I struggled a lot in writing this post. Not because it was difficult really, but because this is my husband’s story and it’s one that I don’t take lightly. I really wanted to do justice to the challenges that he’s faced, and ones that we are now facing as a family. I know that we all have different stories to tell and I believe that we all need to be heard. With that in mind, I want to share part of our journey with families who might be facing similar challenges.

My husband was raised in Laredo, a small border town in south Texas. At the age of 13, his family packed up all their belongings and decided to make a life in Michigan, where his father was born. They moved there looking for a better life, but what they found was an unimaginable culture shock and a world so very different from anything they had known.

Previously, my hubby had grown up in a land of Catholics and Tejanos. But, living in Michigan, he was suddenly aware that he couldn’t identify in the same way anymore. His parents, cousins…his whole family was Mexican, so there was no need to point it out. But now, being the minority, he heard labels like “Mexican”, “Latino” and “Hispanic” often. They were forced upon him along with various slurs about his less than acceptable heritage. It seemed he couldn’t escape being reminded that he was different, an outsider, “Mexican”. In Texas, he’d only identified as “Ricardo” or “Riqui”, but when his family arrived in Michigan, he was pushed to change his name to “Rick” or “Richard”. His father insisted that they study more English and get rid of their Spanish accents, in an effort to fit in with the more assimilated families…the more “white” families.

My husband began to loath living in the north and questioned his parents often about when they would return to Laredo. He grew to hate his new name, “Rick” and fiercely defended his right to be called by his birth name, “Ricardo”. On several occasions, he’s recounted to me how his grandmother in Michigan, a mexicana born south of the border, refused to call him by his name, the one that he’d known and come to identify with for so many years. He would get so upset that he would hang up the phone on her or refuse to visit with her if she wouldn’t address him in Spanish. It was like a slap in the face to him. Here he was, unaccepted by so many in this strange place, and even his familia made him feel like an outsider, like a “no good, dirty Mexican.”

I’m sure it was disheartening enough coming to a place where you were ridiculed for being “Mexican” and chased down empty streets by Aryan nationals spouting racial slurs. I can’t imagine having to go home and be renounced by your own father, uncles and grandparents for “acting too Mexican.”

Growing up between the two communities wasn’t easy. Over the next 20 some years, my husband struggled with balancing his identity. He struggled to fit in and get along. But his forced assimilation by his father left him barely speaking Spanish and isolated from the Hispanic community. He was too gringo to fit in with most Latinos and too Mexican to fit in with mainstream America. This left him in an odd place and it was difficult for him to relate to individuals on either side of the divide. Over time, he has come to realize that being Mexican is a source of pride. He’s learned his history, found his roots and allowed himself to let go of the stereotypes and just be Ricardo.

As a family, we’re facing another challenge together; how to raise a confident, bilingual, Latina daughter. Sounds easy, right? I mean, he is Latino after all…he has that in his favor. But how do you teach your child Spanish when you’re not fluent yourself? How do you include Mexican heritage in your daily life when you’ve missed out on so much of it? How do you raise your daughter to be confident and shake off criticism when you struggle with it so much yourself?

We take it day by day, practice our Spanish frequently, do plenty of online research into our history, attend every cultural event within traveling range, cook a variety of Mexican dishes, crank the Latin jams and meet up with other Latino parents who have similar concerns.

We give each other support and we look to others for understanding. Even with all that we have done to take part in our heritage and create our family identity, we still can’t help but wonder, “Will it be enough to instill in her a sense of belonging and a confidence about who she is?” Only time will tell.

Chantilly Patiño lives in the Midwest and loves to explore new cultures and relationships. As well as being the founder of MulticulturalFamilia.com, she writes on her personal blog, BiculturalMom.com, about diversity, discrimination, parenting, relationships, and other important topics relevant to ‘bicultural’ families.

Share some Spanglish Love

Get the newsletter!

Become a SpanglishMami! Sign up for the free newsletter to get updates on some of the best articles and resources for bilingual and bicultural familias, as well as exclusive Finds, giveaways and printables only for members.

Chantilly, my father’s family has been in Ohio since the 1830′s, but in their rural area nobody really needed to learn English. My father went to kindergarten in 1945, when the community literally had just discovered the truth about the concentration camps (they hadn’t been reading English newspapers). Right then, people decided to no longer speak German neither in public nor at home, and assimilate. It seems to have been a pretty unanimous decision in the communitiy. My dad remembers no German at all, but remembers the kindergarten teacher hit the kids on the palm one time with the ruler for each word of German she heard them speak, including on the playground. He also remembers his mother suddently started barely speaking to him at all and having his older sisters translate to tell him things until she had learned English well enough. It must have been awfully confusing for a 5 year old, and from my point of view, tragic to think about unique, wonderful aspects of culture I missed ever knowing. Every culture has something special about it. I think they threw the baby out with the bathwater.

I’m saying kudos to you for making the effort, because I’m here to tell you it’s not just possible but almost easy to obliterate a beautiful cultural uniqueness in just one generation, and I know your grandchildren will be very glad for what you are doing now.

Beth, wow…thank you for sharing! My great grandparents on my father’s side were immigrants from Austria and this story was also their story. My grandfather was made to assimilate for fear that people would see them as Nazis…my father could only speak a few words as a result and I know very very little. I’ve always wanted to relearn our heritage, take German and visit Austria. Maybe someday I will. Thank you for sharing your story. There are still some places in the U.S. where it isn’t good to be German (or German speaking) so I hear ya! My husband underwent similar abuse from teachers, as did my father and grandfather. That’s one thing that I hope changes about people…I hope we will grow and learn that differences aren’t something to be feared. <3

Thank you so much for sharing this powerful story that I’m sure many will be able to identify this.
My first thoughts while reading it were “Kudos to him for having the courage to defend his identity.” He could have gone the easy way and decided to just assimilate and loose a huge part of his identity.
This is not about not wanting to be part of the US culture that we adore, it’s about accepting one’s background and the heritage that makes each one of us so unique–so American, if you may.
It sounds that you are both doing an amazing job at instilling beautiful cultural values in your daughter. Nothing to fear there.

Thank you Ana. <3 Really, I appreciate all the support from you and Roxana at SpanglishBaby. I am so glad to share my husband's story with your audience and so glad to be a part of the Latina blogosphere. Thank you for making me part of your familia.

I agree, my hubby is just as much American as any other and so proud of that part of his heritage. He loves rock music, lasagna, brats and burgers, and we celebrate all the American holidays, so it's not a matter of denying the American, but more preventing the silencing of his Latino heritage. It's a delicate balance, but having the support of those who love you goes a long way. Thank you so much for the kind words hermana. <3

I so sympathize with your family’s story. I love hearing about your husband’s resolve. iViva México!

I have no official Hispanic ancestry but I was raised in Mexico in the early 80’s when I was 10-13 years old and my family moved there for business. I have always identified with the culture. I was called names like “dirty Mexican” but much worse when I returned home to the USA and yes, I look like the gringa, Scotch-Irish descent that I am, but the kids didn’t care. I was between two cultures and still almost feel guilty, or unworthy embracing my adopted Mexican roots. But I can’t help it! Mariachi is in my blood as is pollo pibil. Sadly my kids missed the heritage, but now that I am teaching Spanish again, we are sharing the rich culture at home. Our house is decked out for all in the neighborhood to celebrate during Día de los Muertos. And we too crank the mÚsica latina! My kids, I hope, will soon adopt the culture I so love so it begins to feel a part of them too. Thank you for sharing your ideas on ways to make this happen.
DeDe Plante

Excellent post. You ask all the questions I ask myself daily. It’s not easy trying to raise a well-adjusted, bilingual child when we have so many external demands competing for your attention. I struggle with this and like you hope that through some trial and error, education, conversation and exposure, our son will embrace his multi-dimensional identity. See it as an asset, not a liability. Un abrazo, amiga.

Thanks Ezzy. <3 It can be difficult to see it as an asset despite the criticism that it can cause, but I know my husband has always regretted the fact that he's never become fluent and I don't want my daughter to have those same regrets.