Ultimate Guide: How to Survive Middle School—for Parents

August 22, 2019/

Do you have a child in or starting middle school? If so, I’m sending you a virtual hug and all of my extra emotional strength. You’re going to need it.

My oldest finished middle school this year, and my next child is starting middle school. That’s right, I get to do it all over again. This gave me a nice opportunity to reflect on lessons I’ve learned parenting a child through middle school. I’m sharing them here in the hopes they will help you and yours survive the hell that is middle school.

This post is going to give you the real deal. It’s going to be raw and unfiltered. I’m speaking parent to parent. If you’re not ready to hear it, stop now. (Spoiler alert: It gets positive and uplifting if you read to the end.)

Here
we go…

Tips are based on personal experience and should not be considered medical advice. Full disclaimer.

An
intro to middle school for parents

Can
you still remember the awkwardness, the meanness, and the painful experiences
of your own trip through middle school? Yeah, it hasn’t gotten any better. But
seeing your kid go through it is like pouring lemon juice on a raw wound. It’s
time to prepare yourself.

My last trip through middle school with my oldest child may have been on the more difficult side due to some special issues my daughter has. Basically, take the challenges an average kid faces in middle school and put them on steroids. This gave me a heightened view of the challenges parents and tweens face during these delicate and tumultuous years.

So sit back, I’m throwing those rose-colored glasses in the dumpster and sharing with you what to really expect. I hope knowing what you might face in advance may help you better navigate these challenging years with your child.

Prepare yourself for a wild ride. Adolescent development is not for the faint of heart. The universe is upping your parenting level to “expert” and is about to throw some boulders your way.

Here my biggest lessons on how to survive middle school for parents.

Middle
schoolers are jerks

I’m
a nonviolent, agreeable person who hates conflict, and I don’t know how many
times I’ve wanted to drive to another middle schooler’s house these past few
years and punch them in the face.

They
say the meanest, most awful things to one another.

Gone
are the days of pulling on pigtails or getting pushed on the playground. We’re
talking psychological warfare. And they do it for fun.

So
what can you do? Be there for your tween. Let them get feelings off their
chest, if they’ll talk to you about them. Listen or at least notice them. Give
them a hug. Even if they seem too big for it—they’re not.

Boost
them up as much as you can. Their self-esteem may experience a nosedive with
all of the changes they’re going through, not to mention the added stresses of their
peer interactions. So do everything you can to make them know they’re special
and loved.

Talk
to your child about how kids are going through a lot of emotional changes
during this time. It may help them be more kind and understanding with each
other.

In middle school, some kids are testing the waters, trying to look more cool or powerful. Warn your child about this behavior and recommend staying away from those kids.

Mental and emotional health are a huge part of surviving middle school. The lockers, changing into gym clothes, and other stuff that might seem like a big deal are easily figured out. It’s the deeper parts that are trickier.

Addressing
bullying

Make
sure your tween knows what to do if they experience bullying or feel unsafe.
Who is an adult at school they can trust?

If you start to see a pattern of bullying emerge or have any safety concerns, address these immediately. Contact a teacher or administrator right away with specifics and ask how the issue will be handled. Don’t stop until you’re satisfied.

I
often wondered if some inter-peer issues rose to this level. If other kids’
behaviors are affecting your child’s mood over time, this merits intervening.
The squeaky wheel gets the grease, so don’t be afraid to speak up. Your child
still needs you.

Tell
your child you want to know if the behavior happens again. They shouldn’t have
to feel bad because of things happening at school.

Emotions
run high

Unfortunately, the “middle schoolers are jerks” description may very well include your kid at times! Your sweet child may turn into a sassy, demanding know-it-all who loses their temper at the drop of a hat.

Steel yourself for some fun interactions. It’s their age and development. Oh the joys of puberty.

Cut
your child some slack in the moment—they may realize the error of their ways
after they are on the other side of an emotional outburst. Address behavior
after they’ve calmed down.

I
hear they turn into regular humans again eventually. I’ll let you know…

Academics
get intense

You
probably noticed how your child’s kindergarten looked a lot different from your
own. Well the trend continues—academics are getting a lot more serious younger.

The
jump from elementary to middle school can be especially jarring. Going from one
teacher to several and needing to juggle multiple subjects, each with their own
work and deadlines, is a big leap for kids.

It
requires a level of organization that they are not used to needing, and in our
case, the workload increased exponentially. I recommend letting them be
responsible for their work but checking in with them frequently in the
beginning.

Learn
where the teachers post their assignments so you can ask questions of your child
like “how’s your math project going?” or “are you ready for your test
tomorrow?” These often prompt things like “oh yeah, I forgot!”

Don’t
get too hung up on grades at first. It may take some time for them to adjust to
juggling their assignments in middle school. Are they writing things down? Do
they have an organization system?

Don’t
do things for them, but it’s worthwhile to check in. It can be easy to get
behind if they don’t get a system in place early. Encourage them to reach out
to their teachers with questions.

And remember, they’re still kids! They need time to unwind—to go outside and ride their bike. If they’re spending every waking hour outside of school on school work, talk to their teachers and figure out what’s going on.

You don’t want an overstressed kid before they reach high school, and I feel strongly that mental health is more important than academic marks.

Technology
sucks sometimes

Generation Z was practically born with a smartphone in their hand. As they move into middle school, their connectedness only increases.

Managing technology use therefore needs to be considered in the parent’s equation of how to survive middle school.

We’ve
tried to limit our children’s electronics use, and it only gets tougher during middle
school. For my daughter, most of her middle school classwork was done online.

This makes it hard to figure out when they’re doing schoolwork or spending time on other online distractions. We used a filter device to limit certain sites. You could also put the computer in a central location in your home where they won’t be as tempted to watch YouTube instead of doing their assignments.

You’re going to need clear rules about technology. You might even consider an electronics “contract” so boundaries and consequences are established and agreed upon up front. They will test the limits.

And now is the time to get real about online safety conversations. Even if you’ve already had these discussions, a refresher is warranted.

Teach them how to deal with situations and have conversations about online activity often. Tell them they can come to you if they ever have a question or feel uncomfortable (and they won’t get in trouble).

Friends matter—big time

I
met some of my very best friends in middle school that I’m still close with
more than 20 years later!

The
bad news is, you might start to feel like you’re on the sidelines and not as
involved in their life. You might have to pry information out of them. It’s
normal.

Rejections
from their peers can also feel huge and terrible. When this happens, your child
will need you to be understanding and offer support.

As you’re able, help them to form connections with kids outside of school by taking them to meetups or letting them participate in extracurricular activities. These connections are important to their sense of self at this age.

Keep
an eye on the friendships they’re developing to make sure they seem healthy.
You have the ability to limit interactions if they’re not good for your child.

They’re
still kids

At
around 11 to 13 years old, sometimes adults need a reminder that middle schoolers
are still kids!

Sure,
they’re going to need to start showing a little more responsibility. But don’t
be in a rush to put an end to their childhood. Let them have these last few
years. They still want to have fun and be kids.

Just
make sure they take a shower ?

Watch
for warning signs

This can be an especially trying time in a child’s life. If you have any concerns about your child’s mental, emotional, or physical well-being, don’t hesitate to reach out to a healthcare professional.

There
are some good things about middle school

I
know, I know—I made it seem pretty horrible, right? But there are some good
things about the middle school years.

Adolescence has some of the biggest human development leaps outside of infancy. They’re doing some pretty amazing stuff inside that tween brain of theirs.

What
I’ve enjoyed most is seeing my child start to emerge more as their true self. I’ve
seen my daughter grow into her own unique personality, hone in on her interests,
and stand up for herself.

As they step out of the cloak of their younger childhood, you’ll get a glimpse at where they’re headed as a person. It can be exciting and rewarding as a parent. Your influence will still be there, but you’ll see them begin to make their own path and decisions.

They’ll be going through some difficult times, but I’ve also been impressed by my kid’s strength and resilience.

You
can do this, and your kid can too

As tough as the middle school years are, your child can get through them and so can you. Most kids get through these years without long-lasting trauma.

Make
some connections with parents who have kids of a similar age. It will help you
to have your own tribe that can relate.

There are challenges that arise in the tween years that you’ll want to discuss with someone who understands. Or even just to vent and laugh about! Did I mention having a sense of humor as a parent is one of the keys of how to survive middle school?

Your
kid will do and say some dumb things. You won’t be the perfect parent.

These
transition years are like the training wheels for teenagers, before things get
too awfully serious. It’s a strange phase of childhood where it can be hard to
know if you’re doing the right thing.

Know
that you’re both struggling together. And if you act out of love, chances are
you’re on the right track.

Be there for your kiddo. They need you. And as we know, the time goes by quick. Before you know it, you’ll be packing them off to high school.

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Hi There

I’m Gina, a mom of four ranging from teething to teen. I’m no stranger to mental health struggles and exhaustion. I found out the hard way how important it is to take care of yourself when, as moms, we can be so focused on giving everything to our precious little ones. I’m still working towards this every day, and I’m so pleased to help others in this journey.

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