Free Advice

When it comes to fashion, I’ve never been one to wear anything outlandish – excluding the time in 5th grade when I used to wear crocheted vests and Troll earrings.

I like to feel comfortable in what I’m wearing. I just make sure my stomach isn’t hanging over my pants and that I don’t have four-boob (which is the unfortunate outcome of wearing a bra that is too small for your boobs). That pretty much sums up my fashion sense these days.

As a result, I don’t follow fashion trends, but I can’t help but notice the problems there are with some of the things I see famous people wearing. I know I’m not an authority on fashion, for the reasons I just mentioned, but if you’re a discerning, shit picking person (which obviously I am), it’s easy to spot these hideous fashion trends:

1. The Headband – The one that is worn over the hair, across the forehead, and after an hour of being worn, it makes the hair poof up around the crown of the head. Please don’t do this. If you are reading this and are presently wearing one of these headbands, you must immediately remove it. No one likes this look but you. I bet if you really searched your soul, you’d find that you don’t really like it either. Maybe you started wearing it when it was more socially acceptable (the first five minutes of when the trend started – maybe not even then), and now you feel naked without it. I promise you’ll be okay.

2. The Clown Makeup – This is a pretty simple thing to avoid. Heavy eyeshadow must only be applied if being worn with a nude lip, or at least a very pale color. Same rule applies if you want to wear dark lipstick. If you are wearing dark lipstick, you have to go easy on the eyeshadow. You can’t wear dark lipstick with heavy eyeshadow, unless, you wanna be a ho or in a Robert Palmer video.

4. The Useless Decorative Button – Unless you’re Michael Jackson, which you’re not for obviously reasons, you shouldn’t have these on any item of clothing. Only Barbie can wear decorative buttons, because if she wore real buttons, the button holes would be too small to actually be buttoned by a full sized human, or even a small child.

5. High-Waisted Pant with Midriff – Why is everyone doing this?! (JLo and Kim Kardashian) All I can think when I see this is, “why would you intentionally make yourself look like you have no torso?” Even on the most toned person, the midriff skin flap ends up hanging over the pant (the ‘s’ was left off intentionally). A high-waisted pant should only be used as a place to tuck-in your muffin top.

6. Platform Shoes – They’re ugly, even on trannies. Same goes for goths with trench coats. I might make an exception for extremely short people, because if you wore heels high enough to make you look tall, the front part of your foot would eventually go numb, and then probably break off. Nah, even you shorties. I think you should just embrace your shortness.

7. Camel Toe – I am reluctant to add this to the list of Hideous Fashion Trends because a severe camel toe can be a lot of fun, both for the presenter and for the viewer. Of course this depends on whether or not the camel toe was intentional. I think I just added it to the list because I wanted to draw a girl with camel toe. My only regret is that it’s not as severe as I had hoped.

I don’t want to be a hater. I really don’t. The thing is I have recently started watching shows like American Idol and The Bachelor, and I’d really prefer not to see anymore chicks with those headbands. It would make my viewing experience much more pleasurable. Also, my husband wouldn’t have to hear me bitch about it, although he agrees with me. That’s right! He willingly watches these shows! In his defense, they’re probably not his first choice, it’s just that I’m pretty bossy with the clicker, (to you younger folks out there, I’m referring to the remote control).

This post is dedicated to the poor souls who are accidentally getting pregnant while they’re still nursing their infants…

I’ve been hearing a lot about women who think they can’t get pregnant if they’re breastfeeding. Apparently, some obgyns are telling their patients that breastfeeding is a viable form of birth control! Who are these doctors?! I’m so happy my midwife is not a moron.

We are currently trying to decide if we should have a baby now or wait until Liam is a little older. As tempting as it is to wake up ten times a night with a newborn, while simultaneously attending to the needs of a tantrum throwing toddler, I think we’re going to wait.

My stance right now could have something to do with the fact that my son is currently piling his oatmeal onto his lap. It kind of reminds me of my great grandmother who, when she really started to lose her marbles, used to stuff silverware in her sheets. Ohhhh Grandma!

Being a mom is exactly like the rest of life. Sometimes it’s easy and sometimes it’s really hard. Typically, the hardest times are when you cannot accept the things that are out of your control. I can hate life if I cannot accept the fact that I have to wake up in the middle of the night to nurse, clean the kitchen several times a day, go grocery shopping, make dinner, and take a shower so that I don’t frighten people by my lack of personal hygiene.

We all have bad days, with or without a baby. The difference is that when you have a baby, if you allow yourself to wallow in your shitty day, you’ll feel ten times shittier than before. When you have a baby, whenever you are a sorry excuse for a human, you feel guilty about it. I know any time I am not at my best, I feel like I’ve failed as a mom. Logically I know I haven’t, but I can’t stop thinking that one fit of tears or burst of rage could condemn my child to a life time of drug abuse and bad relationships.

Then, there are things that are just undeniably bad, like serious financial problems, illness, and/or death. Luckily, in times of true adversity, I tend to get really calm and have that rare (for me) can-do attitude. When life is truly challenging and it seems like things are so bad that you might actually have to seek professional help, all that’s left to do is let it wash over you – like a massive wave that you know will beat the shit out of you if you try to swim to the surface too soon; It’s just a matter of riding it out. If you really don’t think you can get through it, it’s totally acceptable to seek professional help. In fact, it’s really the only time you can do that without being judged. You can’t seek professional help because your baby is crying for the hundredth time over a crappy diaper. I mean, you can, but people will judge you.

The same approach must be applied to every day annoyances and the new set of issues that come with being a new mom. If possible, I find a way to enjoy the crappy household chores and the endless demands from that little fungus that is my baby (don’t forget, a fungus can also be delicious)!

I find a way to lovingly wash the dishes. I do this by focusing on how much I love my dish soap and crisp new sponge (the blue one is for dishes, and the yellow one is for counter tops). If there’s a really tough pot that wasn’t soaked the night before, I let it sit in hot soapy water, and ten minutes later I climax over how easily the stubborn burnt chicken juice comes right off! I transform the mundane act of dish washing into an experience. This may sound unbelievable or like I’m pulling your chain, but I swear I’m not. Don’t even get me started on my lovely, well washed, highly absorbent, soft cotton striped dish towels that I only allow my husband to use for drying. They have not a spot on them!

I relish in the new ways I can find to distract Liam during a diaper change, rather than obsessing over how irritating he can be when he’s flopping around on the changing table like a goddamn Mexican jumping bean, seemingly trying to wipe his ass on every surface he can find. It is pure ecstasy when my wipes dispenser has just been loaded and warmed the wipes to absolute perfection! A brand new tube of honest company diaper rash cream can be life changing.

Cleaning the floors can fill anyone’s afternoon with joy. My secret is a napping baby, a Miele vacuum that I found on Craigslist, a brand new vacuum bag filled with perfumed vacuum beads, a Sh-mop (that’s the name of the mop I use), and honest company all natural/baby friendly/earth friendly/make you feel like a better person floor cleaner.

I could go on…

I know I should probably be talking about how I do these things for my little family because I love them, and I do. But a big part of it is my on going love affair with cleaning products and diaper station gadgets.

NOTE: I do not make money off of any links to products that I may provide, and my enthusiasm for consumer products does not reflect a lack of meaning or spirituality in my life.

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