A blog for me to share my experiences of depression, from the mundane to the painful, in order to keep my main blog for nice things.
To understand why I started this blog, please see my opening post (http://blackbettyleopard.blogspot.com/2011/05/message-in-bottle.html).
If you have any concerns about what I write, please come and speak to me, either leave a comment or email betty_leopard@hotmail.co.uk

Tuesday, 24 July 2012

Sunshine, Lollipops and Rainbows

Well, the summer has finally shown up here in the UK. I like the good weather, but unfortunately the way I'm feeling is far from wonderful.

I suppose my mood has been going downhill slowly over recent weeks, largely due to work related stresses. I had my PhD transfer viva last week; for those of you who don't know about the PhD process, it's basically an oral examination on my research thesis to see if I've done enough and will be able to complete the PhD or not. I'd been working really hard all month in the anticipation that the viva would be sometime this month, then it was scheduled at less than a weeks notice and my anxiety went into overdrive.

The stupid thing is, as much as I was terrified before hand (my legs were shaking so much on the day I nearly fell down the stairs), the actual viva went well, to be honest, really well. I wasn't asked anything I couldn't answer or given any criticism that wasn't fair and constructive. I actually left on quite a high.

Yet somehow, despite that high, I have returned to the downward course I was on before.

Over the last month I have noticed myself getting more withdrawn socially. Aside from the fact that I have spent as many days in the office this month as most of the rest of the year, I haven't had any social contact with people other than my boyfriend (not that that's a complaint about him, he's great). Even the office doesn't feel that sociable anymore, as more of the people I know leave and those remaining are as busy as I am. I've pulled out of two big social events at the last minute, for reasons ranging from having too much work, being too stressed, too tired, too poor and just generally too grumpy/miserable to be motivated. The problem is, after-the-fact I'm left feeling guilty and wretched and like I'm going to lose all my friends because of it. The latest of those is today, when I should have been going to the New Forest Show with some of my WI friends. As well as it being a bit too expensive for me right now, I just really couldn't face it. I love those girls and I really feel like I'm missing out on a great day. I feel so guilty and stupid for pulling out, even though I know beating myself up over it is only making me feel worse. I've even text them to apologise, explain and they have said they aren't angry with me, but my depressed brain seems convinced that they will now hate me forever and never want to do anything with me again.

I make myself so angry sometimes.

If I was talking this through with my therapist I know exactly what he would tell me to do; think about why I think they will hate me then look at the actual evidence. I think they will hate me and not want to be my friends anymore because I have lost so many friends in the past in similar circumstances. Looking at the actual, current evidence, these girls are great and lovely and have said in so many words that they are not annoyed with me.

That actually helped just to type that out. I feel a bit calmer.

It's my birthday party this weekend and to be honest, the way I was feeling, I just wanted to cancel. I won't, because I know it's not really the right thing to do, also I know my boyfriend won't let me (bless him). I'm in the sort of mood where I just can't understand why anyone would want to see me or be my friend at all, like I'm the most miserable, boring, unlikable, unreliable person and totally incapable of having a good time.

What I really need to do is focus on picking myself up, dusting myself off and getting myself in the mood to have a good time with my friends on Saturday. I'll let you know how I get on with that :/