Elliot Smith plays somberly in the background. Trains don’t care about you or your issues. Robin Williams ain’t gonna therapy you out of getting hit by a damn train, you dummy Cambridge kids. I don’t care that it’s going slow. Just slow down man.

Maybe this is a normal thing in Boston? Maybe this just happens? I don’t see any quad gates. Where are the quad gates? Are you too good for them, Cambridge? Do you like apples? Well, I didn’t get crush-murdered by a train, how do you like them apples?