Submit your question for Ellie now, then join her at noon on Wednesday for her advice and insight.

There's plenty of reasons to talk about Porn: 68 per cent of young adult males and 18 per cent of young adult females look at porn at least once a week. It's today's "sex educator" beyond what's being taught in schools (if anything).

by Ellie6/4/2014 1:36:12 PM

Hi Everyone! Why talk about porn? It’s prevalence in today’s wired world is unrelenting – more young people get their information and expectations from exaggerated sexual images on porn videos than from any other source. More men are having solo sex while watching porn in favour of sex with a partner, more children have access to porn, and more explicit hard-core and degrading sex acts are available to see online. Yet some couples find a benefit from porn that they couldn't access elsewhere. The chat starts at noon and already questions and comments are being posted. I look forward to yours!

by Ellie6/4/2014 2:09:55 PM

My husband watches porn frequently and we haven’t had sex in months. He says he only uses it when he’s too tired to make love, but needs it to help him masturbate and get a good night’s sleep. He’s been working very hard and says he’s very stressed and that’s why he hasn’t the energy for foreplay and sex with me. I feel pushed right out of having a sex life, because porn is more of a turn-on for him than I am.

by porn widow6/4/2014 2:10:20 PM

My wife thinks that my porn habit is “cheating.” This is ridiculous, I have never cheated on her, and wouldn’t. I love her and my family life too much to risk it that way and besides it’s not needed. She and I have sex at least once a week and it’s always loving and satisfying for both of us. But just as she likes reading romance novels, I like watching porn. I’m not going to strip clubs and having lap dances, I’m at home in the privacy of the TV room, watching a few videos and getting off. It’s relaxing.

by Relaxed6/4/2014 2:11:02 PM

They've been married for less than a year and no sex, but there is porn...for him. Join the chat at 12 and help this woman understand what's going on and decide what to do.

by Ellie6/4/2014 3:16:02 PM

He's young and upset because he thinks his penis is too "small" to ever risk having sex with a girl. He needs encouragement to learn the difference between what porn-star studs and regular guys.

by Ellie6/4/2014 3:34:17 PM

Some sex and relationship therapists say that solitary use of porn is a huge factor in relationship breakdown and that it is "spiralling out of control." Join the chat at noon, it's anonymous.

by Ellie6/4/2014 3:39:36 PM

2012 study - found that as pornography consumption increased, relationship commitment decreased, and the likelihood of having sex with others increased. “Pornography consumption is not only related to weakened commitment in relationships but to the consequences of that decreased commitment, like infidelity.”

by Ellie6/4/2014 3:43:41 PM

Welcome All – A young woman finds her date thinks anal sex is a “routine” sex act and he stops calling after she became upset about this. A man says his use of porn for solo sex is necessary, due to his wife’s low sex drive. It’s time we talked openly about porn and understood its effects – which are not all bad – on relationships. As always, we’ll learn from each other! I’ll answer the early questions first, then yours

by Ellie6/4/2014 4:00:46 PM

porn widow -Even if what he’s saying is true, he’s given up on looking after the relationship, and any responsibility to satisfy you. Stress can be all-consuming, but when it’s that heavy both partners know this and, in healthy relationships, try to find some time to de-stress and occasionally nourish their relationship which includes having sex.

by Ellie6/4/2014 4:01:43 PM

Going months without sex is beyond having no energy for it. He’s become addicted to porn and solo sex involving no communication and no pleasing you.

by Ellie6/4/2014 4:02:07 PM

That leaves you with the tough decision of how long you’re willing to put up with this. Tell him so.

by Ellie6/4/2014 4:02:22 PM

Relaxed – you’re relaxed about porn but she’s not. Help her understand your position better by doing some research together…not of the videos themselves but of the many scientific studies and thought going on precisely because porn has become so prevalent in our society and its consumption by males like yourself so common.

by Ellie6/4/2014 4:03:00 PM

As described on the website www.netdoctor.co.uk by a doctor and a psychotherapist who deal with the topic,“Lots of men use porn for quick masturbation – and this can happen even if they are in a sexually satisfying relationship…

by Ellie6/4/2014 4:03:24 PM

Men will often say that porn-assisted masturbation is intense, uncomplicated – and relaxing.”For men like you, porn is just an “extra” that has no impact on their feelings for their partner or relationship.

by Ellie6/4/2014 4:03:50 PM

It is NOT infidelity. Help her understand this.

by Ellie6/4/2014 4:04:28 PM

I've read your topic for the live chat today and it's like you're reading my mind. I'm newly married...Less than a year and he doesn't have sex with me. We do twice or three times a month, on Saturdays but it I feel like it's a chore for him. I initiate pretty much everytime and when I get shut down I feel defeated and self conscious. It's become a weekly argument and he says he will try to make an effort and then we fall back into routine. Another part of it is porn. I've caught him watching through Internet history and one morning when I came into the bedroom to ask what he wanted for breakfast he was searching for a video to watch. This hurt me because I feel like I'm right here willing and wanting but he rather that. We've got into huge arguments over it and he said he will stop, got emotional and said he has "father issues" (his dad was abusive and said he wouldn't amount to anything.) I haven't caught him viewing anything lately but I just think he's become more cleaver in hiding it. In my head I've now connected that when we don't have sex it's because he probably got his fix from porn. I've tried everything I could think of...dress sexy...tell him...send texts...be loving...ask for it...work out to keep in shape. I've become so insecure that I'm snooping and I've also become so insecure with myself. I'm still young (25) and get alot of attention from other men but I love my husband dearly and he is great in all other aspects of our marriage. We've been together for 5 years and he used to want to have sex all the time. I know there may not be any spontaneity anymore but I am very much attracted to him. Is porn ruining our newlywed sex life?

by Newlywed6/4/2014 4:04:36 PM

Newlywed – It’s important to try to address this now, early in your marriage, before kids and other life changes bring time and energy stresses that interfere with most couples’ sexual routines for awhile

by Ellie6/4/2014 4:05:47 PM

He’s used “father” issues as an excuse and should be willing to seek counselling to try to get past them. The clue there might be his feelings of inadequacy from that abuse by his father.

by Ellie6/4/2014 4:06:01 PM

Many young men find that regular married sex is not like what they saw on porn and believed to be routine. If you two are sometimes having sex without great passion, or he’s not able to keep going after a climax, those old feelings of inadequacy may’ve been revived.

by Ellie6/4/2014 4:06:17 PM

Whether that’s so or not, his distancing and turning to porn seems to be more about him than you. And also it's more about him than porn, though porn and hiding it will become more of a problem over time.

by Ellie6/4/2014 4:06:38 PM

So I advise you to stop feeling insecure and encourage him to look into what’s really bothering him. Be clear, that even though you love him, your marriage will likely not survive if he continues to avoid sex with you. It’s unfair, demeaning, hurtful, and a waste of the love that you both feel.

by Ellie6/4/2014 4:06:55 PM

Do others have advice for this newlywed?

by Ellie6/4/2014 4:07:09 PM

I’ve been married for 26 years to the same woman and love her, but her lesser libido to mine left me with two choices: cheat or watch porn and relieve myself that way. I’ve explained this to my wife and so she goes to bed alone so I can take care of myself. We do have sex about once or sometimes twice a month and she tries to be enthusiastic about it, but that’s not enough for me.

by Unsatisfied6/4/2014 4:07:54 PM

Unsatisfied – It seems as if you two have come to a quiet agreement to handle the libido difference this way. I’ve heard from many other couples with different sex drives and usually there’s an effort made to compromise, i.e. go to sex therapy together, or have the low-libido person undergo some counselling alone to probe the reasons.

Your solution, so far, seems fairly arbitrary rather than a mutual discussion and effort. Perhaps she’d be more “enthusiastic,” if you approached it as a couples’ problem and not just yours to fix for yourself. If nothing else works, then at least you can both say you've tried.

by Ellie6/4/2014 4:09:19 PM

@Newlywed: Make a video for him / with him, so he can use that for solo sex. That may allow him to deal with his feelings of inadequacy in a way that should be harmless to you. And hopefully, when he gets a taste for your love again, he'll want more than the video.

by jelly edited by life6/4/2014 4:09:38 PM

That's a very interesting and creative idea! It won't get to the root of what's troubling him from his father's treatment, but it's a good start if it works, towards re-connecting.

by Ellie6/4/2014 4:10:42 PM

My girlfriend and I both watch porn separately and together as well. It has worked amazingly well for us and has really taken our sex life to a whole new level. I think there is a lot of hidden potential in exploring the subject together if it is done properly and the lines of communication are good. It is certainly not for every relationship as it does require both individuals to be like-minded and open-minded about the subject and sexuality as a whole. Porn is a visual stimulation and fantasy which has been around for a long time and it is here to stay so it almost seems natural to incorporate this into one's relationship. The key is communication, so begin with having these conversations and see if it can be shared in your relationship and prepare for hotter sex!

by pornpro6/4/2014 4:10:59 PM

Good points and a positive use of porn as a stimulant as well as a teaching tool. But you're right, the conversation is so important, so both are comfortable with this. And those conversations have to keep taking place from time to time, so that the level of porn and frequency of use is kept agreeable to both.

by Ellie6/4/2014 4:12:43 PM

My hubby became quite an avid user of online porn and boy, did our sex life suffer. I don't look like a porn actress so of course I felt judged and lesser than. He eventually did cheat on me. So - is there a link? I think there is.

by Sick of Porn6/4/2014 4:13:07 PM

It was a lazy way to get his own satisfaction.

by Sick of Porn6/4/2014 4:13:14 PM

Researchers have found a link between increased use of porn and lessened commitment to a relationship.

by Ellie6/4/2014 4:14:02 PM

The sad thing is you feeling judged for not looking like a porn star. It's a common but completely self-defeating reaction since it makes women feel so insecure and inadequate when excessive porn-watching is not just lazy, it's an addiction and goes way beyond what a wife or girlfriend looks like by comparison to porn stars.

by Ellie6/4/2014 4:16:16 PM

Watching it on my own and then together helped me with my insecurities and feelings that he was 'cheating on me'. We now mutually agree on a video to watch based on each of our tastes.

by Together6/4/2014 4:16:24 PM

Sounds reasonable to me!

by Ellie6/4/2014 4:16:44 PM

With all that is available on the internet and not all of it healthy, I'm truly worried about the next generation as this is all they will have to reference when parents don't "parent", teach or converse about sexuality. Any ideas on how to broach the subject with the 2 cool teenager who doesn't trust anyone over 30?

by Disturbed6/4/2014 4:16:51 PM

I'm a female and have dated a man with a porn addiction. Didn't know it when we started and really wasn't too bothered by it when I saw the initial flags as I enjoy porn myself. What bothered me was the type that he was watching, it was really kind of gross. I did try and speak to him and the best that he came up with "that's what all guys watch". Sorry, been around the block a few times and didn't believe him. I was actually worried that things might get out of hand and left him. But is it really true, that the nastier, the better for men?

by Disturbed6/4/2014 4:17:21 PM

Let me address this last post from Disturbed first...Young guys are turned on by hard-core sex, it's fascinating to them. But there's also science behind it and porn-makers know what they're doing. Notice for example that filming is usually from the man's view...you see his penis and his back perhaps but mostly you see the female being acted upon and the brain of the viewer is "re-wired" by this stimulation to almost imagine that's him. I'll reference the article about this later.