Saturday, July 19, 2008

Did you hear the one about the porn star who was giving advice to the Pope? Yeah, I only wish it was a joke. UN-fortunately, it's not.

Down under there in Australia they are currently celebrating World Youth Day. World Youth Day was introduced by Pope John Paul II in 1984 and it is a huge ass, youth-oriented celebration of the Catholic faith that takes place once every couple of years or so at an international level. This year's level? Australia. (Glad you were paying attention.) And the Pope will be there. So will Belladonna.

Belladonna is a 27 year old porn star who has traveled from her home in the US to Australia to give the pontiff a little bit of advice about that nasty little priest-sex-scandal-thing that's been going on within the Catholic Church for a while now. Correct. The porn star (star of over 250 X-rated movies, at that!) is giving the Pope some tips on how to deal with all of the Father McFeeleys that have popped up (not literally! Sheesh!) lately. Um, and how is that? Exactly?

See, while Belladonna did come down to Australia to continue the international reach of her porn star-ness, she's also going to help the frustrated priests as long as she's in town. This according to stuff.co.nz. She held a press conference yesterday to address this topic. (OK, wait. Can just ANYONE down in Australia hold a press conference? HOW does a porn star just have a press conference? Are we taking the porn star seriously all of a sudden? Does the porn star hold the all elusive answer as to how to get priests to stop boning the altar boys? I doubt it. So why the press conference? I don't get it.)

During the porn press production, Belladonna stated, "The Pope has indicated he might apologise to victims of sexual abuse and that is a positive thing to do, but unless he follows up with some practical advice that addresses the sexual needs and desires of clergy, the problem will simply continue. Church clergy are at a crisis because they get no real street-level sex education but are expected to ply the streets to deliver their spiritual message." Huh. So I guess that anyone can hold a press conference in Australia. Interesting.

I'm a bit confused. The clergy are sexing up the young boys in their congregations because they "get no real street-level sex education"? (Why do I have the feeling that Belladonna is a huge Rolling Stones fan? "I...can't...get no.....real street-level sex education sa-tis-fac-tion.") What does that even mean? Having sex? Well, NO! They can't have that; they're priests! It's in their contract. They know what they're getting into!

And this "plying of the streets" that the horny priests are supposedly doing, what is that exactly? She makes it sound as if there are just throngs of people fornicating in the streets and these poor, unsexed up priests have to keep stepping over them as they deliver the word of God! And, in the process, the priests become quite horny themselves as a result. Spare me.

Belladonna, a leading expert of theological reform, who is currently practicing her theories within the adult film industry also stressed that the priests, ".....needed to know how to distinguish a sexual fetish or fantasy from real-life sex." DO they? Do you really think that they don't know what IS real life sex and what is NOT real life sex? Even if you've never had sex before, you can kind of get a gist for when it's the real deal or not. I highly doubt that's really an issue. And even if it was, what is she going to do about it?

Oh, God, I'm sorry I asked. Again, according to stuff.co.nz. "Belladonna has offered 300 of her own films to the Catholic Church in Australia for distribution to priests." I just want to know if she's going to put them in the collection plates."She also has offered to donate some of her own time to help set up a "meaningful set of exercises for priests to help them deal with sexual tension and stress". A "meaningful set of exercises?" Let me guess....like...push ups? On top of you, Belladonna? Yeah, I thought so.

And according to the Eros Foundation (they would be the national adult retail and entertainment association in Australia. Does the US have one of those? Or do we just use the Internet and call it good?), they say that "The sex industry could help the Catholic priests and, particularly, the Pope." Hmmm. Hey, I'm not Catholic and don't really want to be, so I'm not really all that qualified to be giving an opinion which is firmly based on fact, but I'm going to give one that's firmly based on opinion and some pretty good logic. Ready? Um, no. No, you CAN'T help the priests and you CAN'T help the Pope even more! What is wrong with people?

Listen, sex and porn can't solve everything. (Oh, don't get me wrong. They can solve a lot of things, if only temporarily! But they can't solve everything and they certainly can't solve this.) And look, if you're a porn star and that's what you do, well, OK then. I guess. But really, you're going to have to do your porn stuff away from all of the priest and Pope stuff. Just leave the priests and the Pope out of the porn. (There's a sentence I never thought I'd write.) Porn and Popes don't mix. Ever.