I didn't know where to post this but it seemed like getting and giving support seemed the most appropriate. If not, feel free to move this.

I lost my Gary on the 18th of January, approximately two weeks ago. It is still so raw and new to me. Every morning I wake up and realize that he is not here anymore and I have to go the rest of my life without him in it. Because of his health problems I had to go to his house everyday for the past couple of years to help take care of him. Now I don't know what to do with myself.

I wrote somewhere on here before about Gary. He was super morbidly obese. He weighed about 800 pounds when he died. He had many fears and phobias that kept him from going to the doctor for medical care until near the end when it was too late. I always tried to get him to have the WLS but he was always afraid he would die on the table. I would tell him he was more likely to die if he didn't have the surgery but his phobia of anything doctor or medical procedures was too great.

The week before he died he started getting worse and I moved in with him to help him day and night. His nurse practioneer (who was nothing short of an angel) would come out to see him since he wouldn't and couldn't get in to see her. He fell out of bed a lot because he only had three used mattresses piled up on top of one another and the top mattress alway slid off the pile throwing him to the floor. His last night at home when he fell, it took him two hours to get himself back in the bed. His NP came and talked him into going to the hospital because she told him he may have broken something. She told me that she was hoping they would see what shape he was in and keep him, and they did.

It was a nightmare what he went through at the hospital, especially the morning he died five days later. He had lethal sleep apnea the doctor told me and there was nothing they could do for him. They gave him morphine his first night there and he started hallucinating through the night from the lack of oxygen to his brain. The next night they gave him more morphine and he hallucinated more and it was worse. A nightmare to me. The next morphine he had crashed twice due to respiratory problems and they moved him to the step down unit next to ICU. I didn't know anything about the lethal sleep apnea at that time. Didn't even see a doctor except for the night he was admitted and when he crashed. I had to demand to see him then. The nurses were just trying to handle it. On the third night we asked for no morphine because we were thinking that must be having something to do with his hallucinating. But no it was worse. On the fourth morning a lung specialist came in and calmly told me Gary was dying from lethal sleep apnea and there was nothing they could do to help him. That all the hallucinating was oxygen not getting to his brain while he was sleeping due to the sleep apnea. The next and last night of his life was the worst thing I, as a mother, had ever had to witness. He struggled and fought all night long. He would call out for me and I would answer him that I was there. There was always about 6 - 10 nurses, etc., around him. A doctor finally came in about 3 in the morning. She wanted me to "go home and get some rest" she said because I was upsetting him. Huh? But I thought surely she wouldn't be sending me home if they thought he might die and I hadn't had any sleep since the night before he went into the hospital so I did. I told him I would be back later that morning. But he died at about 5 am and I was not with him to tell him bye and how much I loved him. :'(

Gary was an angel, and is now my angel in Heaven. He had so many fears and phobias that kept him from getting the help he so desperately needed. If he had had the surgery back when he weighed about 500 pounds he would be alive today. Everybody says that at least he isn't suffering anymore and they are right but despite all his problems I know he wanted to live. He told me so often. He wanted someone to love and to love him. He never even had a girlfriend.

I could talk of some more horrors from when he died but they are horrors I hope to get out of my mind in time. I feel such guilt that I should have done more but I think I did all I could. I was constantly trying to get him help but his fears held him back. He is now in Jesus's arms I pray and can't wait to see him as soon as I can. Thank you for listening to my grief and congrats to all of you for doing everything you can to lose the weight and win the battle against obesity. I still need to lose about 150 pounds myself but am eating non-stop to try to feed my feelings of guilt and grief. But I will get on a diet soon because I know Gary would want me to.

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"Life is not about waiting for the storms to pass...it's about learning how to dance in the rain."

Your story is so touching, Mary. I am sorry for what you had to go through and still have to endure as a result of this situation. I'm sure Gary knew from all you did to help him how much love you had for him.
I'm looking at your ticker right now and thinking that you must be such a courageous woman to be losing this much weight despite your problems. Please don't give up. Keep yourself fit, do it for yourself and Gary...
Deeply sorry once again. Time will heal your wounds.
All the best to you and your family.

Thank you so much for your courageous post. I can't imagine what it must have been like to see your child go through that. This post reminds me how even though sometimes I feel like the most unlucky person in the world and it's a constant fight with myself to lose weight and be a good person I am privileged just to be able to get out there and do something about it. *Hugs and love*

I am also at a total loss for words. All I have to offer is my prayers for you and for Gary's eternal soul. I have a grandson 26 years old who is approaching 500 lbs. Maybe, just maybe having him read your post might finally wake him up.
I cannot imagine the sorrow you are feeling, but know that you are among friends here who really care. Friends you have never met and sincerely send you our deepest condolences.

__________________My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people. ~Orson Welles

Larry, please do encourage your grandson to do something now. It was when he reached 500 pounds that I really started seeing his health slowly declining. But Gary was always too scared to do anything about it.

thirti4thirty - I just looked at my ticker and I don't know what I did to make it say I lost that much weight but unfortunately I haven't. I have lost 20 pounds since my son died but am slowly gaining it back since I started eating again.

Thank you all for your prayers and kind words.

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"Life is not about waiting for the storms to pass...it's about learning how to dance in the rain."

My heart breaks for you as well. The one thing I can offer is this... My dad was in hospice for one day before he died. We were with him that entire day. Everyone left at 9PM and said they would come back the next day. We got a phone call an hour later that he died. I have peace in my heart knowing that he knew I was there for him in the end and your story sounds similar. Maybe he left when you did to spare you. Please do not feel guilt over those hours you were not there. Feel peace in your heart for the time that you were. xo Joy

__________________FEBRUARY GOAL:

One "DOH" for every 5 lbs

MAJOR GOALS:188.6 by Dec 25th 2014 (11 months to go) I will surprise my family with this ; 150 GOAL!!! by May 2015 (16 Months to go) 3 week trip to Italy!!!Shoot I am going to Italy in May of 2015.

I am so sorry for your loss. Please rest as easy as you can, knowing that he is free now, and his body is no longer holding him back. I will send you and your son light and love today, and I personally believe that those who have gone on can still feel our love and prayers.