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breakthrough

i have always believed everything happens for a reason, that there is no such thing as a coincidence. well it was proven to me yet again today, i was watching that show what not to wear, and a breast cancer survivor who has lost a significant amount of weight was on there today. at first it was touching because after all that has happened she really needed to build up her confidence and realize just how special, and amazing she really is. and towards the end, she had said something that just opened the flood gates for me, and made me realize not exactly what was up, but what needed to be done. i have been fighting all of my life with my weight issue, i have been larger than normal since i don’t know how long. but i have realized that the fight wasn’t because i wasn’t skinny, it wasn’t because i couldn’t wear what i wanted to. it was because i didn’t like myself, and it was upsetting me that the outside showed what i was feeling on the inside. and i was using myself as a shield, to protect myself from anything thrown at me because i was bigger than them and didn’t need their help. something awful happened to me about 2 and a half years ago. and this time fighting for my weight wasn’t the priority, i was fighting to stay me, i was holding on to what i could to stay alive. and now the shield had subconsciously gotten bigger because i have always used it, and didn’t know i was using it now. but i refused to give up, and a long the way i found myself, and i love myself, i am an amazing person. and i am happy that i fought, and didn’t give in, because the rewards were amazing. i have come to the point in my healing process where it’s time to accept, that i am almost done, that i have taken back my life, and it’s time to live now, and in the future, and take what happened to me as a lesson, and a growth period. and today i realized what that last step is, and it terrifies me to my core. after fighting for yourself, it’s very easy to fight for what you were fighting for before. but this time, it’s a bit different. i want the inside to shine through, and as much as i love myself now, i’m not healthy enough, for this personality to shine through, and it’s time to tackle the long time fight once again. but for completely different reasons this time. i want to live. i want to be happy, and i need to be healthy. and i can do this, no deadlines, no set weight, or numbers, just better choices. this plus sized heart doesn’t have to belong in a plus sized body, and it’s time to put the past away, and all my insecurities and fears away, and fight just one more time for what i need. there will be tears, and joy, and success, and no more pain, and suffering, the new violet needs to show through, and i’m ready for that last step, and i hope you will all support me!