This undiluted nonsense is best suited to DVD-rental desperation. Still, aficionados of cheap cinematic thrills involving beautiful and stupid young people will be happy to learn that while the film fizzles far more than it sizzles, its director, John Stockwell, is a connoisseur of the female backside, which he displays to great and frequent advantage. Jessica Alba elicits most of Mr. Stockwell's attention: he films her posterior as worshipfully as George Cukor filmed Garbo's face. But it is Ashley Scott, as the resident bad girl, who is the focus of one of the most startling images in recent memory: a shot of her from the P.O.V. of someone about to engage in an act that, until a 2003 Supreme Court decision, was banned in half the states in the country.

Kermit the Frog was my inspiration for a career in journalism, and now he and his fellow Muppets are being honored with their own U.S. postage stamps. It's not easy being green, but having your image on a stamp probably helps a little.

I felt like I was watching one of those "Maury" episodes where you have to choose whether the guest is a man or a woman. and I'm not even talking about "femme boy" lesbian Kim. Diane, Ebony, and Jayla are all looking a little pronounced in the jawline.

Personally, I'm leaning toward "not a man" for the beleaguered Coryn. That being said, I could easily see the person in this photo performing at Barracuda one of these nights under the stage name Shasta Cola ...

When the Provincetown Theater Company and the Provincetown Repertory Theater decided to merge this summer, they thought it would be fitting to rename themselves after another company founded in the Cape Cod resort nearly a century ago called the Provincetown Players. That group was founded in 1916 by SusanGlaspell and played a seminal role in noncommercial theater and produced Eugene O’Neill’s first works.

But then the fun started. A stodgy group of of historians and artists started voicing their outrage in newspapers and on the Eugene O’Neill Society Web site over what they viewed as the usurpation of a name distinctive in American theater.

The newly merged company caved in and voted to amend their plan. Next year they will begin producing plays as the New Provincetown Players.

“We then also passed a second motion that the word ‘new’ is integral to our name,” said Howard Burchman, president of the Provincetown Theater Company. “So in case those people are confused and think we’reEugeneO’Neill and SusanGlaspell, we’ve let them know that we are not.”

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

I've heard Donald Trump say that he makes a point of having very little to do with the upbringing of his children, but surely he's seen how hideous they can be. And let's be honest: If you can figure out a way to have ugly kids with babes like Ivana Zelnickova and MarlaMaples, then it's pretty clear where the faulty genes are coming from. Now that Donald has become more famous than rich, he has managed to find a new "wife" who is arguably his hottest one yet (everyone knows starfuckers are way hotter than gold diggers — and, damn, if this one isn't both!). But, sadly, this unfortunate photo essay above begs just one question: Is procreating again — even with a really hot chick — really worth the gamble? And, Tiffany, sweetie: give Joely Fisher a call in a few years. You two have a lot to talk about.

(Pictured: Donald with his latest big-ticket purchase, aka Melania; Butterball Trump Jr.,doing his best Chastity Bono; and Tiffany"sorry about the face"Trump).

Apparently it wasn't that impromptu book club meeting about Rick Warren's"Purpose-Driven Life" that saved the day for hostage turned heaven-sent hero Ashley Smith after all.

In her new book, "Unlikely Angel," the woman who said she persuaded Atlanta courthouse gunman Brian Nichols to turn himself in by talking about her faith in God and citing the chapter "Using What God Gave Me" from Warren's best-selling book now admits that she actually won him over by giving him some of her methamphetamine during the hostage ordeal. (Apparently the tempermental spree killer had wanted some marijuana but all she had on hand was crystal meth and, heck, she was just "using what God gave" her.)

"It's hard for people to understand the miracle of the story," she says. "This was totally a God thing, to me in my life."

It sounds like the only miracle was that she hadn't snorted all the "ice" before Bri showed up. I wonder if this is what the Rev. Rick Warren and the gang meant by her having "personal issues" (that have cost her custody of her 5-year-old daughter) as they were parading their "angel" around the talk shows to hawk more copies of his book.

Let's just hope she was able to use her $70,000 reward money and her book advance to buy some more crystal meth (you know these folks can never get enough). I'm sure today she's winning over all of her right-wingnut pals talking about the Good Lord nonstop for days on end ...

Oddly, the press release for her "tell all" book neglected to say how many times she gave Nichols oral.

Remember that disgusting chick who posed in all of those notorious Abu Ghraib photos, Lynndie England? I don't really have that big a problem with her abusing and humiliating Iraqi prisoners. But I'll tell you what I do have a problem with.

Take a look at her coming out of her court-martial in Texas this week. How can someone who is 22 look this old and haggard? She could easily pass for 58. It's absolutely mind-boggling. I'm sure three years in prison will help.

Apparently flight attendants don't mind having their $21,500 annual salary cut by 15 percent every other week in "wage concessions" to keep their pilots living high on the hog, but don't you dare say they're rude:

Unions that represent flight attendants are upset with the portrayal their members receive in the movie “Flightplan,” starring Jodie Foster, and are calling for a boycott of the film.

On Tuesday, the Association of Flight Attendants denounced the film’s depiction of airplane crew members as “rude, unhelpful and uncaring,” according to a statement issued by the union, which represents 80,000 flight attendants at a number of airlines. “We will tell Hollywood that this disrespect to our profession is not going to fly,” said PatriciaFriend, international president of the Association of Flight Attendants.

They're calling for a boycott of the film, but I would have thought the fact that Foster made the exact same film in 2002 ("Panic Room") would have been enough to stop people from going. I love the fact that Jodie Foster isn't even trying to pretend not to be a butch anymore: Her character's name in this Mile High Misadventure? Kyle.

Probably the only thing less interesting to me than if Demi Moore and the overexposed publicity whore Ashton Kutcher got married or not this weekend is the notion that the whole thing was Punk-licity stunt. Ashton: go work on "Guess Who 2: Electric Boogaloo" and give it a rest, would ya?

I've always felt a special connection to this celebrity couple ever since I hooked up on AOL with one of Matt's groomsmen, Chelcjock, the day after he got back from the wedding in '01. He told me all about how Kathy walked down the aisle to the Night Ranger classic "Sister Christian" and what a beautiful ceremony it was. Even though Chelcjock used a fake picture to reel me in (or was his screen name Hndsmnycguy?), he was still pretty hot in person — and he lived in London Terrace Gardens(althought he only rented). I wonder if Kathy and Matt even thought for a minute about how this would make us feel. How we will never get to IM about their golden wedding anniversary now. Isn't it always those left in the wreckage who get hurt the most in these situations?

I wasn't very impressed with the return of "Curb Your Enthusiasm." It's starting to seem kind of forced and I was anticipating the kooky coincidences way before they happened. Which season did Larry David leave "Seinfeld"? It kind of seems like he knew when to quit then, but maybe not this time.

"Extras" sounded like a brilliant idea and I did enjoy it. It may be a bit too British for my taste (I could barely understand half of what was said, either), but I'm all about the embarrassment humor, so I'll be back next Sunday.

"Open Bar" saw hunky Tyler Robuck (pictured) finally get his new bar, iCandy, opened for business (disaster). What the hell was that geisha girl getup on Yawar? He's a messy one.

On "Laguna Beach" we learned that Alex M. has a stinky beaver (well, that's what Casey heard, anyway) and that Kristin (pictured, looking way hot) has spread her wings and is now not only Cocktease of the Southland, but also of the San Francisco Bay Area.

"Martha: Behind Bars" may well be the next great cult classic. It was truly awful and I loved every second of it.

My first question is this: Why was a rather dainty female cast to play daughter Alexis, who is one k.d. lang concert away from being a full-on bulldyke? And when did Cybill Shepherd go from being a rather stunning woman, who is nearly a decade younger than the woman she was playing, to being far less attractive than Martha Stewart herself?

Best scene: After first refusing to lead her little prison group's team in a Christmas-decorating competition, she retreats to her cell where she overhears numerous bad ideas being bandied about and tries to drown out the horror of it all with her pillow. When a black woman suggests making a giant wreath that is shaped like a peace symbol with trees growing out of (gasp!), Martha can't take another second of it and springs out of bed to teach the group the Japanese art of folding paper: papier mâchè! Did I say classic?

Monday, September 26, 2005

They just don't make sexy rocker chicks like they used to. Thank god for Liz Phair. Even if you bought all that crap about her last album, it was still a hell of a lot better than anything else out there. And now that my faves DeborahHarry and ChrissieHynde are older than my mother, I'm hard-pressed for a gal I can really sink my teeth into. (Sorry, Kelly Clarkson and Hilary Duff just don't do it for me.)

In case you missed it, The Daily News had a terrific profile on Liz in Sunday's paper. Her new album, "Somebody's Miracle," is coming out on Oct. 8 and I can't wait. Her official Web site is put together nicely and allows you to hear a couple new songs (excellent) and see her new video, "Everything to Me." Plus the site has a bunch of old-school Liz on there too, including a (seemingly homemade) video of "Statford-On-Guy" that will really take you back.

I saw Liz in 2003 at Roseland Ballroom and it was my favorite show of the year. Nobody straddles a guitar like my Liz. I missed her summer acoustic gig, but look forward to seeing her in October.

"No Direction Home: Bob Dylan" makes its U.S. premiere tonight at 9 p.m. on PBS' award-winning "American Masters" series. The two-part film, directed by Martin Scorsese, focuses on Dylan's life and music from 1961-66 and includes never-seen footage and interviews with Allen Ginsberg, Pete Seeger, Joan Baez and other artists and musicians whose lives intertwined with Dylan’s during that time. Part 2 airs Tuesday at 9.

My friend Nicole London worked on the film and promises it's a winner (the reviews tend to agree).

Sunday, September 25, 2005

Saturday, September 24, 2005

The seemingly happy home of Silo and Roy, the two male chinstrap penguins who had remained faithful and raised a child together, has come undone.Although many in the community had their suspicions that Silo was one of those "fake gay penguins" — you know, just using Roy for the publicity of it all, but really straight — six years together and a Central Park Zoo co-op seemed to imply that the relationship was for keeps. Then Silo's eye began to wander, and last spring he forsook his longtime companion and took up (rather predictably) with a female, named Scrappy (or Home-wrecking Whore as I like to call her).No word if Silo assumed his alter-ego Celestia and embarked on an Ecstasy-induced frenzy in Fresno after the breakup, although word has it that Scrappy is from the Golden State.

Friday, September 23, 2005

Well, apparently he's already attempted and failed in a TV comeback that I didn't even know about:

The 2005-06 TV season, which is officially less than a week old, has claimed its first victim: FOX's legal drama "Head Cases."

FOX has pulled the show after just two airings, saying it has "had its last air date." The series, which starred Chris O'Donnell and Adam Goldberg as mismatched lawyers whose only common bond was time in a mental institution, got drilled in the ratings Wednesday (Sept. 21), primarily by ABC's "Lost" but also by "America's Next Top Model." (via Zap2It.com)I thought "Head Cases" was the new Don Johnson show. Oh, well. We've always got the "Circle of Friends" DVD.

It's no secret that the fatties love to eat. So it's only natural that they spend an inordinate about of time on the crapper. So why are toilet seats designed for the binge-and-purge crowd, you ask. Well, thanks to a new product on the market, you'll never have to ask, again:

"The Big John Toilet Seat brings 'stability and comfort' to our growing population. Standard seats are too small and too flimsy.

"The Big John Toilet Seat is not just for the Big and Tall/Plus Size consumer. It is great for people who are larger framed and bigger boned, but it's also great for senior citizens and the physically impaired, or even those with an average size who just want a more comfortable toilet seat.

"Let's face it why would anyone squeeze into coach when they could ease into first class."

This New York Timesarticle on the overall reaction to the Vatican's plans to try to keep homosexuals from becoming priests is disturbing on so many levels.

Several gay priests talk about how they already feel "less than" in the church and worry that a witch-hunt mentality could ensure (why are you serving a church that makes you feel this way?). People who support the idea routinely use the words "homosexual" and "pedophile" interchangeably. And even the people who support the right of gays to be priests end up perpetrating stereotypes and say things that can hardly be seen as good for the cause:

Max Gonzalez, 52, a retired phone company worker who arrived at the church just after Mass ended, said gay priests "don't bother me, as long as they're not bothering the kids."

Thursday, September 22, 2005

A longtime Top Model enthusiast/close friend tells me he's convinced there's going to be a major plot twist this season when it's revealed that contestant Coryn either "has a dick" or "used to have a dick" (not that there's anything wrong with that).

Apparently both my friend and Tyrawere taken aback by Coryn's "Graucho Marx eyebrows" and impossibly sharp jawline (my pal says this picture on the UPN site "doesn't do her mannishness justice").

I know my guy is a master at spotting any type of artificial turf on a head (male or female), but only time will tell if he's mastered this art, as well. It certainly wouldn't be the first time a reality show has tried to throw us a curve. Stay tuned.

The Paris-based media watchdog Reporters Without Borders has just released a new guide with tips for bloggers and dissidents to avoid Internet censors in countries from China to Iran:

"Handbook for Bloggers and Cyber-Dissidents" includes technical advice on how to remain anonymous online. "Bloggers are often the only real journalists in countries where the mainstream media is censored or under pressure," Julien Pain, head of the watchdog's Internet Freedom desk, writes in the introduction.

In a bid to inspire budding Web diarists around the world, the 87-page booklet gives advice on setting up and running blogs, and on using pseudonyms and anonymous proxies, which can be used to replace easily traceable home computer addresses.

"With a bit of common sense, perseverance and especially by picking the right tools, any blogger should be able to overcome censorship," Pain writes.

As if we needed this, further proof that Scott Peterson's galpal and Gloria Allred's main bitch, Amber Frey, is a pretty much the stupid whore we all thought she was:

The massage therapist former mistress of convicted murderer Scott Peterson is back in the spotlight after a DNA test showed that her first child was not fathered by the man who was paying child support.Anthony Flores, 29, has been paying Frey $175 a month for nearly four years, his attorney, Glenn Wilson, said Wednesday. The father of the 4-year-old girl is actually Christopher Funch, the owner of the Fresno restaurant/bar Porky's, Wilson said.

Honestly, though. How is she supposed to keep track of these kind of things? Somehow I'm certain that if Amber is involved, this whole thing will have a happy ending.

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Not to be outdone by the new sperm-donor reality show "I Want Your Child and Nothing Else" on the Dutch television network Talpa, its rival BNN plans to air a new talk show on which its host will take heroin, LSD, Ecstasy, cocaine and other illegal drugs on air in a program "intended to reach young audiences on topics that touch their lives," its producers said Wednesday.

Apparently BNN is no stranger to controversy: they've drawn viewer complaints for programs in the past, including the understated sex education program called "This Is How You Screw." One segment discussed how to have sex in a nightclub and featured life-size mannequins with sex organs.

Everyone's favorite liberal rag The New York Times sure digs the gay sex: first the in-depth profile on the, um, comings and goings of the West Side Club, and now a sweet profile on men who cruise for sex in suburban rest stops:

"I can't tell you how many guys I've had here who were wearing wedding bands, with baby seats in the car and all kinds of kids' toys on the floor. It's on their way home and they don't have to get involved in a relationship or any gay lifestyle or social circles. They don't even have to buy anyone a drink or be seen in a gay bar. They just tell the wife, 'Honey, I'll be home an hour late tonight.' "

I've always had a love-hate relationship with Oprah Winfrey. She can be really fun to watch and I respect how she has tried to use her fame and wealth for a lot of good causes. On the other hand, she is so famous and wealthy that it's clear to everyone (except her) that she is completely out of touch with the real world ("My friend Diane Sawyer"; "My friend Rob Lowe"; "My friend Tom Cruise" — it can be really nauseating), yet she tries to act like she's "one of us." And her "I invented philanthropy and literacy" attitude can be really annoying, as well.

That being said, this whole so-called Hermesincident in Paris, where she was "treated so rudely" and it "may or may not" have had to do with her being black, immediately made me skeptical. You're Oprah Winfrey. You're not really any color or any gender: You're a superstar. The whole world kisses your ass 24 hours a day. Everything is done your way, no questions asked. You're always right. You say jump and your entourage asks "how high?" You buy gifts for Tina Turner(!). You control everything and everything around you. So any notion that I'm going to feel sorry for you is, well, not only unwarranted, it's highly unlikely.

So when I read that she had the president of Hermes USA on her show's 20th season premiere to "set the record straight" about what happened in June, I was hoping she would explain what really happened — and I would come to see that she wasn't being a spoiled diva:

"Anybody who has been snubbed because you were not chic enough, or not thin enough, or not the right class, or the right color or whatever, I don't know what it was, you know that it is totally humiliating," said Oprah.
(OK. But still waiting to hear what reallyhappened ...)

The talk show host extraordinaire then ever so sweetly demanded a public apology from the Hermes USA president and CEO for the June incident in which an employee turned Oprah and her entourage away from the Paris boutique at closing time even though some shoppers were still inside.Are you f**king kidding me? Oprah: the exact same thing happened to me the other night at my corner Eckerd Pharmacy when I stopped by at 10:59 p.m. to buy a half-gallon of milk there. (Did I mention that I went there because milk is 50 cents cheaper than at my supermarket? Trying to save a few cents, Oprah, that's what real life is about.) Oh, and by the way, I'm a white man of an undetermined chicness and class.

So this is what someone who purports to want to change the world is now putting on her show, making some overpaid CEO kiss her ass on national TV over something that is both not a big deal and, in fact, is just a matter of following the rules? Stores have posted hours of operation: shop duringthem like the rest of us do.

You see, Oprah, where you're sitting, you don't see that there are rules that real people must follow every day. You've forgotten and that's why it makes it hard to like you sometimes.

I'm really confused by Alex M. She seems like she's about to start laughing every time she's on camera — even during emotional scenes like when she's angry or having boyfriend problems. Her friend Taylor actually confronted her about it when Alex was half-smiling as she talked about "how furious" she was at Jessica. ("Yeah, you seem real furious," Taylor mocked)

I can't decide if the show is completely scripted and she's just a bad actress, or if she's just a real kid who gets embarrassed going through things with a camera crew standing two feet away. Either way, it's kind of ruining the drama for me, hence why her "showdown" with Jessica didn't really have the pizzazz I was counting on.

Not to fret: Next week looks great as Kristin goes up to San Francisco to visit Stephen, only to break his heart once more.

The gang will also get to pick one "reality TV hunk" to be the seventh cast member, plus Florence Henderson will act as the house's first on-call therapist/adviser (one session with Peter Brady on his new show and apparently she's ready to cure all).

I thought I had read last year that the Arquette family gender bender was going to be filming a reality show that chronicled his going through sex-reassignment surgery. I'm wondering if that ever happened. Guess we'll find out soon.

Doctors are seeing a sharp increase in eating disorders among minority women, reports The New York Times, and I couldn't be any happier:

Dr. Gayle Brooks said experts traditionally had thought that "anorexia and bulimia didn't happen to black, Asian or Hispanic women, that they were somehow immune."

"Curvy African-American women were celebrated," Dr. Brooks said. "These girls didn't experience anxiety and shame about their bodies. Being curvy or large was a source of pride within the African-American community." (Anyone who's ever watched "The Jerry Springer Show" can certainly verify this is true.)

Of all Manhattan's fabled East Side dwellings of the super-rich, 740 Park Avenue has perhaps the best pedigree. Designed by Rosario Candela and developed by James T. Lee, Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis' maternal grandfather, as a cooperative haven for the elite, it had the misfortune to open just as the stock market crashed in 1930 and was forced to operate partly as a rental for some decades. The last sale was to Lee himself, for son-in-law "Black Jack" Bouvier, his wife, Janet, and daughters Jackie and Lee (Radziwill).

Among the secrets that author Michael Gross says he found behind the 740 walls:

Liquor mogul Edgar Bronfman Sr. moved out of his 740 Park apartment after his wife, Wall Street heiress Ann Loeb, allegedly left him for their baby sitter, a woman.

Friendly's Ice Cream heir Channing Blake moved his male lover, Everett Fahey, into 740 Park to live with his wife and his son. "I didn't feel at all odd there," says Fahey, a paintings curator at the Metropolitan Museum of Art.

Financier Saul Steinberg had his second wife, Italian beauty Laura Sconocchia, arrested and dragged out of their sprawling apartment, fearing she'd slash his paintings. Shortly before that uncoupling, Gross contends, Laura caught Saul with another woman at their weekend house. The girl jumped out a window and was later picked up by police, naked, running down Route 22 in Bedford.

Almost as interesting is the list of people rejected by the 740 Park Co-Op Board: Elizabeth Taylor, Joan Crawford, Barbra Streisand, Neil Sedaka, to name a few.

I may not be a licensed therapist, but it sure seems like our hunky hero is overcompensating for living in the closet for 34 years by going a bit far embracing his "lifestyle," his "people" and the "healing" effects of "coming home"(!) to West Hollywood (his words). (His volunteerism is rather sweet, though.)

And at the risk of sounding like Tyler Robuck's overprotective older brother (who happens to look considerably younger), I'd say that he sure could use a new set of playmates:

1. Benjamin(pictured in red-collar shirt) is billed as Tyler's "ex-boyfriend," although it's clear the so-called relationship lasted a matter of weeks, possibly days. His bio says he makes his living as a dancer and model, yet it doesn't say a thing about who put him up to wearing those makeshift clam diggers fashioned out of a pair of jeans he rolled up to go to the Boom Boom Room. Tyler says that the two of them are very close, yet Benjamin seems to roll his eyes at the notion that there was ever anything between them. Benjamin also said that he never loved Tyler, he just loved "the idea" of who Tyler was (huh?). He also dissed Tyler on a weekend getaway to Laguna Beach by cruising a bar's doorman and carrying on with a stripper. Bad news.

2. Yawar's(pictured with messy bangs in pink shirt) bio describes him as "the young, hip, club-goer type and Genereal (sic) Manager of iCandy." He, on the other hand, describes himself as "the pretty one." (Obviously the construction delays at the iCandy site have prevented any mirrors from being hung up yet.) Every time Yawar comes on the screen he whines and then he whines some more, and he doesn't ever seem to be doing any work. I don't see how Tyler can stand to be in the same room with this one.

3. Tyrone(pictured black guy) is billed as "a professional dancer and Tyler's new roommate in West Hollywood." He seems like a nice enough guy, but he doesn't really seem to have anything in common with Tyler. And surely Tyrone could find better use for his talents than teaching our hitherto butch Tyler how to "queen out" periodically. And Tyler: aren't you a little long in the tooth to have a roommate, anyway?

So speaking only as Tyler's concerned brother (who, um, just happens to want him), I just hope our Tyler has some cool friends who just aren't shown on the series.

One for the "what is wrong with people" files:A 30-year secretary who believed she was in a "fantasy relationship" with her daughter's 8-year-old playmate admitted having repeated sexual contact with the boy and accepted a plea deal Monday that likely will send her to prison for six years.Tammy Imre admitted in court that she had a lengthy sexual relationship with her young neighbor, whom police say she considered her boyfriend. Imre was arrested on sexual assault charges after the boy's mother found a letter that Imre wrote. In the letter, police said, Imre told the boy that she doesn't "want anyone but you. Now tomorrow it's supposed to rain, you can come over we can (you know what). Love ya! I want you!"

Remember when your friends' moms used to make you a peanut butter and jelly sandwich? Honest to god.

Monday, September 19, 2005

My best friend from my years in Arizona, Greg Jelinek, is now a clever and talented graphic designer living in Lincoln, Neb.

Greg was my collaborator on a series of rarities/b-sides CD collections available at BruisedFruitCDs.com (visit the site to see his incredible album artwork), showcasing mostly 1980s music that was never reissued on compact disc.

For the next few weeks, I'm going to be posting examples of his work for everyone's enjoyment. Nobody has an eye for beauty like Greg does ...

So when every (gay) guy I know started begging me to watch "Starship Troopers,"I felt like a stubborn little kid again, refusing to have anything to do with it. But after coming across these photos over the weekend, something tells me the sci-fi plot of the film had very little to do with their enthusiasm.

Now I'm worried that Han Solo might have been running around buck naked in the original "Star Wars" trilogy all of these years and I've been missing it. Damn my stubborn ways.