Bachmann’s new homo state

Speaking of same-sex couples, kudos to Minnesota on becoming the 12th state in the Union to recognize marriage equality.

That’s right. Minnesota — the home state of the goggle-eyed bride of Satan herself, Rep. Michele Bachmann. As a state senator in 2005, Bachmann even pushed for a constitutional ban on same-sex marriages.

But the events of the past week should come as good news to husband Marcus, who may finally have the courage to divorce his entomic wife and hook up with the mailman.

Godspeed, Mr. Bachmann. Godspeed.

Speak American!

And speaking of immigrants, have you heard the insanely offensive radio ad put out by ProEnglish, the conservative group that supports English as the United States’s only official language?

Admittedly, the ad is a clever, lighthearted way for ProEnglish to spread its sinister, wholly un-American message.

But I have just one thing to say to people who want to make English the only official language of America — and, please, pardon my French: ¡Vete pa’l carajo con sus mierda, pinches brutos!

Just a pile of rocks

On Monday, officials at the Belize Institute of Archaeology confirmed that construction crews have destroyed a Mayan pyramid dating back to at least the 4th century BCE.

The crew have been using the rock extracted from the government-protected pyramid to build a road.

Let’s hope the road doesn’t lead to where the pyramid previously stood. (Lamest. Tourist site. Ever.)

Not so fast, America

Finally, Puerto Rican Resident Commissioner Pedro Pierluisi introduced a bill on Wednesday putting Puerto Rico on the road to statehood. The bill calls for another plebiscite that would ask the people of Puerto Rico, in simple up-down fashion, whether they want the island to become the 51st state.

The only problem is, in the recent plebiscite conducted last November, the statehood option won just 45 percent of the vote, if the 480,918 blank votes (26 percent) are included in the results. If the blanks are left out, then statehooders made up 60 percent of the vote.

Clearly, statehood is a popular option on the island, but sheer dissatisfaction with the current colonial status is the most popular sentiment.

And just because your girlfriend’s unhappy with the way your relationship is going, that doesn’t mean you should start getting down on one knee.

Puerto Rico just wants America to start treating her better — and that goes for her sister Diaspora, too.