Tag Archives: Adoption

This is going to be another one of those pieces where I hope it generates a productive conversation that leads to progress rather than take offense. It’s not that I care if I unintentionally upset people. I care more about being able to create positive change.
Each of our infertility stories is unique and different. No two infertility stories are exactly the same. With the reproduction of two or more people required to create a fetus leading up to 40+ weeks of gestation there are so many factors in each situation that could go wrong. Even when a diagnosis is the same for an infertile female in a couple you still have the male factor with many different possible reasons for lack of conception or potential for miscarriage. Also you have the being able to afford treatment factor. In taking a hard look at this, the options available for one couple might not be available for another couple when it comes to a couple either conceiving a child or third party reproduction. In some cases there are no options to become a parent through some type of scientific intervention.
When it comes to becoming a parent via non biological or other scientific ways the ability to do so can vary as well. Depending upon where a person lives, their financial status and other personal circumstances (health, marital status, etc.) the ability to to become a parent via adopting isn’t available for every couple or person. For instance depending upon where a person/couple lives and what the laws are for adopting they maybe disqualified from adopting. You could also be in a financial situation where you are unable to afford the costs to adopt and lack the ability to raise funds to adopt. Lastly you could be disqualified from adopting due to a health condition you have. In some cases a person/couple may not be able to adopt.
When you add in all of that the conclusion reached is that not everyone will be able to become a parent. I say this because personally I’ve been told by others that it’s my choice to be childless and there are options I’m choosing not to go through. They say this without knowing our full story. There are so many other factors in our story that I haven’t disclosed that are personal to us. I’ve also seen other people be told that if they want to become parents they shouldn’t give up in finding a way to become parents. That is completely unfair to assume unless you know the person/couple’s entire story.
People mean well when they ask those going through infertility if they’ve considered adoption or tried a certain treatment. If a person is curious about what the couple/person has tried instead they can ask what their options are. It’s a more broad question that gives the person going through infertility the ability to have control of the conversation. They may have options they are pursuing or may have exhausted all options. The only way to know is ask rather than go to one specific option that either worked for you or someone you know.
My point is infertility and our ability to become parents is extremely complicated. We should recognize that we all have circumstances that give each couple different options. In some cases a person/couple may choose to pass on their options but in other cases the circumstances may take away any option a person/couple has to become a parent. We can’t assume that a person/couple is choosing to be childless unless we know their whole story.
I say all of this not to be bitter for those who have been able to become parents after infertility. I am grateful that people have been able to become parents because it gives those going through infertility hope that they one day can become parents. It gives me hope that future generations don’t have to go through what so many of us have dealt with. I say this to help others better connect with those going through infertility and those who never become parents. Hopefully this piece can help us better communicate with one another.

It was one year ago today that I made my first blog post. Though I didn’t start blogging that much until around Father’s Day last year when I began writing blog posts on a regular basis. I think about where I was at when I wrote that post and how much I hurt and how ignorant I was. I think about how hard it was for me to cope and how dark things were. It was a scary place, a place that I don’t wish anyone should have to go through.

One year later I wouldn’t say I’ve done a 180 but I’m in a much better place than I was one year ago both personally and in my marriage. Though our situation regarding having children has not changed, I’ve learned to cope with things better. It’s interesting right now I’m at a work conference where I’m meeting new people getting the do you have kids questions and whereas last year I would have said no and had it trigger me, I’m now saying “We aren’t able to have kids”. Those questions aren’t as triggering but they still leave me left out of conversations making it hard to engage in those discussions. The point is my perspective has changed but to a certain extent I recognize that I’ll always hurt no matter how K and I proceed.

I’m not sure where we are heading. Because of everything we have going on in our lives it’s not the right time to make that decision. Though with my 34 birthday less than 3 months away (entering my mid 30’s), I know that we’ll have to make a decision about whether to adopt in the next 2-3 years before we get too old. I can’t see us raising an infant in our early 40’s.

In the meantime, I have my Big Brother training in less than three weeks which will open a new door to hopefully help someone else. I don’t know whether I will be accepted into the program but won’t know unless I try. I’m exciting and nervous as to the opportunity it will bring.

I would like to thank you all for reading and providing me with great feedback over the last year. I hope that you enjoy and continue to provide great feedback and that I’m able to provide you with interesting content to read. I also hope that I’ve been able to provide you some perspective of what a man going through infertility is feeling and going through.

In this world of social media and technology making our world smaller, I would like to thank twitter for connecting me with as much knowledge and as many great people as I have. When I initially signed up for twitter it was to get sports news quickly because I’m a sports nut like most men. But once infertility hit, it became a vital resource for me connecting with people that have helped me learn so much on my journey.

I would not have the knowledge nor would I have the network of support if it wasn’t for twitter. While it may not seem like it could, 140 characters have more power than anyone can quantify. For those of who aren’t following me or someone I don’t follow, I am @gsmwc02 on Twitter. If you aren’t on twitter, you need to. You will gain much value from it.

Well 2013 is now officially over and 2014 is upon us. Though our situation is exactly the same today as it was one year ago I have faith that one way or another something will materialize this year. I know it won’t be easy and there will be times where it feels hopeless but it will work itself out.

I don’t know what that working itself out will mean. I don’t know if it means my wife and I will begin to pursue adopting or if we will make the decision to live childless based upon our circumstances opening ourselves to other opportunities. Either way it won’t be anything I ever expected our life to be. The uncertainty although scary, is ok.

Our future has yet to be determined. It could be that the future will all be good or it could be that it sucks just as much as 2013 did. Being patient is hard but it’s the only choice we have. In the meantime, I wish you all a happy and healthy 2014 and hope that your journeys all figure themselves out for the better.

I’ve decided to expand this blog and add a resources page. This page is a collection of blogs and other websites relating to infertility and the issues relating to different types of alternative parenting (Adoption and Donor Conception). Although the alternative parenting resources are not related to infertility many couples look to these ways to parenthood due to infertility.

I hope these links are of value to those who read this blog as they have been to me. If you have a blog or website relating to infertility or alternative parenting, please let me know as I would be happy to add your site to the page.

Over the last few months I’ve gone back and forth on twitter and her blog with Claudia C. D’Arcy, a birth/first mother on the topic of infertility and its indirect impact on the demand in Domestic Infant Adoption. I’ve mentioned Claudia in past blog posts. She is someone that despite my disagreement with her on a lot of topics, I still respect her and support her cause. In our back and forth conversations I managed to do something that I happen to be good at, annoying the shit out of her. Two weeks ago, I made some comments that were nasty that lead to her needing some more room to respond to me so she put together a blog piece to respond.

Granted she’s not referring to me directly but she’s referring to discussions we’ve had. But I think she brings up a valuable point that as difficult and shitty a situation as infertility brings a couple any decisions they make on how to proceed must take their potential child into account. They also should not engage in unethical adoption practices that could be damaging to a child and their biological family. Infertility doesn’t give anyone the right to act inappropriately.

However, I do believe that the issue is that infertile couples are enabled rather than properly supported in addressing the pain that comes with infertility. Instead of the conversation being “just adopt”, “I know someone who did IVF/adopted and got pregnant” or “you just need to relax and it will happen” the conversation needs to be “I’m sorry for your loss. Is there anything I can do for you?”. Supporting the infertile couple not enabling or guilting them into something that doesn’t fix their infertility. The only thing that fixes infertility is a pregnancy and birth of a biological child related to both parents. Adoption and Donor Conception are alternative ways to parenthood but are not cures to infertility as pointed out in this blog I came across.

In the comment section of Claudia’s piece, I ended up getting into some heated discussions with people who are members of her community. I’m not proud of some of the things I wrote as I got nasty. But towards the end of the comments one person had a great contribution:

I agree that infertility grief is not as well supported as it should be. I think many people in AdotionLand DO recognize and support that grieving. I know that I do. But, the average Joe / Jane on the street says, “Why Don’t You Just Adopt?” And that is where it all goes to hell… So, how can we change Joe / Jane so that they don’t say shit like that? How can we silence the “You Can Just Adopt” chorus? How can we change the uninformed public perception that adoption cures infertility? How can we change the public perception that adoption is all unicorns farting rainbows all day long?

Case in point: Not long ago, I was talking to a younger woman about my kids, and mentioned that I wish I had started earlier in life so that I could have a larger family. It didn’t take ten seconds for her to ask me, “Why wouldn’t you just adopt?” When I told her that I wouldn’t adopt because I am adopted and I know what living that life is like, she looked at me like I had grown horns on my head. Because, how dare I say anything negative about adoption, right?

So, although I am not infertile (just getting older) – I recognize the truth that we (as a society) don’t support infertility grieving the way we should. The uneducated masses hear infertility and shout “Adoption!” or “Fostering!”, as if these things will make the infertility go away. They don’t. They just add a whole new level of suckyness onto an already bad situation. Hearing that over and over fucks with the heads of infertile people in the worst way possible. They are pushed to become the people who have adoption fundraisers. They are pushed to become the people who pray for a family to be destroyed so that they can have a baby. They become adoptive parents like mine, who (after getting what they so deeply desired) realize that they are still infertile… and now they’re raising someone else’s fucking kid on top of it. Do you know what it’s like to hear “I wish I never had you” from your adoptive mother? I do.

I believe we need to change the conversation with infertile couples to address their pain and help them manage their situation. For me while I am not sure how my wife and I will proceed one thing I am confident in is that I’ll always be infertile. Whether we pursue alternative parenthood is irrelevant to our infertility. How I fill the void in my life that infertility has left does not replace a biological child that we’re unable to have. I need to continue to manage the pain infertility has left no matter what happens. But I believe I will be able to do that in time and leave open the possibility that I could become someone’s daddy.

Let me start by saying that I am a social worker. I work with kids in foster care who will never be able to be reunified with their birth parents. It is my job to find another permanent option for them. Usually, this means adoption.

Adoption is an extremely personal decision. People who have not really contemplated it do not understand the countless factors that go into it. Everyone will have their own opinions on each issue that comes along with adoption.

Currently, I have no desire to adopt. To be honest, I want my husband’s child. I want to make someone with his intelligence and dimples. I want to go through the experience of gestation with my husband. I want to see his face when our child enters the world. This is something that adoption will not replace. Others seem to think that adoption is some sort of solution…