Sex Tips For Geeks: On Being Good In Bed

Like being sexy and picking up women, and dating successfully, being
good in bed is a skill that will never develop if you fear failure too
much. Rather, it feeds on its own success. So the most important
thing you need to know about being good in bed is that it's not really
very complicated or difficult at all.

Oh, sure, if you're an accomplished sexual athlete/aesthete you can
pore over the Kama Sutra and try exotic positions and
dabble in sex toys and scented oils and variations for more than two
people. These things have their place and you'll get to them. But
they are really the last 10% of the experience; the first 90% percent
consists of learning how to have basic satisfying sex face-to-face
with one partner, factory equipment only.

Guys, a few simple techniques and the right attitude will get you most
of the way to that goal. And, by the way, part of the reason is
today's girls; it has been long enough since really effective and easy
contraception was first deployed in the early 1960s, and I doubt that
so many women have ever been more sexually sophisticated or less
inhibited in the whole prior history of the world than they are today.
You have it easier than you know. So begin with confidence...

Let's start with attitude. Remember that you're there to have fun
with your partner. Joy and satisfaction are the goals, whether the two
of you are just scratching a mutual itch or affirming a lifelong bond.
So be generous to your partner -- the satisfaction you give her will
come back to you. (This advice isn't quite as true for her,
unfortunately -- but we'll cover that below.)

There are three basic ways in which male and female sexual response
are different in bed that you'll need to keep in mind. These
differences determine the basic rhythm and pacing of good sex.

First: under ordinary circumstances she can have multiple orgasms in fairly
rapid succession, while you can't. This is the most important
difference and the one least affected by psychology, mental attitude,
or self-training.

Second: under ordinary circumstances, she will take more time to warm
up to the point where a really satisfying orgasm is possible than you
will. Intimacy and trust can shrink the difference but aren't likely
to erase it completely.

Third: her response will vary in subtler and less predictable ways
than yours. The best places to stimulate her will wander around;
also, women vary as to whether they want progressively heavier or
progressively lighter stimulation as they approach orgasm. Her
attitude and self-training matter here; women with more experience
and/or fewer inhibitions tend to have a simpler and more robust
response to stimulation, more like a man's.

These three differences set your basic policy. Unless you know
differently about the specific woman you're in bed with, the two basic
things you need to do to be a good lover are slow
down and pay attention.

The classic male failure mode is to jump on the woman, rush through
foreplay, plug a cock into her pussy, and gallop to orgasm before
she's even completely warmed up. If she comes at all under that kind
of treatment, it's going to be just a shadow of the rip-snortin'
multiorgasmic joyride a good lover would take her
on.

Cathy: "Yes, and she is likely to be angry with you for leaving
her hung up."

So slow down. You've got hands and lips. Use them. A few minutes of
good old-fashioned lip-to-lip smooching is always an appropriate
starter even if that's what you were doing before the clothes came
off. Run your hands gently over her body; women love the feeling of
being caressed all over, of being explored and owned by a lover's hands.
Try different levels of pressure from light to very firm. Pay
attention to the way her breathing and muscle tension changes as you
touch different parts of her in different ways; her body will tell you
what she likes, so you can do more of it.

Cathy: "If she wants you to speed up, she will probably say so."

The erotic sensitivity of her body is more diffused than yours, less
exclusively centered on her genitals. Use this fact. Where your
hands find a good response (especially a good response to light or
teasing touches) it is often wise to follow up with your lips and
tongue. Dial in on areas where the skin is naturally sensitive; the
neck, ears, the inner surfaces of arms and legs.

Cathy: "And if you get no response, or a confusing one, ask her
how she likes what you're doing! The message that you want to please
her will get through (even if the sex isn't perfect)."

Women dig men who exhibit this same kind of whole-body sensitivity as
much as men dig women who are readily satisfied by simple intercourse;
it's reassuring to them, it's a response they can identify with. So
cultivate whole-body sensitivity if you can. Your nipples are good
places to start; encourage her to tease them, and let it be known when
that's turning you on. She'll love you for this.

Cathy: "Allow me to emphasize the `let it be known when that's
turning you on' part. The most frustrating sexual encounter I ever
had was with a guy who did not react at all to anything I did."

In general, make noise when she's pleasing you. Feedback should go
both ways; she'll please you more, and enjoy you
more, if she knows which things she's doing right.

OK, so you've been doing horny things to each other for a while now
and she seems hot enough to fuck. Do you immediately perform a
genital docking maneuver? Nope. Not if you're smart. At this point,
dear geek, my advice for you is learn to love
cunnilingus.

Remember, she's capable of multiple orgasms. Your unassisted cock is
going to give her approximately one. I say `approximately' because
some women have trouble orgasming from genital intercourse alone
(though nowadays this is much less a problem than formerly; the
appropriate qualifier used to be "many women"). On the other
hand, if you're a stud with serious arousal control you may be able to
avoid popping while she has several (but this is wearing, and even
those of us who can do it tend to reserve it for special occasions).
It averages out to about one.

Cathy: "But that `one' is okay if both of you have a great time
with your erection while it lasts, and with the encounter in general.
Women don't really expect men to be sex gods -- they just want the
guys to try to meet their needs."

(Women: There's a flip side to this. If you just lie there waiting to
be aroused and penetrated, you are short-changing
him. Maybe he can't have as many orgasms as you, but that's
all the more reason to let your hands and lips roam. Tease him.
Thrill him. Rub your body against his. Be active. Make noise. Be
aggressive, even -- put his hands where you want them, squeeze his
cock or do something else to reward him when he does something you
like. If the classic male error is being too fast, the classic female
error is being too passive and expecting him to do all the work. Many
guys are so starved for decent feedback that they'll love you for
avoiding this mistake alone.)

The basic disparity between a man's typical single-peak response and a
woman's multiorgasmic capability is why cunnilingus is your friend,
and why (if you want to be remembered as a hot lover) the right
lead-in to genital sex is often some serious muff-diving. When a
woman has had several orgasms on the tip of your tongue, she's likely
to be forgiving even if you're so aroused that you explode immediately
on entry. Think of it as defensive programming...

Your basic good cunnilingus technique is to lap at her labia and
clitoris as if you were licking an ice-cream cone. Women vary a good
deal in their response to this kind of stimulation, so unless you know
your partner's preferences start light and slow and gradually crank up
the intensity until you find where she responds best. Note that some
women find direct tongue stimulation of the clitoris unbearably
intense at low arousal levels -- so, though it makes a tempting
target, you should sneak up on it gradually and be prepared to back
off if she shows signs of distress. Breaking off occasionally to kiss
and lick her inner thighs will tease her a bit and give you a rest.
Be creative!

(Women: when a man gives you a thorough licking, it's only courteous
to return the favor with some hearty fellatio just before he enters
you. It's also smart; a man concentrating hard on giving you pleasure
can lose some arousal levels, and you may well enjoy his cock more if
you polish up that erection a bit.)

Cathy: "Agreed. This is especially if the guy has had to lick you
a long time because it was hard for you to get aroused for some
reason. You kept him waiting, and fair is fair."

If you've set up your no-lose situation properly, you can safely let
instinct pretty much take over after the point of penetration. Paying
attention and slowing down is still a good idea, though. There are
various techniques for slowing down; one that I find effective is
to thrust deep and then just freeze, no genital or body motion
at all for a few seconds. (If your partner likes deep penetration
this will drive her berserk, so you'll get a double benefit).

Cathy: "Be careful about that thrust-and-hold maneuver if you're
built large. Some guys have this idea that they can't be good in bed
if they are not hung like a horse. Untrue! In fact, I have sad
memories of real pain that I suffered from well-meaning lovers who
were so well-endowed that each thrust hurt. You don't need to be
thick and long. Thick and short will fill her up quite nicely in most
cases, because the vagina doesn't have very many nerve endings and
much of the sensation comes from the lateral stretching a thick cock
provides. And if you're short and thin...well, as Eric said, you
still have lips and hands. One of the best lovers I ever had was
short and thin, but his mouth and hands made up for it."

Sensible women will tell you when they're reaching the big-thunderclap
final orgasm; in fact, enthusiastic ones not infrequently scream it
loudly enough to scandalize the neighbors. If you're paying
attention, you'll get fairly clear indications even when she's not
vocal; whole-body tremors are a common sign. If you can pace things
so you let go just after she begins to climax, that's about ideal.

If you arranged things properly, the two of you are having a thumping
good mutual orgasm about now. Enjoy your reward. If you feel so
inclined, roaring and bellowing in harmony with her cries of ectasy is
quite good manners at this point. She'll feel appreciated.

Cathy: "However, don't bellow directly in her
ear..."

Congratulations. But you are not quite done yet, stud. Never
underestimate the importance of the post-coital cuddle. Chicks dig
this amazingly. Just hold her gently for a while (murmured
endearments and light kisses are optional but usually much
appreciated). Let the afterglow happen. You will score serious
points for this, even if you wander off to hack a few minutes
later.

Cathy: "This can be a good time to talk quietly about personal
things, if you are trying to get to know her better."

Note: I have just laid out a template for good basic sex. It works --
if you follow it you won't go far wrong. However, beware of taking it
too literally. As in other kinds of art, over-reliance on technique
tends to produce mechanical, joyless results. No woman wants to feel
like a paint-by-numbers diagram or an obstacle course; if you find
yourself mentally checking off boxes on a rote grand tour of her
erogenous zones, it's not likely to work well for either of you.

Tastes differ, and you need to adapt to local conditions with each
partner. Some women will really get off on having their nipples
sucked; others are almost indifferent to it. A few prefer shallow
penetration to deep. Notice these differences (and others) and use
them.

You will also occasionally run into special situations in which her
particular needs are so pressing that your own gratification runs a
very distant second to satisfying her. The most common of these is
virginity. If the woman tells you she is a virgin, or you discover it
through the presence of an intact hymen (a membrane half-blocking
access to the vagina), feel extremely honored that she has trusted you
to help her have a good first experience. A woman's first time is
more difficult than a man's and may involve minor pain and bleeding as
the hymen ruptures. Accordingly, you need to be extra gentle and
extra careful that she is extremely aroused before penetration, so
that any discomfort will quickly be washed away by pleasure. The
post-coital cuddle is especially important with a virgin; you could
literally shape her attitude towards men and sex for the rest of her
life with that few minutes of kindness.

In general, remember the objectives: joy and satisfaction. Pay
attention to her feedback and tune your behavior accordingly. Answer
her desires, and let her know when she's answering yours.
That, not physical equipment or fancy moves, is what will
make you terrific in bed.

(Material on many of the topics covered here can be found in the
alt.sex FAQ. It
is somewhat dated in parts but still useful.)