Many Shades of Gray

by Lara Wilson

For Rhi because she's made Severus much more important
to me than he was supposed to and he's taking over the damn universe.

It was nearly midnight when Severus arrived home. The battle
had wound down by nightfall, but then he'd had to make an
appearance at the Dark Court to report that his cover was intact,
and welcome the handful of new recruits from the sixth and
seventh year students. He wasn't surprised at the ones who'd
turned, but he'd faked his admiration for them and shook their
hands, all the while his stomach turned at their corruption. They
were just children.

But, then, the Dark Lord had always liked them young.

And while they sickened him, he'd been grateful to see that
Draco had survived the battle. While he'd been forced to watch
from the sidelines, he'd known his favorite student and nephew
by marriage was out there beneath a black hood. Had he
killed?

Undoubtedly.

Severus had seen the boy at Court, watched him remove his
hood and receive the Dark Lord's congratulations to the
survivors. Draco's face had been empty of emotion, but his
eyes...

Severus had seen that look in his own reflection. Dead and
numb beyond belief.

He couldn't help but believe somewhere he'd failed Draco. The
boy had shown such promise, and now that promise was all
going to waste as he became just another killer.

Shaking his head in sorrow, Severus magically unlocked the
door to his cottage and stepped inside. It was dark but a
whispered spell lit his way to his bedroom. He hoped Lilith was
sleeping, but he also hoped she was awake. He...needed her.

Quietly pushing open the door to the bedroom, he saw that his
wife was asleep, burrowed beneath the duvet. She lay on her
side facing the center of the bed, one hand on his pillow.
Longing filled him, and the need to cleanse himself in her. He
knew it was selfish, but he couldn't stop himself from lighting the
lamp next to the bed.

Lilith stirred, and Severus watched her frown slightly, mumble
something, then she blinked.

"Sev?" she mumbled groggily, raising her hand to shade her
eyes. "What...?" As she came more awake, she noticed the
ravaged look on his face, the trembling of his hands, and her
stomach dropped. "What happened?" she managed to whisper,
as she awkwardly pushed herself up against the headboard.

Severus set his wand on the night stand, then unfastened his
robes and dropped them negligently over a chair. "The
beginning." He pulled off his shirt, then sat down on the bed,
his back to her, as he leaned down to remove his boots.

"The war began," he replied, his voice empty of emotion. "They
attacked Hogwarts." She gasped behind him, but he tossed his
boots to the end of the bed and continued, "It was a slaughter".

"Oh gods..." Images exploded into Lilith's mind and tears sprang
to her eyes. Pressing one hand against her mouth to keep in her
screams, she dragged herself to her knees and pressed herself
against his back, her free arm wrapping around his chest. As
the tears began to fall, she buried her face in his neck. "Tell
me."

She felt him slump against her, a shudder of emotion going
through him, and held herself to him, so very afraid. She
dreaded the details, but she had to know.

Who had fallen... Harry? Draco? ...Sirius?

"It began early in the afternoon. Dozens of Death Eaters and
Dementors swarmed through the gates, attacking anything that
moved and trying to destroy the building itself. Albus called in
the Order and several of the students joined the fight but...So
many died, Lilith," he whispered, another tremor rocking him.

Lilith's tears fell heavier, but she knew he needed to get it out,
and she needed to hear it. "How'd they get through the wards?"

"...Ginny Weasley."

Shock made her lift her head. "What?"

"She's been a Death Eater all along, for years, probably since the
incident her first year at Hogwarts," Severus replied sadly.

"No...Oh no. She's just a little girl."

"She stood on the steps of the school and destroyed the wards
from within. None of us saw it. The Dark Lord hid her well."
Bitterness ate at him, but he forced himself to continue. "We
fought to a stalemate, well, I didn't. I was forbidden to join in
the fighting in order to maintain my cover." He was bitter about
that, as well. "None of the members of the Order were killed,
though there were several injuries. Several Aurors were lost.
Several Death Eaters, as well. Albus had some kind of attack,
but he's stable and Poppy believes he will recover."

He took a deep breath before finishing bleakly, "Over one
hundred students died. The Dark Lord chose his targets well.
When you kill children, you leave a world too shocked to
respond and parents too lost in grief to do battle."

Lilith desperately wanted to deny his statements, but she knew
they were true. Sorrow flooded her and she wept openly for the
loss of so many young lives, but she was grateful that her friends
were all alive.

And Sirius.

Pulling away from her husband, she wiped the tears from her
cheeks and got herself under control. The beginning of the war
had been inevitable.

She just wished she'd seen it.

Severus remained slumped, head bowed, shoulders trembling,
and as her own sorrow settled into a painful lump in her chest,
she reached out again and brushed her hand over his back.
Another shudder went through him.

"Come to bed, Sev," she murmured. "We both need the
comfort."

He turned to face her, and she immediately saw he needed
more than comfort. A raw and bleak hunger shone in his eyes.
He lowered them and cursed softly. "I shouldn't have come here
tonight. I need...too much."

"It's okay."

"It's not okay, Lilith. My need for you is wholly selfish. I need
your touch to make me forget the horrors I witnessed. I need
you to cleanse me of the blood spilled while I stood by
helplessly. So many deaths, so many young deaths. My..." A
sob broke from him and he quickly looked away. The hand
returned to his back in a gentle caress, and he turned, reaching
for her, burying his face in her lap. "My students...So many
dead. Such needless death," he sobbed, wrapping his arms
around her waist and pressing his face against the mound of
their child. "Oh gods, Lilith, why did this have to be this way?"

Lilith had no answer for him. All she could do was stroke her
hand over his head and shoulders, trying to comfort him the only
way she could. Severus' emotional collapse was so out of
character it touched her deeply. He'd never been this
vulnerable, this...human.

As he began to calm down, she felt his fingers moving over her
spine, kneading gently at sore muscles. The baby was riding
high and heavy, pulling on her back, and she didn't like relying
on spells to relieve her discomfort. Severus was doing wonders
with his hands, though, and, as he stimulated the nerves,
endorphins flooded her body and she softly sighed.

He looked up, his eyes rimmed in red, the lashes still damp with
tears, and murmured, "I need you, Lilith," before rising to his
hands and knees, and leaning forward to kiss her.

In the soft brushing of lips to lips she could taste his sorrow and
fear. Lilith cupped his cheeks and deepened the kiss, her own
need for comfort and touch springing to life as a warmth deep
inside her. One of his knees slid between hers and she let her
legs part, her nightshift sliding up her thighs. Her breasts began
to ache, and she slid one hand down to the ties holding her
gown closed.

Severus broke the kiss and followed the movement of her hand
with his eyes. Sitting back on his heels, he pulled the open sides
of material apart, baring her full breasts. Lilith's nipples were
dark pink and swollen, begging for his touch. Lowering his
head, he fastened his lips around one, as his hand cupped the
other breast, his thumb rubbing circles around the nipple.

Moaning in sudden pleasure, Lilith closed her eyes and relaxed
back against the pile of pillows and the headboard. It wasn't the
most comfortable position, but the desire growing in her beat
out the strain on her back.

He knew, though, and after only a few minutes, he moved them,
sliding her down onto the bed and onto her side. As she
wriggled her gown off, he rose and removed his trousers, then
rejoined her on the bed, lying on his side facing her, his head
propped on one hand. "Are you certain?" he asked hoarsely.

Her answer was a teasing hand sliding down his chest to his
groin. As her fingers wrapped around the head of his hard cock
and her thumb tickled the sensitive slit, he groaned and stuttered
her name.

He retaliated by delving his own hand between her legs, sinking
his fingers into her wet heat, and rubbing her swollen clit. As
they both gasped loudly, Severus wrapped his free arm around
her neck, pulling her towards him. Their lips and tongues
twisted together in an openly carnal kiss, as they caressed each
other until both were trembling with need. Lilith felt the shudders
beginning deep inside her and broke the kiss, crying out softly as
she arched into his touch and squeezed her fingers around his
cock.

"Now, luv?" Severus panted against her lips, his forehead
pressed to hers as he fought for control. "Are you ready?"

"...Oh yes," Lilith moaned in reply, pumping him harder as she
rocked on his thrusting fingers.

"You're going to have to stop touching me, luv," he added, a bit
ruefully. "Or I'm going to embarrass myself.

Lilith blushed and released him, then began to turn so that she
faced away from him, but he stopped her.

"I want to see you," Severus said softly, making her blush even
more at the pure desire reverberating in his sensual voice.
Rolling onto his back, he pulled her with him, helping her
straddle his hips, his hands supporting her at the waist and
upper thigh. One thumb brushed across the mound of her
stomach, as he murmured, "The life inside you has never meant
as much as it does tonight. We made life, Lilith."

Emotion choking her, she nodded wordlessly, and carefully
guided him inside her. As she sank down, she closed her eyes
and arched her head back, moaning softly as sparks of pleasure
shattered through her. She began to move, rocking her hips
and rubbing her aching clit against his pubic bone. She could
feel his cock sliding in and out of her, stimulating all the nerves
inside her, making her hot and wet and wanting to wriggle
wildly.

Severus controlled her movements, though, his hands on her
lifting her and guiding her, keeping the pace slow and steady.
He wanted this to last, but he was about to burst. Lilith was so
incredibly beautiful and so giving. For the hundredth time he
thanked whatever gods had given her to him, even for a brief
period of time.

And for the blessing of their child.

He needed that now, needed the life inside her to stem the tide
of deaths in his mind. Closing his eyes, he groaned and thrust
into her, his hands sliding up her sweat-slickened body to cup
her full breasts. As he gently squeezed her nipples, she
whimpered and shuddered, her inner muscles squeezing his
cock. He growled and bucked his hips up, driving deeper into
her, making her cry out and grab his arms for support.

Lilith's eyes flew open and her breath caught in her throat. The
pleasureful tension had crept up on her gradually, but she was
now caught on the edge of orgasm. She strained against him,
rocking harder, guiding his hands to fondle her breasts. A hiss
escaped her, his name, drawn out on a sibilant sigh, and the
sound sent a jolt of pleasure directly to Severus' cock. His hands
tightened on her breasts, his fingers pinching her nipples, and
the pressure inside her exploded.

Crying out, Lilith shuddered wildly, her orgasm flooding through
her and leaving her limp and gasping, held up only by his hands
on her waist and her own pressed against his chest. Severus
gritted his teeth and thrust at a quick, shallow pace, letting her
muscles clasp and suck at his cock until his own release came
and he spilled himself inside her.

Panting, Lilith slid awkwardly off of him and onto her side, letting
her head fall onto the pillow next to his. She watched the
tension drain from him, his body finally relaxing.

And she started to cry.

Severus quickly opened his eyes and turned onto his side,
reaching for her and pulling her head to his chest. "Lilith, what
is it? Are you," he choked and forced himself to continue, as his
hands ran over her body. "Are you hurt? Did I hurt you?"

She shook her head, her fingers digging into his shoulder as she
clung to him, weeping, all the horror finally getting to her. "The
children," she finally forced out.

Silently cursing himself, he rocked her gently. He'd told her his
need was selfish, and he'd used her for comfort. She'd been
strong and giving and wonderful, but inside she'd been
crumbling as well, and he hadn't seen it.

Slowly her tears and the hiccuping sobs stopped, and she rested
exhausted against him as he stroked and soothed her. "Never
let us go, Severus, please," she whispered hoarsely. "Swear it."

Emotion choked him, but he nodded. "I swear."

Holding each other, they drifted into uneasy sleep.

*****

Lilith awoke to an empty bed and a dull throbbing in her
temples. Rolling awkwardly onto her back, she groaned as the
baby kicked her right in the bladder. Knowing from experience
that delaying would only make things worse, she forced herself
to get out of bed and head for the bathroom.

Fifteen minutes later, showered, dressed, and feeling half-way
alive, though still trying not to think of the events of the previous
day, she slipped her swollen feet into slippers and left the
bedroom. The smell of fresh coffee and cooked sausage drew
her to the kitchen, where she found Severus standing at the open
back door, cup in hand, staring into the gray dawn.

"Breakfast is in the warming oven." He didn't turn to look at her,
simply sipped from his cup.

Seeing no evidence of any dirty plates, Lilith frowned. "Did you
eat anything?"

"No."

She sighed, but had no idea what to say to him, and her
rumbling stomach sent her to the warming oven to retrieve a
plate of sausage, eggs, and crumpets. Sitting down at the table,
she poured herself a cup of coffee, liberally adding warm milk
and sugar, and reached for her knife and the butter dish. As she
slathered butter onto the hot crumpets, she watched her
unmoving husband.

"Severus? I really don't want to talk to your back."

"Then don't talk. Eat."

Anger exploded in her, white hot, and she rose to stomp over to
him and grab his shoulder. He neither budged nor looked at
her. "Damn it! Don't you dare shut me out. You need me
more now than ever, you idiot." She smacked her fist against his
shoulder blade, then winced and shook her throbbing hand.

"Lilith...go eat," he said softly through clenched teeth.

"You swore you'd never leave me."

"I won't."

"You already are," she replied, her voice clogged with fresh
tears.

Severus' shoulders slumped and slowly he turned, his head
bowed. She could see dark circles beneath his eyes, new lines
on his face. He was miserable. "The last thing on earth you
need is me, Lilith."

The sorrow in his voice broke her heart, and she took the cup
from his hands, setting it aside, before pressing herself against
his chest and pulling one of his hands to her stomach. "You're
wrong," she swore softly. "We need you now more than ever.
You have to keep us alive, Sev, and, so, you have to stay alive,
too." She felt his hand hesitantly caress her stomach, and the
baby kicked against his palm, startling him. "See? In three
months our baby will be born and she's going to need her father
to protect her."

"I'll fail," he stated bitterly.

"You don't know that, and I don't believe that."

He gave her an exasperated, confused look, but his hand
remained pressed to her stomach, gently rubbing in soothing
circles. "Why do you believe in me, Lilith? Why do you trust
me? After all I've done..." He shook his head and she reached
up to cup one of his cheeks, stilling him.

"I just do. I just...know." Lowering his head, she raised her own
for a soft kiss, as her other hand slipped beneath his shirt to rest
over his heart. "There's so much good inside you.

"I'm a nasty, mean, old git," he snorted.

Lilith tried to suppress her grin. "Yeah, that, too, but a very good
and decent and honorable man is in here as well." Their eyes
met and her expression sobered. "They don't see that in you--
our companions, my friends. They don't see the reformation or
the struggle for redemption. Even after all you've done, most of
them don't trust you." As bleakness filled his eyes, she hurried
on, "They're limited by their own short-sightedness and
prejudices. They don't see."

"I see," she stressed. "My gift and my curse. I see what you are
and what you may become, the path you're on and the ones
before you." Her eyes lost their focus. "I've seen you holding our
daughter. I've seen you laughing with her."

"Sometimes you scare the hell out of me, Lilith," Severus replied,
his voice choked with emotion.

Shaking her head slightly, she returned to herself and smiled.
"Yeah, me too." Her stomach growled again. "Come eat with
me. I need to know what's going to happen next."

"You're the one with the visions."

She laughed at his grumbling and tugged him over to the table.
"There's enough for two, make that three." As she settled
awkwardly into her seat, Severus waved his wand and reheated
the food. Lilith dished some of her eggs and sausage onto a
second plate and handed it to him, then poured his coffee--
black, of course.

"I don't get any crumpets?"

Lilith gave her plate a guilty look. Four crumpet halves were
stacked and buttered before her. "Er...no?"

Lips quirking, Severus conjured up a hot crumpet for himself,
then pointed to her plate and sternly said, "I expect you to eat all
of those."

"Not a problem," she replied, taking a big bite. "These are
delicious."

"Severus Snape, crumpet baker," he sighed, acting the martyr.

"And a damn good one." Finishing the first crumpet, she went
for the sausage next. "So...what happens next?"

The light mood vanished but was replaced by a natural sobriety
and not the tension of before. "The school will not be
reopening anytime soon. I haven't had a chance to talk to
Albus, but I'm expecting a report some time today from Minerva
or Lupin."

"You said Professor Dumbledore had some kind of attack? Is he
okay?"

"He was stable when I left the infirmary. He's not a young man
and the stress and shock could have caused anyone to collapse.
Personally, I think his heart broke. Hopefully we'll know more
soon." Severus took a sip of coffee before continuing. "I slipped
away to the Dark Court. I knew it was expected of me."
Bitterness crept into his voice. "The Dark Lord made it quite
clear that he no longer sees a need for me to spy for him."

"That's a good thing, isn't it? I mean, you've had to feed him
some things, just like I have."

"In that aspect, yes, it is a good thing, but..." His voice drifting
away, he stared at his eggs for a long moment before forking
some into his mouth. Lilith let him remain quiet for a few
minutes, eating her own breakfast, and pondering the future.
After a few more bites, Severus pushed his plate back and
picked up his coffee. "I will now be expected to be active as a
Death Eater."

That was one thing she hadn't considered, and she paled slightly
at the implications. "Oh."

There was a bleakness to his voice as he continued that left her
cold. "I am in hopes that I shall be able to use that to discover
more of His secrets and plans than I have while working both
sides, but in order to do so, I shall have to take part in the
battles."

"In the killing."

"Pull yourself out, Severus," Lilith pled, suddenly very frightened
for her husband's emotional well-being. "Take your place and
make your stand with us."

"You know I can't do that, Lilith. The best position I can be in is
the one I'm in, a member of His inner circle and one of his most
trusted advisors. The information I gain could be vital to our
world's survival and to our victory. If I give that up, all I am is
just another warrior for the side of good."

"We need more warriors."

"But, we only have one spy."

"I don't care."

"Yes you do," he said firmly. "You know it's for the best."

"It's not the best for you, Sev. Can you do that? Can you go
fully into the darkness and still emerge whole?"

He gave her what almost constituted a rueful smile. "Lilith, I've
never been whole. I can never make up for the lives I took, and
if I have to take more, my soul is already damned, so one, ten, a
hundred more, in that regards the number makes no difference."
Tears filled Lilith's eyes, and Severus felt like a fist was wrapping
around his heart. "Don't cry...please, luv."

She sniffled. "I can't help it. I hate that you see yourself that
way. I hate that you're going to end up doing more harm to
your psyche. I hate...Him...the darkness. I don't want it in our
lives, Sev."

"And so I take the best path available to free us all from the
darkness."

"You're a hero."

At that, he snorted loudly, dark humor filling him. "Oh, my
dearest wife, I am so far from being a hero."

The tears dried up as she grew instantly indignant. "I'm a
Gryffindor. I know heroes, and you're a hero."

Severus actually chuckled, and reached for her, pulling her onto
his lap as if she weighed nothing. As she squirmed into a
comfortable position, he held her tightly and buried his mouth in
her throat, then trailed heated kisses up to her ear. "If you say
so, wife," he murmured.

"I...do," she gasped out, desire sparking in her as she licked the
sensitive spot behind her ear.

Urging her to her feet, Severus lifted her easily into his arms to
carry her out of the kitchen.

"What about my crumpets?" she asked, a bit petulantly, though
she was quickly wanting him more than food.

Muttering a quick spell, Severus swept into their bedroom where
the sun had broken through the clouds to spill warm light across
their bed. "I'll feed them to you as foreplay, luv." The plate of
crumpets settled on the night stand.