Monday, April 18, 2016

Old friend Alex asked me a while ago how I can do that "nothing happening" thing I do all the time. I guess it is a thing I do. It's a special quality that I have partly through karate and it's way of seeing things. Karate is really good at not speaking instead of saying something, and that changes things, somehow.

It's because pieces need to come back together before I might have things happening, like with a group of friends: and I think particularly of how much my Oregon friends would like my friends from Berkeley, if they were to meet. I can guarantee there'd be some frisky dancing, some Hendrix, a bit of Pink Floyd, and delve into the deep meaning ....I mean, get high and play some music.

I mean, I have things happening...karate, music, but ....I see why I had to get out of the Berkeley scene..... no place, etc.

But given that I might have been talked about a bit, so what? What good is that doing me now?

On the other hand, things aren't so bad. You could say that karate and family support got me to where I am today

Sunday, April 17, 2016

The big good thought from yesterday is going by once and then coming back and turning around to look at a guitarist, and then I looked back and she was talking to a customer, but she suddenly looked happy, looked happy about how drawn in I was to the music. So that image was with me the entire rest of the day, helping and putting energy into my guitar playing…..I mean the happy little image energized me.

Monday, April 11, 2016

Tuesday, April 05, 2016

So we all start seeing things after a while. I went to the co-op and S was there checking out stuff, and I asked her how she was and wanted to wish her well, which I did. Other the way we might have seen it, not so much a factor to figure out as a set of ideas somehow communicated with as much possibility as possible, so to speak. I am looking forward to going to the free meal and then going to karate.

I hope I am going to be feeling well enough for all that. My energy level is set at tired, it seems like and so it goes, people find things to do, and money to inherit, and all of that, kind of keeping it as well as it could be, a sorry state of affairs, I would guess.

Lori is coming over tomorrow to play music, so that is good. I am sure there will be a bit of benefit in that, a rock thing taking over somehow, carrying away as possible as we any can, try to unite a group, find a task we can enjoy being part of, or it will all seem to be quite strange.

It would be nice to go out and find a nice place to get stoned and watch the grass. However, the worry over the gastric condition is really tempering my joy in about anything at all, because of the worry. Yesterday was the day I was up until nine in the morning because I had run out of Seroquel. So then the entire next day was fucked.

I hope I will have more energy this afternoon, but maybe I’m just kind of burnt on guitar playing, but giving that a break won’t be much of a big deal. I practiced a bit this morning, and that was fun. So it goes, and we try to pick out patterns on the strings, and find a better band or a better group of friends, try to stay in good health, if only to make us all understand the issue, to have silence in the heart to hear the needs and wants of others.

So I am going around town, writing down thoughts in little booklets, hoping to see her around as soon as possible, but also kind of tired of chasing her, I would guess, and why ….so there’s always the question of why things happen in the way that they do.

In the long and short of it, I’m happy for many reasons, thoughts of Japanese and Spanish, being able to read novels, karate, yoga, music…

Monday, April 04, 2016

So baked I can barely think at all. I was up all night last night because I had forgotten to renew my seroquel and was out. So now I feel all messed up, in addition to the gastric issues.

I keep coming back to that other idea we might have had, people getting together and putting together things that make more sense most of the time.

I so wish that comes out as something. Perhaps I should stop taking the statin. On the other hand, I am thinking of .... I guess all I have to do today is karate, which will be something of a test. People sit around and debate each other, come around and see each other again, and find some kind of sun shining around the corners, so it is good to be in the land of the living.

The typing of words one after another, none of them really making any sense. The ideas, characters, doctrine, nervousness, and thinking of K looking back at me from her bicycle, and looking into my eyes. “something inside you is feeling like I do, we’ve said all there is to say” and so it goes. Putting my day down in words seems like a thing I can do to make myself concrete during the day. Visions of J in the future (i hope) and all of that wonderfulness coming and going. A way to put things on party line and communicate somehow our line of being, of being calm in the short term, acting bored and breathing deeply during our moments of trial and other amenities.

I should go home and start reading Les Miserables again, or some other chapter of some book. Hard to say, and the dull day goes on, shielding myself from the crowds here in the coffee shop. So that is how it is, and we can hardly hope to do more.

Last Wednesday at Bombs some lame jazz group was playing and S came in and started dancing, nice hat on, and then we all got somewhere, piling our ideas over ideas and seeing the whole bleak length of days.

Saturday, April 02, 2016

So I went to an NA meeting in Philomath and my sponsor was there, I guess I liked him as a sponsor because it seems like he was quite a fighter, I mean, in the past. So anyway it was get something for your sponsor day and I asked him what I could get for him and he laughed and said after a while, “I guess you could get me some high class prostitutes.” and laughed. He runs a fence making company in town. Honest guy now. He made the fence between me and the neighbors. That was an epic scene.