Your problems answered

To the outside world and to our children of 17 and 21 we have the perfect marriage. We have a nice house, no money worries and my husband treats me like royalty.

He is a good father, my best friend and we enjoy the same things. But I don’t love him and never have. We met when I was a vulnerable, overweight, lonely 19-year-old. My father had committed suicide when I was 13, and my mum was wrapped up with her new boyfriend. So when he showed an interest in me I was over the moon, not because I was in love with him but because I was grateful.

Now, aged 43, I feel that I have wasted my life. I have told my husband that I have never loved him and he is crushed, but he insists that I should make a decision on what is right for me. Is it wrong to want to experience love? He would be devastated if I left him.

I wonder whether, because of your father’s suicide and your mother’s lack of interest, you have held back from falling in love with your husband, who is also your best friend, because it does not feel safe to love again in case you lost him too. Or perhaps because you were so young you feel you have missed out on playing the field, or maybe you have never really fancied him.

Don’t think of it as a wasted life, as there seems to have been so much that has been good and you have provided a happy home for your two children. Don’t make any decision until you have really talked this through with a counsellor (for a list of local practitioners visit relate.org.uk or bacp.co.uk). Though your husband would be devastated if you left, he equally might find it hard if you stayed knowing that you have never loved him if that is really so.

I’m a second-choice granddadI am jealous of my first grandchild’s relationship with his other grandfather – my daughter’s father-in-law. When we are all together the other grandfather (who is a good guy) does all he can to get my grandson’s attention and spends all his time with him. I don’t get a look in. If I go to play with him he clings to the other grandfather, which is deeply upsetting.

Don’t misunderstand me – it’s great that he has two sets of loving grandparents. And when it’s just my wife and I alone with him he always wants to be with me. But I am now avoiding family gatherings because I cannot escape my feelings. I just don’t want to be a second-best grandfather.

This is understandably painful but I am sure it can be resolved. When you are with your grandson on your own, take every opportunity to play with him so he sees what fun you can be. Gently talk to your daughter about your worries, but also stress that you are delighted that he has two sets of adoring grandparents.

When the families are all together, she could join in the play and make sure you are equally included so that your grandson is playing with both grandfathers. As the other grandfather is basically a good guy, with a little prompting from your daughter he will be more aware of what is happening and learn to share your grandson with you so neither of you is excluded.

His ex overshadows my lifeOn too many occasions my partner of two years has called me by the name of his ex, who had affairs with married men and eventually left him. He has apologised, but I am hurt and infuriated. I am 42 and he is 57. His ex has also been extremely difficult in relation to me and their two children.

I have told him I will not have my life dictated by her. I am divorced and have combined bringing up four children with running a successful business. He also has a wife but they have not lived together for 20 years. He has tried to divorce her three times but she has resisted. His working life is as messy as his personal life. Am I overreacting?

No, it is extremely upsetting, but I fear getting your name wrong is another example of his messy approach to life. It sounds as if he is attracted to powerful women who then ride roughshod over him. Being a stepmother is not easy, especially if their mother is trying to pull all the strings.

You and she may have very different views on bringing up children, but just as you need to understand her point of view, your partner should equally not just jump to his ex-partner’s or his children’s every demand. Maybe he is charming, but not really the right man for you.

Our relationship is so one-sidedLast year my partner of three years moved in with me. I pay for just about everything – all he pays for is half the weekly grocery shopping. We are both in our 50s and he has just retired. I am still working.

He is short of cash because he supports his ex-wife. We share the cooking but I do most of the housework and gardening, and he refuses to do more. He drinks a bottle of wine every evening. Our sex life is practically nonexistent. I am wondering if there is any future in this relationship.

Absolutely not: he is using you as a free hotel. On top of that he has a drink problem, which may also be why your sex life is suffering. It sounds as if he is in denial about his drinking and therefore he is unlikely to do anything about it so it could get worse. Don’t stay with a man who appears to have so little regard for you and who is likely to make you more disillusioned and unhappy.