Miss manners.

How Sweet The Smell Of Success: It's No One's Business.

April 21, 1993|By Judith Martin.

Dear Miss Manners-I was wearing some particularly expensive cologne, and a friend who is not very well-to-do complimented me on it and asked its name. When I replied, she remarked, "Oh, that's expensive."

I was tempted to reply, "Oh, it's not that expensive," in order to not make her feel bad that she couldn't afford it, but then I realized that it would sound as if money meant nothing to me. So I foolishly replied, "Yes, it is," and then wanted to bite my tongue. How would you have handled the situation?

Gentle Reader-By asking, "Is it."

Miss Manners has omitted the question mark here, because the voice should not rise interrogatively. Properly pronounced, it should have the same effect as politely saying, "I don't find this a proper subject for discussion."

For dogged questioners, it also has the advantage of suggesting that no lady needs to interest herself in the price of perfume because 1) she always receives it as a present, or 2) she got it at a discount. Which this is, Miss Manners would not dream of saying.

Dear Miss Manners-I invited a colleague to a really nice event, a private performance of the symphony, several weeks beforehand. He responded by saying that he would go with me if his schedule permitted. I gave him my phone number, and we agreed that he would call when he knew his schedule for that week.

Well, the concert has come and gone, and I never heard from him. Tempted as I am to label him a complete boor, I would like to assume that he has some valid reason for not so much as uttering his regrets. Nonetheless, this complete lack of acknowledgment has me puzzled.

At what point would it have been appropriate to invite another guest? Three hours before the concert? One day? One week?

I will soon return to his work location after several months working elsewhere. I do not wish to be rude or unprofessional, but neither do I wish to minimize the situation with "It was no big deal." After all, it was a big deal.

Gentle Reader-It certainly was. Miss Manners is more often in the position of calming down the overly snippy, rather than revving up the overly tolerant, but totally ignoring an invitation is about as rude as you can get without hitting someone.

There was no valid reason for him to string you along. Had his schedule shown another engagement, he could have called you immediately. Had an emergency arisen that very minute-had his mother been on Call Waiting, to tell him that she had just been run over and required him to take her to the hospital-he could have found someone to inform you, or called with apologies after he had turned her over to a doctor.

The point at which you could have invited another person to the concert was the one in which your colleague claimed not to know his schedule, without volunteering to call you back that very day. "Oh, well, then, perhaps I'd better catch you at another time" would have been the polite response.