My wife spends all her time in relationships with strangers

My wife spends all her time in relationships with strangers

Kate de Brito

–,
Wednesday,
July,
31,
2013,(8:11am)

Dear Bossy: My wife, with whom I have a very loving relationship, is taken to doing something which I consider is a bit ‘not nice’, and having discussed it with her, am a little confused!

Literally almost every time we are at a social setting, an airport lounge or the like, she makes a point of staring at ‘cute men’, catching their eye and gazing at them for long periods, seemingly completely oblivious to me being there. She is a very pretty lady, and it does not take much for her to attract ‘the eye’, and this has happened on a number of occasions over a long period of time.

I literally had enough the other night, and asked her about it, to which she said ‘it is acceptable (for her to do this) from her perspective’, and got quite angry that I had ‘called her on it’.

To me this is a quite disrespectful thing to do to a partner, and then I started to wonder what would happen when I was not about. To which I was told ‘oh you don’t trust me’.

Am I being ‘precious’ being concerned about this, and is it acceptable for a wife or husband to do that sort of thing?

Bossy says: I don’t’ think you’re being precious but I don’t think your wife catching men’s eyes is the end of the world. What matters is she doesn’t seem to think it’s a problem and you do.

When you’re married or in a relationship it’s crazy to think your partner will never again find another member of the opposite sex attractive. It’s also crazy to think they will never again enjoy the attentions of anyone else but you.

But it’s also not too much to ask that the person you’re supposed to love most concede some ground in the way they behave if it makes you feel uncomfortable. And it’s also important you have some boundaries. Check out a good looking guy while your husband is checking our duty free, sure. But spend five minutes playing eyeball ping pong while your husband is sitting beside you watching it go on and you’re pushing the friendship.

To be honest, your wife sounds high maintenance. It’s not that she’s good looking. It’s that she needs people to tell her she is constantly. She’s attractive and has probably been told that all her life. She’s used to turning men’s heads. And she likes it. And for whatever reason it’s her prime source of self confidence. She depends on knowing that she can attract and maintain the attention of men, possibly even pull it away from other women they’re with because it makes her feel worthwhile.

If you think about it how you met, how you dated, your early court ship, what she thinks about herself shouldn’t come as any real surprise.

Is it ok to bait and hook a look from a man just to get an ego boost? Sure it is. Most things are ok once and a while. Nothing is ok when it s prop or a drug or it hurts the person you love.

It’s not alright when it happens every time and all the time. It’s like she is a sponge that can never soak up enough admiration. And it’s not ok if the admiration you give her (and I hope you do) is not enough to begin filling up that need she has that she constantly needs to look outward for it.

I hate to think of people in relationships who won’t ever share an admiring look with a stranger because they fear their partner’s response. But equally it just seems rude if you are with someone be it partner friend or family member and instead of your attention being with them it is with stranger.

I think you probably need to talk to her again without the animosity and say this is something that makes you unhappy in the relationship. You need to tell her how it makes you feel. You need to say it is not about her never being able to look at other men, but when she does it constantly, when she is always staring out from the relationship rather than in, it leaves you feeling neglected and unsure.

Just because you’re a man doesn’t mean you have to man up and just put up with thing that hurt your feelings. Explain to her that it’s not that you don’t trust her. It’s not even that you feel jealous that she’s about to run off with one of these men. It’s that it makes you feel less valued - and surely she must understand that.

Your wife is chasing that thrill and that’s ok, now and then. But for the most part marriages thrive when people put their attention into each other rather than on people outside them.

It sounds like you have tried talking reasonably with your wife, but she has dismissed your concerns. So the time has come to take a more practical approach.

Next time she ogles a strange man, shift your position so that you are standing in her line of sight. You don’t have to make a big production out of this - you can be subtle about it. Just casually get up and move around until she is seeing YOU rather than the strange man.

And if she moves so that you’re no longer in her vision and she has a clear view of the other man again, wait a few seconds, then walk into her line of sight once more. Keep doing this, and she will hopefully desist.

My ex was very similar to yours so I know exactly what you are going through. She would even go and start chatting with the guys and of course they would think they were in. I remember one time she was chatting to a guy in a pub who then put his arm around her, I walked up and introduced myself as her husband and she then put her arm around him and introduced him to me, I was dumbfounded and walked off to work out what to do. 5 minutes later she comes over to me and hides behind me saying to guy was getting to touchie feelie and she was scared, I told him where to go and not long after dumped the attention seeking high maintenance biatch.

I knew probably like you do that she would never go anywhere, but it won’t stop. It’s ingrained in their heads and when I did split from her a lot of my female friends were so happy cause of the attention she tried to seek from their partners.

I don’t know what the rest of your relationship is like but it’s no fun when one partner is so disrepectful because they need to be told they are beautiful all the time. I’m not a jealous person and never read into it like that but trust me, all your friends that know her probably think you are whipped.

Oh come on, men do this all the time. Every boyfriend Ive ever had have checked out other girls in front of me. They may think they are being discreet, but they are not. I’m sure you have looked at pretty girls around your wife too. You just don’t like it because the guys that she’s looking at, are looking back. When you check out girls, they probably ignore you or think you’re a pervert.

Anyway, point is, there is nothing wrong with looking- it’s human nature. You only have something to worry about if she starts touching

Is there anything wrong with it? No. Not if both people in the relationship think there’s nothing wrong with it. However if one person does and the other doesn’t, then yes, there is something wrong with it. And frankly, I believe that to do something constantly and deliberately when you know it upsets your partner is just damned rude.

It’s simple… You married the wrong woman. In fact I pity anybody whose partner feels it is ok to act like this constantly and in front of you. It seems pretty obvious that your wife is trying to cuckold you.. And unless you act you will become a diminished human being. You probably already bend to her will and I can guarantee that you are not the dominant one in the relationship. That might have been what attracted her to you (she needed an accessory and you were oh so willing) but let’s face it… being the “nice guy” only gets you so far. And this woman is walking all over you. If this goes on she will be sleeping around and she’ll make sure you know about it.

What you have to do to get yourself out of this situation is one of two things. Either change the dynamic or leave. Your wife gets off on power and domination… currently her own over you, but this can be reversed and she will still be aroused. Buy some toys and make sure she knows who is the boss (just remember to have a “safe word"). You don’t have to run things in the household, but you do need to run things in the bedroom. If you aren’t sure how to go about this, you can get some lessons (check the net, go to the hellfire club etc). When requesting the lessons make sure you let them know you want to be a dom not a sub. You can thank me later.

@ Bossy: “Just because you’re a man doesn’t mean you have to man up and just put up with thing that hurt your feelings.”

Manning up doesn’t always mean putting up. In this case I believe the OPs wife is acting out the (traditionally male) dominant gender role. To put up with this behaviour is reinforcing his weakness (which is great if he likes that, but his cry for help by writing would beg to differ). Taking my advice will re-establish his manhood.

Start actively watching porno in the living room while she’s in the room with you. Maybe make it clear that you’re getting a boner. See how she reacts. If she doesn’t like it you can then show her that’s how you feel when she’s openly flirting with other guys in front of you.

Dear Original Poster,
in regards to your last question about being precious, no I don’t think you are, and it is not acceptable for a spouse to do this. It is one thing to notice, or look, another thing to catch the eye of someone who is not one’s partner for mutual admiration. That isn’t looking, it is linking.

As I get older I am more of the view that it is not just how a couple relate when it is just the two of them that counts, but how they deal with issues (not just sexual) regarding other people. When a person sacrifices their partner socially to please another person, it may not be obviously or dramatically wrong like unfaithfulness, but it can be significant if it is a pattern. It is important for both to try to be of like mind, or at least understand and give weight to each other’s minds, on such issues.

I am a bit stumped as to how you can persuade your wife that this is wrong. Or rather, what would give you the best chance of doing so.

In your shoes, firstly I would review what I give her emotionally. Is it just admiration for her looks, or are there other things that I admire her for and build her up over? When I do something for her, does she think I am only doing it because of her looks? It would be interesting to know if she received so much standing because of her looks growing up, that she lacks any other emotional base.

Secondly, I would try to work out what she meant by “it is acceptable for me to do this from my perspective”. Does she know, but not care, that it is not acceptable from your perspective? Would it be acceptable if you started flirting with others? Isn’t the most important thing not “my” or “your” perspective, but “ours”.

There is something rather cold about her response - she is not telling you what is really going on. Is she from a culture where men are supposed to be macho, and she is trying to goad you into being jealous or not take her for granted? (The more a culture deprives one group of power, the more the powerless group learn to be manipulative).

The third thing I would do is experiment by acting differently every time it happens. That means that you are no longer relating as genuinely and openly as you were, but in this situation there seems to currently be an inequity in sincerity.

Whether it is shallowness, cultural difference, or something else again - I hope things work out.

Yes, OP, your wife’s behaviour is disrespectful to you. I hope you’re not also doing the same thing to her, by checking out good looking women you encounter. Let your wife know that her behaviour is obvious and tacky. Next time you catch her at it, walk away from her, and let her know why.

She is flirting purely for the ego boost. That in itself is OK but the fact that she so easily dismisses your concerns about it says she has little or no respect for you.
You opinion is spoiling her mood and bringing her down.
The hamster inside her head has stopped saying us, us ,us and is back to saying Me, Me Me!

She sounds a bit confused - looking is acceptable. Leering is not. And I can’t abide women who will accuse their partners of being controlling if said partners get narky about their checking other guys out but won’t let the guys have a bit of an occasional perve too. Not sure if that applies to your wife. But she needs to realise that there’s a line of respect that you don’t cross by behaving like you’re not married when you are - i.e. by giving “I want you” signals like, as Bossy puts it, “playing eyeball ping pong.”

“My wife spends all her time in relationships with strangers” is surely misleading and exaggerated. It could well provoke indignation at being an unjust complaint.

Merely from vanity trying to get men’s attention and admiration is a harmless pastime from his wife’s point of view. Bossy has covered the implications of it becoming a habit in a marriage.

“A long habit of not thinking a thing wrong gives it the superficial appearance of being right, and raises at first a formidable outcry in defense of custom. But the tumult soon subsides. Time makes more converts than reason.”
Thomas Paine.

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