rock me sexy jesus

Kathryn Jean Lopez Would Like You To Know She Has An S&M Relationship With The Lord

Hey National Review person K-Lo, what’s up! Have you had some time yet to regret your even dopier than usual column? Would you like to? Great, let’s get started! “I Have A Dopey Question For Time Magazine,” K-Lo begins, and yes, stopped clock/blind pig, etc. See Time Magazine had its annual let’s-blow-everybody issue, and sexxxy Planned Parenthood president Cecile Richards was in it, for sexiness, and she was written about by famous whore Sandra Fluke. So K-Lo wants to know, if people are getting the assignments for perceived affinities with their subjects, why she herself didn’t get the gig to write about Timothy Cardinal Dolan? Because why should Jon Meacham get to do it just because he has a Pulitzer and stuff? She supposes she should be grateful that a lamestream media publication would write about a Catholic at all, considering how we in the media have been WARRING them, but she must — MUST — take exception to one particularly nice thing Meacham wrote, because he forgot to put in all the sexy stuff from 9 1/2 Weeks:

Jon Meacham, the author of the Dolan entry, writes that Cardinal Dolan is

‘a warm prelate who leads his flock more by charm than fiat.’

So what’s your problem exactly, Kathryn Jean?

But here’s my problem with the word fiat as it was used in the Time piece: The man is all about fiat. It’s at the heart of what we believe. That cross is about surrender. Christ’s self-sacrificial love which we believe we are called to enter into. It’s about Yes — the fiat of a young virgin in Nazareth. Of a humble carpentar, who offers a model of living as a man of wisdom and virtue. Of the Son of God, who showed us the Way to live, the purpose of our lives, offering us everything. Of each and every one of us, every moment of the day, we pray.

That is so funny, we do not remember anything from Catholic school, with our Commie nuns, about the Blessed Virgin ruling with an iron hand, or issuing (dictionary.com, yo!) arbitrary decrees or pronouncements, especially by a person or group of persons having absolute authority to enforce it. Nor does “showing us the Way to live, the purpose of our lives” NECESSARILY entail “forcing us to do so under pain of pain” — just, you know, most of the time.

But we didn’t belong to the branch of the Church where you scourge yourself with cats-o-nine-tails, either. Nope, it was all ‘Jesus is love,’ and ‘suffer the little children to come unto me’ and ‘blessed are the poor,’ and other silly hippie nonsense. The only time we remember Jesus getting his S&M freak on was when he whipped the moneychangers out of the temple, probably for not being Capitalist enough.

Standard doctrinaire stuff the clergy from the lower orders on up will hope conflate with saying 'yes' to whatever they want you to do. I mean, hey, you're in a church, churches gotta have leaders, so I'm your leader.

EatsBabyDingos

Catholic Girls, and their tiny little mustaches. Bet K-Lo has a sexyback, too, like Scalia.

She must be thinking of the Toni Bentley book The Surrender:
"I am sitting on the threshold. Perhaps this is the final paradox of God's paradoxical machinations: my ass is my very own back door to heaven.

Hey K-Lo — maybe they didn't pick you to write a piece on Mr. Dolan (yeah, fuck calling anyone father or cardinal or fuckin' the pope) because — per the example — they figured the end result was gonna be somehow all about you. Because — you know — your writing is that of a self-centered underdeveloped adolescent.

Ducksworthy

If you're getting wet and/or a hard on praying to Jesus, you may be doing it wrong.

commiegirl

Tell it to the little flower

thebeatgoeson

K – Lo @ large can't even spell carpenter. Also, why is that "at large" descriptor following her around (editor-at-large of the National Review Online) – isn't it in poor taste to make fun of her physical appearance?!

AlterNewt

What the Hell? Is this National Sad Hoohah Day?

Me_K_Cong

What. Not one comment about "carpentar"?

Carp and Tar: What Kathryn Lopez should be coated with prior to being run out of town on a rail.

Gainsbourg69

I figured it was a fish enthusiast's roofing company.

Allmighty_Manos

I assumed spelling carpenter with an a was some kind of pre-Vatican II thing.

JustPixelz

"…forcing us to do so under pain of pain…"

I'd take her seriously if I saw a Christian (or any other pious individual) truly sacrifice for their faith. If Obama somehow passed a law to "go and sell that thou hast, and give to the poor", they'd scream "socialism" and crucify him.

prommie

If Jesus himself came back and told them to go sell what they have and give to the poor, they'd crucify Him. Again.

doloras

Like most of the people who claim to be "Marxists" are the same arrogant born-to-rule scumbags that Marx was preaching revolution against, most people claiming to be Christians are the kind of people who nailed him up in the first place.

prommie

"Its about the fiat of a young virgin in Nazareth?" This word, "fiat," I think it does not mean what she thinks it means. In what way, in what possible way, does the word "fiat" bear any application to the story of the virgin birth, or the story of the crucifixion? What in the holy fuck is this dumbass fatso talking about? She uses the word 'fiat" the way teatards use the word "liberties."

I think KJL is close to the edge. This is her roundabout way of saying she's the owner of a lonely heart. Perhaps some conservative lost love has given her the long distance runaround? She seems almost at the gates of delirium!

K-Lo needs to hold on. Someone needs to say to her "yours is no disgrace, it can happen, love will find a way" but that in order for it to do so that she needs to make some changes (like losing 150 pounds, finding a new stylist, getting a real job and spending less time with conservative douchebags, etc).

doloras

I think K-Lo is a little bit Anderson Bruford Wakeman Howe, if you know what I mean.

(… am I doing this right?)

prommie

And Jesus Christ, noone can possibly read the gospels and not see that Jesus was amazingly arrogant! Humble? Oh, man, she is just so fucking dumb, just fucking stupid.

DonnyKerabotsos

Reminds me of the boot-licker in Catholic school who always felt that she should be the one who claps the erasers and lead the prayers and run little errands for Sister because she was SO MUCH MORE devout than the rest of us little heathens.

She is right though, about it being a dopey question.

Dudleydidwrong

"But I REALLY AM holier than thou, you fuckers!"

thefrontpage

The National Journal announced today, April 19, that the magazine's newest columnist is Ted Nugent, who will be writting his twice-monthly column, "In the Loopiness," starting next week. Also, Nugent's new album, "God, Guns and Abortion," is being released on Tueday, April 24, on Nugent Records. The lead single, and title track, as they say, "God, Guns and Abortion," was released nationwide last week. And Nugent announced yesterday, April 18, that he has joined the Board of Directors of the Susan G. Komen Foundation.

SaintRond

I've said it before and I'll say it again – Consider the words of our Savior, "For thou art PETER and upon this ROCK I shall place my THRONE… Ugh, ugh, ugh…"

Now if that isn't a case of the Bible signing off on gay sex, I don't know what is. SO THERE!!!

"Yes when I put the rose in my hair like Mary Magdelene and wear a plaid skirt like a Catholic schoolgirl Yes and imagine Jesus kissing me in the Garden of Gethsemane and I think well, as well Him as Buddha, and then I ask Him with my eyes to ask again Yes and then He asks me would I let him rule by fiat Yes and I draw Him down to me so He can feel my breasts all Secret strong enough for a man but made for a woman Yes and my pyschosis was going like mad and Yes I said Yes I will Yes!"

1. Suggestion (n.b., to be taken with a grain of salt because I'm a Jew): why don't Catholic Americans start their own Catholic Church? Christianity hasn't had a schism for some time, now, and there seems to be an unbridgeable distance between US Catholics and the Vatican.

Your suggestion is reasonable, however, there's probably a 50/50 split between conservative and 'liberal' Catholics in the US. A less messy solution would be for the 'liberal' ones to to just admit that they are really Episcopalians at heart.

*I'm going to run the Yes thing into the ground so hard that it leaves a smoking crater. I will then fap into that crater, fap to the rhythm of love that is.

Reeseman

Lopez is confusing the English word 'fiat,' as used by Meacham and defined in the comments above, with the Latin word 'fiat' as in 'fiat voluntas tua,' meaning "thy will be done." This makes her the first person in the history of the world to confuse these two words. Seriously.

proudgrampa

What? I don't understand Catholics. It's like they got their own version of everything.

Wile E. Quixote

They really don't. They stole all of their stuff from the Lutherans and Anglicans.