Dating after a spouse's death: Finding love again might not be for everyone, but here's how to know if you are ready

Katie Rausch | Jackson Citizen PatriotAudrey Duncan, 69, and Herman Stover, 77, are planning to be married Jan. 1. The Pleasant Lake couple met on an online dating website for seniors. "At our age, we don't want to wait," Duncan says. "Why should we wait a year to get married when we know that we want to be together?"

By Linda HassFor the Citizen Patriot

After 25 years of marriage, the prospect of dating terrified Philip Bumb of Jackson, whose first wife died in 1997. But after nine months of grieving and adjusting to his new life as a single man, Bumb decided to stick his toe back into the dating pool.

“I had been out of it for so long, I had no idea what to wear, where to go and even silly things like should I open the door. It was overwhelming,” Bumb says.

In 2000, after a few dates, the then-55-year-old met Marie, a widow of the same age, at a neighborhood party. They discovered they had a lot in common and agreed on a dinner date — the first for Marie since the death of her husband in 1991.

“I felt like a kid playing dress-up. It was nerve-wracking, but we had a lot in common, and it didn’t hurt that he had a beautiful convertible,” she says, chuckling.

Their relationship shifted into high gear soon after that, culminating with marriage the same year.

Today, Philip and Marie Bumb, both 68, serve as grief facilitators for Allegiance Hospice, helping others come to terms with the loss of a loved one.

“It’s normal to feel lonely and to feel overwhelmed at times,” says Cox, a licensed master’s social worker who leads support groups for those experiencing loss — either by death or divorce.

Although everyone deals with loss in their own way and timetable, there are steps widows and widowers can take to facilitate the process and eventually get back into the dating scene, if desired, experts say.

1. Acknowledge your loss

Take time to acknowledge your loss. “Let the grieving process unfold, so you don’t jump into a rash decision,” says Dawn Brandell, bereavement counselor for Great Lakes Home Health and Hospice in Jackson.

Positive forms of expression include writing in a journal or diary and joining a support group, says Brandell, who has a master’s degree in counseling and leads support groups for those experiencing loss.

2. Assess your needs

Dating or marriage might not be for everyone, but for those who are so inclined, begin by assessing your needs and finding appropriate outlets, experts say.

For example, if you are looking for a platonic friend, consider attending one of the many activities at the Jackson County Department on Aging rather than hitting the bars.

“It’s a misconception that if you replace your mate, all will be well,” Cox says.

If you want to date, do it for the right reasons, not to hide pain, she says.

3. Determine if you are ready to start dating

How soon should you start dating? “It depends,” Cox says. “Grief is an emotion that comes with no boundaries or time tables. Don’t listen to people who say ‘you are dating too soon’ or ‘you need to wait longer.’ You’ll know it’s right when you have a peace in your soul about it.”

Herman Stover of Pleasant Lake knew the time was right when he began to yearn for companionship. His wife of 13 years died in 2009 after an extensive illness.

Stover, now 77, served as the sole caregiver. He shared his loneliness with his family, who, in turn, encouraged him to connect with other singles through an online dating site for seniors.

It was through that site that Audrey Duncan met Stover. Duncan, whose husband of 47 years died in 2008 after a prolonged illness, discovered she shared many interests, including a love of country music and a taste for oysters. In March, they arranged to meet for dinner, and it was love at first sight, they say.

Once you’ve determined you are ready to date, broaden your social circle by joining groups that revolve around an interest or a hobby. Also consider volunteering or getting involved in a community of faith.

For seniors, Jackson offers a social smorgasbord — from aerobics and drop-in euchre at the Boos Recreation Center, operated by the City of Jackson Parks and Recreation Department, to dances coordinated by the Department on Aging.

Get connected

For seniors, the Jackson area offers plenty of ways to “broaden your social circle.” Consider contacting the following:

• Jackson County Department on Aging, 788-4364.

• Boos Recreation Center, 788-4064.

“These kinds of activities provide seniors with a great way to fit in. Conversation comes easier when you’re surrounded by others having fun,” says Kristy Smith, director of the Department on Aging.