Congratulations On Your Wife’s Marriage, Kris Humphries

People Magazine paid Kim Kardashian $1.5 million for the exclusive rights to publish her wedding photos in its latest issue, and I say that they only paid Kim because she’s the only person on the cover of this issue. Forget about that guy she married – New Jersey Nets forward Kris Humphries – because this isn’t about him. He’s just the dude who put the ring on her airbrushed finger.

But aside from the obvious, that this is just the first indication that Humphries is just along for a reality career that has been planned out slightly better than Paris Hilton’s, maybe there’s a perfectly good reason that only Kim, who is famous because she let Brandy’s brother mount her like a Shetland pony, appears on the cover of People’s wedding issue.

“It’s all about the bride. We wanted her. It’s her day, we wanted her on the cover,” said Garcia.

“He’s got a little height on her,” added Garcia of the New Jersey Nets forward. “It’s kind of tough to get them in the [same] shot.” (Via The Hollywood Reporter, which also points out that Arsenio Hall is still alive)

Translated: “We’re just saving some time and effort for her next wedding cover shoot.”

Whatever, it’s not like this is the first time that Kim has been on the cover of People without Kris…

Of course, she met Kris soon after, dated him for 6 months, and got E! to shell out all that money for an engagement ring and a wedding. It’s funny how love works.

LEAST SHOCKING UPDATE EVER: Kim’s mom, Kris Jenners, is now managing Humphries’ career. That means that whenever the NBA lockout ends, the guy who many predicted could be a value addition as a power forward will send his mother-in-law to the bargaining table. I almost want the lockout to end now so we can get ready to heckle.

Yeah nearly impossible. I mean he must be 2 feet taller than her. I wonder how I have so many pictures of me and my daughters who happen to be 2-3 feet shorter than me? F’ing idiots.

By: Burnsy

08.25.2011 @ 10:49 AM

I would feel bad for Humphries, but when the lockout ends he becomes a free agent and his contract will be better than what he deserves because teams know that Kim will be at his games. That said, he’ll be a Clipper.

By: essequemodeia

08.25.2011 @ 10:55 AM

I feel bad for all of us who realize this isn’t work talking about but yet it doesn’t go away. Why doesn’t it go away? Why do we pay these fools lip service? We all know its pointless and without merit, yet we discuss the personal lives of these asshats for no purpose whatsoever. Page views smage fews.

By: Burnsy

08.25.2011 @ 11:11 AM

Why shouldn’t we talk about it? Do you honestly think my page views on this post are keeping them afloat? Better yet, do you think that if I completely ignore the ridiculousness of their sham marriage that our boycott of all things Kardashian could sink the empire of gossip blogs out there that keep her fat ass afloat? If you honestly believe that, then you sir are an optimist.

In the meantime, I prefer making fun of them. Call it blind ambition in fighting the good fight.

By: Teeblerone

08.25.2011 @ 11:36 AM

If not for the Kardashians, my house would be an absolute sty. Every time my wife turns on their show, I find shit to clean somewhere else in the house. It has saved our family from living in filth, so thanks to you band of shrieking harpies!

By: essequemodeia

08.25.2011 @ 12:15 PM

Why be an unwitting cog in the publicity machine? Faux celebrities have People Magazine, TMZ, and a ginormous fucking host of other vehicles to which they hitch their trailers. It’s a straightforward relationship, we publicize you to give you a sense of legitimacy and in return we get to take your picture and report on your affairs in order to publicize you which will open to door to celebrity endorsements and appearance fees.

What do you get out of it? Cleverly making fun of these ridiculous people? Wouldn’t similar effort in a different subject bear more valuable fruit?

I’m not trashing YOU, burnsy. Its more a hatred of the entire unearned celebrity cycle. We used to debate the thoughts of intellectuals. What the fuck do I care about a fairly attractive person who hasn’t accomplished a goddamn thing?

By: Chad Henne Checkdown Clinic

08.25.2011 @ 12:21 PM

Given all of Adrian Dantley’s ass-based success in the NBA, I think Ms. Humphries would be a natural fit on the Nets, to bolster their weak low post game.

By: Burnsy

08.25.2011 @ 12:41 PM

Fairly attractive is being too kind.

By: Jamaal Charles's Stolen TDs

08.25.2011 @ 12:50 PM

“Do you honestly think my page views on this post are keeping them afloat? Better yet, do you think that if I completely ignore the ridiculousness of their sham marriage that our boycott of all things Kardashian could sink the empire of gossip blogs out there that keep her fat ass afloat?”

Yes. Yes sir I do in fact believe this. Also Browns, Lions, Super Bowl this year. Book it. Now where did I put that glue…

By: Brutus Ballsack

08.25.2011 @ 1:27 PM

Is Paris Hilton married yet? I don’t think so. I’m offering my services right now. I’ll marry the skank for $2.5 Mill up front and $250K per year for the rest of my life. I’ll even bang her regularly and appear on whatever reality show she wants.

By: jc

08.25.2011 @ 3:16 PM

WTF happened to Rose McGowan’s face?

By: Yes, I follow the Nets

08.26.2011 @ 11:03 AM

” would feel bad for Humphries, but when the lockout ends he becomes a free agent and his contract will be better than what he deserves because teams know that Kim will be at his games. That said, he’ll be a Clipper.”

I hope so; I hope he’s not at the Nets. He was pretty woeful and has had a career year with the Nets and I have spent many a game cheering on the Hump and his dramatic turnaround. Now, I can’t stand the site of that chump and his stupid-ass wife. The worst thing is, I don’t think Hump really knows what he got himself into. He probably just wanted to get it on with the reasonably attractive cartoonish Kim K and now he’s up shit creek without a paddle. This shit got real Hump and now you aren’t even in your own wedding pictures.