Abusive Husband Has Sense Of Humor About It

Family

OCEAN BEACH, NY—Moments after being called to the dining room table and briefed on a lengthy set of rules, local woman Shayla Meyer reported Tuesday that her relationship with Matt Brickell had apparently reached the point where she had to learn his family’s weird card games.

Family vacations can be a time for bonding and building lasting memories, but when young children are involved, trips can also be stressful to plan and execute. Here are The Onion’s tips for traveling with kids

DANBURY, CT—Saying she wants no part of the conversation that would inevitably result if she broke the good news, local medical billing technician Jenny Comers reported Friday that she’s keeping word of her recent pay raise from her parents out of fear of proving them right.

SKOKIE, IL—Convening several steps back from the hostess stand for an ad hoc round of discussions, members of the Kalpern family reportedly entered crisis talks Wednesday after learning that the wait for a table at the Cheesecake Factory would be 45 minutes.

ENCINITAS, CA—Proudly hauling her prized prey across the Holiday Inn Express’ patio Saturday afternoon, mother of three Bonnie Cohn reportedly dragged a pool lounge chair back to her awaiting family like a fresh kill, onlookers confirmed.

ST. PAUL, MN—Mentioning that there were some great deals on weekend round trips right now, local mother Carolyn Lynch reportedly recommended a previously unheard-of form of transportation Tuesday that her son could take to travel home.

NEW YORK—With the increasingly warm weather signaling the commencement of their age-old journey, millions of children across the North American continent began their annual summer migration to their fathers’ homes this week, sources confirmed.

ELKHART, IN—Saying that he likes to indulge her every once in a while, local man Wayne Timmons, 28, reportedly treated his mother to a small detail about his personal life during a phone conversation Thursday.

YOUNGSTOWN, OH—Fearing that their kids’ impressions of the experience could quite possibly remain with them for the rest of their lives, parents Joel and Bethany Weyandt told reporters Tuesday they are worried their children are old enough to remember the details of their recent family vacation.

ATLANTA—Feeling refreshed after three days of camping in Georgia’s Oconee National Forest, members of the Prendergast family confirmed Monday they had spent a relaxing weekend destroying the great outdoors.

FORT WORTH, TX—Saying they get their hopes up anytime they notice her looking particularly downhearted, siblings Paulo and Marisa Hernandez told reporters Wednesday they love it when their mother is sad enough to just order pizza.

ROCHESTER, NY—After sitting through an outdoor ceremony officiated by the groom’s best friend, local parents Scott and Linda McNeil were clinging to the lone religious element of their daughter’s wedding, sources confirmed Saturday.

BOULDER, CO—Expressing frustration over the dearth of options that met her high standards, local mother Shannon Gail confirmed Monday that she was still looking for a preschool that would focus exclusively on her son.

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

FOX CHAPEL, PA—Asserting that the gesture would mean a lot more coming from all of them, local unemployed man Jeff Thomas reportedly made one final push to his siblings Friday suggesting that they all go in together on a group Mother’s Day gift.

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

ALAMEDA, CA—Thinking back on the moments that brought him the most joy in his life, local 13-year-old Adam Poole reportedly spent Tuesday afternoon reminiscing about several of his fondest memories, all of which were instances when his father was trying to make up for something.

BOSTON—Pinpointing the phenomenon as the single greatest predictor of human mortality, a paper published Wednesday in The New England Journal Of Medicine has found that people with deceased family members run an extremely high risk of dying t...

CHARLOTTE, NC—Explaining how the 25-year-old’s personal and academic shortcomings had made their relationship with their parents far easier, siblings Eric and Theresa Conrad confided to reporters Friday that they were quietly relieved their ol...

POUGHKEEPSIE, NY—As they each attempted to avoid the responsibility while still upholding the appearance of selfless concern, the three adult siblings of the MacIntyre family engaged in a tense game of chicken to decide which of them would care for ...

GILBERT, AZ—Saying they couldn’t bear to see their boy upset, unhappy local couple Denise and Peter Gale resolved to stay together for the sake of one of their children, 7-year-old Daniel, sources reported Monday.

BUFFALO, NY—Providing sufficient time for him to strategize and make necessary preparations ahead of his son Brendan’s arrival, area father Thomas Glidewell reportedly received a highly sensitive communiqué Thursday providing advance in...

HARRISBURG, PA—Admitting separately that they couldn’t wait to get the ordeal over with, local sixth-grader Ethan Metcalfe and his grandfather Gerald Sonenberg expressed an equal level of dread to reporters Tuesday regarding their upcoming col...

Don’t Eat It

HARRISONBURG, VA—Saying there were plenty of other things to snack on, local mom Susan Weiss announced Friday that she has a plan for the tub of whipped cream in the refrigerator, so no one is allowed to eat it.

ST. PAUL, MN—Admitting there really wasn’t anyone else who came to mind as a viable option, local 32-year-old Emma Weir told reporters Tuesday that she has few enough friends to consider confiding in her younger sister.

MCKINNEY, TX—Instructing him to inquire about everything from his occasional sinus problems to his thyroid levels, local mother Kim Swailes provided her 32-year-old son Patrick Swailes with a list of questions to ask his doctor ahead of an upcoming ...

BOWLING GREEN, OH—With their father marking the start of an important new phase in his life, the children of local man Barry Hunt told reporters they got a bit teary-eyed after helping the 49-year-old move into his first apartment Thursday.
Teenager...

SANTA CRUZ, CA—Saying that she wanted to be as fair as possible, local mother Joyce Ferrario told reporters Tuesday that she is trying her best to project equal amounts of insecurity onto her three teenage girls.

HERSHEY, PA—Noting the unprecedented display of effort, Harrington family sources confirmed Thursday that Uncle Jeff put a lot more thought than usual into the gift cards he bought for everyone this Christmas.

MARBLEHEAD, MA—Expressing appreciation for the more relaxed and cheerful atmosphere, members of the Shaw family confirmed Thursday that the first holiday season without grandmother Ethel Shaw had been absolutely incredible.

RICHMOND, VA—Saying that several of them had learned the hard way, members of the Gordon family confirmed to reporters Friday that they knew damn well not to believe Mom’s little bullshit speech about not giving gifts this Christmas.

ELIZABETHTOWN, PA—Voicing displeasure at her blatant disregard for his privacy, area teenager Chad Fleming reported Wednesday that he is fed up with his mother always barging into his room to put away freshly washed laundry.

CHARLOTTE, NC—Progressing swiftly through the same topics but in far less detail, local man Ian Miller’s four-minute phone call with his father Monday was reportedly just a watered-down version of the conversation he’d had moments earlie...

TAUNTON, MA—Noting the limited number of gifts requested and the omission of the year’s most popular toys, sources confirmed Wednesday that 12-year-old David Huffman’s Christmas list demonstrates a heartbreaking awareness of his family...

WASHINGTON—After visiting their parents over the long Thanksgiving weekend, millions of holiday travelers reportedly returned to their daily lives Monday having completely caught up on the CBS procedural crime drama The Mentalist.

ALEXANDRIA, MN—Admitting their disbelief at how tall and strong the 13-year-old has gotten since last year, members of the local Gunderson family confirmed Thursday that younger cousin Will Gunderson’s growth spurt has completely thrown off th...

WHEATON, IL—Uttering surprised exclamations and smiling in amazement at her wrinkled, wizened frame shortly after she arrived for the Thanksgiving holiday, every member of the Hostig family complimented their grandmother, Judith Hostig, on how small...

FALMOUTH, ME—Shaking their heads at the dense numbskull’s completely idiotic priorities, sources confirmed Friday that moron stepfather Jeffrey Ryan, 36, is taking care of a 3-year-old child who does not even possess his genetic material.

MANCHESTER, CT—Following an evening out at a local restaurant with his girlfriend, Emily Lynch, and her parents, 27-year-old Jeff Platt reportedly worked up the courage Thursday morning to tentatively take a shot at bad-mouthing her family for the f...

TRUMBULL, CT—Saying it’s the only time of day when everyone can be together in one place, the Gleason family confirmed Thursday that it strictly forbids smartphones to be used while eating dinner in front of the television.

SCHENECTADY, NY—In a highly disappointing development expected to put a damper on the entire holiday weekend, sources within the Cunningham family confirmed Tuesday that none of the good cousins are coming to this year’s Thanksgiving gathering...

EDMOND, OK—Merrily describing the contrast in stature as “a giant next to a leprechaun,” members of the Copeland family Friday reportedly took the deepest delight in the nearly 9-inch height difference between Linda Copeland, 43, and her...

STERLING HEIGHTS, MI—Saying he had displayed a remarkable level of dedication and persistence in recent weeks, members of Patrick Malliner’s family admitted Tuesday that they were impressed by the extra effort the 51-year-old father of two has...

ALBANY, NY—Speaking with reverence about how rampant and devastating the disease once was, local grandfather Raymond Murphy reportedly appeared to be proud Monday of how many people were killed by polio during his childhood.

HYATTSVILLE, MD—With the harsh economic climate making it harder than ever to juggle the costs of two households, a report released Friday by the National Center for Health Statistics has found that more Americans are waiting until later in life to ...

AURORA, IL—Noting its impressive collection of shops, restaurants, and transit options during a phone call with her daughter, local mother Carol Wingfield expressed her admiration for Phoenix Sky Harbor International Airport in the strongest terms, ...

SEATTLE—Deftly switching from topic to topic from the moment he answered his phone until ending the call 20 minutes later, local man Andrew Heltman reportedly spent the entirety of a recent conversation with his parents changing the subject.

WASHINGTON—Stressing the importance of being able to financially support their kids during one of the most significant periods in their lives, a growing number of parents are opting to put aside money for their children’s unemployment, a repor...

MENLO PARK, CA—As part of their efforts to accommodate women who wish to delay parenthood, Facebook officials announced Wednesday that the company will offer financial assistance for female employees to freeze their newborn children.

CHAMPAIGN, IL—According to a study published this week by researchers at the University of Illinois, an individual’s ability to get a good night’s sleep may be directly influenced by having made a decision 20 years ago to walk out on the...

BOLTON, VT—Saying it’s important for parents to avoid simply passing their own neuroses on to their children, area mother Tricia Eakins told reporters Monday she believes in taking a hands-off approach and letting her kids develop their own ps...

PORTLAND, OR—Pointing out the Portland Art Museum and the farmers market in Shemanski Park as he guided them around downtown, area 25-year-old Daniel Hurst reportedly spent Thursday afternoon taking his visiting parents on a tour of the city he expr...

PAOLI, PA—Repeating their request that he take several days off from his job and fly home, local parents Mike and Debra Snyder, who have significantly more time and financial resources than their 26-year-old son Marc Snyder, inquired Monday about th...

SAN LUIS OBISPO, CA—Despite spending as many as 80 hours a week at the office, local father Michael Henderson told reporters Thursday that, given his son’s lack of ambition and general mediocrity, he has only missed one or two accomplishments ...

BEDFORD, NH—Acknowledging a look in her eyes that sometimes makes them think she may actually be registering things, the family of local grandmother Janice Humphries expressed anxiety Tuesday that the 93-year-old nursing home resident might be aware...

CLAYTON, NC—Emphasizing that the seasonal attractions would be scary and dark, the nation’s younger cousins held a press conference Friday announcing their intention to cry at haunted houses this year.

PORTSMOUTH, NH—Saying they did not want her to miss out on the experiences of a sibling relationship, local parents Cathleen and Eric Patterson told reporters Wednesday they are considering having a second child to give their daughter someone to gro...

NAMPA, ID—From the photos she would have wanted displayed beside her casket to the song the organist should play as mourners arrive, the posthumous wishes of Evelyn Palantz have changed markedly during the planning of her funeral, sources reported W...

BURLINGTON, VT—Inspired by the steadfast support of family and friends, local unpublished writer Steven Franklin is motivated to continue struggling desperately for the foreseeable future, sources close to the 32-year-old confirmed Wednesday.

RUCKERSVILLE, VA—Citing the recent finalization of Laura’s divorce from her husband of 12 years, sources within the Bronwyn household confirmed Tuesday that the family’s Democratic majority is now in serious jeopardy.

WALNUT CREEK, CA—Explaining that her workouts at Flywheel Sports always leave her feeling balanced and reenergized, local mother of three Karen Madison told reporters Monday that her twice-weekly spin class was the only thing keeping her from drivin...

RENO, NV—Alarmed at the growing length and frequency of their conversations, local woman Patricia Hensley, 28, expressed concern Monday that her mother, Betty Hensley, may now consider her a trusted confidant.

LINCOLN, NE—Claiming that the third-grader refuses to acknowledge anyone else’s involvement in the situation, sources confirmed Monday that egocentric 8-year-old Dylan Fielder blames the divorce of his parents entirely on himself.

STOUGHTON, MA—From his aversion to using plastic bags to his refusal to eat bread and other foods containing gluten, every one of local man Joshua Pell’s life priorities is reportedly baffling to his grandfather, Everett Pell, sources confirme...

ELMHURST, IL—A study released Wednesday by the American Hearing Research Foundation has found that humans’ sense of hearing is most acute when listening to an argument between one’s parents from the top of a staircase.

HAMILTON, OH—Noting that she had made a lot of bold proclamations in recent months regarding upcoming birthdays and future vacations, family members of local grandmother Abigail Stapleton told reporters Wednesday that the 88-year-old is talking some...

According to the CDC, more women than ever are waiting to have children until they are 35 or older, when they have completed their educations and are more financially stable, though doctors warn that having children later in life can lead to health com...

BALTIMORE—According to a study released Wednesday by sociologists at Johns Hopkins University, an increasing number of parents across the country are relying on their own mothers and fathers to help them fuck up their children.

ROGERS, MN—Smiling and offering commentary throughout the visit, local employee Jason Aldrich reportedly brought his 7-year-old son to his office Tuesday, giving the young boy a chance to see where his dad is humiliated and stripped of his manhood o...

APPLETON, WI—Saying that the unfamiliar brand was different from what he was used to, local preteen Nicholas Fischer told reporters Monday that eating a strange new breakfast cereal had really set the tone for the first weekend at his recently divor...

GRAND FORKS, ND—Expressing their deep disappointment with his behavior and lifestyle, local parents Jeff and Susan Lindegaard told reporters Tuesday that they are simply unable to accept anything about their 24-year-old son Henry aside from his homo...

METHUEN, MA—Saying that he can already picture them calling him up at all hours and feeding him their sad sack stories to try to win his sympathy, 37-year-old local man Shawn DeWeese told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which of his relative...

COLORADO SPRINGS, CO—Saying that she still strictly enforces household rules and closely monitors where he goes with friends, high school junior and youngest of three siblings Rob Shearer told reporters this week that he had kind of assumed his moth...

COUNCIL BLUFFS, IA—Preferring not to dictate the specifics of his social exclusion, progressive local parents Brad and Monica Tull are letting their son Josh choose his own method of being loathed and mocked by his peers, the couple reported Monday.

HAGERSTOWN, MD—Standing firmly behind his preference by delivering a sequence of fervent and well-reasoned arguments, local child Ben Greenewalt reportedly pleaded Friday for the Holland Lop rabbit his family recently acquired to be named Aunt Susan...

RIVERTON, WY—Speaking at its annual summit held around the charcoal grill behind the Dillon family home, the country’s leading coalition of slightly tipsy cousins released its 2014 greatest nation on earth rankings to relatives at a backyard b...

HARRISBURG, PA—While checking his phone shortly after arriving at work today, local man Scott Teresi was reportedly gripped by a sudden sense of abject terror upon noticing he had missed a call from his father at 9:09 a.m.

OGDENSBURG, NY—Praising its vibrant visual effects and declaring multiple songs “absolute showstoppers,” local aunt Treena Warner, 53, informed extended family members for the ninth consecutive year that the Broadway musical Wicked...

FREDERICK, VA—Scoffing at the idea of letting some so-called expert charge him an arm and a leg, local father Dave Gordin told reporters Wednesday that he is fully capable of fixing his marriage himself.

BOSTON—Realizing that the short, rehearsed speech had not been revised to reflect recent changes in his life, 29-year-old marketing associate Alex Hansen confirmed Wednesday that he had updated the little monologue he delivers every time a member of...

They’re In A Fight Or Something

SEWICKLEY, PA—Noting the abrupt cessation of nightly phone calls and general references to her longtime confidante, household sources confirmed Wednesday that something is evidently going on between local mom Catherine Bowen, 51, and her best friend...

SAN FRANCISCO—Setting down her newspaper at the sound of the young child’s voice, House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi reportedly rushed into her living room Thursday to hear her grandson say his first talking point.

Just Like Everything Else!: Fox
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Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

ELKHART, IN—Saying even the tiniest moment of leisure counted, local man Brian Rabe told reporters Sunday that he was attempting to wring every last drop of relaxation from the single day that remained of his time off from work.

Family

Abusive Husband Has Sense Of Humor About It

CARUTHERSVILLE, MO—It would be easy for abusive husband Glenn Osteen to complain. Out of breath, fists bruised and bloodied from repeated strikes against bone, one would almost expect the 39-year-old to surrender to frustration, to scream out in anger and demand that his wife unlock the bathroom door. Fortunately, Osteen's learned the secret to getting through rough times: a sense of humor.

Osteen, with his "best friend," after a particularly grueling&#8212;and frustrating&#8212;beating.

"Let's face it, the daily grind can be brutal," says Osteen as he rummages through his battered old toolbox for a pipe wrench. "The way I see it, either you let your wife's broken jaw get under your skin and make you miserable, or you just roll with the punches and try to make the best of an already bad situation."

"Why beat yourself up about something you have no control over?" Osteen adds, kicking down the bathroom door on his sixth attempt and tossing the wrench playfully from hand to hand. "It's like the old saying: If you can't laugh at life, then chances are you're living it wrong."

Hours later, sitting in his favorite armchair while wife Samantha silently prepares a warmer and more conservatively seasoned dinner, Osteen admits he wasn't always able to see the funny side of life.

"I used to spend days feeling sorry for myself, wondering how things might've turned out if I'd married a woman who actually listened for a change," says Osteen, who admits he used to take domestic abuse too seriously. "Then one night—I don't know whether it was the sight of Samantha desperately trying to crawl toward the phone or the way the blood running out her nose formed that ridiculous-looking mustache—I suddenly burst out laughing."

Adds Osteen: "The whole situation can seem so insane sometimes, it's almost impossible not to crack up."

Armed with the newfound knowledge that it's useless to get upset about a situation that he "can't do anything to change," Osteen refuses to let life's ups and downs stop him from enjoying some of his favorite activities. Whether drinking excessively at his regular bar every evening or closing himself off in the basement to watch hour upon hour of silent pornography on his antique film projector, Osteen can often be heard making light of his circumstances.

"I don't know how he does it," says Robert Hodge, a longtime friend of the couple. "If I was in his position, I don't think I'd be able to kid around about biting my wife in the head. I would probably have a hard time discussing it at all."

Osteen bashfully admits that his antics sometimes backfire—like the time he became so paranoid that Samantha was out with her coworker, David, that he spent the entire evening driving around trying to catch them together, only to find her at her sister's house. As a result, Osteen missed most of the much-anticipated Lions–Bears football game.

"Man, that was a real kick in the gut," Osteen says with a chuckle. "But I guess we both got what we deserved."

While he manages to joke about his bad luck most of the time, Osteen admits there are days—such as last Thursday, when Samantha used too much starch in his best dress shirt—when it's still difficult to laugh off his lot in life.

"There are always going to be those moments when you lose sight of the humor in the situation and just clench your fists in frustration," Osteen says. "What's important is being able to take a step back, quickly pull down the living room blinds, and try to keep things in perspective."

In the end, Osteen says, it's all relative.

"As tough as it is, there's always someone out there who has it a lot worse than you," adds Osteen. "Fortunately, Samantha is there to remind me of that."