How to Talk Politics Without Being Political

I have always been force-fed all this animosity about politics and how you shouldn’t talk about them because, well you know exactly why. Say you’re sitting around watching the game and somebody brings up George Bush, and somebody else in the room loves Barack Obama. Let’s just say there isn’t going to be any more game, but a bunch of people squabbling over who said what and where in the Bible it says this and blah blah blah.

Well, you know what?

This is true.

I actually agree with that. That situation will happen in most collegiate-minded young adults from time to time.

But I will say this: I don’t actually agree with my agreeing.*

I’ll explain.

Why does anybody get wrapped up in these debates and forums and political cartoons? What? Nobody talks about political cartoons anymore?

Anywhoooo, is it so you can feel American? I’ve felt more American watching the last Rambo, and especially more American when he’s sitting atop heavy artillery mowing down the Burmese.

You can circumvent any minor threat toward my logic you want, the point is this. I’m never going to get enthused enough to begrudge my fellow man over a couple diplomats pretending and placating over my vote: which probably doesn’t mean a whole lot. Why replace meaningful relationships with fake relationships with politicians?

How to Talk Politics

Interesting question, and before you throw away your best friend because he enjoys tofu and the newest iPhone, run through these steps first:

Step 1. Look at your state.

I live in Rhode Island.

We haven’t produced four measly electoral votes since 1984, and only twice since the 1950s.

On a town-to-town basis, only three of 39 towns voted Republican in 2004, and only one in 2008 when President Obama was elected.

The last point on my state. It carries only four electoral votes. There are 538 total electoral votes, making us worth .7%, which is basically nothing, but not nothing exactly, but almost, pretty much. I mean, when it comes down to it, we’re as important as Idaho.

I’m not saying don’t vote. I’m just saying if you’re in a crummy political state (pun intended), you have no reason to get animated and ruin friendships, unless….

Step 2. Look at your friend.

Really look at him. Or her (even if you have to go to a binder to find her). Do they bring this kind of thing up a lot? Does a cup of froyo spark a conversation about the unemployment level?

If so, disregard Step 1 and move right to your own personal impeachment process.

Do they whine about not getting enough aid from the government, but disregard political affiliation? Do they ask if you watched the debate, but add they flipped back and forth between that and the Tigers/Yankees?

If so, keep them.

Are they posting on Facebook the same things they’re saying to you in person? Word for word?

If so, dismiss immediately. If not, don’t argue with them, just say, “Oh, I didn’t catch it, I was too busy watching Verlander make Girardi cry.”

Do they argue with other people over politics, but avoid those conversations with you?

That’s a good friend. A keeper.

Last point: You never see old people argue over politics. You just hear grumblings about wars and the youth ruining America. You know why? Because young people suck and represent a degenerative future they helped build, and wars are about life and death.

Put them together and you have an angst-ridden old fart griping about how he risked his life for a crummy generation. This is more important to them than superman coming into political office and having the other political party crumble his hopes and
dreams. That is true, unless they bring up Medicare, or whatever it is they need for broken hips.

Realize that my posting about how to talk politics is actually being political and, in a sense, means I disagree with my agreeing.

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