I’d like to note that there are times when you probably should take a piss sitting down. To avoid embarrassment or the unnecessary soaking of strange things some women might keep near their toilets including, but not necessarily including, their toiletries.

Sit down to pee after sex. This is a fairly good idea if you are pissing in her toilet, but you might consider doing it even if it is your toilet. Split-stream’s a bitch and one night while considerably enamored with a young lady and a few minutes after performing many dirty deeds, I went to relieve myself. She had a bunch of scrunchies in a bucket between the toilet and the bathtub. Sans glasses and the ability to piss straight, I mightily soaked most of the scrunchies. I felt really bad about this until I tried to return to bed, only to discover the young lady had stolen all the bed sheets and left me to sleep in a rather cold but still quite damp spot on the bed.

Sit down to pee when you are intoxicated. I’m taking a rather loose definition of intoxicated and moving it far away from booze to included drugs of many different sorts. I have, in the past, gone to take a piss and then forgot that I was urinating. I’ll repeat that. Once while high on some delectable fecal fungus, I realized somewhere along the line that I had to go to the bathroom. I remember unzipping my fly, letting my bladder go, and then becoming fascinated with the spackle on the ceiling. I might have been staring for a minute, but it seemed like a long time. I then turned to examine the spackle on the wall behind me, presumably to see whether it too was shifting slightly about.

I’m not suggesting that as a red-blooded male you should always sit down to pee. I suggest you urinate standing up for the most part. In fact, to assert your male dominance, you should probably use your ability to pee on things. Signs, trees, walls, small cats, not so small cats… If you want to be really manly you can even do what I call “The Spartan Piss”.

Remove your pants. Lift up the seat and the lid. Place one foot firmly on the floor and the other firmly on top of the toilet’s tank. Place your arms akimbo. Urinate.

Optional: Scream at the top of your lungs.

Update (Feb 19, 2010): This writeup was written in response to a now gone GentlmanJim/WhiskeyDaemon writeup.