It's not the business of religion to get involved in politics, so let me just say this, it was unfair of the government to stage the public sector pay increases so that they got less than was agreed. I mustn't use this slot to make political points, but Jesus says directors of big firms shouldn't be getting 37% pay increases while the public sector gets less than 2%. It would be quite improper for me to point out the unfairness of a free market, capitalist system, on what is after all supposed to be a God slot, but my invisible magic friend says primary school teachers should get a £50,000 pay increase. It's just not fair that the rich and powerful are allowed to feather their own nest. It's idolatry I tell you. Well you just wait. In the next life it's all going to be very different. We'll see who's laughing then!

Happy Jewish New Year everyone! There have been lots of books lately saying that there is no invisible magic friend. Now I admit, it's perfectly possible that without the invisible magic friend, I might still be such a nice guy, but it's very unlikely. Science, with its concentration on discovering things, doesn't give us RITUALs. Only religion gives us RITUALs and without RITUALs it's much harder to be a nice person. When we pray to the invisible magic friend, we're admitting that He's watching us. If we thought for one minute we weren't being watched we'd all run riot, wouldn't we? So hurrah for religion and its RITUAL of praying. Don't knock RITUALs. A generation ago we allowed people to do things on the sabbath, and now the world's falling apart. Coincidence? I think not!

I was a young curate once, (hic!) you know. I knew a vicar. He was my very (hic!) best friend he was. He lost a little girl once. Just like that poor little Madeleine McCann. They believe in (hic!) God, you know. My invisible magic friend knows where Madeleine is. He might tell us, or He might (hic!) not. Who's to say. It's like the poet (hic!), poet said. God can't spell, can He? I mean I think that explains everything, don't you? God can't spell. Isn't it all just awful. Media circus. I wish people would just stop going on about it. Shocking. Maybe just one more glass of (hic!) sherry.

Some people want religion taken out of schools. They have an irrational fear about religion. Based on absolutely no evidence whatsoever, they seem to think religion is a bad thing. Of course we shouldn't allow faith schools to separate children from one another and build walls within our community. We should instead separate children in a loving, sensitive, inclusive way. Nor should we use schools to indoctrinate children - that's what churches are for. The simple fact is, all the best schools are faith schools. That's nothing to do with them always selecting pushy, middle class parents. It's because people with faith are better than everyone else. As Jesus said to the Samaritan woman "My religion's better than your religion, and you better believe it 'cos I'm the Messiah."

No TFTD today. This after all is the work day for all the Right Reverends, Reverend Doctors, Canons and community representatives. So instead, I've done a short dramatisation which basically summarises Catholic teaching in about 3 minutes.

Schools are going to teach children happiness. Children who fail to be happy will be severely punished. Unfortunately they're not going to teach them properly. Proper happiness comes from singing psalms. We can start with psalm one.

1 Blessed is the man that walketh not in the counsel of the ungodly, nor standeth in the way of sinners, nor sitteth in the seat of the scornful.2 But his delight is in the law of the LORD; and in his law doth he meditate day and night.3 And he shall be like a tree planted by the rivers of water, that bringeth forth his fruit in his season; his leaf also shall not wither; and whatsoever he doeth shall prosper.4 The ungodly are not so: but are like the chaff which the wind driveth away.5 Therefore the ungodly shall not stand in the judgment, nor sinners in the congregation of the righteous.6 For the LORD knoweth the way of the righteous: but the way of the ungodly shall perish.

Wow! Wasn't that incredible? That was better than sex, better than winning the lottery. I'm so happy!.

Luciano Pavarotti is dead. It was the church that got him singing. Without us there would've been no Luciano Pavarotti. He went on to sing in every major opera house in the world and shot to fame with his rendition of Nessun Dorma for the 1990 world cup, and his collaboration as part of the Three Tenors. As always at times like these, we turn to a theologian for understanding. Don Cupitt says:

"We should live as the sun does. Its existence, the process by which it lives, and the process by which it dies, all exactly coincide. It believes nothing, it hasn't a care, it just pours itself out. Its heedless lifegiving generosity is its glory."

Christians take an interest in prisons. After all we can't force people into churches anymore, but at least we can still force prisoners to listen to us. We also take an interest in the welfare of prisoners. As a Reverend Canon Doctor, and Director of the Centre for Ethics and Religion at Lancaster University, let me just assure you that Christians do this because Christ told us to. If he hadn't told us to be nice to prisoners then we probably wouldn't give a toss about them. The current prison overcrowding, which is not in any way a consequence of the policies of those eminent Christians Blair and Brown, is a source of great concern. Somebody quite definitely ought to do something about it. Prison officers should also be paid more and have less work to do. Somebody ought to do something about that too. If fact, there are a great many things about prisons that somebody ought to do something about. I spend a great deal of time with young men in prison, and I really am shocked that nobody is coming up with any ideas about doing anything about things.

Nearly half of all Brits think religion is harmful. Admittedly when religion takes power it does seem to want to cling to it, enforcing its dogmas and rituals upon everyone, and generally killing the unbelievers. The religious in power think they're better than everyone else. That's why sikhism is so different. We don't have any priests or hierarchies. There is no power structure to exploit. Instead, we only have our sacred scriptures, which tell us to be good and honest, to help the needy and the vulnerable, to fight against any injustice, no matter how small. Of course you don't have any of that, which is why we really are better than you.

After a glorious victory in Basra, and with nothing left to do, our boys in Iraq have triumphantly redeployed themselves to the airport. They risked being maimed and killed in order to bring the peace and stability that Iraq now enjoys.

Christians were pacifists for the first three centuries, until, that is, they got control of the Roman empire. A few eccentric Christians still want to love one another. Some Korean Christians, who couldn't find anyone to love at home, ignored government warnings and went to love people in Afghanistan. Now, I don't want to use words like "naive" or "foolhardy" when describing the loving form of Christianity. It's not for me to point out that they risked others' lives because of excessive Christian zeal. I wouldn't want to call them misguided, deluded, manipulated or gullible. That might make me sound unsympathetic or intolerant.

I know that deep down, they were doing my invisible magic friend's work. He is all knowing and all powerful and is therefore taking a terrible risk when he does anything.