... cogitating the possibilities by the sound of my own keystrokes ...

December 31, 2004

We watched Resident Evil 2 and Dawn of the Dead on DVD. I was a bit hesitant, because most of my nightmares are based on zombies. But these movies were very entertaining. My only comment: always go for the head shot. Don't know why that's such a difficult concept in these movies.

December 29, 2004

I've been breaking in my new TiVo, watching many hours of DVDs, working my way through a 10-pound ham, and infuriating the kitties with a new laser-pointer. Once again, I can't help but think about how fortunate our lives are, considering how hard life can be for others. It's a blessing.

I only had to work 4 hours on Christmas Eve. It was the first Christmas in many years that both me and my room mate were off work for both days. We also were off Thanksgiving. I have to work 4 hours New Years Eve and a 12-hour New Years Day (night shift).

Last night, we were sitting around the nurses' station talking about reality television, and I offered up a title for a great reality dating program, Catch My Snatch. If that's too vulgar, maybe Catch My Cootchy.

December 23, 2004

Margaret Cho has written a blog entry about her experiences watching (via internet feed) the beheading of one of the hostages in Iraq. Margaret has a fascinating way of forming really funny images in my mind, while, at almost the same instant, chilling my blood to the bone with troubling images. "The gruesome images flashed by both too quickly and too slowly, too fast for me to stop it, too slow for me to miss anything." She also described her feeling that it was her responsibility, as a citizen, to witness. That to deny oneself the horror of watching a person being beheaded makes that life less meaningful, the snuffing of that life less appalling, more palatable.

So I was going to try to find one of the feeds. To watch and be horrified. To witness and be sickened. To be sorrowful and to feel hatred.

But I couldn't do it. I didn't have Margaret's accident of happenstance, when one of her friends, unbeknownst to her, had downloaded RealPlayer so that the image played before her eyes, too fast to stop, too slow to miss.

I couldn't go see Dawn of the Dead because the images of real-looking dead people give me nightmares. I still have a recurrent nightmare, based on 21 Days Later, where I am fighting fast-moving zombies with a ball-peen hammer.

So back to that link to the beheading. I wonder if it's my civic responsibility, my American obligation, my Required Duty as a Member of a Civilized Society... to go watch it.

December 22, 2004

On my days off, when I'm not watching reruns of Star Trek on TiVo, I watch CNBC for market news. One section that I watch but don't understand much is Rick Santelli's live reports from the pit at the Chicago Board of Trade (he likes to start most of his reports with the phrase, "Well, [insert host's name here], it's interesting...")

When the board is in a rally (or a really bad fall), the pitch of the guys in the background (who are yelling their buy and sell orders at one another) raises to the panicked level you and I might yell something like, "OH MY GOD THAT LITTLE CHILD IS ON FIRE," or maybe, "JESUS CHRIST JEHOSEPHAT YOU JUST DROPPED A GRENADE," or maybe even, "OH LIVING HELL THIS ANGRY-LOOKING OLIVE-SKINNED DARK-HAIRED PERSON HAS DYNAMITE DUCT-TAPED TO HER CHEST UNDER HER RAINCOAT." Sometimes the yelling is so desperate you can't hear what Rick is saying, and once I saw him get pushed the way New Yorkers push one another to get on the subway during rush hour.

We watched Long Way Round, a mini-series program on Bravo where Ewan McGreggor and his friend Charley Boorman rode motorcycles throughout Russia, Mongolia, Alaska, Canada and the US to New York City. It's a good show to help yourself realize two things: 1) Life elsewhere can be very beautiful, and 2) Life can't get any better than our standard of living here in the US. A third possible lesson: 3) Motorcycles don't cross rivers well.

We also watched the DVD release of Lord of the Rings: Return of the King. Almost unimaginably, they added yet another 55 minutes to the film. The Good News is none of it was the weird male-on-male eye-gazing that ran so rampantly in the original release. I liked the fact that the extra footage was added directly into the film (and weren't just in a separate "Added Scenes" section). The scenes helped flesh out the story. Like now we know what happened to the Orc General (the one that reminded me of the Strange-Looking Brother Locked in Chains from The Goonies), or how Faromir ended up with the daughter of the King of Rohan (I forgot her name), or why All the Stars of the Film rode horse-back up to the Gates of Mordor (there was some missing dialogue with a new character -- they weren't just there to yell epithets over the wall).

December 18, 2004

Christmas presents have been bought. For the 8th year in a row, I did 100% of it in cash, no credit cards. I only ventured into the malls once. Ended up having some sort of panic attack in the middle of the line to buy my stuff at Best Buy. Got this weird feeling the room was shrinking, and it got very very hot. My overwhelming thought at that second was how I would be able to handle intense vomiting while in the line. But I survived it (although I had to spend a few minutes back in the car with the seat down.)Two stops later was the mall, which, to my surprise, was pretty empty. I walked right up to the counter and paid for my gifts at Electronic Boutique.

I never go to those holiday parties (and now the invites are pretty few and far between). Roomie has, once again, put up the Christmas Tree (and the cats have left it alone). The only real Christmas-y thing we've done was watch Elf on DVD. Hilarious. The other night at work, one of my patients and I watched the last few minutes of Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. That's about it.

I watched this weird show on the Science Channel where they mummified the family cat. Turns out poor Yes (that's his name) died of pancreatitis and the owners wanted him mummified. Dunno if I'd go that route. I can, however, see myself keeping three jars of kitty ashes. A show we watched a long time ago described how you could have your pet freeze-dried in some comfortable life-like pose. That sounds sick to me. It's better to feel the sadness of their passing; the knowing that they are gone forever.

I've been watching the debacle of Pfizer and Merk, and find myself thankful that I never put myself on those cox-2 inhibitors. I have chronic knee pain, but I still prefer Indocin/Indomethicin. It's old as the hills, and dirt cheap. All of my docs hate the fact that I'm on it but I find it to be very effective on my kind of joint pain.

However, I am keeping my eyes peeled for any info on the new sleeping pill called Lunestra (produced by Sepracor). The sell line is something about it being non-addictive and so you can take it for long periods. I still take Ambien for sleep, with excellent results. My waking periods are much more productive, and I seldom have a problem falling asleep, except on those days I decide not to take it because I am off. I also have not noticed any reduction in effectiveness over long periods of time. But many doctors don't like to prescribe long term sleeping pills. I can understand when there are problems with tolerance and/or abuse, but most physicians might call me an "addict" because I freely admit that ambien works for me.

My latest physician, when I brought up the ongoing debate, asked me this question: "Eric, when you feel sad or depressed, do you find yourself taking these pills as an escape? or do you take them even during times of the day that you normally would be awake?" My answer was "of course not." It works. I don't know what the problem is. Thankfully, neither does he.

December 14, 2004

I can't get that song from Hewlett Packard's TV commercial (advertising their line of digital cameras and printers) out of my head.

Here's a link to Despair, Inc. They offer a hilarious line of demoralizing products. My favorite, regarding staff meetings: (the caption on the bottom says, "None of Us is as Dumb as All of Us."

Another link to Leadership Now, a website devoted to the development of excellent leaders. I seldom find any reading material devoted to the concept of Leadership in general. Most of the literature is specifically about business leadership.

December 08, 2004

I read the Investors Business Daily newspaper from cover to cover every day. I like to read the section where they review the 10 Secrets to Success. Today's section was given the title, "Learn to Like the Boss." I'm not sure I agree with all of it, only due to specifics of the nursing industry (where nurse leaders simply do not have as much control over matters of compensation.) I recognize there are sacrifices I am making in terms of getting management positions at one specific hospital, but I don't care to leave the bedside anyway, and they simply can not beat my care because my care is simply excellent. But there is a section where it talks about following the heirarchy, and warns that members of that heirarchy will work against anyone threatening that hierarchy because they "have to." Hadn't considered that, really.

December 06, 2004

I have been working a lot of extra hours at work. Obviously, a lot of my motivation is the upcoming Christmas Holiday, but I've been putting in a lot of consectutive days because I notice I have been sleeping better. When I split my days off, I end up spending the days in between laying in bed trying to get to sleep. It has been so nice going to bed in the morning with that tired sleepy feeling, where the bed really feels GOOD. The past couple of days, I've been waking up in the same position I fell asleep in. It's too bad my knees get to be so painful after three or four 12-hour shifts.

I still get pretty angry at work about the poorly managed changes, but I have been trying out something new. I have been placing all of my charting materials on a rolling cart, which I move from one room to the next. When I chart, I push my rolling chair near my patient's rooms. I was doing this originally to get away from the noise and constant interruption at the nurses' station. But I find my nursing is a lot more intensive. Sitting within direct view of all of my patient call lights has saved a lot of steps, since my patients' charts are just a few steps away instead of at the nurses' station. I also have noticed my patients have been a lot happier, knowing I'm right in front of their room. I have not done any time studies yet, but I am certain my patients don't call out as often, confident that I will make an appearance soon anyway. Also, being away from where everyone is sitting has given me the chance to really concentrate on nursing, which makes me feel good.

I've been working more on those Patient Problem Lists I mentioned earlier. I've been using them in my verbal report, so that the oncoming nurse is given a brief summary of every DRG/medical diagnosis, and every physician/nursing order related to each medical diagnosis. Even if no one cares to make it a standard of practice, I plan to continue writing these lists out, so that no one can claim I have not passed on important details in an often rushed and hurried verbal report. There's been some talk of me teaching others how to fill out these forms, but I don't hold out much hope that the average nurse will want to spend the time working on them, even though they make nursing practice more comprehensive.

On a weirdly aside note, I've had the opportunity to watch the Matrix Trilogy several times these past couple of weeks. My favorite scenes:

In Matrix Reloaded, I love the scene where Neo fights with the "old programs" that were working for the Merovingian. I, for whatever reason, get a big kick out of that Asian girl. She was just so relentless.

In Matrix Revolutions, I love that scene where Neo and Trinity are making their final approach to the machine city, and while under attack, soar above the clouds and into the bright sun. It's very inspiring, even though the ship immediately sinks once again in the harsh bleak darkness of the real world.

Again in Revolutions, I like the scene where that young guy takes control of that fighting machine. He aims his guns at a gate he must open. Just before he fires, he says something like, "Neo... I believe!!"

Again in Revolutions, at the very last scene, when Seraph asks The Oracle, "Did you always know?" and the Oracle replies, "Oh, no. No, I didn't. But I believed... I believed!!"