Hoping for a rainbow after the storm…

All over the Place

by RainbowCatcher on September 7, 2012

I feel like my posts are all over the place lately. I guess that’s fitting because I’ve been pretty all over the place lately. I’ve got so many emotions running around inside me right now, I’m really surprised I can create something that even resembles a coherent thought. It amazes me how comforting it can be to just sit down and throw up all of my feelings on this blog. I keep going from being so devastated I wonder how I can even function, to being sunshine and rainbows and sure that everything is going to be fine, to being really pissed off and not really so pleasant to be around. You get the picture: yet another mc + raging hormones = Danielle is a mess. I will admit that I’m doing a whole lot better than I thought I would, and I contribute that to the support I have.

I’ve already told you all about how wonderfully supportive my hubby is, but I really can’t emphasize that enough. He always seems to give me exactly what I need when I need it without me having to ask for it. I usually contribute this to the fact that we were long distance for almost the entire five years we dated, so we are really good at the communication thing because our only contact for the majority of those fives years was talking on the phone. I know that fertility issues and loss can really take its toll on relationships, and I am soooo thankful that this is only bringing hubby and I closer.

Another blessing? My sister, S. S and I didn’t always get along. We basically hated each other for most of our childhood, but over the past few years, we have grown super close. After I found out I was pregnant and I was pretty much freaking out, hubby suggested that I call my sister, and I’m glad I did. Since hubby and I got married, S has been asking me when she gets to be an Auntie. And not in an obnoxious, I’m putting-so-much-pressure-on-you sort of way. So she has been very supportive and loving, and the only thing that I regret about calling her for support is that I know her heart breaks with ours.

I also had no idea how much the supportive posts (and an email from a special blogger) would impact me. It has encouraged me more than I can say. Thank you all for being so loving and kind towards me. It means the world.

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So keeping in my apparent theme of being all over the place, let me tell you about my appointment yesterday:

It was fairly short and uneventful (in a good way), and the midwife we talked to, Laura, was very sweet and a great listener. She had them draw blood to check my hCG and my antibodies because I’m A-. She originally wanted to give me rhoGAM, but I told her that hubby is also A- and there is no possible way that the baby has a different father. After I told her that, she agreed that I wouldn’t need it but said that she would like to check my antibodies just to legally protect the birth center. I’m ok with that. She was also going to run more tests to check my thyroid, my clotting, and other stuff, but I had all of those tests run in June and they all came back normal, so we didn’t run any of them again. She also told me that she is willing to refer me to either an RE or a high risk OB, but we have plenty of time to decide because she said that we should wait six months before we start TTC again.

Six months. Six months is a long time. In six months, we will pass two of my due dates and the year and a half mark of TTC. If we wait six months, the very earliest we could have a baby is December of next year. This means there is a very good chance that I won’t have a baby until 2014. There’s also a good chance I won’t have a baby before the year anniversary of two of my due dates. I probably won’t have a baby until I’m 26, which is a little daunting considering I’m 24 right now. In my heart, I know that we need to wait–that it will be good for me both physically and emotionally, and I was already planning on waiting at least three months, but damn that is a long time.

What is the longest break you have taken from TTC? Have you seen an RE or a high risk OB? Who was the biggest source of support on your journey?

6 responses to “All over the Place”

I had to wait from August of last year until March of this year to start trying. On my first visit to my RE he found a baseball sized fibroid in my uterus which led to 3 months of menopause symptoms (from the drugs), surgery where he also found endo, and finally getting to try again in March.

I had to wait 3 months between #2 and #3, and 4 months between #3 and #4 because we had to wait for test results to come in and my thyroid to adjust. Everytime, after a month and a half, I get the “itch” to try again. I totally understand the constant calculating… With time, I learned to try and let go. Like P tells me all the time, it’s not a race. I’m still not very good at it, but I’m trying! Did your midwife tell you why she wanted you to wait 6 months?

She’s really having me wait so long because she waits to give me time to heal emotionally. I’m not sure if we’ll actually wait that long. I don’t know. Like I said, I’m a little all over the place right now. We’ll see how long it takes me to be ready to TTC again. We will definitely wait three or four months, but we will TTC when we feel like we are emotionally ready. But if I’m not ready for six months, I have a medical excuse ;)

Hi! I’m a new follower. I’m surprised at the similarities in our story! I’m 24, Got pregnant with my BFF right away (she carried to term and now has a 15 month old!), I miscarried, I miscarried again a year later. Now I’m pregnant for the third time, and waiting to see if my levels have doubled on Monday. I’m terrified of a third loss.

I just wanted to answer your question about RE vs OB – DEFINITELY recommend seeing an RE! As soon as you can!! Even if you aren’t going to TTC soon. It often takes a while to get it and they’ll want to run a bunch of tests. Seeing an RE was the best decision I ever made, and even though I ended up pregnant on my “break” cycle after 3 failed rounds of drugs, the RE will monitor me through week 12 of pregnancy and that is huge for me.

Best of luck to you on your journey! I’m following you now and cheering you on. No one should have to experience this, but it is comforting to know you’re not alone.

Hmmm…maybe that’s the problem with Hubster and I…we should have started off as long distance! lol! On a serious note, I would recommend a RE referral when you are ready to start trying again. They know so much more than OBs. And this break will be good for you. Remember that at 24 you are still so young. Take this time to enjoy life as a couple and for yourself. You’ve been through so much heartache at such a young age that once you can start moving past this loss I hope you live it up. Then I can live through you as I suffer through Clomid!! ;-) Hugs sweetie!