Is Rush Right Man To Talk About Rushing?

Get Serious!

September 14, 2003|By TONY GABRIELE Daily Press

Rush Limbaugh, the man who made Al Frank-en famous, has started a new job as an ESPN sports commentator. And why not?

Most guys love to yak about sports -- if you had a dollar for every Monday morning conversation that began, "How 'bout them Redskins?" you could buy the Redskins -- so to yak about sports and get paid for it must be heaven.

In fact, if Rush does well in this job, or at least does better than Dennis Miller did, I'll bet we'll see other famous names looking for swell jobs behind a sports microphone. I predict we will be hearing the following on SportsCenter, from people such as:

GARRISON KEILLOR: It has been a quiet week in the National Football League. The Minnesota Vikings won last Sunday, but they really don't want me to talk about it much, or else folks up there would think they were getting all puffed up with pride. "Where do they think they are, Dallas?" is what Minnesota people would say. The coach has been holding post-touchdown modesty drills this week so that instead of dancing in the end zone after a score, the players will be able to tiptoe unobtrusively off the field and hopefully disappear behind the cheerleaders. After a word from our sponsor, I'll be back with my selection for NFL Shy Player of the Week.

WOODY ALLEN: To tell you the truth, football is really not my strongest subject. The last time I was in a locker room was when I was 14 years old, and I passed out cold after inhaling too close to a nose tackle. The only football player in my family was my Uncle Max. He didn't actually play football, but they used his tongue for the kicking tee, which eventually rendered him unable to say the words "flea flicker" without getting big laughs. Still, this is my opportunity to debate the great moral questions of our time, such as why the New York Giants play in New Jersey instead. I mean, New York, it's the cultural capital, the center of the world, the place where people actually go to see my movies!

EMERIL: Today I will offer you the recipe for a nice football victory. Do you know what this team has to do to win? They have to kick it up! Yes, kick it up, because when you kick the ball down, it goes nowhere. Are you with me? So they must block and tackle, bam! Otherwise their game will be all ooey-gooey. Bam, hit those receivers! Bam, sack that quarterback! Bam, knock holes in the line! Bam, bam, bam, bam, bam! Also, try a little paprika in the Gatorade.

HOWARD DEAN: It's time we stood up and said what's wrong with the home team's game plan! As you know, I was the only commentator, before the season began, to declare my opposition to the coaching staff's failed strategy. The problem is their unilateral approach! Nothing but laterals! No wonder they're bogged down behind the line of scrimmage. Under the previous coaching administration it was always a multilateral effort, both passing and running the ball, the balanced approach that earned this team respect throughout the league!

BOB DYLAN: Th' quarterback Napoleons were meltin' in the snow, when the linemen made a goal-line stand on Desolation Row. Then all along the watchtower, assistant coaches wailed, an' the referee is dressed in stripes 'cause the free safety's been jailed. An' me, I sit here runnin' instant replays in mah head, 'cause the Broncos have been branded, and got beat by the point spread!

DONALD RUMSFELD: Are you asking me whether the team will win or lose Sunday? Excuse me, but if you think I'm dumb enough to give a "yes" or "no" answer to that question, then you're as dumb as you'd think I'd be if I answered it. First off, the team has plays that we think will gain yardage. Then it has plays that may or may not gain yardage, we don't know. Then there are plays that may gain yardage that we don't know about, and there are even some plays we don't know about that may not gain yardage. Does that mean we're clueless and you could get just as good a game forecast from the guy in the next booth at the sports bar? No, I'm just reminding the folks here who are ignorant of history of what Pete Rozelle said about "any given Sunday," and I stand behind every word of that.