Faking an orgasm means it isn’t real (and that’s not good for your relationship or health)

The first time I ever witnessed a good impression of a fake orgasm was a movie called, “When Harry met Sally.” Most of us saw it, and most of us remember our reaction. We may have blushed especially if we were a woman, because most women watching it have faked an orgasm. The interesting part to me was men didn’t seem alarmed. They really were convinced it was the real deal, didn’t really react to the exaggerated “YES” in the movie, and no doubt had been or were currently being faked by a lover of their own. I talk to men and women about their intimacy and sex every day. I have yet to hear a man ever say he faked an orgasm. Why? There are many reasons. For one thing, most women don’t care if he has an orgasm or not. It doesn’t say anything about his technique if he does or doesn’t. However, if his woman doesn’t orgasm, the man tells himself that he is doing something incorrectly.

If a woman doesn’t orgasm, it is a reflection on her lover (sometimes). I don’t think women necessarily blame their partner, but their partners often blame themselves. Women fake orgasms because they want their partner to stop, or they may be frustrated with their partner’s skill, or they may not be in the mood to orgasm, or they may need a different type of stimulation, or they may not be able to create the right fantasy in their head (due to something their partner is doing or saying that distracts them). Or it’s thinking of your to do list sex. They may feel fat that day, they may not like how their partner smells, or they may be angry at their partner and hurt. It may be pity sex, they may be with a talker of nonsense which totally turns them off, they may be bored with the way their partner approaches them, or they may be bored with the music to which their partner insists on listening, or they may be tired. The list goes on and on why women feel the need to fake an orgasm. It isn’t honest, and it prevents a couple from improving their sex life when one of the partners fakes anything, so in my line of work I discourage faking.

When a couple who has had many fake orgasms begin not having them at all, it is like an alcoholic not relying on vino anymore…it can be scary. It means you have to be willing to talk about how you feel. Talking about how you feel about the kids or the in-laws is one thing, but talking about what you like in bed, where you like to be touched, and what sort of friction feels best is awkward. It doesn’t matter if you’ve been together five or thirty years. You may be able to write each other’s obituary, but talking about what you like sexually can make you feel like a clumsy fifteen year old.

Men are so connected with their sexuality that when they find out their partner has been faking orgasms, even if it was done to protect his feelings, he feels a sense of betrayal. He will even say, “You’ve been faking all these years?” “What else have you faked or lied about?” Who can blame him? Sex is his main way of connecting, emotionally and physically. It would be the same if a man told a woman who, “He loved only her,” but yet had a girlfriend on the side. She would no doubt feel betrayed if she found out, but is that any worse than betraying your lover by acting as if he is pleasing you when he is not? If women say, “I want my relationship to be transparent and real,” then women’s sex lives should demonstrate that as well.

When women claim their sexuality, and become an equal partner with love-making, sex becomes a more intimate relationship. Women who know what they like can help set up that atmosphere. They can teach their husbands or boyfriends what feels good for them so the sexual pleasure is experienced by both. Women who have sex are healthier and more emotionally balanced than women who don’t. Women want men to engage with them emotionally, but they forget intimacy is perhaps the best way to enhance connectedness and a sense of well-being. If you have been faking way too long, and you want a richer, deeper intimacy with your partner, these tips will help. The first step is the toughest, because there is no such thing as a little faking. You either fake….or you don’t.

Tell your partner you want to become a more engaged partner in your love-making. You needn’t tell them you have been faking orgasms, although it may help to tell them you aren’t sure what pleases you.

Try new things. Couples who are open to trying new places, music, smells, and/or positions seem to anticipate their time alone much more.

Make time. If you get careless and don’t make love-making a priority, it will become quickies every day. Quickies are highly correlated with fakers. This is mostly a time problem. Women take longer. If you block out two hours (reserve an hour and a half for a bath, dancing, and/or being close with soft talking), you will have more success at achieving a real orgasm.

The body has an incredible ability to learn. Once you have a real orgasm, the likelihood of you having another one is high.

Your partner needs feedback. When they do something RIGHT…always let them know you are delighted.

So many women in their thirties and forties tell me they have never had an orgasm. Their partners, on the other hand, are telling me how much sex they have and how much their partner enjoys their orgasms. Faking an orgasm is, not only a type of deceit to your partner, it is a disrespect of your own sexual needs. Your body has an incredible ability to help you release stress, minimize moodiness, and attain a physical/emotional connection to another. Why would anyone want to fake something so beneficial to their health? –Mary Jo Rapini

In an interesting interview with Meg Ryan, who faked the famous orgasm in “When Harry met Sally,” she said she did it by pretending she was on a roller coaster in the dropping phase. No woman hearing that interview was surprised that the fake orgasm had nothing to do with sex…..every man was surprised because as they watched it, they “knew” that’s how they made their wife feel with her orgasms. The brain, not the genitals, is the biggest sex organ. Mjo