At the physics exam: 'Describe the universe in 200 words and give three examples.'

Q: What do physicists enjoy doing the most at baseball games?A: The 'wave'.

The Stanford Linear Accelerator Center was known as SLAC, until the big earthquake, when it became known as SPLAC. SPLAC? Stanford Piecewise Linear Accelerator.

A student recognizes Einstein in a train and asks: Excuse me, professor, but does New York stop by this train?

Researchers in Fairbanks Alaska announced last week that they have discovered a superconductor which will operate at room temperature.

The answer to the problem was "log(1+x)". A student copied the answer from the good student next to him, but didn't want to make it obvious that he was cheating, so he changed the answer slightly, to "timber(1+x)"

One day in class, Richard Feynman was talking about angular momentum. He described rotation matrices and mentioned that they did not commute. He said that Sir William Hamilton discovered noncommutivity one night when he was taking a walk in his garden with Lady Hamilton. As they sat down on a bench, there was a moment of passion. It was then that he discovered that AB did not equal BA.

Why did the chicken cross the road? Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends on your frame of reference.

Over time, people die and enter Heaven, but no one comes back from Heaven,so the number of souls in Heaven is constantly increasing. Of course, thesesouls have to be coming from somewhere, otherwise the law of conservationof mass is being violated. Where the souls are coming from is of courseEarth. Now the Bible says that the righteous go on to live in the kingdomof God for eternity. Thus, Heaven has an infinite duration. But the Earthhas a finite mass and if souls are leaving it at some rate then eventuallyits mass will be depleted below zero, which is impossible - nothing canhave negative mass. Therefore Heaven cannot exist. A similar argumentapplies to Hell, Gehennom, Elysium, Hades, and any other form ofafterlife. (The special case of reincarnation is somewhat more difficultand will not be presented here.)

Note: The preceding paragraph is a work of satire. It contains numerousscientific and mathematical errors. Please do not bother contacting me ifyou only want to point out these errors. Otherwise, write away! - Ed.

On the other hand, if you if you have comments or improvements on thistheory that are in the same spirit as this was written you can send them tothis site - Joachim.

Fellow grad student: I want to tell you something. I'm pregnant.me: Oh! Er...congrats. But you can't work with (zoonotic virus) any more, right? Did you speak to (our advisor)?Fellow grad student: Yeah, we're still discussing what to do about it.me: Maybe you should change your thesis to "In vivo generation of reassortants".