“It’s like an octopus,” grandma Doris Birch told the paper. She was in bed when she felt a “creepy pair of hands” that left when she kicked frantically. But whoever it is keeps coming back, she says. Buying a new mattress didn’t help.

So the Herne Bay Times did, stepping in to hire a husband-and-wife ghost busting team to give Doris’ spirit the boot. The story doesn’t exactly say whether the spirit amscrayed or not; if it doesn’t work, we suggest Doris either criticize his technique—and not constructively—or hint that she wants to get married.