Saturday, January 23, 2010

One Night

Jacob has two hemotoma's on his head where fluid and blood has accumulated from unexpectedly showing up in the posterior (face up) position when he was born and getting stuck on my pelvic bones. This condition also leaves him jaundiced as his liver works harder. I called the midwife to come check his swelling head Thursday evening and she said it was still in the range of normal but to keep an eye on this, the jaundice and the fluid he was trying to get out of his lungs, which remained as a result of his quick birth.

This was a lot of things to "keep an eye on".

So, I did. For nine straight hours.

From 11 pm to 7 am Thursday evening Jacob and I lay on the couch by the fire.

I got to know my son.

For nine straight hours I studied every tiny, perfect (albeit swollen) part of him. The little wrinkles on his toes, the dimple in his chin, the way he pouts his full lips as he sleeps. Imprinting these newborn details into my mind and heart.

This tiny person was just a sensation of flutters and jabs, an accumulation of dreams and hopes only a few hours earlier. Now he layed in my arms.

You are my son.

I am your Mother.

You are my son.

I am your Mother.

The weight of this new reality sank in as the minutes turned into hours.

My exhaustion turned to elation, into joy; into adoration...into Love.

Each little movement, expression and reflex melted my heart as he showed more of himself to me. I could, once I was so attuned to him, sense the sweetness of him. He was so calm and at peace in my arms.

He stirred suddenly and jerked himself into my chest, gasping as he came out of deep sleep Jacob caught my scent and immediately relaxed again. He knew me.

The intensity of my feelings for him continued to grow and before long I couldn't remember being a Mother without him.

We watched the sun rise and marked the 24Th hour of his life with a new day and a sealed bond.

3 comments:

Oh Jenn...this is so beautifully written. I remember those feelngs so vividly the first time...although, the first time they were also paired with fear. Your post makes me soooo excited to meet my new addition too! Congrats on Jacob....he's sooooooo perfect :) And I'm glad Ben loves him so much!!