Singles in their 40s have a unique set of dating challenges. Sometimes the answer is found by looking in the mirror.

I am a 45-year-old SJM. I've never been married, but I was semi-engaged for several years. Before I met her, when I was in my early 30s, I was dating women of different ages -- from teenagers to 30-somethings.

Now that I'm 45, I find that women under 40 aren't interested in a man my age -- ostensibly because men over 40 who have never been married are considered anathema by single women. I've also found that women in their early 40s are either unbelievably picky or not Jewish. And I am not considering women my own age, because I want to get married and have children.

I am in excellent health and physical shape, well educated, fairly wealthy, reasonably good looking, interesting, great with kids, and my family is very well regarded. On dates, I spend all the money and do all the driving.

Why can't I find a reasonably pleasant, nice looking Jewish woman who's young enough to have children and wants to get married? Is there some secret formula that I'm missing?

Richard

Dear Richard,

You've identified a genuine problem that affects single men and women in their 40s and onward. The fact is that singles in this age bracket have more complicated lives than younger people, and it is definitely harder for them to be realistic about the qualities they should be looking for, to open up to someone else, and to overcome accumulated emotional baggage and reach the goal of marriage.

But don't despair -- there are 40-ish couples who meet and are happily married

Realistically, however, it isn't easy for these fortunate individuals. They started out like most unmarried men and women in their late 30s and 40s: personable, well-liked by friends, doing well at work, and feeling that most aspects of their lives are great, except for the fact that they are single. For some reason, they missed the mark when it comes to dating, and neither they nor many of their friends were able to understand why. They were too close to the situation to objectively identify what was keeping them from dating successfully.

In our years of experience working with singles, we have come to understand that every unmarried man and woman in their mid-30s and onward is held back by a barrier of some sort, or has recently been able to break through their barrier. This isn't a criticism, and it isn't an attempt to "blame" singles for their personal situations. It's simply a fact of life. We hope that you, and every other single who would like to marry in the near future, try to find out what is hindering your success. Since we don't know you personally, we can't even begin to guess what that is.

Virtually every single in this age bracket is held back by something, and the barriers are as different as the individuals who face them. Those people who have gotten married didn't see their barrier dissolve overnight. The women doesn't just wake up one morning and find dating success, and the "right person" doesn't magically waltz into each guy's life. Yet each of them managed to move beyond his or her personal impediment. How?

In every case, it happened through a combination of an intervening factor, and a concerted personal effort. The intervening factor could have been an epiphany of some sort, the wisdom of a self-help book (Shaya Ostrov's "The Inner Circle" and our own "Talking Tachlis" are two good starting points for older singles, and there are other books on the market as well), the support and guidance of a married friend who serves as a mentor, or the help of a professional therapist. Through this combination, motivated singles have changed their perspectives and found they can clarify what has been holding them back. They have also understood that they must devote time and energy to help themselves move forward through the barrier.

One of the barriers that people often face is the logistic difficulty of finding suitable dating candidates. You've mentioned your own problem with the pool of available women in your area, and we've heard this many times before. In truth, there is a big population of Jewish women in their later 30s and early 40s who truly want to get married. You are in a much more enviable position than they are, because there are many more marriage-minded women in this age bracket than there are marriage-minded men.

You are right that many of these women are still bogged down behind barriers such as unrealistic expectations ("unbelievably picky"), but there are still plenty of great women who have worked out issues that may have previously held them back. You need to look in the right places to find them, and be realistic about the qualities you would like to see in a future wife.

We understand why age is an important factor to you; you would like to become a parent in the near future. But there are no guarantees in any age group. All of us are aware of the statistics, but we also know that some 30-year-old brides will have difficulty conceiving and some 40-year-old newlyweds soon find themselves mothers of two young children. You also need to be realistic about the fact that women who are more than 8 or so years younger than you are not that interested in going out with you.

We'd like to say something else that you and others may want to give some thought. We understand the pain many women experience when their biological clock for bearing children has run out, and how difficult it is for many men to accept the fact that while they are physiologically able to become fathers, they might marry a woman who is able to bear children. What saddens us more is to see this painful reality become a barrier to these individuals' future happiness, because they lose sight of the fact that couples who do not have children also have happy, fulfilling marriages.

You may say that it's easy for us to say this when we have not personally experienced the distress these men and women feel, and that is true, to some extent. However, as professionals who empathize greatly with our friends and clients who face this fact of life, we hope that some of our readers in this situation will benefit from a thought that has helped countless others deal with deeply painful situations: Sometimes, the best thing you can do is to allow yourself to fully mourn your loss, and then begin to move forward. Only after we allow ourselves to grieve for the loss of something very dear to us can we accept our situation and slowly start to build a newly defined life for ourselves.

There are good people out there of all ages. We wish you the best in finding the right one for you.

About the Author

Questions for Rosie & Sherry can be sent to datingmaze@aish.com. Due to the large volume of questions received, they are unable to answer each one.

Rosie Einhorn (a psychotherapist) and Sherry Zimmerman (a psychotherapist and former family lawyer) are the authors of the newly-released book, Dating Smart – Navigating the Path to Marriage, published by Menucha Publishers. They are the founders of Sasson V'Simcha (www.jewishdatingandmarriage.com), a non- profit organization that provides programs and services in North America, Israel, and Europe to help Jewish singles and the people who care about them.

Visitor Comments: 17

(17)
wendy,
December 25, 2007 4:24 PM

seeking unequitable mates

There are always circumstances for age disparity and these add up to about 2%. So that for various reasons there may be significant disparity. However the number of men seeking much younger women is way beyond that. Women live about 8 years longer. Thus if that younger person is a male and or much less healthful there is good rationale for marriage there. finding a mate should not be all about initial physical attraction. Men are indulged in this programed visual to the detriment of natural selection and much else.

(16)
Tim Hautzinger,
April 7, 2007 10:09 AM

Missing the most difficult part in your advice column

Great advice on over 40 dating, but the suggestion that "you need to look in the right places" is not helpful. What places? Where do over 40 men find single women?

(15)
Anonymous,
September 2, 2005 12:00 AM

No wonder he's alone

I just read the letter from the 45 year old man that only wants a woman of child bearing age. Well, let me tell you this guy will be alone the rest of is life with that attitude. Adopt already. Who is to say you marry someone younger and she can have kids. Will you divorce her? From reading your letter, I think you would. I have seen more single men your age and older never married because they kept waiting for that perfect incubator. I actually try to avoid this demographic as a 40 year old woman. I much more prefer men who are divorced or divorced with kids. I'm looking for a relationship. If I can't have kids I'll adopt provided that is what my husband and I agree on. Hey, what about love? You know L-O-V-E?
Good luck; you're going to need it.

(14)
halley,
September 12, 2004 12:00 AM

unmarried men over 40

From what I have heard and experienced men who are over 40 and never married seem to be commitment-phobic. I have met more men who wanted to get physical early and date other women at the same time. I have learned not to buy it but it has kept me out of the running. It doesnt seem that these men can even commit to a dating relationship. Some of them I have met have never even lived with a woman. Talk about pickey..I find that men havr unreasonably high standards for beauty.

(13)
marlenny,
June 10, 2004 12:00 AM

This is a good site!

I like this site.It is cool.

(12)
Anonymous,
August 3, 2002 12:00 AM

To the angry over-45 men:

I hate to tell you this, but lots of women in their 30s and younger prefer men closer to their own age. That's just the way it is. People want someone from their own generation who they feel they have something in common with. Sure, there are some women in that age bracket who like older men, but I think they tend to be more the exception than the rule.

Why don't you find some woman close to your own age, especially one who LOOKS younger? There are women like that out there. Believe it or not, there are also actually women who've had babies in their early 40s, and beyond. Madonna had a baby boy when she was 42 years old. It's interesting that no one ever seems to mention that. And if this woman can't have kids, there's always adoption. Also, there are lots of single moms out there who already have kids.

(11)
Anonymous,
December 7, 2001 12:00 AM

To Anonymous/Don't try to plan for the next 50 years

This is in response to the "Don't try to plan for the next 50 years" comment:

This man claims that he is "angry", and that only when he is 50 will he consider marrying a woman close to 40.

Perhaps the one that he is - or should be - angry with, is himself: for waiting until he is in his 40's to marry and have children. Just as women for the most part need to make sure to marry and conceive by their early 40's (if they do in fact wish to have children, that is), it is now clear - from these men's comments - that men also need to do this if they are indeed going to have an easy time finding and courting a spouse of child-bearing age.

To be "angry" about this reality seems to be counter-productive.
Most people tend to want to find a spouse of similar age and experience as themselves. This seems to make sense, as it would tend to make for a more harmonious marriage. Of course there are exceptions. However, to look for and wait for the exceptions seems to be unrealistic. Just as women should not expect at age - say - 43 that they will marry a much younger man,less than 5-8 years younger, so should men at age 43 not expect they will marry a much younger woman. Perhaps both genders would be better off assuming that they will date and marry spouses of similar ages as themselves, and operate on that premise. Therefore, both men and women might be advised to marry before age 40 or so if they would like to have children.

In response to this man's comments about the "statistics" on women's age and infertility, I would defer to the at least equally compelling statistics about men's mortality rates and shorter lifespans, as compared to women. This further strengthens the argument for women to not marry a man much older than themselves. While they may be able to conceive a child with a much older man, they may not be able to raise, see into adulthood, and raise children and grandchildren with a much older man. And isn't *raising* and enjoying the children while we are young enough to enjoy them - not simply "conceiving" children - what it is all about anyway?

(10)
Anonymous,
August 14, 2001 12:00 AM

In response to the angry man in his early forties:

You are angry with women who do not want to marry an older man, whilst refusing to consider women your own age. Do you not see the irony in this? In both instances people are judging according to age. The truth is that whilst age may be a guiding factor in the marriage quest it should not be an overruling one - for you or for others.

I have dated men up to eight years younger and ten years older than myself. Their age had very little to do with their desirability in terms of attractiveness, intelligence, maturity ...etc. The same is true for women. I have had men refuse to meet me because I am two years older than them. They don't know that I am regularly taken to be ten years younger than my age and men much younger than me ask me out. So why don't you forget this age thing, stop being angry and be a bit gentler on yourself and the single world. After all we're all in this together and ultimately you're only hurting yourself. Regardless of the age no-one wants to marry an angry person.

(9)
Anonymous,
July 29, 2001 12:00 AM

lots of children need a father

While you are worrying about finding someone young and fertile, there are fine women closer to you in age, widowed or divorced, with children who have no father in the picture. Wouldn't it be ironic if you married that 30ish woman, only to find that she -- or you -- couldn't have children, and ignored the 40ish woman who could be your soulmate, to whose children you could give the precious gift of a loving father?

You say women you meet are very picky, but you sound exactly the same.

(8)
shoshana-dvora,
July 28, 2001 12:00 AM

men gripe too much

I hear men over 40 saying they want women no older than 35 because have children, but I worked for a matchmaker for a year, and what many of these men
really want is to feel young and sexy. They have that right, but be honest about it. As a 43 year old woman, I usually refuse to get involved with men who haven't been married and had children. Stop griping, find a nice woman. If the 2 of you can't have children, ADOPT!!! Jews are allowed to adopt! Or take in a foster child through the Ohel agency. Or marry a woman who already has childen and be a great father to them! If HaShem sends you a good woman of any age, be happy and stop whining! I'd be very happy if HasShem sends me a nice man 10-17 years older than me with kids!

(7)
Anonymous,
July 26, 2001 12:00 AM

Don't try to plan for the next 50 years

This is in response to "Very good advice". Women in their early 30s who do not consider men 10-15 years older than themselves may end up still being single in their mid 40s with little hope of getting married and ever having children. Have you ever considered why men can father children in their 50s and beyond, while women can only have children until their early 40s? Perhaps it was intended for men to be with much younger women? If it is G-d's will, any of us could die tomorrow. The facts about female age, infertility, and miscarriage rates are very significant. http://www.advancedfertility.com/age.htm
Am I angry? Yes. As a man in his early 40s, I can not see myself marrying a woman close to 40. Perhaps if I am still single in my 50s, I will be willing to accept a woman close to 40, and take the very large risk that I may never have children.

(6)
Andrew,
July 25, 2001 12:00 AM

Self help books no substitute for faith in Hashem

I find Einhorn and Zimmerman's talk about "barriers" to relationships as something that can be removed through the cult of the individual, i.e. self help books & will power, antithetical to Jewish thought, almost in the category of "hillul Hashem" (profanation of the Name). Is it permitted to believe that we can change the will of G-d who gives us such trials as bereavements, illness, sudden economic woes or myriad other of life's dilemmas that Hashem gives us to test our spiritual character through a $7.00 investment in the latest self-help text?

Puh-lease! Whatever happened to that Jewish staple: faith?

Toronto, Canada.

(5)
Arlene Kammer,
July 24, 2001 12:00 AM

I just wanted to say this is an excellent topic and I have forwarded it to one of my single male friends in this age group. I am in my early 40's and I always found it unacceptable that men in my age group don't want someone this age because of the children issue. How nice to hear someone say that a younger age is not a guaranty of fertility and an older age is not a guarantee of non-fertility - my own mother gave birth to me at 45!

(4)
Anonymous,
July 23, 2001 12:00 AM

very good advice

I commend you for the thoughtful advice you offered this man. You both seem very compassionate and deep-thinking about all of the issues involved. As a woman in her early 30s, I appreciated what you wrote about men realizing that much younger women may not want to date them, even though they are still able to have children as older men.
Just because a man in his 40's is still able to have children (maybe - fertility for men also declines starting at this age), and he wants to marry a woman in her 30's who is probably still fertile, does not mean that women in their 30's see a much older man (more than 5 years older or so, say) as an ideal mate.
This is because of differences in life experiences, as well as the different health prognosis and lifespans for women and men. Women already tend to outlive their spouses, even when they marry someone the same age as them. Why compound the situation by marrying someone much older, almost guaranteeing the fact that we will be widows for years if not decades.
If anything, many of us would be better advised to marry slightly younger men. But I agree with your statement that in the end, there are many fine people of all ages, and this is the most important thing.

(3)
Ken Solomon,
July 23, 2001 12:00 AM

Forgotten choice

You forgot to mention to Richard that adoption is a viable alternative to those that are unable to conceive children. Different countries have differing laws, for example, China prefers to have parents that are over age 40 to place a child. There are also foster children in need of stable two parent families. Many options exist for the "older" couples that want to have children.

(2)
Anonymous,
July 23, 2001 12:00 AM

i am 43 yr old divorced mother of 2.i am in the fashion industry and needless to say very attractive and look conscious.
i am one of those picky women that the writer above ponted out. i chose not to date a fourty something single man without children, so i am in agreement with his dilemna of finding a mate at his age.

(1)
Anonymous,
July 23, 2001 12:00 AM

Right on!

You couldn't be more right! For years there's no way you could have convinced me that I had anything to do with my problem of not finding someone to marry. The thought of looking at myself meant there was something "wrong". Yet here I was in my 40's, very attractive, with a great variety of interests, very Jewish, successfully self-employed in a "happy" business, established with nice friends and community commitments. Yet .... what? It's only been through almost one year of counseling that I've come to acknowledge - not yet really see and understand - my participation in holding up a barrier to a longlasting relationship. You're so right that each person's barrier is so very different. It's the not-so-obvious barriers (physical pickiness, general fussiness) that are the surprises and the tough ones to see and deal with. Thank you!

I'm told that it's a mitzvah to become intoxicated on Purim. This puzzles me, because to my understanding, it is not considered a good thing to become intoxicated, period.

One of the characteristics of the at-risk youth is their use of drugs, including alcohol. In my experience, getting drunk doesn't reveal secrets. It makes people act stupid and irresponsible, doing things they would never do if they were sober. Also, I know a lot about the horrible health effects of abusing alcohol, because I work at a research center that focuses on addiction and substance abuse.

Also, I am an alcoholic, which means that if I drink, very bad things happen. I have not had a drink in 22 years, and I have no intention of starting now. Surely there must be instances where a person is excused from the obligation to drink. I don't see how Judaism could ever promote the idea of getting drunk. It just doesn't seem right.

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Putting aside for a moment all the spiritual and philosophical reasons for getting drunk on Purim, this remains an issue of common sense. Of course, teenagers should be warned of the dangers of acute alcohol ingestion. Of course, nobody should drink and drive. Of course, nobody should become so drunk to the point of negligence in performing mitzvot. And of course, a recovering alcoholic should not partake of alcohol on Purim.

Indeed, the Code of Jewish Law explicitly says that if one suspects the drinking may affect him negatively, then he should NOT drink.

Getting drunk on Purim is actually one of the most difficult mitzvot to do correctly. A person should only drink if it will lead to positive spiritual results - e.g. under the loosening affect of the alcohol, greater awareness will surface of the love for God and Torah found deep in the heart. (Perhaps if we were on a higher spiritual level, we wouldn't need to get drunk!)

Yet the Talmud still speaks of an obligation on Purim of "not knowing the difference between Blessed is Mordechai and Cursed is Haman." How then should a person who doesn't drink get the point of “not knowing”? Simple - just go to sleep! (Rama - OC 695:2)

All this applies to individuals. But the question remains - does drinking on Purim adversely affect the collective social health of the Jewish community?

The aversion to alcoholism is engrained into Jewish consciousness from a number of Biblical and Talmudic sources. There are the rebuking words of prophets - Isaiah 28:1, Hosea 3:1 with Rashi, and Amos 6:6, and the Zohar says that "The wicked stray after wine" (Midrash Ne'alam Parshat Vayera).

It is well known that the rate of alcoholism among Jews has historically been very low. Numerous medical, psychological and sociological studies have confirmed this. The connection between Judaism and sobriety is so evident, that the following conversation is reported by Lawrence Kelemen in "Permission to Receive":

When Dr. Mark Keller, editor of the Quarterly Journal of Studies on Alcohol, commented that "practically all Jews do drink, and yet all the world knows that Jews hardly ever become alcoholics," his colleague, Dr. Howard Haggard, director of Yale's Laboratory of Applied Physiology, jokingly proposed converting alcoholics to the Jewish religion in order to immerse them in a culture with healthy attitudes toward drinking!

Perhaps we could suggest that it is precisely because of the use of alcohol in traditional ceremonies (Kiddush, Bris, Purim, etc.), that Jews experience such low rates of alcoholism. This ceremonial usage may actually act like an inoculation - i.e. injecting a safe amount that keeps the disease away.

Of course, as we said earlier, all this needs to be monitored with good common sense. Yet in my personal experience - having been in the company of Torah scholars who were totally drunk on Purim - they acted with extreme gentleness and joy. Amid the Jewish songs and beautiful words of Torah, every year the event is, for me, very special.

Adar 12 marks the dedication of Herod's renovations on the second Holy Temple in Jerusalem in 11 BCE. Herod was king of Judea in the first century BCE who constructed grand projects like the fortresses at Masada and Herodium, the city of Caesarea, and fortifications around the old city of Jerusalem. The most ambitious of Herod's projects was the re-building of the Temple, which was in disrepair after standing over 300 years. Herod's renovations included a huge man-made platform that remains today the largest man-made platform in the world. It took 10,000 men 10 years just to build the retaining walls around the Temple Mount; the Western Wall that we know today is part of that retaining wall. The Temple itself was a phenomenal site, covered in gold and marble. As the Talmud says, "He who has not seen Herod's building, has never in his life seen a truly grand building."

Some people gauge the value of themselves by what they own. But in reality, the entire concept of ownership of possessions is based on an illusion. When you obtain a material object, it does not become part of you. Ownership is merely your right to use specific objects whenever you wish.

How unfortunate is the person who has an ambition to cleave to something impossible to cleave to! Such a person will not obtain what he desires and will experience suffering.

Fortunate is the person whose ambition it is to acquire personal growth that is independent of external factors. Such a person will lead a happy and rewarding life.

With exercising patience you could have saved yourself 400 zuzim (Berachos 20a).

This Talmudic proverb arose from a case where someone was fined 400 zuzim because he acted in undue haste and insulted some one.

I was once pulling into a parking lot. Since I was a bit late for an important appointment, I was terribly annoyed that the lead car in the procession was creeping at a snail's pace. The driver immediately in front of me was showing his impatience by sounding his horn. In my aggravation, I wanted to join him, but I saw no real purpose in adding to the cacophony.

When the lead driver finally pulled into a parking space, I saw a wheelchair symbol on his rear license plate. He was handicapped and was obviously in need of the nearest parking space. I felt bad that I had harbored such hostile feelings about him, but was gratified that I had not sounded my horn, because then I would really have felt guilty for my lack of consideration.

This incident has helped me to delay my reactions to other frustrating situations until I have more time to evaluate all the circumstances. My motives do not stem from lofty principles, but from my desire to avoid having to feel guilt and remorse for having been foolish or inconsiderate.

Today I shall...

try to withhold impulsive reaction, bearing in mind that a hasty act performed without full knowledge of all the circumstances may cause me much distress.

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