Thursday, August 21, 2014

I would guess that if we
asked parents what kind of adult they want their child to be when they grew up;
many would mention qualities like, “successful,” “happy,” or “high-achieving.”
Would many parents mention qualities such as, “caring,” “kind,” or “unselfish?”
I sure many would, but according to new research, many children are not getting
this last message.

A compelling new study from HarvardUniversityresearchers shows
that among American students (middle and high school), the majority (80%) say
they value high achievement or happiness over caring for others (20%). While
this is important in itself, perhaps more interesting is the fact that the
majority of these youth also report feeling that their parents value
achievement or happiness over caring. This is despite numerous other research
findings showing that parents cite raising caring kids as a top priority. In
other words, parents say they want to raise caring kids, but the kids are not
getting this message from parents’ daily actions. The authors of the study call
this a rhetoric/reality gap.

If you are like me, I find
this report more than a little disconcerting. The thought that we could be
raising a generation of kids who so overwhelmingly value achievement and
happiness over caring for others is first problematic on a moral front. Even if
this aspect does not bother everyone, the authors also point out that the
result of focusing so intensely on achievement and happiness is ultimately a
less happy child. Several studies have found that in communities where students
are pressured to perform at high levels, there are higher rates of depression
and behavior problems. Similarly, when children’s achievement or happiness is
prioritized over caring for others, they often fail to development relationship
skills that are needed to sustain long-term relationships.

What can we, as parents, do
to close this rhetoric/reality gap? The researchers give several good
suggestions and many of them focus on simply setting a good example of caring
for others, being respectful and fair and most importantly, demanding that our
children do the same, even if it makes
them unhappy. Other ideas include:

Ask your child’s teacher if
they are kind to classmates, in addition to how they are performing
academically

Have children practice
expressing gratitude to others in their lives (waitresses, grandparents, etc.)

Use news stories about
others who are suffering to explain to children how other people face
challenges and struggles in other settings or other countries

Give children
opportunities to reach out to help others in the larger community (e.g., help
at a food bank, assist an elderly neighbor)

Holidays

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This blog is dedicated to providing insights for parenting babies, toddlers, teens, and young adults. We attempt to integrate both research and experience-based information into our posts. This blog is written for all parents, although some posts may reflect the values of the authors. We invite all to comment and become involved in the discussions about our posts.