How do I get my grade-schooler to help her younger sibling?

The best way to teach your youngster is by example. By helping others yourself, you teach her how to help others. Whenever your firstborn does something helpful for you or anyone else, praise her and let her know how much you appreciate her actions.

If you have a new baby, don't expect your grade-schooler to be enthusiastic about her sibling right away. The arrival of a new sibling is a major life-change for children, and it'll take time to adjust. But if your eldest wants to help with the new baby, encourage her to do so! Ask her to bring you a clean diaper when you're changing the baby or carry an extra baby blanket or the diaper bag to the car when you're headed out the door. These "chores" give her a feeling of responsibility and make her feel like an important member of the family.

Another way to encourage your older child is to let her know how good she can make her baby brother feel. Let her hold the baby (with your supervision), and when he smiles at her, you can say, "Look how happy you made him!" This will help her feel like a vital part of the baby's life.

If your younger child is a toddler, encourage your firstborn to show him how to do things, such as putting toys away or getting dressed, and suggest that she read to her little brother (which will make them both feel proud and happy). Let her know she has a lot to offer her sibling, and that you're proud of the example she's setting. If your younger child is just starting school, suggest to his big sister that she tell him what she liked about school when she first started. They can even play school together, with your eldest taking the role of teacher (of course). It'll make her feel important, and help her sibling learn about what happens at school. If your older child is watching a TV show about a family with kids, talk to her about the interactions between the characters. You might ask, "What example is that girl setting for her little brother? What would you do in that situation?"

When your grade-schooler does help her younger sibling, be sure to let her know that you're proud of her. Praise and positive feedback are the best ways to help establish a good relationship between siblings. And as she gets older, she'll continue to help others and to set an example that her sibling can learn from. Be careful not to give your firstborn too much responsibility, though. At this age, she can't take care of her brother by herself. Give her small tasks, such as pushing him on the swing, helping prepare a snack, or teaching a game. But never leave her physically responsible for her brother by allowing her to do such things as take him around the block without you to play with the neighbors. And don't ask her to do too many chores for her sibling, since this can foster resentment. She may feel that she has to do all the work all the time, and your younger one may resent not being able to do things on his own.

Always reassure your grade-schooler that she's special, and that you love her. When you talk to her, acknowledge her feelings. You may expect her to be the "big kid" all the time, and you may even say, "Remember, you're the big girl in the family." But she may not want to be the big girl yet, at least not all the time. Expect some regression now and then, and don't chastise her for having negative feelings about her brother. Acknowledging her feelings and empathizing with her will help her work through these strong emotions. You can say, "It's hard having to share mom with your little brother. I know that you'd like more time with just you and me." Then give her a reassuring hug. Above all, be sure to give her that one-on-one time each day. It can be hard to find time to be alone with each of your children, especially if you have a baby, but even 15 minutes at bedtime can help to make them feel special.

By talking and listening to your grade-schooler and meeting her emotional needs, you'll help her adjust to her role as a big sister and encourage her to develop a positive and caring relationship with her sibling.

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