The Most Fashionable Crabs Never Wear White After Labor Day

Fashion is tricky. I, for instance, am wearing two different colored socks right now. But in the ocean, fashion is a matter of survival. Take the urchin and decorator crabs, which wear other organisms as hats and jackets. Learn more in this week’s episode of Absurd Creatures!

Find every episode of Absurd Creatureshere. And I’m happy to hear from you with suggestions on what to cover next. If it’s weird and we can find footage of it, it’s fair game. You can get me at matthew_simon@wired.com or on Twitter at @mrMattSimon.

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The Arapaima Is Pretty Much a Tank With Scales and Eyeballs

Listen, I don’t have anything against piranhas. They’ve never bothered me none. But a whole lot of other creatures in the Amazon have every right to fear them—except for the arapaima. This beast grows to 10 feet long and is covered with armored scales, making it an apex predator of incredible proportions. Check out this week’s episode of Absurd Creatures to learn more!

Find every episode of Absurd Creatureshere. And I’m happy to hear from you with suggestions on what to cover next. If it’s weird and we can find footage of it, it’s fair game. You can get me at matthew_simon@wired.com or on Twitter at @mrMattSimon.

The Coati Is Part Raccoon, Part Monkey, and Part Pig

It’s a good thing the coati doesn’t have much of an internal life, because if it did, it would probably be having a major identity crisis. This guy has the long, muscular snout of a pig, the tail of a burgling raccoon, and the tree-climbing dexterity of a monkey. Oh! And bonus animal: It can also bend its snout up to 60 degrees in any direction as it roots through the dirt for grubs, so it’s pretty elephantine, too. No matter what it looks like to you, I think we can all agree on one thing: The coati is universally cute.

Find every episode of Absurd Creatureshere. And I’m happy to hear from you with suggestions on what to cover next. If it’s weird and we can find footage of it, it’s fair game. You can get me at matthew_simon@wired.com or on Twitter at @mrMattSimon.

Hey, Life Could Be Worse. You Could Be a Dung Beetle

“It’s a dirty job,” Faith No More once said, “but someone’s gotta do it. [Chorus: We care a lot!]” Tell me about it, replies the dung beetle. Someone has to clean up the scat that covers the Earth (yeah, there’s a lot of it). But the dung beetle doesn’t just eat poo—the males roll it into balls to woo the ladies, which in turn use it as a home for their young. It’s just one big crappy situation. Check out this week’s episode of Absurd Creatures for more!

Find every episode of Absurd Creatureshere. And I’m happy to hear from you with suggestions on what to cover next. If it’s weird and we can find footage of it, it’s fair game. You can get me at matthew_simon@wired.com or on Twitter at @mrMattSimon.

Silly Mudskipper. Fish Aren’t Supposed to Be Walking on Land

Hundreds of millions of years ago, our fishy ancestors dragged themselves out of the water and diversified into all the vertebrates on Earth—everything from lizards to primates to humans. But one particular fish just can’t seem to make up its mind about living in the water or on land: the mudskipper. And good on it, because it’s marvelously adapted for both lives. Check out this week’s episode of Absurd Creatures to learn more!

Find every episode of Absurd Creatureshere. And I’m happy to hear from you with suggestions on what to cover next. If it’s weird and we can find footage of it, it’s fair game. You can get me at matthew_simon@wired.com or on Twitter at @mrMattSimon.

Bats: The 60-MPH Speed Demons of the Sky

You know bats—the flighty mammals that find their way around with sonar and eat bugs and sometimes revert to their human form and live in a castle on a hill. But bats have a little secret I’d like to share with you: They can be astonishingly fast. As in, as fast as a car on a highway. This isn’t a Halloween trick, because quite frankly I don’t got time for that. So check out this week’s episode of Absurd Creatures to learn more!

Find every episode of Absurd Creatureshere. And I’m happy to hear from you with suggestions on what to cover next. If it’s weird and we can find footage of it, it’s fair game. You can get me at matthew_simon@wired.com or on Twitter at @mrMattSimon.

The Psychedelic Shrimp That’s Half Romance and Half Murder

Shrimp are supposed to be, well, shrimpy. They’re not supposed to pair up Bonnie and Clyde style, dress in silly costumes, and go marauding for starfish to flip over and devour. But the harlequin shrimp doesn’t give a damn about your rules. Check out this week’s episode of Absurd Creatures to learn more!

Find every episode of Absurd Creatureshere. And I’m happy to hear from you with suggestions on what to cover next. If it’s weird and we can find footage of it, it’s fair game. You can get me at matthew_simon@wired.com or on Twitter at @mrMattSimon.

Get to Know the Capybara, the World’s Biggest, Chillest Rodent

What do you get when you mix a hippo and a rabbit? A magical, totally chill creature called the capybara, which happens to be the world’s largest rodent. Oh and it has webbed feet. Why? Check out this week’s episode of Absurd Creatures to find out!

Find every episode of Absurd Creatureshere. And I’m happy to hear from you with suggestions on what to cover next. If it’s weird and we can find footage of it, it’s fair game. You can get me at matthew_simon@wired.com or on Twitter at @mrMattSimon.

The Leafy Seadragon Is the Most Stunning Fish in the Sea. Argument Over

Dragons have got a lot of things going for them: the fire-breathing, the treasure-hoarding, the people-eating. Problem is, they’re not strictly speaking real. But in Australia there swims something far more un-imaginary, and far more stunning. The leafy seadragon is a masterpiece of natural selection, and pretty laid back too. Watch this week’s episode of Absurd Creatures to learn more!

Big up to the California Academy of Sciences for letting us film their dragons.

Find every episode of Absurd Creatureshere. And I’m happy to hear from you with suggestions on what to cover next. If it’s weird and we can find footage of it, it’s fair game. You can get me at matthew_simon@wired.com or on Twitter at @mrMattSimon.

The Kinkajou: Like a Primate, Only With an Identity Problem

In the rainforests of Central and South America roams the kinkajou. It may look like a monkey, with its prehensile tail and predilection for chewing with its mouth open—but don’t be fooled. It’s actually more closely related to the trash panda raccoon, oddly enough. Check out this week’s episode of Absurd Creatures to learn more!

Find every episode of Absurd Creatureshere. And I’m happy to hear from you with suggestions on what to cover next. If it’s weird and we can find footage of it, it’s fair game. You can get me at matthew_simon@wired.com or on Twitter at @mrMattSimon.

The Two-Foot-Wide Starfish That’ll Ruin Your Day

Nature has a lot of ways of saying “no touchy.” Bright colors, big spines, or—in the case of the two-foot-wide crown of thorns starfish—both. These spikes not only pierce flesh, but come loaded with a toxin that will make you say, “Oh, so I wasn’t supposed to touch that then?” Check out this week’s episode of Absurd Creatures to learn more!

Find every episode of Absurd Creatureshere. And I’m happy to hear from you with suggestions on what to cover next. If it’s weird and we can find footage of it, it’s fair game. You can get me at matthew_simon@wired.com or on Twitter at @mrMattSimon.

The Glass Frog Doesn’t Care if You Can See Its Guts

Frogs are supposed to do a lot of things. Jumping around, eating insects, lamenting by way of song. But come on, they’re not supposed to be transparent. The glass frog threw that memo away, apparently. Check out this week’s episode of Absurd Creatures to learn more!

Find every episode of Absurd Creatureshere. And I’m happy to hear from you with suggestions on what to cover next. If it’s weird and we can find footage of it, it’s fair game. You can get me at matthew_simon@wired.com or on Twitter at @mrMattSimon.

The Rhinoceros Beetle Proves That Men Are the Literal Worst

Men. They’re a hassle. I mean, I would know. All the fighting, all the posturing for women. But for the rhinoceros beetle, things are even worse. Males of these species use huge scoops on their heads to joust, launching each other off branches to win the right to mate. Check out this week’s episode of Absurd Creatures to learn more!

Find every episode of Absurd Creatureshere. And I’m happy to hear from you with suggestions on what to cover next. If it’s weird and we can find footage of it, it’s fair game. You can get me at matthew_simon@wired.com or on Twitter at @mrMattSimon.

What Gives With Insects Pretending to Be Sticks and Leaves?

Imagine that you had one outfit and one outfit only: a jumpsuit that made you look like a leaf. You’d blend in nicely in a forest or the plant store, sure, but not so much in a desert. Such is the existence of a surprising number of insects, which look so much like leaves and sticks that it doesn’t seem possible. Oh, but it is, thanks to the wonders of natural selection. Check out this week’s episode of Absurd Creatures to learn more!

Find every episode of Absurd Creatureshere. And I’m happy to hear from you with suggestions on what to cover next. If it’s weird and we can find footage of it, it’s fair game. You can get me at matthew_simon@wired.com or on Twitter at @mrMattSimon.