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Please don't double post.

just saying, I've never heard an optimistic realist, I've heard many negative ones.

The thing is, I don't see (and this is not in direct relation to this thread) "admit that you and your spouse are incompatible. Split up and go and find ways to meet your needs and be happier" as pessimistic. Not overall. It's saying that this relationship is not meeting any of your needs and is therefore a negative thing in your life. End it as amicably as possible and go and find more positive things. To me, that is optimism.

I loved my ex and valued our marriage but when he had a toxic gf and would not respect my boundaries I chose to separate myself from the situation. After a few months we did get back together. Being miserable in a toxic situation was not something I was willing to continue.

So, unfortunately this is not something with an easy solution. I'm distancing myself from her as much as possible and creating boundaries between myself and their relationship and I think that's probably all I can do unless someone has another idea. I appreciate all of your input and advice.

Well, I agree, NaturalBlue. It isn't easy. I had to sit with this one longer before trying to even offer where I see some other “coulds” to consider.
Because you are right. It is hard to find the "could do's."

It is good you told him to stop telling you about their crazy.

Gives you a time out of calm space to think of what to do next without "static on the channel." Take the time out. Do your own self care things first. Put your own oxygen mask on.

It is good that you told your husband you get to feel how you feel and how long it takes you to process. He cannot tell you what or when to feel things.

If YOU had that magic power you could wave a wand and POOF! He would stop feeling love for his abusive GF and there. Problems solved! (Be kind, but firm if you have to tell him that. He's in the "bargaining" stage from the sound of it trying to make two things fit in a same space. And it just won't. Not like THIS.)

It is good that your told your husband that YOU don't have to interact with her if you don't want to.

Don't do it more than necessary. Minimize your exposure to crazy lady.

There's some element of emotional vampire here. Could look at that and read the defensive strategies for the type you got on your hands in your meta. Maybe she's a blend. That's to help YOU in relating to her when you have to.

You could say to your husband that he can meet her elsewhere.

It is your house too. Because of her poor behavior and his poor ability to shield you from her crazy leaking on to you... you request that he just meet her elsewhere. It is a LIMIT. Whether this is a hard limit or a soft limit that could change in time – that's up to you. But you have the right to say who is allowed in the home or not that you live in.

They can meet in your town for dates. That doesn't change them working on “fair distance” travel stuff.

You don't seem to want to invoke veto power at this time. Could clarify the use of this though at this time.

Does your agreement for veto power indicate how many strikes before invoking it? If not, could talk to spouse about that then.

Maybe say something like...

“Look, I'm not going to invoke a veto right now. But I want to clarify the veto power use. If something affects me in MY well being... I want to give you enough fair chances to sort it out. But when it KEEPS ON DINGING ME... how many strikes before Veto comes in? Are you willing to talk and come to agreement on that number?”

If you go that route, and this does indeed keep happening, your suckage has now has a clear end point. Rather than being endless suckage going on and on and on. Three more strikes, she's out. You both agreed to the stated limit. Then it is nobody's "fault" but the crazy lady that a limit is reached. It isn't you for vetoing, it isn't him for dating her. It's keeping it on HER behavior earning her a natural consequence.

Could keep it on behavior done / not done and just... count the strikes racking up.

The next time she behaves inappropriately? Call her on it in the moment. Could be a mirror and just reflect what you see.

In front of other people even. In this example?

Quote:

The next day I told her she needed to blow up her mattress so they could sleep in there and I could sleep in my own bed. She didn't do it and then threw a fit at my husband because she somehow expected him to do it for her (even though she did not ask him to). I mean, a serious fit, throwing stuff and screaming at him in front of everyone.

There you could have said “I see you are upset that DH did not blow up your mattress for you. You could ask him nicely and he could tell you if he is willing to help you or not willing. Nobody is a mind reader.

You could not pitch a fit in front of everyone throwing things. This is inappropriate behavior. Someone could get hurt. You could express your upset at DH without making a scene and flinging things around creating an unsafe environment and disturbing the peace like this. Take a time out and get a grip. Or else I have to call it in.

You could apologize to the group for your outburst and inappropriate behavior. If you cannot get a grip, you will not be invited to camp with the group again. (I assume you were the hosts. If you are NOT the hosts, you could apologize to the hosts for bringing crazy GF and next time go camp without her. Bring just DH or bring just you. )

You could apologize to DH for putting him in this uncomfortable situation.

DH and you could BOTH apologize to me for putting me in this uncomfortable situation where I have to speak up and hold you accountable because you cannot hold your own self accountable in your conduct."

As for you? You yourself could apologize to the group for your meta's and your DH's lack of courtesy. You cannot control what they do or do not do, but you could apologize anyway for bringing them camping with you and hope they don't hold their conduct against you. There. Then you have done all you could do and you could sit back and watch what happens next.

If you have to break out the toddler parenting skills, break them out then! You did not ask for a toddler meltdown, but nobody does. Accept this is where it is and step up to MANAGE that toddler meltdown then.

It serves nobody in the camping group to be enduring this kind of crap, and some of them may not say anything because they look to DH or you to deal in it since it is your GF/META who is having a cow.

If DH is not calling her into account for her unacceptable behavior... as distasteful as it is YOU could call her into account for her unacceptable behavior. Then later in private give DH a piece of your mind about all that.

To see how you can support DH in seeing it is healthier for him to break this off as he moves through the stages to be ABLE to leave abuse.

To me he sounds like he's desparate to secure the relationship and is blind to the abuses as ABUSE. The good thing about those articles is that the bottom gives friends and family hints for how to aid the person move to the next stage.

So maybe reading some of that helps you frame how you relate to DH at this time and hopefully help move it toward healthier spaces for you and him.

Could try something like:

"I know you love her. I'm sure she loves you. But this is NOT healthy like this. Maybe she's got some metal health issue that needs medication to tone down these outbursts. You could break up with her and tell you you are willing to get back together once she gets medical attention.

But she might never get help if you don't break it off to motivate her to do it. You can always get back together -- other people have before. You want to be in healthy relationship with her, right? Maybe this needs to happen so you both can enjoy a healthy thing later."

Say whatever it takes to help him to move up a stage. Could note that sometimes it takes physical separation from the abuser to come to realize that it IS abuse. If they need that "hope of getting back together one day" to LEAVE -- could give it. Emotional and mental separation can't come without the physical separation and being free to think for self without "static on the channel." Help them to be able to LEAVE.

You could focus on creating physical separation or encouraging him to create it. Plan a vacation with DH without her -- a nice long one. So he can get a break static free. Let him feel what life is like and could be like WITHOUT crazy.

If you come to find you are just not up for this? You could start making plans to move out.

Or he moves out. You don't have to leap right to divorce, but get yourself out of the line of fire. Perhaps that could jolt sense into him. "Gee, my wife moved out. This is SERIOUS!"

And if you want to think out all options -- could change the lock on the house door, close all the joint checking accounts and send him his half care of his mother along with his stuff. Could file for divorce. I'm not saying to DO it. But could think it out. You are responsible for your own emergency preparedness.

I am sorry you are going through this.

I truly hope your DH is able to move through the speak out loud stages and be able to leave her without her boiling bunnies and turning all crazy stalker on your household. Be careful.

If she pulls another "disturbing the peace" kind of stunt or threatens -- Tell her to chill or you will call it in and if she doesn't chill... CALL IT IN. Get it on the public record even if it pisses off DH and he thinks you "overreact."

You don't want to be in a place later where DH really needs a restraining order and the court can't give it to him yet because the restraining order application IS the first "on the record" report of her crazy town. Help the law help you.

I know that is on the extreme end but again... You are responsible for your own emergency preparedness. Abuse is not a game. Silence only helps the abuser. Only you know how serious it is over there. You are the one living this reality.

It's very easy for some of you to say "if he's in a toxic relationship, don't be in a relationship with him", but he's my husband and I take that commitment very seriously even if some of you apparently don't. I'm not going to divorce him because I don't like his girlfriend, that is ridiculous and unhelpful.

It is also difficult for me to just never see her again as she is already an established part of my social group and she will pretty much always be invited to the same parties/get togethers as I am and I refuse to give up my entire social life/circle because she's a bitch and I won't ask my friends to not invite her.

I have read your entire thread and it sounds a lot like the issues that families deal with when there is an alcoholic or drug addict in the family. There are a lot of supportive people here on this forum and a good things have been said. Something that came to mind for me is Al-Anon meetings! You could get a lot of understanding and support there. I would suggest 6 meetings in 6 weeks! It's especially good for extroverts who like to connect and talk with others face to face! Good luck!

__________________ The key to life is in being fully engaged and peacefully detached simultaneously and authentically in each moment.

A lot of times people are afraid to stand up to bullies. Sometimes all it takes is one person to call them on their behavior publicly or stand up to them. You may be surprised who has your back.

__________________
40 yo straight female
Married in the eyes of the government to Butch since 2001...
Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
In a V relationship with an average 50/50 split of time between my two husbands.

I mostly think this is my problem not hers.So this is mostly me trying to figure myself out to see if it's all me or whether there is something I need to talk with her about.

I've interacted with him enough to know that I really don't like him. He's kind of a dopey guy, not real bright, and I suppose that is what bugs me. My partner finds him hilarious but I just don't see it. Maybe that's what I'm jealous of, I don't know. I've almost always liked her other partners. Maybe her lack of taste in this particular choice disturbs me somehow. But we don't have any stated requirement that we like each other partners, it's just worked out that way.

But I'm not seeing him and I don't have to interact with him often if ever. Perhaps this is just jealousy acting out and this is my rationalization.

So I'll throw this out there, maybe the questions and responses will help me clarify my thinking.

Sometimes our partners selection makes s curious mirror to observe. Which in turn may Make us wonder.. If him..why me..

If that isn't it it could just be you don't click. If you have the type of poly that doesn't mean everyone is involved in friendship etc.. You could simply let it go and not be concerned dopey isn't harmful its just dopey.

Personally I would struggle. We have s very tight knit group and for me to dislike someone would be tough to maintain that continuity.

When I was faced with that, I simply let Maca know I wasn't interested in socializing with his other love and he needed to make his plans without including me in them.

He did that for a few months but honestly, he prefers a more unified social group and it didn't work out.
But I wohldn't have identified myself as jealous at all. I didn't like her. But I also didn't care if he chose to go do things with her-so long as i wasn't dragged along.