It’s Christmas Day and this family are settling down in front of the TV to watch ‘The Evil Dead.’

Strictly Not Dancing – Ten couples who all have two left feet flatly refuse to dance and prop up the bar despite being cajoled by a panel of judges possibly including Jeremy Clarkson, Holly Willoughby, Donald Trump, Nicole Scherzinger and a meerkat out of the Compare The Market ads.

Gogglebox Watch – Drunk people eating massive takeaways are filmed watching and reacting to Gogglebox on the telly, saying how they either like or dislike the Gogglebox regulars and revealing which ones get right up their noses. [Read more…]

Velda Geldof ended her thirty years of silence over the incident as revelations of Trumps’s sexual proclivities shook the world recently.

Incident occurred at a Las Vegas casino in 1985

Presidential candidate treated holidaymaker like ‘a lump of meat.’

Some woman who bears a vague resemblance to Velda Geldof pictured walking in the rain a fortnight or so ago.

Neighbours claim that Mrs Geldof is ‘a deluded fantasist.’

“I was on holiday at one of the big casinos in Vegas with my husband, Reg in 1985,” she claimed. “Reg was having a pint in the cocktail bar and I was playing the slots when Trump approached me. He said ‘Hi’ and then grabbed me by the pussy and whisked me off to his room. It all happened so fast that I felt dizzy.

“When we got to his room he was talking the talk and pawing me all over. Then he hoiked my skirt up, lobbed me on the bed and did the deed.

“It was all over in less than a minute, and it was nothing to write home about. He’s only got a button mushroom and a couple of sprouts down below so I was hardly blown away by the experience.

“It must have been when I popped to the bathroom that he shat in my handbag, because when I came back into the room he was sitting on the edge of the bed sniggering like a naughty child.

“I made my excuses and left, but in the elevator there was this sudden horrible stench all around me. Further investigation revealed that the Donald had indeed logged in to my handbag, so to speak, leaving me a whiffy yule type log as a souvenir. The dirty honking bastard.”

Mrs Geldof insists that she isn’t a publicity seeker and that she has only released the details of her 1985 encounter with Trump in order to show the world the true nature of the strangely coiffured orange-skinned wannabe politician.

She also alluded to a kinky threesome she had with Nigel Farage and Dom, the posh boozer off Gogglebox but wouldn’t go into detail unless Cafe Spike stumped up more cash.

It has come to light that the mustard coloured corduroy trousers sported by Nigel Farage at the Oldham West and Royton by-election, which led to much mirth and a marathon of piss-takery from all and sundry and his cousins were actually inspired by Steph and Dom off Gogglebox on Channel Four.

Nigel Farage actually visited Steph and Dom’s B&B in Kent for a TV documentary and according to some reports they all got “a bit pissed.”

“In footage from Gogglebox Steph and Dom can be clearly seen wearing mustard pants,” said Professor Ken Mist of Titchfield University. “So it’s highly likely that this is where Farage took his inspiration for the mustard pants.

“He was probably subliminally thinking that he could emulate Steph and Dom’s popularity by association with the mustard pants. He clearly didn’t think it through very well because whilst Steph and Dom’s entertaining pissed up banter entertains millions most people just think Nigel Farage is a prick.”