I am a single older mother with a 3-year old daughter. I have no
family and would like to find out whether it is possible to
adopt a grandmother, grandfather, cousines, aunts, uncles, etc..
Any suggestions?
A

I don't know if you have any religious inclinations, but I
always felt that the (very liberal) Protestant Church I
attended growing up was a wonderful ''extended family''. In
fact, our church even had smaller groups within the Church
called ''family groups'' that met regularly, although I don't
know of any churches in the area that have that particular set
up.

Another possibility might be to get involved with a seniors
group, either by volunteering for an organization that works
with seniors, or maybe by contacting a retirement home or
community. That way, you could get to know a number of people
and see who you connect with, and who might be open to a deeper
relationship with you and your daughter. I'm sure there are
seniors in the community who may have no grandchildren (or
they're living elsewhere) and would love to be involved with
your family. Good luck.
Lisa

I'm a single parent of a 4 year old boy and I need some advice!
I moved back to the Bay Area about 16 months ago after my
husband and I split up because my family lives here and I felt I
needed there support. My ex moved to San Diego and my son sees
him about once every 4 to 6 weeks for a few days at a time
(definitely not enough time). I'll be leaving my job at the end
of March and I don't know what to do. I am sick and tired of
being a single, full-time working-outside-the-home, parent! I
know others do this successfully but I just feel overwhelmed and
frantic all of the time. My question is, do I move to the San
Diego area so that I can share custody with my ex (we are in
agreement on this) so that I can perhaps have some kind of
decent, less stressed filled life (and of course the very added
benefit that my son will spend time with his dad on a regular
basis), or do I stay in the Bay Area so that I can remain close
to my family (who help out when they can, though neither of my
parents are very interested in being grandparents and my
siblings have there own lives)? If I move to SD I could go back
to school, then hopefully get a more fulfilling career, but I
won't know anyone (and I find it's rather difficult making
friends), but if I stay here I'll be stuck in the same
relentless rat race that I'm in now. My poor little boy has to
bear the brunt of my discontent and the thought of how this is
affecting him makes me want to cry!

At the moment, I never have time alone and all I seem to do is
run frantically between work, preschool, grocery store, dr's
office, etc, etc, etc. I don't have time to exercise, read a
book, stare off into space, do anything remotely creative, or
just have fun doing goofy stuff with my son. I know this sounds
like one big self-indulged pity party but I truly need some
advice. What would you do?
Just another stressed out mom!

I think you should go on and move to San Diego. Your ex is the
best support that you have right now for your child. No one
else will be there for your child like he will. You already
have school as an option for yourself there too. It won't be
long before you develop your own support network. You can come
up here for visits a few times a year for family help. Have you
considered childcre swapping with other single parents? Take
care of yourself.
anon
You don't really mention what your relationship with your ex is like, other
than to say that you're in agreement about shared custody. If the two of
you get along decently now that you're apart, and he's willing to help, it
sounds like it might be better to be there with him around for your son,
than here with people whom you describe as ''not all that interested'' and
''having their own lives.''

I think I'd sit down and make lists: for example, how much help (in terms
of time) you have here, how much you'd have there (talk to your ex if you
can). How much money you have here (what you earn, what you
spend), and what it would be like there. Who your friends are here, and
how often you get to see them, versus who you'd know there (doesn't
sound like there is anyone, other than your ex). Be as realisitic as you
can (of course it's impossible to know completely, but you can probably
have a pretty good estimate). Then decide what looks best for you.
Good luck.
Karen

I absolutely hear what you are saying. I am a single mom of a
now 7 year old boy and even though I do not feel overwhelmed as
much anymore, it is still very challenging at times. My advise
to you is this. If your ex-husband is a good father to your son,
and you and him can work things out amicably, MOVE. It will not
only make your life easier, as you already mention, but the main
thing is that it will be much better for your son. My son's
father lives 200 miles away, and even though he sees him every
other weekend and during school vacations, it is never enough. I
am confronted on a daily basis with the sadness of my son
missing the ''daily'' interaction with his father. The only thing
from keeping me here in the Bay Area is that I have a very
fulfilling career, which allows me to provide adequately for my
son and be a very happy mother at the same time. There are no
career opportunities for me in the area where my son's father
lives (not even a job that would pay enough for me to support my
son), otherwise I would seriously re-consider. Ties with family
are important, but your son's father is his family as well, and
ultimately, when your son is happy, you will be happy too.
another single mom
My husband and I have been living in the Bay Area for our whole
relationship (8 1/2 years) and are DYING to leave. We have zero
family and only a few acquantances here. This is the situation
for a tremendously outgoing and friendly man like my husband
is! We feel that most of the people here are so much into
themselves and the rat race, as you mentioned. All of our
parents (both sets divorced) have been begging us to move closer
to one of them but we've resisted until now, hoping that we'd
someday make a real home for ourselves here (and also so as not
to offend the parents we didn't choose to be close to). Since
our daughter was born in July 2000, and my husband's decline in
health, it has become down right depressing to be here ALONE. I
am married and my husband is a wonderful father, but I too NEVER
get any time alone (I even take my daughter to my part-time job)
and our marriage NEVER gets any adult sustenance due to the
constant presence of our daughter. So we've decided to move
close to my father and step-mother this coming June, with the
promise of family support with the difficulties that come with
my husband's health, as well as having good grandparents who
really want to be a part of their granddaugher's life, and even
babysit!

The reason I'm telling you all this is because I want you to
know that I understand completely how you're feeling about your
lack of support and time to be you, separate from your son. It
doesn't mean you're selfish, it just means that you were a
person before you had a baby and you still are! I love my
daughter more than I can put into words, but I really could use
a break from her company from time to time.
Sooooo, even though you moved here because you thought being
close to your family would help with being a single parent, it
hasn't, right? If you and your ex get along well and agree that
you could come up with a joint custody arrangement, it really
may be in your and your son's best interest to move. If you're
not getting the support or help you need from your parents or
siblings, and your son's father wants to be able to be a hands-
on dad, then I think that would be wonderful.

I too have a hard time making new friends, but having a child is
an excellent ice breaker. You can join a mother's group, gym,
church or chat with and get to know the other parents where your
son goes to school. Being new in town should bring some offers
of a few casseroles and shown around town.

Incidentally, we honeymooned in San Diego and I thought it was
someplace I could live. I bet it would feel much less like a
rat race and the people would be warmer than we've experienced
here. Good luck!
Jennifer

You're here bcs your family is here, but it doesn't sound like
they are making your life a whole lot better. It also doesn't
sound like you have a whole lot to lose by giving San Diego a
try, and it also sounds like you'd be happier if your son was
able to see his dad more often. See if your spouse will agree to
a trial one year relocation and not contest it if you decide to
move back here.
anon
I am in a similar situation. I lived in Oakland and my ex lives
in Castro Valley. Well I moved to Sacramento and my kids see
their father every other weekend. So I do get some me time. The
traveling is hard and I don't have any family out there but I'm
not as far as you are from San Diego. But I keep one thing in
mind when living my life and that is that I do for me and I do
right by my children. Everything you do for yourself is not
going to benefit everyone. But your child will benefit in the
end. As a single parent, I know it gets overwhelming sometimes.
Been there, done that....
You seem to have already answered your own question: You could
either move to San Diego and ''share custody with my ex (we are
in agreement on this) so that I can perhaps have some kind of
decent, less stressed filled life (and of course the very added
benefit that my son will spend time with his dad on a regular
basis)''...or you could ''move to SD (where)I could go back to
school, then hopefully get a more fulfilling career...(whereas)
if I stay here I'll be stuck in the same relentless rat race
that I'm in now.''

You may be lonely in San Diego, at first, but it sounds like the
pros outweigh the cons. Also, you and your son could visit your
family in the Bay Area (where your parents don't have much
interest in being grandparents and your siblings are busy)
rather than having your son ''visit'' his dad in San Diego every
few weeks.
Good luck