Positive thoughts on my life.

07/09/2018

I went shooping the other day with my son, Max. I usually don't buy anything but the necessities. I used to enjoy decorating and buying little trickets to make our home beautiful and fun but I have't done that for quite a long time. After Kevin died and I moved, stuff like that just seemed silly and pointless so I stopped doing it. I minimised and got rid of so much stuff. It was just junk cluttering my mind and my life. I let my girlfriends come up to my house with their trucks and take whatever they wanted and I kept the bare minimum and moved. I thought nothing of it. I just resettled into a different house with just the right amount of crap to function. In this house, the kids come to visit but I doubt it feels like home.....not the way the old house did. I've changed. They've changed. Everything has changed to a new normal.....which I doubt will ever feel like normal to anyone involved. One thing I noticed while I was shopping the other day was I saw this little flower pot thing with a fake flower in it. It was pretty and I picked it up and thought "this would be cute sitting on the table" . And then I saw some throw pillows and I wanted to buy all of them so the living room would have some fun colors and life in it. That's one thing about throw pillows.....it means people are around and need a place to lay their head. I put all that shit back and didn't buy any of it. But I did leave that shopping trip feeling relieved that maybe there was a little part of me coming back who wanted to make this house a home once again and it felt good. I think with the vision of my up and coming career I feel a sense of empowerment that I haven't felt for awhile......and a lot of hope! The tree guy is coming to clear that stupid tree out of the backyard this week. I'm so excited I can barely stand it. I keep wondering what the backyard will look like all cleaned up! I hope it is as wonderful as I imagine it is going to be!! And Greg is coming this weekend. He always likes it when I have some chores for him to do......so I asked him if he could trim the bushes for me and he said said yes. The flower beds are all overgrown and I asked him if he would help me put some mulch down and he said yes to that too. He's so good at helping out even when our visits are short. So, I had some incentive to get up this morning and start clearing them out so they would be ready.

I had been walking by that all summer thinking about how badly I needed to weed it. But I would walk right past it and come in the house and start stewing over a million other things..... like all the possibilities of what could go wrong....all the horrible ways that different scenerios would end....and basically just wonder about life and the future.....while doing laundry and other mindless tasks. I think calling that tree guy has really motivated me in all other areas of my life. It was so simple. You know what else I haven't been doing this summer in lieu of fretting? That would would be cooking and going to the grocery store. I hit a all time low in that department last week when Sam asked if he could borrow my car and take my debit card to the store and buy some food. Of course, I said yes and he came home with 167 dollars worth groceries.....including apples and fruit and basics. He didn't even really buy any crap food. I had been slacking and totally uninterested in eating so I assumed he was too..... but evidently not.

so anyway back to the flower beds...... I woke up this morning and set a timer for one hour which is one way I motivate myself to start on a task that I really don't want to do.......and went outside and started pulling weeds and bagging up leaves. I finished the front.....

1 hour turned into 2 hours then I moved to the backyard and got out a shovel and moved some plants around, pulled more weeds and before I knew it, 5 hours had elapsed and I was one dirty gal who accomplished a whole summers worth of digging in one morning and I felt amazing.....even though I was sweating like a pig.....and I know pigs don't sweat but it's whatever. I was sweating and loving it! I also got a few scrapes on my legs.....

Maybe when I go to buy the mulch I will buy a could little colorful somethings to spruce things up a bit.....make things pretty....full of life and happiness! maybe I will pick up some solar lights and something blooming....you know, a flower that has actually been watered this summer...

It's never to late to start and get with the program. Putting things off just makes things harder and sweatier. So I am happy with the way my life is progressing....even with the late start! It's a beautiful day and I worked hard and never really thought about a thing which is always nice. It's amazing to me how many people I talk to who have anxiety. I'm hoping tonight, I just fall fast asleep when my head hits the pillow. Tossing and turning and thinking about things things that you have no power over sucks......but I think all that is nothing that a little hard work and some advil can't cure. What about you? Do you have a project you've been putting off? Try setting a timer for an hour or even 30 minutes and just start for that amount of time! It helps! and makes you feel real good..... inside and out! Who knows.....next time I go shopping, I may just buy that trinket for the house....we have been here 6 years....I think it's time!

07/02/2018

Last September I had a kid come cut down a huge tree in my backyard. It had a split in it and I kept worrying about it falling over on the house so I made a deal with a kid to cut it down in exchange for a riding lawn mower that had been sitting in my garage. I assumed it worked. Evidently the tree was much bigger than the kid expected since it took him 3 days to cut it down. I felt sorry for him. I don't think the lawnmower worked when he eventually took it home so the whole deal was a pretty crappy for him....although I think he enjoyed doing it..... so that's worth something! When he was done cutting the tree down, I assumed he'd come back and cut down the stump and clean up the yard....although we never talked about that. In life, communication is key and you have to lay down expectations in a deal from the beginning or you will always be dissappointed. Since we never really discussed what "will you cut down the tree?" would involve, I've been patiently waiting for him to come back and cut down the stump...which is now growing into a bush. I don't think he's coming back. I've been walking through that backyard wishing that tree away since September.....

It's an eyesore and I hate it. It's really hard to mow around and as you can tell, I haven't mowed it for several weeks. I didn't really care until I went to Amys. She gets things done. She knows what she wants. Every year she plans a project and she accomplishes it. Last year, she made a headboard for her bed. The year before that, she put new flooring in her upstairs....like the whole upstairs and the stairway. This year, she had rock hauled in and build a flower bed around her porch. She has a delightful porch.

You can't see it but around the outside or the porch is a beautiful rock wall that Amy laid all by herself picking each stone to lay flat on the next until she made a 2 foot wall surrounding her porch. She planted probably like 12 bushes in there.....and she will sit and drink wine and watch them grow and have something beautiful to look at and be proud of. She told me she does a project once a year in the summer to challenge herself and she can enjoy the fruits of her labor. I like that. I feet that way when I go to Nancys, too. She gets shit done. She has a beautiful backyard and I think she enjoys working in it, I love that. blooming flowers everywhere. It's so pretty and pleasant. As I was driving home on my road trip, I kept thinking about that ugly ass eyesore of a tree in my backyard and resolved to get it taken care off ASAP.

I, also, came home to this.....and wondered what exactly my problem is.....

Those are the geraniums I bought and set on my porch to plant.... They have been sitting there for weeks. I had so many hopes for this summer. On my my bucket list , I had....plant sunflowers....plant a bed of asters....re-woodchip the flower beds. I wanted the backyard to be beautiful. I love geraniums because they are so low maintenance yet pretty. So I bought some red ones and some white ones and had every intention of planting them in pots and putting them where I always put the geraniums...in the flower bed by that stupid tree. I guess I've been patiently waiting for that tree to remove itself. Patiently waiting for someone else to save the backyard and get that tree out of there.... so that i coud start my projects. The fact is I could have started my project while that tree was there. It's funny how the days fly by when you are waiting and days turn into weeks and then a month has gone by and no progress. And then one day, you just can't take it anymore....and want to kick your own ass....for being so damned patient...or lazy ... And now, that tree has turned into "that fucking tree" and I can't wait to get it out of the yard. I figure if Amy can build a wall, I can make a phone call to a profeesional service and have them come get it. I called a guy today and he is coming by Friday to give me an estimate. I have no clue why I didn't do that 6 months ago. I decided to go ahead and plant my geraniums...that have patiently been waiting on me.....on death's door but still hanging on.

I threw on Sam's boots...which had been laying in the middle of the floor since I got home Saturday night. I had been patiently waiting for him to pick them up. I was hoping after watching me kick them out of my way for two days, he'd see that HIS boots were in the way and pick them up himself...but no! So I picked them up and put them on....

....and I went outside and got out the potting soil and plucked all the dead shit off off those plants and put them in pots and gave some them some water and attention that they needed so badly.....

They look better and I feel accomplished for finally planting them. I just thought...have I been being patient? or neglectful? or lazy? Do I use the big things in life to keep me from nurturing the small things that need my attention too? That huge tree was a project that was a long time coming. It hasn't gone as planned. I mean, who leaves a giant tree laying in their backyard for almost a full year??...it's been 10 months! Maybe it hasn't gone as planned because I didn't have a plan in the first place. Maybe I made assumptions that the kids was on the same page as me when he actually wasn't. The dictionary says patience is "the capacity to accept or tolerate delay, trouble, or suffering without getting angry or upset" I've done pretty good with that so far. I hate being upset. Don't you? But sometimes, you have deal with the situation or you just end up pissed with a ugly stump that's grown into a bush and that is no fun. I'm in panick now.....my patience has expired. The book of Proverbs says patience is a virtue. I would agree with that but it's also not an excuse to not deal with something intolerable. I do that. I'm patient to an extreme probably because I want everyone to be happy. But shit. Now I'm pissed and it's about me now so that's when I make things happen. That guy better actually shows up on Friday.....or I'm gonna have to go buy a chainsaw and do it myself....and I don't think chainsaws and high emotions are a good thing. But at least I have the steel toed boots and i think Sam's work gloves are laying around here somewhere too . In the mean time, does anyone need any firewood?? I have plenty and am willing to share! Campfires are fun...and so are s'mores and laughs and good friends which come with them. Come and get it!!

07/01/2018

One great thing about my life right now is I have the ability to be spontaneous. It's really quite nice and probably something I take for granted. Every new year, I make a bucket list of all the things I want to do. Spending time with my friend Amy is always at the top of the list. Thankfully, we seem to be able to make that happen at least once. Last week, I texted her and said, "when are we gonna kayak this year?" She said she was starting a new job on Monday but she had time on Friday if that could work. I thought, "well, that's in 2 days" but then I thought,"WTH. I don't have anything else going on." So I said, " I can make it!!" So I packed a bag

and set off on a little ruckus raising adventure. I'm always kind of proud of myself that I'm not scared to hop in the car and go. I'm confident in my driving skills and I really don't mind being by myself plus my itunes kicks ass so It's a win-win situation all the way around. There is nothing more liberating than speeding down the highway with the music cranked knowing that good friends and adventure are awaiting you! I love a good friend who knows everything about you and still loves you. Amy has been one of my favorite people in the whole wide world since I was 14 so....that's 41 years of friendship....what a treasure. You have to take time to enjoy those treasures while they are available because one day...you know...they could be gone. No regrets, People!!! She planned a 8 mile kayak float and her family came too.....since I was going. It's nice to be loved and have people who think you are fun and want to spend time with you. There were 4 of us playing in the sun and the water all day and it was good! Amy and I also had some wonderful talks. Sometimes just gaining a different perspective on life can be so rewarding! It's nice to have someone tell you, "You got this girl! I believe in you!" and it's also nice to be able to tell them that right back because they are kicking ass at life and you know everything they touch will turn to gold despite their fears. We all have fears, don't we?

It's easier to deal with them when you can voice them outloud......things are always scarier in the dark.....so I left feeling empowered. That's what good women do for each other. I'm thankful for all the good women in my life! I'm very fortunate to have several! I'm also thankful I threw caution to the wind and jumped in my car. I was feeling frustrated and antsy and my overthinking was driving me nuts.....kind of like this traffic jam I found myself stuck in....

As I sat there, I thought, you know, that's a lot like the way life is. Sometimes you just feel stuck....whether like actually physically stuck in the spot or trapped in your mind....which is usually the route I take. I sat in that line of cars for quite awhile and I didn't even get frustrated. I just thought,"ok. so we are at a standstill at the moment" and I realized that I only had control of my car. I couldn't make the other cars move faster so I moseyed along in that line of traffic and before long, the jam cleared and the cars picked up speed and we were once again cruising and it was a beautiful thing....kind of like life itself. Today, I am taking steps to move my life along....I am tweeking my resume and filling out a job application and I have hope that in the near future I will be gainfully employed and all the fears I have had will have been for naught. Sometimes, you just have to "be still and know" that there is an opening ahead and blue skies are on the horizon. That's how a little spontaneity worked for me this weekend! I got a whole new perspective going on over here. It's good. I figure if I can jump in my car and drive 200 miles solo, physically challenge my body with an 8 mile kayak trip, and open my mind to a new perspective, I can do anything. It's a really good feeling!!

06/25/2018

So... I created a command central station in the sunroom off my bedroom.

I've been sitting out there more than I ever have since moving into this house 6 years ago. I like to sit in the orange chair and read my Bible and pray to God to draw me near and protect my children and parents and friends. I just open my Bible and see what He has to say to me and I'm encouraged. The other day I was texting with my sister in law and a verse came to me to share with her. I decided to claim it for myself too. Isn't it a wonderful promise??

I think if you open your eyes and ears....and heart, God does talk to you. Through most of my adult life, my faith has sustained me and kept me sane. I was thinking the other day that I don't shout that from the rooftops and most people probably don't know that about me....which is disheartening that I'm not more bold in my testimony. The Bible says to work out your own salvation with fear and trembling so that is what I am trying to do....and I'm selfish so I'm taking advantage of all his promises. I probably wouldn't be interested if there wasn't something in it for me.....that sounds horribly effed up but I'm human and it's the truth. Maybe some day I will grow in spiritual maturity and I will be able to see beyond myself. I've been utilizing the sunroom a lot lately and I love it out there. I finished my last class in the massage therapy program last week. No more tests. No more research papers. I have loved learning about the human body. I've loved going to school. It was a good decision....although I have no idea what I am going to do with my license....and that's ok...for now. I have ideas so that is good. Now, I have to put all the information together and take a national board exam. It's pass/fail and you have to be prepared to able to recall anything that has been taught this past year.....anatomy, physiology, kinesiology, pathology, business, ethics, massage techniques. There is so much to know and I feel stupider now than when I started. So I set up command central and plan to make charts and posters and reread everything I have all ready read until it all comes together. I graduate in August and I hope to take the board exam in late September.....so 30 minutes a day of study and focus. I think I can do it!! I love a good challenge. Do you?? I was thinking that this upcoming board exam and putting my education together is happening at this moment for a reason. It makes me think of my life and all I have accomplished. The school of life! I'm not gonna say hard knocks because even though I've had some upsets along the way, the good has far outweighed the setbacks and I probably take for granted just how good and easy my life is on a daily basis. I think about my education starting in high school learning about positive mental attitude...which I am so thankful for the teacher who drilled that concept into my head, my horticulture therapy degree from k-state, my health coaching certificate from the Institute of Integrative Nutrition and now my massage therapy license. I've had life lessons from raising 5 children, a long happy marriage and a death of a spouse. I couldn't have survived without the incredible loving support from amazing friends and family. I've learned things don't always go as planned but there is always a new day and life is good. I'm hoping to bring all my life lessons and education together and make a career that I can be proud of and will allow me to help....even just one person would be a good thing. I'm hoping it all comes together...but as in taking this national board exam, I'm going to have to make an effort to put it together, make a plan and work hard to make it happen. I have some ideas. The good thing is I have time and every day that goes by is one day closer to the good land that has been promised to me. I can feel it. It's exciting!

Sam is enjoying a good land all ready! He has no problem jumping on my table so I can practice.....he likes it!!

As I sit here writing to you, I'm thinking I might be enjoying a glimpse of the good land at the moment.....listening to Alabama....it does feel so right. That's a good thing. I hope you are feeling it too.

04/09/2018

Happy Monday!! I had such a great weekend. Sassypants came and she brought a friend!

He brought a gift for me.....

It's a perk of knowing someone who works for CHANEL.!! I love the fragrance! And the gesture. How sweet! We went to the pub and listened to an 80's cover band. I think I sang out loud every song. Remember 8675309?? OMG it was so fun! The dance floor was packed. When I first walked in my gal friend grabbed me and we got things going...

That band just played one hit after another. It was just so fun. At the end of the night, we took a picture with them......

Emily sent me that picture and I just had to laugh.....because I'm squatting!! Who squats in public?? What about you?? have you started squatting? It actually feels really good on your lower back. Haveyou been out dancing? That feels good on your soul. One thing that I love most about going out is seeing all my friends....the couples.....out having fun. I LOVE a couple who can have fun together. My friend, Mary....the one I was dancing with is married to her best friend Chris. I adore them. My sweet friend, Penny, was there with her best friend and husband Ernie. I Love them. They always let me sit with them. There are so many wonderful long standing couples in this community and they take good care of me.... always making sure that I always feel welcome and never alone. I am truly blessed in that aspect. There was also a table of just girls out having fun...like me and nancy were. They were fun too. So at one point, the band ordered Sassypants ond I up onto the stage to dance during a song. I was like....."WTH??" I wondered how they even knew our names.....but then Emily said she told them all about us at 7 pm.... We went up. It's a small stage I'm surprised we didn't knock over their equipment. One of the band members kept grabbing me and telling...."Your friend...OMG....she's hot!" I told him "Go talk to her and tell her that!!" I don't if he did or not. so, I went to the doctor a few months ago....because you know...I was dying. She said, "What did you like to do as a little girl?? Do that! Do what makes your heart sing!" It''s great advice. When I was younger, I loved to dance. I loved to laugh with my girlfriends. I loved to listen to music and sing and make up dances. I also loved to write...which is probably why I love writing this blog even though I don't have the time to invest in it like I want to. I loved to talk on the phone and make plans and go and do things. In college, I spent many nights playing cards... pitch to be exact. And dancing. And sitting outside in the summer. These days, probably my most favorite thing to do is spend time with Greg, My Boo. He's comfortable. He brings peace to my soul. The last time I was at his house, we made a dinner together which he is fun to cook with. We planted some tomatoes with love What I love about spending time with him are the little things where I can feel our connection. We went on a trip to Oregon last fall. I was thinking about that this weekend. Oregon is a beautiful state. We saw some gorgeous territory. But the most beautiful site I saw on the whole trip was when I got off the airplane and I was riding the escalalator down to meet up with him. There he was at the bottom looking up for me and he smiled and I felt my heart sing. It was a precious mament in my life. I wonder how that moment was for him because I will never forget it. He's coming this weekend for the wedding. I'm sure my heart will be singing all weekend.....and we will hopefully be dancing too!! I wonder if he likes to dance as much as I do? That is something to look forward to. What about you?? If you could do whatever you wanted today, what would make your heart sing??? Do that!! Go ahead!! it's ok!! I will be watching baseball....which is always fun!!

peace and love to you!!

....oh and to Sassypants.....thank you for a great weekend! My heart always sings when I am with YOU, sister!!

04/06/2018

Good Lord.....It's been a whole month since I've been on here. Time really flies, doesn't it?? I'd love to tell you what I have been up to but I don't even know myself. Just living. I guess and thinking. I'm a chronic overthinker. Do you do that?? Just mull things over in your head? putting together every possible scenerio until you can't even think rationally? That's what I do. And then I come to my senses and dream of all the wondertful possibilities of why something would work out. I mean really everything will be OK no matter what the outcome is......in the long run everything works out the way it should. Right? If you don't know what I am talking about....really I don't either but if you are an overthinker like me this will all make sense.....which is so funny and weird. So, at school, I am taking human anatomy 2 and kinesiology. The past few weeks have been a struggle. The information is intriguing and interesting but difficult to learn. I've been bogged down with homework and tests. One thing that creeps me out about learning about the human body is that it makes me realize just how human I am. Our bodies are complicated and amazing vessels. It's truly a miracle....how our bodies work and how we are all the same. I find myself sitting in class totally grossed out in my own skin because I am in fact living in a complex body and at some point it will give out and then I won't have anywhere to live and I wonder what the future holds. I also sit in class and wonder how anyone can not believe in God and his amazing creation that we all are. Sometimes, when I am at the grocery store, I look around and see all the people there and realize we are all beings living in these sacs basically. Literally blobs of bones and muscles and cells.....with brains that think. Honestly I wonder what the meaning of life is quite often and human anatomy class just makes it worse. There has to be more to life than just going through the motions of every day living. There just has to be a greater purpose than buying pickles and watching baseball....even though I do love pickles and baseball. I know the Bible says in 1 Corinthians 13:13 "And now these 3 things remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love." So maybe LOVE is what it is all about. Idk. It's mind blowing. I know a lot of people who do not believe in a higher being and you know? I'm not judging..... But for me.....it's the only thing that makes any sense.....especially after studying human anatomy. And see? now I've totally overthought my way into a state of confusion about the meaning of life. Overthinking. It's a curse. I have found that no matter how much I study for my tests and even though I know most of what is expected of me to know in school that when it comes to test taking, I seem to be able to sit down with confidence at the beginning of the test session but by the end I have second guessed my knowledge and overthought every possible scenerio and talk myself out of an A by changing answers and just basically confusing myself with my own thoughts.....even though I know the right answers to begin with. I do this in other areas of my life too. Instead of going with what I know is true, I talk myself out of reality with thoughts that mess everything up for me. Maybe life is a test, you know? Maybe there are right answers to everything and getting out of your own head and just picking one is the key. We all know whats right for us as individuals. We should know the answers to the test questions life throws at us......it's either A, B or C....it's pretty simple. I was just thinking though that sometimes the answer is D...."all of the above". Sometimes all the options are right and you don't have to figure out which one is MOST correct. See? my friend Sassypants posted on Facebook today " Overthinking leads to negative thoughts" It's true. Overthinking, I think, is a control issue. And when you are not in control, you tend to overthink and look to the negative instead of what is the better option.....which the better option is always the truth....or the correct answer....that which you know is true....for you. Egads. what am I even talking about. This is what happens when I lay down to go to sleep. My mind just goes haywire and I have to play some meditation music and just breathe to calm myslef down. Am I alone here? Are you sitting there thinking WTH is she talking about?? because I am. At the moment I'm feeling a little like Jack Nicholson in the Shining....you know.... a little cray cray. My life was so less chaotic when my kids were all young and I could serve them in a capicity that kept me out of my own head. At least, then I felt like I had a purpose and daily goals of making their life better. Growing older and moving through a life change is difficult. Finding a new normal..... being comfortable.....You know? maybe that's the whole thing...I'm not comfortable in my wisdom.....like when I sit down to take a test I know the correct answers....I know them in life too. Maybe it's a self confidence thing and I'm not realizing my own power. Maybe I don't give myself enough credit. I always tell my kids and anyone who will listen that everything will be OK. Maybe I don't realize that for myself. Maybe I should..... and that in itself makes all this nonsense make sense. It's a great day!! So what does one do when they are in a state of confusion and just basically driving yourself nuts?? Get busy!!! I have so much to do today.....laundry and catch up work for all the things I've neglected to do. I will put on some music and get busy. I've been reading a book called Move Your DNA by Katy Bowman. She talks about how to restore your health through natural movement....daily living activities. She talks about how important it is to squat throughout the day so I have intentionally been squatting

I read there is a study going on about the correlation between squatting and the lower incidence of alzheimer's desease in Asian countries. I guess they squat more. I'm going to see if squatting can reduce overthinking. It's worth a shot! because Man!! that shit is exhausting. Sometimes, I overthink for so long, I have to go to a professional counselor and after a couple of sessions, they always tell me I have my shit together which I find surprising.....but I have to admit it's always nice to hear and totally worth the 40 bucks. Katy also says to go barefoot which is easy to do...... and spend time outside.....it kind of makes me think of camping....one of my all time favorite things to do. I'm going to dream about that today....and clean..... and check everything I have to do off my list....and then study the damn immune system which will lead me back to the human body and what exactly the meaning of life is. That cycle reminds me of the book "If you give a mouse a cookie" which reminds me of a book I made for myself many years ago.....particularly this page.... I'm going to go with that.

03/08/2018

to a cheeseburger and fries. Winning!! Yesterday I went shopping for a dress to wear to the wedding next month. A long sleeved dress. I tried probably 8 or 9 dresses. We went to 2 stores. I finally found one with long lace sleeves and that netting stuff that you can see through so it's still pretty sexy but you don't have to look at my actual skin. It's knid of form fitting but I can bend in it. It's pretty. At the first store we went to the lady suggested I get something with shorter sleeves and wear a shawl. I told her, "I am not F***ing wearing a shawl. That is not the look I am going for." That girl missed a sale because I was immediately combative and wanted nothing to do with her. She needs to learn about the 50 year old womans mindset. I mean I still have a kid in high school. I joke about how old I will be next year when he graduates......and that I'll need a walker at senior night of the football game....but I'm joking. The last thing I want to do is actually wear a stupid shawl to my son's wedding. blech. At the next store, I found a dress and then as we were going to pay, I eyeballed a sale rack that had cropped black leather jackets on clearance so I grabbed one of those too. Leather and lace equals sass......that's my look. F the shawl. I was feeling pretty goood as I left to drive home but I needed gas so I pulled into a station and got out of the car. OMG. It was right next to a hamburger joint and I was starving. The air smelled like beef.....and it was amazing and I may have started to drool. I made a plan to get one. It seemed rational. So when I got in the car to pulled out of the lot, I turned on the blinker to head to the stupid drive thru and man.....I was all ready tasting that burger. But I looked at my little card I made about being 100% responsible for my life and thankfully I was waiting on a line of cars before I could enter traffic.....and then I thought that eating that hamburger would not be a step in the right direction of where I want to be so I turned left....away from the burger joint and I came home and drank a smoothie instead. I'm thinking that was a championship move.....Like I leaned into my goal like an olympic athlete. I'm feeling pretty good today about that choice and I'm thankful for my mantra. Last night, a friend texted me and said, "this healthy eating is killing me" I have to agree with her......It's not easy.... but it's a lot funner than wearing a damn shawl. Have a great day people!!

03/07/2018

So funny! This week I had an assignment to massage two people and write SOAP notes on them. Sometimes I wonder how I will ever make a business out of giving massages because trying to get someone to come over here and let me work on them for free has not been working out so well. I finally did find a gal who agreed to stop by on her way home from work. I said, "Hey!! You want a massage after work? I need to work on someone for my class tomorrow" . She replied, "Yes! But I'm fat. You sure you want to do that?" to which I responded, "what time can you be here?" She came at 4:30. I have never once looked at that woman and thought she was fat. She came in and took off her shirt and went I entered the massage room, she said, " I hate my arms. They are so fat!" I said, " I just wrote a whole blog this morning about how gross my arms are." Then we compared arms and decided we were both ridiculous and that we looked pretty good for being over 50. I just think it's hard being a woman and self critical. It's a lot of work. Maybe we should all stop doing that! I got to thinking about how all my thoughts center around myself and my shortcomings and decided that I need to volunteer and help somebody out so I signed up for an event coming up requesting volunteers. It's a clean up day so I will be picking up trash and making one spot in this world a little more beautiful. Sometimes, when you spend all your time alone, it's easy to get a little self centered. Helping someone in need is a great way to get out of your own mind. I made a little card and I have been carryig it around for motivation.....

Since Monday.....I have worked on my arms every day..... that's 3 days in a row! Hopefully this is the last I will write about my arms because who cares? Jack Canfield has an equation that says.... E +R =O (event plus response= outcome) Then he says, "Either accept that you are making a choice to stay where you are, take responsibility for your choice and stop complaining.....or take the risk of creating your life exactly the way you want it." I'm gonna shoot for that! It's a struggle because we all get stuck in our own way. I know for a fact I don't want a life where I sit around and complain about my aging arms....that's no fun. There are other areas I can improve also. I do want a life full of family and friends and a lot of laughter....and positivity and adventure. I want to LOVE and be loved and make a difference in this world. I have a friend whom I haven't seen in such a long time. We have been making plans to get together for months.....maybe years. I've always admired her! She contacted me this week and asked if I could meet for Taco Tuesday and I said YES!! Then yesterday it was blustery outside and freezing cold and kind of snowy out. She texted me and said, "Its so cold! Do you still want to meet?" I said, "I do! but if you don't want to get out in this shit, I understand" She said, "Let's do it" so we met. We caught up on all we had missed out on in each others lives for the past 2 years and we laughed and laughed until we were almost crying and it was so fun! We agreed we should get together more often. I hope we do! I came home and laid down and slept like a baby all night long with a satisfied mind. And I woke up this morning feeling satisfied too.....then I did my arm workout and let it go! And now I am smiling and full of hope and love for humanity! Life is good!

What about YOU?? Does this resonate with you? Are you living the life you want? I hope so! If not, only YOU have the power to change it and I believe in you! talk to me!

03/05/2018

I had kicked it off right beside my bed last night. I tripped over it when I got up and then when I took my coffee back to bed and then idk, I tripped over it again at some point and ended up kicking it into the middle of the floor and nearly fell down. And that is when I had an epiphany. The other night at the life coach class....the one I had to leave and race home from....I was reminded of a book that I used to read all the time. I knew I was going to LOVE the life coach teaching the class because she had this book and she had it highlighted and bookmarked like it was her bible. She is my kind of gal.

Jack Canfield. I do love him and this book! I found my copy on the dusty bookshelf downstairs and set it on my nightstand where I can peruse it whenever I so wish to. Last week I read this chapter at least twice.....and look! Years ago, I highlighted the pages too!

So..... after I tripped the boot and almost fell.....I immediately thought of priciple number 1....Take 100% responsibility for your life....and guess what?? I picked up the boot. I haven't tripped a single time since that move. It seems like such an easy concept, doesn't it? But is it?? For the past couple days I've been looking at my arms and thinking about how gross and flabby they look..... Are they really gross and flabby....probably not. I am my own worst critic. I can honestly say I have never looked at anyone and judged their body.....well, I probably have once or twice to be perfectly honest but I tend to be so focused on myself that I'm not real worried about anyone else. I can find the beauty in everyone but myself. TBH...I'm selfish....and vain! Aging gracefully is not my forte!! I was talking to Sassypants this weekend and telling her about my arm issues and how I need to go shopping for a dress that covers them for Ian's wedding and she very matter of factly told me to "work your arms out" and I said...."i do every day....in my mind. I'm lazy" This morning I was back on the overthinking about my arms. I get so hyperfocused on stupid shit. I took a shower and looked at the atrophied mess of muscles and then I started thinking about how my legs hurt and my back hurts. I've been thinking about working out for months. I keep thinking when It warms up, I will start walking outside again. I want to plant a garden. I'm looking forward to mowing. I joined that gym and when It opens, I'm gonna go and workout and swim.....and blah blah blah! On a recent trip to Texas, Greg took me to Enchanted Rock for a hike. It was a beautiful day and I enjoyed it so much.....

Isn't he the cutest?? He just melts my heart! But anyway.....that day, I really struggled walking up that rock. I had to stop several times to breath. I'm sure it was not impressive....I did not impress myself. I told Greg that the next time we went there, I would be able to run up that rock without stopping. Have I done one thing to improve my aerobic skillset? No.... but I have improved my eating habits.....although last night I sat in bed and ate Captain Crunch at 10:30 when I was having trouble falling asleep....this was my rationale as I dripped milk on my pajamas....I calculated that I have been alive for basically 20,000 days and I can't remember ever eating Captain Crunch in bed before so insead of beating myself up, I celebrated the 19,999 days that I DID NOT eat the captain crunch in bed. It seemed rational at the time..... and then I slept like a fricking G. For the past several mornings, I have contemplated working out my arms like Sassypants suggested. At one point, I was starting each day with a video like this......

5 minutes of arm work and after a few weeks, I had a little bit of muscle tone. This morning, I thought, "I should do one of those damn videos" but didn't. THEN after the epiphany that by golly....I am 100% responsible for my life....I did do the video. I picked up the boot and then I did the damn video. I drank some coffee and I'm on my 7th glass water trying to flush out all that Captain Crunch from my system. I'm wondering what else I can do better now? Mr Canfield says, " Most of us have been conditioned to blame something outside of ourselves for the parts of our lives that we don't like..... we never want to look at where the real problem is--ourselves" Isn't that truth? Actually, I have a long list of things I can do better. I can't say I have been giving 100 %....and who am I to play small? I am not a victim....and I'm capable. I have created this life of mine and I can recreate it into whatever life I want it to be. I find that exciting and it gives me hope! I love HOPE! It's a good thing!

What about you?? What are your thoughts on this?? Are you an excuse maker like me or did you grasp this concept long ago?? Tell me!!

03/02/2018

On Wednesday, I had the day off. I cleaned and cleaned the house. I didn't shower. I didn't even get dressed. I wore yoga pants and went braless all day. Knowing I wouldn't see anyone, I stayed comfortable. I threw my hair up in a ponytail and got to work. Well, about 7 pm, I remembered that I had forgot to get coffee and I had been out for two days. I was tired but really wanted to run to the store and get some. I knew I looked like hell in my yoga pants and unkept hair and stinky body but I decided to throw on some boots and a jean jacket and just go.

I awkwardly walked into the store feeling a little insecure BUT I was on a mission to get the coffee so the next morning would be amazing. It was a risk BUT that is one thing I have found about risk taking.....the outcome has to outweigh the actual risk.....like flying....I'm scared to death of flying but I enjoy seeing Greg so it's worth it. We always have a great time when we are together! I realize that going into a grocery store looking like shit isn't a life threatening experience but it's at those times that the odds of running into someone you don't want to see are pretty high. I was pleased when I entered the store and it was was empty. I just held my head up and walked straight to the coffee aisle like a girl on a mission. As I rounded the corner, I saw a little girl arguing with her mom about what cereal to buy. She took one look at me and stopped in her tracks. She dropped the cereal box to her side and looked at me up and down....she started with my boots ....to my yoga pants....to my jean jacket...up to my face....and then reversed. She did that several times. I stopped to and I smiled at her. You know, a smile is a girls best accessory, right?? I just just held my head up and got the coffee. I realized I needed one other thing so I had to walk down a few aisles to get it. When I got to the checkout, there was that little girl talking to her mom. She stopped when she saw me and I smiled again. She smiled back and then she poked her mom and pointed at me and she smiled even bigger....which made me smile bigger too. I seized my imperfections and was pleased I could amuse that little girl for that moment. I put my items on the counter and paid with confidence and walked out of the store with my head held high not feeling ashamed of my physical appearance any more. I was happy I ventured out and got that darn coffee and then I thought, "Who the hell cares what I look like?" And then I came home and played my theme song:

well, that's not really true......I just listened to it this morning. It makes me think about how long it's been since I've listened to that song....and how much my kids used to cringe when I would sing it out strong in the kitchen. It's true. We all have to be who we are! We are all fearfully and wonderfully made!! I'm just thankful I can be the smiling lady in the grocery store. It's a good thing!

I hope you all have a wonderful Friday! I want you to know that since I've started talking wioth you all again, my insomnia has literally disapppeared! I haven't slept so good in months! I'm thankful for all you and your encouraging words!! I feel so blessed and ALIVE!! I want to encourage you all to BE YOU today!! It feels so good! #blessed

also.....before i go...I've listened to this song twice this morning...

and cried. I downloaded the lyrics and sang outloud in my bedroom....I love Susan Boyle... and singing. I just people who achieve their dreams! Some day, I'm gonna achieve mine! I can feel it! There's a stir in the air and it makes me happy!!

Enjoy your day! It's so nice out I'm gonna go out and rake some leaves in my yoga pants...... and boots!!