One Day at a Time

MONDAY 16

It's official: the 16-month engagement between Liam "Not Chris" Hemsworth and former Disney princess/current twerking enthusiast Miley Cyrus is KAPUTSVILLE. Various media outlets are reporting their various theories for the split including Chris being mortified by Miley's weird twerking performance at the VMAs, and Miley being mortified by Chris' penis, which would reportedly stick itself into anything that happened to be breathing. Us magazine breathlessly reported that Chris was heavily pursuing Mad Men's January Jones prior to the bust-up, claiming that he sent Jones a sexy text that said, "I want to [expletive] you." [In fairness, it was probably Chris' penis that sent that message.] Meanwhile both E! Online and Life & Style are squirming with the news that Chris (and his penis) are already moving in on a new gal—singer/actress Eiza Gonzalez, whom the "Hemsworth Who Doesn't Play Thor" was caught getting cozy with in Vegas and later smooching outside her apartment. Our condolences to Miley, and we hope she learns one thing from this incident: If you want to keep a relationship, you really have to twerk at it. (Heh, heh, hehhhhh.) MEANWHILE...A lot of finger-pointing went on today following yet another mass shooting, in which a mentally ill man (finger-point) shot and killed 12 Washington Navy Yard employees with a shotgun purchased from a Virginia gun shop (finger-point), after somehow being granted access to the secure military facility (finger-point). However, The Daily Show's Jon Stewart was also pointing fingers—at CNN who once again botched up their coverage of the shooting. After their wild misreporting of the Boston Marathon bombing, one would think they'd have learned their lesson. Nuh-unh. Comparing cable news coverage of horrific events to pictures of a raging Frankenstein and a masturbating baboon, Stewart chastised the network for its "sheer accumulation of breathtaking wrongness," and added it was most likely intentional, following the big ratings bump they received following the Boston bombings. "The lesson they take from this is, it doesn't matter how much they betray our trust, we keep coming back," Stewart said. "We're in an abusive relationship with CNN!" IN A RELATED STORY...There is no proof behind the rumors that CNN is replacing Wolf Blitzer with Chris Brown.

TUESDAY 17

Because it is so very important for every American to have a voice (Hello Twatter, and internet commenters), here are just a few of the Twatters generated following the victory of Nina Davuluri, the first contestant of Indian heritage to win the Miss America crown: "How the f*** does a foreigner win miss America? She is a Arab! #idiots" And..."9/11 was 4 days ago and she gets miss America?" And..."More like Miss Terrorist #MissAmerica" And..."Miss America? You mean Miss 7-11." And..."I swear I'm not racist but this is America." Actually America, you are racist. But thanks for letting everyone know.

WEDNESDAY 18

It's been just over three years since Portland 7-year-old Kyron Horman went missing—perhaps you remember some of the local media's gleeful, macabre reporting? Well, no one likes to pick at old scabs like the evil, grotesque and pear-shaped Dr. Phil. The so-called psychologist invited Kyron's parents Desiree Young and Kaine Horman on his show to talk about their relationship and how it may have led to the boy's disappearance. (YUCK!) The pair hadn't spoken in three years, and while neither came out and blamed the other, Desiree voiced her suspicions that at the time Kyron went missing, Kaine was cheating on his then wife Terri Horman (who she suspects was involved in the boy's disappearance). (YUCK!) Desiree went on to say "[Kyron] wanted to live with me," while Kaine countered, "He didn't want to come see you...I never told you that before." (Okay, YUCK!!) Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU, Dr. Phil for realizing that this psychodrama needed to be played out on television. Oh, and the memory of Kyron Horman thanks you, too. You ghoul.

THURSDAY 19

Remember when we reported about X-Men star Famke Janssen's freaky breaking-and-entering incident in which the perpetrator didn't touch anything, but left a creepy children's book called The Lonely Doll on her bedside table? Soooo...nowwww...police are thinking...that maybe? Famke made it all up. According to detectives, there was no sign of entry, no one suspicious on the surveillance tapes, and the book actually belongs to Famke herself (and contained errand lists and other papers with her name on it). Well dears...that can only mean one thing: New headline! "Famke Janssen Haunted by Book-Borrowing Ghost!"

FRIDAY 20

Pour yourselves a drink, dears—this story's one of the more...intense bits of gossip you'll hear this week. Norman "Dutch Giant" Oosterbroek—former bodyguard for Lady Gaga, Rihanna, Jay-Z and Beyoncé, and, um, Nelson Mandela—was killed in Florida after, according to the NY Daily News, he "forced his way into a neighbor's mansion naked" and "punched the resident and swallowed drugs. The 43-year-old died after Miami-Dade police shocked him with a Taser." Oosterbroek—who once pushed a fan offstage when they got too close to Jay-Z, breaking both of the fan's legs—was reportedly close to Jay-Z and Beyoncé...until he hired a prostitute, turned on a video camera, and masturbated to passport photos of Beyoncé and Blue Ivy. "Beyoncé and Jay-Z were furious when they found out," a source tells the Daily News. "They trusted Norman with their lives and then he went and did some pretty freaky things, on video with a hooker." In response, Nelson Mandela told reporters, "If you think that's messed up, I'm not even gonna tell you why I fired him."

SATURDAY 21

One of the creepier parts of Portland's suburbs is Tigard's Bridgeport Village, a California-esque outdoor mall built just like a fake little town—if all of that town's storefronts were crappy chain stores. But Bridgeport Village was the most interesting place in the world last night, when—at a Regal Cinemas, during the final moments of the Hugh Jackman movie Prisoners—a drunk old man "stood up and urinated on a teenage boy sitting in the row in front of him," according to FOX 12. (FOX 12's Kaitlyn Bolduc also deserves a Pulitzer for her headline: "Police: Man Urinating on Teen Leads to Gun Scare at Movie Theater.") Oh! Right! We forgot to mention there was a gun scare! Apparently, that happened because also in the theater was "a woman who suffers from PTSD." When she saw the Urine Incident, "for some reason [she] screamed the word 'gun' multiple times in the middle of the theater, causing a mass evacuation." Oh! Right! We forgot to mention there was a mass evacuation! And a frantic police response! "We saw cops running down the street with assault rifles," witness Phillip Quinn told FOX 12. Okay, that's it—next time Hubby Kip takes us to the movies, we're totally driving out to Tigard. 3D and IMAX don't have anything on the Bridgeport Village experience.

SUNDAY 22

Here's a blast from the past: Remember Jon & Kate Plus Eight, in which two inept adults (poorly) raised eight doomed children? While Kate Gosselin stole the limelight before being forgotten, it turns out her beleaguered former husband Jon might be family's real star. ET tracked down Gosselin in rural Pennsylvania, where he's now a waiter at Beckersville's Black Dog restaurant and lives in a cabin in the woods, "without the luxuries of internet or television." (No wifi or TV? DEAR GOD.) "Though he's hit rock bottom 'about 20 times' since his high-profile split, he says he is happy making the most of what he's got," ET continues, with Gosselin adding that in Pennsylvania, "I [party] now on a different level." Party on, Jon! IN RELATED NEWS...TMZ reports that a photographer wanted some pics of Jon's cabin, so—because she's an idiot—shefollowed him home after work. "She followed him off the main roads and onto dirt roads," TMZ claims, "but assumed it was a public road and not private property." Surprise! It was private property! This was made clear when the photog saw Jon "pulling a gun out of the back of his pants" and "yelling at her for trespassing" before he "fired off a warning shot" and "followed her until she got back on the main road." Hey, lady: Welcome to the newly founded nation of Gosseltopia. Population: one. Party status: always.