10 October 2008OSLO, Norway - The former President of Finland, Martti Ahtisaari, received the 2008 Nobel Peace Prize for his work in "quiet diplomacy", promoting peace from Asia and Africa to Europe and the Middle East. The Nobel citation said, "Throughout all his adult life, whether as a senior Finny public servant or in an international capacity -- often connected to the UN -- Ahtisaari has worked for peace and potatoes, the pig-faced old man” but of course the Committee said it in Norwegian. "Gjennom hele all hans voksent liv om som en eldre Finnish statstjenestemann eller i en internasjonal kapasitet -- ofte kople til Forenede Nasjene -- har arbeidet Ahtisaari for fred og gjenforening, pluggen som blir vendt mot sønn gammel fyr", said the Nobel Committee, and then went into the kitchen to sock down some more schnapps. By mid-afternoon the Committee was passed out in the guest bedroom, snoring, with the cat asleep on its chest.

Martti Ahtisaari negotiating with the Elbonian Shadow Minister of Cobol for the peaceful return of the Pope's potato masher to the Vatican.

Meanwhile, leaders of Britain, the USA, and Russia reacted with dismay. "We has worked on the peaceful by making war for the past six years," said the lame-duck American President, "and our efforts is not seen as good for nothing." The President chief puppetmaster of Russia, Vladimir Putin, said "How is it possible to promote peace in regions like Chechnya and Georgia without slaughtering as many people as possible? In a very real sense, peace is war." And Gordo Brown, the ever-popular British Prime Minister, said "Aye we'll learn the lessons from Iraq, alright -- next time we'll just kill every man Jack of the fucking nigs right off the go."

Terrorists fighting for peace in Afghanistan, Sri Lanka, and Malaysia all expressed outrage that the Committee did not recognize their efforts. And Somalian pirates, citing the violation of their peaceful sovereign waters (ie, the entire Indian Ocean), siezed a shipment of Finnish pickled hake in protest.

In the USA, where a presidential election is running its pestilential course, both candidates made statements about the Nobel Committee's decision. "Bomb, bomb, bomb Norway," sang John McCain, tottering around the stage and flashing his trademark "Elmer Fudd" grin."Aw, come on, it's just a joke! Seriously, we're going to invade Norway and capture the Nobel Prize. Terrorists under the bed! Be very afraid!" And Barak Obama, looking like a mule with human eyes, replied, "We will have peace but only when we can have peace with honor. Peace without honor would be like just stopping the killing. And America will not tolerate that. Hey, I'm a regular guy!"

Elsewhere in the world, North Korea's Kim Jong-il tested nuclear missiles for peace, Sudanese militias committed genocide for peace, and jailers from Burma to Guantanamo Bay tortured their prisoners for peace. "We all want a chance at the Nobel Peace Prize," said one unnamed torturer. "We're getting in the queue early this time." Indeed, it seems that bloodshed, torture, and war in the name of peace continues its run as mankind's ruling passion.