How to ... wash the car

Washing the car is the job men do to avoid other jobs. A man who has never vacuumed inside a house will spend hours vacuuming the inside of a car. Men like to wash their cars because scientists have proven that a clean car goes faster, increases business performance and attracts women (that's male scientists who proved that, obviously).

Waxing a car is to a man what waxing the bikini area is to a woman - enhancing appearance for closer inspections. They say it's a lot more painful for a woman, though, and you certainly don't hear men shrieking while waxing the car. A valet clean, on the other hand, is like putting your car into a trouser press; it's unnecessary, but you can't help feeling better afterwards.

In the suburbs, washing your car is the equivalent of the red light in a red light district. It advertises the fact that you are available for social interaction. Men wash their car only when they are in a relatively good mood. If they're angry, they tend to get in it and drive off. Some cars are never washed. Either very old cars, where the mud is all that's keeping the chassis together, or cars owned by city people trying to give the impression that they spend a lot of time off-road.

Some large supermarkets have car washers in their car park. You have to decide first if you want a clean car and second if you'll be shopping long enough for them to clean it. As you normally spend twice as long shopping as you meant to, the car wash will probably cost you about £50, all told.

A drive-through car wash is the closest suburban man gets to extreme sport. It also gives you an idea of what it's like being inside a dishwasher, especially if you leave the windows open. It's a shame you can't get a similar contraption that fits on the top of a bath and that you can pass children through.

Every car in the country has a butterscotch stuck under the driver's seat. This is almost impossible to remove, and generally ends up taking half an inch of carpet and some of the transmission with it. Under the passenger seat is the long-lost CD that you love and your partner hates. If your partner hates you, too, there will also be a butterscotch stuck to it.