Rihanna Comes “Very Close” To Singing in Key on Saturday Night Live

NEW YORK – Rihanna came very close to singing on key this past weekend when she performed on NBC’s Saturday Night Live. Several industry insiders said that they were on the edge of their seats when Rihanna was about to hit the notes she was searching for.

“I watched the telecast by myself while I drank Hennesey,” remarked an industry insider who spoke on condition of anonymity. “There was one time that I was sure she was going to eventually creep up and get the note,” the insider proclaimed, “but she buckled and settled about half a note shy of completion. The whole performance was such a roller coaster ride I had to pause my DVR and roll a joint.”

Singer Chris Brown told the Daily Rash that he thinks Rihanna could have hit all the right notes if she had more discipline in her life.

“I watched Saturday Night Live and noticed that she lacks the discipline needed to hit those notes she couldn’t get to. What she needs is a man who can show her how to sing properly. A man who isn’t afraid to tell her what she doesn’t want to hear or to feel what she doesn’t want to feel. A man who wouldn’t be afraid to lock her in a closet for an unspecified period of time and be able to withhold meals as she begged and pleaded. A man who ignores her cries for forgiveness because he understands that she isn’t being honest when she says she’s sorry.”

Chris Brown

Chris Brown and Rihanna’s relationship came to a close two years ago after he beat her up. He was charged with felony assault and sentenced to five years probation along with a five year restraining order. Brown said he doesn’t remember punching out Rihanna, but he still loves her and is sure they will always be friends.

An industry source told the Daily Rash that Rihanna doesn’t need to be beaten to hit the notes in a song.

“I wouldn’t recommend beating her up, but I would recommend singing lessons. Sure, a couple of punches would make her try harder, but I don’t care how long you beat on a woman, if she can’t sing… she ain’t going to be able to sing any better after several days in a coma.”

A music producer speaking to the Daily Rash said he hadn’t made up his mind about alternative modes of teaching women to perform.

“Would Tina Turner have had so much energy and enthusiasm if she weren’t worried that Ike would put her in the hospital? You think the Ronettes would have been so remarkable if they weren’t terrified of being tortured by Phil Spector? Lord, the list goes on and on!” The producer sipped his latte.

“Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m just hypothesizing here. All I’m saying is, who’s to say that intimidating a woman a little bit ain’t going to get you those high notes during a performance? That’s all I’m saying.”

Many female industry insiders feel that if men weren’t drawn to Rihanna because of her looks, they could tell her what she may not want to hear.

“When Rihanna looks deep into the eyes of a man who wants to have sex with her, you going to tell me he’s prepared to tell her she can’t sing?”

Jennifer Lopez “performing”

Another female insider with four young daughters set the record straight:

“Rihanna makes millions of dollars. She don’t have to hit any note she don’t want to. Who’s going to concern themselves with a couple of missed notes when that paycheck arrives in the mail? Look at Jennifer Lopez. She can’t sing or dance or act …hell, she can’t do anything! But she’s got her own line of clothes, perfumes, accessories, lotions, and her own production company. Have you seen the house she lives in?”

The Daily Rash asked the Mom if she will give her daughters singing lessons.

“When you come by our house you’re not going to see singing and dancing lessons. My girls have been in stiletto heels since they were three. Everyday we practice bending over and smiling. Bending over and smiling. It ain’t as easy as it sounds. You don’t have to beat girls anymore. If they look good enough, they really don’t have to be able to do anything.” She stared off into space.

“And one day, knock on wood, we’re going to be cashing that big paycheck!”