Where in the world are your manners?

March 23, 2006|By Jason Steele. JASON STEELE IS A REDEYE SPECIAL CONTRIBUTOR.

You are all a bunch of slobs!

No, not you, gentle readers. You're wonderful. But there are so many people in this city who have no respect for those around them.

It's as if these people live in their own little world, where everything is 100 percent about them, 100 percent of the time. It's like that scene in "Being John Malkovich" when Malkovich enters his own head and it's filled with images of him chirping "Malkovich! Malkovich! Malkovich!"

When it's all about you, it's rarely about the person you are with--which makes for a lousy relationship.

These people shove their way to the front of lines, chat on their cell phones in movie theaters and leave their dirty towels all over the locker-room floor. If their boyfriends/girlfriends/wives/husbands/ lovers knew even half of the rude things they did, they would never get boom-boom in the bedroom.

I certainly wouldn't date a guy who refuses to clean up after his dog. In fact, I would probably grab the guy by the neck and push his nose into the pile while yelling "Bad dog owner! Bad!" I'm sure some guys would get off on that, but my point is that if a guy can't pick up after his pet, I doubt he'll pick up after himself.

Do you see that woman standing over there with the giant purse? I'm referring to the one who got on the "L" directly in front of you and then stopped in the doorway, essentially blocking your and anyone else's entrance.

We hate her. If you dare ask her to step aside she huffs in exasperation.

I can only imagine what her sex life is like. Husband: "Honey can you move to the left a little?" Her: (Disgusted sigh.)

How about that guy whose music is blaring so loudly, you can sing along to every Nickelback song on his iPod? He sits down next to you on the bus and spreads his knees so far apart that you are smashed against the window.

You may lounge like that at home on your ratty futon while watching "SportsCenter," but on a crowded bus you need to close your legs and make room for the rest of us.

He should date Doorway Debbie from the paragraph above. Both would refuse to accommodate the other's needs in bed, and they would end up like the "Saturday Night Live" skit "The Needlers." You know, the couple who should get divorced.

The worst of this behavior happens in more private places--such as gym locker rooms.

You may think that your boyfriend is a regular Miss Manners, but let me tell you what he's up to when you aren't around. A man at my gym, for example, loudly blows every substance out of his sinus cavities onto the shower floor.

A tip for that other guy: If you enter the gym wearing a Band-Aid you should leave wearing a Band-Aid. No one wants to step on a soggy piece of gauze, so pick up after yourself. Were you raised by a pack of Federlines?

Being polite and having good manners doesn't just make you a better person, it will probably get you laid more often.

I don't care how hot you are, no one wants to sleep with a guy who clips his fingernails in bed.