Worst 21 Profiles in Time's 100 Most Influential

On Thursday, Time released its list of “The 100 Most Influential People.” Each profile of an “influential person” was written by another famous person. Suffice it to say that mixed in with the meritorious are myriad culture-destroying celebrities, faux heroes, and political cronies. They are influential. Just not the way Time thinks they are.

Here, then, are the top 21 worst profiles from the Time list. Get ready for some absolute doozies:

1. Beyoncé, by Sheryl Sandberg: That’s right! The new poster child for feminism, who simulates going down on her husband in music videos, performs for Muammar Qaddafi’s son, and accompanies her husband on trips to Cuba, is feted in Time by the COO of Facebook and founder of the covert pro-Hillary organization LeanIn.org. Sandberg, who now stays in the public eye by touting the victimization of women by modern society as she earns millions in stock from a wildly overvalued company, writes this:

Beyoncé doesn’t just sit at the table. She builds a better one….Beyoncé has insisted that girls “run the world” and declared, “I’m not bossy, I’m the boss.” She raises her voice both on- and offstage to urge women to be independent and lead….Her secret: hard work, honesty and authenticity. And her answer to the question, What would you do if you weren’t afraid? appears to be “Watch me. I’m about to do it.” Then she adds, “You can, too.”

Because there’s no way to stress female independence quite like shaking your ass before slavering males. And there’s no way to push the notion that women are independent and powerful quite like claiming perpetual victimhood as you sit in your plush mansion praising another one percenter.

[W]hile the founder of Tencent — the Chinese online giant that combines gaming and e-commerce with the QQ and WeChat messaging services — may have a low-key manner, he’s also an undisputed rock star….he hasn’t just built a successful business. In China’s unique cultural landscape — from its mobile-savvy population to its one-child families — he has tapped into something timeless and universal: a longing for connection.

Facebook is banned in China; Google does not make it into the market. Restricting competition and participating hand-in-glove with a government oppression over a billion people is a relatively easy way to make some cash.

3. Janet Yellen, by Christine Lagarde. Just some love being passed along from one inflationist IMF managing director, Lagarde, to America’s Federal Reserve chair. “With Janet now at the helm of the Fed, America, and the world, can also breathe a sigh of relief,” Lagarde writes. And what makes Yellen so great? Why, she’s a woman! “I had a big smile too,” Lagarde states. “Not because it was another first for women breaking glass ceilings, but because her nomination came to pass without much fanfare, since virtually everyone agreed that she was by far the best candidate for the job.”

4. Sheika al-Mayassa bint Hamad bin Khalifa al-Thani, by Takasha Murakami. Murakami is an artist. Sheika al-Mayassa is the sister of the emir of Qatar. Al-Mayassa sponsors art. Qatar is a dictatorship in which an oil-rich oligarchy runs the country. This is never mentioned in the piece.

5. The Koch Brothers, by Karl Rove. Yes, really.

6. Tom Steyer, by Al Gore. Yes, really. Steyer is the billionaire leftist who has poured tons of cash into Democratic campaigns, particularly those associated with global warming. Gore praises Steyer as a pioneer and suggests that he is fighting those who have been “hacking” American democracy. By spending millions of dollars on people like Al Gore, presumably.

7. Hillary Clinton, by Malala Yousafzai. You knew Hillary would make the list. After all, she hasn’t done anything this year, and is preparing to run for president. That means that she deserves a slot. The woman praising her: Yousafzai, a Pakistani activist who defied the Taliban to go to school. Because Hillary is such a warrior against oppression of women around the world, particularly in Afghanistan (where her State Department allowed negotiations with the Taliban), Iran (where her State Department did nothing), Pakistan (where her State Department accomplished nothing), Syria (where her State Department helped facilitate shipping of guns to terrorist groups), and Egypt (where her State Department backed the Muslim Brotherhood), among other areas of achievement. Yousafzai writes:

Hillary Clinton is a symbol of strength for women across the world.

Because women across the world have to overcome the burden of a wealthy upbringing, a Yale education, and a governor for a husband. Yousafzai continues:

She has been a source of strength for many women leaders, including myself, my family and those who stood by me after I was attacked. “Continue your mission, be strong, we believe in you” is what she said to me, my father and the rest of the Malala Fund team when we met her last year at the Clinton Global Initiative awards. Her life and leadership show women what we can achieve if we believe in our own strength and if we channel our inner creativity, compassion and determination. A world with more women leaders will be a better world, and Hillary Clinton is helping make that possible.

And thus the Time campaign for Hillary continues. It is no wonder that none of the Benghazi families were asked to contribute to the Clinton paean.

8. Jason Collins, by Chelsea Clinton. Hillary’s profile is immediately followed by Chelsea Clinton’s ode to gay basketball player Jason Collins, who was officially anointed as a national hero by the Obama administration and the media for ditching his female fiancé and coming out to widespread acclaim, and eventually a renewed basketball career and record jersey sales. Pioneering stuff! Chelsea, whose life accomplishments include being born, writes:

Jason has always been focused on others, on what’s right for those he loves, and on helping those whose jersey is the same as his.

Well, except for that troubling fiancé. She then writes that Collins called her before the Sports Illustrated cover story hit newsstands, presumably to receive her sage life advice based on her experience of having a last name. Clinton writes:

Jason’s kindness and fierceness alike derive from that word too often bandied about and too rarely true: integrity. Jason has always maintained he’s first a basketball player. He is. But he’s also a leader and an inspiration.

Well, except for that whole fiancé situation.

9. John Kerry, by Hillary Clinton. If you thought we were done with the Clintons, not so much. One unqualified and completely incompetent Secretary of State and past presidential candidate praises another in this ode to platitudinous crap:

Diplomacy is in John Kerry’s blood. As the son of a foreign-service officer, he grew up understanding that America’s destiny is entwined with that of the wider world.

He also understood that he could get famous by slandering American troops as war criminals, then run for office. More Hillary:

Diplomacy takes stamina, passion and perspective, and John embodies these traits. He is relentless in the face of the most persistent obstacles — keeping alive the dream of peace in the Middle East, standing up to Russia’s ongoing aggression in Ukraine, negotiating the removal of chemical weapons from Syria and signing an interim nuclear deal with Iran. And his work on climate change exemplifies these qualities. Addressing the dangers posed by global warming has long been a personal commitment for him. I know from experience just how hard this is. There’s nobody better suited to carry the cause forward than John Kerry. The people of the United States can be proud he’s representing America and its interests abroad. I know I am.

Keeping alive the dream of peace in the Middle East – by prompting a new deal between Hamas and the Palestinian Authority! Standing up to Russian aggression in Ukraine – by saying things that cause Putin to threaten invasion of Eastern Ukraine after annexing Crimea! Signing a deal with Iran – while Iran continues to develop nukes! Diplomacy!

10. Vladimir Putin, by Madeleine Albright. Another profile, another incompetent Secretary of State. This time, Albright writes that Putin has actually destroyed himself by taking a lead role in Syria, Iran, and annexing Crimea. “Russia has acquired territory but lost credibility,” Albright fulminates. Like Putin cares.

11. Richard Sherman, by Sean Gregory. One of Time magazine’s staff writers takes on this one. Sherman, the Seattle Seahawks cornerback whose hilarious and spontaneous rant against San Francisco 49ers receiver Michael Crabtree went viral, is labeled “influential” because that rant led some people to call him a thug – and then Sherman played the race card. That’s not hackneyed – that’s leadership, writes Gregory:

When critics labeled the dreadlocked defensive star a “thug,” Sherman, a Compton, Calif.-raised Stanford graduate, engaged the debate, asking if the term was today’s way of calling him the N word? In a heartbeat, Sherman altered the discourse and emerged as the smartest voice in the room. At a time when most pro athletes flee social questions, Sherman tackles them head on….So keep talking, Sherm. We have much more to learn.

Seriously? Sherman’s rant was awesome. His defense – not so much. But yelling “racist!” now makes you influential.

12. Jose Mujica, by Meghan McCain. Leaping on the “my last name makes me a qualified woman” bandwagon, Meghan “Dirty Sexy Politics” McCain writes her profile of Uruguay’s President Mujica, who legalized pot:

He doesn’t ride around in limousines, nor does he live in an opulent official residence. But that doesn’t make him any less of a leader than his counterparts elsewhere. Last year, he signed a new law making Uruguay the first country in the world to legalize the production and sale of marijuana.

Sean Penn loves Mujica. The people of Uruguay, not so much. Students in Uruguay recently scored the worst on international tests since 2003. Shootouts and armed robberies, according to the Associated Press, are on the upswing. The economy is now stagnating.

Occasionally in American pop culture, an icon emerges who captivates us and provides a vivid snapshot of who we are and the changing times in which we live….Kerry has offered up a fresh new archetype for what it means to lead while combining courage and compassion, strength and vulnerability, passion, steely discipline and unfailing loyalty.

Scandal sucks. So does this profile.

14. Miley Cyrus, by Dolly Parton. So this happened:

If I didn’t know how smart and talented Miley is, I might worry about her. But I’ve watched her grow up. So I don’t. She knows what she’s doing. She was very proud of the work she did as Hannah Montana, but people were gonna leave her there forever. And she was just smotherin’ and chokin’ in it. So she felt she had to do something completely drastic. And she did. She made her point, she made her mark, and more power to her….I did it my way, so why can’t she do it her way?

Well, Dolly, because you didn’t twerk on a dude twice your age and touch your vaginal region with a giant foam finger while sticking your tongue out in bizarrely diseased fashion. But female empowerment!!!1!

It took the West a decade to realize that bare-knuckle competition for regional influence was not a viable strategy for dealing with Iran. The recent interim agreement, facilitated by Rouhani’s low-key diplomacy, could have been reached 10 years ago. With mutual respect, confidence building and compromise, this step can be translated into a broad security and cooperation agreement, paving the way for a grand bargain with the West and a sea change in regional security and stability. Rouhani’s moderate leadership offers an opportunity that must not be missed: too much is at stake.

Rouhani has already stated that Iran will not give up its nuclear intentions.

16. Xi Jinping, by Jon Huntsman. The profile of the Chinese president is, sadly, not in Chinese.

17. Barack Obama, by Joe Klein. Even Klein can’t get on the Obama bandwagon for this one:

The President has had a rough year. His policies have been solid, especially overseas, but his execution has been sloppy to the point of disastrous.

Harsh words from a columnist who had to put down his drool cup to type with both hands.

He has worked tirelessly to ensure equal justice, even when some try to tip the scale in favor of a select few….Holder uses his power to defend Americans’ freedoms and thus our values of democracy and justice.

Paging George Orwell…paging George Orwell…your courtesy car has arrived.

19. Jerry Brown, by Gray Davis. Gray Davis was such a poor governor that he was recalled in favor of Arnold Schwarzenegger. Now he’s back, praising Jerry Brown as California’s savior for radically raising taxes:

Always ahead of his time, he’s focused on fighting climate change, improving poorly performing schools, building America’s first high-speed rail and overhauling California’s broken water system — supporting America’s largest agricultural economy. No longer the new kid, he’s now the adult in the room — the wise steward of our state’s resources.

California’s total state and local debt: over $1.1 trillion. Brown wants to spend $100 billion on a bullet train, and refuses to build new prisons to prevent the release of high-risk offenders into the general public. But he’s a saint!

20. Robert Redford, by Harvey Weinstein. Watching the consummate bully praise the consummately overpraised filmmaker (last good film: Quiz Show, 1994) is somewhat nauseating. What makes it more nauseating is these two hard-core liberals yukking it up rich people style:

He has only one fault. Over the past 20 years, we’ve been going out to lunch. Bob always gets away without paying the bill. I saw him a couple of months ago and reminded him of that, and he said, “You pick the place and the expensive wine and I’m in.” We dined for 31⁄2 hours, drank expensive wine and told some whoppers of stories. As we walked out of Graydon Carter’s Monkey Bar, the woman came for the check. Bob patted his pants and sport jacket and said he didn’t have his wallet. It was as good a performance as I’ve seen, and made me laugh so hard that I put it on my account.

21. Pope Francis, by Barack Obama. It’s rare for God himself to descend and write an ode to the Pope, but Time somehow managed that accomplishment. In this sop to the Pope, Obama focused entirely on Francis’ economic leftism as opposed to his social conservatism — and implicitly connected himself with the Pope:

Rare is the leader who makes us want to be better people. Pope Francis is such a leader.