What will we wear?

What will we wear? That’s the big question facing Scotland’s separatist movement. People need to know what clothes they will have after independence.

SNP insiders admit that uncertainty about apparel was a significant factor in the humiliating defeat suffered by separatists in 2014. Critics say that failure to address the question of dress was a major blunder by the campaign to break up the UK.

John Curtice, Professor of Politics at Strathclyde University, points to research indicating that voter uncertainty about what they would wear after independence had a measurable impact on the outcome. He said,

“My research indicates that uncertainty about what they would wear after independence had a measurable effect on the result of the 2014 referendum.”

Adam Tomkins MSP, Tory constitution spokesman, was scathing.

“It seems the Nats expected the people of Scotland to go around naked after separation. People I spoke to on the doorsteps were terrified that, if they voted Yes, natty Union Jack suits would be banned by Alex Salmond.”

Scottish Labour leader, Richard Leonard said,

“What the people of Scotland want is a real change of clothes. Instead of ripping apart the fabric of the UK we should be pooling and sharing our wardrobe. Labour is the party for the Primark many, not the Gucci few. We have the slogans. We have the soundbites. We are ready for government.”

The fashion issue was also a big worry for voters, according to Willie Rennie. The Scottish Liberal Democrat leader said,

“!t’s totally ridiculous! Instead of supporting our campaign for another referendum, Nicola Sturgeon is obsessed with having another referendum. But she still can’t tell us what will be fashionable in Scotland if it splits from the UK. Will we still be allowed to wear the same kind of clothes as our friends and relatives in England? Or will Scotland’s fashions be dictated by the SNP government? The people have a right to know.”

The controversy over what people in an independent Scotland will wear is set to be fueled by a forthcoming TV documentary which will include shocking revelations about cotton and silk production in Scotland. Figures obtained by the BBC indicate that Scotland cannot be self-sufficient in clothing and would have to rely on imports from countries where clothes are manufactured.

Interviewed for the programme, expert historian Jill Stephenson said,

“Expert historians know that, historically, clothes were unknown in Scotland prior to 1707. Experts have examined contemporary drawings of naked people which have been expertly interpreted by experts as proving that people of the time were unclothed. It seems obvious that, if Scotland ceases to be part of England it will inevitably revert to a pre-clothing age.”

Former briefly almost SNP leader Jim Sillars accused party bosses of getting it badly wrong.

“The SNP leadership has got it badly wrong”, he declared.

“Nicola Sturgeon has dropped a stitch on the clothing question”, he continued. “She really needs to roll up her sleeves and put her thinking cap on. And something about Emperor’s new clothes!”

An SNP spokeswoman heaved a sigh of weary resignation and wept tears of quiet despair.

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I think we should all adopt the burka. That would put an end to zenophobia based on the colour of people’s skin or their funny clothes. And since our whole body would be in a place where the sun don’t shine Scotland would be freckle-free in a generation.

Since, aparently, the best woad is manufactured in England, you’d think the Unionists would be happy at the Brexit-enhancing trade deal which would see woad supplies to Scotland boosting the English export trade.

Naw, we won’t all end up starkers. Nicola’s plan is to force everyone into kilts and to steal all your underwear. Sporrans made with Mundell’s spare facial hair. That Conservative ‘Power Stance’ in fact shows their unwillingness to stand still long enough to have a kilt wrapped round them.