It's just incredible to be here, with you all, in this stunning solarium/petting zoo, on this sunny day, for this amazing purpose of bringing together in marriage, Sandra and Julius, my 2 best friends in the whole wide world.

(polite applause from the crowd)

TREVOR
I must say first how honored I am to have been chosen to marry you two, and how extremely...extremely extremely extremely happy I am to be here, in between you two, not getting married, bringing you as one while I remain a priest.

(polite applause)

TREVOR
Julius has been my best friend ever since our early schoolboy days where we would run and skip and play Doctor on long afternoons. Such good tender times, Julius. And Sandra...well Sandra and I used to date in college. 6 months. 6 incredible months I'll never forget.

It was at the end of that time of bliss, that Julius and Sandra met. They met on a weekend at my parent's Nantucket Beach for my annual "best friend and girlfriend retreat." They met on the beach, on the couch, on the kitchen floor, and on many family heirlooms that are permanently stained with their budding love. Love that grows to the marriage we will witness to day, and it's also the main reason I am now a celibate alocoholic child molesting priest.

Isn't that hilarious? I think that's so funny and amazing how love can be made. How great love is. Wow! It's just amazing this beautiful thing called love and the whole fucked up shit world we all live in.

Sandra is a whore. And Julius is a whore's husband to be. Whose lives will you ruin next together? Who's next to fall down the mountain of unending pain as you guys walk on your hiking trail to bliss?

(He Kisses SANDRA on the lips, and then JULIUS. They protest.)

TREVOR
Their lips are cold, people! Cold as the lips on death corpses. Death! Death! My only salvation.