Naked Pants

Friday, February 20, 2009

The world’s bestestest, so much cooler than me little sister –the Magster-had this week off from school. Since she is smack in the middle of doing a stellar job at her college dance auditions, I decided that I could try and pull some of my big sister weight and be cool enough for a chic flick "He's Just Not That Into You"

(This is a big step for me: a quick P.S. about movies that categorize as chick flicks in the “P.S I love you” genre - I hate them. (Excluding, of course, “When Harry Met Sally”) – The “romantic comedy” builds up false expectations. I’ve watched wayyyyy tooo many women sit around doing stupid things waiting and hoping for a love-story instead of going out and loving their lives)

But all coolness aside –here is a quick reality check from a used-to be bitter love queen who now embraces that love is good if it’s equal and shared.

Maggie – a life lesson. DO NOT feel the need to give your attention to any and every man that shows you time and or attention ESPECIALLY if you’re just not that into him.

Granted, my dating portfolio, at times, looks a little - - -let’s say - -- - interesting - but the truth of the matter is I didn’t date or even learn the last name of anyone that I wasn’t that into.

As a species, all women are some magnitude of 1) smart, 2) funny and 3) good looking. Some women excel in one of these categories over the other two. BUT it turns out –throughout history men continue to like females. SO – why worry if he is that into us? Just focus if he’s worth-a-damn of being into and if not – move on.

Also, Sitting at home and eating because you don’t have a date does not make you smarter, funnier or prettier. Put on your big girl panties, get out there and do the things that you’re into.

Monday, February 9, 2009

me:Are you employedWoman: I have 11 childrenme (not blinking): OhWoman: well, I also have 5 foreign exchange students - that I homeschoolMe: That sounds like a full time job; tell me about what you dont like about the grocery offerings at Kinney'sWoman:You know what ticks me off - they only sell half gallons, we use gallons of milk each week, so half gallons just doesnt make sense, I can't imagine why they wouldnt sell whole gallons it's not economicalMe: Fair, (jokingly) a cow would be more economicalWoman: you know, We were thinking about getting a goat...

Thursday, January 22, 2009

As a child, my parent’s friends and relatives would sit around large dinner tables reminiscing about how excited they had been for a certain president, usually Kennedy, and how much they missed him. I looked at these people with some childhood bewilderment.

“Miss him”?! I thought – how silly to miss a man you don’t know. Big deal, he was President. Growing up I had never experienced a president who created actual change for the American mindset. I assumed, much like queens, presidents were figure heads who were just really popular and got picked by people with the most money. To my eight-year-old mind – these men were not any smarter than say, my father, just more interested in wearing suits and talking in front of microphones.

As I went through school I had friends who had been offered trips to the Whitehouse to meet the president, and while I thought this was cool –just think of all the nooks and crannies my snoopy little hands would desperately love to explore-- I was not so interested in shaking this mans hand –he’s just an old white dude. Furthermore, once in a bold move at an Easter dinner I proclaimed to my ultra republican family that I would not take the “opportunity” to shake George W.’s hand if “granted” This resulted in a swift kick under the table and a long glare – but I stand by my testament.

Regardless, last night over yet another culinary feast (that I will go ahead and brag about, because I have been banging out some delish meals as of late – BBQ tofu, stuffed peppers, putanesca, lentil burgers, homemade breadsticks, oatmeal raisin cookies to knock your socks off) We sat and discussed Obama, his first day in office, all the things he had done over the past 12 months and 3 years. We discussed his appeared change of attitude from the campaign trail to the oval office.

And then again this morning, I listened with baited breath to NPR as it guided me through his first decisions, his first bold actions and the many to come. I am filled with the kind of excitement I would have for a best friend who is embarking on a great journey.

I’d gladly shake his hand, In fact I would feel down right honored to shake the hand of his youngest daughter, and let her know that her daddy is, just maybe, as smart as my daddy; then I would coerce her to let me snoop through the Whitehouse kitchen.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

I’m not a big movie watcher. I have a hard time justifying the following - sitting still that long, paying that much hard earned mullah just to sit, and all the eating of junk food while sitting. In general, you could say I have a sitting problem. This carries over to other area of my life, especially the “office space” portion; I can often be found perching in my rolling chair at my desk – just to feel like I am standing up.

I digress, this past week my legs must have been in a little revolt - I sat a lot – it was kind of great. I watched four movies.I’m not about to impress you with great reviews of the latest blockbuster – instead I caught up to rest of society.

In watching order: (I suggest all of them as I didn’t even get up for a pee break)

Burn after reading – Brad Pitt accidentally gets shot by George Clooney while trying to scam the CIAPineapple Express – Seth Rogen accidentally witness a murder when trying to get highIgby Goes Down – Kieran Culkin accidentally becomes homeless while avoiding his life and his crazy MamaO’brother, Where art though – The movie is just one big accident that was foreseen by a blind man all accompanied by a kick-booty sound track.

All these movies had unfortunate events when accidentally being human. After all this watching I went into a week of work where I accidentally was human once or twice or what felt like 400 times. It sometimes hard to remember that I’m human – granted my superhuman self-esteem has kept me rolling. But I don’t think I am alone in this forgetfulness. Accidents happen – the best way to avoid them is to slow down – maybe even sit for a bit. Eh dude?

Many of you at home have thought how much you would have loved to been the supporting role to brad pitt as a personal trainer, getting stoned with Seth Rogen, an adolescent rich kid telling off the mom, or finding a treasure of wealth; yet, it is often good that life is not what it is in the movies – and that we are only human.

Monday, January 5, 2009

...And Freeze(The Dr. Dog lyric above has become my Mantra for 2009. (For those who are hopeful that my ever moving ways and ant-settling tactics are on a downfall - forget it. This past weekend I completed my first 50k (31miles - silly American system) )

Why would one choose to run their own body and brain in circles among the trees and snow for 6 hours? - Maybe to run so far that one finally slows down and realizes - the only thing to run from -as far as humans are concerned - is the stress and to finally find some peace.

As we step into 2009 - a year that some have doted to be the year of change and hope - it is advisable that we look forward while recognizing that for eons of history - animals have been so close to nature that they are controlled by it - unlike humans, who are so constantly plugged in to technologically we couldn't find nature , if we were in the middle of the Sahara, without the GPS system telling us where to turn left. We must take some time...