Love, Inside Out

Should Jews come first?

I thought my friend Lynn would be thrilled to get the email. She wasn’t.

It started out with a routine “fan mail” to Aish.com, forwarded to the staff. I skimmed it until something made me do a double take:

I love your website!!! It covers every subject. I love learning the history of our holidays, the spiritual part, the Rabbi's message, etc.

I ran into someone recently who I went to high school with who is a 'free range' minister without a church. He began to immediately try to convert me telling me about messianic Jews and then told me how many Jewish people are converting to become Messianic Jews. I felt attacked. These are my people. I told him I would never abandon my people and convert. He smirked at me and said, "you've been had.” I argued with him vociferously.

In the end, he realized that he chose the wrong person to ever try to convert. I thank my family, my beautiful and beloved Hebrew school teacher, Mrs. Bulko…

Mrs. Bulko? Did she mean Lynn’s mother, who died 25 years ago? Lynn’s mother used to teach Hebrew school. Wouldn’t it be amazing if this Aish.com reader was referring to the mother of my childhood best friend Lynn?

I was titillated with the prospect that 25 years after Mrs. Bulko’s death, one of her Hebrew school students is still remembering her with appreciation. I quickly forwarded the email to Lynn with the note, “Is she talking about your mother?”

Lynn’s response stunned me:

Probably. She mentions that she’s from our area. I think my mother, however, would have been softer and more understanding that people have different beliefs.

Was he entitled to champion the cause of Jews only by first forwarding a video about blacks?

Different beliefs? The letter-writer was angry because a Christian missionary was trying to convert her, which she considered a betrayal of her “people.”Must we Jews be soft and understanding when confronting people who want to convert all Jews to Christianity? The Mrs. Bulko I knew was a proud Jew who would have been just as defiant as the letter writer in the face of Christian missionaries. What was her daughter thinking?

Just the week before, my husband had had his own email shock. He had forwarded to his personal mailing list a YouTube video decrying the perversion of justice in the case of a Jew who has been sentenced to 28 years in prison for bank fraud. Bruce, my husband’s best friend as a teenager, sent this scathing email in reply:

This kind of thing has been visited upon American blacks since "all men are created equal." Where was your outrage before a Jew was targeted? Your selective sensitivity is revealing, to say the least.

My husband felt slapped in the face. Was he entitled to champion the cause of a fellow Jew only if he first forwarded videos about injustices to blacks? What’s wrong with “selective sensitivity” to one’s own family, people, or nation?

When Balance Becomes Betrayal

Daniel Gordis, one of the most articulate voices in the Jewish world, became embroiled in a dispute during the recent Gaza war. With his two sons serving in the IDF and poised on the border of Gaza for an imminent invasion (that never took place), Gordis was deeply troubled by a missive written by Rabbi Sharon Brous to her congregation, which Gordis considered “even-handed” to the point of “betrayal.” Writing in The Times of Israel, he declared:

Universalism, Cynthia Ozick once noted, has become the particularism of the Jews. Increasingly, our most fundamental belief about ourselves is that we dare not care about ourselves any more than we can about others...

This inability to distinguish ourselves from the mass of humanity, this inability to celebrate our own origins, our own People and our own homeland, I argue in my latest book, The Promise of Israel, is dysfunctional. Do we not care about our own children more than we care about other people’s children? And shouldn’t we? Are our own parents not our responsibility in a way that other people’s parents are not?…

That an utterly universalized Judaism is almost entirely divorced from the richness of Jewish heritage and the worldview of our classic texts is bad enough. But on weeks like this, with hundreds of thousands of Israelis sleeping in bomb shelters and many millions more unspeakably frightened, it’s become clear that this universalized Judaism has rendered not only platitudinous Jews, but something worse. It bequeaths us a new Jew utterly incapable of feeling loyalty.

The need for balance is so pervasive that even an expression of gut-level love for Israelis more than for their enemies is impossible. Balance has now bequeathed betrayal.

… As I read Rabbi Brous’s missive, I couldn’t stop thinking about my two sons, both in the army, each doing his share to save the Jewish state from this latest onslaught. What I wanted to hear was that Rabbi Brous cares about my boys (for whom she actually babysat when we were all much younger) more than she cares about the children of terrorists. Especially this week, I wanted her to tell her community to love my family and my neighbors more than they love the people who elected Hamas and who celebrate each time a suicide bomber kills Jews. Is that really too much to ask?

In the center of the circle is oneself. It is a psychological truism that the person who cannot love herself cannot love anyone.

It’s easier to love the nameless, faceless victims of African famine than to love the parent who tells you how to run your life.

The next circle out is one’s own family. A man I knew claimed to love all of humanity, but he didn’t speak to his own father for 12 years and boycotted his father’s funeral. It’s easier to love the nameless, faceless victims of African famine than to love the parent who tells you how to run your life, the sibling who borrows money from you and doesn’t repay it, the spouse who is always maddeningly late (or maddeningly punctual), and the son or daughter whose teenage rebellion starts at age 11 and continues till 23.

Love of your own family takes precedence once you understand what love really is. Love is not a feeling; it’s a skill, like playing the cello or pole vaulting. Proclamations of love not borne out in action are like claiming to play Tchaikovsky’s Cello Concerto in B Minor with your bow resting in your lap.

Nor can you play that virtuoso piece until you have spent hundreds of hours practicing bowing and fingering exercises. Family life provides the exercises necessary to master the skill of love. If you can’t give up your Sunday golf game to spend time with your wife, if you yell at your child for breaking an expensive object, if you are too busy to call your mother on her birthday, then how can you possibly claim to love the thousands of victims of the Japanese tsunami?

The Jewish People

The next concentric circle is your people or group. For Jews this means the Jewish People. According to Kabbalah, all Jews share one group soul. In the not-so-distant past, all of us intuited this truth. Someone told me how, when he was a teenager in the late 1940s, he and his friends would ride in the back of a pick-up truck around Brooklyn. They would stop at every corner and make an appeal for funds to buy arms for the nascent Jewish state, two of them holding an Israeli flag like a sheet to receive the donations. “I never saw anything like it,” he recounted. “People would empty their pockets. They threw in everything they had, without even looking at how much it was.”

This same instinctive loyalty to the Jewish People manifested as tears and trauma every time Jews in Israel were killed by a terrorist attack. It also manifested as embarrassment whenever a high-profile Jew was convicted of a crime. Who of us didn’t cringe over Bernard Madoff? Or feel pride when Elie Weisel won the Nobel Peace Prize? And none of us felt ashamed by that pride.

Assimilation has replaced “members of the tribe” with “citizens of the world.”

Assimilation, however, has replaced “members of the tribe” with “citizens of the world.” The difference between “members of the tribe” and “citizens of the world” is like the difference between having friends and having Facebook friends. What is gained in breadth is sacrificed in depth.

When I spent my junior year of college in India in the pre-Internet era, my friend Julie and I decided to go to Calcutta for Rosh Hashanah. After a 24-hour, third-class train ride from Varanasi, we arrived – grimy, disheveled, clad in jeans and Punjabi shirts – at Calcutta’s last remaining synagogue as sunset ushered in Rosh Hashanah. The elderly congregants were the remnant of the Jewish community that had come to India from Iraq three centuries before.

What did we, two Jewish girls from Philadelphia, have in common with these Iraqi-Indian Jews who had never heard of lox and bagels? Yet they received us warmly and immediately set us up with accommodations and meals for the duration of our stay in Calcutta. What is remarkable is not that they took care of us, but rather that both we and they assumed that of course they would, because we belonged to the same mishpacha (family).

Jewish travelers to remote places throughout the centuries were always received by their fellow Jews with the same open arms. The poet Robert Frost famously wrote: “Home is where, when you go there, they have to let you in.” If so, then the itinerant Jew, even in the most distant and foreign locales, always found a home when he presented his calling card as a member of the tribe.

Abnegating that particular religious/ethnic distinctiveness reduces us all to what Village Voice writer Paul Cowan lamentingly labeled, “orphans in history.” Orphans are individuals without family, without roots, without a sense of their historical identity. This well describes the assimilated Jew, enamored of everyone, belonging to no one.

Is it possible to replace severed roots? Paul Cowan did. Raised by a father so intent on extirpating his Jewish identity that he changed the family name from “Cohen” to “Cowan,” and did not allow his own devout father to ever see his grandson, Paul reclaimed his Jewish heritage when in his late thirties. He spent time with fellow Jews on the Lower East Side, sought out rabbis, studied Jewish texts, and adopted Jewish practices. Born as “an orphan in history,” Paul Cowan died as a strongly identified Jew.

The Outer Circles

The next concentric circle, moving outward, is all of humanity. Feeding starving children in Africa takes priority over saving the whales. Bequeathing your fortune to make a home for cats when homeless people are sleeping outside in the cold is a distortion of true compassion.

The next circle out includes animals. Causing pain to animals is forbidden by the Torah. Experimenting on animals in order to develop a new cosmetics line is cruel. To kill a trespassing deer because he is eating your cherished petunias is wrong, very wrong.

The last concentric circle is every living creature. The sages prescribed painting the trunk of a diseased tree so that passersby would know to pray for its healing. But the person who lavishes more love on her prize orchid than on her elderly aunt has her priorities grossly distorted.

Asking if you can identify as a Jew and still love all humanity is like asking if you can love your mother and still love your pet poodle. Of course you can, as long as you love your mother more.

The sage Hillel, 2,000 years ago, proclaimed: “If I am not for myself, who will be for me?” Read: prioritize your love according to concentric circles. Hillel continued: “But if I am only for myself, what am I?” Read: Don’t get stuck in the inner circles. The truth is that real love, like light, radiates outward. The more you truly love yourself, your family, and your people, the more you will love all the outside circles.

Particularism is not the opposite of universalism, but rather its training ground.

And the converse can be menacingly true. During World War II, the Germans painstakingly provided animal shelters for the pets of the Jews they had deported and murdered.

A person who skips the inner circles in favor of the outer circles does so at the peril of his own morality.

An aspiring pole-vaulter cannot start with a six-meter leap. He starts with leaping a couple meters, and, through practice, gradually works his way up. Love – a much more difficult skill than pole-vaulting, because it requires overcoming the gravitational pull of innate selfishness – is likewise a skill that must be practiced and gradually mastered.

A Jew who masters loving herself, her family, and the entire Jewish People is ready to go on to loving all humanity and beyond. Particularism is not the opposite of universalism, but rather its training ground.

Coming to Israel? The Riglers invite you to their home for "An Enchanted Evening in the Old City," with a Broadway-style musical show. For more information, click here.

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About the Author

Sara Yoheved Rigler is the author of Heavenprints, as well as the bestsellers: God Winked: Tales and Lessons from my Spiritual Adventures, Holy Woman, Lights from Jerusalem, and Battle Plans: How to Fight the Yetzer Hara (with Rebbetzin Tziporah Heller). She is a popular international lecturer on subjects of Jewish spirituality. She has given lectures and workshops in Israel, England, Switzerland, South Africa, Mexico, Chile, Canada, and over thirty American cities. A graduate of Brandeis University, after fifteen years of practicing and teaching meditation and Eastern philosophy, she discovered "the world's most hidden religion: Torah Judaism." Since 1985, she has been living as a Torah-observant Jew in the Old City of Jerusalem with her husband and two children. She presents a highly-acclaimed Marriage Workshop for women [seewww.kesherwife.com] as well as a Gratitude Workshop. To invite her to your community, please write to info@sararigler.com.

Visitor Comments: 55

(39)
Devorah,
January 16, 2013 9:53 PM

@David: "why do you get to pick my circle?"

@David- If this were the 1940's your "best friends" probably wouldn't be your best friends anymore...
There is a law stating that "Eisav Soneh l'yakov" Eisav will forever hate his brother...
No matter what most non Jews secretly harbor hatred towards you and your fellow Jews. How many NON JEWS actually cared to stand up for our people in the Holocaust? Around 700 in 22 countries!

Mordechai,
January 18, 2013 8:34 PM

Love Your Fellow Man

Everything in our universe is based on cause and effect. We need to ask, why Jews have been persecuted throughout history.
The evil, the effect, is brought on by something, the cause. We need to account for our behavior, as Jews. We were chosen by the Creator to be a nation of priests, to be a model nation to love our fellow man as ourselves. Until we start striving to reach that goal, we bring chaos upon ourselves.

Anonymous,
January 28, 2013 9:16 PM

You comment is anti-Semitic

How dare you blame anti-Semitism on the Jews! How dare you justify the Christians who burnt us at the stake during the Inquision because we refused to convert, the Chrusaders who murdered one milllion of us because we wouldn't convert, the Nazis, and all the savages all through the ages? The Romans who tortured Rabi Akiva for teaching Torah, the Greeks during the time of Chanuka, who tortured our people ruthlessly because we didn't become like them? And you justify them and say it's our fault? We need to account for our behavior?
Which behavior? That we remained Jews?

Mordechai,
February 3, 2013 5:30 AM

Let's Take Responsibility...

We must take responsibility for our actions. Remember, we lost two Temples in Jerusalem and many Israelites were killed because of our behavior. We were chosen by the Creator to be a sharing, caring nation loving our fellow man as ourselves. When we follow the covenant we made with Hashem, we see peace, protection, joy, sustenance, etc. When we fight amongst ourselves and fill our lives with hate and jealousy, we bring evil upon us. It is not a matter of "justifying" the evil behavior. The evil response is simply the cause in a cause and effect scenario (action-reaction).

Mordechai,
February 4, 2013 3:46 AM

Correction

I meant to say " the evil response is simply the effect in a cause and effect scenario (action-reaction)"

tom42,
June 8, 2014 3:43 PM

Who's our friends?

" Was he entitled to champion the cause of a fellow Jew only if he first forwarded videos about injustices to blacks? What’s wrong with “selective sensitivity” to one’s own family, people, or nation?"I remember back during the Newark,N.J. riots in the '60s, their first targets were the Jewish stores.And the most virulent anti-Jewish rants I've ever heard have come from Blacks..

(38)
Sharon,
January 16, 2013 7:08 PM

Gordis makes another point

The point that Daniel Gordis makes coincides with the main theme here, but it is even stronger. He is saying that in striving for universalism, one gives no preference for the moral position. Israel fights a defensive war against a force who has no other goal but to destroy the Jewish State. If one cannot take sides with the heroes defending Israel over the terrorists trying to destroy it, then I'd call that moral bankruptcy.

(37)
Mordechai,
January 16, 2013 4:27 PM

We Must Love ALL

We were all created to develop a closeness or affinity with our Creator. The only way we can accomplish that is for every man to love his fellow man as much as himself and even more so...
By saying I love this group more than that group, we are only drifting away from the Creator towards more chaos and suffering. The world needs to unite, not separate. The whole Torah and all our prayers were created for the sole purpose of helping us love each other and become like the Creator. Let's always keep that consciousness.

Shoshana - Jerusalem,
January 28, 2013 9:01 PM

quote sources

How dare you justify our lowly murderers and say it is our fault! Yes, it is our fault that we didn't convert to Christianity and then those dear
Why does loving one group more than the other create chaos and suffering? I love my children much more than I love even my closest and most beloved cousins.
I love my parents more than I love my aunts and uncles. I love my brothers and sisters more than I love my neices and nephews. I love my grandchildren most of all, except for my husband who I love more than anyone. Yet we are a very close family.You say I am drifting away from my Creator because there are those who I love more than others, who I am closer to than others? On what do you base this remark? I also love my fellow Jews, who are my bothers and sisters, from our same father, Abraham, more than I love the rest of the world. And that is what H-shem wants from us. Even in the laws of charity, there is an order that you have to follow-first your children, then your parents,then brothers and sisters, etc., and the poor of your own city before the poor of the next city. If you love everybody equally, then I doupt that you even love anyone at all, or that you even know what love means, or have ever even felt love. Loving the people closest does not exclude loving those who are more distant. Doing chesed for those closest does not exclude those who are further.

(36)
Wallace,
January 16, 2013 4:37 AM

Never! No one gets first place, for it is RESERVED.

When ever man places anything in First Place, everything goes 'out of place' or simply becomes, "OUT OF ORDER". Start this whole article over, by putting G-d in his rightful place, and then see how the content changes dramatically. You see, if you really put G-d first, our opinions become obsolete. Now, what did G-d say? Then do that! Obedience is better than sacrifice.

Sonia,
January 27, 2013 12:14 PM

If I am not for me begins a most cogent truism by our sage Hillel

That sentence comes first for a reason in Hillel's wonderful expression on moral behavior. Yet there are Jews who omit what comes first and "if I am only for me, what am I" somehow filters out all else? Maybe the reason is over intellectualization, an academic mindset becoming as a fence separating us from 'dus pintele Yid" our connection to our source. HaShem and Torah linking us to all Jews from those who came before us and God willing we should be blessed those who will come after. To this is our responsibility not some academic indoctrination emanating from a political agenda against the right for Jews to exist. Nowhere is it written in Jewish law or texts we have to accommodate ourselves to twisted logic which militates against the most elemental survival values - our own.

(35)
Shmuel,
January 15, 2013 9:16 PM

Spot on

Very impressed with how an internal dissonance occuring within my own mind has been eloquently composed with words. Very true and very sad. Thank you.
In a different vein, but related nonetheless, I recently heard the term "unaffiliated frum Jew". Another arena where distortions and misplaced values rule

(34)
Renata,
January 15, 2013 8:49 PM

G-d is not in your concepts...

Truth. What it it? It must be sought... Above all concepts, above all human intellect - which even G-d matches then blows away all that the mind can conceive. If you have trouble loving others different from yourself - not evil or wickedness - just 'other people'. It should indicate to you that you do not love G-d. When you love G-d, you see 'your own kind' as brother & sister to whom you are privileged & first obligated to, to show love - God's Love. Then 'other people' are simply opportunities to... Do the same. If you do not first love 'your own' it is a clear indication that The Love of G-dis not in you. But remember, that it is even worse for 'other's' to see your poor 'witness' of G-d.The ungodly learn about G-d from you! This can cause people to curse G-d. Who made you a judge over men? Are you ready to drink from this cup & make others drink too?!! Neither of your concepts has any holiness to offer. Obey G-d & stop sinning - that goes for everyone of us! Jew or Gentile.

(33)
Shlomo B.,
January 15, 2013 5:25 PM

Such a Brilliant Article

This article is extremely well written and profound. This idea of particularism vs. universalism is so current and fascinating. I really like the concept of concentric circles, of Rabbi A. Y. Kook Zt'l.

(32)
aliza,
January 15, 2013 2:58 AM

thank you very much for this article. imagine someone telling a parents, so your child died, thousands of black children die! it would be a ridiculous statement and that is sadly what so many people don't understand, we are a family, we SHOULD care more about each other.

(31)
Anonymous,
January 15, 2013 2:15 AM

God bless everybody is very good comment.

(30)
Miriam Harpaz,
January 15, 2013 12:16 AM

What a wonderful timely article

Thank You for this wonderful article. I feel truly insulted when Christians get on Jewish Facebook sites and tell us to convert or love Jesus. I get similarly insulted when Jews defend Hamas and say there is something morally wrong with us. Just like Hillel says We have to be for our people. I am a proud Jew

(29)
Andy,
January 14, 2013 5:17 PM

to David #19 Jews are a family and while free to decide the extent of the relationship if any which you wish to maintain you don't pick your family

I think that I understand where you are coming from, and on some level it does seem too simplistic.There are many who are so removed that they do not even share you're instinctive attachment to the Jewish people. Your statement "Jewish people" says a lot.Many think of Judaism as only a religion, but if one is born of a Jewish mother or a woman converted according to halacha[orthodox Jewish law,although others may use a wider definition] then one is as much of a Jew as any other. Your brother is still as much your brother even if you dislike him and never see him. Anyway ,I hope that helps clarify. The term for Jews who are unaware of their bond to the Jewish people is translated as, like captured babies taken at birth and raised with foreign values, and hence not responsible for their lack of knowledge in this area. Organizations like NJOP,Aish, Chabad,Pardes
and others are doing their best to reach these lost souls. If one investigates one should be able to find a Rabbi who is a good fit to learn with which seems to me to make sense before deciding to what extent a familial relationship exists and if one has an obligation to maintain it.

(28)
Michael Freeman,
January 14, 2013 3:29 PM

Perfect

Thanks so much for this article-it perfectly summarizes the current state of my brother's criticism of Israel and support for those who would gladly, proudly hasten our demise.
He has no Jewish neshama.

Anonymous,
January 15, 2013 2:45 PM

ALL JEWS HAVE A JEWISH NESHAMA

AND IT'S UP TO YOU/US TO ATTEMPT TO AWAKEN IT

(27)
Chana,
January 14, 2013 1:37 PM

Am levad yishkon - a nation that dwells alone

As a child of Holocaust survivors, when I will see the rest of the world caring as much about us, as liberal Jews always seem to expect us to do for the rest of the world, then I will put them first.

Anonymous,
January 28, 2013 9:26 PM

excellent comment

Chana, you are one of the only ones here with any brains. The world hates us as much now as they did then, and these anti-Semitic Jews tell us to love them.
The truth is , that we have always been the best neighbors to the non-Jews, in all our countries of our exile, and the best citizens. And these what you call librial Jews know nothing of Jewish history.

(26)
Pesya,
January 14, 2013 9:20 AM

Is giving love to one's neighbor done the same way as giving love to one's family?

Beautifully and clearly written. Please tell us what it means and how to give love everywhere as well as at home.

(25)
Ora,
January 14, 2013 8:09 AM

Taking a Courageous Stand

A courageous assessment of predominant Jewish attitudes outside of Israel. Last November, when Israeli towns were being bombarded by missiles and our kids were serving in the IDF, while many of my USA friends posted very pro-Israel messages, one person proudly posted an article written about discrimination shown to West Bank Arabs. I felt so misunderstood and abandoned... Jews have got to watch out for one another ; we've got to treat each other with care and concern, for our enemies won't hesitate to stab us in the back.

(24)
Saul Pillai,
January 14, 2013 5:55 AM

Very good

Thank you for this article. You have put this in clear perspective. Keep the articles comming !!!

(23)
PINCHAS,
January 14, 2013 5:49 AM

ON RESPONDING TO A MISSIONARY

IN THE MATTER OF RESPONDING TO A MISSIONARY.
iIF THE MESSIAH HAS COME, WHAT DIFFERENCE
HAS IT MADE? THERE ARE STILL WAR, VIOLENCE,POVERTY, IGNORANCE AND SUFFERING OF ALL KINDS. BEING SAVED MAKES US PASSIVE.
WE JEWS ARE COMMITTED TO MAKING HEAVEN HERE ON THIS DAY'S EARTH. THE TORAH/TALMUD TELLS US HOW...
NO ONE WILL DO IT FOR US, WE MUST DO IT
OURSELVES
NOW, WE HAVE TO GET BUSY.

(22)
Yochevet Uziel Pearce,
January 14, 2013 1:56 AM

reminder to love oneself first

This is a beautifully written and conceived article, reflecting a current trend to go back to roots. Secular life can be lonely and ungrounded. This trend in modern liberal politics is vehement. I used to be divorced from Judaism, but something vital was missing. I was so engrossed on establishing justice, love and understanding for all mankind that I missed out on who "I" am. And that was way too lofty a goal for me to begin to touch. Obviously, I became reaquainted and deeply into Jewish study and worship. My husband has spoken of this theory of concentricity, how love and concern radiates outward.

Anonymous,
January 28, 2013 9:32 PM

beautiful comment

It's heartwarming to read comments like yours.

(21)
Tuvia Dovid,
January 14, 2013 1:14 AM

dubious message

I believe Hillel was advocating for a Talmudically informed sense of balance, rather than for the rigid priorities suggested by concentric-circles. In other words, tzedaka/charity and rachmonis/compassionate empathy must be a part of our character, period, neither the selfishness of me and mine invariably first nor an ultimately false and willy-nilly egalitarianism. Rick Jacobs, president of the Union for Reform Judaism, talks of visiting a hospital in Israel with leaders of the United Synagogue of Conservative Judaism and the Orthodox Union during the recent flareup over Gaza. When their guide directed them to an Israeli soldier whose legs had been shattered, the rabbis recited the mishebeirach prayer. Then, as they were being led from the hospital, Jacobs noticed a Thai guest worker whose legs had been similarly shattered by shrapnel from a Hamas rocket and was undergoing the same kind of intense reconstructive therapy -- a man with no family or friends nearby -- and the American rabbis stopped to pray the same for him. That, for me, is the true vision of Hillel in action.

Andy,
January 15, 2013 5:37 AM

Ask Rick Jacobs to confirm/clarify the incident

While there are possible reason some Orthodox Rabbis will distance themselves from anything that may lend the public to perceive those movements as authentic expressions of Judaism as far as I am aware it is within the scope of Jewish practice to ask that the Almighty heal anyone.I've personally heard Orthodox Rabbis pray for the recovery of non Jews. Please do not print this if i am mistaken and it is not acceptable practice but if I'm right it seems to me unfair to the Orthodox Union to portray it as was the case here

Tuvia Dovid,
January 15, 2013 12:48 PM

The Orthodox rabbi prayed with the rest

As Rabbi Jacobs tells it, all three American rabbis stopped to pray for the Thai worker. Rabbi Jacobs happened to be the one who noticed the Thai worker, who asked about his circumstances and suggested the others join him in the michebeirach prayer. There is nothing in his account, as I understand it, that would impugn the head of the Orthodox Union or any other Orthodox rabbi. To the contrary, he was saying this is a matter on which all Klal Yisroel can agree.

(20)
Leone,
January 14, 2013 1:09 AM

Brilliantly expressed insight of a perplexing contemporary problem

Thank you so much for sharing your insight and wisdom and more importantly for providing a bold and practical solution to the problem of so many Jewish people taking on the rest of the world's double standard when it comes to dealing with Jews and Israel. Jewish pride is sorely lacking in this era - and for no logical reason. We have so much to be proud of - including our communal shame when a Jewish person does something unspeakable! "Concentric Jews" also get to live in three dimensions rather than two: the here, the now and always - the world needs us to forever light the way. Thank you for continuing to shed light and provide clarity on these important issues.

(19)
David,
January 14, 2013 12:38 AM

Why do you get to pick my circle?

Why are the Jewish people right after my family? I will cheerfully grant that I have some instinctive attachment to the Jewish people. However, I'm also an American-- and, frankly, I probably have more in common (language, lifestyle, basic political ideas) with some of my fellow Americans than I would with (say) a Jew from India. What about my circle of friends-- these are people I choose to be around (I wasn't born into them). Does a close friend take a back seat to a stranger who happens to be of the same religion? If so, why? I think this is far too simplistic.

(18)
Yehudis,
January 13, 2013 10:54 PM

The more things change...

We read in last week's parsha about the Mitzrim, who were total vegans and wouldn't hurt -
literally- a fly. Yet how cruel they were to our ancestors, turning a blind eye to their cries of
suffering. Plus ca change, plus c'est la meme chose...
f

(17)
Andy,
January 13, 2013 10:18 PM

This is so timely as Jews outside of Israel are likely going to be under pressure to side with those seeking to destroy the Jewish State

In the near furture I'm concerned there will be greater pressure on Jews to abandon support for Israel altogether. If a Jew chooses to live elsewhere that is of course his right but siding with those seeking to destroy the Jewish State seems to me as bad if not worse than any of the examples in your column.
if one wants to live in Israel and suffer the immediate consequences of ones choices that seems to me a different matte,r than saying amen while living comfortably in the US as Israel is unfairly portrayed in the media as the obstacle to peace.Hope I'm mistaken, but seems to me that's the near future which will make todays divisiveness seem positive.

(16)
Steven Kalka,
January 13, 2013 10:18 PM

universalism

Loving humanity as a whole sounds like contemporary progressive politics; loving people in the abstract rather than as flesh and blood human beings.

(15)
Selma Soss,
January 13, 2013 9:45 PM

Love-Inside-Out

The beauty of Judaism, one of many, is the
Jewish family, bound in strength since they were
wandering nomads. By all means family, loved ones,
come first. Not to be watered down by liberal or
pseudo-intellectual thinking.

(14)
Rachel,
January 13, 2013 9:08 PM

Refreshingly complete

I began reading this fearing (another) rant about virtuous Israelis and evil Palestinians. Instead I found a well reasoned explanation of prioritizing.
I would quibble only that while I'm not concerned for "the children of terrorists", I am saddened by the loss of any child, as we all should be. We expect that others will be horrified by the pictures of small children on their way to cattle cars and gas chambers. We begin to surrender our humanity when we don't spare a moment's sorrow for the Palestinian child, or the Syrian child, the Afghan, the Iraqi. Avraham Avinu argued with Hashem to spare Sodom if 10 righteous people could be found. So while I am relieved that hostilities are over for the moment with Gaza for the sake of Israelis, I am also relieved for the innocents on the other side, many of whom live in mortal fear of the barbaric terrorists who run their territory.

(13)
Mamzer Hakodesh,
January 13, 2013 8:03 PM

If you want the answers...

Many of us 'betraying' Jews have witnessed the ugly side of tribalism. We've seen and read about acts of unfairness, dishonesty, indifference, etc... towards non-Jews (or non-halachically sanctioned Jews, such as those Jews of patrilineal descent). As an Afro-Canadian Jew, I have learned that when Jewish orators say, "we must stick up for each other", what they mean is, "we must stick up for other Jews who look like us and have our customs".
On the other hand, I'm in awe at the way my local Jewish community is able to care for those who fit into it's parameters and boundaries. Perhaps one thing that allows Jews to care for one another more successfully than other groups is that our connection is based on an identity that was forged before external oppression and marginalization was applied (unlike, for instance, Native Americans, who came to see themselves as a specific group only because they have specific, common challenges and goals concerning healing colonialist damage).
I used to be quite angry about the dishonesty, exclusion, and indifference that I see in the Jewish community. I now recognize that while it may not be extremely spiritual (in my opinion), this 'loyalty' is a survival mechanism which has served us well, and I have been privileged to benefit from it, and feel a greater sense of duty to my Jewish community as I grow older. I'm learning to not to ask, "why are these people wrong", but "why are these people doing something I find threatening and that will force me to check my ego and realign my outlook in terms of the personal, communal, and worldview paradigms I hold". If another person or group's actions and opinions bother me, I may need to question why I feel threatened. Those who feel betrayed by some Jewish can also benefit from considering this and honestly listening for answers that strive for respect, sanity, practicality. Thanks for reading!

Dina,
January 30, 2013 4:35 PM

Judaism is from the mother

A person born of a non-Jewish mother is not Jewish, unless properly converted with an authentic Orthodox conversion. Christians go by the father , but not Jews. Judiasm is handed down through the mother. All the protesting in the world will not help nor will all the theories change this.
The reason people get confused is because they see that Christianity has many devisions- Mormons, Lutherans, etc., and so they say, "let's go and make another Judaism". But there is only one Judaism, which was handed down with Devine Revolution on Mt. Sinai. The other religions are man made, but not Judaism, and therefore new laws cannot not be made, and no law can be changed.
I have lived in different Jewish communities and have never seen the "dishonesty, and unfairness" that you talk about. True, not every Jew is perfect, but to lump everyone together the way you have is not honest. Though you say you are Jewish, I, who am also a Jew , find the overall tone of your comment very offensive.

(12)
Yosef,
January 13, 2013 7:28 PM

Yes, Yes, Yes!

Thank you for this very important perspective--why does the world have so much difficulty seeing this?

(11)
marc,
January 13, 2013 7:01 PM

folks & bible sayings

Bible; " love your friend as you love yourself". You need to start by loving yourself first. And since your family is your own blood, they are part of you. And if you believe like I do, that Jewdaism is not as much a religion as an expanded family of descendents of the Patriarch, they become the next circle. The rest of the world is in the outer ring/
Marc

(10)
Anonymous,
January 13, 2013 6:48 PM

As always your articles hit the spot!
Not only do I enjoy your writings but I put your words into improving myself. For this alone I am forever grateful!

(9)
Michael,
January 13, 2013 6:36 PM

Great Article

I enjoyed the article very much. It reminded me of a saying that I heard once "let me be the change in the world"

(8)
Moishe,
January 13, 2013 5:52 PM

This should also be applicable

To Male Jews as well maybe even more so!

(7)
rhonacorinne,
January 13, 2013 5:30 PM

so true

i am always awed by the articles and writings of Mrs. Rigler, and this article is no exception. this, in particular, touched a nerve, as i recently experienced something very troubling, this time from a frum woman who is very popular and gives talks in our community. actually, she considers herself a 'Torah life coach'. i recently had an opportunity to discuss with her the nomination of a virulent anti-Semite as the Secretary of Defense (chuck hagel) and i claimed that i, among many others, have taken upon ourselves to pray for his demise. this woman was shocked and angered. how could we pray for the destruction and demise of anyone? wasn't he (this hagel) created by Ha-Shem just as we are? the entire conversation reeked of liberal secular humanism hidden under a sheitel.
i am the furthest thing from someone who can vouch for my own holiness. i do not claim to be the holy elite, but i know that Judaism is not a 'turn the cheek' religion. we are permitted, entitled, and often commanded, to desire the destruction and silencing of our enemies. to misinterpret this, especially in 'frum' circles, is to join the ranks of all those who actually want to destroy us, lo oleinu. as i was told years ago when i first became frum, those who are 'kind to the cruel will eventually become cruel to the kind'.
being kind to the cruel is not being able to identify the danger of our enemies. we cannot treat them like everyone else. they are our enemies. it is a mitzvah to protect ourselves from them. sad as it is, things for Jews is often us or them. it is a shame and a heartbreak that many Jews, frum and not, are afraid our loyalty to ourselves has become politically incorrect. this mentality is so corrupt and self-destructive that it is rare even among the goyim.
we have truly internalized the contempt the nations have for us. like an abused child, we cannot fathom the importance of self-protection and destroying our enemies. we placate our abusers by reducing ourselves.

Shoshana - Jerusalem,
February 3, 2013 12:56 PM

understand you, but...

Your feelings are understandable. We are not a turn the other cheek religion. We should not love our enemies and we have to recognise them and try to protect ourselves from them. We certainly have to be loyal to our nation whether it is politially correct or not..
ut rather than pray for am enemy to die, we should pray that we triumph over them, and that G-d protect us from them, or, bretter yet, that they should do tshuva (repent) and become our friends, as this would be the greatest Kiddush H-ashem. This is what we pray for every day in "Aleinu lishabeiach"- that evil should vanish and all H's enimies will recognize Him, and on that day He will be one and His Name will be One. We here lin Jerusalem live this on a daily basis, there is our enemy, on our buses, our trains, in our stores, strolling down our streets freely, and if any of us dare to walk into many ot their areas, our lives are in danger. It is so easy to wish them all to you-know -what, Then I catch myself and try to imagine the great Kiddush H' that will result when they will one day soon all cry out, " H-shem, Elokei Yisrael Emes!"
P.S. One other point, there is no end to who a person might consider his individual enemy and G-s forbid wish bad on, like her mother-in -law, a neighbhbor, the boss, etc. So we should accustom ourselves to praylng that our enemies should cease to be our enemies and do us no harm. With best wishes, and may we hear b'sorot tovot and H. yereicheim.

(6)
Chana Yosefa,
January 13, 2013 4:52 PM

Wow! This is superb!

Thank you so much for this beautiful clarification of the importance of particularism -- as opposed to universalism that doesn't include oneself, ones family, ones "tribe". I only hope my son reads and understands, as I cannot express these ideas which you have done so beautifully! Thanks again!

(5)
Anonymous,
January 13, 2013 4:11 PM

Incredible piece

I am awestruck at your ability to so eloquently explain a concept that many, many of us struggle to understand and stand by. When I was a young graduate, fresh out of college, I remember a coworker challenging me on the nepotism of Jews. I could not explain in any rational way why we place our fellow Jew first and I have always regretted that. I wish I'd seen this article back then.

(4)
Galia Berry,
January 13, 2013 10:53 AM

A great article on so many levels

You've outdone yourself with this one!

(3)
Sharon,
January 13, 2013 10:28 AM

Agree wholeheartedly

I couldn't agree more. But it's hard not to fall into the trap of drawing extraneous circles.. like the circle around people who agree with your point of view. Actually our loving-kindness needs to be directed at estranged Jews and Jews who have been educated to believe otherwise. Because if you draw too many extraneous circles, very little love will emanate to areas where it is most needed. And that love needs to be concrete not just theoretical.

(2)
Rina,
January 13, 2013 8:42 AM

Kol Ha-Kavod

Thank you for a great, well-written, and clearly explained article on this touchy topic. As a religious Jew at a secular university, I always look for chizuk and clarifications regarding religious Jewish, secular Jewish, and non-Jewish relationships, and this really helps. I had more of a "gut" sense in this area, but this article articulates it wonderfully.

(1)
Netanya,
January 13, 2013 8:05 AM

Excellent reminder

I particularly enjoyed the anaology of the circle with self at the epicentre moving out to community, then all humanity.... Charity begins at home....I am interetested in the motive some may have for empathy with humanity over their own community,, WHY?
I have posted this on Facebook and sent it to my circle - Thank you .

Avi,
January 13, 2013 10:28 AM

..because it is often easier..

....to anonymously be empathetic with the anonymous "humanity" then it is to care for and empathise with one's family - whom one knows well ( with their all their "issues") and who know us - with our own. This ability is tested in both good times and ( more importantly) during times of sorrow - as I am discovering now.. Thank you for the reminder.

AZ,
January 13, 2013 7:58 PM

A different point of view

"I am interested in the motive some may have for empathy with humanity over their own community,"-response
You may see it as humanity over one's community. But others may see work outside the Jewish community as equally part of their own community. The forces acting within the Jewish community come from outside as well as from within. Hence there is a rational reason for engaging with those outside, and treating a one from Africa or Asia just as somebody from the community. The argument against this is based on the myopia of identity politics just the same as ties Arabs to Arabs or Greeks to Greeks, as well as the related faith stemming from the divine miracles (i.e. Sinai). This is not to deny the importance and beauty of the Jewish people. Nestling one's values within that of Jewish morality and teachings enriches our ability to engage at home and abroad. But there is a danger to the belief in "exceptionalism." Comparing the "rest of humanity" to a "pet poodle" is degrading, and an example of where this logic leads--towards a world view approaching fascism's division of races into a hierarchy.
Love your mother. Love the Jewish people. But remember that a woman across from he world from you could be your mother, is somebody else's mother, and must be treated as such! This may not be the first step of awareness. One starts with love of their family and their community. And one who neglects those at home for selfish reasons is at fault. But this is part of a progression, it is simply the beginning of the path towards realizing that caring for one's love ones is intimately connected with caring for the plight of humanity as a whole.
As for the circles, Rab Cook was not the first to point this out, it is a core concept of traditional Confucian ethics (perhaps he came across it on his own though). However the limits of Confucian ethics in truly surpassing biases towards the self and class pointed out by Mao Zedong among others apply very much here as well.

I live in rural Montana where the Cholov Yisrael milk is difficult to obtain and very expensive. So I drink regular milk. What is your view on this?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Jewish law requires that there be rabbinic supervision during the milking process to ensure that the milk comes from a kosher animal. In the United States, many people rely on the Department of Agriculture's regulations and controls as sufficiently stringent to fulfill the rabbinic requirement for supervision.

Most of the major Kashrut organizations in the United States rely on this as well. You will therefore find many kosher products in America certified with a 'D' next to the kosher symbol. Such products – unless otherwise specified on the label – are not Cholov Yisrael and are assumed kosher based on the DOA's guarantee.

There are many, however, do not rely on this, and will eat only dairy products that are designated as Cholov Yisrael (literally, "Jewish milk"). This is particularly true in large Jewish communities, where Cholov Yisrael is widely available.

Rabbi Moshe Feinstein wrote that under limited conditions, such as an institution which consumes a lot of milk and Cholov Yisrael is generally unavailable or especially expensive, American milk is acceptable, as the government supervision is adequate to prevent non-kosher ingredients from being added.

It should be added that the above only applies to milk itself, which is marketed as pure cow's milk. All other dairy products, such as cheeses and butter, may contain non-kosher ingredients and always require kosher certification. In addition, Rabbi Feinstein's ruling applies only in the United States, where government regulations are considered reliable. In other parts of the world, including Europe, Cholov Yisrael is a requirement.

There are additional esoteric reasons for being stringent regarding Cholov Yisrael, and because of this it is generally advisable to consume only Cholov Yisroel dairy foods.

In 1889, 800 Jews arrived in Buenos Aires, marking the birth of the modern Jewish community in Argentina. These immigrants were fleeing poverty and pogroms in Russia, and moved to Argentina because of its open door policy of immigration. By 1920, more than 150,000 Jews were living in Argentina. Juan Peron's rise to power in 1946 was an ominous sign, as he was a Nazi sympathizer with fascist leanings. Peron halted Jewish immigration to Argentina, introduced mandatory Catholic religious instruction in public schools, and allowed Argentina to become a haven for fleeing Nazis. (In 1960, Israeli agents abducted Adolf Eichmann from a Buenos Aires suburb.) Today, Argentina has the largest Jewish community in Latin America with 250,000, though terror attacks have prompted many young people to emigrate. In 1992, the Israeli Embassy in Buenos Aires was bombed, killing 32 people. In 1994, the Jewish community headquarters in Buenos Aires was bombed, killing 85 people. The perpetrators have never been apprehended.

Be aware of what situations and behaviors give you pleasure. When you feel excessively sad and cannot change your attitude, make a conscious effort to take some action that might alleviate your sadness.

If you anticipate feeling sad, prepare a list of things that might make you feel better. It could be talking to a specific enthusiastic individual, running, taking a walk in a quiet area, looking at pictures of family, listening to music, or reading inspiring words.

While our attitude is a major factor in sadness, lack of positive external situations and events play an important role in how we feel.

[If a criminal has been executed by hanging] his body may not remain suspended overnight ... because it is an insult to God (Deuteronomy 21:23).

Rashi explains that since man was created in the image of God, anything that disparages man is disparaging God as well.

Chilul Hashem, bringing disgrace to the Divine Name, is one of the greatest sins in the Torah. The opposite of chilul Hashem is kiddush Hashem, sanctifying the Divine Name. While this topic has several dimensions to it, there is a living kiddush Hashem which occurs when a Jew behaves in a manner that merits the respect and admiration of other people, who thereby respect the Torah of Israel.

What is chilul Hashem? One Talmudic author stated, "It is when I buy meat from the butcher and delay paying him" (Yoma 86a). To cause someone to say that a Torah scholar is anything less than scrupulous in meeting his obligations is to cause people to lose respect for the Torah.

Suppose someone offers us a business deal of questionable legality. Is the personal gain worth the possible dishonor that we bring not only upon ourselves, but on our nation? If our personal reputation is ours to handle in whatever way we please, shouldn't we handle the reputation of our nation and the God we represent with maximum care?

Jews have given so much, even their lives, for kiddush Hashem. Can we not forego a few dollars to avoid chilul Hashem?

Today I shall...

be scrupulous in all my transactions and relationships to avoid the possibility of bringing dishonor to my God and people.

With stories and insights,
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