Waiting Until Your Child Is Ready?

We face a lot of pressure as moms. From the moment our wee one is born we are presented with a variety of options for this tiny bundle that we are now completely responsible for. Will we co-sleep? How about baby wearing? They grow and there are more choices – what will we feed them, how will we dress them, what will we let them watch on tv (if we let them watch tv at all?!)…

In fact, I don’t think the choices and decisions have slowed down at all. In nearly fifteen years of mothering, the decisions to be made haven’t lessened, they have only changed. Last week it was choosing to “parent teach” driver’s ed and choosing which curriculum to use! The fact remains that we are still, consistently, one hundred percent responsible for these little humans who are ever-growing into little adults.

Often we don’t see the results and benefits of the choices that we make. Sometimes…we do. And it can be so, so sweet.

As homeschool moms we add a new set of choices and pressures to our already full plate. We feel the pressure for our children to succeed and do well. We have to fight the voices (and possibly the state regulations) that tell us what our children need to know and when they need to know it. Sometimes we know that this child is different or that child isn’t ready and we fight the fear that someone might think less of us, or our child, if they can’t read or write or do math at the right age.

Truly, one of the hardest and best things we can do for a child that isn’t ready for something.. is to simply wait until they are.

I will say it again: Waiting for our children to be mentally, emotionally and physically ready to learn something is better than pushing them too soon. It’s hard, . . . but it’s worth it.

When I taught my oldest daughter to read–well, it was a piece of cake really. She wanted to do it, she was eager, she learned easily. She was reading Dick & Jane and The Cat in the Hat by five years old. She progressed quickly and sped through 2nd and 3rd grade “I can read” books like nobody’s business. In 4th grade she was easily at a 6th grade (or higher) reading level.

{I’m not going to lie; I thought I was pretty good at this. Look at how well my daughter is reading. I’m so proud of her. I did a good job teaching her. Homeschooling for the win!}

You know where this is going don’t you?

That’s right; my second daughter came along and she was completely different. She is wired differently, she learns differently, she has different strengths. Reading wasn’t one of them. It was harder for her and the same approach that I used with my oldest wasn’t working. At all. Every time I pushed, she resisted and backed off.

So we regrouped and tried a different, more hands on approach. We slowed down a little and took things at her pace. Once she saw that she could do it, everything clicked. I saw the light bulb come on and she began reading, too, at age 6. Now, she may not have ever really “fallen behind” but I learned an important lesson at this point. Step 1: Ignore the social pressure.Step 2: What my child needs is a gentle, steady, patient teacher.

That would be a very important lesson I would need to know, and remind myself of frequently, when my third child came along.

My son, as boys are in many ways, was very different from my two girls. At first he seemed to thrive with letters and numbers and I was t-h-r-i-l-l-e-d when he could identify, name, and write all of his letters by age two. (Thank you very much to Barney and Blues Clues.) I have the cutest video of him sounding out some simple three letter words at age 3 or 4, while eating a popsicle and just looking hands-down-adorable.

And then everything changed.

Reading came to a complete, total, grinding, screeching halt.

For whatever reason, my son was not mentally and emotionally ready to move on. He could do it, I knew he could. But he wouldn’t. And I was afraid to push too hard for fear of making him hate reading. I reminded myself of what I knew inside-that I could be patient and it would be okay. But he was four then,. . . and there was plenty of time.

And then he was five.
He turned six.
And then seven.
He didn’t. Want. To. Read.

How long is too long? How long are we patient? How long do we wait??

By age seven I was getting questions and comments. I would rebuff them gently and positively. “He will get there,” I’d say, “There’s no hurry.” I would come across articles that would assure me that I was doing the right thing. I had friends who had been there before to encourage me. It’s hard to tell that Mom Worry to keep her voice quiet, though. You still wonder if you are doing the right thing.

As time passed, I just kept to my gentle and steady approach. Lessons were very short and simple. The first sign of frustration signaled the end of the reading lesson. Many days there were no lessons at all. We looked for opportunities to sound out words elsewhere – in the free Lego magazine, on the Sonic menu board, in the Netflix episode list. Any opportunity to read that didn’t ‘look’ like a reading lesson was seized. In the mean time, I was patient. Eventually, like a heavy locomotive slowly coming to motion, the wheels began to turn again.

At the beginning of one school year, a few months before turning eight, my son stopped arguing as much over his reading lesson. He began to show a little more interest. And the most amazing thing happened. He began to learn and grow again.

It was beautiful. He had still learned and grown during his years of waiting, because I never backed off entirely, and he could read a lot more than he had allowed himself to realize. But until he was ready to embrace the idea of reading with willingness, he was never able to flourish.

That’s what we were waiting for, that’s what he needed. Once he was ready to move forward with reading he was able to do so with great speed, making up for all the “lost time.” In two years’ time he went from a beginning-of-first-grade reading level to an end-of-third-grade reading level.

Even better: since turning nine my son has shown an increasing desire to read for pleasure.

He takes books with him, he has asked for bigger books to read. I won’t forget the day, only a couple of months ago, when he took a book to church “to read while you practice for worship.” Did he read it? Yes he did. Since then I’ve been finding him with other books and magazines. Only last week he asked me to install the Kindle app on the tablet he worked and saved for, “so I can read books on here, too.” He’s in the middle of Stephen Altrogge’s “The Last Superhero.” My momma heart swells with joy beyond words. My boy reads! He reads well. And he likes it.

So is it worth it to wait until your child is ready? Should we shuck tradition, state standards, and cookie cutter models? Do we ignore the naysayers and the genuinely concerned and press on down a path that looks an awful lot like “doing nothing?”

Listen, I can’t speak for every child. And I can’t speak into every situation. There may be legitimate learning issues such as dyslexia that is hindering your child that would *need* to be addressed and helped. But I believe whether the child is struggling, or simply not ready, that pushing hinders more than it helps. I believe the best course is to always set sail in the general direction that you want to go, at the speed that your child needs for that time, and let the rest of it go–give it to God. Be gentle, steady, and patient. Slow and steady really does win the race sometimes.

I pray that whatever worries you have for your child, that you able to find peace in the middle of the hard decisions. I pray that while you wait for your child to embrace learning you find strength and hope. I pray that you are renewed and encouraged to not give up but press on. Waiting for our children to be ready to learn is one of the hardest and best things we can do for them.

About Amber Oliver

Amber writes about homemaking and eclectic homeschooling from deep in the heart of Texas at her blog, Classic Housewife. A daughter of God, wife, and mother of three very different children, Amber loves to write, encourage, and help others. Blogging and social media have become tools through which she can use her talents for the glory of God. As a busy homeschool blogging mom, Amber depends on God daily (and also coffee and chocolate.) Amber’s main goal is to help her children find God’s fingerprints through all of creation, learning and life.
View all posts by Amber Oliver →

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11 thoughts on “Waiting Until Your Child Is Ready?”

Amen! My oldest son was always a quick study and was proud of all that he learned. It came easy to him. My second had the ability but not the interest or drive. I found out very quickly that he was easily overwhelmed and would fall to pieces at the site of an overwhelming set of math problems or long paragraph to read. I learned to back off and take breaks or stop altogether for the day if we had to. My husband would worry that he wasn’t reading as much as our older son at his age, etc… And I would patiently explain that I couldn’t push him or he would hate learning. We have been at this for 3 years and this year, all of a sudden his reading clicked and he doesn’t mind doing things that would have made him cry a year ago. And sometimes I will still cross out every other subtraction problem on his math worksheet just so that visually he can see that he only has to do half the work. He still learning and mastering subtraction he just isn’t doing it as much as the publisher expected. Experimenting with different curriculums and methods can be all the difference in the world too! Great post!

Amy, yes! I find the publisher and my child often disagree. 😉 But as you said, finding curriculum that is a good fit also helps, as does changing methods. In the end we’re all just looking to do what’s best for our own kid, but it’s not always what best for someone else’s, right? Thanks for your input!

Great article! So true! I have an 8 yr.old that I’m starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel w/reading.Still not reading fluently but at least slowly making progress instead of just shutting down everytime she hears its time to study reading! God bless u for taking time to encourage us behind the scenes (sometimes lonely) workers.

I’m so glad this encouraged you. Hang in there! Slowly making progress is still progress and even long tunnels open up on the other end eventually. Bless you for your patient and sometimes lonely work.

Thank you so much for this post. I needed it today. It’s been a rough time around here in our homeschool lately. My attitude has not been the best. I love homeschooling so much, but the daily challenges are rough. Add to that an 8 year old boy who does not like Math right now and you have the makings for a difficult situation. Very good post for sure

We have *all* had those rough days. (Or weeks. Sometimes months.) Keep your chin up and keep doing your best. I don’t need to remind you that the hard work is worth it, that your children will be blessed by your patience and persistence. I’m sure you already know. Hugs!

Yes! I have a friend who recently discovered that part of her son’s reading issue was vision related. Patience is always a good virtue to have, but sometimes something more than patience is also needed. We also have to remember that if our kids need testing or help with dyslexia or dysgraphia, etc, then getting that assistance is not shameful but another way we can do the best thing for our children. Thank you.

This I can verify, it is trust 100%. Our first born didn’t pick up until much later! I wasn’t homeschooled, and my parents weren’t either. They viewed my son’s progress as neglect and I was getting tired of defending as well as getting worried myself. However he finally took off and by the age of 13 he was reading at 17th grade level! He like most home schoolers blew those unknown to this type of teaching away. He’s still amazing us and those that know him. Be encouraged, you who deal with the unique and late bloomer. You may be raising a prodigy or polymath! Forget the false measures of the world that is failing or falls short, the best way is the hardest and the most rewarding. All the matters is not opinion but the the life(s) before you.

Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU! Teaching my oldest son to read was a snap. My youngest son has Down syndrome and it is a struggle. But every once in a while, something just clicks with him. Thanks for reminding me to be patient!

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