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Author
Topic: Taking Time Away (Read 14218 times)

Since my other thread was locked down before I could read what was in it, I'm starting this thread. I intentionally did not look at my own thread yesterday, because I had a feeling I would get some smart ass responses. I didn't want to get upset, so I avoided the thread. I was tipped off by a member that this assault had occurred. It seems the most innocuous threads turn so hateful and fast.

I have never felt so hurt as I do now. It is really a shame. I think there is really this Them vs Us mentality here. Anyone who is newly diagnosed or hasn't had all the problems as other members have their issues and concerns discounted by some very vocal members. This "get some fucking help man" shit is really hilarious. First, I guess this means everyone should just be A-ok with this virus within about a month of dx? 6 months? A year? Complain about something after that, then you have some mental problems? I'm amazed how anyone can come to terms and move on knowing you will die without treatment. That even with treatment, you read story after story how HIV is probably gonna cause this, this, oh, and that. Seeing in the short time I've been here, at least 3 members die. I'm surprised I've done as well as I have. So, I really am amazed how so many are able to deal with that, put it away, and move on. It is amazing how strong the body and mind are often times. But, I wasn't posting that I'm currently so worried about thrush or asking questions like, "Do you guys think this is thrush? I really think I have thrush. It must be thrush." I actually made fun of myself for briefly going to that place thinking it was. My partner and I even had a good laugh that I got so worked up over it, when it turned out to be a mint. A fucking mint. I was embarrassed. And, from the pix I've seen, it didn't look all that much different. I'm still learning about all this and finding my way. I would think many would have worries even 5 years post dx. This all happened within a period of about an hour--from seeing it in the mirror to realizing I was very mistaken. It isn't like I went into some great depression over it. It happened last weekend and I didn't even mention it until early Thursday morning.

I'm not sure what the posting guidelines here are anymore. I decided to post it in order to possibly help others (especially people newly dx'd) to not freak out over things until they know what it is. That is why I entitled it, "Things Aren't Always As They Seem." I felt this experience could possibly help someone else. About my "constant postings about one imagined health issue after another", I have no idea what that is about. Sure, when I first joined this group, I posted things about my health. However, if you look at my posting history in Living With, most of my threads have been about things about HIV in the news, sharing clips about HIV being discussed on TV shows, etc. I think my last thread about me was about having a problem with my doctor. No, it was about joining a study about liver disease in people with HIV. That got few responses. I would have to look back at my own posting history, but I think it has been a long time, since I posted something about being worried about some health issue. When I first came here, I posted in the LTS forum. It was not closed to non LTS members then. Someone was having a liver transplant. I simply asked whether HIV caused the liver disease and the need for transplant. That was it! A very simple question. Besides being told I shouldn't post there, I got nasty comments about how "members don't have time to hold my hand." I think that was my first post, or either the first 3 posts. There was already an attitude against a newer member before that person had ever read anything I posted. I think this proves a attitude towards new or fairly new members of the HIV club. Some see others posts through a prejudiced lens.

I seem to remember comments about LTS members being coffin dodgers and a few other bad remarks. That was just dismissed by everyone as humor I suppose, because no one seemed to care about that. But, I'M being disrespectful to LTS'ers?? Many of the people who assaulted me just let that go. That was just humor, right? I think it is a little hypocritical. I even mentioned in my thread that there are members here going through some really serious shit. I was pointing out how silly my jumping to conclusions was compared to that. And, again, thinking it could help newer members. I think I've come a fucking long way in dealing with this. I think I spend more time in the Off Topic forum now than I do here.

But, it does come down to what newer members are "allowed" to post in your opinions before it is written off as some mental health problem or rubbish? Is it based on the CD4 count the person has? If it is over a certain number, should they just keep their mouths shut about things concerning them? Should you only post about health issues, if the CD4 is around the AIDS level? I thought the LTS members had their own forum that they rightly fought for as their own where they could discuss really serious issues and not be bothered by these much less serious ones. Does the Living With forum now have those same posting guidelines? I'm in no way suggesting LTS members shouldn't give their very valuable and needed input, but it seems Living is becoming an extention of the LTS forum. Do you wait to post about something much less serious until every member is in good health? Suggesting that I was being insensitive to the hell Carl is going through really hurt the most.

Would the responses have been different if I said I was worried about having thrush and didn't say it was a mint? Would I have been attacked for wondering whether I had thrush? Would the responses have been, "No Ted, that is not thrush. You're okay." I think the responses would have been the same, "How dare you talk about your concerns, when so many here have bigger problems." It does seem to be that way. What if it really was thrush, would that have changed things? Or, still not at the level of seriousness that others are going through? If you get PCP, then some will say, "Well, you haven't had PCP and CMV at the same time." I can hear the responses now. "No, Ted, this is due to your constant thinking that something is wrong with you." I say, show me current threads where I've been biting my nails wondering whether I've got this or that, or whether I'm going to die from this or that." In fact, I think the last time I posted something wondering what it is was last summer when I got a fungal infection around my mouth. I posted a pic at that time, too. Almost ONE year ago. Miss P will sure to bring up all my posts. I think the ones after that were posting about my latest labs. But, I even stopped doing that even before being attacked for my signature line being too self-indulgent. I had to be scolded for double spacing. Really? Instead of saying it nicely that my sig line was too long, it was said in an abrasive way. Why? Like I said, I think my last posts about me were issues with my doctor. The other one was about being in the liver study. And, I still say this one was NOT all nail biting wondering whether you guys thought I had something awful and was going to die. Again, I was making fun of myself for going there in an attempt to possibly help others. Can't stress that enough. Some thought it was thrush. There were few responses about the fungal infection on my arm---but I wasn't soliciting info on that. I just bring it up, because what if I asked about the fungal infection on my arm? Would I have been attacked for mentioning it and asking what it means it terms of immune health? Would I be told to see a therapist? And, that is another thing. The tone when you say to get help (as it comes off in text) sounds sooo disrespectful and like I have some huge mental problem. That sounded like something you'd say to someone who likes to have sex with their dad. "Get some help, man." I really deserve that for what I posted?

So, I'm not sure what to do here. I will be the first to admit that I still have a long way to go in coming to terms with this virus. My therapist said I have PTSD from getting so sick that I was gasping for breath, turning blue, and had to be rushed to the ER. And, being dx'd with AIDS in the hospital and told I would have died if I hadn't been able to make it to the hospital when I did. That will fuck with your mind. And, I know many here have very similar stories and much, much, much worse. But, I have come a long, long way since then. I only bring up the PTSD stuff in case a newer member is wondering whether I've just been in total awesome health, never had a worry in the world about HIV, and worry for no good reason. I will just say once more that my posting history has been grossly misrepresented. I purposely curbed talking about having pneumonia in the hospital. I began to refer to it "as being sick that time" and then would only mention it when someone was talking about pneumonia. I've seen how others are made fun of for talking about issues in their life more than a couple times. But, each thread is a new thread with new members, but whatever. I hope to get to where many here are where they don't give HIV much thought at all, don't have anxiety about any of it, and are in peace about it. Again, I've come a long way getting there. I will just say it is so disrespectful to tell someone they aren't totally at peace with this virus within a certain time-frame. When did HIV become like dealing with being told you have a swollen prostate? I thought this is something that takes a long time for many to come to terms with. What is the purpose of Living With? What things should be discussed there? Research has its place. LTS members have their place. Newly dx'd have their place. What should Living With be about? Learning you've had sex with the HR person? I have no clue who even posted that at this point, so I apologize for singling you out whoever you are. I enjoyed that post actually.

I've enjoyed my time here--at least 90% of the time. I have come to like many members here--even the ones I've criticized. I will just say if you thought a member had an anxiety issue, how would hateful remarks help matters? Tough love? Members who had issues could have ignored the thread or said something more constructive in a friendly manner. I just don't understand the need to go off on someone--especially in a very innocuous thread where I didn't say anything hateful, mean, or disrespectful. Is because I just ain't had it as bad as others? I just don't understand it. And, we know it isn't just me. Thread after thread gets locked down here due to some who just seem to look for fights. It seems some are just waiting to pounce on something--like they get their kicks from arguments and throwing out slurs. Am I just too sheltered here in KY? I know New Yorkers and people from larger cities have the reputation of being more direct and abrasive. I'm just so dumbfounded tonight about all this. Is it about getting rid of all members, except for a certain clique? I'm just asking question here. I'm upset and hurt. For someone who was dealing with his anxiety issues fairly well, I'm going to have to break out the Xanax that I put away because I didn't think I needed anymore because I was doing much better. But apparently, I'm a nutcase.

So, I'm not saying I'm leaving for good and taking my toys and going home. I'm sure many here wouldn't care one way or another. I will find it very extremely difficult to ever participate in the Living With forum again. It seems apparent that unless you've lost several loved ones to AIDS or had a lot of hell in your life (and I say that with all the respect in the world), then you have no idea what it is like to have HIV and your responses are not valued. Members here have made their feelings KNOWN. I think that feeling is "Ted (or put the name in the blank)has no idea what it is like to have HIV and he's got serious mental issues". Or something like that. But, again, I don't want to confuse my own point. I had one brief anxiety issue over thinking I had thrush. I stated how silly I felt. I said others have way bigger problems. I even said how I'm in good health and actually getting chunky. How that translates into I think I'm in poor health, I have so many health problems, etc, etc, I'll never know. Or, was that the problem? I do believe there is this perception of me that nothing could be wrong with me, because I'm not on meds yet after all. I don't even know what it is like to be on meds, so how dare I talk about HIV stuff? I thought this was suppose to be a safe place for everyone to talk about things. Of course one member's fungal infection isn't going to compare to someone being in the hospital for several months. Are their experiences discounted and not valid? It does remind me of people who are hungry here and people saying until you've lived in Africa, you have no idea what hunger is. They are still hungry even if they aren't literally starving to death. I'll check my mail here, if anyone wants to clue me in. I'll take some time away, think about things, and hope I don't regret anything I said out of hurt and anger.

First off, sorry to read that your feelings have been hurt so badly and I hope that you would not bail out of here forever (not that you said you would). The forums are open to individuals who have many different experiences and views; therefore, the responses posted will range from supportive to speculative. Your doctor will be able to take one quick look and determine if you have thrush or not and should be able to give you a definitive answer regarding that.

If you must, take a break and re-group. The important thing is this: if you have health concerns, use the forums only as an information supplement. I dont know your posting history here so I really cant comment on that aspect of your post.

Let me admit I only skimmed your post but I get the jist of it. I think you're trying to paint a false narrative of the old canard of "us versus them." If you look back through that thread you'll see very few LTS even participated. Some supporting you, others not so much. In my humble opinion if you had taken the opportunity to be a bit self effacing and posted this in Off Topic I doubt it would have blown up. That said, you have the freedom to post what you want and people have the freedom to respond.

I hope you hang around with your views. It's important as a member with only three years of being positive to have everyone views to read. I for one don't always know what questions to ask my ID doctor but things I read on here help me to understand some of the medical questions and problem that come up. We should respect each other on here living with hiv.

I understand you're concern and feelings. I myself have anxiety about posting anything here for the fear of being attacked, so I mostly just use the site for information and it gives me something to browse thru when I'm surfing the net. Most folks are pretty nice, but i Know some like to be confrontational it just seems to be in their nature I guess. I will respond to a post once in a while and usually on pins and needles waiting for someone to give me a bad response, so I feel ya.

Amen sista! I could post that the sky is blue and still receive posts telling me how wrong I am. The thing is, being "newly diagnosed" you (and I) are more likely to have questions or ask about experiences because we havent had them or are nervous or curious.

Lets have a new forum for people diagnosed after the year 2000. Restricted participation of course. ..

Actually a forum of departure notes, temporarily or otherwise, could be a far more interesting read.. but either case a multi-paragraphs post that reads a thesis submission in Liberty University would likely to drive any sensible readers away anyway, methink.

Ted, I wish to apologize for referencing another members health in your original thread and trying to contrast that with the subject of your post. I was angry and feeling helpless regarding their health and I allowed myself to lash out at you and that was wrong and I sincerely apologize for any hurt that may have caused. I suppose having been a "coffin dodger" for so long, I sometimes forget what it was once like, after first becoming poz, when every sneeze or sniffle had me thinking I had one foot in the grave. The fact that HIV is a very different disease today, in terms of treatments, etc., does not diminish the mental toll that a positive diagnosis brings. If my comments seemed insensitive to your adjusting to your status, I apologize for the words, but not for the intent.

To me, from your posting history, you appear to be having a very difficult time adjusting to being poz. I get that and there is nothing wrong with it taking some time, however at some point, you need to come to some form of acceptance with your own infection. But when you reference me as someone promoting an "us vs. them" mentality or that I am "assaulting" you, by sharing my views, I realize there is nothing I can say to help you understand my intent.

Believe it or not, I really was trying to help you, because I know the damage that comes when we become so afraid of something that we are forced to live with and are unable to resolve that conflict. No matter what you decide, I hope you can see that you have many friends here. I wish you only the best.

I understand you're concern and feelings. I myself have anxiety about posting anything here for the fear of being attacked, so I mostly just use the site for information and it gives me something to browse thru when I'm surfing the net. Most folks are pretty nice, but i Know some like to be confrontational it just seems to be in their nature I guess. I will respond to a post once in a while and usually on pins and needles waiting for someone to give me a bad response, so I feel ya.

I hope you stick around though, I do enjoy you're threads.

mike

So on point. Thanks!

Logged

"He is my oldest child. The shy and retiring one over there with the Haitian headdress serving pescaíto frito."

I kinda understand. I mean, I was just recently diagnosed, and I know what it's like to be worried about every sneeze, every spot that shows up on you. I didn't bother anyone with these concerns because I knew I would be annoying, so the best thing I could do was read, read and read a bit more. Here and elsewhere. I knew people here were tired of answering the same kind of questions, or reading questions that are absurd.

Despite that, I see that the big majority of people, especially some LTS, are amazing people, the kind of people I would live to meet and talk, laugh and drink the night away with. I have seen one or two that act like they are special in this place, and that others, especially those newly diagnosed, don't have a say, since they know nothing. But I don't mind that, these people are just trying to feel good abot something. I, for once, got diagnosed recently, but I wasn't born to reality then, I had pretty good knowledge about HIV before, and I have much more now, reading and reading every now and then.

Regardless, I do think freaking out all the time about HIV is not good, and there is nothing wrong with doing therapy. It's actually quite good and that doesn't mean someone is "mentally ill". This forum, while it helps, can't substitute proper therapy with a shrink or psychiatrist.

1) When are you coming back? 2) I hope I didn't help cause the minimal time you haven't enjoyed here at AM; what was it, like 10%?

Then, I just wanted to tell you I've always thought of you as a kid brother. The one my momma and shitdad woulda had when I was 6 if all those all day long, behind locked door attempts hadn't failed. Anyways, that's me and this is s'posed to be about you kid.

I'd like to ask you Teddy, why haven't you spoke up like this for yourself before? In the post above you did everything right. Well, almost everything. The part where you're taking a break hits a raw nerve with me. Just like when others use it, however, don't worry; I'll be ok. Ted, think about, it was a handful of people that said anything necessarily uhhhh, unnecessary.(?)

I agree with many here who feel you should seek some therapy, Teddy. In spite of your goodhearted nature, it seems to frustrate some simply because you will not listen. Sometimes when these people get frustrated they act in ways that might just hurt your feelings. And, why this is- I don't know.

I agree with Joe, the part where he referenced another member(s) was a bit out of line; but, he apologized for it, so I have no further comment about that. Most of the others were telling you to get some help, and this has been said to you on many occasions, Theodore.

Dude, if you ain't gonna do it maybe you should lie about it, or at least grow a back bone and tell us to go screw ourselves. Hell, I don't know little brot... I mean, Teddy. And Another thing, before I forget-- put your labs back in your sig-line. Why would you let someone convince you that you're being "self-indulgent" by doing so? I mean really, whose more "self-indulgent" than she??

your advice has already been helpful. As a newbie I want to say thankyou. Don't let the actions of others control your actions. Sometimes a asshole is a asshole; has nothing to do with you. Each of our realities is real and we live with whats in our own head. For someone to undermind you is their way of making themselves feel better. Being direct is one thing rude is another. Join me and just say fuck em.

I understand you're concern and feelings. I myself have anxiety about posting anything here for the fear of being attacked, so I mostly just use the site for information and it gives me something to browse thru when I'm surfing the net. Most folks are pretty nice, but i Know some like to be confrontational it just seems to be in their nature I guess. I will respond to a post once in a while and usually on pins and needles waiting for someone to give me a bad response, so I feel ya.

Amen sista! I could post that the sky is blue and still receive posts telling me how wrong I am. The thing is, being "newly diagnosed" you (and I) are more likely to have questions or ask about experiences because we havent had them or are nervous or curious.

That just opens the door for some.

I cant wait to see what vitriole this thread unleashes. Let it begin.

Since the OP referenced the idea of "us vs. them" within the forums, I would like to understand why the above comments, are not propagating that very concept. I appreciate there can be friction in the forums and it is both natural and to be expected, given the subjects that we cover. I also know that people can misspeak, apologize and move on, but not in all members eyes. I cannot understand how getting strong direct criticism, is a form of abuse or an assault. It makes me wonder if anyone has actually been assaulted, because I have and it's nothing even close to what happens in this forum.

Since when did it become "abusive" to tell people the truth, particularly a truth they refuse to hear? I often read posts that at first glance, seem patently offensive, but usually, upon review I can understand what the poster is trying to convey, rather that looking for something to pick apart. If some of you, truly believe that anyone who speaks the truth to you, is somehow attacking you, then you are missing the true power of these forums.

It is very hard to remain supportive, when some members are simply looking for situations where they can swoop in and declare their outrage at something that had absolutely nothing to do with them.

Since when did it become "abusive" to tell people the truth, particularly a truth they refuse to hear? I often read posts that at first glance, seem patently offensive, but usually, upon review I can understand what the poster is trying to convey, rather that looking for something to pick apart. If some of you, truly believe that anyone who speaks the truth to you, is somehow attacking you, then you are missing the true power of these forums.

It is very hard to remain supportive, when some members are simply looking for situations where they can swoop in and declare their outrage at something that had absolutely nothing to do with them.

Killfolie, you are projecting a bit of your own challenge here. You can be rather quick with the trigger. You often express a sense of great offense only to later walk it back, to your credit, and apologize.

Logged

“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Since when did it become "abusive" to tell people the truth, particularly a truth they refuse to hear? I often read posts that at first glance, seem patently offensive, but usually, upon review I can understand what the poster is trying to convey, rather that looking for something to pick apart. If some of you, truly believe that anyone who speaks the truth to you, is somehow attacking you, then you are missing the true power of these forums.

It is very hard to remain supportive, when some members are simply looking for situations where they can swoop in and declare their outrage at something that had absolutely nothing to do with them.

Abusive doesn't refer to the message but how it is delivered or better yet how it is perceived. People don't have to rude or con densending because the act of helping then turns into a insult. One example of my own recently was when I asked if about with having a high CD4 count would stopping meds be a option. A few different responses were their are people who are dying and don't have access to meds and your wondering if you should quick, another I believe was you have your mind made up and only looking for justification, oh and then there was something to the extend of being called stupid. Where does that help when someone ask a question. Why the need to respond and be condescending. i thought we all are here for advice and support. I know that why I come here.

Honestly these forums personally have been a huge help and I have gotten more positive feed back than neg. With that said I see how the op can feel this way. i know I threw my two cents in because I have or better yet i have felt the way he does and i see a glimpse of what hes talking about

Killfolie, you are projecting a bit of your own challenge here. You can be rather quick with the trigger. You often express a sense of great offense only to later walk it back, to your credit, and apologize.

Rather than offer any response to my query, you decide to just slam me. Really nice way to further any understanding.

See it all goes to preception. There was no slamming at all man. You have offered nothing but support and kindness. I was just trying to say there are times when some respond to post it can be precieved as rude. I applogize now if I came across attacking you. It couldn't be more from the truth.

See it all goes to preception. There was no slamming at all man. You have offered nothing but support and kindness. I was just trying to say there are times when some respond to post it can be precieved as rude. I applogize now if I came across attacking you. It couldn't be more from the truth.

Rather than offer any response to my query, you decide to just slam me. Really nice way to further any understanding.

No Dear.

Ted expressed a feeling that some people take offense to his small queries by telling him there are much more serious problems to worry about.

You did this in his thread. Then later you walked it back and apologised. I said the apology is to your credit. I'm not a slamming you. Rather asking you to keep in mind your frequent "wise words" persona, which you just expressed, yet again.

I too have noticed you sometimes express great outrage, having been deeply offended by some posts. (As in, how trifling, such a concern. How insensitive to express it.) You have a right to that sense of outrage and offense but it occasionally runs hotter and faster than your stated willingness to step back and consider the poster's situation, not your own.

The advice to Ted to consider some help to further adjust to HIV is A OK advice.

Logged

“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

I've enjoyed all of your posts here. I don't recall you ever being rude to anyone.

Ignore the crap, it's always the same people anyway, they know who they are, and well , there's a pschycological term for people like that...something to do with self projection or something.... I wonder if they know how childish and petty they appear...probably not........ you know what I mean...

Well I tried to read the wall of text that is the OP. With only a modest degree of success, alas.

I did note references to someone using the term "coffin-dodgers" to refer to LTS members. That someone was your present interlocutor. That is, myself. Indeed I didn't just use the term, I believe I coined it.

Ted expressed a feeling that some people take offense to his small queries by telling him there are much more serious problems to worry about.

You did this in his thread. Then later you walked it back and apologised. I said the apology is to your credit. I'm not a slamming you. Rather asking you to keep in mind your frequent "wise words" persona, which you just expressed, yet again.

I too have noticed you sometimes express great outrage, having been deeply offended by some posts. (As in, how trifling, such a concern. How insensitive to express it.) You have a right to that sense of outrage and offense but it occasionally runs hotter and faster than your stated willingness to step back and consider the poster's situation, not your own.

The advice to Ted to consider some help to further adjust to HIV is A OK advice.

You're a real piece of work. Not content to just offer your support to the OP you chose to take the opportunity to needle Joe with a "gee, thanks for apologising, but I still think you're a dick" passive aggressive swipe. Followed by addressing Joe with your trademark condescending use of the word dear. Smarmy.

Well I tried to read the wall of text that is the OP. With only a modest degree of success, alas.

I did note references to someone using the term "coffin-dodgers" to refer to LTS members. That someone was your present interlocutor. That is, myself. Indeed I didn't just use the term, I believe I coined it.

I like Ted and despite his slightly hypochondriac behavior like him around here. I wish I could say the same for others.

I think (or would hope) that Ted will stay around - while he may not have liked reading some of the responses to his post (and he acknowledged, I believe, that had it been put in off topic it may not have gotten the same response), I think the majority of those responding were trying to be helpful - even if it was in a tough love type of way. Not all messages can be sugar coated (so is the nature of life). I also think that ted has contributed in a positive way to many other threads in the forums and is, for the most part, open to feedback - even when it is uncomfortable to hear.

The responses given were not (from what I could see) meant to harm him - but rather to assist him in moving to the next level. Personally, I think that if no one gave a shit about him as a person, his thread would have been met with the sound of crickets.

There is an old saying that a statement tends to hurt in proportion to its level of truth.

at any rate, ted is entitled to procede as he wishes - whether he stay around, take a break, or move on completely.