Ian Duncan Smith expects turkeys to vote for Christmas

Inspired by the Institute for King Canute studies, the Coalition has decided to replace actual legislation and "mind numbing" governance, with hope and whimsy.

Mr Smith explained: "The slaughter of 10 million turkeys during the festive period is expensive, if only we encourage them to go against their own selfish instincts and commit suicide. Think of the saving to the economy."

Recent proposals by the Inland Revenue to scrap all tax for old Etonians, was defended by adviser, Jesse Norman: "The uber rich do not need reminding to pay their share of the tax burden. We are more aware of money than most. We've got sacks of the stuff cluttering at least two of our homes." When presented with data on the widening wealth gap from the Office of National Statistics, Mr Norman concluded: "Being from Eton gives you a natural sense of the need for an equitable balance and social mobility. And if we forget, we have plenty of servants who can remind us."

The Secretary of State for Work and Pensions continued: "Isn't it better to appeal to people's sense of duty and optimism. I dreamed a dream in time gone by. When hope was high and life, worth living. We have already asked wealthy pensioners after a lifetime of tax avoidance, to repay their benefits; surely we can get the humble turkey to support the notion of Christmas dinner."

A turkey spokesmen expressed scepticism and pointed towards other recent Government campaigns designed to influence public behaviour.

"Drive drunk but drive slow"
"Heroin: Not as morish as you think"
"Other teenagers are not thinking about SEX, why should you?"

A spokesmen for Works and Pensions explained that the "sun'll come out tomorrow. Bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow, there'll be sun."