She’s Just A Child

This post has been sitting in my draft folder for over a month. I’ve written it. I’ve deleted it. I’ve written it again. I’ve edited it. I’ve cried. I’ve yelled. I’ve been sad. I’ve been protective. I’ve been angry. I’ve tried to forget that I even started this post.

After I let it sit again – and by “it” I mean the encounter as well as my heart, I almost decided just to walk away and let this go. But I think that maybe it’s something that people should hear.

So I’m hitting publish right now. And I’m vowing not to walk away from this issue and be silent. I’m doing this for our daughters.

******

Dear Mom At The Gap,

She noticed you too. She did. My daughter did. My child. She heard you. She heard every word that you said. She saw the look on your face as you said it. And you hurt her.

And instead of being excited about a new jacket that I offered to buy for her for her birthday, she told me that she didn’t want it and asked if she could just wait for me outside of the store while I finished with my return. I asked to go with her, but she told me to just stay in the store and finish as she was fine.

I watched her through the store window. Her head down as she sat holding hands with her little sister. I kept my eyes closely on her as I stood in line. Wanting to be near her and explain what just happened. Because she’s a child. A child.

I thought about grabbing the jacket she loved again and buying it for her anyway as a surprise. But would it always remind her of what she heard. What you said.

Let me tell you a little bit about my child. My child that I’ve known for nearly 12 years. The child that you hurt – with your 10 second observation and shaming words.

My beautiful child was born a preemie. Weeks early in an emergency delivery, she was born tiny yet perfect in every single way to me. Her limbs were thin – without time in the womb to develop the beautiful baby-squish we all expect. She instead was angular, fragile, and fine. And even as she grew as a toddler and into grade school, her frame was always slight with beautiful and almost magical wispy limbs. Yet she grew tall.

You don’t have to look much further than her dad or to me to see where her body structure came from – we both have thinner frames, small bones if you will, and are tall.

My child is an incredible student. She’s grades ahead in math, was reading at a tenth grade level by first grade, and always finishes in the top during the school spelling bee. She also loves music and is a gifted pianist though you would never know as she only plays for herself(or for us if she thinks we aren’t listening).

My child cares deeply for others – watching her sisters, insisting on taking turns, never going first, and volunteering on the school community service club.

My child is quiet and doesn’t like to be the center of attention. She encourages others to take the spotlight and is an incredible cheerleader.

And my child is a beautiful dancer. She’s been taking dance for nearly eight years at a studio that embraces all children who truly love the sport.

Yet sometimes my child comes home from dance sad. Because she feels different. Looks different. She’s turning 12 soon – hormones raging, middle school angst starting, uncertain about life as she starts to define who she is, what she loves, etc. You remember the time of uncertainty, right? Sometimes she comes home from dance in tears because her legs look different or she can’t make them do what she should be able to do. Her legs are so long and thin that they truly do not come together. Do not touch. Do not work in many ballet positions. She is frustrated, yet doesn’t give up.

And I have those talks with her that all mothers do – that she’s beautiful and perfect and brilliant just the way she is. That her body is just the way it’s suppose to be. I tell her stories about my own adolescence and my thin legs, and about her grandmother getting teased in middle school when she was told it looked like she was “walking on toothpicks.” We giggle at how absurd life can be. And for awhile she forgets that she feels she looks different or “wrong” compared to others.

You see, my child is 11 -almost 12, with no signs of puberty anywhere except for the fact that she’s grown about seven inches in the past year while barely gaining an ounce of weight. She’s become almost as tall as I am – yet with the waist of a five year old, no fat cells to speak off, no hips, no breasts, and no other indication that she’s becoming a woman soon.

And I can give you the benefit of the doubt with your statement that perhaps because of her height – that you mistook her for someone maybe 16 or 17 – but that doesn’t excuse what you said. What you thought. What she heard.

Because she is not you. She is not even me. She is an individual who deserves better. To not be “skinny shamed” if you must when you said to your daughter “My god, look at how skinny that girl is – she’s obviously sick and anorexic and needs help.”

You have no right to judge another person. A child. How dare you decide you have the right to shame anyone because of their body or mind or by how they look. Why as a society do we continue to belittle and judge other women because of their looks and their shapes. Why do we continue to feed this industry that is intent on making us all want to be perfect – whatever that means. And as mothers, I expect better of all of us.

So my daughter, my child, fled the store with her baby sister to get away from you, when just moments ago she was happy and looking in the mirror at her reflection – wearing a jacket that she fell in love with. She’s gotten so tall this year that she can now wear ladies tops, and this was our first trip into a store to try something on in that department. She’s had a hard year – growing tall so quickly – do you remember that weird stage when clothing didn’t fit right. Everything was either too short or too long or too small or too big – that year or so as you transitioned from girls department to juniors? Yeah, that’s where she is. And this is happening while she already feels somewhat uncomfortable with her thin legs and height. It’s a hard road to travel with these pre-adolescent girls. How we find these moments of joy between the moments of uncertainty. And you, you just made it a little tougher for her.

After my child walked out of the store, I approached you and told you that I heard you and that SHE heard you and that you had no right to do that my child nor to your child. I told you that my daughter was 11 – and about the inches she’s grown, and the puberty not starting. But I shouldn’t have to do all of that explaining, because you should never body shame a child, or anyone. And you kind of apologized with a quick “I had no idea she was not a teen.” – but I need you to know that it’s no excuse. I need you to know that when I walked out of the store and took my child in my arms and talked about what happened, and that she’s incredible, and I explained what anorexic means – that even though she smiled when I suggested a Starbucks so we could just move-on with her day – that this encounter will most likely stick in her mind forever. You still remember things like this from middle school, right?

Somehow dammit – as mothers we need to stop the vicious circle of judging and shaming – and start figuring out how to better send messages of health and self-acceptance and love. And I know that’s hard to do – with increased societal pressures and plastic surgery Groupons in our inbox daily. But I truly believe it can be done and if we all just take a simple first step as mothers and women and just stop being so damn hard on one another.

Tracy

About Tracy

My name is Tracy Morrison and I live in sunny Minnesota. I'm neither British nor a nun - I'm just a Midwesterner with a headache. This is mainly a humor and lifestyle blog that documents the lighter side of parenting. I am an ex-corporate ladder climber turned freelance writer, social media manager, world traveler, and marathon runner. I would love for you to contact me at tracy@sellabitmum.com

You know what, though, Alexandra, I am good with comebacks when I’m not flustered, and my first response would have been way more crass than shuttup (in my head, once I read what she’d said, my mind said, “Bitch, what?” And then I threw a pile of perfectly folded sweaters at her head). I know this helps nothing, that kind of response, and Tracy was right to be more measured but she’s also right in what reason does she have to explain HER CHILD?

While this post might not get as much viewing as the nordstroms pillow post, (not that I can predict what will and won’t go round the world). I think this lesson is even more important to be learned.Katie recently posted..Moscato Christmas Sangria

Beautiful! I am so sorry this happened. I worry about it with my daughter. And I have a friend who has had similar comments made about and even to her daughter because of her build. Body shaming is never OK, but when aimed at a child, it is a special kind of cruel.

I love your heart and your mind, I imagine that if I had the same access to your daughter’s thoughts and ideas, I’d feel a similar love. As it is, one mom of three daughters to another, I understand every emotion that you had/have.

I cannot unring that odious bell, but I can pledge that I will add to your chorus of enough. I am in this with you and will do everything in my power to foster a much kinder world.

I’m SO sorry this happened to you and your beautiful daughter. Having two daughters with completely different body types I try to be so careful of how we talk about our bodies..even my own.
My girls are both in dance, too, and over the past few weeks, I’ve heard another mom tell her daughter that she’s starting to get too much ‘pudge’ in her tummy and needs to start cutting back. She’d grab her daughter’s stomach and pinch her little fat. Her daughter is EIGHT! She has baby fat still…and she is by no means a big girl. She’s said this in front of me and other mom’s but she’s also said it in front on my oldest daughter to which I’ve had to have a few talks with afterwards. It’s so sad that a mother could be this cruel to her own daughter. I was too taken back in the moment that I didn’t say anything to her (which I regret) but I did mention it to the studio director and she is so good about talking body image with her dancers. I wish everyone could realize that everyone is unique and that everyone has a story. Do NOT judge!

Thank you for hitting publish. I am sure this was not easy to write, but it is a perspective changer. I know what my 8 year old is talking about when she feels “different” when she stands next to her peers. It hurts that we cannot just be the shape and size God made us. Your powerful words are part of the solution. I know I can do better. Thank you.Hands Free Mama recently posted..If 2014 Tried You or Tested You, Do This

Thank you so much for your words. They always lift me up. We do need to change our perspective and just stop feeling like we have the right to judge anyone. We don’t walk in their shoes or know their stories. Love your huge heart. xoxo

I am so sorry that this happened, that she heard those words. I still remember hurtful remarks from years ago, so my heart breaks for her. I am so glad you said something to that person; you rock, mama.
And yes.. We do need to be kinder to each other. The judging really must stop.

Tracy I’m the friend that Elizabeth Ross mentioned above. My daughter will turn 18 on Friday and she has heard everything possible out of strangers, classmates and even friends. I went through the same thing when I was young. Megan is a highly intelligent young lady and has grown to LOVE her thigh gap, extremely long arms and legs…she has comebacks to everything anyone says now and I don’t worry about her. It’s a long road from 11 to 18 though so expect many tears, questions and bouts of silence from your daughter. Love her, hold her and tell her that people don’t think it’s wrong to call someone skinny…but it is. It never irritated me more than when one of my friends would say to Megan “You are soooo skinny”. I would have to explain to her that they thought that was a compliment. It’s just as bad as calling someone fat…no one does that as a compliment…right?

I would like to say so much about this, but I will leave it at this: there is no acceptable time, in my opinion, to comment on someone else’s body like that. Period. No matter their age, size, whatever. As my 7 year old gets older, it is more of a hot button issue for me and I am hyperaware of just how much people say things like this. Just the other night, two people in my life were commenting about another person’s body size in a way that was truly mindblowing (and I say that because there’s no way they would have said those things while she was there). So when people who are not even in our personal spheres say similar things, it brings it to nth degree. I’m so with you on this, and I hope you never stop talking about it. You are such a good role model for your girls.Kristen recently posted..Struggling in Silence

Maybe that woman will think about what happened in that store and her future thoughts and behavior will be different. I hope so, I am glad you spoke up in that store and that you are speaking up now here.
Being 12, or almost 12, is hard, I am so sorry that someone’s thoughtless words made it even harder for your daughter. Sending love and hugs her way.Shannon recently posted..This Is Adolescence – Seventeen

I am so glad you told her that what she did was wrong so hopefully she will never do that to another girl, of any size or age. Why would anyone say something like that, and to their own kid? Good Lord!

I am however, so sorry that your sweet, beautiful girl had to hear that Tracy. This happened to me too, when I was young and chubby, and it sits with me still. I HATE that. But I have always had people around me telling me that I am beautiful no matter what, just like your girl does and THAT is what really matters…

I am angry with you and for you and your daughter…and all daughters and sons. I’d like to believe that mother–the one who spoke without thinking–is a victim of the same social pressures we all feel. I’d like to believe that she will read this article in her news feed and something in her will shift. She won’t, of course, see herself as the villain, but she will remember a time when she felt like the victim of body shaming. And she’ll carry a piece of your wisdom with her. One mind at a time…

I want to throat punch that woman. How dare she.
I’m sorry that you and Eloise had to experience this. But you, your beautiful girl and your wonderful hearts, you will move on and get through this. Love you both!Alison recently posted..Through The Lens Thursday #50: Pair

tears in my eyes. Pain in my heart. So happy that you have put all this in words for all to read as a reminder how words can be so hurtful. Embrace this with even more love for the girls. I love you, Mom

I’m so sorry about this incident. People can be so stupid and cruel. It makes me crazy. You handled it so well, I can’t say what I would do if it happened to one of my kids.Angela Youngblood recently posted..DIY Trundle Bed (A Pinterest Poser Challenge)

It makes me so angry that people can be so quick to judge and to say those words outloud as if it’s their right to judge and that words don’t hurt. I’m so sorry that you and Eloise had to experience this but I am glad that you did hit publish and that you said something to the woman too. xoChristine @ Love, Life, Surf recently posted..6 Upper Body Exercises for Runners

Wow, how insensitive of this woman, and so clueless. My daughter has dealt with this, and so have I because of my daughter…. I love the following:

Don’t you feed her?
Is she sick?
Does she have a disorder?
You should feed her…….. (fill in the blank)

And so on and so on….. She has at 17 grown into her body and is an amazing athlete that has represented Illinois in the National Junior Olympics for the USAT&F Assoc.

When people say to her now that she has grown into her body, you don’t have much up top, she says, well when gravity takes over in years to come, I will look amazing, what will be your excuse….. She haas a great sense of humor….

I am so glad she has you as a soft place to land, but I am SO ANGRY for her — and you — that it happened. I remember every cruel thing I heard about my body in middle school, and I am already worried for my own sweet girl. I love that you talked about it with her instead of ignoring it, because you took away some of that bad feeling (not that E should have HAD to have a bad feeling about herself.) Ugh. I am not articulating myself very well, but you are a good mom.Angela recently posted..Sweet Silver Bells, Part 6

I hate that this happened to your dear daughter. I hope she will grow to understand that the world is full of people who have their own opinions about everything, including us, and that most of the time those opinions are all about that person and not really about us. As long as she is happy and healthy in her own skin, that’s what she should focus on.Andrea recently posted..If I was in charge. REALLY in charge.

I am SO glad you said something to that woman. Hopefully next time she will think before she speaks. And I really, REALLY hope that Eloise puts this behind her and knows that what that woman said was about her own issues and had absolutely nothing to do with Eloise. Please tell her I said that. She is beautiful just the way she is made, and she doesn’t need to fit into any mold.Jennifer recently posted..Christmas Movies to Stream on Netflix

You know what blogging and friendships like yours has given me? The ability to know there is always more than one story, one side and that I shouldn’t ever make hasty judgements because I don’t know the story behind what Im seeing and I need as a human being to Stop my mouth and reaction in those first moments.

Your daughter Id one of the most beautiful human beings on this planet. She us smart, beautiful, empathetic and giving. I know that is what ypu want the world to see and Im here to say…I do.

Oh my heart aches for your beautiful girl. I have been right there in those shoes- taking in the judging eyes of everyone you walk past in the mall, slowly chipping away at every ounce of preteen self worth I managed to scrape up. And without a doubt the heaviest stones ever cast at my fragile confidence were from adults. I wish I could tell you and her it gets easier, but somehow her confidence if not her physical being will grow thicker. Everyone has their own vulnerabilities, particularly at her age, though it is such a cruel lot in life to have it so publicly displayed.

My mother always stood up for me as well and always made a point to validate my own self worth and remind me that I was beautiful and most importantly that I was normal. She also made it a point to make sure I took notice of others’ vulnerabilities whether overt or hidden, to always teach me to reach out and stick up for others.

The sting for her will fade, though there will be plenty of other wounds. I wish you growing confidence Eloise, and the ability to see yourself in others and stand taller than the judgments.

I’m so sorry that this happened to Eloise. While I have never been nearly as tall as Eloise is now, I remember not hitting puberty until fairly late. I always felt like something was wrong with me. Most of my friends started getting their periods and developing breasts and hips really early, but I stayed child-like for the longest time. And while it was frustrating, there wasn’t much I could do about it.

Eloise is honestly one of the nicest, most beautiful young women I have ever met. It has been an honor being able to watch her (and your two other beauties) grow up next door to me. Please give her a big hug for me and tell her to ignore anyone who doesn’t recognize how drop dead gorgeous she truly is 🙂

Not cool, lady at the Gap. Not cool at all. WTF is wrong with some people?! Glad you wrote this, Tracy. My heart is aching for your daughter right now.Leslie recently posted..Menopausal Mania Quiz—Part 3

Thank you! I too have a very thin daughter. Not only is she naturally thin, but has been ill for several years. She consciously eats, because she knows if she skips a meal she’ll lose weight. So many kids at school shame her for being thin. Why can’t we accept each other’s difference?

I hope you gave her the “stink eye” along with your powerful message. May we all remember how easily our words can wound.

I am so sorry that this thoughtless person hurt her. My daughter is tall and thin like yours and people have asked me “does she eat?” Or “don’t you feed her?”. She has always been long, lean, great appetite, active and healthy.

In our society it is taboo to call someone overweight but thin kids are fair game for hurtful words.

Ugh. People don’t talk about other people’s finances because it’s “not polite”… yet some have no problem talking about/dissecting/commenting on someone’s body?!
My heart hurts for her, Tracy. I was her. I was so very much her.Jenni Chiu @ MommyNaniBooboo recently posted..Introducing… Side Effects of Motherhood

My first thought, was good for you! My second thought was my heart hurts for you and Eloise. My third thought? Someone needs to help THAT woman’s daughter because obviously no one ever told them that We DON’T treat people that way ever. We need to get past undercutting each other and move towards helping and loving each other. There is great and amazing power in that. What a wonderful household you have!

Tell Eloise it is really hard to undo stupid comments. and a lot of adults are REALLY good at stupid comments…..

I have an anorexic son who was sick. He was diagnosed at 11 and we spent 2-3 times a week at the Emily Program in St. Paul for 2 years. He is now 14 and is not sick but will always be labeled as “recovering.” As a result of our experience, I know how every single word can hang in a child’s brain and hurt. I have been there with my son. Anorexia is a horrible disease and for the woman in the store to “throw” around that word is inexcusable and reckless. Words can haunt. Thank you for sharing this experience…hopefully it can remind people to think before they speak!

As a person who used to be in the tenth percentile for weight as a child (not that you’d guess this these days), I get the whole skinny-and-can’t-do-a-thing-about-it thing. Luckily your daughter has you to help guide her through all of the changes she will go through as she grows up. I don’t know that anyone ever said anything about my weight back then. I don’t think parents felt so entitled back in the late 70s/early 80s. If they thought it, they probably wouldn’t have said anything within ear shot. What is wrong with people? People feel like they can say anything to anyone, like they have a right to do this.

Oh my. I feel that I would have just lost my mind right there in the store.
That woman is brave for having the nerve to say that while you are standing there. I would have made a scene as soon as my daughter stepped outside of the store.
It is sickening how people feel they have the right to be outright judgmental like that.
I am laying here now at 6 in the morning next to my son who was born at barely 5 lbs and I’m thinking of how many times people have told me how small he is or they hope he catches up. My answer is the same every time. He is perfect. He’s beautiful and I cannot wait to spend the rest of my life watching him grow up. He is the sweetest boy and will randomly come up tp give a kiss or a hug and ask “mommy are you alwight? ” He is only two, and he cannot be more perfect. I dare someone to speak of my baby in that Way, I guarantee it would be the last time they did it!!
My heart broke for your daughter when I read this and for you as well. Because I know that wait in the line was long and that walk back outside of the store was hard. Finding the words to explain someone’s unnecessary cruelty and it being someone another mother speaking to her daughter about it.
It is truly one of those moments one wishes they could put a cape on and hold your baby and cover them with it and block all of the cruelty and pain from them.
I know I have that image often raising my son and my stepdaughter.

Life is hard enough on children and teens these days. Much worse than when we were growing up. So why on earth would someone make it that much harder for someone else?

Thank you for writing this. For publishing it and for standing up not just for your beautiful daughter, but for girls and even some women across the nation. I unfortunately have been in your daughter’s shoes and not just at clothing stores. I even dealt with a doctor who would make sly comments about how there’s no way that my metabolism hadn’t slowed down yet from the ages of 14-18. I still get the comments sometimes when shopping and I’m 28. Fat shaming and skinny shaming are both horrible and we must all work together to put a stop to it. Shaming someone will never promote healthy lifestyle no matter which end of the spectrum they are on or if they need to be healthier or not.

I’m feeling so many things right now, having just read your post. I am a mother of an 8-yr old daughter and also a dance teacher. One of my wonderful former students (now a professional dancer!) shared your post because I think she can relate to your daughter. I, too, was the tall, skinny, often-awkward girl who loved to dance and read and learn, but who hit puberty late and never looked quite like my other friends. I have taught dance students across every age level, but primarily in grades 7-12 for over 20 years. Girls at this age are so vulnerable and yet they have a tremendous amount to say if you help them find their voices. My program welcomes all shapes and sizes and I am passionate in encouraging young girls to feel good about themselves when they move – not just in dance, but as they move through their lives. This includes being an ally to others and knowing none of us is alone. This world we live in does not always help elevate young people the way it should and they (like we grown women), are slammed at every turn with others’ ideals. Like you, I try to empower my daughter to be true to herself and to listen to her heart. But also like you, I find it hard to be level headed when faced with ignorant, thoughtless people. I’m glad you said something to that other mom, and I hope HER daughter heard you say it, too. Maybe they will both benefit from you wisdom. I know your daughter must be extraordinary, based on how you describe and adore her. Tell her to keep dancing if she loves it! The arts are a powerful way to express what lives in your heart. Thank you for your post, and for being amazing.
-from Laura, a mom in CA

Bravo to you for writing this….there are so many who need to read both sides of this story. I’m a middle school teacher, and know first hand how conscious both girls AND boys are of their changing bodies – you should see the different sizes and shapes that can show up in 7th and 8th grade classrooms! Teaching all our children to love themselves, their bodies and their potential is hard enough without senseless comments…I’m raising an 18 year old girl who loves her strong, slender body and treats it as a temple. I’m so proud to have put that energy into the world with her….thank you for doing the same.Jennifer Wolfe recently posted..Two Kinds of Quiet

Tracy this breaks my heart. I know your daughter is just the sweetest. I have never met her in person, but watched her grow through the years (since our girls were so little!) with all of your pictures and you can feel of her kindness. I am so sorry this happened. If I was there will you I would have given the mom a serious piece of my mind. I think so much of the girl drama in the world stems from thoughtless moms. I just hope that I can be a better example to my girls. Hugs to you and your sweet girl!

Ack the wrong, the so very wrong …
And you, you did the right thing, you defended her … and if you had taken the ‘high road’ and headed home and brewed over it forever … the conversation would not have come so easily with Eloise … but it did, because she knows your heart.
You did good.sisters from another mister recently posted..Party Girls …

Welcome

Hi and welcome to Sellabit Mum. My name is Tracy Morrison and I live in sunny Minnesota. I'm neither British nor a nun - I'm just a Midwesterner with a headache. This is mainly a humor and lifestyle blog that documents the lighter side of parenting three girls. I run marathons and love to talk about fitness. We also love to travel and model social good with our family. I am an ex-corporate ladder climber turned writer, social media maven(not really) and ruler of my own little universe(very small). Aren't we all. I would love for you to contact me at tracy@sellabitmum.com