Intimacy in Marriage

Encouraging Christian Women toward Healthy Sexual Intimacy

Is Your Spouse Begging for Sex?

As someone who blogs about sex, I see common storylines revealed through the comments and emails I receive.

Yes. I know.

Every marriage is unique with its own details, history, circumstances, plots and perplexities.

But today I want to talk about marriages where there are no huge struggles -- except for sexual intimacy.

One spouse wants sex more often. The other spouse couldn't care less about sex.

Maybe sex happens every now and then, but usually in these marriages, weeks or months will go by with no sex. Obligatory sex makes its appearance occasionally, just to keep the peace.

But eh, not always.

What then? Well, maybe you see your own marriage peek out from this sexual dynamic:

The refused spouse responds to the ongoing refusal by taking a practical approach. They logistically think that if they can just "win" their spouse over with good deeds and romantic gestures, the natural response from their disengaged spouse will be more sexual interest.

Sadly, that usually doesn't happen.

So then the refused spouse tries to address the issue in a more direct way through conversations or questions about "what may be wrong" or "why don't you want to have sex" and so forth.

This usually garners a bit of defensiveness from the spouse who is doing the refusing.

The spouse who doesn't see sex as a priority starts to throw into the arena questions like "Is that all you think about?" and "It's just about sex, isn't it?"

A back-and-forth battle ensues. it's intermittent, though, resulting in discouragement and anger, but rarely humility and hunger to draw close.

Classic passive aggressiveness from both sides may arrive on the scene too. Silent treatment. Manipulation. Withholding sex as a way to punish a spouse. Lack of respect. Sabotaging things that are important to one another.

The emotional chasm is like a sleeping giant just below the surface. It begins to define their new normal of little or no sex.

And then, if all of that doesn't compel some positive change, they arrive at a crossroads.

I say "they," but what I really mean is that one of them -- the rejected spouse -- has arrived at the crossroads. The spouse doing the refusing is oblivious that the crossroads is right beneath their feet (or right in the middle of their bed, as the case may be).

At this crossroads, the refused spouse makes a decision -- to either shut down completely sexually (setting up unspoken emotional distance and boundaries at the same time) OR to begin begging for sex.

Shutting down. Or begging.

That's usually the decision happening at the crossroads.

So, my question to you is, if the above scenario feels painfully and eerily familiar (like I'm literally describing what's going on in your marriage right now), what is happening at that crossroads?

Is the refused spouse shutting down? Or are they begging for sex?

Those two options are not good. Like not good in a "huge red flag" sort of way.

None of us stands at an altar and imagines a day when we will shut down emotionally and physically to our spouse. Or a day when we will have to beg -- literally beg -- for sex.

These are hard hard things. I know.

You may be the spouse doing the refusing. Or you may be the spouse being refused.

Regardless, the status quo is unsustainable.

My hope is that somehow the two of you will move TOGETHER toward healing and strengthening your marriage, including your sexual intimacy. This blog post may just be your wake up call.

So, wake up. Please wake up.

"A year from now what will you wish you had done today?" -- Liam Linisong

Copyright 2015, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog.

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75 comments

MichelleFebruary 2, 2017 at 1:06 pm

This is very hard for me to speak about I'm engaged and me being the woman being refused don't understand when I have done wrong to be refused. I would beg and complain about us not having sex. To the point it made me more mad. Saying to myself why am I begging for this man to love me touch me feel me. I would do everything and anything to please him in bed dress sexy and show him I wanted him. But it got to a point why is he not wanting me what is wrong with me. It's made me very sad and very upsetting because I enjoy sex I enjoy the closeness and the bonding, but with him he doesn't show me anything.. I really don't know what to do anymore. I even tried to spice up the sex life by watching porn with him to at least get him in the mood and show me something.. but I am always the one to show and give affectation I don't get it back... really need help ...

Michelle

AdamFebruary 4, 2017 at 9:18 am

I've been married going on 30 years. Most of the years have been with zero intimacy. As of now its been 3 months. I end up begging just to have her sleep in the middle of the bed. That's a win for me , as long as I don't touch. Advice to all , is to get it fixed fast. Living like this for 30 years is miserable , I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Its too late for me but maybe for some of you some research and counseling may keep it from stretching out this long. Trust me, buying her jewelry in order to get a hug or kiss is just as demoralizing and embarrassing as begging. Just more expensive.

Adam

LaurenFebruary 12, 2017 at 11:47 pm

This is exactly where I am right now. My husband and I (married 6 years) just went away for a weekend kid free getaway. We stayed a a cute bed and breakfast in a neighboring town and had a wonderful weekend...except it was without sex. I am constantly the partner that wants more sex. Right now, we hover around once every 1-2 months. I rely on masturbation just to get me through a day without shooting someone in the face. I've tried sending him sexy text messages in advance, giving him compliments, sending sexy pictures. I've asked him directly what he would like for me to do sexually (he says he does not know). I even bought a new sex toy for us to try together on our weekend get away. Nope. We didn't even hug or kiss all weekend. I feel undesired and like a nuisance. I don't know what else to do anymore.

Lauren

GFebruary 13, 2017 at 11:13 am

To Michelle n Lauren, I am so sorry that your husband isn't being as loving as he should be, I cannot fathom saying no to sex cuz you see I also am in a sexless marriage except I'm the husband, we are now roommates as she will not let me sleep with her in our bed, it went from once every 2 or 3 months to zero last seven years, from sleeping together to her sleeping with my head at her feet I know sounds wierd but she wouldn't sleep on the same end with me now she's asked me to sleep on couch or other bedroom, I guess what I'm trying to say is Please try to find out what is going on and the both of you fix it that means a lot of prayer and more prayer believe me when I tell you that you don't want to end up like me, I know that Adam in earlier post mentioned it's too late for him I personally don't think so I believe that there is someone for everyone, but my point is you are both probably still young and beautiful ladies so at this point there are still options for you and for Adam however it comes down to a desicion, I chose to try and try and try with my wife unfortunately I'm still trying I feel like a train trying to go uphill and the wheels are losing tracktion so it's going backwards as she won't or can't respond to me, I've imagined me driving away and by chance meeting someone who actually wants to hold my hand or sit with me maybe even cuddle I know sounds strange coming from a man but when a person is starving for affection he tends to dream of things he's starving for, anyway I'm going off track I want to ask God to bless you both and Adam and your marriages and that he blesses your husbands so that their eyes open and they realize how beautiful you both are and his passion for you is reignited, I don't want you to end up like me with only dreams left and a roommate who is rarely home, it is very very lonely at times maybe she just doesn't want me no more I don't know I've asked her and she says that she loves me but she also says that "she will cook n clean but she's not that girl" ( for sex ) I don't know what kind of love that is but it sure lonely on this end lol , I'm afraid that we all need to make a choice I thought I had chosen long ago but my choice seems to be killing my soul because it hurts SOO much and I don't want that for any of you, and even though I'm older 50 there may be someone who has eyes for me that will help me feel like a man again I wish so much it was my wife, well anyway GodBless you all and I'm praying for you 😊

G

JoeFebruary 15, 2017 at 3:49 pm

I'm nearing 50 and I am the husband that does not need or want sex. Hormone problems. Also can not keep erection. Hormone replacement nearly killed me I was so sick. I tried Viagra and now have permanent vision problems due to elevated blood pressure and resulting pressure in eyes. Cialis does nothing. I really have not had much of a sex drive since late 30's, early 40's.

Not everybody likes sex. Not everybody can perform. People who used to like sex can develop medical issues and then sex becomes a turnoff and physically impossible.

What then?

Are people like this bad people? I don't think so. The human body will fail everybody eventually. Some sooner than others. Also, everybody is not created with the same sexual desire or wants.

It is what it is. Sex is not everything folks. It's not even at the center of everything or anything. The big problem I see is how the world has elevated sex to God status. It's an idol. A false idol. Make somebody do what they don't want to do or can't do and you are putting the idol before them and God.

Joe

JennyFebruary 23, 2017 at 11:11 pm

Joe, you bring up an interesting perspective. I am the wife of a very uninterested husband. He's very loving, very supportive of my career goals, an AMAZING father, a great friend. We laugh all the time and tell each other stories about our day. We cook late into the night and celebrate each others wins. Everything is AWESOME, except we do not have sex as often as I want. We may get to 2-3 times a month. But mostly, it's 0-1 times per week. I AM FRUSTRATED. I am looking for options where I can feel sexually satisfied. I have expressed many times my wants and desires. I even offered to be available to him to blow off steam after work when he comes home - a quicky to relieve tension. He's never taken me up on it. I'm looking into sex toys and masturbation to help me stay sane and release my sexual energy.

I don't believe sex is an idol; however, I do believe that husband and wives need to find a way to please each other. Otherwise, the neglected partner is vulnerable to outside forces.

Jenny

OyabMarch 5, 2017 at 12:13 pm

I am not alone
I am a married christian man who loves his wife sooo much but I get refused 8 out of 10 times. There are times I had to beg profusely because the urge was literally 'killing' me. I have resorted to just driving to nowhere and she says I shouldn't threaten her with that. I had to indulge in masturbation just to relieve myself but I feel guilty overtime I masturbate. I resorted to online flirting whenever I feel pressured and I know asking my wife for sex will be a NO. I feel a little less than a human being when I beg for sex and I am told NO. If I married and I can't have enough sex, then why marry? This one thing is putting a lot of pressure between me and my wife. I don't know if being horny leads to death but that seems to be the way out for me and I am out of options. I love her so much that it pains that I had to cheat on her.

Oyab

A man that's want sex 😢😢March 13, 2017 at 11:40 am

I deal with this before we got married we used to always have sex but when we got married we rarely have it 🤔

A man that’s want sex 😢😢

Unloved wifeMarch 23, 2017 at 6:32 pm

I am a married wife who begs for love attention and sex from my husband it makes me feel horrible and unloved been married 20 years and together for 26 we are in our late 40s at least reading this kinda helps me out

Unloved wife

KellyMarch 24, 2017 at 3:53 pm

I appreciate reading the comments as much if not more than the article because it tells me I am not alone. I am mid 40's male, married for 9 years. My wife has fibromyalgia which makes physical touch unbearable much of the time. I can relate to Adam's post above - begging just for some level of physical intimacy, even non-sexual. I do not want my wife to do anything that causes pain for her, but I sometimes think that she has shut down even trying for fear that it will hurt. We have recently started marriage counseling to help us address the problems. I want physical intimacy - both sexual and non-sexual - but for her both are painful which leaves me feeling unwanted and unloved. I am hopeful that we can work thru this to find solutions for both of us.

Kelly

EMarch 25, 2017 at 12:46 pm

Unfortunately, it's me that does all the begging. I would be lucky to get it twice in a month. It's always excuses. When I confronted her and asked her about it, all I got was defensiveness from her. There are a few times I have voiced my frustration that she just screams at me that we can do it. Talk about intimacy!!! I HATE begging for it.

E

KrisMarch 27, 2017 at 3:41 am

I want to start off by thanking all of you who have responded without all of you I would feel alone
sexual or non-sexual relationships all have two thing in common they all have Needs & Wants and we all receive love differently I myself believe it comes down to trust respect and validation I can only speak for myself and at one point in my past I thought I did Trust respect and validate and I could give numerous examples to my spouse so I knew I was being understood and that became the way I begged long story short cuz we all know not only did it not fix the problem it created more problems confusion and pain I started blaming myself to the point I questioned everything in life( AKA depression ) we all know how hard and damaging that is/ can be to our perception of life and reality and to think all that because our spouse doesn't want to have sex with us and that's true it is because of that but it's the perception of the non-sexual is different than ours everyone can agree we're all different so that's where respect comes in just cuz we want sex and the other doesn't want sex both are wants we both want to be trusted we both need our feelings validated so it takes both spouses to fix any differences and I mean any big or small relationship is a partnership a team to work together using each other's strength to truthfully trust one another and I mean truthfully I truly can't express that enough Trust is everything to lie in a relationship doesn't just hurt it keeps problems from ever getting fixed properly and respectfully don't rush it but don't not do it you both must do your part for the both of you to move forward and live a respectful fulfilling life that both of you will agree on and I speak from experience it wasn't easy but it was worth it through our journey of ups and downs it brought us closer and now I am truly proud to say we are both in an intimate sexual relationship with each other never get up on one another it's so worth the fight to fight the fight for each other and all that we've been through we both are enjoying sex remember you must do something stop trying start doing. Thank you

Kris

KrisMarch 27, 2017 at 4:28 am

Right after I submitted my comment I had this to say
I understand and respect that some people may not agree or even understand what I was trying to communicate to someone in need of help
Take your time don't be hard on yourself try your hardest to be open minded with reasonable expectations
You may not feel or see your spouse doing their part we all apply ourselves differently keep that in mind
You can only fix you you cannot fix others you can just help be there for them as you would want them there for you
Pay attention to what you're feeling get the validation from your heart
Remember your mind we'll try to trick you for selfish reasons
Educate yourself on how to be a better you it will help you process more correctly
You must fix you first before you can help fix others
Learn from your mistakes
Don't stop doing what's right when you start to feel things are getting better keep bettering yourself it'll be worth it
You got this for the both of you

Kris

GMarch 31, 2017 at 6:30 am

I can relate to your story Kelly, I don't know what I'm going to do anymore it's been over 7 years without intamacy from my wife, I'm not a bad man I provide for her I do all the things that are expected from a husband I'm told I'm good looking I just don't understand, initially she had told me she had been abused as a child and I understood and never pushed her into anything we went and still go to counciling together but I feel nothing from her, since over a year now she has asked me to leave our bedroom and sleep on sofa or other room she says she's not comfortable with me, and now I'm to the point I just want to leave and be by myself because during the night when she thinks I'm sleeping shes relieving herself in our bedroom where I'm not wanted I've even walked in and saw her doing it, I don't understand she says she can't be with me but yet she does this almost every night!!! I'm tired I just want to leave...G

G

Eddie RightApril 8, 2017 at 12:18 am

Brian
I like sex, I enjoy to see my wife touch me , kiss me and have great passionate sex ,but alas she never does ,I try to cuddle her. She says she wants to sleep, I am always home with her, cook for her, take her out for shopping , buy nice things for, humorous, always together but she's not into sex. It's killing me ,have tried to communicate about this to her but no change.
we met in our late 30s ,she would drive to see her ex in the neighboring country, and I always ask myself, was it the same way.
I feel unwanted, unloved, when we do have sex, I am told finish quickly say in 2 minutes
I f

Eddie Right

NinaApril 16, 2017 at 2:17 pm

My husband rarely initiates sex. We have been married for almost 5yrs. I have tried communication about our intimacy issues and it only leaves me feeling like I'm begging for sex. I feel like giving up. I'm tired!

Nina

GApril 23, 2017 at 6:53 am

I haven't been with my wife in about 7-8 years her choice, and now she's asked me to leave our bedroom that's been about a year now I sleep on the couch or other room, she just doesn't want me in any intamate way, and I really don't understand is I'm not a bad man I provide n take care of her, and now well about it year now I wake up to this sound of heavy breathing n moaning at least 3times a week I've sneaked in and actually caught her relieving herself but I haven't said anything yet, I've started to record her so that when she denies it I can play it back , my point is if she really doesn't need sex like she says why is she doing this to me, granted I'm no cuppy doll but I'm not bad looking either I try to takecare of myself for her, oh n I haven't stepped out on her either, some women have actually said I'm handsome, maybe someone out there can share some advice, I don't know what to do anymore because I'm tired of this and what makes it worse that I'm 56 I'm getting up there in age I wonder does that mean I just need to shut up n take it now, cuz I really don't think any women will be knocking down my door trying to get at me, maybe when I was young but not now, well anyway ThankYou for your time and for listening, please if anyone has some advice please let me know

G

Bronsen SmithMay 19, 2017 at 2:50 am

Wow, it sure is nice--albeit very sad--to know there are a number of others whom are struggling with the same thing I am dealing with. While I both understand as well as respect what Joe said, I also have to say that individuals who either, cannot perform, or those whom do not wish to have an active sex life with their spouse, need to speak up. My wife and I are in our mid-30s--together for 10 years, married for 4--and we had so much activity and intimacy in our dating-years, I seriously neared my capacity for sex. Now we are down to approximately once every 10-20 days, as compared to ABSOLUTE CERTAINTY that we were having sex every night, and most weekends included a minimum of one extra daytime session. I have attempted to speak with my wife, on countless occasions and inform her of my needs, as well I ask of her needs. All I have requested is some form of her showing an interest in me--i.e. Foreplay! and I want it to go both ways, as I love giving her oral but she won't let me. When we dated, she would give me oral every time we had sex, now it's MAYBE once in a two-month stretch, not to forget that she shows absolutely no interest in that one sacred time, and it lasts a maximum of two minutes. I have begun to look down upon myself, and I constantly consider the idea that she simply does not want me, sexually. She claims that she loves me and wants nothing more than to be with me; yet she shows me everything but those things. We have most-certainly relegated to roommate status, with an occasional 'high-school-esque' sexual encounter. I have been a loyal, God-fearing husband, albeit not without my own faults, but I think I have reached the point where I can identify the writing on the wall--our flame has turned to smoke rings in the dark. Good luck with each and every one of your struggles and God bless each and every one of you, hopefully someday each of us will meet a partner with the same sexual desires we possess.

Best Regards,
-agreenmonster

Bronsen Smith

DavidJune 9, 2017 at 10:35 pm

I'm 28 years old and have been married for 6 years. We first attempted sex on our honeymoon but realized my wife had severe pain to the point we weren't able to have sex. After a few months (both eager to have sex) we started trying different positions that was comfortable for the both of us. We managed to find a couple positions suitable to have sex. We would have sex at least 3-5 times per week the first year of marriage (mostly initiated by me) but I noticed she quickly began losing interest in sex. Today I feel foolish asking her for sex 1-2 times per month. And when we do have sex, most of the times she lays there quietly, making me feel even more foolish asking her to "fake" enjoy the sex. Sometimes I feel rejected or think Something is wrong with me for always thinking about sex. For the past few months I've been resorting to masterbating every day to releave my sexual desire, but then I feel guilty... I believe this situation has caused me to be many times passive aggressive by losing respect or even ignoring. Sometimes I try to withhold sex from her hoping to trigger a desire on her behalf, but unfortunately this almost always goes unnoticed. On days she is on her period I try "begging" for oral sex. After being refused I "beg" for a hand job only for her to also refuse... many times this is very frustrating & I don't know what to do. My wife says her new medication makes her have ZERO sexual desire... I need help.. Any advice would be appreciated.

David

Lost lady in FloridaJune 27, 2017 at 3:43 pm

David I feel your pain. I've only been married 18 mos. And I always want sex. He works long hours and I understand that. I am 40 and he is 43. He used to give it to me everyday and I craved it. He always only would give it to me at night so I would have to wait all through the day to get it . Now I am lucky to get laid once a month. Now I know why his ex cheated! I have talked to him about it and he's always too tired or worn out. That's not an excuse anymore for me. I get myself off at least once a day but I need someone to touch me or penetrate me. I'm about to lost my mind!

Lost lady in Florida

KpaxJune 27, 2017 at 4:47 pm

Thank you all you have all spoken my mind. Am confused as anything. Just do not know what to do..

Kpax

SillyGirlJuly 6, 2017 at 4:49 pm

It's nice to at least know I'm not the only one going through this. He masturbates regularly to porn and it makes me feel invisible and demoralized for continuing to want him. We used to make love every night but now it's like I don't even exist. He doesn't seem to be bothered when guys, even his friends, flirt with me and tell me how pretty I am but of course I only want him, would never ever step out on him. I need to make a better decision for my future and my sanity. No, sex isn't everything but it CAN make things better

SillyGirl

Matt BAugust 4, 2017 at 5:37 am

If you are married to someone who needs sex and you refuse to give it to them you should release them and end the relationship. Sex may not be everything but it's a big part in a relationship. Don't hold your spouse hostage by refusing sex. Besides if you do then don't be surprised when they look for sex elsewhere.

Matt B

BAugust 4, 2017 at 9:29 am

I am 31 and have been in a sexless marriage for the past 2 years 8 months 3 days we have been married for 3 and a half years. I need to feel like a woman. I want to be desired by my husband. Other men have shown and consistently show sexual interest in me despite my weight gain but my husband does not. He doesn't even want to sleep in bed with me platonically. I beg him to just come to bed. No sex no cuddle just sleep in bed with me. I am so broken and torn. I love the idea of what my husband used to be like. I feel like I'm living a nightmare. He is interested sexually as he masturbates daily to porn. But his porn is always geared to white, Hispanic or Indian women. I'm a black woman. I was so sad and frustrated I sent him a long text asking why don't we have sex. Are you cheating, am I fat, do I smell bad. My God I just want to know if I should cut my losses and move on.

B

SnAugust 4, 2017 at 6:47 pm

I like to share my story, I met my husband for 13 years and married for 9 now. We haven't have sex on any of our holidays or wedding day or honeymoon. I try to engage the sex and I told him it is very important for a marriage and it can create bonding and closeness for each other, and I told our marriage will not be good if we don't have a good sex life, and we never really have aex even after we married, we may only have less than 15 times.... I try talk, tease him, I told him I don't know if u love me or not, I said I will feel more sad and frustrated . On top of that he have couple times of emotional cheating that made me totally lost my confidence in my marriages and I start looping the patterns and no sex at all until to he point I totally fedup. I try make up many times I try talk to him once a in a while and he promised and never delivered, it made me a miserable marriage, and in 2015 I try to ask him again, on my birthday he told me he don't know if love me anymore and I totally breakdown and I'm so sad and mad for thinking who iam really to him. Now he is gone for fee mi tha leave everything behind and want to restart his life. And left me all things in the house to handle. I'm devastating for all these abandonment, passive aggressive behavior, and neglect my feelings and he turn around and said i never worry about him, and I pour my heart and soul in this marriage work hard, be to a good wife, love him care him the most, try to sexually please my husband, support him, and he turn around and saying all negative things in me and blame me, I'm became a crazy woman. I really need professional help.