Today's question is about step-parenting, which I know nothing about, so I tossed it to Deesha Philyaw (with whom I teach the Writing Through Your Divorce online workshop) . Deesha is a step-mom herself, and her children have a step-mom, so she's got the view from both sides.

Anon writes:

I have divorced from my kids dad, and we are working very hard (and so
far succeeding on the whole) to co-parent them in the style that you are
so good at modeling.

My question today is about helping my boyfriend (hate
that there is no better word for that, seems a bit juvenile to use at
age 40), who is childless and before me never envisionedhavingchildren,
figure out what his role will/can/could be my childrens' lives. Neither
he nor I have ever seen a terribly healthy step-parent relationship up
close (both our folks are still together, and the divorces we've been
spectator to have not included involved co-parents, etc etc)

This is all conceptual/information gathering at the
moment, as the kids and he have not yet met. Both he and I see us
forming a new life together and that obviously will include my children,
and he's a researcher and reader and planner (as am I), and I'd love to
be able to point him/us to books/articles/personal stories to help us
both understand the role of a stepparent when the kids already have a
super-active and involved father - i.e they don't need a surrogate dad
per se. I'd love to get us off on the right foot towards whatever that
relationship ends up looking like from the initial meeting. Any
thoughts or been-there-done-thats that your readers could share would be
most welcome.

Deesha responds:

First, kudos to both of you for being so thoughtful about this and
planning ahead. You're avoiding the trap that some well-meaning folks
find themselves in: "We love each other, so of course the kids will love
this new person, and we'll all get along swimmingly!" As with so many
things, love isn't enough. A gradual introduction can help kids adjust.
Starting with short, fun outings in public places give everyone a
chance to meet without the high pressure of, say, a holiday dinner,
someone's birthday, or a road trip.

When my ex and I separated, we agreed to give each other
the opportunity to meet anyone we were serious about, prior to that
person meeting our kids. We both did that, so when the kids told us
about meeting Mom's new friend or Dad's new friend, we were able to say
that we'd also met them. What this seems to have done is freed our kids
up to get to know these new people (who eventually became their
stepparents) without fear of betraying the other parent or feeling like
they couldn't talk about what a good time they'd had. They could also
talk about things that bothered them or feelings they were struggling
with without worrying that the things they shared would fuel some larger
gripes the adults had with each other. I gave my children permission
to get to know and like their stepmom, Sherry. I genuinely like her
myself, but even if I didn't, I wouldn't have burdened my kids with that
information.

After those initial grown-up meetings, my
then-boyfriend/now-husband C and I met up with the kids (my 2 girls and
his 2 girls) at Dave & Buster's. It was loud and fun. My kids and
C's oldest daughter spent more time engaging each other than us as
adults. His younger daughter, however, was definitely checking me out
and sizing me up, good-naturedly. It seemed she was hoping I was going
to try and "win her over" by doting and being indulgent, but instead I
was engaged without being cloying, and gave them their space. Of course
I wanted them to like me, but I didn't want them to feel pressured to
like me right away. Generally, I followed their lead. When they got to
the point where they wanted to hug me or tell me things that were
happening in their lives, I welcomed it, and I reciprocated.

My ex is a very involved father, so my kids didn't need a
surrogate dad either. My kids enjoys C's company and sense of humor. C
considers himself a resource, someone who cares for, encourages, and
supports my children, and who is a support to me as a parent. I feel
similarly about my role in his children's lives. Not a replacement
parent, but I'm there for my bonus daughters, committed to loving and
caring for them, and supporting my husband as he parents.

My kids really liked Sherry, right off the bat, when
they first met her. Or so it seemed. It turns out that my youngest,
Peyton, who was 4 or 5 at the time, was asking Sherry to take her to the
bathroom whenever they all went out to restaurants. In private, she
would say awful things to Sherry, making it clear that she didn't want
her around! So my ex had to address that with Peyton and talk about how
she felt about him having someone else in her life.

My ex and I also aimed to do more
listening than talking when it came to conversations with our children
about our new partners. We wanted to allow their relationships with our
new partners to develop in their own time and in their own ways. No
pressure from us to "like' this person or approve. However, we did
expect them to be respectful, as we would with anyone.

I think my girls are able to embrace having
stepparents because we (the adults) are all respectful of each other's
roles and boundaries. For example, Sherry is more of a shopper than I
am, so my teen daughter Taylor shops more with Sherry than she does with
me. However, I told them that I wanted to be the one who took Taylor
to buy her first heels and make-up, and it was understood.

The Fine PrintMy expertise is in helping people be who they want to be, with a specialty in how being a parent fits into everything else. I like people. I like parents. I think you're doing a fantastic job. The nitty-gritty of what you do with your kids is up to you, although I'm happy to post questions here to get data points of how you could try approaching different stages, because, let's face it, this shit is hard. As for me, I have two kids who sleep through the night and can tie their own shoes. I've been a married SAHM, a married freelance WAHM, a divorcing WOHM, a divorced WOHM, and now a WAHM again. I'm not buying the Mommy Wars and I'll come sit next to you no matter how you're feeding your kid. When in doubt, follow the money trail. And don't believe the hype.