When Your Spouse Objectifies in Public [Part I]

(This article is part one of a two-part series about what to do when you perceive that your spouse is objectifying others in public.)

One of the most painful—yet common—experiences for a betrayed partner is when she has the feeling or perception that her spouse is objectifying other people when she’s with him in public.

Dining out in restaurants, attending social events, or going to family school or athletic events can all be sources of anxiety and pain for betrayed partners.

The betrayed partner may notice her spouse looking in a certain direction—away from her or the family—for an extended amount of time, or appearing as though he is distracted, or that he is looking or staring at someone else.

When a betrayed partner is concerned or suspicious that her spouse is objectifying others, she becomes highly fearful and triggered.

Her alarm bells go off and she goes on high alert. She may perceive that her relationship is in extreme danger in the moment, and she will often experience powerful feelings of shame and anger that go along with her intense fear.

Her shame is created by the thought that her spouse is more attracted to another person than to her, or that she is not good enough. Or she may feel shame because she worries about what others may be thinking about his behavior, and how his behavior reflects on her.* She may be angry because she perceives her spouse as not present, or that he is focusing attention on a stranger or other person rather than her or the family.

There are two important facts to keep in mind when thinking about how your spouse’s objectifying behavior impacts you, and what to do about it:

1
Every person who struggles with out of control sexual behavior or sex addiction objectifies other people.

2
Your spouse may—or may not—be objectifying other people simply because you perceive that he/she is.

Of course, both of these facts are painful and challenging for betrayed partners to accept. But if you aren’t able accept that objectifying people—either non-sexually or sexually—is part of the human experience, and that you may or may not be correct in your perceptions, you will experience unnecessary distress and anguish.

So let’s start with the first premise:

Every person who struggles with out of control sexual behavior or sex addiction objectifies other people.

The definition of objectify is:

degrade to the status of a mere object

Humans routinely judge and objectify other people—both non-sexually and sexually. It’s just a fact of life.

For example, every time you observe another person, make assumptions about who they are based on their appearance, their clothes, the kind of car they drive, where they live, their capabilities (or lack thereof), or otherwise judge them based on their appearance, their humanity has been reduced to a collection of what they have or what they do.

So it is only logical that a person who struggles with out of control sexual behavior will be preoccupied about and objectify those who are the object of his/her addictive behavior.

And as painful as this may be to you as a betrayed partner, it is important for you to remember that while his/her objectifying thoughts or behaviors impact you, they are not about you.

Your spouse may—or may not—be objectifying other people simply because you perceive that he/she is.

When your unfaithful spouse appears preoccupied, distracted, is staring into space, or seems to be looking too long in a certain direction, it’s going to be extremely difficult for you to stay in curiosity and even humility about what you are perceiving or “making up.”

For example, a betrayed partner once told me that she was in a relatively small, enclosed space with her husband and several other people, including a woman that the betrayed partner believed was attractive to her spouse. During a few brief moments, her spouse was looking down toward the floor. The betrayed partner believed he was looking at the other woman’s legs, which was very distressing to her.

Maybe he was. Maybe he wasn’t. And this uncertainty is what makes dealing with and addressing these painful situations so challenging for betrayed partners and unfaithful spouses alike.

If her spouse truly was objectifying the other person, this incident could become a touchpoint for the spouse and betrayed partner to have an honest and frank conversation about his behavior and how it impacts her. She might even have some requests she would like to make of him in the future, or she may want to change the way (or whether) she wants to go out in public with him for a temporary period of time.

In Part 2, I will outline specific steps to can take when you believe your spouse is objectifying in public.

*To find out more about how your unfaithful spouse’s behavior can cause you shame (and what to do about it), read my article, Give Back the Shame.

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Comments

Vicki, I’m so glad you’re addressing this topic because it has been an issue for a very long time with my husband objectifying people in public. Without a doubt he does it, and as a result, it triggers anger and disrespect in me, and I am so embarrassed by his behavior.

I forgot to say in my comment that when I brought up the objectifying issue with more than one marriage counselor we were seeing, the topic was basically dismissed as being natural, and just “what men do”! It is so affirming to read your blog addressing it. I can’t thank you enough, Vicki.

Unfortunately, this is all too familiar to me. I do admit to objectification myself, and do not believe myself immune or perfect in this regard. I feel fortunate that my husband is taking action to stop, but the hurt of having endured this very scenario for many years makes things difficult and often painful. This post is truly a cliffhanger; I look forward to the steps in part 2! Thanks for all you do. Your work continues to help me.

When can we look forward to part 2? I had to set a temporary boundary of not going places in public together, which made us both profoundly sad because doing mundane chores together makes them not so mundane and is often a time of connection for us…..unless or until another braless wonder shows up at the Shoprite, and his “excuse” is if he sees movement, his eyes “just go there.” Nevermind there are an awful lot of people moving around in a grocery store, and his eyes just happen to go to the one at the far end of the aisle, and who is braless. He’s already admitted looking, and then seeing me watching him, looking *again,* turning toward me and shrugging – as if to say “what can you do?”. In my mind, it’s not only disrespectful to me, uncaring abiut my feelings but also a clear demonstration of zero impulse control. The very thing we had to teach our teenaged sons about. When I see a man dressed inappropriately in public, I look away because I feel embarrassed! Besides all that, didn’t anyone else have parents that told them it was impolite to stare, at someone differently abled than yourself, for example? Let alone at other women, right in front of your wife? I guess that’s the difference between a non- sex addict and a sex addict. We have the ability to exercise impulse control, and it seems they do not.

Our son is getting married in Mexico, for pity’s sake, the end of November. I’m already anxious about how this is going to go. I love the beach, but don’t think I could stand to be there with an addict. Suggestions? Find women to go with me and without him? Don’t go at all? Ask him not to go? This is rediculous. Don’t you think?

So, yeah. Don’t hold back on part two! Inquiring minds need to know.

Thanks for all you do, Vicki. You’re a breath of fresh air in a world polluted with men. 😉

Hi Rae, Part II is coming very soon! Late September and early October have been extremely busy for me (in fact, I am catching up right now on a plane . . . .).

Yes, what you describe is so painful and difficult. Two quick tips until Part II: Stay in curiosity and humility around whether your husband (or any other man for that matter) is truly objectifying. Looking or observing does not always equal objectifying. And second, continue with your self-care around this issue which, of course, includes boundary work. If you become highly activated and triggered in public with your husband on a regular basis, self-care probably involves limited outings together as you described.

Ultimately, what I have discovered through experience and observation is that when a betrayed partner understands that what her spouse thinks about other women or men is not a reflection on her self-worth, the whole experience becomes much less triggering, provided the spouse is not flagrantly ogling or otherwise not present on a consistent basis.

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About Vicki Tidwell Palmer LCSW, CSAT, SEP

Vicki is the #1 best-selling author of Moving Beyond Betrayal: The 5-Step Boundary Solution for Partners of Sex Addicts and host of the Beyond Bitchy Podcast: Mastering the Art of Boundaries. She is a blogger, workshop presenter, speaker, and psychotherapist in private practice. Vicki is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, Certified Sex Addiction Therapist, and Somatic Experiencing® Practitioner. read more…