Monday, July 29, 2013

I am beyond exhausted today from the weekend. Oh, I didn't stop. Friday after I left work, I went to the store for some grocery shopping for the cookout I was having on Sunday for my family. Then I picked the kids up, let them play-Zach ended up wrecking his scooter, fed them and then helped Lilly pack and dropped her off to the camp out. Zach went with me and he carried her pillow.

Saturday, I got up, took a shower and went to pick Lilly up. Brought her home and told her to go to bed since she didn't sleep all night. I cleaned. I did laundry and washed dishes, swept off the front porch, fed Zach breakfast and then woke Lilly up to leave. Dropped her off to her father and I chatted with my grandparents a little. Stopped on the way home to talk to Tony while he was at work. Went home and finished laundry and finished up the kitchen and played with Zach. I rode on Lilly's scooter, we picked apples and went for a walk with Oreo, played with chalk and Lilly came home around bedtime.

Sunday, I swept and mopped, cleaned the bathrooms, cleaned the mirrors, cleaned off the tables, cleaned Zach's room, put some more pictures in frames, dusted, hubby cleaned up the outside furniture, and I started cooking around noon. I put on the ranch mushrooms in the crock pot, baked a cake, made a huge fruit salad, and made an Oreo pudding pie. Even ended up making another run to the store for more chicken. Mom, Seth, Donavan, and my nephew Jacob showed up first. We chatted for a bit and then hubby's ex brother in law pulled in. He stayed and talked to hubby for about 10 minutes and left. While he was there, Jeff, Josh, his wife Tish and her kids, Patrick and Austin showed up. I went out on the porch and chatted for a bit and watched the kids play. Then my in-laws showed up. I went inside and started cooking and told hubby to start up the grill for the chicken and deer steaks. He waited. Tony and Bre showed up while I was cooking. I sliced up some red potatoes and baked them, made a green bean casserole, cooked some baked beans, baked some fish, cooked corn on the cob, and made the kids hot dogs and macaroni and cheese. Also made some lemonade and sweet tea. Hubby finally got done grilling and everyone ate... except Seth. He decided he was going to go sit in the car. I tried and tried to get him to eat or at least get out of the car. He finally got out of the car and sat on the porch and played his guitar. I got him to take a bite of Oreo pie and a strawberry and that was it. I got to talk to people for probably 20 minutes before they all left. Found out mom is smoking again.

I'm glad I got to see everyone, but I was too busy cooking that I didn't really get to visit. Oreo was very well behaved and the kids had a blast. It didn't take long to clean up and then the kids took baths. Lilly's elbow started bleeding again, but she wouldn't let me put a bandage on it. I finally got some big ones, but she started crying saying that it would hurt, so we just put a towel on it.

My evaluation of Seth... I think he is wanting attention. He made a big deal about not eating, he went to sit in the car. He made it very known to everyone that he hasn't eaten all day and didn't want to talk to anyone. If someone is depressed or suicidal, they don't do that kind of stuff. Yes, they may seek attention to get help, but he doesn't even want to try to get help. I think all those days of being alone in the apartment has taken a toll on him and he saw just how fast people will come running when he wants them to. I'm just afraid of the measures he will take to get attention, though. I wish he would go get help and maybe get put on some medication.

I've noticed some things about my medication. I'm not depressed anymore, but I'm not really anything anymore. I'm not sad or overly happy or angry or anything... I'm just content all the time. My dreams are more vivid than before and sometimes, I swear, I actually FEEL like I'm in my dream living it for real. I feel the pain and the fear and I'm just so tired anymore, like I really did live my dream. I wake up with sore muscles when I can't think of a reason why they would be sore. I also can't breathe through my nose hardly anymore, but of course it could be a cold or allergies. My appetite has gone down significantly. I don't eat hardly as much as I used to and I'm just not hungry. Some days I have to make myself eat. I'm thankful for the medicine, I'm no longer falling down the endless spiral and feeling so alone, but there are just a few things that I have to adjust to now, I guess.

Friday, July 26, 2013

Yesterday I got a call from my youngest brother telling me that Seth is in the hospital because he was having suicidal thoughts. So I took off running the 7 blocks from my work to the hospital. The cops had picked him up after one of his friends called because he had sent a message on Facebook to a few of them suggesting that he was going to kill himself. I got there the same time as Jeff and we went in together. He seemed fine. A little scared. They had him in the ER in a basically empty room with a camera in the corner. A social worker came in and said that we can wait until mom gets there because moms know best and Seth said, "You don't know my mom. Mom does not know best, sister knows best, we can talk now." He explained what happened and I didn't see too much of a big deal. Thinking about suicide is a normal thing for me. Actually attempting it is another, however. He never attempted and never took any steps further beyond suggesting to his friends that he was going to. He was depressed over a situation, a situation that we've all been in. I told the social worker that it seemed like normal teenager behavior to me and she agreed. He had some cuts on his hand that he said was just more curiosity than anything and he knew it was stupid when he did it. He said all the hype in social media about being a cutter made him curious. That didn't seem to big of a deal to me. I used to carve in my hand for the fun of it. Tony was a cutter. Seth's was more like scratches instead of cuts too. If they were deeper, it would have been a red flag to me. Social worker said she understands that, but is a little concerned about his age. He's almost 19 and cutting his hand. This was the first time and I told her that Seth is alway behind the times. Jeff agreed with me on everything. Social worker left and I went to get Seth some food from the vending machine because he was hungry. While I was gone, mom slipped in and was talking to the doctor and going off about how Seth is depressed because he doesn't want to do anything. I stepped in and said that he's not depressed, this was an isolated incident that we all can relate to and he's just lazy, that's why he doesn't do anything. Seth totally agreed. Jeff was now taking mom's side. Seth was released just a couple hours after he had been in there. No reason for concern. Mom took him home with her.

Now, I'm not saying that he didn't think about killing himself, but its not an ongoing thought. He was depressed over this one situation and thought suicide was the way out of it. Now he's kind of on suicide watch at moms, but to tell you the truth, she's kind of the last person that should be watching.

I've been a little concerned about him for a while now and have told everyone to stop badgering him about getting a job and growing up. But they all kept on. This was not the reason behind this incident, but I'm sure it didn't help matters any.

Tony texted me this morning and was upset that I hadn't called him yesterday to tell him what was going on. I told him nothing came of it, that its not a big deal. If they had decided to keep him or if I had any major concerns, I would have called him.

On a different note.... Lilly's glasses are broken and she has to go a few days without now. Some kid stepped on them at the pool because I can never remember to pack her glasses case. I got a new pair ordered for her that should be around Tuesday at no cost to me at all. Also yesterday, Lilly wrecked on her electric scooter. She rode in the grass to get away from Zach who was trying to run her over with his Power Wheels 4-wheeler and she crashed, skinning up both knees, her right elbow and her chin. Poor girl. And so here was Lilly crying on my couch while I was trying to doctor her up and then Zach was outside crying because Lilly had pushed him away when he got too close to her elbow. I cleaned up her scrapes, but didn't have a bandage big enough for the areas, so I just let them go without. The bleeding stopped. I comforted Zach and he ended up going down the road with hubby and I was trying to make sure Lilly was comfy. I moved her to my bed and let her watch a movie. She slept ok and woke up with hardly any pain. She's going to a pool today too. She's going to be blind without her glasses and in pain from her scrapes.

Lilly's overnight camp at the Y is tonight. I hope her cuts don't bother her too much and she can have fun. I have to go shopping today for the cookout I'm having on Sunday. Well... I guess I could go Saturday....

Monday, July 22, 2013

My weight is now down to 179.8!! I have crossed the 180 mark. I gotta admit that I did do a little dance when I saw that number. After I had Zach, I got down to 170 but quickly gained and gained and gained. I'm almost there and I'm not going to stop!

You know what I did Saturday?? I got in the pool with the kids! Me. In a pool. I haven't done that in years. First off, I'm not a water person. I CAN swim, but water freaks me out. Second, I hated the way I looked in a bathing suit. Now between losing some weight and loving the person I am and not caring what other people think, I went out and bought a bathing suit and then I actually wore it in front of people!! I gotta say that I did have fun with the kiddos and got a good workout in swimming around and pushing Zach in his floatie. He can kind of swim now with arm floaties on. He wore arm floaties and a ring floatie, but when I took off his ring, he was fine. He even jumped off the ladder into the pool. Lilly does flips in the water now too. Lilly had a nose bleed at the pool and we had to get her cleaned up. It was running down her arm and dripping onto her leg by the time we made it to the bathroom. Nothing happened. She just gets random nose bleeds. I had so much fun that I can't wait to go back. We left a little earlier than I wanted to because it started storming. Great workout!

I can't say that much else happened. I went this morning and got some blood work done to get my sugar and whatnot checked out.

Took Lilly for a haircut Friday. She got it cut above her shoulders. Looks good and I bet she's way cooler now.

My family is coming down to my house on Sunday for a cookout. I have to start cleaning and planning on what I'm going to cook! I'm so excited. No one's been here since I moved in. Mom, Jeff and 4 out of 5 of my brothers are coming. I have to make sure I cook healthy. Mom and Josh are supposed to be on a diabetic diet and the rest of them but Tony needs to lose weight. I'll probably do some chicken and some fish with corn on the cob, some summer squash, maybe a green bean casserole since its Tony's favorite and then maybe a fruit salad and some angel cake...

Lilly's campout at the Y is this Friday! She's super excited. I have to find her sleeping bag. She's done about $16 worth of chores so far and only has a few more days left to make it to $30.

I did my first bit of Christmas shopping today! I bought Lilly a lap desk with a light and a cup holder. I bought 2 more that have 'boy' designs on them and haven't quite decided who is going to get those. Probably hubby's 2 youngest nephews will. The youngest one starts Kindergarten this year... I think. And then I went ahead and shopped around some more and put some stuff into my online carts. I'm probably up to $300 or more so far. I won't be able to go shopping on Black Friday this year which is a huge bummer, but I'm sure most stores will have sales more than one day. At least that's how it was last year. The sales either lasted all day and it didn't matter what time you got there or they lasted a few days. I'm sure it'll be the same this year. I haven't quite figured out what hubby's big gift should be this year. I have an idea, but I'm not 100% sure I want to get that yet or not. I'm also thinking of getting Lilly an ipod for her birthday. That's going to take some thinking too.

Thursday, July 18, 2013

My medication is certainly working. I feel happier, yes, but I also feel....lighter, like there's not this heavy weight inside of me pulling me down. I used to always feel like something was inside of me dragging me down, making me slower, heavier, darker, and I'd just feel worse about everything, but that weight is gone now. Hubby told me last night that I'm weird when I'm in a good mood. I guess weird is good now. At least I'm not brooding or crying or silent or sad. My anger outbursts have gone down too. I don't yell nearly as much as I did and so many things that used to bother me to no end just doesn't anymore. Its like I'm seeing everything with new eyes and a new heart. I can't believe I've waited so long to seek help. I've battled this alone for over 10 years and it was getting to the point where I couldn't even fake a smile anymore. Its wonderful.

And speaking of being lighter... I've finally hit the 20 pounds lost mark. So much hard work, all the pain, the hot nights running, the salads every day is paying off. I'm now down 20.6 pounds. That's almost 2 whole pounds in less than a week. I haven't even gotten to go running this week yet because its just been toooooo hot. Heat advisory= no run for me. I'm a wuss like that. Even though I'm not out running, the weight is still coming off, so I know I'm doing something right. I now weigh 180.4 pounds. From 201 pounds on Valentine's Day to 180.4 pounds today! 5 months and 20 pounds later, I feel great. My clothes fit so much better.. or at least my shirts do. They're not tight anymore. My pants however, are too loose and I need to go shopping for more than just the one pair that I have.

So... hubby is close to getting a new job. Well.. a new position for the place that he works now, but it'll pay better and instead of working for an independent contractor, he'll actually be working for the plant working a reactor. A few more bucks on the hour too. I kind of hope he does get it, but part of me hopes he doesn't. He'll be working some nights and there will be days when we don't get to see him. I know a lot of families are like that, but I like that we're all on the same schedule. See... I'm even trying to be sad about not seeing him, but I don't feel that weight. I do feel sad, but without that weight in my heart, I don't feel like my sadness is genuine. I've just been living with it for long. I guess it really wasn't normal to feel that. Anyway... More money would be great and the work would be easier on him, but I hate that we'd go days without seeing him.

I've applied to work somewhere else too. I know someone that works there already and a girl I work with now is pulling some string for me to try to help me out. She knows someone that could probably help out too. I hope I get it. Closer to home. I may have already talked about this.

I think I'm going to go to the mall tomorrow for lunch. I need to get out of this building during the day. I've been here all week, taking my lunch at my desk because I didn't want to get out in the heat, but I'm going to go tomorrow. I get paid tomorrow and I'm going to scout out some sales for more clothes for Lilly for back to school and I'm probably going to buy Dark Places by Gillian Flynn too. Get Zach some more shorts too. I think we're down to 6 or something at home and if he has an accident, then I have to do laundry and I don't like doing laundry unless its laundry day. :-) We'll just see how much money I have left over after I pay day care and stuff.

I had a dream the other night where a plane crashed into the hotel a block from my work. I was in the mail room and felt this horrible shake like an earthquake and I remember feeling pain. I ran outside and then the plane exploded. I've also been dreaming a lot about bears. Big black bears. A lot of them.

Its about lunch time now. I brought left overs from last nights dinner. We ordered out. I ordered some pasta and stuffed bread and only ate half and brought the other half to work today. I'm proud of myself for that. If this was a couple months ago, I would have eaten all of it last night and went to bed with a stuffed tummy. I'm glad I have all of this under control now.

Monday, July 15, 2013

We are halfway through July and I don't know how we got here. This year has flown by so fast that I didn't even realize that its more than halfway over. What happened? I've been living in my new home for almost a year. Can you believe it? After all the searching, all the bad credit, all the fixing, all the saving, all the offers, all the let downs... we've been home for a year. I still don't have it decorated or anything. A year. A near empty house. Its weird.

Friday, I went running and got my best time. 11:44 minutes a mile and I went almost 3 miles. Felt great! Went home and showered then headed out to Walmart where I spent way more money than I anticipated. I bought me a pair of work pants that are a size down and they fit perfect! Bought Lilly some back to school clothes. Broke my heart to buy her training bras, but I figured it was time. I didn't start wearing them until 5th grade, but growing up was a thing about life that my mom didn't want to talk about. As much as it breaks my heart that she is growing up and as embarrassed as I think I'll get, I'm not going to let her face it alone.

After shopping, I went to the Y for lunch with Lilly and an art show. We ate hot dogs and I talked with her friends and played around with Lilly. I got to take her art home. I was trying to get back to pick Zach up before nap time, but I was 6 minutes too late. I left him there to nap and went home to read and then nap myself. An hour and a half later I went back and he was still out, but I woke him up and he was all smiles.

Headed out to the 'farm' Friday evening. We let off some bug bombs to get rid of gnats. We got there, ate some Subway. Bought Zach a 6 inch pizza sub and he ate all of it and kept saying it was delicious. I love hearing him say that. Blew up an air mattress for Zach to sleep on and went to bed. Got up Saturday and headed out to the woods where me and Zach sat on 4-wheelers and watched the men work, pulling fallen trees out of the woods. I kept trying to get Zach to get down and play, but he wanted to watch. He also gave me 3 dirty diapers while we were out there. I couldn't get him to lay down on the ground so I could change him, so I took him up to hubby's dad's deer blind. Its like a tiny little house. After they were done, we went back to camp for lunch and Zach took a nap. I took one too. Hubby came and woke us up and said it was time to go home. So, just like that, we went home to air the house out. The bug bomb did nothing. We still have gnats and there was even a spider still hanging out in Lilly's room! And we got more than enough for the space that we have. Oh, well.

I lost a pound. I'm down to 182.2 now. Its very exciting to see the scale moving again. Losing weight is still weird to me. I didn't think I was capable and here I am, almost 20 pounds lighter!

I was going to get my blood work done this morning, but I woke up kinda sick and I thought better of it. I'll try again tomorrow.

Yesterday, Zach wrecked his power wheel. He was going up the hill behind our out building and he tipped it, trapping himself between the power wheel and the building. He has a little bruise on his hip, a red mark on the side of his head and a scratch along his neckline on the left side. He was more scared than hurt. I ran and picked him up and he cried, but it wasn't his hurt cry so I knew he'd be ok. We went inside for a drink of milk. He went all day without a nap and crashed right at bedtime.

I think my medicine is helping. Tomorrow will mark a week and I've been in better spirits. But.. this is my good week out of the month. We'll see how the next 3 weeks go. I haven't been too sick from it and it doesn't make me that drowsy anymore.

I'm almost done with the book Gone Girl. Its ok. Lots of weird little twists and turns, but kind of predictable for me. There's very little that happens that I haven't guessed already. I don't want to ruin it for anyone that is reading it. I would recommend it. I mean, its good. Written very well and I like Gillian's style. I just have a bad habit of knowing what's going to happen before it does. I do it with movies and tv shows. Hubby kinda hates when I voice my predictions aloud. He thinks I've already seen it and I'm trying to ruin it for him.

Oh and the dog. I'm kind of at the point where I regret getting the Oreo. The idea of him seemed like it was something we could handle. I think we should have gone with an older dog. I liked the idea of Zach growing up with a dog, but now I wish we would have gotten one a year old or something instead of a puppy. I feel bad leaving him outside while we're at work, but he's going to be an outside dog. He still bites and jumps on the kids and Zach is still afraid of him. He's a little too hyper and rough for Zach. I know we're still in the training stages and we've only had a him a little over a month, but it seems like forever. I just wasn't ready to have another baby in the house. At least if I was pregnant, I would have 9 months to prepare myself. Oreo was a spur of the moment decision and black lab really wasn't what we were looking for. I hope he calms down for Zach's sake. We got him for the kids and they won't go near him. Hopefully soon we can get all that fixed.

Thursday, July 11, 2013

I slept a little better last night. The medicine still made me a little tired and dizzy but not as bad. I do have the shakes pretty bad today. Yesterday I felt like I was in a dream all day, like I was just floating along. The day went by fast, I didn't have very much of an appetite and I was tired all day. Of course all that from yesterday could have very well been from where I was tired. I didn't feel sick at all last night, so maybe it was something else that made me feel that way. Maybe something I ate? I still feel.... weird.

I didn't work out at all yesterday. No spinning class. No running. No Wii. No weights. Just rest. I'll probably lift my weights tonight and I'll go running Friday morning. Maybe even take a nap too. Still haven't lost any weight, but I haven't gained any either.

I can't think of anything else to write about right now. My brain is switched off or something. I told my mom about the medicine I'm on and she said she's on the same thing and that it will mess with me for a while before I get used to it. I can't stop yawning. I could go to sleep right now.

Oh, picked the kids up from the Y and Zach's teacher looked like she was about to pull her hair out and I asked her what was wrong. Apparently Zach had made a big mess in the bathroom. He splashed water out of the sink and somehow clogged it up too. Water was all over the floor. Another boy was eating toilet paper. He'll take it off the roll, dip in the toilet and then eat it. How gross is that? I hope he doesn't get sick from it. I feel for those girls. They are dealing with so many kids by themselves. I know Zach is a handful by himself and just throw a few more in the mix, I'd pull my hair out too. There's one teacher in there in the afternoons and if one kid has to go potty, she just kind of has to let him go by himself. She can't leave the rest of the kids in the classroom alone. A lot of times when I get there, I'll stay in the room and let the teacher help a kid in the bathroom or even run to the bathroom herself. Of course its against the rules, but I do it anyway. I've always done that and I'm sure I'm not the only mom that does it.

My coffee is cold now and I'm out of K-cups. Looks like I'm going to the store tomorrow too.

Wednesday, July 10, 2013

I went to the doctor yesterday. I hadn't been to see a family doctor since 2009 and decided it was high time to go. I love this new doctor. He's great! He's personable, he doesn't talk to me like I'm stupid, he listens, and he kind of reminds me of the kids' paediatrician. I told him I was wanting to get my all my blood stuff checked and he wrote me up a lab order for me to go anytime I want as long as I fast beforehand. I plan on going next week... well.. .I might go tomorrow. He also put me on Citalopram which is the generic brand for Celexa. It treats major depression. We talked. I knew I was depressed and told him that I just can't do it by myself anymore. I didn't know I had major depression. I guess deep down I knew, I knew that it was bad. The medicine also treats OCD and has some weird side effects. I believe it made me sick last night. I was up for an hour and a half with extreme nausea, hot flashes, dizziness and my hands were shaking pretty bad. I can't really confirm it was due to the medicine, so I'm going to try again tonight and see what it does. He said that it can also cause nightmares, but I already have those pretty bad. We talked about those too. He's super great. I still feel kind of weird today, but it could be due to lack of sleep. I even got up earlier this morning so I could go to a new spinning class before work, but I was the only one that showed up so it got canceled. I feel really bad for waking the kids up early. It seemed like a good idea at the time. Put them to bed a little early, get them up a little early and get some good exercise in.... but it didn't work out too well.

Went for a run last night but I didn't quite finish. My running app was messing up really bad. It quit beeping to give me running/walking intervals and then it paused by itself and I didn't know for a while. When I tried to unpause it, it wouldn't and then none of the buttons would work. So I just stopped it. Pretty glad I did because I was running out of time to get to the pharmacy to pick up my medication. I saw my short run as an ok thing because I was going to go to a spinning class in the morning.........

Lilly went to The Pottery Place yesterday with the Y. She said she painted me another coffee cup which I am super excited about. I'm still drinking out of the one she made me 2 years ago.

Hubby bought the kids new toys. We got Lilly a bigger bike that is purple and Zach got a bigger Power Wheels that is a 4-wheeler. They loved them. Zach still has trouble understanding that he can turn around without getting off to spin it. He ran into our cars a couple of times. He wasn't watching where he was going and rammed into hubby's truck. He turned it and rammed into my car. He slammed it in reverse and hit hubby's truck again and then he clicked it back to forward and hit my car. He wouldn't take his foot off the pedal. He's used to pushing a button with his thumb on the steering wheel. It was kind of comical. I told hubby he needs a helmet asap.

I started a chore list for the kids and they get money for doing things. Lilly is wanting to go to the camp out at the Y, its $30 (I thought it was $20) and she has to do $30 worth of chores. So far she only has $3. I put small amounts on the chores. Feed and Water Oreo is $1. Stacking the shoes is $.50. Sweeping is $.50. The only one that's above $1 is eating veggies and I made it $2. Zach only has $.50 so far because he gave Oreo a treat.

I wonder if the medicine messes with my appetite too because I haven't had breakfast yet and its about 3 hours past when I usually eat. I'm not hungry. Even my coffee is kind of grossing me out. Now its about lunch time and I'm still not hungry.

Today is actually going by pretty quickly even though I feel like I'm just sort of floating along. I need more sleep tonight.

I'm taking Friday off because the Y is having a family lunch and art show for the kids in day camp. So, I'll go and eat a hot dog and see some art and spend time with Lilly. Me and Zach will get up in the morning (Lilly will be at her father's), and I'll take him to day care. I'll go for a run before it gets too hot. I'll come home and take a shower and then go to the Y for lunch and pick Zach up and go home.

My pace per mile last night was around 12 mins!!!!! Yeah, I didn't finish, but I went for about 20 mins and my app was even messing up. It said that I did the 19th minute super slow. I was stopped trying to fix my app. I'm very proud of that time. I was running faster than I usually do and I sped up my walking time. I think when I go Friday morning, I'm not going to use the part of the app that tells me what to do. I'm going to go on my own and see how well I do. I'll still use the app to track my movements and my time and stuff. Oh, I just checked and the next activity is a 2.5 mile run, so I can use that. It doesn't beep for intervals when I do this.

I'm starting to get a headache now. Maybe I should go and try to eat something...

Monday, July 8, 2013

Rain. That's all I see anymore is rain. Its been raining on and off for 2 weeks now. A day doesn't go by when it doesn't rain at least a little. I'm so tired of the rain. Just give me one day off from the rain. I was supposed to go see mom yesterday, but the rain was just too much. The city's roads were flooded and mom's hill was nothing but mud. We didn't even get to set off fireworks Saturday because of the rain. The horrible sudden downpour of rain. Some of the fireworks got too wet and are now ruined. Zach burned his thumb on a sparkler. He touched it after it went out and before I could get to him. I was holding a baby and trying to help out all the kids with their sparklers and I just don't have enough hands. He's ok. He cried for a bit and we put toothpaste on it since we didn't have any burn cream. Then he smeared the toothpaste all over his head and he was sticky. No blister. I did get to see 2 of my brothers, my uncle and one set of grandparents yesterday so the day wasn't a total bust.

My weight is down to 183.2. Not really too much to celebrate. The weight loss is going very slow now. I need to get more active, but the rain is making it hard to get outside. I'm going to wait until I'm down to 180 before I completely go down a pant size. So, 3 more pounds and I can start digging out some old clothes. I can wear it now, but I want to wait. I really didn't get too much exercise this weekend. I was on my feet all day Saturday though.

My running is getting a little better. My time is still lower than I would like, but I can jog further distances without having to slow down and walk. I just really need to work on the walking and go faster.

Here's a bit of good news. The police station is hiring office personnel and I'm more than qualified. I'm applying and I have my fingers crossed that I get the job. I know a girl that works there and hopefully she can start telling everyone just how awesome I am. Its closer to home and closer to hubby's work. I asked the girl I know if me leaving every now and then to tend to the kids would be a problem and she said nope. She said that I get more than enough sick and vacation time and as long as I use that, they don't really care. Visiting family in the hospital will become a little of a problem since the hospital is a little further away. Dropping Lilly off to my grandma's would be more problematic since its further away and I don't think I could bring the kids in to work with me. I'm applying to it and I'll work out all the kinks later if I get it.

I was feeling a bit sick yesterday. I'm kind of glad I didn't get to go to mom's. After I got home from grandma's, I felt like someone just hit me with a bus. I laid on the couch and cat napped. I hardly ate yesterday too.. until about 10:00 at night when I got my appetite back. We watched Identity Thief last night and it was a very hilarious movie. I've been dying to see it and it was great. I've been quite disappointed in movies lately. The past few that we've rented, I've fallen asleep an hour into it. Django, Snitch, and a couple others I don't even remember the names to. I'm not saying they were bad movies, they just couldn't keep me awake.

OH, for the cookout on Saturday, Lilly made a fruit pizza. All I did was cut up the fruit for her and she did the rest all by herself. We bought strawberries and blueberries and she arranged them to look like the American flag. She did a great job on it.

My best friend's baby shower is a little more than a month away. We have nothing planned, really. We just got together on Friday to make lists of games, food, people to invite, prizes and whatnot. I'm excited. She's having a girl and I think they are going to name her Sadie. She's not having such a fun time being pregnant. I loved it! I loved everything about being pregnant and I would not hesitate to do it again. She said that she doesn't like the feeling of the baby moving, but I thought that was one of the best parts! I told her to play with Sadie. When she kicks, poke her foot. Put something on your belly for her to kick and push and play with. She only has 2 1/2 months left.

So, I took a break from typing this and went out for lunch. I went to the mall and tried on some bathing suits and I actually bought one. I haven't been in one since 2008. I took a picture of me in it and sent it to hubby making a weird face. I've still got a long way to go before I'm really comfortable in a bathing suit. Not to mention that I'm not a water person, but I will get in the pool for my kids. I'm trying to not care so much about what I look like now... as long as I FEEL good, that's all that should matter. I bought a size 14 and it fits. Its sad to me to be happy about a size 14 when I remember I cried the day I had to buy that size because my size 12 jeans were too small. A lot has happened these past few years. When me and hubby first got together, I was wearing mini skirts! Can you believe that? Now, its a rarity to see me in anything above my knee. But here's to a new me! I'm losing weight and getting back to where I want to be and I'm also learning to be comfortable in my skin and love myself. :-)

Wednesday, July 3, 2013

I just want to take this time to talk about what all I've accomplished on my mission to getting healthy and losing weight. I am now down 17.8 pounds and I can run almost half a mile without stopping. My pace per mile is right around 13 minutes. When I first started, my pace per mile was about 16. I'm very proud of that. I'm very proud of the fact that I am running now, that I CAN run. After high school I thought I would never run again. I thought the people that I saw out in town running were silly. I never knew the joy and the benefits of running until now.

I usually go running around the track at the middle school about two miles from my house. Sometimes I run to the track, sometimes I drive. Sometimes I'll run from my house to wherever I want to go and back. I was using my lack of time as an excuse to not run, but I've began to love it and I feel empty without it. Its my me time. Its my reflection time. Its my hour every other day to my path to a more healthy life.

I've made a doctors appointment for next week. Just a routine thing. I'll get my blood work done and see just how my health is at this point. I want to see the difference between now and 2009 when I last had it done. I had just quit smoking and was pregnant with Zach last time. I also did weigh less by about 10 pounds.

My food is healthier.... so much more healthier. I don't eat deep fried foods anymore. I hardly eat chips or candy. I'm eating way more fruits and veggies. I don't eat fast food. When I do eat out its usually somewhere like Subway. I eat fish now. I hadn't eaten fish since middle school.

I'm bringing this up because not only have I come such a long way, but my mom is back in the hospital for chest pains. She went in 2 days ago and is getting out today. Turns out that it was just her new medicine that was giving her problems. I am trying to push myself in the direction AWAY from heart disease. That's one of the things that scares me the most, having a heart attack. Mom's had 5. Her first one was exactly 13 years ago. She's had triple bypass surgery. She's had so many problems, and I'm trying to not repeat it. Heart disease and diabetes, along with high cholesterol and high blood pressure all run in both sides of my family. I'm hoping that by changing my lifestyle I can avoid all of these things. I'm also hoping that by changing my lifestyle, I can introduce the kids to a healthful life that they will keep with them even after they've moved out and had kids of their own.

Sunday I took Zach to the track with me because I really needed to run. Pushing his stroller became more of a problem than I thought. I got him out and he ran around the track with me. He ran one whole lap without stopping. I was so proud and he was so happy. He giggled the whole time. I hope I can keep both my kids active. Lilly loves to run and she loves sports. I just need to get her eating habits to change. Zach loves to be active and from the looks of it now, he's going to play baseball. He loves baseball.

I never thought in my life that I would end up obese. I never thought that I would ever not be healthy. I never thought that I couldn't eat whatever I wanted to anymore. I never looked at myself as a person that works out or watches what I eat. My first step was a year ago when I joined the gym. I didn't see any results from my membership and I went nearly every day for at least an hour and I worked hard.. but the problem was that I wasn't watching what I was eating. I thought I was, but I wasn't.

The first time I walked in that gym, I felt so weird. The first time I went running, I felt weird. Now it feels natural and I can't not do it anymore.