Wednesday, June 03, 2009

item #2229

Friday was about my future, I realise; and maybe I dwell too much upon that, as I suspect you think, but don't say. You asked me to write about my innermost feelings. So here I am, doing just that. You said my writing should include earlier, more involved writing, which I did when I felt myself to be more lucid. I started to get emotional when you suggested I was not quite as perceptive as I used to be. It seemed too sudden, and I remembered feeling guilty about situations I still cannot believe really happened to me; so I reacted badly, I suppose. Why does all this frighten me? I just don't know. All I can say is that I probed my memory further, and realised that, I was still angry with myself about specific situations, and that I was transferring that anger onto anything you might have said. I feel like someone else ends these things, and, really, in myself, I never pay attention to what I say when I'm that other person. Can you understand how disconcerting that is for me? I grew up craving a situation where I have to constantly defend myself, so that I could make disagreement a feature of how I express myself. But, darling, this just isn't that situation. It pains me to think I still don't live that life, but I'm incredibly proud of myself because it still remains an issue. I haven't lost sight of things. I still have this overwhelming urge and the urge itself is providential. Another good point is that I'm less inclined to be amazed these days. I absolutely could not live in awe like I did, maybe, twenty years ago. All the answers I sought, childishly, have revealed themselves to be empty shells, white elephants, misnomer. It is the not knowing that interests me now. Anyway, that's all in my head. What I really want to say is that I miss you, and I want to put myself in a big white envelope and post myself off to you. Emily

About Me

Anthony Donovan is an artist, musician, composer, improviser and writer based in England. He works solo, either as Murmurists or under his own name, and is associated with projects such as Destroyevsky, Ou_pi Golgotha.undead, Spidey Agutter and the.clinamen. An ardent collaborator, he has worked with the likes of John Zorn, Jochen Arbeit, Geoff Leigh, PAS, Steve Beresford and Damo Suzuki. Donovan co-curates the respected labels Classwar Karaoke and suRRism-Phonoethics with Jaan Patterson. His interests are all either obscure or opaque, but morally authentic.