Monthly Archives: May 2016

I like Google, even though they’re certainly not perfect. They have a tendency to mislead and overwhelm, as well as an inordinately high tolerance for crap. Despite this, they’re damn useful.

Google also provides other services. Today, you could lead a Google life. That is, if you don’t happen to have one of your own, or if you’re seeking a technology-based meaning to life—a digital guru in the cloud who didn’t have to study yoga or climb an actual mountain in the Himalayas.

Google’s Official Blog was referenced in today’s news. Specifically mentioned, a milestone for Google Photos, a service that allows you to organize and access all of your photos from the many devices that you might own; no doubt, a service appreciated by photo hobbyists and those with a scrolling fetish.

BUT…

One bizarrely interesting comment caught my attention:

And in just a year, 200 million of you have…taken 24 billion selfies.

24 BILLION selfies in one year!

For the record, there is no truth to the rumor that half of these were taken by one aspiring fashion model from Lubbock, TX.

In fairness, a new self-portrait every three days may just be a love affair.

However, having never taken a selfie, I have to wonder what is the fascination with posting one’s own likeness on the cloud? It’s fair to ask:

Does a user recall these photos on mobile devices when they forget who they are and what they look like?

If not, what is the purpose?

Are most selfies at all interesting…to other people?

In the majority of photos, is the subject’s underwear clean?

Okay, that last one may not be entirely fair. Chances are a few of these selfies are not what is traditionally called a boudoir photo, and sexting is only popular 24/7.

Photo captions are another organization worry. This enormous output must cause a strain to avoid repetition. After all, how many synonyms are there for braless?

Naturally, we must also consider the mundane. Some people may simply want to document their participation in a once-in-a-lifetime event, such as dancing at the funeral of your exes divorce lawyer.

Still, 120 selfies per year smacks a bit of narcissism.

Consider old-school portrait photos: It was a burdensome and entirely frivolous family event. Everyone, down to the smallest child, was dressed in their Sunday best. Dad drove the clan down to Sears where they offered an exceptionally good sale on a Portrait Package that mom would not let him pass up under penalty of burnt dinners and sexual deprivation
(See: Marriage, normal).

“Smile,” said the photographer.

CLICK!

Then, the salesperson pitches, “Upgrade to our Deluxe Package and we’ll include 264,000 wallet photos that you can use to annoy friends, relatives and complete strangers.”

With mom laundering the appropriate clothing for everyone, last minute haircuts, soiled clothing swaps, shoe shines, and pestering dad until he admits that in his old age he may like to remember what his children looked like when they were still speaking to him…
TOTAL ELAPSED TIME: Approximately 4 to 8 hours.

Compare to the average adult selfie today:

Charge phone. Search for a teenager who uses more English than unintelligible slang and is willing to explain how to take a picture on your iPhone. Negotiate price. Stop at the store and purchase a large bag of chips to keep the teen from eating everything in your refrigerator. Restrain yourself from commenting on his\her hygiene\fashion sense\haircut\indolence. Write down the pertinent directions on a notepad. Force a smile when the teen laughs and corrects your inevitable misunderstandings. Take a few test shots of the dog. When finally satisfied, push the teen out the nearest door. Mix appropriately strong cocktails. Drink until a selfie seems like a good idea. Pick a pose that doesn’t irritate your arthritis. Take your selfie and get redressed…CURRENT TOTAL ELAPSED TIME: Approximately 4 to 8 hours plus 6 months hiding ashamedly in your house to avoid everyone who might have seen the pic.

Obviously, selfies are NOT a significant savings of time or money. Some milestone there, Google!

Parting Funny:My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father. — Wendy Liebman

Like this:

Perhaps the oldest cliché in every class and text on the craft of writing is: Write what you know.

Fair enough.

No one writes War and Peace on a first attempt. The familiar is a comfortable place for any novice to start. It’s also entirely sensible to assume that a novice would be able to describe something familiar to them, and that telling a story about known people and places will add a touch of realism to their writing.

BUT…

The familiar has other uses.

Never Lost In Unfamiliar Territory
Let’s assume that action-adventure writers have never tried to smuggle a nuclear device into London. Further, romance writers have never had their bodice ripped, and science fiction writers have not beaten NASA to Mars. Such situations are obviously NOT familiar to the writer. Of course, there may be exceptions.

I write fantasy. What else can a troll do?

Genre fiction by nature offers the reader a flight of fancy, an escape into imagination, which is exactly where the reader wishes to be. However, regardless of the imaginary destination, it is the familiar that grounds the reader in the story.

If you’re uncertain if your writing belongs in the Adults Only category, find an adult and ask them.

In science fiction, humans may negotiate with aliens, but is this really that much different than the United Nations? Are the translation difficulties, the ease of misunderstanding, or the lack of many common references the stuff of fiction or a simple fact of life in international politics? Obviously, the latter is true, and introducing ET or moving our conversation from New York to Alpha Centauri does not change the familiar aspects of the situation.

Or, the opportunities for humor.

Lieutenant Worf: Mrs. Troi… I must protest your unauthorized presence on the bridge!Lwaxana Troi: [pointing to tactical console] What does that little one do Mr. Woof?
– Star Trek: The Next Generation, Paramount Television

Directions: Add Humor Here
Adding a touch of humor to your writing uses the same cliché as a basic writing class—with just a little twist. Write what you know becomes Laugh at what we all know.

Fiction may be imagination run amok but it is always grounded in the familiar. Those familiar bits ARE your opportunities for humor.

(Arriving at restaurant) “Sorry I’m late, mother.”
“I didn’t wait. I’ve already eaten.”(to waiter) “Then, I’ll just have dessert with a side order of shame, please.”

While you may not have had an overbearing mother, the character is so familiar that your readers can easily relate the situation to their own experience. Place your overbearing mother in Philadelphia, Beijing, or on a spaceship to Saturn’s moons and the character is still identifiable. This familiarity is relevant to the reader regardless of venue, and a joke grounded in the familiar has an easily understood reference.

A Familiar Example
Situation comedies are a television staple for good reason. No matter how exaggerated the characters or the humor, the situation itself grounds the comedy.

One very popular show, The Big Bang Theory (Warner Brothers Television) offers us a look into nerd nirvana. Although the distinction between a nerd and a geek is always arguable, the familiarity of a socially-awkward intellectual is not. We all know someone who is more comfortable with an equation than with another human being. However, Big Bang’s humor is not based on insider jokes for theoretical physicists. It’s based on the easily identifiable aspects of the characters and the situation.

Leonard: I did a bad thing.Sheldon: Does it affect me?Leonard: No.Sheldon: Then suffer in silence.

“Hilarious!”

While the audience members likely can’t relate to the latest advances in String Theory or astrophysics, they have all experienced selfishness and a lack of empathy at some time in their lives. Immediate grounding equals immediate humor.

No matter where your story takes you, from steamy romance in a European castle to the outer reaches of the galaxy, our shared human experience is always present, always familiar, and always an opportunity for funny.

Like this:

One of the major complaints about both television and the internet is the pervasive belief that they have been dumbed down to the lowest common denominator. That is, TV and the web actively promote the same idea:

Stupid is an acceptable lifestyle.

I completely disagree!

A Few Facts
No one wants to be considered stupid.

Note, ignorance and stupidity are often considered equals; they are not. They are viewed as equals only because all humans regularly suffer from them.

I don’t get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there’s no rehab for stupidity. – Chris Rock

One part of embracing your humanity is recognizing that we are all ignorant on a topic or two or two hundred thousand, and we all succumb to bouts of stupidity, normally each and every day.

BUT…

Progress DEMANDS that we fight ignorance and stupidity.

We need new socially acceptable tools.
Social media has many virtues. However, truth, erudition and enlightenment must compete with ‘dreck’—the technical term for ‘I read your post, and am now convinced our educational system is dead.’

Worse, many online arguments try to prove completely invalid points despite mounds of refuting evidence. Honestly, people argue over ‘crap’ (another technical term) that any moderately motivated fifth grader could research from credible sources in a matter of minutes.

Still, there must be some way to fight the lowest common denominator in our major entertainment and information systems.

Fortunately, I have a few modest suggestions.

Television Proposal
All television rating agencies that supply set-top boxes to record and collect consumer TV ratings must also supply boxes to every zoo in the country. Any television show that receives an equal or higher rating from average chimpanzees than from average consumers must be immediately cancelled.

Social Media Proposal
Here, there are several options:

The internet has a variety of adaptable error messages. For example, ‘ERROR 404 – Page not found’ can be easily adapted to:

ERROR IQ-404 Brain not found.

Consider, highlighting an internet error is certainly more polite than pointing out that someone’s nearest evolutionary relative is a mollusk.

Alternatively, we can create new emoticons. Since I’m not a graphic artist, I’ll just describe a couple of possibilities:

I realize a book may be frightening for some people, but there is nothing wrong with them. Honest.

Emoticon 2 – Bats in a belfry.MEANING: Mental health services are available in your area—take the hint.

Discontinue commenting if the targeted user starts feeding the bats.

Lastly, we could always mimic the ‘LIKE’ button with a one-click ‘IDIOT’ button. It’s fast and easy; perfect for both active students and busy professionals. If a user collects 100 or more ‘IDIOT’ clicks in any one month, the forum moderators should consider using my proposed one-click ‘FLUSH’ button.

Conclusion
The reason for the lowest common denominator is NOT that the majority of television viewers or internet users are idiots. It’s because we don’t hold the idiots and outright liars accountable. Frankly, it takes too much time, which is why my fast and easy proposals make so much sense. Promote them NOW!

Like this:

I’ve been asked why I highlight old-time comedians like Carl Reiner. I would think the answer is obvious, but just in case, here it is: Anyone who wishes to study working comedians has several options.

A) The Beginner (Open Mike Night) – This is a great venue. Many newcomers are quite talented. You’ll also see a lot of flop sweat and the occasional crash and burn. Worth a listen.

B) The Headliner – Comedians with a solid act can be seen nearly everywhere: Comedy clubs, television, magazine articles, books, the internet, etc. Here you can see both the solid professional and the latest fad performer (AKA one-shot wonders). Absolutely worth a listen.

C) Old Timers – A few writers and performers have successfully navigated a fifty-year career in comedy. When they offer advice, you’ll notice that all of the intelligent people in the room shut up, give them their full attention, and take notes.

I had the privilege of attending a lecture\interview with Carl Reiner some years ago at a writer’s conference in Los Angeles. I hung on every word. Reiner learned to type as a soldier in WWII. However, we’ll skip over his first efforts as a writer, which no doubt produced such prize winning lines as, ‘The Third Army needs more toilet paper. Ammo would also be nice.’

His first notable success, Reiner appeared as a regular performer on Sid Ceasar’s Your Show of Shows, however he spent a great deal of time with the writers, who included such greats as Mel Brooks, Neil Simon and Larry Gelbart. This led Reiner to further explore his writing potential on Ceasar’s Hour, a successor to the Show of Shows that today we would call a spinoff. Reiner also produced a somewhat autobiographical book, Enter Laughing, which would later be adapted for a play, a movie and a musical.

Next, a pilot script for a sitcom called, Man of the House, which was finally picked up by the network and renamed, The Dick Van Dyke Show, for which Reiner won five Emmys (three as a writer).

The Dick Van Dyke Show will be remembered as classic television for as long as we have TV’s. Carl Reiner’s recurring role as the iconic, dictatorial Alan Brady caricatured the nightmare boss as peals of laughter rang out across the country. But more importantly, the cast, some of the finest comedic talent in the country, were encouraged to shine.

Mel Cooley(Richard Deacon): I need a place to hide.Buddy Sorrell(Morey Amsterdam): Quick, grow some hair.

Rob Petrie(Dick Van Dyke): This girl typed like the wind—she blew every word.

Stevie Parsons(Richard Schaal): Are the fellas all still chasing you around?Sally Rogers(Rose Marie): Well, I don’t wanna say anything, but coming down on the subway, I had to change my seat five times.Stevie Parsons: Some guy got fresh with you?Sally Rogers: Yeah, finally.

Reiner also cast Mary Tyler Moore as the show’s female lead, Laura Petrie, a serious new contender for ‘America’s Sweetheart.’

Rob Petrie:[discussing boat, not knowing Laura easily suffers seasickness] It’ll be fun.Laura Petrie: I don’t think so.Rob Petrie: Why?Laura Petrie: Well, because ever since I was a kid, I’ve hardly ever had a good time while nauseous.

“Hilarious!”

Reiner has one other very enviable talent. He is a great straight man. He’s worked with some of the funniest comedians of all time. His phenomenally cool straight man with Mel Brooks on The 2000 Year Old Man inspired numerous sequels, won a Grammy and was rereleased on its 50th anniversary in 2009.

Reiner has remained active writing, acting and directing into his nineties. He received the Mark Twain Prize for American Humor in 2000, and he has yet to stop entertaining us.

So, what’s my favorite insight from Carl Reiner? With no exaggeration, there are quite a few, but I’ve always liked this one:

Inviting people to laugh with you while you are laughing at yourself is a good thing to do. You may be a fool but you’re the fool in charge.

Being self-deprecating is great fun, but when writing and performing your own material, never forget who’s in charge. Marvelous!

Parting Funny:The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it’s just sort of a tired feeling. — Paula Poundstone

Like this:

The candidates for the 2016 Presidential Election are working hard to get their messages out to the voters. However, like all politicians, they try to focus on issues that have an immediate emotional impact. ‘Make ’em laugh;’ ‘Make ’em cry;’ and ‘Scare the crap out of ’em’ are, of course, the most popular themes. However, running for president also requires a talent for innuendo. What’s an exhilarating presidential campaign without a little implied joie de scandel sexuelle, or catching your opponent embroiled in la joie du crime.

Either may be loosely translated as: “Gotcha!”

BUT…

No matter what the tabloids say, with Trump age 69, Hillary 68, and Sanders 74, none can claim that they are pregnant with Kanye West’s love child. Ergo, they must focus on less titillating issues such as unemployment, healthcare and finding good Chinese on the campaign trail.

Even so, there are many issues that are not getting a fair share of media attention, and the voters have the right to be fully informed. In order to help, I have asked the candidates to state their Campaign 2016 positions on:

Paying Your Nanny Under the TableDonald: No need. I just have them deported.Hillary: No need. For some strange reason, Bill always pays them more than enough to keep them quiet.Bernie: No need. Have you seen the price of a Nintendo? Once the minimum wage goes to $15 and hour, the kids will be lining up to babysit themselves.

Funding the SPCADonald: Don’t worry, I have the best of the best foreign policy. SPCA, isn’t that a rebel group in some banana republic. Nicaragua, I think. I was fully briefed. The capitol city is Guatemala, and they’re fighting like dogs down there. We should stay out of it.Hillary: It’s covered. I simply leak to the Koch brothers that stray dogs and cats are hard-right Republicans. The SPCA will have its own PAC by nightfall.Bernie: With my plan, they’re fully funded with a nominal tax on bunny slippers.

Controlling the Zika VirusDonald: I’m going to build a HUGE mosquito net on the border. Don’t worry, I’ll make Brazil pay for it.Hillary: It’s foolish not to follow the recommendations of the World Health Organization. Once their plan is implemented, it’s usually only a matter days before Doctors Without Borders comes in to rescue the situation.Bernie: Education is the answer. Education and single-payer mosquito repellent.

Will You Visit the Holocaust Museum?Donald: Of course not. I want to talk to the Jews who weren’t captured and killed.Hillary: I’ve already emailed them for tickets. Even with the FBI opening my mail, they should arrive by June.Bernie: That’s a difficult situation. Culturally, I’m inclined to visit, but as a presidential candidate determined to be inclusive, I’d have to visit everyone else’s museum, which is impossible. Let’s just say the KKK and I have issues.

Going to MarsDonald: America will lead the way into space. Once I make the country great again, I’m going to build the biggest rocket you’ve ever seen. It’ll be HUGE! Putin and I might go together.Hillary: For every dollar spent on NASA programs, that research has generated up to twelve dollars in the private sector. Going to Mars should be equally productive—so, money well spent. Plus, I’ll authorize
Double-Coupon Tuesdays.Bernie: Absolutely! If we find life on Mars, it will be the most fantastic discovery in the history of mankind. Right up there with Viagra and Play-Doh.

International Fishing RightsDonald: We caught ’em. We’re keeping ’em.Hillary: Agreement is certainly possible. Sustainability is the key. Don’t you also want your grandchildren to pay through the nose for sushi?Bernie: Did I mention that I tie my own flies?

Like this:

Everyone develops skill sets. We learn; we practice, and even after we’ve mastered a particular skill, we exercise to keep ourselves sharp.

If I don’t practice one day, I know it; two days, the critics know it; three days, the public knows it.
– Jascha Heifetz, World-renowned Violinist

Comedy writing is a skill.
Writers are constantly developing. They read voraciously. They attend courses and seminars, and collect new ideas on scraps of paper and in notebooks. They have the discipline to keep their butt in the chair, pounding a keyboard, hour after hour, day after day. Yet, for some strange reason, most writers fail to recognize two important aspects of their lifestyle:

1. Your wide butt is not due to middle age.
2. Adding a touch of humor to your writing requires practice.

Focus is not required.
It’s irrational for a writer to focus a lot of time and energy on any genre but their own.

Let’s do a simple calculation based on a 5-day workweek. If you were to spend one hour a day on developing your humor skills, that’s 5 hours a week. That adds up to 260 hours a year.

Now, if you only work 40 hours a week. (Right!)

260 / 40 = 6.5 weeks a year practicing humor writing.

Six and a half weeks each year focused on a genre not your own! That’s crazy!

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans are suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they’re okay, then it’s you. – Rita Mae Brown

Solution #1
It’s a stretch, but let’s assume that you’re not crazy. You are going to focus your time and energy on your primary genre. So, how can you get in a bit of guilt-free daily practice writing humor?

Will you get a laugh from your friends every day? Not likely, but you may get a smile. That’s a nice compliment.

Fortunately, my ego accepts all offered praise, no matter how cheap.

Example B: Add extra items to the shopping list that you hand to your spouse:

Milk

Ketchup

Enough Reese’s Pieces to Attract ET

By deliberately sprinkling bits of humor throughout the day, you’re not giving up large blocks of time. You’re writing a dozen or more jokes that require just a few seconds apiece, painlessly developing your humor-muscle memory.

Solution #2
Social media has a huge advantage. Here it is:

🙂

You can attempt a one-liner on nearly any topic and follow up with an ‘I’m just kidding’ smiley face. Since you’re more than likely going to be checking your favorite forums anyway, use this as an opportunity to practice.

Caveat: Avoid commenting on irrational or fanatical posts unless you’re looking for a new stalker.

“Hilarious!”

Example C: I came across a posting from a young lady who blasted her exes, her “fake-ass friends” and anyone who didn’t like her. She literally railed everyone on her list. She wasn’t a nut; she’d just hit her limit on this particular day and apparently needed to vent. Now, I am not offended by the use of expletives. They can be handy on occasion. However, when repeating
“Fuck You!” is your entire message, what’s an appropriate response for this young lady:

Well, every Charm School needs a valedictorian. 🙂

Backlash—NONE. My response was intended and accepted as fun, and hopefully picked up her day. I also managed a bit of humor writing exercise. It was win-win.

Like this:

Ringling Brothers and Barnum & Bailey Circus is wrong; politics is The Greatest Show on Earth. However, I would never run for political office. I prefer being a spectator because of my philosophical objections.

Moses Pray: I got scruples too, you know. You know what that is? Scruples?Addie Loggins: No, I don’t know what it is, but if you got ’em, it’s a sure bet they belong to somebody else! – Paper Moon, Paramount Pictures, 1973

One of the great things about America is that every citizen born here may run for the highest office in the land. According to the Federal Election Commission, 1697 people have registered as 2016 candidates for president, including four Trumps. One of which is registered as a Communist Party candidate with the full-name, “Don’t Vote For Trump.”

You gotta love democracy in action!

Currently, the only remaining, viable Republican in the race for president is a businessman\reality TV star\author\billionaire who many believe would gladly plaster his name on Trump’s Ebola if he thought it would sell. However, that’s not entirely fair—as an actor, Trump also appeared in several movies.

While Trump has been scrutinized, praised and pilloried by the media, to my knowledge, no one has adequately highlighted Mr. Trump’s major flaw:

He’s a freakin’ businessman!

With four bankruptcies, it’s even arguable whether or not he’s a good businessman. However, Mr. Trump noted that filing for bankruptcy is a common business decision, which is true. Many shrewdly run businesses file bankruptcy due to circumstances beyond their control, such as scandalous executive salaries and bonuses that suck up all the cash reserves of a business before the CEO screws the shareholders, the employees, and the pooch in order to reap additional tax benefits.

We should all be so lucky.

I owe much; I have nothing; the rest I leave to the poor.
– Francois Rabelais, Last Will and Testament

Fortunately, the US government has no bankruptcy option. Even Trump can’t bankrupt an institution that prints money.

Again, that’s not entirely fair. If elected, Trump would have to go to congress for budget approval, and lately our gridlocked congressmen couldn’t pass a bran muffin.

However, the most obvious danger with a businessman in the White House:

He’s an amateur!

Even with a great support staff, Trump is still a political novice. If you seriously believe that senators and congressmen, many of whom have been working the system for 30+ years, can’t easily outmaneuver any neophyte who waltzes onto Capitol Hill, then you’re deluding yourself. The old guard on the hill will eat Mr. Trump’s lunch, leaving him nothing but humble pie.

Perhaps you believe that you can’t con a con?

Actually, you can. It’s been done many times. Trump has no immunity, especially in a game that he’s never played. Washington is not Wall Street, but Trump’s narcissism will likely lead him to believe that he’s in charge. However, neither the congress nor the courts answer to the president, and they can’t be told, “You’re fired!”

Consider also the quite believable rumor that treachery was invented in the Senate cloakrooms.

Welcome to Washington; wear a cup!

“Hilarious!”

There’s actually precedent supporting my cynicism. Our 31st president, Herbert Hoover was a millionaire businessman. His relationship with congress (well documented) was difficult at best, and you may have heard the fairly common expression, “Hoover, damn!”

Would a President Trump also be a one-term, little-remembered, and not very respected president? It’s likely.

Again, that’s not entirely fair. Most world leaders don’t respect him now.

However, there’s no shame in what is basically a fish out of water situation. Kafka wouldn’t make a good nanny, and Trump won’t ever be an Oval Office All Star.

BOTTOM LINE: It’s entirely possible that:

The vastly more experienced politicians on the hill will make Trump their bitch.

Trump’s “Art of the Deal” will be ineffective in negotiations where his personal wealth means nothing and his power is constrained by law.

Our allies will ignore a Trump administration and go looking for a new leader.

Wake up, Republicans! When this race heats up, the voters will definitely be looking behind the curtain at this magic show, so replacing Trump with someone more experienced is just common sense. Perhaps, David Copperfield is available.

Parting Funny: Son, if you can’t take their money, drink their whiskey, screw their women, and then vote against ’em, you don’t deserve to be here.
– Sam Rayburn, 43rd Speaker of the US House of Representatives