A stay at home dad just trying not to f#ck up

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The midlife crisis is like a second puberty. We all go through it, some people just handle it more gracefully than others. My approach involves watching teen vampire dramas and drinking whiskey. Lots of whiskey. See all the details at Paste Magazine.

There are a number of reason why I love Halloween more than Christmas. That pink bunny suit up there is one of them. Others involve open container laws and excessive cleavage. Head over to Paste Magazine to see the full list.

If you Google, “rainy day activities for kids” you’ll get a ton of suggestions from Pinterest Parents like, “design your own cooperative learning board game!” Or “build your own theater stage and puppets using only up-cycled materials!” Or my favorite, “make your own paper!”

Fuck you Pinterest. I don’t want to make my own paper.

I’m sure there are thousands of wholesome, nurturing ideas out there where your kids can spend an entire rainy afternoon expressing their feelings through leaf and stick art. A small part of me wishes I were a Pinterest Parent who kept drawers of popsicle sticks, egg crates and scraps of whimsical fabric on hand so we could make a “real working miniature windmill farm” when the mood strikes us, but apparently, I’m not that kind of parent. The only time I’m ever going to suggest we “make our own clothes!” is if the outlet mall down the road catches fire. I don’t care how many exclamation points you put behind the parenting tip, I’m not gonna “turn used toilet paper rolls into rainy day robots!”

But I do have some great rainy day ideas for the other kind of parents out there. The kind of parents who often find themselves justifying the decision to order Chinese takeout instead of cooking at home. (For the record: Ordering Chinese isn’t just a meal, it’s a cultural experience.) The kind of parents who maybe have to get a little fucking work done while they watch their kids on a rainy day. The kind of parents who want to track down all of those Pinterest over achievers and tie knots in their yarn supply.

So here you go, here are the four most common rainy day activities that take place at Casa de Daddy Drinks.

Poke Each Other In The Eye

The great thing about this activity, is you don’t have to buy a bunch of expensive materials. Most kids already have everything they need to do it—two eyes and one finger. The way my kids play it, is they get into a fight over something really, really important, like who’s taking up more room on the couch, and then one of them pokes the other one in the eye. It seems to settle the argument pretty quickly. You’d think this activity wouldn’t take up that much time, but you’d be surprised how often my kids can play this simple game. Over and over, all throughout the day. Plus, it often leads to an auxiliary rainy day craft: “Make your own eye patches!”

Argue Over Which Episode Of Barbie To Watch

First, if you’re not binge watching Barbie: Life in the Dreamhouse on Netflix, your life is empty. You may not know your life is empty, but trust me, there’s a big damn whole in your soul that only Barbie can fill. This is easily the best-written show on TV. Barbie and her friends exist in this bizarre, post-modern plane of existence where they’re oddly self aware about their limited, but fabulous nature as dolls. Hilarity ensues.

So yeah, my kids argue over which episode to watch (“Amaze Chase” or “Bad Hair Day”). Then someone gets poked in the eye.

Yell!

It can be tempting to set your kids up with an activity and then let them play alone while you take care of neglected housework, or try to meet a deadline, or hate-ogle Pinterest. But I’m a firm believer in interacting with your children. Yelling has become our go-to activity on rainy days! The best part of this activity, is that there are so many reasons to yell at your children. Here are few ideas to get you started:

1) Did your kids eat all of their lunch? Really? All of it?

2) Where do they put their shoes after they take them off?

3) Are they poking each other in the eye too much?

Butt Wrestling

This is a lot like thumb wrestling, except the kids use their butts to wrestle instead of their thumbs. Here’s how you play: Two kids get in the center of the carpet, facing away from each other, bent over and balancing on their hands and feet. They then proceed to try to knock each other over with their butts.

The kids came up with this one on their own, and there doesn’t seem to be any clear winner or loser in the battle. Just a lot of giggling and probably some therapy bills down the road. Oh, and both kids have to make light saber noises throughout the entire battle. Every time one of them lands a butt strike, light saber noise. That’s the only rule I can discern. It sounds ridiculous, but this is the happiest my kids have been today. And it’s the only time they weren’t poking each other in the eye.

Alright, so I took about a year off from this little project where I systematically embarrass my wife and children. I could say I was busy with work, but let’s be honest–I spent most of the year binge watching retro episodes of My Little Pony and G.I. Joe. I’m kicking it back into gear, though, starting with a regular column at Paste Magazine, where I’m the Drink Editor (see, I do have a job. Sort of.)

Check out the first installment where I talk about the need to drink while chaperoning school field trips. Share it with your friends. Tell my boss how much you love it. If you have constructive criticism, please send it directly to the complaint department, which can be reached at suckit@gmail.com.

Thanks for sticking with me. Stay tuned for more updates and shenanigans.

So I’m wrestling two ridiculous problems right now. I have my share of normal problems like deadlines and a conspicuous lack of funds in my bank account and a piss-poor mile PR and absolutely nothing to cook for dinner that my kids will eat, but the two problems that are currently demanding a lot of time and energy on my part are absolutely, utterly ridiculous.

Problem Number 1: There are zombies in the toilet.

At least, that’s what my daughter thinks. So she’s too scared to go to the bathroom alone. Instead, she forces me, or her mom or her brother, to come into the bathroom and watch her. “Because if you don’t come with me, the zombies will crawl out of the toilet and bite me.”

Obviously, this problem is a holdover from Halloween.

I’ve tried using adult logic (“but, zombies aren’t real”) and I’ve tried using kid logic (“but, I used the special zombie cleaner when I scrubbed your toilet this week”) but nothing works. So going to the bathroom is now a group activity. Awesome.

Problem Number 2: We’ve lost our Elf on the Shelf.

We moved. Apparently, our Elf didn’t move with us. At first glance, this seems like an easy problem to fix. Go buy a new Elf on the Shelf. The kids will never know the difference, right? That’s what I thought, too. The problem is, our original Elf on the Shelf was one of the Vaguely Ethnic Elves. He’s not black, but he’s not white. He could be Hispanic or maybe Middle Eastern or even Asian. I don’t know, I feel uncomfortable even trying to guess at the Elf’s ethnicity.

The point is, he’s definitely more tan than the standard Elf on the Shelf, which is great. We follow a strict “White Man’s Guilt” approach to race issues in our house, meaning we ignore race altogether. I’d like to say we originally purchased the Vaguely Ethnic Elf to teach our kids a lesson about race, but the fact is, I picked up the first Elf I saw in the store two years ago without realizing it was Vaguely Ethnic and then my wife and I debated for five minutes in the store about whether or not putting Vaguely Ethnic Elf back and getting White Elf would be racist. Then we felt racist and guilty just because we actually thought about putting the Vaguely Ethnic Elf back on the shelf…

So we have…nay…had a Vaguely Ethnic Elf on the Shelf, and we spent the last two years ignoring his race and all was right in the world. The problem is, I go to the store to replace this Elf and all I can find in the God damn store is White Elf. Boxes and boxes of White Elf. There’s a Girl Elf now, which is awesome, bully for women’s elf rights, but my kids are expecting a super tan elf to show up and judge their actions for the next 20 some odd days. Not a Girl Elf and not a White Elf.

Or maybe not? Maybe our kids never noticed their Elf was Vaguely Ethnic? Maybe our complete ignorance of race has worked and now our kids literally don’t see color? Or shit, maybe that means they’re even more racist because they can’t see the beauty and differences of different ethnicities. Jesus Christ. There should be a manual.

Meanwhile, I’m wandering around the store looking in every aisle for a Vaguely Ethnic Elf because I don’t want to ask the store clerk if they carry an Elf that’s, “you know, darker than this elf?”

Like I said, I’ve got plenty of problems right now, but the ones I’m mostly concerned with are utterly ridiculous.

Thing That Pisses Me Off Today: Single Serve Napkin Dispensers. Those stingy, waste-reducing contraptions that only allow you to get one goddamned napkin at a time. In theory, I love them. Who doesn’t want to save the planet and all that crap? But in reality, I’m eating out with two five year olds who were obviously raised by monkeys because they think utensils are only for stabbing and show their emotions by throwing food. I’m gonna need a rain-forest worth of napkins here people. A rain forest. And if ketchup is involved with the meal (and let’s be honest, ketchup is always involved with the meal) you may as well go ahead and bring out the hose.

Being a stay at home dad is weird. People ask me all the time what it’s like to stay home with my kids while my wife contributes to the Gross National Product every day, and the best way I can describe it is, “weird.” Not because I’m a man and she’s a woman—that’s not the weird part. The truth is, I know lots of stay at home dads. (We call ourselves SAHD’s. Pronounced “sad.”) I live in the “Valley of Dudes” where women work and men cook and change diapers. We all have beards, rarely wear closed-toed shoes, and find good excuses to get together and drink beers in the afternoon. Suck it, dudes with jobs!

There’s nothing weird about that. What’s weird, is hanging out with two five year old kids all day, everyday. Let me explain.

Being a stay at home dad is…

…A lot like being a camp counselor. I spend a lot of time teaching my kids how to ride their bikes or swim. For most of our activities, the kids need to wear protective helmets. In the afternoons, I try to keep them from launching frogs off of homemade catapults.

Being a stay at home dad is…

…Being surprised and a little ashamed by how much you like watching My Little Ponies.

Being a stay at home dad is…

…Having your pockets full of rocks, flowers and half eaten cookies. All the fucking time.

Being a stay at home dad is…

…Writing angry letters to McDonalds because they put these huge damned holes in the top of their milkshake lids that are five times bigger than they should be. Why McDonalds? Why such big holes? So my kids can more easily paint the interior of my mini van with their strawberry milkshakes?

Being a stay at home dad is…

…Convincing yourself that your kids are old enough to watch The Goonies so that you can spend a Tuesday afternoon watching The Goonies.

…It’s having a bubble wrap dance party. Step 1) put a bunch of bubble wrap on the floor. Step 2) Play Madonna.

Being a stay at home dad is…

…Catching your kids in the midst of doing something diabolical, like, say, walking out on the back deck with a chair, a bucket full of water and some rope. And they won’t give you a straight answer as to what exactly they’re going to do with the chair, rope and bucket of water. They just keep telling you not to worry. “It’s healthy.” You will thwart similar diabolical plans at least seven times a day.

Being a stay at home dad is…

…Calling out for your daughter 13 times a day, only to find her dancing and singing in front of a mirror. Every. Single. Time.

…Making three separate meals every night because one kid thinks she’s a vegetarian, the other is on a strict Paleo diet, and your wife will only eat food that’s orange.

…It’s creating elaborate sticker charts that reinforce “good” behavior but really, are just designed to make your life easier. Get daddy a beer from the fridge—get a sticker. Walk on daddy’s back—get a sticker. Mow the lawn but tell mommy that daddy mowed the lawn—get a sticker.

Being a stay at home dad is…

…Riding your daughter’s pink scooter through the neighborhood all by yourself, so she can ride that same scooter home from school. Like a boss. Then googling “adult scooters” while you wait for your kids to get out of school because you had so much fun riding the pink scooter, but you’re a grown ass man, so you think you should have a scooter that’s suitable for a grown ass man. Something with skulls on it or naked lady mud flaps.

Being a stay at home dad is…

…Getting a manicure on rain days while reading comic books and drinking a beer. #glitterfingers.

Being a stay at home dad is…

…Trying to figure out if I should get frustrated or be proud when my daughter signs her name for a school paper but gets distracted mid signature and spends five minutes turning the “i” into a pony.

Being a stay at home dad is…

…finding new places to hide the glitter glue, which is the bane of my existence. How do they keep finding the damn glitter glue?

Being a stay at home dad is NOT…

…a job. Don’t let anyone tell you taking care of the kids all day is a job. That’s bullshit. As far as I can tell, people get paid for jobs. I receive no monetary compensation for my hours of toil. Will I get a gold watch when my kids go to college? What’s the pension like? Do I get two weeks off every year? Hell no. Being a stay at home dad is work, but it’s not a job.