Making their memories

When people ask me why I blog and show parts of my life on Instagram I quickly cut off the discussion with “because I like to”. I’m afraid all the answers that get out of my mouth sound cliché. And stupid. So this is the easiest way to get them off my shoulders. And they do. Except for B. Once in a while he asks again. Or our conversations just get to that point where I start thinking about it again.

And I think I found my answer. Again. An answer that shows more than my ignorance or stubbornness. An answer made by hormones (sometimes they’re helpful). An answer to complete the answer I found before.

Since my body is making a little baby, hormones kicked in pretty hard. Thinking about being responsible for two precious human beings makes me break up every day. Becoming a mother is one of the biggest life changing things in life. No. It IS the biggest life changing thing in life. Things are not about me anymore. It’s about them. And it makes me anxious. I’ve always been the pussy kind of girl. But this?! This is massive. And it’s all about me being afraid to lose control. If only you’d jump into my mind for 5 minutes… Well, don’t.

So the other night when B and I were talking about our lives and our babies it got to that point again. B asked me how I wanted our kids to remember me. And within 2 seconds I had it. I want them to know me just the way I am and remember how much I love them. My blog posts are a way to show them how I feel, think and see the world. The world they rock.

So that’s my answer. This is my story for them. I’m making their memories visible. For the day I won’t be there to tell them anymore. But let’s not go there. We live in Pixie Hollow, we eat glitters and it’s all happily ever after. I AM NOT CRYING RIGHT NOW. NOT CRYING.