If it's "hardwired," then it can't change. It's part of the hardware, like sexual orientation. If your attraction to big people can change, then it isn't hardwired.

For my part, my attraction to BBWs has been there from Day One and never changed.

There have been shifts within those parameters. For instance, while pear-shaped women with bulbous hips, butts, and thighs remain my 'ideal' type, I've developed a MUCH stronger appreciation of big bellies over time. I think this has to do with my wife, who is big all over but whose belly has gotten really big over the years In fact, I always feel less-than-fully satisfied if we make love without a fair bit of belly play. Does this mean I have a "belly fetish?"

(It also took me years to recognize the degree to which I find weight gain, in and of itself, intensely sexually exciting, but that's more about self-discovery than 'changing' preferences, probably).

I'm certainly capable of appreciating a beautiful thin woman, and, like I said before, have been able to be aroused by thinner woman in intimate situations. But for the most part, when I admire a thin woman, it's as an appreciation of her beauty, but not in a deeply desiring or sexual way; more like admiring a painting than being turned on sexually.

Over the years, I've come to a certain conclusion about myself.
I can be attracted to average to supersized partners however what has not changed has been my interest in feedism. Be they thin or fat the anticipation is always with the gain and it is always in the back of my mind.

In this regard, I actually think I'll have to classify myself more as a feeder as opposed to an FA, since that is my greater interest.

I call myself a lifelong FA because ever since I first became interested in girls, I have gravitated toward chubby and fat females. I definitely view it as a preference and not a fetish. In junior high, I was immensely turned on by girls and teachers with thick thighs and full hips, and not so attracted to truly fat girls. As I have grown older and been a long-time member of boards like these, my preferences have expanded to include the beauty and sexual allure of super size BBWs (300 to 500 lbs.) as well.

I have always been turned on by big bellies on women, which has evolved to liking to look at huge male bellies as well and loving my own big belly. And watching a woman stuff herself and her belly expand (as many of my female relatives would do during holiday get-togethers), definitely fueled my adolescent and teenage sexual fantasies and develop my attraction to stuffing as a turn-on as well. I would call my love of big bellies and attraction to stuffing definitely fetishes. They do not have to be present for me to be turned-on or attracted to a woman but they definitely add pleasure to my overall sexual arousal.

My love of fat women is definitely a preference but one I could not change even if I wanted to. I have been hot wired that way every since I can remember and while I can look at an attractive slim or regular size woman and say to myself "Boy she is nice looking" and even compliment her as such, the only way I can get sexually turned-on is if a woman is chubby or fat. Such preferences is what makes life so rich. Different strokes for different folks.

To clarify, comparing being gay to being a FA, I meant for the teen who thinks there is something wrong with them, they are the only one, wishing they were like everyone else, kind of things.No FA faces the prejudice that the LGBT community faces.I like seeing the responses.I do still stand by what I said.

__________________
“We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence is therefore not an act, but a habit.” Aristotle

[QUOTE=fuelingfire;2118444][FONT=Calibri][SIZE=3]No FA faces the prejudice that the LGBT community faces.[QUOTE]

Of course not. For one thing, you're comparing the experience of an individual to that of an entire community. Perhaps we could accomplish more by focusing on the fact that both communities face prejudice and asking how we can best overcome it, rather than competing to decide who has more misery.

__________________
Now all you women,
Don't you come around
Unless you weigh
'Bout fo' hundred pound...
-- Dr. Feelgood & the Interns

All of the below is in the context of sexual attraction from FFA to the opposite sex, not the social aspect of fat acceptance.

From a colloquial standpoint, fetish has a very negative connotation that most people steer away from; I don't think many people proudly scream that word from the rooftops. However, from a medical standpoint "fetish" seems to be used in two ways.

One is that a (and i quote) 'deviant' sexual drive can ONLY be stimulated by the fetish. Deviant also has very negative social connotation and is starting to be frowned upon in papers because it means to "violate social norms". It is a term that is becoming as outdated as 'race'.

Some papers tend use fetish to describe the sexualization of a non sexual body part. For example; I personally find a guy's thick thighs and big belly sexually arousing. My husband jokes that he never would have thought HIS belly is MY erogenous zone.

So I guess I COULD be classified as having a fetish. However: I personally roll my eyes at this because breasts are a functional part of rearing children. Butts are where poop comes out of. Neither SHOULD be sexy, but the general populace has decided they are, so it is generally accepted.

I think that for some, a heavier body is as much a preference as blonde hair. Visually appealing, but in no way gets your engine revving. For some, it is an absolute requirement to becoming aroused. For many, it will be some shade in between, with other variables coming into play.

I can't quite say I have a "preference" for fat because to me that is like saying I prefer white bread over whole wheat, or I prefer guys with blue eyes. It is more than that, for me. I can't quite say I have a "fetish" in the first way, because fat is not REQUIRED for me to achieve an orgasm (it certainly helps). Again, I could say I have a fetish because I find a big belly or thick thighs sexually attractive. I don't get upset is someone uses the word, but I do put a caveat on their statement that it isn't my be all-end all in a partner.

I found the term "erotic stimuli" and I like it enough that I think i will commandeer it. For me, fat is an erotic stimuli; it is not my only one, but is a strong one.

--
As an aside: While trying to do some general searches I typed in "Sex things that get you -" and google autofilled it with "--on the sex offenders list".

WHAT?! NO! I was going to type "horny!"

We are wondering if liking fat is a preference vs fetish...while other people are trying to confirm what acts would put them on the sex offenders list. Perspective!

glad this is a topic of discussion..i've thought about this long and hard of late. for the longest time i considered my affinity for bbw's as a fetish, neglecting the fact that i always found skinnier women attractive as well. in that respect, i'd say it's definitely a preference. now, the feedee thing is definitely a fetish, as it's something i've explored with both bbw's and smaller women, and i was never able to differentiate the two in my own mind. as ive grown older, i'm able to reconcile the two and understand the difference between preference and fetish.

the thing that used to give me problems when i was younger was how to share my fetishes (when it would come up in conversation, because it inevitably always did) with whomever i was dating without weirding them out to the point of alienation, but i'm also starting to realize that feederism, although it plays on aspects which all people are sort of into, is a pretty unique fetish.

I tend to think that the guys that simply prefer a fatter female body get easily confused with the fetishists.

That being said, I get Fat and Proud's point. However, FA or not, that guy was making a booty call out of you when you felt more. Whether it was about your size or not, he wasn't what YOU want/need as far as his "feelings" for you go, obviously.

There is nothing wrong with you. You are quite lovely. You will find what YOU want in due time.

He isn't going to change. All you can change is where you focus your attention.

__________________
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

"The longing of my heart is a fairy portrait of myself: I want to be pretty; I want to eliminate facts and fill up the gap with charms."

"See these eyes so green, I can stare for a thousand years, Colder than the moon
It's been so long and I've been putting out fire with gasoline"

IMHO there really isn't much of a distinction between FAs and so called fetishists. FA's are guys who are sexually attracted to fat women. Fat fetishists are just FAs who haven't learn to filter their communications.

It's unfortunate that after 3 FAs gave her, IMO, good advice. Which really had nothing to do with being an FA. Then someone comes into the FA forum with a post expressing bigotry toward FAs. There is no safety for FAs even in the FA forum. It's been made clear in many other forum post at Dims, that most people who are pro size acceptance, are quick to dismiss FAs and say negative things about them. This isn't meant as an attack on Fatandproud. But it's annoying to see coming into a forum for FAs.

__________________
“We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence is therefore not an act, but a habit.” Aristotle

IMHO there really isn't much of a distinction between FAs and so called fetishists. FA's are guys who are sexually attracted to fat women. Fat fetishists are just FAs who haven't learn to filter their communications.

I'll have to respectfully but vociferously disagree on the fat fetishists. An FA is attracted to fat women. A fetishist is attracted to the fat itself.

I think at attraction or preference for BBWs is no different than a preference for blondes or a certain ethnicity. It's a preference for a certain type. That someone has a preference or "type" is not considered abnormal for just about any other physical characteristic other than size/weight. Why then are we so quick to dismiss FAs as fetishists?

Granted I think there are fat fetishists out there. But like I said once already, I think a fetishist may be embarrassed to be seen in public or by his friends, or is more likely to use a fat woman for sex, or is attracted to the fat itself (just like some people have a foot fetish or any of the countless others out there). So an FA may see a BBW whose fat attracts him to the person a fetishist may be attracted to the fat itself with no actual interest in the person.

Is there some overlap? I'd be willing to say without a doubt, yes. But to lump them together as one and the same...laughably inaccurate.

No one's attracted to fat per se -- FAs are attracted to fat bodies (and not all fat bodies are equally attractive -- just like not all thin bodies are equally attractive). Most FAs (like most people) have multiple relationships over their lives. Some are purely physical -- others something more. Does a guy who has a purely physical relationship with a fat girl one year and a more serious relationship with another equally fat girl the next year magically change from a fetishist to a more respectable FA?

IMHO there really isn't much of a distinction between FAs and so called fetishists. FA's are guys who are sexually attracted to fat women. Fat fetishists are just FAs who haven't learn to filter their communications.

Please let me clarify: I consider my fiance an FA. He was with women bigger than myself before me, liked them at their size, likes women my size, does not harrass me to gain weight (or lose it) and seems to see "beauty" in my body/self. He's happy with me how I am.

Seeing me naked turns him on or the way my arse sticks out in dress. An ex boyfriend and an ex husband seemed to be happy with such things, too. They do not need to watch me eat cheesecake or talk about becoming immobile to get a boner.

THAT is the big difference I see in men with a preference and some of the fetishists I have met on Dims. Simple enough for me.

__________________
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

"The longing of my heart is a fairy portrait of myself: I want to be pretty; I want to eliminate facts and fill up the gap with charms."

"See these eyes so green, I can stare for a thousand years, Colder than the moon
It's been so long and I've been putting out fire with gasoline"

Does a guy who has a purely physical relationship with a fat girl one year and a more serious relationship with another equally fat girl the next year magically change from a fetishist to a more respectable FA?

This is a non-starter because it assumes (wrongly) that a guy who is in a purely physical relationship with a fat girl is a fetishist to begin with. It's flawed from the onset. I did this a few times before I was married. I had purely physical relationships with a couple women who I found attractive, and in which both parties knew there was no long term connection. That isn't a fetish, that's a casual sexual relationship between mutually attracted partners. That the women happened to be fat didn't make me a fetishist. It made me a guy who likes fat women.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Green Eyed Fairy

Please let me clarify: I consider my fiance an FA. He was with women bigger than myself before me, liked them at their size, likes women my size, does not harrass me to gain weight (or lose it) and seems to see "beauty" in my body/self. He's happy with me how I am.

Seeing me naked turns him on or the way my arse sticks out in dress. An ex boyfriend and an ex husband seemed to be happy with such things, too. They do not need to watch me eat cheesecake or talk about becoming immobile to get a boner.

THAT is the big difference I see in men with a preference and some of the fetishists I have met on Dims. Simple enough for me.

Well said.

As I already suggested, a fetishist may be attracted to fat itself, feeding, gaining, etc. An FA is one who is just simply attracted to a person who happens to be fat. He doesn't need any of that other stuff. I certainly don't.

It's a reaction to (radioisotope-of?) all of the crude, boorish,anti-social, & generally degrading behavior that's put on fat women...for being fat. When, of course, in reality, it's more to do with the person exhibiting it. And how we, any of us, all of us-at one point or another, have tolerated it. Been a party to it. That this folder if not the entire forum and fat community writ large at some level represents. For them. Or anyone. At one point or another.

So, basically, you'd do better to step away, for a minute, from the idea of a safe space. And just realize that, no matter where you go, you're still basically out there in the world. With other people. Who have plenty of baggage of their own.

Who don't like you.

Who will never like you.

Because of who you are, yes; but also as much for precisely what that means only for them.

So, fairly, I think you -can- fault her. But more so for how everything's necessarily couched in the lolz-on-lolz-on-top-of-more-lolz.

... I had purely physical relationships with a couple women who I found attractive, and in which both parties knew there was no long term connection. That isn't a fetish, that's a casual sexual relationship between mutually attracted partners. That the women happened to be fat didn't make me a fetishist. It made me a guy who likes fat women.

...

In the eyes of many people outside of the BBW/FA community you would indeed be considered a fetishist (as would I).

A term women seem to use more than men applies here -- "I like what I like". Lots of guys like women with big breasts, lots of guys like women with large butts and thighs, somewhat fewer men like really big bellies. If a guy tells his girl OMG I love your huge breasts its unlikely that without more he'd be considered a fetishist. If he says to his girl that he really likes her huge bottom he may or may not be considered a fetishist. But if he says OMG your huge fat belly is so sexy in all likelihood he'll be considered a fetishist.

In my books a fetish is just a like that is less broadly appreciated. Therefore, the determination of what is and what isn't a fetish is situational. Thus the terms FA and Fat Fetishist merely create a distinction without difference.

I once called a 500 lb casual partner "my sexy fat girl" she broke into tears and wouldn't talk to me for a week. Going forward I kept my comments about a partner's body to size to myself. Whenever guys articulate their carnal thoughts they are at risk of being labeled a fetishist or objectifier of women. Best to keep your mouth shut an enjoy your partners abundance in silence.

In the eyes of many people outside of the BBW/FA community you would indeed be considered a fetishist (as would I).

Certainly, but that's a matter of opinion on their part. And counter to that opinion are many who also recognize that preference, regardless of how mainstream or non-mainstream it may be perceived, is simply preference and that having a preference that may not be as wide spread as others does not in and over itself make a fetish.

Quote:

Originally Posted by bigmac

A term women seem to use more than men applies here -- "I like what I like". Lots of guys like women with big breasts, lots of guys like women with large butts and thighs, somewhat fewer men like really big bellies. If a guy tells his girl OMG I love your huge breasts its unlikely that without more he'd be considered a fetishist. If he says to his girl that he really likes her huge bottom he may or may not be considered a fetishist. But if he says OMG your huge fat belly is so sexy in all likelihood he'll be considered a fetishist.

This is actually similar to a point I've already made. A fetishist may be attracted to the fat itself. A fetishist may be aroused by the act of feeding or by the idea of his partner gaining. A fetishist may be attracted to a certain part a number on the scale more so than the actual person. But someone who simply appreciates the way the whole package (forgive the expression) appears is just a guy who has a preference. It certainly does not make him a fetishist.

Quote:

Originally Posted by bigmac

In my books a fetish is just a like that is less broadly appreciated. Therefore, the determination of what is and what isn't a fetish is situational. Thus the terms FA and Fat Fetishist merely create a distinction without difference.

To you, yes. But to a lot of guys whose preferences are for normal girls who weigh more than other normal girls there is a huge distinction between our preferences and fetishists. I recognize you are working off a subjective definition. I just think it's an over simplification. I've encountered it before. In some cases it's intellectual laziness: a lack of effort to understand why someone's preferences would be different. In other cases it's a lack of ability to understand. I'm sure you've given it a lot of though over time and am not accusing you of falling into one of these two categories. But that is definitely true of the staggering majority of people who lump 'em all together.

Quote:

Originally Posted by bigmac

I once called a 500 lb casual partner "my sexy fat girl" she broke into tears and wouldn't talk to me for a week. Going forward I kept my comments about a partner's body to size to myself. Whenever guys articulate their carnal thoughts they are at risk of being labeled a fetishist or objectifier of women. Best to keep your mouth shut an enjoy your partners abundance in silence.

Communication is wildly important. When I first started to venture out of the FA closet I mistakenly believed my preference for fat women would itself be endearing enough to these women. Dead wrong. I had to learn quickly that when a woman asked why I was attracted to her (translation: Why would I want to date a fat woman) I had to find a way to honestly communicate the preferences I had, or my "type" and that she fit that basic type. From there it was a matter of getting to know each other and hoping we had something we could build around. I got good at it over time, but it was sometimes a very steep and painful learning curve.

Yes, communication is very important. However, it must be remembered that what is not said can be just as important as what is. Having an appropriate filter is essential. When it comes to communicating with fat women in many instances its best that FAs keep their thoughts to themselves.

Well, I for one remain confused about the difference between FA and 'fetishist.' I can't really grasp the idea that the 'fetishist' is 'only attracted to fat.' Who lusts after a disembodied lump of fat? We're all attracted to fat WOMEN not fat per se. So that can't be the distinction. Other distinctions invoked in this thread include extreme fantasies or one-dimensional behaviors (e.g., feeding someone to immobility, obsessing over numbers on the scale). Maybe this is closer to the mark. It's still a bit tricky, because most FAs probably are on a continuum here - we like weight gain even if it's not carried to extremes, we like discovering what the scale says, we tend to especially enjoy the fattest part of our mate's body (belly, butt, whatever). But we like other things beyond that.

It sounds to me like we want to call a 'fetishist' those who have a very OBJECTIFYING one-dimensional approach to BBWs - framing them purely as objects to be fattened, or weighed, etc.. And we want to call 'FAs' those who have a more fully-rounded, mature approach to women. Now I can get behind that. But is this how the word 'fetish' is used outside the FA community? Is a foot fetishist a guy who objectifies women's feet, excluding any other consideration than that, or just a guy for whom the sexiest part of a woman is the foot?

Whatever the case may be, I don't like being called a 'fat fetishist.' First, it makes it sounds like I want to get it on with a big lump of fat rather than a fat woman. Second, it seems to imply some deviant obsessiveness, when in fact I'm no different from a guy who lusts after thin women - I just like my ladies rotund.

There absolutely are guys who are only interested in women who are gaining weight, or who are at very extreme weights. And since 'relationships' based on such narrow and likely damaging footing tend not to be as long lasting as ones with broader and more sustainable basis, these guys can inflict themselves on quite a number of women over their lives, and potentially hit on many more (making it seem like people of their persuasion are more common than they really are).

Of course, the ones who are really open about by asking every woman on ever fat related site if they'll meet the guy's fantasy are annoying, but the really dangerous ones are the ones who can cover up what they really want, and just try to manipulate someone into doing what they want, while claiming otherwise. "No, I'm not a feeder, I just love your body as it is" while trying to manipulate a partner into gaining weight, for example.

Sadly, such people do exist (likely more men than women, but almost certainly existing in both genders -- just based on general trends for anti-social behavior). You can't blame someone whose been afflicted by such a person for distrusting every other person who says the same things -- their experience is that the words don't match the actions.

All we can really do on a site like this is be open about the fact that manipulating your partner is not good, that if you feel you are being manipulated that is a big warning sign, and help people work through their feelings by talking them over. But sadly the worst offenders don't care that anyone else thinks it is wrong, they are going to do what appeals to them and will do what they can from anyone ever seeing past their mask.

__________________Criticism is so often nothing more than the eye garrulously denouncing the shape of the peephole that gives access to hidden treasure.

While FA indeed has no standard definition as it is a sub-culture term, 'fetishist' is an established psychological expression with a pretty clear-cut general clinical and linguistic definition, being:

A person whose sexual desire or gratification is linked to an abnormal degree to a particular object, activity, part of the body, etc.

So if fat is an necessity for sexual desire or gratification, we're talking about fetishism.

Looking back at the OPs question - yes that probably was a fat fetishist who was only looking for his sexual gratification.
If you enjoy the sex - fine, but leave it on the physical leavel. Don't invest any real emotions.

I think one of the reasons F/FAs have become emotionally sensitive about it is the same reason why heavier people have.

Because fat people are lazy, stupid, weak. Right?
FFA are creepy, destructive, and fetishists. Right?

Both are misconceptions because there ARE people who fit that description. I think that in order to counteract this for BHM and BBW a zero tolerance approach to hate seemed to have been adopted. However, some backlash /generically negative statements against F/FA is tolerated. The reason there was a rise is that the statement was all encompassing - there was no qualifier to say "some" ffa.

And for some, silence could be considered damning agreement.

But regardless - i think the OP is better off without him, because FFa or not he sounds like a prick!

So if fat is an necessity for sexual desire or gratification, we're talking about fetishism.

...

Fat is necessary for desire for 99% of straight males. Fat is what makes women look like women. This is true for even thin women. Indeed if a woman's body has too little fat she becomes infertile (a level of skinniness the vast majority of straight men find unattractive).