Living your dreams, after Tom Cruise, currently starring in a film about a plot to kill Adolf Hitler, told reporters that when he was growing up in the 1970s, “I always wanted to kill Hitler.”

Driving a clunker, after a British man beat a ticket for speeding 98 mph by proving that his 1995 Honda Civic had a top speed of 85.

Realistic special effects, after a security guard at a movie theater showing My Bloody Valentine 3D got into a fight with a patron and stabbed him in the stomach.

Bad week for:

Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell, after West Point cadets began voting on an award for “the movie character that best exemplifies West Point leadership.” Nominees selected by the cadets included James Bond, Indiana Jones, and the late San Francisco gay activist Harvey Milk.

Shell games, after a New York man attempted to exchange a “bad” lobster at his local supermarket. The grocers refused when they discovered that the man had in fact eaten the lobster and reassembled the shell to make it look whole.

Tian Tian, a male panda at the National Zoo in Washington, who tried to mate with the ovulating female, Mei Xiang, but couldn’t get the hang of it. Zookeepers said they had to artificially inseminate Mei Xiang “because competent mating did not occur.”