Scoot Scoot Skeet Skeet Outta There

The card read: “What’s the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer? The hooker can wash her crack out and sell it again. Happy Birthday. Love, Benny.”

Happy Birthday to me!

Date 1 was drinks at an Irish pub. It lasted about an hour, he was borderline funny and cheesy and I wasn’t sure if I was into itâ€¦but was intrigued by his long and drawn out story about how his friend may or may not get married in 2 weeks and he may or may not be in the wedding since said friend cannot even make a choice about who he wants in the wedding that may or may not happen.

Rewind. A month ago I was out, drunk and happy at a meat market bar. Some guy came up to me with this line: â€œWhatâ€™s up?â€ I thoughtâ€¦â€™do I know this guy?â€™ So I said “whatâ€™s up” back and then got caught in a conversation that led to me realizing I had no clue who he was and somehow he got my number out of it. Damn, blame it on the buzz. 2 weeks later I get a text from a number that was not in my phone. Yeah, it was â€˜Whatâ€™s up?â€™ guy. The texting storm began. (P.S. he pulled this same â€˜pick upâ€™ tactic on a friend of mine and the end result was described as â€œstalkingâ€ by her)

The night before my birthday party, Iâ€™m out, Iâ€™m boppinâ€™ around with my friends and some vod and â€˜whatâ€™s up?â€™ guy wants to meet up. I had no clue what he looked like, so I figured he can find me if he can remember. Well apparently he had been falking me even though he didnâ€™t have an account (trust me, I tried to do research, to no avail) and was able to find me in a sea of Friday night drunkies. I chatted with him for a bit and thought, ok heâ€™s funny, somewhat attractive; Iâ€™ll roll with this for a hot minute.

So after the drinks at the Irish pub I was out of town for a whileâ€¦so date 2 happened a week and some change later. Please note, I SHOULD HAVE DONE MY F*CKIN RESEARCH! But Date 2 was set, it was a baseball game. En route to the game he grabs something from the back of the carâ€”â€œwow, look here, itâ€™s a birthday card for you because I remembered it was your birthday and hey, itâ€™s date 2, so letâ€™s get this going.â€ And well you already know what the card read. Raunch city!

The game gave me some time to figure this one out. It took me 2 beers and my answer was NO. On the way home he gave me a birthday present. I shit you not, a box all wrapped up in â€˜Happy Birthdayâ€™ wrapping paper with a bow on it. I thought, â€œOh no, does this mean I have to do something in exchange for this?â€ S.O.S people, S.O.S! I opened it up and guess what it was? The toy version of a scooter I had jokingly said I wanted for my birthday. Wow wow wow. Needless to say I was impressed by his â€˜listeningâ€™ skills and resourcefulness but equally creeped out. I didnâ€™t even know his last name and he spent the last week searching the city for a toy scooter for me. The story doesnâ€™t end here, the worst part was comingâ€¦the goodbye. What am I suppose to do? He got me a gift and a creepy cardâ€¦but I canâ€™t do it, Iâ€™m not into it. I went in for an air kiss on the cheek and he got my lips. I tightened them up like I was in 6th grade and then skeet skeeted outta there like Lil’ Jon. â€œBye, thanks for the gift, the game, the creepy card and please donâ€™t send me over-the-character-limit texts anymore, thanks again!â€