OPUS Mag

Nov 18 Drunk Women Love Hats by @Al_Patron

“But I just got a question for you; is you happy?”– Clifford “TIP” Harris

I was shooting the shit with my main man Kellen Daniel (yes his full name is necessary to get the full effect of the aura) & we came to a conclusion that there’s an epidemic that we’ve ignored for far too long in our community. Women are sociopaths and have been abusing us men with no regard for our well being physically or mentally and this shit comes to a stop today!

We’ve all been at a party, get together, bar or whatever consuming alcohol or at least around women who had a few. We’re enjoying ourselves, the atmosphere, the company, the conversations, the music and so forth and so forth. Then it happens, the moment you either love or hate, when she takes another shot or finishes her latest drink and all of a sudden she wants to play grab hat.

Let’s look at the plus side, there’s a 34.3% chance that a drunk woman taking your hat to wear and dance with means she wants you to thrust it in her guts. It’s a very flirtatious device women use, it’s playful, it’s cute & it shows she’s claiming you for the night. Women speak in codes, so drunk women taking your hat is code for “Just the tip, so I can see how it feels, please”. It’s awesome; you’re essentially scoring a touchdown on special teams. She’s pissing on her tree; her piss being squirt, you being the tree or your yea, you get it. And I don’t want to hear how squirt is piss, if I ‘ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times, God made squirt & squirt don’t hurt. Ok sorry, I got lost for a second but squirt got in my eye, where was I? Right, she took your hat & you belong to her now brother, act accordingly and knock her boots from here to Albuquerque.

You’re at the bar with your people; you kicked it to one of the women in your vicinity a while back & received a less than lukewarm reception. As a man, you’ve accepted this “curve” as they say and haven’t taken it personally. So now you’re comfortable approaching other women in front of “The Curver” & as you muster up the courage to go in with whatever mack or game you have, here comes the “The Curver” to snatch your hat. Now why would she do such a thing? It’s because drunk women love hats right? Of course but think deeper my brothers, it’s because drunk women are cock blockers. Pay attention; “The Curver” has now blocked your cock twice, she wasn’t down with the shits when you tried to get with her and now she’s drunk on the very squirt the other woman you were approaching was preparing for your tree. Drunk women are sick, sick individuals.

Drunk women love hats but they have no respect for your chapeau. Listen, makeup, no makeup, whatever women want to do isn’t up for me to be ok with, by all means be happy & merry ladies but hold up, not on the hat. You want to “beat” your face & have your eyebrows “snatched”? I want you to do your motherfucking thing ladies but we don’t want your eyebrows getting stuck in our hats. I don’t want a cake ring on the inside of my hat.

What you think these hats cost miss lady? What’s your purpose here? It’s like our hats are a letterman’s jacket or badge of honor for drunk women. Hat harassment is a real epidemic in our community and needs to come to an end. What do drunk women think our hats have in them? You’re not going to morph into a motherfucking Power Ranger. It’s not like “Wears Hat” is a relationship status. What the fuck you want with my hat drunk woman? Furthermore you thoughtless drunken woman, I am going bald, why are you exposing my flaws & all to the world? I need my fucking hat drunk woman: I need my motherfucking hat! My car ain’t got no roof; don’t take my roof. Our hats aren’t Pokémon, you don’t have to catch them all. I’m not hat whore shaming but I’m just saying.

It’s not like men are going around taking your wigs and wearing them for laughs on Instagram. It’s not like men are taking their granny’s hats to look like their favorite drug induced rapper. I don’t know where you drunk women get the nerve.

Coeur Noir is an autofiction novel written by Al Patron. The title is Haitian Creole for black heart or heart of black, in reference to the traits of the main protagonist, Nikolas Daniel...who may or may not be based on Al Patron himself. A coming of age novel Coeur Noir will evoke emotional reactions ranging from but not limited to crying & laughter, all while detailing a path to greatness for Al Pa...pardon...Nikolas Daniel.