Tuesday, November 10, 2009

The Angry Inch

On Sunday morning Chuck was enjoying a skinny flat white at a local area café while reading the newspaper and catching up on world events. As Chuck flicked through the daily rag, a group of youngish ladies at the table next to Chuck were engaged in an extremely interesting conversation that Chuck could not help but overhear. Being a true gentleman, Chuck did his very best to focus on the paper and not eavesdrop but as the women discussed a variety of issues regarding their boyfriends, husbands, dates etc Chuck became hooked. They had the regular issues that you read at Reality Bytes, but the one topic that had Chuck choke on his coffee was ‘dick size’.

As many of you would know, Chuck’s esteemed colleague; Madame Boodwah has already tackled the subject of girth:

No, what made Chuck gag was the following question from a spritely young lass posed to her group of friends. “Do you think that a guy would dodge sleeping with you if he had a small cock?” Her friends all gasped as she told how she was dating a guy who seems to avoid getting his crank shaft out, leading her to believe that he may be packing a wiener schnitzel and is worried about poking it out for fear of scaring her off. The friends all agreed that that must be the reason and consoled her appropriately.

After wiping the coffee off his chin, Chuck turned around in his chair and said, “Hi ladies, Chuck couldn’t help but hear the last discussion”. The young lady who posed the question immediately flushed with embarrassment and Chuck could sense that this was not a forum to hold court on the topic of small dicks. Instead, Chuck handed out numerous Reality Bytes business cards and suggested that the ladies click on the web address as the topic would gladly be addressed on the following Wednesday morning saving everyone at the table the discomfort. The table fell into a hush as they contemplated what the tall, dark and handsome stranger was going to share with them.

Chuck folded his newspaper, squared up the bill (and the bill of the females behind him) and bid the table of young ladies goodbye. Chuck then ambled home and put his thoughts on unfortunately sized penis to paper:

For some unknown reason, the ladies assumed that the man would be embarrassed to reveal to his love interest that he had a small penis and therefore to avoid the awkward reveal, he simply avoided sex. Let Chuck categorically state that this is complete and utter bullshit. First off, unless the guy is deeply religious, he has no reason to not get his todger out (and lets face it, religion doesn’t often stop most blokes – ask any priest). The sexual urge is a powerful one and men cant fight it no matter how small their wanger is.

If this young lady presented her minge as a viable option, the likelihood that the bloke could suppress his boner (even if he is hung like an infant) so as to avoid embarrassment is minimal.

Additionally no guy is under any illusion about their schlong size and dimensions. If you have a small prick, you are well aware of it and no delaying is going to change the issue. Blokes would prefer to get their lady hot under the collar because once the clothes are off, how many times will a women check out your penis and then refuse intercourse (a bad case of genital warts or herpes may put a stop to things). Dudes know, once the knickers are off, most women will accept the beef no matter the size. Sure, they may never go back, but that’s not the point.

To illustrate the point, let Chuck tell a tale:

A number of years ago, Chuck had a housemate (Ramon) who freely admitted that he was the owner of a short dick. Chuck was amazed at how open and honest Ramon was about being so unfortunately endowed. Ramon’s rationale was that you’re only born with one dick so you may as well accept your shortcomings (literally) and play the hand that you’re dealt. Ramon’s strategy was quite simple. He would woo as many women as he could and bed them as quickly as possible. His theory was that most women wouldn’t necessarily be satisfied from their encounter with him (despite his best efforts Chuck must add) and that he probably wouldn’t get a second crack at them. So he went down swinging.

Ramon was a master of seduction, he honed his craft to the point where he could drag a women out of a bar using his eyes.

He even had a name for his dick – The Angry Inch.

Chuck would often be on the couch as Ramon returned from a date. Invariably Chuck’s first words upon seeing Ramon were “Did you feed her the angry inch”. Now Ramon wasn’t necessarily a lothario, he did occasionally fall for women and managed to string a few dates together. In hindsight, it was actually Ramon’s personality more than his microscopic knob that scared women off – so he clearly knew how to use the inch.

Years later through the magical powers of online social networking, Chuck and Ramon’s paths crossed again. Chuck quickly learned that Ramon had actually settled down and married a beautiful young lady. It was evident that Ramon had mellowed and become less obnoxious. Chuck couldn’t help but ask if he had fed her the angry inch just for old times sake and Ramon replied that of course he had. He also couldn’t help mentioning that he may have come (insert Benny Hill music here) across a woman with the tightest pussy on earth- oh and he followed a few of these tips:

So in conclusion ladies, no, the dude is not dodging sex because he has a small dick. It is probably quite the opposite in fact. Maybe he’s avoiding sex with you because he doesn’t like you, or the chemistry isn’t there, or he doesn’t find you attractive or he believes you get together with your friends and gossip about him OR maybe he has heard word on the street that you have the baggiest snatch around and that he wouldn’t touch the sides!

2 comments:

Yet again an excellent piece from the Reality Bytes team...This guy Ramon must be my twin brother...for years I have had to deal with an 'average' sized bat and lets say a 'generous' covering of unsightly body hair...the trick was always to fill the female with as much booze/drugs as possbile and get to the point of no return...indeed more often than not the female would not return to the scene of such a heinous crime, but Magic would certainly scratch another tally mark on his $199 DIY flat packed Ikea bed head...oh how I miss the days of the smash and dash (or the pump and dump!)

Oh Chuck. Is there a possibility that the boy is actually really into the girl and he either:a) wants to hook her emotionally (this relates to feelings, you might recognise them from when you spill a beer or kick a ball) before revealing his physical 'shortcomings', orb) is just conservative.Stop hanging out exclusively with dogs and alpha males.Unsatisfied.

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About Me

Date gone wrong? Can’t decipher what a guy/girl is trying to say? Not sure where you're going wrong and need an honest opinion? Or are just in need of a laugh at the expense of other's stupidity?
This could be the place for you...Reality Bytes
Born out of repeated tales of confused women actually beginning to lower their standards in order to accept the bizarre mating rituals of their male suitors, Reality Bytes seeks to provide insight, merriment and to break down some truly confounding behaviour.
The two purveyors of truth are:
Madame Boodwah - a woman of the world who has beaten a worn path in her travels around the block.
and
Chuck Long - a successfully married gent with a PhD in translating man speak.