To be honest, I regularly switch between thinking I’m funny and struggling with profound bouts of self-hatred. A bit like someone who always wanted to be a footballer but had their career cut short by shin splints or whatever, but they still like to think they could do a job for England if the call were to ever come. So, you’ve got me absolutely nailed there John, but only 50% of the time. You seem a chirpy chap, any advice?

Ok, but let me know if you change your mind. I generally keep a diary of all sexual activity so I’ll happily scan in a few pages and send them to you.

Again John, bob on. I really don’t do much else. I went for a walk around a lake this morning. Pretty sure a duck quacked in a Russian accent and it got me a bit paranoid and flustered as I started to think all of the local wildfowl were communists. Do you think I’m reading too much into it?

I think there are some crossed wires here, I never asked you to fuck any of the ducks. I really don’t see how that would aid my suspicion of them being communists.
To be honest, John, I don’t have sex very often. (Not in the traditional sense anyway). So my book is largely a collection of masturbation memoirs.

It’s more a graphic novel than a diary really. I’m thinking of trying to get them published as a series of romance comics. I generally just try and recreate the fantasy element of the masturbation process in a graphical format.

For example, I have attached one I did of a recent bout of self pollution I undertook over American actress Mila Kunis. In the fantasy, she was tied to a tree by some faceless nefarious villain, left to be sacrificed to a dragon in a move to appease some sort of evil spirit. Thankfully, I was on hand to save her from the fire-breathing beast, before taking her back to my castle and pummelling her sternly before a roaring fire.

As a fan of my other work, it would be good to get your feedback on this.

Hi John,
Yea sorry I’ve just thought, it’s the back of my head in that picture I sent isn’t it? No wonder you can’t find me! I think you’re right, I might be a bit dizzy. (I don’t like the word retarded)
Thanks
M
******************************************************************************
From: John McCarthey
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Your blog

I am an investor looking to invest in entrepreneurial teams with big
ideas and a need for seed capital to turn their ideas into great
companies. I believe every business man is basically an entrepreneur,
for we all strive to achieve optimal goals using limited resources.In
seeking out worthwhile investment opportunities, We are always on the
look out for ventures whose principals exhibit a high level of
creativity combined with the right amount of experience in the chosen
field.

James Steven

From: mark.jorgensen@hotmail.co.uk

To: stevenjms7@aol.com
Subject: Proposal for you

Hi James,

Thanks for the email – that sounds ideal.

I have a couple of business ideas and will put them to your affiliate investors, but I wanted to run one of them by you before sending across my business plan if that’s ok?

The idea is to set up a company called ‘Wonk-Eyed Spaniel”

This business will provide guide humans for blind dogs, under a tag line of “Never will a blind dog stand in human shit again.”

What do you think? I have put together some detailed projected figures for it but your input would be invaluable.

Thanks for your email,I have discussed extensively with our affiliate investor (Majid Al Futtaim Group) and they are looking for people with big ideas and a good business plan that can yield profits in a couple of years. They are willing to provide you with the required capital. We are not restricted to a particular area, we are open to all of areas of business all that matters is the profit that comes in.

Find below the group investment adviser Saeed Al-Balla, do contact him on the below email address with your detailed business plan.

Omran Saeed Al-Balla

Email:saeed.al-balla@majldalfuttaim.com

Do keep me informed with your contact with Al Futtaim Group.

Regards

James Steven

From: mark.jorgensen@hotmail.co.uk

To: stevenjms7@aol.com
Subject: Proposal for you

Hi James,

Ok James, I appreciate you are eager to get this project moving (I assume you’re taking a cut from Majid Al Futtaim Group?)

But I feel we should get my proposition as solid as possible before I take it to the big boys? A bit like Dragons Den; I’ll be the prospective investee, and you be that little glass-eyed gremlin chap who lives under the stairs?

What say you? What do you think of my business? Shall I send the numbers over?

Thanks for your email. I am in regular contact with Majid Al Futtaim Group. Your idea is big business potential and they are excited to receive your investment opportunity.

Regards

James Steven

From: mark.jorgensen@hotmail.co.uk

To: stevenjms7@aol.com

To: saeed.al-balla@majldalfuttaim.com

Subject: Proposal for you

Hi James/Saeed

Ok so here is the official business plan for Wonk-Eyed Spaniel Ltd (WES Ltd).

Below you will see I have done a detailed schematic drawing of how the service will work. You will notice how happy the dog looks despite his blindness – that adorable little smile embodies everything WES stands for.

I have also included a logo design of the company name within a coiled turd. I am open to suggestions on this.

In order to make this happen I will require an investment of £300,000 which will be broken down as follows –

£50,000 Harness design/testing

£50,000 Harness production

£50,000 Sourcing, ‘educational torture’, training of human guides

£50,000 Marketing

£50,000 Refreshments and dog treats

£50,000 miscellaneous expenses

In exchange for the investment of £300,000 I am willing to offer a 7% equity in my business. With my projected forecast, I expect you to have received a full return on investment within 8 months.

Yesterday I was playing netball in a local park to do some much-needed exercise as catharsis to ease the strain from our tense negotiations – I’m sure you’re also feeling the heat.

Anyway, while pivoting majestically to score, I was attacked out of the blue by a giant slobbering red setter. At first I thought he was just excitably greeting me or at worst, trying to dry hump my leg with his horrid lipstick phallus.

It soon became clear that his intentions were far more sinister and, with his owner nowhere to be seen, he attempted to bite my neck to pierce my jugular.

In the heat of the moment I did all I could to save myself and stabbed the frantic hound in both eyes with my key, which worked as he haplessly blundered away howling like a hairy twerp. .

As a result, it is with regret that I inform you that I no longer feel comfortable with this business proposition.

Mark Jorgensen

From: mark.jorgensen@hotmail.co.uk

To: stevenjms7@aol.com

To: saeed.al-balla@majldalfuttaim.com

Subject: Proposal for you

Saeed? I am concerned that I have not heard back from you.

If you choose to run with my idea then you have my backing but I’d like a cut of 10%.

Shall I send you all of my details for you to set me up as non-executive chairman?

Dear Valid User,
Our Account users discovered series of illegal attempts on your mail account from different IP locations.This is for your own safety to avoid your account closed, you will have to verify your account by filling out your Log-in below by clicking the reply button. We apologies for any inconveniences.

Jesus titfucking crikey!! Sounds like I dodged a giant electronic shitbullet there, good work team!

Was there any indication what the nature of these attempts were? How do we set about finding these vile perpetrators? I bet it was some form of internet based sex people trying to buy huge fist-shaped dildos or penis enlargement dance classes in my name or something.

I am extremely eager to get this rectified. However, I’m thinking this may work to my advantage…..last week I got really drunk on some crème de menthe I found in my pantry from Christmas ’96. I think it was a bit off and I ended up emailing an ex of mine telling her I still love her and if she doesn’t take me back I’m going to kill myself.

I think followed that up with a request for her to perform a “Nicaraguan snake charmer” on me, which I can only assume is some demented sex position but I’ve since searched for it online and can’t find anything so I must have invented it. I dread to imagine what it would involve.

Cut a long story short, she now hates me. Would it be possible for you to write an email to her confirming that my account had been hacked and that those emails weren’t from me? That would really help me out, and seen as it nearly happened anyway….why not use it to my advantage?

Sorry, I got a bit wound up then, I’ve come out for a walk in the hills to calm down.

Have you ever felt the cool winter breeze flutter delicately around your naked scrotum? It’s sensational. Who needs a blow job? Or an email account for that matter; I’m going to stand up here doing lunges for ever.

Dear partner.Thank you for prompt reply towards my contacting you in this benefiting business proposal also your willingness to assist me on getting this fund transfers into your nominated bank account for sharing and investment in your country.Considering the fact I am still in active service with the bank, so I shall not like anything that shall be risk, this is reason you should understand this transaction is 100% risk free, and a hitch free business transaction.There is no doubt in your eligibility as the legal next of kin or associate to our deceased customer and owner of the account number (BOA) NADB4934109 with the following reasons:Kindly send me your requested assurance information’s as follows:
1. Your name in full———–
2. You’re Home Address———
3. You’re Office Address———-
4. You’re telephone ———–
5. You’re Mobile Phone————
6. You’re Nationality———-
7. You’re Occupation———–
8. You’re age and sex———–
9. You’re Gender—————Best Regards
Mr. James Kabore.
+22675447235

From: mark.jorgensen@hotmail.co.uk
To: jameskabore_859@msn.com
Subject: Good day my good friend

Oh Jimbo I do love how formal you’re being about all of this.

I know you’re as excited about my tromboning offer as I am about the $9m, but you’re just being so gosh darn cool about it. I like that; you’re like Humphrey Bogart in Casablanca or something. I wouldn’t want you to get into any trouble at the bank about this either.

One thing though, I must ask that you ensure discretion about all of this tromboning stuff on par with my silence toward the bank. My wife would be furious if she found out I was fellating men from a foreign land for money again. The last time she caught me I was jerking off Korean businessman for the money for a taxi home. She called me a ‘rancid little rent boy’ and I had to sleep in the shed for a month. Miserable and ugly crone, she is. I hate her to be honest but think we’ve gone too far to turn back.

Can you ensure your discretion before we proceed? I will send you my details.

Ta babe

From: mark.jorgensen@hotmail.co.uk
To: jameskabore_859@msn.com
Subject: Good day my good friend

…Just one thing Jim. I noticed you called me ‘partner’ in the last email.

I think we should take this one step at a time if that’s ok? As I say, I have a wife so think we should see how the money transfer and tromboning goes, and then we can discuss taking things further between us.

I hope you understand.

M

From: jameskabore_859@msn.com
To: mark.jorgensen@hotmail.co.uk
Subject: Good day my good friend

Wow, thank you for taking these measures to secure my account, I had no idea my security information was incomplete. Any sort of dastardly tinker could have got their grubby trotters on my money couldn’t they?

The link you provided doesn’t work. Please advise what information you need from me to get this all in order. Do you need my account number/sort code etc, as I can email them across. That would be preferable to me in the interests of security.

Great, thanks for this. I’m sure it’s not your usual practise to accept such sensitive details over email, what with those fascists the FSA squeezing you by the chap and dangles (metaphorically speaking, of course), but in this instance I’d rather use email.

If I went into a branch, you never know the background of the cashier in question and they may be pilfering your details to duplicate your account to buy drugs and cars and prostitutes and sandwiches and arm bands and bracelets and Chewits and a spade and a new beach house in the Algarve, or use their ill gotten gains to set up a prostitution racket or local sports team.

What font would you prefer the details in? Is it case sensitive? If you request Comic Sans then we will have to find another method of doing this.

Phew! That’s a relief. Sorry to be so curt about the font thing. The note left to me by my dog after he died was written in Comic Sans and it’s always haunted me. To be honest I think my dad wrote it rather than my dog, as firstly I’m pretty sure they don’t type and I’m not sure he could have foreseen being hit by an S Class Mercedes in time write a goodbye note. But the sentiment has always affected me in a profound manner. I think it’s largely to blame for my erectile dysfunction to be honest but that’s a side issue.

Anyway. Before I send this information across I wanted to check something. You know you keep signing off with “Thanks For Banking With Us, Santander Bank” is it a major problem that I don’t, and have never, banked with Santander?

Dear Esteemed Winner,
I wish to infosm you that the receipt of your mail was acknowledged. Your details has been forwarded from the HP ELECTRONICS PROMO BOARD to the Royal Bank of Scotland Plc were your winning funds was deposited. The Bank is presently in possession of your winning and supporting documents.

In this regards you are now required to contact the Royal Bank of Scotland Plc with details below:
Bank Name: Royal Bank of Scotland Plc
Contact Person: Mr. Alrick Kelvin
Phone Number: Tel: +447024015867

Email: royal-fundstransferunit@hotmail.co.uk
It is very important that you quote your File Ref No:HP/121/HY/007, in any corresponding email when contacting the back, in other to receive timely response.
Wish you all the best of Luck,

There were a couple of spelling mistakes in your mail you know? Don’t worry though, I do the same thing regularly, quick slip of the finger on an email and something bad happens, eh? I once signed off a client email with ‘kind retards’ instead of ‘kind regards’ but thankfully they weren’t personally affected by any form of learning difficulties, kind hearted or otherwise, and saw the funny side.
Have you taken over from Margarita in arranging this prize? She never answered my question as to whether the prize from HP was as in Daddies Sauce, or the ones who make printers and stuff, but I guess seen as you’ve called it HP ELECTRONICS PROMO BOARD it’s probably the latter.

Shall I go into my nearest Royal Bank of Scotland branch with these details or just email them to you?

Dear Esteemed Beneficiary
After receiving confirmation from the HP Promotion Award that you are one of the PROMO WINNERS, we are presenting you with the following options with which you would prefers to receive your winning funds of £950,000.00 (Nine Hundred And Fifty Thousand Pounds Sterling Only) in our possession. You are to pick one from the two option listed below and we will act on it soon.

FIRST OPTION:
NEW ACCOUNT SETUP: You will have to open a new Bank account with this Bank (Royal Bank of Scotland Plc) and it will be registered for International Transfer and note that you can make transfer online, which will take 24 – 72 hours to get to your local Bank account in your country. After the Opening of an account, an account will be activated and the logins details will be forwarded to you and that will enables you login and have access into your account online via our website.

SECOND OPTION:
Dispatch Of An ATM CARD: You shall receive an ATM CARD which your winning prize has already been credited into. Once this Card is given to you, the funds can then be withdrawn in any Bank in the world. However a courier company which is also an affiliate to the HP Company, will deliver the ATM CARD TO YOU AT YOUR DOOR STEP.

After reading through the above option you are also to fill the form below:

I was going to go into my nearest branch but RBS emailing me directly is a much easier and safer way for us to conduct this business I guess. What happened to Lewis? I hope he hasn’t been fired or demoted for anything to do with me? Or Margareta for that matter?

I’d like option one, please so go ahead and set up the new account. I trust you already have all necessary details? There’s no point in me getting the ATM card, I always lose them. I’d lose my balls if they weren’t in a bag to tell the truth.

Thanks
Mark

p.s. while I do enjoy your obsequious greeting of being called ‘Esteemed Beneficiary’, please feel free to just call me Mark, I think we’re past formalities if you’re giving me £950,000.

In order to claim your prize using option one, please provide following details to set up your new account –

Receiver’s Full Name:…………………………………..
Receiver’s Address:…………………………………….
Country Of Origin:……………………………………….
Current Country:…………………………………………
Home Number:………………………………………….
Cell Number:…………………………………………….
Occupation:……………………………………………..

From: mark.jorgensen@hotmail.co.uk
To: royal-fundstransferunit@hotmail.co.uk
Subject: Dear Esteemed Beneficiary (Read Carefully and Select an option)‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏
Alrick, I don’t want to jeopardise my winnings but I believe I asked you to call me Mark, all this esteemed this/esteemed that is getting a touch tiresome.

Can you ask Lewis, or preferably Margarita to resume coordination of this instead? I don’t like the cut of your jib.

Respectufully please can you provide your persoanl details to arrange the transfer.

Receiver’s Full Name:…………………………………..
Receiver’s Address:…………………………………….
Country Of Origin:……………………………………….
Current Country:…………………………………………
Home Number:………………………………………….
Cell Number:…………………………………………….
Occupation:……………………………………………..

Respectufully please can you provide your persoanl details to arrange the transfer.

Receiver’s Full Name:…………………………………..
Receiver’s Address:…………………………………….
Country Of Origin:……………………………………….
Current Country:…………………………………………
Home Number:………………………………………….
Cell Number:…………………………………………….
Occupation:……………………………………………..

CC: margareta.de.kock2@telenet.be
Subject: Dear Esteemed Beneficiary (Read Carefully and Select an option)‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏
Close, not quite what I was after but it’ll do. That wasn’t too hard was it Alrick? Thank you very much.

In any case, I’ve decided I’d be better off without the money, I’d only piss it up the wall anyway, my uncle Frank won £1m on the lottery and he ended up drinking his internal organs into a soft paste. Please may you donate it to a charity of my choice, like celebrities do on quiz games?

I’m writing this with tears in my eyes,my family and I came down here for a short Trip in Madrid, Spain unfortunately we were mugged at the park of the hotel where we lodge,all cash,credit card and cell was stolen from us but luckily for us we still have our passports with us.

We’ve been to the embassy and police here are not helping the issues at
all and our flight leaves in a couple of hours but we’re having problems
to sort out the hotel bills and the hotel manager won’t let us leave
until we settle the bills,I’m freaked out at this moment.

I need you to help me out.

On 13/04/2011, Mark Jorgensen <mark.jorgensen@hotmail.co.uk> wrote:

Will, that sounds dreadful and I’d love to help in any which way I can.

I got into a spot of bother in Prague one year after accidentally
ingesting some mould with hallucinogenic properties while rooting for truffles in the dark in a grubby hotel room. I did as you have and called on the help of my friends and, failing that, random people via Hotmail I’ve never spoken to before. You’re doing the right thing.

What do you need? I have some contacts with the Madrid Police after an
indiscretion at a stag party a few years back, the details of which I’d
rather not go into, I’m bound by a gagging order in respect for that
prostitute in questions family.

Anyhow, let me know where you’re being held and I’ll get my pal Enrique
Salamandos, chief of Madrid police, on the case, he’s hard as a bereaved
badger

We’ve been to the embassy and police they want a relative or friend to
arrange hotel bills for us and we told the hotel manager to add enough money onto the bill so we can get cash to take a taxi to the airport.
All i need is £750 pounds to sort out the hotel bills,l will refund
you as soon as am back home,You can wire the ££ to me from any western
union outlet around you and let me know if this is possible so l can
email you the wiring info

On 13/04/2011, Mark Jorgensen <mark.jorgensen@hotmail.co.uk> wrote:

Yes wire me the information in the meantime but I doubt it will come to
that.

I’ve just been on the blower to my Enrique Salamandos and he’ll happily
smash you out of there like something from a Bruce Willis film.

As soon as you get it done kindly get back to me with confirmation #
you get from Western Union because I still have my passport so I can
use it as identification to pick up the money here.

On 13/04/2011, Mark Jorgensen <mark.jorgensen@hotmail.co.uk> wrote:

Will, you’re not going to believe this, I went into my local shop to get some hubba bubba as I was getting stressed out about everything.

They didn’t have any. Well they had apple but what kind of lunatic likes apple bubble gum eh Will?

Anyhow, with this whole thing with you, and I’ve got my own problems at the moment too as my wife is pregnant with my sisters child, I let things get the better of me and started shouting and smashing the gaff up like some sort of binge-addled fool.

The shop keeper rightfully hit the roof and has locked me in his store cupboard and taken my wallet.