PYONGYANG-Dear Leader to import more Swiss Chard from Basel
In an heroic speech devoted to the well-being of his beloved workers, Our Dear Leader Kim Jong-Il quashed reports by capitalist dog journalists alleging he suffers from cancer. “You all know of the health-giving properties of Swiss chard,” he roared, needing no microphone to be heard in the bleachers of the People's Stadium, “I am proof of its slimming qualities and its strength-building vitamins.” The crowd spontaneously cheered as he went on to announce an increase in the People's vegetable ration, thanks to our wise diplomats' efforts with the People's Friend, Switzerland, to increase seed imports of the vegetable, also known as “The Workers' Rump Roast” and “Fragrant Green of the Songun Revolutionary Line.”

LOWER JEROBOAM, KY-Jesus seen in Swiss chard leaf
“Praise the Lord, I almost boiled it!” cried Jewell Jo McReady, holding a large chard leaf (she had not detached its rib for separate sauteeing) up to the light. “My greens just did not grow well this year; I shoulda known it was God's plan. I bought that red Swiss chard up at the store; I ain't never tried it before, and then up pops Jesus.” She limned a shape with her fingertip, and this reporter could faintly descry a humanoid form emerging from the tracery of veins in the leaf of Beta vulgaris. “See His halo, and His little bleeding heart?”

PYONGYANG-Condemn the anti-DPRK isolate-and-stifle plans of the Swiss capitalists!
It was reported today that the faithless Swiss, the enemies of the Songun Revolution, have stolen the vegetable Beta vulgaris ssp cicla from the heroic cooperative farmers of the Peoples Democratic Islamic Republic of Iran, its land of origin. Wave the banner of socialism as our Dear Leader rights this wrong, robustly swinging baskets of Persian chard seed to be sown for the People (but denied to the clumsy diplomats who tried, but failed, to prostitute the Party to the greedy watchmakers; they will eat rice chaff and moldy spinach until they have been re-educated), so soon his healthy physique will be emulated by all!