is 'biscuit can' some sort of non-onomatopoetic euphemism or slang with which I am unfamiliar?

Heh, no it's an actual can of biscuits.

You pull the paper off how it tell you then it's suppose to pop open.
Only it doesn't. So you pull off every little freaking piece and still doesn't.
Then you press a spoon to the seams... still nothing.
You twist. You pull.
It doesn't open.

You finally get super annoyed after spending five minutes trying to open the freaking can so you can make biscuits, slam it down on the counter and pop. It opens.

You pull the paper off how it tell you then it's suppose to pop open.
Only it doesn't. So you pull off every little freaking piece and still doesn't.
Then you press a spoon to the seams... still nothing.
You twist. You pull.
It doesn't open.

You finally get super annoyed after spending five minutes trying to open the freaking can so you can make biscuits, slam it down on the counter and pop. It opens.

You pull the paper off how it tell you then it's suppose to pop open.
Only it doesn't. So you pull off every little freaking piece and still doesn't.
Then you press a spoon to the seams... still nothing.
You twist. You pull.
It doesn't open.

You finally get super annoyed after spending five minutes trying to open the freaking can so you can make biscuits, slam it down on the counter and pop. It opens.

Now wonder my phone started being stupid. You started slamming shit against the counter!

You pull the paper off how it tell you then it's suppose to pop open.
Only it doesn't. So you pull off every little freaking piece and still doesn't.
Then you press a spoon to the seams... still nothing.
You twist. You pull.
It doesn't open.

You finally get super annoyed after spending five minutes trying to open the freaking can so you can make biscuits, slam it down on the counter and pop. It opens.

Skip that spoon crap, and just go straight to banging it on the edge of the counter. Works every time.

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You swim like lions through the crest
And bathe yourself on zebra flesh