Thursday, June 29, 2006

Gayness is strictly verboten in NFL locker rooms. Well, I mean, apart from butt slapping. Oh, and hugging. And gang showers. And popping champagne bottles so that they gush all over your teammate in one glorious stream. Otherwise, the NFL definitely stands for NO FAGS LINEBACKING! (UM: If only you knew what Terry Tate was up to behind closed doors)

But if you go by statistics (I think it’s 1 in 10, which means one tenth of me is fucking flaming), the NFL has its share of gay players. Only a choice few, including former Viking and erstwhile Chili’s spokesman Esera Tuaolo, even came out AFTER their careers were over. “Career” being a loosely defined term here.

But at KSK, we’re not afraid to tackle topics that are taboo. Or topics that used to be taboo, only to become passé, and then taboo once more amongst all the passé people of the world. We know gay. We're five men running a blog together. It gets no gayer than that. We're like the Queer Eye Fab Five. I'd be Ted. He knows wine. Caveman would be Jai, the useless dipshit who makes the Straight Guy string together seashell necklaces for his wife.(Captain Caveman: I'm Jai? Ouch. Well, I guess it could be worse. UM is totally Carson.)

(UM: I think I just thew up in Bill Simmons's mouth. And just for the record, I'd put my passion for the vino up against anyone in the blogosphere...not that there's anything wrong with it.)

So here’s your scientific study of 10 NFL players who, if drunk, would say to Suzy Kolber, "You know what? I do not wish to kiss you, Suzy Kolber. Nor do I wish to buy your ghetto-ass Chevy truck. I do care if the team is strugggggling, because there is some hot ass out on that field."

1. Terrell OwensThis is obvious. Lots of people say Owens performs touchdown dances. That’s wrong. Acting out scenes with only a football as your prop isn’t dance. It’s mime. And you know where mime comes from? France. And you know where gayness comes from? That’s right, TO. Alienate all the teammates you want. We know it’ll never hide your secret love of having red-hot, Francophilic buttsex while imagining you’re trapped inside a box.

2. Jeff GarciaWe all know this has been rumored. But really, is there anything even remotely exciting about Jeff Garcia coming out of the closet? Is he anywhere near flamboyant enough? Flipper Anderson would turn over in his grave.

3. Brett FavreWhat do all white gay men do when they approach middle age? That’s right. They shave their heads. Oh, I know Favre said he was just “supporting his wife,” but the novelty of that wore off a long time ago, my friends. You don’t get the kind of gushing praise Favre gets without taking Peter King on a fishing trip (in Kiln, Mississippi! Did you know that’s where Brett is from? He’s from Kiln!), and giving him a whole new definition of the term “beat writer.”

4. Donovan McNabbEvery gay couple I’ve known (and I have known oceans of them) consists of a queen and a straight man. And McNabb takes that high, straight road so well. Why did TO dump him? I have a feeling McNabb’s dickdo had something to do with it. What’s a dickdo, you ask? Well, it’s when your belly sticks out further than your dickdo.

5. Jamal LewisHey, I didn’t say the people on this list had to be gay on purpose.

We’ll do Part II after I’m done gallivanting around training camps in my best latex outfit. (UM: I can't wait until your kids are old enough to read this)

the pictures are funny, but the article isn't. i was excited about this blog. i am not excited about having fun at the expense of a group of nice people who already get harassed by rednecks, republicans, and every other form of jackass. i don't know a single gay person who is interested in being linked to T.O., favorably or otherwise.it would be great if we could not perpetuate the false notion that in order to enjoy sports you must also be a bigoted prick. thanks.

ahhh...this reminds me of a classic tale that made the rounds in the early 90's involving a certain green bay quarterback (not farve), a local weatherman and a pizza delivery guy - most likely an urban legend, but it made for good gossip on the playground

Is there a reason why a majority of the possible homersexuals are QB's as opposed to, say, European Kickers/Punters? Does it have something to do with “intangibles?”And as a straight man, I would like to say that I would feel like a beautiful princess in Jeff Garcia's arms. Er, what?Also, Anon, don't feel that the KSK'ers are picking on gay people, I have a feeling they will insult every race, creed, gender, socio-political, religious, etc. class at some point or another. It's kind of what they do.

Martin "Automatica" Gramatica is trying to replace Adam Vinarieri for the Patriots, and i would efinately place hime on this list.

HERE is a recent photo. Is there anything more gay and less masculine than that image? Also, as a Bucs season ticket holder, I can tell you that most women at Bucs games would wear Gramatica jerseys because he was "soooo cute".

I'm not so sure about Robert Kraft, either. He looks like an aryan Vito Spatafore. Same body type, same hairdo, same arrogant look in his eye. Actually, I'm picturing Kraft in Vito's biker bar ensemble right now... Wait, that doesn't make me gay does it?

anon, i obviously didn't write the post but my understanding is that it's a harmonious combination of the two. by the way, i will no longer look at jeff garcia the same again. that is a truly deadon comparisson