Seeking Balance in All Things.

Tag: Mind

Life Is What You Make It

I know you’ve heard it. We’ve all heard it.

I had heard it fifty gazillion times. I had read The Secret, I had read the scriptures about the power of the tongue. I knew about speaking things that weren’t as if they were. I was (still am) a quote junkie. I had quotes taped all over our house.

Yet, even with all that knowledge floating around, even with inspirational quote overdose… for years my life remained a collection of trials, pain, suffering and lack.

I was barely keeping my head above water.

Until one day I couldn’t. I just couldn’t tread water anymore….

I began to sink. I sank and sank. Deeper and deeper.

I felt like I was living in a hole. My life consisted of going to work, then coming home to sleep. That was it. That was my life. I occasionally returned a text or call from a close friend, just so they wouldn’t send out a search party. Other than that, I was a hermit. I didn’t leave the house. That would take too much energy. On the rare occasion that I did find the energy, my anxiety was too fierce to allow me to leave the safety of my hermit shell. I became so sad. And tired. I quit going to the gym. My yoga mat, stored carefully in the corner of my bedroom, grew dusty from disuse. I stopped drawing, I stopped journaling, I stopped painting.

I stopped living.

Life was passing me by. With each day spent in my self-imposed prison, I grew more desperate. I cried. A lot. I sat in the dark in my closet, one of the only places I could silence the anxiety. I slept. And slept. Although no amount of rest or sleep was enough to combat my lack of energy.

I began to have scary thoughts. Thoughts that said if this was all that life had to offer, I wasn’t sure I wanted it. Thoughts that told me to just accept the fact that I was going to ride these repeated ups and downs forever. I was worried about finances, I was worried about what I thought my career should look like, I was worried and guilted constantly by all my many failures.

Since checking out was just not an option (I have a basketball team of kids to think about!), checking into the nearest mental health facility seemed to be where I was headed. I was at my breaking point. I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. I couldn’t stand my own self.

I am thankful that I had that though because, if I can’t stand myself…who is “I”? This question would be posed (and answered) in a book I happened upon…

Perspective Shift

One day while mindlessly scrolling through the internet I discovered a video of Eckhart Tolle. I can’t even tell you where I found it, or what he was saying, but I was intrigued. Of course, Google was the first place I headed. I read a tiny blurb about this book that Eckhart Tolle had written called Power of Now. Typically, not one to make impulse buys, I did just that. I ordered the book right then and there.

My life will never be the same. I cannot tell you what that one little action has done for my life. Eckhart Tolle led me to realize that I am not my mind. That I can control my thoughts. That I don’t have to be held prisoner. That I can be free, that I can be awake.

Do I think that one book has all the answers? No. Do I think I have it all figured out now? No.

I am still working on me…I am nowhere near where I should be, where I want to be…I do NOT have it all figured out.

But for the first time in my life I am finally seeing the power of positivity first hand. The change that comes when focus goes from the bad to the good. The awesomeness that happens when I choose to be the watcher of my thoughts and emotions.

Since this tiny revelation, of being the “watcher”, BIG changes are happening. EXCITING changes. POSITIVE changes. The grass seems greener, the sky bluer…I am able to let more just roll right off my back. I am better able to just accept what is. To lean into the discomfort and just breathe (sound familiar yogis?).

Big Dreams

I worried that I would never find a way to be a mom, and a nurse, a student and still work on pursuing my passion (building my own company). I didn’t know if that was even possible. Was I being unrealistic?

As I began to shift my perspective. I realized that everything was going to work out. I realized that my dreams are big, but could be even bigger. There are no limits on life except the ones we give ourselves! I realized that I was going to take charge of my life. I want to be limitless! I decided I would take steps every day to get me closer to my goals.

One way or the other, I was going to keep pressing forward. Being positive, being relentless in my pursuit of my purpose, watching my thoughts and emotions.

It’s Happening

Guess what guys? It’s happening!!!! Positive vibes are coming at me from everywhere! In fact, an opportunity landed in my lap just today that will bring much needed balance. An opportunity that will allow me to continue my career, my education and pursue my passion. In fact, I am sitting here, smiling like an idiot, in shock about it to be honest.

I cannot WAIT to receive more awesomeness into my life this year!!!!!!

The more I refuse to dwell on the negative, the more positive influences I welcome to my life, the more I am amazed!

My life has ALREADY changed in ways I never thought possible. Doors are opening everywhere!

It’s like the Universe is saying, “I’ve been waiting for you”.

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Confession

I’ve officially been MIA from my blog. Not because I had nothing to say, simply because I couldn’t find the words nor energy to express all the things circling around in my head. While my writing ceased, my thoughts grew. That’s how it happens. I begin going inward, getting lost in my own thoughts, lost in the worry of tomorrow and pain of yesterday. It feels as if I lack the ability to get out of my own head. I become trapped there. Fighting. Fighting through depression, fighting through sickness, fighting tiredness. I become more and more unconnected. I distance myself from friends, family, even Brent. I feel alone in my pain, alone in my depression, alone in my cerebral prison.

Unfortunately, this experience is not new to me. I have become aware of this pattern in my life. The first step is admitting you have a problem, right?

Hello, my name is Kristal. I am addicted to thought.

Cerebral Prisoner

I have become controlled by my thoughts. This has led to being anxious, depressed, hopeless…I could go on.

So now what? What do you do when your prison guard is with you 100% of the time? How do you escape?

My quest begins! I am hopeful that I will be able to break this habit. I recently learned, I am not my mind. Sounds crazy, right? It’s not. That statement alone has allowed me to climb out of the dark caverns I’ve been hiding in. It has given me freedom to live. I am not my thoughts. Instead I am the keeper of thoughts, the watcher of the mind.

The Watcher

So far, this has been quite a change. It is changing the way I look at myself. I am no longer defined by my mind. I am the watcher. I like it. Just this slight change in perception has already helped to quell my anxieties. Becoming the watcher has made me feel more at peace, more even tempered, more hopeful.

I have so far to go. My mind is not the only thing that is in desperate need of change. While hibernating in the darkness I have not been kind to my mind or body. I know that. Again…I am admitting…. As I become more and more identified with the watcher I am more aware of the need for balance. Yes, balance (there’s that word again, my favorite word for quite some time now. Balance in all things is what I’m after). I must start feeding my body what it needs. I must start moving more. I must keep myself hydrated.

Begin Again

Stoked, to see what this journey is going to teach me. Happy, that instead of becoming the definition of insanity, I am breaking those patterns in my life that aren’t working for me.

This is just the beginning. I am retraining my brain. Taking charge of my mind, which gives me charge of my life. I WILL run my life, instead of life running me.

Physically, I hurt. More of an ache, really. Waxing and waning like the tide. My hands and feet tingle when the anxiety comes. The weight of my chest increasing 10 times when the feeling is at its worst.

I am tired, so tired (even though I slept from 11am Tuesday until 8am today, Wednesday). In spite of this excessive sleep, all I want to do is go back to sleep (but even that thought brings anxiety about tomorrow).

I spent the morning drinking coffee as usual, although today, I retreated into the quiet darkness of my closet.

I close the door and quietly cry. Floods of tears soak my face, no matter how hard I try to hold them back. Even when I gather the strength to leave the safety of my closet, tears continue to escape.

My mind swirls with thoughts and emotion.

Worry. Sadness. Confusion. Anger. Defeat.

Breathe, just breathe I tell myself.

Breathe, just breathe.

The swirling madness slows. Still, I am unable to make it stop.

I go through the motions. I put one foot in front of the other.

I should eat, but I can’t. I should watch a funny movie. I should meditate. I should take a walk. I should exercise. I should…. I should…I should…

Instead, I remain frozen in my depression. I disappear into the blackness. Trapped in my own head. I feel sorry for myself. I feel stupid for the illogical thoughts that control my mind. I feel like a failure at life. I feel, and feel, and feel. I feel until the only feeling I have is numbness…. then I remember,

Breathe, just breathe.

There are five reasons, I remain. Five reasons, I keep going. Five constant reminders to…

Breathe, just breathe.

One day the world may turn its back on them. One day they may need someone in their corner. One day they may feel as alone as I have felt. As long as it is in my power, I will ensure that they are never alone (no matter the twists and turns they face, no matter their choices, no matter what).

I hug the little two, I look at pictures. I write words the five may never read. I find comfort in their goodness. Peace in their innocence. Hope in their potential.

Breathe, just breathe.

Brent stands by helpless, unable to pull me from the blackness. He can’t. No one can. I have to face it alone. Yes, it helps to have support. It is nice when someone reminds you they are there. But ultimately, when the battle is with your mind, you are the one doing the fighting.

You are the one who must continually, tirelessly, each and every day, save yourself. No one else can.

I know this will pass. I’ve been here before. Eventually the sun will shine again. Light and love always win.

Even in this knowing, today I remain cloaked in my darkness. A familiar feeling.

Today, like many other days, I am my own worst enemy. My mind and I at constant odds.

Some days I quiet my mind, no problem. Other days, like today, my mind takes control and there is little peace to be found.

On the tough days I am thankful for my five reasons. I am thankful for five reminders.

Like this:

What is Mindfulness?

Mindfulness defined by Merriam-Webster:

2: the practice of maintaining a nonjudgmental state of heightened or complete awareness of one’s thoughts, emotions, or experiences on a moment-to-moment basis; also : such a state of awareness

Ever gotten in your car, arrived somewhere, then thought, “How did I get here?”

Sat down with a bag of Milanos turned on your fav Netflix addiction, suddenly look down only to realize the bag in your lap is empty?

Found yourself, anxious, mind racing, worrying about a situation that may or may not EVER happen?

I can’t be alone here! Right?

We lose ourselves in the noise. It seems to be the norm these days. Have you ever met anyone that is just naturally mindful? Aware? I haven’t. I am sure they exist, heck maybe you are one of those people. Good for you! For the rest of us, mindfulness takes practice.

Practice Makes Perfect?

Practice? Practice mindfulness?

Yes, that’s right. Practice.

As for perfection? I really [don’t] hate to break it to you, just in case you didn’t know already… You aren’t built for perfection. None of us are! Don’t expect your meditation to be.

It can be HARD to reign in the mind. It feels unnatural to sit quietly…DOING NOTHING {GASP}. Even when I conquer the guilt, there are days my brain just won’t cooperate. Insisting on going 10,000 directions, the mind refuses to be leashed. Then, other days I have focus. I leave those meditations feeling like a BOSS, feeling like I can sit in Atlanta traffic without swearing, like I can solve world hunger (I’ll let you know if any of those happen). Ups and downs. So while I can’t promise you will suddenly find yourself sitting underneath the Bodhi tree. What I will promise is, the more you practice mindfulness, the easier it becomes.

I’ve been finding more time for me. And guess what? The more time I spend in meditation, the more I find mindfulness in my every day life. I’m becoming more and more aware of my NOW. Of this very moment. Of the breath giving life to my body. Of the sounds and smells around me. Of my thoughts and emotions.

Mindfulness brings awareness to who you TRULY are.

Who you were MEANT to be!

Where Do I Start?

Maybe you know all about meditation. Maybe you know NOTHING. Either way, mindfulness is achievable. If you can breathe (if you can’t, I’m pretty sure you have bigger problems than how to be mindful…just sayin…) you can meditate.

Connect to that life-giving breath. Really feel it. Take some deep breaths. Breathe normally. When your mind begins to wander, gently bring it back to your breathing.

That’s it. That’s meditation. That’s mindfulness. You did it!

It’s seriously that easy. You don’t have to fold yourself into a pretzel, you don’t have to become a Buddhist monk. You don’t even have to sing Om. Nope, none of that.

And you know what I love?? Mindfulness meditation can benefit EVERYONE. It makes my heart happy. It doesn’t matter how old you are, your religious affiliation, your culture, your sexual orientation, your ethnicity. None of that matters. Meditation is for everyone, mindfulness helps us all!

I don’t know about you, but in this crazy world, I need all the help I can get.

You Said There Was An App For That!

Ok, ok so the point of all my ramblings…

If you wanna dig a little deeper into this mindfulness business, or maybe you already have a meditation practice. Doesn’t matter… Either way, I made a discovery for you!!!!!

I am SO STOKED with this new app I downloaded a few weeks ago!!!! Yep, I am a weirdo. Yep, I do get excited about random things. This is one of those things.

Smiling Mind

On my quest to find some new guided meditations I found TONS of apps. Lots of them say FREE! Yay!! Right???!?!

Nope.

With most of the apps I downloaded, you got one measly meditation for free…that’s it…ONE…really!?!?!! Grrrr….Ain’t nobody got $$$ for that!!! 😉

So I was getting a little disappointed with my options…Until…

SMILING MIND 🙂

Wooohooo!!

First off let me just say, it’s completely FREE! No in-app purchases, no pay to unlock, nope, none of that! F-R-E-E, free.

Smiling Mind is a non-profit who’s goal is bringing mindfulness to ALL! This app was designed by psychologists & educators who are on a mission to bring mindfulness meditation to the Australian NATIONAL curriculum. Yes, national (A whole country full of mindful kids? Sounds Awesome!).

It is full of programs for everyone. There are categories for kids, adults, classrooms, workplaces. Whoever and wherever you are, you will find something here that fits.

There are also REMINDERS! I love reminders. (Even with them I tend to forget stuff…lots of stuff…) You can set the app up to remind you to meditate at certain times of day, or to remind you that you haven’t meditated in a certain time frame (1 day, 2 days, 1 week….it’s up to you). I’ve set mine up to remind me if I’ve gone longer than 24hrs without meditating. Although, I haven’t needed it thanks to Phoenix (he’s the youngest member of the Tribe).

Are We Going To Do Our Breathing Tonight?

I hear this EVERY night from my youngest, Phoenix. We made the app part of our bedtime routine. I love that they love to be mindful!! It has made a difference in our bedtime routine! After we do our short 5-10 minute guided meditation, the kids are relaxed, peaceful & ready to hit the hay!!! Struggle-free bedtime?? Yes, please!! Sign me up!!!

Mindfulness is helping in their everyday lives as well. They are finding ways to calm themselves, discovering emotions, making wishes, appreciating the work their bodies do for them each day. Spending those few minutes meditating at night brings us all more peace, and who doesn’t love peace?

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Confession: I AM A QUOTE JUNKIE! Seriously. I love quotes. Since I was a little girl I cannot count the number of notebooks that I have filled solely with quotes. Strange? Maybe. Truth is, I STILL DO IT!!! Yep. I do.

Some days I just need some motivation. Other days I need to know that someone else has felt the same way I am feeling. Then there are days that I just need the beauty of another’s words rolling off my lips. Ok, ok, is that a little to artsy, and weird? Maybe that is true too.

When I am down, when I am lonely, when I am emotional, when I feel lost, when I feel infinite…all of these are times that I find myself reaching for the quotes. Quotes bring me peace, motivation, new mantras, new outlooks. I just love them ok?!?!

I’ve been reading a lot on Buddha and his thoughts. His quotes are classics. I know that some of these will be familiar, but I hope that you find motivation for your mind, body and soul in # of my favorite Buddha quotes

#1

“The mind is everything. What you think you become.”

#2

#3

“In the sky, there is no distinction of east & west; people create distinctions out of their own minds & then believe them to be true.”

#4

#5

“The darkest night is ignorance.”

#6

#7

“True love is born from understanding.”

#8

#9

“If your passion does not include yourself, it is incomplete.”

#10

#11

“Even death is not to be feared by one who has lived wisely.”

#12

#13

“Your worst enemy cannot harm you as much as your own unguarded thoughts.”

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I confess I am a wannabee Yogi. I don’t practice nearly enough. I am a professional procrastinator which has taken a toll on my yoga goals. Those times that I do make it to my mat to practice, my soul is revived! Yoga is like medicine for me!

When I grow up, I want to be a 20-something tan, blonde chick living in Aruba teaching yoga & rescuing animals, okay?? Seriously, doesn’t that sound fantastic? The author of this book meets all of that criteria!!

Rachel Brathen

I discovered this bad ass Yogi through her Instagram posts. Her name is Rachel Brathen, aka – Instagram’s @yogagirl. What I love most about her is that she is full of honesty. Her Instagram posts can be quite emotional; therefore, they aren’t always pretty. She has bared her soul more than a few times to her followers. That’s what made me buy her book. That’s what this world needs more of. Raw, honest, emotion. So before I climb farther on top of my soap box, let’s talk about it…

The Book

(This cover makes me want to head on over to delta.com and book a flight to Aruba ASAP!)

While reading Yoga Girl, Rachel gives readers a deeper glimpse into her life. Openly sharing childhood tragedy, troubled teenage years, and her struggle with labels. She talks intimately about her triumphs and her failures. She shares beautiful pictures, yoga routines and even some delicious recipes!

As I stated earlier, I am a WANNABE. This chick is the real deal! No worries though, her book is written to ANYONE who gets, or wants to get, on a mat (in fact, she says so in her book dedication).

PHOTOS: Just like the book cover, the photos included within these pages are breathtaking! There are candid shots, yoga poses, and the most beautiful natural scenery! They are truly a feast for the eyes and add even more impact to the message of the book.

YOGA ROUTINES: The yoga sequences are written so that anyone can master them. They are beautifully depicted and underneath each movement is a description that when read aloud sounds just like your typical day in yoga class. “Inhale to lengthen the spine…” “Exhale to step back one foot at a time…” “Come to a standing position…” Seriously, you can just have someone read these to you while you do them and save your $15 drop-in yoga class fee for the day!

RECIPES: Rachel includes step by step instructions on how to make some of her favorites dishes! I have already tried a couple! The carrot ginger soup is YUMMO!!!! Her holistic approach to food gives you permission to enjoy eating while at the same time fueling your body with healthy nutrients!

KEEPIN’ IT REAL: I love that Rachel talks about real issues that everyone faces. Body image. Expectation. Disappointment. She is open to the fact that we are all human. We will never be perfect. We may never live up to someone else’s expectations, but she also lets the reader know, that is okay. We are all here for a purpose. We are here to live our lives in a way that produces health and happiness. We don’t have to settle for anything less.

Rachel encourages readers to shed the weights that have been holding you back. She encourages living! True living! This book is truly inspiring!!! I have read it at least three times, and each time I discover another truth to carry with me as I journey through life.

If you need a boost, a pick me up, a smile. If you are looking for direction in life. If you are searching for peace, but aren’t quite sure how to find it. This book is for you!!!!

THOUGHTS: Leave me comments. I want to hear from you! Have you read this book? What were your thoughts?

After you check out the book, head over and check out Rachel’s website oneoeight.com. It is an amazing tool with yoga videos, guided meditations, advice, recipes and so much more!!

Monkey Mind

Heard of “monkey mind”?

“Monkey mind” is a Buddhist term for a mind that is restless; confused; uncertain; irrepressible (a term I use to describe those times I am in desperate need an OFF switch in my brain, which happens to be quite OFTEN).

My monkey mind rarely takes a break, like everything, it’s worse during the night. I try to write down my thoughts and get them out of my head. No matter the effort, my Monkey mind brings hours of unrest. Incessant thoughts and sleep deprivation lead me right into the waiting arms of Depression and Anxiety.

When my Monkey mind is in control, chaos ensues. So…

I have to FLIP THE SWITCH myself. I have to CHOOSE the calm. Be present in my NOW. FEEL my body. Take heed of my breathing. In short, I have to leash the Monkey.

Let me be transparent, I have NOT been able to TAME the Monkey (striving for progress here folks, far from perfection). For now, my successes are when I am able to, if even for a short time, slip a leash on the Monkey. In order to sneak up on the Monkey Mind, slip that leash on and get a little peace, I meditate.

Meditation is the only time that the Monkey is silent. I started practicing meditation LONG, LONG ago (ok maybe not THAT long ago…I was 22 before I ever gave a second thought to meditation). My problem then was that I only used meditation as a last resort! When my brain felt like it was about to explode, when I thought I may need to sit in a padded room for the sake of me and everyone around me, only then would I sit with myself in silence.

Recently I discovered the power that comes with a regular meditation practice. It is still a struggle for me. I am working on it…. but that’s all we can do right? Work on it…

Manifest Your Reality

When I am able to keep my mind still, I am able to quiet the Depression that snarls at my soul. When my mind is quiet I am able to see that Anxiety is simply manifestation of my fears. Fears that I have allowed to take root deep in my thoughts.

“The mind is a powerful thing” …I don’t know who said it first, but I know we’ve all heard it a million times. Why is it so hard to believe that our thoughts can manifest our reality?

I do believe. I believe that the energy we release into the universe returns to us. If that is the case, it only makes sense to me that our thoughts (energies) are directly related to our reality. Wake up thinking you are going to have a crappy day…chances are you will. Wake up worrying you won’t have the money to cover the bills…. you probably won’t.

Could this be the mumbling of a crazy girl? Maybe. All I know for certain is that there are times when the Monkey runs wild and as a result I am barely able to function. I am held captive to the swirling thoughts. I am swept away in a hurricane of confusion and raw emotion. I am unable to live in the now.

When the Monkey is in control:

I worry about the future. Regret the past. Feel hopeless about the present.

When the Monkey is in control:

My mind is clouded. Sluggish.

Meet My Pals (with friends like these…)

Perhaps it is the incessant thoughts of my Monkey Mind that first introduced my ol’ friend Depression & I. I’m quite sure that they also opened the door and invited Anxiety to take up residence.

These two have been companions of mine since the age of 18. There have been times when these two and I were inseparable. There are also times that they seem to hibernate for months and I won’t hear a peep from them. So far it’s been a no go on finding ways to shake them completely. Threes company?!?

Depression and Anxiety are really shitty company to keep! They are selfish and draining, sneaky and cunning, not to mention physically painful! So many people deal with these issues, yet so many misconceptions remain.

Here are a few words for you well-meaning folk that think anxiety/depression is just an excuse to throw a pity party: Yes, I know I have SO MUCH to be thankful for! Yes, I know that the majority of things I worry about will NEVER HAPPEN. NONE of those things matter when the Monkey is in control…

Put a Leash On It

So I sneak up on the Monkey. Through meditation, setting my intentions, and maintaining awareness of my thought patterns I am able to slip a leash on my Monkey mind. I choose to run my life instead of letting the Monkey run me.

I sit in silence, breathing in, breathing out. Letting my thoughts flow over me like the tide. Good thoughts come in, I let them go. Bad thoughts come in, I let them go. There is freedom in the letting go. I am learning to let go of the things that no longer serve me (much easier said than done). I am growing stronger in my confidence of who I am. I am learning that I can create the peace I need.

I can control my life, if only I remember to keep the Monkey on a leash.