The devil's advocate

Sunday

Jan 31, 2010 at 2:00 AMFeb 7, 2010 at 2:15 AM

The government has finally complied with my Freedom of Information Act request, releasing a copy of the national security file on Satan's unholy wars against humanity. Included are reams of devilish details that shine a light on the war-making activities of The Prince of Darkness — from the war on crime and the war on terror to the culture wars and class warfare.

The government has finally complied with my Freedom of Information Act request, releasing a copy of the national security file on Satan's unholy wars against humanity. Included are reams of devilish details that shine a light on the war-making activities of The Prince of Darkness — from the war on crime and the war on terror to the culture wars and class warfare.

The demonic dispatches go back years but let's start with a recent bit of correspondence - an e-mail exchange between the Devil (who uses the email address pod@evil.net) and his Injustice Department Minister (whose online name is bopp@minion.com). They're discussing last week's Supreme Court decision in the Citizens United case.

POD (Prince of Darkness): Job well done, my servant. Persuading Justice Kennedy to cast the deciding vote in striking down long-established limits on "corporate political speech" even if it means more corporate-funded attack ads and high-priced political blackmail. Brilliant!

Bopp: Thank you, your evilness. Did you read what the LA Times wrote about the ruling? Democrats "will now have to think twice before supporting legislation that could provoke corporations or industries to target them for defeat." Makes the fire on the back of my neck crackle.

POD: Almost warms the caverns of my cold, compassionless heart. The timing is perfect! U.S. News & World Report notes that large investment banks are "irked by President Obama's plans to tax them. Corporations across the country are concerned about the implications of health care reform. And throughout Wall Street, businesses are expressing fear about the potential new regulatory regime. As a result of (the) Supreme Court decision, they can all now put their money where their mouths are."

Bopp: We knew we could count on the Four Horsemen. But who knew Justice Kennedy could be made to believe in the absurd notion that corporations should have the same rights as flesh-and-blood human beings?!

POD: In your face Lazarus! Not so cool up in heaven now, is it?

Bopp: LOL! What next?

POD: Glad you brought that up. Here's what's next: We must not let people notice the silence on this issue from the so-called populist teabag "movement." We have to keep them focused on being angry about tax money bailing out Wall Street, and Main Street not having a voice. That way they won't notice that this decision is a real kick in the teeth, ensuring that the voices on Main Street, and all those side streets in between, will be forever drowned out by deep-pocket special interests.

But more importantly, we can't allow the public to understand how David might beat Goliath. Again.

Bopp: But the Supreme Court has spoken.

POD: Don't be an idiot. The ruling effectively said that corporations have the same rights as real people in the political arena. Whatever "rights" corporations do have, they are established by government — not by the Constitution or (wretched) Nature.

Think about a Limited Liability Company. It's a special government-granted privilege that allows individual members of an LLC to poison the environment, sell dangerous products or endanger workers and not pay damages because the government limits their liability to the value of the stock they own, as economist Dean Baker points out.

Bopp: Isn't Dean Baker one of the few economists who predicted the bursting of the housing bubble?

POD: Yes. And that's why he must be silenced. He's too close to the truth. See, there's an easy solution to the lovely problem created by the court's decision. If Congress conditions the privilege of limited liability on a corporation's willingness to sign off on their right to spend money on election campaigns, the decision won't mean much. And there's a long, legal precedent for these kinds of restrictions. Tax-exempt organizations can't support candidates or lobby legislators, which has never been regarded as a restriction of free speech.

Lastly, you need to cause more distractions.

Bopp: More distractions?

POD: There's never enough distraction. I want you to initiate an Internet campaign that takes this further Right. Put out some "think-tank" paper arguing that since corporations have the same rights as flesh-and-blood citizens, they should also have the right to bear arms! If that takes hold, just imagine the hell we could create in a world where corporations have the "right" to hire companies like Blackwater — ahem, excuse me, Xe — to protect themselves from threats like climate change scientists! Now war on, my faithful and loyal minister.

Bopp: War on, my lord.

Sean Gonsalves is a Cape Cod Times columnist. E-mail him at sgonsalves@capecodonline.com.

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