Lurching From Bad to Worse..

by GlamWIN

The Place: Kensington High Street

The Drinks: Vodka, Vodka, Vodka

Funny, you didn’t mention “I am a completely mental freakshow of a human being and happen to be eleventy feet tall and weigh 4 st” in your advert…

So the gentleman met me at the station, where it was difficult to make him out as he happened to be standing next to a forty-foot-tall column. He reminded me immediately of Lurch from The Addams Family, but unfortunately he didn’t have the same conversational style, which would have been a vast improvement on the constant hyper nervous babbling coming out of this individual as he loped down the street like my actual shadow (because your shadow is all long and lean, right?) “oh, i know i’m not your usual type but trust me, what you’re seeing now is just a prototype and I will be totally ripped in two weeks!”

Even if you meet someone for an online date and know immediately it’s a “no”, one has to be polite, however, politeness will only carry a gentleman so far, particularly if he’s carried his “date” into an awkward therapy session about his ex, and how she did x, y and z, and how he can “change” and all that, twenty minutes into conversation. Hi, remember me? I’m the one you’re trying to impress by not being totally weird and needy.

The pub – a pub!!!! – he took me to was hideous, brightly lit, and full of chavs, which makes it the single absolute worst place out of the approximate 500 places in that area to take a date – certainly this date. Awkward got awkwarder as he started acting like the hardman he most certainly was not, saying things like “no one else can take any physical pain or psychological torture like I can.” Fair enough, you might think, as he was from a “naughty” website’s online personal ads, but it wasn’t even as though he was being shocking or “sexy”, he was just weird and clingy and desperate to seem “in control”.

Some people will not take “let’s be friends” for an answer, this “gentleman” was one of them. I subsequently received about 15,000 text messages in the days following the date which ranged from “why don’t you like me” to “fuck you, you dumb bitch” and all that. Charming!