I'm digressing a bit from the LadyKiller's topic of creating tension. There are other columns this week that will offer splendid advice on crafting suspense in stories. As for me, I have a cloud of tension in my office. It is oppressive, raining down upon me each time I turn on my computer.

The tension blooms in my email box every morning. Every afternoon. Every time I open Hotmail looking for replies to missives I've mailed to colleagues and friends.

The emails make me tense up and seethe. And grit my teeth. And growl from deep in my throat.

I get tense during the holidays because I dislike being badgered, hounded, pressed to buy this or that because it's the greatest thing ever and it's not going to be on sale after this weekend and those on my gift list would love it and I should order two or three so I have them on hand for last-minute presents and it's the collector's edition only found on-line and it will ship free if I spend $49 and it comes in several colors and sizes and it is flame-retardant and it has a five-star rating and it will improve your life and comes with an extended warranty at no extra charge.

Yeah, I get tense.

Barnes & Nobel, Amazon, Best Buy, Dollar General, eBay . . . because I purchased something from them earlier in the year, or simply visited the websites, they somehow captured my email address and so are inundating me with Cyber December Last Chance Buy One Get One Half Off Today Only sales. And not just one email a week...they send one every day, or in some cases three or four times a day. I've hit "unsubscribe" and I still get them. Yes, I know it's all about the "cookies," and not the prettily decorated Christmas cut-out kinds. Mmmm ... with butter cream frosting and red and green sugar sprinkles. Yes, I know I need to go into my system and delete my cookies. I'm going to do that as soon as I finish this column.

I get advertisements from Culver's and Dairy Queen and Arby's because I bit into their "birthday club" sign-ups in pursuit of a free Value Meal, Blizzard, or Cheddar Roast Beef. All my freebies were tasty, thank you kindly.

I get appeals from the Humane Society, Animal Welfare League, World Wildlife Federation ... because I've sent them donations. I'm currently supporting the ASPCA instead because they don't send me emails. I'm going to write them a check today, after I delete the cookies.

I understand that the stores need to sell, the restaurants need to lure customers, and the various organizations need to raise money. I get it. But I don't get the inundation, the mind-numbing relentless pursuit of my business ... 'cause those things have the opposite effect on me. The over advertising, pleas, and flashy banners that keep popping up in my email account ... in BOTH of my email accounts ... piss me off.

Make me tense.

Hmmmmm. My first Piper Blackwell novel, The Dead of Winter, is about a serial killer who targets a group of people that pressed the wrong button in his life. Maybe there's a Piper story in the Cyber-Black December-Sale To Remember-Clearance barrage. Maybe someone had well more than enough and decided to do something about it. Maybe I'll sketch out the bones of a story during commercials in the next football game. Battery charges not included.

2 Comments

Very entertaining, Jean. Your post was almost like a video show. I hate high pressure tactics like that, too. I once made the mistake of attending a "free breakfast and informative meeting" regarding some time-share condos in Florida ostensibly to get some discounted tickets to Disneyworld. The high pressure sales tactics were unbelievable and after turning down numerous pitches by several sets of salespeople, I finally had to tell them I was ready to knock over the table if they didn't cease and desist. The free breakfast was lousy, too.