Democracy canceled from 2018 onward because Theresa May might lose

Democracy is to be canceled from 2018 onward because there is a good chance the Conservatives will lose, it has been announced.

Surrounded by police officers in riot gear to keep the proles at arms length, the Prime Minister said: “Democracy is merely Parliamentary convention, and as Prime Minister I am under no legal obligation to continue with the archaic formalities of the UK’s inefficient parliamentary system.”

“The people have made it very clear, not only in the Brexit referendum but also in the last two general elections, that they do not wish to see the continuation of parliamentary democracy in Britain. The will of the people must be respected above all else, irrespective of what the enemies of the people may say.”

“Also, if MPs or the people are allowed to vote again, I will probably lose.”

“According to the clear wishes of the people as expressed during the country’s last ever election, Parliament will remain dissolved and I will rule Britain with my strong and stable cabinet of millionaires. Never has a cabinet been assembled with such hatred for the poor and vulnerable.”

“Some of my opponents claim I am conducting a coup by salami slicing our democracy, but I can assure you there is already a strong historical precedent for what I am doing.”

“The Long Parliament of 1640 to 1660 sat for twenty years without a single King’s speech, and I see no legal reason why I cannot do the same now, just without any of the opposition parties.”