Thursday, September 25, 2008

29: by the skin of our teeth.

Dear Claire,I'm not going to lie to you, this month has not been easy. You love your baby, but some days, he really gets in your way. Some days, it seems, you hate me. There are days when I miss the ease of caring just for you. I'd like to sleep a full eight hours, I'd love to abandon the diaper bag and breast pads. There are days when it seems like someone is always crying. Still, there is plenty of sweetness, when you forget to be mad at me for all of these changes and for that I am grateful.

I watch you watch him, Clairegirl, and it is beautiful.Before bed, I make a plan. I will play more. We will bake something. I will get dressed before you wake up. Then he spends the night fussing and nursing and crying and my intentions fall to the floor. You are there to witness my exhaustion. You want to do the puzzle. You want to play in the park. You want to hold the baby. He wants to cry. I want to mainline coffee. And you are patient with me. Sometimes more patient than I am with you. Some nights, after you go to sleep, I crawl into your big girl bed and wrap my arms around you. I run my hands through your sweaty hair and I pray.

We hang on, because we are home to each other. And we try. Again. And again. And again.I love you, Pooper. Love,Mama

5 comments:

Kari! I love this, when is your book going to come out?!?! I'm serious, someday you really should publish a motherhood book because you write about it so well....Though I'm not a mother yet, I look forward to it so much as I get a glimpse of it through your words. You are such a great writer AND mama!

I am crying right now remember when the twins had just been home for a few days. Matt was scolding him for something and Tobin looked up at Matt with the most grown up two year-old-eyes I've ever seen and said, "Daddy, are you still my daddy?" It's a hard time. It will get easier once everyone finds a new rhythm.

A week after we brought Camden home, Carter said "Take baby back, mommy?" and then looked at me just hoping that I would jump up and return him. Then there was the "My Mommy" stage. Now, one short year later, Carter can't bare for his little brother to be in the next room without him. Camden giggles only for Carter. Now it's the "go away Mommy, we're playing" stage. Claire will become his pal, and they will love each other very soon.