The comedian and TV presenter advises readers.

Graham Norton

By Graham Norton

12:00PM GMT 27 Jan 2009

Dear Graham

I suspect my wife is addicted to diets. She's never happier than when she's on one. While everyone else is feeling miserable and broke after the holidays, my wife is planning with secret joy her latest diet campaign in minute detail. It doesn't help, of course, that at this time of year all the papers and magazines are full of diet plans.

Egged on by Basha, our Polish cleaner, she's just embarked on something called the cabbage soup diet, a hideous regime that makes her bad-tempered, headachy and exhausted – and gives her evil brassica breath (we won't mention the other side effect). The fact of the matter is she never actually loses any weight at the end of these punitive diets. She just wastes an awful lot of time.

I like her just the way she is – curvy and solid. How can I get her to enjoy life and stop worrying about how she's going to look in a bikini? Our last beach holiday was in 1992. Next year we will be eligible for freedom passes. It's ridiculous!Freddy P, Northamptonshire

Dear Freddy

You state very clearly that your wife is never happier than when she is on one of her fad diets – so apart from the odd bit of wind wafting past you and the Polish cleaner, where's the harm? I'm sure it's frustrating that your love isn't enough to reassure her and she needs the mirror to tell her that she looks beautiful but very few of us have a totally healthy body image.

Although she may not lose much weight when she is busy counting calories, imagine for a moment what epic proportions she might reach if she didn't do these diets every year. A freedom pass is of little use if you can't actually fit on a bus.

Perhaps you could make a deal where you set a time frame for putting an end to her dreams of salvation through starvation. Two more years and she can retire to graze peacefully until death and you don't have to listen to her wittering on about how she can't eat an egg until she has had a grapefruit first.

The problem with all the miracle diets and exercise regimes is that even if they work we are just a skinnier version of ourselves and who we really want to look like is the model on the cover of the video or the box of strawberry-flavoured powder. Watch a few episodes of Extreme Makeover to see the pain in the eyes of the participants when they see the mirror for the first time and realise that they are still the same person just with clean hair and whiter teeth.

Allow your wife to enjoy chasing after something she will never get because if she did ever achieve the perfect body it wouldn't make her happy. Greyhounds enjoy chasing that bit of rabbit fur on a roller skate – think how upset they would be if they ever caught it.

Dear Graham

I've fallen madly in love with my flatmate. I've been cheering her up after she was dumped by her boyfriend a few weeks ago and now realise I have very strong feelings for her myself. I don't want to break the trust she has in me by telling her how I feel. But I'm not sure how long I can keep a lid on things.

Ever since her break-up she's been moping about the flat with her hair in a sort of Arab turban. When she gets back from work she goes straight into her pyjamas. Should I suggest taking her out to dinner one evening, or somehow get the message across when we're sitting down to our usual fish fingers in front of the tv?Sean N, London

Dear Sean

First things first. How long is your lease? If it is anything longer than three months then keep your feelings to yourself. If you might be moving soon anyway then what have you got to lose?

I'm not sure the fish finger route is the way to go so try your idea of going out together in order to cheer her up. To be honest I'll be very surprised if you get anywhere because this woman is clearly not ready to move on. Wandering around the flat in a turban and pyjamas sounds like someone who is more in love with her heartbreak than she ever was with the man.

The other problem is you have now been placed in an area of her brain marked ''friends'' and it will take more than a dinner and a back rub to refile you under ''l'' for ''lover''. I'm sure it would be possible to choreograph some sort of drunken fumble but do you really want to feel like you have taken advantage of someone?

The fact is you have spent quite a bit of time with this girl and feel as if you've fallen for her. That tells me that you are probably a bit lonely – certainly for female company – and if your social life improved your crush might dwindle away. I fear the search for the love of your life may take you further afield than your own kitchen.

Dear Graham

Why are men so rubbish at talking on the phone? My fiancé is working in Houston for six months and whenever we speak on the phone it always feels as if I'm rabbiting on while he's not really there at all. He tends to just grunt, rather than want a proper two-way conversation. Normally we talk for hours without running out of conversation, but that's when we're in the same room, rather than thousands of miles apart.

We do email and send texts but it's not the same as hearing the voice of the person you love. Can you train a man to be more phone-friendly?Alex B, Kent

Dear Alex

Progress can be made but you may as well accept right now that no straight man will ever be as good on the phone as you'd like. The training is simple – ask questions that require more than one-word answers. Chat about things that you know will provoke a response. Never ask him, for instance, if you think you should get your hair cut, instead just tell him how much it is going to cost.

Deliberately say something ill-informed about a subject he is very knowledgeable about. If he sees a movie or reads a book then make sure you do too so you can talk about it. Above all, though, the golden rule is to shut up. The more you speak the less he will feel the need to. Also, don't worry if conversations are very short. All you really need to do is remind him you are alive and that he still loves you.

Remember, people rarely fall in love with someone who works in a call centre. Love is meant to be physical and he'll be home before you know it.