CHICAGO—Unable to picture where in the Grand Realm the destroyed fortress was in relation to the dreaded desert of Quiltar, a fully grown adult man referred to the map on the opening pages of the fantasy novel The Tower Of Astalon Friday to d...

GENEVA—Drawing leading luminaries from the two fields, an international conference held this week at the University of Geneva brought together hundreds of esteemed theoretical physicists and rhythm-and-blues artists to present their research into th...

Obama spends another night searching behind White House paintings for safes, an autopsy determines a total loser's corpse contained no traces of drugs or alcohol, and a superstitious Delta Airlines adds busty mermaids to its plane noses.

HOUSTON—Frustrating all those in attendance at Thursday night’s game between the Oakland Athletics and the Houston Astros, a local dumbfuck shown on the stadium’s Jumbotron decided to wait until the last goddamn second before waving to t...

NEW YORK—Their hearts pounding, the world’s leading figures in politics, entertainment, business, and technology reportedly crowded around a sheet of paper tacked to Time managing editor Nancy Gibbs’ office door Thursday, in hopes...

BURBANK, CA—Citing a groundswell of praise for such stereotype-bucking princess films as Frozen, Brave, and Tangled, Walt Disney Company CEO Bob Iger said Thursday his company has probably accumulated enough goodwill to make its...

DAYTON, OH—Able to call to mind a unique anecdote for each grease smudge, errant pen mark, and splash of barbecue sauce, local man Thomas Newcomb, 31, has a story for every single stain on his pants, sources confirmed Thursday.

Employees at Gillman’s Hardware confirmed Monday that despite the company’s small size, single location, and the fact that it has been family owned and operated for over 35 years, it still manages to treat its staff as if they worked at a face... Full article.

WORTHINGTON, MA—While struggling to be heard over the deafening roar of nu-metal and late-’90s rap-rock, patrons announced Wednesday night that the music at Liston’s Bar and Grill could probably stand to be just a bit louder and a touch ...

LOS ANGELES—Telling them that a first-quarter illegal use of hands is something that will stick with them for the rest of their game, Los Angeles Clippers point guard Chris Paul reportedly spent Wednesday afternoon encouraging an assembly of student...

SEATTLE—Twenty-one games into the $240 million contract he signed with the team in December, Seattle Mariners’ second baseman Robinson Cano admitted to reporters Thursday that he did not initially realize the organization also expected him to ...

PHILADELPHIA—In the midst of his frantic attempt to conceal a corpse early Wednesday morning, a panicked Marc Summers came to the realization that police officers would immediately think to look for the mangled body in the huge pile of mashed potato...

LINCOLN, NE—Granting it the same distinction as the playground where a third-grader stepped on a huge needle and the community swimming pool where someone dove in and broke his neck, neighborhood sources confirmed Wednesday that the grade-schoolers ...

WASHINGTON—Forcing the grisly and rarely acknowledged practices into the public eye, a group of activists posted several disturbing videos online this week that expose how most meat products are eaten, sources confirmed. Secretly filmed on cell phon...

ENID, OK—Reportedly seeking to indulge his twisted desires for the third time in as many nights, perverted 6-year-old Kyle Rogers entered his parents’ bedroom Tuesday night and directly asked if he could sleep with both of them, household sour...

NEW YORK—With the 2014 NFL Draft less than a month away, sources confirmed Tuesday that GMs from across the league are closely studying a Bleacher Report slideshow titled “Ranking The Top 100 NFL Draft Prospects” before making their fina...

SEATTLE—Suggesting that the victim’s death was likely the most interesting thing that had ever happened to him, Seattle city coroner Philip Grossman told reporters Wednesday that the 38-year-old local loser he was autopsying had nothing remote...

WASHINGTON—Quietly tiptoeing between the East Room and the Lincoln Bedroom in the dead of night Monday, President Obama once again spent another evening peeking behind the scores of paintings located throughout the White House in hopes of locating a...

LAS VEGAS—Calling the practice a proven method for keeping players engaged, several Nevada casinos confirmed this week they often tell patrons that the rest of civilization has been obliterated in a worldwide catastrophic event and that the gambling...

PINE BLUFF, AR—Telling their son he should take it easy because he deserves it, the parents of 26-year-old Austin, TX resident Jason Gibney referred to the time he spent visiting his family in Arkansas over the Easter weekend as a vacation, househol...

PASADENA, CA—Citing such cutting-edge advancements as integrated timers with automatic shut-off features, adjustable rotation speeds, and exterior handles that remain cool to the touch throughout cooking, a report released Tuesday by researchers at ...

SEATTLE—Unsettled by the increasingly earnest tone of his friend’s words, local man Ryan Lauden, 29, told reporters Monday that his former college roommate Chris Marcotte’s repeated threats to visit him have recently grown uncomfortably ...

BALTIMORE—In an effort to improve spectator safety, Oriole Park at Camden Yards personnel announced Monday that the ballpark’s concession stands will henceforth stop selling crack cocaine at the conclusion of the seventh inning.

SAN DIEGO—Admiring his rapid advancement from a junior sales position to a management role in an unprecedented six months, sources at Forge Media said Monday that coworker Mark Pisciotto’s meteoric rise through the company is a true testament ...

HAMILTON, OH—Despite being the beneficiary of numerous societal advantages and having faced little to no major adversity throughout his life, local man Travis Benton has spent the last four years squandering his white male privilege on a sales floor...

DENVER—Establishing Colorado as a pioneer in recognizing the therapeutic benefits of explosions, a new law passed Tuesday will allow state residents with a doctor’s prescription to acquire small quantities of medicinal fireworks.

The Pros And Cons Of Gun Control

While anti-violence activists continue to push for stricter gun laws including an all-out ban on assault weapons, gun advocates have dug in their heels, arguing that banning firearms and concealed carry violates people’s rights. Here are arguments for and against gun control:

PROS OF GUN CONTROL:

Advances the NRA’s mission of responsibility with firearms

Cold, dead hands free to hold other things

Mailroom guy just stormed off after getting fired

Guns are so loud!

Nerds, freaks, and weirdos could once again be put in their place without fear of reprisal

Still hundreds of other ways to murder people out there

Family not worth defending

CONS OF GUN CONTROL:

Ugh, already bought so many guns

Leaves citizens defenseless against government with world’s largest military, vast stockpile of nuclear weapons

More from this section

NEW YORK—Their hearts pounding, the world’s leading figures in politics, entertainment, business, and technology reportedly crowded around a sheet of paper tacked to Time managing editor Nancy Gibbs’ office door Thursday, in hopes...

BURBANK, CA—Citing a groundswell of praise for such stereotype-bucking princess films as Frozen, Brave, and Tangled, Walt Disney Company CEO Bob Iger said Thursday his company has probably accumulated enough goodwill to make its...

WESTWOOD, CA—In a deft and ruthless display of the utmost cunning, local woman Anne Kaminski added the phrase ‘No gifts, please’ to the bottom of her birthday party invitation, sources confirmed Friday.

BIRMINGHAM, UK—Annoyed upon realizing that the housing office based its entire decision on a single thing they had in common, Pakistani human rights activist Malala Yousafzai told reporters Thursday that she was obviously paired with her Oxford roommate solely because they are both Nobel Laureates.