Who Said This Game Answers

“My friends, we live in the greatest nation in the history of the world. I hope you'll join with me, as we try to change it."

Roseanne Barr said,

“Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself. “

Jerry Seinfeld said,

“A recent survey stated that the average person's greatest fear is having to give a speech in public. Somehow this ranked even higher than death which was third on the list. So, you're telling me that at a funeral, most people would rather be the guy in the coffin than have to stand up and give a eulogy.”

George Carlin said,

“I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me . . they're cramming for their final exam.“

Bill Cosby said,

“A word to the wise ain't necessary. It's the stupid ones who need the advice.”

Rodney Dangerfield said,

“Yeah, I know I'm ugly...I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'

Abraham Lincoln said,

“Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.”

Hank Aaron said,

“It took me seventeen years to get three thousand hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course. “

Charles Barkley said,

“I don’t create controversies. They’re there long before I open my mouth. I just bring them to your attention.”

David Letterman said,

“New York is great though. If you’re here and want a one of a kind souvenir be sure to take home the police sketch of your assailant.”

Alfred Hitchcock said,

“I understand the inventor of the bagpipes was inspired when he saw a man carrying an indignant, asthmatic pig under his arm. Unfortunately, the manmade sound never equalled the purity of the sound achieved by the pig. “

Kirstie Alley said,

“The reason I went for Jenny Craig is I thought, Maybe I'm not the only one who has stupid reasons for getting fat. “

Mark Twain said,

“Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on or by imbeciles who really mean it. “

Andy Rooney said,

“The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong. “

Yogi Berra said,

“Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.”

Napoleon Bonaparte said,

“Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake. “

Woody Allen said,

“I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.”

Jack Benny said,

“I don't want to tell you how much insurance I carry with the Prudential, but all I can say is: when I go, they go too. “

George W. Bush said,

“I frankly felt like the reception we received on the way in from the airport was very warm and hospitable. And I want to thank the Canadian people who came out to wave -- with all five fingers -- for their hospitality.”

Johnny Carson said,

“If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.”

Benjamin Franklin said,

“Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed. “

George Burns said,

“A good sermon should have a good beginning and a good ending, and they should be as close together as possible.”

Gilda Radner said,

“I'd much rather be a woman than a man. Women can cry, they can wear cute clothes, and they are the first to be rescued off of sinking ships.”

Joan Rivers said,

“Talk about getting old. I was getting dressed and a peeping tom looked in the window, took a look and pulled down the shade.”

Lily Tomlin said,

“Ninety eight percent of the adults in this country are decent, hardworking, honest Americans. It's the other lousy two percent that get all the publicity. But then, we elected them.”

Harry S. Truman said,

“My choice early in life was either to be a piano-player in a whorehouse or a politician. And to tell the truth, there's hardly any difference.”

Chris Rock said,

“You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named 'Bush', 'Dick', and 'Colon'.”

Steve Allen said,

“I used to be a heavy gambler. But now I just make mental bets. That's how I lost my mind.”

“I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.”

Wilt Chamberlain said,

“Nobody roots for Goliath.”

Sonny Bono said,

“Don't cling to fame. You're just borrowing it. It's like money. You're going to die, and somebody else is going to get it.”

Jimmy Carter said,

“For the first time in the history of our country the majority of our people believe that the next five years will be worse than the past five years.”

Dave Berry said,

“If you surveyed a hundred typical middle-aged Americans, I bet you'd find that only two of them could tell you their blood types, but every last one of them would know the theme song from the 'Beverly Hillbillies'.”

Milton Berle said,

“In Washington, a man gets up to speak and doesn't say a thing, and the other men disagree with him for three hours.”

Muhammad Ali said,

“It's hard to be humble, when you're as great as I am.”

Ronald Reagan said,

“Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.”

Bill Clinton said,

“You can put wings on a pig, but you don't make it an eagle.”

Simon Cowell said,

“If you would be singing like this two thousand years ago, people would have stoned you.”

Dizzy Dean said,

“It ain't braggin' if you can back it up.”

Bob Dole said,

“If you're hanging around with nothing to do and the zoo is closed, come over to the Senate. You'll get the same kind of feeling and you won't have to pay.”

Clint Eastwood said,

“If you want a guarantee, buy a toaster.”

Joycelyn Elders said,

“We will give the police safer bullets.”

Bill Gates said,

“Success is a lousy teacher. It seduces smart people into thinking they can't lose.”

“I have come to the conclusion that politics are too serious a matter to be left to the politicians.”

Walt Disney said,

“It's kind of fun to do the impossible.”

John Cleese said,

“If life were fair, Dan Quayle would be making a living asking 'Do you want fries with that?'”

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar said,

“My mother had to send me to the movies with my birth certificate, so that I wouldn't have to pay the extra fifty cents [the adults had to pay].”

Spiro Agnew said,

“An intellectual is a man who doesn't know how to park a bike.”

Tim Allen said,

“Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work or prison.”

Robin Williams said,

“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”

Mel Brooks said,

“If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets.”

Harry Caray said,

“I would always sing it (Take Me Out To The Ball Game), because I think it's the only song I knew the words to!”

Sir Winston Churchill said,

“Men occasionally stumble on the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened.”

Garrison Keillor said,

“Going to church no more makes you a Christian than standing in a garage makes you a car.”

Jay Leno said,

“President Bush appeared with Arnold Schwarzenegger at a huge campaign event. Only in California can a governor who speaks German and a president who can barely speak English try to make themselves clear to an audience that's primarily Spanish.”

Peter Marshall’s Hollywood Squares Question:

"Right after Trigger died, what did Roy Rogers announce he would do?"

Paul Lynde answered, "Dismount."

W.C. Fields said,

“After two days in hospital I took a turn for the nurse.”

Bob Hope said,

“I do benefits for all religions - I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.”

Lewis Black said,

“Let's face it, Americans are fat all year round, but the holidays are when we really hit our stride. And you can bet the food we eat will be just as unhealthy as the families we're forced to visit.”

Erma Bombeck said,

“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.”

Dean Martin said,

“You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.”

Marty Allen said,

“If a man works like a horse for his money, there are a lot of girls anxious to take him down the bridal path.”

Eddie Murphy said,

“I think in twenty years I'll be looked at like Bob Hope. Doing those president and golf jokes. It scares me.”

Conan O’Brien said,

“Yesterday in Egypt, archaeologists discovered the burial site for the 50 children of Ramses II...Fifty children! What I want to know is, who decided to name a condom after this guy?”

Will Rogers said,

“The taxpayers are sending congressmen on expensive trips abroad. It might be worth it except they keep coming back!”

Henny Youngman said,

“I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.”

Alexander Graham Bell said,

“America is a country of inventors, and the greatest of inventors are the newspaper men.”

David Brinkley said,

“Washington, D.C. is a city filled with people who believe they are important.”

Carol Burnett said,

“Are we having fun yet?”

Warren Buffett said,

“It's only when the tide goes out that you learn who's been swimming naked.”

Walter Cronkite said,

“And that's the way it is.”

Thomas A. Edison said,

“Genius is one per cent inspiration and ninety-nine per cent perspiration.”

Dwight D. Eisenhower said,

“Farming looks mighty easy when your plow is a pencil and you're a thousand miles from the corn field.”

J. Paul Getty said,

“If you look after the pennies, the dollars will look after themselves.”

Newt Gingrich said,

“If Thomas Edison invented the electric light today, Dan Rather would report it on CBS News as "candle making industry threatened.”

Zsa Zsa Gabor said,

“I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.”

Adolph Hitler said,

“The greater the lie, the greater the chance that it will be believed.”

Herbert Hoover said,

“About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.”

Alan Greenspan said,

“I know that you think you know what I said. But I'm not sure whether you understood that what you heard is what I meant.”

Buddy Hackett said,

“As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices take it, or leave it.”

Chet Huntley said,

“I used to believe the government was the answer to all our problems. But the . . . government, I've concluded, is now an insufferable jungle of self-serving bureaucrats.”

Tom Brokaw said,

“It's easy to make a buck. It's a lot tougher to make a difference.”

Howard Cosell said,

“Sports is the toy department of human life.”

Groucho Marx said,

“In America you can go on the air and kid the politicians, and the politicians can go on the air and kid the people.”

Steve Martin said,

“First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.”

Dale Earnhardt said,

“You win some, lose some, and wreck some.”

Sam Ervin said,

“There is nothing in the Constitution that authorizes or makes it the official duty of a president to have anything to do with criminal activities.”

Albert Einstein said,

“Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.”

Arthur Godfrey said,

“Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.”