SEATTLE, WA—Following the city of Seattle’s minimum wage hike in January, Carver Street Church of God has announced that the position of youth pastor will be filled by a self-service kiosk called MATT (Multi-Platform Automated Teaching Tool).

According to designers at ChrisTech, the base model MATT comes preloaded with everything a congregation may need from a youth pastor.

MATT can perform all of the following tasks:

Reference the latest films, television shows, and music

Provide encouragement after stinging “Bible Bowl” defeats

Offer theologically dubious analogies

Teach a “new songs” class on Tuesday nights

Fill in for a congregation’s regular minister on fifth Sundays

Fire off some “lit devos” at will

Play a “mean game of hacky sack.”

“MATT really is the perfect youth pastor,” says Paul Hoover, chief technology officer of ChrisTech. “A lot of young people find it increasingly difficult to connect with human beings, but MATT gives them a familiar screen.”

While the Carver Street Church of God is the first religious organization to give MATT a trial run, ChrisTech anticipates that by the end of 2025, more than half of all churches will have such a system.

“It’s only been six months, and we don’t even remember what life was like before MATT,” elder George Herman told The Babylon Bee. “He does everything our former youth pastor did without complaining, without being paid, and without requiring a background check.”

In the near future, ChrisTech plans to introduce new features, such as the hotly anticipated “MobileMATT,” an on-the-go youth pastor that uses proprietary software to tie pop culture figures and events to biblical characters and scripture.