How Herman Cain’s cartoony farewell may impact the campaign

“Let me leave you with this. I believe these words came from the ‘Pokemon’ movie … ‘Life can be a challenge. Life can seem impossible. It’s never easy when there’s so much on the line, but you and I can make a difference. There’s a mission just for you and me. Just look inside and you will find just what you can do’.”

— Herman Cain, suspending his presidential campaign, Dec. 3, 2011.

“Welcome to the 42nd in a series of 1,357 debates featuring the Republican candidates for president. I am your moderator, Donald Trump. First, as is customary, each candidate will now make a brief introductory statement. We will begin with former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney.”

“Thank you, Mr. Trump, and thank you, members of the audience. As everyone is well aware, my campaign has been somewhat rocky in recent days. It seems that my status as the obvious front-runner has not yet gotten through to the voting public, whose attention span continues to hop from candidate to candidate with the frequency of a cheap ham radio. I clearly need to do something to capture the attention and imagination of the populace. But I am still certain my time will come. I just need to ask myself, in the words of the great poets: ‘What would Brian Boitano do, if he was here right now? I’m sure he’d kick an ass or two, that’s what Brian Boitano would do.’ Thank you.”

“Thank you, Mr. Romney. And now, a statement from former senator Rick Santorum.”

“Thanks, Don. These are trying times for America, without question. We face more than a struggle, my friends — we are preparing for an all-out battle! A battle for our future, our values, our rights, our very way of life! It’s all dribbling away, people! We must have the Courage to Fight for America (TM ricksantorum.com, all rights reserved)! And I know I am ready to take up that battle. As the great anthem states, ‘Fighting to save the day. They never give up, they’re always there. Fighting for freedom over land and sea and air.’ Yes, G.I. Joe … is there. And so are we! Now you know. And knowing is half the battle.”

“We will now hear from Rep. Michele Bachmann. Representative?”

“Thank you, Mr. Trump. Hey, remember me? I was front-runner for a couple of days there back in the summer! Yeah, those were good days. Good, good days. What happened? I mean, sure, there was that Newsweek cover where I looked like a crazed deer caught in headlights, but that was the doing of that biased, nasty lamestream media, am I right? And yeah, I do come across as a little bit … wacky … in interviews. And public appearances. And in speeches. And in written statements. But come on, we all love being a little loony, don’t we? Like the great philosopher once said, ‘We’re zany to the max, there’s baloney in our slacks. We’re Animaniacs! Those are the facts!’ Thank you. ZORT!”

“Thank you, Mrs. Bachmann. Wait … Reverend Robertson? What are you doing here? You’re not even running this year, are you?”

“Nope, bless you, but I have something to say! To each of these candidates, I must ask a simple question. I was watching some television last night — in between moments of genuflection, of course — and I heard a song that asked a simple question, one that is so clearly the key to America’s problems. And I quote: ‘It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on TV. But where are those good, old-fashioned values on which we used to rely?’ Yes, indeed! Where are they? Where? Where?!?”

“Would someone escort the Reverend Robertson back to the ABC Family studio?”

“I’ll answer the question!”

(silence)

“I’ll answer the question!”

“(sigh) Very well, Mr. Gingrich.”

“I believe I have the integrity and moral compass to guide our country back to the right track. I mean, sure, I faced 84 different ethics charges while I served in the House, and sure, I blamed my numerous infidelities on working so hard on behalf of the American people. But clearly I am the most upstanding and classy … ”