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Friday, December 31, 2010

because it feels like magic is in the air! something about the start of a new year feels refreshing... like you can do anything! the possibilities are endless! it's exciting to think of what may come! i love odd numbers so i am so happy it is almost 2011!!!!!!! new years feels like a fresh start.... a new chapter... an exciting beginning! it feels positive, and happy!

i used to travel and go to a diff city or state each new years eve to party.. i miss doing that. i love how nye feels like it is a magic present full of surprise and promise... all you have to do is unwrap it!

do you like new years?

i wish you all a magical and wonderful 2011 that is full of answers to dreams, promises and fulfillment. even when the road gets hard and it hurts, i hope the outcome leads you to a better tomorrow.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

it's weird how not working completely zaps my brain and makes me feel as if i have nothing of worth to write about on my blog. i know, i know, cause my blog was SO worthy when i actually had a job. shut it.

at least i felt productive and inspired and like i had a freaking life. i did things like actually LEAVE THE HOUSE everyday when i had a job. and no, it wasn't to take or pick the kid(s) up from school.

my book is in the middle/end of some interesting rewrites per the suggestions of my brilliant friends who have read the first version. all of their feedback has been incredible, and i've totally agreed with them when they've said they needed more in certain parts. hence.... writing more. but i'm ready to sum it all up, stop the rewrites, read through it one last time, and start hounding the agents again.

this getting an agent thing is hard. but we all knew that already, didn't we?

timing is everything and i truly believe that in the case of the type of book that mine is... that saying couldn't be more true.

we think we got declined for our home loan remodification. but you know, they told us to let them know if our financial situation changes. LET THEM KNOW IF IT CHANGES? so pretty much.. LET THEM KNOW IF IT GETS WORSE. thanks for the fucking help, assholes. i love how that the main income provider of the household loses their job, and we barely bring home enough money to cover everything.... but we should let them know if our situation changes.

sweet.

i firmly believe these places do not want to help you. have i mentioned how many times they have "lost" our paperwork???? and how many times i had to send things over because our COMPLETE file, was suddenly "incomplete?" also, can i mention that i would only get fax #'s to reach people, and when i sent a fax asking them to please call me because i had questions, NO ONE would call. awesome. thanks for the help. thanks for caring. THANKS FOR TRYING TO HELP US MODIFY OUR HOME LOAN SO WE CAN CONTINUE PAYING OUR MORTGAGE TO YOU.

it makes me feel like they don't take you seriously until you stop paying. oh, you have money in your joint savings account? then you have money to pay your mortgage. oh, that money is for your $6000 property taxes that are due? and both of your cars are over 10 years old and on the verge of falling apart (but we don't have money saved for that)? over $1000 is for your homeowner's insurance? we don't care WHAT it's for, all we know is that you have money. so you can pay. you don't need our help. go fuck yourselves and good luck with the job search.

there is a small part of me that feels like me losing my job isn't their fault, or their responsibility. they aren't a fucking charity. i get it. but i just feel like with all that's gone on in the housing market these past couple of years, that they would WANT to help people stay in their homes. it makes me lose even more faith that humanity when it comes to giant corporations and business. they are greedy and don't care about people. they care about the money they make, the money they can continue to make, and worry about losing money.......... not the people involved in ANY aspect of those things.

it's disgusting and makes me sick. and also makes me thankful that i currently don't work for someone like that. because i'd rather be unemployed than work for a company who only cares about the bottom line.

maybe this is part of the reason why i'm still jobless. i need to work somewhere that does something better. that cares about people. that truly makes a difference and makes you feel good about what you do. and i certainly haven't found that yet. i guess we'll see.

now go read something that WILL make you feel good and warm your heart. jenny is rad. but the people who commented and read her blog are just as rad. cause this was an explosion of goodness and awesomeness by blogkind. :) holiday giving at its finest.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

the holiday's really are almost here... (and soon they'll be gone). which is sad. i love this time of year. i love making sugar cookie cutouts and frosting them. snickerdoodles... chocolate covered pretzel rods.. peanut butter and chocolate balls... omg, and fudge! i feel like i haven't eaten or made fudge in forever!!!! (granted,i haven't made all these yet, but um... talking about them is making medrool)

goodies!

i love to bake goodies that make everyone i love fat! lol

but i was wondering... what are your holiday must makes? what do you make this time of year that you normally don't make at any other??

or what does someone else make this time of year, that you look forward too? for me, i LOVE my mother in law's salt cookies! holy heck, they're delish!!!!!

Monday, December 13, 2010

this is the time of year for giving... we tend to go out of our way to do something nice for others right now.

i came across this website the other day, and i have been meaning to post about it. it's called BE A SANTA TO A SENIOR. i think that we tend to focus on the needy children and families (which is unbelievably kind and generous and super rad), but we totally forget about our senior citizens.

when i read this website, i cried. everything makes me cry lately. for some reason, i'm an emotional basket case (no, i'm not pregnant). anyway, there are apparently a lot of senior citizens who don't have any family or anyone around them. some of them go the entire year without getting a single gift. that makes me so sad. here is part of the main story on their website:

"In 2006, Be a Santa to a Senior volunteers visited a local nursingfacility and distributed gifts to a number of residents, including one87-year-old woman whom we'll call Mary. She was pleased to receive her gift andthanked us profusely, but it wasn't until we returned to give Mary another giftin 2007 that we recognized the true value of Be a Santa to a Senior.When weentered Mary's room for our second visit, we noticed that the only card on herbulletin board was the Be a Santa to a Senior card from the previous year. As wespoke with her caregivers we found out that our Christmas card and gift were theonly items she had received throughout the year. Mary re-read the card regularlyto help keep that memory alive."

so, i went to the website and found out if there were any stores in my area participating in the program, and there were! i found the holiday tree and chose 2 seniors off of it. and i'm really hoping that what i got them makes them smile. it feels good to do something for other people. and for whatever reason, it feels good to do something for the people we all tend to forget about.

Wednesday, December 08, 2010

i am certain i've talked about this before. but it's been awhile. it's time to bring it up again...

do you ask the parents of your children's friends if they own guns? i mean, if your child is going to spend time at someone's house, do you ask?

because i haven't been asking. because i STUPIDLY assume that people don't freaking have guns in their homes. and i also STUPIDLY assume that if they do, they're locked up.

but that isn't always the case. and sometimes, you learn that there are guns in the homes of the people your child spends time with. and also, that those guns aren't locked up. and that the kids who live in the home, know where the guns are, and know how to get them.

i just have to say that i am so thankful to have such an honest, good hearted, smart, rational child. and i'm even more thankful that when a potential deadly situation presented itself in his presence, he had the frame of mind to walk away and tell an adult.

i know we always tell our kids to do just that in those kinds of situations, but i honestly think it's harder to do than we realize. you have to go against what your friends are doing, and "rat" them out. and while i can sit here and say i'd rather blake be a rat, than have a friend dead from a gunshot wound.... it's easy for me to say that because i'm an adult.

i will admit that i don't know the entire story of the guns in the home. maybe they are unloaded. maybe they have trigger locks. what i do know is that they are in a place where kids can get to them. and show them to their friends. and that makes me more than a little uncomfortable.

Wednesday, December 01, 2010

i'm having a problem. since i've apparently turned into a runner when i workout... wait, let's be serious. i'm more of a speed walker slash jogger. i don't really "run" per se. anyway... my feet are freaking killing me in both pairs of sneakers i own.

one pair makes my feet feel like they're on fire, they get so freaking hot. and they squish my toes together and eventually start to really fucking hurt while i'm running.

the other pair is lighter and more breathable, but also hurts my toes.

maybe my feet are defective?

since i've never really had to shop for good running shoes, i have no idea what i'm supposed to be looking for. how should they feel on my feet? what should they do? and how do you know that they'll work in the long run just from trying them on for 10 seconds in a store??

Monday, November 29, 2010

for me to find a job. i know everyone who knows me, thought the same thing. oh no worries, you'll only be unemployed for a little bit.

i think part of me thought the same thing. most likely because i've NEVER been without a job before. and i've always been able to get one when i wanted/needed one.

this time is very, very different. now i'm "over-qualified"... or they're concerned that the job i'm applying for is so far out of the norm for me, that i'll "be extremely bored and unchallenged." but those things- they're if i get a call at all. from every job that has reached out to me in response to my resume, they've told me that they have been completely overwhelmed at the number of responses they are getting for their job ad. they tell me that people with all sorts of backgrounds and degrees are applying for positions they would never normally apply for.

the thing is, i feel like a fucking loser not working.

it doesn't matter how many things i do throughout the day... or what i accomplish... since i'm not out of the house, bringing home a paycheck, i feel like a complete waste of space. i could save every homeless puppy in my city, but if i didn't get paid for it, i'd still feel like i totally suck.

i probably wouldn't feel so damn terrible about it all, if money wasn't an issue. right? right. but since we need my paycheck... i feel fucking ridiculous not working. i feel guilty for everything i do. sleeping? why the hell should i be tired? i don't fucking work. get out of bed. but then, get out of bed and DO WHAT???? feel guilty for sitting around the house and NOT WORKING???!?

i think maybe i'm finally starting to crack. ha

i just hate the way not having a job makes me feel. because it wasn't my choice to leave (but i am so fucking thankful to be gone) and it's not my choice right now to not have a job. i keep trying.... and nothing is working out.

i know that there's a lesson, or a message in here somewhere. i know i should see it. it's just hard. i mean, i am thankful that we still have a home and i am so thankful that i get to spend time with blake and take him to/from school everyday. i love that. but it's hard to enjoy it when you're stressed about everything else. it's hard to really just be thankful, when nothing about the situation makes you feel that way.

i know i'm not the only one in this position. it's just all new to me. and it doesn't feel good.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

so we all know how overly excited i get for movies for come out. and then typically, i'm disappointed. i have to preface this post by letting y'all know that i have not read a single harry potter book. i really do want too. but i just haven't... yet. and maybe that's most of my problem. ha

WARNING- SPOILERS AHEAD

i was beyond thrilled to see this movie. beyond thrilled. i even convinced boyfriend to go during opening weekend and tolerate the whispering and annoyances of constantly chatting teenage girls (who i eventually had to turn around and tell to shut the hell up).

so, the movie. i don't know. it was kind of.... boring? i was kind of bored. i mean, i'm not used to a harry potter movie with very little action, and that's what that one was. also, it's not as much fun if they aren't at hogwarts. it's weird seeing all those characters in "normal" places like the beach and sitting in sand with tall grass blowing around them. it's like my brain can't process that this is a harry potter movie or something. i seriously wonder how necessary this was to have that be an entire movie all on its own. couldn't we have fit all of that information into 45 minutes and then tacked it onto the last movie? a three hour movie isn't unheard of these days, so what the hell? how much of that drawn out, let's sit in a tent some more, was needed?

i feel like a lot of things were explained, but still.. not a lot happened. and what was up with the super emotional burial of dobie... but the completely looked over, and barely mentioned death of mad eye moody? in the opening fight scenes in the sky, why didn't we see more? why weren't we shown how he died? they only briefly mentioned it (which i didn't even understand WHO they said died for the first three times they said it) and then just moved along. i thought that kind of sucked. i would have liked to have seen the fight scene, or whatever it was that killed him. and then had people actually care, or be upset that he was killed. sure it was sad that dobie died, but i haven't seen that character in so long, i kind of cared less.

another thing? harry potter isn't as fun when it's just the three characters the whole time. in all honesty, they aren't that entertaining all by themselves (although there was good humor and ron is awesome). i missed neville... and everyone else. it's more fun when it's a group of them... and um, what the hell was up with the freaking harry/hermoime porn kissing scene?? jesus. talk about uncomfortable. why did they have to be naked when they were fake making out?!?! ew.

also... i feel like scenes that were shown in the movie trailer, didn't even happen in this movie. or am i totally wrong?

so yeah. i'm still excited for the next movie, but mostly because it's supposed to be action the whole time. which clearly, i need.

Monday, November 22, 2010

skin care rx... the website where i buy my face wash products (the m2 product line)... and where i get my replacement discs for my home micro-dermabrasian kit (which i still totally love by the way) is having a sale. well, it's a private sale for friends and family only. you know the kind. anyway, i wanted to pass along these savings to you, because for as long as i've been involved with this website, i've never seen a 25% discount before. i've never seen more than 15% to be honest.

so head on over to the skinmedica and put in the code: FF25*Excludes some brands.Expires Dec. 1, 2010

i'm heading over there right now because i'm out of 1 thing and i really want to try some kinerase product!!! :)

Monday, November 15, 2010

hey everyone.. so this is the year in travel baseball where the team goes to cooperstown for a tournament in the summer! it's the one thing we've all been looking forward too since we started been playing for the team.

but now the time is here... and well, it's at a hefty cost. financially anyway. so we're trying to come up with ideas and ways we can raise money to help deflect some of the cost so we can all go. the hot moms and i want to make a calender for fun. we know a bunch of people who would buy them, but we need to do more than just sell ridiculously hot and scantily clad pictures of ourselves. ha...

i'm going to design a bunch of little products and try to get those sold too, but what else could we do? how else could we make a significant amount of money for the team? i need your ideas! have you done fundraising before? what worked? what didn't?

Friday, November 12, 2010

i am working on my book more. i am adding more depth to it.. more story.. more events.. more more more! it's making it better. they aren't super long additions, but they are additions i should have done in the first place. i know that when i didn't do them, it was because i didn't want to write them in that sort of detail. i was lazy and probably tired, you know? so i didn't. i summed entire things up in a few paragraphs. there are some parts of the book where that's okay, but there are other parts that NEED more. so i'm writing those. so as of right now, i feel like my book has gone back from being done... to not.

but i think it's all part of the writing process. i have a love/hate relationship with my book. but i still love my characters and the story they're living.

still crossing my fingers that someone will take a chance on me, request the whole manuscript (when it's REfinished that is) and sign me to their agency. i want an agent! it is weird being on this side of the fence. where i'm the one hoping and praying that someone will see something special in me, take a chance, and believe in me. i'm usually on the other side of the fence, where people are asking me for the chance (casting/acting), or asking me for advice on how to get an agent, what to do, etc. like i've said before, i have always made sure that i have been more than gracious to everyone in that position because it's how i would want to be treated. maybe karma can kick into gear now?

otherwise, trying to find a "real" job is a complete and total bitch. it is so absurd, it's laughable. i can't even talk about it without laughing. the fact that i'm "overqualified" for everything i apply for is beyond irritating. and by that, they just think i'd be bored. the whole point is, i wouldn't have applied to your job if i thought i'd be bored. why can't you let ME decide if i'll be bored or not? i love how people just make assumptions for you that impact your life.

i'm still positive, happy and i have faith that all of this is happening for some greater purpose and some grander reason. i'll be honest when i tell you that i'm not entirely sure what either of those things ARE, but i'm trusting that my life is currently unfolding in the manner it's supposed to. it's the only thing that keeps me sane.

Thursday, November 04, 2010

one of the first things i did when i got laid off was contact the bank who has our home loans, and do the tons of paperwork required to try to get our loan modified, under the new program. granted, i still have NO idea what the program entails.

anyway... when i hadn't heard back, i called. they explained the process to me and that things take up to 3 months to get an answer. i remember thinking at the time, how ridiculous 3 months sounded. and that they probably just hope your situation changes within that time frame so you won't qualify for the program anymore.

i called 3 months ago and our paperwork was in the last phase. and i was informed that i should have an answer soon. but then i never heard. so i called again and the person on the phone told me that all our stuff was just sitting there.

just.sitting.there.

it had gone to the last place it needed to go for a decision, and then hadn't gone anywhere else. she was apologizing profusely, but i was livid. it's been 7 months since i filed that paperwork. 7 months without a job. 7 months since i first asked for help.

and the paperwork is just SITTING THERE???

this is why i hate banks. i'm so pissed off. they don't want to fucking help us. they don't give a shit about us. the same way they didn't give a shit about us when they were approving us for our home loan in the first place. i remember them telling us how much we were approved for and i almost spit. they were insane. no wonder people got into trouble. it was a good thing we didn't listen to them. there was NO WAY IN HELL we could have ever afforded what they said we could have. i blame them fully for the real estate crisis we're in now.

we NEED help. and they are doing nothing to help us. paperwork is sitting there. and we're just waiting to hear if we QUALIFY for some program. and if we do, it's only a temporary qualification or some shit. i don't even know what the home modification program entails? i'm sure they aren't doing charity work and just forgiving loans amounts. the truth is, it's probably not even really helpful at all in the long run.

the most jacked up part about all this bank shit, is that we don't even qualify for certain kinds of help because we keep paying our mortgage. we would only qualify once we stopped.

Sunday, October 31, 2010

someone asked me that this morning and i honestly didn't have an answer.

what do you think is too old to go trick or treating? personally, i don't two shits if high school kids still do it, as long as they're dressed up. i think out of high school, you should have better things to do with your time... and so i think that would be my answer.

but some people think jr high is too old. and high school is definitely too old. i just know they're doing it for candy. i mean, who the hell doesn't want a pillowcase full of free mother f'n candy???? they aren't dummies. but a costume is a must. you know?

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

i 've said many times over the years of this blog that i'm not an author. it seemed like every blogger out there considered themselves a writer and they all had the same goal.... to get published.

that was never my intention.

don't get me wrong... i did have one idea in my head for writing a book, but i don't think i honestly thought i'd ever really write it.. or get past the first chapter.

so since i've been writing my book... it's been interesting living in my head. it's like suddenly, all these doors have opened. when i first started writing, i told myself that this was the only idea i had. that there were no more ideas in my head for other books. but then other ideas sprang to life. and not only does this book have another story to go with it..... but i have other stories in my head as well. it's been amazing how opening up my mind to writing has inspired other writing. (clearly not here at this blog though lately)

since i've never written a book before, everything about this process is new to me. the feelings i get when i write. how there is never enough hours in the day when you're really in a groove. how there are "boring" parts in your story that aren't necessarily exciting to write, but you know they have to be written. how hard it is to balance the needs of your family, with the needs of the ideas in your head constantly begging to get out and onto paper. the thoughts are relentless. they don't go away because you're tired.. or busy.. or have things to do. they will spring to life in the most inconvenient of places (the treadmill, the grocery store, in the car)- it's been fun though. because since finishing my first book, it's been BORING around here. it's weird.. it's like i didn't mind not working so much because i was constantly writing. since i've stopped writing my story, i miss it. i'm beyond bored without it. it's like my characters are all just sitting there patiently in my mind twiddling their thumbs, waiting to be put to good use again. and i've had to stop myself from writing their next adventure until i really try to edit and clean up their first one.

but oh, how i love them. the characters from my story. they have captured my heart and my mind. i think about them constantly. i want to share them with you because i feel like you will love them as much as i do. if i didn't like them so much, i would probably give up on getting published. but it's because i believe in them and their story... that i can't quit on them. (or me)

just to be clear, i don't think my book is 100% brilliantly written or incredibly amazing or anything like that. what i do think however, is that it's a really GOOD story. i think i need some editing help to make it GREAT. but i know it has the potential to get there.

and i want it to get there. so i submit to literary agents and get rejected left and right. and i'm sure i should be more affected than i am, but i honestly try my best not to take it personally. hell, i've been in the casting business for entertainment with voice over talent, and on camera talent. i know that if we don't choose someone, it isn't because they aren't talented or a good actor. it's usually more because they just aren't quite what we're looking for. maybe their hair is the wrong color. maybe the sound of their voice isn't quite right. so i think of it the same way when i get rejected. agents are looking for very specific things and i just didn't have it... for THAT agent. doesn't mean i won't have it for another, you know?

all i need is that one person to take a chance on me!!! to request the whole book, instead of just 1 or 2 chapters. (we all know the ending of the book has the most action and is the best!) and then i need that chance taker to believe in me. the same way that i believed in so many of the people i've worked with over the years.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

there has been a lot of talk lately about bullying... specifically about the bullying of gay, lesbian, transgender and bisexual kids in high school (and college) that eventually led to suicide, or attempted suicide.

it's awful to think that we are a society who are raising our children to hate other people simply because of who they are. it takes me back to being on the plane this past summer when i was flying back from new york. you all remember the boy scout that i told the importance of kissing well too, right? well what i didn't mention was the conversation(s) we had about gay people (it was relevant and he brought he up). and how he was vehemently against any person being gay. and how he said he'd never be friends with someone who was gay. and how he would know they were gay just by looking at them. i tried to explain to him that it didn't work like that. i tried to tell him that maybe one of his best friends right now was gay. and would he hate that person if he found out down the road that he was? his mind couldn't open enough to even comprehend that possibility. the concept was so "california" of me to even suggest to him. because of course, him being 15 years old, he knew everything and if one of his best friends was gay, he'd certainly know because he'd do something predictable like "talk funny" or "hit on" him constantly. i tried so hard to tell this boy that gay people were in fact, PEOPLE just like he and i were. i wasn't trying to change the entire way he was raised, i just wanted him to see past the prejudice a little and maybe, just maybe, have a small part of him accept that it would be okay if he was friends with someone who was gay.

no dice.

wasn't going to happen. but i tried. i was heartbroken many times during that flight when i spoke to that boy. i don't blame him for how he was raised. and i know that it has a lot to do with his parenting, his community, and his surroundings. i guess it's just so sad to me because i have a 12 year old son that i'm not raising that way at all. and i would hope that if he sat next to some stranger on a plane and that person talked to him about gay people, that he would respond with kindness and an open mind and heart. i can do my part by starting at home with my own son. and do my best to raise him to not judge anyone until you know enough about them to make a judgement. i don't care if he doesn't like someone, but he needs to have a reason for it. blake came home from school not too long ago and told me that he got into it with some older kids because they were picking on a kid with disabilities. he jumped in and shoved the older kids and told them to leave the kid alone.

he made me proud. because he did what was right. and he had the courage to not just watch it happen.... he had the courage to make it STOP. yeah, i think i'm doing okay when it comes to him.

i watched that show on MTV the other day called "if you really knew me"... and it was all about high school kids judging other kids based on how they look or dress. and this one girl was bullied so viciously that she wanted to stop coming to school. and she was only a freshman. i look back at my high school years and i don't remember ever feeling that way. it made me sad for her that she couldn't see past the people yelling at her and calling her names. that she couldn't see that she wasn't the names she was being called. she was better than that. but it's hard to not let things like that affect you. especially when you're that age and what people think of you means the world to your self esteem. it made me sick that the other girls calling her names, got off on making her cry. they loved the power and control they had. they enjoyed watching her crumble publicly. why is that?

and then apparently, when the school administrators are made aware that bullying is going on- many parents say the same thing- "the administrators say it's just normal teenage name calling and it will blowover." does that excuse fly when your child was bullied to the pointof killing themselves?

we have to remember that these kids are just that- they are still kids. they can't see past what is currently going on in their insecure, all about them, minute by minute bubble of a world. they can't see that tomorrow might get better. they can only see and think that tomorrow will be just the same as it was today. or maybe worse. they don't tend to see things as glass half full. it's glass half empty all the way. and the thought of things EVER getting better, when you have 3 more years of high school torturing to go??? i'm sure just the thought of 3 more years of trying to get through something seems impossible to them. they think they'll never be able to handle it. they can't project to a time when they are grown up, and working, and loving whoever they want to love, and they are surrounded be people who love and accept them. they can't get that far!!!

the administrators need to get involved. they HAVE to stop the bullying. it's not okay to make other people want to stop coming to school. or want to end their life. we can't just sit by and watch this happen to our youth.

i don't have the answers, but like i said... i'm starting at home. with my son... and his friends. whenever the opportunity arises for me to say something that will influence them positively and lovingly, i do it.

it's not that bullying or judging will ever go away completely. hell, even as adults we judge each other. right or wrong, we all have different opinions and thoughts....

it's just that school should be a safe place for our children to go- NO matter who they are. they should have a place that is safe and protected where adults are on their side. and the problem is, that's not what school feels like for those people at all.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

since i'm writing a book (okay, it's done, but i'm still in the process of making it better).. i started to wonder what kinds of books people like?

i know that for me, the book doesn't need to be written up to literary perfection standards for it to be enjoyed. i mean, let's face it- twilight wasn't written like some amazing work of art, but still millions of people loved it. because a book doesn't need to be "perfect" in literary terms to resonate with people. i liked twilight because i loved the story... the idea of what was happening.. the forbidden love.. i loved edward. and in all honesty, his character was enough to keep me reading. because of everything he did and said- i would freaking swoon constantly. i wanted my very own vampire (until the movies came out).

then i started thinking about other fictional books i like... and it's just the story. if something is written too complicated, i can't enjoy it because i spend the whole time trying to pronounce the words in my head correctly (and then wondering what the hell they mean). so i know that for me, i like a good love story. i like characters who don't annoy me. (for the record, bella was/is extremely annoying). i like when there is magic involved, or the idea of past lives, or something that takes the seemingly ordinary girl and makes her a little less. i'm not sure if i need to resonate with the female characters or not entirely, but something about them needs to make me wish i was a part of their world. know what i mean?

so what is it that you like? the story? the characters? all of it? think about the types of books you like and tell me what it is that keeps you reading... even during those slow parts. :)

Sunday, October 10, 2010

it's funny how things work out. or how things happen. we got a last minute call on saturday asking if blake could play up (on the older travel ball team) for a game that was almost 2 hours away. we pretty much dropped what we were doing.. (which was nothing) and headed out.

blake played great and hit the crap out of the ball, but that's so not the point of this post. after the game was over, we sat in the snack bar and blake ate some pizza. we got up to leave and he completely forgot his baseball bag. i didn't notice he didn't have it either...

until we got home.

i told him not to leave his bag in the car. and then he looked at me and said it wasn't in the car. i told him to think about if he remembered grabbing it from the snack bar or not. he said he didn't.

so his bag, with his baseball jacket and about 3 or so gloves in it... was left at the ballfield. a tournament ballfield, where everyone is there for the same reason. to play baseball.

but no one has turned the bag in yet.

and i'm shocked because it's not like he left it in a public park or something. he left it in a baseball stadium, where you have to pay to get in, and where everyone there is playing in games. they already have baseball equipment! so i don't understand where the bag went.

and everyone keeps telling me that i'm a complete idiot because "of course" someone stole it, but my mind... or maybe it's my heart... it won't let me go there. i keep thinking that maybe a coach grabbed it thinking it was one of his kids bags, and now he's stuck with it, because it isn't one of his kids bags. or maybe a parent grabbed it on accident. everything in my mind is an accident. i would never think that someone would blatantly steal a child's property. who wants to rob a kid of his glove??? and his bag??? who does that?

i know, i know, i'm naive.. or stupid.. or think too highly of people.

i just think it sucks. i'm really hoping that it still turns up. because i would never take a bag i saw lying on a chair at the tournament. i would assume the kid was still around... or that he forgot it and he'll be back to look for it right where he left it. i wouldn't take it. if anything, i'd turn it into lost & found, but in all honesty, i most likely wouldn't touch it at all.

it makes me really sad to think that someone might have stolen it purposely. but i'll hold out hope, until it all runs out, that it will still show up. because i believe in the goodness of people..

Tuesday, October 05, 2010

so i have a high school reunion coming up next summer. i am totally going. cause i think it will be fun.... and why the hell wouldn't i go???

soooo, my question is... do you bring your significant other to these things? i mean, in all honesty, it seems stupid to drag them to something like that. i don't care if boyfriend's there with me, but will he even have fun?? he won't know a single person. i'll be lucky if i recognize anyone in real life (i'm horrible with that shit, so introducing him to people should be loads of fun. "babe, this is.. um.. yep.")

and won't i spend all my time catching up with everyone? being social and chatty and talking about stupid shit and old memories and stuff? basically, boyfriend will be there but he'll be totally ditched the whole time?? or will i not do that? who are we kidding, i would totally do that.

it just seems weird to bring someone who didn't go to your high school to the reunion. lol or maybe i'm just weird.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

so my book is done! well, the first version is done. i know i still need to edit, but here's the thing about writing a book- the characters, the story, everything about is SO.PERSONAL. to you as the writer. it's hard to see outside the box anymore. that's why i feel like i need professional help, you know? i need an editor.

i think i have a really good story, with some really amazing and loveable characters. that's the biggest thing... i am IN LOVE with my characters. but i also am not naive enough to think that my story is in the best possible shape it can be in. it can be better. it can probably always be better. but that's where i stop seeing where i can improve it... because i'm too close to it, you know?

even in knowing i need to shape this story up... i've sent out query letters to some literary agents. i'm hoping that someone will be interested enough in my story to want to request some pages. and then i'm hoping that those pages will interest them enough to want to request the whole thing. so far... i've gotten 5 rejections.

ha

i just have to laugh. because if i was an editor, i'd probably reject my query letter too! i mean, for those of you who don't know... a query letter is basically summing up your entire book in 1 paragraph. how are you supposed to sum up an entire book in ONE PARAGRAPH?!?!?! i don't know, but people do it all the time.

my biggest problem i think? while i love love love my characters... and i truly do love the story.. i'm not sure how unique or powerful it is. for me.... i write really honestly and really naturally. i feel like the story i've written is something that could happen in real life. the characters are real.. everything is just .... real-esque? and maybe that's boring? maybe it's not fantastical enough? but it's how i am. i write real. in my opinion, that makes a good story.

but what the fuck do i know?

anyway.... if worse comes to worse and i find that i cannot find an agent, or someone who wants to publish the book, i will end up publishing and selling it myself. self publishing! but in all honesty, i'd prefer to get published.

so that's where i'm at... the corner of rejection blvd and still hopeful circle.

Sunday, September 26, 2010

there were a lot of naysayers.. there were a lot of people giving me ridiculous amounts of shit for attempting to do 40 miles of hills and what not on a beach cruiser.what these people don't understand is that... my bike? the bike i own? it's a 7 speed raleigh cruiser. and i love it. and it's my bike. and if i'm going to do a bike ride? well, i'm going to do it on my bike. it wasn't a race... it was a ride. so who cares?

the night before the race, there was a party. a carbo-loading, drink too much before we ride in 100 degree heat, party. i sort of have awesome friends.

this party is also where we learned that bike jersey's fit REALLY small and everyone was freaking out about the sizes.please note that i clearly look like a part of nascar's pit crew. MORE OIL! NEW TIRES! GO GO GO!

the ride itself was challenging on my bike. i definitely had to get off a few times and walk up the grades and hills if they were too long, or too steep. my cruiser isn't made for hills. but it was fine. the rest stops were awesome and were filled with so much food, i didn't ever want to leave. let me mention that orange slices and fruit snacks have NEVER tasted so good. anyway, a lot of you have asked me if it was fun... and i'm not sure that's the appropriate word. ha.. it was different?

this was us at around 7 in the morning.. before the ride.

this was us after the ride. we still looked hot.. i think if i had a miserable and unbearable time, i would not have looked this good. ahhahaha

our team tent was vastly superior to every other tent there (except smiley jack- we loved your tent)... but our tent was better because we WON best team tent AND best team jersey!!!!!

i will say that every.single.person who passed me on my bike, or who i passed made a comment on how much they loved my bike.. how crazy i was.. how impressed they were with me.. all really positive and nice things. so that was fun for me. :) i am certain if they had a coolest bike award, i would have won dammit!!!!!!

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

but that's what i've been doing i guess.. taking lots of pics.speaking of, i still hate this stupid pos point and shoot. never knew how attached i was to my canon (dur)... i hate being seperated from it. i NEED it. hurry back to me my love, for i am only part a ster without you!!!!!

quick side note- still writing my first fictional novel. it f'n rocks and thank the goddess for a couple of great friends who are reading everything and giving me feedback. i thought i was almost done until i was told "THIS CANNOT BE THE END!!!!" and so it's back to writing and making the story great(er)!!!! i also have an idea for a second bood, which i never thought i'd ever have. so all of this writing and storytelling is super exciting and fun.

anyway- back to photo time!!! we went to the beach for a baseball tournament this past weekend... it was overcast and ugly, but still warm, which made me happy. i'd rather be warm than cold any day of the week, but y'all know this already.

we play rockstars on tv

it was also my gf's bd and so i went out with her and her friends....

rachel is so skinny, she makes me look like i have a fat head. or maybe i really do have a fat head? you can call me that from now on (just not to my face thanks)

um.. here's the next one. i think i was like 22 in this pic. wtf is going on with my hair? i mean, i'm really asking because i have no clue what i did to it. why the f am i so white?!??!! i was never this white.. .omg, cause i bet this was when i lived in stupid san jose and of course i was white, cause we could never go to the beach. gross.

now we're getting better. this was after i had blake and at least i look more like myself here. at least i think so, although no one else does. i can't even tell you how much crap i get when i go out with this pic- the bouncer never thinks it's me. which is lame, because hello.. CLEARLY that is sooo me. i have the same face, do i not?!?!! anyway, that's why i waited in line for almost 3 hours at the dmv the other week... needed a newer, fresher, jennster pic! i should have totally signed my license as jennster. hahahah

and here it is. my newest pic! i don't love it. i barely like it. i'm half tempted to go yell at the guy who took my pic and told me it was hot. he was either lying, blind or just hated me. i wish you could tell how mother f'n fantastic my eyelashes were this day. argh.

even though this was embarassing, it was still fun. YOUR TURN! come on, don't puss out! just do it!!! :)

Friday, September 17, 2010

so, when i was in so cal for my birthday i went into a party supply store to look for some stuff.

i saw a glow stick star wand that i just HAD! TO! HAVE!!!!

so i bought it. and i named it my magical wish wand!!!

and the world was happy. (or at least i was)

i would ask strangers if they had a wish. and when the said yes, i would make them close their yes... make their wish... and then i made them kiss the wish wand!!!!

and they did it too!!!! everyone i asked to kiss the magical wishing star wand, WOULD DO IT! hahaha.. i really needed to take pictures of the strangers with the wish wand, but i failed. it's cause i hated the camera. lol

but it was so awesome! and so fun!!! i hope that whatever everyone wished for, comes true for them. :) maybe i will be magical after all.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

can we all pause for a moment and just wallow in the fact that i've broken my camera?!?!?!! i was cleaning the lens and this spring thing that controls the focus fell out of the body. i tried to fix it. i even got the thing back on and in there, but it's still not taking pictures properly. :( about 1/3 of the picture is all black.

this happened thursday afternoon. so of course i flipped out because i was heading to so cal for the weekend and i cannot travel without a camera!!!! i hauled ass to the camera store and asked them if they could fix my canon. they said no. (did you know that you have to send everything back to the company now? like no one fixes camera's anymore? sigh) so i bought a point and shoot because like i said.. I CANNOT NOT HAVE A CAMERA!!!!!!

let me be very clear when i tell you that i think i hate this camera (not as much as i hated that pos cell phone replacement), but it sucks. i guess i just needed to figure it out and spend more time with it, but i hate the flash. i avoid using the flash whenever possible. but this stupid camera flashed all the time. so all the pics... we all look like oil banks. everyone is shiny, greasy, crappy looking mess. (by everyone, i really just mean myself)

i really need to send my camera back asap, cause i am lost without it. first my ass, now this!

Sunday, September 12, 2010

my legs are getting nicer. which is fine and stuff, but there is a problem here.

my ass.

it is apparently getting SMALLER!!!!!!!!

my sister and i went out and when i made a comment about how my sister was always cold because she weighs 90 pounds, some guy said to me, "well look at yourself."

OH MY GOSH, that fucker just called me skinny!!! he insinuated that i was THIN! thin like my sister (which is a complete and utter ridiculous joke if you have ever seen my sister in real life). and i got all sorts of pissed off.

because i don't want to be SKINNY!!!!!! i mean, i don't want to be fat either, but um.. that is not the point of this blog post.

so then i made some comment about how my ass alone weighs 90 pounds and he looked at my ass in my jeans (which are way too big by the way.. UGH) and said that i don't even have a big ass!!!!!!

i could have dropped dead right then and there.

or punched the guy in the throat.

listen, maybe he was just trying to be cute and coy and sweet and stuff. maybe he stupidly thought that by telling me i didn't have a big ass, that i'd be flattered or something.

BUT PEOPLE,

WHO AM I IF I MY ASS ISN'T BIG?!?!?!?!

if my ass is gone...or disappearing.. i don't know how to be!!!

i have been defined by my ass for as long as i can remember...I AM GHETTO BOOTY!!!I HAVE JUNK IN THE TRUNK!!!!I HAVE AN ASS LIKE AN ONION (so fine it makes a grown man cry)!!!!!

this is who i am. it's what i am. my ass needs its own facebook fan page. my ass goes crazy on the dancefloor. it's always been me and my ass against the world!!!!!!!

Wednesday, September 08, 2010

so it's going from cold.. to colder.ugh.this blog post is coming from my new cell phone (that i am completely in love with by the way).. i am sitting in the dmv waiting to take my new driver's license picture. i look pretty for it. i've been here for 2 hours. i know, i know.. make an appointment, right? but when the appointments are a month away, i'd rather wait. it's not like i have a job or anything.

i am still writing my book.. although i have not written in four days (which is the longest i've gone since i really started writing). i have written 157 pages and there isn't much story left to tell. it is super exciting and i am hoping for lots of positive and really cool things for it!!! you never know. think good thoughts, k? thanks!! :)

i went and saw an old friend and his adorable gf in napa yesterday. it was her birthday and he was drunk. he looked like santa claus, so i sat on his lap and told him i wanted a puppy for christmas. he said i could have one, so now i can't wait til december!!!! pretend santa's don't lie! anyway, i forget how much i truly miss people once i stop seeing them on a daily basis. you know? it was so great to see him, laugh with him, and just spend time together (although it's NEVER enough time). i have a lot of good people in my life who are so enjoyable.

the boy and i are heading to so cal this weekend for my birthday. i heard the weather is supposed to suck, which makes me want to cry, but it can't suck any worse than the stupid weather here.. so who cares?!?! haha

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

i am knee deep in the book i'm writing. i am loving almost everything about the story. i do get bored with parts that aren't overly exciting... and i wonder if i'm the only one who gets like that? are other writer's completely enthralled with their every word throughout the entire process?? if they are getting bored with something, do they stop writing? i just think that the book can't be EDGE OF THE SEAT WITH ROMANCE AND EXCITEMENT the whole time. you know? i'm sort of in love with my characters and i think that's a good thing. like, IN LOVE. ha

i have too much time on my hands. this whole not working thing has my brain in overdrive. or my mind. or my emotions. whatever, they just don't stop. they think constantly about the things i want, where i want to go, what i want to do, how i'm living my life, how i'm not living my life, the things that need to change. it's not pretty in here people. so then i question- am i feeling this way because my mind isn't engaged in work. or would work only be a distraction for how i'm truly feeling? are these feelings and thoughts and emotions genuine to me..... or are they born out of boredom? i guess that's my job to figure it all out.

in the meantime, i'll be outside.. getting a mother f'n tan on these sweet ass legs.. and writing until my heart explodes.

Sunday, August 29, 2010

last summer, after her trip to italy, my good friend (and bomber babe) susan started not feeling well. her arm felt like it was on fire and she had no clue what was going on. she was constantly in pain.

A LOT of pain.

and it wasn't getting better.

she was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis (MS). they think she's had it for years, but that the flare ups would happen so mildly, that she wouldn't even realize they were flare ups. this time, it was unbearable.

our sons are on the same travel ball team. i talk about susan on here all the time. she's one of the reasons i love playing travel baseball so much. she is literally, one of the best people i know. after her diagnosis, let me tell you, the fun began. an umbrella is her constant staple at all tournaments now. she can't stay out in the heat for too long, because it will cause her pain.we mist her.we fan her.we shade her.whatever we can do to keep her comfortable, we're willing to do it because not having her in the stands with us is completely not acceptable. we love her too much.

one of the best things about her is by far, her attitude. from the moment she was diagnosed, she knew she wanted to fight it. she was willing to try anything. she never wanted this disease to beat her, she has always wanted to beat this disease. she wanted to get her pain down to as bearable of a level as possible. so she has shots once a week that literally knock her on her ass for the entire next day. i know. i've visited during one of those days. she has no energy and it's literally a struggle for her to do anything . it's weird seeing her like that in all honesty. you see, normally she glows. she is a big ball of light with a gorgeous smile. she lights up a room when she walks in it. she commands it. she is vivacious, courageous, strong, independent, beautiful, kind, generous, giving, thoughtful, smart, determined, successful and fun!!!!

i could not love this person anymore than i already do and i cannot imagine my life without her in it. i am reminded how much i love everything about her, everytime i see her.

the whole point is that we're doing a bike ride for MS. and i just joined the team. listen, i know i'm late in joining (the ride is in like 3 weeks or some shit)... it's just that i kind of hate committing to stuff... especially if it's too far in advance. i have no idea what life will throw at me. HA

and now of course, i have to raise money. so i'm posting a link to my page and if you'd like to donate (i don't care if you donate one dollar), that would be super rad. and if you don't want too, that's okay too.

listen, you don't have to buy my friendship or love, but i'd like to at least give you the option. :)