How do you feel about cockfighting? My guess is that you consider it a vile, cruel and inhumane sport that should be banned in all civilized countries. So why do we allow celebrities to date?

Don’t look so puzzled. It’s a fair comparison. There is very little difference between watching cockfights and watching celebrities interact socially.

Both occur for no better reason than for our amusement, and both usually end in bloodshed.

The public has always had a bloodthirsty attitude toward celebrity relationships, but it has been elevated in recent years from mere entertainment to a major sport.

Each day, we read newspapers and gossip magazines to check the “scores” to see who won, who lost and who is going to make us glad that we’re not celebrities.

Of course, before one is to engage in this discussion, one must accept the notion that celebrities are a high enough life form to merit this consideration.

Assuming that, then it is our moral obligation to halt this carnage. We’re better than that. I don’t believe that we think of ourselves as the kind of people who would have sat in the Roman Colosseum and decided the fate of the combatants with a thumbs-up or thumbs-down gesture.

But that’s exactly the kind of people we are if we secretly wish bad things to happen when celebrities meet.

You say that you’re not that kind of a person, but I wonder.

Perhaps we should take a little test to determine exactly what kind of a person you are. The first step to recovery is the recognition that you have a problem.

There are no right or wrong answers, except for the ones that are right or wrong.

1.When you hear of a celebrity hook-up (a gossip hound reports that a certain rising young starlet was seen smooching a certain hot young actor in the VIP room of a Manhattannightclub), do you think:

a.I’m happy for those kids.

b.What’s wrong with these people?

c.It won’t last two weeks.

2. When you hear that two celebrities have gotten engaged, do you think:

a.I’m happy for those kids.

b. What’s wrong with these people?

c.It won’t last two weeks.

3. When you hear that two celebrities are getting married, do you think:

a.I’m happy for those kids.

b. What’s wrong with these people?

c. It won’t last two weeks.

4. When you hear that two celebrities are having a child, do you think:

a.I’m happy for those kids.

b.What’s wrong with these people?

c. It won’t last two weeks.

5. When you hear that two celebrities are getting divorced, do you think:

a.I’m sad for those kids.

b.What’s wrong with these people?

c.I told you it wouldn’t last two weeks.

6. When you hear that two divorced celebrities are dating their former best friend’s spouses, do you think:

a. I’m happy for those kids.

b. What’s wrong with these people?

c.It won’t last two weeks.

7. When you hear that two divorced celebrities have broken up with their former best friend’s spouses, do you think:

a. I’m sad for those kids.

b.What’s wrong with these people?

c. I told you it wouldn’t last two weeks.

8. When you hear that two divorced celebrities have been spotted together, do you think:

a.I’m happy for those kids.

b.What’s wrong with these people?.

c.This won’t last two weeks.

9. When you hear that two divorced celebrities are getting remarried, do you think:

a. I’m happy for those kids.

b.What’s wrong with these people?

c.It won’t last two weeks.

10. When you hear that two remarried celebrities have split again, and that the tawdry details of their bitter divorce are about to go public, do you think:

a. I’m sad for those kids.

b. What’s wrong with these people?.

c. I hope this lasts more than two weeks.

***

Obviously, if you answered “a” to all of those questions, I can’t help you. You are a hopeless romantic. But you are nonetheless a willing participant in this new blood sport of celebrity-relationship-watching. Your motives may be pure, but you’re still an enabler.

However, you’re not as bad as the people who answered “c” to all the questions. Those people are a bunch of sick individuals who would feel right at home at a bullfight. These people should play rugby. I suggest that you all seek professional help.

As for those of you who answered “b” to all the questions on the test, there is nothing I can do for you. There is nothing I can say. I hate to tell you this, but it seems pretty obvious that you’re normal.

Join the Conversation

We invite you to use our commenting platform to engage in insightful conversations about issues in our community. Although we do not pre-screen comments, we reserve the right at all times to remove any information or materials that are unlawful, threatening, abusive, libelous, defamatory, obscene, vulgar, pornographic, profane, indecent or otherwise objectionable to us, and to disclose any information necessary to satisfy the law, regulation, or government request. We might permanently block any user who abuses these conditions.

If you see comments that you find offensive, please use the “Flag as Inappropriate” feature by hovering over the right side of the post, and pulling down on the arrow that appears. Or, contact our editors by emailing moderator@scng.com.