“Listen babe, what you see is what you get – little JB don’t get no shrinkage. It goes in looking like a pool noodle and it stays looking like a pool noodle. Next question? Yeah, you in the red with the sweet rack. Stand up sugar, let Joey B get a good look at ya.”

According to the soon-to-be released tell-all, The First Family Detail (via NY Daily News) some loose-lipped Secret Service agents have spilled the T on a bunch of higher-up Washington types, like the President and Hillary Clinton, but the best dirt is about Vice President Joe Biden. Apparently, America’s sexy septuagenarian stud muffin likes to kick back at the end of a long day by stripping out of his suit, grabbing an ice-cold brewski and floating around naked in the pool. Unfortunately, some members of the Secret Service don’t much care for seeing Joe Biden’s bare ass:

Biden is portrayed as being more interested in coming off as a “regular Joe” than being potentially responsible for the nation’s nuclear codes.

“Agents say that, whether at the vice president’s residence or at his home in Delaware, Biden has a habit of swimming in his pool nude. Female Secret Service agents find that offensive.”

I understand that seeing the flaccid wrinkled penis and saggy silver-haired balls of a 71-year-old isn’t everybody’s cup of tea, but how bad could Joe Biden’s junk be? It probably looks like a sleepy little hairless mouse nestled in a fluffy pile of cotton. I feel like the real reason they’re offended is that no one has invented time travel yet and they can’t watch this hot young version of Joe Biden go skinny dipping instead:

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