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Here at Sueeve, we understand that showering can be one of the most boring, shame and confusion-filled parts of your day and we've made it our mission to fix that!

-- If the mere sight of a loofah sends you into a gender-confusion-driven, psychotic rage, you need the Shower Hammer!

You no longer have to endure the fluffy, girly bullshit of loofahs. Fuck loofahs. The Shower Hammer makes you clean with violence!

-- Another common problem faced by men the world over is that of smelling like something that isn't awesome enough. We all know that coconut smells great, but have you ever seen a coconut burst into flames from sheer excellence? No, you haven't. That's why we've created the most comprehensive collection of badass aromas ever.

-- If you are driven to psychological meltdown by the sheer variety of hygiene products available to you, you may want to consider our brand new nine-in-one shower companion! It not only cleans you, conditions you and helps your razor glide smoothly over your face, it also keeps you company, provides a ready source of nutrients should you be stranded in the shower for any length of time and calms your nerves with a homeopathic antidepressant. It's basically everything you will ever need in one bottle.

-- Does your razor resemble some sort of contraption from the dark ages? Do you feel shame and anger every time you try to shave with such primitive technology? Do you feel that the number of blades on your current razor is entirely inadequate? Well, guess what?

LIGHTSPEED 3000!!! The fastest razor with the most blades ever!

-- If you've ever wished that your showers were more reminiscent of caged death-matches, then you might be interested in our Gladiator Genie Soap! Gladiator Genie Soap works just like regular soap, but it contains an evil spirit that will attack you mercilessly as soon as it is summoned

When you begin lathering up, the friction you create will summon the genie contained within the soap. The genie will attempt to crush you with its teeth and/or defeat you with magic. If you want to survive, you must fight the genie to the death.

So if you want to turn your showers from a chore into a multi-sensory, life-or-death adventure, be sure to check out Sueeve products at your local grocery

This is PERFECT for me. I was in a lounge this weekend (aren't I cool?) and these 2 gentleman behind me were like, "I HATE it when guys smell like soap." And I was wondering if they could smell the soap I had used to shower and wondered if they were mad at me for being straight or just for using soap. I thought they were slandering me. But then one of them hit on me, so at least I got to feel uncomfortable.

Every day that I read these posts (and I often find myself reading them even when you haven't posted anything...I just have a compulsion), I go "GOD I WANT TO BE LIKE ALLIE BROSH AND MAYBE FIND SOME OF HER HAIR AND SLEEP WITH IT ON MY PILLOW and then I realize how much of a creepy fuck that would make me but I can't bring myself to care.

Oh my god I need a genie in my soap, why doesn't my soap have a genie in it too? My inferior soap makes me angry! I must go throw it through the neighbor's window to incite a violent fight in order to recreate the genie soap experience!

Oh yay this is such a big day for me!Since I´m a retarded sloth I found your blog just a few days ago, perhaps a week ago, I can´t really remember. And also, I live in Sweden so I guess the internet takes some time to travel over the ocean and well, Norway? There, thats my excuse for not finding your blog sooner. The ocean is too big and Norway is in the way.Anyway, this is my first blog update from you. It feels like I´m on a birthday party and the cakes just keeps coming!

Allie, you totally rock! How the hell do you come up with so much awesomeness? You are like a goddess of awesome. Can you please sell the genius soap in your store in the near future? I'm sure you can manufacture it out of whatever hidden source of awesome you get everything from.

I have a coworker that naturally smells like a gorilla testosterone. But she's a girl. If you need a model for your products, I can give you her number. We can just dress her up in men's clothes and viola! So, do you need a model? Then we have a deal.

Totally insane and hilarious, as usual :) This reminds me of the powerthirst ads, which never fail to crack me up. As stated by everyone before me, you are awesome and super funny and weird in the best ways. Keep doing strange funny stuff and good luck on getting super famous!!ps: glad you aren't dead :)

I've been checking your site obsessively all day every day for the past week. I got super excited to see your new post! The rhinocerous blood sounds the most intriguing to me... but goddamn it, it had better be made out of Northern White Rhino... otherwise, that's totally not going to ignite my testosterone. Speaking of, can I mix aromas? Such as Rhino Blood PLUS Courage with pomegranate, because I'm also a pussy. What happens when you mix? Are there fireworks? And by fireworks, I mean EXPLOSIONS!!? I hope so.

It's not your best post ever or anything, but it made me smile. I might have found it funnier if you had a dialogue with Duncan where you tried your sales pitch on him. Crazy ads for masochistic products can get a laugh, but relating it back to reality in some way gives it a third dimension. It's like character development

I am hoping that from now on, any time I accomplish something - even something incredibly minor, the last picture in this post will pop into my head. It would make my life so, so much more epic. It doesn't matter that I'm a girl; that drawing is the visualization of deranged triumph, which is an emotion we should all experience a little more often.

Holy MOTHER, Allie.I was making notes of my favorite lines as I read this post, with plans to quote them in my comment and thus be *very specific* about exactly how much I enjoyed this, but I soon realized that would mean copying and pasting the entire post. That's how much I love it. So much so that in order to show you how much, I'd have risk copyright infringement. That's a lot. (I would have said "alot" as a joke, but I'm afraid that might get out of hand and people will start thinking we're serious.)LOVE,Stormy

Allie that post was simply amazing! For a while I was really beginning to worry, we hadn't seen you for a week, and your last post had been about dying... so it is good (and a relief) to see you back! =D

For someone lacking a Y chromosome, you seem to understand the needs of men everywhere. To show how much we men appreciate this quality in the fairer sex, I hereby dub thee an official "ladybro" to dudes everywhere.

I am so glad you are such a total nutcase and that you let us have a view into your mind. It is very entertaining and scary all at the same time! Hahahaha!! I think I am laughing at relief that those images aren't real and that there really isn't such a company. I am so glad there really is no Sueeve. Hahahaha...haha...ha. Is there? Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FINALLY, a proper way to express my rampant manliness that doesn't involve hunting a rhino so I may cleanse myself with its severed horn! This will save all sorts of time. Time I can use to lift things.

Also, welcome back from the brink of death Allie! I discovered your blog a couple weeks ago and was sad at the lack of updates and then I was super sad at the fact that you may or may not have been dying but I guess you're ok now so yay! :D

So worth the wait. Great graphics, tantalizing images of scents of abstract ideas and general extreme-ness to top it all off. This, in addition to discovering giantbulgingmandolphin.webs.blahblah have cheered me up after a rough day. Thanks, Allie!

Oh thank God, I thought for sure you got sick again. Instead, you were adding sinews to the necks of your soap models :) My favorite lines: "it's like a f--king Russian nesting doll" and "the closest your face will ever get to being shaved by a spaceship." Thank you for making finals week that much more bearable!

i sent you a get-well card a bit back, and realize it might have been a bit stalkerish/fed by coffee-induced mania...i promise to never stalk you. (not even on facebook!)but i enjoy your awesomeness, i am foisting it onto all my friends via aggressive linking, something i am highly enjoying!!!

thank gods you're back and better than ever!! I thought for sure you had actually died and we were all going to feel like giant jerks for laughing at your last post. So, thanks for not dying. I don't need any more guilt for laughing at other people's misfortunes hanging over my head.

It's a good thing you gave up on being real Internet famous. This half-assed post is probably more your speed--famous like that security guard who works at the mall and as a clown at Applebee's on Tuesdays.

Absolutely hilarious! Just for the hell of it I decided to check your blog before I went to bed. Bad mistake. I laughed so hard that I'm going to be awake for at least another hour. It's ok, though, you still have my support and I hope that you can do this as a job because I would have very little to laugh about in life otherwise.

@Jenn Holton - Dragon Sweat is a pretty cool idea. It might even be cooler if there was a unicorn or Chuck Norris involved somehow as well. Also, I want to see the labels and yes, I too would probably drink something called "Dragon Sweat"

Hey, so when I stumbled upon this blog I was so delighted, my life had reached an all time low of boredom and stagnation. I began to read it from it's beginnings to present and when I discovered that there weren't enough hours in the day to read your blog and work I quit my job. Yes, you have have reached an milestone of internet fame-dome and awesome-ness-ocity. I quit my job so I could read every post you've ever... err posted. Okay, well before you get all super excited, I hated that job and was going to quit anyway, but I feel that your blog was the light in the darkness that made me say, fuck going in today. I'm going to read about this girls life!. Anyway, just thought you should know that you're awesome, and I love you! :) And I'm also glad your not dead.

P.S. Just fyi in case you were feeling bad that I was going to have to live on the streets and steal peoples internet to read your blog, I have already found a new and better job that makes me happy. So in fact not only did you have someone quit their job for you, you've managed to cause someone to become very happy with their life.

so immediately before reading this post i was actually in the shower!it was a terrible shower experience. My razor with only 3 blades (none of them were even inside eachother!) cut my hand and i didn't even get to fight a genie or use and exfoliating hammer or anything :(your products need to make it onto the market ASAP

Too damn FUN KNEE!! While I have never indulged in these as yet unmarketed products, I have had epic battles in my shower. Mostly involving stubborn shampoo lids or the last tiny puff of shaving cream, or the dreaded plastic safety razor cover that you just know will shred your finger if it slips while you're trying to remove it. But hey, I'd rather do that than drop my wineglass. I can't wait to get a shower hammer, loofahs suck.

Okay, I love your dog and think he is SUPERCUTE (thanks for friending me on FB). About the pictures - as one who has a rambunctious time stretching dog and an equally rambunctious time stretching toddler, get to know and love the setting on your camera that has an icon that looks like a blurry hand. That sport setting is your new "AUTO".

Yay! Most glad to see that the nasty disease thing you had last week hasn't carried you off. Even more glad to see that that fine brain of yours has been busy working at transforming our menfolk from a bunch of namby pamby, soft, flower-scented wussies, into the bleeding cavemen we all secretly long for! Keep it up.

I had a breakthrough. This needs to be made into an infomercial. With you narrating it. It would be like a combination of those 4 minute ads for extendable reachy arm claw/grabber things, and an episode of WWE Raw. Or at least what WWE Raw is like in my imagination. Either way, I'm betting it would be the most successful infomercial of all time.

So THAT'S why it took you so long to update! Genius like this takes time! I think my favorite line was "The closest your face will ever come to being shaved by a spaceship!" Totally classic. You're amazingly funny.

Yay for not being dead! I was having AWs (Allie Withdrawals) and hoping you were feeling ok. This post was worth waiting for! COURAGE (with Pomegranate) made me snort (yes, I'm at work and now all my cubeneighbors think I'm insane....). Thanks for coming back and not being dead also.

And it's especially funny for me because my bf and I have a running joke because once he said I should try using a loofah for some skin problem I was having and I was astounded he not only had one, but USED it too. So I made fun of him for it, and now he likes to take any opportunity to recommend I use a loofah. hee hee. So, I am sending him this post. :)

I don't know if you intended it or not, but this is a hilarious comment on how our culture sees basic hygiene as somehow gender specific. Judging from new products/commercials the past few years, it is apparently too feminine for guys to shower unless they are cleaning themselves with hammers that smell like testosterone. Awesome post. =)

You forgot the manliest clean of all, which is going hunting in marshlands at 5am in February, falling into a patch of frozen ice, being covered with burrs, drinking a fifth of Jim Beam, and then not showering ever again. All you need to do is clean a fish once a week to maintain.

I'm a little sad... I have read through your entire blog (even the B-sides) so I guess now I'm on live time. You know kinda like those people who netflix lost and watch three seasons a week until they catch up and get annoyed that they have to wait seven days between new episodes. Yeah, I'm one of those guys now.