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Jul 30 WHAT I DIDN'T SAY...BEFORE I RANG THE BELL

For Thanksgiving we were invited to go to Mexico with some of our friends. It was perfect there. The kids all played on the beach in the sand and got to watch the dolphins frolic. It was very chill. We all needed it. We as a family been running like mad from one thing to the next. We were frazzled. The day after Thanksgiving I think U of A worked ASU over! Both my husband and my girlfriend went to U of A so they mood was lively. We were drinking tequila...really having too much fun. Sometimes if I have too much alcohol I can go to sleep but I won't rest or stay asleep. Or a sleep that is deep. This nights rest I can't really explain except to say that it felt like I was having a conversation with my consciousness...my inner self. She simply said it was time to go meet my dad and put it to rest once and for all.

In late September I wrote a letter of commitment to myself. What I would be willing to do that was outrageous and I could live into. A serious personal stretch. The number one goal was to meet my dad. Here is how I phrased it:

I waited and waited...thinking and thinking some more about the best way to do it. It was agonizing! I was torturing myself with thoughts of doubt all based in fear of how it might happen. Was I worthy enough. It went on for weeks...I call this emotional cutting for the record. As a warm up act for getting my ass in the car and to the house I called my mom again and asked her a few questions and details about my dad. She is never thrilled when I start in on this subject. I told her that I was going to meet my dad (again) I have said this at various points in my life and never lived into it. I asked her for the address and while she was on the phone I googled and researched. I was on ancestory.com, something I started a while ago but never got very far. It's hard to do If you don't have any information thats solid! Online in the the county records I found the house in Johnny Mae Lewis's name and then I found her obituary. I balled my eyes out with my mom on the phone. I was shocked at how I was taken over with emotions I had no idea I owned. As a child I was so loved by my mothers Rita. I really wanted to know Johnny Mea. To meet her at least. The only memories I have of her are short over the phone rejections I was too young to understand. In her obituary I found all kinds of names of people all I guessed were part of my family and most of which made no sense to me as there was no context for me to apply to it. I made a list of all those names. After which I went to Facebook and cross referenced what I found. Again it was all out of context. I poured a glass of wine, lit some candles and went to cuddle up in my bed and cry. I felt lost and forlorn...and sorry for myself! I was afraid. What if it wasn't them, what if they were pissed off at my curiosity? I made some deep inquiry of myself that night in the midst of all that fucked up emotional cutting wrapped in fear, shame, abandonment and rejection! Here is what it came down to...MY bottomline...was...Just because they didn't want me didn't mean that I didn't want them and Just because they didn't love me didn't mean I didn't love them! I did and I do! It was in this space that my consciousness spoke and said I was going on Monday. It would be December 1, 2014. In my tequila soaked haze I was in shock and at ease at the same time. I spoke the truth to myself. It was GO time. The next two days were weird. I was calm outside but nervous and afraid as hell inside...surrendered to knowing I was doing IT Monday! We drove home from Mexico on Saturday. On Sunday I went to church at Pilgrims Rest. I had joined earlier that year. I met Cstevie at church as it is our routine. Our boys are great friends as are we. Pastor Thomas spoke on Fathers ann how every baby is a blessing and has a purpose. I cried through the whole service. It was all for me. The words and passages. I was cloaked in the word on the subject. After church Cstevie asked me what I was doing Monday. I told her I was going to meet my dad in Tucson. For the first time? she asked. Yes I replied. She said "who is going with you? I said No one! She was like NO Way! I will go with you. And she did. On Monday December 1, 2014 I woke up at 3:30. I made coffee and started my grandma Rita's coveted banana bread. I shot a video of that time on a sheer whim of capturing the day. To do so was so outside my comfort zone! You can see it on my personal Facebook page. I baked love that day. I was doing a lunch project for Save The Family with my children. We decorated bags and we stuffed them with yummy lunches for one of the youth programs they sponsor. It was a whole day of giving. The plan was to meet Cstevie at Save The Family so I could drop the lunches off and get on the road to Tucson to ring the bell. It was a life changing day!