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6/17/2011

Hope in the face of no hope

Dear Father,
I come so broken hearted today. Oh, Dad, but I do not want to doubt You. After so many times I have been tried in this area, I still fail. I still do not come out victorious. I am a woman of little faith. I remember reading in a blog a girl pouring her heart to You and realizing how doubting You and having little faith was belittling You. I do not want to belittle You, whichever the circumstance, I want to believe.

June 15
So my darling Leon came back home yesterday looking pretty bad. I can't express my anger and frustration to receive him in such a state (he had been living with another family for the past two weeks). I think I slept 20 mins every 2 hours last night (talk about preparing for babies). He seems to be in a lot of pain, and I can't stand to see him suffer. I give him antibiotics. I call a vet who tells me to buy him a med and hope he will sleep. My hubby runs to the pharmacy to get the med, and the puppy sleeps til 2 am. Then he walks around the couch in the living room from 3 am to 8 am, all the while I am unable to do anything.

June 16
It's 8 am and we took him to the vet, got him sedated so he could sleep a bit, and got a blood test to see what's wrong.

4 pm, I just got the results from the test. They do not know what he has, only that he has an infection. He is on antibiotics and anti inflamatory meds.

6pm, I just got home from work to see how Leon is doing. Dad, he looks pretty bad. I give him water and delacthose milk (if anyone ever reads this, dogs cant drink normal milk. Dont give him normal milk!!!!) with a syringe.

Oh, Dad, thank You so much for man like Don Orlando Ordoñez. He attended my puppy at 10:30 pm and put him under anestesia so he might sleep and not suffer.

Jun 17
It is 2 am and me and my hubby are out on the streets searching for a pharmacy with a med to put the puppy back to sleep. After all the stores we could think of that were open at that hour and visiting them all and not finding the med, we are going back home, with leon feeling pretty bad, but thankfully asleep.

I've been waking up every hour to the puppy's cries. I hold him and shake him and calm him down and he sleeps again and I try to do so too. He wakes up again, and it starts all over again. Thankfully, he calms quicker and falls asleep longer.

It's 7 am, I haven't slept much, and Leon wakes up again. This time, there is no calming him. His pain is just too much. I call Dr. Orlando again and he tells me to take the puppy to him. He is put under anestesia again and the doctor doesn't look hopeful. He says he will do his best, put the puppy under IV antibiotics and anti inflamatory meds, but I must prepare for a hard decision.

You know what I love about You, Father? The fact that I can talk to You of what would seem so trivial to most, but not me, and I know You understand me. You made me this way. I would not like the person I am if I didn't do everything in my power to try to save Leon, including praying for him. I feel akward praying so fervently for an animal, but it is who I am. As I took him to the vet yesterday at 10 pm, I cried my eyes out thinking how cruel and injust is this world, that I have the capability to take my dog to the doctor and there are mothers out there that dont have the capability to take their babies to the doctor. Also thinking that some mothers have the capability and dont take their babies, and I would do anything for my little puppy.

It saddens me how twisted this world is with sin. How sin brought forth death, and we have to endure it. I do not want to endure my puppy's death. Mostly, I do not want to question what You do and permit in my life. I do not want to find the reason as to understand Your sovereign will. All I can do is accept it as good, be grateful, be hopeful in You. That last part seems the hardest for me. Being hopeful. I am a optimist at heart and a pessimist at mind. I hope for the best and expect the worst. That is not true hope and true trust. I just have to trust Your will. I want to say sorry for getting so upset with You when You took the life of Sousuke, my sister's pet three years ago. And I am sorry for questioning You when You took the life of Qero. No matter how much loved the pet was, and how injust the situation seemed, You were good and I should have been grateful for the time, as short as it may, You gave us.

So, I do not know if Leon will make it. My heart is broken. But You command us not to be anxious for anything, for You take care of us. I will rest in that truth, and remember to be grateful.