03/25/2015

* okay, I am actually in not a bad mood right now, but this topic, man.

As with the Moon/Saturn man, the Moon/Saturn woman probably had a difficult relationship with her mother. She was either responsible for her mother, or did not have access to her mother’s unconditional nurturing. Her emotional expression was frozen in childhood, and a shell was constructed around it. We have the lady who is cool and controlled on the outside, but starving for hugs on the inside.

Much as I gagged at "starving for hugs on the inside," I can't really argue with it either. "Responsible for her mother" is definitely the case. My mom is actually rather overnurturing, but if she's upset she can't nurture and then things aren't pretty.

"In a woman’s chart, this aspect also creates a hard boundary between her mother (as primary female role model) and herself. This is true whether she is gay or straight. Saturn’s limits create distance, which can result in a woman who is not comfortable expressing the Moon’s energies of care and nurturing. Any resentment she feels for her mother is internalized, so she ends up resenting her own “softer” instincts. She is the partner who may refuse, point blank, to take on anything that remotely resembles a nurturing role. "

Yup. I did not go the "Super Mother" route she mentions (my mom has Moon/Saturn and did, though), I am totally anti-cooking, anti-cleaning beyond the bare minimum I have to do in life. I don't "make a nice home," I rarely have people over and when I do it's stressful as hell to have someone (usually Mom) complaining in my space about how she doesn't like anything. I pretty much think this dooms me out of getting married, but then again, ain't nobody wanting to either. I'm not even sure if I want to--it's more like I could get married but I don't want to have to be The Wife either.

The other extreme can result as well, as she becomes the Super Mother, focusing all her emotional energy on her children and domestic concerns. Sometimes her partner can take the place of a child, and he or she becomes the obsessive focus. Saturn can overcompensate when something is denied; this is an ambitious planet, with nurturing becoming a goal that must be achieved.

Yup, my mom is Super Mom and hence why I'm her partner, like it or not, these days now that she's single.

No matter how this aspect manifests, the key for Ms. Moon/Saturn is to differentiate between what she feels about herself and what she feels about her mother. This can be challenging, especially with a Moon/Saturn conjunction (where the two energies are fused). But it’s essential for her to use Saturn’s focus to draw boundaries. These aren’t boundaries between herself and her partner, or herself and her instincts, but between herself and her experience of her mother. This will lead her to a place of emotional maturity that does not involve denial or overcompensation.

Yeah, I have no idea how one does that (I have the square, Mom has opposition). I mean, much as I like to read astrological advice, I usually have no effing idea how to DO it.

But in a woman’s chart, Venus/Saturn also has a tremendous impact on her vision of herself as beautiful and worthy of love. Venus’ energy of self-worth, attraction and value is refracted through Saturn’s cold lens. This woman just knows, on a deep level, that she is neither attractive nor worthwhile. It doesn’t matter if she receives positive messages from friends and lovers. The message she received when she was young overrides everything else.

Yeah...well, I think I'm average to cute, which is fine. I'm not to most people's taste, but then again most people aren't to mine either so that's rarely a problem.

When Saturn’s overachieving energies kick in, Ms. Venus/Saturn can chain herself to a partner out of duty, even if (and usually because) he or she makes her miserable. If Ms. Venus/Saturn does not consider herself worthy of happiness, she will be drawn to a relationship where she is not happy.

And that's a good reason to never get married there.

At the other extreme, there is the Venus/Saturn cliche of the single woman, isolated for years from all romantic partnerships.

Yup!

The truth is, the only thing preventing Venus/Saturn from being in a relationship is herself. While being single may seem preferable to opening herself up to pain, it’s the risk of pain (and possible rejection) that is the lesson all Venus/Saturn women must learn. The first go-round (in childhood) was not the actual lesson, it was the introduction. Most people experience the bitterness of that introduction, but then forge ahead anyway, working their way through the more advanced lessons. But the Venus/Saturn woman aborted her education at the introductory phase. The full lesson of love is this: despite pain, rejection and ugly moments, loving someone also leads to beauty, joy and ecstasy. Venus/Saturn tries to separate the desirable experiences from the hurtful ones, but they are all part of the same, non-negotiable package.

The Venus/Saturn woman has to dig beneath Venus’ surface. Shadow Venus is covered in the brittle shell of appearance, and painted with the hard reflection of worth assigned by other people. Saturn crystallizes this, creating a superficial barrier that blocks Venus’ deeper truths: genuine beauty rooted in self-worth, self-love and values that are not compromised. The Venus/Saturn woman must access these truths, which will only happen once she opens herself up to what fears the most – vulnerability in love. Once she does this, she can manifest her Venus/Saturn strengths. These formidable qualities include rock solid self-esteem, independence that is based on confidence (not fear) and the ability to commit herself completely to a loving, healthy relationship.

Eh....you know, I don't think "she wasn't vulnerable" was the issue with me. My exes generally complained that I was Too Much. Too needy, too clingy, too naggy in the case of the one who didn't like working. I have had to learn to hold myself back and not go overboard with wanting attention because I stupidly thought that was okay to do in an official relationship and I had permission. I'm not a believer in that whole "Cool Girl" thing bitched about in Gone Girl because I've never been cool, but I probably should have been doing more of that being "laid back" thing I do now than I did then.

At this point I am pretty much like, fuck it. I'm married to Mom whether I like it or not, anyone else can easily bail especially when they don't like that aspect of life, and it's not worth the fights, especially when I don't like anyone and haven't in over a decade. Nobody is missing out on a wonderful opportunity to partner with a nondomestic, non-nurturing, childfree woman whose mother is frequently in and out of her business too much.

03/17/2015

I have the wrong gender for this, but otherwise I have both of these and relate.

It's a hard knocks day on the blog, apparently.

"Hard aspects between his Moon and Saturn indicate a loyalty to his mother, underscored by the burden of that loyalty. She may have been unwilling or unable to provide complete nurturing, so he learned that it wasn’t acceptable to need the comfort and security that every child is entitled to. At the same time, she may have depended on him for more than a child is meant to provide. It’s possible that he is still responsible for her in some way."

"I see this a lot in the behavior patterns of those with Saturn retrograde—they are unsure about themselves, unsure about the whole boundary issue thing, unsure about how much they should do for others, and when to say no. They can get imposed on."

Yeah, I have Saturn retrograde and I totally fit this description. If I had a dollar for every time someone gave me the boundaries lecture.... to which I say, so what do you do with someone who doesn't respect boundaries even when you are screaming at them to stop for months on end?

You kind of learn that you can't stop someone who wants to keep coming, that's what. You learn that "boundaries" don't matter and aren't respected, so why waste your breath and time trying to stop a bulldozer?

"A good example of how Saturn retrograde works and how it doesn’t is seen in the chart of a woman with Saturn rising and direct. When she was a young child she clearly understood boundaries. She was quiet in school and never caused any trouble at all. The class bully got in back of her in line one day on the way to the cafeteria and made a big mistake. He grabbed her braids and started yanking her head. She spun around without a word, swung on him, and bloodied his nose. Then, still without a word, she turned back and resumed walking. He, on the other hand, squawked loudly, crying that he’d been mortally injured.This is not the behavior of a retrograde Saturn child. A Saturn retrograde child might have gotten upset but would probably immediately appeal to the teacher (the authority figure) for help and expect the teacher to handle the issue.Retrograde Saturns are sometimes picked on because they aren’t sure if they should defend themselves or if they have the right to do so, and if so, how far they can go.A direct Saturn child has no problem with those concerns at all. The line was crossed. Period.

Retrograde Saturn children may not know where the line is."

Now this hits home because I was a bullied child (I know, you're so shocked to hear it) and I had no effing idea how to deal with it. I didn't tattle to a teacher or my parents or anybody. I was the one that got in trouble for being bullied, of course, because it was my fault for oh, existing or something. Oh, excuse me, existing while shy because they held me back a year for being socially undeveloped. By all means, explain to me how one socially develops when every other kid they know hates them.

And another thought: it's the boundaries issue again. You learn early on that you can't stop a bully, and other people don't give a shit about stopping a bully for you, so...that's just what is going to happen to you.

In the incredibly unlikely event that I'd ever have children, I would home school them or find a tutor or a home school program (they exist where I live) and keep them the hell away from other children as long as I could. Any kid I'd have would be instabait.

"The retrograde condition almost always points to difficulty with the rules of life, for one reason or another. Women with this position may find themselves seeking parental approval endlessly, working harder than necessary, longer hours, never saying No when asked to do the extra job or assume the added responsibility. Sometimes this develops excessive deference to men. They canwear themselves out this way and never really get either approval or credit for all that effort. I have been amazed at how many Saturn retrograde women are in support roles on the job. This is Saturn duty carried to an extreme.Sometimes they are denied the authority to do their jobs or to obtain jobs that have authority because they are seen as soft or as supporters, not leaders, by management. They try very hard to fit whatever role management wants and be seen as team players. This can be undermined by a poorly placed Saturn. Some women eventually just decide they don’t want the aggravation of it all. They may blame themselves unduly for their failures. "

Hm, yeah, this is fairly close to my job. I don't want to be a leader (oh god no), but I have a lot of issues with trying to fit what is wanted of me and then I'm always told that no matter what I try I'm still not what they want. Sigh.

02/28/2015

People with ANY astrological stuff in their chart at 29 Scorpio to 4 Sagittarius – that area is bathing in the cool pure blue-ultraviolet rays of Saturn. Are you bidding a not-so-fond farewell to delusion? Devising fierce goals? Erecting sold boundaries where once there were merely a few wispy, barely visible flimsy marker lines?"

02/06/2015

"Saturn’s limits clamp down on your needs (Moon) and wants (Venus). This quite often means that what you want or need is denied. You are turned back onto yourself, forced to find comfort and meaning within yourself. Saturn turns your focus away from others, because during these transits, others can’t or won’t provide comfort/attention/validation/security.

It’s up to you. This could be the mantra of Saturn transits. You’re supposed to dig deep and become self-sufficient. Or work for what you want. But when depression hits, it can be immensely difficult to muster up the motivation to work for anything more than pulling the covers off yourself in the morning. Saturn’s limits can be so heavy that they flatten you."

Yeah. I am so flat and tired and drug out these days, and a lot of people aren't helping. I had one friend give me shit for most of the day because I wasn't being perky and cheerful and none of her other friends were either. Gee, could it be because we're all worried about jobs and money? Come on. Meanwhile I am broke and trying to figure out how I'm going to move because I can't really afford my apartment any more and probably never will make any more than I do now in my life. Everything sucks. Why does everything have to suck?

01/14/2015

I was watching Parks and Recreation last night and April is hating boring adulthood and her boring job doing whatever it is. So Ben had her take a career aptitude test, which was as helpful as they ever are, i.e. not. Then he took her to tour a funeral home and she was disappointed to find out that she'd have to do two more years of school + an internship and it'd be three years of more paperwork, which is what she'd be doing at her current job anyway....

Yeah. Adulthood sucks and you can't do anything to stop it from eating your soul, honey.