Search form

The Malignant Divorce

I work in a beautiful suburb north of Manhattan, and in this child friendly place of great schools and involved parents, we have just witnessed a horrifying tragedy. According to news reports, an upper middle class neighborhood family was in the midst of a difficult divorce. Like many in their position, they lived in the same house, she an Ivy graduate, and he, a respected local attorney. Now this couple and their two children are gone, apparently at the hand of their father. This husband and father allegedly bludgeoned his wife, shot his children and then committed suicide.

Horror is a word that fails to describe the nature of this event. Murder-Suicide fails as well. Familcide seems like an awkward word that has little to do with so much darkness. And, while I am in no position to talk about this family and that terrible day, I am nevertheless confounded and compelled to write about malignant divorces—because I have seen too many. These are cases in which love turns into a hate so deep that human beings do terrible things that seem inconceivable. Thank goodness that murder is uncommon, but corrupted malignant behavior is not. Malignant divorces are more common than we would all like to think and they take many forms.

Like a cancer, malignant divorces have a variety of outcomes. Some can be successfully dealt with; some can be managed and some are truly dangerous. In our town of Cross River, New York, four lives ended in the context of such a divorce. Of course, our community is not unique; such horrors can (and do) happen anywhere.

This is the first of a number of Psychology Today posts that will be devoted to the problems of being embroiled in a malignant divorce. In due time, this material will be developed in the last book of The Intelligent Divorce series, Dealing With Your (Impossible) Ex. What do I mean by impossible? Some people respond to the stress of divorce by undermining everyone around them. Some do it consciously, knowing full well that they just want to win at all costs. Think of the father who hides income and creates "evidence" that his ex wife is incompetent, all so he can pay less support and short change her.

So, if you are involved in a case like this, whether you fear for your safety or you sense that you are being set up, you must get professional help. In a malignant situation, your ex spouse will want to win at all costs and your sense of fair play will be used against you. Maintaining good limits, staying safe and not becoming manipulative yourself, is no small task. Your children will need you as a strong, centered parent with what they are going through.

So, what can be done?

Here is a brief overview. In future posts, we will develop these points more fully.

1. You are dealing with an ex spouse who just wants to win. If you are the healthier spouse, then you are trapped in a surreal life, largely not of your own making. It may not be fair, but it's time that you deal with it. Laying back and hoping it will all go away is probably a poor strategy.

2. What you do have control over is your sanity, and the innocent ears of your children. Therapy is really a must. You will have to grieve the loss of your marriage and much of what you hold dear, including that the world is fair. You can't short circuit grief, but you cannot let it disable you from acting intelligently. Also, all your outrage and fear must be mobilized productively, in the best interests of you and your children.

3. Keep safety at the forefront of your mind. If living in the same house with her is too dangerous, then something will have to change. If you feel threatened when he drops off the children, then meet him in a public place — and in broad daylight. Just know that anticipating violence is not a perfect science; so if you think you got it wrong and need to move out, seriously consider it.

4. Domestic violence rarely happens out of the blue. Usually there is some warning. Perhaps she was verbally abusive in the past. Or maybe he drank and had moments of violence. The problem here is that many victims of abuse are habituated to this dehumanizing behavior and don't sufficiently recognize the risks. If you have questions, consult a therapist or call one of many hotlines available for this purpose. Get some answers so you can be better prepared.

5. Remember that your actions have consequences. The pressure in these situations is intense, so think twice before acting out if your negative behavior is serving as a model for your kids at school. For instance, some kids can become bullies if they witness aggressiveness at home. Also, learn how to deal with your ex when he or she triggers you. If you get triggered and then badly lose control, you are the one who will be in trouble, no matter how provocative he or she may be.

6. In dealing with a very difficult ex you will need to set limits and sometimes even continue to co-parent. Not easy. You will have to decide when to hang up the phone on her as things heat up, when to walk away from a toxic situation, and when it is time to call your lawyer or the police. You are not always going to get it right and under all this pressure, you're not always going to be a saint. So, when done well, a good relationship with your therapist can help you come back to center. No matter how angry or hurt you may be, your children will always come first. This will be your gift to them.

7. In malignant situations, therapy is important for your children as well. They need to have a safe place to deal with what they are going through with an adult ally. In addition, your child's therapist can help you understand how to be a better parent. On occasion, a talented therapist can counsel the self-serving ex spouse and may make some headway. And, if things get dangerous, some therapists find the wherewithal to hold an out of control parent accountable. It is not a perfect solution, but sometimes the cancer of divorce can only be managed, and not really treated. It is better than nothing.

Ultimately, the children will grow up and come to terms with the trauma they experienced. Some will be hurt forever while others will emerge stronger because of the experience. Here is where a stable, healthy parent can make all the difference. They will ultimately cling to your strength, your stability and your confidence.

Some divorces can truly be like malignant cancer. Do your best to stay safe and keep focused on the big picture. A malignant divorce is going to be rough, and may take years. But if you can give your kids the best of what you have, you are giving them a lot.

I agree that aggressive litigators should play no part in the dissolution of a marriage. I guess they feel they are giving their clients what they want, and, sadly, they are often right about that. In addition, aggressive litigators naturally have a win at any cost attitude. That is what makes them good litigators. I don't blame. I am just saying they have no place in a marital dissolution. The system needs to be changed so that marital dissolution does not involve litigation.

Boyd Lemon-Author of "Digging Deep: A Writer Uncovers His Marriages," a memoir of the author's journey to understand his role in the destruction of his three marriages, helpful for anyone to deal with issues in their own relationships. Information, excerpts and reviews: http://www.BoydLemon-Writer.com.

I really appreciate this comment, because it comes from real painful experience. The religious among us tell us that suffering is the road to wisdom. I have found that this is often true.
Sounds like you have wisdom in spades.

The system, Boyd, is inadequate to deal with the power struggles between two people. In the present system, divorce is handled in court. Now, divorce is not about two governments or two corporations. No, divorce is about two people.

Courts were created for another purpose.

Until there are changes, judges will be overwhelmed, lawyers will sometimes profit from unhappiness and couples will continue to spin out in their rituals of finger pointing to no ones benefit.

Your article is right on. It is so critical to get help for yourself and the children. That is what made the difference for our family. As you stated, things were unpredictable and malicious yet to remain strong and have courage was the challenge. I took it on and now a few years later the outcome is apparent in how the kids have grown up and in their own strength. They learned about boundaries, just as I learned to stand up for what was right and no longer accept abusive behavior.

A divorce that becomes a raging battle between two parents has always felt like a true, classic
tragedy. And like all tragedies, the damage done is primarily to the innocents. Your approach is a valuable and rational guide in how to anticipate, survive and, hopefully, avoid the damage. As a practicing therapist, I know only too well the depth of the hurt it can cause. Thanks for an honest
and realistic reading of how and why a malignant divorce can be such a destructive process.

Boyd Lemon-Author of "Digging Deep: A Writer Uncovers His Marriages," a memoir of the author's journey to understand his role in the destruction of his three marriages, helpful for anyone to deal with issues in their own relationships. Information, excerpts and reviews: http://www.BoydLemon-Writer.com.

Congratulations, Mark, on your excellent and opportune post.
My interest in malignant divorce is more than academic. I went through one, though fortunately not of the fatal variety.
A few points fascinate me. One, the speed at which relative amity turns into enmity. One minute you are functioning as an ordinary couple; the next you are at one another's throats. It seems that in a flash the pent up anger of years bursts out. All resentments and past accounts are called in, with no holding back. Even the one diaper change you didn't make seventeen years ago.
Two, the depth of the anger. At the time I tried to fathom why my wife's anger was so extreme. Most of us contain anger of varying degrees, but I think that in these circumstances anger is expressed in direct proportion to the difficulty of breaking the bonds. In other words, the force needed to blow apart a closely-knit family unit with kids is tremendous. Consequently, reasonably decent, long marriages can end in horrific divorces.
To top it all, when the earthquake occurs, it's hard to keep your wits about you, you lose control and before you know it you descend into chaos, hostility and animosity.
As to how to deal with the dreadful situations that arise, I am wholly in favor of therapy, both individual and group. I thank my therapy/therapists for facilitating my recovery.

Therapists helped my abusive EX abuse me, except for the marriage counselor. When I reported to the so-called therapist/mediator that he came after me with a butcher knife, the "therapist" (who is a nationally known, big-name therapist) discounted my story and NEVER, not once, told him he shouldn't come after me with a weapon. When I called the therapist on it, he asked if I need to reschedule because I was "emotional" (I didn't even get "emotional", I just raised my voice a little) and that the EX's action just told him we needed more "mediation." As for the children: therapists are completely untrained to deal with abuse (psychological and emotional), even if they claim they are, and think they need to "give the father a chance" when "giving him a chance" means essentially telling him it is OK to behave like that. My children are SO smart and strong and have learned how to set boundaries in spite of therapy, not because of it!

In addition to therapy, I recommend writing about your marriage and the contributions of both you and your spouse to the failure of your marriage. It doesn't have to be published. It worked for me.

Boyd Lemon-Author of "Digging Deep: A Writer Uncovers His Marriages," a memoir of the author's journey to understand his role in the destruction of his three marriages, helpful for anyone to deal with issues in their own relationships. Information, excerpts and reviews: http://www.BoydLemon-Writer.com.

An interesting perspective.
I am in the middle of a malignant divorce.

My ex has done her best to ruin me professionally, personally and publicly. She has attempted to stop me seeing our 2 younger boys and has so poisoned our daughter that she accused me of sexual assault! Thankfully that was fully investigated and no evidence found but it was horrific. She has now thrown our eldest out of the house as he refused to take her side against me (He is a good lad was trying to stay neutral which I understand) and has still been seeing me. He had an argument with his sister and his "attitude" is purportedly because of the things she had said about me. Actually sister WAS in the wrong and the matter involved third parties. I did not even know about it.

My problem is that hating me (rightly or wrongly) is one thing. Despite everything I have managed not to go there myself. But I cannot for the life of me understand how she can do that to the children.

I could no more reject or harm my kids (even my daughter after all the lies)than I could willingly stop my breathing.

How do you deal with a situation where you are totally on the receiving end?

Even after a court order on residency and contact is in place and the property division is agreed she still cannot stop.

Even I, who have bent over backwards to give her grace and understand it is just her pain talking, have come to the point where I agree with most of the people who know both our views that she is probably psychotic.

Oh, and I am a lawyer (although I do not do family law) and if it was not for a colleague representing me she would have hammered me flat. I was in no mental state to deal with the matter even if I had the knowledge of that area of law.

Her own lawyers were tearing their hair out at her behaviour and demands. They were being reasonable and we had an agreement in negotiation and outline terms thanks to them BEFORE she went ballistic. So it was not down to them. (All three firms-she is now on her fourth)

They were helping someone with a legal need. Now whether these sorts of matters should be dealt with in courtroom is a different matter. Most family lawyers here in the UK say not and I agree with them.

We wound up there only after my wife closed down all other avenues.

Malignant is just the word and it is the children who are suffering long term.

Your story is a sad one, but just remember you cannot control what she does, except to defend yourself when prudent and continue to take the high road with the children. I am now 71, and my children are in their 30's and 40's. When they were young I experienced something similar. Just know that it will pass. The result in my case: I am very close to all of my children and grandchildren, and the ex-wife is estranged and/or distant from all of them (4 children). This storm shall pass. Hang in their, and stay on the high road. It will pay off in the end.

Boyd Lemon-Author of "Digging Deep: A Writer Uncovers His Marriages," a memoir of the author's journey to understand his role in the destruction of his three marriages, helpful for anyone to deal with issues in their own relationships. Information, excerpts and reviews: http://www.BoydLemon-Writer.com.

Yes, it can be, and especially for the children. That is why it is critical for parents who are divorcing to take classes or have counseling on co-parenting when they are divorcing.

Boyd Lemon-Author of “Eat, Walk, Write: An American Senior’s Year of Adventure in Paris and Tuscany,” and "Digging Deep: A Writer Uncovers His Marriages," the author’s journey to understand his role in the destruction of his three marriages. Information and excerpts: http://www.BoydLemon-Writer.com. Travel blog: http://www.boomertravelblog.com.

What does the author mean by "get help"? There is no help for the poor getting divorced. In fact some ex's make sure the other one goes into poverty. There is no money to pay for help. The court appointed help is not help at all. All they do is listen to both sides then boot you out the door so you can keep doing what doesn't work. My ex's was molesting my children. I was called a crazy x wife and that I was only saying that because I wanted my children to never see their Dad. The whole system sucks. I say just don't ever get married. Unless you've been with the person for at least 5 years.

There are tons of books, articles, and series on the net and available for those that WANT HELP! Want to sell a book or series then write one about: How to keep from being broken when dealing with a broken person in your life.