Katrin: Michelle Rodriguez-Daughter of Lord Elrich and betrayer of Brimestone. She’s a tough girl whose main expresiion is an angry pout. Like every other character Michelle Rodriguez plays.

Lord Elrich: Billy Zane-Katrin’s father turned Vampire. Wear’s a somewhat respectable wig and was smart enough to keep his part in this movie to a minimum.

Kagen: Ben Kingsley-Rayne’s father and main villain of the movie.

Leonid: Meat Loaf Aday-Hedonistic Vampire lord that lays around all day surrounded by prostitutes. Really a stretch for MeatLoaf I’m sure.

Domistir: Will Sanderson-Kagen’s Head Thrall. Stabs himself in order to stab Sebastian who was behind him. Then gets his troat slit.

Regal Monk: Udo Kier-Head monk of the monstary that holds an ancient powerful relic and teller of exposition. Killed by Domisitr.

Amanda: Madalina Constantin –young woman trying to make it in show business. Bitten by Rayne who then takes her swords, then killed by Katrin. And they say Hollywood is tough.

Thralls and Vampires. Thralls are humans in service to Kagen. Vampires are also working for him. Cannon fodder for the heroes

THE PLOT

Opening credits roll through some paintings of devils and demons. One is of the movie’s main villain, created by running a movie still through the photo manipulation software.

In a small town, 3 of our main characters arrive-two supporting mullets that belong to car racing fans more than they do 18th Century fighters of hellspawn. Vladimir, Sebastian and Katarin are members of the Brimstone Society-an organization dedicated to defend mankind from creatures of the night. They sit down to acquire some information from the local bar tender. Sebastian casually kills a vampire who had just stopped by to get some absinthe. Really wasn’t that guy’s night. The bar keep, not really shocked that an undead monster is in his bar tells them that there might be an undead monster at a traveling carnival.

The carnival is a place with mildly talented people and freaks and is a place where normal people go to watch others suffer. (Insert any video sharing site joke here). One of the entertainers is Amanda, a sword woman and friend to the movie’s namesake. Rayne herself is touted out and is first burned by exposure to water, as a side effect to vampirism is a severe case of aquagenic urticaria. Then she’s feed the blood of a live goat. Again had this been the modern era, somebody would have shouted out “FAKE” followed by a racist remark. Rayne is taken back to her cage, and Amanda tells her that soon they will leave the carnival for a better life.

Flash to the Castle of Free 3D Software, and we get our first look at Kagen, the main villain and Rayne’s father. Kagen apparently sits around his castle a lot looking into space because he hasn’t realized that TV hasn’t been invented yet. His head thrall Domistir tells him that there had been an incident of Blood rage at a local carnival. Kagen believes it might be his long lost daughter.

By the way, Kagen in the movie looks like a frail old man. Kagen in the games looked like someone who could tear you in half with his bare hands even if he wasn’t a vampire.

Rayne is next seen running through the woods wailing and covered in blood. A carnival performer tried to force himself onto her. She goes into a rage and ends up attacking and killing everyone in sight.

Vladimir, Sebastian, and Katrin arrive at the carnival the next day, searching for Rayne. They start hacking up bodies and burning them. Amanda still lives despite Rayne having bitten her and taking her swords. After telling them that Rayne isn’t really a threat, Katrin stabs Amanda through the heart. Poor girl, just one of those characters a movie just love to be mean to for no good reason.

Katrin’s father Lord Elrich, who wears the second worst wig in the picture dictates a letter to his daughter. He says that the Brimstone has become too weak to survive and he wants her to bring him an artifact that is hidden at the fortress. And surprise...He’s a vampire now. Nice to see he keeps in contact with his family.

Rayne kills some more vampires and we hear her talk for the first time. All we’ve had until now is some wailing and grunting. She enters a village where a fortune teller and Rayne are able to get some explanations done for the audience. Short Version: Rayne is a human/ vampire hybrid called a dhamphir. Kagen raped and killed her mother while she watched hidden from him. To get to Kagen, she must find an artifact (an eye) from a monastery to gain an audience with him and a chance at revenge.

The fortune teller is played by the daughter of Charlie Chaplin. Something both sad and funny about the descendant of one of film’s pioneering figures appearing in an Uwe Boll film.

Rayne gains entrance to the monastery under the guise of a lost woman wanting food and shelter. While sleeping, Rayne is woken up by voices that lead her to the vault, which is guarded by a large deformed monk who swings a war hammer and mace. What happens next can only be described as a boss battle. Rayne flips around and is able to kill the monster, after which she gains the Cross key. Game Logic 101-Beat the boss ,get the treasure.

Using the key, she opens the vault only to find it’s trapped with motion detecting blades. Rayne is able to avoid the blades but taking the artifact off the pedestal triggers another trap as the room fills with water. (I’ll give this movie one thing-some parts are very video game-esque). Using her sword to hang from the ceiling, Rayne inadvertently absorbs the eye’s power and is no longer burned by water. Also she’s lucky that it only filled in about 2 inches instead of it filling all the way and drowning her.

The head monk tells Rayne that an ancient vampire named Belliar was somehow able to make himself immune to traditional vampire weaknesses-sunlight, Crucifixes, and water. All that is left of him is a rib, an eye, and a heart. Kagen is looking for the parts to make himself invincible.

Domistir and the thralls then attack the monastery. The monks fight back using their martial art skills but end up getting killed. Vlad, Sebastian, and Katrin show up to join the free-for-all, but Rayne ends up getting captured anyway. Domistir goes to the castle of Leonid for a pit stop which leads to one of this movie’s more infamous parts.

Leonid is played by the singer Meatloaf with what appears to be a dead Yorkshire terrier atop his head. He’s surrounded by naked women that according to some sources where played by actual prostitutes. All this plus the cheesy acting gives the film some unintentional laughs.

Vlad and Sebastian make it to Leonid underground blood orgy and music club just as Leonid tries to get the eye from Rayne. Leonid is killed when Vlad starts breaking windows to let in sunlight. A few well placed shots and the meatloaf gets burned. (I should feel bad about that one, but I don’t). Rayne is taken to the Brimstone fortress, located on some far away island.

The next parts of the movie can be summed up quickly. Kagen acquires the rib and destroys some Brimstone franchises off screen. Rayne undergoes some training montages. Katrin’s distrust of Rayne leads her to contact her father, the vampire so she can give him the heart which is hidden at Brimestone Society headquarters.

Like the eye before it, the heart seems to talk to Rayne. No idea what it was saying to her, but it seems to cause her to want to have relationships with mullet headed renaissance fair workers. Luckily Sebastian is there, and is not about to turn down Rayne’s advances. It may not be the most gratuitous sex scene is a horror movie, but it’s definitely nominated.

Katrin’s message to Elrich is intercepted by Domistir who forces the Count to reveal the location of the final game piece.

While Vlad, Sebastian, and Rayne are out getting supplies, an army of thralls attacks the final Brimstone fortress, killing almost everyone inside. One survivor makes it to land and is able to tell Rayne that Katrin had betrayed the society. Rayne goes off to face her, but is stopped by Sebastian. She convinces him to let her go alone, while he and Vlad head to Kagen’s castle level.

Rayne finds the Castle Brimstone destroyed, it’s occupants dead, and the thralls still searching. Following the voices from the heart, she finds Katrin swimming down to the underwater hiding place of the heart. Rayne dives in after her. A short fight later, Rayne snaps Katrin’s neck and drinks her blood, healing some wounds. A little overkill maybe, but you always want to stock up on health before facing the final boss.

Off to the final level.

Ranye allows herself to be captured and is quite lucky Domistir never checks the heart’s container to see if see was lying. Vladimir and Sebastian get through the gate using some black powder bombs. It always amuses when medieval movies are able to work in an explosion or two. The three are united in the dungeon where Rayne tells them that Katrin is dead. She does leave out the part that she was the one that killed her though.

Kagen is preparing to perform a ritual to remove the eye from Rayne. Rayne vows to fight, and by that I mean she let’s herself be taken away and tied up with only minimal struggling and token grunts and wailing. Vlad and Sebastian escape the dungeon using the “My friend is missing” trick. A joke so old, a T-Rex wouldn’t fall for it. (Well actually, a T-Rex wouldn’t fall for it, because it’s highly developed sense of smell could have located the missing person almost instantly-but I digress)The two interrupt the ceremony and free Rayne. Vampires and thralls are killed. A very tired looking Vlad is killed by Kagen.

Domistir kills Sebastian by killing himself but is first killed by Sebastian whom he just killed. That’s what happens. Trust me.

Kagen and Rayne square off in the final boss battle. Rayne is able to put up a decent fight, actually using some moves from the game, but Kagen overpowers her. He is about to gouge her eye out, but luckily, Kagen is distracted by Sebastian who is dying from being killed by Domistar who killed himself to kill Sebastian but was killed by Sebastian. Still with me?

Rayne is able to kill Kagen but with Vlad and Sebastian dead, she has little else to do but sit on the throne of Kagen. And it’s here that the theatrical and unrated director’s cut share their biggest differences.

In the theatrical version, the screen fades to black on Rayne’s face, implying that she’s assuming control of her father’s empire. In the Director’s cut, after the fade out, the movie now shows alternate versions of some of the movies scenes. The alternates are mostly of the battle scenes and are gorier then what was shown previously. It also leads to the biggest unintentional laughs. During the alternate version of the attack on the monastery, some thralls are chopping up a monk, but the look on the thralls face is one of boredom. Other scenes have fake looking effects or just seem over the top.

When the alternate reel is done, Rayne smiles to the camera then rides off on her horse. Headed towards Direct to DVD land.

LESSONS LEARNED

Art styles of the 18th century included Neoclassicism, Romanticism and Photoshop filter.Belly shirts where a popular fashion trend for women in 18th RomaniaHacking people to death is not as exciting as you’d think it would be.Hearing voices is a very powerful aphrodisiac.

STUFF TO WATCH FOR5:46 I really want to make a “Got Milk” joke, but I know I shouldn’t.17:03 Nearly twenty minutes in and this is the first time we hear our heroine speak.26:20 BOSS BATTLE!27:50 Puzzle Trap Room37:54 RANDOM GRATITUS BREAST SHOTS53:37 RANDOM GRATITUS SEX SCENE1:22:43 Final Boss Battle1:24:56 Dying in a Crucifix position. Oh come on, that’s just being pretentious1:27:16 Recapping the movie for those just joining us.

NOTABLE QUOTES

Bartender: “That’s what I like about you Brimstone people. You never make a mess of the place.

Sebastian: “Kagen is building an army of thralls and we’re on our way to a carnival? Am I the only one who thinks this is madness?

Amanda: I didn’t see anything. I don’t even remember what happened.Vladimir: You were bitten by a vampire, and you don’t remember anything that happened?Sebastian: We should kill her now.

Rayne: “I will not harm you. I only wish to kill vampires”

Kagen: I shall skin you alive and hang you in display. Where is the eye?

« Last Edit: June 21, 2011, 09:29:56 PM by WingedSerpent »

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At least, that's what Gary Busey told me...

In 1991, when The People's Court ratings started to slip, Judge Wapner reinstated the death penalty-Late Show Fun Fact