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August 21, 2012

WTF is wrong with me

I have issues. ..

It has been 1 year and 5 months since Cain and I broke up. 5 months after we broke up I met Lucas, who I have been seeing off an on for the past year now. We aren’t serious because he is a lot younger than I am and still in college, 4 hours away from where I live. We know it’s not realistic to try to have a relationship, not right now. Anyway, during this whole year and half Cain has been single and not even meeting new girls. He was unemployed for a long time as well so I think that had a lot to do with it. Anyway, I found Lucas and realized that Cain and I could never be together again. Not because Lucas and I are getting married or anything but because I realized what I want in a relationship and I know Cain can’t give me those things. Today was a strange day for me though; Cain told me he is dating someone and they are semi-serious. I got really upset and jealous! It was ridiculous and I don’t understand it. I KNOW Cain and I can’t have the life that I want, we are too different and want different things and it just isn’t fair to either of us. So why am I upset? I guess it just bothered me thinking of them…together. Thinking of him loving someone other than me and wondering why he didn’t love me enough to want to have children with me and get married. I know it’s foolish and just plain painful to think of these things but I can’t help it! I am so happy that he is happy, don’t get me wrong. He has been so unhappy for a long time that I am glad things are turning around for him, I guess I just wish we could have made it work. I wish love was enough. We loved each other, a lot, but it just wasn’t enough. It makes me angry to be honest! People are always saying “love conquers all” and yada yada but they lie! Love does not conquer all, in my opinion. Everyone tells me it’s because Cain wasn’t “the one” and when I meet this mystery man some day, love will prevail. FUCK THAT. I loved Cain with all of my heart and it wasn’t enough. Why would god make me love someone so much if it was going to end this way? I’ll never understand it.

I don’t even understand myself right now! Ugh, I have so many emotions going through me I feel like I could explode. I can’t even think straight. I am going to take some meds and try to get some sleep, I need to let this day and these feelings go and hope to wake up tomorrow a better me.