In the latest Pap Said / Celeb Said scandal, the mystical forests of Brangelina's French estate turned into a bloody battleground where one ruthless pap and the Jolie-Pitts’ head of security attacked each other with walkie-talkies and teeth. As the NY Daily News reports, freelance photographer Luc Goursolas was so determined to slip into the compound unnoticed that he spent five hours on foot, decked himself out in camouflaged clothing, only to come face-to-unhappy-face with the soccer team’s unamused top guard. As Goursolas claims:

”I was pouring blood. I threw myself at them, put blood all over them, and told them that I had HIV so they would stop hitting me...The forest belongs to everyone.”

But from the sound of it, Pitt disagreed so vehemently with this last statement that the actor underwent a Hulk-like transformation into Tyler Durden, and joined this fight club himself:The scene, reminiscent of that infamous slapstick evening when a NY pap jumped on top of Lindsay Lohan’s car and called it a hit-and-run, is similarly described in very different ways by Goursolas and Tony Webb, the guard at the center of the action. But figuring out who to believe means figuring out whether or not Pitt really morphed into our favorite rippled muscle man role in his steadily dimming archive. Despite the pap’s claim that the guards “hit him with a walkie-talkie, punched and kicked him, leaving a head wound that required three stitches,” Webb and his Chosen Two-protecting soldiers are the only ones who left a local hospital with nostalgically-termed “doctor’s notes” giving them four days off-duty. So as much as we enjoy the vision of Pitt storming out of his chateau shirtless, fists clenched, and telling the pap that “what you are doing is bad!”, doctor’s notes speak a bit louder than colorful words.