When Death Paid Me a Visit

This was no made-for-TV movie. It was real and shockingly happening to my life.

Pain is hard to describe in words. They don’t do it justice. Hospitals use a sophisticated scale of “1-10.” Mine was at least 11.

Thursday I was biking around Jerusalem and Tel Aviv, rushing as usual. At the end of the day, I felt a bit of lower back ache, nothing unusual for a Type-A personality like me who regularly swims, mountain bikes and does yoga. I took a bath and went to bed.

Ephraim and Esther Shore with their family

Friday I woke up and it felt worse. I got out of bed and screamed as a massive spasm suddenly seared through my lower back. I collapsed on to the bed, blinded by the pain. It was like one of those awful leg cramps but way more intense and across my whole lower back. And the pain would not let up. In fact, the spasms were getting worse and worse. I had no idea that this kind of pain existed.

The slightest movement of any part of my body magnified the daggers plunging into me. My wife had just stepped out, so I made the massive effort to focus and struggled to call an ambulance.

Over the course of the next few hours I can only remember a few moments. I wasn’t unconscious but the pain was so overwhelming it left no room whatsoever for anything else to enter my consciousness. The only words I could force out between moans of torment were “I can’t” and “Need pain killer now!” Thank God none of our kids were home to witness this. My wife rushed home and was unfortunately not spared.

After a few days, utterly spent from the unrelenting suffering, I yearned only for deliverance.

I spent the next week in varying degrees of utter agony. The back pain was only minimally alleviated by morphine and other pain killers and within a day my entire body started breaking down. Water in my lungs, enlarged spleen and kidneys, fever, my mouth so parched I couldn’t swallow. IV, catheter, and oxygen tubes invaded my body.

Now I understand viscerally how torture works. Our frail bodies are just not equipped for this degree of pain. I would have done anything to escape it. After a few days, utterly spent from the unrelenting suffering, I yearned only for deliverance, no matter where it came from.

Ephraim on the rooftop of Aish HaTorah

Doctors searched for an explanation. The usual suspects were eliminated fairly quickly. After six days, the doctors sat my family down with me and carefully offered their conclusion. “We believe you have multiple myeloma, a cancer of the blood.” They warned us not to Google it. My brother and parents flew in. My wife dropped everything and became my full time guardian and nurse.

I was transferred to the cancer ward where I was finally given the massive amounts of pain meds required to make my pain livable. Finally I was able to think of something other than my pain and it was time to come to terms with my new state in life.

I was in shock. I never thought I was the cancer type of person, if there is such a thing. I’m in good shape, eat healthy, and well, as someone who is constantly on the move, I never imagined cancer could ever tackle me. Boy, was I wrong. Two weeks prior I attended the funeral of a friend who died of cancer three weeks after his diagnosis, and that image filled my mind.

But the respite from pain was so soothing I couldn’t help but feel a certain joy of relief. Still locked to my bed, completely sapped from a week of agony that continued to revisit me in regular spasms, I had a lot to contemplate: taking a hard look at my life and the coming years of treatments, hospitals and life interrupted.

I looked out from that hospital bed onto my life…and possible death, a strange new visitor. One part of me (the exhausted, beaten down part) wanted to sink into the comfort of putting all the pain and hassles of life behind me.

But the overwhelming feeling was that I was deeply connecting with the beauty of life. I looked out the window and stared in wonder at the mountains and trees. I wanted to paint (and I don’t paint). I know this sounds cliché but for me it was profound. I suddenly saw the inherent majesty and meaning all around me. And I didn’t want to die.

I felt I had to grapple with the meaning of my illness and how I should be changing my life.

At the same time I knew that God was giving me a very heavy message. Brutally honest, personal reflection is difficult, and I was forced to stop and do it. I felt I had to grapple with the meaning of my illness and how I should be changing my life. When I thought about my life, the word that hit me was “hysteria.” Ambitious and driven at work, with wife and nine kids at home, my life is a non-stop maelstrom of running from one obligation to the next. And with all that running I seemed to be missing the point. It’s not just ‘get it all done so that it’s all done,’ a mad scramble to the finish line.

I committed that if God spares me and I have the chance to return to life again, I would not allow myself to lose sight of my ultimate goals – being aware of God in my daily life, giving my wife and kids more attention and love, appreciating what a great team of people I’m working with and what a special privilege it is to devote my life to helping the Jewish people – and not to get lost in the myriad means to reach those goals.

A Living Nightmare

I shared my room in the neurosurgery ward with eight others – the brain injured, the brain tumors, the strokes. Everyone was moaning for attention. It was a Third World setting: an understaffed ward, each person stuck in his curtained-off, five square meters, constantly encroached by everyone else’s visitors, sharing two filthy bathrooms with those lucky enough to be able to get there.

One thing we all shared in common was that we were all fighting for our lives, fighting through mountains of pain to get back to where we last stepped out of our lives.

Why? I asked myself. Why are we all fighting so desperately through life, through such sacrifice and even horror?To go back home, back to work and throw ourselves into the rat race once more? I hope not. We all instinctively know that it’s because life is precious, gorgeous, beautiful. Even if we ignore that 99% of the time.

Rabbi Noah Weinberg, zt”l, would ask people if they’d be willing to give up one of their kids for $100 million dollars. (“Come on, you’ll still have two left! What about the one who’s always kvetching?”) Naturally, no one ever replies in the affirmative.

“But think about all the pleasure you can buy with $100 million? Yachts, vacations, homes in Paris, New York and Palm Beach! Every gourmet meal imaginable!” That means, he would point out, each of our kids is worth more than $100 million. “So why aren’t we spending more time with them? Why aren’t we enjoying them?”

The culprit is not life and its endless responsibilities. The problem is with us and how we choose to experience our “mundane” (gorgeous, stunning) daily life. It’s our unwillingness to take a deep breath, send up our periscope from the depths of that hysteria and constantly remember that we’re doing all of this because of the meaning and pleasure inherent in it all. It’s far more comfortable to just get lost in the busy-ness of life than to make the ongoing effort to choose to focus on the good and genuinely love and embrace life. And every sick person fighting for his life is a testament of this truth. No one would endure such an intense battle unless they were deeply aware of the infinite value of life itself.

Retracted

After a week in the cancer ward, the doctors came to my room and informed me and my wife that there had been a misdiagnosis. I did not have myeloma! I was most likely suffering from osteomyelitis, an infection in the bones in my spine, treatable by an intense, long term treatment of antibiotics.

Looking back on this experience, I feel that God has given me one of the greatest gifts imaginable.

The wave of relief that rushed through me cannot be described in words. I was being given the gift of life again! And this wasn’t some made for television movie. It was my life.

Looking back on this experience, still taking small quantities of morphine, I feel that God has given me one of the greatest gifts imaginable. My death sentence was withdrawn and my life was renewed. Saved! A fresh start. All the benefits of a life-threatening disease without actually having to go through it.

When you check in for a couple weeks to a cancer or neurosurgery ward, chances are you’ll come out a different human being. It’s a trip worth much more than a vacation in Tahiti.

My resolutions are many and I know, naively unrealistic. Those awful weeks in the hospital taught me so much about what I like and don’t like about myself. From now on I will be stopping regularly to taste the beauty in everyday, boring, simple, undramatic (please God, no more drama!) life. I’ll be patient and ever-so-expressively grateful with my wife (who was insanely devoted to my recovery), I’ll be spending more time with my kids and truly enjoying them, I’ll enjoy my prayers and remember that I’m actually talking to the Creator of the Universe, and I’ll ask Him to help me take pleasure in my day. I’ll smile to the cashier. And I’ll dance with joy at the gift that I can do meaningful work that is helping the Jewish People and Israel.

I’m still human. All that may not all happen immediately, but I do hope some of it will stick. Not just hope – I plan on God-willing working hard on that. For now, I’m relishing the slowly receding pain in my back (I can now brush my teeth and put my own pants on!). And I’m enjoying the effort to bite my tongue when my wife drives too slowly and to smile when my kids are fighting.

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About the Author

Rabbi Ephraim Shore is the Executive Director of Aish HaTorah Jerusalem, ​a founding director and board member of HonestReporting Canada and the founder of the Jerusalem Fellowships. Prior to making aliyah, he was Executive Director of Aish Miami and Aish Toronto.

Visitor Comments: 45

(40)
Beverly Kurtin,
August 19, 2013 7:32 PM

Through the valley of death...

January 1, 1995, I had been home two days following a carotid endarterectomy (they open the artery and scrape out the gunk that has accumulated) when at 6:37pm, the right side of my face went numb and the worst headache I'd ever had hit me, then it suddenly stopped. Then it happened again and didn't stop. I picked up the phone, dialed 911 and told the operator that I needed an ambulance; I was having a stroke. She asked how I knew I was having a stroke and all I could do was garble an attempted reply. She assured me that the ambulance was on its way.Up to that point in my life, the worst pain I'd felt was during one of my heart attacks, but this exceeded the pay by a level of ten.When I presented in the ER, the nurse thought I'd been drinking because all I could do was laugh. She insisted that I had to have been drinking because all I could do was laugh. It wasn't until I went into a gran mal seizure that she realized that I wasn't a drun.After receiving 49 units of whole blood and frozen plasma, I woke up. I'll not rehearse the rest of the situation except to say that my neurologist said, "Dr. Kurtin, you are never going to walk, talk or work again. Those were the words I did not want to hear. I received NO therapy of any kind, no speech, occupational or physical therapy. When I asked later why, they told me they did not expect me to live!I returned to work in six months, doing all the things that they told me I would never do. But I had lost everything that made me a computer scientist. I could no longer program, all my math was gone as were other facilities I had once had. The stroke was massive and bled into my frontal and prefrontal lobes.I retired when a side effect of the anti-seizure drug stole my voice thanks to spasmodic dysphonia. Where this relates to the article is when I had my first grand mal seizure, I interpreted it as "this is it, I'm dying." Shema Yisra... is as far as I got.

(39)
Michie,
July 9, 2013 4:09 PM

the opportunity to prepare for death is a rare privilege!

Facing death means facing one's life and what it means.... and has meant. The reflecions and evaluations of life upon the diagnosis of multiple myeloma (at age 72 )and its inevitable conclusion was a strangely soothing exoerience. Much of the reflection, of course, focused on the things I wish I had done better.... mostly centering on family life, but I also realized that I have accomplished most of my career goals with flying colors, and that the circumstances that resulted in a second family allowed me to learn from my mistakes the first time around and do a better job....... and to re-build the bonds with the remaining members of my first family. The uncertain time frame of the course of Multiple Myeloma allows for such reflection and preparation for death (even when the wheels of denial turn presistently). The result for me has been to time to think and prepare with certainty ...... and a calming peace that accompanies it. I have re-read the little book, "Five Wishes" by Gay Hendricks which I found to be quite helpful in structuring my reflaction process. I recommend it regardless of your diagnosis (or lack of one). The opportunity to prepare for the inevibility of death while you continue to fight for life is a blessing from God. So rather than ask, "Why me Lord?".... we can ask, " How can I use this time remaining to best serve my family and teach what i have learned?"

(38)
David ziering,
July 2, 2013 8:12 PM

Great inspiration however ill choose Tahiti.
Happy i finally read this and got the opportunity to be inspired and learn from my close friend and mentor rabbi ephraim Shore who always knows what to say at the right time .

(37)
Linda Chapman,
July 1, 2013 7:50 PM

Where was Dr. House when you needed him?

Oy veh, one week on cancer "death row" . I am so glad you are recovered! Life is a great mystery and death is a powerful teacher. All the best!

ephraim,
July 11, 2013 1:35 PM

Nice to hear from you Linda! I had David and thought that that was as good as House, but.....

(36)
Mike and Lisa Berger,
June 30, 2013 4:12 AM

Boruch Hashem

Boruch Hashem! Thank G-d you are better! Thanks for an inspiring article! Regards to Esther. Btw, does Yaakov remember Rafi?

(35)
Sam Osmo,
June 29, 2013 2:32 PM

Very glad you are recovered.

Ephraim, I was astonished by the news, but very very glad you recovered. You deserve all energy to continue fulfill your mission among us and your family.

(34)
Anonymous,
June 28, 2013 4:07 PM

DO A MITZVAH FOR BLOOD CANCER PATIENTS TODAY

Dear Rabbi Shore, Thank you for sharing your unusual experience. I am one of the majority of patients whose diagnosis of cancer blood cancer did not change. No diet or exercise prevents this ruthless attacker. Why do you think Hashem give you this particular insight into our world of daily almost unbearable physical and emotional pain? Boruch Hashem, you have been blessed with a devoted wife and children. Many of usstill seek our bashert and long for a child. I beg you, pleasedo not forget the others that STILL live in torture lying in thebeds at hospitals everywhere... May Hashem continue to keep you healthy.

(33)
Stan,
June 28, 2013 3:44 PM

My Experience.

Back in 2009 I had a similar experience with back pain I'll never forget. But when I went to the ER they stuffed me back into the car screaming from every move and sent me home with an order for demerol and valium. I spent two weeks in bed ijn agony before things got better. It turned out I have a ruptured disc which was pinching the siatic nerve. But that's not when death came calling to me.

In 2002, on August 28 I was walking the dog and suddenly felt like I wasn't getting any air in. I sat down on a nearby bench and rested since I was terribly tiered and then made my way home. Throughout the day I got weaker and when I attended my brother's wedding I looked bad enough folks asked if I was alright. Needless to say I sat most of the time because I couldn't stand for long. That was a Saturday.

Thikngs continued like that until Tuesday, when my wife called by brother, an RN student over to check me out. After listening to my heart, which he said was the most bizzare sounding heart he'd ever listened to, I was taken to the Er where it was discovered I had a pulmonary Emobolism.

The next couple of days are a blur as I was confined to a bed with a cstheter and several IVs inserted into my body and I my wife and son stayed by my bedside in fear that they were going to lose their husband and father. 1 in 3 victims of pulmonary embolism die, even with prompt treatment. To wait as long as I did before seeking treatment is almost certainly lethal given the embolism shut off the supply of blood to one lung completely.

But it wasn't God's time for me to go as he had something better in mind for me. And I treasure each day for the gift it is. Each day is an opportunity, and opportunity to know God better.

(32)
Murray Rubin,
June 27, 2013 1:01 PM

I am so happy with the outcome!

Religious or not, Jew or gentile,white or black, rich or poor , clever or dull, we are all humans and subject more or less to the personality traits peculiar to us personally or humans in general. Ephraim, as much as you say that you will stop and smell the roses, I predict that within a reasonable period of time your life will return exactly where it was doing what you love the most, helping Israel.

Deborah Wolkowicz,
June 27, 2013 6:12 PM

Both can be done together

(31)
Ayalah Haas,
June 27, 2013 8:54 AM

Rav Shore, What is Your Misheberach Name?

THANK YOU for sharing your amazing and important experience.

You and your wife do so much to make the world a better place, and to inform enhance the lives of Jews everywhere.

My life is more remarkable because of you both. For example, I urge members of Aish.com's MP3 service to listen to Rav Shore's class on hosting meals of not-yet-religious Jewish guests.

May HaShem continue to carry you from strength to strength.

We need you so much!

And please indicate your full Jewish name for those who wish to daven for your full recovery -- may it come soon!

(30)
yaffa,
June 27, 2013 7:06 AM

TODA FOR THE LESSON OF LIFE ! WE ALL NEED TO BE REMINDED, EVEN IF WE THINK WE KNOW IT........!

(29)
Tzvi Nightingale,
June 26, 2013 3:34 PM

Thanks for the wake-up call

Too moving for words. I only wish for your complete Refuah so you can be back on your bike, peddling the streets of Yerushalayim.

(28)
Fran,
June 26, 2013 1:17 AM

LOVELY

Rabbi Shore, I am indeed sorry you had to go through such a painful ordeal but so happy you chose to share with us the lovely way it affected your future. G-d is in the details. We have two choices one is to fold under pressure or two which is to become warriors...if we fold we instantly loose if we fight we have a fifty or greater chance of winning...much better odds. Even through the darkness you were searching for the light.

okiror barbara,
June 26, 2013 11:58 AM

thanx alot Fran .i choose to be a warrior

(27)
Denise Rootenberg,
June 25, 2013 11:51 PM

Surviving a critical illness is a huge game changer

I want to make it clear that I am not talking about ongoing physical suffering or incapacitation. I can only talk of my experience which was to endure brutal chemo and be reduced to crawling on the floor and then slowly to return to normal. As the years go by, I sometimes fall into my old habits of moaning about minor things. But I am conscious and grateful EVERY DAY about being allowed to survive and of the mothers younger than I am who didn't. Good weather, being immersed in the sea, a lake or a pool, beautiful scenery - I appreciate it all so much that I can go into an ecstatic trance. I even thank Hashem for the additional 500 books that I've been able to read over the past 10 years.

(26)
ruth housman,
June 25, 2013 10:47 PM

looking through the window "pain"

There is a story, about the wheel of letters, about the significance of that wheel, and it is found in Jewish mysticism. I perceive the keys to be in the sacred letters of the aleph bet, and have writte about this, endlessly on line, how the ability to pun, so alchemic, so total, as we all do this, is fueled by a greater brilliance, that is of God, that allows for this, in every possible way. We say, staying alive is no accident. I believe we're here learning to hear each other, when it comes to lessons in life, about what's important. Ascent is also a scent, meaning the purity of the many petalled rose. Once you perceive roses everywhere, and of course, this rhymes with Moses, you realize there are deep and ongoing metaphoric connects that do bind all life, and us to each other. You were thrown into the desert, seeking water, feeling such utter pain, and God spoke to you. And now you shore others up, with a deeper understanding of what it is to be a rabbi, and that path of empathy, being about us all. We must move forward, and E Motion takes us there. We cannot condone suffering of any kind but we can, each of us, when we can, perceive how it brought us further along Jacob's ladder.

(25)
Mary,
June 25, 2013 10:33 PM

Inspiration

I found the article by the Rabbi on his experiences inspiring and one that gives one hope; to be rememberered durring the difficult times, to help one put things into perspective. God bless him for his courage and for sharing what has to have been a harrowing experience.

(24)
Annette Mandis,
June 25, 2013 7:45 PM

I relate well to your experience since I had totally unexpected Open-heart surgery half a year ago. I'd like to share a poem I wrote about this experience which was printed in The Jewish Press magazine section on 5/31/13.

Sorry to hear of your ordeal but glad to hear that you're on the mend. I was touched and taken with your article. Moreover, I was impressed that you took the opportunity to share your thoughts and lessons learned in a such a candid way -- it had a good and real impact on me and, I'm sure, others.

Ted

(22)
Anonymous,
June 25, 2013 6:25 PM

I went through the same thing

I had cancer around five or six years ago. I already prayed shacharis every day. I started davening mincha (the afternoon prayers) and then maariv(evening prayers) , (I am a woman, and women are not obligated to say these prayers, but there is no prohibition to do so) . Then I added the daily tehilim (psalms) after shacharis, then perek shira - which is a special prayer for good things to happen. Then a prayer for my husband, and for parnossoh (his business should be successful. ) All of this takes over an hour every day, AND IT IS WORTH EVERY MINUTE. I can say now that I am HAPPY, and I feel safe and protected and loved. I wish that every person would know what it is to have such a close relationship with the Rebono Shel Olam (the creator of the world) One more thing I did: I made a supreme effort to have more self control, to be more understanding, to do more chesed (to help others)give more charity. It makes such a difference in my life. This all came from having cancer.

(21)
Anonymous,
June 25, 2013 6:21 PM

amazing

Great discription of your ordeal, and very insprational for us to remember life is great, despite the daily rush. Thank you for sharing your miracle. Hashem certainly loves His people, and more thoes who devote their time to watch out for His children. Best wishes and prayers for your fast recovery.

(20)
Chanan,
June 25, 2013 6:05 PM

Thanks for teaching and sharing with us

You and Esther are a strong people who have experienced more challenges they many of us collectively could not handle. Thank you for sharing this and helping us to appreciate you guys and may Ha-Shem solve all your challenges and give you the opportunity to continue to inspire and guide all of us.

(19)
Bina Ester & Yankl,
June 25, 2013 6:05 PM

You guys are special & amazing!

Your family is so special & amazing! Thanks for sharing your lessons. It's impactful learning it from you as you have always been someone who greets people with big warm smiles and open arms. This is how I remember you from over a decade ago. It's lovely to "see" your grown family.Wish you much good health, success in your resolutions and nachas! Love to Esther!

(18)
Ra'anan,
June 25, 2013 6:02 PM

thnx for blow-by-blow documentation...

on a FAR less significant level, I was recently fired from a job that I love very, very much & that's teaching in a very tough high school. I'd invested almost 50% more free hours & felt totally betrayed by the system when I received my letter of termination. That pain, though, pushed me through to break out of my trap of procrastination & I began to progress in other fields in which I'd previously been stuck (for YEARS!). Wonder of wonders, within the week my school, B"H, reHIRED me & explained that the termination was only a "formality" for new hires! That pain, that fright is what I have in common w/your experience. Hearing it again from you on a much scarier level reconnects me to that clarity. thnx again & refu-a shelema!

(17)
Lisa,
June 25, 2013 5:55 PM

I hope your energy & clarity will spread to all of us!!

Yasher Koach to you!!

(16)
BruceB,
June 25, 2013 5:40 PM

Quite an adventure

Dear Rav Shore, Wow, that's quite an adventure. From that first HonestReporting.com mission, my admiration for you has been strong. i remain a student.Bruce B

(15)
Miriam,
June 25, 2013 5:37 PM

Wonderful gift of writing! Am in agreement as I also learned the same when I suddenly lost my husband. Always being close to our Lord, I never thought I could be closer. Wrong. Every day is more precious now, every person w/whom I come in contact that needs even a smile, my prayers, my empathy! Thank you

(14)
Anonymous,
June 25, 2013 5:20 PM

??? In Israel???

"It was a Third World setting: an understaffed ward, each person stuck in his curtained-off, five square meters, constantly encroached by everyone else’s visitors, sharing two filthy bathrooms with those lucky enough to be able to get there."

Surely you are NOT talking about Israel!!????

(13)
theOracle,
June 25, 2013 5:04 PM

Isn't G-mail Wonderful?

I am a doctor, wife and mother. I, too, have experienced the many things life has to offer.

I was in a coma once for a month. The nurses thought my husband was a saint, because he was at my bedside every day form 8-5. when I asked him about that, he replied, "I finally got caught up on my Harry Potter's." lol

I knew patients often remember or are aware during a coma, but all I remember were the two times I was resuscitated. I don't remember when I was aware I was awake until sometime when I was in a rehab facility.

Pain? I have given birth twice. That kind of pain was there, but frequent and fleetingly.

I find the secret is finding joy in everyday life, and in tough times. After all, when you are going through a miracle, it can be really bad. As if you are with Moses and the sea parted, and you have to walk through it with an army at your heels. That kind of scary. Where is the joy in that? On the other side. As in Exodus 15:11.

(12)
Judles,
June 25, 2013 4:58 PM

Me too

I finished chemo treatment one year and 4 months ago. And that's good news because ovarian cancer has marks of success at time intervals. Two years out is the next mark."What's the prognosis?"' I asked at the onset. "Not good"' the doctor answered honestly.I went out and bought an IPad 'cause I thought now I could afford one:) I didn't plead with God. But I did pray for clarity and wholeness.Friends and family were wonderful.I went thru the chemo, then major surgery, the 8 weeks of rehab and finally returned home.5 days later my daughter died. I adored her.Cancer was nothing compared to this challenge.Her yertzite is next month.I pray for sustenance. I pray for strength.God brought me people who care. I met a wonderful Rabbi and she agreed to come to my home when we pay tribute to my daughter.And I'm still here.

(11)
Mandy,
June 25, 2013 4:54 PM

When we finally see

Isn't it Life's greatest joy to finally discover what it is and the enormity of the gift that G-d gave us all and what we choose to do with it. Mazel tov on your new life

(10)
Yerachmiel Milstein,
June 25, 2013 4:41 PM

Powerful!

What a tremendous contribution you make by writing and sharing so openly and honestly. As I read the article, I attempted to integrate each incredibly profound, unfolding lesson with the idea that making changes in my life would in some way amortize your experience and bring you even more zechusim. Especially powerful is the idea of identifying our flaws and asking Hashem for help with them. There's no excuse in the world good enough to fig leaf that!

My bracha to you is that you befuddle the doctors again, but this time with a speedier than expected recovery and that you continue to open our eyes and hearts to Hashem through your indominatable spirit, awesome courage and most of all your infectious Ahavas Hashem.

(9)
cheryl donin rosen,
June 25, 2013 12:00 PM

WOW.. I love you guys....

(8)
Paul Litwack,
June 24, 2013 3:46 PM

Everyone knows Rabbi, your great passion and the success you continue to achieve in making our world a better place!

Including me - I recall with gratitude, your personal support to me in my deep place years ago. That helped pave my way too to learning my purpose here.

Now Board Certified in NLP. TLT and Hypnotherapy, I too am empowering those ready to create a more compelling future. And what you wrote inspires us to be 'at cause' - to focus on creating the results we want (vs distracted/reacting being 'at effect' to external factors, even pain).

While many, like you, learn this through a significant emotional experience, I coach all my clients to harness this powerful internal energy (to manage the Amygdala Hijack) easily and on demand, with an UNconscious Mind tool called Hakalau (related to peripheral vision).

And yes, in our morphological field, there are indeed no coincidences (I recall Rabbi Aaron Hoch saying that is Hashem's way to stay anonymous ;-) In fact, only when we consciously make best friends with our UNconscious Mind, the awareness we need is provided naturally, effortlessly and clearly. Imagine that! That's right.

Sending you love and healing for a speedy, pain-free, refua shlayma and continued hatzlacha for all you do and are.

Paulwww.bit.ly/GetUNstuckNow

(7)
ross,
June 24, 2013 3:40 PM

Phew!

Shabbos morning, say Nishmas very slowly (preferably with a whispered tune), and when you get up to "ain anachnu yacholim lhodas lacha..." think about your miracle, bow down in your mind and shed some tears. Then every subsequent shabbos, when you get up to that line, do the same thing but imagine the immense chesed performed for you during the previous week. Do this every week. For now, maybe say Nishmas every day since you can now do things without pain. And write more. Hope your son is doing well too.

Anonymous,
June 25, 2013 6:16 PM

Ross- you are right!

Rebbetzin Kanievsky, O"H, said that you should say nishmas EVERY DAY. It is a segula leshmira - It is a prayer for being personally watched every minute. You cannot imagine the things you are saved from and are not aware of . AND, if you are delayed for an appointment (even if you miss a plane) thank g-d. He probably saved you from something.

(6)
Rachel Stern,
June 24, 2013 2:20 PM

Give credit where it is due...

You had a scare. You thought you had cancer. What you do not realize is that you actually DID have cancer. But Hashem changed the verdict. He answered your prayers. You did teshuvah. You were answered. But now, you have an even greater responsiblity -- to live up to your promise(s). B'sha'ah Tovah!

Yehudith Shraga,
June 25, 2013 6:49 AM

Dear R.Stern,we may never know

There is a point in what you have said, but we shouldn't forget the "therapiodic" effect of FEAR either, sometimes the experience is of much less effect, than the fear of it is, in the case discussed above it was the pain which played its role and there were many other factors which could just escape the conscious level of perception of the situation, one thing is for sure that Rav Ephraim Shore manages to make the right choice and the right treatment was "found" for him.
We all have cancer cells in our body, but our immune system is able to fight them till a certain level, if we try to see the spiritual roots of these corporeal branches we may not help noticing, that the malignancy is the process where the cell looses its identity, and needless to say that identity, and especially the spiritual one, is of primary importance for each and every person, as for the system which keeps us clean from these kind of cells, it corresponds to the spiritual notion-Massakh, which is the ability to identify the intentions of our actions, if they are of getting or the bestowing nature, the getting are malignant ones. Though much more people dies each year from heart attack, the cancer is still most feared by most of the people, because as the latest researches prove, the name cancer is given to the endless group of all kind of malignancies, which are very individual in their behavior and their compliance to treatment.
I think that the readiness of the Rav Ephraim Shore to speak openly about his experience should not be turned into "what he had and what he has to do", but should be used as an opportunity to thank the G-d for his recovery and for learning that sometimes it seems to us that the G-d is too "hard" on us,and the Honor goes to Rav Ephraim Shore, that his Faith in G-d turned to be strong and he managed to undergo the most dramatic experience and to come out of it with the Unconditional Love to G-d and the readiness to continue to service to Him where the G-d needs him.

(5)
Geoff,
June 24, 2013 11:51 AM

Refuah shelaima

A lovely article that resonated with me as I too had a health scare earlier this year. I try to thank Hashem at least once a day for the blessings in my life. I try not to let everyday distractions prevent me from doing this but it is not easy!

Wishing you a refuah sheaima.

(4)
scott,
June 24, 2013 6:56 AM

The judge of the world...

Wow. The comment that a trip to a cancer ward is more valuable than a trip to Tahiti is probably one of the most powerful comments I have ever read. The ability to see a blessing in ones own incredible suffering is amazing.

I do think along those lives sometimes.

When I think of the coming three weeks I am always torn. The destruction of the temple and the expulsion from Israel and the two thousand years wandering mostly powerless among our persecutors was a horrible thing. If that had not have happened we might be one of the great nations now with hundreds of millions of people rooted in our ancestral home. Living in peace with religious life centered around out temple, speaking with G*d directly through the Kohen Gadol.

But then what about the sages? Would we have needed them? What of their teachings? Would we have evolved into what we are today based on their teachings? Would they have been so important in the shadow of the temple? What of the experience of being the other that so permeates the Jewish soul and drives us toward justice and peace? Would that be as strong? Would we be as strong? What about the rest of the world who-despite their denials-have benefited so much from Jews living among them? Would we have ever done that? What would the world be without the Judeo in Judeo-Christain values? If not for the isolation and persecution that made us center our culture around our Jewishness...would we still be Jewish? Or simply another selfish consumer driven nation based on relative morality?

I feel horrible thinking these thoughts, especially talking to people who experienced the horrors of the shoah-those that directly suffered the horrors arising from the events of the three weeks. And I still mourn as the sages commanded. How can one not?

But I still think these thoughts again and think about the blessing on a funeral .......the judge of the world.

(3)
gerry ziering,
June 24, 2013 12:20 AM

A very inspiring real life story that hopefully will affect at least a tiny bit of real change in all of us. I for one will try and learn from this. Thank you for sharing this difficult tiem in your life.

(2)
Yehudith Shraga,
June 23, 2013 6:11 PM

Very powerful message

Thank you for sharing your experience of pain and suffering, misery and distress, your earnest story and the revelations you have made help me make a reset of the value system and the priorities of my life and duties.

The fear of pain and suffering is one of the strongest known to the people, and learning from the person who managed to overturn it into the ability to gain out of it the spiritual ascends is very important, because though we pray to the Honor of making the correction through Torah and Mitzvot, we may not be sure how it goes to be for us, and reading the stories like yours gives me a hope what no matter what situations the person may find him/herself in, there is always a hope that nothing is in vain and that our soul is here for us to show us the right way.

(1)
Anonymous,
June 23, 2013 3:50 PM

May G-d grant you a speedy and complete recovery

Refuah Sh'lema .Thank you for sharing this story which helped me to feel better about my own challenges today.

I live in rural Montana where the Cholov Yisrael milk is difficult to obtain and very expensive. So I drink regular milk. What is your view on this?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Jewish law requires that there be rabbinic supervision during the milking process to ensure that the milk comes from a kosher animal. In the United States, many people rely on the Department of Agriculture's regulations and controls as sufficiently stringent to fulfill the rabbinic requirement for supervision.

Most of the major Kashrut organizations in the United States rely on this as well. You will therefore find many kosher products in America certified with a 'D' next to the kosher symbol. Such products – unless otherwise specified on the label – are not Cholov Yisrael and are assumed kosher based on the DOA's guarantee.

There are many, however, do not rely on this, and will eat only dairy products that are designated as Cholov Yisrael (literally, "Jewish milk"). This is particularly true in large Jewish communities, where Cholov Yisrael is widely available.

Rabbi Moshe Feinstein wrote that under limited conditions, such as an institution which consumes a lot of milk and Cholov Yisrael is generally unavailable or especially expensive, American milk is acceptable, as the government supervision is adequate to prevent non-kosher ingredients from being added.

It should be added that the above only applies to milk itself, which is marketed as pure cow's milk. All other dairy products, such as cheeses and butter, may contain non-kosher ingredients and always require kosher certification. In addition, Rabbi Feinstein's ruling applies only in the United States, where government regulations are considered reliable. In other parts of the world, including Europe, Cholov Yisrael is a requirement.

There are additional esoteric reasons for being stringent regarding Cholov Yisrael, and because of this it is generally advisable to consume only Cholov Yisroel dairy foods.

In 1889, 800 Jews arrived in Buenos Aires, marking the birth of the modern Jewish community in Argentina. These immigrants were fleeing poverty and pogroms in Russia, and moved to Argentina because of its open door policy of immigration. By 1920, more than 150,000 Jews were living in Argentina. Juan Peron's rise to power in 1946 was an ominous sign, as he was a Nazi sympathizer with fascist leanings. Peron halted Jewish immigration to Argentina, introduced mandatory Catholic religious instruction in public schools, and allowed Argentina to become a haven for fleeing Nazis. (In 1960, Israeli agents abducted Adolf Eichmann from a Buenos Aires suburb.) Today, Argentina has the largest Jewish community in Latin America with 250,000, though terror attacks have prompted many young people to emigrate. In 1992, the Israeli Embassy in Buenos Aires was bombed, killing 32 people. In 1994, the Jewish community headquarters in Buenos Aires was bombed, killing 85 people. The perpetrators have never been apprehended.

Be aware of what situations and behaviors give you pleasure. When you feel excessively sad and cannot change your attitude, make a conscious effort to take some action that might alleviate your sadness.

If you anticipate feeling sad, prepare a list of things that might make you feel better. It could be talking to a specific enthusiastic individual, running, taking a walk in a quiet area, looking at pictures of family, listening to music, or reading inspiring words.

While our attitude is a major factor in sadness, lack of positive external situations and events play an important role in how we feel.

[If a criminal has been executed by hanging] his body may not remain suspended overnight ... because it is an insult to God (Deuteronomy 21:23).

Rashi explains that since man was created in the image of God, anything that disparages man is disparaging God as well.

Chilul Hashem, bringing disgrace to the Divine Name, is one of the greatest sins in the Torah. The opposite of chilul Hashem is kiddush Hashem, sanctifying the Divine Name. While this topic has several dimensions to it, there is a living kiddush Hashem which occurs when a Jew behaves in a manner that merits the respect and admiration of other people, who thereby respect the Torah of Israel.

What is chilul Hashem? One Talmudic author stated, "It is when I buy meat from the butcher and delay paying him" (Yoma 86a). To cause someone to say that a Torah scholar is anything less than scrupulous in meeting his obligations is to cause people to lose respect for the Torah.

Suppose someone offers us a business deal of questionable legality. Is the personal gain worth the possible dishonor that we bring not only upon ourselves, but on our nation? If our personal reputation is ours to handle in whatever way we please, shouldn't we handle the reputation of our nation and the God we represent with maximum care?

Jews have given so much, even their lives, for kiddush Hashem. Can we not forego a few dollars to avoid chilul Hashem?

Today I shall...

be scrupulous in all my transactions and relationships to avoid the possibility of bringing dishonor to my God and people.

With stories and insights,
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