Saturday, December 31, 2005

Well, this is my last post of 2005. And seeing as I have to get ready to party tonight, it's gonna be a short one. I just want to thank all of you for coming back here to read my ramblings time and again. Somehow after seven years of doing comedy, this has, in a certain way, become the most redeeming part. I see the numbers goes up literally week by week and am now averaging about 520 unique hits a day, which, I think, is pretty good.

So long 2005, and happy New Year to all of you. Get drunk tonight, it's on me...

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

I've been planning on posting all morning but since I haven't been on IM for a week I'm getting slammed with a ton of messages today. I know I could just sign off, but frankly I like all the attention. I'm really weak when it comes to virtual attention.

So now that I've been to Texas I have to say that all the pictures that you see of GWB in a cowboy hat are a bit misleading. I saw about five people in cowboy hats, and two of them were working at the airport. After asking around it seems that the cowboy community in Texas is dwindiling in numbers, and most of them just wear the hats to trick us into thinking that they still are cowboys. I know, I know, just the thought of GWB tricking us into thinking something that isn't true is just unbearable. I'm truly sorry to be the bearer of bad tidings.

I didn't bump into any Bush family members but I was surprised to find that of the few people I talked politics with that most seemed very anti-Bush. I haven't seen that much anti-Bush sentiment since the 2005 Gay Pride Parade.

I hope you enjoyed the double-entrendre of the previous sentence, it was a pleasure writing it.

While I thought Texas was gonna be all cowboys and inbred hicks it really just seemed like a slightly bigger version of New Jersey. Malls where everywhere and there were so many food chains that I even saw an Applebee's inside of a Starbucks.

Yup, an Applebee's in a Starbucks. They aren't kidding when they say "everything is bigger in Texas."

Went to a fast food joint known as "Whattaburger" where a woman with no teeth gave me the biggest smile ever as she welcomed me to the fine establishment. Somehow a toothless smile can be very disarming. And a burger chewed with teeth can be quite delicious.

I was offered tickets to a Dallas Mavericks game but unfortunately because of my break-neck schedule I couldn't make it. Thanks again Mark Cuban, I owe you one.

From what I understand I didn't miss much here, and somehow they were even able to resolve the transit strike without me. I guess it just goes to show that sometimes you have to let go to really allow things to change.

Now you'll have to excuse me, I'm gonna go rassle me up some collared greens for dinner...YEE HAW!!

Got back to NYC late last night. I'll have a full report on Texas later this afternoon. I've gotta do a couple clerical things to do first like feeding the fish, hitting the gym, going to the bank and gettting my new cowboy hat fitted...

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

The transit strike is on, and while I don't want to take sides, let me say that the transit workers and their union representatives can go fuck themselves.

The starting salary for a subway conductor is $52,000, while the starting salary for a police officer is under $30,000. I'd mention the starting salary for a comedian, but I don't want to upset you anymore than you already are.

Long story short, the strike was interesting, dare I say even a little fun in the morning, but as the day wore on it got more and more tedious and people got more and more frustrated. I haven't seen so many angry people stuck in traffic since the day before we bombed Baghdad.

In other news, I just got a pair of whatever you call those things that just cover your ears from the cold. I guess you call them earmuffs, I don't know why that didn't come to me just then. You see how this strike is affecting me? It's sick.

Think I'm gonna have some soup for dinner. Not with a sandwich, just soup alone. Soup and sandwich isn't really a meal, so said Banya in one of the best episodes of Seinfeld, and here I am having just soup. I guess Banya and I don't agree on this one. We do agree however on comedy about Ovaltine. It's gold Jerry, gold!

Alright, that's it for now, I really need to relax. Think I'll just flick the channels for a few and see what comes up. If I'm lucky I'll see another commercial for "Skating with Celebrities" on Fox. That should help me unwind.

Monday, December 19, 2005

Peyton Manning and the Colts lost for the first time all season yesterday. Interestingly, I also watched the movie, "The Hand that Rocks the Cradle" on Sunday, a movie in which the main character's name is Peyton. Then the Colts lost. Coincidence? I think not.

Bush gave another speech this morning. He's like a little 7th grader who doesn't do his homework all year and then brings it all in the last week of the semester. I can relate to that.

The light in my fridge broke this morning. Where do you get a replacement for a fridge light? If I lived next door to Fred Flintstone I'd just borrow a jar of firefly's. I guess I could just get firefly's on my own, but they aren't in season right now.

Iran's President banned wastern music throught the entire country. Finally, some good news out of the Mid-East.

They're once again talking about a transit strike set to kick-in later tonight. You know it's getting serious this time, even the rats in the subway are picketing.

Yes, if you're reading this Jay Leno, you can use that tonight.

I'll probably be going to a holiday party at one of NYC's many comedy clubs tonight. It's the way the clubs give back to us for stealing our souls and dignity. Warm beer and cold pizza go a long way for hungry comics.

Mmm, warm beer and cold pizza. It's like college, but with less cool people...

Thursday, December 15, 2005

They're saying that there's gonna be a huge mass-transit strike here in NYC tommorrow. If it happens there will be mass chaos, utter confusion and sheer insanity throughout the boroughs. We've all been informed to have a contigency plan in case of the strike. My plan is to sit on my fire escape and randomly shoot people with a sawed-off shotgun.

So Andrew and I hit the Manhattan Mall, H&M, and Macy's today. Gifts were purchased, though I cannot give specifics as not to tip off any of the people who might be receiving them. Macy's and the mall make you go up and down escalators in hopes of finding what you want, though somehow it always ends up being on the floor you just left. (In comedian voice...What's the deal with that?)

I tried on an Adidas jacket in Macy's only to find out that it didn't have any pockets. Call me old-fashioned, but a jacket without pockets seems very impractical.

Speaking of being old, I played basketball again tonight, which means I played on back-to-back nights after not playing for about three months. It's times like this that I wish I was in the NBA so that I could ice my knees after the game while getting a BJ from a cheerleader.

Or even a mascot.

For the first time in awhile I didn't watch CNN for even one second today. I feel so alive.

You might've noticed we swapped a couple things in the left and right columns on the site today. I'm told by my web people that "Archives" on the right is big these days. Who am I to fight the trends of the internet?

Speaking of trends of the internet, I'm thinking about a 24 hour webcam in my apartment so you can watch all the highly hysterical things that go on here. The only thing stopping me is that then you'll all see the secret ingredient to my chicken cutlets. Well, the secret ingredient, and that I always cook in the nude.

Hangon a sec, there's a knock on the door...

Oh, the Phoenix Sun's Gorilla mascot just showed up with a bucket of ice. Looks like someone's gettin lucky tonight...

Heading out to the mall in a few minutes to do some holiday shopping. Andrew Tavani and I will be going together to purchase gifts for friends and family, as well as to discuss and note the strange thing known as the human condition. The comedian and the social satyrist, out there, amongst the people. If all goes well it will end with a great story involving a fight with a guy handing out samples in the food court.

Damn those handout guys, they never let you take more than one piece of chicken tempura...

Apparently, an intern turned receptionist at The Daily Show killed himself this weekend. As a former intern at The Daily Show I can't help but wonder what happened. People ask me about my internship there all the time and I tell them the truth, that I busted my ass for 6 months and left without a job, but it was good nonetheless because of the times I got to spend talking shop with Jon Stewart. Somehow, maybe not getting a job there was the best thing that ever happened to me. Or at least it might've bought me a couple extra years.

Had Boston Market for lunch today. I'd really be happy to be a Boston Market spokesman one day. I feel that you get a quality meal there for a fair price. There, I said it, before I've even been chosen to be their spokesman. Now when it happens you know I'm talking turkey. Or chicken. Or meatlof. Or sirloin.

Yea, they have sirloin, who knew?

Called my grandma today and I got her answering machine. For a second I actually thought she might be screening calls.

It's pretty cold out there today. How cold is it? It's so cold I got a memo from my balls to wear tighter underwear.

Okay, I'm gonna take a nap, this tight underwear is cutting off my circulation and I think it's effecting my stamina.

Was "effecting" or "affecting" grammatically correct there? I can't seem to figure it out. It's probably due to the poor circulation that is affecting my stamina.

Monday, December 12, 2005

Just watched President Bush's hour-long speech today while running on the elliptical machine. Maybe it was the running fast while going nowhere but I'm starting to like the guy again.

The best part of the speech was when he said there have been 30,000 Iraqi's killed, "more or less." What's the more or less spectrum on 30,000? I'm thinking it's about 5,000 less to 50,000 more.

Saw a commercial for "Cheaper by the Dozen 2" a few minutes ago. If the masses so love these movies with lots of kids driving two career-oriented parents crazy, why stop with twelve kids? Let's get it to twenty. Or forty. Actually, let's bump it up to a hundred and have the whole movie be the woman constantly spitting kids out of her tired vagina.

I'm sorry for the graphicness there, but I thought of a couple different endings and that was the one that seemed to fit best. Plus, Larry David and Jeff Green had a long conversation about a large vagina a couple weeks ago on Curb, so obviously I couldn't use that.

Anyone else not enjoying Marv Albert as the play-by-play guy for the Nets on the YES Network? And no, I'm not gonna make this a woman-biting-while-in-a-dress-joke here. He just sounds tired and bored. Hang in there Ian Eagle, your day is coming.

I just realized that I inherently made a Marv Albert woman-biting-while-in-a-dress-joke there. And to top it off I'm probably the only person who watches Net games. A waste at so many levels.

Got a new laptop battery sent to me by HP after just a few minutes on the phone telling them I didn't think that my computer should smell like popcorn after it's been on for over 15 minutes. Mad props to HP for quick, reliable and friendly service.

I was listening to Howard Stern the other morning and I'm actually considering getting Sirius Radio once he makes the switch. There's a rumor floating around that he's gonna try to have a million people have an orgasm all at the same time. Seeing as I have enough problems with anyone else involved in the process whatsoever, it seems like it'll be worth 10 bucks a month.

Been reading some interesting stuff about Richard Pryor over the last few days and it's got me on this kick thinking about some other groundbreaking comedians like Lenny Bruce, Bill Hicks and Andy Kaufman. I genuinely wonder if any of them could have any success the way that comedy clubs are set up today. I think I know the answer, but I don't want to write it out because I'm afraid of what it'll mean for my future.

(I'd explain more about the club system but I don't want to start riots. That's not what The Daily Dave is about...Or is it?)

Whenever I go to the bank to make a deposit I always say to the teller, "Feel free to add a couple zero's to that." It never fails to get huge laughs, go ahead and try it for yourself.

Okay, I think that's it for now. I've enjoyed this today, but I must go live a life outside of my apartment. I'm thinking I'll go to the store downstairs to get a Mountain Dew and then come right back up here but maybe I'll be more adventurous when I get outside...

Sunday, December 11, 2005

So the Pope thinks that Christmas is getting a little too commercialized. I guess I won't be getting him "Santa Claus Junior" for Gameboy this year. Here is the official description of the game...

"Santa Claus Junior is a platform game for Gameboy Color. It features a little boy named Nick whose job it is to find all the presents Santa Claus lost when the evil witch caught him, so of course he must defeat the witch and free Santa Claus so that Christmas can commence as usual."

Saturday, December 10, 2005

Pryor is on every self-respecting comedian's list of influences for his fearless attitude, his uncompromising style, and his amazing ability to tell the truth. Those are all the things I try to do, aspire to do, and will continue to do.

Friday, December 09, 2005

Back-to-back days with a sports picture, could this signal my unretirement from semi-professional cricket?

The man above, who has strikingly similiar arm muscles to mine, is Scottie Pippen. He is best-known as Michael Jordan's sidekick during all the championship years, but in the Rubin family he is known as my brother's favorite player. For a good part of the mid-90's there was rarely a family meal that passed without some sort of debate as to whether Pippen or Clyde Drexler was a better player. Usually the meals ended with a plate being thrown at someone, though that really had more to do with the fact that my sister was in the plate-throwing club at school rather than the Pippen-Drexler debate.

Pippen's number is being retired tonight in Chicago and in honor of that I'd like to admit something to my brother. Pippen was better than Drexler. There, I said it.

For one month, February of 1994, while Clyde was on the injured list.

I can say that because my brother and his fiancee now are the proud owners of my grandparent's china, and I know he wouldn't dare throw a plate at me. You just can't break up a set like that. Also, for some reason when I go to my parents they make me eat off of paper plates, so it looks like I'm getting out of this one unscathed.

Congrats Scottie, and Jonathan.

Yesterday was the 25th anniversary of John Lennon's assasination. At all of four years old I don't rememember the day he was shot, but I usually walk past the Dakota a few times a week. There are always people outside there paying their respects or just sitting quietly in Strawberry Fields just across the street. Anyone who can get people in NYC to keep quiet for a few minutes is truly a transcedent person.

I don't really get what all the hoopla is over "Brokeback Moutain", otherwise known as "the gay cowboy movie." Who cares if a cowboy is gay? If I was a horse maybe I'd be concerned, but seeing as I'm not a horse, it doesn't really bother me.

I just realized that I probably doubled today's hits to The Daily Dave because I wrote "gay" and "horse" in the same paragraph. If that comes even close to what "horse vagina" has done for me I'll be able to sell stirrups on here soon.

Might go out to dinner tonight. No, not might, I'm gonna do it. But where? And with who? These questions will all be answered...

The first snow of the season hit NYC last night. The best part of the snow here, in my opinion, is watching people maneuver their way through the piles of snow that accumulate after the plows have hit the streets. You'll see men in business suits, old woman with canes, and everything in between trying to hike over 2 foot piles of snow. There will be the occasional fall, and when there is, you make sure the person didn't break anything and then you laugh to yourself. It's a New York City tradition.

I'm gonna go hike a couple snow mountains now on my way to getting some bread. My return will bring a lengthier post. That is, unless I fall and break something, which would be rather unfunnny albeit a wee-bit ironic...

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

The Houston Astros didn't offer arbitration to Roger Clemens, which means that the best pitcher of this generation could retire any day now. A couple years back when I lived on the East Side, I used to see Roger now and then after he'd be working out with a couple other players. Though I never stopped him to say hi, I did notice that his neck was absolutely huge, even bigger than one of my thighs.

There will be many articles written about Clemens over the next couple days but that little tid-bit is an exclusive to The Daily Dave.

Rob Riener announced today that he won't run for Governor of California. Somewhere in heaven Archie Bunker just breathed a sigh of relief.

I have a strong feeling that Steven Speilberg is going to surprise everyone with his new film "Munich" and somehow get an alien involved in the plot. It's only based on a true-story, after all.

For some reason I don't really feel like mentioning anything about the guy that got shot by the Air Marshall today. I'll leave that up to Gary Marshall, Penny Marshall and the people over at Marshall University.

Hmm, I'm not particularly satisfied with this post and I am starting to think that it's too late for me to fix it. Kinda like when you're having sex and in the middle you realize it's just not gonna be one for your personal highlight reel so you just mail the rest in. Let's just say I'm walking to the post office right now...

Hmm...C'mon Dave, you can do it...

It was pretty cold out there today. How cold was it? Let's just say really, really cold.

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

About an hour ago I walked out of my apartment and bumped into the woman who lives down the hall. I often bump into her here and there and we have the smattering of nonsensical talk that people who don't really want to talk usually have. Generally when I bump into her she is standing in the hall smoking, which is a big no-no in according to building rules, but she does it nonetheless. I do know that she lives with her daughter and grand-daughter, and perhaps other people, so I can only assume she smokes in the hall because they don't want her to smoke in the apartment.

I don't really mind that she is smoking in the hall as much as that she does it there because she she doesn't want to disrespect her family by giving them cancer, so instead she disrespects the rest of the people living in the building.

And now to the funny part...

So we bumped into each other and as we usually do, we talked about the weather. "Sure is cold out there", she said. "I heard it's gonna snow later", I retorted. This went on for about 30 seconds when I noticed that there was smoke coming out of her jacket through her neckline. I then looked down and saw that it was also coming out of the right arm of her jacket. I couldn't see her hand there, which led me to believe that she suddenly didn't want me to see her smoking so she hid the cigarette in the arm of her jacket. Pretty clever old-broad, indeed.

Long story short (or is it too late for that?), I never mentioned that I thought she was on fire, and I think she thought she pulled a fast one on me. But I know what she's up to. For where there's smoke, there's an old smoking woman.

As I write this I just glanced at the TV only to see William Shatner in bed with James Spader. How jealous is Leonard Nemoy right now?

Oh, one other quick story. I went to pick up chinese food after the smoking incident and when I walked in a black man came in right behind me and the guy at the door said to him, "This way." He then brought him over to a table where another black man was sitting alone. I couldn't hear the exact conversation but it turned out that the guy at the door just assumed that second guy was there to sit with another black man. It got a little testy but ultimately the man sat at a table a few feet away.

When the guy who was doing the seating returned I gave him a quizical look about the situation. He looked at me and said, "Oh, I thought they were together. They are the same gender."

Monday, December 05, 2005

The picture above is of a Japanese Fighting Fish that I took off the internet. Unfortunately, in the time I had with my JFF, I never thought of taking a picture until it was too late. I've mentioned 'Old Bluey' here a couple times before because of all the late nights we'd spend together discussing the meaning of life. Well, mostly it was just me staring into his tank thinking about the meaning of life, but sometimes I felt as if he would swim up and down or left and right as if to signal to me if I was onto something or not. While I enjoy the fish I have today, none of them will ever be another Old Bluey.

(That may be because they are all orange in color, and it would be ridiculous to name an orange fish Old Bluey, but I like to think it's because Old Bluey was just one of a kind.)

Anyway, you'll notice that slightly below in the right column that I've put up a little swimming fish in honor of Old Bluey. It's just a little reminder to me of the one fish who I threw into the East River because a toilet bowl flushing wouldn't have done justice to his tremendous existence.

(A moment of silence, please...)

Okay, moving along, I've noticed lately that when people show me their myspace site that they often have listed as friends people who I know they are either not friends with, or in some cases can't even stand the site of. This makes me think that people are just pretending to be friends with people so that they can connect with the other person's friends, thus increasing their own friend list. Call me old fashioned, but I'll stick with my five friends, my basketball, my Playstation and my memories of a dead fish.

At his trial today, Sadaam Hussein said, "I am not afraid of execution." When reminded that he might be the one executed and not the one ordering the execution, he said, "Oh, well, I, uhh, well, I mean, I, uhh, so, uhh, anyone wanna go get a falafel?"

Has anyone else noticed that in the commercial for "The Producers" movie, that instead of saying Mel Brooks' name, the voice-over guy says, "From the creative genuis who brought you Young Frankenstien and Blazing Saddles?" I sense something is up with that, I just don't know what.

Howard Stern says that one of the segments on his new Sirius channel will be a version of "The View" with four crack-addicted prostitutes. How does that differ from the original?

Ah, I liked that one.

Microsoft announced plans today to get X-Box 360 released in Asia by early March, 2006. Umm, how about getting some to a couple stores in New York City first, Mr. Gates?

No, I won't be buying it, I just like to stick it to Bill Gates. Edgy, I know.

Entertainment Weekly has a segment offering Steven King's opinion on the best music of 2005. Could that possible be the same Steven King as I'm thinking? If so, I'm guessing that various remakes of "Monster Mash" are on there several times.

Sunday, December 04, 2005

The Curb season 5 finale was pretty good tonight. In many ways the show has jumped the perenial shark, but it ended the season on a high note. Bea Arthur even made a cameo in heaven as Larry's mother. Two great comic talents like that haven't been on screen together since I did my walk-on during the last episode of "The Carol Burnett Show."

So the one-nighter on Saturday was great. The show was totally sold-out and the crowd was what we industry people call "hot." I was feelin' it up there the whole time and if you're nice I might just post the audio from the set sometime later this week. If you're not nice I'll probably post it anyway, but just think of it as a "Santa wants to know if you're naughty or nice" type of deal. We all know he does whatever he wants, so don't feel any pressure.

Oh yea, I was involved in a 16 person orgy after the show, but damnit, my camera phone wasn't working and you'll just have to take my word for it.

You'll also have to take my word that I'll have a solid Monday posting...

Saturday, December 03, 2005

I'm doing a "one-nighter" tonight, which, in comedian terms, is a Saturday night gig outside NYC. I typed "one-nighter" into Google Images, and this is the picture that came up, so I posted it for you to enjoy. Somehow, I doubt that my comedic adventure will be nearly as interesting.

Ahh, the one-nighter. Quick, drunken, and something you never want to think about after doing it.

And that's just the comedy one.

I'll see if I can take equally as interesting pictures with my camera phone. Wish me luck...

Friday, December 02, 2005

Oprah and Letterman finally buried the hatchet yesterday. I guess now all that is left is for me to bury the hatchet with Leno. Okay, okay, Jay, call me, I'll do the show. This tension between us is getting us nowhere.

Every month I get one or two e-mails from people who want to "make it" in comedy asking me for advice. For some reason this month I've gotten a slew of those e-mails. I'm starting to think it's my parents screwing with me.

I don't know that I can give anyone advice on how to "make it", whatever that means. I can give insight into how to be a real comedian, about how to be an artist, and about how to surround yourself with some like-minded people. As for making it, umm, I uhhh, well, umm, I'd recommend buying Regis' book.

Regis must have a book, right? The man has everything. He probably has an encyclopedia.

Watching Alan Alda with Tony Danza right now. He seems like a nice guy.

A new study says that 6-10 percent of internet users are "destructively addicted." If that's the case you can just consider me your crack dealer. Whatdya need?

The Obelisk, which is a tall thin building in Buenos Aires, Argentina, was covered in a giant condom yesterday as part of World AIDS Day. If I were Chile, I'd make sure not to drop the soap anytime soon.

I'm noticiting several websites and columns lately that write things quasi-anonymously by always saying "we" instead of "I". We'll never do that here. That's our promise to you.

Actually, I find that incredibly annoying and cheap because it means that the author is afraid to put him/herself out there. I'm out there. Probably too far out there. I'm so far out there that I'm actually here.

First off, let me say that I'm fairly certain that those ten things have never been put in a list together. Secondly, what an honor it is for me, Dave Rubin, to finally make number 1 on my own top ten list. I've long trailed Kyra Phillips and Horse Vagina, but I've finally had my day. Interestingly Woody Paige, who made a huge jump last time I did a Top Ten dropped to 16th. What's up Woodrow?

In case you haven't figured it out, the man in the picture above is MSNBC's Dan Abrams. Apparently, I'm not the only one out there wondering what it is on his head. Unfortunately for him nobody seems to care what's in his head.

Take that cable news channel that nobody watches!

On a semi-sorta-kinda serious note, I want to thank all of you that keep coming back here to read this stuff. The hits have gone up every month this year with huge increases the last two months. I'm just trying to put funny/interesting stuff out there, and it's nice to see that it's spreading around.

Don't worry, that's it for the thank-you's. Except for a personal thank you to Starscream for never giving up his dream of being the leader of the Decepticons. You taught me never to give up my dreams either and I can never thank you enough for that. One day I know that I'll finally accomplish my dream of destroying the Autobots and ruling the world forever. It'll be in large part because of you, pal.

Hey, cut me some slask it's been months since a Transformers reference.

In other news, GWB gave a big speech about the war today. I'll tell ya, he's really getting better at this teleprompter thing. For a moment I thought he was reading off old fashioned cue-cards, that's how much he's improved.

CNN.com had a headline today that reads, "Will your BlackBerry be shut down?" I didn't even know I had a BlackBerry. I better make a call. Can I even make a call on a device I'm not sure I have? This is all very philosophic. I need answers ASAP. CNN.com, refresh your headlines for god's sake, I don't know what to do!

Monday, November 28, 2005

We'll get to Circuiy City in a moment, here's just a couple other things first...

This morning on Sportscenter, Stuart Scott previewed the Nets-Lakers game by saying, "How things almost got mad ugly on the court Sunday night." Stuart, you are a main reason I have to keep the remote control in my hand when I watch ESPN these days.

The CNN crawler this morning said something about how a star of MTV's "Laguna Beach" called off his engagement. This is why the terrorists hate us, folks.

A headline on Reuters news service today reads, "Study - Longer needles needed for fatter buttocks." Well I'll be damned.

Okay, now to Circuit City. I went there on Friday with the idea of making a purchase. That's usually why I go to stores and it was no different on this day. In I went to look at the electronic device, (I'd tell you which one more specifically but I can't have you knowing too much about me), only to find it for 850 dollars more expensive than the exact same model I had just seen at PC Richard's. Being the keen shopper I am I went up to a salesman and asked him about the Circuit City policy of matching prices and then giving you 10 percent of the difference.

Before I continue, let me mention that I am using the word "salesman" in the loosest sense of the word. He was no more than 23 or 24, had his shirt untucked and had incredibly bad breath. He also had body language which seemed to say, "I don't work on commission so don't make this difficult for me, okay?" Anyway, I asked him if he would match the price and do the 10 percent and he said that I needed to show it to him in writing. I told him that I didn't have it in writing but if he would call the store I'm sure they could verify it. He then told me that he knew that PC Richard didn't have it in stock. I asked him to call anyway since I had just been there and knew that they did have it, and he finally agreed to do so. Knowing he wouldn't be able to make the final decision on this matter what I asked to speak to a manager. He rolled his eyes and then told me that the manager was on his lunch break and that I should not disturb him. Being the crazy mo-fo that I am, I chose to disturb.

He sent me to customer service to have the manager paged. I stood there for a few minutes while the girl behind the counter stared at me while rudely talking to someone on the phone. Finally, she asked me what I wanted and I told her I wanted the manager paged. She too rolled her eyes, as if I was asking to have a sit down with Tony Soprano, but then did page him. I waited there another 10 minutes or so and then he showed up, with the "salesman" right behind him.

He told me that they called over to PC Richard and that they didn't have it in stock. I told him that I knew they did but I would gladly buy it at Circuit City if he would just match the price and give me the 10 percent of the difference just as their ads claim. Instead he said that he would knock off 400 bucks of their price. I found that pretty interesting since a moment ago he had claimed PC Richard didn't even have it. He had major attitude the whole time and when I told him that was still about 450 dollars more expensive he told me to go buy it at PC Richard.

So anyway, I'm sitting here watching my new electronic device from PC Richard. Oh, I shouldn't have said "watching" there, damnit, now you know. The people at PC Richard seemed knowledgable and friendly AND had the better price by 850 bucks. The people at Circuit City were all about attitude and seemingly couldn't care less whether I purchased something their or not. The first guy's bad breath and the manager's indifference just added to the whole thing.

So, while I'm not gonna send a letter to Circuit City, I'll just hope that a couple of you don't shop there this season and instead go to PC Richard or anywhere else after hearing about my experience. Crazy Eddie is hiding somewhere in Europe on tax evasion charges, but I'm sure he has a website.

The whole thing rings with a little irony when you hear the Circuit City slogan, "Just what I needed." In this case it was actually the complete reverse.

I'll be back with more jokes from the headlines tommorrow. Unless the Circuit City people put a contract out on me, which I wouldn't put past them, except they really are indifferent about their business so I'm not too worried.

Sunday, November 27, 2005

Pat Morita, better known as Mr. Miyagi, passed away this weekend. Karate Kid is one of the great movies of the 80's in part because of Miyagi's "Wax on, wax off" speech. Tell me you don't say that to yourself when you wax your '84 Camaro.

So long Mr. Miyagi. Daniel-san wasn't the only one you taught a thing or two too.

Just bought a fresh pineapple which I intend on eating right after this posting. Someone told me you can grill pineapple and serve is as a sidedish, does anyone know anything about that?

I had an incident at Circuit City on Friday that left my vowing to never go back there. Customer service is dying right in front of our eyes folks. I'll give a detailed description of the event tommorrow because I first need to rehash the whole thing in my brain before I write it out.

Thanksgiving was very pleasant. Family was well-behaved and in good-spirits. I know you shouldn't cover the turkey in a Prozac glaze, but you can't argue with the results.

Watched the movie "Flight of the Phoenix" yesterday. It's a very average "I don't want to get up from the couch on a Saturday" type of movie.

Hmm, I'd like to see that quote in a movie commercial instead of the standard bull that we are normally fed from critics and magazines and websites that we've never heard of. Not every movie is "Fascinating" and "Ground-Breaking." Some are just "Pandering" and "Helping YouPass The Time Until You Die."

Circuit City story coming tommorrow. If you must buy something electronic before then I know this crazy guy named Eddie who will gladly slash prices for you...

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

X-Box 360 is out as of today, which means I'm officially one generation behind the video game console market. I don't really feel like I'm from another generation but I know I am. Just yesterday I was about to sit on the couch and I pulled my pants up just a wee-bit from right above the knees. Once you do that you are officially no longer the current generation. That and having an old-video game system are pretty much the two big signs of aging.

Ted Koppel is leaving "Nightline" after 25 years of anchoring the program. Don't worry if you're a die-hard fan of Koppel, his toupee will continue to host the show until a suitable replacement has been found.

Yes, that was hacky, but I got to it before the late-night talk shows. Take that people that make way more money than I do!

On Foxnews.com they have a headline under "The O'Reilly Factor" that says, "Do we need to protect Chistmas?" Hmm. Good question. I'd say just put a force field around it and let see what happens.

My mom keeps calling me to tell me to get a flu shot. I suppose that's what you get when you admit to your mom that you sleep with chickens, ducks, and various other birds.

Getting ready for Thanksgiving. I've begun the medication and drinking, now I just need the Turkey and the other medications.

I'm considering an early posting tommorrow, like the good old days of just a few weeks ago. Yea, you see, in my generation we got up early and posted to our blogs, not like the kids these days with their all night partying and their myspace's and friendstereses.

Now you'll have to excuse me I'm gonna have my Metamucil and hit the sack.

Monday, November 21, 2005

The world's largest aquarium opened today in Atlanta, Georgia. Wouldn't it be funny to have a movie where Jim Carrey inherits an aquarium and all sorts of crazy hijinks ensue?

Oh wait, that was the movie that Albert Brooks' character was writing in the movie "The Muse."

And that's the first time anyone has ever mentioned that movie in a blog. Though it is a fine movie, it isn't his best work. If you want to see a better Albert Brooks movie I'd recommend "Mother" or "Defending Your Life."

Feeling really inspired the last couple days but still unsure of how to focus the energy. Anyone have a Inspired Energy Focuser I can borrow?

Oprah is gonna do Letterman after years of him begging. Just goes to show that persistence works. Well, persistence and the need of the other person to promote their upcoming Broadway show.

I'm very half-assedly watching "Medium" on NBC in 3-D. Maybe it's cuz I don't have 3-D glasses, but this sucks.

Hmm, half-asses, 3-D glasses and sucking, that gives me an idea. I gotta call the people in research and development...

Friday, November 18, 2005

First off, thanks to everyone who came to the show at Stand Up NY last night. The show was completely sold-out and pretty damn good, if I do say so myself. It's also nice actually hearing your laughs instead of getting e-mails about them.

The highlight of the show was probably when I said to a white-haired woman sitting in the front row, "Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for Bea Arthur!" The crowd first laughed, then felt weird because she clearly was offended by the comment. Little does she know how often I find a way of writing about Bea here in The Daily Dave. You just can't pay a woman a compliment anymore, I guess.

That situation was coupled with the fact I had already gotten into it with a jack-ass in the front row who refused to face the stage. He also wouldn't remove his feet from the stage, which made for a very odd situation. The whole thing was real and funny and crazy, just the way I like it. In a moment of passion a man even threw a lemon at me, though he missed badly. I got all kinds of interesting compliments after the show, my favorite being from a girl who came up to me and said, "I'm so sorry about what happened, you were was hilarious!"

It'll never cease to amaze me how people think that anything a comedian does serves any other purpose than to be funny. I guess that's the smoke and mirrors part of the whole thing, and I probably shouldn't have just said it aloud. Forget I even mentioned it. Here, look into this light for a second while I put on my dark black sunglasses...

(FLASH!)

Today is the one year anniversary of the big NBA brawl. The NBA is commemorating the event at halftime of tonight's Pacers-Pistons game by having Ben Wallace and Ron Artest square-off in a steel cage match.

CNN.com has a headline that reads, "Did South Park go too far in mocking Tom Cruise?" I don't know what they did, but the anwer is a definitive "No."

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

As I mentioned here the other day, Regis is going to host a new version of "This is Your Life." Then today, the original host of the series, Ralph Edwards dropped dead. Coincidence? I think not.

Regis knew he could never get out of Ralph Edwards' shadow and hatched this plot many years ago. He waited until Ralph was 92 so that it would look like he died of old age. My source, you ask? The one and only Bob Woodward. He's got his finger in everything.

I was waiting to do the same to Regis so that I could take over one of his 15 shows, but it turns out that he's already 103 years old and I missed my chance 11 years ago. He's againg incredible well, how was I supposed to know he was that old?

Michael Jackson got caught walking into a woman's restroom in Bahrain earlier this week. He claimed that it was a simple mistake because he doesn't speak Arabic. It turns out that he thought the sign said, "Horrifically Misfigured Former Pop Stars Who Like to Lick Children's Heads."

Understandable mistake.

Lisa Loeb will be looking for a boyfriend in her new reality series on the E! Channel. I gotta shine my thick-rimmed glasses!

Something about Google is starting to seem evil to me in a Microsoft kinda way, anyone agree?

Gotta run, I just remembered that I don't even have thick-rimmed glasses in the first place. Without them I have no chance to get with Lisa, nor to get on VH1.

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Earlier today, the Republican controlled Senate blocked the Democrats effort to force President Bush to outline a timetable for the withdrawl of Iraq. Whether you're for or against the war how can you argue that having a timetable is a bad idea? Are we really just winging this whole thing? The war is becoming like a friend from out of town who doesn't get off your couch. And of top of that, he is also stealing heating oil from your basement.

According to Channel 9 News in Florida, "Cool mom" Silvia Johnson threw parties and had sex with two of her teenage sons friends. Are the quotes really necessary there? We get it, she's cool. Really, really cool.

On Foxnews.com they call her "Sex mom". Either way it's win-win for the kids, I just find it interesting as an editorial sidenote.

Speaking of Foxnews, I fell asleep the other night while watching it. I had a nightmare that a gay couple had an abortion while burning the American flag.

Bill O'Rielly and Greta Van Susteren were the gay couple.

Yea, they are a man and a woman, it was a dream, I can't really explain it.

Nor can I explain how Bill O'Rielly was giving birth.

I had lunch at Ranch 1 today. Best Chicken Sandwich on Earth my ass.

I'm gonna end with that for now. For now on may you think of my ass when you think of Ranch 1.

It gives a new meaning to a woman wearing a strap-on, doesn't it? Hey, if nothing else she now has a great video for internet dating since she is single again.

Jev Bush said he might run for president, just not in 2008. Can we make a lay barring more Bush in the White House? Didn't we leave England because it had a ruling family? If I have to get on a boat and look for the new world I'm not gonna be happy.

Actually, why the hell not, what would I be missing here?

Andrew Tavani got an interivew with Ralph Nader over the weekend. I'm interviewing cartoon characters and he's getting actual people, that's the difference between us. Check it out at www.andrewtavani.blogspot.com.

Okay, running out for a moment, but I will return later. I just wanted to get something up early today since I've been posting in the later afternoon recently. No thanks necessary, it is implied in our unspoken relationship.

Saturday, November 12, 2005

Heading to a wedding today. My family will be there as well as many of my friends. World's are colliding!

Saw Derailed with Jennifer Anniston last night. Pretty good flick. The moron couple behind me brought their four year old son who kicked my seat constantly and didn't shut up the entire time. I got this close to derailing his graduation to kindergarten, but calmer heads prevailed.

Hmm, I wonder if anyone in my family is gonna ask when I'm getting married. Hmm, hmm...

Thursday, November 10, 2005

Yea, this flyer is a little too small, but seeing as I still haven't been able to upload the last podcast I'll take what I can get at the moment.

I rarely, if ever, use The Daily Dave to promote anything, but next Thursday, November 17th, I'm doing a comedy show that will be worthy of having you come to. Yes, you, I'm talking directly to you.

The show will be with myself and four or five of my favorite comics that I've been working since the beginning. We're doing the gig as a little showcase to friends and family since there are so few shows that are worth telling people to actually come to. Here's the details...

Stand Up NY7:00 pmThursday, November 17th212.595.0850

Make sure you call for reservations for the 7 pm show.

I promise this'll be a good one. Drop me an e-mail and let me know you're coming and maybe I'll even say hello!

Gonna work on the podcast again, I'll check in with the funny later...

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

That's an Apple 2c, which was the first computer in the Rubin household. As I've spent the last four hours trying to upload the new podcast it dawned on me that I could've been using one of these and I would've had as much success.

For some reason I just can't get the file to upload to the Rubinville server. I'm currently working with the webmaster and hopefully it'll be up by the time you read this. There is also a chance that I'll give up and chuck my computer out the window. If you're on the Upper West Side around 3 a.m. tonight you might want to keep your head up in case of a flying laptop.

On another note, can someone please tell network executives that we don't want to visit websites to see deleted scenes from shows we just watched? Most likely the show isn't that good in the first place, and if these scene got deleted, well, do I even have to finish this sentence?

(If you'd like to see the unedited version of that paragraph tune-in to next week's episode.)

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

Bumped into Richard Jefferson while walking down 7th Avenue this afternoon. He was enjoying a Jamba Juice quite thoughroughly so we only spoke for about 15 seconds. I told him the Nets were robbed last night, and not surprisingly he agreed. Unlike several other athletes that I've met, he was friendly and happy to stop and chat. The guy is a class act and a great player.

I, on the other hand, am a partial-class act and a decent player. That difference is reflected in the disparity in our yearly incomes.

Bloomberg and Corzine are have both won their respective elections. That means that it's time for me to start working on a 2006 campaign. I wonder if Warren Beaty is ready to start the California recall process yet.

I clipped my nails this morning and then ended up having to lift a bunch of boxes throughout the day. Now all ten of my fingers have that sore feeling right beneath the nail. Is there any worse feeling than that?

Busted out an old pairs of jeans today that had mistakenly fallen out of the regular rotation. Now I'm up to a 3 pair rotation. Sometimes they get back-to-back usage, but I try not to promote that too much.

Damn butterfly ballot, I got a nasty papercut just before I accidentely voted for Hitler.

Yea, I just voted. If you're reading this and you didn't vote yet get out there and do it. It'll make you think you are part of the political process, although in truth all you are doing is opening and closing a heavy curtain.

I've been lifting a lot of crap today so I'll write more later, my fingers need some rest.

Monday, November 07, 2005

Election day is tommorrow, folks. I know that most of you won't vote, I mean this is America, not Iraq, but still, I'd like to endorse a couple candidates...

Mike Bloomberg for Mayor of NYC. Yea, he's nerdy. Yea, he's rich. But the city is safe, clean and he even rides the subway sometimes. Anyone who can deal with the smell of the 59th and Lexington stop smell is worth voting for.

Jon Corzine for Governor of New Jersey. Yea, he's rich too, and he never shaved the beard like I recommended, but he did heed my call to put some positive ads out there. Also, I saw a picture of Doug Forrester standing next to President Bush, so we can only assume he is a villian.

For anyone who thinks that my endorsements were purchased by these billionaires I can only say that there is no proof of that. It's a complete coincidence that Bea Arthur has decided to do her show in my living room for me and a couple of my closest friends.

Somehow that seemed dirtier than it was intended.

Terrell Owens has finally been suspended by the Eagles for mouthing off too much. They really took way too long on this one. The only group more tolerant of a insubordinate like Owens are the Looney Tunes, who not once ever suspended Daffy Duck despite his constant undermining of everything Bugs Bunny did.

Yea, that Chuck Jones sure let the inmates run the asylum.

Do I mean Chuck Jones? He invented Bugs Bunny, right? And who is Friz Freiling? That name is popping into my head for some reason.

Wait, Chuck Jones invented the basketball sneaker, didn't he?

No, that's Chuck Taylor. And I'm not sure he invented them. Maybe I'm talking about Rip Taylor. Hmm, no, that's the confetti guy. Wait, did I mean Taylor Dane? No, I don't think so, she sang one good song in 1989. Maybe I was talking about a Great Dane. Yea, that sounds right.

This is what happens when I do a posting at night after eating ice cream.

Howard Stern got suspended for a day for promoting Sirius radio while he is still broadcasting from the planet Earth. I rarely am awake early enough to listen to Stern, but when I do he is usually doing really good stuff. Dare I say I'm going to buy a Sirius radio the day after he gets on there.

I don't want to buy it on the first day because I have a feeling that the government might somehow blow-up the satellite and then claim that it was an asteroid, but if that doesn't happen on the first day you can count me in.

I've been on quite a run with predications lately, so keep that one in mind. It came to me while drunk and playing Asteroids at the arcade.

That's it for now. Vote tommorrow. If you don't, we'll eventually become a dictatorship and then have to invade ourselves.

Sunday, November 06, 2005

Actually, I'm posting that picture because I've been working on a new project and I keep saying, "We need to do something more Naked Gun style." Then, tonight on Family Guy they opened with a hilarious Naked Gun style opening. The whole episode was brilliant and it even included a cameo from Cobra Commander. To top it all off, there was a Playstation 2 commercial featuring the theme song to The Golden Girls.

Hmm, could the world be catching up with me? Suddenly, I am afraid. Very afraid.

Speaking of the Golden Girls, Bea Arthur is doing a one-night only performance of her show "Just Between Friends" on November 21st, just a few blocks away from my apartment. For 500 bucks you get to meet her after the show. Anyone wanna buy me a ticket?

Phil Collins says he is open to a Genesis reunion. Who would wany Genesis anymore? With the high-powered processers of X-Box 360 and PS3 coming out, I don't see a real market for a 16-bit system.

At a 42nd Street movie theatre this weekend parents and kids alike were shocked during "Chicken Little" when instead of seeing the movie, they saw a scene from a foreign film with a young boy hanging himself. Scary yes, but didn't the whole sky fall in Chicken Little? Umm, excuse me, but I think that's just a little bit worse.

Friday, November 04, 2005

Remember this lady who was always trying to sleep with Foghorn Leghorn? Nothing personal to her, but I made chicken for dinner tonight.

I make a really good chicken cutlet. Hmm, I wonder if Martha Stewart would be interested in cooking it with me sometime. If she isn't I will have no choice but to give the recipe to Slugworth.

One committment I'd like to make to you here at The Daily Dave that I will never write about Britney Spears' husband. I didn't even mention his name in that sentence to prove that very point.

Did I punctuate Spears' correctly there? I never know how to do that when the person ends there name with an "S". It's like when Homer says "The Flandereseses."

Does anyone know what team Latrell Sprewell is on? I'm curious, but I don't care enough to check NBA.com.

Porn is the new big thing for the video iPod. Unfortunately, the small screen size makes all porn look like midget-porn. Even worse than that is if you watch genuine midget porn on the video iPod it looks like Umpa-Loompa's getting it on.

Two "Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory" references in one post. Amazing!

Yes, I called it "Willy Wonka", not "Charlie". If you're curious why, go back to my posting a few months ago about Gene Wilder. If you're not interested, check it out anyway, it's always good to find new interests.

I'm sure Apple will find a way to capitalize on this whole porn thing, perhaps by coming out with a new iPod designed specifically for the midget porn afficionado.

Speaking of midget porn, I have to be somewhere in 15 minutes. Take care.

The Summit of the Americas in Argentina is quickly turning into The Summit of Burning as Much as Stuff as Possible. Most of the anger is directed at President Bush because of America's foreign policy. When he heard about the rioting Bush announced that America will push back our timeline to attack Iran and Syria. So far, it hasn't quelled the violence.

I apologize for the random and late postings this past week. I've been busy and on top of that my FTP was all wacked out.

I've said it once and I'll say it again, FTP is mad wack.

Aaron Brown has gotten the boot from CNN. There was something about him that I actually like, which probably explains why they took him off the air.

Record numbers of hits have been registered each day here for the past 6 days. Looks like my comedy is spreading like a riot in Argentina...or Paris...or Baghdad. Pick a burning city, any burning city.

It's barely 5 in the afternoon and it's almost completely dark outside. Who sets up the daylight savings time schedule, vampires?

Okay, I'm starving but I promise to check in later today. The only thing that will stop me is a mad wack FTP or a nasty vampire bite.

Thursday, November 03, 2005

Pics aren't loading at the moment. You know my feelings about that but I'm gonna try nonetheless...

Earlier today, the Senate announced that it passed a budget bill that cuts 36 billion dollars in spending. Two hours later they announced 56 billion dollars in new spending.

Does anyone believe anything that any politician says about anything, much less money? I really think they just make up ridiculous numbers for everything just to see how far they can go before we revolt. 36 billion cut...72 billion for the war...28 billion for hurricane reconstruction. Those money printing machines in Washington must be running out of toner.

Ironically, they cut 2 billion dollars in toner. Go figure.

The big pet this year, according to today's NY Post is the puggle, which is a cross between a beagle and a pug. Next year I'm guessing the hot pet will be a hamrot, which will be a cross between a hamster and a parrot. I predict that people will go so crazy trying to get hamrots that some people will just buy a rotting ham and tell people that they have an authentic one.

I just can't do this without the pic, I'm sorry. I'll try again at approximately 10 pm eastern standard time. Either that or 7 pm pacific time, whichever comes first.

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

It just took about 15 do-overs to get the picture above to load. I haven't called a "do-over" since 4th grade kickball when Jon kicked the red ball into the swings and claimed that it was a homerun. We all knew that a homerun was only if it went over the swings, not into the swings, but Jon remained obstinate. Ultimately, we called it a do-over and Jon instead kicked the ball over the fence into old-man McGilliguty's yard. It hit old-man McGilliguty's wife in the head while she was going down on old-man McGillicuty and she died of a severe throat puncture.

So that's why I haven't called a do-over in so long. It's also why I haven't played kickball in so long. I don't think it has anything to do with why I wasn't invited to old-man McGillicuty's daughters wedding, however. That was because of a stickball game gone awry in 6th grade.

Anyhoo, the picture above is "Apparition of Face and Fruit Dish on a Beach" by Salvadore Dali. I spent four years of college smoking pot while staring at that picture. Interestingly, that is the very same picture that old-man McGulliguty had in his basement. His wife had hung it there for him the day before his penis penetrated through the walls of her lungs.

Where am I going with all this, you ask?

The answer is that I had nothing specific to write about tonight so I thought I'd just post a picture that I like and then see what happens. Everything you've read so far is the result of that simple choice.

Ah, simple choices. Old-Man McGillicuty's wife was a woman of simple choices. As a matter of fact she had just decided to stay home and service her husband instead of going to exchange some shoes at Macy's when the kickball hit her in the head. Life is strange, isn't it?

In other news, Muslim youths are on their 7th day of rampaging through the Paris suburbs. That reminds me of the time when old-man McGillicuty took his wife to Paris and they made love in the Leaning Tower of Pisa.

It turned out that they were in fact in Italy, not Paris, but old-man McGillicuty knew his wife would never know the difference. The woman had no sense of direction.