so lovely sarah came round on saturday and stopped me going mad all weekend. we walked in the cold and made quinoa food and watched the muppets and had a very healthy time. she agreed/volunteered to tackle 'the national anthem' on our kid a covers album - everyone's still doing that, aren't they? last thing i remember was some dispute over who was doing 'in limbo', with both thom and andy vying for it. well, whoever gets in first (the other can get put on too, as an extra bonus track. i'm sure they'll both be very good).

Saturday

i know technology is great and everything, the what happened yesterday completely baffled me.

i bought super furry animals' 'rings around the world' dvd a while ago; partly for the videos, partly for the surround sound (eventually) and partly for all the remixes (it also has even more bonus tracks than that on it). i intended to record the remixes onto cd and have them playable anywhere. the sound didn't sound quite correct through my computer dvd player, so yesterday, while the house was empty, i moved the pc into the living room there and recorded the album onto the hard drive as a large, single, hi-res file.

i then went into nero and split it up into all the different tracks, which took the processor ages because the file was so big, then had to split it across two cds, and finally i had two cd quality super furry animals albums. result! this, i find, is the best way to make mp3s out of audio data; burn onto cd and rip back onto the computer. i'm sure there must be an app that does it without making the cd, but then i like having the cd too.

so then i came to put the 'remixes around the world' cd back into the computer to rip.andthenamescameup.

this cd is not one can buy. i have put the track marks in myself, so they won't all be in exactly the right places. i didn't write the track names on. the only thing it can have gone off with accuracy is the number of tracks, and inaccurately, the approximate length of the tracks. i find that remarkable.

being alone at home, i instinctively want to do all naughty things that i couldn't do while being observed. but then i realise that none of them are any fun, so i just put the fire on, make some pasta and read and listen to music and feed the cat.

oh, and this morning i had a dream that i was visiting laurence and julie, and it was so realistic that until i looked out from underneath the covers i thought i was there.

Thursday

i've done a new song. there was a time when i envisioned 'gold top' as a rocking indie anthem, but oh, all the layers, all the pages of notes on structure.. that's why i left it off purple milk e.p. (it's kind of a sister to purple milk, title wise, although it was written afore and has nothing to do with milk at all). it works like this.

i recorded two tracks in about two hours yesterday; this and 'theme from "on benefit"' which i won't put up (it belongs as a sub-track in the middle of 'on benefit'). when i finish 'new boyfriend' i don't think i'll put that up either, since it's too long for soundclick, and wouldn't it be nice to wait for the cd for once?

so anyway.

i signed back onto the dole. i will endevour (en devour?) to get back off it quickly.

another nice evening in last night. being with a person in certain situations really makes me face up to certain things. i'm nervous in situations where i'd like to be comfortable. this doesn't mean i should avoid those arenas; but i should not force myself, or be forced, either. i need to be eased in, much like the classic frog in the pan of water analogy, but in the opposite direction; i want to be boiled alive, but can't help jumping out when it all gets too hot. it's all so zen. but then everything is.

three years since i met rach today. have a drink on me, darling.

home alone for the weekend (god, this is the post that won't shut up, isn't it?), except for saturday when the lovely sarah 'toy' gill will be coming to visit me and everything. lets hope a dozen veggiedogs can see me through until monday!

Monday

i haven't been able to get this song out of my head (and i hope you notice how long it's been since i've posted smiths lyrics):

Smoke Lingers 'round your fingers Train Heave on - to Euston Do you think you've made The right decision this time ? Oh ...

You left Your tired family grieving And you think they're sad because you're leaving But did you see Jealousy in the eyes Of the ones who had to stay behind ? And do you think you've made The right decision this time ?

You left Your girlfriend on the platform With this really ragged notion that you'll return But she knows That when he goes He really goes And do you think you've made The right decision this time ?

if there's any confusion, i haven't made a decision. i'm going nowhere (fast) for a while. but i can't sleep at night for the thought of the sound of trains heading south, and what it means.

and the idea that my family would be jealous of me is a little out of sync.

Saturday

i can't remember what i was going to write today. i'm too shocked. i'm quite upset.

i do have a joke though; i don't feel like telling it but maye it'll help.

did you hear about the man who married a bowl of thick soup? he couldn't consommate it.

and then there is

i went on a walking holiday in ireland a week a couple of years ago. all the way, there was this girl in our group who was walking in front of me, and she had a great arse. ah, i'll never forget that derry air.

i feel like saying, 'i'll talk to you later' to everyone in the most dismissive way possible.

Wednesday

neoliberals think that unfettered business is good for everyone, right? new labour gave into this ideology - they thought people would be better off if their employers provided for them. i'm of the opinion mandy and blair came up with this not through hatred of big government, but they thought that business versus goverment was a battle they couldn't win, so business would have to provide what the british government could no longer afford to. if people in the u.k. had necesseties provided by government, that would mean higher taxes, bad for businesses, who are flexible now. businesses - metahumans - don't need britain. now, they're choosing where to base themselves. thanks for that, thatcherites. well done. would it have happened anyway? was thatcherism/neoliberalism a response to gloabl trends or the instigator? of course that's an impossible question (cause/effect/cause/effect...). but my point is, mandy and blair reckoned that the best they could do for people was to attract businesses to britain by being competitive. yes, public services would suffer, but they would suffer even more if people were unemployed and couldn't afford to pay taxes to fund them. so they surrendered. business won.

now of course, businesses are selfish. they won't provide services to anyone but themselves and their employees (if they're lucky, or in demand). most metahumans don't consider the external costs, so neoliberalism is in fact based on a convinent lie, since most neoliberals are wealthy and them and their friends will do well out of neolib policy.

so the problem is:we need big government to protect us from big business. that's what it's for, not for attacking other governments.but big governments are bad too. the bigger they get, the less accountable they are (i concede that our government is probably more accountable now than, say, when we had divinely appointed monarchs, and is probably the most accountable now than at any time gone except for the civil war, when we got the government we fought for [unless you were a leveller, digger, or quaker etc.]). the fear of direct rebuke from the populace (this is meant to be a democracy, and nothing is more democratic than going out into the street and letting one's opinion be known) diminishes, and the more they can get away with. i'm afraid of governments.

so as i write this off the top of my head, it occurs to me that the bit that's bad is big. governments can work, when they're in touch with the people they govern - or rather, when they are the people they govern. but how can small community groups achieve anything, or protect themselves from marauders? we need a much stronger framework, all the way up to a world government. but with everyone employed in government in some way, who's going to be left to grow the crops? it's intractable. maybe they'll always be problems in the world. hey, we should live so long!

Tuesday

my hatred of myspac is increasing. a myspace page is not a replacement for an actual website, nor is it essential to your life. it is badness. stop myspacing! it is like 'the nothing' in the neverending story; when you look at it, it is as if you are blind, but people are drawn into it's emptiness, and it takes a huge force of pure will to not cast oneself into it.

but still, it hurts when someone removes me as a friend. someone went to the effort of actually thinking 'i don't want grilly as a friend anymore'. sure i've done it, but that was someone who sucked (an american 16 y-o who liked my berserker cover. i removed him when he forwarded a bulletin saying he was proud to be white). so, chloe, was 58 friends too many for you? i'm sorry if i hurt you. i'm sorry if i bored you. actually i suppose i don't really care, since it was quite a reasonable thing to do with someone who you've lost touch with. but did you have to admit we've lost touch?

during a production of waiting for godot, someone gets up from the audience and says, "hello! it's godot! i'm here!" the actors ignore her, and the steward comes and escorts her out. but the audience member is a plant, an actor actually playing the part of godot - and the characters vladimir and estragon sadly have been waiting for so long, that when godot comes, they do not recognise her.

either the personality test has moved on quite a way, or i've become a sap, because i found these two quite enjoyable:

DragonflyBlade21: A woman has a close male friend. This means thathe is probably interested in her, which is why he hangs around so much.She sees him strictly as a friend. This always starts out with, you'rea great guy, but I don't like you in that way. This is roughly theequivalent for the guy of going to a job interview and the companysaying, You have a great resume, you have all the qualifications we arelooking for, but we're not going to hire you. We will, however, useyour resume as the basis for comparison for all other applicants. But,we're going to hire somebody who is far less qualified and is probablyan alcoholic. And if he doesn't work out, we'll hire somebody else, butstill not you. In fact, we will never hire you. But we will call youfrom time to time to complain about the person that we hired.

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 79% on despair

You scored higher than 3% on potential

You scored higher than 58% on feelings

You scored higher than 48% on patience

john walker's 'are you good enough to exist?' test

Worthless Human

You managed 70% Humanity.

Here's why you're evil: You're propably aware of how incrediblyirritating and frustrating you are. And yet you do it anyway.Those scoring lower than you will obviously suffer the same miserablefate, but you - you're going to be conscious of what's happening to you. But still too dimwitted to rescue yourself.

You are definately a horrible person, and you are hereby banned from all public places, including roads.

My test tracked 1 variable How you compared to other people your age and gender:

Monday

It intends to launch its first titles in mid-2006 and will simultaneously be exploring partnerships for animation development. Mr Branson said Virgin Comics would "help to launch the Indian comic market and spin it into the west".

so the idea, if i read this rightly, is for virgin to create a market in a foreign country, and then sell it back to the west as something foreign? is it just me that thinks that that is clinically, cyclically, cynical?

oh yeah, and lots of other bad shit happened in the world. 'pachalafaka'... they whisper it all over turkey. either that or they're choking to death with aivian flu!! (NOTE: THIS JOKE IS A BIT OBSCURE AND I ONLY MADE IT UP FOR MY MUM TODAY. PACHALAFAKA WAS A SONG ON THE MUPPET SHOW BOXED SET THAT I GOT FOR XMAS AND FURTHER INVESTIGATION REVEALS IT WAS RECORDED BY SOUPY SMALLS IN THE 60S AS THE B-SIDE TO HIS 'SMALL HIT' THE MOUSE. I JUST DELETED THIS ENTIRE PARAGRAPH BUT I THOUGHT I'D LEAVE IT UP AS A MONUMENT TO WASTED TIME)

i was listening to my compilation 'the hanging tree' last night. i still like it, though it could be shorter. dig it out and give it a listen, and i'll do the same for yours.

anyway, i've printed off the street fighter II' soundtrack and it's awesome, even despite the cheesiness of the end-sequence tunes. the sound effects library at the end didn't quite work because the tracks were too short, but that's easily remedied. so who wants a copy? this is a real offer, and it's a great cd that you will love and cherish and put on at parties when you're trying to be elitest (as in 'most elite'). i might put a page up for it. the internet needs it back.

Wednesday

where's my snes? i need my snes. i need it so i can record the street fighter II': championship edition sound effects and use them for drums on part two of my forthcoming 15-minute epic 'newboyfriend'. i need them to be complete!

once again, i must remind myself that music is a hobby, not a reason to live.