we run until feet bleed, ride trains from the Bronx to Coney Island, watch the sun rise, leave words on granite, find purpose in the music, yell for the gloaming, grow in numbers as the hours pass, push back fate, search for god in the traffic lights, save self, smoke life on the Brooklyn Bridge, jump off the Empire State building, lay down on Broadway, wear noise pollution like headphones, hold her heart in our pockets, dot her eyes, cross her streets, when the city sleeps we will be watching

Monday, January 31, 2005

tough weekend
John is a great kid, i saw him writing
with a pen on a box the right way
i still don't know how to write the right way

the drama this weekend
today is Angel's birthday
so we were hanging a bit the last few days

and we went out one night
and John's mom called my house
and no one answered
and she freaked out
said she was going to call the cops on me

god forbid i hang out with my best friend
for his birthday and i know most people
who read this may think that she's an asshole
and im playing the victim role
but im not

im just a father who wants his son
and doesn't feel like he needs to
jump through hoops and rings of fire
for his son's mother
because she think's im not fit

i'm his father
he has my genes
John looks like me
all the way through
but thats not the important part
the important part is that

I LOVE HIM
LOVE HIM TO THE DEATH OF ME
LOVE HIM LIKE NOTHING BEFORE
(more than radiohead, jimi hendrix and the mars volta)
AND I'VE FELT DEFEATED FOR A LONG TIME NOW

i'm not saying his granparents and her won't raise him well
they'll raise him differently
i want to show him central park in the spring
the concourse in the summer
Orchard Beach in August (don't laugh at me)
show him Puerto Rico in July, September, and August
show him that the Yankees are the best team in the WORLD
his first day of school
his first suspension for graffiti (!!!)

BUT INSTEAD I HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT COURTS
AND PEOPLE NOT THINKING I'M GOOD ENOUGH
WHO THE HELL ARE THEY?
ASSUMPTIONS AND PRE-JUDGEMENTS
CAN KILL A PERSON'S LIFE

and i think it may kill my mother
she loves the LIFE out of John
and he's very attentive to her
and i love watching them together

T-BALL
LITTLE LEAGUE
MUSIC CAMP
POETRY READINGS
COLLABORATIONS (WHEN HE STARTS PLAYING AN INSTRUMENT)

i want to watch him grow up
akward and dorkie
like me
get bad haircuts
like me
be funny and silly
like me

BUT everyone wants to talk about my character
or that im a bad person cause i've cheated on women
or stole things from places
or been arrested
or that im a "compulsive" liar
or that im a not educated enough
or because i'm puerto rican
i dont understand anything right now
all i know is that

I AM JOHN'S FATHER
I LOVE HIM AND WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR HIM
SO WHY AM I NOT THE ONE TO RAISE HIM
BECAUSE YOU SAID SO...
(no reason to lose his father too)

B.

(funny thing is that if my last name is Rojas, and his name is John Pablo, people can put two and two together)

5 Comments:

im sorry.as a single mother, i have been on the other side of those same accusations.but as a parent -- i feel your painand i am sorry you are not allowed to be the father that your son deserves to have in his lifei am sorry they wont let you be the man you really arebeside the bullshit that finds its way in between ex-lovers and severed familiesand lastly,i am sorry it hurts so badyou don't deserve it

"Mother To Son"Well son, I'll tell you:Life for me ain't been no crystal stair.It's had tacks in it,And splinters,And boards torn up,And places with no carpet on the floor--Bare.But all the timeI'se been a-climbin' on,And reachin' landin's,And turnin' corners,And sometimes goin' in the darkWhere there ain't been no light.So boy, don't you turn back.Don't you set down on the steps'Cause you finds it's kinder hard.Don't you fall now--For I'se still goin', honey,I'se still climbin',And life for me ain't been no crystal stair.--Langston Hughes

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