Chancellor promises to 'come down hard on soap dodgers'

In his latest bid to avoid catching tax evaders, or evade catching tax avoiders nobody is quite sure which, George Osborne has unveiled his latest plans to cut down on ‘soap dodgers’. At a press conference to announce the initiative, he explained that the amount of tax HMRC is missing out on by ‘poor people and those of a travelling nature’ not using the hygiene product could run into to tens of pounds a year.

‘These people that refuse to wash are creating a stink among some of my wealthiest friends’ the Chancellor told the assembled media. ‘When your nostrils are under that sort of attack from your ‘staff’, how are you supposed to remember how many zeros to put in the earnings sections on your tax return’ he said before adding ‘It shouldn't just be the aristocracy that get close and intimate with their Cussons’.

Many high profile D-list celebrities have already been highlighted as taking part in ‘soap avoidance schemes’ on the TV show ‘I’m a celebrity, get me out of here’. However, under the Chancellors plans, those involved in such schemes will face a jail sentence where there can be rehabilitated and trained in the art picking up the soap.

Ed Miliband has come out to criticise the Chancellors lack of focus on the real problems in the economy and huge focus on soap. Wet, very slippery and slightly fragranced, Mr Miliband said plans to clean up the problem of soap dodging were just another example of the coalition ‘talking flannel’.

It is believed that ‘Operation Soap Dodgers’, which it’s hoped will bring in an additional £34.90p into the government coffers, will cost the taxpayer an estimated £150m. Critics of the plan point out that money would be more than enough to save Lewisham A&E from closure. However Mr Osborne was stubborn in his defence of the plan.

‘There are hundreds of Accident and Emergency departments all over the country people can use, but these soap dodgers are one of only a very few excuses I can find to distract me from taxing my friends fairly’ he told us. ‘That’s why it is now this government's policy to ‘get tough on grime, and get tough on the causes of grime’.