I can’t say what they had for lunch but observed Mark Gillespie (who didn’t actually play) loading jam onto toast for a late breakfast on the first day of NZ’s tour match in Canterbury. I think it was raspberry.

in sri lanka it used to be a big bad plate of rice and curry. hence the arjuna ranatunga’s, duleep mendis’s, and asanka gurusinghe’s of the 80s and 90s. those on the fringe had to battle for scraps, giving professional 12th men like upul chandana a chance to slip under the door rather than merely get a foot in it.

i dunno what they eat these days but it’s clearly far less wholesome – explaining the lack of big hitters (post sanath J) and the disappearance of the professional 12th man. for shame.

Ramprakash always gets a huge cheer upon leaving the cricket field. This is in the vain hope that he’s worked up an appetite with his batting and therefore might finally fulfill his lunching potential.

Well that would explain why Chris Read was dropped from England. His missus must have over done the cucumber sandwiches in the pavilion and skimped on the fondant fancies. Nothing like a cricketers wife scorned I expect. I know mine is a forced to be reckoned with, but then I’m only 2% cricketer so far…

Well, I used to have great sympathy with Chris Read’s treatment by the selectors, but not now, I can tell you! Cucumber sandwiches have to be the dullest, most characterless and taste-free snack in the whole bread-based food spectrum.

Matt, Matt, Matt! Such rage.
We all know you’re a man who likes his meat, but why so harsh on the cucumber butties? A bit of salad creme and they come out a treat. The cucumber it there as texture more than anything.

Ramps’ eating habits mirror his batting strategy – he prefers not to stuff himself with the first meal offering of the day; lulling the other players into a false sense of security by letting them stuff their faces during the lunch break. This ensures that they all make a beeline for the toilets during tea leaving him to gorge upon his favourite fruitcake.

People think that his Bloodaxe nickname derives from his displeasure at a poor batting performance. This is entirely untrue – it was when budgetary constraints at Middx led to the tea ladies only providing Tesco Value Swiss Rolls.