Thursday, June 3, 2010

Here's Some Headlines

I was so inspired by all your kind and supportive blog-comments yesterday that I went and had the word TATTOO tattooed across my forehead. Next stop: Bombshell McGhee’s house to hear her ideas on how to stop the BP Oil Spill in the Gulf. Don’t tell, but I say we shove her in the broken pipe, face first. Tell her it’s a hidden portal to cheap fame and fast money. Seriously though, thanks for reading, even if my rants enrage you. Always happy to hear what you guys have to say. Thank you Troy Record readers! Now here's some headlines!

Tonight the LA Lakers hope to move one step closer to claiming a second-straight NBA Championship. And in the process take revenge against a Boston Celtics team that destroyed them in 2008. Of course all the talk will be about the history between the two teams, all those championships. My attention will be on Lakers star Kobe Bryant, who I believe is the greatest NBA player who’s ever lived. Oh my God! Even better than King James? Way better than King James. I saw Magic, Larry, and Michael Jordan all play. I say Kobe’s better. But I admit he needs to beat this Boston team to ensure his legacy. No way an all-time great can lose to the same team twice in 3 years and be considered better than MJ. If Kobe wins this’ll be his fifth ring at 31 years old. I know many will say the first 3 rings were Shaq’s, and Kobe was along for the ride. But that’s just not true. When Shaq won his first ring he was 28. When he was traded from LA to Miami he was around 32, 33. By the time he took the court with the Heat four months later, he looked like he was suddenly 38, and it’s been downhill ever since. Wonder why. Kobe’s been the best for ten years. At this pace he will break all of Jordan’s scoring records and his record for NBA championships. He's already been to the finals more than Jordan (7). I say he’s the best ever. But we shall see. Speaking of seeing, Gov. Paterson has gone public with his NBA Finals prediction for this year: Orlando Magic in 6 games.

The community has come together to raise $65,000 to help rebuild the Lark Tavern that was ravaged by fire a few months back. I think it’s a good thing for people to help get back something they love. I know there’s some that think that kind of money could go to better use. But that’s nonsense, like feeding hungry kids in Africa. That sounds good, but come on, get real. I’ve been to the Lark Tavern a few times. It was always pretty good, and I was sorry to hear what happened to it. Hopefully this money will help the business get up and running again. It’s a city landmark. Besides if this bar stays closed, I’ll have to start hanging out at The Silver Slipper on Saturday nights. The last time I went there the bar’s regulars beat me pretty badly out back. One guy even shoved my pocket protector down my throat, while another ripped my underwear out of my pants. Then they took turns drawing funny things on my face with my red pens. But no way that happens again. Right?

Hey big news, HUGE NEWS, GIGANTIC NEWS. It’s official. The GOP has nominated the great Rick Lazio to be the next NYS Governor. New Yorkers, take a long sigh of relief. The hard times are almost over. How do I know that? Easy. He says really funny things like, “Let’s put an end to the status Cuomo.” Get it? It’s a pun. All he needs now is “The Queen of Fake Outrage” Sarah Palin’s script writer to come work for him, so he can say more cool things like “going rouge,” and “There you go again, Joe, I mean Cuomo.” The only thing I know about Rick Lazio: he got SMASHED by Hillary Clinton in the Junior-Senator election a few years back. My election prediction for Nov.: Cuomo 96%, the CEO of BP Oil, 2.3%, the Devil 1%, Rick Lazio, .07%. It’ll be a real barn burner.

Everybody’s favorite Dutchman is back in the news. Big Joran van der Sloot. You might remember him from the Natalie Holloway murder in Aruba, 5 years ago. He’s the one who basically admitted to the crime several times, but somehow has never been charged. Looks like JVDS has struck again, this time in Peru. Now it’s a 21 year old brutally stabbed. Peruvian newspapers report that Stephany Tatiana Flores Ramirez was found dead inside a room at the hotel Tac in the Miraflores district this morning. The woman had been stabbed and wrapped in a blanket. Family members of the victim say she was last seen with van der Sloot at a local casino. Here’s the kicker: the hotel room in which her body was found was also registered in van der Sloot's name, or as he’s known around the world: Sexual psychopath who murders young girls and gets away with it. It’s a long alias, but it works. Now he’s en-route to Argentina. Word of advice to pretty, blonde-haired, blue-eyed women everywhere, especially if you like to get wasted in really shady countries: Don’t hang out with Joran van der Sloot! Who? You know old JVDS. He’s the guy who’s been on every news channel around the world for the last 5 years, suspected of brutally murdering two of you already. Yeah, that guy. Don’t get drunk and go to a casino, or nightclub, or even a Rick Lazio rally with that guy. I just realized something: Now that this guy has hooked up with two girls, he’s two ahead of me. Must be his witty personality and killer charm. But I feel a big streak coming on for me! Fingers crossed.

The Gulf Oil Spill. This might end up being the worst natural disaster in modern history. Everybody’s railing on BP for this mess, and rightfully so, sure. But I say this: It happened there’s no way to reverse that. So before you bang on BP, I ask you: How would you stop a raging oil blow at 5,000 feet below sea level? By all means, step up, let’s hear what you have. And saying something witty like, "It's time to put an end to the oil spill-omo" just isn't going to cut it on this one. Sorry Lazio lovers.

OK, I admit it: American Idol was terrible this year. Even the always-solid Justin Beiber was a disappointment when performing. Lee DeWyze will be back at the paint store by this time in 2012. One big, giant who cares, right? I get it. I say next year, ten judges who know nothing about music, each judge critiques for two minutes each. That should bring Idol back to its glory. Bet we could plug the BP spill with that fallen FOX franchise. Both are about 5,000 below sea level by now.