I am slowly on the mend from my achilles injury and am working part time doing my gardening work.
Just had a very tiring and wet and smelly day washing down a greenhouse with jeyes fluid. I am so surprised how my body is out of condition after 7 weeks off.
My gift(injury) has allowed me time to consider where I want to put my energies both at work and at home.
I have decided to reduce my gardening work to 4 days and leave Fridays free for my counselling work.
I feel good about opening up this space and waiting to see what appears to fill the space.
My passion for men's work is constant and my passion for my own process equally so.
Since my NWTA weekend with MKP uk I have wanted to further my self discovery and things seem to be making themselves available.
Passion.....phew. What a great feeling! I feel so excited about the work I want to do and I have now to find an outlet to carry it out.
When I was a younger man I feared people with passion because they seemed out of control and unmanaged.
I now realise that I have feared my own passions and the energy within. Not any more...I now want to embrace passion and share it with others.
Is it ok for a bloke to say that ?

I have been listening to the news over the last couple of days........Phew.
Abusive relationships are on an increase and the laws to keep us safe are inadequate. Safeguards for children involved in abusive families are less robust than necessary.
Police seem reluctant, social workers under trained or under resourced and the BIG Society seems to have a blind spot.
The abuser seems to be able to continue with societal collusion.
So what is the underlying issue that can bring about an abusive relationship? What emotions and feelings of self esteem keep both the abuser and the abused in the relationship?
The over riding emotion is ANGER.....in fact RAGE is probably a better description.
But what does the Rage seek to hide? What is it that the abuser constantly has to battle against?
I suggest that a deep seated fear of who we believe we are is somewhere near the mark. We may have been told at an early age that we are not good enough, not worthy of the unconditional love every child has a right to receive.
Children are not born bad.
We, through parenting, help to cultivate the 'bad' child. Either with or without awareness.
Abusers can be of either gender.
Men make up the majority.
Male anger/ rage is a serious societal issue and 'things need to change'.
I work as a counselor with an interest in all things male. I want to engage with men at a heart and soul level to work to ease that rage. We as men have a responsibility to change this aspect of ourselves. The women in our lives deserve better as do the children.
How do we do this?
Where do we do this?
Watch this space

Monday, 13 January 2014

Hey this anger stuff is very sneaky. I have been angry all my life.....since being in the womb. I knew somehow even in the womb that I was to be given up for adoption and so even for the first 6 weeks of my live with my mum I sensed that the unconditional love would not last.
My adoptive parents got a very angry little baby boy who's mission in life was to control everything.....toileting, feeding, dressing. My way of control was what I now know as Passive/Aggressive. I was both compliant, stubborn, rude, contrary, sneaky, untruthful.
All my life at home was this way and I know realise that no matter what my parents did it would never be enough.
This way of being continued for the rest of my adult life up until my New Warrior weekend.
When I became angry, it wasn't simply about the hear and now but weighed down with 56years of baby rage. WHEW
Anger expressed as an adult about a current issue is such a healthy way to be. It is expressed, owned and then let go.
Anger from years of rage is disruptive, corruptive and as I now acknowledge....abusive. It can sneak out in many ways which are unhelpful and harmful to those around, usually the ones we love.
As men we owe it to ourselves to own our anger and to work towards healing the wounds which have led to that anger as best we can.
There are some amazing therapies out there both talking and body work therapies which if allowed will help the process of recovery.
Men, we owe it to ourselves and to the world to heal these wounds.

Hey up.
During my Adventure weekend I partially ruptured my achilles.......painful and dis-abling. I have been unable to work since and my physio says maybe not until February.
I am self-employed and so I have no income from my side coming into the household.
I have no insurance for accident or illness as the cost is too high and so I have had to throw myself onto the state for support.
I am entitled to employment support allowance and have had a 40 minute phone interview and filled in the subsequent forms. I am entitled to £92.20 per week.
I am truly grateful for the £92.20 per week but in no way does this touch the outgoings of the house.
So my message for today is..........try to afford the critical illness/ accident cover as a self-employed person or put some other fall back in place.
It is at times like this when I wish I were employed as there are so many 'perks' to employment.
Holiday pay, sick pay, maternity/paternity pay/leave. Bank holiday payments, double time/overtime.

As a man I find this issue a real challenge. Unable to work yet wanting to do so. Not able to support the house financially. Not meeting my own needs to be productive. Having to ask for help.....PHEW!

I offer this to the younger men and women........don't abuse your bodies and minds with stress and over work in your early years as you may find that the rewards are somewhat different to those you imagined.
Take care of yourselves both physically and mentally and emotionally.

Sunday, 5 January 2014

I have just had a great walk/ hobble in Grindleford woods. Ruptured my Achilles a while back so a bit dis-abled.
Met up with a fellow warrior from the adventure. Great to hook up and share how our lives are post Adventure.
Only now am I enjoying truly getting to know male friends. Its like all the competitive edges have dropped away after a shared experience.
Why is that we men find true friendship a challenge?
I am lucky to count many men as good,close friends whom I feel able to trust with aspects of me that I have only just come to accept for myself.
I have the great fortune to meet with a group of men on a fortnightly basis. We talk, share, laugh, drink tea, fart and generally be ourselves.
I need this energy to help my emotional and mental health. The energy is like nourishment for my soul.

Saturday, 4 January 2014

I have recently had a fantastic adventure. My goodness how the experience had changed my view and how I am in the world.I feel like my internal landscape has changed.The baby rage that I have felt all my life is now a spent force. The rage has dominated my life and affected my relating with everyone. Toxic shame is the underpinning force behind the rage.Wow how good I feel to be able to say it, own it and not feel contaminated by it.I have been privileged to be among 60 men at a Mankind Project New Warrior Adventure weekend. To be in such a beautifully supportive group of men was a magical moment.I have been curious for a long time as to why men find groups of men a challenge and now I know.YOU ARE SEEN. How scary is that?I have just started this blog and am not sure who will read it and why.Maybe no-one!!!!I will try to post regularly and probably for 12 months