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Thursday, May 31, 2012

It's Thursday in Kenya. The end of the work week there, as June 1st is a national holiday. Thursday marks 2 weeks and 1 day from the NAC meet.

2 weeks ago KKPI had told my agency they would hear within 1-2 weeks. On Monday KKPI had told us that they were waiting on official communication and would email us 'this week' when they received it. Last night (Thursday am in Kenya), I emailed them inquiring about the news. And then I awoke every hour to check my email. Yup. Not very smart on my part.

At 4 am I finally received an email stating that they were expecting the papers today and she would forward them as soon as they arrived. 5am nothing. 6 am nothing. 7am nothing... and the work day is now over in Kenya.

Exhausted, I snoozed my alarm until 7:15, and that is when I had the worst dream ever. Our dossier was denied because of my blog. Words like 'Moral' etc, had a completely different meaning in Kenya and it wasn't a good one! Apparently, I may have swore once or twice.... Anyway, I woke with panic and fear that I need to shut this down for awhile - until I feel it's safe.

I REALLY don't want to do this. I have nothing to hide, and I believe in putting it all there to assist others. However - our adoption is most important and I don't want to jeopardize that with a misunderstanding or translation conflict. Could you imagine?!

So here's the thing. I will leave this up for a few days probably... I want you all to still follow, so please comment with your email address (I believe attached to your Google/Blogger account?) - don't worry, I won't publish your comments. Or alternatively, you can email them to thompsontreehouse at gmail dot com, so I can permit you reading access.

This may only last until we get approval, or referral, or longer. Days, weeks, months... I am not sure. BUT please don't forget that Blogger is not very smart when it comes to private blogs - and does not allow newsfeeds. So you will not get updates as I post. You will have to directly come to the blog for updates...

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

It had been a long week, and since the Dinner Fairy still had not shown up at our house (after years of waiting and waiting), we decided to treat the kids to their favorite restaurant in town - Indian food. As we sat, enjoying our butter chicken, rice and naan, I asked Dan, 'Aren't cows sacred in India?'

"Yes." He said.

"Well then what's up with the Butter Chicken?"

"Uh...", as he furrowed his brow, trying to decipher if I had lost my mind "... it's chicken, not beef!"

"Oh,... ya." duh

This is a very good example of the cognitive impairment I am suffering from. My mind feels like it is in a foggy haze.

Remember my episode in September, when I lost my ability to speak? Months of tests, and specialists to discover I am suffering from stress.

If your mind and body are constantly on edge because of excessive stress in your life, you may face serious health problems. That's because your body's "fight-or-flight reaction" — its natural alarm system — is constantly on.

When you encounter perceived threats — a large dog barks at you during your morning walk, for instance — your hypothalamus, a tiny region at the base of your brain, sets off an alarm system in your body. Through a combination of nerve and hormonal signals, this system prompts your adrenal glands, located atop your kidneys, to release a surge of hormones, including adrenaline and cortisol.

Cortisol also curbs functions that would be nonessential or detrimental in a fight-or-flight situation. It alters immune system responses and suppresses the digestive system, the reproductive system and growth processes. This complex natural alarm system also communicates with regions of your brain that control mood, motivation and fear.

I don't consider myself a sensitive person. I have a pretty high tolerance for stress and can manage very well under high stress situations. However, I have come to realize that perhaps I have been under too much stress for too long, and my cup has overflown.

Sparing you from too many details, we have a particular stressful business situation (going on for 3 yrs now), we have been caring for parents with fatal illnesses for 3 yrs, the death of Dan's Mom in December, as well as our beloved dog, without a vacation for 17 months, and on top of this - an adoption. Now, everyone has their fair share of stress just as we do... and we learn how to balance it. However, I think that in many cases, adoption causes our stress cups to overflow.

Adoption is more stressful than I ever imagined. Again, sparing you from details - as other adoptive parents will also tell you, it is indeed the most stressful thing they have endured. The ups and downs of emotions, waiting by the phones, obsessing over your email, waiting, praying, hoping, waiting, worrying, and having to work within the parameters of a system that doesn't always make sense, a system full of unknowns, speed bumps and road blocks and more waiting. It's pure torture. People like to compare it to being 'overdue'. Nope. Nothing like it. That's uncomfortable and tiring... not agonizingly stressful. Seriously, they only let you go 2 weeks overdue before they put you out of your misery. Anyone can endure that. We are talking months and years here... there is no 2 week deadline in adoption.

So what happens, is that many of us adopting parents are sleep deprived, super sensitive, emotional, and quite frankly, WE HAVE LOST OUR MINDS!

Yes, I am not alone in this! You are not alone in this! Yet, no one talks about it.

Why?

Well, would you let crazy people with a myriad of physical symptoms (surely signifying some awful, foreign, fatal disease) adopt a child?

(Obviously - the fact that I am talking about, is a testament to my state of mental health! )

We are left alone, to suffer in our misery.

Be wary about consulting your Doctor.

Don't even think about letting them tempt you with sleeping pills or anti depressants. There are some programs that will not accept anyone who has every touched an anti-depressant!!
In many instances or countries, seeking out a therapist or psychologist 'marks' you as unstable and may cause conflict with your adoption.

So we just get crazier, lose more sleep, and more of our minds.
We gain weight, break out in acne... and hardly ever have good hair days any more. We lose our keys, miss appointments and put the milk away in the pantry. We lack energy, and work hard to just make ends meet every day. The laundry piles up, the dust bunnies multiply, bills go unpaid and we are lucky to get around to shaving our legs.

We are a mess and we are tired of it.

We need Kenya right now more than it needs us. We need to decompress, exhale, and remember what life is all about again. Let's start with some positive news about our approvals shall we?

Wishing you all positive news or at the very least - some movement in the upcoming weeks.

Monday, May 28, 2012

My head is spinning with information that I will not even try to relay on here, as I don't want to get it wrong. I just purchased his book Hold on to Your Kids that will hopefully help me piece it all together.

His lecture was very interesting, entertaining, and enlightening. I highly recommend seeing him if he is in your area and picking up his book!

His work shop gave me greater insight to who I am as a person/parent, my children, and things that I could/should be doing differently.

I realize that I am a Alpha by default, being the oldest of 6 kids and having to take on a role of a co-parent and confident to my Mother when my parents divorced when I was 10. I realize that I have had to struggle with not feeling supported or looked after. Apparently, it is much easier to look after your children, when you feel like you are being looked after. IE - You need support. I realize that I have sought/found this in my partners rather than my parents, which doesn't work so well when he is in need of support from me.

I also have a better understanding of stress, cortisol, and how it is affecting my sleep and my cognitive function.. it certainly explains why I have difficulty figuring out a tip in a restaurant and making change, considering I have a major in finance and work with numbers! (which has been a huge struggle lately!) My friend and I -who is also suffering from similar side affects, (only from a concussion) were a hot mess this weekend... getting to and from the conference, lunch money and trying to retain the info. lol. Funny enough...we also both struggle with 'tip of the tongue syndrom' ... losing our words, which makes for an interesting conversation... but at least comfortable for us to sound like idiots to one another. Ha. I can laugh... because I know the end of the line is Kenya, which is just around the corner. Yes, this adoption is stressful, but it is the accumulative of some heavy business stressors, recent deaths, looking after ailing parents, etc... that eventually build up to more than one person can bare. Being in Kenya will eliminate one of our largest stressors (our current business)... which will allow more room in my over flowing cup to deal with those that remain. Dan and I both need this time in Kenya for many reasons, as I see him struggling with his overfloweth cup as well.

I learned that I could be more indulgent to Muffin's sensitivities... sympathize with her more instead of taking the 'suck it up' approach. Did you know that there is a strong correlation to sensitive (and autism - the most sensitive child) and difficult births and or c-sections? My little Muffin had a very difficult time being birthed, and she is a sensitive child - which makes her so understanding and sympathetic of others, but also means that she can get her feelings hurt more easily. I look forward to giving her more of me emotionally, physically and every other way to help shield her heart.

I realized that my little man has a difficult time expressing his emotions. He has not said "I love you", for as long as I can remember, or "I'm scared", or "I'm sad" etc.... He 'wears' these emotions... but does not speak them. I don't know why I never took notice of this, probably because he is very emotionally grounded - in the sense that he is very affectionate, loving, nurturing etc. For the past couple days, I have worked with giving him more of my self - tighter hugs, longer cuddles and I have made sure to verbalize my feelings more with him. The first night all he could give me was a "Good love"... which meant Good night/ Love you, but last night I got a "Love you to moon and back", after I said, "Love you to the moon". I thought some outer space talk may encourage him! ;) It's important to ensure that we allow our boys to show emotion, have tears, fears etc., so that is something we will be working on facilitating.

On the side of adoption, I really got a chance to understand the roots of attachment. As I have been reading about adoption and attachment for a long time, I had the tools. I understood to get eye contact, to hand to mouth feed, to play, to hold.. and to allow scenarios happen that allow the adopted child to get their tears out, but I didn't fully understand why it is so important, and how their development depends on it.

Dr. Neufeld also has DVD's, CD's etc... that you can order or perhaps borrow from your library or rent from your local movie store if reading is not your thing, as well as online courses!! I highly recommend that all parents, and even grandparents... check his stuff out! My weekend was worth every penny!

Friday, May 25, 2012

Word from KKPI (our Kenyan agency) regarding the results of the NAC (governing body in Kenya) May meeting has hit Germany. This means that KKPI will have our results as well.

As my luck would have it, our local agency director (who would be the receiver - or inquirer of this news) is out of town. Unfortunately, this situation happened last month as well when we were waiting for results.

I was able to get another staff member to check the emails, and she reports there was no correspondence from KKPI. Ack.

Because of the time difference, she likely will not inquire on our behalf until Monday, which means no news until Tuesday.

The 2012 Summer Olympics in London are wreaking havoc on my plans and my pocket book.

2 months ago, the rate to fly to Nairobi in July was $1600/person. Of course, we could not book (and still cannot) because we have not yet been approved by the governing committee in Kenya yet.

The Olympics are from July 27th - Aug 12th. Who the heck planned that?!

What does this mean!? It means that all flights are now over $2400 to fly in July or August.... a $800 difference per person = $3200. Where's my barf bag? This makes me sick to my stomach.

This really affects our timeline. We cannot afford that extra expense. The prices really don't start to come down until September. Our referral is still on track for June/July... upon which most people immediately go over to take custody. Seriously, do you know how much happens in 3 months in the life of a baby!? Ugh. Lump in my throat.

To add insult to injury... CAUTION - stop reading now unless you are really interested in listening to my pity party... (I ran out of gas today downtown, so I'm in a stellar mood.) My 35th birthday and more importantly our 10 yr anniversary happen to fall during the Olympics. Not a big deal, unless... after 10 yrs of not properly celebrating our anniversaries (ie - dinner with kids in tow at a family restaurant etc.), #10 was supposed to make up for it all.

My hubby has had 10 yrs to prepare, and 1 yr of warning... I was thinking Vegas etc... sans children this time. However, the plans quickly transformed into renewing our vows in Kenya. (How cool would that be!?)... and now we'll be going out for nachos in our hometown because we'll be too broke and busy for Vegas... and not able to get to Kenya. Blech. Wow - how's that for a whine? Can't say I didn't warn ya!

So, if it's okay with you all, I'd like to call off these darn Olympics.

Thursday, May 24, 2012

This is the start of what will be 100's of wipes, and just under a hundred large receiving blankets!! A wonderful friend of mine has generously offered to not only purchase the fabric, but to sew them as well! AND she has rounded up donations to cover the cost of shipping to get them safely to Kenya!

These blankets and wipes will accompany the cloth diapers that we are collecting for orphans and babies of new Mothers in Kenya.

Monday, May 21, 2012

Muffin had a sleep over on the weekend. At some point during the evening this conversation took place.

(They were playing Barbies, and she noticed a black Barbie that Muffin had stored in the corner, saving it for Zahra.)

Showing enough cleavage? Wardrobe malfunction. I'm not a huge Barbie fan... But I finally gave in when Muffin was 7. After all, I played with them as a child... and it didn't do that much damage!

Girl: "Can we open that?"

Muffin: "No, we are saving it."

Girl: "Why?"

Muffin: "Because it's for Zahra."

Girl: "She's an ugly Barbie."

Muffin: "Why do you think it's ugly?"

Girl: "Because she's black."

Muffin.... speechless

Girl: "Wait. Is Zahra gonna be black?"

Muffin: "Yes, she's African."

Girl: "Oh."

End of conversation.

I am new to this journey, and learning my way through it. I don't have all the answers. Together Muffin and I spoke about why she may have said this, and what responses she could have given. We decided that the one she felt most comfortable with is asking her why she thinks black is ugly, and then following up by leading as an example and saying that she thinks people of all colour are beautiful.

What is the response that came to my mind first? "How would you feel if someone told you that you were ugly because you are white?"
This is what would have come out of my mouth... yup. I realize this is a hostile response, and perhaps not the best. At least, Muffin didn't think it was very nice.

As time goes on, I am sure we will get better at developing appropriate responses. I don't want them to feel like they are full time advocates, guardians, or teachers, but I do want them to learn how to respond in these situations to encourage the other person to think and feel... hopefully to eliminate any further inappropriate comments.

This is the beginning of a learning process for our children.

By affiliation, they will be witness to how cruel people can be.

They wouldn't otherwise have any idea how intolerant people can be, or the prejudices that exist.

Their white privilege would have protected them from all that.

I am happy that they will have this insight.

I am sad that they will have to feel hurt, and disappointment from people they care about.

I am sad that it will cause them distress to know that others may think less of their baby sister because of her skin colour.

But, I couldn't ask for any more loving, caring, understanding children for Zahra to look up to as her older siblings.

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

I've been asked for the cake recipe that I made for Muffin's birthday. It's really easy, but looks impressive - so it's a winning combination!

First of all... you will need a bowl - My bowl was rather large and the pieces were huge... so perhaps a shorter bowl would be better. You will need:

2 or 3 flavors of ice cream

Swiss rolls - 24

chocolate syrup

chocolate Rolos or other type candy

If you can find these Swiss Rolls not dipped in chocolate - it would be much easier! I used 3 boxes, or 36 of them, cut in 4's. However, I would suggest cutting them into 5's and using a smaller bowl. So 2 boxes should do you. (Warning - do not read ingredients... I didn't even look, and I suggest you don't either. Good thing birthdays only come around once a year!! ;)

After you cut the rolls, line your bowl with plastic wrap and start to lay out your rolls.

Until your bowl is completely lined with rolls.

Cover and put in the freezer for one hour.

Take your first layer of ice cream out of the freezer and let soften for 15 mins.

Spread a layer of ice cream over your rolls.

Insert your chocolate candies.

Cover and stick back in freezer for 1 hour.

Allow your second ice cream to soften for 15 mins, and spread on top of the first layer.

Drizzle chocolate sauce over this layer. It ends up just running to the bottom of the your hole - which is fine.

Cover and freeze for an hour.

Fill the remaining space with your last flavor of ice cream.

Cover and freeze.

Invert bowl over top of plate allow to soften for a few minutes before serving.

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

In 12 hours the business day will begin in Kenya - May 16th. Prayer warriors, finger crossers, positive thinkers - we need your help. Today is the day we need to have our file be seen by the governing body in Kenya and to be approved.

Monday, May 14, 2012

I just cannot believe that it was nine years ago that I gave birth to her and became a Mom for the first time.

Anyway, not to get all sappy on you, after all there is enough of that on this here adoption blog!!

Muffin has always wanted a surprise party, so this year we decided to pull one off. It went off without a hitch, she was so surprised!! Check it out!

She said it was the best party she's ever had. Pretty good considering that it was thrown together last minute!

The kids painted flower pots and planted them with flowers to take home, they played Ryley Trivia, Hot Potato (which they all loved!!), had a scavenger hunt, face painting, in addition to jumping on the trampoline. It was full on - I wish I would have made the party longer, as we ran out of time!!

I made an ice cream cake, that seemed to be a hit. I didn't get a chance to try it. (Which is best anyway.)

This is all that remained.

One of the best things about Muffin's birthday is that she had decided she wanted to ask for donations for her sponsor child (Margaret) in Kenya in lieu of gifts. We had a backpack to fill to take to Margaret when we are in Kenya. She lives a couple hours outside of Nairobi. The girls were so generous, that we not only filled the back pack, but have plenty extra to hand out to Margaret's siblings, or village children!! We encourage our children to collect donations for a cause of their choice every second birthday. I am so proud of Muffin though to not only come up with this all on her own, but she whole hearted wanted to, and was very excited to do so! She didn't ask once if she would get a present for herself.... which of course she did. ;) She was so happy at the end of the night, going through all of the donated items and thinking of how much joy they would bring Margaret - a fellow nine year old, across the globe, that she has never met. Brings tears to my eyes... I know we must be doing something right! Bless her heart and the wonderful little woman she is blossoming into!

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Our dossier arrived in Kenya on March 18th. It was supposed to have been submitted to the governing committee (NAC) before April the 5th to be eligible to be seen in April's meet. (I say 'supposed to be', as I have no real confirmation that is was indeed.)

The committee met early in the month, on the 11th. Typically, the Kenyan agency gets word within a week or two. Today we have received confirmation that our file was not seen at this meeting. The next meeting is May 16th.

To be honest, on one hand I am a little relieved that we were not approved in April. It is too soon. A May referral would mean that we would have to wait 2+ months to meet our child... and it would be agonizing for me! (Totally hand it to all you Moms who wait months and some years!! I am a control freak... and I would likely have a nervous break down if I had to endure that. Ugh.)

May has to be our month though!! My first born was born in May, so it would be nice to get approval for my last in May. ;)

My timeline that I am hoping for is as follows...
May 16th approval. June 1st notification of approval. End of June referral. End of July - relocation. This is my perfect world scenario - and so far, since last fall - it has been falling in line the way I envisioned it.

IF our approval comes any later than May - it will be that much more difficult to list our place for rent for Aug 1. I also would prefer one month to adjust and settle into Kenya before we feel pressured to start homeschooling.

We cannot list our place for rent until we get approval, otherwise there is simply no guarantees.

So please help me put it out to the universe that May is our month (and that we will need no further documents, which could delay us up to 2 months!!). Prayer, hope, positive thinking - whatever works for you - please put it out there. Thank you!!

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

My little man is a germaphobe... and I love to tease him about it. It's 'our thing'.

Every night before he goes to bed, I kiss his ears, his eyes, his nose and a big wet one right on his lips. He claims to hate it, but every night he asks me for his 'special' tuck in... and so it is our little game.

Today, he was home sick school.

"It's taken a really time today to figure out what my body needed, but now I know it needs some Gingerale. Can you get me some Gingerale Mommy?"

So I went and bought him some Gingerale. But before giving it to him, I asked him if I could have a sip first (first, because I didn't want to catch his bug).

"I guess so, but just a little one okay?"

I took a gulp and handed it back to him, watching as he wiped the Mommy germs off the top with his shirt.

"You know, you already have my germs... you came right out of me.. germs and all!"

"No, I did not!" (He knew he was conceived from me - but was protesting the germ part.)

"Yep, made from Mommy's germs."

"Nooo!"

"True story, you came right from germ filled body... made from my Mommy germs."

Monday, May 7, 2012

Haiti's adoption authority, l'Institut du Bien Être Social et de Recherches
(IBESR), informed U.S. Embassy Port-au-Prince that it will suspend processing of
new adoption cases effective May 7, 2012. IBESR indicated that the suspension
will enable it to expedite processing on its backlog of pending cases and begin
internal restructuring to bring it closer to international standards. The U.S.
Embassy has been assured the suspension is temporary and that IBESR will
continue to process all cases that are filed before May 7.

While this is for the good of all those who are currently in process, it is still another reminder that this thing called 'adoption' is not easy.

You just can't adopt from wherever you feel like it - despite the common misconceptions. There are very few... (I'm like talking about a handful here) countries that you actually adopt from, and those that do exist, can always be shut down with no warning. Let's count the possibilities.

Kenya - requires 9 month residencyDRC - new and unstable for BC residents lacking optionsS.Africa - Just re-opened. I don't know if it's availabe for BC residents?Ethiopia - Only applications for special needs and older childrenChina - Special needs Vietnam - Special needsCanada - Older child, special needs RussiaUS - Very expensive, new born - Bio Mother chooses family, long wait lists, risksJapan - Small program with difficult requirements -
- under 43 years of age

married for three years

be childless

(and must make a zillion dollars per year.)Honduras - Must be under 45, process time avg - 4 yrsPhillipines - Special Needs/Older childMorroco - for Muslims onlyIndia - Special Needs or for those of Indian heritage Jamaica - New, Older Child, Unstable, Unpredictable

Saturday, May 5, 2012

I think Stigma is made up of 1 or 2 things. 1. Lack of knowledge and sometimes this is compounded with 2. Attitude

I was telling this Doctor of our plans to adopt from Kenya. You can tell by a person's instant reaction if they think this is a fabulous thing or if they think your nuts. You simply cannot hide your true feelings upon surprising news. In this case, he was delighted, and started to ask several questions, displaying a genuine interest in the process etc. BUT then... out it came.

"What age of a child will you adopt?"

"Around age 2."

"Oh that's good, then at least it will give any HIV antibodies time to be present and they can be properly tested - so you know for sure that they will be negative."

(*?*) "Actually, many babies test positive as they carry their Mother's antibodies even when they are negative. It can take several months for them to correctly test negatively... only once the antibodies have left them."

Attitude - I know, many people are still stuck in 1984 with outdated knowledge of HIV. It is still viewed as a death sentence and many are not aware that HIV is not AIDS. A person with HIV can live a long, healthy, normal life... get married, have kids and outlive you or I. HIV is treatable!! See the quick fact post I did for AIDS day. Then quickly check out the HIV FAQ's here at Positively Orphaned and here at HIV to Home. It's important for us all to educate ourselves on this a little... the fear surrounding HIV is really over the top, and unfounded. (I mean, unless you plan to have unprotected sex with someone who has AIDS, or share a needle with them - otherwise, the fear can be checked at the door.)

Okay... so when you are approached with this 'Stigma'... you immediately step in and offer the little 'welcome to 2012 - HIV is treatable, etc. ramble....', right? And upon delivery, you either get the...

'Oh.... reeeaalllly? I didn't know that.'

Or, you get the *eyeball* look that tells you...

' I don't care what you say to me about this, my mind is closed. I am not listening. HIV is AIDS and the grim reaper in disguise. Don't come near me with those words because I might 'catch it. Lalalala...' (with fingers in their ears).

This is an attitude. Fortunately, I come across lack of knowledge much more commonly than the attitude. You can cure the 'lack of knowledge', but how do you cure an attitude? This is a person who is not willing to change their mind set. They are content viewing the world from their sad (and angry!), little place in the corner and will not come out for anything.

I am noticing this is a common theme in many areas, not only HIV and adoption, but life in general. I know I speak a great deal about the psychology of people. I am constantly seeking to understand, and I get frustrated when I don't. I'm learning a lot about people on this journey, and with that understanding I am finding peace. If people want to be completely irrational about things and not willing to open their minds... we can't force them. We can feel sorry for them, as we are able to see how bright the world is from the outside... and then we can walk away, and leave it at that.

We can work to educate and end stigma, but an attitude can only be changed by the person who possesses it. We need not concern ourselves with them... but push past to those who are willing to learn and love.

Let's help end the Stigma... and pass on the truth campaign. Truth is contagious - spread it!

"Two turtles were discussing meeting God. One said "I can't wait to meet God. I'm going to ask him why He didn’t do something about all the suffering on earth." The other turtle hesitated and responded, "I'm afraid he's going to ask me the same thing."

Who?

As a family of 4, we packed up our lives and moved to Kenya for 8 months to adopt our sweet daughter. We got our hands dirty and fell in love with her country.
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Adoption, parenting, crunchy living, cooking, travelling, my sleep walking husband... there is no guarantee what I will be posting about next!