9 Celebrities Who Should Leave the Food World Alone

Celebrity has inundated the food world in so many ways, from the rock star-ification of the chef to the rise of the Hollywood restaurant investor. But perhaps the most consistently upsetting part of this paradigm shift is the ascent of the celebrity foodie—the person who, not content with just being famous for whatever the hell he or she does to be famous, decides to swan about food festivals, show up at buzzy openings, put out a cookbook, or attempt to tell America how to eat.

We won’t front like we’re not interested in what famous people eat. Hell, we’ve pillaged rap music for food-related lyrics with gusto on many occasions, analyzed Jay Z and Beyonce’s restaurant choices with stalker-like obsessiveness, and celebrated supermodel Chrissy Teigen’s ramen adventures. But give celebrities an inch of newsprint, and they’ll try to get the whole damn cover story. And when famous folks begin fighting for popularity and market share in the food world, things get ugly fast.

So who’s the absolute worst? No prizes for guessing who’s number one, but sadly, Ms. Goop’s got plenty of company.

Celebrity has inundated the food world in so many ways, from the rock star-ification of the chef to the rise of the Hollywood restaurant investor. But perhaps the most consistently upsetting part of this paradigm shift is the ascent of the celebrity foodie—the person who, not content with just being famous for whatever the hell he or she does to be famous, decides to swan about food festivals, show up at buzzy openings, put out a cookbook, or attempt to tell America how to eat.
We won't front like we're not interested in what famous people eat. Hell, we've pillaged rap music for food-related lyrics with gusto on many occasions, analyzed Jay Z and Beyonce's restaurant choices with stalker-like obsessiveness, and celebrated supermodel Chrissy Teigen's ramen adventures. But give celebrities an inch of newsprint, and they'll try to get the whole damn cover story. And when famous folks begin fighting for popularity and market share in the food world, things get ugly fast.
So who's the absolute worst? No prizes for guessing who's number one, but sadly, Ms. Goop's got plenty of company.

Gywneth Paltrow

Actually famous for: Acting in films, being married to married to Chris Martin from Coldplay, hanging out with other famous people
Notable food-world meddling: Where to begin…Gwyneth's lifestyle website, Goop, is largely devoted to her recipes and restaurant recommendations (of note: the time she discovered Brooklyn). That gave rise to a cookbook. And a cover story in Bon Appetit. And a terrible PBS show where she cruised around Spain with Mario Batali. And on and on it goes.
Why she needs to go away: The only more ubiquitous in the food scene than Gwyneth is Gwyneth hate. In fact, she's such a food-world punching bag that one wonders if eventually she'll become a sympathetic character, like Guy Fieri after his Pete Wells smackdown. Certaily not yet. With her constant name-dropping (see: dinners at Mario's place, a book that often reads like a mashup of an Eater Heat Map and Page 6); seeming lack of self-awareness (see: tweeting the N word from a Jay Z concert), strong feelings about gluten (FOH); and general sanctimony about her rich-person advice (see: everything on Goop), she appears to be either the most insufferable of celebrities, or one of the greatest trolls of the modern age. Either way, it's time to fall back, Gwyneth. You're a fake vegan (even wacker than real vegans), no one needs your neutered versions of David Chang dishes (Chang would probably slap you for that one if he could), and "autumnal yum" is the worst phrase to ever be printed in the history of cooking and books.

Aziz Ansari

Actually famous for: Standup comedy, Parks & RecreationsNotable food-world meddling: Being buds with David Chang and appearing on PBS' Mind of a Chef; tweeting incessantly about restaurants; Vice Munchies cameos; giving countless interviews about eating at the country's best restaurants.
Why he needs to go away: When Aziz brings food into his comedy, it is absolutely hilarious: His bit about Cold Stone Creamery is legendary, as is his food slang as Tom on Parks & Recreation. But when he rolls with Chang to Tokyo on a GQ-funded boondoggle, or reviews Torrisi for a fashion blog, or just sort of shows up in TV shows that his celebrity chef friends are doing, something weird happens—he stops being funny, and starts just being one of those hypebeast foodies who annoys you by bragging about flying to Nashville for the weekend to eat at The Catbird Seat. The media, as usual, is partly to blame for Aziz saturation—as soon as editors cottoned to the fact that he liked food, he became the celeb foodie vehicle of choice, doing endless interviews about his favorite restaurants with photo shoots in which he wears a suit and plays with a steak. But damn, Aziz—time to stop playing the part and just do what you do best. Less foie gras, more funny. (And also, go to a restaurant that's not inBon Appetit'stop 50 for once.)

Alicia Silverstone

Actually famous for: Acting in films, wearing a crop top in Aerosmith's "Crazy" video.
Notable food-world meddling: Once clueless, an enlightened Silverstone now defends pre-masticating her son's meals and champions a clean, healthy vegan lifestyle through website, The Kind. (No link. Spare yourself.)
Why she needs to go away: Silverstone doesn't mince words about beeswax: she'd rather nobody use it. This hardline attitude is defines The Kind, which despite looking a lot like a tween magazine and having a tab titled "Delicious," has a distinct political agenda. At root, it's all pretty tame. Pertinent issues are raised, and the vegan breast milk bank Silverstone founded in July is a worthy cause. Her book, The Kind Diet: A Simple Guide to Feeling Great, Losing Weight, and Saving the Planet, neatly details her switch to veganism. Nothing eyebrow raising. However, there's an evangelical edge to Silverstone that makes her brand of healthy living hard to swallow. She encourages people to stamp out caffeine, then meat, and ultimately anything that isn't grain or sea vegetable. At that stage, known as Silverstone's "superhero" level, fanatical readers have reached a drastic level of dedication that steps beyond the boundary of healthy living and encroaches on obsessive compulsion. No knocks on becoming an educated eater, but a Hollywood nutritionist's vision of health seems a hazardous plight for the rest of us.

David Lynch

Actually famous for: Being the man behind Lost Highway, Blue Velvet,Twin Peaks, other movies that will give you really crazy dreams and intense therapy sessions for decades after you view them.
Notable food-world meddling: He produces his own coffee and has a quinoa recipe. Seriously.
Why he needs to go away: Because David Lynch movies and coffee don't pair as well as whoever gave you the bad idea to combine the two has assured you. Because David Lynch movies are undermined by the silly enterprise of a man cultivating one kind of coffee. Because coffee is an import with tons of difficult and nuanced fair trade issues and we don't need a movie director fucking up the supply and growth economics. Because drinking David Lynch coffee will grow a talking brick inside your stomach that will turn into an old man and then shrivel up and become a raisin.*
*Not true. Or is it?

Eva Longoria

Actually famous for: Being the hot one on Desperate Housewives. Being cheated on by Tony Parker.
Notable food-world meddling: Opening a restaurant. On Hollywood Boulevard. And in Vegas. With a club above it. Authored a cookbook, Eva's Kitchen: Cooking with Love for Family and Friends. Hosted a Next Food Network Star competition.
Why she needs to go away: If you're a celebrity who opens a restaurant that's halfway decent, fair game. Ever try the chicken fingers at Planet Hollywood? They were made with Cap'n Crunch, and were supposedly Demi Moore's recipe. And you know what? Holler, Demi Moore. Those chicken fingers were goddamn amazing. We haven't been to Longoria's restaurant, so we can't judge by taste, but we do know that she opened a restaurant with Todd English, a surefire indicator of mook-baiting, bottom-feeding unsavoriness. On the list of Things the World Needs Less Of, there are way too many spots already taken up by Todd English restaurants, restaurants with clubs on top of them, restaurants with locations in Las Vegas and Hollywood Boulevard, and Food Network Stars (especially Next Ones). And that's not the mention the complete lack of self-awareness involved in opening a woman-friendly steakhouse with "She-Cuts" of meat and fashion shows. Finally, as far as that cookbook goes, we're not gonna sit here and write that Eva Longoria's recipes made Tony Parker cheat on her. But we're not gonna sit here and not write that, either. Boom.

Ali Larter

Actually famous for: Wearing a whipped cream bikini in Varsity Blues, acting in ABC smash hit HeroesNotable food-world meddling: Larter's taken a hard stance on food since snacking her way into the spotlight. In June, many people wondered what she was doing swanning about Aspen with Chef Michael Voltaggio. Could it be she would reprise her most famous (among men) role in a mountainside hot tub? No. She's got a cookbook, Kitchen Revelry, hitting stores next month, and she's clearly doing the proper networking.
Why she needs to go away: There's something inherently odious about celebrity jumping on the mommy-blogger bandwagon, which is supposed to be the terrain of non-famous moms just trying to do right by their kids (or alternatively, being total maniacs). In tried and true fashion, Larter had a kid and then had a lightning bolt moment: She'd been rushing for years and it was time to slow down. What better time to sit back, relax, and become an authority on at home entertaining? Larter says she isn't a foodie. She also claims a good dinner party doesn't even require successful dishes. As the subtitle spells out, the aim is to provide "A Year of Festive Menus from My Home to Yours." We've got Nigella and the Barefoot Contessa already, Ali. Thanks.

Marky Ramone

Actually famous for: Being in one of the most important punk bands of all time. Not necessarily being the most important member of it, but still.
Notable food-world meddling: Two episodes of No Reservations with fellow leathery, aging white guy Tony Bourdain. For the record: Not nearly as entertaining as Ted Nugent. Also, he has his own line of pasta sauce, sold under the stunningly brilliant name: "Marky Ramone's Brooklyn's Own Pasta Sauce." It is not produced by Marky Ramone Mark-eting. Though you wouldn't be surprised if it were, would you?
Why he needs to go away: Because every time someone takes a bite of this sauce, I don't give a fuck how close to Brooklyn it transports them, they also take a bite out of the legacy of "Judy Was a Punk," "Beat on the Brat," "The KKK Took My Baby Away," and "I Wanna Be Sedated" in a way that fifth grade mallrats in Ohio buying up CBGB shirts out of the nearest Hot Topic never could. It's not that we don't want Marky Ramone to make more money than he does and live a happy life, or that we're against him wanting to spread the joy of his pasta recipe. But to sell it in supermarkets amongst the Pregos and Ragus of the world? Especially when any real Brooklynite—let alone any sentient, non-supermarket sheeple—knows that the only things that genuinely need to go into pasta sauce are tomatoes, garlic, and olive oil? And if you need still need convincing, let me remind you that punk—before it was beaten to death and appropriated by crass commercial enterprises—was a fundamentally DIY movement, and nothing is more DIY (or easy) than making your own motherfucking tomato sauce. "Marky's sauce" is bad for punk and bad for sauce, and it's also just an awful thing to say out loud.

Dr. Oz and His Daughter

Actually famous for: Being an actual doctor Friend of Oprah's (as opposed to Dr. Phil, who is a actual assclown Friend of Oprah's). And he's got his own show where he uses comically oversized props involving human anatomy. Daphne Oz is on the vaguely food-related talk show on ABC that features Mario Batali attempting to feign interest in his fellow hosts.
Notable food-world meddling: Dr. Oz has actually written fairly informatively on many a food topic as it pertains to pretty common-sense health stuff—you know, like "don't be obese." Et cetera. But now he and his daughter Daphne are putting out a bunch of cookbooks after her Dorm Room Diet helped a bunch of people (or, let's be real: Girls Whose Mothers Sent Them That Book, because their mothers are pathetic sad wenches living vicariously through their daughters, and thus, need their daughters to be skinny and beautiful and not marry the same pathetically only marginally unsuccsuccessful shithead that they did, and thus, can hopefully take the family from the upper-middle-class into serious action, kiddo) avoid the Freshman 15.
Why they need to go away: Fathers who embark on commercial enterprises with their daughters are already a little weird, but if their daughters are hot, it begins to look exploitative and sleazy (see: Trump, Donald). That's not to say the daughters don't have free will! They totally do. But also, unless you went to Princeton like Daphne did, you probably don't have the resources to be on The Dorm Room Diet, because nobody actually cooks in their dorm unless they have money to buy groceries with, and if they have money (because their rich Oprah-friend parents are giving it to them) and they're not total tools, they're spending that money binge-drinking, and will gain the Freshman 15 regardless, and won't go on to marry a...let's see here, ah, yes: Energy sector investment fund analystsuch as the one Daphne, who is hot and can afford to look that way, did. And that's really gonna disappoint mom after she sends your sister/daughter/Oprah/whatever the book.

Any Reality Star

Actually famous for: Oh, who the fuck knows anymore?
Notable food-world meddling: That Real Housewives of New York lady is making millions off of her SkinnyGirl vodka. Victoria Gotti now has a cookbook. So does the Real Housewife of New Jersey, Teresa Giudice. Some Big Brother guy has a cookbook now, too.
Why they need to go away: Because they're not celebrities to begin with, and they take up space on the shelves that could be used for...anything else. Also, the food world has its own Reality Star Bullshit to deal with, like the annoying, ubiquitious, diminishing returns of Top Chef. Can't we just render this entire genre into an old Crisco can?

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