Pages

Wednesday, March 04, 2015

Realizing My Place

Well, I got to go back to work for one day and now I'm off again due to inclement weather. There isn't actually anything but rain coming down, right now, but it's supposed to transition over to sleet and snow here pretty soon. I'm glad that our superintendent decided to be proactive so that we wouldn't have to take the chance of having to drive home in icy weather. Even if we don't get near as much bad weather as they are predicting, it's better to be safe than sorry.

I'm feeling really good this morning. I slept pretty well, and the only thing on my mind when I went to bed was why I didn't bring work home with me to do. That was kinda dumb, but I've got plenty of stuff to keep me occupied around the house.

You ever just have one of those feelings where you just get this little burst of happiness, but have no idea where it's coming from? That's kinda how I feel right now. Like I'm really happy, but there's no specific reason for it. It's definitely not a bad thing, and I love feeling this way. There are times when you get that upset stomach feeling when you know something bad is about to happen, so it's only right that there should be times when you get that little burst of excitement or happiness when something good might be about to happen. Maybe that's what it is. Maybe something good is going to happen, or maybe something bad isn't going to happen. Either way, I'll take it.

I said in my blog yesterday that I've kind of become numb to my feelings. The bad feelings. And I'm really starting to believe that. It's almost like I've reached the point of acceptance that I can take on just about anything that's thrown my way, that I'm not going to give up no matter how much I have felt like I should, and I will keep moving forward one step at a time.

There are some people in this world that need just one person on their side. Someone who has to prove that they're not going to give up, that's going to support them, love them, and be there for them no matter what. And those people don't cause pain for the sake of causing pain, they do so because they aren't used to having or don't believe that they have someone that will really do those things. They try and push away that one person, testing the limits, testing the lengths that one person will be willing to go, and making that one person prove that they really can count on them through all the bad as well as the good.

And I've said countless times that I am that one person for someone, but even though I said it, I kept having doubts. Now, I really know that it's true. The numbness that I've taken on in my feelings isn't so much numbness as it is acceptance. I have accepted my place, I have accepted that I really will do whatever I need to do and put up with whatever I need to put up with, because I'm not willing to give up.

With this acceptance of the fact that I am that one person for someone else has come the realization that the same person I'm there for is the person who is there for me. He is my rock just as much as I am his. No matter what we go through, no matter how mad we get, no matter how much he tests me or pushes me away, we are there for each other. We can't stay mad, we can't walk away, we can't let go. Lord knows, we've both tried. But, it doesn't take long before everything just smooths out and picks back up.

Sure, it's taken a while to realize all of this, but it's starting to piece together and I'm understanding stuff better. As I've said many times before, life is full of tests. How we handle those tests speaks volumes to who we are and who we become. Some people would have given up a long time ago, but I am not one of them. I'm in it for the long haul, I've found my peace, and I am putting one foot in front of the other. I know that there will be continue to be challenges. I know that there will continue to be tests. I know that there will be situations that make me feel uncomfortable, sad, or angry. But, every day I become more and more strong, more and more able, and more and more devoted to doing what I originally set out to do and making it all work out for the best.

Am I scared? No.

Do I believe I can handle it? Yes.

Do I think it will be easy? Not at all.

But, I'm confident. I'm able. I'm willing. That's all I need.

I'm going to keep my feet firmly planted, keep my eyes facing forward, and do what I have to do.