Monday, March 18, 2013

I spent the weekend baby showering. Not actually cleansing small persons, that’s
more akin to pig wrestling. Rather, I was participating in a full blown baby
shower of presents, not a baby sprinkle, which seems to be the standard for not
first borns. It was a lovely day, although the food did not come by on conveyor
belts, which seems to me to be more and more of a necessity these days. Many cute
things were given, and although Gestating Cinco is the same gender and just two
weeks younger than the child being celebrated, I did not actually engage in
grand larceny. The temptation was certainly there, but it interfered with my
getting more cookies.

I didn’t register for Baba, and I don’t regret that. Baby registries are useful to know the mom’s preferences.
I, personally, find all Disney characters and Sesame Street characters to be
utterly distasteful. To a degree that is not rational. This is where a registry
is helpful. Or a list of things that “I DON’T WANT.” But really, there are only
so many things a mom needs for her baby; there are lots of nice additions, but
only a limited amount of necessities.

And as I helped pass around darling outfits, I thought about
all the things that I need to acquire before Gestating Cinco arrives. Diapers. Binkies. A car seat. A stroller. And what I really, really need……the
motor on my van door to work. See, I have found that it is physically
impossible to survive if I have to open a car door myself. I don’t know how I survived my first three
children. I also can’t remember how I
survived, up until last year, with a phone that doesn’t play Netflix on demand.

It’s amazing what we come to rely on. So very quickly.
Forget cute baby blankets; just change my iPhone into a baby rattle. We’ll both
be happier. No amount of lovely,
handcrafted wooden toys will be able to surpass car keys. And ear buds, those
are the must have accessory for today’s active infant.

The difference between baby number one and baby number five
really just boils down to the need for more electronic gadgets and toys for mom
that make their way to baby. You have
high hopes with your first child, all the books you will read and quality
mental development you will engage in. By baby number five, you know that she’ll
come out able to access more apps on your phone than you can. It’s not that you
no longer have high hopes and dreams for your children as you accumulate them.
It’s just that you begin to recognize that the little people you are growing,
who are taking so much out of you, are not just sucking you dry, but they are
forming their own personalities and opinions. While totally wiping you out.
Which just seems insulting, but there you are.

And so, they just end up being as human as you are. Way more
interested in shiny electronics rather than books with mind developing colors.
The chilled teething rings will never surpass your leather wallet. Just don’t
forget that drool can short out the fob on your key chain. It’s the voice of experience speaking.