I have found this thread so helpful. I have been following it long before I commented on the sexual and physical abuse I was subjected to at school. There are some amazing supportive posters on Kumb. Unfortunately, there are some that have or are suffering too. If I can be of any assistance to those suffering or who may need advice because a loved one is suffering, please, please feel free to pm me.

I have been through a whole lot in my lifetime but I am in a far healthier way now. I have suffered what I mentioned above from age 11-14. The suffering, unfortunately, does not stop when the abuser(s) is no longer in your life. From aged 14 years and 3 months, I left school. Despite passing the 11 Plus and being when of the brightest in the A stream I left school with no qualifications. My family moved across town just after I was 14. I had already been caught twice by the truant officer taking week after week off school. It was the only way I could get a break from the abuse. I would hide out on Southend seafront, the Pier, in the grounds of The Kursaal amusement park which had closed down for eventual housebuilding or I would be over a park watching Southend United train. Both times I was caught after the truant officer called at our house to ask my mum why I had missed so much time off school. I would go to borstal and mum would be up in court if I did not keep in school. This was the exact same threats the two teachers used against me. Yes, I did get a good slap off my mum when I returned home on both occasions the truant officer visited but I still did not tell of what was going on at school as I was too ashamed and frankly did not know how to say what was happening to me.

I took the opportunity of us moving to march into the school office to say from such a date I would be attending another school across town. As simple as that. The next year and a half were spent going out in my uniform every day and visiting those places I mentioned above.

Having no qualifications I went from one dead-end job and on to another. I was drinking heavily from the age of 15 onwards as my best mate's dad had a pub on Southend's Golden Mile.

The only way I could stop the heavy drinking which I used to block out the flashbacks, guilt, loathing and low self-esteem was manic exercising. I would run four miles to work and then home. For six days a week, I worked like a dog from 7 in the morning until 5:30 knocking off time. If I was not sweating with the really hard manual labour I would be thinking about what those bastards put me through.

After all that, most evenings I would run 15-20 miles. I would then swim in the estuary regardless of the weather. I was also boxing several times a week too.

From 15-27 I could form no relationships with women. I had no trouble attracting women as I was working Friday-Sunday on the door of various pubs or clubs. However, I could only date for two or three times because I could not get physical despite how much I liked the woman. I would always think no woman would want to know me if she knew how dirty, disgusting and tainted I was. Most of these women must have thought I was gay. I questioned my sexuality a few times but I knew I loved women but could not put them through dating someone like me.

I nearly jumped off a train bridge between Westcliff and Southend because I was so depressed by letting another lovely woman go. Obviously, I did not but I seriously contemplated it, just like I did when I was 12 and the teacher tricked me into going to a house after a school football match. I was held for about 6 hours raped by him and another unknown b*stard and photographed by a woman. After they let me go - not before threatening to snatch my little brother or sister if I breathed a word - I walked down past The Kursaal to Southend Corporation Pier. This is the famous pier but one they unloaded coal over to the gasworks in. I went down the end of this pier and wanted to end it all by throwing myself into the sea. It was the thought of my mum and nan not knowing what became of me that stopped me.

I have suffered depression 25 years. I have been at both ends of the eating disorder spectrum - treated for anorexia and decades later morbid obesity as I reached over 36 stone. I am only 5ft 8 ins.

I have self-harmed with knives and heated irons. Also, taking unnecessary risks can be a trait of self-harming too. As a boy, I would swim out as far as I could not caring what became of me. I have swum as far out as the pier and right around it coming back the Westcliff side. Working on the door I was usually the first one in breaking up trouble while the more sensible ones ambled slowly across. I am scared of heights but I deliberately choose a job where I was up high. I was on a flimsy cradle dangling from a rope on those big brick towers on the Kent side of the estuary. I nearly got in the ring with Nigel Benn in the King's club Ilford. This was when he was not long out the army. We kept missing each other and one week we were both in there together. I had done well in there for several months but always missed this black guy who was sensational. It was only that he said I was too pissed and he said it would be unfair. Good job he was such a good lad as he would have mullered me If I was stone cold sober.

All my mates are West Ham and sometimes it would be easier to go with them than on my own to Spurs. We are talking old second division days. I would never run however outnumbered. Not because I was brave or hard. Simply because I hurt so much I wanted someone to lash out at. I even got a good hiding from Brian Deer and his mates in the Ivy House one night but that's another story. My face looked like a railway junction I had so many cuts on it. I woke up the morning after that and the congealed blood meant I couldn't get the pillow off my face for ages.

You will not believe the lengths I have gone to keep my wife and 5 children safe. It was only after telling my wife of 30 in February years what I experienced at school that she says everyone makes sense now.

I haven't even touched on how I was massively overprescribed Prozac by a psychiatrist (22 individual tablets a day. The rec. dosage is 3.) This led to a successful legal case and he was never allowed to practice again.

All that because of what they put me through as a kid.

I am in a far healthier place today. If I can put any of these experiences to use my helping anyone on KUMB who may be suffering and needs a sympathetic and confidential ear to use I am here. Please pm me.

Wrote a long reply to this, then decided it bolloxed on a bit. Basically what your post told me is: There's an awful lot more of this going on than is recognised, now people feel they can talk about it. I have two mates, one very long-standing from school, who, it turns out without my digging, have been abused by male family members which resulted in years of low self-esteem and either cutting or drug abuse and dealing. They are both 'over it' as far as self-harm is concerned, but one of them, I think, still hasn't 'settled'. They've both got out of living a very 'low life' and become successful family or career men, but that's not to say that something like that can be shrugged off. One of them, when he told me about what had happened to him while we were school-mates (we drifted apart, then did the 'Friends Reunited' thing) met his abuser (his step-Dad), had a pint with him, then laid into him and beat seven shades out of him and he says this closed things. The other, a bloke I met whilst teaching, has scars on his arms from self-cutting. I never asked about them, but he got round to telling me. He's a university lecturer and former amateur wrestler, happy bloke on the outside, but I feel he's still in a state of disturbance, especially when it comes to relationships with women. He just kind of hides within himself (he's only about 34).

You've shown so much strength over the years and faced everything on your own , you must have felt so lonely but you survived , mate , you're still here and at long last one of the perpetrators might be going to jail , I sincerely hope he does .

Hi Westcliff,Your posts are both heartbreaking & inspirational, at the same time.You must have felt so alone, for so many years. Life shouldn't be like that was for you, or for anyone. But it is, for many more than we know, as viet said.Have you thought about helping survivors, in a professional capacity?It is also very generous of you to offer anyone help, on here.You have turned an awful situation that you experienced into offering what may be a potential lifeline, for other people. I simply can't applaud you enough.

Samba wrote:Hi Westcliff,Your posts are both heartbreaking & inspirational, at the same time.You must have felt so alone, for so many years. Life shouldn't be like that was for you, or for anyone. But it is, for many more than we know, as viet said.Have you thought about helping survivors, in a professional capacity?It is also very generous of you to offer anyone help, on here.You have turned an awful situation that you experienced into offering what may be a potential lifeline, for other people. I simply can't applaud you enough.

Hiya Samba

Yes, this is what I want to do with the rest of my life. I help on a website for adult survivors of child sex abuse. I only joined in early January. I always have my phone with me so I can reply to any posts on there. It can be heartbreaking reading and thinking what you can possibly say to someone who was abused in the most horrific and unimaginable way. I spend several hours on there throughout the day. There are so many people on the edge hurting in so many ways from what was inflicted on them years ago. I have my phone set to alert for messages on the self-harm/suicide section so I am alerted 24/7 to posts on there. If I can sit with someone while they are experiencing horrors I will.

A few years ago I paid upfront for a counselling course. It was to be in the afternoon for a year at an adult community centre. Unfortunately, for whatever reason, they changed the location and just my luck the new location was my old school in the class facing the room I was most often abused in. All the other people in attendance were female. No problem with that as I love women. I lasted half a session. My heart was racing and the walls felt as if they were closing in. I honestly thought I was going to have a heart attack. I made my excuses and never went back. I remember getting home and saying to my wife I don't think it is for me. She was not best pleased as we had paid upfront. I couldn't tell her the real reason though as I could never speak of the sexual abuse because of the guilt & shame. She just thought I had coped out again. I am looking into getting some professional training so I can help others. I have a degree in English so I may also write my story.

Sorry if this doesn't belong on here, I was going to start a separate thread, but when I started to think about it, the more I realized that at times this really affects my general happiness.

About 2 years ago, I awoke one morning with near total hearing loss in one ear, which was accompanied by quite severe tinnitus, the hearing loss was my initial concern, but as I have reluctantly learned to live with that, the tinnitus has taken centre stage, and without wanting to sound dramatic, it is like a form of torture.

Some days I can zone out and forget about it, as it can be lost in background noises, the worst time is at night when its deadly silent, and all I have for company is the high-pitched 'whooshing' sound. As I type it's really quite bad, maybe because I am thinking about it more.

I just wondered if anyone else suffered on here, and if there are any tips or aids to help make it more bearable, I know there is no cure, but I fear the longer it goes on and the worse it might get, that it will start to affect my state of mind, when you concentrate on it, it's hard to escape from.

I'm only 33 so relatively young to be suffering from hearing loss and the like, so in the beginning I refused to even consider hearing aids etc, but as the last 2 years have passed I have realized what's important and that I would actually like to be able to hear again.

Like I said sorry for hijacking this thread, but wasn't sure that it warranted a thread of its own.

It is encouraging to know that this thread is providing an outlet for all the KUMBers out there who are suffering and heartening to see that there have been such positive responses.

Please do not stop posting. No problem is too little or too big to be shared. I, myself often compare my own situation to others and feel it is not worthy to post as it doesn't seem profound or serious enough. I probably spend at least half of my life feeling depressed to some degree but manage to just get by. I think it is too easy to accept that depression is a part of us and not try to really tackle it.

My latest situation is that on the last bank holiday weekend I went on a bit of a D & D fuelled bender. This disrupted my sleep pattern quite heavily as a result. I was in a daze at work not able to focus and I almost dropped the bar onto myself once whilst at the gym. Then I decided to go out again this past weekend with broken sleep following yet again. I finally managed to get a full night's sleep on Saturday night but ended up having very vivid dreams in the process. The dream just before I woke up related to my past relationship which had unresolved issues which required closure which my ex was not willing to give. After waking up I tried to piece together all of the elements of my dream. Like a detective I was able to put everything together from the dream and the conclusion was that I am certain that my ex had an affair, fell pregnant and persuaded me that a termination was the best idea. Then by coincidence my ex texts. This weird coincidence seems to repeat itself as this is the 2nd occasion where I have had a dream followed by a text saying hello just hours later. We usually have no contact especially as I have deleted her number and on the only occasions I get a text it is preceded by a series of related dreams. I replied to say that it would be good to catch up and perhaps we can have a phone call tonight.

The truth may well bloody hurt but I feel it is necessary in order for myself to move on. I have tried my best to come to terms with not knowing but it still creeps up on me now and again. My first ever girlfriend cheated on me also but with a friend. I never asked the question whether she did or not and again I had to draw my own conclusion. It was only 8 years later when I bumped into another friend where I learned that my instinct was correct. There are varied possible outcomes to tonight but I think I must at least try and get closure somehow despite it being a frightening prospect. I will try and report back.

Depression may well be something that some of us have to live with forever. But hopefully, with the right support and advice, we can all take the best steps to ensure that we are able to manage this condition and to not let it rule our lives.

DasNutNock wrote:EDIT - you should definitely ask your GP for some help there. Could well be something that could be repaired with therapy of some sort.

Seen the specialists etc, not too helpful in all honesty - initially he planted the seed that it could be a brain tumor (cheers mate) I then had to wait 7 weeks with that seed of doubt before having an MRI and then waiting a few more weeks before it was then ruled out, which obviously was a huge relief.

Been again recently, and they are still none the wiser as to what caused the hearing loss, they are just interested in getting me fitted up with an expensive hearing aid.

ageing hammer wrote:Somerset, I have been wearing hearing aids for nearly 15 years, if you go to a hearing specialist they can offer you the best advice on the tinnitus and also do a hearing test while you are there.

Tinnitus isn't a condition itself — it's a symptom of an underlying condition, such as age-related hearing loss, ear injury or a circulatory system disorder or simply ear wax.

33 is young but you may not even need them you will find out after the test,

Inner ear issues have been a long bug bear of mine. I have Menieres Disease and there are 1000s if not 10000s of undiagnosed cases out there.

Basically the knowledge of inner conditions and advice on maintenance of the ear is shoddy and ENT places are not up to speed with recent research - a big gap here between science and medicine.

Early stage Menieres sufferers will get tinnitus. This can then progress to dizziness (vertigo), and then more severe bouts in 40s and 50s with a tail off in later life. I'm not saying you have Menieres but it is something to look out for.

What makes this worse is that allergies can set off inner ear issues. The sinus-ear relationship is quite intimate. Sometimes antihistamines get rid of any pressure I feel in the inner ear.

I offer some general advice from the literature and from experience:

- Keep as little water as possible from going into your ear...wear ear plugs in the shower if you have to- Do you get flaky skin in your outer or middle ear? If so, again, make sure no water gets into your ears and don't pick at the skin...just wipe it out with small dry hand towel.- Apart from a quick wipe with a small dry towel, don't put anything in your ear, including your finger. Leave the wax be and don't pick it out...you risk infections and inflammation otherwise- If a GP suggests olive oil or something similar to dislodge the wax, DON'T...you're playing with fire. There is a specialised manoeuvre that can be performed to dislodge wax/dead skin in the ear canals (gentle movements form side to side)...stuffing oil in your ear will be hit and miss.- Menieres is linked to a build up of fluid in the endolymphatic sac...this is exacerbated by stress, booze, and salt. - Inner ear problems across time increase death of nerves in the inner ear which will increase tinnitus...I self medicate on SSRIs because some have been shown to regenerate nerve growth in the inner ear (I am not suggesting anyone does that by the way - I did because I f*ck about with this stuff)

I haven't had a Menieres bout or any tinnitus for about 6 years now probably because I also smoke something that is an off the label medication for managing tinnitus and Menieres

These sorts of conditions can really affect quality of life and get people down. I just wished we would get the science and medicine better connected.