732 REASONS WHY I’M NOT GOING TO THE MOVIES TONIGHT

April 30, 2013

I’ve got a lot of reasons to cover, so let’s get this show on the road right the fuck now!

REASONS WHY I’M NOT GOING TO THE MOVIES TONIGHT

1. The movies suck

2. The movies really suck

3. The movies suck so much

4. The movies suck a lot to the point I won’t see them

5. The movies are sucky suck suck

6. The movies sucking unwatchable

7. The movies enormously suck

8. The movies extraordinarily suck

9. The movies powerfully suck

10. The movies suck in such a way that they make sucking noises

11. The movies suck!!!!

Let’s just say #12 – #732 also have the worlds “The movies suck” in there somewhere.

I know I’ve mentioned this in the past, but for those who are unaware…

I SEE THE MOVIES FOR FREE!

That’s how much I don’t want to see these movies. They are FREE and they’re within walking distance. It takes less than 10 minutes to walk over to the movie theater. They’re exceptionally close and they’re free. FREE!

Not only are they free, but I have a girlfriend.

GIRLFRIEND!

Do you know what that means? DO YOU?!

If you answered, “you have a loving companion to sit through these shit movies with” then you would be right in a fashion. I mean it’s not that I don’t believe that, but it’s not what I was getting at. Sure, having your perennial valentine with you is great and all, but the person who is typing this aka ME has seen Fantastic Four 2: Rise of the Silver Surfer by himself in a theater on opening weekend. So, I’m pretty comfortable seeing movies I will regret seeing and I saw them by myself.

The actual answer I was looking for was … A girlfriend carries a purse, which can smuggle shit into a movie theater.

Technically, my girlfriend is my girlfriend, but if you have a girl who is a friend then you can do this as well. And/or if you are a girl yourself and carry a purse. And/or if you are a guy who carries a purse —- which gay or straight is uncommon.

Sidenote: one would think gay guys would carry purses, right? There are gay guys that I imagine do carry purses just as their are straight women who don’t, but I’m talking about the large percentage of them.

Movie theaters don’t think twice about a girl and her purse. Maybe if you’re in a crime ridden area and your girl’s purse could be packing your girl’s gun and then they check. But I’ve walked into movie theaters many times and some of those times were with a female accomplice and they never check their purse.

What can go in that purse? Obviously, food. Food costs a lot at movie theaters. Last time, when we went to see the shitty shit fest known as Oblivion we brought a ziplock bag of Goldfish crackers. That’s right! Fucking living wild. And, call me crazy – I’d rather have free Goldfish crackers from home than a $10 popcorn that’s probably stale and made several days ahead of time.

What else? A flash of booze. That’s right. Drink that shit straight. Or order one of those sodas they have and spice it up.

What else? Fuck that soda I just mentioned and bring your own or buy a soda from a 7-11, which charges a fourth the price.

What else? A ham and cheese sandwich on an everything bagel. THAT COULD BE IN THERE! YOU DON’T KNOW!

Anyway…

The sucky movies that are out that I could get free movies at and bring a deli sandwich to if I so pleased are:

42 – Harrison Ford hasn’t made a good movie since Air Force One? Is that what we’re saying at this point? That was a pre-Monica Lewinsky world. I mean she existed, but not to any of us. That’s how long ago that was. Pre-cigar in the vagina in the Oval Office. OR I mean pre-us knowing about it. I’m sure many Presidents have stuck literal cigars into womens vaginas in the Oval Office, but we didn’t know about it.

G.I. Joe Retaliation 3D – It’s bad. You know it’s bad. Just the scene alone of Bruce Willis in the back of that car and the tailgate drops and he starts shooting looks so fucking stupid and horrible that I can’t imagine watching a second of the movie.

Oblivion – Ugh. Don’t remind me. Just looked at a poster for this movie that shows Tom walking across a bridge that it is bent to the side. What the fuck?

Pain & Gain – I do love the Rock, but I don’t love the movies he is in. It’s 2 hours and 10 minutes of Michael Bay without CGI. It’s also a comedy. I don’t really think Mark Wahlberg is a good actor to begin with, but I will admit I have liked movies he’s been in. Those movies usually have a great director and a great supporting cast. I’m not sure a weightlifting movie that turns into a heist film directed by Bay is any of those things.

Scary Movie V – Seriously? It’s amazing these movies are still let into theaters and not just direct to Netflix.

The Big Wedding – Nope. Looks paint-by-numbers and horrible.

The Company You Keep – Ewwww. Shia? No.

The Croods – No. It looks atrocious and I’m turning 30 in less than 60 days and I don’t have children of any sort. I would see the behind-the-scenes of this movie in a heartbeat. If I could watch the recording studio footage of Nic Cage voice acting as a thoughtful caveman father or anything then I WOULD. I’d pay to see that. I’d just throw a $20 bill at someone to thank them.