1. Apple announced a 7 for 1 stock split as Steve Jobs rolled over in his grave at further delusion.

2. The United States recovered all the jobs lost since the debacle in 2007. George Bush is finally off the hook. Of course the majority of those jobs are serving you your latte, cocktail and entrée. Somewhere 92 million people have disappeared from the labor force. Anyone knowing their whereabouts please contact the White House.

3. 20,000 tons of copper mysteriously disappeared from warehouses in China. (David Copperfield swears he knows nothing about it!) Bankers who have lent against this metal as collateral are being invited to discuss the situation with the local Chinese Politburo. Anyone knowing whereabouts of such bankers please contact the Peoples Bank of China.