My So-Called Dream...

I am not sure where to put this as I am not actively suicidal but I will be very soon and I don't know what to do. If you want some background you can read my Feb 14th diary entry as it is too long to put here but suffice to say I feel the end closing in on me and don't know what to do...I feel like a big joke and major fuck up for having it all and then losing it....don't know what else to say other than I want to find a way out that my mind will believe and not just something to placate it.

im not really sure at what to advise, but i have read ur diary entry and can see the pain you are currently going through, i wish i could change it all for you, as u r such a caring and deserving person, it doesnt seem fair at what could happen :hug: again i say im not really sure what to advise, but i jsut wanted to let u no i care and always will, im sorry ur going through such a shitty time at the momment, i hope someone can come up with a good plan, in the meantime keep posting please :hug: we all care!!

Hi Bambi,
I'm glad you posted this and your diary entry here. I came to SF hoping to learn that I'm not the only one who had dreams and took risks only to see it all collapse. None of us deserve this and yet here it is. I have to remind myself that failure is a temporary condition but that dying is not. Best of luck to you and thanks for showing me that I'm not alone.

All i can say is,well you know what i've been through.It sounds trite, but i'm not as suicidal as i was, just fleeting thoughts when i'm driving - how easy would it be? So i guess i'm saying, you're strong ,like me. I've gained the support of one or two people, in the real world, which i did'nt have before, only by admiting whats going on in my life.

You, too can move on - if i can, you can. I've got my cheque today and i'm going to court on thursday, and thereof, i'll be officially bankrupt. So i've finally got my date, everything in place, and to all intents and purposes, homeless.

I'll have to cancel my hospital appointment, because its the only time i can go, but i've decided bankruptcy is more important than health on this occasion.

Go girl - if i can do it, you can do it - what the hell - just one day at a time
Its only fucking bankruptcy, your life is more important, to me anyway.

Bankruptcy is not a cure. It only causes hemorraging along the way. I can see the pain in your writing. The economy is so bad, that jobs are still being tightly reserved. I wish I had a way for everyone ti be happy, but that is not possible.

Bambi, I know that business was the best thing that you could have. I'm sorry that it can't be there for you right now.

Breathe, regroup, and rethink your strategy. I have faith in you. You can rise from the ashes like the phoenix.

I'm not acvocating bankruptcy as a cure for everyone, and no one knows better than i do, that it causes haemoraging along the way. I personally, have lost everything i've spent decades, working for.Its no easy feat to comtemplate starting again, at my age. I should be looking forward to a comfortable retirement.This is never going to happen now. Just trying to look on the positive side. Its the most difficult decisionto make in your life, but sometimes its the only way forward, apart from the other option.

Hey B this is the time, before you become totally swallowed up in the suicidal stuff, to stop and think. Think about all the wonderful advice you have given others. I know impossible to apply to yourself. But you dont necessarily have to do that. Just reread some of the posts you have made for others. Really read the words you offered. See how your advice helped another person. How it made a difference to them. Just like you feel when you are working. You DO make a difference. So reread the words and let them sort of filter into your own situation. Your advice and support comes straight from your heart and your personal life experiences, for others. So give yourself atleast the same opportunites you have given others. Maybe you'll come across some words that will really hit home for you. Not necessarily help your physical situation but maybe emotionally give you the strength you're looking for. Give it a try??? :arms:

Hey Bambi, I'm really sorry that you're feeling so low, you're situation is unfair to you. Maybe if you're parents knew what would happen to you or atleast how depressed you'd be, they would give you some of your brothers half of the money? Well, please do keep in mind that so many people on this forum care about you and stay strong!

Hey B,
I read your whole diary.. Damn you would never know you were hurting so bad.. You show your big heart and compassion in your replies to others..I would never have guessed you were suicidal..
I'm sorry your buisness has slowed down so much..Have you tried to contact a chain to see if they might want to open a shop there..I'm afraid thats all I can recommend in that department..
If you feel your getting close to commiting please go to the hospital.. We all love you and don't want anything to happen to you..You do have people who do care about you..Even if we are in cyberworld we still care..You have my email address so if you need to talk you can always email me..I have that pulled up all day..I check it every hour or so to see if anyone has contacted me..
Please, Please don't do any harm to yourself..Come to us for support just like you did here..I am thinking about you and holding only positive thoughts for you.. Take care, Joseph

HI Bambi...I've just read your diary and I'm so sorry you are in so much pain...
I don't know if it's possible but can you talk to your brother about your finances? maybe he will be happy for your parents to give you the money if he's financially secure....just a thought.
I read the bit where you said your parents will be relieved and say it's for the best if you die....
I lost my son to suicide 6 weeks ago and I would give the world and then some for him to be back here talking to me about his depression and suicidal thoughts....I want him here under any circumstances and I'm sure your parents feel the same way....the pain he has left us in is horrific....I would rather have no money ever but still have my son....
i hope you can stay with us and keep fighting for your dream....
take care..hugs