So this morning, I went for my interview at the insurance company. I went through two information/orientation sessions before this. It sounds like something that I could see myself wanting to do... just not yet. Not right now. And the dude agreed that financially, I'm not in a position to do this anyway. So we more or less mutually rejected each other. But he gave me his card and invited me to call him when/if I'm more in a position to pursue it. This was more or less how I hoped it would go.

Now I'm going to go through as much of my Indeed saved list as I can before work. And I think I would like to eat something. So maybe I'll try to make time to cook some delicious breakfast foods too.

Last night, I somehow got the idea to see if my old angelfire site was still online. It is, and it's ridiculous. It felt like a bit of a time capsule. I was looking at my old journal entries, pre-LJ and pre-blogging. I don't know if now me would have been able to stand then me. I worried about a lot of stuff that I probably shouldn't have worried about. Also, my then-boyfriend was a serious jerk! Why did I not see that??

I was trying to go through it on my phone though, which was difficult with the way I had it designed. So many frames! I'll have to pull it up on a bigger screen when I have the time.

There are so many things that I need to get done. And that my g-ma needs me to get done for her. And no time to do most of it. There are about 19 jobs that are currently saved in my indeed list (some of them for over a week) to be applied for. I have 3 jobs that I did apply for that also have necessary assessments to go along with them that I need to complete. My grandma, her cats, and her dog all have no food. I have needed to do laundry for weeks. Maybe even a couple months now. My house is filthy. I need household items from the store (laundry soap, hand soap, cleaning supplies, etc.) I have a bunch of training to get through for this side job I picked up recently.

Also, I'm hungry, and have been migrainey for the last few days. Complete with recurring aura. Fucking fantastic.

It would seem that my resolve to go back to daily journalling lasted all of one day. I have a computer at home again now so perhaps I can get back to it. I'm always torn when I take long breaks from writing. Do I try to play catch-up? Do I just pick up with now and add in relevant stuff if need be? That's usually what I end up doing.

Where I am right now, generally:

Working full time (40 hours/week)

Working part time (8 hours/week)

Trying to run a photography business (just picked up my first client for this year last week. eesh.)

Just picked up another part time gig (commission only, sort of sales)

Tending to g-ma things (she was recently in the hospital again and it was really bad and really scary. She's scheduled for a pacemaker, which also scares me, on the July 24th.)

Searching for new jobs to hopefully allow me to work less and still live and stuff

Thinking about gardening (bought plants. they are still in their store-pots on my porch. also planning Biscuit Memorial Catnip Garden, hopefully to be started/planted on what would have been his 7th birthday (July 8th))

Today I am working, applying for jobs, sending off last week's session's proofs to print, and going shopping for cat food for g-ma's cats.

I have thoughts about photography stuff but it will mostly be me complaining about not having enough time or money and I'm not sure I want to bother. Wait. Yes, I kinda do.

So in order to make my business successful, I really need to put a lot more time and money into it. But working so much means that I don't have enough time to put into it and life makes it so that I don't have enough money to put into it. If I could do better with the business, I might be able to do that more and work the other jobs less but how am I ever to find out at the rate things are going?? This is tiring and frustrating and ugh.

Typing this out on my phone isn't ideal but beats not typing it out at all.

I decided to start a life list and one of the items is to go back to daily journalling. So here goes. Entries may be brief, phone typing and all. But I'd like to have at least some documentation of my life. I'll wonder some day.

Yesterday I took my g-ma to the credit union since our attempt the day before was a failure. Their servers were down so there was little they could help us with. Yesterday was much more successful.

I picked up Mikale first, after having tom wake him up. We went to g-ma's, then the CU, then Kroger to buy money orders, lottery tickets, and a few grocery items.

Got back and she remembered that she had no dig food and needed envelopes for bill mailing. So I dragged Mikale with me and off we went to Family Dollar.

That left me just enough time to go home and eat, quickly shower, and go to work.

I got home last night and caught up on True Blood. Stayed up too late.

I woke up today with a headache. Accidentally poked a hole in Biscuit's new fluid bag so I'll have to open another new one tomorrow, which wastes three days of fluid. Grrr.

I went back to bed but foolishly didn't take drugs first so when I finally got up at 12:30, my head still hurt. So I had drugs, coffee, and food. It helped a little.

It is hot again today. I need to go to the store to buy cat food. And I should probably go and buy cream for my coffee. I don't want to do either of these things. Because I will sweat a lot. But ugh. Both need to be done. The kitty food especially. Maybe taking a shower will help me feel less gross.

So it looks like Billy is getting the 6 months redemption. Which is good. Because that will mean I have time to find somewhere to live! I'm down as a tenant. But at this point, no proof of renting has to be shown.

Woke up this morning feeling all sweaty and slimy. Bleah. And then Biscuit wanted to be all snuggly. Adorable. But so hot!

I need to get moving though. Get showered and dressed and out the door. I need to stop at the store and pack things up to go hang with the family. Tonight will be fireworks! And that always makes me happy. Mary has an awesome spot for watching too so that makes it even better.

So there's a house in bport that looks like a possible bet for g-ma. She and Mary went to see it yesterday. She didn't reject it outright, though I think it's a bit closer to a busy road than she'd like. But to get an affordable place in Bridgeport is not the easiest thing. So hopefully, if everything else about it checks out, she'd be able to handle that part.

I'm having difficulty with this house thing. Because there are so many different ways to go with it. My grandma and I could end up separate, or together, but the house choices in either case would be so very different. The two I posted about are just-for-me houses. Though Mary and I have also looked at/discussed some me/g-ma options.

With the two I just posted about, I'm having a difficult time. The one is a better choice in a lot of ways. Better condition, better neighborhood. But it's so small. And I just... feel so totally meh about it. I don't DISlike it. But I have no feelings of like for it either. It does have some really good points.

But the other one, I actually like. But it has more bad points! Ugh! But I like it! But one does need to look at practical things like neighborhood and resaleability too. But do you look at those those things over things like enjoyment of your living space? Or how much living space you end up with? I have no idea.

So I've been trying to get some other opinions. Just to see if there are things that I haven't thought of. I don't know how long I would be wherever I end up. So it could be a fairly short time, or not. Things change all the time. Sometimes in a good way, sometimes not.

Looking forward to a day off tomorrow. I have an appointment to look at a house at 1 tomorrow afternoon. There was another that I called about that is already spoken for. The more I checked out that listing, the more of a disappointment it is that it's gone.It was big, in decent shape, decent neighborhood, and under 20k.

We got free food at work today. Always a good thing. I may not even need the salad I packed for today.

I made myself stay up this morning after giving Biscuit his fluids. I managed to take a real shower for a change! And I made it to the store to buy some food. And cream for my coffee.

Mary sent me a few more houses to check out. I wonder if some of them might also work for me alone if my grandma and I ended up separate. I don't see why not. I hope I don't end up just settling for something only to have something better come along. I guess that just a necessary gamble. I have to hope I and up with something that I can tolerate. I would have preferred to go home. But it appears that it just wasn't to be.

I'm not sure why Maria and her mother refuse to adcnowlege me when I say hi lately. I don't understand. I do look forward to leaving there.

It is so hot today. It's cold here in the office but driving here was roasty. I talked to my grandma on the way here and my ear /the side of my face ended up all sweaty.

not sure what to do with the rest of my day off tomorrow. Maybe I'll check out the outside of some properties. It's a start. And read. I think I'll do some reading. I'm making my way through the Clan of the Cave Bear series again. I'm about 88% through the second book. I think there were six in all. One or two will be new to me.

Talked to Mary today. I think it was an apology call. We ended our talk last night kind of grumpily. My grandma had another house she wanted to look at. It's on Janes, which has the potential to be very tough and dangerous. But there are better pockets. The listing makes it sound like it has potential. 4 bedrooms, walk in closets, air (I think) fireplace (l think), partially finished basement, wood floors. Also has a barn w/ electricity that's rented out for $150 per month. But Mary said it doesnt look like the pictures at all and is in a bad area and is a no go. Sad! Because it looked like it had so much potential! It gives me hope that maybe there is something out there that will work. I guess I should start doing my own initial drive by / walk arounds. I don't necessarily need someone with me for that.I'm hungry. I have yesterday's dinner here at work that I didn't end up eating. But I'm without food at home. I should probably go shopping tonight or tomorrow morning.It's weird how different people get different sides of someone. Mary said my grandma is unhappy all the time. But she doesn't come across that way to me usually at all.Weekly meeting in a few minutes. Sunglasses are out in my car because I forgot that it might be today. It's so bright out in that little courtyard! So, so bright.

Less than an hour left. Perhaps tomorrow I can drag myself out of bed at a reasonable hour and get something done for a change. I need to start looking at real estate, I need to go shopping. I don't have any food.

I'm going to keep hoping that good things will eventually come my way.

l miss taking photos. Taking and sharing. It has been so long since I've done it with any regularity. It was once so much a part of my every day. All kinds of things have changed since then though. Mary said that my grandma has seemed different lately. Not like herself. She hasn't wanted her kitties sleeping with her and has been particularly hard on Brother. Saying that he smells bad & not wanting him near her. She also told Mary that she didn't want to take him to the vet. Yet she told me that she wanted my carrier. I'm not sure I want to know what her plan is. I don't want to give up or Brother yet!.We're starting to look at / think about real estate again. It's hard for me to do. I don't particularly want to be anywhere. But I suppose there are better places to not want to be than the place I am now. Where I am now is available for a limited time anyway. I should probably start scheduling some walk throughs.l bought yogurt and trail mix on the way to work. They were both unsatisfying. But at least I'm not hungry. So there's that. I had kind of forgotten how much I do not like yogurt. Bleah. I have salad for tonight and that should actually be good.Soon it will be time for the night people to come in and time for me to get out my headphones! One of these days I should get a larger capacity micro SD Card so I can fit even more music on there. I love that music helps my shift pass more quickly and easily than It would without.l slept until noon again. I shouldn't have but I was up too late again last night. Both of these need to stop happening. It's so hard though!At night there is reading to do! Then I'm tired!

l was up a little bit later than I intended to be last night. But I feel fairly well rested to day.I looked up information on medical alert devices. There is one that looks to be pretty good. They offer yearly, quarterly, and monthly plans. It's around $240 for the year. I think it's worth considering. My grandma had such a hard time because she wasn't near a phone and had to crawl up two flights of stairs to get to Harry.I'm glad to have two days off. Not because I like days off much lately - I usually spend them depressed and moping - but because it will mean I don't have to be at work. That much, at least, is good.We did our team meeting outside.It's super nice out. There are dark gray clouds moving in. It looks like it will rain soon. I tried posting an lnstagram picture of the sky but I couldn't get it to post.Lisa emailed me about a possible evening shift for tomorrow, won't trust it until I hear from Dave though. Would be nice to get a little more advance notice.I got myself up and out of bed early enough to get the trash out and they didn't even take it. Grrrr. Bastards.I was on my way out and didn't get the chance to look at the sticker they left on the can.l said hi & waved to Maria on my way out but she didn't acknowledge me at all. This is the third time so I'm thinking that I'm not imagining things and that really happened. I have no idea what's up with that though.I need to get ahold of Billy about the notice I found stapled to the porch. It would be good to know of I need to panic about housing again. I hope we can get it worked out to give me the 6-7 months more. It's not ideal but it beats having nowhere to go by far.

Today I woke up to my phone ringing at 5:40 am. It Was Harry and he left me a voicemail telling me that my grandma is back in the hospital. She couldn't breathe around 4 am. She was sleeping in the basement because it's cooler down there and woke up short of breath. She crawled up 2 sets of stairs because Harry couldn't hear her yelling for him. It took the ambulance 25 minutes to get there and I think both she and Harry were worried that she wasn't going to make it. I hate to think what would have happened if she had passed out before getting upstairs. I slept on and off until around 10ish? 11 ish? I know when I woke up, I was sweary because it was later than I wanted it to be. I'm so tired. I did get up to see her and stayed for an hour or so. She's mostly worried about the cats, as usual.I imagine today is going to feel very long. I am so tired. I also have some training from 3.30 to 5. It will probably be boringAnd good gravy, was it ever! So boring. But better than chatting I suppose.My feet hurt. I'm wearing cute shoes but they are not comfortable to walk in at all. :( I decided to wear a dress today because it has been so hot. But it's a little cold in here. It sucks dressing for in here but still having to wear the same thing out there.Had one of those crazy panic / dream / hallucinations that I used to get when I first got Muffin and Biscuit. Woke up around 4 am, which, incidentally, was when my grandma was having her problems, and I saw a huge spider dangling from the ceiling, silhouetted against the blind. Hate that. Takes me a bit to realize it's not real. It happened with some regularity back when they started and only in that brief time when they were young and I was stressed and getting so little sleep. It has happened periodically since. But it's rare. It's always huge spiders. Dangling from the ceiling. Or in webs right over me. And it's so alarming. Because you see it. And it's so real. And then you fully wake up and slowly realize that it can't be real. Ugh. Awful.

This will be my test. I think I like how the pen feels. The real test will be when converting to text. If that works, then I'm totally sold. At the very least, I think it will be a fun toy.Sitting here with my music / headphones on can almost make it feel like I'm here alone. It helps. Otherwise, I'm so irritable lately! I kind of get annoyed with almost everybody. Unfortunate for them. Not that they knowTrying to come up with different ways that I can use this pen. So far I've come up with: 1. Journalling and blogging 2. Client ordering 3. Letter writingThat's not many things. A bit of a disappointment!l did figure I'll use one section of this notebook for personal journal/blog and the other sections for other blogs. Maybe one for Product Whore and one for dontstompthekitty. Maybe. Not sure how easy that would be.It's nice to have a project. I haven't felt very inspired lately.I was trying to load the bloggess book club but the internet is rarely cooperative on my phone here. Grrr.I have strawberries next to me in a bag. They smell delightful.I do look forward to playing with this pen later. Or, rather, with the software. I just want to know how well it works. If it was a worthwhile purchase.In the end, I just want to get better about writing. Get better at writing. It's too sad to want to be a writer and not be able to write. :( <- sad face

He's being treated with subQ fluids & antibiotics, since the elevated white count suggests an infection somewhere. Waiting to get results for the genetic test for polycystic kidney disease. Trying to keep him eating and get him feeling better.

It hasn't been very much, but he has eaten! He had some more tuna, and he licked some gravy off of some fancy feast. And he ate about 1/3 of a can of some sort of ground chicken gooshy food. It's something fancy I got from petsmart when I was trying to get BartholoMEW to eat something in his last days. I will probably look into getting more. I don't remember how expensive it was. It doesn't smell gross like most gooshy food.

Last night, he almost licked some tuna. Which doesn't seem like much, but it was the most interest he has shown in a plate in front of him since Wednesday morning.

Today he was seeming a little feistier. He meowed on the way to and from the vet. And tried to jump down from the table when he was getting his fluids.

He didn't fight me as much on the formula, which was good. So I think he got a little more than he has been.

Then I went to work and came home to find that he had dumped over his water bowl and made a big mess, AND, he ate a tiny bit of tuna! And then, he ate a tiny bit more! I gave him a little formula after he nibbled at the tuna for a bit. But then I accidentally made him make a little pain mew when I touched his fluid pocket. Maybe it's a little sore.