Your Blogging Staff

Contributing to this blog:
- "Dave" is Dave Barry, who is a humor columnist and presidential contender.
- "judi" is Judi Smith, who is Dave's Research Department, as well as being interested in men.
- "Walter" is Walter, a bone from the penis of a walrus.

September 30, 2005

FROM THE "INTELLECTUAL CHICKEN" DEPARTMENT

Hi Dave,

I have a Jack In The Box complaint that needs addressed immediately!

I went to Jack In The Box and ordered a "Spicy Chicken sandwich with Lettuce and Tomato Only". To which the little speaker replied ... "No Mayo?". To which I replied "Well, just lettuce and tomato". Again the speaker responded "No Mayo?". I said "I just want the sandwich with lettuce and tomato". The reply ... "Well, they come with lettuce, tomato, and mayo. No mayo?". I replied "Whatever it takes to get it with lettuce and tomato only!".

What is wrong with people? It's like I had to say it the way they wanted or I wasn't allowed to have a Spicy Chicken sandwich. If they know it comes with 3 condiments and the person asks for only 2 then common sense should take over. Right? But NO, they want to argue about "No Mayo" versus "Lettuce and Tomato Only". They know what I want. Why are they arguing about the semantics of a Spicy Chicken sandwich's condiments? Just give me the damn sandwich!

Thanks for listening,

Greg Spradling Franklin, TN

You know what else is fun? When people call me on the phone and I say "Hello," and they say, "Is this Judi Smith?" and I say, "May I help you?" and they say, "Is this Judi Smith?" and I say, "May I help you with something?" and they say, "Is this Ms. Smith?" and I say, "What can I do for you?" and they say, "I need to know if this is Judi Smith" and I say, "And I need to know what you're calling about," and they say, "Is this Judi Smith?" and I say, "May I help you?"

My personal favorite; when someone calls and makes an absolute hash out of pronouncing my married name, then finally gives up and tries to be cute about it, asking me to help them out. I always make them keep trying to see how much they really really want that sales commission.

I think they'd order it without the rock snot as well. It has a very similar texture to the mayo, but a slightly sharper "bite". I know these things because I live in the South Island of NZ and I was very bored yesterday.

Oh.. and the other thing that's fun is when you go to Subway (tm thingy) and order a BLT sandwich and your "sandwich artist" asks you if you want lettuce and tomato on it. I've pointed this out to them a couple of times, and they don't think it's funny. Only once have I had someone skip the question, deeming it not worthy of the time it would take to ask something so obvious.

For more fun with telemarketers/salespersons go here
*crosses fingers and hopes link works.*

i wouldn't be surprised if the reason the JITB dude kept repeating the "no mayo?" question was because they've had people order, say, a spicy chicken sandwich with just tomatoes, and so they've given them a sandwich that had no lettuce OR mayo, and then the person freaked out because there was no mayo on their sandwich. people do stuff like that. maybe the guy at JITB was simply trying (in his own "can't-think-outside-the-box" kind of way) to make sure Greg was really ordering the sandwich with no mayo.

Okay, KOW, speaking of stupid people, I was shopping the other day and another lady in line was having a discussion with the cashier about how bad they felt for the animals separated from their owners due to the hurricanes (which I agree, is a shame)
Moron Lady: I don't feel sorry for the people, because they had a choice whether to go or stay, but the animals didn't have a choice.

Me: Well, the shelters wouldn't let the people bring their animals.

Moron Lady: Well, I love my animals. If it happened to me, I would go right out and buy a bigger vehicle so that me and all my pets would fit, and then we wouldn't go to a shelter, we would just sleep in the car.

Me: (thinking) Oh, so that's the problem-the poor people were too cruel to their animals. They should have run out and bought cars. Maybe then they could have saved their own lives too! Too bad FEMA didn't call this lady for advice.

Me: (in real life because I am too cowardly for a confrontation) Well, I feel sorry for both the people and the animals (scurries away before she smacks Moron Lady).

KOW: Yeah, I used to work at a McDonalds. When you're a powerless serf who has to put up with whiny impatient customers, you tend to not take risks like assuming that they consider "lettuce" and "tomato" to be of a kind with "mayo." You can't assume that they don't consider the mayonnaise to be an inherent part of the spicy chicken whatever. After all, if somebody asks for "Lettuce and Tomato only," they're asking for a salad.Twice I had to put up with people who walked right through doors which announced "We do not take bills over $50" and had to explain to them that $100 is greater than $50. They both responded "I never heard of no place that didn't take no money."

Does anyone remember the movie GOOD BURGER?
Customer: [to Ed] Excuse me? Look, I ordered one Good Burger with nothing on it.
Ed: That's what I gave you.
Customer: No! You gave me a bun. Just a bun! Look! There's no meat in here.
Ed: But you said you wanted nothing on it.
Customer: Yes, but I expected a meat patty!
Ed: Dude, a meat patty is something. You said "nothing".
[to Fizz]
Ed: Fizz, is a meat patty something or nothing?
Fizz: Uh, something?
Ed: I win!
Customer: That's it! I am reporting your name to the manager!
Ed: The manager already knows my name.
Customer: [while throwing the bun down] And I'll see you in Hell!
[Leaves]
Ed: OK! See you there!

Maybe I'm riding the geezer bus, but I thought of "Burger Master" from SNL about 30 years ago:

Three Employees: [hum a note and then sing] Hold the lettuce, hold the cheeses Special orders don't displease us

1st Customer: [enters, to employees] Hi. I'd like a burger, medium rare. Could you put grilled onions on it but no pickles. And if it's not too much trouble, would you mind pouring some Kukoa Colombian frog blood all over it, please?

1st Employee: [obnoxious grin] No trouble at allllll! [turns, fixes burger, hands it to customer who exits as the three employees hum a note and then sing:]

Three Employees:
Burgers any way you want 'em
You tell us what's off or on 'em

2nd Customer: [enters, to employees] Hi. I'd like a burger, well done. Put a little relish on it, some cold water detergent and, if it's not too much of a problem, would you mind blowing your nose on the bun?

2nd Employee: Comin' up! [turns, fixes burger, blows nose in it, hands it to customer who exits as the three employees hum a note and then sing:]

Three Employees:
Drive thru Burger Master and see
Burgers plain and burgers fancy

3rd Customer: Hey, I'd like a burger.

3rd Employee: Hey! Anything on that?

3rd Customer: Why, yes. A used hair-net, moth crystals, old radio parts, confetti, cole slaw, a cat-nipped mouse and the entire contents of a lava lamp.

3rd Employee: You're the boss! [turns, fixes burger, hands it to customer who exits as a 4th customer enters and shows a piece of paper to the employees]

Don Pardo: [voice-over] Yes, at Burger Master, you're the boss! Burgers the way you like 'em at prices that'll make you wonder where we get our meat. So why not drop down to Burger Master today?

1st Employee: [to the 4th customer] Ah, right! Here they are, sir! [employees bring out three trays of burgers and place them on the counter] Fifty burgers, each prepared in their own special way!

4th Customer: Oh, one more thing. Would you mind jumping up and down on them until they're mashed into a disgusting pulp?

1st Employee: No trouble at all!

[The employees sing as they climb up on the counter and stomp on the burgers in time with the song:]

Three Employees:
At Burger Master, you are the boss!
At Burger Master, you are the boss!
At Burger Master, you are the boss!
At Burger Master, you are the boss! etc.

I took my kids to a convenience store for supper a while back and said to the dim-bulb behind the counter that I would like 3 orders of potatoes. There are 4 in each order. She says to me, with one eye half open,"So you want sixteen?" I politely replied,"No, just 3 orders." She looks at me and says,"Three times four is sixteen!" in a sarcastic tone that only high school girls can manage. I was befuddled, so I said,"You're right, I could feel dumber", and let her charge me for 3 orders and give me 16 potatoes. I actually felt bad about it until I came to the conclusion that I paid taxes to educate this jerk.

I'm glad to know that idiotic salesclerks are not limited to my orbit. Somedays I think they're chasing me. Quite regularly, I have to correct the change I'm given (often handing coins back..). When I was in highschool (and dinosaurs roamed the earth..) calculators were not given out automatically, and you had to actually add, subtract, multiply and divide using your own ability (and the numbers on the ruler if you were desperate!)

sorry, had classes and stuff to attend before. and judi, sorry if i sounded depressed, but i've had to deal with a bunch of idiots at an actual (read: not fast-food) restaurant for the past two days to get them to refund money because they scanned my debit card twice (for my bill, and then for my friend's bill) when in actuality it was only supposed to be for my bill. i have no faith in the food service industry, and i've worked in fast-food and the restaurant business, too.

My favorite is when some dude with a thick Indian accent calls up to help me refinance my mortgage and he says his name is Mike or John or Bill or something like that. So he tells me where I live and how much I owe and all that, and I ask him where he lives and for his phone number since he has mine and I just want to be an equal partner in the conversation. They almost always say they are from California. So I say the governator is taking care of my mortgage and they are like, "huh?". Then I ask them why I would refi if they can't be honest with me. It devolves from there...

oh, i could tell you so many stories... about the supermarket checker who wrapped my carton of fake eggs separately - i guess so they wouldnt break. but stuffed a loaf of bread in the same bag as the cat litter ... but, and i'm not being sacrosanct, but i grew up kosher, and to this day, i just cant eat meat and cheese together, even tho i dont keep kosher myself...anyway, if i order a meat sandwich -turkey, ham, roastbeef, etc., they always ask if i want cheese, and when i say, no thanks, they look at me like i have broken some federal law. yes, i do eat ham. yes i do. but i dont want it with cheese. do i HAVE to have it that way???

I'm jealous of Greg that he got someone he could understand enough to have an argument with him about the mayo.

Queensbee: It does seem as though it is written in stone someplace that all sandwiches HAVE to have cheese. I get a kick out of my parents ordering double cheeseburgers without the cheese.

Artchick: Re: the rednecks and the quarter. It reminded me of something that happened to a friend of mine who is a court reporter. She had worked at a trial a Dioxin trial a number of years ago. The trial lasted several weeks and the testimony on both sides got rather complicated, involving a number of expert witnesses with backgrounds in oncology and chemistry. Finally, the case went to the jury and within the first hour, a note came out of the jury room with a question for the judge.

"What do 'ascertain' mean?"

The attorneys who were still there didn't know whether to laugh or cry. Most did both.

Anyone who has gone through the process of jury selection would know that the lawyers who "didn't know whether to laugh or cry" had worked very hard to exclude anyone who would _not_ ask such a question.

They certainly knew whether to laugh or cry. Once they were out of earshot of any public, they (the defense at least)laughed their asses off, with high-fives all around.

My personal favorite; when someone calls and makes an absolute hash out of pronouncing my married name, then finally gives up and tries to be cute about it, asking me to help them out.

Kilmeny: I hate that. Seems to me my last name is pretty straightforward. And yet most of the annoying callers insist on pronouncing it as if it had an 'a' instead of the first 'e'; what's that about? (I know that's how they pronounce things in England but this is New York.)

If you can't get my name right don't call me.

LOL, Leetie. At least it wasn't a turkey sammich.

My favorite movie drive-through scene was in Lethal Weapon 2 with Joe Pesci (as Leo Getz - "whatever you want, Leo gets. Get it?") ranting, "They FUCK YOU at the drive-thru, okay? They FUCK YOU at the drive-thru! They know you're gonna be miles away before you find out you got fucked! They know you're not gonna turn around and go back, they don't care. So who gets fucked? Ol' Leo Getz! Okay, sure! I don't give a fuck! I'm not eating this tuna, okay?"

queensbee: my brit friend thinks that's one of the weirdest things about american culture... it's fairly unusual to get cheese on things in the UK (or at least *was* unusual) and he finds cheese pretty revolting in general. you'd do well in the UK :) for me, i usually ask them if they have some unusual kind (is it low-fat? do you have muenster? or something like that) and then say well, then, no, thanks :) or (i love this) i go into a very detailed explanation of WHY i can't eat the food the way they want to sell it to me, and they don't ask me ANY MORE QUESTIONS.

at Toys R Us: she actually had to write: $25 + 25 cents, to add those two figures together. Then didn't know what one item would cost, that was priced at 3 for a dollar. She wanted to charge the lady 47 cents, as an arbitrary equivelent. The lady was fine with that. I had to say something. When the manager saw there was discussion going on, he came over to reprimand the clerk for visiting!! instead of working! When he learned what the discussion was about, he sent the clerk on a break and had another person take over. She couldn't figure out how to charge me for 6 items, on sale at 3 for a dollar.

The first thought that came to me about the "tomato" vs. "no mayo" was that perhaps the drive-thru worker wasn't that proficient in English and was actually confusing the two phrases (but then I come from Texas, where it's possible that, in any given fast-food palce, only the manager actually speaks any more than pidgin English).

My favorite story along those lines was when I was working in a restaurant where the drains clogged up and we didn't have a plunger. I went next door to the convenience store (where the workers had limited English skills) and asked where they had the plungers. They told me it was on the back row, third refrigerator from the right. This struck me as odd--why would they refrigerate their plungers...to keep the rubber firm?--but I went and looked there, only to find things like V-8 and Welch's. I went back up to the front and asked them if they were sure that was the right place, and the man said, "Yes, look again! Tomato juice, orange juice, plum juice!" He had mistaken "plungers" for "plum juice."

I just wanted to addendum what Judi was talking about, when she illustrated how telephone etiquette has declined. Anytime I call someone - even someone I know (except my mom...presumably she KNOWS the sound of my voice), I introduce myself. Nowadays, these human fungi just assume that since you picked up the phone, they have the right to speak to whomever they've just asked for.

I especially like the gleaming examples of public education who, when I pick up the phone and say "hello ?", respond with "Reba ?" (my wife). I have a somewhat deeper voice than my wife. Go figure.

So I respond with "yes, this is she - please hold on a moment, though. I am in the middle of another testosterone treatment, and then I really need to get going. My turn at the gym to spot, ya know."

I just wanted to addendum what Judi was talking about, when she illustrated how telephone etiquette has declined. Anytime I call someone - even someone I know (except my mom...presumably she KNOWS the sound of my voice), I introduce myself.

Nowadays, these human fungi just assume that since you picked up the phone, they have the right to speak to whomever they've just asked for.

I especially like the gleaming examples of public education who, when I pick up the phone and say "hello ?", they respond with "Reba ?" (my wife). I have a somewhat deeper voice than my wife. Go figure.

So I respond with "yes, this is she - please hold on a moment, though. I am in the middle of another testosterone treatment, and then I really need to get going. My turn at the gym to spot, ya know."

We used to give these fast food people a hard time when ordering by asking for a "live grenade" at the end of our food order. At a Burger King we finally met our match when a young female voice came from the box without missing a beat and asked "With or without the pin?"

I hardly ever eat fast food, so when I went thru the drive thru at Burger King, I had to ask, do you sell a hamburger that has a quarter pound of beef? I was told, That's McDonalds. So I asked if they had a burger with more than a quarter pound of beef. I kept on asking questions, trying to find out what size their burgers were (the whole conversation could be heard throughout the restaurant) and kept being told, That's McDonalds. After the sixth time, the manager took the mike from her and told me that the whopper has a quarter pound of beef, so I ordered one. Boy, did I get a sour look when I got to the window! I guess she got a sour look from her boss, as well.

I used to work at BK in a certain rural area of this great nation who would order a Mountain Dew Coke! They wanted Mt. Dew but all pop/soda was Coke. Then there was the time at 6AM when I waited on people who had just committed a double homicide, but that is a different story...and not really funny.

Remember little Spanky answering the phone when the man at the bank was calling 'Ol Cap:
Man: Who is this?
Spanky: How many guesses?
Man: Who is this?
Spanky: I don't know; I can't see ya'.
Man: This is Mr. Brown of the First National Bank. Who is this?
Spanky: This is Mr. Brown of the First National Bank. That's what you just told me.
Man: Listen, I want to speak to 'Ol Cap.
Spanky: Well, why didn't you say so in the first place!
Man: OHHH! (gives funny mean look, while Spanky runs to find 'Ol Cap)

So I went to KMart one January to stock up on wrappings when all Christmas items had been reduced by 90%. The cashier fiddled around and nervously told me that the register would only "do" discounts of up to 75%. I said pleasantly, "OK...well, here: this ribbon was $3.99 so if you round it up to $4, then you'd enter .40....and this box of cards is marked $3.50, so it would be .35." She looked at me suspiciously, said "Uh-huh...", and, moving furtively while keeping a wary eye on me, paged the manager.
The manager came over, watched us in action for a minute, and said to the cashier, "It's o.k., honey. This lady knows what she's doing."
I was glad to know that someone in a position of authority actually knew about moving the decimal point over one place to divide by ten. I hope the cashier never has to calculate a dose of medicine or cut a recipe in half.

Okay. There are several fast food places, all owned by the same corporation (a soft drink company) that, when you order a small drink will inform you that they do not have small drinks. They have medium, large and extra large. This corporate policy has gone on for something like 10 years and still makes me crazy. (and don't get me started about Starbucks!)

Just the other day, I was at the post office and the woman in front of me asked how much prepaid envelopes cost. "45 cents," was the reply. "How much for ten of them?" The guy behind the counter just stared at her, looking like he was imagining a "going postal" scene.

"14 species of large animals capable of domesitcation in the history of mankind.
13 from Europe, Asia and northern Africa.
None from the sub-Saharan African continent. "
Favor.
And disfavor.

They point out Africans’ failed attempts to domesticate the elephant and zebra, the latter being an animal they illustrate that had utmost importance for it's applicability in transformation from a hunting/gathering to agrarian-based civilization.

The roots of racism are not of this earth.

Austrailia, aboriginals:::No domesticable animals.

The North American continent had none. Now 99% of that population is gone.

4. Chinese/egyptians - this may be separated into the eastern and western worlds
5. Romans - they answer to the egyptians
6. Mafia - the real-world interface that constantly turns over generationally so as to reinforce the widely-held notion of mortality
7. Jews, corporation, women, politician - Evidence exisits to suggest mafia management over all these groups.

Many Muslims are being used like the Germans and Japanese of wwii::being used to hurt others and envoke condemnation upon their people.

I wish I could find a source to educate many Muslim fundamentalists. Muhammad is alive. He is a man chosen like Jesus Christ and, due to his historical status, will live forever.

They can affect the weather and Hurricane Katrina was accomplished for many reasons and involves many interests, as anything this historical is::
1. Take heat off Sheenhan/Iraq, protecting profitable war machine/private war contracts
2. Gentrification. New Orleans median home price of $84k is among the lowest in major American cities, certainly among desirable cities.

insomniac: ouch. as a college student, i feel i have to say that i can very easily calculate 10% (even - gasp - 15%!) in my head (although i admit that i am a nerdgirl, so there you go).

this whole thread has made me extremely grateful to not be working the drive-thru anymore. that was the main motivating force behind getting myself an edumacation - so i wouldn't find myself behind a drive-thru window in thirty years wishing i could spit in someone's food without getting fired.

I am a big man (6'-5", 280 lbs) with a very low voice. However, I was blessed at birth with an ethnic first name which is (in this country) a girl's name. I go by my middle name, which is a normal one.

Two fun things happen all the time. First, when I receive a phone call from someone who asks for (my first name) I know immediately that they have no clue who I am, so I always reply "This is she", which usually draws stunned silence.

The second is when I hand my credit card to a salesclerk. Most of them don't look, but a lot of them will ask "who is (my first name)?" or "where is she?" I'll say some thing like, "You're looking at her".

What is not fun is trying to convince airport security that I am who my ticket says I am. Sometimes two forms of ID and a masculine middle name are just not enough, but I suppose Mom and Dad had no way to see that one coming.

Betsy- I had to double a recipe once, and I had all the math down right.(I graduated in the 80's, and back then Iowa led the nation in academics, and they didn't give you a few points on the SAT just to make you feel good about being a fool.) It all went great until I set the oven to 700 degrees and left the cookies in for 30 minutes.

Candy Tutt ... I've been away, or I'd've beaten you to the "between your knees" citation ... I've mentioned it here before, in other threads that somehow reminded me of this concept/topic ...

My Bride (remember her?) used to tell me about customers, when she worked in a bank on the teller line ... nothing of details of names or anything, she's a real stickler for the confidentiality rules, but just examples of how ... um ... unaware(?) some of the customers can be ...

My fave was the time a guy went thru the drive-up lane, and she asked him for some ID ...

He didn't have a driver's license ... no, he hadn't forgotten it, he did NOT HAVE ONE ...

Then, he looked over at his passenger, and back at her, and said: "Well, HE knows me!"

Louis...oh c'mon!!! You did not!!!
(1) I don't think I've ever seen an oven that went up to 700 degrees.
(2) Even if you had the Atomic Viking Fusion WonderRange, those cookies would have been in flames by Minute Ten.

It's a great story, though. Too bad George and Gracie are gone. But we still have FEMA.

Mud, I too was "blessed" with a name of the opposite persuasion. My favorite was when I received a letter from a health center saying that they had mistakenly scheduled me for an appointment with the Urologist and asked me to call and reschedule with the proper doctor. Of course the Urologist was the proper Dr.

The stupidity around me grates on my nerves everyday, and I am glad to have a chance to laugh at some of y'all's experiences with it.

I need to point out, though, that I don't think purposely tormenting a drive thru cahsier, Greg, is an acceptable outlet for that kind of frustration. There are reasons s/he could have asked that question, many of which other posters have stated here, but there was no reason you couldn't simply have confirmed, "No mayo," the first time you were asked. It sounds to me like you decided to vent your frustration on this poor person stuck in one of the most dehumanizing, frustrating, degrading, disgusting, dead-end jobs there is.

I would love to see people in all jobs and all walks of life held accountable for their misguided attempts at taking intellectual responsibility, but I don't think we do that by casting aspersions on people based on their age, generation, first language, or line of work.

I've some sympathy for the drive-up operator, since I know that sometimes things that seem odd to the one-time observer actually make sense from the other side.

The window operator could have had ten people prior who said "lettuce and tomato only" meaning "no bacon" who then scolded and demanded refunds when they didn't get mayo.

I once worked for the Census Bureau building the mailing list for the census. We had to knock on doors (sometimes walking by their mailbox or house number) and ask people their mailing address.

Yep. Literally hundreds thought it was clear proof of a government gone insane. Of course, it made perfect sense to the people with PO Boxes, taking mail at a different addresses, or with multiple tenants with different mailing addresses in the home.

I used to work as a clerk in a hotel.
"Thank you for calling Comfort Inn *name of city here*, this is Tammy, how may I help you?"
Is this the Comfort Inn? In *name of city*?"
(Pause. Deep cleansing breath.) "Yes, it is."
"Do you have rooms?"
(Resists temptation to respond," No, actually, this is a pizza parlor.") "What date are you interested in?"

On the other hand, one does get some interesting stories to tell from that sort of experience. My personal favorite is the one about the lady that locked herself out of her room. Stark naked. Big snork occurs with the thought that technically one is supposed to present photo ID when obtaining a duplicate key-card. Bigger snork wondering where the ID might have been stashed if she could present it.

Having spent about 900 nites in motels in the last 3.6 years, I've heard of -- or been nearby -- some of those stories to which you allude, r.e. the motel "happenings" ... personally, tho ... I've only locked myself out of my room about three or four times in that stretch ... the first year on the job, it was almost six months before it happened ... the second year, it took me three days to do it ... I've also seen some guests that I wondered where they kept their keys ... very nearly naked, and apparently not too concerned about the fact, or whether they were locked out of their room ...

U.O - I gave her a bright yellow rain slicker to wear back to her room. That may not have been much less conspicuous. As I recall, she was extremely offended when one tiny little snork escaped me. (As if I could help it at that point) That may be my only truly funny hotel story.
The worst is trying to convince someone that because he flushed the washcloth (does toilet paper chafe his delicate a$$? could he not reach the spare roll of TP approximately 8 inches away?) which backed up the plumbing (the smell could gag a goat) which flooded his room and the one next to it, I'm not giving him a refund. Even sadder, the next day the manager apologized and gave him a refund. *whimper*

I was in a hotel in Vermont last fall and had to listen to the poor lady behind the counter get berated by some dumb ass because he got maple syrup on himself at breakfast (its the hotel's fault that he can't feed himself?). He insisted the hotel pay his dry cleaning bill.

I was also in line at a fast food joint in the Midwest once, where the family in front of me were tourists from another country. The dad repeatedly needed reassurance from the teenage kid serving burgers that said burger was made of cow, not horse. You can imagine the poor kid's face!

This isn't really funny, more like sad, but I was in a CVS drug store and the clerk asked me multiple times, "Did you find everything you was looking for?" I asked her to repeat it at first because I didn't hear what she said, but the more times she said it the more it sounded like nails on a blackboard. It's fine to talk among your friends however, but if you are paid to interact with customers you should at least KNOW that "did you find everything you was looking for" is not standard English. I'm probably overreacting, but it was really starting to get to me after the 3rd time she said it.