Drew’s Guide to Bisexual Boyfriends – Part II – The Cookie Analogy

Yesterday’s post elicited some really interesting reactions. I did not think it was particularly somber, but two of my friends who read the blog texted me within an hour to check on me because I seemed “pissy”, a few people commented leading to a very interesting discussion about SOP and switches, one new person reached out via Twitter and email which turned out to be a great day of back and forth that helped me tremendously, and one person pretty much said there is no such thing as switching and thought that Thumper and I should immediately never see each other. You know, just a day in the life of my comments.

Two solid things came out of yesterday which led to this post. One is Thumper and I likened his brand of bisexuality and our recent episodes together to food poisoning and, two, I decided to have my blood work tested again because I had not been religious in taking the anti-estrogen pills and, like last November, my estrogen levels are very high which has essentially kicked me into that PMS realm I was in before where I am super sensitive, moody, and hungry all the time. I am not going to go into all of that again, but the original post is here for those who don’t remember. Never fear, I have taken the big pill and should be all insensitive, gruff, and lean in no time.

So, on with the show:

Drew’s Guide to Bisexual Boyfriends – Part II

Last Spring, I wrote a piece about having a bisexual boyfriend and all of the things that can come along with it in this post.

One of the ways I started this was mentioning the warning label issued by him, his wife, and his blog that says the following:

“Bisexual boyfriends may often occasionally require special handling due to wiring issues that can sometimes cause them to think about lady sex organs at times when you require their full attention. They can’t help it, they say. They were born that way, they say. They like snatch, they say. They are worth it, we say.

When wiring issues occur, bisexual boyfriends can be reset with time, patience, ice cream, or by firmly pressing their reset button located between their thighs. For severe bisexual attention disorders lasting over 12 days, seek immediate assistance from Tumblr and repeatedly press the button mentioned above more firmly.”

It’s right fucking there on the warning label and I forgot to read it again this week. Fuck. All that grumbling I did yesterday would have been avoided it I had just gone back and simply read what I had written before and applied the same rules. This time, the reset is taking longer because we went for gelato instead of ice cream. That fucking Italian delicacy has beaten me again!

In all seriousness, yesterday’s post led to Thumper and I having a really nice, but short, discussion where it FINALLY ALL CLICKED for me through an analogy I will use in just a bit. See, what we have is nowhere to be found for role modeling nor is the mind of a bisexual man something I knew well before I met the bunny. So, as we have said all along, those little bumps in the road are going to happen and, frankly, I welcome them because we each learn a bit more about each other’s minds when this happens.

So, this week, what had clicked in my head was “Thumper must be back and be fully bisexual again“. I thought that because he was back being all pervy on the portfolio and talking about things like penises, asses, and all those guy things. So, mid week he texted me a rather suggestive text that would be par for the course during SOP but one that has been missing for the last few weeks and it made me happy for about 27 seconds until the second one came. The first text said something along the lines of there being a particular action that he would like to do with me. I mean, “va va va room -the rabbit is back” said my mind and, before I could even smile, the second text arrived that said something like “maybe” or “possibly one day”. I know him and I know that he thought he was doing something for me, but being especially man-opausal, I got slightly put off by the second text but decided to ignore it. Then it happened again Wednesday night in a joking way, but just enough that I got rather confused by how his attraction to men was back yet I seemed still just slightly repulsive.

I am a pretty strong guy, but whether you are gay, straight, bisexual, trisexual, or alien, when you wave your dick at someone and they refuse, regardless of the reason, there is a bit of that male pride that just stabs you. So, I asked Thumper about this yesterday and, what he said, cleared everything up for me through my use of an analogy that made 119 percent sense to me as it applies to my particular brand of bisexual boyfriend.

Before I do, for legal reasons, I should note the following:

This analogy only applies to my bisexual boyfriend and his particular style of bisexualness and attraction to men and does not mean that your bisexual will react in the same manner. Please consult your bisexual for more information.

If you you need further assistance, please write or call Dan Savage.

Thumper talked to me about how his brain works and, when it shuts down, men will have to creep back in, over time, and at first the attractiveness starts will ALL men, especially the beautiful Tumblry ones, before settling down to a keen attraction to the penis attached to the man who is going to let you “play” with it.

When he said that it all clicked in my head in the following way: I am the cookie that caused the food poisoning.

Simple as that. Right?

Now, let me explain. I applied that in my head because about a year ago I had the worst food poisoning ever for about three days following a wretched meal at a Chicago restaurant. I was locked in a hotel for a week. NOT pretty (but I did lose 9 pounds). After that dinner, before I knew I had eaten something bad, I stopped and got a pack or three of my favorite cookie until that day, a dark chocolate Milano. About four hours later when I was vomiting worse than I had in my life, I kept seeing pieces of the Milano cookie coming back to haunt me. While I WAS fully aware that the Milano had not caused that reaction nor had it done anything to lead to it, the idea of a Milano repulsed me immediately.

So, relating this to Thumper’s conversation with me, I applied myself in it as the Milano because, while I was sick, I never wanted food again (his distaste in all sex for a bit), then, as I recovered I started eating comfortable, soft, cuddly food (his attraction and sexual appetite for women was back), then, a bit later, I dared walk down the cookie aisle and admired all the cookies while keeping a close eye on the Milano (his regained interest in men in general but not ready for a specific one), which was then followed one day later by me wanting to do nothing but kiss, lick, and eat every morsel of that fucking Milano (a boyfriend of a bisexual can dream, can’t they?).

While I may have over simplified or really over analyzed this, it finally spoke to me about how his mind works when it shuts itself off from men for whatever reason there is, which, this time, was a nasty bout with the flu. When I wrote the first part of this in the Spring, it was much milder than it was recently, but, this time, when he got sick, we were really being intense at that moment, which, in my head, meant there was more to throw up thus equalling a longer recovery period. Got it?

So, all that to say is that I have zero doubt that one day pretty soon the Milano will have some really funky things done to it by a rabbit. Stay tuned for more information.

(as an aside, Thumper is in the woods for about 10 days with zero access to anything electronic. While he says he rather enjoys the “freedom”, I am in withdrawals at just the thought. So, this is being posted without his ability to validate anything, so, commenters, if you are going to damn us to hell or something similar, why don’t you wait a week or so? that way it can be fresh. Thanks.)

You know, when I have food poisoning and I’m feeling yucky about penises, I think that my desire comes back for a particular penis. I go from the particular to the general. It’s quite interesting that Thumper goes from the general to the particular. Anybody else want to weigh in here? How desire appears and disappears can be a tricky little devil.

Penises and baseball. Drew, when you said that when you wave your dick around and someone isn’t interested in it, it felt like being stabbed. Would it follow that you expect to bat 1,000? Is that the way men feel, whatever their orientation? Does the penis have a bigger ego than the whole man?

I’ve have sometimes felt hurt when I’m swaggering across the room with my dick pointing at the ceiling (one of my favorite penis short films but just a metaphor here), but not badly hurt. Bigger pain comes with the relationship parts.

I wonder if women are more used to not being accepted once the nakedness rolls out. I know that women can be awfully tough on men. You know, picky picky. Not the right shoes, when was the last time you thought about buying socks, really the wrong car, that’s a hair style?

Female readers, do you feel deeply hurt (stabbed) when you offer your vagina (or snatch as we’ve read here recently) and the other person doesn’t take you up on the deal?

I can’t say I’ve ever offered my snatch up to anyone, therefore I’ve not suffered the rejection such an offer might bring. I’ve offered my *self* up though, and I’ve been lucky enough that the men in my life consider that to be a bigger deal than Christmas and Mardi Gras rolled into one. Le Snatch Extraordinaire is an added bonus. 😉