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Author
Topic: I'm ready to give up (Read 11301 times)

I saw my therapist to day and feel even more depressed. I thought I was just about to get out of the dark abyss that I have been in for the past few months only to fall into it deeper today.

I thought I was getting on top of my bills and was going to break even this month only to find several bills that had gotten lost in the shuffle and all of a sudden the light at the top of the abyss disappeared and the darkness has consumed all hope of getting on top of things. I feel a hole in my chest that aches more than I can bear. I feel like a complete failure. I want it all to end.

Usually after a session with my therapist I feel better than when I went in and today I feel buried deeper than ever. I feel like giving up and I just want it to end. I feel like I'm not making any headway with my therapist, not because she isn't trying. But, if I feel worse after a session, whats the use in continuing them. But, I'm also scared that if I can't get a handle on things and start seeing forward movement that life will get better, I don't know what else to do. I don't want to continue going on feeling the way I feel now.

I hate that I feel so fucking weak and desperate.

I hate feeling sorry for myself.

I hate my life.

I hate who I've become.

I hate the pain I constantly feel in my chest, I want to reach inside and pull it out.

I hate that I know I have it better than some, but it feels like everything that I found joy in is gone.

I hate that, for me, life has ended and I'll just exist till my day comes.

I hate that I don't care if my life ended tomorrow.

I hate that I don't care weather I go to heaven or hell, or if I just end up in a hole in the ground. I want the pain to stop.

I hate knowing the pain my family and partner would go thru, but I'm tired of hurting.

If you are truly ready to give up - then try Letting Go - not by ending your life but by accepting it the way it is and move forward.

Sweetie, I have a mental illness besides this dreaded disease. When I dwell on the negatives they only get bigger. You said you saw a light at the end. Focus on that light and not the darkness. I know from experience that it is NOT easy. I have been where you have been and it scared me so bad that I did what you are doing - reaching out. Thank goodness something inside of me WOULD NOT stop fighting and I got the help I needed. I was suicidal on a couple occasions and it scared me so bad that I reached out and thank goodness someone was there for me. Right now that person may only be your therapist but hang in there - do not give up.

Sweetie - talk to someone. If you are considering ending your life - call the hotline (wish I had that number but do call). If it isn't that bad please know that life is worth living in spite of all of the ups and downs. It has been 13 yrs since I was in such bad shape emotionally - got the help which was inpatient care and intensive therapy - and today I am happy that I did not end my life.

I would have missed an awful lot in life and so would you.

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When you were born, you cried and the world rejoiced; live your life in such a manner that when you die, the world will cry and you will rejoice!

I hate the pain I constantly feel in my chest, I want to reach inside and pull it out.

Hello G. I hope a hug helps. {{hugs ga1964}} ... It's my understanding clinical depression can cause unpleasant effects such as physical body pain --many of the pharma companies have said certain drugs they make can help on that front too (relief of body aches) ... ...... I don't know your history so please forgive me if you already know this. A.H.

The financial pressures of this disease are incredible so feeling overwhelmed is the norm.

Maybe bankruptcy is an option (and bankruptcy is NOT failure). Being unable to pay your bills doesn't make you a bad person. If some of those bills are medical you might want to try contacting the doctor(s) and see what if anything they are willing to do.

Maybe another therapist would suit you better ... or a new or different pharmaceutical or a higher dosage.

Whatever you do ... keeping trying a little bit each day. I'm sending along my hugs as well!

Good luck -- and please keep us posted on how you are feeling.

AA

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It is not the arrival that matters. It is the journey along the way. -- Michel Montaigne

I am sad to hear, that you are not doing well at all. You seemed to be improving, when we last spoke, in my depression thread, yet here you are again and you sound despondent. You know that I have clinical depression and I believe that you have it as well. Whether you have been diagnosed or not, I can feel the depression as I read your post. I am also very fearful of your use of the word "hate" in describing yourself and your life. Please stop for a moment and try and remember all that life has given you. No, not the bills, or pressures, but those things that really matter in life. You mention family and a partner, and I urge you to look to them, for the support you so desperately need during this time. I am a parent and partner and I would be crushed if either Kate or Stephen, could not come to me, in their time of need, so please do not push those closest to you away, because they feel just as helpless as you do, in helping you move past this difficult time.

I also urge you to reconsider how you perceive your life. It may seem small, but words do matter. When I read your post, where you hate everything, including yourself, I feel very sad that you actually seem to believe that about yourself. You have a mental health disease and you are seeking treatment, so why all this hate for you. As I read your post, I envision a person who is struggling financially, trying to do the best that they can, but even your best is not good enough. Not good enough for who? Right now, my friend, you are all that matters.

Nobody loves you any less, because of your illness or financial status and that reality is what you need to achieve. You say that therapy is making you feel worse, but I submit that maybe you are getting close to some major issues and the fear and loathing you feel, is misdirected at you, rather than the illness and any personal issues that you may have. Many things in life, are outside of our control and the best we can hope for, is to find acceptance in the majority of our life. You do not hate yourself, rather you hate what your depression has done TO you. Your feelings right now, are not the result of some character flaw, they are a direct result of your depression. Whatever the reasons, you do not like how you feel and only you can change that, and if that means revamping your therapy, then so be it.

My heart aches for you, because I know the damage that depression can cause. I know those feelings of emptiness that seem to sear into your very soul. I hear your cries for help and what scares me the most, is I know the strong desire, to just make it all go away. You came here for support and I am offering mine unconditionally. I want you to know, that we all care about you and that there is always a light at the end of any tunnel, regardless of its length. I hope you can refocus on that light and accept that it will just take a little more time to balance everything out, but you will get there, just maybe not as fast as you think you should. Stop judging yourself by other peoples expectations and accept the fact that you need help and that seeking help, is the act of a strong person.

You can get to a better place and you know you both want and need to, so be easy on yourself and realize that this too, shall pass. Please accept the fact, that life is worth living and focus on ways to improve your situation, while enjoying all that you already have. Who cares if you cannot pay all your bills on time, as long as you are making an effort to pay them, that makes you a responsible person, who is just struggling right now, like millions of other Americans. No, you are not to be hated, but to be embraced, by all that is dear to you.

Please reach out and let someone in, who can become your rock, on which you will build your recovery. Start loving yourself and accept that your depression is a disease and one that needs to be treated aggressively. As I said, all that matters right now is you. I urge you to get angry at the real culprit here, your depression and to decide that you will banish it from your life and then do so, with all the energy you can. If you spend all of your time, lamenting the past, you blind yourself to all the today's and tomorrows. There are better days ahead and I know you can do this.

You spent quite a bit of time telling yourself what you do not like. and what is negative in your life. Perhaps you should force yourself to make the same type of list of things you are grateful for. i know this can be difficult but I encourage you to try. Make that list that says I am grateful for instead of I hate. Hell lie to yourself even if you have to. If you start thinking about the things that are good or better in your life you will be surprised. Also keep up with your therapist. You say that usually your therapist visit makes you fell better. Call and go again see the therapist until you do feel better. Another thing perhaps you need medication. If you are already on medication maybe you need something different.I have been there and know how difficult it can be when everything looks negative. Keep talking on here seek out help.Peter

This is a great example of a time when less is truly more .To have parents and a partner on your list makes yours a powerful list and enviable by the standards of many. Is there anything finer than the love of parents and the love of a lover? To be loved and supported is a fantastic foundation for solving many of life's problems.

Not to minimize the reality of debts and collection agencies and stress and fear, but when it comes to bank accounts, the human hugs deposits you have access to are sufficient to tide you over while you figure out what you need to do to regain your recent "on top of your finances" status.

You'll do it, IF, you're patient with yourself and others and practice forgiving yourself and others.

Wow,That is a great list.!!!!!!I wish I had a partner to put on my list.Keep concentrating on those good things in your life and you will think of others. I am really impressed that you made a list.I would like to send you a hug as well. Just think of the other people on here that took their time to connect with you. Add them to your list now.Peter

Thank you for opening my eyes and helping me when I needed some support. I do know that I am lucky to have my parents and partner when so many others here don't and at times I feel guiltily that I do when so many don't.

Emeraldize said so much that less can be more. Sometimes it seems like the negative things seem to stack up so much that it becomes hard to see the few positives that truly mean a lot more.

I don't know if its being broke here at Christmas or that last week marked 2 year since being diagnosed. Last year at this time I had a period of deep depression and I know that it was due to marking my 1st year. I hope some day I can face the Christmas season without being brought down from facing an anniversary that I wish I could forget.

Thank you all for the support. I don't know how I could have made it the past two years without the support of all the wonderful people here that have extended an open heart to help me get through the tough times.

Well it certainly sucks to feel down, but I agree with others that your short list of good stuff is encouraging. I would like a partner and my family is thousands of miles away. And my parents are dying. I hope you can find some peace and happiness with who you have. Also, you might try antidepressant medicine, if you haven't already. All the best.

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“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Now that I'm past the holidays I have been feeling better, I guess some of what I was feeling could be related to the Holiday blues. I never understood what it meant when I would hear someone talking about it. I just never thought of feeling blue during the holidays was possible unless someone had lost a loved one the previous years. I never thought that I would feel that way.

Sometimes we do not need a reason to get the blues - it just happens. It is what we do with it while there. I, for one, am so glad you reached out. Keep reaching out and you will make it through anything that is thrown your way.

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When you were born, you cried and the world rejoiced; live your life in such a manner that when you die, the world will cry and you will rejoice!

don't give up. I have had a lot of bad news almost daily lately and 2 day it continued again with my banker telling me that our home equity loan had a renewal clause and I would have to refinance it in 30 days IF I can qualify. I never knew this and always made more than the payment. when I got in tonight I was chatting with my son by email. he lives in a distant city like all out family members, we have no family here any more and when we started the chat I was so depressed I felt like crying. Told him I wasn't ready to lose what I had worked 30 years for and he reminded me that I always was a tough old bird and would make it through it. You can't believe how much better I felt after just a couple of sentences of encouragement to keep on fighting. I had a T shirt that I wore for years. It was my favorite. When it was rags my wife would throw it away and I would get it out of the trash and keep wearing it till it finally disentigrated in the washer. It had a picture of a stork trying to eat a frog , but the frog has his hands around the storks neck strangling it. he wouldn't give up. I used to Tell our kids That they can dig a hole and throw you in it, but they can't bury you unless you let them. You see , with every shovel of dirt they throw in the hole, If you step on top of it you are 1 shovel full closer to the top. Eventually you will make it to the the top to get out. Just typing this to you gives me encouragement to fight on. Please do the same.

Hi, I just want you to know that your not alone and even tough I do not know where your at and I can only give you support Via e-mails or by posting here I just want you to know that you have a friend in me and I'm sure that all the other's that responded to you feel the same, so here's my E-mail address Mglyl@yahoo.com just let me know it's you from POZ so that I do not spam it ok.that's just in case you need to talk or vent or just want to say Hi okPlease stay strong and remember that you are loved by so many that do not even know you...ok so long for now as always PRMike

Send your life-giving Spiritupon those who despair of living,O generous and loving God.If it is your will,let them find rest from their laborsthat they may have peace.If there is a call they have not heard,open their eyes and ears to know itthat they may find the joy of abundant life.Grant them your blessing this dayand every day.Amen.

I hate the emotional roller coaster that comes with this disease. I saw my ID. last week and found out my CD-4 count had dropped from 557 down to 438 and I have been freaking out. My ID drew more blood to redo the labs to make sure that there was not a mix up. I go back in 4 wks. to find out the results. He asked me if I was taking my meds, I told him I have, so hes talking about changing my meds if the new test come back confirming the last numbers.

I told him I had been under a lot of stress lately due to being on the brink of bankruptcy, he said that it could be a contributing factor and that I should take a weekend getaway and let him do the worrying about my numbers. I wish it was that easy. I can't keep up with my bills and I'm suppose to take a weekend getaway....Yeah, right, like I can do that. I would love to take a getaway, but who's going to pay for it? He told me not to stress about my numbers, but my CD-4s had improved over the last 2yrs. from 191 up to almost 600, and now I've lost 100 and don't know why.

I lost so much sleep the next couple of days, that when I did get sleep I was out for 16hrs., which freaked my partner out, but I was glad to have gotten it. I can't help worrying and I don't know how the next 4wks. are going to go.

I hate the emotional roller coaster that comes with this disease. I saw my ID. last week and found out my CD-4 count had dropped from 557 down to 438 and I have been freaking out. My ID drew more blood to redo the labs to make sure that there was not a mix up. I go back in 4 wks. to find out the results. He asked me if I was taking my meds, I told him I have, so hes talking about changing my meds if the new test come back confirming the last numbers.

I told him I had been under a lot of stress lately due to being on the brink of bankruptcy, he said that it could be a contributing factor and that I should take a weekend getaway and let him do the worrying about my numbers. I wish it was that easy. I can't keep up with my bills and I'm suppose to take a weekend getaway....Yeah, right, like I can do that. I would love to take a getaway, but who's going to pay for it? He told me not to stress about my numbers, but my CD-4s had improved over the last 2yrs. from 191 up to almost 600, and now I've lost 100 and don't know why.

I lost so much sleep the next couple of days, that when I did get sleep I was out for 16hrs., which freaked my partner out, but I was glad to have gotten it. I can't help worrying and I don't know how the next 4wks. are going to go.

Thanks for reading and replying.

Your Doctor. is right, you shouldn't worry to much about your T-Cells.......as for your financial situation and your stress level, if that continues, it could become problematic, take a deep-breath, and sit down with your partner and try to figure out what got you to this brink of bankruptcy, if there is something you can do to fix this, 2 heads are a lot better than one, and if, you both have exhausted all avenues, then bankruptcy might be the way to go, I've done this before, when I lost my job due to AIDS back in 1998, so, whatever reason got you to this point is what you need to work on, remember ,take it one step at a time, and loose the stress, (you cannot get better with stress, you'll only get worse) and give yourself room to take better care of yourself.......

« Last Edit: January 23, 2009, 06:01:35 PM by denb45 »

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"it's so nice to be insane, cause no-one ask you to explain" Helen Reddy cc 1974

GA -- you should NOT change your regimen based solely on a temporary (and small) CD4 count drop. Only a viral load failure (or troublesome side effects) should prompt a change of therapy.

CD4 tests are pretty volatile (not measured precisely) as is. You could draw blood in the morning and get a reading of 557, then draw again in the afternoon and get a reading of 438. Or you could draw two vials at the same time and send them to two different labs and get BOTH those numbers. That's how volatile CD4 testing is.

So knowledgeable docs and patients look at long-term trends in CD4s, not single results. They also track their CD4 percentage, which fluctuates much less than the CD4 absolute number.

So chill. Your numbers are well above 200, so you've got nothing to worry about.

Thanks for the advice and info. I'll try not to let it get to me too much.

My financial problems have come from all the new expenses I have due to this disease. I am so greatfull that I had gotten health insurance about 6 months before I was diagnosed. I can't imagine how bad it would be if I did not have insurance. I have tried to keep up with my medical expenses without seeking assistance, but finally had to. It kicked in about 2 months ago and I'm waiting to see the effects to my financial situation. This disease has been a heavy blow to my self esteem, and the thought of bankruptcy threatens it even more.

Today my case worker told me I am going to have to choose between seeing the doctor they use or my current ID. Here's the catch, If I decide to continuing to see my ID. I will have to pay for my labs myself. I have driven myself into bankruptcy trying to keep up with all the medical expenses and cannot afford to pay for the labs.

The doctor that they use is from another town and does not contract with my local hospital, so if I went into the hospital, he would not be able to be my primary physician while I was in the hospital. Also, he is a general physician and he is not an HIV specialist and I would see him once a year if I did not have a major health issue.

My ID. told me that if I stop seeing him and I went into the hospital, He would not be able to be my primary physician and I would have to use whoever the "on call" doctor working as a primary physician. If I continuing seeing my ID. I will have to pay for my labs.

My insurance company won't cover my labs if they are not drawn and processed in the same office, so any lab work that has to be sent off for processing, which is all of them, I will have to cover the charges. There are no places here that can draw and process in the same office, so I don't know how I'll be able to get my labs.

I'm thinking of stopping it all...the meds...the labs...the therapist...the doctors and just let nature take its course. Hopefully sooner than later. Whats the use? I can't afford to "maintain" this disease and maybe its just my time to exit this world. Every time it looks like things might get better, the other "shoe" comes down and I seem to be loosing the war again. I'm tired of the fight. I just don't have the energy keep fighting an uphill battle that never eases up.

I'm exhausted. I would rather put what energy I have left into planning my funeral, at least I know it will be over.

My dear friend I feel for you and i have you in my Prayers...I am wondering if you can get help from the Ryan White Program ? I think that there should be some kind of Program that can help you...I do not think that you should Give up and I know that it might be easier said then done but Please try looking for some help before you stop taking your Meds and seeing your Doctor...Do you hace a case worker ? if you do talk to him/her and see what he/she can do for you ?ok bye for now as always your Friend Mike

I am in a program that pays my insurance premiums ( H.I.C.P.), and since I have insurance, I can't qualify for ADAP. If I give up my insurance, then I would qualify for ADAP, but could only see the doctor that works for the health department. Like I said before, he is a general physician and not an HIV specialist. I would be able to get my labs every 3 months and see him once a year, but if I had to go into the hospital, he would not be able to be my primary physician and I would not have the insurance to pay for the hospital stay. The last time I was in the hospital, the bill was in excess of $100,00.00, not including the doctor's charges that were about $60,000.00. Either way I'm screwed.

Instead of loosing everything I have built in life going to pay debts that I can not afford, I'd rather speed up the process and leave something for my partner to start a new life.

God, how I hate the life that I now have and want it to end soon. I just want it to be quick and pain less. I wish I had the courage to do myself in and stop living in such pain, at least I could help my partner to make a new start with what little I have left.

I am in a program that pays my insurance premiums ( H.I.C.P.), and since I have insurance, I can't qualify for ADAP. If I give up my insurance, then I would qualify for ADAP, but could only see the doctor that works for the health department. Like I said before, he is a general physician and not an HIV specialist. I would be able to get my labs every 3 months and see him once a year, but if I had to go into the hospital, he would not be able to be my primary physician and I would not have the insurance to pay for the hospital stay. The last time I was in the hospital, the bill was in excess of $100,00.00, not including the doctor's charges that were about $60,000.00. Either way I'm screwed.

Instead of loosing everything I have built in life going to pay debts that I can not afford, I'd rather speed up the process and leave something for my partner to start a new life.

God, how I hate the life that I now have and want it to end soon. I just want it to be quick and pain less. I wish I had the courage to do myself in and stop living in such pain, at least I could help my partner to make a new start with what little I have left.

I don't know what to do?

You said you have Ins. have you considered seeing a Metal Health Professional....sometimes life isn't fair, but it's still worth living, seek help, at least talk to someone in that field........hang-in-there...things may not be as bad as they sound, we've all been there before, I know I have...please don't give up on life...you have a great deal of life to live, and you still have a lot to offer someone, even if you don't think so

« Last Edit: January 28, 2009, 12:21:54 PM by denb45 »

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"it's so nice to be insane, cause no-one ask you to explain" Helen Reddy cc 1974

I've been seeing a therapist, but I'm not sure if she can understand what HIV has done to me and my life. I did not go to my last appointment, because I usually feel more depressed after seeing her. I know that she is trying to help me, but I fear it's too late. I've lost the will to live, and want it to be done and over with. I want to take all the pills in my medicine cabnet and just go to sleep, but with my luck I'd end up waking up after having my stomach pumped.

I know it would be painfull for those who care about me, but I don't want to continue living in the pain that I suffer constantly.

Does anyone know what its like to hate everything about themselves and feel like having a hole in your chest and the pain and emptiness that comes from it?

I can relate to how you feel. When I couldn't eat solid foods & even my saliva was getting stuck in my esophagus and I had this disgusting feeding tube sticking out of my stomach, I had grind up my meds and mix them with water and flush them through the tube and I was down to 79lbs I thought f**k it ... I'm just going to stop take the HIV meds and let nature run it's course. The suffering I saw in the faces of people around me ... knowing the pain I was causing them made me decide to try. It worked ... life still isn't perfect and I've only got 147 Tcells but I'm taking one day at a time.

As far as the doc situation goes it really sucks and I'm sorry you are having to go through this. I don't have a great answer for you but I think I would go with the clinic doc and still be able to get your labs every 3 months and your meds. Your CD4 is well above 200 so unless something traumatic happens it doesn't seem likely you'll be going to hospital anytime soon. In the mean time check around to see if there is a free clinic that even if it's far away maybe you could go to every 6mos or so to have an HIV doc go over things with you. Not a great solution I know but it's something to think about and I'm sure others here will have some ideas too.

We all want you to stay with us a a long long time.

Hugs & StuffAA

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It is not the arrival that matters. It is the journey along the way. -- Michel Montaigne

It just seems like things keep getting harder and harder with no end in sight. I don't know how much more I can take. The weight of everything has me wondering if its all worth it. I have guilt knowing how much pain this would cause my partner and family, but the pain I'm living in has got to stop some how.

I saw the movie "Prayers for Bobby" last knight and I know the pain he lived in. I hid in the closet till I was 29 or30 afraid of how my parents would react. My Mother did not take my coming out very well. She told me I was no longer her son, so we did not talk for 15 years. My Father, being very religious, and after the way Mom reacted, I could not imagine how my Dad react. He surprised me, saying that he wished I was not gay, but I was still HIS son.

Watching the movie, I hurt so deep knowing how the pain got so intense and wanting to be accepted by the parents that promised eternal unconditional love. Like Bobby, his Father was there when his Mother rejected him. Unfortunately, in my case I was not very close to my Father until I was in my mid 20's. It was about 8 years after telling my mom, that I finally told my Dad, not that he hadn't already known. I had been with my partner for 10 years by then. I'm now much closer, but still apprehensive at times.

I guess, growing up identifying with what my parents said is "sick and perverted" and people like "them" should be locked up and committed, I never felt like I could be honest and tell them their son was one of "them". I know I would have been put into "therapy" and it would not stop until I was "cured".

They are accepting now, and I'm greatfull, but I still worry that some day I could be rejected again. I don't talk to them about the heart ache I went through because they have changed, but I still suffer from it at times. When I was diagnosed, I just threw it out, not knowing if they would reject me, but I had to tell them so I would know if they would disappear. Thankfully, they did not disappear and have been supportive, but the fear is always there that they will disappear.

It just seems like things keep getting harder and harder with no end in sight. I don't know how much more I can take. The weight of everything has me wondering if its all worth it. I have guilt knowing how much pain this would cause my partner and family, but the pain I'm living in has got to stop some how.

As soon as you've come to terms with having HIV is when the real problems begin. Meds/side effects/expense and all too often coupled with depression really make you question everything but to answer your question, Yes it is worth it. It will take time and a lot patience but you will get through it. Just the fact that there is an LTS forum here shows you it can be done.

Try not to get overwhelmed and take everything as it comes one thing at a time. If you are having problems come here and let everyone know whats going on. There are so many smart people here who have been through so much of the same things that they can help you get through it.

More Hugs (and tell your partner not to get jealous) AA

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It is not the arrival that matters. It is the journey along the way. -- Michel Montaigne

I saw my ID. Monday and got my numbers from my last labs. I am glad to say that they found the 100+ CD-4s that I lost on the previous labs and found a few extras. My CD-4s came back at 596 , the highest they have been since I was diagnosed 2yrs. ago. I was happy to get the new numbers and find out my viral load is still undetectable, but I can't shake the feeling that something bad is around the next corner.

"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

It means a lot knowing you and everyone else are here to help others find thier way though this experence and support when I think I can't deal with it any longer. I don't know if I would be here, if not for the support of everyone here.

... Or you could draw two vials at the same time and send them to two different labs and get BOTH those numbers.

You could use another lab for a single draw, if you think they botched it. Personally, I wouldn't. My experience with two simultaneous draws going to different labs is one lab will consistently give higher #s than another. Changing labs from now on might be better than mixing results from two labs. If I suspected a lab botched a test, i'd probably just insist they redo it and maybe get a supervisor involved (I don't understand the process at all). It's the comparative that matters most.

While I see why you are disappointed with your present therapy, I'd agree with the previous advice, stick with it for the time being. There may not be a significantly better treatment out there for you. Even if there were, it's important for medical reasons to pretty much exhaust the benefits of the one you're on before either changing or dropping treatment. i hope things improve for you.