My girl from Philippines – Day 443

I met with Beatrice on a Norwegian dating service online. I feel horrible about this now, how I used time and money on this online dating site. But I was acting out of pre-programme and I was acting out of being horny and acting according to what I though was normal.

At this point of my life I was not looking into what I was actually doing. I was thinking with my penis. I thought that I want to meet with a girl and I want to have sex with her. That was it. I was not thinking consequences and I so I entered this dating service. With name and email address. I found Beatrice after a while. I had then written stuff about myself. I like to go for walks and I like to practice reading a good book and I like to work out and go on long vocations, shit like that, to make it sound like I was living in a heaven. Almost all lies, just to make girls like me and to make girls fall for my writing to bite the hook with this bate I had of lies on it for them. As I said I was thinking with my dick.

Beatrice bought my pack of lies. From the dating site. We started writing. We wrote on Skype and on email. We would send each other pictures and tell each other how much we would like to meet. So in the end I was so triggered by pictures and by my intentions of sex and my ideas a so that I booked a plane ride to Cebu Philippines. I came to Cebu in Easter 2013. I came to a country in poverty and in corruption, and in tropical heat. Poverty everywhere. I was cared for by her family and I was treated nicely. I stayed there for 3 weeks if I remember correctly. We shared some laughs and some dreams about the future and we did fun stuff together, like swimming and walking in nature. It was fun. But deep within me I knew that this was not going to function.

The foundation of a dating service as a construct to build our relationship on was wrong. It did not taste ok. So deep within me I knew that it would fail. I came home to Norway and I continued to write with Beatrice. But It was getting clearer to me that this relationship was wrong.

As I was living there In Cebu, Philippines I knew as the days moved on, within me that “shit this is not going to work out she is much too young for me and ” our cultural differences are to big” ” fuck this” etc.

I left the girl and Cebu in haste and made it in time to reach the airplane ride home. I told Beatrice that we cannot date no more. The system don’t want us to be together, our relationship will not succeed. I came safe home to Norway and as the days passed I started to think again with my penis. I thought I wanted to meet with Beatrice again, and I thought that I would like to be her boyfriend still. I started to have contact with here again, but very soon during the conversation I started to doubt that we could have a relationship. I realize that I during these writing on Skype sessions I was thinking both with my penis again so I though, should I go back to Philippines ? Is it still worth it to try to create a relationship with Beatrice?

Should I move to Philippines?

So I noticed after having talked to my desteni I process buddy that, hey I have had this thought before, I have been thinking like this before like to think with oneness penis. I am going in circles and not getting anywhere. Enough already, I had already though about this. I had enough with thinking that I could even become Beatrice boy friend again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into desires and ideas from within my mind where I tell myself that I need a girl friend, and I continue on how she would look and what her hair is like and all sorts of idea and desires on how I would imagine I would need her for intimacy and sex and making food and doing stuff together.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I would like to be Beatrice’s boyfriend because then I could visit Philippines often, and enjoy the heat and I thought that I could perhaps have a vocational resort there.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself from entering that dating site where we met and for doing so because of being horny and for thinking that this is like porn or prostitution, how I am going into a relationship with Beatrice and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself on relating porn and prostitution to the meeting with Beatrice and to realize that with energies it felt just the same as prostitution and porn habits.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that me and Beatrice could have a nice relationship at least to my satisfaction, failing to realize that we or I could experience bullying because of the huge age difference and that I could experience being harassed and bullied because of our age and also our cultural differences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within emotions when I eventually have this though within my mind and I have gotten to this point of I really want a girl friend now more than before because I see what a fool I am making of myself when I am alone developing this kind of ideas and thoughts of moving to Philippines to be with Beatrice again.

When and as I see myself going into thinking and dreaming about Beatrice again, I stop and I breathe. I realize that the system do not want us to be together so it is not worth defying it since that could mean trouble and difficulties. I realize that I should not move to Philippines only out of desire from this young girl and I should rather work things out here back home with myself and to live that idea so above so below and to be that change within my life that I would like to see and live my life and stand in equality and oneness to any subject or obstacle that I may meet. I commit myself change the system from what it is today where girls have to prostitute to get money and to change it into something better for all.

When and as I see myself going into my mind reacting from desires or ideas that I should have a girl friend and how I need to find a girlfriend I stop and I breathe. I realize that I cannot go about creating imaginations and dreams about girls that I would like from a self sabotaging desire perspective because desire will always tempt me with what I do not have. I realize that I will slow myself down and take my time with finding a girl friend. I realize that I am in no hurry with finding here. I realize that I have plenty full of time to try to find that special one and I will give it time and work on myself first. I commit myself to stop all mind bullshit about how she should look like and how I picture here to be like etc. I commit myself to deal with myself and my relationship to myself which is self honesty and self forgiveness.

When and as I see myself creating desires and ideas of wanting a girl friend I stop and I breathe. I realize that from within my mind I create desires and ideas about how she looks and all sorts, I realize that If I give into the mind on how I would like a girl friend it is to complete something that I am missing within myself, and to fulfill what I am not. I realize that I do not need to have a girl friend to complete my empty pockets. I realize that is how very many relationships go on today. I realize that I do not need to have girl friend because I must for fill my desires and needs. That is wrong. I realize that I need a better foundation within myself and to establish self trust and to learn to love myself first.