Johnny Rico

Mangirling is a semi-regular feature that runs when the girls are too busy (lazy) to write their own posts, or when Johnny Rico feels the need to yell at the internet about something inconsequential. Read on for this week’s rant…

Inspired by Angry Birds: The Movie launching (get it) at the ABSOLUTE height of the app’s popularity *sarcasm*, I thought it would be fun to pitch movie ideas for five other apps. No doubt the world is clamouring for more of these big screen adaptations. Remember when Battleships: The Movie premiered? Of course you do. That cinematic masterpiece was the launching point for the entire Hasboro Universe. You know, that universe that produces a new movie, based on a board game, every nine months? Anyway, this universe needs more app inspired movies. So I’m going to grease the tracks and really get this runaway train rolling.

Movie #1

The Pitch: In a world where all jobs are completed by people bidding on jobs from their phone, one man has the tenacity to find permanent, full time employment… with benefits! That job? Assassinating people who delete the one app that rules us all. But what happens when Shane Vansen must assassinate the one person who has been loyal to him for his whole life… his brother… THE PRESIDENT? In a film that seamlessly blends Idiocracy with Taxi, Ryan Tedder, Morgan Freeman, and Amy Schumer star in…

UBER: The Movie

My Fangirl Life Review: 7 emojis out of 10. I got lost on the way to the theatre, but there was a water fountain there and I was thirsty.

Movie #2

The Pitch: In a world where wars are fought with words, not weapons, one man must find out the meaning behind the words… and who is using them. But what happens when a homonym is played and someone takes offense to a double entendre? Drama happens. Paul Wang must find the President and convince him the world is worth saving from itself. In a film that destined to seamlessly create an entire universe of vaguely related movies, Ed Sheeran, Morgan Freeman, and Jennifer Lawrence star in…

Scrabble v Words With Friends: The Movie: Board of Justice

My Fangirl Life Review: 2 emojis out of 10. I was confused about why Banagrams, Boggle, and Upwords were in the movie? It made no damn sense.

Movie #3

The Pitch: In a world ruled by angry birds, one man (I mean bird) must overcome his fear of having no control over his path and overcome an infinite number of visually simple obstacles to find out who is responsible for the madness in the world. Vincent Damphousse will follow a conspiracy that goes all the way to the President in a movie that seamlessly blends Flight with Network. Maximillian Alberto “Max” George, Morgan Freeman, and Kaya Scodelario star in…

Flappy Bird: The Movie

My Fangirl Life Review: 8 emojis out of 10. At first this movie was really frustrating and I didn’t like it, but then I figured out the trick and it was fine.

Movie #4

The Pitch: In a world where all memories are lost 3-10 seconds after they’re created, one man must fight to learn about his true identity by violating society’s one taboo: remembering the past. The only way to do this is to follow an intricate string of clues and travel to the depths of a secret archive located in a forbidden cloud. Nathan West must confront his fears, and the President, in a film that seamlessly blends The Bourne Identity with Dazed and Confused. Harry Styles, Morgan Freeman, and Shailene Woodley star in…

Snapchat: The Movie

My Fangirl Life Review: 3 emojis out of 10. The movie started out well, but then I blacked out after seven seconds.

Movie #5

The Pitch: In a world inhabited by pictures, one man (I mean picture) must try to overcome the native “acronym language” and communicate effectively with multiple people at the same time using full sentences and proper grammar. To do this he must convince society that the pictures are not, in fact, worth a thousand words. Cooper Hawkes must convince the President that a thousand words are actually a thousand words and a cheap metaphor for physical beauty is just a really lazy way of describing an event or location. In a film that seamlessly blends The King’s Speech and Clueless, Calum Hood, Morgan Freeman, and Kristen Stewart star in…

Emoji: The Movie

My Fangirl Life Review: 14 emojis out of 10. This movie was so good I don’t even know how to describe it.

So there you have it, an entire summer of made up (app) movies for you to look forward to. And look forward to Angry Birds: The Movie hitting theatres on… who cares. I can’t even be bothered to look this one up.

Johnny Rico

Angry Birds: 5 Other Apps That Need A Movie was last modified: May 18th, 2016 by Johnny Rico

Mangirling is a semi-regular feature that runs when the girls are too busy (lazy) to write their own posts, or when Johnny Rico feels the need to yell at the internet about something inconsequential. Read on for this week’s rant…

Welcome everyone to the most electrifying recap of Game of Thrones in the entire world! Yes, it’s the man-sized recap of Game of Thrones Season 6 Episode 1. I’ve search the width and breath of the interwebs and have come to the conclusion that everyone sucks… Except me. I don’t suck and neither do my words. I should point out that my grammar and spelling are awful, but I have an editor and tiny red lines show up under words, so I think I have a pretty good handle on everything. On with the show! Spoilers Ahoy.

Episodes of GoT where Jon Snow is DEAD: 1

North Wall Recap: It’s not a good sign when an episode starts and ends with discussions about you. It means you’re dead or you’re about to die. Fortunately, if you’re already dead it means you’ve lived a long and full life, made a significant contribution to the world of Westeros, and have passed into the hands of the old gods (or new – whatever) with grace and dignity. The rest of the world can move on safe in the knowledge that you’re definitely not coming back to life. Now that we’ve got that straight, I made an earlier prediction that Jon Snow would return to life at the end of episode 3 this season and I stand behind it. Until that happens, I’ll further predict that 15 (of the 40) Night’s Watch members will die. The Onion man will somehow not die, even though he looks confused ALL THE TIME and neither will the Red Woman, who still looks H-A-W-T hot at the tender age of four hundred and seventy two. A whole lot of nothing happened at the Wall this week. Some fists were pounded into tables and mean words were spoken. Also, a Direwolf growled, like, four times. They’re probably setting us up for something.

Just South of the Wall Recap: The Wildlings, who may or may not be wild now, were not shown this episode. They were discussed for a little while and their existence was blamed for some things. So keep on keeping on Wildlings and welcome to the merry old land of Westeros.

Even More South of the Wall Recap: Ramsay Bolton lost a Stark girl and a eunuch. Somehow he only sent four guards and three dogs after them across the frozen wasteland of nothingness despite the fact that, as his father said, they’re the most important things in the world to the Bolton’s continued dominance of the North. Obviously that is a strong enough response. Digression: if you get wet in a Canadian winter, you’ll be hypothermic in half an hour. But I guess nobles from broken families are magic and the weather doesn’t apply to them. Anyways, the four idiots and three dogs found their prey only to lose an (AWFUL) sword fight to Brienne of Tarth. Listen, I know she wants to be a method actor, but she is terrible with the sword. The quick camera cuts are jarring and they still don’t hide how AWFUL she is. AWFUL!!! Anyway, Lady Stark the Living has a friend and a servant now, so that’s cool. They’re still frozen in the middle of nowhere and should die, but they won’t because magic. In other news, Podrick is adorable. I hope he gets reunited with Tyrion.

Southest of the Wall Recap: The most interesting segment of Game of Thrones season 6 episode 1 happened in Dorne of all places. Holy palace coup, Batman! The chick bastard Sand (Ellaria?) killed the gimpy old Prince and talked a lot of shit about him. I like watching the hedonistic Dornish in action. Now that they’ve really amped up the beef with the Lannisters I think we’ll finally get some action regarding who is on the Iron Throne. What’s going on with Margery, by the way?

Somewhere between South of the Wall and Southest of the Wall Recap: Margery is still in religious fundamentalist jail awaiting her naked walk of shame across the city. She is waaaaaay better looking than Cersei Lannister, so I think we can all agree it’ll be a great episode when that happens. Or the hot Dornish rebels will come to town and start cutting religious people. Either way, I’ll be watching. Meanwhile, Cersei found out her daughter was murdered, had a super awkward conversation with her brother (they didn’t bang), and somehow didn’t blame Tyrion for all of this. I feel like she has grown as a person. Good for you Cersei.

Somewhere to the South and East of the Wall Recap: A midget and a bald eunuch went for a stroll and talked about stuff. They lamented the flight of a blonde woman and watched the stone city burn. I have a bad feeling about Meereen. They may not be entering a new golden age like we all thought. It’s almost like being gifted a stray with no management experience for a Queen wasn’t quite the blessing they thought it would be. The Queen, meanwhile, was triggered by some mean Dothrakians who had the unmitigated gall to not know who she was… until she told the Khal, who took her word for it and decided not to “lie” with her. Unfortunately, widowed Khaleesis have a mandatory retirement plan that doesn’t include returning to Westeros to rule. Remember when Daenerys cared about doing that? I don’t. But I’m sure a dragon will save her from the horde and the two creepy dudes that were following her trail. Speaking of who will save her… Arya is blind (I totally forgot about that) and got beaten up to teach her how to see without looking. It’s all part of the plan. Don’t believe me? Just ask George RR Martin, for it is written.

Mangirling is a semi-regular feature that runs when the girls are too busy (lazy) to write their own posts, or when Johnny Rico feels the need to yell at the internet about something inconsequential. Read on for this week’s rant…

The new season of Game of Thrones starts tomorrow – Sunday, April 24, 2016 on HBO. Hooray! As a service to our fantastic readers I have graciously offered to do a very shallow, yet belligerent, memory dive on season 5. Before that, I need to take care of a few procedural items. Firstly, my season 5 review will contain spoilers. So if you’re furiously binge watching season 5 (come on, it’s only 10 episodes, hurry it up) maybe consider not clicking through. Aside from that, this post was not researched in any way, shape or form. Everything in the The Slacker’s Recap to Game of Thrones Season 5 is strictly from my notoriously wonky memory so take it with a grain of salt. Got it? Good. Let’s go!

The lasting and most important image from Season 5 was Jon Snow being killed. Spoiler alert. Since then I’ve spent a fair amount of time reminding the My Fangirl Life team that he’s dead (and that One Direction is on “hiatus”), but sadly Jon Snow will likely come back to life either as a zombie walker or because of some mystic bullshit that the Red Lady pulls off while figuring out a way to be both sexy and boring. Remember, this is a dude that fell in love with the awful <whatshername that always said you know nothing, Jon Snow> 45 seconds after meeting her, capturing but not killing her, being tricked and beaten up by her, and eventually getting captured by her setting off a chain of events that saw him forced to kill his boss, take control over the Night’s Watch, and make a stupid decision which eventually caused his assassination. Good work Jon Snow, you actually do know nothing.

Speaking of the Red Woman, she was last seen totally ditching out on her boyfriend / god and immediately setting a 9 nine year old girl on fire. This was prior to (the actual true King – let’s not forget that) Stannis Baratheon getting curb stomped by the new wardens of the north who are total dicks, but oddly no one seems to mind that they are in charge and the pious Starks aren’t around anymore. The Red Woman is totally going to bring Jon Snow back to life and it’s going to anger me. Wait for it, it’ll be the climatic finale to episode 3. It really bothers me, and this is my main beef with Star Wars, when there’s an event of massive importance that’s solved by magic or mysticism or The Force. It’s the on-screen version of a writer ending a story arch by saying “…it was all a dream”. Screw that. You can’t reset a storyline because you screw up writing it. It’s lazy storytelling. Jon Snow should be dead. Never mind the fact that the dudes that killed him had a valid reason to do so and now they are TOTALLY screwed because there isn’t a Red Woman walking north chomping at the bit to resurrect their corpses. This method of problem-solving absolutely minimizes the sacrifices of the common man. Imagine World War I, millions of people die, but the conflict is ultimately solved by King George and Kaiser Wilhelm having a “force-off” in the smoking ruins of Verdun. What the hell would be the point of the millions and millions of soldiers dying in the mud be? Sorry you died, soldier, but the author of this planet was lazy and decided at the last minute that your death doesn’t matter. For shame, George RR, for shame.

But I digress…

Speaking of the Starks, remember when they mattered to the story? Spoiler alert: they don’t matter at all right now. Let’s do a brief rundown of the Starks I remember existing. Papa Stark: actually dead. Mama Stark: actually dead. Oldest brother Stark: totes dead. Older brother Stark’s wife: also dead. Bastard Stark: dead, but not really. Bastard Stark’s chick: dead. Boy stark: crippled, hallucinating, and living with a random under a tree north of the wall. I think… I don’t think we saw them last season. Other Boy Stark: crippled, chilling with a Wildling, and hanging off the back of Hodor. Hodor. Hodor. Hodor. Stark servant (Hodor): Hodor Hodor Hodor. This poor bastard has the misfortune of not only being handicapped, but having to slep around the gimp for the rest of his unnatural life. If he could rub two thoughts together he’d throw himself off the nearest stone bridge and just be done with the whole thing. Hodor. Eldest Daughter Stark: married to some jerkface usurper. Hey, remember that shocking rape scene from last season? Despite that, she might be the Stark doing the best out of all of them. Let that thought sink in. Youngest daughter Stark: Self-exiled across the Narrow Sea chilling with a bunch of heads. Good work Starks. Good work.

Northerners can’t politic. This is why Scotland was forced into union with England and WHY THEY’LL NEVER BECOME INDEPENDENT.

Speaking of across the Narrow Sea, how is Dany Stormborn doing? Well she spent season 1 being a total badass and trying to regain the throne which is arguably rightfully hers (I mean rightfully hers AFTER she allowed her brother to be tortured to death by her husband – whatevs) and since then has spent a lot of time wandering across deserts being an ineffective ruler of people that don’t seem to like her. As they said in Red Dawn (you kids should really watch the original) she “is not winning hearts and minds”. Oh, but at least now she has juvenile dragons that have been helpfully caged up for most of their adolescent lives, so I’m sure they’ll be well adjusted and not menacing uncontrollable beasts. Fortunately, as previously ranted about, George RR Martin is a lazy writer and she’ll use magic to control the dragons and the song of fire and ice will be complete when she and the zombie Jon Snow get married and peace falls across the lands. Somehow this will be facilitated by a eunuch and a midget and another guy who is probably important, but I can’t remember what his name is because that storyline dragged on forever. Oh and a tween girl, that Stark will come back into all of this.

Speaking of the Lannisters, they’re involved in some sort of useless subplot with the Dornish. They may be broke and on the brink of war. Who knows? Jaime is still missing a hand and his niece was just murdered. His sister is still pretending to be Queen (until she was paraded naked through the streets), her son is still dead, and her other son is King, but no one cares about that. He’s just keeping the throne warm until magic happens.

Mangirling is a semi-regular feature that runs when the girls are too busy (lazy) to write their own posts, or when Johnny Rico feels the need to yell at the internet about something inconsequential. Read on for this week’s rant…

This week, distinguished director James Cameron announced he would be filming sequels to the groundbreaking 2009 movie Avatar. Not sequel, sequels. Not 2 sequels, not 3 sequels, but 4 full-length feature film sequels to Avatar. I will not be watching these movies, and neither should you.

Hey. Right now. Try to quote Avatar, the highest-grossing movie of all time. Quote ANY line. Or name 2 characters. No cheating.

Avatar was not a good movie. It did three things really well: the colour blue, 3D film making, and heavy-handed environmental indoctrination. That’s it. Even if you really like those three elements of filmmaking, do you need to sit through another 12 hours of of Avatar? Did the story leave you wanting to know more of what happened to giant tree houses? What about a certain billionaire space industrialist? Do you need to see him get an even greater comeuppance? You don’t. Trust me, you don’t.

7 year old plot spoilers ahead: As far as I remember, Avatar revolved around space mercenaries fighting off naked blue creatures who flew around, and made sweet hair love, on giant sugar gliders on a planet called Pandora. Pandora. Let that little piece of subtlety sink in. Get it? It’s like the box! Pandora’s box! In order to manipulate the extraction of a super-rare yet very important mineral called “Impossibilium” from under a giant tree house/hive mind on Pandora (ugh), a super smart scientist figured out a way to download a human mind into a computer simulation of a naked blue creature. Many hilarious minutes were spent as our hero, whose name I can’t be bothered to look up, figured out how to use his avatar. Then, rather than invent something called “directional drilling” the evil industrialist decided to super-bulldoze the tree. The Ewoks fought the Empire and the Ewoks won. Fin.

Believe me, I get it. Hollywood artists are trying to expand the horizons of us plebs by creating a feature with a message. I applaud James Cameron for trying to make his art both commercially successful and somehow meaningful, but I don’t need to be hit over the head with a hammer whilst someone shouts, “the environment is important” and “money isn’t everything” and “colonialism is bad” (Disney’s The Jungle Book – out in theatres NOW). There was nothing subtle about a movie where a major plot point was the very consensual physical joining of two species (through an avatar).

If you have a movie that created 2.8 billion dollars at the box office, it makes sense to make a sequel. Why not hammer out those cheques? People like “familiar” more than “good” every day of the week. It’s why we pay for comic book movies that act as feature length trailers advertising for the next comic book movie… you know, the one that’ll be even BIGGER (see: Captain America: Civil War coming to theatres May 6). But did the Avatar universe leave 4 sequels-worth of questions unanswered? Of course not. Avatar left exactly zero questions unanswered and I know this is true because the only time I’ve spent thinking about avatars since I saw that movie is creating my own for the various message boards, Twitter accounts, and blog characters I use online.

Maybe Avatar Two through Five will tackle other major social issues with an equally heavy hand. Perhaps Avatar Two could feature hair sex with a sand spider to finally solve religious extremism in a world that vaguely resembles the Middle East. Take that, ISIS. Maybe Avatar Three will tackle the issue of the gender wage gap, trigger warnings, and body image by having hair sex with an underpaid, hyper-sensitive, obese (but healthy) apparition fighter (Ghost Busters coming to theatres this July). Take that, misogyny. Avatar Four shall explore the link between science and pop culture by injecting a Kardashian with a vaccination for autism. Avatar Five? I don’t know, what will be a major global issue sometime in 2022? The North Pole moving sideways because Russia built a gigantic magnet to steal it from Canada? The Chinese figuring out a way to control weather so they can steal snow from Canada and somehow host a successful Winter Olympics in Beijing? The Americans building a gigantic thousand mile (1600 kilometre) pipe to steal water from Hudson’s Bay only to discover that’s where Canada stores salty ice cubes? Whatever the issue, a heavy-handed blue-hair-sex-having avatar is the best way to open a dialogue about it.

In conclusion, screw Avatar and all its future sequels. I have better things to watch like Batman v Superman II: No Seriously, This Time It’ll Be Better (coming to theatres in 2018).

The WWE Universe is a gigantic and very weird space. I’ve often argued that wrestling fans sit at the very bottom of the fandom pyramid because of the level of disdain we receive from humanoids who don’t understand what we watch and why we watch it. For example, I’m regularly told by outsiders “Wrestling isn’t real”. My stock response to this is “Thanks tips, the sky is blue and Han Solo isn’t real either”. Wrestling is just as “real” (or “unreal”, I guess) as any other area of entertainment, from the small screen to the big screen to the stage. The other reason that the WWE is seen as different from so many other fandoms is the sheer volume of content wrestling fans get to sift through. No other fandom gets as many weekly hours of sanctioned content with no off-season. For the above two reasons, wrestling fans have developed their own language to discuss their passion without drawing the ire of wrestling muggles. But how does a new fan learn the language? With a custom WWE wrestling glossary brought to you by the marks and smarks (look these up below!) of My Fangirl Life. Read on to find out all the terms you need to know to watch Wrestlemania 32 today!

Angle (noun) A fictional storyline where excuses are made for wrestlers to interact with each other.

Babyface (noun) A good guy. Often abbreviated as “face”.

Bump (verb) The act of being on the receiving end of a potentially dangerous move.

Divas (plural noun) Female wrestlers.

Face (noun) Short and more widely used term for “babyface”.

Championship Belt (noun) A belt that signifies a wrestler is the champion. Also referred to as belt, strap, gold, or many many other words.

Gimmick (noun) A reason for a wrestler to act the way they act. ie// The Miz is a Hollywood A-lister and may therefore act like an arrogant jerk.

Gorilla Position (noun) The backstage area wrestlers wait in, directly behind the Titantron, before coming to the ring. Named after former wrestler, Gorilla Monsoon.

Heat (noun) Negative reaction from the fans. If a heel has heat, this is a good thing.

Nuclear Heat (noun) The highest level of heat. Fans, at this level, become legitimately angry.

X-Pac Heat (noun) The most ironic level of heat. Named after a wrestler named X-Pac when fans just hated the guy and wanted him to go away. It probably had something to do with his rampant alcoholism and the sex tape featuring him and Chyna. DO NOT watch this. Actually, forget I said anything, this is not a rabbit hole you want to go down.

Kayfabe (noun) The important act of keeping the appearance that wrestling is real competition.

Kayfabe Only (noun) The theory that wrestling is better if you don’t bother going on the internet to find out the real life story behind the wrestling story.

Luchador (Mexican) for wrestler.

Lucha Mask (Mexican) DO NOT mess with these masks. They’re a physical representation of a Luchador’s power.

Mark (noun) A wrestling fan who loses sight of the business of wrestling whilst watching wrestling. Marks are looked down upon by smarks (like a carnival barker looks down at a rube) for being taken or fooled by seemingly obvious plot twists.

Match (noun) When wrestlers fight. Often two wrestlers simply having a fight isn’t enough to keep fans interested, so matches often include stipulations or gimmicks. Common versions below.

Hell in a Cell Match (noun) Like a steel cage match, but with a roof. You can’t win by escaping because there is no escape, you know, because of the roof.

Ladder Match (noun) 1. Hang something from the ceiling and the first person to climb a ladder to get the object of desire wins. 2. A match where someone is going to jump or fall from somewhere high.

No Holds Barred Match (noun) A match where literally no holds are barred. Wrestlers can go where they want and use whatever they want in an effort to incapacitate their opponents.

Steel Cage Match (noun) A match that takes place inside of a steel cage. You can win by escaping the cage

Monday Night Wars (epoch) The late 90’s era where WWF and WCW battled for wrestling supremacy. During this time WWF Monday Night Raw and WCW Monday Nitro combined rating were roughly 5 times what Raw’s ratings are today.

No-selling (verb) The act of making yourself look impervious to your opponent’s attacks.

NXT (noun) WWE’s minor league feeder promotion.

Over (noun) The goal of every wrestler or angle. Being over happens when the fans give the desired actions. Heels are lustily boo’d and faces are enthusiastically cheered. A state where everything is right in the wrestling world.

Part Unknown (noun) An imaginary hometown when a wrestler’s gimmick seems otherworldly.

Pipebomb (noun) A event that blurs the line between reality and kayfabe. CM Punk’s 2011 pipebomb is the current gold standard. Watch it now. Seriously.

Pop (noun) When an audience audibly “pops” for a move, wrestler, or event. The opposite of heat.

Popcorn Match (noun) 1. A match in the middle of the card designed to relieve tension and allow the audience to take a bathroom break, get some popcorn, or generally relax. 2. Any match involving women prior to 2015. 3. Please note, this is not an official type of match.

Promo (noun) What a wrestler does when they grab a microphone and tell the audience about what they’re doing or what they’re going to do and who they’re going to do it to.

Selling (verb) The act of making it look like your opponent is really hurting you.

Shoot (noun) When a wrestler goes off script in an interview, promo or match. These are high points of entertainment for smarks and confusing for marks. The opposite of a work.

Smark (noun) A wrestling fan who never loses sight of the business of wrestling whilst watching wrestling. Smarks are looked down upon by marks (like a person with a job looks down at a nomadic carnival worker) for not being able to lose themselves in an obviously fictional world that’s designed and exists for the sole purpose of drama.

Spanish Announce Table (noun) 1. A prop for someone to be body slammed into. 2. A table at which the Spanish speaking announcers theoretically call matches. This has never happened.

Spot (noun) Any pre-planned action or series of actions. Contrary to non-wrestling fan beliefs, wrestling matches are not totally scripted. Yes, the outcomes are scripted, but for the most part everything you see is improvised, or called, by the most senior wrestler in the ring. Spots are scripted for storytelling purposes.

High spot (noun) A super exciting spot that either looks dangerous or is dangerous.

Blown spot (noun) When someone screws something up. This usually results in ten seconds of awkward non-action or an injury.

Squared Circle (noun) The ring. Don’t ask me why.

Squash Match (noun) A match that inevitably is short and one sided. The loser is set up to be squashed by an obviously superior opponent. This is also not an official match designation.

Superstars (noun) Male wrestlers.

Suplex (move) It starts as a hug, but the huggee gets flipped over the hugger and lands on his back.

Suplex City (bitch) Where Brock Lesnar takes his opponents.

Titantron (noun) The giant video screen the wrestlers walk out in front of. Named after the WWF’s former parent company, Titan Entertainment.

Turnbuckle (noun) The padded bits that connect the rings to the poles. Occasionally the padded bits are removed… this causes much hurt.

Work (noun) Anything planned. As in, the crowd is being worked over. Usually, everything in wrestling is a work, except when it isn’t. The opposite of a shoot.

Work (verb) To repeatedly attack a specific body part on an opponent, usually because the opponent “injured” that body part previously.

Vignette (noun) Pre-taped segments used to further a storyline or hint at an upcoming plot twist.

Did I miss any words from this WWE wrestling glossary? Do you vehemently disagree with my definitions? Want to tell me that wrestling isn’t real? Let me know in the comments below!

And if you missed out on our other editions of The Fangirl Glossary, you can check the entire resource out here for all the terms you need to know to make your way in the fandom world.

Welcome to my regular blog series dedicated to justifying my wrestling fandom. Here I will tenuously relate the WWE universe to larger issues in the wide world of fandoms and maybe even that cold lonely place known as “reality”. Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to present to you: WRESTLING WITH SHAME. Read on for my current rant!

Daniel Bryan is a professional wrestler and former WWE Champion. There. The “who” part is answered. Easy. The hard part is why you, the non-wrestling fan, should care. You should care because Daniel Bryan is you. Metaphorically, of course. You are actually you and Daniel Bryan is actually Bryan Danielson, but that last part isn’t really relevant, so don’t worry about it. Daniel Bryan is metaphorically you because he simply wasn’t that special.

Daniel Bryan did not sound like a wrestler; he openly wept in front of a microphone while discussing Connor the Crusher, a 6 year old cancer patient. Daniel Bryan did not act like a wrestler; he has been known to describe himself as the toughest vegan on the planet despite being in an industry that pushed the prototypical alpha male. Daniel Bryan was not built like a wrestler; he looks vaguely like a goat and is 4 inches shorter and ten pounds (maybe 20 on a bad day) lighter than me.

Daniel Bryan, we were told, was not a wrestler who could be the face of the wrestling to the outside world. But he proved them wrong, and we proved them wrong. He out-worked his size, we out-cheered his competitors, and he out-thought his problems. We forced his way into main event stories, and he made believers out of skeptics. Daniel Bryan became the WWE Champion, main evented Wrestlemania, and became the touchstone good guy wrestler for a generation of fans.

You are Daniel Bryan. You do not have your future nicely laid out for you. The hand of god has not reached down from heaven on high and blessed you with a gift ensuring your future. The only assurance you have is, well, you. You, and you alone, are ultimately responsible for your life, your failures, and your successes. You have the ability to grab life and squeeze what you want out of it. It doesn’t matter if you boss says you’ll never succeed in business because you’re allowed to prove your boss wrong. You’re given the opportunity to push your mind, body, and spirit further than anyone, including yourself, thinks possible. So be Daniel Bryan and live your life to its fullest potential. Stop arguing with me and do it.

Daniel Bryan retired from professional wrestling Monday night. He’s suffered innumerable concussions and the doctors said his brain could no longer handle the damage professional wrestling inflicts on a body. It was a sad day for the collective wrestling fandom as soon as this tweet was posted and shared across our timelines:

In a retirement speech that lasted longer than the extra 15 minutes I set my PVR for, Daniel Bryan thanked the world for allowing him to be himself. In a rare display of broken kayfabe, all wrestlers appeared on stage – out of character – to help usher him into retirement. Every story line was broken because a great wrestler was thanked for being a great wrestler. The assembled crowd, in Bryan’s hometown of Seattle, was seen to be openly emotional. They were sad, grateful, and shocked all at once. Tears were shed in the arena and online as the community gathered to reminisce about the end of one of our favorite characters and while the grieving process is still ongoing the collective “we” have decided to be grateful for what Daniel Bryan gave us and thankful that he’s stopping before doing any more permanent damage to himself. As Bryan himself said, he’s getting older and he and his wife (diva Brie Bella) are thinking about starting a family.

Daniel Bryan and wife Brie Bella

So, in a spasm of fan-awareness, I’d like to apply the lessons of Daniel Bryan as outlined earlier in this post to each of us and to the entire universe of fandoms. Be thankful for the gifts our favourite franchises give us. The entertainment, the curiosity, the creativity, the conversation, the characters, the beginnings, middles, and ends. All of it. In a world where everything must be temporary, we should make the effort to enjoy the gift of right now. It hurts, yes, that Jon Snow is totally 100% <SPOILER> and never, and I mean EVER, coming <SPOILER> and that One Direction is on hiatus forever. But that doesn’t take away from the gifts they gave us. So even if the third Hunger Games movie was pointless, the video for Zayn’s new single is kind of gross, and the fact the next (or previous) generation simply will not understand why Harry Potter was so important to the 12 year old version of you, that doesn’t mean you can’t or shouldn’t enjoy losing yourself in the fanstasy world they provided.

Long live the fans and the heroes, each of us are needed and cannot exist without the other.

Mangirling is a semi-regular feature that runs when the girls are too busy (lazy) to write their own posts, or when Johnny Rico feels the need to yell at the internet about something inconsequential. Read on for this week’s rant…

I’m sure you’ve all heard by now that George RR Martin has let us know that his new book, The Winds of Winter, will not be released prior to the new season of the show. For real, he even wrote us an apology on his Not A Blog website. The world is upset about this, and we need to talk about something Game of Thrones, so today I’m here to add to My Fangirl Life’s High Five series, with 5 Reasons George RR Martin Hasn’t Finished The Winds of Winter Yet. Read on!

1. Netflix and Chill

If you had a choice between writing six hundred thousand million words or changing into some comfortable pants, grabbing some leftover Christmas baking, and binge watching Making A Murderer which would you rather do? If you’re telling me you’d hunker down with a cup of whatever is in the Keurig machine in front of the laptop for another all nighter, you are flat out lying to me. Stop that. Don’t lie about Game of Thrones. It doesn’t help anyone and it just opens up the possibility of spoiling a scene for someone who is eavesdropping.

2. His Dog Ate It

Unlike the goody-goodies Kris, KG, and Justine, some of us hated school and the homework that came with it. Maybe ol’ George is starting to feel like this next book is like an essay on a subject he just doesn’t care about and he’s sick of his overbearing parents – I mean, fans and teachers – I mean, network execs and authors – hassling him all the damn time. Maybe George just wants to go hang out with his friends in a park and smoke cigarettes he stole from his grandma and drink the crappy beer his step-dad bought him?? Would that be so bad?

3. George is Troll

This is George’s World and you’re just living in it. What are the chance George is just messing with us now? How awesome would it be if all the books are done being written (or dictated to an assistant) and he’s just waiting for the TV show to conclude before saying, “Nope. They got it all wrong. Here’s what really happened…”? Remember when Star Trek was rebooted and everyone loved it? How much fun would Trekkies and Trekkers have arguing about which version of events was real if The Original Series and the reboot were released at the same time? Game of Thrones could have two divergent universes going on at the same time. Really, this is the best case scenario for all of us.

4. Writing is Hard

It turns out writing a fifth book about 700 characters and 4,700 interconnected story lines is hard. Like, really hard. Try sketching out a storyboard of an interesting story arc that involves you going to the corner store, then multiply that by several million times and you’ll get close to understanding how difficult this book must be. Then multiply that by millions of fans (like me!) constantly complaining and high priced executives calling him every 27 seconds asking, “Is it done yet? How about now? Now? George? Is it done? George, answer me? How’s the book going? Why aren’t you talking to me George? Stop ignoring my calls George! I’m coming over to see you George. I know you’re in there George. ANSWER THE DOOR GEORGE.”

5. He’s One of Us

Season 5 was really good and he just can’t wait to see what happens in Season 6. Like is Jon Snow actually <redacted> and OMG I can’t believe what Stannis did to and when is Dany going to fly Drogon over the Narrow Sea and really show those Baratheons (but really Lannisters) who is in charge. Who can concentrate when the new season is only FOUR MONTHS AWAY!!!!!!

Why do you think George isn’t done The Winds of Winter yet?

Johnny Rico

January High Five: Reasons George RR Martin Hasn’t Finished The Winds of Winter Yet was last modified: January 8th, 2016 by Johnny Rico

It’s Star Wars Week here on My Fangirl Life (and literally everywhere else in the world), where we celebrate the release of Episode VII: The Force Awakens. Join us every day as we discuss the new movie, the old movies, and plenty of general Star Wars fun! Today Johnny Rico is here to rant at the internet about something Star Wars related.

Let me take you back to a simpler time. The year was 1999. The world was optimistic for peace in the Middle East after the election of Ehud Barak, Haley Joel Osment saw dead people in The Sixth Sense (btw I totally called that 10 minutes in), Y2K was a growing and theoretically legitimate concern, we were all in love with a still hot Britney Spears, and nerds of the world united in the tender embrace of the first new Star Wars movie in nearly two decades.

For university-aged nerds in 1999 this was going to be our moment in the sun. Our grandfathers got to witness the Apollo missions, our older brothers got Star Trek: The Next Generation, and our fathers and uncles saw the original Star Wars trilogy during its initial run, but now with the collective wisdom passed down from our forenerds we were ready. It was our time. I was part of a small group that had spots five and six in line for Star Wars Episode I: The Movie That Shall Not Be Named tickets at the biggest, newest, and best theatre in my hometown for over two weeks. A couple guys were interviewed on the local news (when that still mattered), a franchise pizza place brought dozens of free pizzas down to us, and for the first time we got to commune with a large group of like-minded people that just wanted to get our Star Wars on. The day before tickets went on sale I walked the line and counted over 700 people waiting for tickets and I, thanks to my friends, was guaranteed two seats in the first showing in Edmonton. I was going to be among the first people to see a return of the glorious past.

The day approached with excitement. I drove to the theatre with great excitement. And when the opening scroll start I cheered… with excitement. I distinctly remember walking out of that movie, after being politely asked not to spoil anything for the people who were waiting outside, when someone in line for the 3:00 am show asked me how it was. “It’s Star Wars, man,” I said. “Of course it was awesome”. It was not awesome. We sat through 136 minutes of Jar Jar, political maneuvering, and confusing plot lines and managed to convince ourselves that it was exactly as awesome as we knew it was going to be. Star Wars: Episode I was not good and we didn’t know how to deal with it.

Now, 15 years later, I am on the verge of seeing the start of another new Star Wars trilogy and excitement for The Force Awakens is only tempered by my fear of spoilers. I have loose plans to see it at least 3 times before Christmas and have way too many ideas for the ONE blog post I’m allowed to write on the subject. But what if Episode VII is as bad as Episode I? What if JJ Abrams is a false saviour? What if some wide-eyed kid asks you how it was and you don’t have it in your heart to answer honestly? WHAT IF?! Well, I’m here to help. Here are 8 easy steps for dealing with a recklessly disappointing Star Wars movie.

Only see it 2, maybe 3, more times. Look, you’re going to be pretty excited the first time you see it. Especially if you already have tickets to one or two showings. It is entirely possible you won’t totally be in the right mind to make a proper, unbiased assessment. By limiting yourself to maybe only 4 more showings you’ll have enough time to fully recognize what went wrong and send a clear message to Disney that this movie didn’t meet expectations.

Only tweet positive comments to @georgelucas66. He isn’t going to respond anyway, and if his circle of sycophants couldn’t fix the new movie there isn’t a snowball’s hope on Hoth of your stopping the AT-AT. I think I may have mixed a metaphor there, but I don’t really want to fix it. Tweet ole George about how awesome Episode V was and thank him for that. I mean, they were inside of a giant space worm. If you tell me you were expecting that twist you are lying.

Do not take your pain out on BB-8. What has BB-8 ever done to you? Nothing, that’s what. Droids live only to serve and make clicky remarks. I know I made many smart remarks about C3PO being naked after Episode I, but truthfully I’m glad I got to witness its creation story. Give BB-8 the same respect and you will be repaid by having no hypocritical thoughts when you watch the Blu-ray release for the first time. To this day I know I said things that cannot be unsaid. It’s a shame I’ll take with me to my frozen carbonite grave.

Limit your online comments. Like most nerd groups you’ve probably got several dozen blogs posts planned to go along with a scheduled radio interview, as well as plans to really dive deep into the Jar Jar Sith Master theory on reddit, to post to random message boards, and to schedule endless Star Wars related tweets and Facebook updates for the pre-Christmas season. Obviously I wouldn’t tell you not to do any of this, but you might want to limit yourself to only 5 twitter conversations with minor celebrities a day. Can your follow up radio interview only be replayed 3 times overnight? Look into it. And only comment on your Star Wars-related Amazon purchases if you feel strongly about the product or service delivered.

Photo source: cbc.ca // Not pictured: Johnny Rico

Do not restart Star Wars: Battlefront out of spite. You made your choice already. You’re either a rebel soldier or a stormtrooper. Changing your choice now will do nothing to fix the movie. Besides, you were going to replay it anyway after Christmas. So finish your current game and do your very best to enjoy it. A lot of fine people at EA spent a lot of time working on it and you owe it to yourself to enjoy their creation.

Do not take it out on Subway. It’s truth time, folks. Subway has had a really bad year. I’ve been told I’m not allowed to even mention Jared here, but Subway had to deal with Jared. I recommend going to Subway by yourself, ordering your favorite foot long sub along with a refreshing soft drink in a collectable cup and really thinking about what Star Wars means to you. Don’t go during peak hours because it’ll be too loud. Wait until late evening, when no one in their right mind would go to Subway, and really contemplate Star Wars. Has their journey been worth it to you? Has it? It has.

Only hang on to the good collectibles. In 1999 I stole a Jar Jar Binks cardboard cutout from the old 7-11. My dad eventually threw it, and all my other assorted left behind merch, into the trash as I was no longer living in his house. I regret his decision to this very day. I try not to think about it, but how can I forget THAT? Like you wouldn’t be excited to see a six foot Jar Jar (complete with Pepsi logo) this week. So don’t throw out your toys, coffee creamers, stolen posters, movies stubs, orange labels, Millennium Falcon drone(s), BB-8 robot, replica blasters, and 16-foot inflatable Christmas Darth Vader. The pain will subside and you’ll once again cherish these investments.

Do not re-watch the good movies (and good parts of the bad movies) in anger. Just don’t. You should watch all of these things, several times in fact, but do it with an open mind and a clear heart. There are hours and hours of good memories and thrilling battles to enjoy. Do not let your current disappointment darken your shining Star Wars memories. Just don’t. Everything you’ve seen so far has a place in your beating heart for a reason, allow those memories to remain and you will reap the rewards before Episode VIII (OMG it’s only 17 months away!!!!!) when no one will be able to find a negative word you wrote about Episode VII.

Star Wars: The Force Awakens is going to be awesome man because how could JJ Abrams screw up a Star Wars movie? Frankly, to think otherwise would be inconceivable!

Would you like to know more?

Johnny (Dark Side) Rico

What If Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens Isn’t Good? was last modified: December 16th, 2015 by Johnny Rico

Welcome to my regular blog series dedicated to justifying my wrestling fandom. Here I will tenuously relate the WWE universe to larger issues in the wide world of fandoms and maybe even that cold lonely place known as “reality”. Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to present to you: WRESTLING WITH SHAME.

In the WWE, does it matter more: what the wrestler does or why the wrestler does it?

When professional wrestling was at its apex, during the Monday Night Wars, the WWE was different. Most people assume it was because there was more sex, violence, and swearing on Raw, but this doesn’t give the average wrestling fan enough credit. Wrestling nerds have never needed wrestling to fulfill those needs…we need wrestling to be entertained. This is best done through complex, multi-layered storytelling that just happens to be resolved through feats of athleticism. It’s easy to understand why the wrestlers at the top of the card are motivated. Fame and fortune (theoretically) exist for those who reach the pinnacle of the profession and win championship titles, but in a scripted drama only so many people can be actively chasing that dream. So what does the rest of the roster do while waiting for their chance?

During the “Attitude Era” the storytelling was focused on characters being individually motivated and pursuing their goals in the way best suited to their abilities. It didn’t matter to the APA that they weren’t vying for the tag titles because they were chilling in the basement, playing poker, waiting for their next contract. The Godfather was more concerned with his “business associates” than obtaining bling, Kurt Angel (same clip) was obsessed with being the perfect example of Americana, and DX wanted to save the wrestling institution by destroying it. Heck, Mick Foley managed to have 3 different characters, plus himself, because their individual stories were developed. Motivation mattered.

Many shows have suffered from a change in focus, sitcoms being the most noticeable. Friends and The Big Bang Theory, for example, were very strong comedies for the first few years of their respective runs…until the writers became obsessed with their characters finding drama, rather than finding love. Star Wars was a fun space western until Episode 1 turned it into a (semi-racist) conspiracy theory that pleased no one. NO ONE (Fix this, JJ, you’re our only hope).

In the current WWE, the so called “mid-card” wrestlers now exist only to fill time and to create YouTube moments. Adrian Neville has existed on the main roster for almost a year and, well, I have no idea what he’s about. Yes, he’s been involved in a bunch of matches and almost won a championship once, but his character has been mired in nothingness. Even the vague alien / superhero angle has never really be explained or explored. Adam Rose had a bunny – but then didn’t – and is now the anti-Adam Rose version of Adam Rose. This has never been explained and only barely mentioned. Wade – I mean Bad News – I mean King Barrett – just lurches from gimmick to gimmick looking and sounding great, but never doing anything interesting. This character malaise even extends to the very top of the roster. Roman Reigns is theoretically still a gun-for-hire since he got to keep The Shield’s entrance and attire, yet he immediately refused a very strong offer from the boss to get the Championship he so desperately desires. Why? I don’t know. Reasons, I guess. Randy Orton gets championship shots but is best known for the “RKO out of nowhere” meme. I’m not sure if his character is unhinged, super athletic, or an evil snake. Whichever is true, his semi-unexplained presence hasn’t been missed. <snark> John Cena hasn’t been missed nor is anyone looking for an explanation as to why </snark>.

On Sunday night Sheamus became the new WWE Champion and his reign, no matter how short it is, will be remembered as a nadir for the company. Wrestling fans will blame Sheamus for being an uninspired champion and will openly wonder why he was given the most important role in the company. Sheamus became champion by winning the Money in the Bank match (MitB is an annual multi-wrestler event where the winner of the match is given a briefcase containing a contract to enter into a WWE Championship match at any time) in June and using contract to challenge Roman Reigns to a match immediately after Roman defeated Ambrose and Del Rio in separate matches during Sunday night’s pay per view broadcast. That is the totality of what Sheamus has done this year. Theoretically the time between winning the briefcase and cashing in the contract should be an interesting journey, but sadly the WWE uses it as a crutch to explain all back story and future motivation.

The Lord of the Rings franchise is occasionally derided for being 6 movies were the characters just go on a long walk; this is true, but what a walk it is. The journey was more than the sum of its parts. The characters grew, they learned lessons about themselves and the meaning of existence, and were pushed to heights previously thought to be unimaginable. That is the journey Sheamus should have been on. Testing and preparing himself for his one moment to not just grab the brass ring but hold on to it. If I draw an analogy better LotR and MitB I’d call the former “a long walk” and the latter “a long wait for the bus.’

I blame the WWE Network and reality TV for this. Like modern politicians, the WWE is now obsessed with the 10 second soundbyte or OMG moment. Did you know they now get 90 seconds on ESPN Sports Center? I’m sure they’ll try to cram as much character development as possible into that. It doesn’t matter if a key plot point doesn’t make sense, as long as people seem excited. Was it better for the Dudley Boyz to be a surprising return or could their character & story be better explained, making their subsequent actions matter more? Had Alberto Del Rio’s firing and subsequent return to the WWE been explained in a way that made the viewer care about his journey, maybe the MexAmerica gimmick would make sense. Or maybe they would have scrapped that idea all together because enough ground work would have been done to make people realize it was dumb.

A franchise like The Hunger Games succeeded because it made people care about Katniss. Even though some people (editor’s note: one person, only one person) don’t like her because of a few absurdly written character flaws, at least I can understand what she’s fighting for and why the question of Gale or Peeta would matter to her. If it matters to the character, it will matter to the audience.

Quick Slams: Sheamus has more X-Pac heat than X-Pac ever had… Survivor Series is not officially irrelevant, it needs to be reinvented or forgotten… Someone should have consulted a vexillologist before unveiling the awful MexAmerican flag… Had I named this series today it would have been called “Monday Night Rico” – I apologize for not thinking of that sooner… Bray Wyatt has done nothing but put wrestlers over this year and now it’s time for a push… The New Day should hold every title right now… Why did Charlotte not help Becky, and vice versa, on Raw?… Mark Henry should retire, for real this time, he’s being abused right now and it’s sad… But seriously, congratulations to Sheamus, I guess.

Would you like to know more?

Johnny Rico

Wrestling With Shame: Character, Plot or Both? was last modified: November 25th, 2015 by Johnny Rico

Mangirling is a semi-regular feature that runs when the girls are too busy (lazy) to write their own posts, or when Johnny Rico feels the need to yell at the internet about something inconsequential (or totally consequential, in today’s case). Read on for this week’s rant…

When I first heard that One Direction was making another album for us I wondered how they would recover from the loss of Zayn’s songwriting skills… then I realized “oh ya, Zayn was the worst” and I moved my thinking on to wondering whether “Little Black Dress”, “Little Things”, or “Little White Lies” was a better little song. Many hours of wondering resulted in a decision… I, Johnny Rico, would produce the definitive ranking of all 89 One Direction Songs. DEFINITIVE!

A couple of notes on methodology: I listened to all songs until I got sick of them and would immediately assign them a letter grade (A through F), then wrote an insightful, humorous, or absurd comment about that song. I make no distinction between songs with the same letter grade until we get to the “A” songs, then it’s a countdown from 16 to 1. For all intents and purposes two songs rated as B- are of exactly the same quality. So, let’s get started shall we? From the worst to first, here it is: The Definitive Ranking of All 89 One Direction Songs!

F “Na Na Na”: It should be noted, I only listened to the live version of this song, but it is simply awful. Imagine burning spam and getting Gordon Ramsay’s opinion of your culinary offering. Blood garbage, an absolute donkey of a song, total low rent tripe. “We like na na na / we like ya ya ya”. Do better. Ugh. Just do better.

D- “Stockholm Syndrome”: Ugh. It’s not so much that this is just a bad song, it’s that I can’t figure out what they were trying to accomplish here. This is what happens when you let anti-vaxxers or mid 90s emo kids write pop music, I guess. But hey, if you like droning, depressing, and disturbed near-dance music, grab a near beer with a sociopath and head out for a night on the town.

D “Rock Me”: I had high hopes at the start for something that was going to turn the volume up to 11 and really rock. Sadly, I was mistaken. I really wanted to like “Rock Me”, but I didn’t. It left me at the altar dreaming of a better life. Sad.

C- “End Of The Day”: Ugh. It’s like Free To Be You And Me‘s grandchildren started doing pop music. Killer guitar on the fade out kept this from getting a D.

C- “Gotta Be You”: Never ever trust a song that starts with, “Girl….” I wonder where the girl in question is now.

C- “Loved You First”: Never ever trust a song that starts with, “Girl….” What a minute….

C “Better Than Words”: This song seems stunted and just slightly short of accomplishing what it set out to do.

C “Change My Mind”: Was this song done by a tribute band doing a fan fiction version of “What Makes You Beautiful”?

C “Change Your Ticket”: Hey, even good albums need some peppy filler. I generally like upbeat and happy sounding songs, but “Change Your Ticket” is a ride to nowhere.

C “Still The One”: I-E-I-E-I know.

C “Summer Love”: It bothers me, probably a little too much, that this song follows “They Don’t Know About Us” on the album, it felt like a regression from song to song.

C “Taken”: I notice there was no line in this song that said, “sod off and never talk to me again – I’m taken”… just a general acknowledgment of the someone being in a “taken” situation. Whatever the involved parties decided to do with this “taken” information remains unclear.

C+ “Another World”: I’ll take you to “Another World”. Every day in every way. Yeah-eah.

C+ “Diana”: I wouldn’t name a song after a girl that already has a (better) song named after her. Unless you’re Justin Timberlake and actually pretending to be Michael Jackson, then you can “like the boys in the band” all you want.

C+ “I Wish” / “More Than This” / “Same Mistakes”: Inoffensive, but uninspiring ballads. As middle of the road as 1D can get. I guess I’m not a fan of the 1D ballads on Up All Night because I find them pointless to a certain extent. Just nice sounding songs that never get better than nice.

C+ “I Would”: I liked this song better the first time* when it was called “Teenage Dirtbag”. Go listen to Wheatus. The problem with this song is that it doesn’t resolve itself whereas Wheatus gets the girl and goes to an Iron Maiden concert; “I Would” simply ends with all of One Direction promising sweet nothings to the wind.

*This is a blatant rip off of a David Spade SNL line.

C+ “Illusion”: What happens if you believe in love and illusions? Would that invalidate this song? Don’t worry everyone, your pal Johnny Rico believes in illusions.

C+ “Olivia”: They tried for fun and frothy but missed and got lazy and childish.

C+ “Truly, Madly, Deeply”: Why did One Direction release a song exclusively to Australia with the same title as a smash 1996 hit from Australian pop duo Savage Garden? Brilliant marketing?

C+ “Wolves”: In another era this song would have been a hit lounge song by The Captain and Tenille. Look it up.

B- “Back For You”: This is a good, but not great, song from Take Me Home. I can’t really find any fault with it, I just don’t find myself really enjoying it.

B- “Fool’s Gold”: A sweet sounding song that’s not so innocent. Do yourself a favor and listen to 1D’s albums in order from oldest to newest. You’ll be shocked by how much they’ve matured in almost every aspect. I upgraded this song twice after listening to it three times.

B- “Infinity”: Odd choice for a song title considering this album may be the end of One Direction… I know, I know, they’re on hiatus and any talk that they’re done FOREVER is strictly verboten, but I can’t help but notice there are many songs on Made in the A.M. that seem to have a certain finality to them. In any event, this isn’t a great song.

B- “Irresistible”: I resisted this song. Somehow.

B- “Long Way Down”: It’s a shame we won’t see an A.M. Tour. 1D, with this album, now has the tunes to bring down the mood during the middle of the set. Great for guys to get beer and even better for women who want to have a feel.

B- “Nobody Compares”: There’s nothing right or wrong about this song. It’s a middling effort on an album that is pretty average top to bottom.

B- “Save You Tonight”: Aside from the whole “I’m going to save you from some other dude simply by being a clearly superior dude” bit of self-aggrandizing One Direction does here, this is a good song.

B- “Spaces”: The average song on Four is so much better than the average song on Up All Night. This here is an average song from Four.

B- “Stole My Heart”: I have mixed feelings on this one. I like the beat and I don’t mind the song, but I can’t tell if someone is screwing with the volume on purpose or just to screw with my expectations. Is this song a rollercoaster or a rocket ship to the moon?

B- “Tell Me A Lie”: One Direction turns up the beat and the bass and does a fair to middling job at rocking. It’s what “Rock Me” could have been, but clearly wasn’t.

B- “Walking In The Wind”: People who know me know I like to predict the future. People who know I like to predict the future will not like what this song causes me to predict. They’re not getting back together for a long time. Oh sure, they’ll do it in 20 years when in London and LA for a metric tonne of cash, but it’s over.

B- “Why Don’t We Go There”: This song seems, ummm, a little concerning. Not quite like “Blurred Lines” levels of concern, buuuuut there’s clearly some third wave coercion going on here.

B- “You & I”: Nice ballad, but unremarkable. Although any song would struggle following “Midnight Memories”.

B “18”: I wonder what would happen if Jerry Lewis, Jerry Lawler, or Roman Polanski wrote this song. You know what? Never mind, don’t look it up, it’s not important. I like this ballad. It fills me with hope for both the future and the past.

B “C’mon C’mon”: This is a better version of “Tell Me A Lie”.

B “Don’t Forget Where You Belong”: The first time I ever heard this song was while preparing this DEFINITIVE ranking of all 93 One Direction songs. Good tune, I enjoyed it.

B “Fireproof”: Such a harmonious chorus. Nobody does power rankings the way I do ?. Tee hee. See what I did there messing up the lyrics to talk about myself? I should be paid for this banter.

B “Hey Angel”: You know the song the back-up band plays before the lead singer and well-known guitarist take the stage at a concert to build the mood? That’s this song. It makes me wonder what a One Direction concept album would sound like.

B “I Should’ve Kissed You”: A good song and good advice for boys.

B “Last First Kiss”: I’m vaguely bothered that 2 of the first 5 songs on Take Me Home included the word “kiss”: in the title. “Last First Kiss” isn’t as good as “Kiss You” in the “Kiss” song power ranking, but that doesn’t mean it’s bad.

B “Little Things”: …and now the boys go all acoustic… They sound so nice and sweet and the lyrics are so nice and sweet, but saying she doesn’t like her “dimples and thighs” might be a little too on point.

B “Love You Goodbye”: Honest question, I’m asking for a friend: So, uh, is 1D saying goodbye to a girl and asking for break up sex or letting us fans down gently?

B “Magic”: This song needed a bit more love and a chance. It could have been a contender.

B “She’s Not Afraid”: 50 Shades of 1D? Oh no wait, she’s just not afraid of attention and scary movies. Carry on.

B “Stand Up”: I feel like this was meant to be an anthem and just missed its mark. There’s no shame in that.

B “Temporary Fix”: I’d like to hear someone mash this up with “Girl Almighty”. I think it’s the same song, but with more casual sex.

B “Through The Dark”: I feel like this would have been one of the top 4 songs on any One Direction album not called Midnight Memories. It’s got a great baseline driving the song forward.

B “Up All Night”: I would have named this album “Moments”.

B “What A Feeling”: This won’t appear on any future Greatest Hits album, but I like it and it seems to sum up some sort of thought One Direction is trying to get across throughout the entirety of Made In The A.M.

B+ “Clouds”: I would love to hear a DJ get hold of this song and put a massive drop in. It’s probably by design, but this track seems to always be building itself up, but never getting anywhere… just like the clouds. Savvy.

B+ “Does He Know?”: It’s like listening to an above average Cars song, except it’s about stalking. Actually, it’s like listening to an above average Cars song.

B+ “Everything About You”: The lyrics aren’t great and neither is the music, but it’s fun electronic pop. So enjoy it, dammit.

B+ “Happily”: Vaguely Mumford and Sons sounding. Hey ho?

B+ “Heart Attack”: At first I rated this song as a generic epileptic seizure, but I think heart attack may be warranted.

B+ “I Want To Write You A Song”: If you really wanted to write me a song it would have to go on the next album.

B+ “If I Could Fly”: Oh man, if I had feelings and something really bad happened like <redacted> or my favorite band decided to break up and go on infinite hiatus this would be the song I cried myself to sleep with. Well, this song, wine, and Ativan. Mmmmm Ativan.

B+ “Live While We’re Young”: The shame about living while you’re young is that it’ll make you old. Although, you’re going to get old anyway, so whatever. Live away.

B+ “Moments”: Let’s see, who wrote this very good song… Oh, it was Ed Sheeran.

B+ “Never Enough”: If One Direction debuted this song with a cameo on Pitch Perfect 3 I know three women that would lose their collective minds. Literally. I’m not even kidding. They would turn into pudding and happily live the rest of their lives on the theater floor humming this song.

B+ “No Control”: I remember back when *NSYNC released an album called No Strings Attached because they were now totally independent musicians. Of course, that was their second album and it shot them out of Backstreet’s shadow and launched Justin Timberlake in the Britney-killing mega-star we all know and love.

B+ “Once In A Lifetime”: Can you imagine recording your 50th song about this particular subject and having the unmitigated balls to call it “Once in a Lifetime”? The hubris! Too bad it’s a good song.

B+ “Over Again”: I think One Direction owes Ed sheeran a favor or two. I mean, he wrote some of the best early songs and word is that one of them stole his lady friend…

B+ “Right Now”: The Van Halen version of “Right Now” was the song behind the launch of Crystal Pepsi. Fact. When 90’s kids claim to be nostalgic for Crystal Pepsi they’re full of crap. Crystal Pepsi was undrinkable syrupy garbage. Fact. Also, McDonalds pizza was inedible cardboardy garbage. Fact.

B+ “Steal My Girl”: The lyrics to this strong song are pretty awful. Warning! Incoming digression… Gentlemen, I need to converse with you for just a moment; ladies please cover your ears for 35 seconds so the men can talk. Men, if you’re spending your time worrying about some other dude “stealing your girl” that is a “self-fulfilling prophecy”. It will happen. The only way to keep a girl is to walk through life knowing you have nothing to worry about because why would anyone be able to steal a girl from you? And then acting accordingly. Furthermore, if some dude steals your girl, it’s for the best and you should move the hell on. Or use a really strong chain and some solid surveillance equipment. Either works. Ladies, welcome back! Don’t worry, I didn’t say anything inappropriate while you were gone.

B+ “Strong”: It’s a strong song.

B+ “Where Do Broken Hearts Go”: Broken hearts usually go to the pizza store, liquor store, and a couch. In that order. Eventually they settle down and get their lives together and move on. Hearts are stupid and should not be trusted.

(16) A- “Ready To Run”: Coincidentally, this is a great driving tune. If you want to feel what the 70s were about, plug this song into your eight track player and drive your wildly fuel inefficient car really fast down an empty highway whilst drinking a can of really crappy beer**.

**Do not do this. Drinking and driving is illegal and bad and wrong and will turn you into a social pariah. Despite a myriad of problems with its enforcement (how does breath measure blood and, you know, the constitution prohibiting unlawful searches) you are better off not drinking and driving nor drinking then driving.

(15) A- “Kiss You”: Every time I h-h-hear I want to drink a b-b-beer. Back say y-y-yeah. And let me kiss you.

(14) A- “Act My Age”: This speaks to me for some reason, but never mind that. How fun is this song? Joyous 60s pop with a touch of Irish rock and bar-room chanting. My only issue is the line “when I’m fat and old” because getting fat is a choice, old is not.

(13) A- “Little Black Dress”: This shouldn’t be a good song. Really. There’s almost no musical variety, it’s slow, and the boys sort of just chant in time with the music, buuuuut it works. It’s got a bit of the early 80s and The Cars (right down to the 2:30 run time and unfinished fade-out), which certainly doesn’t hurt.

(12) A- “Alive”: A One Direction party rock anthem? Turn it up and bring it on! WOOOOO!

(11) A- “Perfect”: This is the single toughest grade to give in the entire One Direction catalog because of the Taylor Swift “Style” mashup. If Taylor releases a single in response to this song and we get a pop music version of Ice Cube vs NWA or Drake vs Meek Mill, “Perfect” shoots way up.

(10) A- “They Don’t Know About Us”: I really enjoy songs that build throughout. “They Don’t Know About Us” starts with a simple piano opening and builds to a crescendo for the entire song before tying everything together with a tiny little bow with 10 seconds of simple piano at the end. Smart song-making.

(9) A- “Drag Me Down”: If you speed this song up and angrily shout the lyrics it turns into a song that’ll make me want to run through a damn brick wall.

(8) A- “I Want”: I REALLY dig this song. The start of “I Want” is a straight up throwback to the early era of Beatles songs. It then kicks back and forth between that and 70s style Queen. If you’re going to be a British boy band I need and demand a song like this.

(7) A- “Half A Heart”: Squeeeeee. I can just hear the fangirls squealing down there in the 8th row, 2 seats off the aisle. It’s like someone distilled 1D meth and slowed it down by just a split second. Which scientists did and boom! “Half A Heart” was invented.

(6) A “A.M.”: I think KG’s overly emotional post summarized the fangirl reaction to this song with emotion. So much emotion. This is likely the end, ladies and mostly just ladies, for One Direction. As a great show once said in going off the air, “All good things…”. Frankly I think One Direction will follow that show’s post-finale arc with spinoffs, and movies. Except musicians have solo projects and reunions. As far as the power rankings go I fear I rated this one way too high out of nostalgia.

(5) A “What Makes You Beautiful”: Solid, but juvenile pop music. The seeds of greatness are certainly here, but the boys have not yet attained “man” status. Mantus? Something like that. I’m not sure One Direction becomes a rocket ship to the moon without this song. “What Make You Beautiful” is that good and is that important.

(4) A “Night Changes”: The shocking this about “Night Changes” is how restrained it is. A simple story is told, in an understated manor, that allows the journey to take a front seat ahead of the lyrics, music, and even the boys. This may be the first song One Direction has done that is more than the sum of its parts. Also, the video is a fantastic concept.

(3) A “Best Song Ever”: I think if I ever do a list of catchiest One Direction songs, this one tops the list. It’s like the boy band version of Jack Black’s Tribute. “Best Song Ever“barely misses on its lofty goal for itself by only the thinnest of margins.

(2) A+ “Story of My Life”: If Mumford & Sons released this song it would have sold fewer copies, but had much better critical reviews. Believe that, haters. I’ll put this song up against any darling indy track that’s earned a counter-culture following and expect the manufactured One Direction to win.

(1) A++ “Midnight Memories”: And here we are, the absolute cream of the crop. As I’m sure you all know, I write a monthly wrestling column here on My Fangirl Life and in the wrestling world you tell who matters by the “pop” a wrestler receives when they walk out unexpectedly. When “Midnight Memories” started at Commonwealth Stadium in Edmonton, Canada on July 21st, 2015 the place POPPED, to a bigger level than anything ACDC got a month later (both nights were rainy and miserable, for the record). This song is easily the best One Direction song and it’s probably the best boy band song of all time. “Midnight Memories” is well made, well crafted, and strongly performed by a superstar group at the very height of their powers. This is the song I use to justify One Direction to outsiders. It has a killer chorus, killer hook, killer verses, and combines into a killer song with a nice bluesy feel. “Midnight Memories” wins and you’re wrong if you disagree because I’m moving forward, so don’t look back baby follow me.

And there you have it, the definitive list of all 89 One Direction songs from across their 5 albums. Tell me what you agree with and, more importantly, tell me what you disagree with. My rankings, although definitive, are completely subjective. Let’s talk in the comments!

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Johnny Rico

The Definitive Ranking of All 89 One Direction Songs was last modified: November 14th, 2015 by Johnny Rico

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