Real Grooms Share Wedding Planning Tips

We're over the "apathetic groom" stereotype. And after speaking to grooms across the country, we've discovered they clearly feel the same way. In fact, some are throwing themselves into honeymoon research, while others are putting their stamp on the creative details. (Did you hear that, mainstream wedding magazines?) Here's how a modern, enlightened fiancé gets involved—with any luck, your man may be inspired to lend a hand (or even take the reins).

Booking the band or DJ, selecting groomsmen attire, planning the honeymoon, and arranging transportation are still the groom's domain. We're not saying that most fiancés don't care about details like flowers and place settings; it's just that "traditional" groom duties tend to have more appeal. Why? "Because guys are going to stick with what they know best," says groomsonline.com founder Mark Walerstein, of Gilbert, AZ. "But they're starting to delve deeper into these topics, by reading wedding blogs and doing a little research on their own." For example, Cory Schifter, of Staten Island, NY, researched recessional songs for his upcoming wedding ("I Gotta Feeling" by the Black Eyed Peas was the winner) and spent considerable time choosing gifts for his groomsmen (not a tie, not a flask, but custom–designed Nike sneakers the guys will wear at the reception). He also threw himself into planning his honeymoon getaway to a Mexican resort. "I'm friendly with my travel agent and enjoy vacation planning," Cory says. "And, honestly, between work, wedding planning, and buying a house, I'm looking forward to 10 days on the beach."

He's also delving into other aspects of the wedding...

Brides.com's 2009 "Groom of the Year," Adam Moser, of New York City, got a kick out of selecting the décor for his reception. His wedding was held at a 19th–century train station that's been converted into a hotel. The former main terminal turned ballroom "had this elegant golden hue and architecture that transported you back in time," he says. "So we wanted to make sure that some of the details of the wedding, like the table settings, matched that style and didn't look too modern or out of place." (In the end, the couple went with gold linens and centerpieces of delicate calla lilies and blue hydrangeas, and illuminated the room with tea lights.) Andreas Unger, of Austin, TX, says he's also interested in the overall look and feel of his upcoming lakeside wedding. "I think nature will provide a pretty backdrop," he says. "There's no reason to mess too much with that, but you want it to be clean and elegant, too, not like, 'Hey, we're in Narnia!'" So instead of traditional, ornate décor, the couple is going with a chic black and white theme. Matthew Smith, of Yuma, AZ, is particularly jazzed about selecting favors. While the event is more than a year away, he already has a bunch of ideas. "We've discussed different options, like creating a cookbook of our favorite dishes to make together," he says. "We would definitely include our brie, pineapple, and crab flatbread pizza." And when his fiancée considered black dresses for the bridesmaids, Cory suggested that the color might be too somber for the tone of their wedding. Instead, they settled on fuchsia, which he then incorporated into the groomsmen attire. "Confident men wear pink," he says, "and my friends are definitely confident."

He's finding clever ways to apply his everyday skills and interests to the task at hand...

People are excited about things that genuinely interest them–no surprise there. So if a groom can find a planning task that piques his interest, he'll run with it. While Matthew and his fiancée, Rachael, have only just begun planning, Matthew is already putting his skills to use. "I work in the printing business, so I helped design our wedding binder," he says. "I put it together by formatting the pages and typing up the tabs for it." Now Rachael sends him information from vendors, which he prints out and files away in the binder to keep everything easily accessible and organized. Benjamin Bunting, of Tampa, FL, drew upon his experience as a wedding officiant to determine the direction of his own ceremony. "I want it to be very personal," he says. "The three weddings I've officiated were for best friends, and I really think that added a lot to their ceremonies." With that in mind, Benjamin chose his brother, a minister, to officiate at his own wedding. He then put together the order of the ceremony based on what's worked best for him in the past. "When I officiated, I opened with a prayer," he explains. "I really like how that went, so I plan to ask my brother to do the same."

He's adding personal touches to create a wedding that reflects his point of view...

When Jeremy Bloom, of Eugene, OR, and his wife, Lyra, were planning their wedding, they knew it would be a nontraditional affair. "To be honest, I think that if we'd planned the standard 'flouffy' wedding, I probably wouldn't have wanted to be involved," he says. The pair found Whalen Island, a camping site along an estuary on the Oregon coast, and invited friends and family to join them for a three–day celebration. It was important to Jeremy that the wedding convey a sense of spirituality, so he came up with a unique way to incorporate his Jewish heritage: He assembled a chuppah from fallen pine saplings and a blanket he'd found while traveling in the Mediterranean. "I've seen weddings that are all about what the parents want, and under those circumstances I'm not surprised that guys throw up their hands," he says. "I like to do things for myself. We're both talented and creative people, and our wedding turned out the way we wanted." Similarly, Andreas, who moved to Texas a few years ago from his native Scandinavia, wants "something Swedish incorporated into the wedding," he says. The solution: finding and hiring a string quartet to play traditional Swedish music while guests are being seated for the ceremony.

He sees supporting the bride during this time as one of his biggest responsibilities...

While in the past he might have griped, "Why are you spending all our money?" or, "Why do these details matter?" today grooms embrace the wedding–planning process by offering support in any way possible. "Knowing my fiancée's in school, the wedding site is three hours away, and she's not around her family, I want to make sure she gets the support she needs," says Benjamin of his bride-to-be, Hannah. So whether it's registering for gifts or mailing invitations, he shows that he cares by keeping the atmosphere relaxed. "She'll say, 'We really need to finalize the guest list,' and I'll say, 'How about I make us something to eat and we'll do it over dinner?'" Benjamin says it's better for him to stay in the kitchen because he can help, but also still give her the space she needs to work. Adam diffused some of his wife Yana's wedding-planning stress by grabbing a bottle of wine and relaxing with her on the couch once in a while. He said mindless TV was just what they both needed at the end of a long week. He even encouraged her to watch over–the–top wedding shows when she was feeling hung up on details, he says: "Nothing puts your wedding in perspective like watching Bridezillas!"