Sociologist at Large

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Consent and Clear Communication Are Key (Commentary for Bustle)

I recently responded to a query regarding sex questions. Specifically: What are some questions you should be asking every new sexual partner?

In my view, before we can start to work through specific questions, we need two things. First, good effective communication, which is 100 percent challenging and requires effort on the part of all parties involved with said communication. The other thing we need is a framework of consent.

With this in mind, here’s what I had to say:

Communication is a, if not the, cornerstone of social interaction. But saying something that maybe makes sense to you is not enough — communication that is clear and that is clearly delivered in a mode that resonates amongst all parties involved is key.

With effective communication in mind, the most basic — and most significant — questions we should be asking with every new sexual partner involve consent. What we do and do not consent to in of itself is complex and mutable, but this needs to be addressed.

Now, how we figure out consent is also complex, and it may vary with the nature of an encounter or relationship. This totally okay, even expected, in today’s world where social encounters themselves are so variable and diverse. The complexities here may be sticking points but, honestly, that’s somewhat irrelevant. Questions related to consent need to be addressed, all within the context of effective communication and so many types of relationships. Find a way — it’s super important.