You guys, I'm a little bit bummed right now. You see, I just found out that Charles Manson is getting married. Oh, I know it's silly to hold out hope that desirable singletons, like Ryan Gosling or Ian Somerhalder or, you know, Charlie, might someday look in your direction, but a girl can dream, can't she? But Manson, one of the world's most notorious criminals, is apparently engaged. And I really don't know how I can compete. For one, his fiancee, Star, is a mere 25 years old. She's also carved a matching swastika into her forehead and relocated to a home right outside of Charlie's prison.

People can think I'm crazy. But they don't know. This is what's right for me. This is what I was born for.

Crazy?! You??? Haters gwan hate, girl!

Star grew up in a deeply religious family and was reading books about Manson when she was a teen. Then she began writing to him. At 19, she saved up $2,000 and moved next door to Corcoran State Prison, where Manson lives. It was only a matter of time before these two star-crossed friends became lovers -- who can't have sex or anything, but love is love.

Like a lot of girlfriends, Star is jealous of Charlie's exes, telling the magazine about one of Charles' former cult minions, Susan Atkins, who is in prison for her role in helping kill a couple:

She was a crazy fucking whore. "Oh Charlie, I did this for you." She didn't know what she was doing.

Star also insists that she and Charles are getting married, saying:

When that will be, we don't know. But I take it very seriously. Charlie is my husband. Charlie told me to tell you this. We haven't told anybody about that.

Star's religious family must be thrilled by this turn of events. Imagine having to say to your church friends, "This is my son-in-law, Charles Manson." The pair won't, however, get conjugal visits, since California lifers no longer get any hanky panky behind bars.

I guess we shouldn't be too shocked that Charles Manson has somehow managed to snag a cute 25-year-old girlfriend when all over the world, single, employed, law-abiding, intelligent, non-insane, non-killer people can't find anyone to date. The most notorious criminals in the world usually have fawners and fans. Natalee Holloway suspect Joran Van Der Sloot recently got married in jail. James Holmes and Dzhokhar Tsarnaev have legions of admirers. At least you sort of get that, considering these are all young, good-looking sociopaths.

But Manson? Hard to fathom, but I guess the old man's still got that magic over the ladies.

Manson is so sure of Star's love that it sounds like he's not even willing to commit to her, telling the mag about their so-called upcoming marriage:

That's a bunch of garbage. You know that, man. That's trash. We're just playing that for public consumption.