1. PHOMBIESFirst cab off the rank = what I refer to as Phombies (phone zombies). These fuckwits are glued to whatever's happening on their phone. It doesn't matter how crowded the place, or how many people they are holding up, both their brain cells are fully occupied by looking down at the screen. As a result of this, their legs usually appear to have ceased functioning.

They will get to the top or bottom of an escalator - which doesn't require them to move their legs, thus ensuring both brain cells are available for the phone - and then stop dead, resulting in a human pile-up. Alternatively they will somehow have coerced their legs into moving, but at such a pace (actually pace is the wrong word, as it suggests at least an element of speed), that everyone behind them is held up and has to put the brakes on.

This happens to me every day at lunchtime. EVERY DAY. As I pass them I often say "Phombie!" out loud. They wouldn't know I'm talking at them, or even if they did they wouldn't understand it, but that's okay, it makes me feel just a sliver better about having been held up, and is probably preferable to ripping their heart out bare-handed which is what I really feel like doing. One of these days one of these fuckwits is going to have no fewer than 105 kilos of pissed off JJ going straight through their back doors.

Next?

Well who's that shouting? John, ex-Moderator - all he ever gives us is pain!

Parents with massive buggies or prams or whatever. They seem totally oblivious to the fact that said buggie is taking up 90% of MY space on a train, in the supermarket queue, in the bank or in the lift etc.

Number 1: I don't think your baby is cute - in fact the chances are I think they are moronic looking.

Number 2: If you push that buggie into my leg again I'll wrap it around your neck!

Shop assistants who ask you if you want a plastic bag, despite the fact I obviously have my own bags to specifically avoid being robbed of 5p every time I buy something. If I want a plastic bag, I will ask you for one.

Shop assistants who lick their fingers in anticipation of passing you a plastic bag, because they are seemingly unable to handle anything without the added grip that their vile bodily fluids provide. Protip: if I want saliva all over my shopping, I have plenty of my own, you witless oxygen thieves.

People in general In particular, people who get in my way on pavements - which is pretty much everyone. Whether they're walking too slow, faffing about on their phone (Phombie), weaving slowly across the width of the pavement or are in a group of people taking up the whole pavement!!! Getting angry just thinking about it, haha!

a) The brain-dead variety:Very large shopping centre. We had to wait quite a while before a lift came, we got in on level 1, to go down to the car park at level 4. We had a flat bed trolley of heavy shelving, so had no option but to get the lift.Mad woman gets in the lift at the same time, also with a full trolley, and says to us in a very indignant voice "I can't remember where I've parked my car - I've got no idea where it is - so I'm going to press every button!" And that she did.Did she think we'd hold the lift for her on each floor while she got out and had a look round for her car or something? FFS!

b) The lazy bastard variety:You get in a lift on the 21st floor to go down to ground level. It then stops on level 20 for someone else to get in. The lazy bastards then proceed to push button 19. When there are stairs nearby - whatever their shape/size - these people really piss me off unless they're somehow incapacitated. It's probably taken them longer to walk to the lift and wait for it to come than taking the stairs would've done. I find a little solace by registering your feelings by making a small but still just about audible sigh and/or look at your watch. I try and do both when the opportunity arises.

c) The self-important variety:If I'm already in the lift when you get in, you can be certain it's because I'm wanting to go somewhere. I guarantee I'm not there because I want to spend all day in it. So if you're still deep in conversation by the lift when it arrives, then finish the feckin' thing BEFORE you get in the lift rather than get halfway in, then stand there in the doorway pressing the DOOR OPEN button delaying the rest of us while you finish boring the living shit out of whoever it is you should have finished talking to already. Selfish tosser. Get in, shut the fuck up, and let's move FFS!! No-one else gives a shit about your almost certainly very dull conversation which is so important you're obviously having to move away from it halfway through it.

d) The noisy eater variety:I hate noisy eaters generally - in fact they're a separate subject all on their own - but I particularly hate them when combined with The Lift Moron. Get in the lift, there are 5 or 6 people already in there, and one of them clearly has a takeaway because I can smell it. As soon as the doors closed, he started to eat with his mouth open, smacking his lips etc, so even though my back was to him I heard his disgusting noise right behind my head. Tosser. Hope the lift stopped suddenly and inserted a chip the wrong way round down his throat. JJ: "Is that gurgling sound you still just eating noisily, or because you're choking to death?" Wanker: "guuuurgleuuurgh". JJ: "Death it is, then. Enjoy." JJ exits lift.

Well who's that shouting? John, ex-Moderator - all he ever gives us is pain!

No, I'm not talking about a poet Even if they didn't know itI'm talking about the gits Who always give me the shitsCos when they're talking 'bout their teams They don't know what the word 'verse' means

I'm referring, of course, to the uneducated morons who, when referring to their next opponents in sport, ask "Who are we versing next?"The word 'versus' has been twisted and abused and through everyday vernacular has now become a verb unconnected with poetry. For goodness sake, people, I'm not a grammar nazi (actually I am), but in the vain hope you're not a moron yourself, TEACH YOUR PUTRID CHILDREN TO SPEAK PROPER ENGLISH LIKE WHAT I DOES!! What makes it worse is that I fear with the increasing amount of use it will inevitably find it's way into some sort of urban dictionary.

While we're on the subject of grammar...

4. WOULD OF / SHOULD OF / COULD OF

Just go away and die! I expect to see it in the Australian Daily Telegraph which is written by fuckwits for fuckwits, but I've even seen it once on the BBC, FFS! These people are morons that "should of" [sic] been drowned at birth, thus removing them from the gene pool. It doesn't do to be a grammar nazi on an internet forum, but I can assure you every time I see it, I seethe just a little bit more inside while having to restrain myself.

Well who's that shouting? John, ex-Moderator - all he ever gives us is pain!

I literally can't stand people who like literally use theses words in like lliterally every sentence.

Oh dear god. I have to walk away when someone utters the crap written above. We were in New York last November and overheard 2 women (mid 20s) and literally every like 2nd or 3rd word was like so annoying. I literally had to like stop myself from like going over to her and like literally telling her to shut up.

In the space of 3 stops on the train she had used the words literally and like over 30 times! I know I shouldn't have done it but when we were getting off I went over to her and said 'I like literally can't believe how like many times you used the words literally and like on this train'. It's literally like you can't speak English like correctly. What did I get back? Literally a blank stare.

People who have really loud/long phone conversations on the way to work in the morning. Why on earth do so many people need to have massive conversations at 8am!!! In fact, why do so many people need to have constant phone conversations whilst out/doing shopping/in queues etc?At my local post office pick up place, there is a poster that says something like "we understand your phone conversation is important to you so we won't try to serve you whilst you are talking". I bet the meaning is lost on most people....

When I am standing at the lights and have pressed the button to cross (because I'm not a moron just standing there for no reason) and some Fwit comes along and manfully presses the button as if MY press just wasn't gonna do it! Same as some idiot getting in the lift and pressing "G" or equivalent when it's already pressed (and illuminated) !!sheesh

crowbaby wrote:When I am standing at the lights and have pressed the button to cross (because I'm not a moron just standing there for no reason) and some Fwit comes along and manfully presses the button as if MY press just wasn't gonna do it!

YES!! Glad it's not just me... I mean what do these idiots think I'm doing there? Just hanging around at a crossing because I have nothing else to do? Sunbathing? Soliciting? And here's a little tip for these wankers - you only have to push it once. Multiple pushes - yes, even at pace - have no additional effect. I hope they dislocate their finger or something.

Well who's that shouting? John, ex-Moderator - all he ever gives us is pain!

I'm really liking like the fact that chew all like like some much, it's so literally amazin, like.

I really get pissed off by people who get in the way in supermarkets. You know the type they don't seem to have a clue what they're looking for and meander aimlessly down the aisles, it's often a family of four or more and they completely block the gangway. And women who block the gangway by placing their shopping trolley across it instead down the aisle.

It's bad enough that I have to use the bloody bus in the first place. It's even worse that for another couple of years the bus lane on the motorway is shut while the forward thinking tossers that built it now widen it. But this hellish scenario becomes unbearable when confronted with the Bus Driver With Concrete Foot. He must have such an ailment, because he only has two speeds: Fast and Stop. Forget trying to read a book, it's like being on a flat fairground ride, with the ups and downs being replaced by the starts and stops, as you are thrown about into the next person, the pole in front (pole as in metal thing that goes up to the ceiling, rather than a northern European). Do you know what? He probably hates being stuck in the traffic as much as I do. But do you know what (part two)? It's his feckin' job, so get on with it without trying to induce vomiting in your passengers. Tosser.

Well who's that shouting? John, ex-Moderator - all he ever gives us is pain!

Didn't know you were an equestrian Crowbaby. Liked the link, mind you as a car driver I hate the idiots who find it amusing to walk down a high street pressing all of the crossings without actually using them.

I know you're slim and fit, I know you could run round the block without the merest hint of an asthmatic wheeze. That does not - EVER - make it acceptable to run from A to B in the office just because you feel like it, especially in a slow-paced Steve-Austin-bionic-man impression style. If you're that busy get in earlier.

Well who's that shouting? John, ex-Moderator - all he ever gives us is pain!