How I'm feeling

I've been sitting here for a couple of days getting worse and worse. Trying not to explode and tell everyone. I've been making stupid posts everywhere that tell half the story and I'm sick to death of it.

Wanna know what's going on? I'll fucking tell you what's going on. I am on the edge of giving up right now. I feel like my doctor has given up on me and is just sitting back waiting for me to end it. He might end up getting his wish if I don't talk honestly soon. Everyone keeps telling me to go to see a new doctor, I don't want to see a new doctor. Firstly this one is the one who has looked after my whole family but more importantly he is the one who was looking after my Nan through her illness until her death. And secondly, if he gives up on me like the last one, I can't be arsed to go through this whole thing again with another doctor. I'm afraid I'll give up too.

I'm trying so hard to fight for Vikki. And to hide it from her. I'm only posting now because I can't think of another way to help myself right now.

I wanted to go to the shops earlier to buy her something to make her feel better. She wouldn't let me go because she didn't trust me. Well guess what, the only reason I suggested it was to go to buy some pills.

OMG, she's asleep next to me and just looking at her is making my heart beat so much faster, making me remember just how much I love her. Making me feel so fucking guilty for feeling like this.

She deserves so much better than me. She deserves to be happy. Maybe if I just fucked off she could be happy. I should never have came into her life. ***** and her probably would have ended up together. As would ***** and *****. They all could have been happy together and I could have just fucking disappeared without anyone noticing.

I've been sitting here for a couple of days getting worse and worse. Trying not to explode and tell everyone. I've been making stupid posts everywhere that tell half the story and I'm sick to death of it.

Wanna know what's going on? I'll fucking tell you what's going on. I am on the edge of giving up right now. I feel like my doctor has given up on me and is just sitting back waiting for me to end it. He might end up getting his wish if I don't talk honestly soon. Everyone keeps telling me to go to see a new doctor, I don't want to see a new doctor. Firstly this one is the one who has looked after my whole family but more importantly he is the one who was looking after my Nan through her illness until her death. And secondly, if he gives up on me like the last one, I can't be arsed to go through this whole thing again with another doctor. I'm afraid I'll give up too.

I'm trying so hard to fight for Vikki. And to hide it from her. I'm only posting now because I can't think of another way to help myself right now.

I wanted to go to the shops earlier to buy her something to make her feel better. She wouldn't let me go because she didn't trust me. Well guess what, the only reason I suggested it was to go to buy some pills.

OMG, she's asleep next to me and just looking at her is making my heart beat so much faster, making me remember just how much I love her. Making me feel so fucking guilty for feeling like this.

She deserves so much better than me. She deserves to be happy. Maybe if I just fucked off she could be happy. I should never have came into her life. ***** and her probably would have ended up together. As would ***** and *****. They all could have been happy together and I could have just fucking disappeared without anyone noticing.

Maybe there's still time :cry:

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Stop wallowing in self-pity, Sam. It's very self-indulgent and you really shouldn't grant yourself any favours if all you feel if such unrelenting self-hate. But then i suppose it makes you feel better, and given this fact, could arguably be inate and instinctual, part of a self-preservation mechanism operating out of your own control. We have a pre-programmed need to feel good so as to stay alive.