And damn, if that’s not good advice. But… it’s not really working. I think I found a more appropriate description to how I feel these days….

(Watch the video, read the lyrics and watch it one more time. You think this bit is about comedy, but the whole damn thing is much, much deeper and I think every word is a metaphor for something else…)

It takes a couple minutes into the song, but this is what my burrito is like these days:

Lyrics by Bo Burnham

Can I say my shit? Can I say my shit? I’ve got lots of shit to say I’ve got lots of shit to say I can’t fit my hand inside a pringle can I have a huge amount of trouble Fitting my hand inside a pringle can I can get my hand like four inches in But then I have to tilt the can into my mouth But then a bunch of crumbs have accumulated at the bottom of the can So they all go spilling onto my face What I’m trying to say is that the diameter Of pringle cans are way too small I’ll say it again The diameter of a pringle can is way too small Two raidiuses of a pringle can is way too small If you feel me, put your hands up Come on! If you feel me, put your hands up Look at all these hands that are way too big to fit inside a pringle can Those hands are too big to fit inside a pringle can Your hands are too big to fit inside a pringle can You think you can, I know you can Pringles! Listen to the people, I am sure ninety percent of the complaint letters you get Are about the fucking width of your cans We’re not animals Okay, I’ve overdone the pringles thing Sorry I want to have a daughter I want to have a daughter So I can finally have someone around the house who can fit their hands Into pringle cans Yes, I’m still on the pringle cans thing! I will move on, alright? But that is priority numbero uno I don’t go to the gym Because I’m self concious about my body But I’m self concious about my body because I don’t go to the gym Isn’t that- That’s irony Irony can be painful Alright, let’s do this Let’s do this! I went to Chipotle I went to Chipotle And I got myself a chicken burrito I went down the line, and I got all these ingredients And at the end of the line The guy tried to wrap the burrito But half of the shit inside the burrito spilled out I was like, dude you should have warned me! You’re a burrito expert You should have told me halfway through! Hey, man. You might be reaching maximum burrito capacity here Do you fucking think I want a messy burrito? No one wants a messy burrito The whole appeal of the burrito is that all of the ingredients are contained Within the confines of the tortilla I wouldn’t have gotten half of the shit if I knew it wasn’t gonna fit inside it! Alright? I wouldn’t of got the lettuce if I knew it wouldn’t fit I wouldn’t of got the cheese if I knew it wouldn’t fit I wouldn’t of got the peppers if I knew it wouldn’t fit I wouldn’t have got Half of it I’m okay with small mistakes If you’ve got no more chicken, I’ll take pork But I’ll blow my dad before I eat a burrito with a fork I wouldn’t of got the lettuce if I knew it wouldn’t fit I wouldn’t of got the cheese if I knew it wouldn’t fit I wouldn’t of got the peppers if I knew it wouldn’t fit I wouldn’t have got half of it right Half of it right Half of it right Half of it right now I think it’s time I Think it’s time I think we’ll break it down

Put the lotion in the basket No, they’re too young I can sit here and pretend Like my biggest problems are Pringle cans And burritos But the truth is, my biggest problem is you I want to please you But I want to stay true to myself I want to give you the night out that you deserve But I want to say what I think And not care what you think about it Part of me loves you Part of me hates you Part of me needs you Part of me fears you And I don’t think that I can handle this right now I don’t think that I can handle this right now I don’t think that I can handle this right now

I don’t think that I can handle this right now. [x2] They don’t even know the half of this right now Look at them, they’re just staring at me Like come and watch the Skinny kid with a Steadily declining mental health And laugh as he attempts to give you what he cannot give himself

I don’t think that I can handle this right now. [x2] They don’t even know the half of this right now They don’t even know the half of it But I know I’m not a doctor I’m a pussy who puts On a silly show So I should probably just shut up And do my job So here I go

I wouldn’t of got the lettuce if I knew it wouldn’t fit I wouldn’t of got the cheese if I knew it wouldn’t fit I wouldn’t of got the peppers if I knew it wouldn’t fit I wouldn’t of got half You can tell them anything if You just make it funny Make it rhyme If they still don’t understand you Then you Run it one more time

I don’t think that I can handle this right now. [x2] If you think that I can handle this right now Then you don’t even know the half of this right now Right now Now Handle this right Handle this right Handle this right now

So yeah… emotional, heavy last week or so. Lots of experiences to think and write about. And today has kinda been a hard day. I missed my cymbalta for two days due to refill hassles you run into when traveling. Stupid stupid insurance companies and “contracted” pharmacies. But finally got my pills… feeling the effects of missing them though.

I want to write about ALL the goings on of late,but I’m just going to bite of a teeny tiny chunk. Was able to see my old friend Teri this week. Haven’t seen her in over a year and a half, but we were very close. She was my “woo woo” friend. We used to find all the alternative practitioners in town… search out the tarot readers, psychics… just we did a lot of searching and talking together. Something I’ve missed.

So we were able to meet for lunch, then had a little time to run to the bookstore. And we were there looking at all the cool new age books and tarot sets… and the more I looked, the more I realized I have been searching outside for something I am just going to have to figure out how to find inside. I keep thinking God is out there somewhere… but truth is, my God just ISN’T out there. If it’s anywhere,.. I’m going to have to find it inside. All the books, the intuitives, etc… they don’t have my answers.

Which is too bad, ’cause… I’m just …. man, the whole God thing… I have so much anger and frustration, confusion… SO MUCH…. I just don’t know if I’ll ever untangle that mess inside.

Someone asked me last week if I had been able to forgive, referring to my assault. I pretty much don’t think about him all that much, and I have empathy for what his life was growing up, so I don’t know if that’s forgiveness or not, but I don’t think it’s a bad place to be either. I’ve worked a lot on forgiving myself, so I don’t think I’m really hung up there… but how do you forgive GOD? Especially when you don’t even know what or who God is to you? I know what I want to believe… but I know what the facts of my life say. And I can’t make the two coincide. I just can’t.

But anyway, back to my epiphany… it’s not in those books… it’s not in the angels…

And this song probably only loosely ties in, but it hits the right feels and that last line… I just love it right now….(someday I’m going to write about that damn movie….)

So much has changed this last week. Internal changes. Things shifting and circling. It’s kind of been a lot of personal enlightenment, all at one. Shifting, circling, new perceptions, understandings… SO MUCH. And I really wish I could write about it right now. But it’s so overwhelming I can’t even think to put the words to it,

I will say that I watched “The Fault In Our Stars” twice this week. and it has changed my life. That sounds sort of cheesy if you’ve seen it… but it really really has. I want to write, but I’m still sorting. Hopefully things settle a bit soon and I can try and make sense of it all. I know it’s all good shifts, but it gives me anxiety anyway. Been hard to keep my brain unoccupied enough to sleep because it keeps dwelling on this stuff. But I think I’m on to something….!

So, husband had to go out of town for 2 weeks for work. Which of course means I need to arrange babysitting for myself since I can’t stay home alone like that. So I spent spent a couple days with the nieces (yay), then caught a ride to my parents house for the next couple of weeks. In just the last couple days I have seen family and friends and have actually had a number of good experiences.

I’ve had a lot of things I’ve wanted to say. As I’ve said before, I survive by trying to go unnoticed. But I’ve been opening my mouth a lot the last couple of days, including a very loud conversation with my parents, grandparents and aunt about gay rights today. I was pretty much on my own side, which I expected. I did not expect any minds to change and no one was angry, but it felt so great to speak my mind so unexpectedly and to just feel honestly me! I don’t know how anyone else felt about it later, and it kinda doesn’t matter? Mostly, I’m just so high on being me for once.

Also, my aunt thinks I’m whimsical. She meant it as an absolute compliment and I absolutely took it as one. Really, one of the nicest things I’ve heard about myself in a long long time.

Total panic attack right now. Freaking out and want to throw up. Sheesh. I used to have clonazepam “as needed” for this shit.

So I saw the phsyc doc about 2 weeks ago to kind of get his view on the ECT or if he had other ideas for meds. He was actually quite ambivalent and unhelpful about the ECT, saying he wouldn’t discourage me from checking it out further, but he wasn’t actually saying “yes lets do this” either. He DID suggest that instead of taking clonazepam so irregularly that it would probably do me more good to take it twice a day every day. I had been taking one most of the the time but my prescription was for up to 3 if I needed. So now I’m taking two at night before bed, which HAS helped me sleep better and hopefully will keep me “level” rather than “up and down” as the psych put it. BUT if I”m full of anxiety right now after taking my 2 nearly 3 hours ago, can I still take another one without messing up this trial of seeing if the dosage change help? I DON”T FREAKING KNOW.

—-

I started writing this an hour ago and have since been able to address one of the main reasons freaking me out. I have to go out of town for a while and was invited to stay a couple days at one of my best friend’s house. I REALLY wanted to say yes, (so I did!) because I SO FREAKIN” WANT TO BE NORMAL! And I so look forward to spending time with this friend. But it’s a newer house, one I don’t know well… she’ll have other family there… and while she totally gets where I am emotionally/mentally/physically right now… well… keeping up the facade for everyone else is tough. And nights are so hard for me. I started worrying about everything that could go wrong and I was just freaking out. Nearly threw up.

BUT bonus points for me- I’m learning to recognize and respect my needs. I called her and hardly got 3 words out and she was like “I totally understand. No worries!” Then we chatted for another hour and it was so great. SHE’s so great. True friends are few, but the ones I have are the best.

Anxiety is still high though. Hoping it will just calm down soon if I can wait it out a bit longer.

So… I haven’t dropped off the face of the earth 🙂 I’m still around… The last couple of weeks have been just really overwhelming to me and I’ve had trouble finding both the energy and words, so I avoid. I am very good at that. I avoid so well that most of the time I don’t even know what it really is that I am avoiding. But it wears on me the longer I do it. Tonight, I just feel a very heavy heart.

I don’t do very well with identifying my own pain. It’s very rare that I can sit with it when I find it. On the rare occasion in therapy that I let the tears flow, there’s a quick moment where I mentally go, “hey I’m crying, well this is good…” but then it’s gone. And I cannot reconnect with it. I can talk about things and share the stories of my life, but it’s like they happened to someone else. It’s really really rare that I can share the story and the emotion in the same space. I just don’t know how. But I’m really good at feeling pain for others. Hearing other stories and feeling anger, helplessness, sadness, pain for what others have experienced. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Empathy is one of the things I love about myself. But I don’t balance it well. And I think the more I am running from my own stuff, the more I allow it to overwhelm me.

I love this blogging space that I’ve discovered. I started writing for me, and never really expected to connect so strongly to so many people. And I love the interaction I have had with so many people here. I’m grateful for it. And I’m not going anywhere 🙂 But if it seems that I am around less or commenting less, it’s because I have to respect the part of me that is overwhelmed with so many things right now- things that are mine and things that are not mine. I’ll still be reading though… I love all of you I have connected with. And I love reading what you share. I’m just working out my shit 🙂

Hopefully I’ll be able to write more soon, too. I love being able to share here. It’s become really important to me, this space and all of you who are reading. Just needing some time to separate the words from the feelings, I guess. Thanks to everyone who continues to follow and support – you mean the world!

"If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, 'God is crying', and if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, 'Probably because of something you did'." ~ Jack Handey