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Sunday, October 31, 2010

The best zombie films start quietly, and evidently so do the best zombie shows. In what can sometimes be a genre that gets consistently overpowered by intense action scenes, and chaos surrounding the inevitable zombie apocalypse, the quiet and calm start to AMC's The Walking Dead is nothing short of unnerving.

I admit to having a less than warm reception when talk started happening about The Walking Dead. I blame this of course on the recent idolization of the zombie genre. Back when zombies were still considered to be terrifying---they were pretty cool but then people started getting major boners whenever the word zombie was mentioned, and they soon began to lose their appeal. Maybe it's because I want to hate everything that's popular, maybe it's because I feel like I have to. Whatever the reason, zombies and I seldom got along with each passing day.

The Walking Dead especially made me weary, as I found the sneak peeks to be a confusing notion of, "Wait a minute, haven't I seen this before? Is this the Americanized version of 28 Days Later?" I began to make assumptions in my head and began touting the show as just another car attaching itself onto the zombie train. Having not been familiar with the graphic novel the show is based on, I guess I couldn't really make those assumptions and sleep well at night. Once the pilot started to get rave reviews, and I realized that hey, I would like to have a critically acclaimed horror TV show back on the air--I started to relax a bit. Add that to the very comforting notion that AMC has been spitting out amazing show after amazing show and I was getting more excited by the day.

Now that the premiere has come and gone, I think most of us are doing the celebration dance of the century. The Walking Dead quietly made its mark---flooding our eyes with some of the subtlest images of horror imaginable. We are given a character that we can feel close to immediately, as we are kept in the darkness just as he has been. We like him have no real clue was is happening, or why. We feel connected and are practically able to share the smell of the rotting flesh with him.

Suffice to say it is a good sign when a movie or TV show is capable of giving me a mini panic attack. Filling my head with what if scenarios. What if I woke up alone, and frightened in a hospital and found a similar massacre? I often rave on and on about how a shark attack would be the scariest thing in the world, but now I'm not so sure. Complete isolation, unbearable loneliness and no possible idea of how it happened might just be a little worse.

I could not believe the nightmares that kept piling up. Practically every single shot was just as terrifying as the next. Finally, zombies had returned in their most terrifying form. Slow and ambling, menacing simply because of what they are--zombies so scary, I could kiss them. Even more wonderful was the reemergence of characters that we cared about. Characters that we rooted for, that we feel for and that practically made us cry. Finally we are given characters that show actual emotional upheaval at the very thought of killing their loved ones. Surprisingly for a show about the zombie apocalypse, The Walking Dead may just be the most realistic show out there.

So welcome to the best new show on cable. AMC has done it again, but who was really surprised? Needless to say, The Walking Dead has made me insanely eager about Sunday nights. And thank god, because church was getting really fucking boring.

By now you've probably noticed that my original plans to celebrate Halloween fell through. Apparently, everyone who owns a Netflix account was thinking the exact same thing I was, as all of the movies I had lined up became long waits and short waits. So in any case, I celebrated Halloween by doing nothing different in the slightest. Hopefully this didn't upset too many of you, but if it did, I've arranged a few truly spectacular scenes to get you in the mood. Some of them may have been Willy Inducing and others just delightfully spooky enough to give you goosebumps--whatever their classification, I love them all.

So enjoy this almost perfect fall afternoon, and have a very Happy Halloween!

Friday, October 29, 2010

I sometimes think about how I used to be put off from buying certain products based on the creepiness of the man on the front. If you think about it there does seem to be a staggering amount of commercial mascots that are creepy and that are MEN. The only women I could think of, I liked...Mrs. Butterworth--she's a peach, Aunt Jemima-- racist but still nice looking. The only questionable one was Wendy because I don't love gingers, although she does have a certain Pippy Longstocking's thing about her so I guess that's okay.

Yes, I think that companies should pay better attention to making all mascots non-creepy. Stick to animals or cute little elves and you'll be fine. The following list is a compilation of all the commercial mascots that I've been creeped out by the most. As luck would have it most of these would be awesome Halloween costumes...who knew?

The Quaker Oats Man

Chuckie from Rugrats was famous for being scared of "the guy on the oatmeal" box and I must say that I've always agreed with him. Quakers happen to be a little scary. I blame their hats, it reminds me of some creepy Children of the Corn thing. I've also kind of always felt that The Quaker Oats guy looks exactly like the kind of man that would turn into a demonic sorcerer, just like Vigo the Carpathian. What, nobody else gets that feeling? Luckily for Quaker Oats they do make good oatmeal so their poor decision to make this man the mascot didn't hurt anyone. Although it isn't very hard to make good oatmeal, all you have to do is NOT be Cream of Wheat.

The Brawny Man

Have I ever mentioned how I've always had a fear of men with mustaches? Well I do. I also hate the Brawny man's hair and its strange color...yeah he just creeps me out for unexplained reasons. I should also point out that the guy who used to run the Stop & Shop in my hometown looked just like him. That made things difficult. Also, as of today they have updated the Brawny man to make him more "modern" but I know they really did it because people were complaining about his creep factor. How do you think he looks now?

Hmmm maybe the mustache is important. He does look less Brawny without it. Damn it.

Mr. Clean

I don't have a problem with bald men in the slightest. John Locke for instance is the epitome of an awesome bald man so don't worry. The problem I do have with Mr. Clean however is that his eyebrows are white and bushy. Why can't they make him look normal? Are they white because he's so clean? And what's with the earring? I don't know about this Mr. Clean character...he seems like he has a shady past. Maybe he was in prison at one point. Probably for cleaning people's houses without asking first or maybe you know...drugs. Clearly he's not as clean as we thought.

The Green Giant

Why would I want to buy green beans from someone like him? Believe me I've been struggling with this question for most of my life. I guess I just don't like the idea of a "giant" especially one that pretends to be a tree. Also, is he naturally green, or did he paint himself one day? Did he descend from a bean? What IS his story exactly? Whatever it is, I don't trust him. Not one bit. He should also look into getting a longer dress. We don't need vulgarities on our frozen vegetables.

Colonel Sanders

This kind of goes back to the Quaker Oats thing. Why does he have to wear that long tie thing? And the glasses, the white hair AND mustache? It's almost too much. The worst of it is, that Colonel Sanders was a real person! No one is safe in this world if people like him are making fried chicken and delicious biscuits. Note: I'll be the first to admit that I love KFC--I do and I don't care what you say. How do they get it so moist? I bet it has nothing to do with Colonel Sanders and his skinny long black tie.

Kool-Aid Man

As much as I hate Dane Cook, he has a point. Just who does the Kool-Aid man think he is? Also, why are kids so excited to see him? The "man" is terrifying. A talking pitcher of punch is nothing to get excited about. Plain and simple, the Kool-Aid man is a bully. What if I don't get excited and I don't drink his Kool-Aid? He would obviously punch a hole through me. Also, Kool-Aid is gross.

Ronald McDonald

These next two should come as no surprise. I've said this before but whose bright idea was it to make a clown the mascot for delicious fast food? Ronald McDonald is an asshole, plain and simple. Worst. Mascot. Ever.

The Burger King

Apparently, Burger King borrowed a few tricks from McDonalds. Creepy sells I guess. Naturally, the Burger King was made creepy on purpose so he kind of loses points for being obvious. Still though, nothing is scarier than seeing someone dressed like the Burger King. It makes me want to jump into the nearest dumpster full of pencil shavings and hide until he's gone.

Jared

Jared sucks. Let me tell you a story about Jared. Once upon a time Jared was fat. Then Jared lost weight by eating Subway sandwiches. Does this make sense? Not really. Who eats a sandwich everyday and loses weight? Biggest crock of lies I've ever heard. Unfortunately for Jared losing weight will never rid him of that creepy looking face. By the way, I'm starting my KFC diet tomorrow. Can't wait to see the results!

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

I'd been oddly attracted to seeing Cube ever since I looked up Vincenzo Natali on Netflix to check him out. Back when Splice came out I was supposed to go to a pre-screening of the film with a Q&A afterwards with Natali. Seeing Cube's staggeringly high rating on both Netflix and IMDB was exciting enough but for some reason I never made it to the screening. I have since then of course always been excited to finally see Cube and last night I got my chance.

Cube is a low budget film straight from Canada that centers on the premise of 6 strangers waking up to find themselves trapped in a maze of cube shaped rooms. With no food or water the importance of escaping becomes top priority. However upon further exploration of the cube, the strangers find several of the rooms to be rigged with deadly traps, making their escape that much more difficult. Can they solve the puzzle of the cube and escape with their lives?

I would be remiss if I didn't say that Cube reminded me somewhat of the dreaded Saw series particularly Saw II. However, it is a much smarter, more intriguing take on the idea of waking up in an unknown structure and trying to escape. The film is insanely claustrophobic and does some pretty miraculous things. I wouldn't say that I love films that trap you within one place for the duration movie. They make me insanely antsy and I feel like I need to take a Valium. Cube however manages to keep you invested throughout every new development, and finds a way to make the story interesting without dragging it on and on. The film also does a spectacular job of filling the viewer with an enormous sense of dread. Cube is one of those films that makes you feel sick for no good reason at all. It is a true test of how effective the film is at maintaining both the characters and the viewer inside of the cube structure.

Something else quite miraculous happens that I couldn't even believe for myself. Over the course of the film, each of characters undergoes a sort of transformation. Just as there are 6 sides to a cube, so does there seem to be many sides to each of these characters. We start off in one position just as the cube does, and then slowly we start to notice that both the cube and the characters start to change. We start off greatly liking Quentin for instance then slowly we start falling out of that until we begin to really despise him. The opposite can be said for Leaven and Worth, who we hate in the beginning but then end up liking.

It's all very exciting once you finally understand just how involved the cube theme really is.

The film is also of course wildly intelligent. So much so that it hurts my head because I hate math. In fact, I really hate math. To think that someone logically thought of what the dimensions and patterns of numbers and coordinates and permutations and blah blah I failed geometry in 9th grade---yeah see...things get crazy. All these numbers, and patterns and the idea of rotation is just so incredibly detailed and involved.

Also baffling is that the film was done on a such a low budget. While most of the money must have went to the opening scene

---which is an amazing opening scene I should add, the low budget barely impacts the film at all. The one place it maybe hurts it is in the acting department, but aside from that, Cube is a truly inspiring bit of film work. It is proof that you don't need extravagant set pieces, and big budget special effects. Although the special effects that were used, and the two main instances of gore were pretty stunning,

Cube instead depends solely on the character development and the impending doom of a structure we know very little about.

In fact that is another very important thing to mention. Our knowledge of the cube, who built it and why, never changes. For some this is a major downfall but for others it is a big plus. Sometimes you don't need explanation. Especially in a film like this where everything is confined to one structure. Introducing anything to the viewers that is outside of the cube would almost be detrimental. I guess this is a SPOILER...but yes it is in a way aggravating to know that we will never see what lies outside of the cube. Well, who am I kidding, it's insanely aggravating, but it's necessary. All you need to know about the outside of the cube---is that it is NOT the inside of the cube. And that's all that really matters.

Cube was a truly thrilling experience, and one that I hope continues to impact the way I watch other movies. Check out Cube if you are in the mood for something terrifying in a very unconventional way. While many people were divided on Splice, I think Cube is a film that wins much more appreciation. Give it a shot, but maybe take some Valium along just in case. Oh and chapstick.

Just kidding I read lots of books. My excitement however runs deep as I admit I have been in a bit of a slump as far as books are concerned. My problem is that I've been turned into one of those people with a TV for a head.

All I do is watch movies so my brain is having a difficult time slowing down and focusing on all those little words...pooled together to form sentences and then entire thoughts, themes and you know--a story. I returned to the same page over and over again in the hopes that I might retain something of importance but it never seemed to work. That's why after picking up The Exorcist and finishing it, I was so relieved.

Not that it's an entirely tough task, as the Exorcist is one of the best examples of a page turner that isn't a romance novel or something by Dan Brown--and it's actually a decent book. I've been slowly working on a blog post in my head about the occurrence where the movie is better than the book. After finishing The Exorcist however, I was left with a giant dilemma. Was the movie really better? For the sake of my sanity I will have to call it a tie, with the upper hand slightly going to the movie. But that's only because it's a mere technicality. Obviously seeing a little girl, possessed, spouting off derogatory insults will be more meaningful and terrifying if you actually see it. The film of course does an amazing job of using the book to its advantage, sticking to the story while making the appropriate edits. But the stuff that is not in the movie is what I found to be the most chilling aspect of the book. So what do I do?!

Here is my beef with people that judge a movie against the book it is based on. It's not a reasonable argument. Taking a book and fitting it into a movie is not as easy as it may seem. Books allow for so many liberties that you barely even notice. They have a freedom that does not exist in film. Things need to be changed when adapting a book otherwise the movie would not work. It's funny that we all have beef with Stephen King books being turned into movies and not staying true to the novel but when you think about it, practically every single movie that you watch is adapted from SOMETHING. Short story, novel whatever--stories, and books are always used as skeletons or foundations, jumping off points for the filmmakers to tell a story not confined to pages. We don't have a problem with this, because most of the time we are not familiar with the story.

So anyways back to The Exorcist, I will preface this by saying that The Exorcist, both the film and movie version are perhaps one of the best pairings around. I can't make a decision on which is better because they are perfect compliments to each other. The book allows for such immense characterization that we miss in the film. Rightfully so--we cannot focus on the immediate horror at hand with Regan if we are constantly put into the mindset of Father Dyer or Kinderman. Heck, we don't even care about the characterization of Chris MacNeil because all we are focused on is the problem with Regan.

The book also does something entirely thought provoking and incredibly startling---it characterizes the demon. I was so thrilled to get somewhat inside of that monster's head, as creepy as that sounds-- but I did. What's more, the demon has this completely twisted side of him that is not represented in the film. It doesn't have to be of course as it would just create confusion but reading about it was one of the best experiences I've had.

The demon is capable of embodying dead people's persona's! I love that. Granted we get this a little bit when the demon speaks in Damien's mother's voice, but the book speaks about the personalities in much more detail. There's this whole concept of Regan's body being a vessel for all these lots souls to stay confined in. So when the demon says very matter of factly, "Incidentially, your mother is inside here with us Karras" (I made that quote up from my head I'm too lazy to find the actual one) the idea and the weight of that statement is that much heavier. Even more spine tingling is when Father Merrin comes and makes a point to tell Damien that there is only one persona inside of Regan--the demon. It's a moment that makes you take a step back and oddly admire the vast amount of power the demon has. I'm not turning into a satanist or anything, I just find the demon to be one of the most interesting characters I've ever read. THAT is neat. The demon also can do some crazy, crazy things with language and speaking backwards. He's a demon of all trades basically.

In short, The Exorcist is a fantastic piece of literature. Perhaps most surprising however is that the exorcism is confined to what feels like just a few pages. There's also a whole other plot point about figuring out whether or not Regan really is possessed or if she just has some serious psychological issues. The evidence is presented to us in such a way that even we begin to question her validity. Yes, The Exorcist is surely worth reading and it goes by quick. Give it a look see, especially if you love the Exorcist and want to get deeper inside that terribly horrifying world.

Monday, October 25, 2010

As much as I am a deep lover of films like The Orphanage and the Devil's Backbone, I must admit that I do not know a whole lot about Spanish horror films before the year 2000. This is why upon seeing that Tombs of the Blind Dead was newly added to Netflix Instant, I promptly settled in to give it a shot--and put my dreams of watching Disney World: Behind the Scenes on hold.

Luckily, Tombs of the Blind Dead was more than a pleasure to watch. And well I mean, you know how the Italian language is pretty close to Spanish? Well the same goes for their films more or less--as several points throughout the film I thought for a minute I saw a flash of Bava. We are immersed into a similar atmosphere where the hollowing wind provides a steady soundtrack, the only difference is that rotting skeletons are the be all, end all of bad guys. Thank God for this movie.

While on vacation, Virginia runs into Betty (Bet), her old roommate from boarding school. Virginia's sort of boyfriend Roger, invites Bet along for a train trip and is not so subtle about his immediate attraction to the new woman. While on the train, Virginia grows uncomfortable and embarrassed over Roger's forwardness. After recalling a painful memory where an innocent night of bedtime ballroom dancing evolved into a lesbian romp,

Virginia jumps off the train and spends the night in a strange place. Of all the town ruins, Virginia picked the burying grounds of the Knight Templars to camp out in. The knights were accused of being satanists, were executed and then left outside so that the crows would peck out their eyes.

While sleeping, Virginia is awoken up by the sounds of the knights rising from their tombs, and killed. After feeling guilty, Betty and Roger soon embark on a journey to find out what the hell happened to Virginia, and why other people keep turning up dead.

Remember that time when I commented on how cool skeletons that rise from the grave are? Well this movie may in fact be the poster child for dead bodies that actually decay the way they are supposed to.

There's just something so eerie about seeing a skeleton, amble out with his gross stick fingers, and his sick corpsey head.

I love it. I'm still trying to figure out what makes the knights such a threat when they are just a bunch of bones though. Perhaps they have evil satanic power. I had an even harder time figuring out where all their horses came from but what the hey--skeletons riding horses? Amazing.

The knights were pretty frickin fantastic, and they definitely reminded me of the Nazguls from Lord of the Rings.

The Knights due to their eyes being pecked out were blind, and the way that they locate their prey is by listening to their heart beat, or if you're an idiot and make a lot of noise, than that's an alternative. In any case, I love how the knights need only slowly descend on entire trains as slow as snails and everyone just stays where they are and screams. You may think this is a sign of a bad film but quite the contrary, because that's what makes this film so wonderful.

Most importantly however, Tombs of the Blind Dead is filled with the kind of imagery that I thrive on.

From simply creepy things like the mannequin store,

to that amazing shot of the woman walking down the hall lined with mannequins.

There's even a most glorious indication of beautiful blood!

The best moments though was when the dead Virginia would creep up behind people. Every scene like that filmed in such a way that practically every screen shot was a work of art.

Her movements are so subtle, and so slow--the way the morgue sheet is draped over her makes it look like some glorious Grecian dress.

Granted I'm still a little fuzzy on the details of how the knights turn their prey into the walking dead. Since the director insists they are not zombies...and Virginia bites people on the neck like a vampire.......a plus b....equals c...divided by.... right. I have no clue what's going on. What I do know however is that Amando de Ossorio has a new fan. Tombs of the Blind dead is actually the first film in the Blind Dead series, so I look forward to watching more. Also his other film Demon Witch Child is apparently an underrated must see horror classic. As is customary it's almost impossible to find anywhere--so if someone knows where I can see that tell me ASAP. If you need more proof see the video at the bottom.

My recommendation is that you seek out this film immediately. Especially if you are a fan of Bava. As a bonus you will get to see what is perhaps the fakest boobs I have ever seen. And by fake I don't mean silicone, I mean they made a wax double of a girl's chest so that they could slash it with swords. I wouldn't have noticed if they had had the hindsight to paint the nipples a different color. Gosh how I hate women with flesh toned nipples!

P.S. Why is this knight wearing a big silver mitten?

Dear God I hope that is a goof, because it may possibly be the greatest goof that there ever was.

Demon Witch Child--is the to watch movie of the year. If you have more information on the whereabouts of this film please email me.

For some reason unknown as of yet to mankind, I have always secretly loved Stigmata. Not only is it the perfect time capsule of the 90s--inflatable furniture, jelly shoes, pleather pants and all, but it also just wildly fascinated me the first time I saw it. Now I should warn you, the first time I saw it I was deeply engrossed in my jelly shoes and pleather pants stage and for some reason at the time I had grown obsessed with the idea of stigmata. This is probably why I grew so fond of it. Well that, and blood tears which we'll get to later. Now seeing Stigmata for the first time in a long while I must say that it is not a very good film. This of course means nothing because still for some reason, I sort of like it. The world is strange.

I can't give a clear reason on why I was obsessed with stigmata. I'm fairly certain the true origin of my interest came from this movie which is both embarrassing and shameful. After watching it, I researched the idea extensively on our dial up Internet and was engrossed by all the supposed actual cases of stigmata. I wouldn't call myself religious or anything at this point although I was being forced to attend CCD, yet for some reason I thought stigmata was the coolest thing on the block. What's not to love? Unexplainable open, bloody wounds mimicking the wounds of Jesus!? Perhaps I fell into a love for horror much sooner than I once thought.

Stigmata is a strange bit of film, that at once tries to copy--or sorry pay tribute to The Exorcist while at the same time creating a bizarre and completely ridiculous love story. After the non-religious Frankie receives a rosary stolen from the dead hands of a priest in Brazil, she begins exhibiting signs of Stigmata. Initially brought in for psychological evaluation, it is not long before the church gets involved. Father Kiernan, is set on the case and soon starts to make a startling discovery about the truth behind Frankie's wounds, her possession and a missing gospel.

It's kind of funny that Patricia Arquette plays another character who is accused of wanting to hurt herself.

She practically plays the same character she did in Dream Warriors only now she's 23 and decorates with inflatable furniture. I think the thing that always drew me the most to this film was the depiction of the wounds happening. It carries that same oddly beautiful thing about it, not too far from the likes of Suspiria or something where the blood literally pops. Of course, the moments in this movie are often marred by the flashes of light (the hands of god touching her), and the all too quick jerk of the camera.

Things are definitely much too chaotic in these moments and it kind of ruins what could ultimately be a haunting occurrence.

The movie does do one thing incredibly right however and that is the existence of blood tears. I should tell you right now that I'm obsessed with blood tears.

I was convinced for about 5 months at one point in my life, that I was the sole inventor of the idea of blood tears. This idea was later crushed when movies kept coming out featuring blood tears...the bastards. In any case, the depiction of blood tears in this movie may just be my favorite thing about it. I find it so amazingly beautiful and terrifying that I cannot contain my joy.

Stigmata also has a few surprising moments of some really gorgeous shots.

These are peppered in between rather unfortunate moments of industrial Gothic clubs, and music provided by Chumbawamba however so they tend to lose a little bit of their magic.

Now sadly, the film as a whole mostly falls incredibly flat. From a non-biased standpoint...it's pretty bad. This is because nothing really happens or rather, the film is so all over the place that everything that does happen doesn't feel very connected. Take for example, the very nice introduction of Frankie's friend who helps her out in these beginning troubling times. She plays such a vital role and then halfway through the film, we never see her again! We have all these elements happening, Frankie's life, Frankie's wounds, Frankie's possession, the church, the controversy with what Father Kiernan finds, the ghostly face in the mirror but none of it ever seems to come full circle. It's like the very idea of the stigmata, which should be the main focus point gets pushed aside halfway through.

The stigmata is also troublesome because it leaves the door open for her possession. As someone who deeply loves the Exorcist, I find it odd that the idea of possession is even included in this. The explanation they give is pretty passable--when someone becomes that close to God through the stigmata, this leaves them more vulnerable to the temptations of evil. Well I guess that makes sense. But I still don't see why they needed to introduce that demonic element. When Frankie starts talking in the voice of Father Alameida, we aren't threatened by it because he is on a mission to deliver the missing gospel. But then soon after, Frankie is overcome by what is obviously a dangerous and evil demon. Why? That whole aspect is not vital whatsoever to the story and it just makes me feel like they needed that element of possession to cash in on the Exorcist's success and shock value. Here are the similarities to the Exorcist.

In the Exorcist, our good friend Father Merrin encounters a man with two different colored eyes.

In Stigmata, Father Kiernan also encounters a man with two different eyes.

When I first saw Stigmata, I confused Gabriel Bryne with Jason Miller. I mean they KIND OF look similar.....

Okay maybe not but as a young and confused soul I thought they were the same person. Sue me.

No shout out to the Exorcist would be complete with the standard levitation shot--although here it is nicely shot on a different angle so as not to steal it directly.

Instead of the demon forcing Frankie to masturbate with a cross, the demon just forces Frankie to cut herself over and over again. Pretty standard demonic activity. I'm sure there are tons more, but I'd rather just talk about sexual relations with priests.

Yeah, the entire relationship between Frankie and Father Kiernan is hysterical. Of course it's the 90s so every single movie, no matter what the subject matter MUST contain a romantic love story. Even if one of the characters has taken a vow of celibacy. Again, completely unnecessary, and in this instance--cringe worthy.

I would also like to point out the baloney factor in Father Kiernan's decision to become a priest. He started off as an organic chemist and was sooo interested in how the world began. He loves the idea that all these elements one day collided to ignite the start of the Earth and create life. BUT THEN one day he decides that it's all too impossible to imagine and instead he decided to believe that God created the Earth. Seriously? The last person who should ever be convinced of God's power is a scientist. I'm sorry, I'm just not buying it.

In a nutshell, Stigmata is a good idea in theory, and parts of it are pretty effective. Unfortunately as an entire story it seems to fall very flat. For some reason though, I still love it. I can't help it if I've always wanted to receive the stigmata ok?! Just kidding that would be a weird thing to want to have. Alright fine, I only wanted the stigmata so that a hunky priest could fall in love with me. There I said it.