Concertina, CA - (April 3) -
In a series of surprise moves, Apple Computer
Corporation of Concertina, California, has purchased the
violent action figure, Larry Ellison (whose super-power
is the ability to spew non-stop bullshit streams) from
Cheesebro, Ponds Corporation, makers of Cheeseballs or
something, and J.G. Ballard, the author of "Crash," has
bought the Dow Jones Corporation, owners of the Stock
Market, which has, in turn, just bought Apple Computer
Corporation, solely for the purpose of owning the Larry
Ellison action figure. So go figure.

"Maybe this is part of the market correction," said
Rebecca Kramer, a broker for the firm of Kidder-Nobody.
"The market will explore the erotic possibilities of
smash-ups between corporations, for awhile, and then, in
the end, it'll all be, you know, correct."

Pinsky named Doggerel-Laureate

Robert Pinsky, a guy who claims to be a poet yet he
works for Slate, was named Doggerel-Laureate of
the United States, yesterday, in a ceremony held on the
White House lawn, unless it was snowing, in which case
the ceremony was held inside someplace, or maybe there
wasn't even any ceremony to begin with. Who the fuck
knows.

Anyway, Pinksy was chosen for his soulless, pedestrian
doggerel, devoid of feeling or wit, and his utterly
clunky use of language and creepy ideas (sort of the
Suck of the literary world).

When asked how he could now possibly find time to write
another poem or haiku, given all his duties as
Doggerel-Laureate, Pinsky smirked a knowing,
intellectual smirk, and promised us that he'd work night
and day in every spare moment, with every last breath,
during his tenure in office, in order to produce "...at
least one damn good poem about Yogi Berra and a
drosophila or E. coli, or something."

DEC goes rect

Though the myth that the average consumer gives a flying
fuck about picture quality should have been dispelled
long ago by their choice of VHS over Beta, still, with
TV sales flatter than a Wired "idea" piece, consumer
electronics stores need something new to sell. So the
FCC has just pulled a number whereby everybody is forced
to buy a new digital TV in a few years, or else be a
complete loser.

"Though there's zero benefit to the consumer, who has to
buy thousands of dollars in new equipment," said Rebecca
Kramer, a communications analyst with the brokerage of
Kidder-Nobody, "It's comforting to know that, with this
big digital thing sitting in your livingroom, you'll
always be able to get a quick digital rectal exam,
anytime you want."

Wired buys Uranus

According to Disinfoworld and Anti-tainment
Weekly, Bill Cosby, Beverly Sills and Johnny Cash
have formed a new country-ambient group called Cosby,
Sills, and Cash.

Said Sills, about the new group, "We want to appeal to a
wide range of music lovers. From the lush who sits
around listening to the Stones -- to the guy who sits
around stoned, listening to Lush."

Celebrities Join Ranks of Recently Mass Suicided

Who cares. Gates, Ellison, McNealy, Andreessen,
Barksdale, whoever, Steven Segal, blah blah,
Scwarzennegar, Rosie O'Donnell, Pat Buchanan, Demi
Moore, Bruce Willis, etc. etc., they all felt this
mysterious force move deep inside them that somehow
connected them to the mass suicide thing and they all
fucking killed themselves. Now all their businesses and
TV shows and movies are like, gone, ended, over,
disappeared. And who gives a fuck.

The suicides were found with stacks of old Wired
magazines beside their dead bodies, and gray matter
splattered all over the wall. Apparently they'd all
killed themselves by reading Wired till the bullshit detector
in their brains exploded (approximately 10 minutes).

Wired buys Wired

In Denmark, a group of young thin lesbian heroin addicts
has started an online zine called "Tarantino's Next
Film," which will try to dominate the niche for online
zines whose editors and publishers and writers and
designers run around endlessly making lots of noise, but
which, in the end, never really come out, or even
bother being designed.