Kyle: What I mean is that I wish you weren’t in the hospital. I know how much it meant to you to announce your campaign today.

Marietta: Well, I still can.

Kyle: What do you mean?

Marietta: Well, I could have some cameras here. Kinda like how Joan Crawford accepted her Oscar in bed. That’s how I’ll announce my campaign.

Tammy: In bed? I don’t think that’s a good idea.

Marietta: It’s a great idea. It could even get some sympathy from people.

Tammy: Or people could think you’re using your illness as a tool. But whatever. I’ll call the press.

Milton: Are you sure about this, Marietta? You really should relax.

Marietta: Politics is relaxing to me.

Milton: Oh, so that’s why you almost had a heart attack on election night.

Marietta: My seat was supposed to be a safe Democratic hold! Just ask any of those political analysts!

Milton: My point is that you shouldn’t be

Marietta: Milton! In the words of one Miss Ariana Grande, I’m gonna be alright.

Milton: You’re way to old to be quoting Ariana Grande.

Marietta: F*** you.

Milton: Aww, there’s my sweet sister.

Tammy: Marietta, Don Kline from NBC is here.

Marietta: Oh, hello Don. We’ll be starting in a few minutes. Probably when some of the others show up.

Tammy: Gene Brown from NOAN is here, too.

Gene: Oh, not this lady again.

Marietta: Lovely to see you again as well, Mr. Brown.

Milton: Alright, we should clear out of this little room. Tammy, Maria, Mom, Dad, Kyle, let’s go into the hallway.

Now that all of the press has arrived, Marietta begins her speech.

Marietta: Hello everyone, I’m Marietta Landfield. You probably know me as the senior Senator from Louisiana.Well, recently I lost my reelection campaign. You know the saying “When one door closes another opens”? Well, that’s how I feel. Because I have a big announcement for all of you. I’ve decided that I won’t be feeling defeated, or broken, or saddened. I’m running for mayor of New Orleans, because I know I can continue making a difference to the people of New Orleans. As a Senator, I fought for equal pay for equal work, an increased minimum wage, equal access to healthcare, a woman’s right to choose, gay rights, stricter gun laws, and the protection of our planet. As mayor of New Orleans, I’ll continue my brother Milton’s legacy as a progressive leader. I’ll continue to do the best I possibly can for all of you in New Orleans. Because you matter. Maria, come here.

Maria rushes into the room.

Marietta: This is my future daughter-in-law, Maria. I just found out today that she’ll be making me a grandmother very soon. And I’m so excited. And that’s why I want to be your mayor. I want my grandchild to grow up in a safe world. As your mayor, I’ll do everything in my power to keep you all as safe as possible. And I’ll make sure everyone has an equal opportunity, no matter your race, gender, or sexual preference. Because that’s how it should be. I’m Marietta Landfield, and I want to be your next mayor. Thank you for listening to me today. I truly appreciate it.

Milton: Ahh! Marietta, that was great!

Marietta: Well, that you. I just improvised there. That wasn’t planned.

Maria: I think me parents just found out I’m pregnant from your speech, Marietta.

Marietta: You didn’t tell them?

Maria: Well, I was going to but then you passed out and I wanted to make sure you were okay and now they’re gonna be really upset.

Marietta: Well, call them now. Maybe they didn’t hear it.

Maria: Okay. I’ll go do that.

Tammy: Oh Marietta. You better turn on the TV.

Marietta: What is it?

Tammy: It’s the Spin Zone. They’re reacting to your announcement.

Marietta: Oh, no.

On the TV

Dan Freberg: Today, you heard Marietta Landfield, Senator from Louisiana, announce her 2017 mayoral campaign. She delivered some nice words, but did she really mean any of them? Let’s bring in our political analysts, former Republican Senator from New Hampshire Kristine Allen and former Democratic Governor of Minnesota Al Racine with their thoughts on the speech.

Al: Well, I thought it was a good speech. She certainly got her point across about what issues she plans to focus on as mayor.

Kristine: Excuse me, Al. Those were talking points. All she cares about is sitting in power. She couldn’t care less about New Orleans. I was defeated in my reelection bid for the Senate by a woman by the name of Marjorie Hausen. She also didn’t care about the people she was serving. She was governor for a few years. Then she decided that wasn’t enough. So she ran against me.

Al: Oh, the nerve!

Kristine: Oh, I know! And now she’s the future Minority Leader of the Senate!

Al: We’re really drifting off topic here.

Kristine: Oh, I know and I don't care. But back to Landfield. She clearly used her daughter-in-law’s pregnancy as a political tool. And don’t even get me started on the fact that she was in a hospital bed. What the hell was that?

Al: Alright, that was weird. I’ll give you that one.

Marietta, screaming at the TV: You freaking moron! You were supposed to defend me, Al!

Milton: Actually, the Spin Zone is the top-rated cable news show in the country.

Tammy: Not helpful, Milton!

Marietta: Well, it’s only the opinion of a few others. It probably isn’t a big deal. Now you guys can all go home now. I’m tired.

Tammy: You were asleep for four hours!

Marietta: I know, but I’m sick. I need my beauty sleep.

Kyle: You’re plenty beautiful, mom.

Marietta: Don’t flatter me, Kyle.

Kyle: Alright. I guess won’t compliment you anymore.

Marietta: Good.

Patty Lynn: Well, I guess we’ll be going now. Come on, Martin.

Martin: Whatever you say master. I mean dear.

Patty Lynn: Haha, very funny.

THE NEXT DAY

Tammy rushes into Marietta’s room.

Tammy: Good morning, Marietta! How do you feel?

Marietta: Better. Why are you here so early?

Tammy: Because things got a little worse. The local news is talking about your announcement. They’re not too optimistic about it either. I’m so sorry. It’s that freaking Kristine Allen. She put the idea in everyone’s head that you don’t care about New Orleans.

Marietta: But I do care about New Orleans. How do I possibly prove it to them?

Tammy: Maybe do some volunteer work. Get trashed in the French Quarter. I don’t know. Do the most New Orleanian thing you can think of.

Marietta: Well, I’m not getting drunk in the French Quarter. That won’t prove anything. And it’s also offensive that you think that’s how we act.

Tammy: I kid, I kid.

Marietta: This isn’t the time to kid. Y’know, that Kristine Allen always did have it out for me. She served on the Health, Education, Labor, and Pensions committee when I was chairwoman, and she was always jealous. She’s just a hater.

Tammy: If it helps, just call her by the nickname I use for her: Former, one-term Senator Kristine Allen.

Marietta: It does help to know she lost to Marjorie by such a huge margin- twice!

Tammy: I know. Even in our darkest of days, good ole’ Kris could only manage 30% of the vote! I mean, this was the year of the most Republican gains since 1980! And she still sucked majorly!

Marietta: I know, but it was a little better than the 19% in her 2010 reelection bid. I mean, that was just sad.