The Great Sex Toy Crime Wave

Every New Ager tattooed with a yin and/or yang knows that balance is the way of the Universe. And while this balance can inspire many a moment of peaceful reflection, in the world of sex toys it means that unfortunately, for every quiet, upstanding and responsible night spent in with a vibrator, there’s always going to be some woman bashing a cop in the face with a dildo. So as sex toys continue their march towards omnipresence, the recent large, phallic spike in sex toy crimes should come as no surprise.

Bomb squads have important things to do and blow up – spare them the anguish of defusing your Rabbit by removing the batteries the next time you ship your vibrator overseas.

A village in China was recently confounded by a prosthetic vagina its residents unearthed in the course of digging a well, and interpreted as a mystical mushroom. As you can imagine, everyone involved ended up with large prosthetic egg on their faces. There are many lessons to be learned from this, but the key one would be to keep your sex toys in a safe place.