SugarBeat: Gun Debate Goes Postal

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A hot topic of the moment in the United States is gun control. Should sale of firearms be unrestricted by the federal government? Are there too many guns on the street, or too few? Some people quote the second amendment, the right to bear arms, which is understandably vague, and I’m certain the founding fathers are laughing their ghostly butts off trying to figure out just what the hell that means. Can we have any guns whenever we want? Only sometimes? Can we rule out that this applies to Bears?

Unlike most political issues, which are sorted out neatly and with great maturity on the part of our legislators, this issue has polarized the nation into a mindless rabble of drunken hicks who want the right to shoot each other in the face and a friendship-circle of sniveling cowards who just want to give their possessions away to burglars and terrorists so they can spend their days petting bunnies.

Neither one is all that favorable, if I’m being honest.

Otherwise moderate individuals have made drastic changes to show support for one side or the other. My dad, for instance, has ditched white button-up shirts and instead wears flannel all day every day, open down the middle so as not to hide his beer gut. My mom, on the other hand, has not shaved in months, and has applied to Berkeley.

The argument rages on. The gun control advocates cite countless examples of school shootings, and claim that they would occur less often if guns were not so readily available. Gun rights advocates shoot back that even in places with tight gun control, gun-related deaths are high. So what is the answer?

Shootemup Inc. is a company that has come out strongly in favor of legalizing all guns everywhere, pouring millions of dollars into ad campaigns. Shootemup is one of the top producers of handguns, shotguns, and rifles in the US, but they are preparing to hit the ground running if gun rights are slacked.

“We’ve got our factories ready for a surge of new product,” says Alfonso McShooteypants, CEO of Shootemup. “When the lawmakers in Washington finally admit that the second amendment applies to any weapon that humankind can think up, then we’ll start production. We want to put an Uzi in every home, an AK47 in every school. Think about it: what terrorist would dare attack America if they knew that Average Joe had an RPG and was just itching to shoot down their helicopter?”

In response to this, groups have been forming all around the country to speak out against owning guns in general. In fact, some have even abandoned their residential neighborhoods and created peaceful communities on farms, where everyone helps and nobody goes without. It is reported that the entire state of Vermont is now a commune.

“We just want to spread the love,” says the leader of one of these societies, known simply as “Bud”. “If you look deep inside yourself, and ask yourself… do I think of myself as a killer? You’d say to yourself, no, I’m no killer. So what I’m trying to say is that we’re peaceful at heart. We don’t need guns.”

What side of the debate are you on? Whatever you believe, don’t be afraid to voice your opinions, whether its by renouncing all worldly possessions or getting yourself a turret mounted on the back of your pickup. Or somewhere in between, but that’s not nearly as interesting, is it?