Remember that time Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston got divorced and everyone felt compelled to pick a side between Aniston and Angelina Jolie, the maligned “other woman,” and how we spent the subsequent 12 years blaming or judging both women either as whore or barren cat lady, and how tabloid covers still trot out love triangle stories about them when faced with a slow news week, but mostly how no one in the history of this triangle has given much thought at all to the male at the center, only focusing on the women, and even when their split was announced on Tuesday, everyone joked about Aniston or blamed Marion Cotillard because she’s in a movie with Pitt and that Angelina has finally gotten what was coming to her, and still no one seemed to care about Pitt himself? We all remember that time, right?

OK, just making sure.

Anyway, Brad Pitt is under investigation for child abuse.

Brad Pitt is under investigation by the LAPD and L.A. County Dept. of Children and Family Services for allegedly getting verbally abusive and physical with his children, and that’s what triggered the divorce … TMZ has learned.

Sources familiar with the situation tell us, Brad, Angelina and their kids were on a flight last Wednesday when he allegedly got wasted on the private jet. He allegedly went wild, screaming and getting physical with the kids.

We’re told the plane landed at an airport around 8 PM, and witnesses say Pitt continued his rant on the tarmac, and even tried leaving in one of the fuel trucks.

TMZ does not have the specifics of the abuse, only that it was “both verbal and physical.” I’m fairly certain this is a card Jolie is holding until absolutely necessary, along with any additional incidents that lead to this one.

Pitt’s response is…buddy, you are out of your element here.

A source close to Brad tells TMZ, “He takes the matter very seriously and says he did not commit any abuse of his children,” adding, “It’s unfortunate that people involved are continuing to present him in the worst possible light.”

“LAPD is not handling any report or allegations into child abuse for Mr. Brad Pitt,” the LAPD told Us Weekly in a statement on Thursday, September 22.

According to the Public Information Officer for the LAPD, “We don’t have anything on Brad Pitt right now. We have confirmed with the detectives, and according to our detectives there are no active investigations regarding Brad Pitt.”

So, either TMZ got a bad tip and the whole thing is made up, the LAPD is not investigating but DCFS is, the LAPD is either lying or using creative semantics, or, I don’t know, something else entirely, this whole thing is batshitbonkers.

Now, operating under the assumption that something happened, or at the very least Pitt knew this information would go public, to me, it makes the cheating focus a bit suspect. It’s either the most obvious go-to reason Page Six and its ilk could fathom for this breakup…or it’s something someone leaked to pull focus from the far more insidious truth. This is purely speculation on my part. But if you were about to have the whole world know you’re under investigation for child abuse, throwing a pregnant woman under the bus might seem like your best move.

We now know why Jolie went with the scorched earth approach. Because you touch my children, I will burn the fucking world down.

UPDATE: According to TMZ, the reason the LAPD isn’t investigating is because the case got passed to the FBI. This appears to be because the incident happened on an overseas flight, so it’s not in the LAPD’s jurisdiction. DCFS has allegedly already interviewed Pitt and Jolie and will interview the kids next.