I’m dating a widower. His wife’s been dead for 10 years. They didn’t share a home together for seven years before that, but when she got sick with cancer he moved in to take care of her.

I didn’t start dating him until five years after her death.

I resent that he mentions her every day. Many conversations become a story about his life with her and things they did together. It escalated when I asked why he kept her clothes hanging up like she’s still going to wear them.

My relationship’s becoming painful now because I feel that I’m not good enough.

He initially took me to places he took her, wanting to do everything the same. He asked me to do things that his wife liked sexually. It was very upsetting.

He keeps a shrine of her in his living room.

I love this guy but think I’m being used. I left a long-term emotionally abusive relationship to be with him. I don’t have any friends. I don’t want to hear about her every day.

Sad and Angry

If he’s trying to mould you into his late wife’s image, as it sometimes seems, then this too is an emotionally abusive relationship.

Tell him so. And stop accepting it.

You’ve been together long enough that you know his “stories” about her, just as he likely knows about your past. Say that it’s time you move forward as a couple, or apart.

It should start with clearing the mementos from sight, particularly dresses that’ll never be worn. After 10 years since she passed, any “shrine” should be in his private memories, and some saved items tucked away in a box.

But not in your face. And never in the bed you share.

My ex and I separated three years ago after 38 years of a good marriage.

He had an affair for a year with a married woman he met on the Internet. I was devastated.

Counselling, a support group, and help of family and friends helped me pick up the pieces and cope with all the emotions I was going through.

We’ve each moved on with our lives. We live in different cities and don’t communicate.

Our oldest son and his wife are expecting their first child soon. My son’s mother-in-law has informed me that my ex’s girlfriend will be attending the shower.

I haven’t met this woman and don’t want anything to do with her. I’m unsure if I should even attend the shower.

I don’t feel it was right for them to invite her when they should know how uncomfortable it’ll be for me in her presence.

But if I don’t go, my son and his wife may be ticked off at me, and it’ll also make the girlfriend happy that I didn’t show.

Terrible Choices

Go to the shower. Hold your head high, ignore her, but don’t be overtly rude.

Ask a close friend or relative to stick by your side. Focus on the baby, not on her.

Your son’s trying to maintain his relationship with his father, which is his right, and also the appropriate gesture as he starts his family life with a new child.

By not going, you make the event and chatter more about you … and yes, he’ll be upset.

You’ve good reasons to appear there, proud of your son’s family, and proud of your own healthy adjustment to a divorce you didn’t cause. Your son will be equally proud of you.

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