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02 December 2015

Sage, Rosemary, and Thyme

The thyme is scraggly, the rosemary is hanging in there, but the (purple!) sage is thriving! I think I take a picture of the dew every time I walk by the sage and the furry fennel. I just can't help myself. I spent a good 5 hours at the hospital with Azure yesterday. She tripped and hit her nose on a bench in the backyard and the way it swelled up, it looked broken, in addition to the laceration on top and blood coming from all directions. Ryan wasn't home and I just had Drummer and Clover. Fortunately Ryan's mom came rushing over while I took Azure to urgent care (who said she needed stitches) and then the children's hospital.

5 hours sitting and waiting, waiting and sitting gives one ample time to clean one's purse. But there are only so many receipts to throw away and only so many forgotten snacks one can eat (we were starving!) before you're just left with time. Time to ponder. Life is funny how we get thrown these curveballs. And more importantly, how we handle said curveballs. I've been asking for inspiration on how to love Azure more fully. She came feisty, and she came with the urge to right all the wrongs of the world...and to tell me about them. I don't know if she feels I don't worry enough, or punish frequently or severely enough, but she wants justice and equality to the nth degree. You'd think this mentality would wear down such a small human being, but it doesn't. Ever. On the other hand, it wears me down like the largest, grittiest sandpaper manufactured. I suppose I was praying for her to change. Or, rather, how we could help her change. But as I sat with her little body next to mine in the waiting room, I realized that perhaps it was a tender mercy, this whole hospital thing. My heart was softened. This time we spent together, hardly a word of complaint uttered, we mostly sat in silence. The sage advice that came to my mind was that we can't change others. Not even our children. We will only drive ourselves mad trying to do so. I found myself giving these same words to Olive this morning about a girl who is mean to her at school. We will not be judged by other's actions toward us, only our actions towards them. It's so simple, isn't it? Simple but sage.

Oh. And her nose wasn't broken. Just a bit of glue and we went on our way. ;)

My nine-year old daughter is so different from how I always thought my daughter would be. Sometimes I still mourn the child I expected, but at the same time fiercely loving the one I got. Even when she does wear me down, over and over.

I love all your posts, I love your writing voice. These are the ones I love the most. The way you speak of your children and of mothering in raw, yet respectful, tones matches the voice in my heart. They are the harsh and tender words I have for my own girls. Thank you so much for sharing your inner thoughts and spiritual journeys. Much love to you and yours.

I love all your posts, I love your writing voice. These are the ones I love the most. The way you speak of your children and of mothering in raw, yet respectful, tones matches the voice in my heart. They are the harsh and tender words I have for my own girls. Thank you so much for sharing your inner thoughts and spiritual journeys. Much love to you and yours.