Laugh Lines

Punch Lines

Yo Quiero Comida: Texas researchers believe they have isolated the two molecular structures responsible for telling the human brain when it's time to eat. "One is a naturally occurring hormone. The other is a talking Chihuahua." (Steve Voldseth)

Scalping: USA Networks has agreed to buy Ticketmaster for $400 million. "Actually, when you add in all the service and processing charges, the real price is closer to $500 million." (Paul Steinberg)

MMMBlech: Members of Hanson plan to release material from their early years. "What will that be, a sonogram?" (Jay Leno)

R.I.P.: Whitewater witness Jim McDougal died in a federal prison. "President Clinton did everything he could to help save him. But there was nothing Dr. Kevorkian could do." (Argus Hamilton)

Late Fee: The Blockbuster Awards Show aired this week. "But a snafu wrecked it. They went to show clips from the best film, and it was checked out." (Leno)

Men Are From Mars: NASA has declared the Mars Pathfinder officially dead. "Engineers at Mission Control are now kicking themselves. For an extra $13.39, they could have gotten the service policy." (Alan Ray)

Jacko: Michael Jackson's wife is due to give birth to their second child. "Nobody could believe one, much less two. Most of us said they'd discover water on the moon before that happened." (Hamilton)

White House Sex News: Clinton's pet Labrador, Buddy, is getting neutered. "The dog will never have sex again. Overnight, they've turned Buddy from a Democrat into a Republican." (Leno)

Ship of Fools: Repeat viewers of "Titanic" are now noticing minor flaws in the film. "For example, if you look closely at the iceberg, it has its own Starbucks." (Buzz Report)

The Big Lewinsky: Clinton again refused to answer reporters' questions about Monica Lewinsky. "He says he wants to focus on the job he was elected to do, namely, provide ample material for late-night comedians." (Daily Scoop)

YMCA: "The Village People are reuniting and will showcase the newest member of the group: a Boy Scout leader." (Ray)

Birthday: This week marks the 1,893rd anniversary of the invention of paper in China. "Before that, people had to walk out of public restrooms with nothing trailing from the heels of their shoes." (Voldseth)