How to have a happy division of labour at home

Last week, my husband and I had a row about housework. Nothing out of the ordinary there – after all, figures compiled by the Institute of Public Policy Research (IPPR) reveal that eight out of 10 married women do seven or more hours of housework a week, with 45% of women putting in a whopping 13 hours a week (that's nearly two whole working days) in what Arlie Russell Hochschild astutely termed 'the second shift' in her book of the same name.

More recently, Dr Clare Lyonette, from the Institute for Employment Research, conducted a study that prompted her to comment: "There's certainly a fairer division of household labour between couples than in the past but inequality still exists."

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So I suppose I should have been grateful that my other half was, in fact, risking life and limb in the garden lopping branches off an unruly apple tree. I was picking up dog poo (never let it be said the life of a freelance journalist is anything less than wall-to-wall glamour). While I was doing this equally essential but far less wow-factor task, it crystalised to me how unfair the division of labour is in most households. Taming a tree is adventurous and fun; all roaring chainsaws and sawdust-strewn hair, and makes for an impressive anecdote over lunch. Women are more likely responsible for the essential but 'invisible' daily endeavours that mean life ticks over in a state of reasonable hygiene but nobody ever mentions. 'Good job with the poo bags, lady!' Nope – never heard it. Relationship expert Susan Quilliam, Relate ambassador and author of How to Choose a Partner sheds some light:

"This [the household division of labour] is an absolutely classic problem – there is a huge mismatch between what men and women do, even in this supposedly enlightened age. That's despite the fact that maintaining where you live should be a joint project. Essentially we still need to undermine the deep-seated belief that housework is, in the main, women's work. We really need to get under the skin of all the old preconceptions and challenge them."

Here's how to split up household chores so everyone is happy:

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1. Make a list

Write down the list of chores to be done on a daily and weekly basis and divide up the list. "Try to be fair about the more fun jobs, such putting up pictures, which add to the general aesthetic of your home and are infinitely more appealing than bleaching the loo," says Susan. And understand that whatever job you do, it all contributes. "My husband laughs when I get the vacuum cleaner out for the second time each day, pointing out for all the manic Hoovering I'm quite happy to leave a cobweb hanging," says Abigail Lewis, 29, a full-time mum. "But we have a baby and a toddler and I don't want them playing on a dirty rug. My response is, "Well, the kids don't sit on the ceiling."

2. Give praise where praise is due

"There is a belief by some women – and our study shows it's still rife – that men are unable to complete housework to an acceptable standard," says Dr Lyonette. There's nothing more dispiriting than having someone (you) swoop in and re-do a task your partner feels he's done perfectly well – why would he bother again if you're just going to do it yourself anyway? "Women know their contribution to the household should be fairly reflected in the sharing of housework and are often frustrated by their lack of success in changing the situation – but their frustrations are to some extent mollified by the idea that men are inept at domestic chores," says Dr Lyonette. In other words, ladies, we're our own worst enemies. Let good enough be good enough!

3. Try not to resort to nagging

It's ineffective and belittling. "What happens here is that being the 'nagged partner' becomes part of their identity," says Susan. "They get to roll their eyes and say, 'Here she goes again.' Then they dig their heels in and it becomes a vicious circle. Nagging as a strategy rarely works. Instead, play the long game. Praise the desired behaviour (vacuuming, cleaning the bathroom) and turn a blind eye to the bits not done quite to your exacting standards."

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4. Change tactics

If you have a particularly housework-resistant partner, you can always grit your teeth and down tools, says Susan. "Bear in mind that men generally have a higher threshold for mess and dirt than woman so you really might have to buckle in for this one. When he gets to the point where he's really noticing the state of the house, he'll probably start to have a better appreciation of what you do on a daily basis to keep on top of things. It's worth a try!"

5. Re-assess your expectations

Be realistic about what you can both achieve over the course of a working week. "Be kind to one another," says Susan. "If one of you has had a particularly long week at work, or a child has been ill at home, you may not have done all the chores on your list. When things are tricky, understand that anything either of you does contributes."

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