- using shock tactics like coming up and shouting "HEY" loudly is only ok if the house is on fire or some other dire emergency. If you'd like a taste of this experience I can get a safety horn and awaken you from a sound sleep. Hyperfocus means I'm relaxed and happy how about a nice rub on my arm?

- being angry because I didn't hear you is useless and only serves to make you feel better while I eat another guilt sandwich. Why do I like you again?

- complaining often and long sufferingly about how you have to put up with me not paying attention to you merely because I wasn't able to hear you leaves me helpless and without remedy, accept that if I could attend like you I would.

The Following 9 Users Say Thank You to ginniebean For This Useful Post:

Do not tell me that you "got the point" and shush me as if to say you can stop talking now. It took years to find a way to communicate my thoughts (to my husband). I'm getting better and I am excited about it. If I would like to say something that you think I have already said, I could always go back to sitting in my room, not knowing what's wrong, and not saying anything. I have ADD! It's a wonderful thing to finally know what's wrong with me and the meds are making me live a full life. Let me be happy and talk about life. I couldn't form a focused thought for years. Now I'm functioning and engaging in conversation. It's a big deal!

The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to GimmeShelter For This Useful Post:

If I say I don't care when you ask me what I want for supper - It means I don't care, don't roll your eyes, sigh, shake your head, and get frustrated for the millionth time that day.

Just because I have ADD/ADHD doesn't mean I can't see you roll your eyes, or hear you grumble. Don't say there is nothing wrong when you do this, nothing p****s me off more.

Just because I am not looking at the TV doesn't mean I am not following the program on it. I don't have to look at it to follow along. I look when it starts to get interesting and just listen the rest of the time. I do not need to physically see two people standing in a parking lot on television talking to understand what is happening on the program. So don't just assume I am not watching it and change the channel on me.

Whatever you do, if you walk in the door to find all the furniture in the process of being moved, books stacked in the corner, and videos moved DO NOT interrupt me! the room will remain in this state for hours, or days if you do so. Just back away slowly and leave me to my inner workings.

Just because I like a certain singer/song and play them/it repeatedly does not mean it has significant meaning about any specific person/place/thing. It just means I like the song. Singing helps me stay on task and focus. When you get angry when I listen to my favorite music, don't expect anything to get done.

Just because I am on my laptop, crocheting, or doing some other task, while you are watching t.v. it does not mean I am ignoring you. Just being in the same room/sitting still for more than .2 seconds qualifies as enjoying your company.

If you want to talk, you need to initiate the conversation, don't do so when I am: First walking through the door, sitting on the laptop, etc. Do it when I am actually talking to you. If you have a problem tell me.

The most efficient way of discussing an important issue with me is through email/text messaging/IM take advantage of this! It is much easier for me to express myself by typing because my mind processes things faster than my mouth can say them.

Don't make a big deal out of me forgetting things, it is not going to make matters better, make me remember next time, or help out in any way shape or form.

I can go from 90-0 and 0-90 from moment to moment and day to day. Don't expect me to be the energizer bunny every day.

The above applies to sex as well.

hope I didn't repeat anything.

The Following 11 Users Say Thank You to melby1980 For This Useful Post:

Here’s a top ten list I have put together of things to do and NOT do with your ADHD partner:
Do not:

Do not play parent (motherly or fatherly)

Do not take on the sole responsibility of trying to correct his or her behavior

Do not blame every aspect of the relationship which might be damaged on his or her ADHD

Do not make statements which are demeaning with the hope that it will spark his or her attention that they must make corrective efforts.

Do not say things like: “This is the right way to do this or that.” Or “That’s not the way things should be done.”

Do not take his or her hyper focusing on projects or people, places or things personally. Hyper focusing is not about your relationship directly or indirectly, it’s a difficult to control or much less, predict, trait of ADHD.

Do not insist that medication is the answer to your relationship issues as a whole. Treatment of ADHD will help, but there are at least two people in every relationship, not one.

Do not expect ADHD symptoms to ever completely go away or that you can change someone’s behavior. ADHD symptoms are not bad habits.

Do not expect your ADHD partner to say the right things or become interested in subjects being discussed in social gatherings; however, Adult ADDers have spent a life time trying to fit in and often mix into the background without attracting attention.

Do not predict what we may do or say in every situation – we are rather impulsive and tend to change as things change around us (more on this in an upcoming post).

Do:

Do learn all that you can about ADHD. I sincerely think it is best to learn from those who have ADHD, by reading their personal experiences, successes and also their failures. The very best book on the subject from this perspective is Dr. Hallowell’s book ‘Driven to Distraction’. There are many books out there and online blogs written by people with ADHD, each with their own unique perspective. The best book by someone without ADHD is by Gina Pera, ‘Is it You, Me, or Adult A.D.D.’ She interviews thousands of ADDers in relationships (and out) and yes, consoles us too. Her book is specifically about Adult ADHD and Relationship issues, how it effects relationships and what steps can be taken to improve the relationship from the ADHD perspective and treatment options.

Do keep an open mind and realize that you have traveled into a novel experience which you cannot predict or always plan for.

Do express your wants, needs and desires by asking specifically for a time and place to discuss and write them down. Keep it pleasant and be sure to explain how your ADHD partner will benefit by taking your needs into account. I know it is difficult to understand why you or anyone would need to clarify such seemingly obvious things, but it helps to understand that communication cues are often missed by ADHD partners without us meaning to miss them, or (oh my, sorry) ignore you. ADDers also perform better from a reward standpoint and yes, even for you.

Do expect to find things in strange places. We tend to lose things quite frequently, to include, but not limited to: keys, wallets, letters, cards, utensils, cars and yes, even shoes. I take my shoes off just about anywhere in the house. I tried taking them off at the door for at least two days straight and then without considering it, I gave up on that. Each morning I search for my shoes. Joan usually knows where they are, especially if she tripped over them… hi Joan!

Do suggest eating out. Even if you cook, most of us loath nothing more than dishes, so if you like to be helped with the dishes, plan for eating out. Unless, of course, you don’t mind doing the dishes, or letting them sit for days on end. Do invest in plastic, throw away utensils and plates.

Do expect changes to just about everything. We rarely do anything the same way twice and a lot of us love to rearrange things in our homes. If you’re in a new relationship and your ADHD friend always seems to be rearranging their apartment furniture or decoration, roll with it, again, this is not a bad habit, it’s a way of life.

Do expect delays. When we say about 10ish…. We really mean you should probably give us a call around 9ish to remind us or nudge us along, gently, politely… think rewarding thoughts that you might like to express when you call.

Do expect a lot of innovation and creativity. We often come up with new and usually confusing ways of doing things; some can save money, but often cost more money in the long run. I remember purchasing a $2000.00 billiard cue (I had to save quite a while for it). I purchased it for the type of ‘hit’ it gives and performance, not for the art design, so I stripped down the butt end and painted my own design and lacquered it. Yes, that does seem odd, but again, I didn’t buy it for the art design or the mother of pearl, which I destroyed when stripping it… oops. The mother of pearl meant nothing to me, but….. Oh man!

Do expect (and I know this isn’t fair) for us to maneuver ourselves out of house chores and somehow leave them for you. This isn’t intentional, I swear it isn’t, it just happens. I personally do not recommend a home with a garden or front yard, it is just not a good idea, trust me on this one. Goats that eat the grass in the backyard? Now we are talking!

Do expect our lists of do’s to be rather outlandish, but on the other hand, totally serious! Do expect the unexpected.

The Following 14 Users Say Thank You to Marspider For This Useful Post:

Do not swear in around me.
Do not yell at me.
Accept me for who I am.
Do not try to change me, because I won't change unless I want to.
Do be patient with me because us Adder's take a long time to process things.

Raise problems and issues relating to me as soon as possible. Don't wait longer than 24hrs because by that time I've forgotten what was going through my head at the time and, like you, will probably wonder what was going through my head at the time too.

* Dear Certain Professors,
I, as an individual, am statistically smarter than the average person. This does not make me even approach any tidbit of ability to care about uninteresting subjects. Do NOT expect me to be able to sit in your boring @** class and pay attention. The only reason I am not sleeping is because of all the amphetamines flowing through my system.

__________________“When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth.”