Saturday, October 9, 2010

TUF E NUF FILM BUF - UNINVITED

Ever been uninvited? I have. I've been uninvited to just about every social gathering you can think of. It's because I have a tendency to black out and do things I normally wouldn't like puke in the sink and accidentally punch your sister in the mouth. I wasn't really even invited to write this review but like the mutated kitty who terrorizes 80's party animals, babes, and gangsters in the fantastic feature simply titled Uninvited, I'm here to ruin everyone's good time on the TUF E NUF party boat.

Cult sleaze auteur Greydon Clark sets sail on the high sea of cheese with Uninvited(1988). A movie about gangsters who invite some party-lovin' teens onto their yacht in an attempt to cover their criminal cruise to the Caribbean. Two of the 80's babes invited on board take a found cat along with them because it's cute or something. Soon enough Mr. Kitty lets it's true nature show which causes some major complications to both criminal ventures and hard partying. Proving once and for all that cats are one of the worst of the cock-blocking animals. They are selfish fucks who will do whatever they can to sabotage any chance you have of getting any of their namesake. Seriously, the second you see a cat it's an early warning signal to get out while you can. There is a reason why old spinsters are surrounded by hundreds of these beasts. They are the harbingers of loneliness and involuntary celibacy. But I digress, in this instance a cat is a harbinger of death because little does everyone know that a fluffy cat has escaped a sinister animal testing laboratory and has a bat/rat/ghoulie living inside it.

After a title sequence that calls upon every conceivable combination of text wipes we open on an exterior of a high-rise. Inside there are a couple doctor types who are discussing some doctor shit over some x-rays. It's all very technical and when one doctor poses the question "Do you think it's cancer?", the other comes to the very reasoned conclusion that the only way to find out is to "cut it open and find out." The "it" at the center of this medical discussion is a cat. They bring out the subject and attempt to inject it with a sedative before breaking out the knives.

But as a cat always does, anything you don't want it to do, the little fucker runs out of the operating room. Doc is quick to the phone and calls in some guys in radiation suits who shoot the cat with a tranquilizer.

This turned out to be a really shitty idea because a little bat goblin thing pops out of the cats mouth

and makes a mockery out of safety placards with their blood.

Meanwhile, across town, two 80's bros are scopin' for hardbodies at the marina.

Why the marina and not the beach you ask? Well, the dorklord Lance in the toddler's hat asked the very same question. To which Cory, the smart other half of this 80's buddy team answers snidely, "The beach is for riff-raff, if you want to find a classy chick you go to the marina. It's where the money is." Truer words were never spoke because right after that two sarong sportin' dock foxes come a strollin' down looking for a party.

They sit down and right away they let our two buddies know they mean business and by business I mean party and by party I mean hump. As illustrated below by this shot sequence.

Things are looking good for our boys but, of course, right when things are getting sweet a beard wearing gooch named Martin shows up and informs everyone that every hotel in Ft. Lauderdale is booked.

Cory is not happy about Martin's appearance. No one would be. He has a beard. In the 80's if you had a beard you were either a rapist or Michael McDonald or both. Nothing chases the babes off the beach like a beard. Regardless of poor grooming choices for the period, there are only two chicks and now three dudes. Do the math. It's not going to add up. Unless you're thinking about swinging a two-dude threesome and in that case you get the hell out of here right now. This is the 80's not the late 90's.

Anyways, the girls have a solution. The night before a nicely dressed and moustachio'd (appropriate facial hair for that period) gentleman by the name of Oscar Graham had invited the ladies aboard his yacht which is set to sail into the Caribbean. They invite the guys along and things are looking up. They head down to the yacht to meet Mr. Graham.

On the dock Martin discovers the escaped lab cat. The girls immediately start cooing over it and decide to take it with them. As if Martin and his creepy beard wasn't enough of a sexual repellent now our two main dudes are faced with another obstacle to overcome in their quest for poon. A cat. And not only that but a cat with a Mel Gibson sized inner-demon.

The gang takes a motorboat out to the yacht to meet Mr. Graham. A yacht that has a female captain which adds a whole new layer of danger to this ill-fated voyage.

Mr. Graham, understandably, is not happy about the girls inviting three dudes and a cat. The movie is titled Uninvited and now we know just how artfully layered this title decision is. Yet, before he has a chance to uninvite them, some guy shows up and tells Mr. Graham that the police are coming to search the boat. Turns out Mr. Graham is a wanted criminal and decides to set sail for the Cayman Islands immediately. The gang decides they don't care about that and starts the festivities.

Like an 11 year old at a Christmas party the cat lurks in the corners sneaking sips out of people's drinks.

Not before long the nasty little bastard is tanked and the demon comes out to party.

And by party I mean murder.

But this cat doesn't just bite and scratch you to death. If you're unlucky enough to survive the initial attack the mutated blood inside of it will poison you and cause you to die an extremely painful death where your skin bubbles

and your blood sprays everywhere.

But as much as the people on the boat suffer the terror of being killed by a poisonous house cat it is we, the audience, who truly suffer.

THERE IS NO NUDITY IN THIS MOVIE.

This is the closest we get

and that's just not right. For an 80's horror movie it's criminal not to have any nudity. I mean, I would sit through censored for TV versions of these kinds of flicks on USA's Up All Night simply because even just knowing there's nudity is enough sometimes and Uninvited really robs us on the boob front.

But don't let the lack of nudity stop you from watching Uninvited. It's a modern day fable that teaches us a lot of lessons. One is to never get on a boat with a female captain. They will deviate off course more than they deviate from decisions. Women should not "have the right to change their minds" when it comes to everyone's personal safety. The biggest lesson is to never trust a cat. They have a history of not giving a fuck that goes back millions of years. If you have a cat in the room as you read this, look over at it. Looking into it's eyes is like staring up into the night sky trying to decipher some kind of great truth. In the end you're just creating meaning where there isn't any and wasting your time. It's cold, lifeless, and could give a fuck whether you live or die.

I invite you to watch a short collection of scenes here

or download the whole damn thing at Cinemageddon (the unofficial torrent site of Film Buf) here.