The Definitive Definition of Baddie

Like everyone who went online in the late ’90 and early ’00s, I preferred to have an Internet handle instead of traversing the deepest, darkest corners of the World Wide Web using my real name. I used several cheesy code names before I settled on “Big Baddie”, which I then shortened to “Baddie”. The big bad supervillain, that’s how I wanted to be known online. One badass macho mofo.

Just like this guy.

I enjoyed how cool it sounded at the time, but after a few years, it became corny. Then somehow, it became neither cool nor corny — it just became my plain, boring Internet name that people also tend to use offline. I thought the worst was over. Little did I know that in the early ’10s, “baddie” would take on a whole new different meaning.

Black girls like Nicole over here started mentioning me on Tumblr (R.I.P.) and Twitter. From seeing wacky tweets from my wacky Internet friends, as well as random images of Skeletor dedicated to me by weirdos from Tumblr, I suddenly began seeing sassy and sexy messages from black girls. Apparently, “baddie” now means “sexy sassy girl” or something. Just ask Beyonce’s Instagram.

That’s just wrong, bros. I promote my Twitter handle whenever and wherever I can — including my CV. Just imagine a potential employer checking out my social media cred. They’d be like “Hey, let’s check out this dude’s social media cred. It’s @baddie, right? Let’s see what we’ve got here,” and then BAM! They see tweets involving black dudes and my non-existent vagina.

I consulted Urban Dictionary, one of the most trusted sources of information online, for some insight into the new meaning of “baddie”. Last I checked, “baddie” meant “an evil bad dude in a video game.” Here’s how UD defines “baddie” now:

One whose video game performance is subpar.

A very attractive woman.

Term describing a fan of Canadian musician Bryan Adams.

Really? I tried so hard to make “Baddie” synonymous to awesome villains like Dr. Doom, but the rest of the world decided to make it a term of endearment for sassy black girls, a stupid name for people who suck at video games, and an inexplicable way to describe Bryan Adams fans. Really? Screw that noize.

Here’s a new definition — THE definitive definition — of “baddie”: A name that will no longer be used by Gino Carteciano because screw you guys, you all suck.