SOUTHERN Rail’s punctuality has improved by 68 percent after the franchise was taken over by a 16-year-old on work experience.

The nation’s least popular mode of transport after the catapult is now in the hands of Nathan Muir, who quickly confirmed he was infinitely better at it than Southern’s previous bosses.

Muir said: “I needed something to do other than masturbating all summer. Southern Rail asked if I knew anything about trains and I told them I used to have a Hornby toy set, which impressed them so much they started calling me ‘maestro’.

“On my first morning, I fired all the managers, replaced them with passenger representatives, and restarted talks with the unions.

“Then after lunch, I cut ticket prices, ended the policy of terminating services in a field, and installed free WiFi in every carriage.”

Muir added: “The WiFi will only let you watch porn and MMA, but I’m open to suggestions.”