Friday, 30 June 2006

Butterflies & Hurricanes

Did I tell you that Harry kissed me? At 5 in the morning. It was nice, and we both laughed for ages afterwards because we have known eachother for 5 years and it took us all that time just to kiss.

I had to work the next day, and even though I had only had about 2 hours of sleep, I made it through the day with a smile on my face. I just kept thinking about it, "Harry kissed me." And work was the best.

Soon after though, I began to push him away, I was feeling rather stressed you see, and everything was happening all at once, and I became very emotional. So I wouldn't see him, and wasn't very nice to him. And even now that I have seen him I'm still distant.

I got scared I think. I didn't want our relationship to change, plus I heard him calling me 'The Missus' on the phone to Matt, and I cringed at that term. It was just a joke, but it made me feel trapped and like I belonged to someone, and that just made me angry. I don't belong to anyone!

The clouds are very stormy tonight, today too, they were the darkest I've seen them in ages. But no rain has fallen and no lightning has struck the sky. It's just dark and looming.

Something Wicked This Way Comes.

I'm listening to Muse at the moment, I really love his voice. And at the moment I am in love with English Muffins, jam and milk, it's so nice.

I have also made a major decision. England isn't that important to me anymore, oh yes, I'm still going over there, and I don't know for how long and I do plan to crack the acting scene and get some kind of work...but America has it all, it really does. In the US you really can make acting your job, because you get so much work every week. Here in Oz it's like once every six months, and in the UK, I'm sure it's more but not as much as the US.

So though I still plan to go and live in the UK for a while, the US is my ultimate destination, unless something amazing happens here in Oz or the UK. Like getting an actual paid gig. That'd be wicked. Though money doesn't matter much to me when it comes to work. It gives you more credibility though if you are known as being actor whose work gets her paid.

I'm saving really well though, I'm really proud of myself. It's because I'm not going out very much or anything.

Dust and dirt between the keys.

I feel so lazy. I woke up at around 12 and have sat around on my arse all day, and I haven't seen anyone, it's really annoying. Because I hate going through the day without seeing at least one person. I don't know what is happening with Sarah, I know Emma is her best friend, but we used to hang out all the time...and now we don't. I wish I had a best friend. Like, one that is around all the time. Emily is off yonder and I hardly see her now that she got snarky about picking me up, and Sarah has Emma. And I, I guess I mainly had Harry. But now that we have kissed I'm not so desperate to see him anymore... I know why, and I know it's bitchy. It's the whole chase thing that I'm addicted too.

I think I'm just waiting for that spark thing. I haven't experienced that properly since Scott and Ashton. I didn't get that spark from Harry, like I hoped I would...I wonder if he did. I don't think so.

Anyway, I think if I don't see anyone tonight, I'm going to take care of myself, I'm going to write out my plans and set real goals, search facts on the net, research jobs I could do in the UK or the US, and start getting my UK passport application together, and I also might do some exercises and clear out all my old clothes, because I saw people in the city yesterday and everyone looked really well dressed, and I want to look my best as well. So I'm going to look at the fashions on the web and see what clothes I like and put them on my To Get List.

Shall be grand I'm sure, shall be grand.

Oh and I'm slightly annoyed at GIR, it keeps clashing with work, and work is getting harder and harder to shift.

It's rather frustrating.

Change the world and use this chance to be heard!

"Butterflies And Hurricanes"

"change,everything you areand everything you wereyour number has been calledfights, battles have begunrevenge will surely comeyour hard times are ahead

best,you've got to be the bestyou've got to change the worldand you use this chance to be heardyour time is now

change,everything you areand everything you wereyour number has been calledfights and battles have begunrevenge will surely comeyour hard times are ahead

best,you've got to be the bestyou've got to change the worldand you use this chance to be heardyour time is now