3. Creepy writer men are men whose writing I’ve admired for years, messaging me to say that they like something I’ve written, and hey, they are going to be “in the city,” here’s the room number at their hotel.

Sometimes, the real thing is worth the wait. But for those of you who are dating impatient people with an affinity for iPhone cameras and their own genitals, here are a few tips you can use as you navigate the digital world.

He was a perfect date. I later got drunk and hacked his phone (who uses their birth year for a password? It was 1986, by the way #teamcougar). What I found was a text to a Kristina explaining his aforementioned sex dream he’d had about her while sleeping next to me in a luxurious hotel bed.