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Saturday, April 01, 2006

Personal Notes to Laura: April - June 2006

Visit this section to view personal notes and expressions to Laura made from April 2006 through June 2006.

190 Comments:

First, the love is still flowing your way, with healing energy, and hope!

Happy April! April showers bring May flowers... and it is raining here appropriately.

Wondering if you leveraged your situation today to do any really good/bad April Fool's jokes. My husband got me good. I was heading out to workout and he said "Hey Melis... you probably shouldn't be going to exercise class, I just had blood in my urine...". Well, my heart sunk. He had very bad hemorrhagic cystitis in 2004, and he's had a few bleeds lately. He said, "Yeah, I was trying to spell something out". It was "April Fool's!". Well, after I swatted him and called him an idiot, I went and pulled something similar on my 13 year old daughter... "Hey Kels, the good news is that you don't have to get up to go to breakfast with your dad. The bad news is that he had blood in his urine, and I need to take him to the doctor..."

So, we're at a point where these things have become a laughing matter, whenever possible! As Dan says, "If I couldn't laugh, I'd probably be crying half the time!". I would love to hear some of your not so funny/funny moments...

After reading your latest post on the blog, I recognize the absurdity of waiting for a right time or some future opportune moment to include you in an awakening that’s occurred for me, one that was sparked by my absolute love for you.

I’ve suddenly come face to face with my terror of intimacy and this meeting came about from a few experiences where I didn’t reach out to you in the way that I wanted to, in the way that my heart was guiding me to.

Distance has been an active and conscious choice for me in life – I’ve liked the feeling of safety in it but that’s changed recently. A lot of things have changed for me recently but this seems to be the heart of it all.

Whatever I was afraid of in life, in reaching out to others, in intimate connection, seems gone now and being in this open river feels easy and natural and undeniable. Of course, I’m 5 miles away from you, at my house plunking on computer keys but this is where I start.

I'm noticing that even though it's been a couple of days since your last post, there hasn't been much of a response. You have put out there something that is "hard to be with". Your openness and vulnerability is certainly bringing new learning into my life. I want you to know that I care so much about you and all that you are going through right now. I also want you to know that I feel that I can be with this. I am only about 45 minutes away. If you need extra physical or emotional support, say the word. I'll be there. I find myself wanting to respect your privacy. And maybe what you want or need is more---more of all of us. While I can't speak for others, you can have more of me.

Hi Laura, I just read your last entry and wanted you to know how much I continue to gain from reading your entries. I see it doesn't matter where you are, you are leader, a teacher, a friend and the most amazingly honest person that I have ever met. So, even though it has been over a year since you last led a class I was lucky enough to participate in, you continue to lead and guide and inspire. Thank you, thank you, thank you...May you be receiving as much support and love as you continue to give. Stacy Gorin

Hi Laura, WOW...a powerful post from you. We are all so blessed to be on the journey with you....and Laura, we are on this with you.... I just got a call from Tommy who is coughing up blood again and I'm reminded of how truly precious this life is for each of us and that it is so easy to take life (and healthy days) for granted...and so I REALLY loved your reminder at the end...what would our world be like if we all became more concious of the cycle of giving and receiving love and support intentionally....I get jazzed at the thought. ...so THANK YOU for putting it front and center for me once again....and lots and lots of healing prayer energy is coming your way. Love ya!

Anyway, that was my song to you today ... so when you see clouds upon the hill, you only see clouds of daffodils.... so I am sending you violets and daffodils and tulips ... as we will see these all whenever the sun starts shining again... HOORAY..

Happy April, maybe it is just Aprils Fools that we are getting so much rain. You have been on my mind this week, so I called you today and heard that you were with your Tribe. How wonderful, I am imagining that you are feeling better and getting lots of love and support where you are right at this moment.

I read your Blog and I am so sorry that you have to go through all of this stuff. I really hear the frustration and I am so glad you feel safe enough to share your vulnerability with us. No matter what you say it is coming from your heart and I meet you whenever you are and that feels wonderful and powerful to have you include me in your conversation. It is a wonderful intimacy of sharing and caring. Who says vitual cannot be intimate. You made it so with every word you speak ... it helps me to know you better and for that I am glad.

So Happy Tuesday Laura, I hope you are enjoying the week with your Tribe and really having a hell of a good time.

Laura,I am so drawn to your blog and appreciate so much this opportunity to be a part of you and what is going on with you. It also lets me know some of your friends and their expressions from the heart are wonderful to see. The network is here to hold you when you feel weak, tired, fearful, hurting, and to jump and clap when you are happy or excited .....it benefits you, it benefits us. There are so many things to see and enjoy on the internet, but to me, coming here is my choice above the others and it makes them seem so trivial. Whether we come and find dark clouds or sunshine and flowers, it is real and all very important. Praying for you, for rest, healing, answers from insurance and just a smooth flow of things the rest of this week.Love, Emily

Hello Laura, this is anna sending all her love and prayers to you. You are in my thoughts and I am praying for you everyday that the GOOD LORD will protect you always and let you live well and live good. Anna Leong, Singapore now in Jakarta running a workshop.

Laura, Through your journey there is a phenomenal strength that never leaves you, or us, in your writings. The force of YOU is always in your blog. This soul strength doesn't fade one bit, it remains incredibly fierce.

Meanwhile, I'm sending a poem that I've liked for a long time. Maybe you'll like it, too...

SummonsKeep me from going to sleep too soonOr if I go to sleep too soonCome wake me up. Come any hourOf night. Come whistling up the roadStomp on the porch. Bang on the door.Make me get out of bed and comeAnd let you in and light a lightTell me the northern lights are onAnd make me look. Or tell me clouds Are doing something to the moon They never did before, and show me.See that I see. Talk to me tillI'm half a wide awake as youAnd start to dress wondering whyI ever went to bed at all.Tell me the walking is superb.Not only tell me but persuade me.You know I'm not too hard persuaded.

Wow..sending you love and light and more love and the brightest white light ever. I keep sending the cancer down into the earth where it will hurt no one...and then filling up with light. I have you in my thoughts alot these days and wish you health and peace. I look forward to seeing you on Saturday. I love you...you are strong, your spirit is strong..thank you for keeping the faith. Your words move and inspire me.Again...sending you love and more love and the brightest white light ever..See you on Saturday.

Barry Manilow in my head... what's up with that?! Although I do think it's a pretty song...

Just checking in on one of my favorite people. I have two friends going through stem cell transplants, so I check on the three of you regularly. So glad to "hear" Peg and Anna, and Stacy, and alumni IBM'er Shekinah. Ooh - Peg's an alum now too! What an IBM following you have developed!

We are getting ready for a week of living well in Myrtle Beach - it's spring break in Central NY schools! We will be joining the throngs of CNY'ers heading south in pursuit of warmth and sun and sand. I'll be checking in from there too, so please keep us "in the loop". We come looking for news, any news, and to "hear" your voice.

You are in my thoughts a great deal of late. As always reading your posts brings up memories that are never far from the surface. And today on a sunny morning with stacks of things to do it is more important to reach out and make some connections.

In fact - (dare I say this out loud I wonder? (remembering talking to you in the sunshine on the deck at the Mother Tree barely six weeks ago)) it makes me think of that Bigger Game thing.

I went to be one night a couple weeks ago with the thought of how isolatation leads to pain and fear and how a letter from a friend has the power to change that. And I was remembering how penpal friendships were so precious. How they developed intimate relationships that were non threatening, where thoughts and feelings could be shared openly. And distance and walls of ignorance broke down through through the connection. How cultures and places came alive that before had only existed only in an atlas and in National Geographic or through the news etc.

I woke up the next morning thinking this: we are all women together, everywhere and it is about time we connected. No woman should feel isolated and alone.

The project is about connecting women of different cultures, races, religions, of different status, opportunities and freedoms through letters, blogs, email -I'm thinking of a sort of penpal type system where individual women or small groups or communities of women communicate with another regularly over an extended period of time. Sharing personal stories of what it is like for them; being a woman, raising children, getting an education, finding jobs, being active in their community, speaking up for what they believe in, spending time with friends... in different cultures etc. around the globe. The idea is creating bridges through friendships and caring to cross the gaps caused by fear, judgement and isolation.

I have no idea how exactly this would look, no idea of how the language issue could be worked out, no idea where to look for communities in other places to take part, or of any of the other obstacles that might come up, and - so what - I guess that is what makes it fun. What I am thinking of is trying it with a small group of my friends as soon as I find women from other cultures who might be interested in pairing with us. I am thinking monthly communication, particularly if it is by handwritten letter. And, after I have a starting point facilitating this in some form through all parts of the world.

Here are some sites that are some inspiration for me, the first is the one I was reading the night before i woke up in the morning: http://riverbendblog.blogspot.com http://www.friendswithoutborders.org/index.htm http://www.womenforwomen.org/scspnstr.html#OneSSand your blog here as well

I've been thinking of you, Laura, missing you and hungry to get back to my computer after several days away... Thank you, Laura, for reaching out and touching. Your shakes and bakes sound like a major seismic episode. May it be your system fighting those c cells out of your system. Go warrior cells, go!

I went to a three day workshop with Sam, Ken Mossman and their two great partners in their Maculine -Feminine/Third way workshop. You would have been intriuged and proud, I think.They are tapping into something powerful and positive....One of the women leaders reminded me of you. A certain aliveness, edgy loving, energetic demanding that we get going...A poignant reminder of your intense unique spirit and bold faced love. I'm missing you. So grateful for your blog.Know that as you reach out and touch, and ask to be met, we are fed, I am fed. Our yearning is met. I feel washed in a rich blend of feelings ranging from "Man the torpedoes!Damn those c cells -- leave that woman alone!!!" to tender ache to "yeah, girl, you tell them!" pride at all that you're doing and shouldering. I just love you and the gutsy way that you continue to meet your days, even when they are shake and bakes....I'll be thinking of you and sending you cool breezes when you're hot and hot waves of light when you're chilled....Much love for you and Judy and all those who love you and are traveling this path with you - -

I am at Mt. Hermon at a Writer's Conference and Retreat right down the street from Ben Lomond where we started the Council Guide training some months ago. I was thinking of you, and White Eagle, and Judy and the Council of Wolves (or whatever the tribe came to be called). Today is a lot like many days we had in ceremony, rainy, dripping, wet, and absolutely lovely in the redwoods here in the sort of Santa Cruz mountains.

I remember us being grouchy and uncomfortable during a good part of that time. I remember you coaching me after the Rainbow Lodge on the beach. I was stuck on an annoying person in my life and you kept asking me to find her right. I remember Judy offering me a glass of red wine at the end of the day and not knowing that we were breaking the rules. And I remember how honored I was when you said you could see and appreciate the INTJ because I was like you. I was so honored and still am.

Those are a few of the moments I hold dear around our friendship. Although they were some months ago, they are easily available in the quiet times of this retreat.

I am taking the kids, all four of them, skiing for spring break next week. I will once again connect with you when I return to find a time to connect in person.

I'm enjoying sitting here with you on this fine spring day, with Venus rubbing my legs and making bird sounds (she's one talented cat).

I just wrote and deleted about six versions of thoughts because they all felt like a bunch of significant hooey. (continuing the journey of letting go of the need to be profound or evolved, or whatever performance du jour)

Mostly, I want to say I love you and think of you all the time. I pray for you to be bathed in magic and miracles and the joy of living. I imagine you laughing, and crying, and raging, and whatever else wants to be expressed from your soul and spirit. I imagine you finding peace and comfort when you need it most.

If I were there, I'd love to give you a foot rub with some delicious smelling lotion or some other form of tender nurturing you'd enjoy. We could be quiet or vie for queen extrovert status! I'll keep meeting you in meditation, which is how I connect with you often...so if your toes start to have weird tingles, it's probably just me.

I'm in your corner, Laura, in great company with a host of angels and companions who want so much for you.

Hello, Dear Laura - I'm here in the Big Apple enjoying life with my 6 yr old Nicole. I have some business in Armonk later in the week and decided to take a few days beforehand to show her the city. It's funny what a 6 yr old does for my psyche...she makes tired old sights appear shiny, magical and new again. She makes me tall and brave in what can be a very humbling city. She draws attention to how I spend most of my trips to NY (in my hotel room working on my computer) when there are so many wonderful things to enjoy just outside my hotel window. Despite the fact that I have been to New York many, many times, I am enjoying this trip as if it was my first!

I pray for similar adventures for you that are magical and, if even on the trodden path, are shiny and bright, like a new penny.

Hello Laura:It has been years since we have crossed paths in the physical world yet you are a daily influence in my life. I think of you and choose bigger and bolder as a result in everything that I do. I come here daily to see what you have to say because what you share is so valuable and alive and real and precious because it comes from you. The following made me think of you and wonder what you would say about your life passions.With love and a tender touch,AlexisThis is The Prologue to Bertrand Russell's Autobiography- He was an amazing philosopher and winner of the Nobel peace prize.

What I Have Lived ForThree passions, simple but overwhelmingly strong, have governed my life: the longing for love, the search for knowledge, and unbearable pity for the suffering of mankind.

These passions, like great winds, have blown me hither and thither, in a wayward course, over a great ocean of anguish, reaching to the very verge of despair. I have sought love, first, because it brings ecstasy - ecstasy so great that I would often have sacrificed all the rest of life for a few hours of this joy. I have sought it, next, because it relieves loneliness--that terrible loneliness in which one shivering consciousness looks over the rim of the world into the cold unfathomable lifeless abyss. I have sought it finally, because in the union of love I have seen, in a mystic miniature, the prefiguring vision of the heaven that saints and poets have imagined. This is what I sought, and though it might seem too good for human life, this is what--at last--I have found.

With equal passion I have sought knowledge. I have wished to understand the hearts of men. I have wished to know why the stars shine. And I have tried to apprehend the Pythagorean power by which number holds sway above the flux. A little of this, but not much, I have achieved.

Love and knowledge, so far as they were possible, led upward toward the heavens. But always pity brought me back to earth. Echoes of cries of pain reverberate in my heart. Children in famine, victims tortured by oppressors, helpless old people a burden to their sons, and the whole world of loneliness, poverty, and pain make a mockery of what human life should be. I long to alleviate this evil, but I cannot, and I too suffer.

This has been my life. I have found it worth living, and would gladly live it again if the chance were offered me.

Laura you have impacted the world and made positive change in an arena that even Bertrand Russell could not tackle! I wonder what would have been possible for him if he had crossed paths with you?

Laura: In reading the new book, "Resonant Leadership", I saw you. The chapter is on Mindfulness, the ability to be fully awake, alive and aware of what's going on in life moment by moment. If ever there was someone who models this quality it is you. While others like me step over, ignore, and just plain miss pieces of life, you remind us to savor every single second. Thank you and know that I always mention your name when the universe and I commune. I send you enormous love.

Laura,Hoping that the week is going well for you, at least it seems that your WBC must have improved enough to begin radiation treatments. Appreciated your sharing about Nancy and I know your touch to her was full of love, support and caring. It is sobering to realize just how fragile our existence can be and the importance of not putting off saying things that need to be said, or heard. So, thank you for setting the example. Looking forward to the sunshine of your smile next week. Love, Emily

What is left unsaid, great question to awaken to each day ... and then make it a point to tell someone something that you want to tell them.

So My Sweet Laura, I will start with you, I love you deeply, I love the way you love, the way you are moving in your life, the way you challenge yourself and others to be the very best they can in life. To say YES to Life, I honor who you are in the world and how you show up each and every day.

I honor your vunerlability and passion. I honor when you are sad, when you are joyful, all of these are a big part of who you are. I love each side of who you are .. and that you are letting us into those spaces where it is not that easy to go. I hear in your words on the BLOG how you care about each of us .. I cried at the love I saw that you have for Judla. Each of you are so very precious in my life, thank you for sharing your love with us ...

I am with you this week as you go into radiation and I think of you each day with lots of love and compassion for your Journey.

You are a Vision of Lovliness, when I saw you at Glide this Sunday, You looked Radiant. I love it when you let life course through you however it wants to show up.

So My Sweet Laura, those are just a few things I want to say to you at least for this moment in time...

May Your Week Unfold With Ease and Grace May You Be Healthy and Strong,May You Be Free From Pain and SufferingMay You Be Happy and ContentMay You Have Moments of Great Joy

Hi sweet Laura, I read this poem and thought of you…do you know you have a piece of my heart? It is yours and yours alone and will always be… Here is a lovely poem from my heart.

Have you Every Tried to Enter the Long Black Branches?

By Mary Oliver

Have you ever tried to enter the long black branches of other lives ¬—tried to imagine what the crisp fringes, full of honey, hangingfrom the branches of the young locust trees, in early summer, feel like?

Do you think this world is only an entertainment for you?

Never to enter the sea and notice the water divides with perfect courtesy, to let you in!Never to lie down with the grass, as though you were the grass!Never to leap to the air as you open your wings over the dark acorn of your heart!

No wonder we hear, in your mournful voice, the complaint that something is missing from your life!

Who can open the door who does not reach for the latch?

Who can travel the miles who does not put one foot in front of the other, all attentive to what presents itself continually?Who will behold the inner chamber who has not observed with admiration, even with rapture the outer stone?

Well, there is time left — fields everywhere invite you into them.

And who will care, who will chide you if you wander away from wherever you are, to look for your soul?

Quickly, then, get up, put on your coat, leave your desk!

To put one’s foot into the door of the grass, which is the mystery which is death as well as life, and not be afraid!

To set one’s foot in the door of death, and be overcome with amazement!

To sit down in front of the weeds, and imagine god the ten-fingered, sailing out of his house of straw,

nodding this way and that way, to the flowers of the present hour,

to the song falling out of the mockingbird’s pink mouth,

to the tiplets of the honeysuckle, that have opened in the night

To sit down, like a weed among weeds, and rustle in the wind!

~

Listen, are you breathing just a little, and calling it a life?

While the soul, after all, is only a window,and the opening of the window no more difficultthan the wakening from a little sleep.

~

Only last week I went out among the thorns and said to the wild roses:

I was sad to read about the passing of your friend, Nancy Sarah. It takes your breath away when someone is alive one moment and gone in the blink of an eye. And it can happen to any one of us ~ so live life well and fully alive!

Last week, I was at the Prism Award Breakfast put on by the Vancouver Chapter of the ICF. The Prism Award is given to a company that is nominated by their coach(es). They must show how coaching has impacted their business. CTI was one of the sponsors and when that was announced it was asked who was CTI trained - about 2/3 of the hands in the room went up. Anyway, at the end of the event I woman I did not know came up to me. She introduced herself and asked me how you were. Her name is Brenda Dahlie and someone had told her I had just been in Leadership with you and Henry leading. We spoke of you and your impact and the woman you are. She wanted to send her love so I am.

I am rambling and I want to say that you are an amazing woman and I honour and respect you so much. I think of you every day and am aware of the impact you have had on me and so many other people.

Having undergone radiation in 1971 for a keloid scar from a water skiing accident, reading your recent message brought back ancient memories...it seems none of the technology has changed in over 30 years...the big loud machine, the techinicians that scatter from the room like cockroaches when the lights go on...jeesh!

My thoughts are with you and my visualization of healing. Thanks to you, too, for the April ramblings that touched me deeply and revealed even more of your day-to-day process which aids me in sending love and clear visualization.

May you feel joy in the moments as they arise and may gratitude for all the wonders of your life fill your thoughts such that there is room for nothing more.

Laura,Thank you for the focus of your Apr 13 post. In no way was it whiney. You hit on something huge that definitely needs to be addressed. Perhaps your sharing will be a step towards eventually seeing improvements that you thought surely had already occurred (and rightly so!). I know in nursing improvements have been made with current discussions involving holistic nursing. It would be grand if that were shared with radiology. So how will change occur? Hmmm, I will start on it in my community, maybe others will do the same. You promised more sharing on this medical journey you are on and this was great. I know it is not easy for you to put these thoughts into written form so just want you to know it is greatly appreciated. The journey seems to me unimaginably....well, I just don't find words to do it justice....horrific is a start. You continue to amaze me. As for next week, voice or no, just seeing you will send me so high I may have difficulty getting back to earth! Can you tell I am a little excited?Love, Emily

I can't sleep tonite. Its 1:40 AM and I'm wide awake, checking in on your blog, looking for a new post. You've told me that I should speak when I have something to say. Here it is.

I relate to your experiences, somewhat, on the radiation. I say somewhat, because one can never fully imagine what it's like unless we've been there. When I accompanied my dad during his cancer struggle, the thought occurred to me that everyone was so......matter-of-fact. Of course, everyone was professional and yet, more was needed than professionalism. When my dad had radiation they were trying to kill a tumor that had grown the size of golf ball on his shoulder blade. He began with bladder cancer one and a half years prior to that. He had been complaining of shoulder pain for months, had gone to at least 4 different doctors. Not one doctor raised the possibility that the bladder cancer had mestatisized. Of course, knowing now what I did not know then, that would be the first thing to check. By the time the tumor was discovered, the cancer had grown so large and was out-of-control.

Why am I posting this? Because although I thought my dad was a fighter, I now realize that he never had a vision that he would be cancer free. He was so involved in the "fight" of cancer and it engulfed his every thought.

I learned about the "law of attraction" this past week. I'm not sure if its a new idea, but its new to me. If interested, (and you might already know about this), there's a video that you can down-load that's about 90 minutes long. The web-site is "thesecret.tv". It was very enlightening and very positive.

What about saying to yourself that the next Bigger Game workshop is another one and you intend to host another one after that? The law of attraction says that if you believe it will be your last public one, there's a good chance that it will be. Is that what you really want?

I know its easy for me to say that here in this place, relative to where you are, but I say it with a full heart and love for you. The world needs you Laura. We need all of you.

Hi Laura, My thoughts are calling health to you. I know you are fully engaged and wondering what the next steps taken will provide. We all are. May the beauty of this season arouse all of your senses and invigorate you and fill you with love.Bill B.

I did a reading for you just now. Doreen Virtue’s Fairies Oracle Cards. A friend I am working with today brought his cards with him – I’ve asked it for myself as well and it resonated very powerfully with me and so I thought of you love and I asked the cards - what does Laura need to do to beat this cancer and live a vibrant, healthy life?

I pulled the card called - Miracle Healing. Not bad eh :)?!

This is what it says. I’ve put it down in total unedited so you can see what resonates most with you. Enjoy!:

Expect a miracle. You have prayed for assistance, and it is forthcoming. The more completely you surrender your situation to God, the more rapidly you will realise your healing.

Heaven is completely on your side, and your payers have been hared and answered. You needn’t beg or petition heaven to help you, as your situation is already healed in truth. The healed reality is one of several parallel realities currently available to you. You have the choice, through your thoughts, emotions, and intentions, to experience the highest possible reality for yourself.

You access your healed situation through faith and gratitude. To feel these powerful catalysing emotions, say mentally or aloud to God, “I am tired of thinking about this situation. I don’t want to deal with it any longer. Here, I’m giving the entire thing to you so that you can think about it and resolve it. Thank you so much for taking care of everything.” Then, detach completely from the situation. See yourself placing it in the palm of God’s loving hand. Feel grateful that your situation is now resolved, and be open to the creative solution that greets you.

Affirmation: In truth, everything and everyone, including myself, is healed right now. I focus on this truth, instead of on illusions of fear.

Hey there, Laura woman - -I was just dipping my fingers in the warm waters of your blog and found myself putting off jotting you a quick note until I had more time to write more thoughtfully re your recent moments and thoughts....caught myself and am coming back to let you know that I am loving you from afar and sending you blazes of love from the bleak Northeast. Am heading out to Colorado in several hours (to meet up with Natey for college visits -- Sam just finished a quick tour of the Northwest with him. Nate has figured out that he may be called to go west to find a diiferent rhythm and pace to life for his college years....who am I to disagree????) Will be thinking of you and writing more...be well, keep dancing your once-in-a lifetime dance, and know that we are holding you close to our hearts -- love, Heather

Boy, there is a lot of love on your blog. Here's how I read your blog. First I come and see if you have any posts...I know the number of comments so I can tell right away whether there is something new. Then I read your comments. Sometimes I stop there. Other times I'll dip into the comments of your community (now feeling like my community). Back and forth. Back and forth. Connect the dots. Connect the non-dots.

Today I was taken by Zoe's post, the Miracle Healing card, the parallel realities, one of which is us -- already healed. Of course. Why not?

Here in Vermont it's a perfect spring morning. I got up early because I'm determined to plant some spinach and some peas along the side of the house before going to work. Brian's still in bed and I started the dishwasher (forgot to do that last night after dinner...blame it on American Idol). From my seat in the living room, I look out over the Champlain Valley to the Adrirondak mountains of New York and the sun is just hitting their tops. What a day. I'm savouring it...my new practice from our dinner at R3. When in doubt, savour. That's my new motto. May you have a day of savouring too!

Hi Laura,Wanted to post a quick note tonight, realizing you may not see it for a day or so, but then you may be here yet tonight. I spent all of today making sure my pets are taken care of, plants watered, etc. I packed and repacked my suitcase at least six times, probably still have more clothes than what is needed. I can hardly believe I will get to see you very shortly! Looking forward to to and wishing you good rest as you do all your preparations.Love, Emily

I visit your blog and read your words and am again inspired by, in love with and worried for you all at once. It's good to visit and read not only your words but those of people who post. Thank you for opening your heart to us here and giving us the opportunity to reciprocate.

We are in full spring glory in Vancouver and it is delightful. My poor old dogs are having more and more difficulty getting around, yet even they seem to be injected with more pep.

My official leadership project to honour and celebrate volunteers with SHARE, a local community service organization, happens on Tues night. We had hoped for, no would have been delighted with, 60 - 80 guests. At last count we are expecting 120+ - and we are still counting. It's going to be a party. There will be food, pampering spa treatments, celebration, acknowledgement, door prizes, a comedian, a folk trio, dancers and musicians from the high school in which it is being held. My husband and I just packed 60 of the 120+ gift bags we will need for our guests to take home with them. I have butterflies and I am really energized and excited about this. And it's just the beginning.

Laura, you are making such a huge impact on the world. Take care of yourself. Absorb the love, energy and prayers that I and so many people are sending you. Love ya, babe. Barbara

Visiting you again, checking in so to speak on what is happening in your world that many people (including me) are connecting to. I've been reading (thanks to Holly) Awakening the Buddhist Heart and I came across this passage this morning which made me think of your blog, the bigger game, and what leadership opened up for me.

"Self and others are inseparable. If we let ourselves connect and link up in community with ever-widening circles-reaching out to link hands and hearts with those near and far-we can experience a oneness and healing that surpasses understanding; we can become more fully alive, integrated, and at peace. This is the secret of spiritual connection. Making a meaningful spiritual connection in each and every part of our lives is a real possibility. It is up to each and every one of us to actually do so."

This reminds me my isolation is only in my head, my heart encompasses everything and what I can feel with my heart I am connected to. So this morning I tried a meditation from the book, breathing in taking on your pain and breathing out sending to you my health.

My daughter talked last night about wanting to see the rainforest before it is all gone. She heard it was being cut down at the rate of two football fields per second.And it made me wonder about how many football fields of garbage we are creating a day - and how much of that garbage is from products from the rainforest. There is such a lot of pain everywhere.

Just wondering how you are doing..playing your BIGGER GAME...game over the weekend..had you in my thoughts all weekend. Noel and I did a huge walk on Saturday (20 miles..wew..had fun but it was really hard) and then I powerwashed my patio in front and back on Sunday...exciting stuff:) Sending you and Judy lots of love and health. Know that we are talking about how great you look and seems like everything you are doing really looks good on you...you seem like you are getting healther with this process....really! Talk to you soon.Read something that made me think of you and me too...God is in the persistance...hm...something to chew on.

Just read your latest blog and you really sound great...your weekend extraordinary...it's such a joy to experience your highs with you...I'm inspired by your courage - The weather is heavy here today, but I felt a lightening of my spirit sharing your mood - I liked what Laura H. said about God being Persistence - you are surely that...

Laura,I am letting my ears hear the sounds.....Your voice and movements, Caroline's voice and movements..... voices of the other BG members from the weekend workshop. I am just enjoying the listening and will be savouring it all for a while. The three days seemed more than three days to me. That's neat...and speaks of great planning, great efficiency and utilization of time. What an experience you gave me, thank you for inviting me to come.

To summarize the vision I had of you from 37 years ago I would say I saw you as Dy-no-mite! It was wonderful for me to see in you how you have held onto that strength and energy that is so much you and yet realize how gently it rains down to touch others.

It was about midnight last night when I finally landed at my front door, but we took time to enjoy dinner in Salem and unwind a little. This morning as I awoke to the songs of so many birds outside I appreciated that music all anew. I think spring has arrived!

I will be thinking of you this week as you are doing the treatments and send warm and gentle touches to you. I must affirm how wonderful, how healthy you look and I say more, MORE of that!

Laura, Thank you for sharing the details of your "work" this week as you go through the testing and treatments. I realize you were bringing your own mind and awareness into focus but appreciate that you did that for all of us out here as well. My prayers and thoughts are for you and with you.Love, Emily

I am right there with you...I intend and the hold the possibiltiy for an MRI test result that shows no tumors, and that YOU ARE Laura Whitworth cancer free. I want that for you and for the world. I want you and the world to be very clear about what I want. For Laura Whitworth to be cancer free -- or moving distinctly in that direction.

Stable appearance of right......possible slightly decreased......No evidence of new......Underline all of that, put it in BOLD. Yes! A good report with more work ahead, but this is cause for celebration. Hope you have a deliciously warm, relaxing weekend.Love, Emily

Dearest Laura, yeah about the Bigger Game workshop with Caroline!! Of course you would be able to talk -- there is way too much inside you to have you be silent. When you mention the radiation experience and what you imagine that machine is doing, what comes to mind it that it is calling forth and giving more energy to the incredibly bright spirit and soul that shine in you and out to the world. It's like another jolt to turn up the volume to reach the most remote places in the world. Can you imagine the type of voltage that is needed to reach a remote village in Equador or South Africa? Your impact needs to continuously be felt next door and really, really far away. I feel it here is Chicago. We keep feeling it here in our company. We "knighted" another Bigger Game team with great success a few days before you turned on another group of individual Bigger Game players in Corte Madera. I am continually praying for your healing Laura and in the process I believe I found a chuch that is full of heart that I would like to join. The music and message move me to tears. I am heading there in about an hour and will bring you with me. Maybe we can be moved together. I love you...Susan

I consider that to be GREAT news! Makes me cry to see the good news - -and to know in my gut that your fight and incredible strength and intention, and love for and from friends, is what makes The Difference. As well as your unflinching honesty with the universe. And being clear about The Wanting. Having both feet over the line. No fence straddling. I have huge faith in the Universe and in you - - to keep dancing and witnessing the profound unfolding of your path....

Keep on doing what you're doing and when you feel tired, confused, lost or fed up, know that we will keep holding you up and sending you long distance energy and love boosts. I am loving the image of cooked cabbage strategically placed, absorbing the hurt...I am putting your healing into our local silent Unity prayer-cooker...and we will keep holding you close, seeing you as healing and loved and increasingly at ease and in comfort - -love flowing to and from you --

Hey, dear Laura! I am so happy to hear that the tumors are stable. Stable, I believe, is good for now because I picture "stable" as the elbow of the U-turn, as you start heading back towards full health. And that's what I pray for you...a full return to good health! As for me, all is well in my world today. My hubby and I just returned from a little vacation in Sedona. We took a hot air balloon ride and did some other wonderful activities. We get so wound up around work and the kids and "stuff" that we lose each other occasionally, so it was magical to reconnect. And I found Sedona to be such a healing place, spiritually and emotionally. April was a difficult month since it was exactly one year ago that my Daddy, first love of my life, went into the hospital for heart surgery. He was there 3 ½ months before he passed on. This past year, I’ve had real difficulty getting past those last three brutal months of his life. All the pain, anger, anguish, confusion, doubts, regrets and other “stuff” experienced during his last 3 months in the hospital has kept me from thinking about the other 65 years of his wonderful, blessed life. When I think of my Dad, like a fence, the last 3 months pop automatically into my mind. I couldn’t seem to get beyond the fence. During a healing moment in Sedona, a healer asked me to throw away (into a healing circle) that which no longer served me. And I threw away those last 3 months. In their place, I have a handful of wonderful memories from other moments in my Dad’s life which I automatically bring up when I think of him. What I’m finding is that I consciously have to prime the “thought” pump, and it’s getting easier. Now, when I think of him, I will myself to bring up my selected memories, and from there I’m off to some really good places. :-) Stay well, Laura. And remember the U-turn. You’re on your way back!

I have been back to re-read your last post several times, just to absorb the content, your thoughts, the fight, strength, weakness, vulnerability. It is wonderful that you care to relate for us so clearly the challenges you face, challenges any of us could face, may face. It is so valuable for us and I hope in doing so it is valuable to you as well. Maybe helping to focus, to define the questions to ask tomorrow or the next day. I did love Isha's comment on the Cabbage Patch Dolls. The cabbage treatment is one to keep for future reference or to share with someone anticipating radiation treatment.

I did my first interview today for my BG survey, assessing what the radiation treatment experience is in our community. The first one was quite positive, but one interesting factor is her oncologist was a female. It will be interesting to see what other assesments will be.

As we come to another weekend I pray you will have time to soak up sunshine, gain strength and healing of body and soul.Love, Emily

Hey there. Just saying hi and hello. It's Friday night here and very quiet except for the peepers (frogs). They are chirping and chirping, taking over where the evening birds have left off. I'm reading a book that dear Barbara S. gave me called "Perfection of the Morning." It's a story of a woman's transformation through her recognition of Nature. What's so interesting to me is that nothing changes except her awareness and perspective. And that changes everything. Everything comes alive. Like a new pair of glasses. Like leadership training. Cool, Laura. :-)

So tonight, I'm sending thoughts of Nature herself to assist and attend to you and your tiredness. I'm asking Her to refresh and revive both you and the Earthquake prayer beads with new energy and health. And with that, Laura, I wish you a lovely, peaceful night of sleep.

A quick yet heartfelt hello and virtual hug to you and Judy. I am up late doing some work and my mind drifted quickly to you and your night. I so send you love and blessings tonight, and every night that you body sleeps peacefully and fully so it can do its magic healing.

And now for something completely different-- to have you think of something else. My friend (goes to same church as Chuck and I) Katharine McPhee is now one of the final 4 contestants left on American Idol. It is so fun to see her share her talent. You may want to watch the final shows. It is so fun to see their "I Am" types and then see their "lids" get activated over and over again and then recover over and over again and again. Just thought it might be fun for you and Judy to see and comment and assess.

I love you so honey.Blessings to you and Judy tonight and forever!xo-Rick T.

I can only try to imagine how your brain is going through all of these thoughts during your journey. My brain races with what to others might seem to be minor annoyances. I guess at some point, just "being" is the order of the day to give our thoughts a rest. And, my thoughts are with you today.

laura laura laura...i dropped away for a bit, but never stopped thinking of you. it's been just over one year since we're back from our journey abroad and has it ever flown! life is really good since i landed a new job, which i love and we are planning, planning, planning for september. i read the "good" news, and am relieved to hear the optimistic results! may it be just the beginning of lots more good news!!will be in town on sunday if you feel up to visitors...we'll call you. it's been far too long and how lovely it would be to share the sunshine with our favorite ladies in the place we still call home. missing you both and sending big hugs! :)much love, jenn

Hi Laura, Just sent you a note, but wanted to send love here also. I am wanting for more people to leave their loveprints here for you too. So I will try to model and inspire that! I know how much anticipation Dan and I both held when we checked out Dan's "guestbook" on his caringbridge site, multiple times daily. It was so gratifying to know that people were checking in on us, sometimes multiple times daily, and dropping us notes. They were also "creating from" one another's entries, which was fun to see!

So, all of you lovers of Laura, I challenge thee today - leave your loveprint! Play with her here, and with each other! Give her something to look forward to when she comes to these pages with only the energy to read, not to post.

Ending this post with love to you Laura, and to your circles of friends who travel with you,

Hope the days where you are have been as nice as they have been here and that you continue to take in the warm rays along with all the resting your body needs.

At our place the battle of the weeds has begun, at least I do battle with them.....they don't seem to even notice a little bit.

Our property was totally undeveloped when we bought it although people had lived on it for a while. The only sign of effort to develop anything was a huge pile of rocks that was gradually becoming a weed and blackberry haven. I've bought and planted many trees that are getting up to nice sizes now and some will be bringing fruits to us before long. The best producers so far have been Asian Pear trees.

Last year I decided to develop a butterfly garden and with this sunny weather it will start opening up soon. Should see lots of activity this summer. Butterflies are a delight but I am also fascinated by dragon flies and we get the most beautiful ones here.

I like looking at the pictures posted with the blog, like the sunflowers and just so many beautiful gardens and scenery. I will have to work on a new collage of spring/summer to send to Stacy.(I love knowing the face that goes with the name too!)

Know that you are in my thoughts and prayers, that I am giving you a big bear hug and I will be back shortly.

Hello, Dear Laura - I hope you are feeling OK, and I know that you are probably not. And I want you to know that I check here almost daily for any new News, and to feel your spirit through the postings of others who care about you, as I very much do. Rest. Reflect. And Rejoin us when you feel like it. In the meantime, I'll continue to hold you in my thoughts and prayers.

Cheers? Wow. When I was in 7th and 8th grade, I was a basketball cheerleader. Now I'm being flooded with cheers from the past (I'll have to hold you responsible for that) and I'll see what comes forward for you. GO, FIGHT, WIN. That's the first one that came to mind. I'm sending that one out to your white blood cells. GO FIGHT WIN. It may take some time for others to surface, but when they do, I'll post them here for you ;-)

Here's something I want you to know. In one week, I will be in the same room as one of the survivors from the Uruguay rugby team that crashed in the Andes 30 years ago (remember that book "Alive"). It was a miracle. His being alive is a miracle. For me, the essence of the miracle was that, in choosing not to hope for a rescue, they made their own miracle happen....they got themselves out. That's what I see you choosing with your cancer fight. So GO FIGHT WIN.

Hi Laura, I'm sitting here at home on a Friday night, welcoming the quietude and rest from a hectic week, and sending you healing and prayerful thoughts. I've attached a poem I wrote that I would like you to have. I've titled it "Laura Full of Grace."

She is the triumphant knightess,the co-creator of her future,revealing her abundant desires, annihilating the annihilator of her dreams.

She is the loyal prophet of her wisdom courageously speaking her impeccable truth,which serves her the key to blissful freedom,one she always knew was hers to receive.

Her joyful nature is not violentyet she stands poised to fightall poisonous, putrid thoughts and deedswhose voice is disguised as pure and right.

Her elegant, majestic future selfneeds no dictionary to know dominion,because it is her loving oxygenshe gracefully lives, gives with every breath.

How does she know herself, trust herself?By intimately connecting all her parts,divinely tapping on the shoulder of her heartinviting her to empower her soul’s energy.

Her humble response opens doors to bounty and grace,reminders of her beauty, magic and magnificence,easing her through the threshold of life.She is accepted, she is trusted, she is loved.

God’s voice lovingly whispers through her, patiently urging us to awaken the world,as it prepares to really listen, to really hear,to faithfully respond and to boldly change.

She is Laura, so full of grace!!

The formatting doesn't come out very well here, so I'll email you a copy.

Wow! Susan captured you so perfectly, and I am privileged to be first to applaud her, and you, Lovely Laura. I so admire the ability to write and communicate so profoundly. Great job. I will share this verse I found, short but I love it and dedicate it to you, Laura.

The Coin, by Sara Teasdale

Into my heart's treasuryI slipped a coinThat time cannot takeNor a thief purloin;Oh, better than the mintingOf a gold-crowned kingIs the safe-kept memoryOf a lovely thing.

Hope our words of love help the medicines go down. May tomorrow be better for you, and the next day better, and one and on.

Hope you are doing well today - I CHEER for you every day! I marvel at your dedication to yourself and your healing and I somehow gain strength from you - I think we are the best when we are the most vulnerable - thank you lovely Laura...

Hi Laura,Sharna and Kim here. We cheer you for all of your IVs and nutritionals and everything else!! We just tried our powdered "greens" and can't say they taste like chocolate cake (more like ICK!) but we think it's worth it!!! Rah rah rah to you -GO - FIGHT - WIN!!!!

Go and fight and win it - hey!go and fight and win it - hey!Win it for a better day!win it for a better way!Go and fight and win it - hey!

exit left with a cartwheel ....Queen blasts out "We will, we will rock you... the bleachers are filled with stomping, clamping, chanting fans... (that's us, Laura :-) ________________________________OK, I almost put you in the game for a 3 pointer... but I'll let you take it from here...

Checking in, just in case you are awake (normal people are sleeping by now, guess I don't fall in that 'normal' category).

This is just a short Blakely Funny Farm tale. Among our menagerie we have chickens and we have ducks. This afternoon as we returned from town I noticed a very small baby chick running around the fowl compound. No mother in sight. It seemed to think ducks might be its mother, but the ducks would run away. We looked everywhere to find a chicken setting on a nest but found none. We did find a duck setting on a nest with mixed duck and chicken eggs. That is where we determined the chick came from, so there may be more coming. In the meantime we have the chick in a cage in the house and I taught it to peck and eat tonight.

Wow, exciting, huh? Maybe a short distraction from the ichs and pains you have been going through. Your resiliency amazes me and I realize you may think you aren't resilient at all. You really are. Maybe, imagine you are in a boxing match and, yeah, the fever knocks you down for a little while but the ich medicines are just the fill-up you need to put the power in your boxing gloves and punch out the enemy's lights! I just saw an old video of a match between Ali and Frazer that I guess made that analogy pop into my mind. You are throwing the punches and we are here to cheer for you. We are in your corner and it is jam-packed.

My love and thoughts are flowing out to you today. Wow can you believe the warmth that is ours in California these days, maybe even a little too warm, and I was thinking of you and sending the warmth of the sun into your body and knowing the healing properties of the sun and imagining that the cancer cells are just burning up inside and dying and new healthy cells are taking its place within you.

So here is my try at a CHEER for LAURA:

Sun Sun Kill Those Cancer Cells,Make them disappearMake them fizzel into thin Air,

Healthy Cells see them growPush those others out Healthy Cells, Pump them in Watch Laura WIN WIN WINThe FIGHT is ON,She will WINAS Cancer take its flight Laura FIGhTS TO WIN and LIVE ! ! ! ! ! ! !

May it Be SoMay You BE Healthy and StrongMay You BE Peaceful and HappyMay You LIFE a Long and Healthy Life

- the wind is busy here today - wild, there is no escape. like thoughts that force their way into any gap or tiny opening. For some reason the refrain of the Battle hymn of the Republic "Mine Eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the Lord" sung in a really loud voice inside my mind serves to keep me standing though I sway like the willow.loveJeanne B

Good morning Laura - I got a bit scared for you last week and chose to "look away" from what you were experiencing. And thank god, you called out and said - hey wait a minute here, I need some cheering and comfort.

I own my cowardice dear Laura. And I am here with you again.

I am hoping that this sunny morning is warmly embracing you and filling you with HOPE, evaporating your fears and yukky feelings from the medicines. I am wanting all the LOVE out there for you to be what's coming into you through the IV lines - so that even if it doesn't feel or taste right, you know that it's healing LOVE. And I'm also visualizing the warm sun rays on you this morning to be the embodiment of FAITH that nourishes you and us on your journey with cancer.

Hope, love and faith - these are my cheers and comfort for you this morning.

I spent a day with a shaman the weekend before last. She told me about a Healing Circle in which she and other shaman-trainees participated. During the ceremony, there was a person who took the role of the "disease" and one who took the role of "perfect health." The person who was ill, "disease" and "perfect health" were all in the middle of the Healing Circle surrounded by other participants. The participants were instructed to pay no attention to "disease" and to put all of their attention on "perfect health," cheering her on, calling to her, loving her, nourishing her. Slowly during the dance, "disease" began to slow down, having been drained of energy and attention. "Disease" eventually crept on all fours from the circle, diminished, defeated, cut off. I like this story. I thought you might like it too. Right now I'm picturing you in that Circle. I'm picture you and "perfect health" dancing...."disease" having left the circle.

If you look under "January through March" personal notes to you, you'll find a new one from me at the very end. WHOOPS!! I'm in the middle of a fast and things are a little cock-eyed! Ditzier than usual! Wishing you well and loving you loads.

I keep checking in, to see how you are feeling, hoping for good news. Of course, then I come here and read all the comments! And the cheers!

I hope Mother's Day was good for the Mother of Coaching! Susan said she sent you a card - wish I had thought of that! Of course, I did not even give my mom a card, she did get jewelry though!

We had a busy weekend, with the Mother's Day celebration and Erin's third birthday party combined at my house. We fed 19 - chicken and lamb spiedies (marinated, skewered, bbq'd), salads, etc... and of course, birthday cake! Dora the Explorer gifts won the day for Erin. She also enjoyed the cake, and frosted brownies. It was a wonderful, crazy house for several hours!

Prayers and love for you continue - looking forward to seeing you very soon!

Hi Laura Laura,I missed seeing you the other day when Sam and I were leading R2 and staying at your house. Judy said you weren't having a great day. I HOPE HOPE HOPE HOPE HOPE you are feeling better and stronger.

Sam and I had a great ropes course day. I don't know if I ever told you this, but when I assisted you and Henry for a leadership group, I remember watching you on Ropes Course R1 Day. There was a woman who had gotten three quarters up the ladder to the Lion's Leap, and then decided she was coming down. I was confused. On the one hand, I knew it was hip in the personal growth world to support people with their own limitations, the setting of boundaries, etc. I mean, with so many people never really speaking up for what they want, it's a good thing to encourage someone to say when they are done. On the other hand, ropes courses and leadership are about going beyond one's limits, stretching oneself, not settling for the ho-hum and the same ole same ole. As an assistant who had his sights on leading leadership one day, I panicked. I didn't know what I would do in your shoes. What are you supposed to do when someone says they want to come down? Support them to stop? Or encourage them on?

I'll never forget you that day with the participant-let's call the woman Sue. The dialogue went something like this:

Sue: I'm coming down.Laura: No, you're not.Sue: Yes, I am. I'm tired.Laura: How about one more step up the ladder?Sue: (shaky, in tears) NO! I can't!Laura: Okay, you can come down when you want.Sue: Okay, I...Laura: But I want you to make sure that YOU are deciding to come down, from a good, clear leader choice, not because a voice is telling you that you can't do it.Sue: But what if...?Laura: While you are deciding which one it is, how about another step up the ladder?Sue: Fuck you! (with some anger and some laughter in her voice)Laura: Now you're talking. I think I hear a fighter in there.Sue: Fuck! (and she takes another step up the ladder.)Laura: Way to GO, babe. That was a powerful choice.Sue: I KNOW! Can I come down now?Laura: It's not about me giving you permission. It's about you deciding which one is...Sue: FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU! (and she takes another step up the ladder, with a HUGE grunt!)Laura:...as I was saying.Sue: I am NOT a quitter, I am NOT...(another step up)Laura: Never said you were. How's the view up there!Sue: GRUNT!!! GROAN!!!! I don't know, I am NOT looking at it, I'M FUCKING BUSY!!!!!Laura: Gotcha! Don't mean to distract you. This is you in your power. And you can choose to go up or come down. I just want you to do it from a place of power, that's all.Sue: I'll show you fucking POWER! (and with that, Sue grunted her way over the platform at the top, sat back, and laughed and cried like crazy! She took a few minutes to catch her breathe, while enjoying the raucous applause from all of the watchers on the ground-and later, the video tape picked up wild screaming from me, the camera operator, who forgot in that moment that the camera had an audio function-and then she jumped off of the Lion's Leap into the open air with one of the wildest screams this skinny man's ears have EVER heard.

I remember thinking that day that I could never do this job. I asked you about it later, wanting to know how you knew to do what you did. You said something like, "I didn't really know. I just couldn't tell if Sue was giving up on herself or making a powerful choice. So I just let myself say stuff, to help her decide."I asked, "But what about all the times she was swearing at you?" (a veiled question. What I really meant was, "Shouldn't you have backed off?")And I'll never forget your reply. "I know! It was music to my ears."

Laura, since that time I have helped TONS of people get up (and down) those ladders. Sometimes I've failed at bringing out the most powerful choices in the participants. At other times I've succeeded in a way I didn't know I could. And I've watched the birth of powerful leaders over and over again on those high events.

On ropes course day, I keep you in mind a lot. Sometimes, when a participant needs help and I'm not sure of the route to take I think, 'What would Laura do? Not because I can't find my own sense of leadership. But because when I think of you in that way, it helps me to hear all the gorgeous music around me, in all its myriad forms. And then things get easier and clearer.

Thanks for your lasting impression on that ropes course day from this Leadership Leader. You have brought out the best in me.

So how about a few more steps up your ladder today, Laura? I promise, you can swear all you want. It's music to my ear.

Hi Laura, Reading about your experience of receiving radiation brought me right back to my own experience on the radiation table at CPMC now almost eight years ago. Then I fast forwarded my memory tape to two years later in Leadership when I did stand up comedy about that very awful sensation of everyone rushing out of the radiation room leaving me alone to face the machine and whatever else my mind was conjuring up. And now to the present, reading Jeff's eloquent experience of watching you encourage "Sue" to see what she wanted to do rather than listening to the voices that were negatively influencing her.

I often joked that cancer was my very own Leadership program. You were at the Wands Leadership retreat where I chickened out and didn't get very far up the tree. You didn't get to see me at the Smoke Signals Leadership retreat where post-cancer I jubilantly got hoisted up the tree and asked for help in walking across, as my balance was still shaky. After cancer, the ropes course was a piece of cake!

Reading of your experience reminded me of why cancer is such a profound time of Leadership.Ultimately we are all alone in our experience. Yes, there are many people on belay but only you are walking through the fear, the agony, the joy and each moment of presence. It takes courage beyond what most of think we are capable of to show up as that singular conscious experience that each one of us is. It takes supreme courage to be larger than our thoughts and to face our aloneness.

Keep playing your bigger game. The reward is too great to pass up. It is only when we are larger than our thoughts that we win the championship. You can do it. You are doing it. You do it every day.

When the space is right, the particles all fall into place. When you get beyond your thoughts, you know that you are the space of generativity where all things are possible in our "al(l)-oneness". This to me is the greatest leadership. Leaping off the edge and embracing the space of "no-thingness" where we are all radiant, vibrating energies joined together in unity and beauty simply being the heart of the universe.

Dear Laura - boy, what a trip you've been on! And I'm so glad you're on the other side of it now, observing and reflecting on your tracks. And there's still a bit more to traverse, so I made you a cheer to help you get through the rough spots. It's to be sung like the Marine marching chant...Countdown 1,2,3... :-)

Summer and sunshine have finally arrived to Los Angeles. I'm sitting in my office on a Friday afternoon, taking in the tree outside my office window, and the gentle breeze. Just beyond the tree is what remains of the lagoon that they used in the "Gilligan's Island" TV show. Really!

Hey, I'm sure you've never watched the soap I work on, "Passions"... and we've just cast a new character who is actually a mermaid. Memory tells me that you and Judy have a thing for mermaids! The show is good silly fun, complete with modern day witches and mayhem. I'm enjoying myself immensly, and remembering all those years ago walking through LAX with you, telling you that I didn't really miss the "business." Ahh! It's good to be back.

Just wanted to give you a quick update on my life... and let you know that I'm sending you lots of love, and good healing energy.

Hi Laura,This experience you had sounds like the worst and wildest roller-coaster ride ever, like the ride I've heard they have in China that takes 30 minutes to complete. I'm sure you felt like someone had tied you up in knots and twisted you through a wringer by the time things began to settle down a bit. The best part is that it is behind you and you are feeling some strength returning. Your rescuers were marvelous.

I am listening to the falling rain here and hoping that if you are hearing it too that it will make you feel relaxed with its gentle song, that you will feel comfortable and warm.

Oh Laura, I found myself holding my breath as I read your May 17 entry. I feel so blessed and honored that you're sharing your intimate journey and thoughts with us. That is a greater gift than you realize.

When you were feverish and delirious and -- as you put it -- flirting with death, you still had the insight and tenacity to contact the people who could help you and tell them what they needed to know. You credit others with saving your life -- give some of that credit to yourself, too, because you were the one who took charge, reached out, and held on.

MY OH MY! You have fought hard lately for this thing called LIFE. THANK YOU for fighting so hard and well! I can see why they give warriors bronze stars and purple hearts. I want to sew stripes on your shoulders and put stars on your collar points. You stayed clear enough in battle to keep yourself alive. Other fine soldiers will learn and grow stronger from what you've shared here. THANK YOU!!

I'm percolating on more thoughts for you... just wanted you to know I'm THRILLED you're on THIS side of those awfullest awfuls.

Much love to you... especially as you drink that kidney tea. I'm dreaming up that it will taste like sun-ripened raspberries picked off the vine on a late summer day... while wearing a grand hat with a fabulous sunflower tucked in the band.

I'm here - checking in. All is well in the O'Mara household, I think! Erin has a new thing - when she wants my attention she says "hoo hoo", which I think means "yoo hoo". It is very cute, and will soon be a bit annoying, I am afraid. Still - cute... she's three!

I loved seeing you last week, and I am amazed at how well you seem to be doing, given the craziness you so recently survived! You look great - and I think your stamina was fairly remarkable.

Laura,So wonderful to have a good discourse to read, definitely not too long. I think the way western medicine will move to investigate and incorporate some of the alternative medicine practices will be when more and more patients ask their physicians about them. As more people hear (like through this blog) about alternatives, the more likely western doctors will be pushed to make room for them. I have seen improvements in the realm of western medicine but it is slow coming. I think the process will be speeded up because of the ways people have access to information today. Your sharing all these details works benefit both ways, your mental processing of information and our absorbing it. Coffee enemas may not be a preferred topic of conversation in some circles, but in this one I hope you hold nothing back. I am wondering why coffee? I will investigate and see what I find. I was reminded of Peace Corps days. Remember whenever volunteers would gather and the conversations would most often be a comparing of ailments and sharing information? The good results for you must be so encouraging that the ickies you have to take may not seem so bad. I will be looking for more of what you have to share. :)Love, Emily ecblakely@cmspan.net

You know, one of the gifts of being 'busy' is that I don't have to face the important things in life going around me. I have been joyfully, distractedly 'busy' and it's kept me successfully away from your blog.

Tonight, I gave up being busy and hunkered down and read through many of your postings and those of the wonderful folks who offer their love and support on a regular basis.....getting those posts must seem like a beautiful daily diet of the best food ever--filled with nourishment and sustenance.

I am in awe at the courage and yet the matter-of-factness with which you go on, Laura. I can't imagine what it is like to go through the ups and downs of this cancer roller coaster, but I know that your modeling of both the fierce amazon warrior AND the fully receptive and vulnerable maiden, as you follow this journey, is the expression of the full spectrum of humanity that seems needed for this adventure.

A delightful surprise to see your new post. A lot of serious thought there, much to digest. I can't say often enough how much I appreciate that you share your thoughts, feelings, experiences with us.

Here is an interesting analysis I recently found: Anatomy of a Laugh. According to research here's what happens when you laugh. Your heart and lungs are stimulated. You breathe deeper and oxygenate more blood. Your body releases endorphins, you own natural pain killers, and you produce more immune cells. You burn seventy-eight times as many calories as you would in a resting state. Your diaphragm, facial muscles and internal organs all get bounced around in a massage sometimes called "internal jogging." I am remembering Laura's laugh, a good, hearty laugh. One that no darkness could surround.

Writing the book is awesome. I know it will be a tremendous benefit for others in this fight.

I am going to be away from home Saturday and Sunday, but will be back to re-read your post and maybe respond to more in your questioning and see what others have put out there.

Thank you for taking us along with you in your last post. And it felt that way. Like a walk together along a path, with the sun coming and going, different things to notice and point to along the way. I am taking what you are pointing to to heart, very much to heart, and want to express my gratitude to you for going beyond "business as usual" in these most important matters....my god, we are all longing for more than "business as usual" with each other. That's the crying part for me...that longing. So many thanks. I wanted to share that a friend of mine who teaches yoga and spends a lot of time in India sent me an email reminding me to focus on my outbreath. She said that most of the body's toxins actually leave through the breath. So I wanted to add that to your list of detoxing systems. I'm looking forward to your post on eating/nutrition, btw.

Your companion in savouring this holiday weekend, this weekend of planting....

Hi LauraI've just arrived in England, where the holiday weekend weather is distinctly chilly and moist; it was warming to read of sunshine in your neck of the woods. Thank you a million times for all that you share. When I think of the roller coaster and your incredible courage, I am so inspired.

We just had a crazy night out in Shanghai with Rick and LA .. Alan had invited them there and, co-incidentally, Anna and I were in SH that week too - so we had a great catching up. Later in the week we went shopping .. just as the South China typhoon was whipping SH with rain and wind ... ask Rick about his beautiful, new silk jacket!!!! (And about his negotiating powers with the shopkeepers!! Co-active negotiation with a language barrier ... now that is quite something!!! Luckily Anna was able to jump in, in Mandarin ... that didn't look so co-active to me, not that I understood a word!!)

Now they are weaving their magic again in Australia, with so many successful workshops happening it is dazzling.

I want you to know that I think of you often and always, even though I don't post too often. Keep fighting the fight, we all love you, Laura ... ciao for now, Jane.

I am somewhat in awe of you, as well as of the other CTI founders (I'm sure you'd all chuckle at that), and what I'm most in awe of is your utter, authentic human-ness. I was reading your comments about how involved treatment is, and how you weren't sure whether to bring the black cloud feelings to your blog. I thank you for doing so. It lets others know that feelings run the gamut and that when we have black cloud feelings, especially when we are going through something so big and profound, we can and should not only have but share our feelings too.

I didn't even know till reading the online newsletter today that you were undergoing treatment for cancer. I'm glad to know: I can feel throughout my body a sense of lifting you up, of holding you aloft, of being one of the many who carry you and love you from afar. I think we are all drops in the same stream, the same waterfall, and we are blending our drops with yours.

I'm back from the suprising sunshine of London and the rolling hills of Spain and the dry, dusty, HOT awe-some mesas of New Mexico and savoring fully a day off in my beautiful home. What a ride!

So delicious to check in to your blog after being away for a bit and find a recent post. You and Judy both were much in my thoughts this past week.

I missed you both so in this last ceremony. It was a remarkable time. . . and, as we sat around the fire in New Mexico your face and Judy's dancing eyes were with me.

The Medicine Wolves triumphed in the presentation of their first two day ceremony. . .17 truly incredible people left the land after two days, deeply connected to each other and the Great Hoop of Life. It was truly a wowie zowie experience and we were are deeply impacted by the work and by each other.

I also had the opportunity to be with Eileen Kouzel there on the land as well which was such a gift and a blessing.

As usual, your post touches and inspires me. You are such a gift to me, Laura. I'm deeply grateful for the part that I have gotten to play and continue to play in your walk through this lifetiime.

I love the questions that you pose. What makes me happy? Well, most anything! These days it feels as if joy either flows from me or it does not.

When I am connected to Spirit and in the rythm and flow of Life. . . there is joy, even in the hard things. When I become captured by the illusion of the doing world, I am lost to myself and something else flows from me. . .I'm not sure what it is . . . .Push? Re-action? Drivenness? Whatever it is. . .it sure ain't joy.

So my prayer today is that I walk my life with the deep awareness of my connection to All That Is. In that connection, my heart is filled with gratitude. Without it, I am truly lost.

I feel our coming time together at the end of June with the Otters. It feels like the bud of a flower. . . ripe with promise and the unknown. Yeeeha!

It's been a long time since I've travelled your blog. I just read your latest. What makes me...you...happy? And I've read the postings from all those you have touched and who so clearly love and admire you. It is so wonderful to be a witness to that. It feels like a healing circle of the virtual kind.

I am still struck by your question - What makes you happy? When you remove the need for sleep and rejuvenation and have rested enough to choose anything (but travel) you can do, what would make you happy? ...being here right now on this blog makes me happy, knowing that maybe my words bring comfort or connection or something else to you. Being with my nephew smelling pretty flowers makes me happy. It's the kind of happy that sits deep in my soul and is quiet and stirring. I would love to know more of what makes you happy.

Your last posting makes perfect sense! I take it to mean that you are calling us, calling me, to live my truth and not compromise that due to circumstances or that pesky gremlin :)

I have only just logged on to your blog and my heart feels well-exercised having read your thoughts from the last few months.

When your black clouds are present, it feels like a black heavy hand is crushing my heart, wringing it to bring a lump to my throat. Thank you so much for sharing those alive personal moments with me. The black clouds image that you use often, makes me think of the black clouds that gather and eventually rain down tears, bringing life with them and clearing the way for blue skies and sunshine to encourage growth and hope. It's the natural way. It's an image that reminds me of the wonder of Africa, with its distinct smell of life, its rich fertility and new, resilient, breathtakingly beautiful life that stays dormant under barren, crisp land, just waiting for the rains until it springs forth. Laura, your courage, dermination and dedication to WINNING are so evident, I see that you're on the brink of cracking that dried earth with your rain, your openness and natural way. It's only a matter of time before your revitalised life springs forth too.

Something else I see strongly in your writing, is that you are dedicated to the fight. But you are also more than the fight now - there is another level. Your attitute is bigger than the cancer (even if on stormy skied days your gremlin doubts it). Your thoughts are inspirational. Your positivity is life-giving. Your generosity and openness remind me of the person I can be too.

I know it's glib quoting cliches, but you have reminded me that death is non-curable. It comes to us all. I'm delighted that your cancer growth seems to have arrested so that you too can live in the uncertainty of not knowing if your day will come today or in 50 years time. If the cancer clowns come back to play another inappropriate trick on you, then we will all be here to hear your interpretation of it.

Your light isn't fading, just flickering; it's so strong that it's lighting up Europe too! I can't wait to meet you and have you lead one of our European courses again soon. We are currently planning a European Co-Active Coaching Day for late October/early November and would love to see you there!

I send you hot (forget warm) wishes, lots of white blood cells, the ability to fool your taste buds into thinking they're dealing with medicines of nectar, and lots and lots of laughter around you and in you (cancer hates laughter).

Thank you for sharing. And for more than that. Thank you for being human and vulnerable - it's incredibly delicate, strong and beautiful. I'll write again soon.

I can’t stop crying because when my mother and father were young they were so damn beautiful. When I look at an old picture of them taken in the forties my heart hurts to see how pretty they are.

I can’t stop crying because this morning I found a snail chewing on my hydrangea. I was so pissed that I threw it across the yard. My yard is made of brick. I found the little body a bit later. The little shell was broken there was a piece missing and it was lying in a small pool of liquid, snail blood.

I can’t stop crying because I saw the roaring Atlantic Ocean pounding ancient serpentine and spewing froth above the headlands. I hope it never stops.

I can’t stop crying because the day my brother died there were two bald eagles perched on a mast outside of the hospital. Maybe that was where they lived, maybe they came to get him.

I can’t stop crying because my wife hit her nose on a tree branch and almost broke it. She is always a bit enthusiastic and sometimes she moves too fast without thinking. There was no snail blood. But a few tears.

I can’t stop crying because I believe and fairy’s and still haven’t seen one. But I have seen evidence.

I can’t stop crying because I know there is greatness in small things. In the things I often cannot see. The sounds I often cannot hear. The stuff I don’t know yet.

It must be because these things are so lovely. A few things that intimacy are made of.

This is Paweł from Poland - a CTI Poland partner who just started CTI kind of a year ago.

We didn't meet and in a way we did. I am thinking a lot about you and your situation.

I owe you a lot - I am really transforming thanks to the courses that you have designed and the people you taught to lead by example.

You are a special person for me, I care for you and that is the main reason why I decided to share.

One day my mom was in a similar situation to yours. She is fine now for like 30 years... .

We have never spoke about it for these 30 years....

Just recently I have spoken with her and she supprised me a lot. My Mom, my dearest Mom said to me: "You know, I really needed this time on my life. Something BIGer, BIGest happened. And it helped me a lot. And then when the illness was not needed it was gone."

Well, I felt like sharing this wilh you.

I am absolutely certain that there is always a way out of the dark valley - so to speak.

And I wish you to find it.

Let God bless your body, mind and spirit. Let Him help you to get out of this.

As I sit at the desk and listen to my fourteen year old beautiful cat make the sweetest snoring noises, I realize that it doesn’t take much to make me happy. Thanks for asking! It also made me happy to read this blog. What a delight to soak in the energy of love and healing that radiates from the entries made by people who love and support you.

Thank you for sharing yourSelf and your journey in this format. Once again I realize that you are touching my life. Wow, pretty amazing that you keep doing that considering that I have never met you.

At the end of each course I’ve taken through CTI, including Leadership, the three co-founders of CTI have always been acknowledged by the leaders of each course. So, quietly, I’ve sent many thanks to the three of you during those last moments of completions.

Now, I’m cranking up my voice a bit so it will be easier for you to hear me send you a great big THANK YOU all the way from Mississippi.

Thank you for the role you have played in making CTI what it is today. The training that I’ve received through CTI has impacted my life in monumental ways and I’ve met a lot of wonderful people along the way too.

My goal is to pass as much of the good stuff I’ve gotten from CTI forward as I possibly can.

May love and healing energy continue to shine on you today, tonight and always.

I have been in this place of questioning, pondering, reflecting since January - when I suddenly woke up to the fact that the "dream" I was chasing was not of my making - that, in truth, what I didn't even want what I was struggling so to create, and I wasn't enjoying the journey, so what's right with that picture?

So I have made frequent visitations to the Hunger square, and also noticing what nourishes me, what makes me happy, day-to-day.

I'm working full-time again as a software geek, something I thought (hoped?) I had left behind. And one thing I love about this work is opportunity for constant learning... learning to solve a problem in a better, more efficient way. First to do the exploration, then to refine it step-by-step. When I have a finished product after 2-3 days of working something out, I am positively giddy!

A solitary walk on the beach recently brought me peace and contentment and happiness. I love the ocean, and living in Colorado, it's a rare treat to be relished.

On the same weekend, three gal pals and I got together for a spa day. All four of us are very different, and yet, when we met at workshop 20 years ago, we knew there was an other-worldly bond and we would be friends forever. Of course, the mineral hot springs and the massages were great treats, and the real source of happiness was the connection, the engagement.

I stayed in bed until noon on Monday - don't remember the last time I stayed in bed so late! But I was laying there pondering around 9:30 when a friend called, and then another, and then another. Good, soulful, meaningful chats and I was cozy, and engaging and happy.

On my way to central Oregon last weekend I took the travel time to consider points of your last post and tried to make mental notes of some of my thoughts to share with you.

We travelers on the road of life generally take the miles with few complications. Health is good, we have most things we need or want for comfort or convenience. We do learn that not all lives are long, nor easy, nor comfortable, but our life is okay so we only allow the reality that life ends an occasional brief pause for thought. We are just busy with the living of life, and that is good, but we really should give more consideration to the reality in order to better utilize the time we are given. Do any of us have a certain future? Not really....as quickly as night turns to day what we assumed to be our future could change, or stop. The bottom line is that we all have an ambiguous future but we go on through life as if we didn't. You are facing that reality, that there is an ambiguous future, yet you are working on a book! Why stop there? You are a starter, an initiator and should not be stymied by anything. Being an achiever, you probably cannot tolerate the thought of not completing what you begin, but maybe for a time let go of that and just keep stimulating yourself in any ways you find.

My savoring thoughts are along Rock Creek. The air is fresh, the sun is warm. I meander through the creek picking up rocks colored red, blue, green and all shades in between. There is a deep pool I go to and look for salmon hanging in the shadows that suddenly dart into the open now and again. Eyes must be quick in order to see them even though they are large. I am awed by the landscape, to see the tiniest flower, the giant trees, huge rocks and the design of it all.

Thank you for leading the telecall on Wed and challenging us to explore our bigger games. Your spirit and energy as you move through this time of your life and your journey with cancer are so inspiring.

Thank you for your most recent post. I read it yesterday and had to take some time to listen to my response. Here's some of what I noticed---Yay for Barbara and others on the call who were "dancing" with what did or did not show up. Yay for their flexibility and obvious care for you. I can just imagine how excited they were when you rang in. Now, more than ever, you have a great knowing--and a great willingness to share what you know and what you have learned in life.

When I think about urgency, I can't help but think about what matters. See, there's many things that can present as "urgent". Someone else's lack of planning or commitment can become "my" urgent. But the people and things and work that matter to me always carry a sense of urgency with them. Doing and being for that end does not feel like stress. It feels like giving. It feels like loving. It feels like gratitude. It is grace.

Right at this moment, I have a sense of urgency about making sure that your June Leadership Program with Karen is full. We're close. Why is it so urgent? Because it matters...on so many levels and to so many lives.

I'm praying for you every day...that you will experience great love and joy in these early days of summer.

I just discovered your blog last week and today was inspired by your "urgency" message. In the past year the pedulum has swung for me from a place of constant urgency to a place of unhurried calm. I like it here but I loved being reminded by you that perhaps I am missing out on some of the jewels in urgency. I wonder what would it be to be at choice with urgency (the energized excited alive kind) and stillness and calm. Better yet what would it be to have both at the same time? Anyway...I feel some urgency to talk to you about my passion. Interestingly enough it is to take the lessons from those who have faced terminal illness to bring more aliveness and more peace to all. I have lots of ideas and there are many pieces to what I think about AND I haven't found a solid application quite yet. I have been inspired by Steven Levine and Elizabeth Kubler Ross as well as my own experiences as a nurse and a finacial advisor. You are doing that work right now with all of us here on this site and I am watching and learning and feeling very humbled. I keep waiting for the right time to "claim" this calling or waiting to "flow" into it somehow...obviously I have been lacking urgency. I am in leadership right now and am torn between wanting to create some urgency and wanting to trust that I will know when, what and where. Listening to you and to all you inspire in others is deeply stirring me. I feel a connection despite never having met you in person. Thank you Laura for who you are and for the courage you show and lessons you teach. The truth is that in a blink of an eye this planet will be replaced with all new faces. All any of us can hope is that our presence here left the earth more filled with love ..as you so clearly have. With love and gratitude,Donna

What a great insight into urgency and stress. I used to be very stressed in my job 4 years ago - it left me tearful, with sleepless nights and a neglected relationship. And it permeated all areas of my life. A regular manifestation of it was to be late for everything and have my insides churn up in knots every single time.

On one occasion when I turned up late, one of the party remarked in a loud voice, 'I think people who are late are just attention seekers' I was mortified, especially because I suspected that it could be true! It was my way of being significant, of being a martyr to my hectic schedule.

I laugh now, because I've changed my career and my lifestyle. I'm still late sometimes, but it's when other things in my life are urgent too, or when I want to have attention and feel exhilarated at the rush. Not because I am giving away my control.

So, in short, I think stress is about lacking control; urgency is about being in control, relishing the challenge and zooming along with it! It's a rollercoaster! I'm chuckling just thinking about it :)

Thanks for the thought to run with. It was fun!

A cheer for you today:"Go Laura!Be urgentFIGHT the fightTake controlKnow you're in the driving seatAnd your journey is safe in your hands!"

Kim here - just saying hello & thinking of you. Sharna & I visited Leslie in Playa over Memorial Day weekend and it was fabulous. Stay tuned as I will post some pictures as soon as Sharna sends them to me... (she's got the digital camera at home..)

Love your last couple of posts, and you have me musing, as usual! On happiness, what makes me happy? Being present with my children, really present... like I was when we went camping over Memorial Day weekend, and I really played with Erin on the most fantastic playground. Being wanted and appreciated at work in a way that is unexpected... like a recent conversation which opened up a possible new door. My husband's declaration that the ice cream and chocolate chip cookies were going to be quarantined to the basement freezer, as we watched Honey, We're Killing the Kids... I can't tell you how long I've been quietly beating the health and nutrition drum for this family... (now if the kids would just voluntarily give up donut holes, juice boxes, and white bread...) New ideas, flashes of "brilliance" that ignite a new kind of hope, or a new perspective on an old topic... Having a rainy day to cook and prepare an early dinner for friends... Really good music, and music with a cause (the new Dixie Chick's album, for example!)... People commenting on how well my son takes care of his little sister (and watching him in action)... Hugs and kisses... So many things...

On urgency... it raises such an interesting question. Good, bad? How is it different than stress? This one will take some more noodling. However, I think you might really be onto something when you talked about the problem with chronic or ongoing stress, vs. the sprint of an urgent need (like your phone call). A book I really like is "The Power of Full Engagement, Managing Energy not Time". It sounds like your urgent response on that phone call was perhaps energizing for you, not draining. You were able to sprint, and then breathe! So perhaps there is something in there... a series of sprints with time to re-energize in between? And for me, there is that all-important alignment with values and compelling purpose. I am not good at "urgent" when it's out of alignment with my values. Nor do I want to be good at that! I know the kinds of requests that drain me.

So, nothing terribly earth shattering there, I guess. Food for thought, which is good and satisfying...

(Remember...I went to a Polish Catholic school where Keilbasa (pronounced: Ku-Bah-Sah) was the multifuntional link sausage that ws used as both a food item and, according to the cheer, a weapon. Remember, we are a very frugal and resourceful people!)

I loved your day in the garden and I'm grateful you had that and savor those moments. Your words prompted me to go out to my garden and look around to find what I hadn't seen before...there sure was a lot there! This, of couse, prompted me to continue looking at other areas where I'm there and just not seeing which leads to the questions of "Where else is this happening?!?"

Ahh....questions...that's what life is about isn't it, asking the questions, finding the answers, asking the questions again, finding the answers again...remembering and relearning.

I also love our holding each other as Big and Brave and as Savorers...shifts energy!

I love you Laura and I love your words and I love your tenacity and I love your humor and I love your sadness and I love your humaness and I love your asking and I love your wanting and I love your inquiries and I love your Bigness and I love your Braveness and I love your Living Strong! and I love your titillating savoriness and I love your asking 'What's next?' even when it might not feel like there is a 'next' and I love your urgency and I love your restfulness and I love your looking, looking, looking and your pointing to those dark places that go 'boo' in the night and hide under our beds and in our closets and I love your pointing to those light places that allow us to be in those places of calm and serenity and knowing we are exactly where we need to be.

Know you are being sent white light (which should be blinding you by now), prayers by the semi-truck load, and lots of healing energy in lots of different denominational ways...more than you will ever know.

You are Living Strong!

Fight! Fight! And don't forget that Kielbasa along the way. I'll send ya one if you need it. Just let me know.

I had the pleasure and the privilege of attending the call organized by the Canadian community last week and would, first of all, like to thank you. Namaste. Thank you for your energy and your "urgency" for sharing your knowledge and experience with us and most of all, thank you for the love you put into every second of the call.

I fell in love with co-active coaching more than a year ago and attended training in both Israel (where I lived for 10 years) and Spain (where I am from and where I have been living the past 8 months). I wrote not long ago, that the reason why I fell in love with co-active coaching is its first principle: the client is naturally creative, resourceful and whole. I wrote that as a coach and as a person, this is a principle that has a powerful impact on my way of perceiving the world and the people around me, since it reassures me of the greatness of the essence of humanity, of the greatness in each particular human being. You are, as are my clients, another perfect example of this greatness coming to light.

I have read your work and seen the Bigger Game model on paper before but it was your passion, your experience (not only as coach but as a human being dealing with sickness – which I believe connects us to the essence of our existence in a different, maybe more profound, way) and as I said, your love of life, of your work, of others that made an impact on me the night of the call.

I greatly admire your courage and your capacity for sharing yourself with others. From the way you spoke and what I have read in your blog, I feel you are living the moments fully although the present is now hard. I know cancer from up close, and all I can say is that I believe it is an experience that is unique to each being as all other experiences but that in all cases it entails a lot of pain, a lot of changes where choice seems to disappear and a lot of fears. Your voice did not deny all of these, but rather embraced them with courage and love and encouraged and inspired others with the wisdom acquired in this harsh part of your journey, to find that greatness within and bring it to light. You are a wonderful human being, Laura!

I send you a lot of energy and wish you will feel calm, joyful and rested. I hope these words find you with a smile upon your face and thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing what you have shared with me, and for taking the time to read this.

A soft warm hug from someone that is also with you wishing you all the best,

You are one the strongest, most courageous, most dynamic women I have ever met. Your strength has helped me stay strong. Your dynamism has helped my stay engaged. It's been nearly 5 years since I first had the chance to hear your voice and feel your energy. The impact you have had on me, on the CTI/Bigger Game communities, and on the world of coaching have been awesome. We are so grateful.

And here you are sharing your strength, your courageousness, and your humanity with us again. I am most touched by you openness and honesty. Even in this place (or maybe especially in this place), you reach out and give of who you are and what really matters to you. Thank you for your modeling of co-activity with all that life and its sometimes excruciating trials offer us. And thank you for inviting us to dig deeper as you are doing, deeper into your heart and soul, deeper into your relationships, and deeper into what it all means to you and to all of us. Your passions is inspiring.

Wherever your journey takes you, I wish you love, peace, serenity, and connection to self, to others, to all that is.

Laura, Don't ever worry that your posts are too long or aren't making good sense. With all that you and your body are going through I can see how you would feel tired, to say the least, but you share valuable insights for us to be on the ride with you. That is a real privilege for me.

Keep on the fight, the fight for life, because it is right! This is a huge disruption to your life, so confining, so frustrating, so tiring, but YOU are doing it. I think it is phenomenal that you are not in a hospital, so you are way, way ahead in this fight! How wonderful that you have such good supportand supporters.

Thank you, too, for sharing about the memorial day after tomorrow. I will be praying for your strength and health.

It is Friday morning and I woke up thinking of you and Judy. So here I am saying Hello, as I look out at the beach and sky and am grateful for all that I have.

I so look forward to seeing you all on Sunday,

Hip, Hip, Hooray,Only Two Days Away,I get to see Laura and Judy,And Play,Play, Play

Looking forward to being with you both and touching hearrts.

Life is still chaos on this end of the Bay, we just finished putting in the last floor this week, and we are still living in the chaos of mess and now it is time to throw away again as we put things back in place, but before that Clive and I get to Celebrate our 20th Wedding Anniversary in San Diego. We leave on Tuesday for a week. We will just leave the house as it is, maybe little angels will come in and make it all better.. I can still dream..

I am sending you my love and BIg HUGS until I can give them to you myself on Sunday.

I went to the ICF Conference in San Jose last November with very clear intentions, one of which was to reconnect with you! I was excited with anticipation when I went to your “Bigger Game” session hoping to learn more about what you have been up to and to see you and set up a time to chat and catch up only to find out that you were seriously ill and wouldn’t be there. I was shocked and saddened at the news. It was great to see you on your videotaped address to the group but I was disturbed and frightened for you. I happily ran into Henry House in the back of the room and he assured me that while, yes, you were ill, you were fighting it and doing everything you could to beat it.

I have meant to write you since then but have been at a loss as to what to say and have hesitated, wondering if it would be better to leave you alone to focus on getting well. But I want you to know the difference you have made in my life so I am going to attempt to express myself to you nonetheless. I wanted to reach out (as I am certain many, many have done) to express my love and appreciation of you for the dedication, sacrifice, love and leadership you have demonstrated over the past 15 years. It’s amazing to look back on all the time that’s passed since we first met through Robert (Middleton) in ‘91 and subsequently studied with Thomas (in your Pacific Heights living room : ), and, for a time, met regularly with Henry in your Priority One office to exchange notes and support each other with our businesses…good memories!). I am just blown away at what you and Henry and the community you have nurtured have created and grown since then!! You are certainly the “Mother” of coaching as we know it today as far as I’m concerned!

Laura, I LOVE being a coach! It’s who I am and what I am here for, and without my friendship with you and Henry in the beginning it is possible I wouldn’t have gotten off to as good a start and may have missed my calling all together!!

I have been building my coaching business on my own for years and have finally gotten to a place where I have developed a certain level of competence and confidence and been ready to reach out to the coaching community and to other successful coaches to learn and to contribute in whatever way I can. Initially, that is why I wanted to reconnect with you and Henry. But now I am reaching out to you to let you know that I feel a deep sense of love and appreciation for who you are, what you stand for and the contribution you have made to the field of coaching and to me personally!

It is my hope and prayer that you have a full recovery and are here for years to come spreading your love and contribution far and wide, just as you have these last 15 years.

I am “holding you in The Light”.Love!

Patrick

P.S. When you get well I would love to come visit you and have a long chat over a cup of tea! : )

I've been on a series of trips and events and all sorts of things with very little breathing room. Last weekend was a true highlight -- I officiated over the wedding of my nephew MIke and his new bride Andrea. It was such an amazing honor... and what a kick to say "...by the power vested in my by the Commonwealth of Massachusetts..." Yes, I particularly liked that part.

I have been confronted over and over again by my own questions about my own fights over this past year. They are miniscule alongside what you are facing everyday -- and yet the difficulty of really choosing to fight over and over again in big ways and in small is not always easy for me. Somehow in this past year I fell asleep a bit... put on 20 pounds or so... and now have woken up with the reality that the bar must be raised or I'll be having bypass surgery very soon... and I thought that the fight had abated... On some level, in my world, the fight is not something that ends - it is a choice to be made now and now and now and now.

I am thinking of you both every day and send you hugs and prayers and lots of love ---

It's a beautiful Saturday morning here and I've started it off by reading your last few postings. I just changed the settings on my internet program so that this was my home page again. It used to be that way, but when my computer crashed, I just carried on with what came with the program. Ain't that just the way of things? It's so easy to settle for what doesn't work, just because it takes a little more effort to have it be just as I want it.

As I read your recent posts and was filled with tears - moved, inspired, and filled with empathy for how hard you're fighting... especially when it's so NOT fun - I felt guilty and ashamed about all the places I settle for what doesn't really work in my life. Mind you, this is really healthy guilt and shame. This is clearly what those feelings are for - to help redirect us when we stray... to realign with what's right.... to get our insides to match our outsides. Integrity.

So many things to juggle and battle and sort and be with. It has me thinking not only about whether or not I'd fight for my life (there's a big fat question) but also has me thinking about how hard I'm willing to work and fight for whatever it is I want in this life. There are places I give up so easily! There are others that I stick it out and push through the hard stuff. I see my clients give up before they start sometimes. Me too. (Though I haven't taken TBG, I'm guessing this is the territory of that work??)

Lately I've been fighting for my health. I'm not sick. I'm actually very well - maybe better than ever. AND, I'm still fighting for my health. You see, I went and got really clear about what I WANT. I stopped listening to people who said "but you look great".... or people who feel worse about themselves as I go for what I want. I started to listen to the bigger yearning inside me and looking for a bigger something that would call to me.

I've never thought of myself as someone who liked "goals". I never liked setting them, because to me they were a formula for ultimate misery and self-loathing as I watched myself fail to meet them. Over the months of reading your blog, that's shifted. So now, M'dear, I have a very clear goal. Funny thing is, it's not the BIG goal. The vision of what I'm headed for in the bigger picture of my life still isn't clear enough to create a goal, but I know that getting to where I can even see what that is will take me meeting smaller goals along the way.

It's like this... In seven years (when my kids are out of school), I intend to launch myself into an amazing stretch of my life where I have the biggest, most luscious impact of my life. I see so clearly that my 50's on up will be the most delicious period of my life. The stretch where I am used so well, where my soul is stretched to its limit, perhaps to the point of no return. (that's bold)

It may seem problematic that I have very little idea of what that's going to be. No worries. Though I don't know what it's going to be, I do know what I need to do to begin to prepare for that time.

What will I need? I'll need to be healthy as a horse so my body is my greatest resource, rather than the reason I can't. I'll need financial fitness, so I can manage the risk factors and have the freedom that comes with awareness and responsibility. I'll need to develop certain areas of my leadership. ((((I'm wanting to shift from needing to wanting here... because these are really deep wants))) I want to reawaken the artist in me on some level. I want to develop my abilities to play and love deeply. I want to keep healing the old wounds so I'm clear and present and can dance with whatever I encounter.

I could go on and on, but you get the idea. And so I begin with very clear goals around my health. From there, I'll move to very clear goals around my financial fitness. In between I keep weaving in bits of the other stuff - creating an art studio in my basement, playing more, deepening a loving relationship, therapy, coaching, etc...

You inspire me so profoundly. I'm not so sure the changes I've been making would come with half the commitment I've given them without your inspiration. I see you're scheduled to lead leadership, that you have goals out in the future beyond the current biggies of staying alive and living well. You have things you're getting to and claiming FULL HEALTH is essential to the process.

You ARE strong enough to survive this detox process! You ARE brave enough to drink the nasties! You ARE smart enough to always look past the news of the day (test results) to see the bigger picture! You ARE persistent enough and BOLD enough to be ALIVE with URGENCY! You ARE loved and supported enough to lean in and be helped through it all.

Fight the Fight!Fight the only Fight that's Right!Fight for LIFE!Fight the Fight!

AND WIN!!!!! Go Laura GO!!

Sending you a massive Michigan hug from a growing smaller Michigan woman!

You have been on my mind a lot in the last few days, so I'm inspired to be in touch. From the last posting I read in this area, it sounds like something has happened to one of your family members. I am praying that you will have the energy to be present with anything that comes up today. I know what it feels like to lose a family member and I am certain you will want support and love to hold you up.

I want to share with you some of the wonderful leadership opportunities I am playing with these days. I am running for a board position on the CALL board of directors. I am going to run the Tribal Council along with Ross. We are trying to inspire co-active positions for all roles on the board, so it is interesting that people are hesitant to go there. Isn't coactivity what it is all about??!!

I am also actively bringing Coaching Fundamentals into SAS with Art Shirk. If we weren't both with partners already, I'd snatch him up! He is awesome and has agreed to be my mentor and coach throughout this train the trainer period and certification.

Speaking of certification, who designed the process and manual. It is extraordinary!!!! I am so impressed with the criteria and the professional requirements. I can see myself leading these calls and being a supervisor eventually.

The Earthquakes are scattered, and we are starting to come back together. We had a community call yesterday with only 7 people, but that is a start. I am so aware of the concept of "create from here," that I don't worry anymore if we are "doing it right." I want so much more for all of the EARTHQUAKES, when do you "give up?"

The last thing I want to share is a deeper awareness of my addiction with food. I have only been "abstinent" for 8 days, but the fog in my brain is lifting and I am experiencing new emotions for the first time. Now I have to learn to handle them without eating. The food numbs out the fears or anxiety and now I get to face it all. Yippee!!

I pray for you often and wish you well on this day. I will be back frequently.

Thinking of you and Judy today on this Monday after your brother's memorial service. It's cloudy and cold here.... seems like a good day to cocoon and introspect. May you find peace today and feel loved and held in the many arms that wrap you from near and far.

So wonderful to be with you yesterday and see your glowing face -- you are getting more beautiful each time I see you. It is the face of ALIVENESS, The joy of meeting each day with a fierceness to live the best you can. And Live you Do ... and I am so honored to witness you as you FIGHT the good FIGHT.

May you have a successful trip to Mexico and may it be easy and be of great benefit to you and your body.

Just found my (larger) posting in the wrong place on your blog, it’s in the area reserved for YOU!

So sorry, but there it is if you want it. (And I wondered how all those people had managed to post in the wrong place. OOPS! Now I get it.)

I just read on your blog how you are being called to return to Mexico on short notice. I wish you safe travels—angels under the wings of your plane to make it a smooth ride, beautiful clouds to stare at out the window, and very effective practices once you’re there.

I wish you that the bad guys from the dissolving tumors drain out—quit their fighting. And that the good guys (your immune system, et al) receive all the nourishment you are pouring into your body.

There is so much love coming your way, from literally all around the world; I wish you “rest” inside the fight, in whatever way that works for you.

IF ANYONE WOULD LIKE TO JOIN IN A "VIRTUAL" GROUP MEDITATION/VISUALIZATION FOR LAURA'S RESTORED HEALTH AND WELL BEING, PLEASE JOIN ME EVERY/ANY NIGHT FROM 7 - 7:30PM PACIFIC TIME....OR POST ONE FOR YOUR TIME ZONE AND WE CAN KEEP HER COVERED AROUND THE CLOCK!

Hi LauraAndy Denne here.Fascinated by your posting about fighting.....jeez its a good question and place to get curios...Do we fight death? Do we fight for life? Damn good questions that are tricky to be with.I have no answers, and am willing to walk in the question.....

I wonder if what i fight for is the future...

Damn, i havent got a clue.

What i know is that i love you. I send you love and heling light as the core/soul of you stands still in the storm of the battle

My sweet Laura, in Process when you and Karen and Jeanine had me go to what I couldn't be with, it was that which has prevented my posting.

Loss

Forever learning and growing and forgetting and falling asleep and waking up again. You know the cycles.

I still have the fricken' sticker (Loss) in my old 1997 binder with the funky stretched out oval logo that shoulda been round. Weren't those days a blast?

I hold my head low and beg forgiveness for the abandonment. I'm leaning in to my tears and letting them fertilize my arms, hands, and jeans and now the carpet.

I know you know. You see.

I'm present now.

I've returned from the dessert honoring Ilene Kouzel in ceremony on WhiteEagle's sacred land. What joy it is to celebrate the living. Why must we continue with the patterns of sharing how much people mean to us after they transition? Wouldn't it be cool to be able to know so we could all have a celebration of life party? I think so. I want one. I believe this blog is yours.

So, Woo Hoo! You are one of my internal rocks. Solid glacial polished granite and shiny. You know, the kind you can slide down on your butt and accidently get a hole in your jeans. It's fun though.

This is a quick visit as it's time for me to slide on out of the office and get my cat to the vet. Aren't you glad you don't have to be all closed up in a box with holes traveling on a towel when you go to the doctor?

Hello dear Laura - I cannot imagine what it's like to be in such fierceness - fierceness of listening to the ever changing landscape of your body and learning to decipher what it's telling you; fierceness to live; and fierceness to really calling us forth to be with you on this ever deepening sacred journey of yours.

More than ever the image of the trust fall comes up - and as we - your caring friends choose to come and go according to our needs - you are fiercely calling us forth to be there for and with you - every step of the way. Thank you for being so fierce and courageous with your constant reminder and request that you need us with you.

Purple on your body and a trip to Mexico in short order - I just want you to know that I am standing firmly on the ground to help hold you as you fall back even more deeply into our outstretched arms.

Dear Laura,I have thought today about what I'd like to say to you, and came up with these words:I love you.I respect you.I admire you, a lot.So I also try to send you "the best of luck & good fortune" in your battle.Love, David

I'm watching "So You Think You Can Dance?" and thinking about you, and Judy and Trish (smile). They are down to the top 20 and they are SO good! I don't seem to recall any of these folks from the audition rounds.

Hello. I'm here and sending you...something. I don't know what it is or what it becomes when it surrounds you. I think it's a mixture, potent, of love/caring and deep, life-affirming breaths. A cocktail of sorts. Please sip away!

Hello, Laura - just a short message to let you know that you remain in my thoughts daily. And every time I think of you, I sent vibes of love and comfort your way. I am so sad that you continue to go through this ordeal and if there was a way to partition out this tough experience for you, I know many of us would sign up for a portion to alleviate your experience. It seems like too much for any one soul to carry. And know that even if we can't assist you physically, we are here spiritually for you and with you. Receive my love, as it's being sent to you at this moment...

Thinking about you and hope that you are able to find a few laughs and giggles along the way. I know that cancer is not one bit funny or fun but wish you a smile and a laugh anyway on the fight path....Sending you the biggest smile ever with shining white teeth that radiate out to you and bask you in healing white light:)))

I think about you every day and have been wondering about the right inspirational thing to say that will really change your day....truth is I am just me and sometimes not so inspirational. When I read your blog I am re-awakened to life - my life - and its impermanence. So I enjoy the birds, the sun, the brief moment of joy and calm. I am really grateful - profoundly grateful - to be awake to enjoy these things.

I think one of the great gifts you have given me - and your gifts are the ones that keep on giving years later - is the enjoyment of being me. I thank you for that.

And in your fight, I learn what it looks like to be a warrior. Even when your knees are weak from the fight. Even when you are tired and scared.

I have to be honest, I am a bit scared, fearful. I can only imagine that you must also have some of that fear - but perhaps not. Perhaps it's a different emotion. Whatever it is, I see you bold taking action, and walking through this latest gulp, the gulp delivered to you. You get to choose your reaction, and you are so very consistent.

Fight the FightFight for LifeFight the Only Fight That's Right

And you choose what's right for you.

I am SOOO rooting for you, praying for you, and loving you, and on so many fronts, for so many reasons. Some of them may be selfish - you are such a role model, and a mentor, and an incredible world changer. I want more of that. And I know how much energy it gives you when you are able to play this strength. I want that for you - Laura on purpose, energized, illuminated, illuminating.

So, I will see you that way, because you are that way, regardless of the circumstances. True to self, and what a gift.

Thinking a lot of you these days. Paris is sunny, really hot for a few days early this week, Kulla suffering, spraying her every 15 mintues to try to cool her down. Off this weekend to look at at least four farms in the Vosges mountains in eastern France. And even in buying a house I think of playing a Bigger Game! Christophe's Mom said, don't worry about having space for others worry about your own needs. (She has not been to a Bigger Game workshop.)

Space for others. I am still on that question of Would You Fight? It almost sounds like you, too. It certainly sounds like you learned how fucking hard you could fight, like when you are in it it doesn't feel like you're at your limit but there you are. Part of me I think has always felt like I wouldn't fight. But that has been a small part.

I had some of the fight feeling when in Central Africa during the end of my Peace Corps years. Evacuation, military mutiny, emergency departure. What got me through was helping the eight others who were getting out too. I would only fight if I thought others needed me to.

What's the scale for fighting? In lots of my life I don't fight that hard. I do work, but that's a comfort zone if there ever was one. How many of us would fight? Help someone else fight? Help someone decide when they have fought enough. How could you ever know that? I've got more questions than ever.

Hi again Laura and Judy and all,I am hungry for news - information please! How is Mexico? More importantly - how is Laura in Mexico? Or at home? Where in the world is Laura Whitworth? I have checked here twice today, hoping for news. And each visit is like a prayer. With lots of little prayers in between.

I can only imagine how tense it might be where you are, and I find myself on the edge of my seat, too. So, if anyone has heard news from Laura, please get permission to post an update on her behalf.

Also, what's Laura's birthdate? I want to look up her Birth Angels (see Amazon.com for info on this very intriquing book). And then send special prayers via these angels.

What good news, your trip to Mexico saw good results, and needed results. I think home is good medicine too, so much comfort in the familiar feel of a room, a chair, a window. Comfort of the familiar scents found there. I hope you have some roses in bloom, ahhhh such beauty. I wonder if there is one named Laura?

Enjoy all the sunshine you can and watch your shadow dance to.....

Fight the Fight!Fight the only Fight that's Right!Fight for LIFE!Fight the Fight!

So glad to hear that you are home. It sounds as if the trip was a success. I will continue to hold you and Judy in my prayers. I hope you can sit outside a bit and enjoy this great weather. Keep fighting....and resting.Love,Debra

Hi, Sweet Laura - I'm so glad you are home. Somehow the world seems more right when you're sleeping in your own bed, sitting in your favorite chair, surrounded by your favorite things. And you continue the healing. Lots of wonderful, beautiful healing.

How WONDERFUL that your trip was so successful! I've been rooting for you from the side lines. I had a mantra going for you the other day as I ran. Think back to high school football games when the cheerleaders would chant - Push 'em back, Push 'em back, WAaaay Back. This mantra was like that "Clean 'em out, Clean 'em out, ALL OUT". I pictured the little scrubbing bubbles guys detoxing your cells, liver, everything that holds toxins.

YEA YEA YEA for ALIVE AND WELL....So HAPPY to learn that you are noticing Alive and Well climbing this very very big mountain..I feel in my heart that you are almost on the summit...its cold up there but you have all the right gear and will be warm..probably a little tired.....dont forget to ENJOY the view:)

Welcome home, may the sun shine on you today and bleach away the toxins and the cancer. My mom's lymphoma has turned aggressive this spring and she's fighting with a new chemo. I think of you both when in my cardio-kick-boxing class and send the jabs and hooks and roundhouse kicks right to those deserving cancer cells.

Hello, dear Laura - Just checking in to let you know that I'm thinking of you right now. I'm hoping that this week is less hectic for you than last week and that you are feeling better. How about some nice, quiet, effortless, stress-less healing? That sounds nice, huh? I wish it for you!

I want you to know how your words are spreading beyond your blog to touch the hearts and spirit of others. As a hospice volunteer, I was introduced to a woman, almost a year-and-a-half ago, who was diagnosed with lung cancer. Though she has since elected to suspend hospice care, we continue to deepen our friendship, without the structure of hospice. I have often mentioned you to her regarding your fight, so that now, during every visit, she asks me “how is your friend doing?” I report back to her the “blog news." She does not own a computer, so she has no access to the blog site directly. During our phone call this week she asked if I could bring her a copy of your writings (she specifically requested me to bring writings about the “hard parts”). So, yesterday, when we got together, I brought her a printed compilation of your words from the past month (15 pages worth). I had copied your words from the blog site and pasted them into document form. I left them with her to read at her leisure.

Within hours of leaving this paper-clipped buddle with her, I received a phone call from her. She called to let me to know how powerful your words had been for her. She talked about how she could relate to everything you wrote…the new cough after treatment, the hard places, how she felt she knew you, your power, and the truth you captured. She said it was as if you had written the words that she was thinking. Your words, as she put it, were “alive!” for her. I asked her if I could share her response with you. She said “yes” and for me to specifically tell you that after reading your words, “I felt my spiritual heart open and I welcomed her.” She wants to read the book about cancer that you are writing, and for me to let her know how soon she can get her edition. She is giving the blog site address to her children, so they can share your words, together. Her excitement and joy was the result of you expressing your truth, whether it’s reminding us to “savor” or of the “cloudy hard places” that you courageously share with us. You continue to touch and open hearts in big and unimaginable ways…

How wonderful to hear your wonderful voice today and to read your post, it was great to hear of your trip and hear your inquiries about living with cancer and feeling good. I just love how the mind works. It is truly an amazing piece of our bodies.

I just returned from San Diego with hubby Clive and had a wonderful celebration of 20 years of our Marriage Vows, we loved Coronado and the ocean was always so close. I thought of you during my trip and was sending lot of love and good healing energy

May your day today take on a feeling of ease and may you welcome the good feelings as they caress you.

Thank you for the reminders to live each moment and be grateful for what we have. I love walking and hiking and sending love and gratitude to my feet and my legs and my toes with much thanks that I can walk and what a gift that is to me. May we always remember the pure joy of living each moment.

I have this moment to send you my love and gratitude for your aliveness and joy that you bring so many. I am grateful for this moment.

I've been searching for a fight cheer. By the way, it was really wonderful of you to ask for one. The is one from my family and I don't know if it works as a cheer or not, but I'll give it a go anyway.

My long-time stepfather, who was wicked-smart, sexy, and had a wry sense of humor--think Johnny Carson, and my Mom were on a trip to the Caribbean. And they landed at some big airport, like on Puerto Rico, first. But then they had to get to one of this "little" islands. So, they were scheduled onto a so-called puddle jumper.

The plane looked old, the pilot looked like he had spent too much time in a bar, and the flight, while it lasted, was rough. The landing was a dubious affair. Finally the plane bounced to a stop and the passengers sat there, stunned and silent. Then the pilot cheerfully announced:

Well folks! We cheated death once again.

Everyone started to breathe again and they all got off the plain, their Caribbean adventure off to a rolicking start.

For my family, this became a refrain. At the end of any journey, however perilous or tame, when we arrived at our destinattion, we'd say: "Cheated death once again."

For us, I think it worked as a reminder that life is Risky Business of the highest order.

And last, not to be too significant, but when things get really hard, dark-night-of-soul-hard, I think of some lines from a poem called "Carrion Comfort" by Gerard Manley Hopkins, which begins:

Not, I'll not, Carrion Comfort, Despair, not feast on thee.Not untwist, slack they may be, these last strands of man in me,Or, most weary, cry: I Can No More.I can. Can something. Hope. Wish day come. Not choose not to be.

What I love about this poem is how the suffering and the fight are right next to each other, given equal fire. This is not an idealized suffering and not a wimpy sort of resistance. These are real; this guy has been through it. I also love how it starts with "Not. I'll not." And then goes on to--"I can. Can something." I can just feel this guy dig in his heels, sit down in the muck, and then turn away and start crawling and clawing back in another direction--toward something good, not just the resistance of something bad.

There you have it: two fight cheers, of a sort, from my world.

So happy you are back from Mexico, safe and sound, and delighted for your days in the sun in Sebastopol.

Hi Darling Laura--Caroline here. I mean literally, here, in your house. I have been on the road and mostly out of the country for the last two months, and now I am nestled in your own pool house at 6:00 am, cozy under the bedspread, listening to the birds, and reading your blog before going to the work in which you are my esteemed colleague. I will soon take a bath in the very tub where you detox regularly. It feels wonderful to be in physical proximity to you. And, when I am many thousands of miles away, I send you love, prayers, and white light many times a day. It has become a habit, like good oral hygiene, to consciously love Laura each day.

I had a wonderful visit with Ilene Kouzel in New Mexico where she was hanging out a bit with the CGTers and preparing for her own ceremony/celebration later in the month. She told me how fortunate she felt to have a terminal illness for which there is no known cure and precious few treatments, because it pointed her toward spending her time living exactly the way she wants to--making art and poetry and play--rather than spending her days swallowing icky potions, hooked up to IVs, fighting the cancer fight. I saw the terrible joy in her words. And I see the resolute courage in your commitment to the fight, day after day after day. Your description of the need for daily vigilance to not let down, especially when there is nothing to do--no action to take--reminds me a bit of woman with threatened pregnancies who are put on total bed rest. Their job is to take care of themselves, do absolutely nothing, and grow life. Challenging indeed for the doers among us. Your job is to keep up the wearisome work to preserve life, keep drinking those juices that can't be disguised as martinis no matter what glasses you choose, to keep slamming down those horsepill supplements, to enjoy the sun on your face whenever you can. I stand in awe at your commitment, what you are learning and teaching, how richly you are living into the fight for your life. I stand is awe and love every single day.

I send you love, Laura. And prayers. And fan letters. And cheers. And I look forward to hugs with you and Judy later in this day.

Hi, dear Laura - I just read your latest post and am sitting here smiling widely thinking of you having a great day and feeling so much better. What a wonderful blessing and a delicious treat! And I'm sending lots of love your way so that you have many more days like these ahead of you, as you continue to heal!

I'm sitting in a hotel room in downtown Minneapolis resting after the flights to get here. Thinking, thinking, so much of you. Remembering so many of your words, Henry's words, and all of our tribe's words from the last year. Aware, in a new way, of my impact in every moment....that's something I learned from you. So, tonight I'll venture out to this medical conference that I've been attending for the last 20 years, but now I will be intending to have an impact, how fun is that?

Happy summer days, Laura. I did look up to see if there was a rose by that name and found there is. :)

Your last post was so-o-o-o good. Your sharing of thoughts, fears, feeling good, feeling pain, being cranky, being happy, allows all of us to understand more, really understand more, of what goes on in your fight for life. Moments of calm, moments of fatigue, moments of uncertainty, moments of happiness and joy and I just want to thank you for giving us a glimpse into that world. Also for the challenges you send out.

We spent time with some of my long-time friends this weekend - went camping on the San Mateo coast at Costanoa near where my friends and I had worked at summer camp together. It was beautiful and the weather was surprisingly warm for that area of the coast. We did not see many birds, but we DID have an animal visit the outside of our tent at 1:30 in the morning - scratching with its little claws at something - but luckily not at us!

Exactly one year ago today, one of those friends found out -by complete chance - that she had a tumor the size of a baseball in one of her ovaries. They removed it and diagnosed her with a very low-grade ovarian cancer. It had not spread at all (she was very lucky). She was 37 at the time.

She did not need to do chemo or radiation afterwards, and from what we understand, didn't have a lot of follow up care due to the fact that it was such a "low risk" situation. However, she has had some odd health issues since that she attributes to the forced early menopause that she had to go through as a result of the surgery.

We both found ourselves in that place of wanting to engage with our friend around some of the alternative health research and info and "the fight" that we have discussed in our conversations with you. BUT - we did not want to be impolite - or assume - or offend - or make her feel bad for not having done more or questioned more - or - or - or - or...and so we said nothing. Granted, this friend is not someone who we would describe as incredibly "open" to alternative health ideas, and her personality is such that she very well could have been offended. But we were disturbed that both of us were tongue-tied and said nothing -though we had much to say.

Afterward we reflected on it and were reminded about how just a week ago we had discussed with you and Judy the very issue of saying nothing or saying little rather than risk being impolite or saying something that might be offensive - and we were quite disturbed at how easily we fell into that trap- even with a good friend. What might have happened if we had engaged with her on some of this stuff…? She might have been offended our put out…but she might have been willing to listen, or even been interested in what we had to say, too. She might have even been glad that we chose to engage instead of retreat...

Opportunity lost in that particular moment, but now that we are conscious of it we can't just sit back and leave it alone…. We will find our way back to it -though it may be a challenge -and we will deal with the consequences whatever they may be. We will keep you posted on what happens and in the meantime wanted to share it here on the Blog because it is such an interesting thing…the way we can so easily fall into silence on these types of "hard" or "uncomfortable" life issues - even when we are supposedly "conscious." It is fascinating and we will continue to chew on it.

Be well and enjoy the sunshine this week. We are sending you good thoughts and know that each night - we continue to share our fish oil toast to you and to our health!

Great question about would I fight for my life. Honestly? If it was a short fight, yes.

If it was a long fight, I really don't know - I know I'd fight for the lives of those I love most. But, while I don't invite the end of my life right now, I feel very peaceful and happy and somehow fighting for that seems like something that could destroy those very things that I hold so dear and that give my life meaning. Until I'm faced with that situation, I guess I'll never know...

Thanks so much for candidly sharing your truth - I can feel the white light coming from you and I magnify that and send it back to you.

White, positive, blinding, calm, energetic light headed your way!

Keep up the great work - I'm picturing you jumping the hurdles, one by one, in the sunshine!

I am grateful for the "good" days that you have had recently. For the freedom, for the relief, and for the questions. I can't wait to see you tomorrow and give you a squeeze. 23 new leaders coming in under yours and Karen's influence. I wonder, do they know how lucky they are?

So wonderful to hear from you and know that you are enjoying some good days. I heard the Blooming Backyard day was fabulous. Glad you were able to enjoy yourself and feast in the beauty of flowers and sun.

I had some couisins visit from Florida this weekend, I have seen then about 4-5 times in my life and mostly when I was younger, so I met them as an adult with their spouses and we had a wonderful time visiting. It was truly amazing how family connection are just there, as their Dad was my Dad's brother and we had some much to share that was similar about our growing up. What a wonderful treat for me, and the family resemblence was definitely there.

I am enjoying your enjoying life ... I will be sending you lots of love and light this week and you co-lead with Karen ... I know both of you will be brillant and your group will benefit from the experince. How could it be otherwise.

One of the things I love most about you is how infectious your excitement is and how pure and alive your inquisitiveness is! Your invitations are impossible to pass by so here's my experiences with veggies and juicing:

In the last 3 years I haven't had an illness other than mental! Anytime I've felt like I've been coming down with a cold or catching the latest virus going around, I get out the juicer for a couple of days and whatever was trying to take hold in my system, vanishes.

It's never just the one thing - at the same time that i juice I also take sugar completely out of my diet and I increase the number of times a week that I eat steamed veggies.

I've eaten copious amounts of fresh veggies daily for over 15 years and I'd say that given my sloth-ness over the last 10 years, my diet has been my saving grace. It'helps that steamed broccoli is my favorite food!

My experience with juicing is that it cleanses my blood and gives my cells a jump start of concentrated nutrients. That flush of nutrients becomes the predominate presence in my blood, cells, and organs. It overshadows and out numbers any viral or bacterial presence and keeps it from gaining ground.

Juicing also gives my body a needed break from processing food which gives it the chance to invigorate my organs and glands out of stagnancy and brings in a vitality. Kind of how your car feels when it gets a really good tune up!

On to gawking and the impact that Cancer has on our perceptions: I've had the privilege of gawking on the sidelines of your journey through cancer for 2 years and I have to say that I don't take some things so lightly anymore. I don't dismiss those things that I know are toxic like teflon pans, tupperware, and toothpaste. I've started to make different choices and as Nora Ephron said: "I'm sad about teflon" but I've moved on to Le Crueset, glass storage containers, and tea tree toothpaste!

The way we think about cancer and it's expected impact is the same way we've been prone to think about enlightenment and it's expected impact - we thought we'd become pious and demure. Instead, we become more ourselves, more outrageously our true selves and thank god for that! If we have cancer to thank for the emergence of more of who you, we, are then I bow to cancer and if it's cancer that brings us, one by one to the altar of ourselves, then I'll be giving my thanks at that altar!

In speaking with a friend this weekend who has lymphoma and just found out he also has prostate cancer, we laughed about what we consider good luck these days. He was feeling exceptionally lucky that the prostate cancer was caught early and could be eliminated by simply removing the prostate.

Through the mirror of your life and your day to day journey with cancer, I’ve been changed. I'm lucky and blessed to have the [new] experience of fulfillment...pure, un-leveraged fulfillment of every moment. A fulfillment that's unbiased by what I'm doing or where I am. A few guru's and a thousand mountaintops later - it's seeping in and I feel lucky to be walking with you in co-active witness.

You rock. It was sooooo good to spend a little time with you last week and kiss your sweet face. I'm so glad that you're at the mother tree this week diving into a new leadership group... they are very lucky.

I'm starting a new sort of "cleansing diet" routine... haven't quite figured it out yet... but basically I'm going back to the basics of mostly fresh vegetables and good lean protein sources... this is primarily prompted by the need to get my arteries healthier and certainly given a boost from reading your blog and talking to you. Now that I have a chunk of time at home I can get a better start.

Hello Laura, and all (because I too enjoy all the comments here, from Art, and Isha, and Shekinah, and Maria and k'duite (old friend of Laura, right?), and Helen, and many more, some of that I know, and some that I don't. And yet I get to know you all a little bit. And I am learning from all of you.

On veggies, and juicing... I have done a lot of reading, and I'm far from an expert. My most recent experience is with a couple of detox diets designed by nutritionist Ann Louise Gittleman - (Fat Flush, and the Fast Track Detox Diet). Her basic nutritional focus is on detoxification for optimal health, and she believes in lots of veggies, some fruits, and high quality (grass-fed organic where possible) protein. Her books are very well-written, very educational. My experience with both detox diets this spring was VERY positive. After withdrawing from caffeine (day 1), and a few days of feeling lethargic, my head cleared, and I simply felt "lighter" and less bloated, more comfortable overall. I lost a little weight, and I actually also got rid of some cellulite (which I thought was physically impossible). Several friends did this detox with me, and we all had similar experiences. And have vowed to make this a lifestyle change (which can sometimes be a struggle!).

As far as juicing, we tried it briefly in the midst of Dan's fight. Not enough to feel different. Then, it was like me pushing a boulder uphill. No one was committed, and I gave up. AND now I find myself getting curious again, especially since I can't get my 3 year old to eat veggies! Maybe I can sneak them into her protein smoothie!

Looking forward to hearing from others re: their experience!

Isha, what do you use instead of Teflon, and what brand of glass containers did you find!??

Laura, I am excited that you are doing what you love this week. Looking forward to connecting next week!

Love,

Melissa

P.S. Everyone - you MUST see "An Inconvenient Truth", and go to www.climatecrisis.net. Amazing, scary, unbelievable, very believable. Huge Bigger Game and call to action. GO - See the movie!

Happy July 4th everyone ! ! ! Hope wherever you are .. you life is blasting out all over...

May all beings live with freedom.May all beings everywhere live in peaceMay all beings everywhere be safe and protected

L:aura, Thinking of you this week as I know you are just being who you are at the Leadership Retreat and I know everyone is having a awesome time. Wish I could be a fly on the wall.

Loving the blog energy on juicing and diet and all the great minds that come here to share their stories and lives. I love steamed veggies, I have only attempted juicing at Laura and Judy's when they made one up for me and it really taste great. Haven't gotten there as yet, but you never know as I do love veggies.

Clive and I steam at least four different veggies each night with a small portion of protein. I changed a lot of how I eat about 5 years ago and I continue to enhance it with better foods so everyone's input is wonderful on this blog and I thank you all.

This blog is a real community of sharing and sending love to Laura, Judy and everyone that participates. What a wonderful happening ! ! As Melissa said, I am getting to know a lot of you and I have never even met you, but through your words and thoughts I have come to know you and love your words and stories and poems.

Thank you Laura, for brining this community of souls together. Have a wonderful 4th of July.

I just got back from 3 weeks in Ireland visiting my in-laws. My father in law was rushed to hospital a week after I arrived and remains there. He is 87 and a fighter. He will probably get home again - but first they are putting some help in place for him and my wonderful mother-in-law who is finding it hard to manage as he gets less able to look after himself.

So I just got caught up on your blog today and was delighted to hear you are leading a Co-Active Leadership group with Karen. Wow -they are so fortunate to have you two! So glad you feel up to it.

What if 'spiritual' was also feisty, action oriented and bossy? Just a thought!

It's Canada Day here and the weather is wonderful. Have a fantastic 4th of July. You are in my heart. Love Barbara :}

I spent some of this morning basking in memories of your presence with us Earthquakes. My lovely friend, Jessica, is an Otter with you now and hearing her enthusiasm reminds me of the gifts you opened me to as well. I'm glad to hear that you're leading Otters this time rather than Tsunamis or Forest Fires or something. They sound playful and fun!

I got back last night from 2 weeks in the wilderness of New Mexico and Colorado, having blessed the lands I traveled with tears of gratitude for how beautiful and wild it all is. The first week I spent on a walkabout with four others who work with groups, "creating the conditions for collective wisdom to emerge". We developed our practices of evoking collective wisdom not just from groups but from the land itself....a very rich and powerful experience in such an awe-inspiring landscape. We occasionally brought writings to our circle and, reading your blog, this one comes to mind so I thought I'd share it. I'm only quoting a couple of the verses.

WALKING

My foot rises. Before it fallsthere is a tiny momentwhen neither of my feet are really carrying weight-a suspension, a moment of physical trust.Something in me knows that the ground will still be there. Let me return to this innate knowledge-this ancient confidence.

My foot falls. The ground rises up to meet it. A holy, ordinary moment is repeating itself. All the time I am meeting and being met like this. Your whole creation is ground.Help me to remember that in this mutualitywe can become home for each other. Your are asking us slowly to become Your holy site.

-Gunilla Norris

The cancer journey you're sharing with us sure illuminates the rhythms of risk and trust, of meeting and being met, of faith and fear, that she describes here. I loved the writing b/c it gives me each of my footsteps as a meditation on the nature of much larger things in life....things like the journey you're on....and the other journeys all of us are on.

Yes, Laura, I'm here....not much of a blogger but wanting to give you my presence and let you know how delighted I am to have the opportunity to be with someone else experiencing your leadership as an observer this time....soaking in more and more from a different perspective. I'm so happy you're feeling well and taking another tribe on.

A huge sloppy kiss to you (I know you hate those, but I thought I could get away with it in cyberspace)....Love, Grace

I find myself checking several times a day to see if you have written anything new. I miss your words and knowing where you are. I'd love to hear a bit about last week with the Otters and Karen.I'm sending you big hugs.

Laura Dear--What did you discover about "spiritual" in the Mother Tree event room last week? The touch of spirit is definitely in that space and I know you felt it. Did it give you any extra energy? Did it make you smile? Breathe deeper? I'm thinking that aliveness/living well is manifestation of spirit, becuase you can't be fully alive without full presence, and when you are fully present to your life, spirit yoo-hoos "Hello, how 'bout tea?"

anyway, I have been thinking about you there, rocking people worlds, all last week. And I hope you're getting well-earned rest this week. Much love to you, as always--Caroline

Isha sent me your bog address. ..Thanks Isha as I will be here in Pheonix for a while and I've been hungry for news of you.

I'm so grateful to be here with my family and with my dad. As he makes this final journey home, he is so beautiful. . .tender, thoughtful and loving to all. Grateful for the smallest attention. Loves to be touched so we take turns sitting by his side and "petting"him.

My sisters are here as is my beloved niece. He has made a point to have a "one on one" with each of his daughters and all three grandchildren who are here. I can't begin to describe what it is like.

I carry you in my heart always dear Laura and send you cheers and courage and hope and my love.

I did not have the pleasure of meeting Laura, but she has impacted my life nonetheless. I am so grateful to her for helping create the magnificent field of coaching and for writing Co-Active Coaching which is just brilliant! So, Laura, your influence has rippled from Northern CA all the way to Central Florida. Thank you!

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