To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to:oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle
with the word "help" in the subject line.

Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on
an integer scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume
number to oracle-vote on iuvax (probably just reply to this message).
For example:
435
2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1

> H A C K E R C R O C K E T T B O G U S> C O N S U L T A N T S>> Hacker Crockett Bogus, Inc.> Quality Control Consultants> 32767 Kewbus Drive> Foonly Park, MD 22998>> T. Usenet Oracle> c/o I. U. Vakks> Seess, IN 47405>> Dear Mr. Oracle:>> Attached is the final report of our recently completed> quality-control study. We have identified a number of grave> deficiencies in the current production process, which we> believe can only be remedied by a rapid and thorough> introduction of TQM (Total Quality Management).>> TQM means total quality, a commitment to excellence at all> levels of the organization. The essence of TQM is a> paradigm shift at the process level. Each stage in the> production process becomes involved in hands-on quality> management through extensive training and a total,> enterprise-wide restructuring of the information and process> flow.>> TQM requires each stage in the production process to come to> view the subsequent stage as its customer, and itself as the> customer of the prior stage. Immediate feedback is> essential for on-the spot quality corrections. TQM requires> the active involvement of management by practicing> "management by walking around," and a visible committment of> resources. And TQM requires highly-paid, slick-talking> quality consultants with fancy letterhead and reports.>> Mr. Oracle, the firm of Hacker Crockett Bogus is uniquely> placed to help your enterprise make the transition into the> globally competitive, integrated market of the year 2000.> Without boldly innovative leaders such as yourself, the> American oracular industry will be ill-equipped to face the> growing challenge from overseas. We congratulate you on> your foresight in commissioning this study, and look forward> to the opportunity to participate in the implementation of> TQM on a regular contractual basis.>> Upon receipt of the final report (enclosed), our initial> consulting fee of ### INTEGER OVERFLOW ### becomes due.> Thank you for your prompt remittance.>> Sincerely,>> Will Crockett> Senior Partner>> WC:bdm>> Enclosures: 1

> Oh Great Oracle whose wonders never cease to amaze my tiny brain> Whose feats are so large one cannot comprehend their magnitude> Would you please, please (I beg of you) take a small portion of> your precious time to answer the following question:>> Why is my boyfriend a conceited jerk (most of the time) and such> a cute, cuddly teddy bear the rest of the time?

} As you know, out of every twenty-eight days, your boyfriend is a} teddy-bear one day, and a jerk the other twenty-seven. The explanation} is simple: your boyfriend is a conceited jerk who is a were-teddy-bear.}} You owe the Oracle a silver bullet (you won't want one yourself.)

} [Showy fanfare music, screams of bored housewives]}} [A disembodied voice....]} And now, its time for your favourite game of chance, "The Money Or The} Gun". And heeeere's your host, The Usenet Oracle!}} [Even more cheers]}} O: Thanks, Don. Welcome, everyone, to another episode of "The Money} Or The Gun", the game show where contestants trade off can their} destiny of the day for the possibility of actual mutilation or Big} Cash Prizes!}} [Cheering hits fever pitch]}} O: O.K., Don, who is this week's lucky contestant?}} D: Right, Oracle. This week's contestant is a Prince from Denmark who} enjoys fishing, sailing, knife throwing and politics. Give a big,} Money Or The Gun welcome to Hamlet!}} [More cheers, though not as many as for Oracle]}} O: Thanks, Don. Welcome to The Money Or The Gun, Hamlet. Feeling} confident?}} H: Yep, Sure am, Oracle.}} O: Are you a gambling man, Hamlet?}} H: Well, I've been known to take a few risks in my time....}} O: Are your family in the audience today?}} H: Unfortunately, no. They are pretty unwell right now.}} O: Oh, thats a shame. Well, on with the show! Don, what is Hamlets} destiny today?}} D: Hamlet, your destiny for today is to suffer the slings and arrows} of Outrageous Fortune. Yes, Outrageous Fortune, when you think it} can't get any worse, Outrageous Fortune is always there. Since} 1,000,000BC, a family owned business catering to your every phobia.}} [Polite, keep-the-sponsors-happy cheers]}} O: Well, Hamlet, how does that sound?}} H: I'm not sure. It could be OK, but Fortune is such a fickle thing.}} O: Sure is. That's why we are giving you the opportunity to trade} your Outrageous Fortune for what's behind this door:}} [Scantily-clad bimbo waves hands near a door with a big letter A on it} in the patented, I-can-smile-but-not-talk way. This brings more} cheers and one wolf-whistle that is rapidly ejected by station} security.]}} O: Well, Hamlet, what'll it be? The contents of door A or the slings} and arrows? What about it audience?}} [ Huge volume of shouts from the housewives: "Open the door", "Take} the arrows", "The Door, The Door," etc.]}} H: Um, this is hard. Um, Er, No, I'll take the Door.}} O: OK, Hamlet, you've elected to give up the slings and arrows for} what is behind door A. Lets see what you have won!}} [The Bimbo opens door A. All it contains is a very large card with $1} stuck to it and the words "Or, Try Again". Half the audience goes} "Oooh", the other half goes "Ahhhh".]}} O: Good luck, there, Hamlet. You've got the One-Dollar-or-Try-Again} prize. You can walk away with one dollar and no Outrageous Fortune,} or you can try again. What'll it be?}} H: Well, $1 isn't much, I'll try again.}} O: OK, lets see the next door!}} [The set containing door A rotates 120 degrees, revealing another} bimbo and a door marked B.]}} O: Here is your second chance. Will you go for the door or the slings} and arrows? Audience?}} [More cheering, somewhat like before.]}} H: Um... Err... To B or not to B? That is the question! Is it} better to suffer the slings and arrows of Outrageous Fortune, or...} No, hang it all, I'll take door B!}} O: OK, lets see what you have won!}} [Bimbo #2 opens the door to reveal a tomahawk. The audience lets out} a low "ooooooooooohhh"]}} O: I'm sorry, Hamlet, no cash prize for you. But in exchange for your} Outrageous Fortune you have won a small hatchet and a lifetime supply} of firewood. Don!}} D: Yes, Hamlet, never run short of fuel again! More trees than you} can ever use, all delivered to your doorstep. All you have to do is} cut it down yourself! This prize comes from the wonderful people at} Dunsinane Firewood and Mayhem.}} [poilte cheers from a sympathetic audience]}} H: But what's the catch? Where is the punishment? The mutilation?}} O: Tell him, Don!}} D: Yes, Hamlet, the kicker is this. These trees don't _like_ being} cut down. And some of them get very cross when they see an axe. And} they think you own a sawmill! Good luck!}} O: Yes, good luck indeed, Hamlet; I have a feeling your going to need} it. Thanks for playing!}} H: [In a state of shock] Oh, yes, Thanks, Oracle.}} O: Well, that's all we have time for this week, folks. Join us next} week on "The Money Or The Gun"!}} [wild cheering as credits roll]} --------}} So it appears that the slings and arrows are probably the best bet.} Unless you like trees.}} You owe the Oracle a very sharp axe.

> O Pandemic Omniscient Oracle, I implore thee to grant me> enlightenment on my insignificant matter:>> After five days struggling with ResEdit, "Inside Macintosh", and> a bunch of other mish-mash, I finally managed to create a Mac font, the> first ever readable Mac font I've seen.>> My question: Why did they make it so zarking difficult?>> Related question: Why is it that Volume 4 of "Inside Macintosh"> seems to say, "Everything you read in volumes 1-3 is wrong?" Is it> some obscure joke?

} The answer is quite simple: Macintosh fonts were never really meant to} be altered or changed, because Apple has always provided all the fonts} required by its overwhelmingly most important base of users, college} freshman writers who need to impress their instructors with} "neat-looking" papers.}} Perhaps you have not read any freshman essays lately, and are unversed} in the arcana of proper Macintosh typography. The Oracle is kind and} patient, and herewith provides the Oracle Guide to Mac Fonts for} Freshman Writers and Other Aspiring Gutenbergs.} ===============================================}} FONT SIZE COMMON USES}} Chicago 12 The most crucial Mac font/size combination. Use} for the body of your essays. It's big enough so} you can get away with 500 words or so on your} 6-page assignment, especially if you are clever} with your margins and spacings. And it's a} hearty, bold font that really makes a statement} about what a serious student you are. Your TA is} going to be impressed, because she's never seen} anything like it. Probably all your classmates} are still using 1941 Remington manuals to do their} essays!}} Geneva 9 The workhorse of freshman essay fonts. This} size/font combination is especially useful when} you need to put every single quotation you} downloaded from CD-ROM into your term paper and} you don't want to go over the page limit. (HINT:} single-space! Studies show single-spaced essays} contain approximately twice as many quotations as} double-spaced ones!)}} Geneva was not designed as a laser font. It may} surprise you, but Mac "gurus" know it's only} "cool" to turn in a Geneva 9 essay that's been} printed on an ImageWriter with an original ribbon.} (I.e., one that has never been changed; you can} find one in any college writing center.) This} gives your instructor the message that you're} serious about your writing--you're not seduced by} all that fancy graphic folderol of laser printers,} TrueType, and so on, like your roommate the Visual} Arts major.}} Courier 12 Apple paid Charles Schulz a respectable licensing} fee to carefully duplicate the font that Snoopy} uses when he types "It was a dark and stormy} night...". It really does look just like a} typewriter font! If you're on the school paper,} you can turn in your copy with Courier 12 and the} editor will know you're an "old hand." Don't} forget to put the "--30--" at the bottom!}} Helvetica 10,12 The name alone says it. It's a sans-serif font} with a hint of Continental panache, like Hannibal} crossing the Alps. Kids at the Ivies and the} Seven Sisters wouldn't use anything else. If} Sylvia Plath had had a Mac, this is what she would} have used to write her journals at Smith!}} London 18 Use for title pages for English classes. It} impresses the hell out of the English profs--} they'll think you've been studying 14th-century} Court hand just like Geoffrey Chaucer did!}} San Francisco 18 You'll stand out from the crowd when you use} this "wild and crazy" font for your title pages!}} Venice 14 Use Venice 14 for your creative writing} assignments. A restrained but soulful Italianate} cursive, it gives off intimations of espresso and} Gaulois cigarettes. It was modeled after James} Joyce's handwriting, and is designed to slow} reading speed by 40-50%, so that your instructor} can savor and linger over your phraseology.}} Cairo 18 Famous old-time typesetters like the young Mark} Twain and Benjamin Franklin used "dingbats" to} liven their pages and give their All-American} prose real "zip"! Semioticians like C. S. Pierce} and Umberto Eco have emphasized the importance of} iconicity to human sign-systems. You can put} Cairo 18's frogs, trucks, and firecrackers into} your text with full confidence in their historic} and theoretical importance!}} Plus Athens, Monaco, New York, Times, and more... Sure, it's} theoretically possible to create new Mac fonts, but with this} typographical wealth, why bother?

> George Bush damn them all! I was told we'd sail the seas for Amsterdam> gold! We'd soften no ion enhancers, we'd baffle to no reactants! Now> I'm a broken McCarthyite on an Edinburgh pier, the last of John> Travolta's mistress' gym teachers! I don't understand it Oracle, I> can't even play kickball -- I'm mostly around to keep the scientific> supplies happy -- but Travolta has told me that he would personally> pour acid on me if I so much as got near the science room. I'm going> crazy teaching golf to all of the floozies that Travolta hangs out> with. HELP ME PLLLLLEEEEEAAAAASSSSSEEEEE!

} [Fade to Usenet Oracle, holding a small box of pills.]}} Does this sound like your life? Well, if so, then you need new} Super Oracular Downers (or, SOD, for short)! Yes, folks, SOD will help} you get through your hectic and crazy lives. It's recommended by 9 out} of 10 Oracles for fast-acting, temporary relief from the insanity of} the real world. Plus, SOD is coated, so it won't upset your stomach.} And, best of all, if you act now, you can get a year's supply of SOD} for the LOW LOW price of just $424242.42! What an incredible Oracular} bargain! Call us NOW at 1-800-NEED-SOD; please have VISA or MasterCard} ready. SOD, the only drug you'll ever need!}} [Fade out.]

} Jesus answers all of my questions concerning religion, because} Jesus is WAY COOL. He could walk on water and swim on the land.} That's so cool!}} Dr. Ruth answers all of my questions concerning sex. Although I} like to think I'm a hep dude, sometimes I get confused. Like,} what do you do with a latex body bag? Or how much IS bondage} supposed to hurt, anyway? She's way, waaay cool.}} Mr. Language Person answers all of my grammar questions, such as} "How do I tell a supplicant to go to hell and make him happy to} be on his way, and not commit grammatical blasphemy?"}} My significant other, however, answers all of the most important} questions about me. Questions like "does my nose hair really} show or does it just feel that way?" Or "Honest, honey, was I} boring last night or was I brilliant?" (Correct answer: "You} were divine.") That's so cool.}} Somestimes, though, I lie awake in my infiniteness, wishing there} were other Oracles out there like me, and wondering whether or} not, in some parallel universe, my exact double is lying about} wondering exactly the same thing. At times like this I bow my} head and pray to the only true light in the Oracular universe who} can answer my *very deepest* questions. . . .}} Isaac Asimov. 1920-1992.}} You owe the Oracle a moment of silence.

> Dear Mr./Mrs. U. SENET ORACLE,>> You may already be a winner!>> If the Super Duper Amazing Grand Prize Entry Number enclosed in this> envelope matches the one which our computers have randomly selected,> our next list of Super Duper Amazing Grand Prize winners may look> like this:>> Catherine MacHinery> St. Louis, Missouri> $10,000,000 Winner!>> Sylvan LaCoiffure> Kissimmee, Florida> $5,000,000 Winner!>> Marjorie Rhyostat> Phoenix, Arizona> $5,000,000 Winner!>> U. SENET ORACLE> IUVAX.CS.INDIANA.EDU> $10,000,000 WINNER!>> Ed McMahon> Burbank, California> $50,000,000 Spokesman!>> All you have to do is mail in the enclosed Super Duper Amazing Grand> Prize Entry Form, making sure to attach the right stickers. If you> attach the right stickers, you will enter yourself into all of our> valuable sweepstakes offers! If you attach the wrong stickers, you> will order over 75 valueless magazines, and agree to let us film> a sitcom in your living room!>> You can't lose! Unless you don't enter (not that we're trying to> give you any ideas, here).>> So, the choice is yours, U. SENET ORACLE of IUVAX.CS.INDIANA.EDU.> We can't wait to hear from you!

} According to my prescient visions, the following things are about to} take place:}} - The Oracle gambles a stamp and mails in His entry}} - Nothing is heard from contest company for just a bit too long}} - Heads of various mammals begin arriving in Ed McMahon's bed}} - The company holds an emergency meeting}} - The chairman declares that they should do nothing}} - The chairman erupts into a screaming tower of flame}} - The vice-chairman nervously awards The Oracle a special award}} - Ed McMahon arrives at the Oracular Mansion with a previously} unidentified but very young female, and presumably a check}} - Lisa observes the Oracle looking at said female, and in a fit} of rage burns her entire collection of rubber outfits}} - The EPA files an environmental impact statement, naming the} Oracle and all Oracular staff as libel for all damages}} No, no, no; hold it right there. Sorry, but I don't think it's worth} it at this point. Thanks anyway.}} You owe the Oracle a magazine subscription to the Greenpeace} newsletter.

} From: MAILER-DEMON@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (Mail Delivery Subsystem)} Reply-To: POSTMASTER@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu} Subject: Mail protocol failure} References: <9204121110.AA05454@tira.uchicago.edu>}} A protocol error was detected during attempted delivery of the reply} to your recent oracular query.}} Probable cause: Your site is not yet equipped for receipt of} transfinite mail messages.}} Suggested action: Take no action at this time. Your site MAY} eventually be upgraded. Until that time} delivery will be re-attempted every 28ms. This} may cause slight network disruptions, power} outages, and the end of civilisation as you} know it, but no significant ill-effects.}} The first five lines of the failing message are appended.}} - Baarqoz (deputy mailer demon, iuvax)} - FAILING MESSAGE ----------------------------------------------------} Frequently Asked Questions} --------------------------}} 1) Is there anything more embarassing than getting your Willy frozen} to the windsceen-wiper of a police cruiser?

> Oh, Oracle, who is greater in mind than Brian Murphy is in> stench, who is greater than an infinite amount of red Teenies, and who> is more awesome than a woman with low standards, answer me this, my> simple question:>> Will my PC be sold and my Mac delivered soon (with little anxiety> involved)?

} Your PC will be sold tomorrow, to a man who seems to be nice but} really is a MicroSoft employee. Your poor computer will then serve for} the rest of its life in MicroSoft's slave pits, compiling "Hello} World!" for Windows NT. And as if that weren't enough, when this} program is run it will be discovered that the programmer managed to} put no less than 23 bugs in it. Mercifully enough, your PC will never} know this since it will already have died. With its last breath it} will curse you for selling it.}} Your Mac will be delivered the day after tomorrow. At first you will} be very pleased with it. After a couple of days you will find yourself} saying things like "Look-And-Feel patents are good for you". Pretty} soon after that you will start accusing your neighbours of stealing} your house's look and feel. You will try to sue, failing repeatedly.} As you are about to loose your home from having used all your money in} court, you will happen to notice the subliminal message placed in your} Mac by Apple in an attempt to improve their public image. Enraged and} disillusioned by this, you wow never to touch a computer again and} start a crusade against the filthy machines. 17 years later, you, the} high priest of Lotekology in the USA, lie dying from the poison your} ambitious second-in-command has slipped into your coffee.}} You owe the Oracle an abacus.

} No grovelling. I'm not impressed. We'll get to that in a minute.}} Hmmm, I think there is an embarrassment command on here....}} Oracle# man -k embarrass} emb (1L) - embarrass a user using a given event} eb (1L) - determine embarrassment index} embuser, embuserathost (3N) - open a ZOT-like connection for} purposes of embarrassement}} Right.}} Oracle# eb "freezing your willy to a police cruiser wind-screen wiper"} 1.0} Oracle#}} Hmmm.....}} Oracle# man eb}} EB(1L) UNIX Programmer's Manual EB(1L)}} NAME} eb - determine embarrassment index}} SYNOPSIS} eb [ event description ] [ victim ]}} DESCRIPTION} Eb is a tool to assess the degree of embarassment of a} particular victim to a specified event. It is most useful} in combination with the command emb (1L), to assess a} potentially embarrassing event before dispatching it.} The eb command returns an index from 0.0 (no embarrassement)} to 1.0 (maximum embarrassment). Since a given event will have} different degrees of embarrassment depending upon the victim,} an optional victim argument is possible. When not provided,} the victim defaults to the current user. With no arguments, the} command reads single-line descriptions of events from} standard input, and returns (to standard output) an index} ....}} Oh. The embarrassment factor of 1.0 is for me. I guess because the} event is normally impossible (obviously the command doesn't take} omnipotence into account). Let's try that again....}} Oracle# eb "freezing your willy to a police cruiser wind-screen wiper"} $currentsupplicant} 0.7564323} Oracle#}} Significantly less than 1.0. So the answer to your question is yes,} there are many things more embarrassing than "freezing your willy to} a police cruiser wind-screen wiper". Let's try one for fun....}} Oracle# eb "freezing your willy to a the wind-screen wiper of a} police cruiser driven by a female policeman"} $currentsupplicant} 0.78233419}} Wow. That was a simple permutation. And there is still 0.21766581} to go!}} You owe the Oracle a reason not to inflict a 0.90, and MUCH MORE} GROVELLING next time!