Does intimacy threaten men?

Posted by Ria, 17 Aug 07

Do men need intimacy? Who doesn’t? Well I guess they do… or they wouldn’t seek it. According to some book I was reading the other day, men find intimacy threatening at the individual level. How true that is… am here to find out from you guys.

One thing that has always troubled me is that once men attain it, they will frequently pull away. And when they feel like it again, they go seeking for it once more. Its some kind of vicious cycle I guess.

Most women find this behavior baffling… and I am most women. For us, once we find intimacy, our hearts desire to maintain it. For men, they desire it, but not too much at once. I guess this kinda explains extramarital affairs - a man will get close to some girl and then withdraw to their safety zones – work and marriage until the need resurfaces again.

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Has any of you ever gotten close to a man and then suddenly, there is bickering and quarreling and you wonder what the f*** you did wrong? Well I guess this is usually some ploy to deliberately promote separateness by creating an aura of antagonism… don’t you think?

Much as trying to understand women is like trying so hard to understand a language you have never spoken, this is some language I would love to understand. Why seek intimacy and then run away from it? Why are men afraid of intimacy? Or do I just go out with the wrong men… those who can’t maintain some level of intimacy? Help a sister understand this Martian language. :razz:

22 responses to "Does intimacy threaten men?"

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My friend said it best the other day---great date, lousy spouse. Yes, I agree with most people here--we crave excitement. Perhaps we should take more time to discover who we are. I'm not saying that we should not explore the physical side--but lust is not love. I repeat, lust is not love. Some guys will make a game out of getting you, sort of like fly fishing or trolling. Don't fall for the bait, and swim in areas where you are safer.

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Initial stages are about impressing one another. The excitement eventfully wears off and the true you is left standing. If I am not forthcoming with the values I seek in a mate in the beginning and I don't see the intimacy I seek early I cut to the chase before I waste anymore time on someone who is not compatible with me.

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Itimacy , is a Large part of Our Love for each other . The feelings that I receive constantly from my wife . Make me Happy to have been Lucky enough that my youngest daughter originally purchased my membership here . We feel that it is a Natural Part of a Loving Relationship . Without these Special Feelings / Love would be just another 4 letter word . " For Crying out Loud " Samuel Jackson in " the MAN "

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Intimacy is such a multifaceted thing. Couples should develop a strong emotional intimacy before diving into the physical intimacy. I feel there is less "pulling back" on both sides when the mental intimacy is highly developed before enagaging the physical. There is something painfully sweet and exciting about desiring the physical and resisiting it while developing the mental and emotional intimacy.

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I read the initial question, but need to see an answer. I am currently involved with someone who comes on hot and heavy and then after a while he is cold and distant...then I ask him why and he says nothing is wrong...that he's busy or something crazy like that...then...I leave him alone and just like magic he's back even stronger than before. I don't know what to do, because right now he's in a DISTANT mode and it came right out of nowhere...is it me?? I have no idea what I did. I am confused and really hurt by this.

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Since people do not want to end current relationship or not ready to enter into a relationship. Or just want to have fun since life is short, why not find an intimate club for people seeking only casual fun with like minded friendly people? I met some hot sexual encounters on casualfriends.com/photo/FWB. It is so exciting! Believe it or not!

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I totally agree. I think that a number of women on this site (and other personal sites) all seem to indicate one thing in their profiles - yet gravitate to the opposite. We are different creatures. Women are driven by their emotions. Men by physical needs. Witness the appeal of romance novels - women read them ,men do not. And I think many women really believe that these mythical creatures exist....Just read the profiles on the personal sites and then witness what happens in chat rooms or in the real world such as bars, clubs,ect. The profiles are incredible to read. I just read a couple tonight on this site and another and there are hundreds of women who are looking for the following - must be 6ft tall, well educated, high income, no kids, must have interracially dated, non smoker,ect. - Lets see the probabilities - 15% of the men in this country are 6ft tall or over, 28% have a college education, 10% make over $100,000,ect. What is this Fantasy Island? If it is then I am Mr. Rourke.....What ever happened to "I am looking for a man that is kind, decent, honest and would make a good fun mate" - I rarely see that in profiles.....Its mostly material and its pathetic....When was the last time you saw a male equivalent that stated. Women will at most times flock to a guy that reeks jerk. Go out on any weekend night and you will see it. The funny thing is that when they are let down by that guy, they claim that ALL men are bad and then ALL men are painted as jerks. They then will date a "nice" guy, treat him like manure and he will then go and treat a woman like a jerk because he thinks ALL women are jerks....How ironic and again, pathetic and then ironic,ect.........

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Sammy I am really just floored with your comments. You know the only reason why I come on to you is because of your grilling skills.
Damn the looks, romance jibber jabba, can you get at the ribs?
Seriously thou, I think everyone is afraid of intimacy. Lets call it the "Scared to get hurt factor", reason why men and women both are afraid of intimacy. Going in to deep and then someone pulls out kind of hurts like a dull itchy knife.
No one wants to come across somthing like that. Pouring your heart out comes with a price. Intimacy is like a lock and key. You have several keys on a ring, each key represents a part of you. The lock is your nemesis and how to get the lock to open is the challange. No one really knows what is behind the door, but you are giving your all in trying to get the lock open.
Intimacy isn't a hard thing to do. Opening up is hard to do. People looking for love have armour on their intimate side. I personally do like a thuggish kind of man. Don't be fooled by the ideal of a woman being attracted to a man who is rough, means she wants to be beaten around. No, their is a certain allure to a thuggish man, he is stealth, and gentle behind the scenes. Some women may like men who are soft(sorry) for the right reasons, he's low key, he is romantic. Men, don't go thinking that women are picky over romance. FYI, every woman wants romance, wine and dine, flowers, candy etc. It is nice when a man remembers to do those little nothings, and women tend to be appreciative of those little nothings. Women, fall faster for men, than the other way around in most cases. Yet women are more protective of their feelings, because of past woes.
Intimacy 1. condition of being intimate. 2. The act evidencing close familiarity with a person.
TRUST, that is what leads up to intimacy. Not fear, if we can all get over those burning little secrets of past failed relationships, everyone would be doing a little more, "act evidencing close familarity with a person".
Over did it again..crazy. Obtaining Intimacy PRICELESS! Till the next episode

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I pretty much agree with sailor-women seem to go for the hard rough men and not a man that might be more romantic-or intimate and have more intrest in her besides sex.
If you go into the chat room you see it every day,the women will flock to looks and the most aggressive bad mouthed and ilmannered men(thugish) or the slick talkers.
When you read the ladies profiles you wonder why they wrote what they did when they seem to go complety in a differant direction than whats stated in their profile.
So i'm wondering who is the ones realy affraid of Intimacy-the men who are looking for a good lady or the women !

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Hello Everyone:
Been at AF.com a while, just haven't looked at the blogs too much. Big mistake on my part-lot of good stuff going on here. To the question at hand, isn't it possible that each parties understanding of exactly what intimacy actually is could be part of the problem? My guess is that if you asked everyone on this blog to define what intimacy is that you would be amazed at how diverse the answers were and in some cases might even scratch your head and ask "where in the world did THAT come from?". For instance, from a guy's perspective, we want our lady to feel both loved AND protected. If we perceive that intimacy involves a certain amount of vulnerability by its very nature, then we might just be concerned that this vulnerability could be perceived as weakness-and trust me no man wants to appear weak to a woman-so it can create a real conflict for some men. I think that for some men, sitting in silence next to his special someone and holding her in his arms without saying a word would be the most profound expression of intimacy and yet the lady might think to herself "why isn't he talking to me?"-he's thinking INTIMACY and she thinks she just heard a big chicken cluck:-) Might just be that some of the problem is with a basic lack of agreement between the two as to what each one understands to be the definition of intimacy to THEM. How many of us have actually taken the time or even considered asking the other what they mean when they say intimate(no, I don't mean the one thing that both parties would automatically say "oh, ya, THAT is intimate-lol).
So what do ya'll think, possiblity, or am I all wet?

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Men are not scared of intimacy, it's just that most people get into relationship with high expectations and assume they can change the shortcomings of their partners. The moment they realise it's a tall order they seek refuge in their comfort zones. There is a saying that goes like this 'the devil is in the detail'. if one can take considerable time to unmask the detail and gauge whether it is good enough, i guess intimacy will be very scarce to those dissapointed ladies out there. Take time and you'll have intimacy for a lifetime.

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Well best of luck to you Laugh Sailor, and I look forward to your great comments and advice in the future on the blogs. By the way, I'm sure you already know we have some great females on the blogs. Tap a couple of them on the shoulder sometimes and say a private hello :) You never know...you great lady may be right here waiting for you!

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Thank you, Jade, Coco and Kevin for the compliments (Kevin, I'm in the same place you are!). I'm writing here to give potential dates a feel for my thoughts, as well as taking advantage of the opportunity to organize my thoughts. I'm truly flattered I have been able to shed some light on issues I'm fascinated with and learning about - Communication in relationships and dating is awkward for the very reasons we fit together as couples: We need that other kind of strength, supporting us but compassion, trust, a genuine, loving desire and above all, omnipresent communication are needed to understand our mates.
Though I love writing and am working on a romance novel, I do not think I'm qualified to write an advice column: I have no mental health or sociological credentials and have a difficult time finding a gal who is right for me. Granted, she's a rare and wonderful woman (Anyone know a gal who wants to live the life of Jaques Cousteau?) but I am humble in my search for love. I greatly admire Ria's energy and thoughtfulness in these blogs and am glad to be able to add a little here and there to her public discussions, which I feel are often desperately needed in our society, in general: We are a society of public debate. I am also quite happy making beautiful wood cabinets and other stuff, mostly for boats, for a living.

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I have to agree with laugh_sailor. Alot of times I find that women especially find the same type of man. It happens with us too, but I see it alot more in women. Instead of taking a step back and redefining what they want they simply damn the torpedos and full speed ahead. I am guilty of looking and finding the same type of women. I am changing that though. No woman yet, but maybe that's a good thing. On a profile I have I wrote that I always seem to date the same woman. The name, height, weight and location change, but it is the same woman. I had to take a step back and examine what it was that I was doing wrong that lead me to these women. I said "I" because the women I was meeting are who they are and they are not going to change. People will show you early on who they are, we just have to be able to see it and not be blinded by love/lust. I have female friends who seem to always get caught up with the wrong one and of course as a male friend they come to me with "WHY?" Remember laugh_sailor talking about Einstein? If you do the same thing over and over and expect a different result then.......

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I could be way off in my diagnosis here but I don't think I am because I've seen this behavior on both sides way too many times.
Short answer: You're going out with the wrong men. I really wish you would stop that! There are plenty of exciting men leading terrific lives who are looking for decent women who want genuinely intimate and dynamic relationships. I'm one of them!
Long answer: What I see happening is that what you know is satisfying for you (devoted intimacy) in the long term repels you initially. Chemistry rules the day at first and because the easiest, quickest way to get that chemistry is to go for bad boys, you have formed a habit of only looking for them. They are by definition incapable of genuine, lasting love so after the initial passion wears off, you find there really was nothing there. And then you repeat the process, becoming more jaded.
Hint: Do you remember Einstein's definition of insanity? Doing the same thing expecting different results?
Solution: Take a step back and read your own profile. Get involved with the things you like doing, make sure the basic character traits you value are clearly shown in both your profile and in those you're interested in and look for commonalities in your prospective mates. Build the relationship the way you probably state in your profile: Friends, slowly getting to know each other. That base of commradeship is really important and will do much to support your relationship. And actually meet guys that look like they are good matches! Call them! Write nice little notes! We love that! Though I write well, I can be stilted in print, awkward on the phone but I am usually relaxed in person because I open up easiest when I have the most direct connection.
So take that step back when you see a cute guy and look at the kind of person he is. It's probably obvious but you have to be objective and purposeful in looking for his values. You'll find the chemistry is greater than ever with someone who shares your passions and values. It grows, as Dr. Frankenfurter in The Rocky Horror Picture Show said, with antici...
pation.
Award-Winning Tip: Decent guys are direct and greatly appreciate frank communication. Avoid testing us because it's essentially dishonest and will scare decent guys off. Just ask what you want, directly. It's ok - We'll be glad you are forthright with your concerns and will open up to you quickly. Well, the players and bad boys will just tease, use and dump you but that's all they do anyway. Aren't they exciting and satisfying?
Notes: It's a lot harder to find a mate this way but I think it actually saves a lot of time in avoiding clinging to relationships that can't go anywhere because we're simply incompatible with something. I also think poor communication plays a large part in the behavior you've experienced: Most people (Yes, women too!) avoid talking about perceived problems and this, along with other poor communication habits, just sets them up for trouble. Communication is really the path for the intimacy you speak of.
I hope I've given you the insights you're looking for and am looking forward to learning from others in this discussion.

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I have to disagree with some of this. I always go after nice guys, I'm not into thugs at all and I have experienced this pulling away from 2 guys I thought really cared about me. It does make me think men are afraid of intimacy. It seemed as soon as everything was going really well they just pulled away for no particular reason. I'm friends with one of the guys now and he said he pulled away because he was afraid since everything was going so well. This makes no sense since women usually want to be with a guy that's good to them. This is so confusing and it makes it hard to figure out if a guy really cares about you or if it's just a game. I think some men are just interested when you're not interested and as soon as they have you they are no longer interested. I have some exes that are good in the beginning, then they change and when I move on they want me back. Guys are definitely confusing.