Tag Archives: rigged

The long-awaited sequel to the Bond franchise, Tomorrow Always Sucks, opens (tomorrow) at theaters across Down County and fans, many of whom have camped out for months (which has nothing to do with the film) couldn’t be happier.

Blake Mosley, Flubug’s erstwhile FBI-Agent-at-Large, is in top form as Agent 007, charged with preventing an unhinged Ukrainian crime boss (Paul Manafort) from rigging a presidential election and wreaking havoc on everything from the World’s Largest Graphite Pencil to the Flubug Caverns.

Wren and Sonata are brilliant as Manafort’s misguided seductresses. Wren, as “Sayonara,” captivates Bond while secretly blaming him for the loss of her Miss Universe crown. Sonata, as “Pusskovatchka,” takes him on a perilous spelunking day trip that accidentally(?) reveals a labyrinth of wired explosives and enough dynamite to put Manafort in the Oval Office and make Tire Fire City look like a Yee sparkler.

As always, Mosley and Manafort are electrifying on screen. Manafort’s dastardly deeds include rigging a manatee with a remote control detonator, sending KGB-trained turtles into Democratic districts with fake proxy ballots, dropping photos of Chris Christie naked from Port Authority drones over the George Washington Bridge and synchronizing a series of explosions so massive, so incredibly dastardly, no one but Bond could possibly stop him.

Posters of Paul Manafort posing in his signature wet suit with the exact spear gun he reportedly used to take out Ukrainian protestors have been selling faster than Raven’s meth at a Hellion’s concert. And Manafort’s skills as a political operative have proven to be just as effective on this side of the Atlantic.

Rumors of a nomination for Best Supporting Actress have also been circulating in the wake of Ellen Barkin’s stellar performance as Miss Moneypenny. Barkin, who turned the mildly flirtatious role on its heels by performing fellatio on Bond for ten steamy minutes, is said to have guaranteed a role in the next three sequels.