Monday, August 04, 2008

Breaking Down: the young adult book that never was

After reading Stephenie Meyer's Breaking Dawn, I wrote this little story to dedicate to TadMack. Fear not, Twilight fans, for there are no spoilers here. In a way, it qualifies as an entry of Children's Books That Never Were, except I'm pretty sure it never crossed Garrulous MacKenzie's desk....

BREAKING DOWN

Bella: Edward, I have something to tell you.

Edward: I’m glad to hear that, because I can’t read your mind.*

Bella: I’m so in love with you—

Edward: Me too! I love you more—

Bella: No, I love you more—

Edward: No, I love you more--

Bella: Stop! That’s not the point.

Edward: What is the point?

Bella: It hurts to say this, but I really need to go on to study some sort of higher education. I don’t think college is my calling, but I’ve got to find some sort of viable life skill. Based upon how long I cooked meals for my dad, I’m going to culinary school. I'm already working on a killer tiramisu for my entry exam, and I know with all my being that my cannoli is to die for. It's perfect!

Edward: (gloomily) You have no idea how much I miss cannoli. I used to be addicted to cannoli.

Edward: Of course our relationship is not healthy. You’re a human, and I’m a vampire, albeit a vegetarian one.

Bella: Um, blood comes from animal flesh. Technically, you’re not a vegetarian. I do appreciate you abstaining from humans, though.

Edward: Ohhhhh, human cannoli.

Bella: That’s it. I don’t care that I spent months practically comatose when you left Forks to “protect” me after I got that paper-cut and your family nearly lost it.** This relationship is over like Grover.

Bella: No, I’m going to pursue a career as a chef. A vegetarian chef. And then, after I get my own cooking show, I’m going to write a novel about a human girl who falls in love with a vampire and somehow gets over it. The vampire will be a metaphor for how obsessive love can just suck everything out of you.

Edward: It will never sell. *Edward can read everyone's mind except for Bella's.**This is kind of what happened to Marianne in Jane Austen's Sense and Sensibility, only without papercuts or vampires.

Love this! The LSG is currently holed up in her room with the latest - I get it when she's done. She and I both find them sickeningly addictive although we are, of course, disgusted with what the LSG calls the Little Mermaid Effect. Sadly, she says that none of her friends, also fans, see this aspect.

I'm glad you enjoyed this. I started writing this after my mom opened the latest book, said, "Oh, I can't do this," closed it, and then opened it again. "Sickeningly addictive" is accurate, LSM. i hadn't thought of the Little Mermaid Aspect, but you're right! The books belong on my guilty pleasures shelf. Really, I would have found the ending right and proper with just Twilight.