Something to Say with Keith Newbery: I always thought chlamydia was a spring-flowering shrub

MY PARENTS were neither posh enough nor rich enough to employ a nanny to look after me – but 60 years beyond the cradle I’m beginning to find out what it would have been like.

Last week I had a chiropody check-up and the woman frowned at a small patch of peeling skin.

“That looks like the start of athlete’s foot,” she said. “Best get some cream before it gets any worse.”

As this particular foot is now the only thing about my superstructure to which the adjective ‘athletic’ can realistically be applied, its welfare became a matter of some urgency.

So I toddled off to Boots, where the young woman behind the counter presented me with that desperate smile common to those who think they are about to be asked a trick question. Nothing could have been further from the truth.

I should imagine ‘please may I have a tube of athlete’s foot ointment?’ is about as uncomplicated as it gets in a chemists’ shop.

“Yeah, but are you taking any other medication?” was the unexpected reply.

“Plenty,” I assured her, “but I don’t rub any into my feet. Be assured my big toe is not in imminent danger of an overdose.”

The pharmacist was summoned, and when I refused to appraise him of my entire medical history in public simply to forestall the annoyance of a tingling toe, he decided I was not to be trusted with a pot of cream which had now assumed the aura of hemlock.

It was time for the fight back to begin.

“By the way,” I said, “on my way into your emporium I could not help but notice the poster on the door offering me a chance to win a ticket for the Olympics.”

He beamed contentedly.

“And apparently, all I have to do to be eligible for such a prize is take a test for chlamydia.”

He nodded, but the confidence drained somewhat from his smile.

“But since I always thought chlamydia was a spring-flowering shrub, perhaps you would be kind enough to describe this infection to me in some detail so I can judge whether it’s worthwhile my entering.”

He declined – which is why my foot is still itching and a seat at London 2012 remains a distant dream.

HAVE you noticed how television experts – in a desperate attempt to look different – all end up looking the same?

This website and its associated newspaper adheres to the Independent Press Standards Organisation's Editors' Code of Practice.
If you have a complaint about editorial content which relates to inaccuracy or intrusion, then contact the
Editor by clicking here.

If you remain dissatisfied with the response provided then you can contact the IPSO by
clicking here.

Eastbourne Herald provides news, events and sport features from the Eastbourne area. For the best up to date information relating to Eastbourne and the surrounding areas visit us at Eastbourne Herald regularly or bookmark this page.

For you to enjoy all the features of this website Eastbourne Herald requires permission to use cookies.

Find Out More ▼

What is a Cookie?

What is a Flash Cookie?

Can I opt out of receiving Cookies?

About our Cookies

Cookies are small data files which are sent to your browser (Internet Explorer, Firefox, Chrome etc) from a website you visit. They are stored on your electronic device.

This is a type of cookie which is collected by Adobe Flash media player (it is also called a Local Shared Object) - a piece of software you may already have on your electronic device to help you watch online videos and listen to podcasts.

Yes there are a number of options available, you can set your browser either to reject all cookies, to allow only "trusted" sites to set them, or to only accept them from the site you are currently on.

However, please note - if you block/delete all cookies, some features of our websites, such as remembering your login details, or the site branding for your local newspaper may not function as a result.

The types of cookies we, our ad network and technology partners use are listed below:

Revenue Science ►

A tool used by some of our advertisers to target adverts to you based on pages you have visited in the past. To opt out of this type of targeting you can visit the 'Your Online Choices' website by clicking here.

Google Ads ►

Our sites contain advertising from Google; these use cookies to ensure you get adverts relevant to you. You can tailor the type of ads you receive by visiting here or to opt out of this type of targeting you can visit the 'Your Online Choices' website by clicking here.

Digital Analytics ►

This is used to help us identify unique visitors to our websites. This data is anonymous and we cannot use this to uniquely identify individuals and their usage of the sites.

Dart for Publishers ►

This comes from our ad serving technology and is used to track how many times you have seen a particular ad on our sites, so that you don't just see one advert but an even spread. This information is not used by us for any other type of audience recording or monitoring.

ComScore ►

ComScore monitor and externally verify our site traffic data for use within the advertising industry. Any data collected is anonymous statistical data and cannot be traced back to an individual.

Local Targeting ►

Our Classified websites (Photos, Motors, Jobs and Property Today) use cookies to ensure you get the correct local newspaper branding and content when you visit them. These cookies store no personally identifiable information.

Grapeshot ►

We use Grapeshot as a contextual targeting technology, allowing us to create custom groups of stories outside out of our usual site navigation. Grapeshot stores the categories of story you have been exposed to. Their privacy policy and opt out option can be accessed here.

Subscriptions Online ►

Our partner for Newspaper subscriptions online stores data from the forms you complete in these to increase the usability of the site and enhance user experience.

Add This ►

Add This provides the social networking widget found in many of our pages. This widget gives you the tools to bookmark our websites, blog, share, tweet and email our content to a friend.