Wednesday, September 23, 2015

I am feeling very introspective today. This is usually either a very good thing or a very bad thing that then ends up being a very good thing...either way I win it's just a matter of how rocky the road is ahead.

I am not really thinking about anything in particular, more like lots of things in particular that add up to the big picture. If that makes any sense. I am thinking a lot about journeys and paths taken and roads less traveled. I am thinking about the forks in the road in front of me and the decisions I need to make soon.

I am thinking about how much should I let my past journeys affect my new roads, and what baggage can I really afford to leave behind. Because even though sometimes you really just want to get rid of that baggage, because it's old and tattered and painful, you also want to cling to it because it's all you've ever really known and if you get rid of it what will you pack your things in now?

I am thinking about the unknown and adventure and how much it used to thrill and excitement, and how that now that I have been burned so badly all I want to do is curl in a ball and hide from the world never to try again. I think about how bold and brave I used to be, and how sometimes, just sometimes I see that glimmer of my former self in the mirror before my inner monologue squashes it like a parent telling a child too close to a hot stove "NO! Ouch! You'll hurt yourself!"

I am thinking about how to define the word "alone" as in "I feel so alone". Because whenever I say it to someone I love they are always so helpful in listing off all the amazing people in my life. And while it's true I do have an amazing support system I still feel "alone" and yet I can't explain it.

I think back looking for the happy days, and am grateful when I can find them, it's progress. I am making progress. I take some breaths. I focus on a happy memory hoping to pull myself from this downward spiral. Almost, for now I will settle for staying steady. It's progress.