LE

BLACKADDER: Baldrick, fix us some coffee, will you... and try and make it taste slightly less than mud this time.
BALDRICK: Not easy I'm afraid, Captain.
BA: And why is that?
B: Because it is mud. We ran out of coffee thirteen months ago.
BA: So every time I've drunk your coffee since, I have in fact been drinking hot mud.
B: With sugar.
BA: Which of course makes all the difference.
B: Well, it would do if we had any sugar but we ran out New Year's Eve 1915. since when I've been using sugar substitute.
BA: Which is?
B: Dandruff!
BA: Brilliant.
B: Still, I could add some milk this time- well, saliva.
BA: No, thanks Baldrick. Call me Mr Picky, but I've chosen to cancel the coffee.
Later when Captain Darling is presented with his "milky" coffee with 3 sugars:
CD: Oh, Cappuccino. Got any of that brown stuff you sprinkle on the top?
B:Well I'm sure I.....
BA: NO. NO.

LE

Yes, BOY although I have a strong constitution I was reaching for the x when the brown ice cream was being splurged. Definitely not one to show the wife, she;s unhinged enough..... but funnily enough I get free access to her workplace.....there is potential

LE

Reminds me of the game, "Do you take it up the shitter?". Basically you ask someone the starter question, "Do you take it up the shitter", then they have to ask someone else, with no hesitation another question. The aim of the game is to make people hesitate or laugh etc. My killer question that nearly always wins is "What's funny about the Holocaust?"

"The successful pilots succeeded because they did not open fire until they were close to the target." Grp Capt Douglas Bader CBE, DSO, DFC, DL, RAF

"Sir, if I lost all my men, both my legs, my right arm and all my front teeth, I would still be making my way to your location."

LE

Explaining 'freckles' is one way to get people looking at you oddly for the rest of the day. You can stretch it to a week if you say 'yes' when they ask if you ever played it.

Apparently.

Once during a fever I remembered that when a European is dying, there is usually some sort of ceremony in which he asks the pardon of others and pardons them. I have a great many enemies, and I thought, what should my answer be if some modernized persons should ask me my views on this? After considering it, I decided: Let them go on hating me. I shall not forgive a single one of them.

LE

True dit.... in the '70's a certain British Artillery, Major G.... R.... on secondment to Fort Bragg [I think] as an instructor. Doing things on the blackboard and hears the class coming into the room for a lesson behind him.... much noise.... so he says "OK chaps, play the white man, settle down...." Instant silence. Good, he thinks and turns round .... to observe a sea of black faces!!!!!!
Difficult time explaining that it was an old British Army expression.

LE

Yep... and I've told a room full of social workers of varying religious persuasions and skin colors here in the USA that the fact that X had done something quite nice of them for me was... wait for it...

"Mighty white of you..."

The hardest part was trying to stand there as if that phrase was perfectly normal while not busting a gut laughing at the same time... I failed, cracked up and carried on...

LE

from a marine friend:
"whilst on exercise with the USMC in the states, we were down by a beach having a break from training. A senior USMC officer came down for a visit looking for our instructor. One quick witted corporal said: "oh yes sir, we're came down here with Gunnery Sergeant Lingus"

Senior officer was shortly seen walking down to the beach shouting for "Gunny Lingus"

The major didn't think of his superiors as fools, of course, since it would follow that everyone who obeyed them was a fool. He used the term 'unwise', and felt worried when he used it.

LE

Looking out the window of our communal gathering place for coffee "Fcuk look at the tits on that spacka! Imagine the slobbering tit wnak she would give you!" my office hate me. Or fear me, I dont know which.