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The week at home

Fun times with my daughter these last few days. I’m not going to the office this week and she’s not in day care. We’ve got nothing but each other and a fridge full of food.

So the other day I’m thinking I gotta take a dump. Its time. I can’t put it off a moment longer.

Best case scenario, I do the business while her mother is still here in the morning before work or when she’s taking her afternoon nap. But I’ve managed to split the uprights on this one; Mom is gone and the nap is hours away.

I’m doomed. Horribly doomed. I opt for the downstairs toilet with the door open so I can keep an eye on the little hellion. You just know that she’ll stumble across a chainsaw or other obscenely dangerous instrument Dear Old Dad had managed to leave on the kitchen floor. How am I going to explain that one to the wife? Honey, I swear to God, I didn’t even know we owned a chainsaw!

Yeah. Not good.

So, door open and an ear for trouble. Who comes to join me? The little hellion. I say, scram, getta outta here. But she knows better. Daddy’s up to something, and it’s something worth checking out.

She giggles off around the corner, and stupid me, I think I’m in the clear. Oh no. Not me. Anything but clear around here.

I hear her grunting before I see her. She’s managed to drag one of her small little toddle chairs from the living room, past the kitchen and down the hall. She drags it into the bathroom, and places it against the sink cabinet. Before I can say a word, she turns and runs back towards the living room. She returns with her two favorite toys of late, a pink magic wand with streamers and a toy cell phone.

She’s laughing at my discomfort as she sits her little ass down and starts smacking me in the knees with the business end of her wand.

Oh, it was a moment. I resign myself to “company” at the office and finish up the task at hand. Wouldn’t ya know it, I’ve clenched up a bit in the last few minutes wondering if I was going to have to abort in the middle of stocking the bowl with brown trout in order to tend to God knows what involving chainsaws & bulldozers out in the kitchen.

It’s all over but the crying. And the ass wiping. I pause at this point, not having enjoyed the pleasure of wiping my own ass in front of my daughter, or anyone else in memory, and having wiped hers, oh, I dunno, daily for the last year and a half… Oh fuck it.

I wipe, flush, pull my pants and stand. She reaches for the toilet paper roll, I chide her thinking she was going to just knock it all over the floor like she’s done in the past. But, to my surprise (then and now) she tears off a couple of squares, wipes the back of her pants and throws the paper in the garbage can.

Now it’s my turn to laugh hysterically. My mirth only servers to encourage the little thing as she tears off a couple of fresh squares and walks around the house going step step, wipe, step step, wipe and so on.

I still can’t believe that actually happened.

I took a picture of her chair afterwards as it’s just too insane to leave to your imagination.

About big jonny

The man, the legend. The guy who started it all back in the Year of Our Lord Beer, 2000, with a couple of pages worth of idiotic ranting hardcoded on some random porn site that would host anything you uploaded, a book called HTML for Dummies (which was completely appropriate), a bad attitude (which hasn’t much changed), and a Dell desktop running Win95 with 64 mgs of ram and a six gig hard drive. Those were the days. Then he went to law school. Go figure.
Flagstaff, Arizona, USA

11 thoughts on “The week at home”

LMFAO! Dat Brilliant man… and yeah, how else do ya avoid that with a damn toddler girl running around?

Just wait till you hear the first “Oh FUCK” in perfect rhythm come out of her mouth…

Our oldest dropped something she was playing with in the back seat of the car as we are pulling into a parking lot and uttered the phrase with perfect eloquence. It took every ounce in me not to laugh, but i had to turn my head so she couldn’t see my smile. The wife? NOT happy at all.

At least she is learning the important things in life. I had a nephew that watched me try to write my name in the snow and sure enough he started to pretend to do that. I havent had kids yet but i know that turtle would put its head right back in the shell if that happened to me.

There I was, on the edge of my seat waiting for it. I thought whe was going to reach up and make sure that she didn’t have any siblings by snatching and running. Still funny shite though. I deal with the same thing, wait until they get older and can answer the phone, and bring it to you stating to the person on the other end that “My daddy is taking a crap, hold on…”. I heard my little niece mutter something about an arsehole when someone cut me off on the highway.

Very nice…shittin’ w/ the door open. I can’t remember the last time we shut the door in our house. Anyhow, those moment w/ kid just get better and better. My son is old enough now (5)that when we take a piss together, we are sword fighting and he is making lightsaber sounds. And just WAIT until you hear those “words” come out of her mouth. Like the time when my mother-in-law was watching our son (about 3 at the time) and my Palm Tungsten alarm went of and he said “Grammy, what the hell was that?” Oh boy was that a fun time…thanks for the awesome story Jonny!

i do have to say this is a big change in site going from porn to family stories though, but the wordpress thing changed the site completely, I was wondering how to access the old archived stuff u said u werent geting rid of it am i missing something

OK, but let’s assume some shit hit the fan with your kid (yeah, I know – bad choice of words), and you’re in mid-loaf or you’re going through an unholy F5 torrent of green apple splatters. What do you do? Dude – you can’t just hit the pause button and go out to see what’s up. Time to teach the household that pestering the King when he’s on the throne is at their peril. I’m always fond of garlic, asparagus, and beans. The right combination should bring a tear to your eye (literally) and make others wonder what’s living in you. Think of the campfire scene in “Blazing Saddles,” and the bathroom scene in “Friday.”