I miss the raw emotional posts that only you could pen....you had a way with words that made it art to a point.

I miss the truths that you had...intrinsic truths that you shared...moments of clarity that you gained.

I know why you left....but i wish you would return if only to post the wonderful pictures!!!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------BH: 34Me: 27DDay: Oct 2008DSS: 14DS: 14mR'ing...its going great. Will probably always have our triggers, but he is starting to trust again...what a wonderful gift i have been given!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Well since you don't care then maybe you'd like to join him?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Whether we remain ash or become phoenix is up to us.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~“You may write me down in historyWith your bitter, twisted lies,You may trod me in the very dirtBut still, like dust, I'll rise.” Maya Angelou

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Defiance dated and bedded several women from the site. He's the sole reason we had to implement the No Dating guideline in the first place. Because of his inappropriate bahavior here, we actually had to rename and re-invent the Dating forum to NB.We (MH and I)were personally harassed by one of the women he bedded. She contacted the BBB, the IRS, sent cards with hidden threats to our house (she found us through WhoIs and SI at that time was listed under our home address) and she harassed us so heavily with the IRS, the IRS ruled in our favor that it was a Harassment Campaign.

All the lies he's told on this site and all the drama he's put us through was more than anyone here should have to tolerate. And we didn't.

He made all sorts of promises to her the weekend that they got it on in a hotel. He used her. She got mad and went on the warpath to make him pay.

She felt we were responsible for the whole thing when she didn't get what she wanted from Defiance...that's why she started to come after us. For 3 years she was a steady thorn in our sides.

The banning was mainly for him posting about sleeping with yet another member from here...plus his lying to us.

You miss him...I'm sure you can find him out on the internet...still seeking validation from strangers.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------MangledHeart the good guy.D-day: April 5th, 2000Reconciliation going beautifully!

"I'm happily indifferent to the ones who have consistently been wrong" ~kd lang~

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------I can understand missing the things a lot of people enjoyed about him here on the site.But when the mods ban someone, there is always a really good reason behind it. They do a great job of keeping this a safe site - I've had first hand knowledge of them helping with this sort of protection (fortunately, only once, and it was really minor!)

I never knew all the goings-on with Defiance until DS posted this just now... but honestly.... it really wasn't anyone else's business. The times I've seen warnings about site members hooking up with other site members and there being problems over that, I was kind of surprised, because I'd completely missed the threads where that was going on, I guess. Or I'm really, really oblivious. Or both.

Sometimes a whole lot goes on behind the scenes that not everyone sees.

And sometimes, no matter how much we get to like a "person" on here, we have to remember that the person we've gotten to know is still only the words they've chosen to share with us, the character they've chosen to portray on here. While I do think most people are real and honest on here, that may not always be true.

And if the mods have to respond to that, we need to respect that and not make their jobs harder.

----

And besides all that, the one thing I always say about any site like this.... we are only here because the site's owners let us be here. If they decide one day they don't like the fact that I type ... in a lot of my messages and tell me I'm gone, well.... it's not my board, it's theirs. And I wouldn't argue with them about it, or expect anyone else to argue with them about it for me either.

I have my own web site, and I can put whatever I want on it. If I want to be here, I respect the rules of this site.

I don't usually do the "defend the mods" thing - I figure you all are pretty good at taking care of that yourself. But on this one, I just didn't really see the need for you to have to explain a whole lot of stuff that was really no one else's business. I would think that people would understand by now that when something like this happens, there are good reasons behind it.

And that people aren't always whom they appear to be... after all, isn't that a large part of why we all ended up here in the first place?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------And with a broken wing she still sings, she keeps an eye on the sky. With a broken wing she carries her dreams. Man you ought to see her fly!! - Martina Mcbride

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Time is a train, the future, the past, you're standing in the station, your face pressed up against the glass. "ZooStation" U2DDay? DWeek is more like it!02-16-09 to 02-20-09

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Count me as one of the clueless. I guess that's why my XSO was so successful at fooling me for so many years. I used to have a tendency to think the best of people and never *saw* things that were happening right under my nose.DS, thanks for sharing this information. I'm sure this whole series of events must've been a nightmare for you and MH. It seems as though you were left with no other choice than the one you were forced to take.

IRS investigation? Now that's just downright nasty and scary! I'm glad things worked out in your favor. Whew!

It's sad things had to work out this way but sometimes folks are their own worst enemy.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Wow, sounds like Defiance could make an eclair outta a turd....and you were waiting with a napkin to wipe your mouth after chowin' down on that load of bullshit....

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Wow...Someone posted something positive about D... and DS felt the need to use this public forum as a weapon to trash the man.

NO ONE had any right to that information DS. No one was owed an explanation. The only reason for putting it out there was to validate yourself.

Even if everything you revealed was true... especially if everything you revealed about D was true... your decision to air it on this forum was a tremendous misuse of your power.

I know you're only human... and everyone fucks up. Please stay true to your intention to keep this site safe for everyone by not using it as a forum for your own agenda.

[This message edited by Danu at 11:26 PM, October 22nd (Friday)]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------"... your soulmate is the person that pushes your buttons, pisses you off on a regular basis, and makes you face your shit" Madonna

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------LTA BSYour peace will come when you no longer hang your worth or wholeness in how well or how much you can hang onto something that may not be worth hanging onto.~uuThe best protection a woman can have is courage.~Elizabeth Cady Stanton

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------I am completely blown away at the amount of disrespect being shown on this thread for the very people that have come to our aide at a time when all of us have been at our lowest. Everyone has a right to free speech, but this is not a public owned message board. This board is owned and paid for by DS and MH. If you have a problem with a mod, it is disrespectful to them and to all of us that are here (either helping or hurting) to play it out on the boards.Show some respect. For yourself and others. Geez.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Breathe. Just breathe.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------I agree. It's her site...if it was bad enough for her to say it...imagine how bad it must be IRL.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------LTA BSYour peace will come when you no longer hang your worth or wholeness in how well or how much you can hang onto something that may not be worth hanging onto.~uuThe best protection a woman can have is courage.~Elizabeth Cady Stanton

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Hmm.. how to word this and not have to ban myself? What a pickle Danu,Why don't you tell us how you would have handled this situation? Clearly you've got it all figured out. So please, enlighten me..The previous member in question is perfectly capable of spreading his vitrol all over the internet. And whatever version will suit him and the current audience I might add..But how dare DS give even a smidgen of the truth of the matter.Tell you what, next time you go to bat for someone, defend them, hire a lawyer to protect your website and deal with harassment for years, only to find out that it was all based on lies from the very member you tried to protect let me know how it feels.I imagine it feels a little like a betrayal.But how dare she use her own website to tell her side of the story.Facebook is that way Danu.. I am sure you'll find some kindred souls with whom to share your tales of abuse.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Dear Mods,Thank you for this siteThank you for taking care of all of usThank you for all your work, courage and patienceI respect and value your decisions!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------The truth shall set you free! He refused to tell the truth - I set his ass free.*****I want to be in an honest and open relationship. If you cannot respect me or my needs then I will evaluate my desire to stay in this realtionship - Byron Katie

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------I for one appreciate DS & MH sharing the facts of what happened AND their "agenda" of protecting US, protecting themselves as they sadly were apparently forced to do, and thus being able to continue via this site, THIER site, to save SOOOOO many people, marriages, sanity and empower so many of us.They deserve to be awarded.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------BSO(me): 51! OMG!♥ Fur-kids: 4 Cats, 1 dog ♥We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.— Joseph Campbell

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Does it bother anyone else that it seems like Defiance was using the site the same way a predator does?Finding a hurt person, making them feel good about themselves and taking advantage of them...

With all of the sharing of private thoughts and feelings, knowing that the mods and admins protect members from that type of behavior is a comfort.

They protected him and he used them badly. Now they are protecting other vulnerable people.

IMO: It is okay to miss a poster. It is not okay to bait the mods and admin by basically calling them out in a "public" display.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Sam from Icarly,"Did you eat a big bowl of Crazy-flakes for breakfast?"Me-FWW. BH-wincing_at_lightD-Day Sept 2006

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Geeze Danu...seems like you're taking his banning rather personal. Hmm....care to share more?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.When another woman takes your husband, sometimes the best thing you can do for yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless bum.OC born 2001 (I didn't know)Divorced 2003Remarried 2008 HAPPY!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------I too miss his photos, I miss the man he portrayed himself to be.In a way I feel betrayed again but on a lesser scale of course.

As a long term member of this amazing site I am often aware of undercurrents however am usually oblivious to what really goes on. I want to thank you DS for telling it like it is.

You protected and defended D when you thought he needed it just as you protect us all. You also protected us by calling him on his lies.

There have been times when you DS and MH have shared a little of the "behind the scenes" angst that happens on this site and I thank you for that too. The small window you sometimes open to show us a little of what you have to deal with helps to keep us all real about what goes on here.

This site is full of love, compassion and calling people on their shit. I for one hope that never changes.

tts

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Good Women.May we know them,May we be them,May we raise them.

User Topic: I may get in trouble for this but i dont care!trustagainMemberMember # 16921 Posted: 7:17 AM, October 23rd (Saturday), 2010

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------I appreciate everything about this site. All the work the Admins, Mods, etc. do to keep this site running. If someone breaks the rules then consequences follow. Isn't that what we all speak of on a daily basis?Love to all!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Especially miss his dinner photos, though it has been a while.I was not yet aware that he was gone, and apparently not of his own accord. It is unfortunate that these things had to be said after he was gone, and would like to hear his side of it (Actually I would prefer to have heard none of it). This is an emotional site, even for those who have recovered. The post itself was innocent enough, though the title was provocative, and I have seen enough bannings that people will not leave alone until they hear a story behind it to know there was little choice.

There are many members who have left in my time here, some of their own accord because it did not suit them, some because they had moved on to where it no longer served their purposes, and some who were asked to leave for the disruptions they were causing. It is okay to miss someone, their many good qualities, think of them fondly, and wish them well when they are banned. Out of respect for their many good qualities,if people are asked to leave, please do not post asking that their dirty laundry be aired publicly. One day I may snap, and not be allowed to return, and I would hope that those who remember me remember the good, and let whatever wrongs I have commited be laid to rest.

Farewell D. May you find hapiness in your future that makes up for the pain you have suffered.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------That which does not kill us makes us stronger... or causes repetitive strain injury.I gots special gold wings, but the link broke. http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=303448&AP=21

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------aesir that was a really good post. I'm not here often enough to know the details about all the members but I agree every person should b treated with some respect whether they are here or not.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Here's the thing... I'm one of the clueless ones on this board. I'm not batting for anyone, not judging, not taking sides because I have no freakin' clue about either party's "truth"... nor do I care.The mods make the rules. This is their domain and if we want to be a part of this community we have to follow those rules.A member broke the rules.The member got banned.AS IT SHOULD BE!

The mods exercised theirpower by enforcing their rules... that should be satisfying enough for them... but the fact that DS had to spill the vitriol all over this board... all over us clueless ones... the fact that she did this after someone posted about a positive aspect of the banned member DOES speak of her need for validation.

Why? I have no clue, but NO ONE reacts so violently and visciously unless they feel very threatened and have a personal stake in the matter.

Clearly D holds a lot of power in her mind, since the very mention of something positive about him provoked a full scale public annhilation of him.

I'm calling out DS on some really bad behavior that has a negative impact on this board. Period.

The member who originally posted the thread should've been addressed and corrected in a PM... by dragging this all into the community, DS has done nothing but reinforced a presence that she was trying to banish.

It wouldn't matter who was involved, or what the details were. It would make no difference if this happened on a support board on the internet, in my workplace, or in my home... I'd speak out on the impropriety of it irregardless.

It's simply not right for someone in a position of power to use that power to meet their own agenda.

Yes, this is DS's website... and I'm as grateful for it as anyone... but it wouldn't exist without the community. When I see something that threatens the community, I should be able to say something about it, shouldn't I?

Or will I be silenced, banished, then publicly derided?

DS put this out for public consumption... if dissenting opinions are not allowed, then this site isn't what it potrays itself to be.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------"... your soulmate is the person that pushes your buttons, pisses you off on a regular basis, and makes you face your shit" Madonna

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------I, too, was a bit shocked to find that D had been banned BUT as for the "attacks" on DS...From the details she gave, it's understandable why it happened and if she seemed to come across as a little vitriolic in the presentation of those facts, I think that is also understandable. Her and MHs life's work came under attack by someone who had been used by a former member. Kind of hard NOT to be a little vitriolic and defensive.

I think we all can agree that what she and MH have done and are doing is commendable and selfless and has helped literally thousands of people work through this mess we all found ourselves in regardless of what side we came from.

And it hurts to have that work used for selfish reasons as D seems to have done. That hurt, I believe, came through in the presentation of the facts by DS. She's angry at this betrayal just as any BS would be at the discovery. And remember, it wasn't just the site that came under attack, it was the two of them personally. The Admin and mods deal with crap on a daily basis and the results of Defiance's actions probably pushed DS just a smidge too far and she broke... just a little. But in no way should that negate any or all of what she and the mods have done over the years.

Just my two cents.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------BS (Cee64D) 45WS (Me) 45Don't look at how far you have to go, look at how far you've come.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------I don't see why DS is prevented from expressing her experience with a member. I lurk a lot and still missed most of the backstory. I'm actually glad to know that there are opportunists and to be wary -- yet another example of "be careful of believing what you see".

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------DS,Thank you for sharing the backstory. It explains a lot. I've been here since 2006 and, for a short while, was sucked into the Definace Drama. I wanted to help him but I quickly saw through his rants and his wallowings. There was no helping him.I watched with increasing horror as he would go just to the edge of flaming, and then post a gushing apology ... just enough to keep him around ... just this side of banning. Imagine DS's position in all of this. Imagine her having to post - again and again - warnings about the consequences ... the personal consequences to her and MH ... about members hooking up ... all the while with him around posting about his failed love life.

Danu, has it occured to you that DS's posting the truth may serve the purpose of further protecting her members. We need to be aware of this kind of behavior. If she saves one hurting, vulnerable member from seeking out and comforting, and possibly being hurt by a banned member, then I'd say she is performing a service that is above and beyond the original mission of this site.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Could not agree more, Wolf.Many of us were sick of the attention-seeking antics and were aware of his behavior and hypocrisy.

Frankly, I think DS did a good thing by posting the real story. The fact that this type of behavior exists on this site and is dealt with by the mods on a daily basis, is something we all should open our eyes to.

[This message edited by Hope24 at 10:47 AM, October 23rd (Saturday)]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------In the depths of winter, I discovered in me an invincible summer.~Camus

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------DS and the mods keep us out of the drama, for the most part.We aren't aware of all that goes on behind the scenes. I can only assume way more goes on than any of us are aware.I suspect there is plenty more going on now about this situation in the form of PMs to mods and etc that we aren't aware of.I think DS needed to set the record straight.

It's not like DS to talk about a member this way. If she felt the need to do it this time, well there is probably way more going on than any of us are aware of.

Thanks for this site MH and DS. I'm sure it often brings you insight, laughs, tears, and head shaking.

I'm sure there are other times that it makes you angry, sad, and . I can only hope the good outweighs the bad.

[This message edited by travels at 10:47 AM, October 23rd (Saturday)]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------When one door closes, another door opens. It's the journey through the hallway that sucks.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------I hate drama. I hate conflict. But I have an opinion and will try to respectfully express it. Respectful discussion of dissenting opinions is an opportunity for growth. Being challenged without being attacked is how we evolve. Growth occurs if we self examine our opinions with an open mind which doesn't happen when attacked because being defensive only solidifies a position.I am not defending anyone, as I am convinced that it is not necessary. The mods have proven time and again they are fully capable of defending themselves and others. I have never seen an act of attack or disrespect by the mods. I think the explanation given by DS was factual and to the point. There was no attack. It doesn't even read as a defense of actions taken. Just the facts ma'am.

Given my history, information is always welcome. I hate lies and omissions and I welcome having the light shined on behaviors that could negatively impact me or people I care about. I can deal with a painful truth and make the best decision for myself based on truth, not fantasy or idealism.

I cannot imagine running a site like this, full of hurting betrayed people who have NEED all over the place. The psychological drain alone, not to mention the time. I imagine the creation of this site and the continued management of it to be akin to raising and caring for a child. But I don't see Mama Bear behavior in defense of this site or the decisions made by mods. Just facts.

How many cheaters call having their truth shared an "attack?" (for sure mine does.) It is not an attack or vitriolic to share truth. Truth is not always kind or pretty. But there is no harm in truth. The action behind an ugly truth is the attack. I am reminded of the knee jerk reaction of blaming the messenger. How many of us don't share ugly truths because we don't want the fallout from being the bearer of bad news? I do not thank anyone who knew secrets and didn't tell me. I don't feel "protected" by those people. I feel betrayed by them. I don't need to know everything that happens behind the scenes. But every time I stumble across a topic that shows the work of the mods and the sacrifice at great personal cost, I am grateful for the opportunity to post here.

I don't like feeling betrayed. I don't like predatory behavior. I don't like anyone who takes and takes and takes advantage. I don't like excuses for bad behavior or justification for bad behavior. I know that this is based on my personal experiences. I am comfortable with that about myself. I welcome truth. I applaud the courage to share truth. I applaud and appreciate everyone who is willing to speak up, knowing that standing up is standing out.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------ds told the truth about the situation. she didn't have to share that with any of us, but did, and I for one and grateful.count me as among the "clueless" in this situation. but like anything (can't we all relate to this in some way??), once you know the truth, you can look back and see with a new, clearer, perspective and things start to make sense.

considering that for 3 years ds, mh and mods have been dealing with this off the boards, AND that they were sticking up for him, then to find out that they were defending him based on lies? again, can't we all relate to this in our own way?? hell, banning seems a small consequence.

then add on top the legal dealings??

ds didn't have to tell anyone about this. and to see it as some type of validation seeking is absurd. this whole thing was a potential threat to them personally and this site. in telling the truth to the people here maybe it will open some eyes and make people realize what ds and mh deal with on a daily basis....and still try to nurture and protect us and this site, even when some, through their own agenda, give them no reason to do so.

we talk about consequences here a lot. also about telling the truth. here is an example of both.

I for one don't particularly need to know what goes on behind the scenes here. it's enough to know that they deal with crap all the time, details are not important to me. but when someone has put this site in jeopardy, I'm glad that they have the cajones to call them on it...privately or on the boards. cause this is just as much MY site as it is anyones here. I'll protect it and defend it as much as I'm able. I can only imagine the protectiveness ds and mh must feel.

plus, if anyone doesn't like it, or how things are dealt with....I don't believe there's some magical force that automatically takes your computer to the sign in page...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------What Wolf said.And if anyone wants to look at his pictures you can go to his website.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------DDay: June 15, 2008Married 22 years20 years of OWs. WTF?? (!)D pending. Starting over at 56.Everyone please read: 'THE POWER OF NOW'!"The happiest of all lives is a busy solitude." ~ VoltaireDon't look back.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Please, put down your dukes. There is no reason to fight.First, I think mybrokenroad has a right to say she misses D. Its her opinion. Its how she felt. The following comment was a little harsh.

Second, though the reason he was banned may not be our business its probably best we know. Why? So we a)will not follow in those footsteps b) realise how lucky we are that DS and MH stood the storm to keep this site up for all of us who desperately need this place.

I had no clue what had gone on. I didnt know D was banned until I just happen to hear about it. But you know what? That "troll" thing now makes sense. NOW I know who it is.

Something else...the situation with D and the other woman (formerly a member) strikes me strongly of a ws and bunny boiler situation. It also put other people in jeapardy (DS MH and us, too).

This situation is what it is and whatever your stance, it must be respected. Its also time to move on and not fight over it.

I think mybrokenroad has a right to say she misses D.Maybe. I guess. But why stir the shit pot? There was enough drama in his exit thread. Why not PM a Mod to ask about it? Why bring it out in open forum and get everyone all riled up? What purpose would that serve? It won't bring back the things you miss if you are missing things.

And why say something stupid like:

I may get in trouble for this but i dont care!That is just disrespectful. Apparently she didn't care so no need for sympathy. I don't care means I don't care.

You are right sully. There is no need to fight over this because it isn't worth the time when there are hurting newbies pouring into JFO.

I for one don't want to waste anymore time on the ongoing drama of a banned member. I thought we were done with that.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Well said sully.mybrokenroad stated that she missed a member who has been banned. Fair enough but why didn't she simply state that? Why did she have to say she didn't care if she got into trouble for making her statement? I think that was unnecessary and the reason kdny came back with a harsh comment. The comment was made from a protective (and knowledgeable) stance - harsh possibly but completely justified and understandable in the circumstances.

I don't understand why mybrokenroad states that she knew the reason for his leaving (the ban) but nonetheless wishes he would return simply to post pics?? This is not a bird appreciation society, it is a site for the support of extremely vulnerable and deeply hurting people.

Those who misuse or abuse the site have no place here. End of story.

I think DS was totally justified in making the members aware of the circumstances of the ban (because she decided it was best to, following the first post). That way no-one will question the decision (and no-one should). These mods know what they are doing and why. They have proved that time and time again.

Danu, I think DS made her comments because she WAS threatened and she DOES have a personal stake in this. We were ALL threatened by Defiance's actions and the consequences and ALL have a personal stake in this. Why call her out for publicly stating the truth when it was required? Her comments were neither vicious nor violent IMHO. This was not a reaction. I think it was a well thought through and much needed response. It sets the record straight.

I think the member who started the thread had a right to state her feelings but NOT that she didn't care if she got into trouble. It was that comment that started the ball rolling and has given it arms and legs!!!

I think kdny's response was harsh but justified in the circumstances.

I admire DS for making the truth available to us.

I appreciate SI and the GENUINE people who use and maintain this resource.

I hope Defiance finds peace and happiness somewhere but elsewhere.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Me - 52 and doing fine.Him - nonentity, hitting 60 and still in lalaland. Together 10 years.Just remember this my friend, when you look up in the sky, you can see the stars but still not see the light. Eagles

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------My post was very cynical and I apologize if it was taken the wrong way. I meant that that mybrokenroad was being very deceptive in their post. You should never encourage the acts of a person who uses people or a site for their own needs. A person who has damaged others, whether its the moderators or members should never be seen in a positive light.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------For what it is worth...THANK YOU to everyone responsible for the development of this site and the Mods for monitoring this site to make sure rules are followed--that is not an easy job. I'm sure you have to deal with much more "stuff" than I will ever know. But do know this...your hard work is truly appreciated.Keep up the excellent site!!

User Topic: I may get in trouble for this but i dont care!sad12008MemberMember # 18179 Posted: 3:46 PM, October 23rd (Saturday), 2010

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------First, thanks DS & MH for keeping the site and your motivation going. I'm sure there's been plenty of behind the scenes drama played out over the years. With so many members, how could there not? Didn't know there was THAT much drama though....sheesh!I for one am glad to hear what became of D....as I would be to hear what happened to any member who I've "seen" fairly regularly over these years. You can't help but wonder what the heck became of someone...did they die? Are they in a severe depression? Are they really sick? etc. A "so-and-so will no longer be on SI" would meet my need for a complete Gestalt. Particularly if one isn't eat-sleep-and-breathing SI 24/7, you wonder if you missed the thread where ( ).

I'm saddened when people make bad choices. No one's 100% good nor 100% bad, for the most part; I think it's natural to miss the good when someone's gone, particularly if they concealed their bad well.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Everybody's life is hard. You look at life, and it's not a cakewalk. You've got to be able to bounce back. --Neil YoungThe world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are strong at the broken places.--Ernest Hemingway

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Wow. Just wow.I find it extremely creepy that a member supposedly trying to heal would use this site to prey on women. I guess I shouldn't be surprised, though, but I am.

The threads of his I read were wrought with emotion and oh-so engaging. I never saw through it until the end. Again, c-r-e-e-p-y.

I come here to be safe. I count on the mods to help with that. This is an anonymous site, so comments made by the mods that explain "Defiance-Gate" are perfectly within the realm of legality and morality. I find it comforting to know the reasons, as it makes me feel safer.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Me-38 WW Him-41 BHM 9 years (together 14). In R.DDay#1 11/2008 (PA/EA 9/08-11/08)DDay#2 8/2009 (revealed 1 month PA from fall 2001)"I will wait for you...as long as I need to.If you ever get back to Hackensack,I'll be there for you!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------I too appreciate DS and MH and all the mods who deal with drama day in and day out to protect this site.As far as DS needing validation..... ......Oh. My. God.

I've been here a LOT of years and for many years a member might be banned and no-one ever knew. Or if they did know they'd been banned, they didn't know why.

If I remember correctly, a while back when another very active member was banned, DS and MH decided that it was time to start posting the antics of these people and the truth behind their being banned. I applaud that decision. Those people can go elsewhere on the web and spill their filth and lies about this place.

It is only right that DS and MH use THEIR site to state the truth. It is only right that DS and MH inforce guidelines to keep THEIR site a safe place for so many hurting souls.

And then to accuse them of misusing their power!?! How absolutely ludicrous!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Danu and others,Has it been considered that DS's post is a REACTION to continued attacks on her and this site??I've been here a LONG time and I can tell you that it takes A LOT to get banned. And a person (fraud) (troll) (creep) or whatever is given warnings and usually second chances.

But we are on the INTERNET. We simply don't know what's sitting on the other end of the screen. We'd like to think that the "person" we are talking to has the best of intentions, but that simply is not always true.

The people here (for the most part) are raw with pain and are prime targets for predators. (I'm not speaking specifically about D) But a predator type person who is seeking sympathy and self validation could easily suck in a weak and hurting, insecure BS.

The LAST thinkg we need here is anyone like that. We've all had enough lies and betrayals in our lives

I cannot imagine trying to weed through the almost 30,000 some odd members here to make sure we are all as safe as one can reasonably be ON THE INTERNET.

But if this site and DS and MH are attacked like they have been on and OFF this site, I believe they have the RIGHT to defend themselves, THEIR site and at least tell their side of things.

JMHO

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.When another woman takes your husband, sometimes the best thing you can do for yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless bum.OC born 2001 (I didn't know)Divorced 2003Remarried 2008 HAPPY!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------I guess I belong in the "clueless" club too. Wow!It's good to know though, and I thank DS for sharing. I saw the thread a while back about dating, and I had wondered what was up but didn't dare ask.

Like sully said, having the information now is a good reminder that some of us can fall victim to predators at a time when we are most vulnerable- even here in a place of healing.

THANK YOU TO DS & MH for making this site possible. Your hard work in keeping this place available played a huge role in saving my M, and I can't tell you how grateful I am for that.

(((many, many hugs)))

I'm sad to know that someone took advantage of your kindness and good intentions.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------I was relieved to find out WTH was going on with the whole Defiance thing and his getting banned.Finding out that someone we all "knew" here on SI was actually preying on BSs who were struggling with crushed self-esteem and pain from their spouse's A was a real eye-opener for me.

I think it serves as a cautionary tale - specifically for all of us to be careful not to be "played" by potential predators, even here on SI.

And THANKS to the mods for taking care of this situation. And finding out how badly they were harrassed off-site was absolutely shocking.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------DS, MH and Mods... Thank you again for protecting us.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Me: BSO - 42Him: FWSO - 65One Child (mine):DS - 9D-Day - 12-11-09,R - I think so?True love is an acceptance of all that is, has been, will be, and will not be.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------To those who think DS went too far, you obviously missed the posts that got Defiance in trouble. DS didNOT air anything that was not posted in the thread that got him banned. You should be very careful before calling out someone. Know the facts; don't just react.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------To the Mods:Thank you for making this place safe for everyone. SI has been a lifeline and lifesaver for me in my darkest times...

You did the right thing by getting rid of someone who was a user and abuser on this site--seriously, when I read this about him, it reminded me of my STBXH and how he would "charm" and worm his way into OW's beds.....just yuck.

the fact that she did this after someone posted about a positive aspect of the banned member DOES speak of her need for validation.Why? I have no clue, but NO ONE reacts so violently and visciously unless they feel very threatened and have a personal stake in the matter.

Clearly D holds a lot of power in her mind, since the very mention of something positive about him provoked a full scale public annhilation of him.

I'm calling out DS on some really bad behavior that has a negative impact on this board. Period.

Danu...

even tho you've been banned for being a complete bitch...I'll address some of your post since you're reading here.

There was nothing 'violently' or 'visciously' in posting what I did about Defiance. I stated fact...nothing more.

You're calling *me* out on my behavior? How about looking at the person (Defiance) that CAUSED this situation?

Interesting how you choose to ignore the chaos, drama and lies Defiance brought here for the last 5 years.

What you think of me makes no difference in my life. It has zero effect on me. So your claim of me having an 'agenda' is laughable.

We are upper-middle class, small business owners that have nothing to gain by running SI, except a personal statisfaction to watch people heal and become whole again. So your claim about validation is baseless, just like everything else you posted.

And one last thing...I don't own SI...its an NPO with appointment board members. And the Moderators here act in unity...we all make decisions together. I'm not some big giant intimidating force that everyone cows to. I'm a human being that is doing her best to help keep SI safe.

And thank you very much to those here that have our backs...we Mods appreciate it

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------MangledHeart the good guy.D-day: April 5th, 2000Reconciliation going beautifully!

"I'm happily indifferent to the ones who have consistently been wrong" ~kd lang~

5 comments:

To add, what I adore about so many comments here is how they automatically ASSUME that the owner (DS, DeeplyScared) was telling the TRUTH. Why do they give her blanket acceptance? She is holy? Godlike? She would never lie?

That is what disturbs me. She is given carte blanche as someone who would never lie.

Can you again receive my emails? I hope that block comcast had is gone now. I sent you some email few days ago I believe, I might want to send the content of the comment that was deleted here(on your other post to your email, maybe it was because I added an extrenal link into my comment). Just like youtube deletes comments with links too. I think this was the same case here...

ok, I manged to read all of this, it took some time though. But these acussations which they made, what happened in reality in that motel and the harassment stuff? You can email me that if you want, I am just trying to have some better insight into this, but I don't beleive mods who spread their words as holy truths, because I got attacked and harrased by a similar moderator, who made up various stuff just to get his revenge and agenda against me. I wouldn't be surprised if he is somehow related to that stuff.I hate censorship too, hence why I also joined the sgusucks site, which is only mildly moderated (that is deleting spam and stuff), but no opinions are being censored and they don't take the stances and act all chained together and having this mass hystery or psychosis or whatever.

I won't go into right or wrong or anything. I stand by what I said. I've been involved in doing websites before, including doing some moderation, and I know that though abuse can happen by the mods, the truth of what happens usually lies somewhere in the middle.

I would have been more comfortable without seeing the whole story in the thread - as I said, I didn't feel it was everyone's business - but then I also felt that the mods got pushed by the thread being posted in the first place. It was like a red flag being waved.

And as I've always said, sites like that ARE private, which means there is no such thing as free speech. You get your free speech here on your web site. Anything on that site is only as long as those in charge allow it. They don't have to let ANYONE post.

I mostly wanted to comment over here, though, because I saw you had taken it upon yourself to re-post content from the other site here. That's not really "good manners" as far as web sites go. Any re-posting should be extremely limited, if at all. In this case, you are re-posting quotes from a number of different users from a different site, who have no idea that you have used their content and have no idea that it has been reposted here.

And yes, I know that web crawlers take snapshots of that content too, but it isn't the same thing at all. You don't have any idea if all of those posters would want their comments posted on your site. They signed up on and agreed to participate on the other site, not on yours.

So by doing this, you have both taken content from another site and put content from users up without their permission.

You could have just as easily re-directed people to the thread on the other site, and not had any issues.

Now will anyone do anything about it? Not likely. But it's still wrong. I know I don't particularly appreciate having my comment just posted over here without my knowledge. Not that I don't stand behind it - I do. But I feel as if I am being dragged into something against my will.

Take my advice. I've been through these kinds of things before. They are stupid, and eat up way too much of your life - precious time that should be used on much better things.

When you silence someone, and then allow the mob to have their say. When you allow anything and everything to be posted about that person, and annihilate their character. And sit back and watch, and allow it to continue? Then it is the right of that person to call out their accusers and respond, in whatever forum they deem necessary. And since the posters there do not use their real names, I am not violating anyone's rights. Nor am I infringing on anything at all.

I do not appreciate that the mods told one snippet of a story, and used carefully chosen words to insure the result. "Bedding women".

This was the worst sort of management of a board. And I too moderate and run a message board. I'm not ignorant of what is involved.

That they did was take a post by someone and instead of shutting it down, used it to incite the mob.

The most scathing comments about me were so far off base as to be ludicrous. Preying on weak and vulnerable people. Oh for the love of Christ. I did NO such thing. If you see my post above this, I detail my relationships. NONE of it was preying on anyone at all.

I am not going to engage this anymore, because it isn't healthy. But was is astounding is how a leadership can take something and someone and just allow a complete and utter trashing of them to occur. ONCE they are safely REMOVED.

Then there is only ONE story to be heard. And they used their position of power and respect to dominate the membership.

Anyone who does not speak in favor of them, is silenced and banned (As Danu was).

The site has become one of people on the edge of virtual "rioting". All they need is a push from the mods or the exalted rulers, and they sweep into action.

I know what I've done. And I talked about it. Openly. And that is ALL I have done. The rest of the scathing characterizations are interpretations and fiction imagined by a group of people who want BLOOD. And they were more than encouraged by the angry mods and owners to do so.

I walk away from this knowing what I have done wrong, and what I have not. And it utterly disgusts me to see how that was turned into "Mod appreciation day, with a vengeance".

About Me

I’ve been an admirer and observer of nature for all of my life. My passion is to capture the wonder and beauty of the natural world, and I have been an avid photographer since my teens. My love of photography came from an extension of not only my love of nature, but as a result of wanting to continue my creative pursuits. Nature provides endless opportunities to see something new and wonderful, if you stop to take the time to look, to listen, and to feel.
I’m a lifelong resident of New Jersey, and a very long time resident of the New Jersey shore, and I particularly enjoy exploring the tidal marshes, lakes, rivers, the shore and surrounding Pine Barrens wilderness in search of new and interesting subjects for photographs. Birds are far and away my favorite subject. I spent almost 30 years working as systems analyst and manager of scientific computing for a large pharmaceutical company. In addition, I worked for 15 years as a level designer for computer and video games, including some well known, major titles for the PC. My artistic and creative side truly rules my life and is far and away what I love to be doing.