Last week's News

News article for the week of 4/10/05.

No Floods Forecast
By Grey News

Once again, as is the tradition, Noah, the wily builder of that first
Ark, has been let out of his burrow in an effort to predict whether another
biblical scale flood is due anywhere around the world.
This year it is expected that there will be no floods as Noah came out
of his burrow, very slowly, head first, sniffing the air, as is his habit.
After taking a look around at the various cameras, reporters and helicopters
he stood up, shook his fist, shouted a few choice comments about the overall
quality of reporters in general, CNN and Fox News in particular, picked
up his newspaper, mail and cat and returned to his burrow.
As he was at no point scared by his shadow the world can rest easily,
knowing that there are no biblical floods expected this year.
In the past there has been some debate as to just what qualifies as Noah
seeing and being scared by his shadow. On more than on occasion he has
jumped back in fright from ordinary objects that have his shadow cast
upon them, such as in the infamous incident three years ago when someone
managed to sneak Rosie O’Donnell behind Noah and shone a light on them
so that Noah’s shadow was cast across O’Donnell.
That year there were several floods, some of which could be considered
biblical, however none that decisively ended the debate.
Making matters worse is that the Boxing Day Tsunami in South-East Asia
has been retroactively declared predicted by Noah. Last year he was frightened
by the shadow of a cardboard cut out of himself. This was three days late,
however it is now thought to be indicative of this not-quite-flood disaster.
In the past Noah himself has muddied the waters by making hand puppets
of monsters. At times it has seemed that he has genuinely been frightened
by these, however since he frightened himself it is not generally known
if it holds the same effect.
Besides which the old fool could just be pulling a prank to get us to
panic. By all accounts Noah is a bitter old man who would find that rather
funny.
In a similar vein conspiracy theorists frequently claim that Noah is in
with certain corporations, mostly those involved in construction and insurance,
to cause panics and price hikes.
Investigations have shown that companies do frequently make judicious
use of Noah and his predictions, however there has been nothing to suggest
that Noah is in collusion with anyone.
In fact the old man remains rather hostile towards most large organisations
ever since Disney’s movie project “Noah: Wave Warrior” fell through. By
all accounts the movie would have shown Noah in a very positive light
and may have had Leonardo DiCaprio in the leading role.