The Workings of a Truly Random Mind

Summary:
It's Twilight, Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, Monty Python, and various other random things that have absolutely nothing to do with vampires all rolled into one. (Spiderman may make an appearance) I own absolutely none of the characters or anything else- they are the property of their respective owners.

4. Excalitong

The mountain path that Edward, Marvin and Bella were walking on was slowly becoming more and more treacherous. This meant that Bella fell down. A lot.

"That's it!," exclaimed Edward as Bella did a skillful face plant that managed to hurt her pancreas at the same time. How anyone knew that Bella had hurt her pancreas is beyond the likes of a simple narrator such as me, "I am going to carry you whether you want to be carried or not."

Edward then uncharacteristically picked Bella up like a sack of potatoes. She tried to hit him in the back but only managed to hurt her knuckles. Marvin now had a new thing to complain about.

"Oh sure, the clumsy girl gets to be carried but who cares about the robot with an incredibly heavy head? No one bothers to carry me," Marvin muttered darkly to himself clearly unaware that Edward had heightened hearing due to his being a vampire.

Edward who was sick of Marvin's complaining grabbed his arm and lifted him up, making sure Marvin was as uncomfortable as possible.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING!" screamed Marvin.

"Don't you want to be carried?" asked Edward innocently, a grin crossing his face.

"Exactly I want to be carried not attacked! If you don't mind I would appreciate it if you would put me down before my arm is ripped out of its socket." Edward put Marvin down grinning Bella's favourite crocked grin. Marvin was massaging his shoulder as well as he could with his extremely dexterously challenged hands. Marvin marched on silently after that but Bella and Edward could tell he was fuming.

They came to a fork in the road. Literally, there was a shiny silver fork sticking up from the ground. Bella impulsively jumped off of Edward's back and decided to try to pull the fork from the ground. Bella fell over when the fork didn't budge. Nothing else happened however which was unusual, generally when people did things like that it was a trap and it caused something strange to happen. Edward then decided he should try. He didn't see why exactly he was trying to take the fork from the road or why it would be important. Must be that annoying omniscient narrator trying control me, he thought. He too could not remove the fork from the ground.

Then Marvin tried. As soon as he touched the fork bird started to sing which was strange considering they were in the middle of a remote mountain path. He took the fork out of the road and a halo of light descended upon him. A whole bunch of giant forks suddenly appeared, noticing the light. They then began to kneel before Marvin as best as a fork can kneel, looking at his shiny robotic form with wonder.

"The holy warrior king hath cometh! He hath pulled the sacred Excalitong from the holy mountain path!" even though they were forks they still spoke in a more Shakespearian tongue.

"If this path is holy then why is it so unmaintained? And what about that Arthur kid," asked Edward, who was clearly disturbed by the thought of Marvin being the king of England even if he were only the king of silverware.

"None of us mere common forks dare tread upon this path that is sacred, let alone change the course that our holy lord hath planned for it. Who is this Arthur of which thou speak? Is he the idiot boy with the shiny sword?" asked the one fork who had clearly decided that it should be the leader.

Marvin took this as his opportunity to get out of his predicament. He didn't want to have to command a legion of imbecile forks. He knew that it would get very tiresome eventually. He tried to put as much majesty in his mechanical voice as he could manage as he said,

"I am not your true king! The boy is the rightful king of England, of both man and silverware. It is my destiny to tell you this and it is why I have pulled the holy fork from the ground. If you respect me as your king then my order to you is to follow the wishes of King Arthur, the true holy warrior."

The lead fork then responded, "Very well, if that is what you wish my king, however if ever you are in need of us, you need only say the rhyme ‘Forkity, Porkity, I need some assistance.''

"All right we shall be going now," said Marvin who was very relieved to not have to be the king of forks.

Marvin, Bella and Edward continued to walk up the mountain path which was now a little less treacherous. Edward had decided that Bella could walk on her own again even though she fell about once every ten minutes. Then they came across something else in the middle of the road; a rubber chicken.

"Jeez, whoever is writing this story isn't very creative; we've found something in the middle of the road twice this chapter. Doesn't she realize that we can find things in other places, like up a tree for instance? I bet this chicken will make us the king or queen of the chickens, or if we're lucky, the king or queen rubber chickens. Rubber chickens can't be that difficult to command I mean they're made of rubber, "Bella said with obvious annoyance. Despite what Bella may have wanted to do, she went to pick up the rubber chicken because that is what this story says she did and she cannot fight against the mighty omniscient narrator no matter how annoying it may be.

As soon as Bella had picked up the rubber chicken, they heard noises coming out of the cave that was to their right. Not wanting to take any chances, Edward picked up Bella and Marvin and began to run. Soon they were far away still clutching the yellow rubber chicken.