Friends Forever?

A few weeks ago, I gave a lecture in San Francisco. A woman named Molly stood up and said that she had saved enough money to quit her job for a year and travel. She also said that she planned to spend long hours doing nothing. "The problem," she continued, "is that today was the first day I didn't work, and I spent the entire day eating doughnuts. I'm panicked that I will gain 50 pounds. That all I will do in my time off is eat."

"Why do you think you ate doughnuts today?" I asked.

"Because I felt guilty about not working. All my friends were at work. I think they're jealous of me. They think it's decadent to do nothing."

But they won't be jealous if she suffers because she spends her time eating. They won't want what she has if she gains 50 pounds. They can't call her decadent if she stays home all day and eats instead of getting on a plane and traveling.

Molly was trying to hold on to friends who weren't really worth holding on to. A friend is not a friend when she doesn't want the best for you or when she is envious of your happiness. When you find yourself keeping secrets from a friend because you fear that if you told the truth, she would be hurt or lonely or unhappy with her own life, that is not friendship. If she doesn't want you to be the best you can be, to have all you can possibly have, to be as successful and as gorgeous as you have the potential to be, she is not your friend.[pagebreak]

Unspoken Rules of Friendship

When my parents got divorced, my mother lost almost all of her friends. It was okay with them when she was unhappy in her marriage and it was okay with them when she had affairs with other men; most of them were unhappy and having affairs as well. But when my mother had the courage to change her life by getting divorced, even her best friend, the one she talked to every day, cut off all contact with her.

Friends often have unspoken rules about what is allowed and what is forbidden. Some of these rules may be: You have to stay equally miserable; you have to stay equally fat; you can't move to another city, change jobs, change relationships, or begin working at something that takes you away from her.

Your friend may not want you to move to another city, for example, but moving will serve you best. A good friend would say, "I really don't want you to go, but I want you to have what you want." A good friend rejoices when her friend grows, falls in love, gets a promotion, or loses weight. A good friend takes joy in the joy of her friends.

When you begin snipping off your happiness to match the size of your friend's unhappiness, it's time to take a serious look at the friendship. It's important that you be kind to yourself and to your friend as you do this. It's important that you continue to value all that you have shared and still share—the goodness, the love, the things you have in common. This is not a black-and-white situation; if it were, you probably would have left a long time ago.[pagebreak]

How Vital Is this Relationship?

Not every friendship is meant to last forever. Some lead you to other friendships. Some are short, intense experiences. Some teach you one particular thing. And some, of course, are meant to be lifelong. It takes courage, maturity, honesty, and a reservoir of self-love to assess the vitality of a friendship.

Begin by telling yourself the truth, whatever it might be. "Every time I tell her something good, she changes the subject." Or: "I feel as if something is wrong with me when I am around her." Or: "I'd better not share this with her; it will make her feel bad."

Say this truth out loud, either to someone you trust or to your journal. Get it out of your head and into the world. Then imagine what your life would be like without this person: the parts that would be better, the parts that would be worse. Imagine not having to pretend or hide or diminish yourself when you are with this person. Imagine, too, the loneliness you would feel. In so doing, you experience what your relationship is really like with this friend. You stop trying to protect yourself from the pain—not of losing her, but of losing yourself when you are with her.

If it's possible, share these feelings with your friend. She might hear you; she might want to change. She might be grateful for the feedback. And she might not. If she can hear what you say, you can work together to create a different kind of relationship. It's worth the effort. If she can't hear you without criticizing you or getting defensive, the limitations of this friendship will become apparent. You may decide that you want the friendship anyway because its joys outweigh its limitations. Or you may not. If you allow yourself to be fully aware of the truth, and if the truth is that this friendship is more painful than supportive, it will eventually lose its attraction. There will be no energy between the two of you. If you allow the relationship to take its natural course, the passage will be smooth. It might be painful; you might have to grieve. But after a while, letting go will seem easier than holding on.

Make it a priority to develop and keep friendships that applaud your strengths and celebrate your successes, and to gently let go of friends who don't. You are worth being truly loved and supported, and there are people you haven't met, friends you haven't made, who would do a fabulous job at both.