Just the usual mish-mash blog post where I dump some art and talk about life things. I animated Ryuunosuke Uryuu and Gilles de Rais (Caster) from Fate/Zero again. I was in process of rambling about them in a blog post, but am putting that aside to ramble about more recent things time…

I got some autism friendly toys!!

It’s too irresistible to buy a lot with online shopping, but I urgently needed to get some stimming toys in my life the second I saw videos showing autistic toys existed. I impulse bought a few toys, some of these are recommended for children in general but the ones I got are pretty specific to autistic needs. For starters I got 4 chewy toys on necklaces.To explain why, they are a nice zero-calorie alternative to the sensory appeal of burning through packs of gum. I used to chew multiple pieces of gum at once and long after the flavor ran out and it became a grey unpalatable lump. That’s what calms me! I realized the only reason I grab at snack foods at parties is because I’m agitated out of my mind by the mere idea of having to break into conversation. I always confused myself how I won’t stop chomping down gummies if they are readily accessible.

These necklaces are already super satisfying my need to chew to get tension out of my jaw. Obviously I’m the type of autistic that craves deep pressure. I had to get a plastic plate to prevent me from grinding teeth at night, the dentist had said it was due to ‘stress’. I am assuming the only reason I was grinding while sleeping is because I wasn’t getting in enough deep pressure while conscious and was repressing autism my entire adult life up until now!! Alas, if dentists knew jack-sh*t about autism…wait, let me rephrase that…if anyone I’ve ever interacted with even knew jack-diddly-dang-about-autism, I maybe I would have had some leads towards pursuing a diagnosis way earlier on. Anyways, these chewies are fairly big and my molars are the ones that crave to bite down on things. I look like a bulldog trying to get my jaw around these things. Who says grown women aren’t allow to feel like a dog with a chew toy? Who has any right to determine what is permissible when there are people out there doing much more violent and atrocious actions that harm fellow humans? I chew on non-toxic plastic to get rid of nervous energy and focus better. Bite me.

I got the toys in the second picture from another Aussie site called Sensory Tools. Out of all of them the Tangle Jr. is the most insanely satisfying, I like how it wraps around my wrist like a bracelet. I want to keep an emergency pack of one of each of these toys in my backpack in order to prevent getting stressed when I’m out and about. I’m still trying to finish off the dragon sculpture on the right, which has been yet another project I started a month ago. That’s all I have to say for now, I just want to blog about art and little things that are helping me survive day by day.

So yeah Vela here, back at it again. Grappling with grief during horrible historic Covid times. I am dealing with way more inner turmoil than the average social-isolator, and have been trying to find some magic remedy for helping me calm myself when I am close to autistic meltdowns. Meltdowns are when I get stuck in negative and repetitive thought patterns it becomes impossible to reason my way out because I’m swamped with emotions. There are hardly any resources for adults in their 20s on the spectrum and especially for women, so I have to forge my own remedy. Here are some of my thoughts on distracting myself out of bad thinking patterns.

I lose myself in music. I go to my favorite playlist and play a song I’ve played near thousands of times. Often in Japanese. Often I sing along! It’s immediate escapism and instantly can send emotions like hope, joy and love. Stories and meaning imbued into music is what reaches out to me.

Gardening and tending to plants. I shamefully neglected my garden last year but have made an effort to tend and improve it now. Anytime I see an insect or bird in my yard I am able to focus on the present moment and feel happy again.

Writing. Blogging is best because I can revise as much as I want. I don’t like fiction writing at all haha. Refining the topics I write about here already expresses what I want to. The flow of language or knowing what I want to say doesn’t come easily to me first time round, but I still love it.

Movement. I find myself pacing, but I also like fitness. Yoga helps but really too much thinking is involved. When I need instant distraction, exercise like hopping on my rowing machine is better. I combine this with music and do my best thinking.

Observational drawing. When I (used to) go on public transport, I couldn’t possibly enjoy the long ride without a tiny sketchbook and pen. I realize now this is is a sort of ‘stimming’, a calming repetitive habit. It grounds me in a way that’s hard to explain. Basically focusing on sensory visual information right in front of me and trying to create a accurate sketch really helps clear my mind. I lose myself in observing how people move, outfits, accessories, their stories and all the charming quirks of normal people who aren’t posing. I get stumped drawing completely from imagination and often need a prompt right in front of me to get started. Being stuck inside means I haven’t kept up this habit as much.

Autodesk sketchbook doodle of my livingroom/desk

Stardew Valley Shane

Stardew Valley Shane

Its funny how many of my repetitive habits are good for me, I can’t go a day without exercise or sketching. Intensity means however that I don’t realize when I need to be nicer on myself, or when I get stuck in a loop of rigid thinking. I’d love to volunteer my skills once life is more normal, but a few things I was about to do for self-improvement have been squashed by COVID lol.

Also just for the heck of it I made an honest up-to-date influence map. Clockwise from the top-left is; Zdzisław Beksiński, animation arts, Kawayoo, Manglo/Yukaman, uen0a, Peter Sis and last but not least Kentaro Miura. A few of these artists’ work have been by my side for long time, like Peter Sis’ picture books and Berserk which changed my life in 2015.

I only discovered Zdzisław Beksiński recently but love his dream and nightmare imagery. I have fantastic dreams full of emotions and imagery I cant even name, but never seem to grasp the images again once I wake up, a big part of my artistic frustration comes from this. I would be lying if I didn’t put in some Disney stuff, but specifically ones like the Hunchback of Notre Dame. This darker feature was one of a few major stepping stones for me becoming obsessed with animation. Kawayoo has a lovely fresh ‘chunky’ way of painting and also is known for illustrating Pokemon cards. I put in “The Alchemist Discovering Phosphorous” to represent a large photo of classical paintings I stare at a lot.

‘Manglo/Yukaman’ often depicts miserable heartbroken girls. They aren’t afraid to illustrate excruciating pains of womanhood in a perverse but melancholic way, and I find it hard to take my eyes off the work. It’s erotic and grotesque. Raw and bloody but lathered in icing and sprinkles. Their work inspired me to change how I digitally illustrate because their work appears actually painted, not just layer-mode-monstrosities like 75% of artists. The sooner you break away from layer-dependency the better guys.

‘Uen0a’ (I found them on Pixiv) depicts my favorite Fate/zero characters interacting in a charming way with organic flowing lines. I kept learning Japanese through last year because their comics are a blessing to me. They express palpitating chemistry and tenderness with just a few lines. Minimal lines is a quality storyboard artists and animators aspire to, but usually many just resort to homogenized body types and facial expressions copied from someone else. This artist captures genuine warmth and feeling that no moment is the same as another.

You can improve technically yet still retain childlike joy in art. I see that in Peter Sis’s work. He’s an artist that imbues his unique Czechoslovakian heritage into his work. I had to scan the image below from ‘The Dragons are Singing Tonight‘. He often tells strange stories in the golden margins of his picture books which captured my heart as a child. The majority of his work is calm, reflective, spiritual and full of hope. Upon revisiting ‘The Three Golden Keys‘ I saw a page with a tiny depiction of violence in the margins. Suddenly it flooded back to me the fascination I had with those tiny drawings as a kid. Heheh sums up my development towards darkness that started in childhood. Screw Peppa Pig, I’ll be passing these beauties down if I have children.

god teir

Kentaro Miura is a just a downright storytelling god. It’s impossible for me to find one or two images that sum up Berserks’ immense impact on me, because Miura’s storytelling is in the juxtaposition and contrast, the small and the big panels. The cute and the hideous. Just read the manga! I often can be kept awake at night going over the complexities of Berserk metaphors in my mind. I believe one of Berserks’ morals is that suffering is inflicted without meaning, but in surviving it we find a meaning to live. In the lead up and in the wake of losing my mum to cancer, I turned back to re-reading Berserk. That is how much strength it gives me. Thank you, Kentaro Miura.

legendary

I had to make influence maps back in my school years and it’s validating to see how I’ve narrowed down the sort of work that appeals to me. Only a few years ago I was afraid I couldn’t break into animation. This map doesn’t represent and idealize any one approach, but just represents visuals, techniques and subject matter that have stuck with me, and specifically in recent years. I don’t think the Neopets art I was obsessed with in youth applies to what I aspire for now. Having your own artistic voice takes time and always keeps changing. A voice doesn’t mean not being versatile in what you draw, but means you know what stories, emotions and views on the world you connect with. People think art style is about copying someones cell shading or way they draw eyes, really it’s about knowing who the heck you are deep down.

Also..I would be ignoring my artistic heritage if i didn’t include a classic Neopets picture!

I’m still on break and that’s why I have all this time to blog and play 70 hours of Stardew Valley~ I still have yet to marry Shane in the game sighhh. Over and out for now.

Losing myself in painting has suddenly became very important to me since my mom passed away. The details and colours of life keep grabbing my attention more than what line drawings express to me currently. I didn’t think it would take daily grief and anxiety to completely to finally fall in love with light and color. I understand that art is meant to always be all on one layer, every little thing flows into one another. We have to take what experiences have happened to us, the happy and painful, and blend it all together for the rest of our lives. I’m looking forward to getting my first tattoo soon, am planning a indoor aquarium set-up for the old family turtle (featured below) and maybe just keep living as If I might die at the end of every week. It’s less stressful than it sounds and just means remembering to unapologetically be my crazy self.

Autodesk phone doodle

Dark Plain March

Paralysis

Autodesk phone doodle

Kids on the Beach

Kids on the Beach

Koishi Komeiji (Touhou)

Koishi Komeiji (Touhou)

Masochist

Wormy serpent (FlipaClip)

Take Me Away I Don’t Care

Autodesk phone doodle

Drawn for my friend

Traumacast

Also made a weird spontaneous horror inspired video with some oldish art and animations that were kicking around. I discovered Audacity and took it for a ride taking existing pop music and mangling it beyond recognition into droning a hellsoundscape. Bound to lose me a few fake-fans in the process.

It was just that merry special time of year, the Global Game Jam time of year. The theme was “repair” and me and my best programmer buddy Andrew made “Mind Repair Solutions’.No idea why the site added the number ‘5’ to the URL since I’m certain we are the only game with that name. The resulting game should show how much fun we had! We made this not by pulling all nighters but instead summoning years of consistent hard work and experience in art and code.

I love getting making every piece of art in a game. Whether it’s logos, icons, character animation or backgrounds; being a solo artist for a game you are able to make all the little elements tie together. To me’World building’ isn’t wasting time writing a 6 page game bible pontificating on things you aren’t actually creating. It’s all about brainstorming visually, making solid decisions and just bloody making it. For the clinic staff we named Clara, I attempted speed cell shading in Tvpaint. Although it’s impossible to do good hand-drawn animation fast, TVpaint 11 has a way of making Color layers respond whatever you draw on lineart layer above so you can edit and fix colorable areas super easy.

TVpaint cell shading process!

I had zero experience using Godot Engine before this jam. My teammate Andrew only had a little bit of practice beforehand. We both value letting ideas flow between us therefore atmosphere, visuals and humor take shape in a natural way. I love Global Gam Jam because I learn so much about managing a production, communicating with teammate(s), realizing where my strengths and weaknesses lie. My artistic spirit, often chained down by storyboarding, goes wild when I get to be the sole artist on anything.

Happy first new post of the new year! I went on an epic Tokyo trip from mid December 2019 through into New Year 2020 with friends. Instead of writing stuff and sorting through 400+ photos, I just had to summarise the trip by making some comics to express express the weirdest and most memorable things. I printed some limited copies for a local Adelaide ‘Zina Warrior Print Fest‘ which I participated in for the first time. It was a great weekend and I will definitely try to table again. During the trip I only did a handful of travel sketches since I was too preoccupied with loving Japan. Sitting in a Shinjuku cafe having a nice ‘ブレンドコーヒー’ and listening to the bustling sounds of life was the only time I really drew.

To respect the people who bought my zine this weekend (you are the best! thank you for supporting my art) I probably wont ever put it up for free. If you want to read my comics as a PDF maybe follow me on the Gumroad I made.

Drawing group with fwends

Zina Warrior Print Fest 2020

Zina Warrior Print Fest 2020

Zina Warrior Print Fest 2020

Cover for my zine

Musician girl in FlipaClip

Reach

Delusion Eater character design

Delusion Eater

I also just ‘finished’ an animation that was kicking around before I went on break.I invented this guy from the concept of being an ‘Eater of Delusion’. You can only survive him if you’re learnt to cast aside ego, (or maybe just have a rank hermit stank. either or…) It’s loosely inspired by the yoga psychology and stories I have heard,but I also felt like animating it because Hindu and Buddhist demonic art is rad.

Animation can express the flush of adrenaline when you’re jogging and a fave song kicks in. It can convey all sorts of chemistry between people. It can make clothes clinging to a figure become something precious and sensual. It’s only through the aware experience of mundane transient moments that we can start to channel it into art that feels truthful to life and full of ecstasy. I’m maybe making readers uncomfortable with that, maybe it’s my gender speaking but I have a need to communicate real intimacy with art. That’s why I’d rather see lumpy, impulsive and fleshy art than something clinical and copied. For once it feels like it should be 2020, and I’m excited and trusting myself more now than ever. I surprised myself last year as I have started to learn to stop looking backwards and forwards so much. Ah wait, I have a storyboard deadline tomorrow…

In terms of recent things fresh in my mind (before I completely forget this year); I went to a yoga sutra talk this last weekend and had an amazing friend give my work computer a massive hardware boost. I also caricatured myself a new avatar. Staring at old art is the biggest of all pet peeves of mine. The way other people perceive me is probably varying, but long features, scraggly hair and naturally furrowed eye brows is happily how I will see myself.

Drawn at Glenelg Cibos

I crashed a Russian festival in Adelaide

I crashed a Russian festival in Adelaide

I crashed a Russian festival in Adelaide

Murder boi OC

Murder boi OC

Touhou Prismriver sisters

Hetalia Latvia + Poland

(Touhou) Remilia Scarlet black dress ver.

Creepy animation and night-vision affect I made

Hetalia Russia + Belarus (Tvpaint)

Yoga sutra workshop notes

Yoga sutra workshop notes

I bought TVpaint 11 Professional edition and am transitioning over into using that for my animations. I still have a long way to go to before I feel confident in this program, but I definitely see how it speeds up colouring heaps. I always want to preach about how much bravery it takes for anyone to attempt animation. Especially doing full hand-drawn where every decision for every micro-movement has a consequence as it flows into another.

It’s one thing to be an animation fan, or maybe dabble in copying drawings of characters, but it’s a whole different level of intensity to to put in the hours of trying to create a performance out of nothing. You can put labels on whether something is ‘limited’ or ‘full’ animation, but I always aim to better understand movement, acting, the constraints of a character design… it is absolutely infinite. How can you not get addicted to an art form that has a power to entertain and transmit emotions to whoever is watching?

One of the things I learnt about yoga philosophy is how doing things that ‘create fire’ are the things that are so good for you in order to grow, this means things that aren’t in your comfort zone. This absolutely is animation for me. My philosophy on art has expanded the more Iv’e learnt about Yoga philosophy and apply it in the (gruelling yet enjoyable) classes and in daily life. I am not specifically an intellectual person. Instead art for me is an expression of love, love of spontaneous, subconscious movement, like a change that is part of nature. In short, wanting to communicate some sort of energy; emotional and/or physical, is important to me. You can read any animation book to hear about drawing principles, but feeling the joy of movement is special.

I just want to draw more like me, no matter what.

Attending well past 100 Vinyasa classes since being back in Adelaide a year has had it’s affect on me. I may sound loopy, however I have actually always been like this, only I just found a 2500+ year old philosophy to back up my beliefs. Bye for now!