The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints confirmed Tuesday afternoon that someone improperly, posthumously baptized the late mother of President Obama into the Mormon faith.

So if you’re a Mormon, you can’t drink, you can’t have coffee, you can’t do drugs, you have to dress up in stupid clothes and wander around the world trying to sign up converts, you have pretend that stupid Mormon movies like Napoleon Dynamite aren’t moronic, you have to read terrible Mormon novels about sexless pedophile vampires, and you have to wear magical undergarments to calm the urges. AND YET YOU’RE ENCOURAGED TO DIG UP DEAD PEOPLE AND BAPTIZE THEM! WHERE IS THE QUALITY CONTROL?

Update:

It has been pointed out to me that Mormons do not actually dig up the dead to baptize them. In fact, they do not baptize them at all; they just gather together in one of their Mormon caves and splash water on each other and say the name of the dead person.

In my defense, this was reported as news, which made me think that something newsworthy had happened, which a bunch of weirdos in a cave pouring water on each other and saying people’s names certainly isn’t.

Do Mormons believe in a soul? If so, wouldn’t the metaphorical horse be out of the dear-departed gate before the “baptism”? I might be confused – keeping track of the stupid shit people believe ranks pretty far down on my list of things to do with my brain.

It’s obvious that the story was newsworthy because it involved President Obama’s mother, not because of what some idiots in a cave did. So your defense that since it was news you assumed they were digging up corpses doesn’t make any sense.

I’ve been a fan of yours since a few weeks ago when i ran into this site on another blog that i frequent. Really looking forward to the book. Very much hoping it doesn’t contain any more logic like this.