The leader
of an Emerging Nation, the Upper and lower Cannibal Islands(2),
being an Enlightened Monarch, became determined to improve the quality
of his judicial tribunals. To this end, he sought the opinions of
jurists and other such experts in the More Advanced Societies.

Upon arriving in this country he was referred by the Colonial Office
to Texas, and to a Very Learned Professor of Law, who had made the
practice and procedure of our courts of justice the Study of a Lifetime.
Whereupon, the Learned Professor explained to His Majesty that the
American (and Texas) system of justice was the Very Best 
and the most expensive  ever known to the Civilized World.

One reason for this, according to the Learned Professor, was the
Jury System. Difficult questions of fact were referred to a jury
of One's Peers, 12 reasonable men and women. Only if their verdict
proved to be Entirely Unreasonable was a new trial (with a fresh
jury) ordered, at the Expense of the Parties, in order that the
Correct Result could be secured. When his majesty asked how 12 reasonable
persons could arrive at an Entirely Unreasonable Verdict, the Learned
Professor said he would deal with that topic a little later.

But the main reason for the Commendable Quality of Justice, proceeded
the Learned Professor, is that our judges are famed for their absolute
Fairness and Wisdom and Justice. This was demonstrated, for example
by the fact that judges of the criminal courts extend Particular
Indulgence to thieves, murderers and The Lot  all of whom
are deemed to be Virtuous and Innocent until the contrary is established
beyond a reasonable doubt. Further, as was well understood, should
a defendant in a civil matter fail to appear when his case was called,
the judges in those courts would nevertheless require the proof
of the claim with Utmost Strictness  the presumption being
that the Plaintiff might well be a fraudulent person.

His Majesty inquired how such Fair & Just & Wise judges
were found and selected, and the Learned Professor patiently and
kindly expounded: Elections. By Elections! By the traditional,
God-Given, constitutionally-protected election of the very best
of two judicial candidates, one Republican and one Democratic. By
the informed choice of All The Citizens in a free and independent
election.

His Majesty was interested in how AII The Citizens knew which particular
candidate would be the Most Fair & Wise & Just, since only
a few people in the Upper and Lower Cannibal Islands ever had disputes
in court before a judge. This, the Learned Professor allowed, was
also true in our country  but there was Absolutely No Danger
that the choice of AII The Citizens in a free and independent election
would be a scoundrel or even less incompetent, and not The Most
Fair & Wise & Just, because the Republican and the Democratic
parties always selected their Very Best Candidates with The Right
Stuff to run for Judicial Office. When His Majesty thought he had
read somewhere about the election of the Wrong Don Yarbrough or
others of That Ilk, the Learned Professor said he was happy for
these questions to be raised so he could discuss them a bit later.

His Majesty wondered about the difference between a Republican judge
and a Democratic one: was the Republican mort Fair or Just, and
the Democrat more Wise, or were both Equally So? The Learned Professor
explained, Ever So Carefully, that there was no difference 
No Difference At All(3)  that, indeed, when (as this year
in Dallas and in Houston) all of the candidates who won the free
and independent elections were Republican, the remaining Democratic
judges at the courthouse could choose to Switch Parties, and become
Republicans too, so they would not be defeated in the next election
for not being Fair & Just & Wise.

His Majesty thought about asking whether a judge who did Switch
Parties would become more Fair & Just & Wise, and how long
this might last, or why the Republican candidates were more Fair
& lust & Wise in one election and the Democratic candidates
Were Moreso in the next. But, having heard that our elections were
Really Quite Expensive, and not free, His Majesty mentioned
Just That.

True, the Learned Professor agreed, this is Very True. But he pointed
out that expense of campaigning among All the Citizens causes Absolutely
No Problems  because the judicial candidates are permitted
to raise The Money Necessary to Win from the lawyers who appear
in court and their clients. When His Majesty wanted to know how
the Fair & Just & Wise judges who had received money and
votes from the lawyers (and clients) appearing before them in particular
cases could still render the correct decision Without Regard For
Consequences, the Learned Professor said this was for obvious
reasons he would subsequently explain. (4)

At this point, His Majesty began to despair of ever being able to
find judges in his country who were so Fair & Wise & Just
as ours. And, since the Learned Professor seemed to be Running Down,
His Majesty thanked him warmly  but observed that, on the
whole, the legal system obtaining in the Upper and Lower Cannibal
Islands was really Much the Same as that here.

Although his Majesty did select his judges, he was from the Upper
Cannibal Islands and therefore took all his judges from that tribe
 and this would be the same result obtaining even in a free
and independent election, just as in this country. And, should a
Rival Leader from the Lower Cannibal Islands take power, then all
of the judges he selected would be from that tribe.

The only Slight Difference in the two systems, His Majesty felt,
was that in his Emerging Nation all of the Ousted Judges were handed
over to All The Citizens to be eaten, being reserved for public
consumption on a National Holiday. So His Majesty thought that the
practice of letting judges Switch Tribes so they would not be eaten,
might be a good one, and at least Worthy of Study, so long as the
judges were truly Fair & Wise & Just.

The Moral: Fables are not true. Thank Goodness.

Loosely
based upon "The King of the Upper and Lower Cannibal Islands
and the Regius Professor," from Fifth Forensic Fables
by "O" (the pen name of Theobald Mathew), publishtd
by Butterworth & Co. (London 1961).

No
disrespect to cannibals is intended. Indeed, I have somewhat of
a warm feeling toward them  due to many days spent As A
Youth at the beloved Boy Scout camp in East Texas: Camp Tonkawa
("Here's to Tonkawa aw, Bravest of Tribes ").
And because, many years later  while reading a book
by A. C. Greene about my only bookworthy relative: "The Last
Captive" (Encino Press,1972)  I learned that the
Tonkawas were cannibals, considered so "by both Indians
and whites," and that (contrary to my old camp song) despite
"their record of friendship with the whites, few tribes were
as despised and rejected by the whites as the Tonkawas."

An
angry letter to the Editor, captioned "Hogwash About Judge
Selection," made this point in a More Telling Manner:
"We have always elected our judges by straight party voting.
The only difference(and here's the rub) is that it was always
straight, good ol' boy Democratic votes. Well, now it's the other
party  the Republicans  and our worst [Republican]
judge is no worse than the worse Democratic judge." Dallas
Times Herald (Nov. 1984).

Probably
the Learned Professor intended to tell about the Fair & Wise
& Just candidate for judicial office who received a $10,000
contribution from a plaintiff's attorney and $15,000 from a defense
attorney. "Gentlemen," he said to both, "I
am returning $5,000 to the defense attorney  and any case
you have before me will be tried on it's merit."