and other things I like to yell about

Mommy’s Dearest

The following is part of a booklet my 8-year-old son made me for Mother’s Day, and my actual reactions to most of it. You’ll notice I corrected spelling errors. He’s only in 2nd grade, but my Lord, it drives me insane! Anyways, enjoy.

“My Mom’s name is Rachel. She is 29 years old. She has brown eyes and black hair. She was born in Ohio. She looked like this when she was a baby.”

Why yes, yes I am 29. And you’re right. I was born with only one arm, one leg, and what the doctor’s called “hella jaundice!”

“The nicest thing my mom ever did for me was that my mom made me have an awesome birthday.”

They better have been awesome. They were freakin’ expensive! When I was little we got a lopsided Betty Crocker cake with our name misspelled on it.

“I wish I could do something nice for my mom like give her chocolates to eat in bed. “

Oh honey, you do that every Halloween, Christmas, and Easter. Mmmm, Butterfinger!

“This is what I like most about my mom: Cooks, funny, fun, nice,”

I enjoy the comma after nice, like he stopped and thought, “There must be something else I like about her…she cooks! Oh no, wait…”

I was pretty lost on this picture. Kinda looks like I’m throwing a bomb at a freaky big-hand guy over a sword in the desert, maybe? But my husband tells me, “That’s you and me playing volleyball on the beach.”

“Have we ever had fun playing volleyball on the beach?”

“No, but Tommy must think when someone kicks sand and stomps off bitching, that’s she’s having fun.”

“Hmm…he must. I should just stick to cooking when he’s around.”

“Here is a picture of my mom laughing.”

Note to self: If you don’t brush your hair everyday, your children will draw you as if you don’t brush your hair everyday.

“I love my mom because she never gave up on the family even if the family hated her she would still not quit.”

WTF! Did something happen I should know about? Like, was there a meeting? Did Aunt Betty mention that she hated me over potato salad during a family bbq and everyone just kind of nodded? I mean, had I known about this, I probably would have quitted you assholes.

“I know she loves me because she does not call me names.”

Dear God, I hope he never finds this blog!

“Here is a picture of me hugging my mom.”

Well now, this is just the best damn part. I love you, boogie!

While reading this, I cried tears of joy, love and laughter. It’s not even Mother’s Day and so far it’s the best one yet. Hope all of you out there get to cry those same kind of tears this weekend. Happy Mother’s Day and thanks for stopping by!