This about enjoying life to the full with my lovely partner- I scream my head off here so I can pretend to be coping when I have to. MS has robbed my darling of the use of much of her body but has increased our determination to share our love to the full and get as much fun out this world as we can glean. Sometimes it all gets to much so I need to scream about it.

Sunday, July 26, 2009

It will hurt so much.

Herrad posted today about the end of her life- eased out of it by the lovely Dr Dagmah. We hope in our own home and peacefully- with Motorhead playing "Ace Of Spades" at full blast- maybe not we will see. It will be Herrad's choice. I miss Britain a lot. We were planning to move to Wales when Herrad got sick. At first I was choked we had to stay here- I need some bloody hills! but now I don't mind. There is a lot wrong in this country but this they have right- without weed to help ease the pain and spasms and the assurance of a dignified end to life I think Herrad may have chosen to end her life before the MS got so bad. What a loss! I can not think what I will do without her. I do not enjoy doing things without her. Going to the cinema or to a concert is about sharing the experience with Herrad- talking to her is what I like to do most.I will need a bloody job as well- shit.Most of all I will be just so lonely.I will do all I can to keep her enjoying life for as long as she can.

11 comments:

Richie - Skip and I have had these conversations as well, though I have to admit I've always felt they were more "someday" than "someday soon." I agree that people must be able to choose their own fate, especially where quality of life is concerned. Those of us left behind will hurt so much.

Just keep on doing what your doing, and take things each day as they come. You have it right without me writing any words here in both your heart and mind; which is more than enough for now. The love I trust will take care of itself, as it always does.

For me, it's like BR is securely tied to the tracks of a subway system with the worst on-time record. We can see a train way down the tunnel, but there are several stations between it and him. Will it get stuck in the tunnel? Will the brakes fail? The only certainty is that the tracks lead to BR, and the train has no reverse.

So we try to stay calm and listen to the sounds to the street performers, and remember the times when we used to be on the train, not under it. And we work on the timing of my jump.

... jump to safety, that is. You see, I'm down there on the tracks with him, doing my best to make his remaining time as good as it can be. He may push me away for my own good. I may stay too long and get hurt. But we both know I'm staying as long as I can, and we both hope the train doesn't take me, too.

Dear Richie , I really admire the way you so lovingly take care of Herrad. You look after her smallest need. You are a wonderful caregiver Richie. I;ve been a caregiver of senior people (relatives) and I have lost my cool at times, I marvel at your patience.

I have not been here in so long...I am so truly sorry that you and Herrad have had to go through all of this. I am so glad that she has you. Your post has moved me so much...I am at a loss as to what to say.

I love the way you love Herrad. You seem like an amazing, supportive guy. Both her post and your's made me cry. Your unselfishness is amazing, always wishing the best for Herrad. You two are beautiful.

We may be in a bad situation but when it comes to it who knows what will happen- any of us could face a situation like this or even worse. Today could be the last day you have with your partner.I was in a position where Herrad could have walked away from me and I knew then I would do anything to get her back and stay with her. I told her then I would love her for ever in the best ways I can and she made the same offer back. Nothing can change that deal.

Richie, a powerful entry. Openly communicating with each other on every level is the best. Just always remember with or without MS and caregiver roles, tomorrow is never guaranteed for everyone. Treasure today.