Narcissistic Observations of the World that Revolves Around Me

We all have ’em. But it alarmed me recently to realize how very, very many I have. Boy, do I. (Of course, I probably don’t feel quite as much guilt as I probably should…but whatever.) And let’s face it – don’t we all feel so much better about our own kinks when we learn what other people are up to behind closed doors?

So I’m laying it on the line. It is my hope that by clearing the air, shaking the skeletons out of the closet, I will find freedom and maybe, just maybe, some other poor soul out there will read my words and find comfort in knowing they are not alone.

KinderEggs. The chocolate tastes like crap, the toys are weird and always end up in the junk drawer or the recycling bin and they are probably responsible for at least 3% of the world’s pollution problem…but I can’t resist buying them! I think they [you know – THEY] know this and that’s why they stick ’em right next to the cash registers. I don’t know – it’s that element of ‘surprise!’ or something. Followed by the mild, low-brain-power challenge of putting together the plastic house shaped like a pumpkin or whatever that just sucks me in every time.

Cat yawns. I’m going to confess this, knowing full well that it may throw my animal-lover status into question, but since I’m committed to full disclosure, it must be told. My cat Sassy has the most enthusiastic yawns you’ve ever seen in cat-dom. When I first got her, over 13 years ago, for some reason or another, I thought it would be funny – while her eyes were closed during the yawn – to stick my finger in her mouth so that she would be surprised by it when she closed her mouth. It was pretty funny. C’mon – it was! And so it became something of a habit. I will actually skip across a room to make it to her in time if I see a yawn beginning, just to stick my finger in her mouth. I honestly think she does it on purpose. She likes it, I know she does. But I think you can probably understand the ‘guilt’ part of this sick little pleasure.

The Carpenters. Singing along with them in the car. Really loudly. I know all the lyrics. Some of them make me all thoughtful and melancholy. Of course, after the tape was discovered by a date, I did toy with the idea of sticking a Sex Pistols label over the original text, but instead I’m coming out about it. It’s very liberating.

Cheating at The Sims 2. Don’t get me wrong, EA did a great job – it’s a wicked game. But it’s a little…well….PG 13 for my tastes. I have every downloadable hack and mod there is. My Sims can have casual makeout sessions in public places, closet woohoo with random strangers and they can get knocked up as teenagers. They can get free clothes whenever they want them without ever leaving the house. I have killed all the fugly game-generated townies and other non-playables and replaced them with hot, beautiful replacement default facial templates so that they can all have gorgeous babies. I am a boolprop ADDICT (if you are, too, you will know what this means). My fingers can hit CTRL + C to access the cheat console faster than you can say ‘shooflee’. And this one is such a multi-layer guilt. There is the guilt, firstly, from wasting time playing computer games in general. Then there is the guilt from hacking up a game that the developers put so much work into. Then there is the less tangible but no less disturbing guilt from all the time I force my Sims to spend lying on the grass waiting for a satellite to fall on them or how much stargazing with the fancy telescope that I make my male Sims do, hoping for them to be abducted. I also really like watching them have nervous breakdowns. I would make such a horrible god.

Free tv on the Internet. Yes, that’s right. I’m admitting it – come and get me. The way I see it, until some website comes up with a way to prevent free tv from getting out there or they clue in and just start selling advertising to cover costs the way old-fashioned television does (duh), or else offer me every single show I want to rival the variety I can get elsewhere for free…I’m just gonna keep doing it. I like to think of myself as a partisan for the free tv movement. It’s not that I can’t afford cable. I used to have cable, actually, but had to disconnect it when I realized I knew the names of all the Carter siblings. Some pleasures just come with too much guilt to be worth it.

Well, this is by no means a complete list. I have a shitload of vices, peeps. So stay tuned for more embarrassing crap and possibly incrimating evidence in the future.

Hahahaha, would you leave your cat alone PLEASE. I have to say that on Sassy’s behalf, since she was not gifted with speech. Do you also pop balloons near babies ears to watch their startled expressions? Haha 😉

Oh, but you would be a good god. I’m sure you would totally make me that house of fudge I have been asking the current god for, but he just seems to be too busy starting wars or watching Fox News or something.