Thursday, July 19, 2012

Shit Dumb Ass Straight Dudes Say: Which One Of You Is the Woman?

Anyone that has grown up gay or been around gay men or have a gay friend or seen some bad 80s gay flick has heard the line, "So, which one of you is the women?" Usually spoken by some jackass of a straight man to a gay couple, and often times followed by a bashing of some sort.

Honestly, while I know that I have heard that question before, I believe the last time I heard someone ask that question, seriously, was sometime around 1996. In this post-Ellen, post-Will and Grace, Every-Show-Has-A-Gay-Sidekick era, I thought, maybe, perhaps, we'd at LEAST gotten far enough along that at LEAST any URBAN dwelling dumb-straight-man would know better.

Apparently not. Yesterday, there was a thread on my Facebook page that was started about an over the top hot Latino FedEx dude I passed on the street. As my Facebook page is wont to do, the topic quickly filled up with sexual innuendo (this time started by my boyfriend, ahem, Nicolas!). This kid with whom I attended high school, Jack, decides to chime in not really knowing what's going on. So I said, Jack, we are using gay sex innuendo.

Jack replies, "What happened to women?" And then he says, "So, which one of you is the woman, Brandon or Nicolas."

Did you hear that sound? Did you? It was the sound of the lock turning in the library door.

OPEN! READING IS FREE!

There were a couple of comments interspersed with his before I could get to chapter one, so I decided to make this a short story.

I said, "Jack, you should be lucky that I don't want women, because, frankly, I would take yours." And to his response asking which of us, Nico or I, happened to be the woman, I responded.

"Nico is all man. I am a man. If you are asking who is the bottom and who is top, why don't you come over and I'll show you. Make sure to be well lubed as I am not known for being gentle."

It was sometime after that when Jack de-friended me.

Child please.

Lets be clear for a minute, revisit some fundamentals, since we are reading, while I know some gay men that are in relationships with women....when two men that identify as men enter into a relationship with one another...neither of them is "the women." The connotation being which of you is submissive, passive, gives up power, submits, serves, etc....and not in the fierce S/M and B/D Leather Community empowered submission way but in that misogynist fucked up barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen sort of way.

Plus, I've said it once. I've said it twice. Bottoms have all the power. Lord knows I will do just about anything to get into some good booty. And an excellent bottom can get me to walk on water to get to that ass.

Though once I get a hold of said bottom.....it's ON!

There you have it, Jack. I am a man. I am fairly certain I outweigh and could drop you if necessary....and the next time you decide to show up in all your misogynistic, heterosexist, and homophobic glory in someone's life...please be sure 1) that they can't choke you out with little effort, 2) aren't fiercer than you are, and 3) don't have access to a blog with 60,000 readers a year and won't put you on blast.

The end.

PS An addendum I think power is shared, but I'm just saying a good bottom....will be worshiped...FILTER BRANDON FILTER!

5 comments:

HAHAHA. Brandon, this is a great post from top to bottom (hehe), although I'm not sure I'd agree that bottoms have ALL the power. You know a great top can make me beg for it too.... yes, I have a greedy ass. You reminded me of a funny and endearing story too that I'm going to tell you quickly.Five years ago, upon coming out to her, my grandma leaned in and whispered to me, "so, you know I watch that Rosie. So I just need to know which one is that man and which one is the woman?" Mom and grandpa ensued to freak out and explain how rude and inappropriate it was. Mom even said we are both men. But from my perspective, I found it completely endearing and sweet. As a 74 year old woman, she was trying to relate to something she didn't understand through a worldview that made sense to her and through a person she had laughed with. It had nothing to do with sex, probably a lot to do with power, but much more to do with laying the first stone towards bridging a gap. So my reply was, "well, grandma who do you think is the man?" Grandma replied with a smirk and a giggle, "he is isn't he."Thanks for that grandma... Although she made me stroke my wounded pride after reading me so quickly, I will never forget her openness to loving me and approaching something she never (knowingly) faced in 74 years of life. BLC you're the best. Love you.

OMG! That is an awesome story. Totally elders get a pass. My Grandpa used to ask me, "How's my little girl." He never meant anything but pure love by that question and it was how his mind was able to place me, acknowledge the difference, and still love me for it.

And yeah, bottoms don't have ALL the power ;-). But a lot of it. Even when certain folks we know beg...if I don't give in within an appropriate amount of time...I pay for it later....bottoms are EVIL! Love you too ;-). But you knew that. xoxox

And, ps, I use the terms top and bottom loosely. While I generally top...I can take it like the best of 'em and love it the entire time. Boooya! But if you are going to top ME you had better know what you are doing and be able to handle it. I come correct...and you aint cuming unless you do as well.

My Feet Only Walk Forward

A Bit Of Me in Ones and Zeroes

Named February 2011's Bad-Ass Feminist of the Month by NotYourAverageFeminist.com, BLC is also a poet, playwright, journalist,amateur chef and life commentator doing his bit to put his foot in the asses of the regressive masses, while putting filling and nutritious food on plates of folks that ain't got much and deserve better. And, thank you to MyLatinVoice.Com which named me the #2 Queer Latin@ Blogger on the web for my blog My Feet Only Walk Forward: www.myfeetonlywalkforward.blogspot.com

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All written material found on this blog whether blog entries, poetry, or insane rantings are wholly owned and copyrighted by William Brandon Lacy unless otherwise acknowledged in the body of the text. Please feel free to repost my work as long as you are willing to credit the author (unless of course you are a for profit entity...then you best to be PAYING the author before you use my writing...don't make me get you).

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