Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Greetings dearest friends, it is I, The Duke, having returned from a long trip abroad to bring to you once again the cinematic brilliance found in the nether regions of the world (specifically, the anus, or as some like to call it, Germany). It was bitterly cold as I stepped out of my rented calash, the snow crunching under my leather boots. My first steps into the lower Alemannia region were met with some resistance, as if the snow drifts themselves wished to stop my journey.

I had come at the behest of a descendent of the great Bavaria duke Garibald II, a tyrant whose foul deeds were still spoken about in hushed tones before roaring fires in the dead nights of the Bavarian winter. The missive revealed little, only that I should make all haste and tell no one, save my normal cortege of servants, luggage bearers, and Roman bodyguards, their rippling muscles and mute stares more than enough to keep safe my personage.

I was met in short order by a hunched man who refused any questions, simply beckoning for me to follow. The town we were in, if it could be termed that, consisted of a few earthen hovels and one towering keep, its portcullis raised. We walked across the drawbridge, pikes adorned with heads running the length of the approach, their faces obscured by tar, the eyes long since plucked out by the Great Ravens circling overhead.

Once inside, the master of the keep, and sender of the letter, entered the courtyard via a small side door. He was dressed handsomely: a crimson scale tunic, oiled bearskin cloak, and ermine breeches. A helmet constructed of wyvern skull and elk antler adorned his head. A giant of a man, he approached and bent knee, as was my due. I raised an eyebrow at the giant claymore scabbarded on his back, but said nothing. Most don’t enter my presence armed and continue to live, but I chose to ignore the slight. This was his keep, after all.He began rambling in High Chant, a forgotten language employed by scholars, and one that I was fluent in. I learned that he had commissioned a dig some ways to the south, near the Swiss border. Digging deeper than was advisable given this region’s history, he stumbled upon a cavern containing the corpse of a Deepwurm. The skeleton, long since fossilized, reeked of ancient magic. Where the stomach once was sat a treasure long since thought lost in antiquity.

He continued to babble in his excitement, so I raised a finger, bringing him to instant silence. I motioned for him to bring the treasure forth. He barked a command, which brought a servant forward. He was carrying a blackened ossuary, its sides covered in harshly carved glyphs not wrought by human hands. Trying to hide my excitement, I now realized why I had been asked to come here. This man didn’t know how to open the container and wished to gain favor in my eyes by presenting me with it as a gift, even though he didn’t know what it held.

I knew, however. I also knew how to open it. Spreading my hands over the lid, careful not to touch it, I began reciting an ancient cantrip not uttered by human tongue for over 3 millennia. There issued forth a loud hissing, and the lid popped open with such force that it cleanly severed the head of the servant. I deftly scooped up the contents of the chest before he went crashing to the ground. In my hands I beheld a prize thought lost…

Teenage Catgirls in Heat is one of those movies that you either love or hate, much like every single film ever released by Troma. It is silly, poorly acted, poorly shot, and terribly directed while at the same time utterly hilarious, off-the-charts crazy, and insane. The movie fits perfectly inside our Doctrine, for it is a glorious failure indeed. We have to look no further than the movie’s intro to see this, which features Lloyd Kaufman, Troma’s intrepid president, sharing his thoughts on the movie. Using a ton of cat-related puns, he gets us in the mood, and after he dropped this bombshell, I knew I was in for a treat:

Our movie opens with a cat, shockingly enough. I’d be remiss if I didn’t discuss the only awesome camera shot in the film, and it just so happens to be the first one. The sun glares down on what appears to be the Great Pyramids in Egypt, but then the camera pans down, it is revealed we are looking at the trunk of a rusted out car in a junkyard. Very clever, and it got my hopes up, but alas this is the only clever camera use in the whole movie.

Anyhoo, the aforementioned cat takes off through the countryside before finally arriving home, climbing up on the roof. Meanwhile, an old grandmother type heads outside to feed it, eating some of the food herself at the same time. Realizing the cat is on the roof, she heads back in and goes upstairs to the attic. A dusty trunk she has stored up there begins to rattle and, um, purr, which causes her to investigate. Inside the trunk she finds a statue of a cat, which she begins praying to. Further searching the trunk, she finds a dagger, which she uses to off herself by breast stabbing!

"Doctor, there's this... stabbing... pain... in my chest..."

Ok, at this point, I’m wondering WTF is going on, but the movie isn’t done yet, no! Apparently the statue (or icon, as it is referred to) is possessed by some Egyptian cat goddess. We aren’t too sure what her goal is, but her first deed upon being freed from the old lady’s trunk is to set off a wave of cat suicide! To say I had tears of laughter streaming down my face at the next few scenes is a gross understatement. We are treated to several scenes of fake cats being tossed off roofs and bridges and being run over by cars. Friends, if I were to ever make a movie, I am going to totally rip this scene off, it was beyond awesome.

Pussy suicide has been on the rise lately.

Apparently the suicidal cats aren’t totally crazy after all, because once they shed their mortal coil they are reborn, as Teenage Catgirls, IN HEAT! Soon we have 5 or 6 naked catgirls running around, who immediately head for the old lady’s house. Here we are treated to a few nude scenes that were obviously shot to provide nudity to the film, a decision I totally respect.

Nude humanoid cat stalks unsuspecting dudes while in heat, more at 11.

While nekkid catgirls are running amok through the countryside, we are introduced to our two heroes of the film. One is a hapless backpacker, a hitchhiker who is getting a ride in the back of a pickup from an old couple. After running over a cat, the hitchhiker is thrown from the truck into a ditch while the old folks speed off (note to self: avoid hitchhiking). Our young hero, who looks like a member of Haircut 100, ends up running into our other protagonist, The Cat Catcher.

"This started out as a Fleshlight, but I just kept adding and adding until I ended up with a pussy detector."

Apparently this guy is employed to find lost kitties, through the use of high tech equipment resembling something The Ghostbusters would use. This lead me to refer to him as The Cat Buster in my notes, and now in this review. The Cat Buster knows something is up, something cat-related is in the offing and he’s going to get to the bottom of it. Through a series of expository scenes, we learn about Egyptian cat worship and various other plot devices, but the important thing is that he hooks up with the hitchhiker and both of them begin trying to get to the bottom of the new catgirl menace.

Meanwhile, back at catgirl central, all of the felines are dressing up using the old lady’s clothes, which results in them resembling Cyndi Lauper on crank, and watching daytime television, through which they learn rudimentary English in short order. One of the catgirls stands out from the rest in that she doesn’t randomly murder dudes for sex. More on her later. In the meantime, we are treated to a scene of a catgirl running off into the woods, stumbling upon a man sleeping alone in a tent, and then sexing him up before clawing him to death.

Some cats attempted to remove their heat by bathing in local rivers, all to no avail.

The Cat Buster and the hitchhiker find his body, which hilariously has a face frozen in ecstasy. Realizing they are close, they renew their hunt. Eventually the hitchhiker runs into the non-murderous catgirl and of course falls in love. This leads to them making date plans, which leads to a hilarious scene in which the Cat Buster helps the hitchhiker dress for success, which results in him wearing clothes that Carlton from Fresh Prince would be embarrassed to be caught out in.

"I was going to give you a Dick in a Box(tm), but I couldn't fit my junk in it."

The day of the date comes, and off they go to have a picnic by a stream. Meanwhile, the Cat Buster breaks into the old lady’s house, suspecting the source of Egyptian cat terror can be found within. Meanwhile, our couple in love come back and begin sexing each other up, which works fine, until the catgirl looses control of herself and starts clawing up the hitchhiker, who panics and runs… straight into the Cat Buster, who has grabbed the cat icon and is trying to escape the wrath of the other catgirls.

"Which way to The Vicar's room?"

What happens next will go down in MMMMovie history as one of the most cringe-worthy and simultaneously awesome scenes ever. The Cat Buster pulls out a banana peel, drops it on the floor, and we watch as the catgirls come running, one by one, through the door only to slip and fall into a heap! At this point, I thought it couldn’t get any better. Oh boy was I wrong! Very quickly, the hitchhiker and the rest of the catgirls are out in the yard, while the Cat Buster is caught up in the mystical Egyptian magic of the cat icon inside the house.

The door opens, and out walks the Cat Buster, who is now apparently the avatar of the cat goddess. Words fail me, so just look at the following screenshot instead:

I have no words.

See! See the awesome! He then goes into explaining that the goddess never meant any harm or some such. At this point I was quite drunk, but basically he does some magic and resurrects every one of the clawed-to-death guys that we’ve seen throughout the movie. Crazy, crazy stuff. He then goes on to say that all the catgirls must return to their previous cat form. This upsets the hitchhiker, who wants to continue to bone his cat girlfriend. The cat goddess solves this problem by giving him the ability to transform into a cat during the nighttime, thus allowing him to continue his cat-fucking fetish.

So, basically, this movie is awful and awesome. I’d give it .5 thumbs up for people who don’t like Troma movies, and 2 solid thumbs up for people who do. It isn’t the best Troma offering, but it is hilarious and entertaining. I was sad to find that the nudity in the film is less than it should be for a film called Teenage Catgirls in Heat, but what’s there is nice I suppose. Glorious failure it is, and I must recommend it to all of my more discriminating readers.

In honor of The Cat Buster and his awesome equipment, I’m awarding Teenage Catgirls in Heat the prestigious (and just now invented) Duke of DVD Award for Busting Excellence:

2 comments:

Duke, you've done the UNPOSSIBLE--you've managed to make me laugh at a Troma film. You should be getting kickbacks from the House That Toxie Built, because you're actually making me want to see these movies. Amazing!

Now, I see plenty of death *of* cats, and some death by *catgirls*, but was there any of that precious cinematic nectar known as DEATH BY CATS? Cos... you know... that's an Empire Fave right there.

Thanks for the kind words, Frau Tenebrous! There's just something so awfully awesome about Troma films... much like videos of nuns being violated by soldiers and/or lumberjacks, Troma movies speak to me.

You know, I didn't notice at the time, but there isn't any death by cat in this movie. Anthropomorphic cat killing, yes, but no actual cats were shown killing horny dudes. A gross oversight by the films' creators, indeed.