I was just pondering on the fact why we as human beings are not always the same. I mean, there are people with whom we dare to be more open than with others. People of whom we know that they love us and that they will forgive us whatever we might say or do. But there are other people we do not know that intimately and therefore we are a still bit cautious of how to deal with them.

Be that as it may, my latest lesson learned might be called, “Susanne, take off your holy mask and show more of what is hidden behind!” 😉 Although I learned a few painful lessons this week before that one, I just want to describe what I experienced last night as to my more and more honest relationship with God.

Yesterday I was extremely tired although I had slept long enough the night before. After an extended and rather cold bike ride in the afternoon, I felt more and more tired on Sunday in the evening, looking forward to enjoy a restful night since the last week, except for the night before, had been extremely exhausting due to some emotional issues which God relentlessly had cut open in my heart. But God whose plans always have the best in mind for our spiritual well-being decided to keep me awake for some reason.

How? Just wait and see… Maybe some people might say, “Okay, such things happen……That was not God’s doing……This world is full of selfish people, so don’t you wonder………It surely was the devil…….”

Okay, okay. Please, listen first. Well, here’s my story.

As soon I was lying in bed, I just wanted to pray which I always do before sleeping. Although we live in the middle of a bigger city, in winter it is normally rather quiet late at night and sleep should be no problem unless there is a loud party going on or something like that. No party last night, thank God.

Nonetheless, I jumped out of my bed as I suddenly heard a motor running. No rest for prayer at all. At first it was rather loud, after a half hour way less noisy, then howling, later almost quiet, out of the blue loud again…..and so on. That irregular and intermittent sound made me nervous and angry. I had such experiences with feeling tormented by noise in our city, even for many weeks without ceasing in the past, too. Sometimes we had construction areas next door where rooms had to be dried and heated during the night and that was a very irregular and loud noise as well.

Alas, I have been extremely sensitive to noise for all my life – and I can’t change that. Therefore I eventually had to take chemical drugs at these times so that I could at least sleep bit, though not that restfully as usual.

And last night?

Indeed, for the first time in my life I realized that I was not angry at the persons who caused that noise since I assume they had a good reason to do so. Instead, I got more and more angry at God who did not listen to my prayers. Several times I asked Him to stop the noise so that I could finally sleep, although I was not sure whether He would really listen to me or not. But lately He often surprised me with answered prayers as for such and similar things. However, not in the dead of this night. Things got worse and worse, that is, louder and louder, and despite having looked for another sleeping place where I couldn’t sleep better either (same sounds), God made a “strange” thing.

As I got more and more mad at Him, somehow yelling my prayers at God, He approached me in such an overwhelming and intimate way that I was at first amazed. Nevertheless, hearing the noise in the background and realizing that God did not want to answer any of my prayers – the way Susanne wanted Him to act – made me absolutely furious. Losing all self-control before Him when He asked me,

“Susanne, do you still love me?”

I answered, “No! Not at all!! And YOU know it. How could I? My love is conditional. If you do not care for me the way I need it, my love is gone.”

Afterwards I waited a few seconds, but hell broke not loose, Instead, I felt God coming closer and closer, beginning to overwhelm my senses with His loving embrace. But I was more courageous than ever. I said,

“God, I cannot enjoy your love. I want to sleep. And if You don’t help me, I’d rather want to be alone.”

OUCH!!! 😮

Forget the rest of the night. God remained in the background, but I sensed He was only waiting for me to call Him back. Still angry, Susanne let Him wait. In the morning after a short and fitful sleep, I awoke with a headache (the noise lasted for 12 hours, maybe next night again, only God knows) and I could hardly keep my eyes open today. As I realized that I didn’t want to pray (read “talk with God”) any longer, I heard Him asking me to tell Him everything that I would hate about His decisions and unfathomable ways for us human beings.

Oh boy, it was a lot!!! Still a bit cautious in the beginning, I poured my whole heart out before Him, telling God all those things I could not understand and I found were/are truly painful in my past life and now. As I dared to be as open to Him as I was never with any human being before, I felt extremely relieved, even peaceful again, and I was reminded of the words Jesus once said,

“Truly, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.” (Mt 18:3-4 ESV)

In fact, what we so love about children is their honesty, isn’t it? You always know what they think because they tell you about it immediately without further reflection. You know whom they like and whom they don’t like because their faces wear no mask – yet. They are REAL.

So, the only thing I can tell you now, after having complained before God like Jonah about the gourd that had withered, is that God is indeed our unconditionally loving Father in whom we may trust whatever might happen because

By the way, I just discovered some comments from you on Jamal Jivanjee’s blog. Actually, I believe you are not only a great encouragement for Michael and me, but for Jamal, too. You are so precious to us, Kenneth! ⭐

Been there done that 🙂 He knows what’s in our heart anyhow whether we speak it or not. he just wants us to know what’s there.We can only Love Him with Christ’s love ours will always fall short when He pushes our buttons. It sure is refreshing when we know where we are at and that He has already paid the price for the reactions of our frustration and all we have to do is turn to Him and He will receive us as a loving Father.

Susanne, One time I was frustrated with the way God designed His plan of salvation and how I seemed to not be changing fast enough to keep up with the requirements of life, so I honestly prayed saying,

“God! I think your system sucks! By the time my youngest child is 18 and gone out the door, I might have learned enough to know how to start raising one of them. And by the time I am 70 (just turned 70 this week) and ready to die, I might know enough about life to start living it according to your plan!”

To this He politely answered,

“Son, I am not preparing you for eternity on THIS earth.”

Thanks so much my dear sister for all your honesty and for the way you press into His kingdom and our hearts with who He has made you.

Thanks for sharing your honest confession, too. Indeed, it’s all about eternity and life in His kingdom, even now, since all things we see will perish. For it is written,

Put On the New Self“If then you have been raised with Christ, seek the things that are above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth.” (Col 3:1-2 ESV)

Of course, I have been encouraged by ❤ ALL ❤ who write on our two blogs.

Just this morning I shared a link to Jamal Jivanjee's blog on my Facebook timeline that leads to a touching testimony from a woman called "Sarah" whose experiences with God parallel mine, esp. for my previously false ideas of how God really is – HE IS LOVE!!!

Both Kenneth Dawson and I commented on there (and maybe another person you might know as well, Michael). Here’s the link.

So beautiful Susanne, refreshing waters truly! Oh these wretched masks it’s like you can’t prise them off except through the love of God and even then we like to stick them back on again. But truly Susanne just loved the honesty you had with God. I too hate any noise very sensitive it’s painful. I love the Psalm 91 when God says He removes the noisome pestilence. So much to think on with your writing here. God Bless jacqui xx 🙂

I am relieved to hear that I am not the only one who is so sensitive to noise. And yes, I do love Psalm 91, too. God made these words come alive when I suffered from horrifying satanic attacks. So, now I know that God’s protection can be trusted.

Indeed, the temptation to stick the mask back on again is real as I experienced today. Since I felt God’s presence not that strong and, admittedly, I was not that much interested to seek Him for MORE, either, I began to apologize (half-heartedly) until I heard God say, “What is really on your mind?” I hesitated a few moments (would have been easy to ignore His voice), but then I dared to let more complaints spill out of me unto Him.

Oh Jacqui, this process is so relieving!!! No “holy” behavior necessary before the living God. Jesus made Him known as (His) Abba who is now, through Christ, our (common) Daddy for all eternity. No play-acting needed – ever…

Hey!! Another sister who knows that struggle too. So glad to hear from you again, dear Joanna! 🙂 I admit that I was concerned about your internet absence recently. But here you are – wonderful to read another edifying comment from you! ❤

Whenever I published a new post and browsed the latest comments on here, I was looking for your name. No need to say “Thank you,” my sister, I believe it’s normal in the family of God to miss our siblings when we do not know why they are gone.

Indeed, I am so happy to hear that God brought you safely through a period of refinement. Will be praying for new blogs from Joanna in Canada – soon! 😉

At this time of year, as I unpack the Christmas ornaments, I always linger over a few. These are not the most costly or most beautiful. To the contrary, they are the most bedraggled, chipped and broken, with the sparkle long gone. But each has a special meaning for me. There is one my grandmother bought the year I was born, another my sister picked out in high school. All the years that have passed, all the memories — good and bad — seem to be captured in these precious ornaments. I would not trade them for anything. Our hearts, I think, are God’s ornaments. Not beautiful, despite our best efforts. No longer shiny, as when we were children. But precious to Him, even with our shortcomings and scars. Only God knows how hard we’ve tried, how often we failed. Only He knows the obstacles that stood in our way. We have God’s promise that He will continue to mold and shape us — despite our resistance — until He can see the image of His Son reflected in those broken hearts.

Yes, our hearts are precious to Him, even though they might still be partly broken and display sensible scars (i.e. triggers). I believe God looks with the eyes of love and already sees the image of His Son in us. Whenever I look (too long) at myself, I am inclined to believe, "Yikes – all black, cold, and loveless!!" But when He redirects my eyes unto Him, I only see eternal beauty because He makes me forget my self.

Yes, looking at Him who is the only righteous judge, I know that I never want to be judged by anyone else but by Him who loves me unconditionally. In His loving and peaceful presence I feel no guilt or condemnation (cf. Rom 8:1) – ever.

Susanne, I spent the last five minutes reloading my exclamation marks into my laptop (picturing an AK-47 banana clip), so I am ready for another day of reading and commenting on what you share. 🙂

Thanks for sharing the most intimate things of your heart the way you do on here, even when you are pitching a fit at God. David was a man after God’s own heart and he had this same liberty with Him as you have.

God bless you as you continue to seek His face.

BTW, you never said if you finally invited Him back to love on you after you go over your anger!!!!!! Yup, loaded for another day! 🙂

You’re so welcome, Michael. Indeed, meanhwile I have given up “pitching a fit at God”. Not that I had been able to do so on my own, yet His love ❤ conquered my rebellious heart, finally… 😉 I hope I can share more of it in a blog post which I plan to publish soon – Lord willing. I wrote it straight from my heart, both in deepest pain while simultaneously experiencing the deepest love with Jesus. I will be adding the link to my new post in this comment later (DV, again).

Thank you Susanne. I will be watching for your heart-felt post once again on your blog. You inspire me with our honesty and the way you communicate with Jesus in such a real way.
Bless you immensely, too, IN Him!

A beautiful expression, Susanne! Thank you for sharing it with us. It is a life-changing moment when we feel the Lord treating us with patience, kindness, etc., when we express ourselves in a very real, raw, and sometimes repulsive manner. He isn’t disgusted, however. Sometimes I think he is more amused. :-). And that He is very confident in His love for us, and in our love for Him. 🙂 What an amazing lover.

My friend George Davis is a great Teddy Bear of a man with a very kind heart that I admire. I have watched him take care of his grand kids for hours on end and seen them pitch a fit when they didn’t get their way and hit him with their little fists and kick him in the legs and George just smiles and once they have worn themselves out, he picks them up and hugs them and everything is okay after that.

It is the same with God. He can take “our best shot” and when we finished pitching a fit, He is still there with His love to embrace an love us as if it never happened. The Prodigal’s son coming home comes to mind.

That’s a great pic that you painted of your friend George, I really love it, Michael. He seems to have a lot of patience, doesn’t he.

As for the bluetit birds, I have loved them for my whole lifetime. For more than 25 years, Paul and I are used to “live” with these lovely and small birds. Paul always made nest boxes for them and thus we could see how they reared their breed, even here in the middle of a city. The fledglings never feared us and it was so sweet to watch them grow and come back every year. Only Lily, our cat, was not thaaat amused. 😉

The Community

Spam Blocked

FEAR NOT…

“For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through him."
(John 3:16-17 ESV)

Follow Blog via Email

Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.