It's been a few weeks since I have written. It's weird; I enjoy it, and yet when I stopped for a bit (some business travel had me busy), it was not something I craved to get back to. I was worried that the same may happen to the gym. That I might have lost the love for it.

As it happens, I didn't. Friday was tough: struggled with everything. Saturday was better. And today, while not a heavy weight day, felt like old times. Back in the saddle. Add whatever euphemism here. I really missed it. And it's so good to be back.

KH thinks Instagram is killing powerlifting. That its losing its edge. That it's no longer true to its origins. I am one of those very same people influenced by my Instagram feed. And I love it.

'Cause while I hear him, I have to figure that if staying the way you were was so important.... he'd still only be pulling 3 plates....

Progress, after all, requires that you are not the same as before. It means better. I guess we just differ on whether we think the surge in popularity, and the way that it's being shared has made it better, worse, or just changed it.

I guess I can only say..... better for ME!

We also debated the POINT of sports. He insists (and my sweet better half agrees) that it's ONLY about winning and losing. The whole point. The be-all-and-end-all. I disagree, but it's based on feeling, vs rational. But I figure that if I push myself to a limit (an HONEST push). If I am improving. If I don't give up. (And have fun), then it still counts. Win or lose.

We tested squats and deads today. Did squat testing Saturday too, but we shall not discuss it.

Anyway: Jerimiah let me try his knee sleeves. And it felt really good. 155# squat, but here's the good part: TO DEPTH!!! Needless to say: I just bought a pair.

And deadlift: 185#.

Add that up to Bench from a week ago, and we are at 450#. 52# off his BAM (bare-ass-minimum) for the July 9th meet. You'll notice I switched from we/our to HIS on that one. I think he has a bit of over optimism there. Anyway.... it's closer than I thought I'd be by now, so... maybe the truth is somewhere in the middle, as usual.

Testing again Wednesday, and then I travel and am gymless for 2 weeks!

Yesterday we tested bench and squats. A difficult 105# and a failed 135#. I can't get depth. Anyway, the real point is that while I can't be happy about the outcome....I was happy. Just... Happy. Endorphins. Knowing I did something for me. Whatever. But the result was not just because of the result (if you follow).

Anyway, then we went to move my mom into the retirement home. The results, at least to our target, were good. She's set up. And yet we had a really horrible day.

Feeling all of the feels ... And they all seem illogical. But they aren't. My "why" for the retirement home set up is the desire to see my mom happy and safe. And while we did the tasks, the "why" is open. Safe, but not happy. It will come, tho.My "why" for lifting is not just to lift heavy shit. That's the task equivalent. The "why" is to challenge myself, push my boundaries, learn more about how I work , invest in my well-being and to demand progress of myself.

So you can't judge success by checking off the tasks. And if you try, you'll may be left thinking that you should feel differently than you do .....to have accomplished what you planned but remain unsatisfied. And that would be the saddest success of all.