Posts Tagged ‘professor’

NEW HAVEN, CT – Dr. Guinevere Allen III, a legend in the field of General Studies, is scheduled to present a lecture Friday night on the difficulties of rearing lower-level primates in arid climates. Event organizers warned however the topic is subject to change and that Dr. Allen may be a no-show.

“It’s anyone’s guess as to whether Dr. Allen will be there Friday night,” said Michael Young, a General Studies doctoral candidate at Albertus Magnus College. “But if she does show up, you can bet it’s going to be a wild ride.”

Young told of an occasion last year in which Dr. Allen arrived to a packed lecture hall wearing a red fedora and trenchcoat while riding a Siberian tiger. “She climbed off the tiger’s back and proceeded to grill the class on the numerous Generals of the Franco-Prussian war. Everyone was mightily impressed.”

Colleagues of the professor say her behavior is not a recent development.

“I met Dr. Allen at a cocktail party in the early 80’s,” said Cam Newton, Chair of the General Studies Department. “She wore a bright pink space helmet, cowboy chaps and asked me if I’d seen a quadratic formula lately and that hers went missing. Her humor and mystique charmed many that evening.”

Dr. Allen is involved in General Studies research around the world and many consider her to be a pioneer in the field. Three years ago she published a peer-reviewed article entitled, “Common middle names of the Ming Dynasty,” to rave reviews. In 2010, her article “My Cat is Talking to Me: Cognitive Behavioral Therapy At Home,” appeared in the New England Journal of General Studies and Undeclared Majors.

Friday’s lecture is free to the public. For safety reasons, children under the age of 12 will be barred at the door.

WOODBURG – A community college instructor has confessed to eating the homework of an overachieving student and later blaming it on the student’s family dog.

James Smith, a professor of general studies at Woodburg Community College, has been placed on administrative leave pending an investigation.

“That dirty beast ate my midterm take-home final,” said Zach Dellman, 18, a first year student who claims Mr. Smith consumed a four page essay he wrote on the life and times of Eleanor Roosevelt.

Mr. Dellman claims that Mr. Smith ate his paper to prove a point. “I told him, ‘I’m going to ace this exam,’ and he said, ‘Oh really?'”, Mr. Dellman recalled. When the graded papers came back a week later, Mr. Dellman said he noticed his paper was missing.

When Mr. Dellman confronted his instructor about the missing paper, he was told that Mr. Dellman’s family dog had visited Mr. Smith the previous night and ate it. “I don’t own a dog. This man is not only a human shredder, but also a liar,” Mr. Dellman concluded.

In an email message to the Daily Debacle, Mr. Smith said he agreed with Mr. Dellman’s version of the story and said he was glad he ate the paper. “I hope he learned that it isn’t polite to boast about future events. I am willing to destroy his academic career to make him a better person,” Mr. Smith wrote.