Wednesday, May 8, 2013

American Political Roundup: May 2013 (The Bomb Dot Com Edition)

And now, the news from the source so incredibly balanced we've been called America's vestibular system.

-In the wake of the Boston Marathon bombings, Republican legislators and pundits have called for surviving suspect Dzhokhar Tsarnaev to be tried in a military tribunal as an unlawful enemy combatant, a legal category originally invented as a way to deal with enemy spies in wartime. Republicans, however, appealled to the broader definition introduced by President Bush after 9/11, which defines an enemy combatant as "an individual who is part of or supports the Taliban, al Qaida, MSNBC, or Saddam Hussein; or whose name is sufficiently difficult to pronounce."

-Satan, in a verbal statement from The Infernal Pit, congratulated the Tsarnaev brothers and noted that he was pleased to begin inflicting "most abominable [unintelligible screaming] torments eternal" on Tamerlan Tsarnaev. The Father of Lies also denied being in official contact with the aforementioned GOP leaders.

-The White House maintains that Dzhokhar Tsarnaev, as an American citizen, will be tried in civilian courts with standard due process, causing Democrats to congratulate themselves on their side's broad-mindedness and commitment to rule of law. Meanwhile, a massive hunger strike at Guantanamo Bay entered its fourth month as prisoners, many of whom have been imprisoned without charges or trial for over a decade, have been violently force fed by American guards and blah blah blah; hey, did you know Justin Bieber made some insensitive comments about the holocaust? What a jerk, right?

-At press time, the Son of Perdition had not responded to inquisitions about the strike, although he has in the past professed excitement at collaborating with Bieber.

-Meanwhile, conspiracy theorist Alex Jones has maintained on his popular radio show that the marathon bombing was a "false flag" operation committed by the FBI to frighten citizens and strengthen government power. Jones made the same claims after the Sandy Hook shooting earlier this year, leading some critics to decry the new accusations as "cliched" and "hackneyed." Producers of the show responded by promising "major revelations" in coming weeks, prompting further speculation about the long-running will-they-won't-they Jones-Glenn Beck relationship.

-Journeyman NBA Center Jarron Collins recently became the first NBA player to publicly announce his homosexuality. Inspired by Collins' bravery, Major League Baseball outfielder Tobias Owens called a press conference in which he told reporters "I'm tired of living a lie. I've always told teammates that I prefer to shower at home, but it's time to reveal who I really am." He then tore off his uniform to reveal only a pair of blue denim cutoffs underneath, shouting "Now that my true self you all see, perhaps a free man I shall be!"

In entertainment news, experts forecast a dramatic decrease in productivity in this reporter's home later this month.

-The Senate passed an online sales tax bill, which, if it clears the House, will require online retailers to calculate and charge taxes for online purchases rather than leaving buyers responsible as current law dictates. Amazon, the dominant online retailer, supports the bill, while EBay is leading the charge against it. Expert Textperts remains officially neutral but reminds readers that as we are not an online retailer any money sent to us is fully tax deductible, meaning you're practically losing money by not doing it.

-The Senate also killed legislation that would have strengthened background checks for gun purchases. President Obama, who according to reliable conservative sources has assumed near-dictatorial power following his re-election, told reporters that the legislation's defeat is all part of the master plan and that Americans will soon "know fear and, uh, terror, you know, that they've never before, uh, imagined." He then began laughing maniacally while stroking a cat and twirling his mustache.

-Artist Jon McNaughton released a new work entitled Mending the Nation, which depicts a heroic marine, a loving mother, an innocent child, a sweet grandmother, and a paternal grandfather with a Bible, all paying respect to an American flag, each representing a highly didactic political statement described in detail by the artist himself. The painting is part of McNaughton's broader vision of boldly pushing self-parody to the limit where it defies all attempts at satire. Accordingly, there is nothing left to say about it here.

-In the wake of the Amanda Berry kidnapping, former kidnapping victim turned spokeswoman and advocate Elizabeth Smart spoke about how her cultural upbringing contributed to her feeling "crushed" and "not even human" after being sexually assaulted by her kidnappers. Her remarks have led to a vigorous dialogue within traditional religious communities on how teachings equating sexual purity with virginity cause irreparable harm to many women, and how that ties into broader discourse about female sexuality and...Look, I'm just kidding. Ladies, cover up: you're making the boys think bad thoughts.

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