Dumbass Pages

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

The Gorilla & the Dumbass

I think we have come across a first here at Dumbass News. I say "I think" because I used all the relevant search terms to scour the blog archives for a similarly themed story. My efforts were in vain. I was looking for a post relating to monkeys. Or chimps. Or gorillas. The closest I came to meeting that criterion was this post about King Kong. Even that story wasn't about the real King Kong, just some ugly bitch who liked like the Big Ape.

Therefore, I believe we are about to boldly go where we have never gone before. Kind of likeStar Trek.

Except we are in the alternate universe known as the Dumbass Divergence.

San Antone

Famous San Antonio Lez Bean Gorilla

A Dumbass named Paul Nimnicht (which is dangerously close to "Paul Numbnuts") was on the North Side of the Alamo City at a nightclub called CoCo Bongo (are we sure that this idiot's last name is not "Numbnuts"? CoCo Bongo? Really?) when he suddenly bolted from the premises darting into traffic and was greeted by a white Infinity. And by "greeted by" I mean "flattened like an IHOP short stack". This is not really all that odd, even for San Antonio, considering that Numbnuts could have been commode huggin' drunk and in dire need of being run over by a passing automobile. That's merely speculation, and the recollection of a similar incident involving me and a Ford F-250 Pick Up Truck in Dallas and The Busy Bee Gentlemen's Club, on my part though.

The strange part of this tale is that, at the time of his untimely confrontation with a luxury automobile, Numbnuts was being chased by a guy in a gorilla suit! As a Former Professional Drinker, let me assure you that being three sheets to the wind and simultaneously being aggressively pursued by a fellow dressed like King Kong can be a very disconcerting experience for the pursuee. To be honest, getting smacked by an Infinity was in a weird sort of way probably some form of relief for poor Numbnuts.

The Posse

At this point the San Antonio Police are involved and are pouring over the vicinity looking for a Dumbass in a gorilla suit. It should come as no surprise that the SAPD would catch the King Kong Guy. It would have taken a miracle of Biblical proportions or the sudden break out of a Meskin Lez Bean Orgy for a guy in a gorilla costume to escape the watchful and observant eye of San Antone's Finest. God was busy and the Lez Beans were orgy-ing somewhere else in SA that night. Goober in the Gorilla Suit was found at a nearby bar. I ain't kiddin'. I guess the zoo must be on the other side of town, because that's the only place that would have provided Monkey Man with some sort of cover.

Soon Gorilla Boy will be eating "bananas" in the Bexar County Hilton, maybe to be followed by King Dong somewhere in the Texas Department of Erections Corrections.