The 10 Most Obnoxious Cell Phone Callers

#5. The Number Blocker

Every time you get a call from "Restricted," "Out of Area," or "Unavailable," the Number Blocker is ringing, and they dare not divulge their cell number or identity. The Number Blocker insists upon dialing the *67 prefix, since it is top secret that they're calling. Ironically, the Number Blocker is the only person you know who uses this demonstrably ineffective tactic, so it just marks them as unforgivably lame for doing it.

"Are you sure this line is secure, Mr. Black?"
"Cut the shit, Andrew. Are we still going bowling or not?"

Why They Do This:

The Number Blocker is paranoid that revealing their number could be the first misstep on the path to an assassination attempt. They don't know how, but they know that if hackers got their number they would hack it and then hack into their house and hack all of their money. (Note to terrified Number Blockers reading along at home: We are making fun of you.)

Hacking is no joke.

Without totally thinking their own motivations through, they only know that they're "not comfortable" putting their phone number "out there," even though "there" is just "the phone of whomever they're calling." Setting aside for a moment the fact that if someone could hack into your bank account based on your phone number they could presumably just as easily hack through your *67 stealth trickery, the Number Blocker also conveniently ignores the fact that they are in no way worth hacking in the first place.

Alternate Explanation:

They are calling about something extremely illegal.

What They'll Never Understand:

Almost no one is dumb enough to answer calls from blocked numbers. Again, we said almost.

#4. The Lord of the Text

For a brief moment in time, text messaging emerged as a superior method of communication because it allowed people to quickly trade critical info without the hassles of voicemail, phone tag or moving facial muscles. But thanks to the Lord of the Text, that moment is fucking history. The Lord of the Text will bait you into a drawn-out text exchange and do anything in their power to keep it alive--especially when you don't have the time or the patience for it. They will exceed character limits, ask complicated questions, pepper you with more texts before you can reply to previous ones and consistently misinterpret your replies.

"At work. Please stop texting me song lyrics!!!"

They possess the distinct ability to spawn an argument out of thin air. Strangely, they will only text you when a short conversation would be preferable yet only call you when a simple text would do. When you try to call them they won't pick up, and when you try to ignore them they become emotionally devastated. The Lord of the Text not only receives special recognition for making our list without placing a single call but deserves credit for reducing the entire English language to a series of incomprehensible acronyms and abbreviations.

Why They Do This:

The Lord of the Text represents the perfect storm of insecurity, immaturity and illiteracy. They seek constant attention and reassurance from you by sending a shitload of lousy, unwanted texts. They are high-strung, emotional basket cases and they break down over next to nothing. They misunderstand the purpose of texting and use their cell phone to publish their feelings to anyone who mistakenly created the impression that they gave two squirts.

Alternate Explanation:

They are texting about something illegal in secret code.

What They'll Never Understand:

The more texts they send, the less anyone cares.

#3. The Rooster

Somewhere in Hell, an entire VIP lounge has been roped off for the Rooster: That odious person who calls you at some obscene hour in the morning, disrupts your sleep and then ridicules you for still being in bed. The Rooster is also fond of calling you midday and asking if they woke you up, followed by heinous snickering. If you don't take their calls, they'll later suggest that you probably missed them because you were passed out. They appear to find everyone's sleeping patterns as endless sources of amusement and scorn.

"Just got back from my 4am run. Going to do some spreadsheets on my laptop outside of work until it opens. What are you up to?"

Why They Do This:

The Rooster is a smug bastard who has no life or hobbies. They love talking about how tired you seem, particularly when it allows them to segue into their own impressive daily routine. ("You just got up? I don't know how you do it, man, I've already been up for four hours; I worked out, made breakfast, did some light reading, cleaned my apartment and smelled my own shit. There's just not enough time in the day, you know?")

They get off insinuating they are better than you for getting up earlier, which is truly pathetic. They believe that any person who sleeps past 6am is lazy, regardless of when they went to sleep. Since the Rooster has nothing better to do, they usually go to bed super-duper early every night. If the Rooster does have any hobbies, they might include scrap-booking, opening mail or loitering. Overall, the Rooster's existence is inconsequential but painfully annoying nonetheless.

Alternate Explanation:

They are calling from the prison to be sprung for something illegal.

What They'll Never Understand:

People have different schedules, most of which preclude them from going to sleep at 8:30pm.

#2. The Night Owl

The Night Owl randomly calls really late, under the influence, to beg you to hang out at some shady dive bar you had no intention of going to. Even though they know your answer is certain to be "no," that doesn't deter them from calling whenever they're out painting the town stupid. The Night Owl has in fact called on nights when you had nothing else to do, but you'd rather drink alone, and then eat the bottle, than go out and babysit their pitiful ass. Like clockwork, the Night Owl will guilt-trip you a few days later for "never hanging out."

But you remember what happened last time.

Why They Do This:

While it appears they call you randomly, the Night Owl is an alcoholic who starts a new sequence of desperate drunk-dialing every night. So depending on where your slot is in their directory, your rotation will vary. You won't hear from them on late nights if your alphabetic predecessors answered the call of duty and took the bullet instead. Night Owls consider themselves fun and unpredictable while others view them as inebriated and bothersome. In addition, they are incapable of scheduling anything and will only get together with you on their terms--legally intoxicated after midnight.

Alternate Explanation:

They don't know it yet, but it's only a matter of time before they do something illegal.

What They'll Never Understand:

There's more to friendship than spontaneous alcohol guzzling in the middle of the night.

#1. The Voicemail Retard A.K.A. the Dipshit

Have you ever called somebody and tried leaving a message but couldn't because their mailbox was full? Have you ever left somebody an explicit message and they called back hours later and acted like they had no earthly idea why you called? Have you ever received a strange call where the caller says, "Uh, someone just called me from this number..."? Have you ever seen a grown man naked? If the answer to any of the first three questions is yes, then congratulations, you have encountered the Voicemail Retard, also known as the Dipshit.

Some of these fools deliberately avoid checking voicemail while others just never learned how to use it. Still, others forgot their pass codes seven months ago but haven't mustered the energy to resolve the problem yet. Voicemail Retards ensure that dealing with them is nearly impossible at all times. They are so inept with voicemail that it's probably the closest anyone will ever come to traveling back in time.

Why They Do This:

Voicemail Retards are lazy, stubborn, inconsiderate and were probably home-schooled. Much to society's chagrin, they fail to comprehend the role of efficient messaging. Rather than do what would be natural and obvious, they adapt to vital technologies like voicemail by completely disregarding them. Many are obstinate contrarians who must do the opposite of what would be practical and necessary. In fact, a good number of them just recently bought cell phones after years of declaring they did not need one, and then borrowing yours all the time.

Alternate Explanation:

Your messages are about something supposedly illegal.

What They'll Never Understand:

The entire world will soon stop dealing with them out of pure frustration.

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