Aging parents - how to deal?

Her parents just moved away to an assisted living home in the last year and are not adjusting well to the changes at all. They miss home and the grandkids and the friends, her kids miss them, etc. They moved out of state and traveling to see them isn't possible right now.

Have any of you had to deal with this? How are you working through it, and do you have any advice?

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My husband and I have been the primary caregivers to my parents for 2 1/4 years. It is a most difficult experience so I am sorry your friend is stressed. It is very stressful. I have had my parents living with us this entire time. They are 85 and 89. We have just made the decision after looking at local assisted living facilities, to move them there 8/1. My Father suffers from dementia and my Mom's memory is failing. She really needs a full-time nurse so this is the right, albeit toughest decision for me.

When they moved in with us, they also missed their house, their car, their friends...etc., etc. It is sad but the reality is they could not any longer get along alone. It sucks getting old and it's very hard to see your parents take the role of children because they can no longer take care of themselves. We have done everything we could for them, and in the last 2 years, put ourselves last. No vacations, stopped seeing many friends and such. It is truly difficult. It is time for them to be properly cared for and time again for us to live.

Your friend needs to make sure her parents have proper care. Send them mail (they looooove mail!) and have any family members do the same, especially from the Grandkids. Send pictures regularly too. Make sure their new environment looks "homey". I am bringing some of our furniture, throws for the beds, pillows, flowers and plants and especially family photos. I have told them that just because they will live there, we will take them out to dinner on occasion or lunch and take them shopping from time to time. It is a huge adjustment. They will never (I repeat) never be 100% happy with the change. There will be complaints (old people love to complain) and that's OK. Visit when you can but do not stop your life.

Guilt is a huge issue with me and I am still working that one through. If your friend has siblings that would be a major help. I actually do but have one who doesn't assist at all. I assume they have a phone in their room so having their friends and family call them is very important too. Please wish her luck for me. I do understand. No one who hasn't gone through this, simply would not.

I am so sorry to hear about your friend. And I know that you want to do something to help and don't know or can't. Just the fact that you care means so much (more than you can know).

Is moving the parents closer to where your friend is an option at all?

Perhaps your friend should make a moment once or twice a week where your she sits down and writes a note of what is going on in her world or a note telling her parents how much she misses them and loves them. I bet they would be THRILLED to get that kind of mail.
Get her kids to sit down at the same time and write something as well. If they are too young to write, have them draw pictures or color something. I know these things sound kind of corny - but I know I would treasure those kinds of things. The fact that someone took a moment and thought of me and to have proof of that thought with a note or a doodle would just make my day!!!

Running up the phone bill may be another thing to do. I bet I speak with my mom at least once a day (ok, I might let a whole day go with no call) but never more than two. Even if it is just for a minute or two to say "love you/mean it/gotta run".

You mentioned they are in an assisted living center - don't know if that just means like an active senior's community or if they are very sick and cannot do much. My parents are getting older, I don't live near (but a 3 hour drive isn't that terrible). My step-father is getting forgetful (be it alzheimer's or some type of dementia...who knows???). My mom gets so frustrated sometimes; I can empathize, it is maddening having to repeat EVERYTHING you say over and over and over and over!!!! But, poor guy, he can't help it. Plus, for now, it isn't so terrible. He functions fine. You just kind of notice that his short term memory is awful.

Because of the beginnings of this, I have done quite a bit of reading regarding long-distance care giving. The following are bits and pieces of advice that I have found that may help:

You will not be able to do everything, and that is OK.
You will need help. Ask for it! If you have a personal conviction that keeps you from asking for help, seriously consider giving yourself permission to change that rule!
If you define successful caregiving as

my mother is the yougest of six. Her parents moved in with the oldest of the six, my Aunt Carolyn, 15 years ago. They were still active and healthy, but had a horse farm that just became too much for them. My aunt was/is single, has never been married/no kids, and was retired, so my grandparents gave her money and had a small "wing" (2 BR, 1 BA and a sitting area) added to my aunt's house.

At first, for about 4 years, all was fine. My aunt is close to her parents, and enjoyed the company and the help with expenses, housecleaning,etc.

But then my grandfather was diagnosed with Alzheimer's. Little by little, he slipped away. He started falling alot. My aunt had the house made "handicap accessible" in every way possible, with rails on the walls, a special tub/shower, etc. But he eventually became bedridden and even had to wear diapers.

Also, Alheizmer's and dementia patients can become easily confused, and scared, and thus combative, even violent. My grandfather, the gentlest man I ever knew, did so.

Not long after my grandfather's health declined, so did my grandmother's. Now my aunt had TWO seriously ill people to take care of 24/7 with little help.

Then my aunt was diagnosed with Stage II Breast Cancer. But she still took care of them.

After her treatments ended for breast cancer, they found polyps in her colon. And yes, it was early colon cancer.

Still, sick as a dog, she took care of her parents.

When my grandfather finally died in 2003, he had never spent a day or night in a nursing home.

Now, my grandmother lies in a hospice, slowly dying (she's been there a week). And my aunt feels TREMENDOUS guilt for "putting" her there. My grandmother is almost 90 and very, very sick.

My aunt and I were talking, and she said she never thought, 15 years ago, that things would be as hard as there were or turn out as they had. She had NO idea what she was getting into.

I am not trying to talk your friend out of a nursing home. I am just trying to say, being a caregiver is VERY VERY VERY hard.

Like Singer said, adjustment will be VERY hard. Old people complain; they have a lot of free time (well, it's true!).

Before she decides on an assisted living facility, THROUGHLY check it out. What are the licensing requirements for the staff? Is the facility clean? How do the residents seem? Just sitting around, or are there any type of activities they can participate in? What sort of meals are served? Does each room have a locked door, alarm and/or private phone line? (If her parents are still fairly mobile, recommend they get a unit/apt. with a private phone line, a lock and alarm system if possible). Does the facility allow pets? Many do, and they make great companions!!! Does the center have references available? Check with the local DHEC to see if any complaints have been made against the facility. Just REALLY check the place out.

Good luck to your friend, and I am sorry she is in such a difficult position.