Monthly Archives: January 2013

Books I managed to pony up from ye library and friends before the Week.

Acting cool on the last day

Glorious Gelato!

Milling around at Starbucks after my specialist appt. Now this is one pretty glass building. Crowded and hot like a green house though. Ordered a Hojicha and a chocolate biscuit. I should have blended it into the Hojicha.

AH dental surgical excision of #18 and #38 under LA. Before the surgery I was super high and laughing quite hysterically. When the LA needle came down thrice, I was silenced. It felt as though someone froze the inside of my mouth until it became numb. And the drilling sounds! So God awful! Finale – nurse held my head while surgeon plucked out the last tooth.

Dinner. Oats with Bovril. Lucky I like oats. Then supper was Campbell soup – Mushroom potage.

I spent the better part of my afternoon, evening and night doing personality tests on OKCupid and realized that 3 different tests with varying number of questions put me at INFJ, same as Isabel Myers herself. Though I test previously as as a borderline ENFJ. I related more to INFJ though. It’s kind of unnerving how relatable the stuff being written, especially about relationships.

INFJs are, by definition, rare, reserved, and unlikely to initiate anything, which means that many of them can end up alone and misunderstood. Here’s what a website says about me, underlined stuff means I relate to it personally.

For most INFJs, omitting or distorting information is equivalent to lying, and at the very least will rouse their suspicion. INFJs have an acute sensitivity for stories which don’t quite fit. At the same time, INFJs also like to assume the best and can be extremely gullible.

INFJs have an extremely complex internal value system. An INFJ will see if you ‘fit’ into their world, and they’ll bend their own rules if they really like you. INFJs tend to have very high standards, but are also very accepting once they trust you and know you’re safe.

INFJs can be pretty intense emotionally. This isn’t to say that they can get into a heated argument, in fact INFJs avoid conflict, however they are easily hurt and feel very deeply. It’s not uncommon for INFJs to cry if they feel something very deeply.

INFJs are weird / odd / strange / extremely rare and they very much know it. They yearn to be understood and want to be accepted as they are (as most people do, of course). An INFJ is incredibly complex, so complex they confuse even themselves. They almost always feel misunderstood and ‘hidden’. They will be offended if you pass them off as ‘simple’ or ‘average’. Getting to know an INFJ takes work, so be prepared for that. A lot of gentle enquiry is required.

INFJs can often mimic other types.

INFJs are typically better in writing than in verbal communication. If you want to know an INFJ’s true feelings, ask them to write out what they think and feel.

INFJs don’t typically engage in casual relationships. Most of them will become too attached for it to be possible. If your intentions aren’t serious then you should probably steer clear of an INFJ unless it’s very obvious beforehand that they aren’t interested in a serious relationship.

An INFJ’s allegiance is no trifle. If an INFJ wants to stick by you, it means they really like you. Do not violate that gift.

INFJs consciously choose the people that are close to them. They would rather have a few very close friendships as opposed to numerous superficial ones.

They open up at a dinosauric pace. They typically hold themselves back and consider that behaviour to be part of their nature. They’ve been described as having ‘layers’ which only a select few people are privy to, the closer the layer to their heart, the fewer people are granted access. Do not expect to find yourself in the ‘top tier’ overnight. It often takes months or years to access the deepest recesses.

INFJs, like other idealists, love harmony. While an INFJ is relatively adept at conflict resolution, they do not appreciate the unneeded creation of conflict. An INFJ will strive for harmony.

The ‘N’ combined with the ‘J’ in INFJ means that they are future oriented. Do everything you can to make yourself seem like a long-term option. If you become destructively impulsive, an INFJ will lose the ability to see you as a long-term mate, and will become unhappy as a result. INFJs are future-oriented and have powerful imaginations and superb insight.

INFJs are extremely sensitive. Make sure that criticism is handed as lightly as possible and constructively. At the same time, INFJs love to please their partner, and will work on an issue if presented in the right way. When to be blunt with an INFJ: never. Be honest and direct, but there’s a fine line between direct and insensitive.

INFJs love helping people. If you’re bad at accepting help (yes, accepting help is a skill), then get ready to have problems. To reject an INFJ’s help is to reject their love, and one of the things they hold nearest to their hearts.

An INFJ’s ability to help people goes hand-in-hand with their ability to destroy people. Their keen knowledge of people’s weaknessess means they can either help you incredibly or destroy you, however the latter is extremely rare and is only reserved for people they believe have done serious harm to them or others.

They need patience but they give patience in return.

They’re curious about other people. To their friends, they are very accepting. However, the closer one gets to an INFJ’s heart, the more their standards will apply to the other person, which can sometimes create issues.

They often have darker periods where they close up. They can become monk-like and reclusive. It doesn’t mean they don’t like you, it just means they need to recharge.

They can be stubborn once they believe they’re in the right, especially if it has to do with their values.

INFJs hardly ever initiate anything. They like it when the other person initiates a conversation, contact, etc.

INFJs need 2 things to thrive: trust and safety. Trusting you is about knowing that you’re ethically and morally upstanding (or at least in accordance with their values), and feeling safe is knowing that you’ll stick by them. INFJs don’t want to open up to people who might disappear overnight. If an INFJ feels they can trust you and feels safe with you, they’ll be very happy. The only added bonus is to tell them how much you appreciate them.

Their energy drains when around others. They will need time alone to ‘feel like themselves’.

Your energy will easily affect them. If you seem unstable, etc., it will seep into them and poison them. It has often been said that an INFJ’s partner has to be strong, and this is generally true.

INFJs live in a world of fantasy. They can have problems consolidating their idealism with the reality of the world.

So how do you love an INFJ? ^_^

1. Your INFJ adores you more than they can express with words. Even if they don’t tell you verbally, they will show you how they feel through their patience, kindness, and willingness to please you.

2. Thank your INFJ with sincere hugs and kisses, and tell us you appreciate the things that we do for you. Just knowing that you’re aware of it is reward enough to keep us overjoyed (and enthusiastically continuing to do all the things you love that we do for you).

3. If an INFJ is in a romantic relationship with you, they consider you their number one priority in life. Your happiness and well being are the most important things in their lives. (1 and only 1)

4. Your INFJ can sense your emotions even more acutely than if you were telling us with words. We can feel what you are feeling. Don’t be alarmed by this as we will never use it against you. However, this means you can never lie to us. If you try, we will know, it will hurt our feelings badly that you did.

5. We love it when you just walk up to us and hold us. No words. Nothing complicated. Just gently wrap your arms around us and focus on how you feel about us. We can feel it like it is pouring out of you and into us. Don’t be alarmed if we cry when you do this. (Yes! Gosh.)

6. We love to listen. Don’t be afraid to tell us what is on your mind, even if we didn’t ask. We love you and respect your privacy, and don’t like to pry.

7. We also love it when you listen to us. Please ask us questions to show us that you care, and let us talk when you do. The more intently you are interested in how we feel and what we have to say, the more we will love you.

8. Sometimes we need to recharge our minds, and will sit and stare blankly into space. This is perfectly normal, as your INFJ is rebooting their amazing mind. Systems will be online again shortly. (I just stare into her soul sometimes)

9. We thrive in an environment with just you, and a few of our closest loved ones. The more opportunities you help us create for these kinds of environments, the happier we will be.

10. We don’t do well in crowds for extended periods. We will join you in them if that’s where you want to go, but please be mindful of the duration of contact. INFJs may become unresponsive and even irritable when exposed to crowds for too long.

11. While we are extremely affectionate with you, we’re generally not interested in being affectionate with anyone else, and physical contact with strangers may unsettle your INFJ. It is best to keep strangers from attempting to pet your INFJ.

12. Your INFJ accepts you for everything you are. However, INFJs can be especially eccentric. If you accept your INFJ’s eccentricities and peculiar interests, this will greatly increase your INFJ’s happiness.

13. INFJs are otherwise very self sufficient low maintenance pets, and can be left to their own little worlds for extended periods. However, infrequent moments of affection are always appreciated. (I like being surprised heh)

14. Always kiss your INFJ goodnight and tell them that you love them, even if you’re not going to sleep when they do.

15. Always cuddle with your INFJ when they wake up and greet their day with love.

16. Your INFJ will have a reflex to help others. Do not be alarmed by this, as it does not in any way reflect on how your INFJ feels about you, or your relationship. It is simply our nature to help others – sometimes to a degree that makes the ones we love assume they are less of a priority. Nothing could be further from the truth.

17. Your INFJ is a planner. Sometimes spontaneity leaves us in a position that we cannot plan how to best make you happy, and we find this upsetting. Please understand that we are never upset with you, only the situation. (That’s why I plan so much for a date, V Day and what not 😀 )

18. Your INFJ is very idealistic and principled. If you need us to go against our ideals or principles to make you happy, this can cause us a great deal of internal turmoil and tension. Please be mindful of our ideals and principles and avoid asking us to go against them.

19. When an INFJ’s ideals or principles are offended, we will pull away quickly. This may look very similar to our normal modes of being lost in our heads to the untrained eye, as we do not like to cause tension or disharmony. To best care for your INFJ, learn to spot this reaction and quickly make right whatever was wrong, even if it is simply an opinion. This will bring us back to the harmony we need to be our healthiest.

It’s a week of closure, in both life and love. On Monday, I received a letter from Churchill saying that I’ve been pooled and I know already that being pooled is that you are too lousy to be accepted, and not what they say – that you’re too good to be rejected. I know, Cambridge has perfected the art of writing rejection letters for the past few centuries and hell, they’re bloody good.

But I still can’t help hoping that I might get an offer from one of the other colleges, however remote it might be as the days count up. And I still lament the missed Oxford test that could be. I guess I will brace myself for a formal rejection letter next week. But I like to congratulate myself for making this far. 😀

Tuesday night

I sent a heartfelt letter to her, on Nick’s ill-given advice. (Fml I shouldn’t have listened to him considering his love life revolves around games and clubbing) I spent the better part of the day milling around the vehicle shed, leaning against pillars before finally deciding that the interior of the Terrex is a good place to be. Simultaneous smiles and tears that made for an emotional afternoon as I typed out the 1000 words on my iPhone.

It was a long letter, sort of a love letter, but not quite one. It was a letter written specifically to elicit a response from her, no matter how negative or positive it would be. It was a contrived piece of prose that would never, ever be me. I hand-write letters of love. But I just felt the need to send this out and sorta be done and over with it. It is like writing for college admissions. And so I decided to send it by email. My heart is confused and I’d like to stop this. It talked about our experience, my thoughts, my feelings on oh-so-quiet nights. I meant every word I said though, every intense emotion, every intense action.

When I finally clicked SEND, it befell me – this love story ended before it really started.

Thursday night

And I was broken.

A random Whatsapp message from her inquiring about my Cambridge news. None I replied. I got fished out of the pool she replied. Great, just great. I wished I could join you at Cambs, then we can be together for 4 years but I just sent I am so happy for you. Though I was hoping you read the letter I sent you. She said it straight-to-the-point because I didn’t allow her to sugar-coat it. I was hiding under my blanket and shut my eyes and threw my phone on the bed next to me (much as I’d like to toss it out of the window, I paid $500 for it) when she said what she wanted to say. A 2nd rejection.

It’s surprising I could control my tears, but I guess I could because I already knew what her reply would be. Subconsciously, I knew that this relationship would be hard to work out, not to mention the possibility of an LDR even if it did. Because it went too fast – I didn’t really know much about her at the end of our first date – and a relationship is firmly grounded in understanding, the other being trust. Moreover, she doesn’t seem to be committed to a relationship yet, from the various incidents that I infer. Commitment is a two-way kind of thing. I’m probably comforting myself after all that had happened.

She’s a great girl – one that I’d like to spend my future with. Smart, independent, bubbly, cute. So it’s hard not to think about her as just a friend. But I know I let things go easily, not just in matters of love. Quarrel with my mum? I’ll chat with her as thought nothing happen in the next hour (She’d still be fuming mad thought) It is also because I was in the same class as my previous love for a good 2 years in JC, seeing her hook up with another friend in the same class as a left-by-the-sidewalk stranger. It was at that time I regretted matching my RA/subject combination with her so that I could be with her in the same class. Heck, I even had an argument with mum over my resolve to choose RA. Right now, I am revisiting my previous blog posts about her like this one with a note from her. Amused to see how she not know then why we managed to end up in the same class. It’s been an enjoyable 3+ years with her but judging from my posts I’ve never really got her out of my mind a year on.

I regret writing that email, hated Nick for telling me to do so, slapped myself for eventually sending it. But I did, and I got the reply I did not want, but prepared myself, to hear. I remembered a 2-hour-long conversation with Miss Wong 2 weeks back when I was immensely confused about her. She asked Why do we let someone we don’t really know so easily into our heart when we don’t let them easily into our home? Why do we give them easy access into our heart when we don’t give them easy access into our home? And Miss Wong offered a view that I might not have realized myself, that I give my heart away faster than most people so I will get hurt more often and more easily. Oh and I made her choke on her drink when I mentioned something I probably should not say here. My answer was that I enjoy the feeling of being in love – I want to love and be loved. I crave affection not because I lack of it, but because I want more of it. I guess I am setting myself up for disappointment then, because love is elegant. And elegance cannot be rushed. Anyway, she said it 2 years ago and I still agree with it today – that God loves us and wants the best for us but God doesn’t give us the best right from the very beginning because He wants us to be more mature and really treasure the ones we love.

1 Corinthians 13 – Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. (…) And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

Friday morning

I woke up, hoping that the previous night was a dream within a dream. I read my last message and realized everything did happen.

Let’s just be friends…

Let me be quite blunt about this…

Good night. Sorry.. ><

Sometimes I wished I have never asked her out on a date at all but I’m thankful that I had. For she changed me.

Because of her, 1 day before I made an emergency call to JS telling him that I needed to buy a good shirt for the date. My wardrobe looked like it has been salvaged from a donation dump – my only long-sleeved shirt was really formal and the rest I’d dump them than wear them. And I started to buy so many clothes because I wanted to look presentable. Heck, I’m happy with bermudas and T-shirts but that doesn’t quite cut it in the future. Fashion +1.

Because of her, I started exploring new places. I was very much in my comfort zone when it comes to eating venues and places to chill out. I now live to eat, rather than eat to live. I can actually recommend a few good places to go to for breakfast, brunch, lunch, tea, dinner and supper because I went to recce all of them with my friend. I see a part of Singapore that I never quite see before.

Because of her, I had my first true love. It’s unlike that 3 years with C – an unspoken friendship-relationship that both loathed to acknowledge. She is the first person that I felt unusually blessed and blissful to be with. And that evening is like a video etched in memory – one that I can replay back at will. But I know I won’t.

When I messaged my mum about the end of this, she replied – You dared to chase her. You must dare to let her go. And part of me really wants to convince the other part to let her go. I think she is no longer a part of my life, though she still acknowledges me. As much as it pains me to admit, she likely doesn’t think about me. Her days probably turn into months without ever fondly looking back on the time we spent that evening walking through the Gardens , watching the flowers bloom and holding hands with our fingers laced. Those memories doesn’t exist for her — or, at least, not in a way she has to acknowledge. I have to live with these memories, constantly nipping at my ankles and reminding me wherever I go.

I know that it’s not her fault. But I want to let go. I want to walk away from what we had and make every day a conscious step towards something more positive, something where I don’t factor someone into my life who no longer cares about me. I want to be brave in a way I always used to be, but haven’t been for some time. I want to return to the me who laughs at jokes the loudest and is always up to try something new. I miss her, and at times have almost forgotten who she is. Part of me believes that the moment I truly let her go will be the moment I get her back — that she is, in a way, crowding my life and preventing me from living fully. But I know that it’s not a step she can take for me.

I love her more now than I ever did, I think. And I know that part of this must be because I cannot have her, and things are always heightened with desire and longing. But I don’t know how to pretend that I don’t still burn for her the way I did when I was allowed to express it, if not more intensely.

Though unlikely, if you happen to be reading this, please know that I’ll stop reaching out like I used to. I’ll stop making a fool of myself. I’ll stop being this person that I never wanted to be. I am working every day on making my life something beautiful and fresh and interesting, something that has nothing to do with you. And I hold nothing against you — even if I wish I could, even if that would make everything so much easier — but I know I can’t be around you. I’m working up the courage to phase you out of my life (and my mind) completely, so that one day you can enter and leave as any other pleasant acquaintance might. Because I’d love to just run into you in a grocery store one day and have a nice little chat about what we’ve been up to, then go about my day as if nothing happened. But right now, I know that I couldn’t I know that seeing you unexpectedly would destroy me. One day, I will get there, though. I’ll be me again, and I’ll have forgotten this brief interlude of sorrow.

I hope you meet me when I’m that person, so you can forget who I am today.

I close this entry with a meaningful quote for the future : –

We should love, not fall in love – because everything that falls, gets broken.

I took a random test from http://www.blogthings.com/thefivevariablelovetest/ >< Really bored today. Me, a 2SG collecting and distributing food from the cookhouse. And bringing stores from here to the training ground. And creating random documents on the computer. I feel so useful already.

Propensity for Monogamy:

Your propensity for monogamy is high.
You find it easy to be devoted and loyal to one person.
And in return, you expect the same from who you love.
Any sign of straying, and you’ll end things.

Experience Level:

Your experience level is medium.
You probably have had a couple significant loves.
And you may have even had your heart broken.
But you haven’t really dated a wide variety of people.

Dominance:

Your dominance is medium.
You tend to be the one with more power.
You aren’t a total control freak in relationships..
But of course you don’t mind getting you way!

Cynicism:

Your cynicism is low.
You are an eternal optimist when it comes to love and romance.
No matter how many times you’ve been hurt – you’re never bitter.
You believe in one true love, your perfect soulmate.
And if you haven’t found true love yet, you know you will soon.

Independence:

Your independence is low.
This doesn’t mean you’re dependent in relationships.
It does mean that you don’t have any problem sharing your life.
In your opinion, the best part of being in love is being together.

Honestly, I am actually surprised by the decision to pool me. My interview was really horrendous – the first part was a chit-chat session about my involvement in the Army and (boasting) about how I totally revolutionized the Motorised Infantry development. That part went quite well, though the 15-min convo went off-tangent and I thought I came across as pretty proud at the end of it all. The second part was an academic interview about a primary school problem which I couldn’t fathom at that point in time. My mind was a blank. So yeah, I am half-pleased with the result : Thought I’d like to ask for a foot when given an inch.

I was looking forward the whole week to meeting her today. Which became a non-event due to circumstances beyond her control. I feel so disappointed that I have to wait another week to be able to see her again. That’s 3 weeks by then.

And that day is still fresh in my mind.

It is kinda ironic that I’m telling her to cheer up while I’m here on the train, tears welling up.

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1st work week of the year

It’s good to see familiar faces in camp, though my twin is out of action with teeth removal op so I’m stuck with 1 idiot, 1 slacker and 1 ap.

Why are all our understudies do immature?

I feel kinda sad for N, what with the ToT debacle unfolded and collapsed. T sort of phone jacked N’s phone with the latter’s blessing and he messaged his crush since 2011 that he ‘missed her’. She replied ‘you know, I can actually sense that when we are going out together and knew that you were afraid to express your feelings for me in late 2011 and last year. But I guess I waited too long and I can’t reciprocate your feelings now.’

It must have felt like a knee kick to the groin for N. And no, Lyndon the aforementioned idiot has to rub it in by scolding him ‘you can’t carry this so pussy, no wonder someone don’t love you.’ I almost wanted to drive off without him, leaving him to run back in the fking rain. I guess I was too nice.

Anw, he mentioned that they went out quite a lot of times, including sharing a couple seat at a cinema that she enjoyed. The thing holding him back was that he thought he might already by friend-zoned.

The Friend Zone. Snake oil that this 9gag generation believes too much in. And one that they apply too much to themselves.

And this Lesson in Life and Love #264

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Saturday

Cambridge D Day

That’s Decision Day. But it ended up being Death Day too. Emo the whole Saturday morning, afternoon and evening. Acted like some guy who has lost everything and goes to a pub and drink 10 cartons of beers, gets wasted, finds a hooker, makes out and wakes up the next morning still feeling unsatisfied.

EXCEPT that I just lost an offer but still goes to the fridge and drink 1 tiny bottle of 1664, feel myself burning up, chide myself for doing such a stupid thing then naps for a while, bathes, still feeling fking hot, watches Big Bang Theory, play Battlefield 3 amidst arm spasms, swear at my dog when she came too close for comfort, ignore every message that came through asking how I am, eat a tasteless dinner, checked my phone email and Whatsapp, then go back to sleep.

I think there are lots of subject verb disagreements in the above sentence but I couldn’t care less.

I wake up the next morning, yesterday’s memories shelved.

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On a totally separate note, I am getting better at compartmentalizing my thoughts and memories. It’s a social defence mechanism, albeit short term, which relegates thoughts to a back of your mind, so that it doesn’t unduly affect your life.

I imagine it’s like safe. And inside it are happy and sad thoughts. You place them inside. And close it. You have the combination, you know what’s inside, but you never open it unless you want it to affect you.

Mine was always like a safe that couldn’t close properly. Like when my primary school friend committed suicide 2 years ago. I was a wreck. Suddenly, while walking, thoughts of the time we spent tgt would start flooding my conscience and I would remember myself at Marymount MRT, concealing my sobs. The vivid and amazing RPGs that every guy worth his salt drew out on paper on their tables. How his mum commiserated with my mum on his troubles, which my mum didn’t tell me till then. We spoke little, but it was unspoken that we would be successful together.

You see, I have lost so many of my friends already. Him was one. The second went missing in the middle of sec 2. He disappeared without his parent knowing where he was, and missing till today. The third will never be the same again. Out of IMH and was never the same person. I got to speak to him at 5SIR and he was… Calm. In a way that I fear for his future.