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Our modern relationships have nothing to do anymore with the one our grandparents, or even our parents went through. Years of fights for equality have completely changed the relationships between men and women. Sometimes for the best, sometimes for the worst.
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The perfect drug

Are we all masochistic? In a sense, maybe. We all do things we know we shouldn’t do because it does us no good at all, and sometimes, we keep on repeating those silly acts. An example? I can’t help eating candy bars even if I know it’s not good for my health. Nutella will do damage to your silhouette, but it is so addictive (tons of my female friends and I have an addiction to that chocolate spread and some even eat it with a spoon).

When it comes to love and relationship, we can find ourselves trapped into such a dynamic. We know the guy/chick isn’t good for us, but for a reason, we fall desperately in love with him/her and hang on to that ill-fated relationship like a junkie. Sometimes, it’s even worse, because we go head over heels for a man/woman that didn’t ask for anything. “I fell in love with one of my male colleagues, that showed me some interests at the beginning. But for a reason I ignore, he started to put more and more distance between us, as if he knew the obvious about my feelings for him. I should have moved on and forget about him, but I couldn’t. I was convinced that he had it wrong with me, and that he had to know me better, so he could love me. So, instead of leaving him alone, I became a bit invading in his life. One day, he had enough, and just told me to leave him alone for good, and that he would moved to another unit, far away from me, really soon. This was like a shock to me, but it helped me realize what a fool I had been for him, and to focus on myself” T., 32, said.

Most of the women I know have told me they lost their head once (and ever more) for a total loser that didn’t treat them the way they should. “I knew from the beginning he was a total jerk, but I couldn’t stay away from him. He was like a drug to me, I just needed him. All my friends had pity on me back then. I barely smiled, was constantly crying because he didn’t treat me the right way. I was unable to dump him, and finally he helped me by disappearing into nature” L, 32. “He was constantly talking in derogatory terms about the others, and in particular about women, but I fell for him anyway. And as promised , he treated me like a piece of dirt and told me my problems were ludicrous compared to those who really suffer on this planet. All my friends urged me to dump him, but I wouldn’t listen to them. Then, one day, I realized I deserved better than him, and I dumped him”K., 34, explained. And some women told me they need to suffer in a relationship just to feel alive. “I know dating bad guys isn’t good for me, because it keeps tearing me down. But at the same time, I never felt so alive during those relationships”I., 30, said.

Why do we fool ourselves like that? According to psychologists, it is linked to the conduct of failure: we are attracted to the ones that are bad to us and we have difficulty to separate from them. We choose what puts us in a failure, even if a better choice appears to us at the same time. This happens because we have a low self-esteem.

So, before falling into the arms of a total jerk, remember all those good advices from dontdatethatdude. And if you really want to fall for men that will do you no good, fall for Ben & Jerry. A guilty pleasure I would personally recommend.

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5 thoughts on “The perfect drug”

more so than sitting down with a bucket of ben and jerry’s phish food which is the most ungodly things to have ever been created… i can’t get enough of the stuff!

it is interesting how the conduct of failure is linked to a low self-esteem. in the military, they say pain is a good thing because it lets you know that you are still alive. maybe that is why being in such a tragically broken relationship is so addictive.

the women i remember most vividly are not the ones who gave their love so easily to me but the ones who took my love and utterly devastated me. luckily, there have been few of those…

This is such a complex issue and I recently posted the Title of one book in my post, Are You Addicted to Love? and even if you don’t think you are it is an excellent read if you have friends who exhibit these tendencies. Love Addiction has it’s roots in childhood trauma, usually abandonment and sets the love addict up to being attracted to love avoidants so they can replay and try to correct the original hurt. I really think you would enjoy the read, because as the name of your blog implies, what does love have to do with it? Low self esteem, as you mentioned plays a very large part in this obsession!

As usual your post brings up many issues with regard to love and relationships!
Thank you!

yes, i enjoy a little pain… a woman who knows how to bite and scratch just right is heavenly… and a woman who knows how to make a man constantly think about her with mental anguish even though they are far apart is intoxicating…

DDTD, thanks again! I will try to read this book (maybe I should put it in my wishlist for Christmas 😉
You’re right, our personal psychological problems play an important part in our love life. I’ve recently read a book written by Lucia Etxebarria, called a miracle in the balance, where she described among other things the conduct of failure and how it affects our life and our relationships. Childhood traumas are indeed determinant for our future love life. That’s a subject for another post 😀

Drunk american, if women love bad guys, men love mean women, but not the ones who are castrating them. There’s a balance to find…