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Tuesday, March 6, 2012

In the Roar of Your Waterfalls

"Deep calls to deep
in the roar of your waterfalls;
all your waves and breakers
have swept over me.
By day the LORD directs his love,
at night his song is with me—
a prayer to the God of my life." ~ Psalm 42:7-8

I didn't expect this. Not any of it. For one thing, I never really expected my blog to last more than a couple of months, or for writing to matter at all to me. But in pouring out my heart here, I began to feel connected with you. And that matters. You matter.

I have had some exciting news this weekend about joining the Natural Parents Network and a couple of articles that were favorably received by Home Educating Family Magazine. I am elated! But when I shared it with a family member, I just got rolled eyes. I let them know that I was hurt by the response, and was answered in no uncertain terms that in their opinion, my writing is just a waste of time. There were some personal jabs added about my lack of housekeeping skills, parenting and homeschooling.

You ever have times when hurt, anger, and loneliness just crash over your heart like waves? And just when you think you are starting to catch your breath, they just knock you under all over again? Yeah, that. My emotions are pounding in my ears like a roaring waterfall.

Right now, two of the people closest to me in real life have let me know that they disapprove of my writing. One because I am "speaking against the Lord's anointed" by writing against the teachings of people like Dobson, Gothard, the Pearls, etc. Another because I don't have anything worth the time to say it. The result is that I now have a deep part of my heart that I no longer feel safe in sharing with them.

Tonight, as my heart pounded a waterfall of tears, I remembered the first part of the verse.

Deep calls to deep because all of us long for intimacy. Vulnerability that reveals the depths of our souls. It is a dangerous thing. Those deep places are only protected by distance from the surface. Our only safety is in love that is even more profound. In God.

We are meant to have intimacy with other people. But there is a place that is only meant for God. My self worth is found there, in who He is and who He created me to be. The stuff that fills me up inside comes from Him, not the approval of those around me. It has to, or I will always be tossed by every little wave of disapproval.

I believe that is the key, but I am still trying to figure out what it looks like to continue calling out to the depths in those closest to us. Where, exactly, is the difference between forgiveness and grace-full boundaries? These relationships are meant to be profound ones, and I don't want to close off my heart, but I don't want to open it up to be ground down into the mud again. I need help, because right now my thoughts and feelings keep splashing all over the place.

I do know that He sent swelling tides of healing and love through you, my dear friends. So many of you took the time to encourage me, to comment on my Facebook status and to send hugs and prayers. As I read your words, my spirit was bouyed up and my heart began to sing again. Thank you.

Those waterfalls can be deafening. That is why we have to sing His song even louder. I am so grateful to you all for relentlessly singing the song of love and grace, of healing and hope over me.

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I've admitted to being stuck in a musical time warp. If the verse got Margaret Becker stuck in your head, here you go:

10 comments:

Those closest to us are the ones that hurt us the most. I was just recently hurt very badly by someone who was my friend. Its especially painful when it's a friend in the Lord, because you expect more. I just read this last night:

"It is not an enemy who taunts me - I could bear that.It is not my foes who so arrogantly insult me - I could have hidden from them.Instead it is you - my equal, my companion and close friend.What good fellowship we once enjoyed as we walked together to the house of God. " - Psalm 55:12-14

God knows your pain, and He knows your heart. Keep calling out to the deep, you are such an encouragement to me. I'm so thankful for you.

((Hugs)) I hear you! Comments like that just tap into our natural mommy-guilt for any time spent doing anything other than focusing on our children. But the fact is there are other children out there God loves, too, and if He's called us to be vessels to share the gentle part of His multi-faceted character with parents out there, then we can trust Him to fill in any gaps that we leave with our own children. And another fact is that we can't be everything to our children anyway because that would leave no room for God in their lives! I fail daily as a parent, a homeschooler, a wife, a home-keeper, and a Christian, but God uses our weaknesses as much as, if not more than, our strengths to work His perfect will. His peace I leave with you, friend. It is enough <3

I know what you mean about trying to figure out how to have good boundaries without being closed off or bitterly defensive. I think it helps a little to think of the boundaries as something a little fluid -- some days you have more reserves of that sense of security and fullness in Christ, and you can step out a little more vulnerably. Other days, you need a little more retreat.

I am trying to approach my continuing bitter defensiveness by looking for opportunities to express my anger, fear, and sadness -- to a dedicated non-involved listening partner of some kind, or in my journal, or through physical things like pounding on my bed. I think about it as emotional charge, like static electricity, that has to be discharged somehow.

First- i too love Margaret Becker. Second-your writing has immensely changed my family, our future and the way my girls view life. I cannot thank you more for sharing your heart, your passion and your wisdom brought on by your own experience. Family tends to hurt the deepest-for that I am sorry. It's all such lie-who cares about the whitewashed outside? ya know? Those people have no idea what they are missing and I've never been ok with the whole "don't speak against the lord's anointed thing". Aren't we all "anointed" because Jesus dwells in us? I love you and think you are fabulous! lots of hugs and grace to you!!!

I am so sorry that you have been hurt like that. I have been hurt too. Too many times to count. I have finally after all these years resolved that we can forgive, but do not have to live in Toxicity. I have had to distance myself for the safety and well being of my girls. I had to do it for a long time with my boys too.And even though this person is older, things have not really changed all that much. She knows now that I am not effected by her words. She has tried to cause issues with siblings in law and siblings. It doesn't work. I have resolved to call her and check on her and to pray for her....but that is as far as I can go at this time.I just really fell sad for her.

Your blog is VERY important. 2 or 3 of my daugther's in law read you all the time! :) I read you too! And you have wonderful things to say.Let the water of the Spirit flow over you and refresh you today dear sister. And, I can assure you, that whoever said you are going against God's annointed is ABSURD! I have an uncle who said my sons were going to hell because we didn't circumcise them. I don't recall that in scripture, just like I don't find Dobson, Gothard or the Pearl's in scripture! :)