As Elie Wiesel wrote, “The opposite of love isn’t hate. It’s indifference.” Indeed, being ignored can feel worse even than being rejected, making you feel as if you don’t matter at all.

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When you’re often treated with indifference, you can tend to write yourself off as unworthy. If that's your default emotion, are you asking for too much? Should you work to improve something about yourself, such as your attitude when you make requests of others?

Consider those issues but more often, being ignored is a sign of the times. In our careening lives, courtesy can be a casualty. So if your email is ignored, perhaps it isn’t you.

The following may be reassuring:

Having felt that my usual donations to nonprofit groups didn't yield enough good, I wrote a blog post offering to give $100 to $500 to people who believed the money would help them make a difference. All I required was an email explaining what they’d do with the money. Guess how many responses I got?

But let's turn to possible solutions for each of the above situations:

Your boss or spouse takes forever, if ever, to answer your emails.

Tactfully raising the issue may yield improvement without getting yourself viewed as high-maintenance. For example, you might try something like, "We all have our pet peeves. I must admit that mine is getting frustrated when I don't get a reasonably prompt response to important emails. I know you're under a lot of pressure but I'd consider it a favor if, where possible, you got back to me say within 24 hours if only to say, "I'm swamped but will get back to you in a week on this."

You're taken for granted by someone you've worked hard to please.

Again, a tactful request for what you want may help. For example, "As I think you know, I've been trying pretty hard to please you but it seems I haven't done a good enough job. I'm feeling a little neglected. For example, I'm always really interested in how your day went but you seem to not pay much attention when I tell you about mine. Am I misunderstanding something?

You walk down the street and people look right past you.

Do you want to try establishing eye contact and smiling at people? Experiment with clothes, hair, or makeup that might attract more attention? Even venture a nice comment such as, "I love that pin you're wearing," or "Is this not the most beautiful weather?" Stranger things have happened than small talk spawning a nice conversation and even a relationship.

You race to meet someone on-time and they no-show.

Don't jump to conclusions. Perhaps really something unavoidable happened. So start with something like," Are you okay? When you didn't show, I worried you might have been in a car accident or something." Assuming they just screwed up, they'll probably apologize at that point. If they don't, instead of wimping out with something like, "No big deal," you might try, "It happens." and then deliberately sigh. That gets the point across without making the person unnecessarily defensive and, if only unconsciously, more likely to treat you badly in the future.

Your get no response to a job application.

You're understandably annoyed—You put in all that effort and they don't even have the decency to reply?! You might try a phone call or even just an email like, "I was excited about this job because I feel I'm a good fit and think I'd do a great job for you but I haven't heard anything. Am I still being considered?"

Perhaps most important, it might help to remind yourself that you can't control others but have some measure of control over yourself. So try to replace needing others' affirmations with your own self-appraisal. How wonderful if our sense of self-worth derived more from whether we feel we're a good person than how some self-absorbed egotists treat us.

Finally, a word to the perpetrators:

If you frequently ignore others, remember that you’re dealing with human beings. You may well hurt the feelings of people you ignore or respond to dilatorily. Might you want to leave just a bit of room in your crowded day for a little extra courtesy? For example, instead of ignoring someone’s email until you (may) find time to provide a full answer, promptly send a one-liner such as, “I’ll get back to you next week on this.” And if you’re ignoring a person because you don’t like having to say no, realize that silence may actually hurt the person more—as he or she is left waiting, hanging indefinitely. It needn’t take much of your time. A quick, “I’m sorry, we can’t work with you on your idea,” plus a brief reason, is better than leaving a person waiting for Godot.

Some ideas. First, have an agenda which allows your ideas to be theoretically on the table instead of under the radar. Have a list of ideas ready if the itinerary of a meeting is available in advance. Make sure when you have any type of correspondence that has an important agreement or position hanging in the balance, that you request a return confirmation that your email has been received. Also, be careful about choosing alliances. People who do not solicit other people's ideas at the beginning are less likely to do so at a later stage. I generally dispense with this type of person early on.

An interesting insight. Thank you for sharing this with me. I often feel ignored. My birth order dictates it for me. I was the only girl born in the middle of three boys. Being ignored tends to make you a stronger person though. Once you accept that the world does not revolve around any one person, you are on your way to maturity of self. Enjoy the freedom of not being the center of attention.

Submitted by I'm not the center of the universe either on June 10, 2014 - 11:19am

Oh, man. This is so spot on. When I finally realized that I was never going to get the recognition I felt I "deserved" (read: ego clinging to validation), I suddenly felt free. I'm not the center of the universe of my boss, my dad, my friends or other family members. I'm not even the center of the universe for my husband! Yay! I can find value in myself and my work without anyone validating me! (If you give people the power to feed you, you've also given them the power to starve you!)

Exactly! I agree with your last sentence 100%!! I am a single woman and over 50. I'm ignored in many social situations and most of the time by egotistical co-workers. What is really nice is that this gives me the opportunity to observe. I love to observe human behavior.

WOW... That last sentence said it ALL! If you give others the power to feed you, you've also given them the power to STARVE you!!! Some people are just inconsiderate jerks who think about themselves and don't realize or maybe they do, how ignoring people (especially important people) in their lives. Maybe that's why there is such a high break up & divorce rate... people are just inconsiderate. Thanks for that post, it helps throw that heavy wet blanket off of us who are always blaming ourselves for others behaviors.

I agree. I think a bit of research and more thought could have produced a really good content for a sensitive issue. I feel like I was coerced into reading it with a headline which promised more then it delivered. Not good enough to only offer a feeble solution to a problem some of us struggle with.

What did you expect, miracles? There aren't. She only gave examples of how you can adress the fact of being ignored and that being ignored is time's fault and only sometimes is yours. To solve the generally bad feeling you get from being ignored, you can apply the advices of addressing the specific problem and work to have a high self esteem. What did you expect here? To tell how to reach that? That's not the title, nor the point here. There are plenty of articles of self esteem issues, look for them.

I'm a college student struggling to pay the bills. I don't know if you're interested in helping me, but I'm tired of taking out student loans to pay back the loans I've gotten from friends and family. I know it's a long shot, but that's my cause!

I'm sorry to hear this. Maybe negotiating with family and friends to wait while you finish your studies and get a job might help. Tell them that family and friends do not loan money to students and expect to get it back straight away. If they do not understand, don't borrow any more, and see if you can gain a small part time job to keep you going. (preferably in a food place, some places are really good and let their staff take excess food home that would otherwise be thrown away). I know how hard it is for students financially, and getting good food is always an issue.

But if none of this works, try to talk to your college/university counsellor for support while you figure out your next move. Remember, this difficult time will soon be over.

it really is tough to be ignored. I've personally noticed that if I'm having a day where several of my emails, calls, texts, or whatever go without response, I start to become so agitated. it can really make you feel invisible at times.

one thing I will never understand is work colleagues who can't seem to manage their emails or bother to respond. it's not really (or shouldn't be) an option in a professional setting, yet it's amazing how often I send clear, detailed requests for work-related info I need (often on a deadline) to coworkers that I never get any response to until I hunt the person down. then they ask me to repeat what I need, even though I clearly outlined it in the email. and then they give me the wrong thing anyway! maddening hardly begins to describe it...

I can relate. I always try to respond to people's requests for information, that same day if possible, and if not, I'll send a quick email saying when I can get back to them.

Part of my job is collections, and I know why customers who don't pay their bills ignore me. It's co-workers, our own sales people, customer service reps, etc. who I need information from in order to do my job of collecting money that I'm baffled by. We are, supposedly, on the same team, and working towards the same goal of making money for the company, so why do they make my job more difficult by ignoring my email requests? This is one of my pet peeves.

A thought about the people who didn't respond to your blog to give away money... if I had been reading your blog, I would've assumed you would be flooded with emails and requests for money, so I wouldn't have tried. Not that I wouldn't want to, but because I'd have assumed my chances of getting anything would be slim to none.

Honestly, I was hoping to find a magic answer or a solution when I started reading because I do need that..
it's just because I'm a foreigner here and people are a bit ignorant, some of them won't even respond when I greet them in the morning, as if they didn't hear any thing. I don't understand the reason behind this behavior, I'm very friendly and I had lots and lots of friends back in my country, sometimes I regret moving here. sometimes I hate myself.

Please don't think we are all like that. I get the same treatment and I grew up in this country! At first it bothered me, but realize they may have many reasons for not responding...perhaps they are deep in thought and didn't hear you, perhaps they are upset over something that happened earlier and didn't realize you said anything...it may not be about you.

I just smile and keep going, move on to the next person!! I've learned to read body language and when I see someone who averts their eyes when I smile or crosses their arms, I just keep walking. They may just be having a bad day.

I am sorry I don't see any good insight in the article. Except maybe that if I am ignored it is my own fault (I am high maintainance etc.). But if my job applications don't even get a rejection letter is it really because Iam high maintainance?? And if the fault is not my own then what? Care to share some insight?

I think our culture has lost courtesy & manners, thus more people feeling ignored when basic manners are not extended. Many people are self-involved these days; it would not occur to them to keep you in the loop with work correspondence. It's not that you are ignorable, so much as they do not have the social tools to behave well. Also, remember that many people will not rise to the level that you would. Yes, you would send a rejection letter; yes, if you did not have a timely answer, you would say that you need some time to foster communication. Many people are just dunces at communicating, or they are selfish.

Getting no response to a job application you submitted is different than being ignored by, say, neighbors or the other parents from your kid's soccer team.

The former can be annoying and frustrating. But the latter is much more personal and harder to shake off.

I honestly believe social media and idiot phones have caused a decline in social skills among people of all ages. Beyond that, a lot of people either don't realize, or don't care just how hurtful it is to be ignored.

The second best way to make someone hate you is to blow your stack at them. The best way to make someone hate you is to make them feel like they don't matter.

As far as what to do about it, I agree that the person being ignored should take a look in the mirror. Sometimes, we just send off bad vibes to others without realizing it. The solution can be as simple as smiling more or making better eye contact.

Sometimes, I'll just have some fun with an "ignorer." I'll smile, say hi, ask about their kids, how's the school year going, etc. and just kind of demonstrate to them how not to be a jerk.

Thanks for putting the offenders on notice; however, I don't believe it will do an ounce of good. People just don't care these days, especially managers/bosses. For the most part we are living in a "ME" society. Being considerate of others is talked about but doesn't happen regularly. If we are too busy to even respond to others, we are cramming too much into each day. Productivity at work is not going to suffer because we take time to cover the basics. Business professionals lose sight of this. We all need to slow down and take care of the basics: our children; employees; friends; and neighbors, to name a few. Doing this could cut down on many horrific incidents; such as school and business killings. People need nurturing. For an employer to feel and employee is too needy simply because the require the basic care that everyone needs, is preposterous. In the end, as we all age, we find ourselves asking the same question, "where did all the time go?" We dont even think about the impact we have had on other people's lives, who have we been good to, who have we mistreated. I find this very sad indeed. More pressure should be put on companies to slow down. If by some small chance production is a bit slower because we are tending to our humanities, companies can hire a few more people, we all know they can afford to. The squeaky wheel get s the grease and everyone should slow down and become a bit more squeaky.

I adore everything about this comment. People who feel "ignored" are generally those who care way too much about being kind and outgoing towards others. Others who are are living in a self-centered world don't see how their behaviors and self-adoration affect others. It's not that us "over-caring" people are needy, or too nice, or let people walk all over us...it's our nature. I am guilty of being an incredibly kind, self-giving person, and do I often feel ignored or unappreciated? EVERY DAY OF MY LIFE. But I have learned a very valuable lesson in it all, and it's to be PROUD of who I am. Would I really want to be the alternative--the person ignoring every kind gesture they receive? It's not their fault, it's who they are...but you do not have to feel ignored, hate life, and think the blame is on you because that's not who YOU are. Like Pam said, be "squeaky" and darn proud of it. Let everyone else be who they are, and sleep soundly knowing you've been true to yourself. They may never accept you, but as soon as you accept these things about yourself yourself, it won't matter what they do or think. Be strong. Love the only you that you have with all your heart.

Totally agree with this comment, especially where I am in my life right now. 55 years old and am dealing with major issues with my family. Mom gives silent treatment and so does my dad. Very confusing. The main key is that I feel good about me - that's the most important thing for me!! OMG! Think about myself? Not what it's been about for me. I believe the most important thing is communication and if people choose not to communicate with me, dang, what can I do about it? Trust me, I let the people in my life who matter to me know it hurts my feelings and then we go from there. Of course, there are NO guarantees!

If someone ignores you - they are either: a) Not a nice person - have no manners, ignorant, etc. b) So "busy" they don't know what's going around them - therefore ignorant. c) Deem you as not important enough to acknowlege - so therefore they are ignorant snobs. In any case, the person is ignorant - "ignore -ant" get it?? So, don't let it get to you. Bypass them.

A few commenters were hoping for better solutions than they found in the article. One suggested I go back and try to come with more. So I've now done so. I hope you find them more helpful. I appreciate your caring enough to have asked.

I dislike being the bearer of bad news. My daughter has been excluded starting in KINDERGARTEN! She asked every day can I play? She cried every recess and not one single person told me or helped her. I did not find out until the summer what she went through. They continued and escalated until every year and in the fifth grade she was shaking and too afraid to even walk in the doors. It was continual and after the third physical attack, the first one, she told the teacher, nothing, the second one the guidance counsellor, again nothing, after the third I told the principle and yet again nothing. I told the principle I would have to accompany her to school so she can feel safe. I was told she would not AUTHORIZE me to come in and if I crossed from the office into the school she would have me removed for trespassing by the police. I took her to another school.

I feel very sorry for your little daughter and for you as her mother who wants to protect your child from the meanness of some human behaviour. At least you were able to act once you found out what was going on and you moved her to another school - Good on you!

I feel very sorry for your little daughter and for you as her mother who wants to protect your child from the meanness of some human behaviour. At least you were able to act once you found out what was going on and you moved her to another school - Good on you!

I guess there's a reason that shunning/cutting/blanking or social ostracism was used in the old days, and still subtly practised by girls and women in the present. Because it works and it's hurtful for the recipient. Also it does make the victim think it's their own fault. If Tommy punched you for no reason, then Tommy would be the bad guy and get punished. Whereas if Alice was friends with you one day and shunned you the next, again for no reason, you feel like YOU'VE done something wrong and Alice gets away with her behaviour.

I admit I probably ignore people but that is because I'm painfully shy and if I see someone I know in the street, it's sometimes easier to pretend I haven't seen them than to say hello - especially if I can't remember their name!

You can't really expect for inconsiderate people be conscientious just because you asked or communicated with them about it. Most of the time people just are that way and the best solution is DON'T take it personally. It's not your fault they're self-centered. And if it's a spouse or partner, it'll take a lot more than just mentioning it, believe me. Takes work and counseling to overcome that.

While I understand that there are situations (like those listed in the article) which warrant intervention, the onus is on the individual to make him or herself less of a victim by being proactive about their own reaction to specific situations. Society seems to have a dual reaction to those who paint themselves as victims. Seeking sympathy is a very direct and easy way to get attention, and takes the responsibility away from the person who has the issue, but in most cases the person's attitude is what creates the endpoint result. Seeking validation from others is a little like placing a bet, but (as the article asserts), the right attitude can stack the deck in your favor.

I'm not in the habit of writing arguing with people online but I've noticed it get a lot more attention than being nice.

For example, wish someone a happy birthday on their Facebook timeline and you're lucky if they click Like on your comment. However, criticize their outfit in the photo of their birthday pic and you'll DEFINITELY get all their attention with a scathing retort.

Your get no response to a job application. You're understandably annoyed---You put in all that effort and they don't even have the decency to reply?! You might try a phone call or even just an email like, "I was excited about this job because I feel I'm a good fit and think I'd do a great job for you but I haven't heard anything. Am I still being considered?"

NO! Do NOT do this.

If you're a strong candidate, you will be contacted. If you interview, you will be contacted if you're selected for the job. They're not going to forget you if you're right for the position. Simple as that. It's awful and rude that employers don't even send as much as a courteous rejection email, but seriously, don't do this. Read this blog instead:

I appreciate the advice this article gives! Is there a way to come across sounding less passive aggressive? Deliberate sighing is quintessential passive aggressive behavior and not universally appreciated.

I've been ignored by family, I've said hi to people I know out in public, who walk straight past me. Been ignored by teachers at school. Been ignored by "friends". Been ignored on dating sites. And I've been ignored a lot on Facebook (which is why I closed down my account). I just don't care anymore. If people are worth your time, they will come to you - don't bother trying to get their attention or whatever. They'll just give you the cold shoulder anyway. I'm so over it people are so rude these days.

Thank you for outlining the problem; I think 100% of people, self aware people, could read this from the perspective of the ignored and ignorer as we have all unwittingly participated in relationships in ways that have left people feeling less than ideal. I think it's important to consider, particularly when feeling ignored, that there have been times we we're in the shower when we received a text and didng respond for an hour - or perhaps we were running out the door with our hands full, meaning to respond right away and forgot - it's unreasonable and doesn't do us any favors at all to jump to conclusions and decide so quickly that were definitely being ignored. And it doesn't seem very helpful to attach the individual and subjective experience of feeling ignored to the other person or people involved, as if we feel ignored because they're ignoring us. We may feel ignored amid plenty of attention, and perhaps not; the point is, simply, that unless we determine first that it's appropriate in the context of the relationship and second that we're willing to take the risk of sharing our experience very clearly with others involved in a fair, non-guilting and non-violent way (rather than in a passive aggressive way), then we can't say it was ever very important to us to give the other person an opportunity to dispel the story we created an are believing, the story of being ignored. And if it doesn't seem appropriate to bring up, or worth bringing up, then maybe it's time to reevaluate the relationship and consider why we value the attention of a relationship lacking importance, even to us.

Thank you for outlining the problem; I think 100% of people, self aware people, could read this from the perspective of the ignored and ignorer as we have all unwittingly participated in relationships in ways that have left people feeling less than ideal. I think it's important to consider, particularly when feeling ignored, that there have been times we we're in the shower when we received a text and didng respond for an hour - or perhaps we were running out the door with our hands full, meaning to respond right away and forgot - it's unreasonable and doesn't do us any favors at all to jump to conclusions and decide so quickly that were definitely being ignored. And it doesn't seem very helpful to attach the individual and subjective experience of feeling ignored to the other person or people involved, as if we feel ignored because they're ignoring us. We may feel ignored amid plenty of attention, and perhaps not; the point is, simply, that unless we determine first that it's appropriate in the context of the relationship and second that we're willing to take the risk of sharing our experience very clearly with others involved in a fair, non-guilting and non-violent way (rather than in a passive aggressive way), then we can't say it was ever very important to us to give the other person an opportunity to dispel the story we created an are believing, the story of being ignored. And if it doesn't seem appropriate to bring up, or worth bringing up, then maybe it's time to reevaluate the relationship and consider why we value the attention of a relationship lacking importance, even to us.

1) Ignore them right back. Forever. Get into new hobbies, diversions, social groups, people. The exact hour that new circle "clicks" and your energy is removed from the equation, you will be amazed at how all those who ignored you are suddenly so very interested in contacting you again. I blow them off mercilessly when this happens. Seriously: I do not ever respond to them or acknowledge their existence again and go on with my life. They know full well what they're doing and can feel and do feed on your attention and energy. Deprive them of this, sit back and watch the fun :)

2) Keep calm and remind yourself their day alone in a corner in the senior home is coming.