I Gave my Vulva the VIP Treatment This Spring and Now I’m Addicted

No reading between the loins here — I gave my vulva a full treatment this spring for the first time ever and it’s officially my favourite thing. Like the rest of the world, I’ve been coping through this pandemic — and when my cutely-packaged South products arrived, the opportunity to restore some sense of wellness back into my mundane life came too.

The directions on these products aiming to help protect balance in my cis-lady part regions were clear — and as someone who is prone to eczema and has sensitive skin, I was delighted to discover all the products in this South set were free of parabens, SLES and SLS, mineral oil, phthalates, formaldehydes, artificial colours, retynyl palmitate and other sneaky ingredients too often found in these types of things.

Let’s be clear, I’m not a Goop gal — I don’t steam my vagina nor do I ride 24 karat gold dildos — I’m just your typical hygienic lesbian who showers regularly, avoids a second cup of coffee if I’m expecting to get laid and have been relying on my drugstore soaps for sensitive skin until now.

This new intimate line of below-the-belt products comes from Canadian entrepreneur Lexi Miles, Founder and CEO of WAXON Laser + Waxbar — who seems to know a thing or two about caring for the body. So, I felt safe to indulge in all the products: South’s Probiotic Intimate Skin Cleanser, the AHA/PHA Ingrown Serum, Probiotic Deo-Mist, Fresh Wipes — and even the Sex H20 Lube. Here’s what you can expect from these luxurious products for your very own vulva.

South’s Probiotic Intimate Skin Cleanser

One pump of this amber and rose water scented cleanser into your palm is all you need to lather up a lil clean for your vulva. Gentle enough for more sensitive parts, it’s cool if you end up lathering other body parts with this clear PH balanced cleanser. I’m a skeptic with beauty and wellness products — but I left that first shower feeling especially fresh and fancy. While I felt clean, the best part about this cleanser was the amazing fragrance and strange boost in confidence — it felt like I snail trailed across the fanciest part of France and I was ready for anything.

South’s AHA/PHA Ingrown Serum

Full disclosure, as a hairless Asian, I have never been able to grow a full bush. I don’t grow hair on my arms, my legs or under my armpits (like, aside from the six hairs I pluck every four months). But I saved up whatever hair I could grow, even ordered a razor and shaved just so I could experience this treatment.

The Alpha Hydroxy Acid (AHA) is said to help clear dead skin cells, prevent and heal ingrown hairs and benefits the sensitive skin’s texture and elasticity. The Polyhydroxy Acid (PHA) is included in the formula to improve hydration, provide antioxidant support and is all anti-inflammatory.

The bottle also mentions it’s fine to use on your face — which I also tried, after plucking my moustache and cursing myself for not making it to the groomer’s just one last time pre-Covid to get my upper lip waxed and eyebrows threaded.

The good news is I didn’t have any outbreaks, reactions or rashes — on my vulva or my face. So, I’m including this in my wellness routine for those periodic shaves and future after-care following visits to the groomers/beauty salons.

South’s Probiotic Deo-Mist

This spray and go probiotic deo-mist was the first product in this collection to catch my eye. The concept of a handy, non-offensive, deliciously scented spray for my vulva after a long day of sitting and working is key to feeling fresh. The same combination of amber and rose water makes for a fancy scent — and is exactly the one I want to greet you at the entrance of my female fun park (pro tip: make me a custom playlist and I’ll probably give you a season’s pass).

Apparently there are plant-based odour neutralizers in this spray — so, this fine mist may have you feeling and smelling fresh even after a ball hockey game (I haven’t tested this theory yet because COVID). But you hold the bottle about six inches away from the apex of your thighs and prepare yourself for that refreshing lil spray. And then, you too can feel like a royal with the freshest vulva ready for a good time.

South’s Fresh Wipes

For a power combo to prep for after-work dates (when we’re allowed to re-enter the world again), these fresh wipes are a sweet go-to before finishing off with a spray of the Probiotic Deo-Mist. They’re also individually packaged — which isn’t great for the environment but convenient for your purse. But the wipes themselves are vegan and said to be made of 100 per cent biodegradable rayon paper. So you can leave one in your desk, carry one in your purse, tuck one into your gym bag and anywhere else it may come in handy.

South’s Sex H20 PH Balanced Lubricant

Unfortunately for me, I am a single thirty-something lesbian toughing out this pandemic alone. I live with my 46-year-old straight male best friend (read: my chosen big brother) — and testing this lube was not the easiest feat. So in our growing list of way too much detail, I’ll have you know that when enjoying sexy times, I rarely have to reach for lube. But there have been times, especially in longer-term relationships, where lube does come in handy when you’re adding toys and experimenting.

Being as dedicated as I am to my job, I blasted Broken Social Scene’s Sweetest Kill on my Sonos, kicked the dog out and dusted off a toy I haven’t touched since 2016. The lube worked and left me with no rashes.

This was my least favourite scent — but the good news is it tastes like nothing (read: no weird after taste either).

As you may have noticed, this VIP treatment for my vulva has been one of the highlights of my self-care routine during these strange, strange times. All these Canadian products are available in Canada and the US — and are reasonably priced. Treat yourself.

Chloe Tse is the Editor for Slice.ca. This gaysian journalist, co-founder of TheFeminismProject.com, media critic and social justice warrior has a background in print and digital magazines — and has been published in Curve, Fashion, S/Style, The Toronto Star, CAA Magazine, Daily Xtra and more. Above all, she’s a mom to a bad beagle. Follow her on Twitter @KChloeTse