Saturday, July 28, 2007

My favorite golf story of the week if not the whole year broke yesterday. For those who want the shorthand version, Henrik Stenson was disqualified from Deutsche Bank Players' Championship in Germany after he lost track of how many strokes he'd taken on the 17th hole. While he originally gave himself credit for a 12, he later said he just couldn't remember how many times he putted and no one else could either. May I take this opportunity to suggest to Stenson some different score-keeping options from the world of lame golf gifts...This is your standard stroke-counter, available at golf shops next to wire club scrubbers and sweet spot finders. But since it was putts that Stenson specifically lost track of, maybe this one's a better option:What's great is that once you finally arrive at the green, you can switch to the putts counter and stop worrying about that added confusion of what you did before you got there. But Stenson a Swede and probably would want to keep score with a little more flair, in which case this is clearly the way to go:Straight from Lori's Golf Shoppe, it boasts that "it can be worn as a bracelet," and even comes with online instructions for those really having problems:"Start with the beads at the top and each time a stroke is taken then pull a bead down. At the end of the hole, count how many beads have been pulled down and write your score down. Start over at the next hole -- it's that easy."Except for the fact the bracelet only has 10 movable beads and Stenson thought he had a 12. Just to be safe, he better pick up one for each arm.

**Both John Daly and Jason Gore have officially withdrawn from the tournament after yesterday's first round. With the average rounds yesterday at close to five and a half hours, both said they weren't injured, just hungry.

Fore Right is on the ground here at Muirfield this week for the Senior British Open. Here's some news from Round 2...

**Currently tied for second place at -2, Nick Faldo was just issued a warning for using his gigantic head to block the wind off the North Sea.

**The low Canadian is currently Rod Spittle at -1. Nothing significant here, just wanted to use the word "spittle."

**Eduardo Romero is tied with Faldo at -2 for second as well which makes me ask what's in the water in Argentina these days? Romero was leading the Senior PGA mid-way through the 4th round before a few bad holes cost him the championship. Then a few weeks later Angel Cabrera wins the U.S. Open. Then of course last week Andres Romero had the lead at the British before finishing bogey/double to miss the playoff by one. Rather than focus on the negative, how about the fact that Argentina is only about 4 strokes away from winning 2 of the 3 majors on the PGA Tour and if Eduardo pulls it off this week 2 of 3 on the Champions Tour. Not bad for a country more famous for steak than golf.

Thursday, July 26, 2007

Yes, I'm sure you've all been waiting with bated breath since yesterday to read the top 5 five golfers in the world LEAST likely to win a major (for #'s 10-6, click here). I won't delay the suspense any longer...

5) Jason Zuback -- The most decorated golfer in the world of Long Drive Championships, but my guess is he struggles with touch around the greens. Or really around anything. Frankly, I'm not sure I'd let him pet my dog.

4) Duffy Waldorf and 3) Jason Dufner -- Yes, they're both PGA touring pros which increases their chances significantly, but I'd like to believe we live in a world where a golfer with the word "duff" in their name will never win the Masters or the Open or even the British. Fine, they can take a crack at the PGA Championship if they really want.

2) Iron Byron -- Perfect rhythm... unparalleled ball-striking... and yet he and Tiger have never played against each other. It's sad really, that we're almost a decade in to the 21st century and we're still not comfortable with letting a robot compete in a professional golf tournament. Shame on you, America.

And the #1 golfer LEAST likely to win a major championship...

1) Spalding from Caddyshack -- This was a tough decision, but to win a major, you must possess either great skill or tremendous heart and hopefully both. The fact that we never see Spalding even get a shot airborne throughout the course of the movie reveals a lack of talent, and his whiny pleading to play tennis instead of golf shows that the desire just isn't there. In the fitting words of Spalding himself, "Double farts."

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

This past weekend's British Open has once again fueled the question of who are the best golfers in the world that haven't won a major. Anyone who even sort of follows golf can fill in most of those blanks without having to look. I on the other hand am more interested in the golfers out there LEAST likely to win a major. Part I brings you #10 through #6...

10) Charles Barkley -- It has caused former POW's to shudder. Newborns who don't even know what golf is cry from the mere sound of it. It's horrifying. It's sad. It's Charles Barkley's golf swing.

9) Sandy Sarnblatz -- Sandy was a middle-aged golfer I played with when I was a kid. He was the nicest guy in the world but was so overweight that he had to rock back and forth multiple times from his front foot to his back just to have enough momentum to pull the club back. The only thing I can compare it to is the scene in Pirates of the Caribbean 3 where everyone runs back and forth to turn the Black Pearl upside-down.

8) Admiral Ackbar -- His best chance is probably at Augusta due to the number of holes where water comes into play and the overall lack of traps, but it's doubtful a giant fish-like man could even be invited to the Masters. Also there was no indication from Star Wars that he actually played golf.

7) Worst High School Golfer Ever -- I don't even remember his name, but I'll never forget him. It was 1993, he and I teed off in a high school match and he took ten shots just to make it to the first green. When he finally arrived to the putting surface, he was so exhausted that he couldn't get his bag off, spun around three times under the weight of it and fell over.

6) Todd Hamilton -- Yes, he supposedly won the 2004 British Open. But three years later, I'm still in denial.

There's a place outside of Santa Cruz, California called the Mystery Spot. It's a place that bills itself as a one of a kind "gravitational anomaly" where the laws of physics don't seem to hold up. Straight walls appear crooked and round objects roll uphill. Check it out if you like, but for my money I'd rather just watch the best golfers in the world tackle the 18th hole at Carnoustie. Where else can you see grown men crumble as balls ricochet off walls and out of bounds while other shots tease you by bouncing along bridges only to be sucked into the watery vortex known as the Barry Burn... Get past the burn off the tee? Make sure you make it over it again for your second (or 3rd shot if you're eventual winner Paddy Harrington, 4th shot if you're Andres Romero).

Unlike this year's Masters and U.S. Open setups, Carnoustie had the perfect blend of genuine birdie holes and accessible pins mixed with a ridiculous finishing stretch that made every good round vulnerable to disaster and no lead secure. Sergio Garcia played the best overall golf this week, Harrington did it all in less strokes, but the 18th hole was the undeniable victor in this year's British Open.

Friday, July 20, 2007

2004 British Open Champion Todd Hamilton shocked fans and fellow players on Friday when he reacted to missing the cut by streaking across Carnoustie's famed 18th hole. According to sources, the struggling American golfer putted out for bogey, then told an official he intended to take off. His caddy later corrected the story, saying Hamilton said he was planning to "take it off." Bail has been set at 10,000 pounds.

A spokesman for the Golf Channel admitted late Friday they "simply forgot" to send cameras to cover this week's U.S. Bank Championship in Milwuakee. When originally contacted, an official at the network said, "The what?" then added, "Crap." Viewers expecting to see the PGA Tour event that coincides with the British Open were instead treated to an episode of Shell's Wonderful World of Golf from 1989 in which Hale Irwin defeated Gil Morgan. Third round coverage will resume as scheduled Saturday at 4pm Eastern time.

Thursday, July 19, 2007

Jean Van de Velde, the enigmatic golfer who will be forever remembered for his 1999 collapse in the water on Carnoustie's 18th hole, supposedly appeared briefly during Round 1 of the British Open... in the water on Carnoustie's 18th hole. Justin Leanord, playing in the 8:09AM tee time with Retief Goosen and Thomas Bjorn, is convinced he saw what looked like the head and neck of Van de Velde popping up from the Scottish burn which runs along and through the 18th fairway.

According to Leonard: "I was heading toward the green when out of the corner of my eye something moved down in the water. I turned and for the briefest of moments I saw what was unmistakably Jean Van de Velde. Then, just like that, he was gone." When asked what Jean was wearing, Leonard said without hesitation "scuba gear and a Cobra visor." Neither of his playing partners saw the strange creature, though an anonymous member of the gallery did provide Fore Right with this blurry photo (below) from their contraband cell phone.

Van de Velde, who did not attempt to qualify for this year's Open due to unresolved health problems, is supposedly recuperating at his home in France.

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Wild weather in Scotland forces Tiger to have caddie Steve Williams completely encased in gortex during Wednesday's final practice round. Woods would eventually poke holes in the side for Williams to give yardages and breathe.

The British Open at Carnoustie starts before most of us will even be awake on Thursday. After a grueling few days of weighing all the factors, here's a few predictions on what to expect...

Winner:Ben Bunny -- (Yes, this is a real person and no I didn't photoshop his teeth). If the R&A had a sense of humor, they would have paired Bunny with Jonathan Byrd and Chih Bing Lamb for Thursday and Friday. Thankfully God does and come Sunday Bunny will be in the final group with Sean O'Hair. The two will battle all day until the last where Bunny will knock in his approach for eagle then yell "How do you like them carrots?" (Actual Prediction: Scott Verplank).

Runner-Up:Nick Faldo -- Faldo will try to become the first man to win the Open while also giving the on-course analysis but will fall-short in his bid when a freak rain storm on the 17th hole shorts out his head mic and sets fire to his face powder. (Actual Prediction: Luke Donald).

Wardrobe Gaffe of the Week:Ben Curtis -- Freed up from his NFL endorsement for the week, Curtis (above) will arrive on the first tee Thursday in a traditional kilt, but will be disqualified on the 5th hole when strong winds off the North Sea lead to him being arrested for indecent exposure.

Monday, July 16, 2007

With the first round of the British Open still two days away, 84-year-old engraver Winston Banks rankled the rest of the field by going ahead and etching Tiger Wood's name into the famed Claret Jug trophy. According to a spokesman for the R & A, Banks told them on Monday that he had weekend plans and asked if he could "free up his schedule." Tiger has won the last two British Opens but has yet to capture a major title this season.

Sunday, July 15, 2007

The first time Phil Mickelson famously blew it on the final tee with the lead (2006 U.S. Open), I said give the guy a break. When he did it a second time (2007 Nissan Open), I naively called it an amazing coincidence. But when he changed to the best swing coach in the world to improve his driving under pressure and then did it a third time (today at the Scottish Open), the only reasonable opinion, no matter what Phil says, is that the problem has transcended the physical and planted itself in the forefront of his brain. As a golfer who's battled the same problem for years, all I can provide Phil are a list of 18 things I've tried on the 18th tee that definitely WILL NOT work:

1) Thinking specifically about that gigantic lake near the fairway.2) Not thinking about that gigantic lake near the fairway.3) Wondering how much it would cost to replace the living room windows on the house 40 yards right of the hole.4) Hitting a 3-wood instead.5) Hitting a hybrid club instead.6) Punching an 8-iron.7) Choosing that moment to attempt your "stinger."8) Teeing up a Top-Flite instead so you won't feel as bad after you lose it.9) "Grip it and rip it."10) "Nice and easy..."11) "It doesn't matter. Just swing the club."12) "This totally matters. Don't blow it, butt face."13) Chewing gum.14) Holding your breath.15) Closing your eyes.16) Making everyone in your group hold their breath and close their eyes.17) Picturing yourself in your underwear.18) Actually hitting the shot in your underwear.

Thursday, July 12, 2007

U.S.A.! U.S.A.!... Only four American pros made the trip across the pond and three of them are in the top twenty at the Scottish Open. Phil Mickelson is tied for first at -6, Shaun Micheel is two back at -4 and Boo Weekley is at -3. All of these guys are ahead of Europe's big guns: Montgomerie (-2) Donald (-1) and Clarke and Garcia (E). The lone embarrassment for the Yanks is last year's captain Tom Lehman (+5). Sure, it's only through round one, and it's not a team event, but considering the last time the U.S. won the Ryder Cup was the year I graduated from college, excuse me while I get back to my irrational nationalism.... U.S.A.! U.S.A.!

After another poor performance in last week's AT&T National, Phil Mickelson teed off this morning at the Barclay's Scottish Open with a "new and improved" wrist guard that immediately raised eyebrows. Though Mickelson insisted the device (pictured above) conforms to the rules of golf, the guard is clearly constructed of Legos, has a built-in iPod and doubles as a paintball gun. "If you can tell me how having a paintball gun on my wrist gives me an unfair advantage on the golf course, I'm all ears," Phil said. While claiming the device is "state-of-the-art" and made by "scientists," rumors are it weighs close to four pounds and was built by Mickelson's 4-year-old son Evan. Whatever the origin, the guard was enough to propel Phil to a first round 65 and an early lead in a rare European Tour appearance.

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Question: What are the only two days of the year where there are no major professional sporting events?Answer: The day before and the day after the All-Star Game.

So what better time of year to answer the question I ask myself every time I go to a baseball game: what club would it take to hit it out of Dodgers Stadium? Here's some major league ballpark dimensions... in yards.

Vladimir Guerrero -- Longest home run from last night's Home Run Derby: 168 yards (503 ft.)Babe Ruth -- Longest verifiable home run: 192 yards (575 ft.)Mickey Mantle -- According to The Guinness Book of World Records, the longest home run ever hit: 211 yards (634 ft.)

It almost makes those guys seem human... till you realize they're hitting something going 90 miles per hour with a round piece of wood. I think I'll stick with golf.

Monday, July 9, 2007

Feeling the need to explain their recent inability to close tournaments, fellow countrymen Stuart Appleby and Adam Scott announced Monday they've been taking significant time off golf of late to tour with the Australian kids group The Wiggles. Appleby has been standing in for Jeff, the purple Wiggle who is always falling asleep. Adam's been replacing frontman Sam Moran, and not only performs as lead singer, but drives the Wiggles' signature Big Red Car.

The announcement goes a long way to explain Scott's uncharacteristic failure to finish strong at the St. Jude Championship in June and Appleby's disappointing final rounds at April's Masters and this week's AT&T National, both of which he led going into Sunday. Appleby said that ever since he was a kid he dreamed of being both a rock star and the best golfer in the world. "This way I'm doing both. Sort of."

U.S. Senior Open champion Brad Bryant may be stripped of his title after 3rd Round leader Tom Watson accused Bryant of using his moustache to artificially gauge wind speed, arguably a violation of Rule 14-3. The USGA is investigating the claim while Bryant deemed the whole thing "absurd." The final round at Whistling Straights in Wisconsin was marked by swirling winds that made proper club selection difficult to impossible. While the National Weather Service measured gusts as high as forty-five miles per hour, Bryant said his highest reading was thirty-nine.

Saturday, July 7, 2007

Saying that he's merely trying to recapture that same magic he had in the 1982 U.S. Open when he famously chipped in on Pebble Beach's 17th hole (above), Tom Watson spent the 3rd round of the U.S. Senior Open running around the green after every chip, whether he made it or not. "It's stupid," said playing partner Loren Roberts, who had to "put up" with Watson's post-shot routine all day and is paired with Watson again for the final round on Sunday. "Lucky me," Roberts added. Lonnie Nielsen, playing in the group ahead of Watson, was also dumbfounded by the behavior. "I had to back off just about every tee shot because he'd start running around like a fool and everyone behind me would start cheering." Watson says he has no plans to change his strategy on Sunday and says he may add the post-shot run to his drives and iron shots as well. Despite winning eight majors and three Senior British Opens, Watson has never won the U.S. Senior Open.

Putting an end to "years of anguish," golf legend Ben Crenshaw came clean late Friday, admitting he has been taking human growth hormones since the mid-90's and could not in good conscience continue playing professional golf. Crenshaw made the announcement Friday after shooting a second round 67 at the U.S. Senior Open in Kohler, Wisconsin, a score he argued "was completely a result of my egregious drug use." The news came as a shock to many of his closest friends in the golf world. "I've seen the guy in the shower," PGA veteran Corey Pavin told reporters after hearing the news. "There's just nothing there." After a long uncomfortable pause, Pavin added, "You know what I mean."

The news casts a shadow on a tremendous career and minimizes Crewnshaw's emotional 1995 Masters victory, a win Crenshaw confessed he played in a "steroid-induced haze." Crenshaw said his first dose of the drugs came from longtime mentor and coach Harvey Penick. "Harvey told me shortly before he died that he'd discovered the secret to golf. It was then that he pulled out what he called his 'Little Red Pills.' I've regretted it ever since."

Crenshaw's announcement comes a week after the Champions Tour announced they're working on an official drug policy likely to take effect next year. The 19-time Tour winner said the two events are not related. "I've wanted to speak up ever since I hit my first drive over 250 yards. That was about three months ago." Through two rounds of the Senior Open, Crenshaw was tied for 2nd place overall but was 7th from last in driving distance.

Somehow Sharpe parred #9 to shoot an even 50 and to his credit shot a 40 on the back for a smooth 90. It reminds me of the story about Arnold Palmer making a 12 at the 1961 LA Open on Rancho Park's 18th hole. When a reporter asked him how he managed to make a 12, Arnold answered, "I missed my putt for 11."

Remember first round co-leader Joe Ogilvie? Birdied his last three holes yesterday to shoot 66? Well he woke up and proceeded to bogey his first three holes this morning, then bogeyed 5 of his first 6, and ultimately 7 of his first ten. A double bogey on 18 after 2 birdies on the back gives him the worst round of the tournament so far and currently leaves him 10 shots out of the lead. If the cut line moves to 2 over, Ogilvie's not making it to the weekend.

Thursday, July 5, 2007

As a sitcom writer, one of the rules is that you can't write any jokes that make fun of any race, religion or nationality... except the French. For some reason all the Hollywood lawyers sat around a table at the dawn of political correctness, got down to the French, and decided, "Eh, let's risk it." Maybe they figured the least France could do to show their gratitude for the Army kicking Hitler out of Paris was to occasionally let us call them smelly.

Which brings me to Jean Van de Velde. I can't speak for his musk, but his most recent return to the golf headlines certainly smells bad. A few days ago he announced via his manager that a yet undiagnosed illness that's been bothering him since April would be keeping him out of this year's British Open at Carnoustie, the site of his famous 18th hole collapse in 1999 (above). This from a guy who's played in five of the last six tournaments on the European Tour and even ventured across the Atlantic to play in the U.S. Open at Oakmont. He may not be playing well, but he is playing. As a guy who's had his own fair share of chokes, I can't help but wonder if the actual stomach problem Van de Velde's battling is really the one he fears will come to the surface on Carnoustie's 18th tee as the entire golf world holds their breath and wonders, "What will he do this time?"

For the sake of weak-kneed golfers everywhere, Van de Velde should return to Carnoustie. He'll either exorcise his demons or remind us chokers that he's our patron saint. If nothing else he'll show the world a Frenchman who's not afraid of a fight.

This week's AT&T National marks a return to Congressional Country Club outside Washington D.C. While the place may be known for its rich golf history, its political history is even juicier.

1921 -- Congressman Oscar Bland and O.R. Lubring decide to form the Washington D.C. club as a place where politicians and businessmen can interact away from the glare of the public -- thereby insuring years of political corruption.

1928 -- Former President Taft, the most overweight president in U.S. history, has trouble in the greenside bunker on #7, taking four shots to get the ball out and a team of horses to get him out.

1933 -- FDR's Vice President comes up with the name "New Deal" after losing the front side to a lobbyist 5, 3 and 1.

1969 -- Lyndon B. Johnson's caddy laughs after watching the Commander-in-chief top his drive on #9. Two weeks later he's drafted.

1985 -- President Reagan makes a 5-foot par save on #18 against British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher that ties the match and keeps the original 13 colonies in American hands.

1998 -- In a ceremony presided over by President Clinton, the 14th green is deemed an historic site in recognition of the place where JFK first had sex with Marilyn Monroe.

Wednesday, July 4, 2007

Just hours after being forced to change its name to the Cingular National, this week's Tour stop was ordered to change itself back to the AT&T National when the telecommunications mega-corp rebranded itself for the 2nd time in 12 hours. Volunteers at the tournament had spent all night changing the logos on programs, banners and flags when the news came in, prompting Tournament Chairman Jim Bernd to react by saying, "Are you sh***ing me?" Corporate spokesman Andrea Burrell explained the move: "Though brief, our time as Cingular was a great period in our company's history but the time had come to return to the name that made us what we are." She would not rule out the possibility the company might rebrand itself again before the end of Sunday's tournament.

Tuesday, July 3, 2007

Golf tournaments often change name year to year, but rarely day to day. Due to corporate restructuring and global rebranding, the AT&T National was forced to change names to the Cingular National effective 11:59PM Eastern Standard Time. As we write, volunteers are scrambling to change all the necessary signage including programs, tee boxes, even flags and are expected to work through the night. A rep for Nike said that Tiger's special AT&T bag could not be altered at this point and would likely have a paper Cingular logo attached "with some duct tape or something." Developing...

In his first press conference since becoming a father, Tiger Woods announced Tuesday that he is officially making the switch from regular wooden tees to the Brush-T. In doing so Tiger becomes the first professional golfer to use the tees which are usually given as gifts to golfers by their well-meaning but ignorant secretaries or mother-in-laws. Tiger would neither confirm nor deny whether he had signed an endorsement contract with the Brush-T company, but said that "The innovative Brush-T allows you to tee your ball on flexible synthetic bristles that bend on impact, creating a feel of driving the ball off the air. These bristles provide significantly less resistance which produces dramatically longer and straighter drives."

When pressed for details about daughter Sam Alexis, Tiger said she's adorable and very ticklish. He then recounted a story of how he loved to take a Brush-T out of his pocket and tickle her chin. After a long, uncomfortable silence, Tiger then added, "Brush-T. Golf starts here."

NBC pulled their coverage of the U.S. Women's Open Saturday after learning that the only two people in America still watching the tournament had changed the channel. Though not golf fans, Oma and Ladan Lashkari of Detroit tuned in to NBC right as the day's events began. "I was hoping to find tennis or a horse event," Amir confessed. The couple watched for nearly twenty minutes before Ladan fell asleep and Oma changed it to "something else, I don't remember." It has been a rough week for the biggest major in women's golf, with multiple storms delaying play and ultimately leading to the supsension of round three until early Sunday.

On The Tee

BOB SMILEY is the author of the "razor-sharp" satiric novel DON'T MESS WITH TRAVIS from Thomas Dunne Books/St. Martin's Press.
Smiley began his writing career as a research assistant to the late, great William F. Buckley, Jr. In 2008, he wrote the sports memoir FOLLOW THE ROAR, chronicling his journey around the globe as he followed Tiger Woods for every hole of an entire season.
He lives in Los Angeles with his wife and 3 children where he writes for both TV and film. For more, go to BobSmiley.me