Friday, March 28, 2014

I wish my mind were a four-way street, so there will be multiple chances for you to get hit by a bus or a truck every time you cross it , in this case almost all the time , mostly before I sleep and when I wake up. And why would I wish for such a horrid thing? It's just so you know how much it hurts to miss you all the time while you clearly do not give a damn, and then having to pretend I'm okay simply because people can't take a hint that I get tired of talking about my feelings.

It's torturous to think that you might never have thought about me anyway, I'm way too insignificant for your concern. You live your life everyday without me, like I've never meant anything to you. Like all those memories we had and the secrets we shared were absolutely redundant. How do you do that? How do you pull through? How do you just,completely erase my existence?

I have cut off a lot of people in my life simply because they serve no purpose, and they have forgotten about me entirely, they found someone better than me and hence decided to move on to a future where I play no prominent role - if life were a movie I'd probably just be a passer-by or an extra they used to know,and no longer care about. I should do the same to you but deep down, my heart refuses to. And the big question is why?

It's bizarre how someone can transition from a stranger,to a friend, to slightly more than friends and when things fall apart,back to strangers again. It happens so gradually and silently, that you don't see it coming. I should've known that our relationship was heading for the ruins ever since the day I got attached to you. I accept the fact that we are not meant to be, in spite of how much we have in common and how much we mutually understand each other, but I did not expect "we can't be more than friends" to be a complete deal breaker to our friendship. I realize that things will never be the same,and to recover from the damage is near to impossible,but it hurts to know that I'm the only one fighting to keep the friendship.

It kills me to see how you're talking to everyone else in the gang but me. Of course,I mirrored that behavior but the fact that it's not in my nature to ignore people, it cuts me deep. No one knows how many times I've internally screamed "I MISS YOU! TALK TO ME!" whenever you're around, whilst not being able to do anything about it. I can't text you knowing you might not reply to me,and Facebook's "seen" feature does not help - it tells me you've read my text but do not bother to reply. I can't invite you out, you might think I'm trying to get a second chance to be with you while I clearly have no choice but to rule out the idea. I can't talk to you without you giving me that "why are you trying to start a conversation with me? we're done,get over it" look. Every single thing I do will only result in your misinterpretation,and drive you further away from me than you already are. I miss you but I can't tell you so, do you realize how painful that is?

There are times when I feel like I've completely moved on, and then something triggers that long gone emotion buried deep within the valleys of supposedly broken hopes. The memories that linger with each and every single stimuli my senses pick up throughout the day, from songs to a variety of scents and sometimes even visuals.

There is no escaping flashbacks of you it seems.

The fried chicken joint that sells crispy chicken tenders reminds me of the time I pretended to be full and gave you my mashed potatoes because you love it.

The smell of the rain reminds me of the time we watched our favorite band live in concert together and I cried in the rain, so you comforted me thinking I was having a flu - silly you.

Slippery floors remind me of the time you tripped on my shoe and I laughed at you , only to find myself tripping on your shoes too not one second later - karma is a bitch but we both had a good laugh on the floor.

Falling asleep while texting reminds me of the time you panicked when I didn't reply to your text, so you flooded my inbox with probably 50 messages only to find out I dozed off out of exhaustion.

Waking up to the calming tunes on the radio reminds of the time I hit the sack earlier than you did so you decided to link me a song for me to "start the day with" the next morning.

Tiny hills remind me of the time you tried to be a gentleman and offered your hand to help me climb up a small cliff, but slipped and I caught you by the shoulders.

My Alain Delon heels remind me of the time you called me short and kicked my stiletto just to mess with me, and then you ran when I tried to kick you back.

My cellphone lock screen reminds me of the time you figured out my password pattern and tried to spread it to everyone in our gang, so I poked you in the rib.

The couch reminds me of the time you came to my house for Eid,and fell asleep when everyone was too busy sharing horror tales.

The hallways remind me of the time we had our first rave together at midnight,and we sang our lungs out to the tunes of "If I Lose Myself" by One Republic at the empty hallway - that was the night you proclaimed it to be "our song".

Cab rides remind me of the time I helped you and our friend move to a new apartment, she purposely left us in the same cab alone with your stuff while she took a separate one with hers just because she knows I had sort of a crush on you.

But there is one thing I will never forget : morning wake up calls. They remind me of the time you looked at our schedule wrongly and woke me up at 8am, asking me where the venue for the class is.It was the only day I could have slept in but you ruined it,yet I couldn't get mad at you at all.

That was when I realized, you were not just a friend to me. You can never be just that, and I guess I can pretend all I want, it will never change how I feel about you - even if you don't feel the same way about me.

And maybe the reason I can't let go is not because I'm stubborn, but because maybe... maybe I've actually started to love you. You may no longer be in my life anymore, but you will always be a part of my bittersweet memories. And this wasted heart will always miss and love you from afar.