2 Ideas That Will Change The Way You Think About Romance

Research shows that how you look may matter less than how much you care.

The majority of dating advice subtly guides us away from true intimacy. With a superficial fixation on looks, games, and gimmicks, such advice sparks insecurity and encourages unkindness toward ourselves and others. But exciting research shows that there’s a wiser and more effective path to love—and it’s not about looks or games.

We would be fooling ourselves to pretend that physical attraction isn’t tremendously important in our choice of a mate. But if kindness and understanding are anywhere near as important as Buss’ research indicates, then we’ve been terribly misguided by popular advice. How many recent articles have you read that give primacy to the skills of kindness in dating? Not many, I imagine. Yet we’re deluged by pieces on building a better body, dressing better, or playing games to attract a mate. In truth, singles and dating culture frequently encourages—and then sculpts—behaviors that are the very opposite of kindness and understanding.

The search for lasting love is a central life task for most adults. Research proves, dramatically, that the quality of our spousal relationship profoundly affects the quality of our lives. Yet much of our training for finding love seems to have been developed by a team of anxious adolescents. It’s not as though physical attraction isn’t important—it’s essential for most of us. But physical attraction is a much more complex and malleable thing than we’ve been led to believe, and the role of instant physical attraction in finding lasting, healthy love has been vastly overemphasized. In fact, Arthur Aron, one of the most renowned researchers in the field of attraction and love, states that multiple lines of research strongly suggest that people who are highly attractive are no more likely to find love than people of average attractiveness.

How can we use these findings to change the way we approach dating? The key lies in the development of two essential and interconnected skills, which together form the foundation of wiser dating. The first is to develop our own qualities of kindness and understanding. The second is to become highly discriminating in our dating life, only choosing people who live by these same values. Together, these skills represent perhaps the most powerful way to change the course of our search for love.

1. Develop kindness and understanding.

When it comes to dating, we’ve been taught that cool trumps kind. This is not only misguided; it is the fast-track path to emotional pain. In an age of online meet-ups, the modern dating call has become, “Next!” We scroll through countless profiles, looking almost exclusively for photos of people who represent our exact "type." With eagle eyes, we look for immediate physical attraction, and relentlessly judge ourselves and others according to how well everyone matches a personal checklist. Why has no one told us that kindness and understanding are two of the greatest aphrodisiacs that exist? In your next dating experience, see what it’s like to practice just a bit more kindness, understanding and generosity, and see if that changes both your inner state and the actual quality of your date. Chances are great that it will.

2. Become more discriminating about these qualities in the people you date.

Many people live by principles of kindness and understanding, but are still deeply unfulfilled in their relationships. One common reason for this is that they have not learned that they have the right to require the same from a partner. If we choose to live by these principles, it is urgently important that we develop the complementary skill of discrimination. For example:

How does she treat clerks, restaurant servers, and people who are, for whatever reason, vulnerable?

How does he treat the people who matter most to you?

How much does she consider the needs of others?

Does he listen to your feelings with care and interest?

Does she have an innate generosity of spirit? (This is not the same thing as being romantically demonstrative.)

Usually, you’ll know in a relatively short period of time if your date is someone who truly cares about these qualities. If so, you’ve got something to celebrate. If not, I recommend that you protect your future and seriously consider moving on.

Consider this story:

Daphne was a 40-year-old woman who had been mostly single for almost two decades. She was healthy and very pretty. One of her core beliefs was that the more physically attractive she was, the greater her chances of finding love. And she had no problem getting dates with handsome, accomplished men. But as successful as she was on the singles scene, she was not at all successful at what mattered most to her: finding real love.

It was only when she learned to reveal her innate qualities of kindness and generosity, and to choose only those people who gave the same back, that the tenor of her dating life began to change. She feels that this change in her approach is the reason she noticed, met, and fell in love with her partner, who, after six years, continues to inspire her with his innate decency and generosity of spirit.

When we commit to these changes in our dating life, we have the opportunity to change our entire romantic future. I’ve seen it happen in my own life, and in the lives of many clients and workshop participants.

This is powerful news.

It means that the more we learn the skills of authentic intimacy, the more desirable we become. It means that those extra pounds might not matter as much as your open heart. That simply showing more warmth and interest on your next date might pay off better than all those hours spent pursuing six-pack abs. It’s no surprise that kindness, according to Aron, is the quality most likely to keep love alive in a relationship.

Practice kindness and understanding. And choose those who are doing the same. This may be the simplest path to success in your search for love. Spread the word—it’s a science-backed message that can change your future—and make your life happier.

I agree that kindness can be hugely important when MAINTAINING a relationship, and that a lack of kindness can certainly DISQUALIFY a person from dating consideration, but it certainly not how people choose romantic partners.

If you perceive a person as being exceptionally kind, you don't have to form a romantic relationship with them to reap the benefits of that kindness. In order to pursue an exclusive relationship with someone, you must desire something from that person you cannot get any other way.

The reason why modern dating articles stress the importance of physical appearance, (real or perceived) sexual prowess, status, and making the other person feel uniquely special is because those are the discriminating factors.

I read somewhere that the reason girls like bad boys is because they're decisive. Some nice guys aren't the 'take charge' kind of type, and that lack of authority can seem unappealingly woosish. However that doesn't mean a nice guy can't act like he has a pair of balls. Maybe a guy needs to cultivate kindness in order to create a loving bond, but also needs to have definite opinions and ideas about things in order to be respected enough to get a date. Of course attractiveness is likely to be a factor too. And over time, bad boys tend to mess up relationships by being mindlessly nasty on a day to day basis.

Hi Ken,
I agree with you when you say that people do want kindness and understanding in a mate (this is for both men AND women) but this is not all they want. They also want someone they are attracted to physically. Notice I said "attracted to" and not "attractive". These two terms are not the same. A man or woman can be very "attractive", but that does not mean that the person of their desire is "attracted to" them. You can be "attracted to" someone who is not considered to be universally "attractive". Think about this. The cold hard truth is that no one falls in love with your personality at first sight. There has to be chemistry there, physical attraction. Saying "all you need is kindness and understanding" is like saying "all you need is love" or "all you need to survive is chocolate". You need many things to keep a relationship afloat. You need love, you need money, you need attraction, and yes-kindness and understanding.

why do you think you don't have the chance? I know for sure everybody has the chance to find love, really everybody, we just have to open our hearts, I'm working on that because never been easy for me, the only people I attract is gays and old married man (I'm a divorced lady in the late thirties), but I realized that actually we can meet the one if we want. good luck with that.

2) Wow he said physical attraction was indeed a significant factor, so why do folks here keep negating the point to the article by stating they can't be attracted only to kindness? In the end, a last relationship most often has to be with someone who is kind and understands you, in addition to all those other things that needs to be there. Kindness and understanding has to be; all the other attributes are important, but without K and U, they are just attractions.

3) MOST IMPORTANT:
The goal needs to be not to get love, but to give love. You can survive just fine on giving; in that you'll get back all the love you need and much more.

Just be careful that the target of your love is worthy of your time and love, and if you discover they are not, move on knowing you've spread and shared what is good, and though you may feel it is wasted, just hope it is not.

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Romantic love comes from the medieval times and is based on the sacrifices a man makes in order to please and impress a woman.Men of this time were "vassals" or servants to women. Women were called "midons" which means "my lord " . To this day, men are still sacrificing for the benefit of women. Men should not have to sacrifice their own needs and wants while putting women on a pedestal. So what's the answer ? Do not pursue romantic love at all. Rather, pursue "friendship love". A relationship based on shared interests or hobbies.In friendship love, both parties are separate but equal. There is no sacrifice from either party and both are responsible for themselves. Each person drives themselves to the date and pays their own way.There is no chivalry either.Chivalry also is derived from medieval times. Romantic love and the pursuit of it,IMHO,is outdated and unfair to men.But good luck getting today's spoiled, entitled women to agree with it.

attractiveness component. Of course it's important and he states that right up front. Something you need to know though is that it is amazing how much physical attraction you can start to feel for someone that fills your emotional and intellectual needs first. And someone who is receptive and excited about your ability to do the same for them. It lets you see someone in a whole new, attractive light. Look for what lasts first... being physically attractive is transient and if the rest of it is missing, is a recipe for a doomed relationship. Yes, even if you were Brad Pitt or Angelina Jolie.

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Good luck!

For me, the kind, understanding person has to have a compatible level of intelligence as well. I am never as turned on by physical appearance as I am by intelligence, especially when found in a considerate, empathetic person. It is very rare, however.

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