Month: December 2013

Living in Manhattan makes for an interesting Christmas to say the least.

While I could spend this entire post talking about the magic and wonder that is the Holiday Season in New York City, and I could describe to you in great detail the intricate beauty of the store front windows at Macy’s and Saks Fifth Avenue (like the actual Saks store that’s on Fifth Avenue!), or the glow of the Rockefeller tree shining down on the ice skaters below… there’s no need to! You have an abundance of movies and television shows that can portray the very same thing!

I could tell you all about how my husband and I ‘bumped into’ Mariah Carey singing Christmas carols one night, or how after the city’s first snow, we spent the weekend sledding in Central Park… but that’s nothing you couldn’t see on my Instagram.

I know my readers, and you want the dirt!

And as always, I can deliver!

Manhattan is much like the friend you have, that is always fancy and dressed to the nines. And although you may not see it, there is a whole other side that they don’t go flaunting to the world (a side which includes sweat pants, retainers, and zit-cream, I would presume). And just because you don’t see it, doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist!

Manhattan is much of the same way. A life well-balanced in glitz, glamour, and TRASH! Bright lights, high society, and CAMPING. And for the record, I have never been one to camp!

Sex and the City could very well be the culprit, by portraying the streets of NYC as endless flowing cosmopolitan’s, and high-end fashion! But those of us who live in Manhattan know that between the months of December and March, we forego all glamour to embrace the likes of rain boots and down jackets that reach past our ankles.

So forget what Sex and the City taught you… in the winter, bears hibernate, birds migrate, and New Yorker’s take on the look of an Eskimo.

Case in point.

… And for good reason! Although the 254 million cars out there successfully serve to limit the effects of the raging wind to nothing more than a light jostle for it’s passengers; we “walker-type” feel the pierce of the arctic gusts deep within our limbs, and see each new burst as a threat to losing our footing and breaking every bone in our bodies (the bones we will so desperately need to carry our Christmas tree on our backs, 10 blocks back to our apartment!)

That very same snow that others drive through effortlessly – thanks to 4 wheel drive and the comfort of having the heat blasting on high – we have the privilege of trudging though, wearing innumerable layers and bad attitudes, in order to get to the corner store to replenish our beloved ranch dressing.

Emphasis on the ‘bad attitude’ part

We also loathe the Post Office, but not for the same reasons you might! Standing in long lines is the least of our worries… too often, we are more worried for our safety! We aren’t sure exactly why, but there is always yelling involved, and it’s entirely likely that the sweet 90-year-old man standing with us in line – who, just minutes before, was offering your daughter a sucker – is now calling another man something that rhymes with ‘sucker’, and is threatening to cut his body in a million pieces and hide his remains in the crawl space of his Lexington Avenue apartment.

Merry Christmas!

And although New Yorker’s have A LOT they could ask from Santa this year (like finally getting an apartment bigger than a walk in closet, and the miracle it would be to have an absence of rodents IN that apartment!) I think it’s safe to say, if it takes sitting on an old man’s lap from New York City, than we will gladly settle for coal. I don’t care how cute and jolly that Santa looked in the Macy’s parade, I know better than to trust a New Yorker. Even on Christmas!

You also know you are living in Manhattan if – in your attempt to outsmart the crowds, the need for Santa, and the Post Office nazis – you have purchased every gift from your Amazon Prime account (which no doubt, every New Yorker has!) But then like me, find that once they are delivered, you have no recollection of what the contents are of each package, and who they are for!

Not to mention that your Christmas tree (and more specifically, the gifts under it) look a little less merry than would probably be desired…

And if I were honest, there is only about a 23% chance (at BEST!) that I will get around to wrapping all these

All around the world, ‘Tis the season for baking cookies, caroling, and spreading Christmas cheer… And in Manhattan, for judging people by the (unnecessarily large) size of their umbrellas, taking in the scent of pine wafting through the streets (as opposed to the usual fragrance of urine), and the over abundance of weirdos rocking Santa hats!

And yet interestingly enough, we love it.

Some of us couldn’t imagine spending the holidays anywhere else! While others of us travel out of the city with high hopes of normalcy and family, but in time, will be itching to get back to the madness… And that will always surprise us!

It might even cause us to secretly wonder to ourselves, if the city has made us unfit to live anywhere else, ever again…. And in a way, we will be proud of that.

Because no matter how much peace and quiet our souls are so desperately longing for, one thing is certain, the city will always call us back and welcome us home with bustling streets and honking that will go on into the night… Which upon returning, will make us smile.

And when it does, no matter how volatile the weather (or our fellow New Yorker), no matter how overwhelming the masses of tourists, or how long the lines are sure to be at the grocery store… the pharmacy… the veterinarian… and anywhere else we need to go for that matter! We will know with complete certainty, that there is no where else we would rather be in 2014…

It’s interesting how often times you can read a whole paragraph, or listen to a whole message, and only one word stands out.

In my case, after writing my ‘Misconceptions of a Godly Woman’ post, Rachel and I awoke one morning to find our emails FLOODED with comments! Lots and LOTS of words expressing a wide range of emotions and opinions! And yet, only one word stood out to me…

Judas.

One word flippantly used to compare me, to arguably one of the greatest traitor’s in the Bible. A man who betrayed Jesus with a kiss, and turned him over so that He could be beaten beyond recognition, and crucified on a cross for a mere 30 pieces of silver.

I was a Judas?Why,because I cursed a crock pot and admitted my life wasn’t the perfection promised in Disney movies?

The emotions welled up inside of me, that one word etched in my mind for weeks!

There may have been tears, and there certainly were a few prodding questions to God asking, what on Earth He was up to, and whether I could find the courage to be THAT authentic again. But above all else, I momentarily questioned whether God would still want to use me. Especially when it was obvious that I had so MANY shortcomings!

But this wasn’t the first time I had encountered a bout with the feeling of unworthiness… I’ve basked in the grandeur of a towering cathedral before, which is always sure to make me feel small. That, and anything that requires an organ, memorized scripture, or pantyhose! 😉

It’s like the night my husband and I went to the Metropolitan Museum of Art in NYC. We tried with all our might to portray poise and sophistication while looking up with interest at pieces like the marble statue of Emperor Caracalla, and the Gilded Bronze Buddha. But in all actuality, we had a much more enjoyable time touching things with clearly placed ‘Do Not Touch’ signs, and whispering inappropriate comments that had us holding back giggles that would have otherwise, echoed to the ceiling.

It was obvious, we were so out of place. So unworthy!

But this last week, while searching my heart, the Lord did something that surprised me…. He didn’t even attempt to downplay or dismiss the insecurities that had been mounting over the last few weeks, He affirmed them!

“You’re right, you are NOT worthy… “ He would say to me.

He spoke those words as I was looking over a portrait and studying each of the disciples that sat beside Jesus the night of The Last Supper; the same 12 who were chosen by Him to carry on His ministry after His death.

I saw Matthew the tax collector, regarded by many as a criminal due to his dishonest past, and who was deeply hated by the Jews.

I saw Peter, who had once miraculously walked on water with Jesus only to be submerged by waves of doubt. A man, who in the end, would deny ever knowing Jesus (even cursing when he did it!)

Then there was Thomas, a man who continually struggled to believe God’s promises. Known especially, for asking to touch Jesus’s wounds because he needed proof that Jesus had risen from the dead.

And then there was Judas, the cold hearted traitor who Jesus knew would go on to betray Him that very night. Who even still, was welcomed to sit at the table.

Some disciples were loyal, devoted and faithful. While others were intense and violent, with explosive tempers and fiery personalities! Some were haunted by a dark past, while others were wary and frightened by the uncertainty of the future.

But one thing was certain, All were NOT worthy, but each were chosen!

Even Judas.

In Matthew 26:27, while Jesus was sitting at the table that night with His – so very ordinary – followers, it says,

Then He (Jesus) took the cup and gave thanks and offered it to them saying, “Drink from it, all of you…”

Too often we focus our attention on everything about ourselves that separate us from Christ – all the reasons why we couldn’t possibly be used by Him! And yet, we fail to see that The Lord is offering Himself to us even still, no matter how great our shortcomings!

I love how Mary Fairchild puts it when she says (speaking of the disciples), “Not one was a scholar or Rabbi. They had no extraordinary skills. Neither religious, nor refined, they were ordinary people just like you and me.”

The truth is, The Lord isn’t even just settling for us! He could have chosen anyone! He could have had the pick of the litter, and chosen religious warriors whose prayers were way more impressive (thanks in part to a handful of well-placed THOU’s and THINE’s), people whose past was a lot less controversial, and whose story was much more “church appropriate” (and at the very least, someone who was grammatically sound…)

But He didn’t.

Our God knows exactly who we are, even down to what we’ve ashamedly done in the past, and everything we will do to let Him down in the future! And yet, He has hand selected our past, our temperament, and our story to be used by Him!

I wept helplessly over lukewarm coffee and dry chocolate cake, in an uncomfortable green leather booth, at one of the only Manhattan diners that seemed to be open that late at night.

Just hours before, my husband had been offered his dream job in New York City. And after high fiving each other in the elevator on the way out of the office, it didn’t take long for reality to set in. Just 2 floors down to be exact!

We would be moving to Manhattan in just 5 weeks…

5 weeks to say our goodbyes to the people who we loved (and who knew nothing about our intentions of leaving)… 5 weeks to sell our house, our two cars, and nearly all our possessions as we would be moving from a 4-bedroom house in suburbia to a 1-bedroom in crazy town… And 5 weeks to – somehow – get in touch with the super-human mojo I would need to go from the small town girl I’ve always been, to the hardcore rough and tumble Manhattan mom that I would need to become in order to survive.

If those diner walls could talk, they would tell of a girl who shed an innumerable amount of tears that night. Each with an excuse as to why…

I…

could…

not…

do…

this.

There I sat for hours, weeping into my dessert (which was my husband’s sweet – but failed – attempt at calming my anxiousness)!

My husband had always been the one with notable strength and the ability to persevere under the most challenging of circumstances. I, however, was much more qualified in things like ‘quitting’ and chugging water. The expanse of the city had him giddy with excitement, while the very same thing had me cowering in fear!

I was focused on the money we didn’t have… the hopeless housing market we were currently in… the timeline that seemed impossible… and the street smarts that I was desperately lacking…

Somehow he managed to see it as an opportunity for God to show up.

One thing was clear, God would HAVE to show up! And in my weakness, I didn’t know if He would.

And so I cried all night long. Like, seriously!

The next morning, on the plane ride home, with bloodshot eyes and only 2 hours of sleep (you know, because I was far too busy crying to sleep!) I found this verse.

“Then the whole community began weeping aloud, and they cried all night.” – Numbers 14:1

This weeping ‘community’ was the Israelites, and by the looks of it I had a lot in common with them!

I needed to know more about these people! So I flipped through page after page to learn more.

What I found was that on many occasions God had ‘shown up’ for the Israelites in much the same way that I needed God to show up for me. He had saved them from a life of slavery, He had done the impossible and parted the Red Sea on their behalf to protect them from the wrath of Pharaoh, and He had never failed to provide for each of their daily needs up to this point.

Not only that, but the Lord had big plans for the Israelites! With every day that passed, He was leading them closer and closer to the Promised Land – the life He had so intricately designed for each of them.

So why is it that they were crying?

Because there were giants up ahead!

Literally!

Upon scoping out the area, they found that there were giants roaming the land and standing directly in the way of what the Lord wanted for them. And so, being that the Israelites were paralyzed in fear, they wept into the night.

In Deuteronomy 1:29-30 the Israelites were addressed,

“Don’t be shocked or afraid of them!The Lord your God is going ahead of you. He will fight for you, just as you saw him do in Egypt.” [Just as He had done before!]

But instead of resting in this truth, the Israelites chose to allow their fear to consume them! They ultimately refused to trust the Lord and acknowledge how He had provided for their every need in the past, and in the end because of that, few ever got to see the life the Lord had for them come to fruition!

And it was then that I realized, that I too, can be an Israelite…

So that day, at an altitude of 30,000 feet (give or take a few thousand feet), I made the decision to embrace the life the Lord had laid out for me and to trust that He is bigger than the giants that were standing in my way! I brought to Him all the fears that were looming, the needs that couldn’t possibly be met, and the magnitude of the changes that were directly up ahead – all of MY giants – and chose to lay each one of them at His feet and praise Him! Not because of what I knew He was going to do, but because of what He had never failed to do for me in the past!

I chose to trust Him, even if it meant moving to New York City…

Joyce Meyer put it well when she said, “Feeling fear is simply the temptation to run and hide from what we should face and confront.” And as I stood on the street this last week peering into the same diner booth that I sat in just 10 months ago – watching the waiters bustling and patrons conversing around the very same booth that I once sat in wept in – I couldn’t help but wonder what my life would look like today. What if, in that very moment, I would have chosen to run and hide from what I knew very well the Lord was asking me to courageously confront? Where would I be if I hadn’t given God the opportunity to provide the solution for every excuse… every fear… and every tear that had grazed my cheek that night?

I realized even more, that the pivotal decision I struggled to make in the diner that night, is the same one we are faced with every single day of our lives!

Are we going to trust God? Or are we going to quit?

Are we going to look to His strength, or rely on the inadequacy of the person staring back at us in the mirror?

Are we going to embrace the life the Lord has designed for us, or try to pave an easier way and risk the chance of never knowing what He had so perfectly planned on our behalf?

The truth is, it will only be a matter of time until our excitement is met with giants up ahead…

And when it happens, let’s weep. Let’s shamelessly let it all out because we have never in our lives been so terrified! But once there are no more tears to be shed, let’s bravely stand to our feet so that we can see – maybe even for the very first time – where life would take us if we let our faith in God be stronger than our fears!

And in the event that we lose sight of this truth (because I know, I so often will…)