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Friday, June 28, 2013

I've always wanted to write a song dedicated to my boy but also my journey. The idea started when I met Kandi Burruss from the Real Housewives of Atlanta, my favorite housewife. I dreamed of having her co-write my song and produce it with me. I have encountered so many musicians since then and have wanted to make my vision of a song come to fruition.

I would like to chronicle the making of this song as I have just recently secured a solid lyric. Still don't know what I am doing. After losing Trey I suddenly gained a writing ability some have said but lyrics are new to me.

So here is what I have to start with:

"When you came into my life I carried you like I knew you, not enough to lose you."

Then there has to be something about his eyes.
Your eyes held the world, your soul holds my heart

We don't mourn the ones we have lost, we mourn the ones we love.None of us have a parking pass in this life so we have to keep moving.Your heart is where I go when I need strength.Our time together was short but it will live with me forever.

Thursday, June 27, 2013

I've always wanted to write a song dedicated to my boy but also my journey. The idea started when I met Kandi Burruss from the Real Housewives of Atlanta, my favorite housewife. I dreamed of having her co-write my song and produce it with me. I have encountered so many musicians since then and have wanted to make my vision of a song come to fruition.

I would like to chronicle the making of this song as I have just recently secured a solid lyric. Still don't know what I am doing. After losing Trey I suddenly gained a writing ability some have said but lyrics are new to me.

So here is what I have to start with:

"When you came into my life I carried you like I knew you, not enough to lose you."

Then there has to be something about his eyes.
The heart does not need a beat to love.We don't mourn the ones we have lost, we mourn the ones we love.None of us have a parking pass in this life so we have to keep moving.

I've always wanted to write a song dedicated to my boy but also my journey. The idea started when I met Kandi Burruss from the Real Housewives of Atlanta, my favorite housewife. I dreamed of having her co-write my song and produce it with me. I have encountered so many musicians since then and have wanted to make my vision of a song come to fruition.

I would like to chronicle the making of this song as I have just recently secured a solid lyric. Still don't know what I am doing. After losing Trey I suddenly gained a writing ability some have said but lyrics are new to me.

So here is what I have to start with:

"When you came into my life I carried you like I knew you, not enough to lose you."

Then there has to be something about his eyes.
The heart does not need a beat to love.We don't mourn the ones we have lost, we mourn the ones we love.None of us have a parking pass in this life so we have to keep moving.

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... I lost my Babie's today. People came to weep and cry, As I just sat and stared, dry eyed. They struggled to find words to say, To try and make the pain go away, I walked the floor in disbelief, I lost my babies's today.

I lost my Babie's last month. Most of the people went away, Some still call and some still stay. I wait to wake up from this dream. This can't be real. I want to scream. Yet everything is locked inside, God, help me, I want to die. I lost my Babie's last month.I lost my Babie's last year. Now people who had come, have gone. I sit and struggle all day long. To bear the pain so deep inside. And now my friends just question, Why? Why does this mother not move on? Just sits and sings the same old song. Good heavens, it has been so long. I lost my Babie's last year.

Time has not moved on for me. The numbness it has disappeared. My eyes have now cried many tears. I see the look upon your face, "She must move on and leave this place." Yet I am trapped right here in time, The songs the same, as is the rhyme, I lost my Babie's......Today.

i will always love my Babie's Chloe,Nevaeh & Naomi you will always live on in my heart

Friday, June 7, 2013

Today I paid a visit to my high school friends who have a 14 month old at the very hospital that Trey earned his wings. I had hoped to never be there again yet my husband I went there briefly to deliver the toiletries that we collected for the families who stay there with the kids. It was so hard back in April when we were there even to be in the waiting room but my calling was greater today.

My friends has a son in April of 2012 who was born with a heart problem. Most recently, they have been with him at the children's hospital for the better part of over half the year before he was flown to California to receive treatment and hopefully a liver surgery which was necessary for a heart surgery that would improve his quality of life. Due to further complications they had to return to the local children's hospital and remain in limbo as to what will happen short and long term.

I have been very hesitant about visiting them due to my experience and memories with Trey at that hospital. The staff there was more upfront about Trey's condition than the hospital he was born in and they treated all three of us with dignity and respect in our time of need. Hospitals always fill me with great anxiety but this particular hospital erupts the ultimate fear of reliving such a hard time. But when they returned from California the need to be with them and their son over took my anxiety and fear.

I was completely confident upon my departure to the hospital. It was not until approaching the hospital did the butterflies begin to flutter. As a descended down into the depths of the parking garage searching for a parking space my mood was descending as well. I was nearly at the bottom of the parking garage and the fact that so many loved ones were there to be with the children there weighed me down. It should not be this way.

I exited the elevator without trepidation into the very waiting room I dreaded and promptly got a water. I texted my friends that I was there and took a restroom break while waiting for them to come down to meet me. The steryl smell of the restroom caught my breath and took me aback. There was a voice in my head that is normally my husband saying "Be strong for me" but it wasn't his, I feel in my very soul it was Trey. I composed myself before meeting my friend in the lobby and hugged her the way I have wanted to for months.

Entering the very elevators that I traveled before did not daunt me but arriving at the floor we spent so much time in was testing. As we walked down to the family waiting room my friend asked me if I was ok and I told her I had to be. We visited briefly joking around and relaying our experiences. I observed their strength and humor with the situation.

We headed up to the PICU (Pediatric ICU) and the familiarity of the environment resonated as we checked in at the desk and were allowed access. I knew the drill of washing my hands before heading to visit their son. Entering his room, I wanted more than anything than to lay my eyes upon him and touch him. He was kept comfortable due the machines that had stabilized him after his cross country journey. I found myself remembering how Trey was kept comfortable in his fragile state and recalling how Trey reacted to our visits, calm with me, excited with his Daddy.

I inquired about the plan for him and it seemed that the focus was mainly on the short term, there was little information on the short term. They left to meet with doctors and I stayed with the Little Bubba. I talked with him about Trey and how I asked him to stay by his side through everything (ever since I asked I have not felt Trey near, what a good boy!!). While were they were in their meeting the time came that I needed to leave to pick up our daughter.

I felt extremely proud of myself for braving my fears to be there for my friends. Their strength is inspiring even though I know they have their hard times. I plan to make more visits now that my initial visit proved beneficial all around.

There have been people, initially my daddy, who have said that I am in the ideal person to be of help to them. It is not clear what the future brings for the Little Bubba but I am proud that I can be there for my friends and him even though I hate that there is a reason I have to be. I am blessed with a son who inspires e and a daughter who is healthy. I feel like I am getting my graduate degree in parenthood although I thought with our daughter was what I was learning for.

There are so many parents struggling in the name of a child who is fighting conditions that a child should never know. Many have told me that they are more patient with their children because of what happened to Trey. My love burns brighter for both of my children because of my friends and the strength they exude for the love of both of their children but more for the strength of their son, the same strength that Trey showed but for a longer duration.

Trey fought a valiant fight with his heart issues and Little Bubba continues his fight. Their hearts are connected because of their strength despite physical strife and the love that shines through them.

I came across this Twitter account and loved to poems that were published via their Facebook page. Gotta love technology! Here are a few examples but you can see more at https://www.facebook.com/Bearforanangel and https://twitter.com/BearforanAngel. Too Soon - Mary YarnallThis was a life that had hardly begunNo time to find your place in the SunNo time to do all you could have doneBut we loved you enough for a lifetimeNo time to enjoy the world and it's wealthNo time to take life down off the shelfNo time to sing the songs of yourselfThough you had enough love for a lifetimeThose who live long endure sadness and tearsBut you'll never suffer the sorrowing yearsNo betrayal, no anger, no hatred, no fearsJust love - Only love - In your lifetime.By SaraI looked toward the clouds todayand for a moment saw your faceAnd wondered just where you have gonewith the hope it's a peaceful place

Did you show yourself to me todayto tell me you're all right?Or was it just a daydreamplaying tricks upon my sight

Then I thought of when you leftstill too young to say a wordYet the look you gave us said it allin our hearts, your good-bye was heard

You have changed our lives foreveryour short time here not in vainand hope you know we tried it allto keep you safe from pain

We will always feel the void insidebecause you are not hereBut each new thought you send our waylet's us know you're always near

So until our journey nears it's endand we hear the Angels singWe'll face each new day as it comesand live off the Love you bring.

Saturday, June 1, 2013

I never really learned the proper way to twiddle my thumbs. I can turn my thumbs the same way but trying to turn one clockwise while turning the other counter clockwise. But who cares? Why spend your life on meaningless tasks?

Speaking of meaningless tasks, when I was in Girl Scouts and went to camp, they taught us how to whittle sticks. It is an interesting craft and I found myself enthralled in the OCB of it all. I wanted to break down the wood and reach the life but that too fell by the wayside after awhile, after all who wants to spend their lives breaking life down.

Too often we spend our time twiddling our life away, wasting needless time on things that don't matter. Similarly we often whittle life away and as humans it seems either we enjoy it or we do it on purpose.

It is not until we have truly experienced life, or the loss thereof, that these things fall on the wayside. I am not saying we all waste our life on these practices literally but I think of the ways that I still twiddle and whittle my life away. Personally I spend way too much time worrying (whittling) and playing internet games (twiddling) that I often tune out what is really important.

Now I am not saying that these things do not bring us solace in ways that allow us to defuse our stressful lives. Angel Steps was created by my time on the internet and sustained by social media. But I have to analyze how often I opt to spend time on the internet or watching my stories rather than taking in nature, whether it be taking a walk or tending a garden. Both of these activities counteract the whittling and twiddling of life. What is life if we don't soak it in?

I have spent this entire school year stressing and focusing on doing what my boss wanted me to do which steals away from who I truly am, from living as me. My husband has shooed my daughter away while I worked endlessly to perfect my lesson plans in the eyes of someone who expected me to read her mind. My husband would call this "letting someone live in your brain rent free".

Don't get me wrong, we all do what we have to so that we can succeed in life but the fabric of life is not success it is truly living.

Thus far the lessons in my life have taught me not to waste time on the things that don's fulfill me in some way. I relax just like the normal thing but I cannot sink myself in the vices of life that sink so many into oblivion. These distractions weigh us down making us whittle and twiddle life away and before we know it we are old and still bitter with the hand life has dealt us even though we are the masters of our own destiny. Even I am human and always learning. I often turn to my vices when life gets too much and I want to numb my stress. It never works, it's only a band-aid.