from the mundane to the mundane and back again

Long time Red Bank landmark Ballew Jewelers is going out of business. They were known for decades as Reussilles which is a great name for a jeweler, vaguely aristocratic and classy. a couple of years ago they changed their name to something that sounds like an old Bob & Ray routine (Wally Ballou). Anyhow, they’re going out of business, which sucks because they’ve been around forever and everyone who works there is cool. It’s their going out of business sale that has me a bit perplexed. The sale seems to be run by guys who would do a Dollar Store going out of business sale. First they have a bunch of quasi homeless people walking around the streets with big black t-shirts emblazoned with the words BALLEW JEWELERS GOING OUT OF BUSINESS UP TO 80% OFF. I’m happy these people have some work but I can’t afford expensive jewelry even at 80% off and I don’t know if some affluent person tooling around in an Escalade is going to notice. Unless this is what they’re going for,(imaginary cell-phone call)”Hey, I just ran over some homeless guy and he was wearing a shirt saying that Ballew Jewelers was having a going out of business sale. After I ditch the body I’ll check it out.”. Then there’s the Santa that’s outside the store. He doesn’t have a white beard, just an unkempt chin beard and he doesn’t have a bell, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing but he mimes having a bell. The bell miming doesn’t look so much like he’s ringing an imaginary bell as shaking a fist at people which is a bit off putting. As performance art their going out of business sale is a success.

There’s a sculpture of Bruce Springsteen in Jacks Music front window, a few weeks ago the artist who sculptured it asked if he could display it. Since there was a live Springsteen DVD being released one of the managers said it would be ok. Now I’m hardly qualified to comment on the actual sculpture but it’s the presentation that gets me. The head is on a piece of rebar jammed into a block of wood, with the words “The Boss” scrawled in red paint. It looks a little creepy like something from Lord of the Flies.

Times are tough and sometimes you have to be inventive to find your own niche. With this in mind here’s a new job I invented just for me, The Town Frowner. A brief explanation: I would be hired by the town of Red Bank (where I live and work) to walk around town*. Wherever there was new construction or building improvements I would go and stand in front of the building in question, wearing a ceremonial uniform (based on those worn by European royalty; a crown,ermine cape and bejeweled scepter) and depending on my mood, either smile or frown. A smile would mean “good job, carry on” and I’d add a small positive comment like “That bird feeder looks like a tiny version of your house, well done” or “Kudos, those gargoyles are sufficiently gruesome”. Of course a frown would be a death knell for the project and all work would stop. A short derisive comment would be added as well, for example “ Hold up there buddy, a two car garage?! Who do you think you are Donald Trump?”, or “What’s with the new lawn? You’re setting a bad example for us plain folks, just paint the dirt green like the pilgrims did.” or “Two dogs!?! What do think this is a zoo?” Ok, to be honest I’ve been doing the Town Frowner thing on a freelance basis for awhile now and I’ve actually said those things to various townsfolk. Unfortunately most people don’t take my criticism in the spirit it was given and I’ve heard it all from my so-called neighbors; “nut job”, “Get off my property”, “kook”, “Is that my veal?”, “crazy person”, “put on some pants”. I’ve also been pelted with rocks and garbage, but I’m not giving up. I think if I was made official Town Frowner incidents of punching and insulting me would go down and I wouldn’t be arrested as much. Clearly a win, win situation. Your move Red Bank.

*If it was inclement weather I would have a horse drawn carriage at my disposal

Another short lived Red bank icon closed it’s doors, actually it was quite a while ago but I just took pictures of it. With such a great name I’m surprised they went out of business. I mean Christ, with a name like that you’d think they be selling odor removal products (example:”Aauugh! What’s that smell? Get the anti-stink spray and light a fucking scented candle, Jesus!”). Anyway, in figure 2 somebody put up a witty bon mot on a post-it note and then proceeded to tape the hell out of it. It’s been amusing Red Bank citizens for well over six months. I would have thought that the new window treatment store would have taken it down when they put up their “coming soon” window banner.