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Oh my god, dude. Denny’s has introduced a new late-night menu with dishes designed by bands that no one except people who are really into Target commercials likes, bands such as Boys Like Girls, Taking Back Sunday, and fucking HOOBASTANK! Has there ever, ever been a funnier band name than Hoobastank? Every time I hear mention of Hoobastank, I just imagine a thirteen-year-old boy who has never been drunk before wearing a pot-leaf beanie and getting yelled at by his mom for making too much of a ruckus moshing in his bedroom.

Just imagine the meeting at which Hoobastank got together with the “creative team” who design Denny’s dishes to put this together, and then imagine the people who concoct Denny’s dishes guiding Hoobastank in creating a burrito with fried chicken, fried onions, cheese, and cheese sauce on it, but deciding that wasn’t Hoobastanky enough and tossing in a side of cheese sauce and a side of ranch.

I love nothing more than the inane copyrighted names corporate restaurants come up with for their alcoholic drinks (get over to Outback tonight and get you a Wallaby Darned, which is easily the best one there is) and dishes, and I make sure to order them whenever I get the chance, even if it means embarrassing the person who has to repeat my order to me. Really, corporate restaurants are an awesome social phenomenon; I often visit them just in order to get a look at what’s going on with the people that most people think of when they are discussing “Americans.” I know, I’m an asshole, but I can’t think of anything more entertaining than watching unsophisticated suburbanites get stoked about BBQ Pork Ravioli Bites, Kickin’ Jack Nachos, Chicken Parmesan Tanglers, or whatever other insane, bacon-and-cheese-encrusted food item the marketing geniuses have designed to appeal to people who can’t wait to start taking Lipitor. I like that shit so much, in fact, that Davetavius and I once drove over an hour to go to an Olive Garden in a Georgia suburb on a Saturday night to analyze the menu and watch other people eat.

If I could afford it, I’m certain that the ultimate entertainment experience would be to go corporate bar hopping in Times Square, which is the only place in Manhattan where one can find a TGI Friday’s, an Olive Garden, an Outback, a Hooters, an Applebee’s, a Red Lobster, and maybe even a Chili’s in one square mile, but they all charge about 175% of their normal menu prices due to location, so I’ll never know. I’ve always been blown away by the idea that someone would travel all the way to New York, a city full of awesome restaurants with decent prices, to eat the same food they can eat at their local strip mall while paying almost twice the money for the privilege, and I really want to go and see for myself what goes on in those joints. But alas…

I can’t afford that shit, but you know what I can afford? Denny’s. You know I’m going to a Denny’s after 10 PM at the first chance I get, because I wanna get me a Hooburito and some Potachos. Those are potato chip nachos, for those of you uncool motherfuckers who aren’t down with the new Rockstar Menu. And when I’m done with those, I’m gonna tell the waiter to whip a Smokin’ Q Four Pack on me, and I want that shit with A Ton O’Rings, to be certain. After that I’m gonna go get a sun tattoo and then maybe head back to the practice space to get me a full gulp pull of some Jager and “kick out some rockin’ jams” with my buddies: Big Dog, Ill Will, and The Burger. After which I’ll be back at the Denny’s to hit up that All-Nigher Value menu. Munchies, brah!

Seriously, dude, I’m pretty sure this new Denny’s menu is even making Guy Fieri and his 1996 Rockabilly kit look cool.

19 Responses to “The Hooburrito is here!”

Jesus fucking Christ. If I ate any of that I would need quart of Beano to keep my innards from evacuating my body at Mach 3. Shit like this is why I’m totally serious when I say that I could easily leave America and never once miss this lactose-infested hellish lair of fatty indigestion.

I have to drive at least ten minutes to get a fucking salad that isn’t brown or made of iceberg lettuce and ranch dressing, but there’s at least five kinds of bacon cheeseburgers on every corner. Seriously, fuck America. The amount of enthusiasm people put into food that would put me out of commission for days is obscene. I can’t get goddamn brie or a decent greek dressing at the store, but I can get eight different kinds of waxy bladder infection piss-yellow cheese and a fuck ton of Wonder Bread.

Goddamn. No wonder my doctor asked me to get my first colonoscopy at the tender age of nineteen. I don’t know why I’m in law school; I could be the richest motherfucker in the country if I was a gastroenterologist. No wonder so many people get fucking colon cancer.

Awww, shit, you’re giving me flashbacks to my Gawf club hopping days…I used to order the Denny’s sampler all the time. Nothing like breaded lard to soak up all of those Blood of Christ I had throughout the night. Dear Maude, how could I have ever drunk that shit?!

Dude what the actual fuck?
If shit like this ever takes off over here, I don’t know what the shit I’m going to do.
I’ve never really understood the fascination foreigners seem to have with the outback either and this fucking artarded idea that for some reason kangaroos and koalas are cute animals are wrong in the desert. Wrong fuckfaces. The bush is where you want to be. If you’re not afraid of the drop bears.

Maybe I’ll tell my boss at work we should start doing shit like this haw haw haw haw haw.

The whole concept is utterly ridiculous. Is it wrong that it made me hungry reading this? I would actually eat some of that stuff, as horrible for me as it may be, it sounds kind of tasty. Also, I really like tiny burgers. At least until I can convince myself to really, finally go vegetarian.

Honestly, corporate restaurants are a big part of the reason why I think so many Americans are overweight. I’m from the Netherlands, and we have absolutely zero corporate restaurants. Sure, we have McDonalds, Burger King, that stuff, but no corporate restaurants where you actually have menus, and tables, and servers.

I was 8 when I first went on a vacation to the U.S. with my parents and my little sister; we went touring around the midwest and were immediately excited by the American landscape of BURGERS and FRIES and DENNYS and FATTENING FOOD FOR BREAKFAST. I think I gained half my weight in those three weeks. On our second vacation to the U.S., we started eating only two meals a day because there were so little actual healthy options for eating when you’re on the road.

The weird food you people have will always be a kind of nostalgia for me. Supermarkets the sizes of airport hangars, with soda bottles twice the size of my head, economy value packages, commercials every five minutes and brand name EVERYTHING.

You should come over to the Netherlands some time, things just generally seem way more mellow over here. Mostly because being such a tiny fucking country, we don’t have the room for super stores and super brands and highway chain restaurants.

By the way: I went to the Ruby Tuesdays AND the Olive Garden on Times Square once, mostly because I wanted to see what they were like; I mostly knew Olive Garden from jokes in Will & Grace. Ruby Tuesdays was pretty cool because they served a group of 19 year olds booze. On Times Square. Olive Garden didn’t, which made it decidedly less cool, but it was still a hoot because of the inauthenticy of the ‘Italian’ food and our fat waiter.

20 years after this was apparent to everybody else, Denny’s finally realized that their only true loyal patrons were underage kids with the munchies after shows, who totally need a place to stall for an hour or so as to not waste that curfew extension they begged their moms for, and can’t go to a bar. Their menu finally reflects this truthitude. Ew. I predict the beginning of the end for Denny’s. I bet they’re out of business within 5 years.

I’ve always been blown away by the idea that someone would travel all the way to New York, a city full of awesome restaurants with decent prices, to eat the same food they can eat at their local strip mall while paying almost twice the money for the privilege

There is definitely no excuse for tourists to do this, but people who live here, uh…oh, god. This is going to be embarrassing, but…my ex and I were regular patrons of both the Chevy’s and Olive Garden in Times Square. I can explain.

#1: We both have serious Diet Coke addictions, and corporate restaurants are literally the only places in NYC (save for Veselka in the East Village) that have free refills on soda. I totally resent the NYC tradition of charging 2 bucks EACH for some puny glass of watery, bar-gun diet coke. Even more offensive is when they bring it out in a fucking can. Bitch, please. If a place doesn’t have unlimited soda refills, I drink water – and I hate water.

#2: We’re both serious, hardcore, Mexican food addicts, and as sad as it is, Chevy’s is one of the best places to get Mexican food that actually tastes like Mexican food (and is suitable for vegetarians), which explains something about the state of Mexican food in NY (it’s total shit). Plus, Chevy’s has unlimited chips and salsa that are FREE with the meal, another thing that never, ever happens at any other restaurant in the city but totally should. Free chips and salsa is like Mexican restaurant standard (except in NYC, land of crushed dreams). At Chevy’s, I’m a fan of the mix n’ match combo platter, in which I get 2 cheese enchiladas, 2 bean n’ cheese chimichangas (I have to special order these b/c there’s usually meat in them), all smothered in nacho cheese plus rice and beans…for about 14 bucks. I down, like, 5 bites there (because I’m all filled up on chips), and then literally spread it out for 6 meals over the course of a week. There’s a system, you see. Oh, and ask for tortillas, because they’re free and made fresh.

#3: Four words: Never-Ending Pasta Bowl.

(I should also note that the prices aren’t that different than red-state chain prices, which is another selling point. They do add an automatic 15% gratuity, but after having served for a year in this city and seeing how fucking cheap/clueless people/tourists can be, I totally understand.)

Yeah, dude, the Mexican food in New York is a fucking abomination. I actually go to San Diego twice a year and, though I pretend that it’s just because I want to see my old friends, it’s at least half about burritos. I think a law should be passed requiring all Mexican restaurants in New York to admit they’re selling wraps, not burritos.

Still, I’ll go to Chevy’s any day both for the reasons you mentioned and because it’s funnier than anything on TV.

And touche on the wrap thing. I have been so disappointed in almost every burrito I’ve optimistically ordered here. Another unexpected place to get decent Mexican food are those Fresh Tortillas places you see all around the city (aka Fresco Tortillas, Frescas Tortillas, and my personal favorite, Taco Bandito). It’s confusing because they’re all owned and operated by Asian people, which is why some offer both Chinese and Mexican food in the same place.

The Fresh Tortillas places sound atrocious, but they are the bomb and they’re pretty cheap. They make the tortillas fresh, and they’re so good I always order a stack of plain ones on the side – they taste like pancakes. The thing to understand that was confusing to me the first few times I went there, is that when they say “pinto bean tortilla,” that actually means “pinto bean soft taco” but with no fixins (like lettuce, tomatos, and cheese) Their regular tacos come with all the fixins, but are crispy. If you want a soft taco (which you do) with all the veggies and cheese, most places allow you to order the regular crispy taco that comes with all the fixins, and then just say “soft shell” and they tack on 20 or 30 cents and give you a soft taco with all the veggies and shit. It’s very confusing and can take some trial and error to get it right, but I swear I’d die in this city without those places. They are amazing.

Oh, and according to my non-vegetarian friends, the bean tacos/tortillas are way better than things with meat in them. I mean, what do you expect for a buck-fifty?

I’m not a vegetarian, but the absolutely best burrito I’ve ever had contained no meat whatsoever. I got it in a little cafe way up in Ithaca, though (ABC Cafe, if you ever find yourself round those parts). But yeah, black bean burritos ftw.

I lol’d at the “rock band” musical paraphenalia in the background of the pics on the menu… wow, authentic! Like, the bands must have actually brought their gear to the photo shoot! WOW!

I have one question… what the fuck is “American cheese”? I’ve heard of (and have eaten) cheddar, colby, gouda, edam, brie, camembert, stilton, , fetta, mozzarella, parmesan, romano, gorgonzola and pretty much everything else named in the Monty Python “cheese shop” sketch… but i’ve never heard of American cheese. Is it that fucking horrible, artificial, orange-coloured crap that looks and tastes like solidified cheez-wiz?

If I have deduced correctly, the perfect American cuisine would consist of layers of chicken, cheese, bacon, steak, cheese, sausage, cheese, some kind of fried mass-produced vegetable, cheese and mayo, on some kind of sugary grilled bread, topped with ranch sauce and cheese, with a side of cheese and some cheese sauce. Mmmmmmmm. My best mate should move to America, he’d fucking love it. He has cheese on everything. I’m serious, this guy grates cheddar onto his chinese take-away…

All that food looks great to me! I’m fascinated by American fast-food, and I’d love to go on a holiday and travel around eating all this kind of stuff. We see it all the time on T.V and in movies, so it would be like eating a celebrity. You know- I’d have my photo taken with a Wendy’s burger before I eat it.