Axel's unnecessary journal

January 22, 2016 ~ :'(
Today is the day I feared the most. In less than twelve hours, I'll be forced to go to that birthday party. We fought and fought, but ultimately she won. She was never supposed to lose, as she is my parent.
Dang, I wanted to play my newly downloaded Custom Maid 3D.

What exactly is it about this party that has you so wound up, though? I mean, is there something particularly different about it from any other party? You can't just sit on the sideline and wait it out, bored? Are there people there who will specifically come up to you and bug you? Or is there some sort of activity that you're required to do there (like, give a speech?)?

Of course, by the time you see this post, the party will probably already be over. I hope it wasn't too bad for you. Let us know what, if anything, happened.

Not over yet, she's opening, like, a million gifts. EDIT: Watched some fireworks, mission complete.

I just dislike any party or lunch/dinner with others. I don't go to a lot of parties anymore, and there aren't a lot to go to, so I'm kind of out of shape.

I actually though it wasn't as bad as I "hyped" it up to be. The food was fine, and the atmosphere was as fancy as a fancy restaurant's atmosphere should be. That is, until people started dancing for what felt like an eternity. During that eternity, all I did was stare at the fine brick floor and at jiggling bbbbbbhair. Not very entertaining.
Then she started to make photos with her parents, brother, grandparents, boyfriend*** (ugh, here comes my inferiority complex), everyone. Us included. And it's really hard to fake a smile after four hours of vegetative state and my family angrily forcing me to be a part of that photo.
I think we're almost done, and I'm glad. I did waste five hours of my life doing nothing, getting bored out of my mind and depressed in the meantime.
Of course, I'm never going to have a party like that for my 18th birthday. I'll just raise my middle fingers to everyone and go to London for a few days.

In the end, yes, creating and talking to my new waifu would've been more fun.

***I broke the promise I made to Jeremy, not being able to get her number for you. Sorry.

To make it up to JeremyR, you could always create a new waifu now and give her number to him.

I don't recall doing anything particularly special on my 18th birthday. Of course, the last time I had a birthday party was middle school at the latest; by the time I was in high school, I had adopted a policy of not telling anyone my birthday, so no one would have even known to talk about celebrating it.

To make it up to JeremyR, you could always create a new waifu now and give her number to him.

I don't have any imagination, so I can't create one on my own.
Despite the incredibly low number of dresses (and dress colors) in mod-less 3D 2, I still managed to hastily create (not a game to play when others are at home, y'know) Rachel Alucard from Blazblue and Chie, because IDK.
Suggestions are appreciated, will post results when possible. Considering this game has angel and demon wings, making Etna and Flonne from Disgaea would be easy, but I kinda want to use that boob meter. Tired of lowering those numbers to zero.

Yes, this topic of conversation belongs here, as we're still talking about what this sick depressed person is doing.

School break/playtime. Half of my schoolmates were elsewhere.
Got ridiculed because of how I was laying on a school desk. A guy pretended to f**k me in the a*s, and the aforementioned girl (who, by the way, only laughs at me when we are not the only ones around, what a stereotype) took a pic. I was oblivious, of course, until they told me.
After chasing after the guy to hit him, not for real of course, I surrended, uttered, as seriously as I never did, "Go f**k yourselves, everyone" and exited the classroom. Afterwards they felt sorry, deleted the pic and apologized.
I'm getting angry at stupid, innocuous jokes? Yes. I don't give a sh*t.

I'm coming at school with the best intentions, as, maybe, the negative hype for that birthday party really was the cause of how I felt.
Looks like it isn't. I'm merely tired. Of everything.
And I am, what, almost 18? I can't do this 3 more times. Even worse, three quarters of my life I spent not knowing about this feeling.

High school can be rough. Sometimes, I feel really lucky that the time in my life when things came crashing down was middle school, and my high school experience actually helped restore my sense of self. So, you need not assume that the future will be no different from the present. Just do some level grinding.

"Oh, [our grandparents' dog] died", my dad casually said just as I entered home, not mentioning it again. Later my mother, smoking at the window, explained to me everything.
My grandma called her and told her, in tears, that he died last friday. He spent his last days dangerously close to their cars' wheels for an unknown reason (never did this before, was he trying to die?) and my uncle, while manouvering his jeep, hit him with his back wheels.
I didn't spend a whole lot of time with him, for after a few years he started doing nothing but sleeping (we used to call him ornament, haha), but I did choose his name, and I did "dance" with him sometimes, as I helped him stand on his hind legs.
Nobody else cares. My mom asked me three times if I was this sad because I didn't want to go to school tomorrow (we went home sooner because of a pipe problem).
Holding my tears right now. I'm afraid to know what I'd do when I'll lose someone much closer to me.
I don't want a pet when I'll grow up specifically because of this. I don't want to lose my only companion.

You can't be afraid to enjoy life out of the fear that someday you'll lose something. You're only going to make yourself miserable since you'll be alone and afraid, and loss is still going to come with the territory no matter how hard you try to avoid it.

Trust me, as a pet owner I've sometimes thought similar things. But the benefits are so great that I'll take all the heartache that comes with the territory. The love of a good pet isn't something to turn your back on just because someday you'll lose them.

I'll also point out that not owning a pet is no defense against losing other entities you care about. I lost a good friend in high school. I also lost a good friend in college. And during college, I lost another good friend from high school. I later lost a coworker I knew well, too. Cherish those whom you still have, including pets.

You're not even out of school yet, so while you feel trapped right now, it's anything but too late.

Got to start thinking positively instead of surrendering. There has to be a healthy and happy solution to your woes, you just haven't found it yet.

Are you going to college? For many people, that's a huge change. You should be working hard since the challenge should be significantly more than you're used to facing and life surrounding school should also be significantly different. If you don't dwell on being unhappy, you could be in for a very pleasant surprise when you wake up someday and realize that you again feel happy in your new setting.

And that's also when kids start to realize that it's time to grow up instead of doing stuff like you've talked about where you often feel like you're their target. And those that haven't came to that realization at that late date will soon be weeded out anyways when they fail a round or two of their classes.

Colleges, as in those schools you live in, don't exist in Italy. Or maybe they're exceptionally rare, I don't know.
Anyway, what we do have are universities, which are nothing but advanced schools, the classes of which are entirely optional, only exams aren't. Also, they're not even remotely as expensive as yours.

Our schools are: elementary, middle, high, then optional (unless you chose to take classical or scientific high schools) universities.

You're not even out of school yet, so while you feel trapped right now, it's anything but too late.

Unfortunately my social awkwardness, one of the main reasons I feel what I feel, isn't going to magically vanish any time soon, if at all. Too late for that, too, I'm afraid.

There has to be a healthy and happy solution to your woes, you just haven't found it yet.

I only went to the gym for half a year, when I was 12, got bored in a short period of time. I liked swimming more, as I "lasted" 5 years and a half.

My social awkwardness really is the cause of everything.
I don't like birthday parties? That's why.
I don't like staying at other people' houses? That's why.
I am submissive? That's why.
I don't have a best friend, only have 6 of the regular ones, who are the only people I ever talk to? That's why.
I regularly waste time on the Internet chatting with and complaining to people I'll never meet instead of, I don't know, actually enjoying my life? That's why.

I'm socially awkward too. I have a voice that I don't like since I speak with a lisp and it's very soft sounding (I've never even spoken in Xbox Live for example and was very happy that Mario Kart 8 lacked it since I didn't want you to hear me talk), plus I've always been overweight. But I've only hurt myself by letting it be a deterrent and an excuse. And all of my friends are from school and I haven't added any new ones as we've all moved on since then, so outside of family companionship, it's basically a part of my past right now.

So I know it's easier said than done and the advice is coming from a bit of a hypocrite, but start to search for the good things to focus on instead of what you're not. I know that's what I need to do. For an example, I'm religious and proud of my faith and the morals it provides me at a time when the world increasingly seems to be going in the wrong direction. It gives me strength, helps me through challenging times, gives me hope, gives me goals to go after, etc.

You seem like a caring person, your posts are well written and clearly come from an intelligent individual, you have good taste in games and presumably other things as well, we all enjoy your company, etc. You're a good person so I wish you wouldn't feel ashamed or deprived of things that you feel other people have. A lot of them are probably hurting just as bad as you are, so you're not really in a unique position.

You'll perhaps never be the life of the party, but that's okay. Not everyone likes crowds, likes being the center of attention, etc. But surely you can achieve some of what you feel like is lacking and in time you perhaps might learn to appreciate some of what you feel are drawbacks now. And even without an American style higher education system (That may or may not be beneficial), your life surely is facing change in the next few years.

It doesn't have to be all bad. :)

And reconsider pets. Tiger was the best friend that a person could wish for.

I have a voice that I don't like since I speak with a lisp and it's very soft sounding (I've never even spoken in Xbox Live for example and was very happy that Mario Kart 8 lacked it since I didn't want you to hear me talk), plus I've always been overweight.

Oh, but I like soft English-speaking voices.
Even if MK8 had voice-chat, you wouldn't have heard me, anyway. I turned down DarthDanMan's invitation to do that on PS4, a year or two ago, for that same reason.
I'm in the same boat as yours, there.

you have good taste in games and presumably other things as well,

nope

A lot of them are probably hurting just as bad as you are, so you're not really in a unique position.

They are a lot less vocal about it, that's for sure.
One of my friends was kinda like me, last year. Then he let his hair grow, and now he has a lot of friends and had two or three "adventures". And he's maybe more of a nerd than me, mind you.

And reconsider pets.

Of course I will, at some point. I'm just temporarily shocked that he committed suicide. Because that's what it is. He knew what cars were, he always saw them during his 7, 8 years.They are going to find another one in a few weeks/months, like they always did.

Only time will tell.
inb4 a post of mine with the date on top shows up right below.

Almost everybody feels like they're a lot more socially awkward than they really are. Everybody has insecurities. I've been friend zoned by some truly beautiful females (I tend to swing for the fences with the ladies, still waiting for luck to kick in), and I've had to listen to them go on about minor things that only they can see.

I have pretty good social skills, but I've never been very outspoken. I'll rant all day about games, anime, and such, but it has to be in a circle of people passionate about those things. It's hard for me to talk about games and anime especially to just anybody, because I don't want any labels put on me. I hate being connected to stereotypes, even though a good deal of them apply to me in certain areas.

I've always paid a good deal of attention to my appearance and hygiene. I'm obese, I hate how that word sounds, but that's what I technically am. So I always make sure my clothes fit properly, and I won't step foot out of my house and not take a shower. I remember a friend of mine didn't want to cut his grass, so he paid me to do it, when he asked if I was ready for him to come pick me up, I told him I needed a half hour to take a shower. Of course he thought it was weird, why take a shower when you're about to mow a lawn? Doesn't matter, I'm not leaving the house without taking a shower. Even if it's just to go to the store at the end of the road. I don't wear designer clothes (It's a waste of money), but what I do wear I make sure fits as well as they can without me going to a tailor. I don't want to be the smelly, messy fat guy.

The main reason I've yet to actually show up in a YouTube video is because I'm self conscious. And I really would like to. Not only am I obese, I have a pretty bad over bite, which is why I have a lisp (Might have something to do with why I sound nasally too). I don't mind the lisp though, because when I'm confident in what I'm saying, I have a charisma that kind of negates it. Which is strange. I know I can be very charismatic, I've used it to weasel out of a number of situations, but I don't have the confidence to really take advantage of it. Which is something I'm working on. I'm dieting now, seriously thinking about going to the gym, and once I get my finances right I plan on getting braces.

It's a process. You just have tackle the problems you have with yourself, everything else will start to fall in place. Problem is, tackling your own problems is the hardest part.

I was going to upload my new post as audio file (I don't know why, I guess I just wanted to), but as I sounded more like a drunken Russian with a British accent, I guess I will not. I would really like to speak with you guys some time, not about this, of course but I think today's not the day.

inb4 a post of mine with the date on top shows up right below.

February 4, 2016
Anyway, today I got up my courage as much as I could and I approached one of my friends at the window, at school. I told him to take me seriously for once, and not to lie or to be afraid of hurting my feelings.
I asked him whether I was socially awkward or not. I guess you can tell what his answer was. Later my other friend, while much more directly (then again, that's what I wanted), also replied the same way. I don't blame them, it's not their fault. I asked them a question and they answered accordingly.
I just... wanted to know the truth, that's all. And now I do. I don't feel that much sadder. Rather, I'm... kind of relieved about finally knowing that I didn't make everything up.

February 22, 2016
These past two weeks were kind of ok, compared to the days before them. I guess talking about that really helped.
That is, until Friday came. I didn't tell my sick friend, who had faith in me, about much of the homework they gave, I was called by the other friend "stupid" (he wasn't joking) when we were playing cards. I already told you about me overblowing stuff, so these small things added up, and the last hour at school I spent alone, behind everyone else, holding my tears from flowing merely because of my sick imagination, while four people turned towards me, laughing. It was a painful hour. I just wanted to exit the computer room. And my sick imagination also ruined this very day.

What do I mean by imagination? Hard to explain. Let's say that I fear to lose my only friends, that I'm afraid of being made fun of anything I do. I also make up situations that could never happen due to me being a submissive weakling. Maybe more. Why not just lay my head on my arms and let time pass? Still better than ending it all. Luckily my love for my family is keeping that thought from surfacing.

Can't explain these things well at all without making them sound clichéd and boring and incomprehensible, forgive me.

February 25th, 2016
I'm having a serious mental breakdown. And do I mean serious. Really difficult days.
On the other hand, I'm finally managing to keep a straight face. I got what I wanted.

I'll give you an excerpt. The last thing that happened.
My friend and I were tasked to create a Java program about concurrent programming. We were almost done (after a month or two), so the teacher asked us to explain what we've done so far. He went to do so in front of the class, I stayed behind. At the end of his explanation, the teacher congratulated him, saying "And he did this all by himself!" He replied "No, I did this with Alessio". It's not true. While he gave his all in the making of this, putting a lot of time and effort everyday, I merely watched his progress. I told my friend countless times. He cares not. "Why didn't you come, too, then, Alessio?", she asked. I could do nothing but shrug. In another world, I would have told her the truth. "It's your turn next time".
Oh, good old days, back when I was the one good at school. Now I am but a waste of space.

Cutting a wrist hurts, and I would never do that, so I merely slowly scratched the opposite part of it with my steel ruler, for about half an hour. No bleeding, no screaming, no pain, same relief. I don't care anymore.

So many more things to explain, so little will. I'll leave it at that. No one cares, anyway.

Woah, it's been a long time. Like I said before, thank my unexplained illness for that. But after that week of complete peace, I went back to school, and I slowly returned to the abyss.
Every freaking person I know has a girlfriend.
I am unable to keep any kind of relationship, friendship included, so I don't even try to look for someone. I'd be rejected because my looks/weight/clumsiness, anyway. Don't need something which'd help me cry even harder.
You guys and gal seem to be relatively happy even without someone, right? I just need a dog, a cat and a chinchilla.

Oh, and I'm 80% sure I'm bipolar. Going from wanting to die to saying stupid jokes in the span of a few minutes isn't a non-bipolar-y thing. e.g. this very post in and of itself, or how much time passes between something I post on this topic and something on, say, the Off-Topic or the "What are you playing" topic.