Tuesday, September 12, 2006

The Warped Aussie Values Tour '06

I'm a bit unsure about the Australian values on Visa forms thing that Kim Beazley is proposing. What are these values exactly? I thought it was time to do some research...

Doing some hunting through things of Australian legend, which have been passed down from generation to generation and have become an intrinsic part of life, I have discovered legendary Australians, legendary stories involving Australians, legendary Australian things. Obviously these are what forms the very lifeblood of this country! The moral values! The... sorry, getting choked up with emotion here...

*misty-eyed moment* *ahem* ;)

Anyways, from some of the legendary things, a shortlist of things for potential Visa-applicants to agree to may just include these kind of things:

> You will be equipped with a set of clanky, heavy metal armour with what looks like a bucket with a post-box slit in it for a helmet, handed a gun and expected to hold up the local bank. Or a stagecoach. Or both. Can't do it? Well, there's obviously not going to be any gallery exhibitions dedicated to you!

> Gallipoli. No more need be said, other than clutch it to your bosom like a maternal boa-constrictor.

> You will be put on a flight from Australia to London, in which time you will have the opportunity to try to eclipse the legendary David Boon 52 . The Doug Walters 44 will be considered acceptable. Those failing this test will be labeled commie weirdo wowser girlies and not allowed back on the flight to Australia.

> On the cricketing theme, you'll be expected to be able to explain, in detail, the ins and outs of the Leg Before Wicket rule. And express the fervent desire to field at short fine leg for hours on end in the hot sun. Failing this obviously means you'll never understand Australian values, or know Don Bradman's batting average for memory.

> Ugg boots must be embraced for Winter, thongs in Summer. Blundstones will be considered year-'round acceptable footware and you shouldn't have to explain your resulting odd tan to anyone when you're wearing thongs.

> You will be tested for your performance of the Aussie Salute. No, not the one-fingered one, or it's relative, the two-fingered variety, but the one that swats away the flies. Shortest way up, shortest way down. Unnecessary flailing will see points deducted.

> Vegemite. Know it, love it, slather it on toast. Also memorise, "Weeeeee're happy little Vegemites as bright as bright can be, we all enjoy our Vegemite for breakfast, lunch and tea!" (which also cues knowledge test of what "tea" is in Australian vernacular).

> Sing Waltzing Matilda on request. Rendition with best John Williamson-style voice will gain bonus points.

> Men dressed as women = comedy (a concept broadly applicable to many cultures). Knowledge of most famous Australian one, Dame Edna Everage, vital.

That's all I could think of for the time being...

Note: purely satirical, in no way endorsing attempting the Boonie 52, or even the Dougie 44, or holding up banks, stage coaches, sounding like John Williamson, etc.

Ohh, good point! I guess that can be a lesson for all of us Aussies who want to die like Aussies. And the ultimate way to do it would probably be at Gallipoli with a stingray (this is starting to sound like Cluedo, so I'll stop now).

phew! i was glas to see this was satirical! i had already bought a ned kelly helmet and was planning my first bank robbery so that i could be part of the australian way of life! thank goodness i read your blog first!

I'm just glad you read all the way through and didn't rush out to complete the first of the "tasks" ;) But just think of all the things you can do with the Ned Kelly helmet. Make an attractive letterbox. Or a decorative bucket. Or something.