March 8, 2019 (log)

I have never questioned existence because I work in sales. The purpose of life is to sell things to the unwitting. Until you get that, you will be confused and you will be eating non-rotten oranges for all eternity. Is that what you want? Is that what you REALLY want?

Hi, my name is Berhardt Goats, world famous columnist on everything2 brand website. Friends call me Behr. You are friend. You love and support me. Noder meets are coming soon but I need a sponsor to come back to the aboveground world. You will need to let me stay in your home knowing everything you know about me from my award winning columns such as The Anals of History and liberalism, which both won coveted Pulizer Prizes and Hannity Awards for insightfulness.

One of the things I look for in a woman, now that we are back on the topic of me dating (a woman could sponsor me and then have me inside her in a ghostly way within the hour - think about it - once sponsored I can only sustain a semi-corporeal existence). One of the things I look for (incomplete thought above I am completing now - thus the awards and the seven figure advances on my novels) in a woman is big breasts. I love slapping them around once I trick the woman into my apartment. I'll hold a big un in one hand and slap the absolute fuck out of it with the other. Those things are so black and blue by morning you have to throw her out before you throw up. I'm serious. It is that bad.

I would like the woman to also have earnings in excess of eight figures annual. This is not negotiable but no (1) fatties, (2) poor people, (3) liberals, (4) doctors. If you qualify, contact me either here or through your dreams, which I can now penetrate.

Chopper hasn't been taking my calls because it turns out he is an atheist and therefore cannot acknowledge my continued existence as a spirit who achieved rank in Hades without disproving his theories. This is unfortunate. I thought I taught him about The Lord but apparently he wasn't listening.

In one of my lectures on modern ethics I touched up this sort of thing. It isn't ethical to not believe in The Lord. It pisses him off and you can't talk to spirits and saints and Jesus. Sad.

Still waiting for Joan Crawford, the Fuhrer, and Hansel from Hansel and Gretel to get back from advising politicians in the abovegroundworld. If you would sponsor me and let me slap the absolute crazy shit out of your monstrous tits, let me know.

The time has come. We will soon please The Lord by killing every animal and plant on the planet and covering her surface with concrete and steel. We we force people to eat each other out of pure need and not by choice. This will be the way of the future. It will please The Lord mightily if you join me in this pursuit. Swear upon The Holy Book that you will dedicate yourself 100% to this goal. Doing so will make you happy.