Subscribe to YourTango newsletter

When BDSM Goes Way Wrong

A Tennessee woman is facing charges of reckless homicide after her husband asphyxiated after 20 hours of bondage. The man was gagged, taped, and had his arms and legs restricted. There were breathing holes cut for nostrils. But when Rebecca Bargy returned to her trailer after almost a full day, she found that husband James Bargy had expired. We know nothing more about this case than what ABCNews has reported but we can’t help but speculate as to what happened.

First of all this scenario smacks of being the dude's idea. In our experience, the person getting bound and abandoned is the one that planned the ordeal and gets off on it, we could be wrong. Sexpert, Dan Savage is likely to weigh in on this and his advice is going to be something along the lines of: use some common sense, retards. Have a way of escaping or calling for help if you’re being left alone, a friggin’ baby monitor or something. Sure, people survive 500-foot falls into mine shafts, but we’re fragile, bro. Sure safe words are for squares, but shouldn’t the S&M professor’s hospitalization be a warning to everyone? And he was working with a professional dominatrix.

People are going to be like, "OMFG. How did this happen in Tennessee?" It's not an exact science, but there is a correlation between being able buy crystal meth and the amount of weird sexual stuff going down (some pun intended). So, if you're going to torture your lover or some consenting adult you met at the line-dancing bar, agree to some ground rules and learn the S&M basics. Even if you claim BDSM as part of your 'religion,' do your best not to kill anyone. Aight, Eli Roth?

1. Using Frozen Goods For Hot Foreplay

1. Using Frozen Goods For Hot Foreplay

Yes, it was admittedly super hot when Christian Grey spooned ice cream over Ana Steele’s body (we won’t spoil how he cleaned it up for you), but lets be real: there are a lot of issues with using actual ice cream in bed: It's sticky, certain flavors can be abrasive (we're looking at you, mint chocolate chip), your sheets can get stained, and eating ice cream is basically a race against time because what happens when it melts?!

Try this instead: How about using a good ol’ fashioned ice cube instead? Less mess (and zero calories!) with the same chilly sensation. If you’re not into that, grab a bottle of Trojan Arouses & Intensifies Lubricant for your foreplay fun. You get all the good stuff without the freezing cold, stickiness or risk of diabetic shock.

2. Letting Your Partner Shave You “Down There”

2. Letting Your Partner Shave You “Down There”

Unless your partner is a professional waxer (and if so, we’re jealous), most of us would rather avoid nicks, cuts, potential infections, itchy regrowth, stubble, and painful ingrown hairs. Hide the razors, ladies!

Try this instead: If you’re into trying a new grooming technique “down there” to surprise him, opt for a wax at a professional salon. And if he wants to play the “dominant” role (and control the look of your pubic hair), he can spring for the wax himself. And in exchange, he can get to work extra hard on your pleasure by picking up the Trojan Vibrating Hot Spot Ring, a powerful vibrating ring that touches just the right spot during sex.

3. Using (Gulp) Nipple Clamps

3. Using (Gulp) Nipple Clamps

Let’s be honest: Nipple clamps are terrifying. Period.

Try this instead: Avoid going straight to the heavy hardware, and try pinching with your hands. If it hurts and you hate it, at least you won’t need a screwdriver to undo any damage. Pro tip: Be sure to include a safeword anyway just in case the pinching you enjoy feels like torture to your partner. (And, uh, good safewords for beginners include "no" and "stop.")

4. Corporal Punishment With a Ruler

4. Corporal Punishment With a Ruler

Depending on how soft your particular generation is and where you went to school, you may or may not remember being slapped with a ruler when you disobeyed in the classroom. Let’s just say, rulers are sharp they leave marks on your skin. Plus: OUCH.

Try this instead: If you need extra sensation or want to play the part of a naughty girl, try something with softer edges and fewer disturbing potential memories attached to it: A hand, a ping-pong paddle, anything else.

5. Pool Table Sex

5. Pool Table Sex

Felt isn't the most skin-friendly fabric, especially when it's covered in chalk marks. Also, getting up there when you're short? Not easy. Also, who has a pool table in their home? There’s not a lot of privacy at the local sports bar, we’re guessing, so … nope.

Try this instead: If you're looking for fun with balls and pockets (wink!) surely there's a spot in your apartment that hasn't been christened yet: a coffee table, the floor, or the shower. Switching up locations, even in the privacy of your own home, adds just that right touch of excitement (without the felt burns).

6. Lathering Baby Oil Everywhere

6. Lathering Baby Oil Everywhere

Even though Ana and Christian love them some baby oil, it's actually not the best personal lubricant if you're trying to prevent pregnancy and STDs: Oil can degrade latex, which makes it a bad choice to use with condoms. Spoiler alert: Perhaps that explains the Grey baby? Just sayin’.

Try this instead: Use an actual lubricant, like Trojan Tonight, which features two products in one - the “Pre-Game” lube can be used for the sensual massaging to get you revved up for the big act, while the “Game Time” lube can make sex comfortable (and safe) for everyone involved.

7. Sex In A Public Parking Lot

7. Sex In A Public Parking Lot

After a frantic car chase, Christian and Ana have sex in a parking lot. Newsflash: Many parking facilities have surveillance cameras, which means you could potentially provide free porn to a rent-a-cop somewhere or (yikes!) wind up on YouTube. Additionally, actual cops can arrest you for things like trespassing or public nudity.

Try this instead: If you want to get naked with your partner, and feel like you're risking your squeaky-clean criminal record, purchase a pair of handcuffs and go to town in private.

Yes, it was admittedly super hot when Christian Grey spooned ice cream over Ana Steele’s body (we won’t spoil how he cleaned it up for you), but lets be real: there are a lot of issues with using actual ice cream in bed: It's sticky, certain flavors can be abrasive (we're looking at you, mint chocolate chip), your sheets can get stained, and eating ice cream is basically a race against time because what happens when it melts?!

Try this instead: How about using a good ol’ fashioned ice cube instead? Less mess (and zero calories!) with the same chilly sensation. If you’re not into that, grab a bottle of Trojan Arouses & Intensifies Lubricant for your foreplay fun. You get all the good stuff without the freezing cold, stickiness or risk of diabetic shock.