Wednesday, May 04, 2016

Judge the livability of your city using the White Castle Index

At a proud moment last year, I won the Literary Open Mic
competition hosted by my comrade-in-arts and Renaissance man Filthy Phill Lentz at The CobraClub. I decided to celebrate my victory with a late-night snack before
heading home. I drove to where my navigation system indicated was the nearest White Castle, only to find a construction site in its place.

It is at least the second White Castle to be purged from the
popular and overrated borough of Brooklyn. The much-valued Castle in
Williamsburg on the corner of Metropolitan Avenue and Humboldt Street was closed nearly two years ago to
make way for more overpriced apartments.

Before I got married, I made sure my bachelor party ended
with a visit to White Castle to cap off an evening of Yankees baseball,
strippers and punk rock. When my band plays shows near a White Castle we are
sure to stop by for some sliders on the way home.

I wouldn’t advocate eating junk food regularly, and I limit
my White Castle visits to special occasions and balance with attempts at a
healthy diet and regular exercise. But after a night of victorious effort,
whether that be in producing great art, achieving a career or personal victory,
or otherwise exerting yourself above and beyond the call, it is suitable to
indulge with some excellent excess, and you should be able to safely do that in
multiple locations around any major American city.

New York City has fallen behind in its White Castle Index,
meaning that low-cost good food at all hours is increasingly unavailable. Williamsburg
was once a haven for artists; it’s now home to the $150 doughnut. Williamsburg managed to strike it rich and still
slide into the sewer.

I prefer White Castle, and I’d be
happy to expound on its excellence both culturally and calorically, but there
are other options that are similarly convenient and meaningful. Regionally
there are many differences and the White Castle chain does not ready many parts
of the U.S. But every region should have its own version of White Castle. Waffle House often fits the bill in many parts of
the country. It is open 24 hours a day and has plentiful offerings of quickly
made indulgent food at a relatively low cost (it might be useful to call this
the Waffle House Index in the Southern U.S. I don’t know any Waffle House restaurants north of
Pennsylvania). And diners are a great American institution that are being
priced out of existence as well.

Everyone should be able to have an all-night restaurant that
they can go to relax among their own kind (leaving it up to each person who
counts as “their own kind.”)

If the all-night party isn’t available at an affordable
cost, then something is wrong, and we are getting to the point in New York City
where only the extravagantly wealthy can afford to live life to the fullest.
That leads to a decline in the character and long-term viability of the city.
Without strong, vibrant, working and middle classes, the cultural and physical
rot of its society becomes evident very quickly.

The world’s best artists do not emerge from the pampered class
that looks down their noses at the common people. The arbiters of taste and
culture should not be people who’ve never waited tables, washed dishes, or dug
a ditch. With fewer and fewer working Americans able to find a rewarding life
in our urban centers, cities will cease to be engines of creativity and genius.

As goes the working class, so goes our city. Luckily, there
are still numerous White Castles to be found in the outer boroughs. I’ll see
you at one.

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About Me

I write a column called 'Notes from a Polite New Yorker' as well as short stories and poems. My column appears monthly in Kotori Magazine and my writing has appeared in GetUnderground.com, Knot Magazine, The Black Table, Too Square, and other web sites and print publications.