Why we are amazing...

A celebration of the triumph of intuition, placebo, kind words and unfounded hope over the leaden dogmatism of the scientific method, the shackles of statistical analysis and the tyranny of the dogged need for real evidence. Armed with only an energized crystal, a vial of ultra-hydrated water and a paper bag half-full of indeterminate dried plant material, surely we can win the holy war against pestilence, death and vague feelings of a slight dissatisfaction with our empty lives. Peace.

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Wednesday, 21 July 2010

Richard Dawkins spotted hawking alternative remedies

Richard Dawkins is up to his old tricks again, but this time he has overstepped the Mark. Not to mention the John, the Luke, the Matthew and the whole friggin' book of Revelations.

Professional atheist Dawkins, inventor of Evolution back in the 1970's and author of 'You are a Selfish Bastard and it is your Dad's Fault' and the controversial 'Beaver Dams: why they prove God is a twat', likes to sit on a cushion stitched from the skins of catholic schoolchildren in his mansion in Uxbridge, sipping pureed Beluga Sturgeon whilst dreaming up new ways to rid the world of all wonder, meaning and worth.

But, not content with taking good, old fashioned fundamentalism and hijacking it with Science, now Dawkins has set his sights on alternative and complementary therapy, the last refuge of those trying to live a life sansreason.

Dawkins has been buying up vast quantities of alternative remedies and selling them at discount prices at Camden Lock Market. We saw the crafty academician hopping from one leg to the other doffing his cap and waving a battered suitcase shouting: "Three bottles of Aerobic Oxygen* a pound, clinically proven to let you breathe underwater, double-blind tested, I tell ya, get 'em while you're still alive!". When confronted, Dawkins, who may or may not have been drinking laudanum, just laughed and said something incomprehensible about evidence before dancing off down Camden Road in the direction of the bank, his long coat-tails trailing behind him like the forked tongue of a biblical serpent.

This comes only days after it was mathematically proven that the biologist, sophist, misanthropist and philatelist PZ Myers, whose Pharyngula blog consists of 217000 repeats of the phrase 'I hate God, he drowned my kitten!', has been running a homeopathy clinic for pets in Southern California for over 15 years.

Homeo-Hero and computational astrologer Sir David Treddinick MP was unavailable for comment, but a computer simulation of the politician's brain gave a 91 to 167.8 probability that, had he been aware of the situation, he would have thought: "This is an absolute outrage! Criticising alternative therapy was bad enough, but what technophobic luddite simpleton is going to want to buy anything that Dawkins has had his grubby, falsifiable mitts all over? He may as well go and prove that God does exist after all. Then we'd all be fucked!"

In other news, papers were recently found suggesting that, before his death, Stephen J Gould was about to reveal that he had found a 500 million year old fossilised Chihuahua in the Burgess Shales. The animal was said to be wearing a tartan collar with a bell and a tag inscribed with a phone number and the name "Jehovah".

* Aerobic Oxygenis a revolutionary new product that delivers stabilised oxygen into the blood stream, via the digestive system, in a safe, convenient and highly effective way. It has been shown to be an effective treatment for bleeding gums, gout, toe rot and Cancer