“Pretty Little Liars” recap (1.10): Stop Trying to Make Glamp Happen

If there’s one thing Pretty Little Liars has taught us it’s that not everyone who sports a tattoo with your friend’s death date on it is actually a murderer. Maybe 911 is also the date someone launched a grenade at his sister-robot’s head, blinding her so that he didn’t have to bonk her anymore. Maybe if you spent less time calling the cops on his vampiric ass and more time learning CPR, you’d be able to do more than scream helplessly into the night when your bestie stops breathing. What I’m saying is: You judge a creeper by his cover and someone is going to get hit by a car. OK? It’s like the rules of Glamping.

Glamping? Oh, yes: Glamping. It’s time for Mona’s birthday party and she has invited the PLLs to go Glamor Camping with her at Camp Mona. Hanna is in, obvs, because Mona is totes her BFF 4evs. And the other PLLs are in because “A” texts them to say Glamping is actually going to be a scavenger hunt … for her. Richard Connell’s “The Most Dangerous Game” is like my number one favorite literary trope ever! Gossip Girl, you lose! Selling your girlfriend into prostitution is out! Human prey is in!

Also in? Low budget porn in the principal’s office. The FBI has taken over Ali’s murder investigation from the always-professional, super-competent Detective Snape. Their first order of business is to show the PLLs a DVD of Alison getting all Lily Kane-y on a sex tape. From the 20 seconds of footage, the PLLs deduce that: a) The video was shot at the Kissing Rock (with which Emily is intimately familiar, apparently). b) The video was shot the night of Ali’s murder, by c) the older dude she was shagging — who d) must be Boo Radley van Cullen because e) Ali is wearing his sweater. Boom! Murder solved! Scooby snacks for everyone!