We all have to deal with difficult people. They may be co-workers, clients, friends, family members, or lovers. We can’t avoid contact with them.

And with our narcissistic world being what it is, more and more difficult people are injected into the course of life every day. Our societies breed them. Here are a few of my tips on how to deal with the annoying trouble-makers we know are out there.

1. Do Their Thinking For Them

Difficult people don’t really like to think. They think they are “thinkers,” but the thinking usually revolves around the most banal of subject matters. What difficult people have, instead, are fixations: obsessions with how this is, how that is, how this isn’t going well, or how that isn’t going well.

Part of your job in the beginning in dealing with the difficult person is identifying his obsession. Find out the obsession, and you’ve gone far in learning how to deal with the person.

Difficult people also like to cause trouble: that’s why they’re called “difficult.” You need to be able to anticipate their trouble-making moves in the beginning before they make their move. That way, you can head off their little games before they even have a chance to implement them.

Think someone’s going to stiff you on paying a bill for services? Make sure he pays up front before you do any work. Think someone is going to forget an appointment date or time? Remind him in writing multiple times. Think someone’s going to have an issue with making payments to you? Make them use post-dated checks.

The possible examples here are endless. But the point is the same: anticipate the difficult person’s lame excuses or shifty behavior ahead of time, and head it off at the pass.

2. Flattery Is Usually A Sign Of Bad Things To Come

This is not always true, but it is often true. There is nothing wrong with people giving you compliments. But there is a certain type of difficult person who sees flattery as a substitute for upholding his end of the bargain. This type of person thinks that flattery is interchangeable with paying for services that you may have provided him.

And it is not.

With experience, you will be able to tell when compliments are sincere, and when they are not. In the meantime, you should get very wary whenever someone starts complimenting you in an unsolicited manner.

3. The Best Records Win

Difficult people can’t play their games when written documents are staring them in the face. Your job is to make sure that such documentation exists. There should be a paper trail for everything.

That way, the other person can’t wriggle out of his end of the bargain, or try to say something that isn’t true. Trust me, being good about this will save your ass many times in your life. Because difficult people lie all the time. You don’t want to be in a situation where it is your word against his. You want the records to do the talking.

Save all your emails, letters, faxes, and other documents. Scan things for electronic storage. Have back-up systems in place. Look, for example, at the recent developments in the Cosby case, which may turn on whether an “immunity agreement” was ever in effect.

If you can’t prove something with a written instrument, it’s close to saying that it never happened.

4. Be Nice To Difficult People

Everyone hates difficult people. I generally try to befriend them. Not all of them, of course. But sometimes I almost look on it as a challenge. Sometimes these people are so eager for any warm human contact that they will trip over themselves to return the favor to you.

I like to charm difficult people. Call me masochistic, if you want. Maybe I see it as a challenge.

And you just never know. Sometimes the people you think are the biggest assholes are the ones who actually help you the most. This has happened to me a number of times in my life. It’s strange, but it happens.

5. “Nobody Knows Nobody”

I like this little rule. I took it from the 2006 film Running Scared.

I love this crazy little movie. There is a scene when one character gives a little speech about how we never really know other people.

The idea is that anyone can be capable of anything. If you make this assumption, it will help you implement the other survival tips I’m writing about here. Be prepared for almost anything from anybody.

Even if you’ve known someone for a long time, you just never can tell for sure. It’s wise to be cautious, to tread carefully, and never rule anything out unless you are sure 100%. Because the one time you are not sure 100% will be the time it comes back to bite you in the ass.

So never completely turn your back on a difficult person.

6. Difficult People Need Some Skin In the Game

People are more apt to cooperate with you if they have some stake in the outcome. You’ve got to arrange your dealings with such people in a way that forces them to have such a stake.

The difficult person doesn’t care if he screws you over, but he will care if he screws himself over. So make him have some skin in the game. Make him invest some amount of time or money in the outcome. You should never care more about a difficult person’s problem more than the difficult person himself does.

That way, he’ll be less likely to drop the ball.

7. Control The Flow Of Information

Sometimes bad news needs to be revealed right away. Sometimes it needs to be released little by little, like drops of water. And sometimes it will be better if it is delayed for a time.

It all depends on the type of difficult person you are dealing with.

8. Get The Monkey Off Your Back, And Put It On His Back

In every interaction with a difficult person, there is some “monkey.” I mean some problem, some issue, or some point of contention that is being dealt with.

We can see “monkeys” as friction points, issues, problems, hot-potatoes, and the like.

Everyone wants to dump the problem on you. It’s human nature. Don’t let the difficult person dump the monkey on your back. Or if the monkey has to be on your back for a short time, get it off as soon as possible.

These are my general guidelines for dealing with those insufferable characters in our daily lives. With some practice—and some luck—you’ll be able to navigate with, through, or around them, as the case may be.

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72 Responses

When it comes to difficult people with vaginas and blue (or yellow or green or orange ….) dyed hair, this advice does not apply. Stay as far away from them as you can, except when you find great opportunities to undermine them and leave them crying.

Not sure what you mean by “difficult” people. This notion is broad. If you mean the a**holes or b*tches who enjoy giving you a hard time because they’re professional (manager,boss etc…) or social (women, gays etc..) rank allows them to then yeah sure. But most “difficult” guys are that way because they are genuinely smarter than most of us and are generally exacerbated by the mediocrities which surround them. The same way we are exacerbated by the overwhelming number of people around us who share the mainstream/liberal/PC beliefs and philosophies without ever questioning them. These people are usually sociopath and assholes but it doesn’t make them wrong, most are actually interesting and honest when you get to know them. Not like the 2 faced boring metrosexual assholes you get at work who indulge you in small talk then talk about you behind your back. Napoleon, Beethoven, Tolstoy, Michelangelo (the artist not turtle) were all difficult but also had more merit than most. When it comes to difficult women, there’s not much you can do but oblige them and hope for the good old days to come back soon.

He means narcissists. Or as I now think of it, rabbit people – people with an underdeveloped amygdala. Which is most of the population today, politicians especially included, and it gets worse every year.

If the difficult person is your boss-Find a new boss or quit
If the difficult person is a coworker non-boss-Watch out for backstabbing / try not to share boss with this person
If the difficult person is your spouse – ???
If the difficult person is not your spouse but you want them to be your spouse – You need to read more ROK
If the difficult person is not your spouse but has something you want – Follow the advice in this article

Agreed. My brother was married to a difficult person, as soon they separated he found someone with her same mentality and physical form. It took a car accident to convince him to evaluate his decisions.

The amygdala develops when your life is in danger. I was also in a car crash many years ago and it had a transformative effect on me as well. I didn’t understand how it all worked at the time, just that something in my head had changed.

My mom was is an almost fatal car wreck when I was 7 and I was her nurse for almost a year , all of the problems my friends faced …relationships , popularity , prom and etc seemed irrelevant. Then when I was 19 I got into a nasty fight , got stabbed a few times , took another man’s life in self defense and all material problems of the world were silenced . It’s hard , I went to college , graduated with honors and tried to adjust but it all seemed so damn boring and trivial

“After what I went through overseas, I never thought of anything I was told to do in baseball as hard work. You get over feeling like that when you spend days on end sleeping in frozen tank tracks in enemy-threatened territory. The Army taught me what’s important and what isn’t.” –

Thanks , I’ll check it out . I don’t see my view point as a hindrance , the world put me through nothing I couldn’t handle and reading through history men have had it alot worse . It’s more so the disconnect you get from the majority of people . I couldn’t sit around the water cooler and talk about the game , celebrity gossip , or whatever dribble was being discussed . It also felt like the work I was doing was relatively meaningless .

When you said, “It’s hard…” I thought you meant remorse, hence the suggested book. I found it useful.

Do the hobbies/ things you find interesting and look for other people who share it to help with the disconnect. Books, history, some politics/philosphy, guns… whatever that your interested in will also have others persuing it.

You always have to discern the difference between difficult and awkward people. The former are usually conditioned by their relationship with people or wider society, the latter are often fixated on a peculiar need to do something in a particular way, The difficult person’s issues relate to their ego and its relationship with people, while the awkward person’s issues relate to behaviors that often has little or no relationship with other people around them i.e an employee who follows a system meticulously to the T because that’s the way I do it (the perfectionist for example).

“When you meet someone better than yourself, turn your thoughts to becoming his equal. When you meet someone not as good as you are, look within and examine your own self.” – Chapter 4, Analects of Confucius, Dim Cheuk Lau translation (1979)

I will add: USE RULES. Use the Rules function in Outlook, to automatically sort your email, sending different items to different folders, and deleting junk automatically. This helps immensely in saving a paper trail.

Yeah, but the impracticality comes from others’ mentality, not from you. They see it as impractical, so either they don’t bother you, or only bother you on your conditions. Setting boundaries isn’t about making things easy for others; setting boundaries is about protecting yourself.

Because, seriously, how hard can it be to quickly state a request, with criteria, in an email? That’s 15 minutes, tops, which gets someone else to do work that would’ve cost you more time if you’d done it yourself. If sending an email is not an option, that immediately implies there’s a catch, which you’re wise to pre-emptively defend yourself against.

Its not hard to do but people don’t do it. If you’re in charge you can make people do it. Unfortunately, I can’t make my boss do it, especially if he can get someone else in who will work the way he wants them to work.

How hard can it be? People generally are too stupid to write emails nowadays. Usually when I write emails there is no reply. Especially when dealing with human resources department. They just ignore emails all together, or they will call you with some lame excuse saying that the person in charge is sick or not there, and then you will not hear from them anymore. If most people are even too stupid to read an email and comprehend what is in there, how can you expect them to write an email?

I have not had a “real job” in ages, but my experience as a lawyer taught me to get everything in writing. Sometimes it worked against me because I would put in writing some things in writing that I probably should not have.
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I find it hard to relate to the modern cubicle monkey. It just seems to me that if you don’t get an email then it never happened. If your boss or coworker makes a request of you verbally, get them to follow up with an email, or else IT NEVER HAPPENED. You can always feign memory loss if their request goes unfulfilled. The specifics are also important. Was it blue with pink polka dots or pink with blue polka dots? Only the email will tell.
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In political arguments you have to copy everything a leftist says. They will delete what they say when it becomes inconvenient. Look at that bitch that tossed the drink on Roosh while rallying a mob of mangina white knights to accost him. She bragged about the whole event until she realized just how much of a cunt it made her look like, then she tried to delete everything.

That really wouldn’t work in my environment. It would just piss people off. People in my line of work expect you to be told once and know what you are doing. I can understand as a lawyer why you want everything in writing but in my industry most things are done in person. We then let the lawyers worry about the documentation.

Typically, all of that is true. However, as I learned in the service, incompetent people know they are incompetent as often as crazy people know they are crazy. They convince themselves they can do anything. Yet routinely fail at everything, and blame others for their problems.

The paper trail thing is GREAT advice!!! However when everyone around you is an asshole, and in the military everyone is under contract and therefore un-fire-able, paper trails can be circumnavigated! They can spread lies, and work in concert to mess you up. I had several commands where I had to deal with it. These tips above are very useful. However, when the difficult asshole you out for his intransigence cries to his big daddy asshole, big daddy asshole gets the other higher ups to believe a lie about you. Then promptly sets you up in ways that are doomed..for you.

If you don’t win against an asshole and his company; don’t lose heart. Just learn how to be passive aggressive when necessary, generally assertive up front. Document, be prompt, be courteous (they hate that as they want you to hate them as much as they hate you), and be logical. And above all, make sure you know your shit!
If you consistently do the above, they will still do their hateful crap. But others will notice, and will enjoy making them pay.

Record EVERYTHING. In the office it should be a given but any guy facing divorce has to fucking record EVERYTHING. The bitches will lie, or at least exaggerate. Record everything because that beta robed wizard otherwise called a judge who can completely FYSU will give in to any sob story the bitch has but will only side with you if you have the evidence.

Quit a contract today due to a toxic workplace, I was unemployed previous to this so it is a bit a drag to be back in that predicament, but it seems like a much better alternative to going full crazy despairing retarded due to the job. This was the worst job I have ever been in, Toxic, backstabbing, unsafe work procedures I was supposed to lie down and take on the chin, feminist boss whom sticks up for the few females in the office.

Repeating my previous comment, he means narcissists. Or as I now think of it, rabbit people – people with an underdeveloped amygdala. Which is most of the population today, politicians especially included, and it gets worse every year.

My boss is a difficult person. She drives me nuts. I had to apply some of these principles to get along with her. For example, I realized that she takes absolutely every single sound, gesture, breath, pause, bodily function, as an offense. She once told me something I didn’t know, and I said, “hmmm.” She’s like, “What’s that supposed to mean?” I said “what?” She said, “what does hmmm mean?”

I told her “It means you said something profound that I had not thought of and I was soaking it in to ensure that I remember it.”

She moved on. Apparently, she really thinks I talk that way, or people talk that way. I really had to talk to an adult like that.

Now, it’s like the military. I sit straight in my chair, eyes forward, hands in lap, I say nothing unless asked, and only say exactly what is required, with total bearing and control over my every blink, breath, and posture.

Srsly … I can’t even imagine dealing with that. Try adopting some alpha body language in her office instead–arms and legs spread out, look over her shoulder, appear to be thinking deeply about something.

If that doesn’t work, say after her next moment of offense,
“Are you like this at home too?”
“I bought you some Band-Aids but I’d figure you’d take offense at that as well.”
“I only put up with hypersensitive women if they’re naked in my bed.”

A former boss was like this, one of these “strong woman” types. I just looked her straight in the eyes, emotionless, as she spoke. I guess I naturally had an alpha posture with her — legs/arms spread. Sometimes a little grin, or a sigh and glance out the window, when something she said was preposterous.

She respected it.

Most of the schlubs I work with would’ve had eyes downcast, shifting in chair, “yes ma’am” the whole time. Not me. Of course, I’ve been with the company forever, and have built a solid reputation and a degree of autonomy.

I tried that with her. I like difficult people. Typically, they’re actually red pill assholes that don’t have a PC filter that gets them to be hated by women in the office. Too much ego can be difficult to deal with, but I have a routine with them.

However, it didn’t work on her because the source of her difficulties come not from too much ego, but from too many insecurities. She overcompensates for her insecurities.

I’ve managed to have quite a bad run with difficult people in my life especially in the last few years. One strain of “difficult” I’ve had to deal with include the “narcissists” – those with a damaged ego who now live within a general framework of lies they have created about how certain aspects of their lives are perfect and magnificent and who fly into a rage if anyone questions the lies. They do all kinds of toxic things to punish those who question their false reality such as outgrouping and even sabotaging. The other type have had a bit of as well are those with excessive “entitlement” – the ones I knew were up and coming but never quite made it – they were messy, sloppy and disorganised and acted like the world owed them the success they have never managed to achieve, their needs take priority over everyone else’s and everyone should pave the way for them. The female variant is described here: http://www.returnofkings.com/62889/why-you-must-avoid-flaky-holly-golightly-girls-at-all-costs . Anyway, I’m sure there are several other variants. Will agree with that “Flattery is a sign of bad things to come” . Definitely “keep records” – contracts in writing etc. Even take notes on what they say and what they say about their past so you can use it against them if necessary. Do not volunteer excessive information about yourself. “Be nice to them” – no. Be civil and polite to them, but no need for smiling or excessive friendliness. If it is practical, get them out of your life, handle them at arms length with as little contact as possible. I think I gave all these people too many chances, too much benefit of the doubt but ultimately just ended up dealing with them ruthlessly and with diffusing the guilt, but wasting time and draining my energy. It should be possible to engage with people in a more alpha way so they sense you are not a suitable target and it doesn’t start off the wrong way.

“acted like the world owed them the success they have never managed to
achieve, their needs take priority over everyone else’s and everyone
should pave the way for them.”

I couldn’t describe better people who I know. Exactly like that. I have an old relative that after many years behaving like that now claims he is depressed while I’m certain he is frustrated because he achieved nothing in life he thought he deserved while doing nothing.

They may be co-workers, clients, friends, family members, or lovers. We can’t avoid contact with them.

This might be optional advice for younger people, but as you get older, you find that you can exclude more and more difficult people from your life. At worst having a difficult boss to deal with should be the extent of that list, and even that can be corrected if one has marketable job skills.

You’ll be far, far more happier not bothering to deal with difficult people than having these emotional vampires slowly drain your life away.

I’ve heard and seen that before. 80% either like you or just don’t want issues. There’s 20% that don’t like you to the point of acting out and creating situations. That 20% can be detected early on by non-verbal cues and behaviour. It’s easier said than done, to just avoid them. But the best policy, depending on your work environment, is to ignore them and be an example of team-work and being a “company man.” Then when the shit hits the fan, it’s the psychopaths that look bad. I hate to admit it, because it sucks, but most of workplace success is image and relationships and NOT real work or talent.

Absolutely! I just avoid them, altogether. I go around them, directly to the parties who can best help me achieve what i need. See them in the hallway? Ghost ’em. I do this with women, too. Ignoring them pisses ’em off. 🙂

Once they are recorded being total dicks, especially if they are violating company policy, get their phone number and call them and play a bit of the recording and leave it as a message. I can assure you that gotcha moment is great.
Act as if nothing has occurred if they try to confront you.

“Sometimes bad news needs to be revealed right away. Sometimes it needs to be released little by little, like drops of water. And sometimes it will be better if it is delayed for a time.

It all depends on the type of difficult person you are dealing with.”

Very true, its taken me a long time to understand this with people. I’m usually the sort to reveal and deal with bad news straight away as i hate holding onto it, but it is important sometimes to known the right way to approach somebody

I’ve been on both sides, there are times when it is absolutely necessary
to be “difficult”. Talk to other difficult people with respect, tact,
and document everything but first…listen to them. Difficult guy
usually isn’t doing a lot of listening himself, compensate for this and
you’ll save alot of time talking over each other.

If I ever do something dumb like marry in the west, I will have a backup plan ready for getting out of it if it heads that way. Disappear, fuck off to asia or south america or wherever under a new identity. If we all started doing this women would eventually be forced to change their behavior once they see that the state can’t help them get to our money.

‘Everyone hates difficult people. I generally try to befriend them. Not all of them, of course. But sometimes I almost look on it as a challenge. Sometimes these people are so eager for any warm human contact that they will trip over themselves to return the favor to you.’ Wise counsel indeed…or in other words kill em’ with kindness.

If anyone should be shamed, it’s me, for watching Trainwreck. What a boring dumb piece of shit. So bad, if the CIA ever tortured me and the gave me the choice between waterboarding and watching this, I pick the former. At least I preserve a modicum of dignity. Also, if they make me watch Trainwreck, I’ll tell on them to the Human Rights Commission.

But seriously, going after a 17 year old for telling the same jokes she says, except his was funny. Plus, he’s a child! How dare you, you slut?

Per #3: Never accept a “verbal contract.” Never make important decisions over the phone. If it isn’t in print (an email is fine) it doesn’t happen.

This is especially true when dealing with contractors. Like insurance companies, contractors get paid by cheating you as much as possible and “forgetting” to do things that were discussed off the written bid. (But they will never forget to charge you for it.)

Which goes back to #1. Paying someone up-front for work never done is asking to be robbed. If your company is such a failure you can’t afford to do the jobs you bid, you don’t deserve the job.

Your money is gone forever the moment that check clears, with absolutely zero recourse. You want to try to bring a civil suit against a company that operates out of the back of a truck and can dissolve itself and re-file under a new name for $25? Then you’re a fool.

There are two types of difficult people: those in your camp and those outside your camp. I used to work as a divorce attorney, a field full of difficult people. Fortunately, I didn’t have any difficult people in my camp (ie. in my office who I had to work with on a daily basis) but a good 2/3rds of the other lawyers and their clients qualified as “difficult”. You need everything in writing and preferably with an audio recording of what went down.
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In 4 years I had 3 professional complaints lodged against me, all from women: one lawyer and two from their bitch-cunt clients. In dealing with the Law Society, the women who worked there actually took these complaints seriously. As soon as the file landed in the lap of a guy he said WTF is this? It either got summarily dismissed or else I got a slap on the wrist with a nudge-nudge-wink-wink to not be a bad boy again.

Recommendation: make them think it is their idea. These shit heads will drag you down with their problems but won’t follow any of your advice. If you can put a solution in their little peanut minds and then disavow it, they think they solved the problem themselves.

Even today, work old school & hardcore at doing what you do- those with their neck on the line higher up see it and vouch for you. Have had paper chasers on me before and effectively told them I would gladly take anything they could dish, if they could even just touch what I just repaired (safety violation). Went in front of empty suit who read me what I had stated to them as a quote, stuck to mah gunz…….and it pissed off. Be a man, produce, and the lines will bend. That said, also watch your back and don’t play someone else’s game. Know when you have the upper hand but also when to stand off. + Avoid females at work like the plague

Distance is the answer to dealing with stupid, or negative people. Getting away from people trying to steal my peace of mind has paid huge dividends for me. Every year at a certain date I thought “who was the biggest troublemaker last year. I then deleted that person from my Life. Wow I got rid of most of my hassles in Life. this year there was no person who had to be thrown out.

Right now I’m working with a chain company that’s in receivership and restructuring. They had hired whole crews of illegals, saying that they work harder than Americans and as supervisors they set an example. Bullshit! I’m on the 4th store now and they all play the same game. They LOOK like they’re working hard, but do things backwards and wrong to hold things up so they can collect overtime. And they all pull the same stunt; pretending to not understand English so managers treat them like 3 year olds and give up trying to get them to comply with work standards. They’re killing them with overtime and managers can’t deal with them. Yet you hear them in the parking lot talking perfect English on their cell phones. When Americans are brought in to work alongside them, they make the job environment so dysfunctional and abrasive that the Americans quit after a few weeks.
Since working at the current store I’ll tell a guy something one time. When he starts with the “no, no. . .” and making like he’s a poor immigrant who doesn’t understand and I have to let him continue doing things his way, I say, in a pretty loud voice, “Shut your mouth, if you can’t speak English you don’t work here. If you don’t follow directions you get fired. Your next warning is a write up and after that you’ll be fired!” (Or pretty close to that!) When I catch an Hispanic supervisor giving intentionally confusing orders to an American, I write him up for not knowing his job, and offer to let him step down.
This is after months of trying to deal with these people. And you know what? This current store has eliminated overtime and things are actually running pretty well. This isn’t the typical case set forth by the article, but I wanted to share it because, damn, it feels good.

“Is this your homework Larry?” Great article. I was documenting EVERYTHING at this one job I had and when they tried to “fuck a stranger in the ass” I turned it around so hard on them I got to watch the cops escort their embezzling asses off of company property.

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