A little trail of breadcrumbs left behind as I make my way through the path of eating disorder treatment and recovery. So I can find my way back to appreciate the journey.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

What's the best way to make someone feel crazy?

Putting them in a small stark room and asking them to fill out several questionares on being crazy. On scan-tron nonetheless.

Whew.

Both my brain and my hand are numb.

One of my big "issues" is getting nervous about unimportant things. So, you can imagine the anxiety I felt filling this out. Is it the right or wrong answer? If I say that sometimes I have visions of things happening do they automatically assume I'm also wearing a tin foil hat around my house and randomly ranting at strangers passing by on the street? If I answer everything 100% accurately, will they think I'm not crazy enough to help me? Or so crazy that I need a padded room? Some questions are gimmes. Some are in betweens. And is it all one big experiment to see how I deal with being tested?

ACK!

The tests took an hour and 15 minutes or so to complete. I think there were four different sets of them. One had four questions and one had 240. A little overwhelming for someone who always wants to have the "right" answer. I suspect that will come up when I meet with my therapist again tomorrow.

It's weird because right now I feel really "good". Positive, balanced, pleasant. But that means I also went until 2pm with only having 30 ounces of coffee and some peanut butter crackers. So, I wonder if the fact that I'm 235 pounds means I'm having more bad days than good ones. Bad days are the binging days. The ones where it's grey and bleak. Or maybe it's just that those days have more of an impact.