Thinking of Writing

It is my extreme pleasure to have Rachel Thompson, author of the bestselling Broken books, as a guest blogger. Rachel and I have many things in common. We are both authors (duh), both geek girls, and both advocates for women. Rachel is a voice of reason and intelligence when it comes to advocating. This piece is a great example of that.

In this post, Rachel takes on the unenviable challenge of discussing interruption and sexism, what it means and even why it happens. Please read carefully before commenting because commenting without reading is akin to interrupting. Interrupting, as Rachel will explain, is often sexist, and is definitely not sexy.

This is the Reason Interrupting is Sexist

Me: I wanted to share this piece I just wrote and…

Him: Oh, you know what you should say? You should discuss how I made that hilarious comment about the Kobayashi Maru. You know, about the no-win scenario.

Me: Well, you don’t even know what I wrote, or if that’s even relevant...

Him: Oh, well, go ahead. I just didn’t want to forget. It’s a great line.

Marriage Interruptus. Twenty-two years of it. I saw the red flag of trouble when we dated but you know, love and shit. Somehow, the Kobyashi Maru ended up quite relevant after all.

One of many reasons he’s now my ex-husband. A minor reason, to be honest, but one that, over time, was indicative of larger issues: inability to listen, disrespect for my abilities and thoughts, money issues. Typical reasons marriages die. Nothing sexist about that…or was it? Sometimes it felt that way.

Is Interrupting Sexist?

​Is the act of men interrupting women truly about sexism? Is that a stretch? If you’re a man, you might think so because it’s likely because you’ve been conditioned to talk over women, and probably haven’t given it a second thought. Or maybe you’re thinking, “Well, women interrupt, too!” And you’d be right. We do. Humans interrupt one another. But, at the same ratio in the same situations?

Think about this: have you been on the receiving end of constantly being interrupted and mansplained to? Perhaps you have, in a work situation.

If you’re in a position of leadership, you are likely used to people (male and female) deferring to your voice over theirs as a way to assert your power.

In other words, you might interrupt and not even know you’re doing it.

But we know.

Is Interrupting About Mansplaining?

​Some would argue that my ex was unknowingly mired in ‘mansplaining’ mode (defined by the brilliant Rebecca Solnit in her essay “Men Explain Things To Me,” as that “intersection between overconfidence and cluelessness where some portion of that gender gets stuck”), and I wouldn’t disagree.

I don’t believe my ex intended to be manipulative or hurtful – I believe he simply felt his opinion mattered more than mine in a way that (many, but not all) men do. In my corporate life, I had many male managers who constantly interrupted both the men and women they managed. It was the norm.

The man I’m with now is interruption avoidant to the extreme – it’s something we’re working on with me and with my kids – we’ve all learned to interrupt, I believe, as a coping mechanism, as a way to be heard. This breaks my heart a little.

Examples of Conversation Interruptus ​

​Two recent examples come to mind of egregious conversation interruptus: Kanye West and Taylor Swift at the 2009 VMAs, the video which has now been viewed almost 29,000,000 times as of this writing. West ran onstage, grabbed the mic and said, “Yo, Taylor, I’m really happy for you, I’mma let you finish but Beyoncé had one of the best videos of all time! One of the best videos of all time!” In his shockingly inappropriate fit of interrupting and ultimately, condescending mansplaining, it’s obvious Kanye was not happy for her. Even Beyoncé looked mortified.

Another example is the recent first Presidential debate in late-September of this year. According to Vox.com, Trump interrupted Clinton 51 times during the debate, often with “petulant asides” while she spoke, such as “Not,” or “Wrong.” Clinton, on the other hand, interrupted Trump 17 times, often patiently waiting for him to finish his interruptions so she could continue her allotted time.

Key Interruption Facts

Men interrupt women to assert power. Men were more likely to interrupt women with the intent to assert dominance in the conversation, meaning men were interrupting to take over the conversation floor. In mixed groups rather than a one-on-one conversation, men interrupted even more frequently.

Interruptus Resolutions

​How do we solve this disease of interruptus? Because it is a dis-ease, isn’t it? When we, at the receiving end are interrupted, we are not at ease; conversations become stilted, uncomfortable and awkward. Feelings are hurt, whether it’s in a personal or business situation.

Do women need to be more like men? Do men need to be more like women? That’s not likely to happen on a grand behavioral scale, particularly if the perpetrators of the behavior are unaccepting that it exists (most men don’t believe sexism is real, but that’s an entirely different conversation for another day), or are unaware they are even behaving in this manner. So, what’s the answer?

Maybe we need to meet somewhere in the middle. Noted feminist Soraya Chemaly believes women need to stop men from talking over us through the use of these ten little words every girl should learn:

Stop interrupting me

I just said that

No explanation needed.

Chemaly explains that girls are taught to be overly polite and active listeners in conversations, but men are not taught to socialize this way. As the parent of both a boy (age 11) and a girl (age 17), I’ve become very conscious of these words in dealing with men, and in teaching them to my children as well, because we all deserve to be heard.

Or, perhaps, it’s not about interrupting so much as it is more about learning to listen, regardless of gender or role. According to mega-successful businessman, author, job placement expert, and millionaire Cash Nickerson (who is a heck of a nice guy), listening is a martial art.

“Never, ever interrupt someone. It is the cardinal sin of listening.”

I believe the resolution is pretty simple: it comes down to respect. Whether you are aware of it or not, reading non-verbal clues during conversations doesn’t take a genius. Clue in. Your voice is not the only voice. Interrupting someone is rude and it blocks effective communication. So, make a conscious choice and stop interrupting.

If you are a man reading this, ask yourself this question: how often are you interrupting the women around you? If the answer is ‘a lot,’ do some self-checks. Listen to listen, not to respond. Physically bite your tongue if you must.

If you are a woman reading this and feel constantly interrupted, try using the terms Chemaly suggests above. I keep them in my Notes on my iPhone. (For what it’s worth, I used “Stop interrupting me,” for years with my ex. Didn’t work.)

If you respect the people you are with, take the time to listen to them. Talking over someone is a true sign of disrespect, doesn’t win you any points in the Relationship Department, and ultimately, is a true no-win scenario.

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Author

H.M Jones is the author of B.R.A.G Medallion Honor and NIEA finalist book Monochrome, its prequel Fade to Blue, the Adela Darken Graphic Novellas, Al Ravien's Night, The Immortals series, and several short stories.