I’d bring new fresh ideas to the Church like putting all the nuns in charge and re-instating the fun-to-say “It is right to give Him thanks and praise” and maybe swapping out the “Peace be with you” handshake for a more hygienic long-distance high-five.

I tweet a lot.

There might be a slightly different attitude towards abuse of small children if a former altar server and parent of a small child were in charge.

I like both bread and wine.

Every day of Lent would be Fat Tuesday until Easter.

When pop culture makes fun of Catholicism, instead of embarrassing us by getting all outraged I’ll say something more along the lines of “Okay, you got us, that was pretty good.”

I used to take Italian and Latin.

The Church would be much more inclusive because then when parishes have church parties we could maybe rent out a club instead of having to use the old church rectory basement again.

You may have never heard of "vodka-facials" or "fires," but chances are your kids are familiar with these dangerous trends. Here are some of the potentially deadly activities to look out for. (If they deny knowing anything about it it's a sign they're already addicted!)

Vodka facials:Teens pour a shot of vodka on their face and wait patiently for their pores to absorb the alcohol.Danger: Missing out on the homework they could be doing while they wait for the liquor to absorb.

Butt Smoking:Teens purchase cigarettes and in order to escape detection from authority figures, use their rectums to inhale and exhale smoke.Danger: Cigarettes are expensive and will do damage to teen bank accounts, plus there is a risk of cigarette burns to otherwise pristine teenage tushies.

Somersaults:The new planking. Instead of walking, driving, skateboarding or rollerblading, teens travel by performing continuous 360° flips down the street.

As you may know, I produce a literary reading series (Funny Ha-Ha, February 22!), but I’m not the only Zulkey who reads in public. My mom presents papers at her very old and fancy book club and Tuesday night I watched my dad present a piece he wrote on the American cultural history of hitchhiking through the lens of his own experience participating in this most adventurous mode of transportation.

Ladies! (Or well-glossed gentlemen.) Don't kiss the windows of your El car or bus. I'm not a medical doctor but I am pretty sure they are not the cleanest things in the world. Plus, not to mention, it's not like the CTA deserves your kisses anyway. Save them for when service markedly improves.

I’m Facebook friends with a WXRT DJ who happened to be on-air a few weeks ago when my husband and I were enjoying a quiet night to ourselves after the baby had gone to sleep. We were listening to the radio, drinking a bottle of wine and making meatballs when on a whim, I decided to Facebook-message the DJ with a request.

“Can you play some old Cake?” I asked, per Steve’s request. Steve was titillated; he had never submitted a request to a DJ before much less had it played on-air.

Sadly, it was not to be. “I'd love to, but Terri played Cake right before I got on the air, which means I am 'blocked' from them for the rest of the night,” my DJ friend wrote back. “Try me another time, for sure.”

Steve was disappointed, but I know we’ll get a request some other time. Of course, getting a radio request isn’t the same now as it was back in the old days. There was nothing preventing Steve from getting out his Cake CDs or buying some Cake on iTunes or even just listening to some from Youtube. Not too long ago (gather ‘round, children), getting a DJ to play a song for you was the only way to hear something on-demand, short of going to the music store and buying a CD. “Remind me to tell you my good DJ request story,” I told my DJ friend, and here it is.

I began running a few years ago and was quickly turned on to the training regimens of today’s interviewee, who has maintained careers in both running and writing that are impressive for their quality, output and longevity. He has contributed to Runner's World for longer than any other writer, an article by him having appeared in that publication's second issue in 1966.

Author of 36 books, including the best-selling Marathon: The Ultimate Training Guide, now in its 4th edition, Higdon also has written books on many subjects and for different age groups. His children's book, The Horse That Played Center Field, was made into an animated feature by ABC-TV. He ran eight times in the Olympic Trials and won four world masters championships. At the American Society of Journalist and Author's annual meeting in 2003, the Society gave Higdon its Career Achievement Award, the highest honor given to writer members. You can learn much more about him and his programs here.

There is a time and a place in this world for diversity, but the elevator system is not one of them.

I used to work in an office building where the elevators operated the traditional way. You press the up button, you get in the elevator and you press your floor number. Unfortunately, the elevators were incredibly slow so, like with an irritatingly out-of-sync CTA bus line, sometimes the elevators would come one at a time, slowly, and would get overcrowded, or they’d all bunch up and there would be four elevators for three people.