Rap’Tou

Up until the late 1980s, British TV adverts were properly produced, if often uninspired, affairs. Then, as the 1980s gave out their death rattle, a cheap, nasty-looking, muddy-sounding, seemingly unending no frills abomination appeared in daytime ad breaks in between Home Cookery Club and the revival of Gems, in which an excitable voice-over breathlessly ran through the many kitchen duties that were slightly beyond the bounds of the Rap’Tou, a sort of hand-cranked food processor with a knife attachment and another bit that did something else and a sort of bracket on the bottom. Viewers dimly remembered similarly bare bones ads from the earlier half of the decade on behalf of the mighty Ronco empire, but these were altogether more brash, eager-to-please, and downright un-British, the evangelical voice-over continually asking itself awed questions the audience would never bother to put in a thousand years, only to answer them itself as if the secret of eternal life and everlasting personal freshness had been stumbled upon just in time for part two of A Country Practice. ‘Watch how Rap-Tou deals with this hard-boiled egg! Look! But where’s the shell? Amazing!’ Well, you carry on with that, we’ll just be outside. And that’s not all! Later came attempts to flog a job lot of plastic stacking chairs that had lost their legs by marketing them as The Abdominizer, a rickety-looking gizmo that enabled the lucky punter to ‘Rock – rock – ROCK Your way to fitness!’ After that, the deluge, and British commercial TV now consists almost entirely of depressing tat being flogged by shouty men.

LOVED MY RAP’TOU, A FANTASTIC GADGET, USED IT A LOTS, UNFORTUNATELY PART OF IT BROKE SOME TIME AGO AND HAVE SINCE BEEN HUNTING HIGH AND LOW WITH NO RESULTS. CAN YOU LET ME KNOW WHERE I CAN GET ONE, ACTUALLY 2, CAUSE EVEN MY DAUGHTER WANTS ONE FOR HER NEW HOME TOO. THANKS

I remember the original Rap’ Tou commercial nearly word-for-word. It used to air on Quantum Satellite Programing every night starting are around 2AM – 5AM in 1990 on my local station in Milwaukee. I remember that, the Kitchen-Mate, Mega Memory with Kevin Trudeau, and the Original Hand-Hammered Wok with a British gentleman. Rap’Tou though was the main event for me. I loved it when that infomercial came on.

“Are you sick of making shredded knuckles?
Still wrestling with this expensive toy?
Still collecting dew-hickeys and thingamajigs?
Then Rap’Tou is for you!

Just root it to your counter,
Attach these steel blades and away you go!
A whole cabbage easily becomes a car load of coleslaw.
And you can color it with radishes,
without raking your knuckles.

Change blades and you have the three fastest knives in the world.
Just look at those carrot slices fly.
Want longer slices?
They won’t take any longer to make.

Rap’Tou slices everything.
And to clean,
all you do is rinse.

The third blade can cut through even the hardest cheese.
Think this ice can jam it?
Rap’Tou crushes that idea.

This machine is easily worth $40 dollars,
BUT you get a second machine.
That turns a potato into a fist full of french fries.
Makes healthy carrot sticks for munchies,
and look it even makes diced vegetables.
How’s that for versatile?

Order now and get our special bowl that fits securely on the base.
It’s an extra hand that means no more UH OH!
And you can say UH-UH to $40,
because you get everything for only $29.95.

Want more?
Then watch this potato.
It comes out mashed,
but where’s the peel?
Unbelievable!
Try it with an egg.
One push here, egg salad here,
and the shell HERE!
A-mazing!

You get everything complete.
Both machines,
the safety bowl,
and all the attachments,
for only $29.95
Order your Rap’Tou NOW!!!!!!!