What do you get when take a perfectly good, if not all that thrilling, Japanese horror movie and remake it for an American audience that realllllly hates reading subtitles? Heck, just make the exact same movie, only this time use English-speaking actors, tone down the intensity, oh, and make sure you get that PG-13 rating!

After being somewhat unenthused about the "mega-hit instant classic" from Japan known as Ju-On: The Grudge, I was only casually interested in this, the inevitable American remake. Optimism dictated that perhaps my complaints about the original film (deadly slow pacing, insubstantial story, wifty characters) would be addressed in this retread. Maybe the translation via Hollywood studio would smooth out some of Ju-On's rough edges.

Sadly, nope. In fact, everything that's wrong with the original Grudge is repeated here. Literally. Plus this new version has the added detriment of Sarah Michelle Gellar in the lead role, which is like tying a lead balloon to a plywood statue. Those looking for a crafty plot, some nifty chills, and a handful of characters worth rooting for...you can look somewhere else. Those who just can't get enough of what we call "fake scares" - well, those folks should have a ball.

(A fake scare is an annoyingly cheap ploy, and it's something that's been making somewhat of a comeback these days. Imagine you paying me money to throw a cat at your head while you're fumbling through a dark hallway. And as soon as I toss the cat, I click play on my insta-shriek violin machine. Would you then look at me and say "Hey, quality scare there. That took some real ingenuity!" No. You'd call me an annoying jerk. And then you'd go pay 12 bucks to experience the same thing a dozen times in something like The Grudge.)

Right about here is where we generally get into that "plot synopsis" stuff, so here goes:

There's a haunted house in modern-day Japan.

There, that was easy.

The Grudge consists mainly of people (American people, don't forget, not Asian people!) wandering through the haunted house's hallways, only ocassionally bumping up against a chair or a cat or a creepy Asian kid with a weird haircut...and he also owns one of those insta-shriek violin machines!

Ms. Gellar wanders about, somewhat aimlessly, while doing her darndest to employ all three of the emotions at her disposal. (I caught her doing "skeptical", "confused" and one I'm pretty sure was "scared".) The background is populated by "Oh, that guy/girl was in.....!" character actors, though folks like Clea DuVall and Bill Pullman deliver maybe 19 lines apiece.

Nope, this show is all Gellar, the Loud Undead Asian Kids, and a house that croaks like a bullfrog in an iron lung. There's nothing here to root for one way or the other. The audience is not engaged in this guy escaping the house or that gal getting devoured but good. There's not much here but a barely-connected string of jolt-moments, some of which are fairly slick and successful, but they're not nearly enough to save a story this airy and dry.

But squeezing what was a pretty grim thriller into PG-13 affair was a stroke of genius. The October season combined with a relative dearth in horror fare guarantees this one a healthy opening weekend. Hey, with projects like this one...who even needs to write an original screenplay anymore?

If you consider sudden shrieks of music and pale Asian children the pinnacle of all things terrfiying, then "The Grudge" is your next favorite movie.