Dear Anonymous,

Please consider this as a formal request calling for your resignation as supervisor of this mind and body.
Whilst your efforts to maintain a strong and resilient work ethic have been appreciated, it has become apparent that you have failed to manage the responsibilities expected in your position, and have been deemed unfit to fulfil the necessary requirements to govern this organism.
Any further promises you make henceforth may be considered but will be subject to suspicion.

You have failed to show that being thin will solve everything.
It is clear that your aim to be thin, and thinner still, is not only detrimental to physical functioning, but is also fundamentally flawed in it’s intentions.
You promised being thin would fill the gap between this body and it’s previous tenant. You promised making it smaller and sharper would result in the restoration of Ellie to herself. Thus far, it has only pushed her into estrangement.

Being thin has not made this body strong.
Being thin has not bought me a sense of belonging.
Being thin has not cleansed me of shame, and of shameful memories.
Being thin has not purged me of the memory of unwanted sexual advances and attention.
Being thin has not eased the anxiety.
Being thin has not made me less sensitive to hurtful comments and behaviour. It has not made me untouchable. It has not made me happy.
Being thin has only made living a fight for survival.

The pursuit of “thin perfection” has been documented in a diary I have kept throughout the last two years.
Through this I can mark the steady alienation of Ellie, and my descent into Anorexia. It isn’t an easy read.
All this time, I have been tracking Anonymous’ rise to power.
I am disgusted and angry at my own demise.
“Weak.”

You did not lift the burden of worry and discomfort by making it thin.
You bullied me into submission and took away Ellie.
You took advantage of Ellie’s already frail sense of self worth. She valued herself based on outside factors that she had no control over.

You denied me food but fed me lies.
The false and twisted power of self starvation.

Despite the compromised position you have put her in, Ellie has expressed the desire to be reunited with her body and mind.
Ellie has stressed that she is worth more than her body.
Should her application and progress through the recovery process be successful, there is promise for the future.

I am trying to do something scary each day: this green juice was definitely one of my finest moments!Ellie knows there is so much to live for.
Ellie knows if she stops wearing masks, people won’t take her at face value.
Ellie knows that she cannot control what other’s do, but she can control how she reacts.
Ellie will fight for this body and will fight for her mind.
Contrary to your lies, Anonymous.

My friends, family, and the response I get from this blog is pulling me out of Anorexia.
From both myself and Ellie: thank you.

I have been terrorised into thinking of food as a luxury.
Ellie knows that nourishment is a sign of self love, and with every bite she is acknowledging herself. With every bite, she is accepting herself.
Anonymous, no wonder you’re screaming so loud.

Aren’t you getting as tired as I am?

Regards,
An Angry Anorexic.

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Published by missellie808

I have a friend called Anonymous. What is more romantic than the unknown?
She has given me goals, satisfaction.
She has taught me endurance.
She has taught me to put food in my mouth, and taste only guilt and shame.
She has taught me to relish the pain: our favourite date is self punishment.
She has given me an identity.
She is so good at surprises too! Just last week, I found she had given me Osteoporosis in my spine; Osteopenia in my hips; a BMI of 12.8; a weight of 38.9kg; and a weak heart.
"Near fatal", the doctor said. "Severe". Oh, she loved that.
They want to put me in hospital. She says I don't need anyone else, I have her. We will be together forever, she says. She is very supportive you see.
Anorexia Nervosa: my friend called Anonymous. Because what is more terrifying than the unknown?
Despite advice, I am choosing to fight this battle as an outpatient. I am doing this for and with my family. I want to be Ellie again.
This is me, choosing to recover from Anorexia Nervosa in a city obsessed by food.
Here is my journey xx
View all posts by missellie808

Hi Ellie – I came across your blog via Jodie, and just wanted you to know that I keep looking for new posts with updates on your journey. You write beautifully! And I think your writing shows a strength of spirit and determination.

Ellie, your story really is beautiful. Your way of writing conveyed an extremely important point for everyone in society. Thank you so much for sharing this story. My goal is to create an enviornment for girls to learn how to eat healthy. If you would like to check out my blog focused on educating girls about topics like these and how to eat nutritiously, my page is: http://www.talkbyvictoria.wordpress.com.
Ellie, again, this is a very powerful piece of work. I know, just from your writing, how wonderful of a person you are and how you will rise above this.
Best wishes,
Victoria

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