Besting Milo’s anti-feminist reboot of “The Twelve Days of Christmas”

What is the best gift you can give to a feminist? Give her the outrage she craves.

I love Milo Yiannopoulos. The iconoclastic “Big Milo,” a self-described and self-denigrating “terrible gay man” has become the bane of feminists and the darling of anti-PC forces on the electronic pages of Breitbart.com. The talented, cutting genius usually has the pen of a marksman and the tongue of a serpent when it comes to giving feminists the lashing they so richly deserve.

But it is with sadness that I note that his Christmas offering, a feminist parody reboot of the song The Twelve Days of Christmas, fell short of his usually lofty standards. Under Milo’s sharp exterior beats a sympathetic heart; the gentle sentiment of Christmas, coupled with a gay man’s natural reluctance to tackle the vagina headlong, undermined his usual delightful viciousness. First, he replaced the “partridge in a pear tree” with “a mocha and a handful of biscotti.” I’m sorry, Milo, but you can do better. Then, “two turtle doves” became “two twitter bans.” Again, not bad, but, too tame for Milo’s usual standards. Hell, “two titty bans” has more bite to it.

Don’t get me wrong – his original idea was inspired, and his effort was good, but I’m willing to take the chance to try to go even darker down this coal mine. Wish me luck, and doffed fedoras to Milo for going there first. For once, I prefer something more penetrating that one can sing with an open throat.

On the first day of Christmas, feministas gave to me, a parted ridge below her paired teats.Feminists prize outrage even above orgasm as the most pleasurable of feelings, so pissing them off by objectifying them is the gift that keeps them in grievance. But we are just getting started. Original: “a partridge in a pear tree.”

On the second day of Christmas, feministas gave to me, two tongued dives…and a parted ridge below her paired teats. As I noted in my last article, feminists found Nicki Minaj’s rapetastic demand that men give her orgasms “inspiring.” Forcing men to perform sex acts against their wills is the perfect feminist holiday fantasy. Original: “two turtle doves.”

On the third day of Christmas, feministas gave to me, free wench cans, two tongued dives…and a parted ridge below her paired teats. Feminists have fraught arguments about prostitution: some support a woman’s choice to do it, and others hate the idea that men enjoy women who sell sex openly. What better Christmas gift than no-cost wench ass to kick feminist outrage into high gear? Milo suggested a beta male should take the feminist to Three Israel protests. On Christmas? Good luck with that. Original: “three french hens.”.

On the fourth day of Christmas, feministas gave to me, four balling beards, free wench cans, two tongued dives…and a parted ridge below her paired teats. The UVAgang-bangrape hoax story in Rolling Stone provoked an orgy of feminist outrage without any actual gang-bang. Four bearded campus rapists hitting one fainted feminist clam would give them decades of delicious outrage Milo chose Four sympathetic Buzzfeed listicles. Hmmmm. Not really one for the meter, our Milo. Original: “four calling birds.”

On the fifth day of Christmas, feministas gave to me, five golden wangs…four balling beards, free wench cans, two tongued dives…and a parted ridge below her paired teats. To piss off a feminist queenlet, try suggesting, however accurately, that the wealth of their rape-hoax target figures into which man gets falsely accused of passing out hot Cosby’s. Milo suggested Five Patreon donations. Original: “five golden rings.”

On the seventh day of Christmas, feministas gave to me, seven swine a-swarming,sex queefs allaying,five golden wangs…and a parted ridge below her paired teats. Pissing off Islamists with pork to terrify feminists with gang-rape triggers is the outrage trifecta for SJWs. Best…holiday…EVER. Milo: Seven facial piercings. But, with what? Original: “seven swans a-swimming.”

On the eighth day of Christmas, feministas gave to me, eights cocks a-milking …and a parted ridge below her paired teats. Few things agitatefeminists more than men having orgasms. Rapey bastards. Milo: Eight fake harassments. Original: “eight maids a-milking.”

On the ninth day of Christmas, feministas gave to me, nine daddies glancing,…and a parted ridge below her paired teats. For the daddy-issues cohort, the toxic male gaze is an old feminist trope (“gaze” being a homophone for “gays”) – the slaves are not permitted such disrespectful look-aggressions. Oh, the hysteria! Milo: Nine transracial genderfluid otherkins swaying gently in the breeze. Whatevs. Original: “nine ladies dancing.”

On the tenth day of Christmas, feministas gave to me, ten lardy lesbos…and a parted ridge below her paired teats. What an outrage treat! Yes, fat-shaming is wrong, but pleasing feminists by sating their hunger for outrage is a noble yuletide gift. Milo: Ten leaps of logic. What use do feminists have for logic – even leaps of it? Original: “ten lords a-leaping.”

On the eleventh day of Christmas, feministas gave to me, eleven pipes a-plunging…and a parted ridge below her paired teats. Everyone has pipes, so maybe plunging them isn’t that bad? Unless men enjoy it, I guess. Milo: Eleven feminists singing. He’s tiring. So am I. This was almost as horrible as sitting through Jimmy Volmer stuttering through the whole song on Southpark. Original: “eleven pipers piping.“ .

On the twelfth dayof Christmas, feministas gave to me… Milo suggested twelve student loan payments. But the original text, forcing feminists into a men’s drum circle, has to be the best fate of outrage ever. Merry Christmas, ladies, and hey, Milo? You can actually sing my version.