Full Name: Jeff WattrickWebsite: Info: Jeff Wattrick is someone whose unsolicited submissions accidentally get published on Wonkette. He also writes for Deadline Detroit, which is this thing on the internet about the Motor City.

If we want to be bleeding heart about it, pedophiles like former Penn State football coach Jerry Sandusky are monsters in the truest sense of the word. As Wikipedia explains, “the word ‘monster’ derives from Latin monstrum, an aberrant occurrence, usually biological, that was taken as a sign that something was wrong within the natural order.” Pedophiles are sick, twisted, and probably broken-beyond-repair individuals.
However, the banal evil of Dottie Sandusky cannot be explained away as aberrant biology. The wife of a convicted pedophile sat down with The Today Show’s Matt Lauer to claim her husband is innocent and that the charges were all some evil plot.
Who could be behind this nefarious conspiracy to imprison a retired football coach and get a nearly dead Joe Paterno fired? Lawyers, according to Dottie, who manipulated the “victims” into pretending to be victims. The real victims in her deluded mind are Jerry Sandusky, Joe Paterno, and Dottie Sandusky.
How did those nefarious lawyers manage to get ten kids, their parents, local police and prosecutors, assistant coach Mike McQueary, a judge, a jury, and everyone involved the Penn State investigation led by former FBI director Louis Freeh to join their conspiracy? By promising money. Money earned from lawsuits.
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Let’s imagine Tom Friedman is in an Indianapolis taxi driving to Lucas Oil Stadium for the NFL Scouting Combine. Tom Friedman asks the cab driver what he thinks about the NFL Scouting Combine because that would be a most Tom Friedman thing to do. For the sake of our thought experiment, in which we pretend Tom Friedman is riding in a cab to the NFL Scouting Combine, let’s also pretend the cab driver is former NBA point guard Allen Iverson because this convoluted exercise really only works if Allen Iverson is driving the cab.
Read more on In Which Allen Iverson Explains The NFL Scouting Combine To Tom Friedman…

GOP pollster Frank Luntz is the kind of hired gun political hack who can, with a straight face, say stuff like: “To be ‘Orwellian’ is to speak with absolute clarity, to be succinct, to explain what the event is, to talk about what triggers something happening… and to do so without any pejorative whatsoever.”
Read more on How Will ‘Orwellian’ Hero Pollster Frank Luntz ‘Luntz-Up’ Sportsball?…

When Michael Sam is drafted — it should be a matter of when not if, because if Sam liked lady bits, there would no question he would get drafted — Sam would be the first openly gay professional athlete in a major American team sport.
Read more on Vince Lombardi Was Totally Gay For Gay Football Players Because Vince Lombardi Wasn’t A Jerk…

As everyone knows the only real racists anymore are the blacks because they racistly always have to remind real Americans (the job creators who keep sunscreen manufacturers profitable) that life in this country wasn’t, you know, all that great for the blacks for a long, long time. Seriously, you guys, it’s long past time to just get over all that forced migration, involuntary servitude, and legally enforced segregation that was both separate and unequal. All that that stuff ended when famous John Bircher Martin Luther King, Jr., was murdered in a black-on-black street crime and his ghost appeared on Fox News to say “something something content of your character something something.” Still, these blacks keep whining about centuries of oppression like that’s anyone’s fault.
Blacks are so into themselves they don’t even realize how racist Obamacare is to white people. Or that Mr. Kenyan Usurper thinks he’s only president of the blacks based on all the time talking about Trayvon Martin even though lots of white people voted for NOBAMA because so many whites are also racist against themselves.
What you never see is a black person voting for a white candidate — except for all the times African-Americans do vote for white candidates — because they’re just so racist. That’s why pretty much everyone was so shocked when legitimate white guy Mike Duggan decided to run for mayor of 90% African-American Detroit. Could he win? Would it be historic? Will those blacks finally put aside their racism and vote for a white guy? Read more on Racism Over Forever As Detroit Voters Are Okay With White Guy…

Probably today everyone at Hillsdale College, located near Michigan’s not-terribly-Irish “Irish Hills,” is longing for that simpler time when their president was only a creepy weirdo who (allegedly) sexed his daughter-in-law until she committed suicide. This being an actual thing that happened at the pastoral private college considered “a citadel of American conservatism,” to quote the National Review. Whereas previous Hillsdale presidents were content being (allegedly) incest-ish perverts in the privacy of their own homes, today’s Hillsdale presidents like to say remarkably ignorant and racially offensive things in public! During public meetings at the state capitol!
Larry Arnn, the president of the private college, made the comments during a subcommittee hearing on Michigan’s adoption of the Common Core State Standards. Arnn, who spoke in opposition of the standards, prefaced his comments by describing an experience when he began as president in the early 2000s in which state officials criticized his college for, as he said, not having enough “dark” students.
Read more on Michigan College President Really Tired Of Government Always Counting Those ‘Dark Ones’…

Michigan’s next gubernatorial election is only 15 months away and the match-up is pretty much set. Nerd-Governor Rick Snyder is expected to face likely Democratic challenger Mark Schauer. Naturally the only responsible thing to do now is to speculate about who Schauer might select as his running mate. Michigan’s lieutenant governor is like a less important version of the vice president, so it’s really important that Schauer picks a running-mate who can impress the voters. Because voters are always super concerned about the LG candidates.
Ok, most voters could care less. Like the VP, Michigan’s lieutenant governors are automatically elected if their party’s gubernatorial candidates wins. The people who cover local politics, however, can’t imagine anything more important than guessing who someone (assuming “someone” wins the gubernatorial nomination) might pick as their understudy more than a year from now. This is why the Michigan Information & Research Service, a legislative newsletter known affectionately as MIRS to people with affections for legislative newsletters, is very curious about Ingham County Clerk Barb Byrum’s prospects as Schauer’s running-mate.
Did Schauer suggest that, if nominated, he would consider Byrum as his number two? He did not. But he apparently said he’d like a “strong pro-choice female” on his ticket. Is Barb Byrum a lady? Yes, she is. Does she like the abortions? So much so that the brave men who run the state House, once gave her a “time out” because she simply would not shut up about it.
There you go. Barb Byrum for lieutenant governor!
Well, not so fast.
Byrum has some young children and only MIRS is willing to courageously think of Barb Byrum’s children. Read more on Michigan Lady Might Run For Office Even Though She Has Children, What Is Even Up With That…

Frank Beckmann, the long-time radio voice of the University of Michigan and severely Caucasian right-wing radio host/newspaper columnist, took time out from his normal activities (holding hands with football coaches and singing Josh Groban songs) to explain to his Detroit News audience that African-Americans shouldn’t be ashamed about that whole black people eating fried chicken stereotype because these stereotypes really should be symbols of pride for the African-American community that Frank Beckmann knows and loves so well. Read more on Voice Of Michigan Wolverines Football Thinks Tiger Woods & All The Blacks Should Be Proud Of Fried Chicken Eating Ways…

Apparently the sack of crap CEO of awful mall store Abercrombie and Fitch, Mike Jeffries, said he doesn’t like it when you fuglies shop at his stores. He said this to Salon back in 2006 but apparently it took seven years for his mean girl comments to set off a firestorm of outrage on the social media. Your Facebook and Twitter feeds are probably filled right now with righteous indignation over A&F’s policy to only have their sweatshops make lady clothes in size 10 or smaller. Even former Cheers’ star Kirstie Alley (not Diane, the other one) has decided to boycott this purveyor of homogenized suburban conspicuous consumption because it refuses to cater to the conspicuous consuming of homogenized suburbia’s larger ladies.
And while yr Wonket celebrates the curves of all women because we once saw a Dove commercial telling us that all women are beautiful just as God made them and so long as they continue to purchase Dove-brand beauty products, it should be noted that the anti-A&F movement is a really misguided effort seeking redress of an incredibly First World problem. Read more on The Only Thing Worse Than Abercrombie & Fitch Is This Anti-Abercrombie & Fitch Movement…

Imagine for a second a place where there are vibrant, diverse cities near majestic mountains and oceans and lakes, where the climate is temperate but never Arizona hot, where there is universal health care and gay marriage, where recreational marijuana use is effectively decriminalized because police are focused on actual crimes.
Does this magical fairyland exist or is this place as fictional as Ayn Rand’s understanding of economics? Yes, this is a real place. It’s not some hidden libtard Galt’s Glutch, either. It’s British Columbia, Canada. This week, they had a provincial election in which the Liberal Party scored a victory over the more progressive New Democratic Party. The BC Conservative Party (again) won all of zero seats in the BC legislative assembly. The Green Party, in contrast, actually won a seat. Read more on Even Conservatives Are Liberal In The Greatest Place Ever, British Columbia…

Gawd, you people are awful. According to famous women-binding failed presidential candidate Mitt Romney the problem with you selfish dolts is that you simply won’t get married when you’re really young.
“Some people could marry, but choose to take more time for themselves,” Romney tells graduates of Southern Virginia University. “Others plan to wait until they’re well into their 30s or 40s before they think about getting married. They’re going to miss so much of living, I’m afraid.”
Right? Because Grey’s Anatomy is already into its ninth season. That show won’t last forever. Sure, you’ll probably still be able to watch it on Netflix, but then you’ll binge watch and miss that “so much of living” that comes from substituting mediocre network tv for sex every Thursday night at 9:00 Eastern/8:00 Central. Read more on Mitt Romney Wants All You 22-Year-Olds To Get Knocked Up Now, For Our Savior…

So it turns out there is this super rad Islamic cleric in Washington, DC, who marries gay couples because, like decent people of all faiths, Imam Daayiee Abdullah just ignores the crazy medieval stuff and focuses on the let’s just love each other part of his faith.
“I think we’re at the start of a movement: a more inclusive Islam in America,” says Abdullah, who runs Washington’s Light of Reform mosque and is thought to be the only publicly gay Muslim leader in the Western Hemisphere.
“So if you have any same-sex marriages,” he says with a soft smile and a shrug, “I’m available.”
Some young Muslims in attendance mumble, “Wow!” and “Seriously?”
Seriously. Let’s count the reasons why this is seriously nice: Read more on Your Tuesday Nice Time: DC Imam Marries Gay Couples, For Creeping Sharia…

This 2008-2011 model Ford Focus SES spotted in downtown Detroit probably doesn’t belong to the real John Galt, the one with a verified Twitter account or whatever. The real John Galt’s car would have that magic static electricity motor. Instead, this one just uses gasoline. It must belong to one of the many other masters of the universe that hold the world up for you pathetic moochers.
You can totally see why. The 2008-11 Ford Focus SES is a pretty sweet middle-range ride at an economy price. Nothing says I’m smarter, better, and a more valuable member of society than you like a Ford compact equipped with “a leather-wrapped tilt steering wheel, an auto-dimming rearview mirror, a performance instrument cluster, metallic trim around the instrument panel, and ambient lighting with a choice of seven interior colors, which illuminate the front and rear footwells, as well as the console cupholders.” Read more on What Are Your Modern Job-Creating Economic Libertarian Supermen Driving Today?…

So remember that dumb thing about Rick Santorum speaking/not speaking to some high school students about “leadership?” Well, he did speak Wednesday at Grosse Pointe South High School and got paid $18,000 for it. That means Santorum made in two hours 38% of the median annual salary of South teachers. And that’s a lesson, kids. The marketplace is full of irrational actors who will complain about the cost of educating their children into productive adults while throwing gobs of money at stupid crap. Like a Rick Santorum speech on leadership.
Since Grosse Pointe South is yr Wonket’s alma mater, he weaseled a media credential and watched Rick Santorum spread his special brand of leadership across the gymnasium where yr Wonket played floor hockey and volleyball back when Kurt Cobain was alive.
Here are some of the completely non-political “leadership” things Santorum shared with the children of a community that Jack Kerouac (former resident!) said lacked tragedy. Read more on Here Is Rick Santorum Spreading Leadership To High Schoolers In Totally Non-Political Way…

Buena Vista Township sounds like some swampy patch of Florida where Jack Lemmon or Al Pacino might try to sell you real estate, but it’s not. It’s worse. Buena Vista Township is this miserable flat place near Saginaw, Michigan, aka Flint without the glitter. According to Google Maps, BVT features such landmarks as a McDonald’s and the Great Lakes Gypsum and Supply. It’s also home to terrible human being/Township Clerk Gloria Platko.
When it comes to blah people, particularly Township Supervisor Dwayne Parker, Gloria Platko just says it like she feels it. Even on tape.
[Interim Township Manager Dexter] Mitchell said he recorded the call in January without Platko’s knowledge because he didn’t want her to twist his words. About six minutes into the recording, Mitchell asks, “Would you be willing to sit down with (Parker)?”
Platko told Mitchell that Parker is “just rubbing me the wrong way.
“He is just doing whatever he can. You know what I think of Mr. Parker right now, and I know you’re not even going to like this,” Platko said in the recording. “But he’s just an arrogant (N-word). And I’m sorry to say it that way, but that’s the way I feel.”
Read more on Meet The Old White Michigan Lady Clerk Who Uses N-Word In Not At All Racist Way To Describe Black Official…

Let’s say you are Michigan nerd-governor Rick Snyder’s chief information officer David Behen and let’s say you had a fun idea for a school voucher policy. How would you go about making your special plan a reality? Would you go through normal channels to make policy in the transparent process that we’ve become accustomed to in these United States? No, you would not. Now is not the time for the burdensome government regulation of open policy-making. Now is the time for relentless positive action. Because “more and better jobs.” And that means doing things in a secret “skunk works” with corporate interests. With the skunk works system, you don’t get bogged down with issues or concerns from so-called “teachers” or bother unwashed plebs with the details of their popular government. Read more on Oh Look, An Actual Shadow Government Conspiracy Called ‘Skunk Works’ Is Happening In Michigan…

As everyone who watches Fox News unironically knows, Dearborn, Michigan, is filled with Islamist sleeper cells just waiting to be activated by an Al Jazeera anchor instructing them to play a nice game of Halal solitaire. With the go code delivered, these Muslim terrorists will rise up and strike at America’s Arsenal of Democracy, reducing the city of Detroit into a bombed-out, nearly vacant ghost town of a city.
Oh, that won’t happen! shouts the blame America first/excuse terrorism sheeple who just want free stuff from Obama’s Sharia socialist usurper regime even if it means your children will be sent to madrassas. Even if that does happen, the sheeple continue, it won’t happen for a long, long time. Yeah, that’s just what they want you to think.
The Jihad is going to happen sooner rather than later, you guys, because Al Jazeera is cold opening a bureau in Detroit! Right by all those sleeper cells in Dearborn! Read more on A Children’s Treasury Of Reactions As Al Jazeera America’s Sharia Plot Creeps Into Detroit…

Oh my God, you guys, those awful gays just refuse to stop bullying poor Republican National Committeeman Dave Agema just because he likes to repeat defamatory lies about gays, many of whom live in the magical far away place known as the “Flight Attendant Realm” where they have wild orgies, plot half the murders in major cities, and (lesbians only) drive so recklessly that they are 534 times more likely to die in auto accidents. Subaru libel!
Anyway, it seems like no one will defend delicate flower Dave Agema from these vicious people orientated toward sex partners with genitalia similar to their own. These gays are more powerful than one million atom bombs, sure, but someone must be brave enough to say: No, gays, this is still America and you cannot advance your gay lifestyle agenda by criticizing ignorant bigots for their ignorance and bigotry. Read more on Leave Dave Agema Alone, Cries Lispy Homophobe Stalker Andrew Shirvell…

So remember Thad McCotter? The nobody Congressman who ran for president of the Iowa Straw Poll and lost, and then failed to gather enough real petition signatures to run for reelection, and then quit Congress in a blaze of glory and banal Dylan lyrics as his former staffers were about to be indicted for petition fraud? Yeah, that Thad McCotter.
But maybe Thad wasn’t such a bad guy. Maybe he was a patsy. A pigeon. A mark. Someone nefarious forces could put in a frame and take control of the all-powerful 10th Congressional District of Michigan. And maybe those nefarious forces intentionally forged those petition signatures so McCotter would get caught and They could House of Cards replace him with Their hand-picked Congressman to do their bidding in western Wayne County Michigan. It all makes perfect sense. Tattaglia is a pimp. He never could have outfought Yr Wonket’s Thaddeus. But he didn’t know until this day that it was Barzini all along. Read more on Was Loser Congressman Thad McCotter House Of Cardsed By Evil Staffer? Sure Why Not…

Republican National Committeeman Dave Agema got away with saying Obama and pretty much every terrorist is a Muslim and cutting funding to orphans and skipping budget votes to shoot sheep so it’s no wonder that he’s genuinely surprised other Republicans are now very upset because he turned his trademark awfulness toward the gays.
So Agema has gone on the offensive, explaining to a northern Michigan radio host that when he says gays are a terrible threat to our collective health and safety, he’s basically just agreeing with the current Republican platform. Like a stopped clock, even Dave Agema can be right a couple times a day!
Agema also explains why gay rights is a deeply person issue for him, just as it is a deeply personal issue for Rob Portman. As a silver fox commercial airline pilot, Agema is a walking gay porn archetype and, well, he can explain it: “I’ve been involved in this issue for years, way back when I worked for American Airlines this became an issue, because we had, you know obviously we had a lot of homosexuals in the flight attendant realm, and, uhh, we had issues.” Read more on RNC Bigot/Ex-Pilot Dave Agema Talks About His Issues Inside Homosexual ‘Flight Attendant Realm’…

Dave Agema, the Republican National Committeeman from Michigan and former state representative, is a Wonkette favorite. Wonketeers love him for his charming efforts to cut funding to a program that buys clothes for orphans, his willingness to miss key budget votes to shoot Siberian sheep, his fondness for tear-gassing American citizens, his deep-abiding belief that Barack Obama must be a Muslim, his endless curiosity about The Onion’s Obama has a secret 19-year-old son story, and his trophy wife that Wonkette commenter “Barbara_” says came engraved “fourth place.”
Sadly, not everyone loves Dave Agema like you guys love him. Lots of mean, old Republicans are upset with Agema because he Facebooked a column from this right-wing witchdoctor that’s filled with erroneous information about teh gheys. It’s like, what, suddenly now it’s a problem to say “homosexuals account for half the murders in large cities”?
Whatever happened to free speech and family values and the God-given right to kick homos in the teeth? With votes.
Those things are gone now apparently. Even Michigan Speaker of the House Jase Bolger, who once bravely protected us from the horrors of the word “vagina” being uttered on the state house floor, is joining this lavander mob that’s bullying poor Dave Agema for repeating things that are easily disprovable and mostly implausible on their face. Read more on Everyone So Mad At Terrible Michigan RNC Committeeman Homophobe Dave Agema Being Terrible…

Remember last year when angry old sportswriter Harry “Buzz” Bissinger endorsed Mitt Romney because Mittens was totally lying about everything? It was probably non-sports fans’ first introduction to the douchepile that is Buzz Bissinger, so here is a quick primer.
Back when the internet consisted of three Star Trek fans on a dial-up message board, Bissinger wrote a very good book about Texas high school football, which became a decent movie about Texas high school football, which inspired an incredible tv show about how Texas high school football teams only have to play well in the second half to win because of inspirational words. Bissinger has literally coasted on that book since the Soviet Union was still a thing.
More recently, Bissinger is basically known as the guy who yelled at Deadspin’s Will Leitch because Bissinger couldn’t understand the difference between blog posts and blog comments. He also wrote an insufferable book about St. Louis Cardinals manager Tony LaRussa to refute the idea that Nate Silver-style gay math helps explain baseball. And, of course, there was that whole endorsing Mittens because he knew Mittens was a liar.
Tuesday we learned that Buzz Bissinger is a worse human being than anyone previously imagined. Read more on Terrible Gucci Fanboy, Sports Mythmaker Buzz Bissinger Proves Why Marginal Tax Rates Should Be 100 Percent…