Stream of consciousness ramblings. No poetry, no manifestos, no unbelievably novel ideas.

January 05, 2016

The Shrinking Herd

It is now 2016. My blog is like a time capsule; even the links to other blogs lead mostly to sites long abandoned. Of course life has not been standing still; the minutiae of its days are either forgotten or, pointlessly, captured on Facebook.

The shrinking herd

Some lives have ended since I last posted. I lost two uncles in 2014, unexpected deaths that still pain me greatly. In the photo above, Molly and Trooper are pictured, but they are no longer with us. Ferris, amazingly, is still around, but at ten and a half his days are numbered.

I have been off work for a few months due to vision problems, and my time on the computer is necessarily limited. With weeks and weeks at home on my own, one might think that I had ample opportunity to organize my house and my life. Not so, as domestic issues have left my mind too muddled to allow me to bring order to my physical and mental space.

A glimpse of happiness

Motherhood has proven to be tougher than I ever anticipated. After emerging from my post-partum depression a few years ago I thought the worst was over, and perhaps it is, but I am encountering issues with dear Kai that make me regularly question my ability to cope. I will cope, though, for him. That is what moms do.

My age is 42, "the answer to the ultimate question of life, the universe, and everything," according to the late author Douglas Adams. He was joking, of course; in his mind, the number held no special meaning. I can't say that it holds any meaning for me either, as reaching this age has not brought me any closer to definitive answers. I still struggle with the question, "What should we have for dinner?" It would seem that 42 years have barely brought me closer to adulthood. I fake it well: career, marriage, house, child; all of that belies the immature mess in my brain. Don't believe me? Well you are a poo-poo head.

In conclusion, I think we can all be grateful that I no longer blog. I'm done rambling now. It's time to snuggle with Ferris while I still can.

10 comments:

Jen, it's so great to see you back on the blog! The blogosphere needs more voices as honest and open as yours.

I am very sorry for the losses in your life and I do wish you the best with dear Ferris, whom I had the pleasure of meeting.

I think you are very good, sweet, courageous person. I'm a hell of a lot older than 42 and I never had the guts to become a parent. I've been trying to fake adulthood for a while now, but I don't think I've fooled anyone.

I have no doubt in my mind that would will cope--hell, you'll do more than cope--you will thrive.as a mom and Kai will look back on his childhood as the happiest time of his life. And he'll have you to thank for it.

Take care, be well, and always remember that your Number One fan in Brooklyn has always got your back.

I click on your blog from time to time and this time I was rewarded with your insights.I wish I could sit in your living room again and chat with you but because of our animal family and the fact that we can't afford the gas (too many animals)I can rarely leave home.Like a pair of complete idiots, we have committed to another rescue dog who will be arriving on Saturday. We can't afford it but his story was so sad and we are suckers. Please, nothing on FB as I haven't told my family and they won't be pleased.I'm pretty sure that you are a better mother than I ever was and my kids have turned out OK. I always preferred animals!! Kai always looks so happy in pictures. I'm sure he is too!

In a weird, round-about way, I ended up here via a facebook memory post, to a blog post I wrote in 2011, to reading your comment on that post, and seeing that you wrote you had accidentally mis-typed your URL, and then clicking on the right URL to see if the blog was still around, and then seeing THIS post, and the photo of Ferris and then...feeling so sad for your loss.

I needed to comment here to give you big hugs. Because I miss blog comments, and I am tired of only communicating with people through FB.

Hi, I was just wondering if u ever hear anything from Depressed mom? I have just found her blog and it is exactly what I have been dealing with for a year but I noticed her last entry was back in 2013. Do u know how she is doing?

Cat, thank you for your comments. Facebook has not only replaced my blog communication, it has also replaced my real-life communication. I miss blogging, but I no longer have the time, concentration or energy to do it. I feel bad that I have no time to follow blogs -- especially your posts, which are always witty and poignant.

Hi Jen, thank you so much for getting back to me. Depressed moms blog really struck a chord with me as it's exactly how I am feeling. I even have a 3 year old son. I don't suppose you have an email address for her as I would love to get in touch? It would be so good to talk to someone who understands what anhedonia feels like. I have the support of my husband and family and I also see a psychiatrist and psychologist but nothing has helped so far. Just trying to remain hopeful but it's so hard. Thanks again. Debra

Debra, I'm having trouble posting your latest comment via my phone, and I can't even seem to leave a comment here except as "Anonymous," but it's me, Calamity. Please submit another comment with your email address. I won't post it; I will pass it along to Depressed Mom through Facebook.

Fellow Bloggers

Inspiration

One is left with the horrible feeling now that war settles nothing; that to win a war is as disastrous as to lose one.

-Agatha Christie

Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has.

- Margaret Mead

What is the good of having a nice house without a decent planet to put it on?

- Henry David Thoreau

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.

- Eleanor Roosevelt

Nobody made a greater mistake than he who did nothing because he could do only a little.

- Edmund Burke

Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.

- Douglas Adams

...as long as we are all here, it's pretty clear that the struggle is to share the planet, rather than divide it.

- Alice Walker

Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.

- Leo Buscaglia

The best things in life aren't things.

- Art Buchwald

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

- Albert Einstein

Perhaps travel cannot prevent bigotry, but by demonstrating that all peoples cry, laugh, eat, worry, and die, it can introduce the idea that if we try and understand each other, we may even become friends.

- Maya Angelou

The past is prophetic in that it asserts loudly that wars are poor chisels for carving out peaceful tomorrows.

-Martin Luther King Jr.

Peace can only last where human rights are respected, where the people are fed, and where individuals and nations are free.

-Dalai Lama

The difference between what we do and what we are capable of doing would suffice to solve most of the world's problems.

- Mohandas Gandhi

Giggles

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, "Lillian, you should have remained a virgin."

- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall."

- Eleanor Roosevelt

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.

- Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.

- George Burns

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

- W.C. Fields

I hate writing. I love having written.

- Dorothy Parker

Some see the glass as half-empty, some see the glass as half-full. I see the glass as too big.

- George Carlin

The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.

- Bill Watterson, Calvin and Hobbes

You can't have everything; where would you put it?

- Steven Wright

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work…I want to achieve it through not dying.

- Woody Allen

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

- Groucho Marx

All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.

- Jane Wagner

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.

- Erma Bombeck

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

- Emo Philips

Remember, it doesn't matter whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose.

- Darrin Weinberg

Always go to other peoples' funerals, otherwise they won't go to yours.