That “No Visitors” Notation Applies to YOU!

by admin on May 10, 2011

Dear Jeanne,

I was just wondering when people stared thinking it is acceptable to cross personal boundaries as long as you get what you want?

A friend of mine, “Tisha”, gave birth to her first child over the weekend. She sent me a message letting me know and asked if I would mind letting some of our mutual friends and her former (my current) co-workers know. She had been in labor for 22 hours, so I agreed to share the happy news on her behalf. She also asked that I tell people that she and her husband, “Matt”, would be resting and would let them know when they could visit the new baby and parents at home. Just to be sure, I asked if that meant she did not want visitors to come to the hospital. She said yes, she did not want people to visit at the hospital. Not only had her labor been very long, in the end she required the help of a vacuum extractor to deliver the baby.

It seems like a common sense to me that if you are not family or a close friend that has specifically been invited, that you do not go to the hospital to visit a newborn. Most new mothers who have just been through labor do not want Jane and Jill from work in their room. The way I was raised, you wait until you are invited to the home to see the baby. Moms and babies need bonding and adjustment time.

So I wrote a nice message letting people know that the baby had been born, her name and all the vital statistics- height, weight, length, hair/eye color- as well as Tisha’s message that she would let people know when she was ready to receive visitors at home.

I sent the message to the people she requested. One of those people, “Cara”, replied to my message with “Who is this?” I messaged her back, “Melissa, the office manager that you work with and see everyday”. I was surprised that she did not recognize my number because all staff has it; I get calls all times of the day & night, even when I’m supposed to be off, and she has called me numerous times. She then replied, “Oh, I already knew”. Hmm? She already knew? I sent her a message that said, “Ok, I just sent it on Tisha’s behalf because she said she was not feeling well enough to contact everyone”. No response from Cara.

The next day I am working and my phone buzzes. It is 2 pictures messages from Cara. Even though Tisha had requested no visitors at the hospital, Cara took it upon herself to go to the hospital anyway and take photos of the child. I also find it a bit odd that I was the only one she sent the pictures to. It felt like she was trying to make point to let me know that she went to the hospital.

The following day, Cara returned to work. Not only had she taken the 2 pictures she sent to me, but she had taken dozens of pictures as well as about a half-hour of video! She also relayed that Tisha and Matt had been napping when she arrived and the baby was in the nursery, so after she woke them, she (Cara) used the nurse call button to have the baby brought in the room!! She said that Tisha and Matt seemed a bit confused at her visit and Matt, in particular, was impatient and rude to her.

Well, let’s see- she came uninvited to the hospital even though she knew Tisha and Matt requested no one visit; she woke them up during a time when they needed rest the most; she called the nurse station to have their child brought to the room so she could hold her and take pictures and videos of her instead of viewing through the nursery window or waiting to be invited to the home like theparents wanted, so yeah, I guess Matt would be impatient and rude to her. His wife had been through a day of labor, had to have assistance to deliver and then a former co-worker barges in because she wants to see the baby? I would have asked her to leave if she had called the nurses to bring my child to the room for her to see.

She downloaded all the pictures and video she took to a work computer, attached the pictures & video to an email that said, “Guess who I saw?”, along with the baby’s name & vital statistics (which I had already sent out) and used the company email address list to send it to everybody – and I do mean everybody, even the people who work at our parent and sister locations who did not even know Tisha. The email was so large that it temporarily crashed our email server! Cara is lucky that her step-father-in-law works at our parent location or she would have been fired.

It’s amazing to me that people think they have a right to invade people’s privacy, particularly at a time like that. I guess if Cara had known Tisha was in labor, she would have sped to the hospital to film the birth in living color! 0421-11

@Kate (9:47 am post) You misunderstand. The majority of U.S. hospitals have no provisions for the newborn to room-in with the mother; instead, the healthy babies are kept in a common nursery and brought to the mother for feeding, snuggles, whatever, either at specific times or when called-for. (Fortunately, this is changing.) Sick newborns and preemies are kept in what’s called “perinatal intensive care.”

@ Abbie — If it makes you feel better, in my family we joke that we have babies like cats — one ‘Oof!” and they’re out. That’s an exaggeration, but when I had mine I had only about 2 hours of labor at home, went to the hospital at the prescribed frequency of contractions, and from the time I gowned up until the baby was born took 3 hours flat — and would have gone faster if the Dr. hadn’t wanted a nap & shot me up with something that put me to sleep and cause the labor to slow down to nothing. But that was the 60’s — these days they can rarely get away with giving you drugs without your permission. So no, they’re not all interminable agonies.

What a horrible person to intrude on the new parents’ privacy like that.
I’m from Australia, and I’m also surprised that the baby was kept separate to Mum.
I remember when I was pregnant with my first, I was at my SIL’s house and her mother, whom I didn’t know, said that the next time she’s see me would be at the hospital. I just thought, “no way”. I only stayed at the hospital for 24 hours (most of the midwives were less than helpful or pleasant) and the only visitors I had were my parents. I did resent the unexpected visitors popping in on me in the first month of being at home. I was exhausted and it was clear people were only there to see my son and couldn’t care less how I was. Second time round was fantastic. At the hospital for just 10 hours. Lovely midwife and no visitors. We also moved away from our hometown so no unexpected people dropping by. Bliss.

I agree with PPs- I can understand Cara not getting the hint that the new parents didn’t want hospital visitors. I think in these sorts of circumstances it needs to be phrased clearly along the lines of “understandably, Matt and Tisha are very tired after baby Cutie-Pie’s birth. They understand that people really want to meet baby Cutie-Pie but would like to ask everyone to wait until they get home so that Matt and Tisha can get as much rest as possible while they’ve still got support from the hospital staff.” Or something like that. Some people need a sledgehammer to get a hint into their brains.

Having said that, Cara’s behaviour in the hospital was appalling. One just shouldn’t wake sleeping patients up, particularly patients who’ve just undergone a major event such as giving birth or an operation. It’s just common sense. The first few days of new parenthood are fatiguing madness- I can’t understand what Cara was thinking!

In response to Leslie, I don’t know what areas of the U.S. you are are referring to when you say that most hospitals aren’t set up for babies rooming with Mom. I’ve given birth in 2 separate hospitals and both EXPECTED baby to room in. I almost had to argue with them that I wanted the baby in the nursery at night so I could get some sleep. From sunrise on though, I expected baby to be in the room. All of the friends I have visited at other hospitals also had the babies rooming in.

This would be in Minnesota and mainly around the Twin Cities. Almost all of the hospitals have been renovated to ensure that the new moms also have private rooms, probably to make it easier for rooming in. I can’t imagine having to share a room and having a roommate’s baby keeping me up all night! Both hospitals I delivered in were set up so I labored and delivered in the same room and remained in that same room for the rest of my hospital stay. Maybe other areas of the country do it differently.

I’ve gone through a similar situation with one of my former coworkers. I was working in a city away from my family when I needed to undergo extensive surgery. My mother traveled to look after me and as I expected to have her as my only visitor, I never thought to request that my room remain private.

I ended up in the ICU for two days due to complications. Also had a reaction to one painkiller, so I was in a great deal of pain and was hooked up to so many monitors that they couldn’t put my gown on me and had to drape it over me to give me some false sense of modesty. On my first afternoon in the ICU, my surgeon decided to remove my nasogastric drainage tube to make me more comfortable and when he did so, he spilled an assortment of vile bodily fluids all over me. I didn’t mind the mess as much as the pain (it was agonizing) and so they decided to try a different narcotic and warned me to report any side effects immediately.

Before my nurse could return to clean me up, my meds were beginning to take effect. But as soon as I was about to doze off, I realized that I was hallucinating; why else would I see my coworker’s husband standing in my hospital room?

Turns out that it wasn’t the meds; my coworker had brought her husband and the two had walked right into the intensive care unit to come and say hello. The nursing staff had directed them right to my room which surprised me since it was obvious that they are not family; every other ICU I’ve been in has limited visitors to immediate family only. I worked with this woman, but we were not close friends and did not socialize outside of our workplace. I had only met her husband in passing. I had also thought that I had made it clear that I didn’t want any visitors for the first week since I wanted time to get back on my feet. Apparently, I was not clear enough.

I know that they meant well but I was barely coherent, spreadeagled in my hospital bed, literally covered in my own blood and bile, and naked with a urine bag resting between my legs. I was absolutely mortified. I also would’ve preferred for the detailed report of my medical status to not have been spread around our office later that day. But at least her husband was gracious enough to never mention the fact that he saw WAY more of me than I ever wanted him to see.

This makes me thankful that I had my son during flu season. I don’t know how things were normally run in our maternity ward, but we were told that since it was flu season and they didn’t want just anyone wandering around, we could give them a list of 5 people allowed to visit, no more. And once we’d given the list, we weren’t allowed to change it, or swap people out. Because of that my best friend, one of my brothers, my aunts and uncles and my godparents were not able to come see us, since we only had room for the grand parents and one of my brothers, but it also kept the busy bodies out. I know at least 2 people that I could totally see pulling something like Cara did.

This reminds me of that episode of The Office (US) where Pam is in labor, and her boss, Michael, who has no sense of boundaries, completely sweeps past the “Family Only Beyond This Point” sign because he arrogantly assumes that he counts as family. He gets his comeuppance though when he walks into the delivery room as Pam is delivering and gets an eye-full.

@ Leslie and Mary- Different hospitals have different procedures. In some, it’s routine to separate mother and child, and at other it’s not. It really depends on where you birth and what’s in your birth plan.

As appalled as I am at “Cara”, I am even more disgusted at the fact that the nurses allowed this to happen. Allowing just any old person into a room, and to bring a baby when summoned by a near stranger??!!! May they all burn in Ehell, and may they change their ways before something even worse, like a child abduction, happens.

(And yes I know that most hospitals have an ‘alarm’ on the baby now. They fall off super easy and the alarm goes off so often it is routinely ignored.)

Amy – I was with my daughter at a major hospital in our area and while we were coming back from her MRI back up to the children’s floor, alarms sounded. Our elevator opened at the next possible floor and every single elevator door opened and would not shut. Within about 10 seconds there as a staff member or security guard at every single exit door.

I asked the nurse who was with us what had happened and she said that a baby’s tag must have gotten to close to the door to the maternity ward. We found out later that it was a drill but it was amazing how fast that hospital went into lockdown mode.

Of course, I had my babies at smaller hospitals where the bracelets were regular hospital ones and the parents had matching ones. The nurses had to provide security on their own.

@ Mary — Yes, I think it may be regional and as I said, it is — fortunately — changing. My main concern in explaining the more old-fashioned ‘norm’ was to dispel Kate’s misapprehension that baby-in-nursery = ill-baby.

@Mary and others: and then there’s the hospital I delivered at, where the baby has the alarm bracelet *and* the nurses compare baby’s regular bracelet to Mom and Dad’s bracelets, just for added security. This hospital is also one where the nurses ask if you’d prefer baby to room in, stay in the nursery the whole time, or room in while going to the nursery occasionally so you can sleep. I did room-in with my first since Hubby was also staying the whole weekend, and nursery-at-night with the second because it was just me in the room for most of the stay and I didn’t want to be woken up every two hours just for a diaper change. Visitors aren’t really restricted, though, unless you’ve specifically asked. They still have to be buzzed into the maternity ward, but otherwise aren’t kept away unless it’s for a good reason. (Connecticut hospital, btw.)

I’m so glad I didn’t have to deal with this for either delivery yet. First time around, I was basically narcoleptic for most of the 4-day stay due to the anesthesia used for the emergency C-section, but the only visitors were my mom, sister, and two cousins (who had called ahead and okay’d it with us), and the inlaws who were specifically flying in and also expected. Second time around was an easier (more awake) recovery, and the first day we only had the people who were babysitting our older child stop by when they brought said child at our request. Second day, the only visitor besides my husband and daughter was our bishop.

I, too, am horrified by what “Cara” did to the new parents. I would make the assumption that she’s never given birth before and is ignorant of how utterly exhausting the whole process can be, even without complications. The whole situation smacks of an entitled brat trying to prove something to the OP and the other co-workers at the expense of Tisha and Matt.

Most hospitals have an open-door policy with visitors during the day unless the parents specifically request no visitors. In fairness, nurses can’t stop people when they haven’t been specifically told by the parents that they don’t want to see anyone, so everyone please stop blaming them for what happened. Also, the nurses would honor the request of anyone calling from the room for the baby to be brought in. Look at this from the nurse’s perspective: a friend is visiting a woman after she gave birth, the nurse couldn’t know that the “friend” was not invited and was doing all of these things without the parents’ consent if the parents never said anything. Sounds like the parents need a lesson in developing a polite spine.

@Amy According to several people I know who work in postnatal care, those alarms are NEVER ignored. In fact, the hospital where I gave birth to my daughter went into literal lock-down if an alarm ever went off. If you know of a hospital where the staff ignores alarms you should report them immediately, as this sort of disregard can be punishable by fines, loss of job, and loss of license.

It’s not just visitors, it’s also other patients or husbands of patients.

When I had my daughter, I was put in a semi private room. The other gal’s husband sat in a chair at the end of her bed –where he could see me too, even with my curtain pulled all the way (it didn’t go around my bed, just between her bed and mine)
So he was involved in all aspects of my care….the first time the nurse helped me out of bed while the back of my gown was wide open, the time she helped me hobble past him to the bathroom, and then he sat there while the nurse kept the bathroom door open so she could keep an eye on me.

@Mlle: …. I’m so completely flabbergasted and horrified by this. I myself was in ICU after a major surgery and was having issues with various things (not at your level but bad enough) and they were tetchy about letting my mom and my fiancé in to see me! And even then it was just a couple minutes each, they had to come in separately.

Just… Holy crap.

Moving on, with every birth in my family the choice of room-in or leaving baby in a nursery was, as far as I recall, a choice of the mother. My mom and all my aunts usually went the route of bonding in the room and having family visit, but when it was time for her to get some sleep visitors left and again she chose whether to keep baby with her or have them taken to the nursery. If they were in the room they were brought in and slept in the same little basinette/cart thing used in the nursery, it’s not like they take up more room than one of those semi-obnoxious tables that swing over the bed.

“However, when she called the hospital (the nurse violated HIPAA and put her straight through to our room), ”
– in response to above:
The nurse did NOT violate HIPAA if you did ask for that level of privacy. There is nothing in HIPAA that prevents a call being forwarded to your room as it is not protected health information. However, if the nurse told the person on the other end about your medical condition(s) it would be a violation.

Cara’s behavior was hideous! She didn’t care about the mother, the father or the baby. She just wanted to be the first to see the baby so she could tell others about it and feel special. Awful!!

But why did the parents even announce the birth so quickly? Maybe they’re not used to pushy people like Cara. My family is full of Cara types, so for each of my deliveries, we didn’t tell anyone I was in labor. After each baby was born, we only called a small number of friends to tell them they could visit at the hospital. Other that that, no one know what hospital I was at or when the baby was born until a few days later when I could come home and send an email to friends and family myself, with all the details announcing that the baby was here. Sure, the news was 3 days old at that point, but at least I wasn’t bothered by unwelcome pushy people.

MeganAmy, they might have announced the birth quickly because some people might have known and were waiting on pins and needles.
With first child, we did not tell anyone that we were at the hospital, except my employer and hubby’s employer, due to the fact that we were not showing up at work. With my employer, they would have known why I was gone even if I hadn’t come out and stated it. I gave birth on my due date and had left work early the day before due to back pains. I didn’t want them waiting until the next work day to find out if it was a boy or a girl.
However, we didn’t let anyone else know. Still didn’t stop people from calling the hospital. Because it was my due date, I had “well meaning” relatives calling me the night before to check on me. Most I managed to pretend I wasn’t in labor and just tell them all was well and no baby on the horizon. But hubby’s sister called around 10 that night and we let it go to voice mail. Well, she kept calling, even throughout the night after we left for the hospital. Then she looked up the number of the hospital in our town and started calling there. We had left instructions for no calls to be put through, but at one point at noon when I was pushing, one operator slipped up and put the call through to my room. (11 years ago, so no HIPPA violation) Hubby told his sister off and hung up.
She was one of the last ones we called with the news. Fortunately, she lived too far away to pop in while I was in labor!

@anymousie, actually, yes, she did violate HIPAA. I had a catastrophic tragedy occur, and my children were dying in the NICU, but at some point in that crazy-hectic day, my husband did manage to mention to the charge nurse that other than our parents, we didn’t want any phone calls and signed some paperwork to that effect. Apparently, during a shift change or some such event, whoever was at the desk when the phone rang didn’t get that message.

@abbie, the post is anonymous. We’re all adults; vacuum extraction is a medical procedure, it’s not like she discussed the conception details. Yes, anyone who tells you childbirth is a breeze is lying.

Cara’s behavior was preposterous. The parents are in no way to blame; they were tired and I’m sure flustered when she arrived. We don’t know if the parents told the staff no visitors or not. As a nurse, I don’t feel the staff had the obligation to screen visitors, especially if they were not asked to.

@DGS I would have to agree with @anymousie, as long as she didn’t release medical information it’s not a HIPAA violation, because your ‘friend’ obviously already knew you were there, just really bad judgement and incredible insensitivity for transfering someone to you in that situation, maybe not a legal situation but still one that should have been reported to the nursing supervisor.
To – well a whole lot of other people – the hospitals I’ve been in here in MA recommend keeping the baby in your room as much as possible, but will always take the baby to the nursery if you want a nap. Any babies requiring special care are kept in a seperate nursery.
the smaller regional hospitals have the alarm system and the whole area locks down if you take the baby too close to the doors. Where my kids were born you can’t even carry the baby through the halls, they have to in the bassinets (harder to run with those clunky things) The NICU where my little one was transfered in the city every person has to sign in and then be approved by the nurse. Another hospital we’ve been to wouldn’t let anyone in without ID to check against our list of approved visitors and the baby’s specific hospital ID number that they gave us when she was in the ER
When I was in the ICU they really limited the number of people allowed to see me. and again, everyone had to show ID (same hospital)
As far as I know all pediatric units and ICU and CCU in this area are ‘locked’ wards, a nurse has to buzz you in.

ICU’s vary a lot. My brother-in-law was in a neurology ICU in Brooklyn in 2008, and they let my sister (obviously), me, and a couple of other friends visit at the same time. One of those friends is a nurse and knows the jargon, which might be why they let him in: but the one-visitor-at-a-time rule would have kept me out. I wouldn’t have complained: a sister-in-law isn’t in the same category as a spouse.

In response to many people’s comments about the whole “rooming in” situation, currently the World Health Organisation is working on the “Baby Friendly Hospital Initiative”. Many public health systems around the world are endevouring to become accredited “baby friendly hospitals”, which includes the guideline that babies are not to be separated from their mothers, whilst at hospital, for more then an hour (health of mum and baby permitting). The idea behind this is to increase breastfeeding initiation rates and improve bonding. Obviously different parts of the world and different health systems are at various stages of implementing this, but the concept of sending the baby off to the nursery, no questions asked, is quickly becoming a thing of the past. Probably and good thing, as there’s often not enough nurses around anyway!

Reading through the messages, I am just stunned at the implicit accusation of dishonesty aimed at those who have described hospital experiences where the baby was kept in the nursery and brought when called for by those who had their baby with them the entire time. The former is what occurs in my area, and I had no idea it was not the normative procedure. When did people become so arrogant that we assume that if someone speaks of an experience very different from our own that they must be a liar? Ridiculous.

My understanding is that the nursery thing (babies kept in nursery and brought to the room when needed) was pretty much the standard a generation ago, but that due to more recent studies that have showed that babies need “kangaroo time” and to be kept close to their parents, hospitals are slowly redoing their maternity wards to reflect this. I’ve had three babies at two different hospitals. The first hospital had a nursery where babies would be taken for shots, tests that couldn’t be done in room, and if the parents needed a break. (A parent could accompany the baby when he/she was taken to the nursery for tests, and my husband did.) The second hospital didn’t have a nursery at all. If you needed the break and asked the nurse to take her for a while, they would keep the baby behind the desk with the nurses. So I wouldn’t say that either option is shocking or unusual, just that there used to be a trend in one direction and it’s been changing, but at a guess I would say that the majority of hospitals now prefer babies to be kept in-room.

We didn’t have any problems, for the most part, with people barging in. We had told our families that we would call them after the birth, because we wanted a little time to bond first. For my first baby, we had told my parents the night before that we were going to the hospital. In the morning, when they hadn’t heard anything, they just headed to the hospital. They figured they’d bring books and hang out in the waiting room until we notified them, they were just so excited that they couldn’t stay still at home. They hadn’t even intended to tell us they were there until we called them to tell them we were ready, but a nurse told us after the birth was over. We let them wait a little bit while we enjoyed our new little one, and then when we handed her to the nurse to get cleaned up and eyedrops and all that, my husband went out to tell them they could come in.

However, my husband had worked at the hospital at the time, and a coworker who was a good friend came by (invited) to see the baby. I stood up to get the baby to show him, and he noticed my still-bulging stomach. “Wow, got another one in there?” I will probably remember that comment to my dying day as a huge blow to my self-esteem at a time I felt incredibly self-conscious already. He wasn’t being intentionally cruel, it just popped out, as he’s generally a nice guy. I was just very sensitive at the time.

Wow. Just wondering how the OP knew she was the only one sent the photos from this crazy womam?

I thought sercurity would be tighter, or more vigliant. A receptionist saying “no, you are not a relation the parents are sleeping go away before I CALL sercurity and get you escorted.” Cara either lied or sneaked in maybe taking some indirect route. The parents should’ve kickd her out. If I was a new mother who had gone through a changeling birth I would not be in my right polite state of mind and would have said in no uncertain and even rude terms to LEAVE me alone. Maybe even call staff to get her removed.

Publishing baby photos to everyone over the work email and crashing it? Wow. Even if she was the step daugther of someone high up in the company she should still face the sack – she is a liabilty: crashing the email system would have cost the companies involved valuable time and money if not loss of business. The company could have missed out on a very important client/investor too.

Surely there are repercussions for posting somene’s baby’s photos? In the UK/European Union there are strict rules before photos of children can be published. The main one is getting consent from the child’s parents or responsible adult whether that is a relation, guardian or ophanage matron etc. From volunteering at a children’s charity that works in African and Asian countires selecting pictures of projects can be quite trickey. And there are good reasons for this: it’s child protection.

@YellowZinnias, maybe I’m missing something but I didn’t notice anyone calling anyone else a liar, just a lot of people being shocked at how varied the policies are.
@Enna there is no law against posting pictures of other people thru email or on facebook, etc in the US (maybe regionally…) but the online etiquette is to get permission from individual or the parent of a young child first.

Part of me thinks this girl wasn’t dense. Part of me thinks she showed up to the hospital despite the request not to because it would give her exclusive rights. “The parents weren’t the ones to say ‘don’t come’ so I’ll go. I’ll send a couple pictures to OP to show she doesn’t rule me. Then I’ll make a whole presentation to the company to gloat.” Personally the parents should have complained to the hospital and to that girl’s bosses for “endangering the health of others”. I’m sure they would love to know that one of their employees can’t follow the simplest of instructions.

On a side note, that girl was pretty bold. I called a friend who had a baby and was till in the hospital as to whether or not she was okay with me visiting while she still in the hospital. I felt so bad when my call woke her and hubby from their nap. They were okay with it especially since I called instead of just showing up but I still felt bad.

My husbands brother just had a baby 5 days ago, I was in the room when she had the baby and I have two children,which in each birth I didn’t care who was in the room, I needed all the help I could get as pushing with my first 8 pounder was hell… With my daughter who was 9pounds 12oz at 38 weeks the same ,needed all the help I could get..I also had the births video taped, that magical happening u will never get back, they r 16 and 13 now..They don’t allow videoing of the birth it self now because of legall issues, but going back to my sister inlaw who just had a baby, I have not seen mom or baby since she had him five days ago,They are all at home (live 5mins away) but I have called everyday to check on everybody. They want no visitors, it got to the point that the lady across the street was just walking in..So instead of feeling or trying with a new babe, leaving the front door open and being able to relax they have had to close all curtains ,front door with a sign” No visiters please, it has been hard on me as I am worried about mom and wanna see baby, but I get it, ur nervous, u have no sleep, baby is trying to get the grove on,lol concerning he is no longer in that nice warm place all curled up, this is her first baby in a long time, she has three or oldest 24 but still its new everytime..To each their own and we must respect that..Plus she is breast feeding and a bundle of nerves about that..I know I will see the baby soon..But what that lady was allowed to do UGH! wondering why the husband didn’t nicely stop her from video taping! Is she crazy? and pics! that was a slap in the face… Sounds like the parents were super nice, I would have told her to go look at the babbies in the window and to leave mine the hell alone! By the way since she sent pics to everyone, have u copied this all these posts and given them to her?