BOSTON – The Boston Celtics announced today that they have come to an agreement with Brad Stevens to be the 17th head coach of the team. Per team policy, terms of the deal were not announced. Stevens, age 36, has served for the past six years as the head coach of Butler University, never winning fewer than 22 games and leading the Bulldogs to two national championship games against Duke and Connecticut. He was the youngest coach to reach the Final Four since Bob Knight in 1973.

Taking a chick to the game is a lot like a period. You get a headache, you’re tired, don’t feel like fucking because you hate each other so much. Might as well bring the proper protection. Every time she asks a stupid question you take a shot of period juice and wait for it all to pass.

(Herald) — One of ex-Patriot star Aaron Hernandez’s buddies has flipped and is providing key information to authorities about the now-imprisoned tight end’s secret flophouse — where cops cited cocaine in a search warrant affidavit, according to court papers. During the course of the investigation, subject Carlos Ortiz was questioned on Tuesday, June 25, 2013 in Bristol, Connecticut. Ortiz did confirm that he was with Aaron Hernandez on the night in question. Ortiz then went on to explain that Hernandez has another address that not many people know about. Ortiz referred to this location as an apartment style location, commonly referred to as a ‘flop house.’

In the Franklin apartment, cops found

- white hoodie “consistent in color and type with the sweatshirt that Hernandez is observed to be wearing on surveillance cameras the night of the homicide.

- red baseball cap worn by Hernandez to a nightclub on the Friday night before the murder. Prosecutors had previously said Hernandez’s anger at Lloyd could have been sparked by an incident at that club.

- Five boxes of .45 ammunition (the caliber of the shells found on Lloyd’s body), five boxes of rifle ammunition, and one box of .22-caliber ammunition.

- Keys to a brand-new Hummer registered to Hernandez.

- Paychecks from the Patriots and Puma.

- bag from Kay Jewelers.

- valet receipt from the W Hotel in Boston (walking distance to the suspected club the men attended)

- Western Union receipt.

- Hertz car rental agreement.

It’s almost like Hernandez is a genius or something. Ever seen the movie Fracture? When Anthony Hopkins turns himself in and is like “yup I shot my wife” and puts the entire case on a silver platter for Gosling? But then when they get in court he can’t prove shit and Hopkins has a perfectly legal excuse for everything. That has to be what Hernandez is doing. Gotta be some master plan. Because the only things missing from this house were a signed confession, a picture of Aaron Hernandez shooting Odin Lloyd in the head, and a video of Hernandez saying “Hi, I’m Aaron Hernandez and I just killed that guy and I’m also high on cocaine.”

These guys are so bad it’s laughable. You know how some days you’ll have a big day at work? You’ll actually eat breakfast that day, do some pushups, maybe give yourself a pump-up speech. One of the most racially-fueled, public trials I’ve ever seen probably falls into that “important” category. But first they put Precious on the stand with her “hate speech” and now they can’t figure out how to use Skype without inviting every internet troll on the line. Guys, maybe a private profile? How ’bout going fullscreen so everyone at home can’t see the guys fucking screenname? Or, who knows, coulda been smart to make Scott Pleasants drive the 15 minutes it would take for him to get from the community college he teaches at to the courthouse. Really anything would have been better than getting trolled on Skype and having to put an iPhone on the stand. Doesn’t really scream professionals.

The most completely inept performance I’ve ever seen on the base path. That was the butt fumble of base running. You saw a man much bigger than you and decided to run clear into him. I mean where were you going bro? You saw that it was a pop fly to short. If there were two outs you need to be off at the crack of the bat, if there were less then you need to be back on base immediately. You wouldn’t think there’s a way to look worse on the bases than wearing your batting gloves but Nick Jonas just proved us all wrong.

California – Citrus Valley High School teacher Laura Whitehurst was arrested Monday night for having unlawful sexual intercourse with an underage student, according to police. She gave birth on June 18 to a child police believe to be fathered by the victim, who was 16-years-old at the time of the assault, officials said. “The investigation indicated that the child is the child of the victim and (Whitehurst),” said Carl Baker, city spokesman. Whitehurst, now 28, began her relationship with the child last summer during a school activity…. Their relationship lasted for nearly a year until the victim’s mother reported it to school officials, who relayed the information to RPD Monday, police said… Her father, Dale Whitehurst, has been a permanent fixture with the school district for many years from teacher to administrator.

I honestly can’t think of a better way to kick off the 4th of July holiday than a story like this. I mean, what’s more American than to celebrate our nation’s birth than with a good old fashioned teacher-impregnated-by-a-student story? This is Laura Whitehurst reminding America that not all Sex Scandal Teachers are created equal. That some are endowed by their Creator with certain inalienable rights. That among these are a baby’s Life, Liberty from birth control, and the Pursuit of Sexual Happiness. Perhaps it’s fate that tomorrow is the Fourth of July, and you will once again be fighting for our freedom. Not from tyranny, oppression, or persecution; but from common sense. We are fighting for our right to bang our teachers. And should we win the day, the Fourth of July will no longer be known as an American holiday, but as the day the world declared in one voice: “We will not go quietly into the night!” We will not vanish without a fight! We’re going to live on! We’re going to survive! We are going to impregnate the women who are hired to teach us English! Today we celebrate our Independence Day!!!

The Grades:
Looks: Simply put, and without argument: Grade: A
Moral Compass/Bad Judgment: There’s an old axiom about the difference between involvement and commitment that says: In a breakfast of eggs and bacon, the chicken is interested. The pig is committed. In the SST game, the teacher who has protected sex is interested. The one who has a student’s baby is committed. Grade: A
Intangibles:Nothing, but nothing makes a parent prouder than their own child following in their footsteps, and then doing even better than them. Congratulations, Dale Whitehurst. Your daughter made a name for herself in the profession. This must be very special for you. Grade: A
Overall: A We’ve got exactly half a year to go, but Laura is a mortal lock for the end of the year all star team.Have information about a hot female teacher having sex with her students? Preferably with pictures? Help make the world safe for Teacher Sex Scandals by Tweeting me @jerrythornton1.

TSG – A Florida woman is jailed on a felony battery on a law enforcement officer charge after she allegedly kissed a cop on the nose. Peggy Hill, 62, was arrested late Saturday evening outside her Bradenton residence by Manatee County Sheriff’s Office deputies who had arrived at the home in response to a call about a dispute between Hill and a neighbor about a fence between their properties. As Hill was conversing with Sergeant Randy Lamb, “she approached him and kissed him on his nose against his will.” Lamb, an 18-year veteran, stepped away from Hill and “wiped off the saliva from his nose,” according to an arrest report. With the help of another deputy, Lamb “gently” took Hill to the ground and handcuffed her. In a post-arrest interview, Hill said that Lamb “was being aggressive towards her,” and that “the thought just popped in her head to kiss him on his nose, so she kissed him on his nose.” Hill told deputies that she had consumed “about 3 glasses of wine” before deputies arrived at her home.

What a shot to this broad’s self esteem, huh? You peck a dude on the nose and next thing you know you’re cuffed and stuffed with a felony charge. You’re literally so hideous that you get jail time for kissing men. That’s how much of a disgusting specimen you are. Because make no mistake about it. If a hot 22 year old chick kisses a cop, that’s fine. Officer probably just laughs it off or maybe tries to parlay it into a blowjob. But when the kisser is a lady that looks like she lures children into her gingerbread house, well then we got problems. If I was that cop, I’d have thrown her in the clink too. Can’t have gross bitches putting their lips on you and getting away with it. Nah. Gross bitches gotta pay.

PH — Hmm, new couple alert?? Ryan Seacrest has reportedly moved past his former flame Julianne Hough and is now mingling with Sports Illustrated model Dominique Piek! According to a source, the two have been “[getting] along really well” as they’ve been spending some together lately: “[Dominique] and Ryan have been out to dinner together twice in one week recently.”

My life sucks. Do chicks who want a borderline gay guy just not have my number? It makes no sense to me besides the part where it makes perfect sense because Seacrest is filthy rich. But if it’s just that they’re attracted to goofy guys who suck at sex? Well then me and Seacrest are mirror images. Hit me up girl.

Actual Craigslist Ad – Comic villain drawer looking to hone my tattoo skills. I have a degree from UEVD, top of my class. Feeling bad for Aaron Hernandez. Let’s show him love and support Patriots Nation. Free tattoo of Hernandez mural on arm, chest or leg. You pick the picture of Hernandez and I tattoo it for free. That’s my tight end man. And if you’re really feeling my man, I will tattoo a replica Hernandez jersey onto your back.

I’m going to try not to let this destroy my faith in either the tattoo artist profession or the proud graduates of UEVD, in whom I have the utmost respect. Tattoo artists are doing the Lord’s work my man. And it would be wrong to denigrate a noble profession like theirs just because one asshole still thinks of Aaron Hernandez as his tight end man. So if anyone answers this ad because you’re really feeling his man, I hope he inks you with infected needles and you end up deader than Odin Lloyd my man. @JerryThornton1