Monthly Archives: December 2013

He watched me break apart and helped me pick the pieces up.
At my lowest point, fragments of myself scattered everywhere. He says each piece is beautiful- I don’t believe it myself but then I look into his eyes and I know he believes it to be true. I know he’s the only person in the world who can still think I’m beautiful when I’m broken,scattered all over this earth and that I know is love.

I’ve had all the time in the world to reflect lately but at the same time no time at all.

Am I just a mother now or am I something more ?

When you physically bring a person into this world it’s hard not to lose yourself for a while.

You’re balancing who you used to be and who you are supposed to be to care for this fragile human being.

Can I still be the girl who goes to concerts singing at the top of my lungs to my favorite song or am I confined to being the stereotypical mother who has no life of her own? Something to think about. I’m trapped inside my head lately and ill be the first to admit giving birth makes you a little crazy afterwards,not that I needed any help with that! Its just after you give birth you’re trapped inside your house with this little person who needs you for everything which is a little scary. Your body feels different and looks different and hurts like hell. You’re so paranoid that your significant other is going to think you’re gross and not to mention not being able to be sexual for so long made me pretty depressed. I was going pretty crazy with all of my paranoid ,self loathing thoughts but Whatever, I guess we’re all a little crazy in our own way now I can just blame the reason for me being crazy on out of whack hormones. I have to say though Your strength is definitely tested as a mother ,as well as your relationships. Some people surprise you and show you how much they love you and others show you that maybe they didn’t love you as much as they said they did. My best friend of four years decided our relationship wasn’t worth fighting for. Maybe it was me becoming a mother that freaked her out. We both had our problems and differences but I thought we always had each others backs but I guess I was wrong. This was the true test of our friendship and we didn’t come through to the other side of it together. I didn’t shed a tear for her , for us. Which surprised me. I guess I was sick of being criticized by her and it was almost a relief to have her out of my life. We weren’t the same as we used to be and I don’t think we could have gone back to the way things were.I accepted that so it made it easy to let go. Not to say I didn’t wish she could have met my son and been there with me on this journey but I can’t live off wishes so I let her go and moved on.

The person who surprised me the most throughout this whole experience was my boyfriend, Chad. He’s been my rock. The way he is with our son and the way he looks at him with such love is amazing. He’s such a wonderful dad to our Damian, it makes me so happy. He’s been so good to me as well. He always makes me feel loved even though he works long hours to support us he still comes home helps take care of our son and we talk and cuddle:) he does it all. And I couldn’t be more thankful to have someone like him by my side. We have our ups and downs but I know we always have each others backs. Although becoming a mother is a challenge emotionally and physically it really is worth it. I love my family so much. I’ve never felt more love for two people in my whole life. It’s the purest and deepest love you can find. I know ill have more challenges and difficulties to come but as long as I have my two boys I know they’ll be there to keep my two feet on the ground and talk me through my crazy moments. When people can come out of the other side with you after all of those hard times that’s how you know you have something real. I’m going to leave there on a positive note! Goodnight. Maybe I can try to catch a couple hours of sleep 🙂

Lately I can’t sleep at all.
All my thoughts are drafts, they’re incomplete but complete chaos. Even when I dream I can’t escape the pressure of the world crashing down on me. I close my eyes and hope for darkness to flood over me but I can’t help but see. These words can’t possibly make any sense to you. If you could just get a glimpse inside the mind I’ve been trying to escape, you would find I’m paranoid and neurotic and I can’t help but lose control. Ive been taking steps back from the person I want to become. I don’t know where down the line that I lost myself,but I lost myself. Can you find me? Can you find me again? I want to be found. I don’t want to wonder around this world without you ever again.