Funeral Basicshttps://www.funeralbasics.org
Reliable planning and informative articles.Fri, 16 Mar 2018 13:49:53 +0000en-UShourly1https://wordpress.org/?v=4.9.3What to Expect at a Funeral Arrangement Conferencehttps://www.funeralbasics.org/expect-funeral-arrangement-conference/
Wed, 07 Mar 2018 04:00:08 +0000https://www.funeralbasics.org/?p=3810None of us are ever truly prepared to lose someone we love. Whether the loss comes suddenly or has been long expected, you may experience a wide range of emotions:...

]]>None of us are ever truly prepared to lose someone we love. Whether the loss comes suddenly or has been long expected, you may experience a wide range of emotions: shock, denial, fear, confusion, guilt, regret, sadness. Numbness and shock are common in the first two days, which is usually when the arrangements occur. To help ease the burden you may feel so soon after a loss, it’s helpful to know what to expect when you head into an arrangement conference. Preparing ahead of time will help ease your mind and prepare your thoughts.

Why Do We Have Arrangement Conferences?

It may be best to start off with a definition. An arrangement conference is a time specifically set aside for a recently bereaved family to meet with a funeral director and discuss the details of a meaningful tribute and final disposition. Additionally, it’s an opportunity for the funeral director to get to know you better and learn how to best honor your loved one.

Dr. Alan Wolfelt, a nationally respected grief author and counselor, says that the funeral ritual is incredibly important for our individual grief journeys. “Rich in history and rife with symbolism, the funeral ceremony helps us acknowledge the reality of the death, gives testimony to the life of the deceased, encourages the expression of grief in a way consistent with the culture’s values, provides support to mourners, allows for the embracing of faith and beliefs about life and death, and offers continuity and hope for the living.”

With this in mind, the arrangement conference is a time set aside for you and the funeral director to work together to create a meaningful and healing funeral service. Most arrangement conferences take place in the funeral home, but if you are traveling from a long distance or can’t make it to the funeral home in person, you may also be able to work with your funeral director over the phone and via text, email, and other digital solutions.

Main Objectives

There are three main objectives for your time with the funeral director during the arrangement conference.

1. Gather the vital information of the person who died, which the funeral director will then use on your behalf to request death certificates, file for veterans’ burial benefits, and file life insurance claims.

Typically, the conference takes about 2-3 hours on the day of or the day after a death. The funeral director will guide you through the available funeral service and memorial options, music selections, coordination with a church and cemetery (or other desired location for the service), and much more.

What Questions Should I Consider in Advance?

The funeral director is your partner and your guide throughout this process. They have the experience and the knowledge to help you make informed decisions. Consider your funeral director a resource – they will explain all the options that are available to you as well as answer any questions you may have. Even though you will get a thorough explanation, it’s a good plan to come to the arrangement conference having considered a few key questions:

Where and when should the services be held?

Do you want to publish an obituary? If you do, who will write it? Where will you publish it?

In lieu of flowers, do you want to offer charitable contributions as an option for sympathy gifts?

Have you chosen a cemetery or other final resting place?

Do you need assistance with selecting a monument or grave marker?

What kind of funeral service is most appropriate? Simple? Elaborate? Public? Private? Religious?

What would you consider to be the best way to honor and memorialize your lost loved one?

Should there be a viewing, visitation, funeral service, committal service?

If there is a service, who will participate? Musicians, speakers, pallbearers?

Do you know someone who will act as officiant, or will you need the funeral home’s assistance in this matter?

What Should I Bring?

The more information you bring, the smoother the meeting will be (and the less documentation you will need to bring back later). For a checklist of items to consider taking with you to an arrangement conference, print and review this Funeral Arrangement Conference Checklist. The list is fairly comprehensive and gives you an excellent place to start. However, the funeral home may ask you for something not included.

Some Final Tips

First of all, prepare as much as you can ahead of time. You can gather necessary documents, clothing and personal items, details for the obituary, and photos to be used in the service ahead of time.

Secondly, don’t feel rushed during the conference. Remember, the funeral director is there to help you with all your needs and is ready to serve you fully.

Thirdly, ask as many questions as you need. As you plan a tribute for your loved one, the funeral director is there to be a knowledgeable and available partner in a difficult situation. Make use of their experience and ask as many questions as you need.

Finally, take notes. You will receive a lot of information during the arrangement conference, and it’s unlikely you will be able to remember it all. Take a notepad with you and make sure to write things down.

The Importance of Planning Ahead

If your loved one has made arrangements in advance, many of these questions will be answered for you. With the answers already in hand, the arrangement conference will go very smoothly. Often, the only question left to answer is the date and time for the service to be held! If your loved one has not planned ahead, you now know how difficult it can be to make dozens of decisions under a cloud of stress and grief. Once you are back into your routine, you might consider planning ahead for your own funeral wishes. By doing this, you can spare your family the stress of making decisions at an incredibly emotional and stressful time.

]]>Funerals and Family Discord: What Can You Do?https://www.funeralbasics.org/funerals-family-discord/
Thu, 01 Mar 2018 08:40:15 +0000https://www.funeralbasics.org/?p=3822Funerals are always difficult. Emotions are closer to the surface. Add to that the struggles and intricacies associated with relationships. Dealing with either family discord or difficult people at an...

]]>Funerals are always difficult. Emotions are closer to the surface. Add to that the struggles and intricacies associated with relationships. Dealing with either family discord or difficult people at an already difficult time is incredibly taxing. If you’ve lost someone you love, you are already feeling a wide ranges of emotions: shock, denial, fear, confusion, guilt, regret, sadness. You may not feel that you have energy left to deal with difficult people or situations.

Family discord or interactions with difficult people can happen at any stage of the funeral process. It may be that you and a sibling disagree on the best way to honor your parent’s life. It could be that someone you have intentionally avoided will be coming to the funeral service. No matter the details of your particular situation, you feel your stress levels rising when you think about the funeral. If this resonates with you, take a moment to review some thoughts on how to navigate these tricky moments.

1. Be aware of your emotions.

Our emotions are a gift, but they are also our responsibility. They tell us how we feel, but they do not always reflect the truth about a situation. We need to examine whether our feelings are based on faulty assumptions or based on real facts.

As we deal with family discord or difficult people, we need to be mindful of our emotions and what they are telling us. But more importantly, we need to ask, are my emotions a reflection of reality or a result of my potentially faulty conclusions? In other words, am I thinking clearly or through an emotionally-blurred lens? It’s important to answer these questions before taking the offensive against family members during a very emotional time. Remember – you control your emotions; they do not control you.

2. Find ways to compromise.

It’s important to find a way to compromise. In some cases, family members may disagree about funeral arrangements for a lost loved one. Some may prefer cremation and others burial. And if cremation is chosen, what happens to the ashes? Who decides? This is one reason why it’s so important to plan ahead for funeral arrangements, so that family members left behind don’t have to stress over what to do. They can have confidence in what their lost loved one wanted. But in the absence of a plan, find ways to compromise so that everyone gets a little of what they want.

And if you’re attending a funeral where you will see a certain family member you’ve been avoiding, remember what the service is all about. Don’t let a past wound keep you from getting what you need from the funeral service. Whether or not there is a possibility to repair the relationship, try to forgive the person for your own peace of mind.

3. Choose your words thoughtfully.

We should weigh our words in every situation, especially during a time of loss. Those who speak out of anger or pain are usually reacting to people or situations, and may say something hurtful that they later regret. Often, if you feel the tension rising with family members, words spoken in anger will only make things worse. It’s important to stand up for yourself and express your opinion without attacking the position of others. Try to really listen to what others are saying and see things from their perspective before responding. Start your statements with “I feel” or “I think” rather than “You always do this” or “You make me so mad!” Using “I” instead of “You” statements will help you take responsibility for your emotions without accusing others and putting them on the defensive, which could escalate an already tense situation.

4. Discover what helps you cope with stress.

Know yourself and what you need in order to cope with stress. We should always be students of ourselves and of other people, seeking to understand why we and others act or react in certain ways. What calms you down? What is your outlet or release? For some, it’s painting or writing, working out, being alone for a while, or spending time with specific people who bring life and comfort.

As you approach a situation that may be difficult, do what you need to do beforehand to bring your stress levels down. Think about appropriate ways to express your grief. Don’t bottle up your grief, but channel it appropriately. If you do feel the need to express your grief vocally, go to a room by yourself (or with a safe person) and scream or cry if you need to.

5. Try to take the higher road.

When dealing with a difficult person, the last thing we often want to be is “nice.” If you and a sibling are arguing over a parent’s final wishes for the funeral service, you are likely more irritated than kindhearted at the moment. But that’s why it’s so important to look for a way to be kind.

As you look for a way to be gracious to the ones in the situation who are difficult, rude, discourteous, or any other vast array of possible adjectives, by looking for a way to be kind, you may even change the direction of the conversation. Even if others don’t respond back to you in kindness, you can look back at the funeral for your loved one and say, “I did my best in a difficult situation.”

In life, conflict is unavoidable. How we deal with it is what truly matters. If you are looking for a way to avoid family discord or an uncomfortable situation at a funeral, one option is to talk with your elderly, living relatives about making advance funeral arrangements. Or at the very least, encourage them to write down what they would like to be included in a celebration of their life. This will be a valuable opportunity for families to get on the same page regarding future events and prevent as much disagreement as possible.

]]>Top 10 Characteristics to Look for in a Funeral Homehttps://www.funeralbasics.org/top-10-characteristics-look-funeral-home/
Thu, 15 Feb 2018 09:00:58 +0000https://www.funeralbasics.org/?p=3539For many of us, the death of a loved one is one of the most difficult life events we face. We don’t want to think about it, but there is...

]]>For many of us, the death of a loved one is one of the most difficult life events we face. We don’t want to think about it, but there is value in thinking ahead and being prepared for an event that we will all face someday. Whether you want to complete advance planning arrangements or are in the midst of planning the funeral of a loved one right now, it’s important to choose the funeral home that works best for you.

Unfortunately, funeral homes are not created equal. It’s important to choose one that will meet your individual needs and desires. Consider these 10 characteristics of a good funeral home as you select a partner for your funeral planning needs.

1. Possesses a Good Reputation

We all know of a place (whether it be a restaurant, movie theater, retail store, or funeral home) that has a bad reputation. What do we instinctively do when we know a place has a bad reputation? We avoid it. We read the online reviews, we listen to other people’s stories, and we value our own experience.

2. Employs Caring and Compassionate Staff

As with any business you frequent, you should expect to be treated with kindness. However, this attitude should be especially true of funeral home staff since families are facing a difficult time in their lives. Excellent customer service and authentic sincerity constitute a large part of a funeral home’s reputation, which is one reason these two qualities are very important to funeral directors and their staff. The staff will treat you well and with consummate professionalism. If they don’t, there’s a problem.

One way to determine if a funeral home’s staff is caring is to see how involved they are in the community. Or, make a short list of funeral homes you are considering and give them a call. You can learn a lot about the quality of a person from a simple phone call. Also, some funeral homes are now incorporating grief therapy dogs as part of their staff, in an effort to provide comfort to families and guests.

3. Communicates a Commitment to the Families It Serves

No matter where you go, you should have confidence in the funeral home’s commitment to you. If a funeral home has a good reputation and employs kind and caring staff, then they will likely show great commitment to the families they serve. However, it is still good practice to read a funeral home’s mission statement and history. These two pieces of information can give you a better understanding of a funeral home’s values and commitments. You should be a top priority.

4. Is Willing to Create a Unique and Meaningful Experience for You or Your Loved One

Renowned grief counselor, author, and educator, Dr. Alan Wolfelt, says, “What is essential [when planning a funeral] is the life that was lived and the impact that life had on family and friends. To honor that unique life, the funeral must also be unique. Over and over families tell me that the best funerals are those that are personalized.”

As you consider a funeral home, ask yourself, “Will this funeral home help me create a service unique to my needs and values?” Personalized funerals and memorials are on the rise in the United States. Families and friends are looking for unique and personal ways to honor lost loved ones, and a good funeral home will work with you to create a meaningful and healing experience. Is the funeral director listening to you carefully and willing to educate you in areas where you lack knowledge? Is the funeral director offering helpful options and explaining the benefits and pitfalls of each option?

5. Offers a Good Location, Facility, and Services

First, whenever possible, choose a convenient location. You will be in frequent contact with the funeral home as you plan a funeral, so a convenient location will be helpful for your preparations.

Second, consider the funeral home facility critically. Is it clean and well-kept? Do they have a chapel, space for a visitation, viewing, or reception (if your plans require such spaces)? Is the décor to your liking? Is the space flexible – can you adjust it to meet your specific needs? Consider the elements you want to be a part of the funeral service and choose a funeral home that meets those desires.

Finally, confirm that the funeral home offers the services you need. Do they offer transportation services, embalming, cremation, etc.? Some funeral homes now offer child-friendly spaces – is that something that’s important to you? No matter what your wishes, only commit to a funeral home that can accomplish them.

6. Accommodates Religious or Cultural Needs

In the United States, the population has always been a mix of religions and culture. As it becomes even more diverse, it’s important for funeral homes to meet the changing needs. With this in mind, no matter what your background, you should look for a funeral home that will help you honor your loved one in the way that you deem appropriate for your cultural background and religious beliefs. For some people, their origins and beliefs make up the fabric of who they are. It’s important that these core values are evident in the funeral or memorial service. No two people are the same, and because of our individual uniqueness, no two funerals should be the same either.

7. Values Transparency about Costs and Descriptions

Almost everyone values a transparent fee structure. With that in mind, partner with a funeral home that values openness and transparency with you. In case you aren’t aware, funeral homes are required to follow the Federal Trade Commission’s Funeral Rule. This law stipulates that, when asked, a funeral home:

Must provide any consumer with a general price list

Should inform the consumer that they have the right to choose the funeral goods and services they want (with some exceptions)

Must disclose, on the general price list, whether any particular item is required by state or local law

May not refuse or charge a fee to handle a casket bought elsewhere

Must offer alternative containers (if cremation is chosen, alternative containers must be offered)

Ask for an itemized list that includes all expenses with nothing left out. This will help you determine what’s best for your budget – no surprises! And remember, you get what you pay for. Cheapest isn’t always best in every case. If you are looking to cut down on costs, consider looking into a preplanned and prepaid funeral. By making plans without the stress of time constraints, a family can save hundreds of dollars.

In short, look for a funeral home that is considerate of your needs and your budget. Is the funeral home transparent about funeral service costs? Is the package pricing clear? Have they offered you a general price list and helped you plan a service within your budget?

8. Offers Grief Resources

An important question to ask yourself is, “Does this funeral home provide services beyond the funeral itself?” A good funeral home will be there for you even after the funeral is over. Look for an establishment that offers grief counseling services, post funeral newsletters and education, grief support groups or materials, in-home “check in” visits and phone calls, or hosts holiday commemoration services, to name a few options. Your grief journey is important, and the right funeral home can help you on the road toward healing.

9. Utilizes Up-to-Date Technology

The funeral industry is often accused of being behind the times, but this is not entirely true. Yes, some funeral homes may be slow to change, but there are new, exciting technological advances available. More and more funeral homes are cultivating a social media presence, creating and updating their websites, helping families create memorial videos, or offering webcasting services. Some are even providing online funeral planning services. If these services are important to you, look for a funeral home that uses up-to-date technology to enhance its services.

10. Engages the Community with Education Programs

Finally, a good funeral home and its staff engages the community before, during, and after the funeral. Does the funeral home host education programs about estate planning and the importance of getting your affairs together? Do they offer Lunch & Learns to share the importance of funeral preplanning or offer tours of the funeral home facilities? Do they offer hospice continuing education or engage in community events? The funeral home should be an advocate of information. Death inevitably comes to us all, and we cannot change that. But, education and preparation can be our ally, but that only happens if a funeral home engages with its community.

]]>The Truth About Life Insurance and Funeral Expenseshttps://www.funeralbasics.org/truth-life-insurance-funeral-expenses/
Mon, 12 Feb 2018 13:46:33 +0000https://www.funeralbasics.org/?p=3734It’s not uncommon for families to expect to pay for a funeral with life insurance benefits. Sounds like a simple plan, doesn’t it? The truth is, there can be many...

]]>It’s not uncommon for families to expect to pay for a funeral with life insurance benefits.

Sounds like a simple plan, doesn’t it?

The truth is, there can be many unexpected complications with life insurance policies. Some are no longer valid because no one has paid on them in years, and they have now lapsed. Some have beneficiaries named who are no longer living, which means delays and complications with getting your claim paid. The policy may have a lien on it. Or, the date of death or cause of death could limit the death benefit. Listing an ex-spouse or a minor as beneficiary is also a very common issue. In some states, an ex-spouse listed as a beneficiary will receive nothing unless the divorce decree specifically states that they should. More delays and complications. Any of these “red flags” could prevent you from using your policy for funeral expenses. Even if your policy is problem free, it may take 6 to 8 weeks to receive payment.

Additionally, have you carefully considered the amount of your life insurance policy? Aside from funeral expenses, what else do you want your loved ones to be able to pay for? Is your life insurance beneficiary a co-signer on your credit card bills, and therefore, liable to pay them? Would you want to pay off the mortgage on your home so your surviving spouse can stay there? Or, pay off vehicles or other large items? If your family members rely on your income, will they have enough to cover basic expenses until your income can be replaced? If you incur high medical bills before you pass away, they will be paid for by your estate (assets). Is your insurance policy amount enough to fill the potential loss in your estate’s worth? If you have not considered these secondary expenses, your family may have a hard time covering all the potential costs.

So, a simple plan isn’t so simple anymore.

Here are a few solutions that may help avoid complications with life insurance at the time of death:

Review Your Policies.

If you plan to use life insurance benefits to cover your funeral, check the policy and make sure it is still valid. If you have any questions, contact an elder law attorney. They will help identify any “red flags” in your policies and assist you in correcting them. Or, if you are in the midst of planning a funeral for a lost loved one, you can direct your questions to the funeral home. Please contact your life insurance company for specific questions about your policy.

Make Sure the Policy is Assignable.

When you review your policy, make sure it is “assignable.” You must be able to assign the benefits to go to a third party who will file the claim for you (the funeral home, or an assignment company). The type of policy you signed up for and the life insurance company determine whether a policy is assignable. Funeral homes generally accept a life insurance policy in lieu of payment for a funeral, though it’s best not to assume that they will. Remember, if they do accept a policy as payment, it must be assignable. Retirement benefits and 401(k) benefits are not assignable. If the policy is not assignable, families will be unable to use life insurance to cover funeral costs. This is in large part because insurance companies can take at least 6 to 8 weeks to process a claim. Typically, this is long after the funeral has taken place.

Use an Advance Funding Company.

Some funeral homes partner with advance funding companies (also called an assignment company). Similar to a tax return advance you might get from your tax preparer, advance funding is an advance on your life insurance policy benefits. In short, an assignment company contacts the insurance company and verifies that the policy has not lapsed and has no other issues. Funds are advanced within 24-48 hours once the verification process is complete. The best part is, your claim is filed for you, and any funds in excess of funeral expenses can be advanced right to you. The assignment company will deduct a small fee to cover administrative costs.

If you are interested in finding out more about assignment companies, one reputable assignment service company is Directors Choice Assignment Services. Take a few moments to look at the website. Think about whether an assignment company is an option you’d like to pursue. If it is, contact the funeral homes in your area to find out if they partner with an assignment company. Please note, you must go through the funeral home in order to use an assignment company. This option may not be available in your area, so ask the funeral home for their best solutions. They are knowledgeable and will have helpful suggestions for you.

Take Care of Any Issues Before Death Occurs.

It’s hard to deal with the financial assets of a lost loved one. If there is no clear heir, the courts will likely probate the estate. When an estate is probated, it means that the court system must approve the validity of a last will and testament and confirm the appointment of the executor. This process can sometimes be lengthy and incur additional costs. You will make it much easier for your heirs to inherit your assets according to your wishes if you create a will and update the beneficiary information on your policies regularly.

Preplan Your Funeral.

Another way you can help your loved ones is by planning the details of your funeral in advance. This actually helps your family save money because they know your wishes. When family members are grieving, it can be hard for them to make decisions. Sometimes there is a tendency to overspend because people want “only the best” for Mom or Dad. But buying with this mentality leaves less money in the proverbial pot. Will there be enough for living expenses, debt repayment, and maybe even college for the kids? A prepaid funeral plan offers several surprising benefits above and beyond what a simple life insurance policy can do. See the chart below for a few of the benefits of a prepaid funeral plan.

Though it is sometimes a challenge, the funeral home will work with families to discover solutions for funeral payment. Sometimes a death comes quickly and unexpectedly, and people are not always prepared for such a great expense. Determine your plan before tragedy strikes. By doing so, you can relieve your loved ones of money worries on one of the worst days of their lives.

]]>Top 12 Country Songs for a Celebration of Life Servicehttps://www.funeralbasics.org/top-12-country-songs-celebration-life-service/
Fri, 26 Jan 2018 10:45:12 +0000https://www.funeralbasics.org/?p=3555“A good country music song takes a page out of somebody’s life and puts music to it.” – Conway Twitty According to well-known grief expert, counselor, and author Dr. Alan...

“A good country music song takes a page out of somebody’s life and puts music to it.” – Conway Twitty

According to well-known grief expert, counselor, and author Dr. Alan Wolfelt, music is an important element of a meaningful funeral because it “help[s] us access our feelings…think about our loss.” Music is a window to the soul. We all know a song that particularly touched our heart, brought tears to our eyes or joy to our spirit. Music takes us to a place mere words never can. It can be an essential tool in our grief journeys.

Countless people across the world are country music fans, and they consider the genre a big part of their everyday life. For that reason, we have put together these top 12 country songs. Whether you need a grief playlist or are planning a funeral and need inspiration, this list is worth checking out. Of course, if you are planning a funeral for a loved one, the more connection you or your loved one has to a song, the better it will be for a celebration of life. But if you are looking for ideas, please review this list and see if any of these songs meet your needs.

12. I Hope You Dance (Lee Ann Womack)

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance
Never settle for the path of least resistance
I hope you dance

Over time, this would become Lee Ann Womack’s signature song. It won the Country Music Association’s and Academy of Country Music’s awards for Song of the Year as well as a Grammy Award for Best Country Song of the Year. The song calls us to be active in the stories of our lives and to take the opportunities before us to find hope and new life.

11. Live Like You Were Dying (Tim McGraw)

I spoke sweeter and I gave forgiveness I’d been denyin’
And he said someday I hope you get the chance
To live like you were dyin’

Released in August 2004, this song went on to be the 2005 Grammy Award winner for Best Country Male Vocal Performance and the Best Country Vocal Performance. The original music video prominently featured McGraw’s relationship with his father, who had died of brain cancer. No matter whether you are grieving or grieving and planning a funeral, this song is worth a look.

10. Temporary Home (Carrie Underwood)

This was just a stop on the way to where I’m going
I’m not afraid because I know
This was my temporary home

This lovely ballad was co-written by Carrie Underwood and inspired by her belief that Earth is our temporary home. One day, heaven awaits those who truly believe in God. This song is beautiful in its melody and message. When making selections for a celebration of life, choose music that would be meaningful to the lost loved one but also to those gathered to mourn. Music helps us realize and release our emotions, and for a funeral service to be a healing experience, mourners must be invited to express their grief.

9. If I Had Only Known (Reba McEntire)

So unaware I foolishly believed
That you would always be there
But then there came a day
And I turned my head and you slipped away

In this powerful song, the longing in the singer’s voice draws the listener in as she reflects on all the things she would have done or said if only she’d known what was coming. Even if death is not a surprise to us, we may still feel a sense of shock or disbelief when it occurs. Perhaps, we even wish we’d done some things differently. This song perfectly illustrates our natural desire to turn back time and say things unsaid or do things undone.

8. There’ll be You (Faith Hill)

In my heart
There will always be a place for you for all my life
I’ll keep a part of you with me
And everywhere I am, there you’ll be

Nominated for both an Academy Award and a Golden Globe Award for Best Original Song, this hit song dips and soars, inviting us to join in the emotional journey. Faith Hill’s melodic tones perfectly express the deep feelings of gratitude we have toward those who give us strength, steadfastness, and love throughout our lives. The words “I’ll keep a part of you with me” are perfect for those who are mourning, as we will always carry the memory of a lost loved one within us.

7. Just a Closer Walk With Thee (Patsy Cline)

When my feeble life is o’er
Time for me will be no more
Guide me gently, safely o’er
To Thy Kingdom’s shore, to Thy shore

A beloved hymn with a long history, this Patsy Cline recording of “Just a Closer Walk With Thee” is beautiful and touching. The song is a statement and a prayer. It calls the listener to trust in God during times of grief and struggle. Though we may not understand why a death has occurred, this song gives hope that God is with us. Patsy Cline’s rendition is dear to the hearts of many, and it provides an avenue for us to express our emotions.

6. Angels Among Us (Alabama)

Oh, I believe there are angels among us
Sent down to us from somewhere up above

If you are familiar with country music, you’ve likely heard of the band Alabama. They became known for their unique blend of country music and southern rock with elements of gospel and pop. To date, they are the most awarded band in country music history. This 1993 hit song is exceptionally versatile and has been used for many different types of events. It beautifully portrays the goodness in people and how every person can be an angel in disguise to someone around them.

5. Go Rest High on That Mountain (Vince Gill)

Oh, how we cried the day you left us
We gathered round your grave to grieve

Inspirational and emotional, this Grammy Award-winning song was originally written as a tribute to Vince Gill’s brother, who passed away from a heart attack. Vince Gill would later state, “All I wanted to do was grieve for him and celebrate his life.” The song talks about the pain we feel when lose someone we love but couples that pain with hope, reflecting on the joy that comes from being with God.

4. The Dance (Garth Brooks)

Our lives are better left to chance
I could have missed the pain
But I’d have had to miss the dance

Well known in country music circles, “The Dance” is one of the most beloved country songs. The song is soft and poignant throughout, beginning with a beautiful piano introduction. The lyrics are simple but relatable, exploring the relationship between pain and risk. When we love people, we are taking a risk because one day we will lose them. But if we turn away out of fear, then we miss the dance of life.

3. Daddy’s Hands (Holly Dunn)

If I could do things over, I’d live my life again
and never take for granted the love in daddy’s hands

Written as a Father’s Day gift, “Daddy’s Hands” became Holly Dunn’s breakout song, and later, her signature hit. The lyrics are sweet and simple, beautifully portraying the love between a father and his child. With its open lyrics, either a son or daughter could use the song as the perfect tribute for a father or father figure.

2. One More Day (Diamond Rio)

I didn’t ask for money
Or a mansion in Malibu
I simply asked for one more day with you

Following several tragic events that occurred in 2001 – namely 9/11, the Oklahoma State plane crash, and the death of Dale Earnhardt – “One More Day” became a song of mourning and healing. Diamond Rio drummer, Brian Prout, said that it was very special, knowing that the song had an “impact on someone’s life and helped in a tough time of healing and hope.” The desire for more time with our lost loved ones is universal. This song helps us touch on those emotions and express them in a healthy way.

1. When I Get Where I’m Going (Brad Paisley, featuring Dolly Parton)

But when I get where I’m going
And I see my maker’s face
I’ll stand forever in the light
Of his amazing grace

Featuring the vocal harmony of Dolly Parton, this inspirational song carries a two-fold focus. In part, the lyrics paint a picture of wonder and joy awaiting those who have left this earth and an exhortation to those still alive that they should rejoice that their loved one is in heaven. But on the other hand, the song also acknowledges the pain we experience when those we love are gone and the way that we miss them deeply. Bittersweet and beautiful, this song is well worth considering for a meaningful celebration of life.

]]>Grieving the “Firsts” After a Losshttps://www.funeralbasics.org/grieving-firsts/
Thu, 18 Jan 2018 08:25:53 +0000https://www.funeralbasics.org/?p=3716The first year without your loved one can be very difficult, especially as milestones approach. First Valentine’s Day. First birthday. Christmas. The anniversary of your loved one’s passing. Each of...

]]>The first year without your loved one can be very difficult, especially as milestones approach. First Valentine’s Day. First birthday. Christmas. The anniversary of your loved one’s passing. Each of these days will be difficult in their own ways.

Dr. Alan Wolfelt, a noted grief counselor, author, and educator, affirms that our grief journeys are as unique as we are. “In life, everyone grieves. But their grief journeys are never the same. Despite what you may hear, you will do the work of mourning in your own special way. Be careful about comparing your experience with that of other people. Also, do not adopt assumptions about how long your grief should last. Just consider taking a ‘one-day-at-a-time’ approach. Doing so allows you to mourn at your own pace.”

Here are a few ideas for navigating your “firsts”:

1. Plan ahead if you can.

As a special day or milestone approaches, consider what you will need to get through the day. Plan ahead and decide if you need to take the day off to rest and reflect. You may also wish to do something special or meaningful to honor your loved one’s memory. Or, you may want to go to a special place or gather with certain people on that day. A little planning ahead of time can make for a more peaceful and contemplative day.

2. Find a way to celebrate and remember your lost loved one.

The hardest part about a day that is special to you is if no one else seems to remember. No matter what the particular day may be, if it’s significant to you and your lost loved one, do something to remember, to celebrate, to commemorate, to honor. Take flowers to the gravesite, look through old photos and videos, light a candle, or write a letter. At Thanksgiving or Christmas, you can serve their favorite dish and start calling it by their name – Nana’s mashed potatoes, Joe’s green bean casserole, etc. You can also sing your loved one’s favorite Christmas carols or put a remembrance ornament on your tree. All of these are simple ways to express your grief outwardly. The outward expression of grief will help bring peace and healing on a difficult day.

3. Reinvent the day and bring hope to a day of sadness.

Another option is to reinvent the days that bring you pain. For example, on the anniversary of your loved one’s death, do something that would have delighted them. If they loved to fish, maybe you and your family could honor their birthday by spending a day at the lake and taking time to remember and cherish. On your first Valentine’s Day without your loved one, you might treat yourself to a dinner out or eat a meal with others who have lost a significant other.

This same principle can be applied to any special day. Even at Thanksgiving or Christmas, you can look for ways to reinvent the day and make it something new, something meaningful and healing, something intentional and beautiful. For example, your family might decide to celebrate away from home if a Christmas at home is too difficult to face. Changing routines and focusing on what brings you joy and peace, even temporarily, can help you get through a difficult day or season.

4. Give back to meaningful causes.

As birthdays or the anniversary of the loss come around, some people choose to run a fundraiser via social media supporting a cause that helped their loved one, such as the Alzheimer’s Association, the American Cancer Society, nonprofit hospitals, or other significant causes.

If your loved one loved animals, you may decide to give a donation in their name to a local rescue. Another idea would be to volunteer your time to a local nonprofit that cares for animals. If they greatly valued children, find a way of giving back to local or international programs that help children. You may even sign up for a race or a walk that raises funds for a special cause.

Some people become so passionate about a cause after losing a loved one that they establish their own nonprofit organizations in memory of the person who died. Whatever you decide to do, giving back is one way you can pay it forward to others and carry on your loved one’s legacy. Though your loved one is gone, their legacy lives on through you.

The possibilities for honoring a loved one on a special day are virtually endless. It all depends on what speaks to you. What makes you feel close to the one you have lost? What were their favorite things? Once you discover what comforts your heart, do it year after year, until it’s either a beloved tradition or you feel that you can stop. As Dr. Wolfelt assures us, each grief journey is different. No two are the same. Do what works for you and brings you peace. In time, the significance of the day will change slightly. Yes, it will still mark the loss of your loved one, but it will also come to have new meaning and new life.

In truth, we never really get over our grief; we become reconciled to it. We find a new way to live because the old way is gone forever. As Dr. Wolfelt puts it, “You will find that as you achieve reconciliation, the sharp, ever-present pain of grief will give rise to a renewed sense of meaning and purpose. Your feelings of loss will not completely disappear, yet they will soften, and the intense pangs of grief will become less frequent. Hope for a continued life will emerge as you are able to make commitments to the future, realizing that the person you have given love to and received love from will never be forgotten. The unfolding of this journey is not intended to create a return to an ‘old normal’ but the discovery of a ‘new normal.’”

In time, you will find your “new normal.” But for now, grieve. Cry. Remember. And eventually, if you allow it, reconciliation will come. In the meantime, look for ways to celebrate or commemorate your lost loved one on those days special to you both or find a way to take the painful days and mark them for good deeds. May you find the peace and reconciliation you need.

]]>What is the Average Cost of a Funeral?https://www.funeralbasics.org/what-average-cost-funeral/
Thu, 11 Jan 2018 15:44:49 +0000https://www.funeralbasics.org/?p=3694Similar to a wedding, a funeral is a very significant event, commemorated by a gathering of family and friends and a ceremony, followed by a reception. The funeral fulfills a...

Similar to a wedding, a funeral is a very significant event, commemorated by a gathering of family and friends and a ceremony, followed by a reception. The funeral fulfills a necessary role in our grief journeys and helps us find comfort surrounded by loved ones. As Dr. Alan Wolfelt, grief expert, counselor, and author, says, “The funeral ritual…is a public, traditional and symbolic means of expressing our beliefs, thoughts and feelings about the death of someone loved.”

So, how can we prepare for the cost of such a significant life event? After all, there are no do-overs for a funeral! For reference, in the United States, the average cost of a wedding in 2016 was $35,329, according to a survey of 13,000 couples. Additionally, the overall cost was vastly different depending on what state you married in: $78,464 for a wedding in Manhattan while it was $19,522 for a wedding in Arkansas. Many times, a similar type of variance will exist in regard to funeral costs and planning simply because it is a very similar type of event.

Keep in mind that just as every wedding is different, every funeral is different. Because of this, the final costs will vary based on personal preferences and the needs of the family, as well as their budget. Some will choose cremation over burial, a funeral service over a memorial service, a flat grave marker over a monument. Each of these individual choices will affect the overall cost.

The National Funeral Directors Association (NFDA), the world’s leading and largest funeral association and a trusted leader in the funeral service profession, regularly conducts a survey tracking the average cost of a funeral. In June 2015, the survey determined the average cost of a funeral in 2014. Two types of funerals were surveyed (both pertaining to adults): 1) a funeral with viewing and burial, and 2) a funeral with viewing and cremation.

Most of the items listed are fairly self-explanatory, but you may be wondering what the “basic service fee” includes. Generally, basic service fees cover a proportionate amount of overhead, which includes the services of the funeral director and staff, facility maintenance and utilities, equipment and inventory cost, taxes and insurance, and other administrative expenses.

3. Direct Cremation/Direct Burial

The total cost of direct cremation or direct burial will be lower than the figures listed above. This is mainly because direct options do not typically include a memorial service. But again, the fees will vary depending on what state you reside in and which funeral home you choose. It’s important to make sure you are comparing apples to apples if you find what looks like a good price or special offer. Ask questions, and be sure that the package includes everything you and your family are looking for in a cremation or burial plan.

Get an accurate cost estimate from a funeral home near you

Remember, the average cost does not reflect the highest or lowest prices. Since prices can vary by region, you can get a more accurate picture of the cost of a funeral in your area simply by asking. Every funeral home is required by law to provide you with a General Price List upon request. With this resource in hand, you can look for the options that best fit your needs and budget and gain a more accurate picture of the cost of funerals in your area.

Food, flowers, and obituaries

Please note that the average cost of a funeral outlined above does not include services that are not provided by the funeral home. Most funeral homes refer to these costs as “cash advance items.”

However, these items can usually be coordinated by the funeral home and included in the funeral contract. “Cash advance items” may include, but are not limited to:

Church or venue charges (if you decide not to use the facilities available at the funeral home)

Flowers

Officiating clergy honorarium

Specialty music (should you decide to bring in a musician who requires payment)

Obituary/Death notice in a newspaper or online

Police escort to gravesite

Cemetery charges (the cost of a plot or niche and the opening/closing of the grave)

Grave marker charge

Reception venue

Catering

Clean-up services

Copies of the death certificate

As you can see, the answer to the question “What is the average cost of a funeral?” is difficult to pin down. In the end, the total cost will depend on many factors, including which funeral home you choose, where you live, how elaborate or simple you want the service to be, etc.

Once you have an accurate cost estimate, your next step is to consider how you want to pay for the funeral. Paying in advance can often lock in the funeral costs at today’s prices. This will help your family to save money in the long run.

]]>Quick Start Resource Guide: Planning a Funeralhttps://www.funeralbasics.org/quick-start-resource-guide-planning-funeral/
Thu, 04 Jan 2018 16:00:09 +0000https://www.funeralbasics.org/?p=3658First of all, if you have recently lost a loved one, you have our sincerest sympathies. If your loved one completed funeral prearrangement plans, contact the funeral home they partnered...

]]>First of all, if you have recently lost a loved one, you have our sincerest sympathies. If your loved one completed funeral prearrangement plans, contact the funeral home they partnered with to compile the prearrangements. You will work with that funeral home to bring your lost loved one’s wishes to pass.

But, for those whose lost loved one did not complete funeral prearrangements OR those who are looking to complete their own funeral prearrangement plans, this Quick Start Resource Guide is meant to help you navigate through the process of planning a funeral by supplying you with accurate, up-to-date, helpful links and information on a variety of topics.

The “Why” of Funerals

To start off, it’s important to note that, in today’s world, many families are moving away from standard funerals for their lost loved ones. While it is not inherently bad that people are moving away from traditional options toward cremation, it is unfortunate that some are confusing efficiency with effectiveness. Dr. Alan Wolfelt, a nationally-renowned grief expert who has counseled thousands of families, teaches that the funeral is an important rite of passage and “puts you on the path to good grief and healthy mourning.” To learn more about why funerals are important, take a look at the articles below.

Final Disposition Options

Nowadays, our options for final disposition (or final resting place) continue to expand. Please take a moment to read the articles below to help you decide which option is most appropriate for your needs.

The Elements of a Meaningful Funeral Service

“People who take the time and make the effort to create meaningful funeral arrangements when someone loved dies often end up making new arrangements in their own lives. They remember and reconnect with what is most meaningful to them in life…strengthen bonds with family members and friends. They emerge changed, more authentic and purposeful. The best funerals remind us how we should live.” – Dr. Alan Wolfelt

In order for a funeral service to be a healing and meaningful experience, there are several tried and true elements that you should consider incorporating.

Music

First of all, music sets the mood for a funeral and brings emotions to the forefront. In fact, one of the purposes of a funeral is to allow mourners to grieve together, and in many ways, music says what words cannot. Don’t be afraid to invite people to express grief. Consider using music that was significant to the lost loved one.

Readings

Second, readings add another facet to a meaningful funeral. They are another way to not only invite mourners to express their emotions, but readings can bring to life the unique spirit of the one who has died. Did they have a favorite book? Poem? Were they a person of faith who would want passages read?

Viewing/Visitation

Third, the viewing or visitation is a time for family, friends, coworkers and neighbors to gather and express support and sympathy. If it is decided to have a viewing, it is an opportunity for mourners to see this special person one last time and begin to acknowledge the reality of the death. For many, as part of the grieving process, it is important to physically see the body, and the viewing offers this opportunity.

Eulogy/Remembrance

Fourth, the eulogy may be the single most important aspect of a funeral service. It is the time to acknowledge and affirm the significance of the life lived. With that in mind, take time to share treasured memories, quotes, or even the lost loved one’s favorite jokes. The eulogy, sometimes called the “remembrance” or the “homily,” can be delivered by a clergy person, a family member, or even by a series of people.

Symbols

Fifth, symbols, or symbolic acts, offer a focus point for the bereaved as well as a sense of comfort. Common symbols are a cross (or another appropriate religious symbol), flowers, and candles. For example, the act of lighting a candle, planting a memorial tree, and wearing dark clothing are all symbols we utilize.

Gathering

Sixth, the gathering is an opportunity for friends and family to come together after the funeral service to share stories and to support each other. For more benefits of a gathering, take a few moments to read the article below.

Actions

And finally, by inviting others into action at the funeral service, you engage mourners and invite them to put their grief into motion. Simply put, mourning is the outward expression of our inward grief, so to move others toward healing, it is important to invite them to act.

Choosing a Memorial Service

Some families decide that a memorial service is a more appropriate tribute for their lost loved one. In short, the main difference between a funeral service and a memorial service is the absence of the body. All the other elements of a meaningful and healing service can be incorporated into a memorial service.

Personalization is Key

Whether you have a funeral service or a memorial service, the event will be more meaningful if it is personalized. By personalizing the service, you honor the unique life of your lost loved one. Moreover, the possibilities for personalization are endless. For a few ideas, read the articles below.

Funeral Procession

Accompanying the body to its final resting place is a time-honored tradition. If your family chooses to continue the tradition, the procession is a way for others, even strangers, to acknowledge the value of life and show respect for the one who has died.

Deciding on a Grave Marker

Placing a marker of some kind on a final resting place is important. Not only does it identify the person laid to rest, but it also gives the living a place to go should they desire to visit or mourn the lost loved one.

Sympathy Gifts

In essence, sympathy gifts are a way for mourners to express their support and condolences to the family of the lost loved one. Flowers have historically been a popular sympathy gifts. However, in recent years, donations in memoriam to a favorite charity have risen in popularity.

Writing a Touching Obituary

One of the first things you will do after a loved one dies is write an obituary. You don’t have to be a great writer to beautifully express your love for someone you have lost. To that end, even as you include the expected details, consider how you might add little touches that reflect the individuality of the life lived.

Burial Benefits for Veterans

If your lost loved one is a veteran of the Armed Forces, he/she may be eligible for certain burial benefits through the Department of Veterans Affairs. Therefore, you might consider looking into these benefits to see if any of them are beneficial to you and your family.

]]>Getting Your Affairs in Orderhttps://www.funeralbasics.org/getting-affairs-order/
Thu, 21 Dec 2017 22:49:47 +0000https://www.funeralbasics.org/?p=3641Getting your documents organized can seem like a daunting task. Maybe you’ve considered organizing all the necessary documents and making all the right calls, but you just aren’t quite sure...

]]>Getting your documents organized can seem like a daunting task. Maybe you’ve considered organizing all the necessary documents and making all the right calls, but you just aren’t quite sure where to begin. Good news! Below, you will find a checklist of important documents to gather as well as guidance regarding what avenues to pursue while getting your affairs in order.

Gather All Your Important Documents

The information and documents listed below will apply to most families. However, there may be additional documents that are important to you and your family. Think through any additional documentation that would be helpful and include it. The list below is an excellent starting place and covers the vast majority of what you will need to include when you start getting your affairs in order.

Full legal name

Social Security number/card

Legal residence

Date and place of birth

Names and addresses of spouse and children

Location of birth and death certificates and certificates of marriage, divorce, citizenship, and adoption (whichever are applicable)

Employers and dates of employment

Education and military records

Names and phone numbers of religious contacts (if applicable)

Names and phone numbers of close friends, relatives, doctors, lawyers, and financial advisors

An important note on how to keep your documents safe, especially in the face of natural disasters:

There are fire and water secure cases available for purchase that would be ideal for protecting your important documents. Often, the cases are small enough to carry and have a locking mechanism. Of course, there are other ways to keep your documents safe, but the main idea here is to consider how you can keep your documents safe, secure, and accessible in case of emergency.

Estate Planning

Estate planning is about ensuring that your wishes are carried out regarding your estate. While most of us don’t have a literal estate with a grand manor and a stable full of horses, we do all have an “estate.” In legal terms, our estate consists of everything we own – car, home, other real estate, bank accounts, investment accounts, 401(k)s, insurance policies, furniture, personal possessions and even pets.

By determining what your wishes are, who will receive what and when, and who is responsible for carrying out your wishes, you participate in estate planning. If you are interested in estate planning, please review the questions below and determine if you have taken care of them fully.

Do you have a legal will?

In essence, writing a legal will is one of the best things you can do for your family. To reduce the risk of misunderstandings, heartache, and the possible headache of taking your estate through probate court, it’s best if you clearly outline who gets what and when. In fact, state law determines the distribution of a person’s property and assets if there is no legal will. So, if you don’t have a legal will, would you like to consider writing one? If you would like to write one, first talk with an attorney or try out a web service that specializes in legal documents.

If you do have a legal will, have you appointed an executor? And does your chosen executor have access to and know where to find all of your important documents?

Above all, the executor of your will should be someone you trust. They will carry out the wishes outlined in your legal will to the letter.

Have you named your beneficiaries?

Beneficiaries are the people or organizations that will receive your assets and/or property after your death. In general, it is a good practice to double-check who your beneficiaries are on your legal will and on any life insurance policies you may have so that you may ensure that everything still reflects your wishes.

Do you want or need a trust?

If you are unfamiliar with trusts, they are similar to a will. Both a will and a trust are meant to spell out your wishes regarding your assets and property. The main difference between the two is that a will is effective only after you die and then must be probated (carried out) by the court system and your chosen executor. On the other hand, in the case of a trust, there is no need to go through the court system – your successor trustee (the executor, if you will) would carry out your wishes after your death as they are written in the trust.

Additionally, with a trust, your successor trustee can manage your financial, healthcare, or legal affairs if you become incapacitated. Talk with an estate planner to see if this option is right for you. Typically, a trust is helpful if you have a large number of assets and property.

Have you considered your digital estate?

If you have used an email account, a networking website, or bought items online, you have a digital estate. It’s just as important to determine the future of your digital estate as your physical estate. For suggestions on how to manage your digital estate, please click here.

Do you have any dependents (including pets)? Have you made your wishes clear regarding their well-being?

Most people know that they should indicate who will care for their dependents once they are gone. However, pets are also an important part of the family, and while we love them dearly, sometimes we overlook them in the estate planning process. To that end, make sure to include any veterinary documentation in your important paperwork and outline who should take over the care of your beloved animals.

Funeral Planning

No matter your level of interest, funeral planning needs to be on your list of things to do as you get your affairs in order. For additional information, click on the links below:

Advance Care Directive (also known as Advance Healthcare Directive)

In short, an advance care directive (ACD) ensures that, if you become incapacitated, your medical wishes are fulfilled. Two documents, the living will and the healthcare power of attorney, make up an ACD. It is important to sit down with those closest to you and decide what your wishes are regarding medical care. Not to mention, the decisions you make today will help your loved ones in the future. For more information regarding preparation of your advance care directives, click here.

Keep It Current

It’s very important to remember to keep your information current, most especially regarding your legal documents and beneficiary information. Wherever you keep this information, you will also need to update your tax return yearly. Make sure to appoint a new executor if the one you have currently chosen moves away or is unable to fulfill his or her duties. If you move, make sure to update your current address on all your documents, policies, accounts, and assets. At the beginning, it’s quite an undertaking to gather all the information. But, once it’s together, updating is simple.

Also, you might consider holding an annual or biannual family meeting to go over your wishes and your estate. For some families, this may not be pleasant or even possible. But if you can schedule family meetings, it’s an excellent time to let everyone know how your assets are going to be distributed. This will give you the opportunity to answer their questions, set their expectations, and hopefully, prevent any family disagreements over your final wishes.

]]>12 Tips for Loving the Grieving During the Christmas Seasonhttps://www.funeralbasics.org/12-tips-loving-grieving-christmas-season/
Mon, 11 Dec 2017 20:33:22 +0000https://www.funeralbasics.org/?p=3613It’s Christmas time. Twinkling lights are going up, parties are being planned, and cookies and treats galore are baking in ovens across the nation. But even as happy tidings are...

It’s Christmas time. Twinkling lights are going up, parties are being planned, and cookies and treats galore are baking in ovens across the nation. But even as happy tidings are shared between neighbors, we can’t forget that many of our neighbors, friends, and family members are hurting deeply. Grief is not relegated to certain parts of the year. But how can we be sensitive to the emotional needs of those around us who are hurting during this festive time?

As nationally renowned grief expert, author, and counselor, Dr. Alan Wolfelt, puts it, “…it is important to recognize that helping a grieving friend will not be an easy task. You may have to give more concern, time and love than you ever knew you had. But this effort will be more than worth it. By ‘walking with’ your friend in grief, you are giving one of life’s most precious gifts – yourself.”

Consider these 12 tips for how to interact with your grieving friends or loved ones this Christmas.

1. Recognize and accept that your loved one is hurting, and they are going to experience grief during the holiday season.

We may want our grieving loved one to “enjoy” the holiday season, but we need to make sure that we aren’t pushing too hard. What you consider enjoyment and what your grieving friend considers enjoyment will look completely different. They are going to experience a myriad of emotions throughout the holidays. Let them experience these emotions, and be a safe person to talk to about them. Above all, don’t try to avoid people who are grieving. They are already hurting; let’s not add our own discomfort to the load they are carrying.

2. Encourage your grieving loved one to set healthy boundaries, and be prepared to support and abide by those boundaries.

The person who is grieving will have limited energy, so it’s important that they figure out what will work for them during this busy season. No, they shouldn’t entirely shut out all things Christmas, but they should limit what they do, depending on their needs. If you are close to someone who is grieving, encourage them to set boundaries, and then, be prepared to support those boundaries, abide by them, and if necessary, help your grieving loved one fight to keep them.

3. Give your grieving loved one plenty of notice about an event or gathering.

More often than not, someone who is grieving needs time to work up the energy to go out to an event or gathering. Make sure you them give plenty of notice so they can mentally and emotionally prepare. Also remember! You are encouraging them to put down healthy boundaries for the holidays. Don’t be offended or hurt if they decide not to come to your party.

4. Look for ways to honor the memory of a lost loved one.

You can do any number of truly special and unique things to honor a lost loved one. Buy or make a special gift. Sit down with your grieving friend and share memories or stories of the lost loved one. Join your grieving friend for a special trip to the gravesite. Donate to the lost loved one’s favorite charity. Find out if a local funeral home or church is facilitating a remembrance service and invite your grieving loved one.

5. Don’t force your grieving loved one into all the old traditions. Come up with a new tradition together.

Depending on who has died, the old traditions may be too painful. If it’s appropriate, sit down with your grieving loved one and talk about which traditions to keep this year and which ones to put aside. You might consider coming up with a brand-new tradition that will breathe some fresh air into the season.

6. Invite your grieving loved one to take part in a Christmas service project.

When we grieve, we can sometimes become so focused on the strong emotions we are feeling that we forget to come up for air. It’s a good practice to focus on others so that we can let our minds rest from the grief for a while. Invite your grieving friend to volunteer at a soup kitchen, to make blankets for the homeless, or to participate in another opportunity available through the church or community.

7. Be ready to help when your loved one needs it. Make room for them and ensure that they don’t feel like an inconvenience.

When someone is grieving, they often want to be alone and not be an inconvenience to those around them. Make sure that your grieving loved one knows that you have time for them and want them to be a part of your Christmas season. Practically speaking, be available, be inclusive, and be ready to offer help and support.

8. Encourage your loved one to take care of themselves.

In times of grief, people often feel overwhelmed, tired, and emotionally spent, and because of this, it’s important to take care of ourselves even while we grieve. Invite your grieving friend for a walk. Ask your grieving mother if she’d like a cup of hot cocoa or tea. If you have a grieving friend or family member visiting you for the holidays, turn down the covers of the guest bed, and let them know it’s ready if they’d like to take a nap. If you know their favorite foods, prepare something just for them and take it to their home, staying for a short visit. Show them that it’s okay to enjoy the simple pleasures even if their loved one is gone.

It’s important that we allow people to grieve at their own pace and to be mindful of the words we say. Make sure that you don’t make assumptions about their grief. Try not to make comparisons to how you have mourned a loss in the past. Make sure to give them choices – if you force them into something, it likely won’t end well. More than anything, they need you to listen, to be present, and in many cases, to be silent.

10. Look for practical ways to offer help.

The holidays often mean lots of planning and preparation. For someone who is grieving, the things that once brought great joy may now feel pointless or like they are too much work. So, look for ways that you can help. Offer to help put up the Christmas tree or wrap presents. Ask them if they’d like to come to your home for a baking extravaganza (or perhaps they’d rather you come to theirs). If they need to shop for gifts, offer to go with them, or if they have a list, to pick up what they need. You may have some other great ideas for personal and meaningful ways to practically help your grieving loved one.

11. Send a thoughtful holiday card.

For many, Christmas time means sending cards with holiday cheer to friends and family. Though the practice has dwindled somewhat in recent years, it’s a valuable way to tangibly show that you care about someone and are thinking of them. Consider putting some extra time and thought into what you might say in a meaningful card, words that will comfort and bring hope.

12. Follow up after the holidays to see how they are doing.

We aren’t always the best about following through on things, but in this case, let’s try to put extra effort in. It’s important for a grieving person to know that your love and concern aren’t just temporary but are true and sincere. Make sure to reach out and offer your support all through the year.