~The Importance of Finding Yourself~

I often daydream about the state of the planet, & all the people; the world, the Universe, the other Universes, worlds & beyond, that I just know exist. I have a message for all those who are struggling & suffering. I wish I could pause time & say: “Hey, hold on a minute! Stop what you’re doing for a sec & just BE.”

I always thought once I’m better I’ll be able to start helping others, because I know I can – I’ve been through so many terrible things & come out the other side shining. I keep waiting & waiting & waiting for that day, the day I go back to ‘normal’, the day I’m not afraid, or stressed.

Where is that day? Is it coming soon? I wondered, what if it never comes, what if this is it? The rest of my days living in ‘survival mode’, just doing what I have to do to survive, just the basics, that’s it. Just passing time. Is that what I want? Is that gonna be good enough? It’s safe, that’s for sure, & I like safe. But I’m restless now.It’s time to wipe the slate clean. I know I have a purpose here & it’s time I put the past behind me, once & for all, & move forward. I need to put it out there so that it can help others, and myself. This is the last piece of the puzzle that will heal me. That elusive corner piece. I’ve connected with a bunch of great new people, spiritual people, people who are like what I’m becoming. People that have woken up.

I’m so blessed to connect to these beautiful souls, & I need to start walking the talk.
Even I can’t believe how much I’ve changed. I look back at my life pre-27 yrs, & what a wild one I was. No fear, fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants, adventure seeking party animal. I used to say, some ppl are here to be doctors, lawyers, but me, I’m just here to party. I never worried about a thing. Oh how I miss that girl …. sort of.You see, I didn’t have the wisdom I have now. I didn’t really appreciate things, took ’em for granted; I was lost. I was searching for something, I didn’t know it then but it was myself.

At 30 I really started figuring some things out. I always knew, ever since I was a kid, that there was something more out there. In grade school, I read those ‘Choose Your Own Adventure’ books, there were 5 that fascinated me, looking back now, I felt pulled to them – one about the Mayans, one about the Incas, & one about the Aztecs, one about UFO’s & one about Atlantis. There was something so familiar about them. Ancient wisdom! At 31, a friend gave me a book he thought I needed: “The Mastery of Love” by don Miguel Ruiz. Ever jump up & down while reading a book because you’re beyond excited to be reading your own thoughts & feelings?

That was more than a ‘lightbulb moment’, it was a 100 flash-bang grenades moment! I was at a very low point of despair at that time, a few more months in the situation I was in would have killed me. Everything really does happen for a reason & at the right time.

At that time, I was in the ‘bad 6 yr span’; it was after the first traumatic experience, during the second but before the 3rd. 3 terrible traumas, in a 6 yr span – one every 2 yrs. I didn’t sleep for a whole year! Saw a shink, tried some meds, made me worse (surprise surprise!), stopped them, then saw a psych, took self-defense classes & got an alarm system in my 3 1/2. Still didn’t feel safe .. there are some really sick people out there. Those who do harm to others physically or mentally .. I want to say I hate them .. but I know they are just lost.

ONLY HURT PEOPLE HURT PEOPLE. I want to get back to the carefree girl, or I should say move forward into a wise carefree girl.

I constantly ‘come back down’ to 3d to hang with my non-spiritual friends, but I don’t like it down there; don’t like the lower energies, but I spend time there, passing time & not living. The drama, the gossip, the egos, all the stuff that doesn’t serve you – it’s nonsense, static. I’ve been growing spiritually at such an accelerated rate over the years … but I’m not living in it full time. I’m still somewhat of a mess inside. I’ve been trying to get closure on all 3 traumas, to no avail, so never really let it go. People talk about forgiveness. And I’m stuck there. I can’t forgive any of the people who did those things because I’m still waiting for my justice. How can I forgive someone who doesn’t realize they did something wrong.

I can’t seem to.
That’s where my vacation comes in. It’s going to be a transformation & a half. I know it’s the doorway, the StarGate, if you will, that will transform me.

I’ve been having a reoccurring dream for about, oh, ten yrs now. Always on vacation, but I realize it’s my last day & I have to leave, but I forgot to go to the beach, forgot to take pics! As if that would happen!! I interpret that as my soul/spirit wanting/trying to go home/Caribbean … & I’m not allowed to even get a taste in my dreams !! Now that I finally am sane enough & making decent money, I’ve decided to take this trip in August. 14 yrs since I stepped on a beach, or in the ocean. It was never even close to feasible in the past decade. That’s CRAZY for me! I fell head over heels in love with the islands the moment I stepped off the plane. I remember when I got the Club Med job, how ecstatic I was !!! A dream come true. I had only taken my bartending course (after seeing Tom Cruise in ‘Cocktail’ – I was like, ‘Wow, ppl do that ??’)

I instantly knew that’s what I was going to do. And I did 😊 I told all my buds I’m leaving Canada for good. I arrived in Eleuthera, Bahamas in 97, having never worked behind a bar. I told that to the local barmen when I got there. His answer? “No matter, you’re in the Bahamas now!!” Nice 😎

Down by the bay, Rum shop stop: 3 bottles for about $15US

After 1 year, it all went to shit. By my own doing. I know now it just wasn’t the right time for that for me – I hadn’t learned all the lessons I needed yet. I was still a party animal, drinking to excess, trying to escape myself. I didn’t know it then, but I see it now. I didn’t appreciate where I was, what I had, nothing. I drank myself right out of my Turkoise job, leaving a few weeks before my contract ended. Traveled some, went to the DR, to Miami, then did an eenie-meenie-minie-moe at the aeropuerto and went to Cancun. We bought a 1 yr open-ended ticket, yeah baby I was so psyched. Moving to Mexico. Living in Mexico. Now we’re talking. But alas, with the subtlety of a bomb, that dream ended on Day 2. There are 365 days in a year … so, not the 100th, or the 50th, but the SECOND day there, I got my drunk ass kicked & was left on the side of the road by the entrance of the Club. They found me all bloody, with my hands over my face rocking back & forth, repeating, ‘Why did they do this to me’ ….According to the Universe, I wasn’t supposed to be there then. But that set off a domino effect downward spiral that I’m very lucky to be here to talk about now. BOY DO I APPRECIATE NOW!

My Quantum Medicine teacher @ the NHC last year was spot on I gotta say !!! I love energy. What a wonderful wondrous thing. She wanted us to recall how we came into this world; if it was smooth, then so shall your life be; if it was not, then fasten your seat belt !! And wow, how crazily spot on that is!! When I was born, my right foot was folded forward, almost touching my ankle. My parents didn’t think I’d be able to walk. Imagine that, 1971, excited about your first child, & then omg a handicap/disability. I felt for my parents for that moment 😦

As I grew it wound up straightening out (with the help of a metal bar under my booties), then grade school was the shoes with the platform under one to even out my leg – good times .. At ten they removed a part of my tibia in my longer leg so it would grow slower, letting the other catch up … so this 5’4 girl should’ve been about 5’9ish … So ya, guess that set the stage for the craziness to come; what a struggle. But I know now all those things/events had a purpose, had to teach me. I wouldn’t change a thing. Ahhh to go back down there in this state of mind/soul!

But first was the downward spiral; I won’t get into too many details about the 2nd incident, suffice it to say that after being so down from the Cancun fiasco, I pretty much picked up the partying where I left off, but took it much much further … going underground for 3 years into the rave scene. Don’t get me wrong, that time opened me up in many ways; I grew a lot. Had it just stayed that way, I woulda been fine – I had a fulltime M-F job in an accounting firm, and only partied/popped on Fri/Sat. Weekend Warrior. But then along came the smooth-talking conman, I now wonder if it was the devil himself … what an evil lost person that was. A sociopath/compulsive gambler/conman/manipulator/drug addict … all those traits you wanna bring home to your mama. Lol. But he kept that under wraps for the first 6 months – the Oscar goes to: E.K.

Long story short (that year is a whole season of Dr. Phil shows) … he took me for everything I had, conned my family friends & coworkers, I was living in this weird dual world. There was what he told me about something, then there was how I thought it really was. I almost went bonkers. Every time he was conning me, he did it so well. He made me believe I was crazy to not believe him – when in reality I wasn’t, I was right on. I was living 2 moments in each one – trying to explain it properly lol When I finally started to wise up to what was going on, he got abusive. I only took that for about 2 months, then finally left … only a shell of my former self. My earliest memory from after escaping that situation was standing in a store looking at bags of chips, & I was unable to make my own decision on which kind I wanted. Talk about giving up & giving away your power! Eventually, I slowly bounced back, rebuilt, & moved forward. It took years.If compound PTSD is a thing, I had it. Have it. I still l get flashes. To this day. A person can only take so much.

I think a person can take as much as they believe they can. Because whatever you tell yourself, is what is, is what becomes. Becomes reality. Your reality. You have a thought, then a little moment of reality is created. You have another thought, another little moment of reality is created, & so on & so on. Do you fully understand the sheer POWER of that statement? It means starting right now, you can create anything you want! Life IS just a series of nows. Strung together. So then of course, since you are the one who decides what to think, to set yourself up to have the best possible experience, why wouldn’t you only tell yourself positive things?! Knowing that we CAN create, that we ARE creators, help yourself out! Hopefully by now you’ve become you’re own best friend & will want to be good to yourself & create the most joyful experiences possible. And a Beautiful Life you shall have ***(Added in Jan2017)

Then in 2004, the worst thing of them all. I went to bed at 10:30 on a Friday night in May, then @ 2:43am I awoke to an intruder who was on top of me straddling me, arms pinned down & legs, his hand over my mouth & the other going for mypyjama buttons, all the while repeating don’t scream, don’t scream in french.THE NERVE !!! Who does that?? I couldn’t believe it was happening – I remember thinking I hope my murder will be loud enough that my neighbor wakes up before I actually die. Scrambling for a way to get out from under him, I bit the hand over my mouth as hard as I could, he punched me twice, but it worked, I pushed him off with all my might & screamed so loud people down the street heard it. And I chased the fucker right outta my apartment. He ran out the same way he broke in. My mind was trying to register what I was seeing. The back door open, the door’s window open, & the screen on the ground. It’s such a fucked up state to be in, you’re still trying to register what the hell is happening & how, but mostly you just want to save your life. To Live. I didn’t sleep for a year, I was too terrified to go to sleep. Who does that?? I was never the same after that.

They caught him 4 days later trying to get into my neighbors’, & I had already told everyone to be careful, putting signs up & being very vigilant. My neighbors beat him a little, & held him down & tried to come get me so I could get in a few kicks, but they knocked on the wrong door. Funny how shit like that happens sometimes.

The moral of the story is that I’m the happiest-go-luckiest-gal I know 🙂 Always positive, always smiling, always trying to spread Peace, Love & Positivity. Because it’s a decision. A decision I happily & naturally make every day. You should too 😉

I got the Golden Key. The secret of life, of happiness. Why we’re really here. One day I realized you don’t have to wait for anything to come along & make you happy, you just decide:

I AM Happy!

Somehow, I survived.

Happiness is a Choice.

Metaphorically I imagine myself in a big field, that is my life. There’s a fence, and the fence is the 40 yr mark. I’ve hopped over the fence to start this next half of my life, leaving the past behind, yet my shirt got stuck on the fence & I’m caught. Just wanna unhook my shirt from the fence. This trip will be cathartic. It’s a BIG DEAL to me. I’m 40 & it’s 2012. The time is now. So remember, don’t sweat the small stuff. Never expect anything. Just be happy the way you are, you’re perfect cuz you’re you. Don’t waste time worrying what others think, get out of those low energies – this is a note-to-self as well. I’m constantly researching reading & learning, I love it. I can do anything I want. But it’s been long enough now wallowing in ‘my story’. I don’t wanna be ‘my story’ anymore, I wanna just BE.