22 October 2010

As recently noted here, it has in the last few months become impossible to purchase Burts bacon-flavoured crisps where I live, which is of course a major inconvenience. It must be the government's fault.

Anyway, I decided to take matters into my own hands: earlier this month we went down to Devon for the weekend to celebrate our anniversary, and Devon being the home of Burts, and Burts bacon crisps being key (along with champagne and chocolates) to romance, on the Monday of our return I telephoned said producers of tasty potato-based comestibles and asked if we could drop in and buy some. They were slightly taken aback by this suggestion, until I made it clear that I was not just talking about one packet: I wanted a boxful. At this point, the very nice lady who had answered the phone audibly relaxed, having realised I wasn't just any old weirdo who wanted to walk in off the street and buy crisps, but a really dedicated weirdo who wanted to buy in bulk. Given the option of a box of 10 large packs or of 20 small packs, I went for the latter -- slightly better for the diet, and definitely better for spreading the pleasure over a longer period of time, even though the larger packs are technically better value per kilo (look mum, I'm buying crisps by the kilo!).

Later that day, we tooled up outside the Burts unit on the outskirts of Plymouth. The crisps, and a modest invoice, were waiting for us in reception. Rather pleasingly, the crisps had actually been made on our anniversary. (Sidenote: in reception, there is a display of the full range, and it turns out that the company also makes the exceptionally hot and utterly addictive Nando's Piri-piri crisps. Recommendation is mandatory.)

A couple of days ago, I opened the box and we consumed a packet. Seriously, Burts bacon crisps are better than alcohol or ice cream. Bliss.

12 October 2010

My name is Robert Kyle, the current Capt. International Security Assistance Force (ISAF) and Commander, U.S. Forces Afghanistan. Please there is a serious business I have for you.There's a consignment I want you to receive on my behalf. I shall give more information when I hear from you.Thank you and keep it secret.Regards,

CAPT. Robert Kyle

How exciting! I wonder what it is he wants me to do. I also wonder why he's using an Italian webmail address. And why the subject line, "Reply me soon" is such bad English.