Tag Archives: Pope Benedict

So last year we asked the not-new-anymore Pope to cool it on the whole Mafia-bashing, mostly because we don’t want them to put a hit out on Francis. He hasn’t gotten rid of nearly enough creepy John Paul II and Benedict XIV-appointed archbishops to ensure that a cool New New Pope would ascend. But Pope Francis did not listen to us, and yesterday he excommunicated the Mafia en masse.
Read more on Pope Francis Just Kicked The Entire Mafia Straight Out The Catholic Church…

Oh boy, here we go! This week may have started out all “slow-newsy-snoozey” but never fear, wonketteers! The fabulous ruby-slippered Pope’s retirement has become embroiled in a scandal described with words like “seething hotbed of intrigue and infighting.” What? Oh yes! Let the hunt for all double entendres possible commence!
A potentially explosive report has linked the resignation of Pope Benedict XVI to the discovery of a network of gay prelates in the Vatican, some of whom – the report said – were being blackmailed by outsiders.
The pope’s spokesman declined to confirm or deny the report, which was carried by the Italian daily newspaper La Repubblica.
Declined to confirm or deny? Well that just begs for some rampant speculation — and innuendo, don’t forget that part — and let’s try to figure out what happened besides the obvious, which is that gays and their gayness ruin everything. Read more on Let’s All Blame The Gays For The Pope’s Retirement…

So, as you know, the Pope went all Brave Sir Robin today, but apparently it is very, very uncivil to make jokes about The Impressive Clergyman, or to mention that the institution he has led since 2005 has had a bit of a problem with kiddy-diddling priests. Almost as soon as the news was announced, there was a second wave of blog posts decrying the mean, terrible, awful things that “leftists” were saying about the Pope, because leftists and secularists are monsters. Our working theory is that, since it’s been 600 years since a Pope departed St. Peter’s any other way than feet-first, then saying unkind things about a man in a dress quitting his job is exactly as offensive as mocking the dead. So, please, people, a little respect — Ratzi isn’t even in the ground yet! (And it will be awfully hard for them to dig the grave if too many of us have already pissed on the spot.) Read more on ‘Leftists’ Say Mean Things About Saintly Pope: A Children’s Treasury Of Instant Butthurt…

Pope Benedict’s trip to England started on a sort of racist, not-helpful note. But the Big XVI has recovered, and he even told the Limey newspaper men that you know, isn’t it a pity the Church was able to suppress allegations of child abuse for so long?
Read more on Pope Admits Maybe the Church Has Been Just a Bit Rapey…

Nazi Pope Joseph Ratzinger flew on his supervillain pope-plane to Portugal and said a few words about the decades-long child-rape scandal destroying the Vatican Mafia’s global bullshit business. This is apparently a big deal, that Ratzinger sort of half-ass acknowledged that priests and bishops raping children and the highest officials in the Catholic Church engineering massive international cover-ups might be kind of a rotten situation. He’s the best pope ever, for saying this! He didn’t even blame the newspapers and the homosexuals and the Devil and the liberals this time, specifically, the way his creepoid henchmen did during the Easter week “festivities.” Read more on Pope Finally Manages To Vaguely Admit Catholic Church Child Rape Might Be a Bad Thing…

Kind of a weird week in Condiland! She had to threaten her staff again, had an awkward moment with Madeleine Albright, and endured the embarrassment of standing idly by as the Pope got kissed by — ew! — Nancy Pelosi. And that was really kind of it! So let’s flesh things out the way real journalists do: by making things up! See the pictures and feel the magic, after the jump!
Read more on Condi Meets Pope, Goes To Iraq, Grows Antlers…