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August 09, 2010

Picking up the Pieces After Breast Cancer by Anne Marie Bennett

If I were writing my autobiography, the chapter detailing my life in 2001-2002 would be titled “Journey: Interrupted.”I was 45 years old and had been going about my business, living a normal life, working full time, helping my husband raise his teenagers from his first marriage, enjoying our home and, time with friends, and my new hobby of rubber stamping and collage art.

Then came the startling news: Stage II Infiltrating Ductal Breast Cancer. And after that came two lumpectomies, a lymph node dissection, 12 weeks of chemotherapy, and 42 radiation treatments.Even though I often felt awful during the surgeries and treatments, I found myself sitting at my art table many times, playing with my rubber stamps and collage materials.During these 7 months, I created several rubber stamped calendars, and six dozen collaged note cards.These art projects helped to keep me connected to my soul during a time when my body was feeling very ill and disconnected.

At the end of my treatments, I gifted my doctors, nurses, and radiation techs with boxes of my handmade note cards.It felt good to be able to give something back to these kind and wonderful people who assisted me on my healing journey.

Three years later, my body was healing.I looked goodand I felt good.Yet nothing was able to quiet the overwhelming storms of fear and anxiety.I was living constantlywith the insidious fear that the breast cancer might return, the intimidating fear of another fateful diagnosis.

I meditated and prayed about this. I talked about it with my wonderful therapist and with other breastcancer survivors. I tried guided imagery, journaling, and art journaling. Those all tempered the fear to some extent, but only for a very short while.

Then in 2005 I began practicing SoulCollage® and my inner dynamics began to change.SoulCollage® is an intuitive art process that is simple and goes directly to one’s inner thoughts and feelings. It was created by Seena Frost in the late 90’s.Using only magazine images, mat boards, scissors and glue, I created this SoulCollage® card about my fears.

After creating a SoulCollage® card, it helps to give the card a voice and let it speak.Here is thewriting exercise I did with this card that made a huge difference in my being able to accept that deep fear and live with it:

Who are you?I am the one who fears that the cancer will come back, that it will take up space in anotherpart of my body.I am the one who fears this every day.I am the one who has to live with this fear.

I am the one who sees tigers gnashing their teeth at me in the dark, roaring and racingtowards me on a desolate beach. They are ready to destroy my body again. They are waiting for the right moment to leap at me and take my beautiful life from me.

I am the one who returns again and again to my doctors, my heart pounding as I nervouslyawait the results of the latest mammogram, the most recent blood work.

I am the one who fears that the cancer will return and consume me, who fears that the cancerwill find me after hunting me down, and will tear my beautiful life to shreds, smash it to smithereens on that desolate beach.

I am the one who feeds the tigers with my fear, who sits passively and waits for bad newsinstead of standing fierce and tall and proud, my spear and arrows poised for fighting back.

I am the one who grows weak in the face of my fear, who has no options save to give in to it.

What do you want from me?I want you to watch, to be on the lookout, to do things now to protect yourself.I want you toeat healthier and exercise more.I want you to stay in this present moment. The tigers are not real. The only thing that is real is right now, this present moment and you arehealthy and strong right now, in this present moment.I want you to know how strong and fierce and courageous you really are.

I am now a 7-year cancer survivor and have written a book about my experience. It’s called Bright Side of the Road: A Spiritual Journey Through Breast Cancer, and you can read more about it here: www.AnneMarieBennett.com