Terrific Parenting: Setting limits without threats, guilt or shame

In the last couple articles, I have explored the damage done through using emotional manipulation to try to get better behavior from your children. In most cases, the emotional threats and manipulation come from either a reaction by mom or dad, or from a sense of exasperation and desperation. In other situations, parents have learned to use this because nothing else seems to work.

These observations, however, are incomplete as they leave us lacking for a solution. Julia, a frustrated Mom, explains why in this email:

“Dr. Cale, I read Sunday’s article and now I get it. I use guilt and my angry reactions all the time. Every day, I yell out of anger to get them to listen or I tell them how bad they make me feel or that they embarrass me (and they do). And it gets worse. Sometimes, I also yell those ugly words my mom would say, “shame on you!”

Your article convinced me I’ve gotta change this now. Tell me how. How do I get them to listen to me and to accept my rules without the guilt and anger?”

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– Julia G.

Mother of two wild boys

Three simple keys to the Terrific Parenting system

1. Love reality by accepting what you can and cannot control.

You can’t control your kids, and when you try to do so with words and threats we create many problems. So let go of the notion of trying to control them. This means not trying to control their ups and downs and every aspect of their action and emotion.

Instead, we focus on how you can teach them to be cooperative and to listen. Once we recognize that this involves learning, we realize that some time is required. In other words, it won’t happen today. This dramatically reduces the pressure on you to force an immediate change.

When we don’t try to control our children, we turn attention to what we can control. This includes two main sources of influence:

• We control what gets our attention and energy and…

• We control everything in our home environment that the kids care about.

2. Devote your attention and energy exclusively to what you can do in your home.

Here is a simple but quite challenging directive: Instead of correcting, fighting, arguing and nagging to get results, just relax for a few days. Stop all that. Instead, be patient and wait for moments that you view as positive. Any behavior or comment that is loving, kind, responsible or even just “normal” is worthy of your attention. Put your energy there, but do so gently. Just a smile or a nod or a touch on the shoulder. Do not give lots of praise or this will be too much. Just gentle attention on what you want.

3. Devote your parenting strength to exercising leverage.

This is the partner to the directive above: Learn how to use leverage effectively. You do this by focusing on how to control the “goodies” in your home, and all the electronics that kids enjoy. If you only use these as punishment, this becomes a constant battle. Every day you threaten and then threaten again, before removing the “goodie,” ultimately you find the behavior does not change.

Leverage is different. We set up daily leverage to get the behavior we want, and only allow access to the “goodies” once the daily responsibilities are complete. We will explore this more next time.