The thoughts and perceptions of an aspiring writer on life and the world around her

Monthly Archives: January 2015

Let’s get one thing straight. Action figures are basically dolls, no matter how you look at it. Sure you may not treat them like a baby doll but c’mon, the inspiration for G. I. Joe was Barbie. Not to mention, they can sometimes have hair and removable clothes as well as have moveable parts. But unlike most of the traditional dolls you think of, they’re mainly for boys (but could be for either sex) usually consisting of superheroes and popular characters from their Saturday morning cartoons. I know franchises love selling action figures since it gives them lots of money in more ways than ticket or DVD sales. Merchandising popular media was partly the reason why Disney has become the conglomerate it has.Of course, we all had them at one time in our childhood or another. Nevertheless, while some of these figures I’ll show might be remnants from your childhood, others go on the unconventional of what many would see what an action figure could be. And some of them will tend to make you question their very existence. So without further adieu, here are some wonderful and not so wonderful action figurines you might want to see.

1. From the Six Million Dollar Man, we have the Bionic Bigfoot.

You can press Bionic Bigfoot’s crotch to reveal his insides. Nevertheless, this basically the closest thing you’ll find to a Sasquatch Beast than anything you’d see on The History Channel.

2. Sail the high seas robbing merchant ships with the notorious Bristol born pirate Captain Blackbeard.

Of course, he comes with multiple guns and a big ass 17th century sword. Nevertheless, unlike the real Blackbeard, he doesn’t set fire to his beard, contract STDs, or shoot members of his crew (allegedly). Also, though not a nice man, his cruelty might be exaggerated for publicity’s sake.

3. Give your son a male nurse action figure to encourage him in the nursing profession.

Comes with his own stethoscope and X-Ray. Nevertheless, even if a boy does have aspirations of being a male nurse, I highly doubt he’d want this action figure. Seriously, I applaud for trying to bring down gender stereotypes but boys will still find this one lame.

4. Introduce your kids to the first and world’s greatest escape artist, the one and only Harry Houdini.

Comes with his own chair, handcuffs, straitjacket, rope, and leg irons. Of course, the only thing that he can’t escape is a burst appendix in 1926. Then again, he basically inspired such “magicians” as David Blaine and Criss Angel.

5. As far as writer action figures go, nobody could beat the wit and witticisms of Oscar Wilde.

Of course, he will kick anyone who’d mess with him with his pimp cane while dressed in his flamboyant Victorian outfit. Nevertheless, his witticisms won’t protect him in the 1890s when he’s outed and imprisoned for homosexuality.

Sure he comes with his own seat. Yet, most of the time you’ll find him at church all day as the organist which means he has to sweep the floors, instruct the choir, and compose a new cantata by Sunday. All while supporting a family that would have 10 out 20 children survive to adulthood. Yet, he won’t get any recognition of his music until Felix Mendelssohn discovered him in the 1800s.

7. Recreate the world of Prohibition and the 1920s underworld with gangster Lt. Commander Data?

Seriously, why have an android in a 1920s gangster outfit with his own gun, glass, booze bottle, and typewriter? Did Next Generation have a 1920s Prohibition episode? I mean at least 1920s action figures of Kirk and Spock would make more sense.

From io9: “If modern Batman refuses to use firearms, shouldn’t medieval Batman refuse to resort to archery? Just saying.” Yeah, I guess this person has a point. Nevertheless, he does have a big ass longbow. Still, wonder why they don’t have Batman as a medieval knight. I mean wouldn’t it make more sense to have him be one instead of one of Robin Hood’s Merry Men?

9. Kick ass in medieval and Warring States Japan with this Samurai Batman,

From Amazon: “The legendary figure of Batman existed in ancient Japan as Samurai Batman, a brave and strong warrior who pitted his skills against the evil warlords, or “daimyo”. Armed with his powerful, slashing “no-dachi” sword and protected by a customized samurai armor costume, Samurai Batman swept across the countryside, cutting down villainy and protecting villages at every turn. On the battlefield, Samurai Batman could always be identified by his “hata-jirushi” banner which streamed behind him in every conflict, striking fear into the hearts of his opponents. Samurai Batman’s glittering new metallic costume dazzles his opponents, allowing him precious seconds to strike!” Really, protecting villages? I mean samurai were the daimyo’s vassals. Still, I think “Ninja Batman” would make more sense since most Japanese ninjas were samurai anyway.

10. For those who love the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and westerns, you will love this Bandito Michelangelo.

This is sort of a cross between TNMT and The Treasure of the Sierra Madre. And I can see Bandito Mike say, “Badges, to god-damned hell with badges! We have no badges. In fact, we don’t need badges, cowabunga, dude!”

This would’ve been a perfect toy for Schroeder from Peanuts since he’s a big Beethoven fan. Still, he’s basically the quintessential great composer known for going deaf, having messy digs and poor hygiene, violent mood swings, and a possible death from lead poisoning. Ear trumpets not included.

12. These sports playing Spiderman action figures will do well with any boy on your list.

For one, Spiderman is supposed to be Peter Parker who is better known for getting bullied by jocks than actually be one. Secondly, if Spiderman played sports, he’d do it as Peter Parker without the suit on in the first place. Also, I’m sure radioactive spider venom is an illegal performance enhancing substance. Seriously, why do these figures even exist?

13. Free the Hebrews of Egypt and let your people go with this action figure of Moses.

Comes with Ten Commandments and staff. Staff doesn’t change into snake nor does it part the Red Sea. Yet, don’t put him near any Golden Calves. Also, has a very nasty temper.

14. There’s never a problem that can be solved with Nancy Pearl Deluxe Librarian Action Figure.

Comes with her own computer, book cart, and book collection. Of course, you must keep quiet around her at all times since people are trying to read at the library, you know.

15. Make sure your action figures have their needs met with this school lunch lady action figure.

Comes with lunch counter, scoop, food tray and 9 lunch stickers that includes fish sticks and jello. Yet, keep in mind that she possesses a secret superpower called, “mystery meat.”

16. No one can ever cross the wretched lair of the crazy cat lady.

This animal hoarder comes with 6 different kind of cats besides the one on her neck. Of course, it’s unknown whether they’re fixed or breeding into the feral population. Yet, expect to see her on the evening news when she gets arrested for animal cruelty.

17. For the aspiring business major in college, an action figure of marketing guru Seth Godin makes a great gift.

Comes with a self-help book and mismatched socks. Of course, he’s a real guy who’s actually wrote a bunch of books and has a blog as well as a website called Squidoo. So yes, he’s real.

Yes, they have a French Taunter action figure, too! Sure nothing would make it any better than to have it say things like, “I don’t want to talk to you no more, you empty-headed animal food trough wiper! I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!”

Comes with his own battle gear, soldier helmet, machine gun, dove, and golden crown of thorns. Okay, you know Jesus came to this world to advocate peace, right? So why is he full decked in camo and battle gear? I mean you don’t wear all that for dove hunting.

21. Be all dressed to pick up chicks at your fancy dress masquerade with this Casanova action figure.

Comes with his own pull away mask that he could put on in his tireless pursuit of adventure. From Amazon: “Giovanni Giacomo Casanova was a soldier, an author, a spy, a gambler and a librarian. But all of those things pale in comparison to his reputation as a lover. His memoirs contain detailed accounts of his intimate relations with over 100 women!” Unfortunately, sexual conquests and memoirs not included. Yet, I’d rather have this guy than Christian Grey or Edward Cullen despite the possibility Casanova may have STDs.

22. Bring in the Spirit of the French Revolution with this action figure of the Austrian born French Queen Marie Antoinette.

Comes with a removable dress, removable wig, and removable head. Of course, though a subject of great controversy with her extravagant lifestyle (though not the only one to blame), she was more of a scapegoat since she knew nothing of her incompetent husband’s policy. All the bad stuff said about her was just all French Revolution Era propaganda.

23. Travel down on the farm with Farmer Donatello and his wife-beater wearing crow on his tractor.

Comes with a scythe, pick, tractor, and wife-beater wearing crow. Still, why does Donatello have a corn cob pipe in his mouth? Aren’t cartoon superheroes supposed to set a good example? Still, this is pretty lame.

24. Travel back in the Stone Age ring with this Rocky II caveman action figure.

Comes in a saber tooth tiger outfit equipped with his own club. Of course, when you think about it, Stallone really can be a convincing Cro Magnon but that’s all I can say about his acting range.

25. Have an Hawaiian adventure with “Chuckles” G. I. Joe.

Or as I call it, “G. I. Joe attending a Jimmy Buffet concert.” Yes, soon he’ll be wasting away again in Margaritaville. And possibly the only adventure he’ll go on is searching for his lost shaker of salt.

So there you go kids, the Penguin’s henchmen are actually real penguins with little penguin weapons they could use. Well, until they have to back to their breeding grounds and pass eggs to each other. Of course, Cracked may have it right saying, “There’s no way enough of these toys sold to offset the cost of the liquor it took to design them.”

27. Go undercover with Ravishing Reporter April O’Neil in the seedy underworld of prostitution, which is an adventure that doesn’t include the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

28. Paint your masterpiece with the help of this action figure of the tortured artist Vincent van Gogh.

Comes with an easel, 4 paintings, a frame, pallet, paintbrush, and 2 detachable heads. One of the normal van Gogh and one after he cut off part of his ear. May suffer from malnutrition, violent mood swings, money problems, and suicidal tendencies. Available until he gets shot in an open field.

29. If you bring your loved one a shrubbery, perhaps a Knight of Ni action figure would do nicely.

Comes with antler helmet, fur outfit, and herring. Shrubbery not included. Still, those who hear the Knights Who Say Ni seldom live to tell the tale! I mean they’re keepers of the sacred words Ni, Peng, and Neee-wom! Still, if they try forcing you to cut down a tree with a herring, try saying “it.”

30. No Catholic boy who’s had his First Holy Communion should go without an action figure of His Holiness himself.

Comes with a holy cross kali stick, a Walther PPK handgun, and wearing a Vatican assault uniform? Jesus Christ, why the fuck does this exist? Seriously, the Holy Pontiff doesn’t even have all that stuff! Still, I’d love to sent one of these to Pope Francis to see what he thinks. Probably would give the holy facepalm. I mean this goes against everything the Holy Office stands for.

31. For the psychology major in your life, why don’t you give them an action figure of Dr. Sigmund Freud?

Comes with cigar, couch not included. Also, said to talk saying, “Tell me about your mother.” Amazon states, “Put him on your desk or nightstand to inspire you to explore the depths of your unconscious and embrace the symbolism of your dreams. ” Creepy. Also said to be very into cocaine.

Comes with baton, an ego the size of Germany, and rampant antisemitism. Nevertheless, don’t make his fandom among the Nazis discourage you. Still, you can hear his music in a famed Bugs Bunny cartoon.

33. For you girls who enjoy literature from the British Regency, here’s your own one of a kind Jane Austen action figure.

Comes with book, writing desk, and quill pen. Mr. Darcy and Lizzy Bennett not included. Also available in pink. Nevertheless, if you think Pride and Prejudice and Zombies was controversial, you should’ve seen the British establishment in the early 19th century when she came on the literary scene. I mean they thought the idea of a female novelist was an outrage.

34. Revisit all the very bad stuff about Victorian England with this one of a kind action figure of Charles Dickens.

Comes with his very own quill pen. Oliver Twist, Tiny Tim, Little Nell, Wackford Squeers, Sidney Carton, Uriah Heep, Miss Havisham, Little Dorrit, and Ebenezer Scrooge not included. Also, has a bunch of kids and leaves his wife for some actress. The jerk.

35. Relive the vibrant culture of Renaissance Florence under the Medicis with this action figure of Renaissance man Leonardo da Vinci.

Comes with paintbrush, 4 paintings, frame, and easel. Last Supper, sketches, and inventions not included. Moves to France later in life. Not to mention, is gay and left-handed. Also was never involved in secret organization that believed Jesus had a child with Mary Magdalene (sorry, Dan Brown).

Comes with 2 loves of fishes, 5 loaves of bread, and a water jug that changes water into wine (not really). Cross and 12 apostles not included. Nevertheless, this is actually one of the better Jesus action figures I’ve seen so far.

37. Now you can be part of the serial killing action with these Dexter dolls.

The left one is Dexter Kill Suit which comes with apron, scrubs, hand saw, and welder’s mask. The right Dexter comes with a blood slide, knife, and trash bag. Plastic wrap, victim, and other kill room accessories not included.

38. Relive the 8th to 11th century Europe as a seafaring Scandinavian raider with this Dog Soldiers Viking action figure.

Comes with shield, sword, axe, dagger, and spear. Nevertheless, unlike what you’d see in popular media representations like on sports team logos and Wagner operas, this is more or less what Vikings actually looked like. Seriously, they didn’t wear horned helmets in battle.

39. Enjoy your favorite scary stories from high school English class with this one of a kind action figure of Edgar Allan Poe.

Comes with his own raven that may or may not say “Nevermore.” Still, while best known for his tales of mystery and the macabre within American Romantic literature, was also said to invent the detective story. Available until found dead on a street in Baltimore in 1849.

Comes with his own piano stool. Prone to play pranks and compose great operas and concertos. Loves fart jokes and bathroom humor. Available until 1791 when he succumbs to a long illness while composing the Requiem Mass at 35.

41. Help your child come out of the closet with Gay Bob.

From Top Tenz: “From his platinum blond hair, tight jeans, plaid shirt, and the whole closet theme, who wouldn’t want this doll? I just love the plethora of stereotypes. Even the way he is positioned is just, perfect. Oh and the best part, it’s made for everyone. Imagine getting this as a present. Boy, the conversations that would go down then.” Yeah, I wonder how a kid would react getting this for a birthday present.

42. Sword fighting has never been so much fun than with this Black Knight action figure from Monty Python and the Holy Grail.

Comes with his own sword and removable limbs. Still, even as he’s dismembered will still think losing a limb is just a scratch or flesh wound and will still keep fighting. None shall pass, indeed. Of course, at the end tends to say, “Oh, oh, I see! Running away, eh? You yellow bastards! Come back here and take what’s coming to you! I’ll bite your legs off!”

43. Have your kid live the high times of the Third Reich with this Adolf Hitler action figure.

Comes with his own hat, Nazi podium, and speakers. Nazis and death camp not included. Still, I would never recommend anyone to get this guy since, well, you know he started WWII and orchestrated the Holocaust. Yet, it just amazes me that there’s even a Hitler action figure available. Seriously, why?

44. Have your son experience the swell service of where Dad held his bachelor party with his very own Hooters girl action figure.

Comes with her own serving dish. Still, I’m certainly not making this up. Yet, even I am baffled as to why such toy exists. Seriously, it’s like having a female action figures consisting of strippers and prostitutes. I mean, why?

45. Defend American freedom for God and Country with “Enduring Freedom” Jesus.

Comes with his own rocket launcher and ammo as well as canteen, belt, knife, and desert camo. Seriously, what the fuck? In no way can I see the Prince of Peace blowing up guys in the Middle East with his rocket launcher. I wonder what kind of nutjob can ever think of such an inappropriate and possibly offensive toy like this. Still, can’t pass this one up.

46. Show your children the meaning of the crucifixion with this crucified Jesus Christ action figure.

Comes with ninja-messiah throwing nails and death-killer cross pumping action over-under shotgun. What the fuck? And they have Jesus nailed to the cross in pants, sandals, and a vest comparable to a 1st century Rambo so he can rise again in 3 days and take revenge on the authorities who crucified him. Seriously, this Jesus figure seems more appropriate for Quentin Tarantino film. Unbelievable. Still, doesn’t this kind of border on the sacrilegious side? Just saying.

47. For all you well dressed Kiss fans out there, these dolls are dressed to kill.

Of course, I’m sure these guys aren’t going to rock n’ roll all night or party every day in these designer outfits. Still, I’d love to see how people would react if they attended a fancy dress party in full concert make up. Perhaps it would be like, “Kiss: Live with the New York Philharmonic.”

48. Explore the meaning of Buddhism and free Tibet with this action figure of the Dalai Lama.

Comes with an A-12 automatic and silencer as well as a self-aiming fire-and-forget laser pistol. What? Okay, now I know Jesus is already ascended into Heaven by now, yet there is still a Dalai Lama around who’s exiled in India. And no, he isn’t known in Buddhism as a “God of a Thousand Arms.” Not to mention, he doesn’t even believe in violence. Still, kind of feel tempted to send him one of these.

Okay, these consist of Captain Stubing, Vicki, Julie, Gopher, Isaac, and Doc Bricker. Yeah, and they even have a toy ship sold separately that you can put these figures in. Sure it ran for 8 seasons and was very popular. But still, I don’t think a play set tie in would do any favors for the sponsors, especially during the 1980s.

50. Try to get out of being drafted in the Army at the M*A*S*H 4077th with an action figure depicting Corporal Klinger in drag.

Wardrobe not included. Yes, guys, they made an toy of Klinger in drag. Still, it’s actually the most popular toy from the series and goes for a pretty penny on eBay. Yet, imagine getting a toy depicting a guy in pink bloomers and a flower in his hair for your nephew. Yeah, that would be quite traumatic for some parents.

Comes with his own sombrero. Nevertheless, I have to admit, Superman sure can pull off that Latin lover look from south of the border. Still, I think Mexican kids would rather have a regular Superman action figure than this one. Not to mention, “hombre” is the correct term for “man” in Spanish.

52. Encourage harmful body practices to boys with these Muscle Beach Boys action figures. This one is “Dumbell Dwayne.”

Comes with his own weights. Now really, bodybuilding is just a really terrible thing for any boy to get into. Seriously a lot of those guys take performance enhancing drugs to get in that shape and have an ego spanning a mile wide. Not to mention, they tend to be very aggressive.. Still, Dwayne is what people like my sister call, a “lunk.”

53. Celebrate the Christmas season with these action figures from A Christmas Story.

Now this set includes: Ralphie with his Rough Rider BB gun, the Old Man with his Leg Lamp, Flick with his tongue sticking to flag pole, Mom, and Randy. They also have Scut Farkas and Ralphie in a pink bunny suit for those interested.

54. Make your OCD a blast with this Obsessive Compulsive Man.

Includes a surgical mask and a sanitary, hypo-allergenic, moist towlette. Of course, it’s said to inspire you to keep clean by any means necessary. And on the back, there’s a card on “A Day in the Life of an OC Action Figure.” Nevertheless, I’m not sure if this designer really understood OCD or just did his research by watching Monk.

55. For those who wish to relive the glory days of the 2008 election, here’s your very own Sarah Palin action figure.

Now I’m no fan of Sarah Palin at all. I think she’s just scary demagogue of the Radical Right of the Republican Party. Yet, I think Top Tenz can say it best: “The grimace on her face is just creepy, for lack of a better word. It just screams, “You betcha!” There’s no way I’d put this thing in my house. For all those men who find Sarah to be sexy, well…this action figure does her no justice. I guess the short skirts, low-cut shirts, and bare mid-drifts do something, but man, that face, that face.”

56. Show your kid the glory of God the Father Almighty with this bad ass God action figure.

Comes with Kalashnikov AK-47 assault rifle and hallowed cloak of invulnerability, what? First off, though I believe in God as a Catholic, this action figure certainly doesn’t reflect any of my religious beliefs. Like myself, I believe God has no desire for an AK-47, has no want of an AK-47, and has no need of an AK-47. Besides, He’s basically invulnerable, all-powerful, and ever-living so why he’s equipped with an invulnerable cloak and AK-47 is just plain ridiculous.

57. Go on your own Grail quest with this action figure of Tim the Enchanter from Monty Python and the Holy Grail.

Comes with his own staff and accessories. Magic powers not available. However, please keep him away from fluffy white rabbits and heed the words when he says, “Follow. But! Follow only if ye be men of valor! For the entrance to this cave is guarded by a creature so foul, so cruel, that no man yet has fought with it… and lived! BONES of full fifty men lie *strewn* about its lair! So! Brave knights! If you do doubt your courage or your strength, come no further, for death awaits you all with nasty, big, pointy teeth…”

58. Venture Camelot and seek the Holy Grail with these action figures of King Arthur and his knights from Monty Python and the Holy Grail.

Now this consists of Arthur, King of the Britons, Sir Bedevere the Wise and Flatulent, Sir Lancelot the Homicidally Brave, Sir Galahad the Not-So-Pure, and Sir Robin the Not-So-Brave as Sir Lancelot. Each come with their own weapons. Coconut banging squires sold separately. Horses. scales, duck, and minstrels not included.

59. See what it takes to be a real mom with this Super Mom action figure.

Comes with baby, cell phone, purse, groceries, high heels, sneakers, curler and regular heads, and a long to do list. Absentee workaholic dad, older children, and Xanax not included.

Comes with fighting staff Magnum 66 Automatic and invincible holy orange cape. Seriously, wasn’t the Buddha known for peace and seeking enlightenment? So why the hell does he have an automatic weapon on him? Looks like Christianity isn’t the only religion badly portrayed in action figures.

61. Go on all kinds of early American adventures with this Benjamin Franklin action figure.

Comes with kite. Printing press, newspaper, Poor Richard’s Almanac, inventions, and French whores not included. From Amazon: “Benjamin Franklin did a lot more than fly a kite on his way to becoming one of the most intelligent men in history. At various times throughout his life he was a writer, diplomat, businessman, musician, inventor, scientist, politician, humorist, printer, postmaster, philosopher, and statesman. His many accomplishments include inventing swimming fins and bifocals, establishing the University of Pennsylvania, publishing the Poor Richard’s Almanac and signing the Declaration of Independence as a founding father of the United States.”

62. All the world’s a stage with an action figure of William Shakespeare.

Comes with a quill and book of his compiled plays. Globe Theater and all-male acting troupe not included. If you’re a girl, he may not think you’re man enough to play Juliet since women weren’t allowed on the English stage until King Charles II. Available in a ye Olde Elizabethan store near you.

63. Serve up your diner customers with this waitress action figure.

Comes with a serving tray, 2 dishes, tipping chart, explanation of tipping, and list of pet peeves. Hates being shortchanged, sexually harassed, long hours, and her job. Available until she gets a better job that she doesn’t have to work at this God forsaken place.

64. Have a cold one in the Great White North with these Bob and Doug McKenzie action figures.

Both Bob and Doug come with their own chairs as well as cases, cans, and bottles of beer. Bob comes with cooler and donuts while Doug comes with camp stove and burgers. Great White North set sold separately. Talk about accessories inappropriate for children under 21.

65. Discover the joys of chemistry in the illicit methamphetamine underworld of Albuquerque, New Mexico, with these Walter White and Jesse Pinkman action figures from Breaking Bad.

Walt and Jesse each come with gas masks and other accessories depending on season. Meth lab play set might be sold separately. Still, despite being toys, such play sets are made for adults. Nevertheless, some people would want this anyway.

66. Experience the height of the medieval papacy with this formidable Pope Innocent III action figure.

Comes with an intimidating scroll inscribed with Latin text, the power of excommunication, and a removable Pope hat. Sure he wasn’t entirely innocent yet he’ll make all your other action figures line up for confession. Still, you have to admit, he was instrumental in banning clergy from participating in trial by ordeal in 1215 which would eventually help discontinue its use. So Innocent III wasn’t all bad to some extent (this by the standards of medieval pontiffs). Hey, at least he’s not equipped with a Walther PPK handgun!

67. Conquer the Eastern Mediterranean, the Middle East, and parts of South Asia with this Alexander the Great.

Comes with sword, shield, and helmet. Of course, by the time he was 25, he had a resume that included him being King of Macedonia, Pharaoh of Egypt and Great King of Persia. Not to mention, founding a world changing empire that would spread Greek culture further than it’s ever had before. Has a tendency to name cities after himself, engage in large scale battles, being sexually ambiguous while being married to 2-3 different women at the same time, and dying in Babylon at 32.

68. Explore the Theory of Relativity with this action figure of Albert Einstein.

Comes with wild hair like you’d find on a fuzzy troll doll. Available in Germany until the 1930s when his Jewishness forced him to flee to the US where he spent the rest of his life teaching at Princeton. Supports Zionist causes and chases skirts.

69. Experience the original Star Wars Trilogy once more with these action figures of Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru.

Basically, I hear that most toy critics declared these the Star Wars action figures most likely to traumatize children. Seriously, Luke’s aunt and uncle are literally burnt to a crisp here. And once outside the packaging, you can’t really tell the two apart.

70. Have fun at the circus with this Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Crazy Clown Mike.

Comes with balloons and stilt legs. Includes a painted face that is bound to give your children nightmares and send them to a lifetime of therapy. Seriously the TNMT toy designers must’ve been high on something.

71. Experience the most famous teen vampire romance ever with these action figures for Edward and Bella.

Believe me, these action figures are basically full of as much chemistry, passion, facial expressions, and acting ability that is contained in the whole Twilight series altogether. Just ask my sister.

72. Save Gotham City as Slalom Racer Batman on rocket skis.

Uh, Batman, Wiley E. Coyote called. He needs his gear back so he could, well, you know chase the ever elusive Roadrunner. Yeah, I know it will blow up in his face, but Wiley never really listened to reason to begin with. From The Dingleberry: “Batman on bright orange skis and has a matching batsuit that is made to blend in with the snow. If he was trying to blend in with the snow, bright orange skis and poles would completely defeat the purpose. He also apparently is wearing a jetpack. This doesn’t even make sense. If you had a jetpack you wouldn’t need skis, plus the heat from the pack would melt the snow.” Couldn’t say it better myself. Yeah, really terrible winter superhero gear.

73. Soar the skies saving Gotham at night with this Night Glider Batman.

From Topless Robot: “It’s logical enough that Batman would have some sort of flying apparatus, especially one for use at night, but it seems slightly counter intuitive to have that “night glider” be a day glow orange. He looks like a flying traffic cone, and the only people scared of those are driving students.” Yeah, I think Topless Robot certainly hit the nail on the head with that one.

74. Watch out, He-Man, or fall prey to the suffocating odors of Stinkor.

You have to love how the 1980s seemed to think up ideas for cartoon villains. Nevertheless, I don’t think I could say anything better about this toy better than the guy from The Dingleberry: ” The worst thing about this toy was the fact that it stunk. It actually was made to smell like a skunk, it stunk so bad that it made all the toys that I put in the box with it smell like it. It was a little too realistic for my tastes. I also liked how his plastic tank top is covering his nose like he can’t even stand his own smell. He also comes with a handgun and a shield, that is a totally nonsensical combination.” Just think of having to deal with it after it gets hit by a car.

God, I can’t stand this woman! Seriously, she’s just such a vicious and hate spewing shrill that I can’t understand why she’s so popular enough to have her own Barbie Doll. By the way, I think I owe Barbie an apology. At least she doesn’t spend her time on Fox News hating liberals and any other group that’s not WASP.

76. Travel to the 1980s with your very own action figure from Devo.

Yes, while many bands have action figures of all their members sold separately, Devo just has one body that uses the same heads of all its members. Comes with a whip and funny hat. Seriously, such pack arrangements are pretty crazy.

77. Take down Osama Bin Laden with your very own Seal Team 6 Obama action figure.

Armed with his very own machine gun and dressed up like The Punisher with an intimidating, Seal Team 6 Obama will stop at nothing to rid the world of Osama Bin Laden even if it means mowing down uncooperative Congressional Republicans. Still, I put Obama on here just to balance Palin and Coulter out. Also, the standard Obama came with too many accessories.

78. Look out, He-Man, here comes the Moss Man.

Comes with his own club and speedo. And yes, he’s supposed to be a bacteria grabbing walking carpet as if he was a lovechild between the Incredible Hulk and the Grinch. Also said to have “a real pine scent.” Creepy.

79. Travel on this self-propelled bed with Eglantine Price from Disney’s Bedknobs and Broomsticks.

It’s hard to believe that this doll is supposed to be based on the Angela Lansbury character from that 1972 movie. Bed runs on batteries. Still, kind of shows that even the folks at Disney were tripping on the brown acid a little too much. Nevertheless, I’d love to see the action figure they have for Eleanor Iselin from the Manchurian Candidate.

80. If you liked Transformers as a kid, then I’m sure you’d love your very own Titanic-Bot.

I have no idea why anyone would design this. Seriously, not only does it denigrate a terrible 1912 tragedy made into a Leonardo DiCaprio movie, but it kind of gives kids a false idea of history. I mean would anyone want 9/11 be diverted into a giant robot? How about the Hindenburg? Besides, this screams Dollar Store knock off. Yet I know that Michael Bay would definitely make a movie with Titanic-Bot if he could get away with it.

The art of wax sculpture has existed longer than we care to know. With roots in European royal funeral practices in the Middle Ages, people have been trying to capture the likenesses of any famous person in a waxwork and place it in a wax museum for the public to see. I know this is an odd tradition but it’s been around since the 1700s from Dr. Philip Curtius’s ‘Moving Wax Works of the Royal Court of England’ that featured 140 life sized wax figures of court notables to Madame Tussaud’s which you can find almost anywhere in the world. Of course, most of these would be life sized, wear real clothes, and sometimes have real hair. Still, there are many normal museums that do use wax figures such as the Heinz History Center in Pittsburgh and others. And some wax museums have a chamber of horrors where some of the most gruesome stuff are displayed such as wax medical models or a surgery conducted during the American Civil War or earlier. Not to mention, there was even a movie called House of Wax in which Vincent Price owns a wax museum before going completely crazy after it burns to the ground. Nevertheless, I can go on and on about the great wax works in these museums but I know you probably wouldn’t want to see that. So instead I’ll show you some of the less impressive wax works that fail to capture the true spirit of the person they’re based on. Thus, for your pleasure here are some wax figures to laugh at to your heart’s content.

1. Harry Potter

He may belong in Griffyndor but he seems more appropriate for Slytherin to me. Seriously, Daniel Radcliffe didn’t seem to have a personality disorder when I saw him in the first Harry Potter movie. And I was 11 years old at the time.

2. Pope Benedict XVI

Well, the former Pope was creepy enough in real life. Seems less like a “Repent and Accept Jesus Christ as Your Savior” than “I’ve come here to eat your brains.” Yes, that’s Benedict XVI as a zombie. Seriously, I’ve never seen a pontiff that looked so terrifying.

3. John Wayne from True Grit

Now I have a passionate hatred for John Wayne who’s one of my least favorite actors and think he should’ve never won an Oscar for any of his movies. However, unlike his movie portrayals, this John Wayne actually looks quite intimidating as Rooster Cogburn striking fear in the hearts of fugitives as a spirit back from the dead.

4. Ronald Reagan

Sure as a liberal I’m not a big fan of Reagan at all. However, even so, I don’t think this wax work seems to capture his warm personality that got a lot of idiots to vote for him. Seriously, he seems like he’s had a few face lifts and a spray tan.

5. Ray Charles

Well, I sure hope Georgia is not on his mind. I mean that does so not look like Ray Charles and I hope he just hit the road and don’t he go back no more, no more, no more, no more. Seriously, he scares me.

6. Cameron Diaz

If Cameron Diaz looked like that in real life I’d be very concerned by how she’s aging so rapidly or whether she’s had some plastic surgery disaster. Seriously, she looks so soulless in this wax incarnation.

7. Napoleon Bonaparte

I don’t know about you but I think he doesn’t seem very comfortable sitting in his chair. Seems like he has hemorrhoids. Oh, wait a minute he actually did at Waterloo, really. That’s why he couldn’t get on his horse and see the battle. Of course, this leads to surrender and exile on Saint Helena.

8. Tom Hanks

This is supposed to be him from Castaway. Looks more like a young Russell Crowe after a drunken bar fight. Seriously, how in the hell can it be Tom Hanks?

9. Don Knotts

Seems like Barney Fife didn’t age too well after serving as Sheriff Andy Taylor’s deputy. Also, what’s with that horrendous outfit?

10. Charlie’s Angels

Of course, I had no idea that Cameron Diaz was suffering from demon possession until I see her soulless and terrifying face. Guess she could afford the best exorcist money can buy.

11. Leonardo DiCaprio

Okay, I remember how he managed to capture women’s hearts in Titanic. Yet, looking at this waxwork I have no idea what so many teenage girls from the 1990s saw in him. However, he seems like he’d make a great villain in a horror movie.

12. Robert Pattinson

More like Edward Norton after botox injections than anything else. Seriously, if Robert Pattinson looks like that in 10 years then I question his lifestyle choices.

13. John F. Kennedy

And so my fellow Americans, ask not what your country can do for you–ask this wax museum why the 35th president of the United States looks like he’s spent too much time in a tanning salon and why his hair looks so unnatural.

14. John Lennon and Yoko Ono

Despite the bed in protest honeymoon, looks like John and Yoko are already experiencing problems in their relationship. Doesn’t seem like they’re giving peace a chance here. Yoko seems especially angry and giving John the silent treatment.

15. John Lennon

Let’s see unnatural hair color and tan. No wonder John is wearing sunglasses here. Hate to see what his eyes look like under there.

16. Princess Diana of Wales

I don’t know about you but I think this wax statue makes it seem that Princess Diana was a real stuck up bitch during her lifetime. I mean she has such an ugly scowl on her face as if her secretary won’t take her coat off and put it on the mud puddle so she can walk over it without damaging her Prada shoes.

17. Pope John Paul II

Seems like the Roman sunshine doesn’t do any wonders for the already leathery skin on this Polish pontiff. Also, he kind of seems pretty terrifying to me.

18. Eddie “the Eagle” Edwards

Or as I call it, “a really bad rendition of Walter White from Breaking Bad or as if Martin Mull had played him in the 1980s.” I don’t know who the hell this guy is but whoever he is, he sure seems creepy.

19. Ian Botham

Man, David Bowie looks very atrocious in that ascot and V-neck sweater with a shirt collar sticking out. Also seems to be aging really badly and I really think he should lose the mustache. Seriously, his years after Labyrinth haven’t been very good for him.

20. Noel Edmonds

Guess this is an idea of what Mark Ruffalo will soon look like give or take 20 or 30 years. Yeah, doesn’t seem to have any prospects of aging gracefully according to this wax work.

21. Elvis Presley

Perhaps this is what happens to you after you’ve spent too much time taking drugs, lounging in the Las Vegas sunshine, and eating too many peanut butter and banana sandwiches. No wonder this guy was found dead in his bathroom.

22. Jedward

Or as I call it, Whoville’s version of One Direction. Yeah, I wouldn’t mind the Grinch robbing them of their presents around Christmastime for these guys are just plain creepy and probably a real pain in the ass.

23. Benito Mussolini

Hey, I didn’t know that US Speaker of the House John Boehner was a huge fan of Il Duce. Sure doesn’t look too happy as usual but perhaps he might need to explain the Italian Fascist uniform.

24. David Hasselhoff

Man, he must’ve spent way too much time being a lifeguard on Baywatch. Seriously, he bears a closer resemblance to Groot from Guardians of the Galaxy than anyone else in this due to skin color alone.

25. Donald Trump

Now this seems to resemble comedian Louis Anderson after losing a lot of weight than Donald Trump. Nevertheless, this does retain Trump’s iconically bad hairstyle which seems quite tame in this. Still, I really hate Donald Trump just for being an obnoxious jerk and having an enormous ego. You can see why he’s been through 3 wives who only wanted him for his money.

26. Jimmy Carter

And I thought the Reagan and Kennedy wax figures were bad. This one seems to bear no resemblance to the former president who is now in his 90s and looks a hell of a lot better than this idiot who seems to have a few brain cells missing.

27. Tom Cruise

I can imagine a little kid looking up at this in its museum and say, “Mommy, why is Steve Jobs flying and not holding an Ipod? And why is he short?”

28. Daley Thompson

Probably an obscure Sacha Baron Cohen character who offended the people of India so much that he couldn’t do a movie around him or use him on Da Ali G Show.

29. Michael Barrymore

For God’s sake, what’s the hell with this guy’s humongous head? Seriously, I’ve never seen anyone with a forehead that high. Not to mention, that smile is terrifying.

30. Gazza

Hey, I didn’t know they had a wax rendition of Olympic athlete Bruce Jenner from Keeping Up with the Kardashians. They even nailed his plastic surgery disaster, well, somewhat.

31. Seinfeld

By looking at these terrifying waxworks of Elaine, Jerry, and Kramer, I dread seeing the one depicting George Costanza. That one must be the most horrifying of them all.

32. Sean Connery

Seems like Miami and LA don’t really help Sean Connery’s skin too much do they? Of course, he’d claim, “That’s not what your mother said.” Also that tuxedo is hideous.

33. Cliff Richard

Looks like Bill Clinton’s Attorney General Janet Reno on a bad hair day to me. Seriously, there’s no way that’s a man for what I see.

34. Prince William, Duke of Cambridge

Seems like it’s Prince William as if he’s a lame but very aristocratic vampire who wants to say “Cherrio, old chum,” before he proceeds to suck the life out of you.

35. Adolf Hitler

Seems like Der Furher doesn’t really like spending his weekends on the beach doesn’t he. Guess he kept forgetting to put on his sunblock and kept getting his face burned.

36. Titanic

This waxwork makes the movie’s iconic scene less romantic and much more terrifying. Seriously, Leonardo DiCaprio seems to resemble a psychokiller about to push Kate Winslet off the ship.

37. Lucille Ball

Whatever is in that bottle, I really don’t want to drink it. I suspect this might be poison according the terrifying look on Lucy’s face. Seriously, she looks so creepy in this waxwork.

38. The Beatles

Now I like the Beatles. Yet, these guys bear almost no resemblance to the real thing. In fact, I think these guys basically resemble lifeless zombies after your brains while singing. “All you need is brains,/All you need is brains,/All you need is brains, brains, brains are all you need.”

39. Jennifer Lopez

I don’t know about the butt but her face kind of reminds me of Jennifer Lawrence from The Hunger Games. Yet, smaller and with a really bad makeup job.

40. Justin Bieber

Somehow I can’t help looking at this and see how it resembles my cousin at Penn State, which is really insulting to my cousin who really doesn’t like Justin Bieber, doesn’t have light brown hair, and doesn’t even dress like that.

41. Austin Powers

Looks as if he’s a pervy guy on some kind of 1960s hallucinogenic drugs. Surely not groovy in the least, baby. Makes the fembots seem tame by comparison.

42. Eddie Murphy

Seems less like the comedian who appeared in family films and more like the guy appearing on SNL who wrote a poem on killing his landlord.

43. Meryl Streep

Man, I didn’t know she was nominated for an Oscar for Death Becomes her. I didn’t know that kind of film would even get Academy Award nominations. Not to mention, the hair straightener doesn’t do any favors for her.

44. Lady Gaga

I don’t know if Lady Gaga was Born This Way, but this wax figure doesn’t depict her as aging gracefully, especially since she’s actually only a few years older than I am. Seriously, she doesn’t look 28.

45. Mel Gibson

Okay, now this one makes Mel seem like a really crazed psychokiller on the run to satisfy a hunger for human flesh. Seriously, this one seems to scare me for some reason. And it’s not because he directed Braveheart or The Passion of the Christ.

46. Michelle Obama

Now if the First Lady of the United States looks like this in her wax rendition, either the designer doesn’t like her or she’s really not aging gracefully. Seriously, this incarnation seems rather terrifying to me.

47. Fred Rogers

I know this is from the John Heinz III Historical Center during its American History display. Nevertheless, looking at his waxy soulless face, I’d sure wouldn’t want to be his neighbor.

48. Ronald Reagan

Yes, old President Ronnie seems to have two really creepy waxworks in his image. This seems like it comes straight out of shining. Now please, Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall or else Mr. Reagan will come over to your house and murder you and your family in a bloodbath only comparable to a slasher horror movie.

49. Fatal Attraction

Michael Douglas should be utterly terrified in this scene. Instead, he just seems a little perturbed as if she flushed the toilet while he was taking a shower. Not the kind of face you’d have if a woman you had a fling with killed your daughter’s pet bunny.

50. Rihanna

Seems like Rihanna is in her German barmaid outfit to celebrate Oktoberfest. Nevertheless, I just hope Chris Brown doesn’t turn out at this location if she has a restraining order against him (like she should.)

51. Queen Elizabeth II

Seems that Her Royal Majesty has had some trouble with her hair stylist lately. Not to mention her make up artist doesn’t seem to do her job too well either. Must be going through a Barbara Striesand phase.

52. Luciano Pavarotti

Seems less in the mood for singing opera and more in the mood of eating something crunchy like bones. Still, this is actually kind of terrifying if you ask me.

53. Anne Frank

Of course, I’m sure being subjected to hiding in your dad’s office building during the Holocaust could age you a few years. However, Anne Frank died at 15 and certainly didn’t have the skin composition of someone who’s over 30.

54. Liza Minnelli

From looking at this wax rendition of Liza Minnelli, those unfamiliar with Cabaret may think that she was a character from the Rocky Horror Picture Show. Seriously, she seems like she wants to kill you after she’s completed her dance routine.

55. Leonardo DaVinci’s Last Supper

Looks like all the apostles seem to peering at some weird mole on either Jesus’s neck or hands while the Roman soldiers are in the back waiting for them to leave. That one on the far left seems as if he wants to go to the bathroom to wash his hands for some reason.

56. Audrey Hepburn

By the look at those sullen big brown eyes, you’d think Holly Golightly might have murder on the mind for George Peppard. Seriously, this wax figure seems to make Audrey Hepburn seem miscast for Breakfast at Tiffany’s on account of being too sinister.

57. Mr. Bean

I wonder if those unfamiliar with Mr. Bean would look at this wax figure and assume he was in the same league with Jason Voorhees or Freddy Krueger. Perhaps they’d be relieved he’s actually a Rowan Atkinson character who acts like a complete idiot.

58. Tiger Woods

Seems like Tiger’s debacles with his extramarital peccadilloes and divorce proceedings have really aged him as well has hurt his golf game. Seriously, Tiger’s not an old decrepit man yet, folks.

59. Margaret Thatcher

I don’t know about you but it seems that the Iron Lady has developed some sort of terrible skin problem on her face. Also, it’s probably fair to say that she’s had some disastrous plastic surgery as well.

60. Ellen Degeneres

Now I know that Ellen is a comedian and talk show host who’s not supposed to scare me. However, this rendition makes me want to look the hell away from her soulless eyes and her evil smile.

61. The Wizard of Oz

Well, to be fair, The Wizard of Oz has managed to traumatize a lot of kids even without the dark lighting. Nevertheless, I don’t suspect that Dorothy just wants to go home. And I wouldn’t want to be around the Scarecrow or Tinman either.

62. Hugh Jackman

Now you’d think any wax museum could have an impression of Hugh Jackman would be wise to depict him as Wolverine from X-Men. However, this one seems like it depicts an evil Dr. Who in BDSM attire.

63. Michael Jackson

Yes, his majesty the King of Pop during the 1980s does carry a rather sinister demeanor. Of course, I wonder how many people my age could ever imagine that he’s supposed to be Michael Jackson. I’d rather hang out with the zombies from the “Thriller” video than this guy.

64. Rowan Atkinson

Okay, this wax figures in now way, shape, or form resembles Mr. Bean. Seriously, it’s as if this artist had no idea who this guy is or even saw his picture. I mean, we all know that Rowan Atkinson doesn’t at all look like that in real life. Never has.

65. Joan Collins

I know she’s a famous prime time soap star from the 1970s and 1980s Dynasty. However, that make up job makes her seem like she’s either Spock’s sister or related to Tim Curry from Rocky Horror Picture Show.

66. Michael Jordan

How in the hell does this look like Michael Jordan? Seriously, he looked about the same in 1990s as he does now, facial wise. That, my friend, is a basketball playing zombie who just has the same complexion.

67. Richard Nixon

Man, this waxwork of Tricky Dick makes him seem like he’s a ventriloquist dummy or some creepy character from The Muppet Show. Seriously, that jowl and those eyes are utterly creepy.

68. Arnold Schwarzenegger

Seems they got the chiseled chest proportions right. However, this basically bears practically no resemblance to Ahnold from Conan the Barbarian. Not to mention, he seems to spend too much time in the sun which is taking a toll on his delicate skin.

69. Jimmy Carter

Good News: Actually looks better than the last Jimmy Carter waxwork I posted on here.Bad News: Seems to have a real great need for an exorcism. Seriously, he really looks evil.

70. Star Trek

While Spock seems okayish, the once of Kirk and McCoy just seem to be among the men you’d see on Cracked.com’s “Guys That Look Like Old Lesbians” article. Seriously, Kirk’s hair is just too long while McCoy seems like he’s been using way too much of “the Botox.”

71. Jay Leno

Since his retirement (for good) from The Tonight Show, it seems like Jay Leno has had a face lift that has basically stretched his face in a way many people find so unrecognizable. Seriously, his wax figure looks so atrocious.

72. Snoop Dogg

You’d think Snoop would be taking better care of himself now that he has millions of dollars. Yet, this waxwork makes him seem like he’s emaciated for some tasty human flesh. I mean, that face sure don’t look right at all.

73. Will Smith

Okay, this waxwork looks less like a big box office star, the Fresh Prince of Bel Air, and happily married man and father of 3. And more like the kind of guy who’s either a bouncer at some crime syndicate owned bar from The Wire or the kind of man a lot of white people wouldn’t entrust with their car keys or wallets.

74. Clint Eastwood

Now I’m sure he’s certainly angry. Still, though this is supposed to be Clint from Unforgiven, I don’t think this waxwork resembles him. Yet, the “Get Off My Lawn” message is clear.

75. Johnny Cash

Jesus Christ, I thought Johnny was supposed to turn his life around in the1960s. Seriously, an orange spray tan and unkempt hair seem to suggest otherwise.

76. Marilyn Monroe

No, kids, Marilyn Monroe wasn’t a famous actress whose claim to fame was playing sexy blood sucking vampires. That would be Robert Pattinson. Totally different person.

77. Humphrey Bogart

Okay seems like Bogart needs to get off the booze and cigarettes looking like this. Also, I’d stay away from the tanning salons just for good measure. Still, here’s not looking at you, kid.

78. Abraham Lincoln

With his orange spray tan and his sinister gray eyes, it seems that the Great Emancipator has a score to settle. Seriously, this is basically the most evil Lincoln I’ve ever seen and his waxworks are usually not that bad.

79. Sir Elton John

I know he’s supposed to be singing something and I really don’t want to know. Not to mention, the closed eyes and the coke bottle glasses make him seem even more terrifying with his mouth hanging out.

80. Hank Williams Sr.

Looks like the late country music legend Hank Williams is back from the dead as a Satanic puppet that sings his country ballads and has people sell him their souls. Seriously, this wax rendition is just creepy as hell.

Food wise, Valentine’s Day has it’s own share of goodies but usually pertains to stuff that you’d basically make for your kids during their school V-Day party event. Of course, while there may be parties, they aren’t nearly as extravagant as what you’d see on Christmas, Halloween, or the Super Bowl even. I mean, I’ve basically found no Valentine’s Day vegetable dip tray, ever. Yet, since I’ve done previous articles on treats from almost every single big holiday since Halloween, I should probably do one. After all, even if you don’t have a sweetheart this V-Day, it’s a very big holiday for treats, especially if you’re in elementary school or have child in one, especially since kids are basically obligated to bring valentines as well as treats to the whole class. And it’s usually up to the parents’ creative juices or bank account to make that possible. Not to mention, children will have to do Valentine’s Day craft projects in art class. Nevertheless, whether you’re a parent or a repressed art or culinary person, I have some treats for you that might be up your alley. So without further adieu, here are some sweet V-Day treats you might want to make for the ones you love. Still, this article might taste like diabetes since most of them are sugary sweet and may make you gag on sight of sentimentality.

1. These arrow cupcakes will basically melt your heart.

Of course, the arrows aren’t edible since they’re made with straws and paper. Still, they’re adorable if you ask me.

2. Nothing says Valentine’s Day like X’s and O’s sugar and sprinkle cookies.

Not only do these cookies represent hugs and kisses in the days before internet emoticons but they’re also great for a cookie version of Tic-Tac-Toe.

3. Sweeten up your Valentine’s Day with these lovebird cookies.

Of course, as you know being winter a lot of them roost down south. Still, it seems that one of them hasn’t been paired off yet. Maybe he’s lonely. Or she. I can’t tell with these birds.

4. Why stop making Valentine’s Day treats for your kids, when you can make some for your dog?

Yes, these are Valentine’s Day dog treats and it’s the first time I showed anything for pets on my treats post. Still, I’m not sure whether covering dog treats in icing is actually good for the dog. Seriously, I’d consult a vet about that.

5. Nothing says Valentine’s Day than a bouquet of watermelon and grapes.

Seriously, who eats watermelon in the middle of winter? It’s a summer food for God’s sake. Also, this might be made from Edible Arrangements.

6. Show your loved one you care with this heart shaped fruit salad.

Now this contains, blueberries, strawberries, kiwis, and raspberries. Basically fruits you’d consider out of season by this time of year and probably grown in California.

7. At your Valentine’s Day party, you can’t go wrong with these hotdog and cheese toothpick favors.

However, I’m not sure that the meat is even cooked or whether it’s safe to eat. Then again, it probably wouldn’t look right if it was.

8. For your kids’ Valentine’s Day events at school, I’m sure you can’t go wrong with these lovely owl brownies.

Of course, some of these owls wink while others have purplish eyes. Then again, these could just be birds for all I know. Still, adorable.

9. Show your love this Valentine’s Day by giving your sweetheart a bouquet of cupcake roses.

Of course, the best thing about these is that they’re chocolate, which means this guy probably knows my own heart (just kidding).

10. Sweeten this Valentine’s Day by carving a heart right into these apples.

Of course, this idea not only features healthy food but also is very simple to do as long as you can draw hearts right.

11. Now these hearty bear cookies are simply unbearable.

I like how all the hearts are around the creamy part of the cookie sandwiches. Seriously, these cookies are just so adorable.

12. These Valentine’s Day penguin cookies may come from the cold but they’ll melt your heart.

I’m familiar with penguins for Christmas but penguins for Valentine’s Day is a new one to me. Still, they’re very cute and tend to be made from Oreos.

13. Now these cookies show you and your loved one belong together like peanut butter and jelly.

Of course, this would be great for Jiff and Schmucker’s new ad campaigns. Not to mention, they seem to resemble more like pop tarts than pieces of bread.

14. Stomach these butterfly pretzels this Valentine’s Day.

Eat these and you’ll literally have butterflies in your stomach as far as I could see. Nevertheless, they seem too adorable to resist, especially in pink.

15. Warm up somebody’s heart this Valentine’s Day with these heart shaped calzone.

Of course, these would be nice to make on a cold winter day, especially in the middle of a snow storm. Still, might go well with the football calzones in my last treat post on Super Bowl Sunday.

16. If you can’t say it out loud, perhaps say it with cupcakes.

Then again, maybe it’s should just be for your whole class if you’re the teacher. It might sound stalkerish if all these cupcakes are for just one person.

17. These heart shaped candy cupcakes are just as sweet as can be.

Of course, the hearts themselves are the kind of processed Little Debbie cakes you probably find at the grocery store. Yet, at least they’re better than the real ones, which are from Necco.

18. Nothing is better for Valentine’s Day than these marshmallow love bugs on a stick.

Of course, some of these bugs are so hungry for love that they have hearts in their eyes. Still, very adorable as you can see.

Notice that all these pizzas have red hearts on them whether they be pepperoni, pepper, or tomato. Nevertheless, there are a lot of variations here.

25. Give your loved ones these Teddy Bear cake pops to treasure.

Of course, where would we be without teddy bears on Valentine’s Day (or chocolate for that matter)? Still, these bears look so good enough to eat.

26. All these ladybugs need is someone to love.

Yes, these lady bug cookies with candy on them are adorable. Also, it’s possible that some of these can be guys despite the name.

27. Nothing says Valentine’s Day like a nice V-Day cake of a heart with roses on it.

I don’t know about you but I think the strawberry syrup covering this cake kind of reminds me of fake blood you’d see on Halloween treats.

28. Of course, what’s Valentine’s Day without some strawberry tart hearts?

Of course, unlike Monty Python’s “Dead Bishop on the Landing” sketch, these tarts don’t have any rat in them. However, the Queen of Hearts should watch out for the knave. Or the Knave should know better than to steal them, especially if he’s in Lewis Carroll’s Wonderland.

29. If you like Japanese food, try these heart sushi out for size.

Sure this sushi has carrots instead of raw fish. Yet, contrary to the common misconception, raw fish is actually optional for sushi. In fact, you can make sushi with just about anything as long as you wrap it in rice and seaweed.

30. Of course, you can’t go wrong with a heart fruit salad on Valentine’s Day.

Of course, this salad consists of cherries blueberries and strawberries all of which are out of season in February. Still, quite colorful to say the least.

31. Need something to do with your Christmas candy canes? So why don’t you make candy hearts on a stick with them for Valentine’s Day?

Of course, I’m sure that your Christmas candy canes might obviously be stale by then anyway. So maybe it’s better to keep them in the wrappers.

32. Of course, you can’t have Valentine’s Day without a heart salad?

Of course, you have to remove the toothpicks before eating the carrots and tomatoes (which might not have any). Nevertheless, this is adorable.

33. Make Valentine’s Day special with these candy heart cookies.

Of course, these sugar cookies probably taste much better than the real candy hearts which I say are basically disgusting. Seriously who thought those candy hearts were a great idea?

34. Nothing says Valentine’s Day like red velvet cheesecake hearts.

I like how these heart cheese cakes have strings coming from them as if they’re a bunch of balloons. Now that’s quite clever.

35. Of course, you can’t have Valentine’s Day without a triple decker Rice Krispie treat heart cake.

Yes, you can be sure that you’ll see a Rice Krispie dessert on this post. It’s amazing the kinds of culinary creations you can do with them. Still, this is quite adorable.

36. Sweeten up Valentine’s Day with these heart fruit kabobs.

Of course, these consist of watermelon, cantaloupe, and a melon, I think. Nevertheless, it’s cute how these kebobs are meant to look like arrows.

37. These lip cookies are certainly worth kissing for.

I wonder if they managed to find a lip cookie cutter at some kind of sex shop or something. Well, I’ve never seen such cookie cutters in any other store like that. Seriously, I haven’t.

38. Show love for your kid this Valentine’s Day with a V-Day lunch set.

Seems like this consists of 3 heart sandwiches, 3 cracker piles, a strawberry, and a couple other things. Still, it kind of seems like a bit much for child’s lunch box.

39. You can never keep too many hearts in a cookie jar of love.

Of course, I can say this since this jar is an actual cookie. Yet, I’m sure the string on the lid isn’t edible. Well, if the hearts aren’t candy.

To be honest, I’m not a big fan of Valentine’s Day. Maybe it’s because it’s a holiday centered around romance while I haven’t experienced much of it since most of the guys I had things for didn’t like me back or just have a funny way of showing it that I didn’t quite get which sometimes sent me to suspect the worst (you know who you are). Then again, contrary to what 30 Rock says Saint Valentine’s Day isn’t a Catholic holy day since we’re not sure whether the martyred bishop of love was a real person (not to mention that most Catholic Masses don’t last beyond 45 minutes). Still, with the exception of getting chocolate candy from my parents and flowers, I can basically take or leave it. Still, since sweethearts tend to exchange gifts such as jewelry, flowers, candy, lingerie, or stuffed animals. So there are plenty of opportunities for businesses to advertise their products. Now I can go crazy about the cute vintage Valentine’s ads like the couple sharing the Coke one above. Yet, I realized that would be more taste like diabetes and vomit inducing than the sweetness Valentine’s Day is associated with. Instead, I’ll show ads that don’t make Valentine’s Day such a lovely mid winter holiday for the greatest gift businesses can receive: cold hard cash. So without further adieu, here are some terrible Valentine’s Day ads from your grandparents’ generation.

Of course, this is Shirley Temple as a teenager who could probably afford to get her own hope chest. Seriously, Valentine’s Day isn’t the kind of holiday to buy your loved ones furniture. Not to mention, these pieces of storage used to house an unmarried woman’s dowry during the Middle Ages. Save that kind of present for Christmas or her birthday.

2. Ladies, nothing says Valentine’s Day for your gentleman like a new silk necktie.

Now this is the kind of guy’s gift that says: “I didn’t know what else to give you. But I know you’re a guy and needed to give you something. So here’s what I got you for $60.”

3. This Valentine’s Day cake gives you a way to get in a man’s heart through his stomach.

Sure she may feel a kiss coming on. But her facial expression makes me think whether she’s anticipating for the poison to take effect any minute now.

4. Nothing says Valentine’s Day than Rheingold Extra Dry Beer.

Now I’m sure that beer is an appropriate Valentine’s Day Gift for a guy. Well, better than neck ties. Still, that woman looks a bit wasted in her evening clothes. And I’m not sure the dog is paying attention to her. Besides, booze also has a tendency to make a romantic candlelight dinner into something you might not want to discuss with the kids.

5. Give your loved one a gift they’d be grateful to have this Valentine’s Day, a pre-mortem funeral arrangements.

Man, this funeral is really hurting for customers. Still, this is a pretty insulting ad for men who probably have more an idea of how to arrange their wives’ funerals than knowing what to get them for Valentine’s Day. And when it comes to Valentine’s Day guys have it easy since it’s a girly holiday to begin with.

6. Give your sweetheart Hinds Honey and Almond Cream for this Valentine’s Day as these girls make a lacy Valentine’s Day card for their mother it seems.

That girl looks as if the woman in the valentine is her next kill target and she more like a bitter almond than as sweet as honey. Seriously, she seems utterly terrifying and wants to knock of the woman for her jewelry and clothes.

7. Schrafft’s Chocolates are the candies that lead to a girl’s, uh, I’d like to say heart.

From how the guy’s hands are position, it seems like he’s about to put his hands on her ass as he sets them any lower. Seems like they’re about to get their nasty on to me.

Uh, aren’t these kids a little young to be in love? Also, I’m sure they aren’t anywhere near the legal driving age in most states. I’m sure the designers were so concentrated on the cuteness. Still, I’d be a bit concerned if I were their parents.

9. Send a valentine to those you love with a card from American Greetings.

I don’t know about you but while the cards are nice, the cartoon cherub in the corner just scares me for some reason. Seriously, he doesn’t make me want to buy any of these cards, even the one with the cat.

10. Guys, when it comes to being the perfect valentine, make sure you’re the Kreml guy on the lower right.

From PopSugar: “The description for “Slicker” seems like it was pulled straight from Sue Sylvester’s Will burn-book: ‘Your dome’s so slick we don’t know whether that’s human hair or patent leather.'” Also, Curly is bald and resembles a guy you’d see from The Sopranos while the Kreml guy seems like he’s a creepy stalker of some woman’s nightmare. Not to mention, Fuzzy seems like he’s put on too much hair spray before going to bed.

11. Give her a valentine that would put stars in her eyes and music in her heart.

Excuse me, does she have stars in her eyes? Or is she really a lifeless fem-bot from the Stepford suburban community? You know the one that killed all those housewives and replaced them with look alike robots who’d do anything to please their husbands? Freaky.

12. Oh, he remembered Valentine’s Day! And he sent me Whtiman’s chocolate.

Of course, we should all remember just because Elizabeth Taylor’s man remembered Valentine’s Day, doesn’t really guarantee she’s going to stay with him. I mean she’s known for marrying 8 times to 7 different men (twice to Richard Burton and one to a guy she met in rehab in the 1990s). Those 7 divorces don’t come cheap.

13. For those in long distance relationships, send them a Valentine’s Day telegram from Western Union.

From PopSugar: “Ending a Valentine’s Day telegram with “guess who” sounds a teensy bit stalkerish.” Yeah, I’d think this girl might want to file a restraining order if she receives enough of them.

14. You’re never too young to give or receive Faroh’s finest chocolates!

Okay, now babies in love is just pushing it. Seriously, what were these designers thinking? This isn’t cute, it’s disturbing. Babies are known for crying, slobbering, and pooping in diapers, not giving each other chocolates! Seriously, why?

15. Aim for the best with Chesterfield cigarettes.

Sure Chesterfields may lead to your sweetheart’s heart. But they’ll make their lungs all filled with tar and cancerous tumors as well as turn their skin yellow and increase their chances for cardiovascular disease. Also, tobacco kills about a third of its users every year.

“Drink up, honey buns, for I’ve prepared these 3 drinks just for you this special day. Oh, and did I mention, I don’t feel like driving tonight? Don’t forget, that you can’t be seen with a blood-alcohol level of over .08 in most states, sweetie.”

17. For your son this Valentine’s Day, why don’t you pack him a sandwich for school with Mor: a thrifty meat.

Of course, Mary loves Jimmy and she’s very concerned for his well being and his meat sandwich fantasies. I mean we all know that eating processed salted meat isn’t good for the cholesterol in the least. Also, it’s disgusting.

18. Please your valentine with these Manhattani peppermint pajamas.

From Popsugar: “My best guess for this one would have to be: wear comfy PJs on Valentine’s Day because after all that chocolate you’re gonna want something loose.” Also, the man kind of remind me of Mr. Bean for some reason and he seems a bit self-conscious about his weight.

19. Nothing says sex and romance on Valentine’s Day like V-Day pajamas for the whole family!

Now giving your significant other lame Valentine’s Day PJs are one thing. But giving them for the whole family, who the fuck had that crazy idea? I’m sure young Billy would really appreciate getting printed hearts on his PJs for Valentine’s Day. Of course, he’ll probably never wear them again after this picture.

20. Give her the gift of chocolate with Whitman’s candy sampler.

Is it just me or is that a really creepy horror version of Katharine Hepburn eating some chocolate? Of course, she takes a chocolate in her mouth every time before going on her daily homicidal rampage.

21. Heads, you win! Seriously, what does that mean?

Oh, I see. Guys, I don’t think these ladies want chocolates. Rather I think they actually want your head on a platter. Seriously, their soulless eyes know nothing but the sweet taste of man flesh these lady night terrors crave. Yes, they’re literally man eaters and watch out, boys, they’ll chew you up.

22. Nothing satisfies a man this Valentine’s Day than a shirt and tie from Arrow.

Now I know that men are very hard to buy for on Valentine’s Day since is a girly holiday. Still, I’m sure a dress shirt and necktie aren’t gifts men really want to see from their ladies. Seriously, you’re better off getting him a team jersey or Grand Theft Auto.

23. Now what to give a woman? Vacuums or flowers?

Seriously, give her flowers, boys. Sure they’ll wild and need put in the garbage one day. But still, at least she won’t be insulted as if you treated her like the maid giving a vacuum. Seriously, vacuums are terrible presents for women during any occasion. Not to mention, they never give you any peace and quiet while they’re running.

24. “People all over the world (everybody)/Join hands (join)/Start a love train, love train.”

From PopSugar: “Watch out, cuz after that train goes through your heart you’re pretty much dead.” Not to mention, when see that love train going through those 2 hearts, I’m sure that’s not what the O’Jays had in mind when they recorded, “Love Train.”

25. Remember “Remembering Day” and give me chocolate. Or else.

From PopSugar: “If your man doesn’t remember Valentine’s Day with all the holiday advertising madness, he’s either blind or a hermit.” Also, I don’t know about you but this woman seems to give me the creeps as if she seems to have murder on her mind.

26. Give the ladies in your life the gift that’ll last a long time: granny panties.

What’s even crazier is that this mother and daughter are so happy swinging on their little swings you’d find outside on a tree or swing set. Swinging in your underwear: now that doesn’t seem an appropriate activity during the middle of winter. Also funny that these are called, “Lollipops Bubble Duds.”

27. Happy Valentine’s Day from your Jolly Green Giant.

For some reason, receiving a heart shaped box of frozen peas doesn’t seem nearly as romantic as getting a box of chocolate. Seriously, who wants peas for Valentine’s Day for God’s sake? Farmers?

Of course, I hope that guy doesn’t work himself out. He looks quite old and seems like he’s pushing it. Seriously, how does this guy get any sleep?

29. Make this Valentine’s Day a sweet occasion with this lovely double decker heart shaped cake.

From PopSugar: “How to feel bloated on Valentine’s Day — so romantic!” Now this cake looks so Pepto Bismol pink that it’s almost making me sick. Seriously, this looks so disgusting that it has diabetes all over it.

30.Nestle chocolate: A great way to a woman’s heart.

It seems that this woman doesn’t just want chocolate which Nestle suggest can sometimes be used as an aphrodisiac. Still, she seems to be hiding an erotic grin under that sumptuous bite sized Nestle bits.

The cause of universal healthcare is one that’s close to my heart and one that’s subject to so much controversy in the United States. I mean whenever Obamacare was still in the bill phase, it was under such intense opposition that it formed the Tea Party. Now Obamacare doesn’t provide universal healthcare nor was it intended to. Yet, I supported the legislation anyway because I felt that it offered the kind of healthcare reform my country greatly needed despite that I didn’t think the ACA went far enough. Nevertheless, it disgusts me that there are some people in the United States who vehemently oppose universal healthcare so much that they go to great lengths to extinguish any attempt to reform an already broken healthcare system that comes on the congressional docket. So far, Obamacare is now the subject of another Supreme Court case, this time on federal subsidies to states on the federal exchange. Of course, hearing the ads on federal subsidies from the UPMC commercials on the radio, I think it’s very unlikely that the libertarian lawyers of King v. Burwell will have their way, but I could be wrong. Not only that, but since Republicans have taken control of Congress in 2011, the US House has tried to repeal Obamacare over 40 times, which I think is a shame.

I know that a lot of Americans think about universal healthcare and I don’t expect anyone to change their minds. I know that this post will be filled with points that may spark outrage or perhaps inflammatory comments but I think they need to be said nonetheless. Yet, understand that what I mean by “universal healthcare” I mean a non-profit healthcare system providing quality affordable service to all Americans. Now I don’t think a universal healthcare will solve all the US health system’s problems (and there are lots), but I think it would be a system the American people would be much happier with than the one we have now. While the number of uninsured has declined from 50 million since the late 2000s, I still think that even one uninsured American is far too many. However, here I list several of the reasons why I support universal healthcare in the United States. I insist that anybody who reads this take a lot of thought into these points to see why I believe in what I do and that my support for universal healthcare doesn’t just stand on my liberal ideology alone.

1. Healthcare is a basic human right and there’s no reason why medical treatment should be denied to anyone too poor to pay for it– to me the issue of universal healthcare isn’t about giving social entitlements to poor people. Rather it’s a moral issue of human rights and I’ve always believed that a for-profit healthcare system doesn’t adhere to this and has a history of discriminating against the poor and ill. I believe that every American should have a right to healthcare even if they are lazy unemployed moochers on welfare or undocumented immigrants because it’s the simply right thing to do. No sick person deserves to be turned away from medical treatment for any reason. Even though the US doesn’t recognize healthcare as a human right, the international community does and so do most religious groups. So yes, I do believe I’m entitled to healthcare just because I’m a human being as well as to everyone else.

This is a 2011 infographic from Amnesty International pertaining to the maternity care situation in the United States, especially when it comes to infant and maternal mortality. Now if there’s any reason why someone who’s pro-life should support universal healthcare, it’s this. The findings are disturbing.

2. The Abortion Issue– now as a Catholic feminist, I may not consider myself as wholly pro-life or pro-choice (though this position is consistent with most Americans if you really think about it, but let’s not go there). However, whether you believe in an unborn child’s right to life or a woman’s right to choose whether to terminate a pregnancy, we should all get on board with the idea that all pregnant women who choose life should have access to pre-natal care regardless of their ability to pay as I fervently do. There is nothing pro-life or pro-choice about denying pregnant women access to affordable healthcare, especially it could save her unborn child’s life as well as prevent her from seeking an abortion in the first place. The fact many pro-lifers tend to be conservatives who’ve been fighting to deny pregnant women access to affordable healthcare which is completely inexcusable (and the fact pro-choicers tend to be less vocal about it as well). Whenever a pregnant woman is denied access to affordable pre-natal care due to being too poor or uninsured, her unborn child’s right to life is denied as well. When a woman seeks an abortion because she can’t afford to seek medical treatment for possible life-threatening complications also denies her right to choose as well. In many ways, denying affordable healthcare access is simply an unforgivable crime against humanity that should never be acceptable and perhaps even less justifiable than abortion. Add to that the fact that the US has a high infant and maternal mortality rate compared to other First World nations while nations with universal healthcare have lower abortion rates. Thus, whatever side you’re on in the abortion issue, guaranteed healthcare access to all should be non-negotiable.

3. Getting a job with employee based health insurance is no longer a guarantee– say what you want about Obamacare, but this is a good reason why it’s worth protecting. Since the Recession, the chances of someone finding a job with employee based health benefits is no longer a guarantee, especially if you’re a Millennial whose chances of getting a job with health benefits by 26 are slim (as well as the fact that most people uninsured usually live in a situation in which they or a member of their families have a job that either offer no health benefits or aren’t eligible for their employee plan). This can never be more apparent since the future of work is in the service sector which mostly consist of low-income jobs that don’t offer healthcare benefits or at least an adequate healthcare package. And even if you do have a job with benefits, this doesn’t mean you’re quite out of the woods. After all, losing your job might result in you losing your health insurance. This can happen more often than you think since it’s very likely you’ll need to switch jobs more than a few times in your adult life. And you don’t always know how long it would before you can get another job. At least Obamacare provides a viable option for affordable healthcare for those facing an unpredictable economic future like myself since it stays with you after you sign up (or it’s supposed to). As a Millennial, living without health insurance is one of my deepest fears. I pray to God that the Supreme Court at least has the decency to rule in favor of the federal subsidies for King v. Burwell since I live in a state that doesn’t have a state exchange nor a Medicaid expansion as far as I know as of 2015. And, yes, I do plan to sign up for Obamacare when I reach that age since the federal exchange is now my only option for affordable healthcare once I reach my 26th birthday.

Here are some statistics from the National Research Center detailing what services the uninsured do without because of the cost whether it’s getting a test, skipping a prescription, or putting off a doctor’s visit.

4. Everyone needs healthcare and being uninsured has devastating consequences– since we’re all human beings, we all need healthcare since we’re not invincible and you never know when you’ll be facing a medical emergency. Being uninsured can lead to a lot of devastating consequences individuals and families alike, which nobody wants to face. When uninsured, people are just one serious illness or injury away from losing their homes, their life savings and income, as well as their lives. Uninsurance also leads to high medical bills as well as possible denial of treatment, too. Thus, having an individual mandate should be a no brainer.

Here are some statistics from the US Department of Health and Human Services measuring healthcare spending from 2009. The pie on the left shows where the money comes from while the pie on the right shows where the money goes.

5. Conditions in the healthcare system were complete hell before Obamacare– Whether you love or hate Obamacare, most Americans would agree that our healthcare system may not be ideal, but it’s still better than under the Bush Administration. We should all remember that before Obamacare, it wasn’t uncommon for people to be denied health insurance because of a preexisting condition (at least legally). It was also common for people to lose their insurance (and/or job) when faced with a medical emergency or at least be faced with paying an exorbitant amount of money. And it’s just the tip of the iceberg. Let’s just say, while Americans may not see eye to eye on Obamacare, most wouldn’t want to return to the US healthcare system under the Bush years.

This is a graph from that National Business Group on Health explaining the rate of medical cost increases from 1999 to 2014. Note how it’s dropped at its lowest rate in 15 years.

6. Like education, individuals with healthcare are able to contribute more productively to the workforce than those who don’t– there may be a lot of complaints from conservatives that universal healthcare will only make the hardworking rich pay for the lazy poor on welfare. However, like education, individuals with healthcare contribute more productively to the workforce because they’re more likely to lead healthier lives and miss work much less. Besides, in the event of an injury or illness, the sooner a person receives medical treatment the more likely he or she will be able to work again. If an illness or injury goes untreated, the more likely a person will end up disabled with a chronic health condition or untimely dead. Those who are poor and disabled usually seek out public assistance because nobody’s going to hire them anytime soon. The fact the vast majority of people on welfare are either disabled or under 18 should illustrate this. Not only that, but their chronic condition could also limit their ability to lead a healthier lifestyle. Thus, while healthy individuals with health insurance usually can find work, unhealthy people without insurance are usually stuck in poverty because their chronic health conditions simply make them unemployable.

Here’s an infographic from Atlanta Health showing the costs of the uninsured to hospitals, doctors, and other providers in 2012 according to state.

7. Taxpayers spend a lot of money on treating the poor already– while those living in poverty are more likely to be uninsured, they’re also more prone to adverse life threatening health conditions or injuries, seek medical treatment when it’s too late, and receive care in the emergency room when things go from bad to worse. Whenever an uninsured person is treated in the ER, it’s likely to cause healthcare costs and premiums to rise for the insured as well by $922 for families (this before Obamacare). Not to mention, poorer people are more likely to work jobs in adverse conditions as well as have worse health habits and be victims of gun violence. And when it comes to gun violence, taxpayers shoulder about 80% of the medical costs mostly because victims are more likely to be from a group that’s heavily uninsured or on Medicaid. This amounts to billions of dollars. Still, while critics say that universal healthcare will lead to poor people mooching off taxpayers, Americans are basically paying for poor people’s medical treatment now as we speak. And the fact that many of them don’t have insurance is part of the reason. Oh, and when these people go on Medicare, taxpayers pay the bill for those who may be suffering a lot of chronic health conditions brought by illness and injury that could’ve been treated years ago.

This is from a 2011 infographic on the consequences of being uninsured in the United States and shows what could happen to those people such as an undetected serious condition, disability, and early death.

8. If a poor homeless bum can be uninsured, then so can you– whether it’s being unable to afford insurance, dropped coverage from the insurance company, or job loss, if a poor person is uninsured, then it affects your access to affordable healthcare. This is especially true, when poor people visit the emergency room because it’s the only place in the hospital that would take them. And it’s usually the insured who pay for their treatment as well as contributes to high healthcare costs since emergency care is extremely expensive and with unpredictable cost. The higher healthcare prices rise, the more likely people are going to end up uninsured. If the healthcare system treated the poor in the way it treats the insured (like regular checkups, follow-up visits, etc.), healthcare costs may not have gotten this bad.

Here are even some more statistics from the 2011 infographic on the costs of being uninsured in America such as early death, multiple ER visits, and unpaid medical bills.

9. Treating the poor in the Emergency Room makes hospitals less likely to adequately treat patients in truly emergency situations– all too often in the United States, Emergency Rooms usually serve as places that treat the uninsured since they can’t turn anyone away. Most of the time when the uninsured have a serious condition, they will simply not seek any medical attention until it gets substantially worse. Not to mention, there are some patients who aren’t experiencing actual emergencies and those who’d be better served in a non-acute setting. These patients are usually there because they’re uninsured. This leaves ERs basically overused, overcrowded, and with an overstressed staff which would inhibit their effectiveness in treating ER patients with real life threatening conditions, insured or not. Thus, when uninsured flood the emergency room, quality emergency care is compromised.

This is a chart from Forbes magazine comparing the quality of US healthcare to that of 10 other countries as well as the costs. By the way, the US is the only country on this chart that doesn’t have Universal Healthcare. Not to mention, this magazine isn’t run by liberals.

10. A lot of other industrialized countries have Universal Healthcare, most of which have better health systems than the United States– the US doesn’t have the best healthcare system in the world and one of the few industrialized countries that doesn’t have a universal healthcare system. Meanwhile, other countries have managed to have ways to guarantee universal affordable health care to all their citizens and their people are much healthier (though their systems may have their share of unique problems and challenges). The British have a National Health Service which is a point of national pride in the UK and spend half as much on healthcare as we do. While Japan is known for a high cost of living, their health services are comparatively cheap and you always know what you’re paying for. Taiwan and Canada have government run health systems while France, Germany, and Switzerland don’t (though their systems are non-profit while Switzerland’s healthcare plan is modeled after Hillary Clinton’s 1994 healthcare plan that didn’t pass Congress). Still, even the most conservative people in those countries are much more satisfied with their healthcare system than even Obamacare’s harshest critics are with ours. The United States spends more on healthcare than any other industrialized nation and affordable access is still denied. When tourists get sick in the country, they often find themselves getting medical bills that cost an extraordinary amount of money such as the Canadian woman slapped with a million dollars for having a child in Hawaii. This is unacceptable.

11. The United States provides a lot of taxpayer funded services– these include free public education, highways, fire department, police, national parks, historical preservation, national defense, public libraries, banking protections, postal service, water utilities, mass transit, emergency services in environmental and national disasters, and so many more. So why should paying for healthcare be any different? Thus, there should be no reason why universal healthcare isn’t unconstitutional.

This graph is from the Huffington Post pertaining to how much health care costs have increased since the 1960s, which they say is a staggering 818% while the GDP and wages not so much. This might be biased but it helps show why the US health system was in dire need of reform by Obamacare.

12. For-profit healthcare isn’t what it’s cracked up to be– sure you may hear libertarians say that an unregulated free market helps everyone. However, while health insurance companies may give some people choice in their own health plans, it only extends to those who are able to afford it or the wealthy. Those who aren’t rich may be compelled to choose a different plan which doesn’t allow them good access to services as well as charges exorbitantly high premiums. Before Obamacare, many health insurance companies dropped sick people or denied sick people insurance due to preexisting conditions. Those insured would have to pick the providers from those the insurance company would cover and would accept your policy (this is still the case, by the way). Those with employee health insurance plans usually have to go with the option the employer provides and are usually one lay off away from losing it. Then there’s the lifetime and annual limits insurance companies would impose on people as well as charging women more than men. Not what I call consumer choice.

13. Nobody wants to get rid of Medicare and Tricare– Tricare and Medicare are single payer healthcare programs that provide services for people over 65 and military veterans. And though both may have their problems, we have to understand that they are very popular. Even people who don’t believe in universal healthcare would admit that government should take care of our veterans and elderly. In fact, many of Obamacare’s opponents might even be on them.

This pie chart from the Kaiser Family Foundation shows why some uninsured adults in America go without health insurance with not being able to afford it the main reason at 32%.

14. For-profit healthcare is discriminatory, costly, and unsustainable– we need to face that a for-profit health care not only costs Americans and the government billions, but also excludes a lot of Americans from accessing healthcare as well as makes it unaffordable for even those with insurance. The very fact that healthcare has become so expensive has led to most personal bankruptcies as well as is leading more companies to drop their employee healthcare plans. Furthermore, it’s also the main reason why it’s so hard to start a business and why small businesses have a hard time hiring workers. And while for-profit healthcare may have competition, it’s now the main reason for higher health prices because the insurance companies are focused on higher short term profits and administrative costs. Thus, for-profit healthcare is economically unsustainable.

15. Opposition to universal healthcare is mostly on ideological grounds– now while there is tremendous opposition against universal healthcare in the United States, it has absolutely nothing to do with how they feel about the healthcare system nor how they feel about services like Medicare and Tricare. I did a poll once on the US healthcare system for my high school civics class and found out that even those who opposed universal healthcare were just as likely to be unsatisfied with the US healthcare system as those who supported it (this, back in 2008). People who oppose universal healthcare usually try to make the issue about social entitlements to the poor as well as an issue of free market capitalism, equating it with “socialized medicine,” and big government “nanny state.” However, if you ask whether the government should provide healthcare to our veterans and senior citizens, even the most hardened conservatives would find it difficult to say no. This is especially true if you consider the fact a lot of senior citizens and veterans make up the conservative base and watch Fox News. So most of the opposition against universal healthcare is strictly ideological.

16. Money driven medicine doesn’t equal good quality care-In the United States, the healthcare system is arranged in a “fee for service” model which doctors get paid for providing services regardless of treatment outcome. It’s not unusual in the United States for doctors to prescribe treatments to patients that could possibly do nothing or be harmful and could hurt their quality of life. We need to understand that what makes a good business model doesn’t always translate into the quality a business has to offer, especially if it pertains to a business that’s supposed to save lives. Sure the insurance company makes money from treatments but so do the drug companies, hospitals, as well as those who make medical instruments and devices. But the fact medical malpractice in America is so common that medical errors kill more Americans per year than car wrecks that it’s big business as well. The people who the healthcare industry makes the most money off of isn’t the richest patients, but the sickest ones, which is why many seniors suffer greatly as they approach the end of their lives. In fact, said that 30,000 Americans die due to “overtreatment” each year as well. Add to that Americans spend more on healthcare than anyone else in the world on a system that discriminates the poor, you can see why nobody in the United States is satisfied with the healthcare they receive.

17. Free market economics don’t lead to greater cost control and effectiveness– despite what many universal healthcare opponents, conservatives, and libertarians may say, free market economics doesn’t necessarily make goods and services any cheaper. Now the healthcare system is driven by two market forces known as demand and the need to make greater profits than the previous year. This is the main reason why healthcare prices increase in the first place. Despite the economic recession that took hold in 2008, health insurance companies increased their profits by 56% in 2009 alone while between 2000-2006 as workers’ wages increased 3.8%, healthcare premiums rose 87%. In 2009, the top 5 health insurance companies in America ended up with a combined profit of $12.2 billion with their executives receiving as much as $200 million in total compensation. While the healthcare system operates on profit motives and competition, we still have people uninsured and costs are out of control as we speak. So much for free market economics.

18. The ER and medical services designed to help the poor are no substitute for having a PCP– a common myth about healthcare in America cited by many universal healthcare opponents is that being uninsured doesn’t mean they can’t receive healthcare for they can go to the ER and that there are plenty of government and private medical practices helping the uninsured. Sure it may be illegal to turn away people from the ER but such care doesn’t provide adequate care to most serious conditions, especially if they were previously undiagnosed. If the uninsured are unable to pay for care in full (which is 2.5 times more than what people with insurance pay), they’re often turned away when they seek follow-up care for urgent medical conditions. Treating a chronic condition requires much more medical care than an Emergency Room visit and lack of follow-ups attributed to being uninsured can delay detection of certain cancers that lead to adverse outcomes. As for the medical providers who do treat the uninsured, how in the hell is an uninsured person supposed to find them? In the US, the term “non-profit hospital” is basically a joke. Besides, free and discounted health services aren’t a common thing. In the US, if you can’t afford a regular source of healthcare like a PCP, then you’re medically screwed.

A 2013 survey from the Kaiser Family Foundation show that 2/3 of Americans regardless of coverage status are worried about being unable to pay their medical bills in the event of a serious accident/illness. Even being insured doesn’t provide that security from medical bill troubles.

19. There’s nothing more stressful in America as unpaid medical bills-in the United States, being concerned with how much you’ll have to pay for medical treatments for serious illnesses, injuries, and/or childbirth isn’t an unusual thing, even if you have health insurance. Since uninsured patients are charged 2.5 times more for care than their insured counterparts, it’s particularly scary for them to think that they’re once serious illness away from death, disability, or financial ruin. Most uninsured usually postpone needed care because they’re simply not confident they could pay for it. 2004 statistics say that they’re over twice as likely to report problems paying medical bills and are almost 3 times as likely to be contacted by a collection agency about them. Even if you have insurance, there’s no guarantee that your coverage will cover the costs that your medical bills demand, even if you’re on an employee-based plan. The fact that more Americans are becoming, “underinsured” really shows that healthcare is becoming less affordable by the year. No sick person in America should worry about paying medical bills once they get better. Add to the fact that more personal bankruptcies in America are caused by medical bills.

A 2014 stat by Vox that says about 201,000 Americans are killed every year due to medical errors that most healthcare providers try to avoid.

20. Medical treatment is more focused on insurance procedures and malpractice liability– as a for-profit system insurance procedures and malpractice liability have a lot of influence on how doctors treat patients. Forbes has reported that 92% of clinicians admit to making some medical decisions based on avoiding lawsuits, as opposed to the best interests of their patients. Patients put a lot of trust in their doctors for a lot of understandable reasons. Most patients want to feel that doctors will think of their best interests and make recommendations to their well-being accordingly. In money driven medicine (a.k.a. for-profit healthcare), you can’t always be sure that caregivers and patients will decide what’s best for the patient’s health. Sometimes decisions are made due to insurance procedures and perhaps on avoiding malpractice lawsuits, which cost lots of money as well as could possibly lead to a doctor losing his or her medical license. Sometimes doctors suggests the treatment that would get the most money, not what the patient needs. In fact, much of the healthcare industry makes its money by having patients spend exorbitant amounts on tests and scans they don’t actually need. Regardless of what doctors think about universal healthcare, most would rather just treat people without having to worry about interference from the medical billing department or the insurance company.

A 2012 infographic from NPR shows that while 56% of Americans have health insurance through their employers, 1 in 3 Americans are in a family that has trouble paying medical bills. Let that sink in.

21. Most Americans are unsatisfied with the US healthcare system– despite what many people on Fox News may tell you, even the most diehard opponents of Obamacare can admit that the US healthcare system isn’t the best in the world. There are tons of healthcare horror stories in America such as people being charged high bills for cancer treatment, people meeting untimely ends due to not having insurance or the insurance not paying for treatment, dying due to receiving too much treatment, being denied for a preexisting condition, and so much more. About all the documentaries on the US healthcare system I’ve seen, Michael Moore’s Sicko was about the easiest to watch while the Bill Moyers Journal feature of “Money Driven Medicine” during the Obamacare debates was about the hardest. Now these documentaries may have varying degrees of accuracy but there are many Americans have or know someone who’s been screwed the US healthcare system which may range from frustrating to downright devastating. While there may be great contention on whether to have universal healthcare or reform healthcare at all, most Americans can agree that the for-profit healthcare system right now simply isn’t working.

22. Even healthy people can develop serious problems that need treatment– another argument against universal healthcare is that it would make healthy people who take care of themselves pay for burden of those with unhealthy lifestyles. However, while a healthy lifestyle can add years to your life, it’s no guarantee that you’ll live a long and healthy life, which may have more to do with family history and environmental hazards neither of which people have control over. You might also get injured in an accident or get shot at, which also needs serious medical attention. And even some people’s unhealthy lifestyles might also have a lot to do with factors beyond their control like having to work more than one job, occupational hazards, living in a poor neighborhood without a grocery store, bad upbringing, poverty, inadequate education, genetics, and others. Also, there are plenty of children who have serious health conditions as well as disabilities that need medical attention. Should they be denied? Not to mention, seniors and veterans aren’t the healthiest individuals in American society, so should we not pay taxes for their healthcare? I know this may be a bit extreme but we need to understand that there are times when bad health has very little to do with bad lifestyle choices alone. We try not to let natural disasters ruin people’s lives. Why should healthcare be any different?

23. We pay more of a price for not treating people when they should be– I know plenty of people complain about the healthcare system and think that we’ll pay more if we let poor people receive adequate medical treatment. For the uninsured the only outlet of medical care is basically the ER and a visit there is much more expensive than a routine visit to the PCP. Yet, since most PCPs only take insured patients, most uninsured don’t have this option and will postpone necessary treatment for serious illnesses because they simply can’t afford it. As a result, uninsured patients are more likely to be admitted into the ER with an undiagnosed late stage illness than an insured person would. Since an uninsured patient will probably be turned down for follow up, he or she will likely end up readmitted into the Emergency Room multiple times until they die prematurely. The costs add up as well as passed to consumers and insurance companies to foot. People who see a regular care provider are more likely to have any serious illness detected in the early stages as well as be treated for it as soon as possible. When it comes to serious illnesses or injuries, having a regular care provider can result in fewer hospital stays as well as Emergency Room visits, which can save a lot of money in the long term. In addition, providing preventative care to all Americans also saves a lot of costs down the line as well.

24. Most Americans support universal healthcare-despite how vocal Obamacare opponents could get, two thirds of Americans support a universal healthcare system while 90% at least believe that our healthcare system should be reformed. While it’s seen as a mostly Democratic issue, it has support among health care officials, religious leaders, and other major organizations. So this is an issue with a large amount of popular support. The fact that the United States is one of the few industrialized countries without universal healthcare is more due to party politics, healthcare being a multi-billion dollar business, and special interest lobbying. Still, if that’s not a reason for universal healthcare, then I don’t know what is.

Graph on hospital openings and closures between 2000 to 2012. Of course, these numbers only pertain to those participating in Medicare. But then again, most US hospitals do anyway. Yet, while they still happen not that it was a much bigger problem before Obamacare as this graph shows.

25. High medical costs have led to hospitals being shut down and less services to access-Now I know that hospitals are big players in the healthcare system. Yet, in recent years, the rise of healthcare costs and uninsured during the Bush years has led to a lot of medical establishments being shut down since they can’t measure up to their competitors or couldn’t get enough patients. This has not only created less available healthcare services, it’s also led to job loss and economically devastated communities, especially if it’s the establishment that keeps the town going. This results in people having to travel further for services and longer lines. A for-profit healthcare system may seem like a good business plan in theory, but it also gives hospitals more of an incentive to make profits, which shouldn’t be its main priority. This is why medical costs rise, which makes healthcare less affordable. When healthcare is less affordable, then hospitals receive less patients. This leads many hospitals into a financial loss and eventual shut down. What’s even worse is that many hospital shutdowns happen in the poorest communities with the sickest patients, which is a terrible shame. When there are less services, it’s another reason for high health care costs and more limited availability.

Last February, I did a post on vintage album covers that have been a great success. So with January being what it is on not having much material and the fact I’ve basically no ideas for an epic post series, I decided to do another edition. Of course, I’ve done subsequent editions on postcards and book covers so why not? Not to mention, I even did an album covers Christmas edition as well. Nevertheless, you can understand the significance of what album covers can do for the albums they promote. We’ll always remember Pink Floyd’s Dark Side of the Moon album because of it’s picture of a prism forming a rainbow on a beam of light is what makes this piece of rock memorabilia (along with the songs). However, if you’re someone who expects to see the great album covers, then I think you better go somewhere else on the internet like Ebay or Amazon since this post to some of the great album art disasters in music history. Some may be bad due to bad and outdated fashion sense. Some may due to photoshop and weird photo ops. Others simply because the record company didn’t have the budget. There may be a lot of reasons like causing offense. But the reason I post such terrible album covers because many of them tend to be unintentionally funny. So without further adieu, here is a collection of vintage album covers that really haven’t held too well to say the least. (Warning content may not be suitable for children and there may be offensive content but of course, these are terrible album covers we’re talking about).

1. Mike Pacheco: Bongo Date with Mike Pacheco

So let me get this straight. Is it that bongo players only prefer hookers? Or is it that only hookers prefer bongo players? Either way, it kind of seems geared to people who hate Beatniks. Then again, bongo players aren’t really seen as desirable dates.

After a night playing bongos during a poetry session at the local Beatnik bar at Greenwich Village, bongo boy Mike has a smoke near a lamp post before hitting the hay with a pantiless call girl named Giselle. Of course, he’s dead broke by the next morning.

2. Rock n’ Roll Party: Oldies and Goodies

I can’t imagine any teen wanting to be seen with this album. Nor could I see any parent buying it for their kids since it may cause boys to do Riverdance and float as well as girls lose their shoes and have their dresses fly by. Then again, the designer was probably on LSD at the time.

Finally, an album for the teen rock fan given by the relatives who have no idea what rock music is and perhaps gave them the possible 1960s equivalent to a Kidz Bop album. Either that, or an album of rock n’ roll favorites not performed by the original artists. Still, a very corny cover.

3. Adolfo Waltzman and his Hula Hoopers: Hula Hoop!

I don’t know about you but hula hooping with no hands or neck is pretty impressive now that I think about it. And that guy is even using 3 of them.

Finally, an album containing music I can do the hula hoop with. Just what I needed (sarcasm).

4. Ernie Coombs: Mr. Dressup

Now this album is from a Canadian children’s show by the same name that ran from 1967 to 1996. It bears a lot of similarities to Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood. Yet, from the look of Mr. Dressup’s face as he cheerfully saws his wooden plank, I sure don’t want to be in his “Neighborhood of Make-Believe.” Also, the puppets are terrifying.

“Hello, kids, and welcome to my workshop. Don’t mind me working with the saw I could possibly cut you to pieces with. Oh, and by the way, those toys are either soulless or demon possessed. I’m not sure which.”

5. Sin Alley Vol. 1

Also, this album seems to be subjected to the same kind of advertising treatment you’d apply to a strip club, brothel, or sex dungeon. Then again, this might’ve been the designer’s intention. Can’t wait to hear the one about Kermit having an Ultimate Fighting sex orgy with 3 boobed green women from Mars. Bet Miss Piggy’s going to be pissed.

Finally, an album with 18 rockabilly blasters pertaining to everything a young man between the ages of 13 to 30 would love such as sex, lust, fighting, Martians, more sex, and frogs?

6. Saxomaniac: Sax Sounds

“For the last fucking time, if I ever hear that God awful castrated Bebpop and Fusion shit that sound like what I hear when I get a root canal, then I’ll have to jump off a cliff! Oh, the horror! The horror!”

Looks like this woman is a waitress at some kind of high end cocktail lounge. I mean she obviously has heard enough smooth jazz music in a lifetime to drive her utterly screaming with her eardrums bleeding. It’s a real tragic case.

7. Argentina Coral: Cante Gitano

I know that this woman is photographed for the album art to look sexy with the apparent make up job. However, she just reminds me of a stern Italian woman who’s seething with rage after finding out her husband had slept with every other female in town, including her mother and sisters.

“All right, Mr. DeVille, I’m ready for my close up, even if you aren’t you no good son of a bitch.” Please don’t be a wax model of Amy Winehouse as if she would’ve been if she’d just go to rehab already. Sorry about that, Amy Winehouse fans.

8. Saventa Jovanovic: Lazno Je, Lazno, Sve Sto, Je Tvoje

This is from Yugoslavia, where I suppose the women had a different set of what I’d call, “grooming habits,” than in other countries during the 1960s. Of course, this would’ve just come off as just as another piece of tacky 1960s fashion but the Mrs. Bigfoot legs make it all the more memorable.

I’m sure sitting with her legs crossed in a short skirt won’t make it look like she’s like any other Eastern European with bad fashion sense.

9. Tozovac: Jeremija

Now I know many guys think that they’d look more badass being photographed near a humongous military tank. However, fellas, you might want to take note that having a big ass anti-aircraft gun between your legs, might make people think you’re insecure with your masculinity.

I suppose in the Eastern Bloc Era, it meant, “compensating for something” or “stop making fun of my penis.”

10. Don Costa’s Free Loaders: Music to Break a Sub-Lease

Seems like these people were evicted from their apartment while having a party. Looks like their jam party sessions have finally caught up to them that the landlord basically had to kick them out. That, and for not paying the rent of course.

Hey, poor and homeless people need music, too, even this album just play songs you’d hear on the discount rack albums you’d find at the dollar store.

11. The Tattoos: Pops Go Trumpet

Still, what’s with the double bells here. Looks freaky. Also, I wonder if a trumpeter needs to see a doctor if their trumpet’s erection lasts for more than 4 hours. Also, what do you give a trumpet suffering from erectile dysfunction? Or is that none of my business?

Seems like a naked woman would lead to any horny trumpeter sporting an erection both on their instrument and in their pants.

12. Electronic Music

My sister attends VCU as as a commercial art student and would be horrified if she ever saw any crap like this. Seriously, looks as if some cartoon character took a dump on it.

“A new concept of music, created by sonic vibrations” too bad the cover resembles something you’d find in a trash heap at a modern art museum. Seriously, what the hell is that supposed to be? Or do I just not understand the concept of “abstract” here?

13. Jack Fascinato: Music from a Surplus Store

What bugs me about this is that the woman on this album is obviously wealthy since she has a fur stole, something Audrey Hepburn would wear, and a guy to carry stuff she wants to buy. Not somebody I’d see at a surplus store. Then again, perhaps her husband lost a lot of money on Wall Street and is now in prison.

Or as I call it, either music that’s outdated or totally crap or music not available on a CD you can rip onto Windows Media Player. Also, nowadays music you hear from a surplus store isn’t what I’d call “a basketful of new sounds.” That would be iTunes.

14. Jack McDuff: Sophisticated Funk

Of course, it’s obvious that this one was made from 2 elbow patches and a cheap hotel lock. Still, contrary to what you know about the Middle Ages, most of such “medieval” artifact chastity belts turned out as fakes. More likely they were used as a 19th century device to keep boys from jerking off. Now they’re used in BDSM.

Featuring the latest model in chastity belt technology. For those paranoid husbands concerned about your nympho wife’s potential to cheat on you, this model comes with a keypad lock with its own code.

15. Vintage album from South Korea. Can’t read the Asian characters for the artist or title (possibly the soundtrack to Planet of the Apes).

Love to hear Charlton Heston say, “Keep your stinking music off me, you damn, dirty ape!” Still, despite being inordinately hairy, they seem to have impeccable fashion sense, especially the one with the pimp cane.

Strangely, after taking over Earth, the apes seemed to have a thriving music industry with the unfortunate side effect of producing just as crappy albums like their human predecessors from Planet of the Apes.

16. Lowell Mason an the Crusaders: Sing for God and Country

Of course, I know I’m as guilty as anyone when it comes to calling dwarfs “midgets” (though my dad’s more an offender) but despite it’s amusing connotation, people with dwarfism don’t like being called this. In fact, they consider “midget” as deeply offensive. Nevertheless, this guy seems to have the same poise as Peter Dinkledge from Game of Thrones.

Finally, a Christian album that celebrates man’s music while calling him by a very offensive term in the dwarfism community.

Another thing that disappointed me was the album featuring a woman holding a yellow rose and not seeing, “La Rosa Amarilla de Tejas” anywhere in the track listing. I mean, that would’ve been a perfect cover image for such a single.

Now this title translates from Spanish as “Unforgettable: The Mysterious Horseman Vol. 5” which is a perfectly good title. However, I know Mexico takes pride in their luchador wrestlers and their costumes, but that guy just seems less of a “mysterious manly man” and more of a “bank robber.” Let’s just say, I’d more likely make a deposit in my pants if I saw him near where I cash in my checks.

Hate to say this, but Sammy Davis Jr. looks totally like a gangster in this with his bling, leather jacket, smoking his cigarette, and wielding an AK-47 while Lawford seems asking for cash.

Watch out, Commies, here comes the super spy guy with the glass eye! And his British friend and onetime JFK brother-in-law, Peter Lawford. Must’ve been a movie that sucked. By the way, directed by the same guy who brought you Lethal Weapon.

19. Elsa Popping and her Pixieland Band: Delirium in Hi-Fi

Okay, this family seems to have a guy humping a couch, a dead woman behind a sofa, and a guy on the far left with headphones hooked up to a girl’s ass. Seems to make the Addams family look normal. Not only that, but even the dog has his own pair, but they’re hooked up to the record player. There’s even a cover of this in color with a space ship near Earth.

Yes, what kind of music to listen to on a lazy evening around the record player with the folks?

20. Slim Goodbody: The Inside Story

Before he joined SCTV and SNL where he achieved fame as Ed Grimely, Canadian comedian Martin Short was once a performer in an afro known as “Slim Goodbody” who’d make educational albums for kids on the human body, covering all parts but the reproductive system.

I’ve heard of body suits but this is overdoing. I mean it’s not that it shows too little. It just shows way too much. Comes with, “Special bonus full color activity poster and lyric sheet.” Ugh.

21. Ludwig: Zither Soloist

Of course, when I hear zither music, I think of Joseph Cotten on the streets of war torn Vienna trying to find out what happened to Orson Welles who’s been running a racket administrating diluted penicillin to sick children.

I get that sex sells but I don’t see how a tin foil Babarella bikini could be any comfortable to say the least. Seriously, why?

Looks like the album cover has been taking the brown acid at Woodstock for far too long.

23. Various Artists: The Wild Sounds of Satan’s Sadists

Of course, this is a soundtrack from a biker movie from the 1960s which wasn’t Easy Rider an probably wasn’t as good. I’m not sure about the soundtrack though.

Okay, is it just me or do those red bikers guy seem to be peeing on smaller version of themselves?

24. Steve Karmen: Music to the Motion Picture What Do You Say to a Naked Lady?

From the San Diego Reader: “The 1970 film What Do You Say to a Naked Lady was actually a spin-off of the Candid Camera TV show, done by Allen Funt for adults only. Originally rated X (I have it on video), the movie catches people reacting in public to, well, a naked lady – how THAT translates to a RECORD ALBUM, only Satan’s Sadists can say….”

“Now Sally has lent her services to the medical school by exposing herself to the class on today’s lesson on female sexuality and the reproductive system. I expect all of you to be on your best behavior.”

25. Little Richard Miller: Jesus Use Me

Also, plays bass by the way. Still, are they also saying that he drives a tour bus, too? And if so, did he hit a fire hydrant or what? Not to mention, the Jesus picture in the corner just freaks me out.

I don’t know about you, but regardless of how inspirational they make it out to be, I just find the idea of a person playing keyboard with no limbs quite terrifying if you ask me.

26. Lionel Blair: Aerobic Dancing

Okay, well, I’ve seen my mom and sister watch aerobics videos and DVDs since I was a kid and that album cover reflects why I’d just avoid them like the plague whenever I could. Just let me go for a walk or bike ride, thank you very much. Still, Key and Peele did a great parody of the 1980s aerobic fitness craze in one of their sketches.

Nothing makes a typical 1980s aerobics album than a helmet haired guy with a goofy smile, tube socks, and horrendously short shorts many would consider hot pants. Also does aerobic instruction to the E. T. theme song, what the hell?

27. Bell: Do You Ever Get Lonely?

I’m sure this woman gets lonely a lot these days. Hardly anyone seems to understand the art of painting cow skulls for interior decorating. Seriously, what the hell? This is probably a country music album.

Let’s see a big haired 1980s woman in a model pose with a large colorful skull of a horned cow she might’ve slaughtered. Talk about having a twisted craft hobbies. Painting cow skulls is one of the creepiest.

28. The McDonald Sisters: I’ve Got Confidence

Sometimes confidence is a positive attribute. And sometimes it can be seriously misguided as in this case. Seriously, those pink dresses are hideous.

And I sure have confidence that having these girls take their picture in knitted pink dresses was probably not a good idea. I’m sure nobody behind the scenes shared their confidence because the title’s in quotes.

29. Heino: Heino

Okay, I don’t know about you, but I fear for the dogs’ safety if they had an owner like that. Still, since 1966, he’s been one of Germany’s most successful recording artists selling 50 million albums and still going strong. Also been married 3 times. He’s even creepier without his glasses. Still, he must have something since he’s put out a lot of albums with terrible covers.

Oh, creepy German Heino, I can never forget you in a post like this. Now this one shows him as an avid dog lover in his darkened shades with his 3 poodles. What can be more heartwarming than that?

30. Kimya Dawson and Friends: Alphabutt

Of course, this isn’t really a vintage album cover since ti came out in 2007. But I’m going to leave it in anyway since it’s just so freaky and hilarious. I don’t care what’s on the record. Just want to know how this cover was produced.

Nothing makes a great educational album for the kids than one that teaches the alphabet with animals farting the letters. Seems like the rabbit can rip out the most.

31. Ted Cassidy: The Lurch

From San Diego Reader: “I have to admit, I’m dying to hear this record! All Lurch did on the Addams Family TV show is grunt and mutter “You Rang?” in that gutteral Tom-Waits-on-Valium voice of his – WTF could possibly be on this record??? And b/w “Wesley”???” Perhaps he should do an album with Vin Diesel as Groot if he’s still alive. Probably not.

Oh, my God, I didn’t know Lurch had an album. Wonder if it’s just him singing with “You rang?” which is all he said on the show. Seriously, this might be worth hearing.

32. Lena Zavaroni: Ma! He’s Making Eyes at Me

I don’t know about you but it seems that this girl has some sort of demonic glint in her eyes. It’s as if she wants to take a knife and murder the audience once she’s done singing.

As if the title was creepy enough, she’s dressed like Barbie Benton and fellating the mic. Then again, maybe it’s just the lighting done to her stage mother’s designation.

33. Trever Daniels: Time Was

Then again, it’s probably just photoshop. Or that such keyboards are really that big but I highly doubt it since my grandparents used to own an organ like this before getting a synthesizer.

Is it just me or does that guy seem a bit too big to be on the organ?

34. The Scorpions: Moment of Glory

Now if she could have a tiara, it would be perfect. Still, at least the Scorpions have come a long way with cover design once featuring naked pre-adolescent girls and melting human flesh. Still, it’s as laughable as it’s terrible.

Now I could tell that this is a female Tyrannosaurus Rex since she’s all decked out in her regal jewels and finery. Thus, she’s a real Queen of the Tyrants, a Tyrannosaurus Regina if you will.

35. E’ Lei: I Cugini di Campagna

What’s even funnier is that 2 of these guys have afros and all have platform shoes on. Of course, since Italians love dressing in fine clothes, it’s probably no surprise that these polyester suits were made by some designer and didn’t come cheap.

Seriously, how could they get away with this in the 1960s? Still, seems that Eddie Mack has that stupid grin on his face as if he’s saying, “fanservice, simply fanservice.” Nevertheless, she’s probably there to give him a lap dance.

I suppose the Open Sandwich Club was a nudie bar as indicated by the naked woman on the piano.

37. Riot: Rock City

Of course, this is consistent with Riot’s environmental message concerning the welfare of baby seals. Be nice to them or else suffer a nuclear holocaust as well as axe murder to those who survive.

All right, I’m starting to get a little uneasy about the baby seal head guy. Seriously, despite his adorable face that makes your heart melt, he seems to show signs of being a psychopath.

38. Sir Adrian Bolt: The Planets

Sure Gustuv Holst was a classical composer. However, this cover just seems like it’s straight out of a bad movie from Syfy instead of something that would inspire people to contemplate the vastness of the solar system and the infinity of the universe. That or something you’d find in Neil Degrasse Tyson’s childhood record collection.

Or what you get when Flesh Gordon and Barbarella pose in a bad Buggles music video. Seriously, this would’ve made Gustuv Holst turn in his grave.

39. Bug Out! Vol. 1

Of course, at least the designer didn’t have a cover featuring a giant spider or ant. Still, I think it’s better that he didn’t feature a mating scene with praying manti. For those who know anything about that, you know what happens after manti sex.

With the giant praying mantis on the cover, how about no way in hell. Seriously, I don’t want to be a 10,000 ft praying mantis lunch.

40. Will Starr: This is Will Star ‘the Daddy of Them All’

And you thought Weird Al made polka albums dressed in very crazy attire? Well, Will Starr seems to surpass him in polka playing tackiness and he probably doesn’t even write novelty songs. Also, looks as if he’ll keep playing polkas with his accordion of death until you drop cold and lifeless on the floor. That or if your ears start bleeding.

This is the kind of cover that would make someone want to smash people with a shovel until the state troopers show up to taze them to death. Oh, my God is Baby Lu-Lu supposed to be a dog? That makes me freak out even more.

Nothing makes a wholesome album for families than one featuring a blond haired woman in a red gingham dress and way too much hair spray loving her dogs to death. In the words of Elmira, “I’ll love them and squeeze them and keep them for ever and ever. Mwa ha ha ha ha.”

42. Yellowman: Walking Jewelry Store

Then again, saying he’s a walking jewelry store might be saying a bit much since the bling seems like it could be found in any low price store. Walking outlet maybe. Still, if he wasn’t black, I’d assume he’s spent way too much time in a tanning salon. Also, that hairstyle is horrendous.

I’m sure that album’s title is derived from one of Yellowman’s street names during his days as a gangbanger.

43. Enoch Light and the Light Brigade: The Best Movie Themes 1970

This family must have their own private theater and popcorn machine or something. Either that or they’re at a family friendly nudist camp with it’s own movie theater. I mean people who walk naked in public usually get arrested for indecent exposure even if it’s for jerking off in a porno theater.

Because the family that goes to the movies naked together stays together.

44. Bobby Jimmy and the Critters: Ugly Knuckle Butt

Still, despite that he’s wearing a white tennis outfit, the girls seem to find him sexy for some reason. Then again, they might be hookers or work other sectors in the adult entertainment industry.

Or as Bobby Jimmy said, “Oh, hell no, you’re naming my album that!”

45. Electronic Music to Blow Your Mind!

Then again, this might as well have been John Lennon’s mind on drugs while he was writing music within the Beatles’ psychedelic phase like Revolver, Sgt. Pepper, and Magical Mystery Tour.

From San Diego Reader: “Let’s draw someone who looks vaguely like John Lennon, and then spill some colored paint on the cover, and maybe people will think it’s a Beatles album!”

46. Ruben Vela: Mucho Tequila

I’m sorry but even most medical experts would say that a man can’t take that much alcohol at one time and not die of liver cirrhosis, let alone a woman. Seriously, get this senorita mexicana to a donce-step program pronto! God, how many bottles has she drank already?

I don’t know about you but I think this woman needs to check into rehab and AA meetings because I think she might have a drinking problem, at least.

47. Camilo Sesto: Entre Amigos

Boy, is my mom going to be green with envy with all the flourishing ivy around this guy. The ivy covering my house hasn’t been in the best shape these days since a lot of it died one winter.

From San Diego Reader: “Let’s get that photo I took of the pervert stalker hiding in the bushes and make it our album cover….”

48. Mrs. Miller: Mrs. Miller’s Greatest Hits

From San Diego Reader: “You laugh, but you should hear this soulful mama belting out “These Boots Were Made For Walking” and “Hard Day’s Night”! You’ll laugh even harder…” Still, looks pretty loaded by the expression on her face. Must sound quite horrible.

Basically the album with songs sung by that hard drinking and chain smoking middle aged woman you meet at a karaoke bar. Also, most of these songs are covers and it’s a greatest hits album? Seriously, why?

49. Ray Howard: The Cotton Pickin’ Lift Tower and Other Skiing Songs

Of course, a fall that high could break your neck. If not, then he’s probably suffered a serious spinal injury and probably will be confined to a wheelchair for the rest of his life. Seriously, what were they thinking?

Looks like the first one killed him. If he’s in Colorado, probably died while high on weed. So remember, kids, never dare play music on a ski lift tower. It’s a very stupid thing to do. Look what happened to him.

50. Nester Shydlowsky and the Royal Polka Kings: Buying a Car Ukrainian Style

From San Diego Reader: “Where oh where to start – the guy’s giant pointy elf shoes? The mysterious brown liquid seeping out from between the girl’s legs and onto the floor? The Beep Beep poster with inexplicable ocean motif? The hemorroid donut mounted on a wall with garden trellis?” Yeah, you can find a lot of crazy things wrong with this. Seems like the dealership is short of a few janitors at the moment. The girl’s just for holding guitars and show, you know.

Basically this consists of bringing your accordion to the auto dealership, finding the car you want, and annoying the living shit out of the dealer so they could sell it to you at a bargain price. Try to go for a yellow one.

We’ve all done it at one time. Say you’re listening and singing along to this catchy song either in a car, party, store, or karaoke bar. You might be singing to the words you thought you were hearing from the audio entertainment system and even though they don’t necessarily make sense, well, you figure that it wasn’t the song’s point. And then someone tells you what the real words are and you feel quite embarrassed. This is especially so when you actually look up the lyrics online. Yeah, we’ve all been there. You might not have know that there’s a name to such mishearings called “mondegreens” whose origin I described in my last mondegreen post on Christmas songs. Yet, now that it’s January and the holidays are over, now the real fun can begin. Of course, some of these songs may be pop favorites while others may be from newer contemporary hits. But my primary sources for such musical mishearings are from Kiss This Guy and Am I Right? websites devoted to such karaoke blunders. So without further adieu, here are some examples of lyrics being sung the wrong way.

Either Robert Palmer is singing about falling in love or perhaps delivering a stealth insult to Michael Jackson as some hear. Of course, what’s the hell with all the creepy back up dancers. Got to love the 1980s.

1. Robert Palmer, “Addicted to Love”
Lyric: “Might as well face it, you’re addicted to love.”
Misheard as: “Might as well face it, you’re a dick with a glove.”

These people are cheering for the dawning of the age of peace, love, vegetables, and really stinky pee. Yes, this is the dawning of the Age of Asparagus when the moon is in the seventh house and Jupiter aligns with Mars.

3. Fifth Dimension, “Aquarius”
Lyric: “This is the dawning of the Age of Aquarius, Age of Aquarius”
Misheard as: “This is the dawning of the Age of Asparagus, Asparagus”

4. Toto, “Africa”
Lyric: “There’s nothing that a hundred men or more could ever do.”
Misheard as: “There’s nothing that a hundred men on Mars could ever do.”

9. Bryan Adams, “Summer of 69’”
Lyric: “Got my first real six string,/bought it at the five-and-dime./Played it till my fingers bled./It was the summer of 69.”
Misheard as: “Got my first real sex dream,/I was 5 at the time./Played it till my fingers bled./It was the summer of 69.”

Man, I knew that Jimi Hendrix may have taken too many drugs (unfortunately). Didn’t know that he went both ways though. Yeah, kiss this guy, indeed.

10. Jimi Hendrix, “Purple Haze”
Lyric: “’Scuse me, while I kiss the sky”
Misheard as: “’Scuse me, while I kiss this guy.”
Comment: From Kiss This Guy: “[Editor’s note: this is the singlemost commonly misheard lyric we’ve ever received, and is in fact the name of our new domain name!]”

Sorry, Lynyrd Skynyrd fans but I’m afraid we’ll have to cancel tonight’s performance since the whole band has been infected with ptomaine poisoning after eating dinner at a kids’ summer camp. Don’t ask me why.

20. Allan Sherman, “Hello, Mudda, Hello, Fadda (Letter from Camp)”
Lyric: “I went hiking with Joe Spivy;/He developed poison ivy./You remember Leonard Skinner;/He got ptomaine poisoning last night after dinner.”
Misheard as: “I went hiking with Joe Spivy;/He developed poison ivy./You remember Lynyrd Skynyrd;/He got ptomaine poisoning last night after dinner.”
Comment: Ironically, the name Lynyrd Skynyrd came from the high school gym teacher of some of the band’s original band members named Leonard Skinner who forced long haired boys to wear hairnets like cafeteria workers, which the guys naturally balked at. Also, despite being known for “Sweet Home Alabama,” the original Lynyrd Skynyrd members were from Jacksonville, Florida.

21. Manfred Mann’s Earth Band, “Blinded By the Light”
Lyric: “Revved up like a deuce/Another runner in the night”
Misheard as: “Wrapped up like a douche/Another rumor in the night”
Comment: I sometimes mishear the “deuce” part as “douche” whenever I hear this song.

31. Metallica, “Enter Sandman”
Lyric: “Dreams of war, Dreams of lies, Dreams of dragons fire, And of things that will bite”
Misheard as: “Dreams of war, dreams of lies, dreams of dragon’s fire and of baked apple pie”

Hey, Backstreet Boys, if you’re having stomach problems, you might want to try a few of these. They’re over the counter, by the way so if you feel gassy with an upset stomach, just go to your local pharmacy.

34. Johnny Cash, “Jackson”
Lyric: “We got married in a fever…..”
Misheard as: “We got married in a beaver…..”
Comment: From Kiss This Guy: “I was probably around 7 years old when I asked my mom why they got married in a beaver.”

40. Drake, “Forever”
Lyric: “I’m shuttin’ s**t down in the mall”
Misheard as: “I shouldn’t s**t down in the mall”

41. Green Day, “Good Riddance”
Lyric: “Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road./Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go.”
Misheard as: “Another turnip porn, the fork stuck in the road./Tongue grabs you by the ribs, directs you where to go.”

Problems with the glands downstairs, TISM, well, there may be something for that. Of course, you might want to get off the drug that shrivels it though. Nevertheless, if you have an erection lasting more than 4 hours, see your doctor.

42. TISM, “(He’ll Never Be an) Ol’ Man River”
Lyric: “I’m on the drug that killed River Phoenix”
Misheard as: “I’m on the drug that shrivels your penis”

Apparently, as Fall Out Boy implies, Tom Riddle (a.k.a. Lord Voldemort) does care about which pie whines as well as his own self-preservation in his quest for eternal life. Of course, if its a Muggle born pie, he’ll kill it.

46. Fall Out Boy, “This Ain’t a Scene, It’s an Arms Race”
Lyric: “Don’t really care, which side wins”
Misheard as: “Tom Riddle cares, which pie whines”
Comment: For those unfamiliar with Harry Potter, Tom Riddle is the original name of Lord Voldemort.

Of course, you’ll always lose to Dorothy when you mess with her, John Mellencamp. I mean if you go against her, she’ll always have a scarecrow, tinman, and lion to back her up. Oh, and her little dog, too. Look what happened to the Wicked Witch of the West for God’s sake.

72. Willie Nelson, “On the Road Again”
Lyric: “The life I love is making music with my friends”
Misheard as: “The wife I love is making music with my friends”

As what the Monkees are saying, the local rock group is trying so hard to learn their song but the band doesn’t seem to be getting in the hang of it. Hang on there, guys. Seriously, hang in there. Yet, if your lead singer can’t carry a tune, replace him.

73. The Monkees, “Pleasant Valley Sunday”
Lyric: “The local rock group down the street is tryin’ hard to learn their song”
Misheard as: “The local rock group down the street is tryin’ hard to learn this song”

74. Tom Petty, “Refugee”
Lyric: “You don’t have to live like a refugee”
Misheard as: “You don’t have to live like an amputee”

75. Hues Corporation, “Rock the Boat”
Lyric: “Well, I’d like to know where, you got the notion”
Misheard as: “Well, I’d like to know where, you got the nose from”

84. Foo Fighters, “The Pretender”
Lyric: “What if I say I’m not like the others?”
Misheard as: “What if I say I’m not like the otters?”
Comment: From Kiss This Guy: “I never knew what Dave Grohl had against those poor otters.”

97. War, “Slipping Into Darkness”
Lyric: “ I was slippin’ into darkness/When I heard my mother say/You’ve been slippin’ into darkness/Pretty soon you gonna pay”
Misheard as: “I was slippin’ in the dog mess/When I heard my mother say/You’ve been slippin’ in the dog mess/Pretty soon you gonna pay”