I recently found this forum and posted on the general forum about my relationship, but thought this might be more what I'm needing advice on. I think it's time for me to leave. I am just trying to understand what is the best next step for me. Let me explain - sorry so long... this is just a perfect example of what happens when it does...

It was our 1 year anniversary on Sunday and we have been together for over nine years. The beginning of the day was great. A nice card, nice company, nice dinner and the whole day I'm wondering when something is going to go wrong. That night on the way home there it was. We're shopping and get in an argument about toilet paper. I say lets buy it, it's a good deal and we need some, he says no lets go to costo. I say something about the math and its actually less expensive then he snaps at me something about talking down to him and cutting him down. We get into line, its midnight and only one cashier open and a man in front of us getting ever item price checked - yes annoying but nothing we can do about it but wait.. My husband makes several comments saying how f-ing ridiculous this is (loudly) and stands cross armed and face red with anger. I ask for the keys saying he was embarassing me and then go to leave but come back after 2 minutes because he needed help carrying the groceries to the car. No talking the whole ride home. I ask him to let the dogs out so i can put the groceries away he responds "Yeah, why wouldn't I, I do everything else around here." I ignore it. He comes back in says he wants to be let the f* alone. I reply that I don't want to be talked to like that. **This is where I think I made the mistake** He repeatedly yells and swears at me and I reply the same way that he can tell/ask me nicely but I wont be spoken to that way. then he flips. He throws the tv remote at the wall and shatters it, kicks his shoe at the wall and then kicks and breaks the dogs toy box while he's SCREAMING at me so many things. Some being he's so done, lots of swearing, etc. Then he goes to the bathrooms and slams the door. After 5 min he comes out and says, "Congratulations we made it a year, but now we're done, and I don't care what you do. I'm done, this is over and I'm not dealing with your s* anymore"

Then the next day he acts like nothing and is annoyed I want to address it. I email him a long letter that I think our relaitonship is toxic and we're at our rock bottom and I don't know what to do anymore but that I can't continue on with the way its going. He doesn't respond to my email but tells me when I got home last night he read it. l ask him about what he thinks and he says he agrees with some of it and when I ask about what he doesn't he says he doesn't want to get into it. He says he doesn't want a divorce but that I need to take accountability for my part to in "pushing" him. then from then on he's fine, being nice and "normal" etc.

It just feels like a constant yo-yo in the fact that when I think things are turning around it happens again. And when I look at the patch jobs on our walls from punches and items thrown and the damage that's not yet repaired I am reminded all over again. I am constantly trying to think ahead of what would upset him or start this, but toilet paper.. I didn't see that coming...

I am definately not perfect and I understand I have a part in this but I'm trying to decide what I can do for my part (going to counseling, reading, this forum etc) but I feel like he's not willing to make that same effort because he feels its mostly my fault and has said so several times...

We don't have the means for me to stay in a hotel or get a place so I would have to stay with a friend - then it would all be out in the open... I just don't know what the right way to handle this is??

I do know he's trying, but the trying and effort doesn't take away what happens when he stops. Then I feel guilty for being pessimistic.. Should it be this hard?? I'm just really confused...
Then if I do decide to go do I wait until an outburst to provide an example or wait until its calm so I can hopefully explain it better and to a more receptive ear...?

OK, so I want to ask a question, but don't want to offend... Does he drink or use something? The stark difference in how you were treated in the evening when he had some random things to set him off, then was FINE the next day... Just sounds like sobriety set in.

I am married to an addict. This pattern (with less violence in our house) is common here. The causes are impossible to predict, the control is non-existent, then the end is always strange.

I guess I would just suggest to keep yourself safe, which sounds like quite a task. My personal decision was to leave a situation less violent than yours, but many families figure this stuff out and create boundaries. I now attend Alanon, and it might benefit you.

He is essentially asking you to enable his behavior in your post above. Once you get there (I'm SO there), it's tough to rid yourself of it.

GoDucks: I appreciate your response.. And no offense taken -but their is no addiction... "Just" anger, and maybe I didn't do a good job explaining it but its not all the time, not like that, but maybe every couple months or something, and not always that bad... But most days there is like a general agitation with most things, more than most people - from traffic, to waiting in line (as described in OP) I honestly think its something related to mental illness and I've been researching and found something I'm interested in him pursuing although I haven't spoken to him about it yet. Intermittent Explosive Disorder.. I think its worth looking at because it is SO similar to his tendancies...

On a side note we had a long talk last night. I am really pushing him towards counseling, and before he told me we'd/he'd go but that just hasn't happened yet - but it has to and I do know that much, we'll see what happens, just taking everything one day at a time.

I think making an internet diagnosis is dangerous. He needs to be diagnosed by a professional. If you read up on narcissism or borderline personality disorder you might find some of his characteristics match those too.

My sister is Borderline so I know a lot about it unfortunately.. I am not diagnosing by any means I was just merely saying it was something he should look into with a counselor when he ever decides to go to one. Which per my request is soon.. I'm hoping he follows through with it.

He definitely needs to learn to control his anger. In every one of the examples listed, his anger/agitation was exponentially greater than the situation called for. His behavior is unacceptable, so don't let him convince you to accept it. He needs counseling. Definitely don't have kids until he can learn to control his irrational behavior.

My H occasionally gets overly angry over some things and behaves in an irrational manner. The last time he picked up the box of cleaning supplies and threw it. I was like, "look at you....throwing the cleaning supplies." So he threatened to throw another box of kitchen stuff. Then he took off in his car. My take has been telling him to look at himself. You're embarrassing. Are you proud of your behavior? That you can't control your anger? That you do stupid things as a result? Let's be real, they look childish and beyond ridiculous throwing and kicking things like children. My H seems to be learning and getting better, but time will tell.

I'm dumb I guess. I keep waiting and hoping but I wonder if I'll be waiting and hoping my whole life. How is it he can be so nice, and loving and accomodating to his mother, his grandma, his family and just completely different to me. Its like a trick because it makes me think I am the problem and he could change but I'm getting more and more worried that's just not the case - especially if things remain as they are. I'm just so annoyed and frustrated. Lots of talks that things will be different and he'd go to counseling and yet still no appointment. And when I ask about he says stuff like so sorry I've done all these other things and nothing is good enough for you... I tell him I appreciate that he is trying to be calm and talk better, but that the counselor was very important to me and essential for our relationship. He again says nothing he does is ever good enough for me and the reason I go is because I'm crazy and I need to...

With that said I feel like he's made improvements and I'm glad BUT his short fuse is constant and I am constantly trying to plan conversations and interactions 5 steps ahead to try and make sure he won't get mad or to stop a fight before it starts. To me that's still a sign we need counseling. I tried to explain it him him in terms of losing weight - like if I wanted to lose weight and change that aspect of my life its not like I can just stop eating cookies. I also need to watch my other areas of me diet, exercise, sleep, etc. Then he says to quit making it harder than it is. I just don't know what to do...

It's like my heart and head are fighting to decide who is going to win. I read what I've wrote on here and I am embarassed that I take that and allow it, but I do love him and still think of him first whenever I'm excited about something or want to vent when work is crappy. It's not all bad so I get so confused as to if I should leave. Don't all couples have something? It's never going to be perfect but even though I don't expect perfection I should still expect to be happy right?.. ugh. I'm just tired of all of this. Glad its my appointment tonight with the counselor...

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