Published 6:30 am, Sunday, March 7, 2010

Name:Zeus. It's a kind of formidable name to live up to, but I try my best.

Brithdate:July 2, 2007

Breed:I'm a little bit min pin and a lot of Italian greyhound. If you want me to fetch something, I'll have it back in .004 seconds.

Turn-ons: I loved watching the U.S. versus Canada gold medal hockey game. But that'll be my fill of hockey for the next four years. Here's what I don't understand. Americans clearly enjoy the Olympic style of hockey more than the NHL style. TV ratings for Olympic hockey completely obliterate NHL ratings. So why doesn't the NHL change its rules so the players have to play like the Olympic teams? Thick-headed, self-destructive NHL.

Here's the best thing about self-checkout at the supermarket. Let's say you want to break a $100 bill, but you're embarrassed to ask a cashier for change. Some stores won't give you change, or they make you wait until the cash-register drawer is open. Self-checkout doesn't mind. Just buy a Hershey bar for 35 cents (love Hershey bars) and stick your hundy in the slot. You'll get $99.65 cents in change, plus a phony recorded “thank you.”

Conan O'Brien reportedly is thinking of taking his canceled TV show on the road as a live stage show. This guy doesn't take no for an answer. O'Brien whittled the Tonight Show audience down from 5 million to barely 2.5 million. Jay Leno's first day back on the Tonight Show: 6 million viewers. Apparently O'Brien's problem wasn't a weak lead-in from prime time or the local news. The problem was O'Brien. Like that Pogo comic strip, we have met the enemy, and it's us.

The Harris County Medical Examiner has released the cause of death for former pro wrestler Umaga. Not surprisingly it was acute toxicity due to the combined effects of hydrocodone (pain pills), carisoprodal (a muscle relaxant known as Soma), and diazepam (Valium).

Ideal home:Here's what I don't get about college basketball. There are 12 teams in the Atlantic Coast Conference. Not one of them has a losing overall record. In the Big 12 Conference, only four teams have a losing record. The Big East has 16 teams, only two have losing records. Southeastern Conference, 12 teams, only four with losing marks. If the vast majority of teams in major conferences have winning seasons … who's doing all the losing? Hey, stop scheduling early season games against Visible Changes University and Hamburger U. just so you can build a phony record.

Zeus is available for adoption at Citizens for Animal Protection, www.cap4pets.org, 11925 Katy Freeway (between Kirkwood and Dairy Ashford). Call 281-497-0591. Meet more animals in need of homes at http://chron.com/petadoptions.