Useful Advice

Lets take some time to examine some frequently asked questions from our mailbag;

"I have this really spunky girlfriend and we enjoy a wild sex-life. The problem is shesalways dragging me around shopping-malls, which I hate, but, I dont want to lose her. What can I do?" [Bruce S,Adelaide]

Bruce, listen-up buddy, what you need to do is organise an intimate night. Indulge her with flowers & a cheap bottle of bubbly-wine. Then take a bunch of private photos of her without her knowledge, before dumping the bitch via a text-message. Trust us  any relationship founded on mutual shopping is going to fail - so take the upper hand and stop being a limp-wristed wimp. Oh yeah, be sure to post her photos on our Facebook site. Make sure we get to see all the goods and not just her tits.

"There was a big bunch of us at the pub talking about how much we hate shopping and malls in particular. To our utter surprise one of the guys comes from left-field with I quite enjoy shopping. What should I make of his statement?" [Michael T,Calgary]

Mike, around 1 in 15 males is bisexual and bats for both teams. Dont be to 'anti' him, just avoid situations where you could be alone e.g. sharing a tent. You are bound to encounter people of different sexual persuasions in day-to-day situations such as this. So chill.

"One of my favourite shops is located in a mall, but I hate going there?" [Raul A,Buenos Aires]

Raul my man, if you are reading this, by-rights you have access to the internet. The men that developed the entire internet did-so with online shopping in the forefront of their minds. All that stuff about the net being an off-shoot of the military is a load of crap. So grab a beer, relax and go online to do your purchases, then take-time to perv at some hard-core porn. That's another of the prime reasons the internet was created.

"I've been looking for a group like yours for years. Even if Im just passing a shopping-mall in my car I feel dizzy, my blood-pressure sky-rockets, beads of sweat form on my face before the onset of uncontrollable shaking. Im then forced to lie-down for the rest of the day in my bedroom with the blinds-pulled. Thank Christ for people like you, ridding the world of those horrid malls." [Andy S, Iowa]

Dear Andy, thisis one of the most tragic things Ive read. Speaking openly it brought tears to my eyes. An allergic reaction of this magnitude must be a tremendous burden for you.With the advances in stem-cell research Im sure that one-day medical science will find a cure, and people like you will no longer have to suffer. Reading your heart rendering story, coupled with your endorsement hardens my resolve that we are on a just, humanitarian-driven mission to wipe these fuckers off the face of the earth.

"Normally Im a fairly level-headed and balanced person, but the moment I enter a mall I turn into a raving psychopath who wants to maim other humans." [Joachim L,Cologne]

Greetings Joachim from Germany, this is an entirely normal reaction in hetrosexual men. The only proven-way to stop the visions in your head is to avoid malls altogether. Alternatively, let some steam-off by getting a bunch of your mates together and invade France over a long- weekend.

"I meet this really neat girl at a party, but it turns-out she works in a cosmetic store in a big shopping-mall. What do you think?" [James W, Singapore]

James, next time you are cuddling her take a look at how close her eyes are man. This is the first on-set of environmentally-induced Downs Syndrome. Image having kids that look like Stephen Hawking? Have some fun with her. Take some compromising photos and post them on our Facebook page for a laugh.

Note: If you have a question that needs posing relating to mall trauma, join me atFacebookand Ill answer it in the same sensitive and respectful fashion.

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