i had a hard time finding something to do over the weekend. Dan was going to be away, and though the boyfriend would finally be back in town after being gone for a month, he’d be spending it with his wife, obviously. That’s what i wanted to do. I wanted to spend the weekend cuddling someone special to me. But, it wasn’t possible. So, everything else felt flat.

i could go shopping, i could stay home and clean, i could go to a festival. ......nothing felt right. Then, someone mentioned that GLEE (Great lakes energy exchange) was meeting over the weekend and they had someone leading a guided meditation, titled Quest of the Holy Grail. That felt like something that would feed my soul. That felt like something worth doing.

For me, i need something deep and dark to put me back into the pit again so that i can do some inner work. For those that are new, i can see why they would be concerned where this meditation would take them. Everything they are dealing with is still very raw. Mine isn’t raw anymore. Most of that stuff has been dealt with over the last 15 years. The stuff is left is buried deep. It’s buried deep but still effects me to this day. So, i need a tool that can get that deep into my psyche and pry it out. Shock it out. Demand that it show its face.

This quest was a 4 hour meditation, that took place as 4 separate 45 minute meditations. There were about 4 people that ended up walking out. I really wish they had stayed. Yes the spots they walked out of were tough, but that means that they left with that vision in their head. If they had waited a little longer, he would have walked them through something that would have brought the out of the anxiety.

i hit a couple of rough moments, but it’s stuff that i have to look at. Did i find the grail? i don’t know. It’s not a specific thing. or to me, it’s about finding and our inner light. it’s having that aha moment of knowing that i am a Goddess. There were a couple of moments where i got more understanding of why i am like i am. Why i’m a deep thinker instead of a surface life participator. Why i am a deep lover. Why i shy away from surface people. Why i shy away from pretenders. Why i stay away from people that gossip about others. Why i am quiet. Why i am full of anger.

i’m still processing.....and i’m sure i will be processing for awhile.....