P. B. Law

BOSTON, May 1, 2013—The International Mindfulness Foundation (IMF) today announced that mindfulness has officially succeeded in conquering the world. “Now that global leaders in business, government, the military, health care, academia, and the media have fully embraced the practice of mindfulness at home and in the workplace,” stated IMF chairman Hugh Briss at a major press conference, “we at IMF have declared full and final victory in the war on mindlessness.”

Standing before a banner proclaiming “Mission Accomplished,” Briss read from a list of activities of global importance that used to be done mindlessly but now have been brought into the full light of mindfulness. “Before, the President ordered drone strikes, but now he orders drone strikes mindfully. Before, corporate executives fired thousands of workers and raised their own salaries, but now they fire thousands of workers mindfully and raise their own salaries mindfully. The list goes on and on.”

When asked whether industry skeptics might use the same data to argue that, contrary to the IMF’s claim, the world had actually conquered mindfulness, Briss replied curtly, “This industry has no skeptics.”

In a related news item, officials in the Department of Health and Human Services have announced that, in response to high-level plans to reduce Social Security benefits, HHS has contracted with the IMF to produce a video teaching on the practice of mindful eating to senior citizens throughout the country. According to HHS spokesperson Anne Onimous-Cogg, “Studies have shown that people enjoy their food more when engaged in the practice of mindfully chewing and savoring. Given that senior citizens chained to the new consumer index will be forced to decrease the amount they eat, we hope that learning to savor every remaining morsel mindfully will allow them actually to increase their eating enjoyment.”

Due to budgetary constraints, HHS hopes to fund the video by offering prominent product placement to the makers of Sun-Maid Raisins and Lipton Tea.