Wednesday, February 23, 2011

what a process.....

i am bouncing back and forth between all these great books.i'm back in the fear/love book. and i hit a part todaythat made my eyes get big.

it's about anger.

i don't like it when people are mad at me.well, i mean, who does?but i know i have this anger thing.an anger issue.and i thought i had it all figured out.if you're raised a certain way and the love can be takenaway, and if the person gets mad at you and then don'tlove you anymore....blah...blah...blah...we all know the deal.

and i guess this guy is sayin' the same thing.but the deal here is....this whole 'revamping my insides' place that i'm at right now...this whole whatever i'm doing has knocked me silly.

let me wander for a minute.try to explain.when i started my search ten years ago, i was convinced i hadto see myself. i have written numerous bone sighs about that. i neededto see myself to regain my power. that was my belief.

well, i never really got to where i felt like i did that. like i had originally wanted.and i got to a point where i gave up. thinking, okay, maybe itisn't THAT important. maybe it's even a good thing. maybe i shouldbe concentrating on other things.

and i kinda left that laying there.even tho i really knew better.

suddenly, years and years later i find myself in this revampingmy insides mode. and bam! and i mean BAM! without even thinkingabout it, i come face to face with some of my stuff i could neversee before.

bam.

and i know darn well this is what i meant years ago.this is the kinda seeing i meant.

and i tell you.......i really really really want to run.

now.it's not that i'm some kinda ugly soul that i can't face.and i keep tellin' myself that.it's that i'm seeing some stuff in ways i never saw them before.stuff about me.stuff about what drives me.

and that really bugs me cause i've done a lotta work and thought ihad really gotten further than i have. and that really discourages me.

and then, i tell myself, it's a layer. it's yet one more layer in thiswhole big doggone onion of yourself.

and 'onion' works great. cause i'm really filled with a feeling of'this stinks.'

does this mean as we get stronger, there's harder work to do?sure seems like it today. and this stinks.

and yet.....i do know.......that i'm seeing things like i never sawthem before. and that means i can get deeper inside me and heal inways i haven't before.

which leads me back to the anger topic.(taken from 'when love meets fear' by david richo)

he's talking about someone being angry with us and how most of usdon't see the real feelings that are going on. instead we'see the layers of drama that surround a feeling, i.e., the layersof ego, fear, attachment, control, judgment, entitlement. these areall forms of violation that are meant to engender fear. someone isangry at you.'....'the angry person is playing out a theatrical versionof anger which is really a combination of judgment, expectation,blame, threat, guilt tripping, etc. IN DRAMA, A SCARED EGO IS SEEING A SCARED CHILD.'

'why would we be scared by the ego layers of drama? because they say loudlyand clearly: you have to change, you are bad, you are wrong, you cannotfix this for me, you are worthless.'

'it can devastate your personal power and your self esteem. each oneof the dramatic layers is a verdict that triggers some old message:i am still at the mercy of another; i still can let other people get tome this way, i am feeling attacked and am out-of-control, utterly defenseless.'

this doesn't seem like it should be big news.and i guess i knew this stuff already.but when i read his words, i just kinda sat there.because right now i'm dealing with as honestly as i can,my feelings of my own worth.my own value.

and well.....let's just say on some level, they aren't as strongas i had hoped. and i see why i really don't like anger.

my gosh.i'm supposing that all this is going to lead me to strength andbelief.

but i tell ya....it's challenging me to say the least.

and yeah, maybe i couldn't have looked in this spot ten years ago.maybe i just couldn't have.

i'm gonna trust the process.....and i'm gonna keep on seeing.....

jeesh. i had no idea what i was getting myself into ten years ago...and i laugh as i type that.good thing.that's a good thing.some things you just need to kinda bump into.

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