Sunday, September 17, 2017

Never Give Up?

I am having a hard time letting this one go. Honestly, I am pissed. My last friend to get pregnant announced it on social media yesterday. Ok, whatever, she called me to tell me so I knew the announcement was coming...

But.

Ugh. I hated it. I hate how she announced it!!!

She posted a pic of a bunch of her needles in a heart shape (which I think is extremely personal and kind of gross but whatever I guess) surrounding a onesie that said something about things being worth the wait.

(Ok. A little weird, but people are entitled to their own choices.)

She wrote out ALL of their treatments, what all they had done and how many treatments failed.

(Ok, now we're definitely getting too far into Overshare Territory for my tastes, but, again, people can share what they choose to share.)

But, it's how she ended it that makes me want to scream and break things:
"For those struggling with infertility, I want to encourage you not to give up."

Oh really???

So, I gave up, huh?
What? I didn't want it bad enough?
I didn't try hard enough?
Did I not deserve it?
Or, let me guess, it just wasn't meant to be; things happen for a reason... UGH. GROSS.

Thankfully, I am super secure in my decision to stop treatments. As I've written before, they were killing my soul. I was a shell of a person. I was depressed and hollow and inactive and in a very very bad, very very dark spot. So, my former friend's comments don't make me question my decisions, but they do hurt my feelings.

Of course, she is not going to be thinking of me when she announces her pregnancy. Of course she is not going to be thinking about how her cry of "Never give up!" will affect the infertile women who will never get pregnant.

But why didn't she think of me?

She has been dealing with infertility for years. She came to me for advice about finding a doctor and what to expect with IVF and how to deal with failed treatments. We've been friends since high school. She knows how badly I always wanted to be a mother. Or, at least, I thought she did.

I'm having a hard time letting go of this one, but writing this post is helping. I HATE it when women who struggled to get pregnant suddenly seem to have amnesia about the whole experience once they get pregnant/have a baby.

I suppose, the worst part was that she was doing a gender reveal (I freaking hate those) live on social media at a certain time, so everyone could tune in and watch. Um, no thank you. So she's already gone. My friend who only just began her second trimester is lost to mommy madness already. I wish her well.

And for anyone else, in case you need a healthy reminder:
IT IS MORE THAN OKAY TO GIVE UP.

oh gosh, I hate that "never give up" sentiment too! I would never say that to someone. The implication being if someone infertile just tried x number of treatments it would work but I've heard so many stories where it doesn't work and surely someone's own emotional health is also important? Deciding to stop treatment is a brave decision.

Oh man, I am so sorry that your friend didn't think of you when announcing. I HATE Never Give Up, myself. I feel like it is incredibly easy for someone who got what she wanted out of this hell to tell others what their stopping point should be (never! 20 cycles? What if the next one is THE ONE? DON'T GIVE UP ON YOUR DREAM!!!), like they suddenly have all the answers. I have seen the needles thing, and it drives me crazy. I hid someone who did a whole pregnancy reveal video themed with Never Give Up and had the needle heart and an early ultrasound and it sort of filled me with fury because like you said, it was like she forgot how that might not exactly be INSPIRING to others who are struggling or who had to stop the madness. I struggle with "worth the wait" because I can't help but feel that it implies an inverse "You're a quitter," but that's not exactly true. And I had an eye on a onesie myself once upon a time that said "Worth the Wait" on it, so I can't judge too much on that one. I'm so sorry that this came at a raw time, and that your friend was thoughtless. It's different when it's an acquaintance (as my situation was), when it's a friend it feels like a betrayal. Thinking of you and sending you big fat hug, and your friend a big flipped bird. :)

Hi Phoenix, thanks for this post, it can't be said enough. I agree with everything you are saying. I don't believe that people who are successful with fertility treatment can ever really, properly relate to how living in limbo kills the soul (you express that perfectly). I've written about how a pregnant friend got angry with me when I said I was stopping all treatment, telling me I was giving up and that it would definitely work for me if I tried X, Y and Z. Leave me alone, let me do this, f-off. We don't all have the same factors or outcomes, you idiot. That's what I wanted to say. As for social media and "But why didn't she think of me?".... How many times have I thought that myself, over the last decade, when a close relative said or posted the 100th insensitive thing for the 100th time. The truth is: nobody thinks of me, that's the way of the world. Do they assume I just breezed through the ivf and everything, because I don't talk about it? All I know is, when your sister thinks it's OK to post pics of herself with another person's kid and publicly call herself 'auntie' and call that kid her niece, then yeah, it's official - nobody cares about my experience. Apart from those who've been through it - that's a fact.