While the candidates do their best to sweet talk their way into the White House, we civilians can only imagine what sorts of things they'd do for (and to) us this coming Valentine's Day if they were available.

Give your dirty mind a break and let us take you on a journey and tell you what you should expect if you're ever lucky enough to swing a V-Day date with a wannabe prez.

President dream dates

Hillary Clinton

Hillary wants to ensure equal pay for women, but first let her pay you a visit in her best pantsuit and give you a gift in the Oval Office. She promises she won't call you Bill as long as you promise you won't call her Monica. Unless you're referring to Monica from Friends, because that's totally her character. Actually, skip the whole Oval Office sex thing and go straight to Netflix and chilling conversations about Benghazi.

Image: ABC

Ted Cruz

Ted may oppose gay pride parades but that doesn't mean he doesn't love a good time. After making sure you didn't take any birth control, your date Ted will want to tell you all aboot his Canadian roots while staring deep into your eyes. His melted Mr. Potato Head look will melt your heart. You'll head back to his home in Texas and take control of his sex life the way he wants to take control of your uterus. Just make sure you don't take control of his guns, unless you're talkin' about those buff arms under that sensible button down shirt.

Image: Reddit

Jeb Bush

Jeb is the kinda date that will take you home to mom right away. He wants to make sure she likes you before he can like you. Oh, she wants you guys to get married already? Jeb shrugs. Sure. Why not. His dad and brother have been married before, so Jeb guesses it's just his time too. May as well. As long as you promise to have sex with the lights off so that he can cry quietly, it should just sorta work out in the end.

Image: Mashable

Carly Fiorina

Carly may think the stimulus package is a failure but she still wants to stimulate your package. She may have dropped out of UCLA Law School and the presidential race, but she wants to drop into your pants and your heart anyway. Carly will take you to a nice dinner to discuss her old gig at AT&T while showing you her T&A. Then you'll head to your own private afterparty in Fiorina's hotel room so she can attempt to win over your caucus.

Image: Mic.com

John Kasich

John Kasich is old fashioned, thanks to his midwestern roots. He's also insanely boring. You cancelled this date because you can get off on your own, thank you very much.

Image: Fox News

Marco Rubio

Don't even think about using marijuana recreationally while you're out with Rubio but do expect him to wear his most-fashionable booties. Rubio is into sending more students into vocational careers than 4-year universities, so he's likely to teach you a trade on your date, such as carpentry or plumbing. Then he'll kick of his heeled boots and make sweet love to you as he whispers in your ear that you'll never quench his thirst like a nice little bottle of water.

Image: Fox News

Ben Carson

This doctor wants to insert himself into the White House and into your uterus. He's gonna use this date to impregnate you and make you keep that baby. He also loves it dirty, so make sure you whisper "abortion" and "Roe vs. Wade" in his ear as he forces you right into parenthood. Have a happy Valentine's Day and a happy Mother's Day.

Image: CNBC

Bernie Sanders

Bernie is a socializing socialist, meaning he's ready to get down at a frat party where all the students are getting a good education. But wait. Their education isn't free? Bernie is about to get really worked up over student debt. With all this pent up anger, he's gonna want to school you somewhere crazy like the library stacks or a lecture hall. Just make sure the fratty Bernie Bros don't barge in and try to make this a group thing. Bernie likes to be his party Independently.

Image: Reddit

Donald Trump

Trump isn't available to take you on a date because he's busy taking out his daughter Ivanka. Our sincerest apologies.

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