What do you call a detective without his intestines?

After months of detective work, police have uncovered the bodies of a number of missing persons...

These bodies which number in the dozens, were buried in the backyard of a suspected mass murderer. Upon investigation, the police found a series of mass graves. These holes had been dug up by the alleged killer, and contained dismembered body parts, including torsos, extremities, and decapitated hea...

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Two police detectives are discussing a serial killer's case

The rookie detective Bob is reading the case files for a serial killer whose MO includes cutting out the tongues and amputating the legs of all his victims. Curious, he asks the senior detective Joe about this serial killer.

"Oh yeah, we've been trying to catch this guy for about 10 years now...

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Two friends were hanging out. One asks the other: "Hey, do you know about the famous detective that can't do bowel movements?"

The other friend replies: "No shit Sherlock, of course I do!"

How does the Cheese Detective choose his clients?

On a queso by queso basis.

I am meeting with a private detective in one hour.

Can someone please tell me where Cognito is?

A detective ask a Christian after him saved a couple from house fire....

Detective : "You're a brave. Not everyone has courageous to jump in a burning house like you".

Christian smile: "It's my duty as a Christian to save other."

Detective : " So do you know why this house suddenly caught on fire?"

Christian : " 5 years ago when they moved in here , ...

Quasimodo should have been a detective

He’s always got a hunch

Within minutes, the detective knew exactly what the murder weapon was.

It was a brief case.

My girlfriend wanted a favor from me

Her: I want you to kill my ex and make it seem like an accident

Me: Say no more

LATER

Detective: It looks like the killer used a crowbar to beat him to death and then placed a banana peel by his feet

A detective was interviewing the victim of an assault.

The victim described the assailant as a leather box with a handle on it. The culprit was arrested 30 minutes later.

It was a brief case.

Did you hear about the detective who dropped his tablet while pondering the case?

What does the detective turtle on top of another turtle sais?

What do you call a reptilian detective that just can't let something go?

An investedgator

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

“How was he killed” asked one detective. “With a golf gun.” Replied the second detective.

“A golf gun? What’s a golf gun?”

“I don’t know, but it sure made a hole in Juan”

A husband hires a private detective to find out if his wife is cheating on him.

The detective reports back and says he discovered, unfortunately, that she is.

"What happened?" asks the husband

"She went to a hotel and waited in the bar area. On three different occasions men came up to her, handed her $50 and she would give them a key. 5 minutes later she would dis...

Two detectives are investigating a crime scene in a plastic surgeons O.R. (Long)

After an initial forensics report they determine cause of death was blood loss.

Detective 1: I’ve seen their sort of procedure before. Good God! I thought they stopped this sort of operation years ago!

Detective 2: what is it? You’ve seen this before!??

Detective 1: oh yes....Ma...

A detective walked over to his car

As he made the approach, he saw a smattering of crow feces on it and said,

*"There's been a murder..."*

My friend's a police detective and has been diagnosed with severe schizophrenia. He first realized there was a problem...

...when he started to question himself...

A wife is getting fed up with her husband always acting like a detective.

They get into a huge fight about it and she finally says “I think we need to split up”

The husband replies “That’s a great idea we can cover more ground that way”

(Sorry if this has been posted before I only heard it today)

Why do potatoes make good detectives?

They keep their eyes peeled...

What did the detective say while interrogating a clock accused of murder?

"LISTEN PUNK! We know what makes you tick, and we have ways to make you tock!"

I'm in a band called Inadequate Detectives.

We're currently looking for a drummer, but we haven't found the right guy yet.

What’s the difference between a hired detective and a Gynecologist?

Ones a Private Investigator, the others a Privates Investigator

What does a detective wear on a flight?

Plainclothes

The World's Greatest Detective.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were camping. They'd gone to sleep beneath the night sky, when Holmes awoke and shook his companion.

"Watson, look at the sky and tell me what you see."

"I see millions of brilliant stars," Watson answered.

"And what does that tell you?"

"As...

What do you call when you cross a detective with an electrician

Sherlock Ohms

(sorry if this is repost, I thought of it in class)

When you hire a Private Detective?

An important politician was seen moving around with a film actress for a couple of months, with whom he finally decided to plunge into matrimony.

But being cautious, he hired a private detective for the job of looking into her past and finding out if she had any previous affairs with any men....

Detectives finally arrest two men suspected of robbing a 3M plant.

But they couldn’t find any evidence that would stick

What does the detective get on adding up the clues one by one?

The way to make odds even.

What do you call a detective who just got back from war?

Shell-shock Holmes

As an amateur dermatologist detective this latest case has me stumped...

I'm not too worried though alopecia it all together in the end.

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The FBI, Interpol and Mumbai police are having a competition as to who is the best detective squad.

The test is simple. They leave a rabbit into the woods and the team who finds the rabbit in the fastest time wins.

Interpol goes first. They go into the forest, hunt for clues, interrogate the animals, set a trap for the rabbit at its favorite watering hole and within a month, they have captu...

I hear they're building apartment buildings for detectives only

They're calling them Sherlock Homes.

What do you call a group of White-Supremacist Detectives?

The Klue-Klux-Klan.

A detective walks into a party...

and asks the partygoers, "Do you guys have any Nacho Cheese?"The partygoers respond,"No dip, Sherlock."

The detective said, "Something's fishy about this evidence..."

Turned out to be a red herring.

So a man gets pulled over for speeding...

The officer says " liscence and registration" the man says in response "But officer I.. I have a gun in my glove box" so the officer calls in his backup and the guy is sitting outside of his car when he says "I also have a body in the trunk" and then the cops have a detective come to file a report o...

Detective asked why I tried robbing the bank. I said it was a prank

"but you succeeded 4 times before""well, that makes it a prank that went wrong"

A detective in Paris is conversing with the hunchback of Notre Dame about a murder committed the previous night

Detective: Well, who do you think did it?

The Hunchback of Notre Dame: I have a hunch.

A detective has finally solved a high profile dog murder.

He successfully followed a lead.

What did the detective say when he received a really long letter?

"I'll get to the bottom of this."

What do you call a metal detective?

Magnesium PI

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I was talking to a police detective from West Virginia the other day...

He said homicide cases are a real pain in the ass for two reasons,

1. There's no dental records to ID the victims and

2. All the DNA matches.

What do you call a detective in the real estate business?

Sherlock Homes

Did you hear about the family of racist chicken detectives?

They're called the Clue Clucks Clan

A detective shows up at a crime scene

A bakery has been broken into. After some investigation, a police officer checks up on the detective.

The officer asks, "How's the investigation going?"

"Not good. Hundreds of dollars worth of quality pastries have been stolen." said the detective.

"I heard that there's been a ...

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The Japanese designed a detective-robot able to catch thieves easily

They tried it out in three countries.

In Japan, the robots caught 100 thieves in five minutes.

In the US, the robots caught 200 thieves in five minutes.

In Albania, five minutes were enough for the robots to be stolen.

A bad detective will never be able to jump start a car...

They can't find any leads!

What did the detective tell the thug

OINK oink OINK

Why did the detective wear a patch on his left eye?

It's his private eye.

A Good Detective

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson are camping together. When they go to sleep, Sherlock says, 'Tell me what you can see when you're looking up?''Thousands of stars,' says Watson.'And what's your conclusion from all this?'Dr Watson starts to think. 'If I consider it from astrological aspects,...

The police chief is interviewing applicants for a detective job.

The chief says to the three applicants "Alright, one of the most important things for a detective is to have good observational skills, so I'm going to give you all a little test. You'll each get a photo to examine for just five seconds, then you have to tell me what you notice about the subject's a...

Why did the PI detective cross the road?

He needed to keep up with Jenny's U-turns.

Where do detectives go to have a drink?

The Search Bar.

A detective story

An old joke I remember from working retail, works best with the pauses that I hope I get across:

10 am there is a knock at the door, knocks me half out of my secretary It's a dame, she tells me I have to help her find her husband. It's raining outside so I grab some r...

How does a detective stay cool in hot summer?

He works on a cold case.

A Guy is being questioned in the police station, having just witnessed a murder.

They ask him if he can recall any details about the crime he had just witnessed, but the guy can't remember a single thing.

After a few hours of questioning and getting nowhere, the detectives decide to try something different and hand the guy a piece of paper and a pencil.

They ask ...

The three blonde detective trainees

A police officer was tasked to train three blonde women to become detectives.

He showed them a picture of a man for five seconds before asking the first blonde how she would recognize him in the streets. "Oh, that's easy! He only has one eye!"

The police officer exclaimed: "Are you stu...

I hear kleptomaniacs make the best detectives

They pick up everything.

Why did the captain send his flaccid detective home?

He wasn't looking hard enough.

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Three Indian detectives

The chief officer needed a detective so he decided to try three of the best detectives his superiors had to offer.

He presented the first detective with a picture of a suspect and asked the detective what he sees: "Hmm.. " the detective squints "I can tell you that this man is a criminal...

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How did the detective know the Necrophile Killer was a hipster?

He fucked his victims before they were cool.

Detective Interviewing for a Future Disciple

Before you read: When I say "profile picture" I mean a picture of someone facing the left or the right rather than directly at the camera.

A Detective needs someone to work under him, so he decided to do tryouts and it came down to 3 people. The Detective interviewed each of the future discip...

Detective Chen Lee

A man suspected his wife was seeing another man, so he hired the famous Chinese detective, Chen Lee, to watch and report any activities while he was gone. A few days later, he received this report: