Category Archives: Writing

I love full moon nights. I believe that myths about werewolves, witches, vampires, and whatever is connected to full moon have origins. When I was a child, I used to leave my bed and wander in the balcony, longing to catch proof; an ounce of spark that would satisfy my vivid – almost realistic imagination. Ironically, I was a very skeptical child, I questioned anything and everything, too curious that I forced my parents to answer my questions bluntly & avoid me. However, when it comes to myths, what’s far and beyond the invisible, I was welling to reach horizon for facts. I never questioned that reality, I was just seeking origins.

I remember every-time I traveled with my family, I would sneak at nights, run to the beach and stare at the waves until sunrise. That’s only when I felt/feel alive. Something about the unknown attracts me, like unearthly magnet. I wonder if my humble existence is naturally attracted to this miraculous force – opposites attract anyway BUT not everyone is enchanted by that.

Now, as I am an official adult, I remain longing for the other realms. However, I discovered that on this insignificant chaotic planet there are also magical forces – invisible, terrifying, bittersweet, strong yet vulnerable….. Forces that can give you everything and take them back in an eye blink. Moments are the absolute definition of PARADOX, they could be boring, draining, long OR magical, short and euphoric. Sometimes I wonder if time travel or dancing through dimensions actually happens during these moments!

I feel that when time and love collide, the human definition of time becomes irrelevant. We simply transcend during few seconds that all the surroundings start to vanish smoothly until everything is blurred yet beautiful, a state of art where feelings takes a physical form and colors are felt not only seen. Time is no longer relevant, you think ten seconds pass in hours and days are not enough..

Exploring our Five senses become addictive, we want to try everything all over again. However, everything is new… Senses change to a spontaneous uncontrollable power. Mind, body and soul unite and transforms to a new fresh being…

It is ironic how a slight attack could change everything. It’s uneasy to explain or make feelings coherent. After all, borderline personality disorder comes with bits and pieces from everything else. Sometimes anxiety, unexplained fears, and the worst of all DEPRESSION. BPD comes with its baggage, as if, we, humans need more burdens! The world is hard itself, surviving is an act of courage in the 21st century, what’s the point behind having unseen monster that carves out holes on our fragile existence. And no matter how much you fight, monitor those thoughts and plead….. Nothing leaves.

I remember few years ago when I took a challenging decision to quit medications, I knew its going to be uneasy ride in my emotional circus. But, today I would do it all over again, I would take the very same decisions. Because it helped me, when I browse online forums and read what people are saying about their experiences, I wonder if that could be me OR I am just another spectrum. I read words that I am completely unfamiliar with “Co-dependence, manipulation, emotional abuse” and I wonder if I have ever been like that, I wonder if my father’s death shaped the different case of borderline I came across. I isolated myself from the world and wrapped myself in darkness to be safe, I managed to learn dealing with my volatile mood. I confess I mastered manipulation, a skill I learned as a reaction to those who truly deserve it, however, at some point in my life I was done. I despised seeing myself getting dragged in the path branded by manipulation, that wasn’t me. I had to escape.

I learned to put myself in everyone’s shoes regardless, to forgive and accept an apology I will NEVER get. After all, I didn’t want to see a corrupted image of myself and use BPD as my ultimate scapegoat.

Now, I look back and process how did the past 5 years pass in an eye blink, where I am today and the price I paid…. A very expensive price and I am not sure if anything in the world is worth losing human being in the process.

I look back knowing that I am 200% stronger, capable of handling my past and controlling my demons… I know that every episode will eventually pass, every heartache will go, and while soul-ache remains; I am certain that life is bittersweet.

I wish I can simply explain everything to the people who care, but I can’t or won’t. I have to fight this battle alone, I am not used to have someone under my skin, I won’t put my guards down, or share my darkest moments. I remember a friend said that I tend to use grand wording, because my feelings are quite huge. He didn’t know that he defined me, I am larger than life.

– I still remember that day when words remained unsaid, when soul-aches pushed me apart like tornado, when my life changed and the roller-coaster ceased to define me. But I am fine… I can still swing in my personal opera, paint smiles out of sea waves, dance naked under the cold rain and breathe in silver moonlights.

Thoughts are like snakes tangling everything I am. Reality is intertwined with fantasy. I can no longer recognize myself or my dreams or what I am longing for…. I am lifeless, numb and ruined. Feelings are so huge that I am unable to create a coherent statement or explain how I feel. I wonder if tomorrow I can just vanish, disappear in existence like a forgotten feather that once witnessed remarkable moments and history through its flying journey.

But I am alive… I am alive even if surviving murders every ounce of my existence, I am alive even if memories are collection of razor blades torn my emotions, bleed and dance in my chaotic mind… my mind … my bitter sweet circus.

Like this:

Lying on her bed before dawn, watching the night and light intertwining from her small window – with a cigarette between her lips, music in her mind, and fearful mess. She took an oath, not to return to his mangled shadow, not to fall for the charming beast. Nevertheless, she suddenly pauses… “Not to fall, who am I fooling, I did and I am tangled” she whispered…

The alluring stranger occupied her life smoothly. An intelligent fool he was, to take the hurtful path to her heart thinking that loving him would blind her from his disguise.

She tasted his masquerade from the very start, she smelled his lies from the first moment… Yet, the few sincere looks in his eyes tempted her, his heavenly touch brought hope… A hope for the beauty and the beast to become one against all odds.

He was unaware that the invisible pierces her, his demons persuaded him to what’s hidden is to be changed and a moment of truth shall be delayed. If he only knew, what she knows… If he only gave in to what he is and what they were…

He drowned close to her and whispered “I love you, you are unreal…you are intensely pure” – She got lost in his eyes, held him close and devoured his lips… He got lost in their passion, and he misread her wrench.. He misinterpreted pain with love, for what she acquainted was rough…

She adored him, he unchained her senses and regained her passion, if he only knew that she was longing for clarity… If he only knew, she knows…

She had to escape, she had to leave.. For what she loved was unreal.. For what she yearned, can not be revealed…

Would you quit your disguise? Can I undress your masquerades? Did you know that she loved the beast? Did you want her dead or alive? Did you love her? Are you longing to posses her? You are toxic, immortal poison……

I don’t want to win, you will remain underneath my skin, but I will never dive within. I am leaving you amid your sins.

She wore her dark dress, watched her devious reflection in the dark mirror – tasted the last drop of their wine and with pride, she wore her crown.

“There is a fine thread between love and rebellion, and as much as we deny this fact, it remains the ultimate truth of our existence.. When you love, you rebel against your very nature, against what you thought is right or wrong, against your own morals… You go way beyond your defenses. You leave your battlefield consciously and surrender to his battlefield.. Yet it doesn’t mean that you will stay, it does not mean that you will surrender for good… In fact, this momentary euphoria is only to be maintained by his efforts of lifting you up, NOT possessing you..” Diabolique whispered… She found pleasure to let her shield down for the first time in ages, to control giving in for a specific situation, yet what he did not understand that she is aware of every ounce of detail, every whisper, every word and every hollow part that remains ambiguous.. The way he touched her was too intense – and genuine. The way she breathed him in was unspeakable… She was one step closer to fall, when her alerts flashed,…when suddenly every hollow detail shined out bright.. She was surprisingly willing to compromise, she just wanted honesty, however, she didn’t demand it. She was waiting for his so-called wisdom to read beneath the lines, to be strong enough…. to face her and scream “I am your enemy”…. Nevertheless, he was too lackadaisical blinded by his mental misfortune — his past and what he thought his human interaction experience. He failed to see her gifts, and she fooled intentionally him with her angelic nature; that he forgot – She is Diabolique heart and soul. She is authentic and heavenly gifted, and this profound combination of paradise and Inferno is unbeatable by mankind, for charming him is inevitable. She bewitched him and escaped… They are the beauty and the beast… “Darling, I engraved passion in your soul and scars in your heart.” Diabolique.. To be continued…………………..

They are the beauty and the beast… “Darling, I engraved passion in your soul and scars in your heart.” Diabolique.. To be continued…………………..

“Darling, I engraved passion in your soul and scars in your heart.” Diabolique..