… but I'd still be friends with me.

East of Eden.

“And now that you don’t have to be perfect, you can be good.” – John Steinbeck

Been doing a lot of grown up things lately, it feels like. I enlisted my sister and brother-in-law to help Paul and me look at our finances (after our conversation about the-marriage-that-wasn’t, it seemed right to look at everything and figure shit out).

Of course, he’s much better about money than I am: I have a Starbucks and Uber habit; he scrimps and saves whatever he can (although it helps that he doesn’t have a caffeine addiction and that he can just drive himself wherever he needs to go). I also have a shit-ton of debt from school and credit cards; he… not so much. I used just to have school debt and was super good about spending. And then it was like the credit cards glowed with power and I had to have it.

In the general scheme of things, I’ve been doing okay. It’s just that in my quest to try and pay all of this stuff off, I’ve not been giving myself too much actually to live off of, and so I put more on the credit cards – the cycle is not my friend. We signed up for YNAB as a budgeting tool (I used to use Mint, but it really started to suck – has anyone else had that experience?). I got my credit limits increased to try and balance my debt ratios, and all of the sudden I’m like, “HOW THE FUCK AM I SPENDING SO MUCH ON UBER?”

So, I’m back on the public transportation for the most part. I’ve even run to catch buses, like in the old days. But, it’s cheaper, requires no credit card usage, and now that the express buses run in the morning it’s not a terrible commute (which was my problem in the mornings).

While visiting my sister, I also saw her NMD, who ran tests on my thyroid, ordered a CT for my stomach and pelvis, and prescribed me LDN (low-dose naltrexone). It’s an opioid blocker – and though no one’s really certain how it works – it’s definitely taken some of my pain away.

Which – I must tell you – is really fucking nice.

I still have some pain and am fatigued, but I noticed a definite difference after two days. I have a followup appointment with my rheumatologist in April, so I’m hoping that she won’t be offended that I went to a doctor in AZ just to get relief. It’d be nice if she’d coordinate findings so that maybe – after all this time – we’d be able to put a name to whatever the fuck my body is doing. As of last doctor’s visit, the leanings were toward fibromyalgia and not lupus, but who knows.

I was going to a sleep psychologist as well to try and get on a more regular cycle, but the doctor bills have started to pile up, so I cancelled that. I’ve been sleeping better than I was, at least, but still feel a bit restless. I’m hoping that if I get on a regular exercise/healthy diet routine (which is so hard for me. Like, seriously, out of anything. I just love being a chocolate-eating-couch-sitter), I can improve little by little. I’ve gone back to Pilates regularly and have an 8k coming up in a month that I haven’t trained for, so that should be fun. I hate running. Every time I do it, I’m like, “WHY AM I DOING IT?” I don’t know. I really don’t.

While I struggle with physical endeavors, I’ve been trying to strengthen my mind, as well. I made the decision a few weeks back to get into freelancing because I missed writing (and getting paid for it is even better), but the process is daunting. I signed up for a couple of freelance sites, applied to a few jobs, and haven’t heard anything. It occurred to me that I hate writing cover letters, and I really think that people should just hire me, I’ll do their job, it’ll be great, and then they’d know that I was great. Unfortunately, this is not the way the world works.

And also, with freelancing, you have to put yourself out there on social media more often than not. I love me some social media (sadly, you won’t often find me without my phone in my hand looking something up!), but I prefer not to have ALL THE ONLINE PRESENCE, just some. In today’s world, however, you need a LinkedIn for your Instagram that you can video on your Snapchat, and then make a board about on Pinterest.

It frustrates me, although I kind of understand it. I just really want to keep my online life limited to family and friends. Is that so much to ask? (As I write this very public blog…)

But really, the biggest obstacle in all of this is my never-ending doubt. I don’t have to be perfect. I don’t have to get all the jobs. I do have to try, and learn, and keep trying. And if something picks up, I have to do the best I can. I’d rather hone my skills into something good than try to be perfect and fuck it all up.