10.03.2006

as I may have stated before, it is always my first inclination to run when things get too overwhelming. not far, just far enough so that I feel like I'm away from the tentacles of the problem at hand. not long, just long enough so that I feel like I'm not drowning. nothing crazy, just crazy enough to feel accomplished. it's necessary for me to feel like I've done something on my own, to prove to myself that I can. it also gives me good perspective on the things that drove me out to begin with. and, I get as close to relaxing as I possibly can get when I'm away and alone.

we found out recently that our car is leased. I'm not paying a car payment, I'm paying a lease payment. and the lease expires in march. I drive alot. I enjoy driving. when I can't get away to someplace far enough, I drive. and drive. and drive. it clears my head and helps me to calm down. my lease allows for 12k miles a year. I've had the car since march 2003. I have 59k miles currently. that's 17k+ miles over my allotment. the rate for overage is $.15/mile. if I were to stop driving today, I'd owe over $2500 just to get out of the lease...only for mileage. that would entail me finding rides to everywhere for the next 5 months. I have front end damage from that fender bender I had a few weeks ago and the car is just not holding up well, so I'd either have to go through the expense of fixing everything or be assessed wear and tear on the car and pay that amount as well as the overage.

the other option is to buy the car for $8k in march. that would mean a new loan, new rate, possible increase in car payment. the car's blue book value as of today, with no additional miles, is $7300.

sometimes it's just the idea of getting away that helps me to cope. that I could move a few things around and have the kids watched and go somewhere. now, there's no one to pick up the slack with babysitting, there's no money to spend on this, and to top it off, I can't in good conscience drive my car to the local 7-11 let alone to montreal. this makes me feel trapped and panicked. and resentful. and sad. and closed off.

one by one, I've watched people and opportunities fall out of my life. I feel like I have very little outlets anymore. and now one less.

in other news, vastly more important news, bella peed on the potty for the first time. at daycare. bittersweet, both for the deed to be done at daycare and for it to be done at all. my baby is growing up. but I am proud of her and excited for her. it was more a right-place-right-time kind of thing, but she was still very happy for herself. but I think going to the 3-d movies (the imax movie was 3-d, though we didn't know it when we bought the tickets) trumps all still. when I asked her about peeing on the potty, she said "yeah! and I go to the move-it!" (she calls movies move-its, getting it confused with her favorite movie, which she calls move-it because of the theme song...the movie is madagascar.)

and in trent news, vastly more important than me going wherever, he has been invited to apply to be in the national junior honor society. he had to write a short essay, get 3 recommendations from teachers, and fill out a form. he has to hand it in today. of course, he waited till the last minute to ask the teachers for the recommendations so it all hinges on whether or not they remembered to bring them in today...but I hope they did, because (after a long lecture) he really did put alot of himself in the application and I hope he at least gets to hand it in, if not make the society itself.

6
validations:

God girl. I feel you. Im going through my own crisis right now and I wish I could just run. I decided to stick around and work it out. This is the hardest thing I have ever done. I know it will make me a stronger person, blah blah blah, but it still sucks. And hurts. I wish I was your Bella, where I got excited about peeing on the potty. God if life was only so easy. Hang in there. Just remember the storm will end sometime.

I can't believe those rotten crooks tricked you into a lease. I have seen that happen to people before and there ought to be a law against it. They should be required to tell you that it is a lease and use that term explicitly. Try not to feel too bad about it.

I can't believe that on top of all your other crap, you have this car thing going on. The one thing that represents a break from everything is causing so much trouble. I've heard such horror stories about leasing, and it sounds like you're in the same boat.

Good for Bella and Trent. They're both so bright and they're going to go so far.

I too wish that peeing on the potty would make my day. Wouldn't that be great?

I wanted to mention on your earlier post about Trent not doing things that he reminded me of the kids I surveyed for my master's thesis and dissertation. I needed consent forms signed by at least one parent for each child (8th and 11th graders) to participate. I had such trouble getting forms back. All of the kids would tell me that they wanted to do the survey, their parents didn't care if they did the survey, but the forgot the form in their locker. Could they do it anyway? Of course, I had to say "no" due to federal legal and ethical issues. Trent really reminded me of that with his application and letters of recommendation.