Navigation

10.10.2015

Hillary Clinton to Legally Change Name to "Bernie Sanders"

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Democratic presidential candidate and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton announced she was going to legally change her name to "Bernie Sanders." Clinton's decision to change her name followed weeks of her claiming to have exactly the same progressive positions as rival Democratic presidential candidate Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont, who continued to gain on Clinton in various polls of likely Democratic primary voters.

"Not only do I believe everything Bernie Sanders believes, but we have exactly the same name now. Or at least we will once all that legal stuff goes through," stated Clinton, who claimed she "definitely wanted to break up the banks" that largely funded her presidential campaign.

Clinton continued, "So there is really no reason Democratic primary voters should not vote for me, because I am a genuine progressive and my name is Bernie Sanders. That is, unless you really like me being Hillary Clinton, because I will totally still be her, too."

Secretary Clinton's campaign declared it would be updating everything with the candidate's former name on it to reflect the name change, and offered supporters the opportunity to exchange undamaged Hillary 2016 merchandise for updated items "of equal or lesser value."

Most political observers agreed Clinton's decision to change her name was a shrewd move, and predicted having two candidates with exactly the same name would lead to "mass confusion" during debates, voting, and the general dialogue between the candidates.