experiencehttp://www.scarleteen.com/taxonomy/term/849/all
enHe Doesn't Want Sex Anymore. I Do. Now What?http://www.scarleteen.com/article/gender/he_doesnt_want_sex_anymore_i_do_now_what
<div class="question"><div class="question-question"> <p>My <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3385"><dfn title="In a sexual context, a person with whom someone is having some kind of sex. The term "partner" can be used for all kinds of relationships, not just serious ones. "Partner" can also mean the person someone is with in a romantic or familial partnership.">partner</dfn></a> and I have been dating for over a year now and have just begun to hit some rough patches. We used to have a lot of (what I thought was) really great <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3311"><dfn title="Different things people choose to do to actively express or enact sexuality and sexual feelings; often this involves genitals, but not always. The word sex also means a way people, animals or plants are classified based on their chromosomes, genitals or reproductive organs.">sex</dfn></a>. Then one day he told me that all that sex had been only mediocre for him. I was mortified and also ashamed because it felt like maybe he had never really want to have sex with me, he was just doing it because he knew I wanted to. Recently, he says that he might be <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3360"><dfn title="In the context of human sexuality, someone who either does not experience or has not yet experienced any sexual desires at all, or who has experienced/does experience sexual desires, but not a desire to enact them with other individuals.">asexual</dfn></a>, but he isn't sure. He's trans and in the middle of transitioning, so he says his body is changing. He says <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3312"><dfn title="Ways that people seek out and/or experience sexual pleasure by themselves, without a sexual partner.">masturbation</dfn></a> "works wonders" for him, and he feels no sexual <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3393"><dfn title="A feeling of strongly wanting something. In the context of sex, desire can be a strong feeling of a physical and psychological want for any kind of sex.
">desire</dfn></a> for me whatsoever. I've researched a/sexual relationships - the options are 1) me learning to like masturbation - I do, but it's not enough for me 2) him compromising to have sex, which reeks of non-<a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3340"><dfn title="To agree to do something or give permission. In the context of sex, a person is giving full consent/is consenting when they freely and actively agree to do something sexual with someone else; however, the person still has the right to change their mind at any point. A person is NOT consenting if they do not actively agree, have been forced or pressured in some way or are in a state where they are incapable of full consent (such as when asleep, under the influence of drugs or alcohol, or below the age of consent).
">consent</dfn></a> and grosses me out 3) an open relationship, which isn't an option for either of us. I'm sexual. I want to feel sexy and desired and to have sex and everything that goes along with it. But if he isn't, what am I supposed to do? Right now the solution feels like I should just repress my <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3502"><dfn title="The physical and emotional urge or feeling of desire for some kind of sex, which may include masturbation.
">libido</dfn></a> so I won't need to have sex any more, but I don't even know if that's possible. I'm at an age where I'm being told left and right to assert myself as a woman, as a sexual person, as a <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3344"><dfn title="In the context of sexuality, a broad term for sexual orientation that can describe any number of orientations which are not heterosexual. People who identify as queer may be bisexual or pansexual, gay or lesbian, questioning, asexual or more. ">queer</dfn></a> person - but it seems like all of that's stopping now. If I'm not a sexual woman any more, I don't even know if I can consider myself a woman. That's right, this is potentially <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3319"><dfn title="A person's own sense of whether and in what sense they feel they might be a man, a woman, a boy, a girl or gender nonconforming.
">gender identity</dfn></a> rocking for me. Please give me any and all advice. I'd appreciate it. - Sad, Confused, Terrified.</p>
</div></div><div class="more-link"><a href="/article/gender/he_doesnt_want_sex_anymore_i_do_now_what">read The answer</a> | <a href="/question/">ask your own</a></div> GenderPregnancy & ParentingRelationshipsSexualitySexual IdentityAdviceasexualbreakupschangecompromiseconsentdesireexperienceidentityincompatibilitylossmoving onneedsperspectivesrelationshipsself-imagesexsexualsexualitysexytransitionwantsThu, 02 Oct 2014 19:22:59 +0000Heather Corinna7458 at http://www.scarleteen.comFrom Emily, Who Really Gets It.http://www.scarleteen.com/blog/heather_corinna/2013/02/27/from_emily_who_really_gets_it
<p>Scarleteen's users are diverse, as are the reasons they find us, and the issues they bring to us. For some, the needs are as basic as needing to know how and when to use a <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3356"><dfn title="A thin sheath or tube of latex or another material, worn over the penis during sex to prevent or reduce the risk of pregnancy and/or sexually transmitted infections.
">condom</dfn></a> or a hormonal contraceptive, or learning the names and functions of body parts. Some want help figuring out if <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3311"><dfn title="Different things people choose to do to actively express or enact sexuality and sexual feelings; often this involves genitals, but not always. The word sex also means a way people, animals or plants are classified based on their chromosomes, genitals or reproductive organs.">sex</dfn></a> with another person is something they want or not, or are ready for; some need help learning to negotiate or assert their <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3348"><dfn title="About or relating in some way to sex or sexuality.">sexual</dfn></a> or interpersonal wants and needs. Many just need to know, from especially from someone who doesn't want anything from them, that it's okay for them to have sexual feelings and a sexuality. Many users like these have access to sexual healthcare, supportive and caring families or communities, and haven't experienced great sexual or interpersonal traumas. For those users, we're often something they need, but not something they can't manage without. We're a valuable helper, but not the only help they've got to draw on.</p>
<p>Some of our users come to Scarleteen just once or twice: reading an article or column or two, then perhaps having a conversation with us to get some extra information, or to get help putting the information they've read into the context of their own lives and choices. </p>
<p>Others stay longer: weeks, months, and sometimes, for years. </p>
<p>Those kinds of users often come to us with more complex issues, personal histories or circumstances: with a past or current history of some kind of neglect, <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3401"><dfn title="Purposeful harm or mistreatment of another person, which can be verbal, emotional, physical or sexual. An ongoing pattern or cycle of such mistreatment or harm can characterize an abusive relationship.
">abuse</dfn></a> or assault, with strong sexual fears, guilt or shame, with dangerous misinformation gleaned from abstinence-only programs or other <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3404"><dfn title="People older than you who probably drive you batty. Or, people whose age in years exceeds the legal age of majority; people considered to be adults by law.
">adults</dfn></a> with religious or moral agendas, with physical or cognitive disabilities, with lack of access to healthcare or other kinds of essential care, with nonacceptance from family, friends or communities for their sexualities or the core of who they are as people. Some arrive to Scarleteen long after they needed basic sex and sexuality information and support: like those already experiencing an unwanted or unplanned <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3390"><dfn title="The state of carrying a developing embryo or fetus within the uterus. Medically, someone is considered to be regnant when an egg has been fertilized by sperm, cells divide, and the fertilized egg is implanted within the lining of the uterus.">pregnancy</dfn></a>, already having contracted a sexually transmitted illness, already in a sexual <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3307"><dfn title="Some kind of ongoing interaction or association with another person, place or thing.
There are all kinds of relationships: family relationships, friendships, romantic relationships and sexual relationships are a few, and sometimes those will overlap where we have more than one kind of relationship with someone. Sometimes people use the word relationship to only mean a romantic, "serious" or committed relationship, even though that's not all this word means.">relationship</dfn></a> that's not something they were ready for.</p>
<p>I know sexuality education and support may look simple: like a health class, where we talk about the basics of how to take care of one's health and protect it, where we talk about <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3337"><dfn title="The body, parts of the body, or physical structure of organisms like people, animals or plants.">anatomy</dfn></a> and body parts, and where we cover all sex can involve, and things like how and when to say yes, no, or maybe to sex. I wish I could say basic information like that -- essential, factual and nonjudgmental information on things like anatomy, sexual health and <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3402"><dfn title="Devices, medications or behaviors used to intentionally aim to prevent pregnancy, including the condom, the cervical barrier, the implant, the patch, the pill, the rhythm method, the ring, the shot, the IUD, spermicide and withdrawal.
">contraception</dfn></a> and managing interpersonal relationships -- was easily available to all young people. <b>But it's not.</b> However, Scarleteen certainly isn't the only place, online or off, where young people can find that, even though we've long provided it very well, and I know we're a place millions young people each year have chosen and prefer to find it.</p>
<p>Sometimes what users want and need from sexuality education and support, <i>is</i> that simple, but not always or often. Particularly when you're not using an out-of-the-box curriculum, lecturing a fixed group or using worksheets, but when you're working interactively, approaching sexuality holistically with the understanding that sex education which really serves someone can't ever be one-size-fits-all. </p>
<p>It's complex for anyone to navigate sexuality in adolescence and emerging adulthood. Any of us who have been young people know that. Even for young people whose lives have thus far been relatively charmed will often be challenged by, or struggle with, that process.</p>
<p>But it's far more complicated and confusing when you're trying to do that when your life, circumstances or experiences are such that you're already saddled with other huge challenges, or when what life is or has been like for you makes your emerging sexuality far more confusing or complex. While basic, accurate and nonjudgmental sexuality education and information isn't easy for any young person to find, for many young people, it's even tougher. Even some of the best sexuality education classes, programs and resources available to young people today simply aren't designed or implemented in ways where they can work or make real room for for young people who are something other than anyone's idea of an "average" young person (whoever that is). </p>
<p>We do "basic" sex education very well at Scarleteen. But we're hardly alone in that at this point. I feel that where we really shine, where we fill a void we've still yet to see others filling, especially so widely and so consistently, is when what our users require isn't at all basic. When they need education and support tailored to them uniquely, provided with care and a great deal of thoughtfulness, <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3361"><dfn title="A responsiveness to internal or external stimulus.">sensitivity</dfn></a> and compassion over not just days or weeks, but months or years, and where all of that considers and addresses issues, circumstances and concerns far larger than if someone they like likes them back, if they have an <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3354"><dfn title="An event typically in response to physical or intellectual sexual stimulation, controlled by the involuntary nervous system. Orgasm often results in muscle contractions in and around the genitals, other muscular spasms throughout the body, and a feeling of sexual and/or tension release.">orgasm</dfn></a> or not, if they're okay with how their bodies look, if they have a <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3438"><dfn title="Any number of methods people use to intentionally prevent unwanted pregnancy, including the condom, the cervical barrier, the implant, the patch, the pill, the rhythm method, the ring, the shot, the IUD, spermicide and withdrawal.
">birth control</dfn></a> method without side effects that drive them up a tree.</p>
<p>It's this kind of sex education and support, this way we work, that at the end of the day, I feel so proud of. This is the real reason that people who have used Scarleteen and say there is nothing else like it will tend to say that. It's this kind of sex education and support that makes us stubbornly keep sticking it out, year after year, and refusing to give up, no matter how slim the budget and how much coffee we need to mainline to keep working to serve our user's needs. </p>
<p>Because it's these young people who need us to never give up on them. People like Emily.</p>
<p>Emily has used our services and resources for over a decade. Her needs were complex, with a history and present challenges underlying all of them. Emily still needed the same basic sex education as anyone else, but as with other users like her, she also needed that information tailored and clarified to suit her unique, complex and very difficult circumstances, like being a survivor of longtime sexual abuse, help finding and using local resources and crisis care (in an area where finding either was also very hard to do), and a great deal of consistent, ongoing emotional support; she needed a service where no one was going to give up on her and where anyone who got involved did so with the intent to see her not just some of the way through, but all the way through. The fact that we could do that for her, that we did do that for her, and that she has, in fact, come all the way through? This is why we do what we do. Awards are wonderful. A living wage, and the money to develop more tools are fantastic. But they pale compared to this: being able to help someone like Emily make it through, and make it through whole, on her way to not just a healthy sexual life, but a whole life of quality she feels excited about and hopeful for? It just doesn't get any better than that.</p>
<p>Emily offered to write something for us about the value of Scarleteen: I couldn't be more grateful. Many of our users and supporters understand the value of Scarleteen, but a user like Emily so deeply understands all of what we can give to a young person who comes to us and utilizes every part of what we offer. She doesn't owe us a thing, but I'm so touched she wanted to give back in this way. I think that for anyone who perhaps doesn't understand the scope and depth of what we can do, Emily can explain it better than anyone.</p>
<h3>* * * * *</h3>
<p>Eleven years have gone by since I first came to Scarleteen as a very frightened, very lost sixteen year-old who had nowhere else to go and was ready to give up altogether.</p>
<p>Writing my story out like this is so important to me, for so many reasons. </p>
<p>My life has never been easy, although I don't think anyone's ever really is. I was born into a family who had so much dysfunction. They also never planned to have a third child, me. </p>
<p>I know now, I am finally getting to know, that none of that was anything really to do with me at all, but for most of my life I carried it around with me. I thought everything that happened to me in my life would therefore be a punishment for being the baby who ruined my family. I had never been told anything different. I had never been shown any genuine love or care by the people who brought me into this world.</p>
<p>Through my family, I was exposed to people who seek out children like me to abuse. And as a child, I was an abusers dream. My family didn't care about me, I was on my own often and because I had never learned to trust adults in my life, keeping me quiet was all too easy a task. </p>
<p>I was sexually and physically abused by the same man and his friends for over seventeen years. For nearly the whole of my childhood, adolescence, and into my adulthood. </p>
<p>I don't have many happy memories from my childhood or teen years. I immersed myself in schoolwork and sports and tried to imagine what life must have been like for my friends who complained about teachers and parents who cared what time they went to bed.</p>
<p>But eleven years ago I found Scarleteen. </p>
<p>I was so frightened to reach out on the message boards because I really believed that everything that was happening to me was my own fault. I was so ashamed to ask for help. </p>
<p>I don't remember now what I wrote or what I asked for. But I will never forget seeing a response from Heather which read <i>"I believe you, and I care." </i> </p>
<p>Even now as I type this, I'm overwhelmed with emotion as I read those words. Never before in my life had I had someone say those basic things to me, or anything like them. Heather and the volunteers were always there, remained there, for me even when my messages were confused and repetitive and I didn't really know what I needed: they were just there.</p>
<p>Scarleteen was the only constant positive thing I had in my life. It was the only place I could go and ask questions about what was happening to me, from unplanned pregnancy to relationship issues and most importantly how to keep myself safe and alive during the worst of times.</p>
<p>Scarleteen is so much to me: it's the first place I ever felt worthwhile, and the only place I ever felt truly safe. It was the first place I ever voiced what was really happening in my life, and the only place where anyone cared when I did. </p>
<p>Heather, the volunteers and other members of Scarleteen's community helped me to become who I am today. Most importantly, they taught me that I never deserved what had happened to me. They taught me that family does not start and end with just those who are blood relations. They supported me to report my abuser, who this year, finally, has been put behind bars.</p>
<p>Having a place like Scarleteen available to young people like me is so important. I am proof of that. My life would not be what it is today had I not had Scarleteen available to me and the amazing staff and volunteers. In fact, I am quite sure I probably would not have any life at all.</p>
<p>Young people deserve to have a place like Scarleteen. They deserve answers to their questions, yet are so often disregarded everywhere else. I want my story to be heard, because I want to make sure that other young people who need help and advice will have a place to go where they will be listened to and believed and cared for just like I have been. </p>
<p><b><a href="http://www.scarleteen.com/article/etc/young_people_need_our_help_and_support_we_need_yours">A donation to Scarleteen, supporting a place like Scarleteen, is a gift to young people like me which is unlike any other</a></b>. My story is proof of that. <i>- Emily</i></p>
abuseassaultcareencouragementexperiencefirst-persongivinghelpholisticrapescarleteenservicessex educationsupportsurvivinguniqueusersWed, 27 Feb 2013 17:11:10 +0000Heather Corinna6308 at http://www.scarleteen.comI'm an introvert, but I want to start dating.http://www.scarleteen.com/article/advice/im_an_introvert_but_i_want_to_start_dating
<div class="question"><div class="question-question"> <p>I'm 19 and I've never even been kissed. No guy has ever shown any interest in me in that way. I am so tired of waiting. I feel like I'm missing out on this huge part of life, like there's this line separating me. I think part of the reason might be that I don't go to parties and things like that. But I don't know what to do about that, I don't have many friends that are into that scene and the one friend who is, I don't want to go with because I would just end up standing awkwardly in the corner. </p>
<p>I'm an introvert and I just don't know what to do. People see me as the cute innocent girl, but I don't think I could be any more interested in <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3311"><dfn title="Different things people choose to do to actively express or enact sexuality and sexual feelings; often this involves genitals, but not always. The word sex also means a way people, animals or plants are classified based on their chromosomes, genitals or reproductive organs.">sex</dfn></a>. I'm constantly reading smutty romance novels and I love learning about sex. I feel like I'm going to end up knowing too much considering I'm a virgin or I'm going to be freaked out because I've waited too long.</p>
</div></div><div class="more-link"><a href="/article/advice/im_an_introvert_but_i_want_to_start_dating">read The answer</a> | <a href="/question/">ask your own</a></div> GenderPoliticsRelationshipsSexualityAdviceagechoicesdatingexperienceinexperienceintroversionintrovertlifeoptionsrelationshipssexsexualityshyskillssocialvirginyoungSun, 06 Jan 2013 18:25:24 +0000Robin Mandell5906 at http://www.scarleteen.comI trust him and I want him, but things are moving WAY too fast!http://www.scarleteen.com/article/advice/i_trust_him_and_i_want_him_but_things_are_moving_way_too_fast
<div class="question"><div class="question-question"> <p>I'm only 14 and a freshmen and I've only been dating my boyfriend for about two weeks and we have been moving pretty quickly. We have been friends for a really long time and I really like and trust him but I feel like we are moving too quickly. He has already fingered me and I've given him a handjob, and he's been talking about <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3311"><dfn title="Different things people choose to do to actively express or enact sexuality and sexual feelings; often this involves genitals, but not always. The word sex also means a way people, animals or plants are classified based on their chromosomes, genitals or reproductive organs.">sex</dfn></a>. I think I am way too young and I definitely dont feel ready but when we're doing things and I'm really turned on I sometimes actually want to have sex. I am really curious what actual sex is like, and I want to try it. But I know in the long run I will regret it. How do I stop myself from doing something solely based off of my hormones? How do I explain to my boyfriend that I dont want to have sex?</p>
</div></div><div class="more-link"><a href="/article/advice/i_trust_him_and_i_want_him_but_things_are_moving_way_too_fast">read The answer</a> | <a href="/question/">ask your own</a></div> GenderRelationshipsSexualityAdviceboyfriendchoicescommunicationdevelopmentexperiencefriendsgirlfriendhormonesintercourselearningpacingreadinessreal sexrelationshipssaying nosexslowing things downtalkingteentoo fasttoo soonwaitingTue, 09 Oct 2012 16:24:33 +0000Heather Corinna5533 at http://www.scarleteen.comHe gets oral sex from me: what can I do to get him to give me some?http://www.scarleteen.com/article/advice/he_gets_oral_sex_from_me_what_can_i_do_to_get_him_to_give_me_some
<div class="question"><div class="question-question"> <p>I'm 19 and have been with my boyfriend (also 19) for a little over two years. In the last year, our <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3307"><dfn title="Some kind of ongoing interaction or association with another person, place or thing.
There are all kinds of relationships: family relationships, friendships, romantic relationships and sexual relationships are a few, and sometimes those will overlap where we have more than one kind of relationship with someone. Sometimes people use the word relationship to only mean a romantic, "serious" or committed relationship, even though that's not all this word means.">relationship</dfn></a> has progressed sexually (but both of us have decided not to have <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3336"><dfn title="When people interlock their genitals and move together as feels good to them for the purpose of sexual stimulation and/or reproduction.">intercourse</dfn></a>). A few months ago, he performed <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3330"><dfn title="Use of the mouth, lips or tongue for sexual stimulation. Cunnilingus ("going down on"), fellatio ("blowjobs") and analingus ("rimming") are some common kinds of oral sex.">oral sex</dfn></a> on me. I'd given him blowjobs before and he asked if he could reciprocate. Afterward, though, he was really quiet. I got the nerve to him about it. He admitted he didn't like it. A few months passed, and we decided to try it again, to see if his opinion changed at all. Again, he said it wasn't his cup of tea. We decided it was best not to discuss it anymore because it wasn't working out. </p>
<p>I appreciate he at least tried to make an effort to reciprocate, because he said he felt bad for taking more than he gave, and I know he feels really bad he doesn't like it. But at the same time, he still won't do it. It's frustrating for me because I loved the feeling of it and I haven't been fully satisfied with him just fingering me. How do I bring this up after like months without making it sound like I'm upset with him or guilting him into giving me oral sex again? Other than this, we have a very healthy relationship. I love him a lot and he loves me too.</p>
</div></div><div class="more-link"><a href="/article/advice/he_gets_oral_sex_from_me_what_can_i_do_to_get_him_to_give_me_some">read The answer</a> | <a href="/question/">ask your own</a></div> GenderPoliticsRelationshipsSexualityAdviceacceptancebalanceboundarieschoicescommon groundcommunicationcompatibilityconsentdealbreakersdesiredouble standardenjoyexperiencegoing downhealthlikelimitsmennegotiationnewobligationoral sexpartnerpleasurepressurerealtionshipsreciprocalreciprocityresponsibilitysexsexualityFri, 25 May 2012 15:20:07 +0000Heather Corinna3746 at http://www.scarleteen.comI grew up told sex like I just had was absolutely off-limits: what now?http://www.scarleteen.com/article/advice/i_grew_up_told_sex_like_i_just_had_was_absolutely_offlimits_what_now
<div class="question"><div class="question-question"> <p>Hey! I'm 19, and from a very conservative background-Republic, Christian, the whole shebang. I'm a freshman at a pretty liberal college now, and I admit that I've gone the tiniest bit nuts with my newfound freedom. Before coming to college, I'd only made out with three guys - all of whom were Christian, all of whom I was dating at the time. But last weekend, I went home with a guy I didn't know, and I gave him a blow job and he fingered me. I was very adamant about NOT having <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3311"><dfn title="Different things people choose to do to actively express or enact sexuality and sexual feelings; often this involves genitals, but not always. The word sex also means a way people, animals or plants are classified based on their chromosomes, genitals or reproductive organs.">sex</dfn></a>, because I know I want that to be with someone I love.</p>
<p>I'm feeling pretty guilty now, though. Everyone would be so disappointed back home, because it was made clear to me that EVERYTHING is off limits till marriage. It felt great at the time, but do you think it's bad because I didn't know him at all?</p>
</div></div><div class="more-link"><a href="/article/advice/i_grew_up_told_sex_like_i_just_had_was_absolutely_offlimits_what_now">read The answer</a> | <a href="/question/">ask your own</a></div> PoliticsSexualityAdvicebeliefsBiblechangeschoicescollegeconservativeethicsexperiencefeelingshooking upidentitylearninglifelivingone-night standreligionsafetyselfsexsexualitySTIsvaluesWed, 23 May 2012 16:07:09 +0000Heather Corinna5211 at http://www.scarleteen.comAm I right to feel like a slag?http://www.scarleteen.com/article/advice/am_i_right_to_feel_like_a_slag
<div class="question"><div class="question-question"> <p>Heya: so I have always had really strong principles when it comes to <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3311"><dfn title="Different things people choose to do to actively express or enact sexuality and sexual feelings; often this involves genitals, but not always. The word sex also means a way people, animals or plants are classified based on their chromosomes, genitals or reproductive organs.">sex</dfn></a> and relationships. I always envisioned myself with a nice, steady boyfriend before I would do any more than just <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3313"><dfn title="Pressing one's lips against someone else's lips or some other body part to express affection and/or to seek out or provide sexual pleasure. May also include the tongue.">kissing</dfn></a>. About a month ago I was at a party and out of pure curiosity (not drunkeness) I made the decision to let a boy finger me, but I didn't really know him very well. At Christmas I let another boy finger me who I didn't know (again this was a conscious decision I wasn't drunk). But now I just feel sooo slaggy because it is against what I believe in and I feel so awful in myself. Am I right to feel like this, where should I go from here?</p>
</div></div><div class="more-link"><a href="/article/advice/am_i_right_to_feel_like_a_slag">read The answer</a> | <a href="/question/">ask your own</a></div> GenderSexualitySexual IdentityAdviceactionsadolescencecasualchoicescontextdiversitydoingethicsexperiencefriendsgrwoing uphooking uphookupidentitylearninglifeneedspressuresrelationshipssexsexualityslutvalueswantsworking it outFri, 10 Feb 2012 00:19:53 +0000Heather Corinna4828 at http://www.scarleteen.comScarleteen By The Numbers: The Results of Our Demographics Surveyhttp://www.scarleteen.com/blog/heather_corinna/2011/10/05/scarleteen_by_the_numbers_the_results_of_our_demographics_survey
<p>Every day, around 20,000 to 30,000 people come to Scarleteen online. We already know some basics about who our users are via backend site logs, Alexa, Google Analytics, the direct ways we engage with users daily and some demographics from years ago. This summer, we created a new demographics survey as part of a potential partnership with a fellow organization, and to get an additional, fresh source of information for ourselves.</p>
<p>Many of users mentioned they'd be curious about the survey results, one reason why we're sharing them with you here. Our supporters and potential supporters also often ask us about who our users are. In addition, we wanted to see these results too, to help us keep doing the best job we can. I'd like to share, then talk about some of the results with that aim. </p>
<p>We decided to limit our survey to 2,000 participants who completed it, a number that was manageable but also statistically significant. So, we cut the survey off once we had that number. We recruited for the survey by posting a link to it on our website, including at our message boards, as well as via our social media networks on Facebook and Twitter. The vast majority of participants came to the survey via the link to it on internal pages of the main website. We used SurveyMonkey to collect and compile the data.</p>
<p>There's a lot to look at and talk about, so I'm going to share this information in three or four posts. Today I'll fill you in on some of the most basic demographics from the survey, all of which required answers and the first set of answers from the section where answering was optional for participants. Next, I'll do two more posts with the remaining information that was optional, including some of the comments from participants. Last, I'd like to talk a little bit about what some of the findings of the survey suggest to me, how we intend to respond to them and get some user and community feedback on that as well. If anyone wants to start discussing any of this in the comments here before then, I'd be happy to do that with you. </p>
<p>I'm also including some links to on-site polls which are similar or relevant to some of the data, in case a comparison is of interest.</p>
<p>In the survey, users in the United states and all others outside the US answered separately, with 65% of respondents coming from the US, and 35% from other nations (a number of US readers about 20% higher than our logs and other analytics typically reflect). Here, all the answers have been combined and averaged, both for ease and because the answers did not differ significantly between US users and those outside the US.</p>
<p><b>Age:</b> The vast majority of our readers (79%) are under age 24; most are between the ages of 16 and 21 (53%). 13% are aged 13-15, 32% are 16-18, 21% are 19-21, 13% are 22-24, 11% and 25-30 and 10% are over 30. </p>
<p><b>Area:</b> Scarleteen users are primarily urban and suburban. 40% of those surveyed live in urban areas, 38% in suburban areas, 13% in rural areas, and 9% are unsure what type of area they live in. (We did not ask about economic status because so many of our users do not know what their yearly family income is, and do not want to disclose to their families they they are utilizing a <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3311"><dfn title="Different things people choose to do to actively express or enact sexuality and sexual feelings; often this involves genitals, but not always. The word sex also means a way people, animals or plants are classified based on their chromosomes, genitals or reproductive organs.">sex</dfn></a> education service.)</p>
<p><b>Sex and <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3320"><dfn title="Characteristics that are seen or presented as distinguishing between male and female. Gender may or may not include assigned or chosen: sex, social roles, feelings, behaviors and/or presentation or appearance.
">Gender</dfn></a>:</b> We differentiated between sex and gender in this survey, asking what sex users were assigned at birth, and, separately, what their <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3319"><dfn title="A person's own sense of whether and in what sense they feel they might be a man, a woman, a boy, a girl or gender nonconforming.
">gender identity</dfn></a> is. We did this this way for several reasons: gender tends to be far more relevant to us in serving users well than sex, we do not address sex and gender as the same as an organization, and we also already knew we have a substantial number of users whose assigned sex differs from their gender. </p>
<p>In addition, when asking about gender identity, we had fields for men/boy and women/girl and trans/trans gender, and assumed that some trans users would choose one of the former two fields rather than the trans field. We did this because we know that some prefer to identify specifically as trans, while others prefer not to identify specifically as trans, instead identifying their gender in the ways <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3303"><dfn title="Describes people who have a gender identity which is traditionally thought to “match” their assigned sex, and thought to “match” many or most of the roles, behaviors and appearances culturally expected of that sex. For example, someone who was sexed male at birth and whose gender identity is masculine; who also feels male. Often used in relation to transgender.
">cis gender</dfn></a> people most often do. This also had to do, again, with what is most relevant to us as an organization, which is how our users identify their gender, rather than how and if their gender matches the sex they were assigned at birth.</p>
<p>86% of participants were assigned female sex at birth, 13% male sex, and around 1% reported an <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3500"><dfn title="A socially constructed category that reflects real biological variation. Intersex is a general term used to describe a variety of conditions where a person is born with reproductive and/or sexual anatomy that doesn’t seem to, or isn't understood to, fit the typical definitions of female or male, and/or is born a chromosomal combination other than XX or XY. Some intersex conditions are Turner Syndrome, Androgen Insensitivity Syndrome, Klinefelter's Syndrome, MRKH and Congenital Adrenal Hyperplasia.
">intersex</dfn></a> assignment, did not know what sex they were assigned at birth, were not assigned a sex at birth to their knowledge or preferred not to answer the question.</p>
<p>80% stated they identify their gender as women or girls, 12% as men or boys, 4% as <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3471"><dfn title="Describes someone whose chosen gender identity is neither masculine nor feminine, is between or beyond genders, which rejects binary gender, or which is some combination of genders.
">genderqueer</dfn></a>, gender-variant or <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3472"><dfn title="A chosen or felt lack of gender identity.">agender</dfn></a>, 1% as questioning, 1% as trans or trans gender, and 1% stated they identified their gender in some other way than the fields above (with some identifying a <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3352"><dfn title="A term -- like homosexual, heterosexual, bisexual, queer, straight, lesbian, gay, asexual -- used to describe a person's usual or current pattern of emotional, romantic and/or sexual attraction to other people in terms of gender.">sexual orientation</dfn></a> as a gender identity, either because they misunderstood the question or because that also is or is part of their gender identity). Less than 1% preferred not to answer.</p>
<p>The other field for gender included answers such as "transfabulous and genderplayful," "gender abolitionist," "Strong female. I decide what that means day by day," "A man who is happy in a woman's body," "not a girl," "bigender," "<a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3530"><dfn title="Describes a person who is intentionally feminine in appearance, behavior, dress, identity or sexual attitude. Often used in relation to butch. Most often used in the LGBT community, but can refer to people of any orientation.">femme</dfn></a>," "<a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3432"><dfn title="Describes a person who is intentionally masculine in appearance, behavior, dress, identity or sexual attitude. Often used in relation to femme. Most often used in the LGBT community, but can refer to people of any orientation. However, some people see use of the word "butch" as an insult.">butch</dfn></a>," "Teddy Bear (<a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3456"><dfn title="Describes something society associates with or attributes to men and boys or a state, experience or assignment of being male.
">masculine</dfn></a>-leaning genderqueer)," and "boygirl." </p>
<p><b><i>Related poll:</i></b> <a href="http://www.scarleteen.com/node/2482">When it comes to my gender, I:</a></p>
<p><b><a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3348"><dfn title="About or relating in some way to sex or sexuality.">Sexual</dfn></a> orientation:</b> Scarleteen readers represent a highly diverse spectrum of sexual orientation. When asked what word respondents "use, or best describes, sexual orientation (who you are sexually/romantically attracted to, if anyone, based on gender)," 52% answered straight or <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3381"><dfn title="Someone who is only or mostly emotionally and sexually attracted to people of a different sex or gender than they are themselves.">heterosexual</dfn></a>, 19% <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3343"><dfn title="A term for sexual orientation which either describes a person who can be sexually and emotionally attracted to both men and women or merely to people of more than one gender.">bisexual</dfn></a> or <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3476"><dfn title="Someone who may be/is attracted to other people of any gender or sex, not just men or women. Pansexual is often used as a more inclusive term than bisexual, which supports or implies that gender is binary (which it isn't).">pansexual</dfn></a>, 8% stated they chose not to use any words or terms to identify their sexual orientation, 5% answered queer, 5% answered questioning, 3% answered <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3342"><dfn title="Describes the sexual orientation of a woman who is sexually and emotionally attracted only or mostly to other women.
">lesbian</dfn></a>, 3% answered <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3360"><dfn title="In the context of human sexuality, someone who either does not experience or has not yet experienced any sexual desires at all, or who has experienced/does experience sexual desires, but not a desire to enact them with other individuals.">asexual</dfn></a>, 2% answered <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3341"><dfn title="In the context of sexuality, a word for sexual orientation which either describes a man who is sexually and emotionally attracted to other men, or a person of any sex or gender who is sexually and emotionally attracted to people of the same or a similar sex or gender. Often used alongside lesbian.
">gay</dfn></a>, and 3% stated they identified their orientation with words or phrases not included in the fields given. 1% preferred not to answer the question.</p>
<p>The answers to the "other" field were most typically combinations of some of the above terms or the above terms combined with other aspects of sexual identity (like polyamory or monogamy, <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3452"><dfn title="Describes sexual play and/or relationships involving exchanges of power and pain. B = bondage, D = discipline and/or dominance, S = submission and/or sadism, M = masochism.
">BDSM</dfn></a>, celibacy, fantasy, the <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3393"><dfn title="A feeling of strongly wanting something. In the context of sex, desire can be a strong feeling of a physical and psychological want for any kind of sex.
">desire</dfn></a> or lack of desire for romantic relationships, attraction based on age, etc.). </p>
<p><i><b>Related poll:</b> <a href="http://www.scarleteen.com/node/973">When it comes to my sexual orientation, I think I am:</a></i></p>
<p><b>Ethnicity or race:</b> A majority of responses were from white users. 68% identified as Caucasian, European or White, 8% as Asian, 4% as African, African-American or Black, 4% as Hispanic, Latino/a, Mexican or Mexican-American, 8% as Biracial/bicultural or multiracial/multicultural, and less than 1% as American Indian/Native American, First Nations or Alaskan Native, Arab or Arab-American or Pacific Islander. 3% chose other, and these most often were answers reporting a bicultural or mutlicultural race or ethnicity, reporting a religion as a race/ethnicity, stating a national identity as a race or ethnicity (such as Irish, French or American), specifying a South Asian ethnicity, or an AU/NZ aboriginal ethnicity. 4% preferred not to answer the question.</p>
<p><b>Education:</b> Most of our users are in or have completed K-12 education or college/university. Less than 1% reported never attending any type of schooling, 2% reported their highest level of education as K-12 education via homeschool or another setting, 41% reported K-12 in traditional school settings, 12% reported 2-year college, vocational school or other higher education, 25% reported 4-year college, vocational school or other higher education, 6% reported some graduate school, 8% have completed graduate school, and 5% chose other (most of the these answers involved GEDs, alternative education or were responses which referenced/were included in the above categories).</p>
<p><b>How did users first find Scarleteen?</b> The vast majority of users (77%) found Scarleteen online, via a search engine or a link on another website. 40% report they first found us via a search engine, 37% via a direct link on another website, 6% were referred by a friend or romantic/sexual partner, 2% via a sex education class, group or independent sex or health educator, 2% via a book or magazine, 1% through a teacher, coach or other mentor, less than 1% by a parent or guardian, less than 1% by a <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3448"><dfn title="A qualified person to provide sound physical and/or mental healthcare, such as a doctor, nurse, clinician, counselor, medical assistant, midwife or other healthcare professional.">healthcare provider</dfn></a>, and 5% found Scarleteen some other way. 7% don't remember.</p>
<p>The other responses included links to websites (so should have been included via that field instead), listed books (so, again, should have been included under books), podcasts including those of Dan Savage, Susie Bright and Amanda Palmer, radio, sex education text services, and "my awesome lesbian cousin."</p>
<p><b>What are users' favorite parts of Scarleteen as a website and an organization?</b> Participants were able to choose more than one answer in this segment. The majority report that the articles (80%) and advice column (62%) are their favorite part of Scarleteen. The message boards are a favorite for 24%, the blog for 19%, the polls for 15%, the text service for 4%, the resource listings for other sites, agencies and services for 13%, and the new Find-a-Doc database for 6%. 9% list our facebook page as a favorite and 5% list our twitter accounts, @Scarleteen and @STSpeaks. 46% say that the parts of our website written by staff and other experts are a favorite, and 28% say first-person content written by young people is.</p>
<p><b>What have users used Scarleteen for?</b> Respondents were able to choose more than one answer in this segment. 53% said they used it to "find sexuality or relationships information or approaches I couldn't find anywhere else." </p>
<p>23% have used Scarleteen to "talk with others about sex or sexuality in a safe space," 21% to get emotional support, and 20% used it to get help or information when in a crisis. 24% have used us to find help or information for someone else, and 13% to give emotional support to others. 47% have used Scarleteen to find out about sex education in general, 16% to get ideas for activism, and 10% for research. </p>
<p>44% used Scarleteen to "fact-check information I heard/read somewhere else," 32% to get information a sexual healthcare provider/doctor didn't give them, and 3% to get a referral for in-person help or services.</p>
<p>Nearly equal numbers of respondents stated that they were using Scarleteen to find out about sexuality and relationships for the future (50%) as those who stated they were using it to get information for current relationships and situations (52%).</p>
<p>When given an open field to list other things they may have used Scarleteen for, the most common answer was getting information as a partner, guardian, teacher or healthcare provider to share with a young person. </p>
<p><i><b>Related poll:</b> <a href="http://www.scarleteen.com/node/3263">Which of the following did your sex ed in school (before any college) and/or at home include:</a></i></p>
<p>The following data is the first part of a section of the survey that was completely optional. Just over 1,500 respondents answered these questions. They were allowed to choose multiple answers. We asked these questions because we wanted a more well-rounded sense of some of the life experiences our users have or have not had, particularly those pertaining to sexuality and relationships, or which we know have an impact on sexuality and relationships:</p>
<p><b>Have you ever:</b></p>
<ul>
<li>been homeless or transient: 4.1%</li>
<li>had an eating disorder: 21.2%</li>
<li>felt suicidal: 51.2%</li>
<li>made a suicide attempt: 15.6%</li>
<li>been abused or assaulted (sexually or otherwise) by someone other than a family member: 24.7%</li>
<li>been abused or assaulted (sexually or otherwise) by a family member: 16.1%</li>
<li>had problems with drugs and alcohol: 10.2% </li>
<li>dated/had sex with someone you KNEW was bad news: 32.3%</li>
<li>been the victim of a hate crime: 5.6%</li>
<li>been in the juvenile detention system: 1.2% </li>
<li>been pregnant: gave birth and parented: 5.6%</li>
<li>been pregnant: gave birth and arranged an adoption: 0.6% </li>
<li>been pregnant: had an <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3309"><dfn title="A procedure to intentionally end a pregnancy before a birth. Miscarriage is also sometimes called "spontaneous abortion," even though it is usually not intended.
">abortion</dfn></a>: 4.9%</li>
<li>had an STI: 6.8% </li>
<li>lived on government/federal/public assistance: 12.5%</li>
<li>been bullied or harassed: 54.3%</li>
<li>suffered from anxiety or depression: 72.1% </li>
<li>felt afraid of your own sexuality: 41.6%</li>
</ul>
<p><b>Related polls:</b> </p>
<ul>
<li><a href="http://www.scarleteen.com/node/3766">So far (or if you're through them), how would you describe your teen years?</a></li>
<li><a href="http://www.scarleteen.com/node/3749">If you've been in or are in an unhealthy or abusive relationship, it has been:</a></li>
<li><a href="http://www.scarleteen.com/node/3179">Have you been sexually assaulted or abused?</a></li>
<li><a href="http://www.scarleteen.com/node/2558">Have you had an unplanned or unwanted pregnancy?</a></li>
<li><a href="http://www.scarleteen.com/node/2295">If you're in or have been in a sexual relationship, do you feel like it has been/was emotionally healthy?</a></li>
</ul>
http://www.scarleteen.com/blog/heather_corinna/2011/10/05/scarleteen_by_the_numbers_the_results_of_our_demographics_survey#commentsageareademographicseducationexperiencegenderidentitylifeonlineorientationscarleteensexsex educationstatisticsteenusewebsiteWed, 05 Oct 2011 02:29:49 +0000Heather Corinna4466 at http://www.scarleteen.comThe Clitoris, the Vagina and Orgasm: Feelings and Frameworkshttp://www.scarleteen.com/article/advice/the_clitoris_the_vagina_and_orgasm_feelings_and_frameworks
<div class="question"><div class="question-question"> <p>I'm a <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3342"><dfn title="Describes the sexual orientation of a woman who is sexually and emotionally attracted only or mostly to other women.
">lesbian</dfn></a> in my early twenties and I've heard the idea of the "vaginal <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3354"><dfn title="An event typically in response to physical or intellectual sexual stimulation, controlled by the involuntary nervous system. Orgasm often results in muscle contractions in and around the genitals, other muscular spasms throughout the body, and a feeling of sexual and/or tension release.">orgasm</dfn></a>" vs "clitoral orgasm" debunked here. But I'm feeling confused about how to reconcile that with my experience that orgasms when I'm stimulated in different ways feel different. Like, when just my clit is being stimulated, I come in one way, and when the walls of my vagina are being stroked, it's like a different kind of orgasm builds up--from deeper inside. The second kind tends to go on for longer, and be less "piercing" than orgasms where it's just my external <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3347"><dfn title="A sexual organ both external and internal on the vulva and inside the pelvis of female sex-assigned people that is similar to the penis, but serves no other known purpose besides providing sexual pleasure.">clitoris</dfn></a> being stimulated. Generally, those second ones feel more "complete" too. Both kinds feel good--I'm not knocking either one--but saying one feels more clitoral and one feels more vaginal feels like an accurate description. Do other people have this experience? </p>
<p>Also, I know Freud's idea about "vaginal orgasms" being more "mature" than "clitoral orgasms" is all messed up. But I've heard some older women talking about orgasms coming "more from inside" as they got older. Is there any evidence or do you have any reason to believe that this is true for many women?</p>
<p>I guess part of what I'm asking is, "am I imagining this difference?" When I've read that the idea of "vaginal orgasms" and "clitoral orgasms" is BS, that's seemed pretty cool and liberating. And yet, I do seem to experience these different kinds of orgasms. Can you help me understand all this? Thanks a lot.</p>
</div></div><div class="more-link"><a href="/article/advice/the_clitoris_the_vagina_and_orgasm_feelings_and_frameworks">read The answer</a> | <a href="/question/">ask your own</a></div> BodiesGenderPoliticsSexualitySexual IdentityAdviceanatomybodybranclitoralclitorisexperiencefeelinghistorylanguagemisinformationnervous systemorgasmpersonalsexsex educationsexual responsesexualityshorthandvaginavaginalwomenThu, 25 Aug 2011 18:55:05 +0000Heather Corinna4394 at http://www.scarleteen.comSummering Safe and Soundhttp://www.scarleteen.com/blog/heather_corinna/2011/07/08/summering_safe_and_sound
<p>Here in the hemisphere I live in, we're into the swing of summer. Ah, summer, my personal favorite season. I love the sun, the warmth, everything blooming, the energy, the spirit of the season. As an alternative educator all my life, though, I miss out on that thing where teachers get summers off (though I've also known few teachers in the public sector who could afford to take the summer off, anyway), and as the Executive Director and lead educator at Scarleteen, I <i>really</i> don't get downtime. Summer is and has always been our busiest season. Eh, so it goes.</p>
<p>It's also the time of year when we tend to see the most new users coming to us because they're in a crisis or a panic, or are just really, really feeling down in the dumps. I'm a lot more concerned about those of you in that space than I am about my feeling occasionally ripped off of a summer vacation. We know that the idea of summer as a happy, carefree time for all young people doesn't square with the reality that for plenty, it's not, whether that's about tough stuff happening, or about having experiences that aren't negative, but are just super-challenging.</p>
<p><b>With that in mind, here are a few tips and things to think about as you get into (or grapple with) your summer groove:</b></p>
<p><b>If you're doing any partying this summer, party safe.</b> Potential legal issues aside, we all know that when we're partying, particularly if that involves any kind of drugs or alcohol, that it can be pretty easy to cross the line from letting go a little to things winding up really out of control, sometimes to the point where people get hurt in very serious ways, whether that's about alcohol poisoning or drug overdoses, injuries, or <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3348"><dfn title="About or relating in some way to sex or sexuality.">sexual</dfn></a> or other assaults or abuses. Around <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3394"><dfn title="When someone is attacked, or attacks someone else, in a sexual way. Doing something sexual to someone who does not want that done to them, often by force or threat, or having something done to you sexually by someone else that is not wanted and/or which you have not consented to.">sexual assault</dfn></a> and other kinds of intimate <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3385"><dfn title="In a sexual context, a person with whom someone is having some kind of sex. The term "partner" can be used for all kinds of relationships, not just serious ones. "Partner" can also mean the person someone is with in a romantic or familial partnership.">partner</dfn></a> violence specifically, it's important to be very aware than even when just booze is part of the picture, the rate of abuse or assault goes up exponentially. The US Bureau of Justice Statistics, Alcohol and Crime, documented (1998) that two-thirds of victims of intimate partner violence reported that alcohol was involved in the incident, and that perpetrators of violence had been drinking in an estimated 45 percent of cases and their victims had been drinking in 20 percent of cases. In 2002 alone, over 70,000 students between the ages of 18 and 24 were victims of alcohol-related sexual assault in the U.S. <i>(Hingson, R., Heeren, T., et al. "Magnitude of alcohol-related mortality and morbidity among U.S. college students ages 18-24." Journal of Studies on Alcohol, 63)</i></p>
<p>When drugs or alcohol are on the scene, we've just got to know that while they may make us <i>feel</i> like we can be more relaxed, they're actually reasons we need to be more vigilant and mindful of our safety and the safety of others.</p>
<p>If you're hanging out with people you don't know well and trust -- it's pretty common to find oneself in or around new social circles when out of school -- bring someone with you who you do know and trust well, and you can look out for each other. Looking out for each other means helping each other to avoid being harmed, but also helping each other to avoid doing harm. Looking out for each other can also involve helping each other to stay moderate in your consumption of any substances, rather than binging or otherwise going overboard. Make a pact with whoever your party is that if either one of you seems like you're getting out of control or someone else seems to be aiming their out-of-control towards you, you'll help get both of you out of there, and to a safe space, ASAP. Don't forget that you, like everyone else, also always have the option to just opt out of parties where there's drinking or drugs, which can be a particularly smart choice if you don't feel confident about dealing with the tough stuff that can happen in those situations or don't have anyone you know will have your back, without question.</p>
<p>Avoid choosing to get sexual with someone when you're intoxicated in any way, especially someone you don't already have some kind of solid history with where you know you both can do a good job looking out for one another and have a good sense of each other's boundaries and <a href="http://www.scarleteen.com/article/boyfriend/drivers_ed_for_the_sexual_superhighway_navigating_consent">nonverbal consent and nonconsent cues</a>. If you're feeling the sexy vibes and want to pursue some kind of sex with someone in that situation, the better bet is to just trade numbers then, and connect again later when you're both sober. Not only does that help keep you safe, it also helps you avoid choosing to be sexual with someone who seems awesome and amazing when you're blitzed, but in the light of day, without the beer goggles, is the last person on earth you'd want to get down with.</p>
<p><b>Want extra tips on partying safely? Check out the following resources for some helps:</b><br />
<b>
<ul>
<li><a href="http://dancesafe.org/">DanceSafe</a></li>
<li><a href="http://safeparty.ucdavis.edu/">SafeParty from UC Davis</a></li>
<li><a href="http://www.cyh.com/HealthTopics/HealthTopicDetails.aspx?p=240&amp;np=300&amp;id=2333">Tips from South Australia's Children, Youth and Women's Health Service</a></li>
<li><a href="http://www.madd.org/media-center/media-library/safe-party-guide.html">MADD's Safe Party Guide</a></li>
</ul>
<p></p></b></p>
<p><b>Summer can mean having more time where your parents or guardians aren't around, which can often mean more private time.</b> For sex. It's great not to have any kind of sex in a five-minute rush or a back-of-the-mind panic around people coming home, but just because you might finally have the chance for some real lone time doesn't mean that's what you or a partner are ready for, or what's right right now, just because you have more space and place for it.</p>
<p>So, know what else you have extra time for? Opening your mouth. Communicating clearly, openly and well with current or potential sexual partners. Asking each other the big questions, and making sure that your sex life isn't just about feeling things out with your hands or other body parts, but also about feeling things out in hearts and minds, together. Take advantage of that extra space for talking more about sex instead of just having more sex. Not only does more <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3462"><dfn title="Various ways we express and share feelings or thoughts, such as through speech, written words or symbols, sign language, body language, touch or art.">communication</dfn></a> tend to result in smarter choices and less STI, <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3390"><dfn title="The state of carrying a developing embryo or fetus within the uterus. Medically, someone is considered to be regnant when an egg has been fertilized by sperm, cells divide, and the fertilized egg is implanted within the lining of the uterus.">pregnancy</dfn></a> and iffy emotional risks, it also tends to result in better sex that people enjoy a lot more. Part of talking more is about protecting each other from the crummy stuff, but it's also about nurturing the fun stuff, about communication that expresses what you've been enjoying, what you want to explore, and all the positive ways you're feeling. feeling tongue-tied? <a href="http://www.scarleteen.com/article/sexuality/be_a_blabbermouth_the_whys_whats_and_hows_of_talking_about_sex_with_a_partner">We can help.</a></p>
<p>Our users also often voice that during the school year, finding the time or space to get the sexual healthcare they need can be tough. So, how about taking advantage of the extra time during summer for that? If you're already <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3439"><dfn title="Someone who has had or is currently having some kind of genital sex with a partner or partners.">sexually active</dfn></a> make sure you make time this summer to get up-to-date with STI testing, other preventative care, and with your method of <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3402"><dfn title="Devices, medications or behaviors used to intentionally aim to prevent pregnancy, including the condom, the cervical barrier, the implant, the patch, the pill, the rhythm method, the ring, the shot, the IUD, spermicide and withdrawal.
">contraception</dfn></a> if you need one. If you're not sexually active now, but think you might be soon, how about scheduling en educational visit with a sexual <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3448"><dfn title="A qualified person to provide sound physical and/or mental healthcare, such as a doctor, nurse, clinician, counselor, medical assistant, midwife or other healthcare professional.">healthcare provider</dfn></a> to find out ahead of time what you need to know to make your own best choices and be prepared to be sexual while still reducing your risks of unwanted or unhealthy outcomes? Need help finding a provider? We can help with that, either through our <a href="http://www.scarleteen.com/find_a_doc">youth services database here</a>, or can give you one-on-one help via <a href="http://www.scarleteen.com/forum/ultimatebb.php">our message boards</a> or <a href="http://www.scarleteen.com/text_scarleteen">text service</a> to find someone you can access and afford near you.</p>
<p>Remember, you also have some extra time to get the sex information and education that you need. So, that thing or issue you feel like you don't know that much about, or aren't sure you have the right information on? That occasional rainy day is a time when you can really take time going through a site and resource like <a href="http://www.scarleteen.com/">this one</a>.</p>
<p><b>Grand romance...stuffed into five minutes.</b> If we do get involved in a summer romance (or lustmance, or both), especially if we're away from home, or the other person is, it can be easy to feel like we have to try and cram things that would part of a longer <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3307"><dfn title="Some kind of ongoing interaction or association with another person, place or thing.
There are all kinds of relationships: family relationships, friendships, romantic relationships and sexual relationships are a few, and sometimes those will overlap where we have more than one kind of relationship with someone. Sometimes people use the word relationship to only mean a romantic, "serious" or committed relationship, even though that's not all this word means.">relationship</dfn></a> into a very short time, or rush into things because we worry the opportunity we've got is the only one we have. It can feel sometimes like we need to have or create the Cliff's Notes version of a relationship.</p>
<p>By all means, if you feel good about being spontaneous, and you and whoever else is involved can have things move a little faster than usual while still feeling prepared, emotionally and practically, to deal with that and the outcomes, it's not like there has to be anything wrong with a taste of the whirlwind. Just be sure that you do try and check in with yourself and the other person often and thoughtfully, rather than getting too caught up in the flow. There's always time for talking and negotiating, and if and when there's not, that's often the signal of a bad-news scenario you'll probably regret, rather than the makings of a lovely, wistful summer memory. The really good stuff in life rarely is something that won't wait when we need to wait or feel like we or the other person would feel a lot better if we did, or like what we'd do in a hurry would be a lot more fun and beneficial if we slowed it all down some. </p>
<p>Need some help with that? <a href="http://www.scarleteen.com/article/advice/whoa_there_how_to_slow_down_when_youre_moving_too_fast">We've got a piece that can help you out.</a></p>
<p><b>Sex couldn't possibly be more boring than this.</b> Oh, sure it could.</p>
<p>You don't need me to tell you that sometimes life is boring, and that it's easier to get really, really bored if you're out of school and don't have anything, or enough, to do. Sometimes that winds up resulting in having sex because we're bored.</p>
<p>Often, that tends to be a pretty crummy motivation to have sex, no matter how old people are, and one that often results in sex that isn't that exciting, either, or which we wouldn't otherwise choose if we were not So. Very. Freaking. Bored. If and when we feel apathetic and super-whatever about life, we can also wind up taking some sexual risks we'd rather not, too.</p>
<p>This is just another place to check in with yourself and someone else. If you or they seem or feel like you're settling, just accepting sex because it's there and nothing else really is, or besides being sexual time spent together is a total yawner, find something ELSE to do that isn't so boring, something that engages you, that you earnestly feel passionate about. Once you do that, you can review a potential sexual situation through clearer eyes, eyes without the murky, milky haze of nothing to do. And then if you do choose to be sexual, still, chances are good it's not only going to be safer and sounder, but also a lot more interesting, rather than just one more thing to feel bored with.</p>
<p><b>Summer lovin'...when it's about everyone but you.</b> Speaking of summer romances, maybe it's not you having one. Maybe it's your best friend. or a few of your friends, Or, good gawd, all of your friends. Except you. You might feel lousy about that, both because they seem to be having such an amazing experience, and because on top of that, you've wound up with less to do and experience yourself this summer with your friends all tied up in romances. </p>
<p>We're not going to say that can't suck, because it really can. But do try and keep it in perspective, and remember that falling in love or in list aren't the only great adventures out there or ways to have awesome life experiences in summer or at any other time. In fact, when those are our only great adventures, it makes for a pretty blah life, usually with pretty blah people. </p>
<p>Figure out ways you can also get immersed and engaged in something great that really makes you stretch this summer, whether it's some travel, a summer job or volunteer gig (if your folks are paying your rent, take advantage of a time in life when you can work for free and thus, do anything you want!), or starting or finishing a creative project you can give loads of time to, whether that's starting or joining a band, making a zine, building a website, taking a self-defense class, constructing the world's largest sand castles, or forging a new trail in some nearby wilderness. Even just getting outside, without any real purpose or great aim, sure beats the alternative of not doing anything else at all but feeling lonely. It can also make getting through next winter feel like less of a drag.</p>
<p>If you're looking to meet new people for potential relationships, many of those things are also way better ways to do that than being the perpetual third wheel of your best friend and her girlfriend or sitting in your room being bitter and pissed.</p>
<p>If you're looking for volunteer opportunities or internships, here are some organizations we really like, and some resources to help get you started (<a href="http://www.scarleteen.com/scarleteen_volunteer_application">we also can always use volunteers, too!</a>):<br />
<b>
<ul>
<li><a href="http://www.volunteermatch.org/">VolunteerMatch</a></li>
<li><a href="http://www.feminist.org/911/jobs/joblisting.asp">The Feminist Majority Foundation's database of feminist jobs and internships</a></li>
<li><a href="http://www.amnesty.org/en/how-you-can-help">Amnesty International</a></li>
<li><a href="http://www.aclu.org/careers">The ACLU</a></li>
<li><a href="http://www.habitat.org/default.aspx?tgs=Ny85LzIwMTEgMTI6NDQ6MzcgUE0%3d">Habitat for Humanity</a></li>
<li><a href="http://www.ywca.org/site/pp.asp?c=djISI6PIKpG&amp;b=284783">The YWCA</a></li>
<li><a href="http://www.ywca.org/site/pp.asp?c=djISI6PIKpG&amp;b=284783">Do Something</a></li>
</ul>
<p></p></b></p>
<p><b>How did last year go for you as far as having the kind of support and community you need?</b> Summer can be a good time to set yourself up now to be better supported for the summer and the coming school year, and a good time to get help if we're stuck with anything in life, or struggling with things that we just don't seem to be making any headway with on our own. So, if you know you felt like you didn't have squat when it came to, say, <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3359"><dfn title="L = lesbian, G = gay, B = bisexual, T = transgender, Q = queer or questioning. Additional letters sometimes added include U = unsure, I = intersex, P = pansexual, A= asexual, S = straight allies.
">LGBTQ</dfn></a> community and backup last year, use some spare time now to find out what's around for you that you can use. Did you grapple with depression or anxiety last year? Why not talk to your doctor or community center about counseling resources while you have some extra time so that you can better enjoy the rest of the summer, and walk into the school year feeling more able to deal with it right from day one. Not sure what your new college offers in terms of any kind of support resources? Do some research now, before you go, so you know what those resources are before you need them in a pinch. Summer can be a really great time to take care of ourselves and feel great about it.</p>
<p>Don't forget: we're always available to help you, and not just in crisis, but with ways to help prevent being in crisis in the first place. We're glad to help you think through sexual and relationship choices carefully and with some extra perspective. We can help you better communicate your wants, needs, limits and boundaries to new partners or potential partners. We can help you figure out if a given kind of relationship or sexual situation really fits who you are, where you're at right now in your life, and if it does or doesn't seem likely to really fit what you know you want and need. We can also help you tweak things a bit when those relationships or situations seem mostly good, but when you know or get the sense that you or a partner want or need something a little different or extra for everything to shift from good to great.</p>
<p>Happy summer!</p>
http://www.scarleteen.com/blog/heather_corinna/2011/07/08/summering_safe_and_sound#commentsabuseadventurealcoholassaultBoredchoicescommunityconsentdrugsexperienceflingfriendshealthhealthyhelphooking upidentityjoblifelikelustpartypartyingpleasureraperelationshipsromancesafesafetysexslowing downso boredsummersupportteentoo fastvolunteeryoung adultFri, 08 Jul 2011 19:02:54 +0000Heather Corinna3821 at http://www.scarleteen.comLegit or Unfit? Finding Safe, Sound Sex Educators & Support Onlinehttp://www.scarleteen.com/article/etc/legit_or_unfit_finding_safe_sound_sex_educators_support_online
<div class="field field-type-text field-field-author">
<div class="field-label">Author:&nbsp;</div>
<div class="field-items">
<div class="field-item odd">
Heather Corinna </div>
</div>
</div>
<div class="field field-type-text field-field-introduction">
<div class="field-label">Introduction:&nbsp;</div>
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<div class="field-item odd">
How can you separate the wheat from the chaff when it comes to sex educators, sex education services and online sexuality spaces for young people online? We walk you through it so you can be more sure that wherever you&#039;re talking, you&#039;re getting good information in a space that&#039;s safe for you. </div>
</div>
</div>
<p>I once had someone on Twitter interact with me who claimed to be a teen <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3311"><dfn title="Different things people choose to do to actively express or enact sexuality and sexual feelings; often this involves genitals, but not always. The word sex also means a way people, animals or plants are classified based on their chromosomes, genitals or reproductive organs.">sex</dfn></a> educator. But they were saying some strange and unrealistic things about young people's sexuality, things that didn't ring true for me in the years I've done my job, and seemed off based on any conversation I'd had with other teen or young adult sexuality educators or read in sound sources. They were also saying what they were in a way that was outside general ethics most of us adhere to. When I questioned their statements, in a calm but direct way I would any colleague, they got angry and unprofessional, blew off other information out of hand and told me what they were saying was true and shouldn't be questioned because they worked with young people and sexuality in a few different places. When I asked where they worked and with what specific populations, they refused to tell me, stating they "could not tell me" because it needed to be "secret," but that I and others "should just trust them" as an expert.</p>
<p>Their refusal to disclose their name or who they worked for was all I needed to know <em>not</em> to trust them and to feel certain they did not do this work at all. Their intense reactivity, lack of professionalism and the elaborate story they had for withholding basic information all set off my radar. Blowing off other expertise and only privileging their own was one more signal this person was probably full of hooey.</p>
<p>I was able to know this person wasn't bonafide (and it later came to light they were even more shady than I thought), but that's largely because I've done the work I have for a long time, I've talked to many other real-deal educators, and I'm well-versed in the tactics of manipulative people. If I hadn't had that information and experience, it would have been easy to get snowed, and to give that person's information merit that wasn't sound. If I had been making decisions about my life or health, or about the lives and health of others, based on the advice of that person, I could have wound up endangering or misleading myself or other people.</p>
<p>Everyone knows some people are legit and some aren't. Most people know that not all advice is good advice; that not all information is sound information. Most people know that about sex educators, advice and information just like they know that about any other person or field. In sexology, sex therapy, sexual health and sex education, the quality of the work and the quality of the people doing it will always vary, just like it varies with general healthcare providers, other kinds of teachers, colleges, shoes, restaurants or anything else. This is just as true -- in some ways more so -- of services on the 'net as it is with services in person.</p>
<p>Sex education is very challenged in some parts of the world, and there's a lot of anti-sex ed propaganda and paranoia that every sex educator out there, especially those teaching young people, is skeevy in some way. While that certainly isn't true of most sex educators, online or off, unfortunately some people may use sex education or other avenues in sexuality online to mislead, <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3401"><dfn title="Purposeful harm or mistreatment of another person, which can be verbal, emotional, physical or sexual. An ongoing pattern or cycle of such mistreatment or harm can characterize an abusive relationship.
">abuse</dfn></a> or exploit others, or may present themselves as sound sex educators when they truly are not. Young people, unfortunately, can be particularly vulnerable to this kind of exploitation or abuse. Many people feel shame and fear around sexuality, especially if they or their sexuality has been marginalized in any way -- like if you're young, trans or otherwise <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3503"><dfn title="People who do not adhere to or who protest cultural rules or norms about dress, behaviors or activities for people based on their sex. ">gender nonconforming</dfn></a>, LGBQ, of color or poor. So, sometimes it can feel like anyone at all who'll answer your questions or even just be nice to you must be okay. That's fine, except when they're not, and/or when they're not giving you sound information.</p>
<p>Some of this is about how to find sound, accurate information about sex and solid sex educators. Some of it is about online safety, particularly around sexuality. We're generally safer online than we are offline, but there are ways in which we can be or be made unsafe online, like by disclosing identifying information, or by giving someone something very personal or sensitive that they may use for a different purpose than we shared it for, or use against us to harass, threaten or otherwise abuse or exploit us in some way. Our psychic, or emotional safety, is also no small deal. Trusting someone and being betrayed by that person can really mess us up, especially with something as loaded as sexuality.</p>
<h3>How can you tell who's legitimate and who isn't?</h3>
<p>Not every good sex educator or person you can trust to talk with about sexuality online and get reliable information from has one kind or set of credentials, nor one kind of experience or background. There are formal and informal routes into doing sex ed as your gig, and a lot of different avenues into the field. But even with our diversity, there are some common threads and some typical ways you can figure whose information and help you can trust and whose you probably shouldn't.</p>
<p><strong>A credible sexuality educator will usually have and demonstrate verifiable education, work experience and/or credentials in one or more of the following areas:</strong></p>
<ul>
<li>some form of medicine and/or healthcare</li>
<li>general and/or sexuality education</li>
<li>social work, psychology, therapy or counseling</li>
<li>sociology or sexuality research</li>
<li>sexuality journalism, arts or another humanities area</li>
</ul>
<p>What does verifiable mean here? That you can find out if that's true, like by using a search engine to check the website of a clinic, agency or school the person is saying they work for or by making a phone call to their most recent employer or <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3385"><dfn title="In a sexual context, a person with whom someone is having some kind of sex. The term "partner" can be used for all kinds of relationships, not just serious ones. "Partner" can also mean the person someone is with in a romantic or familial partnership.">partner</dfn></a>/supporting agency. If the educator is using a handle or pseudonym (a different name) online but works with or got their background via a different name, you can either ask them for that name or can ask them to call their employer or school in advance and disclose their handle/pseudonym to those folks so they can verify that person when you call.</p>
<p><div class="pullquote"><hr /><div class="quotecontent">Sometimes some of these things will be missing when information is still sound and an educator is safe. A new educator often won't have a lot of this stuff yet. Age, economic class and what population an educator serves also play a part in how many of the things on these lists an educator or service has. At the same time, when an educator or service has few or none of the things above, they should acknowledge that, and gladly to refer you to other educators or services who do. However good the information or advice from someone without these things seems, figure it's wise to double check with another source who's been around longer and has more of the items on these lists.</div><hr /></div></p>
<p><strong>A credible sexuality educator will usually have at least one or more of the following:</strong></p>
<ul>
<li>published pieces or other editorial work somewhere besides whatever one place they are giving advice or information, like on other websites, in books, magazines, and/or in academic or medical journals</li>
<li>done or be actively doing public talks, appearances (like in community centers or schools, on radio shows, podcasts, television or video/webcasts), group panels; attending professional conferences or meetings</li>
<li>done or be actively doing in-person teaching in a classroom, for community centers or at some other educational setting</li>
<li>a physical office space where they can be accessed in-person</li>
</ul>
<p>Not only are those places where you and others can see or read that person, someone who has done any of the above will usually have had their <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3378"><dfn title="The defining character or personality of an individual; who we feel like we are as a person. Identity is often used to talk about sexual identity -- who we are as sexual people, which can include things like our sexual orientation, our preferences and things we like and want in sex and sexuality, our sexual politics -- or gender identity, who we feel we are and identify as (even if only to ourselves) in terms of our gender.">identity</dfn></a> and credentials soundly verified. To get paid for a published piece or teaching you usually have to turn in tax documents, sign legal contracts and/or show some form of ID.</p>
<p><strong>A credible sexuality educator will typically gladly provide anyone:</strong></p>
<ul>
<li>their name, not just an internet handle</li>
<li>a current resume, CV or their educational and work background</li>
<li>personal and/or professional references or another means of verifying their identity and reputation</li>
</ul>
<p>Not everyone is or has been affiliated with these groups, but plenty of us who work in young adult or general sexuality education have some <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3307"><dfn title="Some kind of ongoing interaction or association with another person, place or thing.
There are all kinds of relationships: family relationships, friendships, romantic relationships and sexual relationships are a few, and sometimes those will overlap where we have more than one kind of relationship with someone. Sometimes people use the word relationship to only mean a romantic, "serious" or committed relationship, even though that's not all this word means.">relationship</dfn></a> with at least one of these groups (and usually more), and/or we or the agency or website we work for will be recognized by at least one of these groups, particularly in the United States or the UK:<br />
<strong> </strong></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<ul>
<li><strong><a href="http://www.aasect.org/">AASECT</a></strong></li>
<li><strong><a href="http://www.sexscience.org/">SSSS</a></strong></li>
<li><strong><a href="http://nsrc.sfsu.edu/">The National Sexuality Resource Center (NSRC)</a></strong></li>
<li><strong><a href="http://www.isis-inc.org/">ISIS </a></strong></li>
<li><strong><a href="http://www.fhi.org/en/index.htm">Family Health International</a></strong></li>
<li><strong><a href="http://www.plannedparenthood.org/">Planned Parenthood Federation of America (PPFA)</a> or <a href="http://www.ippf.org/en/">International Planned Parenthood Federation (IPPF)</a></strong></li>
<li><strong><a href="http://www.ala.org/ala/mgrps/divs/yalsa/yalsa.cfm">YALSA</a></strong></li>
<li><strong><a href="http://www.siecus.org/">SIECUS</a></strong></li>
<li><strong><a href="http://answer.rutgers.edu/">Answer</a></strong></li>
<li><strong><a href="http://www.arhp.org/">ARHP</a></strong></li>
</ul>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p>An easy way to check a sex information/education website or educator's chops can be by sharing that list with them and asking for a reference or two from someone who is part of or is affiliated with one or more of those groups.</p>
<p><strong>Some more basics? A credible sexuality educator will:</strong></p>
<ul>
<li>provide ways to be held accountable: to take real responsibility for the advice and information they give</li>
<li>always be glad to refer anyone to other healthcare and/or support services online or in-person</li>
<li>have colleagues who know and respect them</li>
<li>have good professional boundaries: even when being friendly, will act like a provider of services, not like a best bud, parent or a potential sexual partner; will recognize the difference between informal or intimate personal relationships and their role as an educator</li>
<li>not just tell you what you want to hear, be really scary or or give only supasexy sex tips. Advice and information will typically balance addressing the challenging, boring or bummer stuff as much as it addresses what can be ideal, awesome or fun</li>
<li>be transparent and reliable, not evasive or dodgy</li>
<li>base their counsel for you as much as possible on your life and values, not their own</li>
<li>utilize current, medically-sound information</li>
<li>not just be trying to sell you something</li>
</ul>
<h3>Some red flags for shady sexuality information websites or educators:</h3>
<p><strong>No clear policies:</strong> Online, that would include policies in accordance with or required by any national and international law pertaining to sex, youth and/or the internet, like COPPA or laws around sexual solicitation and <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3515"><dfn title="Written, visual or other kinds of media either expressly designed to elicit feelings of sexual desire and/or which people use to elicit those feelings.">pornography</dfn></a>, releases, or to medical privacy policies when relevant, like HIPAA or notice that the information being given cannot substitute from information from an in-person therapist or healthcare provider. If and when there are policies linked and listed, but an educator is not following those policies themselves, that's another red flag.</p>
<p><strong>Refusal to identify themselves clearly:</strong> Some areas of sex education or sexual healthcare can be especially risky to work in when it comes to being harassed or threatened, like working in <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3309"><dfn title="A procedure to intentionally end a pregnancy before a birth. Miscarriage is also sometimes called "spontaneous abortion," even though it is usually not intended.
">abortion</dfn></a>, with sexual offenders or with very marginalized populations. Usually for that reason, some sex educators use pseudonyms and are more guarded than other professionals with things like their home addresses or the names of family members. Not everyone can be a sex educator who wants to: for some, that would require sacrifices in their lives that would just be too much. But it's on us as educators to decide if this is or isn't work we can do while also providing what's needed for the people we serve. An educator or a sex education website should list identities and roles clearly and comprehensively and at least one person at any website or agency should know who everyone working there is. If a website or educators about page doesn't list who's who, and give you a good deal of transparent info about them, that should set your radar buzzing.</p>
<p><strong>Efforts to isolate you from other <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3404"><dfn title="People older than you who probably drive you batty. Or, people whose age in years exceeds the legal age of majority; people considered to be adults by law.
">adults</dfn></a> or support systems:</strong> A sound sex educator and support person <em>wants</em> you to be as well-connected to other systems of support in your life as possible, not to separate you from those systems or make everyone else's support but ours seem no good. If someone is trying to assure that your parents or other adults are NOT present when they interact with you, if they are suggesting or implying they are the only person you can talk to about your sex life, if they are presenting themselves as the safe or good adult and all others as unsafe or bad, or refuse to communicate with parents or other support people in your life when they or you ask for that, those are all big no-nos.</p>
<p><strong>No boundaries or poor boundaries:</strong> Sound sex educators have, set and respect good, professional and clear <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Personal_boundaries">boundaries</a>. That means we don't do things like push anyone to disclose things they don't want to, give clients/patients/students gifts or other "special" items or favors that others would not be given, act very flirtatiously, overshare about our own sex lives or ask the people we're supposed to be helping for advice or approval with our own sex lives. Good boundaries also mean that we always back off if anyone expresses discomfort (and respect discomfort, rather than presenting it as some sort of character flaw or lack of enlightenment).</p>
<p><strong>Lone Wolves or Me-too-ers:</strong> Credible sex educators network with others. If it seems like a website or sex educator isn't connected with anyone else in the field, or doesn't seem to have peers or mentors they work with or consult and who really know them, be wary. Same goes for educators who present themselves as being SO like you: having a similar age, being of the same <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3320"><dfn title="Characteristics that are seen or presented as distinguishing between male and female. Gender may or may not include assigned or chosen: sex, social roles, feelings, behaviors and/or presentation or appearance.
">gender</dfn></a>, sharing all the same or similar interests, listening to the same music, talking the same way as you. Even when our age or position is different, we can have lots of things in common, but a good educator just won't be trying that hard to connect with you that way. There are also excellent peer educators out and about in the world who <em>are</em> your same age, who you probably do have a lot in common with, but they won't tend to push it and will tend to be connected with a sound trainer, agency or organization.</p>
<p><strong>Presenting a personal sex life as an ideal or a qualification to be a sex educator:</strong> The idea that anyone can be a sex educator by virtue of having had sex (or abstained), even lots of sex, is problematic. It'd be like suggesting that we could all be massage therapists because we give a good backrub, professional chefs because we can cook our own dinner, or nurses because we can put band-<a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3415"><dfn title="Acquired immune deficiency syndrome (AIDS) is a very serious and often deadly disease of the immune system caused by HIV. AIDS itself can not be caught from another person, but those with AIDS have HIV, which is sexually transmissible. AIDS requires medical treatment.">aids</dfn></a> on our own wounds. While sex education is a field where there are a lot of different tracks to come through, and many different ways to do it, one thing any good sex educator will tell you is that they know their own sex life or what their friends report are often the WORST places to source sound information about sex because they're so subjective. We can factor that information into what we do in some ways, but we know to be very cautious about that, and to always balance out information we're gleaning from our own experiences with information from broader, less personal sources.</p>
<p>A sound sexuality educator, if they know anything at all, knows that human sexuality is about the most diverse thing there is and that what's right for one person can be totally wrong for someone else. Knowing that, good sex educators are careful not to present their own sex lives as ideal or aspirational -- like <em>"I LOVE doing [insert a sexual activity here], so you should/will too!"</em> -- or even share much about their own sex lives in the context of providing education.</p>
<p><strong>Presents themselves as the expert of everything:</strong> No one is the expert of everything. People who provide sound counsel and information will frequently make clear that given subjects or areas aren't within their study or expertise and will try to refer people out to others whose expertise it is. Every sex educator or service has limitations, and should be comfortable with having and expressing those limitations. As well, all of us know the study of sexuality is still actually very new, so you'll often hear us qualifying statements or information with phrases like "but we're still learning about this," or "but there's still not enough data/study on this to draw firm conclusions."</p>
<p><strong>Private or hidden <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3462"><dfn title="Various ways we express and share feelings or thoughts, such as through speech, written words or symbols, sign language, body language, touch or art.">communication</dfn></a>:</strong> If and when a sex educator or therapist has private communication with you no one else is seeing or supervising, you should be made aware of policies around that, including your privacy and legal protection. On the whole, though, if you're not paying for a service, like online sex therapy, and particularly if you are a legal minor, communication you have with a sex educator will <em>not</em> be hidden or unsupervised.</p>
<p><strong>Asking for information from you they do not need:</strong> NO sex educator needs to know what you look like or needs a photo of you. NO sex educator should be asking for information about where you live unless you are asking for help finding local services (in which case a zip code does the job just fine). No sex educator needs details about you, your life or sex life that aren't pertinent to the questions you're asking, and should always be willing and able to explain their rationale if asking for information you don't think is pertinent.</p>
<p><div class="pullquote"><hr /><div class="quotecontent">General forums, social networking sites or broad question and answer sites are a common place people are asking questions and talking about sex now. But some big-time harassment or bullying happens in those kinds of places, they often are without people with the background or training to answer well, and also often don't have the kinds of guidelines, rules, moderation and professional network to make them safe places to talk about sex or sound sources of information. There <em>are</em> some great informal online discussion communities where sound sexuality talk and information happens, but if those places don't have a lot of what's on the checklists above, be sure you back up your information and support with other places, educators and sources that do.</div><hr /></div></p>
<p><strong>Support or encouragement for high-risk or illegal activity:</strong> While what's high-risk can be arbitrary to some degree (for instance, some people would say sex outside marriage is high-risk, even though sexual health and sexuality experts know that marital sex poses similar risks as sex outside it), there are plenty of things where most educators have a consensus. If a sexual educator or advisor is cheering you on, for example, in barebacking, in sex without <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3402"><dfn title="Devices, medications or behaviors used to intentionally aim to prevent pregnancy, including the condom, the cervical barrier, the implant, the patch, the pill, the rhythm method, the ring, the shot, the IUD, spermicide and withdrawal.
">contraception</dfn></a> when you don't want or aren't ready for a <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3390"><dfn title="The state of carrying a developing embryo or fetus within the uterus. Medically, someone is considered to be regnant when an egg has been fertilized by sperm, cells divide, and the fertilized egg is implanted within the lining of the uterus.">pregnancy</dfn></a>, in doing things that feel very outside your own wants, ethics and values, or in sex with partners likely or known to be harmful to you or others; if they are encouraging you to do unlawful or risky things in general or in interactions with <em>them</em> -- like sharing sexually explicit photos of yourself or anyone else or suggesting you have sex with them -- those are HUGE red flags.</p>
<p>Some of this boils down to online safety basics. What's best for a consumer (that's you) to keep to yourself and <strong>not to share</strong> with others online?</p>
<ul>
<li>Photos or other very literal images of yourself, including in avatars</li>
<li>Your full name or the names of your friends or family</li>
<li>Information that is absolutely unique to you, like your address, your social security number, your phone number, ID or driver's license numbers or passwords</li>
<li>The name of your school or workplace</li>
<li>Handles for messenger accounts (IMs), your Facebook or MySpace URL or handle, or other personal websites which identify you in any way</li>
</ul>
<p>If it seems weird I'm suggesting you withhold information that educators should share, remember: you're in a different position than an educator, agency or service website. We're providing a service to you; you're a consumer of that service. This is (supposed to be) our job. This isn't your job. You need that information about us. Most of the time, we don't need any of that about you unless we're using it to help you get a service locally or are trying to help get you safe, such as by calling a police station or family service agency for you in a crisis. If and when we do say we need it about you, why we need it should be made very clear, as should policies around how that information will be used and protected.</p>
<h3>Not sure if something or someone has really been okay or not?</h3>
<p>Talk to a trusted adult, in person, even if you feel foolish or embarrassed. That person might be a parent or guardian, a friend's parent or guardian, a teacher, an older sibling, a nurse or doctor, a coach, tutor or mentor. Someone you know cares about you, who you know is solid, and know will do their best to act in your best interest, even if and when the two of you don't fully agree or connect. More often than not, when we feel like something isn't quite right, it's because it isn't. Even if we're wrong, and something we think isn't safe is safe, it's no harm, no foul. Checking into something or someone legitimate doesn't hurt anyone. The same goes for talking to someone if and when you think or know a friend of yours may be unsafe: being a bystander when someone else is or may be being harmed can really keep people in danger. Asking for help from trusted people for others who may not feel able to ask for themselves or may not realize they're unsafe is something we can all do to help take care of each other.</p>
<p>Just as it's the case with people who abuse or exploit people in person, people who abuse or exploit others online often are not easy to spot, and don't act like a lot of people expect predatory or abusive people to act. In other words, just like we know that people who mug or sexually assault people can be attractive to us or others, can be positioned well in their family or community, the same goes online. Predatory or shady people often develop mad skills at being that way, and can often be more likeable or charming than the rest of us. They learn how to disarm people easily, and often won't seem creepy right from the start. The 'net, unfortunately, can provide predatory or iffy people cover they can't get offline. Someone being likeable, attractive or charming does not, all by itself, indicate they're solid or sound.</p>
<p><div class="pullquote"><hr /><div class="quotecontent"><strong>Phone hotlines are a good way to get sound information and support. Here are some (US) hotlines that address sexuality and related issues:</strong></p>
<ul>
<li>The Trevor Project (for <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3359"><dfn title="L = lesbian, G = gay, B = bisexual, T = transgender, Q = queer or questioning. Additional letters sometimes added include U = unsure, I = intersex, P = pansexual, A= asexual, S = straight allies.
">LGBTQ</dfn></a> youth): 1-866-488-7386</li>
<li>RAINN's National <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3394"><dfn title="When someone is attacked, or attacks someone else, in a sexual way. Doing something sexual to someone who does not want that done to them, often by force or threat, or having something done to you sexually by someone else that is not wanted and/or which you have not consented to.">Sexual Assault</dfn></a> Hotline: 1-800-656-4673</li>
<li>The National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233 or TTY 1-800-787-3224</li>
<li>The Hope Center/Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-784-2433</li>
<li>The CDC National STD Hotline: 1-800-227-8922</li>
<li>The National AIDS Hotline: 1-800-342-2437</li>
<li>Backline (pro-choice pregnancy support): 1-888-493-0092</li>
<li>The National Abortion Federation Hotline: 1-800-772-9100</li>
<li>The National Mental Health Association: 1-800-969-6642</li>
<li>The National Runaway Switchboard: 1-800-786-2929</li>
<li>Covenant House (homelessness): 1-800-999-9999</li>
</ul>
<p></div><hr /></div>Sometimes people have the idea that just because they or others were only harmed or put at risk online, not in person, that feelings of fear, <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3388"><dfn title="A serious or critical physical and/or emotional injury or physically and/or emotionally painful experience.">trauma</dfn></a> or concern are not valid. Having someone have personal details or disclosures about you who you don't know you can trust, or watching someone put others at risk is absolutely scary and is something valid to be scared about. We can be hurt online even if and when it doesn't ever move offline: online harassment and bullying are very real, as are online breaches of privacy or trust, and either can impact us or others deeply.</p>
<p>The CyberTipline not only has <a href="http://tcs.cybertipline.com/knowthedangers.htm">a lot of helpful information about being safe online</a>, they also have reporting services available if you know or suspect you are not safe, may not be safe, or if someone is compromising the safety or privacy of you or others, particularly regarding sexuality. You can contact them online <a href="http://www.cybertipline.com">here</a> or by calling 1-800-843-5678.</p>
<p>Because so many people feel they can't talk about sex or sexuality as it is, I hate to suggest it isn't okay to talk about it when you want to. But the truth is, it often isn't safe or sound to talk about our sexuality with just anyone just like it often isn't okay to have sex with just anyone. To protect our bodies, hearts and minds, we need to try and be selective in who we talk to, in what we share and where, with whom and how we share it.</p>
<h3>Finding The Safe Spaces</h3>
<p>The web or any one sex educator or service is never the only place to get the sexuality and sexual health information or help you need. Just like it's a good idea to back up one method of <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3438"><dfn title="Any number of methods people use to intentionally prevent unwanted pregnancy, including the condom, the cervical barrier, the implant, the patch, the pill, the rhythm method, the ring, the shot, the IUD, spermicide and withdrawal.
">birth control</dfn></a> with a second, it's a good idea to back up one source of sexuality information or help with another. You can find more in books -- either by purchasing them or checking them out at your local library -- from sexual healthcare providers and clinics or other in-person sexuality professionals, or from sex education classes in schools, colleges or community centers. You can ask people like your doctor, a school nurse, a community leader or community center (like a YWCA or YMCA, for instance), for direct help and information or for referrals to help and information.</p>
<p>There <em>are</em> safe, sound places to either talk about sexuality online and/or to get sound sexuality information as a young person, even though there aren't as many as any of us would like. There are also a couple spaces where you can talk about sexuality with both or either educators and peers (since we know sometimes any of us can tire of hearing from teachers), but where even peer-to-peer communication is moderated well and kept safe. Scarleteen is one of these places, but not the only one. If you want some other sources to back up our information with or talk at, or if we aren't a place that works for you, feels like a right fit, or feels safe for you -- remember, it's always okay to steer away from anything where you don't feel safe -- here are some more national or international English-language options that also fit the kind of criteria on the checklists above:</p>
<ul>
<li><a href="http://www.plannedparenthood.org/">Planned Parenthood Federation of America</a></li>
<li><a href="http://www.ippf.org/en/">International Planned Parenthood Federation</a> (International)</li>
<li><a href="http://www.fhi.org/en/countryprofiles/index.htm">FHI </a>(International)</li>
<li><a href="http://www.bishuk.com">Bish</a> (UK)</li>
<li><a href="http://www.brook.org.uk/">Brook</a> (UK)</li>
<li><a href="http://www.sexetc.org">Sex, Etc.</a> (US)</li>
<li><a href="http://www.goaskalice.columbia.edu/">Go Ask Alice</a> (US)</li>
<li><a href="http://www.likeitis.org">Like It Is</a> (UK)</li>
<li>Websites from <a href="http://www.advocatesforyouth.org/">Advocates for Youth</a> (US)</li>
<li><a href="http://www.thetrevorproject.org">The Trevor Project</a> (US)</li>
<li><a href="http://www.sexualityandu.ca">Sexualityandu.ca</a> (CAN)</li>
<li><a href="http://www.thesite.org">TheSite</a> (UK)</li>
</ul>
PoliticsEtcabuseadvicebehaviorboundariescareerconsumercredibilityeducatorexperiencehelpidentityinformationjoblimitsnetworkonlinepredatorpredatorysafetysex edsex educationsmartssourceteentrackstransparencyverifyvulnerabilityworkyoung adultyoung peopleyouthThu, 11 Nov 2010 17:38:24 +0000Heather Corinna3323 at http://www.scarleteen.comI thought the "First Time" was supposed to suck!http://www.scarleteen.com/article/in_your_own_words/i_thought_the_first_time_was_supposed_to_suck_0
<div class="field field-type-text field-field-author">
<div class="field-label">Author:&nbsp;</div>
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<div class="field-item odd">
Celia08 </div>
</div>
</div>
<div class="field field-type-text field-field-introduction">
<div class="field-label">Introduction:&nbsp;</div>
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<div class="field-item odd">
I researched sex before diving in. Nearly every article and website felt like it carried another warning. Besides worrying me about STIs and pregnancy, my research was showing me that my first time was likely to be painful. I like to mentally prepare myself for things like this and I thought I knew what sex would be like. But, I&#039;m very glad to say that my story is different. It&#039;s good. No, it&#039;s amazing. </div>
</div>
</div>
<p>Every article and testimonial I read warned me; <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3311"><dfn title="Different things people choose to do to actively express or enact sexuality and sexual feelings; often this involves genitals, but not always. The word sex also means a way people, animals or plants are classified based on their chromosomes, genitals or reproductive organs.">Sex</dfn></a> the first time –or even the first couple times- would be painful and I probably wouldn't <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3354"><dfn title="An event typically in response to physical or intellectual sexual stimulation, controlled by the involuntary nervous system. Orgasm often results in muscle contractions in and around the genitals, other muscular spasms throughout the body, and a feeling of sexual and/or tension release.">orgasm</dfn></a>. You've seen the articles, and if you're reading this you're probably looking for information about what you're first time will be like, too. </p>
<p>This isn't your first time. None of those testimonials were your first time either. Your first time having sex will be your own. But, this was mine, and I wish that a few months ago someone would have had this sort of story to tell me.</p>
<p>I had been dating this boy (who for the purpose of anonymity we'll call James). James was a boy I had worked with for a year at a job we fairly enjoyed as fellow children-at-heart. I got a better job, and shortly after leaving I asked James to hang out. We quickly realized we were in love. Previous to this realization we felt like rather <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3360"><dfn title="In the context of human sexuality, someone who either does not experience or has not yet experienced any sexual desires at all, or who has experienced/does experience sexual desires, but not a desire to enact them with other individuals.">asexual</dfn></a> beings. (He had a serious girlfriend a few months back. Other than that we were unusually un-sexual for 20 year old college kids.) An appropriate amount of time into our <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3307"><dfn title="Some kind of ongoing interaction or association with another person, place or thing.
There are all kinds of relationships: family relationships, friendships, romantic relationships and sexual relationships are a few, and sometimes those will overlap where we have more than one kind of relationship with someone. Sometimes people use the word relationship to only mean a romantic, "serious" or committed relationship, even though that's not all this word means.">relationship</dfn></a> it seemed obvious we were ready to have sex. I hadn't had sex before. </p>
<p>I researched sex. I researched virginity, and contraceptives, and everything under the sun, and then the sun. </p>
<p>I was a little paranoid. I knew sex could be good eventually but I was very disheartened in realizing that it would hurt, and it wasn't likely for me to orgasm (especially since I never really masturbated- successfully anyway. "Damn you asexuality!"). </p>
<p>I talked to my best friend who was already <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3439"><dfn title="Someone who has had or is currently having some kind of genital sex with a partner or partners.">sexually active</dfn></a>. This was my turning point. I got to hear from someone who openly enjoyed sex, AND was educated about it. It was more therapeutic than educational, as all that we both know is readily available from websites such as Scarleteen and our physicians.</p>
<p>I had built myself up for the experience. I saw it for what it was; an experience. It was one of those tiles you get in the game of LIFE. </p>
<p>I wanted to have sex. I was ready to have sex. I just needed to overcome the first most likely painful act of sex whenever it happened.</p>
<p>James and I were at his house alone, as we had been many time before this. But, this time I was mentally prepared. When the moment came (at 5am no less) we finally got to take advantage of it. He put on the <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3356"><dfn title="A thin sheath or tube of latex or another material, worn over the penis during sex to prevent or reduce the risk of pregnancy and/or sexually transmitted infections.
">condom</dfn></a> and I told him to "go slow," because my research said it would ease the pain. It did hurt when we first started; It felt like if someone had poked me in the stomach. It wasn't that bad, though; I could handle it. </p>
<p>When I said "Ow," he stopped. I told him he didn't have to stop, just continue going slow. Instead he took the time to -uh . . . make sure that I was fully aroused. By the time he started moving inside me again there was no pain: none. It felt good. We were in love and it felt right to be here like this together. Nobody mentioned it in any article and I wish someone had just told me; It feels good just to have someone you love inside you.</p>
<p>I did not orgasm that day. However, I had sex and I felt amazing (and a little accomplished). We went out and got doughnuts afterwards (it was about 8 am). We sat in a booth enjoying our summer Saturday morning and I felt like I knew everything in the world was gonna be really good for a while.</p>
<p>I hope that you get to choose your first sexual encounter. I hope your <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3385"><dfn title="In a sexual context, a person with whom someone is having some kind of sex. The term "partner" can be used for all kinds of relationships, not just serious ones. "Partner" can also mean the person someone is with in a romantic or familial partnership.">partner</dfn></a> is thoughtful and caring and that you are both in love. I hope you have a good time. </p>
<p>Because, sex is good. Be careful and be smart first, but don't forget to have a good time.</p>
In Your Own Wordsarticleschoicescollegecommunicationemotionsexperiencefirst-timein your own wordsintercourselosing itlovememoirpainrealityrelationshipsresearchsexvirginitywebsitesworrySat, 30 Oct 2010 13:03:12 +0000Celia083300 at http://www.scarleteen.comBuilding Bridges: Sexual Orientation Shiftshttp://www.scarleteen.com/blog/heather_corinna/2010/08/31/building_bridges_sexual_orientation_shifts
<p><span class="inline inline-left"><img src="http://www.scarleteen.com/sites/files/scarleteen/images/bridges.jpg" alt="" title="" class="image image-_original " width="271" height="98" /></span>Time for another installment of Building Bridges, where we facilitate, then publish a conversation between two people in different life stages who have something with <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3320"><dfn title="Characteristics that are seen or presented as distinguishing between male and female. Gender may or may not include assigned or chosen: sex, social roles, feelings, behaviors and/or presentation or appearance.
">gender</dfn></a>, sexuality and/or relationships in common. This time, our intergenerational pair is two women who have had their <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3352"><dfn title="A term -- like homosexual, heterosexual, bisexual, queer, straight, lesbian, gay, asexual -- used to describe a person's usual or current pattern of emotional, romantic and/or sexual attraction to other people in terms of gender.">sexual orientation</dfn></a> and <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3378"><dfn title="The defining character or personality of an individual; who we feel like we are as a person. Identity is often used to talk about sexual identity -- who we are as sexual people, which can include things like our sexual orientation, our preferences and things we like and want in sex and sexuality, our sexual politics -- or gender identity, who we feel we are and identify as (even if only to ourselves) in terms of our gender.">identity</dfn></a> shift for them during the course of their lives.</p>
<h3>Amy &amp; Candice: Shifting Sexual Orientation</h3>
<p><b>Amy, 24:</b> I came out as a <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3342"><dfn title="Describes the sexual orientation of a woman who is sexually and emotionally attracted only or mostly to other women.
">lesbian</dfn></a> at 14 and was, as I call it, "a Professional <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3341"><dfn title="In the context of sexuality, a word for sexual orientation which either describes a man who is sexually and emotionally attracted to other men, or a person of any sex or gender who is sexually and emotionally attracted to people of the same or a similar sex or gender. Often used alongside lesbian.
">Gay</dfn></a>" for a long time. I interned for activist organizations, ran the GSA at my high school, got a scholarship from a local <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3358"><dfn title="L = lesbian, G = gay, B = bisexual, T = transgender. Additional letters sometimes added include Q = queer/questioning, U = unsure, I = intersex, P = pansexual, S = straight allies.
">LGBT</dfn></a> organization for my activism and went on to a women's college where I eventually became co-chair of the LGBT organization on campus. I was, as a friend once said "her definition of gay." </p>
<p>Looking back, I struggled with liking guys for a long time, which sounds so backwards in the way that people think of sexual orientation transitions. I felt a strong connection and loyalty to the LGBT community that I basically grew up in and was afraid that by liking guys I was betraying them. Eventually I started to wonder - if I was okay with dating people who identified as male, why was I not okay with all people who identified as male? I started "experimenting" with people-with-penises when I was 21 and started actively dating them when I graduated college at 22. I'm currently involved with a person-with-a-penis and we've been dating for almost a year now.</p>
<p><b>Candice, 39:</b> I have been in a continuous committed relationship with the same (cis)man since I was 16. We've been legally married for something like 15 years (it all runs together at this point) and have an 8 year old son. Despite my first sexual experiences being with girls and the crushes I had on female friends, until I was in my early 20s I very strongly identified as straight. I think that the when &amp; where of my childhood had a lot to do with that. Growing up in the 70s and 80s in a very Baptist city in the deep south meant that until I was in high school, I honestly wasn't even aware that people had anything other than hetero relationships. Even when I learned about homosexuality, I never considered identifying as gay, partly because I was strongly attracted to boys but also because to do so wouldn't have been safe, socially or physically. The only openly gay student at my high school was beaten up and bullied out of the school - talk about a powerful lesson in staying silent. </p>
<p>My sophomore year in college I started hanging out with a group of people that included most of the non-hetero students at the school. They were generally considered the "freaks" on campus, but they felt like home to me. For the first time I felt able to think of myself as something other than straight but I wasn't sure what exactly I WAS. I loved my boyfriend, I was attracted to girls...I started thinking I was <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3343"><dfn title="A term for sexual orientation which either describes a person who can be sexually and emotionally attracted to both men and women or merely to people of more than one gender.">bisexual</dfn></a> because that seemed to fit best. Unfortunately, the lesbians I knew (and the gay men, to a lesser extent) were painfully scornful of bisexuality and although I privately identified as bi I was publicly silent on my exact orientation and simply presented myself as being in a relationship with a man. </p>
<p>Who I'm attracted to has changed several times in my adult life...I've had times where I was intensely interested in women and not at all in men (THAT makes a committed relationship with a man a challenge, let me tell you!) and times when I've been very into men and not particularly noticed women. My relationship with my husband has both affected and been affected by this in complicated ways. Currently, I am very much enjoying sex with a man while also "not-dating" a woman I consider my "not-girlfriend" and being very frustrated by the sex we are not having. (And yes, my husband knows this. Like I said, it gets complicated). At this point in my life I'm most comfortable identifying as <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3344"><dfn title="In the context of sexuality, a broad term for sexual orientation that can describe any number of orientations which are not heterosexual. People who identify as queer may be bisexual or pansexual, gay or lesbian, questioning, asexual or more. ">queer</dfn></a> - it's the only orientation that seems to offer enough room for the different ways I feel at different times and it has less personal baggage for me than "bisexual". </p>
<p><b>Amy</b>: My social group is very hmm "non traditional" (aka not any different from anyone else, just more open about it) in regards to sexuality - <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3425"><dfn title="Describes sexual practices or activities which a person or group of people considers to be outside "the norm", or describes a person who enjoys and/or pursues those practices.
">kinky</dfn></a> people, swingers, <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3423"><dfn title="People choosing to have more than one sexual or romantic partner at a time. Polyamory usually implies that this is wanted by all parties, negotiated and agreed upon. Polyamory is not "cheating," unless someone breaks the agreements they have made in polyamorous relationships.">polyamorous</dfn></a>, queer... the kind of people who go to sex education events for fun and lust a little after Tristan Taormino (whose book,<i> Opening Up</i>, is a fantastic one on open relationships. Minus the attempt at history in the introduction. My background's in history and that intro made me want to scream for proper citations.) I'm also in a non-<a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3422"><dfn title="In the context of sex, people choosing to be with each other sexually exclusively; to only have one sexual partner at a time.">monogamous</dfn></a> relationship, but I know from talking to married folk that nonmonogamy is a different ball game when marriage and children are involved.</p>
<p><i>You noted your not-girlfriend and ongoing attractions outside of your marriage. Have you and your husband considered any of the various forms of non-monogamy?</i></p>
<p><b>Candice:</b> Yes, absolutely. I'd say that at this point, we are tentatively poly...it is a long, tricky process renegotiating some of the most basic terms of such a long relationship. I have a much easier time with the idea of nonmonogamy, perhaps because there is no way that any one person can be both male &amp; female &amp; satisfy everything I want. I've also never thought that sex and love were necessarily always bound together...that idea never made sense to me. My husband is naturally monogamous so it's been a real challenge for him. I am incredibly grateful that he is willing to be flexible and work towards ways for both of us to have our needs met. </p>
<p>The not-girlfriend bit is because, although they are a poly couple, her husband isn't comfortable with her starting another relationship right now. Oh, ironic Universe, I shake my fist at you!</p>
<p><i>I wonder how it feels for you, Amy, to have access now to "<a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3381"><dfn title="Someone who is only or mostly emotionally and sexually attracted to people of a different sex or gender than they are themselves.">heterosexual</dfn></a> privilege." I know there are many times when it makes life less superficially complicated for me, even when I feel guilty about sliding through peoples' perceptions because of it. Does it make you mad when that happens? Does it sometimes feel like a relief (even if you don't think it should)? How has having a male <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3385"><dfn title="In a sexual context, a person with whom someone is having some kind of sex. The term "partner" can be used for all kinds of relationships, not just serious ones. "Partner" can also mean the person someone is with in a romantic or familial partnership.">partner</dfn></a> affected how you move through everyday life?</i></p>
<p><b>Amy:</b> On my OkCupid profile, one of the things I note is that I spent a good chunk of my life immersed in the queer community. That's part of my history and it's shaped how I approach relationships and life in general. I do not think I could date someone who did not have some form of "alternative sexuality literacy." Male, female or somewhere in between, they need to have had some interaction with the queer community and they need to be comfortable with their sexuality. </p>
<p>In my daily life, heterosexual privilege doesn't really come up - as noted, I tend to surround myself with people where sexuality is a very fluid thing and more tied up with actions than identities. I have noticed that because I no longer actively present as a soft-<a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3432"><dfn title="Describes a person who is intentionally masculine in appearance, behavior, dress, identity or sexual attitude. Often used in relation to femme. Most often used in the LGBT community, but can refer to people of any orientation. However, some people see use of the word "butch" as an insult.">butch</dfn></a> lesbian and because I am presenting as more <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3530"><dfn title="Describes a person who is intentionally feminine in appearance, behavior, dress, identity or sexual attitude. Often used in relation to butch. Most often used in the LGBT community, but can refer to people of any orientation.">femme</dfn></a>, that the way other people interact with me - from bartenders to people at happy hours to men who hold the doors for me outside of office buildings - is different. Also, I haven't been sir'd in years. But that's more of a presenting thing than a who I'm dating thing. (I think I can provide an entertaining contrast picture somewhere, along with Venn diagrams. THERE COULD BE A FLASH PRESENTATION... only I'm not that motivated).</p>
<p>However, with family, I have embraced the heterosexual privilege of being open about my love life. My grandparents, who never met any of my girlfriends, will be meeting my boyfriend this fall. Being able to talk casually about someone who is such a large part of my life without having to filter them out or call them "my friend" is such a relief. It doesn't make me angry, it just makes me sad.</p>
<p><i>Do you think that you would have been out as bisexual if the members of the queer community you were exposed to had been more accepting of bisexuals?</i></p>
<p><b>Candice:</b> I've thought about this question a LOT. I wish that I could say "Well, of COURSE," because that is who I want to have been. The honest answer, which I like a lot less, is "probably not." </p>
<p>I was painfully uncomfortable with myself on so many fronts back then...I don't think I could have overcome my own fear of being identified as "wrong" or "different" and been open about my sexuality. That said, I think that I would probably have worked through my issues with sexuality a lot faster if I'd been in a more supportive and accepting community. As it was, the community I was in certainly reinforced my belief that it was not safe to fully express who I was. </p>
<p><i>The first question I had reading your introduction post was how the LGBT community you were originally a part of reacted to you coming out as bisexual. You said that you were afraid that you would be betraying them by dating guys...did they see it that way as well, or was that more your own imagining?</i></p>
<p><b>Amy:</b> I think that a lot of it was my own imagining, but it wasn't unjustified imagining. The group of lesbians that I used to hang out with in college and I have more or less fallen out of friendship - whether that's because of the natural order of growing up or because we didn't have anything in common besides liking women, I don't know.</p>
<p>I think I've actually had more trouble with the LGBT community about being bisexual <i>and</i> poly. I think that if I was bisexual but dating a woman, I'd still feel more... accepted, than the fact that I'm about to hit the year mark with a man and still open to dating women. </p>
<p>One of the largest fights I've ever gotten into (and this is including the dinner time arguments with my father, who thinks Rush Limbaugh is a liberal) was with a lesbian who informed me that she didn't think poly people should raise children. Her arguments were such that you could take out "poly" and replace it with "lesbian" and it would be the exact damned argument that is made against gay people raising children. The hypocrisy of her (and two other lesbians that chimed in) made me unspeakably angry.</p>
<p><i>How has growing up in a conservative Christian environment influenced your own relationship with religion?</i></p>
<p><b>Candice:</b> My own family is very Christian (I swear every other relative I have is a minister) but also quite liberal so even though I was surrounded by churches that condemned anyone different, I was raised in Christianity that was loving and tolerant, if not always affirming. Although I'm not a Christian myself, I have great respect for the teachings of Christ and for the people who follow and live his teachings.</p>
<p>Which isn't to say that I don't carry scars from and bitterness towards the many many people who call themselves "Christian" but practice intolerance and hatred. I choose to think that most do so out of ignorance and indoctrination rather than informed choice (that's cheerier than thinking that so many people are just hateful), but I still avoid them. I try hard not to pre-judge people, but anyone calling themselves a Christian has some proving to do before I really trust them. </p>
<p>One of the things that is most difficult for me right now as I try to forge more connections in my local queer community is how many people make assumptions about my sexuality based solely on the fact that I am holding a man's hand or (more rarely, but it happens) the fact that I am fairly femme and wearing very traditional engagement &amp; wedding rings. I often feel that if I were alone, or with female friends, or if I were more butch, I might be treated more as "one of us" from the outset, rather than having to explicitly say "I'm-married-to-a-man-but-that-doesn't-mean-I'm-straight" (it's kind of a one breath phrase for me now). </p>
<p><i>Do you find yourself having to work a little harder to be accepted as a part of the community now that you are partnered with a person-with-a-penis? </i></p>
<p><b>Amy</b>: To be honest, I haven't been as active with the mainstream LGBT community so I can't really say that I have to work harder. The more general sex-positive community has been where I've focused things of late - and there's significant overlap with the queer community and the sex positive community. But because I'm not coming at it from a different angle I think that the queer community I interact with has different expectations of me which makes it so much easier for me to be partnered with a person-with-a-penis. </p>
<p>I had a hard time coming to terms with being bisexual - from the gays and lesbians who said that bisexuals were cheating, as it were - they they had it easy - to my own mother who seemed to be (relatively) okay with me being a lesbian but several times said things about bisexuals like, "Why can't they just choose?!"</p>
<p><i>On a different note, where'd you go to college? Do you think that if you had gone to a different college your sexuality would have been influenced? I went to a small Southern women's college - Hollins University in Roanoke, VA - that was a little bubble of liberal in a large sea of red. Having been out as a lesbian during the application process, I would not have gone to a particularly conservative institution, but I wonder sometimes if I would have ended up differently if I hadn't attended a liberal women's college. </i> </p>
<p><b>Candice:</b> I went to Transylvania University in Kentucky. It's a great school, academically, and I had an scholarship I couldn't say no to. When I was there, the student body was overwhelmingly white and upper/upper-middle class; over 80% of students pledged greek. A lot of my experiences there were great (I don't want to sound like I'm dissing the school) but as a whole it wasn't very tolerant of diversity. </p>
<p>I feel certain that a different school would have influenced my sexuality, or at least my expression of it. I desperately wanted to go to Oberlin University, which is radically liberal, and I have no doubt that had been able to afford it my experience would have been very different, if only because there would have been more than 10 openly queer people on campus. </p>
<p>I love the phrase <i>"Professional Gay!"</i> I know exactly what you mean by that. <i>I'm wondering how you felt your role changed when you changed how you identified yourself. Did your focus in the various activist organizations change (i.e. did bi issues become more apparent or important to you once you identified as bi)? I imagine that if you saw yourself as "Professional Gay" you might have felt a bit lost when you let go of identifying as gay...did you? Or did you feel like letting that identity go freed you up to explore other ways of being in and presenting to the world?</i></p>
<p><b>Amy:</b> I think that letting go of that identity freed me up to be more multi-faceted in how I present myself to the world. As I noted, I'm still active with the "sex positive" community (I do things like go to feminist conferences called Sex 2.0, which is an unconference in its third year that covers social media, feminism, and sex positive stuff), though I'm not really an activist any more. When I say that I mean... I am not in my face about it anymore. I just am who I am and I'm open about it, which is often its own form of activism because that's periodically a very difficult thing to do. Trying to actively change people's minds is too exhausting and generally ineffective. I used to say when I was a leader in the LGBT organization that the most effective form of activism that you can do is to be out and honest about yourself, whomever that is. The more people who know that you're queer [or whatever] the more they make the connection between "this cool person I know who happens to be queer" and LGBT/queer rights. It personalizes the issue for them, so it's more "If I vote against LGBT rights, that means that my friend Susie can't marry her partner of ten years, Mary" and less of an abstract "other."</p>
<p>Anyway, what I am saying is that I didn't lose anything. I was scared to let go of that identity, but I think that my personal activism just shifted a bit and I got to become a more interesting human being as a result. Because people who are Just Gay or Just Mormon or Just Goth or Just [insert any identity] are kind of boring.</p>
<p><i>As a queer parent in a heterosexual(ish) relationship, how do you think you'll handle your son's sexuality when he gets older?</i><br />
<br />
<b>Candice:</b> My son and I already have amazingly open discussions about lots of aspects of sexuality. My mother and I still can't talk about sex, and I was determined not to repeat that dynamic with him, so I've talked to him about bodies &amp; sex (at an age-appropriate level, of course) from the beginning. It seems perfectly logical to him that some people like the opposite sex and some like the same and he's very indignant that gay marriage isn't legal (it's adorable to hear him rant about it). He knows that he can ask me anything, and so far is comfortable doing so. </p>
<p>As for my own sexuality, it hasn't come up yet, but I'm sure that at some point it will. I doubt he will explicitly ask me, so sometime in the next couple of years I'll drop it into a conversation. I'm sure he'll have some questions about how it fits into my relationship with his dad, and I'll explain as far as I think is appropriate. I'm a little nervous about coming out to him but honestly I don't think it will be that big a deal to him. </p>
<h3>What's Building Bridges All About?</h3>
<p>We hear a lot about generational divides. What we hear less about are the bridges: how people of different generations can and do connect; how we can support and help one another and each offer the other things of great value. Just as often as a given experience, or even life as a whole, is different for people of one generation and those of another, there are also some things that are or have been the same, and all have our own wisdom to share, whatever our age may be.</p>
<p>People of different generations are not incapable of connecting or understanding each other, despite the way so much media can often make it sound that way, or the despite day-to-day frustrations and challenges we have probably all experienced with one another when trying to connect. To find out more about the series, or to volunteer to pair up, <a href="http://www.scarleteen.com/blog/heather_corinna/2010/07/14/new_series_would_love_your_help"><b>click here</b></a>. To see other pieces in the series, <b><a href="http://www.scarleteen.com/blog/heather_corinna/2010/07/22/building_bridges_childhood_sexual_abuse">click here.</a></b></p>
http://www.scarleteen.com/blog/heather_corinna/2010/08/31/building_bridges_sexual_orientation_shifts#commentsagebenefitbisexualbridgesbuilding bridgescommunicationcommunityconnectdividesexperiencegenerationheterosexualidentityintergenerationallesbianlgbtlisteningorientationqueerrelationshipsrespectseriessexualsupportunderstandingwisdomTue, 31 Aug 2010 17:13:34 +0000Heather Corinna3188 at http://www.scarleteen.comBuilding Bridges: Childhood Sexual Abusehttp://www.scarleteen.com/blog/heather_corinna/2010/07/22/building_bridges_childhood_sexual_abuse
<p><span class="inline inline-left"><img src="http://www.scarleteen.com/sites/files/scarleteen/images/bridges.jpg" alt="" title="" class="image image-_original " width="271" height="98" /></span>We hear a lot about generational divides. What we hear much less about are the bridges: how people of different generations can and do connect; how we can support and help one another and each offer the other things of great value. Just as often as a given experience, or even life as a whole, is different for people of one generation and those of another, there are also some things that are or have been the same, and all have our own wisdom to share, whatever our age may be.</p>
<p>People of different generations are not incapable of connecting or understanding each other, despite the way so much media can often make it sound that way, or the despite day-to-day frustrations and challenges we have probably all experienced with one another when trying to connect. </p>
<p>Often I am asked to explain things about one generation to another, illustrating differences as well as common ground to each. I often find myself telling people of one age group how to try and better understand the other; making appeals for more empathy, more understanding and fewer assumptions on both sides. But what I really want to start seeing more of are people of all ages doing that with and for each other, without an intermediary like me speaking for them.</p>
<p>Anyone who knows even a little about me probably knows that at the times I think, <i>"Gosh, I really wish there was...."</i> about something, I often dive in shortly thereafter and do my best to make that thing happen. So, because I think people of all ages stand to benefit by connecting more often and more deeply, and think we can all benefit by seeing what some people can offer each other intergenerationally, I put a call out last week for <a href="http://www.scarleteen.com/blog/heather_corinna/2010/07/14/new_series_would_love_your_help">this new series</a>, asking for volunteers of different generations to step up with a shared issue, experience or <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3378"><dfn title="The defining character or personality of an individual; who we feel like we are as a person. Identity is often used to talk about sexual identity -- who we are as sexual people, which can include things like our sexual orientation, our preferences and things we like and want in sex and sexuality, our sexual politics -- or gender identity, who we feel we are and identify as (even if only to ourselves) in terms of our gender.">identity</dfn></a> related to sexuality to be matched and interview one another, allow me to observe via email, and then format and reprint those interviews here. </p>
<p>This piece today is the first of the series. I have enormous gratitude for the two women who participated, especially with an issue and experiences that can be so hard to talk about. Being allowed to read their conversation as it happened was pretty amazing, and I think in reading it yourself you'll find both of them and what they had to offer one another as awesome as I did. <i>~ Heather</i> </p>
<h3>AAG &amp; Tien: Childhood Sexual <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3401"><dfn title="Purposeful harm or mistreatment of another person, which can be verbal, emotional, physical or sexual. An ongoing pattern or cycle of such mistreatment or harm can characterize an abusive relationship.
">Abuse</dfn></a> Survivors</h3>
<p><b>Who's AAG in her own words?</b> I am a 41-year-old cisgender woman. I identify as <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3344"><dfn title="In the context of sexuality, a broad term for sexual orientation that can describe any number of orientations which are not heterosexual. People who identify as queer may be bisexual or pansexual, gay or lesbian, questioning, asexual or more. ">queer</dfn></a>, which to me means that I like people of all genders, though in the past I've had long-term relationships only with men. I'm single, poly, and the mother of three children.</p>
<p>The abuse against me was committed by my father. It started when I was eight, as far as I can recall, and lasted about ten years. It consisted of fondling, pressuring me for more physical contact, and lots of verbal inappropriateness. </p>
<p><b>Who's Tien in her own words?</b> I am 16 years old. I am mostly a straight A student and plan to become a child/adolescent psychologist specializing in sexual abuse. I also want to be a lawyer working as a state prosecutor in the child abuse unit. Recently this happened to me with a man who was over 10 years older than me and he was someone I trusted. He was also a family member, my cousin. He used manipulation and my trust to get what he wanted along with other forms of abuse that I didn't reconize at the time. This relationship lasted four months. It would have lasted longer but thankfully my mother and a counselor at school found out about it and reported him.</p>
<p><b>AAG:</b> How have your friends and family members reacted to all of this? Are they in any way blaming you for what went on? If so, how do you handle this?</p>
<p><b>Tien:</b> My friends support me. They listen to me when I am depressed or just need someone to talk to. My family members react differently from each other. The ones that directly know what happened support me whereas others who don't know the full information either hate/blame me or don't know how to react. I handle the blame by just not thinking about it since if they do not know the full information, how can they judge me?</p>
<p><b>AAG:</b> How are you dealing with the emotions? Do you find yourself angry? Hurt? Missing whatever good parts of the relationship you had?</p>
<p><b>Tien:</b> My emotions are random right now. Sometimes I am fine, then the next day I am depressed. When people found out about the relationship I was angry at myself because he was someone I thought I was in love with and I did not want him to get in trouble. I do not feel hurt, just confused since he is someone who should protect me but instead hurt me. I do not miss the good parts of the relationship, the good parts were essentially the talks we had together and when we went out to restaurants.</p>
<p><b>AAG:</b> How do you relate to your cousin now? Do you still have to see him at family functions? How have his parents and/or siblings received the news of his abuse?</p>
<p><b>Tien:</b> Right now if I saw him again I would probably slap him and tell him how much he hurt me. I am in the process of writing a letter to him stating just that. I would not be seeing him at family functions for a very long time, since not only did my mom report him, she pressed charges. From what he told me the last time I talked to him, his parents hate him. As for his siblings, I do not know how they reacted to the news. Do you feel betrayed by your father?</p>
<p><b>AAG:</b> Very much so. Family abuse -- even if it only happens once! -- rips away the feeling of absolute safety and security a child should have. </p>
<p><b>Tien:</b> Did you tell or want to tell someone what was happening to you? Was it difficult for you to tell, if you did? </p>
<p><b>AAG:</b> I told my mother constantly that I didn't like my dad to have his hands all over me. She ignored me, minimized the abuse, and urged me to "be more loving" to him. I didn't tell any other <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3404"><dfn title="People older than you who probably drive you batty. Or, people whose age in years exceeds the legal age of majority; people considered to be adults by law.
">adults</dfn></a> then. Once I started dealing with the abuse (in my late-20s), I told a few close friends, then a few more, then more, to the point that nearly everyone in my life knows about it. I've written about abuse frequently on my blog. Every time I talk about it, people disclose their own abuse to me. Every time I talk about it, it gets a little easier. How did it feel when you first realized that your mom and the counselor were digging into your business? Were you angry? Hurt? Relieved?</p>
<p><b>Tien:</b> With my school counselor, I told her about the relationship and I did not expect her to report him. My mom caught me trying to sneak out one night and started digging through my things. She found this story I wrote about the relationship, questioned me about it and I confessed everything. At first, I was angry at them for reporting him but later on when I figured out that he abused and manipulated me, I was relieved. How did you react when you figured out that your father was abusing you? Were you confused, angry?</p>
<p><b>AAG:</b> I always knew what was happening was weird or odd or unusual, but I minimized it until I was in my late-20s and began thinking about starting a family of my own. It was only when I thought about how I'd protect my future children from my abuser that I realized that the abuse had affected me -- a lot. </p>
<p><b>Tien:</b> Did you go into counseling? How did it help you? </p>
<p><b>AAG:</b> I started counseling in my late-20s. I've continued it on-and-off since then, as I've felt it was necessary. It has helped enormously, but it's not easy. In some ways it would be easier to pretend like nothing happened, but I have to consider the safety of my children when they are around my parents. Are you receiving any counseling? Is it helping? Do you think you'll continue?</p>
<p><b>Tien:</b> I used to receive counseling but had to stop because of my mom. It helped and when I am older I will continue counseling. How did family members react to what happened to you?</p>
<p><b>AAG:</b> My mother reacted and continues to react very poorly. She will not believe that anything happened to me. She likes to believe that I was brainwashed by my counselor. There is also a religious component: They both think that because God has forgiven them, that I should forgive them too -- and a part of that should be letting them see their grandchildren unsupervised. That will never happen. How do you see this relationship affecting you in the future, like dating or raising children?</p>
<p><b>Tien:</b> In the future, I plan to help children who has gone through the same things I did. I think that in dating, I will be more cautious and question things more. Also, I will have to tell them about the abuse to an extent because I have figured out some of my triggers which are things that he(my future boyfriend) might say or do. With my future children, I would talk to them about how adults should treat a child and that they could talk to me about anything. My parents did not tell me any of this.</p>
<p><b>AAG's words of wisdom and support for Tien:</b> Here's what I wish I knew when I first started dealing with the abuse: Nothing, no part, not even a tiny bit of this is your fault. No matter what anyone else might tell you (or ask you), don't ever feel like you did something wrong.</p>
<p>Being a survivor of abuse is a permanent condition. No matter how hard you work on it in therapy, nothing's going to change that fact. I don't say this to depress you. I say it so that you won't beat yourself up when, after a long <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3435"><dfn title="The fluid, which contains blood, from the shedding of the uterine lining usually at the end of each fertility cycle. Or, that flow you perhaps may have experienced once while shouting, "Oh thank GAWD!"">period</dfn></a> of feeling so much better, you find yourself in a bad period again. It will gradually get better over time, but don't expect it to be a smooth progression without any setbacks.</p>
<p><b>Tien's words of wisdom and support for AAG:</b> I would like to say that you sound like someone who has gone through a lot. I am sorry that your mom did not fully comprehend what your dad was doing to you. My advice to you is to keep continuing what you are doing, like you said it gets easier the more you talk about it.</p>
http://www.scarleteen.com/blog/heather_corinna/2010/07/22/building_bridges_childhood_sexual_abuse#commentsabuseagebenefitbridgeschildhoodcommunicationconnectdividesexperiencegenerationhealingincestintergenerationallisteningraperespectseriessexualsupportunderstandingwisdomThu, 22 Jul 2010 21:07:12 +0000Heather Corinna3157 at http://www.scarleteen.comNew Series: Would Love Your Help!http://www.scarleteen.com/blog/heather_corinna/2010/07/14/new_series_would_love_your_help
<p><span class="inline inline-left"><img src="http://www.scarleteen.com/sites/files/scarleteen/images/bridges.jpg" alt="" title="" class="image image-_original " width="271" height="98" /></span>I'd like to start a new series at Scarleteen to address some unique first-person experiences while also looking at generational differences and similarities, divides and bridges. All too often, people with shared experiences but of different ages talk past or over each other; have a hard time connecting and seeing where they connect, where they don't and landing in a place where we can all respect each other's experiences, no matter how different we may be.</p>
<p>Ideally, how I'd like this to go is to get two people of different generations -- one under 25, one over 40 -- for each of the following themes/experiences in the list below. Rather than myself or other staff asking the questions or leading the topic, I'd like each of those two people to write out five questions for the other, then each answer the questions they were asked, adding more if needed during that back-and-forth conversation, and we'll edit it all together into something polished and cohesive. </p>
<p>What's the point? First to get some more first-person experience content for the topics below. But it's also to provide conversation between generations on these experiences and really look at what's different and what's the same, the ways either person might not understand the other's experience, and to build some generational bridges. I think the self-interview format will allow those participating to focus on what <i>they</i> want to know, rather than what I might want to as an editor, and will allow people with these experiences to decide what their big deals have been rather than anyone possibly outside those experiences deciding for them.</p>
<h3>Here's the list!</h3>
<ul>
<li>Two people who have been/are teen mothers: <i>have young person, need over 40</i></li>
<li>Two people who have what they consider to be casual <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3311"><dfn title="Different things people choose to do to actively express or enact sexuality and sexual feelings; often this involves genitals, but not always. The word sex also means a way people, animals or plants are classified based on their chromosomes, genitals or reproductive organs.">sex</dfn></a>: <i>have young person, need over 40</i></li>
<li>Two people who were <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3439"><dfn title="Someone who has had or is currently having some kind of genital sex with a partner or partners.">sexually active</dfn></a> in high school: <i>have young person, need over 40</i></li>
<li>Two trans women</li>
<li>Two trans men: <i>have young person, need over 40</i></li>
<li>Two <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3471"><dfn title="Describes someone whose chosen gender identity is neither masculine nor feminine, is between or beyond genders, which rejects binary gender, or which is some combination of genders.
">genderqueer</dfn></a> or <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3472"><dfn title="A chosen or felt lack of gender identity.">agender</dfn></a> people: <i>have young person, need over 40</i></li>
<li>Two <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3339"><dfn title="When one person does a sexual act to, on or inside another person who does not want to participate; who refuses to participate and/or who does not or is unable to fully and freely consent to take part in that activity.">rape</dfn></a> survivors: <i>have young person, need over 40</i></li>
<li>Two lesbians: <i>have young person, need over 40</i></li>
<li>Two <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3341"><dfn title="In the context of sexuality, a word for sexual orientation which either describes a man who is sexually and emotionally attracted to other men, or a person of any sex or gender who is sexually and emotionally attracted to people of the same or a similar sex or gender. Often used alongside lesbian.
">gay</dfn></a> men: <i>have young person, need over 40</i></li>
<li>Two people who identify as <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3343"><dfn title="A term for sexual orientation which either describes a person who can be sexually and emotionally attracted to both men and women or merely to people of more than one gender.">bisexual</dfn></a> or queer: <i>have young person, need over 40</i></li>
<li>Two domestic violence/<a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3385"><dfn title="In a sexual context, a person with whom someone is having some kind of sex. The term "partner" can be used for all kinds of relationships, not just serious ones. "Partner" can also mean the person someone is with in a romantic or familial partnership.">partner</dfn></a> violence survivors: <i>have young person, need over 40</i></li>
<li>Two <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3500"><dfn title="A socially constructed category that reflects real biological variation. Intersex is a general term used to describe a variety of conditions where a person is born with reproductive and/or sexual anatomy that doesn’t seem to, or isn't understood to, fit the typical definitions of female or male, and/or is born a chromosomal combination other than XX or XY. Some intersex conditions are Turner Syndrome, Androgen Insensitivity Syndrome, Klinefelter's Syndrome, MRKH and Congenital Adrenal Hyperplasia.
">intersex</dfn></a> people</li>
<li>Two people who are involved in <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3452"><dfn title="Describes sexual play and/or relationships involving exchanges of power and pain. B = bondage, D = discipline and/or dominance, S = submission and/or sadism, M = masochism.
">BDSM</dfn></a><i>have young person, need over 40</i></li>
<li>Two involuntary celibates</li>
<li>Two <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3414"><dfn title="Human Immunodeficiency Virus (HIV) is a virus that eventually destroys the immune system and weakens the body's ability to fight disease and infection. It usually progresses to AIDS. It is a serious sexually transmitted infection that requires medical treatment, although it cannot be cured.
">HIV</dfn></a> positive people</li>
<li>Two people who had sex education in school: <b>team in progress!</b></li>
<li>Two people who identify as <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3360"><dfn title="In the context of human sexuality, someone who either does not experience or has not yet experienced any sexual desires at all, or who has experienced/does experience sexual desires, but not a desire to enact them with other individuals.">asexual</dfn></a>: <i>have young person, need over 40</i></li>
<li>Two people who grew up with gay/lesbian/queer parents/families: <i>have young person, need over 40</i></li>
<li>Two people who were sexually active as teens whose parents reacted very badly</li>
<li>Two people who are/were married before the age of 20</li>
<li>Two people who had abortions</li>
<li>Two people who were kicked out of their homes in their teens</li>
<li>Two people who did not have sexual relationships until marriage</li>
<li>Two people who had/have trouble reaching <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3354"><dfn title="An event typically in response to physical or intellectual sexual stimulation, controlled by the involuntary nervous system. Orgasm often results in muscle contractions in and around the genitals, other muscular spasms throughout the body, and a feeling of sexual and/or tension release.">orgasm</dfn></a>: <i>have young person, need over 40</i> </li>
<li>Two survivors of childhood sexual <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3401"><dfn title="Purposeful harm or mistreatment of another person, which can be verbal, emotional, physical or sexual. An ongoing pattern or cycle of such mistreatment or harm can characterize an abusive relationship.
">abuse</dfn></a>: <i><a href="http://www.scarleteen.com/blog/heather_corinna/2010/07/22/building_bridges_childhood_sexual_abuse">read it here!</a></i></li>
<li>Two people with disabilities that impact/influence their sexuality: <i>have young person, need over 40</i></li>
<li>Two people who went through a <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3352"><dfn title="A term -- like homosexual, heterosexual, bisexual, queer, straight, lesbian, gay, asexual -- used to describe a person's usual or current pattern of emotional, romantic and/or sexual attraction to other people in terms of gender.">sexual orientation</dfn></a> shift/change: <b><a href="http://www.scarleteen.com/blog/heather_corinna/2010/08/31/building_bridges_sexual_orientation_shifts">read it here!</a></b></li>
<li>Two people who were sexually harassed/bullied in high school: <i>have young person, need over 40</i></li>
</ul>
<p>By all means, if there's a pairing here you think I've overlooked, or you know you want to be part of but isn't on the list, let me know!</p>
<p>Interested in participating? <b><a href="http://www.scarleteen.com/contact">Drop an email</a></b>, letting us know which set you're interested in being part of. I'll keep tabs, connect people via email when we have some pairs, and give you some guidance with formatting. If you only want to be identified by a specific name to the other person/readers per your privacy, please let us know.</p>
<p><i>Teams we now have for a topic are those marked. Topics where we have someone of one age but not the other waiting for a match are also noted.</i></p>
http://www.scarleteen.com/blog/heather_corinna/2010/07/14/new_series_would_love_your_help#commentsagebridgecontentdivideexperiencefirst-persongenerationin your own wordsinterviewpairsseriesuniquewritten by youWed, 14 Jul 2010 14:26:13 +0000Heather Corinna3147 at http://www.scarleteen.com