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BBC News 24 forced to admit ‘No new developments’

BBC News 24 has finally admitted there have been no new developments in any news stories since the last time they looked.

Ever since the rolling news channel was launched back in 1997 it has struggled to pack its programming with constant fresh headlines and breaking news and finally at 3.30am last night, they admitted that nothing had changed anywhere and everyone that we might have heard of was fast asleep anyway. Three scrolling marquee writers have been suspended pending an investigation.

The Head of News and Current Affairs released a statement this morning admitting that ‘presenters can only waffle on for five or ten minutes or so before they are forced to hand over to the reporter on the scene. She then whispers ‘Bastard!’ under her breath before flannelling for a couple of minutes and handing back to the studio as quick as she can.’ The statement goes on; ‘Audiences have become accustomed to their television drama happening in easily digested hour-long segments, with all the dull and tedious periods of inactivity taken out. This is how we must package our news in future, and if that means no new developments at the scenes of murders, abductions and court cases, then we must remedy this by any means. Over to Nick, outside the courtroom.’

The BBC refused to comment on claims that all outside broadcast staff were being trained in ‘news generation techniques’ to be used when standing around for hours outside empty court buildings. However these were rumoured to include tape recordings of crowds, gunfire, and people shouting ‘help!’ to be played whenever on air. The BBC also denied reports that certain senior members of the reporting staff had been given terrorist outfits and police sniper costumes in order to get viewing figures up during boring sections.

One idea under investigation is changing the name of the 24-hour news channel simply to ‘24’ and employing Kiefer Sutherland to reprise his role as Jack Bauer in a bid to retain the lion’s share of the 3am to 6am news viewing market.