TROY THE BOY FOR WENGER
Firstly, apologies to Troy Deeney for having to crop all but half of his head off.

Secondly, holy Jesus f**kballs. What is this madness?

The claim, from Daily Star Chief Football Executive David Woods (a lot of capitalised words, there), is that Arsene Wenger is interested in Troy Deeney. It still sounds hilarious.

Wenger ‘is in the market for a hitman’, according to Woods, although he probably isn’t. Only Manchester City, Leicester and Everton have scored more Premier League goals this season, with just five players scoring more than Olivier Giroud. And when Mesut Ozil is busy assisting 16 goals in 19 games from midfield, Chuba Akpom would probably do alright up front.

But still, Deeney to Arsenal. Woods goes on to claim that while Wenger is aware Watford are unlikely to sell their captain, the manager could table a bid of around £20million for the 27-year-old. He has six goals in 20 appearances. Hmm. Not only that, but Deeney seemingly has no discernible history of struggling with injuries. Would Wenger back himself to change that?

BALE STUFFThere is, unfortunately, no escaping the madness. And there is no madness quite like Gareth Bale’s continued links to Manchester United.

Our first port of call for this link is the Daily Mirror. John Cross and Neil Moxley team up to tell us that Manchester United see the sacking of Rafael Benitez as boosting their chances to sign Bale, who they have been linked with since he was a fetus. Bale ‘was thriving’ under Benitez apparently, and could now leave due to the Spaniard’s departure. A bid upwards of £75million would do it, they add.

Over to The Times, whose man Rory Smith literally doubles that price, claiming that president Florentino Perez’s Bale will cost ‘as high as £150million’ if United wish to sign him…

@F365 Not being pernickety, but thought I said £150m would be Perez's initial asking price, not how much it'd cost. Defo think it'd be >100.

‘Bale is considering his future’ at Real, writes Smith, as the Welshman had a positive working relationship with old Rafa.

It’s still rather difficult to envisage Bale, still just 26, essentially admitting defeat and leaving Spain after just two-and-a-half seasons.

CARROLL SIGNINGUnfortunately for Gareth Bale, he is the filler to a very strange and inedible sandwich. First, we had Troy Deeney to Arsenal, now, we have Andy Carroll to Newcastle or Sunderland. Eurgh.

The Daily Mirror claim that West Ham are willing to offload the England striker this transfer window. The Hammers would seek around £18million for Carroll, who has scored 10 goals in 41 games since joining the Hammers. The only thing prolific about the 26-year-old is his injury record.

The Mirror go on to claim that Sunderland ‘are desperate’ to sign Carroll, which makes sense considering their manager. His former club Newcastle are also interested.

AND THE RESTSadio Mane is trying to force a move from Southampton with Chelsea and Bayern Munich joining Manchester United in the race to sign the Senegal international…Cardiff have slapped a £10million price tag on goalkeeper David Marshall to ward off interest from Everton…Crystal Palace are willing to pay £7.5million to sign QPR striker Charlie Austin…Claudio Ranieri wants to bring AC Milan midfielder Nigel de Jong to Leicester in a £2million move…However Ranieri has pulled out of a deal to sign Dynamo Kiev defender Aleksandar Dragovic…Remi Garde has targeted out-of-favour Arsenal right-back Mathieu Debuchy to boost his Aston Villa defence…Ronald Koeman is lining up FC Utrecht forward Sebastien Haller as a replacement for Saido Mane…West Brom could pave the way for Saido Berahino to leave by signing Gent striker Laurent Depoitre…Norwich City will make a second bid for York starley Ben Godfrey…Swansea are considering a loan move for Fiorentina forward Giuseppe Rossi, but could lose Jonjo Shelvey to Crystal Palace.