These will not be last of what we hear when people take their own lives.

However, when it’s someone we know or a musician/celebrity who had inspired us in our lives whether it was a difficult point in our personal lives or not, those deaths touch us in a deep way. I’m left wondering what were the last thoughts in their mind? What were they thinking? Did they think about what they were leaving behind, who they would be hurting as a result of ending their lives, by their own hands.

It really sucks. There are no words.

However, I do have choice words for those who mock those who take their lives.

For some reason these people have a belief system that either money or their fame should fix these inner feelings of hopelessness. Especially when they compare their own lives to a life of a celebrity.

Sorry, you cannot compare your life with a life of a celebrity. Their lives consist of a more demanding level of having to appease people they work for. But let’s forget that for a moment and think about the human level.

I’ll share my own personal experience with you.

There was a time in my life, I felt complete and utter hopelessness. Yes, every day I went to bed with a blade, waiting for the nerve for me to cut myself and end my life. But when I looked at my life and looked at my cats, the first thing I wondered was, well who will take care of them? And somewhere deep inside, I felt I had more to live than just making it all end, because I didn’t want to feel the pain anymore.

You see, being a recovering addict, clean and sober for the last 26 years, I had too much pride to use again. So going out to a bar and getting drunk wasn’t an option. But at the time I had about 10 years clean give or take so even then, my mind wasn’t thinking, “well you can do 10 years again.”

It just wasn’t in the cards.

But I didn’t like this hopeless feeling. I felt like I was in a black hole and it was just getting deeper and deeper. Pretty awful to say the least. The every day crying didn’t help either. I didn’t want to talk about my feelings to my family because I didn’t want them to think I was some emotional failure who couldn’t control my feelings and just move on from whatever it was I was going through.

At the time, I had made a drastic change in my life and through that change, I realized how many people I had hurt and let down and no matter how much I said I was sorry, I couldn’t find a way out to forgive myself, for being human.

I sought and found a therapist I can talk to, even if I just sat there and cried. I began blogging in a journal and even kept an online journal. As crazy as people thought at the time displaying your life for the whole world to see (and here we are today), it was the one thing that made me feel better.

Not giving a fuck what people thought about my mistakes, my pain, my life.

It was mine to bear. It was mine to learn from.

It came to a point where the blade I kept from my bedside became part of the trash. No matter how many times I put it close to my wrist, the bottom line was I loved my life too much and I couldn’t bear the pain of letting anyone down.

People who make cruel comments about suicide are people who are cowards who can’t deal with their own feelings of failure or hopelessness. It is a coward act to make fun of people who feel depressed or sad. Not everyone is happy and joyous every day. Shit happens. Life happens.

To expect for anyone whether your life exists living in front of the cameras or not, at the end of the day, we are humans with real emotions.

Every day, we walk out into the world and we wear our “masks”.

When I lived in New York, my mask was the angry mask. For many years, I wasn’t happy living in NYC with all the madness and the “rush rush, where the fuck are you going/doing” attitude.

That was another roller coaster of feelings for me because living in NYC was like swimming in water never arriving to the island where I can get a chance to breath and rest. It was a horrible life. But that’s just me. People who live in NYC love it and that’s good for them.

It just wasn’t good for me anymore.

I’ve been living in Arizona now for almost eight months.

My first trilogy book is complete and in the process of proofreading and making changes to the first draft. I would have never finished this book had I still been stuck in New York.

I live in a great apartment. My dogs and cats are a happy bunch. It’s nice to go out to my patio at night and look at the stars. It’s nice to be home in ten minutes and enjoy the sunlight and talk to my parents without making complaints about the trains or the people upstairs prancing around all hours of the night disturbing my sleep or the bathroom ceiling caving in.

But these are material things…right?

Can material things make you happy? Sure.

Can they take away your depression. No.

But I can say this. I wanted to make a change in my life. My relocation began a series of wonderful things that happened in my life because I MADE the choice.

The beautiful thing about life is choice. When you feel you don’t have one, pick up the phone and call someone. There is always a choice. Never believe what your head tells you.

As a recovering addict I believed that I cannot do without alcohol. I remember telling friends of mine, after a year, I’m going to drink and I’m going to do it right. I will control myself.

After a year, I made two years, then three, and so forth.

When I don’t feel right, no matter what those feelings are, no matter if I feel stupid sharing them, there’s a friend I have that will listen to me and tell me I’m going to be all right, no matter what.

So I’m going to say this and keep it as short and sweet as I can because this is just outrages.

When I was a little girl, my parents took me to the Bronx Zoo, as a matter of fact they took me the zoo quite often. It was almost as if we went a couple of times a month (probably not but it felt that way).

Now think, times were different when I was a little girl. I don’t think society was as evil as it was back in the seventies but also there wasn’t an internet so having the internet keeps evil shit in our face.

This whole thing with the kid “falling” into the gorilla den and having the gorilla killed because of it, the parents should be held fully accountable. How stupid are these parents they didn’t see their child fall?

Hello, the kid is 3 years old!!!! What the fuck? Do you not have a stroller they can sit in when they get tired of walking? What kind fucking parent are you?

There is nothing that pisses me off when an animal is killed because of mindless stupid ass parents who act like their child is ready to venture out and explore life at a year old.

Why do people become parents? Why do they decide to have children? Ask yourself?

I’m not a mother but I’m also not stupid. I think I have enough common sense to know if there’s a place where my child may not be safe, why let them roam around?

My parents have footage of me at the zoo and guess what? There was a STROLLER my mom pushed around when I decided to get cranky and tired of walking.

I don’t know if it’s me or people who are becoming parents of the 21st century are just god damn stupid.

Just last week I’m on 34th Street crossing the street from Macy’s going towards 8th avenue when the couple in front of me has two babies, one in a carriage and one in a stroller. Asshole man, doesn’t have his baby tied up, missed lifting the stroller on to the sidewalk and where is the kid? Flat out on the floor. SMH.

I don’t know people…ya’ll better get it together if you’re going to take care of another human being. I mean if you can’t take care of yourself, maybe you should rethink about becoming a parent.

It’s the same way when people wanted these manufactured mini dogs to carry around in their purse. Guess what? You have to take care of them too!

Seems to be the question of the moment for me after watching Robin Meade this morning report in the news on Kanye’s rant at SNL. Was this before or after the “sweet” Taylor Swift not only accepted her award but reminded everyone when you work hard, accept the rewards [awards] with gratitude and never let anyone tell you different.

Well she didn’t put it in those exact words but you get the message right?

When Ms. Swift made her speech I didn’t feel she was just speaking to Mr. West (y’all) but speaking with anyone and everyone who aspires to be something great, whatever that greatness may be in a positive light.

Yes, there are many who believe because they arrived at a certain point in their lives, they believe they can be the misfit of society, “I want what I want and I want it now”, type of attitude that generates the group of haters and the obnoxious individuals that will not only support said behavior but also continue to make themselves broke supporting said behavior.

Kinda dumb isn’t it?

Look, I’m not a Kayne hater. I don’t sit back trolling the internet saying, “what am I going to say bad about him today”. A true hater does everything they can to continue to rise the hate within themselves over someone else’s successes (I thought I should point that out because there are many delusional people out there who have limited vocabulary and understand the meaning of true hate). Scary to know in this day and age we have more of those than we do people supporting one another in their good causes.

Speaking of causes, can someone confirm Kanye actually has a go fund me page, so I can chip in my penny.

But seriously. The thing that irks me the post is when Mr. West compares himself of great artists of our time. I cannot sit here and say, I write like the great Jackie Collins or Stephen King. I write like I know how to write and express myself. However, I always remember there’s always room to learn and grow from my writing habits and styles in expressing not only for me but for whomever decides to read my material.

I’m in the process of writing a very personal love story and rewriting another book I actually finished but now must make major changes. I think when you have a gift, you find a way to channel that gift so you can share with the world (if you choose), or help other people. We’re not dummies to take those gifts and make money from them, especially if they are the choice for career. It’s what happens when you become recognized for your work and the money comes flowing in.

How does anyone handle that only remains to be seen with each individual person. If there’s one thing I don’t talk about much is my interview with 50 Cent. One thing he mentioned in his interview about obtaining money, buying the mansion with a bunch of rooms but you can only sleep in one bed (my apologies not verbatim).

I have been broke and broker than broke. I have set up go fund me pages to help start up a studio for KEM TopTalk in the past and guess what…. no one gave a shit even while people do enjoy the show. By the way, my show will be coming back soon. My life was at a standstill and now I’m building my own studio in my apartment. 🙂

Sometimes there are things we don’t like doing to get where we are going. When I got clean and sober in 1991 I remember people telling me ‘it will get better’. I wanted to believe in my head, if I took a break from drinking I can regroup and drink again.

Almost 25 years later. (Hang tight June 16th I’ll have 25 years of sobriety).

So, does humility have something to do with getting somewhere in life and/or meeting your goals. Yes.

But once you’ve met your successes and goals, what happens next?

Success, fame, entertaining is a hard pill to swallow. Every day I ask myself what kind of person will I be once I’ve attained the status I am looking to gain? Am I afraid? Of course, who wouldn’t be? My belief system has always been, “with good intent”.

I have seen people acquire their statuses through fake story telling or fake positions they tell people they’ve had and when they didn’t. I have had people say things about my magazine and where are they now? Once you put yourself in line to say you have something better, you better be prepared to live up to your words.

“Comparing is never a winning concept. Individuality is.” (as quoted by Marabelle Blue~)

Here we are~ A New Year has just begun and ABC wastes no time in premiering the Bachelor Ben Higgins from the Kaitlyn season. Surprisingly Ben was one of the last men standing (not sure why) there seemed to be a lack of personality there and with all the good looking men who were in her season, why choose Ben?

Anyway, I’m trying something new. I weaned myself off cable and no longer have the opportunity to watch live television. With an array of streaming applications where you can watch all of your favorite shows on your own time, I have to say, it sucks just a little bit.

I’m not able to catch up on the Housewives because Bravo hasn’t gotten with the programming of steaming unless you want to watch last season’s bullshit and who wants to blog about something that happened last year? Bye Felicia.

As always the intro starts off with shades of love on the water, in a boat, on some kind of a warm island, or on some kind of ride, followed by tears of women who barely know him or claiming they put their whole life on hold, yada yada yada. Oh lest not forget the “bitch” or “evil doer” of the show, “he’s my husband, he just hasn’t figure it out yet” type…..and the one who has a panic attack and guess what she won’t need the paramedics all she will need is Ben to sweep her off her feet. #Pathetic

Ben’s background, simple, from Warsaw, Indiana, small town where everyone knows each other, probably some Christian town…blah and on top of that he can’t find anyone from his own town?

Ben has this fake and mediocre conversation with his parents who have been together for the last thirty five years. One of the main topics discussed was Ben’s fears of being unlovable, which was something he bought up in the Kaitlyn season.

Hey Ben, try being my age and still not finding someone decent to have simple conversations with, without pulling teeth or begging for affection. Believe me you will find someone to love before I do. LOL.

Now with the Bachelor family growing, it seems they invite other Bachelors to “advise” on how to deal with this type of “reality” situation.

Who do they bring back? Farmer Chris Soules (who broke up with his self centered girlfriend Whitney Bischoff), Jason Mesnick who at the end picked Melissa the one he really didn’t want over Molly but I guess to make the producers happy he gave them what they wanted. However in the reunion he told Melissa he was not the least bit interested in her and asked for Molly back. (What a happy reunion). Sean Lowe who married Catherine, discussed how he fell in love with her towards the end of the show (which was true). My question was why Farmer Chris was there. Clearly he picked the wrong woman. I don’t think their relationship lasted more than a week. (of course I’m being sarcastic) but if you recall, he had more of a relationship with Brit while the other girls were just hanging out watching this relationship flourish before them. #Confused

Early this morning, someone on Facebook (no less and we should all know where this is going) about doing a magic trick with their mother’s ashes. Thinking that this is a joke because I know he would never do something like, following another jokester, I chimed in that he should use my sister’s husband because he is really of no use #runawayhusband #runawayfather

The response “MarabelleBlue not cool. That was not what the post intended”

WTF?

Then why post something so god damn stupid!?!

I noticed within, I would say, maybe a five year proximity, people have gotten really stupid online. From the incorrect political posts, the fake websites with fake news that everyone seems to believe, from the jokes in poor tastes that everyone finds so damn funny BUT let you be the one to make that joke and YOU’RE WRONG!

Where are the priorities? So if you pass the joke from said nameless person it’s okay but if you’re the one making the joke you’re just a fucked up person.

Same person who doesn’t believe in God gets mad when sharing personal health issues and everyone says, “praying for you”, and the response is “Oh I don’t believe in God so I don’t need prayers…” (not verbatim)

But you get the gist of it.

If you don’t believe in God that’s one thing. Respect to you. I never judge anyone who’s an atheist.That is their prerogative, as anyone who believes in something else. However, don’t get mad at people when they are sending good vibes via in prayer for your fucking well being. WTF?

People like this (not atheists), but the mindset are just outright asses. Trolls who want to ask for things or make statements and get mad at you when you chime in on their joke.

If the internet had a separation, it should be set up where people that are productive who are using the Internet for the right reasons has a server here and all other stupid assholes log in here and stay here.

In the bigger picture, while everyone else is chiming in on how Facebook is so applicable to your business. I find this to be utter bullshit. Really? Where? People will hit like and unlike for whatever reason, i.e., “posting too much, posting too little, this shit doesn’t apply to me, etc.”

Facebook has become the place of where hate lives. Where people go on and express their distaste for human life, to complain and share the most distasteful torture of animals as if posting this shit will help us acknowledge the crazy ass, stupid shit that goes on in this world we have no control over.

Not only does society need to get a life, they need to get a grip on prioritizing on what’s important.

If it’s important for you to troll the internet and post mindless, fake ass shit, I don’t need to have you on my Facebook page. If you can’t find any fucking humor in funny shit, then get the fuck out of my page. What the fuck are you doing there in the first place?

Do you support my business? Do you read the articles in my magazine that my writers take the time out to write? Do you listen to my radio show where I spend two hours interviewing people in the entertainment business using outlets to promote their projects?

If you can’t do that shit then get the fuck off my page.

Serious people have no place in my life. Miserable people definitely have no fucking place in my life!!

Life is about having fun and succeeding at your goals, paying it forward it you can, feeling good about your personal achievements and not having to say out loud, “look at me, I have one million views on Vine”, or some celeb is following you on Twitter like that make you relevant.

Really? What makes YOU relevant is YOU!

People are truly lost in the shuffle of the internet. Shame.

BTW I will no longer make business post on my personal FB page. That’s what the like pages are for. My personal page will be a dead page like some of the people on there.