Though We Appreciate Your Thoughtful Application, We’ve Decided To Give The Position To My Son

We thank you for coming in. We would like to commend you for your patience throughout this application process. As you know, the board of directors and I have been looking for a new vice president of marketing. It’s clear that you are beyond quali ed and have shown all the leadership qualities necessary to succeed at this position. Nonetheless, we have decided to give the promotion to my son.

While your track record over your 12 years at the company is spotless and you are obviously dedicated to your work, the time has come for me to promote my son from from senior associate to vice president.

I want to stress that the promotion of my son is in no way reflective of how the company views your work. I cannot understate this. You are a proven asset to this company, and we value all the work you’ve done for us. However, my son is getting older and I think the time has come for him to prove himself, much in the same way that you prove yourself to me every single day. Plus he’s got a kid on the way and those diapers aren’t gonna buy themselves.

You nail your presentations, bring in new clients almost monthly, and inspire those around you to work harder, but at this time the board and I see it as more prudent to promote my son, who I’ll have you know made the dean’s list twice in college.

I’m very proud of him, you know. I think you would be too if you gave him a chance. He’s having trouble making friends around the once and his wife is quite the battle-ax, so hopefully this promotion will help him turn all that around. I just want him to be happy. Don’t you?

Anyway, it’d be great if you could get that report on the Sterling account to me by this afternoon. Thanks for your time!