Brother has been taking care of dad. he has reached the burn out stage. there is nothing i can do to help. dad is stil aware of surroundings and i hate to see him go to a nursing home. brother cant handle his incontinence and has to do something. he has poa and i am truely helpless here. need advice on feeling guilty

24 Answers

I agree that your brother needs help. I also agree that not everyone is in a position to jump in and take over the caregiving. Let go of the guilt and try to help your brother find a good nursing home for your father.

Sometimes the exact right way to help is to realize we ourselves can't do it. I think we would be amazed at the deplorable conditions some people grow old and die in because family believes SO strongly that they cannot put their loved one into a care facility . . . like that's a betrayal...a surrender...or they refuse to spend "their inheritance" on getting their loved one proper care.

If that's your brother's decision, he's making the hard choice. If you support him at every turn, your dad will have a much easier transition; your brother will get the relief he desperately needs; and everyone can rest easy that your dad is being kept safe, clean, well fed. That he's have some social stimulation, many touches and smiles.

Nursing homes and assisted living facilities are not the snake pits we sometimes believe they are.

Support your brother's decision -- whatever it is. Dad entrusted his care to him. Your job to help keep the faith.

If your brother needs relief, get it for him ASAP. But that doesn't mean that you have to step in if you aren't able. Caregiving isn't for everyone and I tend to think it's the hardest job in the world. There's nothing wrong with not wanting to get into all of that. It doesn't make you a bad daughter or a bad person. When I was my dad's caregiver my brother would tell me that it was a good thing I was doing it because there was no way he would be able to do it.

But if your brother is needing out and you aren't able to take over then your dad will need to be placed in a nursing home and placing a loved one in a nursing home always comes with a little guilt, in my opinion. I had to eventually place my dad in a nursing home so I understand the guilt. I think it's normal and doesn't indicate that you should take over caregiving duties.

littlebit2, you can be helpful by supporting your brother wishes that it is time to place Dad into some type of continuing care facility.

Your brother is burnt out because he's doing the work of 3 people.... at a facility the workers work one shift, go home, and the next day start fresh.... your brother had been doing all three shifts. Be proud that your brother was able to put in the time that he did.

And don't feel guilty that you haven't been able to help out doing hands-on care. Not everyone can be a Caregiver, just as not everyone can be a doctor, a pilot, a lawyer, a firefighter, etc. You can send good wishes to your Dad, send him a box of things he might like, call him on a regular basis if you can, etc.

There are options besides A living at home through to Z Nursing Home - what help is your brother getting with your father? Is it just the incontinence that's the issue? Or is that more like the last straw on top of a number of other issues that have already stressed the poor guy out over a long time?

I'm not saying NH isn't the right option, just that you and/your brother might have plenty of others to consider. It's always worth exploring the possibilities. Or have you already passed that stage? The best help you can offer your brother is to help him think through how to manage your father's care, then support his decision and do your best to be positive about it.

About you, and feeling guilty. Guilt is your conscience's way of telling you to check whether you've done all you can. And you have. So tell your conscience that if it has anything more to say it can either come up with some constructive suggestions, or else get lost.

Save your brother, please. And believe me when I say some of these places are very nice. Go up to the Search Site box and type in your city and state. Start looking around and also go to the Money and Legal tab and click on Paying for Care.

Please save your brother and both of you seek out reputable nursing homes or assisted living. I agree with the above. It's a very difficult call, but to save everyone's sanity and wellbeing, it's probably the best choice given the circumstances.

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Have you looked at the cost-benefit of having an in-house help to take care of your Dad and give relief to your brother? Somehow you have to come up with a solution that is acceptable to you, your brother and comfortable to your Dad. -

I would agree with joesfortune, investigate paying for help in the home as well as AL and NH facilities. I would have a urologist check your father out to see if the current incontinence has a solution or not. If your father is still alert mentally he would probably find living in a NH less than stimulating. However, your brother can not cover his care 24/7 without help. Good Luck.

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