Please Don’t Ask Me About Mother’s Day

Childfree women often have to answer to family, friends, and random strangers about why we’ve made the choice not to give birth to, adopt, or otherwise harbor a child. The curious never seem sated by the simple answer, “I don’t want kids.”

If you insist on prying into the psyche of a childfree woman, here are some questions that might make your interrogation go more smoothly.

Asking a childfree woman if she’s thinks her decision is selfish is not a question. It’s a judgment disguised as a question. Childfree women are actually great assets to the planet. Our carbon footprint is smaller than a mom’s! And we have enough money to write checks to organizations that help kids get vaccinations, vitamins, and educations; yet have plenty of free time to advise your daughter that one day she will regret piercing her lip.

Instead of: “Who will take care of you when you’re old?”

Try: “In forty years, without grandchildren, who is going to come to your house and eat butterscotch hard candies?”

Great question! Instead of saving for someone else’s college education, I’m currently saving for a luxury retirement community replete with golf carts and handsome young male nurses who love butterscotch. I quit smoking so that I won’t have to talk out of my neck when I’m seventy and I plan to buy one of those Life Alert bracelets from TV. These all seem like better options than giving birth to another human as some sort of long-term health insurance policy.

Instead of: “Wow, what do you do with all your free time?”

Try: “I bet you’re really busy. Do you have any free time?”

See what a nice question that is? It opens up a dialogue. People without kids aren’t lacking something productive to do (such as wiping poop off of the upholstery or supervising play dates). Since we haven’t shared four thousand baby pictures on Facebook this week, you might assume we don’t actually have a lot of free time. In fact, we don’t know how busy parents find the time to upload pictures of their kids! We should be asking YOU!

Instead of: “Won’t you and your partner/spouse get lonely without children?”

Try: “What do you guys like to do for fun?”

Have you ever tried to talk to a baby or a toddler? They never look you square in the eyes, they know about three words, and God forbid they ever ask you how you’re doing. It’s all about them! Couples without kids have each other, their friends, families, and Siri to talk to. It’s not like they’re quarantining themselves in an underground bunker, never to take a romantic stroll on the beach or attend a Morrissey concert ever again. They’re just using birth control.

Instead of: “What happens if you change your mind after it’s too late to have kids?”

Try: “Don’t you wish everyone’s major life decisions were treated with respect?”

There’s no good way to ask this question because it comes from the assumption that the childfree woman has made a BIG MISTAKE THAT CANNOT BE UNDONE. (This line of conversation usually continues with, “Well, you can always adopt!”) Think about it this way: childfree women wouldn’t ask someone with two toddlers, “What if you change your mind? Do you know of a boarding school that takes kids in their Terrible Two’s?”

Instead of: “Do you fear missing out on the unconditional love from a child?”

Try: “Ain’t love grand?”

We don’t fear missing out on the unconditional love from a child because we don’t want a child to begin with. Also, there are some conditions when it comes to a child’s love. I’ve seen kids say, “I hate you mommy!” after mommy wouldn’t pony up a buck for some candy at the grocery store. I think it goes the other way: I experienced unconditional love from my parents even when I went off to live with my broke actor boyfriend at age nineteen. I think I should quit while I’m ahead. And love is love, unconditional or otherwise. In fact, once in a while the “love” from someone you barely know can be pretty fun too. (Wink.)

No childfree woman wants to go into detail about faulty uteruses or personal decisions over crackers and wine! If you can’t ask more delicate questions of the childfree, just ignore us. Stare at your phone and text. It’s honestly more polite.

About Speakeasy

Speakeasy is a blog covering media, entertainment, celebrity and the arts. The publication is produced by Barbara Chai and Jonathan Welsh with contributions from the Wall Street Journal staff and others. Write to us at speakeasy@wsj.com or follow us on Twitter at @WSJSpeakeasy or individually @barbarachai.