Wednesday, 27 February 2008

Every word and experience sank deep into my beingPenetrating my every question and then my every reactionFlowing through my blood, hidden there behind my eyesMaking me the man that I am-The man that I’ve always wanted to beAnd I cannot stop the pictures from forming and so they fight in my brainBustling and bullying, impatiently waiting and wanting to escapeAlong with the words that tango on the tongueBefore I approve, before I choose to let them looseConfused by these sentences that tingle on my fingertipsHurried scribbled notes on tatty receipts and on the backs of envelopesThe inky fingers that print the waiting pagesI am the holder and release of my peace and ragesI am the creature of what begins inside-So here I am; walking the book I write.

…Like the car lights finding a sudden black spot curve just in timeLike a well thought of loved one safe and wrapped in blanketsLike the worm that finally discovered a wet soil escape in the rainLike being able to touch the ceiling in a room too smallLike all these years that you’ve been alive and you’ve never seen a real live fireflyLike you can never quite catch the Summer arriving-You just wake one morning and the sun is constantly shiningWith those birds that just need to singAnd you wonder what their songs really meanLike being happy and in love…I’m drifting off, falling asleep.

Like owning the newest complete home entertainment systemLike the sensations that the cat is feeling while sleeping on the new speakersLike having no one sitting in front of you in the cinemaLike having Joe Dallesandro over for dinnerLike telling your crap boss exactly what you think of himLike blowing up your landlords kitchen on the very day that you are leavingLike having your ankles high above your head, high in the air-Feeling and being like a kid againOnly now without the pain…I’m drifting off, falling asleep.

You may not believe in peace and loveBut it’s all that I wear, it’s all that I’ve got…

Bright before my eyes, pumping in my heart and flows in circles around my armsI’ll always trust in the gentle and sensitive sidesAnd I don’t consider these to be a sign of weaknessThey are the stronger and they stand and fall by each otherWhile you hide behind your men in their terror uniforms and death turrets

A frown has engraved my face and it’s too late to turn it aroundThis confused mug has become all that people see when they look at meSo I smile despite the lines as I never wanted to get old before my timeThough your long lies and quick goodbyes have forced us all to grab for the cage and stay insideI still look to a time when someone may put down their gun in horror and love the pretty petals of simple flowers

You may call me a foolish sissy or the symbol of a tragic romanticBut when the earth is either burnt to a crisp or over flown with sudden riversI’ll go under knowing that one day I may breathe againI like to think that we always hurt the ones that we really loveAnd so it’s easier for us to say that we hate rather than to proclaim feelings other than those of painYou can always press the hand of karma and ask for her forgivenessSo I wish you luck for the future as your past returns to meet her…

You may not believe in peace or loveBut it’s all that we need, it’s all that we’ve got.

There’s a party happening right now on the other side of the cityThere’s people chatting and clapping, stupid dancing and whispers of a little something naughty a bit laterTheir atmosphere travels across the neighbouring rooftops and in a while it tumbles and taps at my bedroom windowBegging me to make an appearance and I was already thinking about just turning upThe invite said 5:30 and it’s already 7 o’clock…I think that this makes me fashionably lateAnd I haven’t seen everyone together like this for ages.

Ready in no time and I’m walking through the city back roadsIt’s strange but wonderful how everything seems different tonight-The buildings sideways and above, and the shops all around look another colourI guess you see something new all of the timeAlso the people that pass by me all look like strangers-Maybe I don’t really know everybody like they say I doThe sky looks different too-It looks like rain and sunshine mixed together…So the light is low and bright white and so nothing can be hiddenEach crack and crumble exposed for the world to seeThis evening the old city looks completely new to me.

I’m turning down familiar streets that I’ve turned down a million times beforeBut tonight they are shining and seem to be so beautifully cleanThe house is getting closer and I’m getting that feeling in my bellyAnd so the laughter, fears, tears and butterflies all fight for front of house…Only a footstep from the front door and I can hear a mixture of funnies, cheers and mumbled voices and glasses being dropped or chinkedI stand and wait for a couple of minutes and I listenThe music is all of my favourites including some hard to find remixesAnd I suddenly realise that this party is for me.

Inside their smiles and welcomes are overwhelming and people hugging just too tightly with a warmth that was unexpected but kind of funnyEveryone is here and some that I haven’t seen for years so he must of sent out his cyber spies across all of those friend networking sitesI can’t believe this is all for me and I’m just lost for words as the music comes to a sudden stand still…

“The glasses were raised slowly to the air and speeches that touched my every hairAs the tears welled up and were close to falling I stood and looked into every single faceThat’s when I saw that they couldn’t see me and they were just starring into spaceI now knew that I had already been here earlier and had just come back for one last look around before I said goodbye…I smiled helplessly and I foolishly waved as they wished me all the bestAnd I turned around to look into what I thought was the setting sun, but it was nothing more than the light at the end of my time…”

A midnight train slips quickly through the countrysideBleeding it’s way all along and onwardsPast famous landmarks and known map symbolsFast cutting trees in secondsAnd turning whole cities into blurs and suddensCreating a way of slicing the momentBut finding small time to stop off now and again-To let the passengers work or visit.

Pen inked hands full of reminders and signalsRemember that there are no signposts deep in the jungleThe little nicks on each and every finger that indicate either fighting or tryingAnd his jeans are too long so they twiddle into every puddle, all of the shit and leaf muddles

Again he falls with bow and arrow taking the aim in spite of the pain and sorrowAs he thuds to the floor, he screams for more as he knows that it’ll all be worth itDespite all the tears and the horror, he may stumble upon the finding and honourHe’d risk his life and mind because he once knew of love before

You can repair him with medicine so natural that it jumps from the breastA little heart help required to see him through the worst of his deathsThat tiny bright light that always pulls him through the darkest of pathsA warm hand that reaches beyond the call of duty to soothe and show beauty

Standing tall on the front line with his hand clenched on the left of his chestHis eyes tight shut, hope is his only protection against what ever happens next…There must be someone, somewhere and so he chances everything to declare:

“They say that the best things in life are free,So here I am: good for nothing…Come and find me"

When the moon is high and it's allowed to shine brightThe highway of the stars are silver in their lightThe sky is sometimes clear considering this is rainy NorfolkBut mostly there is just too much light pollutionAnd so you never get to see the wishes that dart across the nightWhich means that we’ll never get to see the big one that’s heading our way…

Inside my house I am hidden in dimmer switches-I feel that I am cocoonedI know that under a 100 watt you can see the whole of the roomAnd so I am exposed to what ever wants to get me

So I retire this sofa to go upstairsI know that love is up there already safe in sleep"Please cradle me baby in arms and palms"As good love finally finds these streets calmAnd another lullaby says goodbye to the stars in the sky at night.

My sisters used to dance the dance of freedomBut then husbands came along and made them forty year old cleaners

They don’t understand the children that they used to beAnd tonight at this party they don’t want to move with anyoneSo I try to pull them to their shy, tired feet and remind them of their teenage beat“Because the parties end suddenlyWith your hair speckled GreyLosing another weekend to illness and decayYou’ll look behind and wonder where the road was taking you-You’ve always hated the phone, but one day it will no longer ring”

With cake in one hand and champagne glass in the otherI shudder to a halt and consider my own years being aliveMy Mum used to say, “Fight with who you need to and love whoever needs you”She is choice wise with her words that still laugh through the best Rum and Coke parties aroundDad was always so moo hearted, but he still stands strong before all my sisters- even the one’s that aren’t naturally hisHe breathes a sigh of relief to their streets of terrible fenced in history

Like a weed trying to survive through concreteIt can still grow without raindrops or sunshineAnd when the buildings begin to fallThe strangers start to jumpAnd the undergrounds explodeThere at the end is that weed pushing forward while being pleased with it’s root beginnings...

I want to be the one that survives a death before my timeI could be a someone that stretches beyond a dark skyI would love to be something other than just another birthI want to be alive with minutes, people and feelings while living here on earth.

The tingle of a touchThat ripples through the hairs on an armThose smooth arms now resemble chicken skinThey giggle and smileA shudder of anticipation

They know how they feelBut they enjoy the pretendingThe flashing hundred thoughtsThey excite, take flight and switch in mid airLeaving them all silly for a second

Who’s eyes were first?Those blue pupils slid upwards so quickly-Knowing that confrontation says everythingWe agree silently with a wink or light twinkleRaise an eyebrow to close all questions

Together we see in the nightAnd the dark gets involved and gently leans against the windowAs the street lamps outside path off into the futureI turn back to you with serene, silent happiness…Bringing tonight to a close and all hopes have overflowed.