Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Circles go round and round, and you can choose to be in or out, but you can never expect a circle to undo itself and become a straight line. I chose out some time ago but it seems I got sucked back in thinking it has straighten out. But it hasn't, and now I know that it won't. Things of the past don't go away easy, in fact they will always linger and haunt you. I will never know if its my preconception because of the past, or that a person can never really change, but I do know that I'm not going to try to find out because I'm tired of second guessing. Its weird because now you are not who you were to me, but I still care and I guess what saddens me is that in my rational state of mind (and not mentally handicapped by stupid love chemicals), you are just not someone I can tolerate or be close to. I don't know why I even thought about giving it a chance. Something that's been fucked up so bad should not even be allowed an attempt to be repaired. It seems like whenever I take one step towards you, be it as a lover, a friend, or even now just as a person, I get nothing positive. Instead, I get revelations about how ugly and disappointing life and human beings can be. For a long time, I chose to generalise and assume everyone was like you, but I'm going to (try to) stop now. Because doing that is going to devoid me of happiness, while you will just stay the way you are. In the end, it still boils down to how I was wrong to have hopes that you will eventually change to become the person I wanted you to be. I was wrong 11 months ago and it sucks that I'm still wrong now.

Friday, March 22, 2013

Hi readers. Time checked 2:11am. Reasons why i'm blogging at such earthing hours because i can't sleep, body clock screwed and i just feel like blogging, again.

Only time will determine when and how you’re going to move on. Sure, it might not be right away like you want it to be, but eventually one day you’ll wake up and realize that somewhere along the way, that piercing feeling you’ve always felt inside your chest faded and went away while you were too busy living life to notice.

Chin up. Put your shoulders back, walk proud, strut a little. Don’t lick your wounds: celebrate them. The scars you bear are the signs of a competitor. You’re in a lion fight. Just because you didn’t win doesn’t mean you don’t know how to roar.

Just look back over the past year and you realize everything changed. People you thought that were going to be there forever aren’t, people you never imagined you’d be speaking to are now some of your closest friends. Life makes little sense and the more we grow the less sense it will make. So make the most of now, before it all changes once again, because in the near future, all of this is only going to be memories. I’ve learned.. No matter how much i care, some people are just assholes; It takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it; You shouldn’t compare yourself to others; they are more screwed up than you think; The people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon, and all the less important ones just never go away. You can’t believe in others to make you happy because they will let you down. You have to build up your strong inner core and believe in yourself. Closing your eyes isn’t going to change anything. Nothing’s going to disappear just because you can’t see what’s going on. In fact, things will be even worse the next time you open your eyes. Keep your eyes wide open. Only a coward closes his eyes. Closing your eyes and plugging up your ears won’t make time stand still.

"A strong person knows how to keep their life in order. Even with tears in their eyes, they still manage to say "i'm ok" with a smile. God is good. Change is coming. God saw your sadness and said hard times are over."

Saturday, March 16, 2013

Hi readers, i'm back again. Time checked 13:47pm. I'm supposed to be still having my beauty sleep. But somehow, someone just ruined my Saturday morning and my beauty sleep. After the 1hour phone talk with Teng, i have the urge to blog. And well.. i gave up my sleep and hopped on to my blog. Anyway, it's not a sweet peaceful phone talk with him! It's full of anger and sadness. :(Sometimes, i wish i could have lived my life without making any wrong turns, but that’s impossible. A path like that doesn’t exist. We fail, we trip, we get lost, we make mistakes. And little by little, one step at a time, we push forward. It’s all we can do on our own two feet. This is just so difficult for everyone, not just me. Well, somewhere along the line, things just began to change and fall apart into pieces. I don't know how or why, all i know is that it did. I hate it more than anything, but it's life and i've got to learn to accept that. I've to be strong. Never fall! NEVER!And now, i don't know what is in my mind at all. There always comes a point in time when we’re so tired and so full of self-doubts, that we’re no longer sure why we’re fighting for whatever it is we’re fighting for. So, is this how i am feeling/thinking now?Some things are just detrimental to your health, body, soul, whatever you can think of. Some people are like poison. Coming in contact with them is like taking a sip of poison. And the effects kick in slowly, they are unnoticeable at first so you keep sipping religiously. Then when you start to realise your body is damaged, its almost too late. Some people are rationale enough, and they smash the bottle and seek help, good for them. Some others can't find that power within them anymore, they have grown to love the taste of poison, its almost like its already a part of them. So they just do what they have been doing for as long as they remember - sipping out of that bottle of poison. Eventually, of course, they die. And its nobody's fault but their own, because THEY couldn't put that goddamn bottle down and walk away.

I wish I had something a little cheerier to write about but I don't. I'm just drained, I'm drained and I still have to chase.My respect goes out to anyone that can hold their shoulders up and their heads high when everything is weighing them down and the world is so heavy. Because i'm one of them. :)Have a great weekends readers! xoxo.

Thursday, March 14, 2013

Hi readers. Time checked, 21:17pm. Am currently relaxing on bed with classic music for my little baby Ethan. Nights like this ain't that bad thou. Peaceful. Relaxing. Just in my own world. And then, i suddenly have to strong urge to blog, so here i am blogging tonight with all thoughts in my mind. I blog what's in my mind, what i want to say.. So if you are not interested or you dislike it or dislike me, then you are very most welcome to just close this site. I'm totally alright with it. I live for me, not for you or others. :)

There are so many people out there who will tell you that you can't. What you've got to do is turn around and say "watch me". Yes, WATCH ME! The more people think you can't you cannot make it, then the more you have to prove and show them that they are wrong. At times, those people that keep saying you can't make it, are actually those people who themselves will not make it. Because they can't, they think others can't too. But things are not this way at all. There's different kind of people in this world. The weak, the strong, the positive, the negative, the proud, the realistic and etc... You can, or you cannot, it's all depending on your will, determination, motivation and how much you believe in yourself. And of course, at some point if there's support of the love ones around you will be even better.

Do your little bit of good where you are; it's those little bits of good that overwhelm the world. Just like what everyone always said "好人有好报", good heart, good fortune "好心, 好运". I always have strong believing on this. That's why when i can help, i will help; i can listen, i will listen; i can advise, i will advise... When people need help, you help them, they will remember you. So when there's time you need help, you approach them, they will help you back. This is what as people always said "有来有去". But sometimes, being too good to others, they will take it for granted and step over your head. And this is what happening to me right now. I did tried to be as bad as i can, but after awhile, i stopped. Because it's quite tiring to be a bad one. You won't be happy, the other party won't be happy as well. So what's the point. Sigh.

Miracles do happen for those who believe. I'm always waiting for that miracles in life. Hoping that one day God will be fair to me and give me what i should receive after making me suffered so much. But, that day seems so far so long... Every time no matter what happens, i always will tell my friends "走出去就有路". That's how i always keep myself calm at tough times. But well, we've all been through times when we've wanted to either panic or completely freak out over something or someone, which is the root of a complete breakdown. How to keep control and stay calm ; 1st : Find a quiet place away from everybody, unless you feel it would be helpful to have a friend or significant other with you. This just gives you a chance to be able to think in a quiet place with no distractions or anything there to worry you more. 2nd : Take some deep breaths, in through your nose and out through your mouth. It's best to try and sit down somewhere while you're doing this, just to help you relax.

The gain v/s loss. What have you gain in life and what have you loss in life? Hmm, let's think. It's funny how life changes.. Today as I look down the memory lane, i’ve realized that there’s so much that i've gained and so much i’ve lost.. Don’t people say.. Every failure and every bad experience teaches you something… So mathematically.. (Learning from bad incidents + Learning from good incidents) > Loss from bad incidents). Ain’t this true? Have you lost a friend due to ego clashes? Well if you did you’re sure to know that you won’t in future.. That you have to remove the e from ego and let it go.. Have you lost your trust on your loved one? Well if you did.. Then you’re sure not to trust anyone so easily.. Did you ask someone for help but couldn’t get any? Well if you did you learnt how it feels to have no one around and you try and be there for others.. You didn’t do well in something? You gotta work alil' harder.. If you’re giving in your 100% then maybe the figure 100 isn’t enough.. There are so many incidents in life that teach you something.. but the idea is not about jotting them down here.. The idea is to recall those lessons.. The lessons that I might have forgotten due to the busy schedule or you never want to go remember it at all. The lessons that form the basis of my life.. Those which will make me a better person and which remind me of the puddles of mud that I know I can easily skip.. So as I recall all those lessons.. Don’t you think it would be great for you also to recall them and learn from it? But not everyone will be able to do this, recall them and learn from it. Just like someone i know, someone who i once loved, someone who i still worry for now and someone who is related to me and baby Ethan... I talked and advised him so much. I tried all my best want to wake him up and get out of all his negatives thoughts, but failed. His negative thoughts are too much, ways too over. It's so hard to talk to him to make him more positive. Just a minor of fell, and he gave up hopes and miracles. Just a rejection from help by friend(s), he gave up trying. I lost the happy go lucky boy i knew from the start, and i miss seeing his smile on his face. I tried and i'm tired. All i can do now is pray to God for him and hoping that God will hear my prayer.

Don't quit! Why quit and give up so easily. Don't quit when things goes wrong, and they sometimes will, when the road you’re trudging seems all uphill or the funds are low and the debts are high, and you want to smile, but you have to sigh, or you want to be happy but you have to be sad. When care is pressing you down a bit, rest if you must and keep yourself calm, but you mustn’t quit! Life is queer with its twists and turns which make it tougher. As everyone of us sometimes learns. And many a failure turns about. Just don’t give up though the pace seems slow, You might succeed with another blow. Success is failure turned inside out. And you can never tell how close you are. It may be near when it seems afar. So stick to the fight when you are hardest hit, It’s when things seem worst that you mustn’t quit! Don't quit. Fight it thru. Struggle it thru. One day everything will just be fine. You just have to believe it in, believe in yourself. :)

This is the article of my brother and me during year 2005. And now, 2013. It's been 8years. Life wasn't easy and fair to us too. But we both never give up hopes. And i still believing in waiting for the miracles. God took away our love ones when we are very young. There's nothing we can do, just hide the sadness, bear with the pain, hold back the tears. And now, i left with him as my only kin, together with my relatives and of course in another three months time welcome my baby Ethan.

This was my last scanning during my 20weeks 3days. The day i knew it was a baby boy. Ok, i did cried and of course shared the good news with all my friends. :)

And this. My tummy right now. 24weeks. I only left with another 3 months 16days to go! Way too fast. Fast until i'm so nervous and scared. :(

Well, time now already 22:50pm. This long post took me 1hour+. I should stop now. :) Lastly, i miss him and i pray the good for him.

You can, cause you’re a survivor. And I know that’s not some kind of curse. It just means you’re strong enough to keep fighting.

Jayla Emily

+65 // 23 .

Hard candy with a surprise center.

Lil' prince, EthanPay.

Cherish ; RaymondPay (Brother)

In Memories Of Grandma, Daddy and Mummy.

I am all that you are not. Kills what kills you!

You don't know much about me, so don't judge! I refuse to sink. I'm gonna pull it through. I went through a lot and for my age I don't think I should have went through all those battles. All these battles are never easy, but i managed to come so far. Stay strong, stay firm, be independent.

This blog used to be a place for me to blog about my thoughts and any other things happened in my life. But soon, this blog will become a place for me to share my journey of being a mother, my little boy's development phrases and every happy moments with my little boy and all my love ones.