Fighting the good fight…still

Day +16 Wednesday

I’m sick of calling every day a number. I’d like to get far enough out of this that days are just mon, tues, wed, thurs….again. But not yet. Just when I think we’re getting close to normal, this crap sucks us back in. My Godfather reference there.

Bob’s platelets are not exactly low enough to receive a transfusion, but his eyes are bloody looking and he’s getting some blood when he blows his nose. So we are at the hospital getting a transfusion. Had a very rough trip here. Just walking from the elevator to the clinic (a bit of a trek, but not something he can’t do) Bob had a bit of a coughing fit. Had to stop in a public restroom and puke. I stood outside the men’s restroom and guarded the door. I don’t know what I thought I would do if someone wanted in….maybe Freak out a bit. That would probably deter someone from entering. Finally got to the infusion center, he coughed and puked upon arrival. I’m sure the nurses love to see a patient entering like this. Drugged him up, gave him platelets, I took a walk. Down the hall and down memory lane. Saw the BMT unit where we were years ago. They’ve changed a few things. Why do I feel like I want to run away? I briefly consider leaving him here for a bit and taking off….where would I go?

Okay, back to the infusion center. He’s stopped coughing, but is wiped out. The nurse gets us a wheelchair to get him out to the car. He looks like he has two black eyes, the coughing fit blew a few more blood vessels YUCK. As I wheel him out of the hospital and through the lobby, people stare. I want to run away again….but I’ve got this wheelchair, hard to run.

I cried half of the drive home.

Mom sees her doctor tomorrow. I told her I’d go with her….not sure she wants me in this condition. God help me. I called her and she came over to sit with us. We talked about the day. She says, “you know we go through this struggle every day and people think that because we’re not falling apart every day that we are okay. Sometimes we just need to fall apart. Sometimes when cancer just punches you in the eyes (quite literally) you just need to cry. As long as we continue to pick ourselves up.”

Psalm 55:22 Give your burdens to the Lord, and he will take care of you. He will not permit the godly to slip and fall. Don’t let me fall God.