This article was co-authored by Tasha Rube, LMSW. Tasha Rube is a Licensed Social Worker based in Kansas City, Kansas. Tasha is affiliated with the Dwight D. Eisenhower VA Medical Center in Leavenworth, Kansas. She received her Masters of Social Work (MSW) from the University of Missouri in 2014.

There are 21 references cited in this article, which can be found at the bottom of the page.

Everyone likes to get compliments, but both women and men prefer to be complimented for their personalities and accomplishments rather than for their appearance.[1]XResearch source Delivering a thoughtful and well-received comment to any woman is easy if you tailor it to your relationship and the situation. Whether it’s a woman you want to date, your boss or co-worker, or you’re a woman who wants to learn to better compliment her girlfriends, sincerity and selflessness are the building blocks.

Don’t give one too soon. Unless you are responding to an online dating profile or mutual friends set you up on a date, have at least one pleasant, personal conversation with her before you try to compliment her character traits.[2]XResearch source

Give her a chance to tell you about herself before indicating you know her in a personal way, even if your mutual friend has spoken profusely about her great qualities. Say "Roger told me you are really into volunteering," for example, instead of "You are a really generous person!"

If she is already a good friend of yours, and you suddenly start wanting a relationship, be especially careful about starting off too strong too quickly.

Avoid singling her out in groups. You have mutual friends, and are hanging out with the woman you like. Giving her compliments in front of others might make her feel put on the spot. Save it for when you two are speaking privately. [3]XResearch source

Highlight what makes her unique. Even comments about one’s personality can seem insincere if they are too common or obvious. Point out to her something that makes her an individual who you want to get to know better.
[4]XResearch source

Never use a cliché or obvious pick-up line. “I’ve never met anyone like you before,” or “You are a real keeper” are not compliments. If you can’t think of a compliment that doesn’t sound rehearsed or looked up online, opt not to give one at all.[5]XResearch source

Be specific when complimenting her sense of humor. What exactly about it is so awesome--her snarkiness, her ability to make puns hilarious when no one else can, or that it’s so similar to you own?

Make sure your comment is relevant. It should flow with the conversation or be related to what you are doing at that moment. Bringing up something wonderful about her character out of the blue will likely either make her uncomfortable by indicating your romantic feelings, or sound insincere.

Wait to tell her how much you admire her intelligence until you are having a philosophical discussion or watching a political debate, etc., not during a game of Ultimate Frisbee.[6]XResearch source

Note why this trait is important to you. She can have lots of good qualities that a lot of people won’t care about. Make sure she knows you are sincere by briefly stating why you care that she volunteers at the homeless shelter or goes regularly to the Buddhist meditation group nearby.[7]XResearch source#* If you don’t make a connection to her great quality or characteristic, then you are just giving false flattery.[8]XResearch source

Keep it short and sweet. A well-received compliment is succinct. You need two sentences at most—one to tell her what you admire about her and a second to qualify why this trait matters to you as a person.[9]XResearch source

Don’t give a whole treatise on how smart she is. She probably knows she’s smart and doesn’t need you to convince her.

Keep your compliments down to earth. Don’t “put her on a pedestal.”[10]XResearch source Even if you think she’s the most amazingly intelligent woman you’ve ever met, avoid such generalizations.

Think about how a celebrity might feel when a starstruck fan standing behind them in a long line at Starbucks starts delivering a ten minute speech about how amazing they are.

Don’t overdo it. If you are constantly giving this woman praise, it will start to come off as insincere or forced. Also, when you give out compliments all the time, they mean less. She might come to expect them and be hurt when you stop trying so hard.[11]XResearch source

Ensure your language is clear. Sometimes what we mean to say doesn’t come out the way we meant it. A lot of words have double meanings or multiple uses that make them ambiguous. Make sure you are clearly stating what you mean so that she can’t take it the wrong way.[12]XResearch source

”I love your rare [insert quality].” Is it rare in the general population, rarely a quality attributed to women, or rare as far as her typical behavior?

Instead, say “I think its wonderful that you are so [same quality] because you inspire everyone around you to be that too."

Also make sure you aren’t accidentally giving a back-handed compliment. “Wow, you are really funny today,” feels like “You aren’t usually funny at all. What a surprise!”

Be careful not to overstep your boundaries. Avoid compliments that are too familiar or inappropriate when praising your co-worker’s performance or your mother-in-law’s exceptional family values.
[14]XResearch source You are trying to make her feel good about herself and associate you with this positive self-image, not make her self-conscious or feel threatened.

Just like it would be inappropriate to tell a co-worker how sexy she is (regardless of any positive personality trait you try to pair this with), you wouldn’t tell her you bet she’s a really great wife no matter what you know about her marriage.

Praising your boss with, “That was an especially difficult meeting and you handled it with grace and assertiveness,” is much better than saying “Those guys were really gunning for you, but you really whipped them into shape!”

Tell your mother-in-law that she should be proud for raising a strong and compassionate, well-rounded daughter, rather than just saying she must be a good mom and/or wife. The first praises her for her character strengths and passing those on, the second implies her identity is based on her ability to play a stereotypical female role well.

Don’t compare what she is now to what she was before. In the same way that telling a woman, “Wow, you lost a lot of weight! You look great now!” can send her into a spiral of self-consciousness about others noticing her weight before, saying a co-worker is “really good at ___ now” references the fact that you didn’t think she was before. Concentrate on the present, not what you thought she was like before said improvement. [15]XResearch source

Watch your tone. It’s incredibly easy to sound insincere when complimenting someone you don’t know very well and want to impress. Saying the same thing in a different tone could come off as sarcasm or spite. Likewise, don’t sound overly excited or it will feel forced or superficial. Imagine her saying it to you first.

Give compliments that are selfless. No sincere compliment should ever benefit you, as the giver, at least not in an obvious manner. [16]XResearch source

Consider compliments gifts given for no reason. Tell your aunt she's excellent at creating her own dishes after having dinner at her house because you honestly enjoyed the meal, not so she will invite you again tomorrow.

Avoid fishing for a return compliment. Yes, you may want to impress or endear this woman to you, but your compliment should not make her feel like she is expected to give you one in return.

Avoid unintentional condescension, especially if you are male. You can ruin a perfectly good compliment by adding a diminutive like "sweetie," "honey," or "girl" at the beginning or end. Also, be careful not to give unsolicited compliments without an appropriate catalyst.

Telling your boss "You are really great at managing people" as you pass her in the lunchroom is not the best opportunity to show appreciation. Wait until she demonstrates that skill.

A good rule is to refrain from giving a female co-worker or academic partner any compliment you wouldn't give to another male.

Avoid envious overtones. Whether a co-worker you admire or your new mother-in-law, be sure to state your compliment in a manner that acknowledges her good qualities or successes without sounding like her new biggest fan. She may feel threatened by any suggested ambition to take her place in the office or in her place as the most important woman in her son’s life.[17]XResearch source

No one wants to be around someone who wants to be just like them. Instead, let her know that her traits inspire you to become a better version of yourself.

Don’t reinforce a stereotype. Women predominantly compliment other women on their appearance, which enforces gender stereotypes instead of acknowledging her individuality. [18]XResearch source Make a practice of starting conversations with another woman off with a compliment on her character or achievements before mentioning you love her outfit. And make sure it isn’t reflective of a stereotype or social constraint. [19]XResearch source

Imagine her saying it to you first and assess how you would feel.

Don't qualify a great compliment with "For a woman, you are really great at..." or "Most girls can't do ______ well."

Instead of telling a stay-at-home mom she is great at managing her kids and husband, tell her you are amazed by her ability to manage time or multi-task. Make what you say about her, not about how well she fits into a traditional female role.

Be sincere. Suck-up compliments can be good sales techniques for business people and customer service related jobs. But nobody wants to work with the car salesman that is obviously schmoozing them. Likewise, your fiancé’s sister doesn’t need to be your new bff. Only give compliments when you really want to, and mean them, not to “sell” yourself to them.[20]XResearch source

Qualify any comments on her appearance as evidence of a great character trait. Women tend to compliment other women on appearance right away, even though they would rather be complimented on character or performance.
[21]XResearch source Tell her she looks like she could take over the company in that amazing outfit, instead of just saying you like her suit.

Qualifying this physical compliment in this way can make her feel proud for promoting an image of herself as an intelligent, ambitious, and strong-willed business woman in a predominantly male-run field.

About This Article

This article was co-authored by Tasha Rube, LMSW. Tasha Rube is a Licensed Social Worker based in Kansas City, Kansas. Tasha is affiliated with the Dwight D. Eisenhower VA Medical Center in Leavenworth, Kansas. She received her Masters of Social Work (MSW) from the University of Missouri in 2014.