Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Random thoughts

I've been spending so much energy trying to have a baby these past three and a half years, I've hardly given any thought to actually having a baby. Two pink lines, pregnancy and delivery I know. It's the taking home and raising I can't seem to wrap my head around. It might behoove me to give that some thought.

But I think I'll wait until I see two pink lines again. It's just too cruel to do it any earlier.

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While were busy painting the kitchen on Saturday I pointed out that if Thomas were here, he'd most certainly be spending the day at Grandma and Grandpa's. The idea of a two-year old and all that paint made me chuckle and shudder at the same time.

My Beloved, without missing a beat, said "Yeah, we sure dodged that bullet, eh?"

Oh how we laughed.

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I still haven't heard back from my RE's office about the date of my lap. And now I'm caught in that horrible should I call or shouldn't I? web. I've called twice. The second time I was kindly reassured that I hadn't been lost in the shuffle and that as soon as the secretary had my doctor's May schedule she'd fit me in and give me a call.

That was three weeks ago.

It seems strange to be begging someone to perform surgery on me. And kind of stupid too.

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Thomas' birthday is 10 days away. I still can't believe how much you can miss someone you barely knew at all.

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Yesterday morning my sneaky cat Lucy crept into the linen closet (where she knows she's not supposed to be) and curled up in the towels. I was in bed and I heard her get in, but ignored it. My cozy bed was far more important than the idea of having to re-wash a few towels.

What did get me up was hearing the sliding doors suddenly slam shut a few minutes later. Lucy can pick the doors open (slowly and painstakingly) but I've never known her to shut the door from the inside.

When I got up I slowly opened the doors and found her happily snoozing away.

I guess she could have shut the door herself - and the sane, logical part of me thinks that's precisely what happened.

But the part of me that believes in things I can't see wonders if it wasn't an impish little spirit playing a trick on the kitty - and saying hello to me in the process.

Now would be a nice time for just such a greeting.

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It's been snowing for three days straight. To whom should I lodge my complaint?

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A friend of mine who bears the same name as me (because of course Kristins of a feather flock together), has changed jobs. I can no longer reach her at her old e-mail address.

Dude, if you're reading this, drop me a line. I need to congratulate you and hear all the details.

1 comment:

"Thomas' birthday is 10 days away. I still can't believe how much you can miss someone you barely knew at all."

That thought haunts me a lot. It's what fuels a lot of the insensitive comments we get, I think (I'm reminded of how your hairdresser reacted). We all know how we bonded with our babies while they were inside us -- how we monitored their movements, talked and sang to them, ate or drank things to watch and feel them react... And mostly we dreamed about how it would be when they arrived. Their death was also the death of that dream, and even though that may not seem tangible to an outsider, it sure feels real when you're going through it.

Hope it stops snowing soon! It's been dry here lately in Montreal, but we've got some snow/sleet/rain due in later this week. I am so ready for spring!

Me in a nutshell

I'm a mother in perpetual mourning. After two miscarriages, our precious son Thomas was born and died in March 2005 after just 20 hours. I struggled with secondary infertility during the ensuing two years and miscarried twins one day shy of 12 weeks in August 2007.
Having now wandered all the way into our 40s, we have decided we're officially a forever-childless couple. If you don't count the 5 we had but didn't get to keep.