Report 12

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Notes on this past week's 'Intoxication' exploration

-My first observation is an obvious one:

I am addicted to caffeine. I rely and lean on it, and panic if it is inaccessible. I realize that I developed the dependence for 'good reasons', which were that at the time I was struggling with an illness, needed to raise my children, and avoided stronger medication by relying on caffeine.

Nonetheless, it has been 8 years(!) since the illness struck. I noticed that this week as I felt the effects of a cold coming on, I struggled to keep it 'compartmentalized' and isolated from the Things-I-Need-To-Do. Caffeine is not a bad tool for this, however moderation was nowhere to be found :)

This dependence on caffeine is part of a chain reactions of 'high' behavior:

Too much caffeine in my system creates a "rush"... a perfect description of what the effects of it are, because I then "rush through" things. I am far less 'mindful' of the present moment where the Quality/Essence of Life is, though I am seemingly 'more' productive on the outside.

My Play as Being logs reveal strongly that when 'under this influence' I talk too much...do not have a natural pace... Thus the title of this report!

The truth is, sometimes it IS satisfying to accomplish more than I 'felt' up to at first, but in the larger picture I am frustrated. I am living up to or exceeding *outer* or *lower level* expectations, but in so doing it takes me far longer to wind down/connect to the deeper stream of *What Is Vital* at various points through the day. I am hindering natural cultivation.

My second observation is a less obvious one and is related to the first:

The caffeine dependence developed as a result of illness which developed as a result of perfectionism when my children were small... attempting to 'keep up' with a picture in my mind regardless of whatever the actual circumstances were or what my body was telling me. The perfectionism can also be seen as a sort of addiction and not listening...a tendency to take things on 'all at once' and feel 'high' from the adrenaline of tackling the impossible. :)

-----There were also other areas of immoderation/uneveness I might have easily elaborated on here certainly. In particular a heated discussion that I might have ended earlier if not for a surging feeling of self-righteousness