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I have loved food my entire life...and for nearly seventeen years, I loved it entirely too much.
Imprisoned by the shackles of bulimia-which practically killed me and yanked me and my dance career from the "Great Stage" I was dancing on at the time-I obsessed about food, my body, the scale, etc.
Today I work hard to maintain the recipe of recovery that continues to provide me happiness and serenity. Some days I have to add a bit more of this or that, but recovery mainly comes down to the same basic ingredients.
Having been in recovery for years, I know that recovery truly is about progress, not perfection. My eating disorder and recovery has set the stage for my life today: working as an eating disorder therapist. Moreover, I'm about to make my debut as an author, publishing a memoir about my battle with bulimia while dancing professionally in NYC. I feel so fortunate to get to work in the ED field and help others daily by spreading the message of recovery.
My blog is about much more than food and the juxtaposed obsessions; it's about life and how to live it. Change and recovery is possible!

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Gaining, by Amy Liu

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Weathering the Season of Triggers

As the holiday season nears, I can think of a multitude of reasons why I LOVE this time of year: the leaves changing color, the cooler weather (yes, even in Florida), the holiday decorations adorning street lights and store fronts, the holidays and the gratitude and cheer, family gatherings, getting to wear scarves and warm fuzzy socks, etc.

These, however, are the same reasons I dread this time of year. During this season, my eating disorder, even in recovery, loves to remind me where I can find emotional "support" if the craving for comfort comes my way.

Here's how my eating disorder works: As grateful as I am NOT to be bingeing and purging anymore, I couldn't help but get entranced by a certain package of cookies at the grocery store the other evening. The setup, and it was a setup, albeit self-inflicted,came on the first cool evening in Florida. I was home by myself, I needed to go to the grocery store, and I was longing for that feeling of coziness. As I made my way through the grocery store and down the cracker aisle, which happens to share space with the cookie aisle (how rude!), I got hung up on this sinfully sweet package I used to binge on. I have to admit, I romanticized the idea of such a treat seducing my palette, and I even went as far as entertaining myself by looking at the efficacy in indulging in a serving or two.

As it turns out, the benefits (instant gratification and temporary emotional fulfillment) did not outweigh the costs (guilt and "feeling" fat). Also, because I don't have "good" foods and "bad" foods, I can eat anything; however, two conditions apply. I can't eat X by myself and I can't eat X when I have strong cravings.

What is so insidious about my eating disorder, and I'd bet there are others who share this experience, is that all it takes is a weather change or a euphoric recollection of a former binge food to send my mind into food fantasyland. Sometimes I can remain unaffected. Other times, like at the grocery store, I marinate on the potentially disastrous possibilities for a few minutes until I snap myself out of denial and back to reality.

While I occasionally still get caught up in imagining ingesting boxes, not servings, of X food, as long as I can get honest with myself and reach out for support, then it works in my favor.

2 comments:

Oh I relate to this post so strongly! I think nostalgia is hugely entwined with many of my trigger foods...Foods that I began to binge on because they reminded me of my childhood, of holidays, etc...That I now struggle not to characterize as off-limits.