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The last 4 days have been a rollercoaster. I now I am not done yet but I think I am a little more at peace with my self.
As of today and a lot of soul searching I know now is not the time to tell Wolf. He has so much on his plate right now he does not need more dumped on it.
After a lot of thought I do think that my fears of telling him in the beganning is what started this snowball to hell ride I am on. Its not his fault, its fully my issue and now that I can see the core may be I can unravel it.
I am at peace with myself in a way I have not felt in a long time. I no longer feel like I am going to shatter and the ground under me is firming up. I need to work on my self for a while.

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A new love is vary shiny, but with a regular polish a old one shines just as bright.

Well its been a bit. I had just gotten to the point that locking every thing back into the back of the closet was all I could do and keep my sanity. The last two weeks have been hell though. Wolf gave us a call and told us he was coming up to visit for a night. I spent days sick to my stomach. Do I tell him or not? Is he going to spend the night (if you know what I mean).
By the time he got here I had not eaten in a couple days. I was a wreck. But that night after the kids had gone to bed I took the chance. I told him how I felt. Sp far so good. Before I get to happy he needs to think about it. I see him tommorrow. I just hope after he has had a chance to think about it its all still good.

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A new love is vary shiny, but with a regular polish a old one shines just as bright.

I am vary vary happy today. Does he love me as I love him, no. But he told me I am one of his best friends in life. Our relationship is open ended on his end. All I have asked him is if has sex with someone to please tell me so we could take precaution from there. At this time he will be a part of our lives. I can not really call him a boy friend, may be a friend with benefits.
I am just so happy he is a part of our lives. I feel so much better letting him know how I feel.

The really hard part is he is 8 hours away. We live in a really hot area and he is NOT a fan of hot weather. My only hope to see him is a handful of times a year. I do not feel right about calling all the time. Its more then I had before so I have to be happy with it.

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A new love is vary shiny, but with a regular polish a old one shines just as bright.

Soooo. Ya know that funny feeling you get in the pit of you tummy when you find out some one has read your most pain full thoughts. Yup. I am there today. I told Wolf about this site so he could have a better understanding of poly. But ya know I never really thought about him reading this blog and other posts of mine. +.+
Looking at it another way it has made me feel so better. Everything is on the table now. Nothing has been hid. I can move on knowing he knows and has not rejected me. Today is a good day.

__________________
A new love is vary shiny, but with a regular polish a old one shines just as bright.

Arggg. I am so pissed at my self right now. My self confidence is shot to hell. This long distance thing is really hard. Just talking to some one is no way to really now what a person is feeling. I have a hearing problem so I get many clues from someone by there body language. Not being able to see someone is like only hearing half of anything that is said. I am just on such rocky ground. I really want to reach out but afraid its not really wanted. *sigh* Just not feeling good about my self tonight. I am tired and my head has hurt for 4 days now. I think I need to go crawl in bed and hide my head till morning.

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A new love is vary shiny, but with a regular polish a old one shines just as bright.

Ok. I am better now. I hate whining. Last couple weeks have been hard. Lots of rollercoasters and I lost a Uncle who was more of a grandfather to me. I am tring hard to get a grip. And I think its working.

__________________
A new love is vary shiny, but with a regular polish a old one shines just as bright.