It's been a few months and I feel like I'm going through every stage of grieve at any given moment.

He was actually diagnosed before we started dating. We had met online and hit it off so well that we ended up falling in love. I was kind of in denial about the whole situation - he didn't look or act sick, and he had a "I'm going to beat this" attitude that really attracted me to him. I moved out of state to be with him and we moved in together. It wasn't until the second year that we were together that he started declining and I became his primary caregiver (his family lived 500 miles away). At 28 I feel that life has been unkind. He was too young to die. And although I've gotten to the point where I can experience joy and have recently started dating again there are moments where I feel extreme guilt for trying to move on and be happy. We wanted to get married and have kids (assuming he would be cured). He was my first *real* relationship and we were so perfect together. At the same time it was extremely stressful. I had panic/anxiety attacks often and they would sometimes last for hours. I sought therapy and sometimes contemplated whether I had made the right decision getting with someone who was diagnosed with a terminal illness. There is extreme guilt for taking my anger out on him (I hadn't really made any friends so he was all I had). But I loved him and there was no turning back, no walking away, no letting him die alone. I was there with him in the hospital when he passed. I had a feeling the night before and said my goodbyes. Although unconcious, he must have heard me because his heart rate went up and he made the first noise I had heard him make in three days. 9 hours later he passed. Two days later I helped bury him - literally. Me and about 10 other people helped dump sand over his gravesite - which I still have yet to really see because it was a temporary stone and I have since moved back home to be near family and friends

I know it's not supposed to be easy, and I will probably have these feelings for awhile. But at the same time I know that I can get through this because I have already gotten this far. I now comprehend what my therapist meant when she told me that this experience would make me a stronger person (although there are moments where I feel far from it)

I'm not really sure why I'm here or what I expect from this site. I just like to talk about it. Maybe there's someone here who can relate and we can help support each other through the process

I lost my grandson, age 4, 11 months ago. As with all loss, there is one thing that has helped my daughter come to terms with the death of her son more than any other. Life will NEVER be the same. She understands this now and has been able to go to his resting place and wish him a Happy 5th Birthday without falling to pieces. Life changes after a loss in so many ways and some things will never be again.Realizing life goes on but not in the same direction, helps with all the changes death of a loved one brings on daily.

i lost my fiance to brian cancer as well 3 weeks on thursday....i def understand how your feeling. He was very young as well he was 28 years old. He had the positive attitude about it too and never complained about pain. We dated for 4.5 years 5 this september we just got engaged feb 12. There hasnt been a day yet that i havent cried and it just doesnt seem real it feels like hes on a long vacation and i cant contact him. He had it for two years. He had two operations and this last one they found out there was another tumor that was not curable he was in the hospital a month...went in feb 11 past away on march 11. Which was the same day as my best friends bday. he always remembered me even if he didnt know anyone else which at times i felt bad that he knew me and noone else but i was happy he remembered someone at all i dont think that it gets easier fast but i hope this feeling goes away one day the missing gap that is in my heart

Kristi, my heart goes out to you. I too lost my husband of 19 years to cancer. He had melanoma on his neck, he was in remission for over 7 years, then he had a seizure in November 2008. He passed away after it had traveled to his brain on October 7th. He was 48 years young. He was so outgoing and positive that almost six months have passed and I can't believe he is gone. I still expect to hear him bouncing into the house at 6:30 pm daily. I've picked up the phone a few times to call him at work and ask him a question. I have a 17 year old daughter who keeps me going. I have such wonderful memories of our time and know how lucky we were to get those seven years additional together. The final month was so difficult as he was less commutative and I was the sole caregiver. My range of emotions went from deep compassion to anger. I never thought I would be single at 45. I too do not go a day without shedding a tear, but I have the support of my friends and family that keep me going. Take care Kristi and I will say a prayer for you tonight too.

Hi Kris, You were so lucky to have had your relationship with this fine young man. He taught you love, he allowed you to give, and he benefited greatly from your presence. So you enjoyed him while he was here, and you so to say, paid him back for his love and concern by showing a great love and concern. I am sure you learned a lot of lessons that for most other folks takes a lot longer to learn. I wish you happiness and a long life with your new love, Charlotte, an American living in Germany

Interesting. I opeedmy email and this topic is here. I have brain cancer for the past 1 1/2 years and are starting the sympthoms of the last moments. I have stepped out of everyone lifes except for family because I did not want the pain in their lives. I don't belong to anything or anyone. Just me and my dog. Times are loney but I thnk this is best. Thank God that I have great insurance. May all your suffering go away and you can start new and full filling lives.

Oh my dear Ringboyd......I am so sorry that you will have to be leaving us.. My son, has terminal lung cancer and will also be leaving his family here on this earth. I know you are concerned about your family felings after you are gone, but one thing for sure..They can all say my son, brother, father, nephew, uncle or whatever to are to your family relatives, they can all say loudly...HE HAD COURAGE AND FACED HIS ILLNESS FULL SQUARE IN THE FACE. That is what I tellmy son as we speak on the phone. He is in Tampa, Fl and I am in a place near Berlin Germany. I have promised to be with him again at the end... You are a brace man..and I wish you a comfortable passing if I may be so bold. Your dog knows of your courage as well, and as for the ins...well, that is a blessing too. Charlotte, ALIG

Hi Ringboyd. I work with Hospice patients and admire your position. I think when my time to battle what ever genetic malformation or environmental toxin takes my health, I too will do so as you are doing. Best wishes to you on your transistion.

I know what your going through, I lost my boyfriend of 9 months to Leukemia. He was diagnosed January 14, 2009, the same day we started dating. He told me a thousand times I could leave him and he would understand. I made the choice to stay by his side and support him. In September he received a Stem Cell transplant(which was said to cure his cancer.) A couple of days after receiving the stem cell he was put in ICU for VOD. After about a month at Children's hospital in New Orleans he was moved to Tulane's ICU. He was on full life support in the end. After a long fight everyone agreed he had been through enough. On November 8, 2009 he pasted away with family and myself there.

I guess my point is I know where you are. I've been down the road pain and days that seem like your never going to be happy again. I have recently started to move on with my life. You just have to take it day by day and pray for the best.

Hi I am sorry for you're loss' I really don't know what to do
at this moment but I have a boyfriend with lukemeia cancer of the blood
he's my first love my first everything well everything is ok now but I would probably lose my mind
if I lost him sometimes I wonder why but he's had it for a while he was
diagnoised in 2009 . I cry everyday but I know I .will stick by his side no matter what. But please pray for him please

Wow all I can say is there are some pretty incredible people out there on this site helping one another get through the difficult time of losing a loved one and for those struggling to get by. I, too, have had my experiences with losing loved ones and I hope I can be of some encouragement. So many wonder WHY, understandably. Unforeseen occurrences befall all of us, meaning anything can happen. We live in critical times with our health, safety, economically and spiritually. Can you imagine living in a time where we have perfect health, no fear of safety, plenty of food, no sickness, suffering or death? Aya, right here on earth. I can share a number of scriptures that are very comforting and help to cope.

Assurance is found in the last book of the Bible," God will wipe out every tear from their eyes, and death will be no more, neither will mourning nor outcry nor pain be anymore. The former things have passed away...Look I am making all things new." Rev 21:4,5
That is a promise. It is God's purpose to bring an end to all suffering. He will do that by riding the earth of war, hunger, sickness and injustice. No human can accomplish that.

Two facts that can give us hope and encouragement. The first is this: Jehovah God will more than make up for any suffering we may have experienced. God assures us: "The former things will not be called to mind, neither will they come up into the heart." Isaiah 65:17. God will undo, permanently, the misery and suffering.
The second fact is: God has set a time to end suffering, " The vision is yet for the appointed time...it will not be late." Habakkuk 2:3

There are many scriptures regarding the blessings mankind will receive.
Notice what Isaiah 33:24 says, "No resident will say: 'I am sick'"
Psalm 37:29 "The righteous themselves will possess the earth and reside forever upon it." Acts 24:15 "There is going be a resurrection of both the righteous and unrighteous."
And a global brotherhood! Psalm 46: 8,9 " Come, you people, behold the activities of the Jehovah, how He has set astonishing events on the earth. He is making wars to cease to the extremity of the earth."

These are all scriptures in the bible that were written aforetime for our instruction so to have hope and comfort. Romans 15:4
So if you should see one of Jehovah's Witnesses out and about sharing comforting news from the Bible ask them for a magazine and if you are interested in learning more about the bible and what it really teaches you can have a free bible study at your convenience! If not you can certainly obtain a magazine that you will enjoy. Peace to all of you and may God Bless you with the truth.

My fiance was just diagnosed with colon cancer stage III B. He had surgery 3 weeks ago, now is waiting to start Chemo. He was positive, a great patient, and intended to fight for his life. We got engaged last Christmas. he was well, no symptoms...then he got a routine colonoscopy in February. I was with him, every step of the way. Last week he was released from the hospital and within a few days, he became, distant, cold , snappy, and cruel to me. We never had fights, we had a great relationship . Now he is taking a break from me, by abruptly flying back East to see his family. I totally understand and support this, but I am hurt and bewildered by his change towards me. I KNOW that cancer is a scary diagnosis, and I understand his need to get away. What I do not understand is why he is acting so cruel towards me. If he needs space and to get his head together about this, I really feel there is a better way of saying things....cancer or not.

I TO FEEL YOUR PAIN. TODAY MY HUSBAND OF 22 YRS.AND I PICKED OUT HIS CASKET. HE HAS BEEN IN HOSPICE FOR 3 MOS. I HAVE NOTICED A LOT OF SIGNS THAT CANCER HAS MOVED TO THE BRAIN.THANK YOU LORD FOR YOUR UNCONDITIONAL LOVE,I KNOW I CAN GO ON AFTER HE'S GONE,I WILL MISS HIM EVERY DAY BUT I WILL KEEP TRUSTING IN THE LORD AND ASKING FOR STRENGTH TO FACE EACH DAY. STAY STRONG AND TRUST IN THE LORD.

Thank you so much for your reply. Really thank you from the bottom of my heart. Cancer is such a terrible thing especially from the patient. I have been a nurse for 28 years and I have never experienced anything like this. I want to be there for him so much, but he does not want me around. It seems to me at this point nobody really cares at all. I am heartbroken for his diagnosis, but I feel that he may recover well after all. I am trying to stay positive but really feel that he is not being that way for his recovery. I have read that many people come through to the other side and live cancer free lives. At this point he has broken off our engagement which just happened at last Christmas. I know that people are on his side, but I also know we had a strong love for each other and a wonderful relationship together. He is the one with the diagnosis , colon cancer stage 3 b without any symptoms, except for a mass which was found during a routine colonoscopy. I want him to live well with or without me. I just don't understand why he through us away. I am sorry for your husband, but don't ever ,ever give up. Too many success stories out there. Best to you all and please respond if you can or want to. Blessings to you. I
know you are going through terrible time. My name is Lizzie.

I lost my husband of 26 years to brain cancer in July. I sometimes feel so angry I don't know what to do. I am a Christian and I know I should be asking why not me not why me. I miss him so . He was only 53 and our youngest is just 15 and he needs his father. I know that he is home with our heavenly father but im selfish and wish he could be here . Please pray for strength for me and I will pray for you and a cure for all forms of cancer. Phyllis

I'm so sorry to hear... Anger at the disease that has robbed the vitality and energy and eventually takes the life of a partner is normal for a spousal caregiver. You are not alone. There are online groups like this, grief groups, and the Well Spouse Association (http://wellspouse.org), as well as individuals such as therapists or pastors that you can turn to for help. You may feel guilty at feeling angry, but please know that you can give yourself permission to forgive yourself and set aside the guilt, and take things a day at a time, planning an activity you enjoy for at least part of the time each day, or every couple of days... and hopefully doing it with others. I wish you the best.

I'm sorry you are hurting, losing a mate is a hardship and its not normal to accept because we love them so much we don't want to be without our loved one. True. And those feelings of hurt, anger, sadness all go together. Be strong, what choice do we have, for your son, and pray for that strength and the power beyond normal to cope with this loss.
Pray for a helper to look into the bible with you and show you the comfort of the scriptures, answers and hope. It is there and I will pray for you too.
Rev 21:3,4,5 a prophecy to be fulfilled, and psalm 37:29

I Lost my boyfriend may,6,2013 to melonomia cancer.he had spent the last three weeks of his life on life support because I couldn't let him go.I did not want to sign the papers to take him off the only thing that kept him breathing.then his doctor sat me down and told me he was dying on the life support the hard way and I needed to rethink my decision.I didn't want him to suffer anymore and I knew that his cancer had spread everywhere so as bad as I hated to do it I signed the papers to take him off life support.he died within 15min and I was beside him and it broke my heart I did not want to let him go.he was the love of my life since I was 17.today I feel like I killed him somehow I struggle daily with my decision.I just want him back.the pain has not faded any and he is on my mind constantly.I wonder all the time if he forgives me and if he knows I would never had done anything to hurt him intentionally. he sure put up a fight.I miss him everyday.I will always regret my decision so if you are faced with it make sure you can live with it because I sure haven't been able too..

Kathy05
Here's a hug... you did not kill him, the cancer --the elephant in the room -- killed him. You are not alone, many many spouses who lose their partner to chronic illness / disability complications feel they are somehow responsible. It's natural to feel this way. Talk it over with a counselor or a support group. The feeling doesn't go away instantly, but I bet that gradually you will realize that the tragedy has marked, but not ruined your life... You are a very compassionate, caring person.

I lost my bf of 5 years over two years ago to stage 4 lung cancer. He was only 24. Going through it was hard as his primary caregiver and all the anxiety etc thst you feel but I would never go back and change meeting him and knowig him. People talk about preparing yourself for their passing but I really never did, maybe I was in denial. I never gave up hope. But then you realize that the person fighting and going through
Chemo who is getting weaker and weaker, they get tired atleast
My former bf did. He was scared but ready to go, he died with all his family
By his side, friends, myself, and hospice. He died with dignity and a lot more courage then I could imagine a person to have. To have stage 4 cancer for almost five years and to survive that long was a miracle. He taught me so muc about what is truly important and for that I am so grateful. I am way beyond other people my age who are mostly concerned with things that don't matter.

A few months after my former bf passed on, I met my current bf who really helped me to heal and I truly
Believe he was sent from god. I have never been so happy and it does make me think everything happens for a reason. I am just really scared of somethig happening to my current bf becusse we want to get married ad have a family and grow old together and sometimes I really freak out about somehing happening to him. I don't think I could deal with losing someone else. I try to think it won't happen or I have no control but sometimes the thought does pop in my head and bother me. I guess being through so much at such a young age it may be normal to have these fears. I just feel like I have been through enough.

Me either I'd rather have had him for the time I did than not at all. It's been 4.5 yrs n I still don't sleep through the night . I just recently started dating someone and for a while it felt weird cuse it wasn't my Matt . His parents are like second parents and we hang out all the time . It doesn't seemije it's been almost five yrs . Just to have one more hug would maker happy ??

My Fiance has stage four brain cancer and he was just told today that it has spread to his lungs. I've been crying all day... I have no idea what to do or say. He wants me to leave him because he doesn't want me to get hurt in the end. He said he is dying and that he can't benefit me.. What do I say to him? I want to be here for him. I want to be in his life. I love him. I told him earlier that I'd rather have in my life now and know that someone loves him while he is sick then for me to leave and him be alone. I can't leave him I love him.

My boyfriend used to say the same before he passed to leave him ect. But I stayed because I loved him but also I always thought I wouldn't want someone to leave me
Either if I were sick. I would tell him that you are not with him because you feel sorry for him if you wanted toeace you would but that you are there because you love him. I'm sure he is very scared but also wants to protect you. Tomorrow is never really promised for any of us and I'm sure no matter what happens you won't regret your time together.

My boyfriend has brain cancer and the fight isn't going well. I just found this site and I don't know why I am here. I know that Senior year is supposed to be the "best time of your life" but, it isn't and I find it hard for people to understand what is going on, because they haven't had to go through it.

I have been with my girlfriend for 10 years and on August 2013, she was diagnosed with endometrial cancer. She underwent chemo and radiation treatment and after 10 months since her diagnosis, she got a clean bill of health and returned to work in June of last year. Everything was great! We had plans to travel again and her son was going to get married November 2014. Then one morning at 6:45 am, we were asleep in bed when she suddenly let out a yell. I thought she was having a bad dream and when I tried to wake her, I realized it was no dream! She was having a grandmal seizure...I had never in my life experienced someone having a seizure and I had had CPR training but nothing can prepare you for something you have never death with before..so I called an ambulance and she was rushed to the ER..after being admitted into the hospital and having all these tests done, it was discovered that she had a rain tumor. And after undergoing a biopsy, it was confirmed that she had Glioblastoma Multiforme stage 4 and it was extremely aggressive. She had a craniotomy and had 6 weeks of radiation and chemotherapy and the tumor never even responded to any of the treatments. She had a second seizure on New Year's Eve and even after being seen by her Oncologist, there is nothing more that they can do for her..now she is home receiving hospice care slowly declining..everyday is a struggle as her confusion worsens, and she has become weaker. She's on steroids which has swelled up her face and her feet and doesn't even look like the same person. Her conversations are incoherent and she needs constant supervision with even the smallest daily things such as brushing her teeth, combing her hair, and changing her pull-up. Everyday I ask myself if I'll even be prepared for that day and i don't even have an answer..I cry all the time, I've lost so much weight because I'm so busy making sure she is comfortable and lacks nothing. I'm scared and I'm lost..I have no idea what my life will even be like when she leaves this earth..I have known nothing else but her for the last 10 years..shes seen my kids have kids, I've seen her son graduate from the fire academy, we've been to weddings and birthdays, on vacations together..I get angry and I plead for mercy for her life and I just feel like it's just not fair...she is a good person always the giver, helper, advisor...I will be very lost without her..she is my best friend...

i'm sorry to hear about everyone's experiences. i can tell you that since writing the original post 6 years ago, i am doing a lot better. i will always hold a special place in my heart for him, but i have also found new love and got married, time helps to heal some of those wounds. there was a very dark time in my life that felt like would never go away. but it did. and i truly wish the best for each of you

My boyfriend was diagnosed with brain cancer 5 weeks ago. He is very sick and in hospital in another town undergoing treatment but the prognosis is poor. I am devastated. I travel every week to spend 3 days at a time with him. He has his family visiting also. I miss him so much. It is heartbreaking to watch him deteriorate. I have had unhealthy relationships in the past and I am so blessed so have found this beautiful loving man. We have had so much fun together and were discussing more plans of travel and of living together when he finished building his house. I know he may not have much more time left and it hurts so much to think of living without him in my life. I am experiencing so many emotions. I try to take it one day at a time. But whatever happens I am so happy that I have experienced this love, especially when I thought I never would..

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