Thursday, April 3, 2014

By The Time You Finish Reading This I'll Be Out On A Bike Ride

When I'm dead and buried and then exhumed and launched into space on an intergalactic disco rocket traveling at the speed of light, ultimately reanimating me so I can roam the galaxy for all eternity, I want to be remembered here on Earth for my thorough product reviews.

See, the traditional method of reviewing bicycles and related products and gewgaws is to slather them with praise and move on to the next one, like you're serving ice cream sundaes. There's never any follow-up. See, anyone can pour chocolate sauce on something, but how many "sundae artists" are there 12-24 hours later, when it's coming out the other end and causing severe stomach cramping?

That's where I come in. I'm the guy who's not afraid to look in the toilet and analyze the stool.

That was a long time ago! I bet some of you weren't even born in 2009.

ANYWAY, my wife ultimately adopted the Electra as her "townie" and was quite fond of it, apart from the fact that it wasn't a step-through. Then one day in 2012 she was riding to work when she experienced a mechanical failure, forcing her to park the bike somewhere in the East Village and press on by subway train. Shortly thereafter, a shitstorm blew through our lives as they are wont to do, and we ended up leaving the bike where it was for like three months or something. (It also fell off the roof rack of THE CAR THAT I OWN at one point, you can read all about it here.) When we finally got around to retrieving the bike, it looked like this--which is to say rusty, but more or less fine:

This ordeal endeared the Electra to me considerably, for it had already experienced more tribulation than any single bicycle should experience in its lifetime. Now, for the first time, it actually felt like it was mine. (Or, more accurately, my wife's.)

This bike totally blew her mind because it's awesome, and we officially became exactly the sorts of people I used to laugh at back in 2009 because they were into Dutch bikes. And as we gazed lovingly at the WorkCycles, we'd then look over at the Electra, then we'd look at each other, and then we'd say, "Fuck that thing."

Yep, after four years of bagel runs and commuting and picnics in the park and dinner dates, it was as easy as that:

"Fuck that thing."

So I locked the Electra outside, and then Old Man Winter came, dumping upon us Imperial Fucktonne after Imperial Fucktonne of cursed snow:

(It looked pretty for about five minutes but it got old really fucking fast.)

Stupidly I never took a picture of the Electra during any of this, but for most of the winter it was almost completely buried. Then, yesterday evening, I was outside hanging out with one of my 17 children, and on a whim I unlocked the Amsterdam. "No way this thing will be rideable," I thought wrongly. In fact, all it took was a few PSI in each tire and the thing was just as rideable as ever:

That really blew my mind. I don't think I've charged it for like a year.

ANYWAY, we spent the rest of the evening racing bikes sewer-to-sewer and laying down fat coaster brake skidzzz, and with that the Electra re-eentered my life and I fell in love with it yet again--at least until I decide to ghost-ride it into a large body of water for laughs and then dredge it out six months later, thus beginning the cycle anew.

As for the moral of the story, it's simple:

Any bike reviewer who tells you that you need a belt drive or a titanium frame or dick breaks or anything other kind of Budnitz-y feature in order to have a durable, maintenance-free city bicycle is completely and utterly full of shit.

Speaking of bikes and being full of shit, have you heard about the Pulsium?

Let's break this story down to its most salient points:

PulsiumY-shapedelastomer bung in the lower branch27 percent more vertical flex than its Sensiumslightly longer seatstays and a longer head tubephysically tolerantincredible vertical flexibility while keeping the lateral rigiditytop half of the Pulsium compliant and the bottom half stiffoptimised for stiffnessrobust

can switch between short and long

We rather like the shape

ever-so-slightly bowed

six sizes

available

So am I reading about a bike or a fucktoy? It's frightening that your LBS may soon be inviting you to ride their Pulsium. This thing makes even the Cipollini seem chaste:

("This is exactly what it looks like.")

Lastly, once again a Kickstarter entrepreneur is entreating me to write about something I already wrote about:

My name is Pat and I came across your Blog Site in a Google search.... your in the top 50 USA Bloggers which will make you happy if you didn't already know this!?Was enquiring to see if you can run a small blog on us and what we do?We're currently running a Kickstarter campaign and need some exposure so contacting you seemed the obvious starting choice.We have a pretty cool product that fixes all the quirks of the canvas under seat tool bags. Check it out?https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/2110457015/integrated-minimalist-under-seat-cycle-storage...We hope you find this interesting as we've had excellent response down here in New Zealand.If you need any more info please get in touch.

I don't mean to make sound testy or anything but I ALREADY GODDAMN DID IT!!! Also, there is absolutely nothing quirky about a canvas saddle bag, but there is a shitload that's quirky about a plastic saddle-vag called the "Aeroclam."

Most importantly, "top 50 USA Bloggers" does not make me happy. That's like a pack finish in a Cat 5 race.

"PulsiumY-shapedelastomer bung in the lower branch27 percent more vertical flex than its Sensiumslightly longer seatstays and a longer head tubephysically tolerantincredible vertical flexibility while keeping the lateral rigiditytop half of the Pulsium compliant and the bottom half stiffoptimised for stiffnessrobustcan switch between short and longWe rather like the shapeever-so-slightly bowedsix sizesavailable"

Interesting. That's almost a perfect summary of my digestive track and the three plates of Chinese buffet I just ate.

It's kind of depressing for your posterity when your sad old possessions outlast you. I'm thinking of my Dad's old Rudge Sports with the full-size saddle bag and my Mom's old Raleigh with the Dynohub. Sell the Electra before it becomes a burden to your 17 innocent children.

It was bound to happen with your disgusting saddle hygiene, Snob. You must have ridden your wife's Dutchie (pass it on the left hand side) once, and now it's sporting a saddle-shaped carbuncle off the front of the top tube.

Please, for the love of lob, throw out your scrofulous old saddle, disinfect your scranus, and stop spreading the plague.

...people who spend most of their natural lives riding iron bicycles over the rocky roadsteads of the parish get their personalities mixed up with the personalities of their bicycles as a result of the interchanging of the mollycules of each of them, and you would be surprised at the number of people in country parts who are nearly half people and half bicycles.

Oh come on. It doesn't matter what Google says, snobbers - we're here cause you're da best. And Hey! As the astute judges the relative merit of intellectual discourse that we are, you can always count on us for stimulating, erudite conversation.

It was my fault. I was in front of her in the Hemi and I had the QR on the roof rack clamped onto the angled part of the fork above the drop out instead of on the flat. A fireman stopped and turned his lights on so she could get it out of the 4 lane.

one day while hanging out between the apple store and local artisanal bakery as i waited for my girlfriend to finish her pilates class (I WILL NOT BE JUDGED) i noted two dutch bikes locked to the end of the bench i was sitting on.

as i waited, a young couple emerged from the bakery and walked toward the bikes. i was feeling all superior & whatnot due to my high levels of edginess compared to these obvious suburban trendwhores, 'til they began to speak as they unlocked the bikes, and lo and behold they were speaking dutchinese! or dutchian, or whatever they speak in the neverlands.

DB 12:17, show respect to Leroy, Commie, RCT, BGW (no one else will), uh, buffalo bill still around? Of course, Anonymous has been there the longest and stuck with it day after day. And then there are all the "Name/URL" douches who just put up some random name.

I had a feeling they were our Founding Fathers, but wasn't sure.Their comments will carry more weight for me now.

Wha..you calling us FAT?You can see all our faces carved into a rock in Central Park, known as Mount Snobmore, with the engraving, the nobelist spirit of flatulance and sodomy humor embiggens us all. Hee Hee Embiggen.

Yo Rock Machine: the International Mountain Bicycling Association wants you to be a keynote speaker at its biennial event in Steamboat Springs, CO, in August. Yes, the old gray lady has a sense of humor after all.

Really. I mean, did you see our tweet?

We don't know how to contact you, but we do know that you're real good at the Internets. Since your blog is required reading in the communications department (there's only 3 of us), we wanted to reach out.

There will be lots of beer and some riding of bicycles and a lot of very nice people and you can sell your books and whatever. And it's in Colorado, in case you missed that. Colorado > everywhere else USA. I just spent a week in NYC (last week) and I know it to be true.

If you're interested, we're interested. Have your people contact ... me. I don't have people. Damn. I need an intern to do this kind of crap.

And Mr Snob, if you are tooling about on the comments section instead of crafting us a quiz for tomorrow, how about a bit of an 'agony uncle' blogular advice column?My friend just broke his $$$$ crabon frame after a little ding; the only thing he hurt seems to have been his pride. One thing after another has gone wrong with it in the past year. He has three other decent frames, and enough money to buy another crabon thing if he wants. I am happy spinning around on an old steel bike I have owned since 19-something, and am finding it hard to be as sympathetic as I could be. Do you have any advice for me?

That front seat is the gunner's position. The pilot sits in back. There's room for a tail gunner too.

My bro and I were discussing youngish granny's last week. I reminded him what used to be cougars are now younger women, and the probably aren't all that interested in older guys, even if we are well preserved for respective ages (50 and 54).

Hey Katherine, try clicking on his blogger profile near the top of every post. Tada! Email address. But then I'm sure your "communications" department is just feigning ignorance so you can drop a plug. Oh, right, legal weed. Never mind. Carry on.

"Excellent New condition...This is a great bike just don't have the time to ride anymore. I am gonna have to let it go. Purchased over the winter. (MSRP $2750) Did not get out due to weather...my loss your gain. "

Wow, I didn't know that a bike costs so much to store that you have to sell it if your ass isn't on it. Don't tell my bike....it'll hurt her feelings and give her commitment/abandonment issues.

RQ: that's why you buy a cheap bike: you won't get anything for selling it so might as well keep it. Besides, "purchased over the winter" is thief-speak for found it while xmas shopping in your neighbour's basement.

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About Me

While I love cycling and embrace it in all its forms, I'm also extremely critical. So I present to you my venting for your amusement and betterment. No offense meant to the critiqued. Always keep riding!