April 26, 2018

hedgie

P.J. got me a Folkmanis hedgie puppet for my birthday. She and my son watched me open it and experienced some minor hearing loss when I squealed in soprano at the sight of it. It is unbearably cute. I put my hand inside the puppet.

P.J.: "You can move its little arms and face. I might have performed quality control before boxing it up for you. You know, just to ensure it was all right and stuff."

Kid: "Here, let me try." *grabs it from me in a rash display of lack of survival instinct* "... I can't find them, either. There aren't any arm holes."

P.J. "I know there are holes for the hands. And nose. I was using them. For quality control. Strictly. There are holes." *grabs the puppet from the kid* "... See?" *wiggles ohmygodsofuckingcutelittle hands and nose around*

Kid: *grabs puppet and inspects it, at which point I'm feeling possessive and want the puppet back* "Oh, there are two holes in the bottom for your hand. One does nothing and one has the arm holes to control it. Hey, cool! Watch this."

Me: "GIVE ME BACK MY HEDGIE!" *kid hands puppet back with fear and respect* "Okay, he's right, it does. Why does he have two holes?"

Kid: "Did you just assume that hedgehog's gender? Obviously female. Two holes."

P.J.: "Oh my god, and you didn't even use lube!"

Kid: "Well ... maybe she likes it rough."

Me: "It's a he! God damn it. He. His name is Peter."

Kid: "Weirdest name for a female hedgehog I've ever heard."

Me: "Shut the fuck up. Anyway, it's like one of those generic Xbox names. LubricatedHedgehog87370."

Kid: "'LubedHedgehog87370 has entered the game.'"

*gut-splitting laughter seizes all three of us*

P.J.: "Um, anybody notice the tag that says 'turn me inside out here' sticking out of the second hole?"

Kid: "Damn, she really does like it rough!"

Me: "He."

P.J.: *grabs puppet again and uses back pouch to turn him inside out, so he holes up protectively into a ball of hedgie fur that is so adorable I can't even stand it*

Kid: "Oh."

Me: "Oh."

P.J.: "Oh."

Me: "I thought you did quality control."

Hedgiebrella.

Peter came to work with me today. I slept with him last night, along with Monkey and Sealy, so there's getting to be quite a brood and at some point we're going to have to get organized.

My dragon-game friends also snuck around and somehow found the umbrella with the sunshine and blue, clouded sky. This was not available anywhere in the known Universe, and I know that because I spent seventy-five hours looking for one so I could use the picture for that blog post instead of a shitty piece of chopped steak, but it just didn't exist. Anywhere. At all. They must have access to a wormhole in space. This leads to the socially awkward situation of wanting to ask them for all kinds of other things that don't actually exist, since they have a wormhole, but then that's kind of rude. I think. Is it rude?