Why so Hush Hush?!

I can remember I was in third grade as a bunch of us huddled around the dictionary in our private christian school as we looked up the word sex. We giggled and whispered thinking of so many more colorful things this word could mean. Then our teacher turned the corner and we all felt instant shame as we blushed trying to hide the Webster Dictionary.

Her face was so gentle and calm as she explained that sex was merely the way of determining gender, male or female. Which she proved by showing us the definition. That seemed to be enough for the rest of the kids as they each went to their desks, but for me, I was puzzled. I knew I wasnt being told the whole truth.

Why did I feel shame at being caught looking up a word that seemed to be so “hush-hush” but according to my teacher meant something so clean-cut.

I grew up being taught that sex was connected to shame. The words I remember my mom using to describe this word/act the most was “nasty” and “dirty”. It was drilled into me that sex was for marriage which a wife then submitted to her husband. Yet the bible I was told to read was riddled with metaphors of sex being beautiful and spiritual. And if it was meant for marriage, why was I, at such a young age already questioning the facts I were told to be true.

I had been sexually abused as a child yet I never felt a complete alienation from the act itself. I knew I held power over the persons that wanted my body for their own satisfaction. I would end up going into a dream like state during the act itself. Maybe I disconnected from reality completely and that’s why I continued to be intrigued. I was introduced to porn by the age of 4 and yes, I can still remember the images I saw from those magazines. To me I saw beautiful strong women who caused men to bow to their will. I saw art. It didn’t click till later what I was actually seeing.

The sexual abuse did mess with my mind in a way that is not like most. I wasnt fearful or scared. It was more of an annoyance because it seemed inevitable that it would happen again and again simply because I was a girl. At the time I found comfort in the attention. I was always longing for a more meaningful connection which I would get a glimpse at but in the end I was left behind in a state of confusion.

Living with divorced parents caused a deeply rooted disconnect with how I perceived a loving relationship between the world and myself.

I was a hardcore people pleaser growing up. Which would later make it hard to say “no” in my teen years. In the times I wanted the sexual advances I found that I wouldn’t allow myself to say “yes” or “no” aloud. It was easier to give myself for their pleasure in the time they wanted. In that decision, I would find myself safely in that welcomed trance where nothing could touch me and in that place I found comfort. This may have been a safe place for my mind, but it did nothing for helping me with healthy sexual thoughts.

I seem to split into two. I separated my mind from my body. Two completely different entities shut off from one another. One was that of a complete restful sleep and relaxation knowing it would be over soon. The other was watching from above seeing the complete unworldly joy in the one getting pleasure from my body. As for me, the pleasure I felt was not physical but mental. The curious thoughts that would go through my head were more like a scientist watching an experiment or an artist creating a masterpiece. In those moments I didn’t see shame I saw pleasure, but why wouldn’t I allow myself to get lost in the physical pleasure as well?. Was there really something wrong with how my mind understood how sex was suppose to be perceived.

Why was it me that was seeing sex so differently from those who were suppose teach me and help me to grow into being a healthy adult.

And why did it bring so much shame to the world around me? Why did my body clam up whenever the subject came up yet wish I could somehow communicate the truth going on inside me. Which was I liked sex, but maybe I saw through their eyes and not my own.

I guess I wanted to write this to show myself I am not ashamed of sex, but that I still have questions on why no one wants to share their sexual stories of real life. Where is the safe haven to teach that sex is okay to think about and that shame and guilt need not be present to accept ones own sexuality.

I, like everyone who has a pulse, some way or another enjoys the feelings of being aroused, in their own way. It has the ability to lift our spirits and clear our minds. A scientific fact, yet not many want to tackle this subject.

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9 thoughts on “Why so Hush Hush?!”

This may interest you – I’ve read that women who have been sexually abused at a young age tend to have a lot of sexual partners, and have sex with men they’re not attracted to. It was that way with me. At the time, I told myself that I was trying to prove that I was sexually “normal”, but really it was because I’d been groomed to do what men told me to.
I never really got over my early feelings abot sex – when it was physically good it made me feel either angry, or frightened and out of control, but when it wasn’t, I felt frustrated in the normal way.
In the end, after having four children, I chose celibacy. I’ve got what I want.

The “normal” was a struggle. I mean what is normal anyways?! We all have different ways of feeling love and affection so my normal IS going to be different then someone elses normal. There needs to be a safe enviroment where both people KNOW their “normal” will be viewed with acceptance.
I understand the “when it felt good” part. I think thats when I learned to disconnect. I trusted that my body did like the attention, but know now I don’t want the “good” to be tainted with how it was served to me.
Its been a huge lesson on Self-Control and learning to push past the “past” negative feelings because they no longer have a place with in me. Celibacy is a great way to reflect and find what is really needed with in your life. Just remember, Sexually you are perfectly made! Visualize the perfect partner and through that imagination you can find a new “normal” if you were to ever make the choice to take that step again. When I first started to visualize myself sexually, I had no idea even what I liked, everything felt wrong to see myself in such a way, but in my mind I was happy.THAT WAS MY TRUTH. I kept following what had felt good in the past and then stripping away everything else that I didn’t want to be there. I rewrote those stories over and over in my thoughts changing details so I was in control. Until I no longer could see any bad. Yes i still know the abuse happened to me, but how I reacted because of that abuse is up to me to correct. Reliving it and telling my story was the only way I got through.

You must be an inspiration to others who have suffered in this way. I was lucky; no-one saw me as a sexual object until I was ten, but then someone who should have been protecting me, started grooming me instead – getting inside my head, training me to be his perfect woman; sexy and aquiescent. I was the perfect victim for every predator in sight. None of it matters now – I like living alone, and have no interest in sex, but if I should ever change my mind, I’ll make my own decision, rather than just falling in with whoever fancies me.

A very good and intriguing commentary on sex. Interesting your response to it. For me sex is visceral and has always been a deeply desperate need to connect mentally almost more than physically. In the acts I have been found to lose myself completely in connecting. It’s never been able the physicality

I agree! Sex is a national fascination, here and the world over! There are many reasons why sex is taboo in America. One is patriarchal infrastructure: by sexually objectifying women, (some) men derive gratification while simultaneously guarding their top spots in society. If a woman believes sex is dirty, her sexuality–something powerful that she can use to overthrow a man–is inhibited. In this way a woman can be ‘checked’. Also, social mores create so many circumstances in which sex is not okay. Then, there is the way sex is marketed for consumption. 😒

That’s why I needed to write this. 🙂
It only takes one to start a spark. We Need to Be open and truthful about the realness of the lessons we All learn in life.Openness Has and Is what is changing us as a harmonizing species. We need to ask the questions of why sex makes us blush and feel uncomfortable.
Me talking about sex doesn’t mean I’m “looking” for something outside my marriage. It just means I want change for the future minds. It will be them that will look to us. We can be a manual that is truthful and inspiring for them to walk their life journey. I choose to be that! Thank you for being Open and You!

I get judged a lot too for not having any qualms about discussing it. Ive learned thats going to happen regardless. I also dont want my daughters to be terrified, or uninformed about anything thats going to happen their lives! Cant even imagine what it would be like to grow up in todays world. Keeping the subject on lock is disaster waiting to happen for todays kids in particular. Well done.