(I can’t emphasize enough how much I love this post in response to the recent “gay relationships are counterfeit” controversy)

The conversation has to continue as long as the wrong people keep bringing it up (April 2017, Ensign pg. 33).

The further I get from my experience in a mixed-orientation marriage, the more acute my understanding of how my experience, as the straight spouse, is/was marginalized. Don’t get me wrong! I’m the biggest cheerleader for the gay spouse, feeling trapped and unable to live authentically. I’m the one banging on the other side of the closet door, begging, “Sweetheart, come on. Stop doing this to yourself. It’s 2017 and despondency or depression or suicide is so unnecessary for THIS.”

But there’s also the experiences of the men and women who are/were the straight spouse, like Ashley 1.0. We aren’t living authentically either. And our suffering and scars aren’t seeming too important. You may have read about how I super duper wanted to drive my mini-van off of Cedar mountain.

And if you’re just joining this conversation: No. It is not just about sex. And regardless, sex is important and crucial. But THE THING that it’s about for us (straight spouse) and them (gay spouse) is the Intimacy. Lemme know if you don’t understand the difference between sex and intimacy, and I’ll write another post just for you. I’ll even address it to you… “Dear Person Who Maybe Has Never Been Loved~”

I have some very visceral commentary on this, hopefully, I can be articulate and, as always, my intent is to be affecting.

I’m getting ahead of myself (the visceral). Article by General Authority:

First off~

The title of the article is The War Goes On. Nothing subtle about that.

War.

Goddamn Fucking Serious.

Death.
Blood.
Mourning.
Pain.
Fighting.
Good vs Evil.

You know, war.

And then, but of course, this dude- the General Authority- starts talking about Satan right off the bat, cuz ultimate bad guy. And he’s gotta bring up returning to Heavenly Father clean, which Satan makes so difficult! And ya know, none of us are clean, none of us are sinless, as is pummeled into the heads of members of the church. So by paragraph 3, dude is slathering on the guilt.

And in case you forgot, that meant Jesus made that sacrifice dying for our sins, because we’re all pieces of shit.

(I’m walking you through the beginning of the article to prep you. It’s all build-up, people.)

Then our dude goes into the ways Satan operates.

We get to point number 2, and the gospel of love can go fuck itself.

“Remember, counterfeits are not the same as opposites. The opposite of white is black, but a counterfeit for white might be off-white or gray. Counterfeits bear a resemblance to the real thing in order to deceive unsuspecting people. They are a twisted version of something good, and just like counterfeit money, they are worthless. Let me illustrate. One of Satan’s counterfeits for faith is superstition. His counterfeit for love is lust. He counterfeits the priesthood by introducing priestcraft, and he imitates God’s miracles by means of sorcery. Marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God, but same-sex marriage is only a counterfeit. It brings neither posterity nor exaltation. Although his imitations deceive many people, they are not the real thing. They cannot bring lasting happiness. God warned us about counterfeits in the Doctrine and Covenants. He said, “That which doth not edify is not of God, and is darkness” (D&C 50:23).”

We already knew this, right? That this church felt this way…? Or are you allowing yourself to be duped by happy stories of acceptance of a LGBTQ kid by a member of the church?

Okay, so if you haven’t buckled yourself in yet, secured any loose items, and put your arms and legs inside the ride, you should now.

I’m gonna talk about the despair and anguish of the straight spouse… in no uncertain terms, like a big ol’ gay dick smacking you across the face.

Gay men and women, who marry the opposite sex for religion, do it because they are scared to death of the above rhetoric being their reality.

Darkness.
Grayness.
Imitation.
Being unhappy.
Worthless.
Counterfeit.

These vulnerable, naïve homosexuals (no shame, just truth) who adhere to the dogma think that entering into a marriage with opposite sex will save them from these awful things.

But the straight spouse is even more unsuspecting that these things would ever be in their purview.

Nor does the straight spouse understand that their own sexuality will be shoved into a closet.

Usually, the SS does that of their own accord to…(ready for this?)…survive. There was no way I could face what I was missing: being wanted, cherished for (in my case) my femineness which encompasses my body, soul, and mind, and the all important intimacy- the lack of being caressed, the void of hearing the soft spoken voice of someone who melts at the sight of you, the absence of a core connection that is discernible through mere eye contact and devours your heart.

Look, I’m not really talking about marriage. I’m talking about connection and romantic love. I know that same-orientation marriages and relationships can suck ass and end a lot of the time. But these same-orientation relationships not only have a probability to feel those indescribably amazing things, but they usually start there.

So to address the malarkey of the referenced article-

Darkness… Gray… All the time. Everyday. And I was living the ‘gospel’. I got up in front of my congregation and bore some phat testimony. That shit was legit.

So… tell me. Why the gray?

Was my marriage edifying? My friendship with g’ex was, yes. But the marriage? Naw. Trudging through knee-deep bog with no end in sight is not edifying. It breaks you.

The ‘lasting happiness’ part of the article? Fuck me… The ‘lasting’ sentiment would imply that there was a solid ground (firm foundation, as it were) to begin with.

The worthless part. Oh my god. This one makes my head spin.

You Mormons out there… Hey, y’all realize that this General Authority dude is saying that LOVE is worthless, yeah? You getting this? GA’s subtext: LOVE IS WORTHLESS IF NO JESUS AND BIOLOGICAL BABIES.

Obviously, my mind goes to the bona fide, irrefutable love that two properly matched humans can experience. But, hey, you know what else couldn’t be further from worthless? Being desired.

I’ve had one nighters… (reminder to keep arms and legs inside the ride… also, hi, mom). I’ve been more desired by a man that I cannot remember the name of than in my 13 years of marriage with a man that I had children with, moved from state to state and out of the country with. A former straight spouse I met a few years ago told me the first time she had sex with a straight man, she wept. But… worthless experience.

And lastly, let me bring you all around to the best, sweetest, juiciest part of the article- the counterfeit argument: marriage or love is counterfeit if not within the parameters of the ‘gospel’. If I was giving a Ted Talk, this is where I’d pause, lower my head with furrowed brow, and walk to the other side of the stage pensively before looking back up at you and saying:

My marriage was counterfeit.

My Mormon, temple union to a man who yearned for an intimate connection with another man was 100% counterfeit.

Do you have any idea what it’s like to live in a counterfeit way?

If you do, I’m so sorry. I’ve been there. I deteriorated. Breathing hurt. Sometimes smiling made me feel nauseous. I was betraying my Self. I was not an example to anyone of how to live. My Jesus-approved marriage was toxic to me, my kids, and their dad.

And I absolutely was suicidal at a point.

Us heterosexual spouses in mixed-orientation marriages play a role of our own. Our humanity is disparaged, trivialized as we are mere vehicles to the Celestial Kingdom. And fuck that.

Are you a recently returned Mormon missionary about to get married knowing deep down in your gut that you are gay?

Don’t do it!

The name of this blog, Dad’s Primal Scream, has never been more appropriate.

To me, a primal scream starts from some deep inner angst while outwardly observing something horrific over which I have no control. The good news is that today it’s not about my kids. It’s about someone else’s child, someone I don’t know personally.

Could this be about you?

I understand what it’s like to not WANT to be gay, to want a celestial marriage, and to want that picture perfect happiness of a faithful LDS family sealed in the temple. And being gay just doesn’t jive with that. It doesn’t fit into that plan.

I understand how growing up in the church one can imagine that you’re only gay if you are doing gay things. And if you’re not actually having gay sex, then you must not be gay. I get how you got into that head space.

The problem is that it’s an oversimplification of human nature. You cannot strong-arm sexual attraction and desire like they want you to believe you can.

How do I know you?

I don’t.

But, I do know you exist, and that you are about to make a grave, powerful mistake.

My ex-wife’s current husband also has four children, teens and young adults. These children are the step-siblings of my somewhat younger children. Rumor has it that one of the step-sisters is about to get married to her fiance who is gay. Well, he was once gay, or once did something slightly gay, or only has a tiny ounce of gay in him at the moment, or he’s been cured.

All I really know is that my kids have heard the whispering of his cured homosexuality and that the marriage is proceeding. My ex-wife who was so greatly hurt in our divorce and my subsequent coming out is standing on the sidelines while her step-daughter makes the same horrible mistake. Well, no, actually worse because the bride knows this time.

Horrified at hearing all this, I asked my daughter why their mother isn’t stepping in to say or do something. She told that her mom didn’t want to be mean and had said,

“If two people love each other and are faithful enough in the gospel then it will all work out!!!”

What’s that saying? “Those who forget history are doomed to repeat it.”

The problem in our marriage wasn’t that we didn’t love enough or weren’t faithful enough in the gospel. That simple-minded answer horrifies me and it ignores the truth.

It’s mean to stand idly by and let someone make such a mistake and to not say anything. So, I’m saying something.

I don’t know you. I’ve never seen you or even shaken your hand. I only know you in the 3rd person but I understand you more than you think I do.

DON’T DO IT.

I did something very similar 22 years ago and it was only sustainable for a short period of time, for almost 11 years.

Sure, some people marry and survive just like some people venture over Niagara Falls and survive it, but not without injuring themselves and many people in the process. It leads to a weak quality of life and a deep chronic inner turmoil. According to information from a USU study, “The findings suggest that rejection or compartmentalization of sexual identity may be difficult to sustain over time and likely comes at a significant psychosocial cost.”

Those who paint a rosy picture of such marriages are being dishonest and duplicitous with you. More specifically they are being dismissive of their wives and of your current fiance. If you really truly loved her, you wouldn’t do this to her. And she wouldn’t expect it of you if her friendship and love were true.

I understand the wedding is soon. My ex-wife was out shopping today for a dress for my daughter to wear. It could even be this weekend but I suggest you reconsider NOW. It’s not too late.

I know so many happy, out, gay men who are living lives of integrity and honesty. Many are also returned missionaries. They’re good fathers, loving partners and valuable members of society. They’re successful. You could be that too and there are a lot of us out here ready to welcome you with open arms. You don’t know me but you are welcome to knock on my door anytime and I’ll listen. I’ll introduce you to others and we’ll help you in any way we can.

I thought this would be an appropriate re-blog from August 2012….Happy Father’s Day!

Setting aside all the obvious sexual compatibility reasons, there’s something about being the man in a hetero-normative relationship that just didn’t settle comfortably on me.

The default assumption is that a straight man is a messy thoughtless and fumbling creature without the guidance and care of a good woman by his side.

Even as a father, taking an interest in the nurturing and care of children is seen as a part-time task for a normal straight man. When I’d stay home to care for the kids it was referred to as “babysitting.”

Actually being an engaged father and enthusiastic caretaker of our home made me the odd man out in the straight world I was pretending to inhabit. But it was more than just the nuances of my expected fatherly and husbandly roles that sat awkwardly with me, it was also the nature of the expected relationship with my wife.

Husband X

When my wife is having insomnia and she is tired but really wants to go to sleep, I kid you not, she will ask me to talk to her about something that is interesting to me lately. Within 5 minutes she’s out. Its so funny to me.

Husband Y

My wife has described this phenomenon as a “Brandt Rant.” Then, when I start running out of steam and ask her a question, all I hear is “zzzzzzzzzzzz”

I think most people would read that and smile, thinking “how cute,” right? I read it and think what assholes their wives are (I apologize ahead of time to these 2 men and their wives. I’m sure they are all kind, loving people. At least I changed the names *smile*).

Just to understand my perspective a bit, let’s switch the roles around. Let’s say it’s Husband X that has insomnia and therefore he’s the one that says to his wife,

“Honey I’m having trouble sleeping. Tell me about something that interests you so that I can sleep.”

It’s not so funny that time is it? What woman wants to be married to that? I personally can’t understand why any man wants it either.

When he says it, he is a douche bag.

When she says it, she is a comedienne.

Men posing as women. Sometimes role reversal and equality just don’t work.

I used to think this was a Mormon phenomenon because I’d hear stuff like this all the time in Elder’s Quorum and around the campfire at father-son campouts. But you can find that same sort of, “Aw shucks! I’m a fool and my wife saves me” male all over in TV sitcoms.

Here’s another quote I found…

My wife simultaneously enjoyed the fruits of my non-traditional nature while she also held the same stereotypical expectations of me. I’m not joking about this next one… once when I was choosing a new vehicle for me to get to and from work she became incensed that I didn’t actually want a pickup truck…like any man in her family or in our neighborhood would (yeah, we’re talking borderline redneckville here). In the Mormon world having a pickup truck is a big broadcast message saying, “I’ll help you move!” If you’re in Elders Quorum you’ll already be assigned to do that plenty with a just a sedan. There’s no need to invite it! Getting an economical Honda Civic that merely got me to work and back somehow made me less of a man.

There’s some sort of gene that a male is supposed to possess that encourages him to broadcasts his manliness to the world via cars, trucks and a bumbling nature around his wife that merely escaped me. Someone should search for THAT. It just may be the gay gene.

Male comic characters in female comic character poses.

The odd difference between being a man/woman or father/mother is nowhere more evident than in the contrast between Mothers and Fathers Day in the Mormon Church.

For Mothers Day, there are talks about the divinity of womanhood. Women are to be honored just because they have a vagina and even more so if there’s been some outgoing traffic in there. LDS wards pass out flowers or candy to all of the women. At the end of Sacrament Meeting they ask all the women to stand and the youth or Elder’s Quorum distributes the goodies…and in wards that I lived in they made certain that even childless women got one. They made it a celebration of womanhood, not just motherhood.

If, and that’s a big “IF”, Fathers Day is mentioned at all, it’s a lesson on how men need to be better fathers, honor their priesthood more, etc… Their penises apparently aren’t sufficient apparatuses for praise all by themselves.

That happens the other 364 days of the year.

Everyone knows men have all the power in Mormonism. So they try to downplay manhood and highlight womanhood so no one will take a good long look at the reality. Women are told how wonderful they are so they won’t notice that they are actually disregarded and have second-rate status in the church. Every other day of the year is a celebration of manhood in Mormonism.

As a man, though, and a pretty good father if I do say so myself, I find the attitude condescending. Often in priesthood meeting they’ll say something insulting to the young men like, “Well, you’re certainly not as good-looking as the young women, but hey you’re priesthood holders so there’s your worth.” Or the MTC Mission President who says, “Elders, look at these sisters. They’ll get done in 18 months what will take you 2 years.” I couldn’t stand that as a young boy and it never sat well with me as an adult either.

Even while gay pretending to be straight I was still a man and therefore had more power and authority in the LDS Church than ANY woman in it, yet I still didn’t like being talked down to like that.

Is the subtext that straight men hold all the power in our society the sole reason that it’s funny to demean them in a way that would be unacceptable for any woman? Is that why as a gay man I don’t buy it and never did? Because I don’t actually enjoy the fruits of heterosexual male privilege that I would if I were straight?

One of the things I really like about gay relationships is the lack of stereotypical expectations. Both partners can actually be intelligent and capable without the other being threatened. There’s not an inherent acceptance of one partner being demeaned. From what I’ve experienced and observed there’s more of an expectation of equality and more freedom to define the relationship outside societal norms…since by it’s mere existence it already is.

Ideas for Family Home Evening

This joke would be perfectly fine if it said, “A Husband”

Watch a good old family sitcom together. As a fun exercise, try switching genders and repeating the joke. Would it still be funny?

What did you do for your mother last Mother’s Day? What did you do for your Father? Were they equal in effort and care? Why or why not?

Ignoring gender, would you want to be partnered with YOU?

What would you change about your current gender roles or relationship expectations if you could?

On January 11 at 10 p.m. ET/PT, TLC will premiere a one-hour special following some Mormons who say are living have an alternative to an alternative lifestyle. They are men who are happily married and attracted to their wives, but they are also attracted to other men. They refer to it as Same Sex Attraction… not gay.

If nothing else, please share with others how demoralizing and dismissive this is of those women.

Nobody with daughters wants this for their girls.

Try not to focus on how childish, idiotic and brainwashed (and adorable) the men appear, but focus on how the women are being duped and manipulated. Don’t get me wrong, nobody has forced them into the life they are leading. They have been “drugged” to believe this is their best option.

Religion is a drug. Like any drug, it will help you escape from reality. It will take away some of the perceived “sting” of existence. It will take the burdens of thought off your shoulders. It will make you feel like you can fly from the ledge, without wings… It will purport to solve life’s most serious problems. The ironic catch is that the very “sting” and the very “problems” religion can solve are merely fabricated “problems” created by the religion itself.

So, why do these men and women stay in relationships like this?

“People don’t want their lives fixed. Nobody wants their problems solved. Their dramas. Their distractions. Their stories resolved. Their messes cleaned up. Because what would they have left? Just the big scary unknown.” Chuck Palahniuk (American freelance Journalist, Satirist and Novelist. b.1961)

As a father of 3 beautiful girls, I hope that all the little gay boys out there right now will feel enough acceptance and courage to come out before adulthood and to seek out other men rather than my daughters. THAT’s how we fix this problem. We make it safe and acceptable to be who you are.

If you are a gay Mormon married to a straight women, it’s not the gay part that’s the problem.

Perhaps I have taken the whole Skeptic thing too far because I am a Skeptic when it comes to marriage. I don’t believe in true love and I don’t believe marriage is a universal answer for relationships. I still dream that I can find someone who is a friend, who lights my fire and with whom I compatible for a long, long time. I hope my children will one day find a life companion. Marriage just seems an unnecessary part of that to me.

My problem is that I don’t know a married couple that I can look at and say,

This is funny because it’s true.

“Oooh! I want what they have!”

Being single is far better than having a mediocre marriage like any of the married family or friends that I am close enough to to know some of the details. Of course in my wider social network I have married friends who appear to have their acts together and their marriages seem as solid as it gets. But then, I remember 12 years ago when my then sister-in-law was fighting with her husband, my brother, because she looked at me and my wife and said,

“Oooh! I want what they have!”

She wanted the temple marriage and the husband who was into the kids like I was, who and who was helpful around the house. Except… all wasn’t well in my marriage at the time. My Sister-in-law just couldn’t see it.

We were the model Mormon young couple at the time… the kind of couple where the wife is assigned to lead the youth in the Young Women’s organization because she’s the perfect example of the Mormon woman who has achieved it all … a temple marriage with a worthy priesthood holder. My Sister-in-law clearly didn’t have enough information (As a side note, this brother and sister-in-law have since divorced as well. They are far friendlier with one another and interact far healthier than anything I ever hope to achieve with my ex-wife. Now, I wish I had the divorce that they have).

Take, for example, the elderly couple married 40 or 50+ years. Often, the length of time is all that is said about the marriage and then it’s naturally assumed that the couple is happy and successful at working together and showing love. I usually say to myself,

“Perhaps, but we don’t have enough information to know whether they are happy and fulfilled or not.”

Society assumes that a long-lasting marriage is a successful marriage. I say that the information to determine if it is a successful marriage (As I define it) usually isn’t provided to anyone outside the marriage. Until couples make a firm commitment to separate or divorce, part of trying to make the marriage work is to keep the negatives circulating exclusively within the marriage itself. That’s why divorces often seem so shocking. It’s because until the very end, people are trying to make their marriages work and part of making it work is remaining loyal and closed-lipped about its failings.

That’s also why I remain skeptical when I hear public protestations of love and endearment. Who knows how much of the claim is real and how much is the person trying to convince him/herself. Mormons often do this in Fast & Testimony meetings all the time…telling their spouse publicly how much they love them. I always wondered whether that person had ever told their spouse privately. And if so, why wasn’t that sufficient? What did a public declaration accomplish that a private intimate moment didn’t? Since I was the bishop’s executive secretary much of the time it wasn’t difficult to connect the dots and notice that these sorts of people were the same ones for whom I was making counseling appointments with the bishop on a regular basis. But still, they’d get up and declare their deep love from the pulpit.

My thoughts?

“The lady doth protest too much, methinks”

I see young couples do this on their Facebook status updates all the time,

“I have the best wife in the world.”

“Thank you XXX for being such an awesome husband.”

My thoughts?

“Somebody just got some…”

or

“XXX must have just repaired something in the house.”

Am I bad? Yes, I know.

For a related example, take a typical exchange between some middle-aged Mormon folks,

“I have 8 children – all married in the temple. My four sons have all served honorable missions. We have 18 grandchildren with 5 more on the way next month. We are so blessed”

To Mormon ears, this means “everyone is happy, successful and blissful.” To a Mormon this is the epitome of success in family life. To a non-Mormon it’s probably not enough information.

Having been married in the temple and having served an honorable mission myself, I know that we clearly don’t have enough information in that statement to draw any conclusions. There are a lot of assholes, losers and mental cases, men and women, who have served honorable missions, married in the temple and started to procreate excessively.

So what does marital success look like to me and how will I even recognize it when I see it?

I suspect that by its very intimate and personal nature one can’t actually see it at all. It can only be experienced. I don’t know if a quality marriage is recognizable in others. I suppose a rewarding marriage is only something that can develop, grow, mature and flourish internally between two people. I suspect, however, that from the outside a highly rewarding marriage and a mediocre marriage look essentially the same.

I think we can all point out characteristics of a bad relationship, but can we tell, from the outside, the difference between a mediocre one and fantastic one?

Is just a mediocre marriage worth it?

As much as I declare that I am happy being single, I’d still want my children to find life partners one day with whom they feel at home. Hell, I want to find that for me too! I’m just not willing to settle for what feels like mediocrity to me.

I’ll know it when I’m in it.

Oh… never mind. I forgot. I can’t marry in this state. Forget all that. I doesn’t matter anyway.

Like this:

I’ve decided to republish my all time top 5 most visited posts. Here’s #2…

At first sight, one would think that living as a straight, temple-worthy Mormon married man would involve much less loneliness than being a divorced, single, gay apostate. Not true in my case.

Personally, my almost 11 years of marriage and 38 years of LDS faithfulness involved far more loneliness than I’ve experienced in the last 5 years all by myself in the wilderness.

I am alone right now writing this blog but I’m not lonely. It’s not my weekend with my 4 kids. I’d much rather be with them but I had my favorite brother come visit on Friday and then I met a good friend and her husband last night over drinks. These are genuine, fun people who know, appreciate and love the real me. I feel the same about them. This morning I went on a bike ride by myself and right now it’s raining and I’m listening to my favorite Pandora quick mix on the stereo as I type. It’s a beautiful day and I’m a lucky man.

Loneliness is often compared to feeling empty, unwanted, and unimportant. I’ve had several periods of time in my life when I’ve felt lonely and not all of them coincide with actually being alone. I’d say the most empty and unimportant times for me have been immediately after significant milestones in my life: when I returned home from my mission; just after I graduated from college; when I returned to the U.S. from Japan; after I got married; when I left the LDS church.

Probably the only surprising time period of loneliness was after getting married. Why would I have been so lonely? Don’t people get married in part to NOT be lonely? Without trying to rehash marital details or criticize my ex-wife (who I am expecting will never read this and therefore never have a chance to defend herself), I refer back to that definition of loneliness and say that I felt empty, unwanted and unimportant.

The emptiness was my fault. Deep, deep down I knew inside that I was attracted to men. Being gay, however, was taught to be a choice and I fought hard against choosing it. I was encouraged to get married and so I did. I married someone who, all other things considered, I got along with and who was likely even more clueless than I was regarding homosexuality. I don’t care how fantastic of a woman I could have found, I still would have felt empty alongside her as a spouse. You can’t fill the emptiness until you’re living on the outside in a manner consistent with how you live on the inside.

The feelings of being unwanted were more of a two-way street. Like me, rather than being in love with me, I believe my wife was in love with being married. We were both really just placeholders in each others’ dream of a family and celestial glory. She was no more interested or attracted (on any level…sexual, intellectual, social, emotional) to me than I was to her. We both wanted spouses, we just didn’t really want the person we had as a spouse.

I felt important in my marriage to the extent that I made money… other than that, no so much. Mostly I felt like a placeholder. Any warm body would have done. Joint decisions like moving, large purchases and such were really just her making the decision and waiting for me to agree. If I didn’t agree it merely dragged on and on until I did. I guess that’s the stuff of most family situation comedies, but I hated it. We moved six times in the almost 11 years we were married and four of those moves were situations that I said, “no, no no” for weeks or months. I didn’t believe they were all best for our family… but like many other things, my opinion was irrelevant. As an individual in a marriage I was unimportant.

As a father, I felt very fulfilled, wanted and important. I loved my kids but once I became an unbeliever I was irrelevant in my wife’s eyes. I stopped accepting church callings and spent more time with the family than I ever had before. My wife acknowledged at one point that I had become a better father since losing faith in the LDS church so I asked her, “What would you rather have? A husband who is a good father or a husband who spends all his time at the church because he’s the bishop or stake president?” There wasn’t even a pause or blink as she replied, “A bishop or stake president.”

Yeah, that will make a guy feel wanted.

It was a very lonely time when I felt invisible as I attempted to jump through the proper hoops by gong to church until I realized in the end that selling myself out like that caused her to have no respect for me. I recall at one point taking stock of my life and realizing that I had set up a good life for myself… but it was someone else’s life. I felt like a guest in my own life and THAT is the most lonely feeling I’ve ever had.

You can feel fulfilled, wanted and important but be single. Being true to yourself and being authentic is far more satisfying than having a person to eat dinner with or on the other side of the bed.

June 26th is now and forever “Gay Day”. It will be a landmark date in gay history. I’m very happy, content, vindicated and awestruck that I get to witness this moment.

I was especially touched by the comments after the ruling by the plaintiffs in the Pop 8 case. Top among their reasons for pursuing the case was the effect it would have on younger gay Americans. It is the little 12 year old gay kid in some tiny conservative town in Utah who benefits most from this case. Today he heard that the constitution has his back. Today he heard that there is nothing about him that warrants a future unequal to that of his straight brothers and sisters. Today that little boy learned that he can both be gay and also DO gay.

I’m fortunate to live at a crossroads in history where I’ve experienced this monumental change but also experienced life as that young boy in a terrifying realization that who I am fundamentally makes me a second class citizen, and evil, and filthy and selfish. That’s what my community and especially my religion led me to believe. For me, there was no comprehension that my feelings were defensible. The concept of “coming out” had no real concrete meaning to me. Acting on my homosexual urges alone seemed incomprehensible and terrifying. To think I could legally date, court, marry and raise a family in a manner that coincided with my internal compass just wasn’t a thought I processed.

Today, little boys and girls will at least be aware of a possibility. For them, there is a glimmer of hope and light that I didn’t experience. Oh, I’m not saying it is smooth sailing for any gay Mormon. The official LDS response to the Supreme Court rulings continues to reflect the ignorance that led to its support for Prop 8 in the first place. They’ll be stuck in the 1950’s for long while yet. I do get a little tickled that they doggedly declare, “the Church remains irrevocably committed to strengthening traditional marriage between a man and a woman.” I like the “irrevocably” part because one day their position will be revoked and go the way of other “eternal” practices and principles such as polygamy, the racial priesthood ban and the original temple ceremony.

Preceding the Supreme Court’s decision today Exodus International announced it was throwing in the towel, a nice contrast to this LDS statement digging both their heads and their heels in the sand.

Exodus impacted me as a young man every bit as much as the LDS church did. During the 80’s and 90’s, Exodus basically acted as the flagship for “Ex-Gay” and “Change is Possible” therapy. LDS counselors latched onto it with a vengeance!

My first tip-toe out of the closet came in 1990 the year I graduated from BYU. I knew something was wrong with me. I was frustrated that after a mission and years of faithful temple-worthy behavior I still battled urges for men. The little research I did in the library (who knows in what books! I was too chicken to check books out. I just sat in the library and read) told me that homosexuals were most likely men who had experienced sexual abuse and who were raised by domineering women and absent or passive fathers. Somehow this environmental cocktail led boys to lean towards homosexuality.

My problem was that the diagnosis fit me perfectly, so I was more likely than not to buy into the premise that there was a cure! I hoped with all my heart that there was and so one day I went to my bishop and requested a referral to LDS Social Services. To his credit, he gave me one without demanding much more information.

The day I met with an LDSSS counselor was pivotal time in my life. On the one hand, it was the first time I admitted to anyone that I was gay. It was the first time I began to deal with the sexual abuse I’d experienced. Wonderful and amazing! On the other hand, it set me on a tangential course to change and deny that natural gay part of my soul. The counselor gave me books and pamphlets by Exodus and its supporters such as Joe Dallas and Joseph Nicolosi. I sucked it up and bought into all of it. Over the course of the next several years I was led to believe that if I only established “normal” male relationships and participated in “normal” male activities (such as basketball and fixing cars) then I’d be cured. I could one day enjoy the benefits of heterosexual attractions and its side effects such as marriage, family and the Celestial Kingdom!

Again, my downfall was that I fit the stereotype. Also, to a certain extent I was able to pull it off. I WAS able to develop bonding moments with straight men. I WAS able to play sports without embarrassing myself too much. I WAS able to reconnect with my father and feel more “manly” as a result. In fact one of those close bonding straight male relationships ended up being with my soon-to-be brother-in-law. Feeling confident in the Exodus way and my own new-found masculine activities led me to date his sister and eventually marry her.

What I failed to recognize was that all this did nothing to diminish my gay thoughts, desires and feelings at quiet times, all alone, unencumbered by all the treatment behaviors. No, I was not attracted to my new best friend, my brother-in-law, and some of these new activities did give me increased confidence and expanded my character. But they didn’t change me or reduce my homosexuality…at all. My dreams, my instincts and my passions were always focused exclusively on men.

Still, I married “knowing” in a very Mormon way that I was cured. A straight LDS woman, four kids, extended family and friends became the collateral damage 10 years later for believing in the Exodus premise on the first place.

Today, that Exodus path will not be the only conceivable route for young gay men stuck in conservative religions and communities wherever they may be. They know now that there is another way, another possibility.

I really have no desire or immediate opportunity for marriage myself regardless of this ruling. My day tomorrow will be pretty much the same as it was yesterday. But my joy and my hope for my little 12 year old self on June 26th, 2013 is abundant.

This is what it looks like when two men meet, date, fall in love, become part of one another’s family and then marry. This is also what it looks like when the families of those men are as kind, loving and accepting as they would be if they had been an opposite sex couple.

Regardless of the ability or inability to make such a mismatch work, can anyone really claim that a mixed orientation marriage is wisest, or even preferable for these WOMEN? Under which scenario is it healthy for a woman to marry someone innately unable to desire 100% of her?

It seems to me the that straight women, as well as the families of straight women have the most to gain by encouraging young homosexuals to find and marry mates among their own ranks. It baffles me that this point of view isn’t raised more. It baffles me that my ex-wife can’t see this. It is amazing that any father with daughters can’t clearly point this out.

See, I can imagine lots of scenarios where it appears to help the man socially, religiously and such but it does no such thing for the women (although it still does significant harm spiritually to the man). I can’t think of 1 benefit of such an arrangement for her that wouldn’t be better with a straight man.

Still, is there a type of woman who is naturally attracted to gay men?

Is there a type of woman who is more likely to marry a gay man?

First lets distinguish between two common scenarios… Some women know beforehand; some don’t.

In my case, the one time as a young adult that I tip-toed out of the closet with a priesthood leader he firmly encouraged me to NEVER talk about it again and especially not to my future wife. Unfortunately I followed that unwise advice. Therefore, my wife knew nothing of my struggles with homosexual feelings before or during our marriage. Nevertheless, I was STILL a homosexual and so it begs the question… what about me attracted her to me at that subconscious level?

In other cases men have more wisely been honest with their future wives and discussed their gay feelings before marrying. Many women still elect to move forward with the relationship anyway. What mind games or personality traits would encourage a woman to move forward with such a life choice?

What attracts some women to men at the subconscious level and what encourages them to move forward even when the husbands’ homosexuality is out in the open? What would make women WANT to force pretense on a so-called “friend” encouraging them to live on the outside in a manner inconsistent with how they feel on the inside?

Is there a low relative personal value placed on sexual attraction?

Are they attracted to effeminate qualities?

Do gay men appear to be better fathers?

Is the liklihood of the husband’s creativity and sense of fun or style a factor?

Many gay men are obsessively detailed (scrupulously religious). Is that an attractive factor?

My ex-wife is indelibly following religious leaders and so she has little time for reasoned and logical thought such as…

“Hmmm, if my ex-husband had felt able to and comfortable enough coming out as a teen then perhaps I wouldn’t have gotten caught up in our mixed orientation marriage, divorce and subsequent trauma.”

Forget the gay men themselves, opposition to gay rights by religious institutions such as Mormonism harms straight women as much or more than anyone. As a father to 3 young daughters my motivation for fighting for gay rights is as much for them as it is for me. I hope for their sake that things change enough in the next 10 years.