The Rant

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The mainstream press pretty much ignored it. It was and probably will be for another 15 minutes the darling story of the Internet. It certainly made the late-night talk-show rounds. (Or so I hear; I can't stay up that late without a blood transfusion.) And I think it is the absolute best idea anyone has ever proposed regarding international warfare. The Pentagon had the idea of a "gay bomb" on its planning table in 1994 — yes, a bomb that would expose enemy soldiers to certain aphrodisiacs that would make them all homosexual and thereby less of a threat because they would suddenly drop their weapons to start having sex with each other. They should have pursued this further instead of giving in to pressure to shelve it. Yes, if it had been known then, it would have made the United States government the laughingstock of much more civilized countries that don't run around looking for excuses to go to war in order to boost the profits of the companies in which their government officials are involved, but we really could have had the last laugh. It was at least worth a test. We could have tried it in Kuwait. Can you think of anything better than a bunch of suddenly gay Middle Eastern men? Unless it's a bunch of unfathomably rich suddenly gay Middle Eastern men. Look, the thing was only going to cost about $7.5 million. Isn't that what Halliburton is overcharging the military about every hour in Iraq? I say it is still worth a try. I was channel-surfing the Sunday political shows this past weekend just to briefly check to make sure we're still liberating the world, and I actually heard one of the old white male show hosts ask, "The Iraq war: Is it working?" I thought it may have been a repeat from 2004, but no, they are still sitting around with their thumbs up the butts asking the same question — the answer to which everyone with an IQ greater than a tree stump already knows. And I thought to myself, why are they not trying to bring back the idea of the gay bomb? Certainly, nothing else is working. Is it because they couldn't get past the difficulty of making a bomb that doesn't look like a penis, thereby giving the enemies fair warning that we're about to turn them all queer? Or are they afraid that the enemy countries (whoever they are at this point) might develop the same strategy and send one sailing to Washington and give us a new president named Georgia Bush? Vice President Dina Cheney? Are they afraid it might also work the opposite way and turn Condoleezza Rice straight? Or make Rudy Giuliani stop dressing up in drag at every given opportunity? Think of the conversations between Bush and Cheney when they are plotting their next move: George Bush to Dick Cheney: "Well, Dick — ha ha, I said Dick! — do you think we should go ahead and let Iran have it?" Cheney: "I don't know, girl. I hear they have some great shops!" "Well, what about Baghdad this week?" "I don't know, George, but there are a whole lotta daddies over there I'd suddenly like to bag!" Can you imagine how many more speeches Georgia would be making from his rose garden? And how much more fodder Dina Cheney's wife Lynne would have for her homoerotic novels? Can you imagine how confused that family would be if Mary turned straight, Dick turned gay, and Lynne hooked up with Mary's girlfriend? Now, that would be the bomb. One of my favorite things about all this are the very serious reactions by some in the gay community. They are highly insulted by the thought of a bomb making soldiers gay and dropping their guns to drop their pants, because it feeds into the stereotype that gay soldiers can't be good soldiers because sex with their fellow soldiers is all they have on their minds. It's an insult to all of the good gay men and women helping defend our country! It's an outrage! Well, quit being so gay for a minute and get a life is what I have to say to them. Lighten up. Besides, you know you would like nothing more than for all of those good-looking Middle Eastern men to turn gay. Quit lying to yourselves. Stop being such sticks in the mud and accept the fact that, indeed, if we turned all the insurgents in Iraq gay, this war would be history. If we had dropped this gay bomb on Hitler, it would have saved millions of lives because instead of killing people he would have been much busier trying to do something about that mustache. So let's give it a shot. It's a war about penis size anyway.