The 7 Most Terrifying Sex Toys Ever Patented

#3. The Arousal Meter

This is another patent that reveals much more about the inventor than what he actually invented. This guy proposed a Saw-style contraption to tell when people are sexually excited by sensing genital swelling. Because the penis is normally so subtle about that. The device involves copper wiring, hinges, electricity and harnesses -- he only needs hissing spiders to complete our "things we don't want on our dick" list.

He's also convinced that this baby is the Swiss army knife of genital measurement.

Because apparently, it works on boobs, too. Anything claiming to fit both penis and breast is either a human mouth or lying (and not nearly as much fun). He also suggests it could be used by federal agencies to detect "deviant sexual tendencies," which is pretty ballsy for someone who built an electrical cock-collar and then told the government, "THIS IS MINE. I DID THIS."

#2. The Eureka Cock-Measuring Bath

The very first line of this patent is "A volumetric device for measuring a body part," which is a bit shy for a man who invented a way to stick his dick in a water hole that wasn't his wife.

Was that offensive to women? Shit, we don't even know anymore.

The insane obsession with dick length is shared only by men who both
a) spend more time worrying about their penis than using it, and
b) are at the lower end of that scale. This inventor might be the worst of all because he's not just insecure enough to care about penis size, he's pedantic enough to say "Actually we should measure it like this."

In what must be the least likely (or useful) diagnostic argument in history, Jason Turner claims it's not length or girth but cubic volume that really matters when it comes to dicks. And to find out how much penis the penis is capable of penising, this invention uses water displacement to do the job. In other words, you stick your junk in a water-filled box, and however much water is kicked out by your dick tells you how big said dick is. IT'S SO SIMPLE.

THIS IS EVERYTHING I'VE EVER WANTED.

Except this aquatic genital measurement kit has more configurations than the average Transformer and requires a magic watertight barrier that doesn't actually exist. There's absolutely no thought given to removing it without a mess, presumably because as far as Turner is concerned, once you've got your dick in something AND you know how big it is, there's nothing else you could possibly care about. Enjoy cleaning out a sink of penis water, Mrs. Turner.

#1. The Safest Sex Suit

Leave it to the French to come up with a sex outfit that will protect you from every STD ever, including AIDS, dignity and air. This is the ultimate in safe sex, and that's "ultimate" as in "last," because anything you need this to screw is going to just kill you anyway. It's like someone was commanded to have a threesome with Tila Tequila and Charlie Sheen and had five minutes to design some way to survive.

The result looks like Tony Stark was stuck in a cave full of Wellington boots instead of weapons.

SO HOT.

It's sexy talk taken much too far -- it's one thing to call her a dirty girl, but another to spend an hour clambering into a more ridiculous suit than a Captain Planet villain. You'd also feel more if you stuck your dick in a tractor tire, and at least then there are probably Internet groups you can hang out with.

It's sad to see the recession affecting even fairy tales, forcing the Gingerbread man to work as a gimp.

The sex doesn't stop there, folks. Get some more in our new book (that you can have sex with).