Back when I worried about my own car repairs, whenever a part was replaced, a mechanic would hand me the old greasy thing to prove that he had replaced that oil pan, brake pad, battery. I never quite knew what to do with them. Take them home? Donate them to Good Will? Make them into fine art?

(Google image)

I always thanked them very much and took the greasy gunk home where I threw it out. I understood why they did it, it was to ensure that they really did replace your oil pan, brake pad or battery. That they weren’t cheating you. I got that part.

But I came home with something today that, well, I am a wee bit baffled to have in my possession. I don’t know quite what to do with it. And I’m pretty sure I didn’t think that cheating me was an issue this time. And believe me, I’m sure they did the work.

You see, I had a medical procedure today. Down there. I had the colostomy patient’s version of a colonoscopy, an ileo-rectal sigmoidoscopy. It was to find out what’s going on down there, to see what has been making me sick in the last few months and to figure out what to do next. The procedure is a pain in the ass in that it is inconvenient, takes up a whole day plus prep. But in the overall scheme of things, it’s really no big deal. Plus they give me great drugs.

The good news is that I’m not doing too badly. I will be taking drugs for a while, but none of the drugs that scare the bejesus out of all of us when we see their ads on TV where the list of how the drug will kill you goes on for longer than the program. That’s good news.

And I am feeling better already so I can stop whining about my health, which is good news for you all.

But in addition to instructions on what to do tonight – take it easy, don’t drink, call us if you puke — I got a whole packet of information in a glossy file folder, which I figured would take its place in a file drawer with a packet of other similar folders. Until I opened the file folder and saw that it contained color pictures.

I am the proud owner of several full color glossy photos of my asshole.

Oh, Elyse, I have similar pics from two occassions. They are quite entertaining. The places cameras can go and the things they can see are a marvel to me. I’m so glad you’re going to be okay and I sure wish you continued healing in the nether regions because it sure isn’t fun. Take it easy and if you can figure out how I can get a behind like the one in the picture at my age, I’ll be eternally grateful! 🙂

Hahahaha!
Just came home from a root canal: thank you for making my day seem so much less dire!
In all seriousness, though, I’m glad you are feeling generally OK, and that your medical news wasn’t too bad. Be well!

Your final photo left me laughing out loud, for real. But seriously, I’m sorry you haven’t been feeling well, but glad there is medicine to help. As for the folder of photos of your ass… hmmm… I’ve got nothing. (Not too inspired today, as I’m getting over some pukey bug- but really enjoyed the laugh).

Sadly, those are not my panties and that isn’t the area in question. And if I ever looked like that, well, nobody told me about it.

But telling my husband that he is an asshole, even on the very rare time when he really is an asshole, doesn’t achieve my objective. But seriously, my husband is a good guy. Sometimes I have to just let him get away with it!

Lucky you!! I was shown photos/diagrams of the giant tumor I had removed years ago. It was then when I knew I could be in the medical field because it didn’t phase me at all. I was fascinated.

I’ve had several things removed in my time (appendix, ovary, fallopian tube, ovarian cyst, uterus etc. etc.) and I am really disappointed they never sent me home with any of my body parts in a jar. Would have looked so lovely next to the clock on the mantel.

I always thought that your house would be full of interesting things, Darla, but it would surprise me to see a uterus on your mantle. On a shelf in the kitchen, ok. But the mantle is just soooooooo tacky.

I end up looking at pictures of yucky things all the time in medical journals (including the time I was thumbing through the NEJM at lunch and was treated to a picture of “black hairy tongue” — that was a great day for my diet). But somehow the humor of being given (well, for probably $35K) a picture of my asshole, well, it was impossible to resist.

Reminds me of childbirth, when the nurse positions a mirror so you can see everything that’s going on down there. Personally, I declined the mirror. There are just some images I never want stuck in my head. Glad you’re feeling better!

Whew! I’m glad you made out well. I got good news yesterday as well…it’s nice to breathe. As for those photos….why am I imagining future generations sitting around asking “Is this g-moms butt when it was young?”

When I had a few toe joints removed, I deliberately asked the doctor for the remnants, and brought them home in a jar so my boys could see them and perhaps learn from them. Not one, not one of them, is a medical doctor today, and I’m pissed. BTW, yours is a lovely ass.

Okay. I am preparing for my upcoming urr exam next month. This will be my second time on the old camera stick and was shutting the whole thing out of my mind until now. Somehow, someway you have given me a positive spin on the whole roto rooter thing. My mind and my a$$ thanks you. Hope all is well in the end. 😉

Good luck with your procedure. They really are no big deal — and I say this from years and years of having to have them. Relax, ignore (but do the prep, enjoy the drugs. All the things that go on in my mind before hand make the procedure terror when it just isn’t. We torture ourselves, don’t we?!

I actually have to have this done about once a year. So I can compare and find out if I am more of an asshole this year than last! Most people would say that it depends on who you talk to, but I’ll say “one picture is worth …”

Ahhh…the joys of having to intersect with the medical profession from time to time in our lives…they just don’t know how to be delicate about anything!! Glad you can see the huge amount of humor in it all!! Prayers for continued good reports!!

Thanks Sage, not having to do the nasty drugs has made me feel 100% better. The rest I can manage.

As for the lack of sensitivity, I think when you deal with the temple that is the human body (what idiot came up with that metaphor?) you lose all sense of perspective. Now what do they think I will do with these photos?

Ahh..the temple…very Biblical!! I visited my sister several years ago in NYC…she’s a singer…and on her refrigerator was a photo of her damaged vocal cords! Look that photo up on Google, and tell me what that looks like! Ha!

If your photos are really impressive..make bathroom wallpaper out of them!!! LOL!

Not too much, but the other day my husband was prepping for a surgery partly by watching a video of the procedure…our kids asked a few times, even the next day, if we could watch “the sinus surgery” again!

Totally worth it if you’re feeling better! (And I hope they manage to pin down and fix whatever it is.)
Keep the pictures with you. Then, if you’re eveer visiting friends and they say “oh, you must see the slides of our visit to the glue factory!”, you can pre-empt them with “Yes! And then I can shoe you the slides of my ass!”
If any of your friends say “Cool!”, I’d really like to go out for a beer with them. My kind of people!

You know, John, I’m not sure there is anything identifying me as the owner of this particular asshole. So I think I’m safe unless they stick a photo of me along with a newspaper next to the picture, that is!

Sadly the good drugs were only for the procedure. The ones I’ll be taking make my mouth taste like I’ve been licking my shoe. Yuck. C’est la vie.

Well, the drug I’ll be taking makes it taste so incredibly vile that I’m not sure it would be worse if I were a contortionist. But I don’t know if the flavor would be the same. And that’s a good thing!