Walking Dead Rankings Season 5 Episode 9

Welcome back to our Walking Dead rankings! Time didn’t permit us to make this as lengthy of a post as we typically shoot for, but enjoy nonetheless! Remember, we are awarded points based on who dies and how highly we have that character ranked. For instance, if Tyreese dies then Kevin will have eight points and I will have nine.

Kevin’s Rankings

Judith- Remember how Bonnie from Family Guy was pregnant for the first 8 or so seasons of the show? And they made it a joke and she finally had the baby. That might as well have happened in The Walking Dead because Judith is useless right now.

Rick- Part 1 of Season 5 was light on the Rickinator. I expect that to change for part 2. His descent into madness seems nearly complete. If he is going to bite it soon it won’t be until the end of the season.

Daryl- You know Daryl rhymes with Carol. Daryl and Carol sittin’ in a tree. Not kissing but beheading zombies. Hey to each their own I suppose.

Carl- Now that Beth is out of the picture I bet Carl is really frustrated. Imagine going through puberty without any good looking girls around. And even if they run into another pretty girl his dad will totally embarrass him and not let the girl join their group. Dads am I right?

Maggie- Sorry about your sister. But to be fair you never seemed too concerned when she disappeared. Just saying…

Glenn- I am reading the Walking Dead comics right now. This isn’t a major spoiler whatsoever so cool your jets. In the comic Glenn and Maggie shave their head. Just randomly, out of boredom. Perhaps that’s what the TV version needs to do to put some life into this once loved character.

Michonne- I’m going to start calling Michonne Fruit Ninja. Because that is how she treats this crazy situation. Just another game of Fruit Ninja.

Tyreese- Good thing this show is finally back. I am nearly out of material for these rankings. Not that it matters for Tyreese. I fully expect to gain no new material for this guy.

Carol- Carol is the only well written female character this show has had. There is no way they continue that streak. I expect a shocking Carol death coming up.

Abraham- Angry Abe is back and is….slightly less angry. Don’t worry, I’m sure the nerd will say something that’ll piss him off again soon. Can’t you imagine a Walking Dead spinoff sitcom that follows Abe and Eugene around. Only both are more ridiculous than they already are. Abe being a grumpy old man a la Dr. Cox in Scrubs while Eugene would be more J.D. from Scrubs except a little smarter. Scratch that, I want a Scrubs and Walking Dead mesh up spinoff show where Dr Cox and J.D. are stuck in The Walking Dead’s universe searching for Turk. Oh please let that happen.

Sasha- Bob’s dead, her brother is a bore. I am kind of expecting a quick killing off of Sasha. Maybe just to make Tyreese more interesting.

Lara Croft- If you are going to make a hyper-sexualized, video game-esque character in this universe, you could have at least made Lara Croft a lesbian and hooked her up with Tara. That would have completed the Lara Croft fantasy for the male demographic out there. And given Tara something to do.

Father Gabriel- I finally learned this guy’s name! I fully expect him to die now that I know it.

Tara- I know what you are thinking. ‘There isn’t a Tara on this show!’ I promise you there is.

Eugene- Now that the lie is dead, what is Eugene’s purpose? He will only further annoy the group. I foresee a bloody ending for our nerd friend.

Jesse’s Rankings (in one sentence!)

Judith – Babies are immune to walkers.

Daryl – If he dies, we riot.

Rick – If he lives, we riot.

Carl – Still waiting for him to meet Kyle Reese.

Maggie – I’m surprised the hot chick was the only member of that family not to be killed off, said no one ever.

Glenn – If I learned one thing from playing Infamous, it’s that being the boyfriend of a chick whose sister just died totally sucks.

Michonne – Didn’t like her when she never spoke and I don’t like her now that she never shuts up, so how about we find a happy medium here, Michonne?

Abraham – Hate to break it to you Sheamus, but no one will ever feel sorry for you again now that we know that you’re bangin’ Lara Croft, no matter how many of your dreams are crushed.

Tyreese – I’ve liked Tyreese in about 3 percent of the episodes that he’s been in, which sadly is still a higher figure than the number of dates I’ve been on since he started showing up.

Carol – See Walking Dead, your best characters can be female too.

Sasha – Don’t worry Sasha, we all miss Bob, too.

Father Gabriel – Characters from The Wire have fared very poorly on this show thus far, so God speed father.

Lara Croft – Wishes she was as cool as Angelina Jolie.

Eugene – Yeah, I may or may not have binge-watched about 10 Scrubs episodes after reading Kevin’s spin-off idea.

Tara – Sheesh, what a pointless character. Off with her head already! Crap, that was more than one sentenc