Bean dip..how to deal with people who question your parenting style

Heather - posted on 01/11/2009
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2 moms have responded
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Hi All, I got this in an email from another group and thought it was worth passing along..."Bean Dip"

It's something I've learned in my years of parenting usingalternative ideas. The specifics may change, but the principaldoesn't. When setting boundaries, people (often moms) typicallyconfuse setting the boundary with trying to convince the other personabout how right they are in needing to set the boundary. In settingboundaries, we don't need to convince the other person we are rightand they don't have to agree about the boundary. We just need to beprepared to enforce the boundary, at any cost, using progressivelymore firm responses (if need be).

I've found new moms often confuse boundaries and trying to convincesomeone of the *rightness* of their choices.

The best thing is to assert your boundary and *not* try to defendyour choice.

Some family and close friend help.....

First, I learned early on that most of my choices were on a "need toknow" basis. Most people don't "need to know". If asked "how is thebaby sleeping?" Answer: Great! Thanks for asking! Want some bean dip?

"Are you sure you should be picking her up every time she cries?"Answer:"Yes! Thank you! Want some bean dip?"

Now, with some people you will need to set *firm* boundaries. Theywill need to be backed up with action (like hanging up, leaving theroom or even the event). If it's a pattern of intrusion, for example.Practice kind but firm responses:

"I know you love us and the baby. We are so glad. Our sleepingchoices have been researched and made. I will not discuss it again"

Also, don't confuse setting boundaries with trying to convincesomeone of the rightness of your choices. New AP moms often strugglewith this. The boundary is that no one else has a right to tell youhow to parent and create a hostile environment. You set boundaries bydoing the above. Where new moms often invite problems is by citingauthors, studies and sites to "defend" themselves. Each time you doso, you create more time for discussion and rebuttal and send themessage that your decisions are up for debate. Don't defend yourchoices beyond generalities, and then only once or twice. "The doctoris in support of our choices. Want some bean dip?"

Finally, look them in the eye and say simply "I want us to have agood relationship. I want you to *enjoy* the baby. I'll parent thebaby - you enjoy them. Let's not discuss this anymore. If you bringit up, I will leave the room.