9 reasons you should never date a British girl

1. She will out-drink you.

Most of my adolescent memories involve sitting in the park with my pals, getting shit-faced on a sharing-size bottle of White Ace. While typing that sentence literally makes me gag now, it proves that we British girls have a pretty high tolerance for alcohol.

Whenever I’m making arrangements to meet up with someone, it’s very rare that I’ll suggest a coffee — it’s usually a ‘boozy lunch’ or meeting for drinks in the evening. We like to bring our good friend Alcohol into all of our social activities, and why wouldn’t we? We’re far less snooty and miserable about the London rush when we’re drunk. So when you take a British girl out, be warned that she will keep the drinks coming long after you were ready to call it a night.

2. She is going to fill your phone memory up with things you don’t really give a shit about.

A picture of a dog in a swing that she saw on her newsfeed, a photo of her coffee that morning with the cute little biscuit it came with, rants about all the shitheads she has to be nice to at work — your WhatsApp is going to be pinging from the minute you leave her to the minute you see her again with all the things that you’re missing.

Yeah, we know you don’t really give a shit and we actually don’t give a shit what you’re up to either — but if you don’t join in on the back and forth and send us a picture of the man you saw wearing socks with sandals on the tube in November, you’ll see our wrath.

3. You’re going to take her sarcasm way too seriously.

It will be a rare and triumphant moment when she tells you that she loves you or says something remotely nice to you at all. The rest of the time you’re going to be called an arsehole, dickhead, twat and if you’re really lucky… a cockwomble. Us Brits only show affection to dogs, horses, and our mums. It might be exhausting to have a conversation with us because you’ll have to keep reminding yourself that every day is opposite’s day. We might be known for being fairly stern and serious, but that’s because no one can tell when we’re joking.

4. She is nothing without a roast on Sunday.

Growing up in a British household teaches you many important life lessons. Like: the water follows the teabag, and once it’s brewed you may add the milk. You’ve gotta be a quick dunker so as not to lose the biscuit in said tea. One must be sarcastic at any given opportunity. And Sundays are meant for pyjamas and roast dinner. If you somehow stand in the way of your British girlfriend getting her Yorkshire pudding and gravy fix every Sunday, you’re not going to last.

5. She will never stop challenging you.

If your British gal sees something in you and you’re not living to that full potential, then you better believe she is going to push you. We don’t care if you’re a carpenter, a banker, a traveller, a teacher, an engineer or whatever — we want you to do whatever it is you’re meant to do. If we have to come home every day only to find that you’re miserable because you have a job that you hate, but can’t actually be bothered to do anything about it, then we’re not going to let up until you leave it. If you can’t handle that, then a British girl isn’t for you.

6. She is going to drink too much and you’re going to have to look after her fairly often.

Just because I said we have a high tolerance for alcohol, doesn’t necessarily mean we have learnt exactly what that tolerance is yet. Tequila, Sambuca, bloody Jagerbombs… we’re going to drink them all and fairly often. So be prepared to hold our hair and bring us water. And just because you’ve looked after us for one night doesn’t mean you’re off the hook for the next either. We need to be fed, have our hair stroked, and told that everything is going to be okay, we’ll live to drink again. If you’re not okay with watching Finding Nemo for the third time this month — because that’s the only film that makes her feel better — then keep walking.

The English language has tonnes of idioms and slang that differentiate between different regions and other English-speaking countries. If she and her friends have a specific way of talking then she is going to speak quickly and you’re going to have to keep up. And don’t expect her to explain to you what a ‘cheeky nandos‘ is.

8. She’ll laugh in the face of your healthy living.

When the general climate all year round can easily be described as a bit ‘meh’, one of her only enjoyments is going to come from chocolate and sugar. We eat kebabs after a night out more often than we’ll admit and we’ll also need something greasy to get us through the following day.

9. If and when you guys break up, she is going to be an absolute mess.

It’s pretty difficult to get a real hold on we British girls’ feelings. It takes us a pretty long time to wear our hearts on our sleeves so to speak, so if you’re going to date us, make sure you’re in it for the long run because we don’t do clean breaks.

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