6.13.2008

Time to take out the trash

It's been a few months since my last lampooning of the all-too-easily-skewered Harlequin line. Tonight at our Local Grocery Chain Maughta and I came across a few books which once again exemplify Harlequin's penchant for expository titles and swarthy Mediterranean Mammons.

Let's take a look at the latest in a long line of barrel-bottom bodice-busting bookery, shall we?

All I have to say about this bit of schlock is that the title sounds like it was produced by a Romance Novel Random Title Generator™ that's fed words like "billionaire," "bachelor," "bride," and so forth. I also have to admit that at first I thought the giant gemstone at the cover's center was a glinting pair of stainless steel handcuffs.

Oh, and a NOTE to would-be-poets: "billionaire heir" doesn't "rhyme," it doesn't "scan," it doesn't witness any clever poetic device. It just sounds uninspired and stupid.

Wait, did I just say that last title sounded stupid? I spoke too soon. We're back at the corner of 1st and Main in Expository Title Town. Nice brocading on that fainting couch. She's going to have a helluva backache in the morning.

Exactly how many Greek billionaires are there? Of course, the Italians are not to be outdone:

For my money, this last one's the topper. The title defies every naming convention for throw-away fiction ever devised. It doesn't sing, it doesn't zing, there's not even the merest attempt at drama. It reads more like a newspaper headline ("Mayor: Town in Crisis") or the title of an academic text ("Nuts: a comprehensive history of almonds in the United Kingdom") than the title a romance novel. However, 3 of the title's 6 words ("virgin," "Italian," and "wedded") are stock fodder for the RNRTG™, so I guess I could cut it some slack.

Until next time, keep sending us your covers, and your favorite pulp titles!

I saw a rack of Harlequins at the bookstore the other day, and "Virgin..." was the one that jumped out and poked me in the eye too. The phrasing is so awkward, plus "convenience" is, as Josh says, so ho-hum. Not "desire" or "command" or anything, but "convenience." Extremely laugh-worthy.

these titles are for the barely literate, people who can't know that titles should be clever. they might as well title the books, "Between These Covers is Humpin' a Plenty" or "Folks Richer than You are Ready to Screw on Clean Pet-free Beds."

they should make a Mad Libs for romance novels:"My (place of business) provides this private (mode of transportation). Now that we are alone, let me undo those buttons on your (brand name) (article of clothing). Here, feel how my (body part) (verb)s with you close. I can (verb) the (adjective) of your (body part, just not "hooters," okay?)."

So it would become:"My (medical device company) provides this private (golf cart). Now that we are alone, let me undo those buttons on your (Gucci) (shoes). Here, feel how my (ear) (wiggles)s with you close. I can (caress) the (pink) of your (hair)."

They used to have a stand with mills and boon books on in the post office. It really helped to pass the time when waiting in the long queue - to read the hilarious titles and just trying to imagine what the stories might be about!

I am fairly certain that there is a room at Harlequin with a huge dart wheel, with words on it like, "Tycoon" and "Bedded" and "Mistress," and they just spin it and throw darts blindly to come up with those titles.

One month, I saw "The Greek Tycoon's Convenient Mistress" on the shelf next to "The Greek Tycoon's Reluctant Bride." The Greek Tycoon was about to get found out.

As a matter of fact, I've just finished translating one of Emma Darcy's novels for Harlequin :) It's called "The Playboy Boss's Chosen Bride" and is rather painful to read, not to mention render into another language. It was reassuring to see other people get a laugh at "Ms. Darcy" (seriously, I wonder who it is that writes these books. Underpaid immigrants? A machine?), or at least the cover of her novel...

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Just what, exactly, is Judge a Book by its Cover?

I worked in a public library. I saw literally thousands of books every week; the good, the bad, and the truly hideous. These are the covers from the latter category. Joining me (Maughta) is the ever-popular pinch hitter (and handy husband) DocTurtle.

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