even before he was born something was different. i went to yoga. i stopped working. i drank a lot of tea. i lived to lay in the sun. or read. or write. i thought i looked good prego. i felt good. i was all zen or whatever. and it was different.

even when i went in to labor it was different. i thought i was just getting the flu. apparnetly not. i think i pushed three times. that was it. no meds. no screaming. three times. that’s it. very calm and relaxing. however calming giving birth can be.

and he is different. calming different. butterfly kisses different. wants to be by his mom different. will sit and play lego’s for hours with his papa different. will rub his sisters back when she is crying different. prays for the kids in haiti and africa different. wants to meet Jesus to ask him a few things different. doesn’t play video games, have play guns, watch more than an half hour of tv a day different.

i love my different.

others have noticed he is different. others have started to question it. others that are his age. others that are my age. others ask how will he make it in this world? how will he fit in? how will he not be bullied?

i love my different. i love that he doesn’t fit in. i love that he doesn’t look like the world. i love that he stands apart. i love that he care more about the world than things of the world. i love that he has an imagination. i love that he is different. he has made me different.

inspired. i am inspired by people. i am inspired by authors. i am inspired by Jesus. i am inspired by my children.

my children daily inspire me.

i daily stop in awe of them. in awe. in awe of their hearts. in awe of the love they show. in awe of the compassion pouring from their every being. in awe of the contagious laughter. the laughter that makes you want to pee your pants kind of laughter. in awe of their fight for the unlovable. in awe of the empathy they carry. in awe of the creativity. in awe of the spirit inside of them that makes them want to live in africa. in awe of the love. the love of Jesus that they want to tell the world about.

and i am inspired by it all.

inspired because it came from you. you who daily love them. you who daily pray for them. you who build tents in my living room with them. you who radiate Jesus to them. you who comfort them. you who let them sing taylor swift songs and eat chocolate for dinner. you who give them baths without using soap because they are too much in a hurry. you who hug them. you who teach them. you who laugh with them. you.

the following video is from one of my dearest friends….whom i am honored and blessed to call a friend. she has written an amazing new book. that is right a new book. i love people who write. but i love her even more because she loves Jesus. she loves Him with her whole heart. and just because she loves Him doesn’t mean life is easy. it is anything but. yet because she lives for Him and Him alone He has led her life in places she never thought she would go. so please order a copy of her book. because she is real. and so is HE.http://vimeo.com/7093233

and we buy it. we buy the clothes. we buy the perfume. we buy the ads. we buy it.

i told my girls to walk the other way. walk away from naked pelvic boy. walk away from clothes that make you feel you are not the right size. walk away from a store that says you have to be perfect. walk away and don ‘t sell yourself short.

i am 34. i am 34 is what i keep telling myself. i am 34 with four amazing kids. i am 34 and have a wonderful family. i am 34 and have a faith that i can’t fathom. i am 34 and have a husband who tries so hard. i am 34 and have friends who care deeply. i am 34.

i feel 19. i feel 19 at this moment. i feel 19 as my stomach does flips. i feel 19 as i pack my bag. i feel 19 as i look in the mirror. i feel 19 as i hear you aren’t thin enough. i feel 19 as i hear you are so fat. i feel 19 as i wonder why they want to be around me. i feel 19 as i think about why they popular girls even want to be seen with me. i feel 19. i hate feeling 19. i hate feeling like i am in a bubble. i hate feeling like i want to hide. i hate feeling like i will never be enough. i hate feeling like i am 19.

i am 34. i am 34 and still let myself feel like 19. i am 34 and want to forget 19.

i am 34 and never want my girls to feel 19. 19 like i did. 19 like i still do.

my baby started middle school. my baby. the baby i was so terrified of bringing into this world. the baby that made me cry tears. the baby that made me an unwed mom. the baby that some friends suggested i abort. the baby that i got so sick from. the baby that i was so afraid to tell my dad about. the baby that changed. the baby that changed me.

she walked into middle school. walked into the can’t get your locker open. walked into the taller than most of the kids. walked into forgetting to your gym uniform . walked into the petty girl gossip. walked into not having any friends. walked into tripping in the hallway. walked into teasing. walked into her first dance. and she walked.

except my baby walked proud. proud with her purple shoes. proud with her new backpack. proud with her packed lunch. proud of her cross around her neck.

my baby isn’t a baby anymore. she has changed and grown into a purple shoe wearing girl who loves Jesus. my baby has changed.

i had a hard time today. we were school shopping. and not the usual. not the whining and complaining. not the wandering. not the its not cool school shopping. but the it went really smooth school shopping.

to many moms this would seem like a dream. they would savor even five minutes of what i had today. to not have any fighting or arguing. to have a day where they said thank you all of the time. that is the day i had. but it was hard.

as we were coming home my eight year old asked. asked if she could send clothes to africa. so that they could have new school clothes too. and this was hard. hard because so many kids in africa can’t even go to school. much less think about new clothes.

and then i thought. and then i felt sick. sick about the amount of money we spend each year on going back to school. going back to fit in. going back to be the smartest. going back to being popular. going back to be in the advanced classes.

sick at the thought of how many pairs of shoes each of our kids have. sick at the thought of how many shirts and pants. sick at how many coats and hats. and that is just for one season.

and then i thought what are we teaching our kids. what are we teaching ourselves. when is it going to be enough. when is it enough.

when and how do we teach our kids to live simply. and to know the difference between need and want. when.

when do we teach them that they don’t need new school clothes. they need education. they need love. they need food. they need family. they need Jesus. that is it.