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10 Extremely biblical looking footballers

Jesus H Christ meets Prince Charles

Of course, most of the nation will spend the weekend embroiled in sprouts, drinking heavily, and most definitely not sitting down to rewatch Mel Gibson’s incredibally inaccurate, and rather over the top remake of The Life of Brian.

Some will even go to church to pay their respects to a young carpenter called Jesus (the adopted son of Joseph Christ), who was born in a barn, before embarking on a carpenter’s life of making lovely tables and hilarious hat stands, before discovering that he had magic in his hands.

Crazy times.

Anyway, to celebrate Christmas, The Spoiler thought it high time to list ten footballers who wouldn’t look out of place rocking up to a stable at 4am drunkenly prattling something about following a star. You can enjoy them after the jump…

Ricky Villa

Ricky Villa was PJ to Ossie Ardiles’ Duncan back in the late 1970s at Spurs. Whilst Ossie tightened terrace trousers with his sublime footballing skills, Ricky busily dazzled visiting preachers with his luxurious beard, which looked almost exactly like the ones sported by people in the bible.

Jonathan Greening

Now at Fulham, Jonathan Greening clearly doesn’t buy in to all those popular facial scrubs and styling oils that footballers seem to use these days. Instead he has taken it upon himself to look almost exactly like Jesus, to the point where were him and Jesus to come face to face, one of them would definitely make a joke about it being “a bit like looking in the mirror”.

George Berry

Whilst those around him modeled their haircuts on the new cropped fashion of the late-1970s and early-1980s, George Berry was rarely seen without a perfect Jesus Christ Superstar afro and beard combo. That made him one hell of a biblical presence at the back – mainly for Wolves and Stoke.

Alexi Lalas

Like the flashier apostles – namely Paul, John, and Gary - Alexi Lalas wasn’t up for a meat-and-potatoes beard, he wanted something to make him stand out from the crowd. Something he could bead or plat if he really wanted to. Hence, he grew a horse’s tail on his chin. Very biblical.

Paul Breitner

Had he not been the left back for Germany, Breitner could easily have snagged the role of Peter in Jesus of Nazareth. His facial embellishment reached extremely biblical – to the point of being Old Testament - proportions in the 1970s. He could even pass for Moses.

Sergio Batista

Rather fittingly, Sergio Batista played in the same World Cup winning side as football’s messiah, Diego Maradona. And yet, whilst Maradona made the planet gasp with his wonderful goals, Sergio Batista mainly made elderly nuns come over all woozy, because they thought they’d just seen Jesus.

Gennaro Gattuso

Gattuso was nothing before he grew a beard, just another football journeyman. Then he sprouted a face full of tiny black hairs, and all of a sudden he was viewed as some kind of sporting John the Baptist.

George Best

George Best probably wasn’t intentionally biblical looking, it just suited his lifestyle. With the sex, the unholy cans of lager, where was he going to find time to shave or cut his hair? Thankfully, no matter how Christ-like in looks he became, his God-given skills never suffered. Okay, that’s a lie, they did suffer. They suffered loads in fact.

Socrates

Probably the second or third most biblical looking footballer of them all, Socrates could play in the midfield, or up front, and was never seemingly held back or slowed down by his magnificent flowing face. And The Spoiler is delighted to report that he now looks identical to God.

Claudio Caniggia

The only footballer on the list without a beard, Claudio Caniggia, in disciple terms, would probably be one of the lesser know ones, like Simon the Zealot, or James son of Alphaeus. Had he grown a beard, he’d have an outside chance of being Simon (who is called Peter).

22 responses so far

You guys missed Josh Kennedy (Austalian striker playing somewhere in Japan now I think). Google him and see some of his pictures.

Jay// April 1, 2010 at 2:43 pm

Dmytro Chygrynskiy is pretty much Jesus’ 21st Century reincarnation.

Gg08// April 1, 2010 at 3:22 pm

Where is Dmytro Chygrynskiy???!!!! He is practically Jesus’s twin haha

Louie Louie Louie// April 1, 2010 at 4:23 pm

I believe you overlooked Abel Xavier, who could easily have been one of the guys in….erm….or that one from the tale of….uhmmm…okay I admit it! I know nothing about biblical times…

But that guy just doesn’t belong here…

guatty// April 2, 2010 at 7:12 pm

ya ya ya nother great top ten… do it again and again and again!!!

Dave// April 2, 2010 at 9:19 pm

What if God is black? Then you have to do another whole post. Kolo Toure, Yakubu, maybe Baron Davis (what?). Definitely not Lescott. One would think the holiest of men would not have a funky ass hairline like that.

SB// April 2, 2010 at 11:16 pm

The reason for Lescott’s “funky ass hairline” is because at the age of 5, he was hit by a car and dragged down the street.. Those scars and hairline are the result of major head injuries…

Excuse me bro, why is the one, Sotirios Kyrgiakos does not only bear a striking resemblance of Jesus, he also has the skills to match. Now could the retard who posted this please hang up the boots and turn to prostitution, as reporting clearly isnt there strength. Farewell chump.

RonanM// April 4, 2010 at 7:14 pm

Torres should be there too….he has that angelic look about him.

mike who// April 5, 2010 at 4:16 pm

Why is Xabi Alonso should be number 11

Ivich// April 5, 2010 at 7:31 pm

The exclusion of Dima aka Chygrynskiy from this list s blasphemy.

harangutan// April 6, 2010 at 1:30 am

Abel Xavier, though arguably he looks more like someone from ancient Greek rather than OT mythology.

Beards and long hair are so out. If Jesus came back surely he would look more like me?

Arcade Zen// December 22, 2010 at 2:58 pm

I’m sorry to say this people but the REAL football which we all love no longer exist. Everything wsa planned out months before the World Cup was even started. Spain was expected to win the World Cup and in return the World Cup for 2018 will be hosted by Russia. If you don’t be believe me, then please read the following article carefully….