To ask about balance between PIL and DP/DC

Apologies for the list of questions but I really do want to be reasonable and currently trying to steer my marriage through a potentially rocky patch.I'm so sad that we've reached this point and trying not to be a b***h.

Do you feel that your "primary" family (DP/DC) should be a higher priority than your parents and are there any circumstances in which this might be reversed (specifically, the serious illness of a parent)?

Would you consider it acceptable to move an ill parent into the family home of your primary family even where you knew that your OH was unhappy about this and where it was causing her/him stress?

Would you feel differently depending on the age of your DC? Would it be less acceptable if your DC was newborn as opposed to, for example, 10 or 15 years old?

If I had a seriously ill parent who I wanted to come and live with me so I could look after them, but my OH said no, I would think him to be a right bastard.

However, it's hard to judge or offer opinions for you because of how vague your scenario is. In reality a lot of factors would influence the final decision that was made so perhaps you could be more specific about what actual situation you are in?? I.e the severity of the illness and why you partner feels having his parent at home is the best thing? And why you disagree?

I know in theory, the ill parent should be able to move in to your house, and I know this is totally unreasonable but whereas I would want my parent to live with us, if my MIL were to come I think I would have to move out, it would literally make my live here unbearable!

Outlaws have not spoken to me for about 4 years since I unintentionally made sil look not too clever. Mil told my friend I was a bitch. Yes, nice. Have pointed out to dh he should see them. My bit done. They've always despised me and everything I stand for.

DH's parent has been diagnosed with cancer and is starting chemotherapy. We have a newborn DD and I'm having very little sleep and struggling to hold things together and not sure physically how I'm going to look after two more people. I have suggested to DH that if he wants us to look after his parents, he could apply for statutory parental leave so that we'd have another pair of hands at home, which we could manage financially, but he doesn't want to do so for career reasons.

Hard to answer your question without more facts, but while I can understand why you'd want to care for an ill parent there may be perfectly acceptable reasons why a DP may say "no".

For instance, not having room and the prospect of a long period of caring (with all the stress of that, without adequate space, having an impact on home and possibly work life). Or there being a safety issue, or a major financial one. Also depends on whether you are expecting a major sacrifice from your DP, and other things such as any issues with your DPs mental and physical health which may impact on their ability to cope with what you are asking of them.

And yes, if it might have a negative impact on your children, then I think that is a consideration that has to be taken into account. I actually think a younger child might be less affected than a child who is a bit older and more aware (or a child about to sit important exams etc).

Overall, I'd say it's not at all unreasonable to want to care for a parent, and to discuss a parent moving in with you/your family with your DP and to ask for their support and help.

However, I think to unilaterally decide that you will move a parent in without consideration of the impact upon your family and without a discussion with, or agreement of, your DP would be unfair and unwise- especially if you a) want their assistance and support and b)value your relationship.

Likewise, I'd say if your DP loves and respects you, they should consider very carefully before refusing such a request and only refuse if their are genuine reason for objection/insurmountable obstacles.

Parents, multiple? So the ill parent has a spouse still alive and with them? Sorry, but unless that spouse was severely incapacitated, I don't see why they both need to move in with you and have you look after them. You have a newborn baby to take care of.

I would look after and live with mil because I live her very much. I would leave the family home if FIL moved in but then so would DH. I do not think your husband can ask you to take care of his mother, that is his responsibility. I would offer in the case of mil, but DH would not and should not expect it.

I can see both you point s of view taking parental leave isn't alway the best course in your career at certain times, but I have a 5 mth am back to work and on my knees with tiredness..

If you have space I would agree and then hirer a clearer and possibly a career to help with pil if they are so ill they can't live independently.To take as much strain of as possible but dh would have to agree to being very hands on plenty of time of for you.

Your looking at it very black and white one needs above the other sometimes in life it isn't always possible to do that and it's about trying to manage every ones needs as best you can.

So he wants you to look after his ill parent while he works, and somehow do this around a newborn?

When I was 15, I was banished to the sofa for 3 months while my terminally ill nana needed my room. I was much older than your child so could fend for myself and understand what was going on. Also, my mum (nana's daughter) took time away from work to become nana's primary carer. Others chipped in, but as she was her parent, mum saw it as her job.

In this case, YANBU. It's awful that one of your in-laws is so unwell, but your priority has to be to your newborn child. When I think how much I struggled with the newborn weeks/months with a supportive partner and no extra worries, the scenario you describe could have quite literally killed me. The fact that your husband is unwilling to assist you in any meaningful way just means you should be even more resolute in refusing this request. Horrible situation though.

I'd say that you have genuine reasons to be cautious- taking in another 2 people, one of whom is seriously ill, in addition to a newborn and being expected to manage on a day-to-day basis by yourself is a very big ask.

You have suggested a compromise (him taking statutory parental leave), which would allow him to have his parents move in and you to keep your sanity and your physical health intact. He is not keen to make any sacrifices or compromises, yet he wants you to agree to a major undertaking which will cause a great deal of stress (and they are his parents)?

I'd explain your concerns, and suggest that he thinks again about parental leave. If he won't, I think you'd be perfectly within your rights to say "no". Actually, I think you'd be within your rights to say "no" anyway- but he really can't leave the bulk of this to you.

Depends on so much. What's the illness? Long or short term? What are were relationship like with PIL prior to illness. How much care of PIL is needed? How much space in house available. Could PIL go for respite to take burden off carer? Has main career got othe jobs / commitment? Is PIL demanding? Sorry to ask so many qus but I would need all these factors. am also really horrible, would make rm for my mum but not my mil