Friday, July 30, 2010

First, merci beaucoup for your words. I knew you guys would give fantastic insight, great advice, and some much-needed virtual comfort, and that's exactly what you did. How did I get so lucky? Y'all are absolutely right. My Mom, as incredible as she is, is not superhuman. She has fears and sometimes doesn't know what to say and most importantly, loves me and worries about me. We finally spoke this morning (2 days sans speaking is like a lifetime to my Mom), and although we didn't discuss our previous convo, we are moving forward. And I'm happy that we're speaking again, too... To be perfectly frank, 2 days sans speaking to my Mom can feel a bit like a lifetime to moi as well. (Shh - don't tell her!)

Second, c'est le weekend!!! Are you stoked? I'm stoked, and you wanna know why? Because I am FINALLY headed to the beach tomorrow! Augh I've been dreaming of a beach vacay for years, and since that can't happen, a beach day will more than suffice (for now... Ma Soeur and I have discussed a family vacay to Hawaii next year. YES PLEASE!!!). I plan to hit up the ah-mazing new Trader Joe's by my flat today for some yummy munchies, and tomorrow morning I'll be taking the LIRR away from this crazy city and enjoying some much-needed peace and quiet. Last weekend I bought a new suit @ Bloomies avec Ma Soeur, and I can't wait to wear it (not sure I've ever uttered those words re: a swimsuit). It's girly and retro and will go perfectly with my large floppy hat. I think I'll have to swipe on the perfect red lipstick (Brave Red by MAC) to complete the look. Beach, here I come!

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

As a child (adult child, as it may be), it still throws me for a loop whenever I'm disappointed in my parents. Quel role reversal!! For the longest time, I thought it wasn't right, or even possible, for a daughter (let alone the baby of the fam) to be disappointed in her parents, but obviously, that's not the case.

As I'm sure you've figured out, I'm extremely close to my Mom. We have grown closer throughout the years and being so far away from her has been one of the most challenging parts of moving to New York. We talk daily, sometimes multiple times a day, and I still sneak into her bed when I go home. I'm her baby. And right now I'm struggling. I am struggling to realize that she doesn't always know what's best for me and that right now, she is not being the mom I need her to be. Allow me to explain...

I've had a rough couple of weeks. I hate not being in control, and that's exactly what's happening here in NYC. That coupled with my complete lack of certainty regarding my future here, be it professional or personal, has got me in a tizzy. On top of that, I've been dealing with some roommate drama and a potential rent increase, all of which culminated in a 2-hour "discussion" (I use that term loosely) last night. Having my sister here was a godsend - I needed her, in the flesh, to tell me things would be OK. Which is exactly what she did. The weird thing is, I'm more used to my Mom being the comfort and my Sister being the disciplinary/tough love mother figure. But my Mom seems to have changed her definition of "supportive" in the past week and a half, and it's got me in major devastation mode. What am I to do when the person who's supposed to be my biggest source of comfort and #1 life cheerleader turns her back on me?

Luckily, Dr. G has been in town for the past few weeks, and last night I sent her an emergency email asking if she had time to meet. We met for coffee this morning (at the darling La Grainne Cafe!), and I was feeling back on track. She reminded me that I am an individual, and I know what's best for me. And that means being honest with my Mother and telling her what I need from her - aka support, comforting words, a shoulder to cry on. And if she can't give that to me, then I don't need to be talking to her right now. So I felt good, came home and called my Mom, told her what I needed and fully expected her to apologize and say, "Of course, darling, if that's what you need, I am more than happy to give it to you." Unfortunately, the convo did not go that way. It was more of a, "Well, I'm not going to tell you it's going to be OK because you need to be scared and face reality and it might not be okay." (Nevermind the fact that I am a twenty-six, soon to be TWENTY-SEVEN, year old lawyer who is FULLY aware of how tough this city is and the risks I took to come here.) So I said I couldn't talk to her if she couldn't do that for me, and she said fine, don't talk to me.

So here I am, feeling un peu like an abandoned child, and realizing that no matter how inextricably bound I am to my Mom and no matter how wonderful she is, I am, at this very moment, incredibly disappointed in her. She can't give me what I need right now, and so I need to find it elsewhere, and I need to not talk to her. That is extremely difficult to digest. But since I am SICK AND TIRED of crying (you should see my face right now - it's a puffy disaster zone), I'm just going to have to accept it.

Can you help me accept it? Have you experienced this with your own family members or mentors? How do I let this not affect my (currently fragile) emotional well-being?

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

It's been an absolute joy to have my sister in town for the past couple of days. I'm beyond devastated to have to say goodbye to her tomorrow (only until October hopefully!), but we've had an incredible jam-packed couple of days, filled with lots of eating, shopping, and laughing. It's what we do best. :) Here are a few scenes from our short time together...

Sunday, July 25, 2010

Ma Soeur is arriving bright and early tomorrow morning (at some ungodly hour like 7 a.m.!!), and we are going to spend Sunday the way us Park Sistas do it best - shopping and eating! Tentative plans include brunch at Five Points, shopping at Bloomies, Barneys, and Bergdorf, perhaps a quick trip to Babycakes or wine & chocolat at Cocoa V, and dinner at BondSt. (Unfortunately, we won't be doing all of this quite as stylishly as the two gals above. In case you haven't heard, it's about a million friggin' degrees here in NYC which makes looking cute and stylish damn near impossible. Le sigh.) I am beyond excited to see my darling sister and to spend some quality time with her. She has to work on Monday and Tuesday, unfortunately, but just to have one full day with her makes my entire week!

Friday, July 23, 2010

Actually, this Friday I'm not in love. This week has been... odd. Thankfully, it went by very quickly, and I'm welcoming the weekend with open arms. My tentative plans include yoga, the gym, a bbq in Prospect Park, and then of course a day o fun on Sunday avec Ma Soeur. She couldn't be coming at a better time.

I'm determined to pull myself out of this week's slump. Next week I hope to wake up early, do lots of yoga and lots of running, visit museums, explore neighborhoods (the weather is supposed to stay in the 80's - woohoo!!), and remind myself why I love this city.

Last night I ate spicy Korean tofu soup and saw Inception (HIGHLY recommend it). Remember when Leo DiCaprio was gorgeous? Yeah... not so much anymore. But he is a damn good actor.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

These crazy clog boot hybrid thingies that I'm sure 99.9% of you will think are uggo, but I am dying to rock them this Fall. Oh Jeffrey Campbell, you do it so well every. single. time. (And don't worry - I wouldn't wear them with those socks.)

This super fun and completely unnecessary sparkly heart pouch thingy. Technically I could afford this quite easily, but let's be honest, I so don't need it.

The Alexa bag by Mulberry. I love its satchel shape and vintage feel. I don't love its price. ($1,150 in case you were wondering...)

Sigh. NYC is filled with fashionistas, and I must confess, it's almost impossible to not want to run out and buy the latest thing (esp. since it's probably just around the corner). That being said, some of the most fashionable outfits are those sans labels or expensive price tags worn by hipster gals with probably less money than moi. I have hope.

Sunday, July 18, 2010

It is HAWT in the District. It's like 95 degrees and humid as a swamp kind of hot. But luckily, I met Valerie from City Life Eats at Cafe Green in Dupont for a spectacular vegan brunch and had one of the most delicious beverages of my life. It was a coconut water/coconut meat/raw cacao/agave iced smoothie concoction that rocked my freaking world and made the heat ever so slightly more bearable. Merci Valerie for introducing me to such a fabulous eatery! I will most definitely be back.

This quick trip to DC was just what the doctor ordered. DC is much quieter and un peu slower than the daily hustle and bustle of New York City. I've enjoyed the quiet here. That being said, I'm eager to get back to the city (and the afternoon shade that the tall buildings provide). Last night while we were out, I told my friend J that when I realized that I only had one more day here, I immediately thought, "Boooo I don't want to go back to Austin and go back to work..." And then I realized, HA - I don't have to!! And I must confess, it was a very, very good feeling indeed.

Being here has also reminded me to write this very post which I've been meaning to write for the past couple of weeks. For the past 6-8 months, I've been in a weird place. I've been sort of anti all things self-help/yoga/deeply introspective/whatever. I stopped journaling. I stopped practicing yoga. I stopped reading and collaging. And I stopped wanting to read that kind of content on the blogosphere or anywhere else. I just kind of shut down that formerly big part of my life and went elsewhere. I still can't fully explain why, but I am happy to report that since moving to NYC, I've discovered that I am slowly but surely finding my way back to that place. It probably won't ever be where or what it was before, but I think that's a good thing. I'm journaling again, I'm finding my way back to the mat, I'm eager to tear inspirational images or words out of magazines, and I'm rediscovering some truly beautiful blogs. It's a good thing.

My life has changed so drastically in the past few months that I'm often completely unaware of where I am, what I'm doing, why I'm doing it or where I'm going. I've always been the opposite. I always knew what my step was, whether I liked it or not, and not knowing for the first time in my life is both incredibly freeing and extremely terrifying. I'm more thankful than ever to have this blog as an outlet to not only share my triumphs and struggles with you, but to connect with so many of you who have either been through this before or are currently experiencing it now. Isn't it wonderful? It will never cease to amaze me how powerful the blogosphere has been and how lucky I am to have met (both virtually and physically) all of you amazing individuals. Je t'adore beaucoup. I hope you had a divine weekend. See you Monday...

Thursday, July 15, 2010

I know what you're thinking... what kind of vacay could I possibly need? I've been been gallivanting around New York City for the past month and a half! Nonetheless, it's nice to get away from the day-to-day and take a petite trip. So I've decided to hop on a train and spend some quality time with moi (and okay, yes, maybe see some friends along the way!). I plan to do oodles of journaling, planning (I am LOVING the filofax), reflecting, reading and work on some upcoming blog posts. I've dedicated a section of my filo to "blog posts." Voila a sneak peek at what's to come:

Saturday, July 10, 2010

It's been a rough/weird few days. As I was unpacking the two Fed Ex boxes my Mom sent me (thanks, Mom!!!) on Friday afternoon, I found myself suddenly in tears and very much missing home. But what is home? Do I miss Dallas? Uh, NO. Do I miss proximity to my parents? Yes. Do I miss Austin? Sort of... but it's not just the city I'm missing, it's aspects of my former life, the life that I had in Austin. I miss long summer afternoon naps with Lola. I miss having my own kitchen, my own living space, my own home. I miss being able to hop in the car on a fiercely hot day and blast the A/C. I miss being able to walk five steps to get to the nearest pool. I miss making my own iced tea (can't make any here b/c, of course, we don't have a pitcher!). I miss hitting up Sonic (yes, the drive-thru) and getting frosty summer beverages. I miss knowing where to go for the best highlights & haircut, pedicure, facial, and massage. (I miss being able to afford highlights, facials and massages...) And I miss Hobby Lobby! I'm just feeling un peu homesick.

Also? I checked the calendar and sure enough, it's about to be that time of the month. Like clockwork, my hormones are out of whack and I find myself strangely emotional, a little sad, and way out of control with the tears. Also? I am SO sick of this weather. When it's 90+ degrees and HUMID as HELL, there is nothing I enjoy less than having to walk around this damn city. Don't get me wrong, I still love the city, but I abhor this ridiculously steamy summer. I can't wait for Fall.

But then I think back to why I wanted so badly to move here in the first place, and I remember all the things about my former life that I don't miss. I don't miss my former job and waking up every morning and absolutely dreading going into the office. I don't miss the mundane day-to-day of my life in Austin. I don't miss being in TX. I don't miss the lack of diversity, good Korean food and culture. I don't miss staying in instead of going out and socializing b/c I was so bored of what "going out" in Austin meant. I don't miss not feeling the joie de vivre that I've since rediscovered in myself since moving to this vibrant, 24 hrs/day city.

So I guess... things aren't so bad. I just really can't wait for this time of the month to be over. (And for the weather to cool down.)

Friday, July 9, 2010

[NOTE to MOM: I know you're reading this and shaking your head b/c you don't understand WHY your daughter bought more paper stuff, but allow me to explain. I had to get a new planner anyway, and I wanted to try another kind. So really, in the end, it's not like I just bought something unnecessary. Okay? Promise! And if you get mad at these posts, then stop reading!! :D]

Augh what a nightmare it's been trying to get my hands on a filofax. The company from which I ordered the metropol in raspberry (same one was Gala Darling's in this post) failed to let me know that it was backordered, so when I called and found out, I may or may not have thrown a tiny tantrum. I insisted they refund my shipping costs and keep me posted (which, to be fair, they did). Unfortunately a few days later I woke up to an email telling me that the raspberry metropol is backordered until... SEPTEMBER. Would I like to keep my order active and be one of the first to receive it? Um, NO.

Anxiously, I scoured the web for another, but he was correct, they are completely out everywhere! So I decided I'd just bite the bullet and buy the boring (and expensive-r) light pink one. BLAH. I found it for about 20% less on Amazon and placed my order. And waited patiently. And asked the seller whether it had been shipped. And waited patiently. Until finally today, I decided to stop by Sam Flax to return a couple of things (okay, yes, they were filofax things...), and lo and behold, what do I find? A RASPBERRY METROPOL!!! I almost DIED in the store, immediately texted my friend Steph (who, unfortunately, has gotten a play-by-play of my whole filofax drama), and purchased it immediately. Now I have to deal with either canceling or returning my other one (who knows where it is!), but that is OK. Because in the end, I saved about $50, and I am MUCH happier with the non-leather raspberry pink version!

So I've been playing with it all afternoon, and I think it'll take a bit to see how I'm going to use it. It IS fun how customizable it is...

{that little heart sticker is a Fancy Nancy one and it says "I'm a tres, tres fancy girl." LOVE.}

{voila an instax pic of moi and my dear friend David on my 1st night in NYC. isn't he gorgeous?? love him!}

It still has a long way to go, but I already adore it! Yay for finding it so magically today!! I needed something amazing to happen after I unwillingly paid a whopping FORTY DOLLARS for lunch (believe moi, it wasn't my idea...) and proceeded to cry (not really) on the phone to my Mom afterwards. She laughed.

P.S. I'm going to do a follow-up post a couple weeks from now once I figure out the best way to use my filofax. I'm so excited! I'm such a DORK!! I get so excited about paper and organization and STICKERS!!!

P.P.S. The other night I dictated to my Mom on the phone which of my paper/creativity products to send me. As in, "Open the white box that's labeled 'pretty tape' and send me x, y, and z. Open the white box that's labeled 'STICKERS' and send me as much as you can fit!" Twas fun. My Mom thinks I have way too many stickers. She may be right...

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

I've been putting off writing this post for quite some time. Partly because I'm afraid of what you will think, partly because it's a subject that's difficult for me to think about, partly because I'm not even sure what I want to say. But it needs to be put out there because I need some help! So here it is...

Since moving to New York, I have fallen off the vegan bandwagon big time. At first it was because I was going to all sorts of dinners and brunches with new people, and I did not want to limit our choices to vegan eateries nor did I want to be difficult. Now, I know what many vegans will say - just because you want to eat vegan doesn't mean you're being difficult. That may be true, but it is inconvenient for the majority of people (esp. the people that I seem to know), and I didn't want to be causing any of that either. The other reason? I like nonvegan food. I like cheese and eggs and butter... I do. Also? It's really hard to even find a vegetarian option on many NYC menus, so yes, I've eaten shrimp and calamari. (But no, I have not, however, eaten chicken, beef, pork, lamb, etc.)

I am not proud of this. I feel like a complete and total failure of a vegan, and yet every time I say, "OK! This is it! Tomorrow I'm being vegan again!" it's never the last time. Scarily, that's the same thing I used to say when I tried fad diet after fad diet... that's not a good thing.

Do I still strongly believe all the things I believed before? Oui. Am I a hypocrite? Weak? A failure? LAME? Oui. I'll own up to all of that. I will be the first to say that I let my desire for goat cheese get in the way of how I feel about animal treatment. I let my overwhelming lust for margherita pizza cloud my absolute knowledge that dairy cows are treated like absolute shit. Like I said, I'm not proud of this.

That being said (you know that was coming, didn't ya?), I know that in the near future, there will be situations where it will be near impossible for me to eat vegan. Or, let's be honest, I'll be at a fab restaurant with friends, and I don't WANT to ask the chef to prepare me something on the side or I don't want to be resigned to eating a garden salad. I want to enjoy life! And it's not that I couldn't when I was strictly vegan, but dining out became a completely different experience. If I could have all vegan friends, I would, but to be honest, I don't have a single real-life vegetarian, let alone vegan, friend in my life.

So, I don't know... I don't know what I'm going to do. I know it doesn't have to be one extreme or another, but I am a very all-or-nothing type of person so this weird wishy washy medium is difficult for moi. Also, I have no doubt whatsoever that I will lose some blog readers and twitter followers who began to read/follow when I was doing the vegan thing, and that's fine, I understand that. I also know that many of you (including those who follow a vegan diet) will be supportive and tell me not to beat myself up. I am genuinely curious as to what you think, whether you have or are experiencing the same conflicting emotions, and what is to be done about it. I feel... like a fraud.

Monday, July 5, 2010

What began as a day where absolutely nothing went as planned (no She & Him concert @ Governor's Island b/c the line to get on the ferry was 50,000 people long, no Toy Story 3 b/c they sold out as soon as we got to the front of the line, and LOADS of walking around the city in 98-degree weather), my first 4th of July in the city ended up being one of the most fantastic days I've had since moving here. Despite all the minor mishaps, I still had a beautiful day full of...

Friday, July 2, 2010

Happy 4th of July weekend, my lovelies!! I can't believe June is over and that I actually blogged daily (more or less) about my NYC adventures (and mishaps). I welcome July and the lack of pressure to blog daily with very open arms. That being said, I love getting back into the swing of regular blogging, so I assure you that there will be lots of posts from me in the upcoming month as well.

What're you up to this 4th of July weekend? Moi, there will be plenty of wine drinking, courtyard gatherings with new friends, possible beach time, and fancy NYC fireworks. I can't WAIT! And in the spirit of this celebratory month, I've decided it's high time that I get back on the monthly goals bandwagon. Without further adieu, voila my July goals.

~ Gym 3x/wk: Can you believe? I joined a gym today! I'm tres excited about it, too! It's got fantastic classes, is uber close to my apartment, and every single treadmill and elliptical has a TV attached. Heaven.

~ Yoga 1x/wk: Oh how I've missed yoga. There are so many fabulous studios in this city and a handful of them are either free or donation-based. Holla!

~ Stay positive about job search: It's easy to get down and have days like this. What I have to remember is that I moved here for a reason, and I know there is the perfect NON-legal job waiting for me in this vivacious city. Just gotta find it!

~ Schedule/attend 1 networking event/appointment per week: Although I've met with loads of contacts already, I need to stay on the ball. Networking is key to finding a job in this city. It's all about who you know!

~ Track spending: Now that my big expenditures have been taken care of, it's time to get very serious about being very frugal. I plan to track my spending this month to the DIME and to make sure I stay within my budget. (Mom - I know you're happy to see this.)

~ Return 2 journaling: My journaling, like my yoga practice, has completely fallen by the wayside. Now that I have a desk (are you sick of me saying that yet?), I have no excuse.

~ Explore 1 NYC neighborhood: Because I live in Chelsea and have everything I could possibly want within a 10-15 block radius, it's easy to get comfortable here. But I adore NYC and its different neighborhoods, so I intend to explore one in detail this month. I'm thinking West Village, as it's a complete maze, and I'm determined to find my way around it!

~ Limit ordering in: As I've said before, ordering in here is as easy as checking your gmail. It's beautiful. But it's expensive, fattening, and honestly, a little too much sometimes. I miss simple, healthy, and veggie-ful homecooked meals.

~ Daily smoothies: I got my blender, and I've been smoothie-ing it up!

~ Visit churches: One of my Anti-New Year's Resolutions was to add more spirituality in my life. Part of that means finding a good church here in the city. Luckily a few of my friends here are regular church go-ers, so I intend to tag along until I find one that feels like home.

Life with a desk is just as sweet as I imagined it would be. Although, ironically, I woke up with an annoying lower back ache this morning. I'm hoping it's from the way I slept and not the way I sit in my pretty new chair.

My productivity has definitely been upped by the desk, but sadly my beloved Filofax is still not on its way. I called the shipper today and apparently, it's backordered. They just failed to mention that to me... of course. I kindly requested (aka demanded) that they either expedite the shipping once it's back in stock or refund my shipping costs (scored the latter), and I also asked WHEN they would be expecting more. Maybe tomorrow... maybe next week. UGH. I want it NOW! That Gala Darling is quite something. Her post caused every online filofax retailer to sell out of the beautiful (and beautifully priced) raspberry Metropol! Oh to have that kind of influence... So it's likely I won't have it for at least another week, which means I'll be forced to just continue daydreaming about the gorgeous organizing I will do upon its arrival. Oui, c'est ma vie.

Tonight I went to one of the most gorgeous movie theaters ever (the AMC at Lincoln Center) to see Eclipse with a couple of friends. The theater was RIDIC - it has mezzanine level seating! Upon securing our badass second row seats, I exclaimed, "WOW! It's like I'm at a musical!!" at which point the entire front row of the mezzanine turned around, gaped, and laughed (at me, not with me). Yep, that's how I roll!

As for le flick, it was entertaining and definitely the best made of the 3. Yes, it's still cheesy as heck and the acting is pretty awful at times, BUT Edward was hot in it and so was Jacob, and let's be honest, that's really what these movies are about. Yes I am both Team Edward and Team Jacob. Yum. I couldn't be more jealous of Bella. Having 2 incredibly hot super powered men (ahem, boys) fight over me? Yes, please!

Oh and even if you're not a Twi-hard, I highly suggest you check out the soundtrack. It's filled with fantastico tracks from Florence and the Machine, Beck, Bat for Lashes, Sia, Muse, Vampire Weekend, and much much more. Enjoy!

Thursday, July 1, 2010

I am an IKEA assembling master. Well, not really, but today's assemblage went far faster and better than I anticipated. The desk is... huge. I mean, it fits, but it's definitely quite large. That being said, I sort of love having all the surface area. This desk can truly be vanity/desk/crafting table/nightstand/whatever. And once I get some more of my goodies (read: paper products and crafts) delivered to moi from my Mom, I'll have more space to put it! What do you think?

Too big? Ridiculous to squeeze such a large desk into a tiny NYC apartment? Meh... what is space anyway? i can get to my closet and still have plenty of dancing room between the desk and the front door. ;) I'm going to try it out for a bit and then decide.

Um and speaking of design, I am IN LOVE with this pink apartment. Look at this pink floor and fridge!!!

I'm so glad I decided to paint my walls pink, line my closet with pink flocked wallpaper, and keep pink a main color in my room. I LOVE PINK! It makes moi so happy. :D