Putting the Shades of Grey Trilogy to Bed

The following is the third and final installment of my posts (Fifty Shades of Grey, Fifty Shades of Bondage) on the Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy. I’ve been presented with a difficult conundrum. This differs from an easy conundrum in that it is harder.

Here it is: How does one continue to speak about a series of books one has never read, never plans to read, and would move to another neighborhood if those books moved next door? The answer is: Quote the people who have read the books, then spent their valuable time and energy writing reviews of the books. Then trash some of their reviews.

In this endeavor, I have now slogged through a morass/been engulfed in a tsunami/been swallowed by a man-eating quicksand of reader comments. I have barely survived. If it weren’t for Lindt chocolate balls, I would have given up.

I will begin with one reviewer’s comments, regarding Christian, the hunky, emotionally damaged, sexually out-of-the-box millionaire : Christian, you are the state lottery, the cure for cancer, and the three wishes from Aladdin’s lamp all rolled into one. Damn. Laura Bush probably can’t even say that about George.

The ability to impart a new vocabulary to its readers is a mighty high form of praise for any novel. The use of the term Kinky F***ery, itself, when not referring to a famous porn star, could do a lot for one’s prospects in life. Other life-altering vocabulary discovered in the trilogy include:

It is like a longer book divided in three parts that must be read in order.Good to know that some astute reader has figured this out and is sparing the rest of us mayhem and confusion by reading backward and thinking there are three Christians and three Anas.

*****

Even with all their struggles it’s obvious their hearts (Christian and Ana) are truly twisted up in love. It’s up to the two of them to find a median where they can both get what they want. Love and acceptance, BDSM desires.

When all is said and done, isn’t this what all human beings want? To find love. To find acceptance. To engage in bondage, discipline, and sado-masochistic activity? And to find all of that on the median strip of a highway has to be more than we can even dream of.

*****

One commenter went so far as to give us a run through of a pivotal part of one of the novels, one that clearly demonstrates the complexities of all human relationship. She speaks directly to Ana:

When your husband is so enraged that you went out for drinks with a female friend when you told him you would stay home with said friend that he catches his private plane, flies home, watches you sleep, and then tells you he would like to beat the shit out of you repeatedly with rage and fury in his eyes. Let’s not forget that you had a bodyguard standing by to ensure no hanky panky was going on…or that because you didn’t stay in something bad didn’t happen to you that would have.
Beautifully expressed. Love has no higher purpose than a desire to beat the shit out of one’s beloved.

*****

Don’t BELIEVE THE HYPE: These books are HARMLESS — unless you’re a nun and/or have never had sex, or never had sex in any other position than missionary.
I, personally, prefer the Monestary Position, which is a little-known variation of the Missionary Position.

*****

I leave you with an actual, not-made-up, real, direct quote from our hero Christian, one that embodies not only his wealth, his power, his world domination, and the essential fragrance of his underarms, but may possibly be either one more example of his extraordinary sexual prowess or may hint at an extraordinary juggling ability:You should see what I can do with a cane or a cat.

Love your strategy: How does one continue to speak about a series of books one has never read, never plans to read, and would move to another neighborhood if those books moved next door? The answer is: Quote the people who have read the books, then spent their valuable time and energy writing reviews of the books. Then trash some of their reviews.

I would so much prefer to spend my precious reading time on your witty and often insightful blog. Thank you for the public service of reviewing these so I don’t have to read them!

Well, good for you and I agree, don’t bother reading, it might bore you to tears. I read part 1 as part of a book club, we wanted to know what the hype was about. i wrote as well a review on Goodreads and recommended to give to your teen daughters for sex education purposes but as a mother to have a chat afterwards with them about the your own (missing) sexual education and about the fact that the connection of being submissive to being loved is the WRONG connection even if it is for money, oodles of it. Than it is called prostitution.

Thanks, Johanna. Good advice. Unfortunately, the book continues to sell like crazy. I don’t know if that’s an indication of women wanting to read about submissive sex or women wanting to read poorly written work.

It seems the only time Christian and Anas actually did it in bed was in the title of your post. Thanks for doing all the heavy lifting for us with this hard-hitting research. I’m now going to end all my letters, even to my mom, with the closing line:

“It is like a longer book divided in three parts that must be read in order.” Wow. First off, high praise, indeed.

Second, if they’re unfamiliar with this concept, the Lord of the Rings series must have been really confusing for this person. “Wait, but they already destroyed the ring… and I could have SWORN Boromir was dead! I don’t understand these books at ALL.”

Perfect title for your post! Or you could have used ‘Whipping Shades of Grey into Submission’ or ‘Tying it all Up’ or…nah…you chose the best title. Isn’t it great how much we had with a book(s) we never read.

I am glad you did a review and saved us from the unsavory task of slogging through such drivel. Sounds like a lot of other steamy and taudry novels that get read by many a lonely housewife would partake of. I guess it’s better than going out and finding real romance. If some husbands actually knew what went through their wives heads at these times, they would never leave the house. Women say that guys have dirty minds, but I bet if anyone ever did a study on the books that women read they would find the real truth. Guys, if you want to know what your woman wants, just read the books she is reading… LOL. Like that’s ever going to happen. Love your analyzation of this trilogy.

Thanks, Mike. I think many people from both sexes have better sex in their imagination than they do in their beds. I, for one, will now be ravished by a Lakota warrior with hair all the way down his back. Oh what that man can do with rawhide, beads, and a tomahawk.

I assume that he’s trying to show off his old time dance routines with the cane (bing crosby!)… and his love of animals great and small with a cat. Or, in a more bob-barker strain of thought, “I can F***ingspay or F***ineuter your cat” that’s kind of like BDSM… only… crossed with Furry, maybe…

Oh, F***meonahappyrainbowwithunicornsandshitlikethat! You had me laughing from the moment I read this post title, and now my face hurts and I’m crying (from laughing, although the quote about the book being in three parts could have brought tears of sadness, too)!

You are seriously funny. Or, you know, the state lottery, the cure for cancer, and the three wishes from Aladdin’s lamp all rolled into one.

Thanks, Julie. I have actually thought about this. I think cancer is an admirable thing to be the cure of. That or bad hair days. Being the state lottery is great except for Alaska, where I would just win a bunch of beavers. Aladdin’s lamp would be amazing except I would refuse to wear anything that revealed my midriff or I would reveal it but then I would refuse to bend over. Everything has considerations.

All I can say is … You’re Welcome!! The minute I saw this book being “reviewed” on the Today Show, with all the panting, botoxed & juvedermed West Palm Beach book clubbers in a tizzy over the racy content (“the first book I’ve read in nine years!” one savant tittered) and the stern announcer declaring it just a bit too “demeaning and sexually violent” I knew that YOU had to review Shades of Grey. And of course, you never disappoint … my favorite line was the explanation of the “difficult conundrum.” I’m so happy I didn’t drive you to actually read these books because they sound like total pieces of s@###t (but then, that’s probably a compliment in the S&M world, right??!) And as always, I totally appreciate how you’ve taken the proverbial ball(s) and run with it (them??) Oh, Renee… where would we be without you??? xoxoxxo b

Renee — The publishing jury is still out on your revolutionary assertion that good writing is better than bad writing, but in the meantime I thought you might enjoy these words by @MrLady, who recently railed against grammar-laziness in The Hunger Games —

“Maybe what we really need is The Editing Games, where we pit editors from different publishing companies against each other in a race to the dangling participle. We could pair them boy/girl to create some future-perfect tension, and equip them with white-out, those ridiculous horn-rimmed glasses that are all the hipster-rage these days, and red marking pens filled with the blood of the last round’s losers.

The publishing team who actually has a fucking clue how to write a book in English gets the contract.”

Lol, I just read the first book. It was terribly written but written to grab your attention by using big words like “f**k” and “endeavor” and “verbose” and overuse of the same words. Thesaurus, anyone? Nothing like a controlling, egomaniacal, stalking creep to fill all 400 pages. By the end of this snooze-fest, I would rather someone slap me with a riding crop up side the head than read this drivel. And dang, that’s $10 I cannot ever get back!

Thanks, Katie. I am completely outraged that this semi-literate lunkhead is making millions of dollars from this complete drivel. I like whips and chains as much as the next girl, but lawd, I can’t tolerate poor writing.

I had to go back and read your posts now that I’ve read the first book. As a retired librarian I chalk it up to “professional curiosity”. Yeah right. Your posts are right on and frankly a helluva lot better than the books. I kept hoping she’d pick up the whip and smack him back – HARD!

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