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What is kindness? If anyone should happen to be very kind to us, should we have any reason to ask for more? The modern man boasts of this very virtue, that he is kind. And with that kindness, we have made the erroneous assumption that kindness itself is love. But is it? In the book “The Problem With Pain”, C.S. Lewis made a very enlightening discussion about what mere kindness means and how different it really is from love:

Love Is Not The Same As Kindness

“There is kindness in Love: but Love and kindness are not coterminous, and when kindness (in the sense given above) is separated from the other elements of Love, it involves a certain fundamental indifference to its object, and even something like contempt of it. Kindness consents very readily to the removal of its object – we have all met people whose kindness to animals is constantly leading them to kill animals lest they should suffer. Kindness, merely as such, cares not whether its object becomes good or bad, provided only that it escapes suffering.”

Lewis explained that kindness is merely interested in taking away the suffering of another. Love on the other hand, is interested in the good of his beloved, even if that good should mean that the beloved suffer temporary pain.

How many times have we questioned God’s love for us because He did not appear to be kind? In times of trial and darkness, when His kindness seems so far away, we all too easily doubt He ever loved us. For how could He allow us to suffer so much if He really cares?

But God cares. And more than being kind, He is Love itself, a Love that wills us to be just like Him, a Love that wants us to be strong, steadfast, sensitive to the needs of others, able to empathize with and help those who are in pain.

It’s Easy To Be Kind Without Sacrifice

Lewis further explained how man can so easily boast of kindness as though it is something that is difficult to do:

“The real trouble is that ‘kindness’ is a quality fatally easy to attribute to ourselves on quite inadequate grounds. Everyone feels benevolent if nothing happens to be annoying him at the moment. Thus a man easily comes to console himself for all his other vices by a conviction that ‘his heart’s in the right place’ and ‘he wouldn’t hurt a fly’, though in fact he has never made the slightest sacrifice for a fellow creature.”

“Perhaps my harping on the word “kindness” has already aroused a protest in some readers’ minds. Are we not really an increasingly cruel age? Perhaps we are: but I think we have become so in the attempt to reduce all virtues to kindness. For Plato rightly taught that virtue is one. You cannot be kind unless you have all the other virtues. If, being cowardly, conceited and slothful, you have never yet done a fellow creature great mischief, that is only because your neighbour’s welfare has not yet happened to conflict with your safety, self approval, or ease.”

In the event of conflict between our neighbor’s welfare and our own interests, are we willing to make the necessary sacrifice for the good of the other? If we truly love them, we will be able to do so, for love is not a disinterested act of philanthropy or random kindness towards those you don’t care deeply about. Love is a consuming fire!

Intimacy Reveals True Love and Kindness

Why is it that there are people who seem to be so kind to others and yet so strict with those whom they love? Aside from the possibility of hypocrisy, these people find it easier to be kind with others because they don’t care so much at all for them as much as they care for their own family and friends. Lewis wrote:

“It is for people whom we care nothing about that we demand happiness on any terms: with our friends, our lovers, our children, we are exacting and would rather see them suffer much than be happy in contemptible and estranging modes. If God is Love, He is, by definition, something more than mere kindness. And it appears, from all the records, that though He has often rebuked us and condemned us, He has never regarded us with contempt. He has paid us the intolerable compliment of loving us, in the deepest, most tragic, most memorable sense.”

It is not that we should be unkind to our loved ones. We just find it more difficult to do so because we feel a greater urge deep within us to seek for their good, not just to gain their pleasure or to see them happy at the moment.

“You asked for a loving God: you have one. The great spirit you so lightly invoked, the ‘lord of terrible aspect’, is present: not a senile benevolence that drowsily wishes you to be happy in your own way, not the cold philanthropy of a conscientious magistrate, nor the care of a host who feels responsible for the comfort of his guests, but the consuming fire Himself, the Love that made the worlds, persistent as the artist’s love for his work and despotic as a man’s love for a dog, provident and venerable as a father’s love for a child, jealous, inexorable, exacting as love between the sexes.” – C.S. Lewis

There are reasons why God allows some things to happen in our lives, even those that seemed like very dark times for us.

For example, one reason why we find it so hard to forget a previous relationship is that we can’t accept the fact that it could all just end that way and all our efforts, all our time, all our tears and suffering had just gone to waste.

God wastes nothing however, especially our tears. We don’t know the end yet, especially within the broad perspective of eternity.

The other person may not appreciate everything you have done for him now, but it is certain that you have made an impact in his life. That impact will play a part in the grander scheme of things.

You’ll never know how he shall one day remember everything that has been done for him, how he was loved. At present, he may really feel such a deep craving to be loved but fears so much to be abandoned such that he consequently pushes away those who desire to love him.

But if you were able to show that person that you have been there for him at one point in his life, one day, God may let him see all the blessings sent his way, including the people who loved him even though his heart was still closed and unable to receive the love being offered him.

Here is one reason why at times, a partner falls out of love despite everything that the other person has done for him: It’s not always in how much the other person has accomplished for him, for such only puts a burden of obligation upon his shoulders. What’s more important to him is the person that she is, the person she has become!

Has she become cold and concerned only about the household chores? Has she forgotten her inner child? Has she forgotten how to laugh? Has she forgotten how beautiful she really is?

We sometimes have a tendency to forget ourselves and to set aside our needs in order to care for other people. This is not bad! But we must remember that the most important gift we could ever give to the world is to be the best of who we are. It’s our very presence that should stir joy and inspiration in their hearts, not merely the things that we do.

Think about our relationship with God. God gives us many things – food to eat, clothes to wear, friends to talk to, activities to enjoy, dreams to achieve, missions to accomplish. But though these things be good and many, not one of them could ever compare to the Giver of them all. Even if we could have His gifts, our happiness wouldn’t be complete without His Very Presence, the Gift of Himself.

We don’t seek God in order to have the world, we seek God because if we have Him, we wouldn’t need anything more!

For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning. Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun, So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth. – Kahlil Gibran

We’ve heard so many people warn us that we shouldn’t love like that, that we should reserve some love for ourselves just in case. It seemed practical, but it certainly didn’t sound romantic. If love is like that, what’s the use of it? How could it be love? And so we ignored these things and we fell in love, and then our hearts got broken and we remembered everything they told us about. Was it wrong to have given up everything in the name of love?

The answer is yes and no.

We’re not wrong to think that love should be all-consuming, and that we dare sacrifice everything for it. It’s the people and things we gave our hearts to that’s wrong, because only God deserves such kind of love.

“‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ – Matthew 22:37-39

Our love for God should be first. Our love for others, even our most special beloved, should only be second. Why? Because people are not perfect. No matter how much we love others, we still fail sometimes, we still hurt those whom we love the most. Expecting perfect things from imperfect people isn’t romantic, it’s foolish.

The reason we need to be guided first by our love for God is that God’s love should be able to fill us first. If not, we crave for so much love that nobody on earth could realistically be able to give it to us.

Nobody could stay with us 24 hours in a day. Even our partners would certainly have something else to do. Nobody could enjoy the same things with us all the time. We’d have different interests and different ways of spending our days. We’d have different ways of expressing love, and of receiving it. Most of all, nobody could fully read our hearts. Only God knows the deepest yearnings of our soul, and only He could fulfil them.

Giving up everything for imperfect people is actually not being able to give them the best you could possibly give them. Will giving up our self respect help others? Will giving up our conscience be a true sign of love? The best that we could give others is the best of who we are, and who else knows how to achieve that but God?

Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself.
But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:
To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;
To rest at the noon hour and meditate love’s ecstasy;
To return home at eventide with gratitude;
And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.-Kahlil Gibran

I’ve realized that in order for a relationship to work, both parties must be willing and interested to work out the relationship. It can never work when only one person cares about it.

This is the reason why God respects our freewill, because He doesn’t want to force us just to love Him back. It can never work out that way. Even if God is all too willing to give us the best things, His love wouldn’t be able to form a relationship with us unless we are willing to receive that which is being given us.

Even The Sincerest Affection Can Be Ignored

In human relationships, our love, no matter how sincere it may be could also be rejected or ignored. Though we do not love as unconditionally as God loves, we have a certain capacity to go on loving another person even if that person doesn’t love us back. Still, without being able to respond to our love, a relationship is not truly forged, and both could not reap the sweet fruits of a truly meaningful and mutual relationship.

Why We Fall For Another Person

It can happen that we fall in love with a certain person because we see something beautiful in him, something he may not even see in himself. Seeing this beauty that we may also have failed to find or develop in ourselves, we transfer all our love to that person who has it, and that person becomes our world, the very meaning of our lives.

Why The Relationship Doesn’t Work

That person however may not support us back, he may not even love himself the way we love him. Thus, his actions do not produce a return flow of love either towards himself or towards us. He is like a cistern with many holes that never gets filled, and that never really gets happy and satisfied.

For this reason, we don’t feel satisfied too, for all that we want is his happiness, for we have anchored our happiness upon his.

One question would be, “Why does he still maintain the superficial relationship if he doesn’t care so much about it?” Maybe he still derives some benefit from it, like someone who can always listen to his complaints or someone who could keep him company or maybe he just feels obliged somewhat to return the favor.

But he is not as attached to the relationship as the other person is because he may not have seen the beauty in the other person to really capture his heart. His heart may also be closed such that he can’t accept anybody in it. Or he could have a lot of filters, he wants some form or type of love which the other person couldn’t offer him.

Not having found his pearl of great price, he has the tendency to desert the relationship anytime. Note that even while he is in the relationship, he is not happy and is not able to avail of the full benefits of the relationship. He could then threaten to leave anytime whenever he finds another relationship that gives him the same benefits or even more, or whenever he already feels uncomfortable, irritated or guilty by being unable to meet the demands of the other person.

Do you have a true relationship with both people mutually working out for its good?

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