ALL OVER THE PLANET– Almost a week has passed since the Earth Hour ended, and humans around the world breathed a sigh of relief as they were free to fuck the world’s environment once again.

“OMG, I’m glad that hour’s over,” said Michael Johnson, 47, a vice president of an manufacturing firm based in the US. “It was such a pain in the ass refraining from doing anything destructive and selfish during that stupid hour. But now that we’re all back to normal, I’m happy to be spending energy needlessly, throwing away household waste indiscriminately and generally being a prick with the planet,” he continued, while adding that his chemical and manufacturing plants will be stepping up its factory operations in Asia and Africa despite slow demand for their products, simply to spend as much energy as possible and release as much pollutants into the air and water as they can.

Kim Jong Moon, 56, a businessman in South Korea shared the same sentiment. “I know we were only supposed to observe Earth Hour by turning off non-essential lights and also unplug unnecessary electrical items, but my friends and I decided to go a little further by cutting our water and gas usage for the entire hour, you know, to make a bigger impact for our beloved planet.

“But now that the hour’s over, we can all go back to fucking the planet in its behind without guilt,” he continued, as he switched on all the available lights, electrical equipments, the engines of his gas-guzzling hot rods and pushed his apartment heater to max temperature.

Earth Hour was celebrated on March 26 between 8.30pm to 9.30pm as a symbol of energy conservation, as part of a global movement to save the planet from destruction caused by the overconsumerism of its resources. Participants observing the event, from individuals to corporations and governments, switched off non-essential lights and equipment for the hour.

“Seriously, it was like abstaining on your wedding night,” Kim continued, straining his voice trying to speak over the sound of all the faucets in the apartment turned on at full blast. “It was a real bitch trying to make Earth happy, we had to sacrifice so much to make Earth Hour work. Fortunately this stupid thing’s only an hour a year. I’d be going nuts if some smartass decides to turn it into Earth Day, Earth Week or whatever. Fuck that.

“In fact, the guys and I are heading up to the park later to make a giant bonfire just to make up for whatever positive impact the hour had achieved. We’re burning wood and whatever garbage we find around there. I personally hope to find some old tyres — they make the blackest smoke,” he said, giggling. “And all my facebook friends around the world are doing the same. It’s heartwarming to see a global movement to finish off the planet in a concerted effort.”

Another human in Germany, who wanted to be known only as Sarah K, 34, said that it was every human’s civic duty to be themselves and help Earth continue the downward spiral towards imminent doom. “During Earth Hour, I personally stopped burning shit into the air, you know? I even refrained from buying some illegally poached elephant tusk-ornament for my living room. It was just painful to see it online but not buy it.

“But now that that nonsense hour has passed, I advocate my fellow humans around the world, all 7 billion of us, to go back to being the selfish assholes we’ve been the rest of the year. Spend energy and all the resources like they aint’ never gonna deplete — after all, Earth is a big-ass planet. There’s more than enough to go around. In fact, I’m getting the tusk AND an endangered tiger penis. I hear it’s good for health. Checkout counter girl asks me ‘Paper or plastic’ at the supermarket? Give me paper AND plastic! And triple-bag it, biotch!

“Hell, nobody lives forever, man,” she continued as she poured spent cooking oil down the sink. “So the world will be a mass heap of crap in two or three decades? That’s the next generation’s problem.

“My kids have been having an easy life anyway, spoilt by the Xbox, Wii and other crap. Might as well give them a bit of challenge.”

4 responses to “Humans glad to be back to ramming Earth’s behind”

Haish. Some dumbass wrote into the Straits Times (Singapore’s, not NST) to complain that they went to Marina Barrage with their family to celebrate Earth Day yet they could see lots of surrounding buildings with the lights still on. Wonder if it occurred to them that they probably wasted more energy going downtown than was saved by turning a few lightbulbs off!

The most hypocritical thing is shopping malls which encourage consumption and luxury sponsoring Earth Day events. #fail