Saturday, January 27, 2007

Action Figures or Afghans

Here's a comment I left over at bunny's place a while back when asked what Han Solo did with all the hair that damn wookie must have shed. I thought this was rather funny, so I e-mailed it to a friend: he said, "lose my e-mail address". I love that.

han-made afghans. a pun even.

han, you see, was an expert knitter, having been trained by the ewoks to knit entire king-sized afghans in less than 10 parsecs (incidentally, this is more than 2 parsecs faster than the millenium falcon made the castle run---and i'm sure his knitting would far out run any imperial starship; my guess, though, is that he'd still abandon any smuggled cargo if boarded).

there is this little-known fact: the "empire" the rebels feared was in fact han's own knitting empire, making han a puppet master of sorts. he would ultimately control the universe (vader was a mere puppet, han was truly the emperor) and reep the rewards (getting gold from the rebels and getting one hell of a face lift from the imperials).

with this new information brought to light, one can not dismiss the truth. fact: afghans require wool. fact: wookies shed. heavily. and their fur is easily spun into wool. one wookie sheds enough wool in a month to produce enough afghans for the entire star wars universe (plus or minus any outsider who might pop into the cantina to watch obi wan lightsaber someone's arm off). fact: it is cold in space and on most of the planets in the star wars universe. thus, all beings in the star wars universe would require an afghan at some point. to keep warm.

han, realizing this, quietly stockpiled his afghans until he had enough for every known being in the star wars universe (he had sneaked into the jedii temple and read the tapes of all known planets and beings, yoda didn't see him do so; yoda was likely sensing some other disturbance in his force at the time, the dirty little green fucker.). as soon as han knew he had enough afghans, he caused a bit of disruption in the senate. the cost of oil increased, there was a fake war in iraq, etc. he even had the death star built as a distraction, knowing that one day he'd blow it up as a diversion.

another fact: han didn't believe in the force. he had a trusty blaster at his side. at all times. and he wasn't afraid to use it (poor, poor greedo).

thus, while the rebels were preoccupied with destroying the evil empire and luke was getting in touch with himself via the force (and one rather dirty old brit), han took down the entire system, one afghan at a time. laughing all the way to the intergallactic bank.