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Thursday, October 14, 2010

Let's face it, comic books are a pretty masculine medium, where musclebound men fight other musclebound men while in tights. But there are a select few who go over and beyond the masculinity by virtue of having a name so undeniably badass and manly that it puts hair on your chest just saying them. So who owns the manliest names in the comic book multiverse? I ranked them so you won't have to!

5. Flex Mentallo

Our top 5 manliest name tells you all you need to know about this crazy character. Possibly created in a ganja-induced dream by Grant Morrison, Flex Mentallo appeared in a couple of Doom Patrol issues before starring in his own miniseries in 1996. There he went about doing normal heroic things, like disarming time bombs just by flexing his muscles. When was the last time you did anything productive by flexing your pecs? That's what I thought.

4. Moses Magnum

Now that's a man's name! A name so manly only a soul brother could contain the manliness oozing from it. Not even the humiliation of a pop-collared one-piece white leotard can tarnish a name that could beat you up on its own.

Moses Magnum was a supervillain who often used his earth-shaking powers going up against Spider-Man, the X-Men and the Avengers. While I could make lame jokes about him making girls' knees quake, by the time I've decided not to he's already bedded a good number of women using the kind of clout that a name which sounds like some heavy duty prophylactic brand can buy.

3. Captain Fight

If you found yourself in a bar fight in some shady port, you best chance for survival is to avoid the guy named Captain Fight. The dude sounds like he gains a rank every time he gets into a good scrap. Do you want to be the one who makes him a Brigadier General?

Captain Fight was introduced in the aptly but not eponymous-ly named Fight Comics #44 in the 1940's. Known first as Jeff Crockett, he decided he needed a badass name for when he's sailing the rough seas. From then on he was called Captain Fight, a man who wouldn't think twice about diving shirtless in the sea to stab a shark in the face.

2. Axeman Bone

Axeman Bone. Damn, that's the kind of name that gets you in fights just for being named that way! I mean seriously, how awesome would you be as a kid if you were named Axeman Bone?

But it wasn't always easy for the guy with the second manliest name in comics. Axeman Bone was born in the planet Sakaar, and a member of the Sakaarian Imperial race. As an Imperial, he was deemed so dangerous that the then-Emperor of Sakaar was considered one of his fiercest rivals. Oh, and that was before he was old enough to crawl.

Axeman Bone soon made a name for himself as a barbarian warlord in the shattered world of Sakaar after Green Scar (aka the Hulk) left the planet, and even traded blows with the Hulk's son Skaar. Though Skaar may have won that match, his name could never even hope to match the awesomeness of a name like Axeman Bone.

1. Hard Master

It's said that a winning brand name requires no explanation and no introduction, relying only on it's own strength. Yes, I'm using what little I learned studying Advertising Arts to explain why this guy has the manliest name in comics. Because just reading this man's name feels like a punch from a stainless steel fist.

Hard Master appeared in G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero #26 as the head of the Arashikage clan, where he trained people to become the best ninjas ever. Two of his prized students are some of the most popular ninjas in popular media: Storm Shadow and Snake Eyes. That's evidence enough that he's one badass dude worthy of the name. And while his untimely demise meant no more stories featuring a crazy old ninja dude with a name like Hard Master, his legacy lives on because he's got the manliest name in comics ever.

There you have it, the five manliest names in comics. The testosterone in this post is off the charts! Like the list? Know of any more manly comic book names/codenames? Hit me up with comments and let's talk about it! Thanks for reading!

Be the grains of sand, and nothing but time will take you. The rocks must become it, the waves and wind must bear it and those who would hold it find it slips through their grasp. Always some trace in a faraway nook, if never the whole is seen again.