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10/3/15

Capture Your Grief, Day 3: In Honor

October 3, 2015 | Home | Longview, Texas

Day 3: In Honor

Today's prompt challenges me to tell you about my littles in honor of their lives. To tell you how they've affected me as a mother, and to introduce them in a way that explains why I'm doing this project. Today's challenge has been harder for me, not because I don't know what to say, but rather how to go about saying it. My pregnancies were all such early losses for us, two of which I actually learned about after the fact through lab results. None of my littles have names, and yet, they are the ones that made me a mamma. Over the last year I've come to accept and appreciate the fact that I will be a different mother in the future, a better mother Lord willing, because of these losses. God has taught me so very much about gratitude, about trusting Him as the provider of life, about truly believing that it is He who sustains us and keeps us safe (Psalm 3:5). One year ago I had a hidden and secret belief deep within me that if I took care of myself well enough, took the right vitamins and made the right appointments...that I could keep my baby safe whenever that time came. On this day, I can tell you that through this the Lord has revealed to me my utter 'smallness' in this life, and how beyond all of our pride, and all of our need to mean something, there is freedom in embracing this smallness. One day I hope to have children in my arms - no matter what path it may take to get them - and even on that day I will still have to remember that I am small, I am in need of a provider, that I am no sustainer - it is only our Heavenly Father that can do these things. Today's post is in honor of my littles and the growth God has caused in me through their brief time on this side of eternity. In honor of the family that I believe we will one day have, and in honor of the journey that it takes to get there - however that may look.

"Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your heart before him; God is a refuge for us"