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Monday, January 19, 2015

The terrible way people shun grief after a breakup

Let’s say you’re about to run your
first ultra-marathon - which is usually nothing less than 30 miles. They say it
is just as hard and exciting as it sounds.

A dozen of race medals are already neatly line
up on a wooden hanger, in your bedroom, but this one will be special. You want
it so badly you spare no effort to assure your success.

So
you prepare your workout gear every night before bedtime, wake up at 5 am to do
those grueling tempo-runs before going to office, religiously track macros
using fancy apps and chug loads of not-so-tasty protein powder concoctions.
Despite sacrifices, pounding the pavement feels right and it gives you a
purpose. Running makes you a better friend, a more patient parent, and a
supportive co-worker.

People
who ran similar distances in the past swear it will be the most difficult, yet
rewarding experience of your life. You’ll cry a little, laugh a little and
you’ll probably reach some mental breakthroughs along the way.

Just
days before, the race is cancelled without noticed. “Oh, and forget about the
refund”, a squeaky voice bluntly announces over the phone. “Why?” “How can it
be possible?” “I was so close?” All that enthusiasm bubbling inside you is
washed down by an ocean of desolation.

That’s
basically how being dumped on the way to the altar must feel. Only multiplied
by a thousand. But the traditional way people used to cope with such fiascos
(gallons of ice cream and floods of tears) has taken a turn for the better. Or
so it seems.

Between
August and December 2014, two men and a woman became famous after going public
with their breakups or for calling off their weddings. The more heartbreaking
the stories, the more viral they became.

However,
it took a lot more than just an e-mail to a producer or editor for an intimate,
not to mention pretty common event like a split up between two ordinary people
to become a TV sensation. Just like in a romantic comedy plot, they had to
convert their own misery into a spectacle that will either make people go
“Aww!” or cheerfully shout “Hell, yeah!”

At
the end of August 2014, he appeared on People.com, Daily Mail and even on CBS
This Morning, though not because he’s the CEO of an Internet marketing company.
Not even close. Mr. Laboon, 32, became widely known as “the guy who broke up
with his fiancée and turned their $15,000 reception into a fundraiser”.“It was obviously pretty heartbreaking
for everybody involved,” he told CBS Pittsburgh, adding that it “ended up
becoming a really good scenario". The money he managed to raise went to
Surgicorp, an organization providing free surgery in developing countries.

Another
guy who became suspiciously generous when suddenly found himself single?Jordan Axani. This handsome, 28, Canadian
guy, came up with an idea that could easily trump many top-notch marketing
strategies. His offer? An around-the-world trip, which was initially planned to
be taken this past Christmas with his now ex-girlfriend, Elizabeth Gallagher.
Changing a name on the ticket was almost impossible, so Axani started looking
for a vacation companion with the same name as his previous date and a Canadian
passport. “It’s just about a ticket not going to waste”, he explained. The
announcement grew famous beyond Canadian borders into America and soon enough
he stumble upon a perfect candidate. They are already back, though no signs of love butterflies.

Likewise,
Shelby Swink, 23, did interviews for several TV shows including “Today Show”
and was featured in several newspapers such as Huffington Post after destroying
her wedding dress with paint. This was meant to be a cathartic experience. A
counter reaction to being left by her college sweetheart five days before saying
“I do” in their hometown, Memphis, Tennessee.

“I
felt free of sadness, free of disappointment, free of anger”, she claimed.
Pictures of Shelby covered in a rainbow of paint, flexing her biceps like a
warrior goddess, are now being used as an example by feminist advocates who
call her gesture “empowering”. It’s also philanthropic. The dress was displayed
for a few weeks in a local bridal shop in Memphis, which donated a portion of
its sales to local nonprofit called Be Free Revolution.

In
the process of healing their love wounds, all three, Laboon, Axani and Swink
received hundreds of marriage proposals and gained thousands of Facebook
friends; even a movie deal for Axani. That’s not to say they don’t suffer.
Quite the opposite actually. After a breakup, any human heart goes through
various stages on the road to recovery. One of them being grief. But can they
really feel the scientific proven stinging pain in their chests or perhaps get to the roots of
their separation while constantly rushing to appear on-air? Can speaking to
reporters, no matter how friendly and well-intended, replace the need for a
deeper conversation with a specialist? Not really.

Studies
show that grieving, which can take up to several years in case of a death loss,
is a normal step when curing heartache, see postdoctoral research at Brown University. More importantly, skipping grief can backfire later.

“We
might like to skip grief, but we cannot. Even when we can temporarily deny our
pain, it still exists. It may eventually erupt, maybe at an inappropriate
moment or during another upset or illness”, points out Judy Tatelbaum, an
expert on overcoming grief and emotional suffering. So, sure, throwing a
breakup party with your closest friends and family might be a good idea. Making
it a national matter, however, could have the same effect as using pain
relieving gels to numb a rooting tooth. It will still hurt like hell after a
couple of hours.