The GREATEST TEAM on the grid is about to launch the GREATEST CAR in their 20 year history. GET. HYPED.

E21? Sounds like the name of some stupid X-Factor group.

MP4-28? Oh look, it’s the EXACT SAME CAR as last year.

VJM06? You name your car after yourself? Ego, much?

Real men don’t name their chassis after themselves, like some insecure baby with validation issues – real men name their car after their wives. Why? BECAUSE THAT’S SOME ROMANTIC ****.

But who needs real men, when women can do even better? That’s right. Move over Tulisa – I’m talking about the REAL female boss:

MONISHA ‘The Beastsha’ KALTENBORN

LOOK AT THIS MAGNIFICENT WOMAN.

This is what you need to succeed, boys. Intelligence, class, confidence, sweet glasses and two X chromosomes.

But wait – there’s more.

You can’t have an AWESOME team and an AWESOME car with an AWESOME team principal without two AWESOME drivers – and OH MY GOD ARE THESE DRIVERS AWESOME.

First up, we have the man who will win his first Grand Prix in 2013 (quote me on that) – you don’t want to make him angry, it’s: NICO ‘The Incredible’ HÜLKENBERG

HOLY JESUS HE IS SCARY PLEASE DON’T HURT ME NICO

And who’s joining The Hulk? Well, he’s not just a man. He’s not just a driver. He’s special. VERY special. It’s:

ESTEBAN ‘The Chosen One’ GUTIÉRREZ

HALLELUJAH ESTEBAN LET ME WORSHIP YOUR FEET

Wow. That driver line is so SENSATIONAL I don’t even know what else I can say. Except for YES SAUBER! THIS IS IT! THIS IS YOUR TIME! THIS IS THE SEASON YOU RISE UP AND TAKE THE GLORY THAT YOU SO RICHLY DESERVE!

On a more serious note: Sauber say they will launch the car at 12:00 CET (11:00 GMT) with a livestream on their website. When I go to Sauber’s website, it gives a black page – anyone else having this problem?

On the Sauber website they have the picture but really big, the cloth they have over it is a bit see through, I may be going mental but it doesn’t look like there is a stepped nose, no closed cockpit as was previously mentioned, this is the on bit which shows a may not be looking properly, but can I see a shark fin.

@magnificent-geoffrey well that was quite… exaggerated perhaps :P But I definitely hope so and surely Sauber will have a season at least as good as last year’s, which was awesome, and I think Hulkenberg can improve Sauber’s results so far…

I do hope Sauber has another breakthrough year. They were honestly unlucky not to win a race last year. Perez needed but half a lap more at Monza and Kobayashi could have pulled a big upset at Spa were it not for the big crash. Hulkenberg showed great poise (for the most part) while leading in Brazil. 2013 really could be their year.