Moving, whether to a new house or apartment within the same city or to a completely new city or country, raises many emotions. Excitement, joy, sadness, and stress may be present all at the same time. Young children may not understand the reasons for the move. They interpret events largely through their perception of their parents’ state of mind. Your toddler intuitively knows if you are happy, excited, stressed or anxious. Even in the best case scenario, there may be difficult feelings around saying goodbye to a home, a babysitter, friends, and a school.

Here are some ways that parents can be helpful to their child when faced with a move.

Young children have not developed a sense of time and telling a child about a move too far in advance can cause a lot of worry. Even if your toddler has lots of language, she is only able to process what is concrete. Tell her in simple terms that you will be moving to a new house or to a home in a new city. Link your talking about the move to seeing packing boxes in the house or if possible to a time when she can actually visit the new home or see pictures of her new room.

Toddlers organize their understanding of the world around predictable routines and schedules and moving can certainly disrupt their regular daily lives. They therefore need to be reassured of all the elements of their life that will remain the same. When talking to your child about the move, emphasize these familiar objects and routines: ” All your favorite toys and books will be in your new room. Mommy or Daddy will wake you up and we will all have oatmeal for breakfast in our new house. Daddy will still take you to day care and Mommy will still pick you up everyday. We will still read three stories at bedtime and you will have your milk before you go to sleep.”

Make a goodbye book. This book will consist of photographs that you take of your child’s routines, environments, and people. Reminiscent of a childhood favorite, “Good Night Moon”, the captions of each photo should be simple and repetitive: “Goodbye Eli’s room,”, “Goodbye living room”, “Goodbye hippo playground”, “Goodbye walking to …(name of school or daycare), “Goodbye doormen”, “Goodbye …. and…. (names of caregivers at daycare or teachers at preschool)” , “Goodbye …(name of nanny or babysitter), etc. A goodbye book can help your child talk about her memories of her old home/neighborhood. Some children will want to look at the book repeatedly, others may discard it and not want to look at it. Both reactions and anything in between are absolutely typical.

Make sure your child and the important people in his life from whom he will be separating have a calm moment to say goodbye in person. You can suggest to your toddler to give a gift of a drawing or a photo of himself. If your child refuses to participate in saying goodbye, it’s ok to not force anything and to make it short. All kinds of reactions are typical and acceptable.

Reading books about moving can be helpful to your toddler. Examples are “The Berenstain Bears’ Moving Day”, “Moving House” by Anne Civardi and Michelle Bates, and “Big Ernie’s New Home” by Teresa Martin and Whitney Martin. Read these books when the move is imminent or underway so that they have concrete relevance to your child.

When possible, allow your toddler to help with packing. This can be symbolic and not actual packing, but giving him a box and asking him to pack his special things allows him to take an active role in the moving and can help him feel more confident about it.

When unpacking, it is helpful to set up your toddler’s room first. She will feel more settled and less worried when she can see all of her special and familiar things set up in her space.

Be patient and sensitive to regression or changes in behavior. It will take time for your child to adjust to her new home and she may need more sensitive care to settle in. Allow for some increased needs around goodbyes, transitions and bedtimes, but try to maintain helpful structures and routines to support their adjustment.

As we stated earlier, children pick up on their parents’ emotional states. If your move is causing you distress or excessive anxiety, it can be helpful to talk to a child development or parent child professional for support and guidance in figuring out how to talk to your child about the move. Specific, concrete, and age appropriate language is key in helping your child understand and accept the events as they unfold day by day.

For additional support that is specific to your individual family and current situation, email us at uwspsemail@gmail.com or call one of the following phone numbers: 646-345-3071 or 917-902-2050.

Your child’s first birthday is certainly a cause for celebration! Many families want to mark the occasion with a big, memorable event to surround their child with friends and family. However, this kind of party can be overwhelming and distressing to many toddlers. At UWS Parenting Support, we recommend very small, intimate and short (1 1/2 -2 hours, not too close to naptime) celebrations for a few good friends and family members. Quiet children’s music, finger food and cake is all you need to give your child a Happy Birthday. Save the big, loud parties for a few years so that your child (if he or she likes big parties, not all kids do) can enjoy it.

Go for your meal when your child is well rested and not too hungry. Eating too close to nap or bedtime will make it hard for your sleepy child to tolerate eating out.

Bring quiet activities to do at the table to make waiting for food easier. Crayons, small cars and trucks and play figures are easy to pack and use during these times.

If possible, have everyone’s food served at the same time rather than asking for your child’s food to come first. If your child is not too hungry and can eat independently it is helpful to have all the food come together so your child is not waiting for you when she is done with her meal.

To avoid too much sitting time, take turns walking around the restaurant or outside before the food comes. Bring your child to sit down as soon as the food arrives for all.

Playing with a ball with your baby or toddler helps her to practice many important skills. A simple beach ball or soft plush ball works well for this activity. Sit across from her and play a rolling catch game. By rolling the ball back and forth, your very young child starts to develop an understanding of the back and forth and the turn taking that is important in language development and socializing. Engaging in conversation requires the ability to wait for and take a turn which mimics the game of catch. This turn taking is also the beginning of sharing (a social skill that emerges after the age of 3). Rolling the ball toward someone and receiving it back from that person while having fun is an experience akin to the give and take of a rewarding dialogue.

Toddlers can spend endless playtime pushing buttons, turning handles or flipping levers. The classic pop-up toy offers age appropriate play that promotes physical, emotional and cognitive development. Physically children practice fine motor skills by using their little hands to push, pull,and turn. Emotionally and cognitively they explore cause and effect and practice object permanence as they make the character go away and come back. This helps with the real hellos and goodbyes in their daily life. It’s fun to narrate your child’s play by saying, “Hey, where did Big Bird go?” and “Yay, you made him come back, hello Big Bird!”

Just like bath time and bed time, uninterrupted playtime with Mommy or Daddy should be an important part of your daily routine. It can be as short as 15 or 20 minutes a day. Turn off your devices and let your child choose and lead the play sequence. Your role is to embrace his ideas, follow and join her, and then build on what she makes up. Choose games and activities that are fun and pleasurable for both you and your child. Authentic pleasure in a parent-child relationship leads to a secure attachment. Try this and you may find that your child is more flexible, attentive and has an easier time with more stressful parts of the day.

Spring is here, allowing you and your child to get outside and spend time in your neighborhood playground. It can be fun for your child to meet up with friends and neighbors in the park, but it can also be stressful to share this common play space. Toddlers and preschoolers often need help playing together in the sandbox because it requires turn taking, impulse control and sharing. These are all skills that are challenging at this stage of development and your child will need some help from you to navigate the sandbox.

Here are some tips to help in the sandbox:

Bring more than one toy so that your child can use one and give another child a turn.

Do not bring your child’s favorite toy as this will be very difficult to share.

Stay close to your child to intervene if there is an issue with taking turns.

Model and teach your child how to ask for a toy.

Stay attuned to your child’s experience. Is he getting overstimulated, frustrated or overwhelmed by the activity in the sandbox? This may be a good time to gently scoop him up and say “The sandbox seems very busy and hard to play in today. Let’s take a break and come back when it’s quieter.”

Visit the sandbox during less busy hours to allow your child the room to explore and play with her own toys and ideas.

Winter is upon us! Are you dealing with the common challenge of struggling to get a coat on your protesting, squirming toddler? This can delay getting out the door on time and parents can feel exasperated and helpless.

It is important to remember that toddlers assert their autonomy by saying “no” to the wishes of their parents. They also rebel against being physically manipulated in any way. This is a necessary part of their “me” development but since they must wear a coat, what can you say and do when your two year old won’t put on her jacket?

Some children do well with your saying, “We have to go now. I will carry it for you until you need it” and then put their coat on in the lobby or once you’re just outside. However, for many children, that just delays the struggle and it is best to get the coat on inside your house before you go. You can distract your child with a toy, by talking about another topic that interests her or by singing a favorite song while putting on his coat, thereby avoiding a power struggle. Always focus on where you are going TO, rather than on the leaving.

If you have to put your child’s coat on and distraction doesn’t seem to be working, then put on his coat quickly and energetically, while remaining calm and talking to him in a reassuring tone about where you are going, what you will see on the way and get out the door as quickly as you possibly can. She will calm down after you get outside and start pushing the stroller.

Parents can feel that they are being aggressive while dressing a protesting toddler, but it is important to remember that he or she needs you to be in charge and is relieved when the struggle is over.

Hectic, stressful mornings are a common complaint among families with young children. Several people trying to get up, washed, fed, dressed and out the door in less than an hour. It can feel almost impossible to get through the mornings without an outburst from a child or a parent. Many parents feel shame, guilt and disappointment that they need to repeat themselves or even yell to keep their child focused on the morning routine and out the door in time for work and school. The preschool years can be particularly difficult because this is the first time that your child has had to maintain a morning schedule and may resist giving up a slower paced start to the day. Schedules can feel arbitrary and difficult to understand for a toddler or preschooler, and parents can feel frustrated and angry when their child does not follow through with the tasks at hand. It is helpful to understand some of the factors that contribute to the hectic start to the day so that your family can make changes that will allow for a more peaceful morning.

Most often, the end of a busy morning routine is met with a “goodbye” and separation between parents and children. This can be difficult for a preschooler who is just settling into school and learning to separate from Mommy and Daddy. Your child may not feel the same rush to get to school on time as you do because she is not feeling ready to say goodbye. This is a troublesome feeling to put into words for a young child or they may not even realize that they are feeling this. Instead, they will resist the morning routine and delay the goodbye as a way of communicating or acting out their struggle. It is helpful for parents to put the behaviors and feelings into words and reassure their preschooler that they understand and can help. It can be as simple as saying, “Mornings can be really tricky because there is a lot to do before we have to say goodbye at school and saying goodbye is still hard when we get there. Remember, I can read a book with you before you go into the classroom and I will be back to pick you up when school is finished. So let’s get those shoes on so we have time for that book”.

It is also challenging to balance your morning schedule and needs with the needs of your children. Some parents have to check their emails or messages to help organize their day, but their child requires their full attention. Others want their morning coffee, alone time or even a shower before they can attend to their child’s needs. This can be impossible to do if you are all waking up at the same time. Many parents find it extremely helpful to wake up before their child so that they can have the much needed time to themselves to start the day. This can be achieved by setting your alarm 20-30 minutes before your child’s wake-up time, allowing you to turn on your coffee maker, check your messages and jump in the shower before you have to make breakfast, give repeated reminders about teeth brushing, and help with shoelaces.

Families can also strategize together about how to make mornings easier. Ask your preschooler what she thinks about the morning…”Wow Missy, this was a really hard morning! You really didn’t want to get dressed and Mommy yelled too much. What do you think we could do so that tomorrow is not so rushed and hard”. The answer will probably not be a fully developed plan, but even short responses such as, “I don’t like to wear tights to school” can be very helpful. Planning together gives your child an active role in the morning and also some accountability.

These are just a few ideas that can help families establish more manageable and successful morning routines. UWS Parenting Support works with families who need more specific and individualized guidance to restructure their mornings and help their child calmly and happily start their day. Please call or email to learn more or schedule an appointment.