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Sport quotes of the week

By Chris Charles

Look out!

"They were big flares, granted. But you could argue that someone throwing a a paper aeroplane on the pitch might take someone's eye out."David James on the potential dangers of origami after the Ukraine-England game.

"I never speak about referees, but this time the mistake is too big!"England coach Fabio Capello on referee Damir Skomina's decision to send off Rio Ferdinand, before changing his mind and giving Rob Green his marching orders against Ukraine.

"If I had a cat I'd buy another one so I could kick one and then the other."The fur flies from Carlisle boss Greg Abbott after seeing his side concede a soft winner to Norwich.

"Jordan is a fine young man who has been brought up well. But he's a good-looking lad, so I don't know whether the opposite sex might become a distraction!"Huddersfield manager Lee Clark wants teenager Jordan Rhodes to concentrate on goals, not girls, after a hat-trick in the 4-0 defeat of Exeter.

"Whenever I'm feeling a bit down or short on confidence I play Steffon because I always beat him. He's useless."London Irish full-back Delon Armitage on playing computer games with brother and team-mate Steffon.

"Delon says he's better than me on the XBox? What a liar! I'm not having that!"Steffon disagrees.

"When they got £5m compensation for me, they were really happy to accept the money. In fact, I think they called a taxi for me."Harry Redknapp believes old club Pompey got a fare deal.

"He's a great lad. He's got a great, great attitude and has slotted in like an old shoe."Stoke manager Tony Pulis is happy Tuncay Sanli has got his feet under the table.

Ah, the good old days

"Why haven't they got cameras? The officials can speak to each other easily enough now. Why aren't we using laptops that are linked up and can give a decision in five seconds? A chimpanzee could do it - with not much training.

"We might as well go back to being cavemen, grab our girl by the hair, drag her into the cave whether she wants to come in or not because we may as well live in that age. We've come forward, haven't we?"Blackpool boss Ian Holloway makes the case for video technology in his own inimitable style.

"We believe Scotland is the centre of the universe - we can now put it online so that the world knows where it is."Boxing promoter Tommy Gilmour doing his bit for the tourist board north of the border.

"I remember having paid a pound for the football club and arriving the following day at the stadium and thinking whether I could get my pound back."Birmingham chairman David Gold is quids in after selling the club to Carson Yeung.

"I try to put a lot of my thoughts on paper so they're not clogging up my head."England captain Andrew Strauss explains why he keeps a diary.

"It's quite amusing when he wears the stockings and suspenders with them!"David Haye on trainer Adam Booth, who has taken to wearing seven-inch Goth boots during sessions in an attempt to replicate the height of forthcoming opponent, 7ft 5in Nikolay Valuev.

AND SOME FROM YOU

"I would be very surprised if this game finished 0-0."John Salako commentating on the MK Dons-Walsall game. It was 1-0 at the time! (Jamie Crane, England).

"He made one mistake, that is all, and that was for the penalty. The only other one was for the goal."Fabio Capello on Rio Ferdinand following England's 1-0 loss to Ukraine. Sure that's all, Fabio? (Zachary Greaves, UK).

"Manchester United defender Rio Ferdinand and keeper Edwin van der Sar will join chef Marco Pierre White in a special episode of Hell's Kitchen, helping cook a three-course meal of guests."From the BBC Gossip Column. Cooking a meal of guests? Remind me to keep away that day! (Rob Eynon, Oxon and several others).

He was a top boxer...during the war

Guardian columnist Charlie Brooker: "Who was that boxer who went crazy in a match and started crying and biting people?" Dermot O'Leary: "Is it Buster Merryfield?"Dermot mistakenly puts Uncle Albert in the ring during his Radio 2 show. (Russ Barker, East Sussex).

"Not so much Twelvetrees, he's becoming a forest."Sky Sports commentator following Billy Twelvetree's performance for Leicester against Ospreys in the Heineken Cup. (James Fisher, England).

"Apparently the word around the campfire is that he doesn't smell too sweet."David Haye on his next opponent, Nikolay Valuev. (Richard Moore, UEA).

"Mick Potter (St Helens coach) won't have given him any instructions tonight. He'll have just told him to go out and take control."During Sky's coverage of the Super League Grand Final - talking about Sean Long. (Leachy, England).

"You don't throw the baby out with the bathwater, but you want to get rid of the bathwater so the baby can swim the next couple of days and be OK."Greg Norman at the President's Cup. How is the baby going to swim without the bathwater, Greg? (Bosco Keown, USA).

"No matter how much you're expecting it, it's still unexpected when it comes."Jason McAteer on Talksport, upon learning that he had just been sacked as assistant manager by Tranmere Rovers - proving why his old team-mates nicknamed him 'Trigger'. (TigerTerry, England).

"After that we had a chat and, I guess he shouldn't have to sell it to me. But I think he should have made some sort of effort to sell it to me."Stephen Ireland on Republic of Ireland boss Giovanni Trappatoni and his international future. (John Sneddon, England).

"Jacko's fans are here in force - and there's many of them."Sky darts commentator John Gwynne, referring to the heavy support for local favourite Jacko Barry in the World Grand Prix in Dublin. (Allan Morris, UK).

Beanz meanz post

"He's hit the beans on toast, Jeff!"Paul Merson brings a bit of Cockney rhyming slang to the table when talking to Soccer Saturday host Jeff Stelling about the game he was watching. (Danny H, England).

"He could run through a wall and the bricks would need to go to hospital."Boxer Danny Green on Parramatta's Fui Fui Moi Moi before the NRL grand final.(Brett Hartley, Australia).

"Get off your sofa and pick your jawbones off the floor, that was a world-class save."Ray Hudson on GolTv after Real Madrid's Iker Casillas pulled off an amazing save from Sevilla's Diego Perotti on the goal-line.(Mark Chambers, Jamaica).

"This game never disappoints, but I've been disappointed with the game today."Charlie Nicholas covering the Old Firm game on Sky Sports.(Andy Scott, Scotland).

"There's still two quarters left, but Sol can leave whenever he likes."BBC Radio 5 live's Colin Murray after Sol Campbell was interviewed at half-time during the Bulls-Jazz basketball game at the O2. (John Challen, UK).

"We'll be going into added-time soon, I'm sure Alex will tell the fourth official how much soon."Alan Green on 5 live during the Man Utd-Sunderland game. (Adnan, UK).

If you're a burglar, it's no good poncing about outside somebody's house, looking good with your swag bag ready. Just get in there, burgle them and come out. I don't advocate that obviously, it's just an analogy."Ian Holloway on his Blackpool players after the 4-1 defeat to Crystal Palace. (Anthony Ko, UK).

CHANTS OF THE WEEK

"Ian Baird, superstar - walked to the ground 'cos he's got no car!"Havant & Waterlooville fans to former manager Ian Baird, now at Eastleigh. To the tune of Jesus Christ Superstar (Lee, Portsmouth).

They believe in Lucas Neill

"I believe in a man of steel, His name is Lucas Neill, If you think you can score a goal, He'll put you in hospital, I believe in a man of steeeeeeeeeeel, Super Lucas Neill!"Heard at the recent game between Australia and South Korea to the tune of I Believe In A Thing Called Love by The Darkness. Brilliant it was, especially seeing as he wasn't playing (we could definitely have done with him)! (Kevin, Australia).

"When the City are playing frightful, We've got our Dutchman so delightful, And even though he's just on loan, Evander Sno, Evander Sno, Evander Sno!"Bristol City fans to the tune of Let It Snow - about the on-loan Ajax midfield maestro. (Frazer Newport, Bristol).

"Stand up if you paid to watch!"A chant at the Plymouth-Forest game, where Plymouth had dished out loads of free tickets. (Dan Ellard, Plymouth).

"We've won it two times, we've won it two times, Johnstone's Paint Trophy, we've won it two times."Stoke City fans at the Everton game. (Morgan, Manchester).

STADIUM ANNOUNCEMENTS OF THE WEEK

"Give him a break, he hasn't made a mistake yet....he would be better off on X-Factor with you lot shouting at him!"Tonbridge Angels stadium anouncer after a volunteer linesman was being booed by the Bromley fans. (Bobby, England).

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