15/10/2007

05/10/2007

Sometimes I wish I could rinse my mouth under water, that I could speak my head out for five minutes. Seriously, the hardest thing for me right now seems to be that I feel pretty well, compared to my mum, and then I think of how bad she must feel and that makes me really sad and then it makes me even sadder to think about the fact that I'm not taking advantage of my well-ness and that I could as well give her some, if that was possible. Which isn't possible at all, so I feel like throwing a fist in my stomach because I don't appreciate things and then someone understands me so fucking well that I don't know what to do anymore. And my dad repeats lines from last weekend and I wish for another place or at least school.

Things will be fine, I've both heard and told myself hundreds of times every day the past two weeks. Well, they aren't very fine at the moment and I can't see no better times right now. As if someone took my hope in his or her hand and swallowed it down.

Don't get me wrong: it's not like I walk around all day long feeling sad. I'm not sad, I'm empty. I'm not plus nor minus but simply zero. People have asked me how I'm doing and I've replied that I don't know. Because I seriously don't. I never went to first class today, I felt I needed to sleep and try and get some things clear. In the morning I watched an old Good Charlotte dvd, and I don't even know why. I got all these memories from 8th and 9th grade and remembered exactly how I felt back in the days. That's weird. Then I played GTA for quite a while and shot hundreds of people. That's weird, too. And now I'm listening to the sad whale again, and this song just about makes me cry every fucking time I hear it. I think I'll go out for a walk now. But I'll feel like an ass for leaving my dad here. We'll be alone in two different parts of town.

03/10/2007

Hello. Yesterday when I was about to eat dinner I turned on the tv. It was channel two and a program called Musikbyrån Da Capo, which is a music program. They showed a gig with Antony And The Johnsons, a band I had never in my life heard of. There was this guy with black hair, sitting by a piano, not moving at all and it was just so fucking great. He sounded like a sad whale and I just wanted to cry and praise him at the same time, because I haven't had a moment like this since I bought a record by Badly Drawn Boy in July. I sat there, in front of the tv, trying to eat but it was almost impossible because all I could do was to look at that sad guy by the piano. My mouth was all open in surprise. Never in my life have I heard someone who sounds like a whale, and felt like I knew exactly what this sadness meant. Hope There's Someone is from now on my favourite sad whale-song.

Apart from this and a few other things it's been two crappy weeks and I feel as empty as ever. Never have I felt more like a shell, or a role. I can sit for hours, eating carrots and drinking water and just stare into my fucking wall. I can throw a look at my skateboard, knowing that I should go skate to meditate but I just don't have enough motivation. That's defeat. I feel defeated, because when I don't even feel like skateboarding there's surely something wrong with me. And my friends and everyone around me are great but I've just turned myself off and I probably won't switch on for a while. Sorry.

PS. Congratulations Emelie and Becca. You are now 18 and still as great as ever :)