11 failed IUIs, IVF #1- miscarriage, FET #1-nada, IVF #2-triplets but we lost them all at 9, 18, and 21 weeks in 2013. When all hope was lost a friend stepped forward to be our gestational carrier and carried in our twins... 2 years later we decided to try for one more baby with me carrying again...this is our story

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What to Expect When Your NOT Expecting

August 24, 2012

Sigh. It's crazy how I use to envy people with normal periods. All I wanted was a period to be able to be in the "land of the trying." I was pumped after months of different medications that the highest level of femera finally worked. However, after getting my period consistently for over 5 months now, I am getting sick of seeing it come because it means that I'm not pregnant.

So, after having cramps for a few days, I got the first sure signs that I will have it full blown tomorrow or Saturday. It can drive you crazy. I try to convince myself each time that it's my uterus stretching, that its the egg implanting. I can't get my sister's experience out of my head so it gives me a sick hope even though deep down I already know it's coming.

I had a wave of panic. I've said it before. I'm at the point where it's not that I can't bear the fact of not being pregnant right now (though I'm getting pretty close to that too), it's the fear that there is no guarantee I will ever be in that hospital room, pushing out my child, my husband by my side. That scene that we grow up watching on tv and movies. You know, when the wife yells crazy things like "YOU DID THIS TO ME" and then "I LOVE YOU" and then "I HATE YOU" then "WE DID IT! HE/SHE is here and HE/SHE is BEAUTIFUL!" I so so want this.

A couple days ago Darren and I went to go see the movie "What to Expect When You're Expecting." Despite the fact I hate feel bad around all pregnant women, I loved the movie. It was so honest. It followed 5 couples (kind of spolier alert):

1. A young girl who had a 1 night stand and got pregnant
2. A celebrity couple who had a unplanned pregnancy
3. A couple who had been trying for 2 years (my favorite)
4. A non-traditional couple where the dad was old and a young hot 25 year old wife
5. An infertile couple who had gone through failed IVF

I loved it for the following reasons:
1. The couple who had been trying 2 years had an "ovulation" alarm/app on her cell phone. When they decided to take a break she said "We will take a break, then do 3 rounds of IVF, then adopt" I was glad Darren could hear I'm not the only women who had to plan ahead for mental sake.

2. The couple with the young wife had the "dream" pregnancy where she felt great the whole time, had twins, looked gorgeous, and when she sneezed 1 baby came out in labor. Of COURSE we all can think of the fertile myrtles in our life where its soo easy for them. I had to laugh.

3. Lastly, the infertile couple was hard. My sister warned me that the infertile women's character (JLO) is named HOLLY (my name) so that was weird. The movie didn't take us through their journey of trying it started with their journey to adopt. It was very powerful and moving. They took a bus to Ethiopia and got their son. "I have been waiting for you for so long" Holly says.

I always "judged" people who said they would never adopt. And here I am, going crazy, fighting my guts out, to birth my child. We are so open to adoption, but right now my heart wants so bad to carry a child first. Each time I get my period, I become afraid. However, worrying is planning negative for the future. I'm not giving up.﻿

1 comment:

I purposely didn't go and see this movie, because it was in theatres right after our first round of IVF failed. I totally agree with what you said at the end. My husband and I WILL adopt, and think it is a beautiful, beautiful thing... but I just NEED to carry a child. God has put it in our hearts for a reason love. DO NOT give up. No matter what.

My Bucket List:

Meet the Bensons

Hi! I'm Holly and Darren is my husband. We have been married 5 years; after our 11th fertility treatment in 2013 we lost triplets (2 were stillborns in the 2nd tri). It nearly destroyed us. The day I delivered my son a friend emailed us and offered to carry some of our biological remaining embryos. The transfer was a success and we had twin boys born almost exactly a year-to-the-date later than when I delivered my son. If I'm not blogging about our journey, I'm teaching high school Spanish, drinking Starbucks, hanging out with family, eating candy-and then working it off at the gym. If you ever need to contact me directly you can at hollybenson10@yahoo.com or if you want to see more into our daily lives, my instagram is hbenson10

How Long We've Been At It:

JB

Babies in Heaven

We have had two miscarriages and 2 stillborns (born 3 weeks apart). I'm 50/50 on naming the early miscarriages but it gives me a sense of peace and reality of their lives. In heaven, I will call for them.

Jaden lost 11/2012 blighted ovum (my sister gave me the idea for this name, it means "God has heard" and he had because it was our 1st pregnancy)

Isaac lost 8/2013 everything was perfect and then stopped at 9 weeks (my sister is law gave me this idea. Isaac means "laughter" and everyone's first reaction to us having triplets was laughter)

Stillborn daughter born 10/30/13

Stillborn son Jude born @21 weeks 11/17/30

Infertility Treatment Journey

Me: 31 I have mild PCOS and ovulate very randomly (I respond to femera and on that have normal cycles)