Inside the political steel cage

* Today we celebrated Arch Nemesis Producer Jim’s birthday. Sadly, he did not eat the cupcakes I baked for him. Horse laxative is expensive and it was a bear to mix it in with all that chocolate frosting. Oh, well. Revenge can wait.

* Executive Producer Wendy informed us that today, she’s taking “fancy classes.” Is that a course where they give you a top hat, cane and monocle and everyone stands around looking like Mr. Peanut? I am confused. Will she come in tomorrow waving a handkerchief at us?

* Hands-down, today’s best story was the three remaining presidential candidates calling each other out on WWE Smackdown. (Video here)

First, watch that video. Now, let’s critique the three, shall we?

Hillary: “Hi, I’m Hillary Clinton. But tonight, in honor of the WWE, you can call me HillRod. This election is starting to feel a lot like King of the Ring. The only difference: the last man standing, may just be a woman.”

Commentary – “HillRod”? Is that some kind of joke? Why not “Rowdy Rodham Piper”? And what is this “King of the Ring” you reference? Is it a movie? A song? The only thing worse than Hillary’s material was her dead-eyed delivery. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the Stepford Candidate.

Obama: “To the special interests who’ve been setting the agenda in Washington for too long – and to all the forces of division and distraction that have stopped us from making progress for the American people – I’ve got one question: Do you smell what Barack is cooking?”

Commentary – Better, but too campaign-y. In wrestling smack-talk, you want to intimidate your opponent, not talk about the general state of affairs. But Obama gets kudos for a little more animation and a good reference to The Rock’s catchphrase. Too bad he didn’t cock his eyebrow in true Rock fashion.

McCain: “Looks like Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama want to settle their differences in the ring. Well, that’s fine with me. Let me tell you, if you want to be the man, you have to beat the man. Come November, it will be game over. And what are you going to do when John McCain and all his McCainiacs run wild on you?”

Commentary – Call the fight! We have a winner. If you watch the video, you’ll see McCain does it right. He’s got the swagger, he almost points at the camera, he grimaces. And best of all, he comes up with a nickname for his fans. How sweet is “McCainiacs”? I want a T-shirt that says that. And then I’d rip it off and howl at the moon when McCain enters the ring to dish out a beatdown to these pretenders.

My vote was undecided until this morning. The world would fear John McCain because of his superior smack-talk skills. Hillary couldn’t intimidate a muffin.

* Speaking of scary, the Army and Marines let 861 convicted felons sign up in 2007. I guess if you’re good at killing, it makes more sense to employ you than to let your skills go to waste behind bars.

* Sticking with the military theme, Defense Secretary Robert Gates told cadets at West Point yesterday, “Never fight unless you have to. Never fight alone. And never fight for long.” Great advice. Someone should write that down. You know, for later.

* Coming to a church near you: beer and a mechanical bull. Methinks Job would’ve had an easier time had he been able to drown his sorrows back in the day.

* Rob came back from Vegas this morning. People need to stop with all this vacation junk. It only means more work for me. But Rob bought us pizza on Friday and he’s doubling down with another delivery this Friday, so I will cut him more slack than some anchors. (Also, station management still hasn’t taken a side on my “Pizza or Revolution” demand, so I’m thinking they’re okay with revolution.)

* PETA is putting up a million dollar reward for anyone who can grow meat in a test tube that looks and tastes like the real thing by 2012. I’m putting up a $50 reward for anyone who can offer me photographic evidence that they’ve punched a PETA member in the face. Just for that, PETA, I’m going to order two gigantic steaks today – one to eat, one to throw away out of spite.