24. “Women need to warm up their feet and feel comfortable before they’re in the mood for sex, a 2003 European study found.” To warm up her trotters, you could ask her to “stretch one leg out to work on [your] johnson with her toes.”Or you could just rub her feet with your hands, you dick. Anyway, in my mind, people who say “trotters” and “johnson” in the same sentence don’t get to have mutually orgasmic sex.

Surprise him by sprinkling grill seasoning in his boxers before he goes to work. If he asks any questions, tell him you want his meat to be ready when he gets home.

I'd definitely read your magazine.

_________________"...anarchists only want to burn cars and punch cops."- nickvicious"We'll be eating our own words 30 years from now when we're demanding our legislators outlaw aerosol-based cyber dildo-wielding death holograms."- Brian

It reminded me of the time one of my housemates was talking to some guy on OKC and he said he wanted to "bite her butt" to her and she immediately called me over to look at it. We just stood there like, "what the fizzle?" It was one of the funniest/weirdest/creepiest things I've seen someone say to a woman.

_________________"...anarchists only want to burn cars and punch cops."- nickvicious"We'll be eating our own words 30 years from now when we're demanding our legislators outlaw aerosol-based cyber dildo-wielding death holograms."- Brian

Surprise him by sprinkling grill seasoning in his boxers before he goes to work. If he asks any questions, tell him you want his meat to be ready when he gets home.

More, please!

Mr. Shankly wrote:

It reminded me of the time one of my housemates was talking to some guy on OKC and he said he wanted to "bite her butt" to her and she immediately called me over to look at it. We just stood there like, "what the fizzle?" It was one of the funniest/weirdest/creepiest things I've seen someone say to a woman.

Not quite the same as ass-biting, but I once had a dude lick my face. Freaked me right the fork out. I was at work (waitress) and it was kind of traumatic, not to mention I was 20 and he was at least 15 years older than me (meaning it couldn't be chalked up to weird adolescent inexperience, not that that would have made it better). Aaaand his drunk asparagus didn't get kicked out because he was a semi-regular customer with lotsa $$$

Not quite the same as ass-biting, but I once had a dude lick my face. Freaked me right the fork out. I was at work (waitress) and it was kind of traumatic, not to mention I was 20 and he was at least 15 years older than me (meaning it couldn't be chalked up to weird adolescent inexperience, not that that would have made it better). Aaaand his drunk asparagus didn't get kicked out because he was a semi-regular customer with lotsa $$$

what? some dude just randomly licked your face at work? how does that even happen? and fork your employers for not kicking him the fork out. no one needs money from fuckwits like that.

Not quite the same as ass-biting, but I once had a dude lick my face. Freaked me right the fork out. I was at work (waitress) and it was kind of traumatic, not to mention I was 20 and he was at least 15 years older than me (meaning it couldn't be chalked up to weird adolescent inexperience, not that that would have made it better). Aaaand his drunk asparagus didn't get kicked out because he was a semi-regular customer with lotsa $$$

okay the face licking is super strange, along similar but much less traumatic lines: some guy once did that to me while we were making out. just like, pulled back and licked my face from jaw to temple.

_________________Space has stared into the tiny syrup holes of our shame and it does not judge us. - Amandabear

"Seductively wrap your man's shaft in duct tape, all the while telling him how you are going to spend hours and hours lasciviously pulling it off with your teeth. He'll be turned on by your dedication."

"Seductively wrap your man's shaft in duct tape, all the while telling him how you are going to spend hours and hours lasciviously pulling it off with your teeth. He'll be turned on by your dedication."

I have to try this!

_________________My oven is bigger on the inside, and it produces lots of wibbly wobbly, cake wakey... stuff. - The PoopieB.

_________________"...anarchists only want to burn cars and punch cops."- nickvicious"We'll be eating our own words 30 years from now when we're demanding our legislators outlaw aerosol-based cyber dildo-wielding death holograms."- Brian

def putting rhinestones around my nipples for special occasions from now on.

note to self: adhesive rhinestones, not bedazzled ones. ouch.

_________________Did you notice the slight feeling of panic at the words "Chicken Basin Street"? Like someone was walking over your grave? Try not to remember. We must never remember. - mumblesIs this about devilberries and nazifruit again? - footface

15. "Dip your breasts in edible body paint, and use them to 'sponge paint' his entire body. Then lick it off."How big a bucket of edible body paint would you need to dip your breasts in it? And what sort of weirdly dexterous breasts allow for painting? Doesn't this just involve lunging at him like a brightly-colored walrus?

Brightly colored walrus...yesss.

_________________"I think I am going to turn into a chickpea." ~DakiniLove is like a pineapple, sweet and undefinable~ Piet Hein

15. "Dip your breasts in edible body paint, and use them to 'sponge paint' his entire body. Then lick it off."How big a bucket of edible body paint would you need to dip your breasts in it? And what sort of weirdly dexterous breasts allow for painting? Doesn't this just involve lunging at him like a brightly-colored walrus?

Brightly colored walrus...yesss.

Some of us could probably manage with a normal-sized paint container... IBTC flicks the weasel

EDIT: I didn't know about the F.TW filter, but it's oddly appropriate?

15. "Dip your breasts in edible body paint, and use them to 'sponge paint' his entire body. Then lick it off."How big a bucket of edible body paint would you need to dip your breasts in it? And what sort of weirdly dexterous breasts allow for painting? Doesn't this just involve lunging at him like a brightly-colored walrus?

Brightly colored walrus...yesss.

Some of us could probably manage with a normal-sized paint container... IBTC flicks the weasel

EDIT: I didn't know about the F.TW filter, but it's oddly appropriate?

wait...flicks the weasel makes that? thank you for pointing that out it's confused the hell out of me forever.