November 12, 2003

American Psycho

I short time ago, Kelly described her living situation with a psycho roommate. While I’m sure we’ve all had some freaky roommate experiences, I thought I’d share mine. Graphic evidence follows. Please turn away if you’re squeamish. This is not pretty.

Exhibit A: The Smoke Ritual
3 AM. Awakened by a strange, somewhat manic little singing noise. Opening my eyes reveals Joe sitting at one of our desks, singing and waving his hands in strange ways through a never ending plume of cigarette smoke aimed towards the desk lamp. After a few minutes I asked him what was up and he said he was nervous about classes starting. Fair enough. Sadly the Smoke Ritual went on until 6 AM.

Exhibit B: Upon My Return From Visiting My Girlfriend for the WeekendMe: Hey man.Joe: Welcome home!Me: Thanks. Hey, my beds all fucked up.Joe: Someone slept there over the weekend.Me: Okay. Who?Joe: Amy, that chick from the fifth floor.Me: Whatever.Joe: Well, and me. Sorry, I screwed her on your bed.

Exhibit C: On The Phone with MomMe: No, Joe’s not here right now.Joe’s Mom: Ok. Is he okay?Me: I think so although that might be questionable.Joe’s Mom: He’s spent a couple thousand dollars on our credit card this month.Me: Oh. That explains the new TV then and video game thing.Joe’s Mom: Has he been taking his medication?Me:You’re his mom.Joe’s Mom: He gets kind of funny when he’s not. You might want to pay attention.

Exhibit D: The Bathroom IncidentSteve (suite mate): Watch yourself in the shower.Me: Okay. Any particular reason why?Steve: I had an…incident.Me: Explanation please.Steve: I slipped in something.Me: Well, you’ve gotta watch out in the shower.Steve: Its more what I stepped in that bothers me.Me: What was it?Steve: Well, Joe was in there for a really long time and when I got in the shower there was jizz everywhere.Me: Oh. I didn’t need to know that.

Exhibit F: Resident Advisor Part OneMe: I don’t know what I expect you to do but I’m living with a freak!Him: Aside from the weird stuff at night, what else has he done?Me: I think repeated jacking off in the middle of the room is probably a biggie on my list. And the fact that he obviously does the same thing in the shower at all hours of the day.Him: Huh?Me: Yeah. You heard me.Him: While you’re there?Me: Now how else would I know?

Exhibit G: Resident Advisor Part TwoHim: We called you in here to tell you what we found. We searched your room like you asked us to.Me: And you found something?Him: Yes.Me: Lay it on me.Him: Well, we went through everything and only found six large knives, one or two pocket knives. And some brass knuckes.Me: Only? Is that not enough or something?Him: Sorry. We really can’t do much about it.

The name is Cactus, Chris Cactus. I'm married to Beth Fish and for some strange reason the universe has entrusted me with two kids - The Mia Bean and Owen (who has yet to get a cool nickname that's stuck). I've made hats, painted houses, designed websites, and built networks for a living but now I'm your average IT security geek. I like my coffee black, my politics liberal, my music loud and my books, well, I just like books.