From the mind of Mary Purdy: A collection of true personal essays, creative outbursts, humorous monologues and other sundry offerings that necessitated translating ideas and whims from the brain onto the keyboard.

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8/19/14

Extreme Peanut Butter - Like Nothing You've Ever Had Before.

Introducing…Extreme Peanut Butter.Yes, folks, this is not your average peanut
butter, this is EXTREME peanut butter.It not only sticks to the roof of your mouth but it actually attaches
your tongue to your cleft and keeps it there for at least 17 minutes.That’s right, this peanut butter is so peanut
buttery that it will cause a piece of you to stick to another piece of
you.This will slow down your eating
process and allow you to keep the taste of peanut butter on your palate for a
longer than usual peanut butter experience! That is extreme.

Our peanut butter is so smooth and creamy that it will actually MELT the knife with which
you are spreading it. Make no mistake,
the more you spread, the quicker your knife will dissolve. If you like the chunky version, we have that
too. But be prepared. The chunks are
more than just simple chunks. They are
actually petrified pieces of peanuts that have been around for over 160 years
and they will satisfy that need for crunch and chunk that you long for on
certain days. That is extreme.

And the way our peanut butter meshes with jam? Well,
you may not even want to stick around. This peanut butter essentially is the
one and true soul mate of all jams, jellies and marmalades. It will start to make love to any jam that you
may put on a slice of bread, be it baguette or 12 grain. You did not just mis-read that last sentence.
The jam and the peanut butter will begin copulating on your Orowheat right in
front of you without any inhibitions. It
might make you uncomfortable at first but it is an amazing site to see. That
is extreme!

Lastly, our peanut butter can read. It’s true, folks! Our peanut butter is able to read books and
magazines. This was not planned, but just
simply came about during our manufacturing process. One day in the processing plant, we found our
peanut butter reading its label aloud and we knew we had something
special. Bring your peanut butter on
short or long road trips with your children and have it read them stories in
the back of the car so you and your partner can have a conversation. When they tire of hearing it read to them,
you can invite them to eat it, which will also keep them silent for at least
another 17 minutes (see above). That is not only extreme, it is miraculous.