Disclaimer: I own nothing, and thanks to a new furnace, owe
evenmore.Summary: Our favorite doctor is trying to figure out the course ofhis life after V'ger.Rating: R
for language.Feedback is always welcome.Warning: Please don't jump to conclusions before you read the wholething.
This may stretch the den rules. (Sorry, list mom! If itstretches or bends the rules too much I'll buy a case of yourfavorite
ale for the bar.) This isn't McCoy wanting Kirk and settlingfor Spock; if anything it's McCoy acknowledging that he'd
consideredsettling for Kirk. Not beta'd, so all errors are mine.

Personal Log: Commander Leonard McCoy, M.D.

I
could have loved either of them. Hell, I do love them.

I guess I mean to say that I could have given that love to either
ofthem. Maybe even both of them.

Jim. Well, with Jim it would be temporary. Jim's never had a long-term relationship,
and he's not going to. I don't mean to soundnegative. It's not that he's not worth the effort, 'cuz he is. Andit's
not that he wouldn't give it his all, 'cuz he would. It's justthat Jim's only gonna give his heart to that which will
never failhim--and there isn't anyone who won't fail him at some point. Human,Vulcan, any species. We're all flawed.
And everyone that Jim hasever loved has left him, or he's had to leave them. So he's lookingfor that perfect love.
He's not gonna find it. He knows it; so heexpects it never to last.

Textbook self-fulfilling prophecy. Course puttin'
a label on itdoesn't make it any easier. And you can't try to change it, 'cuzthat would be changing Jim. And if you
change him, then it won't bethe same.

The closest he's ever come to a long-term relationship is with thissleek,
silver lady of his. And ultimately, he walked away from her.Now he wants her back. But she is a lady, and while she may
forgive,she won't forget. Neither will he. And his flaws will cause him toleave her again. One way or another.

He
never thinks he's good enough. So he always tries harder. Triesto advance. Tries to be better. I hope there is something,
if notsomeone, out there to make him happy. At least for a little while.

I'd like to think that my love would have
grounded him, inside Imean, not literally. Given him a refuge. But that's not the kind oflove and passion that's gonna
keep Jim Kirk. Jim doesn't want to begrounded, doesn't want to be centered. Jim wants to run free. Ilove him, but
I'm tired of running.

As for Spock, well since I'm being honest here, he's the great loveof my life. He is my passion.
I was born to be a doctor. Onlything I ever thought of being. Might as well be a "doctor gene" 'cuzI've got it just
as surely as I have the make-up to have blue eyesand brown hair. I can and do love Jim, but I have to love Spock. Ican't
help myself, and Lord knows I've tried. There is justsomething in me that needs him as my lungs need air. Something Irespond
to, something I can't help. It's who I am.

I thought I had been "in" love, but now I know I was wrong. Thoseother
times were imitation, a faint imitation. Spock I could loveforever. I fear I will. I had managed to tuck my feelings way
backinside my head and heart, but they were always there. I'd like tothink that my love for Spock would set him free.
I love him foreverything he is, and all that he is not. With me he doesn't have tobe Vulcan or Human or Starfleet.
With me he's not Sarek's, notAmanda's, not even Vulcan's. He just is. That's all I've everreally wanted for him, for
him to figure out who he is, what he wantsto be, not what he thinks he is or should be.

But he had a picture of
himself, and I have no doubt that he didn'tsee me in that picture. He was just never comfortable with the ideaof how
well I actually read him. He let Jim know him, made aconscious effort all along to be friends as well as colleagues withJim.
But Spock and me? I took one look at him and saw right throughhim. And he knew it, too. Only thing a Vulcan likes less
than beingemotional is being transparent. Took him awhile to figure out that Iwasn't gonna reveal what I saw, was
keeping what I knew in my heartabout him to myself. I'm pretty sure I've earned his trust ifnothing else, and that's
saying something.

After Gol and after V'ger, that picture Spock had of himself seems tobe changing. But he still
doesn't see me in it. Maybe he'll findpeace one day. I'd be happy with that--if he found peace andcontentment instead
of just resignation. That Kaiidth philosophyisn't all it's cracked up to be, if you ask me.

Like a lot of folks,
I've wondered about Jim and Spock from time totime. To tell the truth, I wouldn't mind so much if they would gettogether.
At least that way, I'd know I'd never be more to them thanI am, and I probably would be a hell of a lot less. That might
beeasier in the long run.

But I know why it will never be. Jim will never love Spock more thanhe does because
Jim couldn't live with the reality of it, and Spockwill never love Jim more than he does because he could never livewith
the fantasy of it.

I don't know if I'm explaining this well or not. Ya have to know thetwo of them the way I do,
see the way they are together, tounderstand. Jim wants a long leash and needs a tight rein. Spockneeds a long rein
and is on a tight leash.

As for me, well I have to decide if I can stick around a watch thetwo of them. I'd made
a new life for myself before being reinstated.I could go back to that. It wasn't complete, but it was okay. Or Icould
start over again. There is something to be said for that, too.I don't really relish the idea, but then again I've been
exploringspace long enough to know that you never know what you're gonnafind. Or maybe I will just go open that small
practice in somebackwater. Been threatening that for years, maybe I should up and doit. Invest in a great big leather
desk chair.

I could love Jim, I do love Spock. I try to be a friend to both.I'm not sure what Jim meant when he
said he needed me when I cameaboard. Did he just need a CMO he could trust? Did he want someonewho would check him
or support him the way Spock did? Well, Chrisproved herself; so if he keeps the ship he's got his CMO. And Spocksurprised
everyone by appearing. It doesn't look like he's goingback, so Jim is okay there, too.

I told Jim I'd let him know
whether or not I would stay in or if Iwanted back out by the time we reach space dock. Do I want to try tofind what
we had? Do I want to see what we might have? Or Do I wantto walk away again? I stayed with Natira during that whole Xenoincident
not because I loved her, but because she loved me. Thatwasn't so bad. I left her for a lot of reasons, but the only realone
is that I kept hoping Spock and I might make a go of it. Thatdidn't happen. Isn't going to. Maybe I can find someone else
likeNatira, someone who loves me even if I don't love her quite the sameway. That wouldn't be so bad. I could make
that work. I think. Atleast I could try. There's a lot to be said for passion, no doubtabout it. But there's even
more to be said for comfort andcompanionship.

I don't remember who it was who said 'it is better to have loved
andlost than never to have loved at all,' but frankly I'd like to knowwhat he'd have to say about loving and never
having than not lovingat all. Some days I think not loving at all is the better choice.My granny always said you never
miss what you never had. She waswrong, too.

My other granny was found of saying, "Go for it, boy." Wonder whatshe'd
say to my jumping Spock after dinner some evening? Hell, thatmight be worth embarrassing myself for just to see if I could
get areaction out of him. "Excuse me, Spock, but could I have a fewminutes of your time in private, please. I'd like
to suck you off."Course, with Spock I'd probably have better luck of I asked toperform fellatio. I wonder how that
whole Gol experience effects hiscycle? I don't think you can ignore biology, but he might try. Thenagain, maybe there's
logic in not ignoring your biology andsexuality. Now there's a question: "hey Spock, I know you'reambidextrous, but
do you have a palm preference?" Despite his logicand emotional, control, Spock's a pretty verbal guy. Wonder whatwould
happen if I talked dirty to him? Oh yeah. I'll just walk upbehind him at dinner. Lean over and whisper in one of his ears,
"Iwant to lick this pudding off your ass."

"I wondered if you would care to join me for dinner?
I have readyour recommendations regarding the design of Sickbay and would liketo discuss them with you. I agree with
your concerns and believe Imight be able to enhance your suggestions."

"Sure, Spock. I hadn't planned to have a
working dinner tonight, butI'd be interested in your thoughts."

"Very well, I will meet you in the dining hall
at 19:00. Iunderstand the chef has a new recipe we may wish to try."

"Yeah, what's that?"

"Bajoran butterscotch
pudding. Spock out."

Leonard looked up at the grayish ceiling tiles. "Granny, are youtrying to tell me something?"