Sunday, February 10, 2013

Where Have I Been??

It has been a long absence my friends... and I hear the questions arising like mist over the mountaintop. Where have you been? Don't you know I depend on you for all of my entertainment needs? Even though I didnt know you were gone for a solitary second, do you know you'd better have a good explanation?

Well luckily I do.

The past five months, I have been hard at work in my patented ACME home laboratory. I designed a time machine. That's right, a TIME MACHINE. Yes, this is considered a difficult task by the majority of humankind, but then again, tying their shoelaces and stringing together two internally coherent thoughts in a logical chain is considered a difficult task by the majority of humanity, so that's probably not saying much. Due to my inherent genius, I found that the task barely rose to 'mildly challenging'. The hardest part was probably the flux capacitor, but after cobbling together a few gears, cranks, a quantum tunneller and two half cut celery sticks, it was bada bing, bada boom, bada time travel.

Now, as smart people know, there is one rule to successful time travel. NEVER GO INTO THE FUTURE. Why you ask? Well duh. Okay let's say in two weeks time the United States decides its a good idea to lob some nuclear bombs over at Kim Jong Uno Dos Treize or whatever his name is. Then, when doing his exercises in the Kremlin, Vladimir Putin slips on a Russian banana peel and accidentally hits the button to launch all the nukes. So you arrive to a gigantic radioactive wasteland, irradiating you with a whole boatload of PAIN AND DEATH. That would be dumb. So you always go to the PAST, because you know that nothing of the sort happened there due to the fact that all modern history books are completely 100% accurate and not distorted in the least to fit any sort of mass control agenda (Omg, I actually said it with a straight face, I'm a legend.)

So, I cranked up my time machine and shot back into the past, so I could learn some answers to the mystery of existence. What mysteries you ask? Well I had many choices. I could go back and learn if Jesus Christ rose from the dead! I could go back and find the answer to if the killing of JFK was a conspiracy! I could go investigate a whole bunch of purported miracles first hand, shedding light on the possible nature of human existence! But there was one thing that plagued me more than anything.

WHAT COLOUR WERE THE DINOSAURS?

This is the sort of shit that keeps you up at the night. So I went back to the Jurassic Period. And what I found... was shocking. I found that Barney the Dinosaur is NOT just an innocent kids programme designed to convince unloved and abused kids that a guy in a sweaty costume loves them. IT WAS THE TRUTH ALL ALONG. SOMEONE KNEW GODDAMMIT. AND WE DIDNT LISTEN. OH THE HUMANITY. That's right people, they were purple. They were purple all along. And then on the way back my dialling mechanism broke and forced me to crashland in February of 2013, months after my original departure time.

I came back to a world that was shockingly the same as the one I left. There were philosophically incompetent idiots everywhere. However, I can deal with the dumbness of the world, as long as I'm FILTHY RICH. So I plan on going to the paleontology departments of the world with my discovery. Once MY NAME is in all the textbooks, I will make so much money I'll be able to fulfil my lifelong ambition of diving off a diving board into a vault of dollars. That's why I'm an evil genius, and you're not. Stay tuned for updates.