Tom Hardy in Vegas for Venom

While almost everyone (except Chris Evans) from the MCU was in LA last night for the Avengers: Infinity War premiere, Tom Hardy who is Marvel-ish but not MCU proper was in Vegas at CinemaCon for the Sony presentation and the release of the new Venom trailer, with Michelle Williams and Riz Ahmed. I have no comic book background on what Venom is and why, beyond the fact that he’s a villain and may or may not be associated with Spider-Man. Seriously, I think I need an online crash course on all of these characters. Oh no, wait. That would be Sarah. It’s just that I was too afraid to text Sarah last night because she was mad at me and Kathleen about Sebastian Stan.

But that’s not really a problem. Because at least some of the Venom audience should be coming into this cold, no homework. These are the people who need the trailers. That’s me. And now that I’ve seen this trailer, I understand why Tom Hardy is in this movie. It’s not because of the superhero connection. It’s because this dude who eventually gets infected with some kind of evil slime develops a split personality. And that is 100% Tom Hardy’s lane. His mind is fighting itself. It’s light vs dark. It’s Anakin Skywalker and Darth Vader. It’s Tom Hardy walking down the street, talking to himself… in whatever he thinks is a street American accent. This is Tom Hardy doing Tom Hardy. OK, I get it now.

But I’m not sure I’m into it. Not because it doesn’t look good. It actually looks great. The effects are solid. And they’re selling it to us as a classic anti-hero story – “complex” and “badass” is how Sony is describing Venom – so, once again, Tom is perfectly cast. Also I love Michelle Williams and I’m so down for Michelle Williams in a big budget big studio special effects story. My problem with Venom isn’t with the quality; my problem with Venom is that…

It’s SCARY AS F-CK.

That black slime sh-t is too real. At the end? When the slime slides all the way over his body and closes out over his face, like death manifested as latex, and hell becomes jagged teeth and the most sinister mouth I’ve ever seen…?

I don’t think I can. I’m too weak for it. I can barely make it through Stranger Things, how the f-ck am I going to get through two hours of having to look at this monster? That said, I can happily spend two hours looking at Riz Ahmed but I’m pretty sure that’s not the point of this movie.