Living the Life of an Artist are thoughts and life happenings that surround me as continual questions, self-doubt, and distractions (okay and perhaps down right laziness) get in the way of being creative.
I want to explore this aspect of being creative. What happens when life gets in the way? How do we move past the self doubt?

Wednesday, February 04, 2009

"We can't stop the bleeding," the doctor informed me, "we'll have to transport her to Concord."

I was scared, yet relieved as I don't think that New London has been very good to her. The doctor went on to tell me that as soon as Concord found her a bed, she'd be on her way. I figured I'd scoot over to the hospital to visit.

It was an emotional drive. I put on a good front to Ma, but I am horribly worried. My head ran through various scenarios and I tried to imagine what it will be like to live alone and what would I do for a job. The thought of job hunting at this age is not a pleasant thought. I don't even want to think of not having her here.I kept telling myself to be strong because if she knew I'd been crying, she'd be upset and that's not beneficial to her mental well-being.

"They took my lunch away from me," Ma exclaimed when I walked in. "I can't have anything to eat or drink in case Concord needs to do procedures."

I had brought her a Pepsi and she stole sips of that. I didn't blame her. The air in that place was so dry. I drank my whole 24 oz bottle of water while there and kept my coat. No wonder she has four or five blankets.

The afternoon wore on and we chatted with the 96 year old woman in the next bed. She was doing better than Ma. She was going home.

I left a little after 2 figuring that it wouldn't be long before Ma was transferred to Concord. I also needed to get away because the place had an unpleasant odor. I was supposed to get foot massage at 3 and was really looking forward to it, but when I got home, there was a cancellation message. I crashed... but had to go out and cover snowmobiles that my brother had moved.

I put on boots and struggled out through snow over my knees. When I'd sink in the snow, I couldn't even reach the cover over the top of the machines. My boots filled with snow and my pant legs rode up my calf. I got the machines covered best I could and struggled back through the snow. By then, I was wet up to my thighs. I didn't even bother to change when I got in the house, but made a dish of nachos and settled on the couch with a book. I needed to forget for awhile and didn't feel like talking to anyone.

My brother called around six. He'd just talked to Ma. She was still in New London as a bed couldn't be found in Concord. What?!!! You've got to be kidding me! A hospital without any beds and a woman who is bleeding?

I don't even want to think about the consequences. What's going to happen? She certainly isn't getting the care she needs. What are the alternatives? The doctor had mentioned that Dartmouth is full, too. With this news, my fears escalated.

I am pretty good at putting my trust in God, in the Universe, but I am struggling right now. At 9:30, the phone again rang. You know it can't be good when the phone rings that time of night. It was Ma and the nurse. A blood transfusion was needed--- Jeez, considering she'd been bleeding since midnight Sunday and they hadn't done much to fix it...

Of course, I gave permission. Ma was worried about aids and I assured her that she doesn't need to worry about that. Trust, we need to trust. I know she has lost a lot of blood and something needs to be done. I'm a bit upset about what's going on; not only with her, but in the hospital care.

The urologist from Concord is in New London on Wednesdays. We'll see what happens today. I tell you, though, all this makes me disbelieve in the medical profession even more.

Deep down I know that I have to trust--- and I do--- but I am also realistic. I know that life isn't always flowers and it's been pretty darn good for some time. No matter how much I can prepare, I know that eventually will come the biggest crash of my life so far... and I am not really prepared... don't think anyone can ever really be...