Survivor Recap: 4/11 Go Out With A Bang

I started off this week with no plan on where I was going to go with this recap. I was a teenaged girl lost in the forest, hunting squirrels and being chased by tracker jackers and fireballs. Then I spoke to my drunk friend, Haymitch, and together we devised a plan. A plan on how to decide who would be this week’s cover girl. We put all the ladies names into a jar and drew out Chialicia’s name. Then out of nowhere, Kitty Kat came forward and shouted “I offer myself up! I volunteer as this weeks cover girl tribute!” So, Kitty Kat, the odds are ever in your favor. Happy Survivor recap!

How does one get that buff around their body? I have one and I can barely get it around my thick skull. Not to mention… Anyways.

Last week the men continued their self elimination process, where a different guy will be voted off six weeks in a row. The men this season are mentally deficient and vote out people they are aligned to. Which is mind-boggling, in that the women this season are not playing the perfect game of Survivor themselves, the men are just that much worse.

Needless to say we start off back at camp with the cavemen scratching their heads, saying “Duh… maybe not the best move voting out another strong guy.” Troyzan starts talking strategy to Tarzan about how they should find the hidden idol (which Troyzan has) and then make a move against the women.
A. Why are you discussing anything with Tarzan?
B. It’s a little too late to start worrying about numbers. You’re already screwed.
C. You wouldn’t have this issue if you didn’t vote out your initial alliance.

The reward challenge this week is ladder golf and the winning team gets a boat ride and a barbecue. I swear, they get more damn food this season… (KC Masterpiece missed out on a an obvious sponsorship opportunity here.)

The only real thing of note in this challenge is that there is no Probst. He must be taking a vacation while he is on vacation on his island vacation. Like Big Brother, they force the cast to host their own challenge. Slack job Probst… slack job. One team wins and one team loses. Who gives a crap? It doesn’t matter at all. Yay… barbecue! (Little help here. How is “yay” spelled? Is it yea, yeah or yay? I think “yea” is like “yup,” “yeah” is like “I agree” and “yay” is like “yipee.” Thoughts?)

Kim and Chelsea sit on the beach and discuss strategy and how dumb the men are for voting out one of their own. Kim says something that I think has changed the game so drastically in the last few seasons of this program. She says that her strategy is to sit back, be quiet and get to the finals. Then, when she is at the finals she can tell everyone “Look, I made it here, I played the game, I didn’t step on any toes but I was obviously making moves or I wouldn’t have made it to the finals.”

Now… In the past I would have said this strategy was ridiculous… However, I am going to call this The Russell Hantz Rule. She is actually spot on. The person who is making the moves loses. It sucks for the viewers. We get stuck with a hanger-on winning every year now. The person that makes the REAL moves and rocks the boat, can make it to the finals but they can’t win. They get exposed at the final Tribal Council by the hanger-on and then everyone votes out of spite rather than for whoever deserves to win. I don’t know how CBS can fix this, but somehow they have to. Wow…. tangent.

Just when I think I can’t be more in love with Chelsea, she just gets that much sweeter. Chialicia and Kim chat about having to get rid of a guy next and Chelsea feels bad about lying to the guys. ADORABLE but maybe not a good game decision. The dudes have to go. Sabs spells it out, “Going to the end requires making big girl decisions.” As cute as she is, Chelsea’s gonna have to screw these idiots over at some point and it breaks my heart watching the inner turmoil going on in that sweet little head of hers.

Ok, first off, how was this not addressed? This picture is taken directly from my TV screen and is not Photoshopped in any way what so ever. What the fuck is Tarzan wearing here? And why is his head so enormous? He looks like a reverse Beetlejuice.

At the immunity challenge, Probst goes crazy on us and wears a green shirt and a green hat! What is going on right now!? Where’s the blue boy!? The challenge is a “Survivor classic.” Stand on a perch with your arm over your head. Your hand is attached to a bucket. If you lower your hand the bucket spills over and Double Dare dumps colored water over your head. Last person standing wins immunity and has a one in nine chance at winning a million dollars.

To add some literal spice to the challenge, there are food temptations to entice one to step off. I cannot even fathom how hungry I would have to be to begin to risk getting voted out at this point in the game to eat two cupcakes. Tarzan and Cha Cha Cha fall off before Probst can even say “go.” The next seven heroes take the bait and quit for food. And MY GIRL, Chelsea, hangs in there the entire time, doesn’t fall to any of the food temptations and wins her first immunity challenge. Boom!!! Awesome.

At the commercial break, we can vote for the Sprint Player of the Week. The choices are Jay, Kim and Troyzan. Ummmm…. didn’t Chelsea just win immunity this week? How is she not nominated? And I have a sneaking suspicion that either Jay or Troyzan are going home this week, so how can you be the Player of the Week and then get voted out?

Before Tribal Council there is a TON of scrambling and it starts to get confusing. Jay and Troyzan catch wind that they are on the block. Jay want’s to stay with the girls but Troyzan tells him he has the idol and is going to play it. Why is he telling him this!? Jay then goes to Kim and tells her that Troyzan is going to play the idol and Troyzan plans to get everyone to vote for Kim and send her home. Kim is now worried and has to scramble to change her votes to ensure that either Troy or Jay goes home. Did Jay screw himself by telling his “alliance mate” Kim that Troy is going to play the idol, thus putting the target on his own back?

At Tribal Council, there is a lot of talk about the men’s choice of apparel. Cargo shorts vs swimming trunks… I don’t know. Apparently what you wear to Tribal Council and how many pockets you have on your shorts has some influence on whether you are going home that night? Troyzan plays the hidden immunity idol. The vote comes to 2 for Troy that don’t count, 2 for Alicia, 1 for Kim and 5 five for Jay. So after all is said and done, Jay panicking and trying to get Troy out backfired on him and he is sent to man heaven to join the rest of the male dumb-dumb-dummy-dumbsters.

For the first time Kim actually flexes some of her muscle and looks like she may be the mastermind for the ladies. Which, as described above, is exactly the opposite of her hang back and let things happen strategy. Could get her to the finals, but she is making herself the Russell Hantz.

Chelsea, Cha Cha Cha and Kitty Kat are staying quiet, they could be in line for some cash…

Side note: There’s not a lot of crying this year? I’m not complaining, just saying. There also hasn’t been as much God talk this year either. So I will take a moment to thank him right now. Thank you God for not having so much god damn crying and praying!

See you next week, when either Troy, the jockey or Tarzan will be voted out.

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1 responses to “Survivor Recap: 4/11 Go Out With A Bang”

a few things clear to me now:
-the midget is a moron who wants so badly to get laid that he thinks he’s part of the all-girl alliance
-without the fairy, this group has used far less game than season one
-tarzan is a shoulder strap short of a blouse
-kim will be alive for the final vote