We’re Live At WrestleMania 31! Updates From Levi’s Stadium

Welcome to the first — and hopefully not last, let’s hope I don’t fuck this up — live event update from Wrestlemania 31! It’s senior editor of very little, Chris Illuminati, and I’m sitting comfortably in the press box of the new and incredibly impressive Levi’s Stadium in the Santa Clara, California. It’s home to the San Francisco 49ers and former home to the most sensible pair of khakis to ever roam an NFL sideline.

Besides these Wrestlemania 31 live updates, make sure to check out Twitter, Facebook and Instagram for additional content, Wrestlemania photos and random Vines of precocious cats spearing one another. You really haven’t experienced live until you’ve seen a calico F5 one of its kittens.

I’ll be updating this post throughout the night (oldest stuff on bottom, newest on top) so feel free to leave comments. If it’s funny enough, I’ll toss it into this column. If it sucks, I’ll probably ignore it.

Wrestlemania 31 Live Updates

Match 9: Brock Lesnar vs. Roman Reigns for the WWE Championship

It felt like Roman Reigns started walking to the ring in the pre-show, it took him that long to get mat.

Brock Lesnar is killing him. It hurts me, I’m a mile away in a press box. I’m getting the meat sweats from it and I haven’t eaten in hours.

Brock Lesnar is bleeding. There’s blood in a wrestling ring.

SETH ROLLINS CASHES IN HIS MONEY IN THE BANK!

Seth Rollins just pinned Roman Reigns

WINNER AND NEW WWE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION: Seth Rollins

Match 8: The Undertaker vs. Bray Wyatt

I was completely underwhelmed by that Undertaker entrance. Maybe I was building it up in my head too much but Triple H got an entrance where he was a fucking cyborg, Rusev rented a tank, Sting had Rusted Root play him to the ring and the Undertaker gets the typical shooting flames and fake lightening bolts. Not impressed.

I feel like this match really lost something after last HOLY SHIT BRAY JUST KICKED OUT OF THE TOMBSTONE PILEDRIVER I CAN’T TYPE THINGS BECAUSE I’M HIDING UNDER MY DESK.

The Sister Abigail moment was clever.

If the first Tombstone don’t get ya, the second one will. Or maybe the Undertaker just wants to bring it home. That will get ya too.

WINNER: The Undertaker

The Rock shows up to poo poo on The Authority’s congratulations to themselves on a 71K crowd at Levi’s Stadium. Awesome. Can one of those 71K explain this sign? And he brought Ronda Rousey.

Match 7: Rocky vs. Ivan Drago John Cena vs. Rusev for the United States Championship

Rusev rolled up in a tank. He must of come to the stadium via Oakland.

The crowd was really against America when Cena came out. California is booing America. THEY’RE BOOING AMERICA!

A pre-taped package showing highlights of America’s great moments & included a pic of Zuckerberg & Facebook & I’m officially leaving the country.

“If Rusev hates America so much, why is he here!?!” — Jerry Lawler

In person, that Accolade looked like it hurt. Not as much as falling to the ground in heels though.

WINNER AND NEW US CHAMPION: John Cena

Match 6: Paige and AJ Lee vs. The Bella Twins

It’s really a shame I’m sitting so far away from the Divas. Maybe it’s for the best.

I’m going to take this spot here to say the Bellas have come a long way, wrestling wise. Not like I’m some authority.

“They’ve been twins for most of their lives.” — JBL

As much as I like Paige and AJ together, I could go for another feud.

Winners: Paige and AJ Lee

Match 5: Sting vs. Triple H

So when Sting enters, and I start crying like a little boy, everyone look away. Kewl?

I’m not going to lie, when those Terminators hit the entrance ramp, I called my family to say goodbye and I love them.

Triple H came to the ring as The Terminator, and speaking of coming, I think I need new underwear.

The crowd starts a “you’ve still got it” chant for Sting, effectively erasing that who TNA time period.

DX hits the ring for Team WWE for something. Where are The Horsemen?

Charles Robinson is the ref for the Sting vs. Triple H match. I’m not saying but I’m saying..

Big Show eliminates the New Day on at a time so it’s basically THE SAME OLD DAY. These guys are having A BAD DAY. I’m just going to keep capitalizing things with THE DAY. They should bring back MORRIS DAY and the time. Actually, that’s all I’ve got.

It’s Miz and Mizdow left with The Big Show and the crowd is HOT for Mizdow.

The Big Show eliminates Mizdow and the most predictable person ever wins the match.

WINNER: The Big Show

Match 1: The New Day vs. Los Matadores vs. The Usos vs. Cesaro and Tyson Kidd (Tag Team Championship)

Jey Uso leaves the match early either with an injury or early dinner reservations.

All hell has broken loose. Women and dwarfs are now involved.

I can’t keep up with what the hell is going on and I’m here live.

WINNERS AND STILL TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS: Cesaro and Tyson Kidd

Michael Cole and JBL just walked the ramp to ringside. JBL did a little two-step dance. Lillian Garcia is wearing a disco ball. It’s reflecting off the sun and melting fans sitting ringside. In related news, more seats just opened up around the ring. Visit the press box for more info.

Wrestlemania 31 weekend

We’re about an hour away from Wrestlemania 31 live from Levi’s Stadium so let’s get down to some business before the “Granddaddy Of Them All” gets underway. I’ve been in town since Friday and attended several events, both WWE sanctioned and otherwise, and here are some thoughts to kill time before the show.

NXT Live Event At San Jose State University: My panties are still wet about this show. Top to bottom, one of the most entertaining wrestling shows I’ve been to in an incredibly long time. I’ll be writing a long form piece about it later this week on the website but, if for some reason you haven’t checked out NXT yet, don’t be stupid. Watch the show and check it out live.

San Jose State University: I wish I could go back in time and put this on my short list of schools.

WrestleCon 2015: I took a trip down memory lane and checked out WrestleCon 2015. Speaking of memory lane, the fans in attendance remembered every single match those wrestlers ever strapped up boots for and the wrestlers can’t remember shit. But that doesn’t ruin it for either group.

The Art of Wrestling with Colt Cabana:Colt did a live podcast from WrestleCon. I got to sit in and watch and listen. Great show with a couple guests but my favorite part was probably Colt reading off the dumb things fans say to him while he’s sitting in the booth. Among the classics, a young girl squealing and half-crying because “this was the closest she’ll ever get to CM Punk.”