Online dating tips for men

I am not proclaiming to be any sort of an expert at online dating. In fact, I have a pretty disastrous track record, and seem to always attract the losers, boring intellectuals or just weirdos.

But, as a result, I have collected a useful number of examples of ‘what not to do’ over a period of time.

So, as a free service to the wider male community, I have compiled a list of online dating tips (for men, but I am pretty sure it applies to women too!)…

1. When you create your profile, type out your profile in word or something first, with spell check activated. Your dating profile is like an advertisement for yourself, and if the first thing I see is a spelling error, I am going to think you are stupid, whether you end up being a brain surgeon or not.

2. Do NOT do your write up about yourself in CAPS. If you’ve had your head in the sand for the last 20 years, let me indulge you with a little insight into online communication. Writing in caps, generally indicates that you are SHOUTING. So, just like you have learned to use LOL, you should also learn not to use caps, except when you are SHOUTING. (In a work situation, this could also explain why your work colleagues believe you are rude in emails.)

3. Believe me, ALL the guys are caring, compassionate, active, and likes to spoil the lady in their lives. Try and show me something that is quite uniquely you, like a sense of humour, a sense of adventure, a quirky taste in music. Anything other than the standard run of the mill profile.

4. Do not use your 11 pm, alcohol induced pick up lines on a dating website. It doesn’t work in a pub, and it certainly will not work when I am soberly reading your profile. Although, this one did make me smile…

“OK, I’m here. What are your other two wishes?”

5. Do not send me a message starting with “Hi Sugar, how are you” or “Hi Angel”.

6. Most normal women are looking for a well balanced man who has a life of his own. I really don’t want to know that you are desperate and lonely, even if you are…For example, this sort of opening message will not work.

“‘why do we have to be alone all the time, I am new on here, and live in Pretoria Gauteng, I would send you my picture and more about me later. why do we have to suffer the pains of holding the pillow and talking to the walls when there are lots of persons out there that needs to be loved and pampered , why do we stop believing in US and just want to be sad and alone all the time , i wrote you too much but did write from my heart. I wrote you all the those words cos i believe in true love and feel you are a woman that would want the same in a man and in family and in a home , tell me if you want anything less than a happy home where there will be love. Please do reply me back if you would would want to learn more about me.”

HELL NO!

7. Telling me after our first date that I have the potential to have a sexy body, is NOT a compliment. And when I tell you off for it, do not psycho-analyse me…(but then again, maybe I should have seen it as a warning sign when he suggested Tenpin bowling as a first date).

8. Asking me to Google a YouTube clip of you doing a promotional add for a supplier does not really impress me, unless you are either very HOT or show some exceptional skill, such as playing the saxophone or something!

9. Be careful with those Facebook profiles…commenting “nice butt” on a video clip of a girl with a AK47 may have seemed clever at the time, but certainly scares me away! And maybe joining a group on Facebook called ‘Stop Reverse Apartheid and BEE’ was not such a good idea after all.

10. And lastly, if I say I am not interested in married men, and even goes as far as making it a non-negotiable criteria, do not send me a message telling me you are looking for ‘a long term passionate, yet discreet affair and not a one night stand’. Non-negotiable means…erm…non-negotiable??