Obama Floats Plan to Send Gitmo Prisoners to South Side

WASHINGTON, D.C. Rebuffed by several destinations proposed as relocation sites for prisoners held at Guantanamo Bay, President Barack Obama today floated a plan under which alleged terrorists would be sent to his former neighborhood on the South Side of Chicago, home to numerous violent street gangs.

“You al Qaeda? I’m El Rukn.”

“We were frankly surprised that Kansas is balking” at a plan to move the prisoners to Fort Leavenworth,” Obama said at a news conference. “It’s a great basketball state, and I’m the first basketball president. Also, there’s not a whole lot to do there.”

Chicago’s South Side is known as the “baddest part of town” according to soft-rock gangsta-folk singer Jim Croce, who had a monster hit patronizing the area with “Bad, Bad Leroy Brown.” Liner notes to the album “Life and Times” on which the song first appeared included a helpful glossary of terms for white people to understand that “bad” can mean “good” in urban speech, just as “aloha” can mean “hello”, “good-bye” or “My sister’s coming over Sunday for dinner” in Hawaii, where Obama spent part of his youth.

Old school: The Black P Stones

Street gangs in Chicago adopt unique names and colorful clothing to distinguish themselves from other groups that they shoot at. Current popular gangs include the Almighty Popes, the Tiny Raskal Gangsters and the Archdiocese of Chicago.

“I’m rushing Chi Omega and the Maniac Latin Disciples–how about you?”

It is believed that the plan will provide employment for gang members at the same time that it ends terrorism as a threat to U.S. security. “Once we drop al Qaeda off on Stony Brook Avenue,” noted Defense Secretary Robert Gates, “we can disband the Department of Homeland Security.”