Everyone knows it’s rude to talk during a movie, but once the credits roll, you’re bound to have an opinion that needs, nay demands, sharing. Every other week in Post Movies experts, artists and movie buffs dissect a recent release. It’s fun. It’s healthier than nachos. It’s the Popcorn Panel.

• Alison Broverman is the grand witch of the Popcorn Panel. But she’s a good witch. Please don’t sic Gemma Arterton on her. • Jesse Champagne is a freelance writer based in Toronto. He writes for music blogs, media companies, ad agencies and entertainment blogs. No covens, though. • Alexander Huls is based in Toronto and has written about film for The New York Times Magazine, The Atlantic, Film School Rejects and Flavorwire.

This week’s movieHansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters (really!)

Alison Occasionally in this gig, we’ll come across a movie so gobsmackingly terrible that it feels like a public service to see it and then warn everyone else not to. Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters is such a movie. Who is this movie even for? It has the cheesy art direction of a family-friendly fairy tale movie, but the over the top violence and gore of an exploitation film. In theory, I should be furious about the film’s blatant misogyny, but the whole exercise is just so stupid that I can’t muster much more than an eye roll.

Jesse What a complete mess of a film. There is absolutely nothing of substance in H&G:WH — the plot was paper-thin, the writing and dialogue was childish and the acting atrocious. I would love to know how they conned Jeremy Renner into starring in this movie; it’s upsetting to see an actor of his caliber wasted in a film like this.

Alex The whole time watching this I couldn’t help but think that director Tommy Wirkola might be the world’s only hardcore Van Helsing fan. Because that’s basically what this movie is, just with more gore and incompetence. Of all the cinematic crimes you guys listed, the one I found most egregious is how these two are the most unconvincing action heroes I’ve ever seen. We’re supposed to buy they’re professional bad-asses (complete with fanboy), yet their style of fighting involves them losing and getting pummeled for five minutes before rallying to win in one second. Which brings me to Alison’s misogyny point. It’s one thing for the movie’s incompetence to make me uncomfortable. It’s another to see how much it seems to relish beating Gemma Arterton and a slew of other women senseless.

Alison I do like (read: laughed at derisively) how the movie makes the lamest attempt at a lesson with Renner’s halfhearted voiceover saying, “not ALL witches are bad — we know that now. But most of them are. And if you’re a bad witch, we’re coming for you with our annoying sidekick and our troll.” I’ve never cared for Arterton, so I don’t mind if she wastes her time in this garbage. But Renner? What are you doing, Hawkeye? Are you still being mind-controlled by Loki or something?

Alex What I love about Renner’s shoe-horned voiceover epiphany at the end is that a big reason he learned that not all witches are bad, is basically because a hot one slept with him. I’m inclined to give Renner maybe more of a break than you guys just because this movie was made supposed to be released (March 2012) before he really broke through. My defense of him falls apart when you counter that he still picked this part. While I’m being defensive, can we at least say how nice it was to see a movie rely so heavily on good old-fashioned practical effects? Especially Edward the Troll. (His name is Edward!) It almost made up for all the weird random swearing.

Alison Yeah, Edward’s all right, I guess. And it’s true that real puppetry and prop building is much more fun than crappy CGI, even in a crappy movie. This is maybe a dumb complaint to have about such a ridiculous movie, but the lack of consistency in witch mythology is frustrating. Who are these witches? Where do they come from? Why is there only one dude witch at their big crazy witch party at the end? What exactly do they do, aside from eat children and plan for blood moons? And if that super bad witch is capable of looking like Famke Jansen, why doesn’t she look like Famke Jansen all the time?

Jesse The answer to all your questions is simple: the people behind this film didn’t care about putting out a good product; the bottom line is all that matters. It continues a disturbing trend in Hollywood to shovel out bad films during the early months of a new year and hope the public is dumb enough to be fooled. Unfortunately, it usually works. Looking at the opening numbers in the US it seems they were successful, to a degree. What is most annoying to me is that I know good action films can be made if a little effort is put in (hello Joss Whedon).

Jesse The Jack you know from children’s stories — Jack and the Beanstalk, Jack and Jill, Jack Be Nimble, Jack Frost, Jack O’Lantern, Jack Sprat, and Jack the Giant Killer — are all the same man. Or should I say, all the same young trickster. Watch Jack grow from an arrogant, thoughtless young man into the hero he always told people he was. Sounds a lot better than the upcoming Jack the Giant Slayer, doesn’t it?

Alison We’ve already had Snow White and the Huntsman, so how about a Sleeping Beauty in which the beauty in question has mad sleep fighting powers. Princess by day, unconscious fighting machines by night.

Alex I know we’re probably all burnt out with Snow White imaginations, but how about this. The Evil Queen is a crime lord of a big syndicate. Snow White is the daughter of a rival mob the Queen had killed. She fears Snow White will want revenge so she sends one of her hitmen to kill her, but the hitmen lets her go. Snow White then meets the Seven Dwarves and with them plans a heist to rob the Evil Queen of her money and secure her revenge.

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