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Isn’t it too early? Couldn’t she get some more time? Is it really necessary for her to go right at this moment? Is there no point of coming back? Why can’t there just be a miracle? These questions were flying around me all the evening.

My cousin has been fighting against cancer for almost four years now. In all these years, I have not made myself a list bit of prepared for the ultimate result. For she was such a fighter, I could never imagined a defeat from her side. I could never allow a fear of losing her to be conjured up in my mind. I could never think of this point of no return. But now it’s terrible to see her on the losing side.

My list of losing family members has been getting bigger every year. No name on the list was easy. Everyone came up with a fair share of memories and involvement in my life. But she is different. You know those times when you think how will you live on this planet if you ever have to lose your mother? Whenever this thought came across my mind, I’ve always replaced my mother by her. She could just perfectly be my mother in every possible way. As a child, as much a loving toy I was to my mother, I was to her too. She had this innate ability to take up responsibilities. She never got tired of feeding me, help me cross the road or shop for me. She loved shopping as much as I hated it. And there she was, always a savior. She was the first one who bought me a shalwar-kameez, was there when I bought my first sharee and the first one to took me to ekushe boi mela. Why did you do so much, apu? Why did you do all these things so earlier? And why are you preparing to leave so early while I have never wanted to put your name on that wretched list?

So the other day I was reading this article on HuffPost. The writer suggested that everyone, including her, lies about favorite books. According to her, who also happens to be an author, your favorite book is that one you felt compelled to pick up more than once. When she is asked this very question she lied by mentioning either The Unbearable Lightness of Being or Love in the Time of Cholera. Of course, she clarifies that she enjoyed these two but by her definition that’s not enough to make it to the list of her favorites. This made me ponder over the definition of a favorite book. This pondering landed me on a more cluttered situation.

Well, I’ve always found it difficult to answer who’s my favorite author. In the contrary when it came to books, I can easily utter some names with conviction. A very few of them got a second reading from me. Yes, I’ve probably read some certain pages or paragraphs more than once, but that doesn’t count as a second reading, right? Now if you tell me those are not my favorites, that is surely going to offend me. But what was it in those books that made me so sure about them, I started to think. In my early years of reading, my favorite would be those I could easily relate to. It would make me ecstatic finding people who thinks just like I do and make me more self-assured.

Then there came some favorite books which would introduce me to a totally new level of experience and give my thought process a new dimension. The thing Annapurna: A woman’s place by Arlene Bloom did. In my sane mind and present physical condition I would have never dreamed of climbing a snowy mountain. But I’m so moved by this book that now it’s really difficult to totally dismiss the idea of climbing one someday. These kind of books will be my favorite for another reason. They showed me how diverse yet similar all our lives are. This helped me growing a sense of empathy, a closeness and changed my way of perceiving the world around me.

So by now this is obvious that it’s the story that attracts me most. Then again my favorite book like The Kite Runner won’t agree to this. I was not quite satisfied by the story itself. I think it took many coincidences and miracles to come to the end of the story. As a reader I had difficulties to believe those from time to time. But the way the story was told was enough for me to shut it down as my favorite one.

As I went deeper I found another bizarre fact. So far I’ve never mentioned a non-fiction as my favorite book though I read them quite frequently. If someone is referring to a non-fiction and I’ve already read and liked it I would probably go to some extent to tell them how much I liked it. But when I discussed my favorite book list they were never there. Well, from now on they will be. But that doesn’t solve the mystery of them not being there till date.

In my opinion, each favorite book makes it to the list on its own account and this varies widely. So the writer’s argument, in the article, of favorite books being the statement of the reader that they want to make about themselves might just not be true. May be the question needs a more elaborate approach. Favorite is not the right word to describe all of them.

I never have any problem with models from media. They are doing their work consciously and out of fondness. Fair enough. But I’ve a problem of them being the only “model” we can think of. We completely failed at showcasing our other role models, which causes this disaster. Sadly it only hits us when we see these numbers in this video.

January: Highlight of this month was our tour to the north-eastern part of our country. This was simultaneously so fun and so energizing that it still gives me goosebumps. Exploring new places, meeting new people, getting introduced to new culture always give me a deeper understanding of life. And also my birthday was a good one in January.

February: February was a month of awakening for us. For the first time we came out of our comfort zone to protest something. We fought together, got frustrated, lost people and again got united. Above all, we learnt a lot.

March: This was a fun month. Probably the only fun month of this year. I learn how to swim and how to cycle, went to attend a wedding and lost everything I had with me, painted the whole campus and celebrated our Independence day in style.

April: Attended most wonderful event of the year, One degree of challenge. I got to spend three days with kids from all over the country. This was an awe-inspiring experience. But the month wrapped up with the most tragic incident of our country, falling of Rana Plaza, taking more than thousands of lives. We had our toughest time then.

May: Month of celebration. Two of my friends got married and we had a chance of getting dressed up, taking photos and having loads of fun together.

June: Mostly event-less. Started rag program though.

July: Month of reading books.

August: The whole family reunion for the first time happened in this month. It grew a sense of responsibility and togetherness in me. It left me with the idea that family should be more valued.

September: Exam-time. Most unproductive time of all.

October: I was blessed with the chance of visiting Bandarban. Too good a place to be. I just rediscovered myself there.

November: Not a happy month. Got stuck in room almost all the time. Political situation of the country became worst.

December: Worst month of the year. Suffered a heartbreak, lost confidence and went through a huge emotional turmoil. Only good thing was attending the spiritual classical music festival.

I’ve been writing some blogs in my mother tongue and realized writing is not that tough or time-consuming job as I think of it to be. If I’m writing about something that really concerns me or the feelings that my heart is experiencing right at that moment then it’s not that difficult at all. It’s all about expressing yourself properly. The key card is to bring your inner self out. Your writing should be a reflection of yourself. It should properly show who you really are. Give up all the pretension and you are with your own master piece.

So I’ve thought of writing at least one paragraph when I feel like writing or when I’m really overwhelmed by any incident or any book or any music. The things or thoughts that define me should remain compiled in one place. I somehow sensed a lack of confidence in me when it comes of expressing my true feeling. This should stop. Take it as my announcement post or warm up post. Let’s see how far it goes. 🙂

This is just an irony how I am putting this scattered post just after my recharged post. But I can’t help. This week was really harsh on me. I am not sure whether it’s for my PMS or the disastrous academic result, this is probably the toughest week I’ve experienced in last two years. I was trying to deal with the feeling that all my dreams are going away day by day. And this afternoon, I was in my lowest point when I thought of calling my mother and have a cry or tell her I am missing her badly and need a hug from her. I didn’t do that eventually. Somehow I just happened to manage myself.

Classical Indian music is really helping me to soothe myself these days. They are pleasantly harmonious and quite able to calm my nerves. I am taking it as a therapy. Whenever I need to concentrate on something I’m listening to it and it’s helping. Sometimes I go through the videos too and observe the musician’s devotion to music. Just watching them is awe-inspiring. This afternoon I used it again and got my grip back on me. Then I had a random chat with two of my friends, one of them made me a delightful cup of coffee. I live with some pretty awesome friends. But I was so devastated in last two days that I haven’t had a proper conversation with them.

Then I started watching some tutorials on website design. Learning something new has always helped me in a great way. That made me pretty happy and excited. Probably I’ll show you my own website someday. I decided to take a break and peeped in to WP and read some really motivational posts. That is why I love WP, I can hear from so many people out there that I know for sure that some of them will definitely help me.

I was completely cheered up after these and thinking they say it right you see light after the darkest night. I thought I was burning inside and then I realized it’s necessary to burn a part of you to light some other. Anyway, I just felt like blabbering and it resulted in this. Ignore this monologue! 🙂

You should have known something completely different than what I’ve told you today from me. In case you don’t know, it’s International Mother language day today. And I am a proud citizen of the country who’ve a glorious history on this issue. I’ll try to let you know about this later. Also, we’re going through another historical event. The world should know about this too. I promise to be back soon.

Hello, everyone! I just got a pick in my stats yesterday. That made me feel so good that I came here to share this with you 🙂 I’m sure all of you have had this same moment at any point of your blogging period. Anyway, I was supposed to write to you about my tour to the north-eastern part of my country. As I was a bit busy with my bangla blog I couldn’t make it earlier. But I should tell you that I had an awesome one 😀 Firstly the nature managed to stun me yet once again and I had a real fun time with friends. Above all, the feeling of unity I get with the people of my country makes it worth traveling. I don’t know what should I call it, I get a soothing feeling and at the same time the sight and experiences I gather while traveling excites me the most. Anyway, it was another soul-recharging tour for me and the pick view also recharged me in a way. Hence comes this title!

So, we took the morning train to Sylhet at 16 Jan. And it started with a sudden catching glimpses moment with my crush at the railway platform! A happy start indeed, nay? 😛 After 5hrs we were at our destination Sreemangal. This was our first stoppage. We’ve visited tea gardens, Lawachora national garden, Madhobpur lake in two days and tried barbeque at night though it was a disaster! 😛 I won’t bother you with details rather show you some photos.

Yes, the title says it all. I was having a month long semester final which took me away from everything. But a lot of thing was happening to me both inside and outside. I’ll tell you one by one.

– In first week of December I attended a classical music festival for the first time in my life. And to my own astonishment, I’ve found my new love. I was only aware of my love for flute and already a fan of Pandit Hariprasad Chaurasia. The thought of watching his charisma live made me crazy and took me there in that winter night. We waited all night, then he came on stage and made all the audience spellbound. It was only that day I realized which situation the word ‘spellbound’ actually describes.

English: Hariprasad Chaurasia (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

But this was not the only thing I liked there. Earlier that night another maestro, Aruna Sairam, managed to mesmerize me. I heard her for the first time that time and she just took over my heart. Her music has something in it that I can’t describe right now but as I’m writing this her music is already all over me.

Bharatanatyam was not a brand new thing to me but I was not that much interested in it until I watched classical dancer Alarmel Valli performing. She is a gorgeous woman. She not only performed on the stage but also made all of her audience understand.

Alarmel Valli

This was one hell of a night and I thoroughly enjoyed it.

– In the middle of December the Delhi gang rape incident took place. It just left me shattered. Yes, I don’t live in India but the situation in the country I live in and the culture we share are pretty much the same. Sexual harassment is a very common scenario here too. And I was experiencing an emotional turmoil after that Delhi incident. I was sad, angry, unsecured and helpless. I wanted to say so many things but was so infuriated that couldn’t able to make anything sensible. I took three days and write about all that I wanted to say in Bangla. And that really calmed me down.

In the middle of last year we started a campaign to grow awareness about sexual harassment among the mass people. But I got somehow frustrated seeing girls are being abused everywhere in the world. This incident was another shock to me. But in the way people get stirred and protested this heinous act really inspired me. I don’t know when and how but change will definitely happen.

– It was my birthday last week and it turned out to be a great one. My mother came all the way from their town to Dhaka (where I live) only to feed me my favorite homemade foods. This is only possible by mothers! My boyfriend bought me a kindle, which is the thing I needed the most right now. We had a walk, took our morning tea together and did our usual funny discussions. These small things made me the happiest person on that day. Now you know it is really easy to make me happy! Also I’ve got a lots of wishes (which I really love to get! :P) and my friends entertained me all the day. Oh, I really love my birthdays! 😀

Okay, it’s 3 AM and I guess I’ve forgot other things that I wanted to write as I’m super excited about my trip to Sylhet tomorrow. I’ll write about the trip when I get back. Till then biday (now you know how to say good bye in Bangla)!

So, my blog is now one month and four days old. Yay 🙂 This is my eighth post here. I’m happy with my consistency so far. My past history will tell you that this is not a common phenomena for me. And the reason behind this orderliness is my recent addiction to WP. This is the second website (after Facebook) that I’m visiting too often without any reason.

This has become a wide open window for me, the window through which I can have glimpses of the whole world. It’s amazing how I’ve virtually met so many different people from all over the world and heard them talking about their life, feelings and work and how tactfully they are handling all these. Suddenly I’m hearing from people I don’t meet up that often here in my country or from people that I’ve never thought I’ll get to know.

Like those blogs by homosexual people, It’s not that we have an all-straight society here. But coming out as a homosexual is much difficult and I was curious to know what’s exactly happening out there in some other parts of the world. The stories, I’ve come across so far through the blogs, are not that much inspiring either, but at least they are writing and getting some heartwarming responses. A sense of solidarity is really important in this case.

Or those travel blogs, I am just smitten by them. I’m following an American couple, they are currently on their one year vacation and crossing the globe. Right now they are travelling India and I’m like Oh my god, they are just at my next door! All those pictures of mouthwatering foods or breathtaking adventures they are having have just made me crazy. There’s another girl who’s having all these travelling fun all by herself, she is gorgeous! Or that American couple in Kenya, they are working there and wonderfully managing their working-travelling life. Watching the same world through different eyes is absolutely fun, not to mention the joy of getting introduced to complete different cultures.

I personally love the daily life blogs. This is amazing how something really trifle can be turned into a significant one if you think from a slightly different perspective. Some of them are really humorous while some are so moving that they can make you think what do you exactly want out of your life. I’ve read some blissful blogs that made me more satisfied and taught me to appreciate what I’ve in my life.

It excites me when I find someone of my age, living some where else in this world, is talking about her life and I can somehow relate to it. I wonder how people can be so distant yet so close in terms of emotional attachment. And I go crazy if I find someone who can speak bangla and is from a complete different country or living a complete different life.

There’s a question spinning in my head for quite a sometime. Do women write more than men or I’m subconsciously inclined to women’ s blog? Most of the blogs I follow are written by women and their writings are fantastic. I’m glad that I’m living in an era when women are capable of doing so many exciting stuffs. It’s a pleasure hearing from women having different professions and how they are maintaining this maze called life.

All these stories from around the world made me think from a different angel sometimes, enriched me with some valuable words, comforted me showing there are more awesome people out there than I thought. I want to thank all my fellow bloggers for all their interesting, exciting, thought-provoking, motivating and out of the box write ups. 🙂

Well, I decided to rant here, in my blog, occasionally. And I promise after ranting I’ll post something nice and beautiful or thought provoking or something meaningful. Here goes my first ranting.

I’ve my finals coming. My university is believed to be the best university in this country but its system has some horrible defects. We don’t have any sort of academic calendar. I mean, we have. But that has never been followed. You can never have a plan of yours for a year. You will never know whether you’ll be having an exam or not in any particular month of the year. And the funniest thing is, in this process, you will never know when are you going to be a graduate. This is completely ridiculous.

‘My finals are coming’- I’ve been telling this sentence to everyone at least for one and a half months now. And I still don’t know when exactly is this exam going to be held. This makes it really hard for me to get prepared for the exam. I had postponed so many things and some of them will be completely cancelled. This is just not the way an university should run. They are failing to supply freshly graduate in the market, failing to run international exchange program with other universities and facing so many other problems as well.

The worst part is nobody cares. I stopped believing that this dysfunctional system will ever be changed. We tried. This is our junior year and we are trying this time too. But I’ve a very little hope and trust in our administration. This university seriously lacks leadership in its each and every sector. I’ll talk about it some other day. That’s all for today. I’m too pissed off about this exam thingy.