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Have you considered that some of your responses are not part of being a survivor of abuse, but simply the result of being part of the human race?
- Everybody gets stressed, anxious or worried sometimes
- Your lizard brain responds with the Flight, Fight or Freeze response
- Talk to friends about their experiences of stress - it will help

In this episode I share a little trick I used (and still use) to quiet those nasty voices in my head that tell me I am not good enough, not worthy of love...
After recording this episode I came across this Instagram post, and fell in love with it: https://www.instagram.com/p/Bl2oQuBguqv/

We were discussing the habit of overthinking in the SwanWaters Facebook Group. I wanted to give you my perspective and share some tools on how to deal with this.
- Figure out who the voice belongs to
- Let go of voices that no longer serve you
- Use meditation to become more aware of your thoughts
- Break the inner-dialogue by trying to guess your next thought
If you want to hang out in the Facebook Group, go here: https://www.facebook.com/groups/SwanWaters/
If you want to listen to the RuPaul Podcast, head here: http://www.rupaulpodcast.com/

Bob Brotchie and I have both benefited from mindfulness while overcoming the effects of childhood trauma. We share our experiences in this podcast and give you the basics of starting a mindfulness practice of your own.
This podcast is a little longer than you are used to and consists of 2 parts.
I am joined on the podcast by Bob Brotchie. Bob is a successful private practice counsellor seeing individuals with anxiety related symptoms in person and online aged 8 and up from his office near Newmarket, Suffolk. He attributes his ‘later-life’ inner-peace to practicing mindfulness for everyday anxieties, past life trauma’s and the complexities of life. He shares mindfulness tips where appropriate with his clients - along with other psycho therapeutic models. A regular blogger for mental health matters and particularly ‘mindful approaches’ to life.
Want to learn more about mindfulness? You can find Bob's course here: bobbrotchie.com/

Bob Brotchie and I have both benefited from mindfulness while overcoming the effects of childhood trauma. We share our experiences in this podcast and give you the basics of starting a mindfulness practice of your own.
This podcast is a little longer than you are used to and consists of 2 parts.
I am joined on the podcast by Bob Brotchie. Bob is a successful private practice counsellor seeing individuals with anxiety related symptoms in person and online aged 8 and up from his office near Newmarket, Suffolk. He attributes his ‘later-life’ inner-peace to practicing mindfulness for everyday anxieties, past life trauma’s and the complexities of life. He shares mindfulness tips where appropriate with his clients - along with other psycho therapeutic models. A regular blogger for mental health matters and particularly ‘mindful approaches’ to life.
Want to learn more about mindfulness? You can find Bob's course here: https://bobbrotchie.com/

PTSD is a natural response to trauma, just as bleeding is a normal response to being stabbed.
This is a vital point actually. So often we feel like we are going crazy and some people feel a sense of shame for developing PTSD. Would you feel that same sense of shame for bleeding, though? Or breaking a leg? Same difference. This is the result of your experiences, it says nothing about you other than that you are a survivor.
I want to reflect on some of the misinformation that floats around about PTSD.
- PTSD does not only affect veterans
- PTSD isn't just in your head
- PTSD is not a sign of weakness

This is my response on the day of hearing about Anthony Bourdain's passing. It is an emotional appeal to reach out to your loved ones and let them know they are loved unconditionally.
We need to have a conversation as people, as human beings, about how we feel. The good, the bad and the ugly! We are not alone in our experiences, no matter how lonely we may feel.
If you are struggling with depression or suicidal thoughts, please reach out to people who can help. Here are some numbers: https://www.instagram.com/p/BjyEv6KnNTV/
- Talk to your friends about the real stuff
- Check up on your friends and family
- Check again
- And Again

Realizing that flashbacks could be emotional, and did not have to be disassociative in any other sense of the word, I started to better understand what was happening when I was triggered. That in turn, helped we to better manage my PTSD symptoms. Let me tell you more.
- PTSD flashbacks are not necessarily like you see in the movies
- Emotions may come up that are not connected to the present moment
- Becoming more aware of our emotions can help us better cope with emotional flashbacks

As much as we’d like to just stop feeling the pain and the grief in our lives, we can’t just pretend it’s not there. In order to heal it, we need to feel it. And we need to talk about it. If not, it’ll come to bite us in the tush.
- Pushing pain away takes more energy than dealing with it
- If we do not express pain in a healthy way, we will express it in an unhealthy way
- The vulnerability that is required to acknowledge our pain can be difficult to muster
- Sharing your story gives you strength. If, you find the right audience
- Create space and time to really grief and heal
Here is the blog post I reference: http://swanwaters.com/being-well-enough/

In the aftermath of Mother’s Day (this podcast was originally posted on 14 May 2018), you may need a reminder that you are -in fact- entirely lovable.
- Happy healthy people do not abuse other people
- Their trauma does not excuse the abuser, but it may help us understand why they cannot connect to us in a healthy way
- It is important to remind ourselves that we are loveable, the abuser, however, is incapable or unwilling to love us. That is not the same thing!
Here is our free Facebook Group if you are looking for some support: https://www.facebook.com/groups/SwanWaters/

This episode of the pint-sized healing podcast looks at personal efficiency and how our obsession with to-do lists may cause us to feel a lot of guilt. There are so many things we feel we should do, and then when we fail to complete our unrealistic list of activities we feel horrible about ourselves.
Today I share some ideas about how you can adjust your to-list, so you can feel a lot better about the daily grind.
- When we can't stay on top of our overinflated to-do list, we can experience a lot of guilt
- Cut big projects down into their individual tasks, so the list is more realistic
- Make a list of feelings you would like to experience, and then connect those to activities that can cultivate those feelings
- Include the things you really look forward to and are relaxing and fun to your to-do list
This is the Positive Psychology course I mentioned: https://www.coursera.org/learn/positive-psychology

In this episode, I talk to you about Mother's Day (it was originally published on 30 April 2018) and give you some alternative ways to celebrate the day if you are a survivor of maternal abuse (or if you just want to switch it up).
- Take a break from Social Media for a few days
- Celebrate the mother you are to your inner child
- Celebrate Mother Earth or other maternal energy you experience in your life

Letting go is an important step of healing, but one we often do not mark or celebrate. Creating a ceremony when you are ready to let go of pain, is an amazing tool in your healing.
- Healing isn't linear
- Letting go is the final step, one we sometimes forget
- Creating a ceremony can help with that step
The blog post I refer to is 'Giving Your Memories Wings' and can be found here: http://swanwaters.com/giving-memories-wings/

Let's talk about the power of positive thought. Not the frantically trying to think negative thoughts type, but actual positivity.
- Writing down positive experiences helps us remember them
- A focus on positive can help us experience more positive things
- This focus makes us more aware of how we experience positive emotions (and become more attuned to them)

Once we get out of an abusive situation it can be difficult to remember who we are outside of that narrative. But, holding on to our past may get us stuck in victim mode.
- Use your experience as a foundation, rather than an anchor
- Use a SWOT analysis to get some insight in yourself
- Write a Personal Mission Statement
My book on journaling can be found here: http://bit.ly/FindingYourWings
The Healing Academy Module on journaling can be found here: http://swanwaters.com/journaling-for-emotional-healing/

This is the third and final step of my strategy for communicating with people I know are toxic.
- Create the circumstances where you can use your communicative strength
- An abuser will actively pursue to keep you off your game
- Also, acknowledge your weaknesses
The Healing Academy Module on Communication can be found here: http://swanwaters.com/prepare-for-difficult-conversations-module/

This is the first step of three that I use when having to deal with someone who I know is toxic.
- When we react emotionally we are more easily manipulated
- Find a way to return to calm by venting the emotion
- Practicing a standard response can help maintain calm if you are ambushed

A little while ago, I was listening to Heather Dane’s Hay House Radio show when her guest Arielle Ford—a relationship expert—shared a disclaimer that I think we should see far more often when talking about interpersonal relationships. And it is the following:
Toxic Relationships Are Not Part of This Conversation
- We should keep this in mind when we look at general information
- An abuser has very different drives and motivations
Recap of Heather Dane’s Hay House Radio show: http://heatherdane.com/your-relationships-your-health/
Talking to Crazy: How to Deal with the Irrational and Impossible People in Your Life: https://amzn.to/2L6EgCk

Raise your hand if you do this: when you do something to look after yourself you have a huge guilt trip? Is there part of you that things looking after yourself in selfish? Then this is the episode for you!
- You can't pour from an empty cup
- Self-care isn't a luxury, it is essential
- We cannot heal without self-care
- We need and deserve some indulgence sometimes
- The guilt trip can cancel out the self-care
- Our wants and needs change over time
- Try what works for you
- Everything you try helps, even if it helps determine what doesn't care for you!

Today I am joined by Christine Judd. She is a holistic business mentor, author, yoga teacher and Lomi Lomi practitioner. Her journey through depression has led her to explore various different treatment approaches from medical to woo woo. She’s launching a podcast called ‘Living through the hard stuff’ exploring depression through the eyes of different holistic traditions and sharing her tips and tricks of how she manages to ride the waves of depression through daily activities, spiritual practices & other techniques.
You can follow Christine on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/tinejudd/
Some days it is easier to self-care than others. Christine and I talk about the things we do to get through the days when it is a little harder.

Once you start thinking of self-care as a way to look after different aspects of your being, you open yourself up to creative ways to self-care.
- Make your bed
- Dress to impress (and start with nice undies!)
- Declutter!
- Give some of your former clutter to charity
- Keep a Praise Love YEAH! Journal
- Do something outside of your routine
- Get up! or Stay in bed!
I discuss more creative ways to self-care in the Healing Academy: http://swanwaters.com/self-care-module/

People often think of self-care as bubble baths and fancy chocolates, but I think that a much too narrow definition of the concept.
- Many people see self-care as picking ourselves up after we collapse
- Self-care should be about not collapsing
- Self-care should relate to different areas of our being
The Healing Academy Module on Boundaries I mention can be found here: http://swanwaters.com/personal-boundaries-module/

We see this a lot in toxic relationships. I have certainly witnessed it in the family I grew up in. With our parents constantly attacking our boundaries, my sisters and I developed a defense mechanism: a set of unhealthy attitudes and behavior we developed in order to cope.
- Within abuse, we develop toxic ways to compensate for boundaries being constantly ignored
- Our boundaries determine our shape in the world so that being disrespected will trigger a response of some sort
- Often we resort to toxic behaviors to deal with a toxic situation
Here is the Healing Academy module I mention: http://swanwaters.com/personal-boundaries-module/

Sometimes it is easier to just put down one big boundary rather than 100 little, individual ones. The biggest of all big boundaries is obviously No Contact, but I understand that isn’t always an option. Even on a smaller scale, sometimes it’s easier to just set bigger boundaries—at least when you’re dealing with toxic people.
- No Contact is the biggest boundary of all
- Be black and white with your boundaries, no wiggle room
- Boundaries depend on the people and situations

You might not feel very comfortable with doing it, but in reality, setting boundaries is about communicating what you want and don’t want. I think on average, targets (who are often empaths) tend to be fairly strong communicators. We may often go into over-justifying our boundaries more than being poor at communicating boundaries in general.
- We may be inclined to over-justify our boundaries
- Abusers are notoriously bad at respecting boundaries
- Setting and maintaining boundaries is a skillset you can learn
- Happy healthy people typically accept boundaries
- While targetted by an abuser your boundaries are constantly under attack, so perhaps you are exhausted from defending your boundaries (rather than bad at it)

If we were to believe abusers and toxic people, then enforcing boundaries is the most selfish act in the world; personal boundaries should be outlawed, and anyone who even considers enforcing them should be hanged for their crimes. But are boundaries really selfish?
- Boundaries are not just about saying no
- Boundaries create the shape of our personal world
- Boundaries communicate our wants and needs
- Boundaries will not scare people off (at least not healthy people)
- Boundaries also allow intimate connections

This podcast was originally posted on 1 January 2018, so I do talk about New Year's Resolutions... but the good news is that compassionate goal setting is something you can do all year round!
- Goal setting can be so useful in healing (and many other areas of life)
- Be compassionate about your goals
- Life happens, we get side-tracked... no biggie
- We need a level of stability to tackle some of the bigger issues in our healing
- Make space for making mistakes, or getting distracted
- Have some fun!

This episode was originally published on 25 December 2017, that's why there are a fair few Christmas references... What I am talking about though, is how we sometimes project too many thoughts and expectations on certain days and events.
- The magic of Christmas is all in your mind (more or less)
- Refocus your attention on gratitude

What if you didn't have to be a slave to your emotions? Wouldn't that be great? Well, I think that this is very much possible!
- Don't try to cover up or push emotions down
- Self-awareness can help manage our emotions
- Just because an emotion comes up, doesn't mean you have to hold on to it
- Emotional Mastery is a skill, there is a learning curve

Failure is hard! In fact, I think failure may be the thing you fail at most... In this episode, I talk about failure and how it feeds into our feelings of guilt and our self-image.
- Mistakes are not failure
- Adjusted life plans are not failure

The episode where I mention what my first ever boyfriend taught me about loneliness. This episode was first published on 3 December 2017, and talks about loneliness during the holidays.
- Loneliness is the expectation of company that isn't met
- We may miss the idea of company, more than the actual company
- Maybe we should adjust our expectations

In this episode, I talk about anger. It is an emotion that is often pushed away and misunderstood.
- Society seems to tell us not to be angry
- Be angry, don't be angry... it's up to you
- Feel it, but don't hold on to the anger!

Today I talk about an inconvenient truth of trauma healing... you may not want to hear this, but you are going to have to!
- Triggers highlight where we still need to heal
- It is okay to be triggered and to feel raw
- We need to learn dealing with our triggers
- The intensity of our triggers declines as we heal

Have you ever wondered how you are supposed to be happy with who you are, while at the same time strive for personal growth? Yeah, so have I!
- Acceptance is important
- So is the drive to want to improve ourselves
- Healing isn't la-di-da
- Strive to learn, rather than change
- Compassion is so important when healing

Different abusive strategies and weapons are used by abusers to make you feel that what is happening to you is personal. It is not! It is however personalized.
- Abuse is adjusted to impact you as much as possible
- Abuse is abuse, no matter what the details