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Author
Topic: feeling scared and hopeless (Read 7235 times)

i am a 32yo fem, I was diagnosed 4mos ago. I got this news going to a regular prenatal visit. I am so scared and feel hopeless now. I also no longer feel normal, attractive, feels like a walking nightmare. my numbers are as follows vl now undetectable and cd4 1544. someone please help me, don't know what 2do. just hate living now, its really messing with me. Feels like there will never be any morehappiness in my life. What did I do to be punished?

Hiv is NOT a punishment. It's a virus that is transmitted through unprotected anal or vaginal intercourse. As the majority of people living on this planet have unprotected intercourse, it's really just luck of the draw.

You're still normal, you're still attractive and you're still the woman you were before you found out you had this virus. There's no reason why you can't or won't be happy again. I've been poz since 1997 and I'm very happy, thank you!

It's good that you found out before your baby was born. Your baby has every chance of being born virus-free, now that you're on meds and undetectable. That's great news! Celebrate!

You may want to think about getting some counselling before the baby is born so you can work through these self-esteem issues you're having. Your baby needs you to be sound of mind as well as sound of body.

You're going to be ok, really you are. Hiv is just a virus so don't let it rule or ruin your life.

"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

i am a 32yo fem, I was diagnosed 4mos ago. I got this news going to a regular prenatal visit. I am so scared and feel hopeless now. I also no longer feel normal, attractive, feels like a walking nightmare. my numbers are as follows vl now undetectable and cd4 1544. someone please help me, don't know what 2do. just hate living now, its really messing with me. Feels like there will never be any morehappiness in my life. What did I do to be punished?

I've been pos around 18 months now - and trust me when I say I felt exactly the same way (see some of my first posts on here!) and even when people tell you it gets better you don't believe it at the time...but it does. I've also had a baby in that time and an unbelievable amount of turmoil with the man involved in all of this. You really really will start to feel happier soon...pretty soon a day will pass that you don't think about it, then a couple of days, then a week. Don't get me wrong, I do still have my freak out days but most of the time things pass by normally. In time you'll start to realise that not a lot has changed, you are still the same person and there will be lots and lots of happy times to come.

Welcome to our little women's family here. I totally agree with what Ann was suggesting-getting counseling. And please do it before the baby is born.

You're every bit attractive and normal (whatever that is ) as before you contracted HIV. I've been poz since 1989 (at least that's when I tested poz), and I just graduated last year from university. You can do whatever you've been dreaming of, you just have to keep yourself healthy, body and mind.

You may want to ask your doctor about the nearest Aids Service Organization near you, and give them a call. They have people who have been trained to listen, talk, and help you find services you may be needing (like a good therapist). Nothing wrong with having a therapist. You're going to be alright. Just keep going forward, a step at a time. Give yourself time to adjust, and be good to yourself most of all. The feelings you're having will pass. I'm sure of it. Luv,Betty

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I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

i have seen a therapist a few times, but mybe we just dont click. Im really trying but I feel so unhappy and lonely now. Feel like a dark cloud is over me now.

Do you have any other symptoms of depression at the moment? Loss of appetite, sleep problems (waking early and struggling to get off to sleep), feeling tired all the time etc etc. If you do and it's been going on for more than a few weeks then you may need to consider anti-depressants to get you through this dark time. However, try other methods first. As bt suggested, you need to look after body and mind. As much as you probably don't feel like it make sure you get some fresh air everyday, eat right, try to have a good sleeping routine, keep in contact with friends. Things will get a little bit better day by day. Feel free to message me if you feel lonely - someone on this forum (you know who you are!) got me through my darkest days and the pregnancy by sharing her experience with me, I realised I wasn't alone.

i have seen a therapist a few times, but mybe we just dont click. Im really trying but I feel so unhappy and lonely now. Feel like a dark cloud is over me now.

This is why I suggested finding your nearest ASO (Aids Service Organization). They would be able to put you in touch with a therapist who works with people who are HIV+, and could help get you through this rough time; as could the people at the ASO. Ask your ID doctor. (S)he should know some contact information.

I know it doesn't seem like it now, but like I said, all these feelings you're having will pass. You just do what you need to do (take care of yourself), and keep putting one foot in front of the other.

I was going to ask, are you still involved with the baby's father?

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I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

hi I am 32 yrs old and was diagnosed in 2008 while pregnant and boy was it a shock. I was always under the belief that good girls did not get this disease. When I used to go to my OB-GYN there was not even anything about the need to be tested anywhere in the office. I only agreed because of a rape that had happened to me in 07 but you should have seen how uncomfortable my Dr was when I asked to be tested. I was told by my Dr that I was too high-risk for him to do the delivery and that I would have to find another hospital to deliver at (yep the hospital did not approve positive women from delivering there) another DR to deliver the baby and an ID Dr and I had to go home and tell my husband myself. I have since battled feeling like I was the only one positive with a negative partner, the only one who had a small child with this illness and feeling like there was something wrong with me for having this. The biggest problem is where I live. The support center by my house does not accept me because I do not use drugs or prostitute. The only support group for moms and HIV is over an hour away. I am so glad that the POZ magazine touched on moms and HIV I am so glad to know I am not alone anymore. That there are other moms fighting this illness too. And I am glad to know that here I wont be judged anymore.

hi I am 32 yrs old and was diagnosed in 2008 while pregnant and boy was it a shock. I was always under the belief that good girls did not get this disease. When I used to go to my OB-GYN there was not even anything about the need to be tested anywhere in the office. I only agreed because of a rape that had happened to me in 07 but you should have seen how uncomfortable my Dr was when I asked to be tested. I was told by my Dr that I was too high-risk for him to do the delivery and that I would have to find another hospital to deliver at (yep the hospital did not approve positive women from delivering there) another DR to deliver the baby and an ID Dr and I had to go home and tell my husband myself. I have since battled feeling like I was the only one positive with a negative partner, the only one who had a small child with this illness and feeling like there was something wrong with me for having this. The biggest problem is where I live. The support center by my house does not accept me because I do not use drugs or prostitute. The only support group for moms and HIV is over an hour away. I am so glad that the POZ magazine touched on moms and HIV I am so glad to know I am not alone anymore. That there are other moms fighting this illness too. And I am glad to know that here I wont be judged anymore.

I have been positive 3 years now....I am 31yo. I was 28 when I was diagnosed, and like you I felt like the world was coming to an end. I reached out to the forums, medical professionals and some very close friends and my mum for support.

The shock, anger, guilt and disbelieve lasted a while. But I made up my mind to live each moment like it was my last, to achieve all I could in life and be happy...and slowly but steadily it is happening.

You have such great numbers: undetectable vl and high cd4 counts: thats is good! You are going to have a baby! That is good news. The docs will take care of you and your baby will be born healthy.

I know it must be tough now, but please have hope. Give yourself time to gradually accept this, focus on your baby...I am sure you'll be fine.

Lady, since you have now posted 3 times, you are able to send a personal message (pm). Click on the person's screen name, and in their profile, it will have a link "send this person a message," or something like that. Then you click on that link, and voila, you can send a message.

CS, welcome to our lady's family. I hope to hear more from you!

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I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Sending you lots of ((((((((HUGS)))))))))), Praying for you also. Welcome to the Ladies forums here, You are already on the road to healing just by contacting and reaching out here for help. God is blessing you with a beautiful healthy baby, God don't make mistakes and quit thinking you are being punished. I am a long term survivor here along with others, You are not alone. We have all been through the initial shock of finding out.

i am a 32yo fem, I was diagnosed 4mos ago. I got this news going to a regular prenatal visit. I am so scared and feel hopeless now. I also no longer feel normal, attractive, feels like a walking nightmare. my numbers are as follows vl now undetectable and cd4 1544. someone please help me, don't know what 2do. just hate living now, its really messing with me. Feels like there will never be any morehappiness in my life. What did I do to be punished?

Believe me you are just okay. Everyone of us like that. When I was told that I was positive, I thought that this is the beginning of the end. I thought life is ending. I have negative wife and child. Still I am thinking of having another one. God knows. Your CD is such wonderful and the viral load too. Hope you will be having a normal life. But take your meds and stick to doctors advise. It is those meds which would be most important to you from now onwards. Just it is when you fail to adher to your meds that you should feel scared and helpless. Good luck.

I know you mean well, but men are not permitted to post in the Women's forum. Please read the Welcome Threads that appear at the top of some of the individual forums. If there are posting restrictions for that forum, it will be mentioned in the welcome. Thank you for your cooperation.

"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

i was sexually promiscous (sp) and was tested often; last time being in dec of 93 then i got in a monogamous relationship and got pregnant in nov of 94 and was ecstatic even tho i was only 19. i found out in jan and went to my first prenatal appointment where they test you for everything; it was the first time i wasn't concerned about my hiv test; all the other times i would stress it to the max; it'd take 2 weeks for results back then and so i would just stress like crazy the whole 2 weeks but this time; i was pregnant and didn't think twice about it. went to my 2nd appointment and everything was fine; then the clinic called my emergency contact and i called back and they said you have to come back in here tomorrow and i said why, everything was okay and i was just there today; she wouldn't say anything and just said you have to come back; i hung up and instantly knew that i was positive b/c that was the only test i hadn't gotten my results for; i went there and sure enough i was hiv positive; it was feb. 8, 1995

they said you can have the baby but she'll be sick too or you can abort. i was terrified. i cried and cried and cried; then they sent me to duke hospital and i met a dr who said they'd been experimenting with AZT and giving it to pregnant women during pregnancy and then the babies after birth and the transmission rate was only 8%; sounded wonderful so i did it and my daughter is now almost 15 years old and hiv negative.

u wll be okay; it's scary and you have a long way to go; but its possible to get thru this. i'm undetectable and take meds once a day with no side effets hardly at all; people look at me and i know they would never suspect in a million years that i'm sick but i am and i'm here.

Everyone has given such good advice, there's not much more that I can add. We have all been where you are and time is the healing factor. None of us got over those negative feelings over night. You will still have a life, a happy one too, you will see. I hate to sound cliche but take it one day at a time. I hope you are feeling a little better than you were the day before. Remember take baby steps with everything. don't overwhelm yourself. You are in my prayers.

Dear Scaredlady. I am not HIV positive however I am hopelessly in love with a man who is. Wow...that is the first time I said that out loud. That is however a topic for another time. Therapy is important and like education it can come in many forms. I am going to reccommend something a little different. Educate yourself...about the disease first. Go at your own pace find out about other women like you, find out about other positive people. When you are ready talk to other people...talk to your baby...talk to yourself. You have HIV and you are still in control of your life. The more you learn about the disease the faster you realize you are not alone, cursed or being punished. All the things you did before you were diagnosed are still things you must do including love yourself and take care of yourself. Everybody isn't going to love you and it has nothing to do with HIV. Hold on to those that love you and let anyone who doesn't go. Finally remember nobody gets out of this world alive.

Dear Scaredlady. I am not HIV positive however I am hopelessly in love with a man who is. Wow...that is the first time I said that out loud. That is however a topic for another time. Therapy is important and like education it can come in many forms. I am going to reccommend something a little different. Educate yourself...about the disease first. Go at your own pace find out about other women like you, find out about other positive people. When you are ready talk to other people...talk to your baby...talk to yourself. You have HIV and you are still in control of your life. The more you learn about the disease the faster you realize you are not alone, cursed or being punished. All the things you did before you were diagnosed are still things you must do including love yourself and take care of yourself. Everybody isn't going to love you and it has nothing to do with HIV. Hold on to those that love you and let anyone who doesn't go. Finally remember nobody gets out of this world alive.

:)Be glad that you are still alive. Look at it this way...There are so many people that are just dieing for no reason at all. You are still here. Maybe you can make a change some sort of way. Im glad that you did get on this forum scarylady, but life is sometimes complicated. You just have to deal with it and live each day day by day...I can honestly say it took me some time to get to the point of being happy with myself but it will come and when it does you will definately know. So now you have been diagnosed. Just keep checking up on yourself and continue to live a healthy lifestyle. Things will get better...trust me..

Hope you are feeling better, things can get overwhelming at times but hang in there it does get better. I was diagnosed at 27 and now am 31 and I look back and think nothing has really changed that much besides drinking meds. Having a close relative who passed away from an unexplained illness has made me realise that life is too short anyone can die any time. Take your time to educate yourself about the virus and do not push yourself to heal to soon with time you will get used to everything and you will find ways of coping. All the best with the baby