This is something that is pretty unrelated to the Russian. And more about me venting about some current life situations. Mainly, my job.

I had a job, when I first started this blog (same job I met the Russian at) and I LOVED IT. I love working in environments where I can meet a lot of people, make friends, do thought provoking work and make money. Do to the economy and the field of work I was in the position I held was cut due to budgetary issues. I literally jumped from job to job that summer trying to find something that actually paid my bills (house note, credit cards and slight shopping addiction) while keeping my attention.

The two jobs I had did none of those. I never think of myself as high and mighty or above others, but those jobs felt so beneath me I never wanted to talk about what I did with anyone. Hell, I never even changed my job on Facebook. My current job, I’m proud to have (the pay could be a lot better) and don’t mind discussing it with other people. However, it is a male dominated field and the men (except for one) are not good guys. Very chauvinistic, controlling, micromanagers and well, mean.

I’m already getting the urge to find another job. I’ve been here for about six months and it just isn’t doing it for me anymore. I’m still in my mid-twenties and I feel like life is too short to stay in one job I’m not enjoying. Many of the girls I work with I just adore. They crack me up and we have become friends. I’d hate to lose that but if I get screamed at because a boss couldn’t find something of his (I’m not his assistant, personal secretary or wife) I will lose my mind. I get fussed at enough by the man I’m dating.

I plan to update my resume and start slowly putting it out there just to see what I find. Is that horrible of me? I just know what it’s like to work in a great environment where I can learn things so I don’t want to settle. Also, the idea of keeping the same job I don’t thoroughly enjoy for the next 20 years terrifies me.

When the Russian wanted me back, he made all these huge gestures and made big statements about love and us. Then it seemed around February it changed. I’m not sure if he got too comfortable, we moved too fast too soon, he is unsure or if I’m overthinking everything. After the holidays and my birthday things were just amazing. He told me he loved me on a regular basis, complimented me, talked to me and was always reassuring if I ever had questions or worries.

He finally had surgery for his back, that recovery time was hard because he basically lived with me for a month. I am so use to having my space at some point so we would bicker every now and then. I will say some of that could be blamed on me. He was always around and I was always having to cater to him, which in turn got to be exhausting because in my mind he should still be catering to me. Especially since I never did anything wrong.

When his house was finally finished he moved in and I became a little sad. In a sick way, as much as I wanted my own space I still wanted to see him and talk to him very day. So I became paranoid he’d go back to how he was before, and I’d never really see him. Then he’d just forget about me.

It just seems like lately we have been arguing so much more. I’m trying to change certain things or fix things, but it sometimes seems like it is not enough. He hasn’t told me he loves me in a month. Which I had finally brought up to him in an argument. Part of me wonders if I’m trying to push him away, or maybe he is trying to push me away. He doesn’t include me in as much anymore. He will say things like, “We don’t have to be so formal anymore.” Or, if he’s doing work at his business or home, instead of asking me to help he basically implies I should be a better girlfriend and just offer. But I never know what he’s doing. And previously, even when we weren’t officially dating, he would ask me to help and I always did.

He’s also starting to become controlling again. And mean. Very, very mean. He nitpicks on me for almost any and everything. The way I ask questions, give my opinion, drive, take care of my contacts, or whatever else he can think of he will tell me how I’m doing it wrong. What bothers me the most about that is he will now tell me, if I ask if he’s sure he wants this or me, is he tells me I’m being either insecure, needy or need to much reassurance and by me being that way pushes him away.

I just don’t know what to do at this point. Do I leave him and this relationship? Do I take a break? Do I give up all hope? I can’t stay in this weird limbo anymore and I certainly cannot bring it up to again or else I’ll get “in trouble” like a child.

We had a decent weekend together. Spent more time together from Thursday to last night than we have in almost two weeks. I’ll have to talk about that more later. I’m just so frustrated and confused. I have no one else I can really talk to about this anymore. My mom wants me to just leave him as she can’t stand him or the way he’s been treating me anymore. I’m somewhat mad at my best friend since she won’t be supportive or anything anymore even though I was there for her relationship problems. And we all know I can’t talk to him.

I know it’s been a while. Way too long than I intended it to be. So much has happened and continues to happen. Some of it good, some bad. I feel though like I’m in some kind of constant state of confusion. Just when I think things are going amazing with the Russian, he either pulls back and becomes distant or something gets in the way.

If I don’t see him tonight I will work on a longer post. Writing always seems to help me get my feelings and thoughts better organized. I guess my main question, how do you know if someone’s feelings are real? And if they haven’t changed or gone away?

I think once I write I’ll understand it better. Until then, wait for me.