Could you move your giant kebab? I can’t see the pole-vaulting.

I had a little look at the list of things one cannot take into the Olympics. I laughed; I cried; I shouted at my monitor. I thought I would share some of the corkers with you.

First, we have the list of Prohibited Items. These are absolute no-no’s.

The list ranges from the airport-like “liquids, aerosols and gels in quantities greater than 100ml” – thirsty work, spectating – to the supremely vague “any item which could be used to demonstrate or sabotage property” – the graphic usefully shows a tent; yes, a tent – to the incomprehensible “Personal/private wireless access points and 3G hubs”, to the downright bizarre “sharpened combs, modified belt buckles“.

Was the author of the list smoking weed while watching Escape from New York before compiling it?

Even funnier, is the list of Restricted Items. These are probably naughty and may lead to you dying at the hands of a G4S employee, so seek advice if you’re unsure. They include oversized hats and vuvuzelas (although, I don’t understand what advice could be sought on a vuvuzela – it is either prohibited or not).

The rationale behind these Restricted Items is that they “may disrupt competition, obstruct the view of other spectators or create a safety hazard”. So, naturally they include “excessive amounts of food” – Excuse me. Could you move your giant kebab? I can’t see the pole-vaulting.

And, of course, “any objects or clothing bearing political statements”. You can see how someone might be so distracted by your Che Guevara T-shirt they fall down a shaft, in the part of the Stadium we couldn’t afford to finish. God forbid you should turn up in your 80s “Feed The World” baseball cap. Usain Bolt might be so mesmerised he forgets to sprint.

There is, of course, a secret password which will allow you to take any of these items into the stadium. You just approach a G4S member of staff and whisper in their ear: “Chips”.

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The idea is that you attend the games stark ballcock naked, dressed only with one’s Visa card. (No other credit cards allowed.)
Then you buy all the official games merchandise from the Nike Linford Christie limited edition “Look what’s inside my lunchbox” boxers, to the H2FiveO drinks.
Once supplied with the officially recognised olympic basic human needs, you may progress to spending a wadge load more cash on the tacky official paraphenalia.

Then you go home with nothing left on the Visa card but the faint scent of daylight robbery.

I wonder if I could wear my All you need is Love T-shirt? Is it political? And what would they do if I removed it when asked? Being a quite well-endowed middle-aged woman and all that. Oh the potential for fun…

Overly sized hats! Who decides what is overly sized? If, for example, a mariachi band (sans dangerous instruments obviously) turn up, are the hats overly sized or appropriate! Is it discrimination? A group of fervent Texicans, wearing 10gallon hats! Bad taste or big hat? Surely a bevy of traditionally dressed Welsh ladies, would not constitute hat largess!

And excuse me, but surely wearing a, let’s say hypothetically, fucking great big Union Jack shirt is political. I’m sure the RoI would think so! Or Argentina. Luckily there won’t be many people wearing overtly political national flags, on perhaps, Lycra or vests or anything!