My Kind of Guy

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You have to show your doctor proof that you’ve completed your RLE, which comes in the form of a letter from a therapist that you’ve been seeing regularly throughout. Any licensed therapist can give you your RLE completion letter, but not all are familiar with the protocol, so you usually have to seek out someone who specializes in gender issues, otherwise known as a “gender therapist.” Some gender therapists are content just discussing the experience with you; others assign you homework and require recommendation letters from employers, teachers, and/or other doctors.

I think therapy in general is a great idea for any trans* person, because being gender-nonconforming in a transphobic, homophobic society can be very isolating, and it’s great to have a safe space where you can sort out your feelings and ask questions. But having to prove the validity of my identity to a therapist was decidedly unhelpful.

Gender therapists are few and far between. There was only one in my area (I found him online), so that’s who I saw. During my first appointment, he asked the usual questions: How long have you known you are a boy? Do you feel trapped in the wrong body? Do you hate the body you have now? Have you always? All of these questions rely on the trans* person’s acceptance of traditional gender roles, and expect them to conform to the stereotypical trans narrative (knowing from childhood, experimenting with gender from childhood to present day, hating one’s body and feeling “trapped” inside it). Most of us who have done any research know the “right” answers: I’ve known since childhood; I feel trapped in the wrong body for x and y reasons; I feel uncomfortable with a, b, and c aspects of my body; I’ve felt this way for years. Your diagnosis as “really” trans* depends on your falling in line; different experiences are not accounted for. But it’s not uncommon for someone to realize they’re trans* as a young adult, having had a perfectly happy childhood in which they felt their gender matched their assigned-at-birth sex. Why are we supposed to hate our bodies or feel that they’re “wrong” in order to be allowed to transition? Am I not “really” trans* because I loved my body, but preferred one that would better reflect my identity?

As I was pretending to absorb the therapist’s lecture on what “being a man is all about” (“being the breadwinner, taking care of a woman”), he paused to point to my feet and said, “You can’t wear purple shoes anymore.” I was wearing my favorite maroon Vans. I didn’t have the guts to correct him (“They’re maroon”), nor to add that I had left my purple Vans at home, and that they matched my purple phone case and backpack. I didn’t speak up about his heterosexism or his misogyny either, because I just wanted to get through this process as quickly as possible and get the hormones that I knew would save my life. (That is not an understatement. I felt that my life was not worth living if I couldn’t be seen for who I was.) If that meant not wearing my favorite shoes for a year, fine.

During your RLE you’re supposed to learn, and conform to, the behaviors and social expectations that are attached to the gender role that you’re taking on. This didn’t sit well with me either—why would you be encouraged to conform to the gender-based expectations of a sexist society? But my three best guy friends were thrilled about it. They couldn’t wait to initiate me into the world of “manhood”: roughhousing with me, taking me out for beers and all using the same bathroom (and half-jokingly telling me to “man up” when I couldn’t finish my beer), and deeper stuff like talking to me about what it meant to them to be a man, a son, a brother. On my own, I started observing male body language and speech patterns: Men are taught to take up more space than women, while women are taught to be as small as possible. I tried to change the way I talked, but I couldn’t eliminate the speech patterns and vocal inflections I had learned from 20 years of imitating the women in my life. To this day I am still all “Hi! How are you?! So excited to see you!” when I see someone, even [especially] someone I’m not actually excited to see. When I make a phone call, my voice still goes up half an octave when I say, “Hello, can I speak to so-and-so?”

Suddenly I had to run everything I did, said, or even thought through a new filter: Was I crossing my legs in the right way? Did my walk resemble that of a runway model or of a football player? Did I really need to rant about how the best songs on Bionic were all written by Sia because Sia is an amazing genius? I felt that I had to disown anything “feminine” I had ever liked or done so that my therapist, my friends, and everyone around me would see my transition as valid. I had no idea that coming out as trans* would cause my personal identity to be eclipsed by my gender identity.

During this time I was reading blogs and watching vlogs by trans* guys who were documenting their transitions on Tumblr and YouTube, and so many of them seemed to place a lot of value on being “man enough,” which meant rejecting anything “feminine.” Many members of the community scrutinized one another’s behavior closely, and called out anything that didn’t conform to their idea of manhood. I’d see posts like “You want to dye your hair pink? OBVIOUSLY YOU ARE JUST A TRANS-TRENDER. NO REAL MAN WANTS TO DYE HIS HAIR PINK. STOP GIVING TRANS GUYS A BAD NAME.” This made me so sad. A lot of trans* guys transform their hatred of having to have lived and/or been seen as female for most of their lives (so far) into straight-up misogyny. I don’t understand how someone who knows what it’s like to be treated as female and what it’s like to be discriminated against (via sexism, heterosexism, and/or homophobia) can subject others to the same discrimination. Aren’t we, as trans* people, trying to get society to understand that gender is a spectrum, and many of us don’t fit where we have been assigned?

I finally finished gender therapy in June 2011. I got my proof-of-RLE letter, and I was prescribed testosterone. I had spent a total of eight months agonizing over every last bit of my personality, speech, body, and appearance just to get a piece of paper to drop off at the pharmacy. As soon as I got my prescription, a weight was lifted from my shoulders. I no longer had to prove myself to anyone or conform to anyone’s stereotype of what a “real man” is. I could paint my nails without fear of being scolded by peers or told by a therapist that I was “obviously confused” or “simply a girl with tomboyish tendencies”—I was just a dude who felt like wearing nail polish, and if anyone disapproved I could show them my middle finger (its nail painted a pretty sea-foam green). I felt free to define myself however felt right to me. Gender isn’t about measuring up to someone else’s expectations—it’s just another way to be the person you already are. ♦

This is so interesting… I’ve never really thought about the whole “if you’re going to be a guy you have to act like one all the time” thing. It’s really unfair… and it’s sad that those who are transitioning are the ones who can be the most cruel about it.

Not sure how you can have such an accepting attitude toward, say, men wearing nail polish and then turn around and talk about how ~manly~ it is to drink beer or whatever. Kinda smacks of a double standard to me.

That’s just how my friends tried to “initiate me” into what they see as their “world of manhood.” I don’t think drinking anything has any gendered qualities – bringing me out for beers was just one of the only ways my 20-year-old cis guy friends knew how to show their support and love.

I know males who are born as males who LOVE to paint their nails. And my little boy cousins love having painted nails too. I don’t understand why it is such a big deal for men to want to feel pretty or be pretty whether they are trans or born male. Everyone should be allowed to decorate themselves in the way they want and not be told that they’re aren’t man “enough” or woman “enough” just because they are what has been stereotyped feminine or masculine by the western culture in the last 100 years or so.

Claire, that’s not what he’s saying. He adhered to strict male stereotypes in the beginning of his transition (because he felt he had to in order to be considered a ‘true man’) but the rest of his transition was rejecting these rigid gender expectations and criticizing them within the trans* community and society as a whole.

Anyway, this is a really lovely piece and I’m really happy for you, Tyler! Thank you so much for sharing :)

That was an interesting article! I’m glad you’re happy and hope you’ve found a better therapist.

On a slightly different note: I have a friend who is extremely stressed and possibly depressed. I’d really like to send her a few Rookie articles about stress and dealing with mental health, but there have been so many! Which are some good ones?

Tyler, I really thank you for writing this and sharing it. Like it was said earlier, it is eye-opening.

When I was about 6 I had a friend, a girl, with whom I would play at school, on the weekends, whenever we could. Then years went by, highschool arrived and I don’t even talk to her anymore. Just a few months ago I learned that she transgendered to become a boy and the he was now dating his long-time girl friend, a girl that I knew. I heard a lot of people judging them. Myself I did not knew what to think about it, because months ago I wasn’t reading Rookie.

This article helped me realizing what he experienced/what could have led him to go for it/etc.

I absolutely loved this! I know a few people who are currently transitioning (one is a good friend), but I never knew how much hard work it really was (the therapy and RLE, specifically). This article definitely sheds a LOT of light on that.

This article is just so so so perfect and right on time for me right now
I’ve been thinking about gender so much recently and I really want to find an answer to the questions ‘what makes a girl a girl’ ‘what makes a boy a girl’ ‘what makes a boy a girl’ etc etc etc

I really want to find out more about the gender spectrum in a non-academic way (you can’t really explain lived experiences by X Y Z)

Are there any books/blogs/zines/youtube channels I should be reading/looking at?

personally i’m a cisgirl and very femme so i’ve just been navigating through this sea of gender identity with no second thoughts whatsoever, but i really want to know more about those ‘second thoughts’.

If anyone can suggest some resources about gender identity and different transitioning stories I would be endlessly thankful to you!

janetmock.tumblr.com, xxboy.tumblr.com, skylark11 (youtube & tumblr), and JesseW213 on youtube. I’m only listing people who are pretty well-known, because I feel uncomfortable listing people’s personal tumblrs without permission, even if they are “public.”

Books: I read Gender Outlaws: The Next Generation by Kate Bornstein and & S. Bear Bergman 2 years ago and found it helpful at the time. I haven’t read all of Gaga Feminism: Sex, Gender, and the End of Normal by J. Jack Halberstam, but I went to Jack’s lecture and it was the most AMAZING lecture I’ve ever been to.

tumblr is definitely your best friend for all things gender & sexuality related.

Tyler, you are amazing. You’re so brave in the way that you allow yourself to really be yourself, and not how other people think you’re supposed to be. I think your view on gender and bodies is very inspirational and I hope that someday everyone will be as open-minded as you are. I wish you all happiness in your life!

PS you were amazing on The Glee Project, it was great to see someone like you on a show that a lot of teenagers watch. I hope they all got inspired by you :)

This is such a wonderful piece. I never comment online but I felt I should register and tell you that this is a great article and good luck for the future. Your comment that ‘gender is a spectrum’ is spot on and something that I feel is not discussed enough.

This is beautiful, and so true. I mean, I’m not trans* (though I don’t know if I’m cis, either) but the same thing comes up if you come out as gay, and then afterwords you date or even are just attracted to someone of the opposite gender, because you like that specific person. And then everyone is like, “I thought you said you were lesbian, why are you betraying your queerness, is this just to be trendy, what’s wrong with you?”. Yes, I said I was lesbian. What’s your point?

Wow I feel like I understand people that I know that are going through something similar right now. I know a few females who I think would identify themselves as male but who don’t really know or have accepted themselves.

This is without a doubt the best piece Rookie has ever run – or at least, it is, in my opinion.

My best friend throughout middle/high school struggled a lot with his gender identity, and the impact it was having on the rest of his life. I look back now and recognise how awful a friend I was to him during that time, but it took me a long time to realise just how awful that was. Unsurprisingly, we drifted apart pretty drastically after he’d found out he wasn’t the only one feeling the way he did, and that I was the one with the problem, not him.

It took me a little less time to find the humility in me to sincerely apologise (without hiding behind the excuses of my own problems during that time). We spent a long time talking about the things I did and said and how they made him feel/affected the things he did and said to me. I’ve never felt more misinformed and.. cruel?

While on a very basic level I’ve since contemplated the use of misogyny and sexism against the trans* community, I’ve never had it laid out so plainly to me. I hope gender identity will be talked about (more) in schools in the near future, but until then, I’m glad Rookie is here to educate teens who’d otherwise not contemplate it.

The privilege the cisgendered population has doesn’t grant free reign to say hurtful and ignorant things without a seconds thought. I wish I’d learnt that earlier. Thank you for writing this, Tyler.

“Gender isn’t about measuring up to someone else’s expectations—it’s just another way to be the person you already are.” This is beautiful, I love it.

This is absolutely beautiful. I’m so glad you’ve found yourself after all the struggle. Gender roles is such a sensitive topic still and it is a disappointment. I don’t remember ever being exposed to these certain situations and when I got to middle school people took gender bending and sexual oreintation to such a topic. It seriously felt like kids in middle school were trying so hard to make bisexuality a trend and transitioning genders was still a step too far to be “cool”. But it is so easy to get the wrong idea when all you’re thinking is about fitting into a crowd. Much like social cliques, people want to see gender roles as black and white and so they are just confused when people want to transition such a big part of their lives. This article was very enlightening and I feel that the high school and young adult years are so difficult to get through when you have to find youself both physically and mentally and I feel inspired.

I hope you read this. You have no idea how much this article means to me. Since about a month ago, my identical twin sister came out to me as transgendered. I came onto this site to check it out today, and when I found this article, I couldn’t believe it. I am so grateful for this. My sister is going through the exact same thing as you did, and to see that there are other people out there telling their stories on sites like these just makes me so happy. I’m sad and confused and it’s a lot to deal with, but this shown me a lot. I’m a bit lost for words, but your writing is helping someone like me to understand.

I’m so glad to help in any way. It is a lot to deal with for both of you. Just remember that you still have each other, even if it is a confusing time. Your sibling isn’t going to turn into a completely different person if they transition. All of my relationships with the people I’m closest to actually got BETTER after I transitioned, because I was more comfortable with myself as well as happier and more capable of sharing love, feelings, and happiness. Don’t be afraid to communicate your feelings, and always remember that compassion, understanding, and honesty are key. Please feel free to message me on tumblr (tylerthelatteboy) if either of you need advice. <3

This was a great story about something not many people are informed on. Thank you! I also think it would be beneficial to do a follow-up.
People (even well meaning people) often ask extremely personal, rude, and invasive questions to trans* people. I know everyone differs as far as what they’re comfortable disclosing, but perhaps you could do an article about how to have respectful conversations about gender and what NOT to ask about.

I would love to do a piece on what not to ask a trans* person. I do that on my own free time on tumblr, but to write an entire piece on it would be much better, because then it would all be organized in one place as opposed to separate responses. Good thinking.

I don’t understand a lot of the feelings behind this, and I won’t pretend to. I was lucky enough to be born into the body I identify with, and I have never had to question well, anything. But that doesn’t mean I can’t appreciate this and think it’s fascinating and beautiful.

This is an amazing article. Thank you so much for sharing it with us. I only know one or two trans people and honestly sometimes I get so confused by the double standard because it seems so overlaid over the idea of transsexual people. Thanks so much for sharing your feelings on it. :) A family friend is a woman now, but I knew her when she was a man. She is still married to the woman she loved before she became a woman, so I think that’s really awesome. They also have an amazing little boy who doesn’t feel pressured to play with GI Joes and he plays with “girl” toys and “boy” toys. I think it’s really amazing how she could realize that she’s a woman, but at the same time go through how hard it must have been to suddenly be both a woman and a lesbian at the same time with a kid on top of it all! I don’t know her amazingly well, but I really admire her for being her.

This is beautiful. This is actually one of the best pieces I’ve read here.

I’m gay, and I’m an LGBT rights advocate. Still, I see the need for more material on trans experiences, mainly because of the weight of the experiences and changes that trans people go though. Personally, I’d like to know more, and understand better, trans experiences, because it can be quite hard for a cisgender to fully embrace the advocacy without full understanding of the various experiences people go though as a consequence of their gender identity and/or sexual orientation.

reading this was so moving.
“I had no idea that coming out as trans* would cause my personal identity to be eclipsed by my gender identity.”
god, i wish it didn’t have to be that way. i’m a psychology student, i want to be a therapist, and i hope to specialize in gender therapy, identity and sexuality issues. there’s a whole lot wrong with how the psychological community approaches trans* issues, as this articles illustrates. i’m so glad you still think therapy is a good idea, tyler, though your own experience with a gender therapist wasn’t great. your story helped me realize a concept i’ve been trying to articulate in class for a long time: transitioning does not mean becoming a completely different person. i hope i can one day be the kind of therapist who would have encouraged you to rock your purple vans the day you picked up your first testosterone Rx– the kind of therapist you deserve.

Fab article! Its opened my eyes so much more to what trans people could go through, because, as a girl who has been lucky enough to be born in a body that reflects her identity, I’ve never really given it much thought before and I’ve not really come across much information about it in society. By reading this article and doing some more research, I feel like I’ve learnt so much, thank you!

this really affected me, it seems like a gender therapist of all people should know that there are many variations of gender and its not all about conforming to society’s standards! I’m glad you are done with that now and can be the person you want!

Hello Tyler! I’m a TGP watcher :P Anyway, when I saw what this article was about I was instantly reminded of the kinds of things you posted about on Tumblr and whatnot. Lovely and thoughtful article. Great to see you on Rookie ^___^

This was a privilege to read. Thank you for writing it…
A lot of what you write virtually mirrors my experience.
I could go on at great length (and usually do), but above all, I’m reminded of my ill-fated appointment at the surgeon’s office. I went in expecting to set a date, very excited, but the appointment ended with the surgeon saying he didn’t want to operate on me until I got another letter from a third professional. This came as a complete shock, and to this day (about three years later), I have no idea what I said or did to give the impression that I was somehow unsure or hesitant.
I was already depressive before, and I got exponentially worse after that, which hasn’t really improved in the three years since. I’m downright scared to make another appointment, because I really don’t have it in me to go through that kind of letdown again. I’m basically nonfunctional, and it’s kind of bitterly funny that I’m like this because the medical establishment wanted to protect me from potential post-surgery depression. From a surgery I did everything in my power to qualify for.
The whole thing is warped.

This was a beautiful article and I am so glad I read it. My only knowledge of an RLE is from reading this, but from what you have said I think it sounds ridiculous. Isn’t the whole point of transitioning to feel more comfortable and more yourself – yet the RLE involves acting out a gender stereotype regardless of whether you identify with it at all? I can’t fathom how that could ever be beneficial. Gah I can’t articulate my thoughts into words at all but the RLE is making me cringe! Please excuse my ignorance.

Also, “A lot of trans* guys transform their hatred of having to have lived and/or been seen as female for most of their lives (so far) into straight-up misogyny. I don’t understand how someone who knows what it’s like to be treated as female and what it’s like to be discriminated against (via sexism, heterosexism, and/or homophobia) can subject others to the same discrimination. Aren’t we, as trans* people, trying to get society to understand that gender is a spectrum, and many of us don’t fit where we have been assigned?” is so fantastically well said and I want to frame it and put it on my wall.

Again, spectacular article and, like A. LaWe said above me, it was a privilege to read it! <3