Joke of the day

Every man needs a go-to joke.

Monday

Joke
N°
4762

A Helping Hand
A priest was walking along the cliffs at Dover when he came upon two locals pulling another man ashore on the end of a rope.
"That's what I like to see," said the priest: "A man helping his fellow man."
As he was walking away, one local remarked to the other: "Well, he sure doesn't know the first thing about shark fishing." Ryan Murphy

Tuesday

Joke
N°
4763

A Crime of Passion
One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th-floor apartment, killing him instantly.
Brought before the court on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her own defense: "Your Honor," she began coolly: "I figured that, at 92, if he could screw, he could also fly." Ryan Murphy

Wednesday

Joke
N°
4764

Driving Under the Influence
An Irishman who has had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver: "where have you been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub, of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well, it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening," the cop says.
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know that, a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?" asks the cop.
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk: "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf." Ryan Murphy

Thursday

Joke
N°
4765

Brain Transplant
A lawyer finds out he has an inoperable brain tumor. It's so large they have to do a brain transplant. His doctor gives him a choice of available brains. There's a jar of scientist brains for $10 an ounce, a jar of rocket scientist brains for $15 an ounce, and a jar of lawyer brains for $800 an ounce. The outraged lawyer says: "This is a rip-off! How come the lawyer brains are so damn expensive?"
The doctor replies: "Do you know how many lawyers it takes to get an ounce of brains?" Ryan Murphy

Friday

Joke
N°
4766

Martian Sex
A middle-aged couple went to a spouse-swapping party. They met a Martian couple and thought it would be nice to switch partners for the night. So they swapped spouses, and off they went. When the woman saw the male Martian's penis, she said, "Well, that's nice, but it's kind of short, isn't it?"
The Martian reached up and patted his head. As he did that, his penis got longer and longer. The woman saw that and said: "That's nice, but it's not very fat, is it?"
The Martian reached up and pulled on his ears. As he was doing that, his penis got fatter and fatter.
The woman had a grand time that night. In the morning, the man and woman were comparing their experience. The woman said: "I really enjoyed myself; we should swap again."
The man said: "I enjoyed it too, but I just can't figure out why she kept patting my head and pulling my ears!" Ryan Murphy

Saturday

Joke
N°
4767

Close Encounters
A professor at the University of Texas was giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: "How many people here believe in ghosts?"
About 90 students raise their hands.
"Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've seen a ghost?" he asks.
About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good," the professor says: "I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"
About 15 students raise their hands.
"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" he asks. Three students raise their hands. "That's fantastic," he responds: "Now let me ask you one more question. Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"
Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses, and says: "Son, in all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You need to come up here and tell us about your experience."
The big redneck nods his head and walks to the podium.
"So, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost," the professor says.
"Ghost?" Bubba replies" "From way back there I thought you said 'Goats!'" Ryan Murphy

Sunday

Joke
N°
4768

Silver Teapot
Bubba was fixing a door and found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife, Mary Louise, to the hardware store. At the hardware store, Mary Louise saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Bob to finish waiting on a customer. When Bob was finished, Mary Louise inquired about the cost of the teapot.
"The teapot is silver and costs $100," Bob informed her.
"My goodness, that sure is a lot of money," Mary Louise exclaimed. She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Bubba had sent her to buy, and Bob went to the backroom to find a hinge. From the backroom Bob yelled: "Mary Louise, you wanna screw for that hinge?”
"No," Mary Louise replied: "but I will for the teapot." Ryan Murphy