A humorous view of politics, religion, human behavior, and insights toward everyday happenings by a single guy living in downtown Chicago.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Bless Her Heart

Remember the exotic dancer who accused several members of Duke University's lacrosse team of raping her four years ago?

All during the lacrosse team rape investigation, her identity was kept secret, no photos were published. That is, until now. Here she is:

Why is her identity being released now?

Well, bless her heart, she was just arrested and charged with attempted first-degree murder, five counts of arson, assault and battery, communicating threats, three counts of misdemeanor child abuse, injury to personal property, identity theft and resisting a public officer.

To put it mildly, the girl's got issues.

With that, here's the satire article I wrote during the Duke lacross team fiasco.

Duke University Lacrosse Scandal Featured on Celebrity Tours

By Buckner WheatMay 20, 2006

DURHAM, N.C. - In order to capitalize on the Duke University lacrosse team scandal, GoldLine Tours of Hollywood, in conjunction with Duke University, is offering guided bus tours that focus on notorious sites in the Durham area related to the allegations of rape against several team members.

University president, Richard H. Brodhead, explained that a steady influx of tourists and curiosity seekers prompted him to contact the tour bus company in hopes of benefiting at least financially from hoards of onlookers in the university area.

"My wife and I had just returned from L.A. and I remembered how much we enjoyed the tour of celebrity homes," said Brodhead. "I figured this would be a great opportunity to generate some much-needed revenue for the lacrosse team."

For $29.95 each ($15.95 for children under twelve), sightseers can board luxury buses at various hotels in Durham and embark on an exciting ninety-minute tour of locations associated with the rape investigation. The buses pass by notorious sites such as the lacrosse practice field, the ATM machine that Reade Seligmann used after the alleged incident, and the emergency room where the exotic dancer/university student sought treatment.

Highlights of the tour include photo ops in front of Colin Finnerty's dormitory and the infamous house at 610 N. Buchanan Boulevard, where the alleged rape took place. The tour is followed by a picnic lunch (cost included in the ticket price) on the lacrosse practice field, unused since the season was cancelled because of the allegations.

"I can’t believe we're really here!" exclaimed one tourist, Mindy Feingold, who drove eight hours with her husband, David, and their two children from White Plains, New York. "It looks just like it did on television."

"We were going to take the kids to see their uncle's name on the Viet Nam Memorial in Washington," said David Feingold. "But, historically, this is much more significant."

His children concurred.

"It was fun, Daddy!" they said in unison.

Feingold playfully ruffled his son's hair.

"And Jonathan here says he wants to play lacrosse next year. Doncha, slugger!"

"The tourist response has been phenomenal," reported Brodhead. "It's going to be a real money-maker—much more than the lacrosse team ever was."

Owing to the huge influx of tourists, Six Flags Corporation CEO, Mark Shapiro, has indicated an interest in opening a large theme park in the Durham area.

"The tourist season hasn't even begun yet, and the head counts look pretty impressive," said Shapiro. "Interest in the Duke rape scandal could certainly give [nearby] Busch Gardens a run for their money."