My Bloody Valentine to Garry Marshall

I have even more respect for my old bud Garry Marshall today than I did at this time last week. For he has managed to pull off a box-office heist of the most impressive type. That is to say, he has scored the current No. 1 box office hit while picking up the worst reviews of the season.

Way to go, Gar.

There simply aren’t many directors who can do both at once. Marc Lawrence, who gave us the charming Music and Lyrics a couple years back, attempted the same thing with the recent Did You Hear About Morgans? But all he got was icy reviews and no cash. To pull in terrible reviews and the big money, well, for that you need a Michael Bay. Or maybe a&hellip; well, it’s a short list. And now Garry Marshall is on it.

Garry’s latest, Valentine’s Day, is sitting atop a hot pile of $63 million. Which is not a bad number for February. Just to make it a little more merry, let’s sample the reviews, so that we can better appreciate his feat.

An aside: I would like to offer my thanks to the squad of internes who helped me put together the research, which you will be coming upon shortly. I blush to say that I forced these eager young journalists to make use of the mimeograph machine in their labors, because, in my opinion, the ink shows up a hell of a lot better when it’s faxed. But they told me to be sure I made mention of some person or thing called Rotten Tomatoes, when it was time for me to give credit.

Anyhoots, here we go, with what the critics said about Gar’s pic:

Manohlo Dargis of The New York Times: “&hellip;neither romantic nor remotely comedic&hellip;”

Even Richard Roeper said the picture was an example of “&hellip;groan-inducing mediocrity.” (And he knows what he’s talking about on that score. Ba-doomp.)

Lou Lumenick, of the New York Post, came up with a line that particularly spoke to me: “Less funny or romantic than your average colonoscopy.” (Tell it like it is, bro.)

Roger Ebert was crisp in his dismissal: “&hellip;words fail me&hellip;”

John Anderson of the Wall Street Journal: “&hellip;shameless&hellip; vaguely satanic&hellip;”

Cliff Doerksen of the Chicago Reader: “&hellip;valueless as entertainment&hellip;”

The reliable Lisa Schwarzbaum of Entertainment Weekly gave Valentine’s Day an F and said: “&hellip;every joke falls flat&hellip;”

And now the man who is always right, Todd McCarthy, of Variety: “&hellip;gooey&hellip;”

Some critic I’ve never heard of, Brian Orndorf, who has a Web site, had a line that leaped out at me: “&hellip;an affront to the art of love&hellip;”

And my old pal Rex Reed of The New York Observer: “&hellip;lame and contrived&hellip;”

I quote these lines as a tribute to my old friend Garry Marshall. He may have fallen a long way since The Flamingo Kid (nice little picture, Flamingo Kid), but he still has a gift. And given that Valentine’s Day is likely to have a short box-office life, let us also consider this post a Viking send-off, of sorts. For I anticipate that Leo DiCaprio and Marty Scorsese will take the top spot this coming weekend.