Because of what I went through as a kid and teen and even as an adult I have this horrible fear of losing my sanity. I have done more research on what John and Robyne (Former "parents" I disowned them) did to me and tried to find out more about why they did it. It basically comes down to something similar to Munchhausen By Proxy except instead of physically harming me or poisoning me to make me look physically ill they brainwashed me and conditioned me into mental illness, the results they wanted at the same as a person with Munchhausen. They wanted sympathy for having to bare the burden of a troubled child, they wanted to be all, “Woe is me! Look how hard it is to deal with this crazy daughter of mine!” but at the same time they wanted to appear to others as saints you know because they would claim, “I still love her no matter what! She’s my daughter and even though she puts me through hell I will stand by her” But seriously that’s all sorts of BS.

So, I have always feared what they said would come true even though most of my life I spent thinking I was insane anyway, I always thought it would only take just a little bit more to push me into the psycho murderer category if I didn’t listen to them and if I didn’t do as I was told because I was a KID I was supposed to trust them because they were supposed to be my parents and look out for my best interest when come to find out this whole time they were trying to shove me into a category I never belonged in. When you are treated like that for so long you start to believe it and you do manifest completely BS symptoms of the illness they push on you cause it’s MENTAL ILLNESS and your brain just adapts and starts seeing things that aren’t there. Even what they had me officially diagnosed it was a BS blanket illness, I am pretty sure they TRIED for schizophrenia at one point but couldn’t get that. They couldn’t get anything less general than Borderline which basically EVERYONE can be diagnosed as at one point or another, the people who truly have it have it all the time and not just a phase of it and I was probably just having a phase which is not surprising due to how I was being treated by my so called parents.

I have never had a malicious bone in my body, that’s not to say I don’t fantasize about extreme revenge or hurting people but a lot of people do that. Have I ever physically injured someone to a point where I caused them to bleed? No. Even the two people I did punch when I was in the seventh and ninth grade, I didn’t punch them nearly as hard as I could I know that because I remember thinking after that they got off light because I could have gone totally insane on them and I held back and that’s why I always refused to apologize because for one I truly believed they deserved it and two I didn’t see it as something so horrible because like I said I restrained myself because I don’t like doing that to people. Also the two people that did happen to get punched had been tormenting me at school for YEARS this wasn’t like a knee jerk reaction of mine this was a I HAVE HAD ENOUGH LEAVE ME ALONE reaction after years of me trying to ignore them and use my words just didn’t work. I would never hurt anyone, I never have, but I was some how put into this group of people who are crazy, psycho, dangerous and could snap at any second, this was because of the way John and Robyne portrayed me to others, and I had this HUGE FEAR that ANYTHING could make me like that and since I didn’t want to ever be like that it scared me SO BAD to think I could become like that with just any sort of triggering mental stimuli.

I believed I was crazy for so long that even when two doctors, a therapist, and a social worker told me I probably didn’t need the meds anyway and to go off of them I laughed at them and said they didn’t know what they were talking about. I believed this so much that when I started having side effects from the heavy stuff because I had been on it for 15 years and at 4 times the normal dose of what other people were on I still didn’t want to go off because of the fact that I feared I was insane without them….but I never was and even as logical as I am and as logical as it was explained to me by TWO DOCTORS I still didn’t believe I would be fine without any of that medication. Here I am now though, med free. It’s only been a very small amount of time in comparison, like NO one sees a difference with me not taking meds. I dropped them for a week then I told Ron who I live with and have for about 3 years now, and the first thing he said to me was, “Really? No meds AT ALL?” and I said, “Just my hernia stuff which doesn’t stabilize mood or anything like that” and he was almost shocked because he saw absolutely no change in my behavior. If I was truly as crazy as John and Robyne had me believing for one, after going off the heavy stuff I would have had some kind of episode, and also the 20mgs of prozac I was on for 5 months (that’s a VERY LOW DOSE almost the lowest one can be on) would not at all have helped me. The truth is though, I am showing no symptoms of anything and actually feel more happy and well adjusted than I did when I was ON the heavy sedatives. I am more motivated, responsible, and energetic. Yet when I even suggested to John and Robyne that I was going to do a trial period without any meds they were like, “YOUR mental illness just DOESN’T GO AWAY with lots of therapy YOU ARE ALWAYS GOING TO HAVE IT” but I ignored them thinking I was right especially when I was told I had absolutely no more signs of borderline and did not meet the criteria for it at all any more and I was seeing how everything was BS.

Then recently, cause I have John and Robyne’s phone numbers blocked from calling my phone, I mean work, cell, and their home landline number plus all of their email addresses, plus any way they could see me on facebook, John kind of lost his mind and ended up calling Ron and started flat out LYING about me to Ron. Luckily, Ron is like my best friend ever and more or less called BS on John in the nice polite way he has of doing that. I know John was lying and trying to use very plausible lies in order to try to get Ron to worry about me or insist I go back on medications but Ron told him that I am actually the most happy and normal he’s ever seen me so he thinks I am right about not taking meds. Plus John tried to tell Ron that he saw my facebook statuses and they looked angry so he was worried about that as well. Now there was never any way he could have seen those statuses even though none of them were about him and only one of them was angry and once again NOT about him. You see my facebook the majority of things I post are random stuff about random things, and even when I was angry with him or Robyne I spoke in broad, vague terms and named no one so if someone was looking they wouldn’t know. Further more BOTH of my sisters are blocked from my status updates and security on my FB is out the rear end to prevent John from being able to see anything I write with or without an account of his own so I KNOW he was trying to pull some major bull with telling Ron that and even when I asked my sister what she thought she had to agree that it was REALLY WEIRD John would say something like that when she can’t even recall any status of mine she saw last, and I mean ANY status not just a hateful one.

Yeah so, I hope this helps explain why I fear being insane and losing it completely because I fear it would make me the monster that John and Robyne tried to turn me into and they would win and I would lose. I even went through this HUGE phase of accusing my therapist of 8 years of lying to me about me being completely normal, she said I showed signs of someone REALLY STRESSED but within the realm of absolutely normal not dangerous or delusional and I told her I thought she was lying to me. She told me that I am a very good judge of when something is wrong, I have trained myself very well to spot signs and ask for help I told her that the craziest people are the ones who don’t think they are crazy at all. A schizophrenic that just killed three people will not be like, “I am crazy I need help” they’ll be like, “THE DEVIL TOLD ME TO DO IT AND HE LIVES IN THIS HAM SANDWICH” and not at all be aware of how crazy he sounds so I fear reaching that point as well. She says this comes from a life time of conditioning and I need to realize that my judgement is perfectly fine and to trust myself. I am just SO SCARED of losing it.