Friday, February 15, 2008

Day in the life: Today’s news has been bleak. The shooting of perhaps dozens of students and killing at this writing of six on a bucolic Illinois campus. Not a good way to start the day. Adding to the angst was the conviction of an ex-cop of murdering his pregnant ex-girlfriend and her unborn baby. An early morning blizzard I-8 in San Diego County stranded as many as 30 motorists and a teenager got a tiny cut on his finger that led to an infection and his death.

Smothers Brothers prophetic: Those kings of parody did a song in the 1960s or 70s that still rings true today… “They’re rioting in Africa, They’re starving in Spain, There’s hurricanes in Florida, and Texas needs rain. The whole world is festering with unhappy souls, The French hate the Germans, the Germans hate the Poles, Italians hate Yugoslavs, South Africans hate the Dutch, and I don’t like anybody very much.” Perhaps that is why the campaign message of hope resonates with so many young people.

Wash your eyes out with this: The writer’s strike is over so your favorite shows will continue and late night jokesters will have new and clever material. U2 lead singer arranged a Valentine’s Day charity auction of contemporary artworks to raise money for HIV/AIDS relief programs and earned nearly 43 million for the cause. An Israeli Arab woman applied for a new ID card. As required she showed her birth certificate which seemed to confirm her age – 120. She has 10 sons, the eldest of whom is well into his 80s. Remember, it is reported that it takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown, so be lazy. Smile a lot.

What’s eaten in Vegas stays inside: Locals in Las Vegas are no different than fans of the NY Giants football team. We love to boast, “We’re number one.” We have the most shows, biggest hotels most rooms, best gambling, prettiest women, sunniest weather, fattest people… WHAT???? Men’s Fitness magazine claimed this week that Las Vegas is the fattest ‘hood in the country. And they did not mean the wads of money in our pockets folks, they meant we are portly, rotund, gordo, obese, plump, tubby and gargantuan.

Could it be? Could the city of dancers and performers that has some of the world’s finest restaurants and largest buffets and a gym on every corner also be the community of the greatest blobs? We’re not too sure how this ranking was reached. Of course, anytime a survey is involved magazine sales increase. Add anything about Las Vegas and sales increase more. Of course, the near naked goodbody on the cover of the magazine doesn’t hurt sales.

Local reporter Brendan Buhler did not take a day off when the story appeared. He instead researched some data from the CDC (Center of Disease Control) and discovered that the corner of Kentucky, Ohio, and West Virginia held the honor of fattest area. The CDC ranks the Valley of the Dollars a paltry 33d. We have to fix that. Drop those dice, get out of the gym, and run from the slots. Go home, lounge in your Lay-Z-Boy and order a pepperoni pizza. We don’t want to see you again until you’ve added a couple of dozen.