You have found the home of 'Being Me', Fran Hill's blog. Browse for a while, have a laugh, and if you like what you read, you'll like my book'Being Miss' which you can order from this site. My main website is at www.franhill.co.uk where you'll find pictures of George Clooney and Rufus Sewell. I may be lying about that, though.

WHAT YOU'LL FIND ON THIS BLOG

Friday, 20 September 2013

Evidence that not all junk mail ends up in the recycling at Fran's house

I received a catalogue in the junk mail this morning.

There used to be a fabulous catalogue called 'Innovations' which offered must-have products such as nose hair clippers, pegs to keep your wellies together, triangles of cloth to hide a cleavage with, and bits of elastic in case your bra has got too small and you need to extend the strap. I'd love to be the copywriter who has to make these products sound like The Thing You Needed But Just Didn't Know It. I suspect it takes a certain skill. Maybe it's the kind of job spin doctors could do in retirement, as they'll have had plenty of practice with the silk-purse-sow's ear dilemma.

Now available! Our new 'Toe-Counting Stick'. You know how, when you wake up in the morning, the first thing you think is, 'I hope none of my toes have disappeared in the night!' How tiresome it is to have to stretch down to count them with your fingers, just to make sure! Well, with our handy, long, ergonomically-designed Toe-Counting Stick, you can rest assured that we, at Innovations, anticipate your every need. And we've had our inventors at work on this one for years. We're not called 'Innovations' for nothing! Shaped like a twig, and with authentic-looking leaf and thorns attached, for a 'natural' feel, our Toe-Counting Stick, available now for only £123.99, can just be left propped by your bedside, ready for your morning toe-count. Wait until your friends see it. They will be so toe-tally jealous!

Anyway, apart from my opening sentence, that wasn't what I was going to write at all. I get so carried away.

The catalogue we received this morning was from 'Britain's finest publisher of countryside books'. Some of the titles are to die for. I can't wait to order. Who needs thrillers when you could lose yourself in one of these?

Mushrooming with Confidence Beginner's Guide to Fly-tyingThe Complete Illustrated Directory of Salmon FliesThe Secret Carp (which should have been the title of my 'Fishing' story in the previous blog post)Confessions of a Carp Fisher (ditto, even more so)Manual of a Traditional Bacon Curer (you can also get 'Adventures of a Bacon Curer' and 'Secrets of a Bacon Curer)
and, in an odd change of tone ....Make Your Own Aphrodisiacs
There's also one which sounds as 'British countryside' as a penguin. It's called 'How to Watch a Bullfight'. I think someone's slipped that one in as a joke.

No doubt I shall get narky comments from some of you country folk, who have only just put down your copy of 'Secret Confessions of a Beginner Mushroomer' to go and shoot a grouse or pick some rushes to knit a cardigan with.

Hi Fran, just stopping by to say how delightful your blog is. Thanks so much for sharing. I have recently found your blog and am now following you, and will visit often. Please stop by my blog and perhaps you would like to follow me also. Have a wonderful day. Hugs, Chrishttp://chelencarter-retiredandlovingit.blogspot.ca/

About Me

I'm a writer and English teacher based in Warwickshire.

'Being Miss' on Amazon Kindle, from FeedARead, or directly from me (UK) - go to 'Add to Cart'

Recent review: Funny and easy to read, Fran Hill's 'Being Miss' charts the life of a teacher in a secondary school...in one day. The day is jam packed with unfortunate incidents and sharp, insightful descriptions. Beautifully written with a delightfully flippant narrator. Great fun!

Being Miss by Fran Hill - get paperback version sent directly to you (in UK). Thank you!