Lolo Jones Will Tell You What To Do

Self-proclaimed virgin Lolo Jones doesn’t want you to see Fifty Shades of Grey because she doesn’t approve of the sex she’s never had. She’s likely projecting her circumstances unto the rest of society like your dumb teenage nephew in the Slipknot shirt you ignore at the barbecues:

“Funny how some people think there’s nothing wrong with 50 shades of Grey. God didn’t create sex for that purpose… Watch another movie… Some ppl medicate pain by being more and more physical to where if they are ever alone they can’t feel any peace.”

Being more physical like training for the Olympics ten hours a day for eight years? I’d take a dick over that scenario. It sounds like you could benefit from a good rodgering more than just about any other person on earth. Fuck it do thirty more push ups. Just make the tingling stop. I’m not sure why God created sex, but it seems like he wants you to do it. Even Jones herself can attest to this:

“It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. Harder than training for the Olympics, harder than graduating from college has been staying a virgin before marriage.”

The proof is in the pudding. You’re 32 years old. At the very least just trick God and marry a Chippendale for the night in Vegas. If you’re the guy who finally gets in there hire a body guard immediately and move to a state with strict gun control laws. This chick is almost certain to ritually sacrifice the man who finally takes her cherry.