Lactose-intolerant man gets sick after drinking Tim Hortons latte

St. Stephen — Tim Hortons may be billing its new lattes as “perfectly uncomplicated,” but now the company is being called upon to explain the intestinal complications suffered by one New Brunswick man.

On April 26, Tim Hortons rolled out its “new latte” at more than 3,500 restaurants across Canada. Boasting its new great taste and innovative espresso machines, the coffee corporation is attempting to sell high-end caffeine to the everyday coffee drinker for $2.99.

However, one New Brunswick man with severe lactose intolerance is raising a stink over the new hot beverage. Ron Vache from St. Stephen is saying that his latte dreams turned into a stomach-churning nightmare.

“I’m really, really lactose intolerant,” confessed Vache. “It can be very embarrassing. One sip of milk and I start tooting louder than a car horn. So, I wasn’t impressed when I went to Timmy’s and decided to try one of those fancy new coffee drinks they were advertising.

“I didn’t ask for any milk,” he continued, “I drank the whole thing in a minute, and it was so good that I had another one right away. Then, I started to sweat like a heifer at a hamburger joint. Before I knew it, I was stuck on the toilet for an hour begging Jesus to make it stop. When I came out, they told me that drink was like 90 percent hot milk!

“I just can’t believe they didn’t ask me before they put milk in it,” said Vache. “They ask for every other drink, why not this one?”

“At first we thought this was some kind of joke or con,” said Tim Hortons spokesperson Rhonda Leche. “But, then when we heard that the man was from St. Stephen, that explained everything. From now on, we will be more clear about what is in our drinks… especially in St. Stephen.”

Despite the latte letdown happening two days ago, Vache says he’s still experiencing symptoms. “My insides are still churning and all I had to eat today was some yogurt, a block of cheddar cheese, and a quart of ice cream — no milk whatsoever! Whatever that latte did to me, it messed me up good!”