(Closed) 30 something frist time parents….advice

Ok…I go back and forth on this issue. So here is what I”d like to know. If you were over 30 when you had your first child, what was it like? Do you regret having children? Was it hard to adjust to having a child to care for after 10 plus years of taking care of yourself and being on your own doing your own thing? I sometimes want children, but I’m scared that I will regret having to come home and take care of them every night. I do enjoy my quite time but I feel like I might be missing out on something better. Any advice on how to get over the fear?

I’m afraid I don’t have any first hand experience but I noticed no one has responded so I thought I’d offer what another woman advised me.

For about two years while I was a student I lived with a couple in their early 30s, and in my 2nd year with them they had their first child. I distinctly remember being in the kitchen one afternoon, and she telling me she was very happy she waited until her 30s to have kids and she advised me to do the same. They had their 2nd child about a year ago so obviously its worked out for them. Not that there is anything wrong with having children younger of course, but it seems to me people seem to be pleased with their decisions to have children and whatever time seems right for them and that there is no perfect time.

I’ll let you know after I have her in a few months. 🙂 Honestly, I’m 38 and this will be my first. I had some time where I was concerned about being too “set in my ways” or having my life change so dramatically. Even though I had always wanted kids, the older I got and the more I loved my life, the more I began to doubt myself. Would I be a good mom, would I like it, would I resent it, will I be able to do it at 38 or older? These are all valid thoughts and concerns. I did a lot of thinking and decided that I owed it to myself to try for my baby because I didn’t want to get a few years down the road and regret not trying. I cannot get those lost years back. When we got pregnant, it was definitely nervewracking and sometimes it seems very surreal. As I get closer to delivery and see other babies, I realize all my fears were for nothing. I swear something seriously kicks in thanks to Mother Nature and I know my love for this child will be unlike anything else – it already is. My heart is filled with so much love already its hard to believe. While the thought of having to work all day and then come home and take care of a house, baby, etc is not fun, I know already that seeing her and taking care of her will be the best part of my day. It’s a hard decision to make and I commend you for being honest and giving it a lot of thought. I truly believe if you decide to take the leap of faith (which I totally think it is), that you will be fine.

I will be 35 next week, and just got married late last year. My husband and I are worried about the exact same thing. We just booked a big trip for this summer and won’t start TTC after we get back from the trip, so I still have some time. But I am extremely worried about this transition.

I also don’t have kids, but I am turning 31 soon and it’s something I think about quite a bit (we are “on the fence” about kids but I would like to make a choice within the next few years for health reasons). I will say that everyone I know who has had children in their 30’s says they feel like they traded being more tired as parents for having more pre-kid life experiences, and most people are happy with this trade off. Regarding the regret/happiness thing once they have children…I know there is research showing parents are not as happy as non-parents until the kids leave home but in my observation this doesn’t seem like an accurate way to describe the difference. Parenting as a life choice certainly has it’s set of stressors. Parents are more tired (especially noticeable when the kids are babies and toddlers), they have different ups and downs, they have their children to worry about in addition to other things, but I think there is a particular joy to having children…maybe “happy” isn’t the right word for it but most parents I know do not regret having their kids (which isn’t to say they don’t get crazy stressed out and frustrated). Maybe part of this is physiological/biological like chrispygaltalked about in her post.

Edit: I do know one person who regrets having their child (intentionally using gender neutral pro-noun) although they do love their child deeply. It is absolutely tragic. The parent wouldn’t mind me explaining the circumstances (from an advocacy stance) but rather than post it on a public forum you can PM me if you want more specifics.

I don’t regret having her at 30! I am SO glad I had my 20s to do what I wanted, when I wanted and I plan to tell her to do the same thing. Live before having kids because no matter what people say, going back and doing things you could have done in your 20s, is not the same when they go off to college.( Not that you don’t live with kids, it’s a different kind of living.:))

I do not have any children just yet…. however, I am 32 and FI is 35 and we will be TTC very soon. There are a lot of times where I discuss my concerns about things changing and having to come home and have a baby to take care of among other things each day. However, being a mother is something that I have ALWAYS wanted so for me it will be worth the sacrifice. I agree with another poster….. I have done A LOT in my 20s…. completed grad school, traveled all over every single year– 2-3 times a year, great career and salary, lived in Hawaii or 6 months on a rotational assignment, I went to the clubs often in my 18-23 phase….etc…. I couldn’t ask for anything else… Same with my soon to be hubby, he played professional basketball all over Europe, completed his degree, good career, etc… This is definitely the next step for us and we are very excited and can’t wait.

A friend of mine was adament about not having kids… She is 36 but the condom broke when she and her partner were having sex….. she ended up getting pregnant and keeping the baby and now she is sooooo happy that she has a baby and wouldn’t have it any other way (not saying that this is or everyone or that everyone would have a happy ending)

I think your concerns are valid and you need to figure out if being a mom is something that is really important to you. I am sure that once you get pregnant and have your little one, you wont even remember this topic on the bee 😉 Good luck to you, I hope it all works out..

DH & I are both 35; married at 33 after 12 years together (10 living together; it’s important to my answer). DS is a honeymoon baby & was born 7 1/2 weeks early. While that may sound awful (and it was stressful for about 2 weeks while he was in the NICU), it was actually a blessing in disguise. For those 2 weeks, DS had 24 hour care by professionals & we learned first hand how to take care of a baby (neither DH nor I had ever before in our lives had to care for or babysit a LO younger than a toddler) & could actually start parenthood without being sleep deprived. Originally, we were told that DS would stay in the NICU until his expected due date, but he was such a fighter & he wanted to come home so badly that he proved his strength to his doctors very quickly & we were able to come home as a family after only 2 weeks.

Then came 12 weeks of sleep deprivation & stress over BFing (but that’s a whole other thread)…however, once DS stopped needing to be fed every 2-3 hours, DH & I were able to to string together more than 4 hours of sleep at a time & things went REALLY well. What truly allowed that to work was the fact that DH & I had already hashed out any differences in living together in the 10 years we’d “practiced” married life before being married. Being a good team before kids come along REALLY helps keep the marriage happy, especially when emotions & hormones are out of whack from being sleep- & sex-deprived in those first 6-12 weeks. (It’s the memories of those 12 weeks that’s holding DH back from wanting to start on Baby #2 right now)

Now, after 14 months of parenthood, things are really easy (we are very lucky that DS is a super relaxed & happy boy). I’m glad we waited until our 30’s to have our kids…since we travelled the world, had our adult fun during & post college, & have set ourselves up financially (partly because we still rent until we have enough saved for our downpayment – 2 more years!), we have a lot less stress added to the natural concerns of being a parent of a very curious & energetic little boy. Being first time parents in our 30’s kinda ROCKS!

Granted, we have some concerns about Baby #2, now that I’m 35, but I’m not going to worry about it until I hear something negative from my OB/GYN…when I asked her at my post-delivery follow-up when we should start on Baby #2, she suggested in the next year or two…so we’ve got another 10 months to decide.

I don’t regret it (I was 32 when I had my first) but it certainly has changed my life – and my career. I am home now and do freelance work, when before I was very focused on my job and school. It’s a big change no matter when you do it, but for me it did take some time to adjust.