Tuesday, November 27, 2012

I love her, but... GRR

Welcome to the Taboo Carnival. Our topic this Fall is I LOVE YOU BUT I DON’T ALWAYS LIKE YOU! This post was written for inclusion in the quarterly Taboo Carnival hosted by Momma Jorje and Hybrid Rasta Mama. This month our participants reflect on the concept of loving versus liking our children and their behaviors. Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.

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I have a 3-year-old girl who seems "very 3" and an active 10-month-old son that idolizes her. She loves to make him giggle, but she hates it when he grabs her hair. This doesn't seem to stop her from sitting directly in front of him or even dangling her hair at him, taunting him. Then, of course, she screams when he grabs it.

Just this morning, she was emptying his toy basket, playing "with" him when he apparently tried to grab his own toy / basket, so she shoved his head. I flipped out! These kinds of things are happening more and more often. Children around babies have always made me nervous, now I'm living with it Every. Day.

Sasha taunting Spencer with a toy she
doesn't actually want him to have.

I feel like part of my issue is the protective aspect of being a baby's mother. I have to protect him, even from her. I wonder if some of it is just our history of nursing aversion. The gist, though, is it seems like we're going through a stage of my not liking her a LOT of the time!

I think this is normal and see nothing wrong with it. I realize its the things she does that I dislike so passionately, not her specifically. It is very difficult, though, to separate the act from the person. The trick is making sure our children always feel loved.

Miracles into Monsters and Back Again — Amy W at Me, Mothering, and Making it All Work processes the pain and hidden beauty of a gentle mother's greatest weakness - when little miracles act like little monsters!

When Mothers Love But Don’t Like Their Children — Jennifer at Hybrid Rasta Mama muses on the deeper meaning behind loving but not liking one's child. She argues that a mother never stops loving or liking her child. In fact, the dislike is rooted in the behavior and not the person.

Learning to Like and Love — JeninCanad at Fat and Not Afraid divulges the long journey it's been to learn to love, then like, her son.

7 comments:

I definitely think it applies to everyone we love! I love my husband, but man oh man do I dislike some of the things he does! Just as I'm sure he dislikes some of the things that I do.

I only have one child at the moment but my sister in law has two around the same ages as yours, and I am already dreading adding another to our family! We would like to of course, but I can see myself feeling very conflicted about trying to protect the new baby from my first baby...

I think you're spot on though that the trick is simply to make sure that the children always feel loved!!

Hahahahahaha! You crack me up! I am right there with you. Sometimes I think I will explode if one more mess happens or I trip on one more toy. I have no idea how all you mamas of 2+ keep sane. Bless you!

Ohhhh, it drives me nuts when my kids pick on each other! Unfortunately for me, I married a guy who is a "picker." Not only have they inherited that particular quality (some more than others) but they grew up watching their dad tease and antagonize others - especially me. Most of the time, it's okay. I don't typically mind the razzing though sometimes he takes it a little too far. But the kids don't always know where that line is between light hearted teasing and bullying one another and wind up getting carried away. So basically, I feel you quite keenly on this, it'll drive anybody up a wall.

I think it is normal to go through phases of clashing. Our children are growing and sometimes it takes us a bit to catch up and adapt to how we respond. Sometimes it just takes time. Those clashes are *opportunities* for us to connect with our children and grow as parents and people.

Yes! We've got the sibling clashes going on here, too. Like the one where the only interesting toy in the whole entire world is the one Little Brother is holding, oh, noes! And "Here's a toy for you, yittle brudder — but you can't put it in your mouth or get drool on it — and never mind, I need it back now anyway." And screaming ensues…

Then there are the random bouts of screaming from the 1-year-old, and we look toward the 5-year-old, and he goes, "What?" [pause] "I just pushed him in the head."

Yeah. I get where you're at. ;)

Interesting to connect it to nursing aversion, and as you said, I'm sure that's all connected in a larger way to newborn protectiveness.

I can SOOO relate to this. Why does it always seem that the 1 year old only wants the item the 4 year old has, or the 4 year old only wants the item the 1 year old has, and neither wants the other to touch it? Then of course the 4 year old gets frustrated and hits/shoves the 1 year old, so then I go into baby protection mode and things just get ugly.

I suppose it could be considered almost commical sometimes, when I'm trying to be all zen mom when both kids are screaming and grabbing at the same toy. I'll try pulling out the "Hmm, I see you want this toy and you don't want your brother to touch it. And I see that he wants this toy too. What can we do about it?" Of course neither one can hear me over the dueling screams, so what do I do? I get louder and louder, trying to be heard. Until I just get frustrated and put the toy out of reach of both kids, pick up the screaming baby and walk away. sigh. I'm working on it.