Scotland to be released on compassionate grounds

Prime Minister David Cameron today announced that Scotland is to be released from Britain on the grounds of ill-health. Legal advisers for the country, which was sentenced to be part of Great Britain in 1707, had been seeking a parole hearing in 2014, but a decision has now been made to release it with immediate effect following medical reports that its condition is terminal.

‘We’ve looked at all the evidence and concluded that Scotland is in a state of permanent decline and won’t recover,’ confirmed Mr Cameron. ‘Many of the symptoms are untreatable: stinginess, a love of deep-fried foods, continually producing top-class football managers and a misguided belief that Irn Bru is for drinking. It’s only fair that we let Scotland slip away peacefully into national self-determination.’

Scotland’s representative Alex Salmond welcomed the announcement. ‘Morally, this is the right thing to do,’ he told reporters. ‘Scotland should be allowed to die at home with dignity – although between you and me I’ve got a feeling its chances of survival might be a bit better than Mr Cameron thinks.’

The move has been criticised by American senator Robert Menendez, however. ‘This is a real kick in the teeth for all American citizens who have been victims of Scotland over the years,’ he argued. ‘Hundreds of innocent Americans have been forced to eat haggis on holidays to Scotland, and let’s not forget all the so-called ‘pop’ acts they’ve wilfully inflicted on us – Lulu, the Bay City Rollers, Susan Boyle. And don’t even get me started on tartan. It’s a disgrace, and Britain should be ashamed that it’s even considering setting Scotland free.’

But Mr Cameron defended the decision. ‘The UK has a reputation for compassion and fair play around the world, and this will only serve to strengthen that reputation. I know there are some who think that Scotland isn’t really sick at all, but I say them, just look at how few of them vote Conservative – something’s got to be wrong up there.’