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Thursday, April 10, 2008

Greetings again my friends. It's been another busy week for your favorite pimp, so instead of delaying any longer, I'll just get right down to business...

First and foremost I'd like to start off by thanking both Kansas and Memphis for single-handedly restoring my faith in the NCAA Tournament. In a March that lacked it's usual Gus Johnson screams, plethora of last second games and an emergence of a breakout star, the Memphis Tigers and Kansas Jayhawks provided a championship game that will make all the tourney's disappointments seem like mere footnotes in what turned out to be a great book.

After trading blows for nearly 37 minutes, it seemed like everything had fallen in place for coach John Calipari and his Conference USA champs. They led by 9, they had the ball, and super frosh Derrick Rose had already nailed an improbable bank shot that seemingly drove a stake through Kansas' heart. All that was left, was to hit the free throws that they'd been knocking down with regularity after all the pundits had labeled it as their fatal flaw. They were 12-14 at the line up til that point, and with a sound game plane of getting the right guys the ball, they shouldn't have any trouble making sure Chris Douglas-Roberts and Derrick Rose were the ones to take the foul shots that would give them the '08 title. Not only was the championship there for the taking, but it had been earned, and was there to be rewarded...

Cue, wheels falling off...

Joey Dorsey fouls out of the game on a stupid foul on the perimeter. Didn't look huge at the time since the game appeared all but over, but that bad judgment by Dorsey to commit the foul was just a sign of things to come...

Next Jayhawk Sherron Collins grabs a steal (one of 7 in the game by the KU back court), and converts it into a 3 on the other end. Oh, and speaking of 3's. At this point the earlier Hail Mary bank shot from Rose had been changed from a 3 to a 2, meaning Memphis only led by 5. It was blatant that he had both feet on the line, but Tiger fans can thank CBS mic man, Jim Nance, for pointing out to the officials during the commercial break that they'd gotten the call wrong. Not only do you have to love the fact that they allow and encourage the use of replay for 3's in college hoops, but you also have to love how Jim Nance has more pull than a Taiwanese happy ending. You think if Gus Johnson went and told the refs that they would have listened? "Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! That was only a Twooooooooooo!!!". Yeah nice try Gus, but no cigar...

From here on out, with the Jayhawks now down 5, it was the free throw shooting and suspect coaching that would spell the end for Memphis. Having gone 12-14 from the line during the game, Memphis proceeded to go 1-6 to wrap it up, including 2 straight bricks from All-World scorer Chris Douglas-RobertSlavin. Rose rimmed one out, and despite some great hustle plays from Robert Dozier, the Tigers found themselves up only 3, with less than 11 seconds showing on the clock...Mario Chalmers comes flying off a screen. Sets himself. Squares to the hoop. And the rest, as they say, is history. Derrick Rose had tried to bump Collins before he could get Chalmers the rock, but in a consistent move by the officials, they didn't see nearly enough contact to warrant a foul. Which brings me to 2 points. 1) The officiating in that game was straight up nasty. They let the kids play on the inside, and really only called fouls if the contact truly affected the outcome of the play. It was refreshing to see. 2) Calipari, knowing this, needed to tell his boys to make sure and straight up grab Kansas before they had any inkling of getting a shot off on that last possession. Hindsight nothing, cuz I was saying it at the time. Not nearly enough coaches employ that strategy when the time calls for it, yet in the aftermath it always seems like it would have been the prudent choice. I know Cal said he told his boys to foul, but unless he told them to make it blatant and make it hard, then I don't think he did his job up to par. If you wanna put it on Rose, that's fine by me too, but I'm putting this one squarely on Jonny Cal. It's fundamentals that will win and lose you games when the talent is balanced, and for Memphis, their lack of the basic physical and mental fundamental understandings of the game is what ultimately cost them the 2008 title...

I guess I have to thank them, since their inability to make even the most basic plays opened the door for an ending for the ages, and saved the worst tournament in years from becoming one of the biggest duds of all time. After those Final Four games, I thought I would have to take March Madness around back and give it the OlYeller treatment. But thanks to a blend of Kansas clutch, and Memphis meltdown, we'll all remember the 2008 NCAA Tournament as the one that that started with chalk, and ended with Hawk. It figured the only year I don't take them, Kansas actually cuts down the nets. But due to the entertainment value their win provided, I won't hold it against them. That is until I think they're ill next year, and have them losing in the Sweet 16! Oh!

Hey, at least I don't hold a grudge as long as some people I know...

Red Sox UpdateOverall: 4-5

-I know as a Red Sox fan I'm supposed to be saying how after a 5-4 start there's now way this team can make the playoffs and win it all, but I'm gonna do that today. Haha Granted I might be thinking it, but Ii'm instead deciding to focus my Sox time this week discussing the events that occurred on the day of the home opener. Returning to Fenway Park for the first time in 18 years, maligned first baseman, Bill Buckner, tossed out the first pitch of the '08 home season to good buddy Dwight Evans, and received a rousing applause and a standing ovation. Sure he received a similar reception when he rejoined the Sox in 1990, but this was different. In '90, it was more like "Hey, we went a bit overboard, and we realize it wasn't ALL your fault" combined with "If we don't cheer for you, we're afraid you might off yourself. And we don't want that on our conscience". On Wednesday it was "Hey man don't sweat it, we got 2 rings now! And oh yea, turns out you were a pretty good player for us too, so good work on that". Whoever said winning cures all ills, was right on the money. After that ball went through his legs in '86, Buckner was driven from this state like the gays from...well...pretty much everywhere, right? I mean this guy was straight up chastised. Never mind that he shouldn't have been in the game. Never mind that the bullpen went Gagne on 'em. And never mind that there was still another game they could have won to get the title!! No. He let the ball go through his legs. It's all his fault. He needs to die. The tape of him misplaying that grounder played again and again, and Buckner the man came to be how people identified the Red Sox curse. So while he hasn't added a single hit to his more than 2,700, the fact that the curse has been "lifted", has opened the doors to forgiveness in the minds of Red Sox fans. After all, it's ALWAYS just about winning, no matter how loudly someone tries to tell you otherwise. So now, what once was looked upon as a stain in the Boston sports conscience, is looked at as a sign of why things were once so tough, and why we're now all that more deserving. It made us stronger, and we still persevered. Sad that it took destroying a man's like and credibility to do so, but that's all water under some sort of bridge...or at least through some one's legs...

-So while one curse went by the wayside, there may be a new curse developing at the Fens that might actually work in favor of the Sox. No, I'm not talking about Jerry Remy blowing Marb Red clouds into the faces of opposing batters, I'm talking about the Fenway Hawk. The Hawk first made an appearance last week when it attacked a young girl in a school tour group named, and I shit you not, Alexia Rodriguez. I guess he swooped near her and grazed her scalp, but she wasn't hurt that badly, so it was cool to laugh. The next appearance came on Tuesday at the home opener, where he flew across a large portion of the field with a freaking dead mouse in his mouth! It was money! I'm watching the game on TV, and as they panned away from the hawk, you could still see all the fans behind home plate ignoring the action on the field and instead choosing to gawk at the hawk! And I can't blame 'em. What I'm waiting for is the Sox front office to capitalize on this thing and make some etxtra dough. You know they're already printin' up some pink hawk shirts or bumper stickers with Remy's head on the hawks body. Hey, you know that shit'll sell so I can't say I blame 'em. What I'm waiting for is the day where Manny just holds out his arm, and the hawk flies down to him, lands on his arm, and rests on his shoulder for the entire inning while he pets it's head. Now that, would be impressive...

-And if you're thinkin' the Sox 4-5 start is a sign of bad things to come, calm yourself. I have concerns too, but they're nothing to get all fired up about. Besides, by this time next week, the ship will either have been righted, or we'll have a whole new batch of problems no discuss. So why waste my precious time right now?...

Diamonds...She'll Pretty Much Have To-If it smells like crotch, and you feel like you can't move, it's because you jumped on the jock of the Toronto Blue Jays at the same time as the rest of the MLB free world. The Jays currently only sit at 4-4, but after impressive performances against both Boston and New York to open the season, both of those respective fan bases are thinking they may have underestimated the team from America's attic. Listen. They have talent. This much we knew. The only question when it came to Toronto is weather or not they'll be able to keep their guys healthy for a bulk of the regular season. Last time I checked, 8 games in isn't exactly proof that these guys are gonna stay healthy. Hey, if you didn't know how good they were, then I guess you were really impressed by their play. For the rest of us that actually know of what we speak, this is more than likely just the tease, that's going to followed by a heavy dose of mid-season DL reality. Enjoy it while it lasts, you Canadian bastards...

-The Jays aren't the only ones impressing early, either. Two teams I buried in my MLB preview, Baltimore, Kansas City and St. Louis, have also had impressive starts out of the gate. My theory withe these "over-achievers", is that right now they flat out don't know any better. They're so young they don't know they're supposed to be rolling over and losing every night. Trust me, I'd still put my money with a slow starting team like Detroit, but it's nice to see that at least for a month or two, the scrubs and bottom dwellers can get a few W's, and get their mugs on ESPN. Besides, that's the only way they're ever gonna get good, and be able to screw there small market club in free agency. Open market and no salary cap. Gotta love it...

-And if there was ever an example of "no publicity being bad publicity", it's noted author and cattle hormone ingestor, Jose Canseco. Upon the release of his new tell all book, Vindicated, Jose has been making all the usual rounds as far as talk shows and has had an unusual tactic when dealing with his interviews. In separate radio interviews I heard, the Sultan of the Syringe was always on the defensive, and if at any time his character was questioned, he insulted the host and hung up the phone. Classic. I think at this point even Jose knows that he used up all his credibility in the first book, and is now just grasping for dollars. I mean he comes on a show, probably just long enough to collect his appearance fee, and the second he's being questioned himself, he makes like a 5 year old and takes his toys crying home to his mom. Listen...Joe...If you're gonna try and make at living at dragging people's names through the mud and extorting them for cakes, then you're gonna have to get some thicker skin. No, not tanner skin...thicker skin. You obviously have an agenda against A-Rod, and say as much in the book, so why is it so difficult to admit that when your asked point blank? You say it's not about you, that it's just about what you know, but at this point all you seem to know, is that you want to tarnish a lot of people's reputations whether they cheated or not. Maybe it's our fault as the fans for letting you garner all this power to begin with, but I know it won't be our fault if you don't self destruct, crash and burn into a million little leatherizedroid filled pieces. The path you've been heading down a while is gonna lead you to money-grubbing freak status, it just seems like with your latest press tour, that "path" has become a freakin' Auduban...

News and Notes

-In case you've missed it, CBS and ESPN seem to think that Jesus Christ is about to return to Earth and explain to all of us the meaning of life. Well, either that or the Masters is starting up this week. I love the chase for the green jacket as much as the next guy, but that melodic music combined with Jim Nance's voice just makes me think I should be swallowing a bunch of anti freeze and ascending to a magical spaceship in the sky. I get it. It's a tradition unlike any other. What I wanna see, is Tiger ripping that tradition right off Mickelson's back, and spanking that fat Ford slanger up and down the Augusta National fairways. Tradition or not. I tune in for one reason and one reason only. OK two reasons. First and foremost it's to watch Tiger freaking Woods mop the floor with the entire field, beating them as if they'd just surrendered to the US Military. Secondly, it's in case John Daly shows up wasted, whether to play golf or not, and makes a complete ass of himself. Hey, I know it's sad to root for a guy's demise like that, but I can't help it. I'm human after all, and I sure as Hell can spot funny when I see it. Fat dudes all liquored, smokin' butts, and launchin' 400 yard Scuds? That's just too funny to resist. So make no mistake, ESPN and CBS, I'll be watching this so called "tradition", but I'll be watching it for all the wrong reasons! So take, THAT!....

-Word out of a Kansas prison says that Mikey Vick has been playing full squad flag football games with his fellow inmates....wait...or has he? Falcons owner Arthur Blank said Vick was playing QB for both sides in the prison league, but prison officials say they're season hasn't even started yet. Ohhhh. You know what. I think Blank was just a little confused. He saw that prison football movie with The Rock on HBO the other day, and thought he saw Vick in the background. Honest mistake, Art. I was watchin' TV the other day, and I cudda swore I saw Charlton Heston attempting to free all the Jews. Turns out...he's dead. So I was mistaken. See, man. TV is tricky, and we can all make mistakes...

-I asked last week if there was anything funnier than the Olympics, and thanks to the Olympics themselves, I actually found an answer. The Olympic Torch relay. I mean is this thing funny, or is it just me? I mean it seems like I can't turn on the TV for 5 seconds lately without seeing some young girl, or some guy in a track suit, carrying the Olympic torch, and getting mugged by a huge crowd of protesters. It's like "she's running, she's waiving, she's smiling.....uhhh!!...she's down....and the flame is out". Forget the fact there are like 50 of these torches makin' the rounds, too. When this torch hits the ground, it's as if the freaking Pope has been shot. People tossin' bows and tackling protesters as if the whole World's fate depended on the resilience of this glorified witch hunting tool. Seriously, people. Give it up. I mean what did you expect? The only people that give a damn about your event and your stupid torch, are stupid track and field fans that are nothing short of political fanatics. They like them some government over throwin', and they like them some baton transfers and Fosbury flops. Combine a Communist host country with w bunch of radicals, and this was bound to be what you got. I guess it's a plus though as far as ratings. Personally, I was only gonna tune in going in and out of commercials to hear the wonderfully melodic theme song. Now I guess I have to stay tuned to see which noble Frenchman or former KGB member is gonna try and bomb the Beijing Olympics back into the stone age with a backpack full of C4. Hey, maybe I'm wrong for tuning in for that reason, but I'm telling you just wait. Sure my morals may be off kilter, but I know must see TV when I see it. And thanks to all the attacks on the torch, the Olympics might actually be worth watching, just to see which country REALLY wins...

-And speaking of hysterically idiotic things that only Europeans and retards care about, the NHL playoffs are upon us. Oh, excuse me. The "Stanley Cup" playoffs are upon us. All I know, is the Bruins are in 8th and they're playing the Canadiens for what seems like the millionth time in a row. I know it's not like the B's are often IN the playoffs, but it seems every time they are it's the Habs that end up giving them the boot. Matter of fact, if memory serves, it was the 8th seeded Canadiens that did in Boston the last time they were #1 in the East. Couldn't tell ya what year that was if you offered me a delicious plate of BBQ, but I'm pretty sure it happened. I couldn't tell you how they're gonna do this time around because I don't watch and I don't care. All I know, is that when this thing is done, a bunch of guys that never shave and never bathe are going to be drinking high alcohol content beer out of a trophy that's no doubt been used to was a teammates genitals. Hey, who are you kidding. You know you'd be dippin' your junk in there and gettin' your clean on, so I don't wanna hear any different. And if it isn't what you were thinkin', then just know that the NHL is so pointless, and so irrelevant, that me dipping my junk into the actual "Cup" is actually a fairly accurate representation of how most of this country feels about it. Until the actual Mighty Ducks...you know, the kids from the movie...form the V and take that thing home, I don't wanna be bothered...

-From the "I can't wait till some reality TV exec gets his hands on this bad boy" department, there's Craftsman Series truck driver, Aaron Fike. In an ESPN the Magazine story, Fike admits to shooting up heroin before races, yet was never suspected to be a drug user, and never even tested for drugs by NASCAR. Whoa! First off, shame on you NASCAR. In a country where drunken driving is viewed as homicide, we're not even seeing if these guys are chemically stable enough to get behind these 200 mph rocket ships? I mean come on! Heroin! This guy was shooting heroin and driving around like a stoner would smoke a blunt and eat an entire bag of Funions and a large cheese pizza! I mean I'm all for gettin' ur kicks, but that's really not chill for all the other drivers out there on the track, is it? For all I know Jeff Gordon is strung out on Prozac while Dale Jr. is shootin Meth between his toes, but until I get some facts to back me up, that's just a little large of a leap to take. You're already basically drug testing your cars for enhancement purposes, so I don't think it's too much to ask that your driver's are sober enough to 3 point turn. I know nobody "tested yer pappy when he was runnin' shine thru dem Smokey Mountians", but that's the way the world works now, and it's time you 'backy spittin hicks got with the program. Remember. Drugs are cool. Even the ones you can make in your shed. But car accidents are bad. Especially the ones you make at 200 miles an hour...

-To finish up this week, I figured I'd leave you with a few delicious videos that will hopefully make you chuckle.

I'm not sure if it's the brilliance of the creepy Steve Buscemi-esque actor, or just the great comic timing, but I just love that freaking commercial. It came back recently, and while I'm not sure why, I'm glad it's back on TV. And while I;m sure many of you have seen this next clip, I wouldn't feel right if I didn't put it up here. I have no idea how many months ago I first saw this, but I know I just stopped hysterically laughing from it about 10 minutes ago. Get back in there, little mouth!...

Ahhh it's always good to end with a laugh. I'll be back next week, probably around the same time, with a lot of NFL draf stuff, some more baseball notes, and a look at the Celts as they head towards the playoffs. Until then, try not to upset any sexually-confused aliens, and try to steer clear of the Olympic torch relay. Shit's dangerous, son...