Savage Love: I've Been Celibate for Most of the Last Five Years; Should I Be Concerned?

I wish I had a better question, but this is all I have: My friends and I were discussing the nuances of a straight orgy (a roughly equal number of male and female participants) versus a gang bang (one woman, many men), and we observed that there is no proper name for a one man, many women situation. The Internet tells me it’s just a “reverse gang bang,” which is a very disappointing name.

Can we please establish a new one?

Curious Nonparticipant

How does “pussy riot” grab you?

And while we’re on the subject of flipping gendered expressions: A number of years ago, I was asked to come up with a female version of “sausage fest.” Sticking with the food theme, I proposed “clam bake.” Still mystified as to why it didn’t catch on.

I was married from 28 to 36, single the last three years, and celibate most of the last couple of years. The last two years of my marriage were sexless, and I saw professionals until I was priced out. I could probably earn twice what I’m making now if I moved away, but my current job gives me the flexibility to spend afternoons with my young kids.

Last year, I had a brief relationship (that included the best sex of my life), but I ended it because I needed more “me” time. So I lack the willingness or the confidence to be in a relationship, and I don’t have the cash to see pros.

I’m not fussed by this. Should I be concerned about my celibacy?

Absolutely Not Getting Sex Today

Seeing as your celibacy is intermittent and by your own choice (You walked away from the best sex of your life for me time? What kind of mid-’90s Oprah bullshit is that?), ANGST, you’re unlikely to wind up hanging out on an “incel” forum filled with angry, violent, socially maladapted men who blame the fact that they can’t get laid on women and feminism. So long as you continue to take personal responsibility for all the sex you’re not having, there’s nothing to be concerned about.

My boyfriend and I have been together for two years. When we first got together, we had sex every day. Then it dwindled. We had major problems along the way and separated this winter. During that time, he went to another state. We got back together long-distance, and I received many letters from him saying how much he wanted to have sex with me.

He moved back two weeks ago, and we’ve had sex only twice. He used to say he wanted me to make the first move. But if he really wanted me, wouldn’t he make a move? I feel so neglected, yet he claims he loves me. Please give me some insight.

No Sex For Weeks

He says he wants sex (with you), but he doesn’t make a move. You say you want sex (with him), but you don’t make a move. So how about this: The next few times you want sex, NSFW, make a move. If he fucks you two out of three times, maybe he was telling you the truth when he said he’d like you to make the first move. If he rebuffs you every time, then he doesn’t want to have sex with you—and you’ll have to make a move to end this relationship.

I’m a youngish man who’s been in a loving relationship with an older woman for a year. The only area where the age difference comes into play is largely unspoken between us—she wants kids. All of her friends are having kids, and she’s nearing the end of her childbearing years. I’m nowhere near ready, and I sometimes question whether I want to be monogamous to any one person for life. We never discuss it, but I can tell how deeply this bothers her, and that in her ideal world, I’d be ready to start planning a future with her. I’m racked with guilt at the possibility that by the time I’m ready for that level of commitment (or, worse, by the time I realize I never will be), she’ll be biologically incapable of having kids, which is really important to her. This is all complicated by the fact that this is easily the most loving, trusting, respectful relationship I’ve ever been in.

Bond Afflicted By Years

Speak, BABY: “Look, you want kids. I’m not ready, and I’m not sure I’ll ever be ready. Also, I’m not sure about lifelong monogamy. If we need to part ways so you can find someone who wants the same things you do and wants them now, I’ll be devastated, but I’ll understand.”

I’m a 22-year-old woman living in Central Asia doing development work. There are 14 other expats within an hour or two of me, but eight of them are in relationships. I’ve always been the “single friend,” and normally I don’t mind. But being surrounded by couples right now has been a tax on my mental health.

I know I’m young and should be focusing on this amazing opportunity and my career, but I can’t help but feel lonely at times, especially since I can’t speak the local language well, and these 14 other people are the only ones near me who speak English. What should I do?

Single Anonymous Dame

Math. Eight of the 14 nearby English-speaking expats are in relationships. That means six nearby expats are single like you, SAD. It’s not a lot of people to choose from in real numbers, I realize, but as a percentage—40 percent of nearby expats are single—it’s statistically significant, as the social scientists say. Focus on this opportunity; focus on your career; and focus on that statistically significant number of nearby singles.

My husband and I listen to your podcast, and we’ve become a little more open about our wants and needs as a result. Anyway, on two recent occasions, he shaved his pubes. Both times, I told him it was a turnoff. Like, I literally dried up when I saw it. He said he understood, yet now he’s about to take a trip with friends, and he’s done it again—and his chest, too, this time. Assuming he’s telling the truth, and this manscaping effort is not about other women (eye roll), is it fair to me? Can I ask him to stop? Shouldn’t he want to stop if it’s a turnoff for me? Do I have to be GGG on this too?

Not Into Bald Balls

I feel your pain—but it’s not hair removal that’s an issue in my relationship, but hair growth. My husband would like to have a mustache. It’s his face (those are your husband’s balls), and he can do what he wants with his face (your husband can do what he wants with his balls). But I can do what I want with my face, and my face doesn’t touch his when there’s a mustache on it. Similarly, NIBB, you’re not obligated to touch your husband and/or his junk when he’s pubeless.

When I’m out of town, my husband will grow a mustache, and I don’t complain or temporarily unfollow him on Instagram. So long as your husband’s balls/crotch/chest are smooth only when they’re far from you, it shouldn’t be an issue in your marriage—unlike the fact that you think he might be fucking another woman (maybe one who’s into bald balls?) or thinking about fucking other women. That’s an issue you’re going to want to address.