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The Bachelor Season 21: Episode 5 recap

Source: ABC

Who knew that Milwaukee, Wisconsin would offer more plot lines than Louisiana? Not this guy. It seemed like The French Quarter, Voodoo, and Bourbon Street should have offered more than a few stale dates and yet another “to be continued…”

We last left off with Taylor and Corinne getting into a fight that was basically Taylor telling Corinne, “You’re stupid.” To which Corinne responded, “Wait…What?” Followed by Taylor saying, “Um, I have a master’s degree, and you’re definitely stupid.” Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

The rose ceremony saw Sarah (noooooo!!) and Astrid hit the old dusty trail, as Nick instead gave roses to a 23-year old and a 24-year old, respectfully. Now, I might not be the most conventional person, but I have a hankering that if I were 36 and single, and I was dating the 23 & 24-year-old market, my mother might have a serious conversation with me, and I’m pretty sure my friends would really hammer the point home with a lot of “really’s??” and “That’s pretty creepy, dude,” and probably one of them would be like, “Hey man, good for you!” (you know who you are…) My point is that with a 10+ age difference there’s a point where it gets a little weird. In essence, Nick should have picked Sarah, damnit!

After the ceremony the girls packed their bags for the bayou, in ol’ Louisiana, where the humidity can hit 90%, and teeth are optional. After the girls got settled in, Chris Harrison appeared seemingly from nowhere, wearing his traditional clothes that say, “I’mmmmmm Breezy!” Chris let the girls know that the dreaded two-on-one date would be taking place this week. I wonder who it could be??

Notice the couple in the back…shame!! Source: ABC

Rachel got the one-on-one date, and started her campaign for the next Bachelorette. Rachel and Nick went on what I call a “Good Will Hunting” date. This date consists of going to a market and trying on silly hats and disguises because real conversation is too difficult. Nick and Rachel then decided the French Market would be the ideal place have a quick make out session, because privacy is overrated. The date got so boring, that there is little else to say. They followed a parade, saw a Kelly Clarkson wannabe, and then had dinner. Rachel got the rose, because she’s normal and not insane, and then they went home. Date, over.

Back at the Marriott, the girls found out Taylor and Corinne would be the two girls on the two-on-one date, because, shocker, they’re the worst. I would think that the show is getting into dangerous territory with the two-on-one dates, because for the past 3-4 seasons there is at least one lady or lad included on the date who is a miserable person. We had Chris Soules leave both women in the desert. Kaitlyn had JJ, who, if you don’t remember, was a super douche who was only shown up by Jojo’s “Chad.” Finally, Ben had to deal with wide-mouthed, resident crazy girl, Olivia. So basically, the two-on-one means that at least one of the girls/guys is a red flag, if not both. And in Nick’s case it’s both.

Clearly the creepiest part of the date. Source: ABC

Before we get to the two on one, the group date took place in a “haunted house.” I say “haunted house,” because when I first saw it, I immediately thought of the Skeleton Key, which would have been an interesting place to stay the night. I think staying in a house where two children were murdered would have provided a little more fodder for a haunted house than a girl dying from a glorified flu. But alas, we can’t have everything. So instead, Nick took the girls to a “haunted house,” complete with a bar, and a caretaker named Boo, who you just know is on a sex offender list for something involving a movie theater and beet juice.

“I used to sell swamp side homes, now I Voodoo.” Source: ABC

Finally, we get to the two-on-one, which saw the girls get on an airboat, and head down to the bayou! Once they were deep in gator land, Nick and girls stumbled upon a voodoo community. It was definitely a traditional voodoo community, as the leader was a 40-year old white woman, who definitely wasn’t going through a midlife crisis. Following a Tarot Card reading and a good old fashion log talk, Nick picked Corinne. This date made me so mad I don’t know where to start. Instead of quick slants this week, I am just going to list all the reasons why this date, with all the potential of being drama filled and hilarious, instead ended with a fizzle and a plop.

This date sucked

Obviously more attention should have been paid to the freaking air boat driver! God! At least interview him one time!

Taylor and Corinne spent virtually no time together. Why not have them at least stay together for the card readings?

The whole thing felt wildly staged, and took me (the audience) totally out of it.

How in ABC’s infinite wisdom did they not come up with something like a spelling bee or anything that actually would have provided some kindling for the two girls to unleash their fury? This is the network that took Emily “my husband was a race car driver but he died” Maynard to a Nascar track for a date, so don’t act like “cold” and “calculated” isn’t in their wheelhouse.

Guhh. Here’s to next week, where hopefully Taylor — post sage and oil bath — will start the show out with a bang.