It got me thinking about sex. There’s a quote in the Red Dwarf Novel ‘Backwards’ where Kryten attempts to understand how humans reproduce. ‘He understood that, in order to reproduce, humans sought each other out, got naked and jiggled up and down on top of each other until various ucky fluids had been secreted. Well, fine. It seemed to him a particularly messy process, but there: humans were stuck with it, the poor beggers. What was truly baffling was the amount of physical and mental energy the species appeared to devote to the pursuit of this sticky jiggling. Most of their songs seemed to be connected to it in some way. It cropped up in almost all of their books and magazines. He couldn’t help thinking that if, heaven forbid, he himself had been afflicted with these irrational urges, then at the very least he’d have the good taste to keep quiet about it.’

Let’s consider the mechanics of sex. Parts of the body, which are in no way pretty to look at, whose main function is to excrete waste from the body, are linked together. This linking involves the violent cramming of a penis into a vagina. Then there is some jiggling and then, as Kryten so aptly put it, various ucky fluids are secreted. That’s pretty disgusting.

Then there’s the many uses of sex. Yes, there is the one where a sticky, smelly, crying life form is created but there are many other uses. For example, the use of sex by soldiers to reinforce their victory by raping the women (and sometimes men) of a conquered nation. The use of sex to control people, to humiliate them, to silence them. Sex used as a way of ‘correcting’ sexualities. Sex as a weapon. That’s pretty disgusting.

Sex between people who will forget the name of their partner by the next morning. I think that’s disgusting. I mean, you wouldn’t let a stranger spit in your mouth. Yet, on a night out people will swap saliva with people they don’t know and not even remember doing it the morning after.

The only thing that makes sex worth doing is when you’re doing it with someone you actually love, someone you care about. If we’re going to attempt to get rid of sexualities based on how disgusting the sex is then we should get rid of all sexualities. All sex should be banned, it’s all too disgusting. Reproduction should be done through IVF, lets be honest, it’s far more efficient anyway, especially if we can get rid of the implanting it into a woman stage. That bit is pretty disgusting anyway. Let’s mix all the ucky fluids together in a test tube and put the mixture in a maturation chamber like the borg used.

This way we can keep the children inside the chambers until they’re past the pretty disgusting stages of development and just download all the useful information into their heads which is a far more efficient way of teaching children anyway.

So yes, ex-gay people, gay sex is pretty disgusting, but then so is straight sex but I bet you enjoy doing that. Here’s an idea, if you don’t like thinking about gay sex, don’t think about it. Don’t think about sex at all…it might just put you off doing it.