Pondering the imponderable

Humor: BURT'S EYE VIEW

July 14, 2013

As I sat in my rocker pondering the other day, I had to wonder - how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges? How come that guy who swam the deepest ocean and climbed the highest mountain to show his love didn't just send her a box of candy instead?

Questions like these baffle me. Apparently, they interrupt your sleep, too, because readers keep sending me more imponderables to ponder. So I'm wondering.

Just wondering, am I the only person who turns down the car radio when looking for a street sign? Does that mean that noise affects eyesight? Could I stop wearing glasses if I worked in silence?

Why is it that the more loudly someone declares a thing to be true, the more likely it isn't?

How come when I drive the direction my passenger loudly insists is right when I think it isn't, he gets us lost, but every time I insist loudly on going the way I know is correct, I get lost?

It used to be that the occasional brilliant idea woke me up at night. Why is it that the older I get, I'm waking up far more often, but the only idea that occurs to me is to stumble to the bathroom?

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Just wondering, if you're strolling in the park and come across the proverbial snake in the grass, should you consider what kind of snake it is before or after your half-mile sprint?

What hair color is listed on the driver's licenses of bald men? Nude? If so, do family establishments require them to wear beach covers on their heads before entering?

Shouldn't your airliner seat have a parachute device instead of a flotation device? At least on cross-country flights?

Just wondering, why can't we just spell that word ''o-r-d-u-r-v-e-s''? Why can't we spell words phonetically? I mean, fonetiklee?

If ''look'' and ''see'' mean basically the same thing, how come ''overlook'' and ''oversee'' have opposite meanings? If ''up'' and ''down'' mean basically the opposite thing, how come ''slow up'' and ''slow down'' have the same meaning?

Shouldn't those little vessels in the harbor be called pushboats?

Why is it called a hot water heater? Wouldn't a hot water cooler be called a refrigerator?

Hamburger is not made from ham, hot dogs are not made from dogs, pineapples are neither pine nor apple, buffalo don't actually have wings, and chickens lack fingers, so why are all those foods called by those names? Is this another trick by Mom to try to get me to eat something I don't like?

Just wondering, when a little birdy flies into a window and knocks itself silly, does it see little birdies circling overhead?

If vegetarians eat vegetables, are humanitarians cannibals? I still don't know if vegetarians can eat animal crackers.

If a Smurf chokes, what color does he turn? If the Grinch turns green with envy, how would you tell? Would you call a cowardly banana yellow?

Wouldn't it be great if chocolate milk came from brown cows? Would that mean that black-and-white cows would give polka-dotted drinks?

So why do they put the top step on a ladder in the first place if they don't want you to step on it?

Just wondering, should I carry a list in case someone asks whose fault is it when I screw up? Or whose fault this column is?

Just wondering.

----- We wonder if there's room for a sane thought in Cole's mind. Ask him at burtseyeview@tribtoday.com or on the Burton W. Cole page on Facebook.