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A Mind Is A Terrible Thing To Lose

Hysteria over the mythical “War On Christmas” reached a fever pitch at Fox News last week with multiple anchors and pundits becoming apoplectic over supposed threats to our most holy of holidays.

Anchor Megyn Kelly showed signs of losing her small mind during a discussion of Aisha Harris’ column in Slate. Harris had suggested that Santa could possibly be changed to a “race neutral” being such as a penguin. As we know, any suggestion of cultural or societal change in America is met with venomous and often incoherent outrage by Fox News personnel, and Kelly is no exception.

On her Wednesday show Kelly waxed ignorant on the subject: “For all you kids watching at home, Santa just is white. But this person is just arguing that maybe we should also have a black Santa. But Santa is what he is.”

Kelly continued, “I mean, Jesus was a white man too. He was a historical figure, that’s a verifiable fact, as is Santa – I just want the kids watching to know that.”

Where does one begin to analyze this mess?

In the first place, Aisha Harris has to realize that the chances of replacing Santa with Penguin Claus are about as good as replacing the Easter Bunny with an avenging alien Xenomorph. Santa Claus is about as entrenched in American culture as Bill O’Reilly is at Fox News. He’s not going anywhere.

But Kelly’s reaction to the “Penguin Claus” suggestion was bordering on the insane. Not satisfied with criticizing Harris about Santa, she had to bring Jesus into the mix, claiming both were white guys. Kelly, like many Fox anchors, has a real problem discerning fact from fiction and conjecture. Both gentlemen in question, Saint Nicholas and Jesus of Nazareth, were born in areas of the world not particularly known for an abundance of white skinned, blonde, blue-eyed citizens, Kelly’s attempt to make them Aryans notwithstanding.

Kelly is not alone in her madness. Another Fox anchor, Gretchen Carlson, went ballistic over a “Festivus Pole” erected at the Cretonia Capitol in Tallahassee. She said, “Why do I have to drive around with my kids to look for nativity scenes and be like, ‘Oh yeah kids, look. There’s Baby Jesus behind the Festivus pole made out of beer cans!”

The most obvious answer to Gretchen is, “You don’t.” In fact, all of us would be grateful if you and your children stayed at home, where you will do the least amount of damage. And by the way, while you’re there you could enjoy a little PBR yourself. It might relieve a little tension and loosen you up.

All of this furor over some mythical “War On Christmas” is only designed to fill broadcast time at Fox while anchors take a breather from bashing Obamacare. It puts on display the insecurity of both the anchors and their overwhelmingly white, aging audience. To paraphrase Jon Stewart, Fox News lives in a world of pure fear and despair where every inconsequential change becomes a harbinger of a dystopian post-America apocalypse.

We realize that an ego the size of Manhattan is apparently a mandatory trait in order to be an anchor on any network in this day and age, but a little humility when one makes an idiot of oneself would be refreshing.

However, instead of apologizing for her rant, Kelly devoted an entire segment of her show on Friday to criticizing her detractors and letting us know how important and powerful both Fox News and Megyn Kelly really are. She accused her critics of race-baiting, among other things.

Say what?

As Baby Jesus’ supposed birth-date nears we will no doubt be treated to more of this insanity. It’s just a damn shame that Megyn could not stick to modeling swimsuits and lingerie instead of commenting on societal issues. She is far better equipped for the former pursuit.

In the immortal words of Dan Quayle, “What a terrible thing to have lost one’s mind. Or not to have a mind at all. How true that is.”

Oh dear, Fox is at it again. I wonder how Megyn or Gretchen would react on finding out that this all started out as a pagan holiday? I like the way they always involve “the kids”…awww… Why would Gretchen need to explain to her kids why a Festivus pole is erected next to a nativity scene? She could just keep on driving…no?