Tune In’s Guide to the 2010 Holiday Season

Is your heart feeling two sizes too small? Never fear! The holiday specials are here!

Clean out the chimney, dust off the stockings and warm up some eggnog! It’s that season when television, having spent a solid year feeding us reality programs with people yelling at one another that they are “not here to make friends!” gets all preachy and insists that we acknowledge the importance of love, family and being kind to one another. Hooray, hypocrisy holidays! As our gift to you, our dear readers with whom we hope we have made friends, we here at Tubular HQ have created a television calendar detailing every instance the Grinch’s heart swells to a normal size, every time Rudolph discovers a use for that nose, every time Ralphie very nearly shoots his eye out and every time an angel gets their wings. Don’t worry, we didn’t expect you to get us anything in return (but if you insist, some of the items from the Lost auction do appear to be available on ebay).

Click on any of the dates below to see which holiday specials, events and movies will air that day. This calendar will be updated as information becomes available:

The penguins have to save Christmas when Santa falls down on the job AGAIN. I swear, when we are resorting to flightless birds to save our most beloved holiday, it’s time to have a discussion about whether or not Santa is still up to this job.

I worry that on some distant planet aliens are picking up Hallmark’s broadcast signal and that they believe that on our planet orphans only need homes during the months of November and December and that angels always swoop in to help them find families to take them in.

ZOMG YOU GUYS, TWITCH FROM SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE IS GOING TO BE IN HOUSTON’S HOLIDAY PARADE!!!!! SQUEEEEEEEE!!!! Also some chick named Alyson Stoner from the Disney Channel but who cares BECAUSE TWITCH!!! That is totally worth waking up early, driving around for 45 minutes looking for parking, standing around in the wind downtown for a few hours and risking letting your stuffing burn while you’re gone, right? Or you could just watch it all on the teevees.

Daphne Zuniga is yet another successful woman who has to be taken down a peg or two to show her all the wonderful things in life she’s missing out on, like a husband and being a carpool mom. When will women ever learn?

Susan Boyle? Susan Boyle? Is this People of the Year 2009? I mean, Chilean Miner rescuer, no duh, but Susan Boyle? Also, Justin Timberlake? For his work on the new Yogi Bear movie? What kind of “People of the Year” special are you running here, Lauer?

So maybe it doesn’t have much to do with Christmas or Hanukkah or whatever holiday it is that Kung Fu Panda is celebrating, but it is a classic that airs only a few times a year, so yeah, watch this because it’s awesome.

The penguins have to save Christmas when Santa falls down on the job AGAIN. I swear, when we are resorting to flightless birds to save our most beloved holiday, it’s time to have a discussion about whether or not Santa is still up to this job.

So maybe it doesn’t have much to do with Christmas or Hanukkah or whatever holiday it is that Kung Fu Panda is celebrating, but it is a classic that airs only a few times a year, so yeah, watch this because it’s awesome.

CAUTION: THIS IS NOT THE SANTA CLAUSE. TIM ROBBINS ALLEN IS NOWHERE TO BE FOUND IN THIS SPECIAL. (Neither is Tim Robbins, to be fair.) Lea Thompson wants a break from her stressful life (Don’t we all, honey.) and changes places with a high-powered attorney. Note to Lea Thompson: Choosing less stressful lives, you’re doing it wrong.

Wait, what? Supposedly, this weird cross-over was made in 1982, and won two Emmys and yet I’ve never heard of it. No matter, it doesn’t seem to be particularly holiday related aside from the inclusion of the most infamous holiday-hater in literature outside of Ebenezer Scrooge.

Rob Lowe is in a film adaptation of that Christian song that Patton Oswalt mocked so hilariously (look it up on You Tube) about the little boy who wants to buy a pair of shoes for his dying mother. Bonus: if you paired the Christmas shoes with the above Santa suit, you’d have quite the outfit. A weird, cross-dressing Santa outfit.

ZOMG. The sequel to The Christmas Shoes, in which Doogie Howser finds himself in one of the most macabre and depressing situations ever involving a boy with a heart defect, a liver transplant and the Noxema Girl. Also, Rob Lowe is back. I’m now thinking that I’m going to be glued to Lifetime on this particular night.

Rob Lowe is in a film adaptation of that Christian song that Patton Oswalt mocked so hilariously (look it up on You Tube) about the little boy who wants to buy a pair of shoes for his dying mother. Bonus: if you paired the Christmas shoes with the above Santa suit, you’d have quite the outfit. A weird, cross-dressing Santa outfit.

ZOMG. The third in The Christmas Shoes trilogy, this one involves an orphan and parents who lost a teenage son in a car accident and Ian Ziering, who amazingly plays Doogie Howser now that NPH doesn’t need this gig, seeing as he has reclaimed his awesome. SO WATCHING THIS.

That lady from JAG? Is actually a witch? Who plans on getting married on Christmas Eve? But then there are complications? Probably because she’s a witch? And has no business getting married on Christmas Eve? I mean, wouldn’t Halloween have been more appropriate?

The reason to watch this, yet another version of A Christmas Carol is not to see Vanessa Williams play a diva. You can watch anything else she’s ever been in to do that. No, the reason to watch yet another version of A Christmas Carol is because John Taylor from Duran Duran plays the Ghost of Christmas Present.

Once again, Santa is letting us all down and not doing his job. Someone needs to call the Tooth Fairy and let her know that if she’s just able to do her job ONE DAY OF THE YEAR, a much better opportunity might soon be available to her.

I see what you did there: Christmas Eve/Eve’s Christmas. Clever. I was hoping that this was going to be rapper Eve’s Christmas special, but instead it’s just another movie about an ambitious career woman who finds happiness after she is brought down a peg or three.

Be honest. If Mario Lopez wandered into your place of business, and you happened to have a pair of handcuffs laying around, you’d kidnap him and bring him home for the holidays. Who wouldn’t? Even if it all ends with your entire family being arrested, it’d be worth it, right?

This is probably not about what you think it’s about. This Lifetime movie is actually about teen parenthood, and not about a young child (probably a boy) trying to get his parents back together and/or finding his mother a husband for Christmas. I’m just as surprised as you are.

Just like Deck the Halls — wait, not the Deck the Halls above with Gabrielle Carteris, but the Deck the Halls with Danny Devito — except without the star wattage. Oh yes, I did make that pun. High five.

ZOMG. The third in The Christmas Shoes trilogy, this one involves an orphan and parents who lost a teenage son in a car accident and Ian Ziering, who amazingly plays Doogie Howser now that NPH doesn’t need this gig, seeing as he has reclaimed his awesome. SO WATCHING THIS.

Three facts about this film: 1. it stars George Wendt as Santa Claus. 2. He has a dog named, wait for it, Santa Paws. 3. They are distraught because a magical “Christmas Icicle” is melting because global warming no one believes in Christmas anymore.

The reason to watch this, yet another version of A Christmas Carol is not to see Vanessa Williams play a diva. You can watch anything else she’s ever been in to do that. No, the reason to watch yet another version of A Christmas Carol is because John Taylor from Duran Duran plays the Ghost of Christmas Present.

Once again, Santa is letting us all down and not doing his job. Someone needs to call the Tooth Fairy and let her know that if she’s just able to do her job ONE DAY OF THE YEAR, a much better opportunity might soon be available to her.

Rudolph has to find Happy, the baby new year, before Eon does. “With the help of 1 Million B.C. and Sir 1023, and 1776, Rudolph searches through the islands of the Archipelago of Last Year and races against Eon to ensure a Happy New Year.” Seriously, what were the writers on when they came up with this one?

Once again, Santa is letting us all down and not doing his job. Someone needs to call the Tooth Fairy and let her know that if she’s just able to do her job ONE DAY OF THE YEAR, a much better opportunity might soon be available to her.

This is probably not about what you think it’s about. This Lifetime movie is actually about teen parenthood, and not about a young child (probably a boy) trying to get his parents back together and/or finding his mother a husband for Christmas. I’m just as surprised as you are.

Three facts about this film: 1. it stars George Wendt as Santa Claus. 2. He has a dog named, wait for it, Santa Paws. 3. They are distraught because a magical “Christmas Icicle” is melting because global warming no one believes in Christmas anymore.

The third in The Christmas Shoes trilogy, this one involves an orphan and parents who lost a teenage son in a car accident and Ian Ziering, who amazingly plays Doogie Howser now that NPH doesn’t need this gig, seeing as he has reclaimed his awesome. SO WATCHING THIS.

ZOMG. The sequel to The Christmas Shoes, in which Doogie Howser finds himself in one of the most maudalin and depressing situations ever involving a boy with a heart defect, a liver transplant and the Noxema Girl. Also, Rob Lowe is back. I’m now thinking that I’m going to be glued to Lifetime on this particular night.