January 2, 2020

T A M A R A C K T I M E S GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, I wish you ableary welcome to the year 2020. Finally,a number easy to make silly glasses for!

If you slept through the fireworks on thelake on NYE, you are a hardier soul thanI, and I commend you. Even this far fromthe cliffs, they were dang loud, but alsoworth every wince. If you've never goneup to the top of Salvation and lookeddown on it all, you're missing out. I'mno poet, but it was a garden of light,and kudos to the city of Fort Brunsettand the tireless efforts of the fireworkscompanies who made it possible.

Are you the type to write out resolutionsfor the coming year? I try, heaven knowsI try, but the bon bons tempt me back.

If you want your name in the paper, sendin YOUR resolution, and I'll put it inthe column for next week. Let's see whatour town wants to change!

I know for sure I want to change the bearfamily in the woods up on Mischance. Ifthey want to set up housekeeping some-where, there are much better places thanthe mine to do it. Kids, I have it ongood authority that the local officialsare taking this very seriously, so pleasebe smart about stupid dares. Animalslike these should be hibernating at thistime of year, and if something has themout and about, a trained professionalshould be the one to find them.

January 9, 2020

T A M A R A C K T I M E S GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, I have a bigcolumn for you, so let's get right to it.Last week, I asked for your resolutions,and boy howdy did you send them in!

* Mrs. Elsa Vayn has resolved to eat at least one piece of fruit a day. * David Carmichael has resolved to go on at least one vacation every quarter, much to the delight of his less work- a-holic partner, Bobby. * Joe Quinn has resolved to lose 50 lbs. * Jane Quinn has resolved to kick Joe's patoot into gear any time he reaches for doughnuts instead of celery... * Alexander Dolst has resolved to finish the novel he has been working on since seventh grade. * Rebecca Fry has resolved to not murder her niece, or brother, for spilling neon pink dye into a vat of milk and costing the family thousands of bucks for wasted product, time, and inedible ice cream. I have it on good auth- ority that said niece and brother are banned from the barn for the foresee- able future to facilitate their con- tinued survival. * Elizabeth Fry has resolved to avoid her aunt. * Jonathan Fry has resolved to buy stock in Tension Tamer tea. * Delika Soluos has resolved to learn calligraphy, so she can start her own greeting card business. * Mr. A. Nony Mouse has resolved to get a name.

On the subject of resolutions folks askednot to be named for, we have twelve otherpeople wanting to lose weight, eleven whowant to travel more, five who want to getwealthy lovers and live out a life ofluxury, four who want to learn the fineart of cooking better for one, two whowant to do more for the environment, andone who wants to bone my editor.

January 16, 2020

T A M A R A C K T I M E S GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, we are amonth away from Valentine's Day, but thatisn't stopping the stores, is it? Thankyou, capitalism, for giving me cheap yetdelicious chocolate and peanut butter hearts.

On the subject of hearts, get this: MandyHart thought Monday was going to be justanother morning, woke up, made her coffeeand ate food which she has told me to saywas more healthy than the Boston cremedoughnut it actually was, when there camea banging from her garage. In she went,and lo and behold, her garbage bins werea mess. Thinking it was a raccoon, shetidied up, looked for holes, then forgotall about it by the end of the work day.Upon arriving home again, the garbagebins were on the floor, along with thegarbage that was in them, and what didshe find but a PIG rooting around in it?As it turns out, a tourist family's pethad gotten loose, and there were happy,oinky endings all around. What a way tospend a Monday.

This was not the only animal sighting tooccur over the past week.

A showing of "Matilda" down at the ele-mentary school this past weekend was disrupted by a bleating stampede ofshaggy, smelly goats -- and the high-schoolers who set them free there aregoing to start doing some very fastcommunity service, aren't they, Samual?

January 23, 2020

T A M A R A C K T I M E S GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, it looks asthough we may have a new manicurist intown! I hear tell that Lou and Bang Bangdown at Crops and Bobbers have been talk-ing with a lovely stranger about settlinghere. Lady, come stop by the office sometime and have a chat. I still have a bitof that good coffee left that the officevultures haven't managed to pilfer.

In other news, I finally snagged a sourceyoung enough to clue me in on why we'veall been seeing glitter everywhere. Seemslike one of the local kids started aviral trend on TikTok called "angel dust-ing"... The original form called for somesort of container of white glitter to beplaced above a doorway, with the aim ofhaving it fall onto the head of the nextperson walking through, but one of theyounger ladies at the office has informedme that receiving the glitter inside ofan envelope, and filming yourself doingso, has also become a part of the trend.

Now, given the crisis going on with microplastics in our oceans, I did feel theneed to reach out to our mystery TikTok-ker, and much to my pleasant surprise,they had already established ground rulesrequiring their followers to use eco-glitters. Kudos, kid. You've got a goodhead on those glitter-crowned shoulders.

Vazi, on the other hand... I have hearda few conflicting opinions of how youmanaged to break that ankle, kiddo.

1. You were chasing a flying paper air- plane and ran off the roof. 2. You were out on the lawn and slipped. 3. Your younger brother turned into a whirling dervish of dooooom and your ankle was sacrificed to the Lego gods as tribute.

I'm going for Lego gods. If you have everhad kids who had Legos, I know you willbe too.

January 30, 2020

T A M A R A C K T I M E S GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, I've got acute one for us. A special someone (hinthint, his name rhymes with 'hill' and heowns a bar here in town) is turning 65next week, and he may or may not be get-ting a present from a mysterious benefac-tor... If I were he, I'd keep an eye out.That gift looked hot!

In related news, kudos to your son, Bill,though I have seldom had more cause touse the 'facepalm' emoji than I did thispast weekend. For folks new to the area,Bill's son is a trainee for the localvolunteer firefighters. A tourist slippedand fell over the southern bridge intothe Tam, and they're okay, thanks to Billand some good bystanders, but theywouldn't have fallen in the first placeif they hadn't been bending backwardsupside down over the edge of the railingto get a selfie... Their GoPro was notrescued, and neither, I'm told, was theirsmartphone. Seriously, people. No selfieis worth your life. Hypothermia is not ajoke.

Last but not least, for disclosure, EmmaRichards has paid me in Cadbury CremeEggs to publically state the following:she heard on the grapevine that her long-time boyfriend, who broke up with herlast Spring, has recently been acceptedinto the NASA space program, and shehopes he does so well that he becomes oneof the next astronauts to land on theMoon...and stays there, preferably aloneand choking on his own hot air.

Sorry, Dave. Shouldn't have done that.

February 6, 2020

T A M A R A C K T I M E S GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, angel dusthas officially been sanctioned, and notin the good way, in a town hall meeting.Local EMTs took three people down to thehospital after a massive glitter-splosionaccident where balloons half-filled with"angel dust" were popped by accident, allat once, by a falling ladder at the TownHall itself, sending pounds of the stuffright into eyes and airways.

On the bright side, you can be proud ofone thing: you, and your TikTok friends,have leveraged your fifteen seconds offame to get glitter officially labeled adisturbance to the peace.

Envelope-form only, kids.

Now, I do have some bad news. Nettlewon't be staying on as our new manicuristafter all, but she says she has enjoyedgetting to know the ladies, and some ofthe gentlemen, of the town in the shortwhile she has been here. We wish her allthe best in her new life as a millionairelottery winner, lucky duck. When I askedher about her plans, she said she and herhubby have decided to find their dreamhome in the hills of Italy, and intend tospend their days posting YouTube videosof their costumed cats putting on felineversions of Shakespeare.

To each her own, but I'll keep an eye outfor those videos, Nettle. Tombu is onecute cat.

Now, as much as I would love to write allof the entries we received for mostembarrassing selfies, my editor has askedme to poll the office for the top three,and these are the result:

1. When taking a selfie on a windy tower overseas, she who shall remain name- less at her own request felt quite a sudden breeze down below when her new sarong slipped free of her hips. This wouldn't have been as much of an issue if she weren't wearing her last pair of "emergencies only" panties... with holes in awkward places. 2. Every time this gentleman would try to get a picture of himself to send out to a dating service, his cat Pogo would somehow photo-bomb the shot, until he eventually gave in and just held the cat. 3. A young woman thought she looked fab, and went to take a selfie of herself down in Riverside Park. Satisfied, she posted the picture to her social media accounts, only to receive message after message asking her about the dogs. Puzzled by this, she looked more closely at the selfie, and lo and behold, a pair of dog- walkers were chatting on a bench, and their pooches were doing it, doggy- style of course, behind them.

Immortalized by the internet. Ever wonderwhat aliens would think about our speciesif they watched what we post for the universe to see?

February 13, 2020

T A M A R A C K T I M E S GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, we have aKip Kensington-esque Valentine's Day failto share with you all. No, sadly, Kiphimself is not a part of it. Kip, you'rebeing entirely too circumspect lately.

But enough of Kip. On to today's gossip!Upon waking up yesterday morning, the 80-year old Mrs. Mitchell, a retired schoolcounselor, looked out her front door andsaw that she had a package waiting. Nothaving ordered anything recently, she wascurious nonetheless, and the anonymity ofthe box and its sender really should havebeen a clue.

Long story short: a delivery of very sexytoys and playthings spilled out in rubberand lace all over her table...

Thankfully, a very "loving" note insidethe box sent with the items did includethe name of the intended recipient, ayoung woman who lived in the house nextdoor. Let this be a lesson to all whoorder gifts online: double-check yourdelivery addresses, or you could sendkinky sex toys to grandmothers with heartconditions.

Speaking of delving, have you all beenwatching the news? What do you thinkabout prospectors looking at the mineagain? The town could use the money, asMayor Jack would be quick to agree, butis it worth it to have all that noiseand fuss? Why don't we just make it ahistoric landmark and be done with allof this?

In lighter news, parents, don't forget topay a visit to the library on Main Streetbefore Saturday. There's a kiddie poolof Goldfish crackers and a challenge toguess how many are in the pool for youand your kidlets to win. If you don'thave time to go in person, you can alsosubmit bets online, at the library web-site.

February 20, 2020

T A M A R A C K T I M E S GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, as it turnsout, cats really do know best about gold-fish. Jack Desrochers Jr. is the winnerof the kiddie-pool contest, but the realprize should be going to Bojangles, who,I'm told, stood on the numpad, then sathis fuzzy patoot down right on top of Mr.Desrochers' mouse-hand.

Jack, you should know better than to ig-nore Bojangles. You know what happenedlast time.

Now, Rocco, what's this I hear about youand that colorful young woman talkingabout moving in together? Dana Shelleysays she overheard you two chatting aboutlooking for a place. And here I thoughtthat girl had better taste... Guess allit takes to melt a heart of ice is awashed up (please, wash up) punk rockerwith a mouth in need of soap.

Johnny Quilby knows all about mouths inneed of soaping, now, doesn't he? Shameon you, teaching your baby brother to saythose bad words. Thank you for the laughswe all got here at the office, however,from watching the videos you posted onthe internet... Just wait until he gets alittle older and learns what those wordsall mean. I'm surprised YOU do.

The rangers have a new one for us, too,and I could have done without this one...Evidently, a herd of deer has somehowdecided to use a particular section ofthe forest as their personal toilet. Hehas never seen so much deer crap in hiscareer, and he hopes he never sees thatmuch again. Or steps in it.

Mr. Fry, I hope so too, and please let meknow how my bribe of movie tickets foryou and your wife work out, for tellingme which valley to avoid.

February 27, 2020

T A M A R A C K T I M E S GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, I have beeninformed that Rocco would never consentto the degree of cleanliness and non-smoking which would be required to cohab-itate with November.

Crushing our dreams of romance in the budseems to be a theme, lately, but don'tyou worry, readers. Sit at CrossroadsCafe long enough and you'll see exactlywhat I mean.

Speaking of the cafe, Elmer, if I wereyou, I'd give up on the giant bouquets ofroses and go for something subtler. Anice necklace, or a bracelet... Why, I'veheard rumours of a new jeweler setting upshop down in the city at the farmer'smarket. She doesn't have much stock, butshe says she's made it all herself, andmy sources claim the gems look real,engraved silver, filigree pendants, semi-precious stones and all.

We're getting closer to March, and thetime of green beer approaches. I got asneak peek at the vats over at I FeelHoppy this week, and the brewery is kick-ing into gear, big-time.

What do you think? What's your idealgreen in beer? If I'm going to be drinking dye, I'd want to go all the wayin, but on the other hand, if they canuse natural ingredients to achieve simi-lar coloration without sacrificingflavor, which they claim they are goingto do, why not?

March 05, 2020

T A M A R A C K T I M E S GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, we have anew brawl under our collective belts! I'mpleased to say that, while patrons of thelibrary were disturbed by the noise out-side, the two sisters involved, MerleDalton and Sophia Caruso, were courteousenough to keep the fight to words insteadof blows. Why, I even heard bits of itmyself, through my little office window,incoherent though it was. From what I'vegathered, folks say it was ultimately oneof the employees at Crossroads Cafe whocame out and broke it up. Those are sometough women. I'm not surprised.

Speaking of Crossroads Cafe...

A tall, long-haired eccentric whom mysources call Ishmael had a bit of a glit-ter problem there. To be more specific,he blew glitter all over that lovelyyoung lady, Saga, during breakfast.Frankly, I'm surprised he was let insidethe building in the first place. Isn't itsupposed to be "No shirt, no SHOES, noservice"?

I've heard a few comments from the staffover at Sweet Treats, too, about a man ofsimilar description loitering there foran entire day. If he'd been doing some-thing useful, they said, they wouldn'thave cared as much about his bare minimumpurchases and cheapo ways, but reading abook with no text in it? Really?

As bizarre as this town can be, I have nodoubt he'll fit in just fine.

Last but not least, that freak hail stormyesterday spooked part of the Fry dairyherd, and I'm told they'll be looking forsome construction workers in the nearfuture, to replace the fencing scaredy-cows broke through...

No one was hurt, and the ladies were re-covered safely. They're in another fieldfor now, but don't you worry. I've beenassured that they'll be back home in ajiffy.