Spidey ID Hidey

Spiderman is answering a call for help from St Confidence’s High School. He swings down and approaches the privately employed guard who is barring the main entrance.

“Stand aside mere mortal, Spiderman is here!”

“Have you got two forms of ID, one with a photo’ and one with your private address?” asks the guard.

“No. I don’t carry that sort of thing with me.”

“You’re not coming in here then, sunshine.”

“But I’m on my way to a crime – to rescue one of your students from Dr Octopus!”

“The only crime around here is the crime of you having no ID in a potential Money Laundering situation.”

“But this is a school, why would there be Money Laundering?” says an outraged Spiderman.

“Listen sunshine, it’s more than my job’s worth to let people in here with no ID, let alone people in masked costumes and embarrassingly snug tights.”

“But what do you need to know about me?”

“Well I can see you’re not Jewish,” said the guard, staring pointedly at the front of his Spidey pants “but I also have to see the aforementioned ID.”

“Everyone knows me, I’m Spiderman! Look I can do this!”
Spiderman ejects some web fluid from his wrist onto a passing first year student.

“Being able to fire strings of what appears to be mucus from tubes in your wrist is not a form of identification that appears on my list, sir.”

Spiderman takes the list and examines it.
“But if I show you any of these things, you’re going to know who I am!”

“That’s correct; I think you’re getting the idea now, sir.”

“Well, if I can’t get in, at least tell me if Dr Octopus is in there.”

“No, can’t do that sir. That would be an invasion of privacy and besides, how am I supposed to know if he’s in there?”

“He is a megalomaniac who has four additional arms attached to his torso, each of which is twelve feet long and has a deadly weapon at the end. He has a haircut like Elton John, bottle glass spectacles and he leaves a trail of destruction and fear in his wake. Have you let him in?”

“I honestly can’t remember, sir, but rest assured that if he’s in there killing students, he’s definitely got two forms of ID.”