Many of us who have lost a loved one, don’t feel the wonders of Christmas and wish it would just go away.

It’s so easy to get caught up in the media, picture perfect Christmas that we miss those that feel the depths of grieving at the holidays. I know because I lost a son 9 years ago. Most people (those that haven’t experienced this…hope you never do either), would say it’s time to get over this grief.

I know your hearts are good and you want to see us happy, but the loss is so great that, may I say, we will NEVER get over it. There is a song by Vince GilI that says

“I’m trying to get over you, but it’ll take dying to get it done”.

It is exactly how I feel. I will grieve and miss my son until the day I die. I am writing this for those of you that have great loss and for those of you who don’t understand our grief.

There are several things I did after my Joey left this earth. I want to say here that I have moved on.

I have two adult children, three adult stepchildren, two daughters in law, one son in law, six grandchildren and an amazing husband (I re-married a year ago).

My first anniversary is this Saturday. I am extremely blessed in all of this, but nonetheless, I can be at the grocery store and see the penny horse that kids ride and have a huge wave of grief hit me. It just happened today.

I was finished paying, walking to the car and got a quick picture of Joey when he was about 3 years old riding that horse and waving at me.

I had to use all the tools within me to not lose it right there in the crowded grocery store.

The good news is that those moments are less frequent and not as intense as they used to be. The most important thing I did after Joey’s death was to stay closely in touch and keep in communication with God. I simply would not have made it without my faith.

I will say that I was angry with God until I came to understand how completely good his heart always is.

This took time and some wrestling with God, but it made my faith stronger and my gratitude to God greater. Another thing we (my two kids went with me) did after he died was to join a support group for a period of time. It was a great help in moving on.

There were people there that were farther down the road on the journey of grief and really helped me to have hope about the time I would feel so awful! The third thing was that we changed how we did Christmas. We (the kids and I) decided to change the location from my house to my daughter and son in law’s house.

It’s sometimes the traditions that leave the gap so evident and raw. We really didn’t do too well the first three Christmases, but it did begin to get easier.

The fourth thing we did was to talk about him. It was not a taboo subject with us. We supported each other when we had a ‘Joey moment”. If you notice, I use the pronoun “we” a lot because I was not in this alone. If you don’t have family, find a support group.

You need others during this time. There are a few other tools that helped me get to my present day life without Joey.

1. I made & took time to grieve.

I spent time that was very intentional to grieve. I would set aside a morning to just read about grieving, write letters to Joey or letters to God or just journal my feelings. I hated those times, but I also needed them greatly.

It is so important that you grieve. Don’t numb yourself or skip those hard feelings.

They are really a gift that will help you to feel better and move on in your life, When the anger came I would write a letter about how angry I was and I would get an old ugly plate from good will, put it in a plastic bag and break it with a hammer until I felt better. Anger and tears are those feelings that must be let out.

2. I practiced “heart breathing”

This really helped me to calm down when an intense moment would hit me and I needed to not break down. The way you do this is to put your hand on your heart. Now imagine that when you inhale your breath is entering through your heart and your hand.

When you exhale imagine that your breath is leaving through your hand and your heart. It is a great way to line up your body and your energy. I would concentrate on the breathing instead of the feeling that was about to overtake me.

3. I grieved in my own way.

One last thing that I allowed my self was that I didn’t let others tell me how to grieve. Everyone grieves differently and some people have a harder time moving as fast.

If you need to go to the grave-site often, then do it.

If you need to have pictures all over the house then do it.

If you need to scream in your car or in your house then do it.

I know this sounds crazy but sometimes it’s how you as a person can move on. I want to say this and it is very IMPORTANT. If you stay stuck and can’t get though your life get counseling. If you have depression that leads to suicidal thoughts, get a counselor.

There is no shame if you need help through all this. I needed a counselor and did EMDR (Eye Movement desensitization and Reprocessing Therapy) It’s one of the hardest things you will ever have to get through. My son’s death was sudden and had trauma around it so I needed to get help to move forward.

For those that have a friend or a family member that is struggling with grieve this Christmas, the greatest gift you can give to them is your presence and your spirit of listening.

Don’t try to fix it. Don’t try to explain it like saying everything happens for a reason… that does not help us. (I know your spirit is good, but we really don’t want it explained with simpleexplanations).

Just be patient with them, love them, and be there to support them. Easier said than done, I know, but it is what we need.

It hasn’t been too long ago that I was having a conversation about playing to win versus playing not to lose. I’ve thought about that quite a bit since that conversation.

I work with people and talk about core beliefs.They are one of the hardest things we have to identify, contend with, and to adjust toward truth. So many of our core beliefs are false and almost all are developed during our formative years.

A child interprets life so differently than an adult does. They are very concrete. They do not have the maps or experiences in their brains to draw from in order to interpret words and actions in the adult world. For example, my son was getting ready to go to kindergarten. He was determined that he was not going. I tried so hard to convince him that it was going to be a great experience and he was going to love it. I told him that he would get to meet other new kids and make friends. He flatly refused that idea.

I told him he would get to do crafts and artwork. That wasn’t anything he was interested in. He would get his own desk with his own pencils, crayons, and paper. He wasn’t buying any of this.

Then I said, “you will get a recess every day,” He thought a minute and said, “ok, I’ll go.” I was surprised how that had turned it all around but was glad he had decided to go without a fight.

The first day of school was exciting and I picked him up and we were talking about all the things that had happened that day. I asked if he got a recess and he said no. Well, I decided that being the first day perhaps there were just too many things to do so it just didn’t happen, so I assured him that tomorrow he would get that recess.

The second day was the same excitement about what had happened except, again, no recess. I asked the question again, “so, you didn’t go outside?” “Yea, we went outside, but we didn’t get a Reese’s. THEN it dawned on me that he was expecting a Reese’s Peanut butter cup every day! Yikes, that was a big misinterpretation.

We have laughed about how he had, at 5 years old, established his own interpretation. It’s a silly story but illustrates perfectly how a core belief is developed during those formative years. What if I had never discussed this with him? Throughout his whole life he kept waiting, trying to manipulate, and never getting the result of the candy bar?

You can see the frustration, disappointment and all that would develop from not getting what was promised and expected out of school.

There are so many things that happen to a young child that goes along this story line, but are much deeper in the result of a core belief. If a young child is made to make the parent happy (should be the other way around, but gets messed up due to dysfunction in the family) then that child will develop an attitude of playing not to lose instead of playing to win. What am I saying here? What does that look like in a person’s life?

It might look like a person that is constantly reading others and doing things for others so they don’t get mad at them or so they will like them. That would mean that I’m not really caring about them as a person, but I am always worrying about their reaction toward me and trying so hard to tip toe, or compliment them or whatever it might take to keep them happy.

Your whole life is lived for the other person. There is really no inherent worth within us. We are completely at the mercy of everyone else. Sounds exhausting doesn’t it? It is!

This core belief that you are responsible for everyone else is the perfect storm for anxiety, depression and anger. There is really no way for one person to make another person happy, nor can you earn anyone’s love. We are playing a losing game. We lose our freedom, we lose ourselves, we lose our peace, and we lose our right to give gifts because we want to. Life becomes a bunch of should of, could of, have to’s. This makes me tired just writing this.

Playing to win or giving to others because we want to love them is a core belief that, when developed and believed, changes our lives for the better.

This, as you already know, is easier ‘said’ than ‘done’. The deeper picture here is that you believe your self-worth is in what others think of you (if I just play not to lose then at least others will see my endeavor).

If playing not to lose is about being ‘seen’, then what is playing to win? It’s about our inherent worth. Our self-worth doesn’t change from day to day, it is always the same. We can’t increase it by doing good (or trying to look good), or decrease it by screwing up. That is a very hard concept for many of us to grasp. So many of us have grown up still believing that we were going to get a Reese’s every day and it’s never happened.

We strive every day to get the other person to give us the candy but it never comes so our belief is that something wrong with us….we assume that everyone else must get their Reese’s everyday. My question to you is, does it change who you really are if people approve of you or not?

When I work with people one of the things we discuss the most is all around our self-worth.

“We are loved. Born out of love, into love, to know love, and to be loved. Yes, we were born into a fallen, sorry world, which is at the same time more lovely than any fairy tale. It is both. And in the beautiful, heartbreaking world, God…the eternal, omniscient, amazing One…loves human beings. Including YOU!” – Staci Eldredge, Becoming Myself

Now…WHAT IF…that was a core belief? Write your own statement about who you are and why you are loved(I know sometimes we don’t feel loved, but the fact is God IS love). Some of you reading this are not convinced that God is love because this world is ruthless and damages our hearts and our spirits, but our self-worth is that we are uniquely formed and our past shapes us in good and bad ways. How we handle all this is how we move through life. I have people look in the mirror and say statements like “Patti, I like you” and then when they can say that without laughing or flinching then change it to, “Patti, I love you,” or “Patti you deserve success”, or “Patti you can now love others freely”. Try this….It will seem silly at first but it can become very powerful and big step toward having self-esteem versus other-esteem. Give out of love, not for self-advancement!! Play to win!!

PS…. If you struggle with worthlessness and low self-esteem, finding a great therapist to work with is another big step.

Happiness is . . .

One of the most asked for, longed for and sought after feeling is: happiness.

I have sat with countless people that just wanted to be happy. Many had a very tragic journey to get to adulthood only to find that the pain didn’t stop and happiness was very short lived. I know that many turn in a plethora of directions to find this most sought after state of being.

I have, myself, wondered how to teach, preach, draw and/or lead others to find happiness. After much thought and MANY experiences my conclusion is that happiness is found when we find contentment in whatever situation we are in. Another way to say this is that happiness is a fleeting state because we live in a world that will most certainly cause pain, betrayal, abuse, loneliness and many other negative feeling, BUT it also is full of beauty, light, love and fulfilling relationships.

When living in a state of constant conflict because we don’t want to feel the negative we are in a fog that keeps us from seeing clearly. Clear sight is found only after we can embrace all of who we are….including all the parts we don’t like.

So many of us feel like we are broken, not lovable and weak. This causes us to never be satisfied with who we uniquely are because we need to be like someone else that seems happy. A constant striving causes us to be tired and weary.

The most peculiar part is that we don’t notice how striving our hearts and heads are because we are like the frog in cold water. If the temperature is slowly raised the frog doesn’t jump out, it adapts. It becomes the norm when the false self is always the image we manifest to others. Someone described their false self and fears like a half dozen ping pong balls in water and they are using all their effort to keep all of them under the water to not be seen.

That would totally be exhausting and quite futile. How is it at all possible to find, or for matter, to see happiness with all this is going on? I don’t have the answer to finding happiness or I’d be wealthy. There are a few things that I have found that happy people display in their lives. I will preface my answer with there are NO formulas….wish there were!!

1. Know who you are.

This is the hardest one to do. What are some of your core beliefs? One of mine used to be if I could just be a better Christian (keep the commandments, pray, go to church, serve, etc) my life would be happy. What I know now is that my heart is the key. I want to love others better, know God better and use my experiences to understand God, myself, and others better. Knowing your triggers, passions, beliefs and embracing that, is a life long process. I need to give myself permission to experience those feelings and be content with the process. Why do you react stronger about some things than others? Why do some people bug you more than others? Learning all this about ME is important, but accepting is also very important.

2. Don’t compare yourself to others.

This is another reason that you need to accept who you are. Liking who we are keeps us from wanting to have or be like others.

The secret of happiness is to admire without desiring. – Carl Sandburg

3. Be more interested in getting to know the other person.

…rather then you talking about yourself. When you meet someone, ask questions about what they do, about their family, etc. You will end up getting to talk about yourself, but don’t make that your goal. Giving to others is part of being content and happy.

4. Accept that you are NOT perfect.

….you are perfectly imperfect. I was raised in a home where my dad was a pastor. The message (overt and covert) was that I needed to be perfect although: God doesn’t expect us to be perfect, but really he does. (I know this is not truth, but a very confusing message) I hate making mistakes, but I also can now talk about them and laugh about some of them, and other blunders, learn from.

5. Have a good sense of humor.

Laughing at ourselves is so important to not have to keep up with others to ‘fit’ in!! Having humor about “life” lightens up the mood and makes us more content with where we are in our journey.

6. Notice beauty.

All of us can appreciate beauty in nature, (although we seem too busy today to stop and ponder) but what about a beautiful thing that happens in relationship. One of the most beautiful moments that I remember is when a little 3-year-old boy asked a friend of mine (who was dating his mother) if he would be his dad. Don’t miss those moments, they are chucked full of feelings and happiness. Keep a list of things that are beautiful (My grandkids’ laughter, My husband’s smile, my kid’s texting me for no reason, Independence Pass, a dragon fly, etc).

7. Be grateful.

This is one we hear all of the time. I am (now…it took a while) grateful that my marriage was not a good one and didn’t work out. It has put me in the career that I am presently in. It taught me tons about myself. It taught me to live in the storm and still find some contentment. My love, patience, empathy, and knowledge about relationship all came with the on-the-job-training of a 25-year relationship (along with the 3 greatest blessings, my children).

8. Do random acts of kindness.

Leave a generous tip, put money in an expired parking meter, smile at others, compliment (not cheesy) others, buy for the person behind you and so on. After you do an act, notice how you feel. Happy? Satisfied? Good about yourself?

Whenever you are creating beauty around you, you are restoring your own soul. – Alice Walker

9. Spend time alone.

Use this time for the care of your soul. I don’t know what you think about spiritual things, but spending this time to read, think, pray, reflect and renew your spirit is the last but certainly not the least part of being happy and content (in fact it goes along with the first). You will have to search for who God is, what do you feel your purpose is in life, what are your passions and what are the core beliefs that lead you to do what you do in life. This too is ‘creating beauty”, within you.

Everything has its wonders, even darkness and silence, and I learn, whatever state I may be in, therein to be content. – Helen Keller

Happiness is being content with who we are and knowing that whatever is happening to us, will make us better for having lived and experienced it. You are not broken. You are unique. Start learning about who you are today. I challenge you to spend a half hour a day just being with yourself reflecting on your story. I would love to hear some of your ‘war’ stories that has lead you to be content and happy where you are. Stories are the most important thing about knowing who we are.

There is an old song that the words go “there’s a hole in the bucket, dear Liza, dear Liza…How shall I fix it, dear Liza, dear Liza”. It’s a catchy tune and reminds me of how we as human beings have holes in our hearts and we ask how shall I fix it? Let me explain. You may relate to this story. You go to a party and you see someone that seems to know people and connects with them. They seem happy, confident and loved by others. You feel a longing that you wish you could connect as well as that person. You may go talk to someone that you know but you still have that feeling down there of emptiness and loneliness so you want to fix it by getting a drink. After the first drink you feel a little better so you may go get another…then another and so on until the feeling doesn’t bother you anymore. Of course we all know that when the alcohol wears off we feel another feeling, usually guilt, with perhaps the physical feelings of a hangover. Then how do you fix that hole? Well we will repeat the cycle most likely. I talk to my clients about the holes in our hearts that can lead us to try to fill them with substances such as alcohol, drugs, nicotine, caffeine or maybe we fill it with work, business, sex, shopping, spending, eating, religion, video games, exercise, TV and other behaviors that keep us from feeling those feelings that we so want to avoid. Addiction makes us dull. We are meant to be sensitive, but as we deaden our senses, we compensate by trying to bring them back to life through more indulgenc3e. The more we do so, the more we need to do so. We are on a cheap pony fide that turns in tighter and tighter circles until the tether rope is wound so tightly around the center pole that neither pony nor rider can take even one more step. Thus we are immobilized. (Dan Allender)
But let’s back up a bit and talk about addiction. What is an addiction? Any substance or behavior that causes disruption in our daily lives when we need increased amounts to get the same effect, when we make attempts to stop but are unsuccessful, have anxiety or stress when it’s absent from our lives, and it begins to effect our work, family life, and friendships. Addiction will eventually cause substantial damage to our lives emotionally, physically, or spiritually. When an addiction takes hold of our lives, our time and our minds, we become unable to see the evidence in our own lives as to what is happening. Usually the person develops behaviors of lying, verbal reality (believing their own lies), manipulation, isolation, blaming, anger, intensity, and hiding. The greatest damage is the shame and guilt that comes from not being able to stop or control the behavior. Shame is the greatest killer of intimacy and blocker to happiness that exists in our culture today. Shame is usually already in our emotional make up from childhood. It is one of the main feelings that we want to anesthetize and cover up. We could write books on the effects of shame and how to deal with it, but our subject is about addiction.

Some of the issues that must be dealt with is the cycle of addiction, the triggers that start the cycle and the damage done to the addict as well as others in their families and community of support.

Since so much of our wounds come from relationship, I believe that it is in relationship that we can heal our wounds. Accountability is essential in helping us to overcome our addictions. This is why 12 step programs and groups are so important to ending the behavior. It is (almost) impossible to overcome a deep addiction without help. As we act out over the years we develop thinking, beliefs, and habits that seem overwhelming. I believe in the 12 steps, but I also believe that dealing with the family of origin issues and trauma is essential for relapse prevention.

There are different beliefs between therapist and the helping professions. Addictions are sometimes called a disease, compulsivity, and some will say that addictions do not exist except for substances that have the chemical affects, but whatever we call it, addiction is destructive to our body, minds, souls, families, friends, and all that encompasses our well being. The good news is it can be overcome. Understanding our cycles, triggers, and making plans, escape plans, and being accountable, having support, and learning to feel again, are all a part of getting into recovery.

The hardest part is to begin. We can only begin when we admit and realize with one simple (although nothing about recovery is simple) admission that we are powerless over … you fill in the bank. “There’s a hole in the bucket (heart) dear Liza, dear Liza. There’s a hole in the bucket (heart) dear Liza, a hole. How shall I fix it, dear Liza, dear Liza?” Will you try to fix it with behaviors, substances, or with recovery?

When I was a small child I leisurely walked down a bright path that was full of beauty and wonder. I’ve always imagined that I was like little red riding hood. I was on my way….somewhere with no thoughts that there could be a big bad wolf at the end of the path. I would stop and watch an ant carry a crumb down the sidewalk and be amazed at how small the ant was and the hugeness of the crumb. I would stand on the curb of the sidewalk after a rain and watch the water rush down the street. Sometimes I would make a boat out of a piece of board and run with it as it floated down the street. I got a bright red bike when I was 10 years old that gave me wings! I road it to school and back, to my friend’s house and to church at times. At 10 I was allowed to play late into the night on summer days. I was free and loved my journey to “grandma’s house”. That bright path was full of amazement, wonder, and learning. It was a path of learning about the simple things that life can bring us. I learned about the basics of who God was and it all seemed so simple.

When I turned 14 years old, I was forced on the path called duty. My little red riding hood inspiration would begin to dim. Living life was about what others thought of me, feeling less-than, …ugly, stupid and uncertain. There wasn’t time to watch the rain or the ants; or put on my red cape and meander down the bright path, I had a sense now of danger. It was a time of learning about people and the disappointment of life. It was a time of learning about duty, judgment and confusion. My adult caretakers consisted of the modeling of the judgment of God and the duties of church. My life path was filled with learning about people’s demand of me and using me for practical purposes, not what I was longing for…..someone to love me just for who I was. My basket, full of duty, was getting heavy to carry. I learned to not use my voice because there was an aftermath of lectures and trouble. I learned that men didn’t care for you like in the novels I read. My bright path was dimmed by a call to duty and propriety. My amazement and wonder turned to shock and confusion.

At age 17 I took the path called know-it-all. That was a very critical path. I left the path of duty that I felt forced to take and I put in my basket egocentricity. There wasn’t much at this juncture, I could be taught….after all, I knew all the Bible verses and I knew right from wrong and I most certainly knew that I had found the man I must marry…… do I need to say it again…I knew the scripture taught that you married the one that you ‘gave your self to’. I had this thing of life all figured out. It really wasn’t about being happy it was about being RIGHT. I knew for sure that once I got out of school and got married everything would be so much better!

The next path I chose was down to the valley of shame and sorrow (though when I chose it I thought I would be back on the bright path). Marriage was not what I had thought. It was full of doubt, shame, unhappiness and pain. I did begin, on this path, to look for God. I needed more than to just be RIGHT, I needed something to hold on to. I tried to give the love I thought God wanted me to give. I would hand my heart to the big bad wolf (who deceived me because I didn’t see his big teeth) to show him love and trust. I thought I could hold on to him but, he would take it, stomp on it, almost break it in half and hand it back to me. Being that there was enough little red riding hood still in me, I did this dance of giving my heart to the big bad wolf many times and received it back completely damaged. So…..I did the only thing left to do, I turned it into a heart of stone. I put it on my basket and I guarded it with every thing I had. I traded my cape in for armor and I trudged on down the path of shame and confusion. This path however taught me much more than all the other paths I had chosen. In order to walk this path I had to grow and become more alert. I wanted to get beyond this path because it was sucking the life out of me. My heart was as desolate and hard. It could only feel anger and resentment, but yet there was a familiarity about it so I stayed on this dark path. I felt stuck on the path and couldn’t see my way (it was very dark) to turn on the next path until God showed up and told he that HE would give me my heart of flesh. HE would value my heart and love me for who I was and not use me. I began to become aware of the things around me on the path again. I began to develop a new sense of amazement. I could see dimly in the dark now. God began to open my eyes though the process of getting off the path of shame and confusion was slow. It was his promise to heal my heart and make it like the bright path I once knew that keep me moving forward. I learned more from this path than any other path that I was on yet it was the path with had the most sorrow and fear. I took pictures of this path because I didn’t want to forget the wisdom that was severely acquired. I learned later that the pictures would be valuable to having faith when sorrow would pop back up. The most interesting part of the path was the pull offs and overlooks. As I begin to pull over and look at different part of the path closer, I found that the only way to soften the heart of stone was great pain. At the overlooks I could see this bridge that looked very scary. I sometimes took a gloomy path that was a very rocky and dirty. I remember being very much afraid on these little side roads, but each time I got back on the main path of healing, my faith in God and my wisdom had increased. My basket that I had carried all through my journey now had wisdom, empathy, love, eyes to see, and hears to hear. It was a lighter basket to carry.

I did at some point (though I don’t quite remember the intersection) turn to the right. When I made this turn I found the path of sagacity and love. Sagacity means wise, adviser, perceptive and sensitive. Now I don’t pretend that this road is perfect or an easy hike, but this path is an adventure that is unlike the bright path because the sights on it aren’t about innocence or inexperience. This path is about reality and again having a sense of wonder and amazement, but now based upon a complex and extraordinary God. Where I am walking now is with the huntsman who protects me and takes care of me and is teaching me all the mysteries of human love. Along with learning about human love, the real mystery is that it’s also a very amazing picture of God’s love. The huntsman is not perfect but is a great gift the “grandmother” gave me. Grandmother, I discovered, was God and his unconditional love. He heard my fears, my confusion, and my pain. I did my part on the journey and yes it was work … but it was a great work of heart. I would again, walk on the path of shame and sorrow for it is that bridge I saw that must be taken to get to the path of sage and love. Much of the beauty of Sage and Love path is the scars that give the authority to help others steer to the right. The sense of wonder and amazement come every time I get to take things out of my basket and give it to another journeyman. When I watch them take the eyes-to-see and the ears-to-hear, they too begin to go over the frightening bridge to get to the great path of Sage and Love. It’s a severe route that must be taken to get a heart of flesh and the basket full of amazement and wonder! This story is about the romance of life, but with new eyes to see now that are not only, spiritual, but looking for the adventure of life with eyes wide open. “You are my servant, Red Riding Hood, in whom I will display my splendor”. Love God.

Well here we are again to the day that people talk about love. The Hallmark channel is showing movie after movie about love and romance. I’m watching one as I type this. Jared’s, Kay’s and Zale’s are all on the commercials assuring men how to get their women to love them more…..give them diamonds. Restaurants and hotels have romantic getaway packages for the couple that needs a boost in their relationship. Red hearts are all over the media, in stores, and on people’s front doors. Women mostly hope that their guy remembers to get them a card about love and a gift that is personal and sweet. Love is in the air…….. or is it?

What is love? We throw that word out about so many things. I love carrot cake cookies from Trader Joes (and if you haven’t had them you should learn what decadent love is). I love football (that’s a statement for Tim). I love when there are bright orange colors in the sunset. I love a good romance movie or book. I love my grandson’s triple giggle. I love when my granddaughter twirls her skirt and dances. You know what I mean. We all have things that just make us glad we are alive.

But really if there is one thing that we all long for in some form or other, it’s Love….true, deep, intimate, fulfilling love. It’s the one emotion that gives us our greatest moments in life. It can change your life in moments. One minute you’re a single woman (fairly content with being independent) and then 3 dates later you are falling for a man’s heart. What the heck happens that love comes suddenly, surprisingly, softly, and sometimes confusingly? How do you know if it’s the real thing? Then along comes the proposal, then the marriage and so on and so on. Then according to statistics over 50% begin to show complacency within the first 2 years and taking the other for granted; life just consumes you and other things become more important until finally the realization that it’s not the same as the moment you said “I do”.

It’s not love that causes us pain, but the loss of it or the diminishing of the intimacy. Every marriage that stops fighting and working for the good of the other will experience the loss of connection. Or they may just experience nothing anymore except the hum drum of life….ugh. Good marriages settle for status quo and forget that they used to have a great relationship. Men want a great relationship as much as women, but neither quite knows how to get there.

Works of Heart Counseling is offering a Valentine’s Special Couple’s Review. What is this? It’s a chance to draw closer, a chance to re-commit and a chance to iron out wrinkles. Does your relationship deserve this chance? We are offering a 90 minute session with Tim and Patti Holt for $75.00. Call 719-321-4497 or 719-337-8593. The first 10 to book their session gets a gift. Have a happy and loving valentine’s day.

What do you and your family celebrate? Many of us celebrate Christmas, birthdays, Thanksgiving, Easter, weddings, and other days that we deem significant in our lives. I begin to look at living life with more celebrations a few years back. I think I began to realize that life is very very short. I turned 60 two years ago (no more birthday counting for me…hehe). I realized that I am at the end of my life and at the same time I think my brain also told my body to start to ache here and sharp pain there. I decided that I wanted to celebrate more. I’ve read many stories about people that have survived cancer or near-death experiences and they all, in some way or another say, they want to celebrate every new day.

Being raised in a preacher’s home celebrating was not a big emphasis. There was more importance put on responsibility, duty and obedience. Actually I learned that there “might” be some formulas to a happy life (getting excited?). One thing my dad always said to me was, ‘Patti Sue if you just behave yourself and do the right things, you’ll have a good life’. Well I put that formula to the test and guess what…. ummm not a good formula. I got married, had kids, was the church secretary, church pianist and just to be safe added the children’s choir to the tasks. In 1999 my formula was shot to heck (or the other word, they both fit) when my marriage crumbled and I moved to another town 150 miles away. No amount of begging God to fix it caused it to get better. No celebration that week….well my sweet sister-in-law bought me an ice-cream cake for my birthday, but the spirit was diminished, to say the least.

It was then that the first step toward appreciating what life throws at you started to dawn on me. Accepting the fact that life doesn’t have a formula and, in fact bad things happen to ALL people and good things happen to ALL people, is a very important core belief to embrace in getting to the place of “let’s celebrate”. It was just my turn to “get to” experience life’s’ authenticity.

For those single parents reading this, you have already taken the step that life has no formulas (or if you haven’t then you’re killing yourself to do it all). Some of us are slow learners (I’m raising my hand). I began this part of my life (the single part) learning to live with absolutely no free time, no money and no privacy. I missed all of the good stuff to celebrate. I regret that I didn’t see that my kids did wonderful things for me all the time, that I had a car that ran, that I had food on the table (even though it was a little table), that I had an apartment with a washer and a dryer….I could go on .

It was seven years ago that I really saw life at its darkest, but now isn’t it ironic how the darkest moments shake us awake. I really began to see that life is about relationship, beauty, celebrating and loving life. I decided that I wanted to celebrate more often. I was sick of being about duty, responsibility, and keeping the law. Now I don’t mean that I gave up the disciplines of life like going to work, taking care of my kids, and just doing the things that make life work better, but I’m saying that it was no longer that I couldn’t see the fun for all the duty.

When was the last time you celebrated on a Wednesday night for no reason except that you made all the lights on the way home? When was the last time you had high-tea at noon on a Saturday with your kids or a friend? When was the last time you celebrated having enough money to buy the car behind you coffee or let a person behind you cut in front of you in line (that’s a celebration). Maybe we need to define celebrate (Tim is very big on defining terms…it’s the science in him and the male logical side of him). Celebrate: Show happiness at something, mark occasion, perform religious ceremony, praise something. Now I like the ‘praise something’ a lot. Just praising that I am alive and “getting to” do something, whatever it is, can be considered celebrating. I could celebrate that Iget tocook dinner because it’s healthier, cheaper AND most important, it’s relational eating together (I hope Tim writes his blog soon onI get to…..). I decided that I don’t need a cake and candles to celebrate, (though I like a good moist cake with a great filling between the layers). I can celebrate with a good cup of coffee or even Kool-Aid (remember that stuff?)!

I watched a show on the travel channel about Ethiopia. They were the first to discover coffee beans. In the present culture they get together to make a cup of coffee and it could take 2-3 hours for the coffee to be ready after roasting it and crushing it by hand then steeping it. However, they said that no one is in a hurry…… it is about being together and have relationship with those in the room. Now that is living and celebrating life!!

Sometimes, (I’m preaching to myself here), we wait until the funeral to be together with our relatives and friends. At my mom’s funeral just a few months ago I saw some old friends that I wish I had kept in contact with them through out the years. We celebrated what we shared in the past and what the day meant to each of us by remembering my mom.

So I’ve said all of this to say to you, live life and celebrate the small things along with the “occasions”. Actually make the small things great occasions! Now I’m going make a cup of coffee in 10 minutes and celebrate the morning because the sky is as blue as the ocean and God is good. I’m smiling.

Remembering Robin Williams, remembering Joey Caparros………Remembering is so hard for the survivors of suicide. This week has been a hard week for any of us that have experienced the after math of this tragic awful thing in our lives. My heart has been broken for the William’s family. It is 3:19 AM on August 14, 2014 as I write this. Sleep escapes me as I am thinking of the day exactly 8 years ago today that my beloved, confused, heart-wrenched son completed suicide. I will never forget the phone call I received, the shock that I felt, the guilt that ensued, the anger that started building and the complete emptiness that followed. I was devastated. Our lives consisted of before Joey and after Joey. I watched my other two children hurt, wrestle, question and cry out in their own hearts…….Why????? That is the question that we all asked many times after. EVERYONE felt guilt along with the deep grief in losing of our Joey. Those two feelings tear a hole in the heart and the spirit like no other. A heart can only hold so much pain. We all suffered much after he left us.

My first few months after losing Joey were filled with torment that I must have been the worst mother in the entire world; I was definitely the worst therapist in the world and should quit. If only I had…… became my regret all that first year. Why didn’t I call Joey on August 13 and talk with him? Why didn’t I see this more clearly? Why did he do this? They were endless questions with really no answers. The complete first year after his death was a blur (and the next 2 weren’t much better). I couldn’t tell you what I did, except put one foot in front of the other, get up and dress every morning, and just move through life with a big pit in my stomach that felt a lot like fear. I later read a book by CS Lewis, A Grief Observed, where he described grief as having the same feeling inside as fear. That helped me to at least feel “normal”.

I learned that we all grieve in our own unique ways. I stayed away from anyone who urged me to get over it or move faster than I could. I set up a shrine in my house with Joey’s picture and a little statue of a guardian angel that I hoped had carried him to God that day that he suffered his last breath and last bit of pain. I worried if he was ok now. I worried…..I worried…..I worried just as any mother does about their child. I asked WHY a million times. I put puzzle pieces together to try to figure out why my son was in such immense pain that he would rather jump off the world than stay here with us and live life. I planted a little memorial gardn in my front yard. God send a huge Sunflower in the middle of it that next summer. Long story short…..we suffered.

Now 8 years down the road many things are still not clear, but God has been gracious and generous to us. I know Joey is with God. I have amazing stories of how God showed me that Joey was ok. My journey “after Joey” has been painful, but full of growth, Joy and celebration of life. I have two other children that bring me joy. I can say a thank you to them because they made me want to survive and to move through the pain. I am glad that I didn’t quit being a mom and a therapist. With the greatest suffering comes, some of the greatest joy and defiantly the greatest growth. I developed a relationship with God that is has depth and meaning as never before.

Surviving Suicide is the hardest single thing I have ever done in my life. It caused my children to grow up way too fast and discover a harsh reality that I wish I could have protected them from ever seeing. I know that those of you that also survived have this automatic bond with us if you are reading this. I am immediately drawn to moms who have lost children. It’s uncanny the feeling of empathy and love that comes over me when I meet them. This one thing I can say for certain about the Robin Williams family……They will suffer and they will miss him much. My heart is broken for them as they begin the slow, painful journey back to life. It will be a life that is changed forever. It will never be the same. They will survive, but they will need support. None of us will EVER get over it (for those of you that uncomfortable with pain).

I purposely have left out any statistics about suicide. This is just a personal thought about the experience of being the one left behind. You can look them up and probably have seen many of the statistics reading about Robin Williams. I am not ignoring the growing problem, in fact I have studied about it and know the “facts” but I wanted to just write my own feelings this morning.

It is now 4:30 AM. I can hear a cricket outside singing. It reminds me that I am alive and well after the storm. I have a fascination with birds since I lost Joey. They begin their songs about this time as the morning is beginning for them. I guess I imagine that Joey can fly now. He was always intrigued with speed. He loved roller coasters and racecars. I know that his pain has ended and He is in another dimension in heaven. I can now remember the good things and I can now be hopeful that I will see him again only this time he won’t be depressed. He will have that sparkle back in his eyes that he used to have on Christmas morning and the Fourth of July. I am anxiously awaiting that moment (His head stone on his grave says, “We will miss your sparkle”)…..but until then I have learned to live my life again. I have moved to a place of happiness and contentment again. God has sent me a wonderful man that doesn’t tell me to get over it, but he has helped to heal me just a bit more in that he will listen to my stories about Joey and smile with me. He explained to me that Joey got his sparkle from me. That was an epiphany to me that for some reason helped me beyond words. Grieving has its moments that are just unexplainable how you begin to come alive, one epiphany at a time.

I will now go back to bed and hope to sleep. One thing for sure I can say to any of you that are in the middle of this……There is life after suicide…..it’s out there just keep moving and breathing…You will see beauty again. Just sparkle again.

If you have a story or thoughts about this I welcome your response. It would be comforting to me to hear how you have chosen to get through the storm. God bless and comfort the Williams family and any other family that is suffering from this today.

I love the word “delight”. I love feeling delight. It’s the closest thing to worship we can get without actually “worshipping”. I can think of many things that delight me. As a mother, my kids delight me in so many ways. My daughter is passionate and even intense at times. That look delights me….it’s part of her beauty and mystery. My son has a way with people that he can sell you on his ideas and products that have you thinking later….. “wait a minute, what just happened that I bought the 60 inch TV”? That’s part of his humor and good nature as he grows into a man of influence. As a grandmother, I am delighted in my grandchildren. My grandson has a triple giggle that is unduplicated and makes you laugh just by his sounds. My oldest granddaughter has very few inhibitions from the way she dresses to how she dances….her favorite color is rainbow (imagine the combinations in dressing herself). The youngest has the pure delight of innocence and curiosity (though exasperating to the adult watching her as she is into everything, including the water in the toilet). As a woman blessed with a great man, I am delighted in him. His masculine prospective amuses me and intrigues me. I am delighted when he is around me. His humor is pure delight and can bring me to the kind of laughter that almost makes you cry. He can bring me delight just by a look. I feel great delight when the birds sing early in the morning, (I just knows they are singing a song of delight to God about another day of freedom and flight).

You’re getting the idea that delight can change our attitudes and even our lives. Being delighted doesn’t always mean you’re having fun, but it does mean you are alive. We seem to be losing the ability to be fully alive and delighted. To experience and identify delight you have to have the ability and habit of living in the present moment (the opposite is being disassociated and living in addictive cycles). I find that most people are worrying about what happened to them in the past; or fearing the future that is uncertain and uncontrollable; or fighting to not feel anything at all and even worse, living in constant anxiety about what others are thinking about them. Anxiety always will steal our joy and delight for life. I am in no way minimizing the extreme pain in those that live with anxiety. I work with many people that struggle on a daily bases with fear and anxiety. It is a fierce battle to overcome these paralyzing thoughts and feelings. These thoughts about delight are to give you a picture of what life was intended to be before the tragedies of life affected us.

As we grow up and become adults (which we all need to do…I guess), we have something happen that isn’t so good, we lose our sense of wonder. Young children get delight out of an ant crawling on the sidewalk or a worm digging its way down into the soil. When was the last time you stood and watched any of the wonders of a bird, a humming bird, a fish swimming in the creek, or any thing in nature? A couple of weeks ago Tim wrote about looking vs observing. People that live in the present and observe have a sense of wonder and are not afraid of mystery. I think we have to fight our own thoughts in order to develop this sense in our culture. We are inundated with computers, iPhones, TVs, keeping up with the Jone’s, and all the general chaos of life. Who even wants to be present, much less has time to be curious, have wonder and observe? Have you ever revisited yourself when you were a child? Can you remember that part of you that was excited, filled with curiosity and intrigued with things, people, nature and just life itself? Do human beings ever realize life while they live it? (from the play “our Town”)

Delight is contagious. I love how Beth Moore puts it, “spread the virus of delight”. Can you be around a person of wonder and observes the details of the moment and not catch it a bit? Can you be around a child that is full of life and laughter and not smile with delight (or at the least have a pang of realization of what your have lost)?

I think those people that are alive, passionate and present in the moment with life, feel delight with the sight of a butterfly flying by the window of their car, seeing a cloud formation that looks like a dragon or seeing a little child running through the sprinkler in their front yard. As a counselor I meet people in my office that have numbed themselves to the simple pleasures of life. Sometimes I give them homework (the dreaded word in therapy) of looking that week for the things that are beautiful. When you are intentional about looking for mystery, beauty, and the delightful parts of life, you begin to open yourself to a whole new world. It takes a conscientious effort to stay present, then to look for beauty for 30 days, to start to form habit strength. If you continue to keep this presence of mind it will take two years to complete the growth a new neuro-path. Change is not easy…..but so worth it to gain a new sense. There are 5 senses that are wired into us, sight, smell, taste, touch and sound……ALL are needed to develop the sense of wonder and delight.

Just talking about this makes me think of the “Zippity Do Da” song. A big part of the ‘delighted sense’ is the music that you listen to and the sounds in your life. I know there are many who will disagree with me, but listening to angry music tends to make us stuck in our sense of darkness about life on earth. I firmly believe that we were not really created for this world of pain and time constraints, but for a world like Eden when it was innocent and eternal. I am reminded of the tragedy of life by music, people’s stories and the reality of my own life. There is no doubt of the reality of life is hard and sometimes even a bit impossible. My heart longs to be set free of this at times. I love music that has an undertone of victory, hope, love, and wonder (music is one of the things that causes us to use both sides of our brain, which is why it moves us ).

I guess my thoughts in all that I’ve just said, is that Delight displaces disappointment in life, displaces anxiety and gives us hope. I challenge you to look for the beauty of life….To observe closely what is going on around you….to revisit the child that had that sense of wonder. Be delighted in the beauty of life. There is nothing like having a paradigm shift in life when you realize that the fruit of delight in life is actually worship and spiritual in nature.

SIGH…….now to go experience my first delight of the day…a great cup of Sumatra Coffee with Sweet Cream (big smile on my face).