How to Find Gratitude When Everything Goes Wrong

Angel and I recently interviewed a minimum wage motel housekeeper in Miami for a project we’re working on to support our New York Times bestselling book, Getting Back to Happy: Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Reality, and Turn Your Trials into Triumphs. “Do you like your job?” we asked her. To our surprise, she smiled from ear to ear and was breathless for a couple moments. She finally collected herself and said, “I can’t believe how much I love my job! I get to make dozens of our guests happy every day and feed my two beautiful children at the same time…”

Then, at that same motel 30 minutes later, we met a family of six in the lobby. They were just hanging out, sharing stories, laughing and taking turns reading excerpts from a book. Their joyous presence caught our attention, so we asked them where they were from. “Oh, we’re from here,” the father said. “Our house burned down last night, but miraculously all of us got out safely. And that makes this a pretty darn good day.”

Talk about two back-to-back wake-up calls…

There is always, always, always something to be grateful for!

In Getting Back to Happy, I share this entry from my grandmother’s journal, dated 9-16-1977: “Today I’m sitting in my hospital bed waiting to have both my breasts removed. But in a strange way, I feel like the lucky one. Until now I have had no health problems. I’m a sixty-nine-year-old woman in the last room at the end of the hall before the pediatric division of the hospital begins. Over the past few hours I have watched dozens of cancer patients being wheeled by in wheelchairs and rolling beds. None of these patients could be a day older than seventeen.”

That journal entry has been hanging up in our home office for the past two decades, and it continues to remind Angel and I to practice gratitude through thick and thin. No matter how good or bad we have it on any particular day, we do our best to wake up grateful for our lives, because other people in other places are desperately fighting for theirs.

Think about your own life in this context of gratitude.

How often do you let go of what you think your life is supposed to look like, and sincerely appreciate it for everything it is?

If you’re anything like the rest of us, it’s probably not often enough.

Because finding sincere gratitude is much easier said than done in the hustle of life, especially when hard times hit. And although Angel and I have coped and grown through our fair share of truly hard times (which I will touch upon at the end of this post), let’s be honest about something: 98 percent of the time we create tragedy in our lives out of fairly minor incidents. Something doesn’t go exactly as planned, but rather than learn from the experience, we freak out about it and let stress become us. Or, we resist the small bits of progress we can make, simply because we can’t achieve exactly what we want all at once.

Our challenge for you today is to start choosing differently—don’t let the things that are beyond your control dominate you!

The biggest difference between peace and stress on an average day is attitude. It’s all about how you look at a situation and what you decide to do with it. It’s remembering that there are no certainties in life; we don’t know exactly what the future will bring. So, your best strategy for living is to make the best and most positive use of the present moment, even when it’s far from perfect…

Especially when it’s far from perfect!

Your life, with all its ups and downs, unexpected twists and turns, has brought you to this moment. It took each and every intricate, confusing, and painful situation you have encountered to bring you to right here, right now. And if you have the courage to admit that you’re a little scared, and have the ability to smile even as you cry, the nerve to ask for help when you need it, and the wisdom to take it when it’s offered, then you have everything you need. You just have to believe it so you can take the next step.

Angel and I have guided hundreds of our course students and Think Better, Live Better conference attendees through this process of perspective change—a process stepping forward with sincere gratitude, no matter what. And that’s what I want to highlight for you today. We’re going to take a quick look at some ways to find sincere gratitude when there’s nothing obvious to be grateful for… when everything seems to be going wrong.

We usually think of times like these as something we don’t like—dealing with a difficult person or circumstance, struggling with a difficult life change, losing a loved one, etc. And it’s true, these are not “good times.” I’m not suggesting we should rejoice at living though disappointing or painful life experiences. But there are ways we can find gratitude as we grow through them, nonetheless. Here are some solid examples of how to do just that:

How to Find Gratitude Around Difficult People

We expect people to behave a certain way. Specifically, we expect them to always treat us kindly, fairly and respectfully. But the reality is some people won’t. They will lose their tempers or act foolishly, regardless of how we treat them. This must be accepted.

Don’t lower your standards, but do remind yourself that removing your expectations of others—especially those who are being difficult—is the best way to avoid being disappointed by them. You will end up sadly disappointed if you expect others will always do for you as you do for them. Not everyone has the same heart as you. Not everyone’s heart is filled with genuine gratitude.

When you’re forced to deal with a difficult person, you can be grateful for having other people in your life who are far less difficult. You can be grateful for having a way to practice being better at patience, communication, and tempering your expectations. You can think of this person as a teacher, who is inadvertently helping you to grow stronger as a person. And, at the very least, you can be grateful for them because they serve as a great reminder of how not to be.

How to Find Gratitude When You Catch Yourself Complaining

Many of us are have developed a subtle habit of complaining about life. We might not even notice how often we’re doing it, but every time we experience some tension in our lives (things not going exactly our way), we immediately feel bitterness. This bitterness is a form of complaining, and it’s a common way we waste our lives.

What could you be grateful for right now, if you really wanted to be grateful?

What could you appreciate about this moment?

Seriously, when life gives you every reason to be negative, think of one good reason to be positive. Remember, there’s ALWAYS something to be grateful for.

How to Find Gratitude When You Are Overwhelmed

The familiar faces, places, situations and obligations we rely on and interact with daily… they overwhelm us sometimes, especially when we’re taking them for granted.

Have you ever noticed how the more familiar you become with an amazing situation or relationship in your life, the more you seem to take it for granted? And then, as it becomes more “expendable” in your subconscious mind, the more it seems to “overwhelm” you on busy days? You somehow grow to feel like this amazing thing is getting in your way, even though it isn’t—it’s YOU that’s getting in your way.

The bottom line is that we often take for granted the very things that most deserve our gratitude. So, challenge yourself to flip your perspective in moments of overwhelm, using a simple re-framing tool we often cover with our course students called “… AND I LOVE IT!”

“… AND I LOVE IT!” is a phrase that can be applied to the end of any overwhelming thought. Here are a couple examples:

I need to go grocery shopping, and pay the bills, and pick the kids up from school in an hour … AND I LOVE IT!

My inbox is filled with two dozen client emails that need a response today … AND I LOVE IT!

Let this little re-framing tool give you the perspective you need. Because, again, the everyday things that overwhelm us are often blessings in disguise.

OK, now for some harder stuff…

How to Find Gratitude After Job Loss

No one wins at chess by only moving forward; sometimes you have to move backward to put yourself in a position to win. And that’s a good metaphor for your life’s work, too.

As painful as losing your job is, it’s an ending that leads to the beginning of everything that comes next. Let the heaviness of being successful be replaced by the lightness of being a beginner again. This new beginning is the start of a different story, the opportunity to refresh your life, to reinvent who you are. See the beauty in this opportunity—the freedom and liberation from a fixed routine—a solid foundation from which you can rebuild certain aspects of your life the way you always wanted it to be.

Remind yourself, as often as necessary, that you can find gratitude for where you are. You can find gratitude for these moments of reinvention—for pushing into the discomfort of getting good at interviewing, learning new skills and leveling up. You can find gratitude for the opportunity to grow stronger, even in the midst of the growing pains that ultimately get you there.

How to Find Gratitude Amidst Health Problems

Everyone is down on the pain inflicted by health problems, and when we experience this kind of pain we usually say we have nothing to be grateful for, because we forget something important about what we’re going through: The pain of a health problem is for the living ONLY—for those of us who still have the chance of a lifetime.

A couple short years ago, on the second to last day of her life, a close friend of mine told me her only regret was that she didn’t appreciate every year with the same passion and purpose that she had in the last two years of her life, after she was diagnosed with terminal cancer. ‘I’ve accomplished so much recently, and truly appreciated every step,” she said. “If I had only known, I would have started sooner.’”

Her words made me cry and smile at the same time. What was truly miraculous was seeing the genuine gratitude in her eyes at that moment. She was sincerely grateful for actually being able to accomplish everything she had accomplished in her final two years. And her sentiment has always remained with me. So, while I agree that health problems are never fun, and can often be very painful and debilitating, the pain can still be mediated by a sense of gratitude of being alive. Of still having a chance to move forward. Of still having a life worth living, from moment to precious moment.

How to Find Gratitude When Someone You Love Dies

One of the absolute hardest realities to cope with is death. A person who gave meaning to our life is now no longer in our life (at least not in the flesh), and we are not the same person without them. We have to change who we are—we are now a best friend who sits alone, a widow instead of a wife, a dad without a daughter, or a next-door neighbor to someone new. We want life to be the way it was, before death, and yet it never will be.

But, can we still be grateful we had the gift of this person in our lives? Yes…

Ultimately, we grew to appreciate that although death is an ending, it is also a necessary part of living. And even though endings like these often seem ugly, they are necessary for beauty too—otherwise it’s impossible to appreciate someone or something, because they are unlimited. Limits illuminate beauty, and death is the ultimate limit—a reminder that we need to be aware of this beautiful person, and appreciate this beautiful thing called life. Death is also a beginning, because while we have lost someone special, this ending, like the loss of any wonderful life situation, is a moment of reinvention. Although deeply sad, their passing forces us to gradually reinvent our lives, and in this reinvention is an opportunity to experience beauty in new, unseen ways and places. And finally, death is an opportunity to celebrate a person’s life, and to be grateful for the beauty they showed us.

Now, it’s your turn…

The bottom line is that life’s disappointments and struggles are not easy to find gratitude for, but they can become incredible paths of growth if we find the lessons in them—if we start to see everything as our teacher.

Truly, the best time to focus on being grateful is when you don’t feel like it. Because that’s when doing so can make the biggest difference.

As for me, I’m wrapping up this article with a quick note of gratitude to YOU:

Comments

Your explanation of finding gratitude through health problems the death of a loved one rings so true in my heart and mind. These points given me a great sense of calm in this moment. I am actually struggling through a severe kidney infection right now, and I am still mourning the passing of my oldest sister who left us 4 months ago. But, I am truly grateful for each moment I had with her, and truly grateful for each moment I am breathing.

Thank you for everything you two do to bring a gentle, healthy awareness into the world. You’re making a difference in my consciousness day by day. This blog is simply wonderful! And I’ve also been watching the digital recording of your recent Think Better conference/seminar. That too has given me some much-needed perspective at this time.

Prayers to you and your sister, Bethany. We’re thinking of you. Thank you for the kind feedback, too. It’s so great to hear you’re getting value out of the Think Better, Live Better conference recording. 🙂

Another email arrives from Marc and Angel right on time. 🙂 Thanks for sending me the link to this article. I especially appreciate the “AND I LOVE IT” exercise. I’m always a case for being overwhelmed with family and business obligations, and you’re so right! Most of these things that overwhelm me are things I am grateful for.

I most often overlook my gratitude having a healthy, loving family and a business that supports us. Thanks again.

M&A, I enrolled in your Getting to Happy course three weeks ago and I actually implemented your evening gratitude ritual into my evening routine the very first evening. Three weeks later and I can honestly say it’s been a game-changer for me. This post is such a wonderful explanation as to why. I was missing lots of not-so-obvious reasons to be grateful, and bringing my awareness to them has helped me cope with a couple significant challenges I’ve been dealing with recently. Thanks for the continued support.

Dealing with difficult people I want to add my experience. I made a mistake I think to try to change the perspective of that person and hurt myself. It is nearly impossible to deal with the mindset of a person. It is true as you say we should accept how and what it is and be grateful that we exhaust without what we were trying to achieve.

Marc & Angel, I thank you so much, for bringing those wonderful messages, in times when life seems to get harder. I am 68 years old, and finding myself more sensitive to the things going on around me; mainly struggling against relatives who are not striving to succeed in their life and with my husband who is 23 years older than me, in excellent health for his age, thanks to God, but getting more stubborn every day, which has been taking a lot of my energy to be strong. I have been receiving your emails for quite a few years, but I have been going through depression, and becaming overwhelmed with little things..but today I thank you, and I will start following your advices…God bless you.

I am truly grateful for my health that at times has not been so good. The miracle that our bodies are — how all the components work together, the amazing feats organs perform every second (heart beating! lungs successfully exchanging oxygen and CO2! Eyes seeing clearly! Ears hearing beautiful music! Strong muscles to use to lighten other people’s burdens!) when everything is working fine, it’s easy to take health for granted. I have taken my health for granted (eat junk food, let my excercise routine go for a few months, allow stress to build) and slipped into poor health as a result in the past. The healthy habits are easier to maintain when I am grateful and appreciative of the miracle that good health really is.

Thank you! Today is one of those days that I need to be greatful for. Recently I lost my sister and last night I learned my friends son died of an overdose. I read this and it totally touched my heart and made me see how grateful I should be for the people in my life.

Thanx for this awesome article Marc n Angel. I feel personally that u both continue to prove to be angels for my life. Your words r so clear n logical, it gives my thinking a new edge. And it’s a good time of showing my gratitude towards both of u with my whole heart. I always go through ur articles n try to read carefully. Thanx a lot.

I have been following your posts for about a month now and I have found that what you say is so right on point about how one can live one’s life. I have been sharing your blog with my younger sister who looks up to me and believes me to be so much stronger than she…..Oh if she only realized how strong she really is. I have tried to tell her and she doesn’t seem to believe me (I hope she does come to that reality that she is as strong as she believes she is!) We are six years apart and feel like twins…finishing each other’s sentences at times!. She has struggled with health issues her entire 63 years of life and is the most positive person I know. She perseveres and I admire that quality so very much. I was diagnosed with breast cancer a year and a half ago and under went surgery. I opted not to do radiation and/or chemo and have just wanted to live as healthy a lifestyle as I can but temptation gets in my way everyday. I have to constantly remind myself that Life is Good! When I have that positive attitude I feel better, no matter what else is going on around me. Thank you Marc and Angel for your positive and uplifting messages. You are an inspiration !

I am grateful for Gratitude! If it came in a bottle, I wouldn’t be able to afford it, that magical potion that changes any situation for the better! Honestly, gratitude is the most radical change-maker possible, and it’s free. I don’t have to go get it somewhere; it’s always available right where I am. I can apply it lavishly and never run out. I don’t even have to be grateful for “something” — I can just be grateful because it feels good.

I have been receiving your emails for about a month now. I also purchased your Get Back to Happy book yesterday. You are both very inspirational! My husband died of a glioblastoma multiforme 6 years. He was my soul mate and I still grieve his loss. I have not reinvented my life very well. Although, I have so much to be grateful for. I hope that I am able to follow your advice! Thank you.

What a wonderful article. I particularly like the part on how to deal with difficult people and wanting to please others. I have been a victim of this on several times and have seen at the end that indeed it makes me unhappy. After reading this I realize that changing our attitudes on expectations of others indeed creates a general optimism and positive outlook on life.

I find myself being grateful for my senses: sight, hearing, smelling, tasting and feeling. As I age each of these senses start to decline, but I can continue to be grateful for what I still have.
I also like the I Love It practice! Thanks for reminding us that even in loss of loved ones we can find reason to be grateful.

In the last month, I have experienced some od the most difficulties ever. My apartment had a plumbing flood and I had to move out within in three days so that the walls, flooring, and carpet could be replaced. I was placed on leave at work due to difficulties with co-workers and an unsupportive manager. My mother was hospitalized with end stage renal disease and she had to start dialysis at age 79, and I had to put my dog of 13 years to sleep after seeing him suffer with arthritic pain, immobility, and failure to thrive. One of my friends pointed out to me that I had been hit with every life stressor. I smiled and said, “Well, I still have all my limbs. I haven’t gotten a TBI (traumatic brain injury). I haven’t been hit by an IED. I have managed to ask for help from family and friends. People have listened to me and spent time with me and helped me with my move. Co-workers have supported me regarding the difficult people at work. I have been able to spend time with my mother and move back into my apartment because of the leave from work. Oh yes, I got to go to Hawaii, Province Town, and see Ed Sheeran in concert. So despite all these challenges, I have many things to be grateful for.
Thank you Marc and Angel for sharing your wisdom.

I am grateful that my “problems” are not huge at all but are actually only challenges that test me to deal with them in a better manner. I now understand (at least intellectually) that any stress I have is basically caused by my mindset. With the help of the advice & suggestions in your book & the recordings of your 2018 conference, I am working to reduce my self-induced stressful responses to life. However this is ongoing as it is often proving difficult to retrain my thinking patterns ha ha. I have followed your blog for a Whike now and after a difficult few years on a personal level, am now making a deliberate life choice to work on being a less stressed and much more fun- loving. I truly intend to work at having a nice life, being more upbeat, positive & generally being more content & happy. Finally I’m grateful to you, Marc & Angel, for the work you do in pointing the way & providing the tools to help us all. You definitely have made a difference for the many.

I Love It! I’m definitely going to try saying that to myself to inject a bit more gratitude into my life, brilliant tip!

In relation to losing a loved one and gratitude, I recently lost my Dad after a traumatic 18 weeks of him being in hospital. I am holding quite a lot of anger towards various members of the medical profession for things that happened to my Dad. I am trying to focus on what I can and can’t control and have realised there isn’t much I can do about my concerns without a long drawn out process of complaints and meeting. So instead, I am very much trying to focus on what I am thankful for. I am thankful that he lived to be 77 years old, not a bad ‘innings’ as he himself would have said. He had dementia but still knew us right up until the end so I am thankful that we didn’t have to watch him deteriorate further over a protracted length of time. I am also thankful that I have his eyes and I can see him looking back at me every time I look in the mirror! I think you are right that death is an opportunity to celebrate the life the person had.

Marc and Angel, thank you so much for continuing to inspire me to take charge of my life and move it into a positive direction. I was married to a difficult person for 20 years and it has been hard to retrain my thinking from the brainwashing that happens when you are with a self centered person. I spent so much of my time trying to understand where he was coming from as he blamed me for his behavior or justified his actions making me always somehow wrong. But now, 3 years later, I know that I don’t have to understand and I don’t have to be understood. I can just “do my thing with as much love and integrity as I can” – (words from your blog) and not let other peoples manipulations bother me. Sure, he still uses the court system to harass me; but, I can use these opportunities to iron out some other issues that still need to be resolved. I am grateful, now, for the abuse. Because now I understand what respect means and I am getting so much better at respecting myself.

Thank you for sharing your inspiring stories. My attitude is completely up to me. So, I choose to be awesome. Thank you for helping me to be awesome!

I have always been grateful for the endless photographs and pictures my family and I have taken through the years. They are constant reminders of all the beautiful loved ones, pets, places, and moments that filled my life.

When faced with strenuous, disappointing, or dark times you bet I look at some of those snapshots!

Thank you for this and the countless other articles you two write so well!

I had a really lousy day. Heading back to the school as a teacher can be stressful even before the students come back. I read your article and it made me think. In two days back at professional development, I had forgotten the incredible summer I had with my children. My daughter only tried to make me feel better when I got home today as I wallowed in self pity. As your article said we should find gratitude on the small things and remember that it is only a job. Thank you Marc and Angel and thank you, Michaela for reminding me of what I should be grateful for.