All posts by dancingwithenvelopes

I'm just a fellow human being, who happens to have found myself living on planet Earth, with a body and soul, and a brain filled with lots of stories to be told, to any other fellow creatures who want to listen, i'm here to share.
I'd like to say i'm here to cherish the Earth, and sing for all those good things which are wild and free.
I like sharing stories and ideas about gardening, growing food and vegetables.
I have a tendency to delve into snippets of conscious thought, too. Mind, health, art, philosophy, mental health and attempts at being creative in a world which needs more ideas, less waste.
I think we can all contribute seeds to the soil of our gorgeous planet. Grow trees, flowers and food. I think seeds can also come in the form of ideas, visual, written, spoken, or planted literally in the ground. Thoughts are also seeds which can become trees.
Footprints and fingertips- friendship, free speech, songs and community spirit. That's basically what i'm all about.

Writing this post has taken me a great deal of courage. However, as does every day require courage, every hour that I continue to walk this path, towards recovery. Thus, if ‘practice makes perfect’, I have reasoned with myself, that it is okay, and probably a good thing, to write with courage, too.

This is a reflective post, speaking of recognition, sadness, determination, and hope. The metaphorical style helped me to communicate something through words, which I still don’t fully understand myself. Hope whispers to me, that someday I will, and therefore will find myself better equipped to win this battle.

There is a ‘demon’ inside my brain, and it has managed to gain near total command. This demon manifests itself as addiction.

It entered my life, disguised in a mask, performing the role of a ‘friend’, and in the beginning, it played the trick of being helpful. This masked stranger quenched my thirst, my aching, for a temporary release, from all the anguish of what was going on around me, to me, and to others as well.

I know that I need to reclaim my own mind, and wrench back control from the demon. Take back the reigns, upon realising they are no longer in my grasp.

Fear and despair warn me, this demon is going to hurt me, particularly as I begin to fight back. It will scream, kick, and shout at me. All of its might will be thrust forward, in the demon’s attempt to survive.

Clenching, tough onto these reigns, desperate to persist in dominating my head space, leaking poison into my mind and my will, the demon is adamant it shall not relinquish, never let go of the throbbing life source which sustains it. That ‘life source’ being the ‘treasure’, which it found, lurking within the deep waters of my psyche.

The Demon’s treasure chest exists not, as one might expect, in the form of a breakable crate, dripping with Gold, jewels, wealth, prize or happiness. Rather, it is the antithesis of such a positive, glowing beacon. There lies no victory to behold, here, for any good willed explorer.

‘Treasure’ for this demon, was/is in fact the lack of it. It emerged as emptiness, a hollowed out crate, where once harboured self-belief, ambition, hope, faith, volition and will.

When the world around me came to blows, seemed to strip away all I knew about myself, all that comprised my identity, almost everything I held so dear and close. Like a tsunami which washed away my happiness, stole the love of my life, swept away my love for life, crippled my career, and bleached out my livelihood, came the breakdown of my mind. In the aftermath, I felt that all I had left was a tired and tested, faltering soul.

When followed, that violent sexual assault, the breaking of a trust I had so desperately believed in, through dark, vulnerable hours, my soul seemed all but smothered, leaving an empty shell of self, all the light flicked out.

That empty shell is what the demon treasures, the hollow cave, where once sparked my soul- this diminished esteem is what grants the demon it’s dreadful power, power to remain captain of a ghostly vessel. Steering my ship beneath its own sails, towards ever blackening darkness, a watery grave.

And yet my soul remains, as do my sails, and all the fire within me could never be smothered. The demon knows this, and this truth frightens it’s core. Hence it’s rampage. Fearing the fateful inevitable: That once again my soul and my mind will sail the ship. The opportunistc demon shall lie, defeated. Not merely inhibited, completely extinguished.

Sometimes the waters are unpredictable
We sail our ships into waves upon seas,
We once thought, we were the masters of.

The desolate tides, whose previous reckonings, came only to us through our worst imagined fears, nightmares, narrow escapes. Then, swept under the waves, thrusting towards treacherous whirlpools… We sank, we sank, we submerged.

We survived, below the surface, the only way we knew how. Not by reason, nor desire, but sheer necessity. Necessity and fear.

Courage saves us. Courage gives us the strength to conquer the tides-the waves of fear and despair- and reminds us of an innate gift, perhaps forgotten. The truth lies behind this mental fog, the fog which can turn anxiety, depression, compulsion, addiction, delusion, disorder, and painful self-doubt, into a living entity.

Remember this truth, that we have the power, and possess the will, to swim for the shores, and walk forwards from there.

Take Cabbage. People tend to associate Cabbage with a ‘boring’ food. Just look at it growing in a new light though, and the rich purple contrasts against green in the most vibrant way.

Thankfully, Spring is here. Admittedly, it’s been a turbulent one so far, with its surprise snow, and determined angstsy rainstorms. But when is life not like that!? Welcome the storms of ice, rain, sunshine, sand and rainbow…

That might come as a shock to many people and quite frankly it comes as a shock to me too. Especially given the endless stream of nonsense that emanates from that orange blob. It is true though, he is not stupid. Even after he came out today, in the wake of yet another mass shooting, to determine that guns are in no way relevant after a man killed 26* men, women and children… with a gun. But the gun wasn’t relevant so we don’t need to talk about it. By the way, 26 dead makes it the deadliest shooting in Texan history, which comes only weeks after the deadliest shooting in US history. That wasn’t the time to talk about guns either, apparently. If you are keeping score though that brings the mass shooting tally to 307 mass shootings in 309 days.

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So, I have realised today, that it’s about time I started digging again. Digging properly, digging for me, and for the sake of future flowers/food.

I also need to begin writing again. Writing properly. Writing for me, and for any others who are interested, or happen to relate to any of the issues I find myself blogging about, over the months.

Months, in the past tense, being felt by their very own- memory hoarding piece of Neurological equipment, if you like- as though having passed, in the way of being ‘lost at sea’, and totally at the mercy of the waves.

See when I try to remember, in any kind of meaningful, contingent or chronological manner, the streetlight like glow, of the traumatic events which turned last year into a living nightmare for me, it isn’t exactly a straightforward process.

Perhaps with more time (admittedly, time truly can prove to be a fairly decent Nurse), those memories will begin to feel less raw. Then, perhaps, they could manage to form some kind of structure. Such as a pattern of rocks, washed up on a beach.

Until then, it would appear, my life and the words which seem to need writing, will have to crack on. In a positive, and productive way. So, let’s begin with the latest Dig for Victory style project!

Over March, and now that the so called ‘beast from the east’ and other snow related weather events, are seemingly hushed for now, I intend to try my luck at creating as much ‘garden’ and growing space, as possible, using only a very limited space, which is technically just a balcony.

I will have to think of inventive ways, to build what should look, feel, and hopefully, function as, a small garden, upon something which feels more like a windowsill, than an allotment, let’s face it.

Watch this space, I therefore add!

For there will be pictures of an on-going process, which hopefully can succeed, in turning a canvas of predominantly, grey emptiness, into a vibrant and green honey bee’s playground (sorry neighbours… Bees were here first, and the honey they make is well worth having to see more of them ‘buzzing around’).

Someone who has been helping me to recover from a fairly horrendous event, showed me a video, which addresses the issue of ‘Consent’, in the realm of Sex.

It’s important, but not all of us like talking about it. We don’t necessarily mind talking about sex, or tea, for that matter, when it is good. It depends who you’re with, even just when it comes to talking about it, right?

The thing is, it turns out that sadly, there do exist some individuals in the world, who need some assistance with coming to understand, what ‘Consent’ is. What is ‘yes’, what is ‘no’. The person who shared this with me, explained how she felt it was a really important video for younger people to be able to watch, too, for educational purposes. I agree. It doesn’t matter who you are, where you came from, this issue of what constitutes ‘Consent’, matters. Saying this, actually, I will say that the video applies really, to ‘adults’, or legal age of above 16, according to UK law, who are deemed to be capable of making decisions. But I still say the video applies to all, because while legal issues surrounding consent do take on additional force, for those dealing with ‘Consent’ who are under a certain age, the matter at hand- Do you want to engage in this activity with me, or not- remains the same.

This may not be a totally uplifting post, but it is a necessary one, I think!

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Take a look at this article I stumbled across, written by a fellow blogger…

It truly just explains a hell of a lot, it tells a story, offers a chance for a reader to step inside the shoes of another, a whole different world in a way, yet still so very real, and of this world today!

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Okay, so I know that technically, it is still January.

There is indeed, still a chance of frost, a pretty big chance of it, at that. It’s still cold, it’s still dark for too many hours, and no, I guess the plants and flowers-to-be, aren’t exactly aching or burning with intense desire, to poke their head out from under the soil, embrace the frosty daylight, and scream with passion:

Look! There’s the sun, that’s what the humans look out for to validate their ‘bikini weather, is it not!? Why can’t I behave like a true Brit for once, and get brave to bare all?”

No, I have seen enough of reality now, to understand that this is never going to happen, despite how much I wish I could hurry along the months, to get to the point when the Earth is ready to be tilled, the plant pots filled with new compost, and the seeds safely sprinkled.

However…

There are things we can do, there is hope yet, for those who crave freshly sprouting seedlings, the first hints of glorious Green, that reminder that Spring is on it’s way, maybe not now, but soon!

So, fellow gardeners, don’t despair! Here is a list for those who cannot wait, like myself, which I have conjured up, to share with anyone interested…

Garden/allotment Jobs for January, or at least February:

Sow indoors (e.g. windowsill) or in a greenhouse:

1) Begonia – These are slower to flower from seed, so getting a good head start by sowing seeds indoors, at this early stage of January/February, isn’t a bad idea for those who love a beautiful Begonia.

Begonias will eventually flower come July- October and November even!

Begonia- beginning to flower- photo taken July 2017

2) Sweet Peas– Sow in a glass house/greenhouse, or cool place indoors (i.e. next to a windowsill)

Cabbage growing in my old bathtub turned flower bed- photo taken in October 2017

4) Leeks– Start sowing these now, under cover. They need a long growing season, so starting early, provided they are protected under cover, is a good plan.

5) Broad Beans– Providing the risk of frost isn’t too great, you can start sowing the hardier varieties of Broad Beans, directly outdoors, into the soil.

6) Raspberry canes and blackberries– Check first that the soil isn’t waterlogged or frozen. You’re good to start planting Raspberry canes and other fruit bushes like Gooseberries, outdoors!

7) Dahlias– You can sow these beautiful flowers-to-be indoors, now. Generally it’s best if they’re left to germinate at a temperature around 15 degrees C- 20 degrees C.

Dahlias will eventually flower from July up to October!

Happy Red Dahlia flowering- photo taken in August 2017

8) Snowdrops– Now is a great time to establish new colonies of Snowdrops, those well known, iconic and heavily reassuring, first flowers to often appear, during those testing post-Christmas, post- Winter Solstice weeks. If possible, it might be a good idea to go out and buy Snowdrops which are already flowering (from local garden centre, markets and some supermarkets such as Morrisons), because then of course you get the head start, and can personally select those which you feel are already looking healthy, pretty and encouraging!

9)Tulips– These bulbs which will come to life in Spring, can delightfully be planted now, even in January. In fact it’s best to plant Spring bulbs such as these, as early on as possible, because (wonderfully), Spring will arrive before we know it!

Tulips show themselves in their upcycled, quirky growing locations- An upcycled toilet, and a pair of old boots!

So, what are you waiting for? Can’t wait for compost? Neither can I!

Hopefully, I have been able to inspire readers, with some confidence, and remind fellow lovers of plant companionship, that the (seemingly) endless Winter desolation we have all been contending with recently. It’s time to reawaken some eagerly anticipated colour in our lives!

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Of course

I was once someone, happy, and intrigued…

This, above….

used to be me.

However,

For some strange and ridiculous reason, I was stupid enough to try working for the NHS.

I was stupid enough to think that someone, who was a Staff Nurse, within the NHS Trust I worked for, on the same ward I worked on, was ‘trustworthy’, and didn’t realise his manipulation techniques, and sinister motives, before it was too late. I thought, that night, when I rushed over to go and see him where he lives, that he was genuinely in need of support and help, since he had phoned me in a state of distress, threatening to end his own life, and/or start burning things and people, or himself, if I didn’t come round to see him within the ‘next 30 minutes’. He gave me directions, and like a fool, I followed them, to his location. There, he raped me.

FYI- He is thankfully no longer able to work as a nurse, due to the charges brought against him by the police, who I was able to bring myself to report the crime to, once i’d managed to get away from there, driving as helplessly, frantically and desperately away, as I could manage.

That’s enough for me to say for now. I’m still waiting for some of the counselling I desperately need, to help me come to terms with this ordeal, which happened in July 2017.