Monday

Apr 28, 2008 at 12:01 AMApr 28, 2008 at 3:20 PM

My parents live out of state. Every day I receive at least one phone call from them with questions. They almost sound like they cannot manage without my input. This is taking time away from my family. I am having difficulty focusing at work and I am constantly feeling stressed and jumping every time I hear the phone ring? What can I do?

Q: My parents live out of state. Every day I receive at least one phone call from them with questions. They almost sound like they cannot manage without my input. This is taking time away from my family. I am having difficulty focusing at work and I am constantly feeling stressed and jumping every time I hear the phone ring? What can I do?

A: Receiving phone calls throughout the day is very stressful. It is a sign your parents are not managing at home as they once did. A geriatric care manager in your parents' city can be hired to complete a home assessment, following up with a plan of care.

The plan of care will include ways to decrease the phone calls and make suggestions to allow your parents to manage at home safely. One way is to bring services into the home. Also, the geriatric care manager can visit your parents regularly, giving you updates following the visits. If there is a crisis, the geriatric care manager can be available and give you an assessment of the situation rather than relying upon your parents' interpretation.

There are two ways to find a geriatric care manager: one is by word of mouth and the other way is to through the National Association of Geriatric Care Managers Web site, www.caremanager.org.

Q: I promised my mother I would never place her in a nursing home. My mother had a stroke and now has a feeding tube. She needs someone with her 24 hours a day and has to wear diapers. She cannot get out of bed without two people and also needs two people to provide personal care. I cannot care for my mother in my home (I work full time and have two children at home); and my mother can not live alone any more. I feel so guilty about having to place my mother in a nursing home. What should I do?

A: At the time you made the promise to your mother, both of you were unable to see the future. You are a wonderful daughter trying to do everything possible. However, your mother's stroke changed the entire picture. She now needs medical care that you are unable to provide and she needs two people for personal care.

A nursing home can provide the 24-hour care for your mother. There are licensed nurses available to continue to monitor your mother's care throughout the day and night and physical and occupational therapists for rehabilitation. There are also two aides available at all times to help with personal care.

It is because of your love for your mother that you are struggling with this decision. Try to remember your mother needs medical care and needs to be in a medical environment at this time because of her health. You are making the decision based upon your mother's medical needs. If your mother makes gains with rehabilitation, then the decision to return home can always be revisited.

ElderCare Resource Services is a partnership of geriatric nurses and social workers that helps families to investigate, assess and recommend medical and non-medical care and resources for seniors.