My Silent Lucidity

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

I think it is partly due to my bipolar. This season just seems to wear me out quickly.

It begins by losing our extra daylight hours. And then the holidays roll in.

One after another.

Corporations enhance my mental state of mind by putting out ALL the decorations at once. I mean, seriously? Can we just do one at a time please? It's depressing really, to see how commercialized the holidays have become.

And then you have those that for one reason or another, like to blast that Halloween is Satan's Day. Thanksgiving is Native American Slaughter Day and that Christmas was stolen from the pagan's.

Did ya'll just see that ENORMOUS eye roll?

Sure, maybe what they say is true. Or not. They are entitled to believe what they want but WHY OH WHY do some people have to ruin it for everyone? If that's how you believe. WONDERFUL. But, come on now, remember what our Momma's taught us. If you have nothing nice to say, shut up.

Which brings me to why I am writing.

Halloween is fast approaching and I have a little one in my midst again. We have temporary custody of my 13 month old grandson. He is my son's son. Long story. One day I will write about it for you all.

I am beginning to believe that perhaps Halloween IS Satan's holy day. It has already got me and my dear husband fighting.

Sigh.

One of the joys of being bipolar for me is that I have much difficulty in making decisions. I also suffer from social anxiety, which makes it extremely difficult for me to go out shopping. There is a list of other things I suffer from, but I digress, that is not why I am here today.

It was not too difficult to decide what the grandbaby would be. YAY!!!!

A turtle.

Simple right?

Wrong.

After spending weeks scouring over online yard sale sights (I am an online yard sale junkie) and multiple trips around our city we could not find one REGULAR turtle outfit in our BIG old city to save our lives. 118,000 people live here, so you would THINK one could find a flipping turtle costume. But NO, it's ALL Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle crap.

I did look online and found plenty, but I am NOT going to spend that kind of money on a costume that will be worn once for approximately 2 hours at most.

And so, in my infinite wisdom, I decided we would all put our suggestion on paper and then draw out of a hat. Good idea right? Saves this Gammy some stress right?

Wrong.

So, we draw out a slip of paper and lo and behold, he shall be a puppy.

AWWWWWS!!!!

Everyone is good with the costume. Well, kind of, because we each were hoping for something different, but that's the luck of the "draw."

HA.

Then my son calls. During our conversation, he says to me, "I wish I could pick what he would be for Halloween." Well, my son hasn't seen the baby since April, (if not longer) again, long story, another blog. Well, I think, "What harm can it do, to give him this one thing?" So, I let him pick and he offers to pay and ship the costume to us. Win-win, if you ask me.

Wrong again.

Beloved get MAD at me and gives me the silent treatment. Now, I knew something was wrong, but since I am not a mind reader, I wasn't sure exactly WHAT. So after enduring a full day of the silent treatment, I send him a calmly written text to ask him WHY I was getting the silent treatment.

O.K. you got me. It wasn't a nice text at all.

In short, he tells me that he doesn't like that my son made the decision, and none of HIS idea's were good enough, and he was good enough to raise the baby, but not make any of the decisions.

At this point, my jaw dropped and my temper flared.

I am damned if I do and damned if I don't.

I REALLY wasn't thinking like that AT ALL. My son made a very hard decision to willing give custody to my husband and I. My son WANTS to care for the baby, but KNOWS he just is NOT in the position financially or mentally. Does NOT mean that he does not want to be a Dad. This is his first child after all and he already has this complex about not wanting to be like his Dad.

And so, after a brief and nasty text argument, I made a ANOTHER decision.

YAY ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Not really.

I decided the baby wouldn't go AT ALL.

:(

Not what I really WANTED to do. I was just.

so.

ANGRY.

I *thought* my beloved understood the situation and obviously I am wrong.

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

I have deleted all the old posts here as those were from a much darker time in my life. Perhaps I should have left them up for prosperity sake but there are people out there who would use them against me to perhaps say I was "crazy".

People snap.

I snapped.

At least I didn't kill anyone.

The divorce.
My son going to jail.
The break down of my daughter and I's relationship.
The break down of my family as a whole.

That's A LOT of one mind to deal with much less when it all happens at once. It's enough to make anyone break. And that's what I did. Luckily for me, I got, educated, dedicated and medicated. And I got better. Yes, I still have those days, sometimes weeks, that I struggle through depression, mania and sometimes both. This is why I write. I give all those voices a chance to speak and there are a few I chose to share those times with, so that there can be some perspective and maybe one day an understanding of the bipolar mind. Books helped me in my darkest hours and maybe one day my journey will be made into a book and I can help someone else. I can always dream and pray that my words may always be uplifting and educational.

Oh that was such a deeply dark time in my life, that I wasn't sure I would make it through. But here I am almost 5 years later.

I wont say the dark times won't come again. Doctor's say absolutely they will happen again. Just the way my brain is wired. But, now I have a way to deal with those times.

Writing is one of those ways.

It's my therapy.

Something I learned while I was in the hospital. But haven't really had time to devote to it. Because like right now I have a 13 month old running around my feet and climbing under my chair while crying and so my writing has taken a backseat to say the least.

I do have various forms of writing that I enjoy doing, from narrative to erotic. Don't worry. You wont see any of the former here. I have made a separate account for that.

I KID. LOL.

I do that a lot by the way, kid that is.

I use to write a lot on MySpace, but then all the douchebags and trolls showed up. And by that, I mean those who can not express an opinion without resorting to name calling or the personal attack of another's beliefs or views. It was heartbreaking really. I think that may have played at small percent, like 0.01%, in my break down in 2009. I tried to write a few times after I got out of the hospital, but I just sat there staring at paper or the computer. Frozen in fear of what others may think when they read my unfiltered thoughts on life.

I lost my love for writing when I was called all sorts of foul names. I also developed a fear of expressing who I am. All that, simply because I had a different view of the world than the next person. I tried to be nice. I did. But soon, I found myself very angry that people could be so cruel to others for simply having a DIFFERENT WAY OF THINKING OR BELIEFS. Listen, I am OK if you are "pro-choice" and I am "pro-life". All I ask is that when you come to my home (home being this blog aka my mind) you not call me an idiot for my beliefs and I won't call you a murdering skank bag of a whore for murdering your child :) ok?

O.k.

I have beliefs and you have beliefs or maybe you don't. As in a belief of deity or not. And THAT'S OK!!! Don't call me a paranoid, delusional idiot for believing in Jesus Christ and I won't tell you that you are going to hell :) ok? Okaaaay :)

To clarify here, I did NOT just say I AM "pro-life" or that I was a believer. Its an EXAMPLE of the way I write. Sadly, I tend to "generalize" and "label" for sake of not getting TOO long winded in my thoughts. Even though, I for one, do not like "labels". I am guilty of using them for the sake of time and sadly, more people than not identify themselves by certain "labels". We have the "believer" and the "atheist", we have "Republicans" and "Democrats", "white" and "black" and the list goes on. It can get quite microscopic if you let it really. The labels that is.

Then I saw that coming out in my writing. The anger and disappointment. That people could be so cruel to one another. I didn't start writing to be angry or defensive about what I hold morally, ethically and spiritually in MY HEART as "right".

Am I saying that I AM right?

No.

It's just how I do.

I write for entertainment and I hope, the education first and foremost, for myself and secondly for others. Keep it RESPECTFUL and we will be fine. I will cover a variety of topics here. Some days may just be a thoughts journal like this one. Some days I will cover something more specific. A hodgepodge if you may. Most of it will be related to what I am thinking, going through or struggling with at the moment. I encourage you to participate here. I don't know everything and I wouldn't have invited you here if I did not value your opinion.

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Welcome to my Crazy World of Silent Lucidity

The lyrics below are from Queensryche. They beautifully describe exactly how I feel about my life and my diagnosis of being Bipolar.

Silent Lucidity lyrics

(Chris DeGarmo)Hush now don't cryWipe away the teardrop from your eyeYou're lying safe in bedIt was all a bad dreamSpinning in your headYour mind tricked you to feel the painOf someone close to you leaving the game of lifeSo here it is, another chanceWide awake you face the dayYour dream is over...or has it just begun?There's a place I like to hideA doorway that I run to in the nightRelax child, you were thereBut only didn't realize it and you were scaredIt's a place where you will learnTo face your fears, retrace the tearsAnd ride the whims of your mindCommanding in another worldSuddenly, you hear and seeThis magic new dimensionCHORUSI-will be watching over youI-am gonna help you see it throughI-will protect you in the nightI-am smiling next to you...in silent lucidityIf you open your mind for meYou won't rely on open eyes to seeThe walls you built withinCome tumblng down, and a new world will beginLiving twice at once you learnYou're safe from pain in the dream domainA soul set free to flyA round trip journey in your headMaster of illusion, can you realizeYour dream's alive, you can be the guide but...CHORUS---------------------------------------------------