I am engaging myself in a 7 year journey to Nothingness. Meaning I am writing myself here...all the way through my mind, birthing my Life Potential within and as my physical body and Being Here. I re-structure myself within and as words. I am sharing my process of self-forgiveness, self-corrective statements and self-realizations as I walk my journey to life. Cheers and Enjoy.

important shit

Saturday, 14 December 2013

Day 534 Why Do I Resist Doing Things?

I noticed how there is a tendency within myself to resist
doing things sometimes…like I create a judgement and comparison preference
towards participating or not participating within particular things/opportunities…like
there’s this heaviness energy within myself…where I believe that participating
in particular things brings my self-interest into question/jeopardy. Like, I
will think of things that produce or keep me in alignment with a particular
energetic state. For example with the heaviness experience, it’s like in
particular instances it’s as though I would rather not commit to anything…that
by not committing to particular engagements I believe I will have more free
time…like more time to indulge myself within self-interested pursuits of
entertainment. I see how sometimes I create judgements towards moving
myself…like wanting to remain within a point of laziness…like the laziness
energy is this heaviness…and remaining within that experience requires no
physical effort what so ever. And it’s
really quite bizarre because once I commit myself to participating within
particular things where I have resistance to doing so, I actually quite enjoy
myself within self-expression while participating within particular
things/activities.

I think this laziness energy and resistance to doing things
is related to me within the years where I smoked copious amounts of marijuana
where I often turned down events/activities/opportunities because I preferred
to just sit around and get high…like making commitments to doing things seemed
like a lot of effort that I wasn't really that interested in.

I realize and understand I exist within a physical reality
where participation and movement is required.

I see me having resistance sometimes to participating within
social interactions and gatherings, like I would prefer to just remain by
myself and do my own thing. Though again this is interesting because I do enjoy
engaging/communicating/sharing self-expression with others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for
holding onto this laziness/heavy energetic experience within myself where I
prefer to remain within this heaviness lethargic state as opposed to moving
myself into physical participation with others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for
preferring to be by myself as opposed to being with others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for
creating conflict towards being by myself and being with others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for
neglecting social opportunities of activity and relationship out of preference
to being by myself within entertainment indulgences of self-interest.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for
judging myself for taking the time to spend time by myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for
feeling conflicted at times for wanting to take the time for myself when I see
and realize that many of my peers do not take the time for themselves within
self-investigation pursuits.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not
realizing and understanding how there was a time when I never really wanted to
be by myself and always existing within socializing experiences of
entertainment out of like the fear of being/spending time by myself without the
companionship of others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for
having difficulty within finding the perfect balance between social
interactions and private time to/for myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for flip
flopping within extremes of always socializing and isolation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for
judging myself for isolating myself sometimes.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for
defining isolation as negative.

I forgive myself for not realizing and understanding how I
have often focused socializing upon self-interested pursuits.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for
resisting socializing if I do not see any particular
benefits/rewards/self-interested pursuits within socializing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge
myself and feel guilty when I do not see any practical
support/benefit/reward/self-interested pursuits within socializing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for
creating judgement within myself to saying no to particular social
interactions....like believing that I should always say yes when offered to
participate within social activities.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for
compromising self-responsibilities within fearing to say no sometimes to
participating within social activities with peers.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for
giving social activities precedence of self-responsibilities/obligations.

When and as I see myself judging whether or not to socialize
with others from within the starting point of self-interest,
I stop and breathe, I realize and understand the suppressing myself expression
within socializing within the point of self-righteous self-interest is not
practical self-support.

2 comments:

Thanks, I noticed the same points within myself. Have your ever asked yourself how could one effectively identify when one's socializing is best for all and when not? What I see is that one should only socialize with those whose intention is self-support and doing what is best for all, but is this always practical? Do you have any guide/principle that you follow?

Thanks for Your Support Blaz. I've come to realize and understand that my starting point is the integral part in being able to determine whether my socializing is best for all or not...as it is who I am within my particpations. I find that things get complicated when I judge the intentions of others within socialization, I find it to be more practical to focus on who I am within socializing, because within this approach it's not so much about the intentions of those I am socializing with, but who and how I am within speaking/socializing. In taking this approach I become the example/solution I wish to see in the world. I see and realize everyone to be a teacher....and within this approach I am able to learn always all ways. Bernard wrote a document that is within the desteni articles that was titled something like, "george bush the greatest teacher"....the point being that everyone is an example and it is within our self-honesty that were able to discern and realize what is cool and what is not cool. I noticed I had much difficulty in socializing for sometime because of the exstensive self-righteous judgement I carried within myself....and what is interesting about this is that in a way I feared interacting with many others because I was hiding from the shame and nastiness that has been accepted and allowed to exist within myself. What's also interesting about this point is that socializing is quite cool because it is through interactions that our shit comes up within ourselves unexpectedly and we have the opportunities to gift ourselves with changing the inherent nature of our accepted and allowed deceit/spite. It's easy to control and regulate spite and self-deception when we accept and allow ourselves to judge others and their intentions because within this it is easy to align ourselves to only interact with people who have the same frame of mind as our ego's. I utilize resistance as a Life road map...where I explore/go into the resistance as a way of walking into the face of fear as what I resist doing...because I see and realize what we resist persists and often enough where there is resistance towards a particular engagement/activity/interaction, there is a point of self-expansion available as an opportunity to be opened up.