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Seniors launch 4th Presidential bid

In slightly confusing style, seniors Erik Chiodo and Chris Horgan have publicly announced their ticket for SA President and Vice-President.

“We’d like to announce today that tomorrow will be the day—the day we announce the date that we will officially announce our presidential run. Some day after that we will announce the day that we’ll reveal whether or not we plan to continue in the election. Put it on your calendar,” Chiodo said eloquently.

Chiodo and Horgan have unsuccessfully run for office for the last three years, giving them the rare opportunity to lose four consecutive elections, a feat as impressive as it is impossible. With the benefit of hindsight, the two say that their past failures might help them avoid publicly humiliating themselves for a fourth time in a row.

“Geesh, that was a little harshly stated. This year, we contacted the statistics department at Harvard to extensively review our first few elections. The first year we lost votes at UR because we spent too much time campaigning in Iowa,” Chiodo said. “That was a poor choice, but we overcame it and actually pulled third in that state.”

“I’ll admit it, the second year we lost because we entered the wrong SA race,” Horgan said. “We mixed up the SA Presidential race with a Salvation Army charity 5K.”

Each year, the pair has run campaigns based on a few guarantees that really spoke to the students, but this time around, the two have learned that they might have to tone down just how much they can guarantee.

“Maybe in years past we’ve fallen short of our guarantees. Maybe freshman year it was a little bold to run a campaign solely on promising to keep old Dougie and the old Bookstore. Maybe it was a little bold to promise that the hill that used to overlook Fauver wasn’t going anywhere. Maybe we got a little too confident when we promised that only over our dead bodies would an alumnus named Evan Lams change the first floor layout of a beloved domed library. But, we’ve learned from our mistakes, and plan to apply our painfully accrued knowledge to our best campaign yet. This year, we guarantee that ITS will in no way change, ever. In addition, we promise that this quote won’t be cut up or spliced to fit journalistic protocol,” Horgan quipped.

Before running for the first time, Chiodo and Horgan were fully committed to continue throwing themselves into the election every year until they won. In addition to adapting their guarantees, the duo has looked for inspiration from other success stories throughout history.

“Freshmen year, Chris and I met together to construct a four-year plan for our run for office. We looked to groups or organizations that specifically made it to the top four times for guidance,” Chiodo recalled. “In hindsight, maybe we shouldn’t have modeled our four-year plan after the 1990 Buffalo Bills. Furthermore, our focus was probably a little too wide, and to the right in our first go at it.”

But despite their efforts, the duo again finds themselves against the odds, as early polls unanimously have them in last place, while analytics clearly predict them to lose.

“Well if you look at the real world, that might actually work in our favor,” Horgan said. “Furthermore, this election doesn’t quite prepare us for the real world, for at this school, the pairing that gets the most votes wins,” Horgan said.

Either way, Chiodo isn’t preparing for a fourth loss.

“How would we react if we lost?” Chiodo began to think. “Well, our publicist said it’d be a tough one to swallow. I’m not sure I’d go as far as that, but that’s what she said.”

Chiodo began to think that he should have thought about that one a little longer.

To avoid another failed election, Chiodo and Horgan have been working diligently with their campaign staff to devise a strategy primarily focused on garnering widespread student support by any means possible.

“Well, Albert Einstein once said, ‘Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results,’” Chiodo said. “But what does he know? He’s never run for an SA position once, let alone thrice.”

Horgan responded, “Wait, he’s not running, is he?”

Horgan and Chiodo both commented on the current over usage of generic phrases in politics.

“You know, you should avoid platitudes because they’re overly simplistic and have ambiguous meaning about serious issues. But, look on the bright side—every cloud has a silver lining, so let’s agree to disagree, if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. If life gives you lemons, it is what it is. At the end of the day, you have to take it one step at a time, because time waits for no one. So, seek out help when you need it, since no one gets left behind. If you want something done right, do it yourself and take your time, because Rome wasn’t built in one day. You know what? People make mistakes and sometimes you have to swallow your pride and try again the next day. Forgive and forget, such is life, time heals all wounds, winners never quit. Play ball!” Horgan and Chiodo said simultaneously.

Alright, now just wrap it up, it’s getting a little more difficult to balance out this filler stuff and quotes.

“Can I get one more quote?” Horgan typed.

Fine, one more quote, Chris.

Thanks, Erik.

“Where do I see this campus in 15 years?” Horgan pondered. “Probably still in Rochester.”