When surprising things lean upon us

Peter FitzSimons

The scene is set at a coffee shop in Redfern, the morning after the budget. A reader, Niall d’Christopher, is grabbing his morning coffee and asks the barista, “So what did you get out of the budget last night?”

Barista: “Well at least I know why the Prime Minister lives in a Canberra Police Barracks!”

NOT SO GRUBBY

Look, I don’t know if Christopher Pyne did, or did not, drop the C-bomb on Bill Shorten in Parliament on Wednesday afternoon, but I loved the yarn detailed by Fairfax Media’s Megan Levy on that subject. Repeating Pyne’s claim that he actually called Shorten “a grub,” and not a “c--t”, Levy pointed out that even the use of that word was enough to get Julia Gillard in trouble in 2006, when as Shadow Health Minister, she called Tony Abbott a “snivelling grub”.

Called upon by the Speaker to withdraw the comment, Ms Gillard replied, “If I have offended grubs, I withdraw unconditionally . . .” and was suspended for 24 hours for her trouble.

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Still, I’ll say this for Pyne – who I had a long chat to in the Qantas Lounge in Adelaide last week – the man in person is entirely unlike his public persona.

QUIZ

With thanks to a reader, try these two quick quizzes. Answers below.

1. Name three consecutive days without using the words Wednesday, Friday, or Sunday?

2. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious as to just how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it. It looks so ordinary and plain that you would think nothing was wrong with it. It is highly unusual though. Study it and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out. Try to do so without any coaching!

DEVIL IN THE DETAIL

Gawd, I love this, said in a public forum this week:

“Once you hear a Satanic growl, you never forget it. It’s like smelling Margherita pizza for the first time. It’s something you never forget.”

The speaker was Father Cesar Truqui who is – and I am not making this up, not, not, NOT – an “exorcist,” relating a recent experience.

“Two lesbians,” he recounted, were sitting behind him on a plane, when he suddenly felt the presence of ... <> What could he do? Of course, he tried to make Satan keep back, by the power of prayer. Well, this just made Satan mad. And, through him, one of the lesbians began growling demonically and throwing chocolates at his head. (A sure sign of possession by Satan, in my experience.) Father Truqui was addressing the ninth and largest Vatican-sanctioned convention on exorcism, attended by almost 200 delegates from around the world. According to a bishop quoted in the Washington Post, “Pope Francis never stops talking about the Devil; it’s constant.” Oh, stop it. It is no more ludicrous than the notion of a virgin giving birth, a dead man rising again, and that a celibate man with a funny hat, who lives in Rome, should be the last word on how people and families around the world should live their lives.

THEY SAID IT...

“It just fell out of the sky. Yes, it was a surprise.”

- Sheila Riordan about the plane that landed in her front garden in Lawson in the Blue Mountains last week.

“This night is dedicated to everyone who believes in a future of peace and freedom. We are a unity and we are unstoppable.”

- Russian national politician Vladimir Zhirinovsky, a bit put out because someone not straight won the Eurovision Song Contest.

“I had no knowledge whatsoever of any funding irregularities in my [2011] campaign. However, it appears that it is highly likely that prohibited donors did contribute in some way to my election campaign. I am extremely angry.”

- Newcastle MP Tim Owen, who knew “nussink” but has promised not to stand for re-election in 2015.

“Is it liberating for a politician to decide election promises don’t matter?”

- Sarah Ferguson on the ABC to Treasurer Joe Hockey on budget night.

“I don’t accept that question. The biggest, most significant promise we made was to fix the budget and strengthen the Australian economy, and we will.”

- Joe Hockey in reply.

“We didn’t get everything right.”

- Malaysia’s prime minister Najib Razak on the search for MH370.

“We’re a nation of lifters, not leaners . . .”

- Joe Hockey, nearing the conclusion of his budget speech last Tuesday night. Believe it or not, 30 years or so ago, Joe used to lift your humble correspondent in the lineout, while accusing me of only leaning in the scrum!

“The headless body was found face down . . .”

- A famed line of legendary crime reporter Harry Potter, recalled on his death this week.

“It wasn’t even an interview, it was trying to do a public lynching for ratings. It was honestly the lowest form of journalism I’ve ever seen. I think that every person in Australia should boycott 60 Minutes.’’

- Leila McKinnon with the last word on her husband, David Gyngell, and his blue with James Packer.

“I wrote this song after somebody broke my heart, and I just wanted to say 'f--k you'. I wanted to write a No 1 hit, something that would be on the radio. I wanted to make sure every time he turned on his radio, he would hear my song and will keep hearing it for the rest of his life.”

- Miley Cyrus on her hit song, Wrecking Ball.

QUIZ ANSWERS

1. Yesterday, today, and tomorrow!

2. The letter ‘e,’ which is the most common letter used in the English language, does not appear even once in the paragraph.