Saturday, 8 August 2009

That's Life, So Wot?

I have chronic PMT. I feel like breaking crockery; I have a dull headed feeling and I feel like I'm chewing cardboard. I am oversensitive. And I can hear fingernails dragging across a blackboard. I am irrational. My head feels like it's in a vice. Or perhaps I need a new vice? Or some advice?I NEED SOMEONE TO BE NICE TO ME. Failing that, a Moscow Mule will probably do. And a fag. Anyhow, here is a clip of film made by a media studies student.

I am now going to put myself in a secure unit. It is for your own safety.

Listen hen, you sit back and put your wee feet up for a while. I'll just finish the hoovering, and then I'll make the dinner. In the meantime you just sit and relax, sip on your tea, and enjoy a ciggie or two.

....is what you'd like to hear.

When you've finishd dreaming, you can fetch me another bottle of beer. Make sure this one is cold..reet?

I'm going to send you by email the best Moscow Mule you will ever have had. I'd like to present you with the drink in person, but you are rather scarey when you are like this and I am a very timid soul

So if you finish the orange cream chocolates and the strawberry filled glass of champagne before I finish the foot massage, I'm going to have to leave for 5 minutes to top everything up againA quiet cigarette will tide you over

Ms. S. You are clearly communing with the spirits, in touch with the very being of the plates. At times like this people should be worshipping you and gathering the undoubtedly powerful insights that your special sensitivity has given you. You are a goddess (hot water bottles help too)W

The Fammy: Erm... I'm having a relapse, so perhaps Friday. 11.00am SHARP.

Pat: My tolerance levels are a little low. Thankfully I have picked up the word 'aunt' from Mrs P and Dr Maroon, so people don't actually realise that I'm swearing at them.I stand in my back garden shrieking 'everybody is an aunt' and nobody appears to be offended. They just think I'm mad.

Mr U: Thank you for your shoulder. Very considerate.

Technobabe: Do I have to eat the lima beans, spinach and sand? Is it okay if I make them into an eye-pleasing sculpture?

Mr XL: Could you also make a cup of tea and bring me some ginger nuts?

Mr Mutts: Don't be silly!!!! *Slaps Mr Mutts* I will set mistress MJ on you if you don't behave. She will hit you over the head with her flaming uterus.

Savvy: Thank you Savvy. Kind, peaceful words.

MJ: Mr Mutts is asking daft questions! He needs to be battered with Uteri!

Lulu: Gin, and Champagne, and vodka, and whisky, and...Should make a good cocktail.

Fairyhedgehog: Yes please! And biscuits!

Sarah: I need a padded cell and a well stocked fridge!

Mr Jeykand: Moi? Scary?????You're about as timid as a nudist on a speeding motor bike!

Mr Morton: I will let you off this time, but the F-word is banned on this blog... you don't want to be the recipient of a scarlet card, do you?

Clyde: Now this kind of talk is working! Mr Jimmy and Mr Morton, please take note!

Roses: Hello and Welcome! I hope you don't mind but I think I've smoked all your baccy?

Leah: And they try to fob us off with Evening Primrose oil!!! Are they nuts?????

Kaz: Exactly!! Please slap him hard!! And pull his toes.

Mr Beastie: Ppppffftttt.... [With extra dribble]

Wendy: I feel more like a teapot at the moment! I love hot water bottles. It's because they smell of hot rubber. Odd.

Tony: Grrrrrrrr....[I am beginning to froth. And not in a good way]

Kev: You are always the gentleman! I am feeling soothed again...

Eryl: Yep, I'm the hiding type too. I think it's the best thing to do - for the sake of humanity.

Mr Whirly: Crikey, what happened in the last episode of 'Enders? As you can tell it made an impression. Did Phil say: 'I own ya' to anybody? Did he shoot anyone? Has Dawn found true love with Bradley [surely this is on the cards]?

Mr Mags: Machine gun!!!! Good thinking.

Liam: 'Fag' is a UKism for cigarette, but I can understand the confusion.And everyone here has put me in a better frame of mind. Even Mr Jimmy and Mr Morton.

BTW I have a 12 year old daughter who has not yet reached puberty. Can you explain why she has permanent PMT? I'm begining to think it has nothing to do with cycles. Maybe you are just becoming a teenager again

Mr Frobi: I already have... It's the only way to me an indecent man in a uniform.

Mr Jeykand: And do you ride it nekkid? Can we see pics? Or perhaps you could make a video :o)You're daughter may be an early developer, therefore well within her rights to be moody.Yep, I look about sixteen and still have a problem buying fags.

I don't have PMT, TODAY! But I too would love to throw some crockery!! Did you know you can go to places to pay and do that? Good anger management therapy apparently.Hope you're feeling better soon. ;0)