Spoof news stories from Saturday 24 March 2012

DENVER - After Denver Broncos Vice-President John Elway signed former Indianapolis Colts quarterback Peyton Manning to a 5-year, $96 million contract, many sports writers, reporters, and fans remarked that Elway was a much better passer than he is a...

London - The Tory Party co-treasurer and Prince's Truss 'Enterprise Fellow' has been outed in a prime monsterial arse-pimping scam.
A weekend broadsheet videoed Peter Crud-Arse saying a £250,000 donation would get you intimate side-saddle time wit...

This is ANFIELD, Liverpool: Animal rights investigators have instigated an investigation in the Anfield area of Liverpool, after reports that 11 donkeys and their old Scottish handler were forceably fed humble pie for over 90 minutes, on Saturday 24...

A dangerously ugly strain of graffiti is threatening to sweep major cities in the North.
It is believed to have been brought back by British tourists returning from the Spanish Costas, where it has been rife in recent years.
In the last week, t...

NINFIELD, EAST SUSSEX (ABSNN) - Little Bo Peep, the unfortunate stewardess of sheep in this small East Sussex enclave did not lose her sheep, not according to the Lord High Sheriff of Ninfield. "She killed them, everyone," claimed the arrest warrant...

The story so far:
It's still quite dull really. It's just a load of old toss about a bunch of upper crust kids who drink a lot and do drugs occasionally. It seems at this point that it has no idea where it's going, much less what it wants to be. All that's really happened so far is that The Spiffing Six - of whom there are only four (five if you include the priapic dog, Stiffy, who we hardly ev...

WASHINGTON, DC (ABSNN) - President Barack Obama broke his silence today regarding his religious, "Born Again" conversion on April 25, 2010 at the hands of the Reverend Dr. Billy Graham. Dr. Graham has been the unofficial Christian counselor to t...

Melvin is driving over to eat a plate of tacos after smoking some joints out in the middle of his wife's garden when he sees Ralph running around his Cement Garden Ornaments with his pants down and screaming like a banshee until he slams into a concrete item that looks like a big bee, knocking himself flat on the ground.
"What's the matter, Ralph? If there was anything chasing you, I can't see...

Partly to give him something to do and partly to keep him out of trouble, losing votes for President's re-election campaign in the South, former President Jimmy Carter of Plains, Georgia has been named 'Director of US Homeland Carpentry!'
"I promi...

Forget the 13 and 14-pounders, this lady should be awarded a medal of some kind as she gave birth to (according to scales and witnesses) a sixteen pound baby boy.
Through an interpreter the lady, Chaska Lemila, told a reporter from Reuters News th...

The human brain has the ability to make even the most boring stories vivid and entertaining, a leading brain scientist claims.
This is because the brain's 'inner voice' can talk over even the most tedious speaker, according to Professor Jens Convo...

Local man, Martin Shuttlecock was left gobsmacked at the factory where he works this week as a work colleague produced a packet of 'Jacket Potato' flavoured crisps at breaktime.
The man, who we shall call Matt for the purposes of journalistic lice...

A small town (Population 1200) in Arkansas, which doesn't want to reveal it's name or location, has been forced to go nude for the past two weeks, reports a passer-through.
"It's really pitiful to see them try to go about their normal business unc...

10. Beeper in helmet that tells me defensive guy close behind me
9. Instead of a solid gold chain around his neck, he demanded a gold bolt through his neck.
8. Hold off all Tickle-Thons in the locker room, after a victory, until I leave.
7. No more towel-snapping in the locker room. Somebody's going to lose an eye!
6. No more "If that had been Eli" comments.
5. Center must...

Extracts from a selection of story outlines that came frighteningly close to becoming Hollywood movies...
Edmund turned the key in the ignition and the tired old Toyota coughed into life. "Bloody wreck!" He silently swore.
"Please just get me to Leicester. Please.
"All right… never mind," he calmed himself. "We'll stick it to those bastard Yorkists at Bosworth, I get in good with Henry, t...

It seems that an engagement is on the horizon for British ballerina and model Nelissa Nelson who rose to fame playing Princess Odette in the widely successful Swan Lake.
The 23 year old young star has been dating Australian actor Liam Hemsworth o...

Among the profitable moves made by monomaniac Peyton Manning was to usurp the retired number of Denver Bronco great Frank Tripucka upon signing with his new team. The long-retired Bronco didn't have much choice, and a new generation of disrespect cam...

Some enterprising pub landlords have, since the smoking ban, been employing smokers to stand outside their pub.
"It's a good second income," said Sue Perkins, who has been standing outside the Red Lion in Stockport for the past two years. "You get...

Reports that an eight year old Indonesian boy has quit school, because it interferes with his ability to smoke 40 cigarettes a day, have caused global disgust and outrage, or at the very least upset a few Daily Mail readers.
The boy's mother funds...

College is much better than real life. If I could pass on any advice, it would be to never graduate…. Stay in school FOREVER. In the spirit of making my life more difficult than necessary, I entered the work force before my official due date. I wish (as in I am begging you dear seniors) you would only do the opposite.
With that being said, I have one piece of advice for you. Fail a final, loos...

VENICE BEACH - One of the stars of The Hunger Games, Liam Hemsworth was spotted having a plate of Crab Rangoon at a Fiery Tongue of The Dragon Chinese Restaurant in Venice Beach.
Hemsworth who has been dating Miley Cyrus for quite sometime spoke w...

The entire Republican presidential race took an unexpected turn when Newt Gingrich got hold of Mitt Romney's etch a sketch and shook the crap out of it. The incident occurred at a Houma, Louisiana gumbo bar called Mumbo Dumbo's Gumbo where both cand...

11:33pm - 14th April 1912 - RMS Titanic...
Latest News off the wires is that a furious row has just taken place in the wheelhouse of the White Star Line's RMS Titanic, currently approaching New York City from the north east, on her maiden voyage and possible blue ribbon winning trip, somewhere off Newfoundland.
Skoob News's man on the scene, Gilbert Shuttlecock reported that a warning had be...

Nevada farmworker Gus Rismore has paid the ultimate tribute to his parents on the occasion of their 50th wedding anniversary - by eating them live on the internet.
The 460 pound fat bastard, who owns the world motorcycle-eating record, invited tho...

Washington DC: President Obama has issued an Executive Order that the USA will become homogeneous by 2020 (next census). This new order does not exclude homosexuals (Gays and Lesbians) or transgender persons.
President Obama was reading the 2010 C...

DENVER--Ever since the sports world was rocked by the signing of superstar Peyton Manning by the Broncos a few days ago, Denver fans across the country were left to wonder just how they were expected to handle such shocking news.
"I suppose we sho...