How to Survive Almost Any Attack

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We encounter dangers on a daily basis. Some are easy to avoid – we’ll pass on the money from the Prince of Nigeria – others are not. We’ll assume you can handle a verbal attack from a crazy ex and an attack on your head following a night of Tanqueray and tonics but for more threatening ones that, if you’re anything like us, you may just encounter one day we present How to Survive Almost Any Attack.

A Shark Attack

First, let’s assume you’re being attacked by an actual shark and not the gang from West Side Story (in which case the best defense is a sassy dance number) the first thing you want to do is assess your surroundings. Is there a reef or rock wall near by? If so, get your ass against there to limit the number of ways ole sharp teeth can get at you. Next, you’re going to want to use whatever you’ve got, even if it is just your fist, to attack the shark’s most sensitive areas – the eyes or the gills – it’s the basic equivalent of kicking it in the jewels. You have to hope this gets the shark to retreat. As soon as possible get out of the water seeing as how sharks are far less dangerous on land. Immediately address any wounds with a tourniquet and a swift trip to the ER followed by beers and bragging.

A Group of Angry Carnies

You’ve mastered all the games. You’ve practiced exactly where to put the ball on the rim of the basket, you’ve got a heater that can take out any weighted milk can and now you’re ready to take the circus to the woodshed for 50 sofa cushions worth of stuffed animals. A handful of carnies might not take kindly to your type around there. The best thing to do would be put on a disguise. With a bearded lady and a couple tattooed giants walking around, really any disguise would do – no one will bat an eye if a two-piece horse walks by. To do this you’re going to have to abandon your plush winnings, we suggest giving them to girls with your number attached. Waiting it out will be difficult since circus folk will be there day and night and usually weeks at a time, so try to sneak towards your car (a distinct advantage over most carnies) and peel out of there.

This is not the time for bravado. Thinking you can go toe-to-toe, knock this UFC fighter out and steal his smoking hot girl is a dream (one you may be having crumpled on the ground after said fight). Your best option is to leave your pride, wallet, and whatever else the neck-less wonder desires, and get the hell out of there. If that’s not presented on the platter of possibilities, consider the smart but ultimately cowardly maneuver – the sucker punch. We’re not going to lie, there’s a very small chance this will work. Assuming your attacker is not sprawled out unconscious like Glass Joe, you’re going to have to deal with the threat at hand. Do your best to protect your head and keep yourself from getting taken to the ground. Also, last we checked there were no rules in street fighting so now would be the time to eye-gouge, chomp a cauliflower ear like Iron Mike and attack the crotch-ular region of your opponent. Basically, hang in there until the fight hopefully gets stopped.

A Bear Attack

Half of our free time is spent on the couch with a beer in hand; the other half is spent enjoying the outdoors. Now, we have little fear of a bear attack while on our Restoration Hardware loveseat and enjoying a Guinness but the latter scenarios pose more of an issue. The first step to warding off a bear attack is to be prepared. Pack bear deterrent pepper spray, some odor proof food storage options and know how to set up a bear bag. When you’re actually out there and you spot a bear try to play it cool. This can be tricky seeing as how you just spotted a bear. Hopefully the bear will be on its way and you can return to tending your campfire. If a black bear charges there’s a good chance he is bluffing, so attempt to make yourself look big by raising your arms, make noise, and try to remain calm (probably tougher than going helmet-less into the box against Rick “Wild Thing” Vaughn). If it does attack muster up some more courage and go after its eyes or snout and show it you are willing to fight to the death and that should be enough to convince it to leave you alone. If a grizzly bear comes after you it’s best to hit the deck, get in the fetal position covering your neck and play dead until well after the bear has left. After it’s over, go home, crack a beer and relax on your deep all leather sofa.

Montezuma’s Revenge

SPRING BREAK!!!! Yeah, that excitement can be squashed pretty quickly when Montezuma’s Revenge attacks poolside in Cancun. And, just to make it clear, we’re not talking about the 80’s Atari classic. Preemptive step: Don’t wear white board shorts. Aside from that, you can choose to wait it out sans antibiotics and just down lots of water (bottled) and Gatorade (we recommend Glacier Freeze but you can choose an inferior flavor). If the pain is excruciating you should probably hit up a doctor for some meds and be checked out for any kind of parasitic infection and do whatever it takes to get back to the swim-up bar next to the Hawaiian Tropics girls.

A Swarm of Angry Bees

If there is one good thing about being attacked by a swarm of bees it’s that you’re about to find out how fast you can run the 100m. Whether you accidentally hit a fallen hive with your lawn mower or are out on some trails and knock into one it’s time to channel your inner Usain Bolt. Basically, run like hell. Try and get yourself into a building or your car if possible to minimize how many little buzzing devils are around you. Once the stinging stops you can start putting those splinter removing skills you acquired from some DIY projects to work and begin to get all the stingers out as swiftly as you can. A trip to the ER may be called for especially if you just encountered a swarm of ultra-defensive, sting-happy killer bees (though we figure you could piece that one together from their name).

This is no sexual fantasy, chances are these gals could put you six feet under while ripping shots of Jack at the same time. You’ll most likely run into them at a dive-bar playing “Sweet Home Alabama” on loop and you’d be wise to not cause too much of a beer induced commotion. If things escalate remember no sweet talking them with comments on how nice their hair looks. Hightail it out of there because even the toughest guys can’t withstand a beating from an entire gang, let alone a gang of testosterone fueled, leather bikini’d ladies. Just makes sure you’re running to some place safe (perhaps a salon) and not just running from them because no matter how hard you try – and remember this cause it’s a good rule for life – you can’t outrun a bunch of pissed off women on Harley’s.

A Crocodile

On our “Must Do” list etched out in dark ink and highlighted over multiple times is one day go on an African safari. But, not one of those run-of-the-mill ones every tourist wants to try, no, we want to really experience the danger and see places most don’t. This will most likely include running into a croc or two. Since, the ancient beasts rely on the element of surprise to take down its prey we’re going in wide-eyed and ready and certainly not bleary-eyed or hungover-eyed. Seeing as how we can’t really imagine a more horrific experience than being dragged into a crocodile death roll (not a piece of sushi) we’re going in with some basic knowledge. As it seems with most animals, even humans, going after the eyes after the crocodile attacks is probably the best bet. If you can’t get to the eyes, use whatever you can to cut or injure the ears or nostrils. Hey, when you’re fighting a deadly animal you shouldn’t be worried about cheap-shots or playing by the book, this isn’t a boxing match. One riskier move if you’re down and the reptile hasn’t gotten a hold of you yet is literally holding its jaw closed because they’ll be too weak to open it back up, however you could still get a swift tail to the chest and, if possible, we’d lean towards running to a safe distance and whipping out our Leica for a few pics.

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