I changed my password everywhere to 'incorrect.' That way when I forget it, it always reminds me, 'Your password is incorrect.'

People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.

Just remember... if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

One psychiatrist meets another on the street. He says, "You're fine, how am I?".

Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I could do it with my eyes closed. ~ Unknown

Those people who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do ~ UnknownA word to the wise isn't necessary, It's the stupid ones that need the advise. ~ Bill CosbyBehind every great man is a woman, rolling her eyes. ~ Jim CareyAs a child my menu consisted of two choices, take it or leave it. ~ Buddy HacketYou love flowers, but you cut them. You love animals, but you eat them. You tell me you love me, so now I'm scared! ~ Unknown

I haven't spoken to my wife in years, I didn't want to interrupt her.If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

How Many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened when she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a minute, but set him on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

And in the Psalm, it says, 'Shirley Goodnest (surely goodness) and Marcy (mercy) shall follow me all the days of my life', so I guess I'll just have to get used to it!'

The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make His face shine upon you, and be gracious unto you; the Lord lift His countenance upon you, and give you peace.

May Shirley Goodnest and Marcy be with you today and always :)

A Long Life

A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.While on the operating table, she had a near death experience.Upon seeing God, she asked, "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live." Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction and tummy tuck. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well look even nicer. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was hit and killed by an ambulance. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 plus years? Why didn't you pull me out of the path of the ambulance!?"

God replied, "My child, I am sorry, I didn't even recognize you!

A Picture Of Jesus

A kindergarten teacher was walking around her classroom as her student's drew pictures. One little girl was drawing so intently that the teacher asked her what she was drawing. The little girl replied, "I'm drawing a picture of Jesus". The teacher said, "oh honey, nobody really knows for sure what Jesus looks like." The little girl, without missing a beat, responded, "they will in a minute."

Head Of The House

At the end of the age when all the believers were standing in line waiting to get into heaven, God appeared and said, "I want all the men to form two lines. One line will be for the men who were the true heads of their households. The other will be for the men who were dominated by their wives."God continued, "I want all the women to report to St. Peter."The women left and the men formed two lines. The line of men who were dominated by their wives was seemingly unending. The line of men who were the true head of their household had one man in it.God said to the first line, "You men ought to be ashamed or yourselves. I appointed you to be the heads of your households and you were disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose. Of all of you, there is only one man who obeyed me. Learn from him."Then God turned to the lone man and asked, "How did you come to be in this line?"The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here."

A New Red Wagon

The pastor was looking over the Nativiy Scene the day after Christmas when he noticed that the baby Jesus was missing. He went outside and saw a little boy pulling a new red wagon. In the wagon was Jesus.We walked up to the boy and said, "Hi, there. Where did you get the baby Jesus?"The boy answered honestly, "In the church.""Why did you take him?" the pastor asked."Well," said the boy, "I prayed to the Lord Jesus and asked him for a wagon for Christmas. I told Him that if He gave me one, I'd take Him for a ride in it."

Don't Let Me Be Late

A little girl, dresses in her "Sunday best" was late and running to her Sunday school class. As she ran, she prayed, "Dear God, please don't let me be late. Dear God, please don't let me be late." Then she fell.She got up, dusted her self off and saw that her dress was now dirty and had a little tear. She started running again, still praying, "Dear God, please don't let me be late." But this time she added, "But please don't push me, either!"

Lord Save Me

A boy fell off a cliff and cried out, “Lord, save me!” Before he finished the sentence his shirt caught on a branch. “Never mind, God,” he said, relieved; “This branch here caught me.”

Get Your Own Dirt

One day a group of scientists got together and decided that man had come a long way and no longer needed God. So they picked one scientist to go and tell Him that they were done with Him. The scientist walked up to God and said, “God, we've decided that we no longer need you. We’re to the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so why don’t you just go on and mind your own business?”God listened very patiently and kindly to the man. After the scientist was done talking, God said, “Very well, how about this? Let’s say we have a man-making contest.” To which the scientist replied, “Okay, we can handle that!”“But,” God added, “we’re going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam.”The scientist said, “Sure, no problem” and bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt.God looked at him and said, “No, no, no. You go get your own dirt.”

Newspaper Ad. For sale:

Encyclopedia Britannica, complete set of 45 volumes. No longer needed due to getting married. My wife knows everything. $200 Or best offer.-

A Fine Wine

I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.

Wedding RIng

Worlds smallest handcuff

The Newlyweds

The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage.He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says, “Put those on.”The bride replies, “I can’t wear your trousers.”He replies, “And don’t forget that! I will always wear the pants in the family!”The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request, “Try those on!”He replies,”I can’t get into your knickers!”“And you never bloody will if you don’t change your attitude.”

The Fork A Wedding Story

The Sperm Count

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, ‘Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.’

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, ‘Well,doc, it’s like this–first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

‘Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

‘We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin’ it between her knees, but still nothing.’

The doctor was shocked! ‘You asked your neighbor?’

The old man replied, ‘Yep, none of us could get the jar open.’

Some Funny Thing's Old People Might Say 1.Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded 2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and all-bran 3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.

My New Watch A man was telling his neighbor, ' I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'

'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'

'Twelve thirty.'

The Restaurant

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... The one that's red and has thorns.''Do you mean a rose?''Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

Three Old Guys

Three old guys are out walking. First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?' Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!' Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a soda.'

In Your Ear

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said,'"Mabel, did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear? " Mabel answered, "I have a suppository?" She pulled it out and stared at it.Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is."

Damn Kids

I told my children that I never want to be dependent on liquids and wires, they took my wine and unplugged the computer. Damn kids :-)

The Push

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. "Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed. "Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks. "No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!" "Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?

I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people too. The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?" "Yes," comes back the answer. "Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband. "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark. "Where are you?" asks the husband. "Over here on the swing set," replied the drunk.

Two Hunters In The Woods Joke

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his cell phone and calls emergency services. He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies, "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

Back on the phone, the hunter says, "OK, now what?"

A Woman Has Twins

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, ''But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.''

Police Reports

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off.