Sober

So much has happened to be in the past few years, so much has been gained and lost, but through it all I feel like my life is truly leading down a new and wondrous path. I can say that I have been through a lot in my short 16 years of being alive. But that sounds too cliché. However what I have learned in the past few months will carry on with me forever.

Hitting the lowest point of my life(so far) during sophomore year has really been an eye opener I guess you can say. When you wake up every morning feeling useless and alone that stays with you for a very, VERY long time. That is exactly what happened to me. I’ve never been the one to raise my hand in class, or volunteer first for presentations. In fact most of the time my anxiety would be so high up that I wouldn’t even do my school work.

Being a teenager, or young for that matter can be very tough. And sometimes older adults don’t give us teens enough credit. Us teens go through each day either having the path to adulthood planned out for us by our parents, or like most, don’t even know what we will be doing come graduation from high school. But teens go through so many things in such a short period of time. We deal with grades, trying to fit in, or what other people are saying behind our backs, how we look, if we’re too skinny or too fat.

I’m actually lucky in a way. Throughout my whole junior high experience(and the beginning of high school) I spent trying to get others to like me. I molded myself with what everyone else was doing. If they wore a certain kind of clothing I would get it. I would try to be funny and most of the time I made myself look just like an idiot. I tried to act like I was better then some people just to get higher up on the social ladder. That didn’t help me and to be honest could have been the reason of why I sunk so far during sophomore year.

Sophomore year, which was just the previous school year at times didn’t even feel real. It was as if in a few short months I became several different people all at once. In the beginning I was just looking for a repeat of my freshmen year filled with laughter fun and friends. It wasn’t until the end though when I got those things that I craved for so long. I guess my depression really started when the excitement of high school died down. After walking down a hallway doesn’t get exciting anymore there’s not much ‘fun’ in the aspect of school.

I remember a time when it was my 10 year old sister’s birthday and two of my friends(who happen to be girls) wanted me to go over to one of the girls’ house who lived a block away from me. But I was so irritable that I just laid in the dark on my bedroom floor listening to my ipod. It was then when I truly felt like that was the lowest point of my life. I had become so depressed that I even made myself sick over so many things, which looking back on it now are very stupid.

When 2009 rolled along I had many hopes and fears over what the year was going to be like. What I had hoped was that I was able to pull myself out of whatever it was I sunk into. What I feared was that it was going to be a repeat of the year 2008; which was pretty bad for me. What I got was something very shocking.

I made a list of all the things I was going to do to get myself out of my depression and the first thing was to ask for help, and I did. I confronted my mom about maybe seeing a therapist and within a few short weeks I was already in counseling. And that helped some but still didn’t stick. Although it was nice to go each week and vent out my personal feelings. It was after all just once a week, but I felt depressed everyday.

Towards the end of April I made a life changing event. After three months of therapy sessions, I decided that I needed something to help me more because I couldn’t take it anymore. I couldn’t get out of bed. I felt useless all the time, I felt sick to my stomach for no apparent reason. I was falling way behind in school. For awhile I lost myself in food and I would spend most nights crying myself to sleep for unknown reasons. It was then that my mom and I decided that I should start taking anti depressants.

And so begins the journey to self discovery which as I sit on my couch at 1:30 in the morning typing away on my laptop, I still have no idea where that road will lead or most importantly end. But it’s what I learned in the past few months that make me fearless of the few bumps in the road.

I’ve learned that unless you get up and do something you’re never going to change. I’ve learned that no one can stop you but yourself. I’ve learned that happiness doesn’t last forever nor does sadness, everything must come to an end at some point but I have found out that its easier for people to be sad then happy. Yet we all crave for the happiness we see around us, when truly we already have it. I’ve learned to accept the things I can’t change. I’ve learned that just because you fall flat on your face doesn’t mean you can’t get back up. I’ve learned that god is right inside you. I’ve learned that there is peace inside everyone underneath the pain, the sorrow, and the same. But most importantly I have learned that there is a big huge world out there and maybe I’ll crash and burn but at least I’ll be able to do it…sober.

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