Monthly Archives: August 2011

So with the football season almost starting, I’m sure about a good 90% of my readership is gearing up fro fantasy football. I’ve got my first draft tonight, and I’m ready. I’m the first to admit that fantasy football is stupid, but it gives us guys something to do every week and it’s a pretty good reason to gamble. There’s nothing cool about staring at statistics all day and deciding who to pick up in free agency. Every girl I’ve ever talked to about it is disinterested and I know why. It’s dumb. It’s childish. It’s pointless. But my God is it fun. I take my teams seriously. I shit talk my friends the whole week if I play them. I watch every second of football I possibly can to see if my boys are getting me points. Even though it’s dumb, it’s the best invention ever. It makes us guys feel like we’re football managers and what we do actually matters. For 3 months of the year I feel like Belichick in the war room agonizing over players and weekly matchups. Only in America!

So Lady Gaga showed up to the VMAs dressed as a guy. It’s no coming out of an egg shell or wearing a meat suit, but it’s fucking weird either way. She referred to herself as Jo Calderone, apparently a male alter-ego of hers. Right. I don’t get it with this chick. She has talent, but she goes out of her way to be completely batshit insane. I never bought it once that she was as weird as she acted. No one decides they’re gonna wear pork chops and steaks or come out of a cocoon and thinks its a normal decision. It’s all shock value with this chick. But I guess it works for her. She’s making millions and got me to write a blog about her. Fuck.

I’ve heard about this damn hurricane for a week now, and I’m fucking tired of it. Bring all the rain and wind you want, you can barely stay at a Category 1. Everyone in the northeast freaks out whenever something might veer its way over here, but I’m not scared. You can huff and puff all you want. I’ll be drinking beer and getting fucked up the whole time. Bring it, bitch.

PS – I really do hope this doesn’t become a shitstorm with power outages. Wanna know what my supplies are? A loaf of bread, peanut butter, jelly, water, beer. What more do I need?

So ESPN decided to run a story imagining if Michael Vick was white, and what kind of trouble he would have been in under the same circumstances. You know, the whole dog fighting to the death thing he ran on his mansion. Basically, the article goes back and forth about how it would be a bizarre Back to the Future story where if he was white he would have led a different life altogether. He wouldn’t have been as focused to make it as an athlete, blah blah blah. Honestly, read the article if you want, but you know the only reason they did this was so they could photoshop Vick being white. Shock value much? This shit doesn’t even make sense. Are they going to do this to the next white athlete that gets probation instead of jail? What if __________ was black? This is lazy ESPN. You’re better than this.

DailyMail – A 39-year-old teacher has been accused of marching two arguing students from his classroom and ordering them to resolve their dispute by fighting outside. The boys, who are just 14 and 13, were forced to ‘slap it out’ with each other for 20 minutes before their teacher, Patrick Kocsis, was satisfied. He has now been suspended by the district and faces two counts of misdemeanour child neglect after the incident on Monday at McMillan Magnet Center middle school in north-east Omaha. Nelson said typically a teacher would have referred the boys to an administrator. But Evans said Kocsis instead led the boys out of the class and down hallways, past the office. Her son Micah told wowt.com that Kocsis said: ‘I’m going to do it my way.’ The schoolboy added: ‘The teacher said slap it out. We asked him twice if he was serious and he said yeah.’ So the boys then flailed away and grappled for about 20 minutes. Micah told wowt.com: ‘We weren’t serious at all, just joking around. I put him (the other student) in a headlock and asked him if he was done and he said yeah. ‘So we went to the teacher and asked him if we can go back in and he said no, keep going.’

I applaud this teacher. Sure, what he did was reckless and the absolute definition of child abuse, but so what? Kids these days never get called out on their bullshit. You know this teacher had a bad day, was tired of these asshole teenagers causing trouble in his classroom, and said fuck it. What’s he gonna do, send them to the office for the 12th time? That never helps. Getting sent out of class is a badge of honor to kids like this. It wouldn’t have changed a thing. Instead, he stops the class, walks with the kids PAST the office and made them fight outside for twenty minutes. Even when they asked if they could stop fighting each other, he told them to keep going. I don’t know if you’re familiar with fights, but in the UFC they only fight for 15 minutes in most fights. 20 minutes is a damn marathon. He was obviously trying to prove a point with these assholes. If you wanna act like a big tough guy, you better bring it. Or Mr. Kocsis will make you fight for your life by the flag pole. If he doesn’t lose his job I guarantee you no other punks will give him a hard time in the classroom. Fact.

DailyMail – Three women civil rights workers have been fired for sending hundreds of catty emails giving workmates derisory nicknames such as ‘Psycho’ and ‘Monster’ and forwarding photographs making fun of fat people and Wal-Mart customers. The Iowa Civil Rights Commission employees were axed after their boss discovered the messages sent while they were supposed to be investigating discrimination complaints. Tiffanie Drayton, Michele Howard and Wendy Buenger called their supervisor Don Grove ‘Teen Wolf’ and the commission’s executive director Beth Townsend, ‘Night Ranger’. They also criticised colleagues’ looks, social skills and mannerisms, quoted vulgar rap lyrics and received and sent offensive pictures — all while they were supposed to be working on housing and employment cases. The nicknames the trio dreamed up for their colleagues included ‘Monster,’ ‘Psycho,’ stoned intern, ‘Roid Rage,’ ‘Rainman,” ‘Extreme Makeover,’ ‘Homeless McGree” and ‘albino.’ Townsend said the emails were so frequent, they likely took up a majority of Drayton’s workday.

Well this is a damn shame. I’m standing firmly behind these ladies in their fight to get their job back. This is an outrage. How can you ban people from talking shit about their coworkers? It’s what we do. We work with people, make friends, and talk shit about how incompetent the others there are. And to be honest I’m scared as hell that these ladies got fired for calling people “psycho” and “monster.” Really? That’s an offense worthy of being fired? Shit. If they think that’s bad then I pray to God no one records the shit I say at work about people. But that’s what it’s all about. I can’t imagine working in a place where I have to worry about gossiping or talking about how the new guy is as useful as Hellen Keller. Look, it’s not like these chicks were saying this stuff to their face. It was just in some emails they sent each other during work hours. What’s the big deal? Hey, let the sinless cast the first stone. Anyone that says they don’t make fun of their coworkers is a god damned liar.

You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me. Jeanne Marie Laskas must be the dumbest woman to have a featured reoccurring column in any publication. I understand guys have bad habits, we do dumb things and are generally not as caring as women. But this bitch thinks she can train a man like a dog and emasculate him by yelling “Stop” and “now stand there until I walk through” because she doesn’t like him going through doors first? Well fuck that. For every woman that reads that article I hope 2 men read this one.

Guys, don’t let women emasculate you like this. It’s retarded. These girls watch a few episodes of Oprah and get empowered and feel like everyone should treat them like a princess. Now I’m not saying all girls are like this. But the ones that get upset enough about a guy walking through a door first deserves to get thrown through said door. They say chivalry is dead. Maybe it is. But this isn’t the 1950’s. Women are all for equality and being on an even keel with men. But then they bitch and moan when you don’t open a damn door? Is it that big of a deal ladies? If a man enters a room before you do you feel like he’s taking the spotlight off of you? I really don’t get it.

Here’s a little tip for my female readers (if they exist). If you want to be treated like a princess, don’t be a fucking bitch. That’s really how simple it is. If you don’t worry about the small stuff, guys will be appreciative of the headaches you don’t give them. They’ll pretty much do anything you want them to if you don’t act like they are required to do it. I swear to God if a woman ever tried to yell at me in public for not opening a door or not pulling a chair out for her, I’d lose my shit and make the evening news. Fact.

Probably one of the most improbable triple play you’ll ever see. This is a freak accident on the baseball field, and this kid was as shocked as everyone else that he made that catch. How do you bobble a ball, have it hit off your head, and still catch it? Those runners are at no fault for getting in the triple play. That centerfielder had a horse shoe up his ass out there. Just gotta put your head down and make your way back to the dugout.

PS – He should wipe that dumb smile off his face and act like he’s been there before.

Perfect! 10/10! 5 Stars! THIS is how you make a commercial. How the fuck else are you going to get an audience to remember your shitty women’s clothing store, located in a shitty mall (I’m guessing)? You confuse them and make them laugh. Ask them where they got their hooker dress, and cut them off before they can finish. You flirt with them, tell them you’re fascinated with them, but more fascinated with the store they buy their clothes from. Then, you kiss a random dog on the nose as creepy as possible and then laugh hysterically until the commercial fades out. BOOM, you’ve got everyone hooked. I mean, if I was in the Memphis area, I’d go to Divine Rags to shop and I don’t even need women’s clothing. But that’s what a perfect commercial does. It makes you laugh, it makes you confused, and it sticks in your head. That’s why Prince Akeem here is gonna be raking it in from here on out.

Jesus Christ. So this is what Chunk from The Goonies would have looked like as a baby, right? I don’t think you can even call this thing a baby. What is he? 8 years old? Definitely pushing 150 and he’s in g-string diapers. The video starts out and he’s just rocking back and forth like someone was waving food in front of him off-camera. What is that? It was like a weird fat baby trance dance. So, these weird ass girls decide at the 1:30 mark to include Baby Huey in the shenanigans. Before you can blink your eyes BOOM, he’s out for the count. Just epicly losing at keeping his own weight up under his wobbly legs. And what do these terrible babysitters do when he’s struggling to breathe? Slap his back a little and keep dancing, that’s what. Sure enough, he gets up and makes his way back to his comfort zone, the couch. Maybe if he got off that thing more often he’d be able to walk normally and not pass out due to lack of oxygen.

PS – I bet these girls thought it would be hysterical to do this lipdub video to the “Tonight Tonight” song. They had the underwear outside their clothes and the terrible dance moves, and they probably thought it would be good enough to make their friends like it on Facebook. But did they even think of making this fat baby more of a marquee role in the video? No, that would be funny. If they wanted one of the greatest videos of all time, they woulda turned the music off, turned the camera on Chunk, and got out of the way.