Tabloid readers and reality tee-vee watchers aren't surprised by this real estate turn of events since the always bickering in front of the cameras couple have split up and are currently in the early stages of a divorce that's already turned bitter and ugly.

Property records we peeped reveal the quondam couple purchased the unapologetically palatial property in May 2004 for $12,708,000. It doesn't take a mathematics savant or a even functional calculator to see the Maloof-Nassifs hope to double their money less carrying costs, improvements, renovations, maintenance and upkeep, real estate fees, and the various other expenses related to owning a residence and property of this magnitude.

Listing information available online does not currently indicate the square footage of
the obviously immense and conspicuously opulent faux-chateau but does show the hulking house sits on almost two, painstakingly manicured and
expensively maintained acres with 8 bedrooms and 11 bathrooms. Public records, for the record, show the incorrigibly palatial pile has 7 bedrooms and 9 bathrooms in 12,882 square feet.

Now children, before we really dig in and get our claws dirty, let's have a wee caveat, shall we? Despite her lurid allegations of physical brutality, Your Mama happens to think Mister Nassif comes off on the boob-tube a lovable galoot of a guy and in spite of her (too) tiny feet and terrifying maquillage we find Miz Maloof to be a charmingly nervy and savvy entrepreneur/television personality but we are, even still, utterly confounded to the point of gut wrenching mortification at their wildly extravagant decorative proclivities.

Is it just Your Mama or are there others who also have extreme difficultly getting past the ludicrously palatial and comically ostentatious day-core? Are we more per-turbed by the statue of two hugging children (and small dog) on the park bench near the front door that may or may not be a Seward Johnson situation or more dis-turbed by the several portraits of Miz Maloof sprinkled throughout of the house? For the life of us we can't figure out if we're most particularly and distressingly drawn—like a driver to a mangled roadside car wreck—to the oil painting of Miz Maloof dressed in a ball gown and admiring herself in a hand held mirror or the one above the fireplace in the family room in which she's depicted nearly prostrate on a sofa with a small child—presumably one of her own—perched upon her belly.

Furthermore, we can't decide what is more equilibrium upsetting: the white and gold baby grand in the formal living room that only Liberace could (and should) love or the truly vexatious rocking chair like object set awkwardly in front of the fireplace? Are we more concerned with the ego of someone whose capacious master bedroom looks like it was decorated by the pope himself or do we fret endlessly about the psyche of someone who installs shiny, blood red leather reclining chairs in their home theater? What makes Your Mama's decorative skin crawl more? The frilly floral
window treatments in the colossal, two-island kitchen and breakfast
room, the gold and tassel trimmed blue brocade drapery extravaganza in
the formal dining room, or the red velvet swagging above the windows in
the poker-playing room?

The double-gated, high-maintenance grounds are comparatively sedate compared to the faux-Baroque/Rococo decor—there's not a stature of David to be seen in listing photographs—and include a circular fore-court connected by a swooping driveway that wraps around to a second motor court and four-bay garage on the side of the house. Out back there's a soccer pitch-sized lawn, numerous terraces and covered patios, an outdoor kitchen/barbecue center, extensive swimming pool and spa complex, tennis court, and detached guest house converted at least partially to a sports memorabilia-festooned, multi-purpose work out facility.

The $26,000,000 asking price is hardly rare for the hoity-toity 'hood where at least one house once had a terrifically optimistic fifty million dollar price tag but recent sales have come in significantly lower. Comedian/actor Martin Lawrence unloaded his gaudy, 13,855 square foot mansion in June of this year (2012) for $17,200,000. An unusually contemporary, 13,081 square foot residence on 3.5+ acres a
couple doors down from Miz Maloof and Mister Nassif's spread—most
Beverly Park mansions are steroidal versions of Tuscan villas and
Mediterranean manor houses (or whatever)—was sold in January of this year for $21,750,000 and Miz Maloof's castmate Lisa Vanderpump sold her equally opulent and similarly scaled mansion directly across the street last September (2011) for $18,800,000.

As an aside, Miz Vanderpump's former mansion was severely damaged in a fire in late June (2012) and it's not known—at least by Your Mama—whether the new owners plan to repair and renovate or raze and start all over again.

We don't normally mention real estate agents around here—we think they prefer we leave them out of the equation—but it's notable that Miz Maloof and Mister Nassif have chosen Beverly Park honcho Mauricio Umansky (at The Agency) who happens to be married to The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills' cast member Kyle Richards.

80 comments:

I believe this home accurately represents its owners, don't you think? However, I'm on Nassif's side for this fight. I think Maloof is just bs'ing everyone because she's a spoiled beyotch who is used to getting her way.

Although the home is gawdy to say the least, I'm envious of the financial ability of the owners to be afford such a thing.

Oh GURL! SNAP awaken me from the dispair that my eyes have witnesed, help my eyes recover from gaudy spectacular spectacular! Help my eyes see something more beautiful!

Oh this house this pile or self grandation of bad taste of pontiff ornimentation is a hot mess.. I need smelling saults I need vodka (keep it out of Ms. Maloff's Hands she apparently goes hog wild on it). Dayum GURL waz she all drunk up in the hood asking for a drunk mess vision and thats what she got! Oh GURLS Help me, my vision will never be the same!

So over prived. The reason the sq.ft. isn't stated is because its about 12k sq.ft.... Vanderpumps 15k sq.ft. place sold for $19 and Martin Lawrences sold for $17.2m with over 13k sq.ft.... I think we can do the math to realize the ridiculous asking price.

So over prived. The reason the sq.ft. isn't stated is because its about 12k sq.ft.... Vanderpumps 15k sq.ft. place sold for $19 and Martin Lawrences sold for $17.2m with over 13k sq.ft.... I think we can do the math to realize the ridiculous asking price.

The Children are forced to look at yet another dwelling containing everything, absolutely everything (!) that the Rabbi's Great Aunt Goldie would have died to have in her apartment up on the Grand Concourse, and everything that the Rabbi wouldn't want to be caught dead with! Uh oh, grammarians, the Rabbi ended a sentence with a preposition. Well, English isn't her first language, of course.

And speaking of Great Aunt Goldie, may she rest in peace, at first glance the Rabbi thought that the vexatious rocking chair, witIh its arms and legs twisted in as if deformed by rheumatoid arthritis, heaven help us, was Auntie Goldie herself!

The Rabbi would like to wish Mama, The Dr. Cooter, and all of the Children a Happy New Year 5773, filled with good health, good friends, joy and fulfillment, and preferably tasteful celebrity real estate stalking.

Oh God my eyes and brain.can some one identify what the very scary thing is the 2nd set of pictures... 1st pic is some living room.. on the right side of the room .. is it a rocking chair covered in Captain Jack-dead pirate-sea shells?

and that 'master bedroom'! you could land a plane in there.. and a helicopter on that ugly/silly canopy bed. insane

Oh my God, please help me. I think I'm having a really bad acid trip. I'm just going to sit real still now staring at the computer screen holding on for dear life waiting for it to end or for the walls to melt.

Hey dont beat up the Beverly Hillbillies! Their home was high style compared to this. And as far as that pair being happy on the show?? Every time I saw them I thought "this is an example of two people who deserve to be stuck with each other" They seemed so unhappy. I am sure that after she and her brothers ruined daddies biz(s) (well documented in financial pulications) he saw her in a different light.

This place is awful, however, the awfulness is mostly the furniture. Once that is cleared out the house could be decent with a coat of paint and good furnishings. This could be an gorgeous house I think with some renovations, update kitchen bathroom, flooring... Call Jeff Lewis, stat! I quite like the exterior.

I have always hated Landry's odd sense of scale & proportion -- but seeing it "festooned" this was makes me want to pray that a stray ember or two would have floated over from the Vanderpump conflagration...

After the second set of pics, I had to pour myself a tall one just to get the bad taste out of my delicate taste buds..Some people would say the owners taste was all in their mouth, I wouldn't even want to tour this property, One can only imagine what other horrors lurk within those walls.

Absolutely hideous! I almost screamed when I saw one of the pics. I had seen this house many times on RHOBH and knew it was bad, but this is terrible. Adrienne is like-able on that show, here's hoping she has better taste with her next house.

This has GOT to be one of the most entertaining posts EVER! Your Mama hit the proverbial nail on the head with this one! I have never laughed so hard.. And the comments! You are killing me! My goodness it surely shows that money can't buy you good taste.

This place is a living embodiment of horror vacui (the fear of empty space). There is nowhere to rest the eye; every square inch of every surface is over-embellished as if to proclaim their wealth. It is hideous.

Terrible interiors but unbeatable location and views. Grounds, architecture & agent are all golden. She also has better views than Lisa. I wouldnt be suprised if she gets more than you are all predicting. As bad as it seems in these photos, lets all be real in admitting that with a lot of cosmetic changes this could be gorgeous.

Highly doubt she'll get more than Lisa did. Lisa's house is bigger, better-looking, and has better grounds. If there are any significant views here, I don't see them in the listing photos. This won't go for over $20 million.

Not to mention that Lisa and Adrienne bought their Beverly Park homes in the same year - 2004, but Lisa paid significantly more for hers.

I can see her getting more than Lisa. Once you remove the furniture and the curtains, and the wallpaper.. Owners in BH do all that stuff everytime they buy a house. Besides, Lisa's white and pink and mirrors theme wasn't much better.

The architecture is golden? I want some of what y'all are smoking. Sure, the exterior isn't as huge of a hot mess as the interior, but it's still another repulsive Landry disaster. The front manages to be both pretentious and incredibly boring at the same time, while the back is simply an overblown mess.

This is a teardown, just like Lisa Vanderpump's was. Bet the new owner there (rumored to be a Russian-Armenian billionaire BTW) had that fire started on purpose.

Anon 5:41,...obviously I would put Le Grand Reve at the top of the list -- with that over-sized pediment it looks live a piece of tacky furniture escaping from the warehouse. And he never seems to get the pitch right on any mansard roof, although he resorts to that particular design device all too often.

The home where Michael Jackson died is another offender, as is the monstrosity on Beverly Park Circle that he had to turn sideways to fir on the lot -- bad scaling, bad approach; bigger is not better, it's just bigger.

There ore other Landry designs within the confines of Beverly Park that would fit the bill as well; next to each other they don't seem quite so egregious, but taken as individuals they just seem wrong.

The Rabbi hesitates to express criticism immediately before Yom Kippur. Nevertheless, she took a little look-see at the Landry website and will most reluctantly share thoughts about two of Mr. Landry's "classic" residences:

The French Residence pediment base should be realigned and the arched window above the door should be more narrow.

The Gretzky Residence port cochere should rise to two stories with four columns across the front and the flanking dependencies should be of equal height.

Now please excuse the Rabbi while she atones. May Mama, Dr. Cooter, the Children, and all of creation be sealed in life for a good year.

Thank you, Lil Boy and Rabbi Hedda! I must find that Beverly Park Circle hideous piece of a house. I believe you, I've seen the houses and I feel exactly that way, not a single house he designed that I like, except perhaps that Pacific Palisades one I believe is called the Auerbach Residence, but which, I believe, was actually designed by the woman who lives in it. Very non-Landryian.

However, I was more aiming at the specific examples in terms of how Rabbi Hedda described it. You know, this isn't aligned to that, the roof is of the wrong slope, the columns are all wrong for the Rococo thing he's going for. Beaux Arts, and what he does is a mockery of it, had a million of these little rules like what type of ornament and where, the ratio of the door size versus the height of the house etc. and it's that what I would like to see as wrong immediately once I see the house. His 'technique' is wrong and there are ways to see that by looking at the pics I don't know about.

The Rabbi will attempt to answer your question. Via displaying unisentical photographs in pairs, multiple studies determine that a majority of persons prefer edifices and living spaces that fall within proportions of limited ratios. The Rabbi emphasizes that a majority does not include everyone.

Concerning the Gretzky port cochere, porticoes with square frontal planes please most with four columns instead of two. Concerning the French facade, a realignment of the pediment base to span three bays would diminish the emphasis of the square over square center. The White House, Mt. Vernon, and edifices of antiquity provide examples of proportion and massing pleasing to most.

Additionallly, a majority will prefer rooms of either square, 2 to 3, or 3 to 5 ratios. And when presented with asymetry, most will choose visually weighted balance; e.g., a sofa balanced by two chairs opposite.

The Rabbi again indicates that a majority does not include the preferences of all, and sincerely hopes that Anonymous 12:31 a.m. finds this Talmudic discourse satisfying.