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January 31, 2010

The Stoopidest Winter Olympics Events Medal Ceremony

In a couple weeks, the world will descend upon Vancouver to watch lithe pale-complected (non-negro) athletes do an endless series of ill-advised things on snow and ice. We are from Colorado, so we practically skied from the womb (it was a little icy for our first black diamond run), so we are loathe to call all winter sports retarded.

But some of them are.

And now, Can o' Whup-Ass is thrilled to present the medalists for the stoopidest events in the Winter Olympics.

BRONZE: FIGURE SKATING

Sure, we enjoy watching nubile little girls (of both sexes) prance, spin, hoist their legs over their noggins and air out their sin holes whilst gliding about a rink to showtune medleys. But this is not a sport. We hear you protest; "these kids are incredibly talented and athletic!" Fine, but so are porn stars (as a side note, no one can beat Jeff Stryker's dismount).

We insist; if one is wearing a sequined costume, one is not competing in a sport. Furthermore, until we see Pocahontas performing the giant slalom or Aladdin Luge-ing at Madison Square Garden, we simply can't take it seriously. If Disney characters do it with any regularity (outside of an acid trip, that is), it is not a sporting event.

Perhaps we could combine figure skating and the biathalon. Give Michele Kwan a rifle and test her marksmanship in between triple lutzing and double salchowing. Just a thought.

Oh, and call us a cynic, but don't you miss Tonya Harding? That was the best year ever for figure skating. Nancy Kerrigan howling "WHY?" for the cameras. Remember? Maybe Tonya Harding should chase the contestants around the ice with a truncheon. Make it interesting.

SILVER: THE LUGE/SKELETON (DOES ANYONE REALLY KNOW THE DIFFERENCE?)

The sport of lugers. We have about nine million questions about the luge, the first being why would anyone participate in a sport invented by a man named Caspar Badrutt? What was going on in Caspar Badrutt's mind when it occurred to him to take a lie-down on a sled and fly down the Matterhorn whilst yodeling and steering with his thighs? Wouldn't you prefer to take the gondola? If one is lying down, can one actually be competing in a sport (bringing us back to the porno analogy)? Lugers strike us as particuarly lazy in that regard. You're competing at the Olympics, for heaven's sake. You could at least sit up!

Moving on, how was Caspar Badrutt able to convince others to drink his particularly kookie flavor of Kool-Aid? Why isn't saucering a sport? We'd be interested in seeing folks compete in the saucer event. In the doubles luge, what happens if your partner pops a boner? All roads lead to Rome, and all these questions lead to the same conclusion:

Luging is retarded.

But speaking of porn, should we ever embark on a career in the field, we've decided our name will be Caspar Radbutt.

GOLD: IT'S A TIE! BIATHALON/CURLING

First, the biathalon. We can say without the slightest hesitation that the day we wake up obliged to cross-country ski twenty miles whilst shooting at things will undoubtedly be the worst day of our life. How is this a practical pastime? We know skiers, we know hunters, but we've never met a hunt-skier. It strikes us as an excessively irresponsible hobby.

Why combine those two particular skills? Why not, say, bobsledding and badminton? Or speed skating and knitting? We'd be interested in seeing Apolo Anton Yoko Ohno (or whatever his name is) crocheting a lovely scarf on the short track.

Second, we have curling. Second only to the biathalon, should we ever find ourselves on a frozen lake sweeping a path for a stone, we will have been long overdue to take serious personal inventory. Invented by the Scots and perfected by the Canadians (possibly the only thing ever to be perfected by the Canadians) one feels pity for the people obsessed by it. Haven't they heard of internet porn? There are so many more productive, enjoyable ways to spend an afternoon. We can think of many things we'd rather do, including drilling screws into our toes whilst listening to Tori Amos.

Besides which, isn't curling basically shuffleboard for eskimos? Until we see summer Olympians medaling in croquet and shuffleboard and mah-jong, you cannot convince us that any curler really deserves to stand on a podium mouthing the words to "O Canada."

Medaling in snow angel-ing sounds no less legitimate.

That is all.

xoxWAM

Tonya Harding sez: "Subscribe to this blog's feed or the snotty bitch gets it in the knee cap."

Comments

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Priceless!!!! Miss your blog posts! I know you are more than 7 kinds of busy with life et al, but, your writing is the best! BTW, While getting ready for yet another Mardi Gras Ball (actually the Queen's Coronation), I found a ticket stub to Pangea. I'll make the trip to anywhere to see another production! (Hopefully NY)!

Ditto JWB3's first three sentences. This is the only thing entertaining I found online today. My personal favorite: "If one is lying down, can one actually be competing in a sport (bringing us back to the porno analogy)? "

I gotta set the record straight about the biathalon. This is a big sport in Scandavian countries (my mother and mother in law are both Swedish, the wife and I got set up kind of like they do in India). Swedish women are badass shots. http://www.helenajonsson.com/

In any case, the orgins of the sport go back to the 1930s when the Finnish Army (on skis) took on the Soviet Union and kicked their asses.
http://www.badassoftheweek.com/hayha.html

It takes serious endurance to pack a rifle on one's back and then bring your heart rate down enough to put the shot on target. I'm still waiting for the cops to get called on me one time on the trail system out in NJ for toting my M-14 on my back while out X-skiing (I have a permit and the weapon is always unloaded so no worries).

@JWBcubed: Good to hear from you! We wish we were in Nawlins this weekend! GO SAINTS!!!

@Ora: Thanks bitch. The tip jar is on the upper left part of the screen. Just, you know, in case you missed it :-)

@winksi: We have no doubt that biathaloning is just the thing in Scandinavia. But so is eating lutefisk and wearing wooden shoes. No, we cannot drink the biathalon kool-aid. We have no desire whatsoever to learn its finer points or develop an appreciation for it. Compete in x-country skiing or marksmanship, but to do both betrays profound indecision and lack of good judgement.