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WTGW 7/1/15: Sassy’s Bar & Grille, Twinsburg

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I dare you to think of a place with the name “Sassy’s” and not immediately have your mind conjure up some insanely neon 80’s themed Miami Vice decor. I mean, really, who uses the word sassy anymore? Well, other than us, as we’re teasing Shane about his “feeling all sassy” when he made this pick.

Because we’re 12. I know.

In all honesty, there is a bit of neon inside Sassy’s. Just visiting the website gives you a little taste of that. But it’s not as bad as the Crocker & Tubbs -esque hangout I was sarcastically envisioning. They actually have these cool lights on the floor near the bar that change florescent colors – which, as you can probably already guess, entertained us for far longer than I’m willing to admit here. But the topper on the neon-themed tree was a literal tree outside on the patio, which we noticed as we left was lit with purple Christmas lights.

(Side note: I was about to ask where you would even find those, but then I remembered we have this amazing thing called the internet. Thank you, Google and eBay, for bringing miraculous things such as this right to our fingertips.)

So there’s that.

Amanda and I continued our quest to make sure Summer Shandy is available at every bar in the greater Cleveland/Akron area. Meanwhile Shane returned to his rum and diets, and Ted – after discovering they didn’t have one of the dark beers on tap that he likes – ordered something called a Sierra Nooner. He actually tried a sample, deemed it OK and ordered a tall … then instantly regretted it since it was not really as drinkable as he thought it would be. Interesting.

We ordered the loaded tater tots as an appetizer. And made Ted try them, despite the fact that there’s melted nacho cheese on them. Because we’re the kind of awesome friends you want in your life for sure. He actually dipped his finger in the cheese and declared it “not horrible” – but he also wasn’t tempted to really indulge in the appetizer either, so I guess “not horrible” doesn’t exactly translate to “yes, I’ll have some.” The tots were crispy – probably deep fried, because, you know, that’s how all good bar food is created – but the toppings were kind of lacking. Other than the sour cream, which they gave us enough of to feed everyone in the bar. Awesome.

Once again we eat before we photograph. Dammit.

Our waitress recommended the wings or the burgers. Because if you know us, you know that definitely helped narrow our choices from “things we’re thinking about getting” to “things we’re STILL thinking about getting.” Thanks for that.

Actually, as we perused the menu, we all took notice that they had funnel cake fries at Sassy’s, and vowed to save room for those. Then Shane orders a the Biker Burger and 10 garlic parm wings, so clearly he’s heeding the whole “save room” thing. Right.

I tried a few of his wings and we both agreed they had little to no flavor. It was almost like they forgot to put the sauce on them. His burger, ordered medium rare as he always does, came out pretty much the exact opposite. Because that’s awesome. But even so, he said it was still in his top five burgers, and that if it had been done correctly it would have been perfect.

Does this look like Top Five material?

(Keep in mind that Shane’s “Top Five” list changes with pretty much every new place we go to, so I’m not sure I’d take that as a glowing recommendation. Just saying.)

Wings, minus the flavor

Amanda, meanwhile, ordered the same burger done medium – and it was pinker than Shane’s. I’d give them the benefit of the doubt that they just gave her the wrong burger, except that she ordered different fries and that maybe should’ve tipped them off. Just a thought. She ordered the side of garlic parm waffle fries – which I ordered, too – and at first glance/taste were delicious. In fact, Shane was immediately disappointed he didn’t order those instead of “boring fries.” But then about three fries in, you start to realize that pretty much all you can taste is butter. Like they took a page right out of the Paula Dean cookbook. I had visions of them just soaking whole potatoes in a bathtub of melted butter somewhere in the back room.

Shane: you do realize each of those is like 1,500 calories, right?

So naturally both Amanda and I gave our leftover fries to him. I think we were expecting more like a dry butter rub on them with parm flakes (what other place did we have those at? Hooley House maybe??) – but these were just drenched, like the top pieces of shriveled popcorn when they pump the butter sauce on the tub at the movie theater. Maybe the sauce they put on our fries was really supposed to go on Shane’s wings? Just a thought.

Fries shouldn’t glisten like that. Just saying.

I got the caprese burger. It was also overdone for medium, so much so that the edges tasted burnt and I pretty much just picked my way around to eat the middle portion. It was on a ciabatta bun, which we all know is my favorite carb of all time and so of course was delicious. Shane and Amanda also liked the buns their burgers were on, even though they weren’t ciabatta.

I’ll take the 5,000 calorie fries please

So, to recap: buns, good … fries, not to much. Moving on.

And then there’s Ted, who ordered a hangover burger and 10 spicy garlic wings. And had to watch as our food comes out, and his doesn’t. I guess the kitchen got backed up, and his order got set behind. Which seems weird, since we’re all at the same table – but I guess that whole separate check thing threw them maybe? Or maybe they ran out of butter after they made our fries and got busy melting 15 more sticks so they forgot about poor Ted?

It’s a mystery to this day.

So then his food finally comes … and lo and behold, there’s cheese on the burger. Which he obviously would’ve asked to have taken off. So, just to sum up Ted’s day: he was late waking up this morning, encountered/mediated arguments all day at work, ended up with a beer he thought he would like but didn’t, wasn’t able to eat the appetizer we ordered because it was coated in cheese, had to wait extra long for his meal while staring at ours, and then had to work to remove parts of it just to make it edible.

**sigh** Clearly the universe was out to get him today.

But he did say that the wings were the only good thing about his entire day. So you can file that recommendation right next to Shane’s “Top Five” pick, I guess.

Before he dissected it

Wings, with flavor

After letting our meals settle through another round of drinks and conversation, we did in fact order the funnel cake fries before we left. And they were very good- I mean, really, if you screw those up there’s pretty much no hope for you – although they did lack any sort of dip, so The Basement still holds the title for best funnel cake fries within the WTGW crowd. I’m still dreaming of that caramel sauce. But at least they didn’t offer us buttery anything with the funnel cake fries, so I consider that a small victory.

Whoever invented these is a genius.

Shane

Steph

Amanda

Ted

CAPSULE

Picked by: Shane

Drinks: A lot of domestics and things like PBR and Miller on draft. Although when Ted asked about dark beer in bottles the waitress almost seemed offended that he implied they didn’t have anything.
Food: It all sounded good on paper … then came out all wrong or not like we thought it would. So there’s that.Service: Good. The waitress was also the bartender, and we all know how that can turn quickly – but this time we rarely had to wait on drinks or flag her down to get her attention. Now if only she’d gotten the order right …Overall: It was like a roller coaster of emotions – nervous about the place before we got there, relief once we got inside and started looking at the menu, disappointment when nothing we ordered was as we imagined. I think overall we’d give it another shot, but we weren’t initially over impressed.