Seth MacFarlane can write comedy. We know he can. His Family Guy series, especially its early years, produced some of the funniest animated television this side of The Simpsons. His American Dad! and The Cleveland Show spin-offs were less creative and lacked the powerhouse Peter Griffin/Stewie central characters to help them rise above the sitcom noise level. MacFarlane’s films are less beloved. 2012’s Ted was Family Guy’s anthropomorphic dog, Brian Griffin, transformed into teddy bear form free to explore and enjoy all methods of foul and hedonistic pleasures free from TV network censors. Some folks more than others appreciated 2014’s A Million Ways to Die in the West, yet it whiffed as a whole package. Pieces were hysterical, but it did not come full circle. Rather than start fresh from the drawing board, MacFarlane chose to resurrect Ted. The drug, poop, and sex jokes are the same, Ted’s brash behavior is the same, the witty asides are the same, hell, even the villain is the same. MacFarlane fails to find the stuffing to make Ted any more than a one trick teddy bear. We have already seen a sweet, innocent looking toy stuffed animal curse, drink beer, and smoke weed. What can Ted (MacFarlane) offer us now? Not much. Ted marries his girlfriend, Tami-Lynn (Jessica Barth), works his grocery store checkout job, and hangs out with his best thunder buddy, John (Mark Wahlberg, 2015’s Entourage). To save their rocky marriage, Ted and Tami-Lynn decide to have a baby, always a wise decision. Ted lacks proper male anatomy, Tami-Lynn is barren, and acquiring specimens from the rich and famous is more challenging than either Ted or John thought. Ok, adoption then.

The adoption agency visit is the catalyst for the film’s plot. Deciding Ted is not actually a person entitled to human rights, he is declared property. An oddly efficient, yet invisible, government annuls his marriage, cancels his bank accounts, and deems him unemployable. Cue the civil rights case. Ted goes to court Miracle on 34th Street style to convince a jury he is as much a person as the next bear. If he imbibes alcohol, does he not get drunk? If he smokes marijuana, does he not get high? You know, deep philosophical questions like that.

Rookie attorney Samantha (Amanda Seyfried, 2015’s While We’re Young) signs on and through a series of mostly amusing montages, the group prepares to fight the case. Now that the pesky set-up is out of the way, MacFarlane may splash around in his wheelhouse, the asides. Very recognizable A-list celebrities pop in for cameos, side gags from out of nowhere divert our attention mid-sentence, and Ted and John even find themselves in the exact same situations as Family Guy characters, specifically a scene in a sperm donation clinic’s storage room. Peter Griffin already did that.

MacFarlane is good, but he is nowhere near good enough to make an entire film through montage and dick jokes. The creepy villain from last time, Donny (Giovanni Ribisi, 2014’s Selma), pops up working for Hasbro. He convinces the greedy toy boss to help fight the court case, get Ted declared property, steal him, carve him up, and figure out what makes him tick so they can reproduce him into millions of other working Teds. We already saw Donny scheme, chase, and kidnap Ted last time. Bringing back the same villain with an eerily similar plan is akin to watching Skeletor chase He-Man or Gargamel attempt to finally catch those pesky smurfs. I am genuinely surprised MacFarlane opts to blatantly repeat himself.

The court case parallels the country’s recent gay marriage transformation. Ted proclaims he wants the same rights as everybody else and should be free to chase life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. MacFarlane squeezes in some courtroom melodrama in between the slapstick comedy and Three Amigos style musical interludes. It is all very Law and Order as John Slattery shows up as the slimy defense attorney finding ways to show Ted is merely a toy and John and Ted even find the time to sing their own version of the Law and Order opening song while they engage in their favorite herbal past time on John’s couch.

I look forward to Seth MacFarlane productions, TV animated series and films. Always ready to give him the benefit of the doubt, I am not disappointed when he bombs because I expect it half the time. True to life, shocking comedy is difficult to pull off which is why it is so rare when it happens. It happened with Family Guy and failed with just about all of MacFarlane’s other projects. Ted 2 is a complete and utter failure. There is nothing to see here even with all the celebrities acting silly and the now stale gag of a teddy bear swilling beer and talking dirty. I hope this rotten egg nudges MacFarlane away from Ted and toward a different and original story. If it does, then Ted the sentient teddy bear will finally achieve something worthwhile.