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hello my dear friends on SI....i wanted to share some feelings I have been having lately about my attempt at r with my husband. and i say attempt because i dont believe true r comes fast. i think it is a long and painful process that requires a lot of work on both sides. my husband is doing "everything right" as he should be, but we are no where near r...being a "good boy" for 8 months after mulitple infedelities on all levels is nothing in my book. we just scratched the surface to r.

so, as i was thinking about my attempt at r with my husband i thought of a few things. you know, i come on this great site all the time, pouring my heart out...a lot of tearful, angry, sad posts i have written. i have come a long way since my 1st day day. i am writing this to vent...and becasue i need to "talk" to my friends here...but i wanted to also share with others who are hurting some things that helped me in this painful process.....

after the discovery of false r, the first thing i did was get a nice pair of Bitchboots. and here i am laying out below what i did with them. these bitchboots helped me get to a place of wanting to attempt to r with my husband from a place of strength and dignity. it was hard to get here...but it needed to be done in order to take back my power and be the queen of my home again.

my bitchboots allowed me to:

1. not beg his ass back like i did the first time. and try to "convince him" that we should fight for our family, our m, and all that we built. well, blah, blah, blah. i decided i was not going to "convince" him of anything. he was either going to get on board with the program or he wasnt. stop begging his ass or "getting him to see" you know what mean?

2. non negotiable boundaries. you either go to rehab, give me full access to your phone records...you can keep the phone, i want the records, go to mc, and stop drinking, or you cant come home...no r...period. and mean it. and if i want to answer that cell phone, i will.

3. so, you are back home. if i am mad, i am mad. i am not going to sugar coat, pretend, walk on eggshells, or act like i am "happy" at a nice dinner so that i dont piss you off. fuck that. if i am mad, i am mad. look at what you did. it is going to take as long as it takes for me to get through this.

4. you either can take my wrath or you cant. i do not care if you get mad, or upset, or feel helpless becasue i am so sad, or if i ask you the same questions over and over. i need to do this to heal....for me, not you. it is not about you. your affairs were about you, and you destroyed the family...this is about me doing what i need to do to heal.

5. if you want to leave. fine. i will help you pack, and put your things outside. but when you leave this time, you cant come back. and i meant that. and told him this many times to make sure he clearly understood this house is no longer a revolving door.

6. you are either present with this family, or not. your "boys" are fired. yoru first priority needs to be this family, period. no going out to bars, no hanging with the boy, none of that...that BS is over...we all know what that is about. if you are attempting r, then you should know that cultivating relationships outside the m right now is poison. if you feel like you are in a prison, then you can go. i dont want anyone in this house who doesnt want to be here emotionally, and physically. we dont need you if that is the case.

7. i love you, and you are my husband, but i dont need you. i know now that we ended i will be okay, without you. and i will eventually meet another man who will take care of me and my child just fine. i know my value and my worth...and i know i will find someone else.

8. be happy that i am trying to deal with this pain...because what you dont want is for me not to care, or "be done." because when i am done, i will be done...and you wont be able to get it back.

9. you played me for a fool for a long time...your personal doormat. but let me say this...and it is a fact of life. if you pull this crap on me again, you will be out of here. i will divorce you, without hesitation, and we can just let the judge decide on child support and visitation. there are no more "chances." those days are over.

10. your "whys" at this point for me are irrelevant. i have found that they dont help...maybe for a minute, but they dont help. and now they are starting to irritate me. you cheated becasue you wanted to, you liked it, and thought you wouldnt get caught. period. now, if you go to ic and work out all your issues to what led you down that path...that is on you. it has nothing to do with me. take care of your issues and dont fuck up again. that is all i can tell you.

11. i may cry to you one day, yell at you the next minute, and tell you i want a divorce the next day...it is a rollercoaster. you can either support me, be my rock..and take it or you cant. after all you did, you deserve and should take it. but i will be okay...you better believe it...if you cant take it and bail...the sooner you do that the better so i can move on with my life.

12. words mean nothing. and why should they? you have lied so much. i am only interested in actions. that is IT.

13. i understand now that my crying to you about "how much you hurt me" and "how could you do this to me" is for ME, not you. i know that it wont stop you from cheating or doing something stupid again. you are either going to keep it zipped or you are not.

14. if you cannot do it, email it, text it, or say it with me standing right there in front of you, then i consider that cheating. plain and simple. we dont need to read any books on that. THAT is the boundary if there is any confusion. i dont care if you werent taught that, didnt know, or say "it didnt man anything"...my expectation is non negotiable. i refuse to be married to anyone who crosses that line.

15. renewal of my wedding vows, new rings, declarations of a "new" marriage is not going to keep my husband faithful and make things better. the pain will still be there with a new ring on. wishful thinking though. nah, i will keep the old marriage....warts and all. the day i get married "again" will be with a new man, if this doesnt work out.

well, guys...i know that is a lot. but it has really helped me keep my strength and dignity. so that if we ever do reach r...it will be a healthy one...you know what i mean?

it is SO EASY to want to save the m so much that i was willing to compromise my own self worth, and dignity by allowing him to be an unremorseful husband initially.

my bitchboots helped me realize that i need him to move heaven and earth to want to be with me...at all costs...even when it is uncomfortable for him. and that i not accept anything less than that.

doing so will only cause me more pain down the road...btdt.

thanks for listening to me vent you guys...dont know what i would do without SI.

BS UNSUSPECTING FOOL 54
WH BECAUSE I'M THE MAN AND I GET TO DO WHAT I WANT 46
OW The weakest of the pack 41
DDay: 2/20/12 The most out of control day of my life
Trying to R - TRYING
UPDATE 5-10-14 OVER WITH IT!
DDAY2 5-10-14
Divorced 8/19/14

Posts: 74 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: In a state

AFrayedKnot♂ 36622Member # 36622

Posted: 5:21 AM, July 4th (Thursday), 2013

Awesome

BS 40
fWS 37 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2813 | Registered: Aug 2012

ifinallyfoundme♀ 39523Member # 39523

Posted: 5:22 AM, July 4th (Thursday), 2013

9. you played me for a fool for a long time...your personal doormat. but let me say this...and it is a fact of life. if you pull this crap on me again, you will be out of here. i will divorce you, without hesitation, and we can just let the judge decide on child support and visitation. there are no more "chances." those days are over.

10. your "whys" at this point for me are irrelevant. i have found that they dont help...maybe for a minute, but they dont help. and now they are starting to irritate me. you cheated becasue you wanted to, you liked it, and thought you wouldnt get caught. period. now, if you go to ic and work out all your issues to what led you down that path...that is on you. it has nothing to do with me. take care of your issues and dont fuck up again. that is all i can tell you.

11. i may cry to you one day, yell at you the next minute, and tell you i want a divorce the next day...it is a rollercoaster. you can either support me, be my rock..and take it or you cant. after all you did, you deserve and should take it. but i will be okay...you better believe it...if you cant take it and bail...the sooner you do that the better so i can move on with my life.

12. words mean nothing. and why should they? you have lied so much. i am only interested in actions. that is IT.

13. i understand now that my crying to you about "how much you hurt me" and "how could you do this to me" is for ME, not you. i know that it wont stop you from cheating or doing something stupid again. you are either going to keep it zipped or you are not.

Excellent post. I agree with all you said, but this part- especially last night. Yesterday was awful. He did some shit, I blabbed to his relative about what he had done and he went into this whole I'm trying to ruin his rep with his family . Fuck you, what about me and your kids ass hole!

He flippantly said some shit, I told him he'd better take it back and apologize. He 'eventually' did. It was ok for him to screw the side show freaks at the circus as long as no one knew. How dare I demand anything and put his shit in the street. Now that everyone knows, he can't lie and hide and continue in his secrecy. No more neat little package.

I've have my bitch boots on and these are some bad mofo's. You really have to get to that I don't give a damn point with this clown!

Awesome post! We need a shop in here, or perhaps members could pass theirs down to others? Maybe the steel-toed ones? (But you gotta keep a pair in the closet, cuz you never know when you'll need them!)

i just wanted to make clear also that i understand that attempting to r is a 2 way street. and both people need to do their own work.

but i have learned that if you can...and i mean you have to try really hard to be strong...but leave your heart at the door...and put your bitch boots and intuition/gut front and center. that is really the only way to survive (at least for me) whether i stay or go, with any dignity and self respect.

one last point i forgot to make...#14...and it is so very important...at least for me:

#14. if you cannot do it, email it, text it, or say it with me standing right there in front of you, then i consider that cheating. plain and simple. we dont need to read any books on that. THAT is the boundary if there is any confusion. i refuse to be married to anyone who crosses that line.

I wear size 8 and despite all my gut feelings, it took me oh long to put them on
It was only until I started to work on myself, and learn boundaries that I could accept real change is about me first and what I will not accept.
Rock on

friends wife lasting 10 years. TT over a
year a year. Now his health is declining,
among the lack of communication.

Posts: 653 | Registered: Jul 2012

Ladyogilvy♀ 31558Member # 31558

Posted: 11:40 AM, July 4th (Thursday), 2013

Yes!!! This needs to be in the infidelity survival guide.

Me: BW a youthful 49
Him: alcoholic, sober now, WH 56
Married 19 years
Two sons, 16 & 17 years old
DD? He's still keeping secrets and only admits to what I have indisputable
evidence of... the $2000 earrings he bought her for x-mas.

Posts: 1553 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: California

gonnabe2016♀ 34823Member # 34823

Posted: 11:57 AM, July 4th (Thursday), 2013

Sri, I watched you put those bitchboots on and I know that it wasn't always easy and you wanted to take them off a few times. But you didn't. You stood firm and you held your ground even, sometimes, from the depths of your despair. Good on you. And a great, easily readable and understandable post.

#10, about the WS's *why's* is a really good one and a really helpful attitude for a BS to adopt....

now they are starting to irritate me. now, if you go to ic and work out all your issues to what led you down that path...that is on you. it has nothing to do with me. take care of your issues and dont fuck up again. that is all i can tell you.

"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.

Another vote for infidelity guide material. This is exactly what I'm going through right now. Thank you for putting it in the words I couldn't.

Just call me Heart. :)
Reconciling
"If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything" ~Mark Twain

Posts: 379 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: St. Louis

fourever♀ 30631Member # 30631

Posted: 6:39 PM, July 4th (Thursday), 2013

We all have them, they are waiting for us in the closet. I do believe they are pointed and steel toe. Hike those bad girls up, and take no prisoners.

Amazing, what your pair of bitch boots can do!
Try it and see, they are waiting for you. They are a life changer.

In R since shortly after DD.
Discovered what was right in front of him and nearly lost.

Always, tell the other BS! Always!

"It's hard to be in love when you can't tell lies"!

Posts: 917 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Northeast

sri624♀ 33956Member # 33956

Posted: 6:46 PM, July 4th (Thursday), 2013

i will add that my husband i think is doing the best he can. there is no magic formula for what an attempt at r looks like. what i laid out seems to be working for me.

he makes mistakes...a lot...but he is "on board" you know what i mean? i am definitly not the same doormat i once was, and he knows it. he knows without hesitation that i will put his ass out of here if he fucks up again, and does not support my healing in the way i laid it out.

new requirements for my healing come often...and i share them with him..and i am not apologetic about it.

i also wanted to add that as much as i dont want to...i have come to realize that with him doing this work...i need to work too. i need to stay in ic...and work on the strategies i learned to heal and move forward. i admit, i understand that he cant do all the work.

and this is hard, becasue sometimes it is hard to step outside of that pain...it has become comfortable to me...you know? thanks for listening.