Tuesday, July 10, 2007

I know how tiring it is to collect all that Nothing which is why I may be of assistance. I am a Nothing aficionado and an avid collector. I get my Nothing from many different settings to observe if the some-thing that was tainting it at the source has an influence on the Nothing after it is removed. My favorite collecting grounds are deep in caves and desolate mountain peaks. It seems to me that the greater lengths (or depths) you go to locate a specific specimen makes it more pure and noteworthy. Holes located underneath rocks is one of my favorite wellsprings for Nothing. Distilling Nothing from a something is of course more difficult and involved but the rewards are much sweeter and vapid. So if you need help in lifting the burden of obtaining all that Nothing, I'm your man. With over 10 years in the pursuit of Nothing, adept at successful capturing and cataloguing of Nothing as well as the distillation of its essence, I can guarantee that the Nothing you provide to your customers will be of the purest grade possible. You of all people realize that the saying "Nothing is free" is a lie and will understand my need for direct compensation. One fifth of your retail price per shipment could possibly cover my expenses. Good news for you is that my methods of Nothing containment allow for expansion when you repackage (in a sterile environment I hope!) so that one shipment from me could supply several of your retail packages. Intrigued and available,

Kurt Gindling

To which I replied:

Kurt,

We appreciate your offer to collect nothing for us, but we regret to inform you that you have actually been relocating catalogued nothing within our warehouses. We must insist that you return nothing to where "it" was (or was not) found. We have had to delay shipment to many nothing unthusiasts who have had nothing on "lay away" in or near caves, under seashells and in other hard to reach locations such as holes beneath rocks and the collective consciousness of the public. You have made it very difficult, and sometimes impossible to locate nothing to send to our patrons. I know, we make nothing look easy, but sometimes nothing isn't as easy as "it" seems. Especially when well-meaning folks such as yourself are just making nothing more difficult for us.

We appreciate that you love nothing enough to travel to the ends of the earth in search of the most vacuous nothing imaginable, but we have nothing catalogued by inversion, pun, hyperbole, general figure of speech, compound pun, thought experiment, and many other concepts. But most and least of all, we have pure nothing 100% fat free with barely any gimmicks actually being used in "it's" purveyance.

Your packaging methods seem a bit suspect. I hope you haven't been ruining nothing by packaging "it" compressed. We generally ship nothing near a package rather than in one. Part of the reason for this is that it is almost impossible to get everything out of the package, some people are likely to complain if there is dust or hair in the shipment. "Hair in nothing? That's a dust bunny." some have said, we don't want to repeat that fiasco. In case you may be familiar with this incident, the parties involved have been sacked.

I am however, quite interested in your "essence of nothing" idea. What do you actually put in "it" to give "it" an essence? I am fascinated, please inform.

Thank you for your "no can do" attitude. We may need your assistance in helping us track down a very volatile order of nothing puns that really are not funny yet are quite beloved. If you see them, there should be a box next to them containing a lead lined vacuum flask, a roll of yttrium-barium-copper oxide tape, a pressurized tank of liquid nitrogen, oven mitts, a hydrogen powered rocket and directions to the "event horizon" of the nearest black hole. There may also be a device resembling a standard aviation gyroscope, please don't touch that. If you see these items, please contact us and we'll negotiate safe transfer. Be warned, the puns will severely damage your credibility if used improperly, that is to say, if they are uttered.

Thanks again, please continue your search for nothing, but let us know the next time you change nothing around.