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Tuesday, December 1, 2009

It’s Saturday night. You and your bros just got #40 kicked out of the bar. Apparently the bouncers didn’t appreciate your Big Guy shattering their flat screen with a pool ball. After trying to explain to them for like 20 minutes that it was done because of a dare, they threaten to call the cops. Fucking unreasonable bro haters. You let those loser high school drop out bouncers know that not only can they expect to lose the thousands of dollars from your business, but they can also expect to hear from your attorney. That bar is going to fucking pay.

Anyways, as you make your way outside you quickly remember you are not in the best part of town. As you walk down the street talking about how you think you just saw Snoop and Chris Partlow from #73 The Wire drive by, some crazy dude in a red bandana comes hobbling out of the shadows. Normally, as a bro, you would start making fun of him and ask him questions like, “Do you even belong to a Country Club,” but something doesn’t feel right. You flash back to the time you saw Boyz ‘n the Hood and realize this isn’t just some #38 homeless guy – it’s a fucking Blood. He pulls a gun out and yells, “Now give me all yo money white boys.” Your mind is racing – your gut tells you to tell him about how #14 important your father is, but that might just get your ass kidnapped. That’s when you remember – Tyson, your Black bro is hanging out tonight.
“Excuse me, Plaxico -- It’s all-good,” you tell him.
“What’s fucking good, bitch?”
You point to Tyson and immediately the killer drops his weapon and goes in for the brother hug. Within minutes you're all sippin’ some Hen’, smoking some #70 chronic shit and #4 chanting “Yes We Did!” As you make your move back home, your new friend gives you his number just in case we ever run into anyone that “needs some killin’.”

Walking down the street you look at Tyson and just say, “Thanks.”
He’s fucking hammered and really high, so he can’t remember and responds, “For What?”
“For the street cred.”
Bros fucking love the Token Black Bro.

Bros fucking love Black guys. Throughout the years bros have adopted much of their social practices after Black guys. This includes #29 grinding, rap music, pretty much whatever #13 handshake/fist pound/half hug Black guys thought was cool six months ago, and most importantly, #24 having sex without condoms. Bros fucking hate being behind the emerging trends “on the street,” so in order to effectively keep up with the newest Black trends, bros bring the street to them. Enter Token Black Bro. Admittedly, the Token Black Bro is often Whiter than any of the bros themselves but that shit doesn’t matter. Just because he has 20 times as much Brooks Brothers apparel as he does FUBU and has been to more O.A.R. concerts than Lil’ Wayne, Three 6 Mafia, and Snoop Dogg concerts combined doesn’t mean shit. He’s still Black and had to struggle through being the best athlete all throughout Private School. Racist. I recently moved into a new #32 Bro Pad and after a few months of living with a Black guy, I’ve found in addition to the sick street cred I’ve gained, there are a couple other reasons why having a Token Black Bro is the shit.

Jokes – I always love it when people ask me about living in my new spot. Immediately I tell them I fucking love it, but there are issues: “Yeah, its great and all living there, but it just sucks because the DVR is always fucking full of Tyler Perry episodes.” Basically, now that I live with a Black guy, I can tell racist jokes and if anyone gets offended and calls me a racist, I can just turn that shit on them and say, “Sounds like the pot calling the kettle black to me, you racist! Do you even have a Black roommate? I didn’t fucking think so.” Bitch.

Telling Girls Your Black Bro Is Famous – I don’t care who you are or how “colorblind” you are – the first time you see a big athletic looking Black Guy you immediately wonder what College or Professional sport he plays. Since bros are the smartest people on the planet, you better believe we’re using society’s racism against them. Early this summer at the beach, we noticed that our Black Bro had a resemblance to Stephen Curry only in the sense that he was tall, light skinned and had short hair. Our bro had a good 60 pounds on Steph and there really is very little resemblance elsewhere. You know who didn’t know that? Slam Pieces. We’re all 6’3’’ and over so we told everyone and their fucking mother that we were all his Davidson teammates celebrating him just getting drafted the week prior. As we moved from #92 bar to bar chanting his name, just as Curry’s real friends would do, our Black Bro started getting autograph requests. At dinner our waitress had “Stephen” autograph a menu so it could be hung up on the wall. Unfortunately for her, she was unable to hook up with the “millionaire” that night. She had to settle for one of the guys in his entourage. She’s so lucky.

So the next time you see a Black guy hanging out with a group of White guys, don’t wonder what he’s doing there. He’s the Token Black Bro, teaching the rest of the bros the way of the street.

65 comments:

AZbro
said...

The Token Black Bro gets me out of so many fights when I run my mouth/ and or being too Bro(if thats even fucking possible), For some reason being black instantly means you know how to fight. I have a college Token black bro (also my roommate) and a back at home Token Black Bro.

Token Black Bros don't fly in the south. If I had a brack bro, my white bro's would not be bro's anymore. If I had a black bro, the ladies would not feel safe, thus making it tougher to pound white pussy. Mixing race when it comes to bro's is never a good idea in my opinion.

Good move pretending your bro was Steph Curry. As a current student at Davidson, I can honestly say that slam pieces threw themselves at the guy hoping that he'd so much as fart in their general direction. So I can only imagine how successful your black friend was that night at the bars. Bros are the shit.

As a token black bro and an avid follower of this site I've been waiting for this article for a while. Like most things said by my white bro friends, I'm not sure how I feel about it, but I'm gonna laugh out loud anyway.

There a lot of things that make bros the shit: being smarter than all the fucking bro haters of the world, being rich as shit, being able to drink their weight in beer, etc. But being white as shit isn't one of them.

If you can't get a slam piece in the south with your black bros (1) you aren't a bro, because bros get the slam piece they want no matter what (2) put down the jug of whatever fucking moonshine you're drinking sell your trailer to your uncle/dad and move to a real city.

In addition to helping you out of tough situations at the party spot, the TBB gives you a great in with sexy black girls. Black slam pieces are the shit. My bro once thought he had a threesome with two black slampieces. But when he woke up, he realized that he was so fucking wasted that every time he switched positions he thought he was switching slam pieces.

Token Black Bros are straight as shit. I don't currently have one, but me and the bros always appreciate it when we see them out at the bar acting white as shit.

One thing though that needs to be cleared up. After getting #40 kicked out of the bar, the least bro thing you can do is threaten to lawyer up. Bros break shit on their way out and tell the low rent bouncer how tight their sister is. Lawyering up is for hipsters.

Token Black Bro is the shit, however Ive gotten too used to saying the "N" word with him and sometimes it gets nasty in bars when people hear me saying it. That when i point to my TBB and say "he said it's fine" and the bro haters leave me alone.

Great post! Me and my bros get into way too much sh**t when we are with our TBB, and its fuckin awesome! PS: there is an ad to help those living in hunger and poverty at the bottom of the page about TBB's? haha. Bros are better than that

First of all the two bro haters who actually think their bros and said that "slam pieces don't dig token black bros" should be banned from drinking beer or other broactivity for the rest of their lives! The TBB is responsible for me getting my best slam pieces me and my black buddy Derek were in a bar in Athens wasted when we decided to pretend like he was AJ Green not only did this sucessfully get us both laid but we got free drinks for the rest of the night and literally ran the bar for like 25 to 30 minutes Token Black Bros are awesome on more levels than one you fuckin bro racists

Timely post considering that the biggest TBB of them all, Tiger Woods, is making some serious headlines this week. I was going to annoint the dude as a bro king - filthy rich, great athlete, slaying dimes left and right, proving he's above the law...and then he goes and ISSUES A FUCKING APOLOGY! WHAT THE FUCK? You broke my heart, Tiger. You. broke. my. heart.

Agreed, Tiger Woods was exposed this week for being nothing more than a legendary Bro king! He dominated three slam pieces besides his wife and vandalized his own neighborhood but then he ruined it by releasing that statement saying he embarrased his family. there Is nothing embarrasing about fucking shit up in your neighborhood and refusing to talk to the police about it, that my friends, is bro.

TBBs are natural Bro Kings. Only by being broceptional do they get acceptance into the bro community. Theyre usually rich as shit(new money),can drink with the best of them, and slay tons of slam pieces. Not to mention that no one wants to fuck with them so they can start all the shit they want and bro-haters won't do shit.

All slam pieces like bros whether Black, White or Green. Any bro who doesn't know that isn't really a bro. I could slay a slampiece painted purple wearing a fucking tutu because I'm a bro. All slampieces see is money,muscle and a big cock. If you don't have all three sorry not a bro. Bro out.

Tiger Woods should not apologize for acting like a bro. Just because some bro-hater hipster in the media is jealous because he cant pull multiple slampieces at one time doesnt mean he should be sorry about it.

As a mulattBRO TBB, I witness my fraternity bros loving the street swag learned,(ie. copping diamond studs,grinding,systems in the whips,freestyling,jordans,nike dunks,AF1s,usage of no jimmy hats while skontching 59s, & treating the slam pieces like the dumpy hoes they are)...59s love the mocha man down in FL, especially well-dressed ones that 9, 14, 42& 90...contrary to what some bro-hating hick said about the belles not liking them....it's probably because their BROdentity was stolen by a TBB. The hottest 59s at my SOUTHERN school love the TBB swagger, grinding skills, game spit, smoking blunts, & religiously bumping Lil' Wayne....enough said.

Token Black Bros in the South slay more slam pieces than redneck queers do...Not only do I slam the best southern belle slam pieces the South has to offer, I do it with a hood on...don't hate the player, hate the game...Bro till I die

as a TBB in the south and have grown up in the south white slam piece southern bells dig the TBB sausage, swag,and everything else all bros have to offer, when being a bro it doesnt matter what color you are cause we are a fuckin BRO for the ones who said otherwise your just what this site shits on BRO HATERS

Hahahaha... I went to Davidson from '03-'05 before transferring outta that hell hole. It is the least Bro-like college ever!! There were maybe 2 girls in the entire school worthy of SLAM PIECE status. The rest? I give them a "0" rank on the binomial scale. I feel sorry that Curry had to actually endure being there. Next time I go out I might just turn in to David Wright!

Wildcat pimp is dead on about Davidson. That school is for a bunch of fairies. I spent a weekend there when I was interviewing and those kids version of a party is spending their friday nights watching plays other students put on. Also since they have a student body of about 600 people total, I am pretty sure if I went there I could have boinked every girl on that campus, but I never would have wanted to because like Wildcat said each one would be lucky to qualify as a slump buster.

Bro diversity is a beautiful thing. You got your black bros for street cred, your white bros cuz this is fuckin america, and your hispanic bros to help you get at that random slut in the club that don't speak no english...We need to promote more bro diversity

This reminds me of another controversial bro topic. The token gay bro. Before you yell and say it's not possible I have a story.

I lived in a house with like 6 guys, one of which was the token gay. Now he brought home bras all the time but we knew better. The bro was cool as shit by had a few gay signs: he owned a copy of Titanic (which did get burned), actually cried when his grandma died, etc.

BUT more than that it was how he talked to the slam piece. He would ask the bras kicking it in our place the craziest questions like "how was your day" and "what do you think about X". Some how though this huge amount of gayness seemed to work. I can't explain it, but I know this gay bro got me laid more than once with his crazy ways.

being a tbb in florida, i feel that a bro is a bro no matter the race. being from california than moving to the south for high school, i've made plenty of bros. white, black, hispanic, whatever. cultural BROversity is BROtherhood at its best.

southern bells/ southern slam pieces all enjoy a good tbb. from his BROriffic sense of style, outstanding amount of money, epic ability to charm the bras, and his ability to handle his alcohol with the best bros out there. a tbb is a bro none-the-less. if you dont have one in your fraternity, you are the very thing this site rags on... bro-haters. BROversity keeps the bro community thriving.

It's important to have a Token Black Bro everywhere you go. I've got my token black bro at school, at home, and the one I call for pick up basketball games. He's like fuckin LeBron when he walks into the YMCA. All the fuckin white people (everybody else) are intimidated immediately and just give us props for being friends with such a cool bro.

If you check out any southern TBBs facebook, you'll see that southern belles have no problem with our delightfully black bros. Bro-hating is not the answer. As a TBB from U of Tenn. slampieces are not bothered with the skin color, theyre too obsessed with all the brooks BROthers and Ralph Lauren I wear. As long as you are fratty and you drink and fuck like a champ it does not matter.

I had a black roomate in college. He was definately the token black guy of the entourage and he always made all of our bros feel a little more street when he hung out. The only man that could rock a dew rag in the morning and color coordinate the poloshirt and hat at night. true bro-ness

As a former Black Bro that can whip ass, lay pipe like a Russian oil company, and manage my stock portfolio. I have found the need go go solo to truly test my nuts. Conclusion Solo Black Bro.....no slam impossible.... from Hood rat to soccer mom. no mom is a milf bc ben there done that. will be back in the bro circle soon droppin knowledge in slam science.

Haha, that's great. Gotta love the token black guy from movies, to frats, to that one drunk black guy line dancing at the local western club. Got in trouble one time runnin my mouth about a country dancing guy... got a little black (eye) outta that one. Love it.

TBB's are indeed the shit. I had a TBB when I lived in NYC for a while, and he was fuckin' awesome. Not only did he roll amazing blunts, have the ability to drink a shitload, and give me several amazing weed connects (he was from the NYC area, I'm from Canada), but he definitely upped the street cred of our brontourage when we rolled around.....especially when we went to rager warehouse parties in Brooklyn. One time we were lost as FUCK, blackout drunk, in the middle of a very dangerous hood, and despite being a rich, upper class college kid, he approached a group of black dudes standing outside a housing project, got directions, and even learned that the project we were in front of was the birthplace of Biggie (a classic bro). He also looked very similar to Kanye West, and used this as an opener to bring the group slampieces several times

Many aspects of black culture, especially rap, are synonymous with the bro lifestyle. All you bros who don't bump rap music, you really should....many of the lyrics are about getting money, banging tons of slampieces, chilling with your bros, partying, and being totally egotistical and not taking shit from bro-haters. Not to mention that black slampieces are amazingly hot... I have an unquenchable thirst for black pussy.

As a TBB who attended an exclusive private school for 13 years (of course I was the only black guy in my grade) this entry is just about spot on. Continuing the TBB tradition at Cornell (because there is nothing more bro than an ivy league school) I must say that if you are a white bro and you don't have a TBB then you are doing yourself a disservice as a bro.

TBBs will keep you up to date on all the new trends that your white bros just don't have access to (because all TBBs have that cousin who tells them all the cool shit). TBBs are the second in reliability only to Bitches because TBBs treat their bros as family. Also, no one hates hipsters more than TBBs, and having a TBB in your bro crew will allow you to harass black hipsters as much as you want. TBBs at Ivy League schools are slampiece magnets, and TBBs will also tell slampieces how awesome you are.

TBBs are essential when it comes to sports as well. You'd best believe that the intramural champs in basketball/flag football/soccer have that one TBB on their team. TBBs will also keep you up to speed on street lingo that will allow you to trash all non-bros like never before.

And of course the most important...TBBs kick ass in beer pong. You will hold the fucking table all night with a TBB. Beer pong combines two things that all TBBs are good at - basketball and drinking - and turns them into a slampiece lightning rod that will have you satisfied at any frat party.

As one of the 6 TBB’s (contradiction…I know…but we run in different circles) at Cornell (as of the 09-10 school year), I with 100% certainty can confirm that the above poster is simply a TB not a TBB…Seriously, you don’t even go to JOs…and besides, there’ only one true TBB in SAE.

Ok, I guess I am the typical tbb, altleast from the eyes of a wb- now we have heard the advantages of having a tbb down with with the Wbs, but we have yet to hear to hear the tbbs side of the Story and the advantages of being a tbb and why we do it? hmmmmm

A true TBB never wants to be called a TBB. Try calling TBB what he is and he'll show you what being a bro is all about - chant, get kicked outta the bar, and take your slam piece, maybe not in that order. TBB loves white girls more than you do and you know what, he gets more than you too. You know why? Deep down he's also a RN (real n), but that's mostly when he's around his black friends (or when you call him a TBB). Moral: TBB or RN, bros fucking rule.