Where Sports-Talk Radio And Alternative Talk-Radio Meet

What happens when someone like me -- or namely me -- does without television, and alternates between Sports-Talk Radio and Alternative Talk Radio?

I envision the following conceptual parody. It's done as an comedic homage to both and seeks to answer that question:

Concept: A radio talk show which combines the elements of both genres. I propose the following topics being discussed by hosts, assorted guests, and -- of course -- the various callers.

Here's what I see for a "typical" week:

[BEGIN SCRIPT] ---------------------Monday: Do extraterrestrials have any interest in the NCAA men's basketball tournament? If so, what team are they "pulling for?" And why? ---------------------Tuesday: If Bigfoot is real, as the famous 1967 Patterson film proves to me, what side of the ball would you put him -- or her, as the video shows -- on an NFL football team? And at what position? Defensive line? Offensive Line? What about at fullback? Tight end?

In any event, that estimated seven-foot-three-inch animal (no doubt a true heavyweight) could really move some bodies out of the way. I'd bet that animal would "redefine" what is called "the point of attack." And, as a ball carrier, I'd bet that animal would be hard to stop. At least for me.

And what kind of "deal" could that animal get in the pros? There's the problem of its inability to communicate effectively with its agent -- besides high-pitched screeching or grunting. Or teammates and coaches for that matter. In its current state, it would no doubt be a huge flop at any press conference.

But having this animal screeching at some of the overly critical sports press out there might not be a bad idea. I'm sure there's others who may agree. ---------------------Wednesday: Are paranormal events affecting the Major-League Baseball playoffs? If so, how? What teams are being influenced, and for better or worse? Are these paranormal events affecting the fans more than the players? Or, possibly, affecting the officials for the worse? ---------------------Thursday: Will it be possible to play basketball on the moon? Without gravity, wouldn't it revolutionize the game? Won't dunks become more common? Won't it be easier to block shots? How hard would it be to dribble the ball "up there?"

And wouldn't the players' shots "hang up there" forever? And without an atmosphere, would we hear the buzzers and officials' whistles? Won't that produce chaos on the court? ---------------------Friday: Open lines. Anything goes here. Callers discuss subjects including:

- The possibilities of whether inhabitants of the mythical "Lost Continent of Atlantis" played golf. If so, what were their handicaps? - What does the "Theory of Relativity' have to do with the World Cup international-football tournament? - Does the mythical Loch Ness Monster play water sports in its spare time? If so, which ones? - Is there some government conspiracy to keep down the NFL Cleveland Browns? It sure seems that way. - Does the National Hockey League's Norris Trophy offer some inexplicable portal to another dimension? - Do those strange "crop formations" resemble the winner's circle at any Indy-car or NASCAR track? If so, which one? Or ones? --------------------- [END SCRIPT]

About

Everyone experiences pain, of course. But a comedian has the ability to use their anger and intelligence to refocus and reconstruct their pain into entertainment. It's so obvious that it almost goes without saying, but comedians are generally more intelligent and sensitive than the average person. It's our undeniably superior (almost god-like) intelligence that made life difficult for us when we were children. We could see through the hypocracy and illogic of our parents and teachers, but because of our age and size we couldn't do anything about it. The more we pointed out the foolishness of our "superiors," the more they kept us down. But just as pressure and heat transform coal into diamonds, it's that frustration, social pressure and the heat of anger that transforms us into comedians.