Coffee grounds sighting and Feminism vs. FSM

Published September 4th, 2009 by Bobby Henderson

As an athiest and a feminist, I have had a lot of trouble with your Church’s vision of “heaven”. ..really, a stripper factory?!?! As a herteosexual woman, I don’t find this vision of heaven very appealing. And I really don’t like beer at all. I’m more of a red wine gal. I also have had problems with Pastafarianism since my doctor told me I have to cut back on carbs. I admit, giving up pasta has me really stresses out, so much so that while cleaning my kitchen up today, I dropped a coffee filter FULL of wet ground on the floor. As I started to clean it up, His Nooldy Goodness touched me and gave me this vision:

In Heaven, I can eat all the pasta I want and still have the body of a stripper! I can run my “self” through the Stripper Factory system over and over again, changing my appearance by pushing the “reset button” before I go into it. I will have infinite costumes, hair and make-up changes and I will feel strong and vibrant enough to pole dance (something I can’t do now since I’m almost 60.) “He” also whispered into my ear that the beer in heaven tastes the way one wants it to taste…so the Beer Volcano is magical in that the beer sometimes tastes like a chocolate milk shake – or – a really nice Cabernet. It really solves all my theological problems.

When the vision faded, I awoke on the kitchen floor thinking I had had a stroke, but then, I saw the splattered coffee grounds (see attachment) and knew I had truely been blessed by “Him”.

…In Sherman Oaks there dwelt Alison, a devout follower of His Noodly Goodness.
Being in poor health her doctor said unto her – cut back on the carbs, and she had doubt.
Being a foodie she realized that wine truly paired better with Pasta rather than the Holy Beer, and she had doubt.
Being a straight woman she thought she would have little use for a stripper factory, and thought “What about me? Is there nothing for your straight female followers?” and she had doubt.
And it came to pass that a follower of the Divine Flying Spaghetti Monster Had Doubt. (and possibly a stroke)

Alison had a vision, and The FSM Revealed unto her:
I am a wise and loving God and would leave no one out in the rain! (unless they liked the rain). I love All My Children (it’s my favorite soap) and I love all of my Followers, Man, Woman, Straight, Gay, Bisexual, Transgendered and everything else in between.

My Child, if you so desire you may run yourself through the stripper factory, as many times if you wish, but only if it will please you.
You shalt have infinite costumes, hair and make-up changes and will feel strong and vibrant enough to pole dance (something she could not do now since she was almost 60.)

His Noodlyness also whispered into Her ear that the beer in heaven tastes the way one wants it to taste…so the Beer Volcano is magical in that the beer sometimes tastes like a chocolate milk shake – or – a really nice Cabernet, whatever my children desire

And lo He came unto her and said “Go forth Alison Speak to the faithful, and Help Get This Shit Straightened Out! Go forth (or fifth depending on your place in line) Share these truths collect the other answers from the faithful”

When the vision faded, Alison awoke on the kitchen floor thinking she had had a stroke, but then, she saw His mark in the splattered coffee grounds and knew she had truly been blessed by Him.

And So Alison became a Prophet and went to the people, shared her truths, and her Mission to Help Get This Shit Striagtend Out, all of this she shared with the faithful.

The faithful responded thusly:
With regards to the stripper factory, Like the holy beer in the Volcanoes, the Factory will produce your desire. If you want Male strippers, you got ‘em. (Captain Jack Sparrow goes on at 7:00) If you want to run yourself thru the stripper factory have at it.
If all you want is to sit back and enjoy the show, that is all you have to do, It will be a great show.

And so Alison became a Saint, A prophet, and a Minor Internet Celebrity.