because that would happen to me

Welcome!

"My Life is Beck" is what you will say after reading the stories on my blog. I'm an awkward, nerdy, hopeless romantic recent graduate determined to have adventures and then write about them here. Enjoy!

Christian

Today, I attended the Women of Color Institute conference at my school. While this conference was very inspirational and empowering, I couldn’t help but feel a bit frustrated by my awkward position as biracial. Most of the speakers and attendees were African-American, with a few Latina and Asian-American participants. And then there was me, half Indian and half White. I don’t believe that I was the only biracial or mixed race woman there, but if there were others present, I wasn’t able to distinguish them from the group. Most of time this doesn’t bother me, but I quickly grow silent when the topics such as African-American hair care come up (and it always comes up). I don’t quite fit in.

Most people who are biracial choose to favor one part of their identity over the other in order to participate fully in that race or ethnic culture. I don’t have that ability. Sure, technically I’m Asian-American, but no one thinks of India when someone says “Asia”. You’d be surprised how many people don’t know that India is part of Asia. Even some Asian-American people I have met look confused when I try to identify myself as Asian. Then, when I say I’m Indian, people ask me what tribe I’m in and I have to further clarify my racial identity.

Trying to pass as White was never really an option for me either. Living in the US, it’s easier to identify more with the majority culture, but no one ever looks at me and thinks, “That girl is white.” I’m not white, I’m half white; historically and culturally, there’s a huge difference. I can’t ignore the Indian part of me and I don’t want to. Nor would White people accept me if I tried.

Coming to a predominantly white institution really emphasizes my otherness, so I never felt comfortable hanging out with huge groups of white students. Nor did I feel welcome in the small Black community on campus. Even though I’m a woman of color and feel some affiliation with Black culture, when it comes down to it, I am not Black and I will never know what it’s like to be a Black woman in the US. And while I do look Hispanic, I’m not, so it’s not as though I could insert myself into their organizations or social groups either. In fact, it bothers me when people mislabel me as Hispanic, because it emphasizes the fact that I don’t really look Indian, even though I am.

I know what you’re thinking, “Why aren’t you making friends with the Indian students?” Well, reader, I cannot participate in the Indian culture completely for two reasons: I don’t know Hindi, and I’m a Christian. Knowing the language would open up new opportunities to participate in the shared stories, songs, and traditions of India. Because I have not yet learned the language, participation in these aspects of culture, shallow though they are, is more difficult. I listen to and sing Hindi songs and I watch Hindi films, but my understanding of them will always be through a Western and English filter. Much of Indian culture, values, and traditions also come from a shared participation of Hinduism. I’m not Hindu, so many of those aspects of Indian culture are lost to me. So yes, I am Indian, but only half Indian, and other Indian people tend to ignore me because I cannot participate in their culture fully.

So, where does that leave me? Nowhere and everywhere. I don’t fit into the ineffective and over-simplified categories of race in the US. But, this is what sometimes makes me feel frustrated and sometimes fortunate. I have a double consciousness and I can code switch really well. I know what it is like to be a minority in the US. I also know what it is like to not be a minority in the US. As a racially ambiguous person on the surface, I am faced with discrimination and racism. However, because I am not a part of a historically marginalized group, the stereotype threat I face is not as well-defined as that of African-American or Hispanic people. In other words, people are racist, but they’re not sure what I am, so they can’t make specific negative assumptions about who I am. This is good because it gives me more opportunities to define myself before others try to define me. This is also frustrating on days like today, when I wish I could identify easily with one race or another in order to feel a stronger sense of community and sisterhood. I love being biracial because I am proud of both sides of my racial identity, but if you don’t learn how to navigate around racial barriers and code switch, it is a lonely existence.

There’s something I’ve noticed about loves stories in movies and tv shows that has been bothering me for a while: People fall in love by having sex. Or they don’t realize they are in love with someone until they have amazing mind-blowing sex with them.

Think about it. How many tv shows and movies have you seen that revolve around a couple having sex and suddenly realizing they’re meant to be? Chandler and Monica from Friends, Harry and Sally from When Harry Met Sally; the friends with benefits story arc is well known and the list of examples could go on forever. Sometimes there’s a PG version of this when couples kiss and things change, but for the most part, I feel people jump right to sex and fall in love.

What bothers me about this is that it’s a completely unrealistic expectation and is a harmful model to follow when beginning a relationship. I know this is a plot device used to escalate the falling-in-love process in film, but that doesn’t mean it’s true. It’s unrealistic to think that just because you have sex with someone you like, or are even in love with, that they will suddenly fall in love with you. People, men and women, don’t “call back” all the time, probably most of the time. Of course there are exceptions to every rule, I’m not saying this doesn’t happen in real life occasionally, but I think the whole “why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free” adage applies here. Why be in a relationship if you can have sex and sleep around without any consequences? People are selfish, especially college students, and will seek relationships that will benefit them and not you. If you buy in to this fairy tale that the media sells us and expect “true love” after having sex, you can end up getting hurt physically and emotionally (sexual assault, STDs, unwanted pregnancy to name a few).

Your milkshake may bring all the boys to the yard, but that doesn’t mean they’re going to stay there and love you or marry you.

Sex changes things. Your body releases hormones that make you form attachments to the one you sleep with, which can make you fall in love or at least become infatuated. (That’s why being friends with benefits doesn’t work most of the time.) I’m not saying women can’t or don’t enjoy casual sexual relationships, I just think it’s difficult to do so without getting feelings involved eventually. When enough of these failed experiences occur, it can make you feel insecure, desperate, and unworthy of a healthy relationship, which further perpetuates the potentially harmful behavior. That’s why I think keeping your pants on before marriage is a good idea. I’m a Christian, so this belief originated from my knowledge of the Bible. But even if I wasn’t a Christian, I would still want to wait until marriage, because like I said, sex changes things. I wouldn’t want to form a strong emotional and physical connection with someone who won’t be there when I wake up. It damages you, even if you don’t or can’t realize it now.

I’ve never been in love or had sex, so I don’t speak from experience, but I have witnessed my friends go through horrifying and damaging relationships/non-relationships throughout college. It pains me to see them go through things like that. I’m not saying everyone needs to convert to Christianity (although that would be awesome). I am saying people need to have realistic expectations when they begin a physical relationship with someone. Ask yourself if you are okay with them walking away. Because they probably will. If not, zip up your pants and find someone who wants to stick around. If you are okay with them walking away, that’s a whole other issue, because you deserve to have someone stick around. Everyone deserves to be with someone who loves them, not just someone who wants to get in his or her pants. I’m okay with waiting for that person, because I know I’m not missing out on anything except a lot of heartbreak and bad sexual souvenirs.

Beck

PS: I was going to name this post “Great SEXpectations” but I talked myself out of it. Haha

“Next to being married, a girl likes to be crossed a little in love now and then. It is something to think of.” – Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen

I feel cursed because I always have to be “in-like” with someone. When I disappear into my dream world of romantic possibilities, I have to have someone to imagine living in my cottage in the country with besides my cat. For a long time, this person was that guy from my Astronomy class my freshman year. Let’s call him Ron. This crush was based on a solid foundation of absolutely nothing besides good looks and a friendly countenance. I knew very few things about him and I can count the number of times I’ve spoken to him on one hand. I knew he was smart, funny, interested in other cultures, Christian, and had a weird laugh (apparently, that’s all I needed to know). I also knew how to spot him from across the courtyard and listen for his voice as I walked around campus. Let’s not get into the humiliating details of the cyber/real life stalking, I already sound pathetic. I hardcore crushed on him for three years. Okay, now for the awkward ending to this nonexistent love story.

Do you ever play out a conversation in your head and the other person won’t stay on script? To be honest, I had no idea what I was doing or where I wanted the conversation to go. It was an ill-planned decision. I’m really bad at flirting and talking to guys in general. I thought I would be better at this through text messaging. I’m not. On one of the biggest party nights of the year, I got a little buzzed and decided to “accidentally” text my crush. (How I got his number is irrelevant.) The following messages were sent (slightly modified).

Me: Are you going out tonight?
Ron: Hey who is this? Sorry
Me: Oh sorry. Wrong number. Wait who is this?
Ron: I asked you first.
Me: Is this Ron?
Ron: Yea it’s Ron. Who are you!?! This isn’t fair.
Me: Guess : )
Ron: Dr. D’s mom? Well whoever you are yes I am going out.
Me: Okay I’ll see you at — then. : )
Ron: I’m only going to — if you tell me who you are.
Me: Not Dr. D’s Mom ; ) [I should not have used a winky face, it was going so well.]
Ron: Becky H? [Darn you Facebook! Why do you make our numbers searchable?]
Me: Guilty. : )
Ron: How did you get my number?
Me: Wait. Which Ron is this? [Lame attempt to save face.]
Ron:

Ronald proceeded to delete me as a Facebook friend the next day. In an attempt to apologize for drunk texting him, I messaged him on FB and sent, “Hey, I think I might have texted you last night? My bad, I meant to text another Ron…” to which he replied “All good”. Well reader, the spell is broken and I destroyed my chance that never existed. I really hope I never see him again.
Why does drunk texting always work in the movies and not in real life? Everything I know is a lie! This was one of the most embarrassing things to ever happen to me. So, why am I sharing it with the world? Because it was a powerful learning experience. NEVER text a crush who has not given you their number, especially if you’re drunk. They will find out who you are, and chances are it will not end up “all good”.