No free wireless internet? You’ve got to be kidding. Furthermore, no free internet, period? Ridiculous. You mean to tell me that I’m stranded here without being able to communicate with my wife through a series of clever emoticons? Do you realize she is pregnant? No, not that kind of rushing-to-the-hospital pregnant, not yet, but still! How am I supposed to keep track of her every wave of nausea? How can you do this to me!?