Nowhere else to go

I used to be suicidal when I was a teenager back when I was first diagnosed with several mental disorders (depression, panic disorder, anxiety disorder, OCD, ADHD). Back then, though, I felt like my suicidal thoughts and outward expressions were more a subconscious means of a "cry for help." While I made plans a few times, I think it was more an attention grab.

I dealt with another wave of suicidal thoughts after my fiance left me 4 years ago. The pain I dealt with made me want to act out of urge and hurt/kill in a moment of angst. I only told a few people. Luckily, I never lost self control enough to go through with it, and, as the saying goes, "time heals all wounds" and I eventually got over the ordeal enough to get away from those thoughts.

Over the past year, I have hit rock bottom in my life. I'm more alone and more depressed than I ever have been before at the age of 26. To be completely honest, I'm scared of myself now. My thoughts of suicide seem more serious than ever. I've started talking dates in my head. For instance, at the end of last year, I told myself that if things weren't better by the end of this year that I would end it. It's seven months into the year and I haven't made any progress. I feel like I've completely lost all desire and passion in my life. I used to try to be logical and gain understanding about things in my life, things in the world, but I feel that nothing makes sense to me anymore. I'm just an empty shell, desperately hoping and praying that something will come my way to wake me up out of this nightmare. What's real bad is how numb I am to the thought of my own death now. As I've battled depression and anxiety in the past, it's always been easy for me to cry my eyes out. I've always been so emotional. I used to think I was bipolar because I would experience such highs and lows of emotion, but now I just don't feel anything at all. I think the only thing keeping me from killing myself sometimes is the fear of Hell. The ironic thing, though, is when I was doing good, not depressed, but actually the happiest in my life - I was really involved in a student ministry in college. I actually ran it and lead worship. I felt like it was my "purpose" to go into ministry. Those thoughts, that belief, has lead me to where I am today. I'm alone with no money, no hopes of getting married, and as I've delved deeper into the world of "church/religion" I've began to see how deceived I've been. Basically, I'm starting to slip away from my faith. I wonder if it's even real anymore, and, if I get to the point where in a moment I walk away from the thought of Hell/Religion/Christianity in general, then I don't think there would be anything stopping me.

I don't know what to believe anymore. I don't know how to be happy. I don't know how to function. It's like I've forgotten all these things.

Hi JV3 i am here hun and i hear you I think now hun would be a good time to reach out to your doctor to a professional who can help you pullout of that darkness ok
I too have been where you are now no feeling just a numbness that is a deep stage of depression hun. You need now to take time out just for YOU ok go to hospital and get the supports you need and deserve to get strong ok hun. You have no way hun of seeing future many people who marry late in life even You may just meet that someone someday but first hun you need help ok. Talk to your doctor hun get the help to get strong again hugs

hey JV - To second totalEclipse, good suggestion about reaching out to your doc.

Also it sounds like you have been working toward a life where you help people, reach out to others, but haven't really been considering your own happiness & relationships. I used to be kinda "thoreau"...thought people were great but not necessary. Now I have the opposite view: friends are almost critical to your survival. The human animal is built to run independently but always WITH love, friends, a sense of belonging.

As for your faith...almost everybody amazing goes through a "Dark night of the Soul". it's even a tradition for Shamans, because it's considered that people who hit bottom become extra, extra wise. But as for trying to live and survive depression, you need to reach for the things that make you happy.

Living to make others happy vs. my own happiness seems to be an issue for me. When I do nothing but help others, I feel like the return I'm getting isn't paying off in the long run. I'm one of those people who gets hurt easily, and I hold onto things for far too long. My history has been that I don't keep a lot of friends for very long. As a matter of fact, the very few friends I have kept for longer than three years are ones that I don't really "let in" much. People I just casually hang out with and not really "talk" to. I've been so obsessed with how I think people view me, and how I can help others, but in that I haven't seemed to be able to manage my own happiness.

This year I've really tried to make a major change and pursue my own happiness, but what I've found is I get accused of being selfish, and because of my instinctive, almost obsessive, need to put others first, I just find myself with a constant guilty conscience. In my head, I think that I struggle with the fact that I believe my happiness comes from helping/leading/being there for others, but if I don't get a return on that then I feel betrayed or unworthy of love.

I've lost so many friends over that I've started to realize that I have to look inward and realize that I might just be the problem. I've definitely been ridiculed be many for beliefs I used to carry and what I stood for. I have made changes in those areas, but when I have I don't feel comfortable in my own skin anymore. It's like no matter what I do I just can't find peace within myself. If I do what others want me to do and be the person I feel people expect me to be; then, I'm unhappy because I don't feel like I'm being true to myself - that I'm just living a lie. If I do what I want to and be the person I want to be; then, I'm unhappy because it isolates me from others and I feel very rejected.

I actually don't see a psychiatrist/counselor anymore. I did when I was a teenager. They put me an all kinds of medication that didn't really work. At this time now, I can't really afford to go anywhere or pay for medications. I don't have health insurance. Right now, I barely have enough money to pay the bills each month; so, I'm very much on my own in this for the time being.