When men suffer low sex drive

Advice on how to increase you or your partner's libido and reconnect as a couple.

(Q) My husband has no desire to have sex, yet we are very affectionate and have a good relationship. We want to make things right but cannot find a way to reignite that passion we once had. I am getting increasingly frustrated as I don't think he has done enough to fix the problem, yet expects me to be faithful.

(A) Some people would consider leaving your husband over a sexual issue to be extreme. But, in fact, sexual dissatisfaction ranks in the top five reasons couples split. Your unhappiness in this area can affect many other areas in your relationship and, yes, it can lead to a split. But it doesn't have to.

To start with, your husband's expectation for you to be faithful is a separate issue from the libido problem. He does indeed expect you to be faithful, which is a fair expectation, because it is presumably based on your vows of fidelity. It's a bad idea to communicate in any way that suggests you might stray if he doesn't perform.

To address this problem, you need to work as a team. Statements such as: "I don't think he has done enough to fix the problem" reflect a blame scenario that is counterproductive. Fixing the problem involves both of you. Together, you need to figure out what quantity and quality of lovemaking and intimacy will make you each happy.

If there is a difference in your answers, you need to negotiate. It sounds as though you have a solid relationship outside the bedroom and now need to increase the sense of mutual desire that can (and used to) occur inside the bedroom.

You and your husband both need to address the work/life balance you share. Keep a diary for a couple of weeks, tracking how you each spend your time. How much is spent together every day without phones, children, TV, deadlines and demands? Are you getting your quality time together (sexual or otherwise) every day? If you aren't, then you both need to agree to arrange for this time. His libido will return when you reconnect as a couple.

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