Monday, October 27, 2008

Facebook Event: The Jortout

For those who aren't in the Facebook community, the invitation reads as follows...

In the Year of Our Lord 1990, Stephen Orr Spurrier became Head Ball Coach of the Florida Gators, ushering in a period of brutal beatdowns over the “University” of Georgia, the likes of which had not been seen since the marriage of Ike & Tina Turner.

After 4 or 5 years of such beatings, the battered Bulldogs of Georgia had little bite left to their bark. In hopes of filling the void left by their lack of trash-talking ammunition, Georgia fans created perhaps the most dastardly, yet cruel taunt that has ever graced the grand tradition of college football: “Gators Wear Jean Shorts.”

However, despite such hateful rhetoric, the Gators continued to win in Jacksonville (no doubt due to the overwhelming denim presence), winning 15 of 18 meetings. Even through player graduations, coaching changes, and the Ron Zook Error (uh … I mean, “Era”), the Curse of the Jorts continued to haunt Georgia.

Last year, though, everything changed. Gator fans, embarrassed by their fashion faux pas, largely abandoned the denim delights that underpinned our good fortune. And the results were humiliating (WARNING: Graphic, and not intended for minors):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HnsC5ZxnD_8

Due to the sequence of these events, I am calling for a Gator Nation-wide jort-out of Georgia. We must bring back the magic, and jean shorts are the obvious key to our success. We need to fill Jacksonville Municipal Stadium with a united, concerted, and jorted effort to help will our Mighty Gators to victory.

And just think about it … imagine how intimidated Matthew Stafford will be when he drops back to pass and sees half the stadium clothed in cut-off denim. It will be scarier than any Halloween costume you might wear on the night before the game, and it will strike such fear in young Mr. Stafford that he will probably revert to his spooning ways (http://cache.deadspin.com/assets/resources/2007/05/StaffordAndCox.jpg) “just for the comfort.”

And think of the fear that will engulf Knowshon Moreno when he bounces outside towards the Gator sideline and sees a wall of drunk, jorted lunatics urging the Gators to lay his ass out. At halftime, he’ll probably change into denim football pants just to feed off of some of our jort-inspired energy.

The Gator players, on the other hand? They’ll be stoked by the sight of such jorted camaraderie. Word on the street is that Brandon Spikes supports the jorts. Not only that, but Chris “I’m a white girl kind of man” Rainey rocks jorts to the clubs, even if his black-denim preference seems to conflict with his love for white girls. And I know this is hard to believe, but Percy Harvin told me that he runs faster in jean shorts than he does in pads. Heck, even Tim Tebow – whose face emblazons the pajamas of both Superman and Chuck Norris – wears jorts to bed each night.

Look, I know jean shorts look ridiculous. In fact, I really hate only 3 things in this world: jorts, organized fan attire for sporting events, and the “University” of Georgia. But I am willing to look past the first two in order to spite the latter. It is imperative that we all do so, as this is one of the key components in the ass-whoopin’ that Georgia has coming their way. You have the rare opportunity to truly be a part of a history-making spectacle.

So on November 1st at Jacksonville Municipal Stadium, I urge each of you to sport jorts. Don’t do it for me. Do it for the team. Oh, and invite your friends. Spread the word that we need to support the jorts!

P.S. – Note to girls: there is no reasonable excuse for you to not wear jorts for this one game. It’s much more acceptable for you to wear jean shorts than for a guy to do the same. Don’t get me wrong – I love how you look in a sundress, baby, but you also look hot when you rock the Daisy Dukes. Even a jean skirt will do. Go ahead, try it on in front of the mirror. You know you look good. Wear it on Saturday … just this once.

1 comment:

That is awesome...Looks like I know what I'll be wearing to the game. (I retired my jorts years ago, but it looks like I get to don them one more time) Seriously, is that Craig Smith? 3rd row, 2nd from the right...