Humour: Broken Hearts of Fabuloss

Moshisha, you too why do you have to raise the bar so high to standards like cars, rent, and other ‘serious’ assets when some of us spend only GHC30 and we are good to go? Just see what you have done! Now some of my ‘these things’ have started asking for car engines and plots of land! Why, ern, Madam, I say why? Hmmm! I greet you o, my script advisor, Stephen Korlettey of GCB Bank, Adabraka.

I am still wondering why almost all the people I attended school with who had the name ‘Wisdom’ were almost always last in class especially when the names were arranged in alphabetical order. I am talking about Wisdom Kashi back in Anunmle o, not you in case you are called Wisdom. Dude was so ‘sharp’. In one of our class lessons, each member of the whole class was to give the name of any known tree. Kwakwe raised his hand, ‘Sir, mango tree’. ‘Correct, sit down’. Akapanga raised his hand: ‘Sir, dawadawa tree’. ‘Correct. Sit down…clap for in…kpa kpa…kpakpa kpa…kpaaaaaa! Vokuyibor raised his hand ‘Sir, nim tree’.

On and on it went till they got to Wisdom Kashi and I was sure all the trees might have finished by the time it got to his turn! ‘Yes, Wisdom’, asked Teacher Amama Seppt. ‘Yoryi tree’, answered Wisdom Kashi. The beatings that followed thereafter er. He didn’t even wait for the beating to end; he jumped through the window and ended his education right there and then! This will only happen in cyto. I don’t blame him. That useless canker called Poverty is the cause though not an excuse. You think a pupil in Christ the King will not know that the English name for yoryi is ‘black berry’ and that its tree is black berry tree?

Herh, herh, Korshivi, stop calling me now la. I am busily writing nonfa right now. Call me in the evening pls. Who said I didn’t know the scientific name for yoryi is ‘velvet tamarind’? Who said I am interested in that tamarind? The thing is yoryi, that’s all! Is it bcos you attended Morning Starr and you want to harass my Anunmle background early this morning? ‘Too known boy! You no know say cyto sweet pass Montessori? It is only at cyto that you would get to know that the lion’s tail is in its head. As we rhyme: ‘A lion, lion, a lion has a tail (and then we hold the head)…it has a big head (and then we hold the waist)…and a very small waist (then we hold the tail). Ao! Poverty, poverty, poverty! Duie! Hmmm. God has been faithful!

Can you imagine a situation where a friend is owing you money; the due date is passed. You call him on phone to say ‘Hello’ in a subtle manner just to remind him of his indebtedness to you and he starts talking about Liverpool and AS Roma? Ah! This thing happened to me again last Wednesday after the AS Roma lost 2-5 to Liverpool o! I was at the stadium on TV! Kai!

I used to like going to the stadium o. Have you ever found yourself at the wrong side of the stadium? Some time ago, Kotoko was playing Liberty Professionals and I decided to go to stadium to do ‘against’. I regretted. I was in the midst of some ‘red devils’ supporters when Kotoko scored the first goal and all the guys around me screamed ‘goooaaalllllllllll’! I was the only one who didn’t celebrate this goal. Apparently they were observing me through my body language and could sense I was a fan of the only club that starts a sentence with past tense…’arose…arose…arose’ – the Masters! (Don’t worry, now we don’t even know whether we are servants mpo!) Then Liberty equalized and instinctively, I shouted ‘gooooaaaaalll’. Before I could even finish this, I heard a slap and a knock on my head ‘kpaaaaaa’. Beatings be what! I turned round and saw nobody. Kpaa Kpaa! Hahaaaa!

I swallowed my excitement and kept quiet o. Eish! In less than 2 minutes, Liberty scored again and this time I suppressed my excitement. Quietly, I walked out of the place and covered my joy with coughing. Somebody still saw this coughing as another form of jubilation and, with a half-empty water bottle, my back ‘kpaaaaa’! Next time, when you go to the stadium and you make your ‘enemy’s enemy your friend, be careful where you sit. Even if you happen to find yourself at the wrong place, keep quiet!

Anyway, so what are we going to do about Hearts and Kotoko? BoG and GCB, abeg position yourselves strategically for a take-over of these 2 clubs to save our local soccer. This time it may not necessarily be about money but how to turn things around for the better. We Ghanaians also have a responsibility to balance our preference for both local and international football. Gone are the days when we supported clubs bcos of the players. One waited impatiently for Sunday to come so you could go and watch Shamo Quaye scoring against Adjetey Lee’s Ho Voradep and Joe Debrah scoring against Joe Famiyeh’s Afienya United. Local soccer was just sweet! Ask me about a player in Hearts and Kotoko today or in the past 10 years and I know you know I can’t give you one and you know I know you can’t give me one! Our premier league has become like P.E on the time table of basic schools. The national attention has turned to Man U, Woman U even for those who have never stepped at KIA!

Even my 5-year old can jump up from bed and start analysing Lukaku’s free-kick and Messi’s penalty kicks. Ask him about Hearts and Kotoko and he would wonder in awe as if to ask whether you were referring to some Asafo companies! Who cause am? Or we should blame somebody? I am so sad. In the past ten years, you would no longer (emphasis mine) see the flags of the two former local giants flying on top of trotros travelling from Aflao to Elubo and from Gbogblo City (aka Agbogbloshie) to Bawku! Nobody is interested! What happened? There is no single play maker of these two clubs. For the other clubs, forgerit!

The passion with which we used to support this clubs, gone! We thought the Black Stars were a shoulder to rest our heads on and they too…puin!

Here lies the irony especially when I see the snake which is complaining about waist pains also surprised when it hears the crab is also complaining about headache! We spend time crying bcos Arsenal has been losing yet we are not particularly bothered any more if our own Hearts and Kotoko are sinking. Local soccer is not getting corporate support yet we are always here shouting, Chelsea, Man U, whine whine Roma, Liver something….and Bundesliga (my favorite club). It appears justifiable to argue that the quality of our football is low hence the support for foreign soccer. Do we think the quality of European soccer will be of its superior quality if they were not getting sponsorship or if people refuse to go to the stadium to cheer their clubs up and pay gate fees? Some of the best talents also are in a hurry to go abroad and be benched. Where is Korku Abangah? Lets transform our soccer which gave us that climax at the end of a game: ‘killer baa gbo last show’!

I greet you o, Korshi Yantekyi. I saw you with the President on Wednesday when the name of UPSA was being changed to Nana Opoku Ampomah University.

Did you know that there are two renowned Professors in West Africa who have the same surname? And that they are both politicians and academicians? One is a Member of Parliament of Osun State, Nigeria called Prof. Mojied Alabi and the other one is a Ghanaian called Prof J Alabi, a former don of UPAS. You too go and do some research small wai!

Please go to the stadium this Sunday in Kumasi. Kotoko and Hearts are clashing again. I am sure you are asking which of the stadia? I don’t really mind who wins; all I want is good football though I wish Phobia wins. There is no Ghana soccer without these two clubs; let’s support them and stop that Man U, Girl U massive support! Why? You go London before? Don’t waste my time! Phooooobulous! Let’s shout again, locally!