I'm the founding partner of Proteus International, and author of Growing Great Employees, Being Strategic, and Leading So People Will Follow. You can follow me on Twitter @erikaandersen. My websites are erikaandersen.com, and www.proteus-international.com. I'm insatiably curious. I love figuring out how people, situations and objects work, and how they could work better: faster, smarter, deeper, with greater satisfaction, more affection, and a higher fun quotient.

3 Kinds of False Friends You Must Fire From Your Life

I often read blog posts, here at Forbes and on other platforms, that spark further thought. I just read one at Inc.com, by Jeff Haden, about the types of people you should remove from your inner circle if you’re a business owner.

It got me reflecting on the folks I’ve removed from my life over the years (not removed in the Mafioso sense – I mean ‘stopped interacting with’), or those I’ve encouraged others to remove. It might sound callous or draconian, but I’m convinced that life is too short to have people around you on a daily basis who make it more difficult to succeed or to be happy.

Now of course, we all have days when even the folks we’re fondest of – friends, colleagues, family – make us want to tear our hair out. That’s not what I ‘m talking about (that’s life on the planet). I’m talking about those folks who consistently make your life harder or less pleasant.

So, here’s my observation of the three types of people to invite out of your life:

Energy vampires. Some people just wear you out; you feel more tired and stressed, less vital after interacting with them. These folks seem to believe that the main job of their friends and colleagues is to help them feel better. I once had a friend who required hours and hours of “processing” – his pain, difficulty, emotional upheaval, the unfairness of his past life: everything needed to be gone over ad infinitim. Sadly, no matter how deeply you listen, no matter how much counsel you offer, no matter how much you put your own needs on the back burner to support these folks, it will not be enough. Think about the friends and colleagues who consistently take more from you than they give back, and ask yourself why you’re still offering yourself to be sucked dry.

I Me Mine: My brother used to be married to someone who expected much more from others, on a daily basis, than she was willing to give. For instance, she had no problem asking someone to babysit for her child, or watch her house, or run an errand for her…but when it came time to reciprocate, somehow it just never seemed possible. When she came to visit, everything had to be oriented to accommodate her: the foods she required, the quietest room with the proper light, the cats farmed out to friends because of her allergies. No such accommodations were possible when others visited her. “I Me Mine” people are the center of their own universe, and if they’re in your life, you are always going to have to work around their needs and preferences. Collaboration, reciprocity and give and take are not part of their vocabulary. Do what you can to minimize your interactions with these folks (although they may let you know in no uncertain terms that you’re being unreasonable or unfair not to be available to fulfill their every whim).

Liars. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times – why are you still on the list of people whose calls I return? If someone is consistently unreliable, or tells you things that aren’t true, or says one thing to you and another thing to someone else in order to protect themselves….cut them loose. Liars are the worst. Energy Vampires and I Me Mines are a pain and make your life more difficult – but Liars can create honest-to-goodness legal and moral problems.

The great thing to realize is that you actually have the power to do this. You don’t need have to these people in your life. You can kindly but firmly minimize your interactions with them. And that frees you up to invite wonderful people into your life.

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Wow, what a great article, Erika – one of my favorites. Every point is so true. I have known many of these types – even employed a few – and the energy vampires were most especially dire – the other two were easier to recognize and cut loose, but the “energy drainers” were insidious in their down-on-their luck message loops and were doubly expensive–not only in the salary they cost but in the costs of everybody else’s time they wasted. Thanks for stating it so plainly.

Yeah, energy vampires are tough – it’s taken me a long time in my life to give myself permission to let go of them. Huge relief to realize that it wasn’t my responsibility to keep letting them feed off me.

I have had a friend for over 20 years, I love him like a brother and would go to the end of my rope for him. He has been a habitual liar the whole time I have known him. I chalked it up to “it is just his personality” and I have asked him numerous times why he is this way and don’t think I’ve ever received an honest answer…Go figure. So what is the cure? I can’t and would never abandon our friendship and honestly believe nor would he, Fire him from my life? Not a chance, Try and guess the correct conclusion or outcome?, Always, and getting really good at it. Very interesting Erika, I love your hair!

Superb article, Erika!! You described my ex-husband which is why he is my ex. After twenty-five years of marriage, I was totally drained with nothing left to give. Recovery time needs to be factored in, as well. The damage these types of people inflict on others is truly not worth the time invested in them!