Gamers Told Us How Much Sex They Have

A study claims gamers get laid more than anyone else. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Somewhere between Ryan Gosling and a translucent blob of humanity smeared with Dorito dust lies the average gamer. These dudes aren’t the stuff of TV stereotypes — mom’s basement, Mountain Dew, halitosis — but nor, in most cases, are they sculpted Adonises. How am I so sure? Well, I know a few. (I used to be one.)

‘Crazy Stupid Love’

Imagine my surprise, then, when I read a survey that named gamers the most sexually active male “tribe” of them all. Sure, gamers get laid sometimes. But more than jocks? More than musicians?

The survey went like this: 2,357 women who were in a relationship for one or more years were asked to assign their boyfriends to a “tribe” and then estimate how many times they did the nasty each week.

Allow me a moment to dissect this list. How, exactly, does one define “trendsetter”? And what separates a “trendsetter” from a “rocker” or a “hipster”? How is “dads” its own category entirely, as if having a child precludes you from gaming, setting trends, rocking out or hitting the gym? And what, pray tell, is a “chav”? (Apparently it’s a young, boorish Brit.)

The study found that gamer couples reported having sex six times a week — the most of any tribe. AskMen’s Stephanie Soh shares my concerns about this conclusion:

“Obviously, this survey doesn’t compare the lives of single men who fall into these tribes. Plus, what about people who cross categories — the gym-going hipster dads who play games and listen to rock music? Also, ‘six times a week’ sounds suspiciously similar to the amount of times your mate in high school said he had sex, even if you never saw him with any girls.”

‘The Breakfast Club’

With findings so flimsy, it was time to take to the streets for a real-world investigation.

I doubt there’s any truly meaningful way to conduct an empirically sound survey of gamers’ sexual activity. There are too many uncontrollable variables: What really constitutes a gamer? How do you know they’re not fudging the numbers? What if “BioShock 4” just came out and they’re in a self-imposed celibacy spiral?

An anecdotal survey, though…that might work. So that’s what I did. I spoke with several gamer friends and a slew of anonymous internet folks to determine whether the aforementioned survey held water. (All names have been changed to protect the innocent.)

My friend Dan put it this way: “I’ve never thought about it as having sex ‘as a gamer.’ I’ve been dating Chelsea for two years — we have sex a couple times a week. I don’t think my gaming enters into it any more than someone who plays basketball would say basketball enters into it.”

An internet respondent echoed Dan’s sentiments (sort of): “I’m not a serious gamer or anything, and I sadly had to sell my PS4 recently, but I’ve played video games while having an active sexual relationship. It wasn’t ever really a problem except for when I’d be trying to finish a raid on ‘Destiny’ and she’d show up and expect me to immediately pay attention.”

‘Grandma’s Boy’

A female gamer responded to my query by saying she has sex once a week, “mainly because of a semi-long-distance relationship and only seeing my boyfriend on the weekends.”

A female friend of mine — call her Donna — told me her sexual activity increases in periods during which she has a boyfriend and decreases when she doesn’t: “I’m more likely to have sex if I’m at home with my boyfriend playing video games than I am if I’m single and playing video games.”

I guess you could say the same of any hobby. But how many times would Donna say she has sex per week while she’s in a relationship?

“I’m not telling you that.” Fair play, Donna.

Rob said: “If anything, my video game use goes up when I’m in a relationship.” He explained that when he has a steady sexual partner, he feels OK about devoting more time to gaming. “I don’t want to be the single guy who stays at home and plays video games. But if I have a girlfriend already…”

The respondents seemed to agree — if they were in a relationship, they had sex as much as it suited them. The precise amount of coitus varies from person to person, of course. If they were single, it was a bit harder. (But it’s usually harder for anybody to get laid when they don’t have a surefire sexual mate, no?) In other words, the “gamer” identity was a non-factor in the sexual equation.

It was, however, certainly a factor in the level of snark I received while collecting my anecdotal data. I’ll leave you with five of my favorite replies.

ME: “As a gamer, how often do you have sex?”

The respondents:

“As much as I want, really.” Well, excuuuuuse me.

“Tons…wait, do you mean with other people?” Self-burn. Love it.

“Depends when your mom is available. But seriously, frequently. Is that precise enough?” *Tips cap.*

“Anytime I want it. Sometimes multiple times a day.” Whoa, killer.

“Hot coffee.” A true gamer appears! (Here’s an explanation for the uninitiated.)