Observations By Mr. Dooley eBook

“‘Th’ autymobill season has opened
in deadly earnest. Manny new machines is seen
daily an’ wan iv th’ delights iv th’
summer colony is to go out iv an avenin’ an’
see th’ farmers iv th’ neighborhood pluckin’
their horses fr’m th’ top branches iv threes.
Th’ younger Hankerbilt has atthracted much
attintion be his acc’rate ridin’.
Th’ other day he made a scoor iv eight fr’m
a runnin’ start in tin minyits an’ this
in spite iv th’ fact that he was obliged to
come back to th’ last wan, a Swede named Olson,
an’ bump him over again.

“‘Misther Graball, th’ Muskegon
millionaire who got into s’ciety las’
year be dyin’ his hair green an’ givin’
a dinner at which all th’ guests rayceived a
lumber mill as sooveneers, has returned suddenly fr’m
th’ West an’ his house party is over.’

“’Little Aigrette Vandycooker has a tooth,
her elder sister a markess, an’ her mother a
siparation.’

“Gin’rally we lade a life iv quite an’
iligant luxury. Wud ye like a line on me daily
routine? Well, in th’ mornin’ a little
spin in me fifty-horse power ‘Suffer-little-childher,’
in th’ afthernoon a whirl over th’ green
wathers iv th’ bay in me goold-an’-ivory
yacht, in th’ avenin’ dinner with a monkey
or something akelly as good, at night a few leads
out iv th’ wrong hand, some hasty wurruds an’
so to bed. Such is th’ spoortin’
life in Rhode Island, th’ home iv Roger Williams
an’ others not so much. It grows tiresome
afther awhile. I confess to ye, Algernon Hinnissy,
that befure th’ monkey was inthrajooced, I was
sufferin’ fr’m what Hogan calls onwee,
which is th’ same thing as ingrowin’ money.
I had got tired iv puttin’ new storeys on me
cottage an’ ridin’ up in th’ ilivator
fr’m th’ settin’ room on th’
eighth flure to th’ dinin’ room on th’
twinty-ninth, I didn’t care about ayether thrap-shootin’
or autymobillin’, I felt like givin’ a
cawrnation dinner to th’ poor iv th’ village
an’ feedin’ thim me polo ponies, I didn’t
care whether th’ champagne bar’ls was
kept iced, whether th’ yacht was as long as th’
wan ownded be th’ Ginger Snap king nex’
dure, whether I had three or tin millyon dollars in
me pants pocket in th’ mornin’ or whether
th’ Poles in th’ coal mine was sthrikin’
f’r wan dollar an’ forty-siven or wan
dollar an’ forty-eight cints a day. I was
tired iv ivrything. Life had me be th’
throat, th’ black dog was on me back. I
felt like suicide or wurruk. Thin come th’
bright idee iv me young frind an’ th’
monkey saved me. He give me something to live
f’r. Perhaps we too may be monkeys some
day an’ be amusin’. We don’t
talk half as loud or look half as foolish or get dhrunk
half as quick, but give us a chanst. We’re
a young people an’ th’ monkeys is an old,
old race. They’ve been Newportin’
f’r cinchries. Sure that ol’ la-ad
who said man was descinded fr’m monkeys knew
what he was talkin’ about. Descinded,
but how far?