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The story starts just before the invasion of Gallia. The Imperial Academy commissions a new batch of officers. Among them was a somewhat ambitious young lady: Louise Bathory.

Louise is proud of the Empire, although she has no illusions about the problems of corruption and incompetence in the army. In fact, after she returns home to wait for the letter detailing her first appointment, her father informs her that she was not top of her cohort because he refused to bribe. Louise was anxious to prove herself, and to reaffirm her belief that there are still good men in the Imperial army. So, the day came. While playing with her sister, Elizabeth, the letter came. She had been posted... to a backwater outpost, facing the Atlantic Federation. Meanwhile, Max sets his war plans into action. Gallia was now under attack.

Arriving at the outpost, Louise found the place to be in a mess. Previous commanders who came here only wanted to leave ASAP. The men were ill-disciplined and demoralised, the equipment was falling apart, and to top it all off, the commander of the Federation had treated the squad stationed here as his personal Chew Toy. After Louise had fully taken in the sad state of affairs, the Federation attacks to "put her in her place".

The only thing for Louise is that her 2IC (2nd in command) was a competent, tough young man, who is also a native of this border area. Indeed, the Imperial squad stationed here was mostly made up of natives. Louise was rather shocked when she found out that two of her female soldiers enlisted so that their families can pay the bills.

It was Louise's first battle, and the situation couldn't be worse. Her troops disregard her orders, and were outnumbered and outgunned by the Federation. Knowing full well that she had to gain the troops' trust, Louise puts herself right in the frontline. The jaded squad members, who were used to Dirty Coward commanders, were pleasantly surprised at this well-toned, but still rather slender woman, putting herself in danger, and encouraging them not to give up. The squad did not disappoint. They managed to put up a better fight than before, and the Federation withdrew, sat up and noticed this new commander.

Louise knew that the Federation would waste little time in getting serious. As luck would have it, a fellow trainee at the academy was posted to a nearby supply base. While asking for reinforcements, Louise did what she could to brush up her squad. Gradually, everyone warmed to her, even the cocky sniper who resolved to do things his own way when she first arrived.

The second attack came none too soon. This time, both sides were in for a serious battle. The ragtag Imperial troops were dangerously close to defeat, before the reinforcements arrived. After driving off the attack, Louise and her men resumed their training and re-equipment.

As with many things, improvements require time. But, Louise had seemingly done the impossible. In a matter of weeks, she had turned the situation completely around. The Imperial outpost was now the centre of a new battle front, and the Federation are sending their reinforcement to combat this new threat. Even the Imperial bureaucrats were amazed at the achievements of the "Bathory Rats". As victories came to Louise and her team, morale and pride of the members soared. Louise thought that she had accomplished what she had set out to do. However, it would seem that the war had something else planned for her...

Selvaria was looking for something to break the Gallian army. It wasn't the main army which caused the prince headaches, but Squad 7. She needed a team which could rival this seemingly ragtag, but deadly efficient unit. She then looked into Louise's folder. What she saw pleases her. Wasting little time, she summoned Louise.

Louise was reluctant to leave her men. After all, it was her first squad, and she had built them up from humble beginnings. Her men too trusted her and loathe to return to the old days of indifferent commanders. Louise made a demand: For her to fight Gallia, her whole squad would have to come along. After studying the situation, Selvaria agreed. Finding replacements for the Bathory rats was not an easy task, though, as their base was now a full battlefront, and its collapse would have consequences for the Empire, a marked difference from before.

Regardless, the rats made their way to the Gallian front. Max was unimpressed, and made it clear that he's still relying on his own plans for the war. Louise knew that to change the prince's mind, her team would have to face Squad 7, and win.

The story starts just before the invasion of Gallia. The Imperial Academy commissions a new batch of officers. Among them was a somewhat ambitious young lady: Louise Bathory.

Louise is proud of the Empire, although she has no illusions about the problems of corruption and incompetence in the army. In fact, after she returns home to wait for the letter detailing her first appointment, her father informs her that she was not top of her cohort because he refused to bribe. Louise was anxious to prove herself, and to reaffirm her belief that there are still good men in the Imperial army. So, the day came. While playing with her sister, Elizabeth, the letter came. She had been posted... to a backwater outpost, facing the Atlantic Federation. Meanwhile, Max sets his war plans into action. Gallia was now under attack.

Arriving at the outpost, Louise found the place to be in a mess. Previous commanders who came here only wanted to leave ASAP. The men were ill-disciplined and demoralised, the equipment was falling apart, and to top it all off, the commander of the Federation had treated the squad stationed here as his personal Chew Toy. After Louise had fully taken in the sad state of affairs, the Federation attacks to "put her in her place".

The only thing for Louise is that her 2IC (2nd in command) was a competent, tough young man, who is also a native of this border area. Indeed, the Imperial squad stationed here was mostly made up of natives. Louise was rather shocked when she found out that two of her female soldiers enlisted so that their families can pay the bills.

It was Louise's first battle, and the situation couldn't be worse. Her troops disregard her orders, and were outnumbered and outgunned by the Federation. Knowing full well that she had to gain the troops' trust, Louise puts herself right in the frontline. The jaded squad members, who were used to Dirty Coward commanders, were pleasantly surprised at this well-toned, but still rather slender woman, putting herself in danger, and encouraging them not to give up. The squad did not disappoint. They managed to put up a better fight than before, and the Federation withdrew, sat up and noticed this new commander.

Louise knew that the Federation would waste little time in getting serious. As luck would have it, a fellow trainee at the academy was posted to a nearby supply base. While asking for reinforcements, Louise did what she could to brush up her squad. Gradually, everyone warmed to her, even the cocky sniper who resolved to do things his own way when she first arrived.

The second attack came none too soon. This time, both sides were in for a serious battle. The ragtag Imperial troops were dangerously close to defeat, before the reinforcements arrived. After driving off the attack, Louise and her men resumed their training and re-equipment.

As with many things, improvements require time. But, Louise had seemingly done the impossible. In a matter of weeks, she had turned the situation completely around. The Imperial outpost was now the centre of a new battle front, and the Federation are sending their reinforcement to combat this new threat. Even the Imperial bureaucrats were amazed at the achievements of the "Bathory Rats". As victories came to Louise and her team, morale and pride of the members soared. Louise thought that she had accomplished what she had set out to do. However, it would seem that the war had something else planned for her...

Selvaria was looking for something to break the Gallian army. It wasn't the main army which caused the prince headaches, but Squad 7. She needed a team which could rival this seemingly ragtag, but deadly efficient unit. She then looked into Louise's folder. What she saw pleases her. Wasting little time, she summoned Louise.

Louise was reluctant to leave her men. After all, it was her first squad, and she had built them up from humble beginnings. Her men too trusted her and loathe to return to the old days of indifferent commanders. Louise made a demand: For her to fight Gallia, her whole squad would have to come along. After studying the situation, Selvaria agreed. Finding replacements for the Bathory rats was not an easy task, though, as their base was now a full battlefront, and its collapse would have consequences for the Empire, a marked difference from before.

Regardless, the rats made their way to the Gallian front. Max was unimpressed, and made it clear that he's still relying on his own plans for the war. Louise knew that to change the prince's mind, her team would have to face Squad 7, and win.

So, among the Bathroy rats are not one, but two Darcsens, Marie and Philip. With the usual Imperial headgear, people couldn't tell, and the two tried to keep apart to reduce suspicion. But, Louise's personal mantra was to be able to see the faces of the people she commanded. The initial reveal did stir up some trouble, especially among the "smart asses", led by Mark. But, in the first battle, Marie helped covered Mark, and he, like others, began to question this long-held prejudice.

The "smartass" trio are Mark, Luther, and Edward. They always gave their commanders, and the resident 2IC (Marcus) headaches. Though unpolished, they are there in terms of talent.

Spoiler for The tale continues...:

In their first encounter, Squad 7 realised that this enemy was unlike the other Imperial forces. They fought without masks (Louise, however, did allow Philip and Marie to wear hats to conceal their identity), and various Squad 7 members fought tooth-and-nail against their "Rat" counterparts. The first battle went to the Rats, who acknowledged that the squad may be tough, but they are still human.

As Squad 7 is forced to retreat with every battle, some memebers were captured by the Rats. Max and even Selvaria demanded that they be handed over for trial, but Louise refused. She's determined to win this battle for Squad 7's allegiance. A squad that can routinely injure her Rats is a potiential asset to the Empire.

Faldio knew that there is a Valkyria in the Imperial ranks, and one right in the midst of Squad 7. However, Selvaria had only showed her powers in battles which had excluded Squad 7. Faldio made up his mind.

Meanwhile, Max was impressed by the Rats, but still distrusting the maverick at the helm, he decided to recall Selvaria, and put her with the Rats. This turned out to be a major lifesaver for the Rats. With Faldio's snipe, the Gallian Valkyria was awakened, which unnerved the Rats. Louise recovered enough to request Selvaria's help in containing the new battlefield threat, while the Rats engage the rest of the squad.

The clash of the Valkyrias was a sight to behold. Even with her skills, Selvaria could barely keep her opponent in check. Fortunately, Welkin's nerve broke first, and Squad 7 withdrew. For the first time in their encounters, the Rats failed to capture anyone from the squad. But, Louise was convinced that their battles with Squad 7 are coming to an end. This time, everything would be put on the line. She was right, as the Rats had the squad cornered.

Squad 7's final stand was a battle which literally shook the very ground where the troops stood. Both Welkin and Louise deployed their Valkyrias from the beginning. As they clashed, the rest of the field went at each other. In the bloodbath to come, Mark and Marie were gravely wounded. As the medical teams raced the clock to save them after their evacuations, the battle rages on. Both Isara and Rosie were sent to the medics, fighting for their lives, while Welkins watched on with dread and despair. The Valkyrias, having mashed up their equipment in their standoff, were now fighting each other unarmed. Selvaria held on, if only barely, for she could tell that the enemy was about to fall. Alicia was desperate for anything which would raise the morale of her squad. But, the die had been cast. Beaten in almost every way possible, Welkin decided to surrender.

As Selvaria was forced to her knees, Alicia soon realised the presence of seemingly countless rifles pointing at her. Louise demanded that she surrender, if only to save her squad. The battle was over.

Louise should have to work harder than a single battle before her whole squad would accept her. Maybe a few after the first battle, more after the second (when the Feds became more serious) and have her win over the cocky sniper in an unorthodox way (my idea: she wins him over after about three battles, but doesn't find out until a key moment in the fight against Squad 7)

"Mark" and "Marcus" are really close in name; consider changing one of them.

Why did Louise have the Darcsen members of her squad fight in hats? For fear of persecution from other squads? For fear of persecution from within? From Squad 7?

The Rats win every battle? That's... weird. Welkin is known for taking unorthodox tactics and making them work. While he would not outmaneuver Louise every time and work her into a corner, the reverse is also true. If the Rats are a 'Match' and 'foil' to Squad 7, neither would be able to keep the upper hand for long, if at all.

Taking from this, you could have Welkin win a major engagement and on the follow up that might break the back of the Rats, Selvaria is with them because Max saw the potential but thought with his own leader present, the Rats would be able to finish off the upstart Gallian Squad. Then, the events that reveal the Biggest Spoiler In This Forum (TM) would largely remain the same as they were in the game, other than perhaps the result of the battle between the Valkyria.

Welkin acts Out Of Character any time you have him deploy the Valkyria on purpose. In order to get her into her Valkyria form, you likely need to injure her again OR have her go against her orders. Welkin would not deploy her by choice. This is a huge plot point in the game.

When disarmed, a Valkyria loses her blue flame and special abilities, with the highly notable exception of her Final Flame. Note that when the other Valkyria manages to disarm Selvaria in their battle at Naggiar, Selvaria lost her blue flame immediately; even before she closed her eyes.

What was the point behind having members of Squad 7 be captured?

Do remember that the main army was not useless; Squad 7 was not the one and only reason that Gallia was able to hold back the assault of the Empire. And here's the biggest rub: Squad 7 didn't really get famous with the enemy until The Reveal. Or possibly Gregor's death.

Being picky is good. In fact, I hope this fic would be as much yours as it is mine.

Spoiler for reply:

2) Yeah, well, I do intend to have more battles before the Imperial squad is truly won over. But, she starts from somewhere at least. From grudging acceptance to being won over, not to mention that since playtime's over, they had better buck up.

3) The Darscens wear hats to get people off their backs basically. I do intend to have a few chapter where the initial reveal turns up the tension within the squad, to the point where there is serious threat of them breaking apart. However, Louise herself never believed in discrimination. I take this aspect of her from Olivia Armstrong in FMA. So long as a team member is useful, (s)he can be of any race.

4) Well, that is more of writting from a game's perspective. For a fic, we can (and should) have back and forth captures, making it easier for both squads to empathize with each other. Ultimately, Louise's aim is to have Squad 7 serve under the Imperial Army, or at the least surrender without ill feelings. A battle for hearts and minds, if you will.

5) As for targeting Squad 7, maybe I can change that to the Imperial squad facing off against them by chance. In the first battle, both squads made off with members from the opposing team. From then on, they're onto each other's backs. This again can tie into the suggestion that the Rats get seriously messed up by Welkins and Selvaria is attached to help salvage the situation.

6) Thanks for the Welkin-Valkyria point. Well, since he did refuse to use Alicia even with Max at the end of the game... Yes, Alicia would have to disobey some orders. And damn, I was hoping that the Valkyria have noticeable powers even without their gear. I actually have in mind a MGS 4 style punch up for the girls. Wait, isn't Final Flame what Selv used when she died? Now, if both ladies used it at the same time...

Being picky is good. In fact, I hope this fic would be as much yours as it is mine.

Spoiler for reply:

2) Yeah, well, I do intend to have more battles before the Imperial squad is truly won over. But, she starts from somewhere at least. From grudging acceptance to being won over, not to mention that since playtime's over, they had better buck up.

3) The Darscens wear hats to get people off their backs basically. I do intend to have a few chapter where the initial reveal turns up the tension within the squad, to the point where there is serious threat of them breaking apart. However, Louise herself never believed in discrimination. I take this aspect of her from Olivia Armstrong in FMA. So long as a team member is useful, (s)he can be of any race.

4) Well, that is more of writting from a game's perspective. For a fic, we can (and should) have back and forth captures, making it easier for both squads to empathize with each other. Ultimately, Louise's aim is to have Squad 7 serve under the Imperial Army, or at the least surrender without ill feelings. A battle for hearts and minds, if you will.

5) As for targeting Squad 7, maybe I can change that to the Imperial squad facing off against them by chance. In the first battle, both squads made off with members from the opposing team. From then on, they're onto each other's backs. This again can tie into the suggestion that the Rats get seriously messed up by Welkins and Selvaria is attached to help salvage the situation.

6) Thanks for the Welkin-Valkyria point. Well, since he did refuse to use Alicia even with Max at the end of the game... Yes, Alicia would have to disobey some orders. And damn, I was hoping that the Valkyria have noticeable powers even without their gear. I actually have in mind a MGS 4 style punch up for the girls. Wait, isn' t Final Flame what Selv used when she died? Now, if both ladies used it at the same time...

7) Name change: Marciel, perhaps?

Spoiler for reply reply:

2) Anything gradual works. Start with the easygoing and work up to the hardasses. It's similar with Squad 7 and Largo and Rosie; taking one side of the bridge didn't even budge them. The other side gave them grudging acceptance and the further battles solidified true loyalty. This kind of thing takes time.

3) I get Louise's POV (I find it necessary for the story too), but need clarification: so she allows them to wear hats just to make everyone feel a little better? If she doesn't care, that's the only reason I can think of that she'd have them wear the hats.

4) You can have missions in a game where you get some objective but are then forced to retreat. It's just a question of having the major issues in the battle offscreen (think the Batomys and Selvaria's Reveal), or imposing a time limit of survival as one of the objectives (think Edy's Detachment DLC, the first part) It's also possible to write a fic where we're essentially novelizing the game in question (I've done it before). Fanfiction is a relatively unlimited medium.

We could also have any battle that Welkin wins told (and played) from his perspective. Just for kicks.

5) I like the idea of the two Squads realizing themselves who their foil is, rather than it being forced upon them by Max or Selvaria forcing the issue.

6) And have both of them stopped? Jeez, remember how big one Final Flame was? We know how to stop Squad 7's from going off... but short of Max growing up and not being a dick anymore to Selvaria, how would we stop her once she initiates the countdown? Might be a great scene if we can figger that out.

7)

Quote:

Originally Posted by MrTerrorist

Marciel as in Marciel the monkey? Bad name choice.

It's also still too close to Mark/Marcus. Change the first syllable somehow; make the name radically different.

2) The hats are more of the Darcens' own requests. Personally, Louise doesn't mind either way, but since they are more comfortable with the hats on, she shrugs her shoulders and just let it go.

3) As for Selvaria, I do hope to make across the point that she found meaning to her existence besides Max. Her time with the Rats made her realise that there are people who cared for her as a person (and I do intend for Louise to say it right in her face.). Surely, Selv isn't THAT unfeeling of a person?

4) That's it then: we go for the coincidence-turned-hot-on-heels path.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Yu Ominae

Alice and Selvaria doing the MGS 4 finale? I'm game.

Believe me: The moment I start to imagine the fight, "cat fight" isn't what I have in mind. No, make that "earth shattering kaboom".

Spoiler for Further on in the plot...:

After Alicia's tearful surrender (thanks to Welkin), it was time for everyone to rest and heal from their injuries. However, it was clear to Welkins that Gallia's fall was only a matter of time. However, how it came about was a shock to both the Rats and Squad 7: von Borg had surrendered, and been promised that he would retain his position. However, Cordelia would be deposed as Princess. Even worse, was that Gregor would be allowed to deport all Darscens in Gallia to his mine. By now, the Rats and Squad 7, through their fraternization during the various captures, seem to have developed trust between them. When Max declared a day for von Borg to be officially sworn in, Louise decided to do the unthinkable: On Welkin's request, she would have a coup at the ceremony, and "request" that Cordelia be left in charge instead of von Borg, and the Gallian Darscens be spared deportation.

Along with her fights with Squad 7, Louise had been doing her own snooping, thanks to help from her fellow cadets during her time at the academy. They did get some info from Intelligence, but between her own contacts and Welkins', they managed to piece together von Borg's treachery. Louise's own contacts digged up some secrets about the prince, secrets which he no doubt wished to remain unknown. His attempts to hog all the credit for subduing Gallia only added to Louise's ire.

2) The hats are more of the Darcens' own requests. Personally, Louise doesn't mind either way, but since they are more comfortable with the hats on, she shrugs her shoulders and just let it go.

3) As for Selvaria, I do hope to make across the point that she found meaning to her existence besides Max. Her time with the Rats made her realise that there are people who cared for her as a person (and I do intend for Louise to say it right in her face.). Surely, Selv isn't THAT unfeeling of a person?

4) That's it then: we go for the coincidence-turned-hot-on-heels path.

Believe me: The moment I start to imagine the fight, "cat fight" isn't what I have in mind. No, make that "earth shattering kaboom".

Spoiler for Further on in the plot...:

After Alicia's teraful surrender (thanks to Welkin), it was time for everyone to rest and heal from their injuries. However, it was clear to Welkins that Gallia's fall was only a matter of time. However, how it came about was a shock to both the Rats and Squad 7: von Borg had surrendered, and been promised that he would retain his position. However, Cordelia would be deposed as Princess. Even worse, was that Gregor would be allowed to deport all Darscens in Gallia to his mine. By now, the Rats and Squad 7, through their fraternization during the various captures, seem to have developed trust between them. When Max declared a day for von Borg to be officially sworn in, Louise decided to do the unthinkable: On Welkin's request, she would have a coup at the ceremony, and "request" that Cordelia be left in charge instead of von Borg, and the Gallian Darscens be spared deportation.

Spoiler for YOU BROKE THE REPLY CHAIN:

Luthor is a fun name.

Now the hats make sense. She's not having the Darcsens wear them, she just lets them do it.

The Power of Friendship! Let's try to dodge the temptation of SelvariaLouise as shoujo-ai. I'm always appalled at the lack of sincere great friendship without romantic entanglement in fanfic.

A rematch Valkyria fight when neither combatant is in a haze? Damn straight.

Moving on to the continued synopsis:

So we aren't killing Gregor before then?

A great moment for Max's character was killing [having him killed, really] Borg for betraying his own country. Why are we dropping this? Is it because we're making Max into more of a bastard? I don't think we need to. To me, he crossed this Moral Event Horizon when he had Selvaria use the Final Flame. If we don't kill Gregor, there's nothing stopping Max from allowing Gregor to be just as racist as Borg would have him be. I can see why you want Borg to be named Chancellor as he was promised/wants, as it creates a few easy excuses to have the Rats and Squad 7 work together, but I find it... dissatisfying. Borg's hoist upon his own petard was poetic and I loved it. Especially as such a disgusting guy as Max did it to him and looked down on him for it.

Such a ceremony (for Max or for Borg) would give the opportunity for a simultaneous mission, with the Rats disrupting the ceremony and Squad 7 rescuing the Princess.

Would the Rats betray the Empire for the Darcsens? Would they be betraying the Empire... or would they be serving the Empire by betraying their mad dog of a Prince? That's the angle they should probably get to if they're to fight in any way for Gallia. This builds on another thing: I want to villify the Federation a little more, to give the Empire more of a reason to be peaceful (ally?!) with Gallia at the end with...

It seems like the best release for Selvaria would be the death of dear old Max. The best release if at her hand for being a stupid pompous ass, but I'm not sure we could get her all the way to that point. Let's not have him die the way he did in the game; I never saw a good reason for what Faldio did.

Would this be the end? Middle? Where are we in the plot at this point?

1) Oops. Looks like the coup just got aborted. Still, Gregor is the guy we're after. Unless we start creating our stuff for the Federation which would boil some people's bloods.

2) I intend to have Louise state clearly that it's because of their loyalty to the Empire that they should oppose the deportation. She reminds them that their loyalty is to the Empire, not to the prince, and they should act in the interests of the Empire. Through their experiences, they know that discrimination is not only baseless, but a waste of talent for the Empire. Indeed, some squad members would voice the fact that their families would be under threat if there is a revolt. Louise acknowledges that, and asks that the Rats may choose to stay away from the mission if they chose to. No one would blame them if they do. Some would back out now.

3) Having the Rats and Squad 7 together should count as the middle. There's still Louise's helping of Selvaria with Max, not to mention the squads' combined battles with the Federation.