How to cope with Valentine’s Day

Chris Harrison and Patti Stanger give their thoughts on how to deal with the holiday.

Harrison: “They’ve made it such an expensive, ridiculous holiday, so I don’t appreciate that, but I still appreciate the holiday and I think, sure it should be celebrated, but I think you can do it simple and still keep it just as special and meaningful whether its cooking at home, you know flowers, a little gift, a little token. I don’t think it has to be this insanely big deal. I like simple, but that’s just me, that’s how I like my relationships anyway.”

Stanger: “If you forget Valentine’s Day, be prepared to be dumped. ... Just think of the things you like to do and then add food and alcohol, and if you can add a setting like an outdoor experience, or a fun place if you like dancing, go for it. ... If you’re single, you need to get the hell out. It’s Friday night, it’s hunting night and everyone’s going to be out. Just make sure where you’re going is not a couples hangout.”

— Stephanie Cary

It’s Valentine’s Day and love is on the air.

It’s high season for reality dating shows “The Bachelor” and “The Millionaire Matchmaker,” where the lonely hearts are lovely and the rendezvous extravagant.

And now, after years of playing Cupid in Southern California, the hosts of the two popular shows are sharing their secrets to help would-be Valentines put down the remote and get into a relationship.

With more than 10 years under his belt hosting ABC’s “The Bachelor,” Chris Harrison has seen four contestants walk down the aisle — not to mention countless breakups. Through it all, he’s been paying attention.

“The people that come on the show and are successful — and it doesn’t mean the relationship will be successful, but the people that are successful in looking for one, anyway — first and foremost know themselves. They are at a point in their lives where they understand who they are, where they are and what they’re looking for,” Harrison says.

“I think Sean (Season 17’s bachelor) is a perfect example of that... he knew exactly what he was looking for and he found his perfect match in Catherine. Whereas some of those other girls seemed like a good option, really they weren’t for his life.”

Love, L.A. Style

Harrison, who lives in the Los Angeles area and films part of the show here, says the city’s dating scene is the toughest he’s ever experienced, in part because of its sprawling borders and multiple events that make it seem less personable than other cities.

Which is why he says it’s important for people on and off screen to put themselves out there.

“Being able to put yourself out there and be open to not just what you’re usually looking for, but be open to meeting everyone,” Harrison says.

“That’s something I see a lot on our show, someone will come in and on a basic level say ‘I usually date Southern blondes,’ or whatever, and inevitably they thank us for introducing them to people that they normally wouldn’t have dated.”

Unlike Harrison, Patti Stanger, the host of “Millionaire Matchmaker” considers L.A. as one of the better dating scenes thanks to demographics — equal numbers of men and women. While there may be an ample number of people looking for love, Stanger believes people in L.A. tend to be more reluctant to commit than in places like New York.

Advertisement

“We have that sense of no urgency here and there’s also the sense of, you know, ‘If I get married it’s a hassle’,” Stanger says. “With celebrities not getting married and just living together, it’s kind of like, ‘Oh, we’ll be like them.’ But it’s very transient, I mean, we definitely are constantly changing our partners and there’s always hope in the air.”

Stanger’s show, which is aired on Bravo, aims to pair millionaires with their romantic matches. While she knows how to help those looking to snag a rich man — hint: they like smart, engaging, attractive women who look expensive, have a “girl next door” vibe and absolutely do not smoke — she has plenty of advice for non-millionaire seekers as well.

While singles might think they have to hit a bar to meet someone, Stanger says online dating is her first recommendation. Whether it be Match.com, Plenty Of Fish, or a niche site like Farmers Only, she says online dating is growing in popularity.

She also recommends people do athletic activities like hiking, kayaking, paddle boarding or heading to the mountains for some snow activities. While it may sound cliched, Stranger says “men love athletic girls.” And if you don’t want to actually do an activity, you can head to a Lakers game or a restaurant that will have the game playing on TV, she added.

For men to meet women, Stanger recommends yoga studios or athletic clubs. But she also says finding someone isn’t necessarily the problem — it’s getting the nerve to actually approach someone, which she says is easier than men think.

“It’s simple: ‘Hi, my name is Sean.’ If you’re in a bar: ‘Can I buy you a drink?’ ‘Can I refresh your drink?’ ‘Would you like an hors d’oeuvre?’ We’ll know that A: You’re chivalrous; B: You’re not cheap; and C: You’re interested,” Stanger says.

The key, she says, is to not be passive.

“After the date, how about you call and see if she got home OK?” she continues. “It’s so simple. At the end of the date, if you like her, you give her a little peck on the cheek and say ‘How about we do this again Tuesday?’”

And while on the date, neither the man nor the woman should ever talk about their exes or past dates because it will end up making the other person feel not special; and it can also feel a tad narcissistic, she says.

Red flag warnings

Stanger offers common sense tips, like noting if a person pays only with cash, a possible sign they have poor credit. She also warns to be alert if a person speaks negatively about their parents because it could mean they have underlying issues with the opposite sex, Harrison, on the other hand, says red flags are based on each individual and that listening and paying attention to body language is key.

“Sharleen, who is on the show right now, has given (Juan Pablo) a million red flags with her body language, for sure, but also just things she said. I mean, he has a daughter and last week they had a conversation when we were in Vietnam and she flat out told him ‘Yeah, the last person I dated was a single dad and I couldn’t handle it, I’m not ready for that,’” Harrison says.

“You have to listen. And I know we all get caught up sometimes in chemistry and beauty and all that, so you kind of quit listening and you think whatever they say is fine and you can fix it, but if you’re a single dad and someone said ‘I can’t handle that,’ you’re not going to go anywhere. So I think a lot of people need to make it simple and listen and pay attention.”

Harrison’s advice isn’t just for singles. He says those in committed relationships, married or otherwise, need to continue dating and not let their busy lives get in the way of remembering the things they used to enjoy doing together. Continuing to do those fun and exciting activities will help keep the relationship fresh.

Putting too much pressure on yourself to find a relationship can set you up for failure, he says. Instead, he suggests stepping back and living your life doing the things you love to do.

“I always find you’ll run into people, obviously, with similar likes and dislikes and the same feelings you have, if you put yourself out into your own life a little more and quit worrying about ‘Where can I meet Mr. or Mrs. Right?’” Harrison explains.

“If you’re not in your scene, you’re not going to meet someone you find interesting. So I think you kind of have to really, again, realize who you are, live your life, put yourself out there into your life and then I feel like that will come.”