Google to digitize and store users’ sexy dreams

A popular new Google app called “DreamTime” digitizes users’ sexy dreams and stores them in a database available to the public. The app’s creators say making sexy dreams public is a step toward overcoming the old-fashioned notion that whatever hot fantasies we create while we sleep belong to us.

While sexy dreams have long been written down and published — the “Fifty Shades of Grey” trilogy is a notable example — until recently, most were hoarded in people’s minds. With DreamTime, users will now be able to share and compare their dreams about, say, a beautiful Portuguese hairdresser named Sandy who, in the middle of cutting your hair, says, “Would you like to see the tattoo of Betty Page on my chest?”

Sources say Google will link DreamTime with facial recognition systems, so that Google users will be able to search for sexy dreams connected to particular people, or even composites of people. This will allow you to know who is having what sorts of nasty dreams about you.

“The possibilities are endless” said Teresa Drummond, who leads the DreamTime project. “Imagine you’re having a recurring dream about a colleague from accounts, Darnell, in which he asks you to bring him a copy of an invoice, but when you get to his office, you’re suddenly at the lacrosse camp from when you were sixteen years old, and Darnell is the coach, but he’s there with his wife, who for some reason can’t walk. In the middle of a drill he takes off his shirt and asks you — in a weird David Beckham accent — to cook an egg on his back, which is some sort of test that the older girls have spoken about, but you’re really scared because you don’t know if you’re supposed to say ‘I only cook eggs at home’ or ‘are the eggs free-range?’ But it doesn’t matter, because his wife shows up and she’s in a wheelchair that’s got all these chrome pieces that look like spikes, and now you’re buried with just your head sticking up and she’s about to run you over. But then Darnell tells her their marriage isn’t legal, because he intentionally misspelled his name on the marriage certificate, so she miraculously stands up and says, ‘I have secrets, too,’ and she runs away, and apparently she’s got a double life as an Olympic sprinter. Then Darnell digs a big hole in the sand, because now you’re at the beach, and the the two of you fall into the hole and roll around like crabs about to mate.”

“I mean, with DreamTime,” Drummond added, “if Darnell just Googles his name, he’ll see that although we’re not close to each other, we can rectify that.”