This blog is not for the light-hearted or easily offended. If either one of those descriptions applies to you, i would suggest you start drinking before you read this blog. A sense of humor is suggested. If you don't have one that sucks for you … find one and get a life!

Go ahead, amuse me Bitches in the Burbs

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Today my guests on Go Ahead, amuse me are Bitches in the Burbs. I had them write up an little intro and here it is below:

We are bitches. Like the title says. We are going to bitch, moan, complain, rant, and pretty much tear anyone or thing a new one. Don’t mess with us because you’ll be the subject of our next post (that’s a guarantee as well).

We are here to have a good time and we hope you are too. At some point you are going to be offended. We’d say sorry, but we don’t feel like we should. Each post is also about us. There are three of us and all bitchy in different ways to please all! For every thing someone does that is crazy, dorky, bitchy we are guilty as well. Hopefully you’ll enjoy the site and learn to love us. Drop us a line via our contact page, facebook, or twitter

Thanks to Lynn at this awesomely funny site for letting us guest blog! We are honored to be in such bitchy presence:)

Fuck off if:

You don’t put your cart away after you put your sh*t in your car. How f*cking lazy do you have to be if you can’t walk three parking spaces, push your cart inside the stall, and be on your way. When I try to pull into a parking spot and can’t, because some lazy *sshole who probably needs the exercise left their cart sitting there, I want to stab someone. Put. Your. Cart. Away.

You are a size 0 and constantly complain about how fat you are. Newsflash, “Annie,” nobody wants to hear an overweight person complain, so to hear you do it is like nails on a chalkboard. I would love to hold you down and shove cheeseburger after cheeseburger down your throat and watch you weigh yourself the next morning. Yes. That would make me very happy.

Free WiFi gets you so excited, you feel the need to occupy an entire table meant for a large group for yourself and your lovely companion, the laptop. Yes, I know that free WiFi can cause some people to orgasm profusely, but come on, go take a small table in the back. I’ve got kids who need to eat you mothaf*cka!!!!!

You don’t laugh at Modern Family, Curb Your Enthusiasm, and It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Seriously, you need to get your head examined. These shows are funny as sh*t. You obviously have no sense of humor. At all.

You look at me the wrong way. Really, you don’t want to go there. I’m the queen of b*tchy looks, and can take you down in 2 seconds flat. Bottom line.

You have a swear jar. OMFG. Who does this? If you do, you suck donkey balls. You would also be rich if you lived in my house!

I’m in line with bread and milk, you’ve got a weeks worth of groceries, and you don’t let me go in front of you. Who the f*ck raised you, you selfish SOB???

You ask me a question, I begin to respond, and you f*cking interrupt me with a story about yourself. Ummm…if I wanted to know about you, I would have been the one asking in the first place. AND if you don’t give a crap about what I have to say, don’t ask? JFC!

You don’t let your kids watch anything over G rated movies and they’re 12. Do you want your kids to get the sh*t kicked outta them?

You have no balls. Seriously. If you have something to say to someone, say it to their face. It WILL get back to them eventually. I can promise you that. PROMISE. Own what you say, and have the facts to support it. If you don’t, keep your f*cking mouth shut.

You mess with my kids. Don’t even go there. You don’t wanna see what I turn into. They are my world. I would do ANYTHING for them. Don’t test me, you won’t like the results.

Okay b*tches…who do you want to tell to f*ck off???? Leave a comment below, it feels soooo good.

Have a great weekend. Smooches xoxoxo

Go ahead, amuse me is a weekly posting I will be having featuring another funny blogger. Or maybe not a blogger … you could just be a funny person. So, if you would like to be featured all you have to do is email me at allfookedup@gmail.com and send me a funny post. If it’s funny, I’ll simply put up your post with a short intro that you write so that my readers will check out your blog. Of course, you also need to put up a link to my blog saying that you’re being featured over here.

38 Comments

Love you Lynn! Thanks so much for having us guest post in your “fooked up” lil world. LOL Hope all of your readers get a chance to read and comment on our post. And if they don’t like it, well, they can f*ck off ha ha ha! :)

The carts are one of my biggest pet peeves. Seriously people, how can you be THAT freaking lazy. I’ve seen them leave them in the parking spot when the handy little cart return is right next to them. And usually, these people look like they could afford to burn a few calories. Unless you have a baby locked in your hot car, return the friggin cart!

And my Hubby did not laugh at Modern Family last night. I considered divorce, but then realized I’d have to get a real job.

Thanks for making me snarf coffee across my laptop. That’s going to be a bitch to clean.Vinobaby recently posted..A Jedi Seamstress, Am I

Betsee

October 6, 2011

Modern Family was THE.MOST.HILARIOUS.EVER last night. Really. He didn’t laugh at it? Oh My Gawd.

You forgot:
Keep your 2 effing cents worth. If I need your help or opinion I can damn well ask for it. I won’t though because you’re wrong…Stop jumping in trying to solve issues that don’t concern you in the first place! Butt the hell out already!! Or, just come here and let me stab you with my pen. Either way…Grammy@gram-cracker.com recently posted..Top 10 things I want to do with Peanut, plus 11 more…

LOVING IT. Especially the carts and the people in line who don’t let someone with ONE thing go in front. I rarely have one thing, but I do let people go in front of me. And being from BOSTON, we use swear words as their own category of grammar. Get over it. It is just a word, like any other.

And I won’t mess with your kids if they stop walking through my yard (long story). Sound fair?

Thanks!
Sounds totally fair. I get so pissed when my kids walk on other people’s lawns, so by all means, grab the pitchfork and chase those lil b*stards down J/K but I get you!
I’d do anything to hear you swear in your Boston accent. I’m from Chicago, where we have NO accent…….LMAO, I mean Chicaaago.

Oh the carts! If this pisses people off so much, why the hell are there so many carts strewn all over the parking lots? Do they roam on their own? Do the store employees push them out there to piss us off for fun? WTF? And when I see someone leave a cart out of place…they get an ear full. I’m just NOT a person who keeps her opinions to herself. Bitches rules.Pamela D. Hart recently posted..Swift Kick in the Butt

Okay, you guys are f*cking amazing. We (Bitches in the Burbs–there are 3 of us) feel so honored to be guest posting on All Fooked Up. Now, your comments are putting us on cloud 9. We may be b*tches, major ones at that, but we have soft hearts that appreciate all you have to say. So thanks. A lot. I also wrote a post on our blog about our time over here, so check it out if you want.
Now….gonna do something really f*cking obnoxious, but oh well, Lynn, you’ll get over it right? We’re in a contest, voting is only today. If you like us, would you mind voting for Bitches in the Burbs at http://bit.ly/qpz5aH You scroll to the bottom, see our post (it a really nasty picture of my foot in a flip flop with socks….read post, hysterical) and click vote.
Loving you all. thanks again.

YES on the damn cart thing! WTF? I want to give a big f*ck off to the snooty people in the store who blatantly ignore my daughter when she waves and says hi. Hello??? It’s a freaking BABY! Wave back, asshole!

I know not to be surprised by this, Lynn, but it’s still like a knife in my heart. Mainly ’cause she’s so innocent and sweet and just wants to say hi to you. And she’s the cutest damn baby in the world.

Thank you all for reading our guest post today. It’s been a blast reading your comments here and on our blog. I so hope you’ll continue to follow us at our website and join us on our Bitches in the Burbs facebook page. We have a ton of fun there too. Also, thanks to Lynn for hosting us. She is a true rock star! We’ll be back after December with another post bitching about all the “fooked up” people we encounter in the world! Have a great weekend, bitches :)!

Love it!

October 6, 2011

Okay. I want to invite the Bitchy Girls to a Mom Night Out as long as they let me buy the first round of drinks. And by the way, if I have a damn box of Captain Crunch and some Ding Dongs and you won’t let me go in front of your cart load of groceries while you write a check, use your 400 coupons and argue that you were over charged twenty cents for your cling peaches, then there will be hell to pay. I’m in peri-menopause.Love it! recently posted..This Time I Really Mean It.

j'nell

October 7, 2011

I’m currently wiping a tear from my eye…you know me better than I know myself. This my first time on your site im new to the whole blogging thing ( I know..loser)..but you bitches are brilliant and I heart you…

Loser? No fucking way! We just started nlogging in January and had no clue what we were doing. We still kind of don’t lol! Your compliments have truly made my day. I’m so glad you’re loving our site! Gonna try to put up a funny new post later today, stay tuned!@btchygirls recently posted..Excitement x 2!

[…] I think we were separated at birth. Why do I think this? Bitches in the Burbs did a guest blog for All Fooked Up and this is what they wrote. It’s f*cking […]

Murf

October 9, 2011

AMEN! BUT-more than carts in the parking lots are the assholes who leave the cart in the check out lane. When someone is fucking rude enuff to leave one in front of me, I say “You’re good enough to bring it up here- you outta be good enough to put it back. WTF!”!
I say those assholes can go fuck off ahead of the parking lot assholes.

Bitch from Hell, aka The Wicked Bitch of the West

October 10, 2011

THIS. This so damn much. From the cart issue to the complete and total rudeness and inconsideration of the general populace. Yes, I AM talking about you, hag with an overloaded cart in the “20 items or less” lane. And don’t even get me started on the cashier who is such a pussy she ALLOWED it. Yes, I said it.

What kills me, though, are the assumptions made about my daughter. Yes, she’s overweight. YES I KNOW. No, it’s not because i allow her to eat all damn day and have MickeyDs til she explodes. Guess WHAT, rudey? She happens to have a chromosomal anomaly called PRADER-WILLI SYNDROME. It causes the overweight. It is a genetic, uncurable, medical issue. Remember what your mother taught you (I hope)? NEVER JUDGE A BOOK BY ITS COVER. Especially in this instance, because I know what you are thinking when you think it, as it is written all over your face. Oh, and guess what? I have no problem setting you straight if you dare to actually say something in your patronizing, oh-so-smug way. If you are lucky, it may be on a day in which I am feeling kind and will, therefore, remain polite.

Oh, and please, PLEASE note the word “polite.” You see, people in general tend to use the words “polite” and “nice” interchangeably. Okay, except they do not mean the same thing. At all. As my mama said, “As long as you are polite, you don’t have to be nice.” And trust me, I am an EXPERT at being polite. I am very rarely nice. If you choose to make this mistake on a typical day these days, though, all bets are off. I am sick and tired of being polite all the time–maybe it’s just a phase? Dunno, don’t care. I love the F word and may need to use it liberally, especially after you “help” me by insulting my child and my own mothering skills. I will squash you like a bug.

^That’s the rant I have been wanting to spew for a couple of days, now. Thanks so much for providing the open door. In my house, I am known as The Wicked Bitch of the West because I expect these fools to follow the house rules and show some thought for the others who live here. With 9 people ranging from 75 to 19 months, this is crucial. However, I have to curtail my ranting…it’s not conducive to keeping the peace around here, unfortunately. Oh yeah, there are plenty of times I don’t give a fuck. Peace, schmeace.

Bitches in the Burbs, I salute you! Heck, I am one of you. Love all around! And thanks, Lynn, for sharing. As always, entertaining and somehow cathartic.