Saturday, September 18, 2010

Why am I Psycho?

You want to know why I'm psychotic? Why I've never been like "normal girls"? Where to begin...

Let's start at the beginning. It's usually the best place to start. I was 2 when my mother walked away. I didn't even remember her. If you ask my father, she was an alcoholic who wasn't ready for children. If you ask my mother, he came at her with a gun and she left because she feared for her life. If you ask me, it doesn't really matter why she left. She set the rest of the story into action.

Being a single father, naturally my father needed a baby sitter. Thus enters Randy into the picture. Older (I was only 4 or 5, so older could be anywhere between 20 and 40....I think he was around the same age as my father). I remember having to touch him. Having him touch me. I have spent the last 30 years blocking the memory...I'm not about to bring it back...

But, no matter. I was soon to learn that not only was my father single, he was also desperate. He wanted someone...no...make that he NEEDED someone...to love him. So much so that he eventually found a woman who beat me and my sister regularly and so long as she loved him, he let her do as she will.

He did try to stop her. Once. I remember her saying "fine...she's your daughter...you take care of it..." And so he did. By beating me within an inch of my life. I remember him kicking me, bruising me, my nose and lip bleeding, my body aching.

This became a constant occurrence. Until, several years later, 18 yet in my last year of high school I finally left for good.

Yeah, for good.

So much for "for good".

Since leaving, 2 brothers have committed suicide, one is in jail for drugs/domestic violent. 1 sister finally managed to make a life for herself with her husband and children...the other has done the same, but with many more scars than she should have to deal with.

Sometimes, Brandon and Matthew, I think you two were smarter than the rest of us. Sometimes I envy you both. Other times, I wish you'd asked me for help. I would have been there. No questions asked.

To the two responsible for Brandon and Matthew taking their own lives....the two responsible for Ray being in jail...those responsible for us 3 girls struggling every day with the fates of the boys and the actions in our pasts...I have tried to forgive. I've tried to understand. I've tried to forget. And all I can pray, God help me, is that some day Karma comes back and kicks you in the mother-fucking ass. You're not worth my forgiveness or love or mercy. I hope your death is slow and painful and leaves no other victims as you have both already left enough.