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And I still fall in love too easy, try to convince my shadow that this isn’t what it is, say to it that maybe we shouldn’t, can’t you see the heart has already been through so much, when I can’t stop thinking about the way someone makes me feel, there’s no stopping its unsolicited devotion, I sit with the longing until my shadow believes me and even then, the mind is still not swayed, its so easy for my heart to fall in love, when it believes your truth, can’t see how hard it beats at notions, so sweet, the way he hides how he feels, how he asks about my day, the heart likes to know how much you’ve missed it, will tease a feeling to test its loyalty, convince that unsolicited with passionate purpose and tell the mind see, you’re just over thinking it.

“..what does the body do when it has found a way to solve heart beats, it doesn’t know how to catch this feeling and learn to let it go so easily, this feeling, has found a way to stay in this body, can’t call it uninvited, how do you do that, make it feel like you’re the only one who can make it feel like this body needs, you, when you control do you mean the way the mind has also fallen-, linger, no, stay here longer, I am slowly binding my words to match yours instead of losing them in your eyes I want to lose them somewhere along the same intensity of what you love, somewhere permanent, I want you to need this entirety.”

I mime fables that have been seen of this salem, silent in the dark, that sit with the night sky and watch the stars fill its vacancy, a distilled memoir, that glimmers awakened dreams, it has never been about forgetting how to love, but it has always wished on the stars enough to make it real, to never forget that this kind of magic is crafted into all our bodies and we are left to spell it back once it has finished manifesting into our souls long enough to breathe its wild back to love, a spell bound feeling, that is the mirrored shooting star reality of our distilled dreams

Struggling with reality: “..being forced to come to terms with being grown has a lot of constraints to its noose, they aren’t always the black jacks that fill your conciouness with clarity, with truth, being forced to realise that even though you yourself as a being have to choose some demise in order to grow, in order to change, back home, you’re selflove, you can only realise what reality you have as you watch it disappear before you desperately reach out your hands fast enough to catch its pace n allow it, watch it shatter into micro shooting stars, the way commanding wish to a content struggling reality, is it a combination of your worst fears, emotions, rainbows to fill in this mood, this grow, how do you grow without struggling in reality, pain manefests n changes people more than we would like to admit, it resonates penetrating so deep into our stream of consciousness until it awakes, until we’re comfortable with change, until…”

I’m happy dreaming, happily fulfilling my dreams is something that was not always there, had been searching for it a long while back, thinking about what it meant to exist with no purpose, how do we fulfill n continue to exist without a purpose, dreaming allows for both, it hands down creativity, self worth in the form of goals, n self love in dreaming reality, when you hear voices that echo n dismiss its magic I want you to remember, they have not yet understood their powers, there is something so beautiful about how unique we all choose to exist with purpose, if you ask dreamers to use the alphabet to convey what it means to dream, they’ll tell you something that goes like this, they’ll be humble n wisdom something like this, be happy with what you have while working for what you want its like a dream, they’ll say to you there is no feeling that can come close to knowing your self worth when you have found solitude in dreaming about what you’re capable of wanting

17/4/16 – 18/4/16A letter to my younger self
I don’t even know where to start, which wound to apologize for, will never forgot the tears that up to this day will never stop, if there was one thing I had to apologize for first, it would be for up to this day about the way you feel about yourself, that even when you were younger told nobody about your scars, that I was always there with you, for you, I told you I would never leave you, even that day when you fought with her again n you went downstairs feeling so much, you couldn’t tell which emotion came first, you took the biggest table knife you could find in the kitchen drawer, put your arm out, made sure your eyes were ready, took the knife helping it find its way over your bare skin, you were only 12, this is what you wanted her to understand, even though it didn’t make sense to anybody but yourself, you tried to make her look as you cried for all you insecurities, your broken body, the pain, the emotion that you didn’t understand, you tried to make her feel what you felt but she didn’t understand even when that knife scrapped your bare skin several times, she never looked back, she never tried to look back, it was at that moment you felt that she didn’t care, that it wouldn’t matter, that you wouldn’t care if your blood found its way to the floor, a puddle of emotion, when I think about how when you were little you tried to make sense of so many things, but nothing was working, nothing felt the way it suppose to, there so many things to apologize for n I’m sorry about them, I’m sorry that even up to this day you still cry every single night, I’m sorry that even though you smile its not enough to fix the emotional anxiety, anxiety, something you can’t stop doing, I’m sorry that there’s nothing to really be appreciative of, all I can say is that at least now, I’m getting help, I’m trying so hard to be better for you, I made a promise to myself to be happy, to try n be positive, its all so hard even now, but I’m thankful I’m here today, I just want to make us happy, make these feelings stop, I want us to move forward, to be happy, so I’m getting help for the both of us

Once again I’m feeling too much, caring too much, hurting too, been hurting way too much, miscounting all the excuses, not excuses, feelings, miscounting the amount of time I’ve been feeling, something like complicated, like my body is tired, like my mouth doesn’t have anymore left to say, like my mind is thinking too much, overthinking too much, I can’t just do anything anymore without thinking, overthinking, I think its starting to be become a problem, we all have something that we do too much, that it starts to become something we can’t stop noticing, realize, its all just too much, lately, I’ve been doing things I don’t usual do, then regret them even more than the first time, just to see if they were really the wrong thing, but lately it’s been happening too often, I don’t want to do anything that will harm this soul, that will cause it be be this hard, this closed, this silenced, I want to change, I’m starting to think that I should probably get these feelings figured out, I want someone to talk to, someone I can tell these things without feeling like a part of me is saying, what do you think your doing, showing all your insecurities, baring so much to someone, anyone, don’t do this, you’ll regret telling them, even though you can trust them you don’t trust yourself, but I just want someone to listen, someone to tell me its all going to be okay, that this will get better, that there is nothing wrong with the way your thinking, you’ll be okay, I don’t want anyone to tell me how I should feel, how they think it should feel, how they feel, I just want someone to listen, I want them to make a note of it so they can come up with the answers, because I’ve been trying to solve this all on my own, and I can’t help but feel broken, the internal cracks they’ve left are too much to handle, too much to comprehend, its all just too much, I need someone to help me understand this all, I just want someone to talk to, someone who truly understands, acknowledge, that its hard, that I’m trying my best, that I’m worth all the effort, that I can love myself, and be loved back, that love can be reciprocate, that love is something beautiful, that it doesn’t always tare you down, building walls, bridges, barriers, but will make you better, will be emotionally worth the pain, that just because there’s pain I shouldn’t give up, I feel better now, I’m the only one left that I can talk to, I’m trying to fix the me that I think is broken so much, but its been so long, the tools god has given me are failing at my bare hands, I don’t know what to do anymore, I’ve had enough, of feeling like I don’t want to live like this anymore, I’m scared of telling the doctor, because I don’t want them to think that I’m making this up, that its all in my head, that its nothing, but when your feeling this way, nothing makes any sense, so you’ll tell the doctor the truth, that this is your truth, that your not lying, that every time you feel like this nothing else matters, its as though the earth has broken in two, and your the only one left to deal with the wreckage, this is what if feels like, this is your reality, you’ll tell the doctor that you don’t want to be broken anymore, that you want to be fixed, you’ll look at them with your hands in soft fists, take a short breath and say, I’ve got no where else to go, no one left to turn to, you want to get better, so you’ll bite your lip, close you eyes and repeat, please fix me, I want to get better for myself, and open your eyes

I read the most disrespectful statement about my sisters, I just wanna let you black men who forgot your place, don’t know that a black body spilled herself for you, least you forgot the skin you wearing, disrespecting what god took time to perfect, how dare you forgot your place, how dare you disrespect like you don’t know that ain’t nobody but this black skin will always have your back, acting like black man n black woman ain’t the same blessed, ain’t the same sweet menlanin we praise, they praise, don’t you forgot your roots boy, don’t forget who brought you on this earth, don’t you forgot the colour god blessed upon your disrespectful self, talking like you worthy of so much she ain’t gave you, capable of carrying all this that society has given women with melanin bright enough, brave enough, strong enough, beautiful enough for you to act like you own, like you have the right to, how dare you, don’t you know disrespect when it assaults your narrative, never forget it is this skin that you are here, so best you know, before you disrespect yourself

19/03/16 M.B.A: Soul Mate When her name escapes my narrative, I think about what her name means to me she reminds me that there is still time, all is not lost, she reminds me that it is okay to be … Continue reading →

You struck a cord, turn me into love game, turn this jagged into self pity, look at what you’ve done

You play this game too often, I should’ve known it could never be this easy

Its moments like these, that teach girls that this is what they are capable of and it all stops right there, as they hand you themselves, you hand them blood thirsty, teeth, scars, wounds, trailing holes into themselves leaving emotional damage of where their trust in boys, men will mutate

Can’t you see what you’ve done, taking broken and giving it a chance, her taking unworthy giving it a chance, look at this cult of broken hearts, pretty words with empty sounds

You’ll never comprehend, this is where and why us girls learn that our bodies are like diamonds, precious, before we even learn the meaning of our emotional worth

It is why they say do not trust, treat your body like you’re beautiful, you are beautiful, be self less, be blunt dager, be so much conversation, but never forget you are worth every worship, never forget it is them who suffer most when a good thing is gone