Anne Palumbo: Finally! Someone understands me

Tuesday

Aug 28, 2007 at 12:01 AMAug 28, 2007 at 11:30 PM

For so long, I have felt misunderstood by my faux Internet friends. You see, they have filled my e-mail inbox with messages that don’t even relate to me. I kid you not. They have asked me to “enlarge” things that are not even part of my anatomy.

Anne Palumbo

For so long, I have felt misunderstood by my faux Internet friends.

You see, they have filled my e-mail inbox with messages that don’t even relate to me.

I kid you not.They have asked me to “enlarge” things that are not even part of my anatomy.

They have asked me to buy property that I could give two shakes about. (A star in outer space? Please.)

They have even asked me about highly sensitive issues that no one among my closest friends even dares to ask. I’m talking about the products I use to, well, keep the gray at bay.

OK? It hasn’t been easy.

But finally, my very good Internet friends have hit a home run.

I have never felt so embraced by people I don’t even know!

In a word, they want to know if I have ever wanted to be…a cop.

Every day now, I get messages from “Alex,” “Carly,” and “Cindy” wanting to know if I have any interest in joining the illustrious academy of law enforcers.

Call me arrogant, but I get the feeling they “sense” something about my capabilities, and that is why they have singled me out. None of my real-life friends are getting these messages.

Naturally, I clicked on the Web site link to see what qualities they’re looking for, and, darn it all, if I don’t possess every one of them – and then some.

I will confess that I didn’t always possess these traits. Oh, no.In fact, I may have possessed the very traits cops seek to “straighten out.” Nothing serious, mind you, just a few speeding tickets, failures to stop, outdated registrations, lapsed licenses…and, oh yes, there was that street sign that mysteriously found its way into my possession.

But that was then. Now, I am a law-abiding citizen who has what it takes to whip society into shape.

What prompted the emergence of this desirous skill set? Teenagers.

It’s true. As soon as my kids’ bodies started manufacturing hormones that turned them into dark-eyed creatures that could rotate their heads 360 degrees, I developed a whole new set of amazing skills that, as it turns out, complements the police profession better than a degree from the Jesse James College of Criminology.

For example, I learned that cops need to possess a “demeanor that will allow them to do their job in spite of insults, physical abuse, and general disrespect shown by the people they are sworn to protect.”

Check! (All it took was one trip to the mall to develop that skill.)

I also learned that cops need to be able to “detach themselves emotionally from some of the more emotional cases.”

Check! (Weathering a teen with a pre-prom pimple helped me learn to detach.)

Lastly, I discovered that cops need to “develop a sixth sense for picking up bad vibes.”

Check! (Waking to an eerily quiet house at 2 a.m. – the night of my teen’s first sleepover – brought my sixth sense roaring to the forefront.)

Anyway, ever since my good friends got in touch with me, I’ve been seriously thinking about becoming a cop. There is one hitch though. Apparently, cops must be willing to work in all kinds of weather; and, I’m sorry, but that’s where I draw the line.

With all the pains I take to get my hair to behave and show a little respect, I don’t “do” rain.