Jennifer Aniston Wears a Bikini on Vacation, and the Inevitable Pregnancy Rumors Fly

“Can I live?!?!” Kim Kardashian West once asked in a tweet. When it comes to Jennifer Aniston being photographed wearing bikinis, much like Kim in that particular moment, no, Aniston most certainly cannot live. She can’t eat. She can’t sit. She can’t do anything besides have washboard-flat abs. If, heaven forbid, she has even the tiniest hint of a stomach, our nation’s pre-eminent sad, childless woman is immediately declared as pregnant by the media.

In fact, Aniston’s alleged pregnancy is a top-trending topic on Facebook right now. Some outlets are hedging, with headlines that say “sparks new pregnancy rumors.” They have to put “new” in there, because by our estimates, Jennifer Aniston has been reported as pregnant for the past 20 years of her life. She can live, but only if she’s gestating a fetus. It’s the only way the tabloids believe our minds can be at rest—knowing that finally, at long last, Aniston will get the child she has spoken candidly about wanting.

InTouch is taking a more direct approach. The tabloid says they have confirmation from a source that Aniston is definitely expecting her first child with husband Justin Theroux. The cover of the latest issue features the supposed baby-bump-baring bikini photos, which again, might just be the result of a large meal or a camera angle or any number of things. Aniston and Theroux are clearly trying to enjoy a private vacation, and instead there they are, proud new parents on the cover of a magazine.

But guess what? Those large meal rumors are the real story here. Aniston’s rep has confirmed to Entertainment Tonight that she isn’t with child. “She is not pregnant. Shame on InTouch for making up the whole story, but this is not the first time they have done so. What you see is her having just enjoyed a delicious big lunch and her feeling safe on private property.”