I’m 31, he’s 19. We live apart. Is it doomed?

I’m 31, he’s 19. We live apart. Is it doomed?

Archived

–,
Friday,
October,
26,
2012,(8:11am)

Dear Bossy: I’ve been reading and loving your blog for a long time.

I’m a 31 year old woman, recently separated. I always thought our marriage was good, we were best friends (most of the time), but he had issues I couldn’t get past. I thought what I had was love, but I realised in the end that it was only friendship. I’ve moved out, and I love it on my own. I don’t miss him at all.

Around the time I left my marriage, I met someone else. We didn’t meet in person, but kept in touch via chat and email. I fell in love with him, but couldn’t seem to understand how it was possible… I didn’t want a new relationship or having to deal with emotions.

We met in person later on and it was as if I had come home. I didn’t ever want to leave his arms.

My problem in which I’m seeking advice is this.

The new guy is completely wrong for me. He is only 19! He’s had a rough life with drugs and violence (which he is done with) He lives overseas, and he will soon leave to join the army. He wants to marry me and have children with me. I have 2 children from my first marriage and had no plans on ever getting married or having more children. I certainly cannot move anywhere or travel with him to wherever he might go. Thing is… I’ve fallen for this guy, despite the age and background differences. The timing is completely wrong, and we are on different places in our lives. Is there any way we can work? Or is this just a dream waiting to be crushed?

I’m willing to have my heart broken, because at least it means I’ve been in love and given him everything I’ve got. Thing is, I don’t want to break his.

I’m terrified of bringing a 19 year old home to my parents and children...I live in a small community and have heard what people say about other people in similar situations. I’m not a fan of “caring what people think”, but can’t help it playing on my mind still.

Should I stand up for this love? Or is it already doomed?

Thanks Bossy.

Best wishes, Someone who thought she knew it all.

Bossy says: If you’ve been reading the blog for a long time you probably have a fair idea what I’m going to say. And what it means to be posted on a Friday.

Is this relationship doomed? Without a doubt. Will you still dive right into it and “stand up for love”?. Almost certainly.

The truth is this relationship is more of a fantasy than a reality for you both. You’re uncomfortably like one of those women who have a relationship with a prisoner and convince herself that the murderer they’ve been corresponding with for years is really a sweet loveable bloke.

For you this young man - who probably treats you with reverence- is a sanctuary. For him you represent an escape, from his messy past. But the truth is we don’t often escape ourselves. And while right now you look into the heart of that relationship and see yourself through each other’s shiny idealistic eyes, this can change very quickly and when the blinkers come off you are both left once again with yourselves.

I do believe people can turn corners in their life but I’d be pretty wary of a young man who says he’s left behind drugs and violence, in particular the violence. Oh, and the drugs. It’s easy to say you will not be violent or use drugs when you are being buoyed by the infatuation of a new relationship. But that doesn’t mean it won’t change very quickly down the track.

It also doesn’t mean people don’t deserve chances, but in this case what chance have you really got as a couple? He wants to pursue a career in the army. You can’t go with him, you have children to care for where you are. So any relationship you have will remain hopelessly estranged. You also say he wants a wife and children but you’ve been there done that already.

You also have to remember you barely know each other so while it feels like you’ve known each other all your lives what you actually know is the projection of yourselves onto each other. You see what you want to see. And that intoxicating image is what makes you suddenly think “we actually might have a perfect life together”.
I’m not saying you don’t have chemistry or attraction or desire. You probably do. But unfortunately those can easily be mistaken for something far more lasting. And it’s the way you end up having a baby with a man you never want to see again in 18 months time. Desire. Oops.
Honestly I don’t think pursuing this is about ‘standing up for love’. I think it’s about indulging a fantasy, one that will come crashing down within a couple of years. But I understand it’s hard to deter someone from the thought that maybe – just maybe - you really are made for each other.

There is no doubt that if you went ahead you would enjoy a wild and exciting ride. Infatuation does that. But if you go ahead you do need to consider the costs of that wild ride, namely the effect it will have on your children, your relationship with friends and family and also on him.

If you do go ahead tread carefully. Don’t make any major commitments. A relationship is one thing. Moving states, getting maries, selling homes, merging finances or having babies another. Steer clear of all of it for the foreseeable future.
All the best

It is not the age that presents a problem. Unusual as it is, it is not completely impossible to have a happy marriage where the wife is twelve (or more!) years older than her husband.

What is a problem, is (1) the fact that he wants children, whereas you do not want any more; (2) neither of you are willing to change your plans to move to be close to each other; and (3) most importantly, he has a past steeped in lawlessness and violence.

Remember, you have two small chiildren, and must keep their welfare in mind. Any man you choose must not only be a good husband for you, but a good step-father to your children. To choose otherwise would be the height of selfishness.

Don’t listen to what half the cranks who respond to this blog have to say. You go ahead and be yourself. If you want to weep go ahead and weep.

Don’t let other people put you in a shoebox.

Be who you are and the noisy armchair critics can go and take a flying fandango.

Ra replied to Ethel Sidebottom
Fri 26 Oct 12 (12:32pm)

Ethel! You’re not weeping for society today!

I agree 100% that no matter what you do OP, you must remember that your children are your number 1 priority. Aside from that, screw all the haters in your small home town and go for gold. Who are they to judge your circumsatnces.

leelee replied to Ethel Sidebottom
Fri 26 Oct 12 (01:33pm)

Ethel dear, I find myself agreeing with you on yet another Bossy topic. I can think of three possible reasons:

- I am becoming more conservative and “old fashioned” as I mature

- You are mellowing (does this mean no more weeping? I do love the weeping!)

- I have lost my mind…

Rowan replied to Ethel Sidebottom
Fri 26 Oct 12 (02:50pm)

And the fact that she’s recently separated from someone she thought she was in love with, and is now in love with the very next guy.

That’s not a good thing. That fact by itself says a lot.

jackcash replied to Ethel Sidebottom
Fri 26 Oct 12 (04:21pm)

Good to see you have stopped weeping for society Ethel.

Semiotic replied to Ethel Sidebottom
Sun 28 Oct 12 (10:10am)

No weeping Ethel...?

he’s looking for the “mum” in you which he may need reading into his past. but you have 2 children already, you don’t need a third, and then more with him.

this relationship will not work long term - you will get sick of mothering him and need him to grow up, which he may never do

OP, you say that your ex-husband had issues that you couldn’t move past, yet this kid with his history of drugs and alcohol is okay? Seriously? Christ woman, take off the blinders and face reality. This bloke is good for a fling. That’s all.

OP I don’t think you’re a fruitcake and I don’t think it is automatically doomed either.

You say you’re only recently separated which means you’ve probably only known your new guy for a short time. I think it’s highly possible that you’re lusting after him because he is so very different to your ex, and there’s every chance it will wear off after the honeymoon period ends.

Don’t do anything crazy, but don’t give up on it either. You really don’t need to get knocked up to a 19 year old so take things slow and see where it leads.

The best thing about this is he’s overseas soon and joining the army. Enjoy the fantasy, the great sex but keep him out of the rest of your life. Don’t introduce him to your parents (WTF?); try to have your kids minded elsewhere when you see him (so confusing for kids) and email, chat away. You will waste years on this when you might have had a chance to remarry. Don’t marry and have kids with him. It could be such a disaster. I spent 11 years in just such a fantasy relationship but no drug or violence issues, just 14 years younger and basically booty calls. Do I regret it? No. Am I a bit nutty? Most definitely! Just realise you may not be cut out for a conventional life and enjoy. But keep strong boundaries around this folly of the heart.

Here’s the thing. I think you might be an incredibly selfish prig of a woman, but I’m not 100% sure. It all depends on what you mean by “he had issues I just couldn’t get past”. If that means he had a gambling or WoW addiction that he refused to work on, or he was a lazy unemployed slob who didn’t help out with the kids-- then you totally did the right thing to leave him.

But, you also describe him as your best friend (most of the time) and don’t mention any trauma leading up to your separation. Then of course there’s this infatuation with your dream guy, whom you are currently pretending looks like a 19-yr-old with a rough background.

So on a balance of probabilities, I’m going with incredibly selfish prig of a woman. I bet you didn’t think once about what your husband needed from your relationship because you were too busy thinking about what you wanted. Even having children didn’t help you become more other-person-centred.

Now you have removed your children from their father (that’s three broken hearts right there; your responsibility) and are contemplating bringing a potentially volatile person as a father-figure into their lives, even though YOU AND MR 19 WANT DIFFERENT THINGS. But, you’re happy to stuff your kids up even more than you already have by tearing their family (and security) apart, for some good sex and a bit of excitement.

I bet you also believe in true love, and that good relationships just happen without you having to put in hard work, communicate, compromise, and make your partner’s wellbeing a priority.

I really hope you snap out of this ridiculous fantasy. Try “standing up for love” by working on having a solid, peaceful relationship with your ex for the sake of your children.

Op, are you a politician? Writer of sad erotic fan fiction online? I’m just wondering how you packed so many nauseating cliches into one little letter.

The worst cliche: he’s turned his back on violence and drugs now and he’s 19 years old. Excuse me a moment, I need the ladies room. Okay there went breakfast. Look how long was this violent past he let go of. He left his past at 18/19. That doesn’t really happen. He will likely relapse more than once in the next few years.

OP if you were actually meant to be/true loves/made for each other (excuse me, gagging) you wouldn’t lose out by taking things slow.

That’s a pretty decent age difference. 12 years isn’t insurmountable, but think about how old he really is. Think back to yourself at 19 and whether you really, truely, knew what you wanted.

Some people are switched on from a young age but most people are only starting out finding out who they are. And, to make a generalisation, someone who has a history of drugs and violence will probably take a while to adjust to a different way of living.

Or you could think of it this way:
You met this guy after you’d just come out of a relationship = rebound.
He has a history of drugs and violence = bad boy
He says he wants to change = you want to help ‘convert’ him
Your friends and family would disapprove = you feel like a rebel
He’s likely moving away = you want to hold on to him

This all points me to the conclusion that the relationship is exciting and pulls at your ‘lost little boy’ heartstrings, but it is ultimately unhealthy. Bear in mind you have a couple of children to consider, and how this relationship could affect them - both if it were successful and if it were not.

I would suggest that, if you don’t want to write it off completely, then slow down a bit. If you’re ‘meant to be’ then you should be able to survive his absence while he’s posted overseas. It sounds like it would be a regular thing, anyway. So stay in touch but wait to see if you’re still as starry-eyed in six months or a year, and whether he really is able to turn the corner. By then he’ll have turned 20.

OP when you said “He lives overseas, and he will soon leave to join the army.” I read “He lives his own life seeing all sorts of different people and he’s saying he’s joining the Army so he can be away for long periods of time without raising suspicion”.

Sorry.

Oh, and he’s 19. And has a violent past. And has a drug issue.

Think of the children. Is he really the right person to be in your life and having any sort of influence on them? Really?

Listen to your instincts. You know in your heart your relationship with this man will end in tears. Most men don’t mature until they’re 30 (or more!) This is a boy who needs time to grow up. Not to mention the drugs and violence! EEK! Major red flags!
Concentrate on your children. Really, the last thing they need is another child (basically he is a kid) competing for your time and affection. No matter how well you think they are coping with the divorce, it is an upsetting and traumatic time and they should be your focus.
I know it’s not what you want to hear and I’m sorry, but hell, you’re life is pretty good! Don’t stuff it up! How would you feel if you take the chance, bring this man into your life and he hurt your kids!

Oh rubbish. He’s 19, not 9. She is neither a child molester or a predator. Honestly, age gaps between couples are completely normal and have been for 1000s of years.

Will it work as a long term relationship? it might. i know a couple who got together when she was 17 and he was 30. 11 years later, they just got married and a baby.

But i think the OP knows in her heart that this is Rebound Boy. Don’t get pregnant. Don’t introduce him to your family. Do have a good time honestly. Try not to break his heart or have your heart broken.

Dear someone who thought she knew it all,
you are terrified of bringing a 19 year old home to your parents and children because of what people will say. Fair enough.

But what about bringing someone with a background of drugs and violence home to your children? Isn’t that more important? Isn’t that scarier?

You say he is done with it. You believe that because you feel at home in his arms. Perhaps he believes it as well. Perhaps it is even true? But it would be automatic in this situation to look at a) whether he has broken ties with the violent and drug using contacts of his past b) how long it has been since he participated in such behaviour and c) whether he has replaced that lifestyle and those contacts with something consistently productive.

“soon leave to join the army” does not qualify for c), having just joined the army does not qualify for c), it means having stuck to something for years and made a go of it.

Don’t fall into a “but my love for him is what will make the difference” view. If he wants to change he will, if he does not want to he won’t. Note that propensity for drugs and violence are going to be associated with manipulativeness and a tendency to rationalise/self-deceive - characteristics that your present state of excitement make you vulnerable to and gullible about respectively.

“I’m willing to have my heart broken, because at least it means I’ve been in love and given him everything I’ve got. Thing is, I don’t want to break his.” In some contexts, that could be a mature and genuinely caring way to think. But in this it is a combination of thrill seeking masochism and taking too much responsibility for someone else - to a point which is unhealthy for him and you.

(This context being that your ex was dumped for just being a friend, the age difference and the bad background - oh that poor little bad boy that I want to help and risk it all with!)

You want to know if it is doomed? Probably, a massive argument for it being doomed is that you have not asked the right question. What people will think of you over the 31 to 19 age gap is inconsequential compared to whether he will be good for your children.

In addition, you don’t seem to have committed yourself to developing the skills to deal with someone with that kind of background. You would have to be very objective about identifying boundaries and firm about maintaining them.

I think your issue is finding a man who can give you enough to be realistically satisfied. You have gone from someone who was really just a friend to someone who is meeting your pent up need for emotional intensity but who may not give you a stable relationship (taking into account your children’s needs).

As a society I think we need to let go of the idea that the end goal of every relationship needs to be marriage and children.

It is a perfectly valid choice to enjoy something - such as your current relationship - knowing that it is what it is - a fling - and that it won’t (and shouldn’t) go any further. That at some point in the future the relationship will come to an end (probably when you no longer need each other) and that this is ok.

A broken heart is not the worst thing in the world so don’t miss out on the chance at being happy now just because the relationship is unlikely to last. But also don’t be nieve, see things for what they are and like Bossy said don’t go fooling yourself that it’s something more, or making any life decisions that will have long term ramifications.

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