Leave Me Alone?

This is a frequent and plaintive cry from those who have been caught in my web. There are those that never realise what they have become involved in when they are targeted by my kind. They never leave and we never leave you alone. You are always there and available for us to extract some fuel from. We of course discard you but it is never a true parting of the ways. We only cast you aside in order to bring you back again. We do not really want to get rid of you. It is purely a device to ensure that we put you through the ringer again and extract some extra droplets of fuel from your battered and withered self. If you make no attempt to leave we will attach that metaphoric piece of elastic and bounce you back and forth. How long will that pushing and pulling go on for? Until you die. You will always serve some function to me. You will hang around and be used and abused until either you expire or I do and I never contemplate the latter for long.

What if you try to escape me? Well, the lesser narcissist also known as the oxymoronic benign narcissist will try to rope you back in but if you demonstrate sufficient resolve he or she will seek out a far easier target. The reality is there are so many people walking around oozing empathy, that they may as well have a target painted on their backs. We always find fresh fuel and without too much effort. Sometimes I do think that we attract you without having to anything. I know how we are able to sniff you lovely empaths out, but I have started to wonder whether the super empaths that exist have some function for finding us. Their desire to fix and repair enabling them to home in our broken and warped ways and inadvertently they are drawn into our sights. The lesser narcissist will try to hook you back in, but eventually he or she will leave you alone. It may take a few months but you can avoid their clutches. Beware however, should you fly too close in the future we will shoot out a tendril and ensnare you again. Do not make the mistake of thinking that we ever forget how useful you are to us. We do not forget and should you attend an event where we are or decide out of some misguided sympathy to send a text asking how we are, we will come straight back after you.

That is the approach of the lesser narcissist but what of my breed, the greater narcissist. Will we ever leave you alone?

Initially I was frightened by his contact and threats. His affair partner defame me on social media.

There was almost a ‘respect’ in having that fear.

At this point I actually find the constant attempts to assert dominance to be pathetic and immature. Like a bonobo chimp that thumps his chest and postures without actually having actual mating appeal to back it up.

I think that my empathy has been transformed, I think that for him to have any chance of evolving as a person that I need to not enable him: because I believe this with my whole heart my empathetic ‘power’ is being channeled into healthy boundaries and ignoring/denying him.

I think he is being driven to distraction by this on some level.

The more he stomps his feet the stronger my boundaries are getting. It’s odd, I’ve detached. Perhaps his diagnosed Borderline GF isn’t giving him what he needs anymore: they seem to want to triangulate me to keep their relationship stable.

A female Bonobo is dominating in the community. This must be why he can’t back it up. Great Apes. Yep. this is my thing, my passion. There is only one place to find wild Bonobos, The Congo. I want to go but it is too dangerous at this time. I donate every month to chimps.
Bonobos are sweet and more loving Chimps. Isn’t it amazing that they are 98.7% the same as our DNA? Closest relatives to us.
Have you ever held a young chimp? They behave just like a human child.

Should be a “than” in there. Bonobos are more loving than Chimps. The chimps have the war/violent side of us and the Bonobos have the gentler/loving side of us. Males dominate in the chimp community and females in the Bonobo community. So there you have it. violent/male/chimp
gentle/female/bonobo
Lesson for the day.

So thrilled! I just secured a spot at a private dinner of 25 people with Richard Dawkins (educational charity). A brilliant mind in my opinion.

I think mine has finally left me alone!!
It’s been 2 months.
I know he’s with somebody new (multiple more than likely) and is doing the same to her but I think he is finally done with getting his fix from me.

2 months lol. Don’t you believe it. Two years post divorce and I still get the odd note left under the windscreen wipers of my car, or the occasional text message even though I had long forgotten and deleted his phone number. It took me 12 years to escape his clutches, I pity him, and anyone involved with someone with NPD

He has not bothered me. I did get a blocked number call and I answered and you could tell they scrambled to hang up. Could it be him?
Should I care? I can never have an intimate relationship with him so he is no good to me.

“I will never let you go.” I remember him saying it like it was yesterday. Creeped me out with just enough plausible deniability. Did he mean this or did he mean that? Confusion…hallmark of last 51 weeks of my life. That ended last night. Day #1 NO CONTACT.

Tell that little birdie….
….good luck finding me. My walls are impenetrable. I learned from the best.
….. I know more than I ever say. And you know less than you could even imagine. I
could make you hate me.
….fuck off.

Do u have an approximate time period with ur girlfriends HG until u start to devalue them? Iv noticed my Narcs golden period lasts about 2 to 3 months with each of his targets untill the mask starts slipping and then the shit starts to hit the fan.

Hi Jules, no it varies from appliance to appliance. Some have been a few months, others beyond a year and even longer. How do you know the situation is like that with your narc? I’m interested to know.

Hes been in my life for over a decade so i soon learnt to keep all records of conversations and diarised dates of happy times to silent treatments, devalue periods etc. He wud always hoover me back. On the occasions my ST lasted 2 to 3 months i always found out after that there had been someone else on the scene. I calculated everything and realized he always hoovered me back when her golden period was over and hed began devaluing her. Its funny how i always found out about them but they never found out about me. He never triangulated me to them. Perhaps because im married to someone else.
Being with him was exhausting for me as i spent my days doing alot of calculations, math work, and keeping notes of times, dates etc. sounds bizaar but over the years iv also noticed certain months of the year just repeated itself. So now im convinced the sun, moon and stars also play a part in it all 😂

That is very interesting Jules, what prompted you to decide to keep a record of the behaviour? Was it to try to understand or did it start out as a method of record keeping so that you could later have evidence to point to for the purposes of showing him how he had behaved?

Hello Jules…the Sun and moon and stars all play a role because they are all part of existence. You are part of existence as well and therefore part of that which they consist of…you commented that over the years certain months of the year just repeated itself. There are certain times of the year that can be more problematic for the N. It is known that they can be a holiday or occasion buzz kill. Some have a real difficulty with Christmas, their parents B-Day, siblings b-days, friends birthdays and yours too. They are apt to use these dates to either impress you at first then hurt you and others with later.
Anything that does not celebrate them personally means you and the others over time will get varying degrees of false praise and gifts and hope and or sabotage during these times of what should be a celebration. Before and during the golden period with you, they are used to doing and being a certain way toward their family’s and their events. They start to bring you into the fold with them and family and all their important dates and it is still all business as usual but with an unexpected twist for later. You will remind them of dates. help them get things ready, get the cards and contribute to gifts etc etc.
Usually we are not aware that they hold such contempt for these events and people.and celebrations that aren’t for them. We get involved with these events through them and learn the ways they approach all this to begin with. Then you start contributing too to these events and the dynamic changes for them and you because you are involved and you are trying to help them with more. They will eventually start to change and expect to be reliant on you to be their brain (they know what to do and when, but now have another way to hurt everyone so they don’t have to perform when they don’t want to), which in turn will make you look responsible and not them, which means they will deprive you and the others of this new relationship and blame you, then be happy because they did not have to give into their family’s ways on those specific days and can make you feel bad at the same time.
that way they get two people or more disappointed or upset.

This gives them another way out of having to perform sometimes for other people which is what they want unless it will get them something they need, then they don’t usually sabotage and will do a lot more than expected depending on what the stand to gain or do very little (the bare minimum knowing they will be still given what they need).
The worse time of year for me and my spouse after we married, started in September with my fathers birthday, then, our anniversary. A brothers b-day in Oct, then his starting Nov. which he was usually ok by then for, (go figure, I threw him a big bash every year), then followed by my parents anniversary, his mothers b-day. then December which again equaled the same with his Brother, then Father, then brother, then Christmas, then in January his parents anniversary, then it would settle down again (somewhat) for a 6 month period till my birthday. month. All these family occasions to him, were mostly only constant reminders of all the dates and people he would rather not see or experience the all too familiar with before I came along…so he had issues with these people and dates for varying degrees,hence the methods of varying degrees.

EBS,
This is right on! My DN is very big on birthdays,special dates, and holidays. Thinking over all of the years he has strategically used special dates to either hurt me or lure me back in. My birthday is coming up and I’m terrified at what he is planning…good or bad. ..every year! This year however…Im armed👍👍👍👍

I haven’t heard from him in 5 days. Fine with me…. If he does I was thinking restraining order. He has a lot to lose. Personally I think he has a new source but not my problem anymore. When I am done it’s permanent. No more contact

Thank you HG I believe this is the post I asked for. There is still no line in the sand as to the discard. I will assume it is the 2-6 week silent treatment even though since last year it’s completely silent. He will give short answers to direct questions and resume sulking. Am I correct in this? As there is no golden period any more. Just a month or so of normalcy. I’ll detail that more.

So from what I’ve read on Cycle of Abuse we are in a 3 month cycle. Starts with normal(I’m learning my definition of normal truly is NOT normal) no yelling, being civil and sometimes jokingly with each other but I’m being belittled and insulted the entire time which I try to ignore, this will last about 6 weeks then there is a either a rage on his part for something trivial or I’ve had it an ask him why he does something (the most recent was he had hurt my feelings and I told him that. Now he’s mad at me and giving me the silent treatment he did not apologize of course). The combination silent treatment/ sulking will go on for average of 3 weeks but longest has been 6 weeks. With some rages thrown I when something sets him off ( kids leaving socks on the couch or We ran out of his soda/cereal anything). I have started ignoring him and carrying on as I read with children it is best to keep the schedule as normal as possible. Then I am past my breaking point and it is driving me nuts. Of course my self esteem is in the toilet. I beg him to stop and he denies it saying that he answers me when I ask him something. Last part is nightly fights where he accuses me of cheating or some completely off the wall thing (he says he knows how and what I’m thinking) I refuse to apologize for something I didn’t do, until it’s gone on too long for me and I end up apologizing to him for whatever he thinks he’s mad about and then it starts again.

Question HG – So is he a N? I mean he has 6 of the 9 traits 2 are in his head and I have no way of knowing. Does knowing what I’m thinking count as a superpower? That would take him to 7/9. He was Dx with IED but that implies he has remorse. Therapist was only a 2 hr session and it was mandatory he went. Never been since.

Hello Exhausted, the month or so of normality is a respite period. Yes the behaviours that you have described make him a narcissist. He manages to keep his fury under control for a period of time but there are intermittent devaluations when he belittles you. This is like jabbing you with the tip of a dagger, letting you know he has the dagger (he is the one in control) and he could at any moment slide it between your ribs. The rage that occurs is his ignited fury as a consequence of a perceived criticism on his part. He follow this heated fury with a period of cold fury through his silent treatment. Your begging him to stop both fuels him. He also uses the opportunity to exert control through projection and blame-shifting (accusing you of having affairs). The behaviours are evident in terms of what he is. Now that you know, the question becomes what you intend to do?

Truthfully I was hoping he was an epic A**hole, then there I could have hope of him changing. But I suspected he was one or I wouldn’t be on your blog 😞. What am I going to do about it? Beat myself over the head for wasting 15 years of my life. Then when I’m over my pity party go numb and neutral while I plan my escape.

Now my biggest fear is the leaving. Not so much the uncertainty but more of what I am certain of, he will make my life worse if I leave. I know this from previous times I’ve tried to leave he will stalk me, threaten me, threaten suicide (he did this very recently) try to use my kids against me, and drag out the divorce forever or until all the money is gone. And those are the least of my worries his rages are terrifying and he has guns. Hence why I ask how to make him to leave me. So my next steps need to be carefully planned and without his knowledge as you’ve suggested. It won’t be quick, I know that.

Exhausted, the massive advantage that you have is that you are aware of what you are dealing with. Many people do not know. You are also in a position to avail yourself of our perspective so you not only know what is going to happen but why and thus you can plan to counter those steps. You are able to plan, you have access to resources to assist you in doing this and because you are able to plan you will be the one exerting control during the difficult period which lies ahead. You have the measure of things and that is never to be underestimated.

HG you are correct, always 😊. Most of the people on here didn’t know what hit them until afterwards. I plan to stick around and learn everything I can to anticipate and counter his manipulations. I know the crazy making won’t stop but I can lessen the effects. Thank you so much for validating my concern and providing the priceless information of how you think. I will use it to build my arsenal for the upcoming war I will be waging. 😈

I believe mine to be the lesser. Oh did I just say mine! He isn’t mine and I’m NOT HIS! He blew that. Tosser! An thank fuck to hear that he will leave me alone . He knows any attempt to hoover me would fail. So he might aswell save his ENERGY . He’s had all the fuel he’s ever getting from me. The last lot he got from me must of well an truly filled his Tank that much that he still isn’t running low after 3 months!

Yes, I agree that super empaths do find you. Their aim is to nurture that beast within. Yet, the beast is too far gone to reach and like any rabid animal, it bites the hand that feeds it.
I just finished reading Fuel. Beautiful and poetic. Your words evoke such imagery: “Inside us there is a single flame that is always burning… the flame becomes a fire, which becomes a furnace…the furnace becomes a conflagration and then an inferno”.

HG, curious as to what made you chose that image of a young girl in the spotlight? Reminds me of my daughter when I saw it. I hope she never suffers at the hands or deceptions of A narcissist.

Yes the Push and pull of Narcisistic relationships. He would push me away with his rages, blame and silent treatments. I would pull him back by maintaining communcation, hope and welcoming him back with love when he returned. All based On My own abandonment issues. Which he was aware of and utilized well to keep perpetuating a sense of abandonment and fear of loss within me to keep me bonded to him. Love is a hard habit to break.

This is what we cannot help but think SA. Most of my kind know no other position. I alternate between realising it is not the case and feeling very much that it is the case, although in either instance I will still maintain a position which is designed to help my situation.

I know the feeling of moving in between two worlds. Two mind thoughts. I know this world HG. Trust me. My battle, my demon. My life for life. But it gets easier as I mature. Or is it that I just resign to the fact I am a bit crazy.
I have been told many times a camera crew needs to follow me.
Stay steady.

For all the “higher” thoughts and taking the “high” road and securing No Contact and having a fortress built around me- for all the beautiful lessons learned, the tremendous growth, the awakening, the strength and determination. For all the resurrection of my life, career, prosperity, friendships and abundant everything. For all the positive in my world and the blazing flame of love that now burns in my heart for me.

For all that- in my quietest moments sometimes- I let my mind wander over to that dusty corner where his memory lingers- and I miss the loving fuck out of him.

Just remember they mirror us in the Golden period. So in truth we fell in love with ourselves. Go look in the mirror, you are still there, you still have you. It did not go with him. You take all that Golden stuff with you. Don’t give them your shine.

Yes, well aware. I’m just letting melancholy have its way with me today. Still, there were things unique to him that had no similar vein in me. Subtle things, like the way he drummed his fingers during a song. Something was connecting inside him. The way he he genuinely enjoyed the meals I put in front of him- even a Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwich. Glimpses of his vulnerability- I saw them. Small slivers of openings into his inner world that closed off as quickly as they opened. That fucking testosterone that served me well.

I use to do this, and then I realized he did nothing special at all.
I only see the terrible things he did now. How condescending he was in his talk of service people. I belong to a private club, so I do not need to say how some members come off. I on the other hand treat the service people with respect and talk like we are old friends. I want them to address me by my first name etc. They always say I am one of their favorites. I see why. Well he told me I needed to hang with my own kind and not with the help. First off I really do not “hang” wth the help, I just am nice.
He always curse drivers. I made a note to pay attention after I read one of the books by HG and even on the phone, I would hear his foulness. For no reason.
His ex-wife was a Talbot shopping, WASP ( no offense if anyone fits this bill) who belongs to a Fox hunting club. (animal abuse in my opinion) I am totally opposite. I am edgy but with elegance and I do not scare animals, I save them. I do not put on airs unless I need too. ETC. What I am saying is he thought he was all that but in reality, he Could never hold a candle to my lifestyle, my experiences, my support group (family and friends) or anything else. He brought nothing to the table. It was all a facade.
So when I think I am going soft, this is what I think of now. Largely do to this support here and HG. As I said I traded one Narc who was nothing for a Narc who is something………a bit of truth serum with HG, a dose of reality. Hard and Cold but it snapped me right back to logical thinking. I like this Narc experience better.
I get the sex part too, but I was the force there too. He was actually boring and vanilla. I guess I settled.

I have been reading this blog for a few months now. I really find comfort and community with the contributors. i have learned much from HG including the great sadness of it all. Bethany- you have explained how bittersweet loving a N can be. I, too, watched for signs of his humanity…I saw such darkness most of the time. He was a brilliant man but had no idea what life was for…not mine…not his

Bittersweet but leaves a bad taste in your mouth and a hole in your heart for sure Jjp.

It gets better. Like the ocean tides, our feelings ebb and flow. In the beginning of recovery, they crash over us in giant waves knocking us underwater as we tumble and thrash furtively fighting to gain our footing to push up and catch our breath. As our ️Healing progresses, we become like the ocean at low tide- still, reflective and resting as new currents meander through us carrying our ️tears away from our hearts back to the deep from where they came. It’s a beautiful process really, one that is hard to appreciate until the bleeding has stopped and but a deep scar remains to run your fingers over now and again and remember.

What prompted me to keep record of everything HG was all his gaslighting. I thought i was going crazy. Many a time i cud of kicked myself because i wish i had kept proof of things he had said and promised. So i learnt to keep record of everything. There is nothing worse for me when a person takes credit for something I did or to tell me they did not say this or that when i know they said it etc. i thought if i just kept sending the proof to him he wud learn to not play that one with me. He wud just give me ST for every snapshot of proof i sent him. By the time he slinkered back i wud want to discuss it all. His reply wud be ” aah it was so long ago he can’t remember and besides he doesnt live in the past unlike me”. So keeping everything came in handy for me when i wanted to work out if i was going into devalue and when someone else was going into golden. Iv recently deleted everything from him and altho it was a sad moment for me to get rid of it ( cos i cudnt leave it alone) a huge weight lifted off my shoulder and i felt free. My appetite came back and thankfully gained abit of weight and I sleep better BUT i also feel a huge gaping hole. I got addicted to investigating him and yes i have a NEED to understand. So i think ur blog and ur books are helping me fill that void because im still not completely sated with my questions and answer. Never thought id say this but HG the good narc is saving me from my narc . So u see HG u not all bad and evil. There is good in u whether u want to believe that or not. I believe that.

When Ns/toxic people do not go away after me politely and bluntly telling them to..I will continuously state facts about who they really are until they finally reply “leave me alone”. Only then do I let up and go silent. Any deflection on their part to point the finger back at my is ignored until I accomplish my goal and they withdraw.

Hi HG, after reading this I must ask; do you pester every woman you have ensnared? I mean, sounds like you have had a lot of them and you say at the end of this article you will never leave them alone…

Hello Mary, I never pester anybody, they are always delighted to hear from me. I do return to them all – save where it has become impossible. Nothing is forgotten and nothing is ever over so long as we both continue to breathe.