Meeting commenced with the President thanking Sir Talbot for making the effort to fly to Washington to personally brief him on the findings of British Intelligence. POTUS asked if Duckenweave would like a cup of coffee, but Sir Talbot said he preferred tea, with a crumpet if at all possible. Crumpets were secured. Tea was served. Tea was rejected on the basis of being a dangly bag, not a proper pot thereof.

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Admiral Miles said a rude word. General McBrisket had to be asked to put down his iPad.

POTUS asked who had the most up to date intel on the situation.

McBrisket said that NSA was all over it.

POTUS gave him permission to turn on his iPad again.

Head of NSA McBrisket reported that Angela Merkel was secretly backing Latvia to which POTUS responded he hadn’t realised Latvia had been drawn into the confrontation between Moscow and Kiev. Head of NSA rolled his eyes and went ‘Pfft’ as if POTUS didn’t even know what he was talking about because Latvia was totally going to take out Eurovision this year and although Merkel had to publicly support the German contestants, XWORD FILTER ECHELON intercepts of her private cell phone had caught her telling Mister Merkel that she thought Latvia…

Head of NSA trailed off when he looked up from his iPad and saw the President’s face.

POTUS indicated, forcefully, that he was not interested in Chancellor Merkel’s wagers on the Eurovision Song Contest and was instead seeking actionable intelligence he might use to respond to the current crisis.

“You might have noticed the crisis, General, it’s been on all the news channels,” said the President.

Sir Talbot Duckenweave put down his crumpet and, after removing the butter from his fingers by using it to twirl the ends of his handlebar moustache, declared that the President was quite right. McBrisket had completely ignored the crisis which was straining the resources of Her Majesty’s Secret Intelligence Service to its limit.

POTUS asked that Sir Talbot elaborate.

“Well they’re all starkers, of course. All of them. It’s all anyone at HQ can talk about. One hardly knows where to look.”

POTUS responded that he wasn’t sure what the Head of SIS meant.

POTUS asked, “Did you mean the Russians are ‘stark raving mad? Is that the English term?”

Sir Talbot responded that, no, his service was in an absolute tizz because of the millions of hours of video chat they’d intercepted and analysed so far, most of the take consisted of subjects without pants waving their wobbly bits at the camera.

“You’ve got footage of Putin’s wobbly bits?” POTUS demanded to know.

“Who?” Sir Talbot asked. “Oh, him? No.” Head of SIS explained that the Secret Service did not have to break in on any encrypted traffic to see Mr Putin’s wobbly bits. “He’s forever flopping them in public.”

No, explained Sir Talbot. SIS had affected a major intelligence gathering coup by hacking open Yahoo’s video chat service and siphoning off the entire archive which, as he’d just explained, had turned out to mostly consist of people flashing each other their rude bits. It was more than his poor analysts could stand. He explained that, “Most of these people on the internet have let themselves go. They are not easy to look at, Mr President.”

POTUS looked at Sir Talbot for quite a long time, saying nothing.

“Admiral Miles?” he sighed at last, turning to Head of CIA. “Do you have anything for me?”

“Do I ever!” Miles cried out.

POTUS held up one hand and asked Head of CIA if he had anything on the Russian military intervention in Ukraine. Head of Central Intelligence demurred saying, no, not exactly. But he did have comprehensive coverage of attempts by a Mister Dermott Terwilliger of Beaver's Lick, Arkansas to secure himself a second Russian bride on the internet because the first one was 'all wore out'.

POTUS asked in quite a cold voice what that had to do with the situation in the Ukraine. Head of CIA pointed out that a lot of people, like Mister Putin for example, often mistook Ukraine for being part of Russia and so this Terwilliger character would bear much closer examination.

Sir Talbot opined that if it was the same Terwilliger he'd seen on Yahoo Video Chat he could assure everyone that the fellow in question actually didn't bear looking at very closely indeed.

POTUS brought the meeting to a close with the sound of his quiet weeping.