Monthly Archives: February 2015

I’ve told the story on this blog about “My journey of love,” which relates to the songs on the pages here that depict this journey, and the whole range of emotions which one feels at the beginning of a great romance and at the end, if unfortunately it has to come to an end.

Was the pursuit worth it? The saying “Tis better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all,” sums it up for me. I’ve begun to wonder, however, if love and romance can exist or last, in today’s world in which we live our lives through the internet. Here we can find everything with a click, including potential soul-mates.

Several of my friends have tried the dating sites, and a couple of them did end up getting married. Most, however, go on endless dates and never hear back from the men who they think “have potential.” And when they do go on more than one date, sex is expected right away and if they “give in,” the guy says, “I’ll call you” and never does. He’s not that in to you, as they say.

I watched a movie on TV last night, called “The Mother.” A woman’s husband dies after many years of marriage. She goes to visit her daughter and ends up having sex with the daughter’s married boyfriend, who is much younger than she is. She enjoys the sex, but knows that this will not lead to a long term relationship.

Then at the coaxing of her friends, she goes out with a man her own age, and they end up in bed that very night. The scene is enough to cure anyone of the desire to have “instant gratification sex.” It is a completely repulsive scene in which the only satisfied person is the man.

I believe that whether you are young, middle aged or old, everyone wants to find love. In today’s society, love and sex seem to be considered synonymous. It is my belief that they are not. In order to have great sex, you must first fall in love through a romance, in which you get to know each other’s dreams, desires, goals, likes, dislikes and when you have fallen in love, sex can be wonderful because you love the person’s soul, not only their body.

After my divorce from Danny, I waited eleven years before I got married again. I was finally happy and content. I had dated several men, but never was willing to make a commitment to marry.

I had not been awarded tenure at the university where I had been teaching Portuguese because I didn’t have a Doctorate, so I moved on, and did some modeling and voice-overs for TV and radio along with continuing with my singing. I joined the Tall Texans of Dallas Club and became Miss Tall Dallas and was 1st runner-up for Miss Tall International. I was sixteen years older than the winner who stood 6 feet tall. I was only 5’11”. It was a fun year because I got to make TV appearances, do radio interviews and travel representing our Dallas Club.

I also became a flight attendant for a major airline, flying the Dallas-Rio de Janeiro route. After a year the route was discontinued due to cultural and political issues at the time. Being a flight attendant was tough, but I enjoyed our lay-overs in Rio where I had grown up.

Then I met a Brazilian man named Ivo, in Dallas. Since my upbringing was in Brazil, it seemed like he could be my “soul mate.” It made sense, our outlook on life was Brazilian and we only spoke Portuguese together. Plus, the attraction and feeling of excitement were instant. He was 6’4″ tall, a great dancer and very good looking. When we danced the samba and other Brazilian dances, the floor would clear and we became the show.

His parents lived in Brazil, up north in Recife. We got married before I met them. So, a few months later, we flew to Recife so I could meet them, his bother and sisters.

I had never been “up north” and did not realize how hot it was and there was no air conditioning, so inside, it could be very hot and muggy. The beaches were beautiful, however, and I had a great time getting to know this exciting city. We were there during Carnival and danced all night, three nights in a row, at the private club where my husband’s father was Manager.

So what could go wrong with this marriage? The “American” side of me would cause a culture clash.

One problem for me was that Ivo was very much under the control of his mother, and loved her more than anyone, including me and he let me know it. His mother would always be number one, and the wife, number two.

While we were there, his mother talked non-stop about all the beautiful women who were still in love with her son and it seemed like she didn’t think that I measured up in the “looks” category.

According to her, Ivo had broken many hearts, and she never thought that he would marry. I began to wish that I had taken my marriage certificate with me, so she would believe that we were married.

Then there was the issue of extreme jealousy and possessiveness on Ivo’s part. He imagined that his brother-in-law was going into the backyard to look in the window of our bedroom, when I was getting dressed or resting.

He also attacked a man in a Club, who dared to ask if I was “Xuxa,” a blond Brazilian star…a lot of people thought that I was in fact, her. This made me the center of attention when we went out, and Ivo worried about my safety. He and his brother were policemen, so they carried their guns to protect me. I was walking on eggs, trying not to make Ivo mad. If he thought that I had looked in the direction of another man, he would sulk for hours. This made the trip extremely unpleasant.

Once back in the U. S., this behavior continued and it was like I was his prisoner. He kept track of everywhere I went, even following me at times, and then accusing me of flirting with some guy.

Ivo was working non-stop, to be able to send an enormous amount of money to his mother, after his father died. True to Brazilian customs, the oldest son steps in to take care of the mother. Even though we were in the U. S. and she was in Brazil, our lives revolved around her. About a year and a half later, I decided that I could no longer live this way. After Ivo left for work, I put all his belongings in bags and left them at the front door with a note, saying: “Isto não está funcionando,” translation, “This is not working.”

I knew that this decision would be permanent, and that Ivo would never forgive me. It would injure his male pride, but, my American side had taken over. This finally ended my desire to ever get married again or find my soul-mate. I was making the wrong choices in men, and there seemed to be something about me that brought out the worst in them.

I have been unmarried for twenty years now. I went back to teach at the university where I had taught before, and restarted the Portuguese program that had fallen apart when I left years earlier.

Recently I retired and moved to a great city, where my Dad, sister and niece live. I bought a beautiful Townhome with views of the mountains and gorgeous sunsets. I have not dated at all and have found a peace within myself that can only be fulfilled by a deep trust in God. To quote a famous hymn, “It is well, it is well with my soul.”

Danny was my great love. The night we met, I was at a Club in Dallas where a Latin group, The Paranas, was playing. I would go there often and this night they invited me up on the stage to sing with them.

During one of the breaks an incredibly handsome man came to my table and asked if he could join me. I knew from that instant that sparks were going to fly…and boy did they! The chemistry was instant and I fell in love with him right then and there. He was a singer also and had an interesting background. He had almost made it big in Hollywood, and had performed as a weekly guest singer on the Arthur Godfrey Show.

Danny was 13 years older than me, and at the time of this show I was 7 years old and my family was moving to Brazil. I never did see the show, but I imagine that I would have had a big crush on him. From the pictures I’ve seen, he was “to die for!” He was an up and coming star, and was friends with Charlton Heston, Tony Bennett and many other stars of that era who were just starting out. Just as “his star” was rising in Hollywood, he became ill with walking pneumonia, and had to move away to a dry climate to recover. He lost his singing voice for several years along with his chance to become a big singing sensation.

His father had immigrated from Italy, and Danny had grown up in Chicago, where he had been a star basketball player in High School. His real name was Davy Matz. He didn’t go to college, instead went to Hollywood when his “voice” was discovered. His name was changed to Danny Martell. He had been described as a mix between Al Martino and Frank Sinatra. Once his chance at stardom had evaporated, he began selling encyclopedias door to door and eventually became one of the top Executives at Encyclopedia Britannica. He had been living and working in California and had recently moved to Dallas to become a Division Manager.

Back to the night club in Dallas. After the show, Danny walked me to my car, and strangely, his car was parked right next to mine. It was a black Cadillac Seville and inside was a German Sheppard named Coby. I have always been an animal lover, and knew that a guy who took his dog with him when he went out to a Club, would qualify as a very nice guy. The next night we had dinner together and our love affair began. I was still teaching at the university in Arlington, about 30 miles from Dallas, but at that time I was living in an apartment in Dallas. It was during the time that I was having to move constantly because of my ex-husband’s stalking. Danny lived in Highland Park, Dallas, in a home that he was renting. I told him about my situation and he became very protective of me and wanted me to stay with him so I would be safe. It was soon after this that Rich died, and Danny went with me to the strange funeral service on Halloween night.

With the burden of fear lifted from me, we had a wonderful time together, going to shows, out to romantic dinners, meeting with friends, travelling, it was a magic time. We would also sing together for our friends and in Clubs. One of our favorite songs was “If you go away.”

Each day I fell more in love with him and realized that I never wanted him to go away.

Danny had been married for about three years in California and had divorced before moving to Dallas. He had a son who was one year old who lived with his ex-wife in California. I soon found out that Danny was obsessed with getting custody of his baby son. He wanted him to come live with us. Danny travelled back and forth to California a lot to see his son and to deal with legal matters. He would be extremely depressed each time he returned from his trips and sometimes wouldn’t talk to me for a couple of days, and I would stay at my place. He was afraid that the mother of his child would get married again and he would lose him.

We had been planning to get married and had set the date. I had moved most of my belongings into his house, but still had kept my apartment. After one trip, Danny asked me if it would be OK if Jay came to live with us as soon as we got married. I had just started a new semester at school, and I thought that we should wait a few months until summer, so I wouldn’t be teaching and we could both adjust to having a one year old baby. This was the wrong answer, and the next day Danny called a moving company and had my things moved back to my apartment. Our marriage was off.

I’ll never forget sitting in my apartment surrounded by boxes, alone once again.

To avoid getting hurt over and over, I should have never taken him back when he called saying how much he missed me, a couple of weeks later.

We did get married, his son came to live with us, but it was not happily ever after. Danny would leave me and Jay alone, sometimes for a week or more, and we would never know where he was. Then he would appear, crying, promising he’d never leave us again.

Then one day he asked for a divorce. He said that his ex-wife had agreed to give him full custody of his son, if he divorced me and then he added: – “He needs me more than you do.” This was the last straw for me and I moved out. It was so hard, especially since Jay and I had grown really close and I loved him as if he were my own. He was a sweet and beautiful child, and I worried about his upbringing.

He was always aware when Danny was in one of his moods, and wasn’t talking to me. He’d say, “Poppa, say hello to Sondra.” Danny would call me Sondra when he was mad at me.

The rest of the story is very similar to my other relationships. Once I was gone, he wanted me back, and tried everything, including counseling. The counselor could see that my trust in him was gone, and that I wanted out of the marriage. He eventually did get custody of Jay, and they apparently had a great relationship, until Danny died in 2009. The son became a famous commentator and writer. He is seen on television all the time.

Several years ago, I ran into a woman who had worked with Danny at Encyclopedia Britannica. She said, -“So you were the one married to the famous gambler!” I didn’t know what she was talking about. She said that he was well known in Las Vegas and Palm Springs. Apparently all the trips that he was taking while we were married were to gamble. He was completely broke when we divorced, but I thought it was from all the legal bills involving custody of Jay.

I saw the tribute that Jay put up on You Tube when Danny died. All the pictures made me very sad for what could have been. He remained a very handsome man until the end. Everyone had believed that we were meant to be together and we looked like the perfect couple. I had loved him with all my heart and deep down I still do.

“If you go away as I know you must, they’ll be nothing left in this world to trust, just an empty chair full of empty space, like the empty look I see on your face…” if you go away…if you go away…”

2. A quality or feeling of mystery, excitement, and remoteness from everyday life.

No matter how it is defined, it is hard to maintain in a relationship that lasts for a long time. I have not achieved this in my life and it is my belief that few people ever experience the kind of love and romance that can only be lived with one’s soul mate.

The Diane Sawyer and Mike Nichols story seems to be an example of a romance that lasted for years, and demonstrates that it is never too late.

Nichols had been married and divorced 3 times and had 3 grown children. Of his love for Diane, he stated: “I had loved other women before, but not like this.”

“I knew before he spoke, I knew before he was walking across the room … I knew something was happening. – Diane recalled in an interview. Nichols and Sawyer married on Martha’s Vineyard on April 29, 1988 – and ever after were one of New York’s reigning power couples, as well as most private, even to one another, it seems.

“I think one of the romantic things is simply the way he reaches for my hand all the time. We rarely fight, and I remember once when we were arguing he stopped in the middle of it and said, ‘Well, this is sort of fun, too.’ And it was! ” – said Diane. About Diane, Nichols explained, “She is the kindest, smartest, most beautiful woman I’ve known. I love her entirely.”

Sawyer once summed up her husband to PEOPLE: “He’s generous and adventurous and a little wild and utterly kind. It’s that combination of something you’re completely sure of and something dangerous and interesting. And he’s also the funniest man on the face of the earth.”

After Rich’s death I felt very sad and even guilty. I kept having memories of a day when Rich and I had gone out to the lake and I had decided to go in the water for a swim. After a few minutes, I realized that the boat was pretty far away, and I called to Rich to bring the boat around so that I could get out of the water. I was starting to feel cold.

Rich began speeding towards me and I thought that he was going to run over me. He would swerve at the last moment and I would get drenched from the waves the boat would create. He did this several times and I was afraid that I was drowning. Finally he let me on the boat and said I looked like a drowned rat. I screamed at him, “I hope you drown in this lake someday.” That was the lake in which he drowned several years later. I had dreams about this event many times. It was if I was drowning in memories.

I also wondered what had actually happened. The newspapers said that there was a guy with him on the sailboat who saw him fall overboard. He had tried to throw a life saver to him, but he couldn’t get close enough and had lost control of the boat.

He said he saw Rich disappear under the waves. With time these nightmares went away. But I couldn’t help but think that I had somehow predicted his death.

Rich had two step brothers who inherited all of his wealth. He also had a half sister, whom he hated, who got nothing and started an investigation into Rich’s will. One day I got a phone call from a lawyer, who asked if I was Rich’s ex-wife. I confirmed that I was, and he said that Rich had left me $20,000. On his life insurance policy he had not changed the beneficiary form from me to his half brothers, and the money had been paid to them in error.

Now they were trying to correct the mistake and said they would send me a check. I was able to put a down payment to buy a beautiful Condominium by a golf course which was close to the university where I was teaching and pay off my car.

I’ll never know whether Rich intended this or not, but out of the terrible tragedy of our misguided marriage came a real blessing at a time when I really needed it. It reminds me of the following quote:

Little did I know, flying back from Paris, that I was about to enter the worst time of my life. After I arrived in Dallas, Rich and I went to lunch. He poured his heart out and said that we should get married right away. My leaving had made him think about the fact that he almost lost me and he never wanted that to happen again. He said that his jealousy and temper had been because he could never be sure that I belonged to him. Marriage would change that because he would no longer be insecure about our love.

My mother was not happy about this plan and wanted us to wait. She knew that I wasn’t completely over Steve. I had received a post card from Switzerland from Suzy. She and Steve were spending a week there in the mountains, skiing. At the end of the card, Steve signed his name and said “hello.” I cried for hours – that was supposed to have been my honeymoon. I wondered if I had made a horrible mistake by leaving Steve.

Rich, however, was on his most charming behavior and I became convinced that I had made the right decision. He bought a beautiful quadruplex as an investment. We would live in one of the apartments and he would lease the others. He put me in charge of decorating and the budget was unlimited. He also bought a boat so that we could go skiing at the lake, which we loved to do when we first met.

I gave in and agreed to get married right away. We had a small ceremony at the church where my parents and I were members. I started the decorating project, Rich was painting the outside of the building, and for a few weeks we were extremely happy. One day I was helping him paint the banisters on the porch upstairs and suddenly he started screaming at me saying that I couldn’t do anything right. The criticisms began again, and his mood swings got really bad. I never knew when he would blow up. I became very afraid of him.

One night when he was supposedly away on a trip, I woke up and there was the shadow of a man standing over the bed. I was terrified! Rich had returned, thinking that he would catch me in bed with someone. I didn’t want to tell my mother, her cancer had come back, and she was dying. I had to sneak visits with her when Rich was on trips for his job. My father and I had never been close and I had no one to help me.

Mom died on the 23rd of February. My life took a downward spin, I didn’t care what happened anymore and I started drinking with Rich. This seemed to make him happy. One of his criticisms was that I didn’t drink and that I was “no fun.” The alcohol made my life bearable, I thought. It also kept me from feeling the pain of losing my beloved mother and friend. However, I started having black-outs and would wake up in the morning with bruises, and one time when I was having a doctor’s check up, she asked me if I had been raped.

I finally came out of the daze and decided to enroll at the University to get my teacher’s certificate. I had a Master’s but to teach in High School the certificate was needed. I taught in High School for two years when Walton and I were married but with an emergency certificate. I had never completed all the courses needed.

This decision changed the course of my life because I was no longer held captive by Rich. One of my teachers could sense that something was terribly wrong, and I was able to tell him about my predicament. He recommended that I see Jerry, a friend of his who was a counselor. Rich did not like this idea and would not go with me. One day during a counseling session Rich crashed the session, and told my counselor that he needed to fix this Brazilian wife of his. He sat there and told Jerry about everything that was wrong with me. Jerry tried to reason with him.

He then started yelling and accused us of having an affair. Jerry had already figured out that Rich was dangerous but this encounter confirmed his belief. He told me that I needed to find a way to leave my husband. I didn’t know how to accomplish this and didn’t want a second divorce. I blamed myself for not being able to make Rich happy. What was wrong with me? Why was I always walking on eggs trying to please him and failing? Jerry tried to help me figure out what my problem was.

He said that due to my upbringing in Brazil, with my parents as missionaries, I had the desire to help others. Instead of picking the “prince” to marry, I was choosing the “frog” and trying turn him into the prince through my love.

While I was taking classes for my teacher’s certificate, I found out that Portuguese was taught at the University, but had very few students. I had started a successful program at the University where I earned my Masters in Portuguese and Spanish. I set up an interview with the Chair of the Language Department and told him about my experience at the former University. I asked him to give me a one year appointment so I could prove that I could get students into the program. He did, and I delivered on my promise. A year later I was offered a full-time position teaching Portuguese and Spanish.

I was in love with my job and Rich had bought another property, this time a duplex and we moved into one of the two units. It was really beautiful. Rich was travelling a lot now so at least during those times I got a break from his temper.

I made friends with another teacher, Kent, who was engaged to a girl in Brazil. When Rich was out of town, we would spend a lot of time together. We were just friends but I needed a close friend who would watch after me.

One night, Rich was gone on a trip, and I was recovering from a tonsillectomy. Kent was worried about my being alone at the new place and said that he would call that evening. Suddenly around 7 p.m. the door flew open and Rich was standing there. I knew Kent was going to call, so when Rich went out to walk the dog, I picked up the phone to call Kent and tell him my husband was home. Rich saw me through the window and stormed in. I instinctively hung up the phone which made me look guilty. I thought Rich was going to kill me he was in such a rage.

Thankfully he called my father and told him to come and pick up his “whore of a daughter.” Dad told him not to lay a finger on me and that he would be right over. That was the end of the marriage. Dad insisted that I file for a divorce and two months later it was over. I left with only my belongings and the divorce was simple. However I was not rid of Rich.

The stalking began and I had to move each time that he would find me. Dad and I knew where to put each box in the car and get out fast. I believed that one day Rich would kill me. Then I heard the news that Rich had gone sailing in rough waters and fallen off the boat. There was a search going on for his body. Amazingly, a week later a friend of mine was out on the lake with her boyfriend and they saw a body floating in the water. It turned out to be Rich.

A service with a closed coffin was held on Halloween night. There were only a couple of people there, and I had the feeling that Rich was going to appear, laughing at us, and that they had found the wrong body. It was a very strange and eerie night which I will never forget.

When we landed in Paris, it took forever to get through customs, and it was about two hours before I finally saw Steve. I was shocked at first glance. It had been several years since I had seen him, and my memory of him didn’t exactly coincide with the man standing there. He was very excited to see me, and the initial disappointment dissipated quickly as we reminisced about our times together on our way to his apartment.

I had to pinch myself, I was in Paris and couldn’t wait to see this “city of love.” It was rainy and cold. The traffic was terrible, everybody was honking angrily and you could barely see two feet in front of you due to the thick fog.

Once at his building, which was ancient, we took an old elevator to his floor. I was pleased to see that his apartment was very nice and beautifully decorated.

We sipped coffee, ate some delicious pastries and talked for several hours. Then he had to go to the office. He said he would be back around 7 p.m. and we would go out for dinner. It was about 9 p.m. by the time we got to the restaurant.

Steve ordered pigs feet for both of us, a delicacy, he said. The portions were very small and there was no meat on the pig’s feet. Steve said that you had to suck on them to get the juices and the meat off the bone. I was starving when we left the restaurant.

The next morning Steve was off to the office, and I spent the day sightseeing. I was glad that I had taken my heavy coat since it was still cold and misty.

During my three months in Paris, there was no such thing as a sunny day. I spent the days sightseeing alone while Steve worked. I spent a whole day at La Louvre. It was breathtaking and I saw the “Mona Lisa!”

One day a funny thing happened. I got off of the Metro in an area that looked rather interesting. I was in my faux fur coat and had high boots on. An oriental man started following me and saying: “We be friends?” I would look at him and smile…but couldn’t understand the rest of what he was saying. When I got back to the Metro, I was told that I had been in the “Red Light District.”

At night Steve and I went to UNESCO functions, to the symphony, opera, out to dinner and shows. I signed up for French lessons at La Sorbonne. Because of my Portuguese and Spanish, I was picking French up pretty easily.

Steve introduced me to a girl named Suzy, and she was along many times when we would go out. Also, she and I spent time together and I became aware that she and Steve had been more than “just friends” and that she was still very much in love with him. Steve kept postponing our marriage, and Rich had started writing to me. He had gotten my address from my parents. They took pity on him when he went to them, literally crying, and apologized for the way he had treated me.

His letters were very sweet and loving and he seemed like the man that I had fallen in love with.

I broke the news to Steve that I would be going home to Texas. This was the only time that I had ever seen him show emotion. In tears he said, “Darrling, I was about to propose.” I didn’t believe him, and knew that Suzy would be there to console him. Suzy went with us to the airport. So, I waved goodbye to them and the city of love.

Over the years I saw Steve a couple more times. He had not married and had returned to St. Louis to resume his teaching position. He also published many books on Law and Sociology.

I was once crazy in love with him and wanted us to be married. Unfortunately that magic moment passed us by. Who knows how it could have been? Steve claimed that he had always loved me and regretted that we had not gotten married in Paris. He told me once that he had waited at the airport for two hours, thinking that I would walk through the gates back into his arms, never having boarded the plane.

Recently I saw online that he had died of lung cancer. This was a man whom I had loved deeply and the news was very sad. The memories will always be with me of the great relationship that we had for a time.

After my divorce from Walton, Steve, from the blog “My first romance,” came back into my life. Our romance continued – we went to Operas, the Symphony, had picnics, took short trips with the top down in his beloved Jaguar, went dancing…many romantic adventures. There was one problem with Steve. He was a womanizer and never planned to marry.

I finished my Masters, and at that time my parents moved back to the U.S. from Brazil because my mother had been diagnosed with breast cancer. They moved to Dallas, for treatment at Baylor Medical. I decided to move to Texas to be with her. Steve got a job with UNESCO in Paris. He said he would write, but I didn’t expect to hear from him again.

It was extremely painful to lose him, since he was the man of my dreams, so I thought at the time. In Dallas, my sister introduced me to Rich. At the beginning of our courtship things were wonderful. After Steve, it was great to have a man who really loved me and was not interested in dating other women. We spent all our time together from the beginning. Then his devoted love started turning into little criticisms – there was no pleasing him.

My mother’s cancer treatment was excruciating with the chemotherapy, she had a double mastectomy…it was the saddest time of my life to see my beautiful mother suffering and withering away. I wanted to spend time with her, but Rich was jealous of my family or friends. I had to limit my time with her to when he was out of town.

Then I got a letter from Paris. It was Steve, and he wanted me to move there and asked me to marry him. I couldn’t believe it! My mother wanted me to get away from Rich, and encouraged me to go, to at least find out if I still loved Steve.

I excitedly boarded a plane for Paris and was on pins and needles all the way. I was thrilled that I would see my former love again and he had plans for us to travel through Europe on our honeymoon. This was so romantic…it seemed that all my dreams were coming true.

After Albert I didn’t date until my Senior year when I met Walton. He was a popular guy on campus, a Junior, president of the Student Body and one of the top swimmers on the swimming team. He thought I was a Freshman when he asked me out.

On our first date he asked how I liked my Freshman class. I told him that I wasn’t a Freshman. He continued…Sophomore? Junior? By the time he got to Senior, he could barely breathe. After that he stumbled and fumbled his way through the date and at the end of the date he slammed the car door on his finger.

I felt no chemistry between us but decided to give him another chance…and after a few dates I was Walt’s girl and no one else would ask me out. We became good friends and since I was still on the rebound from Albert, it was a relief not to feel any romance between us. I began to think that this was how things were meant to be. I knew that Walton could never hurt me the way Albert had.

I didn’t have anyone to discuss this with, my family was in Brazil and unfortunately I had no close friendships with other girls. It was difficult to “fit in” since I was considered the “foreigner.” I was more Brazilian than American due to my upbringing in Brazil.

I graduated a year earlier than Walton, and took a job teaching Spanish in High School. Walton wanted to go to Medical School, but didn’t pass the Exams so he enrolled in graduate school to stay out of the draft. At this point, everyone expected us to get married. Walton popped the marriage question and I said “yes.”

My mother came back from Brazil for the wedding. The night before, sensing that I was not “in love” with my bridegroom, she tried to convince me that it was not too late to back out of this marriage. I did love Walton and felt sure that he was very much in love with me. This gave me a sense of security knowing that I could never be hurt again.

Our honeymoon night was a disaster. I won’t go into details, but there was no romance or sex! Walton was unable to “perform” and ended up crying in my arms.

I didn’t believe in divorce so I decided that friendship and a quiet love was good enough and one day I might fall in love with my husband. Walton got into Dental School and I was awarded a teaching scholarship to work on my Masters while teaching Spanish and Portuguese so we both stayed busy.

However, our sex life never improved and it was frustrating to have a husband who wanted me so much but couldn’t perform in the marriage bed. I got tired of the crying and tantrums and having to console him.

During this time I met Steve, from my blog “My first Romance” and fell deeply in love with him. Even though he wanted me to leave Walton, I stayed in the marriage because a divorce would be very disappointing to my family. I stopped seeing Steve and decided to try to salvage my four and a half year marriage.

It was recommended that Walton and I see the famous Masters and Johnson sex counselors, but all they could come up with, was that my husband had put me on a pedestal and loved me so much, that he feared not being able to please me sexually and this caused his impotency.

There didn’t seem to be any solution for our problems and at this point I had no feelings for Walton, just pity and even disdain. It wasn’t fair to him to go on. He was really a nice guy who I loved like a brother.

My first love story was during my sophomore year in college. I had returned from Brazil, where I had spent my youth from the ages of 7 – 18. I had not been allowed to date since my father was very strict and protective. I was 19 and had never been kissed.

I had an enormous crush on a male cheerleader, Daniel, who had grown up in Brazil also. He was a Senior and all the girls had crushes on him. It was clear that he had no interest in this shy Sophomore girl, even though we had known each other in Brazil. I had also known his older brother, Albert, who had already graduated from the same college.

Suddenly the dashing Albert appeared on campus to visit his brother, and to meet me. According to him, Daniel had spoken highly of me. The three of us went everywhere together, but a relationship began between me and Albert. He had fallen head over heals for me and was extremely persuasive with his romantic gestures and his KISSES. Wow!!!

That summer the three of us travelled to Brazil to visit our families, who still lived there, but in different cities. My romance with Albert continued to grow through romantic love letters and when he came to stay with my family. We became engaged and planned to get married.

My sister, four years younger, had blossomed into a lovely young woman. She and Albert began spending a lot of time together, taking hikes and talking in the backyard.

By the time Albert left to go back to his city, I was deeply hurt. Then one day during the noon meal, a letter came for my sister. She looked at it and ran into her room, excitedly saying it was from Albert. I had not heard from him at all. Of course I broke our engagement.

I left to go back to college, devastated. My first and only love was gone from my life. Then I began to receive love letters from Albert. He wrote beautiful letters, apologizing and declaring his love. He wanted to schedule our wedding. I had lost all trust in him and even though I still loved him, I didn’t want to get hurt again. He finally got the message and stopped writing.

One day I was walking back to campus from a shopping trip downtown. Daniel was driving by and saw me. He stopped to give me a lift. It was my birthday, and Daniel gave me the news that Albert was getting married on that very day.

I still remember the deep depression that took over my entire being. After several marriages and divorces on both of our parts, many years later Albert found me and proposed again saying that he had never stopped loving me. We spent time together and even though I tried to fall back in love, it was too late.

I still wonder until this day, how my life would have been with him. I know that we would have had a romantic life, traveling, and we shared a deep love for Brazil. We both ended up teaching Portuguese and Spanish at different universities.

I’ve lost track of him now, but still deep in my heart I will always love my first love.