I saw the Jackie Jormp Jomp movie about how Kelso Kutcher kind of looks like Steve Jobs last night, and while I’ll have a full review for you soon, I wanted to drop in early and point out that I counted no less than SEVENTY-THREE uses of “Steve.” You know, just in case you forget who you’re watching a movie about. And I only started counting AFTER I realized it was a thing. More than likely, the real number is around eighty.

STEVE! No one wants to buy a computer, Steve! Listen to me, Steve! Steve, I know you’ve got a lot of brash ideas, Steve, but now just isn’t the time, Steve! Steve! Steve, are you listening to me, Steve?? Steve, listen! Steve?

“There are things I can’t stand in movies, that can be so easily fixed. I don’t like peoples’ names. …I’m gonna talk to you for an hour, and I’m never gonna say ‘Adam.’ You can say ‘Adam’ if you’re gonna leave and I’m calling you, or you can say it if your pissed — ‘Listen, Adam, don’t f*ck with me.’ But just to say it all the time… it’s sloppy writing. I’ll tell you a fun game when you have nothing to do: watch Titanic and count how many times he says ‘Rose.’ It must be five thousand. […] I think he even says it underwater. –Albert Brooks on Carolla in 2011

The top of my notebook from the movie.

POST-SCRIPT: Five minutes after I saved a draft of this post, I walked out of my apartment to go to the coffee shop, and in the hallway could hear a loud shouting match a neighbor was having with her sister, Gina. I know she has a sister named Gina because she said “Gina” at least four times, and at one point yelled “What, just because you were born two years before me you think you know what’s best for me??”

So, okay, poetic justice, mea culpa. Maybe expository dialogue happens in real life more often than I think.

Stinky, ’round here we call that a dick-step and I’ve been guilty of a dick-step once or twice myself, Stinky. What’s important, Stinky, is that you don’t let it get you down and you keep your nose to the ol’ grindstone.

Do the same thing with NFL games. Count how many times they unnecessarily use the word “football” (e.g. “this is a good football team”; “you gotta protect the football”), or refer to a player by their full name.

I’d say play a drinking game, but alcohol poisoning is not a good thing, Steve.

What I’ve found works is the combination of mute football (no, the other kind) and important political debates on the radio. It’s just as annoying as the commentary, but at least you feel you’re getting angry about something that matters.

You should just put up a picture of your notes from the movie instead of writing a review. I like the idea of having to decode someone’s shorthand in order to determine whether a shitty movie was shitty or not.

I was in a hotel a few weeks back getting ready while Get Carter (Stallone version) was on tv in the background, and whatever scene it was involved Mickey Rourke saying “Jack” about 50 times. I think he seriously opened and closed every sentence with it. It was like Chinese water torture, made twice as bad by the fact that “Jack” is the most overused name in modern cinema.

No lie, I had a very close friend read me a letter he was writing to a recently broken-up ex in an attempt to get back with her. He used her name in every (EVERY) sentence. “Stacey, I know you you think I don’t love, but Stacey, you are the love of my life. I am IN-LOVE with you Stacey.” And this letter was three pages long.

I know this makes a bad friend but I taped that shit and played it for another friend. Best laugh we had all year.