Tuesday, February 19, 2008

My babies are FIVE MONTHS OLD today. Can you believe that I'm such a lazy sloth that in FIVE MONTHS I still haven't managed to write about the day of their birth??? Man, I suck. Maybe before they're six months old. Hah, I say, Hah!

It didn't escape my notice, though I failed to find the time to make a blog post, that February 14th marked an anniversary for us. A year ago, in the midst of a pretty nasty ice storm, despite J having school cancelled, and terrible road conditions, S and I dragged ourselves out to the clinic for IUI day, for an IUI that was doomed to fail. The IUI was SO definitely going to fail that I had my IVF consult two days later and Dr. Amazing told me flat out that it was time to move on, and there was no way I was going to get a positive beta out of that ridiculous cycle. Everything went wrong with that cycle. Everything. Except my three precious miracles. They were right. A year later and here I am, looking at my three beautiful babies, and I know that no matter how WRONG that cycle was... everything was exactly right.

I cried tears of emptiness every day that I didn't have any babies in my arms. And I cry tears of joy every day now that my beautiful babies are here. S heard me say that to someone recently and asked if I meant that literally. "I mean, I know that I'm dense sometimes, but did I miss you crying every day?" In the beginning, no, I didn't literally cry tears every single day... but by the end... yeah, I really did. Not sobbing, wretching, buckets of tears, but I wiped a tear or two off my cheek every day toward the end. Especially after the miscarriage. And now, sometimes I stand over my babies' crib at night and hold their tiny little hands as they sleep and I'm so overwhelmed with joy and love and even a little sadness for all the years of loss... that I still wipe a tear away. But these are hard-earned tears, and I wouldn't give them up for anything.

And our babies...our beautiful babies... they're growing up. I went through and took out all their Newborn clothes from their shelves. And I even took out all of Sam's 0-3 month sized clothes. Ellie still fits in 0-3 month clothes (and even some NB clothes, but I put those away anyway, since she's not lacking for clothes). They're getting bigger every day, and it's so funny to see it happen right before my eyes. My nanny tells me things don't fit and I don't believe her and then I take a look and it's true! How could this be!? But, despite my belief that they are as teeney as the day they were born, they just aren't. Abby is over three times her birth weight, and Sam is getting close to three times his birth weight. Ellie's not there yet, but she's finally double her birth weight, which is astounding. They just keep getting bigger and bigger.

In other milestones, Sam learned a new trick last week... If I leave the room and he cries, I come back! Yep, he's got me wrapped around his little finger. And when I walk back in the room, he smiles and coos and calms right down. And then if I walk back out of the room, he starts fussing again! And so it goes... He's still my little piggy and he wants to eat ALL NIGHT LONG nearly every hour and I have no idea how to break him of this habit, because he's clearly truly hungry when he wakes up. I tried explaining to him logically last night that Dr. B. said that at his weight he should be ABLE to sleep through the night, but Sam was having nothing to do with it and he responded quite indignantly.

Abby is our smiliest baby who coos the most of all. Yesterday S even got her to giggle for the first time! More significantly, this week she started sleeping laying flat in the pack n' play. She had been sleeping in a bouncy chair, which was really aggravating, because I was totally convinced she was never going to sleep in a crib, ever, but it's finally happening! Best of all, she wakes up happy and smiling in the morning, which is a beautiful thing.

Ellie didn't grow at all last week, but it's clear that she's growing now. She's far more alert now than she was even last week, and she's not nearly so skeletal looking. You can still see her ribs, but her thighs are chunking out a little and her face has a little more pudge to it. She's finally got enough fat on her face that we've discovered she has dimples! Now that she's more alert, she's been rewarding us with lots of beautiful smiles. She's also been fussing more than she had been, but I take that as a sign that she's more aware of her environment, so it's a good thing. She has another appointment on Friday, and I expect that she will have grown a bit then, so we'll see. She still has a gastroenterology follow up scheduled next week. I haven't cancelled it yet, but I suspect I might. I feel like her pediatrician is handling it appropriately and I don't see how the gastroenterologist will really add anything of value at this point. We'll see.

My father and his wife are coming to visit this weekend. It's the first time they've seen the babies since the day the babies were discharged from the NICU, over four months ago. Amazing how time flies when you're sleep-deprived. In many ways, parenting triplets (so far) has been a million times easier than I expected it to be. In other ways, it has been far more challenging than I could ever describe. I don't feel like it's more than I can handle, but I feel terribly inadequate for the job. I fear that I will be an inadequate parent for my children...that I will shortchange them in ways that I might not have if I'd had them one at a time. I fear that they will miss out on the individual attention they should be getting. I fear that J is missing out on individual attention that HE should be getting right now. But I also know that these are all fears I'd be having even with a singleton. I know that all parents fear inadequacy, and I know that the only thing I can ask of myself is that I strive to be the best parent I CAN be on any given day. Some days that will be enough, and some days it won't be, but every day it will be as much as it can be and that's really all I can ask of myself today.

Happy 5 months Sam, Ellie, and Abby--and happy 5 months to the rest of you also! It is hard to believe it's been a full year since the "doomed" IUI, but what miracles and blessings have come out of it!

9/8/06: Discharged from fertility clinic. Off to OB land with healthy heartbeat and 95% odds of carrying to term.

10/4/06: A reason for the bleeding comes to light... a subchorionic bleed is diagnosed, but the fetus is healthy and happy on ultrasound. Fingers and toes accounted for. Perfect beating heart. Perfect growth and development.