Whatever jokes

A man walks into a bar and sees a man sitting beside a 12 inch pianist. He walks up to the man and says, 'That's amazing how did you get that.' The man pulls out a bottle and tells him to rub it and make a wish. So he rubs the bottle and a puff of smoke pops out and grants him one wish. So the man thinks and says, 'I wish I had a million bucks.' The genie says, "OK, go outside and your wish will be granted."

So the man goes outside and all he finds is ducks filling the sky and roads. He goes back in and tells the man what happend and the man says, 'I know, do you really think I wanted a 12 inch pianist.'

One day a government worker was digging through his office drawers when suddenly he came upon a magic lamp. (Oh, c'mon, I'm sure there's one buried in your desk too.) Since he'd heard these jokes before, he knew that he had to rub the lamp and make the genie come out. So he rubbed the lamp and -- oh, surprise -- out popped a genie.

The genie asked, as genies will, What is your first wish? The government worker thought about it for a second, then replied, I would like to be rich! So the genie granted him his wish, and poof the man was surrounded by piles of money rivaling the heaps of even Martha Stewart and Bill Gates.

Since the government worker knew the whole wish process, the genie didn't even have to ask for number two before he said, My second wish is to be on an island with beautiful women surrounding me and obeying my every command! And poof, he was there.

Then the government worker -- or, as I like to call him, civil servant -- decided on his third wish, I don't want to do any work ever again! and poof -- ubiquitous ironic twist -- he was back in his office.

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those I had to kill because they pissed me off.
And also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today, as they may be connected to the ass that I may have to kiss tomorrow.
Help me to always give 100% at work: 12% on Monday, 23% on Tuesday, 40% on Wednesday, 20% on Thursday, 5% on Friday.
And help me to remember: When I'm having a really bad day, and it seems that people are trying to piss me off, that it takes 42 muscles to frown and only 4 to extend my middle finger and tell them to bite me.

There was a chicken and a horse playing together on a farm one day. The horse fell into a mud pit and yelled to the chicken to run to the house and get the farmer. The chicken ran to the house and the farmer was nowhere to be found. So, it got into the farmer's BMW and pulled the horse out with it.

The next day the chicken and the horse were playing on the farm again. This time the chicken fell into the mud pit and yelled to the horse to get help. So, the horse stood over the mud pit and told the chicken to grab on to his penis and he'd pull him out. The chicken grabbed on and, indeed, the horse pulled him out.

The moral of the story: If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.