You’ll Go Blind!

One of the funniest things that parents tell their sons is that if they play with their wieners, they’ll go blind. I am, of course, referring to masturbation. And if I ever walked in on my son “slapping the salami,” I would probably tell him the same.

Of course, we all know this isn’t true. Sure, I started wearing glasses at an early age and my vision has gotten worse with each passing year, but it’s not the result of excessive self-pleasure.

At least I hope it’s not.

Imagine for a moment that masturbation could cause blindness. If this were the case, then these next two gentlemen would be one step closer to perfecting their Ray Charles impressions… literally!

Our first naughty “swordsman” is 27-year-old Nicolas Gonzales, a gay porn actor known as “Donny Wright” in the adult film industry. The star of such hits as “Unglory Hole 2″ and “TSA Stripdown” was just arrested for breaking into a Louisville firehouse and doing something unexpected, but not all that surprising.

When police approached Smith, he quickly grabbed his phone and pretended to be calling his girlfriend. Unfortunately, he didn’t realize that Mr. Johnson was still hanging out until the officer asked him about it. And that’s when Smith gave a hilarious excuse.

Does this turn you on, baby? (courtesy of complex.com)

He told the officer his penis was out because his pants shrunk. I’m not sure how that’s even possible, but he gets extra points for creativity.

After being arrested and charged with multiple counts of indecent exposure, Smith finally admitted to masturbating in public and even confessed to flashing several women in December. And his reason for the convenience store jack-fest: depression.

Now I’ve been depressed before. And as a guy, I’m not ashamed to say that I’ve masturbated before, either. However, the two never go hand-in-hand (pun intended). If they did, then I would have my junk out almost all the time… and I wouldn’t be the only one.

Masturbating in public can be exciting, of course. The fear of getting caught or being seen adds an element of danger, the same that prompts people to have sex in public places.

And for some guys, added motivation may come from the fantasy that some attractive woman will see their business and decide to handle it for them herself. As far as I know, this only happens in dreams or maybe bad porno films, but I suppose it’s possible.

Regardless, the important thing for guys to remember is this: masturbation is a private act. Sure, some people may want to watch you “flog the bishop,” but since you can’t be sure who they are, it’s probably best to keep it in your pants.

If you must masturbate in public, though, I suggest visiting an adult site and using your webcam to engage in some live sex chat. At least those people are expecting what you want to show them. And none of them are likely to report you for it, either.