Men, Women and Forgiveness

Love means saying you're sorry.

Our relationships are strengthened or weakened by hundreds of small actions and communications we share with each other. When we are paying attention and offer help or empathy or thanks, for something, it strengthens our relationships.

Insults, neglect and ignoring, whether intentional or not, create a breach in relationships.

When your spouse, your child or your friend expects you to be there for them and you either ignore, neglect or even forget them, that creates a breach in the relationship. This can then lead to resentment by the offended party. What happens as a result is that you become less caring and trustful. This can start downward cycle which can often lead to a long-term negative effect on the relationship.

An important method of repairing that relationship is to apologize. It can help you reconnect and heal a wound when you offer an authentic apology. Marital therapists report that authentic apology is a very important feature of a healthy marriage. An authentic apology includes accountability, remorse and repentance.

Men and women see and experience apologies differently.

Psychologists have reported that there are differences in how men and women see and experience apologies. A woman apologizes to maintain a relationship, and feels good about her efforts. When a man apologizes he ends up feeling a sense of loss.

Women appreciate the benefit of reconnecting with someone whose feelings have been hurt, whereas men view the apology as a loss of “face”. For a man to admit he did something wrong it is an affront to his ego. Men are more conscious of their status and how their position of power is perceived. So whereas a woman can feel enriched by the strengthening of the relationship after her apology, a man can often be left with the feeling of being diminished after he apologizes. Understandably, this can be a challenge in a marital relationship for the man.

Apologizing is important in all relationships; whether in parenting or business or other areas of our lives. People are sometimes reluctant to apologize for the same reason men hesitate to apologize. A parent or a boss may be concerned with a loss of status. Yet not apologizing when it is warranted gives the impression that your status is more important to you than your relationship is with the other person. As a parent or executive you also put yourself in the position of losing credibility by not apologizing. A simple work example is an executive who might be very critical when someone comes late to a meeting, but does not apologize or give a reason when they are late.

Often, you need to apologize because you have violated a principle or standard that you expected the other person to uphold. This is particularly an issue for parents because you are the role model for your children. The most important aspect of being a role model is being authentic. It means you do what you say.

A healthy, loving relationship is not possible without forgiveness.

A healthy, loving relationship is not possible without forgiveness. You cannot have a loving and rewarding relationship if you make it a regular habit to hold on to bad things that happened in the past. Without forgiving, it means you are holding on to feelings of resentment and blame, which is very unhealthy for a good relationship.

Letting go of resentment and bitterness is a particularly difficult challenge for people after a divorce. They easily fall into a state of mind of blaming their spouse, for all their perceived hurt and misery. This interferes with their ability to take charge of their life and move forward. I once had a client who was stuck in such a place and I eventually got him to see things differently by getting him to agree that it was of his own volition, that he chose to marry his former spouse in the first place. Therefore, such a person should take responsibility for his role in both the marriage and its breakup. To withhold forgiveness is to remain feeling like a victim.

Psychologists have long emphasized the health benefits of letting go of grudges and bitterness even without the second party apology. Such health benefits include: less stress and hostility, lower blood pressure, fewer symptoms of depression, anxiety and chronic pain, and lower risk of alcohol and substance abuse.

There are even those that advocate initiating forgiveness. You can offer it as a gift to the person who has hurt you, especially in the case of a close loving relationship. Strengthening your relationships comes from being able to forgive.

About the Author

Dr Morris has been a clinical psychologist for over 25 years helping couples, families, adults and young adult males. He is in private practice in Jerusalem. He is an expert in the growing field of the psychology of well-being and has run workshops in the USA and Israel. Dr Man can be contacted by phone in Israel at 054-4635726 and in USA/Canada at 1-866-4101414. Email contact is at morris.mann@gmail.com, or his coaching website at www.morrismann.com.

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 5

(3)
Alfredo,
July 1, 2015 3:06 AM

Pseudo Science

Women appreciate the benefit of reconnecting with someone whose feelings have been hurt, whereas men view the apology as a loss of “face”. For a man to admit he did something wrong it is an affront to his ego.* This is one of the many generalizations and biased myths that need to be eradicated from society.* Basically it says that all men are egotistical and immature and all females are mature and balanced. Complete pseudo science.."Psychologist have reported"****

(2)
Marko,
November 6, 2011 7:20 PM

personality types rather than gender.

Not sure if these differnces are strictly along gender lines, but rather, say, personality types. Maintaining interpersonal relationships is far more important to me than personal power (I'm a guy).

(1)
ruth housman,
November 6, 2011 1:24 PM

taken aback, by forgiveness itself!

here's a conundrum that for me, connects with an article on apologies. I know someone who has an enormous ego, and he fills that ego by making it clear he knows many very "important" people: writers, poets, artists around the world. He courts them and does do good things for them, in that he gives them time in the sun, by bringing them and their writings to audiences. On the other hand, it is very clear, and he is clear about this, "He is a very important man." Now this kind of "gilt by association" is wearying, after a while. Because we all know, the gift of giving is what brings import to our lives, as that is tikkun. To do with joy for others, and to do it, largely with humility. That is what I call greatness.
I was hurt by this man, more than once, and each time I said to him, "I forgive you", though he never asked for, forgiveness. Not only did he never acknowledge my "forgiveness" but he continued to act in very hurtful ways.
So I want to retract my forgiveness, and I have, by making it clear whether a narcissist can absorb this, or not, that continuance of such behaviors, of "lording it over" my person, by being rude, is not to be tolerated.
Sometimes we all, cower, and we are cowards, when somebody we really feel is hurtful, and narcissistic, holds power, as in people who work under others, and those people often do unconscionable things, wielding power and control and knowing it. People are afraid to speak up.. But I think forgiveness has its codicils and it is truly sometimes, if a person does not learn, important to establish boundaries and to even retract this. True forgiveness involves on the other person, not an Apollo gy, but actions that indicate true comprehension of wrongful actions.
I think we all encounter such life dilemmas, and sometimes it is time to change the lights from green to red: STOP.

Morris Mann,
November 6, 2011 4:25 PM

forgiveness and narcissists

Ruth
I would briefly tell you two things
1 - Forgiveness - to really forgive, means that you have forgiven in your heart, and do not need or expect a response from the other person
2 - Narcisists -especially entitled narcisists are unable to hear constructive cricism, or to apologize. To apologize for them means they did something wrong. And that volates and negates their own self perception. That is for difficult very self absorbed narcisissists.

Marko,
November 6, 2011 10:31 PM

Ruth - Forgiveness comes easier when you keep in mind that the benefits are greater for the forgiver than the forgiven. If someone has hurt you and you hold hatred inside of yourself, then the hurtful person has won again; this time with your help.

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My nephew is having his bar mitzvah and I am thinking of a gift. In the old days, the gift of choice was a fountain pen, then a Walkman, and today an iPod. But I want to get him something special. What do you suggest?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Since this event celebrates the young person becoming obligated in the commandments, the most appropriate gift is, naturally, one that gives a deeper understanding of the Jewish heritage and enables one to better perform the mitzvot! (An iPod, s/he can get anytime.)

With that in mind, my favorite gift idea is a tzedakah (charity) box. Every Jew should have a tzedakah box in his home, so he can drop in change on a regular basis. The money can then be given to support a Jewish school or institution -- in your home town or in Israel (every Jews’ “home town”). There are beautiful tzedakah boxes made of wood and silver, and you can see a selection here.

For boys, a really beautiful gift is a pair of tefillin, the black leather boxes which contain parchments of Torah verses, worn on the bicep and the head. Owning a pair of Tefillin (and wearing them!) is an important part of Jewish identity. But since they are expensive (about $400), not every Bar Mitzvah boy has a pair. To make sure you get kosher Tefillin, see here.

In 1944, the Nazis perpetrated the Children's Action in the Kovno Ghetto. That day and the next, German soldiers conducted house-to-house searches to round up all children under age 12 (and adults over 55) -- and sent them to their deaths at Fort IX. Eventually, the Germans blew up every house with grenades and dynamite, on suspicion that Jews might be in hiding in underground bunkers. They then poured gasoline over much of the former ghetto and incinerated it. Of the 37,000 Jews in Kovno before the Holocaust, less than 10 percent survived. One of the survivors was Rabbi Ephraim Oshri, who later published a stirring collection of rabbinical responsa, detailing his life-and-death decisions during the Holocaust. Also on this date, in 1937, American Jews held a massive anti-Nazi rally in New York City's Madison Square Garden.

In a letter to someone who found it difficult to study Torah, the 20th century sage the Chazon Ish wrote:

"Some people find it hard to be diligent in their Torah studies. But the difficulty persists only for a short while - if the person sincerely resolves to submerge himself in his studies. Very quickly the feelings of difficulty will go away and he will find that there is no worldly pleasure that can compare with the pleasure of studying Torah diligently."

Although actions generally have much greater impact than thoughts, thoughts may have a more serious effect in several areas.

The distance that our hands can reach is quite limited. The ears can hear from a much greater distance, and the reach of the eye is much farther yet. Thought, however, is virtually limitless in its reach. We can think of objects millions of light years away, and so we have a much greater selection of improper thoughts than of improper actions.

Thought also lacks the restraints that can deter actions. One may refrain from an improper act for fear of punishment or because of social disapproval, but the privacy of thought places it beyond these restraints.

Furthermore, thoughts create attitudes and mindsets. An improper action creates a certain amount of damage, but an improper mindset can create a multitude of improper actions. Finally, an improper mindset can numb our conscience and render us less sensitive to the effects of our actions. We therefore do not feel the guilt that would otherwise come from doing an improper act.

We may not be able to avoid the occurrence of improper impulses, but we should promptly reject them and not permit them to dwell in our mind.

Today I shall...

make special effort to avoid harboring improper thoughts.

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