Rambles about stuff I like.

Well, I was pretty slackadaisical yesterday with my writing. Tell you the truth, after my workout I spent the rest of the day working on my thesis. I think that’s probably what’s gonna happen on MWF from now on. Get up – do my notes for class, exercise, then spend the rest of the day working on my thesis. Lemme tell ya – a thesis is a very time-consuming thing. Especially a math one – my thesis is about 140 pages at the moment, and I’m in the process of going through each page, cleaning up the language, making sure things make sense, adding in explanation wherever necessary, adding sources… Guh. It takes a long time. But it’s the one huge obstacle I have to overcome before I can get my PhD, get a good job, and move outta my parents house, so that’ll be my main focus for the next little while.

My secondary focus is exercise. My diet has been on point for the past couple days, and I’m committed to staying below 2000 calories every day. One habit I picked up is having a fruit & vegetable smoothie at the end of the day. I make my smoothie with coconut water, and then a bunch of green vegetables and fruit. It tastes… y’know, vegetable-y. But it’s a great way to get a lot of vitamins, plus it’s a good meal to have at the end of the day. I start my day with a protein shake with vegetable powder, and I end it with more fruits and vegetables. I’m sure that’s probably good for me. And I have two meals in between – oatmeal and peanut butter, and eggs and sausage. In between the eggs and sausage and my protein shake, I get close to 75g of protein a day – which is my limit as protein is hard on the kidney.

Anyhoo, there’s not much else going on. Tonight I’m teaching my class – and it’s going ok so far. But man, it sure seems like a lot of those kids are bored during class. I don’t get it! Math is exciting! Maybe I feel this way because I’m a mathematician.

What else? Well – I guess I never actually wrote down my 5 week goals like I said I was going to. I think I might make me some June goals – as I think I did well in April when I had 5 specific targets to shoot for. And June is right around the corner, so that seems like a logical progression. Ok, that’s the plan!

Umm… Yeah. Not too much else going on. My main focuses day to day are getting my exercise in, then spending the rest of the day working on math. And in the evenings, I hit the bong in order to make the tediousness of writing a thesis more tolerable.

I’m hoping that by the end of the summer, I’ll be done my thesis. It really takes a lot longer than I was expecting – plus I was dilly-dallying a bit at the beginning of May – getting adjusted to my new class and whatnot. But now it’s all math all the time. Gotta couple months of hard, tedious work and then I’ll get my friggin PhD. Like in goals, I have to resist the temptation to quit at 95% done – and instead worry about finishing strong. Plowing through this thesis, defending the sucker, and then living the easy life of a professor.

Well, we’ll see how long it takes me to become a prof. There’s always the option of going to work for the government. But, having worked in an office, I’d much rather take a low salary in exchange for loads of free time. The odds of me working a 9-5 office job are pretty goddamn slim at this point.

Anyhoo – that’s a tight 15. Maybe another ramble tomorrow – maybe the next one is on Tuesday. We’ll see!

Welp, I had a near perfect day yesterday. Did all my math, exercise, piano, writing, reading, etc…. I even worked straight up until 8:00pm like I wanted, without any distractions or nothing. However, the one setback I had was with my diet. GodDAMN is it hard to resist cravings. I’ll go fine until the evening, and then I’ll see a kitchen full of delicious goodies, and I’ll start with, “I’ll just have one rice krispie square.” And then BOOM – before you know it, I’m chowing down on all sorts of garbage and the diet day is ruined.

Welp, now that I’ve got that in mind, I will remain extra vigilant tonight. I’ll make sure that I eat something healthy when I get home from class, and then STOP EATING. It’s super-easy for me to overeat – I’m on prednisone which gives me an insatiable appetite. Thus, if I’m to develop self-discipline, I should start with my diet – and that means overcoming my biggest challenge and not snacking at night.

I’ll be honest, I’m pretty sick of working out everyday and having nothing to show for it. I’m just gonna have to suck it up, drink some more water, and go to bed hungry. If I can develop that habit, then pretty soon my body will reflect my decisions. I just have to endure the cravings.

One thing I could do is use social media. This is where my instagram and youtube subscriptions will come in handy. I think that, whenever I’m feeling like snacking, or my brain gets to a point where it says, “Fuck it – we can start the diet tomorrow!” That’s when I’ll start surfing instagram or checking out my youtube fitness subscriptions. It’s when I’m feeling these cravings that I need motivation. And so seeing all those lean, fit bodies will (hopefully) motivate me to stay on my diet, avoid pigging out on junk food, and staying the course.

That’s a big thing when it comes to goals – is determination. Never giving up. I should take that message to heart. Say, if I have a bad diet morning and go heavy on the calories – usually I take that as a sign that there’s no point in dieting for the rest of the day, and I’ll pig out. Instead, if I eat a little too much – I should not quit, and try and diet my best for the rest of the day.

I think I was in here yesterday complaining about the same things. Well, this time I mean it! Now that I’m aware of my snacking struggles in the evening, it will be a bit easier to deal with them – I know that right now, that’s my biggest sticking point for my diet, and so every night I’ll try and avoid snacking.

Yeah, I would say diet, exercise and thesis are my top 3 priorities at the moment. If I can exercise everyday, keep to a healthy diet the majority of the time, and do my thesis in the evening, then everything will work out fine.

That’s the other thing about goals – is that I have to have patience. Just one night of not eating everything in sight will not yield abs. I have to eat at a caloric deficit over a long, consistent period of time in order to get down to my target body fat percentage. Maybe it’ll be easier now that it’s the summer – and when it’s super hot out, I don’t really have an appetite. But nevertheless, I will work on developing patience, and never giving up.

Anyhoo – what else? Today’s a teaching day, so no smoking weed until after class. Lemme tell ya, when I get home I’m gonna have an epic sesh – got a brand new episode of American Dad to watch. I’m gonna clean out my bong, get some ice-cold water loaded up, and then enjoy a cool bowl of cannabis and relax for the rest of the evening. Ah, wonderful.

But in the meantime, I’ve got a couple hours to kill before class. Tuesday’s are the worst – I have to be on campus at 5:30 for my office hours. However, it’s super rare that anyone shows up for office hours, so I mainly use it to surf the internet. I ‘spose I could be doing something more productive – but meh, whaddya gonna do. It’s stressful enough talking for 90 minutes in front of kids who definitely don’t want to be there. I think teaching would be a lot better if I were teaching math to mathematicians, as they’d be at least interested in the material. These engineers, they all look up at me with bored, dead eyes and world-weary sighs.

Oh well – a job’s a job. And less than 10 hours of work a week isn’t bad at all.

Having a much better day today productivity-wise. Got up without hitting snooze, did my goals, then 3 pages of notes for class, then exercise, do my piano, now I’m onto writing. There’s been very little dilly-dally today, I’ve been focused on getting my goals done as efficiently as possible.

Anyhoo, I think the key to a great day is to be productive first thing. If I can manage to get up and get going, then as my feelings follow my actions, I instantly feel more productive. And when I’m productive, I want to carry those feelings through me for the rest of the day, rather than just slack off. It’s like the snowball effect – doing just a little something in the morning to be productive will get me going for the rest of the day, like a snowball rolling down a hill.

After my writing, I’ll read my book for 30 minutes before working on my thesis. If I can manage to keep my head down while I do my math, and not watch tv or surf the net or anything, then it’ll be a nice and productive day. My math “to do” is to edit 4 pages of my thesis. But editing the thesis is somewhat tedious – so we’ll see what I do. My plan is to do head down math until 8:00pm, at which time I can relax. That’ll probably mean around 4 good hours working on my thesis. If I can get in a consistent groove on my non-teaching days, then I’ll be done this sucker in no time.

Actually, what I should be doing is spending as much time as possible on my thesis. I think I’ll uninstall Tinder and just focus on fitness and work for the next little while. I’d rather be in a better position career-wise before going on dates and getting serious with anyone. Of course, I could go out on dates just to practice going out on dates… so maybe I’ll hold off on deleting Tinder. But for sure, I’m going to try and spend a majority of my time on my thesis from now on, until it’s done.

And fitness – well, the only thing I really need to improve for fitness is my diet. I’ve been doing really well as far as exercising consistently, and doing around 4-5 workouts a week. If I could stick to a caloric ceiling on a consistent basis, I’d start losing all that pesky belly fat.

Yup. I think I’m going to focus on those two things for the next little while: thesis and diet. Of course, focusing on a diet just means “not eating whatever the hell I want”, which is my current diet. It’s all about prepping my meals for the week, measuring out my portions and counting calories. Thing is though, in the past when I’ve done this, I’ve felt great during the day. Good workouts, lots of energy – so there’s certainly benefits to eating well that I’m not enjoying. Another reason to focus on diet for the next little while.

I will say this though – I’m getting pretty darn good at piano. I need to start a new piano book, because as soon as I learn “Amazing Grace”, I’m done with Alfred’s Piano Book Vol 1.

What else? I was recently binge-watching House – but I’m somewhere near the end of Season 7 and getting pretty sick of it. House and Cuddy have this on-again/off-again relationship, and so I’m guessing Season 8 is all about their wedding and the final episode is one of them dying (or Wilson) at the wedding. Calling it right now. But we’ll see – I’ve no real appetite to watch that show again.

I’m currently catching up with the current season of Bob’s Burgers. I’ve got, like, 6 new episodes to watch, so I am stoked for this evening when I will be done all my goals and can veg out and watch some tv. Yeah!

I was pretty slackadaisical [sic] last week with writing. So here we are trying to do a bit better.

I was pretty slackadaisical last week as well. Friday I had to get up early in order to go to the hospital for a kidney checkup. But then I didn’t nap during the day – so I was tired, and when I get tired I get lazy, and when I get lazy I get unproductive. So I basically took Friday off in order to watch tv, play video games and smoke weed. But then, Friday turned into Saturday and I was having so much fun doing nothing, that I kept on doing nothing.

So here I am today, trying to get out of the “do nothing” hole – and get back into the habit of work.

The problem is, doing nothing isn’t all that relaxing – because in the back of my mind I know I’ve got stuff I could be doing. I’ve got notes I could do for class, I’ve got a thesis I should be working on. So taking a day off fills me with guilt. (Not to mention I made chocolate chip cookies Friday night – from scratch, a-thank-you – and so yesterday I ate like, 20 cookies. Guh.)

I think, with goals, it’s easy to get frustrated with how much left there is to do. Usually I’ll do something like, have a good 2 or 3 days in a row, then have some small setback that will set me totally off course. Or I’ll get frustrated at how much longer it will be before I’m on my own, and I say “to hell with the diet” and overeat.

What I want to focus on now, is just writing all my goals down the night before, then during the day getting all my goals done as quickly and efficiently as possible. No matter how tired, how grumpy or how much I have left to do, I should focus on increasing my self-discipline by doing as many of my goals on the ToDo list as I can.

I need to remember that my feelings follow my actions – and if I take action, suck it up, and do the next thing on my ToDo list, once I’ve started, I’ll feel better about the whole thing.

Then I can relax at night, guilt-free, knowing that I spent my whole day working on my goals – and I can be more ok about the fact that my goals will take a long time. What gets me to my goals will be consistency – and as I focus on doing my goals everyday, pretty soon I’ll build up a consistent routine of getting these goals done. And little by little, I’ll start inching my way towards the finish line – until my consistent work catches up with me, and I inevitably reach my goal.

But most of all, I keep getting in the mindset of “I’ll start this for real, tomorrow.” Well, there is no tomorrow. The race has already begun, there’s no restarting – there’s only today, and what I can do today to get myself closer to my goals. If I have a setback, or I reach the end of the day without having done much, the best thing I can do for tomorrow is to write down my ToDo list, and go to bed early. But until then, don’t give up on today. Try and do as much as I can to achieve my goals, no matter what I’m feeling, or how much I don’t want to do it.

That’s what I’m focusing on today.

And finally, check off my tasks once I’ve done it on my ToDo list. That’ll give me a sense of accomplishment, seeing all those checks add up.

And also – do the worst thing first. This will probably mean exercise first thing in the morning, well then, so be it.

One thing I like about Mondays is that it’s a day to start fresh. From a goals perspective, there’s nothing like going to bed early on Sunday night after having done your goals for the week – then getting up Monday morning and getting going! I’m rather pleased with myself today – because last night I didn’t sleep well at all thanks to honey bunches. But still, I got up when my alarm went off, didn’t hit snooze, and went right to work with math. Didn’t browse the internet or anything – just nothing but working on goals from the word go.

Managed to write my test for my class, do 3 notes for tomorrow’s class, do a killer workout, do my piano and a bunch of other little goals, all without surfing the net every 5 minutes looking for a distraction. I think that’s going to be the next habit I instill. It’s one thing to get tasks done – it’s another thing to get a task done while browsing the internet. The latter always takes longer.

Instead, I do what I call “head down” work – that means no checking your phone, no surfing the web, no texting, no e-mail, no tv – nothing, but focused and working on my task. I allow music though, because if you’re going to work, you may as well enjoy yourself. (If I have music on that I’m focusing on more than the task, I’ll change the music.)

So the “head down” habit I want to instill. I want to get in the habit of doing my task without looking for a distraction, and doing this task until I am 100% done.

That’s the other thing. It’s easy to do a task until it’s about 95% done. But doing it to 100% done is actually quite hard, because the temptation is so great to just quit at 95%.

So the other habit I want to instill is the habit of finishing tasks 100%.

I figure if I can instill these two habits in myself, then my goals life will start to get even better.

Anyhoo, I helped my brother move this weekend, so it hasn’t been the greatest week for dieting. But surprisingly, when I weighed in this morning, I registered at 14.4% bodyfat. I think that likely means I’m retaining water or something, because water wouldn’t register as fat… Maybe. I ‘unno.

In any case, I did get in 4 workouts last week – plus helping my brother move. So I’m doing well when it comes to exercising. I think now if I can simply eat at a caloric deficit on a consistent basis, then I’ll start dropping that body fat percentage. I figure if for 6 days out of 7 I kept a caloric ceiling of 2000 calories, then it doesn’t matter what I eat – because I’m moving enough to burn close to 2500 calories a day or more, so it’d be just a matter of time after that.

What else? The rents are away for two weeks – so any day where I’m not teaching class, I’m going to smoke once I’m done all my math and workout for the day. Plus, it’s like 30 degrees outside – talk about hot. So yeah – it’s been a nice, cannabis-y ramble up to now.

I do love cannabis. After I smoke, I always have a tendency to think about goals. It’s a great introspective drug, I find.

And finally, the other habit I should instill is that I should focus more on my past successes to maintain an air of positivity. I was feeling bummed before I did my workout because I ate so poorly over the weekend. But I did workout 5 times last week, so that’s something. I have a tendency to be hard on myself, I think. And maybe I should ease up a little, relax, and just keeping working on my goals.

Welp, I don’t think I handled the breakup particularly well. J3 texted me asking if this was a “we need to talk” call and I said yes. Then later she texted if this was a good or bad talk, and I said bad. Finally, she texted me asking if I needed to end things with her, and although my instinct was to text back for her to call me, instead I texted “yes.” And she texted back, “Ok done.” And that was it. A bit later, she called me wanting to know my reasons (for closure), and I said that, based on her actions, I felt like I couldn’t trust her anymore. She said “fine” and I haven’t heard from her since.

In retrospect, I think I could’ve handled things a bit better. After she texted me with the “is this a we need to talk” text, I should’ve said yes, then just waited for her to call. I think feeding her the gradual truth through text was the cowards way out. I wasn’t looking forward to the breakup call, but I think I should’ve just sacked up and done it, rather than the terse, text message way I handled it.

Ah well… there’s plenty more breakups to come, and I’m sure eventually I’ll get better at handling it.

Anyhoo, I was a bit bummed yesteday – mostly because when J3 called, I could tell she was upset, and it’s no fun making other people sad. Regardless, I’ve got to prioritize my happiness over anyone else’s, and so I’ll move forward and try to learn a lesson for the next time.

I’m less bummed today – it’s fun having someone to text and looking forward to seeing them again and cuddling and sex is great. But ultimately, I don’t think we were going to last anyway. I was thinking about breaking up with her a couple weeks ago, and so now it’s done and I can move forward.

So now I’m single again… and I do like the thought of being alone. I very much like the idea of locking myself in my room and working on my thesis until it’s finished. Except that I’ve been pretty lazy today when it comes to math. Of course, today I teach my class in the evening, which is somewhat exhausting, so I think that probably plays a role in my laziness.

Anyhoo, now that I’m single again, I have the opportunity to develop patience. As I’ve stated many times, I would like to make a deep, emotional connection with a special girl. However, these things don’t happen overnight – so instead I will focus on becoming the best “me” I can be. If this means I go without a date for a couple weeks, or I have to face rejection by hitting on women, then so be it. But for now, I think I’ll take a little break from all that to get over J3.

Or will I? One thing I know is that, unless I’m working on my goals, I’ll quickly become bored and/or frustrated. Taking a day off to watch tv or play video games all day doesn’t hold that same appeal that it once did. I do like relaxing in the evening by watching TV and playing Hearthstone – but doing that all day? Man, what a waste of a day?

I think my current problem is finishing my thesis. I’ve got basically everything written down and now I’ve got to go through the manuscript and edit it. This is sort of boring – it’s actually really boring to write a paper. The fun part of math is the research – discovering a wild new theorem, or proving something brand new. That’s fun! Writing down what you did in intricate detail, doing a literature review, crossing the i’s and dotting the t’s [sic] – that’s tedious. And that’s where I am now in my thesis.

However, I know that I’ve got to get it done. So I think I will have to set a daily goal along the lines of “edit 4 pages a day” or something like that, so I can be done in a month. Actually, that’s not a bad idea – currently, for my notes, I’ve got a daily goal of “3 pages of notes a day” – which is doable. So if I add onto that 4 pages of editing, that means that my daily math has a limit. Which is good, because working with no set target in mind is a great way to burn out.

Boom! There we go – thank heavens for this blog. It’s a lot easier for me to figure out solutions to my problems if I just start typing. Generally, I’ll start these posts with no idea where I’ll end up. But they do help me sort through my issues and help me discover how to better attack my goals. So that’s all good good good!

If you’re reading these posts, I hope they’re helping you too. In some small way. At the very least, I hope they inspire you to create some goals for yourself and take action. If nothing else, you can enjoy all my dating failures along the way to my inevitable successes.

Welp, looks like I’ve got to break up with J3. She’s going away to Toronto this weekend with some guy – and I don’t think that’s very appropriate.

First, when we last talked, she said she was a monogamous person. And even though we’re not exclusive, spending the weekend with some guy doesn’t strike me as particularly monogamous.

Second, we talked last night, and she mentioned she was going away for the weekend with a friend – but deliberately omitted mentioning that it’s a guy. Which tells me that she’s obviously planning to have sex with this guy on the weekend.

Third, her mother is sick with Leukemia. The fact that she’ll pass up a weekend at home to go to Toronto tells me where her values lie. And I can’t be with someone if we don’t share the same values.

Bottom line, these actions tell me she’s not really interested in an exclusive relationship. And ultimately, I don’t feel I can trust her anymore.

In fact, I told her on the weekend that I had trust issues stemming from a previous relationship. And I don’t think going out with someone else for a weekend getaway is a good way to engender trust between us.

If I don’t trust someone, I don’t want to be with them. And so I don’t want to see J3 anymore – not even as fuck buddies. As it happens, I’m pretty bad at separating feelings from sex – maybe I’d feel differently if I were seeing other women. But I’m not.

So that’s that then. She texted me asking if this was a “we need to talk” message, and I said yes. So she knows what’s coming later on. I learned my lesson from J2 though – I’ll make sure to break up with her over the phone rather than text. And so she’ll call me between 6:00 and 7:00 I expect, and I’ll break up with her, and that will be that.

Oh well – I’m feeling anxious at the moment, because breaking up isn’t fun. I don’t know if her feelings will be hurt, but still, no one likes to be rejected (which is what breaking up is, essentially), and no one likes to be the one doing the rejecting. So my stomach is all full of vomiting butterflies, but I’ll feel better once it’s done.

Truthfully, she was a bit heavy for my liking. I’d rather meet someone fit and feminine. Oh sure, we had some good times together, and she was easy to get along with. But going away for the weekend with some other guy tells me where I am on her priority list.

Ultimately, we make time for the people we care about. Really, I’m more appalled that she wouldn’t spend a couple days with her mother.

Anyhoo, I’ve been mulling over breaking up with her for a couple weeks now, and this weekend getaway just sealed the deal. Bummer.

Welp, time to get back on the ol’ Tinder train, going out for dates on Friday/Saturday/Sunday until I meet someone. It’s either that, or I go into “Monk mode” and just spend all my free time working on my thesis, so I can move out into a cool bachelor pad, and then go about learning how to approach women. We’ll see…

In any case, I’ve got a break up call coming later on today, which is no fun. However, my parents are going away this weekend – so it’s gonna be a great time to get stoned off my ass, play video games and watch Game of Thrones.

Yup – so, no GoT recap today, that’s for sure. I’m thinking tomorrow will be all about the breakup call with J3 and my feelings. I’m thinking I’ll be fine, but you never know.

Although I stayed up late last night, I still managed to get a bunch done. Got up, did my notes for class – then did this crazy new workout that I’ll be doing for the summer. It’s a full-body barbell routine that I’ll do on MWF so that it’ll better fit my schedule. But since I didn’t exercise since last Wednesday, I’ve got a feeling I’m gonna be hella-sore tomorrow! Also did my piano – and man am I ever getting good at piano.

Anyhoo – on Friday I went to that BDSM thing with J3. It was… different. I suppose it’s just a place where people can gather and enjoy their fetishes and chat with other people who enjoy these fetishes. But the fetishes that people enjoy are so weird and varied… There was a lot of sorta strange stuff going on, and basically everyone stuck together in their little cliques. I ‘unno if I’d go back to another one – I think I’d rather enjoy my sexual fetishes in private. (Although, here I am blabbing about them on the internet. Go figure.)

What else? Had a good Mother’s day yesterday – went to brunch, ate a lot of bacon, it was good. But then I had pizza for dinner – and lemme tell ya, I’m super happy I was able to make it through my workout, because my tummy was not feelin’ all that great before hand.

Game of Thrones Season 5 continues. I think I missed an episode recap last week – so tomorrow and Weds. I’ll try and do a recap for the past two episodes. There’s plenty of stuff going on in the show – but naturally, they’ve had to cut out a lot of stuff that happened in the books. As well, due to the show wanting to keep the number of characters manageable, a bunch of subplots from the books have been either eliminated, or changed to accommodate certain story-lines in the show. But it seems that Season 5 will roughly end where Book 5 ends – but how they’ll get all the characters there is anyone’s guess at this point.

I’ve also been binge-watching House MD. (Though not while I did my notes this morning – hooray for self-discipline.) Man is that ever a good show! I mean, it’s basically a medical Sherlock Holmes – and in fact, they make various references to his throughout the show’s run. (House lives in apartment 221B, House and “Holmes” are phonetically equivalent to mean a dwelling, House uses his superior powers of deductive reasoning to make guesses about people’s lives.) It’s awesome – I’m currently on Season 4, where he’s choosing a new team (featuring the smokin’ hot Olivia Wilde.) But Seasons 1 and 2 each featured a “villain” which House had to outsmart – a medical Moriarty, if you will.

Wow – fandom alert. I would love for Hugh Laurie (the guy who plays House) to show up on BBC’s Sherlock (starring Benedict Cumberbatch) and have him be a doctor or Sherlock’s enemy or something like that. I’m sure there’s plenty of fan scripts out there with even better ideas than I’ve just had.

Hmm… anything else? Nothing that I can think of. My days basically consist of – wake up, goals, math, workout, piano, writing, reading, math, video games and tv, bed. Unless it’s a weekend, in which I’ll see a buddy or J3 or something. Tough to blog about that repeatedly for days on end and have it be interesting.

Anything going on with goals? I changed my calendars yesterday – so that instead of monthly goals, I’ll have 5-week goals to accomplish. (Also, happy to report that I weighed in at 15.0% body fat today – despite my disaster of a diet yesteday. Looks like regular exercise is paying off.)

Anyhoo – i’ll probably write down my 5 week goals tomorrow, since I thought of it just now and my time’s running out. I’ll set goals for health, love, math, fortune and fame – and I’ll try and make them a bit more ambitious than the May goals (in the categories in which I achieved my goals for May) and then something more manageable for those categories in which I missed a monthly goal.

Finally, the second week of my class is this week. I’m super excited to teach the kids about limits and continuity – and we’ll see if I can get a better reaction that the first week of boring review.

Welp, J3 and I had a good talk last night. Apparently most doms don’t like sharing, so my conflicted feelings are normal. If she wants, she’ll only see this couple as a friend – and that’s probably what I’ll end up doing. Will this lead to an exclusive relationship? Who knows? I’m seeing her tonight for this BDSM party thing and we’ll see what happens.

I think I’d be ok with an exclusive relationship – even though I have trust issues, and the idea scares me a little. But she’s pretty, fun to be around, and was pretty amazing about this whole situation. Plus, the benefit of having a sub is that she wants to make me happy, which is how it should be. Welp, we’ll see what happens. Of course any news will be posted on this blog, which is all about goals and me sorting through my feelings.

In other news – holy balls it’s hot. It’s 30 goddamn degrees out – and I said I’d wear a suit to the party this evening. Guh, I’m gonna be sweating like a whore in church. Apparently it’s just a heat wave, and things will go back to normal next week…

Anyhoo – nothing makes a timeless blog post like talking about the weather.

What else is going on? I’ve been binge-watching House recently. I love House – not only for his deductive skills, but for his non-stop sass too. But really, this binge-watching is cutting into my productive work time. I like doing my notes for class while watching House – but it just means that it takes 3 times as long to write my notes. I’m going to have to set a goal for myself to not watch any TV until I’ve done all my math and my workout for the day. Suprisingly, I can play piano while I’m watching TV – I’m pretty much done my piano book. I need to learn one more song, perfect a couple more, and then I need to move onto the next book. I think this puts me firmly into the beginner-intermediate stage of piano playing – as opposed to the advanced-beginner stage where I’ve been for the past little while.

Also, in between class and binge-watching my show, and having a social life in the evening, I’ve only done 2 workouts this week – probably 3 ’cause I’ll do one tomorrow. That’s definitely not how I want to do things. I think, for this upcoming week, I’m really gonna focus on getting up and getting going – doing all my math and my workouts efficiently, and as soon as possible, so I can relax and watch my show and play video games and relax.

That’s the thing about exercise – it requires consistency. On Tuesdays and Thursdays it’s tough to get everything done because I leave for class at 5:00pm, so I’ll make those cardio days. Sunday will be a rest day (maybe not this week) and MWFSat will be lifting days. If I could find the required self-discipline to workout 6 days a week, that would be ideal.

Of course, one issue I have is that I like to stay up late. I’ll stay up until 12:00 or 1:00 before falling asleep – which leads me sleeping in until 9:00 – then coffee and goals and waking up takes until 10:00 and boom, half the morning’s gone. So I suppose another thing I should really focus on is going to bed early Sunday through Thursday. (Friday, not so much – Friday’s a pretty lazy day anyway.)

I think I’ll make that my new habit for the month of May. Each month, I try and instill a new habit in myself – and for May, I think that habit will be going to bed early 5 nights a week. I guess it’s a little late to make it a monthly goal since we’re already a week into May – but my wall calendars are each 5 weeks long. So instead of a monthly habit, I’ll make it a 5 week habit. That sounds feasible.

Anyhoo – probably no blog’s until Monday. Tomorrow I’m gonna be tired from staying out with J3 tonight – and I’m going to do my best to do a workout, and then work on my thesis for the rest of the day. Probably go to bed early too – Sunday morning there’s a Mother’s day brunch which will be at 10:00 in the morning, so it’ll be up and atom!

Holy crapspackle is it ever hot out! Missed a day yesterday – had dinner with a friend – that and notes for class left little free time.

Anyhoo, thing about me is that I’ve got raised cortisol levels due to the pills I’m on. Cortisol is known as the ‘stress hormone’ of the body – so when I feel feelings, I feel them very intensely. For this reason, I think it’s hard for me to know what I’m *really* feeling at anytime, because it may be chemically induced. Because of this, it takes me a long time to think through my feelings to figure out what’s really going on. And right now I’m trying to sort through my feelings for J3.

So what’s going on is that I’ve been casually dating J3 for a couple months now. Things are pretty good, I’d say. She’s into BDSM, and we’ve talked about working towards a dom/sub relationship – I think I’d be cool with that. I like to be in control, I like to be dominant in bed, and I like giving orders. But this type of relationship is built on trust (where I have issues) and communication (which I have issues with as well.)

Tomorrow night, we’re going to a BDSM party. There’s some sort of demonstration at this swingers club, and J3 is excited about going, so I’m happy to take her. However, she’s been in contact with a couple who are experienced in BDSM, and they want to play with her. The way this couple’s dynamic works is, she’s the dom, and he’s the sub.

However, yesterday I find out that he is an experienced dom, and he gave J3 a couple (non-sexual) tasks to fulfill during the party. I’m pretty conflicted about this.

J3 and are not exclusive, so she’s free to see who she likes, as am I. She’s expressed an interest in being a sub to this couple, and these tasks she’s got to fulfill is a first step towards her being their sub. But, I’m sort of annoyed – because I’m of the opinion that if we’re going to be in a dom/sub relationship, then the only male that should be giving her orders should be me.

So now I’m conflicted about what’s going on. Since we’re not exclusive, I don’t think it’s fair for me to tell her who she can and can’t see. On the other hand, it does bother me that another man is giving her orders. Maybe it’s a biological response to the thought of her being with another man, but I like the thought of her being subservient to me and only me. She’s expressed interest in being my pet, and as such, I think I should be her only master.

But this sort of implies we should be in an exclusive relationship. As previously mentioned on this blog, the last long term relationship I had (with J1) was very unhealthy, and as a result, I’ve got serious trust issues when it comes to women and relationships. The idea of an exclusive relationship would mean that things between J3 and me would be serious. I would say this frightens me – I honestly don’t know if I could ever trust a woman in an exclusive relationship ever again. So I don’t know if that would be a viable solution.

But the thought of J3 being submissive to another man upsets me. I believe strongly that if we’re going to work towards a dom/sub relationship, than I’m the only man she should be submissive to.

Hence, conflicted. Tonight I’ve told J3 to give me a call – which means I’ll have to talk to her about these issues, which is very much not an alpha thing to do. I mean, I was ready to break up with her about a week ago – and now I’m bothered by these feelings that I’m having, which, again, I don’t know if I’m really having them, or it’s a biological response, or if I really do like J3 that much that I want her all to myself.

*sigh* Relationships… am I right? Craziness.

Welp, I’m sure tomorrow’s blog will be all about tonight’s talk with J3. Stay tuned!