Ranking each Premier League team by their transfer window

Arsenal

Sead Kolasinac is the perfect signing for 2009 Arsenal, when they were a club who that prick from school who spends 90% of his time instagramming from the gym accurately described as ‘soft lads’, but they’re actually better stocked for guys that never run away during a fight than they used to be. He’ll be useful, but doesn’t really solve too many of their problems.

Alexandre Lacazette is expensive but delicate, like a Faberge egg. Most importantly, however, they sold Wojciech Szczesny but kept David Ospina, which is just stupid.

Yaya Sanogo’s gone, though, which I guess counts for something.

5/10

Bournemouth

Bournemouth have brought in some actual proper Premier League players, even if their defenders still have the names of home counties actuaries.

Nathan Ake has shown he can perform for the club, Jermain Defoe is somehow more durable than Callum Wilson, and Proper Premier League goalkeeper Asmir Begovic is an improvement on *checks Wikipedia* Artur Boruc? Really? He’s got to be in his mid-forties by now.

6/10

Brighton

I have no idea who any of those players are with the exception of Maty Ryan, the man responsible for convincing us Memphis Depay was a talented footballer by throwing his pea-roller into his own net at the last World Cup.

Davy Propper has a good name, like he might be the singer from a glam rock band that had a Christmas number five that still makes it onto those compilation double albums.

4/10

Burnley

They’re basically Pulis-era Stoke, now, after signing Jon Walters and Phil Bardsley, but for some reason are relying on Chris Wood, a man from New Zealand, to replace Andre Gray’s goals. Actually I’ve just checked and he’s only 25, despite having seemingly been playing professional football for 26 years. They’ve also binned off walking haircut George Boyd, which is a shame. I liked him.

4/10

Chelsea

Now that all the ‘his name is Bart’ jokes about Antonio Rudiger have been done, we can all agree spending £25m on a back-up centre-back isn’t the best move. Especially if the four senior signings they’ve made so far, plus the discovery of another Hazard brother under a sofa in Hungary, end up being the only ones.

Tiemoue Bakayoko and Alvaro Morata are both good players but Premier League novices, while Willy Caballero is Willy Caballero. Yeah.

5/10

Crystal Palace

Smart move from Frank de Boer, signing Ruben Loftus-Cheek and Tim Fosu-Mensah so it looks like they’ve loaned four players instead of two. A 38-year-old Julian Speroni might accidentally have ended up as their first-choice goalkeeper, which doesn’t feel good.

2/10

Everton

Sure, in theory it looks good, but they’ve just 2013 Spursed it. Spaffing £100m on four men with the same hairline is counteracted by the loss of Romelu Lukaku and the disintegration of Ross Barkley. Signing Gylfi Sigurdsson to silently judge Wayne Rooney’s free-kicks is an interesting move, at least.

Still, Ademola Lookman had a good Under-20s tournament, eh?

5/10

Huddersfield

Stop pretending you know who Steve Mounie is.

Actually looks like they’ve spent well for their 2019 promotion run, in fairness.

7/10

Leicester

Yeah, they’ve done well here. They’ve gone out and gone with a proper transfer policy, rather than signing people just because Gary Lineker tweeted about them that one time.

Shame about Kelechi Iheanacho wearing the number eight shirt yet not changing his name to Kelechi Iheanocho, but you can’t have everything.

7/10

Liverpool

Depends on whether Coutinho stays, innit.

?/10

Man City

The best of the bunch. They’ve gone and signed players for their problem positions, while ditching the deadwood. You know, like a proper football team with plans and ambitions. They’re winning the league, you guys.

9/10

Man Utd

Not a weak signing among them, but did United need more than three new arrivals? They’re unlikely to play more games than the 754 they faced last season, so they’ll probably be fine, and they somehow got £10m for human breadstick Adnan Januzaj.

8/10

Newcastle

Turns out it’s tough to put together a coherent transfer policy when the manager is trading blows with the board.

You try to finish your dinner while mummy and daddy are fighting and you’re stuck with cold peas and Mikel Merino. Them’s the breaks.

4/10

Southampton

Martin Caceres, we hardly knew thee

3/10

Stoke

There was a spell when it looked like Darren Fletcher would be Stoke’s marquee signing, which means it’ll be a relief to their fans to see them sign ALL THE CENTRE-BACKS.

They’ve also signed Jese, a man with Real Madrid and Paris Saint-Germain on his CV. Yeah, Stoke. I know, mate.

6/10

Swansea

They’ve signed Eidur Gudjohnsen’s 16-year-old half-brother, so they lose points for reminding us of the inevitability of death. Speaking of which, new boy Renato Sanches’ Euro ‘16 glory and big-money Bayern Munich move seems like it was a decade ago. If the Gudjohnsen thing was a ploy to keep Gylfi Sigurdsson around by having someone who he can speak Icelandic to, fair fucks. but it didn’t work.

Tottenham

Paulo Gazzaniga is a reincarnation of Paul Gascoigne, which is weird seeing as the original one isn’t dead. Guess that’s why he’s only allowed to play in goal.

Elsewhere they’ve broken their transfer record on a 21-year-old defender and replaced Kyle Walker with a man who almost certainly wouldn’t have been allowed into the UK if he wasn’t a footballer. Could do better.