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Day 41 – Yesod of Yesod: Bonding in BondingEvery person needs and has the capacity to bond with other people, with significant undertakings and with meaningful experiences. Do I have difficulty bonding? Is the difficulty in all areas or only in certain ones? Do I bond easily with my job, but have trouble bonding with people? Or vice versa? Examine the reasons for not bonding. Is it because I am too critical and find fault in everything as an excuse for not bonding? Am I too locked in my own ways?
Is my not bonding a result of discomfort with vulnerability? Have I been hurt in my past bonding experiences? Has my trust been abused? Is my fear of bonding a result of the deficient bonding I experienced as a child?
To cultivate your capacity to bond, even if you have valid reasons to distrust, you must remember that G-d gave you a Divine soul that is nurturing and loving and you must learn to recognize the voice within, which will allow you to experience other people’s souls and hearts. Then you can slowly drop your defenses when you recognize someone or something you can truly trust.
One additional point: Bonding breeds bonding. When you bond in one area of your life, it helps you bond in other areas.Exercise for the day: Begin bonding with a new person or experience you love by committing designated time each day or week to spend together constructively.

There have been times when I’ve been way too trusting and open, especially in the work place, where I have had trust broken. Too many times, friendships that I thought I had cultivated only went to the perimeter of the job itself and did not extend beyond the confines of those walls. This has not always been the case, but those are rare exceptions.

I wish it were otherwise. There are many who I’ve crossed paths with that I wish were still in my life, but…they aren’t for any number of reasons. Many times I only had the shared experience of the job to “bond” us. Once I left, that bond was no longer a real bridge.

I have cultivated some very deep and meaningful relationships (bonding) over the years. I cherish these, and I know what I’m going through right now pains them as they see me in pain, struggling. They need to know, and I feel I tell them, how much their support and care means to me, even when I can’t express it, or my head is buried so deep underground that I can’t see beyond the blech in front of me.

In reading the passage from Counting the Omer, I did have a deficiency as a child: I was a bit of an outcast, not well liked and not having many friends. I would wind up with one friend at a time, if that. I spent most of my time alone in my room as I got into the older grades. It wasn’t until we moved to Westchester NY and I entered a new HS that things began to change. It was there that I gained the friends that are still a part of my life now, and the few from my early college years.

I hope you cultivate the bonds you already have, strengthening them as you can. I hope you find new ones as you go along, and open your heart to others, as they should do to you.

I have been blessed with friends, actual true friends, not just acquaintances (which we all have, and are there at times, but not for the long haul). I wish and pray for them all the good things that they need in their lives. I hope that I’ve lived up to my end more times than not. It is easy to get lost in your own miasmas of problems.

Here’s to good friends.

Day 38 – Tiferet of Yesod: Compassion in Bonding

Bonding needs to be not only loving but also compassionate, feeling your friend’s pain and empathizing with him. Is my bonding conditional? Do I withdraw when I am uncomfortable with my friend’s troubles?

Exercise for the day: Offer help and support in dealing with an ordeal of someone with whom you have bonded.

From Dictionary.com, Selah: “an expression occurring frequently in the [Hebrew] Psalms, thought to be a liturgical or musical direction, probably a direction by the leader to raise the voice or perhaps an indication of a pause.”

“Thought to be” is key, in that it is uncertain (Merriam-Webster), or in grand Wikipedia style, “a difficult concept to translate.” This Psalms was another piece give to me by Rabbi Pam, in that there are 49 words or phrases, if you count from section 2 on, that match the Counting of the Omer, the days between Passover and Shavu’ot.

So…Selah. An indication of a pause. There has been that indication in my life, a pause, as I move from one aspect of what was a constant in my life to this next phase, this new section to be entered. What it is, I’m just not sure, nor where it will take me, nor will there still be other phases to come. It is difficult to translate, and things are uncertain.

I just don’t like, nor understand, why “…the ends of the earth fear Him.” That is not what I see in all this. There is too much fear already.

Anyways…

Early on in my writing of this blog, I was given the Inspiring Blog Award as well as an award I just received again (from someone else entirely), the Leibster Blog Award. This time I have been honored by Julia Neiman, who writes the blog Transform For Life. As Julia writes, she sees this as “the Liebster Award, to my way of thinking, is about loving your blog and it being a favorite. The German word Liebs means love or of love and the word liebste, again in German, means favorite. So to my nominees, I love your blogs and they are among my favorites.” So, again, thank you Julia.

If you are aware of any of these blog awards, they usually come with a set of “rules” to follow. In this case, the rules are:

When you are nominated for the award:

You post eleven random facts about yourself

You answer eleven questions from the person who nominated you, and

Then you pass the award onto eleven other blogs (making sure that you tell them you nominated them) and ask them eleven questions.

Eleven random facts about myself:

I loved spending almost two weeks in Paris, way too long ago; My friends mean the world to me; I found love when I wasn’t looking for it; I enjoy the tv show “Too Cute”; Word games are a passion; So is reading; I believe there is life out in the universe other than ourselves; that if we could live the lyrics to Imagine we’d be in a better place; I like DC comics more than Marvel, but have enjoyed the Marvel movies; I own a concertina; and music is an important part of my make up.

Julia’s 11 questions:

1. Are you a new entrepreneur or have you been in business for awhile? I used to have my own theater company, The Brothers Grinn. I founded it and ran it for 12 years.

2. What is your biggest blogging challenge? Not censoring myself.

3. What is one goal for your blog? To help me find myself, reinvent as needed, and if it helps others, then that is a good thing.

4. If money were no object, what would you do all day long? I’d travel, first; then most likely write. Volunteer telling stories at children’s wards.

5. Who is your ideal customer/client? I don’t have any right now: when performing, adults are preferred right now.

6. What social media sites are you on aside from Facebook? LinkedIn, Goodreads, Twitter, a few others.

7. What is stronger for you, your dream or your doubts? Depends on the day: I’d rather my dreams carried me along.

8. What services does your business offer? Right now, storytelling and Theater Arts workshops (when I freelance)

9. Do you have a business coach? Nope

10. What makes you happiest about your business? Freedom

11. What is your biggest guilty pleasure? “Too Cute” (see above)

So…I will have to think about the 11 I would pass this onto, as well as 11 different questions.

Exercise for the day: When you awake, acknowledge G-d for giving you a soul with the extraordinary power and versatility to endure despite trying challenges. This will allow you to draw energy and strength for the entire day.

Everyone has willpower and determination. We have the capacity to endure much more than we can imagine, and to prevail under the most trying of circumstances. Ask yourself: Is my behavior erratic? Am I inconsistent and unreliable? Since I have will and determination, why am I so mercurial? Am I afraid of accessing my endurance and committing? Do I fear being trapped by my commitment? If yes, why? Is it a reaction to some past trauma? Instead of cultivating endurance in healthy areas, have I developed a capacity for endurance of unhealthy experiences? Do I endure more pain than pleasure? Do I underestimate my capacity to endure?

Exercise for the day: Commit yourself to developing a new good habit.

I related, in the previous post, the Counting of the Omer, the days between Passover and Shavu’ot, that Rabbi Pam offered to me. She also gave me Psalms Chapter 67, which has been broken into 49 sections to contemplate during this time period: the 25th “section” is “…the peoples..”. And, in a final paper, from Ethics of the Sages, “Torah is acquired through 48 qualifications, the 25th is “recognizing one’s place.”

All of this has meaning for me today: I do underestimate my capacity to endure, as these have been trying times. I struggle to keep my head afloat and not get bogged down in things. With “the peoples” and “recognizing one’s place”, this all swirled together today.

I was in a fast food restaurant, one that long ago stopped being about speed of service but retaining the moniker. What most people still accept as “fast” nowadays has an entirely different meaning then when the term first sprang up. The lines were long inside and at the drive through, being prime lunch time rush.

Only three registers were open: a manager on one end, an employee who had been there for awhile (so I found out), and the line I was on in the middle. This server was slower, unsure of herself, and not being efficient in her putting together orders. It was obvious, but it was not done with attitude or deliberateness: if you’ve ever worked a food service counter, a long line at peak hour, especially when you are fairly new, can be quite daunting and nerve racking. I’ve been there as both hourly employee and manager: I know.

The woman in front of me was verbally insulting about our counter person, before she even got to place her order. Loud enough to be heard by friends on the line over, and certainly loud enough to be heard by the worker. When she finally got to place her order, it was full of special requests, and yes, she was confusing in her ordering. The order taker tried to read it back to her, only to be interrupted by the woman ordering. Then she lambasted her to her face, then turned around to her friend and semi shouted about how bad the girl was.

Behind me, another woman was sighing and moaning about how slow the girl was, how this wasn’t “fast” food. She did it a few times in my ear, which I assumed she was looking for a reaction. I turned and said that the woman ordering was placing four special orders and was confusing. The woman behind me said “well, I’m sure it’s the girl’s fault.”

When it was my turn to order, you could see the mixed feelings of the server. She was hurt, angry, annoyed…it was all over her face, in her eyes. I was torn between saying something to her (in some ways, to forget these impatient people and their ugly manners) and just getting out. Her manager obviously overheard the other woman, but it was too busy to do anything as she had her own line to deal with.

I thanked the girl when I got my own food, but said nothing. The woman behind me? She placed a special order as well, and wasn’t clear on what she wanted (asking for lemonade when she wanted was a frozen fruit lemonade: I heard her order. The woman was in the wrong). Of course, she went huffy with the server as I was leaving. I am sorry I did not take the minute to say something to the manager. I plan to go in tomorrow at a non busy period and say a word to whatever manager is on duty.

Enduring hostility when it is misplaced seems to be a theme today. In listening to NPR earlier today, there were reports from Muslim leaders who spoke about reactions they received over the bombing in Boston. Hate messages, a Muslim mother with a baby carriage being assaulted, and more, because of an assumption that all of one race, color, creed, gender-whatever-is as guilty as a whole.

I guess, in recognizing my place, it is that I should speak out against injustice, no matter what the backlash could be. We the people…something is lost in today’s world.

Rabbi Pam introduced me to a number of things at our recent meeting. I was unaware of Counting of the Omer: the counting of the days from Passover to Shavu’ot. According to Judaism 101:

“The counting is intended to remind us of the link between Passover, which commemorates the Exodus, and Shavu’ot, which commemorates the giving of the Torah. It reminds us that the redemption from slavery was not complete until we received the Torah.”

As I’m coming in the middle of all this, I will start with today, the 24th day out of 49; this is Week 4-Endurance. Today is Day 24 – Tiferet of Netzach: Compassion in Endurance

Healthy endurance, directed to develop good qualities and modifying bad ones, will always be compassionate. The compassion of endurance reflects a most beautiful quality of endurance: an enduring commitment to help another grow. Endurance without compassion is misguided and selfish. Endurance needs to be not just loving to those who deserve love, but also compassionate to the less fortunate. Does my determination compromise my compassion for others? Am I able to rise above my ego and empathize with my competitors? Am I gracious in victory?

Each day also comes with an exercise of the day. Today’s is:

Be patient and listen to someone who usually makes you impatient.

Right now, it’s a lot for me to take in. I’ll be reading more over the weekend and seeing how this all fits on my current journey. I included today’s information as a jumping off point. It fits what I’m going through, enduring all that I have, trying to change what I can for the better. I also dealt with a few who made me impatient today, and there are other things out there that do add to my impatience. Doing this exercise will be good for me.

What also resonated with me is what went on in Boston this week. The runners who went beyond and gave of themselves, exhausted as they must have been at the end of a marathon. There are so many stories of those who helped others in the aftermath of the blast, those who continued running to hospitals and triage stations to give blood and aid. If there is any symbol of compassion in endurance, those people showed it to the hilt. This was courage, and strength of spirit.

I play Words With Friends (on FB) pretty much every day. It is one of those things that relaxes me, calms me down if I’m agitated, and it helps me focus and think. I don’t care if I win or lose: it’s just that something that I enjoy, and I need to do things that I like. There have been days/times where I just can’t face doing much of anything, and when you are in those types of moods you really do need to do something. Thankfully, those types of moods are passing.

In playing a few games this morning, I made an observation: I will not play the word death or any variation of the word. I know I’ve done that before, but this time it happened in two different game boards, one right after the other. I made other words, skirting the letter D like the plague. It’s solely an observation, yet it makes me realize that I still have a ways to go in healing, in bereavement.

There is no time limit, nor is there any level I should be at. I just find that I can be stopped by writing a word out in a game, and it causes me to wonder why. As I’m typing this, I can think of one thing: as I wrote above, playing Words W/Friends is something I enjoy. Obviously, I have no joy in the word death, as it relates to my mother & father, my friend Charles, and all too recently the bombings in Boston and Israel. Am I restraining myself to mix in those words to something that gives me pleasure? Probably, that is one answer. It’s all a work in progress.

Anyways…because I needed to divert myself, I looked at a FB group I belong to, and a title I read felt apropos for today: I read the blog To Gyre and Gambol by Thom Brown entitled Say Yes To Life. I encourage you to read it, as Thom re-posted a very poignant speech that was made after 9/11. It is a good fit for the senselessness of what is going on in the world.

I hope you say yes to life, not just for those you know and love, but for the rest of the world.

Two blogs/online friends got me thinking this morning. Thinking is a good thing, I think: it means I’m not just rolling around in the negative dross that sometimes clutters my head. Doug, whose blog has the sub title “Writing through the desert on a blog with no name“, explained to the unenlightened the pop culture reference he was making. That started me off, as I went to a song that I have liked for a long time, which is the title of this blog post, a song by Crowded House. I looked it up on YouTube, and really listened to the lyrics, finding it fit how I’m feeling right now.

There are two things, in my mind, that hold me back: one is myself, who puts road blocks in my own path at times; the second thing are those in front of us who use the word “NO” with such a strong conviction.

As I’m waiting for an important interview to happen (already scheduled, eleven days away and patiently counting), I can’t allow any naysayer to get in my path, I can’t allow any thought that “…it’s over” cross my mind.

It does feel good to get out of the rain.

(for those who won’t click on the video above, here are the lyrics:)

There is freedom within, there is freedom without
Try to catch the deluge in a paper cup
There’s a battle ahead, many battles are lost
But you’ll never see the end of the road
While you’re traveling with me

Hey now, hey now, don’t dream it’s over
Hey now, hey now, when the world comes in
They come, they come to build a wall between us
We know they won’t win
Now I’m towing my car, there’s a hole in the roof

My possessions are causing me suspicion but there’s no proof
In the paper today tales of war and of waste
But you turn right over to the T.V. page

Hey now, hey now, don’t dream it’s over
Hey now, hey now, when the world comes in
They come, they come to build a wall between us
We know they won’t win

Now I’m walking again to the beat of a drum
And I’m counting the steps to the door of your heart
Only the shadows ahead barely clearing the roof
Get to know the feeling of liberation and relief

Hey now, hey now, don’t dream it’s over
Hey now, hey now, when the world comes in
They come, they come to build a wall between us
We know they won’t win

I wrote about Sam yesterday. There are a number of people in my life who deserve mention, and one reason I don’t list them is because I’m afraid I’d forget someone. During these difficult times, there are those that have stood out in support, care and love. Even the few who I only hear from occasionally: I know their lives are hectic for themselves, with their own joys and stresses, pressure of living, happiness they share.

I’m grateful for what they share with me, when they can. I’m grateful they are in my life.

I also have experienced a relationship with a wonderful woman who has given me more than I thought I’d ever find. I love her, and she gets embarrassed by too much PDA. I’ll leave it at that, and the song:

In My Live, by The Beatles

Songwriters: LENNON, JOHN WINSTON / MCCARTNEY, PAUL JAMES

There are places I remember All my life, though some have changed Some forever not for better Some have gone and some remain All these places have their moments With lovers and friends I still can recall Some are dead and some are living In my life I’ve loved them all

But of all these friends and lovers There is no one compares with you And these memories lose their meaning When I think of love as something new Though I know I’ll never lose affection For people and things that went before I know I’ll often stop and think about them In my life I love you more

Though I know I’ll never lose affection For people and things that went before I know I’ll often stop and think about them In my life I love you more In my life I love you more

You can not choose the family you are born into. You CAN choose, or be lucky enough, to be surrounded by people who really do care about you, who become the family you want and need. The friends who are more than just friends. I have been lucky to have a number of people in my life who have stuck by me, supported me, care about me, through all that I’ve gone through, good and bad. Most of them have been alongside me since High School or the first years of College. The few others I’ve met and bonded with along the way. They have been true family, in so many ways, and I’m blessed to know them and be part of their lives as they are in mine.

I’m an only child.

Let me tell you about my brother.

Sam & I became friends on July 5th, 1973. We went to the same High School, had a math class together, and that was that. Through a series of events, we wound up meeting when walking to summer school and started talking. By the time we had gotten to school, I had asked Sam if he wanted to join me at a Planet of the Apes movie marathon at a local theater. He said yes: we met at the movie house, spent over nine hours in a pretty packed movie theater. This began a friendship that has lasted close to 40 years now.

We’ve had our adventures, times we’ve just been plain silly, laughed a lot, a few times we’ve been pissed at each other, but with more times of caring about each other. He is privy to my thoughts, my hopes and dreams. We’ve remained close, even though he is not close in proximity. I could tell you about our stories: how we drove all night to Massachusetts to find a girl I was mooning over, only to chicken out and drive back home (in the same night); our Sangria & Pretzel “In Concert” evenings; Godspell and his meeting his future wife; double dates; adventures in father-hood; long phone calls, both good and bad; moving escapades; movies and meals and concerts and long, long walks around Westchester & NYC; everything that goes into 40 years of friendship.

Yesterday, out of the blue, he and his wife Barbara did something extremely generous out of the goodness of their hearts. It was unexpected, and it is greatly appreciated.

Thank you, Sam & Barbara.

This, in no way, is a slight to those others who have been in my life almost as long. I’ve had the honor of having the close friends of Rich, Kim, Norma, Laura (and, sadly, Charles, who is missed) almost as long as Sam. They, and others, have made the journey I’ve been on worthwhile.

Here is to friends, who are your brothers and sisters. I love mine, with all I have to give.

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(c) by Naomi Levy

Some of the prayers I use have come from the book "Talking to God" by Naomi Levy (c). I use excerpts from the book, prayers that have meaning to me, and, I hope, to you.
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