Carol Christmas is a folk singer born on December 25 and best known for her music, known as Christmas carols: She is not to be mistaken for Christmas Carole, the popular porn star from the 1930s. Christmas Carols are a popular pastime amongst the youth within Western society during the months around the festive season.

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Wreck the Halls (Performed by The Three Stooges)

Wreck the halls with bricks and hammers
Fa-la-la-la-la la-la-la-la
'cause we're so mad at the landlord
Fa-la-la-la-la la-la-la-la
Don we now our shrapnel jackets
Fa-la-la fa-la-la la-la-la
Get the weapons, let 'im have it
Fa-la-la-la-la la-la-la-la

Good King Wenceslas

Good King Wenceslas got drunk
At the feast of Stephen
In the snow he passed right out
Weak and cold and bleeding
Took him four weeks to thaw out
While he'd sneeze and shiver
So next time that he goes out
First he'll check the weather

I Saw Three Ships

I saw three ships catch fire and sink
On Christmas Day, on Christmas Day
I saw three ships catch fire and sink
On Christmas Day in the morning

It Came Upon the Midnight Plane

It came upon the midnight plane
That glorious pile of mold
It was my luggage years ago
They lost it I was told
"Twice 'round the earth, once to Iran,
From heaven to Témiskaming"
The world in solemn stillness lay
To watch this airline thing

Twas the Night Before Christmas (Not a Christmas Carol)

Twas the night before Bozic and all through the kuca,
the air smelled of spicy sarma and rakija vruca.
By the dimnjak the slapice were hung kinda krivo,
In hopes that Sveti Nikola would soon bring me some pivo.
Tata was in his soba and he was snoring pretty hard,
I guess he was tired from stealing the tree from my neighbor's backyard.
Mama was in the basement cooking like a fool,
Adding just the right amount of Vegeta to the juha and fazol.
When out on the lawn there arose such galama,
Tata yelled from his room "Pa, koji je cvijet vama!"
There was a knocking on the front door with such a loud barrage,
I yelled through the window "This is a Croatian house...come in through
the garage!"
And standing in the garage right next to my car,
Was my drunk Tece Joza coming home from the bar.
"Ajde, odi spavat," I told him with might,
Ain't nobody gonna ruin my chances of seeing Sveti Nikola tonight.
About two hours later I heard a noise downstairs,
So I jumped from my krevet to see who was there.
Standing by the tree and eating some leftover pizza,
Was good 'ol Sveti Nikola reeking of homemade sljivovica!
He was all dressed in red and big as an ox,
And wore some brown sandale along with black socks.
Smelling like a gypsy that's been drinking for days,
He wasn't what I expected...I was actually amazed.
"U pizdu mater, kako mrzim ovaj posao," he said,
And then I think he muttered something about his wife and how he wished
she was dead.
He put the presents under the tree while whistling a Christmas beat,
They were all wrapped up kinda shitty with the paper bags from Ottawa
Street.12 carape for me and 12 for my brother,3 pairs of gace for my dad
and a can of turska kava for my mother.
This Croatian Santa was crooked...he was nothing like the fable,
I should of known it when he swiped my pack of smokes from the table.
I yelled "Hey!" as Sveti Nikola turned around like a car,
Throwing his slapa at me as if it were a ninja star.
The look in his eyes was nothing but fright,
He said "Jebo ti pas mater" and dashed out of sight.
Up through the dimnjak I heard a loud shriek,
Sveti Nikola had just farted like some wild bik.
He got in his kaput, made for hladne zime, And he yelled at his jelene,
ime po ime. "Naprijed Marko i Darko, Petar i Ante,"\ "Ajde Josip i
Nenad, Ivo i Mate..."
And then he yelled, "Ajdemo brzo, moramo poc,"
This will be one jeBena noć

O Christmas Tree

O Christmas tree, O Christmas tree
In flames we see your branches
They were so green not long ago
I put that candle much too close
O Christmas tree, O Christmas tree
In flames we see your branches

We Three Kings

We three kings of Orient are
Smuggling drugs we travelled afar
Cops we trusted, we got busted
Now we are behind bars
O...bread and water, chains at night
Guards that think we're not too bright
Hostile lawyers start proceedings
Now we'll never see daylight

Hey Santa Claus you cunt where's me fucking bike

(male voice, young child)

Hey Santa claus you cunt!
Where's me fucking bike?
I've unwrapped all this other junk and there's nothing that I like.
I wrote you a fucking letter and I come to see you twice
Ya worn out geriatric bastard, you forgot me fucking bike
If I wanted a pair of bloody thongs, I'd have bloody asked
and this cowboy suit and ping pong set you can shove right up your arse!
You've stuffed me bloody order up, It's enough to make you spew
and I'm not the only one who's snakey Me sisters dirty too!

Next time I come to see ya, I'm gonna punch you in the guts
and I'll let your fucking reihndeer to go and kick Rudolf in the nuts!
You just wait 'till next year, when you go back to that store
and me and me little sister, come stomping through the door
and we'll say, yeah you wait for it
Hey mums and dads you smell his breath and check his bloodshot eyes
And don't listen to him boys and girls 'cause he tells fucking lies
He's just a piss tank and a pervert, and he's not even very bright
Cause the old fucking wanker Forgot me fucking bike
You wait you old cunt, I'm gonna dob you in. Tell me old man on you an he'll punch your fucking lights out
I saw mummy sucking santa clause

Jingle Bells

Crashing through the rail
In a one horse open sleigh
O'er the cliff we go
Shreiking all the way
Bells and sirens ring
Marking where we crashed
They put us in intensive care
They don't think we will last
Jingle bells, funeral bells, ringing all the way
Oh what fools we were to ride in that one horse open sleigh
Jingle bells, funeral bells, ringing all the way
Oh what fools we were to ride in that one horse open sleigh

Jingle Bells, Unitels
Sprints and MCIs
They say they want to save us bucks
We think it's all a lieTaco Bells, Unitels
All a waste of time
We really doubt that we'll get through
I guess we'll have to try

Silent Night

Silent night, darkened night
All is dark, nothing's bright
Power comp'ny went out on strikeNo one's going to turn on the lights
Sit in darkness and freeze
Sit in darkness and freeze

Silent night, welfare night
All are sloshed, all are tight
Ain't no virgins, just winos and thieves
Fast asleep in a heap of debris
Sleep in darkness and freeze
Sleep in darkness and freeze

Violent Night (traditional Viking carol)

Violent night, gory night
All is loud, blood runs bright
Swords and axes through the air weave
Shields splintered and heads that they cleave
Death and slaughter across the field
Corpses whose flesh has been peeled

Tidings of Slaughter and Gore

God bless thee, bloodthirsty Norsemen, we know you're here to slay
If we give you all of our gold will you then go away?
Please don't wave that battle-axe so high for we don't want to die
So thank you for bringing tidings of gore, slaughter and gore
So thank you for bringing tidings of gore

White Christmas

I'm dreaming of a white Christmas
Just like the ones I used to know
Where the 8-balls glisten
and dealers listen
to hear cop cars in the snow
I'm dreaming of a white Christmas
With all the coke I used to snort
May your dope be powdered and white
And make all your cocaine deals at night

Joy to the World

Joy to the world, the school burned down
And all the teachers died
And the principal is hanging from the flagpole
With a rope around his neck
With a rope around his neck
A rope, a rope, around his neck
Joy to the world, the school burned down
And all the homework's fried
And the late slips burst into flames
'Cause we poured gas on them
'Cause we poured gas on them
We poured, we poured some gas on them

City Sidewalks

(to the tune of Silver Bells)
City sidewalks, slippery sidewalks
Packed in holiday style
In the shops there's a feeling of sickness
Children whining, people crying
Trudging mile after mile
Soon it will be Christmas day
Taco bells, junk food smells
Now there's a feeling of sickness
Chargex bills, fill their tills
When will it be Christmas day?

Staggerin' in a Winter Wonderland

Dish out lines, I am listening
Chug the booze, snow is glistening
It's cold, that's alright
I'll get some tonightStaggerin' in a winter wonderland
In the meadow I will build a snowman
And pretend that he's my Uncle Pop
He'll ask are you drunk yet, I'll say no man
But I will soon be if I don't stop
Later on, I'll perspire
Before I puke in the fire
And face unafraid the mess that I've made
Staggerin' in a winter wonderland

Winter Wonderland

The following version first appeared in the popular Christmas movie, Howard Johnson's:

In the winter we can build a snowman,
then some kids 'll come and kick it down,
we'll ask 'em if they did it, they'll say "no man",
then we'll rub their faces in the ground.

Then we'll sit, and perspire,
as we set their coats on fire,
and we'll make 'em walk home,
when it's twenty below...

Walking through a winter wonderland !

Chipmunks Roasting on an Open Fire

Chipmunks roasting on an open fire
Cocaine eating out your nose
Yuletide priests feeling up the whole choir
and cops dressed up like big caposEverybody knows the turkeys brought some mistletoe
Because they can't get laid tonight
Although it's been said many times, all you finks
Merry Christmas, you stink!

We Wish You Would Shut the Fuck Up

This song discusses the feelings of the world at large on most Christmas carols. Its views are reflected by Christians and Atheists alike. Anyone under the age of sixty despises Christmas carols with a passion. If you are not religious, then you should be spending your time getting shitfaced and partying (or, if you're a Christian, listening to real Christian music like Hillsong). The lyrics follow.

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee wish you would shut the fuck up,
we wish you would shut the fuck up,
we wish you would shut the fuck up,
and write some new songs.

Good silence to you, wherever you are
We wish you'd shoot the Carolers,
and give us some rest.

We wish you would shut the fuck up,
we wish you would shut the fuck up,
we wish you would shut the fuck up,
and wriiite sooooooome neeeeeeeeeeeew sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooongs.