Purpose of this Thread

Everybody gather. I have been waiting a long time to do this. Now, I hope you all can bear with me as I explain the purpose of this thread.
You see, a long time ago, I found myself standing in a very large building. This very large building happened to house a can of peas. Upon viewing this can of peas that sat alone in a very large building, I decided to take it upon myself to eat these peas. But now I, standing in a very large building and looking at this lonely can of peas, found myself facing a conundrum. I had no can-opener!
Well, to make a long story short, I walked through the very large building and picked up the lonely can of peas and took them outside. I inquired of a strange old woman if she knew where I might find a can-opener. The strange old woman opened her eyes (for she had been walking with her eyes closed) and looked at me. I saw within the strange old woman's eyes something that had been troubling me for a very long time.
To make a long story short, what I saw in the strange old woman's eyes was the very dog who had chewed up my first baseball mitt. This very dog that chewed up my first baseball mitt had haunted my dreams for years, a phrase which, here means "troubled me greatly". I had spent those years, of which my dreams had been haunted by this very dog that chewed up my first baseball mitt, searching for the answer to why this very dog that I now saw in the strange old woman's eyes would chew up my first baseball mitt.
Anyway, to make a long story short, I saw the answer to my vexing question within this strange old woman's eyes. You see, the very dog that chewed up my first baseball mitt--the act of which having haunted my dreams for years--was only seen in one of the strange old woman's eyes. In the other was the answer to my question that had been vexing me ever since the very dog that chewed up my first baseball had begun haunting my dreams.
To make a long story short, the answer was written on a scroll that had been implanted in the strange old woman's cornea. I couldn't read the scroll, for it was very tiny, so I asked the strange old woman if I might borrow her eye. The strange old woman's reply to this rather blunt question was just as strange as the old woman.
To make a long story short, she said yes, but only if I carried the eye in a can of peas. I asked her why it needed to be carried in a can of peas, for a can of peas is not usually the thing one would use to carry an eye, plucked from the socket of a strange old woman. The strange old woman's reply to my rather obvious question was quite the opposite of obvious, and near synonymous with the word strange.
To make a long story short, the strange old woman told me that her eye--the very eye which carried the scroll (the scroll carrying the answer to my vexing question as to why the dog, the very dog which haunted my dreams, would chew my first baseball mitt)--must be carried in a can of peas because it was the only substance strong enough to hold the scroll. If I were to carry the eye, which carried the scroll, in anything but a can of peas, the message--and answer to my question about the very dog that chewed my first baseball mitt--would be lost forever.
Well, to make a long story short, I told the strange old woman that I had a can of peas, but I had no can-opener with which to open my can of peas. The strange old woman looked at the can of peas in my hands--the very can of peas that I had taken from the very large building in which this can of peas had first sat--and told me that I must find a can-opener as soon as possible.
[i][b]I'm sorry, but it appears that it is taking longer than I had first expected to explain the purpose of this thread. I will continue from here in a different post (a different post, yet posted in this very thread) and I will attempt to make the point of this thread clear to all who have had a strong desire to find said point. Please be patient, I'll try and make this very long story as short as possible.[/i][/b]

Halifax, it is a good story, However I feel that if it goes too much longer, I'll snap and be waiting every second night and day for a continuation of this story. If that need for story is not met the little monster that resides in us all will be unleashed and go on a killing rampage not giving you a chance to finish this simple story which explains the purpose of this forum.
As a side not, why does it seem that everytime i find you somewhere you are typing up something of mass proportions which gets engulfed by us (the consumer) who then uses it as brain food to go on living another day. Why do you do that? What is the point of keeping us alive if you have to write almost constantly to maintain our simple existence and slowly kill yourself, starting with the biggest jelly-sack of them all, The Brain.
I would like to also take a note to the second paragraph(?) and say that I intend in no way for it to be taken completely seriously, this also counts for anything else I write. I am deeply apologetic if anyone takes some sort of offense over what I have written.
[b] I do apologize if this post turned out a bit longer than what I had expected, it grew out of my imagination-bubble as I wrote, if there is anyone to blame for the sheer size of my post, it is the monster that is inside, but that is only natural since we all have to feed our little monster sometime and right now I had to feed him.
Again, sorry for the size. [/b]