A few ditties

Clanker

on holiday in Spain last week with my wife I thought it would be funny to push her into the swimming pool. She completely overreacted though. Calm down I said as I pulled her out of the water, everybody is look at us. Calm down? she shouted, coughing and spluttering. You know I cant swim. Ok, Im sorry, I was only having a laugh I said. A laugh? she screamed just get in the pool and get my fucking wheelchair back.

A woman goes to see her doctor. What seems to be the problem? he asked. She said I keep finding postage stamps form Costa Rica in my vagina. The doc had a look and said they arent postage stamps, theyre stickers off bananas.

Im just back from a holiday in Thailand. I came very close to shagging a ladyboy. Looked like a lady, talked like a lady, walked like a lady, kissed like a lady. It was only when she drove me to her place and reversed into a parking space first time I thought, hang on a fucking minute.

My son fell asleep at a drunken recent party at my house. For a laugh I shaved off his eyebrows and drew a big cock on his head. My wife went mental when she came home from work and looked in the cot.

Im in trouble with the wife. She asked me to get our spotty ginger son ready for school so I punched him in the face and nicked his dinner money.

My young son asked me how babies were made. I was unsure where to start so after a bit of online research I found a video that explained it all. At the end of the video he was ashen faced and trembling, so I said to him, well son its basically like that except the white stuff goes in her vagina, not on her face and tits and theres not normally a horse involved.

A suspicious item has been found outside a mosque in Liverpool. Police describe it as an 8 inch metal canister. A spokesman for the mosque said they had never seen anything like it. Police later identified the item as Lynx for men deodorant.