Lindsay’s dad got the hook for that charity boxing match next week, because he’s still on parole for assault from 2004. “We do not feel that participating in a violent activity, such as celebrity boxing,” says a parole rep, “is appropriate for his rehabilitation.”

Someone needs to put Michael Lohan’s face on the Wikipedia page for FAIL. Along with Heidi & Spencer, Criss Angel and my local Dunkin Donuts for, I shit you not, running out of donuts today. That’s like KFC running out of chicken. Or, even more frightening, me running out of penis jokes. Shh, shh. I was only joking. It’s alright. Okay, take a deep breath. No, seriously, breathe. Somebody get these readers some paper bags! STAT.