New Study Says All Dogs are Atheists

Esteemed scientists in the academic community have published results to a new study that drastically changes lives for teens, all dogs are atheists. "Have you ever seen a dog go to church?" Harvard professor James Seltzer asks teens. "Of course not, so that leaves two options, dogs are either atheists or satanists." Scientists quickly narrowed it down to atheists after no one in the world reported seeing a canine summoning the dark lord.

some dogs are more atheist than others

So what does this mean for teens? Dr. Mikeal Franz, a world renowned dog teen relationship expert had some words, "Not all dogs go to heaven. In fact, no dogs go to heaven. Heaven is dogless. Dog is God backwards, perfectly representing how the kingdom of paradise is the opposite of what dogs go to when they die."