What Every Active Secretly Wants To Tell The New Girls

I’m so ecstatic to have you! Well I mean about 85% of you, but someone is super excited about the rest of you, probably! And even then at least now you get to hang out with us, so again, yay! Congrats!

I just want to like, put this out there, for a little reading in your downtime, waiting for your Insta likes to roll in tomorrow morning. Here’s a few ground rules for your first few weekssemester year or so. Yay!

1. You don’t know anything.
Totally understandable! It’s a whole new world out there, little ones, so we all understand. Just don’t, y’know, forget that. There’s inevitably, perplexingly, a few new girls who really do believe that they’re “seriously best friends” with a fraternity because they met a pledge over the summer. Until your entire posse has done a walk of shame out of there at 9 am (morning tailgates- you haunt me) or you’ve seen their executive board blacked out in neon spandex, we just really don’t want to hear your reviews.

2. So listen very closely.
Duh, like common courtesy. But beyond that, listen so you don’t…bother everyone. I don’t think most new girls take the time to comprehend just how annoying it gets when they ask the stupidest, most easily found questions and constantly translate them into Facebook notifications for 200 other women. Do you know how much focus it takes to maintain my omnipotent level internet stalking? Refer to point 1, you do not. But look! A notification! What could it be? A party invitation? A tagged photo in need of immediate scrutiny? No, it’s just you, ignoring the search button, ignoring the minutes, ignoring all alternatives to being a flock of helpless baby birds chipping away at my sanity. What standard of living would we be able to maintain if the deets on “what’s for dinner tonight?” could only be disseminated in daily individual replies? JUST LET ME LIVE MY LIFE.

3. Be fun or leave.
I know you’re going to hear this a lot from more serious, sober sources than me, but “you are now a representation of this chapter” which sounds more daunting than it is. Like okay yeah, don’t spit up on yourself like a giant alcoholic toddler, but I hope that wasn’t in your game plan to begin with…although shit happens. In my book there are some much larger affronts:

Side note, I rarely encounter a seasoned sorority girl willing and able to take a class that meets before noon. Waking up early is great and productive, sure whatever Idon’tbelieveyou, but can you seriously commit to that sacrifice for a full semester? What if it’s the best social of the year, you martyr? It’s a downright un-American deprivation of liberty, and I just really won’t stand for it.

4. But we aren’t all perfect either.
Now of course I am contractually obligated to lo0o0o0o0ove all my sisters but that 15% we discussed earlier? Always been a thing. So if you’re the kind of lineage prospect whose name even grumpy grandbigs may know, just be aware that not every individual member is going to be as impressive as, like, me. Sorry to disappoint but that super deep conversation you had where the older girl really opened up about her life? Not #bonding, she actually just never shuts up about her boyfriend. You’ll figure that out in about two days. But you will adore us all regardless, and you will smile about it.

Bitchy older girls reserve the right to enforce these and any tenants of acceptance at will. Although we’ll fake it and coo “oh nooooo” when you drunkenly admit that you were once so very intimated of us as a baby, we all secretly love it. And one day you will too. Yay!.

No you wouldn’t. You love to hate. You’re the meanest commenter on TSM and you have something negative to say every single day. If TSM is soooo awful, why do you read it if not because you love being a cruel person?