Climax is Coming, Orgasm is Becoming

by Farrah Lawrence Jan 25, 2016

“Climax is coming, Orgasm is becoming. You could go and acquire the Porsche - that has the rock sex appeal, the high performance, the suave... or you could become those things.” - Eli Block

Patterns of behavior are a bitch, aren't they?

Today was Day 2 of OneTaste's Healing course. I enrolled knowing something deep waited for me in the course, and the quote above is that thing. That key that just wasn't quite getting into the lock.

Today I saw this pattern of consumption and the ways it plays out in my relationships.

I grew up watching porn from a young age. My parents didn't talk about sex and I was fascinated by it from an early age. And I had internet access, so search away I did. I found the answers I was looking for. I learned to clear my search history.

But unknowingly, by getting my first understanding of sex from watching traditional porn, I got some very distorted views of what kinds of bodies are worthy of sex.

I do not look like those women. They were what was considered desirable, and I was none of those things. My logical conclusion was that I am not desirable.

This is a problem, because I'm hungry for sex and connection. I want to be desirable!

So what I've done is, I've enrolled every single one of boyfriends to carry the torch of my desirability for me. I've chosen them based on their innate attraction to me, and asked them to convince me I'm worthy. I've never even believed that they were telling the truth about the way they have enjoyed my body. I've always thought they were willing to lie to me to have sex with me. And I've always been willing to take the lie because I wanted the sex, too.

I've been buying the Porsche and hoping it could make me feel good enough to forget that I don't love myself just as I am. As my OM practice seeps deeper and deeper into all the crevices of my life, I see things I can't un-see. And this is one of them. I can't just carry on like I don't notice something's changed. It's time for me to grow. To practice something new.

So if Climax is coming and Orgasm is becoming, today marks the day I've officially begun becoming a beautiful human being worthy of sex. Just as I am.