Monday, December 27, 2010

Letter to Dr. Gordon

Dear Dr. Gordon,

I’ve been looking forward to finally sitting down and sending you an e-mail! I hope you’ve been enjoying the holiday break. Let me just preface this message (which I’m just realizing might be rather long because I feel like I have a lot to say) by assuring you that you don’t need to respond if you don’t have time! I’m glad you suggested checking in before we see each other next week… sometimes just writing everything out and sending it to someone can be helpful even if there is no reply.

This week has been sort of all over the place, and I guess by “this week” what I really mean is my mood, behaviors, thoughts, and feelings have been all over the place. On the days leading up to Christmas I had to work a lot, and most of the time by myself. It’s funny because usually I prefer working alone. It means I can sit and read and not have to work so hard at looking busy. But I must have just gotten super bored/super hungry because I actually binged twice at work. Twice. Two separate days. I BINGED ON CREAM FROM THE STORE. It was horrible. A part of me was shocked that I would do something so irresponsible and impulsive during work hours, but another part of me wasn’t all that surprised. I mean, I’ve been working at Angora for almost three months now. You’d think I would have found the chance to pig out at work a long time ago.

On Christmas Eve my family went to decorate gingerbread houses at our family friend’s house but I refused to go and that got everyone a little frustrated with me. It’s just that last year was so much skinnier and I don’t think I could handle being seen this overweight. Luckily ‘tis the season for forgiveness and all that lovely stuff, so they got over it and the holiday was still a success.

I never thought I’d hear myself say it, but I’m sort of relieved that Christmas is over. The holiday makes it so much harder to eat right, think clearly, stay mindfull… etc.

The fact that I’ve been SO inconsistent with my meds probably hasn’t helped matters. It’s not just the increase in binges that occur when I go off the Prozac. It’s been disrupting my sleep patterns, my mood, my concentration, EVERYTHING. Sticking to the meds will definitely be one of my New Years Resolutions, or as my mother so warmly puts it, “A non-negotiable if you want to go back to school in the fall.”

A part of me feels like giving up entirely because every time my life seems to develop some semblance of stability and progress I ultimately (inevitably) crash and burn. Maybe I should move to Alaska. Except for Sarah Palin everybody in Alaska seems very well-adjusted…

Well, I’ll end this e-mail now. I just got a text message from my friend Amy asking if I’d like to watch a movie with her and Sarah. To be honest I don’t really feel like going out but I suppose I’ll make good use of the Opposite to Emotion skill and just do it for the sake of doing it.