I sit here facing a computer screen with a blinking cursor. The words behind it hold the cumbersome weight of the anger and disappointment. The blank space in front hold the emptiness of unmet expectations, the “what-ifs,” and the void that I will always have because of relinquishment.

There will be no letter this year. No acknowledgement.No, “Thanks for giving me life.”

Why?

Because I do not owe her anything.

The choice made by other people to change the trajectory of my life left me feeling as if I had a debt to pay. And I’ve carried the weight of that debt my entire life.

Carrying the weight of unnecessary debt looks like fear, anger, dissociation, regression, stagnation, impulsivity, servitude, co-dependency, numbness… there are so many more…

My instinctual loyalty and spiritual soul ties are constantly weighing the question, “Do I owe her a relationship… a thank you… for giving me life?”

Our society, especially Christian society, has melded the concept of capitalism into every facet of our lives. Capitalism says, “If I give you something out of my toil, you owe me. If I sacrifice for you, you owe me.”

This seeps into how we raise and view family relationships. (If you don’t agree, I’ll send you the research.)

But the truth is I don’t owe anything.

I don’t owe a thank you. I don’t owe a card. I don’t owe a relationship.

I don’t owe her love.

To be in relationship with her comes with expectations, rules, excuses, projection, character-smearing, gaslighting, deniel, lies, and the placing of our story on a pedestal.

Do I recognize her own trauma? Yes. Do I recognize her own brokenness? Yes. Does my heart break for our relationship? Yes. Do I have compassion? Yes. Do I have empathy? Yes. Do I pray for her? Yes.

But I do not owe anything. It is not my job to fix her through my own degradation.

I can hold God’s love for her in one hand and boundaries for myself in the other.

There will be no letter this year.

Because if I am going to break the cycle of generational trauma, both psychologically and physically, I have to let go of the concept of being in debtor’s prison.

Like this:

You are going to want to listen to this one! In this episode I interview my kiddos for you kids to listen to what it is like to have a parent who is adopted, about their own experiences as a foster siblings, how they felt adopting a sibling, and their advice to other kids whose families are fostering, adopting, or thinking of doing either. There are some hilarious stories, a lot of laughter, a massive amount of background shuffling noise, and I had to edit a full TEN MINUTES worth of “ums” or “thinking space” out. This episode is VERY kid friendly and we tried to make it geared towards your own kids. However, I recommend you listen before you let them listen because…well… you know your kids the best!

In this week’s episode I will be continuing my mental health story as I encounter marriage, parenting and my discovery of trauma. *This episode may be triggering, difficult to listen to, and is definitely not for little ears.

An adoptee who adopts does not a perfect present wrapped up in a bow make. A marketing picture for your pamphlet we are not. Our joy and laughter is not because, but in spite of.

An adoptee who adopts is not adopting because of how magical and healing adoption is.

An adoptee who adopts recognizes the darkness of adoption and knows that there needs to be good people to step in and parent in that darkness. And we adoptees know that darkness on friendly terms.

An adoptee who adopts is willingly walking from a fire to an inferno.

An adoptee who adopts is not walking full circle.

Are there aspects that are full circle? Yes. Does it make the story full circle? No.

Because just like every other adoption; healing cannot come from adoption. Adoption creates a situation where healing will continually need to take place. Just because there are healing revelations for me having now adopted does not mean the adoption was the answer. It may have been a catalyst. But trauma still remains.

Trauma still lives here.

And now there isn’t just one adoption trauma story in our lives…

There is two.

1 + 1 does not equal zero. It equals two. Adopting did not cancel out my trauma nor hers. There is no “null and void” with trauma. No quid pro Quo…

Unlike many I did not go into adoption blindly or in a fog or for a magically made family.

I went in full tilt. Knowing the best and the worst parts.

Yet every day I am still surprised at how far and deep and how wide the impacts of trauma are on not just her and I, but on the other family members, our life choices, our daily schedules…

So, before you call adoptees adopting light in this world, know we are hearing you from deep down in caves of darkness trying to funnel in the light any way we can.

Like this:

Trigger Warning: This episode is not for little ears. In this episode I will walk you through Part One of my Mental Healthy journey. My story as an adoptee cannot be separated from my story with mental health.I touch on topics like somatic memories, the first signs of diagnosis, labels that I placed on myself… and that one time I convinced my elementary classmates I was pregnant.