Well, life could be troublesome. It does not flow smoothly as we expected to be. What should I do with it? How do I handle it? Who am I turning into? Those questions pop out on my head. I did answer them myself. The answer was simple, I do not know. My life is a dead end. I can see myself in the future, see myself to be a failure. A big BOO for me. I am such a loser. This is the lowest point of my life. That was my thought.

I simply changed that 'I dont know' into ' I can solve this'. It is crystal clear I have ALLAH. Everything was my fault, I was busy chasing dunya, materials and stuff but I forgot His existence. I am a human, I have my weakness and I am on my way to improve it. But before I deal with myself to fix things, I am actually investigating my relationship with ALLAH. I did all the wrongs and still doing it. He gave me all the burdens because of the sins that I made and He wants me to turn into him and be a slave of ALLAH. I motivated myself why I am facing all bad things? Because ALLAH wants me to learn from the situation and as preparation for me facing the bigger bad situation. I am trying my best not to blame Him when the unwanted things happened. But, the possibility of me doing it is high because I have my weakness and when things did not work out as I planned. My anger was raging storm inside of me. But before I do so, I have to be positive on everything happened to me, not blaming people and of course ask myself, why did this happen. World is pushing us down. It is the way we handle the pressure. I am not a good person, but I am improving myself in terms of religious, self- esteem, self- manners, handling people who would push me around, handling my issues, being a good daughter, being a responsible person and etc. The point is, I am trying to be a better person, trying to get rid of my childish behavior and be a mature person at certain circumstances. Another few days, I will be turning 25. Of course, some of my friends just got married this year but the good news is, it did not really hit me. I did not feel 'Awww... what about me? I have someone but we are stupid and full of moronity'. I feel happy for my friends who has got married. Because my life is a long way ahead and there is too much to plan for the future me. Getting married is of course on my plan list and I am going to make it huge and grand (that sounds so depressing since the economic crisis getting worst). Well, what we plan does not necessarily going to work as we wanted it to be. Maybe it happens but in a slightly different way. Not exactly what we wished. Maybe it does not happen at all, but a better things occur instead. It is something that you need, not something that you want.

All I wanted to be was a successful and responsible person to my family and the community. It is not easy as it seems. But as I said, I want to fix my relationship with ALLAH and my surroundings because sometimes, well maybe in certain situation, I can be mean. Through my words or my actions. People judge me and I do judge them too, silently or obviously. Depends on how we express our feelings on certain circumstances. I am going to be a better me and be a nice person sincerely not because of something else that could be beneficial to me (sometimes it happens, uhh... yes offence).

Well, I am going to finish what I have started and go with the flow and be happy for it. Be happy for myself and be happy for what is going on even though it is hard. I am trying as hard as I can be a better person and be someone that my mother can be proud of. Work harder and smarter in order to complete what I have started from the beginning and please do not be cocky when I accomplished them. Be humble where I am and who I am dealing with. Smile even though that person looks at you with an ugly and hideous face expression. Life goes on, clock is ticking you loves ones wait for you with a scroll in your hand. Your life is waiting for a big job opportunity that fits you in.