The Monster

Every day in life I face monsters. The rage monster lights the flame in my chest, and the flame burns and burns, constantly sometimes. I ignore this flame because I have to focus on the logic.

The flame gets hotter. My muscles tense and my throat tightens. I have to go somewhere where nobody can see. I have to smother the flame. Just another hour, focus on the logic. I do mathematics in my head, to try and awaken the logic inside me. The logic is there, but in too modest of an amount.

I need to go. Thirty-five minutes, the clock is ticking. I want to rip everything off of the walls, and tear it up until it's dust. I can't though. I'm home now. Why am I raging? What is the reason? I don't remember but it's still there and when I see Jill's face the flames are shooting from my ears.

"Hey, I'm home." I announce in the dearest voice I can manage.

"Hey."

The flame roars. Why? Who knows?

I go into my room. I sit down on my bed, with pen and paper. You think I'm going to start writing, don't you? Nope. I stab the paper a few times with the dull end. I lay down for awhile. The icy waters, in slow motion, extinguish the flames, but not all the way. There's a spark left, and when the fuel comes in, so does the fire.

The monster, the fire, it's all me. It's an asinine reaction to little things. It tortures me. Every day the fire devours my love, my happiness, my motivation. Every day I try to keep that spark from igniting, or that flame from getting bigger. It works a lot now, more so than it used to, but I'm still angry more than I should be.

Even when I'm not, that joy I had in my younger days is gone. I want it back, desperately. All that passion and joy I see in others, I want it because it's beautiful, it's human.

I have all the love in the world, I know it, but I have to find it. Maybe it's stuffed in a briefcase somewhere.

Response from Dr. DeFoore

Hello Andi, and thanks for telling your story here. You write very well, and that makes your struggle very poignant and clear.

I encourage you to keep writing. Creative expression in general, and writing in particular, are excellent ways to release emotion--but of course, there's more. I will suggest some other ways.

There is good reason for your anger, although it sounds like you're not clear on what that is. You might even say there's intelligence behind your anger, and you can access that by writing from it. Let it speak, using the guidelines on this page, and hopefully you will begin to understand its origins. You'll find three exercises on that page, & I suggest you use all three of them.

I also think you would benefit from our CD/audio download program on nurturing your inner child. This program will give you further indepth guidance for emotional healing to the issues behind your anger. It will also help you find the love that is inside you. I'm glad you recognize that it is still there.

You can and will access that love, if you use these methods and put all you have into them. Believe in yourself Andi, and believe in the power of the love that is within you to soothe and heal your anger. Use this web site...that's what it's here for.

I want to comment again how good your writing is, Andi. I don't know if you're a professional writer, but it would not surprise me to learn that you are. Thank you for your meaningful contribution to this web site. Keep writing.

My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

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