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Five female students hospitalised after non-screeching incident

Five female students are undergoing tests at a Coventry hospital today after they repeatedly failed to screech like harpies on their way home from the pub. ‘I couldn’t believe I wasn’t being kept awake by the noise of screaming girls,’ said local resident, Mr Harold Bream, ‘I immediately knew something must be wrong, so I rang the police.’

‘When we arrived on the scene we found the girls proceeding down the street in an orderly fashion, speaking at a low volume and wearing sensible clothes,’ said PC Tracey MacDonald, ‘they refused to engage in any form of screechy singing, shout obscenities into their mobile phones or even flash their knickers to complete strangers. We had no alternative but to arrest them.’

The girls are currently being held under the Mental Health Act and have been placed on a Bacardi Breezer drip. ‘We will keep them in for the rest of today,’ said a hospital representative, ‘then release them onto the streets in the early hours of the morning when hopefully they will make a bit more of an effort.’