The term "Super Fan" is putting it mildly. There is not a SINGLE episode of The Bachelor/Bachelorette that I have NOT seen.

Tuesday, January 13, 2015

Aliens, and Other Red Flags...

Alright, Hare. You got us. This episode- THIS. EPISODE. was completely unlike ANYTHING we have ever seen before, in Bachelor history. What was it that Baby McKenzie said... "mind-boggled?" Cause that's what I am, right now. Still can't even wrap my head around what I just watched.

Perr uze: To whom it may concern: I mean no harm. I have no doubt that all these women are delightful, but if you voluntarily subject yourself to the editors of national television, you’re subjecting yourself to Grace’s commentary. And pretty much anything that's funny on here can be credited to a one Lincee Ray, my Bachelor Blogging Idol. (Yes I did just say those three words and no, I will not be taking them back...)

We open by observing something that we have NEVER seen in Bachelor history. (a superlative that Hare neglected to mention) and that is: we are witnessing The Morning After on The Bachelor right now, for the first time EVER. I don’t remember seeing dawn on this show since Lorenzo Borghese. (yes, the Italian “prince” who has a cosmetic line for pets…) But it is, in fact, morning at the Bachelor mansion and the girls have decided to make DrunkAsASkunk Tara (UMiami Graduate, BY THE WAY. #GotSomeCanesOverHere) feel at home on the floor and they've all taken a seat, as Prince Farming steps outside with Kimberly for a chit chat. Yes, Kimberly was a girl that was straight-up rejected with the lack of a rose, but she's decided to "steal him away." Her timing is questionable.

Kimberly takes Farming outside and whimpers, "What are you thinking?" We all know that he's thinking, "I wanna be horizontal right now. And not that kind of horizontal. Put those Golden Globes away, Kimberly!"

The girls are inside stewing about what she could POSSIBLY want, and they insist that she got no rose, so she has to walk. Living Room Peanut Gallery member Carolyn heard this and was shaking her head as she muttered, “If you haven’t learned by now that THERE ARE NO RULES...” Ah, and whaddaya know: Hare later affirmed this with his words to Chris, “This is your life. There are no rules.” Blah blah blah Kimberly asks Chris for another chance (another unprecedented move) and he relents, because let's face it: he's too much of a simpleton to have the clout to refuse.

Jillian tried to be funny and tell us that she was protesting with the slow clap, but let's instead clap it up for last season's Pantsapreneur JJ, who boldly declared that he was tired of cheering on other guys. Clearly this process is still new and fresh for the girls and they (unlike JJ) can be bothered with niceties, so their response to Kimberly's return is... applause.

The producers are clearly worried that there might not be enough tomfoolery and sneaking around this season, so Hare took great pains to inform the girls that Farming will be staying a mere stone's throw away, and that a) it's not illegal to take advantage of time with him and b) IT IS ENCOURAGED, because... oh, something about how "Every second counts," I'd honestly dug into my second bowl of pasta, at this point...

I mean, I can hardly protest the premise of this show because I am such a deeply devoted fan, but this episode is SOARING to new heights in its misogyny. Oh look, girls: we'll have a pool party! Then we'll keep you in your bikinis as we stroll down the streets of downtown Los Angeles to a line of tractors, vehicles that move so slowly that there is little else for us to do but ogle your bodies. GREAT.

Our Living Room Peanut Gallery first smelled a rat when we noticed that Kimberly was still in her bikini, on the sidewalk, as she did her interview. A bimbo that has neglected to re-clothe herself, post pool party? Great things are in store. Tara also provides great foreshadowing for the tractor race: “I know what he means by ‘show me your country’ and he’s gonna see it.”

What if I don't wanna see Tara's "country?"

I'm sorry... Is driving a tractor hard? Is there a skill to it? Clearly one of the Bachelor interns has a last name Deere, and was trying to suck up to the boss (Jacob) by announcing, "Yeah, I can totally hook us up with six free tractors!"

The tractor race was boring. Farming's reenactment of all things "slow" was boring. Anyone remember The Prince and Me? Give me THAT tractor race...

Chris sums the whole thing up with a non-sentence: “Lucky, this dude… two thumbs, right here…” I haven't heard a thought so fragmented since my tenth grade Latin translation homework...

We knew that either DrunkAsASkunkTara or Jersey (aka the un-Crazy Ashley) were going to win the tractor race, and in a not-so-shocking turn of events, Jersey won. She got alone time with Farming.We didn’t really see any of his conversation in the subsequent alone time with her, which doesn’t bode well for Farming’s skill at conversation… (Think about it: usually at this point the Bachelor or Bachelorette is asking about previous relationships, etc... We see Farming as NONE of this. Good thing he has a cropping of well-seasoned pros, who are ready to lay it all on the table, anyway. Do you see what I just did there with "cropping" and "seasoned?" I'm here all week, folks...)

In an interesting turn, Farming picks Baby McKenzie for the extended one-on-one time. Quick reminder for our friends at home: she is 21. TWENTY. ONE. She's drinking a beer on this date which she's only been legally allowed to do for several months, at this point.

IT'S PAST YOUR BEDTIME, BABY MAC.

And then we get into some REALLY weird territory. First of all, anyone remember the dude on Jillian Harris's season who had a foot fetish?

I don't want to call myself a savant, but for some reason, I was actually thinking of this fellow, Tanner, this weekend... NOW I KNOW WHY. It was a foreshadowing of what was to come: Baby Mac likes big noses. Having a big schnoz myself, I'm not opposed to one's observation of a big nose. (Speaking of observation: the ONLY reason we'll give Baby Mac ANY points is for noticing Chris's earring hole.) My father used to console me by saying "in ancient Roman times, a large nose was a sign of aristocracy..."

Does this look like Ancient Rome to you?

Let's talk about their conversation:
Baby Mac: “Have you ever been to LA?”
Chris: “Not since last season…”

For our hearing impaired friends: Farming said that with a completely straight face. When I say the man doesn't have a sense of humor, I mean he cannot make sense of it. He is too simple.

Baby Mac: do you believe in aliens?
Grace: Noooooo
Carolyn: YES. I am LOVING where this conversation is going...
Johnny: There are clearly NO crop circles on Chris’s farm…

Which brings us to the award-winning quote of the night:
“The fact that she’s talking about aliens on a first date is a red flag for me…”

Chris thinks it’s really cute for Mac to talk about her son… (Probably because it means she isn’t talking about aliens anymore…) So cute, in fact, that he states, "I'm 33. Kids don't scare me."

Let the record show: BABY MAC IS TWELVE YEARS HIS JUNIOR. When he is 80, she will be 68. She will be in her sixties when he is in his eighties, just so we're clear.

He gave her the rose. I honestly don't think he has it in him NOT to give out a date rose. I just don't think he can do it. He's giving me Season One Brad Womack. (not to be confused with season 2 Brad Womack)

Ugh, their dancing, nooooooooooo... He went in for the kiss... McKenzie later gave the girls a play-by-play, as though she were re-hashing prom night.

Helium Whitney chuckled and gives Baby Mac a verbal pat on the head as she remarked "So McKenzie literally counted the kisses. Like, this was the second, and the third, and the fourth..." OH LIKE YOU WOULDN'T, WHITNEY. Whit would like to think that her kisses with Chris will outnumber the grains of sand on the seashore, but I have NO doubt that she'll have a kiss log in that journal of hers...

This interjection of Megan and Jillian sneaking into Farmer's house... Lezzbe real: they were trashed. The editors had a lot of fun with that one, as our (newly promoted) assistant editor Jacob pulled footage of Megan ramming her helmet-clad head into EVERYTHING from forty five different cameras, so they had PLENTY of shots to prove Chris's safety (and perhaps Megan's lack thereof) Am I supposed to say anything about Jillian's lady parts? It's not like she was wearing that piece (or again... lack thereof) to get attention, because no one saw her but Megan. It wasn't for Chris's sake, and now her parents have to go to work the next day, knowing that everyone saw a blacked-out box over their daughter's baby-maker...

And let's not forget Jordan’s remarks about Jillian’s personal hygiene…
About this, I say...

I can’t. I full-on, Middle American White girl JUST CAN’T.

Carolyn: How does she even know that the girl needs a razor?
Johnny: Because her skivvies had to be censored! THERE WAS A BLACK BOX OVER HER HOO-HA.
I have nothing more to say.

We see that Juelia (Really, Juelia's parents? You HAD to spell it that way?) has a STORY… (sorry Jules, nobody can top Emily Maynard on Deceased Spousal Stories) and it dawns on us that it might be a little too soon for her to be looking for love, as she is talking about it all and BAWLING. Who is this girl that is asking her the questions about it? I swear I haven't seen her before. Samantha (another chick I don't recognize)

thinks that she is "really brave for being here." While Grace things that she "hasn't had enough therapy to be here." Ohhhh and look at that: Juelia caps it all off with “I need time to tell him… so don’t steal him away, ok?”

One on One date: Megan: “Love is a natural wonder”

I have limited things to say about this date:
1) I've done the Grand Canyon:

True life: Big Daddy took a selfie before selfies were even a thing:

And by "done the Grand Canyon," I mean "hiked to the bottom. Spent the night. Hiked back out." So to watch these two hop in a private jet to get to a helicopter to fly them down to the Colorado river, I say:

GET ON MY LEVEL, FARMING.

2) Megan said (I kid you not) "This is the most amazing day of my life.” I don't know if I should applaud her for having such low expectations, or shame her for having such low standards...
3) If I got a dollar for every time that girls spoke about “I can’t believe I’m HERE” I'd have more money in the bank than Farming has corn in his fields.
4) Farming just… doesn’t have a lot to say. I have heard him as ZERO personal questions. None. I'm pretty sure the only thing he asked Megan was to elaborate on the "this all happened so fast." remark.
5) Megan DOES have pretty eyes.
6) Out of boredom, my thoughts begin to wonder: Is it just me, or was the last person to hold out on a first date kiss One F Jef, from Emily Maynard’s season? Oh wait… I forgot about Mama Rene…

Carolyn: If this is a haunted house, I will be so mad. This is literally my dream. Where is this place? Let's go.

As the zombies approach the limo, it now it becomes a mad dash to see who can cry the hardest about the zombies, to see who can get the most attention from Chris. As they step out of the limo and he explains where this is going, I can feel the fetal position coming on... Didn't ANYONE realize what this date was asking for??? Did Jacob set up this whole thing so they would realize how lost they are without him as an intern? (Because you KNOW he learned plenty of Emergency Room lingo with Tierra, Brooks, MANY others whose names are escaping me, currently...)

Hellooooo ER visit...

As they sat down, post-zombie warfare, Chris delivered the Yuk Yuk* line of the night: “You guys really killed it today…”

No Yuk-yuk zone.

Sorry to pick apart everything ever about Chris, but lezzbe honest: the problem wasn't with his joke, (It wasn't his, in the first place) It was the delivery. It was the smile on his face that INFORMED the ladies that he had, in fact, tried to tell a joke, AND the same smile that was SEEKING a reaction of approval.

A SIMPLETON, I TELL YOU!

And now let us discuss all that is... Ashley.

Farming said it well, “Ashley has moments of saying really intelligent things, but then it kind of drifts off into something I don’t understand…”

Here's my only problem: Her story doesn't add up. WHY don't we see the middle of these conversations? Her convo with Chris when she interrupted his interview. Her walking through the cloud of smoke on the zombie battle field. Her asking about whether or not she could shoot other people. Her talking to the cat....
DON'T call me Sarah Koenig of This American Life (ok, do) but we are DEFINITELY missing some pieces to the puzzle, here.

Don't get me wrong: girl seems certifiable. But what happened when she interrupted Farming's interview? We only saw the beginning and the end. What about walking through the cloud of smoke? Was she trying to get to something on the other side? When she asked if she could shoot other people, we never saw any of the answers register with her, which leads us to think she's crazy. But in general human conversation, someone asks a question, the question is answered, and then the inquisitor ACKNOWLEDGES the response. We are seeing zero acknowledgement from Ashley. Which, sure, is a real thing (or lack thereof) in crazy people. However, the lack thereof that we are seeing from Ashley is a reality that is being manipulated by very skilled editors. Could it be that we're not getting the full story?

As Director of Communications, I feel the need to remark on the flagrant lack thereof. (Ok, my business card doesn't say "Director of Communications," but when I'm at my house, I can CERTAINLY fill that role) Remember how Ashley walked up to the group of girls and said "BOOM. That's how I feel, right now," and they showed Britt looking all confused? I believe that Ashley was trying to remark that she felt out of sorts, like she was "coming out of nowhere,"

I don't know anyone that DOESN'T like Farming and Britt together… She chose to whine about the fact that she didn't get a rose, but Hellooooo Britt: he gave you a card for safety. You need no rose.

Rose went to Kaitlyn aka Miley Cyrus, who is still one of my favorites.

Rose Ceremony (aka Virgin Sacrifice)

Thoughts:

- Farming walks in and says, “What is it about this room that makes it so I can’t wipe the smile off my face?”
THAT is the best he can do. that is the only way he can think of to say "I get really turned on when I walk into a room full of women in short skirts..."

- Oh Helium Whitney… I’m undecided about you… I think, for the moment, I will say: I would like you to lead my Bible Study…

- Soooooo un-crazy Ashley's virginity...

Let's start with Baby Mac's freakout: “You’re super pretty, you’re intelligent and you’re a virgin… oh my gosh.” Followed by her "I can't even PRETEND to play that card cause I have a kid!"

So Ashley's a virgin… but she has a magic lamp in her belly button… that he has to rub… to get one of his three wishes to come true…

I have little else to say except: the only thing that is in favor of her supposed virginity right now is that she is SO insecure about said virginity that she's making up for it by coming off as hypersexual. And has maybe never kissed a guy in her life and thinks it's somehow appropriate to straddle him, when you do finally kiss him...

- And finally, Kaitlyn on Jordan: “I don’t think Chris has seen Jordan in her state… that she’s in…”
I mean, it's killing me. Which one is less stable, CrazyAshley or Jordan?
I CAN'T DECIDE!!

Which one???!

- When Jillian fell, on her way to accept a rose that wasn't for her… This is the first time I’ve felt for her…(the only time)

- This is also the only time I think I've been able to name all the rejects on episode two. There are still girls IN the house whose names I don't know, but for this week:
- Kimberly (double rejection. Ouch.)
- Tara (Go 'Canes. It's all about the U)
- Tandra (did she ride that motorcycle all the way home?)
- Alyssa ((please keep all hands and feet inside the vehicle when exiting the Bachelor Mansion)
- Jordan (who will find PLENTY of consolation at the airport bar, rest assured...)

*Lest anyone be confused about the definition of a yuk yuk joke, it is a joke after which one makes the "yuk yuk" noise, as they chortle to themselves. Sean's Dad pulling a fried armadillo out of the oven on Emily's hometown date with him constitutes a yuk yuk joke.