Tuesday, May 31, 2011

the bachelorette: sin city.

We open with our boy, Chris Harrison, explaining, how the dates work to the boyZ. After all these years if there is someone out there who still doesn't get it, let's just shoot them and get it over with.

We learn that Will.i.am gets the first one-on-one date and then Ashley stares off into the distance for a few minutes in her workout clothes.

The Masked Man (MM) is getting creepier and creepier and he's added a hat to his look. He has to be really hot in there and that mask has to smell. Like, bad.

Will.i.am and the Dentist finally get to the Vegas and they were like a "real celebrity couple" minus two celebrities and a couple. So, I can see the comparison for sure. This date was just the weirdest thing I've ever watched on tv. Like, what the hell? So, they drag us through their "wedding" planning and we get half-way through the vows before the Dentist pulls the plug. Oh, you! You got me! I did like that he gave her that really awkward vase of flowers to carry down the aisle though. Zing!

"This is my best first date!" -- Will.i.am

"This is my best first date!" -- The Dentist

"No, this is my best first date!"

"No, this is MY best first date!"

We meet up with these two knuckleheads on their actual date IN the Bellagio fountains. Will.i.am has the excitement level of a nine-year-old and I respect that.

"Millions of tourists come to Vegas just to see them" -- The Dentist, about the Bellagio Fountains

Ohhhh, I'm going to call your bluff on that one.

The Dentist needs somebody in her life that is serious and OOPS, Will.i.am drops the bomb that he's a mobile phone salesman and shares that his dad was an alcoholic. Ashley of course, says, "My dad was an alcoholic, too!" Then, Will.i.am showed the Dentist his completely useless watch.

The other boyZ learn who is going to the Vegas by doing an adult version of "Heads Up, 7 Up" with their eyes open.

Will.i.am gets a rose because the Dentist wants a relationship, not a friend. They make out, the fountains go off and the Dentist is smitten. Will.i.am is convinced that the fountains are going off just for them, but...I know for a fact that the fountains are on a schedule.

"I'm locking this up in my memory box." -- The Dentist

Don't quote me on this, but...I think that's her brain.

"My heart is soaring higher than these fountains." -- Will.i.am

Wow.

The boyZ make it to Sin City and...the Dentist channels her inner Mary Ann from Gilligan's Island with her outfit. The boyZ get their "challenge" and it's pretty dumb. Then, the Dentist disappears and she pops up OUT OF NOWHERE (or "the Heavens" depending on who you ask) and swings her hips twice and puts her arms over her head. It was quite the show.

The boyZ have to make up a dance routine.

Ridiculous.

They were all pretty terrible, but six were only absolutely terrible so they had to go home while the other six stayed to perform with the Dentist for the night.

The Dentist is really impressed with the boyZ dancing. I am fairly confident that she is the only one that is impressed.

After the dancing Blake and the Dentist talk about the finer aspects of dental work. I was bored, BUT impressed by their teeth.

West tells the Dentist about his wife and her death. It was sad.

I had a flashback to Barbie Emily and her sad story.

I repeated the whole story verbatim.

Bentley is almost disgusting.

And, I had no idea that "tickle my pickle" was something worth being bleeped out.

Oh..."pickle" isn't an actual pickle?

But, seriously...this guy? This guy?!

And how dumb is she? She even got text messages about him and she's still all, "Ohhhhhh, PLEASE stay." It's show number 2! 2! Why are you begging him to stay? He's dressed like he's going snowboarding and only wants to be playing blackjack!

Of course. Of course Bentley gets the rose.

Mickey wins the coin toss for the one-on-date.

Then, the rest of the date is filled with the Dentist and the Mouseketeer flipping a coin rather than making normal decisions. I felt very little chemistry between the two. And that coin toss thing was getting old. What does a coin toss have to do with Vegas? Now, I've only been to Vegas once (SHOUT OUT KELLA.) but, I never saw a coin toss table. Actually, I've never seen a coin toss table at any casino.

They talk about the last time they cried.

I thought about the last time I cried. It's right now, because I'm watching this. Again.

The MM has the same personality as a cardboard puppet.

The Mouseketeer lost his mother, so the Dentist is really feeling a connection with him. I think the Dentist just likes sad stories.

"I love mama's boyZ" --The Dentist

I don't know... I think you just love boyZ.

The Dentist really tricked me with that whole coin toss for the rose thing!

I tell you what! Those ABC Producers are just getting better and better at this!

The Mouseketeer fell for it.

I didn't.

I know how this shit works.

Colbie Caillat joined them on their date.

So, her career is over?

Finally, the rose ceremony.

The Dentist has the largest glass of white wine I've ever seen.

Personally, I don't know how she gets by on just white wine.

J.P. is upset about losing the coin toss, so he wants to flip a coin to see if the Dentist will make out with him. He loses the toss, but she makes out with him anyway.

Mothers everywhere cried.

Will.i.am starts talking trash and the boyZ are. not. happy.

It's finally time for Zorro take off that damn mask.

He tells his story, and yeah, that's a shitty story, but...I'm not following the mask.

Just as he's about to remove it, other dude walks up and a collective moan was heard across the country.

That Ben guy from Nola had on a great jacket.

But, his stand-up routine was not as great.

Bentley continues to suck.

Like, he really sucks.

So, they make out. Duh.

What a dumb, dumb gUrl.

Here come the roses!

Very few shockers here.

Minus the fact she gave MM a rose. What the hell? This is just dumb now. Ok, maybe wear a mask in the beginning, but really...has he ever been in a relationship? Does he not know that most gUrls do make decisions based on emotions and that boyZ are the ones who would base a decision on looks?

Very few tears were shed by the boyZ, which is admirable. When gUrls get kicked off this show you'd think their kitten died.

Oh, wait. Spoke to soon. That dude called his mom and asked her to make him French toast. What an idiot. Ask for something expensive and hard to make. Maybe get a tank of gas out of this. Milk it.

Lots of purple this evening.

Someone should tone that down.

What is a construction "estimator?" I mean, I can use context clues and all, but... seriously, what is it?

And, finally. It's over.

But, per the usual...we're left with the promise that next week, something that has "never happened" before will happen.

1 comment:

I don't know why it has taken me so long to tell you how much I love your bachelor/bachelorette recaps! But I do. LOVE THEM!

I didn't even watch last season, but still read your recaps bc they are hysterical!

This one is by far my favorite!

On another note, I worked with Lauren Lashlee at Glo and that's how I found your blog, but it turns out we know a lot of the same people. In fact, the Coles and I have talked about how great your humor is.

Anywho, just wanted to give you a high-hive on the awesomeness of your recaps!