DoD Recognizes Your Wife’s Boyfriend As A Dependent

WASHINGTON — The Pentagon has extended the definition of service member dependents to include non-family, even the good-for-nothing boyfriend your wife keeps at home while you are on deployment, Duffel Blog has learned.

“Bobby Joe’s a sweetheart, but he ain’t cheap, and he don’t have no income of his own,” said your wife in a recent statement to your neighbor. “He’s long since been dependin’ on us, so it just seems right that he’s our actual dependent now.”

The benefits of his dependency status include a tax credit and monthly stipend for you, and a DoD ID card for Bobby Joe.

“I love me some cheap Jim Beam I get on post,” Bobby Joe reportedly said, in a deposition to his parole officer. “I just wish I could get me one of them meal cards, too,” he followed, because he’s a worthless parasite, unlike Asha, your sweet-ass deployment girlfriend downrange.

Asha is a totally self-sufficient overseas linguist, and last week she even paid for your Green Beans coffee on the boardwalk.

The Pentagon has stressed that the move is a proactive effort to modernize after being way behind the social curve on gender equality, racial discrimination, and sexual orientation rights. “By legitimizing extra-marital affairs and helping service members provide for their couch-surfing buddies, we think we might finally be doing something right,” a Pentagon spokesman said in a statement to Duffel Blog.

Your wife seemed to agree, based on a hastily-written note beneath the shitty candy in your last care package. “We all come out for the better,” said the woman you felt forced to marry because she had your child. “You’re makin’ more money, Bobby Joe gots a place to stay, and I get to make you both happy.”

Platoon Sergeant Claims 38 Soldiers On His Tax Return

FORT RILEY, Kansas — After 7 years of litigation and $75,000 in legal fees, Sgt. 1st Class James Kinchloe finally gets to claim his entire platoon on his tax return.

Kinchloe, after years of mounting monetary losses, was forced to examine U.S. tax laws after he spent roughly $24,000 in bail payments, $14,239 in XBox 360 subscriptions, and $8,000 in down-payments for gender reassignment surgeries in 2013 alone.

Court documents indicate Kinchloe’s main complaint challenged the “qualifying relative” definition in IRS Publication 501: Exemptions, Standard Deduction, and Filing Information. It states that a person may be claimed on a tax return “if their own funds are not actually spent for their own support” and are a “member of the household.”

“When I tell people I take care of soldiers they don’t think I mean literally,” Kinchloe told Duffel Blog while gently kicking awake Pvt. 1st Class Tobias McKay, who he picked up last night drunkenly urinating outside the 12th St. Gate in a pink tutu and IBA. “I truly love my job, but the financial toll of housing and feeding 38 of America’s heroes took a toll on my family.”

Records of receipts as far back as 2008 were submitted as evidence and clearly showed Kinchloe’s soldiers spending their paychecks on Brazzer’s subscriptions, unfiltered Marlboro Reds and Tobaccosplode instead of clothing, food, and rent.

Lawyers also subpoenaed key witnesses from Kinchloe’s platoon for cross-examination. Spc. Noah Frederickson, who received a small loan from Kinchloe after spending all of his paycheck on lap dances at Rack City instead of his family’s rent and utilities, took the stand on Kinchloe’s behalf, as did Pvt. Joseph Dunlap, who needed $5,000 to break an agreement for a $58,000 loan with a 56.7% APR when he purchased a donked out 1981 Buick Regal.

After 3 months of arguments, a circuit court judge ruled in favor of Kinchloe, citing the infamous 1st Squad 3-day Tinder party/BBQ/orgy Kinchloe unknowingly hosted at his on-post quarters. The raucous orgy served as the crux of his 248-page opinion, as it ultimately cost Kinchloe and Fort Riley more than $152,000 in steam cleaning fees and paternity tests.

While the hearing sets a precedent that will force thousands of similar cases to be retried, Kinchloe hopes that one day his soldiers will use his example as a beacon of leadership for their respective platoons.

“It is a small price to pay for their future lifetime of service as U.S. soldiers,” Kinchloe said as he wrote out a $4,000 check to Sgt. Eduardo Gutierrez to cover his losses at the Prairie Band casino roulette table.

CHEYENNE, Wyo. — In a close vote, Sen. John Barrasso (R-Wyo.) heroically managed to halt plans to end production of the “Humvee” line of military vehicles, saving the program from being scrapped due to budget cuts. In a coincidence some observers are calling “really, really accidental,” the vote also saves as many as 20,000 jobs in Barrasso’s home state.

The High Mobility Multipurpose Wheeled Vehicle (HMMWV), or “Humvee,” has been the military’s primary transportation and patrol vehicle platform since 1983. It is manufactured by AM General, which, in another complete coincidence, donated over $600,000 to Barrasso’s “Strength, Leadership, Understanding, Stability, Honor” PAC.

“The HMMWV is a tried and true military all-purpose vehicle which is in no way outdated and has certainly not led to hundreds of thousands of injuries and deaths due to its lack of armor, ridiculously wide wheel base, and terrible cornering,” said Barrasso at a $30,000-a-plate donor brunch in Manhattan Thursday.

Barrasso paused to accept a wedding anniversary present of a fourteen-year-old Filipina from a union representative.

“And it’s totally, totally unrelated that keeping the program going also serves to keep the main AM General factory in Laramie open, maintaining the jobs of thousands of people who have to vote the way their union reps tell — I mean, hardworking Wyomans,” continued Barrasso.

“I honestly don’t even consider that fact when I am in my diamond-encrusted office in Washington, considering how to vote while my fourth and seventh assistant secretaries take turns polishing my scepter,” he added.

Barrasso’s constituents applaud his forward-thinking work to keep the military bound to unsafe, decades-old technology.

“We’re really happy with how our bri — uh, our donations have come ba — I mean, ah, we have no direct financial association with the senator,” said Diana Kribble, mayor of Murphy, a small town north of Sheridan which is the site of a Northrup Grumman factory that employs five thousand local residents.

“When Sen. Barrasso singlehandedly killed the Land Warrior program, it saved the factory in my town,” Kribble continued. “Thousands of servicemembers dying because they’re forced to continue their use of the terrible Blue Force Tracker system is a small price to pay for some blue-collar slobs not having to learn some new skills.”

Barrasso’s current term will expire in 2018. In super-unrelated news, his office has confirmed that he will not seek reelection, instead opting to move to a private-sector job as manager of AM General’s Bermuda office.

Advanced Weapons Tested For Destroyer That Will Never Destroy Anything

WASHINGTON — Engineers at Naval Sea Systems Command are set to begin the next phase of their ongoing plan to test the effectiveness of emerging surface warfare technologies the Navy will never get to employ in actual combat this week, the Command announced.

“For heaven’s sake, we don’t actually want to ever use these weapons systems in battle,” said head of NAVSEA, Vice Adm. William Hilarides. “If we abuse this technology we might accidentally win a war, and that’s just an irresponsible use of smart power.”

Engineers hope to install an electromagnetic railgun on the fourth planned Zumwalt-class destroyer, USS Wesley R. Crusher, currently under construction at Bath Iron Works in Maine. Railguns send high-powered electromagnetic pulses along a set of rails to shoot a projectile at supersonic speeds. Conventional naval guns use a chemical propellent and lack the “swag factor.”

“Firing that monster will be like getting an unmodified critical hit every time you roll the dice, ” said one engineer, who asked to be called “Paladin69.” “The magnitude of the force vector is just so freaking cool.”

NAVSEA will continue to use Zumwalt class ships as testbeds to employ various types of directed energy weapons that will never see a moment of combat in future crises. Ship-based 30kW multi-laser systems, capable of incinerating UAVs in flight or consuming water borne IEDs, will thankfully be rendered useless under severely restrictive and obscure rules of engagement.

“It’s simply not fair to use such advanced weaponry against bush league felonious thugs armed with simple small arms and machetes, or other existential threats,” said Hilarides. “The utter defeat and elimination of our nation’s enemies is not the tradition of the American Armed Forces, and we won’t break with tradition.”

New ISIS Propaganda Video Claims American Colors Do Run

BAGHDAD, Iraq — A new ISIS video is set to be released this week and Americans are “not going to like it,” according to multiple sources in the intelligence community.

The video, which shows a member of the Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant (ISIS or ISIL) desecrating an American flag in a washing machine, was posted to jihadist chat rooms and is expected to be widely available on the internet by week’s end.

“You have a bumper sticker that says ‘These colors do not run!'” the jihadist known as “Dearborn Dave” says to the camera. “But we have seen time and again, this is not true.”

As he removes a flag from a Kenmore upright, he looks right into the camera and says, “Well, well, well, what have we here? The reds and blues have bled, like your soldiers, and now the whole thing is just, just purple!”

Sunni extremists believe purple to be the color of defeat for one of the many obscure, impenetrable reasons Islamists often cite. “Plus, it’s a little gay,” Dave says.

Dave continues addressing the audience, saying “For some reason, your Van Zants wrote a nonsensical song about it. Even our ignorant, illiterate wives know that colors must be kept separate, and washed in cold water.”

The terrorist adds: “We had only to use hot water, and your colors have run! How much worse will your so-called Marines be, when we use hot lead! Will they too soil their uniforms? Ha! Of course!”

Across the U.S., the video has been met mostly negative responses.

Newly-elected Senator Joni Ernst (R-Iowa) has promised to introduce legislation prohibiting the use of non-cold water in the laundering of U.S. flags, while Defense Department officials have asked Congress for $73 million to develop a detergent-safe flag.

And in Florida, a prominent church has threatened to wash a Quran in hot water and use the fastest spin cycle if any other American flags are harmed.

In related news, al Qaeda in Yemen has promised to walk all over a “Don’t Tread On Me” flag in the near future if all US troops are not immediately withdrawn from the Middle East.

Okinawa Approves New Marine Air Station On Unstable Volcanic Island

NAHA, Okinawa Prefecture — Hailed as yet another landmark consular victory between the United States and Japan, Gov. Hirokazu Nakaima signed legislation today moving Marine Corps Air Station (MCAS) Futenma to an unnamed and still-forming island 800 miles east of Okinawa.

Nakaima in 2013 broke a seven-year impasse between the two nations by signing a bill relocating the airbase to a less populated area on mainland Okinawa. But sources indicate that this year he has become “sick of all [the Marines’] bullshit” and accelerated the relocation in hopes “they burn in the agonizing, eternal Hell of (Goddess of Fire) Aino’s bosom.”

Maj. Gen. Charles S. Hudson, Commanding General Marine Corps Installation Pacific (MCIPAC), is personally ecstatic about the decision and can’t wait to get started on Futenma’s construction.

“Whether it was an entire aircraft group getting the clap from the Yoshihara Red Light District or a helicopter crashing into a school, I couldn’t increase the distance of these Marines from any human settlement fast enough,” Hudson told reporters at the MCIPAC headquarters in Hawaii.

“Thanks to Governor Nakaima — and the substantial monetary incentive by Japanese Parliament — we can accomplish our national security objectives while allowing me to sleep for eight consecutive hours for the first time in years.”

MCIPAC is sparing no expense on the construction, billing the new Futenma as the first “green” US military installation by harnessing the island’s extensive geothermal activity. The airstrip itself will be built on the northern end of the pristine and seismically unhinged volcanic land mass, while families will reside on the newly emerging southern end at bucolic Camp Krakatoa.

Once the land beneath it cools enough for habitation, Camp Krakatoa will be a state-of-the-art installation centered in a double-somma caldera. With exquisite views of the 100% sulfuric acid Tambora Lake, dependents will be able to take in a movie at the Pinatubo theater, work off some energy at the Vesuvius Fitness Center, or bowl a few games at the Navada Del Ruiz Columbian Cantina Bowling Alley.

Asked about his opinion on the move, MCAS Futenma Sgt. Maj. Jerry D. Taylor told Duffel Blog he is looking forward to the change of scenery.

“Even with the toxic fumaroles, pyroclastic flows, viscous lahars, choking clouds of ash, corrosive sulfur dioxide, and mild-to-moderate explosive activity, the standard of living will still be higher than any other duty station I have served at.”

Marine One Crew Wishes President Would Shut the F— Up Already

WASHINGTON — Both Marine One pilots waiting on the White House South Lawn wish the President would shut the f–k up and get on the goddamn aircraft so they can power the f–king engines and get this heat going, sources close to the pilots confirmed.

The crew chief, who has been standing at the position of attention for 30 minutes while the president goes on about some bulls–t agreement with Russia, is also ready “to get this show on the road, get back to Quantico, and finish his Walking Dead binge,” the source told Duffel Blog.

The engines of the VH-3D Sea King, the VIP version of the aircraft Sikorsky designed to fuck up Soviet subs, are usually sufficient to drown out most politicians, other sources say, which is why Marines were chosen to operate the aircraft. “But this goddamn clown loves to hear himself talk, and doesn’t really give a shit if anyone can hear him,” one of the pilots said.

“It isn’t just about the engines, either,” according to Marine Corps Spokesman Col. Lionel Hart. “Marines are the only bastards tough enough and professional enough to sit quietly in the freezing cold while the President flaps his cock holster.”

The aircraft’s co-pilot, however, disagrees.

“I’d rather be smoking f–kers in Afghanistan,” he said. “I thought this job would get me laid, not a beer belly and hemorrhoids.”

Base-Wide Alert After ISIS Breaks Into Soldier’s Car

FORT BENNING, Ga. – An Army base in Georgia was placed on Threat Condition (THREATCON) Delta today, the highest force protection measures in the Department of Defense, after a military serviceman reported that the terrorist group ISIS had broken into his car.

The victim, Staff Sgt. Jason Boutros of the Army’s Maneuver Center, reported to military police that his car had been forcibly entered during the night and his stereo and several loose pieces of military gear had all been removed from the vehicle.

“I came out to my driveway this morning, and there was a window smashed on my car,” Boutros told Duffel Blog. Tragically, every single piece of Boutros’ TA-50 gear was in the car at the time, and are presumed stolen.

Law enforcement sources speculate that ISIS may try to sell the stolen equipment at a local pawn shop in Columbus to raise money for additional terrorist activities.

ISIS, a terrorist organization with roots in Iraq and Syria, is responsible for overrunning large parts of the Middle East. It has committed multiple murders and war crimes as part of its goal to create a neo-Salafist caliphate and introduce shariah law to the Persian Gulf region and Chattahoochee County, Georgia.

“We encourage all Americans to report suspicious activity, no matter how trivial,” said Andrew Olek, a spokesman for the Army’s Criminal Investigation Division.

He noted that in response to their recent defeat by Kurdish peshmerga fighters near Kobane in Syria, ISIS leaders had called on their supporters to commit a new wave of aggression against American military personnel, by double-parking in front of their vehicles or slowing down their Internet bandwidth.

A recent incident at Fort Bragg, where an individual was seen driving around the base shouting threats at people, was originally thought to be an ISIS plot, but later turned out to be part of a routine alcohol binge.

On Fort Benning, authorities suspect ISIS has been responsible for a series of petty burglaries and acts of vandalism that have brought the war home to a once quiet community. These include smashing the windows of vacant buildings, keying the cars of high-ranking officers, and taking unauthorized photographs of military spouses from the bushes outside their homes.

Several Army leaders have also linked ISIS to a recent spike in drinking and driving incidents and believe the group may also be running a drug and prostitution ring in the barracks. ISIS is also a prime suspect in an alleged plot to degrade unit readiness by flooding the town of Columbus with dozens of strippers and seedy bars.

Boutros has also asked federal authorities to investigate whether ISIS was also responsible for emptying out his bank account during a recent deployment.

American-Born ISIS Recruit Beheaded For Calling Cadence

MOSUL, Iraq – Sources confirmed American citizen Rick Phelps was beheaded today in Iraq after footage was disseminated to various media outlets depicting him being brutally decapitated with a steak knife.

Phelps, 32, from Topeka, Kansas and a former member of the Westboro Baptist Church, converted to Islam in early 2014, adopted the name “Mohammed al-Fatwa,” and took up arms with the Islamic State, reportedly saying, “These guys hate gays and the American military almost as much as I do.”

Phelps, notorious for his extremist views and excessive motivation, would oftentimes break out unsolicited marching cadences randomly throughout the day, much to the chagrin of his peers.

“Allah, that guy was such a fucking boot,” remarked Ibrahim Bakir, who underwent basic training alongside Phelps. “I swore I would cut off his balls and feed them to him if I heard him sing ‘C-130 Rolling Down the Strip’ one more time, but someone beat me to the punch.

“I have no doubt that missing this opportunity will be the deepest regret I carry to my grave,” he added.

Indeed, Phelps’ enthusiasm proved to be so demoralizing that superiors prohibited any form of cadence calling. The celebrated mandate was short-lived, however, as an undeterred Phelps continued to “inspire” his comrades with classics like “Yellow Ribbon,” “When I Get to Jannah,” “Four Winds,” and “Everywhere We Go.”

Icy glares and disgruntled rumblings prompted one officer to address the issue head-on, and Phelps’ soulful rendition of “Mama, Mama Can’t You See?” was cut short as his head was violently severed from his body.