Sunday, December 23, 2012

I finally feel it... the holiday season. It usually creeps up on me each year, and this one is no different. I never really start feeling the spirit until a few days before Christmas, and I am happy to say that I am now settling in... it truly is the holidays :) My tree and house decorations have been up since the weekend after Thanksgiving, but it finally clicked... time to relax and take in all the beauty of the season.And, we have so much to celebrate this year. My little man continues to be the light of our lives, and our new little man, due to make his appearance in a little over a month, will fit right in.We are busy getting everything situated for Baby #2's arrival. This pregnancy has just been so incredibly different... not only has time absolutely FLOWN, but everything seems much more calm. We put together his nursery, bought new bottles, have diapers situated, clothes ready to go (one amazing perk of having same-sex siblings... all of Max's clothes/boy-themed toys, etc. will be reused!), and many, many other details figured out. It was all just so relaxed this time around - I remember being so uptight and perfect with Max's pregnancy, and this one is way more chill.We already have some things to expect with this little one... on top of the cyst uncovered at the 20-week ultrasound (which has now almost completely gone away, thank goodness), our little guy also has one kidney that is more dilated than the other. Basically, this may mean that something is causing a small portion of his urine to push back up into his kidney. It could also mean absolutely nothing... his kidney is measuring 1 mm larger than what falls within "normal" range - and this could be "normal" for him. Who knows. Nothing for us to do right now...our little man will likely have an ultrasound performed during the first few weeks of his life to see if his kidney is back to normal - which is what typically happens in most babies who have dilated kidneys.If this would have happened with Max, I would have been an absolute wreck. But with this baby, we are taking it in stride - there's nothing we can do about it, we have an otherwise-very-healthy baby, and it's all in God's hands, not mine. So we will pray that he is born healthy, just like his older brother, and that everything works out.I hope all of my bloggie friends are enjoying the couple of days before Christmas - I love following each of your stories and the connections we've made. Many blessings for an amazing holiday season with family and friends!XOXOMrs. D

Saturday, November 17, 2012

Hello! It's been over a month since I posted... wow. I have been checking in on all of your blogs on my phone, but it's nearly impossible for me to comment and post to my own blog. I've also found myself in a blogging rut... what's important to write about? What's relevant? What does my blog stand for? I am definitely at what feels like a weird point and I am trying to figure out what my vision for this blog is. It's certainly changed over time, so please bear with me as I try to figure it out :)Life is good - we are 29 weeks pregnant and getting more excited by the day to welcome this little man to our family. This pregnancy is SO DIFFERENT than my pregnancy with Max. The first time around, I counted every single day until my due date. I was scared shitless that I would miscarry again until I heard him screaming as he was pulled out of me. I had every single detail of pregnancy, labor, and caring for a newborn planned out. I spent so much time taking care of myself and resting. This time? Time has absolutely FLOWN and I can't even believe we will have another baby in 10 weeks. I am SO less stressed - I know that everything is completely out of my hands and all I can do is pray for a healthy baby. I drink decaf coffee this time around. I am never able to rest... Mr. D is really helping me to find time to do so, but it's not really possible with a 15-month busy toddler and a full-time job. It's just a different experience to be a pregnant MOM instead of a pregnant WOMAN. I am really challenging myself to love every second of the next 10 weeks, as I absolutely love being pregnant and will miss it very much once Baby #2 - very likely our last child - is born.I've learned of 3 friends/co-workers in the past couple of months who are struggling in different ways with infertility. My long-time personal challenge with IF has been being open, confident, and talking about it. My heart absolutely breaks for these wonderful women. The feelings of IF and dealing with the emotions just never go away, and it is just so unfair that others have to experience the pain of it all. I am trying to figure out my place in the "parenting after IF" world, as I still feel very connected to the struggles.That's all for today... once Max wakes up from his nap, we are headed outside to enjoy the amazing 50 degree weather! Not always common for mid-November in Minnesota, so I'll take it :)Happy weekend!- Mrs. D

Monday, October 15, 2012

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day - October 15. Although I've been absolutely blessed with my beautiful son and our new baby boy growing in my belly, I would be completely remiss if I didn't honor my first little baby today - the one we lost too soon.Things happen for a reason. Whether you believe that reason is based on belief, faith, or just plain luck (or lack there of), I happen to personally believe that God has a plan. When we lost our first little baby, I swore I would never, ever understand why. I couldn't comprehend why the loss happened. Looking back, I still can't quite answer why... I never will be able to. However, I know that my life is full because of my little Maxwell. He was part of God's plan for us. And we've been given the gift of a second child, one we wanted so badly to complete our family. If we wouldn't have lost our first baby, maybe we would have never got Max or his new little brother... and that thought scares me to death.Today I remember my first pregnancy we achieved after years of trying to conceive - I remember the feelings I felt when I saw those positive HPTs, the excitement Mr. D and I felt when we first hugged each other, knowing that our dream of becoming parents was finally coming true. Those wonderful memories were taken from us far too soon with a miscarriage and the upcoming, horrible struggle of trying, trying, and trying again.Today I think of you, my little baby.To all those who also lost babies too soon, I am thinking of you this evening and honoring your little angels.

Thursday, October 11, 2012

Career. It's a word that has literally defined me for years. And when I see myself type that, it seems depressing... makes me pause and think, "Seriously?? Your career has defined you? Sad." Of course, career is not the only word that defines me, but it ranks among the top few.

But I love it. Of course, there is more to me than work... I have a wonderful family, an amazing husband, great friends, faith-based beliefs, etc., etc., etc. But I love work. I love my company, I love my co-workers (many, many of which are my friends), and I love (for the most part) corporate culture. I love the pressure, I love the stress (sometimes), and I love when people look to me for answers or insight.

When Mr. D and I started down our long journey to conceive, I knew my focus on work would change, which was totally fine with me. Of course, our journey took a LOT longer than expected, so by the time our little man joined us, I had been busting my booty and progressing my career for over a decade. When I went back to work after maternity leave, I didn't feel as torn as I thought I would, based on what I had heard from other mothers. I kept hearing horror stories about how hard it would be to go back to work, and the whole time I would be at work, all I would be thinking about is my kid.

Is it hard to keep the same pace at work as before? Oh, hell yeah. It's really hard. But somehow, my type-A personality tells my skeptical side, "Come on... you know how to rock it at work... make it happen." And so I do. But, damn, am I tired. Somehow I am managing to keep the same pace at work, and be a full-time mother. I DO think about my child when I am at work... a lot. I wish I was with him, but not all the time. He needs interaction with his friends at daycare. He has learned so much from other kids and from his daycare provider... I would never want to deprive him of that experience.

So - I've been weighing my options. I would never want to give up my work and career. I obviously love my child (soon to be children) more than anything and want to spend more time with them.

So - I struck a deal with myself... and with my company. I created a job-share proposal, which basically allows me to work three days per week at 60% pay, with my job only demanding 60% of the usual 100% I deliver today. The pay cut will be a big deal - Mr. D and I both do just fine, but to cut such a significant chunk will have an impact. But I've been saving and preparing for this... and the cut will be just fine. It will allow me two weekdays home with my kids, which I think is the perfect amount of time. They will still get the benefit of going to daycare three days of the week while I am at work, and the other two days will be dedicated to them... hopefully filled with play dates, activities, and things for us to do together. It will also give me time to do the run-of-the-mill things... laundry, Target shopping, house cleaning... all of the things that are now being crammed in to our already-packed weekends.

My proposal was approved, and I have a couple additional factors to figure out before it all begins. Not sure if that will be before 2012 is over, or if we will wait until after my maternity leave... I am the one who is determining timing for the most part. Either way, I am flexible and happy that I am being afforded this opportunity.

I am considering this to be the best of both worlds for me: allowing me to drive my career in a different way now that I am also a mother, and allowing me time to be with my children more than what I can do now.

Thursday, October 4, 2012

C-section. Definitely not the way I expected Max's birth to end, but after nearly 30 hours of labor and only dilating to a 5, it was a done deal.I never started Max's labor thinking that it would end in a C-section, but, after being in labor for that long with my cervix starting to swell and actually do the opposite of dilating, there wasn't much of a choice.And, truly... it was not bad at all. The C-section itself, the recovery afterwards... it all was not how the books paint the picture. I was warned about picking my newborn up too quickly, climbing stairs, exercising... you name it. But the first day home from the hospital, I climbed our 16-stair staircase up to the nursery, back downstairs, and repeated a few times... not painful at all. I was back to running a few miles within a couple weeks after the surgery... again, not a big deal.So, my Doctor has asked me the question about my preferences for this birth. Do I prefer to attempt delivery, or should we schedule a C-section?No hesitation here: sign me up for another C-section.We made this decision very early on in my pregnancy for a few reasons. First, the chances that I could actually progress and deliver this time are lower than the average mother. A lot of VBACs result in an eventual emergency surgery (especially those that occur within a few years of the first time the mother had a C-section), and I'd prefer not to be rushed into emergency surgery because the baby is having trouble, my uterus ruptures, or anything else.Second, my baby will stay inside of me - stress-free - as long as possible before I am cut open and he is brought into this world. So many benefits to that.And, third... this one may be selfish... Mr. D and I think it sounds INCREDIBLY peaceful to wake up early, have plans for who is going to watch Max, have everything situated, drive to the hospital, have a quick surgery, and by mid-morning, be snuggling with our new little baby. Maybe it's because I am a crazy planner, but I think it sounds amazing to have everything planned out and know what and when to expect everything to go down...... which is why I went ahead and scheduled Baby #2's big arrival date. I will pause here and say the most eerie thing about having a repeat C-section is scheduling your child's birthday... kind of weird.Our C-section is scheduled for Wednesday, January 30 at 7:30 a.m. I need to be at the hospital by 5:45 for surgery prep, and baby will be born by 9:00. I will be out of recovery by 10:00, and Mr. D and I plan to be sipping on coffees and enjoying our new bundle by mid-morning.Of course, our little man may choose to come early (although I doubt it... Max was 4 days late, and was not even ready to come yet) - at which time, we'd need to decide if we want to try a VBAC or do an emergency C-section. I am not sure what I would do at that point... not even sure I need a plan for that situation. If it happens, we'll see what my body is doing at the time, and decide from there.I know so many people have different opinions on this, but thought I would share my plan. As long as our little man enters the world safely, that's all I can pray for.

Saturday, September 29, 2012

It's been far too long. Reasons I can offer for being so absent from my blog include: extreme busyness, exhaustion at night when I finally do sit down to tinker around on the internet, chasing a running toddler around my house, etc., etc., etc.To say that life with a toddler is busy is an absolute understatement. Our little Max is not so little anymore... he is over 13 months, running all over the place, over 30 pounds, and the absolute center of this family. The little things he picks up every day are so amazing (learning to turn the light switch on and off was yesterday's big win), and I count my blessings all the time.On the baby #2 front... things are going really, really well. We found out the gender two weeks ago... and it's another BOY! I thought all along that this little one was a boy - I just had this feeling that was so strong (something I never felt when carrying Max). And we wanted another boy... for Max to grow up with a brother 17 months younger than him is more than I ever could have prayed for. However, there was a period of time - a couple hours or so - after we found out during the ultrasound that I sat back and thought, "Huh. So this means we will never have a daughter." This is definitely our last child - for many reasons... another post for another day... and to have that moment of reflection really made me pause and think about what our lives will be like. If you would have told me three years ago that I would soon be the mother of two boys, I would have never believed it. But, boy am I happy now :) I am so incredibly thankful for this little guy growing inside of me, and we can not wait for him to join his big brother.The only "pregnancy scare" so far has been that, after my 20 week ultrasound, I had a regular monthly check-up where my doctor reviewed the results of the ultrasound with us. Our little guy has a cyst on his skull - not brain, thankfully - which are pretty common (many babies have them, but they fade within weeks, so depending on when the ultrasound takes place within a mother's pregnancy, who knows if they show up on a scan). I had all of the 12-week screening completed, and our chances for the chromosomal abnormalities were 1 in 10,000. The 12-week screening "overrides" what would be seen via ultrasound, since the screening is way more accurate by testing my blood. So - she left it up to us... no action needed, or decide to have a Level 2 ultrasound. We chose the latter, and had another ultrasound last week. The cyst is still there, and looks "normal." We met with a neonatal specialist doctor, and he basically told us that our baby looks great and the cyst is not a concern at all based on my 12-week screen and additional bloodwork they requested I have completed. Our chances of chromosomal abnormalities are now back to the 1 in 10,000 ratio because we opted for the additional measuring via ultrasound and bloodwork with nothing found.The whole Level 2 thing would have freaked me out during my pregnancy with Max, but this time I feel so much different. Everything is completely out of my hands and I have to trust that my baby is totally healthy.Other than that, not a whole lot else going on. I have a whole other post to write another day regarding my plans for returning to work after Baby #2 is born. This year of full-time working and full-time motherhood has been a LOT, and with two kids under two years old, I truly don't know how it all will come together. So, my company is allowing me to create a job share with my current role - which will be AWESOME. My pay will be 60% of what I make today, but I will only work 3 days a week - likely Wednesdays, Thursdays, Fridays. I've been financially planning for this type of transition since before Max was born, and I know we are in a good spot - it's just taking the leap of faith to make it happen. I know I will be a better mother if I am able to dedicate a couple of days to my children, and I know I will be a better person at work if I am only expected to deliver 60% of what I am today within 3 days per week. I am thinking of it as the best of both worlds - I absolutely love my job and company and can not imagine leaving, but I need a bit of a break. I also know that I would never want to be a stay-at-home-mother full-time, but I think this whole family could benefit from more mother-and-kids time. So, more to come on that and my upcoming transition soon.I check all of your blogs frequently! I typically do so when I am on the bus - in between where I park my car and my workplace - therefore, making it impossible to comment. I am planning to get some comments out there tomorrow. I am following all of your journeys!Happy Autumn Day :)XOXOMrs. D

Saturday, August 18, 2012

My little monkey was born one year ago. Yesterday was his birthday, and it was so incredibly crazy to reflect back on what I was thinking, feeling, and experiencing. After years of crappy infertility issues, we were blessed with this little miracle, and we had no idea how much he would change our lives. In some ways, the year has flown. But in so many others, it has been one hell of a year - one full of ups and downs, new memories, new experiences, lots of kisses, many emotions, several challenges, and more love than our hearts knew we could give.We held his birthday party today with friends and family, and had a great time celebrating this little person who has filled so many people's lives with joy and love.Happy birthday to my little Maxwell!On the Baby #2 front, I am a bit over 16 weeks, and loving every moment of pregnancy. I have such a strong feeling that this baby is a boy... I feel and look the exact same way as when I was pregnant with Max. Either way, we are truly excited. Baby continues to grow and is starting to pop out more and more. We have our regular monthly doctor appointment on Tuesday morning, and I am dying to hear that heartbeat. I think I've felt baby fluttering around here and there, but until I can feel some good kicks, I just need that heartbeat reassurance.I'll leave you with a picture of the one year old man of my life - taken a few days ago. Hope everyone is well!XOXO - Mrs. D

Monday, July 23, 2012

An infertile (no matter where her stage... working to welcome home baby, currently TTC, pregnant, already had a baby...) always holds her breath with every stage of pregnancy. Every step, every ultrasound, every milestone... they are all important, and we all worry. All the time.

Today was no different. I worried all day that my little bean would be found not breathing. I don't know why I thought that, but I did. My guard was up walking in, hand-in-hand with Mr. D, into the ultrasound room.

But no reason for worry... as soon as the tech put the ultrasound probe on my belly, there he/she was :) Baby was alive, with a beating heart, and resting. Baby moved around a little bit during our 30 minutes seeing the new love of our lives, but for the most part, he/she was in the perfect position for measurements and was just pretty chill. Baby's hand was up by his/her eyebrow (just like Max did at his 12-week ultrasound!), and was kicking around a little bit, but for the most part, he/she was kicking back and enjoying showing off his/herself.

Baby passed all of the tests the tech could visually see and measure - of course there are more tests that I won't know results of for a couple weeks - but overall, the baby looks healthy and happy. Heartbeat was 161bpm.

So, overall, an awesome appointment, and so incredibly wonderful to take a sigh of relief... if only until the next milestone :)

Sunday, July 22, 2012

Lots of random updates today... not really sure, but I feel the need to thought-vomit :) So, here goes:

My baby boy turned 11 months, and we are busy planning for his first birthday. So many people say things to the effect of, "Where does the time go?," "Wow, can you believe he's almost a year?," or "Time flies, doesn't it?" For me, not so much. I mean, sure, reflecting back on the days of having a newborn doesn't seem like yesterday... it feels like it was about a year ago. Every stage and every day/week/month has been a complete change of lifestyle, and I can totally believe 11 months have gone by.

Baby #2 is growing. I remember not really "popping" with Max until about 16-18 weeks, and with this one, I am having trouble hiding my growing stomach. We've shared with our parents and a few friends, but still haven't shared with many people. We have our 12-week ultrasound tomorrow, which I think will make Mr. D feel even better... like this is even more real. My boss is on vacation this week, so I will plan to tell her the week after, and share with my direct reports and team afterwards. Time with Baby #2 is flying... I think it's a combination of my mother being ill, it being summer, Max keeping me busy, work being busy, and just life in general being busy. We're hoping and praying that this baby continues to be healthy and happy.

Do I want a girl or a boy? One one hand, a girl would be great... we would have one of each, and our family would balance out, gender-wise. On the other hand, I think it would be so cool for Max to have a brother who is 17 months younger. I absolutely love my little boy, and would love to have another. All signs (old wives' tales, Chinese gender calendars, etc.) point to BOY. The only differences between my pregnancy with Max and this one are that this time I am craving sweet things - ice cream, fruit, etc. (with Max, I never really craved anything, although I ate a lot of pickles), and have had a few moments of nausea (with Max, I never once felt queasy). Who knows :) We will be extremely happy either way.

Mom is still sick. After 6 weeks, she was released from the hospital and is now in a physical rehabilitation center until further notice... likely a couple months. She can't move her legs, sit up, or basically move anything. It's been a really stressful, crappy time for my family - especially Mom, who is in a significant amount of pain. Makes me pause and think about how much we all need to value every single moment.

Monday, July 9, 2012

I know some of you must think I am crazy for loving this great state where I live. Minnesota - land of 10,000 lakes.

It's also the land of extreme seasons - we truly get the best of all four of them. Winters are damn cold (I know this is probably what you all think of when you think of northern states), autumns are gorgeous and full of crisp air and beautiful colors, springtime is green, sometimes rainy, and fresh. And then there are summers. The past two weeks have been 95-110 degrees and HUMID. So hot, in fact, that most people don't even go outside... everyone stays inside with the air conditioning.

I know I might be nerdy to be talking about the weather, but seriously... it has been HOT. I am not complaining whatsoever. We deal with so much snow and ice in the winter that I will take 100 degrees any day over the cold, dreary winter days.

Okay, so on to new topics.

Thanks to everyone for their kind notes about my mother... she is still in the hospital, and not leaving for awhile. She is one sick lady. She will be okay eventually, but is in for more surgeries and then some intensive physical rehabilitation. It's so sad to see a woman who was otherwise healthy and mobile be committed to a hospital bed because of an infection that anyone could get at anytime. It's so scary and so sad. Life is so incredibly fragile, and I am reminded of that every time I see how weak my poor mama is. Thanks for continuing to keep her in your thoughts and prayers :)

I had an appointment with my OB today. It was my first official prenatal appointment. We heard the heartbeat :) It absolutely makes my day to hear that beautiful beating heart and is the most reassuring sound in the world. Today, he/she had a heart rate at 173bpm. It seemed high to me, but our midwife reassured us that it's perfect and there are no concerns.

They also changed my due date based on my last period. I know what day I ovulated, and based on my early ultrasound, I was tracking at 9 weeks, 6 days. However, they prefer to count from my last period and remeasure with my next ultrasound. And, so, they changed my due date to February 1. This means that, God-willing, if everything works out and this baby is healthy, he/she will be born at the end of January. I am opting for a repeat C-section (more on this decision in another post for another day), and my doctor likes to deliver repeat C-sections at 38 or 39 weeks. So, looks like we will have a January baby - that is, if we are lucky enough that this baby is healthy, can stick it out with me, and enter this world to meet his/her big brother Max :)

With the recalculation of my due date, this means I am 10 weeks, 3 days. I need to get the NT scan and 12-week ultrasound completed by 12.5 weeks, so we will be going back in within the next couple weeks to see our little bean again. And then we will start to share our big news IRL. I am excited, but scared and nervous... the feelings of infertility just keep pinging away. I doubt they will ever go away. Damn you, IF. But, on the other hand, thank you, IF, for showing me how very sensitive and precious life really is. I am blessed to have my little Max and this new little life growing inside of me.

Friday, June 22, 2012

I have been SO absent from blogging, and I am sorry. Long, long, long story made short... my mother was admitted to the hospital on June 11, and is still in the ICU. It's a long, detailed story that I won't get into on my blog, but I have been at the hospital every day since. The hospital she is at is about 75 minutes from my house, so on top of balancing Max, work, and visiting my mother, I have literally had NO TIME. Mom will be fine... she is hopefully on her way to recovery, but it's been a crazy ride.

I am so far behind that I haven't had time to post about my ultrasound! So, between visits at the hospital with my mother, Mr. D and I escaped for a little while to go to another hospital (where my OB's office is) for our ultrasound last Friday, 6/15. After getting situated in the stirrups with the internal ultrasound device, we got to see our little bean :) He or she was measuring 6 weeks, 3 days (exactly what I had estimated based on my ovulation and BD dates). And - the best part - there was a heartbeat :) 116 bpm. I asked if that seemed low (Max always ranged from 130-160s), but she said for someone in their 6th week, 116 bpm is pretty good.

So, it is official... there is a little bean growing inside, and I could not be more excited. With my mother being hospitalized, time is going pretty quickly, which is sort-of nice. My #1 focus right now is my mother (and Max, of course), so I haven't been dwelling on every single day of pregnancy like I did with Max. Whatever is to be is to be and I believe that God will take care of us... I trust that things will work out if they are supposed to.

So, there's the report :) Next up: 10 week appointment on July 10.

Estimated due date = February 5, 2013

I have been following along on my friends' blogs, but haven't been able to comment while in the hospital waiting room. I will try to get to commenting this weekend!

Sunday, June 10, 2012

Wow... the weather here in MN has been GORGEOUS! It was 92 degrees today, sunny with a warm breeze. While Max took a nap this morning, I sat out and just soaked in the warmth. I just love summer :)

Life has been good - it was a great weekend, and we're already on to a new week. Crazy how the weekend days fly by. I am usually so bummed on Sundays that tomorrow will start a new work week, but this week, I am ready to get the show on the road... only 5 days until our ultrasound! I am just praying that our little bean is safe and sound in there, with a strong heart beating away. I have a really busy, meeting-packed week, so I am hoping the time flies.

As far as symptoms go, I haven't felt super tired like I did during my first trimester with Max. I am definitely a bit more tired, but I remember literally being exhausted and in bed by 7 pm the first time around. Maybe it's because I don't have that option this time... I want to be awake in the evenings as long as possible so that I can spend time with my little man. My boobs don't hurt nearly as much as I remember the first time, either... maybe it's because my boobs don't feel anything sensitive anymore after a breast reduction 10 years ago and attempted breastfeeding for a month? Of course, I dwell on all of this... does my lack of symptoms (or lack-there-of) mean something bad?

I know every pregnancy is different, but I am driving myself crazy. I just want to see our new little one and am praying that he/she is healthy, alive, and growing.

I'll post once I learn more after our Friday ultrasound.

Hope everyone is enjoying the weekend, and wherever you are, I hope the weather is as beautiful as it is here.

Thursday, May 31, 2012

They took my blood for Beta #2 this afternoon - absolutely PRAYING that my number went up significantly.

I hear back tomorrow. If my number is good, I am to schedule an ultrasound in two weeks. So, I am trying to think through if I schedule it for Friday, 6/15 or Monday, 6/18. I should probably wait until 6/18 - give our little bean time to grow so that we can see that beautiful heartbeat.

That's of course assuming this bean is a sticky one.... oh, Lord, I do hope and pray this little baby is with me for the long haul!

Sunday, May 27, 2012

Thanks so much, ladies, for the super sweet comments and e-mails - I so appreciate it :)

Just so that I can keep everything documented for myself, here were my symptoms over the past couple weeks:

2 DPO: Learned from OB that I ovulated (confirmed through blood test)3 DPO: Extremely hungry - just could not get full. I ate all day long4 DPO: Slight cramps5 DPO: More cramps6 DPO: More cramps, and my lower back and hips ached all day7 DPO: Threw up at about 2 a.m. This was extremely weird - I thought for sure I had food poisoning or something, because the rest of the night, I tossed and turned with major stomach cramps. Cramps continued throughout the day.8 DPO: Woke up, peed, and wiped... sorry if TMI... and there was dried blood. I never had implantation bleeding with Max, but this immediately popped into my mind as an answer for why I had such bad cramping. Took a HPT. Negative.9 DPO: Nothing.10 DPO: Positive HPTs.

We are very excited, and very cautious - there's just such a long way to go until 12 weeks (let alone bringing home a healthy, live baby), and I am just praying that this little bean sticks.

I am going in for a beta on Tuesday - hoping that those #s are continuing to rise!!

Saturday, May 26, 2012

I can't quite believe it. You know, actually, yes, I can. I just had this feeling all week... I knew I was pregnant. I could feel it. I've been having some symptoms (I'll save for another post), and just "felt" pregnant. But, as much as I thought I was pregnant, seeing a positive test still can put a girl into shock.

I woke up at 7:00 a.m., and pondered taking a test. Who was I kidding... I knew I would test. So I walked into our master bath, took out a cheapy test (I had this all planned out - if the cheap one showed negative, I would take another, better one anyway to "prove" it). I peed in a cup, dipped the stick, and waited. After two minutes of washing my face, I glanced down and saw the dark control line. My initial thought was, "Crap. Negative," but my sleepy eyes did a double-take. Another beautiful, lighter pink line was present, too.

I quickly dipped a FR.ER, and within seconds... the same result. Pregnant, but a fairly light test line.

So, ladies, I decided to go big or go home. I busted out the CB Digital, and literally, within 15 seconds, the most beautiful word was staring me back in the face.

I grabbed the digital and hopped back into bed with Mr. D. He rolled over and said, "Good Morning," with his eyes still closed.

"LOOK AT THIS!" I said, much more loudly.

He grabbed the test, stared at it, looked at me, looked back at the test, looked at me again, and said, "Is this thing for real?"

I guess that's what I get for shoving a positive HPT in his face at 7 a.m. on a weekend when we are supposed to be sleeping in.

I am so incredibly happy and know that this is just step one of many, many, many hurdles and milestones to reach. I can't help but reflect on my miscarriage - how excited we were to receive the positive result, not thinking that it could all be taken away. For now, all I can do is be excited and patient as I take care of this little bean. Please continue to be sticky, little one!

If you know me IRL, please keep this secret... we are not going to be telling ANYONE in our lives anytime soon. Thank you for respecting us :)

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

I am 8DPO (or 7DPO, depending on how I calculate) today. I was trying so, so, so hard to hold off, but it was like an out-of-body experience... as if I was dreaming, I grabbed an HPT right when I got up and peed. Negative. I know it's too early to test, but I was hoping for that glimmer of a positive line. But, no. Those dang tests are so tempting.

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Clomid worked, and I'm ovulating. We all know what this means... timed BD sessions, bloodwork in a couple days, watching for symptoms, driving myself crazy wondering if I am pregnant, and praying for a miracle.

It's so weird this time around. Before I was pregnant with Max, I was on a monthly rollercoaster ride... waiting, testing, BDing, getting hopes up, peeing on HPTs, and sadly welcoming AF each month. This time is so incredibly different.

I HAVE a miracle. My little Max is the best gift, and because I conceived, carried, and gave birth to a live child, I know my body can do it. But that doesn't mean it will be an easier road to get there the second time. I pray that it works - quickly - but who knows? Maybe it will take a month, maybe years.

On one hand, I remind myself that I am so incredibly, incredibly lucky. If this month doesn't work out, I still have my miracle, and I am blessed. And we have many, many more months to try again. But I want one more sooner than later... and in order to achieve it, it's almost more nerve-wracking this time around. What if it doesn't work at all? Will I endure months, years of stress like last time? What if I never get pregnant again?

All I know is that I am so, so blessed to have what I have in my little boy, but our family is not yet complete. I am praying for one more miracle.

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Decided to call in sick today. Max was up at 1:15 a.m., and just now is taking a nap. He has three teeth coming in on top, and has been cranky and sad this week. I just couldn't send him to daycare, and I was exhausted. So, Max and I are at home today. Although I told my boss and direct reports I would be out, business still goes on, and I will be on conference calls the rest of the afternoon. It's hard to truly disconnect from work, even when other things are going on that take priority.

So, instead of working, I am posting to my blog. How's that for productivity?!

Life has been good. Busy, but good. I often feel guilty for not posting more often, but then I remember that I have two major jobs (career and being a mama) on top of other high priorities, and I have to remind myself not to feel bad. There's just never a free moment. One thing that I DO need to get better at is commenting... I am checking in on and reading all of your blogs, but just never log in to Blogger to comment (BTW - I HATE Blogger's new layout... sounds like a lot of people feel the same). I'm sorry. I will do better at commenting.

TTC #2 is in full speed ahead. I am on CD13 after 5 days of Clomid. I am sure hoping that my tubes are still clear from my lap surgery last year, and that I ovulate. If history repeats itself, I am expecting to ovulate late (maybe around CD20 or so). We are giving it our all and praying for a second miracle. Max needs a little sister or brother :)

Saturday, April 21, 2012

I am sitting at my dining room table, looking out at Mr. D spreading crabtree-weed killer on this dreary day. Max is sitting about 5 feet away from me, playing with his massive pile of toys. I am munching on some Sta.cy's Pita Chips (if you have never had them, you MUST pick them up... although pricey for pita chips, they are AMAZING) and just had my first sip of the evening of red wine. Yes, it's only 4 pm - I am starting my personal happy hour a bit early today. And it feels good.

So, lots to update. Where to begin... well, since I am sipping on red wine, I guess we all can safely assume I'm not pregnant. Actually, it's not an assumption at all. I'm not pregnant. It's CD46 for me... no AF, but no BFP either. Not sure what the hell is going on - my body just can not regulate and give me a normal cycle. I don't get it. But, I guess abnormal is normal for me. I'll give it another few days and call my OB for another prescription to give me AF back. I just hate that I'll have to go in for blood work to prove I'm not pregnant before starting another cycle yet again. It's such a slap in the face to do blood work when you know you're not pregnant. Frustrating.

Max turned 8 months, and like every other newer-mother, I do not know where the time went. He is all over the place - rolling, army-scooting, crawling, finger-walking, standing up on furniture... it's crazy. He still has two teeth... so funny that they came in at 3 months and he hasn't gotten any more yet. He is a little lover bug who says "da da da da" and nothing about "ma ma". We're working on it :)

Life is busy... I finally feel that, in the last two months or so, we've struck a groove. Mr. D and I are both totally back in the swing of things at work, working feels a part of us, and parenthood has fully become part of everything we do. I am shocked that it took this long, but it was a process... getting accustomed to our new routines, fully embracing all of our changes... it was a long time coming. BUT - it's awesome. It works for us. And we love everything about our new normal.

A few smaller, but fun updates:

- I convinced Mr. D that we need a trip to Vegas - YAY! We're going with three other couples in September.

- Max's first plane ride will be in August - a trip to Washington DC for Mr. D's cousin's wedding.

- Max has eaten every kind of baby food Ger.ber has to offer - nothing this kid doesn't like. He loves food! This is why my 8 month old weighs 26 pounds :)

Monday, April 2, 2012

Ugh, I've been a horrible blogger! I check in on all my favorite blogs, but have been a bad commenter and bad poster to my own blog.

Lots has happened since last time I posted! Here are a few updates:

Max is growing... big time. He is a big boy - he's over 7 months, 24 pounds, and loves every kind of food we've given him. He loves oatmeal, and has eaten every veggie and fruit. He just wants more. My pediatrician is okay with us continuing to feed him - he's proportionately a big kid... chunky, tall, big head, big feet, big hands. I am afraid of my future grocery bills when he is a teenager.

Work is good - and life is CRAZY! I guess I wouldn't want it any other way. I am out of the house by 6:30 a.m., working by 7:30, in meetings ALL DAY, leave at 4:00, pick up Max, feed, play and bathe him before he's in bed by 8:00 p.m. Mr. D and I jump back online after Max is in bed to finish up work. Every-other night, I wash my hair (saves a good 30 minutes in the morning), and we are off to bed. In between, I execute our "Family Routines" list (i.e.: laundry on Tuesdays, garbages on Wednesdays, clean floors on Thursdays, clean bathrooms on Fridays, etc.) and snuggle Max. It's a crazy, but awesome, schedule! I finally feel, after 7 months, that we are in the groove. It works for us.

It is CD26 for me. Mr. D and I did everything possible to make Baby #2 this month, and let me tell you, it is surreal to start the process of trying to get pregnant again. Tracking ovulation, thinking about BDing at the right time, wondering when to take a pregnancy test... it's so weird to be thinking about all of this stuff again. Mid-cycle, I mentioned something about purchasing more CBFM test sticks to Mr. D, and he looked at me like a deer in headlights after saying, "What? I haven't heard about this stuff for how long, and you expect me to understand what you just said?" I don't blame him... I had to re-educate myself, too. But, game on. I am not sure if I ovulated this month... my CBFM never showed a peak, but I could tell something was happening with my body. I've always ovulated late, so I know I have at least a week before I could test. Here's hoping we made a baby!

I am SO GLAD it was a mild winter. Spring is definitely on its way, and I love the weather. Both of our families go to Florida for spring break each year, and this year, we didn't go, but we didn't need to - the winter was so mild that I never craved southern weather. Summer, here we come!

I'll post more in the next week once I am closer to figuring out when/if to test. Hope everyone is well and having a great week!

It's hard to be fully present in either world, and I've found myself struggling... at work, I think about my little man constantly, and when I get home, I am holding my kid on my hip as I log in to find 50 e-mails since I left work two hours ago.

But you know what? I wouldn't have it any other way. I love, love, love working. Maybe it's because I view myself as successful (and everyone's definition of that is different) in the workplace, and I know that the work I do drives results. I live for it. The competition. The recognition. The work I do is exactly what I should be doing, and I love it.

But I also love my little boy. I love snuggling, playing, and taking walks. I love reading him books even though he has no idea what I am reading.

It makes it hard to make the decision to lead two full time jobs: my career and being a mom.

Even though I love my career, I find myself daily having to justify two things: One, I love my career and crave everything that comes along with my role: leading people, the politics, the pressure, the visibility, the money... everything. Two, my little man NEEDS interaction with others... especially other kids. Daycare is an environment that he needs for his own development, and he is so loved and well-taken-care-of.

But it's still hard. Would I be a good stay-at-home-mama? Hell, no. I wouldn't ever want to do it, either (although I give so much credit to the women who want and can stay at home with their little ones... it's not an easy job!). But going to work isn't always easy, either.

I wouldn't give it up for the world... I love my little man to pieces and being a mom is more rewarding than I could have imagined. I've also found - for me - that being career-focused is incredibly rewarding, too.

And, so, my two full time jobs continue... and I wouldn't want it any other way.

Monday, March 12, 2012

Sitting on my couch, watching The Bachelor - I can NOT believe he picked Courtney. I barely even watch this show, but I know enough to know that she is crazy. Grrrr.... not that I thought his other choice was his soul mate, but Courtney?! Seriously?

Anyway, I've been a good blog follower, but lacked in the comment department in the past several days... I will be commenting yet tonight and tomorrow!

Here are a few updates:

- AF finally arrived. Oh, the joys :) No complaints, though - this is exactly what I wanted. I took Provera for 10 days, and, like clockwork, AF came on Day 10. I am on CD5, planning on tracking this cycle. Not sure if we'll "give it our all" and try to get pregnant this month, but at least it's good to track and see if I even ovulate. Maybe I am so nonchalant about it because I am totally envisioning this taking a long time again. Hopefully I am wrong :)

- Max is amazing. Two teeth, popping in a third, rolling/scooting all over the place, prefers to stand and have his hands held while he walks, can sit by himself for quite some time. He's eating oatmeal, rice, all fruits, and all veggies. No food he doesn't like. This is why he is 22 pounds. He's a big boy! We are getting pictures done on Friday - I'll post as soon as I have them!

- I LOVE this weather! Here in MN, we hit 60 degrees today, and 70 degrees is forecasted this week. LOVE IT!

- More to come this week... it's been busy around here, so sorry for my lack of updates. I will post soon!

Saturday, March 3, 2012

I had been holding Max this afternoon for an extended period of time... usually Mr. D and I take turns handing him off and letting the other have some time. Not that I don't love holding him, but I needed a little break. So, Mr. D came up to me, put his arms out for Max and said, "Come on, buddy, let's let Mommy go blog."

Love it :)

So, here I am, catching up on my bloggie friends' blogs and enjoying a glass of red wine.

I am on day 6 of Provera, still 4 more to go. No sign of AF yet, I fully expect her this week. I bought new batteries so I can fire up the Clear.blue fertility monitor on day 1 of my cycle. I am planning on just trying to figure out my pattern - or lack there of - this month. Hopefully I ovulate and things start going back to "normal" in my body. We'll see :)

I'll leave you with a picture... this is my little Maxwell at the Dr.'s office for his 6 month check-up on Thursday (I was a couple weeks late with his appointment). This was before he received 3 shots in his legs... poor pumpkin. He continues to be 95th percentile for height and weight, and is now 85th percentile for head circumference. He is our chunky, chubby, healthy baby :)

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Thanks for the thoughts on my last post, ladies. I love thinking about things differently, and all of your comments about sibling spacing made me sit back and think about different points of view. So, thank you :)

Dr. C called me back on Friday afternoon. Well, actually her nurse did. She said as long as I am done breastfeeding (I chuckled a bit when she said this... not only did I quit at 3 weeks because of Max's stomach issues, but there would be no WAY I would still be breastfeeding at this point) and am not pregnant (again, I chuckled... as if I would be so lucky), she would prescribe Provera. And, so, on Sunday afternoon, I picked up my prescription and started my once-a-day dosage for 10 days.

Sunday, February 26, 2012

The March issue of Par.enting magazine arrived in my mailbox this weekend. I always enjoy flipping through it, but to tell you the truth, it's overwhelming. I always end up reading something that alarms me... should my baby be taking 3 naps a day, like the article suggests? What if I am not feeding my baby a certain fruit by 8 months? Am I doing enough playtime with my child?

So, anyway, I try to read light-heartedly, but one article from this month's issue in particular caught my interest.

The article has to do with recommendations on how far apart to space kids. Now, I know there is a TON of research online and in different sources, but I appreciated the brevity of this article. Basically, I took three nuggets of information away: according to the article, "a new study suggests that two or more years between siblings is optimal, resulting in higher scores in reading and math tests later," "...an even bigger gap can be best for the older sib," and that "when you have two in diapers, the family's day-to-day life is more about survival than enrichment."

I have so many thoughts about this.

First, I love the idea of choosing spacing for siblings, but after managing through IF, is that really even an option for most of us? I, personally, am choosing to start TTC again 6 months after my little guy was born because I have no idea how long it will take us to have another baby - or if we will ever be blessed with another baby. If we get pregnant right away, awesome. And if not, well, at least I can say we gave it our all. Everyone's decision on this is their own, and I support and respect everyone's decisions for their own family.

Here's why I feel like I need minimal spacing for my own family.

My sister and I are nearly 6 years apart. I am older. And, I can see where this study is coming from... my parents spent SO much one-on-one time with me from age 0-6, and I believe this is why (I promise I am not stuck-up here) I was a good student, applied myself, worked hard, did well in sports, etc., etc. My sister, on the other hand, didn't receive as much attention in her formative years as I did. Why? It's not because they didn't love her as much, but as she was going through the infant/toddler/preschool/school-age years, they were helping me with math problems, reading comprehension, history projects, and essays. If given the choice of helping my sister with her colors and shapes or me with my science project, I think they chose me to focus on. My sister was kind of along-for-the-ride. No offense to my parents at all... they were (and are) wonderful parents to both of us, but they focused so much on helping and developing me that my sister was left to follow in her older sister's footsteps. And she stumbled, to say the least. She had a much harder time in school, didn't apply herself, and still, to this day, has a hard time articulating what she wants to do with her life. As my parents were bringing me to cheerleading practice and supporting me through high school, my sister tagged along and didn't receive as much attention.

Now, I do not mean to apply this same circumstance to everyone. I know not every sibling pair is completely opposite from an upbringing perspective, and who knows if it's because my sister and I are 6 years apart in age with no other siblings (which I view to be a significant amount of time). But I've always known, that based on watching my sister not get as much development and attention as I did in my formative years because my parents were so busy with me, I wanted my kids to be close in age.

The study mentions that "increasing spacing between has a beneficial effect." And I guess I agree... for the older sibling. What about the younger one?

My opinion on spacing is: I want minimal spacing. And I know that I am speaking to a community of fellow IFers who may be thinking, "Mrs. D, you are crazy... be thankful for a baby whenever they come into your life." And I couldn't agree more. I am just thinking, from an optimal perspective, I am praying that I can have kids close in age so that we can get through the baby phase in a faster amount of time, and focus on "phases" around the same time. It would be awesome, if, Max starts to potty-training, and within a couple years, another child (if I am so lucky to have another child) gets potty-trained. Then we are done with that phase and onto the next.

I'd love your thoughts on this... even if they are different than mine. What is optimal spacing? Do you even care how far apart your kids are? Is there a point when, if your first child is a certain age, you would stop trying for more children?

Friday, February 24, 2012

I called my OB. Asked for a prescription of Prometrium to jump-start AF. Not sure if she'll give it to me - I talked to a nurse and she's calling me back. When I went in for my 6-week postpartum check and told my OB that I wanted to conceive again ASAP, she warned me that I should wait a year to get pregnant to allow my body to heal from the C-section. This was before I told her I ran a 5K a mere two weeks after Max was born without her permission (they said no running/exercise for 6 weeks).

I am feeling disappointed with my body. Why can't my body just be normal? I was dreading having to start this whole process over again... Prometrium, ovulation tracking (although, I do have the ever-so-trusty CBFM... time to brush the dust off that bad boy), and timed BD. Why can't it just be easy?

I know it's not going to be easy, which is why I bit the bullet and decided that I need to take charge. No more sitting back and waiting for things to occur that should just happen naturally. I've proven that my body doesn't really do many things naturally.

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Yup, that's what I am. A foreigner.Why am I a foreigner, you ask?I am in Toronto, Canada for work again, and I love this city. I, of course, love the US and would never leave, but there's something about Canada... the fresh air, the people... it's a great place. I've been here since Tuesday morning and go back home to MN tomorrow night. Sometimes it's nice to be in a place where nobody knows you. I went out for dinner tonight with a gal who is one of my direct reports, and we both commented about how nice it is to fly under the radar.Ahhhh, Canada. My home away from home :)

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

That's where AF is.Last time she arrived on the scene was 12/23. And she never returned.Back in my 20's, this would have been a blessing. A godsend. But now? It's just a pain in the ass. When is she going to return? Is my body still screwed up from having a child over 6 months ago? Will I ever ovulate and have a cycle normally?Nope, not pregnant. Just missing my old enemy AF.Please come back, AF. I know I spent the majority of the past 4 years cursing your name, but it's time you and I get back on the same page. I miss you. Hell, every single time I go to the bathroom, I wonder if you'll show up again. I need you. I desperately want you to come back into my life so I can plan life events around you... maybe even plan Baby #2. I know, I know... for a long time, I never, ever wanted to see you again. But now it's different. I realize how important you are in my life. I need you to come back - regularly, please - so that I can put a plan together. Thank you.

Our First Born

Our Second Born

How It All Began...

About Me

Mr. D and I were married in 2006, and my last BCP was in December 2008. After starting to attempt to conceive, all we experienced were: ovulation predictor kits, pee-sticks, heartache, a miscarriage, charts showing temp trends, Clomid, Clomid, and more Clomid, various medical procedures... you name it. Mr. D tested perfectly, and I went through a few procedures (HSG, lap) to ensure my tubes were clear.
On one, last, final attempt without medical assistance prior to moving forward with the steps recommended by our RE, we found out on December 2, 2010 that we were pregnant. We welcomed Maxwell (Max) Brian to the world on August 17, 2011 and couldn't be happier. He is truly a miracle, and we've never forgotten how hard it was for us to welcome him to our family.
After Max was born, we quickly started on the journey to #2, praying that it wouldn't take too long to get pregnant again. We found out on May 26, 2012 that we were expecting Max's little brother. Mason William was born on January 30, 2013, and was the perfect addition to complete our family.
We are blessed.

July 2009: Doctor appointment. Everything looks great; it will just take time. Filled prescription of Prometrium to jump start cycle. Started temp charting and OPKs.

January - June 2009: TTC, no luck

December 2008: Last round of BCPs

2006, 2007, 2008: Traveled a ton domestically and internationally for work and pleasure, became fans of great wine, enjoyed marriage, decided to think about trying to start a family

July 2006: Married Mr. D in a huge ceremony. Complete happiness.

July 2005: Mr. D proposes by saying, "I want you to be my one and only forever. Will you marry me?"

July 2004: Met Mr. D. It was love at first sight. I actually was thinking, "I really don't want to be in a relationship right now, but it looks like he'll be in my life for awhile" prior to ever exchanging a word.