My First Girlfriend Just Got Married And I Feel Old AF

I’m 22 but I’m already having a quarter-life crisis. Life moves so fast and sometimes it makes your head spin.

Waiters call me “sir” now, like I’m a goddamn elderly British socialite. I’m starting to grow up, and it’s a bizarre feeling. Childhood is over. Hell, even two of my biggest childhood heroes have let me down (Bill Cosby is a rapist and Michael Jordan is a crying meme). And due to the trials and tribulations of adult life, my unreasonably high sex drive is now combined with a new unparalleled economic anxiety (I now jerk off while fantasizing about job interviews).

I’m hitting a bunch of milestones in young adult life. I have a few friends that are getting engaged, which is odd to see. Three of my best childhood friends are even becoming elementary school teachers, which is terrifying. And I recently got drunk on wine instead of whiskey. I didn’t really enjoy it. It made me feel like a suburban soccer mom. I just feel so old lately. Hell, the other day I even found a grey pube.

But I recently hit the most surreal milestone yet: The first girl I ever dated just got married. Now, I’m not necessarily super shocked, as I always suspected she would get married at a relatively young age. All her siblings got married in their very early 20s, and her family was extremely Christian (which is probably why our relationship didn’t work out). Me and this girl dated when I was a mere 14 years old. FOURTEEN. That shit seems like an eternity ago now. Back then I still had two Korn albums on my iPod.

We dated for a year. Back then I lived in Chicago, then my family moved to Baltimore when I was 16 (don’t worry, ‘Hairspray’ Baltimore, not ‘The Wire’ Baltimore). But I haven’t seen her at all since the breakup. This makes it extra weird, because the last time I saw this chick she was 14, so in my head, she’s still 14. And 14-year-old girls shouldn’t get married! What is this, an arranged child marriage? Disgusting.

Your first relationship is always an interesting (sometimes brief) chapter in your life. It’s like a test run. You know nothing about relationships, or even yourself, so you’re just kind of winging it, stacking up a shitload of mistakes and learning a list of lessons for later in life. It’s an important thing, and something that deserves to be looked back on fondly. This girl was cool. But that doesn’t make this feel any less crazy. I feel old as fuck now.

My first girlfriend is getting married, and next thing you know my second girlfriend will get married, then my third. Hell, my second and third girlfriends were both bisexual so they’ll probably marry each other (and if they have any manners, send me a honeymoon sex tape they made as a Hanukkah gift for me).

So despite this bittersweet feeling that puts my stomach in knots, I raise my glass to this girl and the fellow she just got hitched with. I wish them the best, but frankly, I’m glad I wasn’t invited to the wedding. I know I would have gotten drunk and asked her new husband what her pussy was like, because if it’s like our relationship, that means it’s very shallow..