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We have all had them: toxic relationships. They come in many forms: the boss who is sweet one moment and critically demanding the next, the friend or relative who demands that you change your plans to match hers, or the spouse who constantly puts you down. While it may be easy to identify toxic relationships, it is not always easy to get rid of them. But it is important to do something about toxic relationships, as they can lead to depression and anxiety.

Toxic Relationships Defined

There is no clinical definition of a toxic relationship, although we all have some idea of what it means to have a toxic friend. The term “toxic relationships” is useful as a sidewalk definition, says clinical psychologist Clinton W. McLemore, PhD, author of Toxic Relationships and How to Change Them: Health and Holiness and Everyday Life. “Think of a scale — from nourishing on one end to toxic on the other. [A toxic relationship is with] someone who continually throws you surprises or curves, keeps you off balance, raises your anxiety for no apparent reason, and leaves you feeling badly about yourself.”

Toxic relationships can cause you to become depressed or anxious, warns McLemore.

Changing Toxic Relationships

Once you decide that one of the relationships in your life is toxic, the question is what to do about it. Many people think they can change someone else. But, most of the time, it is not possible. “If the toxicity is really well-ingrained in the other person, it’s not easy to change," says McLemore. "It’s difficult to induce change in someone who has power over you — some people get their jollies from being mean and cruel,” explains McLemore.

Also, toxic relationships may be circumstantial. Toxic relationships between friends or co-workers are very different from toxic family relationships. For example, if you are caring for an elderly parent who has become mean over time, you might choose to endure this toxic relationship out of love, although you would not accept that treatment from someone else.

Here are some tips to help you handle toxic relationships:

Tell the person how you feel. McLemore advocates beginning with a gentle, one-on-one approach in which you tell the person how you feel about the way they treat you. For people who are not fully aware of the impact of their actions, this can be an effective way to change toxic relationships for the better. If this doesn’t work, you may have to get tougher. “Sometimes when people are being abusive, you have to put a decisive stop to it,” says McLemore, adding that if the person in question threatens you during this exchange, consider that an assault, and seek help.

Set limits. Even with a person who has power over you, such as a boss, you can set limits. This means you should be assertive and clear about how you need to be treated and any other boundaries you may have. For example, if your boss has a habit of yelling at you when things need to be done at the last minute, McLemore recommends a response like, “I don’t mind you asking or even telling me to do whatever you want, but I would like you to do it respectfully.”

Control your responses. Even toxic relationships are a dynamic between two people. Consider how you respond, because you may be continuing the toxicity unwittingly. For example, if you instantly do whatever has been demanded of you, you are furthering the toxic relationship.

Ending the toxic relationship. This is one final way to handle the situation — and may at times be quite tempting. But McLemore believes in reserving this for a last step, especially if the toxic relationship is with someone who holds an important spot in your life, like a spouse, family member, or employer. However, he says, it is important to “know your limits.” There may come a time when you have to leave the job, stop seeing your friend, or file for divorce.

Deciding how to handle toxic relationships is difficult, McLemore acknowledges. Your decisions will depend on who is part of the toxic relationship and how much you care for or rely on that person. Don't be afraid to take action. Tell the toxic person how you feel, and if he is unresponsive or if you feel threatened in any way, seek outside help.

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