Thursday, September 17, 2009

Greatest Classical CD Covers EVER, Part 7

DIE FRAU OHNE SCHATTEN
A gazelle urinating on a naked pregnant woman. If you know the opera, you know that this isn't as crazy as it sounds.

CLASSICS FOR CHILDREN
Check out the space-age jacket! Time traveller Arthur Fiedler steps out of the Time Tunnel from the year 2512 to instruct the world's youth in classical music before it's too late. This is like Star Trek IV when Spock had to rescue those singing whales from the Klingons.

PETER AND THE WOLF
Dominy, a kind reader, reminded me of this one. Jonathan's really gotta grow a pair. Being scared of a pantomime wolf! I would not run if one of those came prancing after me. I'd smack his mask around and jump him. These pantomime guys are all talk. Trust me.

VAUGHAN WILLIAMS - THE COLLECTORS' EDITION
At least when Elgar haunted the countryside, things didn't get out of hand. A few spooky noises, sure, but nothing to get upset about. Certainly no overturned barns or floating beds or anything. Unlike RVW who's been tearing it up out there like its Poltergeist 2. I admit I was one of those who demanded the Ghostbusters be run out of town when they made me uncomfortable. But now we need them! They're heroes to this city. I'm sorry for everything! Save us! Come back! COME BACK!

PFITZNER - VON DEUTSCHER SEELE
Hands down the most badass composer ever. What aspect of this cover isn't terrifying? And a look through his works catalog reveals what a menace this guy was. The Punch Your Face Cantata, Op. 120? "The Future Is Pain" Variations? The "Kick Your Ass Down The Stairs" Lieder? Sheesh. And what about the ad campaign for his last cd where he was punching that hanging cow carcass? Better to just buy this CD and stay out of his way.

VLADISLAV KAZENIN
This looks like a picture torn from a 1970s photo album. "Oh, and here's Uncle Vladislav. He was odd. He'd sit at that piano at every family gathering and become furious if anyone asked him to play. I honestly don't know if he actually could play the piano or not...."

AIDA
What a horror show. Missing arms, bandaged stumps and a man's severed genitalia flying by. And this is a series of opera for children! I admit that shielding your kids too much isn't good, but their playschool doesn't have to be the Grand Guignol.