My Emotionally Abusive Father

Cruelty and abuse, whether physical or emotional, should never be tolerated.

Q: My father has been absent or emotionally abusive of me throughout my life. Any attempt on my part to connect with him has failed miserably. Even at this late stage, I have been unable to have an adult to adult relationship with him. He is a habitual liar, verbally abusive and appears to delight in disappointing people and creating totally unnecessary chaos all around him.

I do not know what is wrong with him. I only know that his lies and rejection of me and my family have caused me years of pain. As much as I love him and wish things were better with us, at age 50 I realize this may never be. I have made sure our son is not affected by his grandfather’s indifference and unkindness.

Is it okay to stop trying and to detach from him? He is wealthy and does not need anything. I want to do the right thing, but in being good to him I hurt myself, because my father treats me as if I were not even his daughter. He only acknowledges his son, totally overlooking me, my sister and our families.

What is the right thing to do?

Dear Reader,

We are prisoners of those whose approval we seek. Sadly, you have tried to get into the good graces of your father for the better part of 50 years, and to no avail. It is finally hitting home. The realization is dawning upon you that this situation is unlikely to change. Coming to terms with reality is a major step in the direction of healing and healthy living.

Until now your expectations have set you up for recurrent disappointment and worst of all resentment. Resentment, it has been said, is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. In fact, as you know, it is the one harboring the resentment that suffers debilitating pain and anguish. You, my dear reader, have eaten yourself up alive all these years. And now it is time to step back.

You have eaten yourself up alive all these years. And now it is time to step back.

We should not set out to control or even modify the behavior of others. Jurisdiction extends only to our own responses. Your father’s behavior toward you during these many years has proven the verity of this principle, as you stated “all my attempts have failed miserably.”

We often operate with a preconceived script for our lives and our relationships. In this case, you had an expectation of how a father should be. At some point, confronting the truth becomes inevitable. He is who he is and what he is. Certainly there are factors that impact who a person becomes – childhood experiences, parents, teachers, friends, traumas (e.g. Holocaust), etc. Exploring background information, his past, or his formative years may or may not be helpful in generating understanding and perhaps feelings of compassion. Nonetheless, the script as you would have wished it to be is unlikely to ever be realized.

Fighting Stance

Acceptance would, of course, be the ideal approach. Acknowledging who he is – his limitations and letting go of expectations – would be liberating. It would allow you not to banish him from your life, while at the same time it would remove the shackles of power that he wields over you. This can be done in two ways:

Firstly, a mode borrowed from the martial arts has been suggested to be effective in the emotional arena as well. Physical fighting stances involve balance, alignment, weight distribution and posture. A psychological fighting stance is all about emotional balance – self-acceptance, abiding by your own moral code, forgiving yourself for failing to reach perfection (a rare achievement) and finally, offering yourself as much compassion as you would give a beloved friend.

This works because cruelty, to be effective, has to land on a welcoming spot in the victim’s belief system. In Eleanor Roosevelt’s immortal counsel: “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” If we hold onto ourselves, secure in the conviction that we are okay (and that usually requires a lot of work), it is unlikely that others will seriously rock our boat. It is usually the insecurity we live with that allows those who seek to marginalize us to score points.

Another tactic is to be totally upfront and disarming by making statements such as: “Dad, this really hurt me, I need you to stop, I need you to hear me out.” Share your feelings and needs openly. Don’t wait for him to get it on his own. Let him know point-blank how distressing the given comment or interaction has been to you.

On the other hand, you can continue a degree of relationship from afar. Send holiday and birthday wishes, or leave a voice mail when you know he won’t be answering. This allows you to show your respect, without having to directly interact. From your letter it seems that you still yearn to connect, and this means you don’t have to quit cold turkey.

Respecting Boundaries

Consider Helen, whose father smothered her and sought to control her with his incessant demands for attention. Nothing she did ever sufficed. Her husband and children found his unending criticisms and complaints oppressive. Helen finally moved to another city. Phone calls were more manageable because she could either not answer or cut them short. Having gotten some distance and perspective, Helen invited her father to join her in counseling so that they might work toward a more mutually satisfying relationship.

Now, some years later, Dad comes to visit but respects Helen’s boundaries – when to come, how long to stay and when to leave. Phone calls are engaged when it is convenient for both of them. On occasion when things get out of hand temporarily, they go back to the therapist for adjustment.

Do not feel guilty for choosing to detach in order to protect you and your family.

Parenthetically, Helen worked very hard for the self-affirmation and confidence that allowed her to hold onto herself and do what she knew was right, and not to allow the fear of rejection and guilt to derail her.

The bottom line is that cruelty and abuse, whether physical and/or emotional, is not normal and should never be tolerated. Do not feel guilty for choosing to detach in order to protect you and your family. Our obligation to honor our parents does not mean putting your emotional well-being in danger.

In the event that the suggestions articulated above have not and would not work for you, I would recommend that you seek professional help. You deserve to find peace, to come to terms, and to assuage the torment of so many years.

About the Author

Rebbetzin Feige Twerski of Milwaukee, Wisconsin has devoted her life to Jewish education and Outreach, giving lectures worldwide on a myriad of Judaic subjects. She is a mother of 11 children, and many grandchildren whose number she refuses to divulge. She serves as the Rebbetzin along side her husband, Rabbi Michel Twerski, of Congregation Beth Jehudah of Milwaukee.

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 63

(49)
Anonymous,
July 1, 2016 10:49 AM

Part 3

Do we allow people to contaminate or ethics, morals, and values by having a person who makes choices that harm his own children and grandchildren and how long do we try to mend a relationship that we did not break, they broke it, we want it fixed, but they are not willing to work on it as well as having no compassion for the pain and suffering from longing and loss that we live with every day and have felt extreme pain over for decades? It is like a bereavement that has not end because they are alive. Now I am 56 a have been estranged from the most significant, valuable, relationship that I had for 14 years, all my feelings of love, gratitude, appreciation, loyalty, and devotion are as present today as they were at 14. It is having been decades of pain and suffering praying and hoping there would be some kind of awareness on his part of what was done. Like the questioner my father lives at the top of end of wealth, luxury vacations, homes, cars, boats, art, and even an airplane. He does not share his wealth with anyone other than the woman who invaded our home when I was 14 and of course her children from her previous marriage. Those children are good, his children are bad and no amount of talk will change that belief system that she created as their reality. I will continue to miss him and love him but I want to detach if for no other reason than to model for my children that we do not have to accept people in our lives that have not asked forgiveness and until they do we should be able to at least make a statement. If or when you find yourself capable of seeing reality and acknowledging those you have harmed. I am going no contact. I have not done that yet but I want to for the sake of my children.

(48)
Anonymous,
July 1, 2016 10:48 AM

Limit to letters allowed this is part 2 and next will be 3

I accept the rejection and pain but I don't feel like my children should have to suffer. My Dad will not be honest nor own how he really feels it is all hidden. He states he loves me and my children but has made no attempt to contact me in over 6 years and while traveling all around the world with her and hers. Family means everything to me. I wish my Dad cared but reality is reality. That is not how you treat someone you care about.

(47)
Anonymous,
July 1, 2016 10:46 AM

Upset with response to this question.

Aggravated with Dear reader response. There was ZERO resentment in the question. I am in a very similar situation. I was securely attached to my Dad for 14 years. A characterological disturbed woman was aloud in our family home. The experience was brutal because I trusted adults and it took year after year for a decade after leaving to finally put the entire puzzle together. She was a manipulator. Basically roles were assigned. I was the scapegoat/abuser so all manner of dramatic outrageous stories was told. I was accused of thoughts I never had, feelings I never felt, words I never said and acts I never committed. My Dad trusted her and believes her and he broke the bond we had for 14 years. He was the victim, so he may mention some minor thing about me and she would kick in high gear in dramatic flair, you poor thing, you don't deserve to be treated like that, I feel so bad for you darling, you shouldn't have to suffer like this! Her role was to rescue, comfort and save the victim. Well it is crazy making stuff because I wasn't in on the story and my voice was stolen. She not only wanted him to have an x-wife she also wanted him to be an x-father to me and become a father to children she had from a prior marriage. She got exactly what she wanted he has been involved with the lives of her and her children while behaving passive/aggressively toward me for well over four decades. I have the same issue as the questioner.

(46)
Anonymous,
November 11, 2015 4:46 AM

Distance Yourself - It's not about you-it's them.

I remember my father growing up as being angry, obsessive, and controlling. He did provide financially, and from outward appearances our family seemed happy. He would turn on the charm for outsiders. Yet emotionally and socially he had NOTHING to give. Whenever I would accomplish something, he would cut me down with some comment. I often wondered why? Why wouldn't he be proud? I told him once-"You have nothing to give, do you?" He didn't respond. If someone gave me a compliment while he was there, he would say, "Don't give him a big head". I don't think he ever cared about me as a person, but rather saw me as something to brag about to others. We never wanted for anything material. Yet the emotional abuse was evident. I'll never understand why he was like this. My only guess is that he was mistreated himself. He grew up with little money, and maybe his father was the same way. I didn't know my grandfather that well before he died. I'll never know for sure. I think he was afraid,; afraid of having no one and being abandoned. I came to realize it was all about him. Emotionally there was something wrong-missing. Don't poison yourself with anger and resentment. It will only hurt you, no one else cares! You don't have to forgive or accept that your abusive was acceptable behavior. Rather take a reflective stance, and understand that there is something wrong with your father. Give yourself space, and realize those are not truths about you. Look to your future. We all wish to have had the perfect life (childhood), yet we have to accept that when we are children, we had to make the best of what we had no control over (with the cards we were dealt). Nourish yourself in the future with people and things that make your essence happy. You can only control yourself-no one else. Take care of your body and mind and seek joy and passion in your life. The past "is what it is". Accept that and move forward and take care of YOU.

Anonymous,
July 9, 2016 3:54 PM

same story follows with my father and due to which i have lost much ,i to have lost friends and cousins ,because i couldnt grow emotionly and develop my conversation skills.

same story follows with my father and due to which i have lost much ,i to have lost friends and cousins ,because i couldnt grow emotionly and develop my conversation skills.

(45)
Anonymous,
August 5, 2014 2:24 PM

Ongoing emotional abuse

My girlfriend is mid-30s and I've lived with her for 2 years. It's her house but over the time we've been together, we've made it into our home and she's always made that clear to me. Her father calls round quite regularly and until very recently we've always got on well. I knew that he had a short temper but I'd never bore the brunt of that until a couple of weeks ago. We had an argument (or at least her father flew off the handle at me over something very insignificant that was easily corrected) and I stood up to him in a calm, controlled way without shouting or swearing at him. Since then, things deteriorated to the point where, when I was unwilling to act as if everything was normal and nothing had happened, he told his daughter that she had to tell me to leave our home. I know she is scared of her father and so understand why she didn't feel strong enough to stand up to him at that time but I'm concerned about her and her ability to have a happy future. We are still together, although living apart currently, and have both said that our futures lie with each other. Any advice about how to deal with this situation would be very much appreciated.

Hello,
September 30, 2014 12:38 AM

I recommend a restraining order and a bunch of hidden camers.

(44)
Anonymous,
May 27, 2014 11:34 PM

You guys are smart, I was 38 when I realized my parents were my worst enemies

My story is a lot like yours. I escaped the horrors of sexual abuse, but grew up in constant terror from a narcissistic father. Not a day passed without a horrible row and constant rage at the slightest excuse. At age 3 was the first time I tried to escape this nightmare. Then came depression, suicide attempts, repeated abuse at the hands of countless more narcissists who I was drawn to like a fly to fire. Only in my mid thirties did I realize cutting them off completely is the only way. None of my needs were ever met. Even my clothes were dirty. We had a roof above our heads and enough food but that was it. I lost teeth as a young teen because it would not occur to my parents to take me to a dentist. I had to get a job at age 14 to buy books for school, because these c@&£s kept their money for themselves. How on earth I managed a straight a school record is a mystery, not that I ever, ever got the slightest credit for it. My sister had thicker skin and suffered less but I was caught up with different psych diagnoses for decades. Only now am I starting to pull myself together. Of course the c@&£s have zero insight and never expressed a shred or remorse. That did it for me. If they at least regretted what they did to us but they go full retard about how they "always loved us". I wish you guys forgiveness. I will never forget my N father and my mother who sacrificed her own kids at the cultish altar of her f@&£ed up husband. Reckoning is coming though. I will do as much to meet their needs when they are old as they did to meet mine, when I was a vulnerable kid I.e. NOTHING.

chris,
August 6, 2014 3:55 AM

I totally agree. especially with the i.e. NOTHING!!! And now my mother at 91 years of age, still no remorse so I have stopped expecting any remorse and just deal with my own life! Incredible, I think and it sounds like they have a psychological disorder, fantasizing that everyone is wrong and they are right. The fact that there is no remorse despite the age and despite what Eleanor Roosevelt may have said, depicts the seriousness of their pathology!!! Which we can't cure, so we have to stop trying to do so!!!

(43)
Julie,
May 25, 2013 12:01 PM

My 15-year-old daughter

The woman with the question sounds like my 15-year-old daughter. My daughter insists on living with her father even though It is an incredibly unhealthy situation. She was in the gifted program (through no help from her father) but is now failing all of her classes and has been diagnosed with depression. It is a bizarre and frustrating situation. I had a very decent and caring father so I don't know what it is like to have a bad father. My thought for people with abusive fathers is - At some point you're going to have to let it go and stay away from him. Even though it's your father, it's just one person.

(42)
dori,
April 28, 2013 6:49 AM

see the picture

I agree-cut contact with parent who provides hurt. This way you have space to reflect. There will be moments when you might see positive characteristics in your father and be proud of them. There might be even time to understand that he is acting out because he was abused/not cared for or raised well. That does not mean you should contact and have relationship. i sometimes send present to dad. it's kind of easier than words. His communication hurts. Deep down he loves me and he expresses it in the worst way. Fortunately I can honor my father by seeing that he has some positive qualities and helped me visualizing him as a boy and his environment he grew up with. Too bad that parent take frustruation on the most precious people--their family.

Joe,
May 18, 2013 10:46 PM

ex fiance

Went out with my ex for 3 years before I proposed. Kinda knew her father wasn't the greatest. Her parents couldn't raise her and had his parents legally adopt her. Her father was nuts. Constantly berated her screaming about stupid petty things and controlling her thru his mother since she was elderly and my ex took care of her since he wouldn't do anything. He would talk down to her all the time. I felt horrible and really couldn't do much about it. Told her to lose contact with him since she doesn't need to be treated like that. She couldn't let go of him and don't know why. Just heartbreaking for me.

(41)
tamara,
April 25, 2013 10:46 PM

keep yourself safe and happy

I found out at 5 that my parents were not as they should have been. It is my faith that keep me safe and help me to deal with thier problems. Oh yes I still feel lost sometimes. Pray helps with the at the darkest moments. You can not make your parents parent,that is something that that they must aspire to. I know that I have tried to be a better parent to my kids, that is a work that is always in progress. You must not beat yourself up for thier failures. Know that God gives us the freedom of choice, and sometimes he helps us with the hurdles. When you think that yo can change them look in the mirror that is the only person you can change and give thanks to god that you know that. I am fighting for grandchildren who have been given to thier father who is emotionally abusive. It will cost a lot to get them back, but the money is not the problem. You have to do now what is right for you. My own father did not know about my mother(or care) until he was dying, he appolgize for his failures, and it made me happy for the first time in my life. God bless you and know that others care about you, go out and meet them.

(40)
Anonymous,
February 23, 2013 4:57 PM

Your story is my story

When I was a child my father was physically abusive. As an adult, he continued to abuse me emotionally with lies, cruelty, excluding behavior and more. I love him. He is my father. My nature is to trust. For years I have allowed him to reel me in only to experience the sharp slap of targeted meanness via him or his wife at random. Even worse, he has used his wealth and power to harm my future (as well as my daughter's future - a different story....) For example, Although I didn't know it, I was accepted into a prestigious college he donates to. I would have loved to attend this school. 20 years later I run into the admissions officer who interviewed me, asked him why I didn't get in. He told me I did get in, but my father wrote them a letter saying I was no longer interested. It's a hard reality to face - to truly acknowledge that a parent wishes emotional hardship on his own child. It's beyond most people's comprehension. Especially when that parent is wearing the glamour of wealth and appears to be a pillar of the community. There is so much more to this sad sad story but I think you get the idea.
I've told my extended family some of my story and they reject it in its entirety. I am now being shunned. A very hard road indeed. I believe God will get me through this. He will heal me. As I continue to pray for my family I also know it is best I move on into this world without them. I no longer want to be used in the interest of another person's sickness.

Anonymous,
November 28, 2013 3:30 PM

I totally understand how you feel. I had something similar happen with my father who sounds very much like yours. Fortunately, he did "break" later so some people got an idea of who he really is, but still most think he is an upstanding father- like people think of your dad. Just wanted to share that I feel the same way you do.

(39)
Anonymous,
February 7, 2013 6:15 PM

Amazing, God bless you Rebbetzin Feige Twerski. So much clarity and understanding has come into my heart, I now understand myself and my Father a whole lot better.

(38)
Anonymous,
December 6, 2012 7:02 PM

Honor thy father vs Protect thyself and thy family

My father in law is exactly what I would call emotionally abusive. He has a strict view of how things should be and if anyone disagrees with him they are automatically the bad person, and he lets them know it. My father in law put's down my husband, my brother in law, he used to put down my mother in law before she divorced him, he has called me names (not to my face, but my husband told me) and has basically no relationship or a bad relationship with most of his family. My husband insists he has to honor his father. My question is, honor what? My husband himself has admitted that that the things his father says are degrading and hurtful. But, when I say the father is a toxic person, my husband jumps to his defense and he says he has to honor his father. My husband says "it's not like he's a murderer or a rapist." Really? That's his comparison? Yes, he doesn't hurt others, but he hurts his family. Doesn't it say somewhere that you have to help you family first? Care for your family first? I will say that his father is not always awful (usually, but not always), but the unpredictability is just as bad. The father lives in a different country and contact is somewhat limited, but it's the hold he has over my husband that bothers me. My husband has tried talking to his father and so have others, but his father just says he's right and everyone else is wrong and that's it. I want to protect my husband, I want to protect myself and I want to protect our future children, but all my husband wants to do is honor his father, because that's what the Torah commands. Is there anything in the Torah about dealing with an abusive father?

(37)
Anonimous,
September 14, 2012 2:35 AM

What a Great Feeling

I have finally cut ties with my father. Like the writer above I felt guilty cutting him off. However, over the past two years as I fought breast cancer he never came to visit me, never sent flowers, or even a card.,,even when I begged him to come see me. This has given me the ability to let go. I no longer feel like I owe him anything. It is so obvious that he doesn't care about me. He kept expecting to call me on Sunday's like he always has, but I just can't do it anymore. He has put me down, ignored me, and as you said made me feel invisible my entire life. And just as the writer above he is treating my kids the same way. He is no grandfather at all. I feel so relieved to have let go of what I now realize has been a lifetime of neglect and abuse. Thank you for validating my decision. My relationship has been so unhealthy and I feel wonderful to finally be totally lifted out and away from him and his family. I can begin my life now confident and happy....so relieved!!!

(36)
Anonymous,
July 8, 2012 9:10 PM

Verbally abusive father to my grandchildren and daughter, his wife

I cam across this site searching for an answer in to how best deal with the son-in-laws verbal abuse to my 8 and 10 year old grandsons. I live in another state, however, I visit them often and have witnessed the verbal anger against them. The little one told his aunt that he wants to die, the older can't wait until he is18 to leave home. I have tried talking to my son-in-law and he is aware that he sometimes treats them like they were "marines" -- I think my daughter is afraid to leave and I have witnessed how she tries to protect them emotionally. They are so happy when they are around her. But when the father comes home everything changes. Would I be wrong to contact their school principle and address my concerns?

D,
April 28, 2013 6:16 AM

you should tell your daughter to find courage to divorce him. I had father like that. my mom divorced when i was 16 and my brother 14. you should support her any way possible--offer her to live at your home. How talking to principal is going to solve things? verbal abuse is as toxic as physical.

(35)
Anonymous,
June 29, 2012 7:26 PM

I find this article to be very helpful, if one is ABLE to utilize the techniques he has outlined. Unfortunately, for children of abusive fathers, this is much easier said than done. My dad was verbally and physically abusive when I was a kid, and he is still verbally abusive, as well as [and this is the most painful], withholding of affection and attention. Most of the times I'm around him now, it's as if I'm invisible. This is almost worse than verbal abuse, because at least when someone is verbally abusive towards you, you feel visible! I'm trying to learn to live without his approval, which I feel I desperately need, but it's very, very hard. He also is a woman-hater, so this obviously doesn't help matters! It all boils down to learning to love oneself. Good luck to you all.

(34)
Anonymous,
May 9, 2012 12:35 AM

Dear Anoynomous...

Dear Anoynomous,
While you didn't say what country you are in, I suggest you find a friend with whom you can live. Get your friends to help you move out when they are out of the house. Why do you let them have your check? Do you have relatives who can help? Go to a church and ask for help! Get a Bible and read the Psalms. It will be cimforting. God loves you, even if your parents treat you badly. Whatever you can do, do it! God bless you! There is hope!

(33)
Deborah,
April 14, 2012 7:18 PM

Our parents and how they hurt us!

If not for the internet and sharing by other people I would not have realized that this happens more often than not. If only people realize that unkind words or actions cannot be taken back with an apology. Too often this gets transferred from your parents to your children as you know no other method of parenting. I am thankful that as soon as I realized I was acting like my parents I signed up for parenting classes to learn another way of parenting. I did not want my child to grow up with all the emotional abuse I had to endure. The only hope for most of us is to seek out kind and caring friendships and be better to our families than they were to us.

(32)
Anonymous,
April 1, 2012 11:16 AM

Eleanor Roosevelt’s immortal counsel: “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” well, i wonder if she would have really said this about children with abusive parents. i don't think so. It's not easy to recover after 17 years of mental and physical abuse. If a child is brought up believing she is worthless, it lingers. LIke Martha, I would have killed myself too had I not left as soon as I could. No matter how far away I've gone I am plagued with ongoing internal obligation to maintain contact with my mother, who lives with my abusive father. He knows this and he will never change. It's a ball and chain even an ocean away from where they are. No amount of therapy or self help has changed it. I truly believe that I need to cut all contact with him, but I fear for my mother.

(31)
Katherine,
March 27, 2012 5:25 AM

The Neverending cycle...

I have never in my life seen a group of posts so relateable as these. I am touched and saddened by your stories and can't tell you how in a strange way it is comforting to know other people out there like me. Eversince I was a little girl - my mother and dad have treated me like garbage. They would beat me, tell me I was worthless, ugly, and wished I would just die. Because of this, I was very messed up and very suicidal most of my life. I used my sense of humor and had good friends who would listen to me and comfort me to get me through. However, I was constantly caught in a cycle of trying to please people who clearly did not like me have very much concern over my emotional well-being. My father left when I was around 13 and would be in and out. When he would suddenly come back, he would have to endure potential beatings and verbal degredation. It was like walking on eggshells around him all of the time. My mother is worse in that she cannot control her temper and can't hold a normal conversation. She just starts yelling and can't admit when she is wrong about things. She says things like "let's not associate with eachother anymore - I don't want to have anything to do with you" and proceed to say, "I can be a cold person - don't need you and I won't feel a thing." Recently, my younger brother wanted to get married and my father has spread all kinds of horrible things about his fiancee because he hates her and wants them to break off their engagement. He's just a vile person. my brother and I can't stand him or want to tolerate him anymore. This sounds awful, but sometimes, I wish I would get cancer and just die. Then I won't have to deal with them or the pain anymore. I just feel like the pain will never stop.

(30)
Anonymous,
March 12, 2012 1:01 AM

My 81 year old father is giving me the silent treatment, again!

Help! I am a happily married 54 year old professional with a great wife and 3 great kids. My problem is that my father, an 81 year old attorney, who is still working 80 hour weeks, demands respect which is more important to him than active communication and talking out our differences. I have always had to "walk on eggshells" when talking to him, out of fear that he will consider me to be disrepectful and not talk to me until I "apologize". The last episode happened 3 years ago when my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer, and I showed "disrespect" by calling her physician myself in order to understand her treatment. Keep in mind that I am a physician myself, though not an oncologist, so talking to another physician is second nature to me. My father did not talk to me for 3 weeks because "I did not seek his permission to do so". Now, after accepting a board position in my synagogue which he also attends, he is not talking to me because I did not reveal the details of a conversation I had with the shul president; I was "disresectful" because when he asked me what the president had discussed with me, i replied, "Dad, it was nothing". His attitude is hurtful and insulting to me as an adult. The final straw this past Shabbat was that he could not even attend the Seudat Shlishit I sponsored in honor of my wife's mother's yairtzeit, nor could he even wish me may the neshama have an aliya! I am fed up and am questioning where "kibud Av" ends and my own self-preservation begins!
Help!

(29)
Irene,
March 6, 2012 1:57 AM

Can you relate?

Can the author of this post relate to a parent who has really ABUSED them? I'm not talking about a parent who merely has episodes of being cranky, or neglectful, but consistently and maliciously ABUSIVE.
I think not.
Any reputable therapist would advise a victim of such a situation to cut all ties to such a person.
However, the author flippantly makes a reference to the "martial arts" and states that no matter what you do, you are obligated to subject yourself to an abusive parent.
That type of tolerance--tolerance for unrepentant sinfulness--despite the obvious emotional (and physical) pain it causes the abused, is NOT a Torah prinicple.
I encourage all those abused by family members to cease all contact with their unrepentant abusers, and seek a professional counsellor to start the healing process.

(28)
Anonymous,
March 2, 2012 1:23 AM

What can I do? Help me

Hi everyone, I have a very abusive parents and I don't know what I can do about it. My dad always calls me 'unlucky' instead of my name and he tries to control me all the time; he looks in his cars back mirror and tells me how he hates to see me and how his eyes hurt to see me. I cried all the time when I was younger but now I no longer cry, my parents told me to go and die number of times and I myself stood on top of a 6 floor building thinking that maybe I can find peace if I die but I thought there were more to see in life but I didn't realize there were only more abuse. Now, when I try to go out with friends, my parents told me to come by 7p.m. or they will call police and report me missing, but I finish work at 6p.m. and how do I come before 7? They paid half of my university tuition and now they're holding me financially telling me to pay all the tuition back before I can leave. They take all my wages and leaves me with 20$ from my wage. I have to report and explain all the reasons when I need money. I'm taking yoga classes now and my dad doesn't like it so he told me to quit and has been in continuous argument with him regarding this. I thought I could find some peace through meditation and easy exercise. I don't know what I can do? in our country there's no legal system protecting human rights, I am at the point where I'm constantly thinking of suicide. and what could be an easier way of finding peace? Is it worth living when even my family hates me?

Martha Rullman,
March 5, 2012 5:04 PM

Get out of there

This made me very upset. I also have abusive parents, but I probably would have killed myself already if I had to live with them. I assume you are of age since you went to college and they have no legal bounds to tell you what you can and can't do. The first thing you need to do is leave and get away from them. You can't have a life until you do that, and they will continue to exert their sick power and control over you until you leave.

Anonymous,
April 9, 2012 9:19 PM

not exactly the same

Do you have anywhere else to live? It I'm 23 and have been living with my mother who has a mental illness and a personality disorder. my father moved out 2 years ago and i've been the main subject of abuse (not as obvious as you describe mine was more under-handed, manipulative) it took me 6 years to finally pick up and leave. (and i am taking it very hard especially being the oldest girl and leaving siblings behind) but the thing that's been getting me through this is having other families to rely on that are 'normal', relying on their constant support, their open door and knowing that whatever help i need i can go to them, find yourself a 'safe family' where you can have a healthy relationship with a 'trusted adult' (the trust may not come right away) but allow yourself to develop a solid relationship and I wish you much success in finding a healthy emotional life!

(27)
Anonymous,
February 16, 2012 4:20 AM

Stop blaming mothers

While some mothers have issues, I am in a dysfunctional situation where the father ducks, dodges, all accountability of his emotional abuse wielded on his innocent daughter. She has had to endure so much psychological abuse, ie, "I saved you from being the abortion your mother wanted you to be", (snearing). Thats the one that has made most men cry who have known us. She's only known him 2 years through the courts after filing for his rights from a prison cell. I am her mother and in over a decade I never badmouthed him or his family but the courts have embraced his "want' to be in his childs life. They rally around him allowing this behavior and sucking the love, light and joy right out of her life. I no longer promote him. I can honestly after not caring enough to hate him, I hate him. Her self esteem has been thrown in the toilet along with her happiness. She has no voice and no protection. He rides on her back to sound as if he a shred of integrity or honor "only wanting to know his daughter". When in fact he's exacting his revenge on me through her and all coddle him since it sounds so good against mean ol' me. His threats are exactly what he has done 12 years later. She had no right to be happy and loving because he has DNA. He was welcome if he wanted to add to her life. I would've happily embraced that effort. But I know him and he scares me.
Oh and she doesn't know he threatened to cut her from my stomach and murder us after poking holes in a condem trying to entrap me and I refused a marriage proposal. So don't listen to the guy dying to pin it all on mothers. Shame on all who hurt children knowingly and I pray for the real GOD not their fake God to take care of what the courts have done to these children with. If it walks like a duck??? DUCK? probably

(26)
s,
January 28, 2012 5:49 AM

4 against 1

Ever since I was a little I remember my father fighting with my mom trying to control her and manipulate her. As I grew older he started to abuse me, emotionally and physically. He would throw chairs and tables at me. My 2 other siblings are scared that this will happen to them so they are basically slaves to my dad so he won't hurt them. He manipulates them and my mother to hate me and to hit me. I am now 18, and this is still going on. I feel like I am at my breaking point.

(25)
Jersey Girl,
January 4, 2012 9:57 PM

Been there, Done That.

Parents are not perfect. I recently tracked down my Jewish absentee father after 40 years to get medical background info. within 5 minutes of talking to him i understood why my mother never looked for him. Sad to say, but sometimes that great cosmic machine produces a dud. at 68, my father is not going to have an Oprah-induced "aha" moment. He's not going to change. I consider myelf lucky that this is the worst thing I've ever had to deal with.

(24)
Anonymous,
January 3, 2012 4:06 AM

speaking out

Do not remain silent in the face of a human rights abuse, even if speaking out consists of sending a letter of protest. Many legislative bodies have issued directives forbidding racial and religious discrimination and hatred. silence, said Elie wiesel, a nazi concentration camp survivor and Nobel peace Laureate, encourages the tormentor, never the tormented.

(23)
suzie,
January 3, 2012 3:52 AM

love shouldn't have to hurt.

My father is also very abusive both emotional,verbally and psychologically, and the worst thing that he could have ever done to his own adult child is to me and in my eyes is the unforgivable sin against me, he has legally petitioned the court to have a legal guardian over me and all because he he is the cruelest and cold-hearted man , I am of age and I am very competent and very intelligent and i've never ever been in trouble with the law ever never i'm a law abiding citizen but what happened to me can easily happen to any of us, and it's guardianship abuse , Guardianship abuse occurs when people use a system set up to protect vulnerable citizens to steal from them instead after they have them committed to guardianship where they are powerless to defend themselves. they are deprived of all civil, constitutional and human rights. this horrific crime is perpetrated against vulnerable citizens because of pure greed. perpetrators use guardianships and conservatorships to steal peoples lives so they can steal their money. It can happen to anyone. example? just look at mrs. britney spears:( I'm wanting to speak up and out about guardianship and the dangers that it can have and bring when used for the wrong reasons, and in my case this was only used to further the abuse so i wanted to share this with you because it is another form of modern-day slavery. and must be abolished asap. thank you.

(22)
Anonymous,
December 12, 2011 12:29 AM

It is the Mothers who are emotionally abusive, not fathers!

sorry folks, but as the wife of a divorced dad who is loving and caring and supportive and kind, I have experienced first hand the cruelty, emotional and psychological abusive of my step-children by their mother. I have also had my eyes open to the myriads of women who emotionally abuse their children, who propagandize against the fathers and create parent alienation against the fathers by bad-mouthing and lying about the fathers. My step-children will, g-d forbid, end up like the respondents of this article, not due to their loving, caring and kind father, but due to their own mother, who lies, distances herself from the children, manipulates them (we had to beg her to come to her own sons recent bar mitzvah in July!) and when she is done manipulating the children and estranging them from their father, she chews the kids up and spits them out, causing them to crave her sick attention. Meanwhile, the childrens loving and good father, gets taken for granted. Respondents, look at your mothers, you will probably see the abuse originates with them.

N,
December 13, 2011 8:06 PM

It can be one or the other parent...

I don't like Anonymous' post because it seems he believes it always to be the mother. My mom tried hard to involve my father and, after she died, things got really bad when we went to live with our father, as then the emotional abuse turned violent. My mom was not the one at fault, but my father was the one responsible for his behavior.
As an adult, my father has stolen money from his children, lied about us, and lies to us constantly. It is because my mother wanted me to keep trying that I did not give up entirely on the relationship.
Your comment shows a prejudice that forgets that there is a difference between your personal situation and what others experience. Just because one father is loving and kind does not mean all fathers are loving and kind. I have friends who had wonderful fathers and terrible mothers, some who got wonderful parents across the board, and then there are some like me, who had great mothers and not so wonderful fathers.
My mom was not perfect, but she was not to blame for my father's lies, his lack of paying child support (A mere $75 a month and it went unpaid for years.), or the fact he never once came to a school assembly, despite my calling to tell him about every single one of them before they happened. When he remarried, he did not even bother to tell us, although he claims otherwise.
Your situation does not define the experiences of others.

(21)
Margaret,
November 14, 2011 12:06 AM

Verbally abusive father

I was a victim of an emotionally abusive father. I feel this period of my life,from 7 to 21 years of age has affected my trust in people over the years. I am now quite elderly. He has been dead for many years but I cannot forget those early years. I tell myself "let it go".but still feel the hurt and of keeping out of his way as much as possible in my growing years.

(20)
Anna,
November 8, 2011 5:29 PM

It really is something that takes so much out of you as the victim. I'm 46 and now is that I'm able to stand up to my father and tell him to stop all he does that hurts me or he will definately lose the only daughter he has. It has been quiet for a few days and it all appears to be well but if i have learned something is that with no warning the verbal and emotional abuse will come again. Because unless he changes it won't stop. I know for a fact he doesn't want to change. Therefore you are right, separation is the way to go in order to achieve self preservation. Sad but true. Also, prayer so that you won't become bitter and hateful. Because like the doctor says "bitterness and hatefulness is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die."

(19)
Puffy,
November 6, 2011 4:42 AM

I'm in the same position

I totally feel for you. My father is much the same as yours and is also very wealthy. I'm also 50 years old and have put up with his verbal and emotional abuse for my entire life. At this late date, I am learning acceptance of who he is. I moved about 800 miles away from home in order to detach and to avoid being drawn into the drama he seems to so enjoy creating. After everything my father has put me through I don't want to alienate him now and risk is anger so that he decides to cut me out of his will. I worked for him for years without pay and genuinely feel like I earned my share after putting up with all the horrible things he put me and my sister through. He also badgered my mother into an early grave after breaking her spirit down so she felt worthless and ended up drinking her herself to death. People like my dad are experts at creating chaos, making sure you are always walking on eggshells and if somehow you managed once to gain the upper hand or the sympathy of an outsider, he would be punitive to the degree that you'd never dare again to cross him. He always manages to squash any show of independence. The only way I was able to escape this was to move far away and phone once a month to say hello. Our relationship has never been better.

(18)
Sarah Green,
March 11, 2011 8:45 AM

Abusive father

Why is the writer and everyone commenting going around in circles making excuses? The person is an adult (50) and should grow up and act like one.
Everyone talks like the past makes us who we are and we are slaves to that: I have many friends who have undergone horrendous abuse but who are wonderful parents. Her father is selfish and self-centred and being rich means he believes he can afford to be. When he snaps she should just put him in his place and tell him he has to respect her if he likes it or not.
She should not keep allowing him to abuse her because soon her children will not respect her either and do the same.

Lauren,
June 28, 2011 4:21 PM

I am also a victim of an emotionally abusive father, and my expression of opinions and repeated standing up to him has only fueled his anger and hatred. I've realized that for these kind of fathers, detachment is necessary. These fathers view their own families as scum, inferior to everyone else in the world. Limited, if not no contact with such fathers will lead to better lives.

gabe,
August 22, 2011 2:58 PM

You clearly don't understand. You can't tell the letter writer to 'grow up' when you have no *idea* what this is like. Your comment rude, obnoxious, and disgustingly smug. What a horrible person you must be.

Kim,
September 18, 2011 2:45 AM

Dont judge until you walk a mile in the other person's shoes.

I think you need to do some research on verbal and emotional abuse, and the horrible effects a person has to deal with all their life. You can take 100 people and put them in the same identical situation, and each one will respond in a different way. You need to grow up and stop judging something you obviously have never been forced to live with.

It is important to see people as individuals and on a case by case basis. Universalizing traits to holocaust militates against individuality. Precisely what fascism and those who persecute our people do! Loving parents who did and do the best for their children is a commonality - not an exception. Having said that - as this article does is focus on how to get control over our own lives by adjusting our expectations of our parents and of ourselves. Torah study believe it or not and with the right teachers can be as psychologically healing as therapy - if not more. We have community context as Jews - and models and examples from our Biblical forebears to learn about ourselves!

(16)
Anonymous,
March 8, 2011 7:50 PM

wow such strange comments

one person above commented that the person writing the letter seems to have some serious problem. Do me a favor. The FATHER is OBVIOUSLY mentally ill.
Do you know how many of us grew up with parents who survived the holocaust? They went through hell and they are ALL emotionally and psychologically broken. They had no idea how to bring up children. All of us suffered with these emotionally unstable parents.
Now as to the father who brought up his children and worked years to pay the children's tuition.and his children abandoned him. Nebach (poor soul) Pray. Pray and cry to g-d. He will listen.
To everyone else; THROW OUT YOUR TELEVISIONS. don't bring garbage magazinesand newspapers into the house.Stop criticizing people who are different then you. Living in America with such a powerful influence from the goyim makes people skew up their priorities. Don't give your kids everything they want (including nosh) and expect them to give you proper respect. Stay away from abusive parents RUN. A PARENT HAS NO RIGHT TO DESTROY A CHILD'S MARRIAGE.

(15)
Anonymous,
March 8, 2011 2:52 PM

Narcissism

I am no expert, but this father sounds like he might have a personality disorder called Narcissism. My step-son has this disorder and when I first began reading the article I thought it was written by his daughter. It is a terrible thing, and is incurable, from what I read. The only way to help yourself is to distance yourself from these people. They suck the life right out of you.

Anonymous,
June 28, 2011 4:24 PM

I agree with you. My father is exactly like this, and I have deduced that he has narcissism. No matter what my family and I do, his way is the right way, and I am definitely ready to detach myself from this type of person.

(14)
Jennifer,
March 8, 2011 2:51 PM

Abuse is never acceptable

As a mother of 3 beautiful children, I feel it is crucial to embrace every moment & opportunity with my children. It is my motherly responsibility, along with my husband to ensure they live a life full of their own passions with great parental security. We can not 'control' what the outcome will be, but we can infuse their lives with many gifts of love, acceptance and simple acceptance. We teach them that 'abuse' is one of the components in life they can never accept, nor perpetrate. It is not up to the 'abused' to fix the 'abuser' but to focus on making oneself healthy. It is crucial to move through 'victim' to become 'victor.' I teach our children that it is important to 'be healthy alone, rather than sick with someone.' Love is a verb... we must show our children & parents through actions what they mean to us. Sometimes love means distance.

(13)
Anonymous,
March 7, 2011 7:09 PM

I UNDERSTAND

I understand these comments - however, im tired of everyone blaming their parents fully and always looking at them as the devil. like its all there fault. sometimes many factors play into it. my father, who is my hero grew up dirt poor under the communists and suffered emotional abuse, physical abuse, neglect, and went days without an actual SIMPLE meal. true, he took out his anger with alcohol but do i love him. more than the world itself. what im trying to say to you all is - give your parents some understanding and dont just ignore them because if you do - you are as bad as they are.

(12)
Warren,
March 7, 2011 2:32 PM

Children also are emotionally absent

Rabbanit:
After raising 4 children, sending them to yeshiva (one son is a rav!!!) & after a 30 year loveless marriage, divorcing their Mom, I find that I cannot get a call or email from any of them. Yes, I have tried many times to contact them, but to no avail. To what end was my 3 decade struggle to raise yeshiva tuition, if this is the result?

(11)
Pesach,
March 7, 2011 2:39 AM

It's not so easy as it seems to be

The reader does not appear to be emotionally stable from her message. I would not give such advices without seeing both sides, even if I was a professional psychologist. Is it really about parent's cruelty and abuse? Or may be an expert rabbi should be asked? May be this is about our obligations before our parents?

(10)
Anonymous,
March 7, 2011 2:22 AM

similar situation

My situation is very similar to this one, unfortunately.
I am very thankful to Aish.com because a couple years ago, in an article by Rabbi Solomon about BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER, I finally figured out what was wrong with my father. For some reason that article called my attention and B"H was like it was talking to me- about my father! word after word...
Therefore I decided to post this comment hoping it might help others seeking an answer of "what's wrong". (Thank you Rabbi Solomon, who without knowing, helped me understand what has been going on for so long with my father and "lit the light" for me).
Even after finding what the problem was and researching about it, I unfortunately am not in contact with my father now for a few years. Can't figure out a better "way out"...

(9)
Jane,
March 7, 2011 12:47 AM

Roles are reversed and just as painful.

Though it is my daughter who has been abusive to me and who then rejected me 9 years ago. The pain is always there, despite all of the work I do to cope. And, I cry because I wonder what could I have done ditterently to avoid this situation. I tolerated a lot of abuse for fear of losing her, and I lost her. Your article helps me a little to see that though I was her parent, I could not control her toughts or actions. I followed the advice of my Rabbi and Counselor, but still she cut off all cummunications 9 years ago. I pray for her well being and happiness. I pray that I can cope better each day. I know I have done the best I can. I always thought she was smart, funny and beautiful, and I loved her with all of my heart, but all of that annoyed her.

(8)
Anonymous,
March 6, 2011 10:17 PM

read the book "Summer of My German Soldier

In the book, the father was emotionally cruel to one of his daughters because she looked like his mother who was abusive to him as a child. At the end, the daughter had to accept that her father was "irregular" and she couldn't spend "top dollar" emotionally trying to seek his love.

(7)
emily,
March 6, 2011 8:32 PM

accept or deny abuse

In any situation, do not accept abuse. Quietly hold yourself above it. Love the abuser. Try for a period of time to make it work, but if it can't, continue to love, but don't permit it and never never feel guilty about it no matter who is the abuser. It takes a long time to learn, but it can be done.

Anonymous,
March 25, 2012 6:01 PM

Please do not love the abuser. Protect yourself. You have not Torah obligation to love your parents, only to honor them, and sometimes honoring them, is from afar. Love yourself and protect yourself.

(6)
Anonymous,
March 6, 2011 8:03 PM

abusive/toxic parent

although I am in my late 60's and have had years of therapy, the scars from an emotionally absent father and a verbally and physically abusive mother have made it difficult for me to trust and love.
moving several states away with my husband and limiting contact with my parents was a good decision. but in raising my children, my overwhelming concern was that I not replicate their patterns and protect my children from harm.
I still have emotional flashbacks when I hear certain comments (even not directed at me) or see certain behaviors. I am still working to break the conditioning that they (the parents) gave me.

(5)
Anonymous,
March 6, 2011 7:40 PM

Think of your future as well

I, too, had an abusive father. It would be too painful to detail the situation here, but suffice it to say that I didn't speak to him for years. However, when I reached my 40's I was able to maintain a controllable relationship with him. Then, when he became sick and died, and I did everything a daughter should do, I was able to be at peace because, no matter what he had done as a father, I had done the right thing as a daughter.

(4)
Amma,
March 6, 2011 7:28 PM

HELPING CHILDREN OVERCOME EMOTIONAL ABUSE

I'm a writer of children's stories. A year ago I became aquainted with a yong woman who'd suffered with an emotionaly abusive mother. Her experience reminded me of my own childhood suffering. I wrote: DON'T APPOLOGIZE JANE to addresses the issue of emotional abuse in a real and yet imaginatively entertaining way. Jane’s story speaks even to children who’ve no experience of abuse since most have, at one time or another, felt a lack of self-esteem.
BecauseJane's empowering journey invites discussion and sharing around a difficult topic, it can help identify children in need. DON'T APPOLOGIZE JANE, can also provide an
effective tool in a therapeutic setting. As a footnote: The story even was healing for the young woman. This story and many other original stories, can be accessed on my web site: Grandma Tell Me A Story. www.grandmatellmeastory.com

(3)
Anonymous,
March 6, 2011 6:00 PM

I have a father who was also like the one in this article. It has been over 10 years since I have spoken to him. I finally realized that as much as you desire and hope for a positive change you cannot control other people's behavior. This is no different than an alcoholic, drug addict, hoarder and others who cannot change unless they see the problem and acceppt it. Even though I do not speak to my father I still do my best to be respectful. When people in the community would ask me what happened I would tell them that it is between him and I.

(2)
ruth housman,
March 6, 2011 5:32 PM

to change the script

I think, teaching is a way to try to change the script when people are stuck and that's why we have therapy and advice. So I don't feel as it is written, the script is immutable, but yes, we do not always succeed in trying to change others, particularly in bringing those who are abusive into an enlightened understanding of how they are harming others, not to mention how soul destroying these acts are for them, personally.
At the same time, we have to realize we are all the products of these stories, and though they cannot be condoned, if the result is an enhancement or bringing forth of sensitivity within the sufferer, that then translates towards the care of others, this is surely a formative story, as being brought through that fire creates the "vessel". (The biggest metaphor for this is ceramics, the production of pots and pottery. It is the fire that shapes the pot, with our hands, and our hearts.)
re what is shaped by life's sorrows and cruelties: It doesn't always work this way. People who are hurt by life often harden and hurt others, consciously or unconsciously, in repeating the past and sadly what is known is sometimes comfortable despite that very pain.
We can try to change others, but yes, there comes a time when we must back away, realizing we didn't fail in trying but that it's not up to us any longer to make that difference.
It's a hard lesson, to back away, especially from those who were our first gods, namely our parents.
A deep and ongoing topic.

(1)
.Dov,
March 6, 2011 5:31 PM

That unfortunatel is familiar

I was raised by an very abusive mother and stepfather.
I am a chlld shoah survivor as well.
When I was 17.5 years my mother decided to drop me of in Israel.As horable this may sound in retrospect it was the best thing that happened for me.
I am from Holland.Later in life as a married man with 2 kids I landed in Los angeles.to start a new life so to say.
However the past abusive treatment was never far away from my mind and followed me in my day to day work.
the story goes on.I obviously hed to sever any contact with them in addition as this was not enough I had many years of counseling.
Am at peace sometimes ,yet the hunger to be loved never did go away
I learned to live with it Hope ,imagination and being very bright are what Hashem had in store for me or so it seems
I believe the advice in this column is on target
thanks

My nephew is having his bar mitzvah and I am thinking of a gift. In the old days, the gift of choice was a fountain pen, then a Walkman, and today an iPod. But I want to get him something special. What do you suggest?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Since this event celebrates the young person becoming obligated in the commandments, the most appropriate gift is, naturally, one that gives a deeper understanding of the Jewish heritage and enables one to better perform the mitzvot! (An iPod, s/he can get anytime.)

With that in mind, my favorite gift idea is a tzedakah (charity) box. Every Jew should have a tzedakah box in his home, so he can drop in change on a regular basis. The money can then be given to support a Jewish school or institution -- in your home town or in Israel (every Jews’ “home town”). There are beautiful tzedakah boxes made of wood and silver, and you can see a selection here.

For boys, a really beautiful gift is a pair of tefillin, the black leather boxes which contain parchments of Torah verses, worn on the bicep and the head. Owning a pair of Tefillin (and wearing them!) is an important part of Jewish identity. But since they are expensive (about $400), not every Bar Mitzvah boy has a pair. To make sure you get kosher Tefillin, see here.

In 1944, the Nazis perpetrated the Children's Action in the Kovno Ghetto. That day and the next, German soldiers conducted house-to-house searches to round up all children under age 12 (and adults over 55) -- and sent them to their deaths at Fort IX. Eventually, the Germans blew up every house with grenades and dynamite, on suspicion that Jews might be in hiding in underground bunkers. They then poured gasoline over much of the former ghetto and incinerated it. Of the 37,000 Jews in Kovno before the Holocaust, less than 10 percent survived. One of the survivors was Rabbi Ephraim Oshri, who later published a stirring collection of rabbinical responsa, detailing his life-and-death decisions during the Holocaust. Also on this date, in 1937, American Jews held a massive anti-Nazi rally in New York City's Madison Square Garden.

In a letter to someone who found it difficult to study Torah, the 20th century sage the Chazon Ish wrote:

"Some people find it hard to be diligent in their Torah studies. But the difficulty persists only for a short while - if the person sincerely resolves to submerge himself in his studies. Very quickly the feelings of difficulty will go away and he will find that there is no worldly pleasure that can compare with the pleasure of studying Torah diligently."

Although actions generally have much greater impact than thoughts, thoughts may have a more serious effect in several areas.

The distance that our hands can reach is quite limited. The ears can hear from a much greater distance, and the reach of the eye is much farther yet. Thought, however, is virtually limitless in its reach. We can think of objects millions of light years away, and so we have a much greater selection of improper thoughts than of improper actions.

Thought also lacks the restraints that can deter actions. One may refrain from an improper act for fear of punishment or because of social disapproval, but the privacy of thought places it beyond these restraints.

Furthermore, thoughts create attitudes and mindsets. An improper action creates a certain amount of damage, but an improper mindset can create a multitude of improper actions. Finally, an improper mindset can numb our conscience and render us less sensitive to the effects of our actions. We therefore do not feel the guilt that would otherwise come from doing an improper act.

We may not be able to avoid the occurrence of improper impulses, but we should promptly reject them and not permit them to dwell in our mind.

Today I shall...

make special effort to avoid harboring improper thoughts.

With stories and insights,
Rabbi Twerski's new book Twerski on Machzor makes Rosh Hashanah prayers more meaningful. Click here to order...