Forget "Sex and the City". Welcome to "Booze and the Valley"! DISCLAIMER: No names have been changed to protect the guilty.

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Because waxing your own armpits isn't all that funny

OK, OK, it's a little funny. After you clean up the wax and your skin grows back in two weeks.

Yes, I've been neglecting you all. I've been absorbed in my own little academia world of hair removal and zit zapping, and making important life decisions, such as "is it Cabernet that I like best, or a Merlot? Why do I not write myself a note before I drink the entire bottle and forget if I actually liked it or not?"

I'm a hair removal fanatic. It's such a sense of satisfaction. Unless you have some bimbo with small, yet fleshy pits telling you how she wants it done. She wanted it done the wrong way. That was an hour of my life I'll never get back. I bought myself my own waxing kit. I don't know why. We have plenty of downtime at school, and we can wax ourselves whenever we want.

I eagerly set up my wax pot, and attempted to pull off the lid. They fill the pots to the top, and the wax stuck to the lid, and pulled like taffy. So I did the dumbest thing, and used my fingers to separate the wax from the lid. It was all over my hands! My kit came with 7 bottles of pre and post waxing lotions, tinted concealer, surface cleaner, yet NO wax remover. I know this, because I checked each bottle 3 times. Covering them all with more and more wax. I panicked and tried the surface cleaner and nail polish remover, swearing up a storm the entire time. My classmate lives 8 blocks from me, and I thought of calling her because I knew she would have wax remover. Then I imagined covering my phone in wax. I knew the cats would be of no help. There was a young man who lost his arms in a farming accident and dialed 911 with a pencil in his mouth. That was plan C. Then I remembered that our wax remover at school is oil. Pam Olive Oil cooking spray worked like magic!!!

Once my hands were clean, I was ready to wax away. I was told you could re-wax over the same spot twice with the brand of wax I bought. You can...if you want to rip more skin off your armpits than that top layer that you "exfoliated" the first time you waxed it. It only takes 2 weeks to heal.

I was bored today, so I thought I'd wax my legs and underarms. I needed something to prop my foot onto, so I used a short cat perch.

I keep the wax pot on the back of the toilet. Probably a mistake.

I switched from one type of wax to another, so I put the one I was no longer going to use in the bathtub to cool off.I think the only mistake I made was not keeping the bathroom door closed.

I'm not going to even go into how I've tried to wax my own "downstairs" more than once. It involves a lot of sweating, swearing, and deep breaths. And yet I'm dumb enough to try it again. Right now. Gotta go....