“SAN FRANCISCO—As this city gears up for the 34th America’s Cup next year, a race of a different kind has already begun: one to snag the best views of the sailing regatta.”

UH, REALLY? NO, I DON’T THINK SO. ISN’T THE “RACE OF A DIFFERENT KIND” INVOLVING THE AMERICA’S CUP ACTUALLY THE RACE FOR TEAMS, YOU KNOW, FROM SPAIN AND ITALY AND FRANCE, TO GET OUT OF COMMITMENTS TO PARTICIPATE IN THE AMERICA’S CUP? YES. TEAMS BE REFUSING TO ENTER EVEN AT THE HIGHLY REDUCED 80-SOMETHING PERCENT OFF ENTRY FEE. HAVEN’T YOU HEARD YET, SARAH? THE NEWFANGLED BOATS ARE TOO BIG. AND DO YOU KNOW WHO SAYS THAT? LARRY FUCKING ELLISON HISSELF, RECENTLY, IN THE ONLINE PAGES OF, WAIT FOR IT, THE WSJ ITSELF.* DON’T YOU READ YOUR OWN PUBLICATION? DON’T YOU KNOW THAT AC34 IS SHAPING UP TO BE A KIND OF SLOW-MOTION DISASTER?

Peter Jacobsen, a semiretired dentist from Yountville, Calif., isn’t taking any chances when it comes to ensuring a view of the America’s Cup racecourse on San Francisco Bay. Dr. Jacobsen and his wife, Gwendolyn, last year paid $158,000 for a fractional interest in a one-bedroom unit at a ritzy condo development right by San Francisco’s waterfront.

IRL, NOBODY CARES ABOUT RETIRED NORTH BAY DENTISTS ET UXESES EXCEPT NORTH BAY DENTISTS. AND WHAT’S A FRACTIONAL INTEREST IRL? ISN’T THAT JUST A TIME-SHARE?

The deal guarantees just 35 nights a year at the property—but importantly, a Bay-view unit for two weeks during the America’s Cup finals scheduled for September 2013.

FASCINATING! OH, BUT NOBODY CARES ABOUT THE AMERICA’S CUP, RIGHT? THEY JUST HAD A WARM-UP RACE DOWN IN FUN DIEGO – IT WAS A BIG DISASTER BECAUSE NOBODY CARED. AC PEOPLE GOT FIRED OVER THAT ONE. AND LAID-OFF TOO. MOST OF THEM, ACTUALLY. HAVEN’T YOU HEARD? OH, AND SARAH, “A BAY-VIEW UNIT” MEANS SOMETHING DIFFERENT IN THE 415, YOU KNOW, COMPARED WITH WHAT IT MEANS IN OTHER PARTS OF THE WORLD.

The Jacobsens shelled out the six-figure sum even though they already own another fractional interest at the property that they bought for $182,000 in 2009. But that unit doesn’t have a guaranteed view, and with the regatta approaching, “we needed more time and it was an opportunity to lock in the perfect view,” says Dr. Jacobsen, 67 years old.

YEAH, “YOU GOT TO LOCK THAT DOWN!” SO, OLD WHITE PEOPLE ARE GOING TO SIT IN THEIR APARTMENTS AND WATCH THE BOAT RACE FROM MILES AWAY? REALLY? IS THAT WORTH SPENDING YOUR KIDS’ INHERITANCES?

More than a year before the event, sailing fans are scouting out prime vistas for the America’s Cup. The chase for best perch has inspired a real-estate scramble, with some agents setting up shop specifically to locate rooms with a view for elite clients.

WELL, CERTAIN REAL ESTATE AGENTS WOULD LIKE US TO BELIEVE THAT THERE’S A “CHASE” AND A “SCRAMBLE.” THESE HOUSING PARASITES LIE TO REPORTERS LIKE YOU TO TRY TO MAKE MORE MONEY ON DEALS. DON’T YOU KNOW THAT? AND YOU SAY REAL ESTATE AGENTS HAVE OPENED UP OFFICES JUST FOR THE AC? I DON’T BELIEVE THAT BUT WHATEVER. AND OH, RETIRED NORTH BAY DENTISTS ET UXES AREN’T “ELITE” ANYTHING.

Rental prices for the America’s Cup are already soaring.

OMG OMG OMG! ALREADY? ALMOST AS IF THE AC ISN’T A BIG DISASTER. ALREADY.

Landlords are dangling options such as a $60,000-a-month rent for a home in the posh Pacific Heights neighborhood during the race. Although results remain to be seen, agents say prices could go as high as $100,000 a week during the finals.

RESULTS REMAIN TO BE SEEN? REALLY? MORE THAN A YEAR OUT? WOW, THANKS FOR THAT TIDBIT, SARAH TILTON! WHAT DO YOU WITH YOUR LIFE WHEN YOU’RE NOT SHILLING FOR REAL ESTATE INTERESTS?

“It will be a real land-grab for the good stuff,” says Rick Teed of Sotheby’s International Realty.

The anticipated demand for a race view stems partly from the relative rarity of the America’s Cup taking place in America. The race hasn’t been held in the U.S. since 1995, and in recent years has taken place off the coast of New Zealand and Spain. (The race was named by the New York Yacht Club after the schooner America, which beat the British in a race in 1851.)

WOW THANKS FOR THE HISTORY LESSON, SARAH. BUT MOST OF THAT HERITAGE RECENTLY GOT FLUSHED DOWN THE TOILET BY ONE LARRY ELLISON. HEY SARAH, WHY DON’T YOU READ THE COMMENTS PEOPLE HAVE POSTED ‘NEATH YOUR ROSY ARTICLE? WHY DO THEY HAVE A MORE REALISTIC PERSPECTIVE THAN YOU?

The Cup has never been held in San Francisco Bay, which race officials describe as a “natural amphitheater”—as opposed to the open ocean where the regatta usually takes place. That means some prime views of the event can be had from land this time rather than from the decks of spectator boats.

The race is coming to San Francisco through the efforts of Oracle Corp. ORCL +0.24% founder and chief executive Larry Ellison, whose yacht and sailing team won the 2010 America’s Cup in Valencia, Spain. The winner of the race, which is typically held every three to four years, decides where the next competition will take place. The billionaire also owns a home in San Francisco with first-class views of the Bay.

But Mr. Ellison may have an even better seat than that for the regatta. An America’s Cup spokeswoman says Mr. Ellison will be on board Oracle Racing’s boat during the races. Through a representative, Mr. Ellison, 67, declined to comment.

The Cup itself, a sterling silver trophy that gets its own seat on airplanes, comes in a custom Louis Vuitton case and always travels with a companion, the Cup spokeswoman says. It is kept in a secret location when not on tour, she says, but will be displayed during the race in San Francisco.

The heady rental numbers are spurring some homeowners to try renting their home for the first time. Marjorie and Larry Schlenoff listed their 3,162-square-foot four-bedroom San Francisco home, which they have lived in since 1999, for $35,000 a month for a long-term lease encompassing the Cup period. For shorter stays around the time of the Cup, the price is higher: $15,000 a week, says Mrs. Schlenoff.

MORE DETAILS! WE DEMAND MORE DETAILS. IS SHE GOING TO SAY, “ASK ME ABOUT MY GRANDCHILDREN” NEXT?

“We’ve never rented our house,” says Mrs. Schlenoff, a psychoanalyst and nonprofit founder. But with the home’s vistas and location near San Francisco’s Golden Gate Yacht Club, she says she and her husband see the regatta as a unique opportunity and the house as a “business asset.”

HOLD ON, I’M GETTING SO EXCITED FROM THIS NEWS NUGGET THAT I’M HAVING A MILD HEART ATTACK. HOLD ON WHILE I GO TO THE ER.

She listed her home through rental agency ReLISTO, which has multiple homes available for the Cup, including a $3,500-a-month studio with no views to $60,000 a month for a 5,000-square-foot Pacific Heights house with panoramic Bay views.

WHEW, THAT WAS A CLOSE ONE. I’M MEDICATED NOW AND MY DOCTOR SAYS THAT I SHOULD STOP READING THE FUCKING ONLINE WSJ BECAUSE I GET TOO EXCITED. BUT I GOTS TO HAVE MORE DETAILS!

Charlie Martin, a real-estate agent in Sausalito, Calif., launched a group called RezLux in February specializing in Cup rentals. In addition to real-estate needs, he says he will also provide personal chefs and concierge services for the race. So far, he has handled calls from potential clients in England, Japan and New Zealand. “We’re starting to book,” he says.

OMG, MORE WHITE PEOPLE! THE AMERICAS CUP IS FILLED TO THE BRIM WITH WHITE PEOPLE! HURRAY! HURRAY FOR WHITE PEOPLE!

Some homeowners say there is no way they will rent their home during the Cup because they want the panoramas for themselves. Venture capitalist and America’s Cup Organizing Committee member Tom Perkins, who owns a 60th-floor penthouse in San Francisco, will be watching the Cup from there.

“It’ll be just about the best place to watch,” says Mr. Perkins, 80, adding that he plans to have “lots and lots of people over.” Mr. Perkins, who once owned one of the world’s most expensive yachts, dubbed the Maltese Falcon, says he has several pairs of binoculars and a World War II telescope ready for the festivities.

OH, HE IS OLD AFTER ALL. ACTUALLY OLDER THAN HIS “World War II telescope,” WHATEVER THE HELL THAT IS.

Others are plotting a cheaper course to view the regatta. Sean Randolph, president of the Bay Area Council Economic Institute, says he plans to watch the Cup from a kayak in a buffer zone that will be created on San Francisco Bay for nonmotorized boats. While Mr. Randolph’s home in Marin County, north of San Francisco, has a view of the Bay, it doesn’t overlook the Cup’s racecourse, and he doesn’t want to shell out thousands of dollars to rent a property.

OH, DUDE’S FROM THE BAY AREA COUNCIL ECONOMIC INSTITUTE? THAT’S THE SO-CALLED “INDEPENDENT AUTHORITY” WHAT SAID HOW GREAT THE AMERICA’S CUP WAS GOING TO BE. BUT THAT TURNED OUT TO BE A LIE, RIGHT? BUT THAT’S NO REASON TO QUESTION THE ENTIRE PROCESS, IS IT, SARAH?

“In a kayak, you’re sort of participating because you’re on the water and you’re a little closer” to the action than on land, he says.

YES, BEING IN A KAYAK IS SORT OF LIKE PARTICIPATING IN THE AMERICA’S CUP. OF COURSE. SORT OF.

For John Kostecki, a sailor on the Oracle sailing team, the best views of the race are free. In particular, he recommends a stretch of waterfront near the Marina Green, where spectators can get close enough to hear sailors’ conversations. “It’s quite deep and the boats can come quite close,” he says.

OH, ARE WE DONE? IS THAT IT? WE SORT OF TRAILED OFF THERE. WELL, ANYWAY, LET’S PUT THIS ON PAGE A1.

I DON’T KNOW, MAN. IF THE AMERICA’S CUP IS MAKING SO MUCH MONEY FOR SO MANY PEOPLE, WHY ARE THE CITIZENS OF SAN FRANCISCO BEING FORCED TO SUBSIDIZE IT? WHY ARE THE POWERS THAT BE TAKING MONEY FROM NON-MILLIONAIRE NON-WHITE PEOPLE AND USING IT TO PAY FOR THE “FUN” AND “EXCITEMENT” OF MILLIONAIRE WHITE PEOPLE? THE CROWD AND REVENUE ESTIMATES ARE STILL WAY, WAY, WAY OPTIMISTIC AND THEY’RE BASED ON HAVING A BUNCH OF TEAMS SPENDING A BUNCH OF MONEY IN TOWN ONE TO TWO YEARS OUT. IN ACTUALITY, THE BOATS ARE WAY TOO BIG FOR THE BAY AND WAY TOO BIG FOR POTENTIAL TEAMS.

THIS THING IS GOING TO END UP BEING LIKE A FLEET WEEK, EXCEPT THE US NAVY DOESN’T THINK IT’S REASONABLE TO DEMAND NINE-FIGURES TO PROMOTE ITSELF.

BUT IT’S NOT TOO LATE FOR DEADBEAT LARRY ELLISON TO STEP UP AND SIMPLY PAY US FOR THE RIGHT TO RUN HIS BOAT RACE HERE.

IT’S NOT TOO LATE, LARRY! AND THEN YOU CAN TURN YOUR BUMMER OF A RACE INTO AN ACTUAL REBUILDING YEAR AND THEN YOU CAN LOOK FORWARD TO 2016 AND, THEREBY, HAVE SOME MORE FUN BEFORE YOU DIE (OF THAT DISEASE WHAT YOU HAVE WHAT’S A SECRET). OTHERWISE, THE ONLY PEOPLE WHO’LL BENEFIT FROM YOUR FALSE GENEROSITY WILL BE REAL ESTATE TYPES AND LAZY, SIMPLE-MINDED, CHEERLEADING, WSJ-ONLINE REPORTER TYPES…

[UPDATE: Senator Leland Yee is on the case this AM – he’s doing a presser involving this latest allegation. (I guess it’s too late to call this an October Surprise, and frankly, it’s not all that surprising neither. Let’s call it a November Expectation. Brace yourself for more.) Oh, and Leland is onto some Chinatown voting sting operation as well.

And there’s this: “Statement from Chiu Campaign on Money Laundering Allegations – SAN FRANCISCO (November 2, 2011): Addisu Demissie, spokesman for the David Chiu for Mayor campaign, released the following statement about a San Francisco Chronicle report of potential money laundering by supporters of Mayor Ed Lee:

“This is now the fourth allegation of illegal conduct by Mayor Lee’s supporters, and it should be investigated fully by the District Attorney and appropriate authorities,” Demissie said. “With six days to go before Election Day, it will be up to the voters to decide whether this kind of bullying, pay-to-play politics is what they want to see at City Hall for the next 4 years. David is going to spend the last 6 days of this race talking about why he represents a new generation of leadership for San Francisco that will stand tough against the special interests and shake things up at City Hall.“

Paid for by David Chiu for Mayor 2011, P.O. Box 641541, San Francisco, CA 94164, FPPC##1337108]

SAN FRANCISCO (Nov. 2, 2011) — City Attorney Dennis Herrera this morning called on the state Fair Political Practices Commission to join District Attorney George Gascón in reviewing new allegations reported in today’s San Francisco Chronicle that Ed Lee’s mayoral campaign received donations that appear to have been illegally laundered to skirt San Francisco $500 per donor contribution maximum.[1] Andrew Hawkins, a property services manager whose harrowing tenant intimidation tactics were central to Herrera’s lawsuit five years ago against the Lembi Group landlords’ once high-rolling CitiApartments empire, promised reimbursements to at least sixteen employees in exchange for maximum contributions to Ed Lee’s mayoral campaign at an Oct. 18, 2011 fundraiser, according to the Chronicle.

It is the second major allegation of campaign money laundering to benefit Ed Lee’s campaign. The first, involving GO Lorrie’s airport shuttle, is the subject of separate investigations by Gascón’s office and the FPPC, the state commission responsible to investigate and impose penalties for violations of the California Political Reform Act. Such schemes have been prosecuted as felonies in California for conspiring to evade campaign contribution limits, and for making campaign contributions under false names.

“I think San Franciscans have now seen enough,” said City Attorney Dennis Herrera. “Too many of Ed Lee’s supporters act as though they’re above the law — on money laundering, on ballot tampering, and more — and Ed Lee isn’t strong enough to stop it. If this is how they behave before an election, just imagine how they’ll behave after the election, if Ed Lee wins. This scheme is clearly a bid for political payback by CitiApartments henchmen for my litigation to protect tenants five years ago. It is patently illegal, and I call on the FPPC to join the District Attorney in investigating.”

Hawkins is listed in Ed Lee’s campaign disclosures as the owner of Archway Property Services. As the one-time head of CitiApartments’ “tenant relocation program,” the gun-carrying Hawkins is reported to have coerced more than 2,500 tenants out of their rent-controlled units, and once boasted in civil court testimony, “I run people out of their apartments for a living. It’s what I do.“

Several recipients of Hawkins’ email invitation to an Oct. 18 event on Russian Hill made contributions to Ed Lee’s campaign on the same date. All contributed the maximum $500.

Herrera sued the CitiApartments residential rental property behemoth in Aug. 2006 for an array of unlawful business and tenant harassment practices, which sought to dispossess long-term residents of their rent-controlled apartments. The coerced vacancies freed the company to make often-unpermitted renovations to units, and then re-rent them to new tenants at dramatically increased market rates. The illegal business model enabled CitiApartments, Skyline Realty and other entities under the sway of real estate family patriarch Frank Lembi to aggressively outbid competitors for residential properties throughout San Francisco for several years — before lawsuits and a sharp economic downturn forced the aspiring empire into bankruptcies, foreclosures and receiverships.

A 2009 San Francisco Magazine feature story on the Lembi real estate empire[2] described Andrew Hawkins as “a burly former nightclub bouncer who headed up CitiApartments’ relocation program.” Hawkins reportedly led teams as large as 14 full-time employees, according to the report, and the company estimated that “Hawkins relocated more than 2,500 tenants.” An earlier exposé in 2006 by the San Francisco Bay Guardian[3] cited civil court testimony in which Hawkins boasted to one tenant’s family member, “I run people out of their apartments for a living. It’s what I do.”

Our three-term City AttorneyDennis J. Herrera has just released the news about how San Francisco recently won a little compensation to pay for all the extra work it’s doing to bring poorly-ratedCitiApartments / Skyline Realty* to justice. Keep in mind that these penalties are not to punish (’cause that part will come later). No, no, this $50K is just to pay us back for the extra expenses we recently incurred due to relentless foot-dragging from the infamous Lembi Familyet alia.

Poor Judge Munter had to spend half of the hearing deciding how to divvy up the penalties among all the interrelated defendants. Oh well.

San Francisco’s Happy Warrior: His middle name is Jose, his son speaks Mandarin Chinese and he’s been working on gay legal issues for donkey’s years, at least since the 1990’s – do you think all that might help him if he decides to run for Mayor in 2011?

Pwned:

Herrera wins Court sanctions against CitiApartments for “obfuscation, delay.” Landlords’ defiance in the face of City Attorney’s ‘Herculean efforts’ triggers order to cooperate with discovery, pay $50K sanction

SAN FRANCISCO (Feb. 2, 2010) — City Attorney Dennis Herrera has won Court-ordered sanctions against a labyrinthine web of defendants involved in the operation of CitiApartments and Skyline Realty, the residential property management and investment behemoth Herrera first sued in 2006 for its stunning array of unlawful business practices. The order, which was signed by San Francisco Superior Court Judge John E. Munter last month and obtained this morning, compels each of the two-dozen corporate, trust and individual defendants currently named in the suit to respond to discovery requests in compliance with rules of civil procedure, and to pay sanctions to the City totaling $50,129.50, which reflects San Francisco’s fees and costs to pursue its motion to compel. Munter’s order requires all of the defendants to comply with the order by Feb. 19, 2010.

“CitiApartments deserved to be sanctioned for its continued defiance in this case, and I’m gratified to Judge Munter for calling these tactics exactly what they are — ‘obfuscation, delay and meritless objections,'” said Herrera. “I hope this sanction sends a message to Frank Lembi, Walter Lembi and all of the defendants responsible for CitiApartments’ lawless conduct that there is a limit to judicial patience, and they’ve reached it. This has been a long, difficult case to address what is perhaps the most egregious corruption of San Francisco’s residential housing market in modern history. We remain committed to pursuing this case aggressively, and I hope these sanctions are a tipping point that hastens our progress toward a just outcome.”

J-Town needs to get more foot traffic on Post Street to help ameliorate the effects of terrible choices (concrete mini-mall, etc…) made four decades ago. A Starbucks, or something like it, could be a good thing.