If anyone is crass enough to demand an explanation for why Awful Woman was not invited to your birthday party, or is wondering why you are absent from the BBQ while you are in town, I think your mother should tell them the truth: "Awful Woman does not like GSNW, so I did not invite her to the birthday party. Beandip?" or "Awful Woman does not like GSNW, and has shown so in her mistreatment of her, but it was more important to me to have Awful Woman at my BBQ than GSNW. Beandip?" (This is if you're comfortable with that.)

I think that's a lot of drama, and I think it's unfair to the OTHER people to give them that answer.

Even if they did pry, they shouldn't be dragged into something.

And it is not *automatically* prying to say, "Oh, could Awful Woman not come to the B'day BBQ? I know GSNW and her daughter were very close! I thought she'd be here."

Nor is it automatically prying to say, "Oh, I was sure we'd see GSNW at the big BBQ, since she's visiting you now. Where is she?"

And GSNW's mother is the one who has to live with the drama that might get created.

Why create it? GSNW didn't really ask for that--she just wants not to deal with this woman. Bringing up the antipathy is just going to make GSNW and her mom look bad. AND it's going to mean that the meanness of Awful Woman has a far longer life and impacts even MORE people.

I'm not saying GSNW needs to absorb more abuse. Far from it. In fact, I think creating drama will draw MORE abuse, because every time she comes home, all the other people will try to argue her out of feeling abused, etc.

I'm just saying, "Let it drop, as a topic of conversation. Let it go away. Don't bring it up." And don't invite her to the party.

The idea behind cutting someone off is that you don't keep giving them headspace. Or conversation space.

I think you're right in standing your ground. This is an event planned to celebrate you, and you don't want to be miserable at it.

If my sister ever planned something for me and invited my dad, it would be a hands down no go for me. I wouldn't even show up. If your mom wants to invite this person, tell her in no uncertain terms that if she does, you'll be glad to make a token appearance, but you will not be staying for the whole party. It's your right to avoid people who you don't want to be around.

I agree with all the comments above and this one, except I would NOT make a token appearance if this woman is invited. I'd let Mom choose. Do I want Nasty Woman Who Hurt My Daughter at my BBQ or do I want my daughter there? Which will it be. It's either/or. Not and.

Stand your ground! Tell your mother she has two choices: first is a party with this woman in attendance but without you being there. The second choice is a party without this woman's presence and with you being present. Tell her to pick one and you will act accordingly. Ask her if she would have this other woman's feelings be bruised or yours.

It really is a simple choice. Whatever you do I would not just go along with tolerating this other woman's presence. Anyone that would have traumatized me at 13 would not be on my good list as an adult.

Logged

Always be polite, even to nasty people. Not because they are nice, but because you are.

Maybe dinner with family for your birthday, and if your mom wants to throw an impromptu barbeque while you are visiting and invite people, you could still see everyone without the focus being on you, the birthday person. The reason for the latter is that if she does invite Othermother you wouldn't be expected to interact with her on the basis of 'you: guest of honor, her: guest" - your mother would be the hostess and the onus would fall on her.

This suggestion only works if, since you were thirteen, you have interacted with her politely in public and not given her the cut direct. I can understand not wanting her at an event in your honor - who wants to deal with people they don't like at their own birthday party? - but as a guest of your mother's, at a separate event, there would be no reason to do more than politely nod then go off and chat with friends.

I disagree with the majority. Whatever happened was a long time ago. I am sure it was hurtful, and I don't mean to minimize that, but it should be easy to avoid her at the party and have a great time with everyone else. I don't see that your mom is being purposely hurtful, just maybe trying to move on from the past.

OP, I agree with the other posters. I think it's completely appropriate to tell your mom that you'd like to celebrate your birthday without the presence of Nasty Woman Who Hurt You. Then it's up to her what she'd like to plan. I do like the idea of the drama-free family dinner. You can always get together with your own neighborhood friends separately if you have the time and inclination.

I disagree with the majority. Whatever happened was a long time ago. I am sure it was hurtful, and I don't mean to minimize that, but it should be easy to avoid her at the party and have a great time with everyone else. I don't see that your mom is being purposely hurtful, just maybe trying to move on from the past.

It's not up to GSNW's mother to "move on". It's up to GSNW if she wants to do so.

This is really hitting home with me - my parents did this to me only it was the same week as the awful incident, and they invited the person without telling me first. I genuinely felt I had no choice but to attend since I lived at home and everyone knew I was there. The only alternative my parents begrudgingly gave me (knowing I wouldn't take it) was to cancel the whole gathering which would have meant HUGE drama. I ended up spending the night hosting and serving that person and it was AWFUL. Because I sucked it up and endured, however, my parents, rather than being appreciative that I didn't insist on an outcome that would have affected them negatively rather than myself, now play the whole incident down as not being so bad (in some cases pretending that it didn't even happen).

If you have any choice in this matter (in terms of how bad of an effect it will have on your family, obviously they can't force you to do anything), I would strongly suggest asking your mom just who this party is supposed to be for and making it clear that you won't make an appearance if your mom invites this person. Honestly, if she invites that person after you've explicitly told her that you don't want her there, I don't think the party is even about you anymore, it is about your mom wanting to throw a party - so IMO, you who are no longer the GOH, don't have any obligation to show up.

... I ended up spending the night hosting and serving that person and it was AWFUL. ...

You are a much better person than I am, NyaChan! There is no doubt in my mind that if my mother had pulled a stunt like that it would definitely have affected our relationship for years to come. I might have more or less "attended" her party, but to host and serve that person? No way in ehell would that have happened!

And there will be hurt feelings if she does invite the woman - yours. Your feelings are more important than anyone else's at an event that is in your honor.

Well put! I'd tell my mom "You can throw a BBQ without Person or you can scrap it and we'll go out for dinner. Spending my birthday with her isn't an option I'm willing to consider."

There's a third option: If the OP's mother insists on inviting this person to the BBQ, the OP can decide not to attend.

Well yes, but I would hope that OP's mom wouldn't decide to force a BBQ with NastyPerson on her birthday. I'd personally start out by giving my mom the option to either not invite Nasty or scrap the BBQ and go out to dinner. No need to escalate to ultimatums before you have to.

So many people (women) feel they have to be peace keepers. Your mom is thinking only that she has to live there and how would it look if she snubbed this woman. I think as long as you don't tell the person to their face they aren't invited, it is what it is, they don't receive an invitation so they don't know. If nasty woman finds out and calls, your mom can just say that your sorry but because it is YOUR party, you had final say on the guest list. Kinda wishy washy, but it saves your mom somewhat and it also lets Nasty know how you feel without a direct confrontation. The question though is, even if she is not invited, will she still show up? Doesn't sound like she has manners.

So many people (women) feel they have to be peace keepers. Your mom is thinking only that she has to live there and how would it look if she snubbed this woman. I think as long as you don't tell the person to their face they aren't invited, it is what it is, they don't receive an invitation so they don't know. If nasty woman finds out and calls, your mom can just say that your sorry but because it is YOUR party, you had final say on the guest list. Kinda wishy washy, but it saves your mom somewhat and it also lets Nasty know how you feel without a direct confrontation. The question though is, even if she is not invited, will she still show up? Doesn't sound like she has manners.

I always wonder, even if the woman does feel snubbed and people know about it, how much of an effect would it really have and how long would it last? I mean, even if I heard something like this happened, I don't think it would really stick in my mind for long unless there was some huge blowup about it. Then again, I've read on ehell many situations where such a thing has started some sort of feud, so maybe I just have a worse (or in my opinion, less troublesome) memory than most

I disagree with the majority. Whatever happened was a long time ago. I am sure it was hurtful, and I don't mean to minimize that, but it should be easy to avoid her at the party and have a great time with everyone else. I don't see that your mom is being purposely hurtful, just maybe trying to move on from the past.

It's not up to GSNW's mother to "move on". It's up to GSNW if she wants to do so.

I'm really having a hard time understanding your mother's attitude here. It does not seem that the two of you have a poor relationship, and if someone had hurt my DD so egregiously, there is no way on God's green earth that I would be friendly toward her, let alone invite her to my home.

Is it possible that your DM (and possibly even the woman herself) have no idea how seriously you viewed her actions? Or possibly she does not agree that whatever this neighbor did was very wrong and that she feels that one incident, when weighed against thirty years of good relations, should be forgiven and forgotten after so many years have passed? If the woman has a history of being unkind, and this was not a one-time action on her part, why is your DM continuing the friendship?

Perhaps it would be helpful if you had a discussion with your DM before you refused the offer of a party in your honor. It would give you an opportunity to express to her exactly how this woman's presence upsets you, even after so long, and your DM to explain why she is so reluctant to omit her from the guest list.

I disagree with the majority. Whatever happened was a long time ago. I am sure it was hurtful, and I don't mean to minimize that, but it should be easy to avoid her at the party and have a great time with everyone else. I don't see that your mom is being purposely hurtful, just maybe trying to move on from the past.

It's not up to GSNW's mother to "move on". It's up to GSNW if she wants to do so.

You beat me to it.

OK, I get it. But I still don't think the mom has negative motives. She does have a role, as an acquaintance of the woman and mom of the OP. Perhaps she is simply *hoping* that her daughter will move on.

I accept that it is a minority opinion, and just share it to present another view, not to defend it vigorously.