anxiety

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Before we go any further, I want to put a disclaimer out there, and that is that this blog post may be triggering for some. We’re going to talk about some pretty deep issues today that may evoke some strong feelings.

And I do mention death in this article.

So if you feel like you’re in a particularly vulnerable place right now when you might not be able to handle reading this, please take care of yourself first.

You can always bookmark this and come back to it later.

Okay, deep breath. This post is probably going to be the hardest posts I’ve ever written. Even though I have a blog, I consider myself a pretty private person. I’m not one for airing my dirty laundry or oversharing.

But despite how uncomfortable this post makes me, it needs to come out.

Moms to be are warned that they may feel overly-emotional after birth or even have the “baby blues.”

Doctors and midwives screen for postpartum depression symptoms at six-week follow up appointments.

But what about postpartum anxiety?

I’ve been an anxious person my whole life. I have memories at just three or four years old….myself as a little girl…feeling a nervous wreck. Worry has been a constant for me. Always.

But somewhere towards the end of my pregnancy with my third baby, Sarah, the anxiety began to spiral out of control.

Slowly.

So slow that I didn’t even recognize it.

It began at the end of my pregnancy. I was scheduled for my third c-section, and I couldn’t shake this premonition that I wouldn’t live through the surgery.

Sobbing, I imagined my three children growing up without me.

My youngest would never know me. My older two kids would be devastated. What would they remember about me?

How would my husband hold down his job and raise three little kids on his own?

My final days before Sarah’s birth were spent cleaning, organizing, and cooking meals. I even cleaned out the attic to organize important documents that my husband would need, should I not survive the birth.

He and I had detailed conversations about my final wishes. I wanted him to find a donor so that my daughter could have breast milk her first year of life.

We talked about how I wanted the kids raised. The characteristics he should look for in a second wife.

– Not feeding my fears.

Avoidance is my speciality. But I’m really working on pushing myself outside of my comfort zone and doing things that make me anxious even if I’m scared. I’m taking baby steps with this one.

– Giving myself permission to have a bad day, and start again.

I know that recovering from this debilitating anxiety won’t be an easy process and I will have bad days and bad moments. That’s okay. It’s totally okay and normal. The important thing is not to be swallowed up by guilt or to allow my setbacks to consume me.

– Speaking out.

I’ve been hiding behind my anxiety for SO long, that it’s actually a welcome relief to come out and tell my story. My goal is to help others who may be going through something similar.

– Self-care.

As an introvert, I need alone time to unwind and decompress. It’s non-negotiable and I’m making it a top priority.

– Going to bed earlier.

As I mentioned before, I’ve been staying awake all night for the last two years +. I’ve realized how bad this is for my mental and physical health, so I’m taking steps to go to bed earlier (and get up earlier, too!).

– Prayer/meditation.

I’m a huge believer in the power of prayer. I’m focusing on praying more, reading my Bible, and listening to Christian meditations on YouTube.

Do you have any suggestions to add to this list?

Friend, if you’re battling with anxiety, panic, paranoia, depression, or any other emotional struggle, please know you’re not alone.

You’re not crazy. You’re normal.
Please don’t beat yourself up.
Don’t live in denial like I did.
Today’s a new day. You can start where you are and move toward a path of healing. It’s time to take your life back.

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About Me

Hi! Thanks for stopping by! I'm Marianna - a homeschool mom by day and a mental health counselor by night. I'm passionate about supporting and encouraging other moms. Click the first circle below to learn more!