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Hello, it is I, the head mentor for the Raunchy Girl's school, subbing for the imperially self important EPMB who thinks that just because he's rich and owns everything that he can embezzle our money and take off on a fancy smancy airplane to a even fancier smancier mountain retreat and drink imported wine and dine on endangered species meat that he says he shot but that his browbeaten personal assistant actually found in the road on the way there and told him that it was something exotic he shot when he was drunk. Yeah, like there's a time when he isn't so high that he'll believe anything you tell him. And proving that he'll eat just about anything if it's covered in catsup.

I am coming to you from the pretty little Philippine isla where the Survivor numbskulls rub elbows with the local monkeys, and where Skupin continues to lose various pieces of his anatomy. This week it appears that his scalp took another whack from something or other.

Anyway, this is another episode of "As Abi Burns", or "How many times can Abi shoot herself in the foot?". One thing is for sure, if/when Abi Maria goes home (not going to spoil that yet), Tribal Councils will be a lot less lively.

AYE, Carumba! I am on the island with a bunch of morons!! They theenk they outsmarted me, but they are wrong. I am so sad that my Peete has been voted off the island. Instead of wasting my idol, I should have just voted for him ...

Now, what is a beautiful, sexpot Braziian girl supposed to do? I'll think about it tomorrow. After all, tomorrow is another day ...

1. Smoke shoots out from Abi's ears as she declares that she really doesnít care if Lisa decides to change alliances and vote with Abiís enemies. Little lightning bolts fire from her eyes, and her head spins 360 degrees (See item 5). This is known as Abi-ignition.

2. And Abi will again participate in an RC. First, it is explained to her that RC stands for Reward Challenge, not her invented enemy Roberta "RC" Saint-Amour. But still she will fail to understand the rules of the challenge. She will be reduced random movements and distracted arm waving. This is known as Abi-original, and is also something that a retarded monkey could do better than she (Please, no letters to the editor in defense of retarded monkeys. I love retarded monkeys. Some of my best friends are retarded monkeys).

3. Abi Maria has gone on a cooking strike. She wants to eat, however, and she assumes that her tribemates will see this as perfectly logical and not hold it against her. This is known as Abi-Ďnotí-logic.

She will also perform a coconut masseí shot to Skupinís head, and will assume that Skupin will overlook the dent in his skull (one of many) and not vote to boot her butt out of the game. This is known as Abi-Ďknotí-logic.

4. At TC, Abi Maria tries to blindside herself due to her basic misunderstanding that these games have rules and that multiple shootings of oneís foot week after week and TC after TC is not sound strategy. This is known in Abi-daby-donít.

5. Finally, after hearing that the majority of votes cast are against her at TC, Abi will declare that she now has to turn her head around. Thus reinforcing the popular belief that she actually is the spawn of the devil, as depicted in ďThe OmenĒ. This is known simply as Abi-Maria Gomes.

Spoiler #2: Pete will reveal that on his planet he is considered smart. Anyone not convinced that Pete is delusional and occupies his own private Idaho should read this:

Spoiler #4: Lisa will reveal when talking about changing her alliance that she is bad at breakups. Once again, she reveals just how lost she is without the maternal guidance of Mrs. Garrett. But, on a happy note for her, she does have Denise, and Denise is making her happy in ways that Mrs. Garrett may have overlooked.

Spoiler #5: Good news for Probst wardrobe watchers, he will break out another blue fishing shirt. (Gasp!!!..The room erupts in applause, the building shakes with the foot stomping crowd signaling their approval.) Hoseas and Hosannas. Fashion moguls in Paris and Milan rise en-mass applauding the spectacular and singular imagination of his dressers, and Academy Sports buyers are giddy with anticipation as well. Wal-Mart canít be far behind.

Spoiler #6: Only a rumor so far, but word seeping out of the gutter and on the street and is that the EPMB will be back next week. Sorry if that kicks off another extended ulcer based stomach spasm and costs you your turkey giblet dinners, but such is reality. And donít blame me, I only reports the news, you should know by now that I would never dream of inventing a rumor as gloomy and despicable as that.

The silver lining is that when he is here performing his evil deeds, at least he isnít working on his Ponzi schemes to defraud kindly grandmothers and saintly grandfathers who worked all their lives for their little nest eggs, or holding his fake faith healing revivals across the Midwest that threaten to put corn and soy farmers out of business and thus devolve the whole country (and Canada and Mexico) into an unrecoverable depression. There is that, at least.

Tribe did this. He's called it a sig. I call it a sig. So it must be a sig.

I'm glad you're here to cut to the chase. I don't know if it's me but this season seems to have a what you see aspect and another show entirely aspect referring to Pete's interview. I'm just sit here wondering if I'm watching is what everyone else is.

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