Archive for November, 2014

Opportunities are like buses: if you miss one, another will come along shortly. Or is that men are like buses? Maybe someone was just bloody well talking about buses! Why do I even care at this point? Where is the damn bus stop anyhow?

Every Thanksgiving during dinner I like to stop in mid-meal, oddly stare at my plate and then slowly sculpt my mashed potatoes into a model of the Devils Tower. Then I obsessively intone, “This means something. This is important!”

Sure it’s horribly derivative but it completely freaks the kids out since they’ve never seen that movie.

When I was about 9 or 10 I was obsessed with how cartoon characters wore the same clothes every episode so I had my mom get me five identical shirts and five identical pairs of pants so I could wear the same thing to school every day for a week. Looking back, I’m sure the other kids just thought we didn’t do laundry very often.

So we’ve received all the relatives’ dietary restrictions and I think it’s safe to say that this will be the best gluten-free, carb-free, nut-free, sugar-free, dairy-free, low-fat, low-sulfur, low-protein, low-sodium, kosher, macrobiotic, vegetarian Thanksgiving ever!

So what does it mean when you say, “I love you because I’ve built a little shrine to you in my spare bedroom complete with votive candles and snapshots of you taken secretly with a telephoto lens?” Please tell me, ‘cuz I got a date this weekend.

Oh, you’re just a kid. No harm, I guess. And you wouldn’t hurt an old man, would you?

What, this thing? Oh, it’s not loaded. Just for show. Keep the thugs and punks and energy-vampires away from my shack. Nothing to steal anyway but why take chances, eh?

But – hey, you’re cold. Come here and warm yourself by my fire. Have some beans. Sit down and I’ll tell you of a time when we had electricity and gas heat and light – so much light – and didn’t have to scrounge the wastelands for food like scavengers.

What are you – 19? 20? Then this Hell is all you’ve ever known, isn’t it? Seems like forever but we use to live in comfort. Indoor air conditioning. Ample food supply. Instantaneous communications – oh, the wondrous Internet – Lolcats and pron! Man, those were good times.