Jacob Clifton

This weekend's TV concerns itself with La Toya Jackson's chattier body parts, Nate Silver and Bill Maher discussing absolutely nothing controversial going on in the world this week probably, and the provocative (and procreative!) lives of the Amish.

FRIDAY

At 8/7c. you've got two choices: Another set of Korra episodes on Nickelodeon, and the third episode of Girl Meets World. I love the former and have not seen the latter, but I do know that getting prettied up for the club still takes me back to college, Topanga and Sabrina teaching us how to do witchcraft of all kinds as we prepartied. Thursday college tip: Turn the dorm fridge up to a thousand, cram the bladder out of a box of white wine in there, and 36 hours later, as Boy is meeting World, you are meeting the night.

At 7/6c. there's another Kid President on The Hub, and at 8/7c. something called Expecting Amish on Lifetime, which I'm guessing is some people throw a dinner party and the Amish guests are late—what are they, gonna call ahead?—and then while this is going on, someone is sexually assaulted, and there is a murder, and a child is kept in a box somewhere damp. And all the time, where are those Amish? At 9/8c., Bad Teacher continues its slow grapevine toward the "Detention" that we call simply "death."

At 10/9c. is when things get awesome: Almost Royal on BBC America hits DC, LMN details the Haunting—no shit—of Wayne Newton, Life with La Toya is this week entitled "If My Heart Could Speak To Your Heart..." (not my ellipse), and TLC's Sex Sent Me to the ER is tantalizingly called, "Stuck On Me." When that happens to dogs you just turn the hose on them. I don't know what it is when it's people. Or well, I guess you go to the Emergency Room, apparently. Then at 11/10c. another two episodes of naked real estate television program Buying Naked, which is already "over" in my opinion, but one of the episodes is notably called "Broadcast Nudes," which shows a certain spark I think. A sass.

SUNDAY

At 8/7c. the hot ones are Big Brother and Real Housewives of New Jersey, but if you don't like watching animals trapped in cages slowly turning on themselves and each other like abandoned zoo animals you can watch Wipeout—which if you weren't aware, is the exact same show as American Ninja Warrior, just without the refinement and cultural cache—and on HGTV the always hilariously titled Beachfront Bargain Hunt's "Dustin And His Sister Explore Cabo To Find A Beachfront Home That His Pregnant Wife Will Approve Of."

Dustin And His Sister Explore Cabo To Find Nazi Gold And Discover A Cursed Lazy Susan, Laden With Jewels. Dustin And His Sister Explore The Limits of Human/Sea Mammal Telepathic Communication That His Pregnant Wife Will Approve Of. Dustin And His Pregnant Wife Explore Their Sisters To Find A Beachfront Home That Cabo Will Approve Of. Dustin And His Sister Rediscover Their Childhood Bond In The Absence of His Judgmental Pregnant Wife. Dustin And His Sister Explore Cabo To Find A Beachfront Home That Is Not Riddled With Insecurities.

At 9/8c. Endeavour finishes its second season on a network you can guess based merely on the title of the show (hint: Not BBCA), more grown-ass women embarrassing themselves on Bravo as is the custom of our day, Last Ship and Musketeers continue brusquely forward into the future and our past respectively, and Oprah continues trying to figure out Where Is Sheila E Now. There's also Ray Donovan, which I think could be getting better this season, and True Blood, which has always been and will always be the greatest program television can offer.

At 10/9c. we move into The very excellent Leftovers and Masters Of Sex and the Children Of Men-nish pilot of Lifetime's new drama The Lottery. There's also more Botched on e! and Oprah receives a Master Class from, get this, Billy Bob Thornton. ("Today we are learning about why you shouldn't eat in front of black and white movies, why it's best to fingerbang drag kings at bowling alleys for the majority of your sexual release, and what it is that makes antiques so evil.") Otherwise you can learn more of the manufactured backstory of that Duck Dynasty trash on "Behind the Quack" (which...), or watch The Strain, whose pilot was the worst goddamn thing I have seen in a long time.

Or you could just wait for John Oliver at 11/10c., and spend the rest of the day in silent contemplation. Sounds like a plan to me, man.