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There's a bit of a story behind this fic: primarily that Vash challenged me to write Harry/Su Li smut, and I decided to give it a shot. Now, as I'm not a smut writer, I know the smut in here isn't great, but it's also not the focus of the fic. In this fic, the sex becomes a power game. Featuring a new take on Su Li (a vastly underused character) and a Harry changing because of the power he took (slightly AU, in that Harry took the Elder Wand after DH).

I left a quick review at ff.net several weeks ago, but thought I’d leave a more thorough one here, particularly since you gave me a nice, long critique for ‘The Potter Conspiracy.’

As I said before, I didn’t ‘like’ the story, but that’s no reflection on its quality. A cynical, amoral Harry who plays cruel games with his peers just isn’t to my taste.

The story does several things really well. The characterization is top notch. It was easy to feel how Harry had become jaded with power, and Su Li is one of the most memorable inventions I’ve encountered in fan fiction. She has only one word in the entire fic, but her small gestures and dark, impenetrable eyes somehow create a lasting and informative portrait of who she is and what she wants, even if it’s a little disturbing. That soft little “more” was powerful.

The pacing is excellent. Your narration slowly builds suspense, until the reader is anticipating the encounter between Harry and Su Li just as much as he is. It’s exquisite in its slowness, creating an atmosphere of impending doom that’s very hard to pull off. Very impressive on that front.

On to the criticisms.

First, it’s unclear how much time has passed between the time of the story and the final battle. Harry’s jaded sophistication would take at least a couple years to acquire, yet several times you suggest that only a few months have passed. If that’s the case, it’s implausible for Harry to have bedded Ginny, Luna, Daphne, Tracy, Susan, and numerous others. Even more so considering that he obliviates all of them after the fact and feels no remorse about it. It would take time for his personality to change so drastically.

Second, the smut needs a little more clarity. This is not primarily a smut piece, I realize, but it was nevertheless hard to visualize the events. At one point Su takes him in her mouth, and in the next instant they both seem to climax. I’m not suggesting that you include explicit details of the mechanics, but there was not enough build up or description involved.

The last criticism is more subjective. I feel compelled to dislike Harry. His counterpart in canon, though clueless, is more charming in his naivete. This Harry is not engaging in rape, exactly, but his treatment of the girls—particularly Luna, of all people, an innocent without an agenda—is heartless, cynical, and calculating. I’ve noticed that you make your protagonists unlikeable in nearly all of your fics, and I really do wonder why. I’m not suggesting that it’s a failure in characterization, as it’s obviously done on purpose, but it’s a tactic that will alienate quite a few readers.

No doubt many readers will appreciate this ‘darker’ characterization of Harry, so feel free to ignore this aspect of my response. Just be aware that many readers will not enjoy it. One of the things that makes reading fan fiction an enjoyable experience (for me, at least) is being able to sympathize with, root for, or at least care about the main characters. It’s very hard to do so here. We get a voyeuristic look at two antisocial people, but it wouldn’t bother me at all if Draco Malfoy were to burst in and kill both of them. I’d probably wish him luck.

Anyway, that’s my two cents. Take it as feedback from someone who didn’t like the story but could still admire its achievement as a well-told story. You accomplished what you set out to do admirably, and in that respect I’d give it a very strong 4/5.

I loved it, I don't really have any other fics of this pairing to compare it to, but as I think you said this could be the first one. Su Li's character was amazing, I didn't think anyone would be able to do anything with what was suppose to be Cho's prototype.

If you could write more that would be wonderful, I'd like to see the Master/Slave thing fleshed out more. 4.8/5, this is definitely Library worthy.

Well, it's not quite PWP, but the smut was kind of rote by-the-numbers stuff, other than the Orgasm Spell, which, sorry, I thought was pretty lame and made me think that Harry is the wizarding world equivalent of Smiling Bob the Enzyte Man.

Su Li was somewhat intriguing, so I was almost able to overlook her being cast in the generic role of Hot Asian Chick.

My problem with Dark!Harrys is that I want to see a reason why Harry has become a smug, self-satisfied prick.

The writing was decent, but overall, I can only rate it as "Okay" -- 3/5.

That was pschopathic tendencies right there. Fucking what the fuck, telepathic abilities and mysterious culture clashes... maybe she's silent because she just doesn't know english, but her gestures show her understanding, presumably.