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24 April 2006

Ten Reasons Xena and Gabrielle are Better than Brian and Justin

Who is the ultimate same-sex uber-couple? If you restrict your search to LiveJournal, you'll probably be convinced it's Queer as Folk's sexy, slutty, rich, fabulous Brian and his teenaged blond artist boyfriend, Justin. But they can't even touch the most enduring, beloved queer couple of all time, Xena,Warrior Princess, and her feisty blonde bard sidekick, Gabrielle. Here are the top ten reasons why:

10. Gabrielle can fight back without shaving her head and playing with guns. Gabrielle can kick box, fight with a staff, use a sword, and cover Xena's back in a fight. I admit it's cute when Brian acts all protective and stuff, but the only time Justin tried to learn to protect himself, he went apeshit nuts and shaved off all that purty blond hair. It's not reassuring. And Gabrielle never looked better than in her fetching short do.

9. Xena doesn't mind sleeping under the stars with Gabrielle, sitting around the campfire making out talking, taking long romantic strolls in the moonlight. The one single time Brian and Justin are going to go camping, Brian all but puts Justin on a plane for LA instead. And they were going to bring a DILDO with them. I ask you. Since Brian and Justin never did it, I'll just use two photos of Xena and Gabrielle sleeping outside instead.

8. Xena died for Gabrielle; Brian wouldn't even move to New York for Justin. And he lived in PITTSBURGH. In fact, Xena died more than once for Gabrielle, and to save all humanity from evil. Granted Brian defeated an evil mayoral candidate, but Xena not only defeated Callisto, she turned her good. I'm just saying. And please, contrast and compare: Callisto vs. Stockwell. Sample quote from Stockwell: "I'm scared." Sample quote from Callisto: "What a good day for a bloodbath." Just who are we better off without? As to why I put a photo of Callisto over there, do you have to ask?

7. Can you even imagine Brian letting Justin give him a hickey? Xena wakes up one morning... well, numerous mornings, they're caught in a repeating time loop but that's a whole other issue ... with a little bruise on her throat, identified as a hickey (a term commonly used in Ancient Greece) - and no one there to give it but the little blonde bard, who looks very guilty.

6. Exactly how many times can Brian and Justin do it in Brian's shower before it starts to get, well, OLD? Xena, on the other hand, was always finding new ways to get wet play in the water with Gabrielle. And that isn't even counting the times they went canoing.

5. Argo or a noisy old ("classic") Corvette? Duh. And let's not even discuss that black Jeep from the first two seasons. Really. No wonder Justin's father tried to smash it up. Or maybe that's not why he did that. But seriously I ask you, could Brian ever send his 'vette for help, like Xena could send Argo? I rest my case.

4. When Justin got involved with another guy, Brian didn't even ask him not to leave. When Gabrielle got involved with guys, they died. All of them. One after the other. Mysteriously.

3. Brian's father was an abusive drunk. Xena's father was Ares, the God of War. I think this one really speaks for itself, don't you? Just look at them and tell me whose genes you'd rather date? Normally, as a lesbian, my opinion on this wouldn't matter, but come on.

2. Gabrielle didn't have to give up Xena for her art; she took her scrolls with her everywhere they went. Justin had to leave Brian and move to New York to paint, because as everyone knows, you can't paint in Toronto Pittsburgh. Gabrielle, on the other hand, becomes a famous bard while lugging her scrolls around (thanks, Argo, something else Brian's Corvette can only dream of) the Greek countryside and as far as I can tell, even took them to China and India with her. Which does bring up a quick unrelated question: How did they get to China and India in like, four days, on horseback and by ship? At least they explained Justin was taking a plane to New York.

And the number one reason Xena and Gabrielle are better than Brian and Justin:

1. It didn't take Xena five years and a bomb to tell Gabrielle she loved her.

LOL .... well, asthetically I can see he's yummy, but all that body hair, blech. Frankly I think Brian's cuter. ;)

What I actually find creepy about the Ares thing is that Xena and Ares either have sex or almost do, or sort of do, or did in the past, and then later on in the series it's established that Ares is Xena's father (he impregnated her mother after having assumed the form of her mother's husband - Greek gods did things like that a lot). It explains how Xena gets her heroic powers, but has major yuck factor otherwise. I remember reading that the actor who played Ares was grossed out by it also.

And you all thought I was kidding when I said I was obsessed with this show.

Hmmmm. I'm not sure about the confusing factor. There are a LOT of recurring in-jokes that set many characters and situations in context. The backstory isn't revealed in the beginning anyway, and the character of Xena actually got her start as a VILLAIN on the show Hercules. He turns her into a lesbian, er, I mean, TURNS HER GOOD, and then she got her own show and her own little blonde sidekick (his was named Iolas, right Travis?).

In short, I've totally been no help whatsoever. Anyone else have any thoughts?

Okay...Ares was not Xena's father. Xena simply convinced the Furies that Ares was her father, so that she would not have to kill her mother...Very confusing, I know...but I assure you, that Ares was not Xena's father.

Xena and Gabrielle still make a better couple...although I don't believe they were lovers. The idea was played with simply because so many people speculated that they were more than friends. But even as just friends, they were still a better couple than Brian and Justin.

I'm one of the school that strongly believes Xena and Gabrielle are, or were, together. Not because I wish they were, or I think it'd be hot.

Just, seriously. Look at them. Have you ever seen two people that close, /that way/, that weren't at least attracted to each other?

Plus, it's ancient Greece. The guys did it all the time, especially with their fighting partners; why not the girls, too? This is why I also speculate on the true nature of the relationship between Hercules and Iolus.

I agree with Scrapy...how can two womyn be soulmates and not have been lovers?...sorry but there's no way someone can be that close to someone else and not be sexually intimate.

and in the show they are seen as "meant to be together", they always find a way to be together because they are SOULMATES.

I'm a lesbian also and maybe we all want to find that person that comes close to or is our soulmate and have that kind of connection, so we see this in the show also...but no one will convince me that they weren't lovers...they just couldn't be that outright with a lesbian relationship on main stream TV because society isn't ready for this kind of love being shown to their children.

Christie...thanks for the link to this "old" article. Sorry the Viacom contract sucks. As for the "were they or weren't they" question, I believe it was settled by Lucy Lawless herself when she stated that Xena and Gabrielle were "married"...as in they were an old married couple. She also said another time that she felt Xena was outed in the final episode...back in 2001. I'm pretty sure the debate has been long settled before 2006.