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Thursday, March 17, 2011

Amateur Day

In other words, happy St. Patrick’s Day.

I’m always kind of ambivalent about St. Patrick’s Day, probably because I’m not Irish. And this seems to be one of those days, like New Years Eve and the NFL playoffs, that people feel obligated to go out and get completely shit-faced drunk. So I usually don’t do anything for St. Paddy’s. I do enjoy the jokes though…

I used to have an “Onion” day calendar that had a particularly good bit for this day:

I particularly like #2.

I hate crowded bar rooms in any circumstances and it’s especially annoying on St. Pats. My only salvation would be to take Sitcom Kelly with me. She has experience in clearing Irish bars. Once she was visiting Ireland and enjoying some drinks in a nice local pub. One of the locals asked her what she was doing in Ireland. She answered, “I want Irish babies!”

This was after the stampede.

Anyway, here’s a little something I’m posting as a public service to those of you determined to go out tonight anyway. I worked long and hard copying this over from my Dad’s email, but nothing is too good for my friends!

A GUIDE FOR YOU FOR ST. PATRICK'S DAY

IRISH BEER TROUBLESHOOTING GUIDE

SYMPTOM

CAUSE

CORRECTIVE ACTION

Feet cold and wet

Glass Being held at incorrect angle.

Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling

Feet warm and wet

Improper Bladder Control

Stand next to nearest dog, complain about lack of house training

Beer unusually pale and tasteless

a. Glass empty.

b. You're holding a Coors Lite

Get someone to buy you another beer

Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights

You have fallen over backward.

Have yourself leashed to the bar

Mouth contains cigarette butts, back of head covered with ashes

You have fallen forward

See above

Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet

a. Mouth not open

b. Glass applied to wrong part of face

Retire to restroom, practice in front of mirror

Floor Blurred

You are looking through bottom of empty glass

Get someone to buy you another beer

Floor moving

You are being carried out

Find out if you are being taken to another bar

Room seems unusually dark

Bar has closed

Confirm home address with bartender. If staff is gone, grab a six-pack to go and hit the nearest fire escape door. Run.

Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures

Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations

Cover mouth, open window, stick head outside

Everyone looks up to you and smiles

You are dancing on the table

Fall on someone cushy-looking

Beer is crystal-clear

It's water! Somebody is trying to sober you up

Punch him

People are standing around the urinals, talking.

You're in the ladies' room

Do not use urinal! Excuse yourself, exit and try the next door down the hall. Try to get phone numbers before exiting. (optional)

Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear

You have been in a fight

Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them

Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in

You've wandered into the wrong party

See if they have free beer

Your bedroom is painted gray, has a concrete floor and an interesting steel door. Toilet may be conveniently located next to your bunk

a. You're in jail

b. You're in the navy

Sleep it off, you can always get out tomorrow. Don't talk to your new roommate, and under no circumstances sleep on your stomach

Cassie,I think Viking Appreciation Day would be a stellar idea. It would be just like those Capital One commercials. The problem is that we’d probably have to eat lutefisk and we’d be sick long before we even got drunk.

Vaaaaaange!I’ve missed you!!

Glad I could help. It’s my belief that all drunks have a reliable support system.

Yeah, Italians got the shaft on national holidays. I'm half & half (Irish on my dad's side; Italian on my mother's), so I drink good beer and eat good food. It's the best of both worlds!

My husband would love to join you for Bocce. Baltimore has courts down in Little Italy, don't they? WHEN I meet you, I'll tell you about finding them on a trip to B'more. Better yet, I'll let Dan tell it.

I love the guideSome things I have seen and hopefully never triedSome of those suggestions are damn right greatAnd oh so funny but for some it's fateAs they get to damn drunkAnd in a stupid funkThen they are sunkAnd smell like a skunkNow I must goWhere to I don't know

Red Pen Mama,Glad to see you surface online! I guess the baby is napping well…

The bocce courts in Little Italy are amazing! I used to go the Feast of St. Gabriel (meaning “giant street fair”) every August with my sister (when she still lived here) and it was always a ball. I could sit and watch the bocce players all day, especially when they start carrying on with each other, in Italian. After enough beer, I start to understand them.

The street fair is amazing. I always say it celebrates the 4 facets of being Italian: food, drink, religion and gambling.

The food booths are wonderful… all kinds of Italian delicacies are there, hand made by authentic Italian grandmas wearing their housecoats. You can get everything from pasta to sausage and onions, to elephant ears. They have beer trucks, wine stands and all kinds of prizes that you can’t just buy; you have to place bets on a roulette wheel to win them. And of course, the fair takes place at the crossroads of Little Italy, right between 2 large and very old churches.

Hmmm. I smell a post coming on all this… Probably later this summer.

And speaking of later, you’re hearing it here first… I’m going to be back in Pittsburgh at the end of May. (Another wedding.) I will be free and clear all day that Monday (Memorial Day) and hope to scare up some kind of bloggers event. (Or crash somebody else’s.) Hope your schedule is clear… Stay tuned.

Cassie,I KNOW! He’s been MIA for a couple weeks. I’m dying to hear more about his fabulous former career as a television “extra.” He’s been harder to find than your sister, Carly…

I've never done the St. Patty's Day thing. I am definitely Irish (Shannon is my maiden name), but it just seems weird to purposely get drunk on a night that the world's cops are watching the hardest for missteps. Eh. I'll have my Guinness when I feel like it, damn it! :)

About Me

Heathen blogger living in Baltimore, with Pittsburgh roots. I comment on sports, politics, movies, TV, pop culture and anything else that sufficiently provokes me. More vital information can be found at the "Helpful Stuff to Know" link at the top of the page.