Collegeville, USA. Long-time Pink Floyd fan Eric Johnson, 23, a philosophy major at Academia-R-Us, reported an extreme bout of depression beginning Wednesday evening while listening to "The Dark Side of the Moon." Eric, who did not bother getting out of bed upon our initial arrival at the scene Friday afternoon, muttered instead through his pillow, "What's the point of talking to you guys? What's the point of ANYTHING AT ALL? NOTHING IS REAL, DAMMIT. SCREW YOU."

We at News, Inc., intent on making more profit from Eric's current state by augmenting this storyline, went to the nearest psychiatrist for an expert opinion on Eric's new outlook on life. For a certain sum of money, the psychiatrist happily obliged.

"Undoubtedly, Eric needs to get laid. Several times. His current state of mind is the result of not getting laid enough in the past. Now he needs to get laid... BIG TIME."

During our initial interview, Eric's friends admitted that they have already tried to get Eric laid by dragging him, often against his own will, to parties and getting him slightly to not so slightly intoxicated, but that ultimately he would "go to a corner and talk about religion or politics or philosophy to whoever was refilling their cup."

In a somewhat miraculous turn of events, however, the news crew encountered a rejuvenated Eric upon their second interview the following Monday. While Eric himself would not comment on the circumstances that led to his renewed will to live, an anonymous source informed us of the following:

"Saturday evening we dragged Eric to a kegger and got him buzzed. Like always, he started muttering about relativism and the illusion of reality and how life is meaningless, except this time it was to one of the girls at the party who happened to be religious. Fack it, man, Eric actually convinced the girl that life WAS meaningless and to prove it she hooked up with him right then and there."