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Author
Topic: Anyone else isolated? (Read 11081 times)

Is anyone else here completely isolated from others? I don't mean a little bit. I mean is there anyone else here who doesn't have anyone else in their life period?

I can go days without speaking to anyone, and when I do it's a social worker or doctor or something like that. I don't have friends or family of any kind. I guess I have some acquaintances, but no one I could call up to say "hi" without having some specific reason.

I've always wanted that, of course, but it's not in the cards for everyone, so rather than be upset about it, I've tried to just learn to live with it. The HIV thing has made it a little more, oh crap, than it used to be, but I'm learning to get lab results and other stuff back without needing to tell anyone else or share it or whatever. I mentioned in another post that I forget to eat, and since there's not really anyone around, it's harder to do things that supposedly keep you from advancing to AIDS quicker. I put a reminder in my phone, but I tend now to just click it and still forget unless I go right that second and eat something.

For me, the hardest thing is not turning into a "brat". I mean, I'll go a long time without interacting, then every once in a while it blows up and I'll jump into some online discussion and just be "bratty", for attention, I think.

Anyway, I figured I'd ask this and see if it prevents impending brattiness. ;)

Maybe it doesn't belong in Living with HIV, but I was doing better with this before. I lost my job and housing stability at the same time I was diagnosed, so it's hard to differentiate what's the source of what.

Oh, and I'm not looking for solutions to isolation. I think it's too late for that. I'm just curious if I'm alone in this or if there's at least one other person out there somewhere.

I can certainly identify with the isolation you are experiencing . I wont go into the long story but it became necessary for me to move back to Alabama in 2001 and I was very alone , so very alone .

During that time I found this forum and it helped me to not feel so isolated and bit more connected until I could work through some issues and rejoin the human race . I hope you use this forum for the support you need until things improve for you and then to offer the same support to others , I promise you , you are not alone .

As far as the brat issue , just be able to take what you dish out because there are many here up to the challenge LOL ... better yet just be yourself and expect the same .

hi oks,yes i know the isolation all so well. Sounds like you and i are in the same boat. i dont have many folks that i talk to or hand out with. its depressing really to honest. Old friends mention that i dont go out and be social anymore. i work, go to gym, come home, sleep and repeat..

i dont like hanging at the bars, dont like crowds of people. making friends here is very difficult oddly enough. so i can understand your feeling. i've cut out and off a lot of folks from my life including my family. i make time for them to visit, but not for long. it just seems there is nothing to talk about with them.

I've been giving friends excuses as to why I can't hang out. I find myself getting a little angry at times because I feel like I've been robbed of my life.

Some of my friends respect my wishes and others think I've changed to walk the straight and narrow.

I've really only ever had just a few friends anyways and live a solitary life outside of work.

Ultimately, I am making the decision to isolate myself and keep my status confidential.

I need time to figure things out and get help for all that is so new to me. I've just started my medication this week and I definitely don't want to be around people while I am adjusting to everything.

Next thing is to find a therapist that will help me overcome my anxiety and figure out what my new life and new ambitions will be.

I'm very thankful for this site and all the wonderful people who offer support.Were all here to learn and grow and rise above it all.~hugs~

Hey oks, mikey, westside...Right now you guys are in a bad place and isolation is the WORST thing for you and I feel each of you folks is smart enough to realize that. I was in an awful place, physically, mentally and spiritually after my roommate died 18 years ago this month. I stopped eating anything nutritious or at all. I lost a great deal of weight and when I was hospitalized with PCP pneumonia again in 1995 I was in a terrible place.

The cocktail of meds I started in 1996 changed things alot, I gained 40 pounds, got back to the gym and regained self respect. Loss of job or the sanctuary of your home is awful but you simply have to do all you can to overcome that. Be your own advocate and end your loneliness, it is a terrible poverty.

I'd very much recommend joining a support group and go every week no matter what. It can be a very therapeutic option that works well toward restoring your place in the world and all you bright guys have to offer.

Jody

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"Wake up to find out that you are the eyes of the world". "Try to discover that you are the song that the morning brings."

While I am by no means isolated, I understand the compulsion to shut the door on everyone and retreat to my man-cave.

Oks: You said you always wanted that, to be more social than you are, but that it's not in the cards for everyone. I can't imagine you really believe that. Humans are deeply social creatures, we crave social interactions and some of the most debilitating behaviors on our psychology have to do with social isolation. We gain so much from our interactions with others. I'm not saying that 'me time' isn't necessary, I love time away by myself. But I often find reasons why I don't want to do something, rationalizing a way out because of fear. I don't know you at all, but I want you to be connected. Maybe, like Jody suggested, you could join a support group. Maybe in that you can find something powerful in the common struggles you share with those people. I don't think it's ever too late to change a behavior but it does require you to step outside of your comfort zone and lean into the discomfort.

Feel free to send me a PM if you want someone to share you lab results with.

"The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true art and all science. He to whom this emotion is a stranger, who can no longer pause to wonder and stand rapt in awe, is as good as dead: his eyes are closed." -A. Einstein

I think some of you misunderstood. It's not that I don't have "many" friends or that I've cut people out. There's no one. It's not that I've pulled away from people. There is no one to pull away from. I have no connections, no friends, no family. So, it seems like it might just be me in this situation. :P I'm not sure why I asked. Misery loves company?

And I'm definitely not being shy about being +. I'm not the least ashamed or even all that upset about it. Hello, world. HIV+ homo here. ;)

Oks: You said you always wanted that, to be more social than you are, but that it's not in the cards for everyone. I can't imagine you really believe that. Humans are deeply social creatures, we crave social interactions and some of the most debilitating behaviors on our psychology have to do with social isolation. We gain so much from our interactions with others. I'm not saying that 'me time' isn't necessary, I love time away by myself. But I often find reasons why I don't want to do something, rationalizing a way out because of fear.

Yeah, I'd love to be connected. I'm not trying to get "me time". ;) I'm aware of the benefits of being with people. It's just not a possibility for everyone. I don't know anyone. I long ago alienated anyone who would know me, and there's no real way to meet people anymore. I also don't want to go through the whole cycle again. THanks, though. :)

I'd very much recommend joining a support group and go every week no matter what. It can be a very therapeutic option that works well toward restoring your place in the world and all you bright guys have to offer.

Thanks, but not for me. I went to an art therapy group thing at GMHC last week. I thought I was gonna vomit the whole time, and left knowing I ruined it for everyone else. It took me two days to get over that. ;) And I'm sure they all think I'm some kind of snob. One guy asked for a pen, and I had one in my hand. I just sat there, couldn't do it. Another guy tapped me on the shoulder, and I thought I was gonna knock the table over, I jumped so hard.

I've been giving friends excuses as to why I can't hang out. I find myself getting a little angry at times because I feel like I've been robbed of my life.

Some of my friends respect my wishes and others think I've changed to walk the straight and narrow.

I've really only ever had just a few friends anyways and live a solitary life outside of work.

Ultimately, I am making the decision to isolate myself and keep my status confidential. ~hugs~

Yeah, you misunderstood. I'm 100% fine with being HIV+. I'd go on the news and shout it. I don't really care. ;) It's not that I'm pulling away from friends. I have none. ;) I'm a very unlikable guy. I've tried, but it doesn't work. And at this point, it's too late to meet new people. A 36-year-old guy is stuck with what he's got.

hi oks,yes i know the isolation all so well. Sounds like you and i are in the same boat. i dont have many folks that i talk to or hand out with. its depressing really to honest. Old friends mention that i dont go out and be social anymore. i work, go to gym, come home, sleep and repeat..

i dont like hanging at the bars, dont like crowds of people. making friends here is very difficult oddly enough. so i can understand your feeling. i've cut out and off a lot of folks from my life including my family. i make time for them to visit, but not for long. it just seems there is nothing to talk about with them.

Nope. Misunderstood. I haven't cut anyone out. I'm not isolating myself. I have no friends to cut out. ;)

Wow!...that sure sounds familiar.I find myself withdrawing from all aspects of life. I don't like being this way but at the same time this seems the safest place for me. Try to keep myself busy but the loneliness is sometimes overwhelming.

Admitting that you wanted to "vomit" the whole time you were at that art therapy group, and freezing up when someone asked you for a pen, to me indicates anxiety. And there is anxiety involved when you've been isolated then take a step back out into the world of people. If there were no anxiety and this was "normal" for you, you would not have had the feeling of needing to vomit when around people. You would have left because you figured you really didn't want to be around people, not from having the nauseous feeling, or freezing up.

I know you say you are totally alone and that seems normal for you, but I would suggest you getting into therapy. Access it through GMHC or another ASO in that area. Just the fact you had anxiety signals something's not right. That's just my suggestion, of course you can take it or leave it.

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I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

I feel that everyone has choices. It's probably easier to say you dont and that theres nothing you can do about your situation, but that just doesnt seem true. It seems to me like what you really need is to talk to someone, a psychologist or therapist. It seems like you're unhappy about being so isolated but that you've put up some very strong blocks and have developed some kind of social anxiety. Having no one in your life is not good for you, especially in a huge city like New York. I'd suggest going to the GMHC or another center and getting in touch with a therapist.

There is absolutely no one that I could call right now to draw close to again. My address book is empty. Completely. It's not the same.

I was just curious if anyone else was in this situation, but it got all muddied. :-/ I'll withdraw and let you guys have this thread. I don't see any way I could reclaim it at this point.

Nope ! . Its your thread and its also the first step in a direction to get some names in your address book even if its online contacts .

I can look back and see some paths I willingly and unwillingly went down that led to my isolation and an empty address book so I'm naturally a curious guy and would love to hear more about how you find your self here asking these questions . Why is it that you find yourself alone ?

I know you say you are totally alone and that seems normal for you, but I would suggest you getting into therapy. Access it through GMHC or another ASO in that area. Just the fact you had anxiety signals something's not right. That's just my suggestion, of course you can take it or leave it.

Yeah, no, I have horrible anxiety. It was never in question. I've got tons of diagnoses; whatever was "in" in any given year. Psychiatrists are terribly lazy people. I think I was "bipolar" last. Hehehe... Or borderline personality? I get them mixed. Whichever one was big in 2009 or so.

I feel that everyone has choices. It's probably easier to say you dont and that theres nothing you can do about your situation, but that just doesnt seem true. It seems to me like what you really need is to talk to someone, a psychologist or therapist. It seems like you're unhappy about being so isolated but that you've put up some very strong blocks and have developed some kind of social anxiety. Having no one in your life is not good for you, especially in a huge city like New York. I'd suggest going to the GMHC or another center and getting in touch with a therapist.

Yeah, I'm unhappy about it, but there's nothing to be done. You can't "choose" to make people like you or to make yourself tolerable.

I've seen therapists for years and been on every drug imaginable. Well, that's an exaggeration, but, my point is, I'm not new at this. Some things are the way they and that's just the way it is.

I don’t post a lot here, but I kept coming back to this thread – there is something here that just doesn’t fit for me, and perhaps a little piece of myself in your writing.

I guess what hits me is the underlying self-dislike, yet seeing that you are a compassionate person (in this and other threads). As much as you don’t want us to see it – you can be a likeable guy. I get the sense that there is something underneath that hasn’t been addressed – there is some unfinished business underneath your hard outer core – and it is easier to push people away than it is to deal with the underlying issue.

My own experience was that I had some bad stuff happen as a kid, which caused me to have “distant” and “superficial” relationships as an adult. I had one too many relationships fail, and deep down I knew why but would never admit it to anyone. After that relationship ended I went to counseling every week for about eight months and didn’t tell the counselor why I was really there – I knew I had to bring it up, but couldn’t. The day I told her was like this huge load was lifted off my psyche – the next few years were an emotional roller coaster and took a lot of work, but it has been very, very good.

I may be way off base, and I don’t have any magic advice other than to say at some point you may decide to change your life, but you will have to want to change it.

I guess what hits me is the underlying self-dislike, yet seeing that you are a compassionate person (in this and other threads). As much as you don’t want us to see it – you can be a likeable guy. I get the sense that there is something underneath that hasn’t been addressed – there is some unfinished business underneath your hard outer core – and it is easier to push people away than it is to deal with the underlying issue.

My own experience was that I had some bad stuff happen as a kid, which caused me to have “distant” and “superficial” relationships as an adult.

Ah, thanks. That's a nice thing to say. Anyone can sound normal on a forum, though. ;) One or two people have even found me charming, and I was even married once, if you can believe it, poor sap. I think it's important to recognize your flaws, though and one of mine is that underneath everything I'm a pretty lousy person. I do try, but it's just not sustainable. There really is no sub-text here. It's just lousy all the way down. :)

Yeah, of course I was winkwinknudgenudge, but that was like 30 years ago. I haven't known many people who weren't. ;) I don't really have any issues with that, I don't think. Sorry if I misunderstood, and I hope you're OK with that stuff now. I just realized when I say things like "I don't have any problem being HIV+" it sort of invalidates people who are having a hard time with it.

Now that everything is settled, though, being HIV+ really hasn't changed much of anything. I guess it will when I get sicker, but right now, nah. Like everybody else, I had stuff going on before HIV, and some of that is taking precedence in my worry center. ;) Maybe I'll freak out about HIV later, but the only thing that bugged me for a bit (like 2 weeks) was that I felt toxic. Then I realized it's kinda cool because now I match on the inside and out. ;) I don't think anyone here will find that as amusing as I do. :P

OK, you're right. I'm not really in any position to try to take care of this problem at the moment, so it's going to have to go on hold. Maslow and his hierarchy are biting at my ankles.

I realize I'm doing that bratty thing. I'm not doing it on purpose, but that's no excuse for doing it. Sorry to anybody I was snarky with.

It's going to be a tough week ahead, but it's all administrative, so hopefully you'll forgive me for being irritating earlier:Therapist (who I suspect is over me)Doctor (who I know is over me)One more attempt at a group meeting, if I'm allowed after last week (terrifying)Starting shelter intake in the morning (yikes)Moving out of my current living space (no one moved in, I paid for another week, a reprieve)Tossing most of my belongings (this is good, but it's hard to do triage on your things)Finding a weekly rental of some kind by Thursday (please) so I don't need the shelterand looking for a new job

The "looking for a new job" task keeps getting short changed. I've only sent out a few resumes. I should've done dozens after a whole month of being unemployed. All the postings just seem out of my reach, and I've been in no condition to do interviews lately, but that's a lame excuse. And what did I do all day today? I edited a music video, wrote poetry (jesus christ) and worked on an app I've been wanting to build before 2014. Very practical. Very good use of time.

Yes I feel isolated. The only person I speak to on a regular basis is my father. He lives 1300 miles away and I call him every day. Usually go to visit him around Christmas but didn't go this year.

I had one good friend but we had a falling out and he is holding a grudge and won't speak to me. It's been about 5 months and it still makes me sad. I try to make new friends and go to a social group once a week. I've become acquaintances with some of them but have not found a friend. I also try to go out to a bar a few times a month.

I am a loner by nature but don't really want to be all the time. At least I"m an optimist and think that things can only get better. Most of the time everything seems overwhelming. My apartment has not had a good cleaning in so long I'm thinking it's better to just move and clean it as I clear everything out. That's what was good about my former friend, he would come over maybe once a month for dinner and a movie so that forced me to clean the place.

The best thing is that choreographically I love where I live because of the mild winter and the gay community nearby. So at least with that aspect I know that I would be miserable if I had stayed in the northeast.

« Last Edit: February 04, 2013, 01:25:52 AM by LiveWithIt »

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Pray God you can copeI know you have a little life in you yet. I know you have a lot of strength left.

Oh, man. I just spent 15 minutes crying and listening to Kate Bush because of your tag line:

Pray God you can copeI know you have a little life in you yet. I know you have a lot of strength left.

Crying's good, so no worries. The last and best friend I had and I released an EP dedicated to Kate Bush and had a Hounds of Love / Bach mashup on another one. She's all tied up in this big grand sense of empty that hits me sometimes. And she pops up at the weirdest moments.

I wasn't crying over HIV. Kate Bush has always made me cry. Theophany is powerful stuff.

Now that I have some security in getting medication, the HIV really doesn't affect me negatively in any immediate sense. Well, the Stribild side effects aren't fun, but I mean, it's nothing like what all the people before dealt with. That was some bravery right there. It barely feels like the same disease.

I feel like I should be more upset, but I'm just not. There are some abstract negatives: I can't live in Russia anymore, I'm probably aging faster, but I don't know. It just seems fine to me. At least I don't have to worry about contracting HIV anymore. Hehehe.

Of course, maybe I'm speaking too soon? Or is it possible that nowadays it really is just like diabetes after all... ? Or am I jinxing myself to something horrible by not being more upset?

Of course, maybe I'm speaking too soon? Or is it possible that nowadays it really is just like diabetes after all... ? Or am I jinxing myself to something horrible by not being more upset?

It is very different now than when I got infected, and even I was lucky that protease inhibitors came out around the time I got sick.

I feel isolated in general, not due to HIV, actually HIV has given me a connection to a support group where I met some nice people. I just have trouble making friends or even clicking with people sometimes, I also have trouble finding someone to date.

« Last Edit: February 04, 2013, 03:36:28 AM by LiveWithIt »

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Pray God you can copeI know you have a little life in you yet. I know you have a lot of strength left.

Oh, Lord, I gave up on dating long before HIV. It's good that you were able to meet up with a support group. What part of the world are you in?

It's different than it was (or at least than it seemed to be) even just a few years ago. I have so much admiration for the people who cleared this path. I guess it's not cleared, but it's a lot easier to walk that it would've been...

You're killing me with the Kate Bush! I'm also a sucker for Aerial, Cloudbusting, Army Dreamers, Babooshka, Sat in Your Lap , uh, I'll stop there... But if you haven't seen this Cirque du Soleil Aerial performance, take a minute: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9M8bpPL6FUI

OK, sorry to drag it out, but jmarksto is right, and that leads to a new question. Thanks to anyone who knows anything about this stuff.

So, I decided I should at least look into what records I have to know where I left off in the past. Some people seem proud of their diagnoses, and some are ashamed. Deep down, I think it's all psychobabble, so I don't feel anything except kind of amused. It feels like they just make it up as they go along. However, that's probably not a helpful attitude.

So, technically I have a diagnosis of Bipolar I. We were looking into the possibility that it was actually BPD when I quit, but I don't know how serious that was or if it was serious at all. It seems to fit more with what I experience, whereas bipolar just feels wrong completely. But that's like shopping for a diagnosis, which can't possibly be a good thing. I kind of feel like if I'm that nuts, I wouldn't be able to rationally think it through. I'd be, you know, doing crazy stuff somewhere else instead of this.

Anyway, my question: I'm seeing a therapist, but to be honest, I had sneaky motives. I started seeing him because it gave me access to GMHC, and I like GMHC. But regardless, it's done. Does it make sense to try to pick up where I left off with the psychiatrist or does it make more sense to just start fresh and do just this therapy thing right now? He knows about all this stuff from the past, but I hadn't looked up the details or talked about it with anything but derision. I can't read him, so I have no idea what he thinks, though I have a sneaking suspicion he thinks I'm faking it for attention. Actually, I think most people think that. Lalala.

I have no idea what would be the best way to move forward: leverage past info or toss it out and start anew. I don't expect free medical advice, but if anyone knows anything about how this is supposed to work, I'd appreciate a tip. My only strong feeling is that I want to avoid psychopharmaceutical drugs at all costs.

Anyway, thanks for letting this thread run its course. In retrospect, I might have been looking for permission to re-open this. :-/ I didn't mean to use you all to get here. Sorry. I try not to be manipulative, but I don't I'm doing it until it's too late. It seems like in all my actions there are always "other" motives that I'm not aware until they unfold. Blah.

Lots of people down the psychopharmaceuticals, but not me. I have BPMD, and that stuff has changed my life totally for the better. I used to spend a lot of time isolated, smoking loads of crack and crystal and whatnot...basically self-medicating without really understanding that that was what I was doing.

I now, for the time being at least and hopefully for the long haul, am much more stabilized, have a FT job, am much less isolated and am even dating a cute little dark haired boy.

PS: There are almost always multiple motives behind actions, if you ask me. Just because there is some self interest doesn't make it nefarious.

Anyway, thanks for letting this thread run its course. In retrospect, I might have been looking for permission to re-open this. :-/ I didn't mean to use you all to get here. Sorry. I try not to be manipulative, but I don't I'm doing it until it's too late. It seems like in all my actions there are always "other" motives that I'm not aware until they unfold. Blah.

Hey Oksikoko,

In this forum, your thread is what you want to make of it, or to use it for some purpose. I'm not going to judge what you think and feel, nor how you need to process your thoughts, because I am not you. I want you to know that there are folks here who care deeply about what you are going through, because you are doing it for all to see, whereas many folks here only read the forums, but that doesn't mean they don't share the same thoughts and feelings as you might.

That being said, we are here for you, in whatever capacity you need and it seems to me, that what you really need right now are connections with people, no matter the source. I'm in my 29th year of being poz and I suffer from major mental illness issues, so I can empathize with how you might feel and I see a lot of the old me in your words. I remember how I thought that blocking the entire world from my doorstep was the way to live my life and eventually I found out how horribly wrong I was.

I always had a revulsion to mental health issues and treatment, until my life got so bad, that I had to try something to walk back from the edge. Maybe what I learned can help you. Let's start with your mental health, because you seem confused as to the role of a psychiatrist and a therapist. Mental illness usually involves some form of chemical imbalance within the brain that prevents us from perceiving reality and processing information clearly. A psychiatrist can help you determine what types of problems you are having and suggest drugs that can help restore your brains chemical balances, which is necessary for therapy to be effective. If you are unable to think clearly or process information, therapy will be of little help, because you are simply unable to take advantage of all that it offers.

I would ask that you talk with your psychiatrist again and take a copy of this thread if you need to, to help explain what it is you are experiencing. Personally, I think your anxiety is your biggest obstacle right now and please understand that any drug regime for mental illness does not mean it is forever. Mental illness is just that: illness of the mind and just as you treat your HIV, you may need to treat your mental issues with some form of drug therapy and until you do that, you will never be able to help yourself as you seem to want to do.

I would suggest the same for your therapist, again take a copy of this and let them read it and then go from there. You seem to want to help yourself, so stop making excuses for what doesn't work and find something that does work. Therapy is one of the things in life that you only get out of it, what you put into it. Your therapist is not there to judge you and feelings are neither good nor bad, they just are. It's the actions that some feelings enable that can cause issues, so your goal is to understand what you feel, which feelings you do not like or believe to be harmful to you and find ways to confront those feelings.

There's so much more that I could share with regards to mental illness issues, but then all of our eyes would glaze over and that's not my goal here. Something tells me that you are making some connections here and that is a very good thing. I say that, because I believe that a source of so much of your angst is the fact that you are simply unable to love yourself and that lack of faith in you, allows you to believe that you are unworthy of love or friendship and that isolation is your only choice.

From what you have shared, I see a man who has simply lost his way. For whatever reasons you have convinced yourself that you must live your life alone and I'm not sure if even you believe this, deep down inside. The question now becomes, is this how you want to live the rest of your life? I suspect it isn't and hopefully being here, will help you to find the strength you need, to help you, to help yourself.

All I know is that if you are unable to love yourself, you will never be able to love another, nor see how much you have to offer to others, once you stop disliking yourself.

If you ever need someone to talk with, please don't hesitate to contact me. As I said, I empathize with what you are experiencing and you do not have to go through this alone.

You appear likable and are very young ! It is lucky HIV has not been a huge burden for you , I can't be any further away on that topic . I live with my husband of over 30 years , He is NEG . We live in a small Township of 57 people . Often I am bored to death , Even wishing Death were coming . Isolation is an awful thing to live with , But being warm and full of food is good too . I had to google the Gay Mens Heath Center , I'm sure it is a fun place , as is all of New York Been a long time ago I was Bar hopping in the Village . I hope you find a good therapist to speak with , I had one in Saint Louis for a few years , she retired and a Clown to her place . So now I have no real outlet . My husband does not deal with talk of depression or sadness or really anything I have also been diagnosed with all the hip mental issues of the day . I gave up and just tell people I'm crazy and they tend to believe me . Well Hope all goes well for you , I did notice you comment about getting sick from AIDS ? I rather doubt you need worry , I have been POZ almost as long as you been alive . So far so good .

Weasel

P.S. I can not blame lonesomeness on our small town as I lived in Brooklyn for two years and was lonely every night . And 30 years of Las Vegas did not help much either ...

Hey, thunter. So you meant you 'downed' them as in 'dismissed' them, and you're fine or you 'downed' them as in you 'took' them? It's funny how that one word changes how I understand your entire post, hehe. Either way, it sounds like things are going well now.

Hey, killfoile, thanks for the thorough response. I see your point, that if it's chemical and I'm not processing information correctly, therapy won't help. To be honest, I feel that way already about therapy regardless, but I'm going with it because it's someone to talk to. haha, poor guy has to listen to me for AN HOUR. I'm pretty sure that my perception of reality is screwed up because what I'm experiencing never seems to match up with everybody else, not by a long shot. I wish I could say that it's possible I'm right and they're wrong, but that's just silly. My memory and I are both very unreliable narrators, and I would trust another person's version of a story any day, even if I'm pretty sure I remember it and was there.

With that said, here's the scary part: "A psychiatrist can help you determine what types of problems you are having and suggest drugs that can help restore your brains chemical balances, which is necessary for therapy to be effective." The last time I tired this, it went pretty badly. I'm kind of in this alone, and my head, as sorry as it is, is the only thing I have to depend on. I don't really trust that psychiatrists have my interest, as opposed to their own research or hobbies or whatever it is that attracts them to playing with people's heads, as their primary motivation, and with no one else around, they'd be free to jerk my chain however they wanted. Who'd stop them or care what they did? Some people just like kicking weak people, and I can be a lot of fun to kick. Sometimes I'm practically begging for it. Not good. :-/ The effects of a lot of psych drugs aren't reversible, and I'm jsut scared, I guess. It's easier to live in a familiar misery than take a chance on getting a chemical lobotomy. I'm a hair's breath away from being ward of the state #7594 that no one would ever hear from again. If I'm gonna just 'disappear', I'd rather take myself out, you know. A bad fate over which I have control is better than one flew over the cuckoo's nest.

"I would ask that you talk with your psychiatrist again "

I don't have one, and I'm not sure I can get one, but I'll ask. My therapist knows all of this stuff. I even told him that I felt like I was manipulating him, but for what purpose I don't know, and he seems OK with that. More OK with it than I am. I find it a little terrifying that my head has motivations that I'm not privy too and can't evaluate the ethics of. :-/ It's meaningless psycho-babble, that last sentence, so I'm not sure what I mean by it.

Hey, Weasel! Greetings from the Big Apple. I wouldn't say that GMHC is 'fun', per se, but, yeah, I'm lucky it's here. Maybe they're just humoring me, but it's the only place so far since things fell apart where I feel like someone is actually hearing what I'm trying to say. Even if it's a problem they can't help with, everyone I've talked to there still acknowledges that, yes, this problem exists, and you're not imagining it. Sometimes it's 'you may be making this a bigger problem than it is" and sometimes it's "let me ask someone I know who deals with this stuff'. But it's something, and you can't put a price on that.

this thread is depressing! and this has nothing to do with hiv. go do something with your life! go join a cause. figure out what your passionate about and volunteer. life is a gift and there Is no excuse to spend it alone, self loathing everyday... and if people don't like you, you need to be nicer or more open to others. go see a therapist they can help!

this thread is depressing! and this has nothing to do with hiv. go do something with your life! go join a cause. figure out what your passionate about and volunteer. life is a gift and there Is no excuse to spend it alone, self loathing everyday... and if people don't like you, you need to be nicer or more open to others. go see a therapist they can help!

this thread is depressing! and this has nothing to do with HIV. go do something with your life! go join a cause. figure out what your passionate about and volunteer. life is a gift and there Is no excuse to spend it alone, self loathing everyday... and if people don't like you, you need to be nicer or more open to others. go see a therapist they can help!

I think the OP reaching out in this way is far from depressing and he is doing something with his life that's very important , and that's learning how to cope and live with HIV . I understand you mean well offering advice but the guy is without a job , newly poz and in danger of losing the roof over his head . I remind you of this because its probably not a good time to be volunteering when he is trying to cope with multiple issues . There are times in life when people need unconditional support and telling them to suck it up and be sweet seems a bit simplistic if not down right insensitive . I applaud his honesty and hope he sticks around during this tough time .

this thread is depressing! and this has nothing to do with hiv. go do something with your life! go join a cause. figure out what your passionate about and volunteer. life is a gift and there Is no excuse to spend it alone, self loathing everyday... and if people don't like you, you need to be nicer or more open to others. go see a therapist they can help!

Excuse you!?? What in the world makes you think that you can just post this sort of tripe? Couldn't you have said this in a way that was not as judgmental (or plain nasty)? This is one of those instances where if you have nothing of value to say you should simply shut the fuck up.

I applaud his honesty and hope he sticks around during this tough time .

That makes two of us, Jeff.

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"I have tried hard--but life is difficult, and I am a very useless person. I can hardly be said to have an independent existence. I was just a screw or a cog in the great machine I called life, and when I dropped out of it I found I was of no use anywhere else."

this thread is depressing! and this has nothing to do with hiv. go do something with your life! go join a cause. figure out what your passionate about and volunteer. life is a gift and there Is no excuse to spend it alone, self loathing everyday... and if people don't like you, you need to be nicer or more open to others. go see a therapist they can help!

Be nicer and more open to others, you say?

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"Many people, especially in the gay community, turn to oral sex as a safer alternative in the age of AIDS. And with HIV rates rising, people need to remember that oral sex is safer sex. It's a reasonable alternative."

this thread is depressing! and this has nothing to do with hiv. go do something with your life! go join a cause. figure out what your passionate about and volunteer. life is a gift and there Is no excuse to spend it alone, self loathing everyday... and if people don't like you, you need to be nicer or more open to others. go see a therapist they can help!

Ah, yes. AIDS and mental health are all such bring downs, aren't they? We should just stick to talking about the Real Housewives of Wherever or somethign, right? Yeesh.

This subject matter can have EVERYTHING to do with HIV - or at least a lot to do with it. If I hadn't been in the throws of BPMD, I most likely would have never been infected because I would have had more wherewithal to take better guard for myself. Maybe, maybe not - but quite possibly.

I don't find this thread depressing at all. At the moment, I think it's one of the better threads going - because it's REAL. It's not glossed over.

Oh...and to oksikoko: Yeah, I meant other people dismiss the meds, but not me because they have changed my life totally for the good. I would not discount actual talk therapy as well, though. My next appt for that is next Monday. I've learned - the hard way - to take my mental health needs every bit as seriously as my physical ones...and without shame of any kind.

My initial reaction to your response to my post was sadness, because you seem to believe that you have no valid options, or that nothing you can do, can ever help you. You have convinced yourself that the world is comprised of mean, spiteful and hateful people, who live to inflict misery on others. You believe this so completely that you have internalized these traits and no doubt you project these to others.

My offer of help still stands, but sadly I don't think you are ready to do anything to help yourself. You don't have to live like this, but change will never come until you try.

this thread is depressing! and this has nothing to do with hiv. go do something with your life! go join a cause. figure out what your passionate about and volunteer. life is a gift and there Is no excuse to spend it alone, self loathing everyday... and if people don't like you, you need to be nicer or more open to others. go see a therapist they can help!

I can only hope that nobody will post such a thing, in response to your plea for help, should that ever occur. The OP has expressed real issues, in a heart-felt manner, but rather than offering support, you speak as if all of his problems can simply be swept away because you say so.

Next time you chose to respond, try a little empathy, instead of casting judgement. I wonder if you could display the same personal fortitude in the face of the issues the OP faces.

Hey, everyone, thanks for all your messages all the way up to the top of the thread. This guy has a point, though, Self indulgence like what I've been expressing here lately isn't really healthy, though, yeah, snapping out of it isn't an option, and if it is, I've sure wasted a lot of decades on this.

For the record, I do volunteer when I can. I try to pick judiciously, though. My last attempt had a little messiness. I volunteered for an art exhibit HIV/AIDS benefit sort of thing ( http://www.visualaids.org/projects ). It was going OK, because I was just getting the oversized boxes from the back when anyone called out a number. I hadn't been forced to have a conversation or anything traumatic. But then someone asked me to go out on the floor because it got busy. It was getting sort of uncomfortable,but it was OK sort of, and I kept doing it. But we had to get the postcards off the wall without ruining them while the buyer stood right behind us, and the crowd was pretty big, and suddenly I was Carrie and the whole room was throwing tampons. If you don't get the reference, I had a panic attack and had to run out before I lost consciousness or something. I was so ashamed. I didn't even have the decency to let anyone know I was leaving, but I didn't want to make a scene.

I wrote to the person who I had set it up with to explain a few days later. We hadn't really met; this was all by e-mail, but she was a lot more understanding than she needed to be. I'd like to try again some day, but I don't think I'd want to put them in the awkward position of saying, "yeah, uh, no".

You have convinced yourself that the world is comprised of mean, spiteful and hateful people, who live to inflict misery on others. You believe this so completely that you have internalized these traits and no doubt you project these to others.

My offer of help still stands, but sadly I don't think you are ready to do anything to help yourself. You don't have to live like this, but change will never come until you try.

Thanks, Joe. I appreciate it. That first part isn't true, though. Not at all. I can see where you'd think that. No, I think the world is a beautiful place full of beautiful people. The existence of life is amazing, the fact that all my cells pulled together and just "know" how to breathe, how to walk, how to move from here to there is so ridiculously miraculous, that I can't describe it without sounding like a stoner. Sometimes I'm awestruck at moments of kindness shared between people who don't have to do anything for each, but who just do; they jsut come together to do what people do and be what we are.

But I don't have a place in all this beautiful stuff or any comforts among people. Get me in a room with one a person, I mean, and all I know is, they don't want me to be here. This will be a better place if I'm not here. Put me in a room with 5 or 6 people I don't know, and it's all I can do to keep from screaming because all I hear is get out get out get out. we dont'w at you to be here get out get out. I know this isn't real. I'm not completely insane. But it's real at that moment. So I've tried to build a livable world, where I couldn't hurt anyone, and it was working until I lost my job and need insurance at the same time. I could disappear right now, this instant and the impact would be painfully slight, like a leaf on the wind. That's a hard space to live in. That doesn't mean I don't think it's beautiful too. It actually makes it that much harder that I can't share in it. If I thought it was a miserable cesspool, it'd be easier.

I'm mistrustful of psychiatrists, yes. Can't help it. Most people are peaches, though.

I have these moments, where I'd be walking down the street, and suddenly I'm just filled with...something...the sky opens up and it's too much to look at, it's too bright, the air's too crisp, and everything feels perfect, too perfect, and the next thing I know, I'm laughing uncontrollably or crying. It's the same thing difference in those moments. A long time ago, when there were people, someone would ask me, "did you see God again?" It was our little joke - we called it seeing the face of God, but we knew it was just a hiccup of sorts in the brain. No one believes in God anymore, I mean...not really.

It happened less after the doctors came, but it still happened sometimes. It almost never happens anymore. It's more or a memory of something that used to happen. I'm afraid if I do the doctors again, it'll never happen again, and that's one of my favorite things. It makes everything else small and irrelevant, really.

"My offer of help still stands, but sadly I don't think you are ready to do anything to help yourself. "

Fortunately, this isn't quite true, but you wouldn't know that. I am going to individual therapy, which in itself is no small feat. I'm going to more than one group type meeting. They don't always go well, and I'm really worried that I'm making everyone else uncomfortable or am setting back their progress because sometimes I'm visibly uncomfortable, and frankly, it's not fun to watch. But I check in with the various leaders of the groups to be sure it's still OK for me to go back. I go to a few in more than one location, so I think I'm not breaking any confidentiality by saying vague details.

On that note, I can also report that the fact that I'm fine with HIV ended up helping some other people who were having trouble accepting it (I think). When I'm OK, I'm really OK, and I happened to be OK in a small meeting of newly diagnosed people. I actually probably don't belong because HIV is the least of my worries these days, hehe. I forget that some folks have a hard time just being HIV+, and keep it to themselves and are ashamed or whatever. I'm a lot of things, but ashamed of a disease? No way. I really think - based on stuff people said - that my attitude helped them see that HIV is just not a big deal and they don't have to give up their dreams or de-rail their lives just because of this. It felt nice to be the optimist in the room, and I really wish I could pull it off more often. At least I have a good reason to fake it now.

Ok I'm sorry if I let you all down by my post... all I'm trying to do is get this guy to see the world in a positive manner. I'm tired of hearing people feel sorry for themselves. you obviously need to talk to a professional about your issues. anyone talking suicide on an anonymous internet forum needs to talk to a professional. a great life is out there, go get it! I've never felt much compassion for anyone who feels content living life like it's disposable.... live life like you will die tomorrow. go make connections, go have a new experience, do something most people will never do! Find yourself!!!!

Hey, so I'm going to come for a visit and stay with you next week. We'll play charades, maybe some cards, find ourselves. It'll be great. See you at 6 on Monday? Have some dinner ready if you don't mind. And I don't eat red meat. Toodles!

Ok I'm sorry if I let you all down by my post... all I'm trying to do is get this guy to see the world in a positive manner. I'm tired of hearing people feel sorry for themselves. you obviously need to talk to a professional about your issues. anyone talking suicide on an anonymous internet forum needs to talk to a professional. a great life is out there, go get it! I've never felt much compassion for anyone who feels content living life like it's disposable.... live life like you will die tomorrow. go make connections, go have a new experience, do something most people will never do! Find yourself!!!!

This is a support forum so don't surprised when people call you out for saying less than supportive things like . 1. I'm tired of hearing people feel sorry for themselves . 2. I've never felt much compassion .

I think we all need to just ignore soccerboy85 so as not to hijack this thread any more than it has been already , just a suggestion .

Hey there, I completely understand where you are coming from, I think.

I'm not withdrawn, it's just that I live in a very small town/county, the nearest town is an hour away, and therefore not an option.

If anyone has suggestions outside of "support group" or "social activity", I'd love to hear them. Obviously you are not understanding that this is not a choice. I do have some acquaintances, but some of us live in the sticks, where you don't go broadcasting your + status for fear of being run out of the county.

Not everyone can pick up and move to the city, either.

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Poz since 1997Undetectable with no meds for 14 yearsAtripla since 2011 by choiceUndetectable VL, 700 CD4Heart Disease/Heart Attack/Quad Bypass 2005Healthier than most Non-infected folks.

Why isn't driving for an hour an option? I know people who drive an hour to attend my local support group.

I spend nearly an hour in taxis, an hour+ in an airport, and about 30 minutes in a plane (one way, rinse, repeat in the evening) to go to my hiv doctor appointments. Surely an hour's drive once or twice a month to obtain support isn't too much to ask?

"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts