How Polyamory Works

Though polyamory's profile has risen in recent years, thanks to the Internet, it seems highly unlikely that the practice will ever become widespread. Some people simply can't fathom the lifestyle, and most governmental and legal systems around the world are set up to recognize the legal rights of a married man and woman heading a family (witness the difficulty gay couples have had trying to get another form of family recognized in many countries). Because polyamory seems so outside the norm, the stigma of this kind of lifestyle keeps many people "in the closet," so to speak. Polyamorous people may not tell their coworkers, friends or even their parents about the number of people they've chosen to love, out of fear of personal repercussions. Women, in particular, are known to keep quiet about polyamory, thanks to social stigmas about women who sleep around.

Women who have kids have a particular need to worry about keeping their lifestyle a secret. In 1999, polyamory made the news when a young child was removed from the custody of her mother, April Divilbiss. Divilbiss appeared on an MTV documentary about polyamory with her two boyfriends, neither of whom was the child's father. The child's paternal grandmother sued for custody and won; even though court counselors filed reports that the child's home was safe and happy, the judge ruled that Divilbiss' lifestyle was immoral and depraved [source: Cloud].

And of course, one drawback of polyamory is simply how complicated it can be to juggle so many relationships. While more partners might come with more pleasure, it can also come with more problems, and breaking up with one person can have ramifications beyond just the two people who have ended their relationship. Still, there's no evidence that polyamorous relationships break up any more or any less than monogamous relationships. In love, everyone takes the same chances.

For more on love and relationships, see the links below.

The Hierarchy

You may hear people who practice polyamory referring to a primary partner, a secondary partner or a tertiary partner. This form of hierarchy can be a helpful way to prioritize and schedule time with partners. A primary partner may be a spouse or the person who has been there the longest, and he or she may take up the bulk of a partner's time; secondary partners may have their own primary partners and thus require a slightly lesser commitment. Some polyamorous people, however, frown upon a hierarchal arrangement and divide their time fairly equally.