Waking Up to Success

The other day I saw a guy hanging out on a park bench with a tennis racquet - repeatedly whacking himself in the shin with it. He had a bruise the size of a golf ball!

“Hi there!” I said as I passed by. “What are you doing?”

The guy nonchalantly responded, “Playing with my tennis racquet.”

“Doesn’t that hurt?”

He seemed surprised. “Tennis racquets are great!”

“Well of course they are - for playing tennis, but doesn’t it hurt to hit yourself in the shins like that?”

Now he sounded miffed: “Don’t tell me how to use my racquet!”

I’ll be honest, this didn’t actually happen. I made it up. But the moral is valid either way: Just because something is great (like a tennis racquet) doesn’t mean there aren’t good and bad ways to use it.

Let’s talk about cell phones, tablets and computers - otherwise known as devices. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but many of us are metaphorically whacking ourselves in the shin every day.

​Don’t worry, I’m not saying you should throw out your cell phone, but I AM saying that you can be happier by using it differently.

​​Each day we’re lucky if we have a bit of “me time” - even a small window of time that’s just for us. This is time when we’re not at work, running errands, taking care of kids, or generally “adulting” (not to be confused with “adultering” - which is something entirely different that also messes up your happiness). In the bits of the day that don’t get filled up, we find our hobbies, relaxation, social time, and rest. The time we use for ourselves is vital to our happiness.

Sadly, our screens infiltrating our “me time”, and it’s making us less happy!

I know, it’s hard to leave work at work. And I know, it’s hard to convince kids to limit their screen time.* And I know app developers use advanced marketing tools to keep us hooked like addicts. So unlike the dude hitting himself in the shin, we’re being manipulated from the outside, not by some odd desire for pain. But that doesn’t change the fact that we’re worse off.

Of course screens also enhance our lives, but we tend to use them more for things that take us in the opposite direction.

Atler’s study found that apps related to relaxation, exercise, weather, reading, education, and health tend to make users happy, but we spend much less time on these apps than we do those which tend to make us unhappy: social media, online dating, gaming, entertainment, web browsing, and news. In fact, we’re spending three times more on applications that are making us unhappy! Why?

Atler suggests one reason is because these apps don’t have natural “stop cues” that tell us when it’s time to move on to the next activity. Think of a newspaper, he says: Typically when you’re done reading it, you put it away. We don’t have that same stopping point with many of the apps we use. Our devices come with us everywhere we go and become inextricably linked to us. Think about “getting lost” in the bottomless scroll of social media. Before you even realize it, you’re looking at photos from your cousin’s friend’s aunt’s wedding! And then your “me time” is over.

So, here are some Do’s and Don’ts** to maximize your happiness:

DO integrate stop cues into your life. Anything where you’re shifting from one activity to another could be used as an opportunity to interrupt the tech time. Some of my students use timers on their web browsers to limit time on social media. I’ve sometimes set alarms to ensure I get up and move from my computer.

DO reclaim some tech-free times in your life: Meal times, for instance, could be device-free. Or morning walks. Or meetings. Or your morning work chunk where you don’t want to be interrupted. Put the phone out of sight and out of audible reach, or you’ll still be mentally distracted.

DON’T bottomless scroll. Practice mindful scrolling instead. When you realize you’re mindlessly swiping up, searching for an interesting reason to stay on the device, just stop!

DON’T overuse your device for happiness-stealing things. Minimize social media, online dating, gaming, entertainment, and web browsing. In fact, research says it might be best to eliminate these addictive activities entirely (don’t worry - you’ll find other ways to entertain yourself, keep up to date with friends, and get the daily news), but elimination probably sounds too restrictive for most people, so I’ll temper my recommendation. Set a clear time limit for yourself. Don’t want to? Think you can outwit the happiness statistics? No problem. You’re an adult. Go ahead and whack yourself in the shins!

Here’s a challenge: Over the next week decide on one time of your day - 10-30 minutes to start - that will be tech-free. Stick with it for just a week and see how you feel. You may notice a big difference in your happiness!

Take the challenge and feel free to share your best tips, successes, and failures. We’re all in this together!

*The Canadian Pediatric Society has a great statement on kids and screen time: https://www.cps.ca/en/documents/position/screen-time-and-young-children**Random side note: Believe it or not, the grammar community is divided on how to apostrophize “Do’s and “Don’ts”. I’ve used the least correct but the most visually appealing combination.

Let’s talk about your career for a moment.​It seems like the talk of the day is that you have to LOVE your career. But I don’t think that’s true.

Let’s say there are 2 types of people: People who work for the money, and people who work for the mission. The problem is that too many people didn’t make a choice – they chose a job based on what was conveniently available at the time, and now they’re working themselves to the bone on a pathway that isn’t particularly fulfilling for them

When I left my engineering career to be a leadership facilitator, many people commented on how great it was that I was following my passion. They could tell I really wanted to make a difference. And it’s true: I feel lucky to have a found a role for myself where I get to make an impact on how people think and live. Over the years, I’ve met many others who have aligned their career to what they care about most, and many of these people have become good friends!

But I ALSO have good friends who are living fantastic lives with careers that simply aren’t their passions. They’re skilled, they work hard, and they do a good job, but it’s just not what turns their crank. If you ask about their jobs, they shrug off the conversation and move on to other topics. Instead, they’ll tell you about their outside projects – the concert series they run, the community sports they play, or the book club they’re part of. Some will talk about their volunteer work with service clubs. Still others talk about their family lives.These people see their job as a paycheque. They work for the money in order to support their passions.

​You probably spend about half of your waking hours at your job. As of 2016, according to one study, about 50% of people are satisfied with their current job, and this is an all-time high! By my math, that still leaves 50% of people who aren’t satisfied. Are you one of them? Either way, seems like there’s room for collective improvement.

​​Maybe we’d do well to understand that there are benefits and drawbacks to either path.​

For the people who are working for the paycheque, they not only earn a living enough to survive, but they often make more than enough, so they can spend their excess income on whatever they like to make a difference in the world. They can donate it, or invest it (which empowers others who have ideas and ambition), or buy things that further their wellbeing and the wellbeing of others. These are all great advantages. They can also happily leave work and forget about their jobs, leaving behind the daily grind for their well-earned time off.

The disadvantages, of course, are that working only for the paycheque can be boring, and a fast track to burnout if you have to constantly do stuff that you don’t believe in. Plus, half your waking life is used up doing something you don’t much care about.

While still the minority, there is a growing demographic who are searching for meaningful work that not only provides a paycheque, but also contributes to something bigger than oneself – a movement they can get behind. Following this path certainly has its advantages: It’s indeed more meaningful, more motivating, and more intrinsically rewarding. You’ll probably get to work with other passionate, like-minded people. Plus, you’ll probably do a better job if you’re more invested in the work.

What about the disadvantages? Working for the mission may lower your earning potential. Many not-for-profit jobs can’t compete with the salaries of the for-profit companies. Lower income can put a strain on family life, and it can be discouraging not to have extra money to donate to causes you care about. But even if you ARE making a good salary, you may still find it difficult to separate your job from the other parts of your life, which can be tiring. When you’re truly passionate about the impact of your work, it takes a lot of discipline to turn off the passion and take a rest.

So what’s your situation? Are you working for the money or for the mission? When we make a conscious choice, rather than living by default, we set ourselves up to be happier in two ways:

We get to take ownership of all the benefits of the path we choose! If we love the money, we can make it and spend it with pride in a way that’s right for us! If we love the mission, then we can feel proud of the impact we make each day with how we spend our time and energy.

We get to make peace with all the things we give up by pursuing our chosen path. Once we accept our reality, we can re-align our expectations and give up our needless wanting. A great deal of pain comes from the wanting of that which is unattainable.

​I believe most people genuinely care about how they spend their time. I even think most people want to make a positive difference in the world – whether that is raising a family or changing a policy or solving a problem or serving on a community group or enjoying shared time with their friends.

Your career takes up a lot of your time. So today, try asking yourself this: “How does my career make my life better? Am I working for the money or for the mission?” Feel free to share your thoughts in the comments!

Do you find you’re really good at setting goals but not always so good at accomplishing them? I see it all the time. People are driven and ambitious but they often struggle because they're focused on the wrong things. I saw a demonstration years ago and it stuck with me. Try it for yourself.

Stick your hand straight out in front of you and put your index finger (opposite hand) about 6 inches in front of your nose. Now focus on your finger, and what do you notice about your hand? It goes all blurry. Now focus on your hand, and what do you notice about your finger? It’s all fuzzy, it almost disappears.

Here's the metaphor: your hand is the goal, your finger the obstacle. When you focus on the obstacle, your goal is all fuzzy, but when you focus on the goal, the obstacles seem to vanish.

Obviously, to accomplish anything we're going to have to address and overcome some challenges along the way, but too often we put all of our attention on the reasons why doing something will be hard. And we can talk for hours about all the time, the money, the energy that we don't have. It can be so discouraging that we don't even bother trying.

Whether you're trying to complete a simple project or change the way that you live, focus on what matters most and clarify your vision of success. Focus on the goal, not the obstacle, and you’ll be better able to overcome whatever is holding you back.

They say that money doesn’t buy happiness, but be honest: You don’t believe it!

It seems like almost everyone is out to make a little more money, buy a new this or that, and save a few bucks where we can. With all the attention we put on it, money must have SOMETHING to do with happiness, right?

Right! Having not enough money can prevent happiness. But having enough money (or even having lots of it) doesn’t guarantee you get the happiness you’re seeking. It turns out, if happiness is the goal, there are right and wrong ways to spend your money!

For instance - do you get more happiness by spending money on yourself or spending it on other people?

The answer is surprising!

I recently came across a TED Talk called “How to Buy Happiness” where speaker Michael Norton did an experiment of anti-social vs. pro-social spending (spending money on yourself vs spending it on others). He gave Canadian university students varying amounts of cash and told them which way to spend it, measuring their happiness levels afterward. He did a mirror experiment in Uganda and despite some cultural differences in its application, the results were universal: Spending on other people does indeed make you happier!

Don’t worry, this doesn’t mean you have to donate millions to charity to feel good. They found the effect didn’t change much with the amount you spent, so little amounts have great happiness effects too!

For example, spending $5.00 on a coffee for a friend (or even a stranger) actually makes you happier than saving every penny for yourself. My wife says that one of her favourite gifts was a Starbucks card I gave her because every time she goes she feels like I'm buying her the coffee. I feel great because with no effort at all I have given her something she enjoys! Add that to the coffee’s effect on her happiness, and it’s a great start to the day!

And it’s not that people are unhappy buying a coffee for themselves, but they are less happy than when they are thinking of doing something nice for someone else.

So - nice effect, but does it matter? Turns out it does!Norton’s experiment was also applied to sports teams where he found that pro-social teams were also happier. Sweetly, some decided to pool their money together and buy something fun for the whole team, rather than spend their money on an individual teammate as instructed. I think their experience emphasized the core of what a team really is - working together, looking out for your comrades, defending one another, and putting your ego aside to do what’s best for the group. Moreover, their happiness level was positively correlated to their on-field performance too! Think about what affect this could have on your own teams - your family, coworkers, and friends. How much better could work be when everyone is in good spirits because of a small gesture with a few dollars?And what if “money” is just a symbol for “love” or “attention” or “energy”? Consider days when you’re feeling blue and want to treat yourself. Try this next time: Treat a friend! Use the excuse to reach out to someone in your inner circle! You’ll get a bigger happiness boost, and probably enjoy the social time too!

​Norton’s overall message is summed up this way: “If you think money can’t buy happiness, you’re not spending it right.”

So that’s the research - spending money on others feels good. But I’m curious on your thoughts! Feel free to comment on the purchases that have made you feel the best!

With the twin-prep task list complete, Kathleen spent one full day with nothing to do.

“Why don’t you just let yourself be bored for a while?” Joel asked. “I hear it’s an amazing feeling!”

The gene for boredom was long-ago extinct in the Hilchey DNA, so the twins instinctively set about adding some new projects to the list. Not wanting mom to spend even one more full night being bored, they broke the water at 11pm.

Kathleen, who had just climbed into fresh bedsheets, moving with the reflexes of a cat and all the agility of a dancing goat, miraculously left the sheets fully suitable for the houseguests who were destined to follow.

By 2:15am, the induction was started, and by 1:30pm she was fully dilated. By shortly after 3pm, it was time to head to the Operating Room for the delivery. While everyone hoped there would be no actual operation, it’s standard procedure at McMaster to deliver twins in the O.R., just in case.

It was a real cocktail party in there, and apparently everyone got an invitation: The obstetrician, the OB Resident, the OB student, the midwife and midwife resident, the anesthesiologist, two “Neo-natal” teams of 3 (a team of a pediatrician, nurse, and respirologist for each baby), a nurse for Kath and, we think, 3 other roaming nurses, and another random student observer rounded out the professionals. Although we didn’t see him personally, we think we heard someone selling popcorn and beer. Kathleen and I brought the total count to 19, but the real guests of honour were yet to arrive. As Kathleen was wheeled onto centre stage, spotlights on, and told which two people to listen to (strangely, the husband was not one of the two…), she mustered the energy to quip, “This party is an introvert’s worst nightmare.”

So, on Monday, January 15, 2018, Kathleen pushed out the boy at 3:54pm “sunny-side up” (that’s the technical term for face up…), which apparently is even harder than the face down way (Joel likes to call that way “over-easy” – he thinks it’ll catch on… check the textbooks in a few years). After a brief hello to mom and dad, baby boy, “twin A”, got a quick once-over before calmly settling back with dad. Meanwhile, we hoped that the wiggly-squiggly girl had stayed in place despite her new-found uterine real estate. She did! So mom got to work pushing her out too, and with the path already ploughed through the snow drift, she was out just 13 minutes after her brother, at 4:07pm. Over-easy!

I know – some of you are dying to know the names. But, in order to reduce future searchability of them, and to assuage our own fears about putting kids online, we figured it would be a gesture of kindness to avoid publicly naming them. We’ll let them mess up their own online profiles in their teenage years – no need for us to do it in advance. But both babies were about 7 pounds – the boy a little smaller, the girl a little bigger. And their names are awesome, trust me!

The twins are quick learners – they picked up tandem breastfeeding, and they are generally pretty happy to gaze at each other in the cot. Mom has picked up tandem breastfeeding too (imagine a running back holding a football, except she’s carrying two balls instead of the standard one, and she’s playing on the “skins” team). This has left both of dad’s hands comfortably free to occasionally rub mom’s swollen feet and feed her water. We’re now investigating camelback dispensers, or those really long curly straws. But dad’s favourite thing to do is take off his shirt and lie down with one of the little creatures on his chest. Everyone is in good health and managing well, although Joel says his hip is feeling a little off. That’s probably unrelated.

Although he was a little nervous, our older son, who’s now two and a half, has been a great big brother so far, visiting us in the hospital every day for dinner, sharing stories with friends at school, and even being brave enough to hold his new brother and sister. He has asked many questions, including, “Do they have feet?” and “Could I see their feet?” and “Do they have heads?” No doubt, he’ll have many more questions in the coming weeks.

As we were visited in our room by midwives and doctors and nurses and audiologists and lactation consultants and probably other professional people we can’t remember right now, and as we think back on the cocktail party in the O.R., we can’t help but feel lucky that we’ve paid zero dollars for the privilege of this help. Actually, that’s not true. We had to pay $42.38 for the breast pump kit. What a privilege to live in Canada.

Grandnan, with the help from a few Grandmas and Grampa, helped by holding down the fort at home with our son, AND bringing special meals – we were definitely the best fed patients in the unit! We headed home four days later, and we've been trying to get into a routine with some new projects on the task list!

​We’re grateful for the three healthy babies we’ve been able to add to planet earth, but for those of you wondering, the project list does not include any future fetus production or O.R cocktail parties. If we seem a little tired for awhile, now you know why!

Hi, I'm Joel! How many times have you heard somebody say, “I know I should do it, but I just can't get motivated to start”? I feel like that all the time. You know, whether I'm trying to sit down to write or get organized to go outside and play with my son, there always seems to be a high level of inertia that makes it easier to just keep doing whatever I was doing before.

But a funny thing happens - if I can just break through that inertia in some small way and start, all of a sudden it doesn't seem so challenging anymore. It’s like standing on a dock waiting to jump into a lake: you can stand there and psych yourself up forever but as soon as you lift off, it feels easy. With my writing, as soon as I can start typing, even if it feels like I'm typing garbage, I'm more motivated to continue. And with my son, if we can just get our shoes on and get out the door then all of a sudden momentum is on our side.

This is an illustration of one of the best success insights that I’ve ever heard: motivation follows action, not the other way around! And a lot of people believe the opposite, they think you have to feel motivated in order to do something, but my experience suggests otherwise. In reality, we start to do something and then we feel motivated to continue. And it's kind of wonderful, don't you think, that we don't have to feel a certain way in order to act? We can just make a choice.

So the next time you catch yourself saying, “I need to find some motivation,” try taking an action. Whether you're trying to start that new project or get out the door to go to the gym, take an action. It might just be the best way to find the motivation you're looking for!

If you’ve ever tried to lose a few pounds, you’ve probably learned that it isn’t easy to do.​A friend’s uncle has been struggling with his weight: “I’ve tried literally everything to lose it,” he said, “short of diet and exercise.”

At the risk of over-explaining and ruining the joke, it’s funny because everybody knows that diet and exercise are how you lose weight. The problem is, what everybody knows is wrong – or, at least, half wrong.

It turns out that exercise is a lousy way to lose weight. Diet is the MUCH bigger factor. Some say the formula is 90% what you eat, 10% what you do.

The punchline really should be, “I’ve tried literally everything to lose it, short of diet.” (Somehow, though, this doesn’t seem as funny). I won’t hold my breath for the joke to change, but it’s worth correcting the idea, because it’s making people focus on the wrong stuff!​You can do the math on calories if you want (a 30 minute hard run for a 180 pound person burns about 500 calories), but the research shows that the TYPE of calories you consume is actually much more important. Sugary drinks, for instance (even so-called “healthy” drinks like fruit juice or that delicious Arizona Iced Tea) are absorbed so quickly that your body has no choice but to store the sugar as fat. Insulin spikes, insulin resistance goes up, your risk of metabolic syndrome increases, and to add insult to injury, you still don’t feel full!

​There’s lots of scientific data here, but stories are more compelling, and you don’t have to look very far to find them. Someone in a workshop last year recounted how he had spent 20 years going to the gym for 2 or 3 hours, at least 4 times a week, but he continually struggled with his weight. But then he made a big change in his approach, and he was happy to say he had lost over 40 pounds in 3 months! What’s his secret? He cut out sugar.

Now don’t get me wrong: I’m not saying we shouldn’t exercise at all. The truth is, we shouldn’t exercise to lose weight. We should exercise for our wellbeing!

Perversely, being inactive may contribute to gaining weight, but being MORE active doesn’t necessarily help you lose it.

Personally, I’m one of the lucky few that has never struggled with my weight, but I have absolutely struggled to stay active amidst a busy life. From youth through university, I played sports, went to the gym, walked, rode my bike, and generally felt good. BUT, after I graduated, my physical activity slipped away – especially the cardio parts. I’ve made tons of excuses. Too busy, not close enough to the gym, no squash partner, bad weather. Here’s what I know: I feel better when I move.

Exercise regimes are hard to stick to, and when our goal is simply to lose a few extra pounds, we risk giving up a perfectly great habit when the scale doesn’t change. I’ve only recently figured out that running with a friend is the best way for me to stick with it – the social pressure helps me get out the door!

​We all need to find the motivators that will help us stay active, because exercise has some really well-defined benefits that AREN’T related to losing weight. It turns out we feel really good when we use our bodies! Conversely, sitting on our butts all day is a shortcut to disease and misery.​Regular exercise can help with depression, anxiety, stress, ADHD, and more. It’s been shown that PTSD symptoms can be helped with exercise, especially when combined with a mindfulness component. For me, a particularly strong motivator is that exercise hugely reduces your chances of getting dementia in later life. In fact, there is a whole list of other non-weight-related benefits:

Stronger Immune System: You’ll get sick less often.

Clearer Thinking: Endorphins that make you feel ​good also help your brain function.

Lower Stress: Exercise breaks the cycle of muscular tension and can provide a mental distraction

Better Sleep: Firing up the body earlier in the day will help encourage healthy sleep patterns.

More Energy: Even as you use your energy for exercise, your body will make more energy available for you to use! You’llfeel great.

My wife is an introvert. It doesn’t mean she’s anti-social - she still has great friends! Being introverted just means you get your energy from being on your own. Introverts are drained by spending time with other people, especially large groups. Extroverts, on the other hand, are energized by other people.

Despite knowing that she’s an introvert, she often feels pressure to “go out and have fun” with other people. She has a hard time expressing it to others, but sometimes she just needs to stay in.

Part of this pressure, it seems, comes from a societal idea that we have to be “doing stuff” to be having fun. People who stay in are perceived as “boring” or “lazy” or both! My wife sometimes admits like she feels like a “fun killer” because she doesn’t want to go out.

I think this is a problem. And truth be told, it doesn’t just apply to introverts. I feel the same pressure! I like to spend more time with others than she does, but I have days where I’d just rather lay in bed or hang around the house and do nothing in particular. For me, this bumps up against my own personal sense of “needing to be productive”. I feel like if I’m not doing something, I’m wasting time. Society praises people who “put themselves out there” and “make big sacrifices” to get stuff done. Whether giving up sleep, friendships, health, or downtime, you can still be highly regarded because you’re getting stuff done!

Society, it seems, is biasing our perspective on what constitutes a valuable way to spend one’s time. But is our productivity and constant “going out” actually making us happier?

When I did my values exercise,“calm” came up as one of my top five, AND it was one of the things missing from my life. I get so excited by new opportunities, activities, and people that I forget that I still need downtime. Personally, my sense of calm often comes from creating a little more buffer time in my schedule. When I have more room to just “do nothing”, I really notice a change in my mood and mental health.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about what success means to me, and I realized that my perceptions – the idea that downtime is wasted time – are getting in the way of my own happiness! Furthermore, my wife’s perception that her need for downtime makes her “boring” means that she feels conflicted about those times when she is most calm and content. How annoying is that?!

Hopefully you’re also thinking about what success means to you. Do you need more downtime? Would having a little more buffer make you more successful? Would having some unstructured time with your family make you a little happier? Would saying no to a few invitations make you more appreciative of the times when you do go out?

Maybe downtime isn’t your problem personally? Think about your partner or friends and make sure you aren’t accidentally forcing them to negotiate their much-needed downtime to be social all the time. Your intentions might be sincere, but many introverts, just like my wife, have a hard time letting people know when they feel conflicted about high-energy activities.

It seems like as the speed of life increases, we could all use a little time to reflect on how we think about our downtime. Are we putting too much pressure on ourselves to be constantly productive? It’s not that “being busy” is necessarily bad… but maybe we’re undervaluing the very thing that gives us energy for the best bits of life? Or maybe moments of downtime – when we are fully present, calm, and content – could actually BE the best bits of life?

​On the path to achieving success, our legacies are very important to us. We want to know that all of our hard work is amounting to something meaningful – something that will outlast our own lives and impact the lives of others.

But too often the day-to-day jobs and tasks get in our way. We get distracted by the stress of daily life and lose sight of our loftier goals. Sometimes, I feel like it’s all I can do to get the weekly groceries. Add to this the natural pushback to thinking about dying, and it’s a recipe for avoiding one of the most important things you could be thinking about: What do you want to be remembered for?

Years ago, I discovered a simple exercise that was hugely powerful, and I’d love to share it with you!

​Lux Narayan’s quick and funny TEDTalk describes what he learned by analysing 2000 New York Time’s obituaries of both of famous and non-famous individuals. He discovered that one of the significant overlapping qualities seen in these obituaries was quite simple - “help”. A marker of a life well lived was that they used their skills to improve the lives and experience of others.

Seems simple, right? Want to increase your impact? Start helping more often. How do we reconnect to our own unique way of helping?

Here’s the activity: Write your own “dream” obituary! Put down on paper what you want people to say about you when you’re gone. It may seem a bit morbid, but in my experience, there’s no better way to clarify what matters than by forcing yourself to write down some words or ideas. Don’t worry if it seems unrealistic right now. Take your time and be honest about what you’d LIKE people to say. You don’t have to show anyone else – it’s just for you.

If the words aren’t flowing, or if the prospect of your own death is too much, try this: Imagine three people were being interviewed about your life – maybe 10 or 20 years from now. You could imagine, perhaps, a friend, a colleague, and a family member. What would you want them to say?

After you’ve got some words on the page or ideas in your mind, try to sum it up for yourself: In what way do you really want to help people?

Now that the picture is clearer or the impact you want to create, ask yourself how you’re achieving it. What are the most important things you do? Are you making enough time for what matters most? Are you off track? Don’t panic! There’s no time like the present to start making the difference you want to make!

You might try thinking about specific parts of your life – your family life, your job, and your community life, for instance. Do you have a set of professional skills that you could use to support people who lack this expertise? You might consider joining a volunteer Board for a local non-profit. Or maybe you have skills that would be useful in a classroom, hospital, or building site that needs an extra pair of hands.

Could you encourage your business or family to help out in some extra way? Charitable donations? Service projects? Educational efforts? Or even just quality time spent with loved ones so they know they’re important.

Often, we’re remembered most for the small things we do, so don’t get overwhelmed. Focus on a few small things, and ask yourself how you can be more helpful and have more fun all at the same time!

The important thing to remember is that legacy doesn’t happen overnight. If you make small changes and efforts now to help more people, it will build and grow into something amazing.

Here’s a nice bonus: Even if your efforts to help are overlooked; even if your random act of kindness forever remains a mystery to the world; even if, for one reason or another, your obituary is published without mentioning the many forms of “help” you provided, it doesn’t really matter. YOU still get the pleasure and satisfaction of knowing that you acted on what mattered most.

​Let’s face it: most of us have an unrealistic fantasy left over from elementary school: A part of us wants to be best friends with everybody!

Do you ever feel disappointed when you don’t get an invite to something? Do you feel guilty about not keeping in touch with your university pals? I mean, how many friends can one person really have?

​A few years ago, I started asking this question. My wife and I were both social people, but she had many more “close” friends than I did. In the years after university, she regularly spent a couple hours every night on the phone with people. When we started dating, she noticed that she had less time for her friends, and she started to feel really guilty about not keeping in touch like she used to.

It wasn’t that she stopped liking the people… she just had fewer hours available for them. Naturally, I was the beneficiary of her shifted priorities, but I noticed the same thing happening to me. I enjoyed the time with my new partner, but I too felt guilty that some of my friendships were drifting apart.

I started to notice my friendship circles changing with every life change: As I changed jobs, changed hobbies, or moved, for example, my friendships seemed to shift. Was I just not trying hard enough to keep up these relationships? Was there something wrong with us? Were the friendships not as strong as I had thought they were?

My engineering brain needed to somehow visualize this system of friendships. I needed a model that helped explain all the different things that were going on. I started to research.

Here’s what I found.

It turns out people write more about manager-employee relationships than they do about personal friendship capacity. Lots of people wanted to know about how many direct reports a manager could have, and it seemed to vary from just a few up to about 40 (though that was a rare opinion).

The consensus was simple: It took time to manage well, and since time was limited, there was indeed a theoretical maximum. It seems that many people have between 3 and 8 direct reports, and that seems to work okay for most. Perhaps we have a similar limit with close friends?

I did manage to find one article – as essay from a book, in fact – that addressed the question of friends. Robin Dunbar, an evolutionary anthropologist did some looking at the relationship between primate brain sizes and social group size, and he found a relationship: the bigger the brain, the bigger the community. He proposed that our brains may in fact have limited capacity to know other people in detail. Someone actually gave his finding’s a name: Dunbar’s Number, which is about 150.

In addition to the cognitive challenge of keeping track of all those people, relationships take time and investment. In his words, “You have to DO stuff together in order to build a relationship, and the quality of the relationship is proportional to the amount of time you invest in it.” Again, because there are limited hours in the day, there’s a theoretical maximum.

Dunbar says there seems to be a consistent pattern, and it scales roughly by a factor of 3 each time: 5 Intimates, 15 Good Friends, 50 Close Friends, 150 Friends. He supposes that the numbers continue beyond that: 500 acquaintances, and 1500 people who you could put a name to a face. Plato even proposed that 5300 people was the ideal size for a democracy. As the circles expand, more people are included, but the quality (or closeness) of the relationship decreases.

​Even if those are all rough, approximate numbers, it gave me the visualization I was looking for! It seemed reasonable to me that there was a limit to how many “close friends” I could have. A romantic partner would probably bump out another intimate, and the partner’s friends might bump out some good friends!

As life unfolds, when we change our hobbies or location, for example, the way we use our time changes too, and our social circles change to follow suit. My wife and I are already feeling the shift as our son enters pre-school. It’s natural!

I decided to draw out my own social circle rings, and name those that were closest to me. It was a revealing exercise! I realized that when my time was limited, I was often neglecting the relationships that I valued the most – the exact opposite of what I wanted to be doing. While it may be elementary-school Joel’s dream to have 100 “best friends”, this activity definitely helped grown-up Joel realize it’s an impossible dream.

Give it a try for yourself – sketch your inner circle, your Saturday night buddies, your good friends, community pals, and keep going. Does it make you notice anything?

For me, it was actually really inspiring to see so many names of great people in one place! There were too many to keep up with regularly (goodbye guilt!), and I started feeling more appreciative of all my friends, regardless of how “close” they were. Everyone has a role to play, and I know I play many different roles for others too!

Ultimately, clarifying who was in my inner circle helped me prioritize my time and energy better. I hope it will do the same for you!