Joe Blundo commentary: OSU newbie provided with primer

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Tuesday February 4, 2014 7:00 AM

I want to welcome the new Ohio State University president by explaining our town to him.

Columbus is really too big a topic to cover in one column, but that has never stopped me.

So, welcome, Dr. Michael V. Drake. Here’s what you need to know:

Columbus is at the center of a metropolitan area that has managed to grow to almost 2 million
people without anyone on either coast noticing. We’re a national leader in anonymity.

The condition has given rise to a genre of literature: travel stories in which writers from New
York and Los Angeles come here and gush about all the restaurants, museums and corporate
headquarters they didn’t know we had. They’ve been writing the same story for 30 years.

Prepare an elevator speech about the size and location of Columbus. You will need it in your
travels.

You should also know that we’re a Northern city with Southern stress reactions to winter.

What happened in Atlanta (people stuck on freeways overnight in 2 inches of snow) wouldn’t
happen here because schools and businesses would have closed 48 hours in advance of the storm.

You will be under pressure to cancel classes every time the ground whitens.

Given your medical background, I’m sure you already know that OSU’s Wexner Medical Center is one
of the town’s three enormous hospital complexes — all of which are constantly under construction.
In fact, the biggest health threat here isn’t smoking or obesity; it’s the inability to find the
temporary entrance to the emergency room.

As for sports, I think the obsession with Ohio State football can best be summed up in four
words:
We mourn victories here. Last season, after OSU beat California 52-34, people were wearing
black armbands because they thought the defense hadn’t performed well enough.

You might be tempted to soothe fan anxiety by looking on the bright side. Don’t do it. E. Gordon
Gee once declared a tie between Ohio State and Michigan one of the Buckeyes’ “greatest wins ever.”
Fans became so agitated that the city had to put Xanax in the water supply to calm them.

Finally, a word about neighborhoods: Columbus has many progressive neighborhoods (Clintonville
and the Short North, to name two) and a single reactionary one (the southeast corner of Broad and
High streets, where the state legislature meets).

The legislature has quite a few members opposed to the 21st century. They’re very friendly to
oil and gas drillers, gun-rights activists and small-government types.

You can’t please them — unless you’re prepared to go to the Statehouse with a plan to frack the
campus, arm the students and cut the budget in half.