Monday, September 22, 2008

When Emily went back to work last September I began a new career: I became an at-home dad. I was reluctant to even consider it as an option when Erin was born, because I feared derailing my academic career, interrupting my pursuit of my vocation. But in the weeks leading up to Emily's return to the workforce I came to like the idea more and more, and I embraced it by the time her first day arrived.

It has been one of the least-regretted, most joyous and rewarding decisions I've ever made. My doubts seem ridiculous now.

Not because my career hasn't been derailed, the pursuit of my vocation interrupted, because this has absolutely happened. But I don't feel the tragedy of it.

On Emily's first day of work I began writing e-mails to Erin. At first I'd write them every day, just short or long notes, summing up a day or letting her know about what new milestone she reached, or just using her as a sounding board for whatever was in my head. Eventually many of those thoughts were turned into other kinds of writing, and the pace of e-mails slowed. But it never stopped. In this past year I've written two hundred and eighteen e-mails to Erin: Mundane, inane, boring, silly, sappy, funny, advisory, confessional e-mails.

And now I bookend them.

Not because I'll cease writing them. But because I'll no longer be writing them from the same place.

My year is up. And today (because I'm up after midnight, unable to sleep for thinking about it) I resume my former life, insofar as any life can be resumed in any form resembling itself once your child makes her presence known and felt. In a few short, too short, hours I will be heading back to campus, back to classes, and papers, and advisors and students and professors and bureaucrats and textbooks and ancient thoughts.

Erin won't be going into full-time daycare for another week and half. I'll be keeping my days on campus short this week, and Emily will be staying home for a couple of hours in the morning until I return. But today is the official end of my year as a stay at home dad.

Here is the final part of Number 218:

I am not ready to go back to school. I'm not ready to shift gears from full-time dad, or Stay-At-Home-Dad, as we SAHDs call ourselves :}, to student. I've been away a long time, and I'm not sure I have the enthusiasm or the academic chops for this anymore.

But I'm going back to finish what I started. I have a vocation, a calling, to be a teacher. To teach philosophy to kids who are ready to ask those questions, and to incorporate the philosophical method into their lives as a way of holding the insufferable, agonizing stupidity of much of the world at bay. Your tota, and your grandfather both want me to go back and finish. Your mom wants me to go back and finish. And I want to go back, even though I don't feel up to it.

You will probably run into a situation like this in your own life, in which you feel inadequate to a challenge, or that you don't have the stamina for an especially long task or commitment. So I'm going back for you, too. So that you will always have that example in your life of someone who did finish what he started, even when he doubted himself. I'm Luke, returning to Dagobah (I hope you understand this reference, because if you don't I have utterly failed you as a Geek Dad.)

this post came at the perfect time. I just started going back to school and am right this moment feeling nervous/ worrying about a paper i have to do.Your words have made me feel a bit more positive about it :). Good luck to you!

You've spent the past year teaching one of the best students you'll ever have the pleasure of teaching. Maybe you even learned a few things about yourself this year, too. Your return to school will go off great.

Just do as I tell my son - Write all your assignments down, don't be afraid to ask the teacher questions if you don't understand, and if you forget your homework in your locker, I am done bailing your ass out.

Best of luck to you in finishing your degree. I finally finished my dissertation after my son was born--I found I was a lot more focused and kept my eye on the prize. But I also felt it was not my path anymore, so after finishing I decided to stay home with him indefinitely (permanently? who knows?).

Here's to hoping you figure out what's best for you and your family too.

However, I have to say that although you say that you are not feeling "up to it", the fact that you are doing it suggests to me that there is a part of you that believes you will be able to get back into the swing of things. You've done this before, and although you might be out of practice, you're the same smart person as before. And now that you've taken a year to be with your daughter full time, I think you've got an incredibly solid foundation to which you're adding this new (old) part of your life.

Good luck and Gods Grace. I don't think I could go back at this point (I also think I am a lot older than you...lol.)but the one regret I have is not going back when I could have. Your doing a wonderful thing for you both. Embrace and enjoy the new parts. And just think of all the things you will be able to do...compare notes on classmates, teachers, and snacks.....

I know how hard it is to go back to work or school (or both) after spending a year at home with your child. But it's important to your future. And therefore, it's important to her future. I'm glad you recognize that.

congrats on going back to school. I long to do so, to further my skills ( I was a teacher, but i don't know if I am staying there). I will most likely be going back next year, and I look forward to it completely.

try returning to the work force after almost 8 years as an at-home dad.

that's where i'm at and it's making me crazy, from the HR folks who say things like "how were those 8 years at the beach?" to other possible employers who won't hire you out of pure guilt on their own part for not answering the challenge of being an involved parent.

Congrats. That is a big decision. You will get used to the new routine quickly enough...I went back to work three years ago after 4 years as a SAHM. Tough at first but then I started to enjoy it. I would think going back to school would be amazing....good luck!

What a lovely post! My DH just went back to school after 'lo so many years, so this seems especially relevant to our lives right now. Plus, I just got Lego Star Wars for my birthday, so there's that too. :-DCongrats...

Hope it went well! If it's any consolation, I found it a bit strange how easy it was to slip back into the old routines and habits once I went back. it will likely be something the same after a bit of adjustment and finding your feet again.

First of all ... the going back to school thing. It's the right thing to do..no matter how hard it is for you. And you know that.

But more importantly...HOW COOL IS THAT THAT YOU HAVE 218 EMAILS TO YOUR CHILD?!?!?!? Seriously...I'm such a reader that if email would have been around when I was a small child, and one of my parents did that (particularly my dad...you know the dad/daughter thing is just so precious)...I would cherish it like I'd cherish my firstborn child.

You are going to be Erin's hero ... now, and in the future. That is so incredibly awesome.

I wonder if you'll do what I did the first time I went back and listen for her voice all day, miss half of what everyone says to you because you're wondering what she's doing right that moment. It gets easier and just different, but you'll make it work. You'll be teaching her the wonderful gift of dreams.

I'm so proud of you for being a great example to Erin (and to the rest of us). You'll love being back at school, and I'll bet Erin's going to love her "school" too! I admire you for the way you love and take care of your family, and I know you will continue to do so in the future.