Are you a recently returned Mormon missionary about to get married knowing deep down in your gut that you are gay?

Don’t do it!

The name of this blog, Dad’s Primal Scream, has never been more appropriate.

To me, a primal scream starts from some deep inner angst while outwardly observing something horrific over which I have no control. The good news is that today it’s not about my kids. It’s about someone else’s child, someone I don’t know personally.

Could this be about you?

I understand what it’s like to not WANT to be gay, to want a celestial marriage, and to want that picture perfect happiness of a faithful LDS family sealed in the temple. And being gay just doesn’t jive with that. It doesn’t fit into that plan.

I understand how growing up in the church one can imagine that you’re only gay if you are doing gay things. And if you’re not actually having gay sex, then you must not be gay. I get how you got into that head space.

The problem is that it’s an oversimplification of human nature. You cannot strong-arm sexual attraction and desire like they want you to believe you can.

How do I know you?

I don’t.

But, I do know you exist, and that you are about to make a grave, powerful mistake.

My ex-wife’s current husband also has four children, teens and young adults. These children are the step-siblings of my somewhat younger children. Rumor has it that one of the step-sisters is about to get married to her fiance who is gay. Well, he was once gay, or once did something slightly gay, or only has a tiny ounce of gay in him at the moment, or he’s been cured.

All I really know is that my kids have heard the whispering of his cured homosexuality and that the marriage is proceeding. My ex-wife who was so greatly hurt in our divorce and my subsequent coming out is standing on the sidelines while her step-daughter makes the same horrible mistake. Well, no, actually worse because the bride knows this time.

Horrified at hearing all this, I asked my daughter why their mother isn’t stepping in to say or do something. She told that her mom didn’t want to be mean and had said,

“If two people love each other and are faithful enough in the gospel then it will all work out!!!”

What’s that saying? “Those who forget history are doomed to repeat it.”

The problem in our marriage wasn’t that we didn’t love enough or weren’t faithful enough in the gospel. That simple-minded answer horrifies me and it ignores the truth.

It’s mean to stand idly by and let someone make such a mistake and to not say anything. So, I’m saying something.

I don’t know you. I’ve never seen you or even shaken your hand. I only know you in the 3rd person but I understand you more than you think I do.

DON’T DO IT.

I did something very similar 22 years ago and it was only sustainable for a short period of time, for almost 11 years.

Sure, some people marry and survive just like some people venture over Niagara Falls and survive it, but not without injuring themselves and many people in the process. It leads to a weak quality of life and a deep chronic inner turmoil. According to information from a USU study, “The findings suggest that rejection or compartmentalization of sexual identity may be difficult to sustain over time and likely comes at a significant psychosocial cost.”

Those who paint a rosy picture of such marriages are being dishonest and duplicitous with you. More specifically they are being dismissive of their wives and of your current fiance. If you really truly loved her, you wouldn’t do this to her. And she wouldn’t expect it of you if her friendship and love were true.

I understand the wedding is soon. My ex-wife was out shopping today for a dress for my daughter to wear. It could even be this weekend but I suggest you reconsider NOW. It’s not too late.

I know so many happy, out, gay men who are living lives of integrity and honesty. Many are also returned missionaries. They’re good fathers, loving partners and valuable members of society. They’re successful. You could be that too and there are a lot of us out here ready to welcome you with open arms. You don’t know me but you are welcome to knock on my door anytime and I’ll listen. I’ll introduce you to others and we’ll help you in any way we can.

You’ve got your wide variety of drugs. Some people drink alcohol in excess. Some people are addicted to heroine, meth, crack cocaine, prescription pain killers. Some things like sex and food are wonderful in moderation, but they can be indulged in to such a time-consuming extreme that they become a drug as well.

Religion, especially Mormonism, falls in that mix of fairly harmless activities that at a fundamental extreme level become vices. Maybe it is worse because it’s sold and promoted in the name of truth and love – and it is condoned by the public as righteous.

The fact is that Mormonism divides people, steals their free will, suffocates creativity and expression, stifles passions, replaces “reason” with illusion, and casts a person’s mind/soul into voluntary bondage and servitude. Hence the danger: lured by love and truth into the cage, and then become a “soldier” to put the bars around everyone else.

At least the dangers of meth are advertised. At least the information is available to give meth users a viable “choice” on whether to use or not. Religion is inherited, and force fed to our children.

Religion is a drug. Like any drug, it will help you escape from reality. It will take away some of the perceived “sting” of existence. It will take the burdens of thought off your shoulders. It will make you feel like you can fly from the ledge, without wings… It will purport to solve life’s most serious problems. The ironic catch is that the very “sting” and the very “problems” religion can solve are merely fabricated “problems” created by the religion itself.

Here’s what it looks like when you are addicted to Mormonism, when you buy into its fabricated idea that your very being is a problem and therefore you need to keep taking the drug to overcome the “problem.” Gay Mormons who have bought the idea wholesale that acting “gay” is the “problem” part of being a gay Mormon, therefore turn ever more forcefully to the institution that created the “problem” in the first place…

Like a drug, the intoxicating effects cannot last forever. Reason does seep in… You have to increase the dose to stay high, to ward off contradiction. That’s why you’ll find that self-doubting gay men make up some of the highest ranking leaders or most dedicated followers. Gay Mormon men, as you can see here even make some pretty good husbands, as they pour on their straight spouse-loving efforts into a cocktail of bitter and sweet that leaves them feeling an initial high and a most certain hangover. They have to turn to it MORE, give MORE money, marry, serve in callings, bear testimony MORE.

The videos in this Voices of Hope only show the intoxicated and drugged. They leave out the morning after walks of shame that surely occur in quiet, solitary moments for these men and women as something deep inside them whispers that they are pretending.

And, in the end, it will steal their life… But it’s a voluntary trade: accept the lies and illusions in return for mind numbing escape… You can call it truth to make you feel better. What an amazing addiction! A justified, self-righteous numbness and the path to heaven! Meth without societal disapproval! Religion on a “crusade” to justify itself.

PS. This whole Voices of Hope thing is apparently an off-shoot of the North Star effort. I’ve commented several times that I believe otherpro-Mormon, anti-gay online efforts seem to be too slick and too coordinated to be just random Mormons. And I believe Voices of Hope is the glue that connects them all. The videographer for Voices of Hope is the dude here.

When I watch Ty and the others in the video I see drug addicts trying to convince themselves and others that their drug of choice is the answer. I only see pain and co-dependent spouses.

It would be interesting to see who is contributing to their efforts to raise over a million dollars.

The only Mormon policies or teachings that ever really impacted me, however, are the ones that took place between 1965 (by birth) and 2006 (my resignation).

Since I voluntarily left the LDS faith, my ongoing concern has revolved around my children’s indoctrination and how that impacts my relationship with them. I’ve commented on current gay LDS issues because they continue to impact me and my children. I’ve been repulsed by North Star, humored by Mormons and Gays, challenged by Circling the Wagons and either uplifted or dismayed by all the other gay Mormon bloggers out there.

More importantly, however, I know there are younger versions of me out there today. Pre-adolescent gay Scouts and gay Aaronic Priesthood holders must be getting so many confusing messages from so many different sources that just didn’t exist when I was that age. The only message I really got was in quiet, embarrassed, muted tones that there’s something called homosexuality that makes people really uncomfortable, angry and embarrassed and that whatever you do in this life, DON’T be IT.

Still, deep down I knew that I was IT despite the horror. But I had no coping mechanisms and so I followed a path that included faithfulness to the church, and a lot of heartache, shame and hopelessness along the way. Fortunately that never led me to the despair of attempting suicide, but it was certainly close enough that I can fathom it, and I know others who have.

What if there had been voices in my community expressing messages of self-worth, love, admiration and unity, absent the condemnation, ambivalence and hell-fire? I can’t fathom the difference it would have made in my life. I found something today that the current younger versions of myself need to read.

If you are LGBTQ in any shape, form, at any point along the spectrum, or related to someone who is and if you have any sort of connection to the LDS faith now or in the past this is the definitive web site to check out.

It’s fairly new and I have to be honest that I ignored it when I first heard about it. It was around the same time that the LDS church officially published their tepid attempt at addressing the issue in an intelligent and loving way. No More Strangers is different from that. It’s not North Star or even Affirmation where despite claims to the contrary, the underlying message is “Be LDS” or “We feel sad if you can’t believe and be faithful like us.”

I don’t get the self-righteous vibe from No More Strangers like I do from other blogs out there. It seems to walk the fine line between accepting the reality of homosexuality and welcoming the varied approaches to life inside or outside the LDS faith.

My only observation would be that there seems to be too few actually gay authors like myself, and I can’t decide if that’s a good thing or not. I admit that having straight, faithful LDS voices speaking in favor of and in support of their gay brothers and sister is tremendously helpful. This site has that.

But maybe a voice is needed over there that says, “Thanks for the LDS support, but no thanks on the ‘please come back’. I fully admire and and encourage the changes for today’s youth. I’ll see you all at my kids’ ward functions, and warmly hug you at your future LDS-approved weddings, but my life is better without the LDS Church and my LDS interest remains due solely to my children still being raised it. Thank you for working to create an environment where it is OK for them to love and respect me, their gay apostate father.”

Isn’t it so awesome that the Mormon Church is giving permission to its members to love their gay family and friends!!!! We can now be welcomed with “compassion” and “open arms” … as long as we act straight.

I’ve been quite preoccupied in my new location for reasons I’ll get into in another post. I’m bummed that I totally missed out on the dialogue last week regarding the Mormon Church’s new PR effort, the website www.mormonsandgays.org

Haven’t figured out what a “SAND” gay is, but that’s besides the point.

Straight liberal Mormons seem thrilled.

Active gay Mormons now have an official voice other than North Star (although it appears to be one in the same).

Gay former Mormons such as myself seem unimpressed or “meh” at best.

There is so much that I wanted to say about it, but I feel like the hour to give a timely reaction has passed. So, I won’t.

But if by chance you are wondering why I’m not just bowled over in joy nor feeling the love, visit the best commentary on the Mormons’ new site done by way of a parody site www.mormonsandnegroes.org

Really. Go look at it and compare. It’s priceless. Imagine you are in pre-1978 Mormondom and enjoy.

My own reaction to the Mormon Sand Gays site as it best coincides with my experience of being a gay Mormon can best be summed up by a quote from Frederick Douglas:

I prayed for freedom for twenty years but received no answer until I prayed with my legs.

As a postscript… I’ve long been a fan of Dan Pearce’s blog Single Dad Laughing. When I first chanced upon his site over a year ago I just loved his writing voice and connected with his story. I suspected that he was a former Mormon too. He is.