Hells Angels Colonizing on Penn’s Campus

By now we’ve all seen them. You know who I’m talking about. The people you know you shouldn’t judge based solely on appearance because Humans of New York says they’ve got backstories that are super deep, but you are totally going to judge by appearance anyway. I’m talking about the members of Hells Angels who have recently made themselves known on Penn’s campus. But these motorcycle gangmembers might not look exactly the way you’ve seen them represented on FX; for the first time they’ve taken on a different appearance.

Gone are the tattoo sleeves, the bad-ass leather jackets, and the souped-up choppers (editor’s note: this is the cool way to say motorcycle). These road-toughened Hells Angels have instead picked up an even harder, bolder appearance for their entrance onto the Penn scene. Imagine if the members of Hells Angels grew up in Westchester and went to the same prep school as Zoey 101. Yeah, obviously you’d get the meanest-mugging group of well-groomed, affluent people on Razor Scooters. And that’s exactly what we have here at UPenn.

The Hells Angels are hard to ignore. It seems like everywhere people are upgrading from their Heely’s and downgrading from their flame-decaled Segways. They don their gingham button downs, their salmon shorts, and their Sperry shoes, and then they hop on their Razor scooters before screaming down Locust Walk.

Sophomore Chuckie Finster adds, “Locust Walk used to be a safe haven for us nerds. But with all these Hells Angels…” He shudders and loses the ability to talk for a second before continuing, “My foot has been run over by the scooters so many times. I mean, it doesn’t hurt or anything and they always apologize. But just the fact that it happens! I deserve respect!” Angels have also been spotted taking up too much room on Locust Walk, singing “Ridin’ Dirty” too loud, and giggling loudly every time they ask someone to “SCOOT out of their way.”

University President Amy Gutmann and the Penn Police force have noticed the recent rise in number of scooter-related accidents and have taken action against the hordes of recently-arrived Hells Angels. “To be honest, we have no idea why certain Penn students are pretending to be a part of a biker gang,” said Gutmann as she addressed the recently implemented anti-Angel’s steering committee comprised of faculty and student representatives. “Most of them are from Long Island and literally have no idea how to even ride motorcycles so it doesn’t make much sense. That being said, we’ve been seeing a number of pretty bad foot injuries recently, and the University is responding in turn.”

One member who prefers to remain anonymous has requested of Amy Gutmann that she “not kill the vibe” and also that she “step off.” When pressed further, this Angel seemingly panicked and said, “Just please don’t tell my dad that I’ve been doing this.” When asked about his scooter, however, he seemed to relax. “Oh this? Yeah it’s got the spark maker in the back which is pretty cool. Hey, wanna come to our party this weekend?”

Sources confirm that “81 Productions Presents: Dope Scooters and Tons of Cooters” will be taking place on Friday at 10:30 pm.