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Tuesday, December 30, 2014

Reflections after Christmas

This
is the first day after Christmas family togetherness, December 30, 2014. The
last family members left yesterday morning (the 29th). We don’t have
Thanksgiving Day or Christmas Day around our house. We have Thanksgiving and
Christmas WEEK. Not that I’m complaining—never—but I will admit I adapt very
well and very quickly to the sounds of silence. This morning I luxuriated in
the opportunity to stay in bed until 9:30, and then indulged in two mega cups
of coffee. Now I sit in my favorite writing chair and see the limp stockings,
the unlit children’s Christmas tree, a ripped open box, and the wads of tissue
paper in Christmas bags…and, as always, I wonder how I could have improved our
time together.

Once again, I examine my mothering habits.
Did I seem relaxed while the family was here? Did I show love impartiality to
the grandchildren? Did we have enough “intentional time” when we tried to focus
on the real meaning of Christmas? If habits and patterns are more “caught than
taught,” did we demonstrate the ones we want to see repeated? Were the emotional
needs of each family member met?

As our family matures, it becomes
more complex. At least it seems that way to me. Perhaps the presence of two
still-single sons makes me much more sensitive to everyone’s emotional needs. I
find it hard to give myself completely to the grandchildren because in some
weird way I feel that the single boys still need the comfort and love from me
until they find their life’s mate, and I can’t satisfy it the way I can for the
little children. I find myself trying to figure out how to do the equivalent
thing of snuggling on the couch and reading a book to sons who are adult men who,
until they find wives, need the emotional closeness that a mother provides. It
makes me sad to feel inadequate at being able to meet their needs.

I finally realize why it’s sad when
I began to take down the tree. It’s like another opportunity to get it right
has passed and I failed. Like our big opportunity to share deep connection with
one another came and we let it slip through our fingers.

It’s times like these that remind me
a mother never retires. At least I can’t. No matter how much I love my
daughters-in-law and our grandchildren, I still feel like a mother hen when our
boys are here. I still want to gather them under my own wings, just to make
sure they’re safe and loved and happy.

In many ways, Christmas is hard to me.
Hard because it’s the opportunity for everybody to feel the presence of the
Divine Love that delineates the season, yet so few people are aware of it. Hard
because the flurry of activity makes it go by so fast. Hard because I never
feel that I’ve done enough to fill everyone’s emotional tank. I feel guilty
because we have so much and we don’t share enough with those who don’t. Guilty
because I never got out the cards and messages I wanted to send to the many
endearing friends we’re blessed with.

As wonderful as it is, Christmas has
become a time of emotional overload. So I deal with it the same way every year.
I incrementally pack up and put away the evidences of Christmas season—strip
the tree, store the nativity set, fold the stockings. I try not to dwell on the
closing of the season. It’s hard to burn the tags that say “From So-and-so to
So-and-so” because I know that by finding them again next year will bring back
sweet memories…but one Christmas of memories is enough at the time.

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About Me

I am the mother of five amazing adult sons. I have had the privilege of watching them "grow in wisdom and statue and in favor with God and man." This process has
been challenging, hilarious, difficult, and rewarding. It is my hope that by sharing some of our many adventures, I will provide encouragement to younger mothers who are in the process of rearing their families.