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President Skorton Releases Official Fraternity and Sorority Rankings

After much debate and careful consideration, a Cornell committee headed by President David Skorton has finally spoken on the much debated issue of Greek rankings. Their new system, dubbed Big Red Rankings, will be put into motion next month to replace all current evaluations of campus fraternities and sororities.

By employing mathematical models and indexes including the “Golden Guy-to-Girl Ratio” and the “How-Many-Brothers-Do-You-Have-to-Know-to-Get-in Number”, Cornell statisticians and engineers have created what Skorton claims to be “the fairest and most accurate system possible.”

“We hope this will finally set the record straight for many students who are looking to make informed decisions during rush,” Skorton told CU Nooz in a candid interview. “Never again will a freshman have to ask themselves ‘Is Psi-U actually really better than Sig-Chi?’ Now they will know for sure.”