Category: Silly Subjects

Time got off to a big bang approximately 13.7 billion years ago, and what a huge difference it made in the universe! It spread everything out and kept everything from happening all at once, cutting down on all the chaos and confusion that had been going on previously. In fact, there wasn’t even a “previously” or a “before then” before then, which still causes some people hours upon hours of consternation.

After humans came on the scene, ways to measure time kept improving, and things got along fairly well, until trains were invented that could move between one place and another so fast that it started causing all kinds of confusion again.

Because time wasn’t well standardized from place to place, people were finding they were arriving before they left, and physicists were beginning to complain because it didn’t fit their delicate theories. When one man arrived in Albany, NY before his parents had first met and accidentally killed his father, it caused quite a stir when he vanished without a trace. In order to appease the physicists and the subsequent campaign launched by the vanished man’s wife, time was finally standardized into Time Zones across the world. The only downside was the proliferation of all those mathematical word problems about different trains leaving different places at different times and traveling different speeds to determine when they would meet. These problems had previously been unsolvable, and, now that they could be solved (and because there were so many of them), America’s school children were tasked with the job of working all of them out.

From the beginning of time until 1905, time was getting measured more and more precisely while, at the same time, it was increasingly standardized. Just as it looked like people were getting a really good handle on it, Einstein came along with his Theory of Relativity and tried to screw everything up all over again. He explained how it was that the faster you moved, the less time it took (which everybody had always suspected), and how if you moved really fast, everybody else would get older before you did (which was a big surprise). Fortunately, hardly anybody understood what he was talking about and most people agreed it wasn’t a very practical thing to get too concerned with in the day-to-day world. The end result was that no one got rid of their timepieces but everybody did start moving a lot faster.

As time went on, wind-up watches were invented and people were finally able to learn the difference between taking a shit and winding their watch. It was a new dynamic paradigm to consider that no one had contemplated before, and new metaphors sprang up almost overnight. After years of philosophical consideration, “Shit Happens” became the phrase that best summarized this sublime conceptual relationship between time and feces.

With the advent of the Timex watch, time could now be measured more reliably than previously, even when it was dropped off a cliff or shot out of a cannon. Time was quickly becoming more durable as well as more portable and exciting.

One of the ways it became more exciting was from the discovery of Daylight Savings Time by Benjamin Franklin. Franklin noticed that if he set his clock an hour ahead, the sun would set an hour later and he could get more work done in the evening. This new flexibility made time more versatile and, although actual experiments with Daylight Savings Time weren’t conducted to confirm his discovery until the 20th Century, the people of London named their biggest clock after him in appreciation (Big Ben). It just shows that Ben Franklin was both figuratively and literally, a man ahead of his time.

Today, you can find time almost everywhere and people are paying more attention to it than ever before. Since its introduction, it has never gone out of style and its popularity has never been greater. Its usefulness has only expanded and nothing has ever come along to take its place. In our fast-paced modern world, time has become such an important part of our lives, few of us could get through a single day without it.

As you already may be aware…all Flying Spaghetti Monsters were originally created by The Invisible Clowns That Dance Around My Head™, who are in control of absolutely everything that is and is not.

They created everything (and everything that is not) by the direct manipulation of the Flying Spaghetti Monsters that exist in all multiverses (except for the small subset of infinite multiverses where they do not exist).

(As we all know, based on mathematics, some infinities are more infinite than others….)

The Invisible Clowns That Dance Around My Head™ have instructed me to tell you about them for reasons only they can explain so, in spite of the kind of mocking disobedience they usually merit and which they usually require of me, I’ve decided to obey their will on this occasion in order to more thoroughly mock them in the future.

(Mockery is their suggested method of worship and clever mockery really makes them dance.)

The proof of their existence and power is based on their personal confessions to me. Therefore, it must be true.

They are the masters of what is (and what is not) because they say they are, and I believe they are what they say they are because they are the masters of what is (and what is not).

That’s logic…however I want to define it!

It stands to reason after all. It is like a mathematical clap-trap with no escape.

(And science is just another word for something else to prove….)

The Invisible Clowns That Dance Around My Head™want me to remind you that while the Flying Spaghetti Monsters might be worthy of worship, they are even better half-baked (ummm, ummm, good!)…and that the whole thing with the pirates was merely a marketing tool for prosthetic limbs, eye patches, and puffy-sleeved shirts.

In the 1990s I had an idea to sell a collectible product called “Clones!” along with a little book called “The Clone Companion” (I’ll not go into the details here). I discovered that I couldn’t approach companies making toys or collectibles directly. I found I would have to go through an agent whose job it was to present these kinds of ideas to those companies. I found someone like that and sent him my idea with some mock-ups (pictured above). He sent it back and told me that my idea was more for the collectible market and he was more on the toy side of things. He told me the collectible market wasn’t as good as it used to be and he wasn’t very enthusiastic about my idea. I basically got rejected.

What follows is the contents of the little book I wanted to include with the product.

The Clone Companion
(when one is not enough…)

About Your New Clone

Your clone is fresh from the gene pool and individually numbered.

Get one! Get ’em all!! They’re everywhere!!!

Clones don’t like to be left alone! A lone clone may become down or depressed They thrive on the company of other clones. Like they say, “One is the loneliest number!”

Remember, you can’t have too many clones! There’s nothing sadder than a clone alone!

Clones love to travel! Some of their favorite vacation spots include: New York, New York; Twin Falls, Idaho; or Dublin, Ireland.

Clones often quote others or repeat themselves. They are natural born copy cats who love repetition. Clones are very clever and can be quite mischievous. Don’t let them give you any double talk and never…never leave them alone with a copier!

Most clones are Geminis and may have a dual personality. Some are two-faced, but most are quietly reflective. They prefer being followers, (originality is not their strong point), so remember to set a good example. They are great imitators. They believe that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Clones like puns, alliteration, and a good coincidence. They enjoy mime and mimicry and any matching games. Their hobbies include; multiplication, tracing, making paper dolls, and model making – especially models of replicas.

They are comforted looking in the mirror or at their own shadow and are easily excited by echoes.

Their idea of a good time is to put on some cha-cha music, eat bon-bons, and play duplicate bridge.

—

Clonisms

“WE’VE MET THE CLONE AND IT IS US!”

“TO CLONE OR NOT TO CLONE, THAT IS THE QUESTION”

“CLONE IT AGAIN, SAM”

“SEND IN THE CLONES!”

“ET TU CLONÉ?”

“I REGRET THAT I HAVE BUT ONE CLONE TO GIVE TO MY COUNTRY”

“CARPÉ CLONUM!”

“A CLONE BY ANY OTHER NAME WOULD SMELL AS SWEET”

“A CLONE IS A CLONE IS A CLONE”

“IF AT FIRST YOU DON’T SUCCEED…CLONE, CLONE AGAIN”

“ONE GOOD CLONE DESERVES ANOTHER”

“A CLONE IN THE HAND IS WORTH TWO IN THE BUSH”

“I NEVER MET A CLONE I DIDN’T LIKE”

“IT IS BETTER TO HAVE CLONED AND LOST THAN NEVER TO HAVE CLONED AT ALL”

“FRANKLY, MY DEAR, I DON’T HAVE A CLONE”

“MAY THE CLONES BE WITH YOU”

“I’LL GET YOU, MY PRETTY, AND YOUR LITTLE CLONE TOO”

“GO CLONE, YOUNG MAN”

“LOVE YOUR CLONE AS YOURSELF”

“ASK NOT WHAT YOUR CLONE CAN DO FOR YOU; ASK WHAT YOU CAN DO FOR YOUR CLONE”

“DON’T PUT ALL YOUR CLONES IN ONE BASKET”

“IF YOU CAN KEEP YOUR CLONE WHEN ALL ABOUT YOU ARE LOSING THEIRS…”

“ALL CLONES ARE EQUAL BUT SOME CLONES ARE MORE EQUAL THAN OTHERS”

“I DO NOT KNOW WHETHER I WAS THEN A MAN DREAMING I WAS A CLONE OR WHETHER I WAS A CLONE DREAMING I WAS A MAN”

CERN physicists working at the Large Hadron Collider (LHC), the world’s largest and highest-energy particle accelerator situated near Geneva, Switzerland, have announced the discovery of the elusive G-Spot. For many years the G-Spot has been remained a much disputed hypothesis among scientists. Untold man-hours have been invested for centuries to settle the question of its existence. At long last, it appears physicists have finally confirmed this highly sought after phenomenon and verified one of the most fundamental predictions of high-energy physics.

The LHC collider is contained in a circular tunnel, with a circumference of 27 kilometres (17 mi), at a depth ranging from 50 to 175 metres (160 to 574 ft) underground. On Thursday morning a select particle was injected into the main accelerator where it passed through a series of systems to successively increase its energy up to 450 GeV before it was finally injected into the main ring. Travelling through the tunnel at about 3 metres per second slower than the speed of light, the particle finally collided into the anterior vaginal wall of a 43-year-old woman (who wished to remain anonymous). The experiment established the presence of the G-spot on the dorsal (back) perineal membrane.

“This advances our understanding of some of the deepest laws of nature,” physicist Buck Longfellow announced, “once everyone calms down from this exciting discovery, we can start focusing on the exotic Higgs Boson in a much calmer frame of mind, but I think many here may be inclined to try and investigate some of the practical applications of this discovery first,” he concluded.

I was overwhelmed with nothing but good news coming in yesterday via email….

I found out I could finally start making the money I deserve, that the house of my dreams is available, and that I can now get cheap insurance and cheap prescriptions online. I received some great deals for Viagra, Cialis, and something that can boost my immune system for the flu season. And I was so relieved to find out that there are several cures for Cancer, SARS, and HIV now…should I need them.

I also had some nice offers for Rolex watches, and unlimited free music and movie downloads, along with an invitation to attend a party at Mack’s (I’m not sure who he is, but it was nice of him to invite me).

It seems I won a Green Card in a lottery that I didn’t even know I had entered, I can now get out of photo-cop tickets forever, and there are some Nigerians that want to give me a lot of money for doing them a small favor.

And best of all…. apparently, there are some beautiful women who want to show me naked pictures of themselves, and some who want to meet me!

(This last should come in handy after I respond to the offer to get my penis enlarged.)

The immersible influence of the Indian inch will ever hackle at the boot that has my heart, for it is the gazebo of itinerant measurement and the gelding of recusable distance. It is retributively reducible to a vanishing point on a plane and holds no perdurable properties in space. It is the “node of nomadic numbers.”

To skirl the spindrift implications of the Indian inch, I will enumerate for your cosmetic pleasure:

This is a notice to inform you of your noncompliance with applicable laws regarding registration of your acronym with one or more of the offices of the Lexicology Department of the Communications Commission.

In order to comply, you must provide:

1- The onomastics and all morphemes of the acronym.
2- A written phonetic rendering of the acronym.
3- A copy of the acronym as it is used as a logotype, logograph, or logogram (if applicable).

Failure to comply or respond will be considered an act of nonfeasance unless proof or fungible is submitted that the initials or name you are using is not an acronym. If, for example, the initials or name constitute an anagram, logogriph, onomatopoeia, oxymoron, or merely a tetragram, you need not file, but you must respond in any case.

Please note that initialisms are considered a subset of acronyms.

In addition, if your acronym is considered to be gelogenic in origin or nature, a red logo-stamped button is required.