Mr. Mufflin: If they hold these two back another year, I'm putting in for early retirement. [recieves note] What’s this? Oh great. A new student. Well, where is he?

[The lights go out, Kyle appears]

Kyle: From beyond the veil of dispose, comes one who is versed in ways of sorcerery, traveler of the mystical relms of necromancy. Please tremble, and give it up for...Kyle, the Conjurer!!! And, scene.

[After Fanboy and Chum Chum scoot up to Kyle's desk and talk to him for the first time]

Fanboy: So, a wizard, huh? Are you classically trained or self-taught?

Kyle: Well actually, I attended the prestigious Milkweed Acadamy for Wizards, until I was unfairly expelled for turning one of my professors into raspberry flan. Delicious old fool. [licks lip] But one day, they will see the error of their ways, and I will return to assume my rightful place as the most powerful pre-teen wizard on the planet! [maniacal laughing that then stops with Fanboy and Chum Chum's laughs]

Kyle: He is NOT a WIZARD!

Fanboy: Uh yeah, I am.

Kyle: Very well. If you are a wizard, why don't you perform some magic?

Fanboy: I foresaw that you would ask that. Stand Back!

[After Kyle gets farted on]

Kyle: Enough! I've had with you ninnies. It is time for me to show you what a real wizard can do. [his wand gets taken] Huh? What?

Mr. Mufflin: No stick waving. You'll get this back at the end of the year.

Yo: [chases Fanboy carrying Chum Chum, giggling] C'mon, Fanboy! I just wanna be with him a little bit!

Fanboy: How many times do I have to tell you!? Chum Chum is not a toy!

Chum Chum: Yeah! Hands off the merchandise!

Yo: [giggles] I know! But he's just so cute! And Chum-Chummy!

Mechatech: What is a Chum Chum?

Fanboy: What...is a Chum Chum? He's a snow day when you've got a spelling test; he's the marshmallows in your hot chocolate and the sludge that forms on the bottom; he's the smell of ham right after you've take it out of the dryer; he's a pudding fight that steals into a French fry battle and escalates into a fish stick war. [sobs] Oh, Chum Chum! What've I done? I want my Chum Chum back!

Mechatech: I await your command!

Fanboy: "[mockingly] I await your command. I await your command." Is that all you can say!?

Mechatech: Pull my finger?

Fanboy: That is it! I'm trading you back right now! [grabs Mechatech by the arm which he accidentally pulls] Ooh...eh oh.

Fanboy: I'm sorry Chum Chum I lied to you. I... traded you to Yo so I could play with her Mechatech and now you're stuck in there forever.

Yo: Oh, silly Chum Chum. Scampers is one of my Yamaguchi digital pets, See?, All you do is press the buttons to play with him, clean him or feed him,. It's so easy. He'll beep to tell you what he needs.

Fanboy: Fear not, Yo, You can count on us.

Yo: Thanks guys, However, make sure you take good care of Scampers. Otherwise he'll power down. Well, see you.

Fanboy: Uh, How many cupcakes can one cat eat?

[Oz has defeated Scampers]

Fanboy: Oz, how did you know we were in trouble?

Oz: I was coming to show you my sweet viking costume when my horns picked up the distress signal.

Yo: Why didn't you just use the door?

Oz: It's called "making an entrance". Duh!

[Fanboy and Chum Chum giggle]

[Sometime later, they continue a conversation]

Oz: Yo was all like, "Why didn't you use the door?". And then I said, "It's called 'making an entrance'" that.

Fanboy: I am not stalling! [heads over to a strange, blue toy which has flowers attached to wires protruding from it] I am flurping the meisenhoffel! [pushes down on a flower, which makes a "boing" sound, then puts his ear up to the "meisenhoffel"] Flurp!

Fanbot: [gasps as he sees himself in the mirror] Yes! I am a robot! I mean, [in a robotic voice] I am Fanbot. Didididididi. The world's most perfect creation... [crushes Oz's collection of figurines] Oh...I meant to do that. Ditty...ditty...ditty?

Fanbot: But with great robotic power comes great robotic responsibility. It is up to I, Fanbot, to make sure that we all pass the test.

Oz: Wait, you did this to pass the test? Well then shouldn't we have put the robot brain in your body?

Boog: [enters classroom]<Imitaters Fanfare> and stuff. Hear ye! Hear ye! Presenting the most radical king of all that's awesomely sweet, [brings out Fanboy] Fanboy! And his main man, the high duke of funkedelikness, mixmaster [brings out Chum Chum] Chum Chum! [puts them on their seats] There. Piece of cake.

Fanboy: Good. Now the other thing.

Boog: Aw come on!

Chum Chum: [shakes the ticket] Ticky ticky ticky!

Boog: Also, I like to make poopy, in my diaper. [class laughs] Shut up!

Fanboy: Oh, uh, hi, I'm Boyfan! [nervously giggles, does face palm] I mean I'm Fanboy. Did I just say I'm Boyfan? I'm Fanboy! Who would be named Boyfan? I mean, can you imagine such a thing? Why am I laughing so much? I love life! What can I say? Fanboy... [Muk Muk sniffs the hand he stretches out to her, she sneezes on it] I'll never wash this hand again...

[Fanboy sits on a bench outside school, sobbing]

Poopatine: Hey! What's the matter with you?

Fanboy: Well, if you must know, I lost my mop... And I don't know if I can get her back!

Poopatine: No! I meant I just painted the bench! Cant you read that sign? [Fanboy sees a sign on the bench saying "wet paint"]

Fanboy: You're right! I should fight for her! But what she doesn't take me back?

Fanboy: Can you eat sweet potatoes? Can you play Chimp Chomp? Can you read comic books? Can you break dance? Can you talk to fish? Can you eat cheese through your ear? Can you chew gum whist walk?! Are there rocket cars? Are they red? Are there blueberries? Are they red? [unintelligible] Muh muh muh ma? Muh muh muh ma? [spits, still unintelligible] Muh muh muh ma? Muh muh muh ma?! Can you wear clown shoes? Can you drink pudding through a straw? Can you ride a dog like a horse? Are the banks open? [screaming over noise] Can you dance with mummies? [whispering] Can you get a good bagel? Does it rain hot gravy? [SLAM] Will a Sasquatch give back rubs? [SLAM] Does it rain hot gravy? Are there unlimited chicken drummettes? Do monkeys shine your shoes? Is Duke there?

Chum Chum: Well-

Fanboy: Can you eat electricity? Can you pet a live tiger? [slightly less crazed] Can you hand me some toilet paper? Can you wear white after labor day? Do the shrimp peel and eat themselves? Of course they do! What am I thinking? It’s Night-Morning!

Chum Chum: I don't know if you're intrested, but if you want, you can do Night-Morning with me.

Chum Chum: Lenny's not sleeping behind the counter! Boog's not goofing off at the Chimp Chomp machine! Who's gonna peel the skin off the nacho cheese? Who's gonna wipe the sweat off the hot dogs?! Who's gonna pick the flies out of the mayonnaise and put em in the chili?!? THIS PLACE IS GONNA FALL APART!

Kyle: [with disdain] You two are "pizza monkeys"? What do you do? Throw your...pooperoni?

Fanboy/Chum Chum: [hysterical laughter] Pooperoni!

Kyle: [sigh] I'm witty day after day, and this is what they laugh at?

[the boys are at their table, staring glumly at the glop in front of them]

Chum Chum: How does she expect us to eat this? It's burning my eyes just to look at it!

Kyle: You public school students are so soft. Why, at Milkweed Academy, I was once forced to consume a beaver stomach tartare in a swamp bilge ragout. This'll be like a spoonful of Turkish delight. [takes a spoonful, releasing a cloud of fart] Oh, my, I'm going to be unwell. [topples over]

Mrs. Cram: I hear it coming up, but I don't see it going down! START SLOPPING!!!! IT'LL MAKE YOU BIG AND STRONG!!!!![lifts Fanboy and Chum Chum's table and then drops it to the ground]

[the students arrive with their empty trays]

Fanboy: Well, we're all done. We enjoyed all of it: the scooping it up, the chewing, the swallowing. Mm-mmm!

[Mrs. Cram notices that Fanboy's milk carton is shaking]

Mrs. Cram: Why's your milk carton vibrating?!

Fanboy:[Nervously] Uuuuuh, it's a milkshake?

Mrs. Cram: OPEN IT!!!

Fanboy: Uuuuuhhhh.... [all the glop explodes from the carton]

Lupe: Maybe we shouldn't have stuffed it all in one carton.

Kyle: Well, the rest of you can stay and gawk at your goop. I have ,on my possessions, a very large compendium of spell and charms. [Kyle's necronomicon comes to life] Necronomicon, I need you're help to make something disappear.

Necronomicon: Ooh!

[Kyle walks up to Mrs. Cram and gives her his empty tray]

Kyle: Thanks ever so for the nummy-nummies. Now, I'm off to do some light reading whilst thy digest.[Mrs. Cram swipes Kyle's necronomicon]

Necronomicon: Oh, oh! I think I'm going to... [Mrs. Cram faces the necronomicon to Kyle which pukes on him, Kyle then walks back to the table, head covered in glop, angry, and holding his necromicon] It appears that I have gone through my entire table of contents.

Fanboy: That's what I wanted to talk about, Mrs. Cram. May I call you Cramella? [Mrs. Cram has a blank face] Crama-lama-ding-dong? Okay, not budging with a name. I'll cut to the cheese. We'd like to go. You want us to stay here 'till our bones crumble to dust. I think there's a little upper ground, I'll just right down a number on how many minutes we can stay in this room. Does that sound like something you'd be interested in? [hands Mrs. Cram the paper]

Mrs. Cram: This isn't a number, it's a W.

Fanboy: You drive a hard bargain! I'll tell ya, I'll split my offer in half [tears the piece of paper in half] from a W to just a U.

Kyle: I'm afraid so. And let me tell you... [They use Kyle to knock the crowd out of the way and put him in front of Sigmund] ...only to make others feel sad about themselves. And I hope to never lay eyes upon him again! [Chum Chum pulls his eyelids open] Oh, hello, look who it is.

Fanboy: No one's going anywhere. This is a crime scene! [horror sting] And as all of you were in the store today, you all had opportunity! So you're all suspects! [horror sting, all do not react] I like mayonnaise! [horror sting] That is so cool! All right. One of you is the guilty party in...The Great Bicycle Mystery! [no horror sting] Nothing? Yeah I guess we should just get to it. Now Chumshoe and I are not going to rest until we find out who done it!

Chum Chum: Who "did it", sir.

Fanboy: My partner is as particular about grammar as he is about justice. Good work. Any clues?

Dollarnator: [telling his story] I'd only knew the day had come. The rise of the machine!

Lenny: I don't have time to explain! I'm you, you me, me you, from the future! In 1 minute, 2 very annoying boys are gonna enter this store. Do not, under any circumstance, give them a Frosty Freezy Freeze!

Lenny, 5 years ago: Oh but I can't do that because-

Lenny: Do it and you'll become assistant manager!

Lenny, 5 years ago: I'll make sure no one gets a Frosty Freezy Freeze!

Dollar-nator: [after accidentally knocking out Lenny, 5 years ago, after arriving back in time again, as he and Lenny exit the fridge they arrived in] Oops, my bad.

Lenny: Nah. I survived.

Baby Fanboy and Chum Chum: Excuse me, could you direct us to the library?

Boog: Can I interest you in a bop instead!? [the boys hug each other in fear. Boog 'bops' up a small rack of tiny Frosty Freezy Freezes]

Baby Fanboy and Chum Chum: Wow! What are those?

Boog: An array of our tastiest beverages. Yours to sample and enjoy. No purchase necessary!

Baby Chum Chum: What do these letters on the cup say?

Baby Fanboy: Who cares? I love this drink and I don't love letters! [they leave with a tiny Frosty Freezy Freeze each]

Chum Chum: Ha ha ha! Like I would know that it's my... B to the I to the R-T-H, D to the A to the Y-Y-Y, WHY?!? CAUSE IT'S MY BIRTHDAY!!!

Fanboy: Well, birthday song. I haven't heard that since the last time it was your birthday...it's your birthday...horray.

Chum Chum: You didn't forget, did you?

Classmates: Happy Birthday, Chum Chum!

Mr. Mufflin: B to the I to the R-T-H, D to the A to the Y-Y-Y, WHY?!? CAUSE IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY!!!

Kyle: And now, for your birthday enjoyment...

Chum Chum: Ooh! The entertainment's starting!

Kyle: May I present, Kyle, the Conjurer. [crowd cheers]

Chum Chum: Ooh, Kyle! I didn't know you did magic. Can you make a penny come outta my nose?

Kyle: Since it's your birthday, I'll ignore that. And instead... [the lights go out as he begins his speech] perform MAGIC! So dark, it'll cause you mere mortals to weep before me and bow down in awe of my infinite power! [he disappears, then reappears as the lights come back and the crowd cheers] Thank you. Thank you.

Chum Chum: Ooh. Now can you pour milk into a newspaper?

Kyle: Eh-heh, for my next trick, I had something grander in mind. I would now like to...

Fanboy: Make someone disappear? Done! [he leaves to focus on the gift]

Kyle: That's my palantír, you dimulated delinquents!! Stay right where you are. [switches the background from his living room to the Fanlair] I've been looking for you all night. Where is he? What have you done with him?

Dollarnator: [beatboxes] Ain't no party like a Freezy Freeze Party, cause a Freezy Freeze Party don't stop!

Kyle: [upon seeing a devoured Professor Flan] Oh, no! Professor Flan... [hangs head] Maybe I can make you back together with all that's left. [gathers flan bits and leaves]

[Fanboy and Chum Chum listen to the Tomb of Kingboy story on the tape recorders]

Narrator: Welcome to the audio tour of: The Tomb of Kingboy. [Fanboy and Chum Chum nod] Many years ago, there lived a young boy king -- Kingboy. He was tall and handsome and not the least bit annoying.

Fanboy: [commenting on Kingboy, who looks like him] Boy, they had some flat heads back then!

Narrator: In those days, there lived a merchant named Lenses. He was known across the land for his grumpy temperament and terrible customer service.

Lenses: Here's your stupid -- I mean-uh...Oh, royal Kingboy, here is the beverage you requested.

[Kingboy continues laughing and hits Lenses on the head with his staff]

Narrator: Lenses grew tired of the king's hilarious antics, and he hatched an evil plan. Please press 12 if you wish to hear Lenses' evil plan. [Fanboy and Chum Chum press 12] So, Lenses locked Kingboy in a pyramid. Lenses gloated about his cleverness, but his actions did not sit well with the ancient god, Chumnubis. Chumnubis cast a powerful curse on Lenses that turned him to dust so that he would be a nuisance to all for the rest of eternity! We hope you've enjoyed this audio tour of the Tomb of Kingboy. Please stop by our gift shop as you exit the Tomb.

Kyle: [facepalms] Urr. Stand back! I will now transport us back -- to the school from whence we came. Reverseus, Field Trippercurse! [accidently tosses wand out partway open window] Oh, heh. It looks like she didn't shut every window. Huh.

[seeing what they believe is the Glop Monster]

Chum Chum: Urrrrr!! It's gonna grab us, and spin us around, and then swallow us in its fiery mouth!

Kyle: We're gonna travel through its pitch-black gullet, tortured by the screams of our companions!

Fanboy: And just when we think it's done with us, it's gonna spit us out, THEN SUCK US BACK IN!!!

Kyle: Oh, please! The only reaction you two could evoke are cries of boredom. Zing!

Fanboy: Are you saying you have a better idea than hot dog fingers, with ketchup blood?

Kyle: Urrrrgh. As a matter of fact...I do!

[Necronomicon has finished his introduction and Kyle appeared]

Kyle: Shall we begin? Let us all join hands.

Fanboy: Hey, Kyle? If we're holding hands, how are they gonna fill the spaghetti and grapes?

Kyle: [growls and knocks the spaghetti bowl away] ENOUGH WITH THE SPAGHETTI AND GRAPES! [Takes Fanboy's hand, and they join the others] Oh, powerful spirits from beyond. We who are among the living, who humbly implore, and invite you to --

Fanboy: Ahem. Uh, Kyle? We're kinda on a time crunch here?

Kyle: Oh, very well! [avatar state] Demon from the depths of the underworld, I summon thee! I SUMMON THEE!!!

[Kyle is blamed for what he did to help F&C]

Fanboy: Ahh! Kyle! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!?

Chum Chum: We told you this was over your head!

[Fanboy kicks Kyle out]

Necronomicon: [off camera, referring to the new Mr. Trick] And what happened next, a miracle they say. Mr. Trick's pumpkin head grew two smiles that day!

[Last lines]

Oz: [sadly] My candy! My beautiful symmetrical candy.

Fanboy: Cheer up, Oz. You saved Halloween!

Mr. Trick: How about a treat, boys?

Fanboy and Chum Chum: Candy! [They each take a handful of candy and chew them]

Fanboy: Ooh, ooh, ohh! Let's just all write our names on the cup! That way, we can officially split, 50/50/50!

Kyle: Well...okay. But you two have the knack for taking the fun out of everything. Oh-ho-ho, I see what you're trying to do! You wrapped the winning cup with a contract, written in invisible ink. And if I sign, I'll have no memory of the cup. And I'll probably be poofed out of existence. Heh. SO if anyone is going to execute a devious plot, it will be me: Kyle the Conjurer! Mark my words, this isn't over! I'LL BE BACK! [briefly disappears] Wait, this is my mountain. You go.

[Fanboy and Chum Chum see two black glove controllers with attached wands]

Fanboy and Chum Chum: Awesome!

Kyle: Wait, What -- what about me? Where's my controller?

Sigmund: Vands are for vizards! You will be the shoe.

Kyle: Oh, Milkweed. Your forgotten son has returned-- [something falls and bounced on his head, landing on his hands] What the elf is this?

Fanboy: [when the lights turn on, showing they returned back to reality] Ooh!, It's a board game!

Chum Chum: Milkweed Academy: The Home Game.

Kyle: You mean I've been busting my shoe just to win a stupid game for children?!

Fanboy: Not just for children!, Fun for ages 8 to 888.

Kyle: [slamming the board game on the floor] THIS IS AN OUTRAGE!

Sigmund: [suddenly on orb hologram] But Kyle, you didn't foolishly think that playing a video game vould get you into ze most exclusive school in the universe, did you?

Kyle: Yes, that is what your ambiguous marketing led me to -- wait. How did you know my name?

Sigmund: Hmm, how indeed Kyle?, Could be zat I am not the hologram, but rather ze real Sigmund surrounded by a glowly spell? Oh, Kyle. It seems zat you vill never learn! [Sigmund Laughs, Suddenly freezes and grunting] Vait!, Vhy am I not able to move ze limbs?!

Hank: Look, everyone! The latest piece in my "Chalks of the World" set came! Check it out! The Leaning Chalk Tower of Pisa, ooh! I can't wait to use it! Suck-Up! Get up here and erase this board! [pause] Hey, where's Suck-Up?

[After Faniel and Chumtholemew get brain burn from the Bakedy Beany Beans and pay Lenwig]

Lenwig: Did you remember to open the pressure valve?

[They turn around]

Chumtholemew: [shakes head] Eeeyup!

Lenwig: So, ya did remember?

Chumtholemew: [shakes head] Eeeeeyup!

Lenwig: You remembered to open the pressure valve that releases the dangerous steam that builds and builds and could cause the entire machine to explode?

Chumtholemew: [shakes head] Eeeeeeeeyup!

Faniel: Why do you keep askin' him that? What part of "yep" don't you understand?!

Lenwig: It's just that he keeps shakin' his head "no" when he sayin' "yep"!

Faniel: Ohh! Well, that's because "yep" is gibberish for "No, I most certaintly did not release the pressure valve as you requested. I'm a humble man with many shortcomings, but I am just as he made me. I apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused. Sincerely, Chumtholomew."

Lenwig: What? What? Are -- are you kiddin'?

Chumtholemew: [shakes head] Eeeyup!

[After Faniel and Chumtholemew told Lenwig how they made it to the store again from the mine, showing the map where they found the cavern with the Frosty Freezy Freeze, and packing the whole cavern with dynamite to the store]

Lenwig: [shocked, as he puts the glob of Frosty Freezy Freeze he was one away] You packed a huge stack of dynamite directly under my store?! Oh, thank goodness. It's not lit. [relieves]

Faniel: Well, of course it's not lit. That'd be dangerous. Plus we don't got nothing to light it with other than that lantern you gave us. [pokes Lenwig in one of his eyes]

Lenwig: [as he makes electricity with his two fingertips] You didn't leave that lantern down in there, where it could thoroughly easily set off the fuse that's connected to that dynamite and blow up the entire store, did you?

Chumtholemew: [shakes head] Mmmmmnope!

Faniel: [explains] See, when he says no, he means--

Lenwig: I know what it means! [as he, Faniel and Chumtholemew run out of the store] RUUUUUUUUUN!

Fannihilator: What?! I've destroyed you tons of times! Eh, like, what about that time when you were standing in the town square and I fired that ray that turned you to stone and exploded you? [chuckles mainically]