April, 2004

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Tuesday, April 27th, 2004

I’m Lost

So I have a nagging question. Here you go: Am I admirable?

leave a comment of why you think so, if you think so, but dont feel like you’ve got to leave a comment cuz you’re my friend or something, i dont want white lies. if the answer be no, with 0 comments, be it that, i wont die, i’ll just keep it in mind.

‘Round the Old Oak Tree

and so we’re still zipping right along.

it seems really strange to me that i’m sitting here in the same position as all those i watched last year were in. looking to make hell of the last few days, straightening out college plans, planning for prom, and actually glimpsing graduation through what i could say were lined and weary eyes, but are really lazy and half-closed eyes.

wow, the end is nigh. and i feel excited. and i feel tired. and i feel pangs of sadness. i especially feel sad when i’m sitting in hosa, being a complete weirdo, or telling kelly baxley in french ‘the nazis are watching!’, or that blessed lovely time at the end of calc where mr bond wanders among us in his funny way, making humorous comments about my ‘rice’ sweatshirt and from time to time breaking into ‘emma bemma bo bemma banana fama fo femma, me mi mo memma, emma!’ – the only person besides my mom i’ve ever known to do that. lunches planning world domination with katie, beginning of 8th period talks with kathy.. the comfort of knowing very well the randomly ticking mechanism that is lamar high school. i am senior, hear me roar!

i’ll miss these times a lot. they are happy times with happy friends, friends i have bonded with so very closely. every year i have felt some remorse at the breakup of a class that was exceptionally fun, but at least i knew i’d be scrambled with the same people the next year, and that at least one of my classes would probably be another jackpot. well, i s’pose there’s a chance that some class i have next year might be fun, but i really dont know how college works, and i really dont know what the chances of this are. really, i will miss being with my bonded friends. even if i make some friends next year, they wont be close, like the friends i have here. i have acquaintences at lamar, too, but i always know i can turn to kathy or katie if times get rough or i just need to yammer on for a while. with acquaintences, there is a certain amount of give and take that must be kept balanced, and there are taboo things, and you cant get too fire-and-brimstone on any subject that they disagree with you on, or you’ve lost them as an acquaintence, whereas with good friends you can yell all day and still be just as close come nightfall.

i’m excited about offing to southwestern, indeed. the prospect of a car, my own little world, no mom nagging me, etc, are all tantalizing my teenage-ness, but i view college as being a very lonely place. perhaps during the day with classes and activities i can keep myself busy enough not to notice so much, but as things quieten down in the eveningtime (and yes, they will quiet down, for me at least, i am no party person) or some weekend i’m stuck down there, how can i help but miss being able to call a friend a few minutes away and going on some spur-of-the-moment something?

these last few weeks are shaping up to be fun, though. time is whizzing past. in just a few days it’ll be the awards ceremony – prom – finals – last day of school – graduation BAM! over. the suddenness of change is something i never liked. when i was little i hated the way when my dad came to visit he was BAM! here and then a week later BAM! gone. it seemed like there should be some ceremony, some gradual transmission, not just him zooming out of sight round the corner of rocky canyon with a beep-beep on his horn and a hand out the window and back to normal life. of course, me, i never liked change, but eh, it keeps on happening anyway, reguardless of what i think of it.

i am in no hurry to get out of arlington, as many were last year. i like arlington. it’s comfortable to me, i know it. it’s my little place, my little habitat in this world. the little place i can call home. i will miss arlington when i’m in georgetown, even though i can come back to visit. but there’s one thing i will really, really, really miss. i will miss my house and my space. see, i am blessed to live near butler, because i can venture there whenever i want. so, instead of growing up with just my house and my yards, i grew up with my back yard, my house, my front yard, butler, gibbons park, and the woods. i know butler and gibbons like the back of my hand. i’ve been around it, watched it change and grow and shrink, watched the land between gibbons and butler take different shapes as the rain washes it, watched the grass be cut and grow back, cut and grow back, watched bushes of clover sprout and then be weeded away, only to slowly appear dotted around 5 years later, watched the giant ant colonies get buried and disappear at the hands of children and rocks and then winter, only to come back every time, every year. i walk lady three or four times a week around this land of mine, always watching it. it’s a little break from the world, wandering around this place i know so well. especially at this time of year, when it’s warm, but not too warm. walking through the calf-high grass, listening to the frogs at the creek and watching the grasshoppers buzz and jump out of my way with every step. feeling the warm pillowy breeze rise from the soccer field and kneeling to draw with my finger in the silky soft sand behind the far goalpost. i will miss this time i have every week in this place i know so well, walking lady, very, very much. southwestern is very pretty, with all it’s green lawns and bushy trees, but it’s all cultured, domesticated. around butler, it’s still half-wild.

HOORAY FOR GEORGE

OBVIOUSLY Gay marriage is so, so, SO wrong. In fact, this world we live in is so corrupt I completely agree with our beloved president George W Bush that these amendments need to be made to our consitution, to ensure that each and every one of us be SAVED!!!! If we’re going to go part of the way to save the sanctity of our marriages, we might as well go the WHOLE way!

I Am a Bad Teenager, Talking to Teenagers is like Talking to Walls, and I Hate Certain People

as you can see, I have much to cover in this post, so i certainly wont finish it this morning before i drove off to the hospital to face the class which has the highest ratio of Certain People I Hate. DAHHH! So, you’ll have to come back and see how i expand to this post as time goes by.

ok, firstly, Certain People I Hate.

as i already said, the majority of these people are in my HOSA class, or in the B-day HOSA class. I dont hate everyone in hosa, there are a few people in there that are pretty cool, like stephani, angela, jamie, tiffany (angela’s friend), and kammi. then there are also some people who i dont hate, but i’m just havent really befriended. AND THEN THERE ARE THE PEOPLE I HATE LIKE I HATE PEOPLE WHO DESTROY PURPLE THINGS.

also, my last post failed to state that i believe in evolution and the big bang and all that scientific stuff. though dr reimer (physics teacher) did raise an intresting point that if evolution is true than it defies some law of thermodynamics(?) (i dont know which one and i dont know if that’s right), but anyway, the one that says everything moves towards chaos.

i still believe in evolution, and am not questioning at all, neither am i defending his point, and i also see that it can be kindoff dismissed off the bat by saying that sentient things can use energy to keep things from moving to chaos (to an extent) or reverse things that have moved towards chaos (to an extent) and other stuff like that. i just wanted to see what everybody had to say about that. because i thought it might be intresting and i’m sure you all know a lot more about laws and stuff than i do, since i learned that in chem and have successfully forgotten that whole entire section of my life almost completely.

also completely unrelated:

I want everyone who reads this to ask me 3 questions, no more no less. Ask me anything you want. Then I want you to go to your journal, copy and paste this allowing your friends (including myself) to ask you anything.

Emma:1 Forced Religious Exposure:0

i feel like i did my good deed today by helping to erase the opening prayer from the HOSA banquet. no more shall the non-christian members of hosa have to sit through a long and often uncomfortable prayer when the contents of it can be expressed very nicely in a non-religious little speechy-thing without mentioning any particular religion. it’s not that i’m against praying.. i just think there’s no reason to make anyone feel uncomfortable right off the bat when you could be using that time and those words to make everyone feel a little happier and together instead of segregated.

contrary to what most people think, i’m not agnostic or athiest, i’m christian. well, something like christian anyway. maybe closer to jewish, i’m not sure. i believe there’s a god, and i think he’s really cool and has a very good sense of humor, but is also loving and stuff. i think there was a guy called jesus, but i dont really like him as much as i like god, because he seems very aloof and out of touch with the world, which i dont like in people. but he was a cool guy who did cool stuff so it’s not like i hate him, i just like god and purple a lot more. i believe there’s a heaven, and you make your own by how you act on earth. i dont think there’s a hell, because if you make your own heaven you dont need one, if you lived your life badly then your heaven is hell. my opinion on abortion is that it’s abused as a form of birth control and that people are given too long to figure out what they want to do. i think abortion costs should increase exponentially, thus discouraging people from getting a million of them. i also think that god wastes no lives. i think if you havnt lived long enough to understand the concept of your own mortality then you’ll simply be reborn, you wont be lost forever. maybe it was part of gods plan that you were aborted so your mother would learn some valuable lessons or something, you just dont know. i also think the bible, like the pirates code, is more like guidelines than actual rules. i think we need to look more carefully at the translations being done, because the changing of just one word (ex: ‘know’) can mean so much, especially with more modern ideas of what the word means. i also think we need to intrepret the lessons in the bible to fit today’s times (ex: music during services, as camerons posts talk about). i am as of yet undecided on the boundry between human choice and gods plans, but right now i’m happy doing doublethink and accepting both. also, i dont go to church on sunday and i’ve never been baptised (though i was christened as a baby).

obviously, because of all this, many christians have condemned me to hell. always a way to brighten someone’s day,

eh? : )

so, there will be no prayer at the hosa banquet this year. instead, we’re going to put an all-encompassing ‘thankful’ thingy into the welcoming spech (ex: we’re thankful for this wonderful year we’ve had in hosa and for having the opportunity to all gather her tonight to celebrate.. blah blah blah). i dont like public prayers because even though i’m christian-or-something-like-it, the prayers said publicly often seem so strict, so false, and so prepared and unrealistic (and often sappy) that i’m almost embarrassed to offer that to god. i mean, i wouldnt turn in something at school so conformist with my name on it, i’d be embarrassing myself, so why in the world would i want to do the equivilent to anyone? when i pray its from my heart in my own words and mostly feelings and abstracts that arent words. i think if i’m forcing people to privately pray at home about hosa it’s probably better because it’ll be truer and more sincere. even if people arent required to take part in a prayer, it’s a kind of instant segrigation, and often uncomfortable to those who choose not to take part. why not just avoid it? so often i feel that people who fight so hard to put prayers in public events are doing so simply because they have the right to do so and their church told them to. people dont get that fighting so hard to defend and promote your religion just makes people dislike you and your religious group more. (same thing goes with patriotism, btw). of course, there are some really cool strong christians out there that do not fall into this catagory and do not make people dislike their religion, but unfortunately there are many many more out there who give christianity a bad name.

sorry that was a kindof a random, jumpy post. probably gave some of you a glimpse of a lesser-seen emma. oh well, have fun.

Family Feuds

ok, so my sister’s post and what she’s telling my friends is somewhat pissing me off. i understand her anger, but i feel the need to vent my anger by getting all sides of the story out in the open.

so last.. wednesday or so, my sister suddenly realises that the weekend we’re going to LA (easter weekend, aka last weekend) is the weekend after her birthday (april 8th). reasonably, she is quite upset about this, because she wants to spend it here. my dad already has booked and paid for tickets to LA for us, non-refundable. she comes home and goes nuts to my mom (understandable) and requests to call my dad and ask if she can bail out last-minute (understandable). all this so far i see as ok. i cant see myself reacting much better or doing much different. in fact, when my mom debated to herself whether she should let my sister call my dad i was there, and gave my own uninvited opinion that ‘it’s worth asking, anyway’ even though we were all quite sure the answer would be no, as it was (understandable).

now, when i thought of asking my dad if i can skip out on a trip he’s already booked and planned, i imagined going about this the politist and kindest way humanly possible. explaining the situation, my regrets, my torn-hearted-ness.. ending with something like ‘so i was just wondering if it would maybe be ok if i didnt come, but if it’s too much of a big deal for you to cancel the tickets or anything, that’s ok and i wont mind coming.’ even if this is a downright lie, it’s just what you do. i mean he spent time and ?300 each to book us these tickets. even if he is rich, that’s still $1200, which is far from cheap. so, when my dad says nope, you’re coming, you just accept it and get on. i mean, you werent seriously expecting for him to ok it, right? but it’s worth asking.

now, to make this as fair as possible, i’ll tell everyone straight out that this part of it i heard from my dear father as he was yelling at elizabeth, but i really do not think he made it up or exaggerated to any level that matters here the events.

my sister apparently went about the kind and nice way for a bit, and my dad apparently was aslo kind and nice, gently telling her no and that it just wasnt possible for her to skip the trip. but my sister blew it because she kept on going, getting angrier and angrier that my dad wouldnt let her not come. my dad, in turn (and rightfully so) got angry and yelled at her, and my sister tied the whole thing with a bow by hanging up on my dad.

now, i understand her being pissed about missing out on her birthday weekend, but such is life. my dad had already spent this much time and money on us flying to LA (even rebooking his and everybody else’s tickets so that they could spend that extra day and 2 halfs with us). it is completely understandable that he wanted her to follow through with what she had agreed to do. really, she should have looked on the calender and figured out it was her birthday weekend before committing. perhaps my mom should have brought it to her attention a little more, but at 15 with all the independance she claims now i think keeping up with her own dates is something she can handle.

now to rant on my dad: i think that elizabeth had every right to ask if she could not come. true, she overstepped her boundries by not accepting a no answer, but i think that asking and politely accepting your answer would have been ok. secondly, i dont think there’s a ‘communication gap’ in our family. my mom obviously thought my sister was quite capable of looking on a calendar and was wrong. she had already asked elizabeth if she wanted to do anything on the weekend of her birthday and she had said no. she had accepted the invitation to LA confidently.

cars

ok, i might be inviting all hell to break loose by asking this question, but i want some input.

i perhaps have the opportunity to become owner of a car soon. i’m looking at a new jeep wrangler (x edition), but the gas milage sucks and i’m not sure if it’s the car for me. i’ve also looked a little at the Jeep Liberty (sport edition). but outside of jeeps, what cars do you think would suit me? what kind of a car do you think i’d enjoy?

price range is around $20,000, i dont mind learning to drive standard, a good gas milage is attractice since i’ll be buyig my own gas, and my dad would like it to be new so we can reap dealership benefits as far as servicing and stuff (my dad can work a car dealer well) (so no 40,000 used’s being sold for 20,000 on carmax, please). ok.. let loose and tell me what you think.

i’m gone

i’m gone. again.

back sunday night. if i don’t die.

UPDATE: ok people, i apologise for the lack of posts recently. i’m just so damn busy and so damn tired. i am tired in every way there is to be tired. i’m sleep deprived, but i’m also just tired of thinking and wanting to do NOTHING for about 2 weeks. i’m just not a person who handles constant activity well. makes me wonder how i’ll make it through med school. sigh. anyway, i’m leaving in an hour to go to LA to meet up with my dad and stuff and tomorrow we go to disneyland/world/universe with kenneth and the twins. i guess that’ll be fun. i mean, it’s not spring break season anymore, and many religious people will be with family doing easter stuff, so the park (though not empty i’m sure) will maybe be less full than it might be when most go. i went to disneyland/world/universe in florida when i was like 7, but i only remember standing in line, and going on the earthquake ride because i thought it was real and i was really scared (as was elizabeth). we went with our dad on spring break for that. anyway, going with kenneth and the twins should be fun because they’ll enjoy it. i also found out (i think) that the pirates of the caribbean ride is in california, and i love that movie cuz it’s awesome so i guess going on the ride would be pretty cool. (ps – i do not love this movie simply for the reason that orlando bloom or johnny depp is in this movie. i like it cuz it’s a really fun movie to watch and makes me want to go be a pirate. arrr.)

so here’s the usual crap for me-going-away:

not taking laptop, dad would throw fit. taking cell phone, so im me at frzfre666 or call. but only call 9pm friday to 7am monday if you’re not tmobile cuz we’re low on minutes. also, if you call or im, remember my dad is insane, so i might not be able to answer the call or your im right away. dont throw a fit or think i dont like you, ok?? so no huffing when you next see me or getting in a mood. i’ll try and call you back but it might not be till i get back. so be patient. (i’m only typing this out of one past experience, i dont actually expect anyone to call.)

anyway, that’s all. i’ve got a shitload of hw and i’m so damn tired i would kill somebody to sleep right now. and no, for all those who are asking me, i am not excited to be going to california. should i be? i dont get it. i went there once when i was about 5 and all i remember is pressing the emergency stop in the elevator and getting in a shitload of trouble. i might be excited if i werent so tired and grumpy.

be back sunday night around 7pm after half a day on a plane due to time change.

Blah To Me

fuck. again i’ve done no homework. and i really need to. i have a shitload of calc to do and a stupid pointless study guide to do for english. the english will be late, there’s no way i can get it in (if i turn it in at all in the end) and the calc i doubt i can finish during lunch. i’m pissed at myself for being stupid and not doing my hw. i’m fucking tired. it’s midnight. i’m not asleep, like i should be. i waste all my time and get myself only into shit for doing it. i have nothing to look forwards to. mr coatney pisses me off. i extremely dislike myself right now.

I am Emma. I am a dual-citizen: half British and half American - but I was born in Norway. I love potatoes and purple. I'm shy, but not. I work on computers, bikes, and DNA, and I play violin. Here is the story of a transplant from Texas to Scotland...