Birth story

I've a harrowing tale to tell and I've no idea how I feel about it. I am officially a mother now. I have a tiny little man who depends on me for just about everything and all he offers in return are the softest cheeks for kisses that have ever been felt and the sweetest snuggles. It seems fair enough now. We'll see how I feel about it in 16 years or so when his cheeks are no longer soft and I have to bail him out of jail for whatever he did that weekend.

Anyways, the birth did not turn out how I had planned. For a variety of reasons I was very serious about a natural birth. I took many classes about how to succeed with it. I planned, I practiced, I read the research on why I was making the absolutely best decision, I talked about it, and I felt good about it. I was not afraid of the pain or the procedure to come. My only fear was that things outside my control would go wrong and I would end up with a c-section. However, the research I did made me feel like that wouldn't happen. I refused induction methods, pain medicine, my water being broken and many other things that lead women to have c-sections. Mr. Neruda and I felt confident in our decisions and in their effectiveness.

Then I went into labor. It started slow. Really slow. My water cracked rather than broke and slowly trickled out for hours. I labored at home for 14 hours before we went to the hospital because my contractions never went faster than 5 mins apart. Finally, due to the imminent blizzard we went to the hospital with them about 5-4 mins apart. Respectable I thought.

Things picked up speed some after we arrived. I really zoomed toward a 6 or so and then things fizzled. The contractions hurt. They hurt a lot and were extremely exhausting. I kept trying different positions to see what would relieve some of the pain and stress. I found two positions that I liked the most, one of which was suppose to be great for getting the little toot to enter the birth canal.

I was mostly able to use my training to keep myself ahead of the pain and not panic during them. However, I got myself stuck at about an 8 and couldn't progress any further. That lasted for six hours. Even though I wasn't dilating more my contractions were becoming fierce. They were about 2 1/2 to 3 mins long with only 30 second breaks in between. I was okay with this because I knew the next time I was checked they would say 9 or 10 and we would begin the ending of this whole ordeal. I still felt empowered and able at that point, but I was wearing down fast.

My breaking point came when she checked me again and said that I was still not quite an 8 and that nothing had changed for 6 hours. He wasn't in the birth canal and the doctor felt that he was too big to ever enter the canal much less come out. She felt I was not going to progress any further. She said I could try for a while longer, but there was meconium in the water and she was positive I wasn't going to get any closer to delivery.

That news was crumbling. Maybe I should have tried longer and I could have gotten there eventually. However, that news was devastating and the pain was intolerable. It was tolerable when I was going somewhere but became completely intolerable when I knew it was for nothing. The nurses and doctor left the room so Mr. Neruda and I could talk it out. I was willing to continue if he felt it worth a try and I definitely needed encouragement and someone feeling like it was worth it for me to continue. However, he immediately thought it was time to call it quits and get us both out of it safely. I added up the 30 hours I had been in labor and decided that maybe we should call it quits.

I was then rushed into a c-section, which was one of the scariest things of my life. Everything happened so fast after that. Many were very rough me while I was still having contractions. I don't blame them, they were all in a hurry, it just hurt so bad and made things seem worse. The spinal block that I received was painful at first and terrifying, having a giant needle stuck into my spine. The worst part was that it kept creeping up my body numbing my arms and made me begin to pass out a bit. Apparently gravity can pull it down into my head if I am at a bad angle. The upside to doing the c-section the way I did was that the drug seemed to not effect Huxley at all. Since it had only been in my body for about 5 mins before they started cutting into me I don't think it had time to get into the womb. He came out incredibly alert which is exactly what we wanted.

I honestly don't know how to feel about the whole experience. A part of me feels like a failure. I really had the whole thing planned out and I had the power of my beliefs backing me. I do feel like it went wrong. My body was inferior to what it should have been and that is saddening. It also makes me feel powerless. I can train and train for a marathon or just keep pushing myself no matter what when doing other physical activities, but there was nothing I could do about this situation. I had limits and they caused me to fail.

I have heard of women having PTSD after getting a c-section, especially if they really wanted a natural birth. There is a way I can understand that feeling, however, I choose to focus on the fact that he came out perfectly healthy, that I didn't die or have any lasting damage, and that I was in labor for about 30 hours before giving up. I didn't feel a contraction and crumble, I put in the good fight. I was beaten but I tried hard. There are moments when I get very sad and defeated feeling, but I think they have more to do with my crazy hormones and things right now rather than with deeper seeded feelings.

I don't know for certain how I feel, but I thought I would just share how Hux came to be.

You are definitely not a failure! There are some things we just can't control and this is one of them. Plus, you are a tiny girl who had a big baby! And you were in labor for 30 hours with no pain meds. That is amazing. You should get a medal just for that.

Total stranger- just wanted you to know as a fellow mom: you wouldn't be any more in love with that little baby no matter how you had him. When it comes down to it, the last 5 minutes of a birthing experience is really of little consequence in the long run. You made a healthy baby. That in itself in the biggest accomplishment anyone could ever dream of. Be proud. You've earned it.