Perfectly capable mark-stealing wanker gets extra time

Emerging confident from yet another effortless three and a half hour examination, Bristol University Chemistry student Hannah Jacobs, 20, insisted that her 25% additional time was definitely justified, despite being a totally competent 2:1-thieving bastard.

Ms Jacobs, from Surrey, was diagnosed with mild dyslexia aged 13 by an educational psychologist hired by her mum, and has since nailed literally every single test purely by virtue of having way longer than everyone else to complete them.

It is common knowledge amongst her friends that Hannah does definitely not have sufficient learning difficulties to deserve her allotted extra time, but that does not stop her from feeling like her good grades are the result of anything but hard work and intellectual endeavour.

The Whip spoke to her friend Alice on Sunday evening.

‘Hannah’s good marks really bum us all out. She goes into every exam so bloody confident, but that’s literally the exact opposite of how it feels to be dyslexic. The point is, they’re supposed to be scared – otherwise how are the rest of us meant to get ahead?

Alice continues, ‘Like fair play to her, she’s constantly getting mid-to-high 2:1s, and that’s impressive. But her learning difficulties must have worn off by now. She makes the occasional spelling mistake, but who doesn’t? That’s life. Someone’s got to stop this mark-stealing snake before this crap means she gets a job above other people.