Wednesday, October 6, 2010

A Story to Tell

Engaged. It was early in January of 2010 when I changed my Facebook status from "In a Relationship" to "Engaged". I was overwhelmed with emotions I never thought actually existed. It was a different kind of happy; it was over-the-top happiness. I was 23, and I was engaged. It's my ultimate dream to get married, and I never thought that it will actually happen when I am still so young. The months that followed were bliss, as I planned an October 2011 wedding. Every time I close my eyes, I saw it in my head, and it was the most beautiful scene my very creative brain visualized. But God had other plans. On May 25, our supposedly 42nd month together, more than four months after I got engaged, I got disengaged. Getting dumped was the most painful, but also the most enriching experience, I went through.

“We’re over,” was the text message I got from him when I greeted him a Happy Monthsary. I stared at my cell phone in utter disbelief. Sure, he had been spacing out for over a month already, but we were engaged. This is something I don’t want to believe. “Please,” I begged, “we’re engaged. We’re getting married next year!” I lamented on my reply and then hit the Send button. “Let me be happy,” he texted back.

I crushed right then and there. If my heart is just outside my body, people will probably see it on the floor, shattered in about a million pieces. I don’t remember how I made it through that day, but for a lot of days after that, I felt unimaginable pain. It left me clutching at my heart every time I remember what I am now -- a girl with a broken dream and an even more broken heart. There were times in the office when I try to work with tears running down my face like a never-ending waterfall. When someone called my name, I quickly wiped the tears away and pretended that things are fine. For a while, however, I felt hollowness within. It’s like someone messed up and took out my insides, and I only have my spine holding me up. A lot of times, I felt myself wanting to crumble on the floor in a heap, a heap that no one will want to pick-up.

That is where I had been wrong and where the enriching part of my experience came into play. Someone did pick me up, and He used a lot of people who helped me make sense out of my life again. It was during this time that God gave me the people I needed, and for four months, these people worked with me to put the broken pieces of my life back together again.

These are people who never left me and made sure I did not engage in self-destructive behavior like driving up to my ex-fiance’s office and smashing his car windows into pieces that will never be fixed again. I had great friends who helped me heal in the right ways. Most of the time, though, they needed to step on the brakes and tell me, “That’s not right. You’ll land in the police station,” when I tell them of my outrageous ideas. They reminded me to be a good person during those times when my pain is making me otherwise. However, there are also those who heard me out and let me say what I want to say just to get things off my chest. They let me cry as much as I wanted and needed to, and when I stopped, they always told me that they're still there, just in case I wanted to cry some more.

But, they also made it their responsibility to see me smile. They never abandoned me all throughout my ordeal. June came around, and I found myself being taken by these people to places, so I can overwrite the memories I have of my ex and I together, but they also took me to places I have never been to. They challenged my very conservative taste buds by making me eat things I refused to eat before, Vietnamese and Korean cuisine on top of everything else, as well as stuff I really don’t know existed like Spaghetti Pizza. However, on top of all the entertainment, they heard me out some more and let me pour everything my frangible little heart has been bottling up inside. They let me cry, hugged me, and made me laugh immediately after. We even celebrated my first month of being single which we dubbed as the first monthsary of no longer having monthsaries. They reminded me that this is all for the best, and that things will work out in the end; I just have to see these through.

By July, I was already going out to see places all by myself. They still took care of me and loved me, but they let me venture into the world on my own, something my ex never did as he sheltered me from anything and everything that might hurt me leaving me with no sense of self when he left me. They didn’t do that. Instead, they guided me out into the world and let me go with a promise of a safe refuge when I come back. And they were always there when I came back, ready to hear of my adventures and mishaps.

Moving forward, August was one of my most difficult months, as I found myself relapsing and all broken up once again when I fell for someone who turned out to be who I never thought he was. It was fresh pain on top of a not-yet-healed broken heart. However, a friend was there, and he brought me to his house and planned impromptu Wii parties with our other buddies when I needed a quick pick-me-up. We found ourselves staying until the crack of dawn in his house sometimes laughing over a Korean movie and them getting drunk.

It was early in September when things turned around and God let another one of my dreams fall into my lap: that chance to teach. Again, I had friend who was there for me. He brought me to my demo teaching, and when I got the job, we celebrated over Chicken Nuggets – the only food I eat from a very famous fast food restaurant. This experience had been a crazy ride with lots of twists and turns, but it turned out to be a great one because all these time God showed me that there are people in my life who will actually see the good, the bad, and the ugly with me, and each of them will stick with me through all of these.

Today, more than four months after getting disengaged, I know that I am on the way to a full recovery. God made me realize how strong I am. It’s true. One will never really know how strong he/she is until it’s the only choice left. I find myself to be more spontaneous; I don’t plan a lot anymore. Rather, I subject myself to God’s plans. My plans don’t compare to His because His always fall into the right places. I have learned to be more grateful for family and friends who are really the only people who’ll be there when everything is bleak, to see the beauty in ugly things like heartbreak, and to take better care of myself because no one else can do it the way I can. 2010 isn’t over yet. However, I am hopeful because everyday God gives me a glimpse of the light at the end of the tunnel, and each time I look forward, the glimmer gets brighter and brighter. It is then that I feel, in the deepest pits of my heart, that I will get my over-the-top happiness once again.