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In mid 2014, I was touched by the cold hand of reality when a promiscuous partner and I decided to part ways. I stepped out of an 18 month committment and took a long, deep, and unwilling breath into the world of single-life.

In a ironic twist of fate, the digital building blocks for the foundation of my new self-esteem were the same thing that brought down the house in the first place. Of course, i’m talking about Tinder. The newest dating craze i’d heard of since telling ‘that girls’ mate that you fancy her during Art class. (Which admittedly was 0% successful)

Not being one for effort; you’re reading the musings of a man who completed a degree without ever attending the library, I decided to find a way to cheat the app during a 4 hour lull, stranded at Helsinki airport.

Misguided by a sense of arrogance, caffeine, sugar and impending departure, I got to work photoshopping my profile with a ‘match of the day’ banner. I’m talking about a fake Tinder accolade and not the football re-cap show.

My excuse was that it was a ‘social experiment’ (You know, that thing youtubers do by exploiting the homeless with generosity to get a video to go viral) and I had complete anonimity knowing that any ‘matches’ I was lucky enough to receive would be lost during my 7 hour journey home.

After 1 hour of this profile going up, I had 107 matches. An unfair and unrepresentative response, and a number too high for both my libido and proximity to fulfil. My morals got the better of me, and I decided to go legit, and lose my con-man profile before touching down in the UK where any misled women would be able to hold me accountable for my social experiment/desperate attempt at a confidence boost.

Tinder relies on two things, mutual visual attraction to get a match, as well as mutual visual attraction to sustain the match. This brings me onto my list of the things I love, and the things I hate about this new dating craze. Strap in, and enjoy…

LOVE – IT’S EASY!!!

The simple concept of a thumb gesture to cast fate on someone hasn’t been this overused since Ancient Rome, and instead of the death of a slave, or gladiator, it now signals the potential life or death of a digital partnership.

Shallow, simple, sinister…perfect! The busy lives of people too engrosed in Facebook feeds to make small talk in an elevator, on a train or over dinner, ensure that Tinder is slotted into our lives more suitably than a round peg is slotted into a round hole.

It’s simplicity gives it power. You love the gesture, don’t pretend it’s just me, and “I’d swipe right on ‘er” has joined the lexicon of boys and men up and down the country when spotting an elusive female in the wild. (Not that I myself have ever used it)
It’s hard to hate the animalistic nature of keeping those you’re attracted too, and bypassing those you’re not. Much like a romantically charged game of guess who, but with more strangers and less bald men called Bill.

HATE – THE INFAMOUS TIGER PHOTO

Whether it’s an innocent commonality, or whether it stands as a metaphor for their ability to tame a beast, i’ve seen more dosile tigers on Tinder than I’d care to count. The animal rights groups lead us to believe there is a shortage of Tigers on earth, that they’re almost going extinct. Yet the true numbers have been underestimated because a few of them have been busy taking profile photos with girls. (Or guys if you’re a lady reading this who’s noticed a similar trend)

Probablity suggests that due to the small amount of Tigers in captivity, i’ve probably seen that SAME tiger more than once, which makes me laugh. It’s funny to think that I’ve seen more photos of the one Tiger than I have of one girl. Maybe me and the Tiger would have more in common. Who knows?

LOVE – IT’S A CONFIDENCE BUILDER

“IT’S A MATCH!”

The cursive font dances across your screen, unbroken like your excitement. Reminding you that you’re not too ugly after all 😉

An instant gratification, like a romantic sugar coursing through your veins during that rush. It’s impossible to ignore the added confidence you receive, and it turns you into a ‘match junkie’, constantly chasing your next fix.

Who cares about love when you’ve got 4 matches in a row? A life of loneliness is entirely possible, but at least you’re still in with a shot. Right?

HATE – THE NEED FOR CHEESY CHAT-UP LINES

There’s no wonder less-experienced, chauvanistic men have resulted to a ‘dick moment’. Which as i’m told, is a picture of their dick sent to all of their matches on Tinder. Poor girls; and honestly ladies i’m sorry you have to go through that… but why make it so hard just to start a conversation?

“Hey, how are you?” is too boring, so men are forced to whisper sweet nothings to their creativity to see what is eventually spurted out. Thankfully i’ve been lucky in this department, and i’m going to share a few of my favourite openers to you, officially retiring myself from using them, and giving you a better way to say hello.

“18 miles away! That’s soooo far. I hope you own a helicopter 🙂 x”

“Hey, look at us being impulsive. Me messaging you, and you replying with your number 🙂 People could learn from us x”

The reason lines work is because half of everyone’s ‘about me’ section is empty, so it’s impossible to build rapport with someone on your opening gambit, and the other half of Tinder accounts are Spam, and respond with an offer of sexual favours for 125 roses. (I’ve checked the prices of Roses lads, it’s about £30 for a dozen from a nice florist, so it’s DEFINITELY not worth it!)

Some girls ask for creative and original openers. Some girls need it to trawl through their copious number of matches to find the true fruit in the forest. It’s a necessary evil.

In conclusion it’s not perfect. It turns a man who just wants to go out on some well-planned, cute dates to get to know someone, into a characuture of their former self. Like a thumb-happy Julius Caesar, looking into a digital-pit of women and tigers, racking his brain for the most creative way land a date.

My advice to all men is, get out into the real world, have some real conversations, and even though i’ve met some of the most beautiful, funny and caring girls via Tinder, those women do exist on the other side of your screen. I promise.

Swipe left on Tinder, and swipe right on real life.

DISCLAIMER : This blog post is my round up of Tinder. I’m not perfect, I don’t think I am, pretend to be or aspire to be. My opinion is based on my interpretation and a lot of this blog post is hopefully self-deprecating enough to make you laugh.

It’s a risky title, but I knew it would grab your attention. Extroadinary claims, but the information below is a culmination of experience from online pro’s all over the world, and my immersion into the online poker community to find out their secrets and share them with you. Practice doesn’t make perfect… Practice makes permanent. These skills won’t make you a millionaire, but they will give you the tools necessary to make smarter decisions on your way to taking down your friends in a home game, or sitting at a table for the Pokerstars European Poker Tour.

Poker variants

There are many different kinds of Poker, but the main one we’ll be focussing on, is the worlds most popular version; Texas Hold’em. This game re-kindles ideas of James Bond, as well as characters and real men since he was introduced. The poker player is perceived to be logical, unemotional, stern, analytical and with as much integrity as he has chips. Cheating isn’t an option. The difference between them and you, is that they want to win big, and you want to lose small. It’s gambling for the charming man.

The game consists of two ‘hole cards’ that are dealt to each player, and then 5 community cards that are dealt to the table to help you make the best hand. The beauty being, nobody has any clue what the other players have, and it’s not always the best hand that wins.

I’ll assume you know the basics and what each hand is, if not, there are many places online for you to learn. The best resource for me was probably http://wwww.pokerschoolonline.com

When you know how to make the hands, and what hands will likely win, you’ll be well on your way to the biggest chip stack, but before you do, you need to decide your style of play.

Styles of play

Aggressive – The aggresssive player is a menace at the table, the man who keeps raising, forcing others to fold, playing every hand and over-estimating most of them. The problem here is that this person is hard to bluff, hard to call with bad cards, and often steals the pot from under your nose. So why not be this man? When deciding your style, you may want this to be you. The leader of the table who dicates the reactions of each player and clears the table for serious players only.

The downside here is that if anyone guesses you’re trying to be aggressive, they will more than likely start to call you even more, and sometimes win. The upside though, is that less experienced players will see your confidence and assume you’ve got the best cards.

Slow play – The slow player is patient, deceptive and enjoys any opportunity to bleed you dry, chip by chip. They win small pots, but they also lose less chips. They fold 90% of their hands, and only play good cards before the flop. They don’t often want to pay to see the flop. In the industry they call it ‘limping’. Making miniscule bets, either to envoke a reaction of a raise, or to ensure they can secure a cheaper chance to make a great hand.

The downside here is that big and small blinds will dwindle your chip-stack quicker than losing bets. Playing too slow gives the risk-takers a chance to build a chip-stack that you’re unable to match and recover from.

I would take this approach on a busy table, or in a tournament, as it gives you security and ensures you won’t be knocked out too early.

Top 5 tips for success in Poker

Vary your style – The best way to play is to be unpredictable. Vary your style between aggressive and slow. If the other players aren’t able to guess if you’ve got good cards or not, they’re more likely to fold to you, or lose against your superior cards.

Find the tells – Other players will have tells. Raising on ‘The River’ is one I see in most players. In that example if they call and then raise on the river, they’re trying to steal a pot after not being able to make a good hand. By making notes on all players, you’re able to discover tells by seeing if they call, raise or fold in a pattern. Thus giving you the advantage.

Raise ‘on the button’ – When you’re ‘on the button’ it means you’re the last player to bet a hand. Raising from this position puts pressure on all of the other players, as they have to call to be able to see the next card. This way, only players with good cards are likely to play, and that table of 9 players will likely drop to 2 or 3 people playing that hand. Less opponents increases your chances of winning.

Only play good hands on busy tables. – If the table is busy, you need to avoid being the hero. The grass is always greener on the other side, and often, a good hand is eclipsed by an even better one. Bluffing is not an option here, as not everyone will fold on the river, and you’re staring down the barrell of a proverbial gun. Stick to what you know, vary your play, but stay tight. Don’t over-bet on a pair when someone else could have a flush. It’s the quickest way to lose your stack.

Don’t overuse the bluff. – The biggest rookie mistake is those who ‘bluff’ too often. Stop going all-in every 3 hands. Other players will quickly smell a rat and take a chance on getting you out of the game by calling you with a good hand. Poker pro’s use the bluff like a medical ointment; sparingly.

Practice Practice Practice

Now you know the secrets, you’ll be keen to sharpen your teeth and add another scratch into the bedpost of success. This can be accomplished VERY easily from the comfort of your own home. Either by arranging a night-in with friends, or by playing online.

If you want to play online, the easiest and best way is to download the free http://pokerstars.net client. It’s the biggest poker site in the world, and for good reason. Here you’ll be able to play for free, to hone your skills and ensure you’re not losing money to every closet-professional on the client. You can even play on your tablet or smartphone. When you’ve built up confidence you can have hours of fun taking play chips until you’re ready to graduate into a real cash game. Most of which can be entered for less than the cost of a pack of gum and can win you enough for a free coffee.