Dear American Express, I Have Reached My Personal Debt Ceiling

Thank you for sending me my monthly statement in which you ask me to pay for the charges that I incurred.

In response to my conversation with Ashley from customer care:

Yes, it is true that I used my credit card to buy dinner at the Sushi Buffet-All-Day in Marysville. And, yes, we did take our annual Goplin family trip to Old Testament Town. But that’s not the point! If we pay this month’s American Express bill, what will happen next month? Next year? What will happen to future generations of Goplins with American Express cards?

That’s why I’m declaring that now is the time for the Goplin family to stop spending! And to stop us from spending—including on that that amazing six-foot 3-D smart TV that I just saw at Big Sal’s Appliance City of Marysville—we must draw a line. We are drawing it at the October statement of charges. Do not expect my payment.

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Dear American Express,

I have just spoken with Brian from customer care, and here is my response:

You just don’t get it.

Telling us that it’s our obligation to pay the bills we racked up is tired old rhetoric that this American Express-cardholder family rejects. We’ve been hearing this excuse since 1981 (according to the front of my card). It wasn’t our fault we bought that Sony PlayStation. And when the central air-conditioning went on the fritz, what were we supposed to do? Sweat it out? So you may be right that we spent. But, faced with a crippling thirty-two thousand dollars in “previous charges,” we can no longer afford such reckless spending. Enough is enough, American Express.

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Dear American Express,

All I can say to your collection agent Ms. Tiffany is this:

You say that not paying the bills for charges that I racked up will affect my credit rating.

Really?

I cannot institute meaningful change and necessary reforms to my spending if I don’t address my out-of-control spending. Under your leadership, Amex, my family has seen record “new charges” and thousands of dollars added to my “new balance” every month. So, you see, default ain’t my fault.

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Dear American Express,

Today, when I took my colleagues for lunch at the Maryville Lobster Trap and used my credit card, I was declined! Our waitress, Beth, insisted that someone had to pay for my Surf & Turf He-Man Platter. I told them that the problem was waste, fraud, and abuse at American Express! This did not satisfy her.

Anyway, I am willing to compromise and find common ground on reducing my American Express current balance. I have some demands, though. I agree to find a measured approach that reduces our debt and cuts our spending, but that approach should include our next visit to Old Testament Town. And also that fantastic six-foot 3-D smart TV at Big Sal’s Appliance City of Marysville.

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Dear American Express,

This morning, my household held a Goplin-family caucus. We have decided to pay our Amex bill, but only with the following conditions:

1. We want a repeal of Maryville’s recent zoning ordinance requiring back-yard sheds to be set back fifteen feet from the neighbors’ property line.

2. We would like a new sewer line installed on Mountain View Drive to replace our cesspools.

3. We don’t want the new mall built downtown, unless it includes a Gun-a-Rama where you don’t need background checks.

I have polled my family and believe that if you accept our terms, we will agree not to default by a vote of 3–2, with one abstention (that would be Isaac, who is seven).

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Dear American Express,

Deadbeat? Is that what “Mr. Andrew” of AAA Credit Collection called us? Well, guess what? We will never use your card again. Not the green one, the blue one, the cobalt one, or the new translucent one! We will get credit elsewhere!

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Dear First Bank of Marysville,

I’m very disappointed that you declined our application for a Visa card based on our credit history.

Sincerely,

John Goplin Speaker of My House

Steve Israel represents the third district of New York in the House of Representatives and is the Chairman of the Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee.