Tags

What Does a Serial Killer Drive?

Recently, I have been catching up on Dexter, Showtime’s serial killer dramedy starring the gay Six Feet Under brother (this character is a brother from another mother, that’s for sure!). My family may judge me, but I find the premise (guy works at police department by day and kills bad guys at night) intriguing, and I always enjoy the latest twists and turns.

But my favorite part of the show? Dexter, the serial killer, drives a Ford Escape. A Ford Escape! Sublime! You may recall that the Ford Escape – in its prior iteration, which is the one that appears on the show – features on my list of Slows. It’s a cushy, pokey little SUVlet. Perfect for a serial killer!

The show is set in Miami, and Dexter is always driving around between crime scenes and…you know…crime scenes in that little blue Escape that looks just as sweet and benign as a little puppy. Except it’s got a body in the back. Or body parts. I love it! That is much more creative than I would have been. I would have put my serial killer in a Dodge Challenger. Or a BMW 3-series with cream leather, to be blatantly ironic. But a Ford Escape? So subtle, Showtime. Well played.

What else would make a good ride for a baddie? Oh oh! Let’s not forget Walter White’s Pontiac Aztek in Breaking Bad! That horrific middle-school sculpture catastrophe of a vehicle is most definitely its own character in the show, and I dearly love it, precisely because it is so sublime as a baddie car. Its presence in Breaking Bad almost justifies the Aztek’s much-maligned existence. Look! It’s not a thundering portent of Pontiac’s pending obliteration – it’s art!

What other sublimely random baddie cars are out there? Leave your thoughts in the comments; this could be a fun game! Oh, and the Silence of the Lambs killer van does not count. That’s not sublime, it’s just damn creepy.

The other part of the game is, pick rides for random historical or cultural villains. Like Charles Manson in a Volkswagen Jetta. Or Stalin in a Subaru Forester. Or Felix in a Nissan Leaf. Can’t you just see it?

Nothing says ‘serial killer’ like a non-descript vehicle which glides through life without being noticed, yet has within it all the accoutrements of the discerning random assassin. In the 60s, it was the Volkswagon van (psychedelic, if you really want to blend in). In the 70s, the Dodge utility vans were everywhere, and who knew what was going on behind those closed double-doors? In the 80s, the minivans were coming into their own — but the Dodge Ram had an ubiquity that was hard to beat, and all the room in the world to carry those extra ‘tools’ for disposing of extraneous baggage. In the 90s, those white windowless Ford Econoline vans were the ‘weapon of choice’. And the corrugated flooring made for easy cleanup; just hose ’em out and you’re done! (But don’t forget the air freshener…)

Something happened in the 00’s, though. The serial killers, whose proud tradition incorporated proper waste disposal through transport of the ‘residue’ to distant (and random) locations, became lazy. Or sloppy. Or both. Perhaps inspired by the success of the Mexican Mafia, they abandoned the spacious vans for the minimalist sedan styles of Honda, Toyota and Hyundai, and contented themselves with killing from a distance. Their only concession to propriety was the incorporation of performance transmissions and turbo-charged engines for the fast getaway. But where was their pride? Where was their finesse? Where is their artistic confidence?

The ultimate vehicle for the true artist is, of course, the motorcycle. The Toecutter’s gang in Mad Max rode Kawasaki KZ-1000s (and some random Honda 750s). But they were cowards, only killing because they rode in force. A real killer rides alone, and not on a Harley. Harley says ‘dangerous’ (or wannabe dangerous), which a killer cannot afford to suggest. Honda says middle-of-the-road, I’m-not-sure-who-I-am. BMW says retired suit. But Kawasaki … Kawasaki is all about trying to relive the glory days of the 1970s (for a company that is now more known for cheap power tools than motorcycles).

Yeah, my serial killer is riding a Kawasaki Z1000, full leather, goggles, none of that namby-pamby helmet stuff. He rides up to the target – always a girl, because they’re pretty and sweet and look oh-so-fine on the back of a bike – and says just the right words with just the right tone and expression to convince her that he means her no harm, only offering her a little adventure, a little wind in the face and road underfoot and miles and miles in no particular direction. And they ride off into the sunset together. And she’s never seen again.