_ _ _____ _ __ <*the* weekly high-tech sarcastic update for the uk>
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|_| \_| |_| |_|\_\|_| |_|\___/ \_/\_/ o http://www.ntk.net/ "This intricate-looking image was actually
generated by a computer program"
- caption to Mandelbrot snapshot, NEW YORK TIMES
http://www.nytimes.com/2001/08/07/science/physical/07INFO.html
...like everything else on this Web page, you *idiot*
>> HARD NEWS <<
bringing balance to the load
Oh, "they" bleat about how all their readers are sending
them SirCam documents, and how the Net is grinding to a halt
with CODE RED (n+1) infections, but why, we - and he - must
ask, is no-one writing about HIPCRIME? The bane of USENET
has, it seems to us, has achieved a more worrying goal than
SirCam, Code Red, and a hundred urban myths and spam kings -
the often-predicted death of USENET. Hipcrime's Java
NewsAgent program is spreading further and further afield.
It has a simple strategy. First: it creates a unique posting
of computer generated gibberish, which is nonetheless
electronically indistinguishable from a normal usenet post.
Then it covers its origin by adopting the headers of random
(real) usenet poster. Prepare to send it to a random group,
but set follow-ups to the group to be destroyed. Post from
an untraceable dialup, or better still via the hundreds of
open Wingate socks4 proxies. Repeat until the group is
drowned in "what the hell", "please keep to the charter",
"what has this to do with frank zappa?" messages. Impossible
to filter, impossible to cancel, and damn hard to warn the
whole of Usenet about: especially if everyone outside the
froups is blind to its existence. And it's been there since
the mid-90s. And, yeah, people still read USENET.
http://groups.google.com/groups?th=773aad3a582328b9,208&start=0
- watch the descent into madness
http://www.ntk.net/2001/08/10/freshred.gif
- meanwhile Code Red stalks the Microsoft vulnerabilities
http://www.dasbistro.com/default.ida
- hold on: doesn't the first command turn the server *off*?
Of course, it was an unexpected vulnerability in a Microsoft
*personality* that threatened servers this side of the pond
when people realised that the now-notorious STEVE BALLMER
video, which had been kicking around as an .avi file for at
least a couple of weeks beforehand, had at last become
available in a format that people might actually want to view
it in. Thanks to everyone who helped with the mirroring, and
to all the proper journalists who got an official "no comment"
from Microsoft after becoming exasperated with our explanation
that we "got it off a mailing list or something". Perhaps that
same generosity might be able to help out ailing UK comedy
sites MARTIAN.FM (having problems with the time - and other,
cultural - differences between the UK and Detroit); tiresome
Chris Morris lickspittles COOKDANDBOMBD.CO.UK (having problems
hosting that ever-controversial "Brass Eye" episode); world-
hating comedy forum SOME OF THE CORPSES ARE AMUSING (see
previous NTKs); and - last, but not least - little-known news
spoof site THE REGISTER, whose mishaps this week included
forgetting their router password and having to evacuate the
office following a shooting. And they say satire is "too safe"
nowadays.
http://bbspot.com/toys/video/ballmer/
- can you smell what the OS division is cooking?
http://www.theregister.co.uk/content/28/20897.html
- quite tame, by http://www.notbbc.co.uk/corpses/ standards
At the end of last month, Pythonista Eric S. Raymond
extended an olive branch to the Perl developers, suggesting
that the two languages (or "tribes" as esr is wont to call
everyone) put aside their differences to work on a common
runtime. It was all the P's in our time: Python, Perl, Parse
Trees, Parrot (the April Fool's joke hybrid Py-Pl language)
and, most importantly we guess for ESR, Pissing Off
Microsoft by routing around their own .NET runtime. Three
weeks later, the process still hangs in the balance. There's
suspicion in the Python camp that the Perl6 mongers have no
intention to decommission their explosive syntax stockpiles,
and ongoing division among Python developers over the true
nature of the "%" operator has slowed the process. We just
hope no-one starts sending suicide packages into CPAN or
blowing up the ActiveState offices. Simon Cozens has been
engaging in shuttle diplomacy across the language divides,
rooting over the Python parser, and has started the "rainbow
alliance" mailing list, language-dev. Jesus, they're even
talking to the PHP authors in there.
http://www.python.org/pipermail/python-dev/2001-July/016406.html
- love how esr's .sig file always implies he's waving a gun
as he composes his mail
http://aspn.activestate.com/ASPN/Mail/Browse/Threaded/language-dev
- just don't trust those Sather guys
>> ANTI-NEWS <<
berating the obvious
LUCAS displays unerring eye for a topical public-relations
coup: http://www.ntk.net/2001/08/10/dohclone.jpg ... give
birth to a blinkin' MONSTER: http://www.ivfcenter.net/ ...
more hopeful reality-TV satirists fight for the limelight at
http://www.dangerisland.tv/ ... "before" and "after" pics of
Rudy from "Survivor"?: http://www.toymania.com/main.shtml ...
as if call centres didn't already strip away your dignity:
http://dailynews.yahoo.com/h/nm/20010807/od/nudists_dc_1.html
... BBC hope to provoke a discussion on "living in slugs":
http://news.bbc.co.uk/hi/english/tp_archive/19428.stm - hang
on, there's enough here to build your own world-class news
operation: http://news.bbc.co.uk/hi/english/static/services/ ,
http://news.bbc.co.uk/hi/english/background/newsid_1245000/1245746.stm
... and http://www.thelabourparty.org points to... from the
folks behind http://wwwntk.net/ - http://www.sexclowns.com/ ...
hint: the clue's in the immediately adjacent image filename:
http://tv.carlton.com/ourhouse/comp_q3.jhtml ... #*@!$~-ing
keyboard: http://www.ntk.net/2001/08/10/dohcurrency.png ...
woah there, Detective-Sergeant - you'd better hold your
horses: http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B00004CUOJ/
... the "mutants and human sheep" name-calling continues:
http://217.148.32.187/FriendsReunited.asp?wci=bb&school_key=139661
... hey, everyone goes a bit crazy at a PERL CONFERENCE:
http://195.38.233.125/YAPC/friday/Pict0048.htm ... FALCO
http://www.taste.co.uk - worth every penny of UKP110,000:
http://www.name-shop.net/prime.htm#taste ...
>> EVENT QUEUE <<
goto's considered non-harmful
Last time we mentioned "Transmetropolitan" in NTK, some crazed
Spider-Jerusalem-style maverick troublemaker promised to mail
us his surviving issues of "Denny Whiplash", a comic-strip
which WARREN ELLIS apparently wrote and drew "in the mid-80s"
for his 6th form college magazine. Sadly, our source's scanner
has since mysteriously malfunctioned, but it might still make
for an unusual conversation piece when Warren joins a bunch
of other Titan Books talent - Ian "Halo Jones" Gibson, Steve
"Deadline" Dillon, Glenn "Slaine" Fabry - at their 20 YEARS OF
TITAN BOOKS mass signing tomorrow (Sat 2001-08-11, Forbidden
Planet, New Oxford St, London WC1). Since Steve Dillon also
worked on "Rogue Trooper" in his time, maybe he could answer
that eternal question: what if Rogue had not conveniently had
those three friends with near-fetishistic interests in guns,
helmets and backpacks, respectively? How differently might
the stories have turned out had his trooper-colleagues been
obsessed with, say, ladies' shoes or underwear instead?
http://www.2000adonline.com/index.php3?page=news&story=signing
- "Back me up here, Panties! Shoes - we're going in!"
http://www.dnscon.org/dns4/
- We don't *think* we're speaking here this year. Or are we?
>> TRACKING <<
sufficiently advanced technology : the gathering
This will be, I swear, the second-to-last Elite nostalgia
piece that NTK runs. The New Kind, the reverse-engineered C
reimplementation of the original 6502 BBC Micro game has hit
v1.0. It runs under Windows and Linux (using the giftware
Allegro graphics library), and fair brings a tear to your
eye - and that's just paging through the source. But even if
the stark beauty of assembly-based-C code doesn't appeal,
the homages to every iteration of the game - including rock
hermits, witchspace ambushes and the fabled Cougar will win
anyone who still gives a toss over, I'm sure.
http://www.newkind.co.uk/
- Darkness Falls is so much better (albeit less accurate)
than "Attack of the Clones"
http://www.cnn.com/TRANSCRIPTS/0108/07/i_ba.04.html
- Braben on CNN: kids should be *flying* around and shooting
http://www.phink.net/elite/
- now with graphics. on WAP
>> MEMEPOOL <<
hasta la altavista
idealistic artists miss large astronomical object, point:
http://www.paintthemoon.org/ ... spanking new Japanese input
devices: http://www.monzy.com/intro/boong-ga/brochure.jpg ,
http://www.pioneer.co.jp/soundbum/ ... suspicions confirmed
about "sports fans": http://www.ruggerbugger.com/index2.htm
... BBC http://www.independent.co.uk/story.jsp?story=86965
imitate http://www.thebrainstrust.co.uk/article.14.1936.html
... "accidenture" ad at http://corporateanthems.raettig.org/ -
not exactly an "anthem", is it?... vs lost consultancy wisdom
of the ancients: http://home1.gte.net/sny22njz/artofwww/ ...
"formulaic POKEMON slash" writes an especially jaded reader:
http://daviduck83.homestead.com/lemons.html (from alt.games.
nintendo.pokemon.hentai)... "It's the car, right? Chicks dig
the car?": http://robertinhisferrari.com/ ... continuing this
week's unusually bodily-functions-fixated memepool, KEVIN
SMITH astroturf site: http://www.moviepoopshoot.com/ ... not
smelling *of* it - NEW SCIENTIST readers now smelling own wee:
http://www.newscientist.com/opinion/opletters.jsp?id=ns230339
... it seems I have underestimated you once again, DOC-TOR:
http://www.itn.co.uk/news/20010809/entertainment/01davison.shtml
... http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_364943.html imitates
http://www.theonion.com/onion3533/death_of_child_3533.html ...
this week's mildly confused CHRISTIAN pop-lyrics parody site:
http://www.anti-gay.com/hybrids/parody.htm ... and don't tell
the http://www.bbc.co.uk/newsround/newsroom/170701kitten.shtml
kids' crusaders about this alarming new pet-keeping craze:
http://www.fsinet.or.jp/~sokaisha/rabbit/rabbit.htm ...
>> GEEK MEDIA <<
hello? tvgohome? HELLO?
TV>> BBC1 unleashes a monolithic EASTENDERS-based Friday line-
up (from 7pm, Fri, BBC1), with attractions including Jonathan
Ross, Alistair McGowan and, bafflingly, last year's Victoria
Wood Christmas Special... ALT-TV (7.30pm, Fri, C4) remakes the
old indie "20 Dates" docu format as "Four Weeks To Find A
Girlfriend"... and ITV seems to have wavered in the Arnie-vs-
Arnie Saturday night game of chicken and is no longer showing
"The Terminator" against TOTAL RECALL (10.15pm, Sat, BBC1)...
filling in between the usual months-old home-grown clip shows
comes the actually-quite-promising months-old imported clip
show AFI'S 100 YEARS: 100 LAUGHS (9pm, Sat, C4) - inexplicably
featuring neither Kevin Smith's MALLRATS (1am, Sat, BBC2) nor
his CHASING AMY (11.55pm, Wed, C4)... risible "isn't the net
amazing?" series THE FUTURE JUST HAPPENED (6.35pm, Sun, BBC2)
at last gets around to cutting-edge cyber-icons Keith Chegwin
and Marillion... former Letterman/SNL writer Rich Hall makes
it big at last as grizzled character comic OTIS LEE CRENSHAW
(11.05pm, Sun, BBC2)... and C5 finds itself on familiar
territory once again with Rutger Hauer cybercrud NEW WORLD
DISORDER (9pm, Mon, C5), clearly preferring to schedule stuff
that might be any good - Jeremy "The Larry Sanders Show"
Piven's quickfire comedy-drama CUPID (2.20pm, Mon-Fri, C5),
Clint Eastwood's WHITE HUNTER, BLACK HEART (3.20pm, Tue, C5) -
in the middle of the afternoon... SIN? (11.35pm, Tue, C4)
seriously proposes abandoning all technological progress for
"ethical reasons"... BBC2 commemorate Louis Farrakhan being
allowed into the country with an week of ISLAM UK (most
evenings from Mon, BBC2), culminating in Laurence Llewelyn-
Bowen changing his name to "Mohammed El-Shabbaz" to enhance
the Moroccan ambience in HOME FRONT: ISLAM SPECIAL (8pm, Wed,
BBC2)... and the Dando assassination has only intensified
celebrities' search for lookalikes who could potentially stand
in for them at risky public occasions like STARS AND THEIR
DOUBLES (8.30pm, Thu, ITV) - presented by an uncannily
convincing "Des O'Connor" and "Claire from Steps"...
FILM>> it's space ghosts - coast to coast! - in what largely
resembles a feature-length version of motion-capture classic
"Starship Troopers: The Animated Series" (think Thunderbirds
puppets re-enacting scenes from "Aliens") being possessed by
a near-comprehensible anime plot in FINAL FANTASY: THE SPIRITS
WITHIN (http://www.capalert.com/capreports/finalfantasy.htm :
multitudes of new demons for nightmares; camera angles to
force the viewer on the private areas of the characters; open
mouth kissing; multiple bizarre creatures; glorification of
Gaia with the powers of God; lengthy dialogue glorifying false
god and belittling the righteous)... otherwise it's Steve "The
Day Today" Coogan, Ben "Armstrong and Miller" Miller, Lena
"Gossip" Headey, Jenny "Logan's Run" Agutter, Simon "Spaced"
Pegg and Omar "Doctor Zhivago" Sharif - together at last! - in
not-exactly-"Alan Partridge: The Movie" kiddie caper THE
PAROLE OFFICER (http//www.bbfc.co.uk : rated 12 for moderate
violence, sexual references, and language)... or otherwise
self-explanatory Danish junior Dogme-95 animation HELP, I'M A
FISH (imdb original title: the oddly Penelope-Pitstop-sounding
HJAELP, JEG ER EN FISK)...
CONFECTIONERY THEORY>> a weirdly limited roll-out of the
MCDONALDS CHICKEN MCCRISPY ("2 pieces of succulent bone-in
chicken", UKP2.48) - based on KFC's anecdotal ethnic appeal,
are they deliberately aiming it at the UK's black population?
Still, nothing for the Colonel to get too worried about just
yet - it's like a deep-fried Chicken Kiev without the garlic
butter inside, and has "This product contains bones" written
all over it like a bad cameo episode of Star Trek: TNG. Staff
have so far politely declined our suggestions that it should
be renamed the "Chicken McBoner", or that they should do a
similarly breadcrumbed cutlet called the "Ally McVeal"... we
did see an attempted McFlurry rival - the AVALANCHE - in what
may well be KFC's "flagship" store in Leicester Square (with
M&Ms and Starburst Joosters sprinkle options), but Micky D's
continue to push the envelope here with the recent sundae-
repurposing MCDRIZZLE SHAKES (mmm, hot fudge sauce), the
bizarre ICED MOCHA (with huge chunks of *real ice!*), and our
product of the month, the STRAWBERRY CRUNCH MCFLURRY, with
lots of jammy sauce and slightly salty digestive biscuit. On a
completely unrelated note, thanks to both PETER FLINT and
SIMON GREENWOOD for spotting that the terms and conditions
linked to in NTK 2000-06-15 http://www.mcdonalds.com/legal/
contain the trademark "McDonald's All American High School
Jazz Bank" - a phrase whose non-appearance elsewhere on Google
leads one to suspect it may be "a misprint", but for what? Not
"Jizz", surely?... back with sweets, a muted "s'alright I
suppose" for CADBURY'S STRAWBERRY BUTTONS (only seen in
Budgen's 7-11 stores so far), ROWNTREE'S bigger-than-Jelly-
Belly MEGABEANS (the "Oingy Boingy" TV ad is a remake of the
"All Your Base" video, maintains JOHN HANDELAAR), while the
M&M'S CRISPS debate rages on. "They have had them in the
states for ages and they are truly grim", advised CHARLOTTE
LATIMER, "like sugar and chocolate covered ricicles, with
sugar. Yuck", before going on to semi-recommend FRUITELLA
JELLIES (25p/bag, "like little jelly beans that have had floor
sweepings mixed in at the liquid stage - possibly the weirdest
thing to pass my lips in a long time") and continental import
HARIBO MAOAM STRIPES (UKP1 for bag of 12, "they are not
stripey though, just very chewy and a very awkward shape to
get in your mouth")... ALETHA MCHALICK confirmed that the
centre of an M&M Crisp "is def[initely] NOT like a Malteser,
it's horribly dry and slightly stale-tasting, like old rice
crackers if anything at all", echoing the Proustian reverie of
SUSAN CASEY, whose office snacks on "brandy snaps; panforte de
Siena, going to war cake for 13th century Italians; plain
Choco Leibniz, the philosopher's biscuit (bump up your IQ with
a tonne of sugar); and [of course] orange-flavoured cardboard-
coloured fish-shaped biscuits, 1cm long, from Muji, sadly
discontinued". To which we can only add: watch out for NESTLE
QUALITY STREET'S THE BIG PURPLE ONE (35p each, due Christmas),
MARS "HARRY POTTER" BERTIE BOTTS EVERY FLAVOUR BEANS (39p, due
September), plus CHICAGO TOWN CRAVINGS PIZZAS for pregnant
women, with "Pineapple, Gerkin and Chocolate", "Egg, Cheese
and Pickle", and "Fruit and Chocolate" toppings (UKP1.99)...
>> SMALL PRINT <<
Need to Know is a useful and interesting UK digest of things that
happened last week or might happen next week. You can read it
on Friday afternoon or print it out then take it home if you have
nothing better to do. It is compiled by NTK from stuff they get sent.
Registered at the Post Office as
"an afterthought"
http://www.bbspot.com/Features/2001/08/Top_11_ballmer_vid.html
NEED TO KNOW
THEY STOLE OUR REVOLUTION. NOW WE'RE STEALING IT BACK.
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