So long, Abby

Confidentially to: It’s with genuine sadness that The Buzz notes the passing of Pauline Friedman Phillips, 94, who launched the original Dear Abby column in 1956, offering her advice to readers with pragmatism and wit.

In tribute, The Buzz frames today’s column in her style:

Dear Buzz: I’m the world’s biggest jetmaker but lately I’ve had my problems with my engineers union and with my new plane. I can handle that, but I’m really outraged at my competitor — let’s call him “Francois” — because he claims his new plane is better even though he’s going to use the same battery that’s giving me headaches.

Chagrined in Chicago

Dear Chagrined: Never you mind Francois. I’m sure he’ll have his own problems. Just focus on being the best jetmaker you can be, and remember to change the batteries in your smoke alarm every six months.

Dear Buzz: I admit I’ve used some unorthodox — OK, illegal — methods to achieve my goals in life and then lied about it for years. But I’ve come clean, on cable TV no less, but they keep taking my medals away. Isn’t an apology enough?

Banned Substance Pedaler

Dear Pedaler: Not on your life, buster! And don’t tell me that all the other kids were doing it. “I’m sorry” only gets you halfway there. To rebuild your reputation you’ve got a long uphill haul. Start pedaling.