Moslems to Train Vatican in Grooming Techniques

“For years we’ve run an annual Inter-Faith Conference”, said Monsignor Petrocelli. “But it’s always been a big disappointment – half the delegates don’t drink, the dietary restrictions are insane and even the ones who aren’t celibate aren’t exactly fanciable. Bit of a waste of time.

“But this year the Moslems offered to train us up in grooming techniques, and I think this could be the start of something big. When it comes to sexual abuse the Catholic Church is still in the Dark Ages. Literally.

“Roman Catholicism and Islam have a lot in common, with a shared tradition of anti-semitism and a strong interest is misogyny. Tell the truth, they make us look like feminists, and that takes some doing.

Monsignor Petrocelli laughs nervously and fiddles with his “Who Would Jesus Bonk?” wristband. He is clearly a little uncomfortable. “They’ve got the internet”, he whispers. “I mean, they really f*ck*ng get it. Chatrooms, twitter, the works. And they’re not afraid to go after the teenagers. You wouldn’t catch me grooming a teenager, no sir, no thank you very much. Might be a tad too confident for me, wouldn’t fancy that. But these guys aren’t afraid of the more experienced child.

"I tell you, Islam’s the way forward. I might actually convert. If Jimmy was still alive, God rest his soul, he’d be doing just that, I’m sure. Of course, he understood the teenage mindset, being a DJ and all. We miss him terribly”.