15 March 09
"Something wasn't natural about them, in addition
to the fact that they weren't natural." -Col. David LeCours,
Vermont Department of Fish and Wildlife chief warden. He was
talking about the antlers bolted onto the skull of a deer by Vermont
dumbass Marcel Fournier, who will spend 10 days in jail for his abject
stupidity.

Mr. Bob Seger, In the song, 'Turn the Page', are you seriously
suggesting that some dude calling you a girl ruins your whole day,
considering that you're a major star that gets laid any time he wants?
Get over it, man.

Apple's stock quadrupled in value today as
Steve Jobs exclaimed, "We now have indisputable proof that the Shroud of
Turin is authentic."
Jobs secretly bought the Shroud from the Vatican, which is desperate for
cash after years of paying off lawyers to make sure no priest ever pays
for his sins, in this life at least.
"We can'ta even afforda our usual 50 year olda wine. We hava to
drinka da crappy 25 year old!" said Cardinal Juan Oldaguey.
Jobs proceeded to hire a crack science team, headed by Fay Keckspert.
Keckspert cut her teeth proving smoking doesn't cause anything bad in
the 90's, followed by a stint as one of George W. Bush's leading
scientists. She disproved any harmful effects from pollution,
giving birth to the pollution production industry, and has since been
credited with moving the end of the Earth up from an estimated 70
million years to sometime next month.
"Using the latest in Obfuscation Technology, we have dated the Shroud of
Turin to precisely January 1st, 0001 A.D.," said Keckspert.
Jobs went on to say, "We have developed technology to clone the Shroud's
material. And a year and a half from now, after making and
breaking several promises, we will release a disappointing and
over-priced product."

MAY 29, 2018

Name Hyphenation Ruled Illegal

"It was stupid anyway," says everyone

The World Court ruled today that
hyphenating your last name is stupidly
egocentric and banned the practice worldwide, to the relief of everyone.
"This is a blatant attempt to homogenize me, to steal my identity,"
wailed Gwendolyn Tyson-Smith-Smythe-Schwartz-Hunter-Benjamin-Rodriguez-Hasagawa-Smith.

"I am a Tyson as much as a
Schwartz! A Smith as much as a Smith! It's because I'm a woman!
You can't legislate my
identities! I'll kill you all!" she shrieked when the ruling was read.

Her case started when she ran afoul of a
red-light camera. 733
people with at least one last name in common with hers got tickets in
the mail. Curiously, 695 were 'Rodriguez'.

A pattern of abuse became evident
in the hearings that followed.
"I spent a fortune in extra business cards, stationary, and, jesus, the desk
nameplate alone was a month's profit!" lamented her boss, Snively A. Varris. "It
took her twenty minutes to answer the phone!"

"She came to ze restaurant where i am ze
maitre d'," testified Jacques Oeuf, a damn Frenchman, "By ze time we called her
nom, ze customeres behind her ran away like I, as a proud Frenchman, would run
away...like ze cowardly wind!"

Tyson-Smith-Smythe-Schwartz-Hunter-Benjamin-Rodriguez-Hasagawa-Smith
was
originally convicted of Malicious Overpossession of Names, and sentenced
to 40 years in a Russian gulag. The offense was reduced to Being
Extremely Annoying and she was put in the stocks in the public square
for 3 weeks, where citizens were invited to whip her with whips.

The Postal workers and DMV
employees were particularly brutal. The PA
Announcer's Union sent a delegation from around the state. She was
then committed to the care of a loony bin in upstate New York, where she
remains heavily sedated. She goes by Joe Jones now.

MAY 08, 2018:

Award Show
to Honor Award Shows Receives Award for Best Award Show

The Awards Honors Awards has won it's own award for Best Award
Show.
"It's really gratifying to get this award from ourselves," gushed Sue
Zeakew, the AHA Chairgal, "It was a tough choice, there were so many
worthy shows. The 'Big Trophy Honors' and the 'America's Commercials
and the Patriots Who Make Them Salutaganza' were top-notch, as was the
'T.V. Giving of Statues Tribute'."
Salutaganza won for Best Playing Them Off Moment for the unforgettable
playing off of Barbra Streisand, who screamed, "Don't tase me, Nose!"
before being tased. The taser received a standing ovation and toured
Europe before returning to it's owner's hip holster. Streisand, who
came out of cryogenic freeze to pick up the award for Most Ballsy Ticket
Prices, went on a 13 victim killing spree shortly after the show, and
was of course pardoned under the Rich Ass Bastards Vs. Justice
precedent. She went back into cryogenic freeze in a nice Donna Karan
pantsuit.

O.J. Simpson Executed on General Principals

The Juice was given the juice just after midnight after a federal judge
ruled he was a Damned Stupid Fuck.
"I cannot in good conscience allow this Damned Stupid Fuck to escape the
forceful finger of justice," Judge Dame Judi Dench thundered in court
last week.
Orinthal James Simpson's last words were, "But I was just getting ready
to search for the real killers, after I play nine at Pebble Beach. You
sorry fu...".
The switch could not have been thrown soon enough. His body was then
chopped into hamburger and fed to rabid dogs, who were then put into a
rocket and shot into the sun, which will now be destroyed by a constant
bombardment from Earth which will last ten years, bankrupt every nation
and wipe out all the planet's resources. "We are now doomed to
extinction as a people," said Professor John Frink, "but with the
annihilation of Simpson's DNA forever in the Universe, we are going out
to the good."