Actors Rosie Huntington-Whiteley and Jason Statham: ‘He’s never had any problems attracting women, and he’s one of the baldest guys around.’
Photograph: Gregg DeGuire/WireImage

In news that will be mostly of no use to anyone but ennui-ridden middle-aged men now contemplating their lost youth in the wake of their own fading good looks, it looks like a potential cure for baldness has been found. Scientists from the University of Manchester used a drug originally intended to treat osteoporosis on samples containing scalp hair follicles from more than 40 male hair-transplant patients, and found that the drug had a impressive effect on hair follicles, reviving their ability to grow.

Seven ways … to avoid hair loss

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Dr Nathan Hawkshaw, the project leader for this vital research, noted a proper clinical trial would be needed to confirm if the drug was safe to use on humans, but said it could “make a real difference to people who suffer from hair loss”.

But hey – whoa there, Dr Hawkshaw. Some of us aren’t actually “suffering” from hair loss. Some of us bald guys are enjoying not having any hair, and see no need for this new treatment, and in fact see you scientists constantly trying to cleanse the world of our rugged, sensitive, yet ultimately hairless look as something of an insult.

Like many of my follicly challenged brothers, I can remember the exact time I started losing my hair. You may not believe it to look at my proudly gleaming forehead now, but I used to have long hair down to my chin, which I’d often dye black or beautiful, shimmering obsidian, which was the fashion at the time (for people into Linkin Park). Yet, slowly but surely, the long black or shimmering obsidian hairs would start piling up on my pillow every morning, and in an act of defiance against what I considered my own biological inferiority, I shaved it all off, and have had a skinhead ever since.

‘Over time, I started to enjoy not having any hair, and am now glad it fell off in the first place.’ Photograph: Janina Samoles

At first, the sting was persistent and vivid, like getting dumped or supporting Arsenal. But over time, I started to kind of enjoy not having any hair, and am now glad it fell off in the first place. Sure, sometimes I look at people like Antonio Banderas and think “Christ, I’d rock the hell out of a slicked-back ponytail look”, but the arduous upkeep of your barnet – styling products, shampoo, conditioner, haircuts, trying to fit it into certain types of hat without looking stupid – far outweigh being able to rock the hell out of a ponytail, or any kind of hairstyle.

Just thinking about the money I’ve saved on going to the barbers alone makes me weep with a weird, nonsensical pride that I can’t grow my hair any longer than Krusty The Clown-style sidebushes. Every time I need a haircut I just get a mirror and my clippers, and go at it – which is quick, painless and involves zero awkward chat with a hairdresser.

And do I any look any worse? Well, guys don’t care if I’m bald or not. In fact, most guys I know either think I look way harder than I actually am, or come up to me and comment on how they wish they could shave all their hair off but can’t because they have decided to cling on to the dying embers of their hairline.

And honestly, I’m no expert about what women want in a man, but I’m pretty sure that a good 90% of them couldn’t care less how much hair you have, as long as you’re not an entitled idiot and respect them as people: kind of like how most interpersonal relationships work really, just with less hair. Look at Jason Statham – he’s never had any problems attracting women, and he’s one of the baldest guys around.

Ultimately, balding is a part of life, because it’s a part of death. Hair-loss treatments and replacements speak to a grim side of us that seeks immortality, of wanting to be young forever. Growing old is just as important in life as being young. In fact, it may be more important, and being comfortable with your body as it ages is a massive part of that.