Tragic news today reported in a hard-hitting Onion exclusive. A teenage girl, capable only of texting and rolling her eyes sarcastically has been declared legally brain-dead, and will be euthanized by her parents. Using this case as precedent, bodies are sure to be stacking up, judging by what I see on the subway every day.

And before anybody freaks out, no this isn't real. But it is hilarious, and it hits a little close to home. [The Onion]