Osama, this is George: I need you, man

I had a dream that the following communication came into my hands. I read it and woke up screaming ...

TOP SECRET: CLASSIFIED!

TO: Osama bin Laden, Tribal Areas

FROM: George W. Bush, Leader of the Free World, Washington, D.C.

Dear Mr. bin Laden,

Well it’s been six years ago this week since we last heard from you (in some ways it seems like yesterday). I guess it’s true: time does go fast when you’re having fun. In any case I trust you are well and taking good care of those kidneys!

This is a hard thing to say, so I’m just going to say it. I could use some help. As you’ve no doubt heard, my poll numbers are tanking. There’s even a growing call for my impeachment! Early in my first term I wasn’t all that popular, but that stunt you pulled on 9/11 really gave me the boost I needed. It allowed me, among other things, to assume dictatorial powers, invade Iraq, suspend habeas corpus, spy on anybody I please — and convince a terrified American public that these actions made them safer. It also allowed me to prudently conduct the people’s business by making the rich richer: especially through my War on Terror. You realize that my WOT uses up a lot of expensive weapons and equipment that need replacing by the good, hard-working folks at Lockheed, General Electric and Martin Marietta (to name but a few). Dick’s friends at Halliburton have sure appreciated all the humongous contracts we’ve funneled their way. The oil and coal and gas and lumber and chemical industries have also been thankful for the hands-off approach my administration has employed to help them out during this trying period.

Naturally the less fortunate citizens of our nation have had to make certain patriotic sacrifices such as stagnant wages, cuts to their sundry social programs, letting their devastated neighborhoods in New Orleans stay devastated, etc. etc. But they are happy to sacrifice in order to spread Democracy in the Middle East and keep God’s Chosen People in Israel safe and sound.

Now, Mr. Laden, you know good and well we didn’t try all that hard to catch you. We needed you on the loose to keep our people on edge. When most of our fine citizens saw those twin towers coming down and your crazy Arab preacher routine (no offense) they were ready to use the Constitution and the Bill of Rights for toilet paper. Let’s face facts. What you did was good for me. I hit the Trifecta — a blank check to attack Iraq and all the stuff I just mentioned — and I returned the favor. I let you get away safely to the tribal areas and you remain the Number One Boogie Man to the American people.

And don’t forget, not only did I let you escape, I’ve also helped you by playing the Number One Boogie Man to the Islamic world: slaughtering hundreds of thousands of Iraqis, giving Israel the permission and the cluster bombs to blow Palestinians to kingdom come, torturing and humiliating Muslim prisoners, etc. etc. Don’t tell me this hasn’t given a boost to al Qaeda’s recruitment and fundraising efforts!

Anyway that’s the good news. The bad news is I’m in a death spiral in the polls. It seems the American people have stopped being scared out of their wits by you and your organization. They just don’t seem to appreciate that we are still at war! They’re starting to pay way too much attention to the unusual way Dick’s been running the executive branch, the trillion dollar disaster in Iraq, etc. etc. etc.

There’s only one thing I can think of that could turn this sorry state of affairs around. As that dirty magazine publisher Larry Flynt once said, “After 9/11, the American People would have rallied behind Ronald McDonald.”

Exactly.

I’ve done my part, Osama. Now it’s your turn. Laying low in some cave has gotten old. You don’t want to be known as “Has-bin Laden” do you? (That’s a joke.) You need to stop making videos of yourself and do something! God’s Chosen People have warned us that if we don’t hurry up and bomb Iran they will. With our numbers this low and those damned Democrats running Congress, we need some serious cover and justification to be able to accommodate them. Are you reading me? Now don’t overdo it. We don’t want a dirty-bombed city or a major port nuked. Business is business after all. Maybe the Statue of Liberty (it’s French anyway) or perhaps Hollywood. Maybe New Orleans’ Lower Ninth Ward (that’s another joke — even you couldn’t do any more damage to that place).

In short we need to “hear” from you soon! Remember, you need me as much as I need you. You have to admit we make a pretty good team.