Karl of the single-serving Tumblr “Thanks, Textbooks” sells textbooks for a living. He says, “I know that no one really reads them. I can’t blame them.” As proof, he offers up scanned pages of real textbooks showing that not even the writers or editors could be bothered to read them before unleashing these asinine gleanings on an unwilling student body (sounds kinky).

The picture above is just one of many strange statements and bad suggestions Karl found. As for that picture above, is he saying I shouldn’t lurk outside an elementary school carefully scrutinizing every child and scrawling notes on a steno pad? There go my plans for the day. Thankfully, his other pictures gave me suggestions for other activities I could be doing, like rollerblading, exercising, and chilling with my most beloved citrus.

Our fifteen favorite selections from “Thanks, Textbooks” are below. Anything in block quotes underneath the picture is color commentary from Karl. Anything outside of block quotes is us adding some snarkiness of our own. Thanks to Buzzfeed for the assist.

This is likely another terrible, terrible idea.

I use this chart daily. I can never remember if an indeterminate yo-yo is equal to salad dressing or a bagel. Thanks textbooks.

“Fire, the second safest way to travel!”

I’m getting mixed messages from this textbook. It tells me I will die in a plane crash, then I will die in a fire, then I will die in a car crash. Oh God, is a plane going to fall on me while I’m driving and then set me aflame with jet fuel? I’M NEVER LEAVING THE HOUSE AGAIN. (I’m a blogger, so that was already implied.)

I never knew what to call this. Thanks.

This explains why those people kept calling me a swizzle when I was out rollerblading. Or at least I think that’s what they were shouting.

I’m just going to draw a line on this graph where the accurate data would go… if I had any.

Based on how old that kid looks, I’d say this is less a math problem than it is a psychological issue.

This baby is one half me, one half you, and one half disembodied hand.

At least they’re honest…

This brings up several more important questions: Who has a “favorite” orange? How long have you had this orange that you’ve bonded with it so much? Who has an equation to calculate the weight of an orange? Is it your favorite because it happens to weigh nine pounds!?

When am I ever going to use this!? How about later in your career when you need to find out how fast a particular animal travels… and the server at Google and Bing and every other search engine has crashed… and the only way you can find it is by comparing it to a completely random animal that lives on the other side of the world… and you just happen to know the ratio of their two speeds? What will you do then!? You’re going to be so glad you learned this…

I used to feel self-conscious lifting weights at the gym. Thanks, textbooks.

Another name for the “Donkey Calf Raise” is the “Swizzle”.

Both!?

“Maybe I should have turned my computer on before I locked you in this tiny bubble.”

Good Lord, who cares who’s right!? They just ate 27 pieces of pizza between two people!