Live Your Dream: Cate Colburn-Smith

Are you ready to reach for something really huge that you never thought you could accomplish? For Cate Colburn-Smith, it was writing a book.

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It's been four and a half years since I first dreamt of writing a book, and 18 months since I began working on it in earnest. It's amazing to think that I may never have given wings to this dream I hatched, had it not been for REDBOOK's "Live Your Dream" series. And now that my book is about to be published - my dream almost airborne -- REDBOOK is giving me the opportunity to look back and share my thoughts on the experience. So here goes.

I've learned it's true: you can't have a rainbow without the rain. And so it was that my life got worse before it got better. It wasn't all that obvious initially, and it's only in the last few months that I have enough distance to recognize the progression (or should I say regression) -- a gradual but steady descent into depths I'd never known before. This probably would have happened without the Live Your Dream experience, but not as quickly, and I certainly wouldn't have recovered as dramatically and rapidly without the Dream. It's not that I was standing on a cliff ready to jump -- I didn't have the energy to climb to the cliff. I didn't have the energy to plug in and charge my electric toothbrush!

I think what happened is that I was living beyond my means, so to speak. Not financially, but emotionally and personally. I spent much more than I could afford. Working at IBM in a job that demanded my utmost business acumen and dedication, and drained my spirit. Mothering my two- and four-year-old daughters with all the love in my heart, but not enough time or patience. Forgetting to channel some of the love to my husband of eight years, never mind myself. Carving out time to work on the Dream at night after the girls went to sleep, or during precious weekend hours. Resentfully spending untold hours on my "real" job, only to be criticized for not doing enough. Feeling trapped as a primary breadwinner. Going to sleep late, then waking two or three times every night to (still!) nurse Mary, or comfort Charlotte back to sleep. Knowing I needed to put some limits in place, but lacking the strength to do anything but survive another day. Drinking only coffee from 6:30 AM to 5:00 PM, then only Chardonnay from 5:00 'til 10:00 PM. Rarely going outside, never exercising. Absolutely 'weary to my bones' (Paul Simon says it so well), sobbing regularly, and feeling like gravity was pulling me into the earth until I literally could no longer stand up. Believing that there was no other way, and that somehow, someday, the Dream would deliver me from all this!

The Dream did rescue me in a sense, but only after I rescued myself. I took a leave of absence from IBM, for which I am eternally grateful. I sought professional help from doctors, therapists, a personal trainer and registered dietician. I slept. I began exercising, eating right, and I gave up alcohol. I leaned on my husband like never before, and he was amazing -- our marriage is now better than ever. I humbly sought support and reassurance from family and friends. I prayed and prayed. All this time I was able to continue working on the Dream, which fueled me with joy, energy, confidence and hope. It amazed me that working so hard on something could be so completely rewarding and fulfilling. I discovered what it's like to do work that feeds your soul.

Maybe the contrast between the glory of the Dream and the drain and frustration of my other responsibilities (external and self-imposed) drove me to the breaking point. And thank God for that, because it's the only way I could rally, and go to any length to regain my self. In the end -- well, who knows! But for now, I've learned that I must always take care of myself, that I am capable of taking risks and living life differently, and that the reward is astounding.

So with that, I can deeply appreciate where the Dream is taking me. My book, The Milk Memos: How Real Moms Learned to Mix Business with Babies -- and How You Can Too, will be published by Tarcher/Penguin in March, 2007. With my co-author and dear friend Andrea Serrette, I've thoroughly loved the process of writing and editing the book, working with the publisher on cover and interior design, and especially (since I've been in marketing for 17 years) helping with the marketing, promotion and publicity. Still, the experience feels surreal -- too good to be true. How can I be in REDBOOK magazine, my book already on Amazon, a hundred early copies in the hands of national TV, print, web and radio producers, a TV satellite tour planned when the book launches?! Pinch me.

Now, a year and a half after starting my work with Laura Berman Fortgang (thanks to Laura and REDBOOK!), it is incredible to look back. I almost get vertigo. It's been such a long, tough journey. Looking ahead is exhilarating. I see mostly blue skies, sunshine... and maybe even a pot of gold