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‘Those Bunny-Ears Antennas’

The market is somewhere between a bear and a bull … burial? — Michael Feldman

Delta just announced that they’ll be canceling flights all over the country on a regular basis from now on. Wait, how is this news?

Researchers have shown that children tend to talk less to their caregivers when there is a television in the room. These same researchers will next try to see if children tend to eat less liver and onions when there is an ice cream cone in the room. — Neil Berliner

The amusement park company Six Flags plans to file for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection. The executives tried to sell it but buyers were turned off by a sign in front of its headquarters: “You must have a stack of money this tall to buy this company.” — Paul Seaburn, Spring, Texas

TV went digital on Friday, which means those bunny-ears antennas won’t work anymore. Unfortunately a shockingly large percentage of the population says switch has cleared up the static interrupting the instructions they get with their tin foil hats. — Robt Stupple

Iranian authorities have declared Mahmoud Ahmadinejad the winner of the recent presidential election with 62% of the vote, a much, much, better showing than predicted. And as a bonus, they also named him the senior senator from Minnesota.

Aides to Mahmoud Ahmadinejad are denying that he won the Iranian presidential election through systematic voter fraud and intimidation. “This was a perfectly legal and legitimate process,” said his campaign manager, Ramzi bin Yousef Blagojevich.

Sarah Palin and her family are furious at David Letterman for a joke implying that her 14-year old daughter was impregnated by Alex Rodriguez. Ahhhh that Letterman. I always knew he was three years ahead of his time.

Letterman apologized to Sarah Palin about a joke he made about her daughter. A lot of people said, “That’s not funny”, which is odd because that is exactly what I said about McCain’s choice of running mate.

Father Figure
Sunday is Father’s Day. Even if you failed, Dad was always there with words of encouragement. “I told you so.”

Extended Exit
Extended Stay Hotels has filed for bankruptcy protection. You can tell they’re hurting for money. They promise a free continental breakfast. But the continent they refer to is Antarctica.

Rowling Rip
J.K. Rowling’s publisher denies an accusation she plagiarized in “Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire”. The firm released a stinging rebuttal. “It was the best of times. It was the worst of times…”

CMT Time
The CMT awards were handed out Tuesday night in Nashville. The post ceremony party was the most luxurious ever. Attendants served a 2005 petite chewing tobacco.

Tehran Turmoil
Iran is in turmoil. You have to suspect there wasn’t much oversight in the recent vote counting. This year’s election observer was Sheik Omar Abdel-Rahman.

Net Usage
A study says internet use is cutting in to family time. Researchers want to know why. They’re asking homes to take a 30 minute survey at familytimeisbeingdepleted.com.

Big Bertha
The U.S. Open Golf Tournament begins. Tiger Woods is the heavy favorite. He gets in the hole quicker than AIG.

Draft Dodging
The NBA draft is coming up next week. Young superstars will be wined and dined and won’t have to lift a finger. Or, as they call it at the University of Memphis, “SAT Saturday”.

Mel Moans
Mel Gibson and girlfriend Oksana Grigorieva have written a song. They will include it on a CD with one of his all time favorites. “Ninety nine bottles of beer on the wall, 99 bottles of beer…”

Cruise Missile
A passenger on a Carnival Cruise liner was rescued safely after falling off the ship. He received standard treatment. A check for injuries in the sick bay and a charge for an off boat excursion.

A new study says that dreams and sleep are powerfully connected to the processing of human emotions. In a related story, Republicans haven’t been getting much sleep in the last 50 years.

At the annual AMA conference in Chicago yesterday, President Obama pressed doctors to back his health care overhaul efforts. The doctors listened attentively and then said they can’t make any decision until they first do an MRI, CAT Scan, EKG, lab work, hit the president on the knee with a rubber hammer, collect a $35 co-pay and make him fill out 12 pages of paperwork, especially the HIPAA privacy form.

After reading about the David Letterman / Sara Palin fiasco, the estate of Henny Youngman released this statement: “Our beloved Henny was speaking about his own wife, NOT about Sara Palin’s 14 year old daughter, and the word ‘take’ was in no way meant to imply permission for anyone to have improper sexual relations with an underage girl. Still, we apologize for any misunderstanding.”

O.J. Simpson’s so-called “lucky suit”, which he wore when his “not guilty” for murder verdict was announced 14 years ago, has just been found. Unfortunately, there has been less luck in 14 years of attempts to clean his so-called “lucky underwear”.

In a recent study, Britons were shown a human anatomy chart, handed a pointer, and asked to point to the heart. 70% could not find it. They were then handed a toothbrush, and asked to point to their…oh, forget it.

Sarah Palin says she accepted David Letterman’s apology “on behalf of all young women, like my daughters, who hope men who `joke’ about public displays of sexual exploitation of girls will soon evolve.” Then she got a call from Alex Rodriguez letting her know that he didn’t go for teenagers but he thought women who fought comedians were really hot.

Twitter delayed a scheduled downtime for maintenance in order for Iranians and others trying to get news out about the post-election protests to keep going. Twitter knew things were serious when not a single one of the millions of tweets coming out of Iran said, “I’m not doing anything. What are you doing?”

Weird Al Yankovic has released a new single called “Craigslist” in which he pays homage to the Doors and does a Jim Morrison impression. Weird Al Yankovic trying to do Jim Morrison makes him look like the Lounge Lizard King.

A pregnant woman graduating from Columbus State University in Ohio was bumped to the front of the line to receive her diploma so she could be rushed to the hospital after having labor pains. Fearing her water might break and remembering the advice from the movie “The Graduate,” she wore a plastic gown.

General Motors announced an agreement to sell the Swedish automaker Saab to Koenigsegg, a small company that makes high-performance sports cars. For the first time in recent months, nobody at Saab was sobbing.

Companies that sell seeds are reporting that business is up sharply this year in the U.S. as consumers try to save money by growing their own vegetables. Except in California, where the most popular seeds are any whose vines grow high enough to hide marijuana plants.

Duke University engineering researchers have created a technology that allows a person to write a note in the air with their cell phone and send the message to an e-mail address. It’s dangerous enough that people are talking and texting while driving. Now they’re be waving their phones in front of their faces trying to erase what they just wrote.

Researchers in the Netherlands have confirmed that a 60,000-year-old skull fragment found in the North Sea is from a young adult male Neanderthal. This proves that Neanderthals could swim but couldn’t read signs saying “Watch out for sharks and sea monsters.”

According to sleep researchers, sleep disturbances are more common in people who are unmarried, unemployed or have lower education or income. So if you can’t sleep, forget Sominex … rob a bank and use the money to join a dating service.

Bob Bogle, lead guitarist and co-founder of the rock band The Ventures, passed away at the age of 75. His last words were that he was going to walk, not run, toward the bright light.

The FDA advised that use of the cold remedy Zicam may lead to a loss of the sense of smell. The manufacturers of Zicam immediately announced a sales promotion of their product whick will be launched in the street entrances to New York subways during the month of August.

Protestors battled police in Tehran Sunday over the disputed reelection of President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. The primary dispute is over votes coming in from precincts in Dade County.

Simon Cowell was seen wiping lipstick from his face as he and Ryan Seacrest were leaving a famous strip club in London last week at 3:30 a.m. It was not Ryan’s color.

In Alaska, after a huge effort to remove rodents, Rat Island is now free of them. The island had been inhabited by Norway rats and Bristol Palin’s old boyfriends.

The hit comedy “The Hangover” was No. 1 at the box office after pulling in $33.4 million. Luckily, the film is NOT about Rush Limbaugh’s beltline.

Phish closed the big Bonnaroo Music Festival in Tennessee, Sunday night. That would explain why two-thirds of the very confused crowd brought buckets of night crawlers.

Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu for the first time endorsed a separate Palestinian state. He wants it to have no army and he wants it located just south of Winnemucca, Nevada.

The LA Lakers won the NBA championship Sunday night in Orlando. Following the game, Shaquille O’Neal used Twitter to send Kobe Bryant a message. Half of Twitter’s 140 characters are used up when Shaq signs his name.

A new study finds that men can increase their sperm count by eating more fruits and vegetables. Who would have guessed that half of the NBA is vegetarians?

An umpire in Burlington, Iowa ejected an entire crowd of more than 100 people from a high school baseball game for being unruly. The contest then continued in silence, much like a Washington Nationals game.

George Obama, President Obama’s half brother has written his memoirs, to be out in 2010. At first he was nervous about writing, but after reading Paris Hilton’s book he realized a cave man could do it.

A mathematician from Norway has discovered a new prime number. A prime number is divisible by one and itself. Only 47 exist in the history of man. About equal to the number of good movies from Hollywood.

The latest sports rumor is Rush Limbaugh is buying the St. Louis Rams. Practically speaking there’d be no change. After all, the last owner was a loud mouthed nancy too.

A Miami priest who left the Catholic Church amid an uproar over published photos of him kissing his girlfriend on the beach made the relationship official Tuesday, marrying her. He vowed to love and obey her. But it won’t last. That’s the same thing he vowed to God.

Nevada Senator and GOP presidential hopeful John Ensign admitted to having sex with a campaign staffer. No word if the staffer was Alex Rodriguez.

The New York Times has reported that Sammy Sosa failed a drug test in 2003, despite the fact that he told a congressional hearing, “I have never injected myself or had anyone inject me with anything.” And he said it would be impossible to hit a home run while trying to hold in a steroid suppository.

Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor defended her membership in an elite women-only club and said the group includes men in many of their activities. I believe most of the men work for Chippendale.

A 74-year-old amateur gardener who just won 40 million dollars in a lottery says he is going to use the money to learn how to grow better carrots. Like maybe fertilizing the soil with twenty dollar bills.

Sarah Palin is already moving on after coming out on top in a nasty dogfight-brawl with a late-night comic. Next up, mud-wrestling a roller-derby star in Dayton, Ohio, and a knife fight with a mouthy proctologist in Grand Forks, North Dakota. Go get ’em, Sarah! You’ve proved you’re presidential timber!

A new law went into effect in California Monday putting a 90-day moratorium on home foreclosures. The law came at a bad time for the ABC Television Network, who were about to begin filming on their latest series, “America’s Funniest Home Foreclosures.”

Mir Hossein Moussavi, the ‘loser’ in the Iranian election, is very despondent. He says he regrets the day he threw his turban into the ring. In fact, he’s taking some advice from Al Gore. Mousavi’s going to gain some weight, grow a long beard and start wearing a robe. Yup, he’s running for Ayatollah.

The supreme leader of Iran, President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has called for a partial recount of votes to quell Iran’s worst crisis since the Islamic revolution of 1979. Unlike the famous recount in Florida, the term “hanging chads” in Iran will refer to the officials who get the vote count wrong. Again!

The F.D.A. has issued a warning against using a cold medication that causes people to not be able to smell things. Interestingly, one group of sufferers was found to actually derive significant benefit from this side effect: fans of the Washington Nationals.

NASA has delayed yet another shuttle launch due to technical problems. They plan to bring in consultants from nearby Orlando, who have had no trouble whatsoever launching “Space Mountain” every 3 minutes for the past 35 years.

Father’s Folly
Father’s Day is Sunday. Like it or not, you always knew Dad’s position on the issues. Horizontal on the couch.

Fly Catcher
President Obama killed a fly during an interview with CNBC. This isn’t the first time he’s been bothered by a pest in the White House. At Cabinet meetings, he often has to listen to Joe Biden.

Capitol Affair
Senator John Ensign of Nevada admits to an extra-marital affair with an ex-staffer. Long time colleague Larry Craig of Idaho questions the behavior. “This guy likes girls?”

No Space
MySpace has cut its workforce by 30 percent. The layoff notices were tacky. “You have 3 assignments today online. Search for forums, groups, and a job.”

Zicam Zapped
The FDA has issued a warning on Zicam’s nasal spray because it could damage sense of smell. The folks in marketing had tried to spin it positive. “Doesn’t give off bad odors.”

Sosa Steroids
Former Cub great Sammy Sosa reportedly tested positive for a PED in 2003. Teammates suspected something once by a double off the wall. He had squared around to bunt.

Strahan Love
Former NFL star Michael Strahan is engaged to Eddie Murphy’s former wife Nicole. He gave her the key to his heart. His ex-wife has the keys to everything else.

Grinder Gripe
Starbucks is recalling 530,000 coffee grinders over a faulty switch. Customers returning them can expect a 6 week turnaround. The guy in the front of the line is ordering 8 drinks for his work.

Lindsay Larceny
Lindsay Lohan is accused of stealing jewelry from a photo shoot. She denies even wearing bling. The only rock she carries around is cocaine.

Pot Mart
Rhode Island is now the third state to allow marijuana stores for chronically ill patients. There will be only one depository on the East Coast with more inventory. Michael Phelps’ car.

The Mexican Navy discovered a huge methamphetamine lab with enough ephedrine to produce more than 40 tons of the drug, or about 309 million individual doses. The Mexican Navy discovered the lab after noticing highly-agitated fish developing legs so they could walk to it.

The Mexican Navy announced it has seized more than a ton of cocaine hidden inside the carcasses of frozen sharks onboard a freighter. Crew members involved with the smuggling were identified by teeth marks on their nostrils.

A woman in Bristol, England, decided to call off her wedding after finding out her fiancé was a porn star. If she’s disappointed now, wait until she finds out the rest of the single guys in Bristol can’t press the buttons in an elevator without using their hands.

In a CNBC interview, President Obama said that there’s one television network that’s “entirely devoted to attacking my administration.” He didn’t mention any names to avoid giving them free publicity, so now the people at the Fox News Channel are referring to him as “one president.”

China’s Health Ministry issued medical guidelines on sex change surgery and one of the requirements is that candidates must get police approval before the procedure. When she heard the news Chastity Bono vowed to stop eating Chinese food, which put dozens of Chinese restaurants near her home out of business.

The FDA says consumers should stop using Zicam Cold Remedy nasal gel and related products because they can permanently damage the sense of smell. This could explain why the product was so popular in New Jersey.

Scientists studying dust storms on Mars say they have detected the first direct evidence of lightning on the planet. This is bad news for any astronauts hoping to play golf on the first trip to Mars.

At the 2010 World Cup qualifier soccer match between South Korea and Iran, the Iranian team members wore green wristbands as a sign of solidarity. What really motivated them was when their coach covered the ball with pictures of Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

Twitter has become the number one tool for young people in Iran to get information to the world about the demonstrations, violence and election fraud there. It has also become the number one way for young people in the U.S. to find out where Iran is.

Former Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O’Connor has agreed to appear on the “Late Show with David Letterman.” She got a call from Sarah Palin warning her to take pepper spray and wear a chastity belt.

Police in Oklahoma City arrested a woman at a Target store who had stuffed 33 Blu-ray discs into her pants. She got caught trying to convince a security guard that her square butt was caused by sitting in a really small lawn chair.

Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton had dinner with eight of her living predecessors, including Henry Kissinger, George Shultz, James Baker and Colin Powell. They got together to discuss North Korea, but after a few drinks they were all doing Rush Limbaugh impressions.

Sean Penn has dropped out of the upcoming “Three Stooges” movie in which he was cast as Larry. Rumor has it he thought the curly-haired wig he had to wear made him look too much like Phil Spector.

Weatherman Al Roker conducted a harsh interview with Heidi and Spencer Pratt on the Today Show yesterday. Spencer may have been baptized by Stephen Baldwin, but he was crucified by Al Roker.

Sarah Palin accepted David Letterman’s apology for jokes he said about her daughter. She decided to hang a picture in the wall space she had reserved for Letterman’s head.

R&B singer Usher filed for divorce Friday from his wife of less than two years. Sure, he is showing her the door, but he’s Usher, so he’s using a little handheld flashlight.

41-year-old actor British Daniel Craig is ready to start filming the 23rd James Bond movie, which will be released in 2011. Potential titles of the film include, “Hemorrhoids are Forever”, “A Quantum of Maalox”, and “For Your Prostate Only”.

Researchers at the University of California have found that male hummingbirds trying to impress females can fly faster than a fighter jet. You see there ladies? In nature, fast is good!

A recent study shows that as Internet usage increases, time spent with family members decreases. But, you can always see mom and dad’s avatars right before you blast them with the Mega-Charged Impulse Beam of Death.

Katie Holmes will reportedly join the cast of “So You Think You Can Dance.” At least that’s the guise they’re using on this week’s edition of “Intervention”.

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A note to readers: This post is the last for the Laugh Lines blog, started three years ago as a place for amusing stuff on the Web, curated to the sensibilities of Times readers. The blog’s end is a function of the reality of limited resources in a medium where any number of worthy experiments are possible, but all can’t be sustained.Rest assured, our regular, outside feed of editorial cartoons will remain available via links on The New York Times home page and the Crosswords & Games and Week in Review section fronts. Thanks to our loyal readers and contributors, and regrets. — The editorsRead more…

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