March 10, 2013

A "What if...!?" scenario for Demons 2 (1986)

Aaah, Demons 2. What could have been. Although I love Demons 2 like a virgin nerd loves looking for lizards in an old cemetery (Nerdgins love lizards), the movie has always left me with a lot of "what ifs". One in particular has to do with that thick jawed - not to mention thick headed - spermicidal party pooper Jacob Dateraper, who just got invited to Sally's spechul birthday by mistake. We all know what happens with this guy, or should I say, we all know what doesn't happen with him. I'm going to examine the #2 Reason from my Things that suck about Demons 2 post from a while back, and go over a few easy things that could have been done to rectify... his presence in this movie.

"Jacob went BALLS DEEP on me... and now I'm gonna shove those BALLS DEEP down his throat!"

Throughout this splendid film we as the viewers are subjected to scenes of this dumb son of a fuck driving around trying to get him some of that sweet, sweet poon-tang. Now, I've seen entire films dedicated to guys driving around trying to get laid and nothing else(The Stoned Age, anyone?), which have entertained me and are even some of my favorites to this very day. I fucking love The Stoned Age, always have and always will. But what the hell were Lamberto and Dario smoking when they came up with the punk-out bullshit ending to Jacob's "character arc"? He drives his loser/junkie goth friends, and potential up-and-cumming date rape victim aptly-named "Nuggette", around town for an hour at high speeds trying to get to Sally's party. What manner of chaos is this greasy motherfucker planning? His "boy" in the backseat lets his status be known by saying that if they're too late, they'll "all go hungry and there won't be any cake" or any food left as Sally's. Right, so they've got the munchies. But Jacob isn't just heading to her apartment for "cake". That's right, you heard me... the cake is a goddamn lie! Why, oh why, is he taking this horrified blonde chick over to Sally's? That is the real question...

...and I'll tell you why. Because there's nothing date rapists like to do more than introduce their newer acquisitions to their previous conquests. This guy is sick I tells ya! In his mind he's all 'badass' in the role of driver and leader of the freak-show he's got there. He knows that once they arrive at the party he's gonna whip out his cock and everyone there is going to line up mouths agape as he tosses it down across the dinner table, giving all in attendance the chance to lip grasp his stick shift. Then when he busts his nut it's going to be a fat, globby-splooge mess of frosting all over Sally's poor unfortunate cake! Of course his boy will grab a slice because he's a fucking moron, and take a bite while trying to act superior and laughing at all the party guests. All the while Jacob will be clenching his jaw with determination as he brutally sodomizes this ride-along blonde in front of his so-called "ex", causing her to feel, more and more with each thrust of the grimy greasy sausage, like a worthless piece of garbage. That's precisely the strand of what could be considered a 'thought process' running through Jacob's mind as he peels through a red light and crashes into another car. In fact, I'm sure of it just by the conceited self-righteous look on his chiseled face.

What is the point of all those inter-cut scenes with Jacob driving to the party, along with all the inter-cut scenes of the parents out about town, only to have them collide while on the way to the apartment building (and then nothing)? First of all, the parents I could care less about... but that whole thing with Jacob they were at least building up to something. There was the guy asking "What did Jacob do to Sally!?" and then waiting outside make sure Jacob doesn't come in when he gets there. Just look at the guy who's supposed to stop Jacob from entering the building too. He's a total doofus! It would have been worth it just to see the guy try and stop these dudes and get his ass handed to him in the process. There are so many possibilities for this part of the storyline to be so much better! What the fuck happened? Did the guy playing Jacob quit the film to be a male model for race-car magazines? Did secondary run out of money to finish the extra scenes (or did their cameras fizz out and break)? Were the writers going for some nihilistic edge as some sort of fucked up point? Then why not have Hannah give birth to a demonic baby at the end of the film like they had originally plann... Jesus Fucking Christ!!!1

Jacob, look out! There's aDEMONin the back seat!

Unholy shite where did, how the, when umm... hey, wait a minute! That's not a demon. Fuck you Rick Berman. That scared the fucking shit right out of me. Somebody kill it with fire! No wonder Jacob has to go around date raping hot sluts... I bet his alternative was bedding down this chick's sister. Looking like Tim Curry from Rocky Horror Picture Show got ass fucked by Tim Curry from Legend and had a ghastly ass baby is what it looks like. Dark lord. If I didn't go blind from constantly masturbating years ago that would've done it boy let me tell you. Two chokers and she's still breathing, what... the... fuck? Somebody break out the remote controlled shock collar on her Deadite ass for fuck's sake! This stuff is getting out of hand here. Wait, what was I talking about again? Oh right, "What if Jacob had made it to the party?" I think that may have been the whole idea behind this entire post. Who didn't want to see Jacob get his balls ripped to shreds by Sally? Show of hands, and/or balls that you've previously torn off yourself or another poor soul!

"You invited him here!? That fucking guy date raped me you IDIOT!!"

Like I said, a whole shitload of crazy stuff could have gone down with Jacob's arrival. I think they pretty much wrote themselves into a corner with the whole "building being non-accessible" thing though. Nobody goes in or gets out, right? Except people do get out at the end... so these punk ass lowlifes could have found a way to break in. There's always a way, that's what I say. And if you've got to bend some logic so a vengeful young lady can break in her new claws on some greasy meatza balls, then so be it. But, alas, that doesn't happen. Sally doesn't rip Jacob's balls off and shove them down his (or anyone else's) throat. Which, I suppose, kinda begs the question... Was Jacob really all that bad? Did he actually "wrong" Sally? Who are we, as the dumbfounded viewers, to make assumptions? What has Sally ever done to give any of us the perception that she's nothing more than a psycho bitch who's obsessed with her own looks and doesn't give a fuck about anyone else? Not much really.

Look at this Fuckin' Newb. Standing outside of a party the whole f'n night for a guy who never shows up.

After Jacob's very first car accident he seemed to forget all about Sally and was focused on helping out his new girl and friends. Sure, Jacob likes to have hot and nasty sex with any stuck up sweety he can lay his greasy pizza-eating hands on, but that doesn't make him a date rapist! Sheesh. Honestly speaking, Sally seemed pretty high maintenance and totally irrational on her own. If Jacob was ever to be her boyfriend or fuck-buddy, then it must have been some hard work for him. Why else would he be constantly clenching his jaw like that? Imagine the stress of having Sally for a gally. "My Hair My Dress My Face My Vag BlahBlahBlah...." Jacob didn't date rape her, she rape dated him. Once he left her out to dry due to her multiple collective clinging attributes, she obviously went total psycho and blamed TV. What-ev, Sally.

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