Mommies Dearest

Forget sibling rivalry—how do you deal with a narcissistic mother?

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The term narcissist is widely misused to mean something like "self-involved egomaniac," but people with the psychological disorder actually lack a true sense of self. What looks like self-assertion is actually a search: To the narcissist, everyone else is a mirror in which she seeks her own reflection. ("How'm I doin'?") Grandiosity, entitlement, and lack of empathy—characteristics of a performer, not a listener—are among the criteria listed for narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) in the psychological diagnostic manual known as the DSM.

According to Denver-based therapist Karyl McBride, author of Will I Ever Be Good Enough?Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers, an NPD mother treats her children—daughters, especially—as extensions of herself, trampling recklessly over their psychic boundaries. She casts her daughter as an understudy or co-diva or successor and then judges her performance as harshly as the mother imagines she herself is judged. She projects onto her daughter her own issues with beauty, seductiveness, and appearance, as well as with success in relationships and careers. Daughters are thus dragged into competitions, jealousies, and spotlights they never sought out. Narcissistic mothers and their daughters are "frenemies" without borders.