No.287

by Mike Fallows •
08.07.2016

The Importance of Velcro

Sometimes seemingly insignificant decisions can affect the world in ways you wouldn’t imagine. For example, hear this cautionary tale…

A young man ran down the stairs and struggled to put on his shoes. His laces were in a bit of a knot and tying them was a right faff. He charged out the door but it was too late… his bus had just pulled away from the stop.

He set off on the long trudge along the main road to his job at the paperclip factory. At work they were expecting him to arrive bright and early to help ship out a large container of 45mm paperclips, but with no sign of him, they were left with no choice but to delay their shipment.

Because of this, the town hall was forced to work without paper clips for a total of three hours. Due to the lack of clips a sheet of A4 discussing the disposal of nuclear waste from the nearby power station slid into a pile of documents debating ways to improve the quality of tap water.

The toxic sludge was pumped into the water supply and the inhabitants of the town quickly grew into grotesque mutants. Shunned by the rest of the world, the mutants banded together to form their own army, and soon waged war on anyone and anything around them. By 2017 the earth was a ragged, fire-scorched nightmare, and by 2018, it was no more.

As the earth collided with the sun, one solitary voice from deep in the molten hell was heard to shout, “Damn you laces!” as humanity finally ceased.

Meanwhile, in a parallel universe the same lad casually breezed down his stairs and slipped on his Velcro tennis shoes. He arrived at the bus stop with ample time.

The bus ride was really fantastic and everyone was having a great time, so much so in fact that the bus driver announced that instead of taking everyone to work, he was driving everyone to the beach for no extra cost. And the Soleros were on the house!

At the beach everyone had an even better time than when they were on the bus, and loads of celebrities who everyone thought had died years ago, like Elvis, Frank Sinatra and Jimi Hendrix were stood around telling fascinating and humorous anecdotes.

As the stories of old winded down, Frank Sinatra took our Velcro-bound friend aside and remarked that he, “Respected his care-free, laceless style, and liked the cut of his jib.” He then explained that him and his famous friends had faked their deaths to duck out of the scolding gaze of the public eye, but we’re now feeling ready for a comeback—they just needed someone to play tambourine.

The album quickly became the best-selling record of all time, and the tambourine solo on track 9 (The 73 minute epic, “I’m Keen 4 Tambourine”) was heralded as the greatest tambourine solo ever heard by human ears. Everyone in the world (and further afield) lived happily ever after.