Wednesday, May 25, 2016

I roll over, grab my cellphone and squint my eyes a little to block the bright glow of the device that has become my constant companion. It's four o'clock in the morning. Ugh. I have another hour and a half before the my constant companion rings me out of bed. Why am I awake now?

It could be because I'm feeling conflicted about so many things...my "little gray cells" must be really tired of trying to resolve these things while I sleep. In the dim haze of a rainy morning I worry on:

Sadness that testing is such a focus of the last month of school for students and staff...
and guilty joyfulness every day when the standardized testing is over and it has gone relatively smoothly.

Feeling purposeful as I prepare teachers to give these tests...
and purposeless as I analyze the data; what do these numbers really say about/for kids? Us?

My ability to make a difference in the lives of students...
my perceived inability to make a difference in the daily lives of students.

Totally anticipating the long, slow days of summer...
while stressing that they will be over-planned, hectic, and gone too quickly.

The sheer number of evaluations I must write before the end of school...
and the length of time it takes to do each one.

The health of a couple of very important people in my life...
and my lack of ability to help at all.

Turning 50 this summer....FIFTY?
I used to calculate how old I'd be when we started the new millennium (34!) and that seemed ancient.

Children, one back for the summer, life in his hands, me grappling with releasing the reins...
the other ready to launch, me holding on to her reins for dear life trying to slow things down.

These are the things that cause me to wake up in the gray light of dawn.

I roll over, pull the covers up to my neck, and squeeze my eyes shut. Just a few more minutes of sleep will help me, I'm sure.

Wednesday, May 11, 2016

Missed yesterday's blog opportunity - life was overwhelming - but I'm back at it today.

I'm in a unique position this evening - I'm home alone. My hubby and two kids (teenagers, really, but I'll always consider them the kids) are at a Nats Game (Go Nats!) and I'm feeling deliciously free to set my own schedule.

Motoring home this afternoon I considered the possibilities of my evening:

I could work...which will be there tomorrow, for sure

I could escape into TV programs, that I don't usually have time to watch

I could visit a family member...which I really need to do

But...

I pressed the gas pedal a little harder in my anticipation, whipped the car into the parking lot of our local grocery, and bought a frozen dinner and a container of ice cream. The freedom to choose without considering anyone else's needs, desires, or dislikes made me giddy.

Unloading my groceries at the house, with only the dog to keep me company, I reveled in my ability to complete the silly tasks that sometimes drag me down. The trash cans went out to the street, the dishes that were waiting for me got washed quickly, laundry was started. And, I'm happily cooking my own skillet dinner, anticipating dessert and a glass of wine.

Tuesday, May 3, 2016

I have a guilty pleasure...I love to play Monopoly - not the board game that goes on for hours, with corrupted real estate dealings, but the game of chance, like the one our Safeway Supermarket has going on right now.

As soon as the game was advertised I picked up my colorful, paper game board at our local grocery and made my purchases, yielding six game pieces. I grabbed the six green squares, gleefully, and raced out of the store to take a look at what I got. After carefully spreading out the board, I opened the game pieces revealing four smaller pieces that can be stuck onto the board in groups (think the colors that tie the properties together. Eek - how exciting! I pasted all of my pieces down and marveled at how quickly I was filling up my board; then I headed back to Safeway.

My daughter and I were laughing about how much fun we were having with this game and scheming about getting the winning ticket - perhaps for the vacation home, maybe the college education, when Rebecca said, "Mom, I think my friend Sophia is playing too! What if we shared our extra tickets?" Because by now, we had bags of extra green tickets that we didn't want to throw away, just in case. We worked out a deal with Sophia - any extras, we'd exchange and if we hit the jackpot, we'd split it. And, I headed up to Safeway.

Flash forward five weeks - my game board is very full now - but for every "property" section, I'm missing one piece that would complete the property and make me a winner...even a five dollar winner. I'm determined to win something. I know we will win! I contemplate driving to another state for a larger variety of tickets. I head up to my Safeway. Two tickets - no winners.

My hubby went to Safeway yesterday to stock up for the weekend and a special dinner. When I got home, 12 green tickets were waiting for me on the table. They are still there! All of the sudden I don't want to go through the possibility of not winning, anything; I'm not willing to actually take the chance...until I head up to Safeway for a couple of things, and come home with a few more tickets, and I decide that I might just have a chance. I'll open them up and...?