Archive for the ‘douchbags’ Category

I started reading my Best American Essays 2008 last night and fell asleep a couple pages into an essay by a guy named Rick Cohen about how he grew a Hitler Moustache, otherwise known as a Toothbrush Moustache. He likens it, as a Jew, to Richard Pryor using the word “nigger.” And he also talked about how Hitler singlehandedly wiped out the name Adolf for, like, the rest of time.

I hope Rick Cohen saw this article this morning…

S: Also: “JoyceLynn Aryan Nation Campbell”????

What the fuck is wrong with these people?

K: I think there are still Adolphs in Germany.

S: Yeah, but definitly not as many. Cohen named a bunch of prominent, good Adolphs in history, too. And then he was like, “Sucks these guys are tainted forever,” but in more eloquent, anthology-worthy language.

So last night on the MTV Video Music Awards (which are, like, barely an award show, and that will get a whole other post, and it makes me feel really, really old because I remember when the VMA’s were both good and relatively important), some British comedian who no one ever heard of, but who was actually kinda funny if you have a couple brain cells to rub together (something the MTV crowd lacks, a lot), named Russell Brand implored the US to vote for Barack Obama (yay!) and said he didn’t take those idiotic purity rings that people like Miley Cyrus (who, btw — totes not a virgin, you can tell) and the Jonas Brothers wear serious because they don’t wear them around their cocks. Which, point to Brand.

But apparently that pissed off those purity ring-wearing pansies (quelle surprise!), and later in the show (which I had on mute while I did other things, so I didn’t know it until this morning — look, they said Britney was opening the show and last year when that happened with was a Fail of totally Epic proportions, so I watched ok?) Jordin Sparks (AKA that girl from American Idol) came on stage and said this:

“I just have one thing to say about promise rings. It’s not bad to wear a promise ring because not everybody – guy or girl – wants to be a slut.”

And I have one thing to say about girls saying that girls who DON’T wear promise rings are sluts: FUCK YOU. I’ve never heard such a rude, girl-hating statement. I am not a slut. Do I have sex? Yes, I most certainly do. I love sex. But having sex is not the same as being a slut, and sleeping with boyfriends and the men I love is different than getting drunk and fucking the first thing I can find with a hard-on.

So go fuck yourself, Jordin. Eventually you too will have sex and you’ll realize that 1. Having sex before marriage does not make you a slut, and 2. You’ve been missing out for A LOT of years.

So I go over to the Onion AV Club TV Club section this morning because I do it all the time, especially now that they’re recapping/reviewing old episodes of Buffy and X-Files (I have a TV recap addiction which started back in the late 90s when I discovered Mighty Big TV, now known as Television Without Pity), and I see the above picture under their Weeds recap, and the first thing I think is:

Oh my god, A REAL TELEVISION SHOW HIRED HEIDI MONTAG! The world is ending!

Then I realize it’s not her, and am relieved. But thanks, Showtime, I needed an outrage-induced heart attack at 9:38 a.m.

So now-a-days everyone gets to claim to be a fashion designer as long as they take a Sharpee and draw on a t-shirt. And, frankly, I don’t really know who this blonde chick whose “label” this is (let’s not talk about the unfortunate fate of ANTM winners CariDee and Jaslene being pulled into this, ok? Their fate is sad enough already), except that she has big fake titties and was on some reality show to make a girl group which featured one girl who was like a miniature, brunette Christina Aguilera (from voice to face, I swearz it), but I have a question for her:

Can you really call yourself a fashion designer if all you do is make incredibly ugly things for people to put in/wrap around their hair?

I think we’re missing something here, an opportunity to help a lot of sick people. You know how there are psychological conditions that cause people to see things in the mirror that just aren’t there. Anorexics can sometimes literally see a fat person, etc etc. Hell, I’ve even heard of a condition (I don’t recall the name right now) where people see animals in their reflection, wolves and horses, and believe they are, on some deeper level, these creatures.