Thursday, October 13, 2011

The Misanthrope's Manual

Back in the 90's, I put together a satirical dictionary that was modeled closely on Ambrose Bierce's The Devil's Dictionary, only with a more liberal bias. In celebration of the 100th anniversary of the second edition, I've decided to go back to my old love of writing definitions and perhaps making an effort to publish these misanthropic pearls of wit. 1) Homage, n- Retroactively, outed larceny.2) Department of Defense- A support network that alternatively kills, rapes, tortures and maims dark, indigenous people while acting as a support network for war profiteers such as Halliburton, Bechtel, Blackwater, the Carlyle Group, etc.3) Court, the Supreme- The highest judicial body in the US, thereby ideally suited by the current political and ideological balance to be the guardian of the rights of individuals (i.e. the unjustly maligned corporation).4) Individual, n- In a biological sense, a singular entity or, paradoxically, in a collective corporate sense owing to a grossly tampered with and willful misinterpretation of an 1878 Supreme Court ruling. In the January 2010 Citizen's United vs the FEC ruling, the SCOTUS had expanded the definition of free speech so that it included "E pluribus unum" and "In God we Trust" and whatever else is found on our currency. However, this expansion is devoted exclusively to cash derived from self-dealing, self-motivated "individuals" now in a position to more easily purchase the US electoral system. Thus eradicating the need for both the written and spoken word, the biological individual has now been shoved aside in favor of corporate, multicephalic individuals.5) Executive, n- The sole legitimate recipient of income redistribution.6) Worker, n- In conservative circles, a shiftless, lazy bailed-out parasite. Through the devious dexterity of deregulation and a deaf Congress, the laborer was previously unable to put money in a bank and, with the bailout, is now empowered to put vaster sums of money in hundreds of banks.7) Money, n- Syn currency, cash, legal tender, free speech. E.g. "Money talks, bullshit walks." Oftentimes, it also runs for public office.8) Lobbyists, n pl.- The highest and third chamber of Congress, a 10,000 member-strong ersatz legislative body faithfully serving the interests of 500 or more individuals (See companies, Fortune 500). It is tacitly and mutually understood by the two lower chambers (House and Senate) that no legislation shall pass without the consent of the ungoverned individuals (I. e. corporations).9) HMO, acronym- A health management organization dedicated to the proposition that the bottom line supercedes the merely incidental continued medical wellbeing of its policy-holders; The only type of corporation that rakes in tens of billions per annum despite an increasingly stringent standing policy of withholding often life-saving services. This is without parallel and without precedent that is somewhat on a par with a petroleum company refusing to sell gasoline to a customer despite charging higher and higher membership dues because the car had once been worked on and/or may not pass inspection. (See switch, Bait and.)10) Bush, George W*- (b. July 6, 1946-) Regarded by 27% of the electorate as the 43rd president of the United States. Disinterested Texas Air National Guard pilot (1968-?) who disappeared for a year after T.A.N.G inexplicably transferred Bush to Alabama; Failed businessman who was incapable of finding oil in the most oil-rich region in North America; Insider trading of ill-gotten Harken Energy stocks enabled him to buy minor ownership of Texas Rangers ball club while being treated as majority or sole owner based entirely on far more accomplished father's surname; Career drunk until shamed into retirement by anti-Semite Billy Graham; Inexplicably elected Governor of Texas by having fired HW Bush adviser Karl Rove call incumbent Ann Richards a lesbian; After eight years and 152 executions, Bush ran for the presidency and inexplicably won the SC GOP primary by having fired HW Bush adviser Karl Rove call rival John McCain a nigger lover; After being declared the loser in the contentious 2000 presidential election, Bush was declared the winner by first cousin John Ellis on Fox "News" and by Florida Secretary of State and campaign co-chair Katherine Harris; Ignored threat of al Qaeda and its leader, Bush business partner Osama bin Laden; Was reading children's book with aid of first graders when the 2nd plane hit the 2nd WTC tower; Swiftly retaliated by coming out of hiding by standing on rubble long after enemy was dead, attacking the following month the central Asian nation of Afghanistan on correct assumption it was harboring OBL. OBL escapes from Tora Bora. Bush stays in Afghanistan while making out with leader of Arab nation that produced 15 of the 19 alleged hijackers; Decided to invade Iraq in 2000 for 9/11/2001 terrorist attacks despite complete lack of evidence of Saddam's involvement; Bush kills hundreds of thousands of poor dark-skinned people; Ran for reelection in 2004, declared the loser in Ohio then retroactively declared the winner on the assertion of Ohio Secretary of State and Bush campaign co-chair J. Kenneth Blackwell. who rigorously tested his fellow African Americans' resolve and eligibility to vote; 2005-2009, Bush kills hundreds of thousands more poor, dark-skinned people; Played guitar and ate birthday cake with alleged nigger-lover Sen. John McCain while 1800 poor, dark-skinned people drowned in and near New Orleans. Lynched one rich, dark-skinned person, Saddam Hussein, after kangaroo court, slept during lynching while business partner OBL remained free; Considered by many to be the most effective quasi-president in modern times considering Dick Cheney was the de facto head all eight years.