Mark Sanchez: No, no. Should have the old fella up and running in just a second.

(keeps using hand)

Any minute now.

(keeps using hand)

Just a few more seconds.

(keeps using hand)

Won’t be long, I swear.

High School Girl: Do you want me to use my mouth?

Mark Sanchez: Actually, I don’t really like it. I know that sounds insane, but I get really ticklish down there. Plus there was this one girl I was with once who used her teeth too much, and I kinda got post-traumatic stress from it.

High School Girl: Oh.

Mark Sanchez: But don’t worry! I have quite the knack for last second comebacks, if you catch my drift.

High School Girl: I don’t actually know anything about football.

Mark Sanchez: I meant I’d be hard again soon.

High School Girl: Oh.

Mark Sanchez: Okay… almost there… let’s give it a whirl.

(tries to stick it in)

Hang on. Hold still. Just one good thrust and I should be able to stuff it in there.

High School Girl: My head’s hitting the headboard.

Mark Sanchez: Shit. Okay, on three we scoot down. One two three…

(they scoot down)

Maybe if you got on top?

High School Girl: Okay.

(gets on top)

No. No, I don’t think that’s working. Do you need to watch some porn or something?

Mark Sanchez: No. Of course not. Just hang on…

High School Girl: Can I grab a yogurt or something while I wait?

Mark Sanchez: No! I got this.

(keeps using hand)

Come on… you little bastard. Come on!

High School Girl: Hey, I think I hear something outside the door.

Mark Sanchez: It’s probably just someone’s cat or something.

High School Girl: No, I think there’s someone coming.

(door flies open)

Ryan: HOW THE FUCK YOU FUCKIN’, BOYS?!

High School Girl: Coach Rex Ryan of the Jets?

Ryan: Oh, Nacho. Nacho, I’m disappointed in you, son. I never thought I’d have to do this, but from now on your new nickname is FLACCIDO DOMINGO.

Mark Sanchez: I’m kind of in the middle of something, coach.

Ryan: I don’t think you’re in the middle of anything, Flaccido. I’d say you’re at the end of it! The very soft, limp, sad end! Nothing like when I was putting the wood to the missy last night! Oh, you should have seen me, Flaccido. I had my gun holster on and everything! Ever fuck with a 9mm on your hip? EXTRA FIREPOWER!

Mark Sanchez: How’d you know we were in here anyway?

Ryan: From the camera I had installed.

Mark Sanchez: You put a camera in?

Ryan: Jeezum crow, Flaccido! There’s a lockout coming! DON’T YOU GET THAT?! No more football! No more blitzing! No more attacking! No more going out for tits and milkshakes after a win! What the fuck am I supposed to do with myself? I need a hobby, Domingo. I need shit to do! And the missy’s shooting schedule is booked through April!

Mark Sanchez: Look, Coach. I appreciate the concern, but I got this taken care of, okay?

Ryan: No, no, no. You need help, and I don’t walk out on my players when they need help. When they need the proper game plan for FUCKING LIKE A GODDAMN BEAR. Now, this is a fine young woman here. You don’t mind me saying that, do you ma’am?

High School Girl: No, sir.

Ryan: Are you of age?

High School Girl: I’m seventeen. But that’s legal age in New York. I think it’s fourteen in Buffalo.

Ryan: Seventeen! Goddamn! They build seventeen-year-olds like thirty-year-olds now. It’s unreal! Are you sober and what not?

High School Girl: Yes, sir.

Ryan: And you come from a nice family?

High School Girl: My dad runs a hedge fund.

Ryan: Hedges, huh? Well, he does a nice job with the trim.

High School Girl: He’s kind of a dick. I don’t see him that often.

Ryan: Aw, that’s kind of sad. NO GOOD PUSSY SHOULD EVER BE LONELY. Now Flaccido, I think I can help you here.

Mark Sanchez: You can help me by LEAVING, Coach.

Ryan: No, no. I insist. Now, that little taquito of yours is failing to cooperate, is it not?

Mark Sanchez: Little bit.

Ryan: But you’ve used it expertly in the past, right?

Mark Sanchez: Well, I…

Ryan: Oh! Oh! Oh, ol’ Flaccido has hit himself a high note or two! THAT’S GREAT HUSTLE!

(slaps Sanchez on the ass, HARD)

Mark Sanchez: Ouch!

Ryan: Let me talk to your penis.

Mark Sanchez: What?

Ryan: Give me five minutes with it. That’s all I ask.

Mark Sanchez: No! That’s weird!

Ryan: I’m not gonna bite the damn thing’s head off! I just want to talk some sense into it!

Mark Sanchez: This is embarrassing.

Ryan: You’ll thank me when it’s over. I talked to Ray Lewis’ penis after it got out of prison and it did that penis a world of good. You should see some of the church donors it’s plowed through since then. Come on. Let me have a little word with the feller.

Mark Sanchez: Fine. But stay at least a foot away from it.

Ryan: Scout’s honor.

(crouches down)

Okay, penis. You listen to me. I know you’ve had some good times out there. Flaccido told me about that pussy cruise you took in the Bahamas…

High School Girl: What’s a pussy cruise?

Mark Sanchez: It’s not important!

Ryan: You’ve had some success in your past. But a real penis is judged not by his successes, but by how he handles adversity. No one becomes Top Cock without hitting a few bumps on Cooch Road. And you just hit a big one, feller. I know you feel broken down. I know you feel beaten. But it’s times like these when you need to fucking PUSH. When you need to put your self-pity aside and POWER FUCKING THROUGH THAT SHIT! You are a FUCKING WINNER! You hear me? I know you have it in you! I’ve seen you in action!

Mark Sanchez: You have?

Ryan: Yeah, last week. That waitress. You did a great job, by the way. (turns back to penis) I know you think you’re probably done for the night. I know how that feeling of defeat can creep up on you. You think you’re ready to go, only things don’t go as planned and you try so hard to get it all back. You hate yourself when you can’t make it happen. BUT YOU CAN’T WALLOW IN THAT SHIT. Forget about what happened, or what you think should happen. Let it go. Put it behind you. You still have some fight left in you, little Flaccido. I DIDN’T WALK THROUGH THAT DOOR TO COACH SOME GODDAMN LOSER PENIS. You are gonna get in that pussy and you are gonna fucking DOMINATE! You’re gonna ATTACK ATTACK ATTACK ATTACK ATTACK ATTACK ATTACK! DO YOU FUCKING HEAR ME!

NOW BRING IT IN!

Mark Sanchez: Uh…

Ryan: Bring it a little bit in, but not so much that people might get the wrong idea.

Mark Sanchez: (takes very small step forward)

Ryan: Are you ready, little guy? Are you ready to swell with blood and inflate to the size of eight telephone poles? Are you ready to BECOME THE COBRA?! Because I know you have it in you! THE TAPE DOESN’T LIE! You’re gonna nail that vagina, and you’re gonna win! And then we’re gonna go out for lobster tails and teenage pussy!

Mark Sanchez: I already got the second part nailed down, Coach.

Ryan: Who’s gonna turn down seconds? FUCKING HARD ON THREE ONE TWO THREE HARD!!!!

(penis springs up)

Mark Sanchez: Holy shit, that worked!

Ryan: Go get ‘em, buddy.

High School Girl: Uh… no.

Mark Sanchez: What?

High School Girl: You guys are weird. And I have an Algebra test tomorrow. So… yeah.

(gets dressed and leaves)

Mark Sanchez: Well, what the hell do I do now?

Ryan: Don’t worry. That hard-on will last you at least six hours. Personal guarantee. Just call up one of your side dishes and you’ll be ready to FUCKING WIN. COBRA!!!!

Sanchez: What are you gonna do?

Ryan: I gotta use your shitter. Don’t start without me! I call your best watchin’ chair!

Does anybody else think Charlie Sheen and Rex Ryan need to get together? Or Charlie Sheen and Jerry Jones? “Yee-ha that boy is fucking crazy!”

03.03.11 at 9:34 am

italiangator

Drew, as a man who is currently wallowing away a day with a bottle of Eagle Rare (I’m in Europe, it’s slightly more time-appropriate, dammit), let me just say cheers to you for putting the first smile(s) on my face in a solid several days.

Wow, that’s way more personal of a comment than I ever intended to put on the internet. I refer to the first half of the phrase for the reason why “ain’t give a fuck”.

03.03.11 at 9:43 am

Upstate Underdog

One more reason why contact lenses suck. Fuck you contact lenses.

03.03.11 at 9:43 am

Anthony

Where to start?
1) Flaccido Domingo might just be your best ever nickname for anything, Drew.
2) How’d you manage to transcribe all of my high school sexual experiences (minus Rex Ryan, of course).
3) Whenever I get my ass in gear and become a full-time coach, I’m using this exact pep talk. Even if I’m coaching girls.
4) Fuck the lockout. I hope doors never stop flying open. Ever.

03.03.11 at 9:44 am

peeb

flaccido domingo.

03.03.11 at 9:46 am

Doctor Chim Richalds

This needs a “jeez Drew that’s just wrong” tag.

03.03.11 at 9:48 am

Tracer Bullet

I DIDN’T WALK THROUGH THAT DOOR TO COACH SOME GODDAMN LOSER PENIS.

Truer words, Rex. Truer words.

03.03.11 at 9:51 am

Otto Man

Drew, you magnificent bastard.

03.03.11 at 9:54 am

Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer

I talked to Ray Lewis’ penis after it got out of prison and it did that penis a world of good. You should see some of the church donors it’s plowed through since then.
That is so fucking full of WIN! Is there anything or anyone Rex Ryan can’t motivate?

/wipes away tear of joy

03.03.11 at 10:00 am

perpetualjoe

14 in Buffalo. Priceless.

03.03.11 at 10:01 am

ShawnaATL

Sorry Drew, I usually adore you, but I think this is the stupidest, most unsophisticated thing you have ever written.

KSK turned into a hardcore pornography site so gradually we didn’t even notice

03.03.11 at 10:11 am

Jayhawk Marley

(penis springs up)

Sell your stocks in Pfizer now.

03.03.11 at 10:14 am

Brandy Favre's Sudafed

“No one becomes Top Cock without hitting a few bumps on Cooch Road”.
+eleventy eight

Brilliant Drew, just fucking brilliant

/figures that this would be a perfect time for a cocktail and a re-read

03.03.11 at 10:20 am

DancingBaptist

Awesome-ly funny to a bit weird, to funny. Shawna, never criticize free content.

03.03.11 at 10:25 am

Some Guy

So last week Drew rants against contact lenses. And this week he writes about losing a contact in this… manner.

Semi-autobiographical, Drew?

03.03.11 at 10:30 am

Brad Childress, Analrapist

That was weird to start, but it was all worth it for FLACCIDO DOMINGO.

03.03.11 at 10:30 am

I Touchdown There

can’t lie, my heart beats a little faster every time I get to the (door flies open) part.

Love it. WTFG Drew, bravo!

03.03.11 at 10:32 am

Hawkins

she looks….friendly

03.03.11 at 10:39 am

Gern

Oh look, a shooting star…..

03.03.11 at 10:44 am

PepeSilvia

anyone else get a little wood reading Coach Ryan’s pep talk?

03.03.11 at 10:46 am

Rex Ryan: HC of the NYJ

fuck.

yes.

03.03.11 at 10:51 am

Tank Bricklayer

‘High School Girl: My dad runs a hedge fund.’

‘Ryan: Hedges, huh? Well, he does a nice job with the trim.’

HAAAA HAA HAA that’s some funny shit right there.

03.03.11 at 10:51 am

85

If we miss any games next season I’m gonna need this every day.

03.03.11 at 10:52 am

dsl

I’ve been relying more heavily on KSK for shitter material ever since Denton decided to play dirty uncle with Deadspin. So, when I loaded the site and saw Nacho, it instantly became shittin’ time.

Well played and well timed, good sir.

03.03.11 at 10:54 am

jackin'4beats

Even with the anticipation of this post, I was not let down (unlike Flaccido Domingo there). Even penises can’t escape the pep talk wisdom of Rex Ryan.

/loves that his wife’s shooting schedule is booked through April.

03.03.11 at 10:59 am

0tarin

It’s gotten to the point where I don’t even need to read the article; I can just jump down to that gigantic smile on Rexy’s face in the first pic and my day is brightened instantly. God bless that man for taking the happiest photo in the universe.

03.03.11 at 11:07 am

Oshit Umenyiora

Nacho really risking a bought of pink eye there.

/get it?
//because it was in her vagina

03.03.11 at 11:07 am

Oshit Umenyiora

*bout. I need sleep.

03.03.11 at 11:10 am

Tiny Tim Tebow's Long Balls

Rex calls her ma’am and is very respectful… before he sends the pussytube down the river!

Nice job.

03.03.11 at 11:12 am

Enrico Pallazzo

I think it goes without saying that Rex is not worried about Cromartie’s boner.

/get fucked Shawna

03.03.11 at 11:15 am

Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer

The grim reality is starting to set in that CBApocalypse 2011 is mere hours away. I have to make sure to stop at the store on the way home and pick up plenty of canned goods, dry cereal, batteries, and bottled water. I’ve got my makeshift bomb shelter built in the back yard and it’s already got most of the other supplies in it like a flashlight, my Dallas Cowboys Snuggie, the 1971, 1977, 1992, 1993, and 1995 commemorative championship leather bound books, a Steve Sabol See ‘n Say, and my Dallas Cowboys Troll named Jimmy Jones. Luckily I live in the hills so I’ve got the head to high ground part taken care of too.

UCL:[…] I’ve got my makeshift bomb shelter built in the back yard and it’s already got most of the other supplies in it like a flashlightfleshlight, my Dallas Cowboys Snuggie […]

FTFY.
/That took way too much HTML for a stupid joke…

03.03.11 at 11:28 am

AdropOFvenom

The solution seems obvious, get Rex Ryan into that negotiating room and there will be a new CBA within a couple hours. And then pussytubing for all, and Antonio Cromartie ends up with 3 more children.

03.03.11 at 11:33 am

Brittfar's Cell Phone

Are you ready to become the Cobra?

Yes, Coach, yes I am.

03.03.11 at 11:34 am

Mark

I can’t believe people take the time to write this childish crap.

03.03.11 at 11:34 am

Sean

@DancingBaptist, if “never criticize free content” were a rule, then what the fuck would Drew do every Monday?

03.03.11 at 11:36 am

Don Bracken

Flaccido Domingo. I have no words.

03.03.11 at 11:36 am

Otto Man

I can’t believe people take the time to complain about what they consider childish crap.

Your “tsk-tsk” has been duly noted, Your Holiness.

03.03.11 at 11:39 am

Endonatas Motiejunas

“I talked to Ray Lewis’ penis after it got out of prison and it did that penis a world of good. You should see some of the church donors it’s plowed through since then.”

Man, you goin’ to double hell with gasoline drawers on, Drew.

/will be following you shortly thereafter

03.03.11 at 11:39 am

Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer

Mark says:
March 3rd, 2011 at 11:34 am

I can’t believe people take the time to write this childish crap.

What would you have me do while I’m at my job? Work?

03.03.11 at 11:40 am

Mark

I can’t believe people take the time to complain about what others consider childish crap.

Then again I’d expect an Eastbound & Down fan to be into stuff like this.

03.03.11 at 11:40 am

bark

That post saved countless lives. I was going to go the office and go on a shooting spree. After that post, I’m all laughs.
/No need to call S.W.A.T., kidding about the gunplay. Still a damn funny post.

03.03.11 at 11:42 am

Mark

Something funny would be cool….since this is a “humor site”

03.03.11 at 11:43 am

Mark

Something funny would be cool, Caveman….since this is a “humor site”

03.03.11 at 11:43 am

Bugg

No NFL, no titties and no milkshakes. Worse, Mrs. Ryan’s filming schedule is all booked up. For the love of Flaccido Domingo, we are extra crispy fucked.

03.03.11 at 11:45 am

The steeler fan in peru

I think I almost got a boner toward the end…

Wonderful albeit strange work…

And Shawna and Mark, go to the hardware store. Buy 10 feet of rope. Wrap some around your neck, and the other end to a heavy furnishing in your likely shitty apartment. Jump out nearest window.

03.03.11 at 11:47 am

Otto Man

Mark, you might want to re-read the comments here. You and one other person didn’t like it. Fine. Everyone else thought it was hilarious.

That leads me to believe either (a) your last name is Sanchez and this hit a little close to home or (b) you wouldn’t know funny even if Charlie Sheen punched it into your face with his F-18 tigerblood fists.

Seeing how you don’t like Eastbound, I’m guessing it’s the latter.

03.03.11 at 11:51 am

Buddy & Chan's Boys

14 in Buffalo – then I think 4Chan needs to steal KSKREX for the Bills!

03.03.11 at 11:52 am

merctio

I fell out of my chair laughing at this. Twice. Thank you.

03.03.11 at 11:58 am

Eazy - E McCaffrey

Childish crap, huh? Methinks you might be on the wrong Uproxx site.

Bravo, BDD. Didn’t expect this today….

03.03.11 at 11:59 am

Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer

@Mark – I’m sorry that you don’t find the humor here to be up to your lofty standards. May I direct you to the comedy stylings of Dane Cook?

03.03.11 at 12:00 pm

Expired CBA

Just got asked what was so funny by my professor. I didn’t know how to tell him.

Pure blinding WIN.

03.03.11 at 12:03 pm

JE

60 responses, two of which don’t approve – I’d say thats good hustle.

03.03.11 at 12:04 pm

Hawkins

also…more pics of her

/creepy

03.03.11 at 12:06 pm

Mark

Look, dumbasses. Your “humor site” sucks. Nice post about bruising vaginas, the only bruised vaginas I see here are from you regular commenters, who are so special.

Who is Dane Cook? Is he also an Eastbound & Down fan?

03.03.11 at 12:12 pm

Otto Man

I look forward to Mark’s next twelve comments about how he doesn’t care for this site and wouldn’t waste his time on it.

03.03.11 at 12:13 pm

Some guy

Look, dumbasses. Your “humor site” sucks.

False.

Who is Dane Cook? Is he also an Eastbound & Down fan?

Unlikely. I suspect if Cook ever saw something as funny as Eastbound, he would realize what a hack he was and end it.

03.03.11 at 12:16 pm

Zack

I am now motivated to do the job I am paid to do. Thank you, Drew.

03.03.11 at 12:18 pm

Otto Man

Mark,

You should go to the nearest movie theater, find a comedy that’s playing, and start yelling at the audience to stop laughing because you don’t think the movie is any good.

Now, if it’s the Adam Sandler film, you would be correct. But you’d still be an asshole for screaming at them.

Like you are right now.

03.03.11 at 12:18 pm

Upstate Underdog

So I’m guessing Mark didn’t buy Drew’s book.

03.03.11 at 12:19 pm

Brian

I think Mark might be my mother in law.

03.03.11 at 12:20 pm

0tarin

Damn, I stop paying attention for ten minutes to do “work” and I miss out on a bad troll?
[Fingers crossed that he’s still hanging out]

03.03.11 at 12:21 pm

Chad Henne Checkdown Clinic

Mark be trollin’.

03.03.11 at 12:31 pm

Endonatas Motiejunas

I know that this is a football site, but I couldn’t help but poke fun at the folks over in Mormonland for their recent acts of ridiculously impractical lack of moral vicissitude.

BYU: The College Years

Brandon: Vice Provost Abimelech, I have a confession to make.
Abimelech: It’s okay to be a Negro, son. Not everyone’s perfect.
Brandon: No, sir. I mean…
Abimelech: Oh, you forgot to shave this morning? Well, you’ll have to spend some time this weekend in the study hall/sodomy lounge, but that’s nothing out of the ordinary.
Brandon: No…I mean…
Abimelech: Don’t tell me you forgot your holy underwear! NO ONE CAN RESIST THE DEVIL’S TEMPTATIONS WITHOUT THE SACRED UNDERGARMENTS OF THE ANGEL MORONI!
Brandon: I fucked my girlfriend.
Abimelech: Oh. Was she white?
Brandon: Was that a serious question? We’re in Provo, Utah.
Abimelech: YOU ARE SUSPENDED INDEFINITELY FROM THE TEAM. MAY GOD HAVE MERCY ON YOUR INHERENTLY SINFUL NEGRO SOUL.

03.03.11 at 12:33 pm

miamidiesel

@Otto Man, UU, Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer: gentlemen, what do we always say about feeding the trolls? Best to thank them for their opinions before dismissing them back to sucking dick on the corner/their mom’s basement/etc.

Also, is that an actual picture of the 17-year old that Nacho was hooking up with? Because, damn…

/looks to me that if that is the 17-year old in question, she has implants already
//and what does her mom look like, since apparently they were partying together?

03.03.11 at 12:35 pm

Chile Verde

Mark, you double-post to correct yourself yet your “correction” attributed this free piece of internet entertainment to the wrong member of the Gay Mafia.

F- for reading comprehension and being an impotent asshole.

03.03.11 at 12:39 pm

Mark

There’s a book of this? Seriously?

03.03.11 at 12:45 pm

ThePirateSloth

7:45am and I get treated to this? I got penis envy now.

/tries to find local girl
//calls ER after hard on lasts 6 hours

03.03.11 at 12:48 pm

Mark

The last two comments from “Mark” aren’t from me. They’re from a real troll. I’m just a first time reader who stumbled onto this site, checked out this article, and thought it was amazingly lame. But I’ll leave you guys alone now so you can continue your circle-jerk.

03.03.11 at 12:49 pm

FavreFAIL

Poor Mark. All the unfunny sites across the internet that he must visit to tell their followers the truth about their lack of comedy. Such a thankless task. A lofty calling, but thankless nonetheless.

/so, that sex scene at the beginning…is that what straight people, like…do?

03.03.11 at 12:54 pm

ThePirateSloth

Well… besides losing a contact, yes FavreFail. Though I’ve never let something that simple stop me. So what if I can’t see out of one eye, she’ll never notice.

03.03.11 at 12:54 pm

Mark

The first comments from Mark weren’t from me. I’m not a worthless troll, like Mark, who complains about free Internet content.

Later.

03.03.11 at 12:55 pm

Peter King

I have to say that Mark makes some good points.

03.03.11 at 12:56 pm

dAndy

Mark’s real name’s Clarence. And Clarence lives at home with both parents. And Clarence’s parents have a real good marriage….

03.03.11 at 12:57 pm

dAndy

+ fifty-twelve PK

/knows that was probably Mark

03.03.11 at 12:58 pm

Mark

Other Mark, I’m not complaining about free internet content. I didn’t find this funny so that’s what I commented. You guys are pretty uptight to all get so bent out of shape by some negative feedback.

03.03.11 at 12:58 pm

Southeast Jerome

Brava, Drew.

03.03.11 at 12:59 pm

Mark

Check out the witty guy throwing out 8-mile lyrics.

03.03.11 at 12:59 pm

dAndy

I think both Mark’s are the same person because they look just alike in their avatar pics.

03.03.11 at 12:59 pm

Mark

okay….now that avatar joke actually was pretty witty.

03.03.11 at 1:01 pm

Mark

It’s a pretty handsome avatar, I must say.

03.03.11 at 1:04 pm

FavreFAIL

Whoa guys…no need to add to the Mark-on-Mark violence that’s destroying this country.

03.03.11 at 1:05 pm

DancingBaptist

Reading and criticizing PK is not lame. It is penance. Or absolution. One of the two. In any case, PK is the balance to all that is good with the NFL.

03.03.11 at 1:06 pm

SonOfSpam

@FavreFAIL: Well, SOME breeders do that stuff, but I’m mainly in it for the cuddling.

03.03.11 at 1:09 pm

Mark Mark

Cool site!

03.03.11 at 1:18 pm

Upstate Underdog

@FF, yes and sometimes it involves crying.

03.03.11 at 1:23 pm

Monkey Business

“NO GOOD PUSSY SHOULD EVER BE LONELY”

Words to live by.

03.03.11 at 1:25 pm

Spatula

This is brilliant. It’s like the stuff you were writing a couple years ago. Welcome back you pervert, we missed you.

03.03.11 at 1:27 pm

50andstillfly

I laughed, out loud, hard. The 17 year old part made me feel a little guilty, not to mention that when co-workers asked me why I was laughing, I couldn’t tell them.
But I did laugh, hard.
P.S. I think Rex needs to take it to the Boardroom.

03.03.11 at 1:34 pm

Marky Mark

Fack you! Nawt YOU, Fack YOU!

03.03.11 at 1:35 pm

Enrico Pallazzo

I would have also accepted Flaccido Polanco but only if Sanchez was showing some grit and hustle.

03.03.11 at 1:37 pm

Brocky

yes charlie sheen. and any other suedo cool celbrity. And a bit where Ryan brings in Beiber as an example of how not to be famous!

03.03.11 at 1:41 pm

TheSickness

Wow. Flaccido Domingo. Jesus Christ. I lauged so hard… much harder than Flaccido.

03.03.11 at 1:46 pm

RicanRock

OMG “Flaccido Domingo”! Genius!

03.03.11 at 1:50 pm

RicanRock

@Enrico Palazzo……..Domingo is Sunday in spanish, so it kinda applies to Nacho’s “performance” issues

LOL

but the Polanco thing works too

03.03.11 at 2:03 pm

Earl Camembert

I bet you could bounce a quarter off those saline sacks that young missy is sporting.

/not complaining, just figuring it might break the ice with her.

03.03.11 at 2:10 pm

Marcus Aurelius

Looks like I’m late to the game, dammit.

03.03.11 at 2:17 pm

Gumbo the Malificent

God bless you, Drew. One of the worst days of my professional life has been brightened.

/Flaccido Domingo is my new name
//Dick joke

03.03.11 at 2:18 pm

Flaccido Domingo

And there we are!

03.03.11 at 2:28 pm

Mark Cuban

That pauper Mark is a cunt. He will never be allowed to attend any of the Radical Football College Football Tournament games. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to sign Jason Terry to another exorbitant contract extension that he nowhere near deserves.

03.03.11 at 3:02 pm

limpy

mark my words, this post has left a black mark on our reputations as person who always hit the mark mark markitty mark mark mark

03.03.11 at 3:18 pm

Mark

You guys just don’t get it do you? Nothing can be considered funny unless I say it is! See how I disliked this post but approved of the avatar joke? I am the grand jury of internet humor!

03.03.11 at 3:26 pm

ShawnaATL

Don’t writers usually want feedback on the things they write? I am a big fan and long-time reader of BDDs work. I thought this was dumb and unfunny and went on too long.

03.03.11 at 3:33 pm

Martin

Oh, thank you Drew. I really needed me some Sexy Rexy motivation.

03.03.11 at 3:36 pm

jackin'4beats

So is it fair to say that Mark won’t be back to our glorious site? Well on your way out, don’t let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya.

/yeah I’m closer to 40 than 30.
//What are the odds that Mark is from Bahstan?
///Was Mark talking to himself Herschel Walker style?

03.03.11 at 3:38 pm

dAndy

The fact that you liked my avatar joke makes you a loser. I am just unfunny and that was a test to determine your standards when it comes to humor. You, mamm-sir, suxes.

And Mark, eat it. If its so unfunny, stop commenting on the site and go the fuck away already.

03.03.11 at 3:42 pm

Dread Pirate Roberts

Sexy friday came early.

Is she really only in high school? God damn.

03.03.11 at 3:46 pm

Jack Kemp's Hair Part Files

Drew, this was your Phil Simms in Super Bowl XXI performance. Vaults into my top 5 KSK posts of all time, in that rarified happy land occupied only by JT O’Sullivan, our beloved doorbusting Coach, and the Garrett brothers.

03.03.11 at 3:54 pm

nachosanchez

@Jack Kemp, what about the Sex Cannon?

03.03.11 at 3:59 pm

Sean

Jesus, where were all of you when Drew was crying about his loneliness in college?
/seriously, he was in a stadium holding over 100,000 people and not one of them was his friend.

03.03.11 at 4:06 pm

Mr. West Island

Flaccido Domingo. Jeebus, I’m still wiping way tears of laughter. And I’m pretty sure Mark IS actually Charlie Sheen and that coacine gives you X-ray vision or something.

/bought Drew’s book
//off the discount table, though
///shows self out

03.03.11 at 4:16 pm

Steve

“Chad Henne Checkdown Clinic” is a great usename that hits close to home. I mean..if you can’t get the ball to Brandon Marshall, you should probably consider another profession.

03.03.11 at 4:26 pm

Brandon

No one becomes Top Cock without hitting a few bumps on Cooch Road

/words to live by

03.03.11 at 4:36 pm

Purple Jesus

I’m just so glad it’s back

03.03.11 at 4:41 pm

miamidiesel

Don’t writers usually want feedback on the things they write?

Jesus Christ, I don’t even know where to begin telling you what’s wrong with that statement. But I’ll leave it at telling you that that probably doesn’t apply on KSK. Now run along before Ufford’s shotgun decides it wants to have a word with you.

03.03.11 at 4:51 pm

Earl Campbell's Sausage

You know what door flies open? The one to my heart.

Rex is what we all want to be. A dick motivating, for the win, bring it in, ass slapping, foot arches loving fat man. That is the dream.

03.03.11 at 4:58 pm

Moose (Goodell's copy of Machiavelli's 'The Prince')

I’m a little disappointed that there was no reference to teenage but-seks and the high probability that Rexy has lube in a holster on his mic belt.

I agree that a good reference to “Mark” would be Dane Cook, I believe he would REALLY like Dane Cook, I mean *REALLY* like Dane Cook.

03.03.11 at 5:12 pm

Spanky Datass

Several kommenters have already covered the “titties and milkshakes” line already … wait … tities COVERED in milkshakes! Hells yes!

/jealous of UCL

03.03.11 at 5:44 pm

Tim Tebow's "Roommate"

@Mark..

Still cock blocking Nacho from your daughter i see…?

03.03.11 at 7:02 pm

up in the dare

am i too late to the show to pile onto mark?

yes? ok.

peter king sucks.

03.03.11 at 7:10 pm

Chile Verde

These comments need the obligatory: Those tits don’t look 17.

/brushes off hands

03.03.11 at 7:59 pm

Moose (Goodell's copy of Machiavelli's 'The Prince')

I think she was 17 before she started stripping; about five years ago…..

03.03.11 at 8:53 pm

Chereth Cutestory

haha i love that someone called something on this site “unsophisticated” as a form of derision

sooo, I’ll be the asshole: Who is she and how can i see more pics of her?

03.04.11 at 1:28 pm

Me Again

Why can’t someone not like this article? Chill and just let them have their dumb opinions.

What’s even more dumb is the fact that I giggle uncontrollably at the Rex Ryan “oh-ho-ho” picture. It makes my fucking DAY.

Moose, you’re probably the funniest commenter on this site. And no, I can’t name five funnier.

03.04.11 at 1:58 pm

Rando

You might want to try harder at hiding Casey’s identity, fyi. Don’t even want to know how you got that.

03.04.11 at 2:35 pm

Moose (Goodell's copy of Machiavelli's 'The Prince')

@Me Again; I very much thank you for that, also good point. Funny is a very personal thing like movies, music, and food appeals to one on more of an emotional level than a logical one as much as we’d like to think otherwise.

All that being said; if you think I’m funny, you should really start intensive therapy RIGHT AWAY, perhaps even checking yourself into a supervised half-way house. I don’t want you to hurt yourself or anyone around you or make them sick to their stomach with something like:
“A midget fortune-teller escaped from prison. Newspaper headline reads: “Small medium at large”.

03.04.11 at 3:34 pm

SeanPayton'sPlaySheet

Damn! That’s a high school girl? How many times did she fail the tenth grade?