Russia

Former US National Security Agency contractor Edward Snowden announced this morning that he had “clear evidence” that the 2016 US election was rigged by Russian hackers in favor of Donald Trump.

“I have received confirmation through Guccifer 2.0 that malware was used in the electronic voting machines that lead to the victory of Donald Trump” Snowden told an internet conference in Berlin, speaking via a video link from Russia, where he has been living as a fugitive.

“ We aren’t surprised that the elections were rigged. Instead, we are surprised that they were rigged in favor of Donald Trump.” – Edward Snowden

Analysts fear tensions with the Russians could lead to another war if the Russians are banned from participating in the Olympic games. The Russian sports minister says “up to 67 athletes” have applied to track and field’s world governing body to be exempted from the ban on the Russian team at the Rio de Janeiro Olympics

The IAAF is unlikely to approve most of the 67 athletes, since it has previously indicated the exemption is aimed at a small minority of athletes based abroad.

When a global governing body for sports barred Russia’s track and field team from the 2016 Summer Olympics on Friday over a wide-ranging doping scandal, it was greeted in Russia, as is with a deep sense of victimhood.

President Vladimir V. Putin of Russia called the decision “unjust, of course.”

Outside Russia, sporting officials viewed the unanimous decision as a long overdue restoration of some fairness in competitions. After all, in some sporting events Russian athletes had been trouncing competitors for years before it turned out they were using performance-enhancing drugs.

In the global arms war, it is often about who can advance in technology and tactics the fastest. Despite that fact, the United States government has seemingly decided to take a different approach while handling the very difficult situation in Ukraine regarding Russia.

Over the last 90 days, the number of cases of vodka has risen by nearly 100 percent per week across the boarder of the Ukraine and into counties in Southwest Russia. Soldiers have been seen inebriated in public areas and on military posts have increased by 25 percent in the last two months. None of the overflow of vodka has not gone to waste, as the Russian public seems to keep pace with any supply increase.

“We have seen an increase of vodka, yes,” Said General Tarasovich. “We believe the Americans are attempting to challenge our ability to stay a united and driven front. The attempt is futile. We have a long and storied history of drinking. The Americans have no idea what they are dealing with.”

Sources say that the attempt may be to slow the effective advancement of troops into the Ukraine over the coming months. The United States has a lot on its respective plates in Iraq and atrocities in Africa. A hefty push by Russia into the Ukraine is the last thing the military needs.

Said U.S. Admiral Jonathan Hathaway, “The United States Government can neither confirm, nor deny, the use of indigestible spirits as a strategy of war. Nor could we discuss any discussions regarding the possibility of such strategies.”

The Admiral did divulge one piece of supposed information.

“I will say that if the U.S. Government had been using spirits to attempt to inebriate the soldiers of Russia, in order to slow their advances, that it would be a wholly misguided attempt. The one thing you cannot do to a Russia is challenge him to drink, and expect to come out the victor.”

He continued, “If one were to send alcohol to the Russians, it would be better served as a pledge of good faith that they will behave themselves while we deal with other pressing matters that deserve our attention.”

In the weeks since the increase, Ukrainian hospitals have seen the admission levels for drunk driving and alcohol poisoning skyrocket. No reports of Russian soldiers have been noted in any of the facilities thus far. Various Russian military vehicles have been found ditched on the side of the road, however.

Government officials in the Ukraine are confirming reports this morning that the Russian military has dropped a nuclear bomb just outside the city of Donetsk. The explosion, which was caught on film by several people located only 15 or 20 short miles from the blast site, has reportedly leveled an entire city.

“Strained relations with Russia, as separatists try to regain control of our government and join our country with the former Soviets, has caused issues for a long time,” said Ukrainian government spokesman Vasyl Borys. “At this time, we have no further comment on the matter except to confirm that a bomb was dropped near Donetsk, and that Russian military agents have claimed responsibility.”

A Russian military doctrine states that the country is only entitled to use nuclear weapons as a last resort, and normally only in retaliation for an attack, or impending attack, against the country.

“Frankly, our doctrine is straight der’mo. In English, just shit. Utter shit,” said Russian military general Vladmir Bulgakov. “I am not waiting for anyone to attack me. I will do what I want, when I want, and attack any country, at any time. Ukraine, China, Serbia, Germany…they are all just places that should be vyrovennyy, leveled. Indeed, United States is next target for Russian military. U.S. military, they are sukas. Bitches. I will make sure we crush them all.”

President Obama, who is on vacation in Jamaica with his family, could not be reached for immediate comment on the Russian threat. General Joe Goldsmith, of the United States Army, said that Russian forces were of “no real concern” to the United States at this time.

“Speaking on behalf of the United States Military, I’d just like to say that Russia, or any country that threatens us for that matter, can go straight to hell,” said General Goldsmith. “We have the strongest military in the world, and we don’t take any shit. They can drop all the nukes they want on the Ukraine. Hell, I didn’t even know the Ukraine was a real place until I heard the news. But trust me – no one is going to drop bombs on the United States.”

One thing that’s always been a given in Hollywood is that studio executives love controversy, money, and pissing off world leaders. A decision by Sony Pictures on Monday confirmed what many had worried – a sequel to The Interview will be made, with a slated release date of October, 2016.

Blandly called The Interview 2, the likely-to-be-controversial film will feature the same cast, including Seth Rogen and James Franco. The plot of the film is reported to be based on the duo gaining an interview with Russian President Vladimir Putin, with shenanigan-filled attempts to end his life. The upcoming movie is already being referred to as a “ballsy move,” from competitors like Universal Studios, and “extremely stupid” by Lionsgate Films.

The new movie’s screenwriter, Mitchell Greenberg, believes his idea is just what America needs for moving into 2016. “The world is just getting crazier and crazier, with more secret threats from rival countries every day,” Greenberg said. “Why not poke fun at Putin before he blows us up? It’s going to happen sometime anyway. Who knows, maybe I’ll be known as the man who made Vladimir Putin laugh.”

Many people, although annoyed that America is trying to re-live a threat, think that perhaps the movie is needed to assert the power of the United States. Mathias Perry, an opinion columnist from Arkansas said, “We need to show those foreign bastards that we as Americans have power, and we are not afraid to use it. Above all, it’s just a movie and isn’t meant to be taken seriously. If this thing starts World War III, then at least it was started before the number and power of nuclear weapons increased anymore.”

Carla Bronson of New York City highly opposes the creation of the sequel. “Letting stupid people like these screenwriters run free is what will destroy our country, and potentially destroy the world! If there’s nothing good to say, don’t say it at all.”

Neither Russian president Putin, nor anyone on his staff, had a comment on Sony’s announcement of the new film.

The Associated Press in New York City, New York is receiving reports from the office of North Korean second-in-command Hwan Cho that North Korean Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un has been killed during a horrific snowmobiling accident just hours ago.

In the onslaught of reports bombarding press rooms, it is said that Kim Jong-un received a snowmobile as a Christmas gift from Russian President Vladimir Putin. The two had previously bonded over their shared hatred of the United States, and had developed a very close friendship according to North Korean third-in-command Chung Chin-mae, who has released a more detailed statement of the tragic account.

In his statement sent worldwide, Chung said that the Supreme Leader had taken the gift out for a joyride just after breakfast.

“It is with a heavy heart filled with sadness that I issue my words upon the people of the world, and relay this tragic message. Kim Jong-un has died after an accident involving the snowmobile given to him as a Christmas gift by Russian President Putin. Supreme Leader took the machine out for riding, and struck a tree branch. He was decapitated, dying only hours later,” Chung said in the statement.

Of course, the news bring mixed emotions among the public of North Korea. Some citizens have taken to the streets with joy, holding signs with phrases of relief, such as”We Are Free”, “The Evil Has Died”, and “America Wins.”

The thirty-one year old Kim had assumed the office of North Korean Supreme Leader on December 17th, 2011. He is survived by his spouse, Ri Sol-ju, a child, Kim Ju-ae, and live-in man slave Dong Bong-cha. Funeral arrangements have not been announced. Second-in-command Hwan Cho has reportedly assumed the title of Supreme Leader of North Korea.

A Russian whistleblower has spilled the beans on another planned invasion of Ukraine by Russian forces, this time aided by a specially trained and bred species of attack bees.

The ‘Russianized’ bees were housed and trained in what the informant described as “anger hives,” specially constructed to keep the bees constantly agitated and ready for attack.

Through a translator he said, “We interrupted the bees’ sleep and work cycles and sometimes would poke the anger hives with sticks and broom handles. At first we were not given adequate protection to keep us from getting bee stings, and one of our workers had to be hospitalized after he accidentally tipped over one of the bee boxes. I was stung only a few times, but my friend was stung many hundreds of times.”

After the February 14 Ukrainian Revolution, Russia stepped up hardline efforts to re-establish control in the troubled region. Special military forces annexed Crimea, an act that Russian President Vladimir Putin reluctantly admitted after many international inquiries for answers.

It is unclear whether the worldwide collapse of bee populations is connected with Russian bee recruitment efforts, although the unnamed informant did provide some clues as to how the bees were obtained.

“We were ordered to plant many special fields of clover and other plant and flowers that would attract the bees. These orders came directly from President Putin. We sprayed the plants with synthetic bee hormones to attract them, and then with smoke machines and nets we were able to calm and capture them for the hives.”

As for the ‘training,’ it was explained that following the bees’ capture, the anger hives were placed in a greenhouse type structure where they were exposed to bright lights 24 hours a day, with loud ‘Ukrainian style’ music played throughout the day. Teams of ‘box bangers’ were also recruited to agitate the bees. The box bangers would rhythmically hit the hives with sticks at pre-determined times during the day at pre-set intervals timed to coincide with specific musical passages. It was believed that this schedule provided a command structure for the bees, thus making them easier to attack when triggered by the replay of the musical selection.

Russian authorities have denied the story. A spokesman for the Russian military said the charges come from “the delusions of an ex-member of our forces who received what you would call a dishonorable discharge. These absolutely ridiculous rumors came from an individual labeled a misfit. He could not withstand the rigors and discipline of military training.”

At present, it is unclear if bee recruitment and training did progress to the level explained by the informant, as no physical evidence can be found of either the fields used to attract the bees, or the anger hive structures.

“That is not surprising,” said the informant. “Why would they admit such a thing? I saw it with my own eyes and have several bee-stings to prove what I saw is true. Someday the world will know that I am not a crazy person and that I speak the truth,” he added.