Sunday, August 24, 2003

After countless libel lawsuits, backroom negotiations and blackmail threats, the long awaited sequel to Kenneth Anger’s Hollywood Babylon will finally be released by a small French publisher, Le Jejune Press. Here are some of the explosive revelations from Madison Avenue Babylon:

- Uncle Ben was much loathed in the industry for ratting out Communist sympathizers during the blacklist era. His testimony was single-handedly responsible for destroying the careers of Farfel the Nestle dog, the original kid from the Maypo ads and the woman inside the dancing Old Gold cigarette box.

- Speedy the Alka Seltzer mascot slept his way to the top, dissolving in the mouth of every Madison Avenue executive during his rise to fame.

- The Jolly Green Giant? Not exactly “giant,” if you know what I’m saying.

- Reddy Kilowatt’s “natural energy” came from a specially blended mixture of Colombian cocaine, ground African hippopotamus hooves, rust scrapings from a ‘39 LaSalle and fetal tissue directly injected into his bloodstream three times a day.

- Everyone knows that Morris the Cat was as gay as a French horn, but his bizarre interspecies dalliance with the dog from the Chuck Wagon commercials truly shocked and disgusted the animal commercial acting world.

- While portraying himself as a devoted family man in public, popcorn magnate Orville Redenbacher was notorious for his stable of hot young bitches. Orville’s oft-repeated motto was “No old maids in my popcorn, no old maids in my bed.”