Michael Douglas says he got cancer from lickin’ poontang

Michael Douglas, who’s 68 and drank and smoked heavily for many years (he went to rehab for booze in 1992, though it’s unclear whether he still smokes), was recently asked if he thought the stage 4 throat cancer he was diagnosed with in 2010 had anything to do with his drinking and smoking. He answered no, and said it was actually from eating pussy, which is just such a @DadBoner thing to say.

“No,” he says. “No. Because, without wanting to get too specific, this particular cancer is caused by HPV [human papillomavirus], which actually comes about from cunnilingus.”

Hmm, so if that’s not too specific, what would too specific sound like? “Shit, man, I’ll level with ya: ain’t nuthin’ Ol M-Dugs likes better than a fresh French Dip with extra jus, you know what I’m sayin’? I’m 68 and I still wear my ol’ lady’s labes like a travel pillow. I gotta get in there, it’s in my blood,” he’d say, chewing a toothpick and fingering the detail on his leather vest.

From what? For a moment I think that I may have misheard.

“From cunnilingus. I mean, I did worry if the stress caused by my son’s incarceration didn’t help trigger it. But yeah, it’s a sexually transmitted disease that causes cancer.” He shrugs. “And if you have it, cunnilingus is also the best cure for it.”

I’ll give him this, he does have an effective interview strategy, where he seems to put the interviewer on the defensive, which probably keeps them from asking the probing questions. It’s kind of like giving your boss a fake excuse for taking a sick day, where you start with a graphic description of a festering carbuncle on your ass in the hopes that he’ll never ask about it again, which he surely won’t.

Around 15 types of HPV are linked to increased cancer risk, and it’s been associated with oral cancers, cervical and vaginal cancers, as well as anal and penile cancers.HPV increases cancer risk, but can’t be explictly said to have caused any particular cancers (though some variants are HPV-related and others not): just because someone with cancer also has HPV doesn’t necessarily mean they wouldn’t have got it anyway.

It’s calculated that between 25% and 35% of oral cancers are HPV-related – meaning it seems to be involved in somewhere between 1,500 to 2,000 diagnoses a year.

So, is cunnilingus inherently riskier than fellatio? While studies on sex differences aren’t entirely clear, a US study found the prevalence of HPV in the mouths of men was 10%, versus 3.6% for women. Overall, HPV-related oral cancers are most common in heterosexual men in their 40s and 50s.

Teenage girls in the UK and elsewhere are now vaccinated against HPV, which should in time both protect themselves from cervical cancers and – it’s believed but not yet been demonstrated – future partners from HPV-related oral cancers.

Evidence from Australia suggests things are working, with genital warts (a good short-term proxy) falling markedly in women and heterosexual men in the years after the introduction of a vaccine.

Douglas used HPV to exonerate smoking for his particular cancer. Unfortunately, the evidence suggests he wasn’t quite right to do so. Most people rid themselves of HPV within a few years of catching it – but smoking disrupts this process, meaning the virus remains for far longer in smokers than non-smokers, increasing their risk of HPV-related cancers of all varieties.

Smoking is also, of course, a substantial risk factor for non HPV-related oral cancers, as well as lung cancer.

Unfortunately, there doesn’t seem to be much research evidence to back up Douglas’ claim that the cure for throat cancer is still more cunnilingus. [Guardian]

You know who I bet would be willing to do some more research on this matter? You guessed it, Michael Douglas.

Anyway, long story short, cunnilingus can cause throat cancer (through HPV transmission), Michael Douglas probably didn’t get throat cancer from smoking (though it could’ve exacerbated it), and sadly, more cunnilingus is not the cure (though it probably still feels pretty good). The big takeaway here? Get vaccinated, folks. A world without cunnilingus isn’t a world worth living in. And dental dams just seem insulting.

On the one hand, you have the unanimous opinion of the medical and research communities, who tell us that the vaccine is an easy, essential way to prevent a deadly disease.

On the other hand, you have Jenny McCarthy saying the vaccine is a deadly trick inspired by space aliens from the planet Nebulon, right before she flashes her cleavage, makes a farting noise and makes out with Jim Carrey.

Okay, let’s be honest here. If somebody told you that you could spend ten years going down on Catherine Zeta-Jones, provided you didn’t mind having a couple of years of chemotherapy at the end of it — you’d think about it.