Seven Common Feelings of NICU Parents

By Sarah Lyons

Sitting beside your baby in the NICU can bring an array of emotions for parents. Seeing your child hooked up to machines with wires attached to his body can be scary and overwhelming. The majority of babies are in the NICU because of premature birth (born before 37 weeks gestation), but babies can be admitted for other reasons such as breathing problems, low birth weight, heart conditions and other complications. This experience can bring a variety of emotions that are normal, yet often confusing, for parents.

Loss

Like any expecting parents, NICU parents dreamed of how the end of pregnancy would be, wrote a birth plan and envisioned how the first few hours after birth would go. Mom looked forward to nursing her child, bringing home a healthy newborn and starting life with the new addition to the family. When Baby is in the NICU, the experience is very different. Moms may grieve the loss of the end of the pregnancy and feel jealousy toward other mothers who carried their babies full term and experienced a typical birth with big, healthy infants. Having to wait for the appropriate time to feed your baby, ask for help picking him up and worry about germs when he comes home because of his lower immunity are all frustrating and far from what parents hope for. Feeling a sense of loss over these things is totally normal. Acknowledge your feelings and talk them through with a loved one or a professional counselor. In time, you can begin to set new dreams and goals for your family’s future.

Fear

Fear is a common and totally normal response to having a baby in the NICU. Most parents have no previous experience with the NICU, and this creates a fear of the unknown. Parents worry their child will have long-term medical issues or that they are not capable of caring for him at home. The nurses and doctors are there to explain things to you and help you understand what is going on. Their goal is for you to feel comfortable caring for your child, both in the hospital setting and after it is time to go home.

Guilt

Parents often question what they could have done differently in order to have a different outcome, a normal birth and no NICU stay. Mothers in particular blame themselves for the situation. Feelings of guilt and blame are common when Baby is in the NICU, but most premature babies are born early for unknown reasons. In the majority of cases, nothing could have been done to prevent premature birth. Discuss your feelings with your partner and with the medical staff in the NICU. They will help you work through your feelings and move forward as a family.

Feeling “on display”

Many NICUs have open areas with multiple cribs. Parents can feel like they get little or no privacy. Curtains can do little to keep conversations private, and nursing moms can feel like they are out in the open. Nurses and doctors are in and out all the time, giving parents the feeling they are watched constantly. Although the circumstances are uncomfortable, you should note the NICU staff is watching to make sure you know how to care for your baby, and is there to help. As a NICU parent, let family and friends know you need some time alone to unwind; they will be happy to give you the space you need.

Powerlessness

In the NICU your baby will be surrounded by nurses and doctors who are caring for her. It’s normal to feel overwhelmed by the medical equipment. Ask the nurses to teach you how to work around the tubes and wires to change diapers, take temperatures and bathe your child. Once you begin to be a part of your child’s care, you will begin to feel less helpless and more like a parent of a newborn.

Anger

Some parents may have feelings of anger that their child is in the NICU. Blaming doctors, NICU staff or your partner for the situation is all too easy. You may feel angry that someone else is taking care of your child or that you are in this situation in the first place. Anger can be expressed in different ways. One person may express her anger by acting rude, demanding and vocal, while another may retreat from the situation or into herself, resulting in a form of silent treatment. Try to let go of anger and focus on you and your baby. Vent to a friend, write in a journal or use exercise as an outlet. Feelings of anger take a lot of energy, and you will need to save all of yours for taking care of yourself and Baby.

Feeling disconnected

When a baby is in the NICU for an extended amount of time, parents may feel a disconnect from their child. These feelings can be surprising and disturbing but they are both normal and common for NICU parents. Shortly after birth Baby may have been whisked away for medical care. Hours pass before the baby and parents are reunited, and then it may be several more days before parents can safely hold their child. Mom is often released from the hospital long before Baby is allowed to join everyone at home, and during that time the main caregivers are doctors and nursing staff. It is easy to see why parents would feel disconnected from their child. Be honest about your feelings and share them with the NICU staff. They will encourage you to become more involved with Baby’s care and help you work through your feelings in a healthy way.

As a NICU parent, you may feel one or all of these emotions as you walk through this journey. Remember, the NICU staff is there to help guide and encourage you and your family through the whole process. Many NICUs also have a social worker on staff to provide any resources you may need to make a smooth transition in bringing Baby home. In time, Baby will grow and thrive, and the NICU experience will be a thing of the past.

Sarah Lyons lives in Olathe and is a mother of six children, including 2-year-old triplets who were born six weeks premature. The triplets spent 16, 19 and 41 days in the NICU before joining their family at home.

As always, please consult your health care provider with any questions or concerns.