And the god a lot of people think exist is just the equivalent of spritual primordial soup that we all simply developed from? For me, i don't think there is any god anymore, and if it exists, it is more evil than i or it doesn't care.

There is always the idea in the back of our heads that somewone or something is watching us. But it seems like there is nothing. I've gone from evangalistic christian to wiccanism briefly to universalist, i have entartained the thought of a parthenon of gods, lesser gods and spiritual beings and that didnt make sense either.

I read mars' thread about depression and spiritual evaluations and i gave him karma for that as this depression i have about a lot of things outside of psionics as well as my aptitude in it as was has haunted me for 11 years. Now i am without a god. It is arrogant but for me to give a god my attention it would have to make itself apparent to me. tried as have before no christian or pagan or other god has decided.that i am important enough to talk to. So fuck god.

Sure, i say that in slim hopes that i can piss it off enough to do something, anything.. But even that makes me feel like an ignorant fool just like thousands of greeks prostrating themselves before a volcano babbling prayers to zues thinkng kronos had finally escaped the walls of tartarus. (Sigh)

This is about god as much as it is about personal purpose. On the one hand if there is a god and i do have a purpose i would feel useless if it was mundane and if it wasn't i would be after i had carried it out. On the other hand if there is no god and i have no purpose and just popped into existence then it seems i truely am useless and my lackluster achievements of the mundane are all i have and i don't have much for a life. I'm an overnight cook at a mcdonalds for fucks sake.

My parents filled my head with the Christian idealism of singular purpose and it was my only drive to live at times, evwn after i stopped believing in Christianity i still held fast to the thought that maybe i do have a purpose to whomever diety that presides. Something ro give my worthless life meaning. Meaning. But at that same effect i would rather not have my life amount to something so small as a singular purpose, no matter how great it is. I almost would rather my life have no meaning to it as the deep underlying cause would probably leave me disturbed, trying to change what cannot be changed. Sort of like a baby that was the byproduct of rape.

So i have long since discarded religion and god filling up the hole that it left with drugs. And when i think back to when i almost died from it.. i kind of wish i would have. Unfair as it would be to all of. my friends and family, at least i would know for sure.

I have had plenty of success with psionics as it has never really been to hard for me. I have exibited power seemingly equal to the fictional avatar state. But its never enough, i want there to be a god, i want somebody to blame for this shit. I want him to exist because i already hate him. Mostly i want to know why.

I am currently thinking about which role I should take to answer this. As a zealot I would probably yell about God giving us free will and all bad things happening are because of us, etc. As a skeptic I would surely agree with you.Well, let's take it from Chaos Magick perspective for once. God (Yahweh) is just like any other deities out there, part of our unconsciousness, with its advantages and disadvantages. Now, each god has his own rise and fall, the reason is that people need to believe in some divine creator, in someone more "higher" who is controlling the world. Why? Because people are scared of the realization that there is NO ONE in control, there is NO plan, we are not aiming anywhere and evolution is purely random, that's called chaos and we are naturally scared of it.

And to those wondering why i am unsatisfied with my aptitude in psionics is because it only works one way for me though i exibit extreme power in the one thing i can do bit that's the issue itself. I other aspects of psi are a mystery to my brain. But i already know why that is. its just my horrible motivation and my crummy practicing habits. And even as much power as i have, i am considering dropping psionics.

The only reason i haven't quit is because it is the only proof i have of any spiritual existence. The only person i have ever seen to provide any proof of god that was reasonable was kobok when he said that " matter at it's most fundamental level exists as energy, and this energy expresses itself in different ways to create different types of matter, and for energy to express itself, it becomes a concept. Thus our universe is conceptual at its most basic level, a thought per se. And the only one who could have created this concept is god." And that stuck with me no matter what, preventing my last shred of believing in a high power from evwr being truely destroyed because its logical and completly rational. And I'm not sure if i could ever put it down anyways, some empathetic reflexes just happen whether i like it or not. It really is a part of me now.

The relation between matter and energy is somewhat known, but what kobok calls concept can be just a coincidence, how can we know? We cannot.You said you are considering to drop psionics. The question is whether psionics did improve your life in any way, if not, feel free to drop it and do something more valuable. If it does improve your life, there is no reason getting rid of it, being lazy is easy, but not always correct.

I actually understand exactly where your coming from. I don't believe in god at least nothing scripture wise that people call god. I've thought about quitting magick several times because the only thing that really give's me repeatable results are sigils. I've tried everything (at least I think). I've done both high and low magick to get in contact with God, Angels, Even demons. Yet very little has come of it. I've only had one profound experience and that keeps me guessing. As Akenu mention if your practice benefits you then keep at it, if not thing it's always best to move on. I may never be a good magician and that's ok. Do what makes YOU happy.

Chaos is the only 'god' I believe in (the primal void of infinite potential - abstract existence, destruction, and creation).

A lot of people wish they believed in a god or that their gods would only listen, but as I have come to understand gods as I ease my way out of parasitic theistic belief (not that theism itself is parasitic), is that gods are mythological. Every god, from tribal stories to comic books, are all myths, versus and poems to convince the mind and masses of meta-human civilizations. I call her Athena, and she is real to me, but others may call her something else. Some will gather knowledge of the gods through study and others through gnosis. But why is Athena real to me? Why do I believe in only chaos yet say Athena is real to me, as if I am a polytheist? Because of myth. The First and Last is Khaos, and Athena, Aphrodite, Apollo are aspects of that chaos. Similar to how angels are understood as divine rays of Yahweh. Yahweh is the One, the angels are projections of this one with unique personalities and abilities, yet they are still confined by the laws and principles of Yahweh because they are merely reflections not distinct consciousnesses.

Since chaos is a void it can encapsulate anything thus helping us navigate the mysteries of this void, and so I decide to place mythological projections within this void so I can have a consciousness I understand and admire to link me, from terrestrial mundane life, to this inspiring potential of chaos, and back again for devotional or magical purposes. The only thing that differentiates this chaos from god is that chaos has no set dogma, no face, and no trully defining name. It allows for me to question my beliefs yet still stay sane in knowing I could be wrong - because chaos encapulates everything.

Logged

"Spirit is in a state of grace forever.Your reality is only spirit.Therefore you are in a state of grace forever."

"As relfections of the Source, we are little gods."

"...part of me doesn't want to believe that auto-eroticism while crushing on a doodle (sigil) could manifest a check in the mail box, but hey, it did."

There is so many thoughts in my head that it seems like its going to burst sometimes and sitting down a.nd meditating does help. At any given moment there could be a full fledged debate happening in my mind, i constantly am analyzing things and it has been my downfall sometimes like now. Due to that fact i have always been super efficient at reading people, almost as if they wear their thoughts on their sleeves. I am not sure if this is due to any telepathic implement but i can't turn it off. And that logically makes me feel like i should be practicing to develop this and maybe discern more secrets of the universe but psionics pertains directly to my spirituality and my spirituality is quite a sore spot in my mind. So i go into a burst of a couple months of practice, i attain vulgar results only for it to perplex me in the countless entailments pof the effects i have produced because if i have power, there will always be something more powerful and thus triggers an existential crisis about god and religion and what truely is happening and i become overwhelmed and quit.

Maybe none of you have the answers i seek, but it certainly makes me feel better to talk about it.

That was deep. In my p.o.v. the god's only have the power we give them and nothing more. All Hail Chaos.

Talking is the first step to clarification. You know how many threads I've created because I'm confused and looking for answers? A lot of them, here, there, and everywhere. Getting things out bro. I've been at this stuff for years and still don't have a clue as to any of it. Every time I learn something, another question pops up. So get it all out.

@supadude: I would say the main problem is you base your practice on your belief, belief is a tool, not a building stone, if you build your practice on belief, then your practice will cease whenever your belief is in doubt.

Remember that vision of various geometic shapes you had? You are doing the same thing. You have chosen a cube and you are trying to press everything into it no matter how limiting that shape is.

@Akenu: Maybe someday (even though that blurb basically explains everything! Short and sweet!).

@supadude: My mind sometimes goes in tangents as well, but luckily it has calmed down since I have been on my own (not living off my parents). When I am around large groups of people I feel so overwhelmed I have to leave or smoke a bunch of (basil) to stay sane around the empathic sensations and my judgmental projections.

I either go outside and speak to nature and my deific thoughtforms if I am away from home, or scour the internet for articles and videos to distract my mind. Although I will say, daily meditation, easy stretches and breathing help tremendously. I also wear talismanic jewelery that helps either bring in magical current by transmuting the base essence into something useful to me, and as a way to anchor my mind on the actual physical sensation of the jewelery on my skin.

Logged

"Spirit is in a state of grace forever.Your reality is only spirit.Therefore you are in a state of grace forever."

"As relfections of the Source, we are little gods."

"...part of me doesn't want to believe that auto-eroticism while crushing on a doodle (sigil) could manifest a check in the mail box, but hey, it did."

Akenu; Your right my main motivation at first was belief, belief in a purpose, and i wanted to fufill that purpose with every tool i had at my disposal. And once my humanity hit me in the face with my own limitations i sought to trancend the bounds of my physical body so i could be of more help, and do things i normally couldn't like help my mother with her obesity and heal her injuries , or like when my was diagnosed with spinal menangitis and all i could do is but sit there and be utterly useless. So there is more than just belief. It used to be a sort of "heal the sick and raise the dead whilst felling my enemies and protecting what i hold sacred" kind of thing.

So it was the feel of insecurity, then. Then your goal is clear, question is how close did you come to your goal.

Belief in God is a belief in purpose, in a plan, in a justice. There is no purpose, there is no plan, there is no justice, we have only what we gather with our own hands. You can become able to fulfill your goal, but your hands have to become dirty, no divinity ever helped an athlette to win olympics, his dedication and training did.