Living w/ an addict

Hi! I have been coming to this site for weeks and reading lots and lots of posts. I have learned so much here already. Thanks to all of you for sharing your stories.

I am engaged to a man who WAS in recovery, he was in Rehab,(inpatient), when he got out he went to meetings atleast 3 days a week, sometimes more. And he went to church every Sunday. This is what our relationship was based on. RECOVERY. I attended several open meetings with him, which I found very helpful. And I encouraged him to attend meetings.

In November of 2007, one month after his house arrest was lifted early for complying with all the terms of his probabtion early, he made a Doctors appt., never mentioning to me, that he was even having a problem. (he is still on felony probation for a DUI, and I did not learn about any of the Dr. stuff til Feb. 2008)

The Doctor gave him a mild nonnarcotic pain pill for his supposed shoulder pain, he took one. Two weeks later he returned to the Doctor and got Percocets. He was snorting them. When that script ran out, and he returned to Doctor, he told Doctor the pills were not helping, Doctor gave him Roxy's and Somas. ( he takes roxy's orally and snorts them)

All this was in December....from percs to Roxys...at that time he quit going to meetings....telling me he didn't need them. Our relationship was all he needed. He also quit going to church, I continued going....he just made excuses about work...or he made plans to go fishing, etc. So I really didn't WANT to see what was really going on I guess.

In February, one of the guys he was in rehab with son came into my work and told me that he was sorry to hear about what was going on with my "fiancee"(who I am now living with). I am like what??? He tells me pretty much everything I told you above. I am SHOCKED!! So that night I check his wallet....what do I find ROXYS!

I always leave first in the morning. Well the next morning....I pretended to oversleep...not feeling well. He goes in bathroom with wallet...and he is searching...and he comes out...and he is ******!!! But what can he say??

So the next weekend I go to his parents, mind youo he is 37 years old. But I need some support. I have no idea how to handle this. They have dealt with him and his addictions (alcohol and cocaine) for years. Seems like we are all on the same page.

Well.....the parents...after 2 weeks believe he isnt doing anything but taking them as perscribed. He had an appointment last Thursday. By monday morning he had 5 pills left from 90. He is buying them on the street...or from a guy that works for him.

I have confronted him. He said he is not hurting anybody. He said he is a drug addict...when he is ready to stop he will. He is taking 12 to 15 a day...not sure of the breakdown??? How many he is snorting versus how many he is taking orally.

So...lets see. I love him. We are engaged. We live together. We have 5 kids between us. I read on here to be there for the addict. I have been there. But the moodswings are ridiculous. He keeps saying he isn't hurting anyone. But he is. Oh and by the way, last week when he went back to Doctor on top of the somas and roxys he gave him darvocets too...***!!!

Please help me. My heart wants to be with this man and love him and embrace him and be there for him when he goes through wd's that I have read about on here.

But my head says. He doesn't love himself. How can he love me. He isn't even the same person anymore. I am the one depressed.

As he has abandoned all the networks of recovery, he is exhibiting textbook addictive behavior.

Be prepared to be there for him, in the event he comes to grips with his addiction.

For now, please concentrate on the five children and yourself, for there is not much you can do for him at this point(and I have a feeling that you don't want to notify anyone that he is violating the terms of his probation).

Funny....you use the word argue.....because I CANNOT have a discussion with this man anymore....he says "I am not going to argue with you."

No...I am not going to turn him in to his probabtion officer...he covered all the bases though he gave her a copy of his script....she just doesnt know he snorts and takes all the pill in 6 or 7 days.

I guess I came on here to hear something I didn't already know. I don't want to enable him. But I have no choice....I guess???

I just don't know. I am dealing with the kids. None of which have any idea about this....except my 16 year old daughter.....which doesn't make me feel to good because I have never been a drinker or a drug user and I have taught her that it is NOT acceptable. So now I am a HYPOCRIT?!!!

OMG!!!! Thanks...for being here!! And thanks for responding! All I get out of him is I will stop when I am ready.....but he is taking or snorting more and more and I am afraid that it will result in an overdose.

You do not have to argue or have discussions about drug abuse with this man. What is needed are boundaries set. Set the boundaries and be ready to stick to them.

I read on here to be there for the addict

To help someone through withdrawal is one thing. It is a very different thing to sit by and let one member of a household jeopardize evey single member of the household with his active addiction. Please get a firm grasp on the difference between an addict who is sincerely trying to stop abusing and an addict who is not ready to stop.

I would suggest some Al-Anon meetings pronto for you. The people there will give you first hand advice and guidance that will serve you well. Youir man's thinking is screwed up addictive thinking. Discussions with him are pointless... discussions with Al-Anon members will be productive. There are a lot of people in your household who have a right to live and live happily ( you included!). Because your man is in no position to be the one to see to this, it is going to fall on you as a responsible adult to take all the steps you can to ensure that happy, healthy household.

I appreciate it! That is what I was having the most trouble with....sitting back and ALLOWING this to go on!!! Trust me......I am on board!!!

He is not talking about STOPPING!!! He says he is not hurting anybody!! He is sorry I have a problem with what he is doing...yet, he admits he is a drug addict...and says he is not ready to stop, therefore, I am the one with the problem.

I will DEFINATELY look into the Al-Anon meetings! Thanks again. This web site is so very helpful to me right now.

I don't mean to be a pessimist, but it seems like he has a very long history with addiction and will need some serious intervention. This is going to take much more than meetings. I'm not an addiction specialist by any means, but I think he's a perfect candidate for long term methadone treatment, especially if he has some legitimate pain.

What do you think Reach, since you are the resident expert?

If he won't get some serious treatment, you may want to re-evaluate your relationship, because more than likely, this will continue indefinitely. Getting out sooner (than later) may be more advantageous.

He needs to "want" treatment....And, it sounds as if he is far from it. Again, methadone may be a good solution....Not sure.

I HONESTLY do not tnink he is in any pain that Aleve or Advil couldn't take care of....

This was very calculated. He was in rehab. Then out going to meetings, on probation, going to church, and he went to a Clinic known for passing out pills like candy.

He had never complained of pain. Don't get me wrong he was a left handed ptcher in high school I am sure he has some pain. But if his pain were legitimate he would have tried to use the nonnarcotic pain reliever. He did NOT. He took one.

AN intervention is something I have thought about....but...he keeps saying he will stop when he is ready. 12 to 15 20mg roxy's a day....darvocet(not sure how many a day) and somas(again, not sure how many he is taking).

I count the pills.....the amounts go UP and DOWN...he gets them from guys that work for him...so I really DO NOT know for sure how many a day. Except when he gets his new script of the Roxy's...hes out in 5 or 6 days....

I am looking into AL-Anon today.

It is easy to say get out now. I want to in my head. I know what would be best for me and my kids. But I worry about him and his kids. And I love him.

So....I went to an Al-Anon meeting tonight.....and guess what??? My man....didn't seem to happy about it....why would that be?

Please answer that one???/

The 5th Wed. of the month if there is one they have a guest speaker...so it wasn't a traditional meeting. It was 5 minutes from my house. I found one I can go to every other Friday night....when my kids are with there Dad...also very close to the house. And I will go back next Wed. night.

As strange as it sounds....I was nervous Like a little kid on the first day of school.