anxiety & depression

It’s been a really weird couple weeks with me and as promised on my Instagram account; I’m going to explain and give you guys a little heart to heart about how I am dealing with said weeks.

Before I begin; let’s just put a wee little disclaimer that my views and thoughts on counseling and anti-depressants are that of my own. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion and those expressed are mine. I appreciate your understanding.

First off; yes. I have anxiety and depression. I have known of it’s existence in my life for the last 8 years and it has taken me through some really crazy rides mentally and physically. As to what significant event caused my anxiety and/or depression…I’m unsure. Between family issues, sexual assaults, living with PCOS, and a prior lack of self confidence and worth; it’s hard to really pinpoint what triggered it into existence. I just remember feeling a sense of relief when my doctor confirmed that it was a mental illness.

When I was first diagnosed, my anxiety attacks were at an all time high. I remember coming home crying because I despised the way I looked or I was getting so easily overwhelmed by family issues or my grades at school would drop to a B. I would cry so hard that I would hyperventilate and there were days where I would bang my head against a wall for hours hoping to knock myself unconscious or do enough damage to remove myself from the situation. The worst part is that I never documented how or what triggered these attacks…so it took me years to really track down what causes me to flip that switch from ok/happy to down/depressed/severely upset.

Recently, I have been paying a bit more attention to what triggers me. Implied or visual rape scenes in movies throw me into hyperventilation, large crowds make me nauseous or very clingy to the person I’m with, trying on clothes is a horrifying experience that causes me to cry 90% of the time, and so on.

With my depression…there really isn’t a trigger for it. Lately, I have been experiencing some really awesome highs and excitement with getting into a university, the YouTube channel, and singing on the side. But then I’ll be in my car or I’ll be laying in bed and I suddenly feel like I’m worthless or I am doing everything wrong. I start to get really emotional and this heavy weight enters my chest and I’ll end up crying for 2 hours or until I fall asleep.

In the last two weeks, I have experienced this sort of depression a total of 7 times.

Normally when you get diagnosed for anxiety and depression, your doctor suggests a few things to help maintain or “treat” your symptoms. My doctor had given me three suggestions; antidepressants, counseling/therapy, or self-care.

When it came to antidepressants; I was very stern about not touching them. At first, my fear was becoming addicted and not being able to function without their help. I also at some point had this negative stigma towards antidepressants because of how they were portrayed to zombify you and were farmed out to everyone. Keep in mind, my views today are much different. I’ve seen antidepressants work wonders for many folks and not so great for others; I’m really using this as a last resort if I don’t see any progress with my depression and frequency of anxiety attacks.

With counseling and therapy…my biggest fear is talking about what makes me anxious or sad with someone who I’m unfamiliar with. I’ve heard people say that talking to an unbiased and neutral person helps because they’re more honest with you and will give you better results as to finding out your triggers and where your frustration stems from. This still scares me having to recollect everything that has happened but thinking about it more and more, this is probably my next step.

And finally…my adventures with self-care. This is where I am experienced; your girl has tried 101 different ways to keep herself sane and let me tell you what. I have a pretty good system going on. When I first delved into self-care, I fell heavily into relying on distractions. I would play video games until wee hours of the morning or sleep all day. Let me just say that it was not the healthiest way to live life but it worked at that time. Nowadays, I have found myself writing down what I’m feeling or being more vocal to my family or Anthony about what is going through my head. I still play video games to distract myself though not as much, but I also read or take some time to myself at a local cafe and work on things that make me like myself more like the website or the YouTube channel.

To be honest…I’m not too sure if I am handling it in a healthy manner or not. There are days where I feel like I am doing the best I can and I keep it moving and provide myself care as needed, but there are days where I let it all come crashing down and I cry because I’m depressed and I cry because I feel like a failure because I’m depressed. It’s the epitome of an emotional roller coaster and I’m not too sure if I’m providing the best advice on how to handle it all.

At the end of the day; everyone handles themselves differently and every single person who has anxiety and/or depression and unique triggers. You may have a positive experience with anti-depressants or you feel comfortable talking to a counselor. The best advice I can give is to really evaluate what causes you to breakdown – what occurred immediately before your anxiety attack – and so on. Once you are able to do that, find an outlet. Write down anything and everything, talk to someone, something to give you some sort of release. I can’t guarantee that everything will be solved or you’ll be magically healed…but I hope it provides you some sort of relief.

I know this was a rather long post, but I felt it SO MUCH in my heart and I hope it helps you or someone you know. In terms of care, medication and so on; if you have any suggestions and recommendations, please leave a comment down below! Also, if there is any discussion, please understand that I want this to be a safe place. All comments have to be approved by me, so I hope you all will be kind and courteous to one another! Thank you all so much for reading this and I hope you have an amazing week ahead of you.

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2 thoughts on “anxiety & depression”

Thank you for sharing and being so transparent. Because I’m in the service they have not quit given me a diagnosis of this but I know what I suffer with. I looked so forward to this post. I’m still on a journey of self care but just reading that I am not alone and “crazy” for going through and feeling how I do Is relief in itself. So Thank you! I am so proud of you! Keep sharing, and keep shining Girl! You are Awesome!!! Love you!

Awwwww you’re making me tear up :’) You are definitely not alone and I honestly hope you find some sort of self-care that works best for you 💕 I love you too dear and I really truly hope for the best for you even though we haven’t seen each other in so long! Take Care & Thanks for reading 🙏🏻💝