I really love the style you've tried out, I think it works wonderfully to strengthen the chaotic pain of this piece and really highlight a lot of the pain Megan was experiencing. It's hard to imagine Sirius being so cold, but if I pretend it's not him, I can really get a sense of the heartache and hurt he put her through.

The ending bit with Lily and James was really great, because how hard is it to see people loving one another after you've just been crushed? I think that was a very good thing to include.

I would suggest removing the large spaced out areas, the formatting is a bit jarring because of it.

Great one shot!!!

Jami

Author's Response: Ah! The formatting issues xD I still need to get onto editing them all out! I know how to fix them now but it used to be a big problem...

And thanks for the lovely review!^^ This was one of my (oddly) favorite things to write. And yes I know Sirius is cold... but I've been meaning for a long time to write this in Sirius' POV, I really think neither of them were perfect, they kept hurting each other :(

Aww thanks! A lot of people tell me that they like how I included James and Lily in the story, but to me it was just natural. Doesn't it always happen that way? You get heartbroken and you see happy couples everywhere? :/

I thought that this was a very interesting experiment in style!! I'm always thrilled when authors take risks and try to do something a little more artsy than straight narrative. I think the bold lines throughout this and the final parenthetical work really well to carry this story... they are the rhythm, the driving pulse underneath the current of the story. I also appreciated the use of italics to emphasize the past and the normal text as the present. Because it is styled the way it is, it may not be totally necessary to introduce a memory explicity as you did here: An old memory hit me in the face, slapped me almost physically. I think that the construction of this story lets readers know that the next passage is a memory... and so I'd trust your readers to pick up on that. :)

I thought you worked through the emotions in this piece really well, also the description. My only other suggestion would be to clean up the formatting some. The large breaks between paragraphs located througout most of this story is a little jarring -- but really, that aside, this was a good little one-shot!

Well done.
Melissa

Author's Response: wow, I,m a little blundred xD thank you!! :3 I will try to fix the formating, now that i,ve learned how ;) I used to have that issue all the time ^^

You are spectacular! This is really, really, really good! I am really impressed by this:D I love, love, love this! I think you used the quotes well, the flow was wonderful and the touch of reality was just astonishing! I think that was my favorite part, the "but this is real life"! Hallelujah! Praise the lord! Not some cliche, some-amazingly-hot-guy-comes-along-and-he-says-he-has-loved-me-forever-but-he-was-tooshy-to-tell-me-and-now-everythings-perfect-hugs-kisses-unicorns-and-rainbow-burps!

Alright, now that I'm done freaking out the you avoided cliches, and you wrote this fantastically...

10/10! Easily! I loved this!

Until next time,

Ever

Author's Response: *Has a smile that cracks her face open and makes her look like the Cheshire Cat*

Oh my gosh thank you!! :') That's exactly what I was trying to portray, life isn't perfect, and people get hurt. All the time... it's sad but it's true, and I'm so glad you liked it^^

Oh and I can't believe you just gave me a perfect grade!! It's something I personally only give to a few rare stories so... :D

This is a really, really great One-Shot. I liked all of the flashbacks and the bits in bold, It really pulled the whole story together. There was some great emotional description and I could feel Megan’s pain through the words you used to write this. Your style of writing is very interesting to me and this is what pulls me into reading on and on in the first place. I spotted no grammatical errors through the whole thing (but my grammar sucks so don’t trust me) which made the whole thing much more likeable. This is a stunning little gem you have cooped up away amongst all your other fan fictions, but the summary, title and the amazing banner pulled me to read this particular one and I’m glad I did. Please keep writing more like this and you’ll keep my happy. A very nice job and well done in my contest.

Snoopy x

Author's Response: wow! This made me smile so huge I probably look like The Joker right now^^
It feels so awesome when people tell me they like my style... :3 thank you so much for reviewing this!!^^ This One-Shot is actually one my favs that I wrote, so it always makes me happy when it gets reviews!! :)
haha as for grammar well I've edited this a thousand times to try and kill them so there can't be very many left! :P
aww thanksies!! :3

hi, this is a fantastic one shot, really well written and portrayed, it hits home and I expect it would with any girl who has had her heart broken. please keep writting, cant wait to see what else you come up with, LoraBlack.

Author's Response: Wow! Thank you!! I'm really happy you found it realistic and you have no idea of the impact your little comment on asking me to keep writing had on me... I might just go and write another sad one shot just because of it! :D

I really like the way this is organized and laid out. Especially after Megan finds out that Sirius was cheating – the flashbacks of happy memories was very effective in showing Megan’s heartbreak and how she wishes she could go back to the way things used to be.
“I wish it was nighttime, I wish it was dark; I wish it rained and thundered.” This line is awesome! Anyone who’s ever been through a breakup can identify with this. It really seems like the world should stop spinning when you’re so devastated like that. It really makes your character easy to identify with.
Something I was confused about initially (and it’s minor, so it might not matter) is that at the beginning, I had the impression that Sirius and Megan were older, out of school. Even when it mentioned the Three Broomsticks, I didn’t immediately connect that with a Hogsmeade weekend. That might totally be my bad, but that’s just what I came away with at first. So it threw me off a little bit when I realized they were at school.
I’d also like to know more about Megan. We’ve all read those playboy-Sirius-fics, so we know that it takes a special kind of gal to hold onto Sirius for very long, and that alone makes it worthwhile to know Megan more. We see her personality in how forgiving she is at first, when Sirius has an attitude, and we see her strength of character and her pride when she stands up for herself after he cheats, but what else can we learn about her? Also, I really like that you didn’t say which House she’s in. I think some people just go “Oh, she’s a Slytherin” and automatically make it an opposites-attract fic, and some people say “Oh, she’s a Gryffindor” and have two proud people butting heads. By not assigning her house, I feel like you really avoided typecasting her!
Other than that, there were just a few spelling/grammar mistakes... A little distracting, but not bad overall. You might think about asking someone to beta for you. Overall, though, bravo! Well done!

Author's Response: I think my eyeballs nearly fell off when I saw what a huge review you gave me! :D Thanks for being so awesome! :D

Your review really made me happy! I hadn't tought about this fic in a while, so it feels good to get such a nice review on it!

I really tried to make it as realistic as possible, I've never been cheated on myself so I tried to imagine my reaction if it happeneed to me and... this came off. I'm hgappy it worked!! xD

As for your first impressions... I'm not sure what to say xD maybe I wrote them too mature... dunno.

Thanks for taking interest in my character!! :D You make me want to add a brand new WIP to my collection you evil person!!! xD As for her house, it just didn't feel important. (Even now I'm not sure in what house I would put her)

Yeah I've had the grammar comment a few times... I guess I'll have to re-read and fix them :)

Oh and THANK YOU!! You're review is awesome and totally just made my day!! :D

I really liked the emotion of this piece. It was nice to see the raw emotion, she really hasn't had time to think about it, it's pure anger and despair.

Even though it was an abrupt start, you did it relatively well, I do say though, that maybe a little more of an introduction would have been nice.

Also, it would have been nice to have a little more background on their relationship, perhaps in another flashback. That would have been nice.

The last sentence, "It didn't work ..." would have been more effective if it had been finished with a full stop rather than ellipsis.

Overall, this was a good piece with lots of good raw emotion.

coley - ravenclaw

Author's Response: Thanks for the great review!^^ And I've actually edited it this morning so as to add a bit more introduction and flashbacks so it should be better once it's validated^^ As for the last sentence, i hadn't really thought about that, but your right so i think I'll go edit that now!^^ Cookies for your review! :D

Aw this was such a sad fic.
The writing style was good. The emotions and feelings flowed out very nicely throughout.
I also liked how you expressed Megan's pain. It was deep and understood. The feelings came across while reading strongly.
The inclusion of that little flashback was a nice idea too. It added more substance to the story.
The grammar and pacing was nicely done as well.
The only complaint I have is that it was a little too short. I think it would have been much better if you could have included 2 or 3 more flashbacks at various points to give a bit more of a backstory to Sirius and Megan's relationship and how it built. Also perhaps an insight into why Sirius broke up (a flashback of something that happened?) would do well too.
Rest, this was a good read. A well-written piece.
Good work, thumbs up!

Author's Response: Thanks so much for your lengthy review!^^ I think I might actually edit it and add more backround as it's lack has been pointed out more than once! And I'm so glad you liked it! Cookies for your review!^^

Wow, she really loved him didn't she? It's so emotional, and you really get a grip on her pain. I'm still a little uncertain as to if she was inside or outside the school, but I'm guessing it's outside? It's realistic though, and that's great! I loved the flash back, it was well done. It wasn't all of a sudden or awkward but flowed well.
~LilyFire (Hufflepuff)

Author's Response: Thank you so much for reviewing! Yeah it was outside! :D I'm really glad you liked it!^^

Hi! I saw your status update on the forums and I thought I'd stop by and check this out :)

I really, really loved your descriptions. "Two words that struck me like lightning" was a phrase that impacted me with a particular strength. I also loved the comparison to Lily and James, who seem to be the quintessential "happy couple" once they finally get together.

Where did you get this idea? I'm just a little confused because there wasn't a whole lot of introduction and it made the emotions feel slightly off. They weren't so much overblown, because I've been dumped before and I've certainly felt those feelings, but something about them was a little shallow because I didn't know much about Megan and her relationship with Sirius. Is this a companion to a larger piece? It's not a bad one-shot; it just lacks a certain something, in my opinion.

Author's Response: Thanks for reviewing!^^ Yeah maybe I should have written more of an introduction, I hadn't really given that a thought, it was sort of a spur of the moment writing!^^ I'm really glad you liked it and thank you so much for such a lengthy review! :D