10 Things You Can't Complain About (But Want To)

If you live in many places, it gets really cold and shitty for 3-5 months every single year, and it sucks really bad! But if you try to complain about it, you'll likely either be reminded that this happens every year (it's called 'Winter' you Dumb Season-Name-Forgetty Person!) or that if you think THIS is cold, you should try living in THIS OTHER PLACE that exists where your friend used to live and is A LITTLE COLDER!

Both of those people will be correct. Also, shut up, those people. But don't risk it. Just accept the cold and silently ponder the metaphysics of deleting the winter months from existence.

Everyone is constantly tired, all the time, every time of day, and everyone 'needs to get to bed earlier' and 'probably not drink as much next weekend' and 'stop staying up til Error:Undefined a.m. streaming episodes of a British show that might not actually exist outside of your hallucinations, then the sun comes up and sneers at you with its cartoon arms folded.'

That happens to all of us. It's much more noteworthy when you're NOT tired. And that is a very boring thing to point out, so, just scrap all 'tired'-related speaking.

Guess what! Everyone's heard every bad flight thing ever and there's nothing new you can complain about. Unless you literally call someone to complain real fast as your plane's literally crashing. Then you have EVERY RIGHT to be real steamed!

I play Fantasy Everything constantly, and even I don't care when someone complains to me about what happened to their fantasy team, so I can't even imagine what it's like for you Normal-Os (you poor, incredibly fortunate extra-time-having not-into-Fantasy people) to hear about it.

But then crazy shit goes wrong with MY fantasy team, and I want to complain about it, then a thought bubble pops up and I replay the previous scene in my life when someone told me about their team, and I instantly think better about it and swallow my (Fantasy) anger.

"Oh my God, this article is so dumb, and the first comment on it is even DUMBER!"

"Yeah, people online are stupid all the time, constantly. It always happens."

"No, I know people are always really dumb online, but wait'll you see THIS person, they're like, SOOO dumb."

"Yes, I know people are SOOO dumb."

"No, I know people are always SOOO dumb, but this person is SUPER EXTRA BEYOND ULTRA DUMB---"

[Wants to share the article to make fun of it but also doesn't want to give it extra attention, ends up debating this for a half hour]

"SORRY I'M LATE, the train was delayed, we were stopped for like twenty minutes!"

"Yeah, you're forty minutes late."

"........ also I left really late for no reason. Like I do for everything. I'll just... what if we... hi."

Think your boss or your co-workers are annoying? Then definitely complain about them to your friends who don't have jobs. They'll totally be like, "aw man, that DOES sound shitty, I didn't realize how lucky we all were to be so free of slightly annoying chewing noises and money."

"So I ended up not doing laundry for 6 weeks because I thought I could do it the night before I went on this trip, and then I didn't end up having time, so now I'm stuck with dirty clothes! I'm talking to a banana I am holding, because any human would know I obviously messed up here, I just still feel like complaining, so I grabbed a random object."

[Pan out, person is talking to a literal banana. And even the banana's kind of like, "ya fucked up dude"]

Hearing about someone's dream in any context is instantly boring and surprisingly the-same-seeming no matter how weird the dream is, so even if you had some ultra-disturbing dream you can't make sense of and briefly think you're in a work of literature or tv show or movie (where dreams are always prophetic & meaningful and aren't just goofy nonsense about the show you had on before you fell asleep and some dude named Adam's there), just, don't drag anyone else into it, lest ye be dragged into theirs.

Get in a relationship. Then you'll have someone to tell about your dreams. They still won't care, but at least they're romantically obligated to listen.

"Ahhhhh dammit my HEADPHONES aren't charged!"

[Thinks about literally any other problem in the world for 0.01 seconds]