Jeff Vrabel: Elmo in the budget crosshairs

Monday

Feb 21, 2011 at 12:01 AMFeb 21, 2011 at 9:15 PM

Big losers in the budget passed by the House of Representatives: Ira Glass, people who have yet to realize the dream of having Carl Kasell's voice on their home answering machine, people who hate eating hairball-and-sawdust-contaminated hot dogs, women, Elmo. Actually those last two may be redundant, as I've never been able to satisfactorily determine the gender of Elmo (despite its name, which can be either a boy or girl name in his Kenyan birthplace), but it doesn't matter, as funding to research the gender of Elmo has also been cut.

Jeff Vrabel

Big losers in the budget passed by the House of Representatives: Ira Glass, people who have yet to realize the dream of having Carl Kasell's voice on their home answering machine, people who hate eating hairball-and-sawdust-contaminated hot dogs, women, Elmo. Actually those last two may be redundant, as I've never been able to satisfactorily determine the gender of Elmo (despite its name, which can be either a boy or girl name in his Kenyan birthplace), but it doesn't matter, as funding to research the gender of Elmo has also been cut.

Welcome to month one of Budget Nightmare Hellscape Awful Craptacular Hatefest For Jerks, only the very beginning of almost certainly intolerable decades-long hypocrisy slog in which everyone will light torches and carry pitchforks and light pitch-torches (the latest new thing in angry mob chic, Kanye blogged about them even) about how important it is to cut the budget, and then light torches and carry pitchforks and light pitch-torches when things they like start getting cut out of the budget.

Indeed, many Americans, having failed after the last election to see an instant, glorious and revelatory increase in their quality of life, have made a Drastic Change, which will remain in place for the next election cycle, in which people will very likely fail to see an instant, glorious and revelatory increase in their quality of life, and make a Drastic Change. This will continue to go on for time immemorial, until hopefully, Earth is hit by an asteroid, which we won't know is coming, as asteroid-looking-for funding has been cut by the House.

The budget is a slashfest of non-discretionary spending, which is pronounced "the part that isn't Medicare, Medicaid, Social Security or the military," so it's a little like carrying a $74,000 credit card bill but being really serious about maximizing the Red Lobster gift certificate. Luckily, many of the of the most visible targets are all Muppets, like Elmo and Big Bird and Jim Lehrer, as the House budget zeroes out funding from those controversial Juan Williams-firers at NPR, PBS, and other stations that occasionally contain programming that doesn't involve something like Bret Michaels crossing a rope bridge over a pond of flaming crocodile, which I've just realized I've written like it's a bad thing.

This is the nefarious "Muppet lobby" being called out by brave Sen. Jim DeMint of Oh You'll Never Believe I'm About To Say South Carolina, who last year told everyone that all bills needed to go through his office for review, some amount of time before making a very important point about dictators.

"Elmo has been particularly busy," DeMint, a grown man, wrote in a message posted on his blog. "Elmo has testified before Congress about the need for more funding for the arts and participated in other press conferences to increase spending on public broadcasting. Elmo even went on the lecture circuit last year with Federal Communications Chairman Julius Genochowski to promote government-funded broadband Internet," DeMint wrote. "At this rate, Americans can expect Big Bird to start filming commercials to hype Obamacare."

OK, first of all, there's no need to go dragging Federal Communications Chairman Julius Genochowski into this. Second of all, Big Bird's gigantism is an obvious medical malady and shouldn't be joked about. Third of all, pfft, like everyone should have Internet, like we're all one big country full of Julius Genochowskis.

But the main problem here is clearly that Elmo is part of the slashable side with silliness like Planned Parenthood and mercury contamination testing; were he able to drive a speedy vehicle that turned in a leftwardly manner, he'd be totally safe, because the House on Friday voted down an amendment by Democratic Rep. Betty McCollum of Minnesota that would ban the use of Pentagon funds to sponsor NASCAR vehicles, namely the No. 39 Chevy Impala car driven by, I don't know, let's say Earl Dale McKidrock Daleington.

It goes without saying that McCollum received a death threat in the form of an obscenity-laden fax that concluded with the phrase, "Death to all Marxists, foreign and domestic!" You don't hear that sort of thing often in Elmo's world.

Jeff Vrabel is a freelance writer who has his goldfish, and a crayon too. He can be reached at http://jeffvrabel.com or followed at http://twitter.com/jeffvrabel.

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