Submarine Jokes

A new Navy recruit has his first day on the submarine...

"Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope."

The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by.

"Son I'm changing your post ...

I built a 1:1000000 model of a German submarine.

It’s a pretty good µ-boat.

A Submarine Captain is walking down the street...

... when he sees a Buddhist monk fixing a fence.

"Hey mister, I'm having some trouble running my submarine. None of my crew like me. You're a wise man, what would you suggest?" asked the Captain.

"Make sure to switch everybody's positions very often" said the monk.

"Why?" said...

I'm going to quit my job working on this submarine

I'm under a lot of pressure

A monk got a stitching job in a submarine.

The captain, after showing the basic things required for the young tailor, left to him torn fabrics and uniforms of soldiers. As part of his job, he had brought his own sewing kit and he asked to left alone while doing his work.

The monk's work was nothing less than stellar, but sometime...

What do feline submarines have?

Purriscopes.

I played golf in a submarine the other day.

It was subpar.

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Two Submarines in the Atlantic

One day in the Atlantic, two subs surface next to each other. Out of one, an ancient Soviet rustbucket, emerges a rowdy crew that is clearly drunk. On the other, a sleek American sub, cleancut American crewmen stand at attention.

The heavily-bearded Soviet captain begins screaming at his men:...

A new recruit was on his first day on a submarine

He speaks with an officer, who assigns him a job and says "if you dont like your job, come talk to me, and i will give you a new one.

"Why is that?" Asks the recruit.

To which to officer responds "this sub has guaranteed reposts."

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What is big, black and full of semen?

A submarine

A russian and an american are in the baltic sea arguing about which one has better submarines

Russian: "Our submarines are the absolute top, you never find them and they can be submerged for weeks."

American: "Our subs can patrol all seas without any blind spots continously without you noticing and they can stay underwater for months."

Suddenly a german submarine that's worn-ou...

Donald Trump, Vladimr Putin and Angela Merkel take a walk on the Beach.

Seeing the great body of water, Mr Trump felt the need to reassure the two others of his country's militaristic superiority.

"Folks, I can tell you, our Navy submarines, are so big and so good, would you believe it, they can remain submerged from the moment they leave the port, to the day the...

What Does a Werewolf on a Submarine say?

AAAWWWOOOOOOOOOGA

I am one of the only survivors of the Kursk submarine incident. Ask Me Anything!

Whoops, wrong sub.

One day, a man doing janitorial duties on a submarine asked for a change of scenery

His manager stared him down, but he saw that the man wouldn’t give up.

“Alright,” the manager sighed. “I suppose I could see about you changing your post.”

The man was overwhelmed with excitement and...

A strict submarine captain is reassigned to a new submarine...

... after a few days of laying down new rules, enforcing them strictly, and allowing the crewmen nary a minute off, he saw derogatory posters about him taped around the craft.

Calling for his first officer, he said:"First Officer, I demand that the submarine be scoured, and every one of t...

Do you know what Elon Musk could've called his submarines if they were built in time to save those children?

Thai Pods.

A few men are sitting in a submarine and decide to get high.

There they sit in the submarine, quiet and contemplative - a bunch of subdudes.

How do you drown a submarine full of blondes?

Knock on the door

Trump, Putin and Merkel...

...take a nice walk along the shore. Putin is boasting: "Russia now has submarine that can stay underwater for two weeks without needing to resurface for fuel! Pretty impressive, eh?"

Trump obviously can't leave it at that, so he tells Putin: "America has submarines, and other stuff too, I'...

What's the difference between a Marine and submarine?

Nothing. The Navy goes down on both of them.

It's a shame The Beatles didn't make the submarine in that song green.

That would've been sublime.

When you think about it, technically all Australian submarines are down under.

.............I'll let that sink in.

TIL in 1974 Russians accidentally blew up their own submarine, thinking it was an enemy

Oops, wrong sub

Why are submarines more dangerous than regular ships?

They're built with sub-standard materials.

Obama, Putin and Merkel at the baltic sea

Obama declares: Our submarines can stay submerged for ten days before needing air.

Putin promptly says: That's nothing. Russian submarines can stay submerged for up to a month.

Merkel is embarrassed and stays silent.

Suddenly a submarine emerges. The hatch opens and the man y...

Two sailors where trading jokes on a submarine.

One of them says, this is the best joke ever: “A bus driver drove into a nun” and then starts laughing hysterically.

Confused, the other sailor asked, “how is that even funny?”

The other sailor says “it’s not, but on this sub it is”

Do you know how to sink a Russian submarine?

The Russians are perfectly capable of sinking their submarines themselves

Obama, Putin and Merkel discuss their submarines.

All three are sitting at a resort by the seaside, and are arguing.

Obama begins by saying "American submarines are the best in the world, they can go for weeks without needing supplies!"

Putin laughs and tell them "Stupid globalists. Russian submarines are best in world, they go MONT...

I was thinking of dating this girl I met. She’s an marine biologist who works on a submarine.

But between you and me, I think she’s a little out of my league.

My grandfather was in a defective submarine during WWII

Instead of a periscope they had a kaleidoscope. One day he looks out and says“ my god we’re surrounded”

My favorite joke of all time courtesy of Stephen Wright

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Putin, Merkel and Trump are walking down a beach...

Putin, Merkel and Trump are walking down a beach.

Putin says "Russian submarines are so technically advanced, they can stay a whole year under water without the need to return to the surface."

Trump laughs and returns "Well that's cute, but 'murican submarines are far better and can s...

If Adele smokes a joint in a submarine

Is she rolling in the deep ?

Why did they put Patrick Henry in a submarine?

Because he said "Give me liberty or give me depth".

What do you call a German stealth WW2 submarine?

A not see you boat.

A German, an American and an Englishman are standing by the sea...

They're talking about their military's efficiency. The American boldly claims "Our American submarines can last a month under water without ever having to go up!".

The Englishman laughs and says "That's nothing. Our Royal Navy submarines can last half a year under water without ever having to...

A man is tasked with setting out Christmas decorations on a submarine

He spends all night thinking about it, and eventually decides on a Christmas tree. He spends hours putting the tree up, adding tinsel, baubles, and finally the star on top. He takes a step back, and looks proudly at his work. But when he comes back to it later, he finds it torn down.

The next...

There was once a military submarine called the Word Sub.

When the submarine was built, they couldn't come up with a name for it. Eventually, the crew was instructed to call the submarine "any word they want". The believed it would be funny to name the sub something mundane, so they began to refer to it simply as the "Word Sub".

As the Word Sub was ...

AMA: I am a submarine naval commander discharged for friendly fire in an underwater sea battle

Oops, wrong sub.

TIL that during WWII 3 U.S. submarines sank due to friendly fire.

Whoops, wrong sub.

A British, an American and a North Korean captain are bragging about their submarines...

A British, an American and a North Korean captain are bragging about their submarines and how long they can stay underwater.

The British captain starts off saying: "Our submarines can stay underwater for 6 months before having to resurface!".

The American replies: "Pff, that's nothing....

TIL that back in the 1940s, as a result of failed communications between engineers and builders, the Soviet Union built thousands of submarines based on recalled 1850s schematics, resulting in millions of dollars in military funding being wasted.

Whoops, wrong sub.

Two sardines swim at the bottom of the sea. A submarine goes by. — Heavens! What’s that?

— Just a can of people.

A military crew in a submarine just won a major battle

A military crew in a submarine just won a major battle, and they rescued a captured civilian from the boat they fought. To celebrate their success, the crew decided to have a small party with whatever food and drinks they had on hand.

The crew set up multiple crates to act as tables, and ever...

One of my dad's favorites about flying

"You know there are more planes at the bottom of the ocean than submarines in the sky. They have never left one up there."

Few days ago an US Marine and a Russian General were talking at the beach

The Marine says to the General: "we have the greatest submarines on earth. We can last under water for several weeks."

The Russian interrupts:"no way our latest submarines last for 6 months without seeing any daylight."

The both stop talking as they are surprised by a submarine approa...

North Korean submarine accidentally destroys another North Korean submarine

A Russian captain and an American captain debate which country builds the best submarines...

They are standing at a harbor and they've been arguing for hours. The American says "Our subs have such efficient air filter systems that they can stay underwater for months at a time".

The Russian replies:"A few months? Laughsble. Our Russian subs have such advanced air filters that they ca...

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The French fencer

There once was a famous French fencer. He learned how to fence at a young age and honed his skills over time, his prowess with the foil unmatched in all of France. After defeating all French contenders, he moved on to defeat fencers in nearby countries, eventually becoming the best in Europe. As his...

How do you sink a norwegian submarine?

You knock on the door.

How do you sink the same sub again?You knock on the door and they'll come out saying "Haha! We're not falling for that one again!".

After joining the submarine forces of the Navy, I was guaranteed that I would be stationed on a nuclear-powered submarine by an Admiral.

Unfortunately, when I received my order I found out that my post would be a navigator on a Diesel-powered sub with no nuclear capability.

When I approached my command to complain, I was told that this happened all the time and would soon sort itself out - a moderator would soon move my post t...

Did you hear the submarine construction business closed down?

Shame they went under

One day, an old man was hammering a large, wooden stake into his garden.

Unfortunately, that same day, the captain of the Navy was walking past. When the stake caught his eye (despite it being very basic and unattractive), he decided he wanted to own it. So, he waited for the old man to leave, and promptly pulled it out and carried it away to his submarine, where he foun...

TIFU by starting a World War after accidently shooting a British submarine.

Oops, wrong sub.

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A guy starts working in a submarine...

He will be working underwater for 6 months. The captain takes him to visit the ship. He shows him the meeting rooms, the kitchen, the bedrooms, and everything else.. untill a locked door.The captain explains to his new worker that there are only men in this submarine and he will be there for 6 m...

My friend and I applied for work at the new submarine factory.

I don’t know if we’ll get jobs, but we’ll see what surfaces.

TIL That there was a German warship during WW2 that accidentally sunk 34 friendly submarines.

Edit:Whoops, wrong sub.

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An admiral is doing an inspection of his ships.

First, he talks to the Captain of an aircraft carrier and asks for a status report. The captain says, " Sir, the stern engine appears to be disconnected from the other engines. The engineers say that it may be malfunctioning." The admiral makes a note of this and says that he will order repairs to t...

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One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell.

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell.

As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil...

Satan: "Why so glum?"

Guy: "What do you think? I'm in hell!"

Satan: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?"...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

best jokes about Albania, from Romania:

Why the Albanian submarines resurface every 2 minutes? So the rowers can breath.

How do you destroy an Albanian tank? You shot the guy that pushes it.

Why did the Albanians lost the war? The archer was sick.

The Albanians managed to releases on market their fist computer, it's k...

A married couple were at a toy store, wanting to get their 5 year old son a gift for his upcoming birthday.

While they were browsing the place, they happened to pass by the plushies isle. Inspecting every plushie, the mother noticed that one of them was very odd. She pointed it out to her husband whom then called an employee.

"Ah yes, said the man, this one is still new here, in fact, it arrived ye...

If someone tells you he has a centrifuge on a submarine, don't believe him!

It's a subterfuge...

Why did the Naval Inspector fail the submarine?

Because he found it to be SUB-standard.

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So a Army Ranger, Recon Marine, Seal, and a Delta Operator are sitting around a campfire.

So the Ranger being a Ranger starts bragging about how tough he is... “you think you guys are tough?” he says

“I’ve parachuted behind enemy lines, did a 50 mile night march and killed a dozen terrorist with my bare hands.”

The Recon Marine is like “man that ain’t shit”

“I’ve lan...

The Flood

It rains heavily for several days and flood waters start to rise. People are being evacuated as the water covers the ground completely.

The village priest is forced onto the roof of his house to escape drowning. He is sitting calmly and patiently in his soaking wet clothes when a lifeboat com...

My grandfather is always saying that in the old days people could leave their back doors open.

Which is probably why his submarine sank.

A Russian, an American and A Ugandan man walk into a bar...

The Russian boasts, “My country has invented a submarine that can go to the deepest parts of the ocean.”

The Ugandan and American say, “The deepest parts?! It would be crushed!”

To which the Russian replies “Well not the deepest, just a little higher.”

The American then says “...

Just an inch !

An American, an Afghan and an Frenchman sitting outside a bar, keep arguing about how their country is more advanced. A heated debate between the American and Frenchman continues whilst the Afghan can't seem to beat either of them and seems visibly frustrated. " Our military is so advanced that ...

John and Jim were at the pub.

John timidly ask “Jimmy,have you ever heard that joke about the submarine?”

Jimmy, confused responds “No...you know what? It’s never come up”

World Leaders

President Macron, Theresa May and Angela Merkel meet for a summit at the North Sea.

Gazing over the water, May says, "We have a submarine that can stay underwater for 10 days." Macron responds, "That's nothing, our submarines can stay underwater for 30 days!" Merkel looks quite ashamed and ...

Bear with me while I provide you with some more relevant details--the man first. His name was George. He was in the market for a fine horse, a quick horse, and one with stamina and perseverance. A horse to explore with.

The horse--The horse was absolutely ideal--he was young, he was fast, ...

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It is the year 2200

In a small city lived a master fisherman. This fisherman was famous throughout the world for being able to catch numerous amounts of fish in any body of water. Now, fish these days have mutated and changed quite a bit, but this fisherman was able to catch them all with little to no effort.

On...

Three blondes are lost in a forest.

When they reach to a giant lake. It is to big to go around it, so they want to go straight trough it. And than, a good fairy appears. She says that she will give one wish to each of the blondes. First one wishes for a boat. With the boat, she gets to the middle of the lake, and there is a tiny vorte...

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Alerts to threats in Europe

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.” The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 194...

In class the teacher ask to students

In class the teacher ask to students if their parents have everything in life, a boy answer his family is wealthy and they have everything, the teacher ask him if they have a plane and the boy answer they dont, so they dont have everything in life, then a girl say their family is rich and they have ...

There are more airplanes in the ocean

than submarines in the sky

Old farmer Joe is checking on his chickens

He notices that one of his chickens, Betty, is producing more eggs than any other chicken on the farm. What’s even more interesting is that they all look identical: same little freckle on the top, same patterns, even exactly the same colour! “This really is unusual,” he exclaims, and decides to inve...

Trump, Putin, and Merkel are walking along a beach, arguing over whose Navy is the best.

Donald Trump says, “The US Navy is the best navy! We have submarines that can stay underwater for a whole year without resupplying!”