1,000 Women Tell Us: What They Want in Bed

We know what you're worried about in bed. Some men worry they won't last long enough. Others are afraid they're not big enough.

Women have plenty of insecurities in bed, too. Their weight, for one thing. And how long it takes them to reach orgasm.

How do we know all of this? We asked!

In our exclusive MensHealth.com poll, conducted in conjunction with NBC's Today show, we asked the, ah, hard questions. And men and women alike were open and honest.

What's the number-one takeaway from the poll? People are willing to talk. And if we talk, the sex will only get better.

Nearly every man and woman who took the online poll said they want to know if they're doing something wrong or could do something better.

Specifically: Eighty percent of men say they are "very open" to guidance from their partner, agreeing with the statement, "Whatever she wants, all she has to do is ask." An additional 17 percent say they're open to feedback "as long as she's nice about it."

That's 97 percent of us guys ready and willing to please her. (The other 3 percent either thought sex is better if you don't talk about or were supremely confident they know everything she likes.)

Women were more hesitant about taking suggestions, but only slightly: Fifty-seven percent said they were "very open" to advice, with 35 percent requiring the "as long as he's nice about it" condition.

Evidently, we have lots to talk about.

But let's start with our overall performance. When we asked men to rate their sexual skills on a scale of 1 to 10, 29 percent of men gave themselves a 7, while 40 percent said 8 or higher.

Even so, we may be too harsh on ourselves. When we asked women to rate their guy, 23 percent gave him a solid 8. And 54 percent rated him an 8 or higher.

And fully 16 percent of women described their man's bedroom skills as "awe-inspiring."

So far, so good. But let's move on to insecurities. Do you last long enough in bed?

When we asked men what they were most insecure about, fully 36 percent said it was premature ejaculation.

Asked, "Do you last long enough in bed?" only 23 percent of men said, "Always."

Some 52 percent of men answered, "Not all the time, but usually." Twenty percent admitted, "I struggle with it, but sometimes I'm fine," and 5 percent answered, "Nope, hardly ever."

So the obvious thing to do is to ask the women about this. Here's what we learned: Thirty-eight percent of women said he always lasts long enough; 43 percent said "not all the time, but usually"; 13 percent said he struggles with it, and 6.5 percent said he hardly ever lasts long enough.

Only 22 percent of women say his reaching orgasm too quickly is their number-one complaint.

His book, She Comes First, says one solution is to make sure she, well, reaches orgasm first, by hand or mouth if necessary. Interestingly, when women were asked for their top complaint, 22 percent said "more oral, please."

Next to premature ejaculation, men are most concerned that they don't measure up, which 17.6 percent of men listed as their number-one insecurity, followed closely by how long it takes to achieve another erection after sex (15.4 percent) and being unsure if she reaches orgasm (14.6 percent).

But male concerns don't match up perfectly with what women say they want. Their biggest complaint is—wait for it—not enough foreplay. Shocker, right? (Though a plurality of men, 34 percent, said foreplay was their best skill.)

Along those lines, 19 percent say, "He doesn't know how to touch me," and 26 percent complain of "the same moves, every time."

One woman noted, "He changes positions too frequently—just when I'm getting into it, telling him not to move, he moves."

One of our favorite and yet most troubling statistics came when we asked about the mistakes partners make in bed.

When we asked men, 29 percent said, "No mistakes, just wish we'd do it more." When asked women, 34 percent said, "No mistakes, just wish we'd do it more."

In other words, not getting enough is the top complaint of roughly a third of everyone who responded, and more women than men had this complaint.

So what do we do about this? We make the sex better, and that starts with offering suggestions.

Though large majorities say they're open to criticism, when we asked if they'd ever given their partner feedback, one in four of both sexes said they hadn't.

Why not? More than half the women responded that they didn't want to hurt our feelings. (Only 15 percent said, "There's nothing to improve," so let's not get cocky, guys.)

Among men, 39 percent were afraid of hurting her feelings.

It's time to get over that. Of the men who did give advice, 58 percent say it improved their sex life. Among women, two-thirds say he responded well and the sex got better.

Most people said the time to give advice was in the midst of the act, though many sex therapists suggest waiting until you're outside of the bedroom to discuss sexual matters—the choice of 35 percent of our respondents.

But enough negativity. What are men and women most proud of in the bedroom?

Besides the 34 percent of men who are most proud of their foreplay skills, one in three men say they're masters of oral sex. Twelve percent think their creativity in changing positions makes them special, and 10 percent are proudest of how long they last.

(But be careful, men: "My fiance is so overly concerned with my orgasm, it puts pressure on me to assure him I am satisfied," says one woman. "I climax very quietly, but I naturally laugh when I do. I don't know if he'd be convinced if I screamed with porn-star theatrics, but that would be so out of character for me.")

Here's what women are proudest of: Twenty-seven percent say, "I can get him excited no matter how tired he is," and 26.5 percent are proudest of their oral-sex skills. And 17 percent say their flexibility in changing positions is their strongest point.

One of our questions concerned sex toys. We asked women if they'd ever brought a vibrator into bed when he was there, and 37 percent said they had.

What was his reaction? Well, 63 percent thought it was, "Awesome, he loved my eagerness." And 31 percent were just okay with it, but got into it. Only 5 percent of guys didn't like the idea.

The male responses mirrored that, with 44 percent saying they'd love it if she brought a vibrator into the bed, and 42 percent cool with "whatever makes her happy."

Some 43 percent of women said they owned a vibrator, but never brought it out when he was around because they'd feel embarrassed (15 percent), worried their guy would be insulted (11 percent), or they said it's for her "alone time" (17 percent).

"I went to a pleasure party and got a few foreplay items so I get as excited as him," said one woman. "Sometimes he gets too excited and gets off but we keep at it and he is hard in no time and we go for a long, long time. Then it's fine for me."

Which is a good attitude. We were encouraged to see responses like this:

"My guy is very informed and goes out of his way to please me in every way possible, and some I never thought possible," said one woman. "He is a gentleman and an animal at the same time."

And then there'd be a response like this: "I would like to know what he likes."

There's only one way to find out: Ask!

To that end, here are four tips that work for men or women:

Make feedback sexy, not strained Improving your sex life doesn't have to mean a stilted discussion. The change can come from in-the-throes encouragement rather than pointing out flaws. Show how you'd like to be touched by grazing his or her body gently with your fingers rather than grabbing. Moaning, increased urgency, and verbal enthusiasm will let your partner know what turns you on, while gentle redirection with hand or body position will show what doesn't.

Prolong foreplay Foreplay should be a progression, not a sprint. Watching a sexy movie together, flirting over a romantic meal, whispering compliments in the midst of a crowded party, or cooking breakfast together can all be a prelude to more connected sex. Slow-burning foreplay isn't only better for you: Longer foreplay helps men synchronize with their partners, giving them better control over ejaculation.

Get the timing right Most couples fall into a rut of having sex at bedtime, but the workweek is the worst time for rock-the-firmament lovemaking. In a separate survey, 64 percent of men said that exhaustion, stress, and packed schedules are the three biggest sex blockers, and women cite being "too tired" as their number one turn-off. So switch up your regular schedule: Order dinner in after a stressful day and canoodle while you wait, or indulge a lazy Saturday morning in bed—times when you're both stress-free, well-rested, and better able to focus on one another.

Foster a feeling of emotional closeness A third of men and almost half of women say that feeling emotionally connected is the most important part of mind-blowing sex. Open your eyes and savor the moment. Pause to breathe and establish eye contact between kisses, be aware of every touch and caress, and be open in conveying your pleasure. The more secure you both feel, the less guarded sex will become.

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