Thursday, January 21, 2010

Blood is thicker than water?

One thing I have observed over the years, in media, in real life: blood really is thicker than water. Its amazing how much we care about our parents, siblings, and children, but alas, the same devotion is not to be there for spouses. Not to say there is no love, but when compared, blood ties win over love ties, even if just by a shade.

Look around. There are divorces happening by the second. Funny how we dont hesitate before parting ways with our life partner. But have you heard of divorce form kids or parents? Sure not everyone treats their parents or kids well. But a majority of us manage lifelong relations with our parents, because we owe them, and we accept who they are. Same for our kids.. they are our own flesh and blood, we create them, so we have a speacial attachment which goes even beyond our parents/siblings. Such emotion!

Similarly why cant we accept our partners for what they are? Why is there always this divorce option we can resort to? Why cant we just work on the relationship like we do for our parents/kids? I dont mean one should accept abuse or adultery. But these are hardly reasons for divorce these days. People part on petty everyday issues. Due to "irreconciliable differences". I see people willing to kill and die for their kids. But few can do it for their partners. Dont we understand if it were not for our partners we would not have the kids?

Today, trust comes naturally from blood ties. We blindly trust our parents, but are more suspicious of our spouses. I feel atleast in the indian context, when a child is born to a couple, the love relation of the couple dies and parental relationship emerges, and stays forever. No space for love anymore. Life revolves around kids. I am totally for taking care of parents/siblings/kids the best way you can, but to ignore relation with your spouse as a lover, as a companion in the whole race for taking care of others, is sad.

So much is said, written about love. Our books, movie, music... everything revolves around love. But what happens to love some time after marriage? Seems today no one really needs a life partner. You have friends for company and intellectual stimulation, flings for physical need, and servants to do everything else. Need a kid? just adopt, or go for IVF etc. Seems marriage, and life partners have outlived their use.

Great idea. No lazy husbands or nagging wives. No feeling of being bound. Everyone is independent and free to do whatever they want. But remember: one day, your parenst will be no more, your kids will have a life of their own, and the only person you will have is your partner. And if you have not given importance to that relationship, or you dont have a partner, you will be lonely till the end of your life. And trust me, loneliness is the worst disease of them all.

i observed my parents for a good part of their marriage and while a lot of situations and circumstances strained their relationship, their devotion to each other, that became most visible during the times of greatest stress, is an example for me to follow. i dnt agree with the generalisations u make. some relations work and some dont. iv seen and heard of kids who have easily given up on their parents on the instigation of their spouses. so i guess it can work either way.

Ive seen my parents do d same for over 25 years. But these days not many couples work on their relationship. I agree abt kids abandoning parents. Ok forget abt parents. But what one feels for their child, is unparalleled, isnt it? Im not saying its wrong. Its natural. Im just saying give ur marriage as much unconditional love n it will be a roaring success for a lifetime.

I totally agree with you on the fact that after having kids, couples (esp. Indian couples) totally focus on their relationship with their children and totally neglect theirs as husband & wife... The children feel it too since a lot of kids get jealous when their dad even sits next to their mom etc I think that your comments on divorce show a growing tendency in our generation... of course we cannot generalize...

Hmm.. you seem greatly disturbed by the whole concept of divorce. But tust me, it at times is the only way someone gets to live a life of modesty (visualise a drunkard husband, or an infedile wife, and so on)... However, i completely agree that an impulsive decision of divorce is nothing but a frivolous and a careless act. True. If marrying is a responsible act, so is the act of divorce. One is responsible to one's kids and parents and mostly oneself! (need not be automatically assumed answerable.. but responsible nevertheless).

We have traditionally been trademarked as being extremely acoomodating sorts wrt to our spouses and the bundle of irritations they can possibly become. But yes lately couples have become impulsive. I personally know a few who have lunged for the D word without thinking of what next. But whatever. Its their personal life. They do whaveter with it. Though i kinda agree to the point that this cannot be generalised for all married couples. (which i strongly feel you also never meant :))

You know, even among blood relatives.. or particularly parents, most of the times children are more attached to their mothers (unless their mothers have been extremely irritating characters). Is it because of the ultimate fact that once they were a part of their mother's body? Dont know yar. Human relations are so so complicated.

And lastly, one never has to work towards relationships with mothers/fathers/siblings (unless extra ordinary circumstances). But one has to work to keep a marital relationship up and going. Maybe thats why people at times choose the easy way out.. Its like saying 'i had the liberty to bring you into my life.. so now im using the same to chuck you out'. Hain na? I had read somewhere that love is not something that happens overnight/at the first sight. Love is what happens after that. Aw come on.. ;) i mean what you do to upkeep that relation. It may mean compromises, keeping up with disappointments, irritations, non conformity, etc. etc.

Lastly, lets not forget that some get divorced to marry someone else. So maybe they are not so averse to the concept of marriage after all. Maybe they are really lazy to upkeep the same.

u know lekha... its not so much abt divorce... but i really think that most ppl have more loyalty and emotion for blood ties. few couples i have seen who are so devoted to each other that their spouse comes before everything and everyone. for teh rest, everything and everyone comes before spouse. after a while i guess naturally a sense of complacency and taken for grantedness comes in a marital relation. one feels they owe something to parents/siblings/kids... feel responsible.. but the same does not happen for many when it comes to spouse cuz these days everyone is independent. maybe im not able to put my point across clearly. but it seems to me, that ppl usually love and care for parents and kids more than their spouse. you listen to everything ur parents say, you spoil ur kids... but u dont agree with ur wife/hubby all the time, dont pamper them after 10 yrs of marriage!! the dynamics of teh relations are different, and sometimes unfair. thats all im trying to say. no generalisations, and no pointing towards someone in particular, especially myself. just talkin abt a tendency that ive seen.