Subtitles: Hello, I’m the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don’t have to. Sometimes, it’s best to do things as animalistic as possible. For example, if I threw my own feces at the movie I’m reviewing today... you’d consider it as an upgrade. What movie could cause such an outburst of beastly behavior?

(The title screen for Congo appears. NC then starts to scream like a gorilla while cutting back to the movie footage)

(NC acts like a gorilla for a bit, then stops to clear his throat and speak normally)

NC: So let's take a look!

NC (voiceover): So we start off in what appears to be Africa. (to the tune of “The Circle of Life” fromThe LionKing, with accompanying lyrics appearing onscreen) Nyaaaaaaaa! / This movie sucks! / You should get a refund! / Go see Toy Story next time. / It’s in the theater next door. (normal) The film begins with the master of modern day B-movies himself, Bruce Campbell, who is so cool that every time someone mentions his name, a man is cured of impotence.

NC (voiceover):(as Charlie) Yeah, I just shit this out of my ass. I shit guns! That’s how cool I am. (normal) So he’s talking to a member of the CIA, who also happens to be his fiance named Karen, played by Laura Linney, who very rarely turns in a bad performance.

Text: This is one of those rarities.

NC (voiceover): They’re looking for some sort of rare diamond that apparently can charge their laser guns to the ninth degree.

Dr. Karen Ross (played by Laura Linney): I read you, Charles!

Bruce: Well, eureka and all that. I found the bloody thing.

(A sudden quake rumbles Charlie’s location)

Laura: What was that?

NC (voiceover):(as Charlie) Hokey acting. It’s okay, I make a living out of it! (normal) They’re under the orders of Joe Don Baker, who quite frankly has a lot of other bad movies he could be starring in.

(Charlie stands up to look up and scream at the sight of an unknown danger)

NC (voiceover): And, yes, that’s the last we see of Bruce Campbell in the movie.

(The audience boos)

NC: I know, I know. But at least you got Joe Don Baker! (The audience then starts to throw objects at NC)

NC (voiceover): So once they found out the crew seems mostly dead, Joe Don Baker doesn’t react very well.

(R.B. Travis (played by Baker) smashes a computer screen with his golf club)

NC:(as Travis) Dammit, now there’ll never be an Evil Dead 4!

Travis: I need those diamonds, Dr. Ross! This satellite is our communications cash cow. I need a new cash machine. This diamond, this is it! Charles knew that. That’s why he went down to that godforsaken place.

Karen: Charles went into the Congo to please you!

Travis: I know you had feelings for him.

Karen: I almost married him, for Christ’s sake!

NC and Casper:(sing to tune of “Ode to Joy”) Exposition, exposition / Rush it out A.S.A.P.

NC (voiceover): Meanwhile, we cut to our main character, a young scientist named Peter.

NC: Okay, let’s not jump to any conclusions. (Amy continues saying “Tickle me” as NC speaks) Um…maybe this is a game they like to play. Or-or-or maybe to apes, this is like the equivalent of jump rope. Or maybe there’s some sort of other kind of thing—WILL YOU STOP SAYING THAT?! (Beat) Sicko!

NC (voiceover): So just as they’re about to leave, Karen comes along to join the adventure in the hopes of finding her fiance.

Peter: We’ve been putting together a rather hasty expedition.

Karen: To the Congo, with a talking gorilla.

Amy:(signs) Jungle.

Peter:(signs back to Amy) That’s right, the jungle.

Amy: Jungle.

Peter:(to Amy) Just a minute.

Amy: Tickle Amy.

(NC grunts in frustration)

Amy: Tickle Amy. Tickle Amy. Tickle Amy.

Karen:(simultaneously with Amy’s “Tickle Amy”) I need to join up with you.

NC: All right…I’m convinced. Their strange obsession with monkey tickling can only lead to one conclusion and one conclusion only. (Beat, then joyfully brings out a large stuffed toy monkey) To promote their brand new line of toys: Tickle Me Amy! Tickle her as she says just the most adorable things! (He starts tickling the toy)

NC (voiceover): But they’re also joined by another guide, played by Ernie Hudson, who is hands down the coolest guy in this movie. (Cut to a shot of Charlie’s dead corpse) Though even Bruce Campbell’s corpse has a few drops of coolness left.

Munro Kelly (played by Hudson):(introduces himself) Munro Kelly. I’m your great white hunter for this trip, though I...happen to be black.

NC:(imitates Munro) I just made that lame joke cool. (Beat) Oh, yeah.

Peter: You’re some kind of criminal, aren’t you?

Munro: Aren’t we all?

Peter: I’m not a criminal, I’m a scientist.

Munro: I run a few guns. You sons of bitches ruin the world.

NC (voiceover):(as Munro) I’ve transformed myself into a black Clark Gable, and quite frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn. (normal) Though this really begs the question: How can an actor who’s obviously so cool like Ernie Hudson think a movie about killer gorillas and talking monkeys could possibly be good?

NC (voiceover): But they get caught by the new African government of the last six minutes, as one of the military leaders has a talk with them.

Captain Wanta (played by Delroy Lindo): Have some, uh, coffee and cake. (He sits down, as well as Homolka, Karen and Munro. He suddenly shouts) Have some!

NC:(mimics Captain Wanta) I made it myself!

(Homolka is seen biting into a sesame cake)

Captain Wanta: Stop eating my sesame cake!

NC:(as Captain Wanta) That is for dessert! (He pounds his fists onto his desk on “dessert”) This tea party is ruined!

NC (voiceover): So after they (our heroes) pay their way through, we get to hop on yet another plane for traveling.

Peter: Somehow, I think this is in my expense.

Munro: You’re right.

NC (voiceover):(as Munro) They say the tickling of the ape is creepy and weird. You will sit in the back. (normal) So the plane takes off, but is quickly shot down, as our heroes have to get out and fast.

Parachuter: Go! Go, go, go!

(Everyone hops out of the plane one by one and parachute to safety)

NC (voiceover):(as Parachuter #1) Abandon film! (as Parachuter #2) Get out of this stinker! (as Parachuter #3) Try to land in one of Michael Crichton’s themeparkmovies!(as Parachuter #4) Yeah, those usually do well!

Peter: Where’s Amy?

Munro: For now, she’s asleep. (points) She’s over there. On the way down, she decided to wake up. And let me tell you, that little lady has some set of teeth.

Peter: Look, I’m sorry, but we’re gonna have to call this off.

NC: “Call it off”? (A photo of the Hindenburg disaster is shown) That’s like being on the Hindenburg and wanting a refund!

Karen:(speaks into a computer) This is Karen Ross. Houston, Travis, do you read?

Travis: I read and see you, Dr. Ross. You’ve got to hurry. The region in the Virungas is bad. Dr. Ross…

NC: All right, calm down, calm down. (He brings out his phone) Look, look, you want me to order a pizza?

Travis: Excellent.

NC: All right, all right. I’m ordering a pizza. (He starts dialing on his phone) Here we go. (Pauses) Hello? Hi. Uh, I would like one large pepperoni pizza, please? (Beat) What? (Beat) Oh, all right, uh, hold on. (He puts the phone on hold to speak to Travis) They’re, uh…they’re out of pepperoni pizza.

Travis: Goddamn it!

NC:(mocks Travis) Goddamn it!

NC (voiceover): So our heroes sit back and enjoy the strange sounds of the wilderness.

(Peter and Karen have woken up and approach Munro)

Peter: What is that?

Karen: What is that?

Munro: Mating season. When there’s a moon like that, every monkey for 200 miles thinks he’s Elvis Presley.

(Peter and Karen look off to listen to the sounds of hooting monkeys; getting an idea, Peter starts making monkey noises)

Peter: Ack!

(NC stares puzzled)

Peter: Ack! (He follows Karen behind as she walks away) Ack!

(Still puzzled, NC decides to change the subject and is about to speak until he’s startled by Peter’s “Ack!” again)

Peter: Ack!

NC:(takes a pencil and starts writing down something before handing it to the camera) All right, movie, when you want to make sense of that scene, just give me a call at that number, ‘cause…I’d love to know what the hell you’re trying to get across.

Peter: Ack!

NC: Okay, stop it.

(Cut to the next morning with Peter running in, panicking)

Peter: Oh, shit! Somebody help me!

Munro: What is it?

Peter:(undoes his belt) There’s something on my…it’s like a creature that…something on my… (He pulls out the front of his shorts)

NC (voiceover):(as Munro) That’s your penis.

Munro: Oh. That’s a leech.

Peter: Take it off!

Munro: I’m not gonna take it off. It’s your leech, you take it off.

Karen: Need some help?

Peter: No.

NC:Congo! Giant apes of the jungle and…leeches that feast on peni! I’m so glad I paid $8.50 to see this!

NC (voiceover): But it turns out their leeching penile disorder is being watched.

Munro: Don’t indicate you see them. Mizumu, the ghost tribe.

NC:(as Munro, fluffs the flaps of his jacket in a cool manner) Thankfully, I happen to be a Ghostbuster, so there’s no problem.

(A tribe member speaks his native language before bending down to draw in the dirt)

Munro: He says there’s a dead white man in this forest with a symbol on his clothes.

(The tribe member has drawn a triangle with the letters “TC” in the center)

Karen: It’s TraviCom. The company I work for.

Munro: The Mizumu have several levels of dead. Someone is not dead until they’re completely dead.

Miracle Max (from The Princess Bride): There’s a big difference between mostly dead and all dead.

NC (voiceover): So they come across the ghost tribe where they try their mystical chants to bring the man back to life.

(The entire tribe chants and waves their arms in unison)

Karen: Where’s the man?

NC: Well, gee, my guess is that area they’re all pointing to and chanting at might be in the general direction.

(Cut to Bob, a member of the original TraviCom expedition, laying on the ground in a catatonic state)

NC (voiceover): Oh! I was right.

Karen:(waves a hand in front of Bob’s face) God.

(Bob awakens to see Amy and the ghost tribe approach, and he screams)

NC:(as Bob) D’AHHH! A CHEAP GORILLA SUIT!

NC (voiceover):(as Bob) D’AHHH! IT LOOKS SO FAKE! (Bob shakes his body as though having a seizure) Too…cheap…to look at. (Bob starts to lose consciousness) I’ve seen…better…suits…at…Spencer’s. (Bob’s head droops to the side, dying) Goodbye. (normal) So after that bit of subtlety, they head up river, where Tim Curry finally confesses what he’s looking for.

Homolka: I suppose there’s no point in playing stupid.

NC: No, please, you’ve been doing it so well.

Homolka:(to Karen) As a young man, I found a book in Soviet Georgia. It contained a detailed drawing of the city of Zinj.

Munro: It’s always been believed that King Solomon had a diamond mine in the Congo in a city called Zinj.

Homolka: The drawing contained a peculiar decoration: an open eye. Later, on safari, I found this. (He holds a ring in both hands)

NC (voiceover):(as Homolka) My prize in my Fruity Pebbles cereal.

Homolka: The gorilla drew this. (He holds up one of Amy’s paintings) It is the same image. It is the open eye.

NC:(as Homolka) Yes, because no one would ever think to draw…an eye!

Homolka: That gorilla has seen the city of Zinj. And she will take us there.

NC:(as Homolka) I originally thought it was in Ferngully, but this time, I’m definitely sure it’s here!

NC (voiceover): So while they’re rowing on this beautiful day for night, they can’t help but feel like they’re being followed.

(Bubbles start to appear at the water’s surface; a few crew members shine their flashlights on it before some hippopotamuses appear from behind to attack the boats)

NC (voiceover):(as all the gorillas) Whatever. (as Gorilla #1) That was strange. (as Gorilla #2) What the hell was she talking about? (as Gorilla #3) Weird Power Glove wearing freak. (normal) So the search goes on as they finally come across the camp that Karen’s fiancé was at.

(Our heroes finally approach the lost city of Zinj)

Munro: Son of a bitch.

Homolka: It is the city of Zinj…that I have looked for…all my life.

NC:(as Homolka) My accent just orgasms at it.

Homolka:(holds up the ring, referring to a large stone head in the city) See? The eyes. It is the same.

NC:(as Homolka) At last, I have been weendicated.

NC (voiceover): And in a surprising letdown, there’s nothing there but a fat Marlon Brando reading portentous poetry.

NC (voiceover):(as Homolka) And queer! And not going anywhere! (normal) So while looking through the Kingdom of the Crystal Dull, they come across the room of diamonds, but are unfortunately trapped there as well. They also come across the body of Karen’s fiancé.

Peter:(hugs Karen) It’s him.

Karen: That’s him.

(The whole kingdom begins to shake)

NC: So Ash is…ash.

NC (voiceover): But to make things worse, the guardians of the diamonds – these radioactive albino Ewoks – come in to smash our heroes.

(Homolka is hit in the back by one of the gorilla guardians before he shoots one of them; cut to Homolka lying on the ground as a gorilla guardian looks down on him before he screams; soon, the guardian smashes its fists on him to kill him, right before cutting to black)

NC: Hmm, what was that line Peter said from earlier?

Peter (from earlier in the film on the first plane flight): Humans are dangerous. Gorillas are very gentle.

(Cut to all the gorilla guardians hovering over another person’s body to attack him)

Karen (from earlier in the film): Well, are you so certain there aren’t some kind of gorillas that kill?

Peter (from earlier in the film): Please, Doctor, you can’t be serious.

(Cut to a gorilla guardian punching Munro and fighting him)

NC (voiceover): But luckily – I think –, Amy comes along to save the day.

(Amy goes over to the injured Peter and sits near his head to protect him)

Peter: Amy.

NC (voiceover):(as Gorilla Guardian #3) I cannot believe she said that. (as Gorilla Guardian #4) I guess we could bash her brains in, seeing how we’re twice her size, but…gosh darn it, I’m just so hurt! (normal) So Karen grabs one of the diamonds and loads it into her laser gun, hoping it’ll be powerful enough to–(a laser does come out of the gun and cuts off a gorilla guardian’s hand) HOLY SHIT, is that cool!

(Karen continues using the laser gun to fight against the gorilla guardians by cutting them off in pieces)

Munro: What the hell is this?

NC: Okay, Bruce Campbell, Ernie Hudson and that fucking gun are the only cool things in this movie.

NC (voiceover): Unfortunately, a VOLCANO explodes, which means our heroes have little time to get out of there.

(Lava flows through the diamond room, as the gorilla guardians, trapped in the room with nowhere to go, start jumping into the lava)

NC (voiceover): So Karen manages to contact her boss and let him know what’s going on.

Travis: Did you get it?

Karen: I have bad news. Charles, he’s…he was killed.

Travis: DID YOU GET THE DIAMOND?!

(Karen is silent)

NC:(as Travis, laughs) Sorry, sorry, I don’t know where that comes from. I’m usually a very nice guy. I SWEAR TO KILL–! Sorry, sorry, see, I…I have no control over...DIE! (laughs)

Karen: Do you remember what I told you? If I ever knew you sent me here for some diamond and not for Charlie, then I would make you sorry?

NC:(as Travis) Yeah, but I just figured you were on the rag.

NC (voiceover): So she decides to take her laser gun and destroy the satellite that’s keeping the company alive – that’s nice, thousands of people will lose their jobs, but at least Joe Don Baker is taught a lesson! – as Peter sets Amy free into the wild, and they ride off in a hot-air balloon.

(Amy looks up to watch the balloon fly off while Peter looks down)

NC:(as Peter, looking down with admiration) Aw, look, you can see Amy burning to death in the volcano’s lava. (Sizzling flesh and hollering gorillas are heard in the background) Look at her melt.

Karen: Peter, would you do me a favor?

Peter: What?

Karen:(holds up a diamond) Throw this away for me.

Peter:(takes the diamond) You sure?

NC:(as Peter, pretends to hold the diamond in his hand and tucks it away in his pocket) There, it’s gone.

Munro: There’s a wind.

Peter: I hope it blows us someplace good.

Karen: Me, too.

NC (voiceover): Oh, it will. It’ll blow you into the happiest place I can think of at the moment: the end credits. (Ending credits start to roll) God, it seems like they took forever.

NC:(speaks quickly) So that’s Congo. It sucks. Do you need more?

(A montage of clips from the movie is shown as NC speaks)

NC (voiceover): The special effects are just silly, the cornball storyline is laughable, the only good things in it are Bruce Campbell, Ernie Hudson and that ape-zapper thing here.

NC: But on the bright side, (He brings out the stuffed toy monkey) it did give birth to Tickle Me Amy! And isn’t that reward enough? (He starts tickling the toy)

Tickle Me Amy: Stop tickling Amy.

NC:(laughs) I love it. (He continues tickling the toy)

Tickle Me Amy: Stop tickling Amy now.

NC:(laughs) Isn’t she so cute? (He continues tickling the toy)

Tickle Me Amy: Stop tickling Amy, or Amy will smash your head in with rock. (Beat) And piss on your corpse.

NC:(quickly) I’m the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don’t have to!