Hey Juiceheads. It’s been a while, I know. Trust me, no one is more disappointed about that than yours truly. Times have been a bit hectic here in Parts Unknown and, well, something had to give. But have no fear, I’m here, and I’m just as angry as ever. So let’s get started, shall we?

For those of you wondering, I’ve done a pretty good job lately of NOT watching TNA. I almost accidentally watched a Spud-Dixie segment a few days back, before I realized what was on my TV, and quickly popped on an OSW review. Remember kids, wrestling is supposed to be fun.

**********

The Global Force Wrestling fantasy draft has come and gone. Did you tweet your picks? If not, you have no right to bitch and moan when your favorite indy darling goes unsigned. I, on the other hand, made it a point to let Jeff Jarrett know exactly who I want to see on the show…whenever this company produces a show.

For those of you who missed the Tweet (which, based on my follower count, is a resounding “most of you”), let’s take a look at who I picked, and why I’ll be pretty angry if they’re left off the GFW roster.

Milk Chocolate: The NYWC team of Brandon Watts and Randy Summers. If you’ve checked out my NYWC show reviews (and if you haven’t, what the hell, man? Get on it!), you know by now that I LOVE this tag team. They’re young, good looking, charismatic and super-talented.

These guys should be the AJ Styles and Chris Daniels of GFW; two impressive young guys who carry the work and wow the crowd, while working to build names for themselves. They’re two guys you could easily build around moving forward, without spending a lot of money right now. They’re found money, and Jeff should snatch them up before they end up signed to the competition.

Tony Nese: Another NYWC guy, who had a quick cup of coffee with TNA. If you missed it, don’t worry – you can catch Nese tearing it up in indies across the country right now. And soon, you should see him on TV. This guy is absolutely solid in the ring, every single time you see him. He’s also got a TV-ready look, by which I mean he’s absolutely shredded, and looks like he could kick your ass. He’s got the skill to back it up, too. Seriously, this is one of the guys you sign, and even if he’s not your top guy, you build him as a top guy. He’s Mr. Perfect. He’s Ravishing Rick Rude. He’s MONEY. Sign him, and let him do what he does best.

Colt Cabana: Forget everything WWE taught you about Colt Cabana. He’s more than Scotty Goldman, and he’s way more than CM Punk’s best friend. Colt Cabana is FUN.

If you’ve watched Colt Cabana in the ring, you know the man is really enjoyable to watch. He wrestles smart, and the crowd eats it up. (He can be super serious, too. Check out his ROH feud with Homicide for “The Best of Serious Colt Cabana.” You won’t be disappointed.) If you’ve listened to Colt Cabana’s podcast, you know he’s not just funny – he gets it.

When it comes to using Colt correctly, I think he’d be best suited in the role of a Jerry Lawler. I’d have him handle the color commentary – let him tell stories, while entertaining the crowd. And when the situation calls for it, you put him in the ring, as a special attraction. No matter how you use him, he’s going to sell T-shirts… unless, of course, you Scotty Goldman him. Again.

Chris Hero: WWE’s loss should be GFW’s gain – before TNA realizes this guy is up for grabs. Hero can work. Hero can talk. Hero can train, and Hero can mentor younger talents. Hero can carry the torch of an upstart company, putting on quality matches and putting asses in seats. He may not be as young as Nese or Milk Chocolate, but he’s a reputable guy who can carry the torch, while you get the younger guys ready. Seriously, Jeff – just hire Chris Hero. I really shouldn’t have to sell this one.

Kharma: GFW wanted to know what women to sign. There are tons of talented ladies on the indies right now. Problem is, I don’t know many of them. While I know a lot of important names (Jessica Havok and Portia Perez, I’m looking at you) I really couldn’t identify them, or tell you about their work. That’s a problem. I consider myself a pretty “smart” fan. If I’m ignorant to this segment of the business, there’s a good shot I’m far from alone.

But Kharma…she’s special. She immediately grabs your attention with her look, and keeps it with her style. I remember taking my parents to some random indy show in Florida. Sumie Sakai came out to the ring for a match, and knowing who she was booked against, I turned to my stepdad and simply said “watch this.” Out comes Kharma, and his eyes never left the ring.

Kharma is about as special as it gets in the women’s division. She’s got an awesome, marketable look, and she’s super talented. Once again, TNA and WWE missed the boat. GFW shouldn’t make the same mistake.

I left a lot of my favorite indy guys off this list. And while I’d love to see my friends on TV, and I’d like to see all my favorite workers making money and achieving international fame, this isn’t about me. This list was about more than who I want to see in GFW. It’s about who I think could make the company money, and make GFW a success.

If you disagree, or you think my list sucks, feel free to Tweet me about what you’d do differently. I’ll be happy to comment (or rip you apart) in a future column. The latter is more likely. It’s what I do.

**********

Mick Foley is promising an announcement tomorrow (Tuesday). He says:

“After giving the matter much thought, I have come to an important decision regarding my future. I know that not everyone will agree with, or support the decision, but I do hope the decision will be respected. I will make the announcement on Tuesday afternoon.”

What I fear is that Foley is going to announce a deal with Global Force. To me, there’s no spot in a fledgling company for a bitter veteran. Especially one who’s spent the better part of the last six months complaining about everything pro wrestling—from video game payoffs to the “burial” of WWE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION Daniel Bryan.

What I hope is that Mick Foley is prepared to announce his retirement from the professional wrestling business.

As a Long Islander, I’m supposed to love Mick Foley. I don’t . I respect what he’s done to his body, and how hard he worked to get to WWE. I respect his ability to connect with the crowd. But my god, I cannot stand him.

Mick Foley has an over-inflated sense of self-worth. He seems to think he is the most important man in the history of pro wrestling. And he seems to think that if he doesn’t get the payoff he wants at the beginning of the story, then the story sucks.

Get out.

As I began writing this, I was thinking that I wouldn’t mind if Mick signed to GFW as a creative team member. But my criticism of his obvious lack of creative vision shows what a terrible idea that would be. And I’m damn sure not interested in Mick on color commentary, putting himself over, making a bunch of references that make JBL seem coherent, and randomly burying Al Snow. He’s unbearable on a serious wrestling show. And while GFW needs some credible, name-brand veterans to make their company legitimate, but Mick is not the guy.

The last time Mick got his panties in a twist and made a big career move, he went to TNA…and became their world heavyweight champion. And it was more embarrassing than Eric Young: TNA World Heavyweight Champion. It was bad, and he still came crawling back to big bad Vince, with his tail tucked between his legs. He’ll do it again if he lands in GFW, and he’ll act like he’s entitled to a spot on the roster, in the video games, and everywhere else.

If Mick isn’t calling it quits, here’s hoping that he’s resigned with WWE, for season 2 of Saturday Morning Slam. If there’s ever been a show that was built for Mick, it’s Saturday Morning Slam. Plus, it keeps him away from Raw, Smackdown, and Global Force.

**********

For those of you who have been living under a wrestling-news rock, it’s been a rough week or two for WWE. Besides the fact that the WWE World Heavyweight Champion is on the shelf following neck surgery, there’s that little situation where the Chairman of the Board lost $340 MILLION in about 24 hours.

Oh, you missed that, did you? Let’s recap.

WWE predicted it would significantly increase its TV rights fees. It didn’t.

WWE promised millions of people would sign up for the WWE Network. They didn’t. (note: I think the WWE Network is a great LONG-TERM investment, but it’s going to be a tough sell for a little bit.)

WWE is a publicly-owned company that made promises to its investors, and simply failed to deliver.

Uh-oh.

The thing people forget is that WWE is not a wrestling company, regardless of what that second “w” stands for. WWE is a publicly-traded entertainment entity. The titles don’t matter. The stars don’t matter. The matches on the card don’t matter. All that matters is the bottom line, and the happiness of the shareholders.

Business is down. Pay-per-view revenues are (obviously) down. There haven’t been enough Network subscriptions to offset those numbers. And the magic solution that was supposed to satisfy the shareholders failed, miserably.

And now, WWE and its principal owners are suffering the consequences.

This needs to be a big wake-up call for not only WWE, but all other companies that rely on outside investors (looking at you, TNA and GFW.) You can’t make promises you can’t keep. When you lose the faith of the people who invest in your company, you will lose the money they’ve invested in your company.

I did have one strange thought about this, however. What if it’s all a work, and part of an elaborate scheme by Vince & Co. to take the company private again? I know it’s unlikely, but it IS pro wrestling, and the idea of some giant clusterkerfluffle turning out to be some silly work isn’t THAT far-fetched.

We’re less than two weeks away from WWE Payback. I’ll be back sometime before then to tell you what would piss me off on the show, react to Mick’s announcement, follow the latest with Global Force, and more.

And hey, maybe we’ll even record a new podcast. Someday. (Believe me, we miss it as much or more than you do. There are technical issues in the Palace of Wisdom, but we’re working on them.)