Pages

Robin Lehner vs. Keshia Chanté

Thursday, November 14, 2013

by the Bonk's Mullet Staff

The internet is a powerful tool that allows us to do incredible things. It allows family members on opposite sides of the world to communicate instantly, it can facilitate political uprising against oppressive governments, and it can aid with disaster relief.

But the best part of the internet, by far, is its ability to publicly broadcast questionable and regrettable decision-making in real time. Today we bore witness to one of these great moments, courtesy of Keshia Chanté. Wait, who?

Exposition

If you're looking for a fast breakdown of the events, the 6th Sens, also known as Ian Mendes's home page, broke down the debate yesterday. But if you're looking to see some photoshops of us beat a dead horse, you're in the right place!

There's been an ongoing debate over the last two weeks with respect to the Ray Emery-Braden Holtby incident. NHL general managers are considering imposing a "Ray Emery rule" which would ban goalies from fighting, not to be confused with the Ottawa Police Service's "Ray Emery rule" which bans anyone named Ray Emery from driving.

Robin Lehner was asked to weigh in on the incident on Monday, and here's what he said, courtesy of SenatorsExtra.com:

“Maybe it’s not my business, but watching what happened to Holtby is disgusting. He didn’t want to (fight). He wasn’t capable of it, but (Emery) pounded him and he kept pounding him and (Holtby) didn’t want to. He got his glove off to protect himself.”

Enter the Chanté. Keshia Chanté, age 25, experienced some success as a Canadian R&B singer in the "pre-Cheechoo-Maurice Richard era." Chanté has been dating the aforementioned Ray "Rayzor" Emery for several years, so like any good Ottawa native does routinely, she decided to voice her displeasure with the Senators.

Rising Action

So it's clear that Keshia, like her boyfriend, was ready to fight an unwilling combatant. Well you know what Keshia, we've already got an R&B star in this town and there's not enough room for the both of you.

Oh snap! Yes, she did play the "Robin is a girl's name" card. Much like Emery, Keshia had come out throwing blow after blow, oblivious to the grimaces on the faces of thousands watching. Why isn't the ref jumping in and stopping this?

And then Keshia threw her haymaker, the devastating "richer than you/smarter than you/more local than you" combo, just like they teach in debate club. Strangely enough, she didn't even point to Emery's Stanley Cup win, which is probably wise in the end as it probably would have gone down something like this:

We're not sure what that is in Lehner's hand, but it's probably weaponized.

How would Lehner respond? Point to his impending RFA negotiations with the team? Describe his father's credentials as Henrik Lundqvist's goaltending guru? Show her a picture of Daniel Alfredsson's old house with the word "LEHNER" spray-painted on the front door?

Climax

Apparently not! At first it looked like Robin Lehner took the high road in the fracas, in this case by responding to Keshia directly by means not verifiable by anyone. We can only assume he apologized for any misunderstanding and reiterated how much he enjoyed her song "Table Dancer". Beef over, right? But wait - where did Keshia's tweet just go?

Just like that invincibility cheat-code button combination your older brother used to use, Robin Lehner broke out his secret weapon, the wink face. Sources say the Ottawa Senators have already announced a jersey change:

Denouement

And that, finally, seemed to be the end of it. Twitter made its jokes and moved on, bloggers looked for ways to drive those jokes into the ground, and Robin Lehner probably made himself a sandwich. The winners - all of us.

Even Keshia herself is on #TeamLehner now. Image courtesy of Kevin Lee.

It's worth noting that this was by no means the first scrap between a Senators player and a pop singer, just the first to be documented publicly and in real-time thanks to the technology of Twitter. After all, who can forget the war of words between Wade Redden and Sarah McLachlan via listserv all those years ago? Or Steve Duchesne's increasingly-contentious fax machine battle with Vanilla Ice? Or, perhaps most famously, Alexei Yashin's ongoing feud with Bjork in the pages of the Hockey News mailbag? Yashin held out from playing any of her music until the title of the song "All is Full of Love" was changed to "Carol Alt is Full of Love."

Conclusion

Like all great battles, then, let's break this one down. Here's the tale of the tape: