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How to Know If You Are Crazy

7Nov

1. Is Your Mother Crazy?

Do you regularly think, “What is wrong with this bitch?”, when you hang out with your mother? Is she the most neurotic, controlling human being that you know? Well, congratulations. Her emotional instability has led you to become a lifetime resident in crazy town. You have unintentionally learned how to fly off the handle from the one person who should be the closest example of normal adulthood in your life. And, this type of crazy spills over into all parts of your life. Romantic relationships, friendships, and work relationships all suffer from your inability to keep it together emotionally. If your mother is crazy, chances are you are crazy too.

2. Are You Always Ready to Throw Down?

People argue. Occasionally, those arguments lead to physical altercations. No one would fault you for getting into a fight with some knucklehead after having a few too many shots at the local bar, because sometimes tempers flare when alcohol is involved. However, if you get into a scuffle with somebody every weekend, then maybe you have a problem. Do you argue loudly and often with your current boyfriend in public about problems that should probably discussed in private? Have ever gotten into a fist fight with your boyfriend/girlfriend in public? Yes? Then, you are crazy.

3. Is Everyone You Date Crazy?

You always seem to attract stalkers. You chalked it up to having spectacular sex skills or a great personality. You are a great catch, but you end up dating the kleptomaniac or the panty sniffer or the guy who has been in jail 12 times. Well, unfortunately for you, if you keep finding crazy people, then you may be giving off crazy vibes. People like what is familiar to them. Crazy attracts crazy.

4. What Time Do You Come Home?

Excluding graveyard shifters who are usually fairly responsible people, the people who regularly get home after 2 a.m. are insane. There are only a few activities available to you for entertainment in the early hours of the morning. Libraries are not open until 2 in the morning. Neither are churches. The only viable options for entertainment late at night are binge drinking, soliciting and using illegal drugs, or soliciting and having sex with strangers. And while those are extremely engaging offers, none of them are particularly healthy decisions. It takes a special type of person to drink every night until incoherent, wake up hung over and depressed, and then do it all over again the next day. The only things that stay open that late are bars and legs, so if you regularly keep those hours, you should start a new career as a bartender, drug dealer, or a professional whore.

5. Are You A Stripper/Cam Girl?

Any woman who decides to take her clothes off for money is probably missing a few screws. Ladies, you should not take this statement as a judgment against all the women who strip, dance, or rub balloons against their genitalia for cash. This statement is the simple expression of a few quaint observations. Women who strip can be upstanding citizens who better their communities through civil service and personal sacrifice. That is completely possible. But, usually, they turn out to just be psychotic sex workers who turn the world upside-down with their vaginas. You might offer your man a threesome with a coworker one night or stab him in the chest with a paper clip the next night. Neither of those incidents are things that normal people do regularly, though one is probably preferred. If you make money by showing your boobs to strangers, then you are probably crazy.

6. How Many Friends Do You Have?

Friends are people that you can count on when you need them. Friends have your best interest at heart all the time. They are only concerned with your well-being. Guys who want to sleep with you are not your friends. Neither are women who are envious and tear you down with negativity. If you look at this list and can not find an example of one person who genuinely cares about you doing well, then you are probably crazy. The people whom you are screwing do not count here, unless they are your long-term boyfriend/girlfriend or your spouse, because the person with whom you are having sex is morally obligated to come to your rescue occasionally.

7. Can You Apologize?

Can you make a sincere apology when you make a mistake? Does it burn a small piece of your soul to say “I’m sorry”? People who never apologize are closet sociopaths. They are so self-absorbed that they do not worry about the welfare and feelings of others. An inability to apologize is an indicator of mental instability. If you can not admit guilt and show remorse when you hurt someone, then you are crazy.

8. Do You Know Why You Do What You Do?

When you are arguing, do you sometimes step back in the moment and think, “Why am I doing this?”, but you do it anyway? Right before you call your boyfriend four letter words that you would be embarrassed to hear your parents say, do you think, “I can’t believe I’m picking this fight.” Have you ever slashed someone’s tires, thrown a brick through a window, or keyed someone’s car? Well, if you have exhibited any of these behaviors, then you are nuts. Congrats.

This list is not the definitive list of crazy behaviors. It is simply a starter kit for recognizing your mental problems. Chances are, if you are genuinely reading this list to find out if you are crazy, then you already know the answer.