DD is in Y7 and will be 12 next week. Several of her friends are also celebrating 12th birthdays around now. She told me the other day that a group of schoolfriends have decided to pitch in £20 each in order to buy one of the girls an expensive (£90 to £100) phone for her birthday. I have said no to this because:

(a) DD doesn't have £20 so I will be expected to pay (as I expect at least some other mums will), and this is double what I normally spend on birthday presents (except for children I really like!).

(b) I have recently ruled out buying the same phone for DD herself as I feel it's too expensive a piece of kit to be carried round by a 12-year-old.

(c) I have very little confidence (based on past experience) in the ability of DD's friends to organise collecting money and purchasing a phone in time for the birthday, especially as school breaks up tomorrow.

DD thinks I'm mean and I realise I'm putting her in an embarrassing position, but I can't believe I'll be the only mum to object.

I would give your DD the £20 to contribute (as long as you can afford it) because I wouldn't want my DD to be embarassed or singled out.

It is excessive - there is no need for a child to have a phone like that - my phone is a shitty PAYG that was about £20 in total, but I think I would suck it up anyway for the sake of not embarassing my DD. It's also excessive to spend £20 on someone who isn't her best friend, but still, I think I would just comply.

You surely won't be the only mum to object, but you might be the only one to actually not do it.

crokky - I fear that by doing things you're not entirely comfortable with for the sake of your child not being embarassed, you're not really preparing them for real life. Things don't always go the way you would like, sometimes you are singled out, sometimes you don't get what you want. Better to learn these lessons sooner rather than later, or the child is going to find real life in adulthood a rather nasty shock!

Could your dd and her friends not talk to the birthday girl's parent's and negotiate with them that they would make up the shortfall? Then they would all be able to give what they would normally pay for a present.

Otherwise, I would not give the £20 for this. But then my dcs are younger and it might be different once they are older.

It does seem a lovely gesture but I could see it snow-balling expensively.

I think it would be a good idea to sit down with your DD and point out to her that if they do this, then they will be expected to do it for every girl in the group and that means 6 lots of £20 or whatever.

I bet they haven't even considered that.

I can see it leading to all sorts of horrible fallings out and ill-feeling when the 4th birthday comes along and everyone has got sick of coughing up, but number 4 has shelled out £60....