“Spartacus: Gods of the Arena” mini-cap: Missio

Sometimes I wish I could view a show like Spartacus: Gods of the Arena as my gay male friends do and simply enjoy the eye candy.

But alas, lesbians have so many feelings. And feelings can just plain get in the way of the fun.

This week’s episode of Gods had plenty of eye candy, to be sure, regardless of your Kinsey scale rating. It also took a very dark and disturbing turn that’s hard to shake. But we’ll try our best to ignore it.

Bat-man made it home and has recovered enough to resume finding ways to fit “c–k” into every sentence. But Lucretia loves him anyway.

I have never seen two actors with less chemistry that Lucy Lawless and John Hannah. And I finally figured out why Batiatus seems like such a kook when he says things like, “Has Venus herself ever appeared in such rare form?” or “Has there ever before been such a demonstration?”

Batiatus is Chandler Bing. Could he be any goofier?

He is not pleased to see Gaia, but Lucretia is quick to defend her. “Who do you think dried my tears,” she tells him, “when my husband was returned to be bloody and broken, his life in question?”

I’m not sure anything is dry when those two women are together. But onward.

Gaia watches gladiator practice for a while, thoroughly enjoying the boys’ swinging swords — or so it seems. But her conversation with one of the slave girls, Diona, who blushes at the mere mention of Crixus’s sword indicates another agenda, one we will happily support.

Batiatus learns, meanwhile, that Varrus, one of the games’ organizers, is coming to town to look for gladiators — but not his. So, he and Gaia figure out a plan to eliminate the competition. Gaia and Lucretia head for the marketplace where, in true lesbian fashion, Gaia wants to talk about what happened between them. Or at least cop a quick feel.

Lucretia is not pleased, given that they are on a mission. Gaia reluctantly agrees: “I will not deny myself such pleasures if presented again, but of necessity shift attention to c–k.” What a charmer.

The plan succeeds, tricking Varrus into checking out Bat’s merchandise. Varrus, being so inclined, is also happy to check out Gannicus’s merchandise.

This leads to an unfortunate scene in which Gannicus is forced to ignite his Roman candle with his BFF’s wife Melitta (Marisa Ramirez), interspersed with said BFF Oenomaus fighting for his life against his mentor. I think we all heard the anvil drop, among other things, when this scene, er, climaxed. But I promised to ignore this part, didn’t I?

Varrus, duly impressed, agrees to place Gannicus in the featured match. Batiatus and Lucretia celebrate with another f-fest and once again, Gaia peers in behind the curtain. Only this time, Lucretia notices — and invites Gaia to join them. Gaia, as is only polite, graciously accepts the hospitality.

This time, we don’t have interspersed fighting, but we do have a man participating. I think I prefer the fighting.

I can only imagine whom they’ll add next week. May I make a suggestion?

By the way, for history geeks concerned about the historical inaccuracy of Gaia being free to flit about the countryside alone, the Starz producers took to their blog to explain. In short, Gaia is not a full Roman, therefore not required to have male supervision. Thank the gods for that.