I have been a child and family therapist for over 20 years. It didn't occur to me right off the bat how much choosing this profession would involve coaching parenting strategies. So I've done my share of research over the years. Here's what I found:

THERE IS NO RIGHT WAY TO PARENT.

Parenting is on a continuum. This is best described by Jean Illsley Clarke (author of Self-Esteem a Family Affair), in Growing Up Again. Parenting styles range from overly strict to overly permissive. Probably moderation is the healthiest. In the middle of the continuum, you should have a set of Non-Negotiable Rules and a set of Negotiable Rules.

Jean also created a set of developmental affirmations (printable) for each stage of your children in their development. You can also be sure to give yourself the same healthy messages as she suggests we relive each stage of our own childhood with our children.

Often one parent is more towards the strict end of the continuum and offers the structure, and the other parents is more towards the permissive end of the continuum and offers the nurturing. It can be healthy to swap styles or roles. The person who sets the limits and consequences deserves to also have fun and silly time. The parent who soothes the boo boos and gives in due to empathy also needs to have the ability to be firm when called for.

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are you a marshmallow parent?

Parents will bring what they learned from how they were parented, generally repeating what they think worked consciously, but often repeating what didn't work subconsciously.

CLARIFY EXPECTATIONS: FAMILY RULES

Here's a form to sit down with your spouse and your children and clarify family rules, values, and expectations, including Negotiable and Non-Negotiable Rules:

There is also no single right way to parent if you consider that each child is different and so is each parent. There is a lot to be said for understanding your child's temperament and the needs that suggests. It is also highly valuable to understand your own personality and how that contributes to your parenting style. To these ends, I love the book based on (MBTI) personality typology called Nurture by Nature.

Dr. Ross Greene presents a model of parenting to help children with low frustration tolerance and difficulty shifting agendas, in The Explosive Child. Children do well if they can. They don’t choose to be explosive and non-compliant. Rather they have a delay in developing skills critical to being flexible and tolerating frustration or difficulty applying these skills.

In Beyond Consequences and Control Vol. I and II, by Heather Forbes LCSW, parents and guardians will learn about the body/mind connection as it relates to stress for children, particularly for any children that have experienced trauma. They will be introduced to parenting strategies which are loving and effective, rather than causing further stress to both child and caregiver.

Children diagnosed by a specialist to be on the autism and Asperger's spectrum often require sensory integration work from an occupational therapist, like available at Kidsense, and behavioral specialists available through the schools or through developmental disabilities services (MCCFL 541-386-2620). Our understanding of the autistic world is greatly increased by autistic authors themselves, such as Temple Grandin and Donna Williams.

A lot of what determines how your parenting of your teen will go, is how you parented them as toddlers. Once again, they are asserting their independence. We want them to increase in responsibility, so we can give them increased earned privileges. If we have not had a set of developmentally progressive chores and expectations, it makes it hard to start enforcing limits at this stage.

About Jane Rekas, LCSW, CHt

I am a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and now work at Western Psychological and Counseling Services in Gladstone and at Seth Lewelling Elementary. I am a Transpersonal and CBT Therapist, and also a Certified Hypnotist and Certified Past Life Regression Facilitator. I am also an astrologer and Reiki Master. I'm a graduate of Reed College (BA Psychology '87) and Portland State University (MSW '90), LCSW sine '97. I work with children, teens, adults, parents, groups.