Gruber watched the Alan Partridge trailer on his mobile device. Despite the grimace on his face, he wasn’t disappointed (Picture: 20th Century Fox)

Another day, another trailer for everyone’s favourite Time magazine reader Hans Gruber to get his teeth into. This time he’s watched the trailer for Alan Partridge: Alpha Papa. Thank goodness they rammed that title down our throats in the teaser trailer. Let’s hear what the Die Hard villain made of it. Happy trails, Hans…

‘Alan Partridge, eh? Who is he, another orphan of a bankrupt culture who thinks he’s John Wayne? Rambo? Marshal Dillon? Oh, no, he’s a radio DJ. Norwich looks nice. Ha! Colm Meaney! He was in Die Hard 2. You know, the Die Hard that followed mine? Looks like Mr Partridge is most troublesome, for a radio DJ. And he’s caught up in a siege. I’ve had some experience with those myself. He wants a helicopter – good move, I have experience of those too. He will need to ask Colm Meaney for the detonators if he wants to get anywhere.

This Partridge character really is Siege Face. He asks the big questions too – I’m not sure I’ve ever met a genuinely clever bus driver. One man, one goal.. nice use of Queen there. Fleetwood Mac and Queen in one trailer, this film cannot possibly be bad. Although it could do with the F… B… I… making an appearance and trying to take over the siege.

A middle-aged woman with bad hair? A man in a cardigan rather than a vest as the saviour in a hostage crisis? Colm Meaney is right: it is weird. But it looks fantastic.’

VERDICT: THANK YOU, MR COWBOY, I’LL TAKE IT UNDER ADVISEMENT

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