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Thursday, 19 September 2013

Round Table Discussion: Submission

Those clever gals at Spanking Romance Reviews have recently begun a very nifty thing called 'Round Table Discussions', a multi-blog initiative in which topics of interest to kinky folk are pondered. And I am proud to say that I have been invited to pull up a chair and participate!

The topic this time round (ha! Round!) is ‘Submission: in or out of the bedroom, or both?’

Which is quite the question. In response I would start by saying that, even though I am not in a D/s relationship, submission plays a role in my life every day. In fact I would say, quite unequivocally, that submissiveness is my default setting, in and out of the bedroom. It is reflexive; it feels as natural as breathing. Which makes perfect sense to me as I believe that such characteristics are things that people are born with, like blue eyes or dark hair. And it is this inherent quality that is crucial, I think: it is this innate core from which submissive urges arise, quite unconsciously, and to which the act of submission speaks.

Yet I also have to say that, as familiar as the sense of submissiveness is to me – as familiar as my hands – it is somehow also like an unknowable force of nature, almost like something outside of myself. Certainly something beyond my rational control, and something vast and forever new, an ocean to be explored. What I do know is that when I submit I feel satisfaction, wellness – deep, wordless, primal – as if a basic need has been met. Which, of course, it has. It’s comparable, I think, to eating when hungry, or sleeping when tired. And, while it might sound an obvious thing to say, I find it instructive to bear in mind that similarly fundamental drives have a degree of influence on everyone’s actions and feelings, wherever an individual might be on the kinky spectrum. (A side point, but I think it is such underlying drives that give kinksexual things the quality of authenticity: when these are absent it is so easy to tell that someone is just going through the motions).

Submissiveness is a key part of my sexuality, and is central to my relationship with my partner. And, even though it is not expressed within a recognisably D/s context, it necessarily forms an element in all the play we have in the bedroom. The specific act of submission might vary, as might the explicitness of my submission, but the same basic impulse lies behind each one. When I go across my partner’s knee for a spanking, I am submitting, even if I make a show of struggling defiance (and even if my spankings are always part of 'play' and thoroughly enjoyed). When tears come, and I give myself utterly to the experience, my submission deepens and becomes more complete.

I submit when I kneel at his feet and look up into his eyes. I submit when we make love. I submit when I nestle in his arms, passive and peaceful. In each case I am giving of myself to him, and trusting him to love and protect me. And that is a wonderful, cathartic, enveloping feeling. It is in these moments, I think, that the universality of submission (that is, its transcendence of the kinksexual context) and the inseparability of submission and trust feel most apparent. I know that many people reading this will understand the sentiment that, in order to submit fully, you have to trust completely.

As I mentioned above, I think that my submissive tendencies readily manifest themselves outside the bedroom, though they do so in less overt ways. (I have yet to be bent over and spanked in a shopping mall, anyway. Though I might well fantasise about that). I tend to be the quieter and more passive one in our relationship, and I instinctively consult with my partner on things, rather than acting unilaterally. In discussions, big or small, I tend to defer to his judgement. Which is actually an occasional source of irritation to him:

BH: “Where should we eat tonight? And don’t say it’s up to me!”

Me: “Up to you.”

BH: “Argh!”

But it’s just my nature. And it comes as part of the same package that means I will do whatever he wants in the bedroom, so I don’t think he minds too much.

Beyond our relationship, i.e. in other social situations, I am unassuming and happy to go with the flow. Little miss team player, that’s me. If the gals want to meet at 8, I will fit my plans to suit, and I wouldn’t dream of making them change their plans to suit me. And, while this might not seem as obvious an instance of submission as when I play the naughty sex slave and beg my pretend-master to stripe me, to my mind it is all part of the same thing: another reflection of my submissive nature. I yield, rather than impose; I respond, rather than initiate; I instinctively place the desires of others above my own. (Not, I’d just like to add, as the result of some calculation, nor in the hope of gain further down the line, but simply because it is my nature).

Of course, I could be completely wrong on all of the above. I am just speaking from experience and trying to put the things I feel into words. It’s a fascinating thing to think about, anyway :)

Do please share any thoughts you might have – I’d love to hear them. And do please visit the round table and check out what other bloggers have to say on the matter! (But don’t touch the peanuts. They’re mine).

30 comments:

It's so interesting to read these posts. I'm learning something everywhere I go. Trust is a theme that's sort of just beneath the surface - and what a show of trust to give your submission and what a gift for him to accept it.

It's interesting how even as you play in the bedroom, submission truly is your nature in your daily life. I have the same exactly and only just recently figured out why I can't make decisions very easily even over silly things. It's all interesting to think about,I agree. I probably spend way too much time o it!!

Glad you liked it, Natasha! I could have written more (much more), but figured the post was getting a bit long already...

And I'm glad that it made some kind of sense. Analysing and expressing such deep-rooted aspects of yourself is tricky, and I know that I can only ever provide an approximation. But that's okay :) because, just like submission itself, self-understanding is a lifelong process.

You really got me on the deferring to his opinion on things. It made me think back to a former relationship, in my younger days, I had a boyfriend who could never make a decision, and always wanted my opinion, where would we go, what would we do etc. He was a kind gentle man but in the end it drove me nuts. I wanted someone to TELL ME what we would do for a change. Back then I had no idea why really, I just knew it left me dissatisfied. I don't defer to hubby's opinions naturally and will often argue the toss, but I love that he has an opinion and will assertively express it, often carrying his point too well!

A very interesting look at your life, fantasy and real, and I just loved your take on the beyond our relationship too.

My partner and I have seen this first hand in our lives. Although seldom mentioned in a normal conversation or exchange of ideas or thought, that engrained in us Dominance and submission is always there, a constant companion in all we are and we both feel and flavor our love and compassion through the vestiges of our chosen and equally trusted love and lives. And a large part of "our" lives is respecting and nurturing each other's opinions and ideals equally and with a trusted respect of each other in all we are...

I'm not blogger and hope you don't mind a man joining in the discussion. Penny, the points about your submissiveness were so well put.

I'm a big tall guy but in my daily life I'm very low in confidence, polite, easy going and humble.I'll go along with the majority to avoid arguments in social situtations

That's why when I'm being kinky, I like to take charge and pretend to be in a position of authority over a submissive women who loves these situations (although I don't meet many women who share my interests).For example it's great playing a prison officer or reform school teacher. It's fun because it's a total change!That's why it's such intense fun -it's more than sexual,it's pychological.Id used to say..)t's fun to occasionally switch places too but"dont you just love being in control?" as an old TV ad used to say

And thank you so much for the insight into your own life, thoughts and feelings. I can certainly understand the "change" dynamic (for want of a better word), and I think it forms part of my own kinkiness, strange as that may sound given the post above. For one thing I think it is one of the elements that drive, or lie behind, the urge to roleplay - and I LOVE the feeling of escapism I get when dressed and treated as a naughty schoolgirl.

"For better or worse," exactly! I noticed after I posted that I had left out all the negatives to my nature. But hey - why worry about what you can't change? My feet are the size they are, my eyes the colour they are, my submissiveness is no different.

I liked your view on this. When I was trying to write my post I kept trying to decide whether I am naturally submissive, or just laid back. Do you think they are different? I feel I am the same way with "whatever you want" and not wanting anyone's plans to revolve around me, I don't mind changing my plans around for others. But I also am not quiet and have pretty strong opinions about things.It is interesting to see everyone's takes on it, and I really liked your post!

I think submissiveness and being laid back are different things, though they naturally overlap. I just happen to have something of both in my character.

And it's probably way too late to say so, but I think I might have given a slightly incomplete impression of myself as I focused so closely on the submissive bits. I can be opinionated and loud every so often :D

Brilliant and beautiful, Penny!I love reading your words, they are just so eloquent and lovely. :)

And I really appreciated your honesty about your natural submission. I am still fighting this side of myself. I'm often conflicted by the fact that submission feels so right to me, but it is still so frowned upon in today's society.

I do the same thing with decisions like meals, movies, etc... also :)I loved this post, Penny.can't wait to hear more from you!

I can well understand the conflict you describe and I hope you get to where you want to be. (I know you will).

Actually, your point raises an interesting contradiction, if not quite a paradox: in order to fully inhabit your submissive nature you have to first be assertive... you have to stand up to 'society' (both internally and externally realised) and demand it accept you for what you are. I think the main part of this work is an internal matter: re-examining and questioning many of the assumptions and expectations you have internalised over the years.

Wow, Penelope, there's so much here that I almost wish I could share with this UU guy who I and another L&G-er are arguing with about the need for a UU Awareness group within a faith movement- about submission not being just about sex.

But yes, most definitely the way we process our submission is individual. Outside of interacting with my Master, I have to balance a tendency to "teenage rebellion" and what my Master jokingly calls my "Joelle polite filter."

I love the insight into your kink and personality, though, obviously, submissiveness is but one facet of it. In interpersonal relationships, I think submission works well with a complementary dominance in a mutually beneficial partnership. Outside that, the risk with submission could be exploitation, or as members of a society, allowing authority to get away with murder.

I've always thought my kinks generally run on a different track than my personality. In my everyday relationships, I'm not very conscious of dominance and submission. Things tend towards an attitude of equality, and that's usually the considered ideal. My kinks are mostly about control, or relationships where there are more extreme expressions of nurture, vulnerability, etc..

Yes, that makes sense to me. Our personalities and kinks don't always have to 'correspond' in a like-for-like way. And you're right, submissiveness is one of a number of facets in my makeup, not the entirety of it.

The potential dangers you flag up - the potential for exploitation of the submissive person - once again point to the centrality of trust. It really is a vital and precious ingredient in any such relationship.

I love the insights into your thoughts and feelings, too. Thank you for sharing.

Thanks Penny for a really interesting window into your submissive nature. Do you think its similar for the dominant person in the relationship? I don’t think I am dominant in or out of the bedroom and like you my default setting in life is to fit in with everybody else but being the top is still the turn on when it comes to the kink part of me. My partner is more fluid and she seems to drift in and out of both roles which confuses the hell out of me! I think its complex and personal to all of us and maybe that’s why its so fascinating. At the moment in my life I have to confess that I have absolutely no idea what its about even though its been a part of me forever.

And thanks for the thoughts on your own life and kink. I couldn't agree more that these things are both complex and unique to each of us (though we can find things in common with other people).

It's interesting (and very sweet) that you say you don't know what it's about, but that you feel it has been a part of you forever. I think this really captures something of the experience we all have, and points to the difference between feeling and thought. Or heart and mind, if you like.

I don't think any of us ever get to the end of that particular journey - the journey of discovery, I mean - but that's a good thing!

Dear penny, great topic thank you, round table. I wanted to share www experienceproject- I used to get the cane at school. It's a forum thread which I have found and think you will find just up your street. It's obvious that it's lots of first hand accounts, from different folk. I hope you get a chance to check it out. Harry

A great post and I totally understand the natural side of submission and it can frustrate those who don't appreciate it. The ''where shall we eat'' scenario made me smile because I can really relate to that. Also being across the knee..at first it is the pleasure of the pain and then the wonderful almost overwhelming feel of submission- *sigh* .