I don’t know how many of you have ever been to an Ikea, one the Swedish furniture stores that have sprouted across the U.S. over the last couple of decades, bringing Swedish design sensibility and off sized sheets to the the masses at affordable prices; that is, if you can stand the crowds. Apparently Jesus likes Ikea, too, as he has shown his holy visage at Ikea’s Braehead outlet, near Glasgow. More specifically, Jesus has shown up on the door to the men’s bathroom at that particular store. This provoked one of the best lines I’ve ever heard about a pareidolia experience:

Last night one shopper said: “It takes you by surprise. It is really clear in the wood.

“I was only heading to the toilet and found God.”

Why not? It’s as good a place as any to find God.

Unfortunately, not everyone agrees that it’s Jesus:

But Ikea bosses reckon it looks more like the founder of Sweden’s most famous pop group ABBA – Benny Andersson.

A spokeswoman said: “Swedishness is engrained in every part of our stores.”

Looks like cheap veneer. One side of the image is a mirror image of the other, two junks of veneer put together in a feeble attempt to make them blend. Take half of a lot of things and create a mirror image and you start to see weird patterns.

The pareidolia veneer Jebus is obviously holding a couple of holy hand grenades in his tiny mitts.

… Now did the Lord say, “First thou pullest the Holy Pin. Then thou must count to three. Three shall
be the number of the counting and the number of the counting
shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither shalt thou
count two, excepting that thou then proceedeth to three. Five is
right out. Once the number three, being the number of the
counting, be reached, then lobbest thou the Holy Hand Grenade in
the direction of thine foe, who, being naughty in my sight, shall
snuff it.”

As a Glaswegian, I can confirm: it IS Benny Andersson. The proof we have been waiting for people. Benny Andersson is the way, the truth and the light.

What further sign do you need? Do you demand another miracle from Benny, after he has appeared so publicly before you? Oh ye of little faith. I’ll be glad when you’re all in Hull (Benny Andersson sends the unworthy to costal English towns known for their sea ports; Hull, Dover, Portsmouth, Southampton, Liverpool) due to your lack of faith whereas I will be rewarded with thai sweet chilli crisps (in accordance with the prophecy) for taking Benny’s hand when it was offered.

Think about it: what have you got to loose? If Benny Andersson is not a supernatural being, all you’ve lost is the brief time it takes you to sing Mamma Mia every morning (which many psychologists believe helps relieve stress and thus makes you a more moral person, such is Benny’s wisdom) which is nothing. But if Benny is the way, as he says, then you will be sent to Hull or Dover while I’ll be enjoying spicy potato snacks.

Look around the world, does it not look like it has a bit of Abba influence to it? A little? Let me put the case to you another way; why would Benny Andersson offer crisps and threaten Hull if you refuse to sing and enjoy his music. He must be either a liar, a madman or be telling the truth. He isn’t a liar – he’s got a beard, and people with beards are truthful. Moreover, it seems a strange thing to lie about, as what does he have to gain? Nothing. And he doesn’t seem mad; after all, he doesn’t foam at the mouth when walking the streets of Stockholm. Therefore he must be telling the truth.