The Best Things About The Olympics Had Nothing To Do With Sports

It’s cold. It’s dark. We gave up on our New Years resolutions long ago and we still haven’t paid off our holiday credit card bills. And spring is still so far away.

Fortunately, once every four years, for two weeks in the doldrums of winter, we get a brief shot of hope and excitement as the world comes together to watch the best of the best compete for Olympic glory. We spend far too much time watching other people be fit and athletic while we stress eat snacks on our couch. We have become experts in events we never even knew existed before the games started (who knew mixed doubles curling was a thing?). But we don’t care. The Olympics have given us some fantastic moments in athletics. But, let’s be honest, our favourite moments of the 2018 games had very little to do with sports at all.

Tonga Flag Bearer

His name is Pita Taufatofua. His sport is cross county skiing. His country is the tiny tropical nation of Tonga.

While athletes from much colder countries skipped the opening ceremonies because it was “too cold” (it’s the winter Olympics, duh), the flag bearer from Tonga brought the heat by wearing nothing but a grass skirt and sandals to the opening ceremonies. The oil he slathered on his ripply muscles must make him impervious to the cold.

Pink Tutus and Penis Pouches

Did you know that there was a world famous streaker? Neither did I (so probably not that famous) until he made an appearance at the speed skating event. Dressed in a pink tutu and a monkey penis pouch, he brought a message of peace and love to the world. You keep doing you, streaker man.

The Ice Dancing Lovers That Aren’t and No One Believes Them

The Canadian ice dancing pair of Tessa Virtue and Scott Moir became the talk of the Olympics. Sure, their performance was gold medal worthy, but it was their chemistry that got Twitter all hot and bothered.

Going through a Virtue/Moir withdraw post Olympics? They even appeared in a reality TV show before competing in the Olympics in 2014. Episodes can be found on YouTube. You’re welcome.

I asked some other members of Team Normal to share their favorite Olympic moments as well.

Amy- Biathletes and Their Gun (Control)

The biathalon is the most “wut” sport of the Winter Games. I assume the origin is “man used to run around on sticks, looking to kill food.” I do love the dichotomy of the whole event. SKI HARD…now chill yourself and shoot these five targets…now SKI FAST AGAIN.

It wasn’t lost on me that I was yelling at the men and women to SHOOT THAT THING following the horrible events of February 14th at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School in Parkland, Florida that left 17 children and adults dead. But I was very heartened to see American biatheletes—folks who know guns—stand up for gun control.

Lowell Bailey is one of the best marksmen in America. The North Carolina native is so proficient with a gun that he has made a living off it. He is an Olympian biathlete. So his opinion on the roiling gun debate in his country is worth hearing.

On Tuesday night, after he had finished competing, he gave it.

“We’re a sport that uses a .22-caliber rifle,” Bailey said. “A .22-caliber rifle that shoots a single round is a much different thing than an AR-15. In my opinion, there’s just no reason for assault rifles to be in the hands of ordinary citizens.”

Katy – One is the loneliest luge

The mind boggles at the origins of a sport in which 2 men lie on top of each other, and hurtle down a track at 90 mph. As near as I can figure, this sport can be tracked back to an Austrian bear hunt that went catastrophically wrong, causing hunters Ludwig and Franz to jump onto the last remaining, comically too-small sled together, and hightail it down the mountain Shaggy and Scooby style with the aforementioned bear in hot pursuit. Or perhaps it’s a result of a brainstorm spearheaded by the International Olympic Committee’s Office of Get Out of Here with That Nonsense:

Men’s Steeplechase: Get a load of this: we do the horse course, and jump over obstacles, frolicking in water and mud, but we are not on horses: WE ARE JUST PRETENDING. It’s going to be the weirdest thing on the Olympics!

Men’s Doubles Luge: Hold my beer

Just 2 normal dudes, normally lying down on top of each other in a normal way

But then I came across this quote from U.S. doubles luger Brian Martin:

I like working with somebody. . . [w]hen you win, you get to celebrate with somebody.”

Awwwww! All these lugers want is someone to friend with! So sweet!

And it hit me: doubles luge is actually the ice dancing of the “zoom zoom death sled” world. Think about it: the lugers have to move their bodies together in tandem, executing precision moves communicated through body language, caressing sensual curves and mastering slippery chutes, just like ice dancers, except they do it all while lying down on top of each other. Eat your hearts out Virtue and Moir!

Honestly, with so many feels in the air, why stop at doubles? Why not 3 man luge? Four man luge? Hell, how about a sport where the country who can get the most stacked lugers over the finish line wins? Bonus points if their dog team captain rides on top!

Go Team Cocopuff!

I smell a ratings juggernaut! Your move, IOC.

What where your favourite moments from the Olympics?

About Patricia

Current Obsessions: Superheroes of the Marvel variety. Vikings. Mead. Bearded men (see also Vikings). The beach. Watching too much tv. Spending time pinning things that she will never have time to do. Because she is too busy Tweeting.