Monday, August 08, 2005

Hair Today, Blonde Tranny Tomorrow

Will someone please explain what in the HELL is going on in these pictures? Apparently, Pamela Anderson had a Comedy Central Roast, and thankfully, photographers were on the red carpet capturing what can only be described as celebrity roadkill. But why try to explain what only pictures can convey?

Here's Pammy Anderson doing her best impersonation of Tom Hulce in Amadeus... or was that Dominique and Eugene.*

*Where he played a retarded man.

"OK, Anna, more on the gums, get that static electricity going, and a littttle less on the functioning human being. Now more guuums.... lessss functioning human being... and perfect!"

Sigh, Anna Nicole delivering as always... by popping a squat and no doubt shitting out a frontal lobe or two.

But what's this?? It's Charo, challenging Anna to a Pop-a-Squat-a-thon! Charo is Portuguese for "Dung that is of the Blackest Night." My money's on this clown.

Anna Nicole shoots Charo her best competitive glare, as the field mouse locked up in her cranial cavity gives birth to a litter.

She's ready for Charo! Hamstrings firmly in squatting mode, Anna bends, pushes and squirms... and what's this... something is emerging! No... it couldn't be? Is it?!?!? Ladies and gentlemen, from the anal cavity of Anna Nicole Smith, I present to you:

Dennis Rodman. More like "Dapper Dan" Rodman.

Excuse me while I take a grapefruit spoon to my eyesockets.

Marissa Jarot Winokur points out the reason she's not a bulemic... her pinkie finger's too small to reach back there!

I'd like to end this post with a quote from the esteemed Anna Nicole, when asked by FHM Magazine "What was the kinkiest sex you've ever had?": "A ghost would crawl up my leg and have sex with me at an apartment a long time ago in Texas...I was freaked out about it, but then I was like, Well, you know what? He's never hurt me and he just gave me some amazing sex, so I have no problem."