Thursday, March 28, 2013

Getting Stronger

"Nobody has ever measured, not even poets, how much the heart can hold." -Zelda Fitzgerald

"Those who contemplate the beauty of the earth find reserves of strength that will endure as long as life lasts." -Rachel Carson

Those two quotes made me think of all that I have been through in my life,
and all that I have conquered. As a child, I always felt unloved. I actually
have no memories of my mother ever holding me, hugging me, reading me stories,
or telling me how proud she was of me. I look back and I believe that she was jealous
of me; jealous of the attention my father gave to me and not to her or my brother.
She adored my older brother. But my father always found a reason to abuse him verbally
and physically.

No matter how hard I tried to be good, Mama never noticed; or maybe she did and just
ignored me. But my father noticed. He became the monster in my room at night. He treated
me like a princess during the day. At night, I became his victim. I grew up searching
for someone to protect me from the "monsters" of the night. But no one ever came to protect
me. Instead, I learn to fear, to be hypervigilant, to hide myself in plain site.

I am 63-years-old now, and I have come a long, long way from being a victim. My heart has
been broken and mended too many times. My scars are still there, but I am stronger. The wounds
are healing. I prayed about it for many years. With the help of God, my mother and Father
and I made our amends since then. I have forgiven both of them. Before I did that, the past
was destroying me.I was filled with rage, bitterness and self-pity.

I very recently lost my mother. May she rest in peace. She suffered for years with heart problems and arthritis. She and my father were married for 65 years. I never understood why she stayed with him,
and I probably never will. I do know that in their own way, they loved eachother. My father
is still alive. He is 85 and suffers from Alzheimer's. He has good days and bad days.
He and I talk a few times a week. He misses Mom. Sometimes he knows who I am, and sometimes
he doesn't. I live 3 hours from where he lives. That's how it has to be. Although I forgave
him, we have never been close like fathers and daughters should be. But I still love him. That
may be hard for some to understand. I love him, but I don't like what he did. I don't like what
he stole from me. I don't like that he robbed me of a normal, loving relationship with him
and my mother.

The Bible tells us in Matthew 6:14-15

For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.
But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.

Someday, when I meet my Heavenly father, maybe he will say, "Well done, good and faithful servant,"
And I will at last know how it feels to have a loving father.

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About Me

Susan's poems have been published at
http://www.kotapress.com/
http://www.ladybugbooks.com
Another Rainy Day was published by Philomel Books/Penguin Putnam Inc. in the children’s humorous poetry anthology, I Invited A Dragon to Dinner and Other Poems To Make You Laugh Out Loud. Patchwork Memories was published in the Mother’s Day Ideals, and in The Hawkeye Heritage Quilter’s Guild Newsletter of Burlington, IA. Her sonnet Fatal Hand was published in the 2000 Quarterly Journal of the Wisconsin Coalition Against Domestic Violence. Kelly Wallace of Ball State University used Susan’s poems Flight Plans and Trespasser in a Sexual Abuse Group as therapy hand-outs.
Susan's book, Gathering Pearls, A Treasury of Inspirational Poetry, is available through Amazon and other book stores, or by contacting Susan.
Susan was invited to read her poem, I Am The Child at the 6th Annual Child Abuse Homicide Victims Candlelight Vigil in NC on Friday September 28th, 2001. That poem was also used in the Johnson County, North Carolina Child Abuse Prevention Task Force’s Blue Ribbon For Kids Campaign. Her poems about child abuse have been used in dozens of web sites for survivors.