Emoticon -> RealLife™ Conversion Manual

It has become quite clear to me in recent times that people are having trouble distinguishing RealLife™ and the internet.
So we here at SuperVeggie.com say: "Why fight this confusion? Let's bring our internet life into the RealWorld™!"
So here, brought to you by SuperVeggie.com, is the official Emoticon -> RealLife™ Conversion Manual.

Firstly, you must understand that dealing with emotions in the RealLife™ world isn't just all cream and butter. You can't push a few buttons and let everyone know how you feel. It takes time and effort to understand how to create easily-interpretable facial expressions for the world to see. So you MUST PRACTICE!!!

This leads to my second point - PRACTICE!!!

Now on with the Emoticon -> RealLife™ Conversion Manual...

Most people would start off with a typical :). But if you can't :) in RealLife™, then sorry, but you cannot possibly achieve any of the desired results that the Emoticon -> RealLife™ Conversion Manual offers the regular human being.

The :(

This is simply achieved by using a wild eyed stare to represent the : and a downward curved mouth to accomplish the (. With a few weeks practice you'll be doing it like a pro and will be able to express how your feeling in RealLife™ without the need of a messagebox (or a computer for that matter).

The :\

This emoticon is quite frequently used. It may be hard to getting used to and you may feel uncomfortable with everyone around you in the RealWorld™ laughing at you, but don't worry, you'll be laughing at them when you've read through the Emoticon -> RealLife™ Conversion Manual and are having an easily-understandable, healthy life when they're still trying to keep their internet and RealLife™ worlds apart. This is a hard facial expression to master and needs extra special attention when practicing your Emoticon -> RealLife™ Conversions.

The :P

This emoticon used to be cute. Until brought into the RealLife™ where it just looks plain sleazy. Merely flop your tongue out one side of your mouth. People may look at you funny, or think not so highly of you. But not to worry, once again, after reading the Emoticon -> RealLife™ Conversion Manual you will be the King of K-Rad. As always, practice makes perfect.

The :D

Sometimes we feel the need to express extreme happiness or excitement. This is achieved through the use of a D. The letter is so appropriate because it's saying 'DELERIUM!!!' In some cases it could actually be saying 'Drugs!' or 'Die!' depending on the users current social status. The letter D is also good because it represents an open mouth. Once again we use the wild-eyed stare from the previous facial expressions and simply drop the jaw to an open-mouth position. With time and patience, you too will be able to express extreme happiness or excitement.

The :]

We've already discussed some RealLife™ and internet compatibility problems, but we haven't really dug into those really deep holes where you find true computer geeks that can hum binary code to their computer and discuss boolean algebra with their CPU. These types of people use the =] type of smiley-face. Square-eyes and squared off mouth. We don't recommend using these Emoticon -> RealLife™ Conversions in public. But if you must...

This is another particularly hard Emoticon -> RealLife™ Conversion to do. You must bite your lip from inside your mouth then proceed to smile. As with all Emoticon -> RealLife™ Conversions, you must practice, practice, practice!

The >:(

As we all know, life is not a flower bed of roses. Roses have thorns, and so does life. So naturally, we have a need to express anger. You will notice a striking resemblance between the >:( and the :(. For those of you that are more perceptive, you will realise that we need to add an 'is greater than'. In simple terms, our >:( facial expression has to say: "I'm upset, but I'm better (greater) than you!" Firstly, let's do our :( facial expression. Now try to curl your eyebrows downwards towards the top of the bridge of your nose. This can be quite a difficult task and you may find yourself going cross-eyes instead. Keep at it, and you will be expressing anger better than a BPA user.

The 8o

This is where things start getting really complicated. We are now starting to MIX emoticons!

Sometimes, one might see an emoticon similar to 8). The 8 actually represents sunglasses which then represents Coolness™ (a social status I am yet to achieve). It might be an idea to note that the people behind this emoticon are usually wearing inch thick spectacles and sit in the library brushing up on quantum physics. To achieve this Emoticon -> RealLife™ Conversion, you need a pair of Cool™ sunglasses. You must then call these 'sunnies' and strut around the streets looking Cool™.

The second part of this Emoticon -> RealLife™ Conversion is actually an o to represent a circular mouth. This can represent many, many things - whistling, saying 'oooh'/'ohhh', etc. In this Emoticon -> RealLife™ Conversion, we are saying "Damn, I'm Coooooooool™!" As with all Emoticon -> RealLife™ Conversions, you must practice until you're sick of the sight of your own face perfect.

The ;9

One of the eye positions we haven't really concentrated on is the ;. If you've gotten this far in the emoticon manual then we hope you can learn how to ; on your own. As a rough guide, you must keep one eye open and then close the other. This concept may be hard to grasp, but don't give up straight away. Remember: Where there's a will, there's a way.

The second part of this Emoticon -> RealLife™ Conversion is the P's rival. The tongue remains on the same side of the mouth, but instead it goes up. Making the tongue successfully defy gravity can take many days of training and practice, but of course, it's all worth it to have a hassle-free RealLife™.

As you can probably see... we do NOT endorse this particular facial expression. It's merely an example of mixing different emoticons.

Well, there you have it. The Emoticon -> RealLife™ Conversion Manual. We at SuperVeggie.com hope this has been an educational and enlightening experience for you, and we wish you well on all your Internet -> RealLife™ Conversions.