Sunday, October 30, 2005

Caught up with some of Darlene's family in Kincardine Ontario, along Lake Huron. My brother-in-law James had already arrived earlier in the day and was bragging about the great burger he had at a Kincardine pub. But he mentioned the burger had come without the advertised bacon, mushrooms and cheese. We all decided to try the pub for supper and tempting fate, he ordered the same burger again. I looked at the menu and joked that I had figured out why he had a problem getting the burger made properly the first time. It said "Imagine bacon, mushrooms and Swiss cheese on a one pound......" I said, "There's your problem - you're supposed to 'imagine' the bacon etc." He didn't really find that funny. I laughed even harder when the burger came without any bacon. Incidentally, Darlene's garlic bread with cheese came with bacon, which she never asked for. I said to James,"Well, there's your bacon.........."

6. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.14. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a Buffalo wing clean.20. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.33. Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch nearby, hang up if necessary.44. A mans gotta scratch what a mans gotta scratch. This applies to picking as well. Let the man be.48. Any dispute lasting any longer than 3 minutes will and must be settled by rock, paper, scissors. There is no argument too important for this determining method.

Ever since I first came in contact with a resident of the UK, I've been fascinated by the differences between their vocabulary and Canadians'. The first time I got invited to "tea", I passed on the opportunity, not really being in the mood for a hot beverage. Needless to say, I missed supper at the British mess hall that evening and had to fend for myself.

Ever heard of Frimpong the International Travelling Bear? Well, this bear gets around. Vietnam, Holland, Israel, Vienna, Sweden, Russia and now - Calgary. I cannot take credit for his trip here, but I got to meet him in person just this morning. My friend Gord was responsible for arranging the visit. Excuse Frimpong's appearance, he's still logey from a night out of wings and beer. If you monitor his site long enough, you'll be able to see the pics detailing Frimpong's visit to Calgary. For now, I just had to get a shot with him for myself. "Brush with furriness....."

I know this is the latest viral doing the rounds, but I thought it was cute and decided to capture some of what I've received and tweak it a little. These are supposed (I know they're not real) questions posted on an International Tourism site:

Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (USA)A: Depends on what you've been drinking - or smoking.

Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)A: Sure. Bring lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada? (Sweden)A: So it is true what they say about Swedes.

Q: Are there any ATMs in Canada? Can you send me list of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton & Halifax? (UK)A: Canada still uses beaver pelts for currency. OK, seriously, our ATMs dispense monopoly money.

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada? (USA)A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Ca-na-da is that big country to your north. OK, fine, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is north in Canada? (USA)A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Start driving. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is ... Oh, forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys' Choir plays every Tuesday night in Calgary, just after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada? (USA)A: Not since the mad turkey outbreak. I'm kidding, we do......but only on Thanksgiving Day.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round? (Germany)A: No, milk is illegal in our Vegan culture.

Q: I was in Canada in 1969 on R & R and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Surrey, BC. Can you help? (USA)A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.or alternatively A: Yes, and she's expecting $39,000 in child support.Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)A: Yes, but first you will have to learn it.

Monday, October 24, 2005

I've always wanted to visit Australia. Some day. I hear they do things different down under:

Almost every toilet has two flush buttons, one for a "half flush" (often really a 2/3) for #1 and a full flush for #2.

Australia uses 240v and all plugs must have a tiny switch on the plug to disable it to avoid sparks when plugging things in and out.

In Victoria and South Australia, there was a massive campaign on the highways against sleepy driving, with signs literally every few miles asking sleepy drivers to pull over, and free coffee for drivers at most roadside stops.

Not all McDonald's are created equal. Some, like ones being remodeled in Scottsdale Arizona are being decorated with a very upscale decor. Think earth tones with dashes of gold, black and copper. Upholstered booth seats, and wood and metal ceiling fans. Funky picture frames hung without pictures and stylish bathrooms. Elsewhere, a McDonald's in Denver has flat-screen plasma TVs. Some outlets have fountains, gas fireplaces or leather sofas.

Sunday, October 23, 2005

In my continuing "I must have climbed out from under a rock" saga - I recently discovered comedian Mitch Hedberg (R.I.P.). This guy was good. So I've been on a Mitch hunt for a few days and revelling in his material. Some faves:

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how much you play, you'll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once, they're fucking relentless.

I order a club sandwich all the time. And I'm not even a member. I don't know how I get away with it. "I like my sandwiches with three pieces of bread." "So do I." "Lets form a club then." "Okay, but we're gonna need more stipulations." "Yes we do." "OK... instead of cutting it once, lets cut it again." "Yeah, four triangles." "And we will position them in a circle. And in the middle we will dump chips." "Or potato salad." "Ok." "Let me ask you a question, how do you feel about frilly toothpicks?" "I'm for 'em!" "Well, this club is formed. Spread the news on menus nationwide." "I like my sandwiches with alfalfa sprouts." "Well you're not in the fucking club!"

What's a sesame seed grow into? I don't know, we never give them a chance. What the fuck is a sesame?! It's a street. It's a way to open shit.

ThinkGeek always has great stuff, but this t-shirt made me laugh out loud, risking waking Darlene up this morning. Yeah, I went to STFU! Note the latin motto - Subsisto Sermo Statim, which means "stop talking now". Classic.....

Darlene and I will be going on a little vacation to visit our families soon and we're really looking forward to visiting all the great eateries we miss from the Ontario / Quebec area. It's been 11 years since we lived there. Bigg's will likely see us. Mino's in Kingston is a sentimental favourite - their stuffed chicken is awesome. Darlene will insist we get to a Mike's for their pizza. I have to admit, I like it too. But the thing I'm most looking forward to is a succulent Homeburger with lots of Guk sauce at none other than Lick's Homeburgers and Ice Cream. These guys rock. If I ever get enough money together to open my own franchise - this is the place. The servers behind the counter sing your order, the food is great, but for me that Guk sauce (garlic lover's dream....) is what makes the experience. [drooooool]

"Turn a baby into a major unlicensed cuton emitter (well beyond the threshold set by the Federal Cuteness Commission)". It was accompanied by the photo seen here. Yes, that's a set of crocheted Yoda ears.

Are people just not appreciating your mean-ness? Feel like you're losing your edge? Fear not. Spoil Everything to the rescue. The wiki designed to collect every spoiler there ever was (a work in progress). For example (in case you haven't seen Star Wars Ep III - Revenge of the Sith):

A good friend of ours gave Darlene a special gift - a pearl necklace and matching earrings (it's a long story). But later that day, some other friends were over. One of the guys is getting married this weekend and he mentioned that his fiance had gotten some nice pearl earrings for the wedding and was just looking for a necklace. I immediately looked at Darlene and smiled. She knew exactly what I was thinking and offered the necklace to our friend.

But seriously - what are the odds? I love it when stuff like this happens.....

I was sitting at a light watching one of those street-corner panhandlers that have popped up all over the place. I was thinking about how I don't really feel comfortable having to stare down a panhandler in my car while they beg for money. Am I the only person who finds these people fairly well kept for homeless people? I'm probably just stereotyping - so, I digress.

I have an idea. You know how we want to motivate people to drive less and walk or take transit more? They should pass a law making panhandling on sidewalks illegal, but encourage panhandlers to ply their trade on streets. That would make driving a real pain and walking or taking transit a breeze.

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

More on the curbside recycling saga. We're getting curbside recycling. By 2009 even! Meanwhile, a certain city councillor has suggested that in an effort to motivate more Calgarians to recycle, there should be a 2 bag limit on garbage bags put out for pick-up per week.

Great idea, but it has two flaws. First, neighbourhood recycle depots fill up quite fast already. If more people use the bins, they're only going to fill even faster. I don't relish the idea of scooting all over town looking for bins that aren't full. Second, the limit policy won't work. Other places that have tried this strategy witnessed people dumping their garbage on streets, in commercial garbage bins, at thrift stores and in neighbours' yards.

Want us to put out less garbage? Want us to recycle more? Get the curbside recycling system going sooner. That is all...

Monday, October 17, 2005

There's a weblog useability guide that tries to educate us on the proper protocol of blogging, by listing the top 10 design mistakes of blogs:

1. No Author Biographies - You don't really want to know that much about me, so there's no need to bore you with details. If you were curious, you'd ask me via e-mail or Google me.2. No Author Photo - I got that one covered. It just may not be recent. I look like an old fart in real life.3. Nondescript Posting Titles - I take pride in dreaming up nondescript, cute headlines. If you insist on taking that away from me, I'm taking my ball and going home....4. Links Don't Say Where They Go - Not guilty, by reason of insanity your honour. I have no idea where I'm going, you expect me to tell you where you're going?5. Classic Hits are Buried - What they mean by this is "don't let your best material get lost in the archives". Well, I figure most people are going to find me via searches on obscure topics, so they'll find what they want anyway. Besides, I don't know about you, but if I discover a good blog, I will eventually scour the archives looking for past gems.6. The Calendar is the Only Navigation - Guilty. Sorry. I don't get paid enough to care...7. Irregular Publishing Frequency - Unlike most amateur bloggers who are only in it for possible fame, I do this for the possible fame and the need to hear myself talk. Don't worry, this aforementioned need will not allow me to let this blog lapse, unless I'm unable to access a computer.8. Mixing Topics - I have many topics! It's a topic smorgasbord! So sue me. It's a personal blog! Not a freaking newspaper column.....9. Forgetting That You Write for Your Future Boss - It's not my future boss I'm worried about. Which is why I avoid writing about work.10. Having a Domain Name Owned by a Weblog Service - When I am showered with sufficient funds to justify my own domain name, I'll consider it. Until then, I'll faithfully remain a Blogger tramp.

I've never seen a decent panorama of New York City. Until now. The pic to the left is but a supremely shrunken microcosm of the full image, found here. Can you imagine what this view would look like at night?

BrokenShelves are my idea of excellent design. Empty, they look incapable of holding books, but they are more than able to fulfill the task. In fact, because the shelves are of irregular dimensions from one end to the other, it accomodates different sized books. Tres chic.

Here's an idea (from my past) for a really cool, group costume for your Halloween party:

Build or find identical-sized boxes for your group to wear on their body. Make holes for arms and head. The boxes should be big enough to go from shoulder to thigh, but be rectangular, like a lego block. Get some large yogurt containers and attach them to the front (so they stick out) and back (creating a matching sized hole) of the boxes. The trick is to align them so that people can "stick" to one another. Paint your "blocks" different colours and then put them on. Adding yogurt container hats can add to the effect too. Have fun matching up with the other lego blocks in the group. Try to arrive at the party as a group, already connected in one big piece.........

Lawyer: "What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?"Witness: "He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'"Lawyer: "And why did that upset you?"Witness: "My name is Susan."

Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"Witness: "No."Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?"Witness: "No."Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?"Witness: "No."Lawyer: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"Witness: "No."Lawyer: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"Witness: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."Lawyer: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"Witness: "Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."

Saturday, October 15, 2005

Drunktionary - Where you’ll find several common phrases used by drunks and what they translate to in sober-speak.

(Drunk Term = Sober Translation)I LOVE This Song! = I KNOW This Song!Dude, all the chicks at this party are ugly = Dude, none of the chicks at this party will talk to me.You’re my best friend, man = You’re my only friend in arm’s reach right now and I need someone to pay for this shot, man.What’s up, Bro? = What’s up, guy-who’s-name-I-can’t-ever-remember?I had, like, ten beers before I even came out = I'm, like, the kind of guy that lies about how much I drink.Dude, I didn’t even make it out of the dorms last night! = Dude, my girlfriend made me stay in and watch the Gilmore Girls season 1 DVD with her last night!

Friday, October 14, 2005

Man I love a genius ad toy and this IKEA one is the best I've seen in a while. Scene after scene of perfect web design. Execution is awesome, I especially love how the music tones itself down if you bring another window to the foreground.

Thursday, October 13, 2005

Here's the thing. We've come a long way with ice cream technology. Those ucky-tasting cardboard-texture cones have long evolved into much tastier sugar cones - even waffle cones. Last time I checked, these modern ice cream accessories were available at most, if not all ice cream vendors.

Except Dairy Queen. Apparently, the sugar cone recipe is protected by some secret trademark agreement that prohibits probably the leading seller of frozen treats (in Canada) from being able to get and use the product. Well, that's the only explanation I can come up with.....

I'm puzzled. Looking over the nutritional label of a bottle of lemonade - which is made with 'real lemons', claims to have 'no significant amount of vitamin C' present. Meanwhile, a bottle of apple juice (by the same brand) lists 150% of the vitamin C recommended daily intake.

Wha? Ummmm, don't lemons have vitamin C? What did they do? Suck all the vitamin C out of the lemonade before bottling it and put it all in the apple juice?

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

While waiting for my own flight, I watched Air Canada staff trying to convince a woman (who arrived late) to board her flight this morning. This woman just wouldn't listen. Over and over the staff kept telling her, "Go catch your plane NOW!". It was getting ready to pull back from the gate. This woman kept delaying. At one point, a staffer started yelling at her to go. I thought they were going to grab her by the ear and drag her to the plane......

After the third time, I think I might have just let her miss her plane.

At age 4, success is . . . Not peeing your pants.At age 12, success is . . . Having friends.At age 20, success is . . . Having sex.At age 35, success is . . . Making money.At age 60, success is . . . Having sex.At age 70, success is . . . Having friends.At age 80, success is . . . Not peeing your pants.

Oregon: West coast weather, no rolling blackouts.Vermont: Green on so many levels.Florida: Where fun goes to die.California: Come for the movies, stay for the gridlockMontana: The biggest sky allowed by law without a prescription.

This is one of those designs that makes you go "cool". The Shelflife shelving system is a large irregular piece that can be used as a shelving unit or room divider. It has a chair and table that can be pulled out from within the shelves. Very neat.

This is the time of year when we give thanks for the things we have. I have tons to be thankful for over the last few years. I live an amazingly fortunate and synchronistic life. I have a cool family. I'm married to my soulmate. Went from a riotously fun job (ABES) to one that slowly evolved into the kind of work I've been dreaming of getting for over a decade (IT security). I have friends who have stuck with me through my pompous tirades. I own my dream car. I'm not saying all this to brag. I'm saying it because I truly believe that with a dream, the right attitude, and a little perserverance, you can get damned near anything you want.

Saturday, October 08, 2005

Sometimes I put up with a lot. Last night, a kid kept calling on the phone, asking for (mumble). Not recognizing the name, I of course informed him that he had the wrong number. But he kept calling back a few times over the course of a few hours, and not always from the same number. Darlene was convinced the kid was harrassing us - I wasn't. It sounded like he was confused by the fact this (mumble) person wasn't at our number, asserting, "I talked to him earlier - this is the number!" Finally, I asked this loser to spell the name of the person. After assuring 'marble mouth' that nobody by that name was at this number, I hung up and looked the name up online. Numbskull had reversed the middle two digits of the last four numbers. So I called back and educated the young-un on the fine art of taking a number down. IDIOT!!

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle; if the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle; if the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.Q. What separates "60 Minutes," on CBS from every other TV show?A. No theme song.The # symbols is often referred to as a "number sign" or "pound sign." Its actual name is an octothorpe.If you fart continuously for 6 years and 9 months, you will produce gases equivalent to an atomic bomb's energy (don't light a match near my house then....).

Thursday, October 06, 2005

You know, I'm a Liberal - but I'm really annoyed at part of the lame-brained energy relief plan the Feds have come up with. They say they primarily want to help low income people. Such as a $150 rebate to buy a more energy-efficient furnace. OK - look. If you're a low income family, you hardly have the funds to buy a new furnace, so $150 sounds like a nice gesture, but it's meaningless. A wealthy person on the other hand would be able to use that rebate even though they don't really need it.

The government will also create an Office of Petroleum Price Information to ensure that people know whether they're being gouged by fuel costs, but this office will have no power to actually do anything about it. HELLO! We already know we're being gouged! We don't need more civil servants telling us we're being gouged.

Meanwhile, MP's have given themselves a 10% increase in their mileage allowance. How nice. That means a round trip from Ottawa to Montreal and back would earn a mileage allowance of $193. That does not include meals or hotels...

I just love this article, Anatomy of a photograph. It's a wonderful example of why you can't always believe everything you see in media - even if it's a photo. That's because it's not difficult to change the context of a photo by cropping it - which removes the parts the presenter doesn't want you to see. Very cool.