JERUSALEM, Israel -- After a few days of intense investigation into the deaths of 4 UN Stalkers at an UNSOP (United Nations Operational Stalking Position), Chief Investigator deBlase Lotrimin has this to say : "It seems that the coordinates of the UN stalking point were misplaced in the Destroy Box not in the Do not Destroy Box, it is like an In and Out box you have in the office, it just got misplaced, we didn't actually mean to kill the stalk-- I mean observing UN forces"

In the smoldering UN base, UnNews was surveying the damage when the they got a glimpse to what seems to be a survivor of the attack trying to dig something from the rubble. "The pictures...my PICTURES!!" the man screamed as he used his bare hands to move huge chunks of concrete. Upon seeing UnNews he suddenly ran away yelling "I swear by Allah, THEY WERE LEEEGAAALL". He was promply blown to shit by yet another Israeli pinpoint strike.

The pilot of the Apache Helicopter who launched the deadly missile has this to say to UnNews : "Well, actually we tried to hit it fifteentimes already, they all missed." Then he added laughing "We then found out that the laser targeting system wasn't on".

The Chinese government, where one of its citizens has died, has this to say to Israel : "We are going to import to your country cheap Chinese goods and turn your trade balance to the negative!"

Other governments condemn the attacks as outrageous and scandalous except Canada, who took this opportunity to drink more beer.

Finally, on CNN's Larry King Live show Koffi Annan said "You know Larry, all this for stolen bagels got me wondering how good those bagels were."

Oil prices increased by $ .09 and Microsoft's stock dropped a significant 1 % after fears of more users using MAC and firefox.