It’s Ok To Feel Your Feelings

“The way I see it, if you want the rainbow you gotta put up with the rain.” ~Dolly Parton

There seems to be a perception that certain feelings are bad and others are good. While some feelings such as happiness may feel better than sadness, it is important to remember that there are no good or bad feelings. We are emotional beings and we possess a wide spectrum of feelings, which have a purpose in our lives. Feelings give us the ability to appreciate the beauty of life. They also serve as a safety net to let us know when we are not safe and when our boundaries have been breached. It is important that we allow ourselves to express our feelings without judgment. Otherwise, the suppressed emotions may manifest themselves in an unhealthy manner.

Feelings enrich our lives and add depth to our existence. We are not one-dimensional entities who are capable of only feeling one emotional response. A world where only happiness exists would inevitably lose its luster over time. We must be able to experience feelings such as sadness and unhappiness in order to truly appreciate the opposite end of the feelings spectrum. Without knowing the darkness of sadness we would not be able to appreciate the lightness of happiness. For example, it is normal after the pain of losing a loved one, to find a renewed appreciation for our remaining family members. The pain of the loss leads us to embrace our remaining family members more closely and to feel a deeper love for them.

Feelings cannot be turned off and on as if they are an internal light switch. Feelings possess a life cycle. They start small, they peak and then die off. We often get in the way of the process by judging and stifling our feelings. We are conditioned to avoid pain and seek pleasure. We have a natural tendency to live our lives in pursuit of not engaging in any perceived negative feeling. For example, we may get frustrated and angry at ourselves instead of a family member who hurt our feelings. We may then feel guilty for feeling this way and internally criticize ourselves for being too sensitive. In turn, this causes us to suppress our feelings. Later, these unexpressed feelings may come out in passive-aggressive behaviors toward this individual.

I often see this behavior in couples. After a disagreement, there will often be hurt feelings, resentment and anger that is not expressed. The couple will be in a hurry to return to their happy state and will feel uneasy at the possibility that all is not ok. If the underlying feelings go unexpressed, out of fear, they will often lead to a future minor disagreement that will then lead to a disproportionate disconnect. All the unexpressed feelings that the couple was afraid to discuss and feel will explode and cause a bigger issue.

It is important that we allow ourselves to fully engage with our feelings. By doing so we can acknowledge how we feel and move through the feelings. For example, say you are feeling sadness. It is important to not judge the sadness. You can take a deep breath and acknowledge that you feel sad. I am not suggesting to let yourself get engulfed in a sea of sadness. In the beginning, you can allow yourself to feel the sadness in short manageable bursts. By allowing yourself to feel and challenging yourself to stay compassionate towards yourself, you will begin to widen your emotional bandwidth and normalize feelings such as sadness, despair or anger.

I suggest you practice feeling your emotions the next time you are in a checkout line and the person in front of you is taking a very long time. For the purpose of this example, let’s say the person is purposely taking extra time. They are moving slowly, talking incessantly and acting as if they have nowhere to go. Think of this as an ideal opportunity to exercise at the feelings gym. Start by taking a deep breath in through your nose and allowing yourself to fully experience the discomfort and perhaps annoyance. As you exhale, think to yourself or even say to yourself, “It is ok to feel this feeling.” Don’t judge what you are feeling. If you are annoyed or angry it does not make you a bad person. This can be applied to any uncomfortable feeling you experience. Allow yourself to feel the feeling without engaging with any internal script that attempts to make you feel bad about what you are feeling.

This appears to be a simple and obvious suggestion, but if you pay close attention to your thoughts throughout the day, you will notice how often judgment follows our feelings. Thank you for reading. I would love to hear your thoughts on this topic. Please feel free to leave a comment below.

The thoughts expressed in this blog post are my own and are not meant to create a therapeutic relationship with the reader. This blog does not replace or substitute the help of a mental health professional. Please note, I am unable to answer your specific mental health questions as I am not fully aware of all of the circumstances.

Kindly,
Dr. Perry

CREDENTIALSPh.D. in Clinical PsychologyM.A. in Clinical PsychologyB.A. in Psychology

PRIVATE COACHING“My mission is to provide you with solutions and insights to help you achieve your goals in a way that fits your lifestyle and your timeline.” ~Dr. Perrywww.WORLDWIDELIFECOACHING.com

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The materials and content contained in this website are for general information only and are not intended to be a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Users of this website should not rely on the information provided for their own health needs. All specific questions should be presented to your own health care provider.

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Wonderful addition to your blog. I have to say I thoroughly enjoy the content you write. Thank you for taking the time to put such care into what you write about and on your site. I appreciate it very much and am a long time email subscriber since 2016.

Thank you so much for this post. A few years ago I had this very epiphany. I am free to feel every emotion and there is no guilt or shame any more. And I pass this message onto others through my blogs and my Facebook page. Again thank you

If there was a love option instead of a like option, I would have clicked it. I love the idea of the feeling gym. As someone in my 40’s, still working out how to feel all the feelings, this is a really useful concept. Thanks for sharing your expertise!

Beautiful post !!
As we grow up, we stop expressing ourselves freely …we feel its a sign of maturity …but sometimes this vaccum hurts badly …i think thats why we call childhood phase is the best phase of life….
I will surely try that breathing technique you suggested

Dr. Perry, I love this! So often we are taught in society that certain emotions are wrong when really, like you said, they each serve a purpose. I love the movie “Inside Out”. While it’s a children’s movie, it really shows us all that every emotion that we feel serves a purpose to how we function every day. We have to embrace our feelings, not suppress them, otherwise they will spin out of control when we could have prevented such chaos in the first place. Thank you so much for sharing!!! 🙂

I liked this a lot. I have a hard time expressing negative feelings to other people and not wanting to push past them as soon as possible to return to harmony. But like you say, doing that too much can lead to a sort of false harmony.

This makes sense. It is painful to hear someone say, “You shouldn’t be sad, stop being so negative”. We feel something for a reason and it creates a bigger burden if we are unable to communicate our feelings free from critique of the feeling itself. After our feelings are articulated it is the other person’s choice to choose how to respond. Once a response is made, we must decide if we will accept the response.

I’ve also found it helpful to ask myself, “Where is this feeling coming from?” Sometimes I’ve discovered that the anger I felt toward the other person was actually with myself because I was ignoring my self care (like adequate rest, taking time to play)…

I can relate to this post. Especially the part about fighting with your loved one. A lot of times if we don’t really clear the air and discusses or differences, we will continue to have small arguments that escalate. Thank you for sharing!

Thank you Dr. perry for this lovely post and useful information! Emotions whether of sadness or anger, can easily escalate if not well managed and controlled 😊
Your posts Dr. Perry are somehow “an accessible cure”for those far away in an other continent 😊

Such a nice post again, Dr. Perry. Glad I found your website… Ha ha. I guess, it must be fate. A lot of things resonate with me from the past and the present as well.. but reading this gives me relief about my good and bad feelings.. Thank you for explaining it so well that is not intimidating to readers like me.

Thanks Dr. Perry, I am totally agreed. Don’t hide your feeling due to fear of judgement or social stigma. let them out. Don’t keep in your mind. keeping the feeling inside of your mind and brain lead to many psychological and physiological health problem. I used to hid everything but not recently. I ventilate what I feel: sadness, happiness, crying, etc.

The paragraph about couples suppressing their negative feelings was insightful! I can relate; it will take time to unpack all that. Unease, fear…it’s amazing how multiple negative feelings are actually in affect and compounding. Thanks for sharing.

In my younger years, I was taught to stop crying, stop whining, quit being a baby. I carried these stifling feelings with me as I grew up. I married at the age of 18 and because my husband would not tolerate my feelings, I held them in. I held them in for 9 long years until one day I felt like a volcano ready to explode. After the divorce, I looked back and realized that I had been too afraid to allow my feelings and thoughts to be known. Moving forward, I learned to let it all out to the point of having no filter. More years of growing taught me to balance all of it. I don’t have to explode in anger because I am pissed off. I have learned to, as you said, breathe and be patient. Finally, in my late 50’s, the lesson is settling in. It’s never too late to evolve.

Really glad you posted this. And so well said. There have been people along the road who have told me that it’s not ok to have certain feelings. One recently said that by having those feelings, I was, in effect, blaming others for events in my life. I really found this odd. While its true I need to own the consequences of my own actions, other can act in ways that have dramatic impact on you and you’re not responsible for what they did and should be allowed to have feelings about what happened. I can only guess that my friend was punting – they were uncomfortable talking about those feelings. Lessons learned. It’s wonderful to have people who you can be totally open and honest with. It helps you process those events and mirror back to yourself when needed.

I am pretty good about allowing myself to feel all the feelings. Sometimes I take a more detached approach if it is an intense situation. I’ve been known to write out pros and cons list for decisions and at times get analytical about why a feeling comes up in a specific situation. One thing I have observed in myself is that I am quick to anger (luckily it passes just as quickly for the most part). I have identified this anger as a shield to ward of extreme sadness at times. Self preservation is an interesting creature. Thanks for the post.

“Feelings enrich our lives and add depth to our existence. We are not one-dimensional entities who are capable of only feeling one emotional response”- well said Dr. Perry! Great post. I never noticed it before but I do tend to judge myself for certain “bad” feelings. For example, I have a great life but sometimes I feel unsatisfied and sad. I know that it’s ok to feel this way and I’m just going to allow myself to just be. Thank you for this post🙌🏽

I feel that your post has been most helpful. Lately I have tried to sit with my feelings more rather than trying to erase them. I’m learning slowly how to accept how I feel. And that it’s okay to feel all types of feeling. Your post has helped me to acknowledge this more. Thank-you 🙂

I resonated with the simple truth you shared here. It is something I try to communicate through my writing as well: an honest acknowledgement that seeks to avoid dissonance and the consequences of emotional suppression. I am happy you shared this. It is one of the those perspectives that I feel would heal many contemporary ailments of our society.

It takes time to accept that feelings are just feelings, they don’t make you a good or bad person and beating yourself up over it makes everything worse. I’m much more accepting of my feelings now which means they have less power over me. Great article, thanks.

The paragraph in which you talked about couples and trying to get through the argument to get back to the happy state resonated in my heart. I’ve been there so many times. This concept is new to me and believe it would help me in the future. (Also wish I would have understood it in the past… but I try to look forward not back.) So thank you for explaining this to us. I am grateful.

I really appreciate and value this post. As a society, we tend to suppress what we feel then try to deal with it in private, or when it decides to surface. Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this as I think it will make many, including myself, embrace the emotion that we are feeling in the moment.

I like how you describe a way to enter into your feelings–and give examples of how to let yourself “feel” them, instead of analyzing them, (or just blowing our lid–not that any of us ever do that…). So helpful!

Thank you Dr. Perry. Being born a Libra, being diplomatic is essential. I try to avoid arguments, but also I have tried to avoid the uncomfortable moments, which as you stated:

‘The couple will be in a hurry to return to their happy state. ‘

The couple or the individual, and every time we do l, it is inevitable that what is avoided will resurface. What is not properly buried, will not stay buried. It must rise because Truth rises, and once the Truth of the matter is evident, then and only then can we bury it successfully. Any premature burials and our issues will float up like a Louisiana swamp.

This is a great post! I spend time with my feelings regularly. My therapist believes it is a big part of what has helped get me through this horrible year and stay out of the hospital. I think it’s very important. Lately most of my feelings have been hurt and a bit of anger but it is so very important to acknowledge and feel them. Side note: did the FB group get removed?

Thank you Dottie. It’s nice to hear from you. I am sorry you are having a difficult time right now. The Facebook group was closed about 2 months ago as Isabel is too busy to moderate it. You must have missed the announcement✨

My daughter is almost 7 and it can be hard for her to articulate her feelings, as I imagine it can be hard for most children her age. However, I oftentimes feel like she has a hard time expressing herself moreso then other kids her age. I’m not sure why this is and it worries me some. I am always telling her “it’s ok to feel your feelings.” We were watching a movie together the other day, which I could tell was evoking her to feel sad. I could tell she was holding back her tears. Again, I told her…”Oh sweetie, if you are sad, it’s ok to cry.” The tears started to flow when I said this to her. I really hope she gets to the point where she gives herself permission to feel whatever it is she is feeling and without fear of what others will think of her.

Today, I got angry when a taxi driver didn’t take me to my destination, which is clearly written as a route he takes on his vehicle. Later, I felt guilty for getting angry and wondered if the people around thought I was tyrannical (although I did nothing but wear an angry expression). So thank you. I really needed this post.

Thanks! I needed to read this. We had to put down our cat almost a month ago and I’m still mourning. Meanwhile I’m trying so hard to be perfect and not let stupid things bother me but they do! So, from today onward, I’m letting myself be a little cranky. I was the same way when my grandmother died. Eventually I got over it. 🙂

Hi Dr Perry. Your warmth and integrity shine through your words. Beautifully phrased: “Feelings enrich our lives and add depth to our existence.” I have seen how the phases of an emotion – when left to run their natural course – inevitably lead to balance and a “widened bandwidth”. Observing my daughter growing up has been inspirational in this regard. And taught me many lessons of non-interference! Thank you for the post.

Feelings gym. Love that. Its true, weve been conditioned to never express negativity. And i agree the judgement is usuallypointed at ourselves as though it were a bad thing yo feel annoyed ir put out by someone elses behaviour. It coukd be that persons only interaction is at tge grocery stire, so they take longer than necessary, but we still feel what we feel whether it’s frustration annoyance or anger. I love your suggestion on how to deal with it, breathing. Nothing need be said, but you aren’t ignoring your own feelings either so they don’t build up into unmanageable mountains to erupt later over something less meaningful, the straw that broke the camel’s back. Tyvm.

Reading this makes me think how different your advice is to the messages I instinctively received as a child – don’t cry, don’t make a big deal of it. Not that adults were intentionally asking me to shut off from my feelings, but culturally, it was better to be stoic, dependable, responsible, able to face life with a neutral, if not happy, face. It is new to me that feelings have life cycles. Thank you for giving me permission to feel everything I’m feeling and not to judge myself.

I agree that it’s incredibly important to acknowledge our emotions rather than suppressing them. There’s a HUGE difference between acknowledging emotions and acting on them though, at times. Particularly when it comes to a culture of “toxic masculinity.” I think acknowledging things like insecurity and anger puts the average man leaps ahead of most, particularly in the South where I’m from. But actions that come as a result of insecurity or anger (punching a wall, or communicating with clear intent to intimidate) aren’t necessary and we should hold ourselves accountable to prevent them. Great read. Looking forward to continuing to follow along!

I love this. Validating our feelings or at least not judging them is great advice Doctor. I know sometimes when a lot of things are going on in my life … for example my friends brother is dying and he is young, our dog has been pretty sick, and someone really hurt my feelings the other day for no apparent reason. All these things mad me sad and I woke up crying yesterday. My husband was supportive and that helped but I just felt sad for a couple of hours. Than I ended up having a productive and blessed day yesterday. I just let myself be sad and it felt good but then I went on about my day. Thanks for the post and that precious image too.

When I was young I suppressed all emotion and built walls around me to prevent me getting any attachment to anyone (I have not been able to find out why I did it)
When I met my wife, she was the first one I allowed close to me. In time I allowed emotions to come, but even today (after 40 years) I still have problems with it, but I am growing in that direction

It is so important to communicate our feelings to the other person! But we don’t always do so-potentially because we don’t know how the other person will react or if they end up judging us. This is where I think it works both ways and is extremely tricky to pull off, by not taking it personally and let it enlighten us instead of making us defensive. Something I need to work on myself I suppose!
But thanks for the article, it states so much of the necessary materials!

Yah that’s good idea..because as we know simply what had happened had been happened and nothing can be changed.. If its happy movements one can feel happy and when we know our sad feeling.. We have one more chance to become happy again.. Try and try till we succeed..

I like that you mentioned that unhappy feelings are to alert us that something is not going right. I do tend to feel guilt for unhappy feelings but getting to the root of why those feelings keep popping up would be great. mostly I’d say because I allow continued repeated behavior towards me and then I feel shame and selfish for getting mad. Twisted cycle. I am currently in.

I am also becoming increasingly aware that my feelings often follow my thoughts…and that I need to pay closer attention. For instance, when another driver is rushing past me or perhaps even cutting me off, instead of saying, “What a jerk,” I think, “Maybe they have an emergency…” This often changes my feelings from irritation to compassion.

Clear and simple explanation of feelings. I believe even my 14 year old could read this and understand. That. Is a a compliment to you and your ability to explain a complex problem for all of us.
I spent years in therapy both trying to erase my feelings and later learning how to embrace them without being overwhelmed by them.
I especially like your exercise “emotional gym”.
Even after years of therapy and learning that feelings are neither good nor bad, I can be honest and say my first reaction, to what I perceive as a negative feeling, is to push it away.
It takes strength to sit with an uncomfortable feeling: sadness, hurt, anger, resentment, and know that it’s ok and it will pass.
I think I will use your exercise explanation with my daughter the next time we run into uncomfortable feelings… as a teenager it’s bound to happen soon!

I just found “Money, Alignment, Through and Purpose” on the word, but when I went to comment, it said, “Page not found.” So, I’m adding that comment here. I do hope my use of money is aligned with my purpose in life. Interesting exercise… the words were pretty well buried!

“By allowing yourself to feel and challenging yourself to stay compassionate towards yourself, you will begin to widen your emotional bandwidth and normalize feelings such as sadness, despair or anger.”

I love this sentence, it is really powerful and perfectly explains the dilemma that comes when we reject uncomfortable emotions. Dr Perry, you have such an inspirational mind. Thank you.

This is such an amazing post! I must share with friends. I battle with this often after being in very unhealthy situations where I was pushed to ignore my feelings or told I shouldn’t feel what I did I had resentment. Now I feel guilt when I’m sad or overwhelmed and force myself to push through. You made the process simple, acknowledge and feel then move on. Things I know but somehow make so much more sense coming from outside my head-thank you!

Without emotional output the essence of our existence, as well as the key that defines what humans are wouldn’t exist. I think we wouldn’t be able to justify our superiority over animals if so was the case. And I don’t agree we should though. In recent years I learned to embrace my emotions more and more, also learning the hard way after a few people that I know of committed suicide. But it still falls down the umbrella of expectancy towards the men who don’t shy away from showing off their emotions, treating it as a weakness or vulnerability. Great post from you, to be expected though! This is the topic we could go on and on, but the real change has to come from within, along with self-consciousness and self-acceptance.

Yes we are indeed emotional beings… from a former stoic, it wasn’t until my body started to create dis-ease that I looked within to heal… all my anger, disappointments and sheer rage at not being acknowledged as a child had to be expressed, through feeling my emotions. It is a painful journey and a road less travelled but boy is it worth it. Great health, positivity, compassion and acceptance of all is a fairly constant state of being for me now, oh and joy. So important to change perceptions that emotions need to be bottled up… it’s so old school!

I feel blessed to be able to ‘feel my feelings.’ Many years ago when I lived life in survival mode I couldn’t. I had to keep going no matter what I felt, so it was best for me (at that time) to give them a shove right out of my head. Oh, did you think I let them boil up pressure cooker style? No, I would simply override them. Today is different, I’m selective, but I do feel my feelings. I like the way they make me feel a certain sense of accomplishment. Good or bad, I know that I have arrived at a place where I no longer have to live as if any day I might be living under a bridge.

I was telling a friend I video chatted with today that I have noticed myself crying during meditation more now than I can ever remember. It’s so important to allow our feelings to flow, without judgement and just cleanse. This is a lesson that took me years to understand and practice without allowing g over emotion and fear to set in and kuck up more. Great post Dr. Perry, you are a bright light on here🙏😊

I agree. One thing I remember my grandmother used to always tell me is “it is okay to cry.” I didn’t fully understand it as a kid, because as a kid of course it is okay to cry, but it is a mind blowing statement as an adult. I try to get my son to understand this. I don’t want him thinking he is alone in his feelings and getting swallowed up by them and going through those hard stages that I went through and that his older brother is going through now. I’m trying to let him know that it is okay to feel your feelings and move on, but I don’t know how to teach him how to move on. It sounds like a simple thing to do, but for a child it isn’t and sometimes I can’t communicate it the way he needs me to for him to understand it.

although I try to do this often and allow me to feel my own feelings, reading your post reminds me to not abandon my feelings. When we’re going through tough times, we may forget to do the things we should be doing. Thanks for sharing! 🙂

Wow, this post was so, so timely! Last night I was writing next week’s podcast and I deep dived into feelings and you cover some of the themes in this post. It’s been a confirmation for me and it’s been so insightful to read further from your perspective. Many thanks for sharing such wonderful words, as always.

Thank you for your wonderful blog. It has helped me to see that it is okay to take a few minutes and rationalize why I am feeling the way I do. Then remember that I cannot always control what other people do, I can only control what I do and how I respond to others. I know myself, I know how I want to be perceived, and having a tight control over my actions and reactions is key to that. I want to be known for being filled with grace and love. And those traits cannot be shown if things like anger controls me. One day, one thought, one emotion at a time. Thank you for reminding me of that. May you have a blessed day.

What a great read. Feeling our feelings is definitely an important topic. Too many of us are pushing our feelings down rather than feeling them which leads to future issues. I know from experience. I learned this one the hard way. I truly appreciate this post🤗