Girls watch porn and finger themselves GET OVER IT

Last week I made a fleeting comment about watching porn, and everyone tried to act normal, like it wasn’t a big deal that girls probably frig themselves off.

But really, the idea that girls don’t watch porn and don’t finger themselves is a big collective lie.

We tell it to ourselves, we tell it to boys, we tell it to the internet.

I’m sick of pretending: I really get porn

Sure they’re Oxford students, but only 48% of these girls said they watch porn. The other 52% are liars. And the ones who owned up nervously shrugged like someone in the year above asked them what type of music they were into. They represent all girls, and it’s embarrassing.

Truth is, the words “I don’t finger myself” and “I don’t know what a spitroast is” are about as believable as saying “I don’t revise”.

You’ve travelled the world, tried Ayahuasca, you once drank two whole bottles of wine before a night out. But you can’t even admit that you put your fingers inside yourself. You coward.

It was PornHub that taught me how to give a cracking blowjob, not Cosmo. And it’s just as well – last time I read it they told me I should tickle a boy’s feet with my nipples.

Me and my mates don’t chat about it. It hasn’t even been brought up since that hysterical time the boys gave me a dildo in front of my Dad at my 18th.

But it’s always there, implied. We’re doing it and not talking about it. You’re probably doing it right now.

Boys: masturbating and porn are not your thing. They’re not an in joke reserved for the readers of the Lad Bible and blokes-only WhatsApp groups with names like “poo-etry.” We get it.

While we’re here, I also know what faketaxi is and I know how to use incognito.

So why don’t we all just own up?

Maybe it’s the fear of being that smuggard at pres who drinks to “never have I ever tried anal” and secretly enjoys people bringing it up in front of boys for the next three years.