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John Kerry voted for the war in Iraq before he voted against it. It’s a lie invented by the GOP propaganda machine and obediently repeated ad nauseum by the right-wing media in a concerted effort to falsely portray a decorated war hero thrice wounded in Vietnam as a spineless waffler who wouldn’t wipe his own backside without first checking the public opinion polls. But in truth, Kerry has always been opposed to the illegal and immoral war in Iraq. He was simply waiting until the voters had matured enough emotionally to agree with him. Now that all the polls indicate that most Americans believe the entire War on Terror is a complete waste of time, the esteemed senator from Massachusetts feels we’re at last ready to support his call for a complete and unconditional withdrawal of all U.S. forces from Iraq.

Make no mistake, this is NOT a retreat, but merely a phased "redeployment" of our troops back to the States, where they can be reunited with their loved ones and then tried for possible war crimes. There’s no shame is running away and living to fight another day – preferably while wearing a baby blue helmet. Indeed, it takes a strong man to swallow his pride and turn the other cheek in the face of adversity. Think of all the lives that would have been spared if on that sixth day of June, 1944, Gen. Eisenhower had put his enormous ego aside and brought our boys home, rather than force them to storm a silly beach in an illegal and immoral war against a country that never attacked us. Imagine if Jingus Khan had the courage to end his reign of terror and redeploy his troops back to Mongolia, rather than continue to burn and pillage in a fashion reminiscent of the United States Marine Corps. Imagine all the people living life in peace.

Sadly, the chickenhawk-controlled congress doesn’t have the guts to flee like real men, and essentially told Kerry to take his amendment and "redeploy" it to a certain area of his anatomy. However, the measure went over gangbusters with Al Qaeda, a testament to Sen. Kerry’s skill as a diplomat. If John Kerry can find common ground with a sworn enemy of the United States, just think of the kind of president he’ll make.

One day after Dick Halliburton Cheney declared the Iraqi insurgency in its “final throes”, America mourns the loss of two more of her sons. I can’t imagine the unbelievable pain and sorrow the loved ones of those young men must be experiencing right now. Thankfully, every family has at least one clear-thinking progressive with the presence of mind to make the morning talk show rounds and denounce Bush before the bodies can get cold. Kenneth MacKenzie, a beloved uncle of one of the slain troops, didn’t let the fact that the rest of the family hadn’t yet heard the tragic news deter him from appearing on the Today Show to slam the U.S. military and demand Bush pay Al Qaida a $100 million cash advance on their next beheading.

The Shrub spent years planning the war in advance so he could steal Iraq’s oil, yet he failed to prepare for what happened to those fine, upstanding, Quran-mishandling bullies who were probably about to go torture some civilians or something before they were abducted. Now more innocent blood has been shed thanks to Bush’s incompetence, and my rage is eclipsed only by the sorrow I feel for the death of those two men whose names escape me. But even in this time of heartache, a bright beam of light penetrates through the darkness. While their deaths come almost a week after the passing of the much-anticipated Grim Milestone II (cue dazzling graphic), these fine young men did not die in vain, for their otherwise pointless sacrifice restores legitimacy to a peace movement still reeling from the murder of Al Zarqawi, and the ensuing upward trend in Bush’s poll numbers.

I’m sure the wingnuts will ignore MacKenzie's glorious transformation from the creepy uncle who keeps touching everyone at the family reunion to Absolute Moral Authority Who Must Never Be Questioned. They’ll predictably try to smear him for his refusal to be used as a propaganda tool for Bush’s illegal and immoral war on terror. But to those of us devoted to peace at all costs, he is a true patriot. He may have lost a nephew - whatever his name was - but Uncle Kenny has gained a seat next to Mother Cindy and Papa Berg on the wonderfully lucrative Impeachment Bus of Grief.

It’s been a while since we’ve opened the Big Bag o’ Hate Mail, and it’s chock full of hate-spewing, right-wing nastiness. Light blogging notwithstanding, I seem to have pushed all the right buttons the past few months. Even the clergy wants me dead:

What would Jesus do? He’d stop listening to Rush Limbaugh and go to college!

In between performing exorcisms on autistic kids, GATBOOTY proselytizes:

To who ever wrote this crap is under control of Satanical Spirits, this is someone who has nothing better to do then to destroy himself to a nasty death....For surely to say that the Mayflower Pact was some kind of flesh eating orgy is a jealous idiot....For someone myself who's family has been here since 1640 and who read alot of the hand written notes from that peroid this person is certainly demented......Rabbits, quail, and deer were all over the place and it was veggies that these people lacked....not the other way around...keep dreaming you jealous perverted soothsayer.........make a movie..I'm sure Micheal Moore would love it especially the 9/11 folly about Bush.......oh and how come you didn't mention how bush commendured hurricane Katrina with special satelites to gear it towards New Orleans and then he went out the nite after the storm hit, he and Navy Seals swam under the lake and blew up the levies. Imagination like this is proof there really is a devil and you are it....

1640, eh? Very impressive. Most bloodlines tend to peter out after a few generations of inbreeding, but you’ve managed to pull it off for 366 years. It has obviously taken its toll, though. My advice would be to turn of Faux News, stop listening to Rush Limbaugh and go to college. Perhaps then you’ll be able to correctly read those “handwritten notes” and learn the truth about the murdering ways of your great, great, great, great, great Uncle Cleatus...who was probably also your sister.

NEXT!

Kent Schwiesow blubbers:

Your complete lack of intelligence and ability to properly use the English language is astounding. This is in addition to your inability to have an original thought. You have my sympathy. I salute Ann Coulter for her intelligence and courage, and I can only feel sorry for idiots such as you.

Please. Obviously, you haven’t even bothered to read Coulter’s book, or you’d have nothing but contempt for her. You come to this argument unarmed and intellectually impotent, my friend. How can one present any sort of rational, logical argument in favor of Witchypoo when they haven’t even opened one of her books and seen for themselves the litany of lies and hatemongering filth printed within? Don’t play me for a fool, sir! I haven’t the time nor patience for Coulter's tripe, let alone yours!

I must confess I really enjoyed your atricle about Ann Coulter. It really made my day.

I have read her articles over the years and also her detractors and I must say you fit her description of the godless left to a tee. Your statement "Right-wing hatemonger and purveyor of hate, Ann "Nazi Bitch" Coulter" did you actually think about what you were saying? You who are the party of love and acceptance use the most vile language possible. Would the Savior of the world would refer to her breasts as you did?

What a fine example of Christianinity you are. You don't have the testicles to say this to the face of a marine in Iraq cause he would pull your pants down, and show everyone what a pathetic little coward you are and spank you execpt you would find this arousing.

I have heard soldiers describe the pathetc liberals are making the war more difficult for them and they see you as the gutless, whinning cowards that you are.

You don't have the courage to debate her points so you just spew venom just as she said you would. The hilarious part is she is totally using you to sell her book.

Keep it up, I need the laughs. It is obvious you have romantic feelings for her or you wouldn't be so wound up. The reality is she would never even consider you a man enough to date when she controls someone so pathetic as you.

Move to France and get you a pet Frog111

Romantic feelings for a wealthy conservative blonde woman who bathes regularly, has never had an abortion, and doesn’t want or already have a penis of her own? Sir, I am a progressive liberal. Don’t insult me.

Dave Townsend took issue with my negative review of the racist propaganda flick, Man on Fire:

Somehow I stumbled onto your "site". I will simply state that you are an absolute moron in every sense of the word. Thank God you are WAY WAY in the minority. Nutter.

That’s just like you cons. Always thinking in absolutes. I bet you’d get along just fine with this next guy.

Shawn Hare fantasizes like a true con:

Now more than ever I want to advance my plans to become dictator of the USA so that I can rid this country of ignorant purile turds such as yourself.

Have a nice day

First they came for the Turds, and I said nothing. Then they came for the Assholes, and still I said nothing. Then finally, they came for me, but no one was left at Jim McDermott's office to answer the phone.

Stan cleverly suggests I leave the country:

If you wrote this article I invite you to leave the country, obviously you are not happy here. Why stay in a place you are not happy. May I recommend Cuba, Iran, Syria, South Africa, Myanmar, and other totalitarian countries too numerous to name.

Thanks, Stan, but it’s up to me to defend this country against fascists such as yourself.

Actually gutless people like yourself should be thankful for veterans like myself.

You have the freedom to open your mouth and name call to your hearts content due to the sacrifices of us vets. The freedoms you have are a direct result of
men and women who had the guts to defend this country.

I would love to see you run off at the mouth like this in a country like the ones I mentioned. You would be either imprisoned or shot.

I'll be you have no idea what a real fascist is. Look in the mirror, theres one right there!

I pray to God that your hate will turn into something more useful.

God Bless You
Stan

Sorry for being rude back there, Stan. If I had known you were a veteran, I would have told to you to stop listening to Rush Limbaugh and go to college.

Here’s another doozy from an aspiring nazi jackboot:

Dear Gentleman (though I probably should not address you as such: one has to be a man before he can be a gentleman),
I found this site by accident and I am sorry I did. I was not going to give your misguided and shit-filled beliefs that could only come from a state of delirium any credit by e-mailing you, but I came upon the part of your site describing our "murderous" troops.
I am seventeen years old and am going to enlist when I graduate high school. I intend to be a Ranger and then go into Special Forces or Delta Force, so I was deeply angered at your comments. The only reason you have the right to make those completely false comments is because of those troops you think so lowly of. Men are dying for the principles that allow you to degrade those very men. In my opinion you are a sniveling, yellow-bellied coward who has no morals or principles.
"War is an ugly thing, but not the ugliest of things. The decayed and degraded state of moral and patriotic feeling of a person who thinks that nothing is worth war is much uglier. A man who has nothing for which he is willing to fight-nothing he cares about more than his own personal safety and well being is a miserable creature who has no chance of being free, unless made so by the exertions of better men (our soldiers,) than himself." John Stuart Mill was correct when he spoke these words and describes you perfectly.
Because of my belief in the teachings of my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, I have refrained from unleashing my anger in this e-mail and have been surprisingly polite and un-profane, considering the piece of trash (you, if your warped and delirious mind can not figure that out) I am talking to. Thankyou for your time.

Very unrespectfully,
Lane Cash Reeder,
Proud descendent of
Scottish Highland Warriors
and Soldiers of the Confederate
States of America and the United
States of America.

Johnny Rambo, joinin' the Army! Gonna be a Ranger, gonna kill himself some brown-skinned folks! Actually Lane, you have my respect, despite all that jingoist propaganda you probably heard on Rush Limbaugh and then proceeded to vomit all over my blog. Any guy who is in touch with his feminine side enough to wear a skirt can’t be all that bad. It's a shame Bush won't allow you to touch your feminine side any more when you get into the Army. My advice would be to ixnay all that Delta Force crap and go to college.

Oblivious to the irony, zac hare thinks I’m weird:

ok wierd guy i admit even as a conservative republican that some of your write ups a funny pending on the fact that i hope you are kidding. other than that i think your a frikin idiot. you should be happy our president is protecting our lives which i may add we take for granted. plz dont tell me you think hes an idiot for sending us into the middle east because with out
him doing that you could hve been killed by another mass terrorist attack. email me back if you have anything smart to say. but most liberals can
come back with anything.

A conservative
P.S. if your gonna have your own website learn to spell.

Gee, thanks Zac Hare. I guess with all the years I’ve devoted to getting university degrees, I’ve never had time to listen to Rush Limbaugh and get a REAL education.

I case you were wondering, not all my hate mail comes from drooling conservatives. Sometimes, one of our very own will drop me a line:

Karl writes from the state where Wally Mondale roams free:

Larry,
I'm a student from Minnesota, (incidentally a continuous Dem. state) and I have been reading your
blog for some time now. I have only a few things to say...

While I find it humorous when you rat on Republicans and our wanna be president, it's hard for me to rationalize the amount of heresay and just plain made up rants that you put in there. In your last hate mail blog, you said that you are just trying to have a "serious debate". That's kind of hypocritical, considering the truths that you stretch look like Bush getting sucked through a black hole. There is so much incriminating substance that doesn't need to be embellished, and I wish you would stick more to that, because sometimes your blogs gives Dems a bad name.

Karl

Hearsay and made up rants? That's a little harsh, dontcha think, Karl (cool name, by the way)? Sure, I'll embroider the truth a little bit now and then, but it's still the truth. For instance, I've taken some heat for saying that Bush drowned 1 million Black people in New Orleans, and I'll be the first one to admit that the number is a little low. But you have to realize that I have a good deal of conservative readers who can't count past the last toe on their right foot. Once you get up over five or more zeros, they tend to tune out. If we don't keep these morons hanging on our every word, they'll run over to Faux News. Thanks for the advice, though.

Finally, Johna became mesmerized by the Bush image on the blog and wrote:

He looks like a Monkey (sorry monkeys) and acts like one too!!

I h a t e the man

Finally, email from someone with half a brain!

With that, it’s time to close up the Big Bag o’ Hate Mail once again. Keep those cards and letters coming, conservofascists!

Drawing on her experience as the brash, young Watergate lawyer who single-handedly brought down the Nixon White House and gave the world the gift of Jimmy Carter, once and future President Hillary Clinton called for a Privacy Bill of Rights today. Not to be confused with the Right to Privacy that's already in the actual Bill of Rights, the Privacy Bill of Rights will protect our privacy in ways that the Privacy Act of 1974, the Computer Matching and Privacy Protection Act of 1988, the Video Privacy Protection Act of 1988, the Electronic Communications Privacy Act of 1986, the Children's Online Privacy Protection Act of 1998, the Family Educational Rights and Privacy Act of 1974, the 4th Amendment to the Constitution, and the hundreds of state privacy laws already in effect never could. Most importantly, it will make identity theft a crime.

For years, I’ve been under the impression that it already was a crime, but apparently I was wrong. I guess that it was just some sort of social taboo, frowned upon but entirely legal. Under President Hillary, identity theft will finally become a serious violation of an actual law, officially defined, on the books, and as rigorously enforced as our immigration laws.

The Privacy Bill of Rights will also protect average Americans from having their personal information collected without a court order. There will be exceptions, such as for digging up dirt on Republicans, but those are exactly the people the Privacy Bill of Rights is designed to protect us against. Indeed, if the Founding Fathers could have foreseen the constant assault on our civil liberties by this fascist administration, they would have written the Privacy Bill of Rights themselves and stapled it to the back of the Living, Breathing Constitution along with the Patient’s Bill of Rights, the Worker’s Bill of Rights, the GI Bill of Rights, the Cell Phone Bill of Rights, the Pet’s Bill of Rights, and the Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual & Transgendered Students' Bill of Rights. But thanks to Bush’s refusal to allow stem cell research, the Founding Fathers are long dead and no longer able to grant us more exiting rights, nor even express their desire to do. So in their infinite wisdom, they’ve bestowed Hillary with the power to speak for them, and it is a task from which she does not waver.

The GOP will, as usual, attempt to quash the Privacy Bill of Rights. Anything that has the word “rights” in it tends to make them squeamish. They'll probably say that the provisions against eavesdropping will hinder their ability to prevent terrorist attacks. Hillary is handing out free rights and all they want to do is go on fighting their silly War on Terror. But there are ways to stop terrorists without prying into their private lives. President Hillary will show us how, if we simply have the courage to open our minds and let her.

As a cloud of suspicion swirls around the legality and justification for what amounts to a political assassination of a foreign leader, witnesses have come forth to raise questions over whether Al Zarqawi’s human rights were violated as well.

In the immediate aftermath of the U.S. attack that killed three innocent women and a child holding a puppy, members of the historically violent "Delta Force" were seen removing Al Zarqawi’s Quran from the rubble in a method inconsistent with the basic tenets of Islam. Furthermore, there is reason to believe that it was done intentionally, with complete knowledge and consent at the highest levels.

Did Donald Rumsfeld order members of his black ops goon squad to hold Zarqawi’s Quran with their left hand, the same hand they use to pick their noses and wipe their fat American asses? Or was it purely an act of typical Western ignorance? And if it was indeed unintentional, why haven’t any of the military brass apologized to the Muslim peoples for this terrible insult? For that matter, why aren’t any of the so-called mainstream newspapers printing Sen. Ted Kennedy’s apology?

There are far more questions than answers.

Also of concern to human rights organizations is the treatment of Al Zarqawi’s body. After his lifeless corpse was airlifted to an undisclosed location, an autopsy was performed to determine cause of death. According to Islam, the remains of one who has crossed into paradise must be treated with utmost care and respect, and shall by no means be mutilated. The only exception being if the official cause of death is “exploded in a roomful of Jews”.

With his words and actions, the “Crusader” Bush has already proven his infuriating disregard for Muslim culture. But one wonders how mishandling Zarqawi’s Quran and carving up his body like a Thanksgiving turkey is going to win back the “hearts and minds” we lost when he starting dropping bombs on “evildoers”.

Word is that Operation: Defrost Al Qaeda!, an amalgamation of members from Operation: Cease Fire, Operation: Homecoming, Operation: End the War in Iraq, Operation: Democracy NOW!, Operation: Screeeeech!, and Operation: The Game of Life, is very close to announcing the discovery of what may be the last known residence of Abu Musab Al Zarqawi, the supposed Jordanian terrorist whose recent demise was conveniently timed to divert attention away from Congressman Pete Stark. Deep in the back room of a Baghdad area Dairy Queen, a commercial freezer may hold clues to how Zarqawi actually spent his final few moments in this world, hours before his twitching, partially-thawed body was pulled from the rubble of a demolished safe house.

According to Operation: Defrost Al Qaeda!, Zarqawi was held prisoner at this Dairy Queen for months, tucked safely away in the restaurant’s freezer until his death would be most politically beneficial to the Bush junta. As he shivered in the icy darkness, he probably kept company with the likes of Osama Bin Laden, whose pre-election “capture” had to be postponed when our own Rep. Jim McDermott got wise to the scheme. The freezer is quite possibly also home to Jimmy Hoffa, Amelia Earhart, and the Lindbergh Baby, all long dead but held on ice until the time is right for Bush to “discover” them. There’s little doubt that this is where Saddam’s sons, Scooby and Scrappy Hussein, met their true fate as well; huddled together amongst boxes of Blizzards and other frozen ice cream treats until they could be “killed” by U.S. troops in a staged “firefight” conveniently timed as the Abu Ghraib atrocities were coming to light. Nick Berg was certainly here, too, if only briefly, before Karl Rove sawed his head off while disguised as Al Zarqawi.

Thus far, demands to search the restaurant and crack open its icy vault have been met with angry refusals by the belligerent manager, who brandished a scimitar and threatened to chop off Michael Moore’s genitals if he did not remove his lips from the milkshake machine and leave the premises immediately. Obviously, he has something to hide. The fast-food chain’s complicity in the cover-up cannot be ignored either. I encourage all my readers, as patriotic progressive Americans who care about the truth, to march down to your nearest Dairy Queen and demand they release any terrorists leaders they are holding in their freezer, and immediately implement a more vegetarian-friendly menu. Enough people have died because of Bush's lies. There's no reason for innocent cows to suffer as well.

Just when I am convinced that the entire United States Military is full of spineless sheep that mindlessly obey everything they are ordered to do, a brave young Army Lieutenant by the name of Ehren Watada comes along and gives me hope. In an act of unprecedented courage, Watada publicly announced that he will refuse to join his Ft. Lewis Stryker Brigade on their impending deployment to Iraq this month, denouncing the “wholesale slaughter” of the Iraqi people in an “illegal and immoral war” waged for oil, and accusing the U.S. military of war crimes.

What a fine example of the caliber of men we have on the progressive left. Any other soldier would have to be tortured for days, perhaps even weeks before they’d have the courage to say the things Watada said willingly and proudly. They wrenched James Stockdale’s shoulders out of their sockets, shattered his leg, broke his back, and beat him relentlessly for SEVEN LONG YEARS, yet he still didn’t have the testicular fortitude to stand up against the illegal and immoral war in Vietnam. The weasel even slashed his own head with a piece of rusty metal and beat his face bloody with a stool to AVOID going before TV cameras and denouncing the imperialist aggressors so our troops could come home. Thankfully, John Kerry was there to do it for him.

If we had more men like brave Watada in our armed forces, this horrible war would be over in about five minutes. But he’ll probably go to jail for his courage. That coward Stockdale, on the other hand, got a goddamn Medal of Honor.

In an act eerily reminiscent of the infamous “shock and awe” campaign that marked the beginning of Bush’s illegal and immoral war, two laser-guided bombs fell from the Iraqi sky yesterday, shattering the morning calm and killing 12 innocent civilians as they slept peacefully in their beds. By pure chance, one of them just happened to be Abu Musab Al Zarqawi, the former Jordanian journalist blamed for numerous “terrorist attacks” around Iraq. Zarqawi was using the home as a “safe house”, a place where he could relax away from the probing eyes and eavesdropping ears of an administration determined to infringe upon his constitutional Right to Privacy. After years on the run from the Great Satan, at last he could spend a little quality time with his wife and kids, toss a couple burgers on the barbie, and share a few brewskis with his buddies while sawing heads off an infidel or two. After all, that's what "safe houses" are for. But instead of a little R & R with his friends and family, Big Al got 1000 lbs of TNT dropped right onto his Nike high-tops.

It's hard to be surprised anymore by Bush's endless stream of atrocities. But how far have we sank as a nation, how far has Bush dragged us down into the gutter, when we don't even recognize the concept of "sanctuary" anymore? I suppose the Shrub will drop a daisy-cutter on a home for battered wives next. Or perhaps nuke another orphanage.

In his maddening stupidity, Bush insists this will "turn the tide" in Iraq. If anything, Zarqawi's murder will only perpetuate the Giant Circle of Violence. I'm not entirely sure what that is, but I know it's very, very bad - very, very round - and Bush is completely to blame for it.

When the 9/11 widows appeared at the commission hearings held in their honor, tearfully clutching photos of their dead husbands as the TV cameras swung their way, and bursting into wails of despair whenever a Republican senator attempted to speak, the whole nation cried with them. Ann Coulter, however, had nothing but sneers of contempt for these brave womyn, and still does. On her recent Today Show appearance, Coulter went so far as to insinuate that the Joisey Grrlz are merely celebrity-seeking pity whores for the Democrat Party. Well, that’s like printing their grief onto toilet paper and wiping her ass with it.

If the men who perished in the 9/11 attacks died for anything at all, it was so that their wives could beat people over the head with it whenever their political motives are questioned. Indeed, having lost loved ones in the attacks makes one’s opinions on the war above reproach – as long as they are decidely anti-war opinions. By refusing to allow their frequently televised grief to be used as a weapon against her, Ann not only belittles the insufferable pain of the only four 9/11 widows who really matter, but insults the memory of every single little Eichmann who died in those towers.

Although I disagree with everything that comes out of Coulter’s festering, hate-filled maw, I made it a point to be polite and respectful in my scathing review of her book yesterday. Now that I am starting to learn what’s actually in it, I regret having held back.