Sunday, December 30, 2012

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

More than 200 passengers on the Queen Mary II were sickened with vomiting and diarrhea on a $5,000 cruise. If that’s what they were looking for they could have gotten the same thing for half the price over on Carnival.

A Chinese woman claims to be the oldest person in the world at age 127 instead of a Japanese man who was recently named the oldest at 115. The best way to settle this is to wait about a week.

Oliver Stone says the U.S. has become an Orwellian state. Although people wouldn’t mind a little government censorship if it would save them from paying $10 to see Stone’s “Alexander”.

The AKC says that dognappings are up 70% across the nation. To which the NRA says that would be solved if professional dog walkers were licensed to carry AK-47s.

The AKC says that dognappings are up 70% across the nation. It would be even higher except for the idiots who try to steal Pit Bulls from their yard.

The State Department has issued a travel advisory for Haiti. Is that really a problem, too many Americans wanting to travel to and spend their vacation time in Haiti?

One of the top scholars of Benjamin Franklin’s papers, Claude-Anne Lopez has died at age 92. Apparently she knew them so well because she was the one who took dictation from Franklin to write them.

Kate Winslet has been given a $200,000 ticket to space from Richard Branson. Apparently she turned it down since the in-flight movie was scheduled to be “Titanic”.

The House Ethics Committee has found no violations by lawmakers and staffers who used a VIP loan program, saying allegations of special treatment fell outside the panel’s jurisdiction. Because what would getting discounts from a company that helped start the mortgage meltdown have to do with ethics?

The House Ethics Committee has found no violations by lawmakers and staffers who used a VIP loan program, saying allegations of special treatment fell outside the panel’s jurisdiction. Apparently the panel figures as long as no one was killed, there is no real problem.

The House Ethics Committee has found no violations by lawmakers and staffers who used a VIP loan program, saying allegations of special treatment fell outside the panel’s jurisdiction. People were shocked. There is a House Ethics Committee?

The FDA has approved a pill that could prevent strokes. The only problem is that the patient suffers a heart attack when they get their prescription bill.

A French court has rejected a 75% upper income tax rate. The French people are furious. For one thing, the tax would have helped solve the country’s economic problems. For another, it made Gerard Depardieu move away to Belgium.

Government data says flying is at its safest since the dawn of the jet age. Of course, they aren’t talking about the things you have to do to get past the TSA agents in order to get on the plane in the first place.

Government data says flying is at its safest since the dawn of the jet age. Mostly since airlines quit serving in-flight meals.

The FCC is acting to expand in-flight Internet service. The airlines don’t care if the passengers just use it to go online to complain about how bad the flight is as long as they get to charge them $50 to do it.

The FCC is acting to expand in-flight Internet service. The only real problems will come around when they try to let people use their cellphones on flights.

For the sixth year in a row, gift cards were the top request for presents during the holiday season. The #2 request is that the gift card not come from a store that has “Mart” in its name.

A new use for hair transplant technology is being used to give women fuller eyebrows. The only problem is when the brows become permanently furrowed after they get the transplant bill.

A new use for hair transplant technology is being used to give women fuller eyebrows. It’s not sure how successful the procedure is yet, but so far it is very successful at transplanting money from the patient’s credit card into the doctor’s wallet.

Researchers say that surgeons leave a foreign object inside a patient 39 times a week. The worst part is when the patient opens their surgery bill to see they are being charged for the hemostat that is now rattling around in their rib cage.

Toxicologists are warning parents that children are using common household kitchen items to get high with. Of course that could be better than what most other kids are doing with common kitchen items. Becoming morbidly obese.

Memorabilia authenticators say that Elvis and the Beatles are the most often forged signatures. Entertainment experts are shocked. Elvis could write?

Memorabilia authenticators say that Elvis and the Beatles are the most often forged signatures, with fewer than half on the market being genuine. Which is especially easy with Ringo Starr, since his signature was just an “X”.

Memorabilia authenticators say that Elvis and the Beatles are the most often forged signatures. One way to tell you have been had is if you look closely and they say “Elvis Parsley” and “John Lemmon”.

Memorabilia authenticators say that Elvis and the Beatles are the most often forged signatures. Elvis collectors are also being stunned to find out that many of their autographs of Bigfoot and the Area 51 Alien are also turning out to be fake.

Kevin Smith says that “Clerks III” will be his last effort as a director. Mostly because after 20 years of directing the only job he can get is for “Clerks III”.

Kevin Smith says that “Clerks III” will be his last effort as a director. That is if you count “Clerks” and “Clerks II” as efforts.

Lindsay Lohan is reportedly spending $250,000 on redecorating her house. Or as she usually refers to $250,000, “bail money”.

Lindsay Lohan is reportedly spending $250,000 on redecorating her house. Apparently she is taking out all her furniture and replacing it with bunks, toilets and bars on the doors and windows to make it feel more like home.

Lindsay Lohan is reportedly spending $250,000 on redecorating her house. Apparently she is going to make it look exactly like the place she spends most of her spare time. Promises Rehab Center.

A survey says that one in four Americans owns a tablet. The other three are still trying to figure out how to get their VCR clock from flashing “12:00”.

A California inventor has created a new, more efficient pencil sharpener. To which everyone under 30 is asking “What’s a pencil?”

A California inventor has created a new, more efficient pencil sharpener. Which is great news for all the unemployed people in California who are standing on street corners selling pencils.

A study says that hard work and not natural talent is the key to improving math skills. Just look at Congress. You don’t put the entire country into a $16 Trillion deficit just by accident.

A study says that hard work and not natural talent is the key to improving math skills. And if you get good enough in math, you end up getting a job doing studies about how to improve math skills.

Crime in New York City is up, and Mayor Michael Bloomberg is blaming it on iPhone thefts. Although the best way to deter thieves is when they take your iPhone, tell them your wireless provider is AT&T.

Crime in New York City is up, and Mayor Michael Bloomberg is blaming it on iPhone thefts. Apparently the thieves have given up on finding anyone who still has any cash on them.

MTA in New York has developed an app that has real time information on subway arrivals. It can also tell exactly how long you have in any one location in the subway system to stand around before being mugged.

Former Congressman Dick Armey is defending the $8 Million in consulting fees he took when he left political group FreedomWorks. He says the money will guarantee he will “Never have to work again forever.” He was in Congress for 18 years and then became a lobbyist. When has he ever worked?

Idaho Republican Senator Michael Crapo was arrested for DUI. Apparently it was a bit of a mix up. Officers figured he was drunk and saying his name backwards when they pulled him over and heard him say “Oh, crap!”

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! This will be my last blog for the year. My New Year’s resolution will be to write nothing but funny jokes. Which is about as realistic as your resolution to lose weight. But you can resolve right now to try to remember to make sure to send the love every day!