Jack and MacGyver discuss plans for the velociraptor/zombie/vampire apocalypse. Just a little humor ficlet--SG-1/MacGyver crossover, obviously. Inspired by a story where Jack and Mac were brothers, but doesn't have to be read that way.

MacGyver dropped into one of
the briefing-room chairs, crossed his legs, and pulled a piece of
string out of his pocket. He'd have about a half-hour wait before the
computer finished the diagnostics Major Sam Carter was running to
check if his help was still needed to fix it.

He liked visiting Stargate
Command. For a military base, it was quiet and informal (except in
emergencies) and he had friends who would stop by to chat if they
heard he was here. Maybe Siler the maintenance guy would even find
time to swap job-related horror stories with him again.

When the door opened, he said
"Hi" without looking up from the bowline he'd just capsized. His
ears told him within two guesses who had entered the room, so he
wasn't too surprised to hear an uncannily familiar voice ask, "So,
what's your velocizompire plan?"

"My what?" MacGyver
finished untying his knot and put the string away before looking up.
"Nice to see you, by the way."

"Ya, sure, you betcha."
Jack O'Neill flopped into an empty chair and put his boots up on the
table. "C'mon, Mac—what's your plan for the velocizompire
apocalypse?"

"Better not let people hear
you using words that size," MacGyver warned. "They might figure
out how smart you really are." His mind was racing--he was certain
the word velocizompire existed only on one website, a
limited-access site he'd never imagined Jack would join. Better make
sure they were thinking of the same thing... "What's a
velocizompire anyway?"

"It's a cross between a
velociraptor, a zombie, and a vampire. What are you gonna do when
they come to get you?"

Yeah--they were on the same
wavelength all right. "Do I have to have a plan?" Mac parried. "I
like to go into these things with an open mind, you know."

"Mac, everybody has to have
a plan for the velocizompire acoppalix... What?"

"Jack, you're not drunk or
something, are you?" It was meant as a joke, teasing him for mixing
up the word; Jack wasn't really acting drunk. He was always
this silly, in Mac's experience.

Almost always.

Jack sat up straight,
bringing both feet down to the floor with a thump. "No, I'm not,"
he snapped, his brown eyes angry. "I don't drink on duty. And you
have no business suggesting--"

"It's just tricky to say.
Try it yourself." Jack's eyes were twinkling again, and MacGyver
knew his accidental rudeness was forgiven and forgotten.

"I'll pass. How about we
get to work on this anti-velocizompire plan?" He was curious to see
how much Jack would borrow from the discussions he'd obviously read.

"You won't let me just
shoot them, I suppose?"

"No." MacGyver's jaw
tightened. "I don't get how you can still... after... Never mind."
He leaned back a little, running a hand through his shaggy blond
hair. "Uhh... shouldn't we try to capture them alive?" he
improvised. "After all, uh... zombies are practically perpetual
motion machines--put a few on treadmills, and they could help solve
the world energy crisis."

"This, from the guy who
thinks nuclear power is unacceptably dangerous?"

"Hey, I was trapped in a
nuclear waste chamber that one time--"

"So, what? You'll have to
be cornered by zombies before you'll admit killing them is a good
idea? They're not even really alive--don't be so squeamish!"

"Okay. Suppose I do agree
we should kill the zombies. Velocizompires," MacGyver corrected
himself. "How do you think we should do that, apart from shooting
them?"

Teal'c had entered the
briefing room silently, unnoticed by the two strategists. "MacGyver,"
he said. "MajorCarter is ready for you."

"I'll be right there,
Teal'c. Coming, Jack?"

As the trio strode down the
corridors, Teal'c asked curiously, "Why were you discussing the
destruction of antique bicycles?"

Both men were used to the big
Jaffa's occasional misunderstandings of Earth culture. Neither one
burst out laughing at the question, though Jack blurted "What?"
at the same time MacGyver repeated "Antique bicycles?"

"Was not the velocizompire
an early form of two-wheeled transportation?"

"You're thinking of a
velocipede, Teal'c," MacGyver explained. "We were talking about
how to stop undead dinosaurs."

Teal'c still looked puzzled,
but he didn't ask about undead.

"Right," Jack said. "The
first line of defense, of course, is closing the iris. In a
worst-case scenario--"

"Wait, wait, wait,"
MacGyver interrupted. "This whole plan is based on velocizompires
coming through the Stargate?"

"Why not? Zombies were
originally a Goa'uld invention, after all."

"Teal'c, do you believe
that?"

"I do not know. However,
O'Neill has spent many hours discussing this possibility with
DanielJackson."

"In other words, trying to
convince him it's true?"

"In a worst-case scenario,"
Jack repeated firmly as they entered Carter's lab, "if the
velocizompires got out of the mountain, we could lure them to
Yellowstone and nuke it. The ones that survived the nuke would be
killed in the pyroclastic flow."

"Teal'c?" Carter gave
Teal'c her most mischievous smile. "Did these two run into any
trouble on the way here?"

"They did not." Teal'c
raised one eyebrow, observing Jack and MacGyver with a detached
interest. "Do they appear to you to have done so?"

"They're both talking like
MacGyver," Carter said.

"I am not!"

Still pretending to address
Teal'c, Carter asked, "Since when does the Colonel use terms like
pyroclastic flow?"

MacGyver considered for a
second--should he answer that question? Jack was a past master of
creative retribution. Still...

I know I'm right, he
decided. Even if he tells them my first name,the look on
his face'll be worth it. "I warned you about using big words,"
he told Jack. "People figure things out. How long have you known
how to knit, anyway?"

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