Thoughts 11/3/15
Feeling a little weird today, can’t really explain the feeling. Thinking a lot about my therapy session from this morning. Didn’t really go over that much new. Read a portion of what we did last week. The part of my life dealing with how my aunt and uncle reacted to me. How they rejected me, did not nourish me or try to help me heal from the deaths of my parents. Discussed how their behavior towards me helped shape the insecure, dis functional person I am today.
We also talked about things that were said to me by my sister-in-law, at the time of me being pushed away from my remaining family. My brother unwilling to give me the items back that I chose from my mothers belongings that my aunt gave to him to “store” until I got out of college and got my own apartment. Being told that I didn’t deserve anything when my mother died because I was adopted, “not their real child”. Being disbelieved when I was trying to explain how hard it was for me to deal with being sexually abused as a child, because my parents spoiled me and babied me, that couldn’t have happened to me. In and of itself, I think these small acts and words may not have been too bad. Not right by any means, but not detrimental alone. The combination of being sexually abused as a child, the death of my father when I was 14, the death of my mother when I was 16, having to subsequently live with my aunt and uncle and ultimately being kicked out of the family…….that’s what messed me up.
Rejection! Constant rejection!
Going back and reading my initial account, the first time I put my story to pen and paper, it is sometimes hard to believe some of the things that were said, things that were done. Do the people, family if you will, of my youth really believe that everything they said and did to me was right? That was the best way to deal with me? The right way for me to learn? Did no one have empathy? Was it that everyone was so self absorbed in their own pain they didn’t notice mine? Did no one care? I was the child in this horror.
I’ll never know what they thought. Not for lack of trying. Not that I haven’t tried to open the doors to communication. Are they all so self righteous that they see no err in their ways? No one has the balls to admit they’ve done anything wrong.
I know they have and that has to be enough for me!