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The 9 Levels Of Despair When You Leave The House Looking Amazing And No One Notices

There are some days, the the stars cosmically align and you have what I can only describe as the beauty tri-factor: good hair, good skin, great outfit.

You wake up with no expectations of looking anything other than average and tired… but when you look in the mirror, you find that somehow a much prettier version of yourself is looking back at you.

These are the days my friend, that you are destined to see absolutely no one of any significance. Why? Because that’s the way the universe works.

Of course the day you wake up with three shiny red spots on your face, you see pretty much everyone you know. The day you accidentally wear that t-shirt with a foundation stain on the collar, that is the day you bump into your ex. And the day you didn’t even have time to run a brush through your hair? Hello world. Don’t ask me why, that’s just how your life is meant to work.

As for how to deal with this. Inner rage my friends… inner rage.

Because the one time you’re actually looking pretty damn fabulous, the chances are, no one will ever know…

It all starts with the: “Oh Hell yeah I am fine”

You don’t know if it’s that extra bottle of water you drunk before bed or the new face moisturiser your beautician talked you into buying, but finally, finally a good face day has arrived. You leave the house feeling like Britain’s Next Top Model and Beyonce all rolled into one.

1. Followed by the “Wait… where is everyone?”

But wait a hot damn minute. You’ve been out all day looking this good and haven’t managed to muster so much as a perverted leer for a stranger. What the hell is going on?

2. The “How has no one tried to chat me up yet?”

It hardly seems fair, you’ve been hit on looking far worse than this, so why is nothing happening today?

3. The “Maybe they’re just intimidated by me…”

Maybe it’s because you look too good. I mean according to your best friend, all the ugly girls get hit on first because they’re less likely to reject a guy. Yeah… I guess that must be it.

4. The “Wait. What if I don’t look as good as I thought…”

Unless, perhaps the lighting in your bedroom was particularly good this morning and it tricked you into thinking you were far more attractive than you actually are…

5. The “Yeah well.. don’t care what others think anyway”

Well you don’t care. It doesn’t matter if anything else thinks you’re hot or not. All that matters is self confidence, that in itself is sexier than the perfect body or skin (right?)

6. The “A compliment would have been nice though”

Though just one tiny compliment would have been nice. You put eyeliner on for goodness sake.

7. The “I love it how when I look like sh*t, I bump into the whole God Damn world”

It’s not so much the lack of compliments that bother you (really it isn’t). It’s just ridiculously annoying that had you woken up this morning looking ugly as hell you would have bumped into someone by now. No… not just someone. Everyone.

8. The “Maybe I’ll just wear the same outfit again tomorrow. It’s clean…kinda”

Oh well, I suppose the perk of having gone unseen is that you can wear the same outfit again and again and again until someone sees and notices how super cute you look.

9. The “Fuck this sh*t, I’m not waiting till tomorrow… I’ll just post a picture on Instagram”

Don’t despair, you’re bound to have another good hair, good face and good body day soon.

Unless…

Well I mean, what the hell else is Instagram for, if not a bit of shameless self promotion. It would be a waste of make up, a waste of an outfit… a waste of a day in fact, if no one gets to see how hot you are.

10. The “Bloody hell this pictures hideous. No wonder no one chatted me up today…”

17 unsuccessful selfies later, you’re left with the conclusion that, even on your prettiest day, maybe you’re just not that pretty.