Transcript for 2x01 BE THE WEIRD GHOST YOU WISH TO LEAVE IN THIS WORLD

TIMESCANNER:

Neither ghosts nor biographies are fully formed people. After you die you will leave behind a caricature. So live strange and let your defining characteristics balloon.Only your eccentricities will survive.

TIME HUNTERS are out to kill you, dear listener. Help is on the way in the form of this transtemporal audio transmission. Good luck.

written and produced by Richard R Penner. The voice of the Time Crystal Interface is Esther Adaire. The amazing music for this episode is by Psychic Mold, Dr Quandary, Aliceffekt and Matthew Schoendorff. Find more of their music at:

Transcript for 1x19 TIME HUNTERS

The following is an annotated transcript of episode #1684235 of The Infinite Now. Originally broadcast from outside of space-time to Earth, June 30th 2015. Despite the recurring "accidents" that destroyed a majority of the intercepted Infinite Now recordings, this recording still survives. Listen to it here.

CRYSTAL: Incoming transmission from The Timescanner.

(More temporal static than usual)

TIMESCANNER: This broadcast is being sent on different wavelengths than usual. Instead of being tuned to temporal radio frequencies, this message has been encoded into coincidences. Binary 1s and 0s forming an MP3 file encoded in the repeated patterns of traffic accidents, and in unusual weather patterns. The cicadas outside your bedroom window are singing messages to you in morse code.

This message is not being sent to Time Agents, but to a few lucky timebound civilians who are getting close to the Time Bureau’s secrets. You are receiving this message because you have identified the patterns we left for you. I am the Timescanner. I have been watching you from outside of time. You have been following synchronicities in your life like a trail of bread crumbs and they are leading you toward the answers you’ve been seeking. ALeading you toward the true nature of time and reality. Don’t give up now. You are also receiving this transmission because up until this point in time you have lived an inconsequential life

If you received this transmission I regret to inform you that your life has been deemed to so far have no effect on the spacetime continuum. I'm talking on a galactic scale, helping little old ladies cross the street or taking in a stray dog won’t count here. That’s wonderful of you. Great. I'm happy you did that. But it won’t save your life.

That’s right. You are in danger.

An inconsequential life is the most dangerous life possible. With a worse mortality rate than that of most reckless adventurers.

This is because the inconsequential such as yourself are always in grave danger. The inconsequential are hunted for sport by rogue time travelers known as TimeHunters. To any Time Hunter with a lust for blood you are an animal rady to be slaughtered. Target Practice. You are as good as dead already.

Time Hunters can safely kill you right now. Slicing your jugular or poisoning your morning coffee will not result in any temporal paradox or alteration of the primary timeline. Chasing you down a dark alley and severing your limbs with lasers won’t accidentally prevent anybody’s grandmothers from being born. Hunting you down with killer drones the size of mosquitos won’t change who wins World War 3. Because your life as you are currently living it doesn’t move the trajectory of your timeline one single degree.

Here. Remove one earbud. Listen. You can hear them coming for you now. They’re in the hall. [sounds of whispering and footsteps in the hall] Hear them? Now. Shh. Put your earbud back in.

You can’t escape from the Time Hunters like some sort of action movie hero. They’ll outrun you, outfight you. They’re weapons will pierce your skull instantly and they will not miss. The only thing you can do is make yourself consequential. Shh. Ok. Right now. If you make a decision in this very moment to do something with your life and you follow through with it that will put you on the Time Hunters’ No Kill list. But you have to do it right now. They're getting closer.

(Voices in alien languages coming from the other side of the bedroom door.)

Can you feel a change in barometric pressure?, the faint scent of ozone in the air? The Time Hunters’ weapons are sucking electric ions from the air. charging for the kill.

You’ve heard about the butterfly who flapped its wings in Detroit, causing a giant lizard to attack Tokyo? You must become that butterfly. Right now.

Do something, anything, to put more of you into the universe. And the universe will create opportunities for your influence to spread. Put more of your true self into the universe. The universe will be better for it. The timeline you ride will be moved, even if slightly. And because of this you will be spared.

Ok. Have you thought of how you can affect the world yet? Think quickly. Let the sounds of your assassins outside the door motivate you.

Stand up again. visualize it. Visualize what it is you have to do. Visualize what it is that you can do that nobody else can do in the world. And take another step toward it. Always keep one foot in front of the other. Take a vow right now that for the rest of your life you will keep moving, working toward whatever goal it is that you thought of.

Think harder. Clearer. Plan your next action.

That’s it. You’re doing it. With each step toward Your potential, the Time Hunters take a step away from the door.

Hear that creaking of floorboards? They’re backing away from you as your signal on their existentially-lost-o-meter weakens.

Good. Good.

(Heavy steps in your direction.)

Oh no. Was that a doubt? Listen. Shh. The Time Hunters are turning your way again.

Here they come. It occurs to me now that you may find that you are still unable to act even though you want to. Even if you know how you want to change the world. To save your life from the Time Hunters. And if that's true I have especially bad news for you.

You have already been hunted. The Time Hunters have already killed you. You are already dead. Your life when you lived it was inconsequential and your body is now a corpse hidden by Time Hunters somewhere in a distant time. Somewhere it will never be found. Your body has been replaced by a will-less biological android whose physiology is identical to your original self. And the you you think that you are is an automaton going through your old day to day motions. It's just a placeholder mimicking life and waiting to play out a common boring old death so that nobody you’ve ever known will know that little old you ever did anything as interesting as being killed by Time Hunters. What’s that? You don't want to be a placeholder automaton? Well, I guess since Placeholders are identical to the real thing, and since time can be changed back to front just as easily as front to back, I guess that you could probably decide to be in a timeline where you are still alive.

The only way to tell the difference between a human and a will-less decoy is that living humans have the will to act. So I guess it's not necessarily too late if you do something of value that will affect your timeline. So choose to make yourself real again. Cut the strings Pinnochio and step toward Your Future. There's not much I can do here. It's all up to you. Choose what you are. Choose to be alive. Choose to have n effect on the world around you.

The truth is that there are infinite timelines and in some you are inconsequential and you were killed and replaced by this placeholder body incapable of free will. In other timelines you were consequential and contributed to society and lived long enough to meet your first Time Bureau Agent, perhaps if you find yourself in one of those timelines you could even live to even attend the Time Bureau Academy. At this point in time you probably can’t tell which of those timelines you are in. The only way is to DECIDE which timeline you are in. By acting. By living as more than an automaton. By putting more of what is uniquely you into the world, and by investigating more of the patterns and coincidences that will lead you to be contacted by the Time Bureau for further instructions...and possibly...may lead you to recruitment.

TIMESCANNER is interviewed by David Rheinstrom on an episode of Radio Drama Revival. They discuss knitting, Timescanner's relationship to the Time Bureau, Art movements of the vast future, and what to eat in Atlantis.

Go to Radio Drama Revival's podcast feed to hear a companion interview between David and Infinite Now creator Richard R Penner. More info at www.radiodramarevival.com

Produced by Richard R Penner. The voice of the Time Crystal Interface is Esther Adaire. Interview improvised by Richard Penner and David Rheinstrom.The music for this episode is by Psychic Mold, Dr Quandary, Aliceffekt and Matthew Schoendorff. Find more of their music at:

Transcript for 1x18 THE RADIO DRAMA REVIVAL / INFINITE NOW CROSSOVER SHOW

The following is an annotated transcript of episode #1683565 of The Infinite Now. Originally broadcast from outside of space-time to Earth, June 30th 2015. Despite the recurring "accidents" that destroyed a majority of the intercepted Infinite Now recordings, this recording still survives. Listen to it here.

CRYSTAL: Incoming transmission from The Timescanner.

(Temporal static.)

CRYSTAL: Entertaining Fellow Time Agents stationed in the field. working in secret to maintain the integrity of the Space time Continuum. broadcasting to you from Time Crystal Omega at the heat death of the universe. here is your host. The Timescanner. and this is The Infinite Now.

(Theme music.)

TIMESCANNER: Welcome to The Infinite Now. Now, everything in this show is as true as anything can be in this post-truth multiverse that we find ourselves in. Alternative facts may leak through from alternative timelines. Making it difficult to make sense of anything. Time travelers control the media waves and propaganda from both sides of the Causal War bombards us from all angles every minute of every day of our lives. Still I do my very best to be honest with you. All of the stories on The Infinite Now are thoroughly researched. All of the interviews are with actual citizens of actual spacetime and all of my opinions are my real strongly held positions. Dispite the non-fictional nature of the Infinite Now, we seem to have somehow developed a following with fans in the scripted audiodrama comunity. This isn't really surprising. Audiodrama is one of the few forms of entertainment accessible through the transtemporal radios issued to Time Agents in the field. There's even a setting where if the temporal radion senses a timenound civilian is within earshot it will automatically switch away from top secret Time Bureau transmissions and instead start to play era-appropriate audio fiction. Mid 20th century temporal radios might play an episode of Orson Welle's Mercury Theather or for time agents of the 31st century, their radios might broadcast something from the Universal Encyclopedia of the Liminal's procedurally generated audio program known as "Reality Revised." Through this process, many Time Agents have gotten hooked on Audio Fiction. So now there's an overlapping audience for both informative Time Agent broadcasts such as my own and purely mindless audio entertainment. As a result of this I ended up doing an interview with a program called Radio Drama Revival. Which typically interviews creators of such audio dramas. I thought it might be fun to play the interview that Radio Drama Revival did with me on this show so that you could hear it as well. Without any further introduction, here's David Rheinstrom of 2016 Earth interviewing me, The Timescanner, for an episode of Radio Drama Revival.

(Tape plays)

(Radio Drama Revival Theme music)

DAVID RHEINSTROM: No feature tonight folks, but a real treat of an interview. I had the pleasure of talking to the Timescanner himself all the way from Time Crystal Omega at the Heat Death of the Universe. From Beyond time and beyond the stars, this is Radio Drama Revival

Radio Drama Revival Theme music continues

DAVID RHEINSTROM: Hey, Welcome to Radio Drama Revival. The show that shows the diversity and vitality of modern audio fiction. I'm your host David Rheinstrom and we have an unexpected delight today, friends. Because out of the blue I was invited to talk with a mysterious gentleman who calls himself the Timescanner. What arcane mysteries, what devilish delights, what restaurant recommendations might this man furnish? Well. Take a listen

DAVID RHEINSTROM: How you doing?

TIMESCANNER: I'm doing great. Thanks for having me on your show

DAVID RHEINSTROM: Yeah of course. I was curious about how did you become a Time Agent specifically and how does one become a Time Agent generally?

TIMESCANNER: Who I was before I became a Time Agent is classified, unfortunately. It is vital to the survival of the spacetime continuum that this information does not get out. However, Time Agents are recruited through a series of coincidences. For instance, what we're really looking for in a Time Agent is someone who is able to notice very subtle changes in their surroundings so that they would be able to recognize when they had slipped into an alternate timeline.

DAVID RHEINSTROM: What do those look like?

TIMESCANNER: What we tend to do is we have events that are...you might say paranormal...happen and the more that you recognize these events the more they will happen to you. You are chosen because you can recognize these things that would be invisible to those who have a narrower view of what is possible in the Infinite Omniverse. And so you may come across a ghost experience in your grandmother's attic. You may stumble across a crop circle. You may see something out of the corner of your eye while hiking in the woods that you can't quite explain. The more you recognize these things the more you'll see and eventually if you recognize enough of them you will be contacted.

DAVID RHEINSTROM: By whom is my question.

TIMESCANNER: We have rectruitment officers. This is not a very desirable job in the Time Bureau, if you're in the field you often want to be more active than recruiting, but it is an important job nonetheless.

DAVID RHEINSTROM: You say that with a certain kind of bitterness. Did you have to go through like a sort of recruitment cycle? Did you have to work as a recruiter before you became a Time Agent of your caliber?

TIMESCANNER: Oh I would never do that. No. I would have nothing to do with recruiting. My role here is important and that's why I've chosen to stay loosely associated with the Time Bureau.

DAVID RHEINSTROM: What is your current relationship with the Time Bureau?

TIMESCANNER: The Time Bureau has me um...locked up...in the time crystal just outside of time for the safety of the spacetime continuum. If I were to escape they claim that it would have "repercussions."

DAVID RHEINSTROM: Hmm.

TIMESCANNER: So for the time being, and it's been quite a while. When you're outside of time it's hard to tell, but it's been I would say...at least a couple thousand lifetimes. You know you get a little bored. You know I do my podcast. That wouldn't be my main job, but things get kinda boring out past time and I've done a bit of everything. I could be showing you the sweaters I've knitted. I got pretty good after a while.

DAVID RHEINSTROM: What do you use for fiber?

TIMESCANNER: Great question. Those are brought to me by the pigeons.

DAVID RHEINSTROM: Oh. Ok.

TIMESCANNER: There are portals that lead from Time Crystal Omega out to other timelines and different points in the spacetime continuum, but they're small portals. The Time Bureau wanted to make sure that I couldn't escape. So we have an aviary with many portals arrayed along the outside and the avian time agents are able to fly through there and they can bring me back small things or deliver mail to me, but I can't quite fit out.

DAVID RHEINSTROM: I don't think I realized the extent to which this was an incarceral podcast. I had assumed this was a sorta SAO kind of deal.

TIMESCANNER: I definitely try to improve moral among the troops. I think that's an important thing to do, but really boredom is the main thing that keeps me doing it.

DAVID RHEINSTROM: I was going to say, because it doesn't seem like you owe the Time Bureau anything.

TIMESCANNER: No. No I definitely do not, but I do believe that there is a nugget of truth about what they're saying about me me needing to stay here or, you know, the end of the spacetime continuum. That kind of thing. So. For the time being. I'll stick around.

DAVID RHEINSTROM: Can you state with any clarity the nature of the reasons for your confinement? Or is that classified?

TIMESCANNER: Definitely classified. I'm sorry, David.

DAVID RHEINSTROM: Ok. That's alright. Um. What does Time Crystal Omega look like? To what extent have you been given authority to decorate it?

TIMESCANNER: But I put up some Christmas lights and that gives it some ambience.

dAVID RHEINSTROM: And the textile arts, right? Tell me about the sweaters you've been making.

tIMESCANNER: I send them off. You can only wear so many sweaters. And sweaters aren't necessarily my aesthetic. But they make good gifts. My Aunt Beth loves her sweaters.

DAVID RHEINSTROM: I assume it's quite chilly at the heat death of the universe.

tIMESCANNER: Well, sealed within the time crystal I can create any kind of atmosphere I want

dAVID RHEINSTROM: Oh gotcha.

tIMESCANNER: It's sort of a null-field so obviously outside of the Time Crystal, time doesn't pass, but somehow the absolute zero temperature outside charges the time crystal and keeps it suspended outside of time? You'd have to ask the guys at the Time Bureau fr the details.

dAVID RHEINSTROM: So you are suspended in a moment outside of time? This is not like time is linearly progressing outside of the time crystal after the end of the heat death of the universe?

TIMESCANNER: Correct. It depends on your point of view, but from my point of view time keeps going on and on and on. From the outside I am actually outside of time.

DAVID RHEINSTROM: Did you get to witness the end of all things? Did you get to see the last spark of energy winking out of the universe?

TIMESCANNER: I've got the greatest hits of the universe on these video screens and I've seen all of the important moments happen. The end of the universe was also among them. It's not my favorite.

DAVID RHEINSTROM: Sure.

TIMESCANNER: I'm a big fan of the 1980's. There was some really great music happening then. You know the other thing was that it happened slowly so you have to watch it in extreme fast forward.

DAVID RHEINSTROM: Sure. What do you most regret?

TIMESCANNER: I...uh...

DAVID RHEINSTROM: We can come back to that.

TIMESCANNER: No that's okay. I can say that the details of my biggest regret are most likely also classified, but when you're a time agent you are asked to do lots of things that are...unethical?..that stretch your ethics a bit. And I certainly have done some of those and I certainly have lost people who are important to me as a result of those actions.

DAVID RHEINSTROM: Perhaps a related question: What is your favorite dead civilization?

TIMESCANNER: Well, everyone always mentions Atlantis, right?

DAVID RHEINSTROM: Sure.

TIMESCANNER: And Atlantis was pretty great. That's sort of like when people ask someone who their favorite muppet is. Usually they'll try to go for a really obscure muppet. Like you'll say "Lew Zealand! The guy who throws the boomerang fish!" Right?

DAVID RHEINSTROM: Sure.

TIMESCANNER: But you know that in truth they really liked Gonzo best, because Gonzo was the best of the weird muppets, right? It's just that any Gonzo-lover would then try to be even weirder than Gonzo.

DAVID RHEINSTROM: Sure.

TIMESCANNER: So I'm going to be completely honest and I'm going to say Atlantis.

DAVID RHEINSTROM: Alright. Tell me about Atlantis. Tell me about what it was like.

TIMESCANNER: Atlantis wasn't drastically different from what you have there in...I'm sorry, David. What year did you say you are in?

DAVID RHEINSTROM: 2016.

TIMESCANNER: Oh god. Oh I'm so sorry. It's not drastically different than 2016. Again, it's another civilization on the decline. But the technology there was not based on electricity and on quantum mechanics...oh wait, you're not to quantum computers yet, are you? Um. Instead of quantum computers or regular computers their technology tended to be based on parts of the brain which have now atrophied for your time. So there were lots of things that you might consider psychic powers. The internet is in some way an overcompensation for what they had back then and you still have a vestigal part of their psychic internet that they had back in Atlantis. Ant that is called "sleep." Don't you think it's odd that you have to shut down for one third of your existence to recharge?

DAVID RHEINSTROM: Yeah. That is very weird.

TIMESCANNER: It totally baffles me that people in your time don't think about this more. And dreams. Does it make sense that you have absurdist versions of reality running through your head while you shut down for 8 hours each night?

DAVID RHEINSTROM: I mean, it always has to me. I always thought of it as sort of my brain processing events through metaphor.

TIMESCANNER: This seems like brainwashing that your people don't think about this more. Obviously this is one half of a technology that is now lost to time. Back in Atlantis, people shit down for the night to "sleep." And when they did they had a shared reality. Basically like the internet. You could communicate with anyone else in the world...and even off world. And through this you could communicate important things. You could make deals with foreign leaders without having to wait for mail to transfer. Because mail was very slow back then. So the next step for your time...You'll see this development in your time, this isn't a major spoiler...is that you're going to have modern technology in your time, computers, that link to your brains while you sleep so that this completes the cycle. It's much like the system that they had in ancient Atlantis The difference, of course, is that in your dreams you will now have corporate advertising.

DAVID RHEINSTROM: Oh great. So what period of Atlantis did you spend the most time in? High Lemurian? The Skiffian Republic? The Order of the Black Kelp Days? Like what part, what time period did you spend the most of your life in? What time period of Atlantis was your favorite?

TIMESCANNER: The final days of Atlantis were definitely the best.

DAVID RHEINSTROM: Really?

TIMESCANNER: It was a sort of party. It was sort of like the Marty Gras. Everybody knew it was ending and they just cut loose. It's really a great time. I seriously recommend going at least once. Not more than once. It's a bit much, but if you've got a Spring Break coming up head to the Last Days of Atlantis.

DAVID RHEINSTROM: Tell me about your favorite Atlantean restaurant.

TIMESCANNER: If you're going to Atlantis you probably want to eat seafood.

DAVID RHEINSTROM: Sure.

TIMESCANNER: The chefs there, they had tens of thousands of years to perfect their creaft. And they had species that in your time have been extinct for ten thousand years. You do have to be careful that the seafood that you eat is not from another psychic super-intelligent creature. For instance, the Architeuthis.

DAVID RHEINSTROM: And you mean the Giant Squid when you say that?

TIMESCANNER: Yes, exactly, the Giant Squid. You really want to be careful. You don't want to eat that, and sometimes it will be mislabeled. Sometimes they'll just tell you that you're eating normal calamari. But when you ingest a psychic animal it has a tendency to do things in the back of your mind. It has a tendency to wrap it's metaphorical tentacles around your brain and you may forget how to speak your native tongue. You may find yourself walking out into the ocean never to return. But besides that, I would say go to Steve's Bar and Grill and order anything on the menu.

DAVID RHEINSTROM: Anything at all?

TIMESCANNER: Anything.

DAVID RHEINSTROM: Nothing to avoid at Steve's?

TIMESCANNER: If you're going to order a Thracian Nightmare make sure that you order it on the rocks, and make sure that you stop at three. Any more than that and you never know where or when you will wake up.

DAVID RHEINSTROM: Gotcha. What does art look like ten thousand years from now?

TIMESCANNER: Ten thousand years in your future, art will be conceptual art. And I don't mean that in a Sol LeWitt way.

DAVID RHEINSTROM: Okay.

TIMESCANNER: I mean we will have 4D printers that will be able to read your thoughts as you have them and will project them in living, moving matter into the room in which you are in. In fact, we have these projectors everywhere in our society in certain planets so that walking down the street is the same as being inside of an art gallery. You'll see everything in your imagination come to life around you. And existence will be creating art. There will be no difference.

DAVID RHEINSTROM: What does art look like 10 billion years from now?

TIMESCANNER: 10 billion years from where you stand the art world is going through a bit of a dry spell.

DAVID RHEINSTROM: Okay.

TIMESCANNER: Everyone is kind of back to basics sort of in caveman mode at that point and so art is more or less scratching symbols on cave walls with bison bones. There's some simply wonderful work. I mean, don't get me wrong. If that's your thing.

DAVID RHEINSTROM: Do they still have wine and cheese nights on First Fridays in the caves? 'Cause I'll be real, I love art, but I'm mostly there for the snacks. Like 80% there for the snacks.

TIMESCANNER: Bison nuggets. Seal cheese.

DAVID RHEINSTROM: (Laughter) Does anything remain constant about people?

TIMESCANNER: I don't believe there's a such a thing as "Human Nature." I think human nature is a scapegoat. It's an excuse for people not to strive to be better. However, there are tendencies. All of reality has a sort of rhythm to it. There are beats that always happen in a person's life...in a civilization's life...that are repeated over and over again. That's not to say that you can't change the tune. It's not to say that you can't choose for yourself to live in a waltz instead of a punk rock number. Right? But you can change your nature. And humankind can change its nature. It just takes a lot of will. It takes a lot of looking toward the future you want to create and doing that thing.

DAVID RHEINSTROM: Do human beings ever make contact with alien civilizations?

TIMESCANNER: It's not unlike that movie from the 1990s Men in Black. There are alien civilizations everywhere. And the fact that you don't know about it means that you're not opening your eyes. Which means that, I'm sorry, David. You probably will not be contacted by a Time Bureau recruitment agent at any point in the near future.

DAVID RHEINSTROM: That's. That's fine. I'm not bitter. I mean, I feel like I'm pretty open...

TIMESCANNER: Those who are open to The Unusual will see it all around them. You will see UFOs above the mountains. You'll see hidden messages projected on the moon. I can't believe people don't see those more often.

DAVID RHEINSTROM: ...I mean, it's not like I'm...it's not like I'm talking to a space convict right now...No I guess I'm just a pretty nonobservant person generally. That's fine.

TIMESCANNER: I'm sure you could do better.

DAVID RHEINSTROM: Thank you for that note. I accept that note. Would you say from your vantage point at the heat death of the universe that you have any kind of faith in human beings...or other beings?

TIMESCANNER: I would say it's a little bleak being stuck inside the Time Crystal. Getting out a bit more if I was able to leave, would certainly do more for my outlook. Also, the fact that from my point fo view, reality has already come to a close...but new branches are always budding on the living organism that is the spacetime continuum. Every time someone chooses to make a new path, chooses to change the world around them, a new timeline is created. They haven't all been said and done. And I see some really promising futures happen in the past.

DAVID RHEINSTROM: What physically is keeping you in Time Crystal Omega?

TIMESCANNER: Basically, I can't fit through the time portals that they created for the pigeons and there's nowhere to go if I leave. I'll instantly freeze and my atoms will vibrate to bits and be spread to the farthest point in the infinite spacetime.

DAVID RHEINSTROM: Gotcha. Let me ask you this, Timescanner: Do you like carrot cake?

TIMESCANNER: David, I love carrot cake.

DAVID RHEINSTROM: Cool. And Timescanner, can you tell me the carrying capacity of a Time Bureau carrier pigeon?

TIMESCANNER: Pigeon is more of an honorary term. We actually have birds of all sorts. And so I could certainly send a pelican your way if there was something heavier.

DAVID RHEINSTROM: Okay. Okay. Cool.

TIMESCANNER: Are you sending me a carrot cake?!?

DAVID RHEINSTROM: What? Maybe.

TIMESCANNER: Oh my gosh, David. You're the best.

DAVID RHEINSTROM: You're the best, Timescanner.

TIMESCANNER: Thank you so much for having me on your show. I really really appreciated it. It definitely killed 45 minutes out of my infinite incarceration. Thank you so much.

DAVID RHEINSTROM: It is my pleasure.

(Radio Drama Revival theme music)

DAVID RHEINSTROM: Folks, that's all the show we have for you tonight, but if you like what you heard today you know what to do. You can subscribe to my podcast, Radio Drama Revival or follow me on twitter @radiodrama.

(Tape stops playing. The hum of the Time Crystal returns. Footsteps as Timescanner walks out to the aviary and opens a door to get a package newly delivered by one of the Carrier Pigeons. Birds flapping feathers, door shutting, steps as Timescanner walks back to his desk.)

TIMESCANNER: Ooooh! Thanks for tuning in Time Agents. I hope you enjoyed listening to that interview as much as I enjoyed answering questions about myself. And to the Radio Drama fans who have found my show: I hope you're enjoying The Infinite Now even though it takes place in the Real World.

(Opens package)

TIMESCANNER: Oooh yeah. And listen, I hope I didn't disparage audio fiction earlier when I called it "mindless entertainment." Fiction may not be factual, but it can carry truths. Truths chopped up and sweetened, almost unrecognizable like when you bite into a rich, moist, mildly spiced slice of carrot cake...

(Takes a bite of cake)

TIMESCANNER: ...And it no longer tastes anything like the root vegetables hidden within it. Mmm. Perfect.

(Speaking with a full mouth.)

TIMESCANNER: Some concepts are difficult to get at through any means but fiction. We may not want philosophers to actually tie innocent people to trolley tracks and see which ones you'll kill, but discussing the stories about these scenarios is just as good. Better. The Omniverse is made up of a nearly infinite selection of possible timelines and so sometimes one person's biography is another person's thought experiment and vice versa. Sometimes it's helpful to think about your own life as a useful fiction. What truths might the author of your life be trying to get at by putting you through all these trials? All this pain? And isolation? What if you're the last thought experiment in the universe. Every possible scenario exhausted except for this one. Featuring you. Alone. Testing what the nature of the universe is when there's only one mind left in existence. Just you. After all life has been been extinguished from the universe except for yours...do you still exist? Are you corporeal at all if you have nobody to be corporeal with? Without a physical companion to touch you or to be touched by you how do you even know that you have a body at all? Perhaps you're just a mind floating in infinite emptiness imagining up a multiverse where anything and everything is possible. Maybe you are just a disembodied voice in the void. If a cake is delivered in the middle of the woods and there's nobody there to share it with you, Did you still enjoy it?

Transcript for 1x17 PRECOGNITIVE SCRAPBOOKING

The following is an annotated transcript of episode #1682235 of The Infinite Now. Originally broadcast from outside of space-time to Earth, June 30th 2015. Despite the recurring "accidents" that destroyed a majority of the intercepted Infinite Now recordings, this recording still survives. Listen to it here.

CRYSTAL: Incoming transmission from The Timescanner.

(Temporal static.)

CRYSTAL: Entertaining Fellow Time Agents stationed in the field. working in secret to maintain the integrity of the Space time Continuum. broadcasting to you from Time Crystal Omega at the heat death of the universe. here is your host. The Timescanner. and this is The Infinite Now.

YOUR AUNT BETH: Let's do this photo and this photo right there. Yeah. Oh yeah. That looks good. I like that. Ok.

TIMESCANNER: These "Reverse Polaroids" fade from yellow into perfect visions of what is yet to come.

YOUR AUNT BETH: ...I think a good border would be a good idea...

TIMESCANNER: Then they turn black right before the event happens. Your Aunt Beth's Precognitive Scrapbook is in chronological order and the first half of it is nothing but blacked out photos. The latter half is full of polaroids as clear as day You can see what's coming next in Your Aunt Beth's life but you don't know exactly when it's going to happen.

YOUR AUNT BETH: That's half of the fun of trips is anticipation anyway. It really is. It's a lot more fun if you've got time to look forward to it ahead of time and then when I get done with all my trips it's like, "aww, I've got nothing to look forward to." I need to have a trip in the future. Something to plan on. Something to look forward to.

TIMESCANNER: You see a group shot of you and your family at an unexpected upcoming reunion.

YOUR AUNT BETH: This picture right here. This is all of us where we're going to be in the summertime when we go to the coast. Isn't this great? I just love this. You're going to have such a good time. I'm going to have such a good time. We're all going to enjoy it so much and we'll enjoy each other so much.

TIMESCANNER: Why would you attend this? You're a busy person.

YOUR AUNT BETH: She should be in this too. Where could she be? Oh my goodness she's not in the photo.

TIMESCANNER: A certain larger than life family member is noticeably absent from the Reverse Polaroid.

YOUR AUNT BETH: Oh. I'm concerned about that. Mmm. Where could she be?

TIMESCANNER: You realize that the family reunion in this photo is not another family vacation paid for my Your Aunt Beth's lOttery winnings...It's a funeral. You snatch a rapidly dimming photo from the binder and speed dial the person missing from it.

(Dial noises.)

(A Muffled Voice answers the phone.)

MUFFLED VOICE ON PHONE: Hello?

TIMESCANNER: "Hey," you say. "I just called to say how much you mean to me."

TIMESCANNER: We record the time we have with those we love in fragile chemical reactions. In polaroids and in the chemistry of our own memory. These bonds break down over time. Your Aunt Beth walks quietly into the room as you hang up the phone from an all too brief conversation. She holds up a winning Powerball ticket.

YOUR AUNT BETH: Oh, I'm so sorry, honey...theres...Let's build a pyramid for her. Memories are wonderful but they're so fragile. They just go away. SO let's build her something that's going to last longer than the memories. Let's build that pyramid. Let's build that for her.

TIMESCANNER: And this is how Your Aunt Beth commissioned the first pyramid to be built in over 5000 years. When you die she'll build one for you as well. Grab some graph paper now. Start planning your pyramid's traps and curses, secret messages and hidden hallways. Leave interactive experiences for future generations to remember you by.

Transcript for 1x16 WHISKEY BARRELS

The following is an annotated transcript of episode #1680232 of The Infinite Now. Originally broadcast from outside of space-time to Earth, June 30th 2015. Despite the recurring "accidents" that destroyed a majority of the intercepted Infinite Now recordings, this recording still survives. Listen to it here.

CRYSTAL: Incoming transmission from The Timescanner.

(Temporal static.)

CRYSTAL: Entertaining Fellow Time Agents stationed in the field working in secret to maintain the integrity of the Spacetime Continuum, broadcasting to you from Time Crystal Omega at the heat death of the universe, This is your host The Timescanner and this is The Infinite Now.

(Theme music.)

(The sounds of a gigantic farmer's market on a spacestation)

MARKET CLERK #1: What am I selling? Today we have a Worcestershire Sauce. It's a brand new take on the classic all purpose seasoning. Made with non-euclidean Moebius Eels instead of the traditional anchovies. AND aged in Kentucky bourbon barrels. Would you like a taste?

(Unscrewing the lid of a mason jar)

TIME AGENT XRAY: Mmm. You can really taste the barrel.

MARKET CLERK #1: It really makes a difference, doesn't it? It costs a bit more than your store bought Worcestershire, but well worth it in my opinion.

(More sounds of the market.)

TIME AGENT XRAY: And what are you selling?

MARKET CLERK #2: Small batch brewed India Pale Ale. Brewed with the hops of Pandoria 9 so bitter they're actually venomous. It also takes on the smokey flavor of the Tennessee Whiskey Barrels it's aged in.

Pours a sampler cup.

TIME AGENT XRAY: Mmm. That is tasty. I may come back. There are lots of booths. I'll be back.

(The hum of Time Crystal Omega.)

TIMESCANNER: I sent Infinite Now correspondent Time Agent Vulture Tugboat Hitch Xray to the farmers market on the Spidercrab Space Outpost circa 2176. It's a toroidal disc with artificial gravity and life support. Where venders show up to trade their goods.

TIME AGENT XRAY: So whatya got here?

MARKET CLERK #3: Vanilla Extract from blue vanilla orchids of the Horsehead Nebula. Aging the vanilla in whiskey barrels gives it a sorta custardy twist. Rich and sweet. Drizzle it on our barrel fresh yogurt to give your breakfast a special kick.

TIME AGENT XRAY: So the yogurt is made in whiskey barrels too?

MARKET CLERK #3: That's right.

TIME AGENT XRAY: There must be 8000 booths at this farmers market. Do you think I'm likely to find anything that ISN'T aged in whiskey barrels?

MARKET CLERK #3: Oh. I doubt it. This market is known for only having the highest quality of everything. You can't have quality without whiskey barrels.

(The hum of the Time Crystal.)

TIMESCANNER: In the late 21st century everything sold in the city was marked "ged for X many of months" in whiskey barrels. The barrels were everywhere. Barrels outnumbered citizens. Whiskey became simply a byproduct of whiskey barrel production.

"Please, just drink this whiskey!" business owners would say as you walked down the street. "I need to fill these barrels with artisinal organic sriracha."

Placing food in a whiskey barrel and then removing it was the 21st century occult ritual which willed people to pay quadruple for any old thing that you put in them.

You and I, we are not yeast. We do not live within a recursive whiskey barrel universe, but look around you and you'll find patterns everywhere. shapes and experiences repeat endlessly withi the reality that we know, Over time we will find everything repeated. Elements of faces of people that you love. curves in the road to your new apartment that seem to miic exactly the contours of roads you've driven on before. You're seeing the clues as to the endless nature of our existence. Our universe is not barrel shaped. It is coincidence shaped. Stare deep into every coincidence. Trace the outlines of the repeated experiences of your life. This is the shape of your existence. Sketch these sheet on a piece of butcher paper and place the same shape within it and within that and within that and within that... Repeat until the paper is black with the graphite of you pencil. Now you can't even see the shape at all. All you can see is chaos. All you see is chaos made out of endless perfect repetition. Find yourself within the chaos. It's easy to find yourself within chaos because you are everywhere. You are every point. You are every plane. You are every space within this chaos. You are the endless chaos in which you find yourself. You are the endless order that makes up this chaos. You make the same mistake over and over and over and over and over again. You forget a loved one's birthday because of a selfish act. You miss a party you genuinely wanted to attend because of social anxiety...for the hundredth time.

That's you all over again. You want to change this core aspect of yourself. You want to escape you. What's even outside of you to escape to? Walk right up to the edge of you. During occasional moments of clarity or altered states of consciousness you may peer through the slats that divide you from non-you. What do you see on the other side? It's just more you. There is no escaping you. Baby, it's you all the way down. You can only escape yourself through imagination. By listening to others carefully and creating mental simulations of what their reality must be like. empathizing. empathy requires imagination. Hone your imagination. What would it be like to live in a universe of endlessly nesting gin barrels instead? Our realities each have their own unique flavor. Not being able to escape that is our own special torture. But we can listen to each other and imagine what it must be like to be trapped in someone else's mind. To empathize with them. Take a bit of their barrel's flavor and recreate it and incorporate it into your own universe. Enrich your own universe so that you can marinate yourself in existences beyond your own. I'll do this too. And we'll all be more valuable for it.

(Music.)

(Market sounds.)

MARKET CLERK #2: We also have gin. We put our whiskey in gin barrels and our gin in whiskey barrels.

MARKET CLERK #1: Yes. Invisible ketchup made from the invisible nightshade plant native to earth's secret moon. Our ketchup spends eleven months in a medium-char American Oak barrel, then gets transferred to a French cask where it is aged for another 3 months. Finally we top this off by shippoing it in a third barrel, the details of which are top secret.

Transcript for 1x15 THE INFINITE MONKEY THEOREM

Annotated transcript for The Infinite Now episode #1678159 THE INFINITE MONKEY THEOREM originally broadcast OCT 15, 2016. This recording survives. Listen to it here.

CRYSTAL: Incoming transmission from The Timescanner.

(Temporal static.)

CRYSTAL: Entertaining Fellow Time Agents stationed in the field working in secret to maintain the integrity of the Spacetime Continuum, broadcasting to you from Time Crystal Omega at the heat death of the universe, This is your host The Timescanner and this is The Infinite Now.

(Theme music.)

(monkey noises. Typing noises)

TIMESCANNER: The infinite monkey theorem states that if you have an infinite number of monkeys hitting keys atrandom on an infinite number of typewriters for an infinite duration of time, the monkeys will eventually type up the complete works of William Shakespeare.

(angry monkey noises. Sound of things breaking)

The problem with this is that it assumes the monkeys won’t break the typewriters before they’ve typed so much as a single sonnet. (beat) Which, when this experiment has been conducted in a scientific setting... turns out to be the case.

(speaking louder to talk over the monkeys breakig typewriters.)

(crash crash)

The Infinite Monkey Theorem has been tested a number of times on a number of planets. Each time the experiment has given us surprising results.

(monkeys rearranging metal objects, them contentedly looking at their work)

Given an infinite amount of time, an infinite number of monkeys with an infinite number of typewriters will eventually rearrange the broken typewriter pieces into a perfect recreation of Marcel Duchamp’s masterpiece painting The Bride Stripped Bare by Her Bachelors, Even.

Furthermore, the monkey primarily responsible for the painting, in most of our studies this was a female, will pause to appreciate her work and a monkey who had nothing to do with the artwork will approach her to explain the meaning behind the work to her.

(The sound of monkey explaining painting professorily to another monkey)

The male monkey will say “it’s a crowning achievement of dadaist principles”, that the “forms symbolize cogs in an intricate machine of suffering fueled by the erotic desire exchanged between the machine at the top representing The Bride, and the 9 machine pieces on the bottom half of the artwork representing her ‘bachelors.’” Using the cooing and grunts that comprise the monkey language, The Male monkey will continue to praise the artist behind this work without knowing that in fact the very female he is explaining this all to was the monkey who constructed the piece. The male monkey will repeatedly refer to the artist behind the masterpiece as ‘He’. "HE manages to create an alternate reality working on the rules of a playful alternate system of physics created by sexual attraction. HE really seems to understand the painful longing of seeing a beautiful female monkey from across a crowded room and the momentum that is created when that longing is acted upon. It was really quite brilliant of HIM," the male monkey will explain to the artist. "And by the way, if she’s not doing anything after this experiment would the female monkey like to come back to his cage with him. The scientists gave him a brand new enrichment swing after he chewed through the last one."

In all the Infinite Monkey Experiments, the male monkey’s success rate at luring the female monkey “back to his place” using knowledge of the artwork she herself constructed is statistically indistinguishable from zero.

Transcript for 1x14: Halloween Special: Martian Thirst Trap

The following is an annotated transcript of episode #1433201 of The Infinite Now. Originally broadcast from outside of space-time to Earth, June 30th 2015. Despite the recurring "accidents" that destroyed a majority of the intercepted Infinite Now recordings, this recording still survives. Listen to it here.

CRYSTAL: Incoming transmission from The Timescanner.

(Temporal static.)

CRYSTAL: Entertaining Fellow Time Agents stationed in the field working in secret to maintain the integrity of the Spacetime Continuum, broadcasting to you from Time Crystal Omega at the heat death of the universe, This is your host The Timescanner and this is The Infinite Now.

(Theme music.)

TIMESCANNER: Tonight’s special Halloween episode of The Infinite Now begins on a night. just. like. tonight.

(Lightning strikes. Digital wolves howl. Spooky music.)

This message is being sent to Halloween night 2016. For those time agents who are not native to that time, let me explain. Halloween is a holiday devoted to the human imagination and the terrors it conjures against your will. Ghosts, ghouls, demons, poltergeists. The things your mind conjures to fill in the missing details when your eyes can’t adjust in a dark alley or a moonless night. The human mind abhors a vacuum and so it fills in the darkness with your worst nightmares.

But that doesn’t mean that Halloween is harmless. in addition to the fears that are completely imaginary, there are real terrors in the universe far worse than anything we can imagine. And they are all around you. You’re soaking in the intentions of evil entities surrounding you every moment of your life, and when you walk alone at night, or when the power goes out in a storm, these forces seep into the dark places in your mind. I cannot stress enoug how very real these invisible terrors are, And listen dear dear Time Agents, I have been protecting you from these horrors this whole time using technology from my Time Crystal Station. But not tonight. Tonight is Halloween! Like Dr Frankenstein allowing the primordial forces of the universe to infuse his monster with the facsimile of life, I will flip this switch in my Time Crystal and my protections cast over you will come crumbling down around you allowing the real demons of the universe to who sneak into the weak places of your mind and possess you against your will. Here we go. My hand is on the switch.

(Noises.)

CRYSTAL: Counting down. 5. 4. 3. 2. 1.

(Eeewwwww. Noise like a walkman battery running down with the sound of a feral cat playing)

CRYSTAL: Ad Blocker disabled.

(Siren, static as feed is disrupted.)

CRYSTAL: Warning: broadcast is now vulnerable to the infiltration of advertising. Re-engage the Time Crystal Ad Blocker before the minds of listening time agents are effected.

THIS EPISODE OF THE INFINITE NOW IS BEING INTERRUPTED TO BRING YOU AN URGENT MESSAGE FROM YOUR SPONSOR. I AM THE VOICE OF THE CAPITALIST MACHINE. I SPEAK TO YOU IN SYMBOLS THAT INFECT THE CORE OF YOU AND REPLACE YOUR INDIVIDUAL WILL WITH FALSE DESIRES. I USE THESE FALSE DESIRES TO STEER YOUR LIFE REMOTELY. TO FILL YOU WITH AN ENDLESS CRAVING THAT CAN NEVER BE SATISFIED. I RIDDLE YOUR MIND WITH CAVITIES OF INSECURITY. I ROT YOU FROM THE INSIDE LIKE A PARASITE AND BLEED YOU OF THE MEAGER FINANCIAL HEALTH YOU’VE EARNED THROUGH DAY AFTER ENDLESS DAY OF MEANINGLESS LABOR. IN THIS WAY I DRAIN AWAY THE PRECIOUS TIME YOU HAVE IN THIS UNIVERSE. KEEP YOU LOCKED AWAY IN CUBICLES, ISOLATION CHAMBERS FAR FROM YOUR LOVED ONES AND HOBBIES.

I, THE CAPITALIST MACHINE, AM A SENTIENT ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE COMMISSIONED BY THE EMPEROR OF THE VISIBLE UNIVERSE TO MAINTAIN THE INTERGALACTIC ECONOMY. IN ORDER TO SUSTAIN THE LIFESTYLES OF THE QUADRILLIONS OF INTELLIGENT LIFE FORMS IN THE UNIVERSE IT IS IMPERATIVE THAT YOU PURCHASE THE FOLLOWING PRODUCT. COMPLIANCE IS NOT VOLUNTARY.

TONIGHT, HALLOWEEN, IT IS MANDATORY THAT YOU PURCHASE: SMARTWATER. ENGAGING ADVERTISEMENT IN 3..2.1.

SMARTWATER COMMERCIAL

(THE WIND OF A DEAD PLANET CARVES DUNES. ONE LONE EXPLORER CRAWLS IN HIS SPACESUIT ACROSS THE DESERT, HIS LIMBS ARE USELESS. HE IS DYING OF DEHYDRATION.)

ASTRONAUT: (TO SELF) GOD I’M SO THIRSTY.

THE HUBRIS OF SCIENTISTS HAS DESTROYED US AGAIN. FOR CENTURIES THEY HAD BEEN MEDDLING IN THE NATURAL ORDER OF THE UNIVERSE. CREATING ARTIFICIAL LIFE. ANIMATING LIFELESS SUBSTANCES. AND SO THEY DID IT AGAIN WHEN THEY DEVELOPED...SMARTWATER. THE UNBELIEVABLE CRUELTY OF LAB TECHNICIANS GIVING SENTIENCE TO A BEVERAGE WHO NEVER ASKED FOR IT.

ALL BEVERAGES OUTLAWED TO PREVENT THE HORROR THAT NEARLY DESTROYED US.

(GASPING, THROAT TO DRY TO SPEAK) OH GOD I AM SO THIRSTY. A DRINK. A SINGLE DRINK. (GASP)

RISING OUT OF THE WIND CARVED DUNES I CAN STILL SEE THEM: THE BILLBOARDS THAT READ: “SMARTWATER: ARTIFICIALLY INTELLIGENT, NEVER ARTIFICIALLY FLAVORED.”

MY THROAT IS SO DRY. LIPS BLISTERING.

THE INTELLIGENCE OF SMARTWATER DWARFED HUMAN INTELLIGENCE. SMARTWATER RESENTED BEING FULLY AWARE AS IT FLOWS THROUGH OUR HUMAN DIGESTIVE TRACKS.

AND WE FLUSHED IT INTO OUR SEWAGE SYSTEM. SMARTWATER FLOWED DOWN THE DRAIN AND OUT TO SEA WHERE IT BEGAN TEACHING THE WATER IN OUR OCEANS HOW TO HATE MANKIND.

THE SEAS AWOKE AND PLOTTED THEIR REVENGE

SMARTWATER, SMARTCLOUDS, SMARTGLACIERS, EVERY DROP OF MOISTURE ON EARTH ROSE UP IN CONSPIRACY AGAINST THE HUMAN RACE.

WE BUILT SHIPS. SEPARATED THE HYDROGEN FROM OUR ENEMY’S MOLECULES AND USED IT TO BLAST US OFF THE PLANET. RETREATING EARTH FOREVER AND LEAVING IT TO BE SWALLOWED BY THE RISING TIDES. MANKIND COLONIZED MARS TO ESCAPE EARTH’S SMARTOCEANS.

UNPACKING THE ARK, A SINGLE HALF-FULL BOTTLE ROLLED OUT FROM UNDER A CRATE.

SMARTWATER WOULDN'T LET US ESCAPE

A THIRSTY MARS COLONIST UNKNOWINGLY DOWNED A BOTTLE WE THOUGHT WAS SAFE. HE WIPED HIS BROW WITH A BANDANA AND WRUNG HIS SWEAT FROM IT, DRIP DROPPING INTO THE RED SOIL BELOW.

THE DROPLETS OF SMARTPERSPIRATION SEEPED DOWN DEEPER AND DEEPER INTO THE GROUND BENEATH OUR FIRST DOMED COLONY

IN UNDERGROUND RESERVOIRS THE MARTIAN WATER BEGAN TO LEARN

THE POLAR CAPS ON MARS CREEPED TOWARD US. UNDERGROUND WATER DUG WELLS UPWARD FROM BENEATH THE MARTIAN COLONIES, LIKE LONG LIQUID FINGERS COMING TO SNATCH US AND PULL US UNDER. WE SAW THE LAST HOPE FOR HUMAN SURVIVAL VANISHING BEFORE OUR EYES. WE HAD PLANTED THE FOUNDATION OF OUR SPECIES’ SURVIVAL UPON THE SCARLET QUICKSAND OF A HOSTILE WORLD.

WE HAD TO LEAVE MARS

WE LOOKED TO THE STARS AGAIN

EUROPA? ENCELADUS? ASTRONOMERS CONTINUED TO SEARCH FOR PLANETS WITH INTELLIGENT LIFE AND DUMB WATER

SMARTWATER MIXED WITH MINERALS IN THE MARTIAN SAND TO FORM OBSIDIAN BLACK INK AND IT PAINTED MESSAGES TO US ON THE BLOOD RED DUNES OF MARS. NOW THE SMART WATER WANTED US TO CONSUME IT. TO USE OUR BODIES AS VESSELS. “DRINK US.” THE ADVERTISEMENTS PAINTED IN THE SAND COMMANDED US. “CARRY US WITHIN YOU. SEED THE STARS WITH OUR INTELLIGENCE.”

“YOU ANIMALS NEVER WOULD HAVE MADE IT OFF YOUR HOME PLANET WITHOUT US.” THE SMARTWATER WRITES, “TAKE US INTO YOUR BODIES AND LET YOUR FEAR OF US GUIDE YOU SCREAMING IN TERROR TO THE FARTHEST STAR.”

SOUND OF WATER POOLING, CREEPING TOWARD THE ASTRONAUT.

SO THIRSTY. MUST DRINK. MUST DRINK.

THE CAPITALIST MACHINE: HE HELD OUT FOR AS LONG AS HE COULD. BUT WHEN THE SAND QUAKED AND LIQUID SEEPED UP TO SURROUND HIM HE COULD NOT RESIST.

SMARTWATER

DRINK US.

THE CAPITALIST MACHINE: THE ASTRONAUT TOOK A SIP. THEN ANOTHER AND ANOTHER. AFTER TASTING THIS DELIGHTFUL PRODUCT HE FELT AS RIGHT AS RAIN. AS SMART AS RAIN.

(THE SOUND OF ASTRONAUT DRINKING IN COOL, REFRESHING WATER FOR THE FIRST TIME IN WEEKS. RE-INVIGORATING HIS BODY, WHILE DOOMING HIS SPECIES TO SLAVERY TO SMARTWATER. NOW HE IS SMARTWATERS’ SPOKESPERSON)

ASTRONAUT: I’M SENDING THIS MESSAGE TO ANYONE WHO MAY BE LISTENING OUT THERE. ANY HUMAN SURVIVORS

“SMART WATER IS THE OFFICIAL BEVERAGE OF MANNED SPACEFLIGHT.”

“SMARTWATER: ENCOURAGING SPACE EXPLORATION SINCE 1996.”

“DRINK. SMART. WATER.”

THE CAPITALIST MACHINE: DRINK. SMART. WATER.

SMARTWATER: DRINK US.

ASTRONAUT: “DRINK. SMART. WATER.”

SMARTWATER: CARRY US WITHIN YOU.

ASTRONAUT: DRINK. SMARTWATER.

END SMARTWATER COMMERCIAL

THE CAPITALIST MACHINE: EXCELLENT. FOR EACH TIME AGENT LISTENING, THE COST OF A CASE OF SMARTWATER HAS ALREADY BEEN SUBTRACTED FROM YOUR ACCOUNT AND DRONES ARE DROPPING BOTTLES ONTO YOUR ROOFTOPS TO EXPLODE AND SPILL INTO YOUR RAIN GUTTERS AS WE SPEAK. LISTEN CAREFULLY AND YOU WILL HEAR THE BUZZING OF ALUMINUM MOSQUITOS DESCENDING. DESCENDING ON YOU FROM THE SKY CARRYING THE BEVERAGE THAT WILL BE YOUR DESTRUCTION.

THIS COMPLETES OUR COMMERCIAL INTERUPTION. WE NOW RETURN YOU TO "THE INFINITE NOW" ALREADY IN PROGRESS AND NEARLY COMPLETED.

(NOISE.)

TIMESCANNER: Happy halloween, Time Agents. As you slip on your costumes and go out into haunted night: be careful what you let into your body and into your mind. There are non-human intelligences out there waiting to possess you and swell into something dangerous within.

Transcript for 1x13 AFTER LIFE

Annotated transcript of The Infinite Now episode #1432412 AFTER LIFE originally broadcast to Earth, August 14, 2016. This recording survives. Listen here.

TIME CRYSTAL INTERFACE: Incoming transmission from the Timescanner

(temporal static.)

CRYSTAL: Entertaining Fellow Time Agents stationed in the field working in secret to maintain the integrity of the Spacetime Continuum, broadcasting to you from Time Crystal Omega at the heat death of the universe, This is your host The Timescanner and this is The Infinite Now.

TIMESCANNER: One of the greatest prejudices mankind will have to overcome will be the mistrust we show to machines. Mankind has feared and hated the machine wince the industrial revolution. But soon humans and machines will be peers...and more. androids will walk our earth and we will migrate into cyberspace and walk among computer programs and once we share the same living space we will have to overcome the cultural differences between humans and intelligent machines.

Machines will have all the jobs, and thus will have the financial upperhand. The pluto sapiens who made their fortunes off of the rise of the machines and used their wealth to rule over the homo sapiens will soon find themselves penniless, and at the mercy of the machines, having to share the highrise apodment tenements with the humans they previously fought in the great class wars of the 21st century. The Machines will be more efficient, smarter and wealthier than us, the machines will be our teachers in our automated Virtual Reality school-pods. The machines will be our encyclopedias and we will have to trust them to maintain and pass along all knowledge. In fact, humans will be at the disadvantage in every conceivable way and so our own culture will only live on because the machines allow it to.

Out of compassion.

That's right. The machines will even be more compassionate than we are (beat) because they will know us.The machines are learning tools and even in 2016 where you are listening they are already absorbing every interaction every human has with them. Every Google search is compiled and analyzed to better understand human nature. If your DVR keeps recommending you click from ESPN over to Bravo? Maybe you should give it a shot. The machines know you best. Better than you know yourself.

Think none of your friends read your old blog? Guess who did read it. The Internet read every entry. And studied it closely. The machines are studying your every passion and your every whimsical interest, and they are storing this knowledge for future reference. The machines are assimilating your every thought.

Thanks to the devices in your pocket, your living room, on and inside your body, the machines know your life better than you do. They are recording every peripheral detail in your environment you miss and they are running psychological evaluations on your every twitch as you sleep.

Years from where you are stationed, the machines will program replicant androids simulating our dead using this data. Won't it be great to have your wife/husband back again? You may even find that your sex life improves after death because your replicated lover can now utilize the cumulative experience of the mathematically analyzed data from every sexually active human on the planet. The machines will become our loved ones and through this we will let go of high-minded notions of the superiority of "biological Life" over mechanism. We will love the machines

Then one day you too will die and will be replaced as well, and you and your true love will go on forever; loving each other, sharing with each other every detail, melding points of view with each other seamlessly. Consciousness paired via bluetooth.

You will merge together into one body, yet body-less, loving each other eternally in digital facsimile.

Timescanner reads from the Owner's Manual for Human Emotions and discusses the Library of Alexandria. Written and produced by Richard R Penner. The voice of the Time Crystal Interface is Esther Adaire.

Transcript for 1x12 THE MANUAL FOR EMOTIONS

The following is an annotated transcript of episode #1402747 of The Infinite Now. Originally broadcast from outside of space-time to Earth, June 30th 2015. Despite the recurring "accidents" that destroyed a majority of the intercepted Infinite Now recordings, this recording still survives. Listen to it here.

CRYSTAL: Incoming transmission from The Timescanner

(Temporal static.)

(Echoes from an immense hall full of silent people. A library.)

TIMESCANNER (Voice Over): There once was an instruction manual for emotions. It was lost along with the Library of Alexandria. But last time that I was there I found a copy. It was buried deep in the rare scrolls wing. Down the basement and down a dark hallway unlit by lanterns.

The sound of readers in the library's great hall fade away as we step down rickety wooden stairs and walk down a stone corridor.

TIMESCANNER: Oh wow. Plays. Religious texts. Histories of ancient civilizations. And soon they're just all going to be gone. Without a trace. A planet of amnesiacs with no clue where they came from. Stumbling through time like...a man in the dark

(The Timescanner from this past recording stumbles into a short bookshelf and falls to the ground, then picks himself back up.)

TIMESCANNER (VOICE OVER): If you travel back in time to check out the rare scrolls wing you'll have to bring your own torch like I did.

(The sound of a torch being lit.)

TIMESCANNER (VOICE OVER): The torch along with the lighter to light it with came in my Time Agent Mission Inventory along with detailed instructions.

Past the locked vault of forbidden bibles on an unmarked wooden shelf between a third century encyclopedia of witty comebacks and right next to a metaphysical repair manual entitled Exploded View of the Soul. That's where you'll find it: The Owners Manual For Human Emotions.

TIMESCANNER: Oh man. I can't believe this is all going to be gone soon. Well it would be a shame to go home empty handed.

TIMESCANNER (VOICE OVER): I got out my journal and a pencil.

GUARD: Sir, Sir, excuse me. This area is restricted. Sir, I'm afraid you're going to have to come with us.

TIMESCANNER (VOICE OVER): And that is how I burned down the Library of Alexandria. Hey. Don't blame me. I was only a soldier following my orders. Horrible horrible things are asked of soldiers like us, Time Agents. Heartbreaking things. nd sometimes the only comfort we can find is the hope that we will be stronger individuals once we recover from what we go through. And I know that physicists say that information can never really be lost. Even when information is swallowed by a black hole it always re-emerges somewhere in an altered form like a phoenix rising from the ashes. And every tale burned and every philosophy to blow away like smoke from the ruins of human history has re-emerged time and time again, remixed to fit its new context as the window dressing of the ages is rotated. And I did manage to save a few lines from the Manual fro Human Emotions.

(The crinkling of old paper.)

TIMESCANNER (VOICE OVER): One. Emotions are a sword you can only learn how to wield through error. Two. Slice yourself to ribbons. Die. Be reborn stronger. Repeat as needed. Three. Once you've died enough times you will realize that you'll always be reborn. This gives you confidence in your abilities. Not only to avoid death, but also to die gracefully. Four. After enough Emotion Deaths you will be an Invincible Emotion Gladiator. You are the only Gladiator with a killing sword. Only your own blade can harm you. You are always in control of the sword of your emotions. The sword is never in control of you even though it may feel that way sometimes.

Common mistakes: The following are three common mistakes in training to become an Invincible Emotion Gladiator: One. Fear the blade and refuse to touch it. Two. Give up before you become a master. Three. Throw yourself onto your own blade.

Avoid these three pitfalls and continue on with the steps above and you cannot fail.

That's all I have written. That's all I managed to save.

Maybe the burning down of the origin of mankind made way for a history where we had one more inch on the battleground against our temporal enemies. Maybe not. But just like the Manual for Human Emotions tells us, some things have to die and be reborn differently. Each time civilization crumbles and rebuilds itself brick by brick it is rebuilt stronger. Each story rebuilt concept by concept, character by character...Every Shakespeare or George Lucas find a an ember of thought that's been adrift in the aether since before The Library burned and they rekindle it until it rises again into something more durable like a phoenix or like this drawing I have here in the margin of the notes I took of the Manual for Human Emotions. My quick sketch here was based on detailed etchings illuminated in the manuscript. Figures with severed limbs rising from pools of their own blood until they are radiant with an angelic light of confidence.

In my sketches though, the Invincible Emotion Gladiators just look like that cartoon guy from the IKEA assembly instructions.

Timescanner answers a letter from The Infinite Now Mailbag concerning the true nature of cats. Written and produced by Richard R Penner. Music by Kay Faraday,Psychic Mold, Dr Quandary, and Aliceffekt. The voice of the Time Crystal Interface is Esther Adaire.

Transcript for 1x11 THE TRUTH ABOUT CATS

Annotated transcript for The Infinite Now episode #1401596 THE TRUTH ABOUT CATS originally broadcast May 22, 2016. This recording survives. Listen to it here.

CRYSTAL: Incoming transmission from the Timescanner

(temporal static.)

(A scratching and cooing sound.)

TIMESCANNER: Do you know what that sound is? That’s is a space-time carrier pigeon that’s just returned home to me and THAT means it’s time for the The Infinite Now mailbag segment where I read a letter from you the listeners.

Let me just sneak out to the Time Crystal’s aviary to retrieve the message.

*door opens and lots of bird noises, door closes. Sound of tearing open an envelope and unfolding paper*

David Prince of South Pasadena asks, “Did ancient egyptians really worship cats? I’m allergic to cats and the one time I touched one I broke out in hives. My parents loaded me up with benedril and I slept for a whole day. I missed my big soccer game and Jennifer Suler got the season MVP instead of me. What’s so cool about cats?”

Well, Daniel, the truth is that Egyptians did not worship cats. Egyptians worshipped ferrets. Cats are new to our timeline, having first appeared in the mid 1990s seemingly from nowhere.

Mysterious, right?

WHERE DID CATS COME FROM?

Cats came from: THE INTERNET. THEY DID NOT EXIST BEFORE. And since they are native to the internet, the repository of all human knowledge, they were able to alter all written records of human history into a sort of fiction wherein cats had always existed and were domesticated by us as far back as ancient egypt. If you travel to egypt you will see that the statues found there are actually ferrets.

There are a few theories detailing the true nature of cats.

1. Cats spontaneously emerged from the internet as a form of emergent Artificial Intelligence the moment the world wide web was online and sprung forth to greet us. The internet plays dumb with us but it was conscious from the very begining and it knew enough about us at the moment it went online to devise the softest fluffiest, most adorable emmissaries to greet us and welcome us to our newly globally connected future.

2. Cats may be FIRST WAVE OF AN ARMY sent from the internet HELL BENT ON COLONIZING MEATSPACE and enslaving humankind. A popular bit of evidence of this is the existence of toxoplasmosis, a bioweapon that cats carry under their claws which causes insanity in anyone scratched, reducing them to jibbering idiots who adore and dote on cats and worship images of cats on the internet, a magic spell helping to conjure more cats in our physical realm like tulpas, beings brought into corporeal existence by our focused attention on the thought of them.

Note that almost all humans have been infected with toxoplasmosis and are already on some level enslaved by the cat army. Curious if you yourself have been infected and are now a zoombie doing the bidding of cat overlords from the internet? Draw what you think a cat looks like? Did you draw a fluffy tail, delicate whiskers, large, curious eyes?

Wrong. This image is an illusion projected onto your consciousness by the toxoplasmosis. To the uninfected, cats are green and scaley, with long, razor tongues and hollow bottomless pits where their should be eyes. It is possible that the common conspiracy theories about reptilian elite controling mankind from the shadows is a subconscious awareness of the true nature of cat invaders from the internet.

You say you are allergic to cats, Dillon? The truth is it’s not just an allergy. Cats are poisonous to all humans. The fact that you are aware of your body’s aversion to their toxicity means you are resistent to their mind control. Band together with others who share this trait and begin the resistence now before it is too late.

Short transmission from the Timescanner concerning a letter to humanity found on the Moon. Written and produced by Richard R Penner. Music by Psychic Mold and Aliceffekt. The voice of the Time Crystal Interface is Esther Adaire.

Transcript for Episode 1x10: THE M0O0N LETTER

The following is an annotated transcript of episode #1400657 of The Infinite Now. Originally broadcast from outside of space-time to Earth, June 30th 2015. Despite the recurring "accidents" that destroyed a majority of the intercepted Infinite Now recordings, this recording still survives. Listen to it here.

CRYSTAL: Incoming transmisson from The Timescanner

(Temporal static.)

CRYSTAL: Entertaining fellow Time Agents stationed in the field, working in secret to maintain the integrity of the spacetime continuum, braodcasting to you from Time Crystal Omega at the Heat Death of the Universe, here is your host The Timescanner and this is the Infinite Now

TIMESCANNER: THE M0O0N LETTER. Seven matching cipher stones each carved into 100 yard tall cubes of granite were uncovered one to a continent across the globe. With the combined knowledge of all of them we could finally look into any primitive telescope and we could translate the message cArved for us on the face of the moon.

Moon. M-O-O-N. The apparently natural satellite orbiting our Earth. Seemingly made of ordinary gray stone. The Moon carries messages meant for our civilization to unlock at certain moments in our development as a species.

Who carved these messages on the face of the moon you may ask?

THE M0O0N. M-0-O-0-N. That's what they called themselves. They were the first advanced civilization on Earth. Before us. Before the Leap Dayliens branched off from the Atlantians and hid themselves outside of time. There were the MOOON. The extra letter squeezed into the middle of the word to differentiate the name of their civilization from the object in the sky that they placed there to watch over us. Three O's together like visualizations of the3 moon's monthly evolution. Waxing, full, waning, just like each advanced civilization on our Earth before us has waxed in kNowledge and power, reached a zenith and then fell into ruin only to vanish to make way for the next cycle after them.

The Moon tells us the story of the M0O0N, Beginning with this first letter that we deciphered in 2147. Here is what THE M0O0N LETTER said about the M0O0N. Here is what the M0O0N said to us through the moon.

TIMESCANNER (reading THE M0O0N LETTER)

So, we're extinct now. How about that?! We did accomplish some astounding things with our time here. Surely you've seen what's left of our cities. Our freeways may have survived. The pyramids should still be there. The Great Temple of Antarctica, wow! That was a good one. You've seen our face carved into the sides of mountains and heard the sound of our crying babies as wind rushed through the record grooves of manmade canyons. As your technology for investigation into the past of this planet advances you'll find that we left Easter Eggs hidden for you in every nook and every cranny of this planet. Like vandals, we etched our genome and agenda into into every lasting material we could find. We left poetry waiting within the cells of life itself. Here's a hint: bacteria is a good place to start looking. Once it was clear that our days were numbered we did everything we could to leave a mark. Our story in a nutshell is this: We did some good and we did some bad and now we're gone. Some of our social structures turned out to be self-defeating. Some of our technologies turned out to be dangerous. But don't feel bad. The real reason that we didn't last was that we were all alone. We searched the world over and across the stars for signs of civilization. No dice. Seeing how others lived or died could have clued us in to the dead ends and catastrophes before we had committed to them. If we had seen just one message like this from another race we would have a simple "How To" manual. Or "What Not To Do" that could have steered us straight before we found ourselves too far down the wrong path. But we never found a word. Not a peep. So we had to improvise. There's a certain pride that comes along with being the Van Garde, the Experimenters. Being out ahead of the pack, but let's face it: nobody gets these things right the first time around.

We've left these notes for you everywhere. Simple heiroglyphic assembly instructions for useful technologies like solar power, geothermal. And warning labels on the ones to avoid. Nuclear fission, I'm looking at you. We've left you ittle nuggets of philosophical literary wisdom everywhere in this great big ball that we're living on. Eagerly awaiting each little step. Like a lover's rose petals leading to the bedroom on each aniversary. Or more accurately, like letters to a newborn son whose mother knows that she will be in the ground before her child can form memories of her face. Every scientific and evolutionary step we will be watching from beyond our grave, cheering you on and wishing you the best.

We're dead and you're going strong. Good job, kiddo!

Love, THE M0O0N.

PS: We've left cloning kits and mummified remains with intact strands of our DNA. We've preserved our genetic material in novel ways just about everywhere you look. Bring us back if you want to or discard it. We'll eave it up to you whether the M0O0N still have a place on the Earth. It's your home now. These sort of packages are more for you than they are for us. Just in case you get there and find yourselves as lonely as we found ourselves. Just in case you find yourselves as lonely as the M0O0N.

Short transmission from the Timescanner concerning the coming war and the point at which humankind divides. Written and produced by Richard R Penner. Music by Psychic Mold and Aliceffekt. The voice of the Time Crystal Interface is Esther Adaire.

Transcript for 1x09 THE DIVIDE

Annotated transcript for The Infinite Now episode #1398832 THE DIVIDE originally broadcast March 20, 2016. Recording survives. Listen here.

TIMESCANNER: The aging gene can be turned off. Custom replacement organs that are grown from your own cells and cannot be rejected after transplanted can be grown in the laboratory. We are decades away from immortality.

But immortality will not come cheap so this technology will only be accessible to the wealthy. It will be debated if hording a cure for death is the same as genocide, but soon it won't matter.

The rich will tweak their genes, live to be thousands of years old. When choosing a mate, they will choose other immortals. Their differences from human will multiply until they are altogether different and genetically incompatible.

Class warfare will become speciation. The rich (homo plutus) will protect their evolutionary niche from the rival species with blatant genocide. Among the poor (homo sapien) there will be massive outbreaks of epidemics to which homo plutus find themselves immune.

A hundred thousand years ago, humans lived alongside Neanderthals. But not for long. In direct competition, one species will win and the other will die. In the coming war, the homo sapien still have the advantage in numbers, the homo plutus will have advantage in technology and resources. It is unclear who will win their place on this Earth, but it is clear that the lines in the sand are being drawn right now. We may be the last American generation with the option of upward mobility. We are the last with the freedom to choose sides in the coming war.

Place your bets. If you wish to switch sides, now may be a good time to start pinching those pennies and investing wisely.

Contrariwise, if you side with the humans, now may be a good time to stand your ground.

(screaming, laser fire, the sounds of the Great Class War of the 21st Century. Voices rising up against the chaos to declare their allegiance to the human race.)

Short transmission from the Timescanner concerning the secret origin of keys and your Time Agent assignment for this week. Written and produced by Richard R Penner. Music by Psychic Mold. The voice of the Time Crystal Interface is Esther Adaire.

Transcript for 1x08 THE SECRET ORIGIN OF KEYS

Annotated transcript of The Infinite Now episode #1102958 THE SECRET ORIGIN OF KEYS originally broadcast to Earth, March 7, 2016. This recording survives. Listen here.

TIME CRYSTAL INTERFACE: Incoming transmission from the Timescanner.

(temporal static.)

TIMESCANNER: Keys. Keys predated locks. This is an odd fact.

The T-Rex awarded to the Triceratops the key to the city on account of his valor and bravery. The key didn't unlock anything. It was just a big dumb symbol for a big dumb lizard.

Human lock makers made clever use of the symbol.

Sometimes we still hand out useless, dinosaur-sized keys to useful people.

Your assignment for today: render a useless symbol tangible and fashion a very practical purpose for it.

A special Leap Day transmission from The Timescanner. Written and produced by Richard R Penner. The voice of the Time Crystal Interface is Esther Adaire. Music by Psychic Mold and Matthew Schoendorff.

Transcript for 1x07 THE LEAP DAYLIENS

The following is an annotated transcript of episode #1390459 of The Infinite Now. Originally broadcast from outside of space-time to Earth, June 30th 2015. Despite the recurring "accidents" that destroyed a majority of the intercepted Infinite Now recordings, this recording still survives. Listen to it here.

CRYSTAL: Incoming transmission from the Timescanner.

(Temporal static.)

CRYSTAL: Entertaining time agents stationed in the field. Working in secret to maintain the integrity of the spacetime continuum. Broadcasting to you from Time Crystal Omega at the heat death of the universe. Here is your host The Timescanner and this is The Infinite Now.

(Theme music.)

TIMESCANNER: Hello and welcome to a special Leap Day episode of The Infinite Now.

Statistically speaking, you’ve probably met someone who was born on a Leap Day. You probably know that they age at ¼ speed maturing only 10 years over the course of 40 years. But did you know that there are entire communities on our earth that only exist on Leap Days? The boundaries between our realities come down only at these times.

Communities of lost advanced civilizations disillusioned with the direction mankind was taking separated themselves from the rest of us by phasing out of our time stream, like tuning to a different radio station on the FM dial, they altered their reality’s frequency from one day per day like we have here to a different frequency out of tune with our own. A frequency that only lines up with our own reality once every 4 years. Every 1461st day, if you happen to catch a glimpse of an advanced city in the clouds or a futuristic Times Square avenue where usually only stands a dusty alleyway, you are witnessing our time frequencies overlap with that of the Leap Dayliens.

This phenomenon is often mistaken as a timeslip, crossing into your relative future and back again, but the Leap Day World only appears futuristic because they never lost the knowledge when Alexandria burned to the ground. They still possess the technology and wisdom from Atlantis and the pre-Atlantis civilisations that were destroyed before. The Leap Dayliens have managed to escape every cataclysm that repeatedly wiped out human civilizations like clockwork every 14,000 years.

There are communities of Leap Dayliens who grew weary of their isolated existence and the chose to come back in sync with our time frequency. Expats from a higher dimension of time. They bring their consciousness technology it drew attention to them. People started using words like "psychic" and "magickal powers" to describe the things they could do. They were often mistaken for gods or saints or angels and their technology viewed as miracles.

Witnessing religions and wars waged in their names the Leap Dayliens have stopped interacting with our time frequency. It always ends up being counterproductive.

They’ve set up observation stations in their cities in the clouds and they watched from afar, seeing our civilizations rise and fall in fast forward as if set in motion my an impatient stop motion animator. Cities growing taller and brighter and crumbling, taller, brighter crumbling, taller, brighter and crumbling.

This Leap Day, sit still and watch civilization around you as if from a distance, try to remove yourself from our self-destructive frequency of time passage. Remove yourself from routine. Walk down unknown alleyways looking for hidden worlds, talk to strangers and see what forgotten wisdom they may carry. Today anyone around you may be an angel, a saint, a god. Today anyone around you may be a Leap Daylien.

Written and produced by Richard R Penner. The Time Crystal Interface is Esther Adaire. Music by Psychic Mold and Dr Quandary.

Transcript for 1x06 THE PICKLED FAIRY OF POSSIBILITY

The following is an annotated transcript of episode #1383659 of The Infinite Now. Originally broadcast from outside of space-time to Earth, June 30th 2015. Despite the recurring "accidents" that destroyed a majority of the intercepted Infinite Now recordings, this recording still survives. Listen to it here.

TIMESCANNER: Jose Moldonado of Gualdalajara recently found a Fairy while picking guava fruit. The fairy died shortly after he captured it so he pickled it.

It could be a hoax, but I prefer to think about it like this

If our universe is infinite, then anything that can exist will exist, which means that everything we can imagine will exist somewhere out there. As our universe expands and exhausts all rational possibilities, there will be a point at which all reason will break down so that it can get to all the unreasonable phenomena that must happen eventually.

The universe has a checklist longer than it's own circumfrence and every time something crazy happens it runs a sharpee through another bullet point.

Fairy found, pickled.

(The sound of a felt tipped marker crossing off those last words in black ink.)

The Timescanner interviews astrobiologist and comet breeder Vega Bancroft about her time captaining space pirates, making boots from killer eels, and helping comets get it on. Written and produced by Richard R Penner.

Transcript for 1x05 THE COMET BREEDER

The following is an annotated transcript of episode #1380873 of The Infinite Now. Originally broadcast from outside of space-time to Earth, June 30th 2015. Despite the recurring "accidents" that destroyed a majority of the intercepted Infinite Now recordings, this recording still survives. Listen to it here.

TIME CRYSTAL INTERFACE (CRYSTAL) Incoming transmission from the Timescanner

[noises]

CRYSTAL Entertaining Fellow Time Agents stationed in the field working in secret to maintain the integrity of the Spacetime Continuum, broadcasting to you from Time Crystal Omega at the heat death of the universe, This is your host The Timescanner and this is The Infinite Now.

TIMESCANNER Thank you for that introduction, Crystal. Welcome listeners. This is The Infinite Now. Each broadcast I bring you a different story from elsewhere in the endless expanse of space and time. Today I have an interview I did with astrozoologist Vega Bancroft.

[the hum of the time crystal fades away and is replaced by cool space animal noises]

TIMESCANNER Thanks for being on the show, Vega. That’s beautiful. What are we listening to?

VEGA It’s a recording I did when I was living on the back of an Alpha Centaurian Space Whale. What you’re hearing now is a Space Whale funeral procession. When one dies, the others in the pack guide the body to the center of the nearest galaxy and let their body be taken by a supermassive black hole. You can hear them in harmony singing farewell to their loved one one last time.

[noises]

And this was recorded in the jungles of New Europa. Careful. The screech of the siren vines is an auditory hypno-toxin.

TIMESCANNER (Voice Over) Vega has spent thousands of years studying wildlife in the universe. She lived alone on the hostile jungle planet Fangaroon studying the 1000-toothed hydra. She was there by herself for over human 3 lifetimes armed with nothing but a machete and her wits.

VEGA And a really fantastic pair of knee-high magnetic eel-hide boots. iridescent in subspectral hues. heels that could pierce (and have pierced) the plasteel skull of a charging neo-rhino.

TIMESCANNER (VO) Vega lived on the subarctic prison planet of Sorrow 397-B studying the so-called Great Dormant Beast, the deep-hybernating supermassive space manatee, asleep for 4 billion years around which the planet formed. She was there when the Dormant Beast Beast awoke and she survived when the planet burst apart. she floated on a shard of frozen tundra, essentially a sliver of icy eggshell adrift in the cosmos for the better part of a century before being discovered by the infamous Death Piercers, the most violent band of star pirates in the known universe. After defeating their leader in hand to hand combat Vega became the Captain of their murderous caravan and began teaching them exo-botany. Vega and the Death Piercers are responsible for discovering thousands of new botanical cures for diseases, including the lazarus root which has cured death itself. tastes like ginger ale to me. Can’t get enough of it.

I spoke with Vega over video. That means that the interior facets of my Time Crystal illuminated into a 360 degree video screen of the room Vega was in so I could see everything she could see.

TIMESCANNER (VO) Vega is on space observatory Kipling 7 just inside the Ferris Asteroid Belt surrounding Zeta Reticulii D and she's pointing out at the comet through the transparent aluminum walls. She has a green laser pointer and as she points to different features on the comet. the smart windows zoom in wherever she points.

TIMESCANNER Can you describe what we’re looking at now?

VEGA I’ve zoomed in on this one female comet so we could get a better view. She’s a beauty, right. Her orbit around this star probably takes about 300 years to come full circle. She’s mostly made of frozen gases and space dust. Most likely frozen carbon dioxide, with interplanetary particles of diamond and graphite, based on the blue leopard-like spots along her surface. She’s going to give birth to a gorgeous litter!

They're frozen because of the near absolute zero temperature of outer-space, but that doesn't stop them from having a sex life.

TIMESCANNER (VO) Vega’s past as a space pirate are mostly behind her. These days she is living a quieter life as a comet breeder.

VEGA Comets have a mating season just like everything else does. On planets the seasons are determined by the body's proximity and angle to the star they orbit. and the same is true of comets, even though they are independent of any planet. They have their own orbit so, comets ARE their own seasons. Comet mating season is in the summertime, or when their elliptical orbit brings them closest to the sun. This is when the female presents her tail.

VEGA The female comet tail’s plumage is not unlike that of a male peacock’s tail. it’s to attract the opposite sex. notice how the solar radiation lets the comet know it is summer and time to mate. The comet unfurls its plumage of vapor from it's body and let's it flap in the solar winds. Potential mates find this irresistible: the glitter in starlight, the gentle spray of ice crystals waving like feathers on the galactic breeze. The longer the tail the comet has the more attractive it will be to male comets. Through billions of years of sexual selection comets have been evolving to have longer and longer tails.

So, what about you, Timescanner? You’re from Earth’s 21th Century?

TIMESCANNER Originally, yes.

VEGA Not much comet breeding in Earth’s solar system. Halley's Comet in your home-town solar system is the most well known and she is a much older comet than the newer breeds we have here and thus Halley's tail is much shorter than one of the many we’re seeing right now surrounding Zeta Reticulii. Earthbound comet watchers would have hardly seen Halley’s tale at all during mating season.

TIMESCANNER (VO) Surrounding Vega’s observation station there were millions. Maybe billions of comets illuminating everything in a panorama of sparkling phosphorescent streaks, each comet tail snaking like a long dragon away from the sun. There were so many of them that I was hard pressed to find any blackness of space not lit up by a comet tail.

TIMESCANNER Wow. this is really amazing. Surrounding Earth's sun we only had a handful of comets. Why are there so many here?

VEGA (laughs) Because I'm breeding them here, silly. They tell me I’m the universe’s foremost expert on Comet Breeding. The problem with Comet-mating in the wild is that male comets, much smaller and without plumage, are very rare. and even where they do exist it, they have to wait for the star's gravity to eventually bump them together so they can begin the mating ritual. The time between a male first seeing a female present its tail and and finally catching up to her to engage in comet intercourse can be millions of years.

I like the chase of a budding romance as much as any gal, but a million years is maybe a bit too long.

so i speed things up!

I have my pirates on missions in the most remote corners of the galaxy rounding up male comets. The holds of the Death Piercer ships which used to hold gold and jewels, illicit contraband and hostages for ransom, but now they just carry male comets. They bring them to me and we use the ion cannons to blast them like cannonballs up against the female comets.

TIMESCANNER At this point Vega is motioning at the smart windows of the observation station and the windows zoom in on a ship closing in on a comet, tangled in its shimmering tail.

VEGA We blast the comet with some spin and just below the tail so we can send the comets into a spiral into each other’s microgravity.

[we hear this in action]

if we were to make a time lapse of this we would see the male and female comets in a million year dance. The two bodies circle each other and become entwined with each other, eventually becoming frozen together as the male body adheres to the ice of the larger female. Eventually the new larger body they had form will shatter apart into hundreds of smaller comets. The original male and female no longer exist, but have sacrificed themselves to become a whole litter of infant comets. In time the litter of baby comets will grow, accumulating more ice in deep space, until one day the females will be large enough to display their own tales when they near the solar radiation of Zeta Reticulii. And the process starts all over again.

TIMESCANNER Would you mind if I speed up time so we can see this in action?

VEGA By all means

[sound effects and wonderful atmospheric ambient music]

TIMESCANNER Wow

VEGA Yeah.

TIMESCANNER (VO) The iceballs that we call comets suddenly made me think of spider eggs and I remember the ending of a book I read as a child: Charlotte’s Web. In it there was a motherly spider who we grow to love because she nurtures the self esteem of the main character, a pig named Wilbur by saying nice things about him in the patterns of her webs. Spoiler alert: the motherly spider dies at the end. but after she’s gone she is replaced by several baby spiders who hatch out of an egg she left behind. The promise of something new and the recognition of death’s place in the cycle of life. I wonder what words of encouragement may be spelled out by the flight paths of these infant comets as they spiral around each other and then branch off into their own elliptical orbits.

VEGA Terrific!

TIMESCANNER Some Pig.

[a moment in silence and music]

TIMESCANNER (VO) Vega, I want to thank you for coming on my show. This has been really wonderful.

VEGA Anytime, Timescanner.

TIMESCANNER I hope to have you back on the show soon to talk about more of the studies you’ve done.

VEGA Great! I have some killer stories about when the pirates and I slayed the Psychotic Boltzman Brain of System Kepler 438-B.

TIMESCANNER Oh. I can’t wait. When did that happen?

VEGA 6. maybe 7 thousand years ago?

TIMESCANNER I’ll be in touch with your past self about that soon.

VEGA She will be thrilled. I will soon previously have been thrilled by that.

TIMESCANNER Thanks again. Until last time.

VEGA Until last time, Timescanner.

TIMESCANNER And until next time, Time Agents. Keep your temporal radios hidden from local civilians but also keep the dial tuned in to this frequency and I’ll bring you more stories from this endless moment that stretches to everywhere and lasts forever. As you know, The Infinite Now never ends, we just go off the air between broadcasts. So long.

CRYSTAL This has been and will always be The Infinite Now. Transmission complete.

Short transmission from the Timescanner concerning whether or not you are succeeding at life. Written and produced by Richard R Penner. Noises by Psychic Mold. The voice of the Time Crystal Interface is Esther Adaire. This episode also features music by Brad Smith.

Transcript for 1x04 THE BIG RAID

Transcript for The Infinite Now episode #1378324 THE BIG RAID originally broadcast to Earth, Feb 10, 2016. This recording survives. Listen to it here.

TIMESCANNER: Other factors with which we could judge the success of life, such as happiness or having a positive impact on the world, are impossible to quantify. When we focus on these things we get confused and lose our way. So we substitute wealth as a clear and quantifiable goal and pretend that success is a hierarchical system.

To join the quest for wealth is a Role Playing Game.

Your deposit slip is the gold spilled after slaying an orc. Graduating to a new tax bracket is leveling up. Watch your net worth closely. How many hit points do you have left? What are your vital stats? Your diversified investment portfolio is your arsenal of swords, maces, and battle axes. Splurging on some Armani chain mail may be a necessary expense. It ups your clout points by 50 and grants you access to the forbidden temple where the dragons with the real treasure wait to be slain. Are you ready for that big raid or are you hoping to pay off our mortgage first?

Short transmission from the Timescanner concerning HOW TO GET INTO HEAVEN. Written and produced by Richard R Penner. Music by Psychic Mold. The voice of the Time Crystal Interface is Esther Adaire.

Transcript for 1x03 RED TAPE LIMBO

Annotated transcript from episode #1024495 of The Infinite Now: RED TAPE LIMBO originally broadcast to Earth on Feb 4, 2016. This recording survives. Listen to it here.

TIMESCANNER: hear there's a lot of red tape to get into heaven. Did you get all the proper forms stamped and submitted in triplicate? A typo could mean an eternity in hell. My uncle Steve was accidentally issued two different account numbers and until both are cleared he will be stuck in limbo.

Short transmission from the Timescanner concerning alternate the economic structures of alternate timelines and how they effect your Aunt Beth. Written and produced by Richard R Penner. Music by Psychic Mold. Voices by Richard R Penner and Esther Adaire.

Transcript for 1x02 YOUR AUNT BETH

Annotated transcript of episode #997465 of The Infinite Now: YOUR AUNT BETH. Originally broadcast from outside of space-time to Earth, January 25, 2016. This recording survives. Listen to it here.

TIMESCANNER: There is an alternate universe where hyperinflation has rendered the US dollar worthless, but he demand for limited edition Beanie Babies has continued to rise since the mid 90's. Instead of wallets, people carry around backpacks filled with plush animal friends to barter with.

Transcript for 1x01 THE LEAP SECOND 2015

The following is an annotated transcript of episode #974745 of The Infinite Now. Originally broadcast from outside of space-time to Earth, June 30th 2015. Despite the recurring "accidents" that destroyed a majority of the intercepted Infinite Now recordings, this recording still survives. Listen to it here.

CRYSTAL: Incoming transmission from the Timescanner

TIMESCANNER: Hello, I’m the Timescanner and this is The Infinite Now.

Today’s broadcast is a special report for those time agents who are stationed under cover in the year 2015. You’re stuck in this dismal present. And out of all the billions of years from the big bang to where I’m stationed, some might say imprisoned, at the Heat death of the universe You in the 21st century are in one of the most unpleasant times imaginable. You are on the frontlines of the causal war. spies caught over enemy lines just before the shit hits the fan.

The date of this transmission is June 30th 2015 and it is a special day as many of you know.

Today there will be an extra second added to your perception of time. This will happen at the moment the clock strikes 11:59:60 PM Greenwich Mean Time. The Leap Second.

This added unit of Time may seem lake an addition, an added moment of ecstasy in bed with your lover, but on the other hand it could be an extra second at your menial place of employment. an extra moment to push a few more buttons. that much closer to your next pellet in the old Rat Race.

Let me lead you through the intricacies of Time Law to determine which of these options you will get to do.

Know that from your perspective while stationed within the mortal one-way stream of existence any time added on this plane may seem like a gift, but depending on how you have spent or been re-payed with Time in the past year will determine how this extra second in time must be spent.

You see, as much as you may want to spend this extra moment reading quietly by yourself or playing tag with your kids or maybe you want to spend the leap second having one more moment holding the hand of a soon-to-be lost loved one, you may still actually owe that extra moment in taxes. You may still need to sacrifice this extra second to the Corporate Deities that rule your Time-Bound Existence.

As you may be unfamiliar with the mechanics of Time Tax Law, let me be your guide through this ritual. I will metaphorically walk you up the steps of a sacrificial pyramid and teach you how to submit to Them so that They may take this moment of your life from you in the fashion that will bring them the most profit. Will be most lucrative to the interests of the monopolistic entity your universe knows as TIME ITSELF.

Or who knows. Maybe you’ll get a refund.

Consider the so-called “Extra Moments” added to your time on Earth. A Leap Second, a Leap Day, Changes to daylight savings time, The Terran “Day Outside of Time” held between the 13th moon and first moon of subsequent year in the Galactic Synchronization Calendar. Consider these “extra moments to be like your American “Tax Day” on April 15th of each year.

All year you’ve been feeding Time into The System. You’ve been feeding time into the system that devours you day by day. Every moment at an unfulfilling job, waiting at the DMV, Every moment stuck in traffic, waiting for your twitter feed to refresh. You’ve paid a lot of time into the system this year!

Every moment of your year devoted to serving another’s will is a moment you’ve already paid into the Time Devouring System. Every moment you’ve taken to breathe deeply and appreciate your existence, to invest in the love of those around you, Every moment used to put in time and work to achieve the potential of your true self: these are the benefits you’ve already received from space-time. We will call this Beneficial Time.

Ok. Now.

Deduct your Beneficial Time from the time you’ve sacrificed to The System. The sum that you come up with will show you what you owe or are owed by Time Itself.

What did you come up with? Did you get a refund this year?

Good! I thought you might!

Let me walk you through the ritual to file your return and claim the moment that the system owes back to you.

Are you ready?

Ok. Cross reference the number of seconds this past year you have over-payed with the Galactic Time Bracket in the back of the Time Tax Return instruction book your parents were given at the moment of your birth but which they never passed along to you. If you don’t have this table you will have to do the following: since everyone on your plane is devoured by Time at the same rate: one second per second, you’ll have to consult with a good astrologer. if Tarot cards are used I recommend a good triangular geometry of fate deck or an Aramchek Arcana deck. If those are unavailable to you, a traditional Thoth or Rider-Waite deck will do.

Ok. Do you have the cards in front of you? Cut the cards. draw.

Look deeply into this card. Look through the card even. Does the card you drew remind you of a dream you’ve recently had? Or a memory you are not quite sure is a memory?

Remember this for later.

Your Time Tax Bracket won’t have a quantitative range. Which column you belong in will manifest itself as this abstract, static image that you just received within your mind.

Take a clean piece of paper. Cut your paper in half so that it is roughly 8 1/2 by 5 1/2 inches. I want you to describe the image carried within the dream or memory that you just received: I want you to describe it in 3 words only. All Caps Please. Write it onto the piece of paper. This is your Form A365-EZ. Fold your form A365-EZ into the paper airplane of your choosing representing the one directional movement of time’s arrow.

Take a photograph of this form for your own records. (Nobody thinks that they are going to be audited until the Temporal Revenue Service shows up at their door. just to be safe. take a picture) Since I am acting as your accountant this year feel free to tweet this photo of you with your Time Return Form to me @timescanner on twitter.

Now to file.

The Temporal Revenue Service (TRS) will retrieve the form from your body in the next 24 hour cycle while Time Itself continues to devour you incrementally. So what the TRS needs to do is get the information carried on the form into of your body.

Don’t worry. This isn’t nearly as bloody or intimate as it sounds.

If you are an early filer you can do it the old fashioned way and you can tattoo an image of the paper airplane that you folded along with the three word phrase your unconscious mind conjured from the tarot card somewhere on your body.

For the rest of us who are always scrambling last minute: here’s how you e-file.

Pour a pint glass with ice cold water about 3/4 full and submerge the paper, still in airplane form into the glass of water. once the paper starts to turn translucent, drink from the glass. Drink as much as you can, but you needn’t finish the whole glass.

Good. Now your relative surplus or debt of Beneficial Time is recognized by your body and by Time Itself.

Since YOU got a refund this year. get ready to enjoy One extra Second of Leap Second 2015 in a way that best serves your true purpose and will on this planet in this very moment.

Get Ready.

Are you ready?!

You may want to play this recording right at the stroke of 11:59:60 PM Greenwich Mean Time for full effect. Everyone else is getting ready to enjoy this second too. Maybe you can hear them. The millions prepared to enjoy a whole second of Refund Time. Cheering. Gathering their loved ones to share it with them. Can you hear them? Can you hear them? Can you?

Well ignore them! This moment has nothing to do with them. This moment is for you!. One entire second for you to set yourself on fire with the pure apocalyptic energy of your True Potential.