Trying to cope with TTC and all of life's other trials... "Have you had your meds today?" Pvb. 17:22

"Cheer up. Remember what the Monty Python boys say.""Always look on the bright side of life?""No, 'Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition.'"

Monday, December 29, 2008

Does Saying it Out Loud Send it to God's Ears?

I received a beautiful email from a friend that actually put my mind at ease that DH and I are really making the right move forward. I was soothed by her words and what she said really made me feel, well, hugged.

I know I have lurkers and people that read my blog that I don’t know about, or am not supposed to know about. I was remiss at first to post anything that could give insight to our future leaning. I think that I am being unfair to myself by worrying what others may think so here goes. I need to share this because I need to know that there are others out there that silently or verbally support us.

DH and I are in the depth of contemplation. We know that a biological child will be very hard to conceive so we are contemplating whether we should become a living cliché. Adopt and then you will get pregnant.

Between the funeral services and Christmas, DH and I became aware of a 2 yr old that will be available for ado.pt.ion in a short period of time (several months). He is Caucasian and, well, that is a big deal to us. It is hard enough adopting but harder still trying to adapt to parenting and learning a brand new culture at the same time. Frankly, we are just not up for that. Some people are blessed with the gift of being able to do both but we are not part of that group.

Anyway, DH came to me and asked if I was interested in trying to adopt this beautiful little boy. He said that he wanted to be a parent not just a parent to a baby. My heart was full. A relative of DH knows him and his family just wants him to go to a home that will love him. I think we can manage that one just fine. There is the possibility of a sibling, too, but right now I just want to focus on the boy. DH and I think that it would be best for a closed ado.pt.ion and we will send his grandparents updates and pictures through the fos.ter/ad.op.tio.n agency. It would be in his best interest

As an adoptee, I know how he will feel, how he could think, and what he will need. It is funny for me to see so many bitter, angry and spiteful some adult adoptees have become as they age. My FILs sister is one of them. Her anger and resent is astounding.

I want him to know about his birthparents, no matter how he ended up in foster care. He needs to know that she is not an evil person but flawed like everyone else.

I used to wonder as a teenager if my life would have been better if my mom would have kept me. I can’t say that it would. I would have been a constant reminder to her and dad of a painful experience. I may have even been resented for being in their lives at the time. I don’t know if it would have been like that but I do know that I love the relationship we have as adults. My only regret for my life was not growing up with my sisters. That is the part I think was the hardest. That is why I would be open to getting the sibling of the child (baring no major ill effects from being birthed to an addict).

I don’t want to stop trying for a biological child but this is something that I can control (in an incontrollable way). It isn’t waiting to see if the sperm met egg or if the embryo implanted. At some point we would end up with a child (I hope). And I really think that if we wait, age will be a factor.

I want to enjoy a child while I still have the energy. Better yet, I want to enjoy a child while my in laws still have energy.

I have contacted an agency for fos.ter/ado.pt.ion agency (run by a friend) and we will go from there. So, for those of you who pray, pray we are being led in the right direction. For those who don’t have a certain faith, just said good wishes and karma boosters. I may even rub a Buddha belly for good measure, who knows… :o)

You are in my prayers! I totally understand your apprehension regarding a toddler, as we are trying as well to get ourselves to a place where "baby" is less important than "child of our own" that we can raise. It must be scary and overwhelming and lovely to think you could have a child of your very own soon!

I am not sure why you would be worried about a caucasian baby, though... is he from a country with a distinct culture like Romania? Because most Caucasians have no real culture outside the regular old North American one, at least from my own experience! =)

About Me

Cliff Notes of Me

1975 - The world was graced with my presence ~ Four days later I went home with my new mommy and daddy

1985 - I finally realized what adoption really meant.

1995 - In July, I found my biological mother and family. 2000 - I married my 'matching bookend'

2003 - My infertility journey began

Present Day - I am still close with all my family and I am truly blessed

Our Journey

July '98 - DH and I met for the first time

July '99 - DH and I move in together ~ and get engaged

May '00 - Married w/ mandated 3 year wait on baby ~ The only b/c used counting and CM checks

April '01 - I see the PCP, I can't stop gaining weight. I diet, eat right, nothing helps. I am healthy, stop worrying about it. I see the OB and question my long cycles, weight gain, facial hair. First love wand u/s; nothing. The doc says I am healthy, stop worrying.

June '02 - I again question the doc about my long cycles, missing periods, the 85 lbs. of extra weight in 4 years with a healthier diet. Why don't we need b/c? I am healthy, stop worrying

Aug '02 - I get the name of an OB from a friend ~ My hero. I ask about the weight gain, lack of periods, heavy periods, facial hair and why am I not pregnant we are careless not careful ~ PCOS, Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. Blood work to confirmed it, he Dx'd me in 3 minutes. I fall in love with my OB/GYN. :o) Metformin, chart for 4 months, come back. TTC officially begins.

March '03 - Ovulation? lol Clomid for the first time ~ 50 mg.

May '03 - 100 mg of Clomid - DH has really good s/a

June '03- 100 mg of Clomid, Metformin sucks, I become close friends w/ my toilet. Lose weight because that will help TTC. Try for a year; if no BFP, come back.

Aug '03 - Bad accident, 6 months to even have a bad sex life.

May '05 - Still struggling financially from the accident, I give up TTC. The heartbreak it is too much for me, No b/c

Feb '06 - My mother dies suddenly, the pain of her never being a grandmother is too much to handle, life is a bit out of control. I start therapy several months later

May '06 - Charting again, my PCP puts me on Actos for the PCOS and Welbutrin for depression.

Oct '06 - Go to Dr. Wonderful and w/ a plan. I am beyond his expertise; need to see a RE, PCOS specialty. I find WebMD and start learning more than I ever wanted to know about TTC and reproduction.

Nov '06 - I see the RE for the first time and like him a lot. Scheduled for my first major test, give more blood... PCOS

Jan '07 - HSG all clear, no blockage slight endo, normal range

Feb '07 - 100 mg Clomid - nothing

March '07 - 150 mg Clomid - O!

May '07 - 150 mg Clomid - O! - IUI #1 BFN

June '07 - 150 Clomid - O! S/A redone, not good, no IUI

Nov'07 - 150 mg Clomid - O! - IUI #2 BFN

Dec '07 - DH has u/s and b/w... u/s clear, no issues

Jan '08 - S/A comes back worse, low testosterone ~ 25 mg of Clomid fix the problem, hopefully. Go back in 3 months for another s/a... TAB until May 2008, no prevention.

April '08 - BFP for two days, chemical preganncy after 100 day cycle. This sucked.

May '08 - Clomid Cycle with timed BDing - BFN

June '08 - S/A improved Clomid working great but Arimidex has been added. Clomid Cycle, timed BDing. RE visit on June 26.

July - Sept '08 - RE says two medicated cycles, it no BFP, then the third IUI will be scheduled. Please, Lord, let it work.