Wednesday, May 9, 2007

Bad Toyz, Bad Toyz: What'cha Gonna Do?

Edits! Now with more Bad!

Amidst all of the discussion the other day about Bratz Dolls and whether Smurfette could take any one of them in a Doll-On-Ho-Doll Smackdown, there were a few gentle inquiries about WonderBaby's lovey, the object that accompanies her on all sleeps and all journeys to Buffalo Containment Facilities and which bears an unfortunate resemblance to a certain nether appendage of the male anatomy in its tumescent state:

Still Life with Phallic Lovey.

Still Life with Phallic Lovey, Flaccid.

For the record, the Phallic Lovey is only accidentally phallic. It began life as a Pottery Barn Plush Stacking Ring Set, but the Plush Rings are long disappeared, very possibly purloined by feral cats. So it is that the Lovey Ring-Stand, sans Rings, is now just a Lovey Stand, and a disturbingly phallic one at that.

We tried, we really did, to imagine it as other things:

Still Life with Mushroom Cloud, mixed media (or 'How I Learned To Stop Worrying and Love the Paper-Cuts')

But it didn't quite work - turn that picture sideways, and you're right back to phallus, only this time dipped in Philadelphia Whipped Cream Cheese with creepy stick figures stuck to the side. You're really no better off, then, are you? And in any case, is a story about thermonuclear war in an alternate paper universe really a more appropriate biography for a lovey than Priapus-Gone-Plushy?

There's just no escaping it: it's phallic, and more than a little bit disturbing. (As evidenced by my experiences taking it through airport security during our recent travels: And what is that, ma'am? It's a lovey. A lovey for who, ma'am? For my daughter? Please step to the side, ma'am.)

But however disturbing, it is much-loved, and we haven't the heart - or the nerve - to take it away from WonderBaby, who keeps it with her at all times.

Except, of course, when Kermie has it:

Portrait of Priapic Muppet.

I may not really be a bad mother, but there seems to be no question that I am, after all is said and done, a filthy-minded one.

********

Oooh, baby, you want more Bad? Moremoremoremore?

You can listen to me wax Bad with the delicious Rebecca and Romi of TrueMomConfessions this afternoon (Thursday, May 10, 2pmPST/5pmEST - I'll be on around 5:30, I'm told - you can click through HERE) about why it is that we all like so much to say that we're badbadbad and resist admitting that we're actually goodgoodgood. You know, that thing we were all talking about last week, while we were all sitting around, blogging, drunk and naked?

My son has a similar plush ring stacker which has also suffered the loss of rings. He seems to really enjoy walking around with the ring stand in his mouth. So far I've resisted taking a picture, but it's only a matter of time!

I am, however, not envious of the hits you're going to get with repeated mentions of priapus, muppets and cream cheese in this post (not to mention the naked dancing boys in your corner of heaven). Get ready for your stats to skyrocket! Just can't get away from that phallic imagery...

LOL, that's awesome. Some days I'm glad Cordy got attached to a pink and white puppy. I'd hate to have to explain that one everywhere I went. But at least you've thought it over and have some great comebacks for anything people could say to you.

Jchevais - we actually refer to it as The Toadstool in mixed company. At home (and this is why we're going to hell) we call it The Phallus; in public, it's The Toadstool ('oh, yeah, THAT - that's her toadstool. No, really, it's a toadstool.')

Problem is, once you've seen Kermie with it, TOAD-STOOL starts to sound like toads-TOOL...

We had one of those, but from Lamaze, which was not quite so plushy, more definitely cylindrical and with fabric that was not fluffy, but oddle patterned with things like zebra... Which, somehow, did not stop the joking and waving it about much.

Holy crap! This is so funny. My son has a toy that features what is supposed to be a purple microphone. Similar embarrassing situation. Oh, to simply turn it into a mushroom cloud! Thanks for the fits of hysterical laughter!!!

hahaha good gosh i snorted juice up my nose.you are too funny for words sometimes HBM.that pic of kermie is too funny!toads tool.good one my friend.i will be laughing all day.so thanks.we all know laughing is good for the soul.LAVENDULA

Ah, all... if I have made just one person laugh today, I will have made the world a better place. However, I have also pornified the Muppets and so have shat, just a little bit, upon everyone's childhood, and so am probably going to hell anyway.

I just sent the link to this page to everyone I know! Plus a few random's that just need the stifled gurgle at work as they desperately check over their shoulder to see who's watching. Absolutely fabulous!