I just had a horrible confrontation with my mom that descended into a yelling. She didn't abuse me sexually but she was abusive emotionally and some physical abuse. My T says I was a victim long before my perps ever found me. From my familys abuse I was easy pickings. As our conversation spiraled out of control she accused me of bulling her and I told her that I was finally standing up for myself. She started playing her mind games and said she was a victim. I said that the difference was I wasn't one of her abusers but she one of mine and I kicked her out of my place. I realize this is probably growth but it hurts. i feel terrible but I am not sure why. My T once asked me if I loved my mother and I said of course. then he asked me why. I did not have an answer. I'm hurting and any feedback would really be appreciated. Thanks pals, Pete

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"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us." Ralph Waldo Emerson

Personally I'm always ready to learn, although I do not always like to be taught. -Sir Winston Churchill

I really feel for you bud. I am so sorry that you had a very bad encounter with your mom. It never ceases to amaze me how so many of us have ongoing issues with our parents, especially our mothers. I'm still in the trenches on this one with my mom. Things have gotten a bit better over the last week but that's in spite of my mom revealing my story to others without my consent. The repercussions of this have brought me a great deal of anxiety.

All I can advise is that you work closely with your T on this one. My T told me that this is my biggest issue at hand and once I get through the hard stuff with my mom things begin to take a new turn in my life. I find that difficult to be believe but he be the doc and he's been doing this for a while.

If you feel comfortable doing so, please continue to check in with us on this.

I'm really sorry about your incident with your mother. Many of us wish we had parents who were emotionally capable of being adults and being our parents, but we don't have that luxury.

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My T once asked me if I loved my mother and I said of course. then he asked me why. I did not have an answer.

There are many reasons why we love people who abused us, especially if they are a parent.

First of all, she is your mother and you grew up thinking you were supposed to love your mother. No matter how bad she was, as a child you attached to her and that basic mother/son connection is a strong bond for the child, no matter how badly the mother turns out to be.

Second, you, like me, probably wanted to love your mother, a better mother that you dreamed she could be. The mother you saw once in a while that you wished would be around all the time but were confused as to why she wasn't there for you when you needed her to be.

Third, most abusers provide something that we need as children, attention, shelter, comfort, food, love, etc. As a child, that can earn our love whether we realize it or not.

It is common to have some emotional attachment to your abusers, especially if it is a parent, no matter what the abuse was. And in your case, it sounds like she is attempting to continue the abuse.

Tonight you set your boundaries and stuck to them. You should be extremely proud of yourself. Hopefully you will learn to be able to hold firm without escalating the situation so you feel bad afterwards. That is something you can work on. But tonight, enjoy the fact that you have made a huge step towards recovery.

It's tough trying to hold the good thoughts of our parents when the bad stick out so much. Especially when the bad keep on happening.

I have been trying to heal the relationship with my mother and though we have reached a point where she is no longer abusive, she is trying to convince me that I don't remember my childhood correctly. I realize that our relationship is never going to be a deep one because she won't respect what I have to say about it.

You've got my whole heart, man. I don't know what can possibly hurt more deeply than mother pain. Mommies are supposed to love us, protect us, nurture us and when it happens that our mommies are the ones who hurt us, it destabilizes our understanding of the world.

I won't go into the details here, but I had what is commonly known as a toxique mother. And no, I don't love her. As a child I thought that I did, believed that I had to, because she was the guanrantor of my survival. I was comviced that I could die if ever she went away. Well, that's not love - that's dependency.

A toxic mother does't always beat her children even though most do, often times prefering to manipulate her male partner(s) into doing that for her, but she lies, manipulates. plays on the emotions of the vulnerable to satisfy her passions or desires, she complains constantly (to her familly only) that no one appreciates her, undersatnds what she's being put through, etc. She is subversive, derogatory, often cruel and emotionally distant. In public these women behave as though they were Mother Theresa herself and as children we are often told by outsiders how lucky we are to have a mother like the one we've got.

Does any of this sound familiar? Ask any person who has a good or loving relationship with their own mother why they love her and they can immidiatly (and at lenth) tell you.

Add up for yourself the number fo happy memories from your childhood pertaining to your mother? If you can't do that or if there are only a few...if you can't name right off the top of your head your mother's three outstanding qualities and why you are proud to call her your mother... you might want to look into toxic mother syndrome.

I don't love my mother. I don't hate her either. I haven't spoken to the woman in ten years now and am so completly indifferent to her existence. For what she was to me, I consider that I never had a mother. I don't think that she could spell the word MOTHER if she had written down in front of her.

If this is rattling your cage, Pete, feel free to PM me and we can talk some more.

Sans LogosMemberMaleSurvivor
Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...

hi pete!

i am very sorry for your suffering. one of my deepest sorrows was at realizing that my mother was only a human being and would never be who i needed and wanted her to be.

coming to terms with this helped me realize the responsibility i had to nurture myself and become my own mother. same deal with my dad [who is now deceased].

it's so hard to become unmeshed with the spirit of mother but something we must all face. it's a natural thing we must all come to terms with. even mother's must face it. nevertheless it is never an experience to welcome with open arms.

and that there is precisely the thing i miss the most about the mother love: the welcoming open arms, the unconditional love and acceptance of a mother, of which mine, good hearted and well-intentioned though she was, was unable to give.

but as i said, i had to learn to give myself that love. it's not the same, but there must be something of import in the fact that we must learn this lesson of letting go the mother and accepting her flawed hu-womanity and personhood.

i feel for you pete, because this is not an easy thing. and was very helpful for you to share the moment of your life which occasioned your detachment from the power of mother.

But then now that its over, release it completely so that neither she or her actions towards you, can have ever take any space in your future, that would create this moment on, afresh!

Forgiving our parents for their follies is the hardest task, especially if they do not understand it as well, and that the fact remains that they never will, because if they did they would never done them in the first place. Don't waste any more breath on her, your life is far too precious than her understanding of her role in your predicament!

Hi lungfish.Well congradulations for standing up to your mother. You did the right thing and don't feel guilty. I was brought into this world by a sexually, emotionally, physically and menatally abusive mother. Take away the sexual abuse part, and you will see just how you, me and others were set up to be (pardon the expression) clay pigeons to be sought out by perps who were just looking for some boy who was missing something, like love, direction and emotional love that IS expected from a parent/s. Here is an excerpt from the book Abused Boys, by a Mic Hunter credit him for these words as told by a CSA victim & later an abuser. Again this is not a quote from me. "There was never a shortage of boys who were hurting for love, who needed some one who cared for them and gave them time and understanding. He tried to be the father all these boys did not have. The one thing they were all missing and looking for". end of quote. How true those powerful words are.Pete (the Irishmoose one)

Thanks guys, I have never been one to ask for help, I usually just suffer alone inside my own head. It felt ok just to bluntly ask for help when I was hurting. The feedback I received was tremendously helpful. The wisdom of the members on this site is astounding. I hope as I get healthier that I will be beneficial to others as well. thanks again. pete

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"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us." Ralph Waldo Emerson

Personally I'm always ready to learn, although I do not always like to be taught. -Sir Winston Churchill

It's tough to reach out to others and I'm glad are learning to do that. It's a big step.

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I usually just suffer alone inside my own head.

I find that to be a very dangerous place to hang out much of the time. Don't be alone when you don't have to be. Be with friends, online or in person, and share. Talking helps, and sometimes you come across a gem of advice, or someone puts something into a different perspective.

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