This is where you will find some of my thoughts on my love of writing and my journey in writing my first book.
Also how I live with not only being bipolar, but also with anxiety/panic disorder or live with chronic illness.
I just wanted to allow you a small glimpse into my world.

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Monday, March 13, 2017

Chains

Tables
turning, new thoughts rush through my mind. Where will my journey take me?
Questions chase me; trying to distract me. Hide and seek; we play, my demons
and I. Turn a corner and there they are.

When
the dust settles where will I be? What will I find when I gaze in the mirror.
Will it even be me? Jagged memories of nightmares found while awake. They tease
me with insanity. I try to make myself small, thinking if they can't see me,
that they may not find me. They pass by, and I rise. Too late I don't see they
tricked me. They were waiting just on the other side.

They
hold me, restrain me. The chains bound tight. I scream, but no one hears. I am
drowning in my own tears. Exhaustion sways me, I lose track to whether it is
night or day. Day by day, week by week I lay bound; worn out from trying to
escape. Do I even have any fight left?
My spirit gone. A wisp is all you will find of who I used to be. Beaten
down, and worthless. A raggedy doll am I.

My
eyes follow the progress of a shadow across the floor. Do I look up to see who
the owner be? Do I care, lost in despair? No rescue for me. No one is looking,
nobody cares. I am wasted, used, and abused. Nothing worth saving left.

A
gentle hand, a kind word at this point would wreck me. My heart would shatter,
I would feel as if I died. A hug would be my downfall. All left, but a single
tear. Everything left of the woman who once stood here. The woman who only
asked for someone to hear. Who sought some tenderness, some joy? In this cold,
cold world.

I
feel a touch, it is warm. I can feel the concern. Good to know, I still have
empathy. I can still can feel. I glance up, but all I see is an outline with
the bright light behind. I hear a click as the chains fall free. I am scared to
move, scared it is all a dream. My tears fall once again. I thought I had cried
them all away. I was so wrong. My hair is pushed out of my face. A wet cloth
touches my brow. I hear words spoken, what do they say? That it will be okay. That
healing is on its way.

I
feel the touch of something I haven't felt for so long. I think I must be
mistaken. I think that I am not right. Do I believe it, do I dare? The seedling
being planted. To grow within me day by day.
Do I feel the beginnings of hope, do I believe in it once more?

I
stand on the threshold of a new tomorrow. A new view. I am able now to stand on
my own two feet. To look up, and focus on what my future holds. Strong in my
thoughts and actions. My demons corralled once more. The end of my bleak night. A new joy I have
found. New horizons spread out before me. My chains broken in pieces, litter
the floor. I have come out on the other side, and I am glad to be alive.