Pictures in my mind

Recently a picture that was posted in my Dad Blogger group on facebook triggered a memory from when David was very little. We didn’t know that he would eventually become our son. I was holding David, he had fallen asleep. Before I knew it, I was sleeping. I woke when he fussed. It is a precious memory for me, one that I cherish.

It reminds me of how simple life was. Before mental health issues entered the picture. Before he began threatening violence against the family.

I don’t know what is in store for my son. I wish that I did. I wish that I could see the future. But I can’t.

What I do know. I love my son. I care very deeply about what he is dealing with, and wish that I could erase all of the bad things from his mental life.

In the last few days, I have had people tell me that they admire my strength, my bravery, my confidence that we will get through this.

Want to know a secret?

I don’t feel brave. I don’t feel strong. I feel that I have lost confidence in my ability to parent.

There is something about having to call 911 and say “my son is threatening to beat me with a shovel” that makes you think that you have lost the ability to parent your child.

People say that I should sue. Sue who?

His birth mom for doing drugs while pregnant?

The county for placing David up for adoption when the birth mom would have nothing to do with him?

The foster mom who loved him and treated him like her own son?

The case worker who helped us through the adoption process?

The first psychiatrists we took him to when we realized that something wasn’t quite right?

The teachers who tried to work with him?

The teacher who refused to work with him?

The education professional who locked him in a room in the school and watched him through a window?

The facility who worked to help him, and then released him after he successfully completed their program?

The school professional who refused to let him back into the school when he came home?

The next facility who worked with him for more than a year and then recommended a transfer to another facility for continued care?

The last facility for discharging him under the direction of a company in Tennessee who acted under the authority of the state Medicaid program?

Ascend Management Innovations for refusing to authorize the Certificate of Need in July that would have seen him in a facility on July 7th which would have prevented some of the events of this week?

Or the doctors and therapists who have worked with us, in some cases failed miserably, this year?

Myself and his mom? For loving a little boy as our own?

Because if I start suing people, I need to start somewhere. And I need to stop somewhere. So who gets hit?

It sucks, it really does. Last night the psychiatrist recommended getting David placed in a detention center until a bed is available. Unless he actually hits me with the shovel, that isn’t an option.

And you know what? David is slated for a bed that will hopefully be available by Oct 1. Two things to remember about that bed.

the current occupant might need it longer.

Ascend Management Innovations could deny the Certificate of Need and not allow him the bed.

Then what do we do?

It is a terrible, terrible thing to live in fear.

I know that the mental picture I have of me holding David in my arms can never be had again, but I could do without the fear.

I don’t put a lot of religion in my writing, but I ask that each of my readers pray for David. Pray for the family. I do. Daily. And whether you are an atheist or the clerk of court in Rowan County Kentucky, positive thoughts work just as well.

I will continue to fight for David’s care. For the safety of the whole family, which includes David.