Sunday, November 11, 2007

Placement Tips

The placement season is about to begin. And its time for yet another of my ‘help the fellow beings’ post. So be afraid. Be very afraid.

Now we all know Hollywood movies are immensely popular in the campus. Many a day have passed watching the numerous classics in our dark rooms and then brooding for hours over the brilliant performances we had just witnessed. No doubt, it has had an effect on our personas. Hence one isn’t surprised when some one smartly quotes memorable movie lines in the course of a conversation.

But playtime’s over folks. Most of you will be giving you job interviews in a few weeks. These interviews will be crucial and all of you will be trying to make an impression. But we have to ensure that doesn’t end up with you making a fool of yourself.

One very common fallacy is quoting the Hollywood greats during an interview. As long as they are placed well, its fine. If not, then asta-la-vista to the job, baby!

I, very generously took out time from my busy schedule of visiting ATMs and investing in foreign currencies and compiled a list of probable interview gaffes which might occur if one is in his/her Hollywood mode. Here goes.

Catastrophic Starting Lines.

“Yippe-ki-yay motherfucker!”

“Today, I consider myself the luckiest man in the world”- will not earn brownie points in your first Mckinsey interview

“Ever since I remember, I always wanted to be a gangster”- when asked to tell about yourself.

“Show me the money.”

“Heeere’s Johhny!”- a tad too euphoric a way of entering the interview room.

“Do I make you horny baby?”

During the Interview- The Don’ts

“Frankly dear, I don’t give a damn”- a reply to the question whether you would like to know about your job profile.

“I am big. It’s the courses which got small.”- when asked to explain the low CG.

“You can’t handle the truth!”- on asked why you have applied for a finance job inspite of doing no relevant courses.

“I will have what she’s having”- pointing to the second lady interviewer when asked what pay package you expect.

“I have always depended on the kindness of strangers”- when asked why you expect to get the job.

“ I am going to make him an offer he cant refuse”- when asked how you will convince a prospective client.

“ I love the smell of weed in the morning”- when asked to describe your day.

“The prof always said that the course was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you gonna get.”- when asked to explain the erratic grades.

“I see dead people”- when asked to talk about your talents.

“You are trying to seduce me. Aren’t you?”- in reply to a tough core question.

“You make me want to be a better metallurgist”- During Tata Steel interview.

“They may take my degree but they will never take my freedom”- on why you are a 5/4

“Et cetra et cetra et cetra”- second line when speaking about yourself.

About Me.

I am an avid procrastinator and work for evil corporations in my free time. Have always championed the cause of the average and want to root out brilliance wherever I see it. I am a virtual distance running champion and play real-life counter strike pretty well. My ambitions include making spinach popular, teaching Chinese, buying real estate in the Helmand province, direct a movie about N D Tiwari, perform a lobotomy on Glen Beck, have an IIT named after me, invent a cuisine and strike oil in Bangalore. I have almost accomplished most of the above.