The Edmonton Oilers Are Like That Ugly, Rich Girl In High School

I do some of my best thinking when I’m angry. So, I was reading about the Oilers and it got me thinking…

Did you know this girl in high school? The one you would never date but her daddy was rich, she wore nice clothes, drove a real nice car, was popular and hung out with the “hot” versions of the other rich girls but she came with two major drawbacks – one she was ugly and two she thought she was all that because of her family’s money. I knew this girl in high school and her name was Edie (pronounced “EE-DEE”). More and more, I think the Edmonton Oilers are her.

Edie dated this kid. Everybody knew him and he was well liked. Not really a jock but a good athlete, had a 70’s hairstyle which we could never figure out but it worked for him, some even thought he and Edie were a good fit together and she had finally found someone compatible but for some reason, out of the blue, she dumped him. Poor guy, he cried and cried, he must have really liked her, go figure. He started dating other girls and finally landed a hot little mama from L.A. whose daddy was even more rich but who had some emotional baggage, was kind of that dumb smart girl who could never really get out of her own way and get it together but knew how to party and was fun. Anyway, back on topic, he ended up cheating on the L.A. girl and he got back together with Edie. She seemed happy. He was happy or so we thought until we heard she may dump him again…as long as we don’t have to watch the fucker cry, we don’t care. Ryan Smyth.

Edie landed this big, strapping guy, football player type, QB, boy was he an asshole but the girls swooned over him. Not sure how the hell she got him but there was a rumor it was a family affair and it was good for his image to stop banging the sluts and strippers and instead go out with someone of equal financial yolk. His parents insisted. That didn’t last long as he started banging those same sluts on the side and she dumped him. Boy was she butt hurt over that one. Chris Pronger.

Edie rebelled and had a threesome, got drunk at a party and two guys went sword fighting with her. One guy was pretty popular and a ladies man, the other drunk just about every time we saw him outside of school but everybody liked him because he could score weed and alcohol at will. After that night, I heard there were other incidents where they tag teamed her but it was one of those deep family secrets and the boys one day disappeared, changed schools, were paid off to shut up and we didn’t hear from them again. Coincidentally, we heard they started banging that same chick from L.A. Jarret Stoll & Matt Greene.

Right about the time of the threesome, Edie totally stole this other girl’s boyfriend, long time boyfriend, like they were going to get engaged and married type of long-term boyfriend. The boy and girl had known each other since kindergarten and man, were they in love. Rumor had it when her parents were away, he would come over, actually bake her cookies and they would make love while the sweet smell of chocolate chip engulfed the house. I don’t know what the fuck happened but one day, in the parking lot, we saw he and Edie making out. We were floored. His girlfriend? At first, she was fucking crushed. Then, fucking pissed off! The thing with Edie and this guy ended fast, we knew it would and he and his ex-girl never got back together. We always wondered though if they one day may until we heard he started banging this chick with a strain of incurable Gonorrhea. Lubomir Visnovsky.

Edie dated this total clown. This dude was hilarious, great sense of humor. He had knocked up this other chick the year before, I think she was older, maybe even college, and we weren’t sure if she had the baby or not, it was all hush hush but in any event, we’re talking about a guy who was the life of the party. The dude that is always in second gear in everything he does but, man, he could crack a joke at the drop of a hat and have you in stitches. Still though, just unmotivated and pretty much relied on his personality to get him through life. She dumped him. We knew it wouldn’t last but it was fun to watch for a short while. He too started bagging the L.A. girl. That babe got around. Small world. Dustin Penner.

So, Edie finally had it with the upper classmen and decided to start dating good-looking freshman who were new and impressionable and from good families. Jordan Eberle, Ryan Nugent-Hopkins, Magnus Paajarvi. Oddly, one of them we think was her cousin because, although he was a nice kid, he was pretty goofy looking. Taylor Hall. They’ll grow up. They’ll stop fucking Edie. They’ll move on.

Edie must be the younger sister of Marie. Marie lives on the left coast in some place called Pittsburgh.

Marie attended an Ivy League school U Penn, and then the Wharton School of Business.

Marie also finally had it with the upper classmen and decided to start dating good-looking freshman who were new and impressionable and from good families. Marc-Andre Fleury, Evgeni Malkin, Sidney Crosby,Chris Letang Jordan Staal. Oddly, one of them we think was her cousin because, although he was a nice kid, he was pretty goofy looking Tyler Kennedy (looks like a pig with that snout). They grew up. The stopped fucking Marie. They moved on.