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Monday, December 10, 2012

Moment of Truth.

Last week I only worked out once.
I set out for a run and only made it about 100 feet before I quit. Not started walking. QUIT. Turned around and walked back inside and took my shoes off.
I had to take 10 pounds off my bench press because I could barely lift it off the bar, let alone pump it. 10 pounds that I added 5 weeks ago and was almost ready to add more to.
It wasn't because I couldn't.
It wasn't because I didn't want to.
It wasn't because I though it wouldn't matter.

It was because I was too weak.
I was too hungry. It was because at the end of every day, I had the satisfaction of seeing that I'd successfully consumed as few calories as possible that day.

14 months ago I made a decision to change my life. I wanted to pursue health and physical fitness. I didn't want to just 'be this body', I wanted to flourish in this body. I wanted to become the best possible version of myself. I built a foundation for a lifelong change because I told myself everyday- it's the journey, not the destination.
When weeks would go by without outward changes, or yet another friend would recommend some weight/fitness product that had totally change their body tempting me to try for just 30 days, or 90 days, or maybe just 10 days, when I felt discouraged, I'd remind myself.
This fall I found a rhythm in my 1/2 marathon training. I was focused. I was fueling my body really well, working towards a goal and having fun. I was happy with every day and each step I was taking in this journey. I wasn't where I wanted to be, but I was changing, shaping, achieving........choosing to keep trying, keep working......keep believing.

I had originally planned to take a couple days break following my 1/2, re-group, set new goals, press of forward. Throw in some complicated family/personal issues and my 'couple days break' morphed into any energy or focus I had getting thrown under the bus and quickly shelved.

I stopped reminding myself the truth about my journey. I wanted to 'arrive'. I wanted to meet goal and be where I want to be physically NOW. I was no longer happy with the journey, I wanted destination. PRONTO. It was that road trip that makes all your senses come alive-- the tires humming along the pavement while your eyes drink in the beauty of fall in the east- coffee and apple slices for munching and the radio just loud enough to catch Natasha Bedingfield hum about soul mates. And then suddenly it's dark and your eyes won't stay open and the car is full of the sound of rubber and asphalt clashing, your hands and steering wheel are sticky and every radio station is running their annual pledge drive.
But in reality- nothing had changed. Only my perspective. Only my attitude. Only my decision to enjoy life.

In allowing my perspective to change, I allowed my behaviour to change. I would be the first to tell you that you HAVE to properly fuel your body. I spent two weeks arguing with a close friend this summer after she told me that she had cut her calorie intake and lost 7 pounds in one week. I spent days trying to convince her how dangerous that was, emailed her links with healthy eating recommendations and prayed my butt off that she would 'come back to her senses'.
But in my impatient, thoughtless need for perfection......I became my own worst enemy. I accepted the lie that who I was today wasn't good enough if it didn't look like what my mind thought was the best.I didn't intentionally seek truth, and lies intentionally sought me.

It was a short-lived couple of weeks, but over the weekend I had to come face to face with myself. I was hurting myself. I couldn't look in the mirror and say 'I'm taking care of my body' and refuse to properly fuel myself. That's not honesty.

This blog has been one of my favorites since the first time I ever visited it. Read it. It will change your soul.

I share this because I need the accountability of sharing this struggle. I'd like to pretend that it was some vague issue that I went through and 'got over', but that's not honest. That's not genuine. Authentic. Real. Those are all things that I want to be, both as an individual and as a blogger.
Health begins internally. You can't be healthy outside unless you are healthy inside. It's starts within.
So I choose to seek truth. I choose to love this journey. I choose to see the big picture.

To recap-
don't believe lies.
fuel your body.
get counsel from wise people.
love life.
be happy.
the end.

3 comments:

This is very well written. Wanting immediate results is because of the world we live in. Everything guarantees immediate action and people aren't pleased if they don't get it. I hope that writing all of this made you really think about sticking with it and be proud of how far you've come. When you get to your destination it will feel one million times better because of all the work you put in. That's what I keep telling myself.

I love that picture/quote, "Health is a relationship between you and your body." Mind if I use it? I'm starting a challenge group called Fitness Code 3 to give people moral support and guidance and help them in their fitness goals by holding them accountable. Find me at http://daddygonnabeastup.blogspot.com. And best wishes for reaching all your goals in this new year!