Whinging children face jail

The Queen will announce at the state opening of Parliament in June that a law to rein in whinging in children is planned in the Government's legislative agenda for the coming year.

A Government spokesman said that legislation is long overdue and that 'the whining little snot-heads' have 'had it coming'.

"You only have to enter a modern supermarket to see that the nation's children need taking down a peg or two," said Conservative MP Robert Buckland. "Previous government actions have only served to make them feel that they are not accountable for their own behaviour. The consequence is that they whine endlessly for sweets, balloons, action figures, film spin-off products, and Lelli-Kelly shoes.

"This Government is standing up for voters and saying 'Yes, the journey to Legoland really does take this long!', 'Yes, you should have gone before we left!', 'No, you cannot have that Furby - it's really expensive and annoying to boot!'... where was I?"

Children found to be whinging excessively could face up to 15 years in jail. Some MPs have argued that traditional playground punishments such as the 'Chinese burn' or wedgie should be employed.

The last time a government legislated to protect parents from the behaviour of their own children was in the 1868 Pestering By Minors Act, but this was repealed in 1962 by wishy-washy liberals.