Ross : You know what, I’m sure your wish is gonna come true, but, you guys – just in case, maybe a genie will come out if we rub this lamp! (rubs lamp, stops because it’s very hot) Ah!! That thing gets hot!!

Rachel : You know, Ross, just keep making your jokes. How are you gonna feel if we actually do win?

Ross : Uh, you’re not gonna win.

Rachel : Oh, I know, I know, the odds are against us, but somebody has to win, and it could be us! And then how you gonna feel? You know, we’re gonna be all like “oh everybody, let’s take our helicopters up to the cape” and you’re gonna be all like “oh, I can’t guys, I’ll meet you guys up there, I gotta gas up the Hyundai”

Ross : Ok, I’ve heard myself on tape and I sound nothing like that.

Chandler : I can see the headline now: “Lottery winners’ friend filled with regret eats own arm”.

Ross : Why would I eat my own arm?

Chandler : Well you wouldn’t, but we own the paper, we can print whatever we want.

Monica : You know what, Ross? I’m gonna throw in 50 bucks for you.

Ross : Why?

Monica : Because I know that you think the lottery is “boohaki” but we’re all here and gonna watch the numbers and have fun. And you’re my brother, and I want you to be a part of this.

Ross : You don’t have to do that, I’ll pay for myself. But just the fact that you want me to have fun with you guys – that’s so sweet. Come here (they kiss on each other’s cheek and hug)

Phoebe : Get a room.

Chandler : Ok, so now that you’re in, what are you gonna do if we win?

Ross : I don’t know, probably just invest it.

Chandler : Ooh! Calm down …

Joey : Seriously, that’s your fantasy? To invest it?

Ross : Oh, I’m sorry, did I say “invest it”? I meant “be cool and piss it all away” (Joey and Chandler pleased)

Joey : Ooh, ooh, I know! We should pool all own money and buy the Knicks!

Monica : Hey, don’t say that! You got just as good a chance as anybody else of getting that job!

Chandler : He’s the boss’s son.

Monica : (pause) Come on, lottery!!

Rachel : Ooh, you guys, it starts in like 20 minutes.

Monica : Ok, here we go. We need to sort out the tickets as quickly as possible to see if we’ve won. So does anybody have any ideas how to organize this? (doesn’t let them answer) Ok, how about this: we divide them into 6 groups of 40, and the remaining 10 can be read by whoever finishes their pile first.

Rachel : Ooh, I have another idea!

Monica : I’m sorry, idea time is over.

Phoebe : Ok, well, are all the tickets in the bowl?

Monica : Yeah.

Chandler : What about the ones you have on the nightstand?

Monica : There are no tickets on the nightstand.

Chandler : Yes there are, I just saw them a few minutes ago.

(Rachel get suspicious)

Monica : Un, no you didn’t. You must be mistaken.

Chandler : Honey, there are like 20 tickets on the nightstand.

Monica : Chandler, sense the tone!!

(Rachel comes out of their bedroom waving tickets)

Rachel : Well, well, well, look what mommy found!!

(everyone’s shocked)

Monica : Ok, fine!! I bought 20 extra tickets for me and Chandler.

Phoebe : Uh! The psychic also said that I would be betrayed.

Ross : I can’t believe this, I thought we were all in this together!

Monica : Hey, you just got in 5 minutes ago!

Ross : 3 minutes ago!!! I don’t know why that’s important.

Joey : I was with you the whole time we were in Connecticut, when did you even get those?

Monica : When you were reading the dirty magazines without taking off the plastic!

Joey : (to Ross) I’ll show you how.

Rachel : Ok, well Monica, suppose one of your “special” tickets win? How are you gonna feel when you win the lottery and you lose all your friends?

Monica : Please. If I win the lottery, you guys are not gonna leave me. Someone gave me a basket of mini-muffins last week and I couldn’t get rid of you for 3 days!

Chandler : Let me finish … (to everyone else) however, it doesn’t look like I’m gonna get this job so I can’t afford to have principles, so screw you, the tickets are ours!! (takes tickets from Rachel)

Monica : There’s the man I married!!

Rachel : All right, believe me. If you win the lottery, it’s the last you’re gonna hear from us!

Monica : Fine! Don’t be my friends! I’ll buy new friends! Yeah, and then I’ll pay for their plastic surgery so they’d look just like you!

Monica : They’re all in there. Even these five that I hid in my bra (takes some tickets out of her bra and gives them to Phoebe)…

Ross : Monica!

Phoebe : Ok, good. (pause) You guys were so scared! There was no way I was gonna dump this…(a pigeon swoops down, scaring Phoebe who drops the bowl on the street) Oh God, no! (pause) I think I broke your bowl.

Ross : Go, go, go!!

[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s apartment. All are returning from the street after picking up dropped lottery tickets.]

Phoebe : What a beautiful night to be running around the street, looking for tickets. And the wind sure made it fun.

Monica : Phoebe, we lost half of them.

Phoebe : So, what? Monica, we have the winning ticket. My psychic said I was gonna win, remember?

Phoebe : As a matter of fact she said that’s how I am going to die. (pause) So, excuse me for being a little skittish.

Chandler : (looking at the answering machine) Hey, there’s two messages. These could be from work!

Monica : Oh, play them!

Chandler : Ok, here we go. (he pushes the play button)

Message : (Phoebe’s voice) “Hello. Th-this is the pigeon from the balcony calling to apologise” (they all turns to look at Phoebe) “I sh.. I shouldn’t have knocked the tickets out of the pretty lady’s hand. It-it was all my fault. Not hers. Bye. Coo.”

(they all keep staring at Phoebe)

Phoebe : Well, I bet that was very hard for him to do.

Second message : “Hey Chandler, it’s Charlie”

Chandler : This is..shhh!

Second Message : “Listen, oh… it turns I got the last spot. I’m really sorry man, it was a lot of fun working with you. Give me a call if you want.”

Monica : Oh God, I am so sorry honey…

All : Oh, so sorry man. Sorry.

Rachel : Oh, it is so unfair. It’s like that time they promoted Sandra over me at work.

Chandler : Oh, is she related to Ralph Lauren?

Rachel : No, she was just much better at job than me.

Phoebe : Guys, the drawing is about to start!

Rachel : (To Ross) You know what? We should call my mum’s house and say goodnight to Emma before she goes down.

Ross : Oh yeah, it’s a good idea.

Monica : (she hugs Chandler) Honey, you’ve been really strong about this, I know how badly you wanted that job.

Chandler : Yeah, you know, I really thought I deserved it. (pause) But let’s go win the lottery. I mean, we still have 130 chances to win, right?

Monica : (she draws out a ticket from a pocket of her pants) 131. (they kiss)

Joey : (sitting in a chair) Hey guys, so I just called the Powerball hotline, can you believe it? Nobody won.

Phoebe : I beg to differ (shows him her cup of coffee and her plate of cookies).

Gunther : Maybe nobody won the jackpot, but there was this guy in here earlier, and he found the ticket on the street, right outside, and won $10,000 (goes to the counter).

(They all glare evilly at Phoebe)

Phoebe : (hides her mouth behind the cup and speaks in the “pigeon voice” from before) Coo, again. Don’t blame the pretty lady. It was not her fault. It was me, the pigeon, coo! (pause) Seriously, stop staring at her.