How to weather the holidays without that special someone

Do any of
these statements sound like anyone you know? "Who's going to carve the turkey
this year now that Grandpa has died?" Or, "I don't have the energy or desire to
shop, to decorate, or to be around others this year at Christmas." Or maybe, "I
just want to erase Chanukah this year. I'll just feel too empty without my
husband to celebrate."

Thanksgiving,
Christmas, Chanukah, Ramadan, Kwanza and New Year's Day are annual holidays
that can be a very difficult time for people who have experienced the death a
loved one. Author Andrea Gambill calls these events the The Holiday Army - stating they are no respecters of the
heartbroken and emotionally wounded, and that their troops are merciless. They
take no prisoners; they demand that we participate in their joy and nostalgia,
or they will mow us down with their militant tanks of holiday spirit.

It is
normal to experience feelings of intense loss and grief. Your feelings may be
triggered by sights, sounds, smells and memories of better times. These periods
of acute sadness are probably temporary and are a very natural part of the
grieving process. So, be gentle with yourself; allow yourself to feel the
sadness for a time. It is okay if you cry when you hear a song on the radio, or
see something that pulls at your heart strings.

The first
step in coping with grief at the holidays is to acknowledge that the first
holiday season is difficult, and then to prepare for it in advance by making
specific plans and obtaining the support you need. Set realistic expectations
for yourself. Decide which traditions you want to keep, which ones you want to
change, knowing that it is perfectly alright to eliminate or add new traditions
or practices. Surround yourself with people who love and support you. Share
your plans with family and friends and let them know of any intended changes in
your holiday routine.

Try to
avoid "canceling" the holiday despite the temptation. It's OK to avoid some
circumstances that you don't feel ready to handle, but don't isolate yourself;
balance it with planned activities with others. Let others know your needs and
how they might be helpful to you. Although you may be an independent person,
this is a time to accept help. You may find out that family or friends may be
quite happy to help out by shopping for you or with you, or do some of the
cooking if that is what you choose.

Be
mindful of your own health; get enough rest and healthy food. Setting aside a
rest period or "time out" each day can be very beneficial. Allow yourself to
feel joy, sadness, anger - allow yourself to grieve. Experiencing joy and
laughter does not mean you have forgotten your loved one. Draw comfort from
doing for others, but be sure to also take care of yourself. Perhaps create a
new tradition or ritual that accommodates your current situation. Give yourself
permission to miss your loved one, and think about how you can integrate that
love into living today. Here are some ideas.

Create a memory box.
You could fill it with photos of your loved one or written memory notes from
family members and friends.

Light a candle in
honor of your absent loved one.

Place a commemorative
ornament on the Christmas tree.

Dedicate one of the
Chanukah candles in memory of your loved one.

Put a bouquet of
flowers on your holiday table in memory of your loved one.

The most
important thing to remember is there is no right or wrong way to celebrate the
holiday season after the death of a loved one, and that the best way to cope
with that first holiday season is to plan ahead, get support from others, and do
what feels right for you. Just as we each grieve in a different way, we each
will cope with the holidays in a different way.