OPUS Mag

Jun 8 Fuck Out My Face: Boneless "Wings"

“How is a bird supposed to fly without any bones in its wings?”– Al Patron

I fashion myself to be a chickenista, a chickenologist if you will, and as my man Also dubbed me, The Chicken Guru. So it’s safe to say when we’re talking chicken, I’m your go to guy. A problem we’ve had in our community is this idea that boneless chicken “wings” exist. As I shake with rage and try to maintain my composure while typing this, it’s imperative that we understand this: THOSE BONELESS “WINGS” YOU’RE EATING AIN’T SHIT BUT SCATTERED CHICKEN ASS.

Listen to me you fucking miscreants, there’s no way you have any self-respect eating glorified chicken nuggets as an adult. If these boneless “wings” are actually wings, why don’t they ask you, “Drums or flats?” Exactly, shut up. Boneless “wings” are the middle child of chicken; like nobody cares about you bro, go work out your issues elsewhere.

Half the battle with chicken is looking at the bones on the plate, it’s like after you have sex and she’s butt naked in the wet spot, you just admire your work. So eating boneless “wings” is like masturbating, stop playing with yourself. Look at the servers face next time someone orders this bullshit; there’s nothing but DISGUST on their mug. They’re judging you and so is whoever you’re with; whether they say it or not. It’s like you’re ordering from the kids menu and hoping your “wings” come in the shape of a star or a dinosaur.

Fuck out my face with your damn chicken preferences, stupid motherfuckers and your damn boneless “wings”, you goddamn monsters. Ok, how do you dip these “wings” you have nothing to hold onto, just dipping your fingertips all in the sauce and what Gucci Mane said? “…but you can also get lost in the sauce.” You out here with no clue, no rhyme or reason and just lost all in the sauce because you want to be a Toys R Us kid. GROW THE FUCK UP.

What part of the chicken are these alleged, “wings”? If you have more than 1 answer, you fucked up out here. You out here eating chicken popcorn & poppers calling them “wings” because you have no home training or manners. You no role model having ass vagabonds. If they’re “wings”, why don’t they taste the same? Yes, I’ve made the mistake before and ordered boneless “wings” and as you can see, I’m projecting because I’m fucking infuriated.

Think about it, when you go over your girlfriend’s auntie house to cheat on her, what type of chicken does she have? When you crash a Super Bowl party you had no business at, what are you bringing with you? Matter of fact, when it’s bbq time; are you putting boneless “wings” on the grill? The chef would punch you dead in your chest and tell you get the hell on.

Y’all just out here eating chicken dick and wonder why you always have the hiccups and your stomach always queasy. There’s no such ting as boneless “wings”, put all the respect on chicken’s name. This is an issue in our community and I hope we take this as the serious public service announcement it’s meant to be. We need to post pictures of any and all chicken offenders on trees, churches and schools to keep each other alert that these chicken predators are lurking our neighborhoods. Fuck out my face boneless “wings”.

Next week I address an epidemic in our culture known as Dad Hats. How you 12 weeks behind on child support but…nvmd. Tune in next week.

Coeur Noir is an autofiction novel written by Al Patron. The title is Haitian Creole for black heart or heart of black, in reference to the traits of the main protagonist, Nikolas Daniel...who may or may not be based on Al Patron himself. A coming of age novel Coeur Noir will evoke emotional reactions ranging from but not limited to crying & laughter, all while detailing a path to greatness for Al Pa...pardon...Nikolas Daniel.