DH Vent (long, just have to get it off my chest)

Alright ladies, I'm SO frusterated and I don't feel like I have anyone to talk too (my husband is Australian and we moved to Australia 2.5 years ago). I just need to get this off my chest before I explode!

I have 2 kids from a previous marriage, ages 6 and 8, that DH has legally adopted. They live with us full time. DH and I also have a 10.5 month old and I'm currently 15 weeks pregnant.

My MIL would put Martha Stewart to shame. She takes absolutely no time to herself (no tv, no games, no hobbies) and everything she does revolves around cooking, cleaning, and taking care of family. I like her a lot and we get along well, but DH expects me to be like her and she's constantly telling DH, me, and my children how we *should* be doing things.

DH thinks I sit home all day and watch tv. Nope, I'm looking after a very mobile 10.5 month old, trying to get the house taken care of, run as many errands as I can before it's time to pick up the older kids from school, and then it's helping with homework, getting the kids bathed/showered, and making dinner.

DH hates my cooking. I apparently don't use enough sauces in my cooking or enough cheese or butter. He hates quick meals. Spaghetti, soup, and salad don't count as meals and he won't eat them. He also won't eat re-heated left overs. I do the cooking, the clean up after dinner, and wash the dishes. He won't even scrape and rinse his plate, even my 6 and 8 year olds do that much.

I'm so tired of the bossing around too! He's constantly telling me to check the baby's temperature (he's paranoid that the baby is going to get sick), or change the baby's diaper, or bath the baby. He even wakes me up in the middle of the night to tell me to check on the baby or change his diaper. Are his arms and legs broken? Why does he think it's ok to tell me to do it all and he doesn't do anything? I'm lucky if he changes 2 diapers a month.

I've been sick for the last month too. Wound up in hospital with the flu because I couldn't keep anything in and was dehydrated. Then got bronchitis, still have bronchitis and have a terrible sinus infection of top of it ... oh and still getting morning sickness. DH is pissed that the housework is slipping and that I'm not making as much of an effort with my appearance. I'm tired and sick! He doesn't care though, he says I'm always complaining that I'm sick and that I just have to soldier on and get things done. Ironically, this morning he work with the same sounding sinus infection that I have and he's already decided that he needs to lay down and rest for days. How is it fair that when I'm sick I have to push through and when he's sick he lays in bed?

We also agreed that I'd look after the cooking, laundry, and cleaning (inside the house stuff). He leaves his laundry laying about everywhere. Why should I have to waste time searching for his dirty laundry? Why can't he just put it in his hamper? He also agreed to take care of the cars, take the trash cans to the curb on trash day, and take care of the yard (he's responsible for outside the house stuff). He's too busy with work to manage that though. My car needs a wash and an oil change so bad and I'm on the verge of mowing the grass myself.

He does work hard, but when he gets home it's his time to relax. He goes straight to the computer or tv. Why don't I get any time to relax? I've had PPD and I'm sure that not having the time to make friends or even do anything that I'm interested in only makes it worse. Our GP even said that I need to have time to myself, but DH says we can't fit that in at the moment and that's just the way it is.

The last thing, and this probably irritates me more than anything else, is the demand that I do my "wifely duties." Last night I lost my voice, was running a fever all day and feeling absolutely horrible, did the graphic design work for DH's business (which took about 10 hours), and still managed to get dinner on the table. Then at 11pm when I'm ready for bed he wants a BJ. I know that if I say no it will be world war III. He says sexual favors are the only way that he can de-stress. But why does it have to be whenever he wants regardless of how I'm feeling. And he wants me to be interested and seem like I'm enjoying it, when really this has just become one more thing to do on my list of chores. Last night during BJ I wound up falling asleep several times, we had an argument, and he forced me to finish so I got to bed at 2:40am :( And why don't I get anything in return? He's been promising me a foot rub or back rub for months but they're just empty promises.

I'm just SOOOOO frustrated and some times I really resent him. I don't feel like what I want or my happiness matters, I guess I feel more like a slave or a housewife from the '40s. I certainly don't feel loved or appreciated. I've talked to DH numerous times, but he defends his actions and beliefs and any promises or comprises are always empty. I've been wanting to go to counseling for over a year and I finally got him to agree, but supposedly he hasn't had time.

And I'm supposed to be working on my business from home, but that's a joke. I just don't have the time. I resent giving up one of my passions as well. I'd absolutely love to get a cleaner in so I can work on my business but DH says that's not an option until I can keep the house up to standard for at least 6 months :( Basically, nothing will change. I just have to do better and try to find a way to be happy. Thank you all for listening, it felt so good just to get it out!

Alright ladies, I'm SO frusterated and I don't feel like I have anyone to talk too (my husband is Australian and we moved to Australia 2.5 years ago). I just need to get this off my chest before I explode!

I have 2 kids from a previous marriage, ages 6 and 8, that DH has legally adopted. They live with us full time. DH and I also have a 10.5 month old and I'm currently 15 weeks pregnant.

My MIL would put Martha Stewart to shame. She takes absolutely no time to herself (no tv, no games, no hobbies) and everything she does revolves around cooking, cleaning, and taking care of family. I like her a lot and we get along well, but DH expects me to be like her and she's constantly telling DH, me, and my children how we *should* be doing things.

DH thinks I sit home all day and watch tv. Nope, I'm looking after a very mobile 10.5 month old, trying to get the house taken care of, run as many errands as I can before it's time to pick up the older kids from school, and then it's helping with homework, getting the kids bathed/showered, and making dinner.

DH hates my cooking. I apparently don't use enough sauces in my cooking or enough cheese or butter. He hates quick meals. Spaghetti, soup, and salad don't count as meals and he won't eat them. He also won't eat re-heated left overs. I do the cooking, the clean up after dinner, and wash the dishes. He won't even scrape and rinse his plate, even my 6 and 8 year olds do that much.

I'm so tired of the bossing around too! He's constantly telling me to check the baby's temperature (he's paranoid that the baby is going to get sick), or change the baby's diaper, or bath the baby. He even wakes me up in the middle of the night to tell me to check on the baby or change his diaper. Are his arms and legs broken? Why does he think it's ok to tell me to do it all and he doesn't do anything? I'm lucky if he changes 2 diapers a month.

I've been sick for the last month too. Wound up in hospital with the flu because I couldn't keep anything in and was dehydrated. Then got bronchitis, still have bronchitis and have a terrible sinus infection of top of it ... oh and still getting morning sickness. DH is pissed that the housework is slipping and that I'm not making as much of an effort with my appearance. I'm tired and sick! He doesn't care though, he says I'm always complaining that I'm sick and that I just have to soldier on and get things done. Ironically, this morning he work with the same sounding sinus infection that I have and he's already decided that he needs to lay down and rest for days. How is it fair that when I'm sick I have to push through and when he's sick he lays in bed?

We also agreed that I'd look after the cooking, laundry, and cleaning (inside the house stuff). He leaves his laundry laying about everywhere. Why should I have to waste time searching for his dirty laundry? Why can't he just put it in his hamper? He also agreed to take care of the cars, take the trash cans to the curb on trash day, and take care of the yard (he's responsible for outside the house stuff). He's too busy with work to manage that though. My car needs a wash and an oil change so bad and I'm on the verge of mowing the grass myself.

He does work hard, but when he gets home it's his time to relax. He goes straight to the computer or tv. Why don't I get any time to relax? I've had PPD and I'm sure that not having the time to make friends or even do anything that I'm interested in only makes it worse. Our GP even said that I need to have time to myself, but DH says we can't fit that in at the moment and that's just the way it is.

The last thing, and this probably irritates me more than anything else, is the demand that I do my "wifely duties." Last night I lost my voice, was running a fever all day and feeling absolutely horrible, did the graphic design work for DH's business (which took about 10 hours), and still managed to get dinner on the table. Then at 11pm when I'm ready for bed he wants a BJ. I know that if I say no it will be world war III. He says sexual favors are the only way that he can de-stress. But why does it have to be whenever he wants regardless of how I'm feeling. And he wants me to be interested and seem like I'm enjoying it, when really this has just become one more thing to do on my list of chores. Last night during BJ I wound up falling asleep several times, we had an argument, and he forced me to finish so I got to bed at 2:40am :( And why don't I get anything in return? He's been promising me a foot rub or back rub for months but they're just empty promises.

I'm just SOOOOO frustrated and some times I really resent him. I don't feel like what I want or my happiness matters, I guess I feel more like a slave or a housewife from the '40s. I certainly don't feel loved or appreciated. I've talked to DH numerous times, but he defends his actions and beliefs and any promises or comprises are always empty. I've been wanting to go to counseling for over a year and I finally got him to agree, but supposedly he hasn't had time.

And I'm supposed to be working on my business from home, but that's a joke. I just don't have the time. I resent giving up one of my passions as well. I'd absolutely love to get a cleaner in so I can work on my business but DH says that's not an option until I can keep the house up to standard for at least 6 months :( Basically, nothing will change. I just have to do better and try to find a way to be happy. Thank you all for listening, it felt so good just to get it out!

Umm ... actually he wasn't always like this. He only started changing towards this after we got married and moved to Australia. And we dated for 3 years before getting married because I really wanted to make sure he was a good fit for my children and me. I don't know if it was getting married or moving, but we're near his friends and families and I'm a 30 hour flight from mine. I wonder if he was hiding this side of him knowing that I wouldn't marry someone like that and then once I was isolated let it show through. Before we were married I owned a store, worked long hours, and we shared all household responsibilities. I thought we would have an equal and modern marriage. I was completely blindsided by this, but thanks for your snarky comment anyway.

Umm ... actually he wasn't always like this. He only started changing towards this after we got married and moved to Australia. And we dated for 3 years before getting married because I really wanted to make sure he was a good fit for my children and me. I don't know if it was getting married or moving, but we're near his friends and families and I'm a 30 hour flight from mine. I wonder if he was hiding this side of him knowing that I wouldn't marry someone like that and then once I was isolated let it show through. Before we were married I owned a store, worked long hours, and we shared all household responsibilities. I thought we would have an equal and modern marriage. I was completely blindsided by this, but thanks for your snarky comment anyway.

Excuse me? Your post goes on and on about how horrible he treats you and then demands a blow job and you comply? Sounds like you have zero respect for yourself. How can you expect him to respect you when clearly you don't. I would never let my husband treat me like that - no woman should

Excuse me? Your post goes on and on about how horrible he treats you and then demands a blow job and you comply? Sounds like you have zero respect for yourself. How can you expect him to respect you when clearly you don't. I would never let my husband treat me like that - no woman should

You probably feel trapped with him. Stuck. My ex was like this. Except his mom is no Martha Stewart and I worked a ft job but he helped zero at home and I never did anything right. If you ask me your hubby is a$$ his true colors came out when they could he feels pretty safe that you won't leave him now. You should take a nice long vacay to your self sneek of to visit your fam and friends for two weeks by yourself make him do all the kid care and house work maybe he will start to be more grateful for you I doubt it though he will probably get you back with some king of sweet talk and promises of change then as time goes on you will end up right back to this. Maybe you could just kill him? That sounds like your best option

You probably feel trapped with him. Stuck. My ex was like this. Except his mom is no Martha Stewart and I worked a ft job but he helped zero at home and I never did anything right. If you ask me your hubby is a$$ his true colors came out when they could he feels pretty safe that you won't leave him now. You should take a nice long vacay to your self sneek of to visit your fam and friends for two weeks by yourself make him do all the kid care and house work maybe he will start to be more grateful for you I doubt it though he will probably get you back with some king of sweet talk and promises of change then as time goes on you will end up right back to this. Maybe you could just kill him? That sounds like your best option

I totally get what you ladies are saying about the BJ thing. Three years ago I would have said the same thing. If I refuse its World War III and he will wake the kids up, throw cold water on me, and basically just bully me into doing it anyway. I've thought about leaving, but I'd be stuck here in Australia because he refuses to agree for dual citizenship for our son so that I can't go back to the States with DS without his permission ... And he knows I'd never leave my baby. I don't have a job, finding employment is difficult at the moment, even more so because I'm pregnant, and I have no friends or family support. He would have the upper hand by far for custody. It's a sucky situation but I'm trying to do what I can to make it work.

I totally get what you ladies are saying about the BJ thing. Three years ago I would have said the same thing. If I refuse its World War III and he will wake the kids up, throw cold water on me, and basically just bully me into doing it anyway. I've thought about leaving, but I'd be stuck here in Australia because he refuses to agree for dual citizenship for our son so that I can't go back to the States with DS without his permission ... And he knows I'd never leave my baby. I don't have a job, finding employment is difficult at the moment, even more so because I'm pregnant, and I have no friends or family support. He would have the upper hand by far for custody. It's a sucky situation but I'm trying to do what I can to make it work.

Wow. I didn't realize it was that bad. My situation is very different. He's just tough, old fashioned and a bit pig headed. But we have an excellent relationship. All 4 of our kids have duel American/Israeli. You need to find out from an attorney who deals with international law, what your rights are and fast. At first, you came off very frustrated and angry with DH, but now if its a cry for help, please let us know and I am sure most of us will try to help.

Wow. I didn't realize it was that bad. My situation is very different. He's just tough, old fashioned and a bit pig headed. But we have an excellent relationship. All 4 of our kids have duel American/Israeli. You need to find out from an attorney who deals with international law, what your rights are and fast. At first, you came off very frustrated and angry with DH, but now if its a cry for help, please let us know and I am sure most of us will try to help.

That's a wonderful attitude to have through this. But you are his slave and you should get out quick if you can build a case against him with a lawyer to make sure you get the kids and child support! I'll keep you in my thoughts.

That's a wonderful attitude to have through this. But you are his slave and you should get out quick if you can build a case against him with a lawyer to make sure you get the kids and child support! I'll keep you in my thoughts.

i have to agree it is domestic abuse and as hard as it is it will only get worse. go to a lawyer find out your rights, then as hard as it will be take your kids and go to a shelter and get some help. if you stay and allow him to treat you like that then you are showing your kids that that is how is is suppose to be which it is not. coming from a family of abuse you are doing more harm then you realize to your kids by staying and allowing it to go on. i will keep you in my thoughts. i pray it gets better for you.

i have to agree it is domestic abuse and as hard as it is it will only get worse. go to a lawyer find out your rights, then as hard as it will be take your kids and go to a shelter and get some help. if you stay and allow him to treat you like that then you are showing your kids that that is how is is suppose to be which it is not. coming from a family of abuse you are doing more harm then you realize to your kids by staying and allowing it to go on. i will keep you in my thoughts. i pray it gets better for you.

KatieSmith25 is just being a bully, don't listen to her. No woman in her right mind would ASK for this and I agree with everyone that it's domestic abuse. I couldn't imagine living that way. There has to be something you can do. I'll pray for you and your kiddo's! Keep us updated!

KatieSmith25 is just being a bully, don't listen to her. No woman in her right mind would ASK for this and I agree with everyone that it's domestic abuse. I couldn't imagine living that way. There has to be something you can do. I'll pray for you and your kiddo's! Keep us updated!

If I could give you a hug right now, I would! This would never, ever fly in my house. If DH didn't like the food I cooked, he'd be responsible for cooking from then on. I only wash the clothes that make it into the hamper. If he leaves them anywhere else I have no time to go searching, and he goes without those clean clothes. If he thinks DD needs a diaper change or a bath, or a check in the middle of the night he'd better get up and do it. If he couldn't scrape his plates off, he'd be eating off of paper plates with plastic silverware that I can throw away. He either has no concept of what it actually takes to keep a household running running (in which case, sit him down and explain it to him) or, he's a complete selfish a$$ (sorry). I have no time for men who take women for granted and treat them like domestic staff. Honestly, if nothing else, just tell him you're doing the best you can and if that's not good enough then he needs to step in and help. It makes no sense that he won't get you cleaning help until you can keep the house properly clean for 6 months. if you could do that, you wouldn't need help. It seems as though he thinks you just aren't trying hard enough. I would be sorely tempted to just let it all go because he obviously doesn't appreciate ANY of the effort you make, so why kill yourself when you're sick and pregnant when it's not appreciated? I'm so, so sorry your DH is like this, he seems like he is totally self-centered and has absolutely no sympathy for anyone else. As for you showing interest in him, it's a two-way street. You can let him know that you'll be interested in him when he can be sympathetic, helpful and understanding to you for at least 6 months.

In my opinion his mother spoiled him and he now expects that from you. he expects a perfect caretaker instead of a mate or partner who is equal. If his mother chose to sacrifice her personal life for her family that's great, but you're not his mother. He needs to realize that he didn't marry his mother and YOU are his wife and have different ways of handling your household. And every time his mother tries to tell you what you should be doing, just say "Thank you for your opinion but it's my house (or family)." and don't let her continue to badger you about anything. Just keep repeating that to her and maybe she'll get the point to butt out. Holy smokes, you have a lot going on. There are lots of posts to this effect on this board so it's definitely not just your DH who is like this. He needs a serious adjustment, and unfortunately, it's probably going to be up to you to do it. In the meantime, here's another hug, and i hope you're feeling better soon so at least that won't be an issue. xx

If I could give you a hug right now, I would! This would never, ever fly in my house. If DH didn't like the food I cooked, he'd be responsible for cooking from then on. I only wash the clothes that make it into the hamper. If he leaves them anywhere else I have no time to go searching, and he goes without those clean clothes. If he thinks DD needs a diaper change or a bath, or a check in the middle of the night he'd better get up and do it. If he couldn't scrape his plates off, he'd be eating off of paper plates with plastic silverware that I can throw away. He either has no concept of what it actually takes to keep a household running running (in which case, sit him down and explain it to him) or, he's a complete selfish a$$ (sorry). I have no time for men who take women for granted and treat them like domestic staff. Honestly, if nothing else, just tell him you're doing the best you can and if that's not good enough then he needs to step in and help. It makes no sense that he won't get you cleaning help until you can keep the house properly clean for 6 months. if you could do that, you wouldn't need help. It seems as though he thinks you just aren't trying hard enough. I would be sorely tempted to just let it all go because he obviously doesn't appreciate ANY of the effort you make, so why kill yourself when you're sick and pregnant when it's not appreciated? I'm so, so sorry your DH is like this, he seems like he is totally self-centered and has absolutely no sympathy for anyone else. As for you showing interest in him, it's a two-way street. You can let him know that you'll be interested in him when he can be sympathetic, helpful and understanding to you for at least 6 months.

In my opinion his mother spoiled him and he now expects that from you. he expects a perfect caretaker instead of a mate or partner who is equal. If his mother chose to sacrifice her personal life for her family that's great, but you're not his mother. He needs to realize that he didn't marry his mother and YOU are his wife and have different ways of handling your household. And every time his mother tries to tell you what you should be doing, just say "Thank you for your opinion but it's my house (or family)." and don't let her continue to badger you about anything. Just keep repeating that to her and maybe she'll get the point to butt out. Holy smokes, you have a lot going on. There are lots of posts to this effect on this board so it's definitely not just your DH who is like this. He needs a serious adjustment, and unfortunately, it's probably going to be up to you to do it. In the meantime, here's another hug, and i hope you're feeling better soon so at least that won't be an issue. xx

I think there's no way a man can be perfect for 3 years than all of a sudden turn into a monster, but if that's the case she willingly complies to his every whim including allowing the sexual abuse, I am by no means a "bully" or whatever but any woman who doesn't care enough about herself or her children to get away from a situation like this is just disgusting

I think there's no way a man can be perfect for 3 years than all of a sudden turn into a monster, but if that's the case she willingly complies to his every whim including allowing the sexual abuse, I am by no means a "bully" or whatever but any woman who doesn't care enough about herself or her children to get away from a situation like this is just disgusting

Katie, it's not that easy. It's not all black and white. People get psychologically sucked in and slowly beaten down and eventually lose themselves. She's making the first step by reaching out. I don't think youre a bully, I think you are ignorant.

Katie, it's not that easy. It's not all black and white. People get psychologically sucked in and slowly beaten down and eventually lose themselves. She's making the first step by reaching out. I don't think youre a bully, I think you are ignorant.

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