Sunday, January 31, 2010

Better late than never, huh? Yeah, I know. Even Edbert doesn't approve of my fuckery.

What can I say? The holiday season totally blew up my to-do list and then buggered it up the behind and did a tap dance on it. I stink at time management, I really do. It almost feels like New Year's Day was a couple of days ago...but alas. Tomorrow is February. Goht Dayum. Where does the time go? Quit hiding from me, motherfucker.

Anyway, time for me to rec some more humor fics for you people. I have two stories that are making me bust the gut I gained gorging myself on Christmas cookies. Yeah, New Year's Resolution. You heard me. I said it 'gut.' STOP JUDGING ME. Why am I repeatedly talking to inanimate concepts like time and new year's resolutions? Hmmm. Oh that's right. No one else to talk to. I HAVE TO MAKE UP IMAGINARY, INTANGIBLE FRIENDS. How sad is that?

Alright, where the hell was I? Oh yeah...on with the fuckery wreckery. I mean fickery rec'ory.

Oh. Mah. Gah. I know I've written a blog post about great Geekward fics before...but I think this one might be the one that pwns them all. SRSLY. All my base are belong to this story. Edward is beyond geeky. He is Edward the Über Dweeb. (See, I even put the umlaut on the 'u' and everything cos I pretty fucking nerdy myself.) But he is unbelievably hilarious, as is his lady love, the fair Bella—a nerdette he meets online while playing World of Warcraft. Here's a snippet from the very first page...I was laughing, seriously, three sentences into this thing:

EPOV:
Leveling up mining is really tedious. All I do is fly around on my epic mount and look for little mustard-colored splotches on my screen. I tell myself I’m doing it for the gold, but in reality, I’m just killing time until she logs on. Thirty seconds to go until her usual 3:22 pm arrival. In Phoenix, kids get out of school at 3, unlike here in Forks, where we get out at an awkward 2:26. Why the extra minute, I wonder, sipping my juice-box. Today was the last day of school for both of us. Summer vacation stretched before me—a respite from my private torture chamber that is Forks High, home of the Spartans. My thoughts are interrupted by a bright yellow alert. She’s on! My fingers nearly shook as I typed.

/w PrettyFowl “Hey sugar.”

A bright pink answer returned to my screen.

“teddy! /hugs”

I sighed, happily. This was the world I was comfortable in. Not high school, where people avoided my cold glare and shuddered when I walked by. Not in my home, where my brothers teased me endlessly for being a recluse. This is my world, the World of Warcraft, and I, the dwarf paladin StoneMasen, am the master of the freaking universe.

You read that right. Edward Cullen...sipping a juice box. My Cheezits, people, I nearly peed my pants. I'm just happy there was a Geekward Shuffle Challenge and that SWH entered it and decided to turn this one-shot of pure funny into a multi-chapter fic. And for the few of you who get all the nerd references in this story: I hope to God you leave your house every once in a while.

Here's the description.

GEEKWARD SHUFFLE CHALLENGE WINNER! Lonely Edward finally found a place where he fits in—the World of Warcraft. He meets a girl from Phoenix, and when she moves to Edward’s neck of the woods, the nerdy sparks fly like lightsabers clashing. M for languageRated: M, Bella and Edward

My next fic rec is for a story written by an author who really needs no introduction. Cos if someone needs to explain to you who wrote Poughkeepsie, you're probably on a deserted island somewhere with no internet access anyway.

Take an embarrassing problem, an embarrassing situation involving said embarrassing problem, combine it with a well-meaning yet completely socially-stunted, handsome pharmacist, add a generous helping of a luckless Bella, mix them up and you get GYNAZOLE. This thing is like There's Something About Mary, but told from a woman's point of view. And well, it's Twilight fanfiction and not a movie. Stick with me people, I'm trying to make a point here. I think.

Listen, this thing is full of crude jokes about bodily functions but you just don't care because it's written with so much humor but also with a pinch of...okay, I'm gonna sound like a completely pretentious asshat but I need to show off my vocabulary skillz every once in a while or the student loans I'm still paying off just wouldn't be worth it. The story is written with humor and pathos, you dig? Pathos, like a type of sympathetic connection you feel for the character and what they're going through. It actually makes stuff funnier. Trust me, it just does. You need dual PhDs in Tomfoolery and Jiggery Pokery to understand. It's very complex. But like all pretentious asshats, I digress...

Let me show you an excerpt. Just to set up: Bella needs a prescription filled for a...feminine ailment. Edward is her pharmacist.

“Ok, Ms. Swan GYNAZOLE is not a soap. It will not work if you put it in and then rinse it off in the shower.” He began patting the prescription paper to emphasize his words.

Oh God. We’re talking about me being naked, in the shower with cooter crème. Please world end. Kill me.

“I know it’s not soap. I just… if it’s scented… I can’t do scented. Flowers and stuff like that. Fruit flavored soaps make… things… burnish.” She could tell from the peeks at his face Mr. Cullen had never stepped foot in Bath and Body Works and wanted to try the array of fun fragrances. Nor had he purchased Peppermint Twist shower gel, foamed up his nether regions and felt like he had dipped them in lava. Bella crossed and uncrossed her legs at the memory.

Mr. Cullen seemed concerned. “Ok, just a heads up. It’s definitely not good to put any fruits or plant life near your genitals.” He made a ‘V’ with his two hands and formed his own pretend vagina in front of his pants.

Again, you read that right. Edward Cullen...made a pretend vagina with his fingers. MTK knows how I feel about Edward's vagina pantomiming. It makes me simultaneously want to laugh and smack him upside his pretty bronze-haired head. The jokes just go on and on in this one, so consider yourself warmed. PEE FIRST, PEOPLE. S'ALL I'M SAYIN.

The summary:

Bella has to fill an embarrassing prescription. Mr. Cullen is the pharmacist there to greet her. Rated M for every reason my twisted mind can come up with. God help us if there is a lemon. Rated: M, Bella and Edward

There you go. Two funny fic recs and you only had to wait like 347,980,867,597,536,549,097 months for them. HAPPY DAY!

Friday, November 6, 2009

It's Friday again already? I'm surprised we're all still alive after an epic week of RobPr0n--again. Dude, this is ridiculous. This is panty terrorism at its worst. Are you trying to kill people? Srsly. Let's take a peek at some of the Vanity Fair loveliness, shall we?

"Hi, um...I'm ABG and I'm VF's official flosser. I see you're eating
corn. Let me help you get cleaned up. What's that? Yes, I realize
I'm not actually using floss but I've found that my tongue is much
more effective..."

Ahem. Moving on...

"Can I get under that blanket with you? I'm freezing.

Yes, I know being nude doesn't help. Don't question

me, young man."

And lastly...

"Look at you in pajamas, all adorable and...
English-y! Makes me wanna knit you a 'jumper'
and make you tea for 'elevensies.' Did I mention
my fondness for parka peen? TMI? Sorry, my
good chap. Pip, pip and cheerio!"*

Alrighty, don't know about you, but I'm ready to get my freak on! So here's my GYFOF rec of the week...

Work in Progress is an hilarious fic with lemons that make you forget your first name. Bella is delightfully snarky, lively and lovable. Edward has a few demons from his past but Bella coaxes out the best in him. The supporting characters, however, really steal the show. Emmett is a professional wrestler who eats his body weight in Brazilian barbecue (Bella calls him 'Meat Sweats,' come on, how can you not laugh at that?) Jacob is a pothead who hides his giant bong in Bella's apartment. And last but not least are the two sidekicks who we never actually see: Bella's talking ovaries. I simply adore this story, especially the lemons that make me break into a sweat myself.

The summary:

Bella, Edward and the usual suspects are adults living in Seattle. They hit it off after a klutzy accident and E awakens B's ovaries, who never hesitate to voice their pervy opinion in B's head. Rated M for language and lemons. AU/AH. Bella and Edward.

So there you have it...more Robaliciousness, lemons and sweating. Sounds like my typical Saturday night, at home alone with only some Two Buck Chuck to keep me company.

*Before all my English friends decide they now hate me, they should know that I'm being an idiot. I realize Brits don't actually talk like characters from Mary Poppins. (Only Rob does when I fantasize about him.) I was however, married to an Englishman briefly. Longest five minutes of my life. I kid! So yeah, I dig you people for real. And your parka peens.

Friday, October 30, 2009

If you have a sense of humor (which I'm assuming you do otherwise I really have to wonder why you'd be reading this instead of, I don't know, organizing your sock drawer) then you're probably familiar with the concept of "jokes that tell themselves." Some things in life are just so absurd and freaky that all you need to do is point at it and say "WTF?" and everyone in the room will laugh. When you turn that practice into a style of comedy, you bring it to a whole new level of funny. If you want to be a little Miss FancyPants, you can use the technical name and call it parody or satire. The trick to good parody is to take those absurd things and showcase them in a way that illustrates how redonk the world can be. It's not as easy as it sounds...just ask Jonathan Swift. Well, he's dead so he probably won't answer but you get the point.

Anyhoo, there's parody everywhere, and fanfiction is the perfect place for it. Crackfic jokes certainly do write themselves sometimes. Contemplating what exactly Edward can do with his vampire speed makes me giggle. Reading someone poke fun at that idea in a story is even funnier. Don't judge me.

Twific has gotten to be so popular and with so many fics out there, it was inevitable that we start poking fun at ourselves. It's absurd in and of itself that a ficdom that's only a couple of years old already has cliché terms and phrases that are more over-used than Rob's gym socks. We all know what those clichés are, but let's run through them, shall we? Here's my top ten of lemon telling offenders:

10. ...went straight to my cock: I've never met a telepathic penis or even one that understood English so I'd betcha my last Krispy Kreme all a dude is gonna think to himself is simply 'my dick got really hard.' Don't make a penis any smarter than it really is. Not even Edward's. Yes, it has super powers but not those kinds. It also won't buy you flowers or read you poetry.

9. bobbing cock: OK, I'm picturing a rooster with its head bouncing up and down. Funny? Yes. Schmexy? Not so much.

8. popping the cock, ('p' cock for short): Please to be avoiding using so much vacuum pressure when you are making sucky that poor penis suffers centripetal force trauma. Penis says thank you. Man attached does too.

7. bundle of nerves: "Oy vey! I'm a bundle nerves right now from all this chazarai in my fanfic. What kind of schlemiel writes this?" Your 80 year old bubbie is not bringing sexy back. Just call it a clitoris.

6. twitching: Lots of things twitch in lemons. Someone ought to get the CDC on this, because there seems to be some widespread neurological contagion that's wreaking havoc on everyone's junk.

5. release: I have a law degree and this word makes me think of contract law and my cranky old professor with frizzy hair and chronic halitosis. Yeah, girl boner shrinker. Orgasm works. Personally, I love them.

4. cock milking: No comment. See picture.

3. folds: No folds. Folds are for laundry and origami. Unless you're writing about folding a towel into an origami vagina, don't go there. Actually, that would make a pretty hot lemon. Edward. Lonely. Horny. With a hand towel and a knack for making intricate napkin shapes. Mmhmm.

2. ministrations: Honestly, I don’t even know what this word means. I think even Webster gave up on it and hasn’t had it in the dictionary since Cotton Mather and the Salem witch trials—back when you’d get stoned and they would continue their stoning ministrations until you were very dead. (No jokes about ‘pebbled' flesh from the peanut gallery.)

And my number one fic lemon cliché is none other than…

1. bridal style: unless Edward broke both of Bella’s ankles when he was pushing them to either side of her head for maximum thrusterage, please don’t make him carry her ass everywhere, at least not with that phrase. You know, its connotation was cute and romantic sounding back in the day. But 10,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 uses of this thing has made it so old and fatigued, it really wants to retire to Del Boca Vista where it can lie on a pool lounger in polyester shorts and black socks pulled up to its knees.

Speaking of bridal style—I’d like to spread the word about a fic one-shot contest related to this very concept. The description of the contest is as follows:

We want the most schmaltzy, harlequin-esque lemon you can come up with. We want it hard and hot and bulging with turgid members and aching cores. So break out your favorite naked Fabio covered romance novel and scour the pages for inspiration. We want to see Edward's swollen manhood pillaging Bella's womanly depths, or Jasper's dexterous tongue laving Alice's throbbing nipples with abandon. We want throaty groans and delicate sighs and dialogue filled with saccharine sweet endearments. Tear us asunder with your protuberance, darlings. Do it. We are breathless with anticipation.

So there you have it. The top ten list of corny, overused and just plain no good. There’s a few fics out there that mercilessly abused that list. The worst are even by the same author. Public enemies numbers one through four:

Housemating Season

Apples and Oranges

The Naked Guy Upstairs

and Frenemies

I wish that writer would toss her laptop into a bathtub full of water. While she’s in it. That’ll get her twitching. And bobbing.

Are you ready party people? Cos I know I need to get my freak on. After the New Moon kiss footage, looped mp3's of said kissing smacks and groaning noises (thank you CherryCella for providing the world a soundtrack to every lemon ever written--a bit of brilliance on your part!) and HQ stills of the NM kiss...I think we're all in agreement that the word of the day is CUMSPLOSION and what better way to celebrate the spirit of your exploding lady bits than by enjoying some humorous lemonade?

My rec for this week is for a story that has the perfect balance of UST, romance, snark, angst and a wee bit of taboo. Just a teeny smidge, if you will, but it's all good because it would be a boring world indeed if things weren't a little on the naughty side...so with that, I present to you...

Bella and Edward have a really interesting dynamic here. He's ten years her senior with that much more life experience, yet she's someone who's extremely mature for her age--the type with an "old soul" who's also bright and perceptive beyond her years. Now, to add to this is Edward's somewhat stunted emotional maturity for a man of 26. What that comparative imbalance in them as individual people creates is a really clever level-playing field for them as a couple. The characterization here and how carefully it's been crafted really does demonstrate that sometimes, age really is just a number.

Now for the good part: the lemons in this thing? Yeah. Insane. The UST between these two--created by the dillemma circumstances place them--her age, his job status as her boss, etc., make the taboo and the effort to resist the taboo element of the story approximately eleventy gajillion times hotter than your average lemon when these two finally do give in to their mutual attraction.

Here's the summary:

Bella is almost 17 and begins an internship at the Clallam County District Court one summer. She's infatuated with her boss, Edward, a 26 year old attorney who drives her to and from work. The tension is there on Day 1, let's see where it will take them. Rated M. Bella/Edward.

Monday, October 26, 2009

Hey Everyone! I'm posting this on behalf of The Fandom Gives Back, a fundraiser that's being held for Alex's Lemonade Stand. Please support this worthy cause by reading their mission statement and clicking on the links below to find out what you can do to help fight childhood cancer. An online friend of mine lost a nine month old baby to leukemia, and it was the most heart wrenching, fucked up thing I've ever witnessed happen to another mother, so this is something really near and dear to me. Thanks for reading.

Dear friends, fans, and followers,

Did you know that every year over 200,000 children worldwide are diagnosed with a form of childhood cancer? We cannot ignore this shocking statistic impacting the youth of the world, and we certainly hope that you won’t either. We need your help.

Starting Nov. 15th, through Nov. 20th, you will have the opportunity to help in the fight against childhood cancer. We haven't set a monetary goal because we're firm in the belief that no matter what we set, you will surpass it.

Running this virtual stand is the biggest challenge we have ever faced – the challenge of raising awareness of just how serious the epidemic of childhood cancer is.

The money raised will go to Alex’s Lemonade Stand Foundation for Childhood Cancer, a 501(c)3 public charity, to fund childhood cancer research projects. The mission of Alex’s Lemonade Stand Foundation is to raise funds and awareness of childhood cancer causes, primarily to support research into new cures and treatments; to encourage and educate others, especially children, to raise money for childhood cancer by holding their own lemonade stands; and to expedite the process of finding new cures and treatments, and bringing them to children with cancer now.

Friday, October 23, 2009

This is an AU story with Vampward and human Bella trying to figure out how to have an intimate relationship without Edward being such a wuss and Bella being sent to the emergency room. The lemons are unbelievably hot and the sexy humor is just plain win. At the start of this little 'acclimation project,' Edward destroys one of Esme's couches while getting his first ever...chicken choking from Bella. The funniest part of this story, however, is the thoughts Edward gets bombarded with from his vamp family. I won't spoil it, but trust, it is ridiculously funny. And did I mention the lemons were off the chain? Oh and it's complete for you poorly trained h00rz who cannot wait for your release!

Here's the summary:

All told from EPOV, The Acclimation Diaries chronicles Edward’s struggles with learning control and taking things one step at a time as he acclimates to Bella sexually in preparation of their impending wedding night. Can he keep his desire in check or will his snap? Rated M. Bella/Edward.

Congrats, BooBoo--you've been cockslapped.

Have a great weekend everyone. Oh, and a BIG thank you to Julie from twilol.com for spiffing the place up for me. Is she amazing or what? This blog looks so presentable, I almost feel like I don't belong here! I love you Julie, thank you.

Monday, October 19, 2009

Who in their right mind can resist a sweet Edward? Look people, I call myself an angry badger and even I can't say 'no' to Sweetward. His charms are too irresistible. He's the smart girl's kryptonite, and he knows this.

This is an actual cross-section of a fic-reader's brain after she died of an overdose of Sweetward stories.

We all love a guy who's too good to be true. Who makes you want to drop trou in the middle of a crowded place, bend over and growl 'stick it in!' Who makes your uterus clench in anticipation. Swear to God, when cutie-pie pics of Rob hit the interwebs, you can hear ovaries exploding with eggs the world over. Sweet is SRS BSNS, people. He's a menace, really. But the gentle fog that settles over one's sense of reason and logic feels so nice...because he's so nice. Reading about him is like getting a lobotomy through your eyeballs. You'd give a shit if it didn't feel so yummy. So, the lesson for today is simple math, really. Sweetward + funny = teh dumb. Class dismissed.

Pictured above is a Rottweiler after its owner started listening to Sweetward fic on podcast.

The first story I'd like to rec is Edward Cullen: Purse Snatcher by EricasTwilight. Pursesnatcherward is sweet and more than slightly clueless which is even more adorable and squirm-worthy. Seriously, if you don't want to mix DNA with that, something is wrong with you. Go seek some sort of counseling. Anyway, Edward can snatch my purse, my panties. And yeah, snatch. He can have that too. See, logic and reason...POOF! Here's the summary:

Inspired by Kambria Rain's Bella Swan Kidnapper. Edward is dared to do something stupid by his cousin Emmett. "Yeah, but do you think we should've told him that she's the police chief's daughter?" Rated M. Edward/Bella.

Any fic where Bella clocks Edward with her huge, over-sized purse is pure magic if you ask me. When he grumbles that she must have a brick in there and then she pulls out an actual brick...come on now. You had me at 'snatch,' Edward. You had me at 'snatch.'

My next rec is for a hilarious story called How My Life Was Ruined in 14 Days by moon.witche. Bella is a girl on a mission. A mission to missionary. She's determined to lose her virginity in the most logical, well-thought way--by asking the wonderfully kind and gentlemanly Edward to get the job done. Did she not get the memo about what Sweetward does to your logic and reason? This is more important than TPS reports, Bella. This is Sweetward nookie you're trying to play games with. This isn't for amateurs. In fact, let Mama test him out a few times first. Make sure that sugar is as sweet as can be. Oh, alright, alright. He's too sweet to just give me a disco stick ride and leave it at that. Where's Doucheward when you need him? Srsly?

Here's the summary:

Bella has a plan. It’s a detailed plan for her whole life. But in her quest for perfection, she has skipped certain high school experiences. With graduation fast approaching, Bella concocts a new plan – a plan to lose her virginity. Rated M. Bella/Edward.

Bella is under some sort of misguided assumption that she could "make an appointment" to have Sweetward be all Wham, Bam, Thank you, Ma'am with her. Oh, silly Bella. Silly, silly Bella. You're quite adorable yourself with that nonsense. Did you know that? This is Sweetward's idea of his first time with you, just so you know...

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I'm AngryBadgerGirl, aka the artist formerly known as McVampy, and I've been reading and writing Twilight Fanfiction since October 2008. I'm a self-professed comedy nerd, bookworm and movie buff. I own a lot of DVDs, hate to clean and have a tramp stamp that says Bad Kitty. The thrill of my life was talking to Rob Pattinson at Comic Con in July 2009, although it would've been a bigger thrill had there been less people in the room and less clothing worn.

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