Yesterday I posted memories.
It was rough, to the point of painful, to look at pictures from years ago when we were happy.
Old wounds still seep, even when I thought they were healed.

Today on this one year anniversary, I thought I would share some of the past year of grief.

Last year, I posted this in a fog of grief and confusion.
120 comments. I am overwhelmed by the love and support from my community.

This was my Instagram post signing off for the evening.
Not truly realizing what the next 364 days would be like.

watching his dad’s funeral
spending time with nana

writing feelings
allowing ourselves to be sad
reading cards and letters of support from friends

indulging in comfort food

finding joy with his social worker

finding comfort in routine with daddy Rob

reflecting

preparing a balloon release on his birthday (12.24)

visiting his grave for the first time

writing his dad letters

always feeling safe to cry

This was our grief project. It started out documenting life after the death of a parent.
It was raw, difficult, joyful, confusing and emotional.

After documenting grief for awhile, Davin asked if the project could change.
As an aspiring dancer, he wanted to document his dancing through his grief.
We created a bucket list, small and large, of places to visit that he could dance.
And thus began our #danceeverywhere project

Dance on a competitive team.
(first performance with his first competitive team, PEAK)

Dance in an alley.

Dance with a partner. Pas de Deux.

Dance in our very own house (bought 07/2015)

Dance in the Street.

Ballet in nature.

Dance in a fountain.

Dance on the 16th Street Mall.

Dance in a river or stream.

Dance at the Zombie Crawl 2015.

We have big goals- Legoland or Disneyland, The rain forest in Washington, the beach.
Some are a little smaller like a haunted house and his second year at competitions.

This has been our year in grief.
***

We went back to say hello.

leave letters and a photo (with flowers)

spend some quiet time talking

and laying with him

Davin said, “that was the most beautiful grave”

and of course, dance everywhere. Including for his father who never got to see him dance but I know would be proud.

This was our last family photo taken together before we split
I’ll be honest, it takes a lot of willpower to be able to look at more than just a few snapshots of someone you had so much anger with.
Someone you felt like you were never on good terms with.
Honestly, someone who you will always have unresolved business with.

But I felt like this was necessary for our healing, especially my son.
So here are a bunch of memories.

(Davin’s first trip- to Phoenix to meet his Grandpa Paul)

As hard as these photos are to look at now, I’m so thankful that I took them and saved them through the pain.

Davin’s last camping trip with his dad in 2011

His last birthday party with his father, 3 years old.
Our favorite place, Georgetown.
The bottom photo is so significant, this sort of marks the end of innocence.
Shortly after this photo was taken was when his father and I separated in 2011 and I miss these carefree days.
I see this same kind of bliss on his face when he dances now as a young man.

My sweet baby at three.

More from our last family photos taken together, in 2011.

Part of my healing is remembering there were times that we were happy.
That we did not hate each other and divorce had not made us so bitter.
Part of letting go is loving these moments, who he used to be and being thankful for the gift of our son he left behind.