Why is it that the sight of an international legend made entirely of melted down sequins whose name starts with CH always make me run around my apartment screaming their name with a parade of sparkly exclamation points following behind me? If you ever want to send me into a gay tailspin, just show me a picture of Charo kissing Cher and hold your bowl out as the rainbow popcorn comes flying out of my ear holes. We’ll have to do that sometime.

So Vanity Fair slid next to CHER! CHER! CHER! and asked her about everything from Sarah Palin to aging to her son Chaz Bono. Cher never disappoints.

I could sit on a mahogany gothic throne from Cher’s Sanctuary catalog, put my fist under my chin and listen to her ass all day long. I wouldn’t even shift my fist a bit when the Botox in her face starts to harden and her assistant has to loosen it up a bit with a heat wand. Nope. I wouldn’t move.

Anyways, here’s Cher!

Cher on Sarah Palin: “I got so obsessed with [C-SPAN] that it was kind of interfering with my life. Sarah Palin came on, and I thought, Oh, fuck, this is the end. Because a dumb woman is a dumb woman.”

Cher on Arizona governor Jan Brewer: “She was worse than Sarah Palin, if that is possible. This woman was like a deer in headlights. She’s got a handle on the services of the state, and I would not let her handle the remote control.”

Cher on getting old: “I think Meryl [Streep] is doing it great. The stupid bitch is doing it better than all of us! But I don’t like it. It’s getting in my way. I have a job to do, and it’s making my job harder. I’ve been screaming at the top of my lungs at my family, ‘Work out! Work out! Old age is coming!’ At some point you will need the strength. Who would have ever thought you would get this old?”

Cher on paying taxes: “I would be willing to pay a lot more taxes, because I make a lot more money, but I don’t want to give them more to just fuck things up more. It really should fall on people like me to get together and do things to help the people in this country. If you’re not worrying about how to put food on your table, you [should be] worrying about why other people don’t have food on their table. I remember a great America where we made everything. There was a time when the only thing you got from Japan was a really bad cheap transistor radio that some aunt gave you for Christmas.”

Cher on Chaz: “If I woke up tomorrow in a guy’s body, I would just kick and scream and cry and fucking rob a bank, because I cannot see myself as anything but who I am—a girl. I would not take it as well as Chaz has. I couldn’t imagine it. She’s a very smart girl—boy! This is where I get into trouble. My pronouns are fucked. I still don’t remember to call her ‘him.’”

About that fucking up her pronouns things…. Cher shouldn’t flick herself in the taint for it. Hell, I’ve never had gender reassignment surgery and my mom does that to me all the time….and so does the bill collector on the other end of the line….and whoever is behind the drive-thru speaker. Call me “mam” as much as you fucking want as long as you make sure to put an extra slice of cheese on my Double Double!

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