Monday, September 10, 2007

True Wife Confessions 207 grapes on the vine

Confession #2061

I've been thinking about it for a while...I've been thinking that maybe i would like to try anal sex. But since you've never really expressed any interest, i'm very hesitant. We've always laughed together that it's an exit hole only, and i've joked that if you do it to me, you have to let me do it to you.I think that if i suggested it you would probably say yes.I'm afraid it might hurt.I'm more afraid that you will like it. After three babies, i'm reasonably certain that anal sex would feel a lot tighter for you than vaginal sex. I'm afraid that you will like it more than regular intercourse and that you will be disappointed if i don't enjoy it enough to do it again.I'm also very self-conscious about it; i mean, it's my anus, for crying out loud! Nobody's ever been up close and personal with it.I don't know...i probably won't say anything. Since the last baby, i seem to have lost my sexual confidence. I have a hard enough time asking you to touch me. You always offer.You're a great lover.

Confession #2062

To my ex-husband,

I had an epiphany about you a couple of weeks ago.You're still a jerk, and I don't like you one bit.

But the hatred is finally gone.

I have peace in my heart after three years. Make that 16 years.

It feels GOOD! :)

Confession #2063

I love you so much. I would give the world for your smile, and somewhere I know you know that. You know that I have put my happiness, needs, wants, emotions, money, absolutely everything aside for you. You know I love you so much that I would never leave. Sometimes I wonder if this is what ruined us, or me, or what we used to have.

I was being a "douche bag" last week so you went to a party and danced with a girl named Eva. You hooked up, and even "have her number." You tell me I need to apologize for "everything I have done to you." I have bought you a motorcycle. I have charged $1200 dollars on my credit card filling up your gas tank 5x last month and paying for all your food. YOU are the one with a 34 on the ACT, YOU are the one that got a FULL RIDE to college, YOU are the "genius" that is going to be a petroleum engineer. Why am I paying for you? I have called you over and over again balling and apologizing for anything I could think of, saying I love you and I miss you.. to which you respond, "contact me, and we are over." I have never cheated on you. You broke up with me that night. I never touched Collin. I slept on the floor of his house.. you were THERE, why don't you believe me? Why am I treated this way for something that never happened? ..when you hook up with other girls all the time, because I was being "a douche bag" ? Do you not think cheating on me is worse in every way possible than me sleeping on the floor of our friend's house because you broke up with me and I had no where to go at 2:30 am?

You call me stupid, you hang up on me to talk to other girls, you tell me I fail at everything, and when I beg for you to say I am beautiful, you get "annoyed" and hang up on me. When I cry, you call me "so fucking immature." I have cried for a very long time over you. I am trying so hard. I have given you everything my broken heart could possibly give. What do you want me to do?

Laughing with you is the best thing in the world. When you touch me, there is nothing I could do to tell you no. When I fall asleep with you and feel your heart next to me, it is the most peaceful feeling in the world. But I never get simple things like voice mails saying I love you anymore, I never get phone calls, or even text messages. I never get any emotions from you really, unless you want sex, or for me to talk dirty to you.

I love you. I can't do this anymore. But I could never leave. No one is like you.

P.S - My grandfather dying is more important than talking dirty to you.

Confession #2064

Two weekends ago you told me the 'truth'. I never would have been the wiser. Of all the people in the world, you, my husband of two years, I trusted. I never have doubted a single word you have spoken, and now I don't believe your own breath to fill your lungs.You say you don't remember what day it was. You say it was when we were first together and you always meant to tell me. And now I know that they have been laughing at me all along. Micheal was my friend, he saved my life once. Before you knew me. When I lived in a different world. And he's known your secret all along. You threatened him not to tell me. I know you would have come through with your threat. But I would think I meant more to him than that. Maybe he is laughing at me too.I can't stop thinking about what you told me. Fuck you! And your condescending ways.You are fake. Just like everyone else.You say it doesn't really matter. You're still the same person.But that is not the point. If I had known what you did right after you had did it...we would not be here now.We would not be married, have a car and house (not a home anymore) and dog.

This life I have right now with you is based on fraud.

And all I can think about is Where am I supposed to be right now?

Please sign me Anonymous

Confession #2065

My husband was deployed months ago. We have a mutual friend whom I would consider to be one of my closest guy friends. He used to date my best friend and that's how I met him. Well, a month after my husband left he called me and was clearly drunk and trying to drive home. I look out for my friends and we had a spare bedroom so I told him that he could stay there. We were talking like every other time we had talked. We were both laying on the floor facing different directions because we didn't have furniture. This was nothing new. He asked me if I had ever played the teasing game and I said no. He asked me if I wanted to play and I agreed only if we didn't let things go too far. I should have known better. Things got out of hand and I told him to stop a couple times but he didn't. He kept going and we ended up having sex. He apologized the next day and told me that my husband doesn't need to know and that it was a huge mistake. My husband knows about that night. The friend doesn't know that I told my husband. My husband doesn't know that we had sex 3 or 4 more times and the last time I had told him to stop just like the 1st time it happened. And he didn't. I liked the attention at first, but I didn't like that he forced me to have sex with him the first and the last time. I felt so guilty and unworthy of my husband. After I told my husband what happened the 1st time, he told me that if it happened again he would go to the friend's superiors and take action against him. Did I mention that the friend is in the military as well? He is now married and expecting a child and I don't want to tell my husband about the other times because I don't want to ruin the friends family life. His wife doesn't deserve that and neither does their child. It's not their fault it happened. I'm torn and not quite sure what to do. Any suggestions?

Confession #2066

Sometimes I feel that I can’t do it anymore. My life is so hectic. I know that others have it much worse, but it’s so hard to focus on the positives sometimes.

We are coming up on our 10th wedding anniversary and as it gets closer, I just wonder if we’d be better off apart. I know you say that you still love me, but it’s your actions, not words that I think about. The only time you really ever touch me is when you want sex. Ever since you started working nights again, our relationship has deteriorated. The other day I looked at apartments online. I actually thought about leaving you, and it wasn’t the first time. I don’t feel that we make each other strive to be better people anymore. You no longer make me a priority. I know that part of this is not your fault. I am used to being on my own, am an only child and very distant at times. I don’t need the companionship that others do, so I tend to push you away without thinking about it. I’m sorry about this. I don’t like to kiss you because you smoke and don’t brush your teeth often enough. I don’t go down on you because it’s gross. It’s not that I haven’t before; it’s just that doing it makes me gag. You are great about our sex life though; you require very little from me and constantly try to please me. But that’s where it ends. You rarely do house work even though I work full time and take care of the kids in the evening taking them to their activities, cooking and helping them with their homework. My day is so long and all I hear from you is how tired you are. It gets old. I feel especially stressed out right now with all that’s going on, but I have no help from you. You didn’t even go to the grocery store last night like you said you would.

This is not how I envisioned spending my life. I didn’t know that things can change so much. I used to think we had a great relationship and for the most part we did, but it really has changed over the past couple of years. You get so angry at times and I don’t understand why. On the weekends when we do see each other, you don’t spend any time with me. You don’t get up until I finally get so mad at trying to wake you up for hours that it makes you mad, and then we’re pretty much done for the day. I am so tired of hearing how tired you are. How do you think I feel? I feel like I might as well be on my own, at least then I am truly a single parent, rather than being one and still having to deal with your shit.

I just don’t know what to do. I don’t know whether to leave or not, or to even try. Any time I mention this to you, you get so bent out of shape and defensive about it. This is how I FEEL, I can’t change that. Is it worth it to try, even though I don’t feel that we can fall back in love, or do I cut my losses and move on? I don’t know, I feel so confused…

Confession #2067

When we were homeless I had places to go. But I couldn't go there with you,so I stayed homeless. I was miserable. Then I moved to the other side of thecountry with you, leaving everybody I have ever known and loved, FOR YOU!And what have you done for me? Bought me a computer? I couldn't care lesswhat you buy me, or how much money you make. It's not important. What isimportant, is that you make me feel loved. You go to work, you come home,you do your own thing, and then you go to bed. There's no, "Hi baby, Imissed you, you look beautiful today." it's only "Hey can you make mesomething to eat?" Maybe the reason that we hardly ever have sex any more isthat I don't feel sexy. Did you ever think of that? Maybe if you made someeffort to compliment me I would be happier. When I ask you why you love meall you can say is "Because I do". When I ask you what you love about me allyou can say is "I don't know." how am I supposed to feel when not onepositive thing about me comes to your mind? When I am asked the samequestions I have a million and one positive responses. I can't take itanymore. I am lonely and this place is killing me. Your family is horrible.Not one of them respects each other. I miss my family who ALWAYS respectsone another. I am beginning to resent you, and if nothing changes I think Imight hate you. I don't want to lose you. But if I stay miserable that justmight happen. And the worst part is that I've told you all these thingsbefore, and all you can do to respond is start listing off things that I dowrong. I don't deserve this. I really don't.

You make me a little bit disgusted. The whole porn thing is just weird for me and it is hard not to look at you and think you are a pervert. Sure whatever it is "normal" for guys to do that, I guess. But still I think you are a little gross. And I make comments all the time that are condescending and I know I am hurting you, but you hurt me all the time.

Confession #2068

The other night we were in bed, talking for the first time in what felt like ages. We even started to laugh about something...and for a second I remembered what I fell in love with about you. But, just like that the conversation moved to why I wasn't a good enough mother, wife, housekeeper - you name it. And I watched any flicker of love I have for you get extinguished again.

Confession #2069

Thank you for letting me have all day Saturday to shop with my girlfriend...AND not being in a pissy mood when I got home cause you had to be primary parent all day.

Confession #2070

I am so very confused right now. If I followed my instincts, my gut feelings, I would turn and run from you, because my fears that you are screwing around with your ex wife are true *if I followed my guts*. I want to believe you when you tell me that I need to trust you, and I feel guilty when I don't trust you. Maybe I don't trust myself?

The lack of sex is getting to me. More than a little. I finally stopped bothering you about it, because even after my medical problems were over, you still don't seem interested. You show affection in so many other ways, so I know that you do care, but even if you are stressed or always tired, you would rather watch your fucking hunting shows than have sex with me. Oh, blowjobs are fine, and I love like hell to give them to you, love being able to please you like that, but after a couple of months of so many of those, and only two sessions of sex *both of which were really rushed, might I add* I am starting to feel like I am rejected, obsolete. I want to scream or cry. I don't want to hurt you, but I have considered pursuing other relationships. Surely someone else would like to fuck me on occasion. Do you not respect me? Am I fat? Have I lose my appeal?? I have lost weight. I was attractive to you at first. We used to have sex a couple times a day, now I am lucky if we do a couple times a month. What happened? I feel like crawling out of my skin half the time, do I repulse you? You tell me that I need to build my self confidence, but that you are glad I am so sexually confident. Do you realize that since you have blown off all my advances towards you, I am starting to doubt myself even more? I didn't think that was possible. It has only been 5 months. I want this to work, we aren't married, just in a committed relationship. I feel like we could be perfect for each other, if it wasn't for this one thing. I am only 27. I feel like I am expected to feel old and frigid. Yes, I feel rejected. I can understand how your ex wife would have felt that way. But I care for you, aside from this little thing, I care for you so dearly. Part of me wonders if I am holding onto a future that can't exist. You have been so good to me. but I struggle in so many ways that you have never even seen. I feel lost. I feel like running away. I want you for once to WANT me and make the first move, before I lose my mind.

You were worried that I would screw my exes even though I feel nothing for them but work with one. I've thought about it. They may not care for me like you do, but I am a human being who enjoys sex and by damned, they like sex too. You don't seem to like it with me, or so it feels.

And another thing, I am glad you like my father, but you are so much like him in so many ways, all the ways I cannot stand, that it bothers me and I am insanely jealous that you are such good friends with him. I feel left out when the three of us get together and hang out...

63 comments:

Anonymous
said...

#2070 - Follow your gut. Do not pass go, do not collect $200, just begin to end this relationship and get free of him. You sound like you deserve and could easily get so much better. The relationship has enough issues as it is, but when you add in possible cheating and best-buddies with your dad you are looking at one miserable existence (and future life).

2065- You were raped and I wouldn't be surprised if he came back for more. Lock your doors. He needs to be dishonorly discharged from service and your husband should be allowed to have 15 minutes alone with him. Then maybe the asshole will understand what he has done to you. Good luck to you.

I know this is a place to sympathize, support, hand-hold, etc., etc. But before leaving comments telling people they are right, whatever they are going through is their partner's fault and that they should leave years-long relationships, could you all ask some questions or at least act like you're interested in hearing the other side of the story.

No matter what happens in a relationship, it is rarely one person who causes it.

2063:There may be no one else like him but I promise, promise, PROMISE there are MILLIONS of men on this earth better than him. I don't care how awesome he is when he is not doing the shit you just described. He is not a good man and he will only get worse. Get out! And if your name is on the paperwork of that motorcycle you bought him, take it with you! (unless there is a chance he will retaliate in a physically violent way) If not then just cut your losses. This man will never make you truly happy. He doesn't have it in him.

TRY ANAL! Its amazing! I just tried for the first time a few months ago, and I love it. I would suggest getting an anal plug first though, to play with yourself and see how you like it before getting your husband involved! Good luck :)

2070 here, thanks Anonymous! I actually told him exactly how I felt and that I believe my feelings were warranted. I am giving him another shot but I am definitely watching him very closely now. He asked me if I leaving him and I told him "when I feel that enough is enough, I'll let you know" And I will now, I feel strong enough to leave him if I ever have doubts again, but for now things have turned around. Who knows if they will continue this well. I'm keeping my head on straight this time.

2065: im sorry, but you put yourself willingly in the situation time and time again and then when things went too far, you blame him. yes, he should have stopped... but you should have known better the second, third and fourth time around. i mean, come on. crying rape does no good for anyone: did you THINK the "teasing" game is going to lead to a game of monopoly? i don't think that women ever DESERVE or ASK to be "raped"... but I am hesitant to call it that when all you're doing is regretting being a cheating whore.

FYI: you're married. so many people would love to be in a committed, loving relationship, and you abuse it time and time again...

my suggestion to you is admit everything to your husband: that poor guy deserves to have his dignity and that means the ENTIRE truth. the man's wife deserves to know too... you are ruining innocent lives. and if you're going to continue to do this: DIVORCE that poor man.

and for the love of God, stop fucking your friend. it's sickening. if you're gonna play the "teasing game"... play it with your husband.

please...u were raped the first time, boned silly times multiple times and then raped again the last time....yeah. ok. if your brother or a close male friend was with a girl and she told you he "raped" her under those same circumstances you wouldn't buy it either. so please just stop it. your case would be thrown out of court, for good reason, and it should be thrown out of this court of public opinion.

that said, you are a cheater and your husband deserves the truth. tell him.

Love your logic 950. So if I understand you... wives can not be raped? I mean they were "boned silly times multible times" ( and btw ... wtf?) so there's noooo way they could ever be raped by their husbands!!

yes wives can be raped. any woman in any situation can be raped. a woman who whispers no and then willingly submits to being pounded and screaming "yes, yes, YES!" for 3 hours, and then coming back five more times on five more days, technically was still raped. what i'm saying is that in this case, as it was described, there was no rape. it's an attempt to feel better at the astonishing lck of judgment. I mean, look at this chick's reasoning...she doesn't want to tell her husband about the other times because it might harm her "rapist's" family life and they don't deserve that. what the hell ever. ya'll can buy this bull if ya'll want.

No means NO!!!!! I will agree that she did not use the best judgement, but no one deserves to be raped and that is exactly what happened. The minute a woman (or man) says no and/or begins to physically resist a sex act then the forcible continuation of that sex act is rape. 2065's "friend" deserves to rot in jail.

8:03/9:50 (I am asuming you are the same person) people like you are the reason why rape victims are afraid to seek justice and so many rapists get away with their crimes only to rape again. Idiot! From now on why don't you just shut the fuck up and let the smart people talk.

2065 may have been "raped" the first and last times, but note that she says she screwed this guy FOUR OR FIVE times.

Read the confession again. The FIRST and LAST times she told him no. The times in the middle still make her a cheater and that's a fact.

So sure, It's unfortunate that she was raped, but it clearly didn't deal her too much pain because after that she had consensual sex with this man, only to decide later that it was immoral and refuse again.

Here's a good piece of advice. Didn't want it the first time? Don't continue to put yourself in that situation. Feel that you were raped? If the guy comes over again, call the cops or shoot his ass. But be DAMN SURE that you were RAPED and not just trying to make yourself feel better about the horrible horrible mistake you made.

10:50They aren't the reason rape victims are afraid to seek justice. They are merely saying what every person with a brain was thinking. I have all the sympathy in the world for rape victims. I have minimal sympathy for a woman who continues to have consensual sex with an alleged rapist and then tries to use it as a cover-up for her infidelity.

Kate - 10:50 here. I am not a rape victim, a psychologist, or a rape expert. But someone very close to me was raped and I have done tremendous amounts of independent research on the subject in order to help her. I actually am an expert on research since I am a librarian, so I am reasonably sure I have a lot of good information. Most rape victims blame themselves in some way for their violation. 2065 is clearly doing that. I would not be the least bit surprised if she didn't resist in some way during encounter 2 and 3, but may not have actually said no because she was afraid or really confused. I don't know that for sure. I wasn't there. NEITHER WERE YOU. She made some really bad decisions but I think she has suffered enough. The truth is that I just have a hunch based on the things she said. I think she sounds like a person who was sexually victimized as a child or teenager. I actually do have some training in recognizing those signs. Her confession threw up several red flags for me. Once again, I am not sure and I would never send a man to jail on my hunch, but I would be very surprised to discover I am wrong. As a compassionate person I choose to err on the side of caution. I would rather see a cheater get away without her tounge lashing, than take a chance of vilifying a true victim.

8:03/9:50, are you the same vapid bint that was telling abuse victims to "get over it" in our last episode of As TWC Turns? If so, kindly knock it the fuck off unless your own life is one gleaming beacon of perfection. (Hint: It's not, or you wouldn't be here gleefully shitting on strangers.)

2065, I'm betting that something in your past set you up to attract predatory victimizers. Please consider counseling, as it will not get better, and if you have kids... well, let's just call it the gift that keeps on giving.

Also, if this guy falls into a tank of sharks, I'm OK with that. Sharks with frickin' lasers on their heads? Even better.

You know, I have one simple request. And that is to have sharks with frickin' laser beams attached to their heads! Now evidently my cycloptic colleague informs me that that cannot be done. Ah, would you remind me what I pay you people for, honestly? Throw me a bone here!

no means no...of course. but she is saying she said no in a manner that made sex rape. I highly disagree. a married woman who used to sleep around told me once she ALWAYS said no with her lovers because a) she felt guilty each time and b) in her mind she didn't consent so she didn't really do anything wrong. she was technically raped over 15 times by her count. I guess all 15 of those guys should be in jail, especially the guy she blew, climbed on top of and said "no. don't make me do this" just before she put him inside herself and rode him. like I said, the lady in that post was not raped. she's rationalizing.

Lets hear from some of the military people out there shall we? I spent a good long time in base housing and let me tell you this is happening EVERY night on EVERY base all over the word! Sometimes I thought it was a given, that you were going to cheat when your man went away. Surly I had seen and heard all about it. And now, I think she needs to really examine what all happened. Was it rape, was it something that she knew was going to go to far? I don't want to make light of what happened but I think it needs to mentioned about the kind of environment she is living in. She can change a lot of people lives with this. And, she can just change hers, by getting out. I did.

d- 10:50 here. I am sorry you had a bad marriage, but you can't paint everyone with the same brush. You were not there. You don't know exactly what happened any more than I do. Just because your ex-wife did something terrible does not mean this woman did the same thing.

Looks to me like you are projecting. Just because two situations have some similarities does not mean the same thing is happening throughout. My ex-husband screwed around on me when he was out of town on a business trip. Would it be fair of me to call my current boyfriend a cheating bastard every time he drags him self home, exhausted from an out of town conference? It wasn't easy the first few times, but I did eventually learn to trust again. I reccommend you try to do the same.

read my post again 10:50. i've never been married. I was talking about a woman who is married and the stories she would tell me about her infidelity. that said, of course the woman who posted here might have been raped. all I and others are saying is based on the info in her post it's not likely she was raped.

I said if she said no it's technically rape, but few people here would send that guy to jail based on the info in her posts. I for one don't believe she was raped at all and that she is just massaging her guilt..."i really only cheated three times, not five, because two were rape." yeah. ok.

10:23, i'll take a sensitivity course if you take a double block of common sense and reality classes.

8:03 here... and by the way, this is only the second time I have written a comment on here. All the rest are not me, but in fact, another reader with somewhat of the same opinion.

2065: I am a 23 year old woman. I LOVE this site, because it liberates us to write anonymously about things weighing on our minds. However, in "confessing" on this site, you are opening yourself up to opinions. ESPECIALLY since at the end of YOUR post, you asked for suggestions on what to do.

I am hardly a cold hearted bitch. I promise. The only thing I was trying to get across, is that too many women "cry rape" when they wake up the next morning overwhelmed with regret.

My best friend was raped. Brutally. Attacked on her way home, beaten and left to a unknown fate. I've seen the devestation rape causes, firsthand.

I don't know the ins and outs of your situation, and I certainly am not one that would be responsible for a woman not coming forward. A lot of people think like I do, and like a previous comment said... if this was a woman blaming your brother or best friend of "rape", you too would find it ridiculous.

But the bottom line is - it wasn't just those two times. You had sex with him multiple times, according to you, and when a cute little game of "show me yours and i'll show you mine" when too far, the only way you can justify your actions in your mind is by calling it rape.

I hope you find inner peace with all of this, and I can tell you this: playing the blame game does no good.

Tell me this - if the first "rape" devestated you so badly, why in the world would you willingly put yourself in that situation again!??? Hmm.

Man are you people amazing. So sure that it's 2065's fault, are you? First -- reread her post: she NEVER said she was raped. She clearly was, but she doesn't lable it so. You don't know and I don't know why she had sex with him in between the first and last time he raped her; there could be a myrid of reasons and one could be that he raped her on those occasions as well. The bottom line is he did indeed rape her the first time and he kept coming back. As I said, we don't know everything, but we do know this. Please stop judging her so severly. She doesn't deserve this. 12:56- For you to use what is arguably the worst tragedy to hit the United States of America to try to hurt another human being that you have never nor probably ever will meet is beyond idiotic. You just showed your ass in public. How proud are you? Rhetorical question.

no one ever said it was 2065s FAULT. & i guess in overlooking that she never "quoted" rape - that must mean that the "forced me to have sex" she spoke of was merely referencing their wild, awesome, crazy physical relationship? no.

she was clearly implying rape by that statement. that was widely recognized by many in these comments, by those who both agreed and disagreed with her perspective.

2065, no one judges you. NO ONE, no matter what their comments are... they are simply looking at your situation from a very far, far, far off viewpoint - which you clearly expected by posting this confession on the world wide web. you welcome thoughts, opinions and suggestions... so dear, don't take anything written here too personally; only you know what happened, why it happened, and if it will ever happen again.

I tell my husband I don't want to have sex all the time. He rubs my leg and says come on I roll over without say a word and fuck him. Does that make me a rape victim? Just because I said no in the beginning. I personally don't think she was raped because there was no physical aggression. She was in the heat of the moment and said "no wait" and he said "you know you want this" then SHE fucked him end of story.

2064: I was in the same boat. My husband told me the 'truth' two days after we got married. And if he had told me before, I wouldn't have married him. Over the next few months, more lies came out. I married a pathological liar. I married someone who wasn't who or what I thought he was. So, I had no choice: on our four-month wedding anniversary, I filed for an annulment. I refused to spend one more minute with a man who I didn't know was telling the truth or not. Please leave. You can do it.

d - it is 10:50 again. Sorry. I did misread your post. I guess considering how much time you have obviously spent picturing this woman's sex life in your head, as evidenced by your graphic description, I assumed you were closer to the situation than you actually are. I amend my coment. You are not projecting. You are just a jerk.

Karina and 1:47. I am amazed that anyone can fail to understand that not all rapes are as brutal as what youhave described. Not everyone fights back because they are trying to preserve their LIVES. If a man with a gun wants my purse or he will shoot me, I give him my fucking purse. It is not worth dying over. Many women make that same decision about their vaginas, and just because the rapist in question was not armed, does not mean he couldn't have killed her or hurt her terribly. That is why rape is so often impossible to prove. It frequently leaves no more evidence than consentual sex. Some rapists even use condoms. The "your vagina is still in one piecs so shut-up" argument is nothing but pure, mean-spirited ignorance.

I live near a major military base but am not affiliated with the military. I know that at one time adultry was a crime in the Army punishable by jail time and possibly a dishonorable discharge. Even if she can't prove he raped her, her husband can still see to it that he is punished. His wife and child would probably be better off without him anyway.

4:00, all i am trying to get across, is that the way 2065 describes the context of the situation in her confession - there is no way that it is rape. say no once - yes, yes, yes on three different occassions - then no again? it seems that all she is doing is excusing herself and her poor decisions by turning it into a "sexual crime". and just like rape, THAT is wrong, too. this wasn't a stranger, it was her FRIEND... and while friends can still victimize each other, the fact that she put herself into that situation time and time again, EVEN AFTER THE INITIAL "RAPE"... makes it a ridiculous accusation.

If she would have stopped/went to the authorities and been honest with her husband and STAYED honest after the first time, well, that is one thing - but to continue having sex with this guy and then claim that Sessions 1 & 4 were rape - that is just WRONG to me.

"The "your vagina is still in one piecs so shut-up" argument is nothing but pure, mean-spirited ignorance."

^^^ that is not my thinking AT ALL. i know that circumstances are different in every crime. but in THIS instance, and with the details that she has provided, sleeping with this man over and over again and then playing the victim in the wake of her guilt doesn't fly. IN MY OPINION.

WTG 4:00! I hope 2065 will read these and find comfort that a great many of us women are willing to have an open mind (and heart) and realize that there is a lot we don't know about her situation. These other angry women have their own issues that have nothing to do with her. Don't listen to the hate- take care of yourself and be well.

All these allegations of rape are a red herring-- they're clouding the issue. Whether it was actually something the courts would call "rape" or not isn't the issue here.

There are a couple things going on here:

1. The fact that he kept going when you said "no, stop" is wrong. I'm not going to label it as anything more than that-- wrong.

2. However, the fact that it has happened multiple times should say something to you. He doesn't respect you or your marriage.

3. You already know how bad it makes you feel to think about what you've done. I'm not here to make it feel worse. But remember this pain and this guilt, and use it to help yourself make decisions that will make you happy, both now and in the long run.

4. I'm the kind of person who believes in open, honest communication-- I would say that the healthiest thing you can do for your marriage and for your relationship with your husband is to tell him exactly what happened, and let it go from there.

4a. If he does divorce you, that's how it goes-- that would be his choice, and you'd have to live with it. That is a definite possibility here, and while it's not awesome to think about, at least things would be clear. Things get much more uncomfortable when things are hidden from one another.

4b. If it does mess up the other dude's chances in the military, so be it-- he made his decisions, the consequences will follow. It's not your fault if he loses his credibility in the military-- he fucked that up all on his own.

5. If your husband is willing to work through this with you, and you two manage to stick together, you'll likely be stronger than you ever thought possible.

6. If you decide not to tell your husband, which isn't something I'd recommend, for your own sanity and the longevity of your marriage.

7. Above all else, you need to decide for yourself how you feel about what has happened to you (or with you) with the friend-- and if you feel like he's taken advantage of you, you need to take the initiative to break off the friendship. Start by telling him in no uncertain terms that you don't want to have sex with him ever again. Then tell him that you're sorry, you can't be friends with him anymore. Change the locks. Start anew without this person who can't respect your words and your will.

These are just my thoughts on the matter. You asked for suggestions, so here are mine.

4:00, you're right. not all rapes are violent, bruising affairs. however, as you seem unwilling or unable to grasp, not all sexual encounters that begin with the word "no" are rapes, either. the issue is consent. like a woman said here, a wife might say "no. not tonight honey" but she can consent five seconds later without saying another word. is it rape just because she didn't say yes out loud and instead just opened her legs and pulled him inside. is it rape just because her husband ignored her previous "no" and urged her to say yes until she did. what's missing from this all is whether the woman in this post gave consent, even NON-VERBAL constent. in this case, i'm sure she did.

How in the world does D know "this was not forced" when the poster clearly said it was and she was there?! My God you are all knowing, aren't you? Must be nice to see things so clearly when you're not even involved. I thought only God could do that!

I am ex military and can tell you that according to the UCMJ, adultery is a punishable offense as long as there is a confession by the accused and/or photos to prove it was committed or an eye witness. He will be kicked out. Not necessarily dishonorably, but probably general or other than honorable.

I have news for you all: the women at home cheat just as much as the men deployed cheat and vice versa.

It's not that I don't like the idea of the site, it's that when someone asks for advice, the majority of *us* (the anonymous posters) are more interested in bickering amongst ourselves than actually helping the women who do ask for suggestions.

There are exceptions, but not nearly enough to make up for those of us who are just here to piss and moan about everyone else's opinions.

D-10:50/4:00 here. I will conceed that sometimes a woman might change her mind after initially saying no. I don't think for a minute that is what happened here, but I am sure it happens. Now, will you conceed that you weren't there and there is a chance this woman was raped even though you really don't think that is what happened?

Intelligent people do not speak in absolutes without firsthand knowledge. I can admit that I maybe wrong and as I said before, I err on the side of compassion. If I waste my compassion on a cheater then it harms no one. Calling a rape victim a liar and an adutlerer when she has reached out for some kind of support and advice could do a great deal of harm.

Uh, 2063, you annoyed me just reading your comment. Good God, woman. Get some therapy, some friends, a life, and stop clinging to this guy like a life raft. You will just push him further and further away with your whining and begging. You allow him to treat you like shit, and nobody respects that, and it actually makes them hate you more. Stop being so pathetic and pick yourself up and move on with your life. You don't even have to leave him, just pull back and focus on YOU. He will notice a difference, I guarantee it. If you don't do this, you are in for a lot of years of misery.

11:03, well said. in another post, I told a woman with an asshole husband that she shouldn't let his shortcomings allow her to slack off. I said she could keep doing what good wives do. That will either make the husband take notice or allow her to leave with a clean conscience knowing she always gave her best. Men should follow the same advice when their women slack. Focusing on yourself and not nagging daily will show your partner that you have other things going on, that they are missing out on lots of good times with you and, most importantly, they are not the only source of your happiness.

2063: I am sorry but I see absolutely no reason for you to stay with that guy. You deserve better. Everyone does. What do you honestly think you can do to make him nicer to you. Damn, girl! You bought him a motorcycle and kept the gas tank full and he still treats you like shit. He should lovey ou for you even if you never spent a dime on him. My advice is to get him out of your life and then start some counseling so you can gain some self confidence. Only when you learn to be whole all by yourself will you be ready for an equal and loving relationship.

#2061 - it's not that bad, hurts a little but for me that goes away quickly. I like it but still like vaginal best. It's worth a try once, he'll just need to understand that there's the possibility of it never happening again.

#2062 - Thank you, you give me hope. I'm trying to not hate him and it's not working out so well. Some days it's easier to just hate him and not fight it.

#2066I could have written the same thing 10 years ago. We just celebrated our 20th this year and 10 years ago I felt just like you do now. Take my word, nothing will change. I still do all the work, all the parenting, all the housework. The only positive thing about staying together is that my kids don't have to live in a broken home. My best kept secret is that I do not plan on living my entire life with him. My own best kept secret shared by a few others. Good luck and make the right decision.

3:03 Honey, life isn't like a movie all the time. Yes, there are times my husband wants sex and I don't. Then I am reminded that his needs are different than mine. He doesn't ridicule me or whine about it. Grow up. Every time a couple has sex rose pedals and candles aren't involved. -1:47

ps - 2065 - were you actually FORCED the first and last time? Or did it go further than you had expected, and you now regret it? I didn't get from your post that you were raped...I understood your writing to mean you only initially wanted to play the "teasing" game (your husband apparently wouldn't consider messing around the same as cheating...?) and it turned into more than you'd planned on.