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Tears on my Pilau

by lenko on March 25, 2010

You Couldn’t Make It Up

Dread news from the AP today, reporting from Gauhati in India, where the arms race has taken on a terrifying new twist.

Indian scientists have perfected a new type of gas grenade, which can paralyse an enemy with the much-feared “bhut jolokia” – the world’s hottest chili. Though it is officially a non-toxic weapon, it has the power to force soldiers out of hiding by making them choke on the fumes.

British Security forces, fearing a sudden uprising of terrorists armed with chilli powder, are currently checking the country’s 17,000 Indian restaurants, some of them posing as diners and eating up to five chilis a day.

Whereas a jalapeno pepper has about 8,0000 Scoville units – a measure of spiciness – the bhut jolokia possesses as much as a million. Two chilis of more than critical mass, when brought together, would be enough to make the Sun go nova.

Trials are in progress of an aerosol version, and Greater Manchester Police are believed to have already put in an order.

Meanwhile, French physicists are working on a neutralising agent, based upon the so far only rumoured super-garlic.

Yes I know of this garlic trial, apparently it is necessary to eat copious amounts of it and then breath heavily into miscreants faces. However first trials of it have not been particularly successful in France as it has been found that all the French eat copious amounts of garlic and are therefore immune to it. The trials are being transferred to the UK as it is thought they will be a better study group.

I was going to bhaji in with my own offerings and spice things up a bit, but I bet you could see me cumin. You both seem to know your onions. Corrie and ‘er pals will be along soon. Then we can have a state of Korma.