Charm and Harm

Oh the Charm of the Sociopath. The seductiveness, the right words said, the professions of love, and all their achievements. The talks of a wonderful life spent together. Their tendency to be engaging, verbally facile. The Sociopath is unlike anyone you have ever met before. They are your soul mate. The One you have been looking for.

Such amazing memories made. The incredible sex, the hours upon hours of conversations, simple seductive text messages. Maybe even words of love posted on social media accounts. Your Sociopath is just simply perfect. Their Charm is so believable. Their words, their passion unlike any you have heard or felt before. And all this happens so quickly. You find yourself opening up your heart & soul to them unlike any person before them. You have constant thoughts of them, you cannot wait to see them, or hear their voice. You smile when you see a text or email from them. Life is grand! It’s magical!

Hold on……………the Harm is coming!!

You wake up one day and the magic is gone! Something is happening in the relationship. Heated arguments, everything you once agreed on is now not agreeable. The Sociopaths actions are now different. They are cruel with words and actions. They start disappearing with no reasonable explanation of why. Their cell phone is an extension of their hands, and they seem to have a lot of ‘friends’ that you knew nothing about. Somehow now, everythingis your fault. You ‘don’t do this, or don’t give that’. The sex is no longer as passionate as it was in the beginning. Silently and methodically the Sociopath is tearing you apart mentally and emotionally. This is the harm they do to you without any accountability. You find yourself begging/pleading with them to find out ‘what is/was happening’. Your daily thoughts are about them and where and how it all went wrong. Are you really the person they said you are? NO! You are NOT!! A Sociopath projects onto you all of their faults as they perceive them. In their grand delusional world, they are perfect, without fault, and never,ever wrong! Therefore, this gaslighting is what they do so as not to have to admit there is anything wrong with them.

A common, very common factor with almost 100% of Sociopaths is, there is always someone else on the side. Another supply source. Another common factor is porn, or websites where the Sociopaths meet someone, all of course behind your back. As they all live dual-triple lifestyles, this is their constant forward motion. Not having to look back at the Tsunami of emotional hell they have left you in. Why do they do this? Were they born this way? They do it because they simply cannot bond with another human in the same fashion as you. I know you think to yourself ‘how can that be? How can they just walk away and not hurt”. Because they refuse to acknowledge any wrong-doing. A Narcissistic Sociopath has the innate ability to not feel love, compassion, empathy. Period. No matter the amount of begging and pleading with them to tell you ‘why’, they simply don’t even think there is/was a ‘why’…..they just move on to the next person. Are they born a Sociopath? No, somewhere in their formative years, there was something/someone who caused an emotional disconnection in them. Why does this happen? Who knows, as studies are continually being done to get to the root cause. But it’s hard, because a Sociopath can and does manipulate therapist. They also lie on questionnaires.

During and after this harm phase you want the Sociopath to hurt just like they hurt you. You tend to focus on ‘how can I make them see what they did to me? How can I make them hurt like they hurt me? How can I ruin their life like they ruined mine? What did I do to deserve this mental/emotional {sometimes financial & physical harm}? You did nothing except open your heart and soul to them. You swallowed their spoonful of lies over and over. You kept your mouth shut as to not have another argument. Basically you just became a nothing of who you once were. After this stage of Harm, it is up to you to start healing. How do you do that? First and foremost recognize the person you thought you were in love with never existed. They are a walking/talking/breathing illusion of someone they want to be. You cannot fix them. You cannot change them. Their core being is an illusion. Focusing your thoughts on wanting to hurt them actually has a reverse effect, it only hurts you more because deep down you know you can’t hurt them. Nothing you say or do will have any affect. Nothing. The one thing that does have an affect on a Sociopath is to see you go about life as if they did nothing to you. And also exposure. That to them is control. Yes, it’s a mental and emotional hell, one that you think you will never recover from. But you will. One day at a time……very slowly the pieces of the Charm and Harm puzzle will start to come together and you will realize, it was not you, it was them all along who caused this. And the only way to stop the hurt is to put in place NO CONTACT. If you don’t, you will continue to be on the crazy train to nowhere.

Every day we have plenty of opportunities to get angry, stressed or offended. But what you’re doing when you indulge these negative emotions is giving someone outside yourself power over your happiness joel osteen

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31 Responses to “Charm and Harm”

I’m so confused! One minute I’m reading all the posts on discard and no contact and I try and grasp the reality that he’s really gone this time i found out about another “other women” and for the first time he said he cares about this one and he wants her not me.. And how could he possibly choose me when he”s family hate me after the way I’ve behaved ? So I cried and lost sleep and FINALLY after 3 weeks or so and a few visits with a pyschologist reached a point where I could function day to day and now he keeps dropping me random txts saying how do you feel about dinner and what are you doing, where are you, calls in the middle of the night ??? I don’t understand ?? What could he possibly want from me ? Again ????

RelievedItsOver, what he wants from you is exactly what you are allowing! You have got to BLOCK HIM. Stop feeding him. Everytime you reply to a text or phone call, that gives him that feeling of power and control over you. That is how a Sociopath operates. There will always be another ‘other woman’, always. Until you stop the contact, you will continue to be in the mindset and the hell you are in. Take back the control over your life. You cannot fix him. You cannot love him enough to change him. All you can do is start working on healing you!

Hello my dear friend Gerry! Thank you for the wonderful wishes for 2015, likewise to you. And for my reader’s, you should check out Gerry’s blog. She writes about spirituality, depression, healing etc. There have been many times I have had a craptastic day & I’ve read one of her post which always seem to brighten my day a bit. ❤

Tela, you have a way with words and are spot on each time. Kudos to you and I humbly thank you for sharing yourself with us. Being in Santaland (you will understand) I wish I could bring gifts to you across the Atlantic. You are great, you are really awesome.And THANK YOU.

Wow… Powerful post! And I love the name, “Charm and Harm”. You nailed it. Perfect description. I had never heard it put that way but charm and harm it is. It is amazing how they can change…like a light switch. Thanks for all that you do to bring awareness.

Indeed the lightswitch, which leaves victims (I am one) searching in the dark for that lightswitch like a blind fool. The charm usually is that initial time when they get their claws into you, we, as Tela points out, yell out…wow this is the one, where have you been all my life (actually that is the real question coming to think of it…where have they been…and I certainly never got that question answered…instead some convuluted story that I became so confused by…a went c, then came back from b, who was with g, but g had h and now there was s and t but t did this so….you get the drift).

Then the harm comes in, the disregard, the abuse (mental and physical in my case) the lies, the twists and finally (can only speak for myself) was hoping for the Charm phase…and that never really returns…and so we adapt to their theatrics and their bullshit…because that is what it is…total illusional bullshit, but they live it, roll in it, suck it up and then dish it out. One message in the aftermath could be…Happy New Year, and within seconds you miserable xyz it is all your fault. Charm and Harm…

Very adequately worded Tom…..the convoluted bullshit of the spinning in their heads, never knowing what’s going to be coming out of their mouths {charm or harm}. Never knowing when they will disappear for hours {or days at a time} with no plausible {AND TRUTHFUL reason. Thank you for your great comment.

You are so right. Charm and Harm is exactly what they do. Get their claws into their victim and then the abuse begins. So many of us have been pawns in this game that they play with victims hearts. Total control and manipulation. I am so sorry that this has happened to you, like so many of us… like getting trapped in a spiders web, a web of lies and deceit. I continue to pray for healing and restoration to all victims.

Hello. I have just read the charm and harm post, thanks for posting it Tela. That post was so spot on I had to comment to let you know. In the charm period he called and text wonderful poems of love he copied off the internet, he said I front of me and his friends that I was bold, confident and the best girl in the world, sex was over stated, even though I had better(he he), he took me out and wanted to be with me all the time. Then months later he called me a dirty slag for going to lunch with my man friend, then called my best friend a whore, he then went on to say I was dragged up, I’m no good, he even made his next source of supply call me names when I discovered her(an immigrant), she cursed me for him. He convinced me he would never be with an immigrant never, but that was his bit on the side for 20 years, I quizzed her and she opened up, crying for closure from him. I have learnt that she is still with him, she knows no better. Even before the post, I still feel emotional pain. Panick attacks etc. but I still keep myself good and go about my life, I see him on the road and he looks at me with piercing bulging eyes only to intimidate me, this does not work as I still have to see my family. I go there with no regrets cause I have done nothing wrong. I’m still on no contact and loving the peace I have found. I have not exposed him cause he has made sure that no one he know contacts or talk to me while I’m on the high street. He has told a nasty lie about me, and it got back to a family member of mine. It goes like this. I lost my husband to cancer 15 years ago, which was painful to say the least, apparently He has told a lot of people that I killed my husband and the law has caught up on me. And now I’m in prison. I was shocked and upset to know the depravity these sociopaths would go to, to explain my disappearance from him. So sad I thought. I’ve done nothing more than get on with my life same way ha ha. Everything you have posted is spot on, keep posting because we have all been through it some way or another. He is sick and I bet everyone in his community knows it. He probably is on a social site looking for his victims. I’m glad I found this site and got away fast. It’s two years in August 2015, hurray!! Never again, it’s only now my head is starting to settle down from the last spin it was in with him. Thanks Tela.

Thank you Karen for sharing. I had to read your comment twice, the part about your husband and what the PATHETIC DISGUSTING SOCIOPATH has said to people about you ‘killing him’. I am actually speechless. I do know that Sociopaths have no depths of smear they use, but this has to be one of the worst things I have heard or read that an Ex-Sociopath said about their partner. I am truly sorry that you were a victim of such a vile/viscous horrible person! I will tell you I can relate to your comment the Ex not being with an immigrant as my Ex {i had to use my as I want no association with him} always told me he would not be with a person who was not Caucasian. So imagine my surprise when I found out he was married twice, to black women. LOL {and i put lol because when we met he would call black people such vile names}, then come to find out he had been “dating” Hispanic women {again, you can imagine the names he called them}. So for him to call you a dirty slag was and is BLAME SHIFTING. Projecting back onto you what he/himself actually is! ❤

Thank you for your comment Desidivorced. That is one of the hardest things about moving past the relationship. We want them to HURT truly, deeply HURT like they did to you, me, everyone. But the harsh reality is, there is absolutely NOTHING you can say to hurt them. The Sociopath is completely removed emotionally & mentally~ there is no connection in their heart of the feelings of love, compassion, honesty, accountability etc. They do however, fear exposure….making sure to use the

I initiated the ” no contact” rule after being manipulated for four and a half years. It failed though. I was pulled back in, told how wonderful I was and how I had hurt him before so he was FORCED to go back to the old girlfriend of 20 years! Now 3 months later it’s the same again. I was fabulous BUT we just need to date and have fun! He is 70 years old. I am 66 and divorced my husband for him 5 years ago because he said he loved me do much and we were going to have this wonderful life together! I just keep wanting to believe him. He is SO charming, says his much fun I am, on and on but will NOT make any plans got the future, ever. I ended it AGAIN today because I know it is useless, he will never want a real life with me. I am sticking by the “No Contact.” Rule forever, no matter how charming he pretends to be.mhowever,meh always says it’s all my fault, he has NEVER been wrong about anything!! I feel like I have ruined and wasted my life for this person who has used me and my love for him for the entire time I have known him!! I pray I NEVER contact him again and can find some peace in my remaining years!

Belle, I thought about you & your comment all day. I have to say, that I am astounded that at 70 years old that man the ex, never realized what his horrid behaviour has done his entire life. When he told you ‘you hurt him, therefore he was forced to go back to the ex’ is called BLAME SHIFTING. You can read more about that on my site. I am very proud of you for putting in place the NO CONTACT. It is imperative to keep that in place, along with your boundaries so that you can begin to heal from his master manipulation of your emotional and mental well-being. He will NEVER change Belle, never!! Please, I know you think of all the charming words said, the fun times, the ILLUSION of the life he made you believe you 2 would have. You have not ruined nor wasted your life. You gave yourself blindly to a vile/viscous no conscience man. And no matter what words you were to say to him, he will die a Sociopath. Keep praying and asking The Lord for strength, mental & emotional. You will get there, just do not break the no contact. You are no longer his puppet on a string to be yanked! ❤

Thank you , Tela. I know I sound like a lunatic at my age to fall for someone like this. I guess you are right. I fell for an illusion of the person he pretends to be. I ended it nicely, I said he obviously doesn’t want a serious ,(marriage) with me. I said he just wants someone to date forever, like he has done for 20 years with the former girlfriend.,I told him I loved him and wanted what he promised me 5 years ago when I divorced my husband for him, marriage and a life together. He texted me back that I was just after his money, has told me Inever loved him, that I don’t want to work. I am a retired dental hygienist, I worked forever. He still,works, in fact that’s his main interst. All he wants is some woman to work for him, sleep with him and really have enough of her own money so he won’t need to pay for anything. He does pay when we go out but he complains to his employees how much he has to,pay for dinners, movies etc. btw, he is very well off and so was the long term girlfriend. She paid her own way when they went out a lot, plus she cooked nightly for him. He goes and eats, watches TV with her and then goes home.msays he has never loved her, but yet this time around when he came back to me he continued to call her regularly. I ask him not to, he agreed, but of course he later admitted he would always be friends with her and call her! She is the executes of his will. I feel like I am just someone,to,have some fun with again, like before, to,have a physical relationship with, and to never make any plans for a future., so, I ended it like I said. However, he texted me back and we have continued to text. He says horrible things to me and I respond back likewise. It’s pointless, he doesn’t think he has done anything wrong, never has. Tonight is the LAST time I am ever responding to him. I think he has made me crazy. I can’t seem to get away from him!! I need help!!!!!!

Belle, thank you for the follow up comment. I think you are coming to the realization that no matter what you say or do, you CANNOT change him, nor can you MAKE him have a fully committed relationship with only you. The best thing is to put in place NO CONTACT and stick with it. Yes! I know that it is very, very difficult as your mind tends to wander back to the ‘good times’ or ‘maybe if I said this he will (______) fill in the blank’. His behaviour has been in place for apparently many, many years, & you, sadly, were just another supply source for him. He knew full well going into the relationship that is was not for the long term. He will continue to say horrible things to you because you are enabling him to {meaning staying in contact}. Now it’s about you! Read this

post about Boundaries. You are not crazy, you have just been emotionally & mentally abused by a horrific non-caring Sociopath! Hang in there!!! ❤

The internet is a sociopath heaven for them. It’s a dream come true. They have more power using technology and digital communication. Fantastic in the beginning and yeah suddenly the fantasy world crumbles down. Then there’s the imaginary “accident” then the chain reaction begins. They grasp ones empathy. The more you help the more they punish. The more you love the more they hate.

Hello,
The charm and harm tactic can also be used by sociopathic parents.Unfortunately,i’m the daughter of such abusers.They use this tactic right after i have a fight with them,in which i expose their lies.Immediately after,they are on their best behavior for a while.All of a sudden,they speak kindly and they shower me with money and all sorts of gifts.I even wonder if i’m the crazy exagerating too sensitive one.Then the other shoe drops and my nightmare starts all over again.Gaslighting and crazymaking at their worst!

Hi Laura, thank you for your comment. Yes! You are so correct that parent’s do this exact Charm And Harm. It’s as though their children are puppets and they pull the strings. There is no real love. The manipulation of being kind, then cruel, the back and forth can make you think you are the one crazy. But your not! I’m sorry that you have lived your life as a child of Sociopaths. You have the ability to make yourself better than them, mentally healthy! Please do not let them hold you back.