Friday, 30 March 2012

Toot Toot Fart Fart

I would like to dedicate this post to Shaun - not because he likes to fart (well maybe he does but thats neither here nor there) but because he wanted a shout out. So here it is

Lets take a trip down into the gutter, into the smelly loud mysterious land of human flatulence. I dont think it matters if you are 5 or 50, farts are funny (and if you dont laugh I think there might possibly be something wrong with you). The escaping of this noxious gas provides hours of entertainment with only a few seconds of disgust. Here is a little known fact about me, if there was a world championship of farts I'm pretty sure that I would be in the running for taking out the grand prize. I've got a lot of wind and it feels the need to escape my body at regular intervals, generally at high decibals.

This skill was realised during my early childhood when my father remarked to my mother on the not so glorious smell that had escaped from me. When a baby can make a grown man gag (and my dad was a big manly man) you know you are onto a winner. Its a skill that Ive worked on and cultivated over the years. I will admit that sometimes I am scared to show case my skills because I think that something may have crawled inside me and died and it even makes my eyes water, I dont know if its far to unleash that on the world.

Whilst farts can be funny they can also be extremely embarrassing. As mentioned in my last blog my lifes most embarrassing moment was caused by untimely flatulence. I tried to be a dilligant student but will admit that sometimes school just didnt have the interest to hold my attention and couple this with my rebellious teenage streak and my inherent inability to sleep, sometimes I was led to having small "power" naps in class. One such day in a very boring human biology glass, my eyes started to close and my head stated to nod and before I knew it I was in the land of slumber. I'm not sure how much time had passed but I was startled awake by a sound followed by loud raucous laughter. Turned out the noise had infact come from my own posterior in the form of an audible fart. Thankfully the token hated fat kid was in my class and he took the blame and the brunt of the laughter and I as sure as hell wasn't going to correct them. I would apologise to him now BUT I tried to be nice to him in school (mostly out of sympathy) and he was always an arsehole in return, so suffer in your (or in this case mine) jocks.

The thing with farts is that you are never really alone, it is as if the universe goes "Hey, I see what you did there, let me send you someone to revel and share in your glory". It doesnt matter where you are, if you feel the need, and take a quick glance around and see you are alone and decide to squeeze one out, someone WILL show up. When out in public this is not so bad, you can walk away like nothing ever happened but if you are alone in a confined space, sorry to say you have to wear this one all yourself. I have been caught out many a time while I had my own office. No one would have come to see me all day but as soon as I farted someone would walk in and I would have to continue my conversation while pretending that everything was normal and thankfully they were generally polite enough to not say anything. I've now worked out how to combat this, let it out and then leave, no one will go into your office if you aren't there, it really is the perfect crime.

Funnily enough it would appear that your Telstra Automated service doesnt understand the language of the arse. Like so many other disgruntled Telstra customers I had a bill enquiry and had to call up to get it rectified. On going through and saying what I was after, I felt the familiar rumble in my stomach that soon turned into a rumble in the jungle, to which the Automated Telstra Operator replied "I'm sorry, I do not understand what you require, please repeat your request". I dont know if I should be proud or mortified that my arse was powerful enough to register with the Automator. I ended up having to hang up and call back later because I was laughing so hard.

I think this is what answers the phone when you call

There is always the tricky etiquette of passing wind whilst in the presence of your significant other. Early on in the relationship, it is def a no go. The first time I farted in front of Ikea Flat Pack I was so mortified that I wanted to die, it was one of those cheeky ones that slips out just as you are about to drift off to sleep. It startled me back to life and I lay there panicking that he wouldn't like me anymore. In reality though he probably didn't even hear it. Overtime though my defenses dropped and I was root toot tooting all over the country side. Oddly enough though in the 5 years we were together I heard him pass wind twice, and neither of those times I think I was meant to hear, its strange that a man doesn't fart, clearly I wore the pants in that relatinship in more ways than one.

The earlier that you bring flatulance into the equation in a relationship the more comfortable things will become (which may not always be a good thing). Early on in the piece with the Army Brat (and by early I'm talking about two weeks) we were snuggling on the couch when he started poking my stomach and tickling me, I warned him if he didn't stop I would be forced to fart on him and rather cockily he replied "You wouldn't dare" Well you can imagine his shock and surprise when the vibration travelled up his leg, but to my defence I did warn him. I should probably take this time to point out that our relationship was short lived and possibly it maybe had something to do with my flatulence. Farting is one thing but pooping is another thing, I still went home every day to do that.

By far the funniest story I've ever heard about farting though happened to a close friend of mine in her teenage years. Whilst on shift one day she felt the need to fart and on looking around couldn't see anyone so let it go, as if to prove my point that someone will ALWAYS appear, one of her work mates and a small child radiated towards her at that exact moment. On smelling the pungent odour in the air the workmate proclaimed "OH MY GOD that kid shat himself" seeing the easy out she acted disgusted and pulled a face and exclaimed loudly "My god, that is so disgusting, that kid did shit himself". So the small poor innocent child was blamed for the ass assault of an adult. She ended up owning up last year to the truth and the workmate was shocked and said he would need to change his story because for years he had been telling people the story of the little kid shitting himself in the underwater discovery.

I think I just sharted

Even the smelliest of farts that make your eyes water and your stomach turn can bring you closer to someone and help you to build lasting memories (Thanks Brendan and Darren, my Japan wouldn't have been the same without your arses). If you ever get to the point where you don't find farts funny then I really think its time to reassess life. If you are lucky enough to have me fart around you feel privileged, yes it may make you want to vomit, but it also means I actually care enough about you to give you everything that I have

Love and Poo Particles

Miss K

P.S farting is also a great way of getting rid of Telemarketers, just one root toot down the phone and they wont be calling you back for a while

P.P.S If you fart in someone else's car when they are putting in fuel, don't forget to wind down the windows. You don't want them to come back to a nasty surprise

P.P.P.S Why do farts smell so terrible in the shower and why does the urge to fart always come during adult relations (and no not what what in the butt relations either)