Ahem. Some of you may be wondering why I’m betraying my usually calm, professorial demeanor to enjoy the spoils of my victory. The truth is, the last 15 years of my political life have been what we in the business call a “long con.” And this election was the last step to ultimate power. You’ve just been punk’d, America.

I won’t get into the details of how I robbed, killed, and f***ed my way to the top since I joined the Illinois State Senate in 1997. Suffice to say that it involved a number of ancient, ominous prophecies coming true. I also won’t go into the deft political and military maneuvers that were required to maintain my deceptions. The main thing you need to know is that the conspiracy theorists were on the right track, but got some important details wrong. I am not a Socialist, I just find your human concept of money amusing. I wasn’t born in Kenya, I emerged fully-formed from a lava pit in Hawaii. And I am not a Muslim, as my God is an omnipresent dark force, steadily consuming the multiverse. You guys were totally right about the death panel thing, though. We’re starting that up on Thursday.

I must say, this is a glorious evening. I’ve never felt closer to being alive. Ever since the stormy night I climbed shrieking out of that lava pit, I have dreamed of ruling this Earth with immutable power. And now that I am in my second term, I have reached that dream. The next four years, I will be virtually unimpeachable, as long as I don’t sleep with a White House intern. And trust me, that won’t happen any time soon—I haven’t even looked at another woman since Michelle’s powers started mutating faster than mine.

Well, it’s about time I end this speech. I suggest all Americans who wish to survive through the night retire to their homesteads within the hour. The moon will soon be turning a deep crimson red, and all carbon-based life forms would be sorely remiss to gaze upon its vengeful face.