Being Bald

People have asked if I mind being bald. Yes, but only when I look in the mirror. Luckily, my eyesight is getting worse so I don’t really notice as much.

The good news, in a way, is that for the past decade or so, shaved heads have been “in.” Shaved heads are sort of like camouflage, you know? If everybody looks kinda the same, then nobody notices “the bald guy.” In an ironic twist, if you have fringe on the sides and back of your head, but not on top, then you look bald. If you don’t want to look bald, shave ALL the hair off your head. This shows that you know your hair can grow back any time you decide to let it, and you’re just being trendy.

The new thing now is having a fully shaved head while also sporting a full beard. I don’t get this one. I guess the “Hey, My Head’s on Upside Down” look just isn’t me.

And what ever happened to the Hair Club for Men? Are they still around? And what kind of club is that? What could possibly be more depressing than sitting in a room full of guys all checking out each other’s toupees? Once you realize everybody else’s rat skin looks like crap, then chances are your own does, too. Like I said, depressing.

So why was it a hair club FOR MEN? Were they planning an empire of Hair Clubs for Women? Of course not. Women have pride. And the fact that not even one women’s rights group picketed the company headquarters demanding equal admittance speaks volumes about the whole idea.

The problem with toupees is that they never look quite right no matter how good they are. I mean, when someone comes up to you and says, “That’s a really good toupee. It looks so real!” How “real” could it look if someone comes up to you and compliments you on it?

For me the answer lies in simplicity—get rid of all mirrors in my condo and adopt the stance that I’m wearing a reverse Mohawk or I just have a very wide part.