Report: Joe Biden Using Defused Pipe Bomb as Bottle Opener

DELAWARE — Hours after two suspicious packages addressed to former Vice President Joe Biden were discovered to contain pipe bombs, Biden was seen using one of the defused bombs as a beer bottle opener during a post-incident party at his house, sources say.

“Crack me open one of them cold boys,” said Biden, throwing the disarmed explosive across the room to an FBI bomb technician standing by the cooler. “Who wants to play beer pong?”

Similar bombs were mailed to former President Barack Obama and other political figures over the past few days, but Biden was the first to recycle the bombs’ materials and put them to use as drinking tools. In addition to opening bottles, Biden was also seen using a device’s initiator to punch through the side of a can for shotgunning.

“When we arrived at the scene, Joe was probably a good 6 or 7 beers deep already. The suspicious packages were just kind of lying on top of a stack of Bruce Springsteen records,” said FBI Agent Rick Skelly. “We really lucked out getting sent to Joe’s house. I heard from our team in New York that Hillary Clinton’s place was a nightmare.”

At press time, sources say a similar package mailed to former presidential candidate Gary Johnson had been converted into a bong.