Anatomy of a First-Ever Detention

This post was originally published in October, 2009. We love it so much, we want you to read it. —Sparkitors

If you've never had detention, then your first-ever incarceration will probably feel like some kind of a cross between being told that you're a horrible person and being told that your dog just died. Or perhaps that your dog just died because of how horrible you are.

It's an awful feeling, almost always accompanied by the belief that you do not deserve this, and that you are in this situation because the teacher basically just lost his mind. How did you get into this mess?

Probably for one of the following reasons:

You did most of the homework, but not all of it, and this is evidently the worst thing he has ever seen in his entire life

You did all of the homework, but then in a fluke of cosmic irony, your dog actually did eat it (in this scenario, your dog is not yet dead.)

You did not do the homework

Due to a school prank, numbered pigs were pooping in his office all night, and his Detention Impulse is on a hair-trigger

It is Teacher Flip-Out Day

So though you did nothing (or very little) wrong, you find yourself trudging down the unfamiliar hallway that leads to the detention room. Cobwebs line the walls and creaks echo through the hall. (Granted, this is probably because of the Halloween decorations, but still.)

You are full of:

Terror

Angry terror

About half a bag of Cheetos your friend got at the vending machine earlier, and also terror

The compulsion to start crying, which you conceal by awkwardly laughing a lot

The certainty that there is now a big check mark on your permanent record next to "IS A BAD STUDENT," which will disqualify you from every single college.

So you plod unhappily into the detention room, unsure what to expect.

The detention room contains:

One buzzing, half-broken fluorescent light

Walls painted the color of sadness

A confusing and terrible smell

Two kids in the corner who are at least 23; judging from their whispers, they appear to be plotting... some kind of bank robbery...?

Flies

The very large Detention Guy, a semi-teacher or assistant coach who is shrouded in rumor and mystery—about three hundred pounds of rumor and mystery

You spend the next hour:

Weeping uncontrollably, still trying to cover it up by laughing, but now it just makes you appear insane

Doing homework while weeping

Pretending to weep and do homework; actually just doodling your teacher being eaten by sharks

Concocting elaborate revenge fantasies wherein you become rich and powerful, then use your wealth to fill your teacher's house with sharks