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March 31, 2015

Well, they announced the nominations. The ceremony is, indeed, back on actual television this year! But that doesn't exactly fill us with excitement or optimism. It's not like the last ten times that happened were anything less than a shame spiral.

March 30, 2015

Today I had no Fosters to watch, and I did take a stab at Days but I got distracted, and I know I get yelled at for not watching General Hospital if I'm in a soap mood, but news from that realm made me grumpy today. So B&B it was, despite no attention to the Maya storyline. So I won't say much, but I just couldn't let today's most hilarious dialogue go unaddressed.

Deacon (to Brooke Logan): You always were mysterious. Just... can't seem to get a read on you.

To Brooke. He said that to Brooke Logan.

Now listen, I enjoy Ms. Logan quite a bit. Even when she's being the absolute worst. In fact, I might enjoy her the most when she's being the absolute worst. But mysterious? No, ma'am. There are few humans on this Earth easier to read than Brooke Logan, bless her stallion-loving heart.

Even she didn't really seem to buy it.

Poor Deacon. He just thinks he and Brooke have this intense connection (as soap characters always do), and he's just baffled as to what's keeping them apart. So how is our ever-mysterious lady going to handle this? Is she going to take control of her life and find a way to be independent and live a life that doesn't revolve around a man?

Nah, y'all. C'mon. She's going to tell Deacon the only thing that's keeping them from being together is that he's engaged to Quinn.

This is absurd! A silly old engagement is keeping them apart? THAT'S NOTHING!

March 24, 2015

Well, today we finally got the big explanation about Maya's child. It was her boyfriend's daughter, and when her boyfriend got in trouble, Maya became the legal guardian. That... seems like a big fat retcon, but whatever. The kid had died before we ever even met Maya so I can just shrug this one off to "Soaps!"

It's a little strange that she keeps skipping over her time in prison when she's explaining things to Nicole. Everyone knows about that, right? She was wrongly convicted and eventually exonerated, so there's no huge shame around it. Obviously everyone at FC is well aware. And lord knows there are serious problems when it comes to how trans women are treated by the prison system, but maybe I'm asking too much of a daytime soap in terms of back story and realism. But why can't Maya explain a huge chunk of her absence in her sister's life by her prison sentence?! It seems pretty obvious.

(Can we talk about my huge relief that they finally moved to the couch for a bit? Let's just say that both of these actresses, uh, struggle with gesture. Maya generally makes none, and Nicole just makes the same awkward hand-flapping one. A lot. Get to know your arms, ladies! This is like Nina from the freakin' Seagull up in here.)

Anyway, of course they're revving up the whole "honesty" angle on this, with Nicole insisting that people would have respected her for being honest about who she was instead of disappearing to California (and of course Rick droning on and on about how much he respects her honesty and integrity) (I am reminded that he made out with Maya constantly when Caroline was supposed to still be his girlfriend, but okay Rickster). Maya astutely pointed out that Nicole herself had called her a "freak" and asked dozens of invasive questions about surgeries, etc., and that she just wanted to remove herself from that kind of situation and just live as a woman, since that's what she is. So really, once again, the language feels right. (Y'all can tell how terrified I still am that this is going to get so offensive.)

They are killing me a bit, though, with Rick raving on and on about how all designs at Forrester Creations should be tailored to Maya and her extreme "femininity," which I'm assuming is supposed to be some sort of dramatic irony. As if we're supposed to be thinking, "Femininity? HAHAHAHA little does he know!" and that's just the sort of nonsense I'm afraid of here. (It's not very successful dramatic irony when the woman they're talking about is, in fact, EXTREMELY FEMININE.) Not to mention the fact that almost everyone on the show pretty much loathes Rick right now (and surely for very good reason, it seems like he's been a dick as CEO), so it does feel a little like it's supposed to be some sort of poetic justice when he finds out he's dating a trans woman. That makes me nervous.

Look, I know this will not and cannot be perfect, and maybe I'm jumping the gun here and this storyline will actually end up a humanizing growth experience for Rick and any number of other characters! But I feel like every scene is on a landmine with this right now. I'M HAVING TRUST ISSUES, YOU GUYS!

As for the rest of it, Liam hates Rick for being a demanding boss to Ivy because he thinks it's a real blow to her self-esteem. Has he met anyone on this show? Does anyone but Pam have anything but a monumental ego? Anyway, I can't make myself care even if Rick is an asshole because Liam is... Liam. (Feel free to peruse the B&B archives on this site for hundreds and hundreds of ragey explanations for why Liam is a douchenozzle!)

March 23, 2015

Well. The season finale! Although ABC Family has weird seasons. This was technically 2B, but Season 3A starts in June? Anyway, here's a quick rundown.

Callie had dinner with the Quinns, meeting Robert's obnoxious father (played by Patrick Duffy!), who was a dick but did ask a relevant question of Robert: why is he trying to take Callie out of a loving home after everything she's been through? This led to a good heart-to-heart between Callie and Robert.

Callie: It's not that I don't love you. I do. It's just... the Fosters. They're home, they feel like home. No matter what, just know that I want you to be a part of my life, to be my Dad. Whatever happens, you can trust me, just know that. Honest.

Interrupted by a call from the lawyer! AND NOW ROBERT QUINN KNOWS SHE'S TRYING TO GET EMANCIPATED. Stef's FOOLPROOF plan has been thwarted! How could that have gone wrong, right?

Jude and his blue nails (seriously, they were like his version of putting on armor to go out into battle for self-actualization, it was flippin' awesome) went to the hospital and Connor's father still told him to scram and called Lena in on the case.

Connor's dad apparently doesn't care that Lena's son is gay, he just doesn't want his own son to be, but apparently just one significant look from Lena convinced him to relent and let Jude visit Connor at the hospital in a private room with a closed door. Eh, seems true. It would likely work on me!

Brandon was super-late to his twentieth-chance audition for Idyllwild because he was making out with Lou. And yet, he still got to play. They're still carrying over the results of this audition until next season. We'll all be rushing back in June, primarily for that!

Lena and Monte got a little tipsy on wine that Monte brought to celebrate a big grant the school got (wine in a public school seems definitely against district policy). Lena has basically changed her mind AGAIN about adopting Ana's baby (this is what happens when you decide to do something life-altering like ADOPTING A CHILD just because one of your teenage children wants you to and you don't want her to be bummed), and after getting a bit weepy about that and her messy marriage, Monte planted a big old kiss on her.

LENA KISSED HER BACK FOR 2.5 SECONDS, I COUNTED. Thankfully that was it. But that was enough.

We just have to address one thing really quickly. Somehow in all of last week's excitement, I hadn't noticed this particularly amazing thing in the background:

I'm sure everyone who actually watches the show regularly has gotten over what must have been an initial laugh riot, but it's all new to me! You should really be envying me, getting to experience this for the very first time!

Let's take a closer look:

I just want to give this set decorator a big fat hug and to tell him or her that this is a massive personal triumph.

That's al! It couldn't go unsaid.

Oh all right, I'll weigh in just a little on the follow-up to last week's big reveal that Maya was assigned male at birth, and that's why her family basically cast her out. They didn't get too far into it, just to have Maya confirm it, to say she's had surgery but isn't willing to go into specific details, and to talk a little about how she always knew she was a girl.

Maya: I had a medical problem that I needed corrected, so that my outside would match my inside. And for the first time I felt like me. For the first time I loved myself, and isn't that the point of living?

I am cautiously optimistic at this current moment that some effort is being made here to tell this story well. Her sister went through some of the requisite insults (and some characters should do that, obviously, as it would be unrealistic for all these judgmental busybodies to be accepting right off the bat, though some of them damn well better be!), but actually did seem interested in trying to understand a little better. Of course she hasn't exactly said, "Oh and now I'll stop blackmailing you!" but on soap operas, blackmail within the family is obviously often an act of great love. Naturally.

March 18, 2015

ALL RIGHT FINE. I was home sick today, so I caught the end of B&B and decided to watch the whole thing and recap it from the beginning. If you saw it, you'll know why it caught my interest!

So as far as I can tell, Brooke's an alcoholic and Deacon is trying to help her through it. Deacon, who is engaged to Quinn. And Katie and Bill got remarried (oh Katie, why?), and Katie wants Rick to talk to Brooke more often, and Maya's little sister Nicole thinks she has something on her and WANTS THE TRUTH.

And Maya's hair is very high.

Holy moly, y'all, CBS.com has about twice as many ads as the usual airing.

I've so missed how much time B&B always fills with their random establishing shots!

(The ferris wheel is clearly a metaphor for... Brooke's emotions?)

(This train is essential to the story in.... SO MANY WAYS!)

Anyway, I guess Nicole had been lying about being a student and lording something vague over Maya. I can't quite tell what their history is. They have to be estranged to some degree because when Maya showed up she definitely didn't have any family she could turn to, and Nicole seems to "suspect" a secret rather than something they both obviously know is true.

Wyatt is grilling Quinn about who Deacon is helping. My guess is she wouldn't be thrilled if she knew everything, especially since Brooke is feeling extra lonely right now and we know what Brooke jumps on when she's lonely (the nearest fella, and Deacon's pretty near). Anyway he's trying to talk her out of drinking, and as so often happens in soap operas, we get the obligatory scene where she just keeps holding up her drink and talking about how much it'll help her and he sort of follows her around the room trying to stop her.

And of course he has to toss all the booze in the house into the garbage.

Brooke looks appropriately devastated!

Okay, two things. First, for crap's sake, it's perfectly good liquor! As she's a richy-rich, I imagine it's the fancy kind, so they really ought to find the nearest person without a drinking problem and donate it! Second, he POURS IT OUT INTO A SMALL TRASH CAN. So now there is a leaking trash bag liner full of liquid in a little plastic trash bin. USE A DRAIN, DEACON. Use a drain. This is what they are for.

March 17, 2015

I'm seriously loaded up on DayQuil and Claritin and about thirty other things, so my brain's not working well enough to say much about last night's episode of The Fosters, but as my sappy love for this sweet, sentimental show is my main proof that I'm not 100% cynic and might even have a good heart in there somewhere, I have to at least check in. Right?

Thankfully, after last week's semi-debacle, the show had a steadier outing this time. Stef broke a few rules, but no laws. BABY STEPS, y'all! Speaking of steps, Connor only got shot in the foot. I shoot myself in the foot all the time, it's no big deal! (Nasty colds turn me into a ninety-year old who just loves puns and word play humor! HEAL ME PLEASE.) This is a huge relief, and pretty damn lucky for Taylor's father, who just randomly shoots a gun into the dark when he hears noises in a house he shares with his family. ("Doesn't California have a Stand Your Ground law?" asks Brandon, to which Stef replies, "Something like that." Well, that explains it perfectly, I guess everything's fine now!)

It appeared that Connor had blamed the whole thing on Jude to his dad, but in the loveliest reveal ever, we learn that Connor's dad is full of shit (we already knew that) and that was just his excuse to explain to Lena why Connor and Jude can no longer see each other. Because guess what Connor really told his father, as we found out later via Taylor's borrowed phone?

Yes! This is most excellent news!

It's not immediate good news for Jude and Connor's budding romance, of course, because Connor's father is NOT PLEASED. But it's good news for self-realization and honesty and truth and all that great stuff. Because this isn't just Connor coming out to his dad, it's Connor coming out to Jude, to Taylor, and most importantly to himself.

And so again I say: Yes!

In other news, Monte's on my list now. She's really not so bad, and she's been a good friend to Lena. Fine, fine.

And Lena's probably confided in her a little too much about hyper-personal stuff, and that's not her fault. But now she's outright flirting with Lena (while in the middle of telling her how she shouldn't date subordinates... so what's this?). And worst of all, she pulls that "Ugh, men are the worst, maybe I should try women, that would be so much easier" hogwash that the world is yet to be rid of. Monte, that is possibly the LITERAL WORST thing you can say to a lesbian when you're trying to be a friend.

Seriously, why do people say that? It's so obnoxious. (Frankly I don't think Sherri Saum really sold how annoyed Lena would be at that, but of course Saum doesn't really know this viscerally as in real life she's Mrs. Antonio Vega [aka Kamar de los Reyes], a gig most recently held by Jessica Buchanan and her thirty-five alters.)

And this is the perfect time for Monte to be moving in, too, because things are not pretty between the Adams-Fosters, though they don't really speak much to each other during this episode. Yet again, Stef springs some nonsense on Lena without running it by her by bringing Ana to stay at their home, I guess till the baby's born? STOP TAKING IN EVERYONE. Get a puppy!

Achoo!

Where was I? Oh. I enjoyed that Brandon was trying to teach Jesús to drive. I like Brandon in sibling mode, and the two of them often go half a season without interacting, so it's nice to see them act like brothers. And Jesús actually gave Brandon good advice about a girl! Will wonders never cease? Apparently it didn't occur to Brandon that he shouldn't just wait for Lou to stop being hurt that he bailed on the summer tour. It took the wisdom of Jesús to help him see the error of his ways. That's a real sentence.

March 11, 2015

Before I launch into watching the show and hammering out my real-time stream-of-consciousness reactions, I will give Y&R the same treatment I gave to DAYS last week. My history with the show: there was one summer at my grandmother's house that watched a few weeks' worth of episode. This was sometime in the mid-80s. I couldn't tell you much about storylines, but I vaguely recall a Nina/Danny/Cricket triangle. And some breaking up and reuniting between Victor and Nikki (are they still doing that dance?). I think there was an Ashley and a Lauren and a Paul. When I was that age, I was only allowed to watch 2 total hours of television per week, and I stuck with Y&R for a few months because it offered a loophole: CBS came in loud and clear on my radio. So I listened to it. Like it was some other century! Well, technically it was. It was some other millennium. I got radio fatigue after a while, though, since of course the show wasn't meant to just be heard and it was really tough to keep track of who was who and what was going on. The point is that it's been nearly 30 years since I followed the show at all, so I am jumping in mostly blind here. I'm frightened!

A man is angrily bursting into a room. He's drunk and someone is helping him to another room.

He's feeling guilty about something and wants to tell the police. A younger lady pops into the frame and wonders aloud what he means to confess to.

Oh! Cricket and Paul! Right? I know these characters!

They're talking to Dixie Martin, Cliff Warner, and Kelly Cramer!

It's old home week! (I have no idea who any of them are playing.) Cricket looks like someone took a mallet to her face. Dixie... oh, Kelly! I think her name is Kelly here. Kelly pretends that she lied about somebody named Phyllis being guilty of...something. She pretends that she lied to hang on to Jack. Cricket doesn't believe her, which is good because her lying is laughably bad. "Is somebody threatening you?" asks Paul. Kelly's eyes dart from side to side. Cliff Warner looks suspiciously over at... Victor! Who is poking at a smartphone in a nearby armchair, as you do.

Credits! Original song still intact! I dig it.

A blonde has a flashback to talking to some other girl about who killed... Austin, I think? And then another flashback to another girl yelling at her for sleeping with her husband. Blonde seems popular!

Okay so that other girl is at a cafe complaining to some dude that Abby slept with her husband. Oh! Okay, so Blonde is Abby. Got it. She opens her powder and someone spelled out "I know what you did" on the mirror! (I just watched Pretty Little Liars so got a little disoriented when there was no "-A." at the end of that.)

Cricket keeps talking about prosecuting people. I guess she's an attorney now? District Attorney or something? Anyway, Kelly is sticking to her story and getting slightly less awful at lying, as Victor looks on smarmily.

Drunk Guy's wife cheated on him, I guess? And he maintains that he's going to jail. Neil! His name is Neil!

March 10, 2015

The TV gods giveth, the TV gods taketh away. Hoo boy do they take away.

I don't want to even get to the worst part of it yet, I'll save that for last. It makes my tummy hurt too much. So let's start with the good stuff. I think there wasn't much good stuff. For once, though, Mariana's dance team subplot gave an episode some much needed levity when Callie, trying to be a supportive sister, auditioned for Mariana and Tia. And Mariana's big fat giant heart was too big to notice at first that Callie was a horrible dancer (although adorably horrible!), so she made the team. Thankfully they sorted this all out before the end of the episode, which also showed us that Emma is also an amazing dancer because she is superhuman and good at everything, which did not interest Jesus. Speaking of Jesus, we STILL DON'T KNOW if he's going to this military wrestling academy. The cursor moved about one space as his other siblings found out about the possibility. With all due respect, whether or not Jesus takes this scholarship is not an exciting enough story arc to last for half a season. I mean, it's Jesus. Let's get real here.

Speaking of annoyingly similar stories, we got about three hairs of movement on the big exciting WILL BRANDON GO TO IDYLLWILD OR NOT? plotlet in the form of this inexplicably eager and goofy dude showing up:

He's here to explain that Brandon lost his Idyllwild spot because he took too freakin' long to make a decision, but when Goofy here explained to them that he was indecisive because he was considering going on tour with his pop band, the folks in charge were so impressed that they invented a whole new spot for him at their academy! Except this time he has to audition!

This displeases Brandon! How come poor Brandon's life sucks so much! He breaks the law and never gets penalized, he breaks the rules and never gets punished, and he lets the clock run out on a phenomenal opportunity and gets a second chance for no reason at all! The heart bleeds, y'all, it really does. He's got it rough.

Speaking of people who have it rough, Monte is now in Stef's crosshairs. Stef does not appreciate the bonding that's been happening between Monte and Lena, so she is now going to kill her with passive-aggressive kindness.

Yup, yup, that's totally a sincere smile, you guys. Oh, and Monte rehired Timothy. Thank god. I know we were all terrified and worried about how that might play out.

So let's talk about some of the terrible, terrible decisions that happened in this episode. Stef has an (admittedly fairly clever) plan to adopt Callie by first getting her emancipated. That way, her biological father has no remaining claim to her custody-wise and she can go live with and get adopted by whoever the heck she wants. I'm going to suspend disbelief in terms of whether or not that whole scenario could really play out because this is TV and it's close enough to a neat loophole to make it interesting. But of course if she's going to get emancipated, she can't go living with Robert full-time right away. How will they solve this problem?

No problem, Robert will all of a sudden become wildly reasonable and say he doesn't want to rush things and Callie can stay with the Fosters till the end of the original waiting period! (There are some sads here about how the judge decides she still has to stay with Robert every other weekend, but frankly I can't see the horror in that. Seems fine.)

March 04, 2015

Well folks, I decided to watch Days of Our Lives today. So before I start live-blogging it (which really will just be recap since it's not like I'm posting in real time, but I don't know what else to call it), this is my relationship with the show: I have watched two episodes of it. Ever. Those two episodes were when Marlena was possessed by the devil. Or some other demon? I don't know but it was freakin' awesome. My point, though, is that I really am coming in knowing absolutely nothing. Running in soap circles means I know a few of the couples and a few of the names but truly not many. So bear with me, as I will probably get some names wrong or not know names at all or accidentally call them by names of characters they played on other shows or just identify them by the actors' names or just be all "this other middle aged white dude" about it. I don't know what I'm doing here. So this should be fun.

Ready?

Okay!

A blonde is flashing back to catching a young dude in bed with BLAIR DAIMLER, let's call her (no, let's not, I do know she's Eve on here but I had to get that out of my system) (any of you who ever read my OLTL posts know full well that Blair was my favorite character on that show, so let's all just face the fact that I'm biased in her direction here, especially if she's a bitch).

Apparently it was bad news for this blonde. I think this blonde is married to Scott Reeves. In real life, not on the show. I don't think he's on this show. Although he might be.

Some other blonde is flashing back to a friendly moment with Lucky Spencer Actor #3, Greg Vaughan, my second-favorite Lucky.

Dylan McKay's dad is talking to Kelly Taylor's ex-fiance and I can't really what they're talking about because Dylan McKay's dad has truly bizarre speech patterns. I wonder how many times this version of Dylan McKay's dad has come back from the dead. Just once on BH90210, I think. Sky's the limit on daytime, though.

Hey, it's Natalie Vega! (Notice how I am just going to pick my favorite last name for all the women, since all soap women have had like forty last names.)

Temporary Maxie Jones is coming to visit Eve. I think her name is Theresa? Lord this is going to confuse me. You know those two-hander plays where two actors play thirty-seven characters and you have to play mental olympics to keep up? That's what this is already feeling like.

Blonde is confronting.... JJ? To ask him why he did it. "It," I presume, being Eve. Which, have you seen her? Why is an explanation necessary? There's some brunette individual listening in, in plain sight since this is a soap and that's how we do.

Opening credits! Y'all, I could not be more psyched that they've kept their classic opening! That's so awesome! Did they ever try to do something cheesy-contemporary at any point and then go back?

Other blonde is monologue-ing to herself about how she doesn't have feelings for Eric, who I suppose is Greg Vaughan's character? Anyway, she's flashing back.... or having a fantasy. She's making out with some dark-haired guy who I think has been on this show forever.