Posts Tagged ‘Nomalanga Mhlauli-Moses’

Whether you’re working at your dream job or a dead end job, you’re a full time work-at-home-mother or you own your own business, your career is a major part of your life.

As a Life Balancing expert for women who struggle to balance Marriage, Motherhood and Money-Making™ I get a lot of questions surrounding the “money-making” part. Even if we love what we do, some part of most of our careers is about making money so it is important to take time to plan and formulate a strategy to elevate our careers.

Below are five things you can do now to “hit the ground running” in 2015:

1. Vision – Get clear about what exactly you want to accomplish. Ask yourself where you see yourself three to five years from now.

2. Goals – Once you have clarified what you want your future to look like, set some SMART goals (specific, measurable, achievable, relevant, time-bound). Make sure that the goals you set will cause you to stretch yourself a little; go beyond your comfort zone. That is how you grow. Make sure that you write your goals down.

3. Plans – Once you have written your goals down, create an action plan. What actions will you take on a daily basis to get you closer to accomplishing your goals? Write that down too.

4. Prioritize – Although all your goals are likely to be very important to you, the reality is that some are more important than others. Make sure that as you write down your goals and action steps, you put them in the order of importance.

5. Company and Accountability – This last part can be a little tricky because as human beings, we get attached to people but sometimes we don’t make good decisions about the company we keep. Take time to write down a list of the people who have affected your life and been closest to you in 2014. This is the hard part: you have to make a conscious decision to reduce contact with those that have affected you negatively and held you back from moving forward in a positive way. You must also make a conscious decision to increase contact with the people who will keep you accountable and will be a positive influence on your life.

2014 is not over yet, use your last few days to go through that list and “hit the ground running” in 2015. See you on the other side!

Many women who are on the never ending journey of creating balance in their lives often complain that they are overwhelmed and feel a lot of stress and anxiety because “there never seems to be enough time to do everything”.

I often laugh and say, “Of course you’re going to be overwhelmed if you try to do everything!” The key to reducing stress and anxiety is to learn to say “no”. Now, opting out of things has to be done very mindfully and strategically in order for it to to work. Saying “no” randomly and arbitrarily often leads to guilt and shame which are just as bad as stress and anxiety. Think about it; you say “no” because you’re too overwhelmed and stressed but you still end up with another set of negative feelings; guilt and shame.

Below are three keys to use so that when you say that one word, no, it is a quality “no” devoid of negativity, guilt and shame. If you use the keys below, you can begin to say “no” from a place of confidence.

1. Plan – It is a good idea to plan as much as you can. Plan your professional and personal life s much as you can and follow your plan. You don’t have to be rigid about your plan(s) but it gives you a sense of order and clarity about what you’re doing. If you put your priorities in a plan, it becomes easier to opt-out (say “no”) to things that are not moving you towards your goals.

2. Organize – Your plan should be some kind of list of things you want to get done. Re-write your list in order of priority. Make a habit of creating order in your life, taking your priorities into consideration. Create systems that work for you and your loved ones and tweak them accordingly. When you plan and organize, you tend to be more firm when pushing back at things that will create disorder and chaos. You’ve put in the work to plan your day, (or week, or month) and you deserve the peace that comes with it.

3. Schedule – Make a daily/weekly schedule and make sure that your priorities are the first things on the schedule. Scheduling is an excellent tool because it clarifies what you’re doing and when and has the added benefit of making it clear when you have taken on a lot or too much. A quick glance at your schedule makes it easier to get to the right answer (No) much more quickly and confidently.

Another key thing to remember is that just because something seems urgent, it does not mean it is important. If it was not on your list of priorities and was not planned and scheduled, then you should probably turn it down.

Venus and Serena Williams have chosen to withdraw their support for a movie that chronicles their rise from Compton to their current super stardom as tennis and fashion “it girls”.

As is characteristic of the Williams sisters, they have not been vocal about the documentary nor their reasons for not supporting it. It is being reported that Venus , specifically, is the one who saw the movie and did not approve of how it depicted their father, Richard Williams. Venus is said to have requested that the movie makers make some changes to the movie because it suggested that their father was too controlling and even suggested that he was a womanizer because he allegedly has other children that he had out of wedlock. Even after the changes, the sisters have still chosen not to support the movie.

What I respect about the Williams sisters is that they are standing by their father even though that could mean a dent in their pockets. We can not know for certain how much of what the movie is suggesting about their father is true, but I reckon that even if it were all true, the sisters would still refuse to support it.

The lesson that I am drawing from the sisters is that a man does not have to be perfect for you to love him, respect him and be loyal to him. In fact, if that were the case, none of us women would be able to love any man!

I was born and raised in Botswana and am now married to someone who was born and raised in the U.S. so I have had the privilege of observing how our two cultures agree and how they differ. What I love about the stance that Venus and Serena took is that it reminds me of what I grew up experiencing and what in my observation is slowly slipping away in the culture that I have now become a part of, American culture.

A strong family unit is sustained buy BOTH a strong man and a strong woman. It saddens me to continue to see Black men and Black women throw mud in each other’s faces instead of recognizing each other’s short comings and stepping up to support and encourage each other where the other falls short.

I am not saying that we should be entirely accommodating of each other’s bad behavior, in fact, I believe that we should all hold each other accountable. That being said, I believe that we can hold each other accountable away from the public eye. In Tswana (from Botswana) culture, it is common for a woman to disagree with her husband and even at times give him a “tongue lashing” but as wives, we are advised to do so away from the public eye, preferable behind closed doors and preferably behind the bedroom door.

Too often I hear women complain about how “sorry” some men are and they list all the things that they have failed to do. While all that may be true, what good does it do him, or anyone, for that information to be taken and splashed across the tabloids? What good would it do if a movie was made and the movie showed a man’s shortcomings? Yes, there may be a few dollars to be made, maybe even a lot of dollars, but is it really worth it? I say: no.

I can’t be certain what part Oracene Price, Venus and Serena’s mother, played in their decision but I reckon she has a similar feeling about the situation. I reckon she raised her daughters to love and respect their father, even though her relationship with him took a different turn that what I imagine they had originally intended.

I am a woman so I can directly say this to my sisters: If you ever wonder why “brothers won’t commit”, consider that maybe they have lost confidence in marriage because women like Venus and Serena are so rare nowadays. Maybe they don’t believe that they can find a woman who will see all their shortcomings and rather than use them to attack and bring them down, that woman will be a supporter and encourager.

For all we know, every piece of dirty laundry the movie wants to air about Richard Williams could be true.We do also have to consider, though, that maybe it is not. What we do all know is that Richard Williams has invested a tremendous amount of blood, sweat and tears into his daughters. Yes, they are talented and skilled but I don’t believe that they would have achieved international tennis stardom had it not been for his investment in their lives. That, I believe is what Venus and Serena choose to focus on and celebrate.

Should we hold our men accountable and tell the truth? Absolutely, but a movie premier is certainly not the time and place to do so and I applaud Venus and Serena for recognizing that and standing on that principle.

TweetNomalanga helps Black Women thrive in their lives and careers. She is a Social Commentator, an Editor at Your Black World , Assistant Professor of Professional Studies and the reigning Mrs Botswana. Visit Nomalanga’s blog at successfulblackwoman.com

Vanessa Long, who herself is an elder at New Birth, spoke to a group of women in the Heart to Heart Ministry at New Birth sharing that the whole experience was a very gruesome struggle but her final decision was to stay with her husband and their church.

As I read the story, I was reminded of the Monica Lewinsky scandal that put the then, First Lady Hilary Clinton, in a similar predicament. I remember being very judgmental of Mrs Clinton, at the time, in my arrogant and youthful ignorance. Now, as I approach eight years of marriage, my perspective has shifted. I am able to see that Elder long (and Mrs. Clinton) can seem like foolish women who are taking this “marriage thing” a little too far but I also see that it is not so simple.

First of all, most people who walk into marriages take vows and those vows, usually say that the couple should stand by each other through “thick and thin” and through “sickness and health” and of course that does not just mean that wives or husbands can’t walk away if their spouses get sick; it means that you vow to stay no matter what!

I will admit, I have somewhat of a bias; I was born and raised in a two parent home and in less than two years, my parents will celebrate 40 year of marriage. Through them, I have learned that if you’re committed to your marriage and the well-being of your children and the stability of your community, there really is next to nothing that can convince you to walk away from your marriage. Further more, my perspective is colored by being raised in a different country where the culture places a very high value on marriage, family and community.

The alarming rate at which people choose to end their marriages today is by far not an indicator of the exceptions of “through thick and thin” but instead an indication that the way modern day society perceives marriage is shifting and not in a good way. If you haven’t already, just spend some time talking to a psychologist or sociologist about the crippling effects of broken homes.

Of course there are exceptions; too often, we hear about battered women who stayed in abusive marriages right up until their husbands took their lives. This is an extreme example and those are the instances where divorce is almost certainly the only option.

In her conversation with the women she was speaking to, Elder Long shared that part of the reason why she stayed was because she wanted to stay with her New Birth family and also because she believed that she could use her experience to inspire and minister to other women who are going through their own “storms”.

How I interpret what she is saying is that she did not just stay because she did not want to leave Eddie Long; she stayed because she understands that her marriage serves a greater purpose than just a relationship between two people. Maybe Mrs. Long considered her three children and thought that even though they had probably suffered a great deal of embarrassment from the attention they got in the scandal, they still deserved to be with both their parents in one household. Maybe Mrs. Long thought about having to leave all the meaningful relationships she had been building for years and the standard of living that she was accustomed to and decided that Eddie Long’s alleged actions should not rob her and her children of those things. Maybe, Mrs. Long thought about the day she said “till death do us part” which meant that even though what her husband was being accused of made her vomit, understandably, he was still alive and that meant that she was still his wife.

I don’t believe that any woman can say with certainty what she would do if she were in the same position as Mrs. Long. We will never know what Mrs. Long’s conversations with God were, as she undoubtedly knelt to pray for the strength and courage to endure the “storm” that her husband had led her into. What I do know is that far more marriages end in divorce than is necessary. I believe that anyone who decides to get married should, as Dr. Phil puts it, “earn their way out” of marriage. What Dr. Phil means is that every possible option to save the marriage should be exhausted before a couple decides they want to swap out their spouse like a old pair of shoes or yesterday’s underwear.

The people who sustain their marriages understand that marriage is not to be taken lightly and it requires commitment, perseverance, sacrifice, selflessness and an understanding that marriage serves a greater purpose than two people getting together because they “love” each other.TweetNomalanga helps Black Women thrive in their lives and careers. She is a Social Commentator, an Editor at Your Black World , Assistant Professor of Professional Studies and the reigning Mrs Botswana. Visit Nomalanga’s blog at successfulblackwoman.comORIGINALLY PUBLISHED AT BLACK LIKE MOI

Nomalanga helps Black Women thrive in their lives and careers. She is a Social Commentator, an Editor at Your Black World , Assistant Professor of Professional Studies and the reigning Mrs Botswana.Originally Posted at Black Blue Dog.

If you want your life to go from Good to Great, read Nomalanga’s tipshere

Why Men Like Paul Ryan Date Black Women
By Nomalanga Mhlauli-Moses

Paul Ryan, the Republican Party’s nominee for Vice President of the United States in the 2012 election, “casually” mentioned, in an interview, that he dated a Black woman. He also mentioned that he has a Black sister in law.Somehow this brought back memories of when I would be around non-Black people who would try to make me feel “comfortable” by telling me that they had a Black maid, but I digress.

So now we know that Paul Ryan dated a Black woman-now what? Well we know that Ryan mentioned those particular tidbits of information to somehow make a case for his ongoing campaign to convince us that he is not a racist and has the interest of Black people in mind as he vies for the number two spot in running the country.

Soooo, since he brought it up, lets mull over why men like him, a white conservative from small- town-USA might end up dating a woman like Deneeta Pope, a Black woman who supports the re-election of President Obama.

Well, maybe Ryan and Pope did not burden themselves with all this race talk and were instead, two people who happened to take a liking to each other, dated, found out it wasn’t mean to be and amicably went their separate ways. According to TMZ, Pope says Ryan and his wife even attended Pope’s wedding in May.

On the other hand, we’ve all heard the ridiculous myth that Black women in America only fit in one of two boxes: prude or crude, as in having an insatiable appetite when it comes to “rolling in the hay”. That being said, I can think of few men, none actually, who would be drawn to a woman because they think she is prude… So maybe, Mr. Ryan had an understandable curiosity about what it would be like to date a Black woman, you know, to see if the myth is true.

Obviously neither of the possible reasons I have cited are supposed to be a college level thesis, but I do find it interesting that his brother is married to a Black woman. Maybe the Ryan brothers are not just “curious” but just happen to be men who have the ability to see a woman for more than her skin color.

The next question then, is: does that make a difference in the upcoming presidential race? Well, if I were one of those people who actually thought that being a Republican or a Democrat meant anything, I would probably not jump from my assumed Democratic side to the Republican side just because the nominee for the number two position, on the Republican side, dated a Black woman years ago and I seriously doubt that anyone else would.

On August 18, 2012, Nomalanga Mhlauli-Moses will be representing Botswana at Mrs Earth 2012.

“The Mrs./Ms. Earth International Pageant is a great experience for women everywhere to promote themselves, voice their opinions, get involved, network, promote a special cause, fulfill personal goals, and to have fun.”

One day I woke up feeling so drained of energy that I just did not want to get out of bed. I forced myself out of bed, showered, got ready and hopped into my car and went to work. At work, I went through the motions as best as I could even though I felt like was about to collapse. That evening, as I sat on the couch at home, away from my children and my husband (they could all sense that it was best to stay away from their cranky mother/wife), I came to a realization. I was dying, slowly, but surely.

Every day, I woke up, took a shower, put on some make-up, did my hair and then walked, as a sheep, to my own slaughter. You see, the reason why I was dying was because I allowed myself to work in a work environment where there were people who were killing me. They didn’t hold a gun to my head or stab me with a knife. That would be too outrageous-right? Instead, they did it slowly and I was no better than them because I was a willing participant. When they poked at me, I reacted! When they talked about me and I heard about it, I cried and believed what they were saying! Every day I went to the building that the slow killing was taking place and I thought that a measly check, given to me every two weeks, was enough compensation for my own death-a slow death but a death, nonetheless…What I have just described is my life as it was some years ago before I left the particular job that I had at the time. I have heard a number of friends and family members describe a similar set of circumstances where they were “the only one” at their work place and experienced negative treatment.

The terrible part of what I and many women (and men) of color experience is that it can be very subtle. It can be a feeling of being micro-managed or having your errors being paid more attention to than anybody else’s. Sometimes it’s as casual as returning from the weekend and everyone except you is talking about how much fun they had together over the weekend. Sometimes you step out of your office and everyone is gone… They have all gone for lunch and you’re the only one they didn’t invite.

My reaction to this experience was to find a new place to work. One of the “non-negotiables” in my job search was that the workplace had to have a lot of diversity and have inclusion as one of its core initiatives.

Can anyone really ever escape the effects of being excluded because they are different? I don’t think so but I do believe that staying in a work place that constantly erodes your self esteem and self worth is an unhealthy way of living one’s life. Some might say, “You’re being excluded because you’re unpleasant to be around.” Well, if that was the case, I believe that every person who left a workplace that was not inclusive would continue to experience the same treatment everywhere they went but most people who leave jobs that are lacking in diversity among their employees usually report a better working environment when they are not “the only one” somewhere else.

Nomalanga helps Black Women thrive in their lives and careers. She is a Social Commentator, an Editor at Your Black World , Assistant Professor of Professional Studies and the reigning Mrs Botswana. Visit Nomalanga’s blog at successfulblackwoman.comTweet

I think we can all agree that we’ve heard enough speculation than we can take about why Black women are supposedly not marriage material or are somehow unable to “keep a man”.

How about if we stopped to consider that the single black woman is more complex than the unkind stereotype of some overweight, finger snapping, angry and ignorant woman who walks around looking for someone to just “say something” so she can give him or her a piece of her mind.

Having been part of this ever increasing demographic, I can recall being a much younger single black woman terrified that I was destined to be alone because along with the stereotype of the single Black woman, comes the stereotype of the lazy, angry and dangerous Black man who will inevitably become someone’s baby daddy or a court appointed legal defender’s client. If these were the option, why bother?

To cut a long story short, I realized that just as sure as I did not fit the stereotype of the unpleasant Black woman we can all clearly imagine, it stood to reason that there were also Black men “out there” who did not fit theirs. I was right (*smiling).

There are four basic types of Singe Black Women:

I desperately want a man

I want a man and when the time is right, I will meet him

I want a man but I say I don’t want one because I’m not sure if I can “get” and “keep” one

I don’t want a man

Let’s explore these women a little bit.

I desperately want a man

If you’ve never seen this woman, you’ll know her when you see her! She “looks” desperate. Her tactics may vary but they all scream of desperation. Sometimes she will be the woman you see who seems to have forgotten that her breasts belong inside her blouse instead of the outside or that when you bend over, your skirt is not supposed to be so short that we can see all the stretch marks on the bottom of her buttocks. Sometimes she is that girlfriend who just can’t enjoy going dancing with her female friends and that be the only purpose of the outing; instead, going dancing is actually going hunting-for men.

Sadly, this women is a damaged soul who needs to learn to love herself but has somehow convinced herself that if she finds “the right guy” he will heal her of her many wounds. He won’t.

I want a man and when the time is right, I will meet him

Some women know what they want and also believe that they are worthy of having it. These women recognize that relationships require a level of maturity and a willingness to grow, in order to not only survive, but to also thrive.

This is the woman who will invest in her personal development and growth so that when “Mr. Right” comes knocking, she will be the “Ms. Right” that he has also been looking for.

I want a man but I say I don’t want one because I’m not sure if I can “get” and “keep” one

Many women who claim to not want a man are actually women who want a man but have had and seen too many unsuccessful and dysfunctional relationships to ever dare to hope that they may end up in a healthy, happy and functional one, themselves. Instead of continuing to hope and keep facing disappointment after disappointment, they will just proclaim “I can do bad all by myself”. This would be okay if it were true. First of all, if a woman is going to be by herself, why would she want to “do bad”? Second of all, why are her feelings about men so negative?

These women are like the friend or co-worker who passionately proclaims, “I don’t care” when everyone can see that she clearly cares or she would not be so emotional.

These women would do well to start healing the wounds that are causing their negative reactions to the thought of being in a meaningful relationship. Your life is as you confess it and if you say “I can do bad all by myself”…you will.

I don’t want a man

There are women who have had some successful relationships with men and have also experienced some disappointing and hurtful ones. They recognize that relationships require a lot of commitment and hard work. They decide that they would rather not make the investment and would rather enjoy life flying solo.

These women are extremely rare, but you’ll know then when you see them. They are typically joy-filled women that you can enjoy being around without having to listen to an angry rant about the many evils of “Brothers”. These women have a full life and enjoy spending time with friends and family or serving their communities or maybe just being alone tending to a beautiful flower garden.

Ladies, are you courageous enough to acknowledge which woman you are? If so, please share where you are and if you want to stay there.

Nomalanga helps Black Women thrive in their lives and careers. She is a Social Commentator, an Editor at Your Black World , Assistant Professor of Professional Studies and the reigning Mrs Botswana.Tweet
Originally posted at Black Blue Dog

It is being reported that a list of 50 winners of national beauty pageants around the world was made public. These 50 are the first of what is expected to be a total of 120 women all vying for the Miss World 2012 title. What I find interesting is that we always know so much about the contestants but so little about the judges.

It makes sense that in order to protect the integrity of the judging process, the international beauty pageants would not disclose the names of the judges but I also think it is reasonable to expect that after the pageants, there should be full disclosure. If there is no transparency in the judging process, we can never be certain that the winner was chosen fairly.
My experience at Mrs World 2011 led me to write a letter to the Mrs World Pageant owners, specifically because the pageant lacked both transparency in the judging process and there was a lack of diversity in the selection of the judges as well. Of the nearly 60 women that entered the Mrs World pageant, there were no less that 12 women who were either African or identified themselves as being of African decent and yet, not one single one made it into the top 14. Of the women that the judges selected to go into the top 14, only Mrs Vietnam (a gorgeous and phenomenal woman) made it in. The problem with this is that the only non-white judge on the judging panel was a Vietnamese woman who is also a former Mrs Vietnam.

I’m saying all this to make one basic point, we need BOTH transparency and diversity in judging international pageants. If pageants are going to define beauty by narrow, euro-centric standards, then it may be best for those that do not fit into those narrow stands to forgo entering the pageants all together. Although pageants are about more than how the women look, it is next to impossible to deny that how the women look is certainly a critical factor in deciding who walks away with the title.

The main reason why I wrote the letter to the owners of the Mrs World pageant is because I believe that the Mrs World did not select a diverse pool of judges and in so doing, they opened most of the Mrs World contestants to an unfair pageant experience.

One thing that I absolutely love about the Miss World (not MRS) pageant system is that their judging system is such that they always have a finalist from every continent or region of the world. That being said, in their history, they have only, to my knowledge, ever had two Black women win the title. Statistically, that is not high enough and I hope that in the coming years, we will see an improvement. Being a finalist and or runner up is great, but black women deserve to wear the crown as well.Tweet