James Comey Fired as FBI Director; Jared Kushner to Take Over

May 9, 2017

Chuck Servative and Hugh Jass

WASHINGTON - Earlier today, Donald Trump sent a letter to the now former FBI Director, James Comey, relieving him of his duties. The Donald, who always has a plan, has appointed Jared Kushner, his son in law, to be the new director.

"Today, we booted Useless Jim from his job as The Big Guy at the FBI. The guy did NOTHING to put Crooked Hillary in prison when we all know she's a very bad lady. Sad!" read Trump's Twitter account.

Current counselor to Donald Trump and human personification of a decayed porch infested with stray cats, Kellyanne Conway, addressed Anderson Cooper of CNN to discuss this new development.

"The president has determined on his own whim after being given a whim by Attorney General, Jeff Sessions, that it is not in his best interest, or rather, the Great America's best interest, that Useless Jim remain head of the FBI. However, I do come bearing exciting news for you Andy (Cooper). After many minutes of meditation, the president has decided that he already knows the best candidate to replace Useless Jim."

"Jared Kushner will be heading the FBI in addition to his duties that the president has already assigned to him which include:

being a presidential advisor

reinventing the VA

developing the workforce

solving the opioid epidemic

serving as the point of contact for over 20 countries

brokering peace in the Middle East, tasting the president's meals for poison

monitoring the thermostat in the White House

making sure Ivanka is home by 9:00 P.M.

collaborating with Blue Apron to include Trump Steaks in all their recipes

re-branding the Washington Redskins as the Washington Orangeskins

calling into the Washington Journal program on CSPAN and confirming the large size of the president's hands

changing Andrew Jackson's death date on his Wikipedia page

licking the envelopes on all White House outgoing mail

replaying the daily Fox and Friends episode on all White House televisions

reminding the president to end all Grindr messages to Putin with an eggplant emoji

and standing in for any diplomatic dick pics."

James Comey attempted to contact MSNBC to make a televised statement, however, the network declined due to an unspecified "silent treatment" agreement arranged by former democratic candidate, Hillary Clinton. Comey then settled for a TMZ interview in which he also had to list his "5 MUST-HAVE DRINKS AFTER BEING SACKED."

Sources say that Donald Trump has mulled renaming the "Director" position as "Prince of the United States." This would allow for easier communication between Jared Kushner and foreign governments as "Director of the Federal Bureau of Investigation" is more complex than the simply worded title of "Great Prince of the USA."

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