Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Driving Me Crazy

If I ever strike it rich I’m going to hire someone to drive me around. My anxiety level would be much lower if I didn’t have to worry about the craziness that comes with driving these days. Is it just me or did people used to be more careful and considerate when driving? Today it seems as if everyone is in such a hurry to get to the next stop that a drive across town is a like a high speed, bumper pushing Nascar event. I expect it in larger cities but not in my small town. Sometimes I’m just grateful to be alive after my 18 minute commute to work. Here are the top ten things that make me crazy about that short drive.

10. The Make-up Artist-I see her almost every morning. She doesn’t see me because she’s too busy finishing her beauty routine. Sweetheart, if you didn’t get it done before you left the house, forget about it ‘til you get to work. You cannot curl and lengthen both eyelashes during one stoplight.

9. Nose picker-Stop it! People can see you. I see you, regularly. You may be alone in your car, but the whole world is watching while you dig for gold. YOU-ARE-GROSS.

8. The tailgater-This guy runs the same stretch of highway I do every morning and consistently rides the bumper of several people during his dash across town. He’s done it to me, and I’ve seriously considered throwing on my brakes and letting him buy the back of my car. If I knew I wouldn’t get hurt, I would. Being the safety bug I am, I will just continue to seethe quietly instead. Well, maybe with hand gestures.

7. On The Blink-Did they take the turn signals out of some cars and not tell me? Because it seems as if some folks don’t have any. Tip: Making a left turn in front of me quickly without a signal is a good way to get run over. Or at least make me spill the contents of my lunch bag all over the front of the floorboard.

6. Putting on the Brakes- I hate it when folks putter 20 miles an hour in front of me and then slam on their brakes to make a turn. No matter how slow I’m going I will give myself whiplash trying to stop on a dime.

5. Disappearing Detour-We have a major road construction project about a mile from my house, and it affects three separate roads. I know it’s there. I know to expect a detour. I just don’t know from hour to hour where that detour is going to be. It moves frequently throughout the day. It’s probably not their fault, but I wish the construction folks could pick a detour and stay with it for a day or two.

4. Crappy Radio-I’m not too choosy about my music in the morning, but it seems there is nothing good on the radio at that time. I don’t need a lot of talk. I don’t need a bunch of commercials, and my ears aren’t ready for Kanye West at 6:30am. Just give me a little Steve Wonder or Marvin Gaye to start my day, Mr. Deejay. I know you have it. You play it later in the day when I’m at work and can’t listen to the radio.

3. Yellow Light Racers-I don’t know how many times I’ve almost been run over by someone racing through a red light at a high rate of speed because they thought they could beat it before it turned to red. Speed racers-saving yourself thirty seconds is not worth risking my life. If you’re doing it just because you like to go fast, let me know. I can hook you up with someone at the local racetrack who can give you a safe place to risk your own neck.

2. Cell Phone Hogs-Every day I am surrounded by folks trying to talk on the cell phone and drive in busy traffic at the same time. You’ve seen them. You’ve probably almost been run over by them. And I’ll bet if you were to take a poll of those folks, most would have to admit that the majority of their car calls are not that important. I say we ban cell phones from cars and that way I don’t have to answer mine whenever someone is calling to ask me what I’m cooking for supper or if I’ll pick up some Kraft Macaroni and Cheese at the Dollar Store.

1. This is the granddaddy of them all….the one that makes me absolutely insane…the thing that makes me swear like a sailor at strangers…the thing that makes me pull out fist fulls of hair…HOGGING THE LEFT LANE. Ooooh! I can’t stand it. If you are not passing or making a left turn soon, get out of the left lane, especially if you are driving way below the speed limit. Some of us would like to pass. Some of us are going the speed limit and would like to get around those of you who are driving 20 miles an hour in the 60 mph zone. No doubt, you are the same folks who park their cart in the middle of the aisle at Wal-Mart and hold up traffic in the bread aisle. Please, please get out of the way. I beg of you. You are plugging up traffic and making me cranky. Then I become that loud mouthing, swearing, angry driver that the rest of you hate.