Friday, March 30, 2012

The Frights that tells you you're six months away from the real Frights.

OFFICIAL FRIGHTS

Where F is passing.

The Carpenter (1988) - Code Red just put this out on DVD. What's the alternative? Not watch it? That "5 Day Rental" sticker makes me wish I was getting it from an actual rental store so I could be like, "No need for the five days, ma'am. I'll be watching this as soon as I get home."

The Carrier (1988) - I saw an old-ass preview for this a while back on some other movie. Looked like a weird 80s video ripoff of George Romero's 70s cheapo The Crazies. So I made a few calls.

Demon Wind (1990) - This had a hologram on the video box, which is pretty much the kiss of death. Like that box for The Dead Pit with red eyeballs that lit up when you pressed a button -- that movie sucked. Anyway, that cartoon monster coming through the window was enough to scare away young me even though the actual creature in the film is made out of a Nerf football decorated with magic markers. Also, 1990? Ouch.

Premutos: The Fallen Angel (1999) - The return of Frights' new favorite filmmaker, Olaf Ittenbach! I actually pre-screened this (a breach of Frights protocol) to see if Olaf could possibly deliver on the insane promise of the mighty Burning Moon. It's 80 some minutes of boring, unfunny people-sitting-around type shit and then a 20 minute explosion of crazy nonstop gore. Basically a good news/good news situation. ***Emily's Pick. ***Justin's Pick. ***James' Pick. ***Olive's Pick.

A Return to Salem's Lot (1987) - Once, when I was really young and watched Short Circuit on HBO, the announcer voice was like, "Next...on HBO...you are about to get your balls scared off by...A Return to Salem's Lot." And my mom was like, "Give me the remote, there's no way you're watching this." Ever since, I've always assumed it was something like a Faces of Death movie with real footage of people getting killed. But I looked at some screenshots just now and it seems roughly as disturbing as a haunted house I put on in my basement when I was five.

OLD SCHOOL SLASHERS

Do you how many 80s slashers Frights has shown? Practically millions. Point is, it took us hard work to get to the bottom, but here we are. Enjoy it.

Killer Party (1986) - The party takes place on April Fool's Day. That more than makes up for the fact that this film is considered the dregs of the 80s slasher cycle. Even turds like Final Exam and Prom Night beat it up and take its lunch money. ***Melissa's Pick.

Night School (1981) - I don't like this poster art's attitude, how it's like, "I may be a bloody slasher film OR I may be some psychological type shit for the fancy set." Who the fuck let this movie in here?

SARAH FRIGHTS

This section is where we show some Disney channel b.s. so Sarah can actually participate in a Frights without crying and wanting to move out.

Pin aka "Peen" (1988) - This film is legendary for a being one of Sarah's favorite horror movies even though she's only seen approximately one third of it. And even though it's not any good. It involves Terry O'Quinn (The Stepfather) doing ventriloquism with a "transparent man" medical doll to tell his dorky kids about how their wieners work or some such shit. Then the kids grow up and treat the doll like a real person. It's Canadian and "psychological" in a take-a-nap kind of way.

MIND MELTERS

Everyone's favorite section, the one where the films leak juice on your brain.

Sledge Hammer (1983) - This DVD has been sitting on my shelf taunting me, waiting for April to come for months now. I goddamn blind-bought the thing so we could watch it in Frights. What are the chances I'm gonna regret that? Infinity? Plot appears to involve a killer with a hammer, but also a ghost I think. And also, nonsense and smeary video.

Things (1989) - Things has appeared on more Frights lineups than any other film. Last October, we actually started watching it. It was a disaster. A riot broke out after ten minutes and we had to shut the film down. There were widespread cries of, "The images don't connect to each other in any way," and, "I can't be in the room with this." This time, the whole thing gets watched. If I have to do it alone, so be it.

PREMIERES

Emily will keep rejecting the randomly drawn film of the night until one of these comes up. Then she will ask the runtime.

Creature - Remember how we kept seeing this preview in theaters and it looked like some Sci-Fi Channel shit? Me too.

The Sleeper - I was shown that poster and promised practical effects and nudity. We signed the papers right then and there.

The Theatre Bizarre - Since we have a special side entrance in this place for anthologies, I didn't even get to frisk this bad boy. It just came right in.