Book Excerpts

Going to new places is always a little nerve wracking especially when I walk in and see that the tables have those plastic patio chairs that are always so sturdy and easy to get in and out of. You know what I mean. You may be lucky enough to be able to squeeze into the chair and make it through your meal uncomfortably without it collapsing and then get out of it without it being stuck to your ass in which case you have made a mental note to never go to that restaurant again because the stress involved with all the fat disaster possibilities is way too overwhelming for your heart to take and they don’t provide table-side defibrillator service.

How about that Cabbage Soup diet? Yuck. That is the kind of diet you try to get all the people in your office to try at the same time so the residual side effects (make sure your desk is near the restroom) can never be blamed on one specific person. I personally liked the Richard Simmons diet because it seemed pretty easy and you could eat whatever but you had to account for everything you ate with these demonstrative food cards. I would start out the day with a certain amount of cards allowed for the day that represented fats, dairy, starch, protein, etc. and would just move them from one side of my Deal-a-Meal folder to the other side as they were used up in the course of the day. This was like a built in food diary and was quite handy. Unfortunately, I usually didn’t make it past 11:00 a.m. on most days without all the cards being used up which meant technically I couldn’t eat any more for the rest of the day. I wasn’t expecting a McDonald’s Sausage Biscuit with Egg and Cheese and large coffee with extra cream and sugar to use up so many cards…

And about the rides at amusement parks…..Again, I never had any trouble until that last infamous weight gain but now on almost all the fun rides, like the Kumba at Busch Gardens, the locking mechanism is not able to lock due to my body habitus meaning I am too fat. Oh the high school students who are running the rides are polite enough and try to say nice things like, “You really aren’t that heavy, I don’t know why it wouldn’t work.” or, “Maybe if you sucked in your stomach….” Yeah right. If I sucked in my stomach and the locking mechanism was actually able to be locked can you imagine how much fun I would have on that ride? First of all, most likely it would be quite painful to maintain that position throughout the ride and getting me out at the end may require the Jaws of Life. No thanks. I think I will go get another dough boy…

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Aunt Coralee sent me an e-mail telling me you and I had to meet so I came over on your website. Your book sounds like it is really funny. I am writing fairy stories right now that I want to eventually publish. We will be arriving in Burnham, Maine April 8th or 9th. Live in Beverly Hills, Fl, by the way, I drove here in a Chevy Chevette, as well!!!