Sign This Petition To Make R. Kelly’s “Ignition (Remix)” Our National Anthem

Several wonderfully absurd novelty petitions have been filed since the Obama administration launched its We the People online petition program (requests to build a Death Star and to fix My Bloody Valentine‘s website come to mind), but this one is most certainly our favorite. There is a new petition to change our National Anthem to R. Kelly‘s classic (and now decade-old!) “Ignition (Remix),” replacing that outdated, unwieldy “Star-Spangled Banner.” There are several benefits to such a change, the most significant being that finally we’d have an anthem that We the People (every single one of us) actually know the words to.

The petition needs 100,000 signatures by April 2 for the White House to officially review it, and as of this writing it stands at 626 signatures. If you love this country, you will exercise your civic duty and sign it. Head below for the specifics of the petition, which present an unassailable case in favor of the change.

The reasoning:

America has changed since Francis Scott Key penned our current anthem in 1814. Since then, we have realized that after the show, it’s the afterparty, and that after the party, it’s the hotel lobby, and — perhaps most importantly — that ’round about four, you’ve got to clear the lobby, at which point it’s strongly recommended that you take it to the room and freak somebody. President Obama: we ask you to recognize the evolution of this beautiful country and give us an anthem that better suits the glorious nation we have become.”