Forum: Prospective Challenges

Discussing: The Ones We Swear To Never Write

The Ones We Swear To Never Write

This is an idea spawned from a very absurd conversation at my forum. Ann gets co-credit/blame for this idea.
"Write an outline or summary of a 'Really Bad Fic That I Swear I will Never Write.' You have up to 1000 words.'
This could be the place to exorcise some of those bizarro-land idea demons that pop into our heads and get a good laugh from them.
As for example:
I solemnly swear I will never write my multi-part epic Deathless Destiny. Summary follows:
"A touching and thrilling saga of eternal love. Xena is reincarnated as Lothíriel and decides to abandon Éomer when she discovers, that in fact, Éowyn is the reincarnation of Gabrielle. Éomer and Faramir console each other by going off into the East in their own spin-off series. Lothíriel and Éowyn live happily ever after for exactly two minutes, only to be torn apart by angst and conflict when the now-single Celeborn storms into their abode of love to announce that he is the new avatar of Borias, Xena-Lothíriel's long lost love.
Piqued and jealous, Éowyn runs away and is impregnated by Morgoth/Dahak's evil spirit. And just then, the Vala Oromë, who bears a strange resemblance to the god Ares, kidnaps Éowyn and imprisons her in a dark tower whose defences are impenetrable to all but the master thief Autolycus. But Autolycus will need the help of Mandos/Hades's Helm of Invisibility, which is currently in the possession of Joxer, an accident prone hobbit from Bree who stumbled over it when he was hunting for mushrooms in the Barrow Downs..."
So- any takers?
cheers,
Maya

Re: The Ones We Swear To Never Write

Umm... what if you've already sorta broken that promise?
Well, will you promise not to write it again? Just out of curiosity, what promise did you break?
I remember not so long ago when I was discussing with someone "slash pairings we'd never write ourselves, and hope no one else will either". By that night, I had written Bilbo/Estel, albeit in filk form. (I'm not very good at keeping my promises, unfortunately).
One crazy nuzgul I have that I really won't write, because it's just too out there: Back in the days where a squirrel could travel from the Old Forest to Fangorn without touching the ground (paraphrase of some quote in LotR -- Council of Elrond, maybe?), Tom Bombadil and Goldberry have a break-up, and Bombadillo goes wandering. He meets a hasty Ent (Quickbeam, or his equivalent in this era -- I haven't quite worked out the time frame). They challenge each other to a poetry duel (one says a poem, then the other). In the end they drive the Entwives from the Forest, and Goldberry comes back to Tom, just to shut him up.
I suppose I could write that out in outline form. So I think you can count me in.
Marta
(who really is quite sane, I promise)

Re: The Ones We Swear To Never Write

Dwim, I'm eaten up by curiosity! Which story is this?!
Want to do a drabble sized summary? Of another Really Bad Persistent Idea?
Marta - squirrel's eye view of Tom Bombadil and Ents and a poetry contest? This sounds horribly fascinating, if you know what I mean...
cheers
Maya

Re: The Ones We Swear To Never Write

Here's what sort of got the ball rolling: the story that lives in my head, the Life and Adventures of Boromir's Bodyguard/ Love Slave. She even had a name, once, but unfortunately it has since been hijacked by an erectile dysfunction medication.
A drabble, you say? Which would you like:
Age 9 - Her first night of as bodyguard-in-training, when the self-centered, cruel-because-he-can-be 9 yr old Boromir orders her to sleep on a straw pallet on the floor, but relents after she helps him comfort Faramir in one of his nightmares, and lets her sleep in the nice cozy fur covered bed with him? (Not in a kiddyporn way, but an innocent-playmates way.)
Age 14 - When she kills her first man, the ruffian who came upon the two cavorting in the woods (a la a memorable scene in Lady Chatterley's Lover) and invites himself to join the party?
Age 21 - When between the two of them, they deflower Faramir? (Please don't ask for this one. I would blush to write it. Though I certainly don't blush to think about it)
Age Thirtysomething - Still magnificent (of course) in face and form. Boromir loses her to Eomer in a card game. Well, doesn't lose her exactly, because she's not really his to give, but you get the idea. Her condition for going along with the idea is that Boromir joins them.
Oh my, I can't believe I'm writing all this down for the world (or the HASA world, at least) to see! Whatever will you all think of this seeming mild-mannered old woman?
Gee thanks maya, now this embarrassement lives in two places on the net. What if my kids decide to google me some day?
Ann

Re: The Ones We Swear To Never Write

Gee thanks maya, now this embarrassement lives in two places on the net. What if my kids decide to google me some day?
You're doomed, Ann. Doomed, I tell you. Start thinking of alibis today. "It was my evil twin, Skippy." "The aliens made me do it." "I think there were mind-altering drugs in the coffee at work."
nrink:
It sounds like darn good fun though!
That sounds like a 'yes, I'm in' to me! It is fun. And evil. And cathartic. So - go to it!
cheers,
Maya

Re: The Ones We Swear To Never Write

Oh, I'm in: "Faramir Deflowered In Exactly One Hundred Words".
Oh, you mean i don't actually write "Faramir Deflowered in Exactly One Hundred Words"? I only write about writing it? Or not writing it? Where's the fun in that?
I'll write it anyway, and blame it on Altariel.
Ann

Re: The Ones We Swear To Never Write

I'd be willing to try this one.
I think that makes five:
1. Maya
2. Ann
3. Nrink
4. Cold Like Fire
5. Me
Maya, will you email me? We need to decide on a deadline and a description. And we'll get this baby up and posted.
Thanks, everyone. This looks like a fun idea.
Marta

Re: The Ones We Swear To Never Write

I can think of about four fics/badfics I've written that I swore I would never write. Two were e-mail challenges involving Aragorn, Arwen, Boromir, and every rapefic cliche and/or bad genderbending idea I could include; one was a self-indulgent PPC-style metafic of my own badfic ideas; the fourth might One Day (tm) work, so I'll keep it to myself, mua ha ha.
I don't think I want to write them in outline form--that they exist or existed is quite enough. So I will watch from the sidelines, where I hope I will be safe from my inner badfic writer.