You’re 40? Why Aren’t You Married Yet?

“If she’s in her mid-30s and unmarried…you gotta know something is wrong there.”

A fellow devout Catholic actually said that to me once about a woman I was interested in dating. I have to admit a spark of doubt entered my mind, but only for a second. That was years ago, and I never did end up pursuing her (but for other reasons).

But that line stayed in my head as my search for a wife continued, and I often wondered the same thing about myself. I was in my 40s and unmarried. Did people think, “something is wrong there”?

As several people rightly pointed out, over 40 does not mean you are undesirable as marriage material. Egads! That was something I never meant to imply. The simple fact of being unmarried over 40 is not indicative of anything. There are several reasons why someone might be unmarried. I was addressing one issue that I find to be most common in men of my generation: self-centeredness.

It’s easier these days to put off getting married, if not avoid it altogether. You could even make the case that the culture encourages it. We are often confronted with the temptation to put a heavy focus on our own comfort.

But this is not always the case by any means. It’s important to remember there are many reasons why someone is not married after 40:

They have had a bad experience. A bad experience, even just rotten luck, can turn anyone off. Before she married me, my wife went through a divorce and an annulment. Online dating was very uncomfortable for her, and becoming vulnerable was not something she relished. I’m sure a lot of people passed her over when they read her profile, not wanting to take on the baggage. All I can say is I am grateful, because I’ve never met anyone so baggage-free in my life. She is a true gem, and I thank God every day for her.

They wanted to be ready. Another reason people delay marriage is because they want to “be ready.” But you’re never truly ready. And you can’t “find yourself” before you get married. Not truly. At best you can find that you’re someone who wants to get married. It’s in marriage that you find yourself.

A couple of generations ago a man might not be ready to marry until he could support a wife and children. But these days most marriages have two incomes, and it’s much easier to make a living almost anywhere in the country.

It does not take much to make a marriage. By that I mean it takes a few things, but they are the important things. It takes commitment, common values, attraction, and agreement on what direction you want your lives to take. The problem today is that those things aren’t always talked about up front, and people rush into a physical relationship. Once that happens a bond is formed. If you find later that you don’t agree on the big things (faith, children, extended family), you’re on shaky ground. Commitment is difficult in relationships because commitment is difficult in anything in life—and today people avoid difficulty. I think marriage, like most things in life, is simple. That is not the same thing as saying it’s easy.

They held out for someone perfect. I heard from a few devout Catholics who held out for someone who was a virgin, or at the very least someone who had never been married. I respect their perseverance and fortitude, but I think sometimes people can turn discernment into a search for what they want, instead of what God wants. Tobias would have really missed out on something if he turned tail after learning of Sarah’s seven previous husbands. All of them killed by a demon, no less.

They didn’t know what marriage was. I spent too many years expecting marriage to be the way it was portrayed in popular culture. As soon as a prospective mate appeared to be less than perfect, I lost interest. When the head-over-heels feeling waned, I started looking around again.

Perhaps, as in my case, someone just waited too long. By the time I came back to the faith, realized what marriage was, and decided to find a partner, I found I had a limited pool of prospects. Most of the Catholic women I encountered were already married. Many of the ones who were single didn’t seem to know what they wanted yet.

It is true that Catholic marriage means giving totally of self. That is simply at odds with today’s idea of marriage. The quest for “self-fulfillment” is a trap that not only snares most of the secular society, but a majority of Catholics as well. Even if you are not in that trap, you may find many Catholics around you who are.

They’re really shy. Dating can be stressful. Some people find it hard to initiate contact. Some people find it uncomfortable to ask or answer questions. Some people don’t have the confidence to meet people in social settings. There could be a host of reasons why someone has trouble dating. A reserved attitude could be mistaken for aloofness. A quiet demeanor could be mistaken for a lack of interest. You simply never know until you begin to communicate.

Which brings me to my advice:

Ditch the stereotypes and ask questions. It’s easy to fall back on the stereotypes and worse-case scenarios. That will never get you anywhere. You can’t know why unless you ask, so ask. Talk. Communicate. CatholicMatch makes it so easy to communicate with a potential match right up front. Be respectful, but don’t be afraid to ask questions. You’re looking for a lifetime mate. You have a right to know!

I don’t think there is any way around the fact that delaying marriage significantly decreases your chances. But as Catholics we have an ace up our sleeves, and that is the grace of God. If we get down to the business of discernment (and keep it up through the dating process), then we remember that nothing is impossible for God. But we have to remember that: for God. And we have to remember that if it’s God’s plan, then it’s also God’s timetable. We have to die to self, we have to trust God, and we have to persevere.

Erik Washam (Erik-215414) is a magazine art director and writer in the D.C. area. After spending his 20s and 30s in the pursuit of Truth, he reverted to the Catholic faith. He writes from the viewpoint of an American man trying to live as a devout Catholic. Erik and his wife met on CatholicMatch and are happily married.

Agreed. Been dating for 20 years. To me, one thing was left out…..males and their use of pornography which makes the desire to commit, love, and sacrifice ALL the less leading them to pursue. Online dating in the Catholic circles also makes their porn use “less bad” but it still carries over with this “candy store effect”…it’s all ‘sweet’ and they get overwhelmed by the options for those who really do want to marry. I’ve been trying to learn, heal, grow and develop more of myself over the 20 years of dating – I’ll be 35 this weekend. I know I’m serving the Lord in a way that affirms my callings to the ‘small v vocations’ but man was I not thinking I’d be unmarried now, and without at least 5 children. Nor did I think I was going to be teaching couples fertiltycare and NFP! Helping prepare couples, and also with their infertility problems then conceive..it’s constant reminders of the unmarried state, but also that there are SO many healthy people out there meeting and I continue attracting very wounded guys. Before you all throw tomatoes at me — YES, I know we are all wounded. However, there are wounds, and there are WOUNDS. Not sure if it’s the “nurse” in me, but I certainly don’t see many “minor issues” coming my way, but major ones. Projects only the Lord and the man can work through.

I agree with you, thank you for your input. I love how many guys on here say they are “not looking” or “discerning” or better yet, they “have no time for relationships” YET they are on here commenting, searching, etc.

You really have it in for Jennifer Victor . . Maybe she has had a bad experience with males and Porno . . or maybe you do know her . . but one thing is for certain , and that is women are all nave towards males in general only some more then others , even boys becoming men are nave towards them selves and life importance for that matter.

Yeah, don’t call people out. Be polite and respectful and never say anything “bad”. This kind of sentiment is part of the very problem we are having as men and women. If you want a forum where everyone is nice and no one argues, try Facebook.

Yes, it is true that anyone, whether a guy or a gal, can be too picky or have too high expectations for a certain mate. However, I really dont understand this notion that marriage is just about self giving and sacrifice. Sure, that is part of it. But, if you “settle” or really arent that into the person you are marrying, is that really beneficial to the other partner? When people start aging, it is is true that they likely have to be more open to dating divorvcees and others with kids, if they are really realistic about finding a mate. But, if someone just isnt comfortable or wants to date someone with kids or someone previously married, as Pope Francis said, “Who am I to judge?” I dont think you can just make generalizations for the whole dating public because that simply isnt going to work. If someone would rather just be single and hold onto finding a soulmate, realistic or not, that is their choice. Let them be.

My two cents:
First, we live a secular culture that has lost it’s way in understanding what marriage is and is not. Toss in a lack of sexual morals and a whole lot of self centeredness and you have a perfect brew for misery and despair.

Second, as a revert to Catholicism after being swept away by secular compromises and selfish ideals, I am now ready for marriage that would have been a disaster if it happened back in my 20s or 30s. God has a way of keeping us safe, even if we are oblivious to us.

Third, the toughest part is communicating but also the reality that too many of us are too picky or holding out for the right one. I am now willing to go out with women but there is a CLEAR understanding that this is not a courtship, but an interview. Namely you are interviewing each other.

Lastly, one thing I learned from my last short relationship with a devout Christian are the 5 key questions you need to ask each other and be honest. Namely your views on religion, money, in-laws, children, and sex. If you two are too far apart on any one, even if the chemistry is there, then the relationship is a no go. It may even hang on for months without resolution. Wasting every ones time.

Agreed also, that we have work to do, and while we are yes…never ‘done’…we also have some demons to ward off, healing to get underway and assessments to make with our own lives and the crosses we bear whether they are self-inflicted, or circumstantial. We owe it to God, our future spouses, and ourselves to be the best we can be, and work toward the virtue in ourselves that we wish to see in others.

Thank you for your post — unique and necessary. I agree with the “interviewing” too — which is why I call it the MCP (Marriage candidacy program) and the guys, applicants:)

This is good article, good reflection. I always want to get married in church, have children, have family. I have that thought since I was teenager. But, here I am, getting 42 year old, not married yet. I am a shy person, not good in social life, but I push myself to have blind date that set by family and friend, joined single activities to meet more people. Finally met someone, in serious relationship for 4 more years, but not make it to the wedding. So, I am not sure why either, 40, not married yet. But I have not given up yet. Hope to meet my soul mate through Catholic Match, I keep praying for that. I believe God has His way and will always give His children the best plan in His time.

I’m divorced for 9 years now and in my area it’s just hard to find someone with similar likes and beliefs! Of course there has to be a mutual attraction. Ah dating in my 50’s has proven to be rougher than I thought!

I hope I’m not 40 and unmarried. I’m a long ways from that age. Not previously being married is mandatory for me and no kids yet. I am not second-wife, step-mom material. I don’t think that’s preposterous. The guys I want to pursue already love someone else. I am losing hope that God has anyone out there for me. I went on my first date two years ago. I don’t care if the guy is Catholic; he can be any Christian denomination within reason, or Jewish, or even not officially practicing any religion. He just has to respect my values, be nice, have some hair, and not be ugly or obese. I found some guys that were great on the site, but only one of them went on a proper date with me and I never heard from him again. The rest didn’t generally respond. I’m nice, pretty, educated, and I know what marriage is all about. Long, loving marriages run in my family.

Anna, sorry to say because of the culture, if you don’t find him young…you’ll have to “wait around” for the “second coming” when the guys are “ready” to move from their porn and careers, to real relationships with real women. I have found the men 20 years older than myself who WERE married and annulled for instance, because they at least made a commitment to a woman, and not soul deep in self-sexual sins which change their brains and capacity to love and be loved. I will pray for you that it happens soon. I, at 21, thought for sure I’d be married with 5 children by 30. I’m 34 and attracting man-childs who want moms and nurses, but also to keep their right hand and devil’s images. VERY disheartening. Yup! Long, loving marriages run in my family too….different times, my dear.

Here is some think to shock you . . I my self find porn to be sickening and can not believe human beings could be so sick that it makes me want to put an end to this world now . . more so that it involves women to make theses sick films that i find murder deserves less punishment then the type of people who earn there living from it.

I just turn 56 in march and have never been married for reasons beyond yours or any one here capacity to comprehend . . .

I try very hard all the time to respect women only sadly to find its not what they want , or at least even if they understood the value of respect , what it means and why its important would be comforting .

Excellent article with great insight; I could have written it from a female perspective and drawn the same conclusions. Obviously, there are many people over 40 who are single either by choice or through other reasons who are in the same situation. Many have all but given up on dating because they don’t want to expend the energy it takes to “interview.”

If Catholic Match or other online matching services are to be successful in connecting men and women, it’s important to be confident in taking the first step: reaching out to another to explore a match. Historically, it has been somewhat taboo for females to take the first step, and they can be stereotyped as being too aggressive or having other motives. Yes, we are more open as a society now, but this sentiment remains to a certain degree.

Which brings me to a question for men: Is is socially acceptable for women to initiate contact with men these days through online dating?

Here’s another possibility: God has given the person a specific non-institutional vocation and wanted them to pursue it while young. This can look like “he waited til he got his PhD, dumped the girl who waited for him 7 years who was ‘good enough’ for then, and got married” or “she outgrew him when she entered graduate school and when she no longer needed the intense emotional support, she moved up.” Or it can be, God was calling him/her to do something else for a while, and since he/she DID NOT FEEL CALLED YET TO MARRIAGE, it did not take place. I guess I see a lot of assumptions on the human level that wants everyone married in their 20s. This makes sense for some forms of vocation but not others. There needs to be room in the contemporary Catholic culture for something between 10 kids and consecrated religious life, because self-donation can take all kinds of forms, and it’s for God, not us, to set the terms of faithfulness to a call.

Yes. Yes yes yes. Agree completely. The most secular couple who met during the teen years and young 20s, who GREW together — are some of my best NFP couples vs the 40 year Catholic couples who often bring them a ton of baggage namely, what you listed in your comment. Great comment. Thank you for posting it, so it gives me a little break from my rant which would be smokin’ from the keyboard and I have an early shift in the morning hahaha:)

Amy i dont think people marry because they feel called to it , . . take sex away and you will find hardly no one would be interested in marriage. . real Love hardly comes with marriage in any shape or form.
Except while young & at heart , Love is often blind.

I’m afraid I don’t understand your comment. Are you saying most people marry for sex and live loveless lives? This does not sound like a discussion of God-given vocation and self-donation, even if your statement is numerically accurate.

You not understanding is based on your experience as a female . . I’m not saying people marry for sex and live loveless lives , . . there are other deeper options to my statement then just people marry for sex . . we all know people dont have to marry just for sex to start with , and ever one has a portion of love to give even if they are evil engaging in evil things.

Any thing is a God-given discussion that involves evil through nave mistakes.

Sex is a weakness and every one needs to be loved by some one so as not to become sexually immoral . . Though often the need for sex can over ride love in many cases.
there is a lot to go into to explain , i mind if you have questions to ask on the way as it helps .

I had not thought of people viewing 30 or 40+ yr old singles this way! Being a 37 yr old single female, this dampens my hope a little more. I also have 2 kids so i already know men are unfairly and unjustly judging me on this. I don’t mean not wanting to date someone with kids(I can understand that), but judging a single parent. I think my “problem” is as mentioned here, I can be shy in certain settings. I am not just searching for a Catholic man but if not then he must have respect for my religion. Anyway, hopefully this story will open people’s minds!

Erik , you have a lot to say about some people are like this , others are like that , while some are this way & others are that way.

It could be the part of the world were you come from that , that people are that way incline.

But here in my world nothing you pretty much mention is the case why people at 40 and on in age are not yet married , . . why would any one judge such a person with out learning from them first , more so for man it would be rare to find a women chaste or without kids at that age. . and thats okay for a genuine situation.

Two major reasons why people are not married by 40 is.
. . . 70% of them have been out partying and jumping in and out of fake relationships for love of sex and fun and then decide . Oops time has slipped by , now I want to get married .

20% have kept them selves chaste but cant find any one genuine and a match , for i do believe a couple should be a soul mate towards each other to be right .

Great article, and very true. It is God’s timetable, not ours. Sometimes we are called to wait, and often we don’t know why. I always thought I’d be married at 21. By my mid-30s it hadn’t happened and I’d pretty much given up hope, going through the motions to appease my family, but basically I was convinced that it was never going to happen: and I’d finally got to a place where I was okay with that. And then I finally did meet someone and everything became clear: why my life had worked out a certain way, why his life had worked out a certain way, why we couldn’t have met earlier. That said, it has not necessarily been easy. Dating a man who has previously done the marriage-and-kids things isn’t easy (so Anna, I understand why you don’t want to go down that path), but dating (and discerning marriage to) a 40-something who has never been married also has its challenges. As for dating a non-Catholic, the fact is that you can meet a very moral, very good person who sincerely respects your beliefs at the dating stage, but that doesn’t mean that they will necessary share your views on things like marriage/bringing up children later on, so really it’s a question of how much you are prepared to sacrifice in order to be with that person, and are you truly called to be with that person or is it ‘fear’ talking. All I can say is that prayer is absolutely vital.

well well….. I’m going straight to the point here. why woman are in their 40s and not married yet? let me just include several things that lead to that. 1. they are NOT ready for a commitment after college. 2. They want to focus on their “career” and don’t want any distractions (but they do want pleasure when they need it) 3. They want to travel the world and have a great job instead of a FAMILY. 4. They want to get their Masters – more time to lose here…!!! hello.. 5. They become so self center and all the focus is on them, that they want to go for their PHD.

By all means any man wants a strong,smart, intelligent, motivated woman, after she will be the mother of our kids. But not this way. Heck I have met plenty of these types and I just get away from them, nowhere in the conversation at age 30something do I hear any plans of a family just work/career travel. woman forget their real purpose on life and instead just focus on themselves. I can keep on but I will just leave it there…
Cheers everyone,

Cruz, I think the problem is that most women do want the whole marriage and family thing but a lot of them are afraid to admit it – for fear of scaring men off. Society has conditioned us to believe that a woman’s place is not at home but in the boardroom which unfortunately is not necessarily conductive to family life or even simply finding a spouse. All very sad anyway.

Cruz . your theory on women only covers some which i mention already , they want to party and sleep around is the majority , while a few genuine lady’s just have not found Mr right , and it applies to men as well .

Wow! So, is it wrong for a woman to have a PhD? Does having a PhD make you self-centered? I had a PhD at 29, but it never stopped me from dating or considering marriage. Many of my friends had their PhDs in their late 20s, and are happily married. I love to study, and that is just part of who I am, just as somebody else loves to sing, or dance, or whatever. Marriage has ALWAYS been important to me; it hasn’t happened yet, but it has NOTHING to do with my PhD. I am sick of hearing men moan about women with a PhD.

Good article however the thing I have come up against in being in my 40s and never married…Per Catholic faith and, more importantly, the words of Jesus – if you marry someone who is divorced, you are committing adultery (except for reasons of infidelity). So I do not considered divorced people when I look on CM. Even annulments, in my heart, I feel is not ok with God even if the Catholic Church ok’d it. So I am torn between only seeking people who have never been married or are widowers. I do believe if they are divorced due to their spouse cheated, I feel that would be ok in God’s eyes – again because it was what He said. It has been tough that since I have turned 47 (about to be 48) it seems the men my age are looking for “20 or 30 somethings”. I have no proof of this, just from what I see (and I don’t believe all 40/50s males are like that.) It just makes it that much harder for us middle aged woman trying to follow God’s call when the choices keep dwindling. With that said, my heart tells me to have faith and I will be with the one I was made for in His time, not mine. After all, if it isn’t impossible (which is what the world says) it is not a miracle.

It’s probably safe to say that everyone on this site has had a fair share of heart ache and disappointment in the dating realm. For men, they might be upset, as Cruz said, that women have bought into the lie of the secular world and focused on their careers over marriage. For woman, as Jennifer points, many of them have dated men who are also influenced by the lies of the secular culture especially regarding pornography. I used to work at a Christian magazine (Salvo), that wrote numerous articles on the issue of pornography, and it might shock people to know that over 90% of men ages 14 and up engage/engaged in its use and over 40% of women.

At the end of the day, I don’t think it’s the porn, and I don’t think it’s women focusing on their careers. I truly believe it’s that we as Catholics have been in this fallen culture too long and that the lies of the enemy have affected all of us. There’s an old saying that “if you’re in a smoky room long enough you start smelling like smoke.” What it means is that even if you are doing your best to be a holy, amazing, faithful Catholic man or woman, you LIVE in a culture that has lost its way—severely. And that just stinks because it’s affecting many of us getting married. The culture doesn’t value marriage–we have a 50% divorce rate for 1st time marriages and a 60+% rate if you include 2nd time marriages. We have abortion on demand. Contraception is ubiquitous. So is pornography. So is just rampant selfishness–for both men AND women.

Maybe we are all single, because we are supposed to offer up our suffering for the salvation of souls. Our Lady of Fatima said that many souls go to Hell because no one prays for them. God is God. He is the creator of the universe. He knows what He is doing–and He doesn’t make mistakes. Instead of naval gazing too much on all the reasons why we are single, what about we offer up this pain for brothers and sisters in this culture who need God? What about offering it up so that those who have never heard of Jesus or have a bad impression of Christianity will come to accept Him? What about just trying to be the best version of ourselves, surrender to God our singleness, and know that God will provide if it’s good for the salvation of our souls?

I personally had to let go, so maybe I’m just projecting here. But I never thought I’d be 39 and single. I wanted to get married right out of college and start a family. So I find it very comforting to just TRUST Christ because He knows what He is doing!

Over 40 and not married…I think it’s more nerve racking and socially stressful to women than men. We don’t, least I don’t get much static for it. I got married late in life, 38 yrs, and if anything, folks were surprised.

As for women, for all the unfair standards we put on them, this is another very unfair standard. Once over 40 they are looked down on by society, potential mates, and sadly, other married women who consider part of the benefits of marriage to be a status symbol which these 40+ gals lack so they snobbishly and hatefully look down on them (also if they are divorced, “oh, the shame of it”).

We guys over 40 we can be totally single, be out there being playa’s, or once in a while have a girlfriend, it’s no big deal and in some instances we are look up to by other men, especially married men who secretly desire their freedom.

Now gals over 40?…That’s a unnecessarily sad social burden that the Eye People (most of society) puts on them…

Shavel . . Your so wrong . . there is nothing unfair put on women who live a chaste life . . Men who are cable of respect , highly respect them . . And men who play around are not looked up to by real men . . Society which Satan is in control of has its okay and normal for women to play around . . no unfair status is put on women who play around , . . it is right and justest to detest such women and to disrespect them for it . . !

Dom…don’t agree with your opinion and maybe I move around in the wrong circles, but it’s a hard life out there for gals over 40, gals w/multiple marriages, gals with children from different fathers, gals whose bodies just won’t cooperate anymore and remain “attractive” as much dieting and exercise as they put in, etc..etc..

My faults can be overcome with some personality, gamesmanship, and most definitely money…..but gals over 40 or meeting some of the above criteria, in the real world, or at least the world I travel in (this includes the church women I know and meet/fellowship with), it’s hard for them.

Thanks for your opinion Dom, I wish it were so…

P.S. My opinion comes also from having 6 sisters and watching them suffer through some of the relationship stigmas I mentioned…

I have to confess that I am considering leaving the church. Not only does secular society destroy marriage, but the church alienates followers who are single. I’m a convert, and the likelihood of me getting married at 39 is nil. Manhood in the church is represented by husbands and fathers. So not only will I be celibate for the rest of my life, I don’t even get to be a “man”. I finally get my life together only to find out I missed the boat. So society as well as the Church views singles as damaged goods in my opinion.

I finished high school in 74. I finished college in 1980. In my college years, at Ohio State no less, I did not see many students dating. I knew something was wrong. I had no clue college and high school is the time to be shopping for your mate. My parents never encouraged me to date let alone marry. I’m now 58, with cancer, and my last date was in 2001. In retrospect I made two huge mistakes–I should have gone to a small Catholic college–where better to meet a nice Catholic girl, second mistake–I never tried online dating until a few months ago. Had I started ten years ago, I might have found someone. Too many CM prospects are
either widows or divorcees. If you’re divorced, have not gotten an annulment, then I pass. Match.com gave me some great prospects–almost all were non-religious and very few would date a man over 55.Between using these two online sources–I see a huge problem with women cutting their prospect pool down with age, height, and income requirements. I also see many CM prospects not even willing to post a photo! What’s up with that? Realistically how exciting is it to date in your 50s? I know my body is not longer at its best, finding the energy and enthusiasm again is really an issue for me. Dating skills were something I learned too late in life. If I was in my 20s now, it would be a great time to be out looking. For the 50 plus crowd it’s a very lonely time whether you use online dating or not. In my 20s women were pushed to chase careers and reach economic victory. Many did, but the price for many turned out to be no marriage and no family. Success in America is seductive, and you can’t serve two masters. I recall so well how many girls blew me off earlier in life because I had little and they wanted a lot. They were not willing to invest their lives with me and we could grow together. I don’t blame God or anyone else for my singlehood—it played out the way I knew it would. I was very delusional thinking I’d ever be married. It took herculean efforts on my part to even get date1!. Date 2 never happened. I think God spared me the ordeal of divorce, and for that I thank him. I was always the nice guy girls never fall in love with. They love bad boys, boy toys, but normal decent average guys–ones who hold real jobs, pay their bills, stay faithful, etc. those guys are last in line–trust me.

The reason we have so many man-boys or man-childs out there is because women were told to have kids without dads! Fatherless America has lasting and terrible consequences esp. for women seeking a spouse now in their 30s and 40s. The social and welfare policies encouraged women to have kids but not marry.
Sorry–it takes a man to raise a boy or at least improve the odds of it being successful. Once we lost the nuclear family, we lost our nation. A huge amount of our social ills stem from this single factor. As Catholics
we are one of the few forces resisting the trend of easy divorce, living together, friends with benefits etc.
Children NEED two parents, not one FT and one on a visitation schedule. Read the book–Save the Males by Kathleen Parker. Boys and girls need fathers for so many reasons, and most fathers want to love and support their kids. We need to go back and relearn the lesson about having nuclear families and making them work in this culture. Our families were once the envy of the world, today who would want to copy us?