Question of the Week: 9 - 10/2/2000Pagan Jokes and Humorous StoriesPagan Jokes and Humorous Stories seem to be just the ticket to get us in the mood to celebrate our bestest Holiday season. This can be your personal story of 'magick gone awry' or your favorite "How many Pagans does it take..." joke. C'mon! We dare ya! Just try and make us laugh!

Once upon a time...There was a King. As kings go, he was fairly average. He was neither notably wise nor foolish. He was a king, however, and master of his domain. But as powerful men have powerful enemies, so did the King have the Duke, and the Duke desired the king's lands. The king learned from his spies that the duke planned to arm rebels in his kingdom and so he ordered the borders closed to the duke's knights and searched every traveler for contraband and weapons.

Amoung the travelers on the first day was an old man on a horse. He greeted the guards cordially and told them he was bringing peat to market to sell. The guards were suspicious, but they searched his bags and found nothing unusual. The old man smiled and rode on.

The next day he was back. This continued for weeks. Each day the old man would ride up and the guards would search his bags and find only peat. Reports were sent to the king who puzzled over the old man and his bags of peat. He lay awake at night wondering if the man was simply a distraction and doubled his guards.

One day the king awoke to find his castle besieged. Undermanned due to the reinforcements on the borders, the castle soon fell. As the king surrendered to the duke, he wondered, what of the old man? Was he just a ruse to weaken his castle's defences? A distraction for other smugglers?

"My lord, " spoke the duke, "The old man carried no weapons. His bags held only peat as he claimed..."

My campus group has always been eclectic and open to the public. I took a course called "Religion, Ritual, and World View" in the spring semester of 1998, and since the main paper was to take part in a ritual not of your own religion, I told my professor I am Wiccan and invitied members of my class. She remembered that I was around, and told her class in Spring 1999 that Silver Crescent (our Campus Pagans group) existed. So two girls decided to sit in on our Ostara ritual. Everything was going well, and we were having a good time. After the cakes and ale, and before we closed the circle, we planned to chant "We are a Circle..." to ground everyone and get back on the same level.

However, everyone was in such a good mood that we spontaneously skipped "We are a Circle" and instead all sang "They're Coming to Take Me Away, HA-HAA!" by Napoleon XIV!

One of the visitors asked a lot of questions later, but we never heard from the other poor girl again. We still giggle about it often, though we try to avoid that from happening in public ritual now.

What do you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness with a Universalist-Unitarian?Someone who knocks on your door for no particular reason.

Bumper Stickers:Jesus saves! Gretsky gets the rebound...he shoots...he scores!I found Jesus. He was behind the sofa the whole time.God WAS my co-pilot. Then we crashed in the mountains and I had to eat him.In case of rapture, can I have your car?

How to tell if you might be a redneck pagan:You ever cancled a ritual because of a football gameYour athame has a can opener and a nail file on it too.You celebrate your simple feast with Beer nuts and a Keg.The Superbowl is your most important holidayYou use an engine block for an altarYou've ever marked out the circle with duct tapeYou've ever done a Lotto spellYour scrying mirror says "objects may be closer than they appear"You end your rituals with "Y'all come back now, y'hear?"Your anointing oil smells like Old SpiceYou have ever refilled your chalice from a keg

How to tell if you are a techno pagan:You've had to remove candle wax off your keyboardYou cast your circle in a chat roomYour familiar is a mouseYou attend ritual skyclad because it's too much trouble to get dressed for a computer.Your Yule ritual involves defragmentationYour altar cloth is a mouse padYour cauldron is a crock-potYour cone of power has a surge suppressorYour magical name, e-mail address, and on-line name are all the same.If you end a circle with Ctl-Alt-Del

Alright, it seemed when my fiance and I decided to "tie the knot" that nothing could possibly go wrong...how naive.

First there was the inevitable issue of money, but patience is a virtue and all was provided for. Then there was the question of when and how. I'm Wiccan, he's Agnostic. My mother is a Wiccan High Priestess, my father and step-mother are Catholic, my husband's father is a Presbyterian Minister. Oh my. So we decide that we will have a non-denominational ceremony in a Uniterian Universalist Church on October 24th, with my mother performing the UU candlelighting ceremony (a very Pagan-like practice). Then we would have her perform our handfasting one week later on Samhain.

First, the church wedding, which we had scripted to support many of my Wiccan beliefs and his ties to nature without offending any of the guests. My father tripped over my veil (which was attached to the color of my gown) upon depositing me at the alter, and my mother forgot to turn on the camcorder...Okay, every wedding has some mistakes...The next one has to be better.

One week later, in another state, with a lot of relaxation and planning betwixt the two ceremonies, what can go wrong? Okay, so we remembered the camcorder, the cats (our children), the guests, the incense, candles, ribbons, altar, bell, etc...Everyone gathers, my mother and her soul mate raise the circle, the ceremony starts, my mother gets to a section in the ceremony where we were to drink from the Chalice, no Chalice...

It just goes to show, "The best laid plans of mice and men, oft times go awry."

I still laugh when I think of this. I was working on the last day of the month. It was August and we were all hot and sticky from being in the warehouse. Now, August is our busiest shipping month and afterwards we all meet outside for some "downtime". Anyway, I'm out there with several friends and who walks up but one of our Vice Presidents! He grabs a glass and joins in. He has been working right along with us and was entitled to his share of the fun.

So here we all are, VP included, standing out in the field behind the warehouse, chatting it up and having a grand old time when it starts to rain. The only cover anywhere nearby, aside from the large building behind us, was a pine tree. Everyone runs for cover under this tree. Needless to say, we ended up fairly damp. We were standing there, dodging the drops from the needles when Mr. Vice President looks over at me and says "OK, you're a Witch. Can't you do something about this?" Knowing full well that it is bad form to start mucking around with the weather, I say "Hold on a sec...". I close my eyes and get really still for a moment, trying to get all mysterious and introspective (though not actually *doing* anything at all). The Goddess apparently felt sorry for me. Either that or She wanted to have some fun at my expense, 'cuz just as quickly as it started, the rain stopped.

not really a joke or a story, but an amusing little anecdote:i work in an elementary school. yesterday, i was looking at "the charlie brown dictionary" (copyright, 1973). i thought it would be a hoot to see if there was a definition of the word "witch" in there.sure enough, there was lucy, dressed up with the stereotypical wart-nosed, green-faced hag. below it explained how she was dressed up as a witch, and how witches were only to be found in fairy tales. the last sentence? "a witch is not a real person." we aren't? well, i just pinched myself and it hurt, but i guess that's just an illusion, huh?

Here's A Few 'lightbulb' Jokes I Haven't Seen Published Here Yet... How...

Website structure, evolution and php coding by Fritz Jung on a Macintosh G5.

Any and all personal political opinions expressed in the public listing sections (including, but not restricted to, personals, events, groups, shops, Wrenâ€™s Nest, etc.) are solely those of the author(s) and do not reflect the opinion of The Witchesâ€™ Voice, Inc. TWV is a nonprofit, nonpartisan educational organization.

Sponsorship: Visit the Witches' Voice Sponsor Page for info on how youcan help support this Community Resource. Donations ARE Tax Deductible.
The Witches' Voice carries a 501(c)(3) certificate and a Federal Tax ID.