Daniel Fleming - Neal McDonough! Or, as I like to think of him in connection with this film, POOR Neal McDonough. Aubrey's dad. He has a deep dark secret. Or at least the movie would like you to pretend it's a secret.

The FBI Guys - They spend the entire film trying to figure out if Dakota is Aubrey or not. Believe it or not, they never think to try fingerprints. They disappear from the film about three-quarters of the way through.

The Guardian Angel - I'm not sure if he's Aubrey's guardian angel, Dakota's, or is assigned to both of them, but the tattoo on his chest would have made a great metal album cover.

The Killer - He cuts off Aubrey's hand and leg, then Dakota stabs him in the testicles and throat. Hey, now that you've read that, you don't need to watch the movie! You should thank me.

PLOTThis movie has caught a lot of flaque from critics and audiences, and it swept the Razzies, but it really isn't that bad. The acting is nowhere near as awful as it's reputed to be and the use of red and blue mood lighting isn't really that annoying.

Lindsay Lohan plays Aubrey Fleming, a rich girl with a charmed life. Nevertheless, she's always felt like half a person. She's kidnapped one day by a local serial killer and, after the killer is done with her, she really is only half a person. (Ba-dump PING!)

Aubrey isn't that important, though. Most of the movie is about Dakota Moss, the twin sister Aubrey never knew she had. Many critics have blasted the film for failing to generate any mystery surrounding this "twist" but it obviously isn't trying to. Dakota is Dakota and Aubrey is Aubrey. At no point does the movie pretend otherwise.

Dakota hasn't led a charmed life. She was raised by a crack-whore mother and seems to have supported herself through prostitution and stripping. One day, Dakota is mildly disturbed when her fingers start falling off. And she's a little more upset when it starts happening to her leg later. This happens right around the time the killer is freezing Aubrey's hand between two blocks of dry ice, cutting off the ruined digits with a glass knife, and going to town on her leg.

You see, Dakota and Aubrey suffer each other's injuries. As Art Bell pops up to explain later, they are "nonreligious stigmatic twins". A lot of people have complained that this is stupid. Frankly, I think it could make for a great horror movie premise, and it's only an extension of the supernatural connection identical twins are often given in movies. I Know Who Killed Me doesn't develop it as much as it should, true, but I appreciate the effort.

Dakota's mother has periodically received envelopes stuffed with cash, so Dakota naturally decides that she should hike to the address those envelopes were coming from in the hopes of figuring out what's going on. That's sure what I'd do if my leg were about to fall off. Dakota doesn't make it, of course, and she's found on the side of the road, nearly dead.

She awakens in a hospital to find that she is now missing her right hand and her right leg (note that she checks to see if she still has her tits!). She's also been mistaken for Aubrey. Dakota doesn't know who Aubrey is and she tries to convince everyone that she isn't Aubrey. Aubrey's parents and the FBI think that Aubrey has just invented the Dakota personality as a defense against what happened to her.

Aubrey's parents decide to play along with Dakota for now, hoping that she'll eventually come to her senses and be Aubrey again. Julia Ormand really manages to put herself into the role of a woman who wants things to be all right again. Poor Neal McDonough doesn't come off nearly as well, and isn't given as much to do, but he tries. Bless, you, poor Neal McDonough.

Aubrey's parents purchase Dakota a cybernetic hand and a cybernetic leg. These are roughly on par with the replacement body parts Darth Vader got at the end of Revenge of the Sith. They're ridiculous. Yet, the movie presents them seriously. The cyborg parts are stupid but I applaud the movie for not going the "wink wink nudge nudge" route.

There's an angle I wish the movie had explored in these scenes of Dakota and Aubrey's parents. Might Dakota not decide that having rich parents would be rather spiffy? Dakota could have started thinking that, hey, this Aubrey girl is probably dead. What will it hurt if I pretend to be her and make her parents happy? Sadly, this never really comes up.

Aubrey is still being tortured by the killer, and Dakota is still manifesting Aubrey's injuries. Dakota decides she needs to figure out what's going on and sexes up Jerrod Pointer, which is something Aubrey never did. Totally whipped, Jerrod decides to help Dakota in her stumbling and rather ineffective investigation. This investigation consists of going to another murdered girl's house, looking around her room, and then going home. Which, honestly, is probably as good an investigation as a teenaged stripper/hooker could run.

Speaking of investigation, what have the FBI guys been doing? NOTHING!

One night, the guardian angel appears to Aubrey as she lays dying in the killer's lair and, in a very roundabout manner, informs her that she has an identical twin and that everything happening to her happens to this twin. After this, Aubrey is able to telepathically communicate with Dakota. She sends Dakota a vision of the killer burying her alive.

Dakota also has a brain storm and figures out that the cash envelopes her mother received came from Daniel. Daniel and Susan Fleming's real daughter died at birth, and Daniel purchased Aubrey from Dakota's crack-whore mom as a replacement, never telling Susan. Shamed, Daniel admits that it is so but refuses to help Dakota. I think Susan is the rich one and Daniel is just along for the ride, and he's afraid he'll lose everything if Susan finds out what he's done. (Good for Daniel that none of the nurses or doctors at the hospital ever told Susan her baby died, eh?)

Not having enough time for Daniel to come around (if Aubrey suffocates Dakota does, too), Dakota heads out on her own to find Aubrey. She goes to the local graveyard and visits the tombstone of the other girl the killer murdered. Dakota receives a psychic vision (from Aubrey? From the other dead girl?) and knows who the killer is. (He's Aubrey's piano teacher. The movie treats this revelation as a parenthetical aside, and so am I.)

Daniel shows up around this time and agrees to help. Daniel wants to call for help, but Dakota says there's "no time!" Hello? Cell phone? The writer should have tossed in a throwaway line about bad reception or a dead battery, at least. Daniel and Dakota go to the killer's lair, where Daniel is killed and Dakota is captured. Now, there were some earlier scenes of the killer stalking Dakota, so he must know that Aubrey and Dakota are two different people. Plus, Dakota isn't wearing the clothes the killer put Aubrey in when he buried her alive. Yet he acts as if he thinks Aubrey has escaped and come back. Dakota, having lived a hard life, is tougher than Aubrey and turns the tables on the killer. He ends up missing a few parts of his own.

You know, the movie seems to want to say that the entire reason Dakota has lived such a hard life is to prepare her for this moment, to make her tough enough to rescue both herself and Aubrey. I get the idea their guardian angel set it up that way. However, this is another intriguing angle that isn't explored.

That killer defeated, Dakota grabs a shovel and follows the psychic visions sent by Aubrey to find where she's buried. An owl we're probably supposed to identify with the guardian angel helps her find the right spot, Dakota digs up Aubrey, and the sisters are finally reunited. Fade out.

LESSONS LEARNEDGlass can be used to saw through flesh and bone.Glass weapons toss bright sparks when sharpened on a grinding wheel.Dry ice looks a lot like Styrofoam. EXACTLY like Styrofoam, in fact.Duct tape fixes anything. Even severed fingers.Blue is the winner color. Red is the loser color. Yellow is ... for plot points?

STUFF TO WATCH FOR"Play Movie" - Ye gods! Over a minute of warnings you can't skip!2:01 - Clothed strippers and nude waitresses? I think you have things backward there, Mr. Movie.17:08 - Just spit it out. Spit it out! You dumbass.40:05 - Ewwwwwwwwww!1:09:44 - Fingerprint her. FINGERPRINT HER! ARGH!1:12:42 - They had to bring in Art Bell to explain the plot. This is not good.1:32:04 - Hold still while I saw your hand off, Mr. Killer. Just a little more. Almost got it ...

NOTABLE QUOTESJerrod: Where's Aubrey?Aubrey's friend: What?Jerrod: Okay. Where'd she park?Aubrey's friend: Ummm...Jerrod: Where'd she park her car? Come on, you rode with her.Aubrey's friend: Yeah, it was on that street. It's that street. You know the one.Jerrod: No. No, I don't know the one. Tell me.