I made a list almost a decade ago. And now I am going to attend to that list, one item at a time, until I conquer it and all of its implications on my life and the surrounding world as I perceive it...unless I grow bored of it before then; in which case, it will be just another crumpled idea left to litter the antigravity of cyberspace.

Sunday, May 20, 2012

Ingredient 9 - Purpose

WARNING:No lifeguard on duty! This post will not be easy for some people to digest b/c of the use of deliberately exaggerated vulgarities; but perhaps more so because, beneath the over-dose of irony and satirically used content, there are disturbing and enlightening truths to be found. Read on at your own risk.

I'm going to put a different spin on "purpose" today, because I'm in a shitty mood and have very little faith in humanity at this point (which is really no different than yesterday, or the day before, or the year before that); however, if you are wanting to read something about "purpose" that you may find a bit more inspiring and reminiscent of rainbows and sunshine, you might enjoy this.

Today, I want to address purpose by the way other people serve it in our lives, and I'm not talking about some invisible and fantasy-based Collective Cosmic Consciousness, either. Although -on a good day- I do believe in some sort of unity or soul alliance, today that seems a reality so far out from the boundaries of humanity that it hardly feels worthy of contemplation (Hey, look. I warned you guys from jump that I have a very fickle relationship with my god, and I have very little tolerance for the sub-levels of the humanely-challenged, and even less so do I regard the few humans that possess content of character but refuse to use it). So, in the spirit of all this whining, I am going to make this post completely and absolutely all about me.

I am one of those people who believes that most other people are complete dollops of shit-jelly on an ass cheek sandwich. I believe that most people cannot be trusted and exist only to serve themselves giant platters of ego-feed. But, I also know that there are people in this plagued world that wish only to be part of the cure, the remedy (I happen to be married to one of them). In regard to humanity's vast spectrum of intellectual and emotional content, what I am learning is this: regardless of which side of the character fence on which any person with whom we come into contact is standing, they can serve a purpose for us...if we let them.

For instance, I recently came into (cyber) contact with two people, both of which were well-versed in hypocrisy and a level of self-involvement that could ONLY hint at layers and layers of immense self-loathing. Years ago, I would have really let them get to me; years ago, I would have...well, there's really no telling what I would have done, truthfully, but trust me when I say it would have been as ugly as the side of themselves that these two people felt (seemingly) obliged to display. We all have an ugly side -some of us possess more inner-ugly than inner-beauty- but we all have that side of which we just aren't the most proud. I am no exception. But I am learning that I am in control of my "ugly" far more than I ever used to be. Now, don't get me wrong: I would be a liar and a poser if I said that I didn't let them pry their way a little under my skin, but all it took was some awareness and a band-aide to remove their toxins. And I felt good about this, because while -at first- I was perturbed that I let it bother me even a little, I realized that there was a time when I would have let such shocking negativity virtually skin me alive, until I bled the obvious truth all over them, leaving them to stand...like Stephen King's Carrie...center-stage, blood-soaked with shame, and crying. Look how far I've come! The purpose of these two juvenile giants, as it turns out, was to show me that I have grown substantially over the years, learning how to rein in the hostility and save as much of my energy as possible for life events and people that deserve it. But, if I am being completely honest (and why be anything else, especially when caught in a D-day type cross-fire of ignorance), I still have much to learn when it comes to completely brushing off the extraordinarily stupid, and thus leaving no residual effect on myself what-so-ever. So, it seems that even the most pungent of human existence has a reason for stinking up our lives -even if only for a moment. We simply have to take a minute to evaluate, with honesty, the purpose of an unwanted existential stench. As soon as we do that, we can move on with a smile...and an economy-sized Cosmic air-freshener.

Together, the aforementioned trolls taught me...or reminded me...of some pretty pertinent stuff. But, they also served a purpose in my life as individuals. I would like to acknowledge -one at a time- the inadvertent positivity they brought to my own personal awareness.

I will start with the intellectual and emotional infant, who I shall call a Center of the Universe NarcissisticTrick (or C.U.N.T. for short). Even though I found C.U.N.T. to be a delightful source of entertainment (and by entertainment, I mean straight up bat-shit crrrrazy, and I'm talking the kind of crazy that leaves you staring speechless at what this person has written; the kind of crazy that had my inbox filling up with inquiries about her metal health, for which I had no answers, b/c I don't know the nut-job, personally). Anyhoo, I engaged her, initially (I mean, I have grown as a person over the years, but not so much that I would not be drawn in and tempted by such a display of downright insanity). But, as she continued to contradict herself in the most ineffective attempts to save face from the last ridiculous thing she said, I became bored, and wanted to move right along; I also wanted the conversation -of which she had no business being a part- to return to its origin which, incidentally, was a praising remark I made to a friend -a mutual friend of mine and C.U.N.T.'s-who has been in my life a very long time (as you may have surmised, this is quite a feat, b/c while some people might make it as far as "acquaintance" with me, the rest usually prove themselves to be wickedly oblivious to anything beyond the tip of their noses, and therefore I have no real use for them in my life...or so I thought! Hence, the inspiration for this blog-post! Funny how realizations come about). Side Note: the original sentiment to my friend expressed admiration for her inability -through the years- to remain impartial when caught between any adversity among friends. This is important to note, b/c it will come up later in this post as partial source of an additional lesson I learned through this whole ridiculous affair, as it pertains to the question: when does impartial become so extreme that it actually transforms into partiality? When is it no longer okay to remain silent? Is avoiding conflict at all costs admirable, or just easy? In order to partake in any attempt at answering these questions, I must first finish the tale of purpose as told by the utterly disdainful. Anyway, in my effort to return to the loving, positivity that somehow the crazy bitch, C.U.N.T., had -in her own obviously overburdened head- made about her, I stopped engaging the insanity. See how selfless I have become? Years ago, I would have engaged the crazy until it was oozing right out of that bitch's ears, but for two reasons, I did not: 1) my dear friend means more to me than some short-lived, and -I admit- ill-sought source of REE-diculous humor; and 2) I guess I am learning that I value my time more than to spend it toying with the mentally unstable. So, I'm pretty sure C.U.N.T.'s purpose for crossing my path was to point out how far I have come in both these regards.

Now, moving on to the very first grown-up crack baby to whom I have ever been subjected (I shall dub this adult crack-baby a "Self-Loathing Unintelligible Trick" (or S.L.U.T. for short). Everything that sprung from her "brain" (I use this term as loosely as her lips flap; I am referring, of course, to her mouth, although I would not be surprised if the loose-lip euphemism is equally applicable to her genitalia) was like the result of a violently dislodged anal-plug: disgusting, pungent, and certain to lead to a burst of sewage in every instance.

S.L.U.T.'s rancid declarations caught on film

And, even still, S.L.U.T. had a purpose...for me. It was through her absolute itchy rash of an existence that I learned how very little I let such people effect me these days. I scoffed, I laughed.

But then I realized something...what she wrote mattered because of where she wrote it. And suddenly, I was bothered. At first, I thought I was digressing in my personal evolutionary growth to let such an itchy, blistery, stank-hole get to me. But then I recognized that it wasn't she that I found bothersome. It was the non-reaction of my close friend (the one to whom I had extended the loving sentiment that somehow set off the ill amount of crazy that ensued). So, I guess I found solace in the fact that I had progressed beyond letting a mental amoeba's drunken, drug-induced tendencies get to me; I could let it go...as free as a fart in the wind...and I was happy to do so. Plus, I kind of felt sorry for her after it dawned on me that she had more than likely been slapped one too many times by her mother's pimp; AND judging by her picture she looked to be a mid-operative tranny, so her hormones were probably all helter-skelter. See? There I go again: showing my growth as I give S.L.U.T. every benefit of the doubt. You guys should start calling me "Buddha."

So, I was proud of myself for not only discovering the purpose served by another person on my behalf, but I was proud of my ever-growing compassion, too (how many people would have stopped to consider the "pimp thing?").

However, what was this new feeling I was having about one of the few Someones I hold so near and dear? What were all these questions coming up for me? Was I feeling resentful? I couldn't understand what was occurring. On the one hand, I had just given open and honest praise to one of my closest friends regarding her ability to spread the loyalty around in many instances where a lot of people would have found it easier to say one thing to one side of a conflict and another to the other side. On the other hand, I could not believe or relate to her silence in reaction to two of her friends bringing nothing but hate and hostility to a sentiment written out of love and admiration. As the hours passed, and my inbox began filling up with the very same questions I had been asking myself about my friend's silence, I found myself getting angry. But, I needed to evaluate my anger to make sure it was justified, and as it turns out, it was...and it wasn't.

See, I realized I was angry because I could not relate to one of my longest and closest and best friends taking a silent seat on the sidelines while her friends inexplicably decided to attempt to dismantle my character, my marriage, and my morals (of course, their attempts were feeble, especially since they wrote them on my page where the people that know me best could read them, and therefore scoff at them). Even in light of what simple fools they made of themselves with their disgusting exhibits of dull intellect and even duller intuition, I knew that if the tables were turned, there is no way in the blazing pits of hell I would have let any of my friends and/or acquaintances attempt to declare unprovoked war (well, C.U.N.T. felt like she was provoked because I would not stand for her ignorant declaration -on a completely different thread- that anyone who did not agree with her political opinions should "shut up" because "no one cared what they had to say." Crazy bitch) on the very same friend that sat idly by while all this was going down. I am simply not the kind of person that believes in that kind of inaction as a way to "stay out of it." Eventually, in my opinion, when something is so wrong, it becomes our responsibility to step up, step in and put an end to it. Eventually, a person has to grab their balls and get involved.

But, because this is how I think and function, does it mean that everyone should think and function the same way? And alas! We have arrived at that with which I have most been grappling. Low and behold, I think the biggest lesson learned from this whole juvenile debacle arose from this very inquiry. Should a person step up in an attempt to set things right, even if it is on behalf of someone other than themselves, just because I think that it is way it should be? And I have decided the answer is yes...and no. There are few things in this world that are black and white. We live in a gray world. Plain and simple. However, every now and then, a situation presents itself, as well as the challenge in its hands, to test our character. Do I think that my friend was required to use the same words and tactic that I may have chosen to turn things around? No. Because I don't believe that there is but one way to reverse something that is just not okay. Do I believe that an action was required, whether it be comparable to what I would have done or not? Yes. I do. Should right be right just because I say so? No. Right should be right, because it is right.

This was not a gray situation. There was nothing even remotely okay about what my friend's degenerate friends set out to do...without reason, and without taunting (though, again, C.U.N.T. would argue that I made a loving gesture to a friend we have in common as a way to take a jab at her; and on the very life of my only son, I can say that not only was her ridiculous claim untrue, it was borderline fucking cracker-ass crazy. The only thing I can assume is that this person was severely mentally and emotionally abused in her lifetime, and has hence developed such a sense of self-loathing that she has literally become unforgivably self-involved and narcissistic. And, no. She does NOT get compassion from me for having a fucked up life. So did I. And I can honestly say that the hate and negativity she brought to the table was astounding. The other bitch, S.L.U.T., is just a drug-dealing, classless trick whose morals probably got left under her pimp's bed, right next to her Dynamiclear). But I digress.

To wrap this up: Even though we have our own purposes in life, we should not overlook the purpose that other people bring to us, whether dressed in rays of sunshine or costumed as the devil's cock. And just as equally, we should be aware of the purposes we may serve for others. The example within this post is perfect to remind me (us) that there is grotesque negativity in this world. We should always do our best to rise above it. And we should always be willing to step up on behalf of what is true and right and good, even if we're afraid of what the repercussions might be. At the same time, I learned that we are only human (myself included, if not especially), and we will sometimes fail ourselves and the ones we love. Whether our reasons for doing so are of pure intent or composed of excuses and bullshit, only we will really ever possess that truth. And it is right that it should be so, because ultimately, it is solely ourselves with which we have to live, and die.

On a serious note, free from ironic vulgarity, I would like to let readers know that the friend -of whom I wrote in this blog- and I have spoken on this matter, although maybe not as candidly as I would like, b/c it was by way of text and in-box rather than actual speaking (this was not the choice of either one of us, in particular; it's just how it has happened up to this point...the ease of technology). At the same time, regardless of the form of communication, I have always been absolutely honest with the few people who have permanently been initiated as members of my "ka-tet" (I guess it's Stephen King reference day), and I was not about to stop that practice in light of this crap. So, I let her know how I felt about it (though some other revelations have come about since we last "spoke," and are expressed within the above paragraphs). In return, she has explained that she would have felt like a hypocrite by jumping in on the very thread/post that gave her praise for maintaining a neutral ear and tongue. She says it was the content of the praising post that kept her from reacting. A part of me understands this, and a part of me hopes that in the future, she will not let words -whether cruel or kind- dictate her action, or inaction. I also hope that she can understand the vast difference -to me- between remaining neutral amongst two dueling friends, and not stepping in when unnecessary hate and relentless negativity are being thrown at someone you love. I, too, would never play two sides of the same fence that stands between two friends, but once one of those friends jumps over the fence unjustifiably and with wicked intent, you can bet your sweet ass I'm going to pull the ill-seeking friend to the ground by her throat -if necessary- until she comes to her senses. So, while I still have some personal reconciling to do on the matter, and while I am trying desperately to not let it thwart my perspective, I know that she and I will be fine. She is, after all, a member of my Ka-tet, always; I only hope that she is the "gunslinger" I've always thought she was. BUT, if she isn't, I suppose I possess enough "gun-slinging" for the both of us.

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About Me

More often than not, I am under the influence of insomnia. Most of the things I am too lazy to write about (til now) come from the disembodied voices that float freely around my bedroom in the very early morning hours. Yep. While the rest of the world sleeps, I am negotiating terms with the trapsing trolls that stomp noisily to and fro across the bridge that connects my conscious mind to the scary depths of the sub-conscious world of dreams and nightmares. Sometimes I am able to out-smart them; sometimes not. Sometimes I get halfway across that damn precarious bridge and stop, just hovering above the chasm of akashic knowledge, waiting to catch the random bits of imprint and cryptic alphabet that might float up to me. Now, with the ambition of a newly inspired blogger, I will try to assemble the randomness, and I may actually write...something.