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Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Moses supposes his toeses are roses, but Moses supposes erroneously

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for ToothDay, April Threeth, 2012. We were just about to wish you a belated Happy Holy Week when We were interrupted by Jehovah’s Witnesses at Our front door. Could someone teach these damn people that WORDS HAVE MEANINGS? Even if every word of the bible were (subjunctively) literally true, you people didn’t “witness” a goddamn (heh) thing. Jeebus.

So, belatedly, Happy Holy Week.

We are currently being frustrated by (amongst other things) the fact that no one We know has had a birthday in three days, so We have nowhere to peddle Our video wares, as it (subjunctively) were. Becoming an overnight WorldWideInterWebNetzian sensation apparently takes a lot longer than One might think.

Just in case you were finding it difficult to resoundingly ignore it, here is the link for Starzina’s Time Of The Month Horoscope: Aries video:

Meanwhile, in a desperate effort to keep up with pop culture, We have finally become the very last person in the country to begin reading The Hunger Games.(We somehow managed to avoid the entire Twilight phenomenon; We’re not exactly sure why We perceived this as different.) We have finished the first part of the first book, and it is not entirely terrible, if One accepts the premise that it is aimed at younger readers, and thus presents teenagers as the only sentient beings. Also, that it is thus permitted to trot out litter-hairy hoary old chestnuts and present them as though they were (is this really the third subjunctively thusfar? We are on a serious alternate-universe roll. (We are pretty sure it is a Kaiser roll. (Have We really lived this long unaware that “thusfar” is actually two words? We’re pretty sure We always thought it was like “thereafter” or “herein” or “umbrellastand”. Hmph…ya live, ya learn. Who knew?))) brand spanking new.

We just digressed off to investigate the origin of the phrase “hoary old chestnut”. Turns out it’s from a play written in 1816. We would like, consequently, to suggest a modernization, in which we shall replace it with the much more vivid word pixture, “whorey old chesthair”. You’re welcome.

The preceding passages were for Lindsay. We had no idea she was following Our bouncing balls along until yesterday, when she commented that she enjoys Our litter-hairy references. So, as They say, the Squeaky Fromme goes to Greece. (Why They always say such peculiar things, We have no idea.)

We are fairly certain that that was Our first-ever Squeaky Fromme reference in these hallowed pages. We are now being enormously titillated by the idea of leaving her alone in here with Charlene Tilton. (We trust that the appearance of “enormously titillated” and “Charlene Tilton” in the same sentence struck absolutely no one as a coincidence. You’re welcome, str8 boi readers.)

And here is a HorrorScope:

Like everyone, (We are unique, just like everyone else is.)

you need regular exercise to stay healthy. (We’d much prefer some IRRegular exercise, if you know what We mean. And We think you do. Sluts.)

Unlike everyone, though, you can find new ways to enjoy it or make a game out of it. (There’s always flinging poo out the upstairs windows at Jehovah’s Witnesses on the doorstep. (with Dinah, strumming on the old ban-jo-oh-oh-oh.))

(Dearest Micro$oft Weird™: How exactly would YOU like Us to spell “poo”? Trust Us, We are all ears, except for Uranus.)

Your energy is just right for getting some cardio in now! (“Cardio” is, of course, the latest sensation in filled pasta, now beings served at all the hottest bistros and boîtes in The City Of Brotherly Love (Handles).)

(Who just said, “What’s a boîte?” Don’t MAKE Us come over there.)

It’s okay to let down your guard (We have guards?)

and show all your honest emotions today. (Oh, go fuck yerself.)

(Heh. See what We did there?)

When other people have a positive impact on your life, you should let them know. (Some of YouPeople are positively impacting Our colon.)

(There…how was that?)

Be prepared to communicate how other people make you feel today, because you will be surrounded by big personalities and bigger acts of generosity. (We can only imagine.)

You will experience a wonderful mixture of intimidation, excitement and gratitude. (Does anyone else fail to see anything “wonderful” about “intimidation”?)

Let these feelings inspire you, and you will be unstoppable. (Unlike Our colon.)

(To say nothing of Our semicolon; no, really; say nothing.)

(A punctuation joke, people…do NOT try this at home.)

Someone is out to get you — and it’s only Tuesday! (See? It’s NOT paranoia!)

Early on, scope out your foes (But not their toes.)

(What?)

and renew alliances with friends. (With friends like foes, who needs anemones?)

(What does that even MEAN?)

Before you launch the cannons, insist on a pirate parlay. (What are We, twelve?)

Good communication may stave off an ugly war. (As opposed to all those chic, smart, well-turned-out wars wearing this season’s newest shade, with an insouciant boutonnière.)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.