LAUGH LINES

Punch Lines

Slow Poke: Jerry Lewis raised more than $51 million in telephone pledges over the Labor Day holiday. "Or as Al Gore calls that, a bad weekend." (Steve Voldseth)

Blockbusters: Hollywood enjoyed the biggest summer movie season in history. Revenues were up 16% to $2.6 billion. "Any connection between these figures and the return of the bad-for-you popcorn butter is strictly coincidence." (Premiere Radio)

A Tesh Wish: John Tesh has been sued by a concert promoter for breach of a $50,000 contract to perform at a New Year's Eve concert in Newport Beach. "Tesh told the judge a group of music lovers paid him $100,000 not to show up." (Bob Mills)

Breaking Ground: The Beatles' "Revolver" tops the list of the 1,000 Greatest Records of All Time. "Finally, a great record that Mark McGwire won't be breaking." (Premiere)

Dodgers Blew: Dodger manager Glenn Hoffman says he is proud that the team didn't fold down the stretch. "Right, they folded in July." (Gary Easely)

A Misunderstanding: Physicist Richard See, the scientist who said he intended to clone humans, has decided to clone himself. "He got the idea when a dissenting scientist suggested he perform a physical impossibility." (Easely)

Agents of Change: The IRS has changed its mind--fans who catch historic home run balls will not face a tax bill if they return them. "We'll have to wait another day for the record to be broken for 'Stupidest Tax Law' in history." (Premiere)

A New View: Art experts at the Louvre want to clean the Mona Lisa. "They say she's so dirty they're thinking of changing her name to the Monica Lisa." (Rudolph J. Cecera)

Wild Willy: A fire broke out on the set of Will Smith's new movie "Wild Wild West." "I understand after the smoke settled, he wasn't the only Man in Black." (Cecera)

U2 Much: U2 is inking a deal worth a reported $50 million for three albums of greatest hits. "It just proves what a great band they really are. Most bands don't have enough for three regular albums, let alone three albums of hits!" (Premiere)