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seminar notes

Why don’t I want to know or feel my addictions?
– Makes me feel there is something wrong with me
– Angry about being told
– Avoiding gives me a feeling of control
– Desire to remain a victim
– I am right, God is wrong– Feeling emotions is pointless

Our parents are constantly projecting fear and anger at us (as children), and we feel there is no end to it. So we felt, I need my addictions, to cope. Also in childhood, we can’t leave or avoid it, and when we try anger as a coping mechanism, we get abused. Any expression of protest causes rejection or violence. We learn that any expression of our emotions needs to be squashed.

We learn addictions as ways to reduce some of these feelings. These addictions are often in place by age 3. The only form of protest available is to feel the addictions of the parent and to feed these addictions.

We learned them before we were able to think. This is why our addictions feel so confusing to us. We weren’t learning to intellectualize, we were learning these addictive behaviors almost automatically.

Then in preschool we got additional controls that compounded the problem.

For the child, it WAS a matter of survival.

We continue to believe we’re a victim. As a child, we WERE.

We don’t want to be told to connect to our emotions because as a child every time we did that, we were crushed or abused.

The feelings that we had as a child are now held as BELIEFS. (such as, that feeling emotions will bring on attack, that they are endless, that we have no other way to cope than addictions, etc.)
We feel that everything AJ is saying to us about feelings is wrong!

We might feel the Divine Truth is great, we have a soul-based attraction, but we also feel hopeless. It would be good to FEEL this feeling of hopelessness.

Practically everyone has these basic feelings about emotions ingrained in them. That’s why seminars that tell us how to get our addictions met have audiences of thousands! The average person who does feel their feelings is put on medications, and wants to be!

We need to deconstruct these beliefs. This has to happen before we will be able to move our addictions.

We go into neediness wanting to have the work done for us.

We feel that our addictions are the only way we will have any good in our life. It’s not uncommon for people who work on their addictions to become suicidal, because they really feel there will no longer be any good in their life.

There was a comment about living from sleep state to sleep state, because we get our addictions met there, because there is nothing nice left in the awake state.

Suicide is an angry response to feeling hopeless. In fact it will make things worse. So when we know this, we feel trapped. Trapped between the Truth and these childhood beliefs, with no way out.

Addiction was the only thing that worked, to get some semblance of peace. Now AJ is taking that away.

God’s Way is the exact way we DON’T believe in! When we hear about it, there are two possible responses:
1. No, it’s not God’s Way, it’s AJ’s way – anger at AJ
2. Anger with God for creating this Way!

This is why we have so much anger with God and toward religion. People in religions want the work to be done magically – Jesus’s blood just takes it away, we don’t have to do the work. That’s the source of the belief in Jesus taking away our sins.

WE ALL HAVE THIS FEELING AND NEED TO FEEL IT THROUGH AND THEN WILL TRACE IT TO CHILDHOOD EVENTS. THIS IS WHERE EMOTIONAL PROCESSING BEGINS.

I DON’T WANT TO FEEL MY ADDICTIONS! AND WHY!

We don’t want to feel them because we feel that without them, we will have no way to have a happy life.

The belief that feeling emotions is dangerous clearly comes from our childhood – we received abusive violent punishment when we did.

We’ve also been taught we can’t cope with the emotions. So we try to get away from them, and this resistance lets in spirit influence which could then start to look psychotic, and reinforces the belief we can’t cope.

Also, some children were taken out of body during abuse, so they come to feel this is a way of coping. They invite more spirits in.

A fear of being alone when I feel, and a feeling of wanting to share my emotions, both invite others into your emotional experience and can lead to being institutionalized.

Now, what do we do to address this?

FAITH.

Currently:
We have faith in our addictions.
We have faith in the beliefs from our childhood, that we currently have: about emotions, about fear, about God.We have faith in self-reliance.
We have faith in society’s definitions.
We have faith in our personal experience: I will get abused more if I feel, that being emotional is weak, etc.
We have faith in our mind, the power of the mind.

With faith in all that, our will will be exercised to support these. Humility will also be used toward absorbing more of these emotions (we are humble to the error rather than the truth). Wherever our faith is, it directs our will and our humility.

Where our faith is, is where we’re going to use our will and where we’re going to exercise our humility.

So, even if Divine Truth sounds good to us, our faith is telling us the opposite things. Someone who says the truth is different (to where our faith is) will seem to be an idiot.

We believe in THIS world (of error), and we feel disconnected from God because we feel he must have created it.

To change, we have to start deconstructing where we’re placing our faith. This is our primary problem.

We feel this effort is pointless and going to take forever and put us in conflict with the world – so we have very little motivation.

Then how do we do it?

We have these emotions about feeling our feelings:

That it’s hopeless/futile

That it’s dangerous

That it’s impossible

That it’s not necessary

That it’s cruel and wrong

We need to feel these feelings right to the end! Then we will not feel them any longer.

We get rid of our false beliefs by FEELING them. This is the opposite to what we want to do!

We feel our options are:

1. Feel pain
2. Feel “good”
3. Be numb

Our priorities usually are:

Feel pain: 0 … Feel “good”: 50% … Be numb: 50%

After we learn some Divine Truth, we tend to go:

Feel pain: 0 … Feel “good”: 0 … Be numb: 100%

We are going to have to feel uncomfortable and feel pain to confront addictions!

When we want to feel good, we attract spirits and people to help us do that.

When we allow ourselves to be numb, we attract spirits and people who take over our life.

We believe pain is the most dangerous option, but is is really the least dangerous.

We continue to think and feel as children, because we haven’t released our beliefs from childhood. We’re children in adult bodies. [I still believe I have no self-determination, maybe because I numbed out and gave up self-determination and let others control my life ever since then.]

It’s hard to get a start on the Way to God because our most painful emotional experiences are going to be the first ones we feel.

The reasons I want addictions are related to our childhood beliefs. We feel these are the most painful sets of beliefs, and they often are. They are quite emotional because they were formed pre-intellectually.

There is a lot of general rage about the deconstruction of a myth.

The only way a childhood belief is released is by feeling it. But we totally believe they are true, so why would we feel them?

We have to feel our actual childhood beliefs, not what we want our beliefs to be.

The only way to progress forward now is to feel these childhood beliefs – not to hear more Divine Truth. These feelings are trapped emotions in our soul, and they determine our belief systems.

The mind is only capable of changing when there is no emotional impediment to the change.

The majority of people who hear the Divine Truth are not releasing their false beliefs. We have to FEEL the painful feelings.

No change can happen from listening to Divine Truth if we don’t feel and release the false beliefs. We can’t avoid feeling the most painful feelings, if we want to progress. We can’t choose to just feel the easier ones.

Watch the video How the Human Soul Functions over and over and over.

You need to feel the truth of your experience in this life if you are ever going to progress.

WHAT DO I ACTUALLY FEEL FROM MY CHILDHOOD?

These are the feelings that are opposing the truth entering your soul.

As you feel these feelings you will begin to see the connections to your addictions.

1) What do I believe from my childhood?
2) What do I do to avoid feeling these childhood beliefs? (my addictions)

It is important to ask both questions. There will be a thousand childhood beliefs and often many addictions covering each belief. The beliefs we are able to state and name without crying are the ones we have the most addictions covering.

The goal is to discover what is covering our childhood beliefs and start FEELING the childhood beliefs.

While you’re living in addictions, no feelings will come out. When you deconstruct the addictions enough, the feelings will pop out.

Why? Because your addictions are the exercise of your will to deny your childhood emotional experiences. If you’re exercising your will to deny, you’re exercising your will in direct opposition to what God’s Love would do. When you’re in addiction, your prayer is: No, I don’t want to confront my childhood emotional experiences.

AJ will be holding seminars every other day at the Texas retreat. Following are my notes from the first part of Saturday’s session, which was about two hours long. After the break, AJ spoke for another hour and a half on addictions. I’ll post notes from that session sometime soon.

I found this to be a very powerful and triggering session. Some of the most triggering material for me was about the sleep state – not new material, but presented in a way that caused me to drop my denial about certain things that have been happening in my sleep state. So my notes on this section are very skimpy because I was not focused on taking notes.

I suggest that if you find these notes interesting and helpful at all, that you watch or listen to the sessions when they are available. Obviously my interests and injuries will have affected to some degree the accuracy of my notes, and it would be much better for you to hear Jesus’s actual words.

NOTES FROM SATURDAY’S SESSION

First, AJ read a quote from The Life Elysian (second paragraph of Chapter 3). It begins, “The surgeon who drives his scalpel deep.” AJ’s point was that he is going to be quite candid and truthful with us during this retreat, and we may perceive his truths to be painful. He said he isn’t trying to make our lives difficult, but to help us grow toward God.

He then asked us why we are here. Several people answered, and a lot of the responses were about a longing for truth. AJ said his and Mary’s spirit friends said that these are our actual reasons for being here:

1. Some are basically needy and need to have reassurance.
2. Some want someone to do all the work for them, they want hand-holding through decisions and feelings, and still have many New Age practices.
3. Some want personal time with Jesus and Mary. They feel their situations are special and that previously given general information doesn’t apply to them.
4. Some are people who desire others and themselves to shut down emotionally.
5. Some want to be told they are doing well, or they believe they are doing well and want positive feedback.
6. Some are under heavy spirit influence and have come to undermine the proceedings.
7. Some have come so they’ll be able to say “I was there when…” and brag or feel superior to others who weren’t here.
8. Some have a sincere desire to grow and want to use their time well.

AJ suggests that we work on deconstructing a lot of our stuff.

These are the same emotions that groups who come to seminars all over the world have.

AJ suggested we feel about our choices while we’re here, to value the opportunity here. He expressed thanks to Robin, Caroline, and Michael for their work in making this event happen.

QUESTION ABOUT SHAME

AJ said, this question is specifically about sexual shame in childhood, but shame comes from all sorts of sources in childhood.

In a situation of abuse, the adult tells itself it has nothing to be ashamed of. It blames the child for the shame. “You made me do this.” This creates openings in the child, so the child believes it has something to be ashamed of.

The shame is really the adult’s, although the child feels it. The adult refuses to own it and projects the shame onto the child. Although it is not our own shame, we still need to feel it. (We also need to feel the shame of anything we’ve done out of harmony with love. There is a Law of Compensation emotion.)

The refusal of the adult to acknowledge that it is doing a shameful thing is what causes the child to feel shame.

The feeling “I’m not lovable” is the measure of the adults’ poor treatment of you. This emotion is not true, and it is not even your own emotion. But you still need to feel it in order to release it.

When we tell ourselves the same thing (“I am not lovable”) – which is a lie – we prevent ourselves from feeling the real feeling (“I was told I am not lovable”). When we tell ourselves the lie, we just reinforce the belief. We do need to feel the feeling “I am not lovable” in order to release it. But do not reinforce it!

Shame is the feeling where you feel so bad about yourself that you believe everything that was done to you was your fault in some way. If you believe that, it is highly unlikely that you will feel it, because there would be no point – you believe it’s true.

QUESTION ABOUT SEXUAL PREDATORS

They are very sensitive to children’s emotions. The child would already have a feeling that anything that happens to it is their fault. This feeling is an attraction for the predator. The spirits with the predator tell him who is open. The predator knows the child won’t tell because the child will feel the event was its own fault.

BACK TO SHAME

For an adult, there are two causes of shame:

1. Someone else perpetrated shame on you as a child, and it’s still in you
2. Things you have done that you have shame about

We are temped to run away from our self-inflected shame once we hear what he just said!

The projection of blame in childhood can lead to terror.

QUESTION ABOUT SLEEP STATE

It’s rare for a person to be in a better condition in their sleep state than in their awake state.

(There was much more material about the sleep state than I wrote down – I believe much of the same information is covered in the Sleep State seminar.)

HOW OUR CONDITION DEGRADES

It starts with the parents’ collective condition, including their morality, ethics, sexuality, religious and political beliefs – all these affect their feelings and beliefs about sexuality.

Because of this kind of pre-conditioning, the average female believes the receipt of sexual projections is a measure of her femininity. If the projections include approval, she is open to them.

Women are expected to take responsibility for males’ sexual behavior, as in many religious belief systems.

The parents’ emotions enter the child in utero, and then the parents’ feelings and beliefs are enacted with the child after it is born. The parents treat the child according to their feelings and beliefs.

Some of these beliefs are seemingly positive but actually are negative. For instance, “I shouldn’t say something that makes another person angry, even if it’s true.”

So how do we address this situation, with regard to the degradation of our soul in childhood?

1) Know the truth. Build a desire to know the truth.
2) Face the truth.
3) Feel the truth.

Abuse victims often cut themselves off from their family, change their name, get depressed, don’t have children (or get post-natal depression if they do have children), become hypervigilant, and become manically busy – but they don’t ever deal with the feelings from childhood – shame, terror, fear, anger.

So those emotions are still in their soul, and they attract spirits who are like their parents. In the awake state we can keep people at bay and deny the presence of spirits, but in the sleep state there is no barrier to them.

Feeling that I am to blame shuts down my grief.

QUESTION ABOUT A PHYSICAL PROBLEM

(A woman’s whole left side is affected.)

A lot of our physical injuries arise from expectations and demands.

If you’re numb, you don’t want to feel.
There will be anger over having to feel what you don’t want to feel.

We often feel the ERROR (eg I’m not worthy). We need to RELEASE the error and FEEL the TRUTH.

Our parents taught us to do all these things rather than place the responsibility for our feelings where it belonged (on them). They taught us to do all these things to get their approval. So we would accept their treatment of us. There is a sense of “I deserved it.”

Feel the truth. Feel the pain of the erroneous beliefs, the pain of what happened in relation to God’s Truth. Feel the pain of the harm, whatever the source.

The only reason we fear our parents is to prevent our own feelings.

The only reason we fear anything is that we want to prevent our own feelings about it.

When you realize this – when you know you can cope with your own emotional response to anything – you will not fear any person.

The first question was about the money changers in the temple – someone asked AJ, “Were you angry?” He said no, and then described the situation at the temple and more about his first-century life. Later he also discussed reincarnation – that the usual understanding of it is not correct and does not happen – and how it actually worked when he and the rest of the fourteen returned to earth. I did not take notes on these particular topics because AJ has discussed them elsewhere.

The day also included a very moving conversation that AJ had with a young woman in the audience about her childhood and her current feelings about her childhood and her parents. I didn’t take notes on that, either.

There were two main topics that were discussed on Sunday that I did take notes on: passive aggressiveness in American society/anger in general, and denial with regard to the Law of Attraction – plus a little bit about desire and making changes in our lives.

Passive aggressiveness in American society

We (Americans) tend to use: sarcasm, criticism (building up the self and pulling down others), gossip, control and manipulation, a dismissive attitude, rudeness, political activity, sports, and pouting/the silent treatment, among others.

We refuse to allow ourselves to believe we’re angry.

We pander to angry people.

The actions/attitudes listed above release some of the pent-up rage, but it tends to build up over time. People get “grumpy” when they’re older because of all that built-up anger.

Often when people connect to their anger for the first time, they go berserk. In a group, a riot may ensue.

Most people believe they’ve resolved their anger. Very little self-reflection.

There can be a gender bias in our passive-aggressive behavior and attitudes.

Men do “guy” things (like fishing trips) because they have sadness about their relationship and want to be away from it.

Objectifying the opposite gender is an expression of rage.

Excluding a gender is all about anger.

When angry, many people become ultra selfish and self-absorbed, not being in tune with what is going on around them. Including, that we want what we want and everyone else be damned.

When we are angry:

1) We often plead ignorance about it.
– There is a lot of rage in “you can’t expect me to know how to be loving.”
– Ignorance is a choice we make.
– If we are ignorant it’s because generally we choose to ignore what’s really going on.
– Ignorance is close to denial. (The word ignorance comes from ignore.) It is not using our will, not being humble, and not wanting to know the truth. We could choose to no longer be ignorant.

2) We deny that we are angry.
– We don’t see the link between our emotion and its effect in ourselves and in the world.
– How much love comes out of us often determines what comes back to us.
– Sarcasm is a choice to deny. It is an angry action, very unloving.
– Denial sets us up for passive aggressive expression of our rage.

Most of us are just a smidge away from violence. That’s why we are often on tenterhooks with one another. We pander to each other’s rage.

Our anger is attracting what we read about in the newspaper, what happens in the news.
– If I got loving attention as a child only when I was sick or hurt, imagine how that would affect my attractions as an adult and also contribute to news events.

The Law of Attraction

… is a law of love.

Consider:
1) How others treat others and how I feel about it.
2) How others treat me and how I feel about it.
3) How I treat others and how I feel about it.
4) How I treat myself and how I feel about it.

We are willing to talk about #1 and #2 first, because we feel we are not at fault. We prefer them from a perspective of denial.

#3 is the one we least want to see. This is about repentance. #3 is how we cause the most damage to our soul generally. Along with #1 it causes the majority of the damage to our soul. Most of us believe #2 caused most of our soul damage.

Our parents created a fertile ground for us to be unloving to others – but we had the choice.

Most people look only at #2 with the Law of Attraction.

Our internal ethics are often flawed:
Anything good, we think “I attracted it.”
Anything painful, “Someone did it to me.”
When the truth of this is exposed, we get quiet because we don’t want to hear it.

What I’ve done to another: I must see the truth and repent.
What others have done to me: I must see the truth and forgive.

Until our heart is open to repentance and forgiveness, we will continue to be closed to Divine Love.

We will not have problems with spirit influence if we engage forgiveness and repentance.

Desire

There was a question about overeating. AJ said, to change the direction of desire, it may help to ask about the truth of the situation. When we’re not willing to feel the cause (face the truth), we will revert back to the old behavior.