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Friday, March 30, 2007

The True Story of The Frog's Demise

The following story will make absolutely no sense at all unless you read this first.

The evening began with Julie wining and dining the Frog with his favorite repast, applying all her feminine wiles to win him over. As he was slipping into a fried fly coma, Julie forces a pen into his flippered right hand (the Frog’s left hand holding a cookie he was about to eat) and gently coerces him to sign a contract binding him for the next 27 years as her exclusive book cover model.

Before the ink had time to dry, Sariah bursts through the door in a fit of hormonal outrage. She had run all the way to the Frog’s lily pad in an attempt to prevent Julie from winning the Frog’s attentions, but having had to stop several times to relieve sudden bouts of morning sickness, she discovers she is only moments too late.

Sariah tries to grab the contract, intending to rip it to shreds, but Julie is too fast for her. Sariah grabs the candlestick from the dining table, and swings it at Julie’s head. Julie ducks and Sariah accidentally hits the Frog instead. Sariah drops the candlestick in shock and flees the lily pad, thinking she has killed the Frog. However, since she was weakened and dehydrated from the morning sickness, she has not actually killed him, but merely knocked him unconscious.

Julie watches the fleeing Sariah in shock, stunned into motionless silence, because she too believes the Frog is dead. Then she runs into the other room in tears.

At exactly this moment, Rob enters the lily pad, planning to rob the Frog. He stumbles across the Frog’s body and falls beside him on the floor, knocking his head against the table on his way down. Now there are two unconscious bodies lying on the floor.

At this point, Stephanie enters the room with a carving knife, planning to get that chocolate chip cookie recipe from the Frog or else. She sees Rob lying there on the floor beside the Frog and decides Fortune has intervened in her behalf and she can exact revenge upon Rob for all the snide comments he’s made about her over the past months, which has caused her untold emotional misery. She rushes forward to plunge the knife into Rob’s unprotected and evil heart. Right as her arm is coming down, Rob moans and moves slightly, knocking Stephanie off balance and she accidentally stabs the Frog instead. She tries to grab the cookie from Frog’s hand, but it breaks in half. She reaches out to pry the other half from the Frog’s grasp, but hears a noise outside the lily pad door. She takes the half cookie she already has and runs out the back door, leaving the knife behind her. She feels a little guilty because she mistakenly thinks that she has killed the Frog (in actuality, she missed all vital organs), but at least she has the cookie and can send it to a lab to retro-figure the recipe.

The noise from outside gets louder and louder until a huge behemoth crashes through the door. It’s a monster from Jeff Savage’s novel. The Frog rejected Jeff’s last novel idea and Jeff is consumed with the mad desire for revenge. In his research, Jeff discovered the black art of character animation that allows him to bring his characters to life and to control them for his own dastardly purposes. The best parts about Jeff’s plan are that he can claim ignorance (“Geez, officer, I had no idea my dark fantasies could be brought to life and unleashed upon the innocent and unsuspecting world…”) and he doesn’t have to get his hands dirty.

The monster, who has claws big enough to rip the Frog into itsy bitsy pieces, instead chooses to hang him by a rope. Why, we will never know because Julie, who was still in the back bedroom trying to calm her nerves, hears the monster noises and comes to investigate. She watches as if in a trance as the monster loops the noose around the poor Frog’s neck and hoists him up to hang from the chandelier. The Frog’s body swings pendulously, as Jeff’s monster laughs with wicked glee.

Shaken back into conscious awareness by the frantic twitching of the Frog’s body, Julie realizes the Frog may still be alive. She grabs a rapid-fire, semi-automatic 357 magnum pistol with pink pearl handgrip from a thigh holster hidden under her skirt and starts shooting hysterically. First she aims at the monster, firing 16 shots in quick succession. She misses every time, but the ricocheting bullets convince the monster to flee out the back door, following Stephanie’s cookie-scented trail.

Julie, gun still in hand, rushes to cut the Frog down, only to discover that several of her bullets had hit her beloved amphibian. She lowers his delicate body gently to the ground. Through tear-stained eyes, she notices Rob still on the floor. This is all his fault. He was the one who told Sariah what Julie was up to in the first place! She has one bullet left. Does she use it on herself, broken-hearted as she is, or on Rob? Anger wins out and she shoots Rob in the kneecap, then rushes out the front door.

The now conscious Rob is screeching and wailing in agony, rolling on the floor holding his bleeding kneecap. After many long and very loud minutes, he drags himself to his feet. He looks down at the Frog, kicks his nearly lifeless body, and limps out the door.

Silence descends. The camera focuses on the Frog lying on the floor. He has a large quickly purpling bruise developing on his abdomen from Rob’s kick. His head is bleeding from Sariah’s blow with the candlestick. He is bleeding from Stephanie’s stab wound located between his two lowest ribs on the right side. His neck is black and swollen from the near fatal hanging by Jeff’s monster. He has several gun shot wounds, all of which are bleeding profusely. And yet, our fearless amphibian still breathes. He still clings to life. He still has a chance…

A black-gloved hand reaches out to cover his mouth. The Frog’s eyes open for a moment, then close forever. As the scene goes dark, we hear a woman’s voice laughing the words, “Serves you right, you stupid frog. With friends like these, you never had a ghost of a chance!”

4 comments:

Okay, Karlene, thanks to you I have just spewed my tuna sandwich all over the keyboard in an uncontrollable fit of laughter. Besides irreparable damage to the laptop, tuna atrracts cats and cats -- once attracted -- never leave until after a thorough ear-scratching, so I will now get nothing else done for the rest of the day. Possibly ever.

You are just TOO clever. As soon as I think of a good enough prize for you, you've won it! (You're not necessarily right about the murder, however. For one thing, Savage's monster was tied up with the rope; he broke it to get free and it trailed after him all the way to the Frog's house. Gee, did I not make that clear? :-)On the other hand, this is waaaaay better than anything I could have come up with!

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