Welcome

Welcome to the POZ/AIDSmeds Community Forums, a round-the-clock discussion area for people with HIV/AIDS, their friends/family/caregivers, and
others concerned about HIV/AIDS. Click on the links below to browse our various forums; scroll down for a glance at the most recent posts; or join in the
conversation yourself by registering on the left side of this page.

Privacy Warning: Please realize that these forums are open to all, and are fully searchable via Google and other search engines. If you are HIV positive
and disclose this in our forums, then it is almost the same thing as telling the whole world (or at least the World Wide Web). If this concerns you, then do not use a
username or avatar that are self-identifying in any way. We do not allow the deletion of anything you post in these forums, so think before you post.

The information shared in these forums, by moderators and members, is designed to complement, not replace, the relationship between an individual and his/her own
physician.

All members of these forums are, by default, not considered to be licensed medical providers. If otherwise, users must clearly define themselves as such.

Forums members must behave at all times with respect and honesty. Posting guidelines, including time-out and banning policies, have been established by the moderators
of these forums. Click here for “Am I Infected?” posting guidelines. Click here for posting guidelines pertaining to all other POZ/AIDSmeds community forums.

We ask all forums members to provide references for health/medical/scientific information they provide, when it is not a personal experience being discussed. Please
provide hyperlinks with full URLs or full citations of published works not available via the Internet. Additionally, all forums members must post information which are
true and correct to their knowledge.

I'm not "friend-shopping" as you call it I don't like that comment. I just saw my primary doc the other day & I agreed to stick with my current psych. However I'm not going to therapy with someone I don't like so that's why myself & my doc agreed to set me up with a new therapist whos a woman. It's hard enough for me to even state some of this stuff in person let alone to a therapist so I'm damn sure going to make sure I have one I'm comfortable with..I don't think that's friend shopping I all that finding a therapist I'm comfortable with. I don't trust people so it needs to be someone I feel I can trust.

I'm not going to try & self diagnose anymore I don't know what's wrong with me at this point. In the past my psych hasn't really listened to to me so I don't feel I can a.) have the time to articulate things & b.) he pretty much throws meds out & boom...visit's over. Hopefully my new therapist can help with some of this crap.

It's so hard for me to talk about this stuff I'm just not comfortable with talking about inner stuff with doctors it makes me cringe & I don't want to crack. I'm going to be as honest as I possibly can with my psych like I have been up to now, and my new therapist. And if I feel the urge to self harm again I'll go to ER.

I feel constantly devalued & degraded like whatever I say doesn't matter & I'm sick of it. People judging, I heard about it & I know. And I don't like it anymore.

Why do I talk to someone and make intelligent relevant points but yet someone muscular and hot comes along and says something stupid and those people act like it's the smartest thing ever. That's foolish.

And how exactly will drugs help. People won't change. They still act like ignorant stupid people who happen to look good to them are the greatest thing ever, when nerdy guys like me don't matter.

I hope this therapist has some ideas because at this point I am dealing with a lot and don't trust anyone & I'm very pissed off.

Went on another interview today, only to be told I did not pass the qualification test. I'm sick of this I'm always failing at everything I do all I want is a job I can do & try to be productive I'm sick of living with my parents for once in my life I'd like to be independent.

I'm trying to remain strong but it's very hard. I wonder is it me? Is it the way I look. At this point I am ready to just give up nobody will hire me even with a clean criminal record. I say all the fake happy shit employers want to hear, & try to be affable & friendly, and I am reasonably articulate. Maybe it's my poor work history. But how the hell does one get work history if nobody will give you a chance?

I am really in a dark place I may have to go to the ER today or tomorrow because I am feeling seriously suicidal again. I cut myself the other day many times it passed but now I feel the need to do it again. I hope I won't be hospitalized but at this point I don't even care anymore. I'm sick of being a failure. And nobody cares.

Robby its good to hear that you live with someone. Do your parents get involved at all in your mental and physical health? I got the impression you lived alone. Last week you were worried how you could even get to the ER, transport issues, not to mention being in public.Would you mind clarifying the living situation and who is aware of your mental state?

With your current level of distress, its not surprising you are coming off badly in interviews. I am a bit surprised you manage to go to interviews, in fact.

The same circular and irrational thoughts keep resurfacing about this unemployment "Is it the way I look." Once again, I can assure you, this is not the issue.

It probably does have to do with your experience to date, however. You are sort of holding out "getting a job" as the solution to your distress, but it might be worth considering that you are in fact, at this time, in no condition to have a job. Yeah, employment is VERY important to personal integrity, sanity, self-worth self-esteem. But at the same time, working isn't always possible if one is mentally ill.

I encourage you to go the ER. Listen, anyway you can get the medical system to take action to deal with your current emotional distress, do it. You need to be in therapy and yes, indeed, you may need to spend some time in hospital but so what. Its your right to find a solid way out of this hole.

Also, again, I am now wondering - are you living alone, or not? Who is aware of your current state?

Logged

“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Meech I'm lucky I guess to be able to live with relatives although they aren't necessarily involved in my personal life. We don't talk about that. I have nobody to talk to regarding my being gay, let alone the hiv & bipolar. It's just all my secrets. Other than my doctors of course. Due to my inability to find work, I am ashamed to have any friends & because I live at home I know people would make fun of me.

It's not even that I come off bad in interviews I don't think. It's more they wonder about my lack of work experience or the gaps in my resume & maybe because of how I look. I just feel so ugly.

I did reach out to my state's vocational rehab program awhile back I thought about maybe going to barber school. I even toured both the schools in my area today..Because of my bipolar disorder the voc rehab would pay for most of my tuition if I went that route..

But I've never been told by anyone in my life that someone is proud of me or achieved anything. I've always been put down, held to an impossible standard, so now I basically am told "you made your bed lie in it". Of course they don't know about my bipolar I have to keep it a secret because in my family that would not be accepted.

So I'm stuck. I just tell myself I would fail at anything I do so what's the point because I never can get a break. At this point I've pretty much ruled out barber school or cosmetology school too because I'm scared I'd fail at that too or that I'd be made fun of like I have been all my life.

It's just hopeless. I've tried & tried but nothings worked so I'm clearly meant to be a failure. I wish I had some hope. But I have none nor any encouragement or support or confidence in myself. I feel like an ugly loser.

Bipolar, binge and purge, cutting, and body dysmorphia are a matrix of disorders that need to be investigated and treated by a professional. You simply cannot keep this all a secret from care givers and hope to get better. If your family are not care givers, ok work with that, but you cannot keep the entire set of challenges secret from a therapist and from doctors. The little I know, I do think you are aware of whats necessary because its important to eventually find a function that returns a sense of self-worth. So obviously yeah the vocational therapy is the right track.

I am wondering why there isn't mental health therapy combined with pills, when and where necessary. Overseen by a MD doctor and therapist, and/or an MD doctor and a psychiatrist (therapist who is an MD as well). Or, you need a brilliant case manager who will pursue some kind of global attention to the challenge.

It seems you hold back information from caregivers, for whatever reasons, at the end of the day its not constructive. You suffer more and worse in your cycles. There might have been traumatic past experiences fuelling the whole storm, you might have to discover what they were. It might be mostly chemical. I do think you need a professional to help figure out the whole she-bang and find some relief from the distress.

« Last Edit: April 17, 2014, 02:18:59 AM by mecch »

Logged

“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

I couldn't agree with Mecch more Robby . Its clear that part of the problem is that your condition compels you to erect barriers and roadblocks that keep you from moving forward in life .

You know that going it alone and doing it your way has not been working for you so please make it a priority to find the right doctor that you can live with and let go with, someone that you can trust to make the right decisions for you and then follow through on what he or she advises with even if it does not feel right at the time . I was in a dark place once and I eventually found a doctor who carried the load and believed in me when I couldn't do it for myself anymore . I got better when I let go and trusted enough to let someone else call the shots until I could do it for myself .

Well my psychiatrist is very qualified & I trust him..But he is not a therapist. My hiv clinic has two therapists. One guy, one lady. The guy I saw way back. Didn't seem to click with him. My case manager seems like she doesn't really care she's just very blase when I told her how depressed I was & that I was cutting myself. She just said "hang in there" and take your meds. I'm taking my meds, but when I'm depressed I'm REALLY unstable & depressed a nobody seems to care or hear me when I say this.

The case manager said I can try the female therapist, and my psychiatrist agreed. But apparently she's really busy they said she would call me & set an appointment up.

I may not last until then though. I am totally hopeless & in crisis & nobody seems to care. I'm so ashamed that my mental state is like this, I don't want to be a burden either I hate that. I'll probably have to go to the ER somehow if I don't feel better.

Sometimes I wish I had a life coach to help me..But those probably don't exist nor could I afford one. I'm just at a loss. The only way out seems for me to just not hurt anymore.

Well contact that psychiatrist and tell him you are in dire straights. Does HE know you binge and purge, cut, and are suicidal? He had you on meds but If I got it correctly, you stopped them? I'm sure if you could find acceptable meds, not too terrible, its clearly not enough -- you need a therapist who is either a shrink or is working with a shrink. I don't understand the family situation. They know nothing of this distress? Remind me again, do they know you are HIV+?Since you are suicidal every other time you check in here its clear something has to give. You must feel terrible. If you announce you are suicidal to any other these people - case worker, therapist, shrink, treating md? - what happens? You could get better help if you could manage to advocate for yourself but it doesn't seem like you can manage that. Plus your family - you've excluded them from the list of possible caregivers? OR they excluded you? I think if you announce you are suicidal you can check into the hospital... Start talking to health professionals... Wouldn't that be a good thing?

Logged

“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

He knows I've had depressed episodes in the past & that I've cut but not recently. You don't know what it's like. Nobody seems to..I took some Xanax & I feel a little better but I'm still feeling really sad & angry. I'm going to try & be strong & hope I can come out of this.

I'm scared if I tell people I'm suicidal they'll try & commit me & put me in a closed room I don't think I could stand that I'm just scared of what they'd do to me.

I'm on meds but I am still suicidal, & I was recently manic when I ran out of them but this is the worst depression I've ever had. My family doesn't really know how bad things are they suspect I have problems they don't know I'm poz, nor that I have bipolar. I guess they just think I'm really moody or unpredictable.

Problem is I don't trust anyone to help me. Like at all. I've been doubke crossed & bullshitted by so many people I have yet to have anyone tell me I matter or that I can depend on anyone & I have to keep strong I just have to because there's people that are looking to double cross you at the drop of a hat.

If I am depressed again tomorrow I will try & drag myself to the ER the xanax does help the depression a bit but I'm still very pissed off & I am scaredif I go to hospital they'll lock me away.

It's just exhausting & I feel alone in this but I'll try & manage somehow..

Robby, I really do not think you will be locked in a room or mistreated in any way if you seek help . You have significant problems so you may want to consider it may be best if you do get some inpatient care at a facility that can concentrate on you with the goal getting you back stable again .

Robby Im not going to tell you to ask your family to help you but I am curious why you can't ask them. Did they double cross you? About friends, acquaintances, colleagues, etc, yes, people can be shitty, its true. But one of the things we all have to do is find ways so that people's shitty acts don't destroy us. Personally, I am a realist verging on a cautious optimist. I know many people do some shitty things sometimes, to others. But that's life. And people can also be very nice and generous. As for professionals - same thing. I would say I've had a few doctors who really patched me up when I needed it, but listen here - I asked them to and I let them do it. Since you are not letting your family step in, its really going to be up to health/medical professionals. And you can't hide your current distress because they need to know, in order to apply their expertise to the entire situation. Really, its their job. Its your right to be treated entirely.... I suppose I can empathise only, I never feared being committed and I understand you really fear being "locked up".

Since you say you trust your psychiatrist, why don't you tell him everything, how you are suffering, what your are doing to yourself, and also discuss with him your fear of being "locked up". The only way forward is forward. If you are angry, express your anger a cogently as possible. Seems you have a right to be angry that you feel like you have fallen through the cracks. But there are also some "cracks" in your perception of things so somehow you need to trust someone who can have a cool outside overview.

I suppose if someone tells the police or health care workers he is suicidal, he will get screened for mental health and yes I do think a suicidal person can be put on a forced watch but I don't think its all that long and anyway, its the rational thing to happen, because it might prevent a suicide. And this gives a moment to hook up the person to necessary support to ease the crisis.

« Last Edit: April 17, 2014, 09:51:01 PM by mecch »

Logged

“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

you wont be locked in a room. it is not jail, it is not a padded room. it is a treatment facility, to provide needed care. it is what you need. and if its against your will, it will only last three days, 72 hours. you can do that robby. i know you can. if you check yourself in, you can check yourself out. you are free to leave if you refuse medical treatment. but please don't do that. let them help you. your fears are much worse than the reality is. you need treatment, we can only give moral support. you are in a position where only medical professionals can help you resolve this now. please give them the chance, and every bit of honest and open information they can use. you don't have to hide anything, to keep anything from them. nothing will be used against you

you've said many times here you don't have any friends. i'm your friend robby. i hope you feel the same way. we're here for you buddy, but we can only do so much. we'll still be here for you when you get out. every step man. i've gone through it. so many of your posts do echo with me.

i do know what its like. even the cutting, the scars up my arm remind me when i look at myself. the first ones, hesitant, cautious. the lasts one. deep, ripping angry scars, that still sting in the sun or when i'm dehydrated. i can't hide them, if i wear short sleeves, they are there for the world to see. its obvious what they are. i've been baker acted, i've committed violent acts in a blind rage, i've been in jail, and prison. i have been in solitary confinement. my manic episodes, were dangerous to myself, to anyone near me, to the world i wanted to burn down. there is a vicious monster in me, it is a wounded animal backed into a corner, slashing out at anything that moves near. but it took a long time to understand i am not the monster. your experience is individual, but please don't think you're alone. others have been in the same terrifying place you are now.

i want you to get through this. i want you to reach the day where life feels good again. i know when that happens, the job will naturally fall into place. and so many things, will just get in line. be willing to do what it takes to reach that place.

I managed to get out of bed today. I'm still feeling sad, but I haven't cut myself since the other day. I wanted to yesterday but I didn't. I'm more numb today. My relative who I live with noticed my pierced ears & made a usual degrading remark, "why did you have to pierce your ears, haven't you disgraced us enough"? So that really hurt my feelings & I lashed out & slammed my door but at this point I'm used to being treated this way. I'm trapped, I'm lucky to have a roof over my head, but I don't think I can stand being around these people any more, but they are all I have until I can become self sufficient if that ever happens.

I have no self esteem left I'm always told, "your beard is so ugly", "you look scary with that beard", or "why would you wear a tie with a denim jacket, you don't know how to dress", or "why aren't you married, are you queer"?

I'm sick of it but like I said nowhere else to go. I'm just used to it & pissed off & numb to it all. And I hate being around people, I get very panicky and think everyones judging me & looking at me..

I think about suicide constantly except when I'm up or manic or whatever you want to call it, and then I'm out sleeping with pretty much anyone. Which I hate myself for.

I just want to be self sufficient on my own & live my own life but it doesn't look like it will ever happen. I can't get a job. I'm sick of having to live to other people's standards I am my own person & I am gay & I don't WANT a woman or children hell I don't even want a man I just want to be self sufficient & on my own & do what I want without constantly being berated & put down I can't take it anymore.

I did get a call from the therapist at my clinic today asking to meet with me so I guess my case worker gave her my number. She sounded nice enough I guess. I just have to get the courage up to call her back.

I'm scared I don't want to look back only forward I just want to be normal. I'm scared. People have really done me wrong in past & I don't trust anyone. Ever since my aunt died I don't know what to believe or who to trust she was my rock. I feel like if I disappeared nobody would care & that's the truth but I beginning to be ok with that. I hope these meds kick in because I don't want to feel anything I just want to either be self sufficient & on my own or not at all.

Im glad to see you posting again today.Please call back the therapist and try to write down how yoi are feeling.it might help you with going forward.You got up today, signed on here , thats a good sign and have all of us supporting you.

I guess the meds are kicking in I've had a somewhat better couple of days. The deep depression has subsied a bit, I had 2 or 3 pretty intense rages today but that's not unusual for me & they pass pretty quick. Going to try & take this day by day. I'm on a low dose anti psychotic to see how I do with it. My psychiatrisy came through for me giving me some supplies & wrote me a note for my primary care doc so from now on she can write my meds he prescribes since she is under my insurance plan & agreed to do that. My psychiatrist is continuing to give me xanax as I seem to do well with it. I secretly ditched Paxil way back because it didn't do crap for me except make me I'll.

I'm going to see how I do day by day & hope I can somehow find a job that isn't total crap so I can begin to build a life for myself, but I won't be optimistic ntil it actually happens.

I'm just going to try & remain strong at all costs in the meantime I must do that.

i'm glad you feel better right now, and have had a good day. hang onto this moment, if you begin to despair, remember that you CAN feel good. the highs and lows of bipolar, sometimes the highs can feel so good, the sun seems shine so much brighter. but its lurking man, don't lie to yourself. you are going to have to deal with this in life. in one sentence you say the meds are kicking in, you feel better. in the same breath you secretly quit paxil because it didn't do anything for you. what gives robby? you're feeling better, that means its working. you stopped taking them. this wont last, the cycle will continue.

NO robby, don't ditch the depression meds. paxil takes time for maximum onset. you're only just starting to feel it, don't give up now. its not a narcotic like effect, it doesn't happen in 45 minutes of absorption. it takes weeks, it builds its levels in the system until it reaches therapeutic effectiveness. paxil didn't make you ill robby, not in any way shape or form. don't give up just because its not a panacea magic bullet

take your xanax, it is immediately effective for the anxiety, and thats needed. but lets be honest, the high is nice too isn't it, so you didn't secretly stop that did you? i hear it in you man. you are going to have to face that monster in the mirror. you're just napping out your troubles, sleeping them away. they are still there.

you need to do a serious reality check on yourself robby. some hard tough love. self love if thats what it needs. or be willing to listen to someone that tells you some things that are going to hurt to hear. you're not well, and not able to see this whole thing clearly.

bottom line. and you need to believe someone that is saying this. its not just me robby, look back through the posts at what all of us are saying.

you were bipolar long before you were positive. that is a serious risk factor with atripla. a simple honest exploration of an ARV med change in this instance would almost certainly help with alot of your mental state. it will get you to a point where you see all this more clearly, and have more control. whether or not you can understand it, or believe it, or admit it. sustiva is dangerous for us. honest therapy, counseling and proper medication. take your damn paxil meds robby, just shut up and take them. don't stop. give them the time they need to help you. it really can turn around man

you need to get through this acute episode, and cycle center balance. put together a management plan, and follow it.

edited to ask.. you mention anti psychotic, may i pry and ask if it is seroquel? that is a wonderful med, if so, please give it a chance. that is the one that really helped me reconnect. i'm so appreciative of it.

and your last sentence. that is the best thing i've read from you in a long time. hold that man. remain strong. fight to get through this. you words. at all costs

@zach I'm trying to hold on day to day as best I can. What you describe is exactly how I feel my higs are really high & amazing but my lows are the darkest ever. Like I took the Paxil for a few days & I felt so sick & nauseous on it I just had to stop it. Does that get better? I mean it seemed to me that any medication that makes you feel that sick to the point that your feverish & bedridden isn't worth it but I hear ssri's take awhile to kick in so maybe that's why, but that's the worst side effects I've eeer had & I tend to tolerate most medications well.

Xanax is a lifesaver it has literally saved my life up to now and helped my anxiety so much. I just take it as needed, maybe 2-3 times a week & it really works well for me. I honestly don't see myself taking Paxil again, but I'll definitely stay with Xanax.

My doc & I talked about Atripla & depression she said if I feel depressed again really bad we will ditch the Atripla for something else but I told her for now I want to stay with Atripla a bit longer.

If I do cange ARV meds I'll probably try Isentress my doc told me it's very good as far as no mental side effects.

To your last question..As far as the anti-psychotic meds the one I'm currently taking is Latuda it's a newer one. I am on 20mg & working up to a higher dose. I had tried Abilify but it didn't work for me. I did take Seroquel a few months ago & I loved it other than the drowsiness. In fact I may end up asking my psychiatrist if I can try it again if Latuda doesn't work but so far Latuda seems to help my depression. Not sure if it helps mania though.

I'm going to remain strong that's all I can do & take this day by day.

My doc & I talked about Atripla & depression she said if I feel depressed again really bad we will ditch the Atripla for something else but I told her for now I want to stay with Atripla a bit longer.

Did you tell her you were suicidal? Obviously not or she would have taken you off this medication immediately. I don't understand why you are so insistent on staying on a medication that you are the picture image of a patient that should not be on this medication according to the drug company insert warnings for this mediation:

ATRIPLA may cause the following additional serious side effects:Serious psychiatric problems. Severe depression, strange thoughts, or angry behavior have been reported by a small number of patients. Some patients have had thoughts of suicide, and a few have actually committed suicide. These problems may occur more often in patients who have had mental illness.

Frankly you are being negligent as a patient for withholding this information from your prescribing physician.

I'm being negligent? You don't know me or what I've been going through I told my doctor I was depressed. Don't presume to pass judgment on me you don't know me at all or what I am dealing with in my life. I have told my doctors everything I could. I guess you don't know what it's like to be really up for a long time then be so down you want to kill yourself. I posted here in good faith & I get more judgment & negativity you need to check yourself before you call someone negligent I have made progress in my life I have been clean for 5 years & trying to day by day live with this damn bipolar & make a life for myself. It's really easy isn't it to criticize someone unless you've been there.

You need to be off atripla. Depression or suicide, at this point the doctor should take you off. You need to tell your doctors EVERYTHING that is going on. You dance around questions here, protecting your coping mechanisms which are not working. You withhold information from your caregivers. Even without you saying "i'm suicidal" this doc should switch your meds because you are bipolar. I am guessing you didn't tell the doc you are suicidal, anyway. Say it. Get a med switch. If you can't get a med switch, you need a new doctor. You are playing games with life and death here. I guess it sounds like judgement, but what people here are giving is an outside perspective, one you are unable to see, Its not judging your character. I realise you take things very personally and are easily hurt, but you are protecting yourself from caregivers giving you the appropriate care. Its frustrating to watch, because you create more suffering and distress for yourself by "protecting"...

You need to be off Atripla and your caregiver needs to know that you are manic, depressive, have an eating disorder, are cutting, and probably have a sort of body dysmorphia. Over time you have made this clear with brave honesty in this forum. Now its time to tell your caregivers who have a lot of power to make things go better for you.

« Last Edit: April 21, 2014, 12:52:40 PM by mecch »

Logged

“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

this is that hard love i mentioned in an earlier post, it hurts. you're starting to feel some of it now.

not giving the doctors all the information they need. only everything you could tell them. thats the dancing around questions mecch mentions, coping mechanisms, self defense. we know what that is robby. we know code words when we hear it. we've ALL been there, that is why we're HERE. no one is judging you. but what do you really want? this thread is a broken record, only you can break that skip. you keep writing the same thing, wallowing in your emotions. we keep writing long gentle posts to try the soft approach to convince you. all the responses are banging the same drum, why can't you hear the beat?!?

now for the brutal one. xanax hasn't saved your life. its the drug that keeps you high. you're willing and quick to give up the meds that do help you. and then lie to your doctor about your adherence. thats reckless at its highest. but you keep on eating those xanax don't you. they are great aren't they. you haven't cleaned up. you've just stopped abusing illegal substances, congrats for that, it shows you do have inner strength. but now you're hiding behind a script coattail.

I'm being negligent? You don't know me or what I've been going through I told my doctor I was depressed. Don't presume to pass judgment on me you don't know me at all or what I am dealing with in my life. I have told my doctors everything I could. I guess you don't know what it's like to be really up for a long time then be so down you want to kill yourself. I posted here in good faith & I get more judgment & negativity you need to check yourself before you call someone negligent I have made progress in my life I have been clean for 5 years & trying to day by day live with this damn bipolar & make a life for myself. It's really easy isn't it to criticize someone unless you've been there.

Hello Robby,

Nobody is passing judgment on you. Instead, many of us see parts of our lives, reflected in your challenges. As we began to share your issues and offer our experiences, we could have turned away from you, because at first look, you seem to be someone who likes to complain, but who is unwilling to do much to make your own life better. Yet, we did not turn away from you, because so many of us see parts of ourselves within you and we know, from experience, there are ways to better our lives.

You are not the first person here, to face insurmountable obstacles and be unwilling to admit that you may be part of the problem. We have all been where you are. Maybe not the same issues, but living the same type of life that is not the way we wish to live. The difference, however, is that most of us were able to accept the opinions and guidance of others, to find ways to better our lives and to overcome those issues that were important to us.

I wish there was more I could do for you. I know we all share that view, because if we did not, we would leave you to your own misery. But here we are, pleading for you to be more open with your medical providers, because our experience has shown us that there are many ways to approach such issues. When we suggest ideas, it is because we know there are answers to some of your issues, however, you refuse to admit that some ideas may have merit.

As I said Robby, nobody here is judging you. While our suggestions might give you pause, none of it is offered with anything more than a desire to help you, overcome some of the same issues that many of us have overcome. No judgment here, only unlimited compassion and caring for one of our own.

I hear your points. Like I've said earlier it's very hard for me to trust people but I am working on it. My primary doc is seeing me back in a couple weeks so I will bring up the Atripla thing with her then. The jury's still out on this Latuda, it's an atypical anti-psychotic, & a new one. My psychiatrist gave me a months supply of it & I am being totally adherent to it. I ONLY take Xanax as needed for anxiety which is only 2-3 times a week if that.

And NO I am NOT "hiding behind a script" nor am I eating Xanax, that's a very mean thing to say & totally inaccurate. I have been clean from cocaine for 5 years this June & I am proud of myself for that. Even at my most depressed I've never once been tempted to use again.

I am taking a big step in the next few days I am calling to make an appointment with my new therapist.

I heard what some of you are saying I'm just in a very fragile state of mind now. Thanks Joe for the kind words & sentiments. I am trying to listen.

I will keep you posted on what happens. I am following my psychiatrist's dosages exactly right now & just going with it.

I still have a ton of anger & confusion but I am trying to stay strong & deal with it.

My primary doc is seeing me back in a couple weeks so I will bring up the Atripla thing with her then....I am taking a big step in the next few days I am calling to make an appointment with my new therapist.

Why are you waiting a couple of weeks. And does the primary doc know you are cutting, suicidal, binging and purging? Please try to answer this question. If she knows, she will change your Atripla immediately.

When you call your new therapist tomorrow, tell the therapist that you are feeling suicidal every week, that you are cutting yourself, binging and purging, that you are suffering a lot, and that you would also like a change in your COUNTERINDICATED HIV medicine and can the therapist talk to the doctor to get this done quickly. Will you do that?

Please stop beating around the bush with these people.

Print out this thread and email it to the therapist, perhaps. And good luck and be brave.

Logged

“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

I'm doing so-so. Not great but better than I was I suppose. I went on another job interview today, it seemed to go reasonably well. I'm not sure I will be able to handle the actual job, if I ge an offer, it seemed a bit overwhelming, but a job's a job I suppose. I've been wrong before but it semed like the people who interviewed me seemed interested.

Later in the day I was called a "queer" again, but that's par for the course I'm used to be called that at this point. It almost doesn't even hurt anymore I just block it out.

I am not nor will I ever be a jeans and t-shirt person I like to wear shirts ties or bow ties & khakis with fedoras it's just my own style I suppose. So if that makes me queer I guess so be it. I've been called so many names in my life because of my clothes, my style, but like I said I'm used to i.t. Actually if a day went by where I wasn't called a quer or faggot I'd be shocked. I think on some level maybe I deserve that name calling & I have pretty much blocked it out because I'm so used to it. But I am trying to stay focues on finding a job & getting away.

But you haven't answered the question several of us have asked. Does your doctor and or your therapist know that you are suicidal, cutting, binging and purging?

On another note, I am sorry you get insulted everyday. Where do you live, if you mind me asking? Sounds like a hostile location, for sure. What do you mean you deserve the name calling? Nonsense, of course not. People can be jerks. Try not to let them take your energy.

Logged

“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

My doctor knows I've been suicidal in the past. My psychiatrist knows too not sure he knows of the extent of it thogh. Frankly I'm ashamed to tell people about that. It's hard I know I should but well you don't know how it is unlless you've been there, I feel such shame about it.

As far as the binging & purging noone knows because I've only become aware of it recently myself.I don't live in some remote area I live in a red state but in a fairly progressive city within my state.

Problem is, due to my issues of not finding a job & my major insecurities I haven't gone on more interviews because I tell msyelf what's the point I'm worthless & will mess up so I just don't bother..So I'm stuck with family. It's not all bad but I want to get better so I can leave.

I am told nearly every day that I am a failure & that I am queer or a faggot or "youd better get married or people will whisper & talk".

Today was a typical day I got into an argument at home & was called "long-nose", "queer", & worthless in the span of a few minutes. Then later I was apologized to, until a few hours later when I will be called names again.

I don't like living this way. But I have nowhere else to go until I can get a job & be on my own. I am also told constantly, "if you don't get a wife I won't leave any of my stuff to you because I don't like queers".I get this everyday almost & have for years. But I am also told I am loved 50% of the time. I am angry, confused, have zero self worth & zero confidence.

I haven't yet met my new therapist she called me & left a message to introduce herself I haven't been able to reach her since but I'll keep trying.

My mood has been so-so, a little down but not suicidal. I'm trying to stay strong no matter what.

By all means learn to protect yourself from your hostile family. You don't need to tell them all your challenges.Yes of course you might feel shame. Yes of course society shames mental illness. But you still have to lay it all out to the therapist and I think the HIV doc or generalist, as well. A therapist is trained to take it all in and come up with ways to treat the mental illness. A therapist has heard every thing under the sun, every kind of mental illness imaginable, and is NOT going to shame you. You may feel shame, but the therapist will work with that, with anything, to treat the illness. That's the profession. You need to lay it on the line with care givers... The mental illnesses you have are not uncommon and the therapist and doctors will be very professional and knowledgeable. They need to know, to treat.

Logged

“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

As far as the binging & purging noone knows because I've only become aware of it recently myself.I don't live in some remote area I live in a red state but in a fairly progressive city within my state.

Can you clarify that statement a bit? How did you not know you were purging? Or are you just now accepting and owning it?

I was always aware of it but I always told myself it wasn't an issue so I continue doing it but I know it isn't normal. And I tend to do it so often that I know I have a problem with it. Look, I'm a mess, to be honest. And just trying to hold it together. I struggle with all this the bipolar my moods & being constantly ridiculed at home. I don't go in public because I'm ashamed I have no job & that something is wrong with me.

I'm taking this day by day. I feel really dirty & I feel like I want to purge my entire body because I feel so dirty.

Do you know when your head feels like it's going to explode. That's how I often feel. Just overwhelmed but I am trying to stay strong.

Robby, I mean this in the most meaningful way possible; your self loathing is so intense that I seriously doubt we can assist you much more. You have to start addressing these issues. I doubt you can accomplish this without the assistance of trained professionals.

I started to address specific aspects of your delicate issues and then it dawned me that this would be a piece meal approach. Treating symptoms of a greater problem only treats the symptoms and leaves the underlying problem unaddressed.

We truly care, or we wouldn't take the time to reach out to you.

best wishes and hoping your heed some of the great advice you've been given.

Thanks for the comments. I'll post again when I have an update. I called the new therapist lady again & left a message since she still hasn't returned my calls. Hopefully this new one will help me. The last one I had was rather blase & never called in between visits to check on me. Nor did heever ask me to all him if I needed anything.

My social worker case worker at my clinic is also well aware of my issues & has helped me on other thins bt again she never once has ever offered for me to call her if I needed someone to talk to or offered to call me..Granted she's not a therapist, but one would think my social worker would want to check up on me now & then. But she never does.

And my last therapist, I saw him for a couple months. He wasn't a bad guy. He always listened to me. But he never gave me any advice or reached out to me. He never once offered to call me to check on me or asked me to call him if I needed to talk..Do therapists just not do that?

Anyways, my primary doc said she thought I'd like my new therapist. I've called her twice leaving messages t try & meet with her but no response. I'll keep trying.

Anyways, like I said this whole thing is REALLY hard the only way I can explain it is that sometimes I feel my head is going to explode. I am staying strong though or trying to.

I'll post again in future when I have something new to report. Thanks again.

I was always aware of it but I always told myself it wasn't an issue so I continue doing it but I know it isn't normal. And I tend to do it so often that I know I have a problem with it. Look, I'm a mess, to be honest. And just trying to hold it together. I struggle with all this the bipolar my moods & being constantly ridiculed at home. I don't go in public because I'm ashamed I have no job & that something is wrong with me.

I'm taking this day by day. I feel really dirty & I feel like I want to purge my entire body because I feel so dirty.

Do you know when your head feels like it's going to explode. That's how I often feel. Just overwhelmed but I am trying to stay strong.

Hey Robby,

I am going to ask you to do something for me and that is to stop using words that do not accurately reflect what you are experiencing. When you say that purging is not normal, I would ask that you say that purging is not healthy, because normal is just too broad of a term and besides, normal as compared to what?

You say you are ashamed because you don't have a job, but there is no shame, in this economy, with having a hard time finding a job. The shame would be if you DID NOT try to find a job, but you do, so rather than being ashamed, you might say you are frustrated or discouraged, but not ashamed for doing what millions of other Americans are doing as well. There is nothing wrong with anyone trying to find a job, especially when jobs are in such short supply.

Lastly, I know you feel overwhelmed, but just plodding on, is not a sign of strength, rather it is a sign of being resolved to your fate. A true sign of strength is to know when we are unable to handle our own issues and we turn to others for help. It is realizing that there is no shame in asking for help as there are some things that we are simply unable to handle ourselves. Real strength involves being honest with ourselves and being determined to change our lives, by enlisting the help of those who can help us. It means being honest in how you see yourself and being brutally honest when dealing with health professionals.

Robby, your thought process is not clear, nor working as it should and that does not make you "not normal", it makes you sick. You are ill Robby, which has nothing to do with being "normal." I want you to stop your pity party and start doing things to help yourself. Stop waiting to see your doctors and when you do, TELL THEM THE TRUTH about what is happening. If you remain so concerned about how you think the world sees you, nothing will ever change.

The only thing that matters here, is getting you well. What others think of you, does not matter, because they do not know you and you are not thinking clearly right now. Please work with your doctors, one step at a time, because it can get better and it will, if you stop feeling so sorry for yourself and start taking some action. I know this works, as I have been where you are. I know how it can feel, but feelings are not always reality.

The reality is you do not like how you feel, so do something about it. Please do something about it now.

Therapists generally do not call and check on patients. But a patient can call a therapist anytime and especially in a crisis. Patients don't generally call their therapists at anytime, however, out of courtesy, and because they can save it for the scheduled session. But certainly in a crisis.

I don't know about social workers.

I haven't seen clearly that you have laid it all out for any of these caregivers. Reading between the various inconsistent things you say, I'm guessing nobody really knows the the crisis you are in. A week or two ago you were suicidal and everyone recommended you needed professional care.

A lot about what you just posted today, seems to be saying that you feel that caregivers are not supporting you. Definitely family is not. If you are unemployed, you aren't getting any positive energy and feedback from colleagues.

The message that I get is that you feel alone and nobody cares what happens to you and nobody is following through for you.

It does seem like you could really benefit from positive, caring energy coming your way, and a fair amount of regular contact at this moment, contact that is not negative and stressful - like job interviews, and time with your hot/cold bewildering family.

Which is why the possibility of entering a clinic sounds like a good fit.

I really don't know the options for in-patient treatment. But you have been pretty honest with us about the crisis. Really heavy cycling in mood. Binging and purging. Cutting. And Suicidal thoughts. In my ignorance, I am imagining that if a caregiver is aware of all this, you could get more structured and constant treatment Very fast.

It seems to me that you are holding on to the job search and the idea of a job - that working is going to be your saviour - but you are mixing issues, in my opinion.

Your mental health must be addressed before a job is going to happen AND be sustainable. Thats just my gut call, completely unprofessional because I am not at all in mental health. I am just responding to the feelings I am getting in your posts.

I know you don't want structured inpatient treatment. OK But at the very least, you simply must lay it all out there, to the caregivers who are presently involved, and to the new therapist. No holding back.... You gotta do that because its a way that you can live with less pain soon, and eventually manage all these mental health challenges.

« Last Edit: April 25, 2014, 04:25:34 PM by mecch »

Logged

“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Meech I am going to try & focus on getting better I realize I have been in total crisis & I am going to try & keep my goals simple & take small steps to getting my life together. The last few days I've been feeling a bit better, I've had a couple minor outbursts & racing thoughts but no full mania and I am not currently depressed either. I haven't cut myself for a couple of weeks I thought about it briefly but the thought passed a I didn't feel at all tempted to do it. I know I need ongoing major help but I'm just unsure how to go aout getting it. I have so much rage & anger & I don't know why. I think your idea of inpatient treatment might work for me I'm also open to outpatient but if I had someone to help check up on me a feel like they cared, just that would really help. But I don't have that. And my family doesn't know I have HIV or am bipolar. I feel I have to hide it.

I have another appointment with my GP next week. I'm going to tell him all of this. I haven't ever told anyone not evem my psychiatrist every thing but I know I need to or I won't get better.

My psychiatrist was nice enough to write a script note for me to give to my GP so he can write my meds for me since he is on my insurance (and that way I can get my meds & hopefully not have to worry about running out again).

I still don't feel great physically I feel like the meds are giving me some side effects I'll mention that to my GP..Not sure if he will tweak my meds or not but we'll see.

In the last few days I've realized something major about myself..I know that at least for the forseable future, when I do end up getting a job, it will need to be something with minimal human interaction. My anxiety is so severe & my self doubt so strong in unfamilar situations & around unfamiliar people that those types of jobs would cause me to be in really scary territory. So I'll have to find something where I can ease myself back into the work force, with little social interaction and few high pressure situations.

I hope I'll be able to find such a job, without being a damn janitor, but first things first I have to work throug my immense mental issues first. I am trying. Will keep you posted. Hopefully will be seeing the therapist soon.

And I've also realized a lot about myself regarding what types of jobs would & would not be a good fit for me when I do get well..Ive realized that due to my anxiety and total discomfort in high intensity high pressure situations with lots of people, I need to not waste my time applying for customer service and retail jobs..at least ones that involve lots of people.

My anxiety tends to be unpredictable & I've found that I like to work at a measured, steady pace, where I can pace myself & not feel constantly bombarded. But my main problem is feeling judged by people, & worrying I'll screw up, so when the day comes that I look for employment when I get well, hopefully soon, I want to ease into the work force and focus on jobs where I can get used to working again & not having to worry about my anxiety getting the better of me or having some irate person ruin my day..

Not sure what types of attainable jobs are out there that don't require having to deal with people constantly or that are lower pressure, but I hope my therapist can help me with this when it comes to that when I get better.

I know I need ongoing major help but I'm just unsure how to go aout getting it.

Well your two posts, sounds like you are in better spirits. Thats good to hear. About the quote above. You don't know how it will be accomplished. We don't know how. Its the therapists and doctors who have to figure out how to help you. How to get the help? You have to ask for it and tell them what the issues are. Put the basic major challenges on a small piece of paper as a little list. Just show it to each doctor and ask for help. So: bipolar out of control mood swings, suicidal thoughts, cutting, binging and purging, anger, social anxiety, and also feeling that people are judging you, and particularly about your body.But those are my words. Make your own list and keep it simple and direct and please show it to the next doctor you see. You are still hedging a bit, saying you don't know how, or next time, next time, or the crisis is less for the moment, etc etc. I wish you all the luck in the world. And check in here more often please. Cause we all care what happens at least I do and some others too. I want you to feel less pain and frustration everyday and find more good energy coming into your soul.

« Last Edit: April 29, 2014, 03:32:44 PM by mecch »

Logged

“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Consider this. One of the worst critics is yourself. Most people in the world are not judging you. Health workers want to improve your health, bottom line. This includes mental health. Leaving aside you family - who do put you down. But thats something you'll have to solve in therapy, find a new approach. Eventually of course, get independent when it is possible.

Logged

“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Meech & Jeff thanks for your advice I appreciate it. I am trying to take it slow & day by day so I don't get overwhelmed. I have actually (awhile back) signed up with the vocational rehab office in my town. They do help people with various disabilities, problem is, when it comes to actual placement in a tangible job, they haven't helped much. Part of that is me, I've been way too messed up to hold a job anyway the last few months..I did entertain the idea of going to barber or cosmetology school (which voc rehab would have paid for) but after thinking it over & touring a couple, I kind of doubt I'd be happy in that type of job, where there's constant scrutiny & interaction with people.

I consider myself reasonably bright, I'd be ok with a library job or fiing, or mailroom job to start, problem is those jobs are few & far between. I don't have much to offer on paper either. There is a local flower shop here that I'd love to work at & learn the busines & let some of my creative juices flow, but haven't had the courage to check it out yet.

I def don't want to do manual labor, or customer service. I'm not sure what type of job is for me..with not much work history. Maybe my therapist can help me with this. But I have to get mentally better first before I can think about getting independent.

Good news is I haven't hurt myself lately. I have been trying to focus on wanting to get better & stay strong.

I literally take things day by day. The last few have been so-so & I haven't been manic in awhile & I am not depressed right now.

I will keep you all posted on how it goes with my GP & my new therapist when I finally get to meet her.