Just Say No

If Roy kicked the habit, you can too.

"Ecstasy, coke, LSD, mushrooms, Special K, Disco Biscuits, Love Doves -- you name it, I tried it. I was an addict. I knew it and so did everyone around me. But in the mad world of addictions, awareness is not nearly enough. And I knew that too."

I listened to Roy tell his story. He was short and gentle, with a trace of a lisp that he had obviously worked on. He was smart -- very smart -- and put together too. No one would have chosen him out of a lineup of drug addicts.

He spoke matter-of-factly, without crescendo of mood or affect. But his background is inconsequential. Suffice it to say, he grew up without love, without boundaries, and with questions that he couldn't ask, nor anyone to ask them to. As is so often the case, he dropped out of high school, ran with the wrong crowd and the downward slope was slick and swift. In retrospect, his drug dependence should really have surprised no one.

Although addictions experts agree that "cure" is a four letter word, Roy has been "clean" for more than a dozen years.

Roy's story is not over, but already it has a happy ending. Although addictions experts agree that "cure" is a four letter word in this dreadful and frightening labyrinth of pain and confusion, Roy, incredibly, has been "clean" for more than a dozen years. Today he spends a hefty portion of his time counseling kids who find solace in the same sordid dens of hallucinogens and amphetamines that Roy called "home" when he had no other. They call it payback.

We sat for over two hours that Wednesday afternoon, and while he had come to seek my counsel on an unrelated matter, it was I who walked away with newfound understanding and a profound insight.

I remember my fascination as I listened to his heroic tale of recovery but I wondered why he seemed to gloss over the details of his miraculous healing. In describing his rapid descent to a raging netherworld, Roy proved more than capable of being quite the master raconteur, reporting every tragic twist and turn in 3D Technicolor and all of its sad glory. But as he neared the end of his vivid and astonishing account of complete lifestyle reversal, I realized that he had never really explained how it all came about.

"What transpired that gave him the strength to give up drugs?"

"Who was it that impacted him so much, that he was able to halt his awful spiral forever?"

And why was he uncomfortable in sharing it with me?"

Roy took a deep breath. "You are quite right. My condensed report was quite intentional. I've told my story many, many times and after a while I began to notice that no one really understood. I've explained my very abrupt turnaround, but people just don't seem to get it -- so I switched to the new abbreviated format."

I accepted his words as a challenge and asked him to try again. He did.

"Okay. So I was at this NA (Narcotics Anonymous) meeting one night. It was during the darkest of days. All I knew was speed and crack. It took over my whole life. No, it WAS my life. One hit to the next hit. There truly was nothing else. It's hard to imagine if you've never been there.

"But someone convinced me to go to a meeting. 'Just try it,' he said. 'You can walk out any time you want.'

"So they went around the room and told their stories. They were awful -- every one of them. And I heard myself in them. It was weird. My turn came to speak, but I passed. I wanted to talk, but I was afraid I would cry. 'Some other time,' I mumbled.

"And then the fellow next to me began his sick story. I don't even remember it, but it was bad -- real bad... like ‘my neighborhood' bad. But after a few minutes, he declared that he was currently completely clean of all drugs and had been for nearly five years! Considering how deep he had been in, that was quite a shocking statement. At that point, my ears really perked up.

I looked in the mirror and saw death. Then I said the six most important words I have ever uttered. 'You don't have to do drugs.'

"'And I'll tell you how I did it,' he said. 'It may sound strange, but one day I was washing my hands in the bathroom. I splashed my face with the water and looked in the mirror. I saw death. I stared at myself for a long time and then I said the six most important words I have ever uttered. You don't have to do drugs.'

"And with that, the man sat down. That was it. I remember feeling numb. You don't have to do drugs. The meeting ended soon thereafter. I walked all the way home repeating those half-witted, yet oddly magical words over and over. You don't have to do drugs.

"Believe it or not, it was an option that I had never considered. So immersed was I in this dreaded disease that I couldn't even fathom anything else. Not doing drugs was, I guess, like not breathing. It just couldn't be done. But when this guy, who was as deeply into it as I was, said those words -- he bowled me over like a locomotive.

"I walked in the door, gathered my brave family, and announced in a very loud voice, 'I DON'T HAVE TO DO DRUGS.' They probably snickered in total disbelief, but I have not inhaled, injected, snorted, or swallowed a narcotic since that day. You probably don't really understand what I have just told you, but that is my story."

I looked at Roy in silence. He was right. I didn't really understand. How could I? Isn't it obvious that nobody has to do drugs? Could he not see that doing drugs was a choice he had made for himself? And how could this most obvious, perhaps even trite declaration be miraculously transformed into some kind of mystical and ameliorative mantra?

Well, one thing is for sure. Despite all my lack of understanding and staggering questions, it did work. It worked for that man at the meeting and it worked for Roy. How?

Maybe full comprehension of this enigmatic "cure" is reserved for those unfortunate enough to need it. If that's the case, I'll gladly forego my interest. But perhaps a similar thought will offer us a partial understanding of this strangely effective tool.

Rabbi Matisyahu Salomon, of Gateshead and Lakewood renown, once offered a similarly startling yet simplistic insight in discussing the sin of listening to lashon hara, slanderous talk. So many of us frequently chance upon a good, juicy tidbit of gossip. We're not looking for it, but the opportunity presents itself in totally innocent fashion -- at a dinner or a wedding or a ballgame or just in the middle of a nice shmooze.

Gross or lurid stories about people we know are often so beyond the pale that many of us eschew the conversation -- by tuning out or changing the topic. No problem. But the discussion could be completely benign -- about a matter that is either silly, irrelevant or totally unimportant -- and suddenly a negative comment or association is communicated. And the damage has been done.

The root of this scourge, says Rabbi Salomon, is plain old curiosity. And the remedy is a simple six word strain, "I don't have to know everything!"

We frequently forget that the power of choice is always with us.

For many people, that little unsophisticated proclamation can be a volcanic jolt. Not knowing what is happening all around them, in glorious detail no less, is indeed unfathomable. For some, it may practically be akin to not breathing. They live to satisfy their insatiable need to know everything about everybody. How sad.

I think that what it boils down to is essentially man's innate ability to choose. God's greatest gift to humankind is choice. Unlike the animal kingdom who responds only to their instinct, man possesses the capacity to think through his options and make a reasonable decision. This is not to say that he always does that -- far from it. But he can.

What happens is that we frequently forget that the power of choice is always with us. We get so caught up in old behavior patterns and instinctive reactions, that we fail to consider that we REALLY DON'T HAVE TO DO IT THAT WAY. The recognition of that reality can be liberating, exhilarating, and incredibly powerful. And the accompanying potential for genuine and lasting change is limitless.

It doesn't really matter what our particular habit, vice, or addiction is. For some it is drugs, for others it is gossip. It could be food, the internet, sarcasm, or just wasting time. We all have negative behavior patterns of some size, shape, or personality.

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About the Author

Rabbi Yaakov Salomon, C.S.W. is a noted psychotherapist, in private practice in Brooklyn, N.Y. for over 25 years. He is a Senior Lecturer and the Creative Director of Aish Hatorah's Discovery Productions. He is also an editor and author for the Artscroll Publishing Series and a member of the Kollel of Yeshiva Torah Vodaath.

In these marvelous stories -- brimming with wit, understanding, a touch of irony and a large helping of authentic Torah perspective -- we will walk with a renowned and experienced psychotherapist and popular author through the pathways of contemporary life: its crowded sidewalks, its pedestrian malls, and the occasional dead end street. This is a walk through our lives that will be fun, entertaining -- and eye-opening. In our full -- sometimes overfull -- and complex lives, Yaakov Salomon is a welcome and much-needed voice of sanity and reason.

His speaking, writing and musical talents have delighted audiences from Harvard to Broadway and everything in between. Rabbi Salomon shares his life with his wife, Temmy, and their unpredictable family.

Visitor Comments: 27

(27)
yoyo,
August 20, 2012 5:47 PM

Unfortunately it is not that simple. It may work for the select few, but to truly recover one needs to delve into the problem. Thats why the 12 step program actually works. If you go through a program or counselor who goes through each step IN DEPTH you'll come to a realization that you are powerless. I know plenty of people, unfortunately, who have used drugs, and only those who have went to the right program, such as torah and the twelve steps in miami, where its main focus is the 12 steps along with spirituality, have remained clean and sober..

(26)
Judith,
July 12, 2009 2:33 PM

Free Choice

Thank you for this article. I think its message is powerful.
It's sad to read in the comments some of the prevalent counterproductive views being pushed out there. Yes of course, if addictions are viewed as diseases and compared to diabetes etc. then the article is meaningless. A diabetic can't look in the mirror and decide he won't be a diabetic anymore. The AA industry and all its permutations push a disease model which makes no sense but makes lots of people feel good - hey, if it's a disease like diabetes, then it has nothing to do with my choices and it's not my fault. Their entire approach makes no sense - where are the DA - "Diabetes Anonymous" programs where those with diabetes can "admit their powerlessness" etc. and overcome their sugar problem? They don't exist because diabetes is an illness and overeating, smoking, drinking, taking drugs, gambling etc. are CHOICES.
In another comment someone recommends Stanton Peele's book. I read a different book of his where he shows how the disease model is ridiculous. He shows that AA claims to be the only method that works which just isn't true. Their success rate is exaggerated. Most people just stop drinking to excess or stop doing drugs, on their own. It's a miserable industry that convinces people that they are sick and that they will never recover, that they have to view themselves as diseased and damaged for the rest of their lives. It's an approach that goes to counter to Torah. As Maimonides notes, if we don't have free choice, we can't be held responsible for our actions. Powerlessness is the antithesis to free choice.

(25)
Anonymous,
July 7, 2009 7:12 PM

my story

Similar to the addict you wrote about, I never considered not using drugs. But at the age of 53 I kicked a 35 year heroin habit, and it has been 8 years since I've used any drug, and in NA we consider alcohol just another drug. But I am very clear how this happened, it was a gift, a miracle from HaShem. There is no other explanation.

(24)
Anonymous,
July 5, 2009 8:01 PM

In seminary, I decided to exercize my self control by not eating everything (usually of the cake & candy variety)that was offered to me (which in my dorm was pretty often!). I started saying "my body is not a garbage can" (to just dump into) & realized that I had a choice to make each time.

(23)
Tzvi,
July 5, 2009 2:10 PM

Song Line

One of the greatest sound bytes I have ever heard was from a song written by a friend of mine in Yerushalayim. The line goes, "You make love to your cigarettes- you're a slave to alcohol. Why not try inhaling G-d, He's the greatest addiction of all". Having grown up in public school and now as a teacher in an urban public high school, I can tell you that addiction to Torah and Hashem is the healthiest high and the greatest rush. As the Torah states, "U'bacharta b'chayim"- and you shall choose life. Watching my daughters pretend to daven, listening to my older little 3 year old girl sing "Shalom Aleichem" on Friday night- no pipe, needle, or powder can come within a mile of that. Hearing my mother say that she loves the way my wife and I are raising our kids- that's a high. May Hashem grant you to inspire many more people to find the greatest addiction that exists- Torah-AMEN, KAYN Y'HI RATZON!!!

(22)
Herbert,
January 3, 2008 3:09 PM

Didn't Work

I, like Roy, splashed water on my face and then i looked in the mirror but unlike Roy i didnt see death, i saw Owen Wilson. Instead of saying "i dont have to do drugs," i said "I want to do more drugs" and now because of a comment made on this article i have added a new addiction to my long list - Addiction to HaShem. Thank U Rabbi.

(21)
Anonymous,
August 2, 2006 12:00 AM

Since I chair a group "Jewish Recovery Network of MA" I found your article very well written. Thank you for including it in your "Spirituality program"

(20)
Anonymous,
July 29, 2006 12:00 AM

Ineeded this article....

I AM SLIGHTLY ADDICTED TO FOOD, WASTING TIME... THANX FOR IDENTIFYING IT... IT DOESNT HAVE TO BE THAT WAY... IS IT ALLRIGHT TO BE ADDICTED To Ha SHEM..?

(19)
Lei-Anne,
July 27, 2006 12:00 AM

thank you for the timely reminder

too often we want to know the personal details of someone we have recently become to know - whether through a sense of "wanting to know the complete person" or perhaps through an innate sense of "nosiness" - thank you for the reminder that our love (in the "agape" sense) does not need or warrant such an intrusion into someone's deeply personal life, but that we should more often trust in our "gut sense" and accept our fellow man/woman as a real person

(18)
Anonymous,
July 26, 2006 12:00 AM

Well put.

Well put, we always see these things as being a problem of someone else. Well, this is a wake up call, we all could use a good splash in the face and then looking in the mirror to truly see what it is we should and more imporatntly CAN change. When you decide to change and go in the direction of Gd, you are given special help. You are never alone. May we all have the strength to realise such and bring Moshiach speedily in our days.

(17)
devorah,
July 26, 2006 12:00 AM

Different addictions

Thank you for pointing out near the end of your excellent article that addictions come in many shapes and forms-- it helped me to realize that I don't have to waste time. Thank you, and kol tuv.

(16)
Anonymous,
July 25, 2006 12:00 AM

Thank you for this article.

I just want to say thank you for your wisdom. I am going to print this and give it to my brother. Could you please write more articles regarding addiction?

(15)
raisy,
July 25, 2006 12:00 AM

book

I recomment Dr. Stanton Peele's book "Seven Steps to Overcome Addictions". He writes about developing a strong set of values as a strategy. He also debunks a lot of the ideas about addictions in vogue today.

(14)
Shoshi,
July 25, 2006 12:00 AM

that was amazing

Mr. Solomon's way of presenting this issue is so important and a great way of thinking about the topic of lashon hora at any time, but especially during the 3 weeks. Thank you for presenting it!

(13)
Sam S,
July 25, 2006 12:00 AM

Thank you for Anonymous comments

It may be wonderful for Roy to stop using just with a phase. For most addicts like myself one has to surrender to one powerlessness over drugs. I could not have maintained my 7 years of clean time without the fellowship of NA, my sponsor, working the 12 steps and HAShem's help. Torah and Yiddishkeit are part of it as you need a Higher Power in your life, but one must avoid people, places and things, accept advice, do service in NA, and attend meetings regularly. Organizations such as JACS offer help and info on how to integrate the principles of NA or AA and Judaism. Addicts still active and those of us in recovery need to do both NA and Torah. Sam S

(12)
RonnieRay,
July 24, 2006 12:00 AM

without God it is impossible to recover completely

If God is not Number 1 in your life-then full recovery from addiction is not possible.

(11)
hana,
July 24, 2006 12:00 AM

have book

wonderful inspiring story that certainly helped me. bought the book 'what the angel taught you' feel like a new person, thank you all, hana

(10)
Anonymous,
July 24, 2006 12:00 AM

a matter of clarity

While I appreciate the story, I must point something out; different from other negative choices, addiction is viewed by professionals and experts as a disease. That is why it is so often difficult to just "decide" not to use, as many addicts will testify.Personally, I suffered from the disease of addiction for 35 years, and have been clean now for 5 years, Baruch HaShem. It was not until I surrendered to the fact that I had a disease and was unable to control my using, that I was able to get clean. It took me a long time to wrap my mind around the statement in NA literature that as long as we think we can control our drug use we cannot stop; but as soon as we admit we are powerless, we never have to use again. But like most addicts in recovery, it has been proven by the miracle in my life.

(9)
Joey,
July 23, 2006 12:00 AM

I remember once having an argument with someone, and being angry, and thinking how I would have to be holding a grudge now and snub them all the next day---when it occurred to me that, no, wait, I don't. I can move on and forget about it. I found this to be a very liberating moment. Now, perhaps, I should exercise that ability on my computer addiction...

(8)
David Solomon,
July 23, 2006 12:00 AM

It reminds us of our G-d-given "gift"--choice.

Early-on,I anticipated learning a secret that would help me, first, this fall when I begin a two-semester practicum for the MFT Program, second,next year when I'd begin a 12-month internship leading to a Master's in Marriage anf Family Therapy. Raabbi Salomnon's being a psychotherapist was clearly evident. Interestingly, I have delved into operatic singing and songwriting in my earlier life: I am age 76. 76 and going to school? Yes, I plan to "go out" trying to still make a difference in the lives of the hurting and confused: I've known deep hurt and confusion.Thank you, Rabbi Salomon, for a valuable resource.

(7)
Jeff Heiple,
July 23, 2006 12:00 AM

Profound

What a great reminder of my own lack of control within my life. I relinquish control to others, events, old thoughts, and even old habits. I pray for the wisdom to see my life anew, without the constraints of previous choices and past history. Thank you for this reminder. Blessings and peace.

(6)
Anonymous,
July 23, 2006 12:00 AM

what really happened here

"Well, one thing is for sure. Despite all my lack of understanding and staggering questions, it did work. It worked for that man at the meeting and it worked for Roy. How?Maybe full comprehension of this enigmatic "cure" is reserved for those unfortunate enough to need it. If that's the case, I'll gladly forego my interest. But perhaps a similar thought will offer us a partial understanding of this strangely effective tool."After the above quote, the Rabbi talks about choice. I feel that the real essence of how this works is still not revealed in this article, so I want to briefly explain my understanding of it. People who are in the kind of matzav (situation) described in thearticle, are beyond choice. They have no power of choice. There comes a point where it’s simply gone. What happened to Roy was not that he simply woke up and realized he could choose; rather that the power of Hashem (God/the Higher Power) in the room with the meeting reached into him and saved him from the life of no choice and returned him to the ability to live without drugs. That’s what really happened. No time to explain how this applies to everyone, except that we can all give in to the yetzer hara (drive to do bad) to the point that it rules us and we no longer have the power of choice. And then, only Hashem can save us. --one who knows

(5)
Sarah,
July 23, 2006 12:00 AM

futher commrnent on lashon harah

Not only should we say 'I don't need to know everything', but also the person with a juicy bit of information should say 'I don't need to TELL everything'. This is especially true in a husband wife relationshup. If a friend confides in you something, you do not HAVE to tell your husband, the world will not implode if you do not share that piece of information, and you could conceivably go to your grave having never uttered it to anyone else. That is what earns you real merit in Olam Habah.

(4)
Anonymous,
July 23, 2006 12:00 AM

cut

I don't have to cut myself, overeat, know everything. Powerful article....thank you so much.

(3)
Gavriel,
July 23, 2006 12:00 AM

Word Power

As a hexitating teenager, I've experienced abuse by a teacher. It all started with the (black)magic words "I am a bissexual". If my teacher could be, than it may not be that bad, I foolishly thought. But Baruch Hashem, through HaShem's help and the jewish organization JONAH (Jews Offer New Alternatives for Homossexuality), I've listened to words filled of TRUTH wich helped me get out of that unfulfilling nocious life. "People CAN change". Teshuvah is a mitsvah - it is attaineble. My good magic words were the words of Torah, in particular the words of the Selichot prayer of chodesh Elul and Yom HaKipurim. "Anenu, Maguen Avraham, Anenu" (Answer us, the Shield of Avraham, Answer us).

(2)
Anonymous,
July 23, 2006 12:00 AM

thank you

i really need to hear that experience, strength and hope today.it is really a gift how He gives us the things we need to hear.

(1)
Beverly Kurtin, Ph.D.,
July 23, 2006 12:00 AM

WOW!

What a wonderful insight into how simple it can be to change one's life with just a simple thought. "I don't have to do." There are so many ways those few words can be applied to one's life.I own my own business, it is called "Choices That Count." I plan to use that phrase in not only my own business, but in my daily life. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for that revelation.Like most sales people, I get a bit nervous when calling to make appointments. Nobody likes to be rejected. But it isn't personal, I know that. So I don't have to be apprehensive before making calls. Wow! What freedom!Thanks again.

I just got married and have an important question: Can we eat rice on Passover? My wife grew up eating it, and I did not. Is this just a matter of family tradition?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

The Torah instructs a Jew not to eat (or even possess) chametz all seven days of Passover (Exodus 13:3). "Chametz" is defined as any of the five grains (wheat, spelt, barley, oats, and rye) that came into contact with water for more than 18 minutes. Chametz is a serious Torah prohibition, and for that reason we take extra protective measures on Passover to prevent any mistakes.

Hence the category of food called "kitniyot" (sometimes referred to generically as "legumes"). This includes rice, corn, soy beans, string beans, peas, lentils, peanuts, mustard, sesame seeds and poppy seeds. Even though kitniyot cannot technically become chametz, Ashkenazi Jews do not eat them on Passover. Why?

Products of kitniyot often appear like chametz products. For example, it can be hard to distinguish between rice flour (kitniyot) and wheat flour (chametz). Also, chametz grains may become inadvertently mixed together with kitniyot. Therefore, to prevent confusion, all kitniyot were prohibited.

In Jewish law, there is one important distinction between chametz and kitniyot. During Passover, it is forbidden to even have chametz in one's possession (hence the custom of "selling chametz"). Whereas it is permitted to own kitniyot during Passover and even to use it - not for eating - but for things like baby powder which contains cornstarch. Similarly, someone who is sick is allowed to take medicine containing kitniyot.

What about derivatives of kitniyot - e.g. corn oil, peanut oil, etc? This is a difference of opinion. Many will use kitniyot-based oils on Passover, while others are strict and only use olive or walnut oil.

Finally, there is one product called "quinoa" (pronounced "ken-wah" or "kin-o-ah") that is permitted on Passover even for Ashkenazim. Although it resembles a grain, it is technically a grass, and was never included in the prohibition against kitniyot. It is prepared like rice and has a very high protein content. (It's excellent in "cholent" stew!) In the United States and elsewhere, mainstream kosher supervision agencies certify it "Kosher for Passover" -- look for the label.

Interestingly, the Sefardi Jewish community does not have a prohibition against kitniyot. This creates the strange situation, for example, where one family could be eating rice on Passover - when their neighbors will not. So am I going to guess here that you are Ashkenazi and your wife is Sefardi. Am I right?

Yahrtzeit of Rabbi Moses ben Nachman (1194-1270), known as Nachmanides, and by the acronym of his name, Ramban. Born in Spain, he was a physician by trade, but was best-known for authoring brilliant commentaries on the Bible, Talmud, and philosophy. In 1263, King James of Spain authorized a disputation (religious debate) between Nachmanides and a Jewish convert to Christianity, Pablo Christiani. Nachmanides reluctantly agreed to take part, only after being assured by the king that he would have full freedom of expression. Nachmanides won the debate, which earned the king's respect and a prize of 300 gold coins. But this incensed the Church: Nachmanides was charged with blasphemy and he was forced to flee Spain. So at age 72, Nachmanides moved to Jerusalem. He was struck by the desolation in the Holy City -- there were so few Jews that he could not even find a minyan to pray. Nachmanides immediately set about rebuilding the Jewish community. The Ramban Synagogue stands today in Jerusalem's Old City, a living testimony to his efforts.

It's easy to be intimidated by mean people. See through their mask. Underneath is an insecure and unhappy person. They are alienated from others because they are alienated from themselves.

Have compassion for them. Not pity, not condemning, not fear, but compassion. Feel for their suffering. Identify with their core humanity. You might be able to influence them for the good. You might not. Either way your compassion frees you from their destructiveness. And if you would like to help them change, compassion gives you a chance to succeed.

It is the nature of a person to be influenced by his fellows and comrades (Rambam, Hil. De'os 6:1).

We can never escape the influence of our environment. Our life-style impacts upon us and, as if by osmosis, penetrates our skin and becomes part of us.

Our environment today is thoroughly computerized. Computer intelligence is no longer a science-fiction fantasy, but an everyday occurrence. Some computers can even carry out complete interviews. The computer asks questions, receives answers, interprets these answers, and uses its newly acquired information to ask new questions.

Still, while computers may be able to think, they cannot feel. The uniqueness of human beings is therefore no longer in their intellect, but in their emotions.

We must be extremely careful not to allow ourselves to become human computers that are devoid of feelings. Our culture is in danger of losing this essential aspect of humanity, remaining only with intellect. Because we communicate so much with unfeeling computers, we are in danger of becoming disconnected from our own feelings and oblivious to the feelings of others.

As we check in at our jobs, and the computer on our desk greets us with, "Good morning, Mr. Smith. Today is Wednesday, and here is the agenda for today," let us remember that this machine may indeed be brilliant, but it cannot laugh or cry. It cannot be happy if we succeed, or sad if we fail.

Today I shall...

try to remain a human being in every way - by keeping in touch with my own feelings and being sensitive to the feelings of others.

With stories and insights,
Rabbi Twerski's new book Twerski on Machzor makes Rosh Hashanah prayers more meaningful. Click here to order...