This morning could only be worse for Tottenham if they woke up to news that their name had been legally changed to Arsenal Reserves, George Graham was their manager again and the Arsenal Away Boyz had been commissioned to write a new official club song. Luckily none of that has happened. Yet. But this is still not a good day to be a Tottenham fan, with news emerging that Paris Saint-Germain want to replace Carlo Ancelotti with André Villas-Boas and Real Madrid are more than happy to pay £85m for Gareth Bale this summer, which happens to be the exact sum Monaco are going to bid for Cristiano Ronaldo. Tottenham will replace Villas-Boas with Paul Merson and Bale with Perry Groves.

Madrid, as ever, are readying themselves for a busy summer. Not content with only going after Bale, they'll be delighted to hear word of Luis Suárez's latest whinge about the British media, who are responsible for all the problems in the Uruguayan's life, from his faulty dishwasher to his brave grapple with gravity whenever an opposition defender comes within 10 yards of him. Won't somebody think of Poor Little Luis! Madrid are also eyeing a move for Sergio Agüero and have told Arsenal they can have Gonzalo Higuaín if they pull their finger out and dip it into that big pot of gold Ivan Gazidis has been making a big noise about for the past month. Higuaín is theirs for £25.5m.

Also available for the princely sum of £25.5m is Robert Lewandowski and now Borussia Dortmund have said he can't go to Bayern Munich, he'll be jetting off to Manchester United instead, who are happy to double his money to £90,000 a week. Lewandowski is still intent on joining Bayern, though. This one has legs. It's almost reaching saga status. Give it one more week. However, while United are busy wooing Lewandowski, Manchester City will be doing their best to stop Carlos Tevez going to Juventus or Milan, while Edin Dzeko is making eyes at Chelsea, who really should know better.

One of the more perplexing stories about José Mourinho's return to Chelsea this week has been his apparent willingness to sell Juan Mata, who will not be cheered to see reports linking them with a £38m move for Schalke's wonderkid Julian Draxler, the new Marko Marin. Chelsea are also close to signing Vitesse Arnhem's Marco van Ginkel, according to the player's agent, and Mourinho could soon be reunited with Wesley Sneijder. Tottenham are also sniffing around Galatasaray's £12.75m midfielder, who has been told by Holland's manager, Louis van Gaal, to up sticks and leave Turkey.

Poor Little Luis has just got a paper cut. Bad British Media!

Michael Laudrup still wants out of Swansea, it says here. He's being linked with the Roma job, although it looks like that's going to Rudi Garcia, who has a truly excellent name. Perhaps Laudrup will be appeased if Swansea can seal a deal for West Brom's Peter Odemwingie, who is also wanted by Cardiff City. Odemwingie will spend a day driving round south Wales before making a decision and West Brom will make everything better by signing the former West Ham striker, Carlton Cole.

Aston Villa have swooped for the Aalborg striker and Roman emperor Nicklas Helenius, which means that Darren Bent can go to Newcastle in a cut-price £6m deal. Newcastle are also back in for the Twente defender, Douglas, who likes to keep things simple when it comes to names.

Everton have a good defence and Wigan have a bad defence so the first thing Roberto Martínez is going to do as Everton's new manager is sign a Wigan defender. At least it's Antolín Alcaraz and not Gary Caldwell.

Andy Carroll is finally going to say "Howay" to West Ham, while Sam Allardyce wants to make the Milan midfielder Massimo Ambrosini his new Iván Campo. Arsenal are after Celtic's Victor Wanyama and Parma and Genoa are leading a Benny Hill-style chase for Vito Mannone.