Why Do We Listen To Each Another?

What if it were true that we only understand a fraction of what others say to
us? And if true, what can we do about it?

As someone who has taken great pride in accurately hearing what others say, I
was annoyed to discover that it’s pretty impossible for any listeners to achieve
any consistent level of accuracy. The problem is not the words – we hear those,
albeit we only remember them for less than 3 seconds and not in the proper order
(Remember the game of Telephone we played as kids?). The problem is how we
interpret them.

OUR BRAINS RESTRICT ACCURACY

When researching my new book What? Did you really say what I think I heard? I
learned that our brains arbitrarily delete or redefine anything our
Communication Partners (CPs) say that might be uncomfortable or atypical.
Unfortunately, we then believe that what we think we’ve heard – a subjective
translation of what’s been said - is actually what was said or meant. It’s
usually some degree of inaccurate. And it’s not our fault. Our brains do it to
us.

Just as our eyes take in light that our brains interpret into images, so our
ears take in sound that our brains interpret into meaning. And because
interpreting everything we hear is overwhelming, our brain takes short cuts and
habituates how it interprets. So when John has said X, and Mary uses similar
words or ideas days or years later, our brains tell us Mary is saying X. It’s
possible that neither John nor Mary said X at all, or if they did their intended
meaning was different; it will seem the same to us.

Not only does habit get in the way, but our brains use memory, triggers,
assumptions, and bias – filters - to idiosyncratically interpret the words
spoken. Everything we hear people say is wholly dependent upon our unique and
subjective filters. It’s automatic and unconscious: we have no control over
which filters are being used. Developed over our lifetimes, our filters
categorize people and social situations, interpret events, delete references,
misconstrue ideas, and redefine intended meaning. Without our permission.

As a result, we end up miscommunicating, mishearing, assuming, and
misunderstanding, producing flawed communications at the best of times although
it certainly seems as if we’re hearing and interpreting accurately. In What?
(free download) I have an entire chapter of stories recounting very funny
conversations filled with misunderstandings and assumptions. My editor found
these stories so absurd she accused me of inventing them. I didn’t.

It starts when we’re children: how and what we hear other’s say gets determined
when we’re young. And to keep us comfortable, our brains kindly continue these
patterns throughout our lives, causing us to restrict who we have relationships
with, and determine our professions, our friends, and even where we live.

HOW DO WE CONNECT

Why does this matter? Not because it’s crucial to accurately understand what
others want to convey – which seems obvious – but to connect. The primary reason
we communicate is to connect with others.

Since our lives are fuelled by connecting with others, and our imperfect
listening inadvertently restricts what we hear, how can we remain connected
given our imperfect listening skills? Here are two ways and one rule to separate
‘what we hear’ from the connection itself:

For important information sharing, tell your CP what you think s/he said
before you respond.

When you notice your response didn’t get the expected reaction, ask your CP
what s/he heard you say.

Rule: If what you’re doing works, keep doing it. Just know the difference
between what’s working and what’s not, and be willing to do something different
the moment it stops working. Because if you don’t, you’re either lucky or
unlucky, and those are bad odds.

Now let’s get to the connection issue. Here’s what you will notice at the moment
your connection has been broken:

A physical or verbal reaction outside of what you assumed would happen;

A sign of distress, confusion, annoyance, anger;

A change of topic, an avoidance, or a response outside of the expected
interchange.

Sometimes, if you’re biasing you're listening to hear something specific, you
might miss the cues of an ineffective reaction. Like when, for example, sales
people or folks having arguments merely listen for openings to say that they
want, and don’t notice what’s really happening or the complete meaning being
conveyed.

Ultimately, in order to ensure an ongoing connection, to make sure everyone’s
voice is heard and feelings and ideas are properly conveyed, it’s most effective
to remove as many listening filters as possible. Easier said than done, of
course, as they are built in. (What? teaches how to fix this.) In the meantime,
during conversations, put yourself in Neutral; rid yourself of biases and
assumptions when listening; regularly check in with your Communication Partner
to make sure your connection is solid. Then you’ll have an unrestricted
connection with your CP that enables sharing, creativity, and candor.

Sharon Drew Morgen is the author of 9 books, including NYTimes Business
Bestseller Selling with Integrity, and What? Did You Really Say What I Think I
Heard? She has developed facilitation material for sales/change management,
coaching, and listening. To learn more about her sales, decision making, and
change management material, (www.dirtylittlesecretsbook.com) go to
www.sharondrewmorgen.com. To learn more about her work on closing the gap
between what’s said and what’s heard, go to www.didihearyou.com. Contact Sharon
Drew for training, keynotes, or online programs at sharondrew@sharondrewmorgen.com.
Sharon Drew is currently designing programs for coaches to Find and Keep the
Ideal Client, and Lead Facilitation for Lead Generation.