I’ve included this video clip in the post I wrote when I turned nineteen…I hate repeating things but I felt that this was so appropriate for what I want to talk about: my lust life. AKA my love life but there has been no love so…I’m going to refer to it as my lust life.

Since school started in the fall, there have been four people I’ve toyed a little with.

On Thursday morning, April 3rd, at an ungodly hour (perhaps 2am), I told her I loved her.

She had been wanting me to speak to her in Spanish for forever, and I was always reluctant to do so because speaking in Spanish makes me uncomfortable but I thought because I have been wanting to tell her that I love her it would be cute to say it in Spanish.

I wasn’t planning to say it on Wednesday night when she FaceTimed me and we talked until we passed out on Thursday morning but I just…had to. It took a long time to say it too because I felt so nervous…what if she didn’t love me back??

But then considering how she had been calling me “her love” for the past month or so and then how she had sent me this text when I showed her some of my writing…

My girlfriend and I had our first date as girlfriends last Friday, March 14th. We were supposed to have that date on March 7th, but instead I spent that day with her and a bunch of our friends. March 6th was the day that I had been yelled at for dating her…I didn’t sleep much that night. My girlfriend stayed up with me and texted me, trying to console me. She’s been amazing and patient.

Anyway, last Friday we went on our date. I told my parents I was hanging out with my best friend. In reality, Janice* took me to an Italian restaurant but the restaurant side was closed so we just got pizza and we ran into all of her old teachers and my current accounting teacher there. Then she took me to her house, I briefly met her dad then was led to her room. She shares a room with her twin sister.

There was nowhere to sit except for the bed, so I opted for the floor, suddenly feeling very nervous. I hadn’t been alone with my girlfriend for more than two hours for the past month…and the last time we hung out alone for more than two hours, we weren’t officially girlfriends. As of that Friday, we have been girlfriends for two weeks and a day.

Janice teased me for looking so uncomfortable, especially when she deemed it a good idea to change her shirt randomly. I looked at the wall, my throat constricting. Then we decided to put on Perks of Being A Wallflower. I had lent her the book awhile ago and she had just finished it, so we were going to watch the movie. She suggested I sit on her bed so I nervously took off my shoes and flopped myself down on her tiny twin-size bed.

A little after four pm on February 27th, she asked me to be her girlfriend.

Janice* had told me that she had something important to tell me on the Tuesday before. For a minute it had went through my mind that maybe she was going to ask me to be hers, but then I began to wonder if it had to do with work..maybe she got that promotion or was moving to a new store. Janice said it had nothing to do with work and that it was good news. She said she hoped I would be happy hearing it and that a few people know, except for her best friend and her sister doesn’t officially know either.

After two days of pestering her to just tell me already, I picked her up and went to Starbucks with her. Janice was really weird though, she was all nervous and wouldn’t look at me…we spent half the time in awkward silence, her refusing to make eye contact with me, and the other half of the time I was babbling.

We only could spend forty-five minutes together before she had to go back home for her grandma’s birthday, so as the time approached four pm, I was like: Janice, when are you going to tell me your secret? Is it bad?

I wanted to ask my girl, Janice*, if she wanted to be my girlfriend on Valentine’s Day. We both ended up working that night and although we were alone for a little bit when she drove me home afterwards, I didn’t want to ask her in her car. But lately I’ve been thinking if I want to ask her to be my girlfriend at all.

I haven’t been hesitant to ask her to be my girlfriend because I don’t like her as much as I thought I would; I actually like her even more everyday.

I’m hesitant to ask her if she wants to be my girlfriend because of all the complications that it would entail, because I’m not sure if I rely on her for happiness or not, and because being in a relationship terrifies me.

This is a reflective essay I wrote for my English class. Thought I should post it on my blog…

Growing up as a Christian has drastically influenced my self-discovery and self-acceptance process. Up until freshman year, I attended church every Sunday, was involved in four youth groups, attended the VBS programs and when I was too old to attend, I volunteered at them. My first concert was even at a church featuring a famous Christian band. I loved the morals and values that Christianity upholds and I also loved the Christian community. However, I never felt as if I truly belonged in it. The conflicts that I felt within myself caused me to feel miserable and disconnected to God. Christianity did little to offer support and acceptance for what I was feeling; in fact, Christianity led me to hate myself.