Archives for October 2014

1. I finally wrapped up Friday Night Lights so the obvious next step was to dive into something else immediately. The Princess and I have started watching Gilmore Girls. Given how she ridiculed me when I turned the first episode on, I find it amusing that she’s so engrossed.

2. Coming home to nice mail is a fun change of pace. Yesterday was StitchFix day. Unfortunately, I don’t necessarily have the budget to buy a bunch of clothes so fortunately there were some fit problems: I am far too long waisted for the blue dress, the denim jacket had a fit I didn’t love, and the orange top – though I loved the color – just wasn’t worth the $54 price tag to me. I’m keeping that funky cardigan on the bottom – when I pulled it out of the box, I was sure it was a sofa pillow but it’s funky and warm and will probably be ideal in the super cold Michigan months we’re about to dive into.

3. A client visit yesterday meant that I was on the road by 6:30. In the morning. While I’m usually awake then, I’m not usually up, ready and out the door then. And then there were no convenient coffee shops on the way. And then everything was awful. Actually, it wasn’t that awful, just early mornings with PMS and no coffee don’t really bode well for my general demeanor. Sorry.

4. I finished antibiotics for a sinus infection a few weeks ago and well… I think the damn thing is back. That’s probably not really helping my mood either. This morning I woke up feeling like wet cement was poured near my sinuses and then hardening and expanding and blowing up my sinuses. Pretty picture, huh?

5. I have been on a reading frenzy lately. I went to the library a few weeks ago – picked up six books. While there, I told myself I wasn’t going to berate my choice in books and if I want to read even if they’re not rocket science. The result? I have entertaining speedy reads to pick up after a long day. It’s been nice to want to read again.

6. I actually bought Halloween candy to pass out this year instead of turning my lights out and pretending I’m not home. Actually, last year I wasn’t home – but that’s neither here nor there – usually, I avoid it like the plague – and this year I HAVE CANDY.

8. I have no concrete plans this weekend but to get my shutters back on my house and I’m relieved and hopeful for a moment or two to breathe. Feels like life has very much been gogogogogogogogogogogo lately and I just want to stop moving and catch my breath. I want to not have to do anything or be anywhere at least for a little while.

9. I’d also like to sleep in and not be on the road at 6:30 a.m. Last weekend, i didn’t have anywhere to go and yet I was up just after 6. Ridiculous. Body clocks are absolutely ridiculous.

Oprah is kind of known for many things, but in recent years, she’s done a lot of the whole “What I Know For Sure” bit – she even released a book about it, which is cool and all – you can do that when you’re Oprah. But the thing is, what I know for sure is that there’s very little that I truly know for sure.

Today, I turn 38 and I find that there are far more mysteries than certainties – and I’m trying to reconcile myself to that fact. Perhaps I am not meant to have all of the answers.

But here are some things I’ve picked up along the way.

1. Plans are just that. Plans. Sometimes plans change.

“Make a plan, god laughs.” I think that’s how the saying goes. Anyway, I’m a planner – I like to have a path – I like to know that I can put one foot in front of the other confidently in the direction of my goals and that I’m going to get there. Except…sometimes you don’t. Sometimes things change, plans change, and you have to adjust your sails and change along with it. I thought that I knew where I would be at this point in my life – 38 feels dangerously close to 40 and I still feel like I’m muddling through sometimes.

The thing is, as difficult as it may be to change your course, sometimes – plans change for a reason.

Not knowing the direction you’re heading towards is scary, but it’s a lot less scary than moving in the wrong direction.

2. Priorities – you really should have some.

I am a parent – first and foremost, probably – I am a mother and so there’s an ever present realization in my mind that there are two amazing children who come before me. It means that sometimes I am at the absolute bottom of my list – but having people counting on me means that I need to be dependable, reliable and someone they can trust to be there.

Because I am a parent, because I am an employee, coworker, teammate, because I am someone that people count on, there are times that life gets complicated because I’m juggling so as to make sure things are taken care of.

And not to be all judgey (but I totally get to be all judgey because it’s my birthday and it’s my blog) but sometimes I see people acting with no real sense of obligation to anything except their own self and it boggles my mind. Ditching plans with your children, calling in sick to work because you don’t feel like it, waiting for someone else to take care of you rather than trying to find your own solutions.

I think I was born an old soul. It’s not to say I always do the right thing – but generally I know what is most important and all else falls in line behind that.

3. There’s a huge difference between being alone and being lonely. And it is possible to feel lonely, even when you’re surrounded by people.

I wrote this on a scrap of paper for this post and then had a conversation with a friend who basically said to me these very words. It is possible to feel lonely when you are surrounded by people. What I’ll add to that is that loneliness is one of the worst possible feelings in the world.

I’m all about my alone time – I am every bit an introvert – and being around people nonstop eventually wears me out. That alone time to recharge, recoup – it is as essential to me as air some days.

But lonely is different. Lonely doesn’t feel like a choice. Lonely is feeling like someone chooses not to see you. Lonely is an ache that seems to build in the pit of your stomach and leaves you hunched against the wall wrapped in sadness.

I’ve been alone and I’ve been lonely and I’ll take being alone over being lonely – any day of the week.

When the South Beach diet was the rage, there was nothing that sounded quite as miserable to me as a life where carbs were a no-no. And now there’s paleo and whole 30 and voluntarily going gluten-free {Hey y’all with legit gluten sensitivities – chill out, I’m not talking about you}. I’ve had my days of counting fat grams and calories but ultimately, every time I hear the phrase, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels” I just feel sad for those poor lost souls who have never had a decent piece of cheesecake.

I cannot imagine my life without warm cinnamon rolls, or garlic bread. Without margaritas in a salt-rimmed glass. Chips so fresh that they’re warm and a spicy salsa.

I don’t want to imagine my life without them – so I don’t. I just eat them. Maybe not as much as I want, or as often – but at least I don’t have to live without. (I haven’t yet worked out how to not feel guilty about it yet. Ask me again next year.)

5. Break a sweat daily.

Maybe this is why I can say with such certainty that you shouldn’t deprive yourself of the yummy stuff – because you should also be moving. Not only is it better for you health wise if you are active – but if you’re anything like me, you’re probably less of a jerk face when you’re exercising regularly.

6. You are not responsible for other people’s emotions.

When it comes to emotions, it may not always be easy to understand but essentially what you feel is what you feel. No, someone didn’t “hurt you” – your hurt stemmed from your reaction. Someone didn’t “make you sad” – you just WERE.

If you are one who avoids conflict then you’re familiar with the feeling of trying to not upset people – but this is the glorious thing: YOU CAN’T. If you could control the emotions of other people, MY GOD! Imagine the power you would have. But… you can’t. You can’t and I can’t and he can’t and she can’t. We just…can’t. Feelings are what they are and you can’t go through life trying to protect people from their negative feelings or expecting them to protect you from yours. Sometimes you will be sad. You’ll hurt. You’ll also be okay because everything will get better. Feel what you need to feel for as long as you need to feel it and then find a way to move onward. Sometimes other people will be sad or mad or whatever they happen to feel.

Feelings don’t always make sense, but it’s up to each of us to own our own feelings.

7. Sleep isn’t as easy as it should be.

All the science says that there are big time benefits to getting enough sleep and huge detriments to your health and well being when you don’t accumulate enough zzzzz’s and yet so many people I know (and myself!) struggle with insomnia, at least occasionally. You would think that for how lovely and enjoyable and good it feels, it would be far easier to do. It’s not.

When the girls were born, I thought I was done with insomnia – I was just so worn out at the end of the day that I slept HARD. These days? I fall asleep easily… I just often end up waking in the middle of the night and then an hour before my alarm in the morning. I’m tired. I shouldn’t be mad at sleep but I am more than a little bit mad at sleep.

8. Sometimes you just gotta go through the yucky stuff.

As much as you want to avoid anything negative, sometimes you can’t. And as much as you want out once you’re in, sometimes there’s no way out but to slog right through it. It’s this yucky stuff that builds our character and all that stuff. It’s the badge of honor, the sense of pride, the “lo hicimos! We did it!” Dora-The-Explorer moment. Sucks when you’re in the midst of it but life doesn’t let us move in reverse. Onward.

9. Money can’t buy you happiness but a lot relies on that stupid green stuff. There’s nothing wrong with you if you think about money. A lot.

Yes, money can’t buy happiness.

The best things in life are free.

Things are just things.

And all of those little platitudes would have me believe that any emphasis I put on money or my lack of it is superficial or wrong, or that my focus is in the wrong place and I’m not truly appreciating all of the blessings ahead of me to which I say: Uh. Whatever, bub. Like it or not, money is what keeps the roof over your head, the food on the table, the clothes on your back, the lights on above you. It is what fills your gas tank so you can drive to work so you can earn money for said roof and all that other jazz.

And really most of us are just getting by. Or so it seems.

I can’t begin to recount the number of conversations I’ve had with friends and family – and there’s probably not a single one of us who would turn away from a money tree in our front yard. But trust me, there’s also not a single one of us who doesn’t see how blessed we are in other ways. You can feel blessed AND stressed.

Trust me. I know.

10. I’m not done learning.

Think I’m done learning? Think again. I’m learning new things all the time – about myself, about my kids, about the people in my life, the world around me. I joke that I am older than dirt, but I’m still at the beginning. There’s so much more to learn, so much more to see, and so much yet still in front of me.

I’m a spring-mother-clucking-chicken. (I cringed as I typed that, I hope you know)

I’m not done yet.

Here’s to another year.

Here’s to love and learning and hope and slogging through the yucky stuff. Here’s to saving my pennies and bitching over the energy bill. Here’s to margaritas and cookies. To alone time without loneliness. To birthday cake and wrinkle cream.

1. I’m at the point of Art Prize where I’m tired of it. I’ve seen all the pieces I want to see. I’ve voted. The jurors have told us what pieces they think we should care about. And now I’m tired of all the people crowding the sidewalk with their slow walking, art gawking, pausing in the middle of a cross walk as if suddenly confused about where they’re going. I’m tired of the cars with drivers who think that looking for pedestrians is an optional activity. Basically – I’m just annoyed with it. I get to this point every year – and so now that I’m here, it can be all over please.

2. The weekends seem to fill with STUFF and I am getting nothing done around my house. I painted my shutters ages ago but they’re still propped up in my garage. Everything is a mess and I CANNOT STAND IT. I have vacation time to burn before this year is up and I’m thinking about how lame it will make me to take a week off to un-mess my house. I’m also wondering how much it costs to rent a dumpster so I can haul this crap away. TOO. MUCH. JUNK.

3. So. GONE GIRL. Saw it Saturday night. It was amazingly well done and left me so tense I was jittery in the dark parking lot afterwards. I read the book so I wasn’t really surprised, but kinda sorta, I was surprised.

4. The Princess called me to the window yesterday morning to watch the eclipse. It was pretty awesome and I am glad she knows about these things so she can tell me and I can start my morning with the amazing things that the world can do instead of just a cup of coffee.

5. That thing where you have zero traveling budget but scope out airfare anyway. As if. We’ve already established I need to use my vacation time cleaning my house.

6. So, I’m thinking I may finally take the plunge and CANCEL CABLE. So tired of paying for it. Plus, they just put Rehab Addict on Netflix so it may just satisfy my HGTV-addiction.

7. Not that I have time to watch anything else while I’m still in the midst of binge watching Friday Night Lights.

8. We’re getting into gymnastics season. As much as I love watching my kid compete, I hate meet fees. October’s meet fees are kicking my ass. Is gymnastics season over yet? (It hasn’t even started. Only the paying for it has started.)

1. I used to get insomnia quite a bit when I was in high school and college- I’d have these nights where I just couldn’t sleep. Once i had kids, that sleeplessness completely went away. Until recently. For the past month, I’ve been struggling to stay asleep once asleep. Those last few hours before the alarm goes off, in particular. I’m so tired. I. Am. SO. Tired.

2. The weekend trip to Traverse City helped a bit, but now I’m back. Hard to not feel peace when you’re looking’ at beauty like this. Also? Delicious wine.

3. Sometimes you see things on the internet and you’re like, “WHOA. I have to do that.” I imagine it’s how my daughter feels when she’s scrolling through Pinterest. Anyway, last week I kept seeing posts of tator tots cooked in the waffle iron as a waffle/hashbrown thingamabobber and yep, I have to report: Darn. Good.

4. Second week of antibiotics for a sinus infection and I still don’t feel 100% yet. I hate taking antibiotics.

5. YAY! October. It’s now my birthday month.

6. I was supposed to go to New York this month. Yesterday as I was scrolling through pictures of New York in the fall, my heart broke a little. I hate that I can’t go. I know it’s life an life happens – between finding the funds to go and the fact that there is unavoidable work stuff during that time – well, it just wouldn’t work. But I really really wanted to go.

7. Why do I even have cable anymore? All I need is to be able to watch Food Network HGTV and Project Runway. For that privilege – for the use of THREE channels I pay an absurd amount of money each month. Ridic. Wish cable companies could come up with an a la carte business model that made money for them and saved money for me.

8. On television shows, people are always going to college visits and college interviews and is that really a thing because… I didn’t do that?

9. Gone Girl hits the theaters this weekend. I don’t love Ben Affleck but I’m looking forward to this one.

10. I was never a Gilmore Girls watcher but apparently it’s on Netflix now. Can’t start that one until I’m done with Friday Night Lights. I’m not sure how many seasons I have left of FNL but I don’t want it to be over. I’ll be sad when I’m done.