Police Dispatch

Who Poo'ed the Pool?

Who pooped in the pool. Come on guys. Who pooped in the gosh darned pool.

Rincon Beat

Dec. 28, 2:30 p.m.

A private housing community's private swimming pool was subjected to a very inappropriately private act—namely, the evacuation of someone's bowels—as well as the "dumping" of some other items, according to a Pima County Sheriff's Department report.

A sheriff's deputy drove out to an exclusive east-side residential community to meet with its property manager. She delicately informed him that "some damage was done to the community pool"—more specifically, that some unidentified person (presumably acting alone) had jumped the pool area's gate and "defecated in the pool."

A notable quantity of excrement was indeed visible to the deputy, who (understandably) chose not to challenge the reportee's assumption that it was from a human, or in fact exactly how it had gotten in the water.

In addition, the reportee said, someone had grabbed numerous poolside lounging and sunbathing chairs, as well as a large shade umbrella, hauled them across the poolside pavement and hurled them into the pool. They were all visible bobbing around in the water alongside the floating poop. It was presumed that the chair-and-umbrella thrower was also the pool pooper.

The property manager said the subject must have acted the previous days sometime between 2:22 p.m. and 6 a.m., possibly—but not necessarily—under the cover of darkness. Unfortunately, the area had no video surveillance, and the reportee had no inkling of who could've done it, nor could she think of a possible motive for anyone to put poop and patio furniture in that pool.

Although there was no permanent property damage, she said, it would cost about $500 to remove the mess from the pool, then drain and re-fill it.

The deputy photographed the floating feces and furniture for evidence.