Letting go of the alcohol habit that no longer serves you.

Monthly Archives: February 2018

As I write this today is day 178 on my 365 … now renamed my “One Year Lose ‘da Booze Experiment”. Following the last post and all the #sobertools I reached for and successfully didn’t cave into drinks… along came day 175.

Much of the thoughts and feelings were still there and I found myself having the entire day and overnight ALONE and I ended up giving myself permission to drink. This time I did not reach out. I quietly and calmly opened my bottle of vodka and poured my first drink. The taste was a bit bitter (not great tasting) and after just a couple of drinks felt the slight buzz. Nothing WOW or anything – just different. Different from the buzz I used to seek so often during my daily drinking as I used this outlet to cope with many of the life stressors.

When I knew I’d be alone overnight – it was like YES – FINALLY some alone time and just an opportunity to unplug and take off all these restrictions in my head that of late have been leading to me becoming more of a binge emotional eater. The day before when I didn’t cave – I binged on junk food and woke up with the same YUCK feelings as one would with a booze hangover. The guilt, the shame from ‘failing’ on the set intentions I had professed I’d follow through on.

By allowing myself this break and allowing myself drinks – it took some pressure off. It reminded me that I’m human and indeed getting better on this journey. I’ve often shared that my goal is not to be AF for good, but I simply decided to go longer than the 100 days to further shift my mindset away from that ‘go to’ daily habit of drinking. And I can attest it’s working. My longest streak is now 174 days versus 100 days!

I postponed sharing about this (and have not yet told my family or friends in the general public) because I wanted to make sure I was back on track with my goals to shift my lifestyle to healthier living (so not falling back to the trap of the daily drinking). I won’t lie in that on Sunday – I woke up feeling ‘off’ – tired and had thoughts about having drinks to make me feel better but did not go there.

While having drinks – I honestly enjoyed the release … I binged watched TV, ordered some pizza and stayed off the computer … I just needed a FULL out break! I know that I could have had a break without the booze, but it was there this time as I had actually gone out to buy some. But I didn’t over do it. The coolers and wine were untouched. I stuck with my vodka and had one beer.

The day after – I debated about posting/sharing but really wanted to get my grounding again to really evaluate how this experience affected me. Well for one thing – it took away the craving/thoughts of wanting a drink . I had it – it wasn’t that amazing as we sometimes romanticize it to be and I’m back on track with my eating too!

You see I’ve always been kind of a rebel in my head – when someone tells me I can’t have something or do something – it’s like I want it more. It’s been that way for me in all areas of my life – even the ‘bad boys’ I liked to date when I would always be warned not to.

For me the group and the challenge about Losing ‘da Booze is creating a better life – however that may look. For me – Better IS Better and I definitely am nowhere near where I used to be with ‘da booze in my life! I view it very differently – especially when I’m sober and observe others over doing it. It’s not appealing or attractive to me in any way.

For me it’s about finding more JOY in my life and it’s not something you’ll find in a bottle of booze – but more so in personal development and self-discovery and GROWTH!! It’s about moving outside of the routines and comfort zones – getting OFF YOUR ASS and taking action!! I posted a video and then watched an inspirational video and it really resonated with how I’m feeling and simply going to talk less about the things I do and just DO them!

We need to stop living inside our heads so much and start living REAL life! Get out there and breathe the air, smell the smells, feel the feels, enjoy the views, laugh more, play more – just LIVE more!!

You can’t do that if you drink daily! To be present and mindful was one of my goals on my 2018 vision board and I feel this little blip on day 174 just reinforced my personal mission in life!! I had been half dogging my workouts and program and now even more committed to make results happen!

There are many lessons to learn in life – and they shouldn’t just revolve around whether or not you drink – there is so much more out there to think about! Remember – what you focus on or think about is what you bring about so start shifting your focus off ‘da booze to your dreams and go BIG!! Let go of fear and take a step forward to make the most of every single moment…

PS – as I write this – my boss just emailed me to say he wouldn’t be in today and not sure what the rest of his week would look like as his wife’s youngest brother who just turned 50 died in a skiing accident last night and they are devastated … it just reminds you of how precious life is and how we cannot take for granted the moments we have. So BE present and appreciate life by living it FULLY!

Five days since my last post and another VERY close call. This time I even went into the liquor store and picked up my favorite drinks (a bottle of vodka, a bottle of wine and some coolers)… (PS – the picture above is me having an AF sparkling apple/peach ZERO alcohol drink in my fancy wine glass)

But before I went out to get this here’s what I did… First – I posted a real video about the struggle and internal dialogue I was having and how I was feeling frustrated… I was frustrated because the weekend I was supposed to have alone while my fiance went ice fishing didn’t happen because of the weather. I was feeling frustrated playing taxi to my daughter and having to basically have my schedule twarthed at the mercy of her activities. I felt resentful. I wanted a break – something to do for ME!! I also felt like the pink cloud effect of losing ‘da booze was gone and frustrated with my daily excessive eating of junk foods and felt that perhaps if I could shake things up – I could shock myself back on track or something. I reached out to a girlfriend and called her to say how I was feeling. I posted the video in my Facebook group (Lose ‘da Booze 100 Day Challenge) and I also even called my fiance to tell him how I was feeling. So as I stalled the caving in (because I did have booze in the house I could have had a quick drink with) – I went through this process.

The next thing that happened was all the thoughts in my head… how I’d have to reset my counter on my app and how just last week my article was featured stating publicly my one year commitment to no alcohol… and how bad it would feel to have to go back on my word. You see – when you put yourself out there publicly – it’s not easy but it’s the best accountability you can do for yourself! Not only do I NOT want to disappoint myself – but I don’t want to let others down as I lead the team on SparkPeople (Cutting Down the Booze) and in my group on Facebook.

I drove into town… stopped at Walmart first and picked up junk food eats (because I always tell people early in the game it’s ok to give in to eats and treats to help you stick to you AF goal as a first priority). Then stopped at the liquor store… and here’s what I came home with.

The booze got put away and I opened the bag of chips and started cleaning the kitchen. Then I got called away to play taxi again (another reason I have to stay sober). I ended the night SOBER… but did cave into the treats you see here.

Waking up this morning I feel good about not caving in (even though my mind tried to convince me I did great and beat my 100 day goal with 174 days and allowing myself one or two days ‘off’ then getting back to it would be ok… I’m glad my friends commented with support saying otherwise as I would have been mad at myself and feel even more regret if I’d have to start back at Day 1 today without successfully completing my ONE year goal of no booze!

I am however feeling like I have a FOOD hangover from all the junk eats I did cave into and now need to step up my challenge to deal with this emotional eating which is basically just another coping mechanism. I’ve started to arm myself to do this as I did when I committed to going AF – I joined a few groups and will now post a challenge to the NO S diet … No snacks, no sweets and no seconds!! I’m going to work on planning my meals for the week with just 3 meals a day – no snacking in between (as that is what gets me because once I start I can’t seem to stop).

So it’s not Day 1 for being AF again – but today is my DAY ONE of No S’s!! Next Saturday is my 6 month milestone of being AF and time to kick the junk food habit!!

Yesterday was the toughest day I’ve had with respect to urges to cave into drinks. It’s been a hellish week for me. My energy has been off. I have felt out of sorts most of the week with lingering headaches and even feeling dizzy. My blood pressure was up a bit – so stress and weight are definitely a factor. But yesterday was the worse in that I really felt like saying FUCK IT – and have drinks with my company… but I didn’t do it… and very happy about that otherwise I’d have the guilt and remorse to deal with above everything else I’ve been feeling.

I don’t blog daily here but do come to log in and journal when I really feel the need to record a bit of what’s going on. February is a tough month – always has been for me for various reasons (many past memories in this month that bring up feelings, the winter blahs and blues and now MENOPAUSE crap too). There’s also the ongoing struggles as we deal with my daughter’s eating disorder and it is just taking it’s toll on me. I can’t imagine how it must be making her feel as she is the one living with it!!

Thankfully today’s a day off and I finally have my morning to myself (the mornings are my quiet time and I haven’t even had that lately as my daughter was waking up and chatting with me – which is great as she wants to chat but I selfishly miss my peace and quiet time – where’s it’s just about ME).

We don’t have set plans for today – other than the usual, cleaning, laundry and meal prep. I’d say I’d go out to do something but the weather is crap with rain in the forecast so not a good day for outdoor activities. I will get my workouts in (stretching and some cardio) and hope to read/listen to more of my books. Maybe I’ll try to get some de-cluttering done to feel some sense of accomplishment with some house projects since it’s so crappy outside.

I’m also really frustrated with my own issues with food … and struggling with letting go of sugar now. I know it’s not good for my health and a vicious cycle as was the booze so I have to work just as hard on this now as I did with losing ‘da booze! I have been talking about it and not following through – kind of like when I first tried to cut out alcohol back in 2013 and professed I’d do this 100 day challenge that I only just managed to do in 2016. I do hope it won’t take me as long to get this eating stuff under control – but it’s definitely the biggest challenge I face now (especially with my daughter’s eating disorder in the forefront).

So today’s the new day – Monday … a new week and I’m 12 days away from 6 months of sobriety! It’s time to shift away the focus about losing ‘da booze to now losing this sugar addiction that has taken a hold of me.

I’ll be blogging more about this in my SparkPeople blog as it relates more to the health aspect that this website deals with. But I’ll be checking in here periodically to relay how I’m feeling as the months continue leading towards my one year goal of Losing ‘da Booze!

At the beginning of the AF Journey – I always tell people to not worry too much about anything except the MAIN goal and that is to be without booze! Now that I’m over 5 months into this journey – I’ve learned that this shift is only good for so long. When we seek to break a bad habit – we need to replace it with a GOOD one. I am doing well with this relative to working out consistently but not so well when it came to the emotional eating.

So this week I’ve armed myself with more tools to deal with this. I’ve downloaded a couple of Audible books on emotional eating and sugar cravings and I’ll also get a book when my next credit comes up “Brain over Binge”. I watched a YouTube video and he recommended this book and Tony Robbins program “The Body You Deserve”

I have committed to one year of sobriety but determined to stay the course as long as it takes to reach my goals. It’s only about 5 months in that I’m now able to address the eating issue as the booze cravings have mostly diminished (although I still have faint thoughts or moments of wanting – they pass pretty quickly when I see how others are early in the game and struggling so much to stay sober).

This experiment I’m putting myself through has been enlightening and amazing! Moments in life now are just so special as I view them from sober glasses! Drinking really is a buzz kill (as I stated in post in our group) and this sober life is my NEW high!!

Cheers to one more badge earned!! Life is good these days even with the challenges that arise… I’m staying strong and no longer think about going to ‘da booze as a way to cope. Instead I think about my workouts, reading, taking a bath, meditating, going for a walk, checking in with our Losedabooze group or calling a friend.

These are the #sobertools that will help me reach my health goals!

Here’s to the next month ahead and hitting the half year mark! I haven’t gone this long since my last pregnancy … 17 years ago!!