Giving Negative or Awkward Feedback to a Close Colleague

The Situation

Tony is a purchaser at a chocolate factory. For two years Jay has been both his manager and his friend. Lately, many other employees have asked Jay to tell Tony that he has bad breath. The situation has become intolerable for many, even off-putting to vendors.

What you should say: “I’m here to be for you what someone once was for me.”

When you are giving sensitive feedback, no matter how much you try to position yourself as an advocate, people tend to become defensive. It makes you question if giving the feedback is even worth it.

Why it works: Delivered in a calm and candid tone, this sentence can save a career, or life-altering moment, from becoming a decimating event with an alienating outcome by:

giving the other person a moment to brace themselves

leading by sharing a personal account of a tough feedback situation you experienced, which endorses the value of receiving and listening to criticism

instantly unifying you with the other person through your shared vulnerability

shifting them from hearing the message as disparagement to hearing it as encouragement or concern

Jay approached Tony at his desk and let him know he had some quick feedback. “Tony, I’m here to be for you what someone once was for me. You may have noticed that I take a step back when we talk. I and others have experienced, on several occasions, that your breath isn’t always the best. It could just be dehydration, but I’m concerned it could indicate something you might want to discuss with your dentist or doctor.” He handed Tony a pack of breath mints. Tony, though a bit embarrassed, smiled and thanked him. Jay shook Tony’s hand and headed back to his desk.