Actor: Meat Loaf

In another live-stream twitter event, I decided to move up a few tiers in budget and name recognition, mostly to scrub the filth we've sat through the last two weeks out of our skull (my skull's still ringing fromThe Glamorous Life of Sachiko Hanai). Instead we're going to go for a B movie that actually saw some screentime state-side.

Bloodrayne is based (albiet, loosely) on the video game of the same name. It's main protagonist is a Half-Vampire/Half-Human on a quest to find her Vampire father and seek bloody vengeance against him. During the course of the video game, she takes out Nazi's, monsters, and other vamps while working for the Brimstone society, a secret organization that fights the forces of darkness. Think Blade, but with more boobs...and Nazis.

But this is all beside the point. This is a Uwe Boll flick! Silly things like "story", "plotting", or any semblance of adhereing to the licensed property go out the window when dealing this German-born directoral equivalent of Ed Wood's used underwear. This man has made a career out of destroying video game properties. The worst part is that a lot of the properties he destroys could have decent movies made about them, like Alone in the Dark, House of the Dead, and yes-Bloodrayne. Granted, Hollywood's not exactly faring much better. Look at Doom. But to borrow a phrase from the Godfather, it's not-fer-nothin' that the three Uwe movies I just mentioned are all consistently listed on the IMDB Bottom 100.

Finally, the film stars Kristanna Loken and Ben Kingsley: or the T-X from Terminator 3 and Ghandi respectively. While I get why Michael Madsen and Billy Zane appeared in the movie (they seem to just say "yes" to everything), at the time this movie came out, KL's star was on the rise. Granted, it never really went anywhere, but still. As far as Sir Kingsley, he's a knight for goddsakes! Lord knows, he only needs to work when he wants to, so I have no idea why he agreed to appear. Maybe it looked better on paper?

Ladies and Gentlemen, we are minutes away from starting Bloodrayne.

First ominous sign: “A Uwe Boll Film”

Meatloaf’s in this too! Now my day’s complete!

Well, it’s already better than The Source. It has tracking shots without camera shadows.