Month: November 2016

The Newry based Ann Summers shop has released a statement tonight calling for the immediate return of any of their ‘Doxy Wand Massager’ range purchased in the Newry shop this month after a series of malfunctions has caused several accidents in the greater Newry area. The £90 Doxy Wand Massager that Ann Summers says ‘features […]

Hundreds of middle aged desperate men and lonely MILF’s rejoiced this week with the news that Lacey’s are having another Christmas reunion disco it is believed. Farmers from the length and breadth of south Armagh, south Down and Louth have been given a real boost with the news that their favourite nightclub is to open […]

A deluded Newry dog owner is absolutely convinced that his 6 year-old Labrador ‘Blackie’ who shares 99.7% of his DNA with wild savaging wolves has his ‘favourite’ flavour dog food. The dog lover who also is convinced he shares a ‘deep’ and ‘meaningful’ relationship with his dog told Newry Spud: “Blackie loves his chicken and […]

The body of Lord Alan Sugar has been found behind a hay shed in Dromintee this morning prompting suggestions that he ‘fired’ local girl Gráinne McCoy on the BBC programme ‘The Apprentice’ it is believed. The multi-millionaire business tycoon was found by a passer-by this morning with a south Armagh OBE (One Behind the Ear). […]

Extra-large collection bins for the ‘Bin Ur Bra’ charity drive in the Newry area have had to be ordered due to abnormally ‘large diddies’ it has been revealed. In what is a fantastic initiative aimed at raising money for breast cancer awareness month the Southern Trust will receive £700 per tonne of used bras in […]

A Personal Trainer from Newry who posts several selfies of his muscled stomach at least 5 times a week has been found to be actually a nice fella and not a total wanker as was once thought. Stephen Harold who operates Elite Fitness is an avid motivational Facebook poster and enjoys posting semi-naked photos of […]

A Newry man has landed a massive role with leading women’s magazine ‘Play Girl’ we can reveal. Colly Johnston a part-time stripper and football manager said he is ‘overwhelmed’ and ‘joyous’ after getting the call from the American based magazine today. The Haldane & Fisher employee who travels the country at the weekends removing his […]

Newry & Armagh Sinn Féin MLA Conor Murphy’s new fitted kitchen is inspired by fallen Libyan leader Muammar Gaddafi’s kitchen we can reveal. The kitchen currently being fitted in Murphy’s Camlough villa will feature gold plated water taps, doors made from pink ivory wood sourced from the forests of Sudan and floors made from marble […]

A Newry man has been awarded with the unenvious award of taking the ‘Ugliest selfie of 2016’ we can reveal. The smug and balding beardy faced Jason O’Hanlon who friends describe as a ‘know it all arsehole’ picked up the award at a gala event in the Canal Court Hotel last night. The judging panel […]

An entrepreneurial Newry woman has started a novel new cleaning business we can reveal. Mandy Mathers has started a new ‘French Cleaning’ service where she will come to your home and clean in her kinky French maid’s uniform while you sit and have a beer. The service starts at £35 an hour and is ‘exceptional […]