Welcome back to Midweek Madness. Every Wednesday, the ever-intrepid Callie Beusman heads to the newsstand for the new issues of Us, In Touch, Life & Style, Ok! and Star, so that together we may study the dark magicks lurking in the celebrity grimoires. This week: Kate Middleton's knocked up with twins; Jared Leto is the new Johnny Depp; 16-year-old Kylie Jenner has gone under the plastic surgeon's knife; and Ellen and Portia are heading for divorce. Abracadabra!

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Star

JEALOUSY, DRINKING & FIGHTING

Ellen and Portia's marriage is on the rocks because Ellen is a lustful tyrant. You can tell because Ellen talks a lot about how happy she is and also because she and Portia were FLAUNTING THEIR LOVE by holding hands at and Oscars after party. Protest too much, much? ponders Star in this continuation to February's divorce cover story. According to a source, Ellen has a "thing" for young and beautiful women and often flirts with them right in front of Portia — which (of course) has driven Portia to plastic surgery. But it's backfired: "Ellen loves edgy women in their 20s; Portia's starting to look like a Beverly Hills housewife!" One thousand UUUUGGGGHHHH's to all of this. Moving on: a stripper has recounted for Star her terrifying erotic encounter with Jared Leto in 2002, which took place when he was in the midst of a three-year relationship with Cameron Diaz. According to the stripper, she was dancing on the 30 Seconds to Mars tour bus when "Jared suddenly grabbed me around the throat from behind and said to me, 'I can reach pure sexual enjoyment in 30 seconds just by looking into your eyes.'" At least now we know where the band name comes from! In other news, Sienna Miller got drunk at the Weinstein Oscars after party and ate all the cucumbers that were meant to be used as garnish. Stars: they're just like us. In other other news, Katy Perry and John Mayer broke up because he made out with a Soul Cycle instructor. Whatever. And finally, voyaging into utterly deplorable territory, Star obtained a restraining order filed by Bachelor contestant Clare Crawley when she was eighteen — against a woman who was stalking and threatening her. At one point on the document, Clare notes that the woman called her a "fucking slut," which Star notes "seemingly indicate[s] a teenaged flare-up over a boy that got way out of hand." They go on to quote an "insider": "Judging from her conduct on The Bachelor, she probably didn't learn any life lessons about romantic ethics." SERIOUSLY? Is Star really implying that a woman deserved to be stalked because she flirted with the wrong guy? And that she should have LEARNED A LESSON from it? Are you fucking kidding me? The article is called "LIFELONG LOVE THIEF," by the way. Baaaaarrrrffffff (Fig. 1).

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Grade: F— (we bind you from doing harm)

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Ok!

TWINS!

Kate Middleton and Prince William expecting twins. Sure, ok. Heard this one before. (A couple of weeks ago Star said she was pregnant with a girl; she was previously diagnosed with twins in 2011 and 2012.) According to an insider, "Kate didn't want to be carrying babies into her late 30s or early 40s. Twins are the perfect solution." (As we all know, Kate Middleton has complete mental control over what goes down in her uterus). Further proof: according to a royal historian, both Kate and Will have twin relatives. Also, she's been eating a lot of yams. PROOF. IRREFUTABLE PROOF. In other news, Juan Pablo might have ruined the Bachelor franchise forever by being such a dick. One time he made a junior runner cry because of cuff links, and he slept with more contestants than anyone in the show's history; it is also rumored that he hooked up with his daughter's mother while filming the show. Oh, Juan Pablo. You fuckin' scoundrel. Moving on: Katy Perry and John Mayer broke up because he can't commit, and also because of trust issues, and also because he hates when he sees pictures of her making out with her WiLd female friends (i.e., Rihanna and Miley Cyrus). Like a meddling relative, Ok! has helpfully come up with some alternative boyfriends for her (Fig. 2). Elsewhere in the mag, Lena Dunham is interviewed, and she says that if she could have anyone guest-star on Girls she would pick Gloria Steinem or Daniel Day-Lewis. Solid choices! Finally, Jared Leto is the new Johnny Depp, according to an infographic (Fig. 3). This is very informative because it describes them both as "Eclectic Fashionistas."

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Grade: F (invoking Manon for evil deeds)

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Life & Style

EXPOSED

Guys, did you hear the news? It's true: Bachelor Juan Pablo is really not a catch. He is, in fact, the worst. Here are some dark secrets about Bachelor Juan Pablo that the contestants have yet to learn: He still lives with his parents. No one knows how he makes money because he does not seem to have a real job. The only reason he danced seductively on the show so frequently was because he wants to be on Dancing With the Stars. Most damning of all, his favorite snack is not chocolate-covered strawberries — it's Doritos dipped in salsa. Damn. In other news, Kourtney Kardashian and Scott Disick are getting secretly eloped for like the 80th time, apparently galvanized by the tragic passing of both of Scott's parents (which makes little sense, but whatever). The elopement will take place in a $30k-a-night luxury resort in mexico, and everyone will be flown out in a private jet. Sure! Moving on: Katie Holmes and Jamie Foxx have been secretly hooking up for months, and she is calling the shots. It's not a relationship, says Katie, who is having fun being single and sexy. Sorry, Jamie :( Next: Katie Perry and John Mayer broke up because she's afraid he'll cheat, according to Theory Number 3. Troublingly, he was morphing into her ex husband Russell Brand by wearing a scarf (Fig. 4), which is always a warning sign. Finally, Gwen Stefani did not have a "dramatic delivery." She got a C-section in a $30,000 deluxe maternity suite. $30,000 suites filled with doctors tend to be drama-free zones.

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Grade: D (revenge curse)

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In Touch

TWO WEDDINGS OFF!

Katy Perry decided that she couldn't marry John "The Player" Mayer because she didn't trust him. "She always thinks John is either going to cheat or is cheating. He's very sneaky," says a source who could be literally anyone with eyes. Words used in this piece include "dalliance," "secretive," "lothario," "total womanizer," and "playboy;" there's also a sidebar titled "He Humiliates All The Women He Dates." Eesh. Meanwhile, Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux will never get hitched because "he's not the marrying kind." These guys, man, you have to check the bottom of the right foot for a serial number — that'll tell you what "kind" they are. Let's move on. Also inside: Amanda Bynes might have a "secret" Twitter account, Ashley Barks, aka @PersianLa27. Of course, a secret is not a secret if everyone knows about it. Congrats to George Clooney, who's dating Amal Alamuddin, who was voted "London's hottest female barrister" by a UK blog. Well done. Jamie Foxx and Katie Holmes are still hooking up, according to a source, and she "just loves the excitement of it being hush-hush." Oh really? She doesn't want to blame it on the ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-alcohol? Next, "Kylie's Dramatic Transformation" accuses the 16-year-old of getting Botox, a nose job and lip injections, even though it's fairly obvious that a ton of makeup and two different face angles are involved. She may be too young for plastic surgery but a woman is never too young to have her appearance picked apart by tabloids (Fig. 5)! Finally, while we're fully aware that the nomenclature refers to a rich, deep shade of red, but somehow seeing the words "EVERYONE'S WEARING OXBLOOD" feels sick, gory and ominous. Gaze upon the heathen celebs drenched in the viscous blood of beasts of burden! (Fig. 6)

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Grade: D (pox on both your houses)

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Us

WHY WE CONFESSED

This cover is slightly misleading, because the interview inside is not with Teresa and Joe Guidice but with Wendy Feldman, Teresa's "crisis manager and sentencing expert." Even though Joe said "We're not guilty" on Watch What Happens Live last September, the couple decided that a public trial would be terrible for their four young daughters. They'll be formally sentenced later this year, but right now "this is the worst purgatory you can be in" and "they are a bit depressed," Feldman says. Blah blah blah a new leaf etc. Moving on. Nashville fans: Sam Palladio (Gunnar) and Chaley Rose (Zoey) are a couple IRL (Fig. 7). Finally, Kim and Kanye have set a wedding date and it is Saturday, May 24. In Paris. See you there!