Category: Self-Esteem

Sometimes I have to pause for a moment and think, “why the heck am I rushing right now?” I designed my life so that I work from home and set my own schedule, but still I find myself constantly feeling as if I’m under some kind of pressure to do everything and do it fast.

Oftentimes I have three or four things going on at any one time, which is why I often feel overwhelmed. What I’ve found us that the things to do don’t stop until I choose to stop doing them. Sometimes I have to force myself to just RELAX.

We Learn How to Worry and Live in a Continuing State of Tension from a Young Age…

When you’re in first grade, you’re taught that if you don’t draw inside the lines there may be a problem.

By the time you’re in sixth grade you’re taught that if you don’t have a group of friends there’s a problem.

By the time you’re in 10th grade you’re told that if you don’t fill out 50 college applications your future is in jeopardy.

When you’re a high school senior you’re pressured to find a prom date or else you’ll miss a once in a lifetime chance.

In college you’re pressured to be the best at everything and compete with your peers fiercely.

At your first job you’re expected to work your way up the corporate ladder.

And women, let’s not even talk about the pressure of being 29 years old and not married or not even having a boyfriend (“girl, your biological clock is ticking!”).

It’s clear that an inability to truly relax is built into many of us over the course of many years. When you’ve been taught so long to stress, worry and be concerned about every little thing that’s going on in your world, it seems almost impossible to just enjoy the present.

Relaxing Starts in Your Mind
The real reason why so many people find it so difficult to relax is that they haven’t mastered how to relax their minds. No matter how comfortable your body may be in a seat, if your mind is active and stressed you can’t get the rest that you truly need.

Here’s an example. I’m going to give you a simple command:

Sit down and relax every muscle in your body, from your toes to your forehead. Relax them completely.

A moment ago you probably didn’t even realize that there were parts of your body that were on “alert” either flexing or tensing. But when something told your mind to relax, you actually did.

Try this at night when you’re trying to fall asleep quickly and think of a place where you’d like to be. You may be surprised by how quickly you drift off into a nice dream.

Set Aside 1 Hour Each Day Just for You
When your schedule is full of things to do, including work projects, chores and daily routines, it’s essential that you take at least an hour each day to truly relax. Set aside a clear cut block of time in your day to do exactly what makes you happy, whether it’s a power nap, watching your favorite program or taking a walk in the mall. Be unapologetic about this time that’s just for you.

As I say in my new book YOU MATTER, you do not have to answer every time that you’re called. So turn off your phone ringer. Put on some soothing music. Take this time to reflect and let ideas in. Relaxation has healing properties and can give you extra energy to finish your day strong.

Relaxation Is Healing
Here comes a cliche that I think we all take for granted from time to time: “stop and smell the roses.” You don’t have to run and gun every moment of your day. Take time for yourself. Take care of yourself. You matter.

In my early twenties I signed up for Big Brothers Big Sisters and quickly became a mentor of a young shy 11 year old girl.

As time went on in the mentoring process, I started to second guess myself.

What could I possibly teach this girl? What do I have to offer her?

At the time I was starting off in my career as a freelance writer and designer so money came here and there. It was a struggle to pay my bills. I was still driving the same car that I bought in college–it shook and quivered with age and I felt embarrassed picking her up in it. I could barely afford to buy my young mentee a slice of pizza when we hung out together. I was struggling. I felt like such a failure.

Every time I thought to call my mentee for a visit this question nagged at me: why would she want to grow up and be anything like me?

So eventually my visits with my mentee lessened. When she reached the age of 14 her family decided to move away, so the BBBS relationship expired. I have to admit that while I was sad that I’d probably never see her again I was a little relieved that I no longer had to fight with myself over my significance and impact on her young life.

Years later, I look back and feel a little foolish for allowing those self-defeating thoughts to affect my mentoring relationship. I did have a chance to see her again recently and found that she turned out to be a beautiful, confident and ambitious teenager. She is on her way to great things, and I like to think I played a small role in that.

I am speaking to anyone who is thinking about becoming a mentor or is currently a mentor who doubts your ability to positively influence your mentee. It’s not so much about getting her to admire you or to be just like you. It’s about the attention and love you’re giving the child which she may not be getting enough of at home.

Much like adults, kids just want to feel special, listened to, attended to and understood. If you can give them that, you have done your job as a mentor.

So just because you don’t quite have life figured out yet doesn’t mean that you arent a good candidate for mentorship. Some young person out there needs exactly what you have to offer. Just give her the attention, love and positive guidance that YOU wish you had received more of as a child.

Whenever I’m feeling a bit unsure or confused about life I like to think about the fact that out of 250 million sperm I was the chosen one. This is true for every human being on the planet — in other words, WE MADE IT.

To fully understand how important this point is, let’s have a quick biology lesson about how fetuses form.

During the process of conception, approximately 250 million sperm are competing to fertilize an egg. For a sperm to succeed at this goal it has to overcome a number of challenges:

– The acidic environment of the vagina kills some off quickly before they can reach the cervix.

– They have to navigate their way to the egg’s location without GPS. Some of them wander off in the wrong direction

– They’re swimming in competition with millions of other sperm with the same goal.

– The egg has to actually be there when it arrives (ovulation). If the sperm gets there too early or too late, it’s a no go.

– There are two Fallopian tubes — if the sperm gets to the wrong one, well that’s that.

– If the egg is there the sperm has to be the FIRST to push its head into the resilient exterior of the egg. Hundreds of other strong sperm are trying to do the same thing.

– Once the sperm does make it inside, it has to still be energetic enough to activate its cells with the egg’s and create a person.

That sperm is me. That sperm is you. That sperm is a fighter and a winner.

We are not mistakes. We are not losers by any stretch of the imagination. Our outer environment (the media, peers, family members, teachers) may tell us that we are “not enough” in one way or another, but it’s just a lie.

We were put here for a reason. Each of us came here to do something amazing. Why the heck else would our “stock” (the sperm we were formed from) be so strong and resilient in the face of so much adversity?

So keep that “250 million” thought handy whenever you’re feeling insecure or unsure about yourself. Keep it handy whenever you’re feeling worthless or useless. Keep it handy when you’re wondering what your purpose is here and if you even have a purpose.

You beat out 250 million other living entities and came out on top. That means you and I are really special and powerful, so I think it’s time we start acting like it.

For the most part, doctors and experts are confused about what causes depression in people. Some believe it is something that is hereditary while others believe it comes from external factors, like environmental pollution and poor diet.

Here’s one other theory — the theory that I personally believe.

I believe that depression comes from having a “song” unsung inside of you. A song that’s desperately trying to get out into the world, but you suppress it time and time again.

By song I mean anything that would make your heart sing. That might be writing something special, creating something, growing something, learning something, pursuing a certain career or just speaking your mind.

A lot of people bottle up resentment for others instead of letting it out. Those poisonous feelings grow inside and can create a physical imbalance.

Some people are depressed because they never told that ONE person who hurt them deeply exactly how they feel.

Maybe you feel that someone or a group of someone’s has wronged you in some way, but you don’t have the courage to tell them about themselves.

Maybe you want to try something brand new in your life (like write music, write a story, be a fashionista or sky dive from a plane), but you don’t because you lack confidence or someone is telling you that you can’t.

Watching celebrities and other people on TV “live their dreams” while you are not can unknowingly be a major source of depression.

My Bouts with Depression
I believe the bouts of depression I experienced in my life came from a number of situations where I left my “songs unsung” so to speak:

– allowing myself to be teased as a young child and not standing up for myself more

– showing unrequited love and support to family members / friends who thought it was fine to treat me a certain way (and not expressing my true feelings about it to them)

– a failed business venture early in my life that left me feeling devastated, useless and stupid

– allowing men to come into and out of my life, using me up, without telling them exactly how much they hurt me

All of these experiences and more allowed years of pain, anger, resentment and guilt to build up within me until the bubble finally “popped” and it came out in an unhealthy way. To overcome severe depression I had to recognize the source of the issue and release it to God. And yes, in some cases I had to tell a few people off, which felt great. Why spare the feelings of an insensitive person who has wronged you at the expense of your own health and wellness ?

I do believe that depression is caused by a chemical imbalance, but I don’t think it is something that’s *inherent* in you — it’s something that happens over time as you internalize negativity.

You shouldn’t put up with nonsense and negativity in your life.

Can you relate to any of this? If so, take a moment to write down the various people, situations and experiences that may have lead you to suffer from depression. It could help you to identify the source of the problem so that you can work on releasing it.

When I look for self-help books I want someone who speaks to me with down to earth ideas that I can relate to and implement immediately. I found that in Beyond Positive Thinkingby Dr. Robert Anthony. Here is my review of the book.

Being, Doing, Having
One of the most important nuggets I grabbed from this book was that most of us are confused about what it takes to be satisfied in life.

We believe of having, doing then being, so in other words we think that we have to have money/fame/success/material things first in order to finally be happy.

But if that were the truth, why are there so many unhappy, miserable people who have plenty of stuff?

America is one of the wealthiest countries in the world but is nowhere near the top of the happiness list.

Dr. Anthony instead says that we have to look at satisfaction in a different way: being, then doing and then having.

First you have to BE happy in order to be inspired to do something with your life that will ultimately lead to having everything you want.

Many of us complain about what we don’t have instead of being thankful for what we already do have: shelter, food, clean water, love from a family member or friend.

Our Lives Are Shaped by Our Beliefs Another important point that Dr. Anthony makes in the book is that we act out our lives in accordance with our beliefs about ourselves. In many cases our beliefs about ourselves are formed because of what others have told us about ourselves — and we accepted it.

A young man who has always been told he is “stupid” accepts that characterization of himself and goes on to act out being “stupid” throughout his life. A girl who has always been told she is beautiful (even if she doesn’t meet society’s ideal of that) will live out her life as a beautiful woman as long as she accepts that belief.

So we have to accept better beliefs about ourselves first in order to change the course of our lives for the better.

Unhappiness Comes from Comparison
In the book Dr. Anthony says says that comparison is the root cause of unhappiness. When we constantly compare ourselves to others and think that we’re falling short, we become sad and depressed about our current lives.

I believe that one of the reasons why Americans are so unhappy as a nation is that we are obsessed with celebrity culture. We’re constantly inundated with messages, pictures and stories of people who we believe are doing so much better than us at life. The irony is that most of them are only creating an image for others to look at — they’re just as unhappy.

One More Good Point
Have you ever wondered how two children can grow up in the same home and turn out completely different? Well Dr. Anthony offers a theory that makes a lot of sense.

He says that the difference is due to each child’s interpretation of what is going on in his surroundings throughout his young life. So even in an abusive household one child might grow up and become abusive himself because he interprets that as normal behavior. Another child sees the side of the victim of the abuse, interprets it as wrong behavior and resolves to never put someone through that ever.

I was raised by older women who selflessly gave of themselves. Many of them gave up their happiness, dreams and in many cases their peace of mind for the sake of helping other people. Basically they came last in their own lives.

Some people will call this admirable, but I disagree. I think we’re meant to care about and help others when we can but not to the point where it robs from our own life force.

Women tend to give so much of themselves to the point where they lose themselves — they lose their identities. Later on in life, they look back at their years spent focused on sacrificing themselves to find that there’s nothing really to show for playing the role of a “martyr.” There are countless divorced women who sacrificed their careers and aspirations for marriage and kids only to find themselves struggling alone and unappreciated later on in life.

On what planet and in what universe is that fair? All of us are important and all of us deserve the pursuit of personal happiness and fulfillment.

Unfortunately, for much of my life I followed in the footsteps of this learned tradition, selflessly giving of myself to help others. It’s not until something life-changing happened to me that I realized no one else I knew would stick their neck out for me the way that I was willing to do for them.

And you know what, that was probably smart of them. They probably had a lot on their minds at the time as well.

I believe that each of us should be the center of our own Universe. We shouldn’t feel obligated to give so much of ourselves that it hurts. If we do for others it should be because we genuinely want to — not out of a sense of obligation.

So instead of holding into resentment toward people who won’t sacrifice for you, I think it’s so much more useful to turn the situation around and look at yourself. Here are a few tips for how to make yourself the center of your own Universe so that you can be happy and at peace with yourself and your decisions.

1) Take 15-20 minutes right now to answer this question “what do I need right now?” What do you need for yourself right now that will give you a boost? Write it down point by point. For example:

– I need to take better care of my health / workout
– I need to take myself out for a nice dinner
– I need to save up money to reach an important goal (no more lending — my money is my money)
– I need a vacation / getaway
– I need a massage / spa day
– I need new clothes or a new pair of comfortable shoes
– I need to quietly read a book on my lunch break (instead of listening to my co-worker go on and on about her relationship for an hour)

Now prioritize checking off this list over anything else that is going on in your life. You’ll find that as you check those things off you start to feel more important and alive. For you to help anyone else you need to be okay first.

2) Don’t ever give an immediate answer to a favor request from someone. Tell the person that you’ll think about it and get back to them at a later time. If they try to pressure you for an immediate answer, say no.

3) Before agreeing to do something for another person, ask yourself “would this put an unnecessary strain on ME?” Yes me, because ME matters. “Can I afford to do this and still be okay?” Also, “would this person do the same for me?” One of the keys to a healthy relationship with another person is reciprocity.

4) Understand that your opinion of yourself is the only one that really matters in the grand scheme of things. If someone doesn’t like you because you said no, that’s 100% their problem!

5) Start living your life from the inside out instead of from the outside in. What does that mean? Do you ever feel like you’re observing your life, actions, decisions and conversations as a third party observer? That you’re constantly thinking about what that other person is thinking about you? That you’re behaving the way you believe THEY would want you to behave? Think about it.

Be confident in who you are as an individual. Instead of looking at your life from the outside views of others, look at you from WITHIN. Are YOU happy with how you’re living? What do you think about yourself? This is where self-love comes from.

6) Be perfectly imperfect and proud of it. A lot of us are striving for perfection, which can never be achieved. Not to mention, one person’s idea of perfection differs from another’s. Understand that your imperfections are perfectly okay. Embrace them and cherish them — they’re part of you.

If you feel lost or drained by life, it’s probably because you’re not putting yourself first. Implement these tips for how to become the center of your own Universe starting today.

They say that behind every successful man is a good woman. If you look at the vast majority of successful men, there is almost always a good woman they’re married to who helped them achieve great things in life. Smart men get married to the right women.

But what about successful women? We don’t always have a good supportive husband or boyfriend to provide the same positive influence in our lives when we want to reach higher heights. Yet and still there are loads of ambitious and successful single women out there. So who or what do we have behind us when we achieve great things? Here are a few possible answers:

A strong belief, faith and commitment to God. When I scan social media the majority of faithful followers who constantly Thank God for supporting them are women. They have no shame in talking about how God took them through a hard time and are often involved in some type of business enterprise. Whether they have a husband behind them or not, these women continue to achieve.

Our hard working mothers. When you see your mother working hard and persevering for countless years, it becomes ingrained in your psyche. Single, successful women almost always have a supportive mother in their corner.

Children as motivators. One of my favorite people in the world Lisa Nichols often speaks about how her son was a major motivation for her to succeed at life and make more money. She is now a millionairess. Children are often a strong support and motivation for single mothers who strive to achieve.

Our real friends. If you have a real friend who cares about you and is there for you even in the hardest times, you have to hold on tight. These friends (our truest girlfriends) stand with us and help us achieve great things. Now I’m not talking about your acquaintances or “party friends” (the ones who only call when they need a partner to party) — I’m talking about the friend who calls you to see how you’re doing “just because” and is the first person to buy/promote what you’re selling when you start a business.

Other woman entrepreneurs. A lot of women think that other women are their enemies due to the way that they are taught from a young age (don’t trust women). But if you get a mentor or join a women’s network of fellow entrepreneurs you may find a much different reality — positive and encouraging women who want nothing more than for another woman to succeed.

Our inner strength and drive. Ever since I was young, I always crunched my nose up at the idea that women were “the weaker sex.” We may not be as physically strong as men, but I believe that we are stronger in the ways that really matter. We dig deep to do the things that no one wants to do, like raise kids alone, care for our family members in need (it’s estimated that up to 75 percent of caregivers are women), juggle multiple tasks and remain resilient even in the face of adversity. Even if a woman doesn’t have anyone in her corner, she can call on this inner strength and drive to keep doing whatever’s necessary to succeed in life.

While having a life partner in your corner to help support you in your dreams is awesome, it’s not necessary for you to be successful. As women we may not always have a strong man behind us to help us succeed, but we do have other sources to tap into for support and encouragement.

In my book Survive, Live or Thrive I talk about limiting beliefs and how they are the culprits behind why we did not succeed or achieve what we want to in life.

Limiting beliefs are planted in our minds by cultural influences, the media and the people in our lives who say that they love us. These beliefs, that you accept for yourself, BECOME YOUR LIFE. Stuff doesn’t just happen to you — you are a willing participant, whether it’s good or bad. Your thoughts and beliefs affect the decisions you make, the steps you take and what you accept from others.

Bottomline, if you aren’t pleased with the way your life is going it is because you have allowed limiting beliefs to infiltrate your life for way too long.

Here is a list of common limiting beliefs that plaque women. Raise your hand if you can relate to one or more:

– I’m not smart enough to start my own business or get a better job
– I can never get healthy because bad health runs in my family
– I’m not pretty enough to deserve a good man
– I can’t find anyone better so I have to stay in this toxic relationship
– no man would ever want me as his girlfriend, all that I’m good for is sex and being a FWB
– I can never get anywhere in life because of my race or color
– My hair isn’t long enough, straight enough, blond enough, perfect enough, etc to be considered beautiful
– I’ve already lived the best days of my life, it’s all down hill from here
– I’m too old to start over
– I’m too young to be successful and make money
– I don’t deserve respect from the world (walk all over me)
– I didn’t have a father / mother in my life so I’m worthless and not meant to have a good life
– I was born poor so I’ll probably die poor (only chance is winning the lottery)
– God / the Universe is against me, so good things can’t happen to me
– I’m unlucky; all I have is bad luck
– I’m destined to fail, why even try? Why am I even here?

The list goes on and on doesn’t it? Our brains can be like toxic waste dumps.

What I’d like you to do starting today is to slowly replace some of these limiting beliefs (the messages that you’re repeating to yourself every day) with empowering thoughts and beliefs. Here are a few examples:

– the way I look and act is unique and special
– God made me, and He doesn’t make any mistakes, so I must be beautiful
– I’m alive and kicking, so I am still important to this world and have a purpose here
– I love and am loved, therefore I am a divine and significant part of this universe
– someone else’s opinion of me doesn’t have to become my reality
– I matter and I deserve respect; anyone who doesn’t agree doesn’t deserve to be in my life
– I deserve and am worthy of love overflowing
– Good things and people are attracted to me all the time — good things happening to me are the NORM

Even if you don’t fully believe these statements yet, there is POWER in saying them. Say them no matter how low you feel, no matter how bad you feel your day is going. Watch how things start to suddenly change after a week, two weeks, a month as you replace those limiting beliefs and thoughts with empowering ones.

I promise you love, no one can change your life but you — not a man, not a family member, not a friend… it’s all about YOU.

As I write this blog post, I’m feeling a bit “down” and have been for a couple of weeks after yet again losing someone very near and dear to me. But even in the midst of a temporary mental fog, I can still see the truth very clearly.

Today I wrote the following post on my Twitter account — the thought just came to me out of the blue.

“@LoveLynnGee: The chains of mental slavery are the most difficult to break free from #LoveLynn”

One of my followers must be on the same frequency because she responded right back asking: how do you break free from mental chains? I decided to write a blog post about this because it’s a message I need to hear myself at the moment.

Let’s start here: “The definition of insanity (a form of mental bondage) is doing the same thing over and over again while expecting a different result.” – unknown

Oftentimes we stay mentally imprisoned by a counterproductive routine or action. We’re stuck doing, saying or thinking something that we’ve been doing saying and thinking every day for the majority of our lives.

If that action or thought process isn’t effecting positive change in our lives, we have to do something else. But many of us choose to stay chained to those same routines because it’s “comfortable” or because we’re afraid of what could happen if we step outside of it.

So I believe this is one key to breaking free from mental slavery — being brave enough to step outside of a comfort zone and try something COMPLETELY new.

The next is this: “Love is what we were born with. Fear is what we learned here.” – Marianne Williamson

Fear is possibly the most negative emotion that someone can have. Living in fear is what keeps many of us in mental chains for the whole time we’re here.

As the quote from Marianne Williamson says, we learn fear from other scared people. It’s not a natural emotion.

Where did you learn to be afraid? I learned it from family members, teachers and peers who meant well and only wanted to keep me safe. They may have been afraid of losing me. But they were slowly helping me into mental chains strengthened by fear. You become afraid to act, think or even feel as time goes on. As I mentioned early, you’re afraid to step out and do something different.

Fear inspires us to make irrational, rushed choices and actions that can alter the entire course of our lives. It erases logic. So I would also say that another key to breaking free from mental slavery is to conquer fear. Stare it in the face and do it anyway.

And then there’s this: “Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.” – Buddha

Many of us are stuck in mental slavery because we’re really angry at someone or something. We feel slighted by a person, a circumstance or even the Universe / God for not being fair to us. We feel that someone or something has FAILED us in life.

When we hold onto anger it eats us up from the inside out until it has taken complete control over our lives.

It’s hard as hell, but we have to come to a place of genuine forgiveness in our hearts for people who we feel have wronged us. You have to come to a place where you accept the fact that as an adult no one is obligated to you BUT you. We design and create our lives. We alone decide if we’re going to remain chained to a negative mentality.

There may be other solutions, but I believe that these three are the keys to breaking free from mental slavery. As they say in rehab programs, the first step to getting free is admitting that there’s a problem in the first place.