Bobby, hold on. Can I talk to you for a minute? You can run to lunch right after.

Ok, so, I got your paper. I had assigned you to do a report on the Thermidorian Reaction, you know, the 1794 internal revolt within the Committee of Public Safety that overthrew Robespierre and the Reign of Terror during the French Revolution. When I assigned this, I had expected some pretty basic features — the Montagnard conspiracy, Jean-Lambert Tallien’s scathing denunciation on the floor of the Hall of Liberty, Antoine Saint-Just speechless before his enemies. You know, the bare outline of the coup. Not even any terribly interesting insights.

You know what I got? Let me just read this.

“The ThermadorPro-Harmony PRL486GDH Pro-Style Gas Range is a marvel of domestic engineering. Revolutionary in its scope, its Star burners provide unparalleled evenness in cooking and its Quick-Clean Base allows for easy cleanup. Along with rust-proof titanium construction and cast iron grating, it also has a truly massive oven capacity at 4.4 cubic feet.”

Bobby, is this serious? Thermidor, Thermador. I get it. But did you honestly think I wanted a report on major household appliances for our unit on the French Revolution? I don’t care how evenly the Star-burners heat, or the optimal coverage they provide for pots and pans of any size. I don’t care about the powerful 22,000 BTU baking burners, or its superior convection function, or its removable griddle. I expected a report on a major moment of French Revolutionary history.

Although this oven does sound pretty nice. Does it seriously have a 1630 watt electric griddle? And full access telescopic racks? Man. That’s nuts. This really sounds like something I could use.

But that’s no excuse. You gave me two pages about a gas stove rather than seven pages about the downfall of Robespierre, and that can’t — it has simmer options that range between 375 to 3,500 BTU? And a thermostatically controlled grill?

Ok, Bobby. I’ll let it slide this time. But next time you pull something like this, it better be about a pretty awesome juicer.

This is the most inexplicable thing I have ever seen. In all my travels across timelines and parallel universes, in my journeys through space and time across sixteen dimensions, this is the one constant, the one universal standard that never varies, and against which a plane of being may be measured and found wanting: The Bertazzoni A304GGVXE Master Series 30″ Pro-Style Natural Gas Range.

I’ve seen Americas where Huey Long led a revolt against the dictatorship of Charles Lindbergh. I’ve been to Earths where the Mayans conquered Europe and altars are erected to Ixtab and Ah Pukuh in Paris and Rome. I’ve traversed dimensions where the stars never coalesced, and radiant intelligences undulate across clouds of inert gas. And in them all, there is always this Bertazzoni range.

Isn’t it stunning? How humble the universe must be! How inscrutable! Because whatever marvels there may be, whatever unimaginable wildernesses and galaxy-spanning wonders, there doesn’t seem to be a single universe that lacks its triple-glass door or balanced air-flow fan. Worlds wildly disparate — from the world where Agaz-Umatah merged with the galactic core to form a supermind that makes human intelligence look like that of a rock to that where dreams interact with space with all the certainty of gravity — all possess this same natural gas range. It seems there is no universe imaginable without it’s 15,000 BTU Dual-Wok burner or its subtle, delicate low-simmer function.

Don’t you see, Marty? It’s stainless-steel construction and convection function are not only marvels of domestic engineering, but fundamental and immutable universal attributes. One might not be remiss in suggesting that existence itself hinges upon these four sealed burners and an unmatched ability to broil.

In celebration of Presidents day, AppliancesConnection is offering 25% off on qualifying appliances, plus get free in-home delivery and no sales tax if you are not from NY State. Also, you can save more by using the coupon codes and the rebates. Additionally, AppliancesConnection is offering an installation allowance of $75. A few of the brands are having their own rebates, like Bosch, Fisher & Paykel, Frigidaire and GE Cafe.

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Whirlpool’s latest innovation is the AquaLiftTM technology. AquaLiftTM is a self-cleaning technology that uses 250-degree heat and a new oven-cavity enamel coating to clean without fuss or fumes. All you have to do is before cleaning remove the racks, scrape off excess debris, and pour two cups of water into the bottom of the cavity and after less than an hour, the cavity needs a wipe-down.

According to consumer reports, models that come with AquaLiftTM also feature a flat door with a larger viewing window – possible. The oven cavity is slightly large. And since the traditional self-clean cycle’s temperature over heats circuitry, the range requires less servicing.

Whirlpool brand places the bake element beneath the oven floor, creating a smooth, even surface that is easy to wipe clean because exposed bake elements have an irregular surface with hard-to-reach areas that are difficult to keep clean.

With Whirlpool’s 6.2 cu. ft. and 5.8 cu. ft. capacity gas ranges you can cook multiple dishes for a large family meal or prepare treats for a bake sale. You can achieve uniform baking results every time with the AccuBake® temperature management system it is a built-in sensor that monitors oven temperature and controls the cooking elements to deliver consistent results. Keep the heat inside your oven while checking on dishes when cooking without opening the door with the EasyViewTM extra-large oven window.

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