Does this perhaps mean that too many people are marrying without considering the long-term implications? Then divorcing when they realize they really weren't all that compatible? I suspect that is what happened to me the first time around...

I haven't told too many people, but since this happened almost 40 years ago, I'll admit that I do recall being up at the altar with my first husband and hearing the minister intone the words "...til death do you part?"

And I remember, thinking "OMG! Til death. That's a long time. I'm really not sure..." And then realizing that there were 300 people in the church watching me, all of them had sent me wedding presents and my parents had just shelled out "beaucoup bucks" for this big event... If I backed out, I'd cause embarrassment to everyone, I'd have to send back all the gifts, etc. etc...

I quickly evaluated my options, decided I could not possibly bolt... So I said to myself, "Well, I'll stay here and continue to get married. After all, I love him. But instead of "til death..." let's just agree to "as long as it works."

It "worked" for 10 years and two children. And I was a lot smarter the second time around...

Anne, that is very real, what you shared. I had the same experience. The man I married at age 22 was named Todd. Here's how I felt about the ceremony, same as you! ***Todd strutted like a stallion stalking an unsuspecting mare; he must have thought he was quite the stud. Assembled in the judge’s chamber, the justice of the peace said, “If anyone objects to this marriage, come forward.” I wondered if that included the bride. Slipping a silver and turquoise band purchased from the swap meet on Todd’s finger, I contemplated the vow, “Till death do us part.” To show what a nice guy he thought he was, Todd stood in as a witness for the next couple on the civil ceremony calendar. I stood outside in the lobby, smoking, staring at the closed carved wood doors of the judge’s chambers and thought: Oh, my God, what have I done?*** Imagine getting married with such trepidation and fear. Divorce rates are increasing because of the economic environment: costs are up, pay increases are null, and jobs are scarce. Who can cultivate love and nurture under those circumstances. The strong, the very strong.

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"Destiny is not a matter of chance, it is a matter of choice."

Anne,WB is my second husband, too. But when I married the first time,I thought it was going to last till death do us part. But a little blonde came along and parted it for me. This time I'mhappy and grateful it worked out this good.

PL,I agree that economics is a huge issue in a marriage. And I'll bet you're right about the "NO JOBS," "NO MONEY," breaking uplots of relationships!

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Throw me to the wolves and I'll come back leading the pack.Grace O'Malley

PL, I agree there are plenty of marriages of convenience going on in the world. I won't name any names, but over my lifetime I've observed quite a few.

By the way, since I have been reading your book these last few days, I recognize the discussion of your marriage to Todd comes from the book.

I married my first husband at 21. It was the summer between my junior and senior years in college. I believe that I THOUGHT I loved him. I think the "OMG moment" only came when I heard those "'til death" words...

Doubt we'll have time to talk about this on our teleseminar call tomorrow night, but we really should discuss it sometime.

By the way, shameless plug here: Here's the link to listen in tomorrow at 7 PM Eastern as PL and I talk about "Domestic Violence - Why Does She Stay? Why doesn't He Stop?"

Jabber, I too actually thought I was in a happy marriage until I found out her was cheating on me while I was pregannt with our second child.

In my case, the woman who "came along" and led to my husband cheating on me had brown hair and actually wasn't that attractive. Also she wasn't as smart, had a vile temper and smoked and drank too much.

But I think she made him feel like he was a "big shot" and I confess I wasn't doing much of that -- to busy working and taking care of the kids while his job took him out of town for weeks at a time...

He told me he "didn't love her, but he wouldn't give her up."

In retrospect, I believe she stroked his ego, while I had forgotten how to do that...

There is a lot of disclosure here. That's something I like about this site versus other social networking places. Anne, that's quite a shock to learn what he was doing while you were pregnant. Isn't it better when a man has enough strength to not need ego strokes, yet is humble enough to not over-rate his ego?

_________________________
"Destiny is not a matter of chance, it is a matter of choice."

Anne,Time and time again I've seen girlfriends who didn't measure up to the wife. Go figure. What's up with that? I think just the thrill of doing wrong, draws some guys. Many humans' want what they don't have, until they get it.

PL, IMO lots of guys think only of "self"; they chase women till they catch 'em and then don't want 'em any more!

Edited by jabber (11/06/1004:16 PM)

_________________________
Throw me to the wolves and I'll come back leading the pack.Grace O'Malley

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