The Perfect Spot: A Last Minute Valentine's Day Guide

Booking a restaurant table the day before Valentine’s Day is the equivalent to believingHalf Life 3 is in production. Simply put, you’re out of your damn mind.

Look, we’ve all been there - woken up one day, realised that tomorrow is the 14th February, shat yourself because nothing has been bought and/or organised, with only 24 hrs (or less) to pull something out of your arse. I am here, first, to remind you today is that day. And now, to breathe. It will be okay. Time is still on your side. If it’s not, don’t worry - I’ve got you covered.

Restaurants, bars, nightclubs - this list features some lovely, unique establishments that will make you look less like a terrible boyfriend/girlfriend. These are the kind of places which are used to having people schmooze their way in or making last minute bookings, too, so they’re all set to cater to your forgetful needs.

It’s hard out here for underage players trying to score big points on V Day. Sending snaps of your dick will only get you so far (if you were wondering, that’s nowhere) and a trip to your local Nandos probably won’t cut it this time round. (Save that cheekiness for any of the other 364 days of the year.)The Bronze, the hot-spot nightclub in Sunnydale, is always a safe bet for a PG-ish good time. You’ve got it all - no ID’ing at the door, mediocre bands playing depressive pre-new millenia music and a designated tonsil tennis zone. If you’re lucky, you’ll turn up on a night where local vampires are feeling extra loving. There’s nothing quite like you and your significant other being turned into the undead to top off a special Valentine’s Day evening.​

For all of you cereal cafe eating types, who are more into the experience of dining and drinking than anything tasting actually half-decent, the Korova Milk Bar is for you.

​Take a trip to London Town with your partner and discover why this trendy bar is the new it spot. Naked statues and tables of women with bright coloured hair adorn the dimly lit space (you can pour your drink out of their nipples, because, how else were you going to drink it?); with words scrawled across the black painted walls. It’s very avant garde and the type of place you’d only get the nuance of because other people are just too simple to understand it. Milk has never looked so good, too, especially laced with tons of drugs. Make sure to dress in white on arrival, sit around mournfully and gram the shit out of this place.​

If you’re not feeling South Park’s new, overly expensive gentrified restaurants, why not book a table at one of the longest standing eateries in town, City Wok? Nothing screams authenticity more than having Chinese food made by a white guy dressed as a Chinese man. Be waited on hand and foot by some of South Park’s finest child waiters while you enjoy a romantic “City noodle” meal with your loved one. For extra V-Day points, tell your partner you booked out the whole place just for the two of you. You’re guaranteed a deserted restaurant, Monday - Sunday, at City Wok so it’ll work a charm.​

Expensive? Yes. Worth it? Definitely.You’ll be in your girl/boy/person’s good books if you take them to The Le Vrai. Food is sex here. I’m not talking about food which is likened to sex, either. Enter the matrix and you will eat food that is literally sex. Try their mouthwatering desserts and guarantee yourself one hell of an orgasm. While it’s not ideal to be the only one Meg Ryan-ing the place up with distinctive, undisguisable moans, you’ll be surrounded by other hot and bothered couples living in a carefully, designed coded world with little-to-no escape too. It’s like having a massive orgy without doing any of the physical work.Trapped with your bae in a fake programmed reality? That’s what Valentine’s Day is all about.​

Stuck for some adventurous food options? Spend an evening at The Happy Sumo in Springfield and experience their highly sought after fugu, a pufferfish that may or may not - depending on how its made - provide you with an unforgettable, life changing evening. If you or your other half don’t die in a Romeo and Juliet-like fashion, end the day providing renditions of some of your favourite romantic duets to a room full of Japanese businessmen in the restaurant’s karaoke bar.​

Good music, good vibes, good drinks - the Cantina in Mos Eisley has it all. There will be no complaints coming from your partner in crime if you take them to this notorious bar in the galaxy, that’s for sure. Order a couple of drinks (you won’t come across more friendly bartenders than these guys, I can tell you that) and find a secluded alcove to pitch up in as you jam to the Cantina’s resident band, Figrin D’an and the Modal Nodes. You may not be familiar with the strict code,so I’ll give you a heads up - be sure to stare at everyone and anyone you see. Forget about your date for a while (honestly, they won’t mind) and glare into the soulless eyes of the weirdest looking mother fucker in the room - it’s their only sign of admiration and respect. They’ll love it.

(Note: For any droid couples out there, sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but the Cantina has a strictly no-droid policy. C-3PO, you’ll have to find somewhere - and someone else - to stand your critical, holier-than-thou whining.)

There! You're all set now. Which one of these spots is your choice for a perfect Valentine's Day date? Let us know in the comments!