Sexy Men and Hungry Women

Many moons ago, I noticed that men have an interesting and active relationship with sex. They want it, they want more of it, they talk about it, fantasize about it, buy it, take it, and might even become a bit obsessed about it. Sex looms large in a man’s psyche, and this doesn’t seem to be a secret. Advertisers love to use this neuropsychological fact to entice men to buy stuff, and women know a thing or two about working this part of a man’s operating system to get him to do just about anything.

Oddly enough, the equivalent for women is food.

Tell me if you believe otherwise, but women will fantasize about food, eat it, talk about eating it, talk about not eating it, analyze why they ate it, lament that they can’t eat more, and try to figure out how they can eat more food or less food and still be happy and still lose weight. Once again, advertisers are the main experts in understanding this aspect of a woman’s neurobiology – they love selling high fat, high sweet foods to entice a woman’s senses, and then they aim their marketing machinery at selling low fat, low calorie artificially sweetened fare to help them slim down.

So, if I were to sum it all up, I’d simply say “men and sex, women and food.” And I’d wonder out loud – is this inborn, is this a product of culture and upbringing, and where do we go from here? Of course, not every man and woman falls neatly into these categories, if at all. But to ignore these powerful connections that occur across a wide expanse guys and gals would be a missed opportunity.

From a standpoint of culture and how it influences male and female, I believe a useful distinction is this: women are seen as sex objects, men are seen as success objects. For men, value is often given in who they are, how much cash they make, and how much power they wield. Guys who have the money and the position are seen as hot commodities and sought after by the fairer sex. And indeed, they are often rewarded for a having a healthy bank account by receiving actual sex.

For the women of the world that our culture reduces to sex objects, food becomes extra important. Why? Well, the more food you eat, the fatter you may become, and the fatter you are, the less value you have as a sex object, which means the less likely you are to receive the attention of men, which means the less chance you will have of finding real love, commitment and partnership. Or so the underlying thinking goes. Have you noticed how so many women will juggle their food intake, exercise amount, fat grams, desserts, and do everything to regulate their appetite – all with the intent to manage the dreaded possibility of body fat?

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Just as the media and the culture have men by the balls in measuring their worth by how much money and how many chicks they’ve banked, so too do they have women by the ovaries in measuring their worth by weight. The hidden side of feminine culture, of the inner life of women and girls, is a powerful and intense struggle to conform to some arbitrary standard of slenderness. The result is a host of unwanted behaviors, such as under eating, which leads to overeating and binge-eating, bulimia, compulsive eating, as well as chronic dieting, which often leads to nutrient deficiency, fatigue, mood swings, brain fog, low immunity, depression, and oddly enough, weight gain.

So what’s the solution?

I believe a first step is simply a compassionate understanding and acknowledgment of these dynamics. For women, their special connection to food seems inborn – they grow and feed babies in the womb, and naturally nourish them when they pop out into the world.

Women and food are timelessly and genetically and perhaps even spiritually linked.

What a beautiful thing. Yet when this natural relationship with food is distorted, a woman’s life can become a silent hell. I know them, I see them in my practice, they’re my friends, my companions, even my own mother.

Perhaps a second step is to notice our own minds, our judgments of others, our self- judgments, and begin to take responsibility for what we believe. And as best we can, why not tone down the intensity at which we broadcast old and outdated ways of seeing each other. So much of the activity of the human mind is focused on how we criticize and “curse” ourselves, and the planet. What if we spent more time “blessing” one another, and upholding the dignity of who we really are? What would happen if our life force was directed not towards our invented shortcomings, but our sweetest potential? I think the men of the world would naturally feel more powerful and less needy for sex, and the women of the world would feel a profound sense of nourishment, and would happily eat as they please.

Are there are any particular insights you would like to share around women and food/men and sex?

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As usual, another fabulous article, Marc. Thanks for all that you do and for being a great mentor! I highly recommend your training to all…very insightful and worth every penny!

erica fritch

i loved the passage in Nourishing Wisdom that talks about women’s drive to nourish as being equivalent to men’s sex drive. so brilliant, and so obvious once stated, but i had never come across it before.
thanks for all the amazing insights and inspiring words.

Dominique

I greatly enjoy and appreciate your thoughts and your work, Mr. David. You are doing a great service.

The biological and cultural influences on our relationship with sex and food are undeniable, and quite potent. I offer that it would be helpful to focus moreso on encouraging our (male/female) similarities and development of balance in that regard than to continue to reinforce such stark differences, and approaching healing as if we are such differing beings. This keeps coming up for me when I listen to your lectures (PSC certification). I hear that you are encouraging balance overall, and I breathe through my resistance of the delivery to hear the spirit of your message, because it is needed in this world. If I am off base, I am open to your thoughts if you ever read this.

If we as humans are an evolving species growing toward realization of unity consciousness, it seems men and women, collectively, are being called to develop the “other half” of ourselves (the masculine/feminine essence within). The male fixation with sex being a deep call to nurturing (to explore and express the feminine), and the female fixation on food being a displaced desire to be empowered in sexuality and physically (as men are, albeit for some, to an extreme). Rather than seeing our selves as products of biology and culture, here to maintain population and status quo, we can begin to see ourselves as beings of consciousness on a path of realization and transcendence.

http://psychologyofeating.com Marc David

Concerning your comment Dominique – thanks for your thoughtfulness. I agree with you. And at the same time, I believe that we, as women and men, are healing at a level that requires different dimensions of work for different people. I believe that the path of healing and wholeness for men and women have some clear similarities, and some clear differences. I’m all for celebrating both. I feel that many men are still being called to evolve into their higher masculine essence, while women are being called to evolve into their higher feminine essence. WIthout a firm grounding in ones natural polarity, any forays to incorporate the other polarity will likely have some limits.

Linda Zbigley

Quite a depth of response for you, Dominique and you, Marc. I have had the philosophy that with age men and women tend to take on more of a balance of masculine and feminine, and that doing so in laudible. But you give me pause, to consider the possibility of going further into my femaleness even at 65. As you mentioned in your blog, women nourish, and men provide. So it was with my parents. My mother at 93 still takes delight in creating a meal and treats for her children and brother.

About The Author

Marc David

Founder

Marc David is the Founder of the Institute for the Psychology of Eating, a leading visionary, teacher and consultant in Nutritional Psychology, and the author of the classic and best-selling works Nourishing Wisdom and
The Slow Down Diet.

His work has been featured on CNN, NBC and numerous media outlets. His books have been translated into over 10 languages, and his approach appeals to a wide audience of eaters who are looking for fresh, inspiring and innovative messages about food, body and soul.

He lectures internationally, and has held senior consulting positions at Canyon Ranch Resorts, the Kripalu Center for Yoga and Health, the Johnson & Johnson Corporation, and the Disney Company. Marc is also the co-founder of the Institute for Conscious Sexuality and Relationship.