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Wearing Granny…Human Remains as Jewellery

Yesterday an article got my full attention to the point of having to stop everything that I was doing. If you aren’t aware of what I’m about to tell you then it might just stop you in your tracks as well. Here it goes…

Apparently there’s a company in Switzerland that takes your loved ones, cremates them at a very high temperature (obviously after they’ve died) squashes them down with heavy pressure and voilà the ashes of your granny turns into a diamond for you to wear! Can you believe that? Well, I for one could not wrap my brain cells around it.

For some reason it kind of freaked me out. I mean not totally, but enough for me to do some thorough research on the matter via my trusty investigator pal, Google. The more I searched, the more stunned I was, which was accompanied by sprinkled jimmies of intrigue. Turns out, England has this service as well… who knew! Apparently, from the look of things, there must be a pretty high demand out there to wear your loved ones ashes on you. Again, WHO KNEW!

Sites such as the Bored Panda and The Daily Mail have written articles about people who have actually done this procedure. There was even one guy who diamonded up his Momma and then took her on a road trip around the States.(This would be my exact expression of my mind being blown. Side note: I love Star Trek more than life)

You know what, to each their own I say. If someone wanted to cherish a person’s life by wearing them as jewellery then who am I to protest about it. But for me it is not an idea I even want to entertain. I’m more of a cherish your loved ones through memories, photographs and videos kind of gal. Being able to look back at the memorabilia makes me relive the moment. It brings back the smells of flowers, freshly cut grass or even my grandma’s sent of home cooked food and rubbing alcohol. She solved everything that life threw at you with those two things. No joke. Lets just say, I was a fat kid waddling around with the scent of an eau de parfum of rub o’ alcoholé.

The point is I like looking at images. I don’t think I can cope with a diamond that was once my granny or grandpa. Further more I am certain that I will not be doing this procedure to my own parents when they pass away. If I brought this idea to them they would lecture me, cry and say, what have they done as parents that was so terrible to deserve something like this. They both have a traditional Greek mentality. They want to be buried, end of discussion. I’m also pretty sure my mom would haunt me for the rest of my life through that diamond if I went through with it. So to avoid their spirits tormenting me I will stick to their wishes by getting them a nice plot somewhere together, side by side. My mom wants the side by side thing. My dad on the other hand, wouldn’t mind being on the other side of the cemetery. If he were allowed to voice his opinion it would be along the lines of ‘Listen, I’ve heard her nagging for decades so I think I deserve a nice location somewhere in the Caribbean and she could go back to Ohio.’

Just for the sake of it, let’s say I went through with it and went and got two diamonds on a necklace, one of my mom and one of my dad. People will surly stop and say,
“oh what a lovely pair of diamonds you have around your neck! Where did you get them from?”
“Oh these, thanks. They are my parents.”
“Wait, you mean your parents bought them for you as a present, right?”
“Oh no, I mean they are literally my cremated parents compressed as diamonds.” Could you imagine the long pause and confusion. I think on the plus side, it would most definitely be a great conversation piece though.

The worst possible scenario would be if a guy I was seeing commented and liked my necklace. No actually, what’s worse is if I was about to do some 50 shades of naughty with him and he commented on the diamonds.
“Oh thanks baby. These are my parents. You wanna say hi before we fuck each other nasty?” And with that, the only 50 shades you will be getting up to is the 50 degrees of how flaccid his penis will be. Or playing the game of where’s willie? It will be so inverted up within himself that there will be no way of you ever finding it.

Here’s a thought people. What the hell would you do if you ever lost the jewellery? Would you be going round saying to people that you’ve lost your mom and dad?
“Help me look under the cushion god damn it! Find them! Oh no wait, I by accident flushed mom and dad down the toilet.” And there your parents go, right off into the Atlantic. Literally swimming with the fishes. You wouldn’t be able to tell people you lost them. So what would you do? You would get your sorry self down to a jeweller that’s what; buy two new diamonds and put those two bad boys on that chain and lie for the rest of your life. Sorry to say, but you are going to go straight to hell…

I know people have their own way of grieving and remembering the dead. If this is the new frontier then so be it. I mean it could be worse I suppose. I could have read articles about how people have started to taxidermy their loved ones. Imagine that! You go over to visit your friend to give her some flowers and say your condolences and there’s her grandma sitting right on the couch watching TV.
“Oh, I’m so sorry I thought your granny died. But clearly I made a huge mistake.”
“No silly, you were right, this is my granny! It’s the new thing that people are doing. Isn’t it great? We have such great conversations while we watch ‘Dancing with the Stars’. Boy does she love the fox trot.” I would pause after hearing all this and just when my brain slowly registered the fact that I am actually re-enacted a scene from ‘Silence of the Lambs’ is when I will politely excuse myself, quickly book a flight, pack up my shit and move my conservative ass to the Antarctic.

Huh, suddenly creating a diamond out of granny’s ashes doesn’t seem so bad after all. It most certainly isn’t the freakiest shit we could come up with now is it.