“My name is Tree, but call me George”

If You’re Raised by a Nonconformist to be a Nonconformist and It Works, Does That Make You a Conformist?

Because, you see, you’re doing what you were brought up to do, what is expected.

First responses to this question ranged from confusion (“Yes, no, maybe? Hopscotch with dominoes. Will there be a test?”), to instant understanding (“You would conform differently,” and “The question of my existence . . .”) to a full-throated defense of nonconformity as either creative and joyous originality or as the only sane response to an insane society.

One person pointed out that if she “raised a non-conformist, it would be a straight accountant that married, had a couple of kids and was Methodist or something mainline like that.” This might be called “Malcolm X John Lennon Syndrome” after an old Firesign Theatre record of hippie parents bewailing their crazy (conventional) kid, “Ooooh, he’s so weird” Or, in a supposedly true story of a third grader’s self-introduction from long ago, “My name is Tree, but please call me George.”

Two people spoke of being raised “by VERY conservative parents,” thus having “something great to rebel against”, and in contrast, by “nonconformist parents” to “follow your bliss. Yours, not necessarily theirs.” Good points well made. My situation, though, was a little more complex. (Not whining, I just think it’s interesting.)

What if your parents were completely different from each other, the one who mainly raised you was violently at odds with the surrounding culture, and each parent was hiding or denying at least one identity? What if you never had any coherent culture to conform to even had you wished to? Anybody else in this boat? Or do you have strong feelings about this topic from some other point of view?

If so, don’t be shy! This part-Hispanic/AmerIndian, Irish-fiddle-playing, Jewish-wisecracking, somewhat-Black-acculturated, Sufi Muslim would be very glad to hear from you!

5 Comments

There are so many feelings I have regarding this topic. Also the thoughts about the feelings have changed dramatically over the course of my life. As a young child I had the sense that I had no belonging to the humans that I shared space with. I connected deeply to the plants and the animals around me and had sort of a cosmic sense that I belong to the universe. I felt both connected and disconnected from my parents who were fairly unavailable for things like guidance, boundaries, direction. The things a child would perhaps be conformed to if they weren’t being raised by parents who we’re consciously or not, doing a social experiment ( as I learned in my 30s from an interesting co-op conversation with a community member), of seeing what happened if they allow their children to “find their own paths”. In my 20s I believed that my parents were true narcissists. That because of their own wounds had no ability to offer stability or guidance as to how to live a purposeful life. I sometimes wonder, if it had not been for my godparents and the love of significant community members who stepped in to offer me guidance, where I may have ended up. While I do believe in some benefits of non-conformist behavior, I do not see it as the foundation for parenting the next generation of conscientious Beings. I also believe that the true potentiality of my Spirit was neglected in the early years and therefore things that I could have achieved have been lost to misguided choices. This is the proverbial double edge sword however, as I also believe that the misguided choices are what led me to be the powerhouse human that I have become. So whether I could have been a naturopathic doctor with a PhD or a well recognized and sought after spiritual leader, or a leader of the galactic resistance in some other paradigm, I am happy enough and feel blessed to be at the edges of the ripples that have lead to this moment in time.

First, thank you for the depth and openness of what you’ve written! Do you mind if I compare our experience, as I did with the other early comment? I hope not.

Your connection with plants, animals and the universe is such a wonderful gift. I wonder if this was the reverse side of feeling unmoored from your parents, as if the natural world (and maybe more) flowed in to fill the gap.

Parents who were “fairly unavailable for things like guidance, boundaries, direction.” Ah, there’s something we share! While Dad was loving and fun to be around, he was often working late or away on business trips, and his attitude toward my raising was, “This was your idea, you do it!” He had four children by the time I was born and had made it clear that he wanted no more, so my birth was neither planned nor unplanned, but a plot — one which resulted in nine months of angry silence according to my mother. And while Mom was enormously engaged, her policy toward moral direction was hands off. “I’m not a dictator, decide for yourself.” Stealing was wrong, murder was not mentioned, but everything else was on the table.

“The things a child would perhaps be conformed to if they weren’t being raised by parents who were consciously or not, doing a social experiment . . . of seeing what happened if they allow their children to “find their own paths”. Yup. Is anybody else reading this the product of a conscious experiment? Feel free to jump in! Now, there are certainly advantages to the “find your own path” approach. We’ve all seen terrible outcomes from parents trying to mold children against their characters — painter into doctor, skeptic into evangelist, gay into straight — but a few little common-sense instructions (as mentioned above) are apt to be missed.

“In my 20s I believed that my parents were true narcissists. That because of their own wounds they had no ability to offer stability or guidance as to how to live a purposeful life.” I’ve never been able to figure out who is or is not a narcissist. Is this because no one close to me was, or because many of them were? “I sometimes wonder, if it had not been for my godparents and the love of significant community members who stepped in to offer me guidance, where I may have ended up.” You have made order out of chaos to an impressive degree, and mostly by your own efforts, inner guidance and intelligence! It’s good that some others were able to help as well.

“While I do believe in some benefits of non-conformist behavior, I do not see it as the foundation for parenting the next generation of conscientious Beings.” Pretty much agreed. But this also brings up two complex questions: First, who or what is being conformed to–parents, family, tribe, community, or what is imagined to be “society” as a whole–but never is! And second, is how positive or negative is the pattern being imposed? Which can range from the wondrous to the disastrous.

“I also believe that the true potentiality of my Spirit was neglected in the early years and therefore things that I could have achieved have been lost to misguided choices. This is the proverbial double edge sword however, as I also believe that the misguided choices are what led me to be the powerhouse human that I have become.” Isn’t that interesting? If we hadn’t made and suffered all those messes and disasters, we would not be who we are now, (and our wonderful children might not exist). If we’re pleased with it (at least most days), well, no other path would have brought us right here!

“So whether I could have been a naturopathic doctor with a PhD or a well recognized and sought after spiritual leader, or a leader of the galactic resistance in some other paradigm . . .” Of course you could, and you would have been amazing! (This is why, at 67, I still dream of law school.) I’ll let you have the last word, because your last word is beautiful. Thank you, Sunshine, for all you do in this world. You are well named!

” . . . I am happy enough and feel blessed to be at the edges of the ripples that have lead to this moment in time.”

No confusion, simply an attempt at humor from this one that was not raised in any traditional sense, conformist, nonconformist, good or bad; perhaps feral might be the best description of being raised that this one can conjure.

Early significant life path memories include chasing away, with a broom, Baptist “mercenaries” as a 4YO child because they made my mother cry. In a fit of despair and anger having mother threaten to abandon this one with an ungodly neighbor. Understanding at a very young age, perhaps 8 or 9, that one needs to be able to take care of oneself in the greatest sense of personal well-being while also “somehow” protect and serve a physically crippled, beaten down by life single mother with a grade school education. Being raised by a soul knowing only deep physical and mental pain with little skill to provide even the most basic of inspiration, guidance, or social guidelines beyond the daily soul crushing struggles of life and the example set by her determination to keep going and survive to find mere glimmers of joy.

Memories of being sent to “bible school” as a pre-teen only to have the church ladies say this one would never go to heaven because this one is nothing but a bastard son and a waste of their time. This one questioned the story being taught, as any open fragile mind might do, when a “true story” is filled with the incomprehensible.

Later, as a teen, understanding the true blessing was to have not been subjected to the brain washing of classmates and free to seek and walk this one’s own path in a way true to heart. Searching for truth by communing with nature, through the wonderful music of the time, by graceful acts of the village this one was “raised in”, through amazing spirits of many feather, by grounded hard working human examples. Reading Carlos Castaneda as a teenager, seeking and being gifted by the creator a first real glimpse of deeper world behind the veil.

Understanding that observation and humility are the best teachers, that self reliance is not only earned but required, that fear is a liar. Discovering in horrific ways that this world holds many false profits and charlatans stealing souls and seeking to destroy lives. Learning that one can “see” true hearts and “know” great truths if the quiet voice is sought in sacrament and council. Knowing that deep journeys into the dark world; searching for the depths of existence and the edges of light’s penetration are sometimes part of the truest journey and may be required to move beyond the pain.

In the end searching and finding that, this one’s path, travels on the Red Road of ancestors unknown; following a duty to grounded purpose, of connections with all possible, of acceptance of and taking action in the world, of a life given in service, and a life that embraces the hearts deepest joys of time and place.

Perhaps the original question is one that, for this one, is simply such a privilege to be able to ask that there is no connection or real meaning. Not one of confusion; having not been “raised” nor having raised any in a traditional or parental sense it’s a question without an answer.

Mentorship and providing opportunities have been this one’s closest role, a role that embraces helping all and any find and understand their true path and heart – conformity is not part of that equation – that is a question answered if and when the one lead finds purpose and a joy.

Seems to this one that the question of conformity is a judgment of one soul to another and not a measure of substance or joyous life path.

Your attempt at humor was a success!”Feral” versus “raised”, woah, interesting distinction. Kids in my neighborhood were ‘free range’, but certainly not feral. Of course the very term raised implies privilege (also Southern-ness, but that’s another story for later) and I’ll cop to it. I was ridiculously privileged, though my half-brother once compared my mother to Cruella Deville. If you’ll forgive me, I’ll respond paragraph by paragraph and number them. There’s so much here.

(2) Wow, your mother! And your courage and strength (and hers), not that you were given a choice, but still, not everyone could have survived let alone triumphed, as I know you have. And again, you and I are opposite. I was originally a plot and then a science experiment, always under an observing gaze, always taught and questioned.

(3)Bible school. My immediate reaction is an old-fashioned swear, “Those sons of bitches!” Ironic, because it again puts the blame on the mother. Second response, a strong wish that those people may “fall into the pit they have digged for another!”as an old-fashioned Bible translation rendered it. Down girl, they’re all in God’s hand, even people who would do this to a child. He knows how to deal with them, and probably has.

(4) Oh, Jim! As we Muslims say, “Alhamdulillah!” “All praise to God!” Or, “Everything is praising God all the time, consciously or unconsciously.” I have to type your words of glory and beauty again here. Thank you!
“Later, as a teen, understanding the true blessing was to have not been subjected to the brain washing of classmates and free to seek and walk this one’s own path in a way true to heart. Searching for truth by communing with nature, through the wonderful music of the time, by graceful acts of the village this one was “raised in”, through amazing spirits of many feather, by grounded hard working human examples. Reading Carlos Castaneda as a teenager, seeking and being gifted by the creator a first real glimpse of deeper world behind the veil.” (Have to add that I read Castaneda too and found his works powerful (!), but that was later. The books that sparked my mystical awakening and journey were C.S. Lewis’ Perelandra and Hesse’s Steppenwolf at 14 and at 20-something.

(5 and 6) Yes. Amin–so be it, so it is! Alhamdulillah!

(7) At first I was ashamed to have asked, from my position of privilege, trained almost from birth by a philosophy major. But if I had not asked, the amazing things you’ve written here would not have poured forth!

(8) Yes, “a path with heart” (as taught by Don Juan) is the real way. Which is what another commenter meant by “follow your bliss. Yours, not theirs.” It can be anything–music, gardening, chemical engineering, hard daily grunt-work, having children–and only each individual soul and God know what it is. And (9) again, if I had not asked this possibly frivolous and pointless question, you would not have written this and we would not be privileged to read it! “Chase the light, absorb the light, be the light”!Thank you!