Cyclists revealed as alien invaders

Government scientists today revealed that cyclists are alien invaders, with a mission to make life for Earthlings as horrible as possible.

At a press conference, Professor James McAndrew said: 'We have evidence that these aliens are increasing in number, and are occupying all the roads in country. Their aim is to cycle as slowly as possible, especially on roads where it is impossible to overtake them. Their disguise is modelled on Sir Bradley Wiggins - they all try to look as if they're professional athletes who do the Tour de France for light relaxation, rather than being Ray from Accounts who has trouble walking to the coffee machine.
'But their strategy is obvious - they get motorists so angry and frustrated that they end up taking their own lives. In a couple of years' time there will only be these alien cyclists, ambling slowly and pointlessly around deserted roads, still with water bottles on their bikes to show how sporty they are.'