I'm really struggling with school this semester. Well actually, this whole year so far I am struggling. Cause, see, last year, I met Baking BFF (BBFF henceforth) and everything was dandy and we worked really well together and we became really clsose friends. Even though we're in different classes, we still make an effort to hang out. But this year? I don't have my BBFF. Instead, I have a whole group of girls that, while they like me well enough, there's always someone they like better. Now usually I can deal with being mostly ignored; usually I welcome it, especially when it's from people I don't really like. Some of the girls in my class? I'm happy they don't pay more attention to me then they have to. But some of them...

I don't know. I'm just lonely, and when you have to be lonely for 6 hours a day when surrounded by people, it wears on you. Like I said, everyone in the class likes me just fine (besides the one bitch but she's a bitch), but they all have someone else they like better. Last year I had one person that liked me better and I was fine. This year?

See, what I think it comes down to is that for most of my life I was either bullied or ignored by my peers, and the few friends I did have stuck by me. But now, I finally feel like I'm fully myself in a way I never was able to feel before, and I'm rejected for it. Ok, no. Not rejected, just... passed over, I suppose. And no matter what I do, I've yet to have someone from my class willingly come up to me and say "Hey wanna do something?" unless the whole class is invited, and there have been things that I've not even been invited for like that. And it just hurts. It hurts me that out of 12 other girls (and the One Boy, but he dosen't count because he gets allong with everyone) not one of them is someone I can really call a friend. I was lonely for a very long time, and now that I've found my passion, and I'm learning interesting things and doing what I want to do , I have to do it again, just when I'd gotten used to at least someone being there.

I don't want to go back to being that girl that no one talks to at lunch and no one plays with at recess and is just basically ignored by her classmates. But I fear that it may and while I know the friendship I have with BBFF is strong enough to keep, she is my only real support group in a land where everything is dark and scary. And she has her own shit to deal with, she doesn't need my problems. But that sad little girl that retracted into herself and didn't talk to anyone is inside me and threatening to come out, but I don;t know how to change it and I don't know how to make it go away.

I honestly don't understand, though, how I can make friends in the workplace easily enough with people that are a few years my senior and people that live in my building, but can't make a connection with peers that have the same life goal as me and are going through the same struggles. It just doesn't make sense. Even the new girl that transfered here has a group that has taken her in. Why am I such an outcast!!!! It makes me sad and angry to want to be included and try to put myself forward and just get brushed down. Every. Single. Time.

I'm gonna go cry in the shower or something. I hope you guys are having a more pleasant day than I.

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I know where you are coming from. I am there right now too. I have to go and drag people to do stuff with me. I wish I could be there right now to hug you, grab a couple drinks and then watch really bad movies while bitching over everything.

It does get better. I know that there are some people who like having their heads up their asses and believe that the world is perfect and that they include everyone (you are NOT one of these people!) I know that I still love you for who you are, even though I am not going for the same goal as you, I still support you and wish for you to succeed.

If it was just a matter of having friends, I wouldn't have posted this. I have amazing people here in Calgary. I have really good friends that I can just go and hang out with at pretty much any time, and I love them and they love me. It's just being shunned by people that I'm constantly around is dificult. But I've been doing better since this post. Chef has noticed an improvement in my work and thinks it's because I mostly just keep to myself and listen to music and get 'er done.