Small of Me!

Recent revelations have highlighted a darker side to legendary crooner, actor and ‘Rat Pack’ leader Frank Sinatra. Many of his activities – from his womanising to his links with organised crime – belied the fun-loving all-round good guy image he liked to project. For years there has been a conspiracy to cover-up what drove Sinatra to such behaviour. However, the sad truth behind Sinatra’s hell-raising can now be revealed – Ol’ Blue Eyes was actually Ol’ Little Dick. Even though friends of Sinatra have claimed that he had ‘the biggest schlong I’ve ever seen’, another former associate has claimed that Sinatra was actually hung like a cashew. Johnny Spagnotti, a close associate of Sinatra who has sometimes been referred to as the ‘sixth member’ of the infamous ‘Rat Pack’, claims: “It wasn’t until the early 1960s that Frankie began to get so hung up on the size of his pecker. Up ‘til then he’d had no complaints from the ladies and assumed that it was perfectly normal”.

The unhealthy obsession apparently started in 1960, during the wrap party after the shooting of Ocean’s Eleven was completed in Las Vegas. “There was a lot of booze, a lot of drugs and lot of hookers and a lot of guys getting naked with them. Suddenly this young broad points at Frank and calls him a needle dick before collapsing into hysterical laughter. Of course, all the other girls followed suit. Frank was furious”. So furious, in fact, that the hooker in question awoke one morning to find a severed donkey’s penis in her bed, along with a note from Sinatra’s mob associates reminding her that this was the true size of Ol’ Blue Eyes’ member as far as the public were concerned. According to Spagnotti, Sinatra’s connections with the mob helped fuel his penis paranoia. “He loved to hang out with these guys, who all had nicknames like Rocco ‘The Cucumber’ Spinola, ‘Two Carrots’ Jimmy Genero and Tommy ‘Big Banana’ Frezotti. I think it made him feel kind of inadequate”.

Another source of insecurity to Sinatra was fellow ‘Rat Packer’ Sammy Davis Junior. “Sammy had an incredible schlong!” enthuses Spagnotti. “One of his party tricks was to stand by the pool and pretend it was a towel rail – the broads just loved it when they grabbed a towel off it and Sammy made it twitch! Frank was mighty jealous. Of course, it didn’t help when he found out that Sammy had been pouring the pork to his former squeeze Ava Gardner, and that she’d been telling everyone that it was the best she’d ever had! It all came to a head one night in Vegas when Frank was going to take a leak and Sammy shouted over to him ‘Say Frank, don’t forget your magnifying glass!’ Frank was incandescent with rage!”

He took a cruel revenge, setting up a fake audition for Davis in a non-existent jungle movie. Desperately needing the part to pay off gambling debts, Davis was forced to don war-paint, grass-skirt and spear and dance around with a bone through his nose, whilst Sinatra and his mob cronies watched from behind a two-way mirror. For years afterward Sinatra would humiliate Davis by showing the film of the audition at parties. Other members of the ‘Rat Pack’, however, were less threatening to Sinatra’s manhood. “Dean Martin had become obsessed with becoming a eunuch in order to curb his carnal urges”, Spagnotti remembers. “Every time he got drunk he tried to castrate himself. He wrapped elastic bands around his balls so tight one time, that they went black. Another time we found him in the kitchen with his testicles on the chopping board, getting ready to slice ‘em off with a meat cleaver. During this period you always had to keep Dino away from bacon slicers and mincers, also.” Peter Lawford also presented little threat: “Like most Englishmen he was a faggot. I heard he procured young boys for J Edgar Hoover and Bobby Kennedy”.

Feelings of inadeqaucy over the size of his manhood quickly led to top crooner Frank Sinatra becoming obsessed with penis enlargement schemes. “I went round to his place in Palm Springs once”, former ‘Rat Pack’ confidant Johnny Spagnotti recalls. “Frank came striding out of the bedroom stark naked apart from a half pound weight suspended from his member! It looked incredibly painful, but I didn’t like to say anything – I mean, the guy was my friend, you know?” The crooner also investigated other methods of enlargement, including a bizarre collar-like device inserted under the bell-end. “It also caused an embarrassing moment once when he was wearing it during a nightclub performance – he suddenly found himself singing “I’ve Got You Under My Foreskin” – luckily not too many of the audience noticed!” Spagnotti chuckles.

Needless to say, the collar device was immediately discarded and Sinatra turned his attention to suction devices instead. His first attempts in this area were crude – his valet once arrived home to find Sinatra with his knob stuck up the vacuum cleaner nozzle – but he soon moved on to devices such as the “Wanky Doodle Dandy” patented penis enlarger. However, this was still to no avail. Finally, in 1968, Sinatra was secretly booked into the Mexican clinic of Dr Jim Browski, a supposed penile expert who was rumoured to have increased the length of several star’s rods, including Steve McQueen, Yul Brynner and James Stewart. The ‘Rat Pack’s”’leading light was subjected to gruelling six weeks of treatment which included having his blue-veined Havana strapped to a miniature rack for nine hours a day. The aim of the rack treatment was to stretch the penis by a sixteenth of an inch each day. Although Sinatra was later to claim that the treatment was a success, adding at least an inch to his length, Spagnotti remains dubious. “Its notable that Frank’s old man was never seen in public again after 1968”, he muses. “There were some rumours that in the 1970s Frank had a small rubber airbag surgically inserted in his penis. The idea was that he could inflate it like a balloon to make his dick look bigger, using a pump under his left arm pit. I do remember seeing Frankie flapping his left arm up and down maniacally when an attractive women walked past us, around this time. Come to think of it, a few broads who went with him claimed he made a lot strange noises like gas escaping wile he made out with them – but that could just have been flatulence, I guess”.

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About The Author

Publisher, Executive Editor and Chief Writer of The Sleaze, the Doc is in the forefront of the campaign to preserve historic 1970s moustaches, and is currently the owner of a fine 1970 Alain Delon, which he wears with pride every Thursday. Before founding The Sleaze, the Doc had the singular honour of being dismissed from the Ministry of Defence's Defence Intelligence Staff following his involvement with the original 'dodgy dossier', which sparked the civil war in the former Yugoslavia. Nevertheless, he stands by his controversial assessment that there is satellite imagery clearly showing Serbian leader Slobodan Milosevic enjoying a three-in-a-bed romp with Princess Margaret and Richard Branson. Following his dismissal, the Doc crossed the Atlantic to enter the film industry, where he quickly became Tawny Kitaen's pubic hair stylist. The proud possessor of the world's largest collection of pornography discovered in hedgerows, the Doc is considered one of Britain's leading experts on smut, and acted as an advisor to the BBC 4 series A Pornographic History of Britain. Now in his early middle years, Doc Sleaze lives quietly in Southern England where he is sometimes allowed to teach Government and Politics to local A-level students. He can be reached through the site's main e-mail address - just don't expect a reply.