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Could you get my dad to lay off the father-son stuff? It's kind ...

Jake: Could you get my dad to lay off the father-son stuff? It's kind of lame.Charlie: "Lame?" You think it's lame your father cares so much about you, he wants nothing more than to be a part of your life?Jake: Yeah

Charlie: Hey, what's your hurry? If she becomes a big TV star while you're still married, she'll have to pay you alimony.Alan: Yeah! And if pigs start flying out of my rear end, we'll have free bacon for the rest of our lives.Jake: I don't know if I'll eat that bacon

Alan: Um, sweetie, do you remember why we split up?Kandi: The big reason or all the little reasons? Cause there were a lot of little reasons, Alan.Alan: I know.Kandi: Like the way your toe nails grow all crazy.Alan: Right. Got it.Kandi: And your ear hair and your nose hair. And that one long hair on your back, yuck!