I’m 25 years old. My girlfriend and I got together when I was 18. We’ve been together for a while and for the first 3 or 4 years of the relationship I’d never been deceitful.

I did it one time when on holiday with my friends, and since then it’s been a downward spiral regarding my infidelity.

I speak to people older and regarding life more experienced than myself, and they give the spiel about being young and enjoying your life and things happen and almost tell me I should accept that I’m going to experience these things. I agree, but I don’t want that to be at the expense of my girlfriend who I do love and can’t picture my future without her. The house. The kids. Building success together.

Of the girls, I’ve slept with during the relationship at no point have I had feelings for and 95% of the time has been fuelled through drunken nights with the boys, but It’s not right. Society now makes a lot of people think that cheating is a normal process and like me, a lot of us choose to believe this to excuse our deceit but deep down we know it’s not right.

She’s never really known about any of this (touch wood), and neither do I want her to because I would hate to hurt her because I’m sure she loves me. I’m young and over the past few years through occupation and my success it has thrust me into a lifestyle and circle that means people acknowledge my “status” in society and my financial status so with this I’m always in environments where the temptation is enormous. I want to be better, and I want to make a change. I want to give my girlfriend the best version of me, and surely me cheating isn’t that?

It’s driven me to write on this forum and seek advice opposed to speaking to friends that only condone what I do and try to reassure me that it’s normal what I do. Surely even what I’m doing now In seeking change has to count for something? I’ve been so close to confessing to my girlfriend plenty of times about all my deeds but I can never do it but it would break my heart to break hers but then again is that also me being selfish. I need advice from unbiased people and of no affiliation to me. Can anyone help me?

Your friends condone your behavior because they think the same way as pretty much 99.999% of all blokes out there feel too (including me). You’re right that writing here counts for something and you should be proud of the courage to realize that there is an issue.

But you suggested that you don’t want to lose her, hence why you’re not telling her. Personally, I think you’re writing here because you know deep down that you’re abusing her emotionally, and if so, you’d be right. You’re abusing her because you are taking an innocent person and turning them into a slave of unknownness, or a slab of meat as I’ve heard elsewhere.

That is not to say that you are a bad person. Your libido has gotten the better of you, and you lost control (lust is a drug).

So how to get out of this?

Well, another person wrote in a similar forum, that she ‘caught’ her boyfriend doing the same thing, and despite her sticking with him she felt dirty. If this is what she says, then perhaps this is how you are making your girlfriend feel too (just unconsciously, as she just doesn’t know it yet). Only when you come clean with her about your affairs, then, at first she’ll consciously feel dirty as to how she’s been treated, but at least you’ll now give her the opportunity to cleanse herself from this stuff you’ve created. This will be either1) accepting the situation and going along with it.

2) sticking with you and helping you out.

3) loving you but leaving to regain her own strength and trust in herself. (the longer you leave it to tell her, the less trust she’ll have in herself)

If you come clean with her (and by doing this you are partly cleansing yourself). Hopefully, there’ll be a greater chance that she’ll choose option 2). The question now is, is she worth lying to and worth fighting for your own happiness, or is she worth fighting for, for the sake of her own happiness? (What is your definition of love?)

I do hope it works out well for both of you (whether together or not).