Gentlemen Musing On The Postmodern World

The Battle Of The Baubles

A Full And True Account Of A Battle Fought On Christmas Eve Between The Decorations, Cards, Toys, And Other Baubles In J----n L----s's Shop Window.

Stalinus, Mr Wentworth and I were at The Church of J---n L--is, observing The Sacrament Of The Counter, when a Fight broke out among the stuffed Elves, the praying Cows, and other Christmas Monsters. It was the dreadful Culmination of a Month-long Dispute over possession of the Holy Land in the Shop Window.

The Land was home to the wooden Mothers, Babies and Cows, who were related to its ancient Occupants, the Jack-o-Lanterns, and before them, the Chocolate-Egg-laying Rabbits. But the stuffed Elves claimed to have more Holiday Spirit, and, armed with Presents from the C-ca C-la Santa (who wanted to control the entire Shop), had imprisoned the Carvings, and built themselves Dolls' Houses where the Carvings once lived. With the Carvings at their Mercy, the Elves jeered, denied them Candy Canes, and threw the odd Baby in the Bin. The carvings bore this with model Piety, til at last, just hours before the Christmas Bank Holiday, one of them pulled a Party-Popper.

The Elves retaliated with a veritable Fireworks Display! There were Bangers and Poppers and Tooters and Sparklers and Crackers! "Think of our poor Children!" the Elves cried. Santa condemned the Violence, while filling the Elves' Stockings. When the Smoke cleared, the Carnage was woeful to behold! Paper Stables were flattened, Mothers lay prostrate, and there were Streamers everywhere! One of the few Carvings to remain standing lamented, "You drink my Sherry, eat my Mince Pies, topple my Diorama, steal my Window Space, imprison me, kill my Family, bombard my Country, starve us all, humiliate us all, but I am to blame: I pulled a Popper."

The Carvings had always sought a diplomatic Solution, but could not agree upon anything while Negotiations were mediated by Santa. Now they sent a Card to the United Shelves. The felt Snowmen, Plastic Faeries, and Nutcrackers who sat on the lofty Shelves were sympathetic to the Carvings. They thought the best Solution would be to divide the Window Space with a Pencil and Ruler, but they trembled in Santa's corpulent Shadow, so all they did was offer the Carvings a Branch on the Christmas Tree from which to view the Shelves at a Distance.

Santa was furious! "Giving the Carvings a glimpse of Negotiations, let alone a Say in them, is not the way settle this Dispute Diplomatically!" The Elves were just as angry, and vowed to build many more Dolls' Houses. But before they could accomplish their Designs, the Clock stuck Twelve, the Spirit left, and the Baubles disappeared.