'Tis a New Year

Larry Beinhart’s Body Politic

There been complaints and even some letters
That I dis those who are really my betters
That if I paid attention and really learned
I'd give Conservatives what they've earned.

Fair and balanced, that's my reason,
For the New Year and for this new season.
Instead of the old, something new I'd rather,
and steep myself in some Tea Party blather.

If you have a Glock, rack it.
If you're living on shale, frack it.
If there's a union, crack it.
If a program works, attack it.
Faced with science, go quack it.

As more and more crazies come and take their toll,
surely the answer can't be gun control.
More guns, more guns, that's the way to go.
You gotta shoot first and never shoot too slow.

To solve the problem of children getting shot,
for all those teens and each and every tot,
if just one toddler had been armed with a gun,
he could have stood his ground, not had to run.

With deadly aim that could put a bullet in a dime,
he could stop a madman before he did his crime,
in a crowded theater or in the middle of a class,
just like Wyatt Earp, you can bet your ass.

If you have a Glock, rack it.
If you're living on shale, frack it.
If there's a union, crack it.
If a program works, attack it.
Faced with science, go quack it.

We know global warming is just a liberal plot.
It's really sun spots making the earth get hot.
Don't speak of high tides and a rising sea
if it gets between me and my SUV.

The ice caps are melting, but there's oil up there.
If there's money to be made, why should we care?
All those regulations, they infringe on my right
to claim coal is clean and does not spread the blight.

If the waters are rising, we should understand
There was once another flood that was part of God's plan.
You know who votes on the East and West Coasts.
When the waters do rise, the liberals are toast.

If you have a Glock, rack it.
If you're living on shale, frack it.
If there's a union, crack it.
If a program works, attack it.
Faced with science, go quack it.

A business owners rights should be absolute.
If workers organize they should get the boot.
Let's drive down wages, let's cut people's pay.
In a competitive world that's the very best way.

No one really deserves more than minimum wage,
especially if they're young or getting overage.
Pensions are old-fashioned, they're so yesterday.
It's about time people paid their own damn way.

Public employees are the worst of the worst.
They're the ones causing our budgets to burst.
Strip them of their unions, call it right to work.
People will believe it, because the public is a jerk.

If you have a Glock, rack it.
If you're living on shale, frack it.
If there's a union, crack it.
If a program works, attack it.
Faced with science, go quack it.

Social Security should not be doing so well.
It's the slippery slope down to a socialist hell.
It must be privatized and given over to banks,
'cause bankers are so gracious and always say thanks.

Our medical system, it costs twice as much,
and it delivers less, than any similar such.
So the way it is, it should get more that way.
Cut back on Medicare and make those seniors pay.

You know Obamacare is an evil Marxist plot
to rob us of our freedoms and to make us rot.
It creates death panels, drowns us in debt.
It will get so bad, you'll be treated by a vet.

If you have a Glock, rack it.
If you're living on shale, frack it.
If there's a union, crack it.
If a program works, attack it.
Faced with science, go quack it.

It was the Lord that helped us find natural gas
before really terrible things came to pass.
Wind and solar had to be brought to a halt,
because they're ... they're ... not rhyming.

There's something satisfying about drilling deep.
There's money to be made and there's money to keep.
It will create really rich people, even billionaires,
and those are the things about which we really cares.

It might poison some water and cause the earth to quake,
but if we fail to frack it will be a terrible mistake.
Just the thought of power that's renewable and clean,
to a true conservative it's unbearably obscene.

If you have a Glock, rack it.
If you're living on shale, frack it.
If there's a union, crack it.
If a program works, attack it.
Faced with science, go quack it.

You have your gay marriage and even legal pot,
but money and guns is what we've got.
You got the White House and think that's great.
Look at what we're doing out in the states.

We told the people that things are really scary,
so we took the South, the mountains, and the prairie.
State house by state house, we are getting our way,
making it harder to vote, so we're here to stay.

If you were smart, and if you were really wise,
you'd listen to our words and you'd open your eyes.
In the long, long run, you'd best heed to our way.
Be a good Christian down on your knees to pray.