13 Things Not To Say To Your Lesbian Friend

It's 2014. Nearly everyone has a token lesbian friend. Hell, some of you even have two. Here are a few tips on what not to say to those lesbian friends (friendsbians, if you will) so that they'll love you forever and stop telling you how cool you'd be "if you just weren't so straight."

1. I have SUCH a girlcrush on Jennifer Lawrence. *looks at me, winks*
Girls are attractive. You like to look at them sometimes. I like to make out with them sometimes. This is because, as previously mentioned, girls are attractive. It doesn't mean that we get to wink at each other, or that we are now best friends who understand a special secret. It means that Jennifer Lawrence is hot and we both have eyeballs.

2. It must be so awesome to never have to deal with a MAN.
Um, why? Because I get an extra hair dryer? Because four boobs are better than two? Because we can paint each other's nails? Spoiler alert: We don't do romantic manicures, double PMS is the opposite of awesome, we still fight about the same dumb sh*t as everyone else, and plenty of women prefer watching football over hearing you whine about your shoes.

3. So, who's the boy in your relationship?
Hopefully no one… because I like women. You did catch that part about me being a lesbian, right?

4. You're gay?! That is so cool.
COOL? That's cool?! My faux leather jacket that looks like a real leather jacket… THAT'S COOL. My vintage sweatshirt that makes everyone think I went to Harvard... THAT'S COOL. My cat doing a mid-air backflip to catch a fish on a string??? THAT SH*T IS COOL. Me boning ladies? That's just another Tuesday night.

5. How do you guys… *shifty eyes* …YOU KNOW?
Listen. If we are TALKING about sex, you can talk to me about sex. If we have just met, or if we are talking about wallpaper, please do not think that I will be your guide to the land of lesbian sex. You've got a hand, a mouth, and a vagina. Figure it out.

6. What do you mean you think Channing Tatum is cute? I thought you were gay!
Remember that time you thought my yorkie, Kibbles, was soooo cute and then I assumed you wanted to date puppies? And you were like, 'No, weirdo I don't want to date your puppy I just think Kibbles is adorable.' You can go ahead and apply that logic here.

7. My boyfriend wouldn't even care if we made out…
Oh, your boyfriend says it's cool? Oh, good! So you want to make out with me and your boyfriend thinks that's fine, so I guess we'd better do this... *takes off shirt*

Oh, wait. NO ONE ASKED ME.

8. But… how do you know you're gay?
Well, when I see a cute guy I'm like 'Hey, what's up, you're cute,' and when I see a cute girl I'm like *hides in a corner and can't talk.* Then when the boy wanted to date me, I was like 'Sorry, I'm gay,' and when the girl wanted to date me I was like *hid in a corner and couldn't talk,* and now we're married.

9. Can you open this jar / fix my television / kill this bug?
Kissing girls doesn't make me stronger than you. Liking boobs doesn't give me an automatic knowledge of electronics. And no I cannot kill that bug for you IT IS HUGE AND WILL PROBABLY CLIMB UNDER MY FINGERNAILS AND LAY EGGS UNDER MY SKIN.

10. Have you ever been with a guy?!?!
Been with a guy? I sat next to one on the train today, does that count? Why does this matter to you? Will I be a different person if I've had a penis in my vagina? Do I get a badge? Will I be less of a lesbian? More of a lesbian? Will you feel closer to me if we both understand what balls look like up close? Please explain.

11. But if you like girls that look like boys... why don't you want to date boys?
I don't know. If you like boys so much, why don't you want to date my girlfriend who "looks like a boy"? Case dismissed, overruled, approach the bench, goodnight.

12. But you're so pretty!
Ohhhhhhhh, I didn't realize that pretty people were straight and ugly people were gay. My bad. Thank you for enlightening me.

13. I made out with a girl in college. *looks at me, winks*
We all made out with a girl in college. Your mom probably made out with a girl in college. Making out with girls is fun, and you like fun and you've had some life experience. Good for you. PLEASE. STOP. WINKING. AT. ME.

Kristin Russo lives in New York City and holds a master's degree in gender studies. Dannielle Owens-Reid lives in Los Angeles where she rehearses stand-up comedy in front of her cat. Together they run the website everyoneisgay.com.

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