Friday, November 30, 2012

The last article I left you with ended with a disturbing image of Davey Suicide.

I challenge you to find a group of people with a more punchable face than this here gaggle of transvestites. You can't, it's impossible."Sweet Funky Freedom, why do you have to be such a hater? LEAVE THOSE TRANNIES ALONE!"I didn't go out and search the internetfor these douchebags. They found me by being constantly posted on Bloody-Disgusting.

I even wrote an article about these twats when I was first starting this blog back in April. The 10th Article was supposed to be a Davey Suicide rant, but I cut out that entire portion of the rant released the rest of the article, instead. The article ended up released was "5 Tools Musicians Need in Their Arsenal."

"5 Tools Musicians Need in Their Arsenal" was originally a direct response to the Davey Suicide article, "Davey Suicide’s Top 10 Clothing/Accessories Every Rock Star Needs To Own." Being a cheeky cunt, I saved the article from back in April on my computer, on the off chance I ever needed it for something. And since the Davey Suicide coverage on Bloody Disgusting kind of rustles my jimmies, I'm gonna republish the unreleased material from "5 Tools Musicians Need In Their Arsenal: Directors Cut."

For all you musicians joining me, were you able to finish reading that list without throwing up in your mouth a little? "Top 10 Clothing/Accessories Every Rock Star Needs To Own" - now there's a list that should have never existed, if ever I saw one. That title is an oxymoron. Correct me if I'm wrong, but when rock music used to actually require talent to perform, the main objective was to stand out against materialism and conformity in a state of aggressive, free-spirited rebellion, not ENDORSE IT...right?

Ok, so admittedly, they actually do acknowledge this in number 10, and maybe the list is just satire. "Being a rock star isn’t a job that comes off when you go home, it’s a lifestyle and it’s the ability to live your life, fearless and free from boundaries." Maybe they're as self-aware as Dee Snider. And Dee Snider turned out to be a pretty smart mother fucker, when it came down to it. I mean, everyone knew Frank Zappa was gonna verbally rape Tipper Gore, but no one expected Dee Snider to throw Tipper a verbal beat-down of his own that was nearly as impressive as Mr Zappas.

So maybe Davey Suicide is just fucking around. Maybe the entire band is just making a mockery of themselves in an act of rock 'n' roll rebellion and defiance. Maybe the "gaggle of trannies" look they cultivated is a mere satirical statement on the vanity of mainstream musicians.....Or maybe their music is so fucking generic and boring they need to dress up like cross-dressing assholes and generously dish out profanity in song-titles to get any recognition from the angst-ridden teenaged slackers that make up their target audience. It's like these jackasses are just pretending to be rebellious without even knowing what they're rebelling against.

To peacock and pamper ones image to maximize sales, while at the same time neglecting the artistry of the craft, that's the opposite of rock, right? Focusing on image over the music? I mean, anyone who makes a list like the above couldn't possibly have a fan-base that consisted of anything other than sheep who made a deaf purchase based on the 'attitude' of the band, right?

You're telling me that this band actually took the time out of their day to make a list of accessories they feel every 'rock star' should own? What a bunch of fucking pussies. Are you actual musicians, or fucking fashion designers?

It took time and effort to make that list. And that's time that could've been spent carelessly banging groupies. Or throwing TV sets out of windows and trashing hotel rooms. Or ingesting copious amounts of illegal drugs...for free. Or designing the website for their next album release. Or...I don't know...practicing their instruments and composing new, creative music? Trying to discover a new sound? Not just trying to catch the biggest trend wave to make money off a bunch of fucking idiots how have been conditioned to have zero taste in music since birth?

And people wonder why I'm going to have a heart attack by the age of 25 or give myself face cancer from all my hatred. As a self-employed musician (aka unemployed), I find bullshit lists like this very hard to tolerate. These douchebags are getting paid money to make fashion lists, and I can't even find work writing a single jingle for a fucking commercial?

Way to demean the art form, guys!

It is nearly physically painful for me to even acknowledge the existence of musicians who are more concerned with their image than their actual musical output.

I'll be honest here, I'm gonna reserve judgement of this bands music......because I haven't heard it. I've never listened to a single "Davey Suicide" track. The name "Davey Suicide" alone, in fact, is fucking stupid enough to keep me far away from this bands musical output. And this is coming from ME, a person who chose the stage name "Jon of the Shred."At least my name is an homage to a legendary horror film. (No, not the 2004 Zack Synder remake, you idiot, I'm talking about Romero's definitive film.) What the fuck kind of name is "Davey Suicide?" This idiot should legitimize his music by demonstrating his stage name in real life.

Call me close-minded all you want; I choose not to waste my time listening to what will likely be some shitty, generic, pandering metalcore / emocore / garbagecore. If the first impression of a band you get is "Wow, these guys look like a gayer Brokencyde," it's best to not even subject yourself to their music at all and move on. I will not lend my learned musical ears to a band more focused on their image, more focused on fitting into a niche, and more focused on making money than developing their own unique style of music.

Is that close-minded of me? To write off a band based purely on their image? Even a band that, apparently, puts a shit-ton of time into said image? Enough time to write an article about the top 10 accessories rock-stars need? In other words, a band that likely cares more about their image than making good, original music?

It's all good, hate me if you want. Call me close-minded, elitist, a music snob...whatever, bro. If you want to get aggro with me because I pointed anyone that looks like THAT probably makes shitty music, be my guest.It's fine, you probably have shitty taste and lack a sense of humor if you're offended by this blog or take it seriously, and I'm glad I pissed you off. Lets just agree to disagree - we both know your taste sucks.And believe me, no matter what hate mail I get, or disparaging remarks about my bottom teeth I'll get on Youtube, no matter how many hipster douchebags with names like "K-Dawg" leave comments on my articles, I'll still be passing on "Davey Suicides" latest magnum opus, "Generation Fuck Star." Oh wait, that's the title? I take everything I've said so far in this article back...I was wrong.

Surely a song with such an intellectually driven title would be a track so epic and divine it would not only push the limits of sonic artistry, but also expose the true meaning of life and give clarity to those lost in these trying times. "Generation Fuck Star" is surely 42 embodied through music. It is the answer to all of our questions and prayers, and the solution to all of our problems. "Generation Fuck Star" is such a potent song title you can assume the music is like distilling John Williams, Basil Poledouris, Ennio Morricone and Hans Zimmer into liquid form and injecting it into the eyelids of Dweezil Zappa and Rusty Cooley.Just kidding. The name of that track alone is, again, so fucking stupid I will likely never intentionally listen to any of their music. "Davey Suicide - Generation Fuck Star." I lost brain cells typing out that full statement. Ignorance is bliss, you say? All right, I'm on my way to bliss right now then....Davey Suicide - Generation Fuck Star

Davey Suicide - Generation Fuck Star

Davey Suicide - Generation Fuck Star

Davey Suicide - Generation Fuck Star

Davey Suicide - Generation Fuck Star

Holy fuck does that sound retarded. It's almost offensive enough for me to wish all the tranny-mothers that spawned these retards had had their tubes tied thirty years ago so I wouldn't even have to be subjected with the thought that a song called "Generation Fuck Star" actually exists. 0 for 2 on the titles, Davey.

Even if "Generation Fuck Star" featured guest appearances from Bruce Dickinson on vocals, Ritchie Blackmore on lead guitar, the ghost of Tupac, and a voice over intro from Christopher Walken, I would pass. (Plus, I still have a lot of Frank Zappa's impressive discography to finish listening to.)

As I musician, I guess I just personally get the impression a band that takes HOURS OF TIME getting ready for a photo-shoot are a bunch of limp-wristed fools who can barely write comprehensible riffs, never-mind explore uncharted musical terrain. I like the music I listen to to sound.....I don't know, whats the word I'm looking for here.....GOOD? And the musicians to have....what's that thing even the shittiest bands of the 70s, like Led Zeppelin and the Police had....that thing they ALL had at that time....TALENT! That's what it's called!

These idiots look like they wouldn't know a guitar solo if Yngwie Malmsteen and John Petrucci were cock-slapping them in their makeup caked-faces while Rusty Cooley and Joe Stump shredded awkward chromatic porn licks in the background. (Get it, a joke about shred guitarists and wanking?)"Sorry guys, the author of Twilight wasn't too keen on the additional scene you pitched. She passed on the entire transsexual vampire orgy idea...we have to cut it from the film. Maybe try forming a band? You look like pretentious knobs, you'll probably make hundreds! Maybe even thousands!"

So since everyone seems to be so fond of reading lists and making lists these days, (remember Cracked when they weren't just a list website and were a decent Mad Magazine knock-off?) I'm gonna make a list of my own...

See that, readers? That's how I originally started the "5 Tools Musicians Need in Their Arsenal" article;with that rather lengthy rant about Davey Suicide. And now, having published it for the first time and ended the article with a link to the place it was originally featured in a ironic, roundabout fashion....I feel like S.E. fucking Hinton.

"When I stepped out into the bright sunlight from the darkness of the movie house, I had only two things on my mind: Paul Newman and a ride home."

I didn't post the full article back in April, and now I'm glad I didn't, because I got to shoehorn the very first and last sentence of "The Outsiders" into this article now, in November! Because of the fact I opted not to post the Davey Suicide article when I originally wrote it, I earned some nostalgia points. Aww yea!

But seriously, I cut out all the Davey Suicide shit from the article because I figured, "No one even knows these assholes exist, why am I gonna rant about them? It'll just get them 3 or 4 more views." And I saved the article, just in case I felt the need to bring it up at a later date. Well, November 30th, 2012 seems to be the 'later date.' I couldn't stop myself after seeing their newest feature on Bloody-Disgusting.

This asshole is gonna dwell upon what fans can do to reclaim music? Really? He doesn't feel hypocritical in the least bit? One of the FIRST THINGS fans can do to reclaim music is banish shitty artists like Davey Suicide to an island somewhere with every person associated with ARK Music Factory and the ghost of Milli Vanilli and just cut them off from the rest of the world. These people make Gangnam Style sound like Tangerine Dream. Let's read what poignant thoughts Davey has on what fan can do to 'reclaim' music.

“Why is music today in the gutter waiting for rats to pass by and
take a piss on it? All of the manufacturing has gotten out of control
because labels and TV shows like American Idol and The Voice are
resorting to creating an assembly line of artists instead of letting
them create organically. The microwave generation and demand for instant
return aren’t letting bands stand a chance in this revolving door of
fair-weather glory.

Music fans can feel when something is genuine and they can
also feel when it’s created to sell. It’s the same difference between
dating a girl who is a star fucker and someone that wants to be with you
because of who you are. It’s the difference between the fan that steals
an album to be cool versus the fan that buys the album and reads
through the lyric book to memorize the words. Where do we go from here
then? I think it starts with us, the music fans. We need fans to start
supporting bands that put the ‘art’ back into ‘artist’. Bands that eat,
breathe and sleep what they do. After all, we are the future. We are
Generation Fuck Star.” – Davey Suicide

Great job, Davey Suicide.Before making that statement, you were just "Transvestite Glitter-Vampire Emocore." But now that you've posted that statement, you're "HIPSTER Transvestite Glitter-Vampire Emocore." Good going, douchebags, the only way you can tarnish your image even further at this point is if you start molesting children in public and get caught lip-synching on Saturday Night Live. Your image is so bad right now, Keytars might not be that bad of an idea. In fact, go get yourself some keytars IMMEDIATELY.

Wanna hear Jon of the Shreds thoughts on how people can "reclaim music?"

Learn how to play your fucking instruments.

Stop trying to fit in with trends and make the music you wish other bands were making.

Try to push musical boundaries and innovate your own genre instead of pigeonholing yourself to a particular market or genre.

Stop focusing on image, it doesn't mean shit.

Stop focusing on money, and create music to express yourself. All you people care about these days is making money and banging chicks. I love making money and banging chicks - but I'm not gonna pretend like I have passion for music and use it as a front to pick up chicks. That's why most people are more likely to drop a few grand on DJ equipment than picking up an instrument and actually writing new music - they're buying their respect with DJ equipment that requires little knowledge or skill to operate, as opposed to putting in years of work in learning an instrument properly. Why learn how to play an actual instrument when most girls think instruments are for old people? Pushing buttons, twisting knobs, and moving levers is WAY sexier than actual talent these days. Remember, our generation doesn't want to be challenged intellectually - they want to be intellectually challenged. Act accordingly.

Boycott assholes like Davey Suicide, not only because they are more focused on their image than their crappy music, but because they release hypocritical articles about the state of the music industry.

You know what? I still got a song I gotta finish that I'm releasing specifically on this blog. So I'm gonna stop wasting time pointing out the flaws in this shitty, horrible band, and stop wasting time on reminiscing earlier, unreleased Sweet Funky Freedom material....and I'm gonna finish that song before the end of the night. So wake me up before November ends, douchebags.

So because they are "nice guys who CAN play their instruments," I should ignore the fact they decided to whore out their dignity and supposed talent to make music dressed up as transvestites? And I shouldn't trash everyone for trying to make a living in LA? Including crystal meth dealers and STD spreading prostitutes and whores?

This isn't "Sweet Funky Freedom (Hand-Holding Delicate Spoon Session Blog)," it's "Sweet Funky Freedom (Conspiracy Humor Blog)." Take from my writing what you will, but it should be pretty obvious that you shouldn't expect a person who posts pictures depicting the Muslim prophet Muhammad in one article to then puss out when writing about hipster tranny douchebags who play crappy music two dozen articles later.

I get your point - a musicians gotta eat. Hell, if Justin Bieber asked me to play a guitar solo on one his tracks for the sum of $250,000 you best believe I'd 'sell out' in a heartbeat and use that money to further MY OWN music. I'm not trashing these guys for merely playing bland compositions in a soulless, musically bland, completely cliche corporate rock band. I'm trashing these guys for playing bland compositions in a soulless, musically bland, completely cliche corporate rock band IN DRAG.

See, I respect Dee Snider of Twisted Sister, Lou Reed, Prince, David Bowie.....all of THEM did the whole "drag" thing decades ago. But there is a huge difference between "Davey Suicide" and DAVID FUCKING BOWIE. I mean c'mon. I'm not gonna spell this shit ALL out for you, because again....this isn't "Sweet Funky Freedom (Hand Holding Delicate Spoon Session Blog)." So in short.....

It's one thing to play some notes over some rich talentless dickbags crappy, soulless music for a check, with a sly grin and tongue firmly in cheek. You are getting paid, after all, and it's just session work. But it's another thing entirely to completely embrace all aspects of your new corporate whoring in every figurative orifice of your metaphorical dignity.

Also, I don't care if the tranny is 5'5" or 6'9", just because the tranny is nearly a foot taller than me doesn't make his face any less punchable. I'd just bring a stepping stool.

You know what, Anonymous? You're right. Clearly you have read the bulk of my 147 articles on this blog, because clearly 100% of the time I'm just doing bitter rants passed off as "edgy" writing. Having seen the bulk of my material, you'll realize that my blog doesn't have any...

Clearly 100% of my site is just "bitterness" being passed off as "edginess." Because THAT'S ALL THAT IS ON THIS SITE. NOTHING ELSE. NO MUSIC. NO IMAGES. NO SATIRE. NO FAKE CONSPIRACY THEORIES. NO NONSENSICAL GIBBERISH. NO SOCIAL COMMENTARY. NO VIDEOS. NOTHING BUT BITTER EDGY BITTERNESS.

This group is terrible, but in calling all of them 'trannies', it's really insulting the transvestite community. Would you want to be lumped in with them? Shit no. - Actually this group is insulting to the entire 'alternative/gothic' community in general. It's things like this that give the terrible overall idea mainstream media and society have about it. Everything about this guy smells of 'trying to hard, look at me!'

If you're gonna carry on in a ridiculous fashion such as Davey Suicide, it's probably better to have some talent to back up the craziness. You're right though, the group is insulting to more than just trannies or the alternative/gothic community...they're insulting to music.

"This idiot should legitimize his music by demonstrating his stage name in real life."? Really? Get your facts straight before you go spewing out shit. "Suicide" is his reminder that he has control of his life, and nothing is going to stop him from where he wants to be unless he gives up or kills himself. He's really in intelligent man if you hear him talk. I got to meet him in person and he's very nice and kind hearted. "I've never listened to a single "Davey Suicide" track". Really? So you're saying they don't know how to play their instruments and are terrible at singing but yet you've never heard any of their stuff? How fucking hypocritical is that shit? I'm pretty sure people like you are the main target of his music - no he doesn't fit in with other "rock bands", but isn't that the point of not only rock but all music? For each band and artist be unique? American society has been brainwashed into conformity and when something or someone sticks out we have been trained to attack it without any knowledge of why or how it became different. Yeah sure, "angry scene kids" (society's label) listen to him, but so does a vast majority of other people do too. "Image doesn't mean shit" yet you're ripping them apart because you don't like the way they look. That's logical. I'm not saying "You better like Davey Suicide.". I'm just saying educate yourself before you speak so you don't sound like a complete idiot.

You're a year and a month late to the party, Erica, but I'll still field your grievances.

GRIEVANCE #1:"Suicide" is his reminder that he has control of his life, and nothing is going to stop him from where he wants to be unless he gives up or kills himself.

That's one of the faggiest things I've ever read in my entire life, and believe me, I've browsed sections of Literotica in youth I wouldn't read on YOUR computer now. What kind of asinine rhetoric is that? What happens if he gets hit by a bus, was that him giving up or killing himself? No, that's him getting hit by a fucking bus. You just made his band name even worse.

GRIEVANCE #2:He's really in intelligent man if you hear him talk. I got to meet him in person and he's very nice and kind hearted.

Did you mean to say, "He's really in intelligent men if you hear him talk" or "He's really an intelligent man if you hear him talk," because I'm not sure which. One would assume you put "in" by mistake and meant to put "an," but after reading your description of why this idiot landed on the band name he did, I wouldn't be surprised if you put "man" where you meant to put "men."......not that there's anything wrong with that.

As for the intelligence of Davey Suicide, I'm sure it's not that high considering his entire image is just recycled off Marilyn Manson. This band missed the nu-metal train by a decade, but even a decade ago they would have looked foolish when compared to bands like Slipknot, Mudvayne, KoRn, Linkin Park, and Limp Bizkit. If you look foolish even when compared to Fred Durst, you should make with the "Suicide" in your stage name, even if it's only your music career you end.

GRIEVANCE #3:Really? So you're saying they don't know how to play their instruments and are terrible at singing but yet you've never heard any of their stuff? How fucking hypocritical is that shit?

Did you even finish the article, or did it just go over your head entirely? Let me simplify it for you: I'm not gonna waste my time listening to a song called "Generation Fuck Star" by gaggle of transvestites who release articles on HORROR WEBSITES simultaneously about 'fashion' and 'how fans can reclaim music.' I listened to midway through a verse, and that was long enough to decide they were generic garbage.

Davey Suicide isn't for multi-instrumentalists who produce music in a home studio. Davey Suicide is for girls named Erica who get offended by satire blog articles a year late.

I regularly point out my hypocrisy in this blog, even in this article. Hypocrisy is simply a part of human nature, and I use it quite often as a device of comedy and satire throughout my writing. I get the impression, again, that you didn't finish reading the entire thing or that you didn't fully understand it.

GRIEVANCE #5I'm pretty sure people like you are the main target of his music - no he doesn't fit in with other "rock bands", but isn't that the point of not only rock but all music? For each band and artist be unique?

That's why I'm dissing these faggots in the first place, Erica. They aren't unique, they appear to be more concerned about fitting in than almost any other band I've ever seen. The 'rebellion' present within this Davey Suicide persona is arguably the phoniest, most counterfeit rebellion I have ever seen in my entire life. I would consider Davey Suicide more contrived than Lady Gaga, more artificial than Justin Beiber, more laughable than DJ Paris Hilton. David Suicide epitomizes manufactured angst.

GRIEVANCE #6American society has been brainwashed into conformity and when something or someone sticks out we have been trained to attack it without any knowledge of why or how it became different.

I take it this is the only article you've read on Sweet Funky Freedom, but needless to say, you're trying to lay that rhetoric down on the absolute worst person possible. Don't patronize me with that shit, Erica. Everyone's outcasts in their own way, and everyone conforms in their own way as well. The way Davey Suicide promotes himself is exactly like the goth kids in South Park. Give me a fucking break thinking these idiots are anything BUT corporate funded conformists.

GRIEVANCE #7Yeah sure, "angry scene kids" (society's label) listen to him, but so does a vast majority of other people do too.

I love how you put angry scene kids in parentheses, then bracket (scoiety's label) right next to it as if I wouldn't catch you invalidating the accuracy of angry scene kids as a label. Then you end the sentence incorrectly, in that the so and do cancel each other out. Drop the so or do and that sentence would have worked, but together they stand out like sentence herpes lesions.

GRIEVANCE #8"Image doesn't mean shit" yet you're ripping them apart because you don't like the way they look. That's logical.

I'm not ripping them apart because I don't like the way they look. Once again I'm not sure if you even read the entire article and just skimmed through it, or if you just didn't understand it whatsoever. I'm picking fun at Davey Suicide because of their focus on image, not the image they chose. It seems like the bands entire shtick is being 'shocking,' displaying counterfeit angst. If you actually think they're legitimately angry and nothing but wanna-be Mansons, you're kind of a fucking idiot. You say Davey Suicide is an intelligent man, well yea, he's intelligent enough to cash a paycheck marketing counterfeit rebellion in the form of shitty music to a braindead audience. That IS intelligent - he's using his musical abilities to make money. He sure as fuck isn't 'expressing himself,' because if that IS his artistic expression and it isn't some sort of elaborate joke, his artistic expressions sounds like something a grounded 14 year old girl would express.

FINAL GRIEVANCE:I'm not saying "You better like Davey Suicide.". I'm just saying educate yourself before you speak so you don't sound like a complete idiot.

How would I educate myself further? I just finished a college course on music production to supplement 7 years of self-taught recording methods. I play over a dozen instruments, have played at least 100 shows live including various festivals with huge artists, have 3 albums released online, have over 1,000 followers on soundcloud, hundreds of plays to my music every day, a band that plays paid gigs every other week. Always independent, never with the help of a record company or some forced image to fit myself into a niche. What more education do I need to talk shit about a band I'll never take seriously or listen to? Not saying my shit don't stink, but it's patronizing of you to suggest I need any further musical education to form an opinion on a band riding the corporate cock carousel.

About Me

Jon of the Shred is a gentleman, scholar, proprietor of 12 meth labs, and philanthropist. Jon's features are striking, but not conspicuously handsome, drawing almost daily comparison to Jesus. While the main focus of Jon's life is to compose / perform music, on occasion Jon types out long-winded walls of text to tickle the funny bone of all those with the attention span and twisted sense of humor requisite to enjoy his particular brand of retarded. Jon is a composer of songs, writer of rants, but is mostly harmless.