Most asexual people have run into all of these misconceptions by the time they’ve been through an adult relationship or two. Like most sexualities, asexuality is a spectrum, and unless one is rigidly careful to only date people exactly as ace as they are, they’re going to run into a mismatch of sexual needs.

That’s not as unusual as it gets made out to be. Allosexuals (people who experience sexual attraction) run into differing needs all the time. Differences in frequency, in kink, in stimulation—these can all be part of a healthy sexual partnership. And so can differences in attraction and need.

The key is communication, and sharing the work of compromise.

Some asexuals want no part of sex, and others are neutral on the topic. Some like sex as a fun activity, but don’t experience any yearning for it when it’s not on offer, or like sex quite a lot for itself but don’t experience any sexual attraction to any people, even their romantic partner. All of these are facets of asexuality.

In most mixed ace/allo relationships, sex is still on the table, though of course it’s up to the individuals involved. It’s vital that both sides be honest about what they need, what they enjoy, and where they need boundaries, and that they communicate that without pressure.

There’s no denying that sex is an important part of many romantic relationships. It is an intimate and bonding act to most people. But strong relationships will have more pillars than just sex, and if there isn’t room for compromise, in either direction, the partnership has other issues to work on.

Working together to find mutually satisfying solutions shouldn’t be a chore—rather, it should make a couple stronger.