The Letter To My Family

Yes, I am 20 and I am leaving, to be happy. Of course you’ll say, being gay is not being happy, but you won’t understand. You probably never will.

This is who I am. The consistent “therapies” which was supposed to make me change has made me stronger.

If I had written this letter two years ago, it’d have been followed with my body hanging from the ceiling fan or pale from overdosing. But that can’t happen now, I’m wiser, I’m in love with myself and I’ve learned to love who I am.

On my declaration of irreligiousness, it is because religion itself is at conflict with who I am. Religion tells me I’m a sinner, which I’ve come to believe I’m not, at least, not based on who I am. Religion blinds people from thinking and I refuse to be blind. Religion also breeds hate and contempt and I refuse to be a part of that. People without religion are happy people because they are free of unnecessary man-written laws by self proclaimed prophets. I am not delusional. Neither am I suffering from any thought problems.

To my parents, I pray that this meets you in good health and I’m sorry to cause you any pain. I know you love me and I love you too, but I am the future and I choose my happiness over anything else. There have been six times I have been outed to you, and I believe you should be ready for this. I can’t bear living an unhappy life, living two different lives at the same time.

Today, I decide to choose mine, the life I see myself living. I don’t see for myself a future where I’ll marry a girl and have kids with her. I can’t punish that woman who would trust her husband that has absolutely no sexual attraction for her.

On my being born this way, the last time I said it, you replied that I was brainwashed by Lady Gaga. You said that I developed my effeminacy, when you fully knew how I used to love dressing like a girl as early as at age 5; how I loved the less physical games; how I enjoyed playing with our neighbours’ dolls because you wouldn’t buy for me. You didn’t even bother that I tried committing suicide the first time you knew I was gay. I know what I’m doing and no one is taking responsibility for that but me.

To my sister, I could not wish for any other but you. But I am who I am.

To my brother, it has not being pleasant knowing you. Your homophobic slurs and invectives will, hopefully, get you your dream job. P.S. Some of your friends are gay, have a nice time figuring out who’s on the down-low.

To the only niece I have, even though you’re barely five months old, remember your uncle. The one whose face lights up when you smile. Don’t worry, you’ll still meet your cousins later sometime. I love you and I will miss you.

To every other, this is to let you know that I have chosen the path that makes me happy and I’m sticking to it.

54 Comments

Like I always say, yes family is family and all those things. But family is supposed to be the unit of unconditional love, and when they fail to give this can they still be called family?

Arabian princess you are quite young to embark on this journey alone and it will be a very difficult one. I can’t even begin to imagine what you had to deal with and what you will deal with in the future.

However do what you must. It is your life hun, write your own script and we will give you a standing ovation when the credits roll by!

PS: I hope you find your Arabian prince or something close to that!
***hugs***

Your life is your life. Make your choices but make them wisely. The truth of the matter is your family will only treat you like trash if you end up being unsuccessful while still gay.

If Dangote comes out as a gay man tomorrow I don’t think his family will disown him because he is the one holding the cookie jar. So focus a success in life and your family will come licking your toes sexuality or no sexuality.

At 20, age is much your side to achieve what you want to achieve. Be the boss. The only person that can say shit to you is the one that puts food on your table and a roof over your head.

There are gay CEOs out there living the life. Even within the gay community it self nobody wants to be associated with a mediocre beyond a one-night-stand on a horny day. But when you are a huge success…even your smelly fart will sound like words of wisdom to people.

Word! Queer Mike! I have always echoed this everytime especially to folks that see being gay as a business venture. I have mapped out my life. I see lots of degrees and accolades warming my shelf, i got no time for bullshit. When i am made and decide to come out to my parents (especially if i have found someone i truly love) and they disown me, Nna, i will just be saving the money meant for their upkeep to my disowned gay self. Who said money can’t buy happiness? Yeah, tell me that in my beach side house in California.

Awwwwwwwwwwww! This is so touching and sad! Y would parents always live in denial about facts that they know! I also remember dragging my sisters gowns while growing up nd even wearing it to the MARKET wit my dainty shopping basket! We laugh over it now in my house as one of my naughty child’s play but they wouldn’t understand it was my inner me playing out.
I hope u find the peace you sort after nd just b safe. God b with you!
By the way Pinky, u didn’t post d story of that 17yrs old transgender that killed himself. The comments on LIB were mean!

Hugs, dear. I hope you have friends to talk to when things get rough. You didn’t say where you’re going, but I hope for the best for you. And I hope you, one day, share with us a happy ending here. Always take care. Hugs.

I wish u well dear,I am so melted with grief right now….*kisses der*its gonna be fine;buh I hope u v planned and thought this through before taking this unmistakable step that will change ur life forever.But just as Queer Mike said,at 20 ur stiLl young with raw innitiatives to be refined.So please make good use of ur talents and employ ur destiny into shaping u to a succesful person and I bet u,You will be the happiest princess ever liveth.*hugs dear*We love u.

Its so sad,having been opened to them six times,I’m sure you have been through hell of treatments from them.
The gain to this is for you to be successful,and I pray God help you out.
Do have a brighter future

I think it would’ve been helpful on your part if you were abit more explicit, like telling us exactly what happened? cause I’m trying real hard to infer what the predicament is here but I keep ending up with assumptions. Your parents know you are gay, thats established. But have u been kicked out? Do u have a place to stay? where are u exactly?. You could’ve hinted to all of these, cause God knows you might reach a guardian angel here would be of great help.

As the letter is 2yrs late, I find u r still safe. But in addition to the above qxns, I know there is that straw that wee break camel’s back, but biko, if u have bin outed SIX times, couldn’t u just hang in there?

As everyone has pointed out, its not easy out in the big bad world for both gay n str8 ppl especially in this Nigeria. I’d av suggested u milk ur folks off every opportunity they might ‘insultingly’ offer u. School, a trade, whatever otherwise, its the calling of a gigolo that awaits u, and even we all know looks will not last…except of course if from previous trysts, u have saved enough to establish urself in business. Much as I know younger ppl than u haf bin established I still will not encourage u to leave home n start a business pronto. At least not until after February.

I feel your pain. Sometimes, i wish someone or something (like a time machine) could show me my future. I want to know if i fell for societal pressure and married a woman, if i would have kids, if i came out to my parents, how they took it. So many things i want to know. But you know that thing they say about the future and how it changes each time you look at it. I have told myself that i have been the best only child for my parents and given them the honor and praise from family and friends for a supposedly good upbringing.

When i go tell dem say na dick and ass i like and dem no gree, i go leave dem go live my life. Mark Zuckerburg founded Facebook at my age, i no get time to still dey chop “mummy thank you”. If they don’t want to be part of my future for the simple reason of how i choose to express myself in the bedroom, something totally out of their parental jurisdiction now that i am an adult, i will just show them the red shiny exit door to my life.

I get d whole part of U wanting to b happy but I tink U r still too young to b weaned off family care.
Look deep,there must b an aunt or uncle who would understand and listen to U. Try and find 1 to talk to and tk refuge in
Out there , Gay men unfortunately cnt offer U any much help or solace-(na straff dem dey find)
U definitely also can’t survive on d empathy and emotions we’d dish out here.
D bad part of ds wuld b taking a walk from family and endin up worse.
Pls b quite rational in ur decisions.
If it needs hangin in there a little till ur wings can carry u enof to fly den consider dat too.
I pray U’d b fine.
God bless U greatly.

If you haven’t been kicked out, please and please, do not set out on your own on this very tough path. Just find a way of developing a thick skin against all the slurs and malignant words and attitudes that will be thrown your way.

But if you’ve been kicked out (which I somehow doubt cos no mother will be that wicked), then find an uncle, an aunty, an older cousin, at least, anyone who is related to you in one way or the other, who you can confide in.

There are so many roaring lions out there waiting for who to devour. No matter how mature in mind and reasoning you might be, I still feel 20 is too young.

I think coming out to family is the bravest thing you could ever do. I had to leave work mid day on Wednesday to catch a flight down to the east, on getting home I saw how happy they were. As I looked @ their faces, I thought of what their reaction would be if I told them I love d*cks and not p*ssy.. I found myself suddenly overwhelmed with fear. Fear that this “coming out” thing I’ve been planning might just be harder than I thought.
At age 20, I was still enjoying the pocket money coming my way and the whole “family care”. At that age, I could never/would never have done what you did. You’re really really brave. But one thing to note though- Coming out is better done when you’re independent. By then no one will be able to threaten you with anything cos no one feeds you. You’ll be living under your own roof.
Someone emotion earlier about ” No LGBT” person will want to take you in and I’ll like to second that. What most people want is to grease their wheels. They could take you in, use you for a few months and throw you out.
You have to be strong now. Strong for yourself because you’re all you have now. And pls don’t make the mistake of telling your friends why you were thrown out, they too will shut their doors. Its the times we live in so we have to make it work for us.
I’m sick and tired of hiding my phone when I’m chatting (with friends around)
Tired of being cautious about the dp’s I use
Tired of introducing bae as a friend
Tired of not being able to relax while in public with bae
Tired of being asked who my girlfriend is( at least they’ll stop asking if I tell them I DONT LIkE GIRLS!!!!!!!!!)
Tired of pausing or stoping “gay themed” movies when someone wants to enter my room
Tired of listening to my straight friends bicker about girls and how they enjoy having sex with them !!

I’m simply tired… I hope I’ll find the courage to do it one of these days… I can’t continue to live like this .. This ain’t life, its clear to see

Arabian Princess, I’m still waiting for you to accept my BlackBerry invite. I will reserve my comments here. Now for all of us, let me just say this, my greatest fear was the dreadful thought of losing my Dad.At 41, my Dad was 80 and I did so many things to make him happy so he could live longer. I drive to the village (from North to the east) fortnightly to just be with him. He still died. 5 days after my last visit. I felt a big loss. I still do and I’m 41. We are talking as if it’s as easy as finding where to buy biscuits for a 20yrs old to leave the shelter of his parents especially in a clime like ours. Its scary. He has to be happy but how. I think we should put ourselves in his shoes.He needs our support but how many are willing to make sacrifice for him after all we are evangelists of self love.me,myself and I. How many of us can genuinely care with no strings attached. I’m so sad but I’m confident that this child will get over this someday and be happy and fulfilled.

@ A-non, while I agree with you that we have to know what the problems are before we help, I’m quite shocked that you don’t see the leaving home of a 20yr old as a problem. I’m sure you are in the same age bracket,tell us,can you stand being cast away by your family @ your age? Don’t worry, we will wait for him to send a follow up post where he will outline his challenges before we offer some form of support.

Arabian princess, knowing you personally makes this a very disheartening piece to read, I cried uncontrollably, mostly because we’d talked about these things and I tried to lay words of encouragement here and there, but I never thought it’d get to this deafining crescendo! Let me start by saying that you’re the most creative person I know in our age bracket, your success in life is a nobrainer. This line got to me most “The consistent “therapies” which was supposed to make me change has made me stronger.” Whatever be your decision, I will stand by you, I sincerely apologize if I’ve not been there enough for you as I should, but I’m here now, and you can always count on my support any day. It’s going to be tough I must confess, but I know you’re very resilient so I wish you nothing but the best in your quest of pursuit of happiness. When you find it, please don’t let go, and I hope I still have my spot as the chief bridesmaid when your Arabian Prince finally comes through? I love you forever and always babes, you’ll always be in my prayers.

Nice and thoughtful words. Please give him all the support you can and bear in mind that people(gays) shouldn’t know about this as much as possible. One or two gay guys might want to take advantage of this situation.

Thanks @gad, we’ve been each other’s confidant and it can only get better now, we’ve never shared our secrets with anyone else, and I don’t see it starting this season. Nobody’s taking advantage of him whatsoever, we’d get through this and soon I see him sharing an article of enormous progress made here again, he’s so talented and I don’t see what he’s going through now as a setback at all, but rather a propelling force to his designated heights of attainment in life.

I couldn’t be more explicit that this. anyway, a very BIG thank you to all commenting. This happened on Monday and I’m not deterred by it. I’m still waxing stronger. It has infact strengthened my resolve to be successful in life. I love you all.

Oooooh!! Now this thing just got real! I mean the thing about the me me me and I love me thing that has been preached here. Now someone has taken the bait and we are suddenly faced with “what to do” for or about him.

My take on this would be that if truly you have been driven out then do YOU a favour and go right back home. No I don’t mean deny your sexuality but help yourself by finding your own two feet before you take such rash decision as to run off.

Also, I know it’s not just all talk you need now if you r stranded and so if you do need financial help get pinky to give you my email details and send me your digits. Be strong boi and PLEASE GO BACK HOME for now ie.

You don’t even know half of the story, It’s not like he brought an avalanche of ‘me-ness’ on his family. Nobody meant for the events that led to where things currently are to ever happen, but then again they did. This is an issue where the Latin maxim principle of Talem Qualem is best applicable.

King, I really appreciate your concern. I have gotten in touch with our own Arabian Princess. Though it will amount to bad behavior to disclose details of our chats here I will suggest we talk about how to help him privately. If it’s ok by you send your pin to Pinky while I get Arabian,s consent then we put heads together

I v read this three times and each time my eyes fill with tears, reads a lot like the story of my life except for the outing part, I’ve been lucky so far … i feel your pain deep down in my soul, but i am so frightened for your well being, 20 – 25 even is way too young to strike out on your own and attempt to fend for yourself. You’re still too young and highly vulnerable. This society is too too too harsh for one so young and the gaybourhood is full of big bad wolves waiting hungrily to pounce on your young nubile body – am scared stiff when i consider the likely prospects. If you can, please go back home – you need the support and protection of your family … its a rough and vicious road ahead, but you need to be strong and know that you’re not alone. I will be praying for you constantly …wipe your tears hun someday soon you’ll look back on all this and smile…
***hugs****

Now wow! You chose option 1 and from the look of things you are comfortable. Good. Well that’s settled then.

But one other thing I wanted to mention here. You are right when you said religion is against you…yes it is….however LIFE isn’t…so even now that your family has disowned you you can be sure GOD who is LIFE and LOVE would never do so….just call on him even now and PEACE is sure!

My dear arabian princess.what a really sad story to read but at d same time if you know you have a means of survival this is the best decision u can ever take.have decided a long time ago that my happiness cums 1st damn what my family or society thinks cant tie myself down forever and live a lie.my mum even sat me down and said she has this girl studying pharmacy her besties daughter she wants me to marry that she can see a bright future ahead of us lol if i hear.infact that she has discussed with d girls mum.sharpaly i told her m not intrested in any connection marriage and till i bcum 30 bfor i start thinking marriage which am not even sure i can make love to a woman she said by 28 once have gotten a good job and saved a little i should marry am 25 i jus dey look her when d time comes she will see my oda side living my life like its golden abeg!financial independence is the gate way to heaven.btw happy newyr darlins i plan to be more active this year i pray we make more money this year,get laid more often /find love and peace of mind

Hi arabian princess,
Ive read ur story line n be line n it kept me thinking n wondering what u must be going through now. My dear I have no idea of what u might be facing in ur life ryt now but d idea of leaving home is not d best thing for u to do. U are still very young, n no matter what d situation is family is family. Wherever u go or find urself u just remember that ur parents are still ur parents. Its not an easy decision to make leaving home. Forget about ur sexuality, think of d future, how ur future will look like without ur parents, I know that u can’t change that fact of being gay, but we sometimes bring that as an excuse that ppl hate us cos of our sexuality. Deep down I know I’m gay but being gay or not isn’t part of my problem, what my problem is, is to be sucessful in life, to help people. Just keep been in d closet, think of wat u are gonna loose when u are out. Life won’t be that easy, don’t regret it please. U are too young to be all alone. Your family will always be your family. Don’t define ur life,happiness with ur sexuality. Home is where u belong sweerie.

This is courageous. Hw I wish I can be able to do this. I kW one day,soon I will. Congratulations my dear. Pray well and God will answer your prayers.just be focused in what you are doing. Its never our fault that we are gay.

Why postpone what you can do now to a later date? Tell mum and dad this evening at the dinning that you are gay and damn them if they are not cool with it. God will surely answer your prayers. We shall all congratulate you for being disowned.