Floppy's Sister

It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single dolphin in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife. Unfortunately, Doris was not in possession of a good fortune. And she didn’t want a wife either. She just wanted a clean world to live in. And maybe a male dolphin to have a good time with.

You may have heard about Doris’s sister. Her name was Floppy. She travelled back in time and caused havoc in modern day earth. Like her sister, Doris has superpowers too (the superpowers were caused by all the radioactivity causing mutations that had leached into the oceans). Now that Floppy was gone, Doris was alone.

Doris looked around. She saw the dirty green ocean, slowly bubbling away with rotting fish corpses on top. She glanced over the remains of the land. The sea level had risen high enough to drown much of the land mass of earth. The few peaks that remained were devoid of trees (cut down to provide paper packaging for some needless human item). The land was one big blob of dull greyness. Concrete and buildings everywhere. Decaying. Life was merely a crawling, limping shadow she thought, signifying nothing.

Doris had seen her sister leave, hugging the outside of a time travelling blue box. Her supersonic hazel eyes picked out the remains of the time vortex echoing in the spot where the box dematerialised.

Blessed with superintelligence, Doris formulated a plan. Before the echo disappeared, she could enter into the vortex and arrive back in time before the apes could fully pollute and destroy her world. Floppy had failed to stop them, but Doris was sure that she would succeed. She glided towards the echo, and leapt through the air like a Sea World dolphin swimming to hit a suspended soccerball. With the grace of a flying monkeybat (a result of evil human genetic experiments) she slided into the time tunnel and raced back in time.

The wrath of Doris was about to begin…

***

THUD!!

Doris had landed. Several years after Floppy had been stopped by Sexy Voord. Unfortunately for the inhabitants of Earth, Sexy Voord and her detective assistant/partner Alvin Stardust were on holiday in the Andromeda Complex. Earth was defenceless. Uh-oh!

So it would be easy for Doris. End the early 21st century human civilisation and prevent any further pollution. That way, dolphinkind (and basically most non-human lifeforms) would survive.

A small crowd had gathered around her. Humans didn’t often see dolphins thud down in the middle of the street. It was quite an event. A wee boy approached Doris. Doris stood and looked down at the boy. His name was Jamie. Jamie looked up, smiling a toothy grin and outstretched a handful of lollies. Doris responded by slapping the boy across the face. SLAP! The crowd let out a collective gasp. She did it again. And again. SLAP!! SLAP!! SLAP!! Jamie’s face began bleeding from the attack. Doris then turned her attention to the shocked audience. Laser eyes swept through them, burning them into oblivion.

The next few days were chaotic. Doris’s favourite moment was commandeering a crane with a wrecking ball and using that to knock over the Eiffel Tower. Oh what fun! Numerous cities across Europe were wiped into nothingness. Countless people perished in her sustained attack. She swam across to America to continue the onslaught there. Their puny weapons would be no match for her intelligence (and weapons). There was nobody that could stop her…

***

“Halt right there!”

Doris turned around to look at the source of the high pitched squeak. Standing there, cape bellowing behind her in the wind, was Alpha Centauri (chief negotiator and ambassador for the Galactic Federation).

“I’ll solve this problem,” declared Alpha Centauri. And if she says she can do it then she can do it, she don’t make false claims. “We shall meet with the US President and reach an agreement!” Alpha’s decades of experience would be priceless in this situation.

***

It was an extraordinary sight. The White House lawn. The President. A super dolphin. And a hermaphrodite hexapod. All drinking tea, and discussing the elephant in the room. There was really an elephant in the room. That’s why they retreated to the lawn for the tea.

“But back to business,” cried Alpha Centauri. “Doris claims that you must stop polluting this planet!”

“But it’ll cost us money!” whinged the human. “It’s easier if we do nothing.”

“You really expect us to cut back on our materialism, reduce waste and strive for sustainable alternative energy sources?”

“Yes.”

“Well it’s just not possible. We will not change. It’s not our problem.”

Alpha Centauri and Doris both sighed. It was clear that the humans would not change their ways. Alpha was struck with a moment of inspiration.

“Mr President,” she squeaked, removing her vortex manipulator. “How about you take this, and go into the future with Doris and see the extent of the problem. That may change your mind.”

Reluctantly, the President agreed. Together, he and the dolphin went into the far future. The sight was shocking. It was a planet of death. It was so miserable, and depressing. No redeeming features. It was clear how toxic humanity had been to the planet. He was desperate to escape this real life hell. He looked down at the vortex manipulator. ARRRGGH! Alpha had tricked them. It was set on a one way course. There was no return for him. Doris realised that she had been betrayed too. There was nothing left to do. She swiped off the President’s head (it fell into the water with a splash) and swam away, accepting that she was to die soon.

***

Back at the White House, Alpha Centauri was sad. To save the humans from Doris’s massacre, she had tricked her. But now it meant that the humans were going to pollute this planet to death. Grimly, she took a presidential car back to her spaceship and left the earth. She would not be coming back. Down below her, humanity continued on its course of pollution and destruction

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