Casey : Good morning, prez! You all set for your first officers' meeting?

Ashleigh : I guess so. How are you doing?

Casey : Good. You know, I'm going to have some free time now so I thought I'd get a head start on finals.

Ashleigh : I know you better than that. This is crazy awkward, right? You should be president, not me. I didn't even run I have no business being president. You know, I'm going to announce my resignation at the meeting and appoint you. I can do that.

Casey : You can't do that.

Ashleigh : Really? See? No business. You should've won.

Casey : I was so preoccupied with beating Frannie, I never considered what the house really wanted. You won the election, they want you. We'd better get a move on. How would it look if you were late to your first officers's meeting?

Ashleigh : Pretty bad, right?

Casey : I just... I pass this on to you in the meeting. It's a ritual. It's in he book of rules and rituals.

Ashleigh : OK, then, we'd better follow the book.

Casey : Which I'll give you at the meeting, too.

CRU

Rusty : Two more weeks left in freshmen year, isn't that crazy? Which means we only have 2 more weeks to do all the things we wanted to do in the dorm.

Dale : Such as?

Rusty : We always talked about sleeping overnight in the laundry room dryers. Or sneaking up onto the roof.

Dale : No, I've got too much respect for law and country and not enough time for shenanigans. I gotta find my new dorm for next year. I'm leaning toward Appleby and Wohlford, but the bathroom situation is not ideal. I mean, come on. Low-flush toilets? That's not gonna get the job done.

Rusty : I thought you'd stay here.

Dale : I can't. My new roommate's not in honors engineering.

Rusty : You already have a new roommate?

Dale : Well, you're shipping off to Kappa Torrid, and I couldn't just wait around and see what kind of nutbag the school stuck me with.

Rusty : So who's the lucky guy?

Dale : My old purity pledge bro, Kirk.

Rusty : The one who goes to Bob Jones University?

Dale : Went. It's in South Carolina and the climate wreaked havoc on his adenoids, so he's transferring. But he's more or less the coolest dude I know. Don't mind if he stays with us for a few days? Just to get our routine down.

Dale : Good one! You're stealthy, man. I always said you should be a sniper!

Kirk : I appreciate that, Dale!

Rusty : I'm Rusty.

Kirk : Right.

Dale : Here's what we do, get lunch, take a tour of Appleby, then go to the chapel.

Credits

ZBZ HOUSE – Meeting room

Casey : Welcome everyone to our first post-elections officers meeting. So, I know this past week was... surprising for everyone. But it's time for all of us to look ahead as we transition to our new regime. So in the spirit of passing the torch, I'm proud to pass on the presidential gavel to my best friend and fellow sister, Ashleigh Howard. Sorry, sticky fingers. Anyway, your newly-elected president will now tell you what we, she, has coming this Friday.

Ashleigh : This Friday at 7:30, Casey... We... have booked Dobler's for a night of sister bonding and fun before the end of the year!

Betsy : Actually, since I'm the new social chair, shouldn't I be the one making that announcement?

Ashleigh : Right, yes. I'm sorry.

Betsy : It's OK.

Laura : Excuse me, point of order!

Ashleigh : Yes, Laura?

Laura : Shouldn't we look ahead to next year's Rush instead of Dobler's? I mean, I get you were social chair and all but what's going on with fraternity Pref? Have the Omega Chis asked us yet?

Wade : Cap’, it's not a big deal. So, you like to have one girlfriend.

Cappie : Hey, I also like to have sex with hot chicks. Which I met a few during Speed Dating.

Wade : Speed dating?

Cappie : I went with Spitter for moral support.

Beaver : Look, Wade means that when people call you a serial monogamist...

Cappie : Hold on! People call me that?

Wade : All the time.

Cappie : Really? This is worse than I thought. Serial monogamist is just a stone's throw away from being "the marrying kind." I need to re-establish my reputation as the Titan of Tawdry. I need a threesome.

Wade : You can't just make a threesome happen.

Cappie : Yes, I can. And guess what? I will. This Saturday night. But I'll need help from both of you. Don't flatter yourselves.

CRU – Rusty & Dale’s room

Rusty : I've got the pepperoni.

Kirk : More'zah!

Rusty : Thursday's usually our'zah day, Dale.

Dale : I totally forgot. God, I'm sorry. I figured you were eating most of your meals, at the frat house by now.

Rusty : That'd be next year.

Kirk : You're in a fraternity?

Dale : Can you believe it? Your buddy Dale has lived a year with a liberal fornicator.

Rusty : As opposed to the conservative kind? Why are there chess pieces on my bed?

Dale : I figure, since we're going our separate ways, with you choosing to live in that petri dish and me taking the high road... Kirk, you OK? I figured we should divide up the community property. Amicably, of course. I just don't know how to split up the chess board. I don't know if we cut it in half, or just divide up the red and black squares?

Rusty : Maybe I could hold onto it until next year, so we could play then?

Dale : C’mon fight me for custody of the board? You're not gonna play it at the frat house. They're more the Chutes and Ladders crowd.

Kirk : I can actually taste the fennel in the pepperoni. This pizza is fennelicious.

Rusty : Fennelicious?

Dale : That's funny, right? Kirk's always had a very healthy appetite and quite a facility with language, kind of like James Joyce, with the making up new words. And whatnot. It is fennelicious.

Kirk : See?

ZBZ HOUSE – Casey & Ashleigh’s room

Ashleigh : So, a four-hour meeting wasn't a good sign, right?

Casey : The house is definitely divided and the Frannie faction seems intent on making your life hell. So does Frannie. She just can't give up.

Ashleigh : I can ask Frannie for help ust this once, right? She's still a sister.

Casey : No! She's ingratiating herself again. She's using Evan as her weapon. The 1st rule of a good president is never let someone else tell you what to do.

Ashleigh : That makes sense.

Casey : So here's what you're gonna do...

EXT. CRU

Rusty : I'm just moving across campus and Dale seems to think I'm going to the moon. And the guy he's planning on replacing me with? "Kirk." Is it just me, or is that a really stupid name? You can never tell if he's saying Kirk or Kurt. So annoying. He also does this play-by-play of every bite of food that he chews. He described his gum as a minty fresh piece of paradise.

Calvin : That's a little weird.

Rusty : And Dale seems to think he's the second coming. You know what he does for fun? He hides in weird places then he jumps out of them to scare the crap out of Dale. Last night, I got home, I reached into my clothes hamper, and Kirk jumped out. He'd been hiding in there for an hour. I almost had a heart attack. Who does that?

Calvin : Apparently, the second coming?

Rusty : I'm serious.

Calvin : No, I'd say you're jealous.

Rusty : Of Dale?

Calvin : No, of Kirk. I mean, You're upset that Dale's replacing you. But you've replaced him with an entire fraternity.

Rusty : No, I'm not moving out for another two weeks, and I'm not replacing anybody. Living in the house will not affect my relationship with Dale.

Calvin : Once you become permanent at KT, everything's supposed to stay the same? Come on, Rusty. Circumstances change, relationships change, life changes. You know, if you want to stay friends with Dale, you gotta just suck it up and get used to Kurt.

Rusty : Kirk.

DOBLER'S

Casey : Remember, keep it casual and only between you, Evan and Dino.

Ashleigh : What are you going to do?

Casey : I'm just going to sit here in case you get in trouble.

Ashleigh : Sounds like a plan. Here they come. Good evening, gentlemen. Thank you both for joining us. Now, let's talk about Pref.

Dale : Yes. How about a little Trivial Pursuit, Bible Edition? "Eve in garden tempts man with apple and lady parts." What book?

Kirk : Maybe later.

Dale : Genesis. It was Genesis. Who are you writing to?

Kirk : My mom.

Dale : Cool. How about a little Bible Boggle? Remember at Youth Group, when you spelled Leviticus and Harvey Brubauer started crying? Bud?!!!!!

Kirk : Dale, your pajamas flew out the window.

Dale : Must be the lightweight cotton. You know, 'cause my winter flannels never have that problem. All right. I'll be right back.

Rusty : What's wrong with you?

Kirk : C'mon! Considering you're in a fraternity, I just figured you'd be cool with it.

Rusty : Why don't you have this conversation with your future roommate?

Kirk : Settle down, it's not like I'm Mr. Wake and Bake. At least not every single day. I just do it to relax. And It also comes in handy with stale popcorn.

Rusty : But you're Dale's purity pledge brother.

Kirk : But I'm on Rumspringa.

Rusty : Isn't that only for the Amish?

Kirk : Yes, technically. But I just think God wanted me to take a break.

Rusty : You got kicked out of Bob Jones University, didn't you?

Kirk : Let's just say we agreed to part company and the only way my parents would send me to school again was if I agreed to come here, room with Dale in the Dooby-Free Shop

Rusty : You don't plan on telling him?

Kirk : Dale?

KT HOUSE – Living room

Rusty : So why a 70s theme party? No one here was alive during the 70s. I wasn't even alive during the 80s.

Wade : Ah, youth.

Cappie : The 70s was when debauchery was invented, Spitter. And tonight I plan to carry on in that same sordid tradition by having myself a threesome.

Ben Bennett : Wait. Wasn't debauchery invented in ancient Rome?

Beaver : Actually, the modern concept of debauchery defines its origins as the pagan spring equinox of antiquity. Wikipedia.

Rusty : You're planning a threesome?

Cappie : You can't plan it. That's be sleazy. It's best to create to create a conducive world for the impromptum ménage à trois.

Rusty : It seems to me that anytime you have three people involved in anything someone's always left out though, right?

Cappie : There are worse things than being the odd man out in a threesome.

Casey : Yep, I'm definitely in a fraternity house.

Cappie : Hypothetically speaking.

Casey : Hey, Rus. You got a sec? I'm sorry, I don't know how to start. I usually talk to Ashleigh about this kind of stuff and I know you're going to judge me.

Rusty : I don't always judge.

Casey : I'm pissed at Ashleigh.

Rusty : Cause of the election? That's crazy. It's not like she ran against you. She's your best friend.

Casey : I know! I know you're right. I lost. She won. She's my best friend. But I've been working towards this since my sophomore year. All the things I wanted to do to make next year amazing. My last year. And now I can't. I'm jealous of my best friend and it sucks.

Rusty : It's better than being jealous of some random kid named Kirk.

Casey : Who's Kurt?

Rusty : Don't even get me started. He's An old friend of Dale's who's bad news. But if I tell Dale I know it's gonna hurt him.

Casey : Like it might hurt Ashleigh if I don't help her get through Pref.

Rusty : I mean, but it's for their own good, for us to get involved.

Casey : We should always do what's best for friends.

Rusty : Yes, even if it might appear to favor us in some way.

Casey : Good talk.

EXT. CRU

Calvin : So, how does it feel to rule the world of Zeta Beta?

Ashleigh : It sucks. I think I could be great, but this was always Casey's thing.

And now that it's my thing, and I can't help but realize I don't know what the hell I'm doing.

Calvin : You've gotta give yourself some time to learn.

Ashleigh : It's hard to learn, though, when the only person you ever go to for advice wishes she was doing what you're doing, or trying to do. She's obviously more qualified.

Calvin : You know, maybe it'd be best for both of you if you didn't rely on Casey so much. Just go with your gut.

Ashleigh : Well, that's why I'm here. I was hoping you'd do what you did last time. Talk to the guys, get them on our side about Pref before any other sorities got involved.

Calvin : Every sorority is involved. They've been courting us for the past week.

Ashleigh : I wish I could talk to Casey about this.

Calvin : Look, I know you're trying to be sensitive to Casey's feelings and all, but you're president. That means you can't stand safely behind in her shadow anymore. And that means you can't take a backseat on any issue, including Pref. You're gonna be the one held responsible for what happens, so you've gotta be the one who's driving the bus. All right?

CRU – Rusty & Dale’s room

Rusty : Where is he?

Dale : Who, Kirk? He went to the bathroom a while ago. He spends a lot more time in there han I remember. It may be a fiber issue.

Rusty : Last night after the movie, Kirk asked me to score him some herb.

Dale : Basil or tarragon?

Rusty : Weed.

Dale : Like dandelions?

Rusty : Marijuana. He's a serious pothead.

Dale : Come on. Good one, Rus. That's my BFF, man. I was there and watched him take an oath in front of Pastor Chuck and the entire Baptist youth group to stay away from illegal substances and corrupting influences for all eternity, longer if necessary.

Rusty : Look at the signs. He's always hungry.

Dale : High metabolism.

Rusty : Bloodshot eyes?

Dale : Allergies. I told you, that's why he transferred!

Rusty : He mistook my slippers for bunnies.

Dale : Rusty, they're bunny slippers. It's an easy mistake. All right, you know what, Kirk is my best friend. And he's my pledge bro, and he's my new roommate. And next year we're going to have fun, good wholesome fun, all year, in our room, together.

Rusty : Come on, I'm not...

Dale : No. I don't have time. Cause Kirk is probably trapped in the stall again, and I have to go help him. Because that's what friends do for each other.

ZBZ HOUSE – Living room

Laura : Jen F told me that the Gamma Mu's baked a gingerbread replica of the Omega Chi house. And the Pi Delta Epsilons set up a bikini car wash.

Betsy : Are they still out there? My car's pretty dirty.

ZBZ Girl : This is ridiculous. Frannie should just talk to Evan.

Casey : Hang on, guys. Everyone calm down. I have a better idea.

Ashleigh : Hey Casey, I've been thinking. And I've decided we should just talk to Frannie. I really...

Casey : Don't worry. I have it covered. Trust me. All right, girls, t's time to get it on!

OMEGA CHI HOUSE – Living room

Evan : Hey, everybody, we've got company.

Betsy : The sisters of ZBZ invite all of the Omega Chis to a night of pleasure and pain at Dobler's. The pleasure will be us. And the pain will be provided by that really big boxing pay-per-view on a really, really big screen.

Dino : Looks like you have another front-runner for Pref.

Evan : Great.

Dino : Y'know, there are some things I'm gonna miss about this.

OMEGA CHI HOUSE – Evan’s room

Frannie : Hey, what's going on out there?

Evan : Ashleigh, or more likely Casey, just gave us an offer we can't refuse.

Frannie : I'm not surprised, but I'm also sure you're gonna continue to hold off the brothers until I make my move.

Evan : Well, If I hold off the Pref invite much longer, the guys may actually decide to go with another house, and not ZBZ. The bikini car wash, that was a huge hit.

Frannie : Oh, please, the Gamma Psis are almost as slutty as the Tri Pis.

Evan : Yeah, but I mean, only you and Calvin see that as a downside Maybe we should Pref with someone else. I mean, Casey would never recover in the house from that.

Frannie : But neither would I.

Evan : OK, well, you know... I can make up an excuse to make us late tonight, but I can't keep them away forever.

Frannie : Trust me, Ashleigh will cave.

Evan : You sure you don't have any Chambers blood coursing through those veins?

Frannie : Very sure.

Evan : You know, I know almost nothing about your family.

Frannie : I'm not one to whine about my tragic past. With anyone. I'm gonna go. I'll call you later.

Heath : How about we're friends that go to Gentleman's Choice together?

Calvin : Ah, Good call.There's too many straight horny people around here.

Cappie : Great idea, huh? Nice costume.

Dale : I'm not wearing a costume.

Cappie : Dyn-o-mite!

Rusty : Hey, Cap’ ! Dale? What are you doing here?

Dale : Well, You know, Kirk kind of sensed that there was some tension between us, and, being the peacemaker that he is, he insisted we come find you and clear the air. You know, he once brokered peace between a Presbyterian and a Methodist.

Kirk : Hey, I wanna dance!

Dale : All right. See, he's so happy that we're talking again that he's dancing to evoke joy. And you know, it's like a fever. It's catching on I don't know. I'm feeling it, too Let's all just dance our anger away. You know? Right, Kirk? All right, is there anything else you want to say to me?

Rusty : Glad you came by.

Dale : Good, good. Good. Good, good. Well, you know, I'm probably gonna grab Kirk and head back to the dorm, then. We've got a big day tomorrow. We're taking a tour of Benson Hall. Their salad bar has garbanzo beans and pine nuts. He wants to sample both of them. You've seen his appetite. I don't have to tell you.

Frannie : I'm not sure. He did say some of the guys thought the invite was kind of desperate. But whatever. It's not your fault. You listened to Casey. Are you sure you don't want me to at least call him? Text Evan?

Casey : Everything's handled, Frannie.

Ashleigh : Maybe we need to ask her...

Casey : Don't worry, the Omega Chis will show. Evan doesn't have that much power. See!

Dale : You know, Kirk, I think we just gotta look on the bright side here. 'Cause now you can get clean and sober before school starts. We won't miss a day being roommates. We'll never watch the E! Channel again. 'Cause it is full of temptation. You know, with all the aging trollops and, anyway, and then me and the other PP brothers can come down to rehab over the summer, next year we can all sing the praises of restraint and abstinence together.

Rusty : Hey !

Kirk : Dale! Dale! Stop! Stop! Don't you get it? I've changed. I don't want to be Mr. Goody-two-shoes anymore. I don't want to be your roommate and I don't want to be your friend.

Dale : I can manage my own friendships.

Rusty : I'm not trying to tell you how to manage your friendships. I just want to tell this guy that he's a douche and he's an idiot and you have no idea who you're turning your back on. You don't!

Casey : And it's not because she's with Brad Pitt. Even though it doesn't hurt.

Ashleigh : The fact is, we can be like Angelina. We can be unique and cool and crazy and weird and generous and totally gorgeous too.

Frannie : Ashleigh, now's not exactly the time for an us Weeklyrecap.

Ashleigh : I want to know... why we're letting a bunch of guys define us? We'll choose what's awesome and who's cool and we'll choose who's number one. We can have it all, because we can be Angelina Jolie, too!

EXT. ZBZ HOUSE

Omega Chi Guys : (Singing)

Brothers in our garden true

Forever in unity

Omega Chi, here we are

Betsy : Hello, guys, hi. I'm Betsy, for those of you who don't know me. I'm the new social chair.

Omega Chi Guys : Hi, Betsy.

Betsy : So, we really appreciate your invitation to Pref next year. But we've voted and we're going to turn you down. Oh, and it's because of Angelina Jolie.

Omega Chi Guy : Angelina Jolie is a ZBZ?

CRU – Calhoun Hall

Rusty : Dale, wait. Why won't you talk to me?

Dale : I'm getting used to the sound of my own company.

Rusty : Come on. Seriously.

Dale : No, 'cause you were right about Kirk. I didn't want to see it.

Rusty : You were right, too. I didn't want to think anything would be different when we're not roommates anymore. But it will be.