Have you ever had the experience of getting to know someone better after they had died? That’s happened to me a couple of times.

The first time was when someone I hardly knew suddenly passed away. He was a friend of a friend and I had only met him one time, but we seemed to have an immediate connection. The day after he died, I was daydreaming… doing some kind of chore in the kitchen when I sensed the presence of this new acquaintance. He was like hanging out with me, cross-legged on my kitchen counter, He had a warm and gentle presence, but powerful. He wanted me to tell our mutual friend that it wasn’t our friend’s fault. I asked him, “Why me? Why don’t you tell him yourself?” and he answered that our friend would not believe it was really him. He wanted me to tell our friend that it was okay… it wasn’t his fault. Of course I did the best I could to communicate that to my living friend.

My new deceased friend stayed connected to me for a while. He taught me a lot about continuing a connection and a friendship from the “other” side… and to even grow in love and understanding. He faded away from my conscious awareness after our mutual friend finally got his message about forgiving himself (or was it me?).

Losing a loved one… whether through death, divorce, estrangement…. is inevitable. We are going to be physically separated sooner or later. We are going to endure heartbreaking disconnects and estrangements. But we never lose our heart connections. And reconciliation and reunion are inevitable in the long run.

The best song I’ve ever heard about cherishing the love connection even beyond death is the theme from the movie “My Heart Will Go On” by James Horner. I had to rehearse that song about 50 times before I could sing it in public without crying… that’s how it touches my heart because it recognizes the truth – “My heart will go on and on…”

Yes, we can stay connected to loved ones by keeping our hearts open in expectation of the miracle. We can open our hearts wherever we are….

I had a mama… and when we laid her down to rest,
I went wandering around, looking for her, I guess.
Then I heard a whisper. She said, “Honey, whatcha looking for?
I’ve been here all along… knocking at your door. You can…

Open Your Heart… wherever you are.
Love’s the same though we have changed,
And we’re together though apart.
Open Your Heart.

I had a vision… where all my dreams had come true.
We were all for One and One for All with You.
Keep on believing… that the best is yet to come.
And walk hand in hand with a Heart that carries on.
You can…

Open Your Heart… wherever you are.
Love’s the same though we have changed,
And we’re together though apart.
Open Your Heart.

Now I’ll be leaving… I’m leaving friends and family,
The home I love, my whole life history.
But I’m not grieving… ‘cause I’ll never be far away
I’m connected to the hearts of the ones who’ve heard me say…
You can…

Open Your Heart… wherever you are.
Love’s the same though we have changed,
And we’re together though apart.
Open Your Heart… wherever you are.
Love’s the same though we have changed,
And we’re together though apart.
Open Your Heart!

But I was a better mother to my daughter than my mother was to me. My mother was a better mother to me than her mother was to her. And my daughter will be a better mother to her daughter than I was to her. It seems that as we evolve, each generation is better at parenting than the last.

Hopefully, we are contributing to the betterment of civilization as a whole by our generational evolution within our families.

Let us forgive the ones that made mistakes before our all-knowingness came to rule our worlds.

Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about my mother. Maybe it’s because I’m quickly approaching the age my mother was when she left this earth. Mortality tends to cause a daughter to be reflective… and long for her mother.

My mother was a better grandmother than she was a mother. I’m glad she had the chance to redeem herself that way. She knew how much I loved her. We spent a lot of one-on-one time together towards the end of her life, so we reached a peaceful understanding despite so many years of silly misunderstandings.

In the final analysis… all was forgiven (on both of our parts) and we were able to relate to one another as fragile, vulnerable, but kind human beings who loved one another despite our errors and misguided attempts to control one another and persuade each other to our way of thinking. In the final analysis… it didn’t matter. What mattered was being present for one another towards the end, and showing each other little kindnesses to help make the way a little softer and easier.

I may not have been the best mother in my child’s eyes (or in my own eyes for that matter), but there is great comfort in knowing that I was a good daughter.

Forgive Your Mother by Iyanla Vanzant

Forgive your mother! Forgive her not for the things she has done or not done or for the things she said or has not said. Forgive her because it is the only way to open your heart to self-forgiveness. Forgive her not because you don’t have a right to be upset about the way she has handled some things in her life and in your life. Forgive her not because she was right in making you feel wrong, or because she was wrong when she failed to acknowledge that you were right. Forgive your mother because until you do, there will always be a void in your heart.

Forgive your mother for the many, many times she was not the mother you wanted her to be. Forgive her for the times she did not do things the way you needed them done. Forgive your mother for not protecting you or speaking out in your behalf. Forgive her for not guiding you in the right direction and for the times she totally lost her direction, dragging you along with her. Forgive your mother for demanding things from you that she could not provide for you or for herself. Forgive your mother whether or not she did anything wrong or bad to you. Forgive her not because you are excusing whatever she did or however it affected you. Forgive your mother because holding judgments against her has a devastating impact on your soul. The judgments you hold will eventually break your heart. Forgive your mother because the truth is, she did the best she could whether you would like to believe it or not. You may have been harboring judgments or negative opinions about your mother and the way she did or did not mother you.

Just for today, forgive yourself for judging your mother. Once you do, there will be nothing left to forgive her for.