Sociopaths are parasites in a world of hosts

Sociopaths come in many shapes and sizes. They look like our neighbors, our bosses, our co-workers and even our best friends. They even come disguised as our soul mates. (Yikes!)

But the one thing all of these sociopaths have in common is their ability to suck us clean of every ounce of talent and goodness we have inside and then toss us on the side of the road leaving us wondering what we ever did to deserve such punishment.

Yes. We see the abuse inflicted upon us by the sociopath as punishment for something we did wrong. We committed a crime against the sociopath, and we must handle the punishment because all the sociopath ever wanted was for us to need him as much as he needed us.

In the beginning:

We were adored by the sociopath when he first met us.

We listened to the sociopath and his complaints of his past girlfriends, lovers, friends and even siblings.

We were convinced that the poor, poor sociopath was misunderstood and that we would be the one who would finally make his life worth living.

We were placed on a pedestal that was so high above all others, we couldn’t even catch our breath most of the time.

We became convinced that the sociopath really loved us; we were the love of his life, the one, the best thing that ever happened to him.

We got comfortable. We felt safe. We started sharing more about our dreams and passions.

Once he knew we were hooked:

We were shamed slowly and insidiously, and our past was thrown in our faces.

We were led to believe we weren’t good enough and shouldn’t think so highly of ourselves.

We experienced confusion, and the pedestal slowly crumbled beneath us, putting us off balance and jolted repeatedly and endlessly.

We failed to be patient enough when the sociopath raged and cried.

We failed to comply when the sociopath told us we shouldn’t wear that or listen to this or watch that or be friends with him.

We failed to act fast enough with our empathy when the sociopath was crying and injured due to what he deemed our insensitivities.

We failed to put the sociopath first before all others.

We failed to bury our dreams and desires in place of the sociopath’s fantasy.

Once we realized the sociopath was not as righteous as he wanted us to believe:

We disagreed more openly with the sociopath. We spoke up.

We did what we wanted to do when we wanted to do it without the sociopath.

We made friends outside of the sociopath’s established inner circle.

We talked to strangers and enjoyed talking to strangers.

We planned more and more of our free time without considering the sociopath.

Once we started to fight for our freedom:

We were abused, shamed and blamed more. Sometimes we were physically attacked.

We pointed out the sociopath’s delusional thinking.

We told the sociopath what we really thought of him.

We got angry when the sociopath gave us the silent treatment and ignored us when we started asking questions.

Once we realized we had been completely discarded as a human by the sociopath:

We got tired of being angry and being ignored by the sociopath, so we started telling anyone in earshot what was happening to us.

We were pitied or even ignored.

But we kept talking. Someone was listening.

Once we realized we were not alone:

We helped ourselves and listened to our gut.

We promised to love ourselves and be better than the person we were before the sociopath entered our lives.

We worked hard to change our destructive thinking patterns.

We ate better, began a new habit or two or three, made new friends and took long walks again…all by ourselves.

We relearned self-love and self-respect, two things we thought we had in spades before the sociopath came into our lives.

We learned to trust ourselves again.

We learned to focus on our happiness and joy and not worry about the sociopath’s next victim.

We learned that our savior is inside of us.

We learned to love again.

What did the sociopath learn?

The sociopath learned to sharpen his skills.

The sociopath learned how to be more stealth, patient and charming.

The sociopath learned how to prolong his game, so he can suck more out of his next victim(s).

Because there will always be a next one and a next one and a next one.

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30 Comments

True story. I spend a lot of time outdoors, and recently discovered a tick had bitten me, made a red spot on my skin, then died. Hoping I don’t come down with some tick-borne disease, but I had to laugh because this parallels my experience with my sociopath. She (a former “friend”) has been suffering the blows of karma repeatedly as of late. I admit that it has been rewarding to see the universe bring some balance. I had genuinely cared for her and had done things to try to “help” her many times, to find that she caused harm to me and others that I care about over and over. Moral of the story to sociopaths: sometimes us “normals” are poisonous to you blood-sucking parasites, lol.

Reblogged this on Killing Me Softly: Emotional & Psychological Abuse and commented:
An insightful and excellent post from Paula of Paula’s Pontifications. The list she presents of the process via which abusers slowly wear their targets down, until we don’t know who we are anymore, is chillingly accurate.

You list rang so chillingly true for me, Paula, that I was gobsmacked! I didn’t think my ex was a full-blown sociopath but now am not so sure. He certainly has an unhealthy balance of pathologically narcissistic traits, and it was only after our relationship ended that I realized he operates from a completely different reality to a psychologically healthy person. All those years trying to understand what I’d done so terribly wrong to upset him and cause his rages; such a waste of time and energy; all that soul-searching and blaming myself, with him all too eager to force that blame upon me. And yes, in the beginning, he presented himself as my soulmate, telling me that everything I said, did and believed resonated perfectly with him. They were the very aspects of me he detested so much and abused me for; beginning not long after we married. And yes, he honed in on my every vulnerability and used them against brutally. What a lucky escape! I’m reblogging this piece of yours – it’s excellent.

It’s not only men it’s women too. My ex gf drained more than $130,000 from me over a 6.5 year period of on again off again relationship. Finally it was off for good and both of her close friends suffered from her temper tantrums and finally we all started hanging out without her and they filled me in on how my ex would brag about all the other men she had on the line and how much she was taking from me. Their honestly completely floored me when I heard it but because they are caring decent people I got over the hurt and am now free of her once and for all. Furthermore, I’ve also found out she’s set her target on another well to do guy that I hope for his sake, wises up before it’s too late. I firmly believe what goes around comes around and people like her will be judged and all of their lying, manipulating, and callousness will catch up to them at some point.

Thank you for sharing your experience, Anonymous. I think the females are the most dangerous, because they can easily slip into that role of victim and/or The Damsel in Distress without most people blinking or thinking twice!! Plus, the media puts the vixen on a pedestal, and convince us that only the best men can get a woman like that. Well, that’s partially true, because only the best men fall for the manipulations women like that weave. I am sorry you lost so much, but at least you learned the truth, which is powerful and validating and will help propel you forward and far beyond her stagnant place of ugliness and self-loathing.

My sociopath always asked (and probably still would if he could) what part of the relationship do I take blame for since I seem to blame it all on him. This was always difficult to answer because it is never anyone’s fault that they were abused except for maybe accepting this lunatic into their lives, letting them stay and falling in love. Additionally making excuses for their behavior. Needless to say, those excuses don’t fly well with him. It took much counseling for me to accept that my part really is very minimal. We had regular problems which I can take blame for of course, but then we had the biggies that lead to the break-up. I think I will add in bullet points 2,3,5 and 6 to my list of what part I can share responsibility for. May I never be fooled again!

Wow. I’m currently at the end of my rope. I wish I could say end of the relationship but sadly, we’ve been battling for 2 out of 3 years. Today he tells me to get over my bullshit or let him go. I already kicked him out and have limited contact but damn him. He states everything as if I’m the one. He gets into his martyr roll and despite my apologizing for what I say or do out of anger, he says if I wouldn’t have done this or that.
I would like to tell my story one day, but as of now I feel like such a fool. I can clearly see and need an act of Congress to stand firm. I’m sooo glad I am not alone.
Thanks for letting me share!

I really needed to read this today. My narc soon-to-be ex husband is in hoovering mode and sometimes I find myself wondering ‘is he really even a narc?’ But I know that he is. And I know that ive done nothing wrong other than fall for a man who’s incapable if loving anybody but himself. At times I worry myself sick about him meeting somebody else, but posts like this remind me who he really is and how he’ll never change. Thankyou x

It is really important that you understand that he will never change. It takes a long time to detach from that slowly. But that is the only way. Make a pact with your most trusted friend to remind you, when you weaken to his act, that he will NEVER change. I am sorry to say this, but I do so from experience. When I have let myself believe that he may be capable of change, I end up spiraling into such a desperate place of despair. You have to remember that they will never cave, they will never see your point of view. They live in the non feeling realm and they have no ability to learn empathy. It is very hard to believe if you are a real, feeling person, that someone could be that hard. But you must. Peace to you!

Now if it was only as simple as vaccinating or purchasing a repellant to protect ourselves! I would be in line for it! I would LOVE to be unappealing to parasites. 👏😝! Wonderfully written Paula! Reminding me yet again, I can’t change them, I will always be ME. Thank you.

I really enjoyed the list format on this one. To capture these stages in this manner show such understanding. And you are so correct at the end, the sociopath learns to sharpen his/her skills. Good thing to remember.

Thanks, Kimberly. I find it valuable to test my memory and remind myself what I looked like and where I never want to find myself again. The pattern is so familiar to almost everyone who has experienced this type of abuse and remains unsettling to me looking at it even now, at a distance of nearly 3 years.

Paula, this is so timely. Yes thank God when we can reach the place where we are not worried about warning the next victim. I think I have finally gotten there. And what’s interesting is that another one of his targets contacted me because of my blog. The targets seem to be getting better at seeing the red flags–the latest one cut him off before he had a chance to sexaully seduce her but in hearing her story he was definitely grooming her. Great post as usual Paula.

I love that you continue to receive validation through your blog writing. You are helping all of the others and yourself at the same time! Reaching out to any current supplies would just create unnecessary drama and frustration. They’ll never believe it to be true. They’re not like you, remember? You’re so inadequate and not able to meet his needs. And it’s true. You weren’t willing to sacrifice Ivonne so Berry could do as he pleased when, how and with whom he wanted. Who could meet those needs? A zombie!! 🙂

Paula, you nailed it with this one: “We relearned self-love and self-respect, two things we thought we had in spades before the sociopath came into our lives.”
I have finally reached a point where I am happy with myself – I love myself and for the first time in YEARS I love the way I look, braces, growing out a pixie cut and all — I still love myself, despite the fact I tell people I am “Under construction”. My Ex knew my weaknesses (my weight, my looks) and preyed upon those weaknesses — little by little he chipped away at my confidence and self-esteem and by the time we split, I was a shell of the person I used to be.

It’s such a blessing in disguise, really, to be face-to-face with our weaknesses. My Achilles heal was believing I was smart, independent and a good mother. Feeling like I wasn’t good enough in those areas depressed me and dragged me down. I know I am all of those things today and that no one can try convincing me otherwise.

Paula’s writing at:

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