A Letter to The Woman I Want to Lay

My hands are shaking as I attempt to write this. I’m not sure if its my body’s reaction to copious amounts of alcohol from last night or a manifestation of my resistance to share this.

My body has done some strange things lately. On Friday night, I hyperventilated in the bathtub. It had been a long day, and an even longer week with too little sleep. I wanted to give my flesh some relief but as I swooshed in the lavender infused water, I thought the thought that induced my little panic attack. “What if I never have that feeling again?” The feeling of having my legs wrapped around you as you slowly bring me to orgasm with those fingers that God took extra time to make; while telling me how gorgeous I am.

I remember the first time we got together. I sent a message to my best mate beforehand. I wrote, “I have one thing to say: I’m in [XYZ’s] bedroom and I’m about to tap that”. An ironic statement in retrospect because while I’m sure I played my part in ‘tapping that’, that night which carried on into the morning and then the afternoon, marked the beginning of an awakening.

How to describe us sex ? Gaddamn, Out of this world, Jesus Christ, or Picture rolling eyes, do not suffice… #nuffsaid!

I couldn’t stop talking about it to anyone who cared to listen. My panties would get wet from kissing you. Honestly, two minutes of your lips pressed against mine was what it took for my pussy to feel like a warm glow had come over it. I would place my hands around the back of your neck so that I could really take my time but as soon as I let them drop to cup your behind and pull you close, my mind would begin to do the maths of how long it would take to get you off of that train, down the streets, out of restaurant/bar/pub or where ever the hell it was, to get some privacy and just own that body in all the ways I knew how. My calculations were only reliable in terms of getting us out of eyesight but not earshot. Your flatmates could hear us even through music and even though I felt embarrassed to discover that, I’m glad I never knew quiet sex with you. To be fair, that would’ve been hard to accomplish with things like getting teased in corsets, being bent over, or having your wrists bound while I worshipped your body.

I loved how you would tease me and make me wait before entering me. I was too much in a hurry but feeling you dripping on me was…there are no words. Going down on you, hmm, let me think of how to explain it. There was nothing like the feeling of placing my tongue on you, tasting you until I saw and felt your body quiver. And afterwards I would be so turned on that I could cum in a hot sec if you touched the least erogenous part of my body, for instance my (?). I am drawing a blank here because it was impossible to find a part of my body that wasn’t turned on. My entire being was on fire for you.

I could never sleep for too long when I was with you. My body and mind just wouldn’t let me and being with you must have obviously tampered with some key sleep fuses. I usually woke up around 3am and just listened to you breathing and bask in the feeling of the cocoon we’d made with our bodies. I felt safe and content. It was perfect. After some time I would kiss your back and your shoulders, run my hands along your naked body and begin an urgent mental prayer for you wake up so that we could have a replay. My personal gods must love me because it always worked. I also loved that you weren’t shy to keep eye contact when the position allowed it because the absolute hottest thing was being able to look at you, and then into your eyes, and each time my brain would swear to me that I was fucking an angel.

Every time I thought “This is it. You cannot have better sex than this”, I was proved wrong. I tried to explain to a friend using a travel analogy: Imagine you decide to go on a trip with someone. This trip being sex, the modes of transport the different ways of arriving at an orgasm, and the locations the orgasms themselves. You could start by walking, and then you take the bus and then you take the tube and then you take the train, and then a plane e.t.c., e.t.c. One day you might end up in Brazil, the next in Congo, and the next in Australia. The first time you visited Brazil, you may have gone by plane. Another time, you may have used the boat but you made a few stops on the way. On a different occasion, you might visit all three locations and even discover a fourth! With you, I wasn’t thinking of sex in terms of only orgasms but the journey of it. I felt lucky that we were comfortable enough to be spontaneous and to pleasantly surprise ourselves each time.

I’m writing this because I needed an outlet after my bathroom episode. I’m not sure what I expect if you read this. I also don’t think my words have done justice to just how powerful being with you was but maybe I can try to tell you the rest when I see you;)

Very interesting and insightful. At first I thought wow you are really going deep into details but in the end it all makes sense.

The feeling you have is overwhelming so if you are not very descriptive then I don’t think I would have really gotten the essence of how you feel.

I really liked the rawness of it all as well. In some instances it made me feel like I was there in the room watching it all go down. Not like being a pervert but thats how vivid i felt the description was.

yes! i was so excited about it!! berfoe i meet up with her, i put on make up, dresses up nicely, curled my hair and everything. when i met her, i expected her to do the same but she’s just wearing some kind of a jogging shirt with short pants… i was like, emmm okay i think i dresses up a bit too much lol… we sat there and talked about everything for 3 hours non stop. i realized when we were talking, she always look at me in the lips! she would look at my eyes, then stare at my lips, then look at me in the eyes again. she did it so many times, i don’t know why but then i started looking at her lips too. i don’t think i have chapped lips, she might have stared at my lips because i was wearing a red lipstick at that time. or maybe she’s thinking of kissing me?! there were a lot of people around us so i don’t know. i keep on thinking the way she keep on looking at my lips… i want to kiss her so bad now!!!we talked about a lot of things, including gays and lesbians. she told me she’s more comfortable around gay guys because they are fashionable and funny to be friends with, but she doesn’t like lesbians because they dressed up in a boyish way and ugly. she also told me she has been to a gay bar once, but she insisted that she’s not a lesbian and she was just accompanying her gay friend. i wanted to ask her if she ever kissed a girl berfoe but i find it rather awkward to ask her this.so my question here is:■why she keeps on looking at my lips when we were talking that day???■and also recently i find her text has a bit of flirtations in it, she called me sweety and beautiful, but i don’t know…maybe she is just being friendly. i don’t think she has a boyfriend, but i never asked her this.■what should i do know?? i’m really confused, because i’m currently on my exchange program and i’m going back to my country in a few months. i don’t wanna be separated from her…■should i tell her my feelings later when i’m about to leave the country?■do you think she’s attracted to me? i’m really having a hard time finding whether she’s bi or not, because she’s just as girly as me.p.s. i am 19 years old and she’s 24 in case you’re wondering.

What I enjoyed most about this is that do you do not place certain sex acts above the other but you talk about it as a process. Thanks for doing that. I think it touches on the concept of sex as something deeply personally. Not saying that you can’t have a the occasional casual sex but saying that it can also be uplifting and important for building intensely personal connections is often understated. Thank you so much for writing this.

An absolutley beautiful exploration of sex. Such an exploration of the intimacy between two people is hard to convery but you said it so well. Thank you. Not to mention it’s a little bit of a turn on. Thank you so much for sharing this.