Ramona Emerson — who is sure to mention in her article that she is “someone whose roommate grew up with Audrey Gelman (true story!)” — explains, “touting one’s almost-connection to Girls, no matter how tenuous (or even imagined) is de rigueur these days for anyone under 30.”

Well, I don’t actually know that many people who behave in this insane, terrible fashion, but when it comes to Lena Dunham trends, I’m not here to argue. In fact, I’m here to help! As such, I’ve taken it upon myself to compile a guide for pretending that you are connected to Girls, and therefore important. If you’re going to do something, may as well do it right.