Drinking The Night Before You Work: A Degenerate’s Guide

Alright, this one’s for all you aspiring alcoholics out there. The ones who finished their fifteenth consecutive hour of drinking at around the 2 a.m. mark, only to wake up three hours later and head to their undoubtedly shitty job as a golf course cart attendant or maybe even supervisor of a party supplies store (we’re looking at you, Jake, you smug fuck. No one cares that you got a $0.25/hour raise because you still sell plastic cups for a living). So sit back, relax, and prepare to be taken on a journey about the joys of working hung-titties. Maybe you’ll even learn a thing or two from the guy who is currently nursing the worst Twisted Tea hangover in all of recorded history.

Summer is generally a good time. You’ve got the nice break from your studies, the warm weather, and all the other commodities that come with being free from the ball and chain that is modern education. However, for most of us summer is also the chance to grind away, and get a little bit of extra cash saved up for the coming school year. It’s a feeble attempt to ease the load of the crippling debt that’s sure to come. So what do you do when you’re faced with what’s sure to be a night for the books, but work the following morning? I’ll tell you what to do you cowards; you pile drive drinks into that obnoxiously bloated barrel of yours until the girl with the personality of a bag of yard clippings turns into someone you like. Maybe even love! All the while you crack dark jokes about how you’re going to be “so fucked” by the time the morning rolls around, which don’t worry, you will be. At least when you’re ten drinks in you won’t possess the common sense to care, which I guess is a bonus.

At this point, you should be well on your way to being hungover for work in the ‘morrow, so let’s fast forward a bit. You’re college students, after all; I don’t need to tell you how to get drunk. Getting obnoxiously housed in roughly thirteen minutes is maybe the one thing your time at school actually taught you. Therefore, let’s go straight to the morning after. Here’s a taste of what you’re in for.

You open your eyes to unfamiliar surroundings — maybe familiar surroundings if your night wasn’t overtly cool — probably passed out on a couch. Fuck it, not important. After checking for your phone, keys and wallet, you stand up and immediately regret it. Through a churning stomach and a mouth so dry it could be Amy Schumer’s stand up career, you drag your hollow husk of a body out the door and locate your vehicle. Once you hop inside, you’re now probably en route to grab some greasy fast food breakfast and coffee. Really just whatever your stomach can hold down.

Your next step is arriving at work. Honestly, we’re all adults, so skip the shades unless it’s socially acceptable. The key here is to not try hiding how hungover you are. People are going to know, and believe me — it’ll only prolong the inevitable. And the inevitable in this case? Being verbally molested by every person capable of stringing a loosely-worded sentence together (which, ironically, you probably couldn’t do last night). You’ll feel like shit most of your shift and probably work at around 50% capacity for the first few hours until you start recovering, so you might as well just buckle down and take every, “Wow, looks like someone had a fun night!” with your head held high. Because you did have a fun night, and that bitch Susan who keeps tossing sarcastic comments and holier-than-you looks can never take that away from you.

Unrelated, but what the fuck is up with decorative blinds? Like either non-functioning ones that don’t close properly, or ones with designs that let light through. There is a surplus of glare on my laptop screen right now, and I my hungover self is not having it. What a poor investment..