Mom may need to see a geriatric specialist

April 29, 2006

ANNIE'S MAILBOX KATHY MITCHELL AND MARCY SUGAR Dear Annie, My mother is nearly 70 and lives out of state. She has some health problems, including arthritis, and she also had a mild stroke some years ago. Mom always has been difficult. She's burned all bridges with her family (except me), and the only friends she has are ones she's met recently. From time to time, she threatens to cut off contact with me, too, so I'm navigating an emotional minefield. I've learned that I can't bend to please her (which would be impossible), but I've noticed that she's gotten worse lately. My mother deeply resents my husband, a kind, loving and respectful man. He doesn't mind when I send Mom money, and whenever she visits us, he tries to find activities that she likes. He always spends time talking to her. He even helps her getting in and out of the car, etc., and cooks her favorite foods. Despite this, she still resents him, puts him down behind his back and belittles his family. (They've always been nice to her, too.) Mom now complains that she's had several ministrokes over the last year, but when I question her about it, she shrugs it off and refuses to see her doctor. I've written the doctor, but he won't respond to me due to patient confidentiality. Worse, he doesn't take care of her basic heart needs and totally ignores treating her arthritis. My mother is definitely high maintenance, and there is no pleasing her. But I want to make her last years comfortable and see that she's taken care of. I've asked her doctor to screen her for depression, and he does nothing except give her pills -- no tests, no questioning, just endless prescriptions for anti-depressants. What can I do? Loving DaughterDear Daughter, If your mother is mentally competent, she gets to make these decisions, good or bad. However, a series of ministrokes could easily have rendered her incapable of making rational choices. Speak to her doctor again and tell him you'd like a referral to a geriatric specialist. He should be willing to do this. You then can take Mom to the new doctor -- who should have access to all her records.