New Year's Resolutions For Gamers

In issue 249, we took it upon ourselves to supply our
favorite game developers and publishers with a list of New Year's resolutions. However,
game makers aren't the only ones with room for improvement – players also have
a variety of annoying behaviors we could live without in 2014. Rather than trust gamers
to reflect on their own habits, we put together this handy list of resolutions to
choose from.

I promise to figure out how to work the parental controls on
the system I just bought my children.

I vow to mute my microphone when playing online multiplayer
games in a room full of barking dogs, screaming children, or annoying music, as
well as during extreme bouts of mouth-breathing.

Rather than using the phrase "reviews are just opinions" as
the preamble to a lengthy condemnation of someone else's thoughts on a game, I'll
actually believe it and agree to disagree.

I promise to stop naming Electronic Arts the worst company
in America simply because I don't like microtransactions, when there are
companies out there that literally ruin people's lives.

Instead of berating others for preferring a different platform
than I do, I vow to shut up and appreciate how many gaming options we have
nowadays.

Before I livestream a game on my fancy new next-gen system, I
promise to put pants on.

I vow to stop treating user-review scores as a voting mechanism
for whatever gaming trend I'm currently upset about.

I promise to block any game I play from auto-posting messages
to social media sites, because no one
cares.

I vow to stop complaining about the lack of innovation in
triple-A games, since I don't bother buying games that try new ideas anyway.

I promise to stop making sexy cosplay outfits based on
characters that were never meant to be sexy. In fact, I promise to stop
cosplaying in general.

After typing out the snarkiest and most inflammatory reply I
can muster to an online comment that I disagree with, I promise to delete it
without posting it.

I promise to stop using content-creation tools to make
dongs... On second thought, I vow to stop making New Year's resolutions that I
know I won't keep.