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14 September 2009

Kanye West Doesn't Like Teenage Girls

(Note: This entry was made when this blog was something different. I'm keeping it because the subject matter suits the new direction, but please bear in mind that the tone may be somewhat . . . harsher.)

I got busy doing other things yesterday, since unlike you mouth breathers I actually have a life outside the internet. As a result there was no Daily Dumbass Award posted.

Everybody join in with me now: AWWWWWWWW, that's a shame.

Good job. Thanks for pretending you care.

Anyway, since I'm so nagmificent and nagmanimous (not to mention completely unable to spell words ploperry), I'll post a Daily Dumbass Double Deal (and hey, I haven't seen such an awesome pair of Double Ds since Gianna Michaels' last video), and we'll call it even.

Everybody join in with me now: YAAAAAAYYYYYYY, YOU'RE AWESOME!

Good job. Thanks again for pretending you care.

Speaking of pretending to care, the VMA Ceremony aired last night on MTV. Notice I didn't say VMA Awards. That is because VMA stands for Video Music Awards. So to add the word "awards" again would be ridiculous. Much like MTV actually presenting awards for music videos when it doesn't even air the fucking things any more.

But, present the awards they did. Apparently there were touching tributes to pedophile, drug addict, over-pampered nutcase and eternal boy-man Michael Jackson (and don't get me started on that crap, folks, really) by fake Jew Madonna Louise Ciccone and fake singer Janet Jackson--seriously, Janet has a voice thinner than Karen Carpenter in the back of the closet . (And holy shit, I wonder who else I can offend with this paragraph. Maybe I can toss in a reference to Helen Keller mistaking her curling iron for her vibrator for good measure). Also apparently Lady Gaga did his best impersonation of a tampon, despite the obvious deficit of not having a vagina. And apparently awards were even given for music videos at some point in the middle of all the posturing, posing, and prima donnas. I say "apparently" because I didn't watch this shit. I do not have, nor do I need to have, cable TV. That whole "life" thing, remember? Yeah. Keeps you busy.

Anyway, so at one point they were giving out the award for best female video (insert Sasha Grey comment here), and two of the nominees were Beyoncé for some song I haven't heard and don't give a shit about, and Taylor Swift for some other song I haven't heard and don't give a shit about. Swift won, and took the stage to accept her worthless little Moon Man statue and thank a bunch of people about whom you will not now, nor will you ever, give a fuck.

Enter Kanye West.

Kanye, as I'm sure we all know, has a history of doing and saying things that can only be described as stupid shit. And he has a particular habit of doing so at the VMAs. He's charged the stage, pitched hissy fits backstage, and generally made--well, I was going to say he's generally made an asshole of himself, but since he's already an asshole that would be redundant. Let's just say he's proven to be an annoying little fucker at the VMAs and move on to what he did last night.

Not surprisingly, it was more of the same. Kanye, who arrived at the awards carrying a bottle of fucking Hennessey, followed Swift onto the stage, wrested the microphone from her hands, and proceeded to go what can politely be called batshit. "Taylor, I'm really happy for you, and I'm gonna let you finish, but Beyoncé had one of the best videos of all time!" Which is neither here nor there, as Swift's video was voted best in that category. (Not that you could actually see the fucking thing on MTV to be able to form an independent judgment on it, and how did this dead horse get in here?)

Kanye left the stage to boos, Swift got stuck holding her Moon Man (and "holding my Moon Man" just became my new euphemism for taking a piss) with a look on her face that just screamed "What the FUCK, 'Ye?" and lo and behold yet another VMA ceremony was saved from running smoothly and without incident. And Kanye West, who I predict will one day open his big stupid mouth so wide that he will just fall into the fucking thing and disappear forever from human memory, receives the first of today's two Daily Dumbass awards. Kanye's will take the form of a prick with ears, for which he himself will be the model.

Oh, and sweetly enough, we wound up with a happy ending (insert second Sasha Grey reference here), because when Beyoncé's song won Video of the Year, she graciously invited Taylor Swift onstage to finish her acceptance speech.

That is a grand gesture.

That is professional.

That is the mark of a class act. Well done, Ms. Knowles. (I would applaud you, but all these Sasha Grey references got me a little excited and, well, you know . . . )

Kanye, put down the cheap-ass ghetto cognac and take note. You could learn a thing or to from Beyoncé.