Tuesday, March 15, 2011

BSNYC Field Trip: Smugness in Seattle

This past weekend, I visited the soggy metropolis of Seattle for its eponymous Bicycle Expo, and I am still wringing out my socks. If you're unfamiliar with Seattle, it is the city in Washington that unleashed both Amazon.com and Starbucks upon the world, and her charming residents are characterized by their good nature as well as by their nearly crippling inferiority complex when it comes to anything having to do with Portland, OR. During my stay in Seattle I saw our lifegiving sun for a grand total of exactly nineteen seconds, and I am still suffering from a case of seasonal affective disorder of nearly Finnish proportions.

This was not for want of hospitality mind you, and I was incredibly well-treated by the Cascade Bicycle Club, who invited me to the Expo and who furnished me with a loaner bike that was a good deal better than adequate for getting around the city, though perhaps not as effective as a canoe might have been given the precipitation:

Cascade also furnished me with a helmet so that I might be in compliance with Seattle's draconian and Fredly mandatory bicycle helmet laws, and it looked like this:

Not only was the Top Gear dorktastic head-protecting device designed by the same artist responsible for the album art on Duran Duran's Rio, but the makers also saw fit to include a sticker indicating which end of it was the "front" to spare the disoriented wearer any further potential embarrassment:

Best of all, Cascade provided me with positively top-shelf accommodations:

The only catch was that I also had to act as a chaperone to a bunch of nerdy schoolkids.

As with any bike show, the real action is outside, and when I arrived at the Expo's valet bike parking (provided by Bike Works) I marveled at the assortment of human-powered conveyances that were on display:

There were corny saddlebags and vertical bar ends as far as the eye can see:

As much as I wanted to experience the "Power of Two," sadly I was only one person, and a soggy one at that. So I parked my loaner bike and my Top Gear helmet in the 1987-Threw-Up-On-My-Head colorway next to a pair of unicycles:

And headed into the Expo itself:

My first order of business was to figure out what time I went on the REI stage, brought to you by REI, an REI production, and so I consulted the schedule:

Evidently I was the bland and flavorless luncheon meat between the two slices of white bread that were Axel Merckx and a bicycle-themed fashion show (as well as a member of the "Laughing At Ourselves" panel, because nothing is funnier than talking about comedy). I was also early, and the much-anticipated "Bike Maintenance Basics" show had only just gotten underway:

The crowd stared in rapt amazement as the presenter demonstrated how to fix a flat:

It was like a "Bicycling" magazine article come to life, and I may very well suggest to the editors of that magazine that they consider a "collabo" with David Mamet. I can imagine Aaron Eckart or Ed Harris or some other similarly masculine actor in the lead role. "Got a tight bead? Boo-fucking-hoo. Work that fucking tire lever, you feeble Fred!" I'm sure it would be an off-Broadway sensation. (I'd suggest they workshop it in Portland first, but half the audience would probably cry.)

Figuring I'd better take in some of the show before it was my turn to bore people, I tore myself away from the flat fix clinic and headed over to the biggest collection of classic bike porn I've ever seen:

Retro-grouches were practically wetting their wool in excitement:

There were Masis:

And Paramounts:

And primitive Campagnolo rod shifters being pointed at by disembodied hands:

Speaking of Campy, did you know that brakeless hipsters love Delta brakes?

It's true, they do--though it may just be because they don't work.

I was also shocked to learn that Specialized actually didn't invent the concept of cyclocross when they launched their "Tricross" line:

Sooner or later though you've got to heed the call of the present (unless you're serial retrogrouch and über-curmudgeon Jobst Brandt) and so I tore myself away from the classic bike porn, only to find that the present was simply copying the past. Here's an "homage" to the Bridgestone XO-1, a bicycle highly coveted by the wool-socks-with-sandals set:

This would explain the animatronic Grant Petersen I had seen at the Roboquest Camp-In.

I didn't have the heart to tell them that their mudflaps were tiny by Portland standards, and that by the time the typical Portlander gets to Powell's Books his mudflap is still on the Hawthorne Bridge.

This booth got me very excited:

Until I realized they weren't offering free Bar Mitzvahs and were instead displaying a glove that attaches to your handlebar instead of your hand:

Fortunately, while the Expo may have neglected the faithful, they didn't forget the Freds, thanks to the dazzling Hall of Mirrors:

I understand CycleAware is working on a new helmet mirror that will allow you to safely admire the graphic of your own Primal jersey while you ride.

Speaking of Freds, the more ambitious ones like to hire coaches, and the Wenzel Coaching booth featured a man riding eternally on rollers:

I suppose this was meant to demonstrate how Wenzel Coaching will thoroughly domesticate you by breaking your will and your spirit--and if they're not successful, they'll lock you inside this device, which they simply call "The Reconditioner":

This look only means one thing: "You're next":

Speaking of breaking one's spirit, I would imagine forcing someone to demonstrate "butt cream" all weekend would also be a pretty good method:

Anyway, it was getting close to showtime for me, which I knew because the woman with the red bag was pointing at her watch, and I'm pretty sure she actually said, "We better get the hell out of here before that BSNYC douchebag goes on":

So I high-tailed it to the stage, rushing right past the Renovo booth:

Reovo, of course, makes wooden bikes for some reason, and as you can see they were displaying their latest model called "The Chair."

I also ran through the section I call the "Bamboo Ghetto," which has evidently now become a bike show staple:

In any case, my solo presentation was well-attended, though the Laughing at Ourselves panel was somewhat less of a draw and had people sleeping and checking their smartphones with excitement:

That evening, I made the obligatory post-Expo party rounds, but once the drunken thumb-wrestling matches broke out I knew that was my signal to retire to the Roboquest:

Seattle was an unfamiliar city, but fortunately I had the Space Needle to orient myself:

It's surprisingly creepy in person--which is probably what the people who came to my talk said about me.

In any case, the next morning it was time to return to the Expo, and the Cascade Bicycle Club had organized a ride:

I'd like to say that all of these people came out to ride with me, but the truth is most of them are waiting for the bus.

On the way to the Expo we did some sightseeing, and it probably won't surprise you that Seattle is so wet they've just said "Fuck it" and put a fountain in their velodrome:

We also happened upon a DeLorean show:

The owner seemed affable, though he's doubtless one more "Hey, that's the 'Back To The Future' car!" comment away from punching somebody in the mouth:

Then we hit the lovely and scenic waterfront:

Savored the view:

And arrived at the Expo, where the stage was set for me to bore anybody I hadn't already bored yesterday:

Retreating behind the scrim, I changed into my chicken suit and performed my customary pre-show ritual:

I then stepped onto the stage, where I was pelted with rotten fruit.

It wasn't all bad, though, and someone did slip me this after the show:

Sure, Sally is a man who works for Raleigh, but I was flattered nonetheless. I also figured I had a few hours before it was time to leave town, and I tried every area code in Washington State before finally giving up.

Welcome back! I got in touch with my inner Martha Stewart over the weekend by taking off the silver SKS fenders and putting on new cream-colored ones. Next colorway fetish will probably be bar tape. It's a sickness.

Today I drove my V-8 truck across the street to a strip mall to pick up a subway sandwich. I then got back into said truck to drive across the same parking lot to pick up some Rx at the big box drugstore. I then drove back to work across the street. Whew. I'm exhausted just writing about it.

Happy to return to a Snob post. All is right in the world. SANS Japan.

Snob, thanks for boring me on Saturday - and defacing my book ... Oh, and for converting my excitement to disappointment ... and for not posting any photos where I may have inadvertently been lurking in the background.

it actually looks like that big dummy is outfitted for triple child portaging, not double... note the seatpost mounted handlebars! to reach that level of smugness, you have to adopt two kids right away.

Sorry I didn't get to meet you when you stopped by Blue Steel Sports. I think my assistant (aka my son) survived spirit in tact - we just have to have fun with the whole butt cream thing! Anyway, please let your readers know that if they email me at lil@bluesteelsports.com and send me an address I will mail them a couple of our Singles packs so they can try out our cream for themselves.

Snobbie rode my old commute! So glad to see it so lovingly portrayed. Sorry that it wasn't out in it's full sunshine regalia. When you're heading south on that trail in a sunny moment, the view is pretty amazing for about 300 yards.

It's a city rule, though, that we can only show tourists that route when it's raining out. Otherwise, no one would believe that Portland is the Yin to our Yang.

Nice to see a pic of my commute route. It's actually quite a nice view once you get past the train yard and next to the water. This morning I witnessed a Bald Eagle with a pigeon in its claws being harrassed by seagulls. NW urban wildlife at it's best.

Dear Craig Calfee,Please stop making ridiculous bamboo bikes. They are pointless, ugly and ride like crap. You are just jumping on the sustainability bandwagon and soaking the consumer in the process. It is not innovatinve in the least. Please stop.

"Sooner or later though you've got to heed the call of the present (unless you're serial retrogrouch and über-curmudgeon Jobst Brandt)"

Dipping into the current over at wreck.bike, I learn that Mr. Brandt has broken his leg in what was described as a one-bike crash. Some info:

"Jobst will be going home today, March 10th, from the rehab. His left leg is still not weight-bearing, so he's in a wheel-chair and using a walker for short distances. He'll have 24-hour care at home. He had a stroke in the hospital, and his short-term memory is still poor--he didn't remember that he was going home today when I spoke to him last night. Months in the hospital make that sort of thing worse, so things may improve when he's back home."

I rode with Snobby to the Sunday Expo in Seattle. He was nice and all, but I was disappointed that more women didn't show up to fawn all over him. He is disarmingly handsome if you were unaware. I was hoping to catch some of his cast offs. Perhaps he was too intimidating in that helmet. Oh well.

Also, when we rode through puddles, he screamed like a child and put his feet on the bars to keep them from getting wet. Sad really.

Hey Recumbent Conspiracy Theorist, thanks a lot. Now I don't want to use that sample I picked up from the show. Although, if I do, I'll write up a full review which I imagine will contain the phrase "vertically lubricular yet laterally griptastic."

Actually we are doing better up here in FINLAND right now: last week the mercury got up above freezing and for the first time since the first week of November I saw black asfalt on the road, with no ice over it.

We really do sympathize with your troubles this winter. but your worse possible scenarios are normal for us and for at least three months a year.

Now we await the summer and the midnight sun. We all all a bit creazy here. Have to be.

Wait - that's ME in the picture about the retro grouches wetting themselves.

Never mind that I ride carbon, own absolutlely no wool garments, and have a very shy bladder.

Perhaps my buddy Pete, in the yellow, would qualify as a retro-grouch, since he rides Davis Phinney's old 7-11 bike from the 80s (yes, Phinney Sr.'s actual race bike!), but he also rides a matching Look carbon bike like I have.

OK - I'll admit that we both rode steel into the show that day, since both of our rain bikes are made of the ferrous material, and it was pouring buckets that morning, but my main rides are both plastic and anti-retro-grouchy!

...while craig calfee will admit that his earliest bamboo bikes were a publicity stunt, craig has spent his own money throughout the years traveling to ghana, africa, to teach the locals how to build cargo bikes...

...various world organizations & individuals concerned about the fate of africa in the long run have encouraged him to do so because of the various aspects involved for the local populous...jobs, transportation, even the pride that comes with creating a valid product...

...i'd also suggest that as far as opening your uninformed mouth to say "...they ride like crap..." that you look into the dampening qualities of bamboo...

...& "...jumping on the sustainability bandwagon..." ???...that's fucking crass...craig built his first group of bamboo bikes back in '95 & spoke of sustainability back then...long before any of these other companies came along...

Kinda new to your blog, but I have to say this post was truly 'epic'.Also, with: 'This booth got me very excited:Until I realized they weren't offering free Bar Mitzvahs and were instead displaying a glove that attaches to your handlebar instead of your hand', you did Rodney Dangerfield proud. BADA-BING! Hilarious.

That peogot..with the braze ons?..I have only seen it done for the really light race bikes..like for the mountains..MAFAC--2000 or possibly competition, you can tell the mounts are not for the criterium or HC5 model cantilevers becuase the front mounts are alomost on the forkcrown. If you look at photos Jacques Anquietil you can see that some of his time trial bikes had this set up, it saves the weight of the bolt and the backing plate(brake frame) plus the brakes work a little better..That bike looks like what Thevent rode in the 1980 TdF..keep up the good work ..lots of tailwinds..and few flats to you..

Damn, I wish I had read this post sooner, as I was also visiting Seattle that weekend. I could have skipped out on my responsibilities and watched bike comedy instead of walking around the city for three days in the pouring rain.

By the way, if you saw several large soggy groups of Canadian students walking around the city staring at buildings (and DeLoreans) ... that was me.

About Me

While I love cycling and embrace it in all its forms, I'm also extremely critical. So I present to you my venting for your amusement and betterment. No offense meant to the critiqued. Always keep riding!