Friday, November 6, 2015

"Martian"

Here’s a problem.

I saw Martian the
other day and I enjoyed it tremendously.A determinative sign of my enthusiasm?I did not care if it made sense.(By which I mean “story” sense.As far as scientific accuracy is concerned, my official reaction:“Who cares?”)

Martian felt like
a throwback kind of a movie, from a time when America was hyper-optimistic and
believed it could do anything.Americans don’t believe that anymore.Except for campaigning politicians.And it is possible they are only be saying
that for votes.

In Martian, an
astronaut is left stranded on Mars, and in the end – “Spoiler Alert!” – they
get him back.

In truth, that isn’t really much of a spoiler.A movie where an astronaut’s stranded on Mars
and they don’t get him back?

Just in case you were disappointed by my substandard “Spoiler
Alert”, I now offer a legitimate
“Spoiler Alert” about Martian –

Nobody dies.

That was a better
one, wasn’t it?

I cannot tell you how happy that made me.Not that I ruined the suspense by giving away
the fact that nobody dies, but that that was actually the case in a movie.

Nobody died.

Color me “Relieved.”I mean, people die in comedies
today.And here we have a movie set in outer
space, which, you know, is a risky kind of a venue, where dying is not an
unlikely possibility, I mean, not to the star of the movie, of course, but an
endearing featured character the audience welcomed warmly into their hearts –
those guys go all the time!

Not this time.

Nobody died.

Now you might say, “We cannot take this film seriously
because nobody died.”But I ask you to consider
whether the need for obligatory “movie death” says more about the movie, or about
you.

Is it unfathomable to believe that they can rescue someone
from Mars and nobody dies?What is the
matter with you?Is what I am asking you
to consider.

I loved it that nobody died.It spared me the agonizing discomfort I have come to see as the price I
am required to pay to watch an otherwise enjoyable movie.This time, however – no price.To which I say to Martian’s moviemakers…

Thank you.

The problem is, though I am not known for snarkiness, I am known for complaininess.“Complaining
‘R I”, you might say, were you packaging my perspectival essentialness.And with a terrific movie like Martian, I have nothing to complain
about.

Which, the way I write about things…

Leaves me nothing to write about.

With one exception.

The ticky-tack quality of my quibble reflecting,

“This guy’s really ‘reaching’ for a complaint.”

That’s true.But it
is not going to stop me.

Here’s my quibbly complaint.

Late in the movie, Matt Damon, succeeding Tom Hanks as
today’s identifiable “Mr. Everyman” – except with a more noticeably sculpted
upper body – steps out of the shower, and moves away from the camera…

Revealing, not surprisingly for a person who has just
stepped out of the shower…

,…backal nudity.

At that point, I immediately lean over to Dr. M and I
whisper,

“Not him.”

Uttered with total confidence, although I have zero
familiarity with Mr. Damon’s actual butt.

I just knew that wasn’t his.

Incidentally, the “stepping-out-of-the-shower” scene was
entirely unnecessary.Maybe it was the
producer’s way of making up for “Nobody died.”“Nobody died, but you got to see Matt Damon’s posterior.”

Except you didn’t.

Which made me immediately wonder,

Whose posterior was
it?

And…

Was that “Tushie Double” invited to the premier?

And did he bring along his parents?

And did he go up to Matt Damon at the “after party” and say,
“I’m your hind-quarters”?

And what exactly is on his resume?

And on his eight-by-ten glossies?

And can he do uncanny posterial impressions of all the
actors he’s stood in for?

And does he feel lucky to be working, or did he always know
he “had it”?

And what are the auditions for those jobs like?

(DISMISSLINGLY)“That’s Tom Cruise’s ass.”

Thank you, Martian
producers for including that gratuitous moment.

Otherwise, I’d be dead in the water here.

What does my inability to write interestingly about positive
experiences say about me?