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Christ!!!!...I just copied and pasted for the first time....Cheers Ann. ........................................................................................................................................................

It's because I have no social support....I'll lose my job/my house and I'll have nobody to turn to and nowhere to go.

Are you seriously telling me that it's nine months later and you still haven't tested? What are you waiting for?

I've had a look through your old thread and I can't see where you ever said if you were top or bottom. If you were top, the odds are significantly in your favour of testing negative. Even if you were bottom, the odds are still in your favour from a one-time incident.

You need to test and get it over with. Either way you need to know. If by chance you have become infected, it's not going to go away just because you haven't tested. And if you are negative, which you most likely are, then you're wasting your life worrying about something you don't have.

Don't wait until you're no longer scared to test, just go get it done!

"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Another thing... You're in the UK, right? I don't understand why you think a positive result will lose you your job and home. We are now protected from the point of diagnosis. It used to be that the Disabilities Act only protected you from the point of an aids diagnosis onward, but now it is from the point of testing positive for hiv.

If I can cope with a positive diagnosis here on the Rock, you can cope with it in the UK. (Wales, wasn't it?) No matter how you look at it, you've got SO much more to gain than lose by knowing your hiv status. And like I said, your chances of testing negative are very good. Stop torturing yourself with this and get tested. NOW.

"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

I still don't understand why you think you would lose your home and job if you test positive. You do have rights. You can also test anonymously so no one but you and your doctor would know anyway.

Test. NOW.

Look at it this way. If by chance you are positive and you don't find out until you're very ill, then not only would you lose your job - simply by being to ill to work - you just might lose your life as well. Hiv infection, when caught in the early stages, can be very well managed for many, many years and you can carry on living the same life you do now.

But this discussion is purely academic at this point anyway. Chances are good that you are hiv negative and you're putting yourself through all this for absolutely no good reason.

Test. NOW. Get off the internet and ring your local GUM clinic. Make an appointment. NOW. No excuses, just DO IT.

"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

This is serious stuff. You won't lose your home or your job, but if you are HIV positive and you continue to fanny about you'll lose your life. I remember your armpit thread from the Old Forums. I'm sure that Bucko (Brent) would give you the same advice that Ann and I are giving you now.

I know what you are both saying,but you've got to understand where I live.It's the tiniest most remote village of 300 in the highlands of Scotland.There are NO GUM clinics/there is NO public transport/the atittudes of people here towards HIV is prehistoric...(one girl I know scrubbed her house after finding out that someone with hep B had sat there)/my house is a private rent and my landlord has reservations about a homo living there anyway/the nearest hospital/social support is two and a half hours away.I just can't get there because of the transport situation.

My family live hundreds of miles away in a remote part of North Wales and I very much doubt they'd be supportive (the shame would be too much for them) so I CANNOT go home.I'm very reserved by nature and therefore do not have friends/aquaintances that I could confide in.I've completely cut myself off from everyone and I know there is no one to blame but myself.

If I am HIV+ how much time off work initially might I have to take considering the side effects of drugs/stress etc etc....my job is only on temporary contract anyway so that would be the end of that.

When I say that I'd lose my job/home,and that I've got nowhere to go I'm not exaggerating...it's just the simple truth.

When I read through the post again I know I'll come across as being selfish and full of self-pity and there are others in worse situations,but I'm having a panicked few days because I'm got chronic diahrroea and things are getting on top of me again.

What did I say to you about no excuses? You are putting a very big cart in front of a very small horse. For a start, as I keep telling you, you have a very good chance of testing negative.

If you are newly infected, you won't need meds for years and you won't need time off work. Once again, you don't have to tell anyone if you are indeed positive. How on earth would your landlord find out unless you told him?

And as for the nearest GUM being so far away, you can still get to it. Where there's a will, there's a way. I have to get on a plane and fly to Liverpool to take care of my hiv health care needs. If I can do that once every six to twelve weeks, you can do it this once.

None of your excuses wash with me. Get tested. That's the bottom line. If you refuse to test, then I can't see how there is anything more we can do for you here.

Ann

PS... I see you have posted while I was writing my reply to you. Stop this right now. There is no point in wanting to know what to do IF you test positive. You'll just have to test and cross that bridge IF and when you come to it. There's no point in discussing ANY of this until you test.

GO TEST. NOW. Get on the phone and make an appointment, then make your travel arrangements. NOW.

"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

In the UK, people are not normally put on the meds until their CD4 count is near the 250 mark. This normally takes several years at the very least.

Occasionally, some doctors in the UK will put someone on the meds if they are diagnosed at seroconversion but this is an experimental approach and not widely practiced in the UK. The idea behind this approach is that a person can go off the meds after a year, but as I say it is still considered to be an experimental approach and not widely practiced in the UK. You missed the boat on that anyway because you've left it so long to test.

You will have loads of time to make plans and adjust... IF you test positive. A positive result is by no means a certainty for you - despite what you may feel about it. It's far more likely for you to test negative after a one time event - you don't even know if the guy is positive or not and just because he's a gay man doesn't mean he's positive.

"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

I appreciate that you live in a small community remote Scotland can make these situations more tricky. HIV, on the other hand does not. If you've been infected (like Ann says, that's IF) you need to know, irrespective of what the pitch-fork wielding villagers might think.

Who's to say that they'll find out you've tested? Who's to say that they'd care? I've been surprised by how people in small, remote communities react to things. It's often not what one expects. Believe me, I know about small, isolated communities.

I'm glad to have the chance to communicate with you again even if the circumstances are so unsatisfactory.

The first step to moving on from this powerful inertia that has gripped your life is to get tested. You know that I understand all the particulars of your fears. I think that you understand that I, myself was in a very similar situation for many many years myself. You see, even though I was a volunteer peer-educator and AIDS activist, even though I supported and stood by scores of friends in their dark hours, even though I was a f*cking AIDS widow, for crissakes, I refused to get tested, fearing the worst.

By the time I did test, things were pretty bleak. Earlier diagnosis would have prevented untold difficulties and years of playing catch-up.

But it's been almost ten years now, and I gotta tell you, life has, in many ways, never been better. Knowledge is power, my friend. Empower yourself, overcome the inertia, get tested.

Love,Brent(Who believes with all his heart that Maddy will test negative, too)

Logged

Blessed with brains, talent and gorgeous tits.

The revolutionary smart set reads The Spin Cycle at least once every day.

"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

panic is indeed your worse enemy. DO breathe and try to relax. You haven't had your results and there is a fair chance that you are not positive, so try not to panic and keep things in perspective.

I think I know what you are going through because of what I felt after I was diagnosed positive: utter panic. And panic can make you body react in very weird ways: I had sleepless nights, lost 5 kilos in two weeks, which led me to believe that this was it, aids kicking in, which in turn led to more panic. I had no one to confide in which made things worse. I experienced regular hot flushes and sweats, felt I had fever but would check and find that my temperature was normal. Granted, I was positive but all this trouble was my head playing tricks. This was 4 years ago and I have found way to deal with fear.

I suppose we all have fears related to being poz and that's normal. But be aware that panic does affect your body, in fact it could harm it if extreme. Keep posting if it makes you feel better, find someone you can talk to about your fears, not only about hiv, and keep your head up.

It sounds like anxiety to me. When we are fearful and anxious about something, our bodies go into what is known as the fight or flight response. This is designed to help us get away from or fight against a threat to our wellbeing. When we are anxious and fearful about something, this response doesn't get turned off as easily as it is turned on and it becomes chronic. One of the things that happens is that blood is diverted away from our digestive system and the body also attempts to clean the system out, because the process of digestion takes energy away from dealing with the threat at hand. This is why we get nausea and diarrhea when we're stressed. It's the body trying to stop us from having to digest food and waste energy.

I'm glad you're also checking out the possibility of an intestinal bug, but my guess is that you are simply stressing over your result.

Hang in there Madd, you should get those results soon. You might want to give them a ring and see what's holding them up. Sometimes they forget to make phone calls, just like the rest of us.

Ann

edited because I twice made the typo of saying treat instead of threat! oops!

"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts