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Thursday, July 26, 2012

So many things

There are so many things I'll never get to do with my son. Sometimes I don't think I even quite understand how much I am missing and will miss out on. I miss Marcellus every day, every second of every day. Most days it is just a general longing for him though. But some days, something hits me.

The other night we were watching a TV show. The show ended with the mom getting out a box of her teenage daughter's old art projects. Things she had saved over the years. They started looking through it together and my heart sank. I will never have that with Marcellus.

I will never get to do crafts with him. Making the dining table into our own little art studio. Hanging his creations on the refrigerator.

He will never come home from school with an art project he made just for his momma. Or one he didn't make just for me, but I would love all the same.

I will never have that drawer or box of Marcellus's artwork.

Would he be a perfectionist like me needing everything to be just right before he finished? Or a little more care free?

And even if he never turned out to be an aspiring artist, I would have treasured all those little scribbles, messes, and goofy creations with all my heart.

And while grief is a part of my daily life, the other night I grieved specifically for that. For the loss of getting to create and receive artwork from my boy. That realization was in a way like losing a piece of him all over again.

Marcellus, what would you have made for your momma? I wonder what my favorite thing would have been? A scribbling mess? A picture of stick figures labeled "Mommy", "Daddy", "Marcellus", and "Perkie" (would you have included Kirby the turtle too?)? Macaroni glued to construction paper? I would have treasured every single thing you made my sweet boy. Missing you so much little squirmy wormy! Love you! xoxox

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About Me

My motherhood journey has been one of many twists and turns, ups and downs. I placed my first child, my daughter, for adoption in Oct 2002. My son, Marcellus was born exactly 9 years later (Oct 2011). He was born premature and passed away at 12 days old due to the evil known as NEC. My rainbow baby boy, Ethan, was also born premature in Dec 2012 and we were so very blessed to bring him home in Feb 2013. I lost a second baby in Jan 2015 to an early miscarriage at about 5.5-6 weeks gestation. We named that baby Lark. In Nov 2015 I gave birth to another rainbow baby boy, Weston, at almost 37 weeks gestation. He was born perfectly healthy and came home from the hospital with us. My living children bring me so much hope and joy, but they will never replace Marcellus or Lark.
I will forever be Marcellus's Mommy.