Demonstrating a healthy, functional marriage in front of your kids can help to ensure your children feel protected and supported by you both. It can also help your kids learn how to process their own emotions and develop healthy relationships with others in the future. You can show your children how a healthy marriage works by having disagreements that are productive around your kids and by being open and affectionate around them. You and your partner can also work on maintaining healthy relationship habits in front of your kids so they can observe and model your behavior in the future.

Steps

Part 1

Having Productive Disagreements Around Your Kids

1

Be aware of the impact your relationship has on your kids. It is important to think about the ways a parental relationship can impact a child's emotional state and behavior. A child’s acting-out behaviors or social challenges usually reflect back onto the dynamics of their family unit and how their parents interact with one another, as well as how they project this onto their child. In other words, what is usually going on (or not going on) between mom and dad is often the cause of the child’s problems.

There is a strong relationship between how parents interact with one another in front of their children, and how a child feels, behaves, or adjusts to situations. For example, if you child has been exposed to a fight between you and your spouse, then this would put them at a greater risk of developing feelings of anxiety, shame, guilt, worthlessness, helplessness, hopelessness, and depression. Your child may also have trouble identifying and adopting healthy social skills and long-term healthy relationships with friends.

2

Manage conflict in appropriate ways. Conflict is normal and natural, and it is a part of all relationships. However, the way you deal with conflict, especially in the presence of our children, is important to promote their own understanding and developmental growth. Work with your spouse to demonstrate how to solve problems in a collaborative way. Approaching your conflicts in this way in front of your children, will increase the chances that your child will develop healthy personal and interpersonal life skills.

Make sure to avoid arguing in front of your children. It is especially important to avoid using inappropriate words or name calling in front of your children.

If you and your partner do get into an argument in front of your children, make sure to be courteous. Listen to one another’s viewpoints. Let your partner have a turn to speak, and make sure to validate their opinions and concerns.

If you and your partner do get into an argument in front of your kids and your disagreement becomes heated, then agree to take a “time out.” Your “time out” will help you both to cool down from the conflict, and then you can resume the conversation when you children are not around, such as while they are at school or at a friend’s house.

3

Take a deep breath before the disagreement gets out of hand. When you and your partner start to get into an argument in front of your kids, agree to both take a deep breath and step back from the situation. Taking a breath and stepping back can help you both get some perspective on the argument and handle it with less anger or resentment. Though you may both still be upset, having a lower anger threshold will ensure the argument does not get out of hand in front of your children.[1]

You and your partner may also agree to discuss the issue at a later time when you have both calmed down and can approach the situation with less emotion. You may also suggest this option to your partner if you feel you are getting upset and do not want things to escalate in front of the kids.

4

Focus on the behavior, not the person. When you and your partner have an argument in front of the kids, remember to focus on the behavior that bothers you, not on blaming the other person. You and your partner may try to use “I” statements to discuss your feelings about the other’s behavior and reflect on how to come to a resolution. Using “I” statements and focusing on the person’s behavior will ensure the disagreement stays productive.[2]

For example, you may say to your partner, “I feel like you are not pitching in as much as you could be around the house. Can we discuss this issue together?” or “I feel as though you are letting work take priority over spending time with the kids. Can we talk about this?”

5

Do not let your kids mediate the disagreement. When you and your partner are arguing, do not allow your kids to become the mediators or referees. If you notice the kids starting to try to mediate by saying, “Mom, don’t say that” or “Dad, be nice,” this is a sign that perhaps the argument has gotten out of hand. You and your partner may need to step back, take a deep breath, and agree to discuss the matter later in private, away from the kids.[3]

You should also be aware of any signs of stress in your kids during arguments with your partner. Pay attention to how your children react when you have a disagreement. If they cover their ears or run out of the room, these are signs of stress. They may also develop headaches, stomachaches, and other physical issues. Some kids act out at home or at school due to stress from parents fighting.

If you notice any signs of stress in your kids, you and your partner should discuss how you can both better approach disagreements and arguments in front of them. You and your partner may need to adjust your behavior so your kids are not stressed or upset by your actions.

6

Come to a resolution and reassure your kids. You and your partner should work together to come to an agreement or a resolution to the issue in private and in a controlled way. Agree not to shout, yell, or scream at each other. Take as much time as you both need to work out the issue. Then, let your kids know that you both have come to an agreement and can move forward together as a family. Reassuring your kids can help them feel less stressed and overwhelmed.[4]

For example, you may both sit down with your kids and say to them, “Mom and Dad have discussed the issue together and we have come up with a resolution” or “Mom and Dad have talked the issue out and are going to work on the problem together.”

Part 2

Being Open and Affectionate Around Your Kids

1

Show affection for your partner. You and your partner should not be shy about showing affection for each other in front of your kids. Showing physical affection for your partner in front of your kids tells them that showing affection for someone you love is normal and okay. Demonstrate open and affectionate behavior for your kids so they learn that there is no shame attached to being physically engaged with someone else.[5]

You and your partner may hold hands when you are together and in front of the kids. You may also give your partner a quick kiss hello and goodbye every day on the way to work.

Try to be playful around your partner and in front of your kids, making jokes, teasing, and laughing with your partner. This will show your kids that being playful around those you love is acceptable behavior.

2

Say “I love you” to your partner in front of your kids. Do not be afraid to say these loving words in front of your kids, as it can help them to get used to saying that to those they love and care about. You and your partner may say “I love you” to each other at least once a day or when the mood strikes. You may also tell your kids that you love each other as people and value each other as partners so they know your relationship is healthy.[6]

Try to maintain eye contact with your partner when you say “I love you” to them so your kids can see that eye contact is important in emotional situations. You may make an effort to also maintain eye contact with your partner when they are speaking so your kids can see that this type of body language is healthy.

3

Be affectionate to your kids. You and your partner should try to be affectionate to your children as well as to each other. Being affectionate to your kids will show them that there is no shame attached to being loving to another person. This can also help to create an environment at home that feels supportive and loving for your kids.[7]

You can be affectionate to your kids by telling them that you both love them on a daily basis. You can also do actions that feel affectionate, such as tucking them in for bed at night or tickling them and being goofy together.

Part 3

Maintaining Healthy Relationship Habits In Front of Your Kids

1

Make time for your partner. You and your partner should make time for your kids and be there for them as parents. But a big part of having a functional marriage is also making time for each other, where you spend time just the two of you. You and your partner should include alone time in your schedules so you can make sure your marriage gets the attention and care it needs.[8]

For example, you and your partner may have a standard date night once a week or twice a month where you go out just the two of you. You may arrange for childcare and spend time away from the kids for a night so you can have some alone time.

2

Show respect for your partner privately and in front of your kids. You and your partner should model healthy relationships in front of your kids as well as privately so your marriage is strong and functional. A big part of that is showing respect for each other, even in difficult situations. Always be respectful towards each other and try to support each other with kindness and care. Doing this can help to maintain your marriage and model good behavior for your kids.[9]

You can show respect for your partner in little ways by being on time for dinner every night and by following through on your commitments to your partner. You can also show respect for your partner by listening to them intently during any disagreements and by being honest with them during any arguments.

3

Spend quality time together as a family. You can also maintain a healthy marriage and a healthy family life by making an effort to spend quality time together as a family. This can help your kids feel important and central to your lives as parents. It can also allow you and your partner to work together as parents and feel like a team.[10]

Your family may spend quality time together by having a weekly movie and snacks night at home. Or you all may go out to see a game or a show together that you will all enjoy.

You may also have quality time with your family by going on a trip together, such as a camping trip, an overnight stay at a cottage, or an overseas trip to another country.

Sometimes quality time can come in the form of involving your kids in things you like to do, such as a favorite hobby or sport of yours. You may all go watch a sports game together or participate in a fun run together as a family.