]]>We are tied up to the Beaufort Docks and I am sitting in the cockpit watching the boat traffic going up and down Taylor’s Creek. There is every sort of boat out here from simple fishing skiffs to multi-million dollar yachts. Some are just wandering back and forth while others are preparing to dock here. It feels like we are sitting in Walmart’s parking lot watching rush hour traffic on I-40!

Oyster beds in the tidal flats near Beaufort. A stop on our dinghy ride.

Descendants of Spanish horses along Taylor Creek near Beaufort.

Suzy Q has a special interest in equine behavior. Purely scientific of course.

Bryce and I got here on Friday morning well before all the other holiday boaters. We have been doing a lot of nothing, which is very unusual for the two of us. Usually we have specific goals to accomplish but this weekend we just kicked back and lazed around. Yesterday we took the dinghy to the back side of Carrot Island and had a picnic- along with the occupants of about fifty other small boats. This morning we dinghied to the end of Taylor’s Creek and saw some of the wild horses that have lived on these barrier islands for a couple hundred years. Tomorrow it is back to Oriental and reality!

]]>http://www.odysseymarriageretreats.com/2014/05/25/la-long-weekend-helen-05252014/feed/0The Start of Another Odyssey Season- Helen 05/04/14http://www.odysseymarriageretreats.com/2014/05/04/the-start-of-another-odyssey-season-helen-050414/
http://www.odysseymarriageretreats.com/2014/05/04/the-start-of-another-odyssey-season-helen-050414/#respondSun, 04 May 2014 22:41:07 +0000http://www.odysseymarriageretreats.com/?p=4062We finally got Dragon Lady out of the boatyard on Saturday. She is lovely with her gleaning waxed hull and […]

]]>We finally got Dragon Lady out of the boatyard on Saturday. She is lovely with her gleaning waxed hull and newly stained teak decks. What you can’t see is her engine and transmission which required extensive work, but now she is humming like a contented kitten. She is ready for the first couple to book a Love Odyssey Marriage Retreat.

The weather here in North Carolina was so beautiful this weekend that we could not let it go to waste, so to speak. So Bryce and I took our beautiful Dragon Lady up South River and anchored out for the night. It was so peaceful and very romantic! Our own mini Love Odyssey Marriage Retreat!

]]>http://www.odysseymarriageretreats.com/2014/05/04/the-start-of-another-odyssey-season-helen-050414/feed/0Eating Our Way Thru Key West- Helen 04/16/14http://www.odysseymarriageretreats.com/2014/04/16/eating-our-way-thru-key-west-helen-041614/
http://www.odysseymarriageretreats.com/2014/04/16/eating-our-way-thru-key-west-helen-041614/#respondWed, 16 Apr 2014 21:17:44 +0000http://www.odysseymarriageretreats.com/?p=4054We are eating our way through this island. This is a mixture of many ethnic cultures and the foods that […]

]]>We are eating our way through this island. This is a mixture of many ethnic cultures and the foods that they represent. We have enjoyed Cuban food, Caribbean, American so far, but the choices are endless. We have passed Polish food, Thai, Chinese and of course, the universal Chocolate. We have had meals beside marinas with various types of boats; we have eaten in gardens; along the side of busy streets with traffic, and also beside the beach. Our breakfast each morning is around the pool while the sun is rising. Tonight we are looking forward to something decadent at a restaurant called Better Than Sex! It is a good thing that we are on foot each day and have covered many miles because I am sure we are eating more calories than our bodies normally get in a week!

]]>http://www.odysseymarriageretreats.com/2014/04/16/eating-our-way-thru-key-west-helen-041614/feed/0Key West Vacation – Helen 04/14/2014http://www.odysseymarriageretreats.com/2014/04/14/key-west-vacation-helen-04142014/
http://www.odysseymarriageretreats.com/2014/04/14/key-west-vacation-helen-04142014/#respondMon, 14 Apr 2014 22:17:38 +0000http://www.odysseymarriageretreats.com/?p=4051I have been waiting for this vacation since Christmas. Bryce had his right foot operated on December 27 and could […]

]]>I have been waiting for this vacation since Christmas. Bryce had his right foot operated on December 27 and could not drive for over two months. I was his personal chaufffeur, driving him to work each morning, picking him up each evening, driving to and from our boat on the coast every four days, driving him to doctor’s appointments, etc.–you get it! This got old pretty quickly! What kept me sane and relatively happy was the prospect of a vacation in Key West when he could drive again and walk without crutches and an orthopedic boot. So here we are, enjoying every minute of our vacation. Bryce is still protective of his foot and is riding a bike everywhere while I walk and push Suzy in her hot pink stroller. We are enjoying the food and shops, sitting by the pool, and luxuriating in the warm sunny weather.

]]>I am sitting here near the pool at the Palms in Key West, Florida with Suzy-Q on my lap. We have just finished our continental breakfast and I am luxuriating in the morning warmth and sunshine. I am also fondly recalling a scene from last night. It was before dinner and we were strolling along the waterfront near Mallory Square when Bryce dropped to one knee, looked up at me with a small pink gift in his hand. I knew this had to be serious and before he could say a word, my heart melted and and tears flowed from my eyes. Bryce asked me to be his partner for the rest of his life. In the small pink package was an exquisite gold necklace with two dolphins cavorting in the surf. Bryce had frequently told me that our minds felt to him like two dolphins playing in the ocean. “Yes Bryce, I will be yours FOREVER!”

]]>http://www.odysseymarriageretreats.com/2014/04/13/forever-helen-04132014/feed/0The Tectonics of Relationships and Marriagehttp://www.odysseymarriageretreats.com/2014/02/15/the-tectonic-of-marriage/
http://www.odysseymarriageretreats.com/2014/02/15/the-tectonic-of-marriage/#respondSat, 15 Feb 2014 15:13:13 +0000http://www.odysseymarriageretreats.com/?p=4018It’s a lazy Saturday morning here on the boat with my mug of coffee next to the computer. A strong […]

]]>It’s a lazy Saturday morning here on the boat with my mug of coffee next to the computer. A strong weather front is due to push through the area in less than an hour. The angry green blob is moving quickly toward us on the local radar display. It’s a good morning for writing.

I’ve been thinking about geography and continental drift…..and about how tectonic plates are the perfect metaphor for what’s happening in so many marital relationships. It’s like the slow drift of continents away from each other. And we really need to look beneath the surface to understand what’s causing that drift.

I recently read Pat Ogden’s brilliant book Trauma And The Body. In her book there’s a section where she discusses different action systems. These systems are the motivational states that will dominate a person at any given moment. Some of these states include: the play action system, the attachment action system, the social engagement action system, the exploratory action system and the defensive action system. I’m particularly interested in the last two because I think they are involved in the demise of nearly half of all marriages..

Here’s my explanation. After the initial in-love phase of a relationship most of us have to get down to the hard work of maintaining affection with skill. Not only do we have to protect our partner’s feelings but we also have to reinforce each others’ affections by providing positive experiences. Some of our affection is reinforced by physical touch and some of it by service or thoughtful tokens of affection. You’ve heard about the 5 love languages. I really don’t buy into those as being nearly as important as the 6th love language: curious pursuit of mind. Think about it. Imagine that your partner is curious and shows delight in learning about what you want, what you love, how you feel and what you experience. As your partner asks about your core experience your partner shows in his/her face and eyes how much he/she enjoys your inner world. If that kind of experience occurs day in and day out then you will feel loved. Your feelings will most likely reciprocate and you’ll feel love in return.

The problem is that people often don’t have the emotional regulation or enough discipline to adequately protect either their partner’s emotions or their own. As the bruising slowly accumulates in each person’s unconscious, their defensive action systems gradually becomes more dominant. It’s a very subtle process like the shifting of deep tectonic plates. However, there’s one reliable indicator of what’s happening: The exploratory system is suppressed and curiosity dies. Partners no longer seek each others’ minds. Behavior becomes limited to routines that are safe. The partners calcify into predictable roles of responsibility that won’t get them into trouble. But without curiosity, affection is no longer being reinforced. Love is no longer fed. Each partner starts feeling unimportant in the relationship. And when some partners feel unimportant the pain will often evoke their fight/flight system.

So there it is. Tectonic plates in our personalities. The perfect metaphor for how we become defensive instead of curious in our relationships. One plate dominates over the other and the volcanic action starts.

]]>http://www.odysseymarriageretreats.com/2014/02/15/the-tectonic-of-marriage/feed/0Thirty-two Years- Helen 12/17/13http://www.odysseymarriageretreats.com/2013/12/17/thirty-two-years/
http://www.odysseymarriageretreats.com/2013/12/17/thirty-two-years/#respondWed, 18 Dec 2013 00:31:29 +0000http://www.odysseymarriageretreats.com/?p=4001On Thursday Bryce and I will celebrate thirty-two years of marriage. Sometimes it feels like I have known this man […]

]]>On Thursday Bryce and I will celebrate thirty-two years of marriage. Sometimes it feels like I have known this man my entire life. After so much history together there are few surprises; it is a very comfortable relationship. Yes, early on in our relationship there was much more friction; we were both learning about each other and raising a family while also working on our careers. But today it feels so natural. I know that I am loved and valued. This is the man who still reaches over to give me a pat on the arm while I am driving; who still tells me that he loves me at least once a day; who still greets me at the door each evening with a kiss. Not bad after thirty-two years! I am glad I said “I do” thirty-two years ago. I love you, Bryce!

]]>http://www.odysseymarriageretreats.com/2013/12/17/thirty-two-years/feed/0Jennifer from Canada: About Emotional Dependence (Q & A)http://www.odysseymarriageretreats.com/2013/11/28/jennifer-from-canada-emotional-dependence-q-a/
http://www.odysseymarriageretreats.com/2013/11/28/jennifer-from-canada-emotional-dependence-q-a/#respondThu, 28 Nov 2013 11:42:59 +0000http://www.odysseymarriageretreats.com/?p=3988Q: Do you know anything about emotional dependence? Preferably in relationships outside of marriage?!!! I am not married so I need […]

]]>Q: Do you know anything about emotional dependence? Preferably in relationships outside of marriage?!!! I am not married so I need to know about this subject in terms of non-marital relationships! Thank you and God Bless.

A: Jennifer.I know a lot about emotional dependence. However, your question is too general. For example, did you know that all of us are emotionally dependent except for the psychopaths, schizophrenics, autistics and a few other mentally ill types? I think you may be asking about being compulsively dependent. If so, you may be referring to the way that people try to use other people to act as surrogate parents when they haven’t been lucky enough to have sufficiently developed mature personalities. When people unfortunately receive less than optimal parenting, they often don’t develop the “internal parent” part of themselves that helps them to feel valuable and valid on their own. Without this piece of themselves fully developed, they need to supplement their sense of worth with approval or nurturance from others. If this is the case for you then you may want to see a therapist of your own sex or check out the organization Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous. – Good luck, Bryce Kaye

]]>http://www.odysseymarriageretreats.com/2013/11/28/jennifer-from-canada-emotional-dependence-q-a/feed/0Gratitude- Helen 11/26/13http://www.odysseymarriageretreats.com/2013/11/26/gratitude-helen-112613/
http://www.odysseymarriageretreats.com/2013/11/26/gratitude-helen-112613/#respondTue, 26 Nov 2013 21:28:21 +0000http://www.odysseymarriageretreats.com/?p=3669Thanksgiving is a time when we all can reflect on our blessings. The original settlers were thankful to have survived […]

]]>Thanksgiving is a time when we all can reflect on our blessings. The original settlers were thankful to have survived the year and to have had food to eat through the long, cold winter months. I think many of us have forgotten the origins of this holiday. We focus on Black Friday sales, holiday decorations, and an embarassment of food. It is so easy to go with the commercialization of this holiday and to forget the original meaning.

During the past year I have made a point of practicing gratitude. Each day I try to think of at least one thing that I am thankful for. I have even worked on keeping a gratitude diary on my I-pad. What I can tell you is that I am a much happier, contented person because of this practice. I encourage each of you to try practicing gratitude for just a week. No matter what is going on in your life, you will realize that you have so many blessings. You may see the cup as half empty, but I see it as half full. Have a blessed Thanksgiving!

]]>http://www.odysseymarriageretreats.com/2013/11/26/gratitude-helen-112613/feed/0A Day at the Beach—Helen 05/30/10http://www.odysseymarriageretreats.com/2013/11/14/a-day-at-the-beach-helen-053010-2/
http://www.odysseymarriageretreats.com/2013/11/14/a-day-at-the-beach-helen-053010-2/#respondThu, 14 Nov 2013 17:51:43 +0000http://loveodyssey.net/blog/?p=220I have never had a bad day at the beach and today was no exception. We packed up some sandwiches […]

]]>I have never had a bad day at the beach and today was no exception. We packed up some sandwiches and drinks, loaded up the dinghy with towels, chairs, small table, beach umbrella and our little Yorkie, Mitzie-Sue. Off we sped to the backside of Carrot Island, dog barking with glee. Mitzie is the perpetual two-year-old; everything is exciting. Never-mind that she took the same trip to Carrot Island yesterday afternoon—oh no, it is all new and exciting again today. Bryce and I enjoy her enthusiasm and spunk. Just look at Mitzie about to kill a ghost-crab! I would have let her have the experience, but Bryce kept begging me to spare the crab—and maybe her nose!

I think everyone in the Carolinas with a boat was on the water today. We set up our chairs to watch the traffic streaming in and out of Beaufort inlet. There were racing sailboats, kayaks, catamarans, runabouts, fishing boats, and the occasional multi-million dollar yacht coming and going. Then there were all the families with barbeque grills, umbrellas, radios, screeching kids, and barking dogs to add color to the scene. What fun to just watch! I don’t think anyone had a bad day at the beach.