Infinity is paradoxical, and because of that so is the universe. Or rather more importantly to us, we are paradoxical. Because of the limits of our senses and our brains, we could never prove anything in the universe, so that doesn't matter anyways. I've been searching for answers everywhere, yet when I turned to the one thing I thought was solid & logical, math, I realized there technically are no answers. Now I could go on and on about why infinity is interesting, paradoxical, yet stable and unstable at the same time, that's not my point. My conclusion is terribly unsettling, because no matter how much I search and search I'll never figure out anything with any certainty. I feel like the abyss I've described before, is all the more real and all the more inescapable. How do I know if I'm doing the right thing? How do I know if I'm heading in the right direction if there is no point of reference. So many things go through my head, I couldn't possibly hope to write them all here, so much science, logic, and philosophy, because that's where I look for my answers. But the thing I realize is none of that matters, because none of that is really real. All it is is an explanation of our perception of the world, or rather how our brains perceive the world. We only have 5 senses to perceive the 3 dimensions we live in. When there are infinite dimensions and universes to perceive. For the same reason we can't imagine a new color, we can never perceive key elements around us that are or aren't there because we don't have the tools to measure them. So the only thing we can ever know is already inside of us, our brains. Science as we know it is more like psychology than anything, in fact you could argue everything is psychology, human, and because we're paradoxical, we'll never truly understand life. Because there are no answers, or rather there are infinite answers because there are infinite questions. Even death, a certainty in life is not so clear. In fact there's many theorys explaining how we could possibly be immortal, like quantum immortality. But even discluding that there's another theory I've come to. Time, is quite possibly the fourth dimension, because we only experience it in many slices, in the same way a 3 dimensional object is made up of many 2 dimensional slices. So one could say our life as a whole is an object, like a book. It is always happening for the first time, turn to any page in a book and read it, and it's happening in the present. That's an idea I always liked in literature. But what does that mean? Death is only a face so to speak of our life, birth and death are the faces on a square, and life is everything inside of that square. In all it encompasses an object. That could even mean the future is already set, like pre-destiny. Hell I could ramble and ramble why life is so confusing and paradoxical, but in reality it doesn't change a thing. And that's so fucking frustrating because the way we work we're always going to be asking questions that don't mean a god damned thing. It's pointless! Life is pointless! That's the concept I keep arriving at, and it urks me to the point of insanity.

Okay so now that you know a little bit about how my brain works, let me explain how all that relates to my abuse. It means that my pain is infinite. There's a well so to speak filled with an infinite amount of pain, in the form of memories & analysis of them. Because I can ask infinite questions about my past, and come to an infinite number of conclusions that ultimately don't matter, that gives me an infinite source of pain. How can I ever hope to escape that?

Well, technically isn't it simple? Stop asking questions. Stop thinking about it. Avoid everything that brings up questions. But wouldn't that mean therapy is harmful? Wouldn't that render this site harmful? But then again, it's not simple, because I have 12 years of memories relating to abuse, so I can't possibly avoid everything that will trigger me so to speak. So is it impossible? I'm royally fucked. I'm like a computer program that's entered a paradox, a function that keeps looping. Quite literally, it does not compute. I've fallen into infinity and I can't get out.

I wasn't going to post this, but I guess I have no reason to and no reason not to, so I might as well put it out there so it's outside of me. I probably make no sense anyways, but fuck it...

I want to disclaim, I don't think I'm right or that I have any answers. These are just theories that go through my mind (some based on theories I've read about), I could be completely wrong about everything and I know that.

Edited by CloudyFalls (12/13/1205:52 AM)

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"The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it." - Albert Einstein

To-morrow, and to-morrow, and to-morrow,Creeps in this petty pace from day to dayTo the last syllable of recorded time,And all our yesterdays have lighted foolsThe way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle!Life's but a walking shadow, a poor playerThat struts and frets his hour upon the stageAnd then is heard no more: it is a taleTold by an idiot, full of sound and fury,Signifying nothing.-Macbeth, Act 5, Scene 5.

Yes, I suffer from chronic insomnia. And sometimes, when I can't sleep, I read the classics. Even Shakespeare. He was a wise dude, old Bill...

But in this instance, I like to think that he is wrong. Or at least taking the wrong perspective. In the bigger scheme of things, our lives may not have much of a point, but look closer - my life matters to my daughter. The fact that you wrote this here, and made me think, means that your life matters to me. Who knows how much this can mean to someone else who reads it? If you touch one person, once, your life matters.

Originally Posted By: CloudyFalls

I'm like a computer program that's entered a paradox, a function that keeps looping. Quite literally, it does not compute. I've fallen into infinity and I can't get out.

I don't believe that everything is pre-destined. If our lives are a computer programme, its a script that can be changed - even at runtime. If we are in an infinite loop... perhaps we cannot change the condition that will allow us to escape, but we CAN change the properties that have to fulfil it. To escape from this loop of memories and questions and pain... we need to find peace. If we can be at peace with our past, we don't have to keep asking the questions.

What will bring you peace? I'm beginning to understand what will bring me peace - being able to accept myself fully and completely, being able to let go of "If only...", and most importantly, to let go of the anger/resentment - the "they should have...!". I believe that would bring be peace, and enable me to fulfil the conditions that will allow me escape from this loop...

Remember- Macbeth committed a grievous violation by murdering a guest in his home and benefitted from that act- so of course he was haunted, conflicted and even damned. (Damn- sounds like my abusers..)

I think I suffer from or am haunted by other things- hence the thinking that loops in my mind searching for resolution or a way out. Those things are well know. to survivors of abuse- confusion, pain, loneliness, anger, desperation, brokenness.

They are not be same as:InfinityHellEndless suffering

Those are NOT my lot in life- i have traumatic feelings stuck or associated with the abuse- but those feelings are not facts of my life today' (even though I may re-experience simar scenarios or perceive them to be true today)

the fact is today i have support. I reach out. I share my struggles. I grow stronger by taking the path other men have shown me works for them.

And I offer my hand to my brothers who are suffering. There is relief in this world.

Edited by Mountainous Buck (12/13/1208:10 AM)

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We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

Infinity? Perception? You? I always looked at it like “can you perceive infinity? Meaning can the senses you have perceive infinity. I like CG say yes for the same reason he does, every interaction with every creature great or small on this planet affects them and their infinity ever so slightly, when you are in love a much greater part of yourself affects a much larger part of anothers infinity which in turn affects you in kind so extrapolate that out and every one of us is affecting everyone elses infinity ect. See one thing I do know for sure is that your perception is limitless it is not bound by just 5 senses, think love, think caring, these things are infinite they will affect forever everyone who comes in contact with everyone you love and care about. I think the issue here is that guys like us naturally live in the negative of love; hate and self-loathing, so much so we spend too much energy trying to destroy ourselves, so much was taken but nothing was given in return, our abuse was just abuse not love, the things we were part of were meant for love not the horror that has forced us to realize how negative infinity works. It is a great destroyer, look at the guys who come back from war, they suffer PTSD just like us, they lost their humanity by the things they like us had no choice but to be a part of, not trying to compare war trauma with csa just saying they both can lead to PTSD. Infinity is infinite it will never stop, its boundless, its timeless, its everything around us, it is us and we are it; it is the god within us. We have the choice every waking second of our lives to be positive in the universe, we also can do the opposite, something us gentlemen reading this know all too well. See that’s what I see as the greatest problem we face as a people, so much hate, so much killing so much pain and misery inflicted by each other, it’s a huge problem but not insurmountable, it just takes one person at a time to realize the affect they can have positively on everyone around them.

Cee

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"it has never yet been discovered how to make man unknow his knowledge, or unthink his thoughts"

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