I am reasonably attractive, and still trying to recover from my divorce
of a year ago. I have a little boy, age 4. Since I donıt have much in common
anymore with most of my married friends, I have led quite an isolated
existence this past year. I just donıt feel right about myself.

Last Sunday I visited a church singles group. I felt very awkward and
out of place. There were a lot of people there, well over 100, Iıd say. Out
of all that large crowd, only three people made an effort to be friendly
to me. One was a man old enough to be my father. There were some really weird
characters in the group too. Iıve heard that this group has an inside
clique and you are nowhere unless you belong to it. There was an inspiring
program that Sunday and I really liked the lesson. I t was certainly
convenient to be able to have my son go into the Sunday School and not to have
to worry about him. He liked it so much that he is begging me to let him
go again. I did see some attractive men there; but none of them showed any
interest in me. Overall, the group didnıt do very much for me. I was very
disappointed. I thought that a church group would be friendlier than this one
was.

PSYCHOTHERAPISTS COMMENTS

Stephanie has visited a singles group sponsored by one of the larger big
city churches. Though on the surface it appears that Stephanie had a
disappointing experience with this organization, these groups are worthy
of consideration by singles of both sexes. Many of the groups do not have a
typical Sunday School atmosphere (Yet some do.) Instead they put a heavy
emphasis upon socializing and activities. You usually donıt have to be of a
particular faith or become a member of the church to participate in the
group.

To understand more about these organizations, lets look at Stephanieıs
situation. she is making two of the most common mistakes of those checking out
a church singles group. Her first misconception is assuming that because this
is a church group, she should be warmly welcomed and catered to. Most of these
groups are simply too large for the regular members to get around to welcoming
every guest. Also, many of the people there are visitors looking for the same
things she is.

Stephanie would get more out of the group if she were more assertive and
friendly and extended herself to people instead of waiting for them to come to
her. She seems to expect it all to be handed to her, and, as we know, life
simple does not work that way. The second mistake made by Stephanie is judging
the organization on the basis of only one visit. To get a feel for what the
group is really all about, She should attend the main Sunday functions at
least three times, go to at least two of the groups parties and one outing.
There is much more to these groups than what goes on at their Sunday meeting.
The organizations parties, after Church lunches and outings,
provide a much more informal atmosphere where it is easier to get to know
people.

It would also be a good idea for her to visit other Church singles groups
to see which one fits her best. The more Stephanie fellowships with good
people to enjoy herself, the quicker she will get her life back together and
heal from the trauma of her divorce; and the better mother she will be
since a child always does better when their parent feels good about
her/himself. A church singles group can be one of many excellent choices for
Stephanie to get started on all of this. For instance, the group can be ideal
for her to cultivate new women friends. Right now she needs the
companionship of other women even more than she needs the right guy in her
life. Even though many of the churches sponsoring singles groups do not
emphasize Church attendance, it could be very helpful to Paula, while she is
on the premises, to join others of the group to attend church
services where she can get inspired, nurture her faith, and likely pick up
some superb insights into coping with these tough times she is struggling
with. At first glance, the church singles group do seem to have some serious
disadvantages such as the weird characters² Paula mentioned. However, she
will have to get used to the reality that there are always some weird
characters at almost any singles gathering whether it be church organization
or singles bar. Actually, when you get to know them some of the weird
characters² turn out to be stimulating and worthwhile personalities.
Though some of them may ocassionaly become a nuisance.

Yet, part of becoming a mature woman is learning how to diplomatically turn
away an undesirable man. If Stephanie will steadily involves herself more in
the group, the chances are excellent that she will meet the types of men that
she is looking for. One of the great advantages of a church singles
organization is that many eligible men and women pass through these groups.
And if Stephanie has herself established there, perhaps as an officer or
greeter, she will meet that neat guy who is new in town and visits the
group a time or two.

Stephanie is turned off by the group having an inside clique. However,
cliques will form in almost any organization of human beings. Yet, there
is still plenty of room in the group for newcomers like Stephanie if she
will give the organization a chance. Even if she is not up to investing very
much of herself in a church singles organization and only attends
occasionally, this can be better than her and her son staying home all day
Sunday and missing out on spiritual enrichment. Getting out to be with
people and worship the creator is good therapy for Stephanie right now. The
church singles group is one of the great blessings for single persons living
in large metropolitan areas. These groups have something for almost every
single individual. Many singles could improve things for themselves by
adding one of these groups to their list of places to be involved. Check
it out!

Neill Scott, LMSW-ACPNeill Scott is an experienced Licensed Master Social
Worker/Psychotherapist who works extensively with singles. He offers
his services to the Christian Community. He is a committed Christian and
an active member of Gloria Dei Lutheran Church in Houston, Texas. For
other articles and helpful information, please check out his web site
at: http://ve.net/relationships/

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