From mud huts, umqomboti and straightback to penthouses, expensive weaves and moet!

YES 82

Marriage! There is that word again. As a woman you grow up knowing that one day your feet should lead you to it.

Think of your first toys, it was dolls and teddy bears to teach you how to care for real babies when one day you are all grown up. We take it for granted how we condition our girl children but they grow up knowing that one, God willing they will be the wife to some amazing man. Even women who consider themselves feminists but their children dolls and this include single mothers who say they hate men. The reality is they don’t hate men enough to tell their daughters that marriage is not the Holy Grail. Why is it so flawed though? Is it the men that have ruined the experience for us women or the women who have been so naïve over the centuries that have led us here were getting married just seems like a totally bad idea? Miriam’s words meant something when she warned me not to get married because she had experienced what many women had experienced, betrayal!

“Where am I going exactly? Are you taking me to a place where you going ask for a divorce?”

Miriam asked. I thought she was going to drive with me but guess what; she was not going to lose sight of Bongani in case he tried to run away. She went to his car and waited by the door.

“Do you think I am stupid? I am driving with you! I am not losing sight of you!”

She said defiantly. Miriam ke bosso shem! The first wife did not argue but she too came to the car and stood because like Miriam she was going with her man. As soon as he opened the door, Miriam sat in the front seat. A lot of people don’t realize how symbolic the front seat is in a woman’s psyche! The front seat of your man’s car is yours and it doesn’t matter who else can be in the car with you even God, the front seat belongs to you! This is not a democracy. The front seat represents so much more than people give credit for.

“Really, you are fighting for the front seat like it means something!”

The first wife said bemused by how fast Miriam ran to it so fast.

“Bitch don’t make me come out and beat you up ok! I haven’t touched you because you did nothing wrong to me but just don’t!”

Miriam threatened her. That’s my Miriam; she will fight to the end.

“Mum the mean lady just said a bad word!”

Sfiso Jnr said and immediately Bongani intervened.

“Don’t use that language in front of the kids! No matter what’s wrong between us you don’t have that right! Apologize right now or get out of this car and never come back!”

He said. For someone who was in so much trouble he sounded very authoritative and I could hear from that tone that he was serious. She recognized this too because immediately without hesitation she turned around and said,

“I am sorry, that was out of line!”

What was going on here? The way she turned from this lioness to a mouse was quite astonishing. Bongani once beat up Miriam so was this an example of the tone he used when he abused her.

Sfiso said from behind me. I had gotten so lost in my thoughts I had forgotten that I was practically staring at the car. I think I was fascinated by their lives, goodness I need a husband to make my own drama. All of a sudden Bongani came out of the car and walked to us and said,

“You know what; let me try talking to them both on my own! I will call when I need you!”

He said.

“You are not leaving with Miriam on her own! She does not know anyone here and frankly speaking I don’t trust you!”

I told him.

“It’s not about you right now! It’s about us and her marriage! I know I fucked up with her but can you give us space for now please!”

He said and turned to Sfiso.

“Mate please take her to her BnB or whatever. We will be fine I promise!”

“I told you to fix this before Bongani now look what’s happening! This is your last chance otherwise you will lose them both no matter what you think!”

Sfiso told his friend. So this was not a new discussion for them. Did this mean that he had tried to get this relationship to stop in the first place? My man, I mean Sfiso is a hero then. Standing up to your friends is harder than it looks so well done to him.

“Yes I know. Go take care of other things my friend don’t worry about us please. Sesi Lungi I really am sorry about what happened today!”

He said and he drove away. It suddenly felt awkward that I was standing here in the parking lot alone with Sfiso.

“Where are you staying again?”

He asked me. I told me where I was staying and he said it was not too far from where the funeral was. This would mean this was a suburban funeral then. You know how most black funerals are either in the township or the rural areas, it’s like people in the suburbs don’t die I tell you.

“Where are you parked so I can drive behind you?”

I pointed out my car and then he said I should walk him to his car as he was on the other side. The plan was then to drive me back to my own car which I did not mind. We walked in silence. I did not know what to say to him. I wanted to hug him and tell him how sorry I truly was for his loss but somehow it was not coming out. I had this huge lump in my throat and at some point I felt guilty for not being able to comfort him.

“This is me!”

He said when we got to a black bakkie. He drove me to my car.

“I won’t drive too fast!”

I told him. It was not meant to be a joke but he laughed.

“Trust me I can keep up!”

He said. I don’t know what was funny about that but ok; at least I had cracked our first joke then. I was so relieved when I got into my car, I really was. I let out a deep breath because it was as though I was holding it in. As I drove out I had a phone call, it was Mam’ Dolly, Miriam’s mom!

“Did you guys arrive safely?”

She asked me after the greetings. What had happened was not my story to tell so I told her all was well. She asked me where her daughter was and I told her that she left with her husband when we got here.

“Oh that’s nice. He is such a wonderful man Bongani. You need a husband Lungi so you too can start building a family!”

She said. This woman loved me I know but she always had to rub it in.

“I am with your mother by the way and she wants to say hi!”

She said to me. Its funny how I just knew at that moment I was in trouble and what’s embarrassing I don’t know what I was in trouble for.

“Lungile!”

Is how she began the conversation?

“Hello mum how are you?”

I said to her after she called my name.

“O so you know who I am? When last did you call me or talk to me? Do I really have to come next door to hear from other that my child is in Nelspruit? Are you not even ashamed?”

She asked me a barrage of question before I could even answer. The truth is, I was old enough not to answer to my mother but to her, even with my sister were had to tell her every time we went somewhere!

“I am sorry mum it’s not supposed to be like that!”

I responded.

“Don’t mum because clearly you don’t see me like your mother! Here I am trying to fix your problem but you are not even bothered to call and check up on me. Even if you were selfish and wanted to check up on the progress of your things that would be better than this treatment you are giving me!”

She complained. Goodness what had I done? When my mother starts complaining it becomes a big deal and the woman knew how to drag back old faults into a current conversation. At this stage she was talking about the whole Sangoma nonsense which I really was trying to put at the back of my mind. I had tried not to think about it or talk about it with the hope that it would just go away.

“I am sorry mum. Can I call you back; I have just been stopped by the police!”

I told her.

“Now you even lie to me about the police! You really do hate your own mother!”

She said to me but the thing is I was not lying! I was telling the truth. As I turned off the last major road to the Bed and Breakfast I was stopped.

“Good evening ma’am!”

He asked me.

“Good evening sir!”

I automatically reached out for my license which was in the bag on the floor! I showed him as he walked around the car to inspect it.

“Would you step out of the vehicle please we would like to check something inside?”

He asked me.

“Do you have a warrant for that because last I checked it is illegal to search people without it?”

I asked him. As I said that Bongani’s car stopped behind us.

“Sir you can move on!”

The police man said!

“We driving together actually and she is leading the way, I don’t know where we are going!”

He explained to the guy.

“But you can’t park there!”

The officer complained. Something was wrong. The officer looked nervous. I don’t know if it was my Jhb instincts but something was wrong.

“Let’s us go to a garage officer because I am not stepping out of my car in a dark corner!”

In the distance another police car was approaching!

“Ma’am you are being stubborn!”

He said.

“Listen, it’s what your minister told us to do. You should know this. Are you going to follow me or not because I am a woman driving alone and there is no way in hell I am stopping!”

He looked at the police car approaching and suddenly he just ran to his car. Two other guys appeared out of nowhere and jumped into his cop car because that’s what he was driving and they drove off.

First and foremost: Thank you so much for the wonderful work you do, thank you for sharing what God has blessed you with!!! #SALUTE

Here’s my story! I’m 33 years old married to a wonderful man of the same age for two months now. We met and two weeks after we were already planning to spend our lives together. He has a kid and I have 2 from different fathers…the father of the youngest ran away, so basically he doesn’t have a father…the older one has an absent father (meaning he is there…he is known to the child but he decided to be absent…He blocked me on all social networks…calls are also blocked…all because he is so bitter that I found happiness). We had been staying with the little one whom he adores and treats as his own but recently the older one had to come stay with me because we lost my mother who was the primary caregiver to my older child.

Now here is my problem: My husband has a problem with us staying with the older one(I think it’s because he sees the child as another man’s child). It has put a tremendous strain on our relationship. I feel like I am caught between a rock and a hard place because there is really nowhere I can take my child except to my mother who is now no longer with us. How does one solve such a problem? I love my husband and I WILL NOT choose between him and my child!! He won’t see reason!! Do I just leave my husband or is there anything else I can do cause I will not neglect my child for any man, not even the one I vowed to be with forever!! Please help!!!

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35 thoughts on “YES 82”

If push comes to it you will have to choose your child over your man. If he cannot accept you with all your baggage and kids then he clearly doesn’t deserve. Mark my words its only a matter of time before he makes you choose between you and your son

Troubled wife. You have placed yourself in this current situation before you had even got married you should have had your husband build a relationship with both your children not just 1. Your estranged relationship with your own child is the reason why this man of yours refuses to accept the child. You were a mother before you were someone’s wife and your husband needs to know and understand that as well as respect it. A man that loves and cares more for your children is the only one worthy of choosing…..

And then you have the dilemma of your astranged baby father who is bitter over your happiness what happens when he decides to come back and play that father figure role to his child wena uzothini? And where shall your husband be expected to be? This is possibly why your husband isn’t willing to accept that child fully cause there seems to be no boundaries between the baby daddy and you . please sit down with your husband and talk bout this problem and find possible solutions as way forward and I pray and urge you to stick to them as women we tend to go back on our words at times in such instances

Thanx Mike and team for yet another capturing chapter! Always appreciated and value your work.
Dear Troubled Heartbroken wife, I am so sorry for what you’re going through right now! I love your stance of putting your children first bcoz you’re all they have in a mother.
It seems you already know what to do but just need assurance that what you’re thinking makes sense or is a good step. Unreservedly I support you choosing your child/ren. Hubby should know how important it is……words fail me in trying to emphasise the importance…..! That child has lost a “mother” figure and gran and vulnerable at this stage. Already feels rejected by his dad who isn’t involved in his life. Doesn’t need or deserve this too! Hell No!!
Hope you made the best decision, God bless you.

Hijacking stunts have even improved in this country,imagine dey even use police uniform.Big ups Mike…QnA should ur husband still hv dat attitude of his den ull hv no choice bt to choose ur child.But try reasonin with him for now.If he doesnt see any den leave him,ur child comes first

Heartbroken wife firstly the marriage was a quick marriage so I’m guessing these things were never discussed of where the kids will live etc so I think you need to sit down both of you calmly and maybe with someone neutral to discuss this issue.
I hope you are not even considering sending ur child to a cousin, sisters, brother, aunt or even a relative because that is what your husband will be suggesting next. A child needs to be with their mother. If your husband cannot see the importance of you raising your children then I think you will have to let go of this marriage and take care of your kids.

Thanks Mike
This man is being unfair really, he knew you had two children now what does he expect you to do with your child?
It’s best you leave him if he doesn’t see reason, coz he will end up abusing it child

Heartbroken wife, I wish you will have a backbone with your husband, tell him in no uncertain terms that he musn’t make u choose between him amd your son coz if push comes to a shove undoubtedly u will choose your son. Our kids are the only people who love us as their parents unconditionally because they dont know or have any other parents they know and love other than us.

Most times married women who have kids outside marriage have a tendency of choosing their husbands over their out of wedlock children. Because they have this twisted programming that they belong with their husbands. I hope and trust that u will not make that grave mistake coz if u do your son will resent u for the rest of his life and am sure u dont want that. Izinto zoniwa ngokuthetha, kuphinde ukuthetha kuyazilungisa izinto. Sit your husband down and talk things calmly with him.

This man is not being unfair, She never cared for her child, she is a selfish mother whom has already chosen a man over her 1st born. Why are people making babies and not raising them themselves, what was the reason that you did not have all your children stay with you?

I have no respect for women whom pop babies yet they do not care for them but rather sends the kids to stay with families, why on earth would you have baby number 2 from a different man, I know they say babies are blessings but phew some south African woman just make having a child with every man they meet a priority and come back and try to shift the blame on the guy when he is not responsible, but the truth of the matter is it took took of you to decide to have a child, I say DECIDE because when you have phanaphana without a condom you know you might fall pregnant.

Why didn’t you use a condom until marriage? You see why having kids out of wedlock is not advisable?

Often we blame men for running after falling pregnant but reality is I am sure those kids were not planned for, the onus is on us too women to protect ourselves from these irresponsible men, if you are not married and decide go frya di chips without protection then if he decides to run off then you have no reason to be bitter because you knew the repercussions of having unprotected sex.

the simple question would be, have you experienced it, if you havent then you have no right to say anything to this poor lady,you can never really judge a person until you walked a day in their mocassins, i say bigs up to the lady for keeping the kids most women would have opted for abortion and she should choose the kids, what this man is not considering is that the mother of his child might one day die and the kid might be forced into staying with them we really never think unless something happens to us and then we view it with new eyes

Not everyone sends their children to their parents or family because they are irresponsible. Sometimes the parents fall in love with their grandchild and plead with their daughter (or son) to let the baby stay with them. Sometimes circumstances are not conducive for one to look after or stay with her children and temporarily asks her parents to help her out and there is nothing wrong there. The children are in a safe home with all the love. That is why we have parents or family to support one another when times are hard. Some of us we come from one province and go work at another without any support system where we are. In those cases it is common to ‘ship’ a child or children to grandparents when times are hard for the safety of the children’s well-being. Sometimes the patents will manipulate you into believing that you’re too young to care for your child or children and convince you to bring them to live with them. So many scenarios but I hope one gets the picture. There’s many sides to a story. For whatever reason the son lived with gran the fact now is gran is gone son has to come live with mom and step-dad isn’t too keen.

@Lekgarebe la mopedi what are you on about? this women here is not complaining about her baby daddy running away she need the advise to how to handle the situation between her husband and her child, clearly you didn’t read the question wee? is women like you who think they are perfect yet they fall in a trap of men yes she got two kids without marriage with reasons ofcouse so why biting her head off. stop talking nonsense of the things you know nothing about what if she wanted 3children and it happened that they don’t have their father she does not complain about the damn baby daddy who ran away nor the baby daddy who blocked her she is asking advise of crius matters not matlakala a o a tshelang mo hee mang tlogelang goitira batho ba ba against tlhago onnetse go tshela ngwana mongwe ka di salad. nyaya man ne ke sa battle go bua ka gore ga ke itse ke re eng to you heart broken wife as myself I wont know how to handle the situation but def gonna choose my child just some ppl bano phatloga hela nkare batswa seholong.

@brokenheart wife- in black culture when you have a child out of wedlock and you get married by the man who is not the father of your child you are advised to leave your child at home as they say ngwana wantlha ke wa legae I am one of those children who were raised by grannies because I was the first child and my mom was not married then so my granny became my mother by default so I understand why your mother was raising your child now the situation is deferent your mom has passed away and you cant leave your child with other relatives than your mother as a child need a mother figure and now you are a perfect person for that, sit your husband down tell him that you are a mother and as much as you love your children you love him too and you cant compare the love for both as the situation is deferent you love him as your husband as much as your children. make him understand the situation speak from your heart and don’t make threats of any sorts believe me he will understand if he loves you that much then he should love your children as his own with or without baby daddy drama. Gooud luck dear

heartbroken wife – I have noticed that you dont mention anything about your son’s attitude towards your husband? Is he showing your husband respect as an elder? The reason why i aks if because most often when kids grow up with grandparents, they indirectly get poisoned against the *new* father & when you are not around the kids will mistreat and even abuse the father – knowing very well you will always take sides.

before you take drastic action against your husband , I would suggest you sit down & have a talk with your son to find out his side of the story. Your husband will obvioucly not badmouth your son because he knows women always take sides. Best would be to have a heart2heart with yur 1st born. if that fails I would suggest you spy on him (yes, spying does help at times)….just so you have an idea of what you are dealing with.

If its a serious matter – ie disrespect or insecurities, then I would suggest therapy if your husband is the guilty party. If you son is the guilty party, I would suggest good old fashion strictness & punishment if necessary!

Remember, grandparents love their grandkids to a point of spoiling them, So u need to start cracking the whip mam 🙂

If its not so serious -ie getting to know each other, I would suggest your husband & 1st born spending more *me* time together so that they get used to each other.

@Katlego thank u very much yhoo i dnt knw wat @lekagrabe is on about, unbroken ddnt write here to be judged abt having 2 babies out of wedlock matter of fact it has ntn to do wif u n yes these things happen n hu r u too judge?? I dnt see any where la she complaining abt having these kids

Sum ppl r really insensitive yazi, the lady is asking fr advice on how to make sure her husband can accept her first born since her mother who cared fr her has passed on, whether she has 19 kids out if wedlock its none of ur business cause she is married n trying to save her marriage by making sure hubby can love her child..
..@ heartbroken wen push comes to shove no matter what ur children should come first don’t b a sell out to ur child cause ur hubby will make sure u chose trust me it will come to that, jst prepare urself fr the it..but at the moment sit him down n explain that u love him but u will not give up ur child no matter wht… Gud luck cc hope it goes well

Thank you Mike for awesome chapter. Y.E.S rock my world.
Somehow Lungi’s mother relate so well with my mother. that how my mom is if not even more dramatic.
Brokenhearted wife, no mother should ever be made to choose between anything and her children not even your husband. The child is your flesh and blood and really needs to be with you due to circumstances beyond your control. eish some man wants to be accepted with their baggage but they don’t want to accept someone else’s.

QnA
This situation is very sensitive, as most ladies say “Don’t leave your child because of a man” but they forget to look into what that man is thinking/ feeling and you don’t say what are his reasons for doing that. I will give perspective from that man.

When the man agreed to be your partner he did not “count all the chicks to be produced by those eggs”. In his scheme of things, the first born would stay with your mom (as you sold the grand plan to him) then he prepared his heart (and purse) to deal with one of your kids. Of course at the death of your mom (may her soul rest in peace), the dynamics changed. In all senses, does that make him a bad person when he admits that staying with both kids is too much for him? I would not go into the challenge of bringing up kids that are not yours as a man, it is a story of another day.
He saw the logistics to be too much for him i.e. that takes away the chance of having kid with you (that’s marriage – not selfish), traveling as a family; number of loaves of bread consumed per day.
Yes women look into this selfishly into their own interest and that of their brood but look at the other other bugger as well (holistic view)

Now my temporary solution to the matter is BOARDING SCHOOL. The kid will not feel too much rejected as he understood reasons he was left with the granny while others were enjoying ice-cream with mommy. Yet all needs of a kid and the man including yours will be addressed.
Permanent solution – I don’t have one for now.

I am in no way insensitive, when one is being blunt then you accuse them of being brutal, nnete ya baba thats a fact, I was very sober when I typed that comment and I still stand by it , I dont drink by the way.

Hearbroken is to be blamed for the tension in her house, she did not care for her son in the first place, the only reason she has taken him in because her mom has passed, my condolences for your loss, but the truth of the matter is she should have made sure her husband had a relationship with both her children before she rushed to marriage, she should have communicated this with her husband before if she really cared about her older son.

The truth is she never imagined having to stay with her first born, so now that she has no choice she doesnt know what to do.

Mosadi stand your ground and make it known to that wonderful man of yours that your son will always come first, tell him he has to accept and work on having a relationship with your son, if not, show him the door.