Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Would you read on? hosted by Diana L. Flegal

Welcome to our weekly column: Would You Read On?

Please let us know if you are willing to read on by leaving a thoughtful
comment for this contributing author. At the close of this
first page you will find a reveal of last weeks nonfiction contributor.

The following page is in the Sci Fi genre.

Kita
wasn’t supposed to come home—ever.

Molly
rushed through the crowded transportation station, ignoring
the sensation of gooseflesh rippling across her arms. Kita, her sister, left
seven years ago on an Abraham Project—a missionary pilgrimage six-hundred light
years away. It was a life-time commitment…supposedly. The telecom said Kita
would need help getting home. But why?

“Molly
Jacobsen, report to gabardine infomation kiosk.” The announcement aired across
the mass com system, so every person in the transportation station heard it in
their personal com link. Molly reached up behind her ear and pressed her own
com link. The message repeated in her hearing only. Her stomach already felt
tight, now it was cramping.

Gabardine information kiosk? She looked around for
something—anything that had any resemblance to what gabardine might be. The
communication-translation software missed the mark for the word, “information.”Perhaps
it missed translating the color and called it gabardine. Was that green? Grey?
Brownish-green? Who knows? It made no sense.

Molly
half ran, half walked through the T. Station. Fear drove her on. She calculated
Kita had been on the planet ten months, maybe eleven, before the decision was
made to send her back home. Why? What went wrong? You’ve always been the stronger person, braver too. Still, it was a
three-year suspended hibernation trip—how could anybody survive two suspensions
in seven years? It just does NOT make
sense!The selection process was so thorough. Kita was one of the top candidates.
Why would they send her back?

Anger
boiled in Molly’s gut. This pilgrimage made her mad from the get go. She knew
her sister would go the minute she started talking about it. It was so like her.

Molly
believed in helping the underdog, the helpless innocents, the oppressed.That’s
why she became a law enforcer. But to trek across the universe for people who
needed help with fertility and at the
expense of her own family, no way! Not to mention forever leaving her twin—

I feel like the author is throwing everything at me at once. There's the transportation station, the missionary pilgrimage six-hundred light year away, the gabardine information kiosk, the personal com link, suspended hibernation, the law enforcer, and the fertility missionary. My worry would be that the author is too hung upon the technology and the story will suffer. We don't need to know about every piece of technology on the first page.

I'd keep reading, but I was a little disoriented at first. I thought Kita was going to be the POV character. I also thought there was too much backstory in the second paragraph--telling readers things we didn't need to know yet. In addition, those lines didn't match Molly's voice. They didn't seem consistent with something the character would be telling herself.

One last thing. Italicized internal monologue is distracting to me. I mean, if this is in Molly's POV, then presumably all the internal thoughts are hers so why are certain ones singled out and put in italics?

Apart from those issues, I thought the story problem was interesting. Molly's not knowing why her sister (twin?) was coming home made me want to read more to find out. And now the mysterious message that she can't figure out where to go to pick up. The fact that she seems a little peeved that Kita went on the missionary trip in the first place adds conflict.

I’m a fan of some sci-fi, especially the kind that takes the everyday situations I’m used to and twists them a little. I was very interested in her opening line and most of the next paragraph. I was immediately drawn to the idea of the Abraham Project/long journey picture with cross-galaxy missions work! But, I had a hard time visualizing the rest. That pulled me away from the story. But, yes, I think I would read on, to see if I could understand the technology being used and to find out a little more about these interesting sisters.

~~~~~~~~~~Molly rushed through the crowded transportation station, gooseflesh rippling across her arms. Kita, her sister, wasn't supposed to ever come home. So what had gone wrong?

Kita had left seven years earlier on an Abraham Project—a missionary pilgrimage--six-hundred light years away. It had been a life-time commitment, supposedly. But Molly's morning telecom message said Kita needed help getting home. ~~~~~~~~~

I suggest those changes for the following reasons:

1) we know right away that Molly is the POV character. 2) if she's ignoring the goose-flesh then why would she, the narrator, be telling us about it--she's obviously aware of it, not ignoring it.3) added back in the line to tell the reader that kita wasn't supposed to come home, since I took that line away from the beginning of the story4) changed "ago" to "ealier" because we aren't reading in present tense so it wasn't seven years ago to us, it was seven years earlier than the time Molly was in when the story took place. 5) added "had" to "Kita had left" and "it had been a lifetime commitment" and added "Molly's morning telecom message" to differentiate between the backstory info and the present day info.

Take or leave my suggestions. I simply think that when you start in a strange world, the more clearly you write, the easier you make it for your reader to stay with you.

I would definitely read on to find out why Kita is coming home and I love the hint of conflict between the twins and their ideas about how to serve God and others.

MEET THE HARTLINE AGENTS

Joyce Hart, Owner and principal agent

Joyce Hart, owner and principal agent of Hartline Literary Agency has been a literary agent for more than a decade. She was formerly the vice president of marketing of an inspirational publishing company and as the president of Hartline Marketing has nearly thirty-two years of successful experience marketing and promoting books. Joyce has been a pioneer in selling high-quality fiction to the inspirational market and has built an excellent rapport with leading inspirational publishers. A member of ACFW, and the National Association of Professional Women, Joyce is a graduate of Open Bible College, Des Moines, IA now merged with Eugene Bible College in Eugene, Oregon. Joyce is based at Hartline Literary's Pittsburgh headquarters.

Diana Flegal, Agent

Diana currently lives in Asheville NC. A Bible College major in Missions and Anthropology, Diana has been a medical missionary to Haiti, a women's speaker and bible study leader. One of her life's highlights has been teaching apologetics to high school students as preparatory for college. Avid reader and intuitive editor, Diana's represents nonfiction and well written fiction. She has a passion for getting great writers published.

Jim Hart, Agent

Jim Hart is looking for authors who can write unique and engaging fictional suspense, romance, women’s fiction, historical fiction and some sci-fi. Jim is also interested in non-fiction regarding church growth, Christian living, and self-help. Keep in mind that non-fiction topics require a certain level of credentials, experience and expertise. The author will need an appropriate platform to present a non-fiction proposal.

Currently Jim is not looking at children’s, young adult or Biblical fiction proposals.

He holds a degree in Production Journalism and worked for twenty years in direct mail advertising before taking a job with an urban social services agency, where he worked for twelve years. All during his professional career, Jim has served with the local church doing youth ministry and music/worship ministry. He is a credentialed minister with the Assemblies of God, and serves part-time as Worship Pastor in his local church in Southwestern Pennsylvania.

Linda Glaz, Agent

Linda is an experienced editor, reviewer and writer, and for a couple of years was a final reader for Wild Rose Press, then for White Rose Publishing and she worked as an editorial assistant for Hartline Agent Terry Burns. She has judged for numerous contests including the Genesis for the American Christian Fiction Writers, as well as the Emily Award for the West Houston Chapter of the Romance Writers of America. She has been on the faculty for Faithwriters.com annual conference, Maranatha, and is slated for numerous others in 2013. Linda understands writers because she's a writer herself with 4 books releasing in 2013.linda@hartlineliterary.comhttp://lindaglaz.blogspot.com/

Andy Scheer, Agent

Andy has a wealth of experience as a publishing professional with over 18 years as the managing editor of Moody Magazine, 8 years as the managing editor for the Christian Writer’s Guild, and as a free-lance writer and editor. He is a frequent instructor at writing conferences around the country. A journalism graduate from Colorado State University, he also attended Denver Seminary. Andy is a consummate professional and will be a great addition to the Hartline team.