Tag Archives: the broken kinks

You heard of the exgay movement? About the ex-sm movement? Take a look at this, but be warned, it is very painful.

This is slightly different than you might see in general from an ex-gay movement. This is a man who by his own choice wishes to stop being a pro-dom. It is a story of a man who has been abused from the early start of his life, from bullying to living with his father who, according to him, had ‘deviant desires’, using dogs as sexual instruments on women, involving his son in pornographic movies, the son became a ‘lap dog’. The dad took his own life, and the rest of this man’s story is one of abuse (rape, abuse from people he trusted, violence, etc). As the documentary goes on, it becomes clear for me as a viewer that this is exploitative documentary.

At one point Rick says, after some type of fisting session that involves removing feces from the bottom of the submissive, ‘This is all a part of the human cycle, don’t judge me’.
And I kinda don’t want to judge him. His past life catch up with him, and the grim reality of lonelyness is a harsh one. The harshest. And Rick is honest. The documentary is called ‘Me and my slaves’ but it should be called ‘Me and my pain’. It is hard to watch a human being in pain.
This is him, trying to perform his own absolution saving himself.The christian concept of absolution,attracts to those who are in so much pain, to thosewho cannot see any way out of a life they consider as doomed.

“I’ve lost myself…I’ve given it up, there is nothing there that I can do.”
Rick

And for that, I will not go through the whole documentary here with you. There is so much to say about this man. But I’m already exploiting him enough.

In the movie Bruno, with Sasha Baron Cohen as the austrian fashionista/reporter/celebrity, there is a specific favorite part of mine He reaches a decision to become straight, because all of the other male celebrities in the U.S are straight. So he finds someone who can make him straight. This is in no way on the same levels of Rick, in terms of despair, but it still says a lot about those people who seek out or get forced in to the ex-gay movement. The despair felt, because ones sexual and emotional level is not on the same as the normative society’s. A society that can punish you, shun you, kill you, ignore your very existence. What then does that mean, this whole regiment of becoming straight? By being around men and being socialised into becoming a straight man, not thinking about men in a sexual sense, the gay or bisexual man is supposed to become liberated from what is seen as a troublesome practice and instead find a woman to marry.Being gay according to the ex-gay movement is something that you choose to do, it’s a choice in terms of sexual practice, and this practice is wrong. The impure thoughts of a broken individual that is becoming healed through therapy. For this movement, they do seem to have very little appreciation of any possible emotional links to a person of the same sex, and if there is, they are taught and can be re-wired.
So here we are then. Bruno is going to be rewired. Or is he?

Can we apply the same concept to BDSMers? That we ‘are’ sadomasochists, that our bodies inhabit the lust as a essence and there is nothing more? What would that stance actually mean in terms of fighting for BDSM-rights, or queer rights? These are important questions. Is BDSM something that we are or something that we do? I can’t answer that for you, but this is where I am coming from.
My personal stance is that I am a queer person. With certain tastes of sexual practices. I can’t define my self as a submissive or as a bottom. Those are not a direct, linked part to my identity. It’s something I do. But also, by doing, I can reclaim it, bit by bit, becoming more, going further in to myself and getting to know parts of me. Parts that are not constant, but ever so changing. Parts that I maybe have not been able to reach.

I think I might be looking for something. I don’t know really what, and if there is ever a final point in which I can rest, or if I even want there to be one, but in the meantime, I can rest in those discoveries I’ve done about myself today, in this minute. It is not about being essential. It is about exploration and appropriation of feelings, practices and structures.

Here is a clip of one of the ways in which Bruno is supposed to become straight.

I know, I know, the mockery of the military is brilliant on so many levels but there is one more reason why I’m posting this. Because the ex-gay movement exist and it needs to be meet and challenged for what it is.

I don’t want to pass judgement on those who seek council in the hands on the ex-gay movement. We live in a world that is homophobic, sexist, racist, misogynist, etc, and it can be so fucking lonely. What I will pass judgement on is those who exploit the fears that they themselves manage to maintain.
They are, in short:

I find myself constantly mixing up my roles and getting even more confused. So please, pretty pretty readers, tell me how you do to separate that subby little person inside of you with the one who is supposed to have a normal functioning relationship.
I know that if it wasn’t for the fact that I’m intelligent (enough intelligent, at least) and can see through myself (a bit) I’d end up in an abusive relationship where I’d just succumb to this deep desire to just you know, be punished for being me. Since according to me, I’m always wrong. And probably needs to be punished. Possibly killed.

To be sexually submissive (switchy, really, but mostly submissive) and combine that with a mind that constantly tells me that I’m horrible, is not the best of ideas.

I really just want to tell the hugfriend “Take away my rights, control everything, and please hurt me a lot.”. I’m not doing that though, because I’m not a teenager and I do understand that I’d only get even more fucked up in the process. Please note that I’m not a painslut, so I would more suffer than enjoy myself anyhow most of the time.

Can anyone else reckognize themselves in this? I’m aiming for the overkill while writing this, but you know, the general feeling.

I mean, how normal is it to oh-gazm while thinking of your hugfriend drowning you, because you accidentically woke him up by calling to early. (The calling did happen in real life, and popped up in my mind while working my way towards the Oh.)

I know normal might not be a concept we really aim for here, but I’d say even a very liberal therapist would think that’s over the line.

So how do you do it people? How do you keep yourself sane and functional, without turning into a complete doormat, when the option is within reach?

(Ok, hugfriend would never let me go doormat on him, but if I’d lowered my standards far enough, I’m sure there’s plenty of middle aged men with redeveloped babyfat that would just love to assist me on my road to doom.)

Having a partner that just recently opened up to the world of lovely kinky sex opens up a world of trouble. Mostly wonderful, exiting and interesting trouble, but also some trouble I’d rather live without. For example the trouble I wrote about in the last post, but that wasn’t what I had in mind just now.

The trouble that I’m thinking of is the Problem With The Colliding Kinks. It’s nice to discover that he likes to hit me and fcuk me until I cry of happiness and pain. It’s nice to discover (for him) that I, while close to orgasm beg for him to hit me. It’s nice all the ways to rainbows and happy bunnies bouncing all over the place to find our mutual fascination for fantasizing about old school harem girls and boys, tied up in some tent in the desert, waiting for their owner to use them. It’s nice even more to notice we both like when he smears my body in his cum and makes me lick his fingers and then kisses me (oh god, how hot it is with a man who likes the taste of his own sperm on me. Oh god oh god oh god).

Then suddenly he says something like “I’d like to fuck you from behind while you are eating chocolate cake. I want you to stuff your face with it while I fuck you until you come”. And I’m all weirded out. Yeah, sure, that could probably be nice, but eating and fucking at the same time? That seems messy and complicated. I would be all for drenching my body in something like youghurt and then fucking me, because it’s soft and milky and probably feels nice to the skin.. But eating? Concentrating on swallowing, the taste, stuff like that? I’ll probably try it, but I feel a bit estranged by the idea.

And the problem is very clear here, for any one doing kink. You have to respect eachothers kinks, weither it be that he wants you to take a shit and make him eat it, or she wants to be dressed like a whore and you prefer her to be naked. You can’t just go “Uh, that’s horrible, I hate the idea of you licking vomit from my face”, no, no.. it’s not like in vanilla land, where everything is bad, no, here nothingcan be bad. It’s just different. Suddenly you end up with a whole range of variations on the lines of “yeah, that’s interesting baby, but it doesn’t do it for me”. Why? Why can’t you just be a hardliner on your dealbreakers and say no fucking way and get it over with? Because it might have taken ten years for this person to get to the point where they dare to trust any one enough to tell about this.

I know I felt really bad when my half fetish for pearls and necklaces got a bad reception when I told my last kinkfriend about it. I felt like a complete idiot. And that’s not even a very strange or dirty secret.

So, I guess, as Marie Antoinette (or whoever it was) would say: Let me have cake.

Apparently, there is even shaky things going on in the pr0nbuisness. If I hear one more person saying the words ‘credit’ and ‘crunch’ in the same sentence I will probably tie a noose and give it to that person. But apparently, even the buisness of picturing people making whopiee is feeling it and trying to find ‘new’ ways of continue being able to sell. Violet Blue (she is awesome and will have her link in the list ASAP) writes about the question of ‘interracial’ pr0n and the ‘humour’ and ‘tongue in cheek’ of the mainstream pr0n companies that is not supposed to be racism at all. Or is it? Where is the titles like ‘Oh, no she is fucking a white, ugly middleclass, fat idiot with nothing behind his skull‘ . But then again, pr0n is big buisness, that title would not sell and buisness must go on, giving people what they want. Yeah right. Adult Video News (AVN) claims that interracial pr0 is the recessionproof category in adult video industry, but Violet Blue is examining that statement in this brilliant column in San Fransisco Chronicle pointing towards standards and racism in the industry of pr0n.

We all know about roleplay and taboos being broken but Blue hit the nail on the head when she says:

“On closer inspection, there’s something more than a little disingenuous about AVN’s sense of humor. We all know that porn is built to part you with your hard-earned cash and proffer fantasies; sometimes certain kinds of fantasy or roleplaying can be sexy: taboos, whether actual or perceived, are always hot, right? The positive ability of porn is that is can show partnering that is charged because it crosses racial boundaries; I believe that damage is not done by the FACT of crossing those taboos, but in the WAY those taboos are crossed.”

AVN responded with what can only be describes as a unfounded, personal attack on Blue, rather than thinking about what the implications of her text and questions actually mean.
To read the whole story, click here.

This is so fucking important to talk about with the mainstream pr0nindustry that exists today. And it stinks of racism, orientalism, sexism and plain stupidity. Cause there is so much more to it. This blatant commersialised shit does not get me turned on, but someone else might. I don’t like pr0on to be honest. I am tired of going through hords of shit to find 3 minutes of hotness. Cause the stereotypes are nothing more.Madison Young who is interviewed for the column puts it perfectly by saying:

“The LA porn world has gotten to the point where the majority of the material that they are producing is something that I would call ‘fast food porn.’ It’s junk food. Offensive and artery-clogging porn.”

I like organic things, I like food where I can taste something and recognise it as an actual taste. But must confess that I occasionally have a burger or two. D00m on me. How about you?
//

Okay. I admit it. It is blogging-desert in Ves world. When I finally can, there is absolutley nothing to talk about. At all.
Or not.

I am in a ‘crisis’. No. Not economic crisis, there is no Lehman that is crashing down upon me. It is a rather personal and strange
experience, that has to do with ‘WHO THE FUCK AM I AND HOW AM I GOING TO CONTINUE TO BE ME?’. I have been topping people since…
not so long time. Since april I would say, and it is great fun. I like topping, I like the rush, the concentration, the sweat, the power, the smell, the sound,
the pushing of boundries. You name it. But I thought I knew there was a dominant there as well. I think that I am in the middle of ‘something’, a bit like a
writers’ block, in which the ideas in the head are not ready to be written yet. Computer processing…

Why is this a problem then? Well. I’ve come to the stage in which I enjoy topping but I want more. And I’m not talking about the ones I’m playing with,
I am considering my own limitations. It is like they are making me to unaware. I have not felt really dominant since…October or November? I have not felt like myself in a long time
and I don’t think I am going to rush anything. It is just…a ache and a missing that I feel, an ache to be in that specific headspace.

The last couple of weeks has been quite full of commitments that not so much taken all the time, rather than the energy plus health issues that makes play not always being first on the agenda.
I not only long to use and to hurt, to be obeyed, but I long for to be used and to be hurt. That orgasmdenial the other week was fun, and the bondage felt so good in a weird way. My cunt was getting wetter by the minute, and the rope was burning in my neck.
Wanting it all… Do you know the feeling? To do more, be more, for a longer time. I think that is what I craved and still crave, long sessions that spin my mind because they provide different sensations.

On a complete other subject. I love safe sex practices. And I love youtube. So when Durex provides awesome commercials. I must provide the links so you can watch.

This one goes out to the danish guy who threatened me to show the blog to people if I don’t write something. Yes yes, I know him in real life. You know, the world out there.

Much have happened since I actually wrote something here, and that is off course also the reason that I haven’t written for a while. First thing that happened is that I have now officially decided to flee the BDSM-scene. Why? Because there are just too many arrogant wankers around. I can’t stand it anymore. I admit it: I’d rather have half assed vanilla sex with someone who asks if it hurts when I moan, then I ever have sex with any of the men I’ve talked to inside the bdsm-scene. (99.8% because of said wankyness, and 0.2% because we are friends and it would feel weird. This paranteses is a disclaimer)

There is off course nothing wrong about being an utter disgrace for the human race and act like a complete fucktard. Not at all. There is plenty of other people who are fucktards too, but please hang out with your own crowd? Know your limits.

I’m stupid enough to think that if someone is hitting on me, they think they actually have a chanse and they have based this assumtion on some sort of understandings of social structures, human to human interaction and so on. So I generally give people a chanse. Big mistake in the bdsm-world. I mean, yes I have been approached by people who is way under my level when it comes to looks, but I assumed that if you were ugly and approached someone who looked better then you it was because you knew you had a winning personality. But it doesn’t work like that in cat’o’nine-world, nooo. Here people approach you solemnly based on sucidial desperation. I can see it in their minds: “OOh, lookit female, she wants to trample me/drink my urine/be whipped till she cries, I can see it on her, I mean she IS in the same room/city/continent as me, and we all know what that means *gner gner*”.

The best ones are the dominant males who sends you e-mails telling you that something in your presentation isn’t grammatically correct. And then getting angry with you because you answer back at them. Yes, it happened the other day and it was the last drop. Theres idiots in vanilla land too, but they are so much more easily avoided.

My latest project now has been to sleep with a guy from the caribs (west india), his idea of gender roles are so old school that to me, it’s almost D/s role play. I think that this might be the lovely middle rode for me. Sleep with strange people instead of BDSM, and I still get my dose of sexual weirdness.

Oh yes, the trylesbianism. It didn’t work, at all. I’m sorry to say it, but I can’t have a relationship with someone who dislikes heterosexuals. Or thinks bisexuals have it easy. I am officially fail at hanging out with lesbians. Or at least that type of lesbian. This isn’t the first time I hear this either. And it bugs me.
Just because you are an oppressed minority, that doesn’t give you the right to oppresse another minority now does it.
So I gave up, and went on to converting one of Ves friends from straight to bi instead. That was fun. I think it works better for me to just have relationships or such with other bisexuals.

So, not that much ranting, just a normal little blog-thingie. But at least, we are back:D.

I’m sorry. I’ll say it now in the beginning of the post so you know it. I’m terribly sorry. I have the most horrendous autumn depression, and have been battling demons for a couple of weeks. Hopefully the worst is now over. So, tada. I’m back.

So that you don’t loose confidence in me completely I’m gonna make a very short explanation about the depression. I’m sensitive to hormonal changes. Many people are. I had a great childhood, wasn’t even bullied that bad, everything has been abfab the whole time, but I still get depressed. And I get panic attacks, and I fall apart. I try (oh god I do try) to not do it in public, so then I have to lock myself in for a couple of weeks. So, don’t feel sorry for me and please do not start thinking I’m one of the sexually-abused-selfdestructive-now-gone-bdsm girls. Selfdestructive possibly. But no, no horrible abuse, nothing. Just sensitive. Thanks a bunch. Lets get on with this then bois and girlies.

The Ugly

Everytime I surf kink-communities it breaks my heart. Is this the people that will, for the rest of my life, try to sex me up? Am I stuck with these wallmart/jysk/coop/equivalent supermarket with clothes/furniture/food for people without taste/tastebuds-type of people? Is this it? Goddamnit! And when I think those thoughts, my sexuality dies a bit.

I’m shallow. I’m extremely horrible, bad and shallow. Why? Because I actually want to be turned on by the looks of the person who is shagging me. I feel it is degrading when some ugly* horrible flabby man/woman stands there with bad teeth and halitosis and ties me up and you know, fucks me.

It could definitely be a kink, this whole shagging-the-uglies. But I prefer to give power to some one who deserves it, both intellectually and physically. Else, it’s even more a play, it becomes horrible obvious that I’m all pretend. I don’t want that. I don’t want to feel disgust.

Yes, disgust. That is what I feel. I’m sorry, again, but I feel disgusted by these no-taste-no-brain people, especially when they start talking about SSC and alike. I feel so detached when someone I wouldn’t touch even if i got paid a million for it starts talking about safety precautions. In my world they wouldn’t ever need any safety precautions because they would never have any use for them.
Or, lets rephrase that. I don’t like when they start talking to me about sex and assume that the safety discussion is necessary come miracle and we would have sex. Read my lips: It wont happen. It seems like kink has become the safecard to pull for the uglies to get laid with the goodies. Instead of, for example, learn how to dress and talk, think, walk, behave and so on. “I look like crap and I haven’t bought new jeans (or my god, leather trousers) since 1995, but hey, I’m really good at shibari”. Look at my face: Does it in any way indicate sexual interest? Hey, you can even feel my panties if you want to. It doesn’t get drier. Welcome to desert land.

Or why not, here is a favourite, ugly people telling me they demand this and this and that of me. “You are a submissive, and to earn my domination you have to be willing to submit like this and this”. Thats interesting, now please go away. It’s annoying when anyone does that, but it’s even more annoying when it’s a damn ugly nobody who does it. Somewhere in the evil depths of my mind lurks the sentence “shut up, you should be grateful I’m even reading this”.

I need to respect the person I have sex with. I need to know that when we finished shagging, slapping and tying eachother to the bed, I’m gonna be able to have an interesting conversation with this person. I need to know that if I crash this person will pick me up, not pat me on the shoulder and go: Oh, SSC.
Yes, I’m playing connect the dots here. Ugly, tasteless person with no sence of social skills (because, if they had, they wouldn’t dress so damn bad) is not someone I think would suddenly turn into a person that actually knows how to pick me up. Yes, yes, please do bash me. Thats ok, this’s a rant after all.

Look at it this way: Someone who has a completely different lifestyle then you, do you think that person is fit to be your playpartner? Stop being politically correct: Do you seriously think that someone who is so far away from you as can be, would be able to understand you? No. Well, I work with design and spend my days discussing social structures. I write and I photograph. Do you seriously think that a person who spend their time working with trends would be able to get something out of someone who is blind when it comes to the same area?

Oh well. I guess I’ll have to go back to the vanilla pond.

*Ugly here means “with nothing interesting, not looks, not personality, nothing”. Ugly = not in any way attractive. Don’t pretend you are jesus, you have seen people like that too. Admit it, you don’t want to sleep with them.