You’re using Twitter wrong.

Talking to your friends on Twitter about the mundane activities of your sad life is so 2010. Following celebrities on Twitter is so 2011. The new trend for Twitter is to become friends with people BEFORE they become celebrities and get millions and millions of followers!

“But how do I do that, Adam?” You ask while you sit on your toilet and read this post from your phone.

I’ll tell you how. Follow these people right here. Their tweets will make you laugh, and then you’ll retweet them, and then your friends will laugh, and you’ll be a hero. A HERO. Don’t you want to be a hero?

First, of course, there’s me. I’m an author (albeit self-published), a comedian (albeit very amateur), a lawyer (albeit unlicensed and incapable of practicing law), and a sex machine (albeit rusty and bloated). Why aren’t you following me?

What I lack in free time I make up in willingness to take drugs that keep me from sleeping.

Then, if you’re ready – really, really ready – to be a hero – follow the rest of these comedians. I went through thousands – okay, hundreds – okay, tens – of Twitter accounts for local Orlando comedians to find the cream of the crop – the sour, cynical, dark, twisted cream of the crop. These comedians are the funniest out there, unless they’re drunk, in which case they’re even funnier. They are intelligent, pessimistic, misanthropic, and will be the people you’ll be reading about in the pages of Variety someday. Or in the obituaries and subsequent interviews with yours truly. Either way:

Nick Pupo

If I could have one super power, it would be making people believe that cartwheeling is the only viable method of transportation.