“I feel shameful and stupid that I sort of helped perpetuate that culture of just doing nothing,” Hannum said during a 30-minute conversation Sunday, prompted by an open letter she wrote to MSU President Lou Anna Simon. In that letter, she expressed her anger and concern that she and others were allowed to be treated by this man for so long when members of the university community might have known of wrongdoing.

Hannum, now 25 and back home living and working in the Boston area, struggles to consider herself a victim. On Sunday, she had just watched the CBS “60 Minutes” report detailing the abuse Nassar allegedly perpetrated while working for MSU and for USA Gymnastics. And she’d read about others who’d come forward, including MSU athletes.

“It’s hard to compare what I went through to what they went through,” Hannum said. “I didn’t experience some of the really traumatic things (that other athletes have reported to police)."

But if Nassar is guilty, and at this point no court has convicted him, then Hannum should be counted as one of his victims.

And, what’s troubling is that there are likely hundreds of MSU athletes — rowers, gymnasts, softball players, etc. — and perhaps thousands of patients like her.

The university has to deal with this — the masses, not just the dozens in court cases. Not just the worst cases. But every patient over every decade. Whatever they need. Even if it’s just reassurance they’re not alone in their feelings, whatever those may be.

That is, in part, why Hannum penned the letter to MSU and Simon. She wanted to advance the dialogue on sexual assault, to encourage others to be firm in what they see and to trust themselves. She also needed to address her own increasing sense of helplessness and guilt, which weighs on her daily.

“I definitely don’t want to speak for other people. But there are definitely many others like me who have expressed sort of the same confusion and heartache,” said Hannum, who graduated from MSU in 2014. “And more people have actually come forward since I published the letter and thanked me, because they didn’t know how to handle it for a long time and they felt so confused about it for such a long time.

“I think there’s a group of us that have had some really questionable experiences with him. And it makes you feel a little foolish about yourself. That weighs on you and you just kind of wonder, ‘Why didn’t I listen to my gut then?’ Or, ‘Why didn’t I see that? Why didn’t that raise a red flag for me? Am I that naive? Did he hurt my friends or teammates more than he hurt or affected me? And is it even worth me saying something because what happened to me was so much less on the scale of horror than some of the other victims’ statements about what he did to them?’”

Hannum always thought Nassar was a little off socially and insensitive in his treatments.

“We all wanted to get better. We all wanted to do our jobs and be an athlete,” she said. “And he was allowing us to do that. So certain things just got laughed off, brushed under the table. It wasn’t anything overt. Although there were a couple instances where I had teammates or friends say some pretty startling things about their appointments. But they were like, ‘Oh, but that’s just a technique.’ And so it was accepted.

“Now when I think back to certain conversations with friends and teammates, it’s clear to me something wasn’t right.”

Nassar was a renowned physician. Hannum felt privileged to be his patient. But in hindsight …

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Two more women have filed motions in an effort to join the federal lawsuit against former Michigan State University doctor Larry Nassar. If they are allowed to join the lawsuit, it would bring to 30 the total number of alleged victims who have sued the former MSU doctor.(Photo: Julia Nagy/Lansing State Journal)

“I used to have nerve pain, sciatic nerve pain,” Hannum said. “Your sciatic nerve runs from your lower back to your leg. And so I would get my gluteus taped. When I’ve had other medical professionals tape my gluteus, they have put a towel over you and push the towel down over the area they will be taping. It’s a very careful process, so you don’t feel like you’re being invaded. But often when Nassar would do it, he would just pull your pants down while you’re laying on the table and without really any warning, just manipulate your body. And you were just kind of there, it was happening, it was abrasive.”

Hannum suffered an upper-body injury during her career, which included displaced ribs.

“Obviously my breast is there, so you’re going to touch that part of the body,” Hannum said. “But he would just all of sudden go down my shirt, my bra without telling me. There was really no reason to go underneath my shirt. He could have done those treatments without invading my space like that.”

If administrators, coaches or trainers at MSU were aware of Nassar’s unseemly techniques — or, worse, if they were aware of overt abuse — that must come out in the investigation. And MSU can’t run from the findings. The best-case scenario for the university is an investigation that finds the truth, communicates it and responds to it. And, at the end of this dreadful saga, is seen as honest and credible.

Hannum understands how MSU women’s rowing coach, Matt Weise, and others around the program could have missed Nassar. Weise, she said, reached out to her as soon as he saw her letter and was “extremely supportive.”

“He’s one of the most ethical people I know,” Hannum said. “It was really reassuring to hear from him.”

Conversations about Nassar among teammates, Hannum said, were often so nonchalant in tone that they wouldn’t cause alarm.

“It wasn’t upset, scared or afraid the way we would talk about it,” she said. “So I think it would be hard for anyone in a position of power, unless you’re really paying attention, I think it would be unlikely for something like that to raise a red flag, because it was so widely accepted and nobody was reporting it in a way that was hurtful to them or upsetting to them.

“He made me feel better. So there’s a certain amount of betrayal I feel, because I trusted him so much. I just wanted to be better, and I just wanted to feel better. I feel guilty and shameful about sort of ignoring these signs so I could feel better.

“I think there are some people who might share that feeling.”

Graham Couch at gcouch@lsj.com. Follow him on Twitter @Graham_Couch.

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Here's what we know about the criminal cases, lawsuits and allegations related to sexual assault claims against former Michigan State University doctor Larry Nassar.
Matt Mencarini/Lansing State Journal