“My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.” Maya Angelou

The train is ticking down the tracks; I’m waiting patiently to run to the back seat without being too aggressive. I need to get my dry eyes closed in case another tear drop. I open my eyes from time to time, pull out my favorite magnifying mirror to make sure I’m not swelling.

A year ago, I decided to allow myself to cry. I cried when I ran out of life on candy crush. I cried when my dog ignored me. I cried when the sun went down. I cried when it got too cold outside. I cried when life seemed to be too much. What was phenomenal is when I cried in excitement.

After years of bottling up emotions, I realized crying wasn’t so bad. I just needed to figure out if crying was my thing. Then one day, I cried over someone giving me too much attention. What’s that all about. The last thing I want is to be accountable for my emotions. I willed myself to stop crying.

Walking around teary eyed without a single drop falling is challenging. If someone looked at me funny or with sympathy, I’d just say my allergies are going crazy. Occasionally, one dropped. As if anyone cared, I would announce the air is drier than normal this year.

Dang it, why did I start letting myself cry. This stuff is too much. Having emotions is exhausting. Why are others so good at it? I’ve witnessed people cry and then push forward with ease. Now I’m feeling like a train wreck.

What’s confusing is trying to figure out the difference between happy and sad tears. The days of excitement and sadness, my tears felt the same. One day I looked in the mirror to figure out if perhaps there’s a visual difference. Only thing I can detect was that red eyes burn through sad tears. The happy tears are shiny.

Crying is an emotion I’m no longer afraid of. Quite honestly, I’m not sure it’s my thing. I’m ok with it though. I admittedly wish that I didn’t hold back tears. I’m imagining my year of tears would fill a gallon water bottle. I’ve decided to get a gallon size bottle and start filling it with some positive words for the rest of the year. I’m not going to force myself to do it on a time schedule or have a specific strategy. I’ll fill it as I see fit.

Rather I’m crying over the chocolate in candy crush defeating me, a Lifetime Movie taking me down with tears or discovering my heart, I’m still on the fence about my newfound emotions.

If you’re reading this and feel some emotion or NOT, it’s ok either way. I’m just happy to find out I’m not going to explode and disappear into space because I cried.