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Sadly, just trying to eat only when I am hungry and trying to guess which foods are healthy and hoping to lose weight hasn’t worked because I always feel hungry and I always choose the foods I am addicted to!! My food addiction causes me to feel hungry even when I am not. The last 4 days that I have cut myself off from those kinds of foods has shown just how much of a hold it has had on me. I have been plagued with a wide variety of symptoms including feeling like I am starving just a couple of minutes after eating a perfectly healthy meal void of addictions. So I have had to find another route to take on this journey of getting down to the real me.

The health plan I really want to follow is called “The P.I.N.K. Method” and you can find it here: www.PinkMethod.com, but since I don’t currently have $70 I can spend on it I am having to do my own modified version just based off the little bit that I know about it untill I can save up for it (or someone buys it for me for Christmas *hint*hint*). The friend who is doing it with me is lucky enough to actually have the program and it is working really good for her so far.

Basically what I am doing is trying to reset my metabolism as well as break my addiction. I am restricting myself to only eating a limited amount of fruit, lean meats (chicken and fish) and as many veggies as I can stomach. I am also drinking protein shakes between meals to try and keep my hunger at bay. I am not having any sugar, flour, corn syrup, high fructose corn syrup, aspertain (I know it’s spelled wrong >.<), potatoes, pasta, beef, pork, fried foods, butter, milk, etc.

I know that the P.I.N.K. method is a lot more strict with their first couple of weeks but since I don’t have the book to go by I figured a broader approach would be less stressful but still get me some results. At this point even if I don’t lose any weight at first I would be very happy to be totally off sugar and the rest of my addiction combinations. Wait never mind who am I kidding I really want to lose weight too 😉

Usually I wait until the following day to write about how my weight loss plan is going but today was a bummer and couldn’t wait. Due to a series of unfortunate events I ended up away from work with all the kiddos and none of my prepared “safe” foods to eat at lunch time. I hadn’t had anything but an apple and an egg for breakfast and by 1pm I knew that if I didn’t eat something quick I was going to have a really hard time not eating one of the kids. My E.v.e. in particular was looky mighty tastey and she had been the one causing the most ruckus so I figured if I gobbled her up not only would I not feel like I was starving there would be a lot less pestering going on in the back of the van.

All the poor kids were hungry too and since any place with a drive through is totally off-limits I ended up stopping at Publix to try and find something. I got the kiddos their yummy lunches and found a little section of the pre-made sandwich cooler that had all these different salads in it. I picked a chickpea salad and read the ingredients carefully – nope nothing in it I couldn’t have! YAY! I love chickpeas so I was feeling pretty good about this. However, the package looked a little tampered with, one of the corners had been peeled up a little bit so I put that one back and grabbed the one behind it.

Once back at the house I passed out everyone’s lunch and started tarring into mine. I noticed that the “peas” were a bit smaller than I had expected and that the lid looked a little different than I had remembered but I didn’t even give it another thought until suddenly a headache hit me right between the eyes. “wait a second…..this isn’t right!” I totally panicked. I grabbed the lid to the salad and scanned the ingredients and right there in black in white it said “wheat” 😥 it wasn’t chick peas. I had grabbed a different salad than the one I had originally picked. This salad was made out of little pearls of pasta. I wanted to cry. Writing this now I still want to cry.

I still have the headache but I have decided not to let that little slip up steal the rest of my good eating day. I am going to have a delicious veggie bake when I get home. zucchini, yellow squash, egg-plant all sliced up and sautéed in garlic and tomato sauce with onion and all kinds of delicious spices.

I have had to battle against feeling really guilty. Why didn’t I pay attention? Did I subconsciously known and just choose to mess up? How could I let myself make a mistake like that after coming so far? And if I was going to accidentally eat something I’m not supposed to why couldn’t it have been something super delicious like chocolate? 😉 I know it wasn’t on purpose and all is not lost. unfortunately it looks like I have just gained back some of the withdrawal symptoms. This too shall pass.

Yesterday was so packed full of good things I don’t think my body had a chance to miss the foods it has been craving. I had a tiny head ache when I first woke up but it was quickly gone and I didn’t have another symptom all day long!! Like I said it was a day packed full of good news and exciting developments in my life (got my own place for the first time!!) so it might have been due to having tons of endorphins and adrenalin already going on in my body that kept it at bay but heres hoping that today is just as good as yesterday.

If it is then Thank you God! Because the last time I went through this the withdrawals lasted at least a full week. After loading up his truck with some of my things my sweet dad took E.v.e. and I out to my favorite restaurant, Golden Coral, and even though I was sitting directly across from the chocolate fountain I was able to only eat the things on my safe list and avoided every temptation like a pro! I have been trying to get to that point for so long on my own and never made it more than a day. I can’t even begin to express how grateful I am that I have someone to help me out this time around. Dare I say I am in recovery?! Yay!

I don’t have a bathroom scale now that I am in my new place so I don’t know what I possibly lost but I know I felt really good waking up this morning.

The “Getting Down to the Real Me” section of my blog is all about my struggles and triumphs as I try to lose about 80 lbs. I have a long way to go and I am tired of yo-yoing up and down. I am going to take this journey nice and slow so that hopefully the results will stick this time!!

In the past I have tried just about every drastic diet change you can think of and all with amazing results. On the Daniel Diet I lost 40 lbs in 3 months!! Then, every time I tried to “eat normal” I gained it all back in a matter of weeks 😦 Not this time baby! I am going to address my habits, spiritual strong holds, and addictions and deal with the root of the issue rather than just trying to prevent the symptoms of it.

Today at about 3pm my chest started hurting. It was a stabbing pain that made it hard for me to breath and was located over my heart. At first I figured it was an air bubble or something that would work itself out. However, as the day went on the pain got worse and would occasionally shoot down my arm and make me feel faint. By 6pm I could hardly walk with out feeling like I was going to throw up because my chest hurt so much.

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That is when I came to a scary realization. Yes, I may be too young to have a heart attack but I am diffidently out of shape enough to have one. I hoped that was not what was going on but to be safe my step mom loaded me up in the car and took me to the E.R. After an EKG and X-ray they ruled out heart attack but when they did the blood work they found clues suggesting that I may have a blood clot. Thankfully, a catscan ruled that out. They still don’t know what is causing my pain but since they ruled out the two scary possibilities it was safe to send me home. They think that I might have pulled one of the four muscle walls of my chest cavity and ordered me to take it really easy and give my body time to repair itself. The pain hasn’t gotten any better but at least I don’t have to worry about it being anything serious.

All of that just to say, it really opened my eyes to how unhealthy I am. I was determined to lose weight before but now I have to. The thought that I am overweight enough to be unable to rule out a heart attack as a possibility for why I would have chest pain was scary! I want to be around for a looooong time. I am way to young to be concerned with clogged arteries. Now I know that I may very well be over reacting and that it is possible that all my arteries are just fine but I don’t want to risk it. Something like that shouldn’t even be on my radar.

God, please help me to find the right way for my body to lose weight and stay healthy. I have tried so many diets and plans and workouts and they have only worked for a short time only to leave me back where I started or even in some cases worse off. I want the body you made for me. Not this one that I have made for myself. I want to be whole and healthy and vibrant. Please, help me to be healthy again.

So far I have lost ONE teeny, tiny pound -.- BUT everything ‘they’ say leads me to think slow, steady weight loss is more likely to stay off in the long run. Loosing 10 pounds in one week for 4 weeks in a row is waaaaaay more gratifying though!! Which, yes, I have done with out starving or abusing myself in any other way. Sadly though, as soon as I went back to a ‘normal’ diet I gained it all back just as fast….sigh.

I have to keep reminding myself that instant gratification is not best sometimes. I am going to do this the right way this time. I am going to take as long as I need to in order to make this weight come off and STAY OFF!!

I am proud of myself though. Aside from a few thoughtless binges, I have been very good about listening to my body more and only eating if I am actually hungry. The few times that I did fall back into my habit I was either having a really bad day or had simply bought too much food and ‘couldn’t just waste it’ so I added it to my waist instead :p

Today I woke up at 7:30 and rushed to get myself and my little one ready to walk out the door by 8:00. As I reached into the freezer to grab a cold waffle I realized I was not hungry in the slightest. So then why was I about to scarf down a frozen waffle while trying to get my daughter to put her shoes on the right feet with only 2 minutes left before I HAD to be pulling out of the drive way????

First of all, yes I eat frozen waffles -.- They are cold and crunchy and I like them. No toppings just pass me the frozen waffle and I’m good. Today, though, I paused and for the split second that I had to spare and I thought about what I was about to do. I was about to put more fuel into a tank that was already full. Sadly, since it would have taken more time to rush back to the freezer and put the waffle back away I went ahead and took it with me thinking I would give it to E.V.E. (my little one) to eat while we drove to work. Then, of course, holding a frozen waffle in one hand, my purse and car keys in the other while trying to put a wiggling toddler in her car seat was not working so I ate it…..sigh 😦

This seems to be the underlying reason for my current state. I have formed this habit from a life time of eating when it was “time” to – not waiting till I needed to. It isn’t just at meal “time” that I find myself eating when I am not hungry though. I snack like there is no tomorrow!

Holding the fridge open, letting the cool breeze and soft glowing light settle over me, I try to find something – anything – that will satisfy this longing inside me. I’m not hungry, I just want to feel satisfied! Something in my day is frustrating me. Something is not working out as I had planned. I need to feel satisfied and for some reason finishing that bowl of yogurt leaves me feeling like I have accomplished something! Maybe this is a symptom of being raised in the “clean your plate” club. I spent my life getting rewarded for eating all my dinner. I had accomplished a great feat by eating all my spaghetti and now I get to have that bowl of ice cream! Food has satisfied me again. – only now it is not actually an accomplishment it is a failure. I eat that bowl of yogurt I am not hungry for and for a split second I feel satisfied only to have that feeling quickly replaced with a sense of regret.

I want so badly to have the body God made for me. The one that is healthy and vibrant and full of energy. Not this body that I have made for myself from years of over eating. This body is tired and heavy and unappealing. I don’t need to be a super model I just want to be healthy! I don’t need to wear size 2 just size 12 would be nice.

Love help me on this journey! Help me to eat only what my body needs to be healthy. Help me to be a good example to sweet little e.v.e. whose current favorite snack is red bell peppers! Let that love of healthy food grow in her and be contagious into my own life. When I am standing there in that cool glow of the fridge remind me that YOU can satisfy that longing inside of me better than any PB&J sandwhich could. I want the body you made for me. Help me to get there.

Verses of the Week!

"Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance." ~ 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 NLT