Over the last decade, frat guys have undergone the kind of remarkable
transformation that would have the Queer Eye quintet giving their pleather
L-shaped sectional the Tom Cruise treatment. Gone are the hippie grungester
Frisbee chuckin' dudes with blatantly vulgar slogans emblazoned on their
chests and heads, replaced by a slicker man with a shorn scrotum, a lot
more pink in the old dresser drawers, and far better taste in music. Without
further ado, we proudly present The Black Table's special report on the
differences between frat fashion in 1995 and 2005.

***

Footwear

1995:
Sandals 2005: Flip-flops

Everyone was feeling the love so much in 1995 that even frat guys could
be hippies. And what do hippies wear? Sandals! Birkenstocks became accepted,
not just orthopedic. Images of your spinster aunt were put out of mind
and replaced with soccer fields, hacky sacks and Styrofoam coolers. The
laid-back carelessness of Sigma Nu just went better with sandals. Now,
dudes can care even less with flip-flops. From out of the shower or off
the lacrosse field and right into happy hour, flip-flops take them every
place they want to go. Instead of patchouli and Vermont, flip-flops suggest
sand and SoCal-cool. Somehow, they come off as less filthy than sandals.
You can even wear them to the White House!

Jewelry

1995:
Hippie Necklace2005: Livestrong

If you were wearing sandals, you were probably also wearing one of those
leather-thong necklaces with a bead on it. Clearly, you were
ahead of your metrosexual time. The necklace highlighted your Adam's apple,
as well as proved to the ladies that you were vaguely into
jewelry and other cultures. You've given up being interested in the world,
because now all you give a shit about is cancer. Check your wrist -- does
it say LiveStrong? You bet it does, modern Frat Dude. You appreciate Lance
Armstrong and his utter lack of body fat, but really you like the idea
of looking like you support a cause. And when the cause comes in accessory
form, how can you go wrong?

Hat

1995:
Fighting Cocks Hat (white)2005: Pomade

The University of South Carolina has only 16,000 students, but fratty
undergrads nationwide wore USC's school hat with pride in the mid-to-late
'90s. Because it said Cocks on it. Get it? No other hat made the wearer
look so instantly like a rakish asshole. And did you see the fake yearbook
entry for Mike Hunt? Fucking awesome, man. But today's frat daddies are
more in touch with their natural selves, so their heads require only pomade.
With just a few strokes across the scalp, today's Dude can look fashionable
without ever having to do anything. No need to waste valuable time in
the shower when a swab of Bedhead will make you look as though you spent
time making your hair look this clumsy. Hatlessness is bad news for bald
guys, but a great advance for frat culture as a whole. You may still be
an asshole, but now it's not so obvious. Cock.

Concert

1995: Dave Matthews Band2000: Dave Matthews Band

Where the Blues Travelers, Sister Hazels, and Hootie and the Blowfishes
all crapped out after a couple of booze happy tunes, DMB has divested
all of them and grown stronger. Even though DMB hasn't put out an album
in years that anybody besides its most sycophantic fans would care about,
the band still hits all of the emotional touchstones that are essential
for any self-respecting fraternity member: recognizable songs, universal
themes about life and love, large communal gatherings with like-minded
people, and, most importantly, automatically becoming twenty-five percent
more bone-able to women who like the Dave Matthews Band. It's a known
fact: more "platonic" relationships between frat boy and frat-friendly
girl were esoterically consummated with a bottle of Cavit Pinot Grigio,
Urban Outfitter candles, and "Say Goodbye" playing in the background
-- and should continue to do so for the next ten years.

Cologne

1995: Polo Sport2005: Axe Body Spray

Polo Sport was the half way point between Drakkar Noir and Issey Miyake
for most budding paddle swatters. It was refreshing and simple, but also
half-assedly dignified and classy. With the Axe revolution, there is a
quicker, more efficient way of keeping the overpowering Yager armpit smell
to a minimum and also exuding (according to advertisers) wanton virility.
With fratsters becoming far more vain and image conscious, having an all-purpose
deodorant/cologne/pussy magnet that can be stored away in man purses when
the slightest hint of odorous must arises is essential. Plus, with Axe
it is much easier and less painful to fragrant the balls and butt cheek
areas -- parts of the body that burned viciously from even the most gentle
of Polo Sport spritzes -- if hooking up is in the immediate future.

T-Shirt

1995: Co-Ed Naked2005: Intramurals

Co-Ed Naked T-shirts were the epitome of frat lounge wear that also made
its way to the summer shore houses everywhere once the spring semester
ended. It was usually worn with blue jeans and a braided belt or gray
sweat pants; its stilted irreverence appropriate for any occasion that
involved beer in plastic cups and potential date rape. The Co-Ed Naked
aficionado liked to party anytime, anyplace, anywhere, during any activity
-- as long as at the end of the evening some of the co-eds semi-willingly
became naked. Alas, the dynamic shifted and frat boys were to become not
just booze and cooze hounds, but also active. It is no longer enough to
be a beer pong champion -- you must also be proficient in flag football
and volleyball. And the best way to advertise your new found weekend fitness
is to wear the intramural t-shirt. Every. Waking. Moment. Just think of
all the money you'll save not shopping at Banana Republic?

An Informal, Uneducated Survey of the History of
Fraternity Guys 1830 to the Present

Frat guys have been around for more nearly two centuries now, always
adapting, moving in lockstep with campus whims. In the interest of illuminating
this time honored segment of the college population, we present an informal
look at the evolution of the frat guy.

***

1830-1910: The Age of Really Really Rich and Powerful White People

The frat guy really came to power in the 1830s, when Skull and Bones
was founded at Yale. What members lacked in truly bitchin' keg parties,
they made up for with large moustaches and incredibly successful political
careers, despite having lame names like "Grover Cleveland."

***

1910-1940: The Age of Really Rich and Powerful
White People

Thanks in no small part to two World Wars and a Great Depression, the
ranks of the frat guy have gone from really, really rich and powerful,
to merely rich and powerful. But everyone's still very, very white. So
there's that.

***

1940-1975: The Put a Lampshade on Your Head and Go "Woo, Woo!"
to that Demonic Rock and Roll Music Era

In the years following World War II, soldiers began heading back to school,
using the G.I. Bill, slowly and surely infiltrating the once elite world
of fraternities. There they discover the joys of binge drinking and songs
like "Wooly Bully," by Sam the Sham and the Pharoahs. While
premarital sex remains depressingly low, idiotic hijinx like cramming
people into phone booths and pissing off the chancellor are at an all-time
high. Golden times, they were.

***

1975-2000: The Self-Absorbed Asshole Era

During this turbulent period, frat styles came and went like Saturday
Night Live cast members but at their core, the tried-and-true frat
dudes kept it trendy, alcoholic, and better than your dumb ass. (Dude,
high fiver! Up top!) Be it the asshole jock yuppies from the 1980s Revenge
of the Nerds era or the "tortured" pseudo hippy grungesters
of the mid-1990s, the lunkheaded frat guy was utterly unaware of how loathed
he was, trapped in a little bubble of videogames, dollar draft nights
and hazing rituals. Then they caught on.

***

2000-Present: The Post-Ironic, Self-Aware Hipster Frat Guy

Perhaps the single most terrifying era of frat guy, akin to that scene
in V where the humans pull off their skin and reveal lizards underneath.
These frat guys come in hipster clothing, with popped collars, enough
metrosexuality to make their dads nervous, and decent enough taste in
music. Be afraid, be very afraid.