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Hannibal Buress On Russell Howard’s Good News

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[Hannibal Buress On Russell Howard’s Good News]

[Hannibal Buress (February 4, 1983)] Source: LYBIO.net
Hello, hello. This is my first time here in London. I think it’s an awful place, but I’m willing to adjust. I like that ya’ll have bank holidays here, it’s nothing, it’s not a person, it’s not about a person, it’s not about pillage in another country, so the bank is closed. So let’s just close everything else too. I like that.

The last time I was in UK, I was in Scotland and I was in Scotland, in Edinburgh, so I came this time and I still have money from Scotland and so I went to a pub here in London and I ordered my drink and I handed a guy, a Scottish 20 and he said, this is Scottish money. I say yeah, take it.

I don’t care about your feud, whatever is going on between England and Scotland there is no difference between England and Scotland, the Scottish people are deep voiced English people, that’s why people ask me, people ask me, what’s the difference between England and Scotland? Scotland, they talk like or uwww and English people say literally, literally, I was literally at the pub and I had literally had a pint in my hand and I literally left. They have to say literally that many times, you say literally too much

Before I was coming over, I was back in New York and I met these girls they were from Ireland, I said oh, you are from Ireland, that’s cool because I’m going to the UK in a couple of months, and apparently Ireland isn’t a part of the UK, because there’s some crazy stuff that happened a while ago, I guess I got it mistaken with Northern Ireland which is the honest mistake I think.

And what would have been nice of those girls say hey, there’s a crazy history between UK and Ireland, it’s a very sensitive subject for that, UK and Ireland would not cool like that, we don’t like being associated with the UK, so you should know that, that would have been nice, and I would say, thank you for telling me that.

Instead what these girls said, what the crack you damn ass American, you probably don’t know even know —– you stupid American you don’t know anything, you’re not worried of anything you damn American what the crack. You know what that doesn’t make me want to learn about your country.

Guess what, now I’m going to tell all my friends, Ireland is part of Dubai. And they gonna believe me cause I’m influential in my circle.

So I think the Edinburgh Festival last year it was a dark moment in my life, it’s very rainy, it’s like the rain is just pissing on your soul.

I was out one night it was 5 in a morning, Scotland I’m talking with this girl. I decide to take a swing, I say how about we go back to my place for some food and some drinks most woman will say yeah, that sounds cool or no I’m all right. But what she says was, what type of food are we talking about? Source: LYBIO.net

And what drinks are we talking about? Did you expect me to have sex if I ever come back to your place?

Well, if we come back to my place at 5 in a morning, eat all my food, drink all of my drinks, you don’t want to have sex, I don’t what you in my life at all.

What type of a person would do something like that, that sounds like something sociopath, to come this place at 5, eat the food, drink your drinks, leave at 6.30 without fucking, like it’s cool, that’s a passive burglary. Okay.

And as soon as she said that I should of clocked that this women is crazy but I was kind of drunk, oh, she is kind of quirky, she is kind of quirky, so we talk a little bit she says stuff, I say stuff, she say stuff, I say stuff, you know our conversation works, I think it’s going well, so I’m going for a kiss, she says: “What, you think you can just kiss me, men think they are entitled to do who ever they want from women; you objectify us.”

She started going this crazy, feminist rant, it’s fine if you want to be a feminist. But I think, 5 in the morning after the bar closes, it’s a weird time to jump on your soap box. Man just want to fuck. Yes, 5 in the morning, everybody wants to, that’s why I stayed out till 5, cause it didn’t happen at 2.

So we keep talking for some reason. She wants my address, she saw a address, I tell her my address this was not my address, plus the cross street. I tell her she text it to herself, I said, what’s wrong, she says I have to be safe; three out of 10 woman are getting raped, don’t report it, one out of one dudes is walking away from this conversation.

She says: what’s wrong? I say: You insane lady that’s what’s wrong, and it sounds very risky to hang out with you and I don’t notice about myself until this day, but I don’t hang out with anybody to quotes rape statistics.

There is nobody in my life that does, that does such weird trait to have, I have to get away from you because I’m a Blackman in Scotland on a work Visa, they gonna believe any bullshit you say.

She was super drunk, at that moment, she couldn’t have the rejection, she just kept on going, Hannibal please let me explain, no, you have explained enough with your words, why Hannibal what’s wrong, you seem insane and unstable that’s what’s wrong, Hannibal I just want to educate people, this is a weird ass time for that type of class. Hannibal give me 30 seconds, No, I don’t want to talk with you, Hannibal please stop walking away, no, go away, Hannibal please, hey lady you’re acting like rapist right now. Because I don’t want to talk with you, you keep on talking, but you are raping my eardrums and I feel very threatened; no means no.

So we are dating now. My name is Hannibal, that’s my real name, I feel like, I feel like having this name has caused me to miss out on several potential sexual encounters, women walk up, what’s your name, it’s Hannibal, all right bye, bye. And seriously I’m a real person that’s a movie dude to judge me off of. I got a brother and sister, my brother’s name is David, my sisters name is Angela, my mother’s name is Margaret, my father’s name is John, my name is Hannibal it’s awful

I got a teenage cousin, I don’t like him at all. I think he is a bad person and a piece of shit and I hope he doesn’t get into college. He is horrible person and one of you was kicking his ass right here on this stage I let you get 10 more hits in before I stopped you.

He always talks trash about my comedy, hey Hannibal, we were watching you stand up, on ya’ll —- it wasn’t funny man.

So, I gotta figure out what I have to say back to the 17 year old boy cause I’m not letting it slide, I am very petty, I have to destroy him and I figured it out and I just accused him of masturbating; because teenagers can’t handle that their psyches are weak.

Let’s say, what man you’re coming from a jackin off? No I wasn’t coming from jackin off. Hannibal.

Why would you say, I do not jackin off, I will never jackin off, get out of here Hannibal.

Why you want me to get out of here, so you could get jackin off, some more. Noooo!

That won’t work with me, I’m 29, you accuse me. Hannibal you jackin off yeah. Ya, yes, I was jackin off, I was jackin off so I can have sex for longer or later that’s grown man stuff; I’m planning out my life.

Sometimes when I watch porn, I put my hoodie on so I feel creepier.

Then I get under the computer, so it feels like I’m spying on the couple – ya. What are you’all up to.

Everybody needs a masturbation hoodie in my opinion. You have to keep your top warm, because your bottom is exposed. Life is all about balance.

Ya, drinking, I like to drink, I only like to drink with people who can hold their liquor. I was out with this girl and I bought some drinks; we go back to my hotel room; she starts to throw up all over my room, that I bought all over the room, it was very upsetting, it was like she was throwing up on my money on my money.

Very upsetting on so many levels; really not that many levels. People over uses that – it was messed up on so many levels man oh for real. Please name every level. Well metaphysical, level three, eye level, sea level, shut up man, fuck your struggles, stop being dramatic.

Whenever people going through a struggle in life they get really cliché they say stuff like:

I’m taking it one day at a time and I’m just taking it one day at a time. You know who else is? Everybody. Cause that’s how time works.

That’s the only way you can take time. What were you doing a week at a time before? Who are you? Who taught you how to do that? Teach me how to do that. I just wanna do this quicker too.

I don’t like when people say I’ll pray for you.

I’ll pray it for you, I’ll pray for you.

You’re going to pray for me, so basically you’re gonna sit at home and do nothing.

That’s what your prayers, are you doing nothing while I struggle with a situation. So don’t pray for me, make me a sandwich or something; cause I am very upset right now and I can’t make my own sandwich, it would be cool if you made me a sound instead of praying, it’s very lazy. We’ll keep you in our thoughts!

With the all the bullshit in your head, no!

Keep me out of your thoughts, cause I hear some of your stuff, you talk about it, and if that’s close to what you’re thinking about, I don’t want to be around that at all; so keep me and my family out of your thoughts unless you thinking about making us sandwiches.

I want to see this Play in New York. It’s called: “Sleep No More”. And it was really cool, it’s not a regular play where you sit in the audience and watch people on the stage, it’s in this five storey building and actors just can pop up in any room in the building and start doing a scene and they leave that room, they meet up with other actors, then you follow them around it’s really crazy.

I guess it’s loosely based on Macbeth, but I don’t know anything about Macbeth, so the whole experience for me was just getting drunk and chasing actors around.

Hey what’s going over here? I don’t understand this. What does this scene mean? What are you doing with this dance? What is all it is?

But it was a fun time and I was in this one office set by myself, no body else was in his office set and I farted in that room and then the two actors came into that room to do a scene and they acted in to my fart cloud and I could see that it was bothering them but they really couldn’t speak on it, they had to power through and I was just happy to be part of the process, it was good and so really fun.

I live in New York sometimes I get drunk, I get in arguments with taxi drivers and I get out of the cab and I slam the door. That is not the way to win a argument with a taxi driver. The way to win; as you get out of the cab and you leave the door open, he then has to step out, come around and close the door, while he’s doing that, I’m on the other side, opening the other door. And we just keep going around and around and around and around; like a have a personal Benny Hill situation going on, life is great. Que the —— [trumpets sounds from mouth].

I am a big rap fan, but a lot of rappers say goofy stuff in their songs, this one rapper Young Jeezy, he has a song, where he says “how stupid dumb big,my rooms got rooms”. Nah! Jezzy! Those are closets.

Those aren’t extra rooms in your rooms, Jezzy!

He would be the worst real estate agent ever, right here, we have a 34 bed room house let me show you around the property.

Great feature this place, some of the rooms have extra smaller rooms in them.

You will have to sleep at these rooms like this, very unique sleeping situation inspired by the Japanese.

A while back, Lil Wayne had an interview – he was really bad at it.

Lil John said: “Lil Wayne if you could ask George Bush any questions about Hurricane Katrina, what would you say? He’d say: “I’m a gangster and gangsters don’t ask questions.”

What gangsters do ask questions, asking questions is a big part, of being a gangster.