Lady, your room is lousy with flowers.
When you kick me out, that's what I'll remember,
Me, sitting here bored as a loepard
In your jungle of wine-bottle lamps,
Velvet pillows the color of blood pudding
And the white china flying fish from Italy.
I forget you, hearing the cut flowers
Sipping their liquids from assorted pots,
Pitchers and Coronation goblets
Like Monday drunkards.
The milky berries
Bow down, a local constellation,
Toward their admirers in the tabletop:
Mobs of eyeballs looking up.
Are those petals of leaves you've paried with them --Those green-striped ovals of silver tissue?
The red geraniums I know.
Friends, friends.
They stink of armpits
And the invovled maladies of autumn,
Musky as a lovebed the morning after.
My nostrils prickle with nostalgia.
Henna hags:cloth of your cloth.
They tow old water thick as fog.
The roses in the Toby jug
Gave up the ghost last night.
High time.
Their yellow corsets were ready to split.
You snored, and I heard the petals unlatch,
Tapping and ticking like nervous fingers.
You should have junked them before they died.
Daybreak discovered the bureau lid
Littered with Chinese hands.
Now I'm stared at
By chrysanthemums the size
Of Holofernes' head, dipped in the same
Magenta as this fubsy sofa.
In the mirror their doubles back them up.
Listen: your tenant mice
Are rattling the cracker packets.
Fine flour
Muffles their bird feet: they whistle for joy.
And you doze on, nose to the wall.
This mizzle fits me like a sad jacket.
How did we make it up to your attic?
You handed me gin in a glass bud vase.
We slept like stones.

Lady, what am I doing
With a lung full of dust and a tongue of wood,
Knee-deep in the cold swamped by flowers?

My
breath
shivers under
a rug of loneliness,
a sleepy heart huddles
against such memories
of togetherness and not of
goodbyes, hating to disperse
the fiery rhymes of your lips,
as well as the warmth of its
sweat...tastes like red wine,
then it beats...and beats
gently, as it envisions
you, in an early
misty
s
p
r
i
n
g
Ernesto Santiago

13

My mom and I have always had a strange
relationship. I love her dearly, but we’ve never
clicked the way some mothers and daughters
do. I know she wants it to be that way, but I
just think our personalities are too different.
I always wished that my relationship with her
could be stronger, but at least it’s not as tense
as it was before. I think us not living with each
other proved to be the best thing to happen to
our relationship. I really enjoy seeing her now,
because I get a break from her. I also think
her temperament has softened with age. I
remember her always having a short fuse and
would yell a lot. I find myself doing that from
time to time as well, but I always am trying to
control it. But, that put me in an uncomfortable situation a lot of the time, because she’s
a difficult person to reason with when she’s
angry. I would often find myself calling my dad,
crying to him about how much I hated living

14

there. Another factor in her attitude was probably her being unsatisfied with her life with her
now ex-husband and my ex-stepdad. Reflecting
back upon it, I really don’t blame her for acting
that way, because if I had known everything
I know now, I would be more understanding.
However, that cannot happen, but I’m glad that
I’m a forgiving person and I was able to heal
our relationship.
I know my mom would do anything for me, as
I would her, but I just still don’t feel like we’re
really that close. I don’t feel like I can tell her
anything like I can with my dad. My dad and
I just bond more in that sense. We are more
alike than my mom and I are, and I think that
always made her jealous because she couldn’t
foster that sort of closeness with me. However,
I do think we are getting there, slowly but surely. I think in the coming years we may achieve
the relationship we both want. Maybe.

Love is old,
love is new

15

16

I just watched this movie tonight, and

every time I watch it, I find myself wishing for Jack to survive, and a little part
of me thinks that somehow, some way,
that it will be true. I swear to god I’ve
watched this movie 300 times, and still,
every single time, I think maybe the outcome will be different. I really wish that
they would make one exactly like the
original, but then *spoiler alert* Jack
lives and we can see his and Rose’s life
together. Or maybe they could make an
alternative one, like we could see Jack
and Rose’s life, like, 20 years later and
have Leo and Kate play them again
and it would be gorious. Ahem, James
Cameron, got your next hit here. (Is he
still alive?)
This is really where my love of Leo
began. The movie debuted in 1997, so
I was only one year old at that time,
but I remember watching that movie
every single day when I was about two.
Yep. I invested three hours of my day
watching this blessed movie hoping
for a better outcome that never came.
I was so obsessed with this movie that
I would even role play Jack and Rose
with my mom. You know, the PG parts
of the movie, not the other stuff. That
would be weird. I just loved Jack so
much. He was my first crush, I think.
That and Nate Sterns. Oh my god,
pre-school was a wild ride. I remember
all the girls were in love with Nate, this
little blonde-haired, blue eyed wonder.
He was quite the looker as a three
year old. I remember begging my mom
to let us have a play date all the time,
but the play date never came. I think I
really liked Nate so much because he
reminded me of Jack (Leo). Mine and
Nate’s paths never really crossed again
until high school, where he didn’t really

suit my fancy anymore. He was kind of
annoying and full of himself and I was
glad I never had that playdate — someone was looking out for future me.
Anyway. Yes, Leo. My love. Still
to this day, he is close to my heart. I
listened to the soundtrack of Titanic in
my room every night before I slept and
hoped I would dream of me and Jack
together. I was thoroughly obsessed.
God, Leo looked so good in that movie.
Bless his beautiful soul. My love for
that movie faltered a bit over the years,
but never disappeared. It was to be rekindled in my senior year of high school
yet again, and this time I expressed
my devotion through my attire. My
boyfriend, Ever, and I would watch that
movie every night after school; he was
in love with Rose, I, with Jack. We even
vowed to dress up as them for Halloween that year, but that didn’t happen
considering I could not find the perfect
dress. I tirelessly searched online for
cool merchandise to express my love
of Titanic, and I found it in the form of
a sweatshirt that advertised the “White
Star Line” (the cruise line responsible
for manning and building the ship) and
I also found this shirt that had an old
promotional poster for titanic printed
on it. I was thrilled. I even found a replica of the poster that was on my shirt
printed on metal at a Vintage Stock and
still have it to this day.
This is also when I began my Instagram dedicated to Leo. I really can’t
remember the name of it for the life
of me, but, I assure you it was a good
one. It was a weird time in my life, but
I made a friend, Lauren, who lives in
England. I never met her but, we still
talk occasionally. I love Leo so much,

TItanic
among other things

y’all. He’s the best. And cute.

17

18

It sounds funny,
but my biggest
fear is that I'm
not perfect. I'm
a perfectionist,
and I get upset
when things go
wrong or when I
don't do well.

Nick Jonas
That time when I was obseessed with Nick when the Jonas Brothers were at the
height of their popularity. Ugh, it was almost was as much as Justin Bieber, but not
quite. But that quote; that is me, in a nutshell. Nick Jonas is me.

19

20

It is an illusion that youth is happy, an illusion of those
who have lost it; but the young know they are wretched for they are full of the truthless ideal which have
been instilled into them, and each time they come in
contact with the real, they are bruised and wounded.
It looks as if they were victims of a conspiracy; for the
books they read, ideal by the necessity of selection,
and the conversation of their elders, who look back
upon the past through a rosy haze of forgetfulness,
prepare them for an unreal life. They must discover for
themselves that all they have read and all they have been
told are lies, lies, lies; and each discovery is another nail
driven into the body on the cross of life.â&#x20AC;?
W. Somerset Maugham, Of Human Bondage

21

22

23

24
drawing by nicole leth

A ll that Leo talk reminded me of how

enamored (and let me not fool you,
I still am) with Justin freaking Bieber. Jesus Christ. That boy. How did
I find out about him, you ask? Well
I’ll tell you. At the time (eighth grade
I believe), my friend Megan was dating this boy named Bobby whom she
had met in a chatroom somewhere
online and she had never met him
in person. Anywho, this Bobby was
an interesting character who I talked to, like once. I was dating his
friend, Max, who
was super cute
and nice and lovely, but he turned
out not to be real,
but rather, a stupid
prank Bobby and his stupid friend
Sam (girl Sam) had thought up. Ha,
these people were like 16 or something at the time and they thought a
good use of their time was to fucking trick a fragile, insecure 12 year
old girl into thinking this cute boy
would give her the time of day. LOL.
I know it was stupid of me to think
that any of it was real, but hey, we
all did stupid things at 12. Anyway,
Bobby was on the phone with me
for some reason and he was like
“Yo! Did you hear of this kid, Justin
Bieber, he’s totally awesome!!” and I

said, like the uneducated oaf I was,
not even realizing how my life would
change drastically, “Don’t you mean
Justin Timberlake?” “No, I mean Justin Bieber. He’s not famous yet but I
have a feeling he will be one day, he’s
super good!” Oh boy, was he right.
Okay, I’ll admit it, I was weary at first.
I was like yeah, okay Justin Bieber.
What kind of name is that anyway?!
Sounds dumb. But I looked him up
anyway and boy oh boy, that was love
at first sight if I ever felt it before. I
sound like a dumb
fangirl, I know, I
know. And I’m not
denying that I’m
not. Because I totally am. There’s
just something about him that I
keep coming back to. I remember I
bought — and I’m not even exaggerating — 5 copies of My World when it
came out, because at the time, Justin
was doing this Willy Wonka-esque
Golden Ticket contest where if you
bought an album and it had a golden ticket in it, you would get to meet
him and go to one of his shows. So
I definitely took advantage of that,
and being that his albums were only
$8.00, my broke ass could afford to
do that. Unfortunately, I did not get
the magical ticket, or else I would

Kidrauhl

25

26

But I continued to Internet stalk
him on YouTube, and I would fall
more in love with each video. I specifically remember one where he
and his friend at the time, Christian
Beadles, were in pink shirts and
black hats, and were just singing
along to some T-Pain. That was my
favorite video and it was before he
was really well known so I feel like
I had some sort of ownership (is
that the right word?) over him, like
I knew him before anyone really
knew him. I would try to rehearse
every dance move in that video and
for my friends who didn’t know him,
try to look cool by using his moves. I
looked like a complete dork, but hey,
that’s my own fault. I would keep
up with him on twitter and always
pray for a tweet back or even a like
at the very least. I was desperate.
His perfume, Someday, came
out on my birthday in 2011 and I
think I asked pretty much everyone
I knew to get me that for my birthday. They came through, being the
good friends that they were, and I
smelled like heaven. Seriously, that
perfume was so good, I even want it
now. I think his movie came out before that, but whatever, I’ll just backtrack a little here. Anyway, the masterpiece that was Never Say Never

changed my Bieber life even more.
I was a freshman in high school
when it came out and my friend at
the time, Shea, and I went to the
theater about four times to go and
see it. I cried every time and I still
do. He was such a little cutie pie and
to see how far he’s come is crazy. I
pretty much can recite that movie
word for word and I’m not ashamed.
We went to Hot Topic and got matching Bieber shirts and wore them
to the movie theater every time we
saw the movie. I wish I still had the
shirt. I had one from when he first
came out too, but that one has all
but disappeared as well. Lol what if
Justin reads this someday. Hi Justin.
So, even as obsessed with Justin
as I was, I gave in to this common
sentiment of hatred toward him for
a small period in my life, and I don’t
know why. I’m still so mad at myself.
Which also reminds me of the time
that Justin, before he was famous,
mind you, came to Kansas City to
Red White & Boom where he was
performing My World before it even
came out and no one knew him! Oh,
and this was on my birthday. Even
better. So, I literally could have had
the chance to meet him and maybe be friends with him somehow
if I would’ve just gone to that gosh

27

darn concert. I will regret it for the
rest of my life. And, me being dumb,
didn’t go to the My World and Believe shows because I was actually
just stupid. Man, he was so beautiful! He still is but you know, it wasn’t
like it was before. His innocence
and excitement were there, but the
fame and the money have caught up
with him, and he just seems drained.
Despite that, my first Justin show
was magical. My friend Desi and I
went together, we bought tickets the
day the show went on sale. I was literally in class, waiting for the tickets
to go on sale, credit card ready and
all. We ended up not actually using
those tickets I bought that day, but by
a brilliant stroke of genius, we decided to sell these tickets that were already good seats and buy even better
seats. We got row 8. ROW EIGHT.
ROW EIGHT!!! On the floor!!! The
next best thing would have been
the freaking pit, but unless someone was willing to give me an extra
$2,000, that would be out of reach.
I’m totally not complaining though.
These were the best seats I’ve ever
had. Oh my goodness. So you think
row 8 wouldn’t be that impressive,
right, as to say, row 1. You thought!
The way the stage was set up was
like a T. The main stage was in the

28

back, but there was a part that outstretched further into the audience,
and guess where it ended. Right
next to us. I literally cried when he
came on stage. I couldn’t believe
how close I was to this boy I had
been enamored with all these years.
I couldn’t even believe it. And I will
swear by this til the day I die, he
looked at me. I have photographic
evidence! He was literally ten feet
away from me. TEN FEET. And he
spent most of the show out on that
little stage next to me instead of the
main stage in the back, so you could
say I was thrilled. I really couldn’t
believe that he was real and he was
there in the flesh and how he could
be so beautiful even with his ugly ass
dreads. God, I’m tearing up thinking
about it. I keep wanting to go back to
that every time I think about it. I never wanted it to end, but that it did too
fast. I can’t wait for the next show,
and I’m determined to meet him,
before he gets all old and crusty.
I’ll probably still love him then, but
it won’t be the same. For now, I will
still continue to love and cherish
him and hope people will see what I
see in him. So, Justin, if you happen
across this one day, just know that I
love you and will always support you.

29

30

We are
homesick most
for the places
we have never
known.
Carson
McCullers

31

32

33

T he Beatles have always been a big part of

count with my fake name and I would
my life; literally since I was born. I owe a follow these accounts that role-played the
big thanks to my dad for being the biggest Beatles. I “dated” this guy who role played
Beatles fan and passing that on to me. Ab- as Paul McCartney and it was very weird
bey Road will always be the most nostal- now that I’m reflecting upon it. God, I was
gic album for me because I have the most such a strange child. But, my Beatles obmemories associated with it: one partic- session was not in vain. I got to see Paul
ularly always is the most vivid -- I think live in concert in July 2010, and I cried
I was about three years old or so, and it when he came on stage. My dad and I
was when my parents were still together. were pretty far away, but the seats weren’t
I was sitting in the back of my dad’s old really that bad. It was a spectacular congold Toyota Camry-- it was from the 80s cert. Paul really knows how to work
I believe because it was really boxy look- a crowd; I mean he’s got like 50 years
ing -- we would drive around listening to of experience. I was only disappointed
“Here Comes the Sun”
when he didn’t play “Kansas
but I always liked singing
City/Hey Hey Hey Hey” while
along to “Come Together”
he was in Kansas City. You
especially during the part
really missed out on a grand
where John says someoppourtuniy, pal. Irregardless,
thing about Coca-Cola.
what a spectacular show it was.
Every time I recall that
I think my favorite Beatmoment, I remember it
les song was “Eight Days A
being blissful and beauWeek” when I was younger.
tiful and sunny and goldThat song really confused
en. When everything was
me, though, because I literalokay. Maybe it wasn’t paul mccartney ly thought the week had eight
okay, totally, but I’ll just redays instead of seven. I never
member it that way. I took
fully grasped that concept unbeing a kid for granted. I always wanted til I was about ten or so, mind you. LOL.
to grow up and be more independent. I’m ridiculous. I had the biggest crush
Now, here I am, twenty years old, almost on Paul at this time and would religious$1,000 deep in credit card debt, getting ly sift the Internet for pcitures of young
an average for four hours of sleep every Paul, because, I mean look at him. He’s
night, only making about $130 every two a beauty. And man oh man that accent
weeks, and on the verge of insanity. I’m was to die for. I acutally thought I was
also breaking out every second and can born in the wrong decade because I just
never have a clear complexion to save wanted to see the Beatles in their prime.
my life. Why did I want this for myself? Man, what a show that would’ve been,
Why didn’t anyone tell me it would be like here in Kansas City in ‘64. If only, if only.
this? Is this normal? Anyway, I digress. The Beatles will definitely always be a
I swear to Christ, I know about every constant in my life, that’s for sure. I always
word to every Beatles song ever. I really find myself going back to them. some sort
became obsessed with them in the eighth of way or another. Their music is so timegrade, where I made my fake Twitter ac- les, I don’t see how someone could not.

“I don’t
work at
being
ordinary.”

34

35

Comeback Kids

36

the Kansas City Royals. You know the name.
You probably know the story. Down 7-3 in the
8th inning of the 2014 Wild Card Game to one
of the most renowned pitchers in the game,
Jon Lester, the Royals never gave up and never gave in. This was their first playoff berth in
29 years, and their fate looked bleak that they
would make it past this game. The crowd was
disgusted as the rookie, Yordano Ventura, gave
up a three run home run in the eighth inning
to put the Oakland Aâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s ahead. We felt defeated. We were all ready to go home or turn off
the TV. But something magical happened that
night. The Royals did not want it to end here,
and especially not like that. They clawed and
scratched their way back, eventually, and with

one swing of the bat by Salvador Perez in the
twelfth inning, they claimed victory. They revitalized baseball in Kansas City. They became
the team that everyone fell in love with and
the team that the city could not get enough of.
They went on to win their next eight games,
sweeping two series and defeating some of the
most hyped and best teams that year, the Los
Angeles Angels and the Baltimore Orioles. Not
only was the city in shock, the whole world was
in shock. Everyone thought it was a fluke. No
one thought the Royals actually deserved to be
there, but that they were in the playoffs by pure
luck and coincidence. No one respected them.
However, despite all the naysayers, the Royals
swept their way into the 2014 World Series.

Ninety feet. They were ninety feet away Gordon grounded out to score Kendrys
from the most prestigious title in Major Morales to take the lead, 7-6. With Minute
League Baseball. It was heartbreaking. We Maid Park roaring just ten minutes before,
all longed for the Cinderella Story to come it now fell silent. They were stunned. And
true. But the clock had struck midnight, and honestly, I was too. I couldn’t believe that
we were jolted back to reality. When the they pulled it off again. They went on to win
hero of the Wild Card Game, Salvador Pe- the game 9-6, and were victorious in Game
rez, popped out to Pablo Sandoval, my heart 5 with the help of an outstanding Johnny
sank. I couldn’t believe it. This wasn’t how Cueto, and moved on to the Championship
The
it was supposed end. But that’s the thing; Series with the Toronto Blue Jays.
that’s not where it ended, but rather, began. Blue Jays gave them a hard time with their
A gut-wrenching loss to the Giants turned powerful offense, but they Royals would be
the ultimate victor. This
out to be a good thing,
would catapult them
and the motivation
to their second straight
from which their
World Series appear2015 World Series
ance. After leading 3
Title would ultigames to 1 in a best-ofmately come from.
seven series, the Royals
During the 2015
were at the advantage
postseason in the
going into Game 5 of the
fourth game of
World Series against
the ALDS against
the New York Mets. Matt
the young HousHarvey shut down the
ton Astros, the city
Royals — Mets having
was having flashthe advantage 2-0 —
backs of the 2014
until the last two outs
Wild Card Game.
Salvador Perez
of the ninth inning. Citi
Down 4 runs in the
Field surged with enereighth inning yet
again, we all were anxious. Our stomachs gy as Harvey jogged to take the mound in
churned at the thought of the Royals los- the ninth. Just three more outs would have
ing in the first round of the playoffs. We all forced a Game 6 in Kansas City. But those
thought that they would make it back to the three outs came too late, as Eric Hosmer’s
World Series, but this time with a different double would drive in Lorenzo Cain and
outcome. The whole season was anticipa- score their first run of the game. Us Roytion for this moment, and it all seemed to als fans back home knew this was it. They
fade away because of two pitches left out were about to win the World Series. Once
over the plate. But they proved us wrong they scored that run, we knew it was all
yet again. With three straight singles and over. The comeback kids never let us down.
one Carlos Correa error, the Royals had Mike Moustakas flied out to move Hosmer
tied the game up. With only one out, Alex to third base. One out. Two more chances.

We like to compete.
We like to play hard.
And we’ll see what
happens at the end
of the game. That’s
what we do every
game.

37

Photo by Michael Robinson

38

And as fate would have it, it
was all up to none other than
Salvador Perez. Fighting off
pitches, Perez was battling
to stay alive at the plate. He
didn’t mean to, but he swang
and made contact. This usually would have been an easy
out, but Hosmer decided to
challenge the Mets’ defense.
On the throw to first, while he
was at third, he sprinted home.
Ninety feet. If the Mets’ first
baseman, Lucas Duda, would
have made even a semi-accurate throw, Hosmer would
have been out by a mile. But
Hosmer took him by surprise,
causing him to rush and make
a throw that not even the catcher, Travis d’Arnaud, could even
attempt to make. When Hosmer slid safely across home
plate, Citi Field fell silent. It

would be until the end of the
game in the twelfth inning,
when the Royals won the 2015
World Series, 7-2, their second
title in history. No one thought
it was possible that the Royals
would come out on top, or even
make it back to the World Series for a second consecutive
year. But they proved everyone
wrong. By winning 8 of their
11 postseason games coming
back from deficits to capture
their second World Series Title, the Kansas City Royals will
be forever known as the comeback kids. After thirty years of
misery, the Comeback Kids
gave Kansas City something
to cheer for again. They revived a city longing for something to be proud of and cherish again. And for that, we
can’t thank you enough,Royals.

39

40

41

42

â&#x20AC;&#x153; Memory

believes before
knowing
remembers.
william faulkner

43

44

45

46

47

â&#x20AC;&#x153;

48

You can't live a
positive life with a
negative mind and if
you have a positive
outcome you have a
positive income and
just to have more
positivity and just to
kind of laugh it off.

â&#x20AC;?

49

50

Remembrance
of things past is
not necessarily
the remembrance
of things as they
were. marcel proust

51

They come out glamorous and simplified,
even the violent ones,
even the ones that are snapshots of fear.
Maybe those costumed,
clung-to fragments are the first wedge
nostalgia drives into our dreaming.
Maybe our dreams are corrupted
right from the start: the weight
of apples in the blossoms overhead.
Even the two thin reddish dogs
nosing down the aisles of crippled trees,
digging in the weak shade
thrown by the first flowerers,
snuffle in the blackened leaves
for the scent of a dead year.
Childhood, first love, first loss of love-the saying of their names
brings an ache to the teeth
like that of tears withheld.
What must happen now
is that the small funerals
celebrated in the left-behind life
for their black exotica, their high relief,
their candles and withered wreaths,
must be allowed to pass through
into the sleeping world,
there to be preserved and honored
in the fullness and color of their forms,
their past lives their coffins.
Goodbye then to all innocent surprise
at mortalityâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s panache,
and goodbye to the children fallen
ahead of me into the slow whirlpool
I conceal within myself, my death,
into its snow-froth and the green-black
muscle of its persuasion.
The spirits of children
must look like the spirits of animals,
though in the adult human
the vacancy left by the child
probably darkens the surviving form.
The apples drop their blossom-shadows
onto the still-brown grass.
Old selves, this is partly for you,
there at the edge of the woods
like a troop of boy soldiers.

52

You can go on living with the blade
of nostalgia in your hearts forever,
my pale darlings. It changes nothing.
Donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t you recognize me? I admit

The Blade of Nostalgia
chase twichell

53

54

I love Hilary. I think she’s my favorite Disney
Channel star thus far. Ha, that rhymed. But
I would always watch Lizzie McGuire after
school every day, and I would constantly
identify myself with her as a character. She
was awkward, pretty, confident (sort of) and
was a loyal friend. I swear, I could identify
with almost every episode, and it really
shaped me as a child, and as a woman. I
know I went to see Hilary in concert in like
2005, but I honestly don’t remember any of
it if I’m being honest. I just remember being
really high up in the seats at the Kemper,
and she came out on stage and that was
about it. I don’t know how I don’t remember
that. It was just a blur. I think I was like 9
years old. You know, that’s happened with a
lot of my concerts I’ve been to -- like this one,
and the Jonas Brothers one as well and kind
of the Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus one as
well.
Despite that, I remember listening to her
albums a lot and my friends and I even had a
Hilary Duff themed party and each of us got
a copy of one of her albums, Metamorphasis.
I think Hilary will continue to be timeless
and be a great role model for young girls and
I will always follow her career. Love you Hil!