"Howard Dean should take his
tax-hiking, government-expanding,latte-drinking, sushi-eating,
Volvo-driving, Times-reading, body-piercing, Hollywood-loving,
left-wing freak show back to Vermont where it belongs."
~ Iowa "Club for Growth" TV Ad

YO! YOSEMITE!!

Here's
to the sharp-eyed readers who caught my last "challenge".
Yes, We were actually in Snowsemite, not Yellowsnow, for the Bracebridge
banquet this Orange Alert Xmas past. The seven-course formal feast
was held as usual at the "Shining" Ahwahnee Hotel, which
means "Gaping Mouth." No kidding...

It
actually did snow Christmas morning and stopped not til we awoke
the next day to glorious sunlight illuminating the icy cascades
and towering, cloud-clad cliffs surrounding us.

It
was breathtaking. And picture taking, too. For digital snaps,
go to my site.

"If you're alive, you've
got to flap your arms and legs, you've got to jump around a lot,
you've got to make a lot of noise, because life is the very opposite
of death." ~ Mel Brooks

VOICE OVER? NOT YET!

And
the feast continues, as 2004 finds me with more on my plate than
I've had for a long time, for which I'm extremely grateful. Listen
for me in radio and TV campaigns for Toshiba Office Machines, Twin
Falls Federal Bank and Carrier Heating and Cooling, this first quarter.
Also, there's an important V.O. meeting at the SAG/AFTRA headquarters
next Thursday, Jan. 22 regarding inter-active employment. Come and
interact!

I'll
also be singing Russian songs and performing a small role in "The
Anniversary" -- one of four short plays in "ChekovX4"
at the Antaeus' new 44-seat Studio Space on Vineland through the
end of March.

For
more information and tickets, go to www.antaeus.org

"To see where you're
going, you have to look within." ~ Dr. Walker, Church of Religious
Science

PRAY FOR THE DAY

So
far this morning, God,

I'm
doing all right.

I
haven't gossiped,

I
haven't lost my temper,

I
haven't been greedy,

Grumpy,
nasty, selfish, or

Over-indulgent.

I'm
really glad about that.

But
in a few minutes, God,

I'm
going to get out of bed,

And
from then on,

I'm
probably going to need

A
lot of help.

"Every
child needs an honest adult in their life." ~ Mr. Rogers

LOSS IS MORE IN 2004

It's
2004. There's a lander on Mars and men in constant orbit around
the earth. We're gonna build a Moonbase, shuffle off the Shuttle
and pave the Red Planet.

You
can buy a robotic vacuum cleaner. The LavNav is an electronic device
that affixes to the inside of your toilet seat cover and alerts
you by a red or green light if the seat is up or down. Thirty years
after Woody Allen's "Sleeper", an Orgasmatron has been
patented to get an implanted babe off at the touch of a button.
A white-tailed deer has been cloned exclusively for hunters. It
should be called "Blambi".

A
Swiss-based underwear maker has developed a high-tech bra which
it claims will help women quit smoking through capsules giving cigarettes
an unpleasant taste and soothing withdrawal symptoms. The bra is
also treated with liquid titanium to break down cigarette smoke
in case of any second-hand fondling.

A
war is being waged between the Extreme Right Wing factions of Islamic
and Christian Fundamentalists and we're all in the middle of it;
and in spite of a 1995 promise to stop baptizing dead Jews, including
David Ben-Gurion, Anne Frank, Moshe Dayan, Albert Einstein and the
founder of the Zionist movement, Theodor Herzl, -- a Mormon official
admitted that more Jews may continue to be baptized posthumously.

And
of course, Pat Robinson says God wants G.W. Bush to be re-elected.

Hippy
Nude Rear!

"With
a donut in each hand, all things are possible." ~ Sign in a
donut store

"It's sleepytime in Neverland
when the big hand is on the little hand." ~ Phil's Phunny Phacts

DOING THE NUMBERS

1.)
Put the first 3 digits of your phone number (no area code) into
a calculator.

2.)
Multiply by 80.

3.)
Add 1.

4.)
Multiply by 250.

5.)
Add last 4 digits of your phone number, twice.

6.)
Subtract 250.

7.)
Divide by 2. Call yourself "busy."

"Nothing
is free. That is a given." ~ Realist James Wilks

HE'S WAY OUT THERE

Planet
explorer and satirist Bob Harris writes from Bangkok in the middle
of his "40th birthday round-the-world trip" to say that
"Here in Bangkok, I had the chance to peruse something called
Schmuck magazine...

"In
Bloemfontein, South Africa, you could probably buy it in a family-reading
chain called 'Cum Bookstores'. And if you want to hide behind shades
while browsing there, you can buy high-fashion designer sunglasses
in Singapore at kiosks run by 'Commode'."

Happy Bangkock, Bob.

"Diplomacy is the art of saying
"good doggy!" whilst looking for a stick"~ Attributed
to Talleyrand

COCK-A-DOODLE-DOS

The
bullstory I passed along last orbit is actually a true story, I'm
informed by numerous "hysterions" including Richard Schulenberg,
who told me in person!

Seems
that when Calvin Coolidge was president, he and the Mrs. toured
a poultry farm and became separated.

Mrs.
Coolidge was shown a rooster and when informed that he was able
to mate several times per day, she told the farmer, "Tell that
to Mr. Coolidge."

When
the president got to that part of the tour, the farmer said Mrs.
Coolidge insisted that he be told about the rooster's mating abilities.

President
Coolidge asked, "Same hen?"

"No,
of course not," replied the farmer.

"You
tell that to Mrs. Coolidge," said not-so-silent Cal; and ever
since, a male's ability to get it on, more often, with multiple
partners, has been known to scientists as -- the "Coolidge
Effect."

"Homerus Americanus
is a red, white and blue Maine Lobster. The pilgrims thought them
poisonous and used them for fertilizer." ~ Phil's Phunny Phacts

"The
early bird gets the worm. But then, you can also get a worm by drinking
a whole bottle of tequila." (Ben Schwalb, Severna Park)

"Laughter
is the best medicine, but in certain situations the Heimlich maneuver
may be more appropriate." (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

"If
you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, you're
probably the executioner." (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

"Each
dawn brings us a fresh start, because we never freakin' learn, do
we?" (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village)

"True
beajhington)

"It
takes a village to raise a child to hate all of the people in the
next village." (Charles Star, New York)

"Every
dog has his day. Of course, his day consists of smelling other dogs'
butts." (Mark Briscoe, Arlington)

"After the devastating earthquake
in Bam (sic) a New York Times reporter quoted a geophysicist named
Waverly Person." ~ Rob Lewine

FIRST HOWLER OF THE NEW YEAR

Keith
Mast writes that there was once a handyman who had a dog named Mace
who was a great dog except for one weird habit. He liked to eat
grass, not just a little bit, but in quantities that would make
a lawnmower blush.

One
day, the handyman lost his wrench in the tall grass while he was
working outside, and as it was getting dark, he decided to look
for it the next morning.

Upon awaking, he went outside and saw that his
dog had eaten all the grass in the area where he'd been working
and his misplaced wrench now lay in plain sight, glinting in the
sun. Grateful, he called the dog over to him and said,

"Ah,
grazing Mace, how sweet the hound, that saved a wrench for me."

"There are no censors now. I
can say whatever I want. It makes me so happy, I want to dance,"
~ Iraqi theatre student Yahid Ibrahim Elayh

NEVER TURN BACK

In
the latest issue of Leonard Maltin's fun and fact-filled newsletter,
Movie Crazy - For People Who Love Movies, he writes about "Soundies"
the pre-MTV 3-minute musical films cranked out in the 40s for then
ubiquitous "video jukeboxes."

Among
the many future stars who came to Hollywood to participate in the
craze was "Walter" Liberace; and I knew about this because
on tour with Proctor & Bergman, a former neighbor told me that
the day Lee received the early-morning telegram from the coast he
packed up his mom and brother George, and took off in the family
jalopy, never to return.

Several
days later, curious friends walked through the still open front
door to discover that everything was just as the Liberaces had left
it: breakfast on the stove, clothes on the floor - a past life virtually
abandoned for a new career. That's self-confidence!

Go
to www.leonardmaltin.com to subscribe.

"Never believe anything
until it has been officially denied." - Claude Cockburn

YOU SAY POTATO, I SAY COMPUTO

According
to Reuters News Service, German police reported that an angry customer
returned a computer he had just bought saying it was packed with
small potatoes instead of computer parts. The store replaced the
computer free of charge but became suspicious when he returned a
short time later with another potato-filled computer casing.

"The
second time he said he didn't need a computer any more and asked
for his money back in cash," a police spokesman said.

Police
are now investigating the man for fraud, says contributor Garry
Margolis.

"Your film sets off
our alarm for trace explosives. What medications are you taking?"
~ Query to an elderly passenger overheard at Albuquerque Airport

NO FOOLIN'

Produced
by UCLA Artist-in-Residence Hal Wilner, "America's Bravest
Thesbians and Troubadors" will be performing sequences from
the Firesign Theatre's first four most famed recordings, with musical
flourishes and onstage sound effects by Todd Rundgren, Capt. Billy's
Whiz Bang and others.

Featuring
John Goodman, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Howard Hesseman, Tim Meadows
and others including Brad Hall, Louis-Dreyfus' hubby. "Let's
Eat --Feasting on the Firesign Theatre" is a one-time-only
event on April Fool's Day at UCLA's Royce Hall in West Los Angeles.
The Firesign Theatre has bestowed our blessing on this event and
will attend as honored guests.

Tickets:
www.uclalive.org or Ticketmaster at 213.365.3500

Or
if you live in the Midwest, (brrrr), for a hot time, go to comic
pianist Bill Larkin's "Family Funtime", Sundays through
Jan. 25th at Donny's Skybox Theater, Second City, 1608 N. Wells
Street, Chicago. Reservations: (312) 337-3992 or www.secondcity.com

"The
large print giveth, and the small print taketh away." ~ Tom
Waits

"Politics is
not about power [or] money [or] winning for the sake of winning.Politics
is about the improvement of people's lives. It's about advancing
the cause of peace and justice in our country and in our world.
Politics is about doing well for the people..." ~ Senator Paul
Wellstone