Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Gasp, I have been shunned from the Juicy Club

The majority of days, I can totally relate to Emma Stone in
the movie “Easy A”, and not because of all of the fake whoring around, I did
all my real whoring around in College.
(Sorry, Mommy, if you are reading just ignore the last part it was
dramatic prose)

There are just days that I feel like the Hester Prynne of my
daughter’s elementary school. (For those
of you unfamiliar with Nathanial Hawthorne’s novel “The Scarlet Letter”, I will boil it down to the following nugget, “Woman
acts like a man, refuses to name baby daddy, get shunned and branded with the
letter A, is really the heroine (duh)”.
If for any reason you think that you should watch the movie with Demi
Moore, I would check yourself before you wreck yourself. Watch Easy A – it just feels more like
Hester)

So back to the As the Elementary World Turns, I apparently
do not fit in with the “cool” kids. I
don’t wear the appropriate Stepford Wives uniform, nor do I frequent the gym
and hook up with my professional trainer (hence the pitying looks for my fat
ass), nor do I go every day to my daughter’s classroom to help out, I (occasionally)
miss my daughter’s school parties (where other parents feel the need to adopt
my child since no one should be left behind), and OMG GASP GASP CHOKE CHOKE, I
commit the GREATEST sin of ALL MANKIND……(are you ready)….I…..I…..I….I….work
(FOR SHAME).

OH THE HUMANITY, CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT….HOLISHIT BALLS BATMAN….WHAT
A HORRIBLE MOTHER….. Yes, my friends, I
work. I have a full time job. Now before any of my friends who are stay at
home Mom’s that are reading my blog get their panties all wadded up in their
bachina. I am not talking about you
guys, nor am I in any way dissing those Moms’s that stay home. I am dissing those Moms who have taken
staying at home to a whole new High School Musical level.

I wish I could stay
at home with my girls (sometimes), but I also need the second income and I
enjoying working outside of my home. I
always (and I do mean always) give props to my friends that stay home with
their kids. They have a much more
difficult job than me, there are no breaks, no salary increases or bonus, their
husbands are sometimes away a little more often (Holla to R & H) and for the
most part, their jobs are thankless from others but wonderful for their kids.

My youngest daughter once told me when I was working on a
deadline that she hoped that I got fired because that would mean that I could
be with her at home always. Now, that
shit tears up my heart. But the crazy
crap that really makes me feel like I should be branded with the letter A for “Abnormal”
and forced to wear scarlet instead of the Stepford Wives uniform of Juicy
Couture, is when one of those Juicy Club Moms gives me “the tone”.

And here is a selection of actual shit that gets said to me…

“Oh, you are (insert Ankle Biters name) Mom, oh, I didn’t
know who you were because I only see your nanny.” (Bitch please, you saw me last week dropping
the kids off)

“Oh, I can tell that you work, I have never see you at the
school”

“Oh, you work huh, boy, it shows, (long suffering juicy sigh)
I just could never be away from my child for that long, I just want to be here
to fulfill every one of their needs and make every day the best possible day
that they could ever have, it must be hard not to do that, huh.” (Bitch, I want to cunt punch you so bad right
now…..I could actually brand you with a scarlet letter…..”T” for Twatwaffle.

“Oh, we were going out to coffee after the gym, Jana, do you
want to go? Oh, no, that right, you
work.” (SMACK YOU NOW)

Then, then I have to listen to the drivel that comes out of
their mouths…….they must think that I have an eye tick because I am constantly
rolling my eyes.

The best part is when I am actually trying to have a
conversation with them and they then see someone else who is much higher in the
Juicy Twatwaffle Social ladder and they leave you, mid conversation, to SQUEEE…….OMG…..BESTIE……You
look so great today…..OMG……Jonny (come on…you know you’ve seen the new spelling
of kids names) was like totally acting
up today and I was like….BOY….I’m gonna smack you…..and my hubby….OMG…..he
doesn’t do anything. Gym later…SQUEE…then
we will like totally have to go to the wine bar on Friday…cause….SQUEEE….I so
need a break.

I guess that the long and short of this, is that while I
miss my girls with a desperation that aches in my heart and at times makes me
feel like I am the worst mother in the world, I like who I am. I may not be the perfect Mom, I may not wear
the perfect shade of juicy pink or have a pair of UGGS for each day of the
week, or have the perfect size 6 body, or have all of the perfect friends on
our perfect play date, or perfectly make dinner by 5 p.m. every day……instead…..I
will brand myself as “A”…….for rocking the Absurdly Abnormal.

And to my small, yet scrappy, set of girls that join me in
the abnormal world, I salute you. Cause
if I was around those Juicy Twatwaffles everyday........weaves would be
a-flyin. And if I don't tell you girls everyday, I love you, we might we a small group, but at least we have got each other.