Pirate John

Hollywood, CA USA

Not your typical pirate, in fact a pirate by blood rather than by character, John was once a member of the rather shady and not quite honorable ship Scourge under the equally dark and not quite nice Pirate Captain Curmudgeon - the man to whom he was rumored to be the son of the second cousin of the fifth brother removed to, but to whom he really didn’t look much like. This was something that slightly bothered him as he thought that families normally resembled each other, but couldn’t remember any other family that he’d ever had instead.

As sometimes family members do, even with very far related possibly not related at all family members, Pirate John and Captain Curmudgeon didn’t always see eye-to-eye, particularly with the one eye the Captain had left. Perhaps it was because the Captain only came up to John’s chin or that the Captain liked gummy worms while John liked fresh organic fruit or, possibly, that the Captain loved to hit people while John preferred to help people… but whatever it was, the Captain made it very clear that John was not like the others on the crew and for that he was a bad pirate, and not in the complimentary way!

Despite somewhat failing in the Captain’s many attempted lessons in sword stabbing and throat slitting, Pirate John did have two particularly redeeming features in the eyes of the Captain: he was one of the strongest men on the crew and he was absolutely astounding with pirate attire and accessories. While the pirate crew of the Scourge was dark, shady, and altogether very bad influence, they were, with John’s help, some of the best dressed pirates to ever sail the seven seas, and that, for a while, kept John safe.

Unfortunately good fashion can only get you so far in life and one dreadfully bright and sunny day the Captain and crew were delighted to discover an abandoned boat near a small chain of islands. It was a prize day at sea! The Captain was so excited that he ordered one of his spare pirate flags to be brought to him and demanded that Pirate John hoist it on the newly found ship. Always trying to be helpful, John did as the Captain ordered and pulled down a particularly colorful flag from the ship’s mast.

As the flag rested in his hands he marveled at its bright colors of navy blue, cardinal red, and ivory white with fifty beautifully embroidered stars all set off with a dash of cheerfully swaying bright gold fringe. With shock he realized that a very long time ago, when he was just a boy on a bright summer day he’d seen such a flag before!

John’s sudden surge of memories were sadly interrupted by the Captain’s roaring to “get a move on” and “throw that rubbish out” and, for the first time that any of the Scourge’s crew could remember, John roared back!

Tucking the newly found flag in to his belt Pirate John attacked the bully with lightning-fast reflexes and let his fists fly. What a briny brawl ensued! As punches were thrown and legs were tripped it looked like John’s fight with the Captain might actually succeed, but at the final moment, the Captain tag-teamed with his mates to distract John while he hit him from behind, sending the pirate flying over the railing and down to the cold waters below.

You might think, dear reader, that as most pirates actually dislike water, this would mean that John would be surely done for, but that was where you are wrong. You see, John had, by chance, found a book called Fitness, Swimming, and Lifeguarding in a prior piratical raid. Fascinated by how people could become strong and help others, he’d been studying the book and all of its illustrations and instructions on how to swim.

(c) Pirate John

With one last look at the departing ships he started kicking through the water to swim to the closest island where he finally collapsed with his prized flag on the sand. You might then think that now this was the end of our pirate, but that’s also not true, for sometimes bad days can become good days when the right people – or merpeople – happen to swim by.

On this particular day Catalina Mermaid and some of her fin friends were out swim training for the Mermaid Half Marathon and happened to see a flutter of colors wave from the beach’s sand. Now, while mermaids tend to stay out of the sight of strangers, they are by nature curious creatures, and have had a particular weakness for the thought of finding random, handsome, unconscious men on beaches ever since The Little Mermaid came out. They just had to flop up the beach to investigate.

We’re not quite sure who was more surprised when John woke up, but we do know this – the pirate and the mermaids hit it off right away and the mermaids, well, they needed a strong assistant because flipping your fins on land really doesn’t get you far. In the end they offered to take their new friend home to Los Angeles where John was finally able to be the nice and altogether helpful pirate that he was always meant to be.