Can This Relationship Be Helped?

By Dr. Margaret Paul December 31, 2006

Can a relationship be saved or improved if one partner doesn't want to work on it, or one partner is a alcoholic? Read this article and find out!

In my counseling practice,
individuals often come to me for help wondering if it is really possible to
save or improve their relationship. Perhaps their partner is totally
uninterested in working on the relationship. Perhaps their partner is
an alcoholic or drug addict. What are their chances of saving their
relationship?

Since two people always get together at their common level of
woundedness, here is what I say to the partner who has sought my
help: "As long as you choose to remain in this relationship, there
are things for you to learn. Each partner contributes their 100% to
the relationship. While it is often easy to see what your partner is
doing that is harmful to the relationship, it is often difficult to
see what you are doing. Yet until you learn about your part in this
relationship system, you will take your own dysfunctional behavior
with you into another relationship. It's generally a waste of time -
unless there is physical abuse - to leave a relationship before
healing your own end of the system. The time to leave is when you
have learned to make yourself happy regardless of what your mate is
doing. When you learn to take 100% responsibility for your own
feelings and needs, and if your partner is still behaving in ways
that are unacceptable to you, then it's time to leave. You need to
discover how to respond to your partner in ways that are loving to
yourself and that support your own joy and highest good."

When the partner who is available to counseling does his or her
inner work, one of two things happen. Either the other partner likes
what is happening and becomes more open, or the relationship becomes
more distant and difficult. I tell my clients that it is a 50-50 deal
- half the time things get better and half the time they get worse.
They need to be okay with either outcome. If fact, I encourage them
to let go of the outcome and just be in the process of learning how
to take loving care of themselves through the consistent practice of Inner Bonding.

Let's take some examples. Craig is unhappy in his marriage because
his wife, Gloria, is often angry and judgmental toward him. Craig
sees himself as the victim of Gloria's unloving behavior, blaming her
for his unhappiness. However, Craig is a equal part of the
relationship system. He generally reacts to Gloria's anger with
compliance, giving himself up in his covert attempt to control
Gloria's anger. He believes that being a "nice guy" will control her
feelings and behavior. So, while Gloria is attempting to overtly
control Craig, Craig is attempting to covertly control Gloria. Until
Craig starts to speak his truth rather than give himself up as his
form of control, he will feel resentful and distant with Gloria. If
he has the courage to take loving care of himself by speaking his
total truth without blame or judgment, and take loving action for
himself based on his truth, then either things will get better or
they will get worse. The only way Craig will be able to be honest and
take care of himself is if he is willing to lose Gloria rather than
continue to lose himself.

Marilyn is married to Martin, a non-abusive functioning alcoholic.
The problem for Marilyn is that when Martin drinks, which is every
night, he completely disconnects from her and she feel very lonely
with him. She's tried in many ways to get Martin to connect to her,
but nothing has worked. Most nights, Marilyn just watches TV, feeling
sad and alone.

Until Marilyn decides to do whatever she needs to do to make
herself happy, nothing will change. If she decides to take classes,
get together with friends, join the Inner Bonding membership community, join a support group or go to Alanon, she
will no longer be a victim of Martin's decision to withdraw through
alcohol. If Marilyn continues to take care of herself over a time -
six months to a year - and nothing changes, then she can decide to
leave. Or, she can decide to stay and just continue making herself
happy. The possibility also exist that when Marilyn stops pulling on
Martin to make her happy, he may decide to deal with himself rather
than be left alone most of the time.

Can this relationship be helped? Maybe. Do your own Inner Bonding work and
find out!