Hogfather

Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made
you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.

-- (Terry Pratchett, Hogfather)

She'd become a governess. It was one of the few jobs a known lady could do.
And she'd taken to it well. She'd sworn that if she did indeed ever find
herself dancing on rooftops with chimney sweeps she'd beat herself to death
with her own umbrella.

-- (Terry Pratchett, Hogfather)

"ER...HO. HO. HO."

-- Death makes a career move
(Terry Pratchett, Hogfather)

This is very similar to the suggestion put forward by the Quirmian
philosopher Ventre, who said, "Possibly the gods exist, and possibly they
do not. So why not believe in them in any case? If it's all true you'll go
to a lovely place when you die, and if it isn't then you've lost nothing,
right?" When he died he woke up in a circle of gods holding nasty-looking
sticks and one of them said, "We're going to show you what we think of Mr
Clever Dick in these parts..."

-- (Terry Pratchett, Hogfather)

Biers was where the undead drank. And when Igor the barman was asked for a
Bloody Mary, he didn't mix a metaphor.

-- (Terry Pratchett, Hogfather)

"Did you check the list?"
YES. TWICE. ARE YOU SURE THAT'S ENOUGH?

-- He's gonna find out...
(Terry Pratchett, Hogfather)

"That statement is either so deep it would take a lifetime to fully
comprehend every particle of its meaning, or it is a load of absolute tosh.
Which is it, I wonder?"

-- (Terry Pratchett, Hogfather)

"Real stupidity beats artificial intelligence every time."

-- Bursar 1 - Hex 0
(Terry Pratchett, Hogfather)

Glingleglingleglingle.

-- (Terry Pratchett, Hogfather)

Everything starts somewhere, though many physicists disagree. But people
have always been dimly aware of the problem with the start of things. They
wonder how the snowplough driver gets to work, or how the makers of
dictionaries look up the spelling of words.

-- (Terry Pratchett, Hogfather)

We took pity on him because he'd lost both parents at an early age. I think
that, on reflection, we should have wondered a bit more about that.

It's a sad and terrible thing that high-born folk really have thought that
the servants would be totally fooled if spirits were put into decanters
that were cunningly labelled backwards. And also throughout history the
more politically conscious butler has taken it on trust, and with rather
more justification, that his employers will not notice if the whisky is
topped up with eniru.