Archive for Housewives

So I’ve come to realization that these “Real Housewives of Wher-ever-the-fuck” shows are the absolute prime example of the downfall of Western Civilization. Every single woman depicted on these shows is a shallow, self-aggrandizing gold-digger who doesn’t have an ounce of talent or any marketable skills to speak of other than popping out babies and letting nannies raise them. Every single one of these bitches has followed the same basic plan of attack –

Marry into Money

Divorce poor schlub with money and take 50% of his net worth, plus alimony and whatever else her grubby botox mitts can snag including houses, cars, boats etc

Repeat Step 2 if more money is needed to spend on moronic business ventures and/or shitty acting/singing careers

Miraculously no matter where the show is set (Orange County, New Jersey, Atlanta, New York) all of the women featured seem to have mastered this truly ingenious scheme. Below is only one stunningly embarrassing way these leeches spend the money they’ve sucked-fucked-divorced into.

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

REALLY BITCH?!?!?!?

PRO-TIP: MONEY ALSO CANNOT BUY YOU A VOICE YOU SHALLOW TALENTLESS CUNT (also I hope standing next to all that expensive musical equipment that STILL CAN’T MAKE your awful excuse for a singing voice sound better, irradiates your uterus and renders you barren so can’t infect the world with anymore of your lineage)

She sounds like two cats fucking in an alley who get broken up by one of them slipping ass first into a blender. It’s truly fucking horrible. AND WHO THE FUCK IS THAT PRODOUCHER?!?! Later in the clip he exclaims how awesome she sounds and then without missing a fucking ass-kissing breath as he no doubt rakes in several hundred dollars of her ‘hard earned’ cash unbelievably compares her..

to…

Madonna……….

Let that shit sink in for a second. Seriously that piece of shit is a walking, talking example of the AIDS in the music industry I bet he also praises Fallout Boy for not selling out and wants to intern for P-Diddy so he can really get a taste of what the industry is like. Hopefully this dickfuck catches a stray 9mm in the face whilst standing in front of the Virgin superstore in Times Square debating the finer points of Ashely Simpson’s vocal stylings.

I hope Madonna never sees that because I know if someone compared me to the Countess pictured above I’d want to suck on a buckshot milkshake real fucking fast. Oh and yes you read that last sentence correctly. The caterwauling harpy in the above 15 seconds of pure aural torture goes by Countess.

THE COUNTESS OF WHAT BITCH??? You live in New York. This great magical land from which you hail as Countess must not be that awesome since you moved to fucking New York instead. I like to imagine she hails from the far away Duchy of Leechcunt, where all Countesses learn the courtesan skills of spending other people’s money and talking shit about people she deems beneath her.

It is my sincere hope that after her thankless leech spawn have sucked at her golden tit well into their 40’s that they unceremoniously dump her dried up ass in the worst retirement home they can find. I hope she then gets the royal treatment she so deserves of eating oatmeal through a straw and shitting in an adult diaper for the remainder of her days.