February 3, 2010

Cross These Off the List …

As I begin the final semester of my Cornell career, the imminence of the dreaded G-word is becoming impossible to ignore. Since I have just four short months left to complete the unchecked items on my personal Big Red Ambition list, I’ve come to terms with the reality that there are some things on the list I’ll never do. I’m not really one to beat myself up over such matters, so naturally I’ve chosen to blame other people for what will, in May, become my failure to complete all 161 things.

To start with, there’s #9: Take Psych 101. Obviously, it is the registrar’s fault I never took this class. I had a conflict freshman year, and then I stopped taking classes that meet before 11:40, so a MWF 10:10 was out of the question. Oh well. Over it.

Then there’s #90: Males — Get Thrown out of Balch Hall. Clearly, there is no way for me to check this one off my list. The fault for this one rests on the lovely editors of this very paper, who made it impossible for half of the Cornell population to complete this list. Irritating.

I once got weird looks for peeing in the men’s restroom in Dickson Hall, where I lived freshman year, because I didn’t feel like walking all the way to the women’s restroom. In retrospect, that just seems really dumb, but I think it’s the closest I’ll come to a female equivalent.

Another task I missed out on when I moved off of North Campus is #117: drink with your R.A. Like most Cornellians, I actually spent my freshman year attempting to avoid combining alcohol with the lovely Clara Dickson Hall Resident Advisors.

After a particularly rowdy night during Orientation Week, my friends and I were sitting in the hall recounting events of the evening when our R.A., furious at having been woken up, stormed out of her room.

“These walls are paper thin,” she shrieked as we started shaking in fear. “I AM TIRED. I AM SLEEPING. I DON’T CARE IF YOU SNORTED COKE OFF A HOOKER’S ASS TONIGHT. I DON’T WANT TO HEAR IT.” (Seriously. These were her exact words.) Hardly the sort of uncomfortable conversation I wanted to remedy the next morning by bringing her a Bloody Mary as a peace offering.

Despite my impressive extracurricular activities, which include writing this column, sitting on my couch, completing things on the 161 things list and sitting on my couch thinking about how I should be completing things on the 161 things list so I can write this column, I will never be tapped for a secret society.

Apparently, the hours spent on the aforementioned couch don’t exactly count as contributions to the Cornell community and I have not been considered for one of these illustrious organizations, so that’s one more thing I won’t be able to complete while I’m here. (Screw you, Ben Eisen.)

I’ve also been waiting around for someone to ask me to be a model in the Cornell Design League’s annual fashion show. Despite my 5’3” stature, complete inability to walk in heels and embarrassing klutziness, I can’t figure out why no one has selected me. Oddness.

Aside from the above items, I should, in theory, be able to complete the 75 remaining tasks on the Big Red Ambition List. (This excludes #99: Eat a Pinesburger. Cows are friends, not food!) Will I actually finish all of them? Absolutely not. I’ll be too busy indulging my senioritis with #60: Sit in Libe Café when you have no work to do and watch the worried studiers down gallons of coffee.

Ideally, I’ll get to most of the tasks. Seniors: I hope you do too. Freshmen: don’t forget to do a shot with your R.A. while you still have the chance. Happy Big Red Ambition-ing!

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