Chianca: Let's go out and get some fresh hair

Peter Chianca/At Large

Friday

May 25, 2007 at 12:01 AMMay 25, 2007 at 1:40 AM

Last week, the journal Nature published a study that speaks to the essence of our human potential: Scientists at the University of Pennsylvania think they may be on the verge of regenerating lost hair follicles. That sound you just heard was a collective “Hoo-ah!” from every guy who hasn’t taken off his baseball cap since 1998.

The problem with science is it seems to spend a lot of time working on things that, in the end, aren’t absolutely necessary. For instance, how many MIT graduates are, right now as we speak, working on inventing a softer toilet paper whose increased suppleness will be explained to us by cartoon bears? I’m thinking thousands.

But last week, the journal Nature published a study that speaks to the essence of our human potential: Scientists at the University of Pennsylvania think they may be on the verge of regenerating lost hair follicles. That sound you just heard was a collective “Hoo-ah!” from every guy who hasn’t taken off his baseball cap since 1998.

So for the first time, it looks like baldness might become a thing of the past, like scurvy and heavy metal. Of course, they haven’t done this in humans yet, but it’s worked in bald mice, resulting in a significant decline in the number of mice buying Ferraris when they turn 50.

“But why should you be concerned with such a discovery?” you may ask. “You have a fine head of hair! Why, it’s almost — if you can judge such things by a black-and-white, one-by-one-inch photo printed on newsprint — lustrous!” And it’s true that you’ve always been extremely perceptive.

Actually, though, I recently saw a picture of myself in my early 20s, and the sheer volume of hair piled up in curvy waves above my brow was downright shocking. In contrast, more recent photos have shown what I think are undeniable flashes of visible scalp — my wife says it’s a trick of the light, but the older we get the more I realize she just says these things because she loves me.

It may sound vain, but seeing that old picture reminded me that I liked having a lot of hair. Not so much when I’d oversleep and have to go to school with my head looking like the side of a cliff, but other times. For instance, for a while I had a pretty good pompadour going — I cut quite a fine figure in the late ’80s, what with my three extra inches of hair and my big sweaters with patches of leather on them. It was like Elvis and Bill Cosby had accidentally had their DNA recombinated.

I thought those days were long gone, but now it seems that rather than continue on my inevitable journey toward looking like a Batman villain, I may just get the chance to have that head of hair back. I’m no scientist, but from what I’ve read it seems fairly easy, as long as you don’t mind having the top layer of your scalp sliced off. And let’s face it; if the other option is being bald, having a giant scab where your head should be is a small price to pay. I think it was Burt Reynolds who said that.

Meanwhile, I’m sure there are those who think there’s no need for a baldness cure, that there’s nothing wrong with having no hair, and we should all just stop being so narcissistic. Unfortunately, everyone who says that either has a ton of hair or is basing the entire theory on Capt. Jean-Luc Picard of the Starship Enterprise, who was far from typical. This was a man who could pull off going to work in his pajamas.

So in the meantime I’ll keep doing what I can to stave off the desertion of my follicles (incidentally, volumizing hair gel — not only doesn’t it work, but I’m starting to think that “volumizing” may not even be a real word), and wait for science to do its thing. You know they’re working hard: They say if they can perfect the process, it may even eventually allow doctors to regenerate limbs. Limbs!

I can’t wait to hear what the cartoon bears have to say about that.

Peter Chianca is a CNC managing editor the brains behind the “The Shorelines Blog” (blogs.townonline.com/shorelines). To receive At Large by e-mail, write to info@chianca-at-large.com, with the subject line “SUBSCRIBE.”