Kill your TV at your own peril

Tim Goodman

Published 4:00 am, Wednesday, December 3, 2003

Everything we know we learned from television:

-- So we're tailing some idiot with one of those "Kill Your Television" bumper stickers the other day -- you know, kind of trying to force them off the roadway and perhaps up onto the loose-gravel roadside -- when brilliant marketing occurred to us: Why not sell cars with those big deer-catcher front grills? Seems like a no-brainer.

-- Since when did this column focus primarily on television?

-- It has been reported that "America's Most Wanted" is going to issue a deck of cards with, you guessed it, the most wanted criminals in the country on the front. Yes, this mimics the White House's Iraq deck of terror, and we see a perfect opportunity to continue this creative thievery for our own good: A deck of TV cards featuring all the people screwing up television. Again, brilliant marketing.

Our current ace of spades: John Wells. Give us back our "West Wing," punk.

And while you're at it, fix the damn lighting. You're on NBC, which is owned by General Electric. Borrow some bulbs.

-- Oh, and this is a bit of what passes for TV genius: ABC is planning to change the format of its dramas from four acts to five, so that the entire country doesn't turn the TV off as the last commercials air (content after said commercials is usually credits and previews for the next week). In the future, the final dramatic moments will take place right when you're peering into the refrigerator, looking for the special holiday ale from Anchor Steam.

Of course, instead of adding a fifth act, ABC could have done something really revolutionary: make shows people want to watch until the end.

-- Jack of hearts in the TV deck: Jeff Zucker, head of NBC. Wanted for foisting "Coupling" on the whole country. Once NBC destroys another Britcom, "The Office," Zucker will be the ace of diamonds and considered one of this industry's most dangerously offensive masterminds.

-- Television Week, an industry magazine, says networks will be seeking more serialized work -- like "24" and "The O.C." This is nothing short of shocking, given that the prevailing trend in TV is to wrap up everything in one hour, as neatly as a door closing shut behind the pat plot. To which we say: What does this do to the fifth act? And what about this notion of no second acts in American lives -- why six or seven in our dramas now? And will all new serialized shows have to have a dumb girl in peril, a la "24," or a bunch of kids from Orange County throwing punches?

Look, all we're saying is some advanced notice would be nice. If we have to commit ourselves to 24 episodes of anything, we're gonna need a lot more beer.

-- Poor CBS. The spineless debacle of "The Reagans" followed by having to hold that Michael Jackson suck-up special. What's next -- telling Bin Laden he can't be on next summer's "Big Brother"?

-- King of diamonds: the guy who's writing most of the punch lines on "Good Morning, Miami."

-- It's December in America. That means reruns and lots of them. Or a good time to bring back that Rob Lowe stinker, "The Lyon's Den." And yes, we just said "stinker," which makes us about 100 years old.

-- Got it: Eva Gabor. Not Ava. Although, oddly enough, loads of people still think it's Ava. Except people actually named Ava, who took offense. Thus ends our Gabor Sisters segment of the column. Tune in next week when we discuss the Lennon Sisters.

-- Shouldn't it be a crime in this country to air classic Christmas movies and specials shredded with commercials? Why chop up Dr. Seuss so that some soda company can preach to the choir?

-- Poor "Ed." The quirky little series that almost sorta got it right and survived this far on pluck, will now unceremoniously be booted to Friday nights to make room for the Jan. 8 premiere of the Donald Trump reality series,

"The Apprentice." Yes, the Donald has his own reality series. It's about 16 people who are trying to become his apprentice in the real estate business. The job pays $250,000 a year. It's executive produced by Mark Burnett, from "Survivor" fame. First apprentice voted off the show? The guy who says to Donald, "Dude, you cannot be serious with that comb-over?"

-- Another report somewhere from some group has concluded that lots of kids are watching television. Stunning, yes. But we have the hard-to-find answer why: because it's TV. Them kids love that flicker and glow. Mmmmm. Cartoons.

-- Queen of clubs: Barney, the evil purple dinosaur.

-- A poll commissioned by Trio, the quirky arts network and TV Guide, the unquirky little book of what's on TV, found that 3 percent of people asked believe that the House of Representatives votes for the Golden Globes. That explains a lot of things about Iraq, for starters, and also why "According to Jim" is still on the air.

-- We now cut to Maria Shriver on NBC News: "I'm reporting live from California, the Golden State and, this just in, the greatest state in the union. If you have a business, you've gotta come here. It's sunny. Come visit and stay in the governor's mansion. It's empty. Now back to New York, where it's damn cold and it's always Code Orange."

-- When people say they like watching poker on TV, this is not what they mean: "Celebrity Poker Showdown." No, no and no.

-- 10 of diamonds: The people at UPN who thought a TV show about a haircut would be funny.

-- "Project Greenlight" is off HBO and headed for Bravo. No word yet on whether C-SPAN2 will pick up "K Street."

-- So let's get this straight, "24" fans. You're watching a series where a supposedly brilliant government counter-terrorist unit has its second "mole. " In the building. Draining power grids with all those TVs that perfectly capture the one person in all of Los Angeles they need to track. And yet nobody is the wiser? Three seasons, two moles. Got it. And one more thing: Kim Bauer, she of the animal trap and incredibly bad decisions -- she's helping save the world, right? With that bad hair? And you're not troubled by the demographically perfect computer guy across from her with the weird hair? In a government job? There's a lot of hair issues on this series -- isn't that troubling? And you don't care that Andrea Thompson, late of reading the news badly on television, is in the fold?

Just checking. We'll stop there. More curiosity next week.

-- Seven of spades: People at the WB in charge of comedies. (Clearly, low priority. These folks mostly do damage to their own network.)

-- Bring me the head of Bin Laden.

The High Fives: 1. "Arrested Development," with its wickedly original fake previews for the next episode -- which never happen. (By the way, Fox picked up "Arrested Development" for a full season.) 2. Christmas specials that melt our gigantic steel cage of a heart. 3. "Alias." 4. "SportsCenter" --

which needs no fifth act. 5. Knowing deep down that people with "Kill Your Television" bumper stickers probably don't read.