2.09.2009

I said it was coming! As one who has attended many, many weddings, I would like to offer some advice on how to make your wedding a classy affair that will be remembered fondly, reverently even, by all whose lives it touched. (Note: if you feel that I may be disparaging something you did at your wedding, I'm not. I'm thinking of somebody else's wedding, and you don't even know that person.)

Here we go.

First of all, you must have a reception. Do not even consider doing otherwise. Some may try to tell you that they didn't have one and that it cut out a lot of stress and money and planning and everyone enjoyed the day a lot better and maybe they were able to throw a very nice dinner or luncheon for their family and closest friends instead of serving Sprite and mixed nuts to a blur of 500 people, blah blah blah. Don't listen to them. They are the same kind of people who don't show off their rings in their engagement photos. Clearly they cannot be trusted. Plus, everyone knows you only get presents if you throw a reception.

Anxious about your wedding budget? Remember the key equation here: Family + friends + friends of friends = free labor. You CAN have it all and make your $5K budget produce the $20K look that your richie friends have. All it will take is a bit of elbow grease from other people who are not you. And hey, if you need pictures of your mom you can always send the photographer(s) out to the kitchen or loading dock. Snag guests to help clean up afterward into the wee hours. They won't mind, you did just feed them cake.

Another tip: Call up people you know who work in the wedding biz (like florists, caterers, photographers, graphic designers) and give them the opportunity to perform their services for you for FREE. This way, you are giving them the chance to perform service, which is a service on your part. Don't cheapen it (and deny them blessings) by mentioning money. If they do agree to be blessed, make sure you let them know afterward if they don't meet your expectations. You're just trying to help them be better.

Engagement photos: Show that ring, ladies. If you'll be paying it off for the next 6 years then everyone had dang well better get a look! Also? Piggybacks. I think an engagement photo looks nothing without one party straddling the other. And really, isn't that what an engagement is all about?

If you do not put your registry information in the announcement itself, you will not get any presents. Also you know it's correct etiquette because that's where the people at Wal-Mart toldyou it goes.

Best wedding slideshow video song choice ever: Wonderlandby John Mayer. Cannot go wrong. Also, put as many sleeveless photos of yourself in there as you possibly can, so those tops have one last shot at glory before you give them to your little sister.

Bridesmaids: you must have them. No one is going to take on the huge responsibility of watching the sign-in table unless they get to be a bridesmaid. Also be sure to pick outfits that they will never, ever wear again, because you want your friends to remember YOUR DAY ONLY when they see them hanging in the closet. Or when they take them to their therapists' office.

And speaking of, you know how the one tragedy about getting married in the temple is that you're not supposed to wear the sleeveless/strapless wedding dress you've been slavering over in bridal magazines ever since you were 9 years old? Yeah well, the next best thing = mandated strapless dresses for your LDS bridesmaids! They will thank you because secretly they are tired of sleeves also. And remember, you can't show your shoulders but you can show your boobs! Wedding day cleavage is awesome, and the tuck-and-pin is your friend here, ladies. Just blank out whatever they tell you in the temple and you'll be good.

If you are going to do something unique and different (shoes, dress, accessories, decorations), make sure it's the unique thing that everyone else is doing that year. It's safest that way, and you still get points for individuality.

To keep your breath fresh for all the hugging and greetings, have gum in your mouth all day long, including during the ceremony. Hey, you're just being considerate.

After the temple ceremony, hold a ring ceremony. The secret good thing about this is that you can say it's for the family members who didn't get to go inside the temple, but really it's your chance to hold the barefoot-on-the-beach-at-sunset-with-tiki-torches-lining-the aisle wedding you've always really wanted. (Aaaaaand Win-WIN.)

So that you can get the honeymoon started ASAP (like if there was no time in the car on the way over), book your reception for early in the evening--say 5 or 6pm. Don't serve dinner, though, because dinner is pricey. People who show up at 5pm expecting something substantial are just Out to Bleed You Dry and probably shouldn't have been invited in the first place. Also be sure the caterers won't charge you for additional slices in case those piggies go back for more.

The receiving line is pretty much the best thing ever, and the way you know you are popular and loved is if the line stretches outside the building for hours. Best of all is if some guests never even make it inside. To facilitate this, cram your side of the line with absolutely everyone you can think of--parents, brothers, sisters, family pets, you name it. Everyone loves a good line. They'll get to meet loads of people and have great conversations with all of them!

If your beloved brother or sister is on a mission or at a home for unwed mothers or is maybe just going through a gawky phase, cardboard cutouts with their faces superimposed are awesome stand-ins. The life-sized George W. Bush cutouts work well not only because he is already in a suit but also because his image will bring a special spirit. You can even put the cutouts in the receiving line when you need to spell some whiner who passes out after 3 hours. Or just keep them there from the get-go.

You must have a garter toss. Must, must, must. Extra points if the groom goes for it with his teeth. Always classy, never @$$y. ALSO you must demand that all the single women get up to fight over your bouquet. Make sure to maybe point at a few of the women who especially could use it, like the over-30s or recently divorced, because that will make them feel special.

Have a chocolate fountain. Not only will the children in the crowd use the chocolate for artistic purposes, mostly for improving their own clothing and the clothing of those around them, but it's almost mesmerizing to watch the cascading streaks of oil they use to keep the chocolate smooth. Shiny . . .

Best timesaver ever: Leave generic thank-you notes for people to pick up on the way out. With thank-yous out of the way, that's hours you can dedicate to canoodling and watching your wedding video again some more.

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comments:

It seems you have forgotten to mention decorating the basketball hoops with fake flowers. However, if you're really resourceful- just grab two matching bed sheets at the local DI and wrap those eyesores with someone else's discarded cootie rag...

My mother is super easy going, but when my brother-in-law said he wanted the invitations to be printed with "Please send checks instead of gifts," my mom did play the "I am paying for these announcements and they will not say that" card. Bless her.

We did have a receiving line because my dad really really really wanted one. And you know, I can be easy going too.

The chocolate fountain makes me want to gag. DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY SMALL CHILDREN HAVE PUT THEIR LICKED FINGERS IN THERE?!?!?!?

It's critical that you not spend any money to rent a venue that might already be decorated, thus forcing your parents to pay for absolutely EVERYTHING to decorate the gym, I mean, cultural hall. Of course, you could be cheap like my cousins and just borrow everything from some poor sucker who bought.

Make sure that you hand pick special outfits for anyone pregnant coming to your wedding so they feel special and included and match your wedding, because every distant relative should coordinate with your wedding colors, especially the uncomfortable pregnant ones. It will make them less of an eye sore.

Pfft. Piggybacks. I remember being a waitress for my friend's brother's reception. Um. Wow. It had almost everything, her invites had her showing off the ring, she had a chocolate fountain, AND people stood in line for the whole reception pretty much. Some people kept talking on, and on, and on......

i think i want to see your engagement ring now. anyhoo, thanks for reminding me yet again why i actually don't mind living next to mostly mormons - (really, removed with his teeth???!!!) i will say that i'm actually ok for pimping up the ring ceremony when say both sets of your grandparents, two aunts and uncles and closest friend from high school fly over a thousand miles to be at your wedding - not that i did this - my ring ceremony was pretty simple - but my brother did and it was nice for all the extra family there who couldn't be a part of the temple. (i said pimping up, but his was classy).

How about piggy-packing while walking through a creek? I don't get that one. (I don't want to see bare feet in an engagement pic) Or the montage of photos on the announcement either because you couldn't decide between the many, many photos you wanted to grace your invitation or you want everyone else to see how cute you two are.

We did a couple of the things you mentioned (line & tosses). Overall it was basically because I didn't want a wedding, I wanted to be married, so I just let my mother plan it- and I do mean let. She was thrilled.

When we were getting our engagement pics (up at second dam while wearing dress coats), we saw a couple doing the same. It was freezing cold, they were in Aggie t-shirts, AND, AND... the bride was holding the groom in her arms. Aren't they fun-loving!

As for the line, I do have to say that I've been to some weddings where there wasn't a line and most people didn't know what to do and started forming one. It was like a bad communist joke. So I can see why you'd have one because Mormons don't know what to do at a wedding without one.

Hahahaha! Definitely make sure that instead of flowers for table decorations, put up framed pictures of yourself in the middle of the table, with the photos preferably taken at the Joseph Smith Memorial Building. Also, chocolate fountains give me the wiggins.

Great post. I hope you don't mind if I use this post as a forum for a question of mine. I'm getting married and sincerely hope to avoid ALL of these things you have mentioned. One thing I can't quite figure out: where DO I let people know where we're registered? It's definitely not going on the invitation. But what about an insert mailed with the invitation. Is that tacky, too? Anyone have any classy ideas?

Jenn- You wait for the guest to contact you or a family member asking where you are registered. Some people put them in their shower invitations but that is on the tacky side of things. Putting them in your wedding invitations is the ultimate faux pas

Jenn, word gets out, so you really don't need to worry about it. Also people know to just go look your name up at target.com or Bed Bath & Beyond. If people want to know where you're registered, they can find out really easily.

Mentioning your registry spots in shower invitations is fine, I think, because the point of a shower is the presents. The point of a WEDDING is not. Hope that helps, and that your wedding is wonderful!

Oh my gosh, I didn't even mention cakes. You know bigger is better, and Precious Moments figurines are BEST.

Janssen, bless your mother indeed. And YEAH SERIOUSLY on the fountain. Maybe if you knew it was just going to be grownups. Except have you SEEN the oil? That was when my love affair with the fountain died a sad, whimpering death.

Mrs. Hass-Bark, I say kudos to your cousins.

Jenny, I think a good thing to do would be to have big ol' bullseyes printed on the pregger tops.

Lola, yeah. I just can't handle a line. I usually cheat and dart in to wish the bride well and then dart back out and head over to the food, while gloating at the chumps who are still standing there.

Goddessdivine, yeah. Because piggybacking across a creek is always the safest way to do it. I actually almost got Lola and I both killed on time doing that during a camping trip when I lost my balance.

Yeah, we got rid of most of this crap-ola too. I think it is important to point out that if it is raining every day the week before your OUTDOOR reception, and rain is forecast for the day of, the morning of the reception is NOT a good time to make the call to move in doors. Stop praying for a miracle, suck it up, and know that you really always wanted the un-decorated basketball hoop in the background of all the indoor shots. On the upside, that overcast swirling sky looks awesome in the pictures, just get your shots in between wind gusts that send your 20 foot veil over your head, around your lover's face and into the damp bushes.

Hmm...I wonder if this is a Utah thing. I haven't seen any chocolate fountains nor have I seen the bridesmaids wearing sleeveless dresses. I haven't even seen a reception line in at least 10 years. And even though there aren't that many Mormons around here and there are usually a good number of family members and friends that don't go the temple, I have never seen a ring ceremony.

We avoided a lot of this stuff by having a luau with a dinner first and then a show with entertainment (several of my SILs are semi-professional dancers). Even though we put the dinner time on the invitations, and told family members the drill, people still showed up late for the reception. A few of my relatives were even late because they had stopped at Olive Garden for dinner on the way to the reception! (I still love them) The only thing that made me sad was that no one wanted to stay for dancing at the end of the reception. I guess having to spend 2 hours at a dinner and show was too much time for them...

(This makes it sound like my reception was terrible, but the truth is I really liked it. The main problem was seeing our Wasatch Front-trained family and friends figure out how to deal with something different from the norm) And I did have a relative who sent her wedding announcements out with her high school graduation ones...

I am happy to say I didn't do ANY of these things. After 2 weeks of engagement we did a spur of the moment backyard ceremony. Since my husband's baptism was already scheduled for the next week we decided we didn't want to have to wait on the temple ceremony any longer than necessary so we just up and got married. I will admit to wearing a strapless dress-- $20 sundress though, not fancy-pants wedding dress.

Also, be sure to enlist a second group of fellow ward members who are not close enough to be invited guests at the wedding but are apparently close enough to be recruited as slave labor waitstaff for 5 hours. Who says you can't have a fancy sit-down dinner without paying for it?

About the cake...yes, bigger is better, especially when you can save some money by getting one of those "fake" cakes (cardboard covered in frosting with one layer of real cake for cutting purposes) and then you serve the guests Costco sheet cake.

I'd like to think that any bridesmaid wearing a sleeveless dress obviously agreed to it at some point...so then what's the big deal? She could've said no if it was important to her. Not everybody is Mormon yknow, and I would never call your dress w/sleeves tacky.

Peanut, I'm sorry if I gave the impression that I judge ALL sleevelessness, because I certainly don't. The people I'm judging are the bridges who are getting married in the temple (and therefore have committed themselves to certain principles of modesty) who then turn around and suggest that their fellow Mormons (also theoretically committed) wear things that go against those principles. It's like they're saying, "Well, I can't do it anymore but I think it looks cute so YOU should do it." This particular judging has absolutely nothing to do with relative, friends, bridesmaids, etc. who do not hold the same religious standards of dress. (Unless, of course, they're wearing something that would be tacky at ANY wedding--like, say, a wedding gown when they're not the bride--in which case it's ON but for different reasons.)

I now know I failed to have a mormon wedding. My pet peeve- why are mormons incapable of RSVPing. We had a full buffet and band (that threw everyone for a loop- thank goodness for old non-mormon neighbors to start the dancing) and really needed RSVPs to plan food. About 1/3 of the people who showed up had RSPVed. I of course suspected this to be the case and had plenty of extra food.

Also if you use some ones labor pay them. And I can attest that people figure out where you are registered with out the tacky little cards. Other than the 2 gifts from the thrift store (a very large pink and gold vase and a set of pink shell srimp cocktail dishes- oh they were great!) all our gifts were from where we were registered. I take that back we also got 6 count them 6 salad spinners. Odd.

Instead of registering, why not just tuck a list of things you'd like to receive into the announcement and let your guests do their shopping wherever they choose?My parents received such a list in an invitation when I was a little girl. It left quite an impression on me. I'll always wonder if that bride got the "large tupperware" she wished for.

Ouch, Polly. It's good that you knew who you were dealing with (ie, people who have possibly never been to an RSVP reception before) and ordered enough food. And I love me a good salad spinner, but 6 does seem like a few too many.

Oooooh, you got to be part of that blessed experience too, Hass-Bark? I have not had the pleasure yet, but have plenty of friends who have--including one set who arrived as guests, offered to help out, and then were worked beyond all sense and reason for the next several hours. Grrrrr.

I think that most of us have at least one thing that we thought was not a big deal at the time, but now we realize wasn't such a terriffic idea. I used printed labels because NO ONE can read my handwriting. And I will take being a little tacky over having my invitations illegible or guilt-ing my sisters into doing it for me. Goodness knows I hated stamping envelopes for them.That being said - flip flops are NEVER an allowable mistake. One can never think they are classy. Comfortable, yes; great for the beach, yes. But not for a wedding. Especially one where you are the bride. My sister was married on a beach and even she did not wear flip flops. They tastefully went barefoot on the wet sand until the reception where they wore other comfortable yet lovely footwear.

I wore sneakers under my dress with blue cloud printed stockings, because no one would see it until the garter toss... which we tastefully did... no teeth! What do you think of that one? Seriously, you can be honest!!! I will still love you! Haha!

My reception rocked! I thought! My friend gave me DJ services for my reception, it was Christmas, so I decorated Christmassie! My mom wanted a line and I said no! We danced, we did all the traditional stuff but we did not wait until people had been sitting there 2-3 hours for a line to finish to get to them! 1/2 hour in we were cutting the cake. 10 min later first dance. 10 min later garter and boquet toss. Other than that people could go without feeling they missed anything, or they could stay and party... which most did! Apparently after we left people kareoked and danced forever!

But I did the whole "turn it over to my mom" thing. I told her not to use Gold in the decorations... which she still did because that is what my mom does... and she wanted a line which I nixed night of so I would not have to fight it and eventually give in. I wanted to just Elope to the Las Vegas temple... after getting permission...haha... in hind site I loved my reception and probably would have loved Eloping too! Either way... happy days!

Your best observation: be unique but make sure it's the "trendy unique" thing to be doing that year. Geeze! That one season, I was getting SO SICK of seeing temple brides get married and then add 10 different things IN RED (or some other perfect color for that season) to their dress: sash, shoes, jacket, etc.

And you totally forgot the whole music thing. You MUST have a DJ that plays Top 40 Hits! Forget the mood. I seriously went to a wedding where they played Eminem's "Slim Shady" at a reception in the cultural hall. Wow. It was epic.

And finally, the DECKED OUT getaway vehicle. Make sure it's nearly ruined with shaving cream and oreos and LOTS and LOTS of toilet paper. Include suggestive phrases and signs on all the windows. (Speaking of which, I also love when people you hardly know make seemingly innocent sex comments to you throughout the day. Leave it alone! We all know it's the first night.) However possible, you totally have to HUMILIATE the couple before/as they leave.

I know this is a little late, but I just thought this went along with the whole post. Someone mentioned having the tacky cakes that are fake except for the top tier. Well when my cousin got married her entire cake was fake...and she didn't even know!!!! So there they are, cutting into the cake, and they get stopped dead in their tracks, because they can't cut it. It is styrofoam! So they ended up having to take a piece off of one of the plates, and feed it to each other...wow! I will never forget that moment.

have you ever planned a wedding, or are you just single? because if you had you would understand that not everyone has a dream budget and some just DONT EVEN care, so thanks for exploiting all those that failed in meeting your needs because after all it was YOUR special day?!?!? wasnt it?

"forget what they tell you in the temple" wow? Really? I'm disgusted by this post. Wear as many sleveless dresses as possible before you can't anymore??? Do you realize the sacred covenants you make in the temple??! Shame on you. And shame on endowed women of the church who take lightly and mock God and the sacred nature of a temple wedding.

so sad when hiding behind a computer screen gives people the guts to say such hateful things. i just found your blog today, and must say-- i find your SATIRE hysterical. i'm sorry you have to deal with such dense readers, but please, don't change a thing.

and just because reading this post gave me a great sense of pride in my own wedding (just one year ago)... i must tell you-- i didn't do a single one of those things! no reception, no ring ceremony (and non of my family is LDS), no labor done by any family members, friends, or guests of any kind, no tacky registry notification, no bridesmaids, no garter toss, chocolate fountain, gum, receiving lines, etc, dinner didn't start until 7 p.m. and we were the last ones to leave.... well, you get the idea. oh, just to clarify, our budget was no greater than any of my friends' cultural hall receptions.

i like to think i would've done you, fellow new blogger friend, proud.

for most non-Mormons, the reception is a gift-grab (you were not invited to the wedding, but please come stand in a line for 2 hours to say congrats...PS don't forget to leave your gift and take a cookie on your way out!)

Sigh. My two pet peeves are the inclusion of registry information and the printed thank-you notes at the reception. Neither one are okay, at all! Weddings are expensive--get over it. There are some things you can't do without being tasteless. Remember that the pictures are the thing you will have forever, and get a good photographer. Rent a dress. Don't put anyone in anything immodest when you're getting married in the temple. Feed your friends if you want a mealtime reception.

While I agree with most of these, I think you're being a bit judgmental about the ring ceremony. My grandfather will be flying from Frankfurt to Salt Lake for my wedding. He isn't a member, and I'm his only grandchild. Other people have similar situations. So why are you passing judgment on us for holding something that the church handbook of instructions allows in order to include our family?

Molly, I don't know if you will see this response, but I was not trying to criticize people for having ring ceremonies--as you point out, there are many situations in which that is the best way to include family members and friends who cannot attend the temple ceremony. They can be beautiful, sacred occasions.

My snark is for those who ramp up the ring ceremony so much that it seems to become the "main event," and perhaps is not so much about including family members as it is about the bride getting to use all the ideas from MS Weddings that she couldn't use in the temple (plus photo documentation). I'm sorry if that didn't come across very well!