BIZNZ CARDZ

This is now the third desk-job I’ve had which has sprung for business cards on my behalf, and if the past is precedent, the fate of these crisp, white rectangles is already sealed: I will place them in my desk drawer and never see or interact with them again until the day I leave the job, at which time I will wonder if I should keep them around for posterity, and then wisely toss them in the garbage on my way to the subway.

The only variation in this symphony of pointlessness has been my business cards at LimeWire, which I once accidentally and not on purpose parlayed into free shots at a bar called Cherry Tree in Brooklyn. Despite the plainly-stated job title printed thereupon (“Customer Support Representative”), the chap tending bar that night evidently thought that I had some manner of high-level access to the goings-on at LimeWire, and that he might be able to partner with me on some “music and sponsorship deals” he had “going on.” This is even more hilarious in retrospect, because the high-level goings-on at LimeWire at that particular time consisted not of negotiating “music and sponsorship deals” with bartenders, but rather frantically running around the office screaming “WE’RE GOING DOWN IN FLAMES! IT’S ALL OVER—OH GOD IT’S ALL COMING TO AN END!”

Rather than share this reality with the bartender, I elected to instead welcome his trayfulls of vodkariffic concoctions to the table occupied by my friends and I, and assured him that if he emailed me I would see what I could do. It worked out great because he never emailed me, and my friends and I got all shmaptied up for zero dollars.

However, then LimeWire went out of business and I lost my job. BUT THEN: I got a new job at Lot18, and they also gave me business cards, which I also didn’t use for anything except apparently if I had been so inclined I could’ve gone to a winery and probably gotten a free tasting by showing it to the head winos, or at least this is what my co-worker claimed. But then I quit that job for this job, and now there are more business cards, and anyway that’s about what I have to say about THIS WHOLE BUSINESS CARD THING.