Labels

Equestria Girls: The Abridged Script
by
Capper General

No villain can stand against the power of pointing!

We here at Horse News are often sent...All kinds of strange things. Pictures of Aoshi shaving his legs. Suggestions that we should kill ourselves. Meatloaf recipes. Fundraisers for sick horses. Previews of award-winning novels. It's really very amusing. Well today, we have another kind of interesting thing to share with you all; an original screenplay script sent to us by a guy named Alex Inman. Titled "Equestria Girls: The Abridged Script", the screenplay is roughly 17 pages long, so if you've got some time to kill, this could be worth a look. We've posted the entire document below, along with an introduction from Alex. If you want an actual page-oriented view click here.

Hello, horse lovers!

I recently hit three years since I started watching Friendship is Magic and wanted to do something special to celebrate. And so, taking in all the opinions I have about Equestria Girls, I made an abridged script of the movie that's bursting with satire and jokes on everything from the movie's plot to the characters and more.

I was inspired by the abridged scripts on The Editing Room (www.the-editing-room.com) and I recommend you check it out. They likely have abridged scripts for some of your favorite (and most hated) movies too.

A HASBRO EMPLOYEE is on the Internet when he comes across deviantART for the first time. Clicking around, he finds the vast amount of MY LITTLE PONY ARTWORK created by the fandom. Out of curiosity, he searches "pony human" and starts scrolling.

HASBRO EMPLOYEE

(in realization)

My god…

The HASBRO EMPLOYEE picks up and dials the phone.

HASBRO EMPLOYEE

(into phone)

Sir, I just found our movie.

INT. MOVIE THEATER — 2013 .

BRONY AUDIENCE MEMBER

Even though Man of Steel is playing next door and I don’t even totally like the idea of my favorite pony characters turning into humans, I’m going to see this movie anyway because it has the word "pony" in it. YEAH, MLP! GENDER NORMS ARE KAPUT! MEN CAN LIKE GIRLY THINGS TOO!

OTHER BRONY AUDIENCE MEMBER

(to first BRONY AUDIENCE MEMBER)

Can you keep it down? I need to see and hear every single thing in this movie so I can tweet the show staff that MLP is dead and that they don’t care about the fans and post on my Tumblr all the things the movie did to ruin my headcanons and fanfics.

PARENT WHO CAME WITH THEIR CHILD

(to BRONY AUDIENCE MEMBERS)

Can you both keep it down? My kid can’t see over all you people’s hats, horns, and wings.

BRONY AUDIENCE MEMBERS

(muttering to themselves)

Stupid kid. Don’t they know that My Little Pony is a serious cartoon for adults and not like that girly stuff in the past? Jeez. What is society coming to these days?

FADE IN:

EXT. CRYSTAL EMPIRE .

TWILIGHT SPARKLE and FRIENDS have arrived at the PRINCESS SUMMIT because TWILIGHT is now a PRINCESS and is now included in PRINCESS things. What those things are have yet to be revealed even today.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

I’m really nervous about being a princess. I mean, it feels like I just suddenly got these wings and new title with no other thought about what will happen next.

RARITY

Oh come now, darling. Just take in your moment of glory. It could be worse. You could be the princess of a kingdom that was created literally out of thin air because she had no place to rule when she was first introduced.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Huh. I guess you’re right.

APPLEJACK

Besides sugarcube, even if ya don’t know what all this means, Ah doubt it’d matter considerin’ everything gets sort of reset every time somethin’ crazy happens.

RAINBOW DASH

Yeah! Like how even though I’ve saved the Wonderbolts and was even recognized by them at the Grand Galloping Gala for it, I’m still not a Wonderbolt yet. I even went to their academy, totally owned in it, and all I got was a pin. What’s next? Is there some kind of written test about Wonderbolt history that I have to pass to get into some kind of "Wonderbolt reserves"? Forget that! When we get home, I’m going to open up a tub of ice cream, sit on my couch, and watch TV until I wake up in the hospital.

PINKIE PIE

(is super hyper)

FLUTTERSHY

(nervously squeaks)

BRONY AUDIENCE

(adoringly)

AWWWWWWW...

INT. CRYSTAL CASTLE .

TWILIGHT and FRIENDS enter the castle and are greeted by a noticeably not crystal guard who can be deduced as the guy Twilight falls for as a human later on by even the 7-year-olds who watch this movie.

NAMELESS NON CRYSTAL GUARD

Introducing: Princess Twilight Sparkle!

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Say, why is that one guard not crystal and a different color than all the other guards?

PRINCESS CELESTIA

Humans can’t be crystal. Now let’s get you all to your rooms before you ask why the princess summit is being held here and not in Canterlot even though I’m the absolute ruler of this land.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Oh Spike, I’m so very nervous. I don’t know if I can handle all this new responsibility even though I led the entire town of Ponyville in cleaning up Winter. My nerdiness just can’t handle all of this!

SPIKE

Seriously Twilight, you’ve been talking about this ever since we got to our room. I even left to go get dinner, came back, and you didn't even notice I’d gone. And if you also haven’t noticed, it’s the dead of night. So GO TO SLEEP!

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

I guess you’re right, Spike. But I still can’t wrap my head around all this new responsib–

TWILIGHT gets knocked out by a book thrown by SPIKE.

The TITLE SEQUENCE plays featuring a remix of the show theme and a minimalist art style that are among the more subtle ways the movie panders to the fandom.

Later that night, a MYSTERIOUS PONY appears in the castle, gets past the ONE LONE GUARD, gets into Twilight’s room, and takes her crown that she put on the nightstand. Twilight happens to wake up and see the pony.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Hey! You’re stealing my crown!

MYSTERIOUS PONY

And you’re dumb enough to leave an Element of Harmony on your nightstand like a glass of water. See ya!

(vanishes through portal)

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Princess Celestia, who was that?

PRINCESS CELESTIA

That was Sunset Shimmer. My former student who wanted to study more advanced magic, but I told her she couldn’t. So instead of facing her problems head-on and learning to accept what she can't have, she ran away into that portal. Essentially, she’s like you but more bitchy.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

So where does the portal go?

PRINCESS CELESTIA

To a horrible place wrought with disease, war, poverty, lies, and selfishness.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Why would she go there?

PRINCESS CELESTIA

Didn’t you hear who I just described? Someone who is power-hungry and completely self-centered? If she didn’t have a teenager’s body she would be the president!

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Well, I guess I have to go through that portal and get my crown back. Come on, girls. I’m sure with the six of us working together we’ll get the crown in no ti–

PRINCESS CELESTIA

Your friends can’t come with you.

TWILIGHT stares dumbfounded at CELESTIA.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Are you fucking serious!? This is like the fifth time I’ve had to do everything on my own! The wedding, the crystal heart, rescuing my friends from Discord! This show should be called Loneliness is Magic since whenever some huge shit goes down my friends aren’t around to help me because they’ve been manipulated or are doing something else!

(to Celestia)

And especially you, who just disappears when shit happens! What were you doing when Discord was right outside your window in the labyrinth? Was that your weekly message time and the masseuse couldn’t come the next day?

(takes deep breath)

I’m sorry. I’ve just been keeping that in for a long time.

PRINCESS CELESTIA

(beat)

Just for that, you don’t get your castle until the end of next season.

TWILIGHT opens her eyes and sees paved roads and houses and feels an aura of entitlement and self-importance.

SPIKE

Twilight, are you okay?

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Yeah. I think so.

(gazes over and starts chuckling)

SPIKE

What are you laughing at?

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

(laughing)

You're a dog!

SPIKE

Oh yeah? Well you don’t want to know what you are.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

(looks down)

AHH! My legs are gone! Wait! No they're not. There’s just two of them! And they’re really long! What does the rest of me look like?

BRONY AUDIENCE MEMBER

(mutters)

Pretty hot...

(unzips pants)

SPIKE

Um, like you. But in a way you’re also a poor example of what people in this place should look like.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

It doesn’t matter. I just need to go into that school over there, have a pleasant conversation with the principal about the whole situation, get the crown, and leave. Twenty minutes tops.

SPIKE

(checks script)

Yeah. Good luck with that.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

(standing up)

Come on, Spike. Let’s go get that crow– AHH! My legs are gone! Oh wait, I just can't see them over these two lumpy things on my front.

(grabs)

What are these things?

SPIKE

A fast way for this movie to get an R rating.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Whoa. And why are my hooves now a pair of sticks with five smaller sticks attached?

SPIKE

Like I said, you don’t necessarily look normal. Now let’s get into that school.

INT. CANTERLOT HIGH SCHOOL–HOME OF THE WONDERCOLTS .

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Wait. Shouldn’t it be Wonderbolts so there are as many parallel world references as possible?

WRITER MEGHAN MCCARTHY

(in realization)

Damn it! I knew I made a typo somewhere!

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Wow. Look at all this stuff that's different from what I know.

(grunts and clutches head)

Need...to sing...about current situation...

SPIKE

Oh no. Come on, Twilight! You can fight it!

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

No...too much different...can’t keep it back…

(inhales)

(sings)

This place is so different

It’s really, really strange

What are other ways to say

It’s odd and also contrasting?

(verse)

Looking all around

Things start to feel the same

But that is simply just because

This movie can’t help pander to

(verse)

The bronies want to see all the characters they like

Like Trixie, Vinyl, Lyra, Derpy, and of course the CMC

"We’re happy to do so" all the Hasbro execs say

"As long as you’ll go see it we’ll do anything to take your bucks"

(chorus)

What a pandering world

Anything to keep the bronies sitting in this pandering world

Shout out when you see someone you know in this pandering world

What a pandering world

TWILIGHT wanders around the school some more, not asking anyone where the principal’s office is, and comes across two girls who look like SUNSET SHIMMER and FLUTTERSHY, but TWILIGHT does not make the totally obvious connection. Twilight defends the FLUTTERSHY-looking girl and is confronted by the SUNSET-looking girl.

SUNSET SHIMMER

Even though you look like the girl I took the crown from in the pony world, I'm going to ignore that similarity because I'm playing the stereotypical high school bitch right now. Watch this.

(flips Twilight's nose)

Ha ha ha. Like, you must be new here. I, like, totally rule this school and can treat anyone any way I want. So, like, smell you later, nerd!

(leaves)

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Wow. A genuinely good antagonist reduced to a stupid teen obsessed with social power. How tragic.

Yep. You’re Fluttershy. Hey, I’m looking for this crown. I know this sounds really out of nowhere, but do you know where it could be?

HUMAN FLUTTERSHY

You mean the crown that I found earlier today and turned into Principal Celestia? Yes, I have. I mean…

(nervously squeaks)

BRONY AUDIENCE

(adoringly)

AWWWWWWW...

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Well that’s weirdly coincidental.

(beat)

Wait wait wait. Principal Celestia? The ruler of an entire land in one universe is a school principal in another? Whatever. At least now that the principal has been mentioned I can go visit her now.

INT. *sigh*...PRINCIPAL HUMAN CELESTIA’s OFFICE .

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Hi there. I’m a pony princess from another universe who came here to get my crown that was stolen from me and I can even see that it’s right behind you. Can I have it back so I can leave right now and never return?

HUMAN CELESTIA

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Do you really think this will end right now? We still have over 50 minutes left. Now, let’s check the Guide to Teenage High School Movies and find out how you’ll actually get the crown.

(flips through book)

Ok. Here we go. According to the book, in order to achieve your goal, you have to win Most Popular Girl at a dance...and in the subsection on traveling from another universe to get an artifact before the portal back closes...there is a dance happening on the night that the portal closes...and by fortunate coincidence the dance is happening in two days.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Really? The show that became famous for subverting expectations in its stories is now regressing to these tired tropes for its first movie? Ok. Let me guess: I now have to convince all my friends in this universe to join up with me so that I can rally enough support to win the dance, right?

HUMAN CELESTIA

Actually, you get them all together with almost no effort at all on your part. So not so bad, right? Now if you'll excuse me, I must make an appointment with my plastic surgeon.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Well you heard her, Spike. Let’s go get all of my friends together.

TWILIGHT gets the human versions of her friends together with her doing fuck all in just FIVE MINUTES of screen time.

INT. COFFEE SHOP .

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Ok. Now that everyone is together, how am I going to win the dance?

HUMAN RARITY

Well, the show is known for having great original songs with the main characters sounding distinct from each other. So let’s do a song that has the main characters all sound the same and is generic enough to sound like a deleted song from High School Musical.

THEY DO THIS and win the support of the entire school.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Well, that was easy. Now that I'm the most popular person in school, it looks like this crown is as good as won. Great idea, Human Rarity. You know, why aren't you the main character? You came up with that great plan and I've done jack shit the whole time I've been here.

HUMAN RARITY

Because then I would have to deal with bullshit like this:

Suddenly, HUMAN LUNA appears and calls Twilight to her office.

INT. VICE PRINCIPAL HUMAN LUNA’S OFFICE .

HUMAN LUNA

Sunset Shimmer, a student who is known to manipulate others to get what she wants, gave me these pictures of you appearing to be wrecking the decorations for the dance. After performing no investigation into this whatsoever, I have decided that you can’t be in the Most Popular Girl contest.

(pause)

Never mind, you can be in the contest. Sorry to bother you.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

What? I’ve been here less than a minute and I just got disqualified from a contest and then allowed back in again. Are you now going to disqualify Sunset Shimmer for attempting to stop me from being in the contest?

HUMAN LUNA

Nope. Now, out you go. I have to call my plastic surgeon and give him some strong words about his recent work, as you might have noticed.

TWILIGHT leaves.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

This place doesn’t make the smallest bit of sense! It’s like even the smallest problem can become the biggest problem ever but then get solved almost instantly! But none of that matters. I now just need to get a dress, meet up with my friends at the dance, and win the crown. That can't take too long, right?

It takes TWO MORE SONGS that sound the same to get to the dance.

INT. DANCE .

A human version of the DJ PONY appears because the mere sight of fan-favorite characters cause BRONIES to PROJECTILE VOMIT money on to HASBRO.

HUMAN CELESTIA

And the winner of the Most Popular Girl contest is...Mary Sue! Wait, that can’t be right. Oh, here’s the real name right below it: Twilight Sparkle!

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

And there’s the rotten cherry on the top of this clichéd cake. Oh well, at least it’s all over now.

SUNSET SHIMMER

Not so fast! I have to do a villainous thing now!

(kidnaps Spike)

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

That fiend! I must chase after her!

EXT. OUTSIDE .

SUNSET holds SPIKE hostage, threatens to destroy the portal with a hammer, and poisons the city’s water supply!

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Give back Spike, Sunset!

SUNSET SHIMMER

Ok.

(lets Spike go)

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Alright. This right here is why this whole movie is like a fanfiction. Nothing bad ever happens to me for too long and when I want something to happen it happens and no one questions it. For example, the portal is still open so it’s not solid. Therefore, logically, anything could go through it including that hammer. Sunset, swing the hammer and try to break the portal.

SUNSET SHIMMER

Oh okay. I’ll do it. But only because you told me to.

SUNSET swings the hammer at the portal and the hammer goes through, flying out the other side and destroying several priceless crystal artifacts.

SUNSET SHIMMER

Huh. I guess that really was a dumb idea. But you still can’t go through the portal.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Why not? I have Spike, my crown, and got the human versions of my friends back together. It’s over.

SUNSET SHIMMER

Because...there’s an invisible force field in front of the portal and if you touch it you’ll chip a nail.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Oh no! Not a nail!

(beat)

Wait. How do I know what those are? Why has this universe been making me care about my outward appearance so much?

(vomits into toilet)

What is happening to me?!

SUNSET SHIMMER

And now I'm going to turn into a winged demon chick in the last ten minutes of this movie for no reason other than to get bronies to sit through an hour-long, horribly clichéd teen high school movie! I really am evil after all!

SUNSET transforms into a FUCKING DEMON and mind controls the crowd. She does not order them to immediately attack the main characters, however, because the pretty dolls can’t get fingerprints on them or their eBay value decreases.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Really? Really! You’re just going to do a badass villain transformation at the last minute? You’re even lazier than Venom!

(defeated sigh)

Oh well. What’s the use of fighting against the pandering? Come on girls!

超かわいい魔法ポニーガールフレンドシップ変換が行く！

All six girls TRANSFORM into PONY-GIRLS with ears, wings, and incredibly long hair extensions.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

スーパー素晴らしいかわいい友情レインボーアタック！

The girls unleash a RAINBOW that hits DEMON SUNSET. Defeating her in just over FOUR MINUTES of screen time. DEMON SUNSET turns back into REGULAR SUNSET.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

だから、サンセットシマーは、あなたが何をしたかをおかけして申し訳ございませんか？

SUNSET SHIMMER

What?

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

待つ。少々お待ちください。

TWILIGHT and FRIENDS power down.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

So, Sunset Shimmer, do you apologize for what you did?

SUNSET SHIMMER

Yes.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Alright. That’s good enough for me. Any last words before I leave, human friends?

HUMAN RAINBOW

Can I just say really quick that this is freaky having wings all of a sudden!

(checks script)

Actually, it’s not freaky at all that three humans sprouted wings and can use them perfectly and this won’t be brought up by anyone.

HUMAN FLUTTERSHY

(hovering in the air)

Did you say something Rainbow?

HUMAN RAINBOW

No. No I didn’t.

(hovers in the air)

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Ok then. Bye now!

TWILIGHT and SPIKE go through the portal.

INT. CRYSTAL CASTLE .

TWILIGHT emerges from the portal.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Thank god. I’m out.

RAINBOW DASH

Wow Twilight. You look exhausted even though you’ve only been gone about half an hour.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Half an hour? I was in that hell-scape for three days!

RAINBOW DASH

That bad, huh? What was it like?

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Horrible. This one time when I had lunch, I ate a little piece of apple and felt full for the rest of the day even though I had an entire salad left on my plate.

RARITY

Sounds like my kind of paradise.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

No one asked you!

PRINCESS CELESTIA

Did you at least learn to be more confident in your status as a princess?

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

If you mean sit around and let everyone do everything for you, then yes I did. Now let’s get the hell of here so I can learn the much more practical skill of flying.

A HUMAN version of DERPY appears in the end credits and the BRONY AUDIENCE creams its pants.

END

Thank you so much for reading my abridged script and joining me celebrating three years since I watched Friendship is Magic for the first time.

While I made many jokes about the movie and pointed out many problems the movie has, I deeply respect the time and effort of everyone involved in the production of it. From writing, storyboarding, acting, recording, composing, animating, directing, and more, these were ten to eleven months of people giving their all and bringing the best possible movie that would please the audience as well as themselves. Not all productions can be winners, but what these people are great at is improving on parts that were not as strong for future endeavors. I am honestly intrigued by the writer calling the next movie her "Empire Strikes Back".

So, with that, onwards to Rainbow Rocks!

–Alex I.

Check out The Editing Room for their abridged scripts which inspired me to make this one at www.the-editing-room.com.

You can tweet me (@InmanAlex) on what you thought about this script. I’m always looking to improve my writing. Thanks again for reading!