I love this board and get so much good advice here. You guys are friends, not just cyber personalities. Working things out on a keyboard, though, is the only alternative for this sort of relationship. Without that option, worry is next up.

I worry a lot of people in my life, not on purpose, it just turns out that way. I stay away from people because I don't want to chase them away. Who I am inside is scary to me, it scares other people, too. I don't even tell my best friend when I indulge in SI anymore because it upsets her. I don't discuss suicide, wanting to be homeless, and all that other crazy crap. Still, I manage to push people away.

I'm so sorry if that's what I've done. And I'm sorry if I'm just adding fuel to the fire. I want to stop feeling like I'm f***ing up people's thoughts and feel like maybe I'm making the right decision for once.

Sid, please don't be pushed away. You're alone all the time. You need an outlet. I love you a lot. I've never met you, but your intensity and genuine concern drew me in. We're so much alike. Let me be the one to step away.

Sannah, you've been sticking by me so closely and your help is so valuable to me. I love you.

I'm still in therapy, I've still got a psychiatrist, I take my meds, and I'm around people all day.

Nikki,
This board is a safe place for us all to vent, share, cry, etc.... This is the only place, besides my therapist's office, that I let my true feelings out, too. Nikki, you are loved on this board - no matter what your thoughts are - no matter what you talk about. You are loved for being the kind, compassionate, intelligent, wise person that you are. This is a great place to be ourselves and it's a gift to be able to share and help each other along.
You haven't driven anyone away. Everyone here makes their own choices to stay or to take a break for a while. Sid knows that she is loved here, too. It will work out okay.

Dear Nikki...........I agree. you have done nothing to isolate or push any of us away. I'm reading all of your posts and at this point feel if I can't help and others are I am leaving it alone. It sounds to me like you OCD is at the fron to fthe line right now. You have been honest in your thoughts, you have protected yourself and gone back at others, which is a great accomplishment for you. You're so sad inside. Youdislike yourself so much that no matter what happens you put all of it on you. Nikki, i don't have the words to stop your thought process so i won't try. It's on you. I am trying to fgive you the space you need, but still be here for you. Sounds like you are in a whirlwind of emotions right now. One at a time!

Hi. I'm new here, but while reading and perusing, I couldn't help but notice all of you seem to have the very best of intentions, and so much love and warmth for one another at the core. This is more than an online community-it's like a family. Isn't this the stuff that keeps our inner animals intact, and strong? Happenstance I just came here, and two people I would really like to know better, are leaving; please don't leave.

Nikki, please do not leave the board. I guess this was a "triangle struggle". I was trying to speak up for you after sensing your need. I don't know if this was right or wrong. To me it doesn't matter because I don't function on the "perfection mode". I don't feel the need to be perfect or to get things exactly right or its over. This is communication. Messy, imperfect, human communication. Like ICC and I always say, open communication between friends and family can never be wrong. So you and Sid leave but I'm staying so that I can be messy once again and live my life and make mistakes. But I'm alive and I'll be making messy communication with people.

I'm in and out of the board today. I emailed healthboards to see how my account can be deleted. I'm afraid and confused.

I hurt too many people with things I can't help. That's not a pity party, it's the truth. I hurt people here in the real world every day, so hurting people in the cyber world, while not shocking to me, is disturbing.

I love you. Your communication skills are far from messy. I'm glad you spoke up for me. You can't imagine how great it feels to have somebody stand up for you when no one ever does. I could be me when you stood up for me instead of pretending to be the Rambo I'm not.

Many of us on this board probably have the typical 'fear of abandonment' issue. I know I do. And my fear is coming true again. I opened up, let someone down, and they left. I hurt, and I don't even know what the hell she looks like. You probably noticed that she and I are very much alike. My first response to a difficult situation is to run. I don't remember there being a time I didn't run, unless I was letting some pervert have their way.

I enjoy this board. Like artemesia said (btw, welcome again) this is a family. I know I'm not the only one feeling a ripping away at my heart, but fighting the urge to run is like beating my head against a brick wall - painful, pointless and bloody.

I didn't start a thread to announce my departure. I don't want to draw attention or start another mess. This is a cyber family. It's hard to turn your head to someone who can comfort you when a member of the family leaves because everyone sees and hears. No secrets, no discreet words. And, this time, it DID have something to do with me. How do I work THAT out in front of everyone? And how can I want to work anything else out knowing what I did. I feel like a thief with a job. How can I feel honest about my wage when I know I steal?

Oh Dear God Nikki........why do you feel like this and who did you hurt? If you're referring to Sid she's stronger and more put together than you think. Since she hasn't said why she is leaving temporarily let's assume it is becuase she is up to her head with problems of her own with Carlos and David. Maybe at his point she feels she can't offer anything else as she is buried in her own issues. What do you think? Possible? You have done nothing to upset the people on this board. We all have been in your shoes and thought we did something wrong. We didn't. Sid loves you with her whole heart. Maybe she thought SHe was causing you discomfort?? Give me your thoughts.

Nikki,
I agree with ICC on this one. Sid has a lot on her plate right now. Most of us do or will need to step back from these boards at some point, for our own reasons. You didn't make Sid leave, so stop blaming yourself. Do what you feel you need to do, Nikki - but, if you walk away from these boards, you are closing yourself off to one place where you can be yourself. You can let your thoughts out here without fear of being judged. You aren't hurting anyone here - you help someone everytime you post. Remember that, please. I understand your need to do what you feel is right, but I'll beg you just a little bit Please don't leave!

Nikki, it is true, we really don't know why Sid is taking some time off, she hasn't explained and we are assuming here. If this is why, you didn't do anything wrong, not at all! My ASSUMPTION is because I was getting on to her. Whatever Sid is leaving for, these are HER issues, not yours. I am not even going to take the blame for this one! I need to do what I need to do, especially since my intent was never to hurt anyone, and everyone else has a choice to respond however they like or however they are capable. I am not responsible for others and neither are you!

Nikki, PLEASE do not leave!!!!!!! Please stay and let me be your big sister who will continue to support you no matter what! Nikki, you stole nothing, you were simply expressing yourself and there was nothing wrong with this! We have nothing to hide in working this out. There is nothing to be ashamed of here. Working things out is what healthy adults do.

One of the curses of this condition is that it makes us paranoid, over sensitive and very vulnerable to slights both real and imagined.

You welcomed me with open arms to this board when I arrived, and I feel you've supported me when I felt down, particularly about my cat. I dont have any idea on how, or even IF I should beg you to stay. You'll do what you think is right for you.

What I would say is this. If the reason you're leaving is due to Sid's departure, it would be worthwhile thinking again. We all know how close the people on the board are figuratively, and like any close, GOOD family, we speak our minds and offer support. Sometimes we have good times, sometimes they are bad. I am sure that in truth, though we all may often feel that "our" post upset someone, most often than not, it is our paranoia that feeds this feeling of guilt.

On the flip side, sometimes when we read a post, we read it in a way unintended by the author. And in doing so (yes starting a sentence with "and" is poor grammar... sue me ! ) we may again, let our paranoia affect our perception of the intent. When such exchanges are about emotionally charged subjects or are between passionate people, it is easy to see how innocent comments can bounce back and forth in our minds and become a problem.

One of the useless facts I picked up somewhere is that the actual words of a conversation are actually a small part of the meaning. Something like 20%. The rest is non verbal communication. To think about what that mean, consider a popular four letter word beginning with F... Actually I'm sure you're all nice ladies and dont know which one I mean ! Think about what can be said with that single word, depending on how it's said and in what context...

That's the problem on message boards. We're getting perhaps 20% of the message. Sure smilies and LOL's might give another 10% but we're still missing out on body language, tone etc...

I believe that Sid's decision to depart for a while or longer, is due to her circumstances at the moment, and that she feels the need to drop something to give her some room to manouvre (sp ?) for a while. I'd hate to see either of you go because of some pixels on a screen that didnt convey how much you two care about each other.

Right... Enough talking from me. I hope you'll stay with us Nicki. If not, I wish you all the best, and hope you find the peace you're looking for.

mark......wonderful post. Thank you. Your words have much meaning to all of us. as far as the f word goes I have a friend who wanted to play the game one day. just how many different ways you can say it. we still laugh to this day. BUT you're right, when reading it's so hard to pick up the real meaning at times. since you can't see the person or pick up on their attitude sometimes we put more into it than is intended. PARANOIA!!!! US??????

....I need to do what I need to do, especially since my intent was never to hurt anyone, and everyone else has a choice to respond however they like or however they are capable. I am not responsible for others and neither are you!...Working things out is what healthy adults do.

You didn't hurt anyone. You boldy stepped up to help, and your words are always seasoned with kindness and truth.

You're right, you're not responsible for anyone else, and working things out is the healthy way.

I feel abandoned and I feel sorry for whatever I could have done that I didn't. Before she left, I had posted at the end of a message to Sid, "I run. You run." I said it so she'd know that I'm aware that's what we do. Soon after, she said she's leaving.

I don't want to go anywhere. It's my fallback plan to run. It's not fair. I used to check in at times so she'd know I wasn't dead. I wasn't looking for help, I didn't want to read posts, I just dropped in to let her know I'm alive.

Well, I just ran out of purpose with my post. I hope you're still logged in.