One mother's attempt to grab life by the short and curlies following divorce. The aim is to maximise optimism and minimise cynicism - whilst being aided and abetted by two amazing sons, some great friends and possibly a thimble or two of wine. Admittedly, these are rather lofty aims...

Saturday, June 5, 2010

Happiness Is...

Happiness is...watching my boys play.

My God, they have the capacity right now to entertain themselves for hours. Now if only they had the ability to playfully entertain themselves in absolute silence, my life would be truly perfect.

But no. The play is generally noisy and exuberant and physical and, did I mention, noisy?

Of course, when we are outside the decibel level is less of an issue. Last Saturday I went with a friend and her 6 year old daughter to Foster Beach in Chicago. Within 23 seconds of hitting the sand the kids were off and playing and that is pretty much the last we saw of them for 3 hours. They built forts and trenches, buried toys, ran through the shallow water, turned cartwheels, chased seagulls, collected feathers, watched kites and made new friends. Captain Underpants played solo for a lot of the time - incredibly content in his own little world while his younger brother scampered around the beach my friend's daughter. There was no sand throwing, toy snatching, whinging or crying.

As I sat on our beach mat, feeding grapes or tortilla chips to cherubic open mouths at approximately 37 second intervals as the kids went swooping past (similar to feeding a nest of tiny birds) I marvelled at their imagination and incessant energy. At their complete and utter joy and satisfaction in running around in minimal clothing, without restriction or guidance or limitation (apart from the obvious: Try Not To Drown Yourselves Please).

I felt really privileged to witness this simple example of truly living in the moment, without a care in the world.

Not that I joined them, mind. Ooh, no. I have waited many a long year to be able to go to the beach and merely be a spectator to the action, rather than elbow deep in grainy, dirty sand (Chicago's beaches are great but they are man-made and the sand isn't the finest) building 20 million sandcastles scheduled for instant destruction. Surely now I have earned the right to simply be a sidelines voyeur? To watch as the games I have painstakingly played with them over the years are now replicated without me?

In the afternoon we drove to a friend's house for a barbecue and as the number of children present multiplied, so did the resulting chaos. You could have landed a jumbo jet on the roof and I don't think we would have noticed, they were making so much noise. Initially I felt a little irritated that the boys were being so boisterous, a reaction that I soon recognised as being caused by embarrassment more than anything else. Why was I getting so tetchy exactly? They weren't being unnecessarily unruly or naughty - they were just being very, very, very LOUD. The shrieks and laughter, chasing dinosaur roars and fleeing screams set my teeth on edge. It was hard to curb the urge to tell them to Calm (the fuck) Down.

Instead of pulling them to one side and hissing at them through clenched teeth to 'play more nicely' (whatever the hell that means) I just let them be. For several hours they barely paused for a breath. They ran and jumped, hollered and laughed while I sat chatting, glugging my lemon drop and gorging on perfectly succulent ribs. It was brilliant. There was no finer example displayed of the sheer joy of the simple act of PLAY. It was a reminder that, despite my current stresses and concerns, my boys are predominantly happy. Irrepressibly happy. Uncontainably happy. And that reminds me to be happy too. Even with all the self-doubt I have over my single parenting skills, it seems to me a reflection that I must be doing something right.

And the bonus? Boy, did they sleep well that night.

Happiness is...an unexpected compliment.

On the Bank Holiday Monday I took the boys to McDonald's for breakfast, as they had been badgering me to go for days. They're not really interested in the food, let's be honest, it's simply an excuse to nab a new toy - even if it is a piece of plastic Happy Meal tat that will be forgotten about by the time they get home. As I am a lightweight in the badgering department I acquiesce and drive them to their favourite McDonald's with a play place.

There is the usual stampede and clamber all over the toy display while I order food, before we all settle down on a row of tall bar stools to eat. I sit in the middle of them and, instead of being their usual ants-in-their-pants fidget bums, they are relatively calm and relaxed. We sit for 5 or 10 minutes, not long really, and I take full advantage of giving them opportune snuggles, kisses and hair ruffles. At one point Captain Underpants smooches into my lap and I squeeze him tight and nuzzle his face and neck. Sod the Egg McMuffin...my boys are far more edible than that McDonald's crap.

Pretty soon they scamper off to the play place and, as I am tidying up the debri from their meal, a man approaches me.

"Excuse me - are they your children?" he asks.

Bit of an odd question, I think, and tell him they are.

"Are they adopted?" he asks me.

Even stranger question, I think. They're not exactly mini-me's but I like to think there's a passing resemblence.

"No - they're my boys", I tell him.

"What a wonderful, loving mom you are." He tells me. "You are so loving to your children. It's not often you see that nowadays. They are very lucky boys to have such a loving mom. Watching you with them has really made my day."

Now you tell me...can you really get a finer compliment than that?

Just as well he hadn't been present 45 minutes earlier when I was screaming, "there will be no trip to McDonald's unless you both quit messing around and get your shoes on Right. This. Second. I'm NOT in the mood to ask you again, I'm telling you right now..."

Not sure he would have been quite so impressed with that familiar episode in our day.

Happiness is not...dwelling on the fact that the boys are currently in Disney with their dad and her - and not me. That's just a bit of a pisser, despite the fact that I am in 5* luxury in Barbados with my friend and her children.

A lovely compliment and no doubt justly deserved. And what a nice man to say so. So many people might think things like that and just walk away, but to actually say something shows generosity of spirit on his part too. Note to self: must do that more often

I meant to leave a comment ages ago! I love this post adn your description of your boys playing as boys should: yes boys do get loud and I think you were brilliant NOT to tell them to clam down...I know how you felt as I too get a tad embarrassed when mine are loud!