Saturday, October 8, 2011

Best Friends for Life, Part 2 ("Hard to Say I'm Sorry")

My blog readers know that back in July I wrote an entry about my relationship with my best girlfriend. At that time, I was confident we would be best friends forever. Now, I am not so sure. What happened? I'm quite sure you are wondering. Well, never fear, I will certainly tell you!

It started on that July day when she called to ask my advice about a certain man. At the time, I didn't think too much about it. I just figured it was a temporary insanity type of thing. You see, this man she had met while she was in vacation in another country. And he wasn't a fellow tourist--he actually resided there. So, I assumed my BF, who is full of wisdom, intelligence, and common sense, would realize that this was a no-win situation. Unfortunately, she did not and persisted in her fantasy.

Being the good best friend that I am, I sent her an e-mail that expressed my concern about her getting involved in a relationship with a man that she barely knew that lived in another country. Let me just say here that I had the BEST INTENTIONS in writing this e-mail. I love my best friend. I am very loyal to my friends and protective of people that I love. The thought of her being used or getting hurt was not something I wanted to risk. So, I expressed my concerns to her.

She responded to me in a way that was very hurtful. Basically, her message to me was that I do not have good judgment in relationships. I mean, look at all the past experiences I have had where I have been stupid, naive, or just plain crazy. It was a very hurtful e-mail to receive and brought up a lot of old wounds. The e-mail felt mean-spirited.

I didn't respond right away. My first reaction was to lash out in anger and hurt, but I resisted. Then, I wanted to be sarcastic and mean, but I resisted that impulse as well. Finally, I decided to be truthful and open about how I felt, so I sent a reply that did just that.

I soon got a reply e-mail. I was nervous to open it, but then I thought, "Surely she will realize I was being a loving, caring friend when I wrote to her, and she was not that way in return, so she will apologize." Wrong! Here is what I got in return: Dear Kim, I'm sorry if referencing your past experiences caused you distress. My intent was only to understand why you would think it necessary to tell me how to manage my own relationships instead of being supportive and just encouraging me to consider the pros and cons. I think if you are going to tell others what to do with their relationships, you should expect the conversation to sometimes go both ways.

WTH???

I didn't respond, and at this time I'm not planning on responding. Obviously she doesn't get that I wrote to her out of love and concern. She also doesn't get that her reply message to me was very hurtful, and she doesn't think she did anything wrong.

At this point, I'm wondering if continuing in this relationship is worth it. I hate to drop a friend after 34 years. But is it worth it to turn the other cheek and go on? Would this be a case of forgiving someone, or would it be a case of allowing someone to trample my feelings? I just don't know. Readers (and most of you are my friends as well), what should I do? What would you do? And why is it so hard for people to say three simple words: I am sorry.

2 comments:

Let it be. It's OK to live in the grey area of being friends who don't talk that much. It's easy to forget how weird (and defensive) people in new relationships can be, especially if the relationship is unlikely to mature. If it works out, you can have fun at the wedding and be pleasantly surprised you ever doubted them. If not, well, be there without an "I told you so." She'll come around.