BITTER ARIES...

The Sublime Irritations of a Spooky 2005

Oh my sainted aunt, little and obnoxious ram type things! You're heading into the New Year and thus must have the guidance of my vile and bitter prognostications in order to disport yourselves in a right and proper manner for your odious sign. As the year begins, ghastly planets cavort in nitwit Sagittarius and your solar ninth house. You will travel and receive unwarranted praise and attention from persons of a foreign disposition. As marauding Mars clashes with Uranus the idiot god, you will become a psychic or assault one, have a stunning sexual encounter with a dock-worker and come to a strange pass in a foreign land, due to unprecedented or fateful changes of a mystical nature. With cranky Chiron in idiot Aquarius, you will wear orchids, eat pepper and dream of Swedish friends or frozen foods. You may become a noted artist or mystic, saying things people believe to be of import despite the fact that your every utterance is nonsense. However, as this is what happens with art or mysticism, the process follows a predictable path in a benighted universe ruled by insane gods. You may suffer back pain from the burden of being 'you' and your genitals may become sore from overuse.

THE JAPES OF JOLLY JUPITER: With Jupiter in fatuous Libra and your solar seventh house, persons associated with you will give you things and be nice to you, despite your foul temper and ill nature. When Jupiter moves on to morbid Scorpio and your solar eighth house, you will become even more obsessed with sex and money, begin a mystic cult and make a fortune by ripping off as many members of a gullible public as you can lay your hands on. You will smoke witch hazel and drink catmint or perhaps you will drink witch hazel and smoke catmint. Either way, you will live in a drug-induced stupor, believe your own publicity and become confused. Strangely, this will add to your appeal with the public and thus increase your success.

THE SOBRIETY OF SATURN: With miserable Saturn in neurotic Cancer till June, you will agonize about your appalling childhood, be depressed at home and be forced to look after whining and dependent persons who move in with you and refuse to leave. When Saturn moves to Leo and your solar fifth house in July, you will write a piece of pretentious drivel the public foolishly believes to be of worth. It will be so successful that the ghost of it will haunt you all your days making you depressed despite all the money and power you have. You will turn to a diet of marigolds, dates and peppermint tea to alleviate the worst effects of this. You will wear outlandish clothes and drink from a cup with gold trim.