Do you watch sports? I don’t. The closest I get to a sports game is a headline about one of the (male) athlete’s appearance. Those always get my attention. So what will I do with a story about a 300 hundred pound pitcher? I will put my eyes all over that.

There is a pitcher for a team at St. Thomas University in Miami whose name is Ben Ancheff and he is apparently 6’2″ and “300 pounds.” He is a giant man. He is also a pitcher. Usually giant baseball men are in the outfield. Ben? He’s at the center. He’s the swollen heart of the team.

He is apparently 300 pounds and four inches taller than me. Can he pitch me? Can he throw me home? I am half his size (in poundage) so can he pick me up and toss me at things? Can he toss me at himself? Can he throw me up above him like a baby, catch me in his arms, watch me giggle, and then throw me into the air again? He is like a giant sky blue man that throws things. He should throw me. Does he throw things hard? Can he pitch me a television show? Can he pitch me something that we can do together? Not baseball. I’m bad at baseball.

He does seem like an able pitcher. He can move, according to videos of him playing. Does he like pitching? I’m sure some of the guys love his pitching. I love his pitching. He has good arms. He seems like he puts a lot of weight behind the ball. Or balls? I guess he pitches more than one ball a day. Do baseball players say things like “He gets good behind the balls“? Can he touch his balls? He’s a big, tall guy: I feel like that would be a task. Do other guys on the team touch his balls? If I were his teammate, I would touch his balls, as a friend or as a teammate. Whichever he wanted.

How do you play baseball? Like, I “know” but I also don’t. Can he teach me? How hard are his pitches? Like really hard? Like, would he bruise me? I bruise easily. How about he just gives me a piggy back ride and we trot off into the sunset to a Baskin Robbins to eat a cake in the shape of a baseball. I’m lactose intolerant but I would still do that.

Well, I hope Ancheff continues his great career in baseball. Can he go pro? Can someone put a GoPro on him? I would watch that.