Seeking therapy, self-worth, machines

I am afraid to live, and scared to die.
However, I still seem to be here, after my earlier threads.
My feelings of self-destruction are constantly on my mind.
I have sufficient awareness to realise I need help.
After a failed attempt in May, which resulted in hospitalisation, I was given the contact details of a therapist.
I didnt follow up for weeks and weeks.

My mind, due the depression, is most days in a form of fog, and seems to run much slower than I am used to.
Anyway, I am conflicted with my lack of success in contacting the therapist.

I know she is busy, and overworked, and I feel that I am being selfish asking for help. I am aware that there are others out there who perhaps need her help more than I do. This sends me into the low self-esteem/ low self-worth tailspin that maybe my problems arent as important and therefore shouldnt try to call her again.
Then, because she is busy, I get into the muddle of imagining I am just another number that she has to endure in her busy schedule. It makes me feel an insignificant cog in this big therapy machine. This also makes me feel worthless and insignificant and irrelevant.

I need help, but I dont feel worthy enough to ask or demand help.
I am back where I was. Lonely, disconnected, isolated. Quietly desperate.

I think you should follow up with the therapist.. They have schedules so your not takeing up her time..You can't fight depression on your own..I was in therapy for five years and learned alot on how to handle myself.. I still have problems But I go back to my coping skills and they help..I have been fighting this for 40 years.. I went thru the drug phase staying stoned all the time so I wouldn't hear the voices..Then I got off drugs and seemed to be o.k. for a couple of years.. Then it all hit me like a freight train..So here I am again..Get the help..Thats what they are there for..Take care!!

Endgame01, you really shouldn't put yourself down like that. You know deep down inside that you are special and unique. You shouldn't neglect seeking help. If you were suicidal, then automatically you should be ahead of most people in getting attention. Go get the help you need, and take care of yourself. *hugs*

don't give up endgame...there could be any number of reasons why she hasn't got back to you so keep ringing her ok..
if that doesn't work could you ring the hospital and tell them she's unavailable so they can help you find another therapist..