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Saturday, June 2, 2012

A Hooters REVELATION

I just went to this upscale lingerie store today. My goal was to hopefully find a strapless bra for when I wear a dress to a wedding in July. And technically, I did, but FORGET THAT.

Strapless bras were invented by SATAN.

My god. Let's talk about strapless bras for a second: could they BE more hideous?!? I can't think of anything less comfortable than a strapless bra, with its vice-like fit, all digging in to the skin under your breasts, making you feel like you want to DIE, leaving little red half moons on your torso for the REST OF THE DAY.

Anyhoo, when I walked into the shop, I told the lady what I wanted. I told her I had measured myself, and I was a 44 B. She took a professional look at my hooterage, and shook her head. Nope, she said. There was no way I was a "B" cup.

I was getting excited (no, not in a sexy way). After I had the kids, I had graduated to a C cup (or so I thought), and then after embarking on my rigorous "FIT TO 40" campaign, and had lost some weight, I felt my bra size was no longer working for me. I followed some online guide, measured everything, and came up with a ridiculous and awkward 44B.

And I told the lady this.

She pulled out her measuring tape, and in two quick measures gave me a new, shiny, UNBELIEVABLE bra size:

38 F

THIRTY EIGHT EFF, PEOPLE.

GOOD GRAVY!!!

And she got me a bra, and I tried it on, and...

IT FITS.

AND IT'S RED!!

The lady told me that a red bra hides better under clothing than a white bra (stupid white bras. Why do I want to always ruin the look of what I'm wearing?? Why do I want the world to know exactly what my freaking bra looks like???). Lo and behold, she was right. I put my white t-shirt on overtop, and the thing disappeared.

Also, when I put on this bra, it is doing all the things they always say bras should do: the middle part is sitting firmly against my chest and there's no side spillage. Totally freaky.

So, I have learned a couple of things today, people: RED BRAS don't show under clothing, and

I HAVE ENORMOUS, SUCCULENT HOOTERS.

I am a little freaked by this, even though the kind, motherly lady of the shop assured me I have "full breasts."

Wait.

This is getting weird.

Erm, let me just summarize by saying every woman should go for a professional bra fitting! It's an EYE OPENER to say the least!!!

Let me write this again...I love this post! So great to know that I can wear my favourite red bras under light coloured shirts!I must find one of these stores for a proper fitting. I too hate those strapless bras!

Well, I'm hearing from some of the other ladies, Pam, that this is a load of crap. Maybe it's a certain shade of red? My new bra is kind of a brick red...but then again, both the ladies at the store had on RED bras, and both lifted their shirts for me to see, and I couldn't see their bras through their shirts. Hrm..it's interesting.

I've never understood bras in any colour other than black skin tone, unless you actually want them to be on display. Or undies. And I don't know what voodoo you're using because my red bra shows right through my white tshirts. And HELL NO to strapless bras - they are Satan's own instrument of torture. Congrats on your splendid full breasts and your rock star bra size! Go on - give us a pic. Sarah xxx

I own not a single red bra, for the reason that every time I try one on, I feel like I'm wearing a neon sign that says, 'look at my brassiere!' I guess I've been doing it wrong, who knew? I am definitely going to give this a try.

And also? I don't have enough hooterage to keep a strapless bra on,it just falls to my bellybutton.

Not sure about the miraculous disappearing red bra, but I do know pink or a "nude" tone works better under white clothes than a white bra. 38F??? Well, we can all guess what the F stands for. Fucking Fabulous! Well, technically that's FF but I think it applies here!I am in complete agreement about the professional fitting, those women just KNOW what size you are and which bra will fit you, and a good-fitting bra can do magic.Strapless - nah, forget it, they are impossible for anyone with a bigger cup size than a B, I reckon, and deeply unflattering.Need photos, Karen, you know you wanna! Or maybe one of your famous artist's impressions? xxxxxx

I'm going to have to talk more about my new bra, Curtise, in another post. I'm so conflicted with it. F cup indeed. It's too strange to wrap my brain around. It's not like my hoots are THAT big, but it makes them sound ludicrous now.

I think you've hit the nail on the head with a strapless bra! They are sooooooo hideous.

i've been thinking i needed to go for a bra fitting recently. i've got no clue what size i should actually be wearing anymore as my boobs have been in flux recently. now you've confirmed it for me. i'll be sure to let you know what redonkulous size they assign to me when i get measured.way to go with your succulent breast of wonder!