{I wrote this 3 months ago, and having finished the necessary “phases” I talk about below, I can honestly say that it has been very beneficial. Around my birthday Nathan introduced me to Socionics and it was incredibly helpful and validating about my choices (read: it’s accuracy about intertype relations freaked us both out – especially in regards to particularly hard relationships that I had been struggling with for sometime). That being said, I wanted to give myself some time to see how I viewed decision and felt about the resulting change before posting it publicly.}

* * *

In the last days before we left Ohio for Texas, I was grateful for the trip, but more than ready to be home and launch into ‘Little Prince mode’: just me, Nathan, and Autumn on our little planet watching sunsets and keeping a lookout for baobabs. The election after-math intensified this desire and left me daydreaming about giving into Mennonite fantasies: modified Amish quilting bees with local friends, selective play-dates, and church gatherings – the end.

So I largely stayed off FB and created an alternative feed so I could continue to follow pages I adore. Internally, I quieted quite a bit from just that and it was awesome. Since my home and the atmosphere in it are two of my highest priorities, I work hard to be intentional about what enters it from food to toys. Yet each time I opened FB I was allowing myself to invite unintentional, uncensored life in – with me being the gate: my family had to deal with a dip in my mood or my under-the-surface anger at social justice issues.

By choosing to disengage, I no longer had to put energy into empathizing with others pain and emotionally recovering from news of numerous far-off tragedies each week. (I agree that Believers should be the most active in the lives of the marginalized, and able to grieve very profoundly for the hurting – but I have to be selective because it can easily take a toll. Plus — this ain’t the season. Hopefully as the kids get older and I’ve worked through my childhood more, I’ll be able to foster and adopt and bring a whole and surrendered woman to that fight).

I was also able to put to rest the nagging reality that there’s half a continent between myself and old friends. While I enjoy keeping up with what’s happening in their lives and offering kind or caring words along the way, the truth that I can no longer be in their lives to the degree I’d like to be is hard on a highly-relational gal such as myself. Being reminded of the separation on a daily basis impacts my spirit in a negative way (read: it’s a downer).

* * *

As with my parenting and my faith, I started looking backwards (typical ISFJ) at traditional tribes and how humans have evolved to live and function. The question became: are we really meant to be frequently blasted by all this and have to carry it day-in-and-day-out?

10 mintues after running through my usual list of ideas and concerns while laying in bed this a.m., I finally felt like it was acceptable to open my eyes. Looking to see if Nate was still in the room and were Autumn was lying – both were found and both I found amusing: We currently sleep on 5 felted wool layers on the floor. She was laying at the corner with one arm extended onto the to floor and one foot propped-up against the opposite leg: full cheeks, messy puffballs, super cute. Nate was directly underneath her which is also amusing. : )

My mind went back to baby’s positioning in my womb and my concerns about it, even at only 27 weeks. Autumn was double footling breech, so this is a biggy for me.
I start taking those concerns to Him even though it feels “off.” Much like I’m a dud of a daughter who mostly just disappoints while choosing her own thing, except when I come back asking for something I need.

Ouch.

It’s unfamiliar territory, truly. I rarely felt like I disappointed my earthly (adoptive, grand)parents – they were thrilled that I tended to follow the rules, went to church, got good grades, and showed no interest in parties, substance abuse, or the “wrong crowd.” It was another story with my bio mom – before age 13 I can’t say I felt she saw me much at all, one of the many downsides to being a mother with a drug addiction.

Alright, where was I?

Oh yeah, being a screw up daughter (or at least feeling that way. It’s a weird dynamic having 3 parents influencing your idea of God and how you relate to Him). It’s not that I can’t have another c-section – yes, a healthy mom and healthy baby are my highest request – but as a girl strongly tied to her ideals, oh how badly I want this to be a smooth transition for my family, for Autumn.

So I focus on praying for that instead – not for a certain type of birth, or even what the transition should look like according to me (or the books and articles I’ve read), but really simply — for grace.

I stumbled upon this link a few months ago while searching for “ESFJ + Austin, Tx” – and I’m so glad I did! It’s one of my favorite descriptions of how my mind works but I wanted to expand on their descriptions with personal application. My thoughts will be this in (super cute green) color and/or the indented text.

There’s quite a bit of content here, and it might get confusing if you’re not familiar with Type Theory, but it’s one of my passions and I want to make sure to get this on my blog for Autumn and her future sibling(s) to read one day.

1st Function: Fe – Extraverted Feeling

Fe’s are extremely intentional. Deeply devoted to those they’ve chosen to pour into, Fe is the epitome of “love in action.”

I haven’t blogged in a while because the USB cord that remotely connects my workstation to the computer in Nate’s office has been on the fritz.

Other times it could be a clingy babe, needing to make food, or a bunch of House Hunters Renovation episodes showed up on my DVR 🙂

Or, I just plum don’t feel like it/got nothing to say really.

I want to address the atmosphere of this site. I hate portraying our life as fantastic and sweet because while it is amazing it’s so far from perfect. I do like sharing my struggles, but it’s hard to gauge when I’m heading into complaining territory. Plus, I don’t want to focus on the bad or give the ugly parts too much mental weight. I want this site to be a small corner of cyber space that holds memories for us to look back on that I don’t have to worry about losing, or getting burned, or taking up space.

So I’m kind of stuck.

I don’t want Autumn to come to these pages as a mom and think I had it all figured out and since she’s struggling she must be failing.I don’t want my friends, curious or new to the things I’m into to be turned off by the time it takes or the knowledge they don’t seem to have.I don’t want wives and girlfriends to see the posts showcasing Nate’s romantic side and feel discontent with there guys.

Motherhood is rough. Rich and full of good things, but o how I wish there was a pause button.Slow food is so interesting and good for us but I feel so behind and literally am learning at a snail’s pace (is that where the “slow” part comes in?) at every.single.step. Squeezing it in as life allows.Nathan is i.n.c.r.e.d.a.b.l.e! I love that man and appreciate how hard and long he works for us and the way he pushes us to improve. But he also has the power to make me lose my mind from frustration or make me want to go away to the bedroom and cry because if something he didn’t do or shouldn’t have said.

Not so perfect.

But still, I think I can keep it real in a category on here without taking away from the whole blog.

Some things to keep in mind:-My problems, are 1st world problems – I have it really good.-Through Christ, all is redeemable and made new. Nothing to fear, nothing to make us hide away in shame (for those who are known by Him).-I’ll share shortcomings and frustrations, but I’ll have nate proof read each one and won’t put him or Autumn down through it. They’re not perfect, but the works doesn’t need to know about the details.

This realization hit me again this morning and it felt amazing and rewarding.

Seriously, I love being so bonded to this human being. It makes my heart race with purpose and fear at the same time. This little person means so much to me. And lately as I witness her crawl toward something she wants, I almost wish for time to slow down a bit as I can’t deny her independence is growing. . .

But those moments she makes a B-line for me – Does it get any better than that?!

Autumn’s lovey, “Burt” or “Bszzzz.” We’ll see which one she likes better : )

Our house is so chaotic right now. Thankfully it’s an exciting kind of chaos so it’s the good kind. But seriously, things are torn out from everywhere, strewn across the room, waiting patiently to be put into just the right box. . .

Yesterday we visited my birth mom’s and step dad’s new place in Willoughby and got to see my 3 year old nephew and 2 year old niece. What a circus! Is this what I’m in for? Haha are toddlers always such wild animals?

{Family picture @ my Ma’s.}

At one point my mom told me that I’ll probably be homesick for a couple of months once we first get to Austin. My stepdad said that happened to him: just moving from St. Louis to Indiana after a few months he was more than ready to go back. But once he went back he saw that it was nothing like it used to be – and he could take it or leave it.

I can totally relate to that. I remember, as a teen thinking “How can life ever be as good as it is now? I don’t want youth group and bible quizzing to stop – Life won’t be as good if I can’t be with my friends 6 days a week – I don’t want to get older!” and then again with moving to Stow, away from my best friend and family – but both times it all worked out and I’m so glad I made the decisions I did. I’m so glad life kept happening and that I kept making new choices right along with it.

Life’s too good to let it go stale.
Gotta keep enjoying bite after bite as they come along.

Kinda like choosing not to hoard the Manna God gives. He’s given you some awesome gifts and you’re content with them. You want to keep them as long as possible; preferring to take a pass on whatever else God has in store because you might not like it as much. Why take the chance? Life is good here. Or maybe you’re scared of this new Manna: it’s new and different. You look at it and say “What is this?” (which is actually what Manna means) and are afraid to take it – grumbling or even resisting what a loving Father offers just for you.

You’d think after 24 years I’d have a rock-solid habit of looking back on all He’s done for me and be at rest because I can see that it’s always been better than before. He orders our steps. He’s had things planned for us from the beginning. He placed that Manna exactly where you’d see it, pick it up, and enjoy it. He delights in nourishing you.

Sometimes that nourishment is monotonous. Sometimes it is heartbreaking. Other times it is terrifying, life-changing, or more than you could have hoped for.

But it’s all nourishment from Him who delights to see you “take and eat,” giving thanks through all we have in Jesus Christ, our true Nourishment – offered and broken for His beloved. (Man, that gives me chills – a King that would die for His subjects.*)

So anyways – all that to get in words what I’m pondering on my heart lately. I’m a firm believer that God wants us to trust, act, and trust (notice trust is there twice). It’s safe to take that step because we know the Shepherd, and we trust that He’ll use His rod to correct us if we start veering off His path.

I’m so excited about Austin. 43 days now. So many unknowns. So many boxes. So much joy.

& Can’t wait to see what He has in store!

May I always seek to eat this Jesus-Manna offered and broken for me with joy and thanksgiving,

Morgan Reid

I'm wife and mama learning how to love Jesus, and love on others the way He does.
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Into crunchy and natural living; mindful parenting; social justice; and environmental advocacy. I like anything domestic (decorating, fabric arts, etc), Monet's art work, photography, ASL, and having real connections with other humans. (:
Currently living in Austin, loving all the 'weird.' Counting gifts and enjoying God. ‡
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MBTI: xSFJ. Enneagram Type 6.