Friday, July 31, 2009

What the fuck! Why does my damn head hurt so bad? Fuck, that's right, too much tequila.

I awoke to a throbbing headache and I felt like the sun peeking through the blinds was burning my skin. My whole body ached and I felt like I could vomit at any moment. Exactly how much tequila did I have last night? Why did I think it was a good idea?

I was having a difficult time recalling the events from last night. The later part of the night was just a blur. The last thing I really remember was seeing Rose with her hands all over Edward's chest. Just the thought of it still made me nauseous. I didn't understand any of what happened between those two. I couldn't be mad at Rose. She had no idea of what was between Edward and I. She was just being her typical self. I could, however, be mad with Edward. He should've known better. I had no choice other than to show up with Emmett. He made a conscious decision to do those things with Rose.

Edward was thoroughly confusing me. One day he doesn't like Rose. The next day he's with me. Then the next day he's letting Rose have her way with him. How in the hell can I not be confused? His words were not matching his actions.

I needed to move on. I could not interrupt my life for a man that has no clue what he wants. I don't even know anything about him, really. I don't know his birthday, his shoe size, how he likes his steak cooked. Fuck! I damn sure don't know if he has a girlfriend. That should've been one of my first questions but it seemed Edward and I skipped the questions and answers session. We went from strangers to sex in no time.

I rolled over to see that Em had already woken up and was out of bed. I noticed a note on the night stand that said he had gone to the gym and would be back soon. Guess he didn't have as much alcohol as me.

I made my way to the kitchen to get some aspirin and water. At least the aspirin could fix my headache. The confusion would only be cleared with time and conversations that I didn't want to have.

I decided to go back to bed. I needed to escape the pain in my head and my heart.

***********************

It's been over a week since the notorious 'club' incident. In my mind I had moved past it. I made the decision not to dwell on someone who could push me aside so easily.

I had gone against everything I had prided myself on in my life for one night with this man and then karma slapped me in the face for it. I was no longer the honest person I had always been. I was thankful that Em trusts me so much. He wouldn't go behind me to ask my friends if we were really together that night. He never had any reason not to believe me. That was, until now.

My mind had been tainted after my night with Edward. So many things would trigger my thoughts of him. One slight touch would remind me of his soft hands. One scent of a passing stranger would take me back to that night. He was everywhere and it took a great amount of strength to block it out.

I was back at work and concentrating on my patients. My patients need me. He doesn't, clearly.

I haven't heard from him since that night. I wasn't sure if that night was his way of ending things with me or if something else was going on in his life. I'm sure he had other things going on in his life. He probably was still getting things situated after the move.

After finishing the rounds, I made my way back to the nurses station to finish up some chart documentation. As I was finishing up, I felt my phone vibrate. What does Em want now?

I flipped open my phone to see that it was a message from Edward. What.....what does he want? I hesitated for a few seconds before I opened the message. I had no idea what he would have to say. Would he apologize? Would he tell me to fuck off? So many reasons he could be contacting me.

B, I'm sorry. E

Well that's fucking vague. It's not gonna be that easy. I need specifics. I need you to say the words.

I'm not sure what you're talking about. Sorry for what? B

I sent the message and sat back in my chair. Feeling a little smug. He had hurt me after I had taken such a risk for him and I wouldn't let him get off the hook so easily.

I'm sorry for how I behaved at the club. I'm sorry I haven't contacted you for so long. Can you forgive me? E

Wow, maybe he really was sorry. Maybe I overreacted. Can I forgive him?

I didn't respond immediately. I needed to think about this for a minute. If I forgive him what's going to happen? Will we go back and sneak around? Could we continue to be out in public and act like nothing ever happened? He and I would definitely have to sit down for a long talk.

I accept your apology but I don't know if I can forgive you just yet. I was really hurt. I think we need to talk. B

That was good right? I couldn't give in just yet.

Okay. I'll take what I can get. When can I see you? I miss you. E

I miss you too. I just can't tell you.

I have to work until 7 tonight. Wanna meet me before I go home? B

There will be no sex tonight. Just talking. You need to see that you can't always get what you want.

Yes! 7:30 same place as last time? EIf you wanna spend that much money for a little conversation, be my guest. We would have to keep meeting in hotels. We couldn't go and sit for coffee. I know someone would recognize one of us and then it would get back to Em.

That's fine. See you then. B

Thanks Bella. You won't regret it. E

I already regret it.

The rest of the day passed by relatively quick. As much as I tried to fight it, the thought of seeing Edward tonight was exciting me.

Seven o'clock came around and I clocked out. On my way to the parking deck to get my car, I texted Em to let him know I had to work late. He never questioned my working late. He knew that we were understaffed at the hospital and he sure as hell enjoyed the overtime pay afterwards.

I drove to the hotel. It wasn't far from work. I pulled around to the back of the hotel and noticed that Edward's car was already there. Maybe he's eager too.

I parked behind him and gave myself a quick look in the mirror. Today he would see me as average Bella. No fancy clothes or fixed hair and make up. Today I had on plain blue scrubs, my hair was in a ponytail and my make up was minimal. He's never seen me like this before.

I felt like I was in charge of this meeting. I wasn't going to let him take charge and have his way. He was the one that fucked up and he was the one that now had a debt to pay.

I exited my car and walked up to his drivers' side door. He opened the door just as I reached it. I shot him a look of annoyance. He didn't need to know I was excited. He needed to believe that I was taking time out of my life to meet him when he didn't deserve it.

“Hey Bella.” He said as he exited his car and shut the door. He opened his arms to me and leaned into me for a hug. I quickly pushed his arms away and shook my head at him.

“Oh.... uh..... I'm sorry.” He said with a look of confusion. “Let's get upstairs so we can talk in private.”

“Okay.” I said as we started the walk to the back door of the hotel.

We reached the door and it was unlocked again. “So, are you fucking the desk clerk or do you own the hotel? How is this door always unlocked for you?” I said sarcastically. I was not being the nice Bella he had come to know. I was being bitch Bella that wasn't taking his shit today.

His face really looked like he was thoroughly confused. “Well don't fucking beat around the bush or anything. No I'm not fucking the desk clerk. She keeps my card on file for us and I call her when I'm coming and she unlocks the door.”

Well aren't you Mr. Big Time?

“Oh okay.” I replied as the elevator opened to let us on. We both got on and he didn't try to touch me again. I guess I had broke his confidence by refusing his hug.

We didn't say anything else until we reached the room and entered. He had, again, gotten the suite. I was really gonna have to figure out where he was getting all this money from.

I didn't even go to the bedroom. That would have been too easy for him to assume we would be having sex. I automatically sat down on the chair in the living room. I crossed my arms and legs and looked at him expectantly.

He sat down on the couch as close to me as he could get. He looked really anxious. I saw him open and close his mouth a couple times without actually saying anything. Ha ha. That's what you get. That's how I felt.

“Are you going to actually say something? Or did we come here to stare at each other?” I asked him.

“Damn, why are you being so mean?”

“This isn't me being mean, Edward. Being mean would be to have your best friend right here with his hands all over me. That would be mean, Edward.”

“Oh! I see what's going on. This is how it's gonna be between us?” He asked.

I maintained a straight face and said “Yes, Edward. This is how it's gonna be.”

“Okay. Bella, I'm sorry. Really. I know that I hurt you. I wasn't trying to hurt you though.” He explained.

He stopped and looked at me. Why are you stopping now? Continue. I nodded my head to him for him to continue.

“I didn't want to dance with Rosalie. She drug me out to the dance floor. I didn't want to insult her and tell her no. I wasn't even enjoying myself. When you and Emmett came out there, I was so jealous. You let him grab your tits right in front of me. That was mean Bella.”

“I only let Em do that because you and Rose were all up on each other. I couldn't take it.”

“We were not all up on each other, Bella. We were just dancing. Then I figured you were better off without me so I let Rose touch me more than I should have. I thought I was doing what was best for you. I didn't know I was hurting you and making things worse.” He said as he looked at his hands in his lap and shook his head.

“Well it looked like there was more to it than just dancing. So, I'm sorry I let Em do that in front of you. Why are you trying to make decisions for me? You didn't think to ask me what I wanted before deciding what's best for me?”

“Bella, I'm sorry that things got out of hand. I'm sorry that I was making decisions about your life with out asking you. It was just a big misunderstanding.”

“I guess it was. We just should've talked about some things first. There's things I need to know about you and we need to set some rules for being in public together.” I said as I reached over to touch his knee.

“I think so too.” he said as he took my hand in his. “First rule, no making out with Em in front of me. I can't watch that.”

“Okay. I think I can manage to keep him at bay. Rule for you, no heavy flirting or heavy touching other girls in front me. It makes me want to vomit.”

He chuckled. “Fair enough. Just remember that I will have to talk to women or else people are gonna start to wonder what's wrong with me.”

I looked at him skeptically. “Deal. Now I have a question for you.” He nodded his head. “Do you have a girlfriend? Kids? I just need to know how much wrong I am doing.”

“No, that's understandable. I would've asked you the same questions but I already knew the answers. I had an unfair advantage. No and No.” He said confidently. I felt a small bit of relief from his answers.

“That makes me feel a little better.”

“I'm glad.” he said as he got up to close the small distance between us. He opened his arms again, asking for another hug. I stood up and entered his arms. He closed them around me and hugged me tightly.

I had to admit that it felt really nice to have him hold me again, to feel his touch. He lightly kissed the top of my head as he held me against his chest.

“I like seeing you in your scrubs. It's kind of hot.” He whispered in my ear. I felt his warm sweet breath on my ear and it made me shudder slightly. I took a deep breath and inhaled his delicious scent.

“Don't even try it Edward.”

“Try what, Bella?”

“Try to seduce me. It's not going to work.” I said as I pulled myself out of his embrace.

I couldn't deny him. I had missed his lips just as much as he missed mine, if not more.

I felt that wonderful jolt of electricity as his lips met mine. After a few moments I felt his tongue slide against my lips. I opened my mouth to him and felt his tongue begin to dance with mine. Pull away. Pull away. Fuck! I can't.

I knew then that I could not control my desire for him and there was no use in fighting it. There was a force beyond my control that was bringing us together.

He finally pulled out of our kiss. His eyes were still closed and he leaned his forehead against mine. “Damn Bella. I've missed you so much. I'm sorry I acted like an idiot.”

“Ditto.” I replied.

He grabbed my hands and led me into the bedroom. I followed behind him hesitantly. When we reached the bed he turned around and released my hands. He looked deep into my eyes and brought his hands up to my neck. He lightly massaged my neck for a few moments and then moved down my arms. He then grabbed the hem of my top and slowly began to lift it over my head. He then ran his fingertips lightly down the front of my chest and over my breasts.

He then bent down and took of my sneakers before reaching up to the elastic at the top of my pants. He slid a few fingers in between the elastic and my skin and he slowly pulled them down and off of me. He ran his hands up my legs and over my butt. He lightly kissed my stomach before standing up. He spun me around and laid me down on the bed.

He stood back up and slowly began to undress for me. His body looked so amazing. He really looked like he had stepped out a Roman museum. I would never tire of watching his naked body.

Once he was completely naked, I met his eyes and reached out my hands for him. “Come here, Edward. I need to feel you now.”

He simply smiled and crawled on the bed in between my legs. I could feel the heat emanating from his body. He bent down over me and captured my lips with his again. I could feel his erection pressing against my wet slit. I wanted him to enter me so badly. I couldn't wait anymore.

I grabbed his butt and pushed his hips into me. I finally got what I wanted, when I felt his erection slid inside of me. It filled me completely and I felt like I was whole.

He continued to thrust into me as we kissed with our eyes open. I couldn't bring myself to close my eyes. I wanted to watch him.

I knew it wouldn't take long for my orgasm to overtake me. I was so easily excited by him that having an orgasm didn't take much time or effort.

“Edward.... you feel so good.....inside of me.”

“Bella...... you are......amazing.”

I felt my whole body warm and felt the surge build inside of me. My orgasm quickly over took me and I shouted “Edward......Edward......Oh My God....... Shit!” I rode out my glorious orgasm and it seemed to make me forget every bad thought I had towards him.

“Damn Bella, I'm not gonna last much longer.” He said as he continued his thrusts.

“Come for me baby.”

After that, he increased his speed and soon he his body was shaking, he was grunting into my hair. He laid on top of me for a few moments before he kissed my lips again. He rolled over on to his side and stroked my cheek gently.

I didn't know where we would go from here. I knew that if we continued our relationship like this, that I would be incapable of ending it. I had truly gotten myself in over my head. And I loved it.

Thursday, July 30, 2009

BGP- Why are we always meeting in hotels when you have a whole house to yourself?

Edward and I have upgraded our daily conversations to instant messaging over the past few months. Our texting had gotten totally out of control. It became quicker and easier to instant message each other on our phones. We couldn't actually talk on the phone for fear of other people hearing. Our conversations aren't always G rated and were definitely not work appropriate.

We have gotten to the point where we talk to each other every day for one reason or another. Sometimes, it's just to say 'hi' and other times it's to figure out if we can meet.

He has become such a part of my life that I'm not sure I can be without him now. It seems odd to say that I have two totally different and great relationships with two different men at the same time. I have days where I feel really bad for cheating on Em and I can't even attempt to rationalize it. I just know that, at this point in my life, I need both of them. I know it's selfish but it's the truth. I know that I am confused and that it's not fair to either of them and I've wrecked my brain trying to make a choice and I just can't. There's a small part of me that wishes Em would meet someone new and just leave me. That way I wouldn't have to be the bad guy.

EMGD- What are you talking about? I thought you liked the hotels? You know I'm not big on having guests at my house.

I'm a guest now? You've been fucking the shit out of me for the past damn near four months and now I'm a guest?

BGP- I do like the hotels but that has to get expensive. Wouldn't it just be easier to do it at your house?

He is so weird sometimes. I don't understand why a single man would continue to pay for hotels when he could just have me come to his house and save some money. I understand that we are limited in our choices of meeting locations but I know those hotels aren't cheap. The man never chooses the cheap hotels, it's always the four and five star hotels.

EMGD- It would be easier but I always felt like hotels were neutral places and you would feel comfortable.

I'm comfortable anywhere Em doesn't know about. It's weird that Edward hasn't invited Em over to his house yet. I really figured he would have by now but it seems that Edward would rather come to our house and hang out. Weird tendencies.

BGP- I was just trying to look out for you. I feel like you are spending so much money on hotels that are unnecessary. Are you scared for me to k now where you live? You should know you can trust me by now. You're not hiding national secrets in your house are you?

EMGD-Funny Bella. If I was worried about the money, I would've said something already. I'm not scared for you to know where I live and I know I can trust you. Do you want to come over that bad?

BGP- Yes! I do! I wanna see where you are everyday. I wanna see what your bedroom looks like.

EMGD- We are supposed to meet tonight. Do you wanna come to my house instead?

What? Wow! He really invited me over. I didn't think this day would ever come.

BGP- YES!!!! The same time we were gonna meet at hotel?

EMGD-Yes, I'll see you then. Have a good rest of the day.

Fuck! I still have three hours to work.

I had already told Em that I was working a few extra hours tonight. I had gotten a pay raise not long after Edward and I started regularly seeing each other; which meant that Em hadn't noticed the difference in my pay because it was basically the same as before.

I finished my rounds and the rest of the three long hours at work. Just as I was getting to my car in the lot, my phone alerted me to a new IM.

EMGD- Here's the directions to my house. 285 North to South Atlanta Road exit. Take a left off of exit. Take a right at the 2nd light. 1st street on right, 2nd street on left and 4th house on left. I can't wait to see you. Be safe.

Such good timing. It's like he read my mind.

BGP- Thank you. Me too. See you soon.

I began the short drive to his house. I am always paranoid when I'm on the way to meet him. I'm always thinking of the worst things possible. What if my car breaks down or I get a flat tire? What if I pass Em on the road? What if Em has an emergency and needs me? Somehow, none of those things have ever happened.

There was one time when we thought we had been caught. We were getting ready to leave the hotel and I was looking out the window to make sure no one we knew was out there. I saw a truck in the lot that looked just like one of Em's friends' trucks. I was so paranoid that I made Edward sit in that hotel with me for an hour until I saw the person come out and get in that truck. Thankfully, it wasn't the guy I was thinking of but I was really scared. I knew then that we couldn't stay in hotels forever. No one knows where he lives and it would be easier for us to meet there.

EMGD- Are you almost here? I'll open the garage for you to park in.

BGP- I'm turning into the neighborhood now.

Sure enough, when I pulled into the driveway the garage door was open and my pulse raced with the sight of Edward standing at the door connecting to the house. His house is huge! Damn, this is a nice house. The garage was on the back side of the house. The house was a beautiful three level, Craftsman style home. The chimney was made of stone. It looked like it belonged in the mountains, not in the city.

The effect he has on me hasn't dulled one bit. Every time I saw him was like the first time. I've become addicted to that feeling. It was like a drug to me. If I haven't seen him for a few days, I start to feel almost empty.

I pulled into the garage and he hit the button to shut it behind me. He walked over to my car and opened it for me.

“Bella! I didn't ever think you would get here.” He exclaimed as he held out his arms to me.

“I came straight here, crazy.” I replied as I entered his arms and hugged him tightly.

“Mmmm. This is where you always need to be.” He whispered into my ear.

“I agree.” I said as I pulled out of the hug and looked up into his eyes and pulled myself up to his mouth. I needed to feel his lips pressed against mine. I instantly relaxed when I felt his moist lips.

He lifted his head and said “Now, that's a proper greeting.”

“I know, right? So, give me a tour of the castle.”

“Okay. Follow me.” He stated as he began to walk back into the house. I followed behind him and was stunned by the beauty of this house. I expected it to be nice but not this nice.

He took me through the house one room at a time. We started on the first floor, then went to the backyard and deck. We made our way through the second floor and then he ended it there. He acted like the third floor ,that I could clearly see the steps to, didn't exist. He simply turned around and started to walk down the steps to the first floor. Of course, this makes me even more curious as to what is on the third floor but he clearly didn't want to tell me.

“Edward” he turned to look at me. “What about up there?” I said as I pointed towards the ascending stairs.

“Umm” he said as he turned to walk back down the stairs. “There's nothing up there yet. I haven't furnished it yet. So, there's nothing to see.”

I followed him down the stairs but I was at a loss of words. How can I ask to go up there without sounding like a nosy bitch? If he doesn't want me to see it, he just doesn't. What's up there? The man has lived here for a while now and the rest of the house is beautifully decorated and completely furnished. He expects me to believe he just stopped with the third floor? He's probably manufacturing drugs up there or something. Maybe that's where all his money is coming from? Maybe he's making counterfeit money? Maybe that's where his girlfriend keeps her stuff? Fuck! I need to chill out and just enjoy being here. This is probably the reason he didn't ask me over before.

Edward and I sat on the couch in the living room and watched TV for a little while. It's nice to be with him in his own personal space. He laid his head in my lap and I ran my fingers through his silky hair. It's not often that we get time to just be together and I decided to take advantage of it. I still haven't found out exactly what happened the night his parents died. I didn't want to bring it up during our times together because I wanted those times to be fun and loving not depressing.

I've been pressing my luck all day with my requests and questions so why stop now?

“Edward.”

“Hmm?”

“I wanna ask you about something but if you don't want to talk about it, just say so. Okay?”

“Okay.” He replied as he sat up on the couch. I became nervous as he looked straight into my eyes. “Shoot.”

“Well.... I.... was just wondering if you would tell me about the night your parents died? No one in your family ever talks about it.”

He sat quiet for a few moments and looked down at his hands. He was deciding whether or not he was going to tell me. I didn't want to pressure him into telling me. I just wanted to know these things about him. I wanted him to share all his stories with me. I wanted to know everything that made him the man that he is today.

“Well, it was the night I graduated from high school. My parents drove separately from me since I had to be there early. After the ceremony was over I met them in the bleachers for pictures and congratulations from the family. There was a big party that I wanted to go to but they wanted to take me to dinner first. I gave in and agreed to dinner. They wanted to take me somewhere nice. We decided on Justin's in Atlanta. I was in such a rush to get dinner over with and get to the stupid party, that I drove like a mad man to get there. We were almost to the exit and I could see Dad struggling to keep up with me. Then I heard screeching tires behind me and I looked in my rear view mirror to see my parents' car flying through the air.” He hesitated to continue. I could see his eyes getting glassy and I knew it was hard for him to finish the story.

“I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have asked you. I should've waited for you to tell me when you were ready. I'm an idiot.” I stated as I shook my head.

“Bella, you're not an idiot. I didn't think you ever wanted to know about this. I can finish.” He took a deep breath and looked back down at his hands. “I saw their car flying and flipping through the air and I slammed on my brakes and stopped the car right in the middle of the interstate. Luckily, there wasn't much traffic out that night because I ran out of my car and over to my parents' car. It had finally stopped flipping and was just laying there upside down on the side of the road. I tried to call out to my parents but they never responded. I couldn't get to them to try and pull them out. The paramedics and fire department arrived shortly after the crash. They had to use the Jaws of Life to even get to my parents. I knew they were gone as soon as I saw them. The doctors said that they died on impact. I don't know if I believe them but it does make me feel better to know they didn't suffer.” I saw tears begin to fall down his face. God! I am so stupid for even bringing this up!

“Edward, it's okay.” I grabbed his hands and started rubbing soothing circles on them with my thumbs. “I'm so sorry about your parents. I'm sorry you had to go through that.”

“Bella, it was all my fault. If I hadn't been in such a fucking rush, they would still be here. I killed them. It's my fault.” He was now sobbing hard.

“You can't blame yourself, Edward. It was not your fault. Everything happens for a reason. You can't carry that guilt with you.”

He continued to sob and it broke my heart. I felt like the worst person ever for asking him to talk about it.

I hugged him while he cried. I wanted to comfort him. I wanted him to know that I was here for him. I wanted to make all his pain go away. I wanted to take the guilt from him.

After a while he released me and took a deep breath. “Bella, I didn't mean to break down like that in front of you.”

“It's fine. I'm sorry I brought it up.” I said timidly.

“No, don't be. I haven't talked about them in a while. Maybe next time I can tell you some of the good stories of them.”

I smiled knowing that he actually wanted to open up to me and that he wanted me to know about his parents. “That would be great. I'd be honored.”

“How much longer do you have before you have to go home?” He asked me.

“I have a few more hours. Why?”

He grabbed my hand and stood up from the couch. “Will you come upstairs with me?”

“Of course.” I stood up and followed behind him. He led me up the stairs and into the room he had earlier said was his bedroom.

He led me over to the bed and he laid down and patted the bed asking me to lay next to him. There was no way I could deny him anything after the break down he just had.

I laid down on the bed next to him and he pulled me against his chest and lightly kissed my lips. I was certain he was going to start undressing me but he never did. We laid there snuggled against each other , listening to our breaths, and inhaling our scents for what seemed like hours. We have never done anything like that. Our relationship has always been so sexual and I wasn't sure if we were even capable of doing something like this.

“Bella?”

“Yes.”

“Thank you.”

“What are you thanking me for?” I ruined this whole day. What would he have to thank me for?

“For just being you and being here with me. Just holding you comforts me.”

“You're welcome. I enjoyed it.”

“Me too. Are you hungry? I'm starving.”

“Yeah, actually, I am. Guess I'll grab something on the way home.”

“No. We still have some time. I'll cook you something.” He rolled off the bed and I did the same. I walked with him down the stairs and into the kitchen.

“You worked all day. Have a seat on one of the stools by the island. What would you like to eat?”

“Hmmm..... tough decision Chef Edward.” I said jokingly trying to lighten the serious mood we had created. “I love french toast and haven't had any in a while. Can you make that?”

“I most certainly can, Queen Bella.” He said as he bowed to me. I was glad he saw what I was trying to do and went with it.

He cooked the french toast and it was the best I've ever had. I was really starting to believe I had made this man up in my head. He was sensitive, caring, gentle, great in bed, amazing cook, obviously wealthy, built like a Roman God. There had to be some flaw in him that I just didn't know of yet.

By the time I was done eating, it was time for me to leave. I didn't want to leave. I wanted to stay with him all night. I wanted to see what he looked like in the morning. I wanted to wake up and look in his eyes. We were starting to journey into new territory and I didn't want to chance losing it. He was opening himself to me. We had spent a whole meeting with our clothes on. Ha had allowed me into his house. He had cooked for me. These were things that I never thought would happen. I assumed it would always just be a sexual relationship.

“I guess I have to go.” I said reluctantly as I stood at my car door.

“I guess so.” He shrugged his shoulders with a somber look on his face. “I hate to see you go. I had a great time with you today.”

“I did too.” I said as our eyes met and he bent down to capture my lips with his. It was a sweet chaste kiss. There was no tongue involved. We knew that if we involved the tongues that I wouldn't be leaving anytime soon.

“Drive safely. Let me know that you made it home, okay?” He asked as he held me face in his hands.

“I will. I always do.” I opened my door and sat down into the seat. He closed the door behind me and walked over the button to open the garage door. I blew him a kiss and put the car in reverse. He smiled and blew me one in return as I backed out.

I pulled away from his house and felt instantly saddened. I was so happy when I was with him but I always felt sad when I left.

I always feel like the worst person on the planet when I'm driving home to Em after being with Edward. I really do love him and I always feel like shit for doing this to him. I know I should just break up with him but I can't. I know he deserves someone that won't lie to him and that will treat him like the good man he is. I always worry that I am going to forget to clear out my phone or that I will slip up and say something to give me away. I don't want Em to ever know what Edward and I do. It would devastate him to know that both his girl and his cousin had been lying to him and sleeping with each other behind his back. I have to make sure that he never finds out the truth. If we eventually break up, I would have to leave out the Edward part. He would be hurt enough to know that I was cheating, it would only make it worse to know the whole truth. Just thinking about Em finding out makes my stomach hurt.

I needed to calm down and think happy thoughts about Em. He loves me and I love him and I need to remember that.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

What the fuck is touching my leg? What the hell? I awoke completely startled and having no idea what the fuck was moving up my leg. My head was under the covers, so all I could see was pure darkness. I could feel the covers touching my bare skin, since I only sleep in my boxers. I kicked my leg trying to shake off what ever the fuck it was that was touching me. When I did, I hit something hard and heard a light 'yelp'. Fucking Tanya. She's about to end this shit before it even gets started again.

“Tanya, how the fuck did you get in to my room?” I yelled as I tore the covers from my body.

She stood up looking completely shocked. Like she couldn't believe I had just fucking questioned her. I fucking said I would think about it! Not that you could do what ever the fuck you wanted to in my house.

I tried to calm down, so I didn't go completely ballistic on her. She remained standing there beside my bed looking fucking hurt and innocent in her small red camisole and boy shorts. If she hadn't ruined the great dream I had been having, her outfit may have made my dick twitch.

“Are you gonna answer me Tanya? I know I locked that fucking door. How did you get in my fucking room?” I repeated in a lower tone.

She looked down at her hands and timidly said “I just wanted surprise you this morning.”

“Tanya, you have done nothing but surprise me. You show up here out of the blue. Then you tell me you want us to get back together and now, when I'm trying to have some peace and quiet, you decide to break into my room and get in my bed. Are you even fucking thinking? You know I do not go for this type of shit.” I stated to her as I got out of bed and threw on some jogging pants. I was seriously frustrated with her behavior and she had to see it. The stunts she has pulled this weekend are not getting her anywhere close to being back in my good graces.

I walked past her and out of the door, heading down to the kitchen. I didn't hear her footsteps behind me but she would follow me if she knew what was good for her. I was in desperate need of some caffeine, soon. Otherwise, I wasn't sure of how calm I could keep myself around Tanya. I started the coffee machine and turned around to see Tanya sitting in one of the stools at the island.

She didn't say anything. She just looked at me. I'm not sure if the look she was attempting to give was supposed to be sexy or sweet but it wasn't either. It was just pissing me off. She interrupted my peaceful slumber and I was still upset about it.

“Tanya” I said and he face instantly lightened up. “How long are you planning on staying? I do have a life, you know, and I can't just stop everything for you.”

“I know you have a life. I want to be a part of your life here. I have to be back at work tomorrow, so I'm leaving tonight.”

I hate to sound like an asshole but that was the best news I've heard yet. Shit down here was getting complicated enough without having Tanya here. Before I could make a decision on my relationship with her, I needed to figure out what was going on with Bella.

“Okay. Well what did you have planned to do today?”

“Nothing. I wasn't sure what would happen with you. You are the whole reason I came down here.”

So now I have to entertain her all day. Great!

The coffee was finished and I grabbed two mugs and poured us each a cup. We sat in silence for a few minutes while we sipped our coffee. I might as well make the best out of today. I obviously can't talk to Bella today.

“I don't have any concrete plans for today. What would you think about going into the city and seeing some of the fun things Atlanta has to offer?”

“Oh Edward! That would be great!” She exclaimed with a huge smile on her face.

She and I got ready for our day in the city. We hopped into my car and made the quick drive into downtown Atlanta. I took her to see the Georgia Aquarium and the Coca-Cola Factory. After that we were pretty hungry, so I took her to eat at a place I knew she had probably never heard of. It wasn't a fancy restaurant with a long wait. I took her to The Varsity. She looked completely disgusted at first but once she actually tasted the food, she loved it.

It was getting late and I needed to get her back to my house so she could get her bags and get to the airport. We, actually, had a great time. It was almost like old times. It was almost like before I got the money. She was a totally different person back then, I missed that person.

I didn't need to drive her to the airport since she had the rental car. We said our goodbyes in the driveway. I gave her a warm hug and a chaste kiss and then she drove off.

I knew she had wanted sex. She thought if we had sex, that I would want her back. I wasn't giving into her.

Bella was on my mind. As always. I needed to talk to her. To make sure that she and I were okay. I just had no idea of what to say to her. She looked so hurt the last time I saw her. Maybe, I just needed to give her some time to cool down.

I spent the remainder of the night laying on the couch with my mind going in circles. I wanted to do something but had no idea of what to do. Did I want to get back with Tanya or let it go for good? Did I want more with Bella or could I live with just sex?

The following week, I didn't really talk to anyone. Some paperwork at the bank had gotten messed up and it was taking all of my time and concentration to correct the mistakes that had been made by my accountant in Chicago.

Tanya called, a lot. I had no time to talk to her. She didn't want anything important and I knew it. Bella never called. I assumed she was waiting for me to contact her. I felt bad for not doing it sooner but I had to take care of business.

I had put it off long enough and it was time to right my wrongs with her. I apologized and, surprisingly, she accepted. I knew I would have to make it up to her. I knew she wouldn't just let me back in easily.

We met at the hotel and I was really confused when she refused to even hug me, but I understood. We talked and got everything out in the open. We discussed things that we should have in the beginning. It felt like we were starting on a new page and I felt relieved that she knew how I felt. I was conflicted on whether or not I should tell her about Tanya. I wanted to be honest with her but I wasn't sure of what I was going to do about Tanya. Why would I tell her about someone that may not even interfere with what we have? Our situation is already difficult enough and I didn't want to complicate it further for something that was just a possibility. I would tell her the truth when the time was right.

I hadn't planned on having sex with Bella that night. I knew that our relationship was based on sex but I didn't want her to think sex was all we could have. Things between us went so smoothly that it only seemed right. I wanted to show her how I felt about her. I wanted to show her that it was all about her. That it's always about her.

The sex was amazing but, then again, it was always amazing with her. After being with her, I'm sure sex with anyone else would feel strange, almost wrong. I've only been with Bella since I moved back. I've had no need or desire for another woman.

That night ended too soon. All of my nights with her end too soon. It was time to come back to reality.

Over the next couple of months Bella and I had been seeing each other pretty regularly. We had worked out a schedule that didn't cause too much suspicion and if anyone knew about us, they didn't say anything. I liked our routine. It was comfortable. I looked forward to days I knew I would see her. We managed to see each other at least once a week and, sometimes, even two or three times if we were lucky.

The days when Bella didn't work were the hardest. We couldn't talk when she was home with Emmett because that would be too risky. I'm always jealous of Emmett on those days. He gets to spend the whole day with her doing whatever they want. He gets to wake up to her face every morning. He gets to see her smile everyday.

I always wondered about her on the days she didn't work. I hoped Emmett was being good to her and hoped she was having a good day. I wondered if she was thinking about me or looking at the same stars as I was at night. I've turned into a fucking sap, I know.

Then there was Tanya. She and I talked at least a few times a week. She began making weekend trips to Atlanta once or twice a month. Things between us were nice. They were getting back to the Tanya I liked. Her visits were a welcome escape from the mind torture that was Bella.

I was even more conflicted now. Betraying Emmett was taking it's toll on my mentally. Now, not only am I lying to Emmett but I'm lying to Bella and Tanya. Neither one of them knew about the other. I couldn't tell Tanya about Bella or she would go fucking nuts on me and ruin everything I have with Bella. I could tell Bella about Tanya but I was afraid that she would say she didn't want to be with me anymore. That she would say it was too much of a complication.

When Tanya was in town, I would take her to all of the local hot spots. We would go to dinners or sometimes we would just stay in and rent a movie. I enjoyed my time with Tanya but she wasn't Bella.

Even though I felt bad about it, I couldn't sit around and wait and hope that Bella would leave Emmett. She didn't seem any closer to making that decision than she had been when we first started this affair.

On Tanya's last trip here, we had a very big discussion. It seemed as if our relationship had began to progress. She had managed to once again be the woman I met and cared for. I wasn't sure if Bella had opened the flood gates to my heart or what but I was feeling like I could actually love Tanya. As long as she remained the nice, caring person she was before the money came.

“Edward” Tanya began as I looked over at her. “How do you feel about me? I've been really enjoying our time together and I still really miss you when you aren't around. I just want to know where I stand with you.”

“I've been enjoying our time together too. It's nice to have the old you back. I was really hurt when you wouldn't move down here with me and I was sure I would never see you again. I wasn't even sure if I could take you back after you showed up on my doorstep. After these last few months and I am really feeling like things could move forward with us. Feelings that I thought were gone are returning, little by little.”

“I didn't realize what a big mistake I was making by not moving down here with you. I'm thankful that you decided to give me another chance. How would feel about me wanting to move down here now? Is that completely out of the question?”

“No, Tanya, it's not out of the question but what about your job?”

“I would have to train my replacement but I'm sure it wouldn't take any longer than a month. Are you sure there is room for me in your life here?”

“I'm positive. Take all the time you need. I'll start getting some things moved around in the house to make room for your stuff.”

“You really mean it Edward?”

“Yes, I really mean it.” She jumped up and into my arms and repeatedly kissed my cheek.

“I can't believe it! I'm so happy! I'm gonna make you so happy. You'll see!” She exclaimed as she jumped up and down.

That was a few weeks ago and Tanya has been slowing making the move to Atlanta. Every couple of days I get a knock on the door with more boxes she had shipped to my house. I set them in one of the spare rooms until she comes down and can arrange her things exactly how she wants.

I cleared out one of the closets in the master bedroom for Tanya's clothes. I cleared off one side of the bathroom vanity for her. Making room for her in this home was oddly relaxing. It was a welcome distraction from always waiting on Bella, which seemed to be what I spent most of my time away from Tanya doing lately.

Today, of all days, Bella decides she wants to come to my house. I knew this day would come eventually but I wasn't prepared for it yet. I knew it was impossible for me to deny her anything. She has that crazy power over me. I reluctantly agreed. She and I had already arranged to meet tonight so, I just needed to call and cancel the room at the hotel.

I inspected my house before Bella came over. I needed to make sure that there wasn't any evidence that another woman had been here. I wasn't sure why I was trying to so hard to cover up the truth but I just wasn't ready to tell Bella. Technically, she didn't have any reason to be mad at me even if she did find out. I was betraying my cousin for her. Tanya isn't anything to her. Still, I wasn't ready for the possibility that Bella would end us.

I contained all evidence of Tanya's existence to the master bedroom on the third floor. I could hope Bella wouldn't ask to go up there.

Once, the house was cleared for Bella's arrival, I called Tanya. I wanted to go ahead and get it out of the way. That way there would be no interruptions during my time with Bella. I wanted us to be able to focus all of our attention on each other for the entire time I had her here.

When Bella was here, there were no thoughts of Tanya. When I felt her in my arms, it felt right. It felt like she belonged there. Did she know that? Could she feel it too?

Bella, of course, asked for the tour of the house. What had I thought she wouldn't? I gave her the tour of the first floor and the second floor and then I attempted to pretend that the third floor didn't exist. She wouldn't let me get away with it that easy though. She is too inquisitive for her own good.

I panicked in my mind when she asked what was on the third floor. I had no idea what to tell her. It was my chance to tell her the truth and I couldn't man up and do it. So, I lied and told her that it wasn't furnished and there was nothing to see. I could see in her face that she wasn't believing me but she didn't question me again. She just followed me back down the stairs. I breathed a sigh of relief.

I will tell her the truth, just not today.

We were sitting on the couch just being together and hanging out when Bella asked me about my parents. It had shocked me that she wanted to know about them. I didn't know how much Emmett had told her. Knowing him, he didn't tell her too much. He usually lets people tell their own stories.

I wanted to open up to her. I wanted her to know what had happened to my parents but I haven't talked about them in a long time. I wasn't sure I could even get through the whole story without breaking down. I have tried not to think about that night for a long time.

I manned up and told her the whole, horrid story of my parents' accident and how it was all my fault. I completely broke down in front of her, which is exactly what I didn't want to do. I felt like such a pussy. I'm a grown man sitting here crying about my parents' accident that happened years ago.

Bella didn't make me feel like any less of man. She was compassionate and caring. She listened and comforted me when I needed it. She didn't laugh at me. She let me cry while she held me. This is why I love her.

I didn't want her to think that she had ruined the day but after opening up like that, I didn't want to have sex. I wanted to be with her in a way that we had never been before. This whole day was new territory for us and I wanted to take it a step further.

As sexy as she always is to me, I resisted the urge to undress her and have my way with her in my home. I laid there with her, in the bed she assumes is my bed, and technically it is because I paid for it. We laid there and simply held each other in peace, in glorious peace.

I thought about asking her what she was thinking but I decided not to ruin this moment by asking questions that could wait.

I knew she would have to be going soon and it was late. There was no way in hell I would make her stop to get food when I was perfectly capable of making her something here. She had to be hungry by now. Fortunately for me, I was really great at homemade french toast. So, I was eager to make that for her. I knew she would love it and I was attempting to make up for not showing her the third floor.

I was sad to see her leave. I was always sad to see her leave. I hated that she had to drive home at such a late hour but there wasn't anything I could do about it. I thought about following her home to make sure she made it safely but that would be creepy.

I watched her back out of my driveway and it felt like a small piece of me left with her.

I walked back into the house and went up to my bedroom..... wait, mine and Tanya's bedroom as it would be known soon. I laid down on the bed and attempted to relax. It didn't happen. I couldn't relax when I had so much inner turmoil going on.

I know that I love Bella but I can't have all of Bella. I think I'm growing to love Tanya but she's not Bella. Bella wants me but doesn't want to leave Emmett. Tanya is leaving her comfort zone to be with me. Didn't I owe it to Tanya to give it an honest try? She was after all uprooting her entire life for this relationship. I was more confused than ever and had no idea what to do about it.

The only conclusion I could come to is that I am a greedy bastard that can't make a fucking decision and that I'm going to end up hurting everyone I care about. Yet, I'm too much of a fucking idiot to do anything to stop it. What the fuck have I really gotten myself into? I'm gonna end up with alone and stupid.

Tanya's move would be complete in a week or two. What would I do then? Would Bella want to come here all the time instead of hotels? I knew Tanya would find a job down here. She loves money but is not the type to sit around on her ass all day. Maybe I could arrange for Tanya to be gone when Bella is coming over. I could send Tanya shopping or something to occupy her time. I will have to find a way to make this work.

Monday, July 27, 2009

“Bella, I'm sorry but do you know how it feels to be in love with the same woman as your cousin? It fucking makes me sick. She's nothing to you. He's my cousin. It's a lot harder for me.”

“What the fuck does that have to do with it? You still lied to me. That's the fucking point, Edward. And you're not in love with me or you wouldn't have lied. So don't even try to pull that card.” I spat at him.

“I know that lying to you was wrong and I'm really really sorry but I'm not the only one lying to you.”

I looked at him quizzically. “What does that mean? Who are you talking about?”

“I'm talking about your precious Emmett.”

“Emmett? What is he lying to me about?” I really didn't know what he was trying to say. Quit trying to take the focus off of you.

“Is it morning already?” I mumbled as I rolled over to face Emmett. “Good morning.” I pressed my lips against his lightly.

He had a look of content on his face. “We have all day together. What do you wanna do today?” He said as he lightly rubbed my lower back.

“I haven't really thought about it. What did you have in mind?”

“I don't really know. Why don't we just go get some movies and hang out at the house?”

That actually sounded really nice. I could use a day to just sit back and chill. Maybe the movies will keep my mind busy and I won't wonder about Edward. “That sounds nice Em. We could use some alone time together. Between work and you going to school, we never get to just hang out anymore.”

We went to the video store and picked up a few movies and some snacks. We decided to get a variety of movies since we couldn't agree on a just one. We got a comedy, an action and a horror.

On our way back home, my phone alerted me to a new text message. Please don't be Edward. He knows I can't talk today.

I opened the message and saw that it was from Alice. I feel so bad. I have been neglecting my friends ever since this thing with Edward started.

Hey Bella! I miss you so much! How are you? A

Hey Ali! I miss you too! I'm good. How are you? Oh, and better yet, how is Jasper? B

They are so cute together. I hope they are still going strong. I'm sure she would've called me if something had happened.

He is great. I am great. WE are great!! I love him so much! He's the best thing that's ever happened to me. A

Aww, Alice. I'm really happy to hear that. We need to get together soon. B

I really do miss her most of all. She has always been a great friend to me. I'm really happy that she has Jasper in her life.

Definitely! I'll call you soon to set up a date. Tell Em I said Hello! Love ya! A

Love you too! B

I'm really glad to hear from her. I'm gonna have to make it a point to keep in touch with her better.

We stopped to get some wine. This way we wouldn't have to leave for the rest of the night.

“What's been going on with fellas? I haven't heard any crazy stories lately. Are they behaving?” I sarcastically asked Em as I grabbed the bag of movies to take into the house.

“Are they ever really behaving?” He said with a small chuckle.

“No. Not really. What are they all up to though?”

“Well, Laurant's baby's momma is driving him crazy as usual. I don't know how he deals with that woman. Jacob just got a new job at the airport. Oh and Edward's girl from Chicago just moved in with him. That's pretty much it.”

What the fuck? Edward's what? My fucking heart literally stopped beating when I heard him say that about Edward. I dropped the bag I was holding and loudly gasped. What the..? When did..? How did..? I fucking specifically asked him this question. He fucking lied to me! In a matter of ten seconds, my moods had shifted from happy to hurt to angry. I still didn't really understand how this man was able to affect me so much.

“Bella! Are you alright?” Emmett shouted as he ran over to me.

“Uhhh...... yeah. Yeah, I'm fine. I just thought I saw a snake over there.” I managed to spit out as I picked up the bag.

“Damn woman! Don't scare me like that.” He said as he let out a sigh of relief.

“I'm sorry, Em. Didn't mean to scare you.” Don't scare you? You have just fucked my whole day. Ugh! Fuck me! How in the fuck did I not know this?

We walked into the house and sat down on the couch. Em put in one of the movies. Honestly, I was too upset and mad and in my own world to even fucking worry about what movie he put in. There's no way I'd be paying any attention to the movie anyways. My fucking mind was racing and I knew that it wouldn't stop until I actually talked to Edward.

I am so fucking mad right now. I am mad at him. I am mad at me. I am mad that I fucking got myself in this situation. I am mad the he fucking blatantly lied to my face. Why in the hell would he lie? I live with his cousin, what could I say to him about having a girlfriend? The least he could've fucking done was be honest with me. Did I not deserve that much? I have risked everything to be with him and this is how he repays me? What the fuck was I thinking?

I sat through the movie and couldn't tell you a single thing about it. However, I managed to drink almost the whole bottle of wine by myself.

I knew that I wouldn't be able to talk to Edward until I went back to work the next day. So, I did what most people do. I drowned out my sorrows with alcohol. I was hoping that I would soon just pass out and wouldn't have to think anymore.

I felt bad for Em. Our day together was shot to hell and he had no idea why. I was a shitty fucking girlfriend but my heart was in so much pain that I couldn't even put a fake ass smile on my face. Em deserves someone better than me and I know it. When would he realize it?

*********

Ow! Fuck! My head! That bottle of wine was not a good idea.

I managed to get out of bed. I reeked of alcohol and my whole body was in pain. I needed a shower and fast. I walked into the warm spray of water and let it cover my body. The heat was slowly easing the ache in my muscles but it wasn't doing shit for my heart. I needed to get out of this house quickly. I needed to talk to him, like yesterday.

I threw on some scrubs and brushed through my hair and threw it in a ponytail. I felt like pure shit mentally and physically and I didn't give a fuck what I looked like.

Em was still asleep and I gave him a quick kiss on the cheek before I left.

Once I was in the car, I had to text Edward immediately. I knew there was no way I could function properly at work without some type of resolution. I would be of no use to the patients' in my current mind frame.

We need to fucking talk ASAP! B

I've never really cussed at him but I didn't care. He had truly fucked up this time. I was shaking as I waited for his response. I couldn't even grip the steering wheel properly.

Are you ok? What's wrong? What do you need to talk about this early in the morning? E

Fuck you and being this early in the morning. What's wrong is you're a fucking sack of shit liar! No I'm not okay.

I'm not talking to you about it over texts. You need to meet me somewhere. Now! B

Either he's playing stupid or the dumb ass really is fucking stupid.

Damn. Ok. Where? E

Starbucks by your house. B

I no longer gave a shit about being out in public. This relationship clearly wasn't going to continue if Em was telling the truth about Edward.

I called into work. I told them I had a stomach virus. Little did they know the virus' name was Edward Cullen.

My pulse was racing the entire drive to meet him. I felt so betrayed that I wanted to cry but I wouldn't let myself cry over someone that clearly didn't give a shit about me.

I pulled into the parking lot and saw Edward's car. I tried to compose myself before I went into the cafe. I didn't want to make a complete scene.

I got out of the car and went into the building. I saw him sitting at a table and walked over to him. My heart was racing. I was so angry at him and seeing his face made it even worse. I sat down at the table and stared at him intensely while I tried to control my erratic breathing.

“Bella, are you alright? You don't look well?” He said as he reached across the table for my hand

“I don't look well? Am I alright?” I said harshly as my brows furrowed and I rapidly pulled my hand away. “No, I'm not fucking alright. I heard a little story. You wanna know what that fucking story is? Huh? Do you?”

“Uhhhh, yes?” He looked very confused.

“I heard a little story from my boyfriend that that his cousin, who I have been fucking for the last four months or so, just had his girlfriend from Chicago move in with him. This girlfriend that I knew nothing about and that I specifically asked you about? How's that for a story?” His face went blank and I knew then that Em was right. I couldn't fucking believe it. I had secretly hoped Em was just making it up.

He sat quiet for a few moments. He just kept looking down at his hands. You're fucking hands don't have the majic answers.

“Bella” he started “I....I.... don't really know what to say other than I'm sorry.” As he shrugged his shoulders.

I raised my eyebrows at him in a look of shock. “Sorry? That's all you have is sorry? I've risked my whole relationship for you and I get a sorry?”

“What else can I say Bella? I am fucking sorry. I never wanted to hurt you.” He almost sounded like he was in defense mode.

“Then why did you lie to me? What did you think I was gonna say? I have a boyfriend. I couldn't be mad at you for having a girlfriend but you should have told me. Now I can't trust you at all.”

He looked into my eyes for a moment before he spoke. “I know I should've told you. I just felt like if you knew about her that you would leave. I was an idiot.”

“You're fucking right you are an idiot. If you had told me the truth, could've worked through this but you lied and now I'll never trust you again.” As I sat back in my chair and shook my head at him.

He cocked his head to the side and raised his eyebrows. “Bella, I'm sorry but do you know how it feels to be in love with the same woman as your cousin? It fucking makes me sick. She's nothing to you. He's my cousin. It's a lot harder for me.”

“What the fuck does that have to do with it?" I said roughly as I threw my hands up in the air. "You still lied to me. That's the fucking point, Edward. And you're not in love with me or you wouldn't have lied. So don't even try to pull that card.” I spat at him. I really didn't believe that he loved me. I only believe he's in love with himself.

He looked really hurt by what I had said and looked back down at his hands that were gripping his cup of coffee. “I know that lying to you was wrong and I'm really really sorry but I'm not the only one lying to you.”

I looked at him quizzically. “What does that mean? Who are you talking about?”

“I'm talking about your precious Emmett.” He said sarcastically as he looked up at me.

I was utterly confused. “Emmett? What is he lying to me about?” I really didn't know what he was trying to say. Quit trying to take the focus off of you.

“I was on your side of town the other day to run a few errands. I went into the mall to pick up a few things and I saw Emmett being way to friendly with another woman.” He sat back in his seat and crossed his arms and had a smug look on his face.

“And? He has female friends.”

“They weren't just hanging out. They were definitely more than friends.” He said confidently.

I sat silent for a few seconds. I wasn't comprehending anything anymore. Both of the men in my life are lying to me. Edward, I know for certain had lied to me. Was Em really lying to me? Was he really cheating on me and with who? Fuck my life! This shit gets worse everyday.

I furrowed my brows at him.“Quit trying to change the subject, Edward. You don't need to worry about Em. You need to worry about yourself.” As I pointed my finger at him.

“Well, he is telling all of my business. I might as well tell all of his.” He said in a nonchalant way.

“Nice fucking attitude. It's time for me to go." I grabbed my purse and keys. "I can't sit here and listen to you evade the subject all day.” I turned in my chair and started to rise out of my seat.

“Bella wait.” I turned to shoot him a frustrated look.

“What?” I said sharply.

His face looked so sad and hurt. “Don't leave like this. Please. What about us?” He quietly asked.

Are you fucking serious? Did you not hear anything I just said?

“Edward, at this point, there is no us. You lied. I'm done. End of story. Have fun with your girlfriend.” I said flatly as I rose from my seat and headed towards the exit. I pushed open the door and took one last look at Edward. He looked so hurt and sad. Almost like he was about to cry. I almost felt sorry for him. Then I remembered that he lied to me. I had never lied to him. It was time to keep walking.

I would miss him but if he couldn't at least be honest with me, then we were wasting our time.

I got in my car and pulled out of the lot. My head was spinning and I felt like crying. I wanted to cry for all the lies I had told. Cry for all the lies I had been told. Cry for the person I thought I was and the person I would never be again.

I got in my car and I drove around the city for the longest time. I didn't want to go home. I didn't want to look at pictures of Em. Every time I even thought about Em, I got sick to my stomach. Thinking about him and another woman having sex made me feel like my heart was physically ripping. Before today, I didn't think Em cheating would hurt that bad. After all, I was doing the same thing.

Thinking of Edward and his girlfriend was even worse. That man had done amazing things to me and made me feel things I never thought I would feel. Now, he was doing those things to another woman.

Is Edward's girlfriend the reason I couldn't go on the third floor? What a fucking asshole.

There is no way I can confront Em about this other woman. He's gonna want to know how I know. I can't tell him the truth. I'm gonna have to fucking sit there and act normal. Like I don't fucking know anything. How the fuck can I say something to him about fucking another woman when I'm fucking his cousin? Cousin is worse than a stranger, any day.

This fucking situation gets shittier everyday. I've gotten in way fucking over my head and I have no idea how to get out of it. Other than to say fuck both of them and move on completely. I don't know if I'm strong enough for that.

I drove to a park in the city and sat on a bench for hours. I had no idea where I wanted to go. I didn't want to go home yet. I couldn't go to Edwards. I couldn't go to work. I just fucking sat there like a bump on a log. Feeling completely shitty and worthless.

Sunday, July 26, 2009

"That night when Em went to sleep I did something I thought I would never do. I went through his cell phone. I didn't want to but it's like the old saying 'curiosity killed the cat' and the curiosity was damn sure killing me.

I went through his recent calls list and there weren't any odd names in there. If he was smart he would put it under a guys name to throw me off. I wasn't going to go completely crazy on him and actually call the people in his phone. That would definitely start a whole lot of shit. I went through his text messages and, again, nothing out of the ordinary. Em was either really smart and deleted everything or he really wasn't cheating.

Did Edward plant this idea in my head just to throw me off? Did he do this just to take the focus off of him? Why would he lie about his favorite cousin? Did he think I would just up and leave Em so easily? Maybe I would have before I found out about Edward's girlfriend. Definitely, not now.

I put Em's phone back in his pants pocket where I had taken it from. I sat down on the couch and enjoyed the silence in my home. I had a lot of thinking to do. I knew I had major decisions that needed to be made."

Friday, July 17, 2009

I finally forced myself to come home. I knew I couldn't just sit there in the park and avoid Emmett and Edward forever. I couldn't wrap my mind around what Edward had said about Em. Could he really be cheating? He says he's in school everyday, I wonder if that's the truth. I felt like I was on an episode of Cheaters. Like I would come home and find Em and some woman having sex in my house.

Em hadn't acted any differently lately towards me. Was I just too wrapped up in my situation with Edward to see what was really going on with him? Had I neglected him that badly? The more I thought about it, the more I felt like a piece of shit.

I should've just fucking ended it with Emmett when I started the affair with Edward. I fucking knew better than to do this shit to someone. Karma was really paying me back for what I had done. He doesn't even know what I did to him but the universe does and it's laughing in my face right now.

I love Em and I should be fair to him. I should just tell him that I met someone else and that I don't think we should be together anymore. I had no intention of ever telling him who it was that I had met. It was unnecessary for him to know that two of the biggest people in his life had gotten together and fucked him over.

I walked into the house and went into the bathroom for a long hot bath. I really needed to relax after my mind had been overloaded with information and accusations lately. Em wasn't home yet. He wouldn't be home for about another hour. Thank God I have a little time to chill before he gets here.

I removed my clothes and threw them in the hamper next to the bathroom door. I felt the cool tile against the bottoms of my feet. I started the water and adjusted it to the right temperature. I added some bath salts as the water filled the tub. I turned the lights off and lit some candles around the tub. I climbed in the warm water and tried to let me body relax and let me mind escape this shit hole of a reality called my life.

Somehow, I managed to fall asleep in the water. I awoke when I heard the front door close. The water temperature had dropped due to the amount of time I had spent in there. I was stepping out of the tub and drying off when I saw Em open the door to the bathroom.

“Hey baby, what are you doing home?” He asked with a surprised look on his face.

“I do live here Em.” I said flatly.

“I know that. I just meant that I thought you had to work today?” He said defensively.

“I wasn't feeling well. So, I left early.” I said as I wrapped the towel around me and stepped around him and into the bedroom.

He followed behind me. “Oh, I'm sorry. Anything I can do to make you feel better?”

“Nah, not really. Thanks though. How was your day? How was class?” I sincerely asked him. I did truly want to know about his classes but I also wanted to see what he would say. I have to start paying more attention to what he says so I can see if he's really cheating.

Em told me about his classes and what they had been learning. He was, of course, using all these big mechanic words that sounded like a foreign language to me. I guess that's how he feels when I start with all the medical terminology. I was very proud of him for going back to school but I was also questioning if he was at school for the entire amount of time that he claimed. Maybe I was being fucking paranoid but hell I was lying to him all the time and he had no clue.

I had to learn to chill out or I was going to make myself crazy.

That night when Em went to sleep I did something I thought I would never do. I went through his cell phone. I didn't want to but it's like the old saying 'curiosity killed the cat' and the curiosity was damn sure killing me.

I went through his recent calls list and there weren't any odd names in there. If he was smart he would put it under a guys name to throw me off. I wasn't going to go completely crazy on him and actually call the people in his phone. That would definitely start a whole lot of shit. I went through his text messages and, again, nothing out of the ordinary. Em was either really smart and deleted everything or he really wasn't cheating.

Did Edward plant this idea in my head just to throw me off? Did he do this just to take the focus off of him? Why would he lie about his favorite cousin? Did he think I would just up and leave Em so easily? Maybe I would have before I found out about Edward's girlfriend. Definitely, not now.

I put Em's phone back in his pants pocket where I had taken it from. I felt like such a hypocrite and a bitch for going through his phone when the only evidence I had was an accusation from Edward. I would never have gone through his phone before. I felt like a totally different person than I was before Edward arrived.

I sat down on the couch and enjoyed the silence in my home. I had a lot of thinking to do. I knew I had major decisions that needed to be made.

I'm not ready to be alone. I love Em but I don't think I'm in love with him anymore. Is that something we can get back? Can I fall in love with him again after I've done him so wrong?

I hoped I could fall in love with Em again and I was definitely going to try. I owed it to both of us to at least try.

The thoughts of him cheating weren't completely out of my mind but he deserved my trust. As far as I knew, Edward had made the whole damn thing up. I decided then to push my thoughts and feelings for Edward aside and concentrate on Em.

Everything that happens in the dark will eventually come to light. I know if Em is cheating, it will eventually come out. I felt lucky that what I had done in the dark hadn't come to light yet. Maybe it never would.

***********

It has been a few months since I saw Edward. I hadn't spoken to him at all since the day in the coffee shop. I had no need to focus on someone that couldn't be honest with me. I honestly felt like he had blatantly lied to my face about more than a few things.

He hadn't told me about his girlfriend. I would have dealt with him having a girlfriend if he had just told me up front. In the situation he and I were in, we needed to be able to have complete trust in one another in order for it to work. When he quit being honest, I quit the relationship.

He had totally fabricated the lie about Em cheating. I have been analyzing everything Em has done for the last few months and I never once felt like he was lying to me about anything. I even left work early one day to go and spy on Em. I wanted to make sure that Edward wasn't right. I left work and drove over to his school. I saw his car and parked far enough away that he would not notice me. I waited until he came out of the building and he was walking to his car talking with a bunch of guys. He reached his car and waved goodbye to the other men. He entered his car and then drove straight home. He thought I was working late and it would've been a perfect opportunity for him to sneak away and meet someone. He didn't though. He went home and waited on me.

After that day, I never questioned him again. I had no need to.

I was back to focusing my attention on the man that had been there for me for so long. We were spending lots of time together and doing lots of things as a couple. We went out for dinner and drinks a few times with Alice and Jasper. Who were more in love with each other every time I saw them. It was really good to see them so happy. The complimented each other well and seemed to always be in their own bubble.

I hadn't heard much from Rose. That was partly my fault. She reminded me of Edward and I didn't want to be reminded of him at all. I was being a shitty friend to her and I felt really bad about it but I couldn't bring myself to be around her when I knew she would talk about him the whole time.

Edward hadn't been over to our house at all. I assumed he was either scared of how I would react with him in my home or he was too busy with his girlfriend. I was happy that he hadn't called or visited. It made my life so much easier. His absence was confirming that I had made the right decision.

Knowing I made the right decision didn't make it any easier not to think about him. There were times at night that I would lay there trying to fall asleep and I would find myself wondering what he was doing. If he was happy, if he was still with her. Or maybe I was fooling myself into thinking I had made the right decision.

Edward POV

“Tanya, we cannot keep having this same fight everyday!” I shouted. It was the truth. This was not what I had in mind when I agreed to let her move in. She's lived here for three months and it has progressively gotten worse. I should have known that she was putting on an act when she was trying to get back together with me. I suppose I was hoping my feelings for Bella could be transferred to Tanya but that was obviously not working.

“I know that, Edward.” She said sarcastically with her hands on her hips. She was giving me an 'eat shit' look and it didn't phase me at all. “I hate it here. It's fucking hot all the time. This humidity fucks up my hair everyday and I don't have any friends here.”

“You don't have any friends here because you don't give any one a chance. You don't want to like it here. You want me to come back to Chicago with you and I told you that wasn't going to happen. You are making up bullshit excuses for not liking it here. If you wanna leave, you can leave but you will be leaving alone and I swear there will be no going back this time. So, think long and hard.” I firmly stated to her as I walked up the stairs towards the bedroom.

“Edward, don't walk away from me!” She shouted. I just threw my hand up to her and kept walking.

I heard her footsteps behind me. I reached the door to our bedroom and walked in. I laid down on the bed and ran my fingers through my hair as I stared at the ceiling. I saw her walk in front of me holding a piece of paper in her right hand and shaking it at me.

“What do you want?” I asked her.

“I know there is someone else, Edward.” She said calmly.

I honestly didn't know what she was talking about. I hadn't been with Bella, or even talked to her, in months. I wasn't really worried about her finding out about Bella, anyways. I guess I was hoping that would make her leave if she found out.

“What the fuck are you talking about? My fucking head hurts from arguing, just get to the point.” I replied roughly.

She threw the paper at me. “That's your fucking bank statement. I saw all the charges for the hotels. Why else would you being going to the hotel that often? Don't treat me like I'm stupid.”

I took the paper in my hand. Sure enough, it was my bank statement from the last few times Bella and I had been together. The funny thing is I wasn't sad that Tanya found it. I was sad because it reminded me of Bella. I missed her more than I cared to admit. I hadn't contacted her because I felt she was better off without me. I felt that if she felt she could forgive me, then she would contact me. I had already complicated her life enough.

I was, however, mad that she had obviously been going through my things. These papers didn't have her name on them and she had no right to go through my stuff.

“Where the fuck did you get this from?” I said as my brows furrowed and I stood up from the bed. I was looking her directly in the eyes.

She had a smug expression on her face. “I was looking for some other documents and happened to stumble on them.”

“That's bullshit and you know it. You want to leave and you are looking for any reason to make it my fault this time. I can't deal with this shit. It's time we went our separate ways. For good. I think you should make arrangements to move out as soon as possible. I can't stand to look at you anymore.” I said calmly as I walked out of the bedroom. I was going to sleep in one of the spare rooms. I didn't want to be anywhere near her.

I was relieved that this was over. I would no longer have to endure Tanya's daily bitching about life in Georgia. She could go back to Chicago and live happily and bother someone else.

Over the next few weeks, Tanya had began to pack up her things and start moving them to Chicago. She would be moving back in with her family until she found a new place and a new job. I felt guilty for even letting her move down here to begin with but she was dead set on it and I knew she wouldn't have stopped until she got what she wanted. She had to see for herself that it was over between us.

Things in the house were tense to say the least. We only spoke to each other when absolutely necessary. She never questioned me about who I was with in the hotels. Maybe she didn't care. Maybe she just wanted out. I didn't care if she blamed it on me this time. She could tell those people in Chicago what ever she felt like. The only person I cared about in Chicago was dead. Everyone else there could kiss my ass.

My feelings for Bella were back in full force. Now that I wasn't focusing on Tanya anymore, the repressed feelings for Bella were making themselves known. I missed her, too much. I missed her smile, her laugh, her walk, he facial expressions, her hands, her mouth, her body. I just missed her.

I was an idiot to lie to her. I was stupid to think she wouldn't understand. I would stupid to think Tanya and I would work out. I had royally fucked up everything and it was time to fix it. Or, at least, attempt to fix things with Bella. She deserved to know the truth about everything. I had to find a way to get her to listen to me. I was tired of lying and I was tired of living without her. She was my drug and I had to find a way to get her back.

I no longer knew Bella's work schedule so I had no idea when she would be able to talk to me or if she would even want to.

On a Saturday when Tanya was in Chicago, I decided to text Bella. I didn't want to call her and her be around Em. Hell, I didn't even know if her and Em were together anymore. I had completely cut off that part of my life.

Bella, it's Edward. Can we please talk? E

I pressed send. I couldn't take it back now. What would I do if she said yes? Would she believe me when I tell her everything? My heart was racing in anticipation for her reply.

My phone alerted me to a new message. I opened it and my heart skipped a beat when I saw her name.

What do we have to talk about? B

It was short but it was something. At least she didn't ignore me.

A lot, actually. Will you please meet me somewhere so I can tell you in person? Please? E

Yes, I was begging and I didn't care. I had lied to her when she had been nothing but honest to me. I could do a little begging for her.

I guess I can meet you but you are meeting me where I choose. Meet me at Johnny Rocket's at Underground in a hour. B

I couldn't believe she actually agreed to meet me. Now I had a hour to try and get my thoughts together enough to try and make her believe me.

Ok. I'll be there. Thank you. E

I took a quick shower and dressed. I got into my car and drove to Underground Atlanta. I parked the car and walked into the restaurant. The anticipation was killing me.

I didn't see her so I got us a table. I looked at my watch and I was still a few minutes early. I wondered if she was testing me. Maybe she was playing a game with me. Maybe she was trying to pay me back by making me sit and wait when she never had any intention of coming.

I finally saw her enter the restaurant and my heart fluttered at the sight of her. She was the most beautiful creature I had ever seen. I don't know how I ever let myself fuck things up with her. I stood up from the table as she walked over. Her face was very serious and straight. She didn't smile at me but, then again, why would she?

She sat down across the table from me without saying anything. Her expression never changed. I knew I had a goofy ass grin on my face but I couldn't help it. I was truly happy to see her and happy to get this all out in the open.

“Bella I.....” I began before the waitress came over and interrupted me.

“My name is Jessica, I'll be your server today. Can I get you something to drink?” She asked politely.

I looked to Bella for her to order first. She looked at the waitress and said “I'll just have a Cherry Coke, please.” It was like hearing angels sing to finally hear her voice again. Sappy, I fucking know but it was the truth.

“I'll have a Coke. Thanks.”

The waitress walked over to get our drinks and I started my sentence again. “Bella, I know lying to you was wrong and I am more sorry for it than you will ever know. I know it was stupid of me to assume that you wouldn't understand. I should have just told you. I am only human though and I make stupid decisions sometimes.” I said sincerely to her.

She sat there staring at me with a blank face for a few moments. I wasn't sure if she was actually going to speak to me today or if I was going to have to do all the talking. Was she seeing how far I would go with begging and apologizing? If so, I could go all day. She deserved it. She had said last time I saw her, that she didn't believe I loved her. She was wrong.

The waitress brought our drinks over and asked if we wanted to order any food. We politely declined. I didn't want to think about eating. My stomach was already doing flips. There was no way I could keep any solid food down.

The waitress left us to ourselves and I looked at Bella again. I was at least hoping her facial expression would change but it never did. She sipped her drink and kept her hands folded in her lap and blank eyes focused on me. I guess I am going to have to continue the speech.

“I wish I could take it all back. I would never have let her move in with me. I would have told her to stay in Chicago. I'm so sorry. I....”

She interrupted me. “What's her name?” She asked calmly, still maintaining her blank stare.

Did she really wanna know her name? What difference does it make? She's leaving.

“Tanya.” I simply stated.

“Why are you here, Edward? Why aren't you with Tanya?” She asked.

I was completely taken aback. I didn't expect her to just come out and ask me that.

“Well, uhhh....” I stuttered.

“Spit it out Edward. I don't have all day. You asked me to come here, I'm here. Tell me something worth my time.” I wasn't used to her being so expressionless. I didn't like it. I liked the animated Bella. This Bella is pretty fucking scary.

“Okay. She's leaving. She hates it here and wants to go back home. She found some old bank statements with the hotels on them. She knows there is someone else. Most importantly, I...... uhhhh.... I can't live without you.” I watched her face as I said the last part. Finally! Her facial expression changed. The blank stare was gone and her face finally lightened up. Her eyes looked slightly softer. I hoped she believed me. I wasn't just saying this to get her back.

“You what?” She said softly.

“I can't live without you.” I said confidently.

“I don't believe you.” The blank stare was back. Fuck!

“You don't believe what?” I asked her. I was confused. I thought I was making progress with her.

“I don't believe that she's leaving. I don't believe you can't live without me. I think this is all a sick game you are playing and I'm done with it. I thought you wanted to talk to me about something real but instead you are telling me more lies.” She said sternly.

She started to gather her things together. She couldn't leave already. Fuck! She can't leave like this.

Bella POV

Is he fucking serious? He interrupted my day for this bullshit? More fucking lies. I'm outta here.

“Bella wait!” He said as he reached for my arm as I stood up from the chair.

I looked at him with my death stare. “Take you hand off of me, now.” I said harshly. You're gonna fucking grab me like a caveman? I was really starting to get pissed at him. First, he continues to lie. Then, he wants to manhandle me. He was really not helping himself out at all.

He released my arm. “I'm sorry. I just don't want you to leave. I want to explain myself to you. Please stay.”

I sat back down. “Edward. You have five minutes and I'm outta here. If I feel like you are lying, I'm leaving.” I said firmly.

“Okay. I'm not playing games. She's really leaving. I promise. Ninety percent of her stuff is gone already. I never really wanted her. I wanted you but I couldn't have you. I want you now. I miss you. I love you. Please come back in my life. I need you in my life in some way. I feel more for you than I've ever felt for anyone. I want to do things with you that I've never wanted to do. Please believe me.” I said quickly and sincerely.

Seriously? I can't believe your words. You also told me that you didn't have a girlfriend and that was a lie. I don't know what to believe. I want to believe him because I still have feelings for him but I just don't want to be hurt by him again.

I looked at him with soft, open eyes. I reached out and took his hand in mine. “Edward” I said softly. “I'm sorry. I can't do this with you. I don't know what to believe. Your words don't meet much to me anymore. You don't know what you want. I don't trust you.”

I released his hand and looked at his face. His face was completely stunned and hurt. I could see he didn't expect me to say what I had said. I needed him to understand that I was serious about this. He would have to do more than just talk to make me believe him.

I stood up from the chair. “Goodbye, Edward.” I said as I walked away from him.

He had done too much damage to my heart already. I needed concrete proof that Tanya was gone before I would even consider getting back into our relationship. I had no idea if I would ever be able to trust him again. I needed to be able to trust him and I couldn't. It would be a long road to bring us back.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

The flood of emotions surprised me as I drove home. One second, I was crying. The next, I was angry and cussing. The next, I was calm. It was completely crazy.

I got back home and laid in the bed. My head was still spinning and my emotions were over flowing and there was no way I was getting anymore sleep.

I cleaned every inch of the house that morning while I waited on Em to come home. He would eventually have to come home and I couldn't wait to hear his excuses.

It was ten in the morning when I finally heard the front door open. My heart began to race. My breathing increased. I knew there was about to be a big argument and I was ready for it. He walked into the living room and he looked totally shocked to find me sitting on the couch.

Friday, July 10, 2009

“Bella. Please stay. I love you.” On his face was a look of complete love and adoration. I wanted to lightly stroke his strong jaw with the back of my hand. I wanted to feel his stubble against my fingers. I wanted to feel the warmth that was radiating from his skin. I wanted to feel him lean his face into my hand.

I lifted my hand and moved it towards his face. His face was so close that I could already feel the electricity.

BEEP BEEP BEEP!

What the fuck? Oh! Damnitt! It was just a fucking dream, again. I awoke completely pissed off. My subconscious has been betraying me ever since I said goodbye to Edward. Now, not only was the universe plotting against me, so was my mind. I have been having some variation of the same dream every night.

It was always Edward begging me to stay but the locations varied. Sometimes, we were in his house. Other times, we were in a park or restaurant. One time, it was like that movie Say Anything and Edward was standing outside of my house blaring some cheesy love song. Of course, the last one would never happen because of Em. That would be a dead give away.

These dreams were really starting to fuck with my head. When the dreams first started I would wake and feel like it had been a nightmare. I didn't want him to beg me to stay. I wanted to leave. After having the same dream every night, I started to look forward to them. I began to look forward to seeing his face. To see what he would have to say each night. Either way they were sweet dreams and beautiful nightmares. Depending on the way I felt when I woke up.

I hit the alarm clock to push it into snooze mode. I wasn't ready to get up. I wanted to go back to sleep and see Edward again, and I hated myself for it. These dreams were my guilty pleasure. It was my way of having him back without him or anyone else knowing it.

Days like this, I would wake up and feel a complete warmth encase my body. It felt like he was here with me. Fucking crazy, I know. This shit is out of control.

I rolled over in the bed attempting to bury my face from the rising sun. I could hear Em in the shower already. Now that he was going to school, there are days he has to wake earlier than me. I could hear him singing. Instead of finding it funny, like I used to, I now found it annoying and wanted him to shut up.

I've been trying to focus all of my attention on Em, ever since I ended it with Edward. I wanted to give our relationship the best possible chance to survive. However, it had not been going so well.

We were arguing a lot lately. We had basically quit doing anything as a couple. I was always working. He was either in school or studying. There was no 'us' time. We only saw each other in passing or when it was time to go to sleep. I missed him but it felt like I was missing my friend, not my partner and lover.

The thoughts of him cheating, still ventured in my head occasionally. Once that seed is planted, it's hard to forget. I still didn't have any proof or reason to think he was cheating, other than his favorite cousin saying it. I didn't do any crazy spying again or going through his phone. I wasn't going to resort to those tactics again.

Em came out of the bathroom and got dressed. I, of course, couldn't go back to sleep. I was wide awake lying in bed when he saw me.

“Good Morning, babe.” He said cheerfully.

“Good Morning. What has you so happy this morning?” I asked him.

He was brushing his hair and looking at himself in the mirror. “Nothing in particular. I just have a feeling today is going to be a good day.”

I started to rise from the bed. “Oh yeah? Why is that?” I asked inquisitively as I raised my eyebrows at him.

“We have a pretty easy day at school. Then I was going to meet Jacob and Laurant for a few beers after class. Do you have plans tonight? Wanna go to dinner with me?” He asked as he turned around and grabbed me by my waist.

“I get off at seven but I don't have any plans after work. Where do you wanna go?” I asked him.

“I'll text you at work and let you know. Okay?” He said as he lightly kissed my lips.

“Okay. Have a good day.” I said to him as he turned to leave.

I started my routine for getting ready to go to work. Nothing fancy. Shower, scrubs, hair in ponytail, little to no makeup, tennis shoes, brush teeth and out the door.

The rides to and from work especially made me miss Edward. I would think about all the days I would talk to him while I was driving. All the times we would make plans to see each other and I would look forward to it all day. The thoughts of seeing him at the end of the day would always put me in such a good mood. Now my mood, generally, sucked ass. I was short and snippy with my coworkers. I didn't do anything above and beyond for my patients. I wasn't nice to Em when I came home at night. I didn't really hang out with any of my girlfriends anymore. I was no longer fun loving Bella. I was sad Bella that just wanted to get the day over with as soon as I could.

I felt the worst for treating Em like I did. He didn't need to pay for Edward's mistakes. It wasn't fair to him. Maybe, I could start fixing that tonight.

I made it to work and I made it through the day. That was the major gist of the whole day. I would often think I was feeling my phone vibrate in my pocket and I would quickly pull it out only to see that I had imagined the whole thing. No messages or calls from anyone. I had alienated everyone in my life. No one wanted to talk to me now that I was in such a foul mood all the time. It made me sad to think of what I have become. I turned myself into a lifeless robot that simply was going through the daily motions.

I was on the way home when I realized Em never texted me to tell me where we were having dinner. That wasn't like him.

I hope you are alright. We still on for dinner? B

I didn't know if class had ran late or if he was still with the guys. I made it all the way home and still no word from Em.

I walked inside the house and looked for Em. I had thought maybe he came home and fell asleep but there was no sign of him at all. I was really getting worried about him. It wasn't like him to not call or show up, especially when we had plans.

I changed clothes and grabbed a drink from the kitchen before sitting on the couch and turning on the TV. I didn't want to blow up Em's phone with text messages but I just needed to know he was okay.

Em, I'm really worried. Please let me know you are ok. B

Sit back and wait some more. I continued to open my phone, just to make sure it was working. It was.

I eventually drifted off to sleep while I was waiting on Em to call. He never did. I woke up to find it was three in the morning. Still, no Em.

I got up and put my shoes on, grabbed my purse and phone and walked out to my car. I was going to start calling around to hospitals and jails and driving around the streets looking for him. I would never forgive myself if something bad had happened to him and I was just sleeping at home.

I knew I didn't love him like I should anymore but I was still his girlfriend and would be there if he needed me.

I called all the local hospitals as I was driving around like a mad woman. I called all of the jails. Emmett wasn't anywhere to be found. It hit me right at that moment, at three AM as I'm driving around in my pajamas looking for a man that was more of my friend than my lover, that he was cheating on me. He was with a woman somewhere and there was no use in me being out this late at night to look for someone that doesn't want to be found.

The flood of emotions surprised me as I drove home. One second, I was crying. The next, I was angry and cussing. The next, I was calm. It was completely crazy.

I got back home and laid in the bed. My head was still spinning and my emotions were over flowing and there was no way I was getting anymore sleep.

I cleaned every inch of the house that morning while I waited on Em to come home. He would eventually have to come home and I couldn't wait to hear his excuses.

It was ten in the morning when I finally heard the front door open. My heart began to race. My breathing increased. I knew there was about to be a big argument and I was ready for it. He walked into the living room and he looked totally shocked to find me sitting on the couch.

“Good Morning, Em.” I said in a sarcastic tone while I flipped through channels.

“Uhhh..... Morning, Bella. I.... uhhhh.....” He stammered trying to find a good excuse for why he had stood me up and not come home.

I looked at him with my brows raised and head cocked to the side. “You uhhhh......what, Em?” I was being a sarcastic bitch but he had done something last night that I had never done to him. I had never once stood him up. Nor had I ever stayed gone all night. In all honesty, I wasn't mad at him for cheating. After all, I had been cheating on him too. I was mad because he didn't even have the decency to call me. I had always made it a point to call him.

The look on his face was priceless. He was trying so hard to think of something to say but his brain wasn't working fast enough.

“I.... uhhhh.....” He tried again.

“Fucking hell, Em. Just spit it out already.” I said harshly to him as I got up from the couch and walked over to him. “You stood me up. You didn't answer your texts. You stayed out all night. You had me out in the middle of the night calling and looking everywhere for you. And all you can say is 'I ….. uhhhh..' come on, Em. You could've at least thought of a good lie while you were out all night.” I said as I walked past him to the kitchen.

He turned and followed behind me. “I drank too much with the guys and had to sleep at Jacobs house. I didn't wake up until about an hour ago.” He said quickly.

“You expect me to believe that Em? Come on. I know you better than that. You were too drunk at seven o'clock at night to text me back? I'm not stupid. I know you were with another woman.”

I wanted to tell him just to admit it. That he had been caught. But how can I say that to him when I had never admitted what I had done to him. I deserved what I was getting but that didn't mean it didn't hurt like hell. Yes, I was being a hypocrite but I couldn't help it.

He slammed his fists down on the kitchen counter. “Damnitt, Bella. Yes, I expect you to believe it because it's the truth. I'm sorry you were out looking for me and I'm sorry I didn't call back. I didn't mean to worry you.” He said as he ran his fingers through his hair.

I don't fucking believe you because I was doing the same thing for a long time. I know more about this cheating shit than you will ever know. That's why I don't believe you.

This fight continued on and on for almost an hour. We constantly went back and forth. He would never admit to being with another woman. I wouldn't believe him. He would stick to his story. I would tell him to give up the story already.

The fight eventually ended when he stormed out of the house again. Saying he couldn't stand to look at me anymore because I was accusing him of something he hadn't done. That all sounded well and good but there wasn't anything he could say to make me believe him.

I was hurt and sad, both at myself and at him.

I was mad at myself because I had let this turn into such a mess. We were all a big ass group of cheaters and none of us should be trusted. I was completely honest with Edward but kept a million lies from Em. Em was lying to me. Edward was lying to Em. It was a big, vicious fucked up cycle of lies.

I had no idea where Em had went to when he left. I didn't really care. This relationship was ending and I could feel it. This incident was the catalyst that finally blew it all up.

Em would always be special to me. He was my first love and my first real relationship. He was the first man I shared a home with. The problem was I wanted Em as my friend, not as my lover anymore. I just wasn't sure how to end it.

Part of me thought that he would eventually come home and one of us would decide that the other should move out. The other part of me thought that he would come home and we would act like today never happened.

I wanted him to end it but I didn't think he would. The more I thought about it, the more I felt that he liked having me at home and his little sex girl on the side. After all, I had enjoyed doing the same thing for quite some time.

My mind was all over the place and I needed to relax. I wasn't going to get anywhere by driving myself crazy. I grabbed the bottle of wine from the cabinet and a wine glass. I put on my swimsuit and went out to the pool. I grabbed my big comfy chair float and threw it in the pool.

I wasn't sure if I would be the one to have to move out but I was going to enjoy my pool as long as I could. Ridiculous and shallow, I know.

I sat there in the pool with my bottle of wine, just floating around, trying not to think too hard. It wasn't working so well, though.

I finished the whole bottle by myself and was pretty drunk when it was gone. I managed to get out of the pool without drowning. I laid down on my bed and began talking to God in my head.

What do I do Lord? You have to tell me. I've gotten myself into a bad situation that is going to hurt a lot of people and I need your help getting out. I love Em but I'm not in love with him. I love him like a brother. Edward on the other hand, I really think I'm in love with him. Why else would I be having these dreams about him every night? It's a sign, right God? Was Edward telling me the truth about only wanting me and that Tanya was leaving? Was I too stubborn to see he was being honest?

Then as I sat there in my drunken stupor, it came to me. I can't live without him. I have to fix this but how? I was hurt so badly. Can I believe him and trust him? I can't just go running back to him. He still needs to see that he was wrong.

Disclaimer

Stephenie Meyer owns any Twilight characters that may appear in this story. The remainder is my original work. Copyright 2009 by TotallyObsessed82. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without my express written authorization

Message From TotallyObsessed82

Welcome to the wonderful world of Behind Closed Doors.

Bella and Emmett are in a typical everyday relationship with everyday problems. One day Emmett's cousin, Edward, moves back to town. What happens when Bella and Edward meet?

Will they be naughty or nice?

This isn't your typical Bella and Edward. They are completely out of character. They are all human.

Avi Code

Thank You's

I want to thank my CPM/ Mentor/ GREAT FRIEND- THeSpoiltOne. I would've never made it throught this story without her. She told me to continue when I wanted to stop. She told me it was great when I said it sucked. She told me what to fix so everyone wouldn't think I was an idiot. (LoL) She's become SO much more than just a CPM and I'm so thankful that FF brought me such a great friend.... I love you!

To the TTSS girls- ShaeLove, Footroza and JennMC- Thank you guys so much for supporting my little story and for being such great friends....we are inseperable now... you know that right??

To Ji00si and JennaRosa- I love you girls....without you two I never would've had the guts to even start to write this.... I love you both more than you'll ever know...now let's go have some margaritas and talk about RPattz, okay?!

Thank you to all of the readers and reviewers that always left reviews and love and supported me.

XoXoTO82

Stories by TO82

TO 82's Smutty Obsessions

Where To Find Me

Behind Closed Doors Playlist

I'm sure some of you have wondered where I get my chapter titles from. They all come from songs. Here is the playlist with the song for each chapter. It may help you understand what I was thinking for that chapter. Hope you enjoy!!!
*The songs are in chapter order.*