Sunday, September 13, 2009

Gratitude After a Relapse

The Drug Addict’s Lament

the dope the dope the dope shrieking at you in the cupboard open the door the sleight of handstealing on Easter for Christ’s sake how can youthe dope the dope the dopeshrieking so loud you hear nothing but its call from the cupboardso you open the door on Easterrolling the stone away from the tomband free the dope the dope the dopeshuddering with shame and gladness leaping into the tomb

Today I'm grateful for the freedom I have through the power of my God.

The BB says, "The fact is that most alcoholics, for reasons yet obscure, have lost the power of choice in drink. Our so-called will power becomes practically nonexistent. We are unable, at certain times, to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago. We are without defense against the first drink."

It's part of my story that I was sober one Easter morning, and on a visit to my aunt I stole her painkillers--without a single thought about my sobriety! I'd had 15 years and drank again (see My Story), then got 14 months both clean and sober, then came that Easter morning and the attack of the "strange mental twist."

So today I keep a close walk with my Higher Power and I work extensively with other alcoholics. One of the meditations in my "Twenty-four Hours a Day" book has been a help to me:

"Keep as close as you can to the Higher Power. Try to think, act, and live as though you were always in God's presence. Keeping close to a power greater than yourself is the solution to most of the earth's problems. Try to practice the presence of God in the things you think and do. Abide in the Lord and rejoice in His love."

"Nothing will so much insure immunity from drinking as intensive work with other alcoholics!"

I am doubly grateful that my Higher Power has put newcomers in my life. They give me joy when all else fails. Today I'm off to the beach with Julia, to read the eighth step and go to an open-mike poetry reading. It doesn't get any better than that!

10 comments:

THank you for sharing this. With my Ex-partner being first actively drinking and now a dry drunk, I appreciated any inside in an addicts mind. However my one isnt drinking, but not seeking recovery either. Spiraling down by now and his behaviour becomes as unberaable as during drinking time. I so much love to learn about what is going on inside him. Thanks again for sharing and being out there. Hugs across the pond

I just love step work on the beach too! There is something so spiritual about the sea...the sounds, the smell. We are blessed to live near the ocean. I am so grateful you made it back...so many never do.

Hi ChrisThank you for coming by.I think your blog is really good, what you write is moving and your poems are great. I love the photos too. I am glad about your family and recovery.Thanks for following me.

It is an interesting thing to see the path others have walked down and to realize that even though unique there is much sameness in the way people walk. Personally I feel demons and the fear they are so good at evoking are for eating. *burp* 'scuse me. I'm much stronger now that I have been fed.

I found your blog through another that I follow.Your poetry is great. I just recently had a recovering friend go back out due to pain meds. (she's so far gone she doesn't see it that way,sigh) Cunning, baffling, and powerful!Really enjoyed your bolg, I'll be a regular. jeNN

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About Me

I'm a poet, gardener, and freelance writer who lives in California by the coast, in a small town surrounded by pastures, woods, and vineyards. Other things I am: recovering LA magazine editor and recovering alcoholic, wife of a tolerant man, mom to two beautiful daughters, mistress of beagles and cats, lover of mysteries and photography, a survivor of suicide, depression, addiction, and sundry minor ailments. I write for a living and write poetry for life.

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My strength lies solely in my tenacity. (Louis Pasteur)

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"This life therefore is not righteousness, but growth in righteousness, not health, but healing, not being but becoming, not rest but exercise. We are not yet what we shall be, but we are growing toward it, the process is not yet finished, but it is going on, this is not the end, but it is the road." (Martin Luther)

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My AA Recovery Story

I got sober in 1990 after a life of drug and alcohol addiction, and I had 15 wonderful years. Then I moved and left my homegroup behind. I didn't replace my sponsor, who had died. I didn't work with newcomers, and I went to only one meeting a week. Ultimately, I didn't stay sober. I experienced that strange mental twist, and I picked up. But I jumped back into the program, and my life has continually gotten better. I'm married to a man with 23 years of sobriety, and we work our program at home. AA is the hub the wheel of my life revolves around. I've been able to explore a creative side of my personality that once lived only under the influence of drugs. I have perfect moments during each of my precious days. We are none of us invulnerable to that strange mental twist that precedes the first drink, and all that stands between us and the drink is our constant thought of others. My prayer these days is: God, do your will in and through me today. If I can be an inspiration to others, then my life is rich. God bless you all.

Rosebud on Ice

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