Wednesday, June 21, 2006

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St.Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

II no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney has given us. I can live a better life now because he's told us how to fix everything.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up the $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

Oh, and don't forget this one either! I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...

Thursday, June 01, 2006

It seems like yesterdayBut it was long agoJaney was lovely she was the queen of my nightsThere in the darkness with the radio playing lowAnd the secrets that we sharedThe mountains that we movedCaught like a wildfire out of control'Til there was nothing left to burn and nothing left to proveAnd I remember what she said to meHow she swore that it never would endI remember how she held me oh so tightWish I didn't know now what I didn't know then

Against the windWe were runnin' against the windWe were young and strong, we were runnin'Against the wind

The years rolled slowly pastAnd I found myself aloneSurrounded by strangers I thought were my friendsI found myself further and further from my homeAnd I guess I lost my wayThere were oh so many roadsI was living to run and running to liveNever worryied about paying or even how much I owedMoving eight miles a minute for months at a timeBreaking all of the rules that would bendI began to find myself searchingSearching for shelter again and again

Against the windA little something against the windI found myself seeking shelter sgainst the wind

Well those drifter's days are past me nowI've got so much more to think aboutDeadlines and commitmentsWhat to leave in, what to leave out

Against the windI'm still runnin' against the windI'm older now but still runnin' against the windWell I'm older now and still runnin'Against the windAgainst the windAgainst the wind

Still runnin'I'm still runnin' against the windI'm still runnin'I'm still runnin' against the windStill runnin'Runnin' against the windRunnin' against the windSee the young man runWatch the young man runWatch the young man runnin'He'll be runnin' against the windLet the cowboys rideLet the cowboys rideThey'll be ridin' against the windAgainst the wind ...