My life with God, a rockstar hubster, five Brownies age 7 and under, one Brownie in the oven and a heart longing to bring home our children from Ethiopia someday, all documented with my iPhone.

Thursday, December 22, 2016

Saved By The Gas

1. Tonight our traditional Christmas Lights and Waffle House tradition started off as a fiasco. I'm fine and good with people making mistakes but bummed when they don't do the right thing to make up for it. Needless to say our Christmas Light spot and Waffle House both need to be rethought. Traditions are great and so is improving them. My child who was being the biggest stinkpot about things not shaping up the way expected was also the one who turned our bummer of an adventure back into a crazy but fun BrownTown adventure. Thankful for that kid and for the laughs tonight. So so great to laugh together as a family even when plans don't turn out. Love this crazy family I get to be apart of.

2. I thought I had lots of stares at my pregnant belly when I had three kids. Holy smokes the stares and looks now are a bit intense. Children are very much devalued in this country. Not surprising at all but it's so sad. Oh how the pill and birth control have turned hearts. It's probably an unexpected consequence and probably more of us harbor results of the unexpected heart change than we can even imagine.

3. Mulling over church and realizing being anonymous actually is quite lovely. As my heart has turned it's attention back to Hamilton, MT the thought of actually having no more excuses not to dive in fully with a church community I'm left feeling a tad bit fearful. Thanks but no thanks. I'm not sure this heart of mine can take anymore church wounding. It's been a lifetime of wounds and seeing hypocrisy. A friend commented recently that it's a testament to the Lord that I don't have a problem with Jesus when my experiences with church have been so rough. Oh the Lord and I have struggled greatly. Or rather I have wrestled much with the Lord. I'm thankful for the wrestling. God has been so gracious with me on this journey together and it's been beautiful to fully grasp that He is 100 percent on the journey with me. He will never leave me nor forsake me. So on this journey, if Hamilton is where He leads us and His desire is for us to lay down roots at Roots Community I know He will be there too.

4. I am still fascinated by the idea of churches tending towards an oligarchy as they approach 500 members. The more members the stronger the oligarchy. At least, that is the theory. I feel it holds some weight at least in my recent situation. Really there has to be systems when there is no real way to know all your people.

Besides bigger churches tending to form into oligarchies I think possibly the machine becomes more important than the individual. I definitely saw that played out in the situation with my family but even in other people's situation and in the desire to be mentored and yet there being a vacuum of people willing or able to do so. In the Parable of the Good Shepherd Jesus left the 99 to seek out the 1. I think most often church leaders view the 99 as much more important than the one. I think that is total human nature. There are only so many hours in the day and do we sacrifice the well being of the 99 for just the 1? God did but He also sacrificed the One for all. More and more I'm beginning to realize just how clouded and worldly my thinking truly is. Although in someways I do possess a biblical world view I embrace a secular view on life much more wholeheartedly. It's almost insidious too because if I hit the big overarching benchmarks then I can feel good about how I view the world. But that's just the starting point though. There is so much more than I could ever possibly imagine. I'm just a dumb kid and if I think I know enough to do things without my Father I'm a foolish and dumb kid.