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Sex. Dirty, Dirty Sex

Friends, I have something I have to let you know - if you don't know already:

Sex is disgusting.

Seriously, think about it. Ew, don't think about it.

Yes, it feels fantastic. If you're with the right person at the right time it feels out-of-this-world incredible (fireworks, much?). But have you ever stopped to think about what you're doing? Like, literally?

You're placing your most private parts into someone else's most private parts. Or allowing someone to place their most private parts into yours, depending on your gender/sexual preference. That's GROSS, people! Sure we ignore it because it just feels so damn good. But come on, ew!

Then throw on top of that the consequences of this nasty habit we have:

1. A baby.

Oh yes, this is a consequence. Particularly if you're not currently in the market for an infant. I don't even want to think about what that does to the body. There's no turning back from a baby. Well, there is, but that's another decision I'm not up for making if I don't have to. Condoms can fail. Sometimes us ladies forget to take that daily pill. Accidents happen and a baby is a hefty accident. Count me out.

2. A disease.

Let me lay some STD facts on you. In the US, approximately one in six people between the ages of 14 and 49 are currently infected with genital herpes.* About 360,000 people become infected with genital warts (a form of HPV) every year.* It's been said (by health professionals) that every 9.5 minutes someone is infected with HIV.** Every nine and a half minutes!?! People, really? Most of the common STDs can be avoided by wearing condoms, but there are a few that we have absolutely no protection from short of abstinence. These diseases can lead to unsightly rashes, permanent scars, painful treatments, cancers, and/or death. DEATH.

3. A bug-a-boo.

This is a legitimate issue, people. If you're hitting it so good that someone just won't leave you alone, that's a sex hazard. I don't care what anyone says. If you've ever had a bug-a-boo you know what I mean. And if you've ever been one, it's just as bad! Spending all day pining over someone is not good for anyone's psyche!

"What about the stuff that gets up around the sides of condoms?" Lena Durnam in 'Girls'

This all has me wondering: what exactly was God thinking? I see the need to make sex enjoyable in order to keep the population rising at a steady rate. But why did he have to make it so disgusting? Why couldn't sex be like completing a super difficult crossword puzzle? Or Sudoku? That might also ensure that people with at least some marginal amount of intelligence would be the only ones procreating. Count me out if sex turns into Sudoku, though.

Don't read me wrong: I love sex. Not to get all TMI on you, but I'm pretty sure I just entered my sexual prime. But it has only recently occurred to me how yucky it is, once you put aside all the feel good parts. I get it. It's really hard to put those parts aside! So I leave you with this:

When we decide to have sex with someone, we are taking on more than just a good time. We are taking on all of the good times that that someone had before they decided they wanted to have a good time with us. Keep that in mind next time you jump in the sack. Make sure you protect yourself and - even then - understand what you're getting into.

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