I’m not asking much from a politician. I don’t need average joe six pack as my congressman. I don’t want to have a beer with my governor or watch my senator roll up his sleeves at a ballgame. Just go be a fucking politician. We know you’re a narcissist and a sociopath and absolutely don’t have our best interests in mind. Naming the ’83 Phillies lineup, which you probably just memorized off cue card from a staff member fifteen minutes ago anyway, does nothing to change that.

But for the love of fuck, can you at least show me that you have a basic understanding of the rules of the game if you’re going to throw a sports metaphor out there? I don’t think that’s a lot to ask.

Just show me that, at the very least, you were at one point a normal human being… a normal human child who could comprehend the games that every other person in class was playing before it all went wrong. If you’re supposed to be a “man of the people” then you should at least be able to show me that you interacted with other kids at a young age enough to pick up the basic rules of the sports they were playing while you read books out loud in the mirror.

We already hate you. Stop giving us more reasons to.

P.S. Recess football like 7th and 8th grade was probably my athletic peak. Young Plaxico Burress on the fade route. Best hands on the field. Not a soul that could guard me.