Hello folks. I apologize for my absence ’round these parts lately (if you missed me, that is). My manpanion and I moved into a new apartment together over the weekend and I am still totally beat. We don’t have television or Internet yet, which is a real drag. But we are making progress and settling into our new routine.

I have lived by myself for three of the past five years, and loved it. But for various reasons, it’s time for us to take this step. I am optimistic that it will go smoothly–once we get situated. I happen to think the perfect living arrangement would be a duplex occupied by one partner on one side and the other partner next door. But we’ve got to save some money first!

If you have cohabited in the past, or live with your partner now, what did/do you think of it? Any advice for this first-timer?

27 Responses to “SarahMC does cohabitation”

Congrats on taking that step! I agree with you about the ideal living arrangement, and I’ve had two cohabiting experiences that helped push me in that direction…. My only suggestions would be to practice saying “Oh whatever” over and over again so when you see That Household Thing that you would NEVER do and they ALWAYS do (or vice-versa) you just say “oh whatever” and do it/leave it done without forming resentment… My biggest problem was seeing dishes/clutter/laundry done in one way and instead of just doing it my way when it was my turn, setting off on a campaign of “I Must Change Them!!!!”

Depending on your various levels of expectations regarding tidiness: CHORE CHARTS CHORE CHARTS CHORE CHARTS. Not romantic, but you sit down once, decide what needs to be done, split it up, and agree to abide by the chart. Nip bickering in the bud.

Ooh. I am going to start cohabiting with my boyfriend at the end of July. He’s moving into my place for at least a few months (maybe permanently? It depends on how things pan out job-wise and such), and I am both excited and nervous. We’re doing a test run week soon, where he will come stay for a full week so we can uncover any major problems. My situation will be especially interesting since I have a fairly regular daytime work schedule and he generally works evenings. Most of the time we spend together will be while we are asleep.

Mazel tov, Sarah! I think the biggest thing, other than chore divisions, is to make sure it’s clear with both of you what’s your space, his space, and shared space, especially since you’re both used to living alone. I’ve found it’s important to have a couple of areas that are just yours to arrange however you want (desk, closet, whatever) so that there is a place that’s just yours, where you don’t have to compromise. It makes compromising about everything else easier.

2) Try to replace “his” and “her” things with “our” things, but keep the “his” and “her” things in storage, JIC.

3) After a month or two, calculate average living expenses based on known quantities, and then split the total in half, and each contribute their half to pay those bills. Hopefully this means you each have your own little pot of dough left over from each paycheck to use for yourself.

4) Schedule together time and apart time in equal measure, to be sure you are spending enough quality time together, as well as spending enough time for yourselves.

I wanna add two things: 1) plan for time apart, even if/when you’re both home. When the Dude and I moved in together, we had almost two of everything and two bedrooms, so we each had our own end of the apartment and a place to be alone. This is really important if you need alone time, as I do. 2) expect that there will be some clashes as you get used to the new situation. It’s a change, and change can make anyone irritable and snappy. A few fights doesn’t mean that it’s doomed.

As an introvert, I will definitely lend support to the previous commenters who mentioned the need for taking time out for yourself. I live with an extrovert, and sometimes he forgets that I just need time to myself, so I have to remind him.

Don’t be afraid to ask for what you need, and be ready to address the possibility of your partner finding those needs unreasonable. As with any other conflict management situations, try to always be rational, and expect the same from your partner. (or, if you must be irrational at times – as we all are on occasion – admit this up front)

I have found that cohabitating gets easier with time. Although I still want to wring his neck about the dishes sometimes. Chore charts ftw.

I completely agree about duplexes as a solution for wanting to live with someone but not all the fucking time.

I would advise splitting expenses by percentage of income instead of just half-ing them, because if one person has a much smaller income they will be doubly punished for it by paying a lot more of their total take home pay for necessities and also having less money left over for their incidentals.

My now husband and I moved in together after three and a half years of dating. We were both nervous about it, since we had each lived alone for a long time and like our space, and our home now is tiny.
Three things that worked for us:
1) Draw up a contract of sorts that sorts out expenses and what gets split and what gets paid individually in detail (are both names on the lease? Whose name is on utilities? What’s your monthly budget for groceries, etc.), what stuff goes into storage and what stuff is kept (we kept his coffee maker and my toaster oven), and who does what household chores (I cook, he cleans. We each do laundry, he gardens, vacuums, I dust and scrub the bathroom). Agreeing on all this stuff beforehand is the best way to avoid trouble in future, and some things can still be amended, like there may be some chores that can be traded, expenses amended, etc.
2) Both parties are on the exact same page about where the cohabitation will lead. Is one of you wanting to get married but the other is unsure? That would be a problem. Neither should move in with the hopes that matrimony may be an option in the future if it isn’t. You’ve got to decide where this is eventually going because living together is a big deal. My guy and I both decided we were going to try cohabitation for a year. If it worked, we would get engaged and then marry. And we got married.
3) What happens if the cohabitation doesn’t work? Who moves out? Do both parties leave? How do you settle mutual expenses?
What if one person is ill or out of work? Are you willing to put hostilities aside and help make the breakup as smooth as possible? Better to talk about it beforehand, have a plan, and hope for the best.
I realize none of this sounds romantic, but neither is arguing over who is going to wash the dog because you never decided that ahead of time, or wind up stuck with all the rent because one party decided to bail.
One last thing: I wouldn’t recommend joint accounts unless you decide to get married. And even if marriage is an option, keep individual bank accounts. Each spouse should have an idea of how much money the other has, but being an independent adult means managing your own finances.

I’m with PhDork- make sure you divide up the chores right away so everyone knows what’s expected of them. Sounds small but can make a huge difference later on. I hope you like cohabitation- definitely one of the best decisions I ever made!

I’ll add another voice to the “make sure you both have the opportunity for alone time” chorus. You might feel some weird pressure to do everything with your manpanion, or others may expect that you and your manpanion will do everything together because you now live together. It does not have to be that way.

Also, this is stating the obvious, but expect some bumps in the road. It’s an adjustment, and a big step in the relationship. Not everything is bound to go smoothly, and there may be a bit of tousling before things fall into a comfortable routine. That tousling does not = OMG our relationship is falling apart!!!

Finally, the husband and I seem to be in the minority here in that we don’t have chore lists, or any formula for or up-front deal about for splitting expenses. For the most part, things just sort of work themselves out and if either of us is feeling uncomfortable about the division of labor or expenses, we’re quick to pipe up, talk, and adjust accordingly. We check in quite often with each other to make sure that there’s nothing bubbling under the surface and all is cool. All of which is to say that different systems work for different couples, but at the end of the day it’s about good communication.

In terms of expenses, 50/50 works for roommates, but not so much for lovers if your partner and you have a significant difference between your salaries. Cohabitation is more of a each/own means/abilities split.

It can also be a matter of my-employer’s-plan-covers-my-boyfriend-health-insurance-so-he-pays-for-my-cell-phone-plan. Or, I-pay-for-groceries-and-he-pays-for-dinners/dates/bars/movies.

Another tip: we opened a joint checking account. We each direct-deposit something more than half the rent each month. The joint account is for rent and utilities; leftovers are for repairs to or purchases for the apartment, food if we’re both low on cash, etc. We can also dip into it for vacation funds.

I don’t find that chores cause any stress or friction: he cooks, I bake; he usually takes out the trash; whoever’s home when the sink or hamper gets full washes things; neither of us minds scrubbing the bathroom.

I’ve never lived with a romantic partner, but I’ve been roommates with a close friend for 5 years, so I think I have some applicable advice. I think it’s important to strike a balance between nagging and holding everything in. If one of you is a non-complainer, it’s a good idea to agree up front that if something is bothering one of you that person will (nicely!) tell the other person about it. It’s no fun to always be wondering whether the other person is annoyed by something you do or feels like the chore balance is unfair.

When I moved in with BF (relatively recently) my one friend who lives close by gave me the spare key to her place and told me to use it in case of emergency (ie if I needed to ESCAPE for a night or something.) I haven’t used it yet but it was comforting.

We may be in the minority, but we’ve been cohabitating for 16 years and we each have separate bedrooms. We usually DON’T sleep separately, but the option is there if either of us needs the space. And definitely we each have our own crap in our own rooms. If we have guests, one of the bedrooms becomes the guest room – and the one that does is determined based on whose family member the guest is, or who has known the friend longest.

Yes, this relies on the priviledge to afford a two bedroom place, but it sure works for us. We are both people who need our own space.

Most everything I would advise has already been said, but I do want to repeat the first one. You have to believe that you do NOT know the one, right way to do everything. Divide up the chores so you each have an equal-ish amount of time spent with daily, weekly and occasional tasks but don’t try to parcel every single thing out minutely. And whatever is HIS to do is HIS to do, unless his way is a safety hazard. In which case you may need to take that task over and give up something else. Otherwise, just let it go, if you want to make it to the long haul.

As for sleeping arrangements, we have one king sized bed but we each have our own comforters, and we use matching duvet covers so the bed looks coordinated. No fights over covers or “it’s too hot / it’s too cold”. (Plus, with just comforters in duvet covers, it’s very easy to make the bed! Score!)

When my partner moved in with me, we totally divided up the chores list. I was very concerned that I would end up being the MomGirlfriend who just ends up doing all the washing up because in my family, the daughters were taught and expected to become good Wives, and I was a latchkey kid who took care of my older brother and younger sister, cleaned the house every weekend, and made dinner several times a week by the time I was 12, while my partner had a more lax upper-middle-class, no real chores upbringing. So we were all, Ok you do the vacuuming and the sweeping, I’ll do the bathroom, we’ll cook and wash dishes together! Awesome!

Now we just live in filth and clean up every couple of weeks or when we have company coming over. It’s nice. It’s easier.

I have to say that moving in with him was one of the best ideas ever. We are freakishly compatible, and there really were no bumps in the road/things to deal with that we didn’t expect. I suspect that my flaws bother him more than his bother me–I leave my socks on the floor (like a sitcom husband) and don’t rinse out my cereal bowl–but he doesn’t really seem to mind, and if socks and dishes are our biggest problems then we’re kind of golden. It’s easier than living apart, really. But this is also because we balance each other–he hates to do the dishes but likes to cook, I’m too lazy to cook but willing to do the dishes, I hate putting things away but don’t mind washing, he’s the opposite.

I second the two-bedrooms if you can, as well. We tend to sleep together, though it sort of goes in waves–it’s so hot now that we’ve been sleeping apart, because it’s so much cooler.

One thing I did notice is how we need and deal with “alone time” differently. He’s totally aware of when he needs to be alone, and will tell me that he needs it. I never notice when I need it, but almost every time he’s all, “I just want to sit alone in my bed watching cartoons, so please let me be,” I realize that I need a break from humans, too. I think that I’m more naturally extroverted, but even so I need to be alone sometimes. So he tends to prompt it, but then I realize that I also need it. (I did have to assure him several times that I wouldn’t be offended if he told me straight up to leave him alone.) I think perhaps if two people as extroverted as I am lived together, it might be more difficult and cause more fights, because it can be tiring being with someone all the time without breaks.

I think it also helps to be super open about this shit. I’ve definitely been like, “Ok, when I do this, I feel like I’m being your mom and that’s not ok,” and he responds well to this. Rather than sitting in resentment stew (which is the way of My People), forcing myself to be really honest with him means we almost never fight. It helped me to think of this shit as less about me and my Relationship, and more about me in terms of my Feminism. Like, I have to be open in this way, aware of things in this way, because I believe that women in the general should be aware of accidentally falling into gender-role-adherence just because. That made my openness, and telling him what I need seem less about me being selfish and needy, and more about framing it in terms of larger societal issues of gender.

I’m a shameless fornicator as well – so welcome to the club as PhDork said.

Most important, have fun. There’s something there that you both thought that it would be a good thing to live together. Regardless of whether there are some living situations that need to be ironed out, or everything’s golden from the start – have fun!

I just wanted to add my two cents as a happy cohabitator/marriage bot who follows none of the advice above. Our finances are completely intermixed, we have never even considered a chore chart, and we don’t have nearly enough space for two bedrooms. My main piece of advice is to try to avoid falling into the daily grind of treating each other like roomates. Make sure you go to bed before you are completely zonked so there is a higher likelihood of having sex. And keep having fun.

Agree with Cimorene – after starting out really carefully and negotiating really clearly and being very strict, now, 6 years on, we just live in a messy house and clean it together when it gets gross. Considering how much I like things to be tidy, I’ve been surprisingly relaxed about this, and it doesn’t upset me much. Bigger things in life to think about, etc …

I am in a LDR, but wanted to try cohabitation so I arrange to work from his city for one month/year. I would be really uneasy to be in a relationship without knowing how cohabitation works out.

In the past, I used to boss my boyfriends around and do everything with them so they would do it properly, and they responded well because I was basically being a new mom.

In this case, I chose to live and let live, and only lay down the law when the situation was heading beyond my comfort zone. I would tell him straight up: “I want this to be cleaner/neater/done more often/differently than you do, and if I do it myself I will become resentful, and we don’t want that, do we now?” which worked wonders, and also allowed him to voice his frustrations with me.

Honestly, it also helps that when guys are older (>25, say), they’ve learned that leaving rotting food lying around and clothes washed but not dried is eventually much more uncomfortable than just cleaning up regularly. So older guys don’t need to be bossed around as much. I still remember coming home to a boyfriend who was cleaning the fridge, of his own free will and skill. I proposed on the spot – I was 23, he was 32, and unfortunately already married … When I went back to my younger boyfriend, I found 5 different types of rotting onions in the fridge, and those were only the onions. Ah, the good old days.