or… Tales of a 30 year old Nothing.

Quityerbellyachin’

Things have been quiet. Not too quiet. Just quiet enough so as not to make me cry a bunch and then come write it down in a funny way.

My mother-in-law came to town and that was a blast. Luckily, the two weeks she showed up were two of the best weeks of my chemo-life. We got to mainly chill-bill and relax. While we were in the hospital getting juiced my wife took her mom over to the horse races – they’re across the street from the hospital.

I told them to bet twenty-five dollars on the horse with the silliest name. They put it all on Quityerbellyachin’ and then he blew it and now I have cancer and no cash. Stupid horse.

While they were there they had hotdogs just to “fulfill the experience of the track”. My wife doesn’t eat hotdogs so she had to try to keep the “experience” as well as her gag reflex down.

About a week after my mother-in-law left, my dad and sister showed up for a SURPISE VISIT!!! I was just standing (topless) in my dining room when I saw two familiar figures burst past my window and then the bing-bong of my doorbell. It was a great surprise and we had some fun. Fer sher I wasn’t up to the par of the week before. Here’s where some of the juicy stuff starts – the stuff all you little sickos keep coming back for.

I got weak. Real weak. Tired. Then my skin turned yellow like I was coming down with friggin’ jaundice. My wife tried to hospitalize me but I hate that place so I fought it and said I just needed to drink some moo juice.

Then my dad felt he had to pipe in and let me know that we WERE going to the hospital and NEED HE REMIND ME that he outweighed me by AT LEAST 100 pounds.

I told him if he tried anything funny he’d get to see how much energy I really had left in me. Needless to say (totally needless) we DID NOT go to the hospital that day – Saturday.

The next day we were all walking into church. I was feeling much better – well, a little better and hey, don’t you just sit at church? I was doin’ that at home! So we go into church and suddenly I’m needing something – a chair, a pole, a wall, a shoulder, a floor, something. My world goes into tunnel vision and the noise gets all far away. All I can hear is my wife saying my name over and over again.

I wake up and I’m on the floor of my church lobby. People are trying to give me water, get me to sit down, am I okay? I’d fainted like a darned fool right in front of everyone!!! And now I was just sitting there crumpled up like a dumb little ball. AHHHH!

They got me situated at the back of the church and we went to the hospital the next day.

They took my blood. Everything was low. White count. Red count. Hemoglobin. They said I’d totally crashed and everyone (including the old seasoned nurses and my wife and family) acted really grossed out by my white tongue.

Personally, I think my tongue seemed whiter just because my skin looked more yellow than usual, which I PARTIALLY blame on all the fluorescent lighting around.

At the hospital, while I was getting my blood drawn, I was telling another patient about my fainting experience at church – she’s this big, black southern woman and she goes, “They musta thought you had a genuine religious experience, hahahaha”.

They gave me a blood transfusion – I got it from someone in Pamona – and now I feel great.

Okay, two more things real quick and then we’ll get the fart outta here. First off, we found this painting that looks like my dad:

Thirdly, here’s just another random cute photo I found of my dog and me before this all started. Awwww….

Alright. That’s it. I’m gonna finish eating my grilled cheese and tomato soup and then go watch Tremors with my mom and wife. Hope everyone out yonder is doing splenda and hopefully I continue on. FINAL ROUND OF CHEMO IN ABOUT TWO WEEKS!!!