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A dildo by any other name…

I lived a fairly sheltered life (at least sexually) before I wrangled my Ex into doing kinky stuff to me. I didn’t own a vibrator, had never even considered using one, and the use of other sex toys was definitely on the far side of “experimental” to me.

Girls that used sex toys were “wild.” Naughty. Maybe even (gasp) slutty.

I remember the first time I ever knew of someone that used a sex toy. I was about 20 years old, and my first husband’s sister had a friend that (it was whispered) was a call girl. This in and of itself was fascinating to me, even while I had to pretend shock and disgust because that was expected of me. I so wanted to hear about how that worked, and why she did it, and what it was like! But my first husband had a volatile and unpredictable temper – the one time I had gotten up the nerve to ask him what he knew about what she did (after the topic had been brought up by someone else earlier that evening) he had flown into a rage, calling me a slut and accusing me of secretly wanting to be a whore and fuck other men.

Okay, so maybe that was why I was asking…

Regardless, I never got to talk to her directly. My ex was either smart enough or lucky enough to never allow me the opportunity to talk to her alone, and it wasn’t something she talked about openly in normal gatherings. What I did get to do was clean her apartment once, though. She paid my ex’s sister to clean her place once a week. (A twenty-two year old that could afford to have a housecleaner?? Of course I was curious about how she made so much money, especially when I knew that she only worked weekends, and had a “city place” where she met her clients. I didn’t ewant to just know what she did – I wanted to be her.) Anyway, one day my ex’s sister asked me to help her clean the apartment (I can’t recall why, now.) So I got to clean her place…and poke around, looking in her closets at all her clothes and shoes, and into her drawers at the piles and piles of lingerie –

And one drawer full of sex toys. At the time I didn’t even know what they all were, although now, of course, I know they were mostly vibrators and dildos of one sort or another, and even, if memory serves, a strap-on harness and a black rubber buttplug.

I must have been standing there with my mouth hanging open because suddenly D (the sister) came up behind me and shut the drawer firmly. She gave me a “significant” look, smirked a little, and that was that. Nothing else was ever said. But that obviously played into how I feel about sex toys, at least in relation to my sexuality. I love them – and I am embarrassed by them. Even after I “grew up” and was turned on to kinky sex, I still felt uncomfortable about using sex toys. My ex and I did buy some, but that feeling – the tinge of shame and embarrassment – was still there. But – conversely and perversely – that is exactly what makes them hot. Embarrassment is a huge kink trigger for me, and so the use of dildos (and to a lesser degree, vibrators) is kinky to me.

Or it is if it is something I am forced to do to myself or had done to me. Asking to use sex toys, unfortunately, diminishes the kinky edge for me, so it just becomes sexual pleasure. Which hey, ain’t a bad thing! I have learned the joys of using sex toys simply for pleasure, without the necessity of kink to enjoy them. In the last two years I have discovered a definite preference for having something inside of me while I masturbate or use a vibe, and love my wooden, glass and steel dildos. My preference is for medium length and larger girth, with slickness being more important than any kind of bumps and swirls. In fact those usually just annoy me. I’ve also discovered a strong liking for weight and heft in my dildos.

I do have a funny story about sex toys and W.

After he and I had been playing for awhile, I got brave and brought over some of the sex toys that the Ex and I had accumulated over the years, and which I had ended up with when we split. I was very very shy about asking for things then, and deeply attached to the idea that he was the Boss and did all the “doing” and I was the bottom and got done to. Without prompting, asking or hinting. I was in a D/s relationship, dammit, not just having kinky sex! At least in my head. And that, of course, made it hot for me.

So bringing my bag of toys over was a huge step, though I couldn’t decide if it was forward or backward. I just knew that I had all these cool toys and no one was using them, and I wanted to use them! I wanted him to use them on me.

Yeah, that never really happened. My sex toys sat in my bag unless I asked specifically to use them, and then…well, that wasn’t so much fun. W’s and my sex life was deeply kinky, so me just getting a sex toy out and fucking myself with it was a bit of a let-down. Hell, I could have done that by myself! He never seemed to make the connection – that it was the very act of him using it on me that was hot, because then it was a kink trigger, a tool to be used on me, and not just a feel-good sex toy, which doesn’t do a lot for him mentally. So…they sat there in the bag, at least until I got tired of waiting and took them home again. Once home, Ad was more than happy to use them in our sex play, and using them was a pleasure because I wasn’t missing that essential element – kink – with him. With Ad, sex can just be sex.

Then one day, in frustration (I’d obviously moved into a more confident, forward role in our relationship) I asked W point blank why he didn’t use sex toys on me. He seemed shocked at the question. “I do!” he said.

I nodded – he had tied a glass dildo inside me during one extremely hot scene early on. But then he went on. “What about that scene with the…” and named several household items, such as a broom handle, a pipe from the basement, and a hand weight, all items that he had shoved inside my cunt over the years. As well as a few items he had made himself, such as the J-hook, and even, a few times, actual toys that had been designed for sex play, such as a wooden “dildo” with a particularly brutal shape that felt like I was being fucked by a bulbous pyramid. Those are what W calls “sex toys.” LOL But every time he uses them in exactly the way that turns me on – as tools, using me, not pleasuring me. Fucking me with them, like they are an extension of his intent, his intent to dominate and subjugate me. So I guess I think of them as sex toys now – as “found” dildos – as well.

Which is, of course, what I wanted with my “normal” dildos – the aggression and dominance mixed in with the intense pleasure that sex toys made to be pleasurable can bring.

Apparently sex toys need a certain element for them to be kinky to him, too. There has to be a “wrongness” for it to work for him, coupled with the aggression. And that’s why my Njoy 11 works so well for us both, I think. It’s a pound of steel, its girth and length is brutal, and there’s a mental aspect to shoving a huge steel cock into me that he enjoys immensely – almost as much as I enjoy having him shove it into me. So, somehow, we accidentally arrived at the same place, and now, occasionally, I get my dildos used on me in the way I like best – and in between I’m learning to just enjoy them for what they are: a path to sexual pleasure.

I can totally relate to the subjugation part. For me, that’s when dildos are at their most fun – when they’re used ‘on you’, so to speak. In fact, I don’t really use mine solo, come to think of it; they are very much a toy that we use together. There is one that we have that M particularly likes and whenever he gets it out, I know I am in trouble (in the best sort of way). It’s not particularly big but the shape is suited to hitting the G-Spot -which all sounds good until you’ve been forced to orgasm over, and over, and over, and over, and over … Jane xxx PS – ‘found’ dildos? HOT! We do that, too! Wrongness rocks. :-)

Reading this you made me realise that I left out something in my post about dildos and that is the role they play within our kink relationship. I love them for me, for the sexual pleasure they bring, but in his hand they become something else entirely, something more powerful and invasive…. Hmmm, I might have to write about post

Just so you know I will be sitting in a Local performance of Romeo and Juliette this coming Saturday night and all i will be able to do is think about Dildos. Then again I love perverting the Bard in my own posts from time to time so this one is extra fun for me.

If nothing else this week’s topic has convinced me to go buy a few new toys.