To demonstrate that Windows 98 is NOT the utter fucking
worthless piece of shit that everybody knows it is,
Microsoft President, Bill Gates, or whoever, did a
demonstration.

"The purpose of this demonstration," said Gates, or
whoever, "is to demonstrate that it is possible to do a
demonstration using Windows 98, without it looking like
the utter fucking worthless piece of shit that everybody
knows it is."

He then proceeded to demonstrate the exciting, new, much
ballyhooed feature of Windows 98, known as "up to 30%
faster loading of programs."

"This exciting great new feature of Windows 98," said
Gates, "is really exciting and great cause, say it takes
a program, like, you know, 2 minutes to get loaded, or
whatever. Well, up to 30% of 2 minutes is, like, up to
0.6 minutes, which means that the program will now load
in no less than 1.4 minutes, saving you up to 0.6
minutes."

"Now, say," Gates said, "that you have to load this
program, like, 5 times a day -- you know, like, every
time the system crashes. That's 5 times up to 0.6
equals, you know, like, up to 3.0 big fucking minutes
per day that you've saved -- which is enough to, for
example, load and run that program an extra one and a
half times, or to get a quick blowjob. Whichever."

Gates or whoever, then went on to explain how the
exciting new feature of "up to 30% faster loading of
programs" works.

"Well," said Gates, "first, it learns which programs you
run most frequently."

He then demonstrated this by running, like, Virtual
Valerie 2. It took about 2 minutes to load.

"OK," said Gates. "That's the first time this program
has been loaded on this so-called "machine."

"Now," said Gates, "I'll load it again."

He loaded it again. It took 2 minutes.

"OK," said Gates. "That's only the second time it's
been loaded, so the system hasn't even started to learn
that that's your most frequently used program."

He loaded the program again. It took 2 minutes.

"Ditto," said Gates. It's still learning.

He loaded the program again. It took 2 minutes.

He loaded the program again. It took 2 minutes.

He loaded the program again. It took 2 minutes.

He loaded the program again. It took 2 minutes.

He loaded the program again. It took 2 minutes.

He loaded the program again. It took 2 minutes.

He loaded the program again. It took 2 minutes.

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He loaded the program again. It took 8 minutes.

"OK," said Gates, "Windows 98 has learned that
Virtual Valerie 2 is your most frequently used
program, and so now it's rearranging your hard drive so
the program will now load up to 30% faster."

Once the hard drive was through being totally
rearranged, Gates ran the program again. This time it
loaded in 1.7956 minutes -- a savings of well over
0.2043 minutes.

Then, to demonstrate at least half of Windows
98's exciting new revamped "plug-and-play" feature,
Gates began to, like, play the game -- and
quickly got to the secret Butt-Blaster (TM) level,
where, just as Virtual Valerie 2 is saying, like, "I
love it up the ass," and the enthusiastic
audience of loyal Microsoft users is speaking the line
right along with her -- like, just at that moment, the,
uhh, you know, so-called "system," so called "crashed
its fucking ass off."

But Gates, or whoever, just laughed his own fucking ass
off.

"See!" he crowed. "That, like, totally, proves it!! If
Windows 98 really were an utter fucking worthless
piece of shit like everybody knows it is, we would have
rigged this demonstration so it went perfectly. In
fact, we would've just taped it and played back the tape
on the computer monitor using our exciting great new
feature in Windows 98, that we call, you know, "putting
text on the screen."

"But nooooooooooooo!" Gates continued. "This is the real
thing. Real life. The Real World (TM). And what
you've just seen is 'the exception that proves the
rule.' The flaw that reveals a greater perfection. You
know, just like Pamela Anderson Lee and Cindy Crawford
are really just ugly puking turds, yet, because they are
so popular, you know that, inside, they must have really
beautiful souls."