Best man jokes for weddings in Jan-2012

Browse below for timely and topical material in ready-to-use best man speech form. A last minute addition to your script that connects a news story that has only just broken to a wedding day theme will show the audience just how razor sharp, witty and informed you are.

Displaying 14 topical best man speech jokes

When people get together it can be cause for celebration or cause for alarm. Today we celebrate. When the Spice Girls confirm their Jubilee reunion next week, try to hold onto these happy memories …

Of course, even a couple as close as Katie & Shane can never know everything about each other. Everyone has their little secrets. This week I read about a Virginia man – a pillar of his community with a wife of forty years and four loving daughters. When he died, his family cleared out a storage locker that he had kept for several decades and found the body of a local girl who’d disappeared in 1963. If there’s a lesson to be learned, (Bride), I’d say check his shed now to avoid an unpleasant surprise later.

This wedding really couldn’t come at a better time for anyone. Gary will probably be bald by this time next year. And Annabelle’s just found out that Harry from One Direction is back on the market. Too late now, love. You’ve made your bed …

I don't know if you two have caught the stargazing bug sparked by last week's BBC shows. They were encouraging viewers to join an on-line project to spot new planets by sifting through radio telescope data. I love the idea that Stuart could discover a distant planet and name it after his new bride. So romantic. Jenny could do the same for him ... Of course, if you were going to call a planet 'Stuart' it would have to be a gas giant.

Here's a test for your new husband, Gemma. Ask yourself: 'What he would do if we were on a sinking cruise ship together?' Close your eyes and try to picture the scene. Got it? If he's helping you into a lifeboat first, you've definitely nabbed Mr Right. If he's jumping in ahead of you, you might have cause for concern. And if he's buzzing up and down the deck on his moped pinching the arses of the fleeing female passengers, you've probably married the Captain.

It's wonderful to be here with Vanessa & Tony, celebrating the start of their adventure together. I hope you have a lifetime of loving togetherness ahead of you. That said, I read today that Tulisa and Fazer from n-dubz have split up, jeopardising the future of the band ... So it’s worth remembering, if things do get rocky, that even the end of a relationship can bring unexpected rewards.

It’s not an easy time at the moment, with recession biting. A wave of expected retail closures has been announced this week, so Pauline & Richard – open any cards you’ve got quickly before the vouchers turn into Monopoly money.

This week, there’s only one thing I’ve been thinking about. They must be one of the most well-loved and charismatic couples of all time and I for one can’t wait to see where life takes them next. I just can’t believe that the BBC only commissioned three episodes! Anyone else been watching Sherlock?

On the day of this happy union, I can’t help thinking of another long-standing partnership; one that suddenly seems to be under threat. If the SNP’s referendum plans go ahead, England and Scotland could well go their separate ways in the near future … which would make it the only divorce in history where the richer partner made all of their maintenance payments while the couple was still together.

Funny how things work out isn’t it? Just this week the government lifted the ban on selling 25ml ‘taster’ glasses of wine in bars, instead of the usual 250ml measures. If they’d done that two years ago, Graham would never have been able to get Sandra drunk enough to say ‘yes’!

It’s the Olympic year at last! I remember during the bid Sebastian Coe described London 2012 in terms that might well apply to today’s proceedings … ‘the perfect marriage of opportunity and success’ he said. Although in the case of the London Olympics, I suspect the word he was looking for was ‘mirage’.

Paula & Simon have asked me to extend their thanks for all of your lovely wedding gifts, and especially the John Lewis vouchers which as of this morning overtook both the pound and the euro on the global currency market.