**Your true character is revealed, not by how you act when you got it all together, but how you act when the bottom falls out**

It’s sad to read how so many people endorse such anger when they are faced with grief… there are many different ways that people grieve. And there are so many different reason for grief. And I totally get that everyone grieves differently, I totally understand that. But to be so hateful and speak such hateful words… it makes me cringe. There are so many writers, bloggers and people with influence that had the opportunity to speak life into so many people. But instead they use their platform to speak of such anger and hatred. And it’s sad that there are people who are so vulnerable and need someone to just understand how they feel or what they are going through, and the first person they see is the one that is angry just like them…. but who also believes that it is God to blame. Or even worse… that damn Him for the life they are living. It’s a shame….

To be honest, I really don’t like the statement, “everything happens for a reason”. I used to say it ALL THE TIME. But I don’t anymore. that statement bothers me. Not because I don’t believe it, but because God is still in the process of revealing what the reason for all of this is. I don’t know why we keep going through all of this. I don’t know why life is so hard. I don’t know why He chose us to have to endure so much for so long. But like my husband says, its not our place to ask. All we have to do is trust in God’s plan.

But it breaks my heart to see how people rise from their grief by discounting all that God has done. I understand being angry about what you are going through. Trust me, the Lord and I have had some heated arguments and conversations. I have yelled at Him and hated Him for what He was doing to my son, to our family. I felt like I was SO faithful, WHY do we have to go through such pain?!?! I have been there. But one thing I would never do, is stop praising Him for all His goodness. The miracles He has given and the miracles He continues to reveal. And then there is the ultimate revelation… Matthew’s transplant and the life the Lord has planned for Matthew. It’s been an incredible journey.

We are currently in the midst of God’s plan playing out. Some days when it gets too hard, I have to just “Be Still.” And when I get the strength to take a step back and away from the chaos, I get to see how our life is just playing out the way it needs to. I see that God places certain people in our path, He puts us in places that we need to be in. He introduces us to new people that I know will either disappear after their purpose is complete or who will stay in our lives forever.

I have been angry about our life. I have been angry at people for not understanding what we go through… for not seeing that your stupid “it’ll be okay” comment is just ridiculous. Don’t tell me it is going to be okay when there is a machine that was currently breathing for my son and keeping his heart beating. Don’t tell me “it will be okay”!!

I have been at angry for people saying “Everything happens for a reason.” Can someone please explain what the reason is that we have had to live the way we are living?? Can someone tell me please, because there are days I just don’t understand. All I can do is TRUST in HIS PLAN. And there are so many days that I am just tired of waiting…

I have been angry at my family, my friends, my church, my kids, my husband, myself and even my son. It’s okay. It’s okay to be angry. We have that right. It is part of our human nature to be angry when things go bad or things go wrong. It’s okay to be angry for hours, days, weeks and sometimes even months. Some people are even angry for years. I have been on the receiving end of that. lol

But one thing we can’t do is allow this anger to turn to hatred. We can’t allow this anger to take over our lives and ruin the only relationship we NEED… our relationship with Christ. He understands our human emotions sometimes are too much for us to handle and we lash out and say things and think things and do things that we normally would not do just because we are angry. He understands that we are flesh full of emotions. But the relationship we have with Him is the most precious relationship we will ever have and ever need.

We can’t allow this anger to cloud our vision so badly that we deny Him His Glory. He has done so much and gotten us through so much and brought us so far… I thank God for giving us the strength to have made it this far and this long. He is the Almighty and All Powerful… He has given us all the opportunity to witness such amazing miracles.

On days when doctors told us to hold our son for the last time… God’s Hand was upon us. It wasn’t in His plan. God is the one that says when… and it wasn’t our sons time. He wanted to show us His miracles. He blessed us as witnesses to see how powerful He is.

On days that I am so fed up with our lives, and so tired of doctors appointments, treatments, infusions and therapy sessions… I have to be proactive in reminding myself that we have come a long way. I know that there are days, like this entire past week, that I am just so tired… Lord, please, let me just take a deep breath…

Our son, our daughter, our kids, our family… they have all come a very long way. And I have to acknowledge the work He continues to do and all that HE WILL do. We still have about three more surgeries left for Matthew. And through the anger, the tears, the worry… I turn to Him for PEACE and STRENGTH.