David Cameron has completed his boldest-ever reshuffle as he promoted a “fresh team” of horrible female nutters to his cabinet in what is being seen as the opening shots of the 2015 General Election.

Speaking after the reshuffle was announced, Prime Minister David Cameron said he hoped the appointments would “inspire godawful shits of all creeds and colours to new heights of cruelty”.

“The Conservatives are the party of opportunity, and we are committed to building a Britain in which everyone has the chance to be beaten by a female police officer, hurled out of their home by a gay bailiff or fired by their transgender boss”.

Cameron has received criticism for replacing several experienced, hateful male ministers with seven comparably mean-as-fuck female economic Darwinists, but rejected charges of tokenism.

“I believe in appointing the right people to do the job, whether that job is Secretary of State for Education or trainee burger-monkey in a zero-hours fast food chain”, Cameron said. “The workplace is the perfect avenue for rewarding everyone’s psychotic urge to stomp like stormtroopers upon their fellow human beings”.

Culture: Fresh Tartt

Extract from novelist’s new work threatens 800-page descriptive monologue on faded grandeur of bohemian upstate New York residence of academic family fallen upon hard times. Page Nine

Now arrogant Germans won’t even let us spy on them

The Rat says: They’re first out with the beach towels at your hotel, and now the Germans think they’re so superior that they deserve some kind of exemption from the Americans' Orwellian surveillance system. They aren't.

“By the year 2006, everyone will be able to hurl filthy abuse each other online from the comfort of their own homes with ear-bleeding intensity and eyeball-scorching ferocity”, Mr Gates announced today.

“The Discrimination Superhighway will bring humanity together, then cause us all to recoil in horror from each other at our mutual, resentment-fuelled repellence”.

A spokesperson for Apple issued the following statement via email: “Who cares what that speccy twat Gates think? He’s one of those bloody Catholics, isn’t he”.

Deranged lunatics converge on BBC for protest about something

By Jingo Horatio

2,000 deranged, dribbling idiots descended on BBC HQ last night to protest some mental shit that they have a bee in their bonnets about.

The protesters carried banners denouncing bias in the BBC’s coverage of some issue or other, most likely Palestine or climate change or a football club going bust, or some other tiresome nonsense that is basically far beyond the broadcaster’s control.

“We’re all very angry”, said one whacking great bell-end of a human being, between loud outbursts of incoherent, bovine bellowing. “We pay for the BBC, and we expect it to mindlessly repeat whatever mad fucking bullshit we’re upset about on any particular day of the week”.

A general chant of “Stop being so biased about the things” went up as the evening cleaning shift tried to make its way through the placard-waving throng of angry, clueless morons to just get a day’s damn work done without having to put up with this type of thing.

“I have no idea what they’re on about now”, said one employee. “If it’s not one thing, it’s another and frankly, these protests are so common and so incoherent that I personally couldn’t give a shit whether they even have a point or not”.

IDF: Israel “hitting Palestinians because it loves them”

A spokesperson for the Israeli Defence Force has responded to criticism of its assault on the Gaza Strip by saying that it deeply loves the Palestinian people, but just wishes they wouldn’t get it all angry and wound-up by nagging and annoying it when it’s trying to watch TV.

“We take the greatest care not to harm civilians while we’re dropping high explosives on them”, a spokesperson said, “And we just wish that the Palestinians would stop talking all that shit all the goddamn time”.