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Topic: Comic Relief!! (Read 441019 times)

Yo mama so ugly when she joined an ugly contest, they said "Sorry, no professionals."Yo mama so ugly she looks out the window and got arrested for mooning.Yo mama so ugly just after she was born, her mother said "What a treasure!" and her father said "Yes, let's go bury it."Yo mama so ugly they push her face into dough to make gorilla cookies.Yo mama so ugly they filmed "Gorillas in the Mist" in her showerYo mama so ugly they didn't give her a costume when she tried out for Star Wars.Yo mama so ugly instead of putting the bungee cord around her ankle, they put it around her neckYo mama so ugly she gets 364 extra days to dress up for Halloween.Yo mama so ugly when she walks into a bank, they turn off the surveillence camerasYo mama so ugly her mom had to be drunk to breast feed herYo mama so ugly her mom had to tie a steak around her neck to get the dogs to play with her.Yo mama so ugly when she walks down the street in September, people say "Wow, is it Halloween already?"Yo mama so ugly the government moved Halloween to her birthday.Yo mama so ugly that if ugly were bricks she'd have her own projects.Yo mama so ugly they pay her to put her clothes on in strip joints.Yo mama so ugly she made an onion cry.Yo mama so ugly they filmed "Gorillas in the Mist" in her shower!Yo mama so ugly when they took her to the beautician it took 12 hours. . .for a quote!Yo mama so ugly they put her in dough and made monster cookies!Yo mama so ugly she tried to take a bath the water jumped out!Yo mama so ugly she looks out the window and gets arrested!Yo mama so ugly even Rice Krispies won't talk to her!Yo mama so ugly Ted Dansen wouldn't date her!Yo mama so ugly for Halloween she trick or treats on the phone!Yo mama so ugly she turned Medusa to stone!Yo mama so ugly The NHL banned her for lifeYo mama so ugly she gets 364 extra days to dress up for Halloween!Yo mama so ugly the government moved Halloween to her birthday!Yo mama so ugly if ugly were bricks she'd have her own projects!Yo mama so ugly they pay her to put her clothes on in strip jointsYo mama so ugly she made an onion cry!Yo mama so ugly people go as her for Halloween.Yo mama so ugly that when she sits in the sand on the beach, cats try to bury her.Yo mama so ugly she scares the roaches away.Yo mama so ugly we have to tie a steak around your neck so the dog will play with her!Yo mama so ugly I heard that your dad first met her at the pound.Yo mama so ugly that if ugly were bricks she'd have her own projects.Yo mama so ugly that your father takes her to work with him so that he doesn't have to kiss her goodbye.

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.The therapist turned to the husband and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?''Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I golf.'

Women should not have children after 35. Really... 35 children are enough.Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at bowling alleys.After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.I am a nobody. Nobody is perfect. Therefore, I am perfect.I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been giving me lately!No one ever says, "It's only a game," when their team is winning.I gave my son a hint. On his room door I put a sign: "CHECKOUT TIME IS 18""If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?"Why do we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?"Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?On my first day of school my parents dropped me off at the wrong nursery. There I was... surrounded by trees and bushes.Why is it that most nudist are people you don't want to see naked?I earn a seven-figure salary. Unfortunately, there's a decimal point involved.The next time you feel like complaining, remember: Your garbage disposal probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world.Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.My wife and I were happy for twenty years .... then we met.Home is where you can say anything you like 'cause nobody listens to you anyway.I live in my own little world, but it's ok, they know me here.Sign in pet store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the 'terminal'?I see your IQ test results were negative.I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected.Regular naps prevent old age..... especially if you take them while driving.

One day St. Peter saw a street gang walking up to the Pearly Gates. St. Peter ran to God and said, "God, there are some low-life street gang members at the Gates. What do I do?"God relied, "Just do what you normally do with that type. Redirect them."St. Peter went back to carry out the order, but he suddenly came running back and yelling, "God, God, they're gone! They're gone!""The street gang?""No, the Pearly Gates!"

I knew a girl that was so ugly that... She was known as a two bagger. That's when a girl is so ugly that you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks""I knew a girl that was so ugly that... I bent down to pet her cat only to find that it was the hair on her legs.""I knew a girl that was so ugly that... I took her to a dog show and she won first prize.""I knew a girl that was so ugly that... I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.""I knew a girl that was so ugly that... She looks like she came in second in a hatchet fight!""I knew a girl that was so ugly that... The last time I saw a mouth like hers it had a hook on the end of it."I knew a girl that was so ugly that... She has a face like a saint--A saint bernard!"

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study & said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little & get your hair cut, & we'll talk about it."After about a month, the boy came back & again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car. They again went to the father's study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!" The young man waited a moment & replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, & even Jesus had long hair ..." To which his father replied, "Yes, & they WALKED every where they went too!"

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.2) Wrinkles don't hurt.3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD1) Growing up is mandatory; growing old is optional.2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

A small boy is wandering in a hotel, and hearing some noises decides to open a door. He says "Wow, it's dark here!" You can imagine that there's a man with a woman in bed in that room... The man asks, "What do you want? Here's a pound, leave us alone." A bit latter, the boy goes back again, opens the door, and says: "Wow, it's dark here!" "Not you again! Here, take this and go buy yourself something." And the boy goes out with 2 pounds.The following morning, the boy feels some remorse, and tells what happened to his mother. She says: "That's wrong. You should go to the church, and confess yourself."So there he goes. Entering the booth, he says: "Wow, it's dark here!".To which the priest says: "Not you again, are you following me around?"

There was a beautiful young blonde at a soda machine in Vegas, and she arrived there just before a business man coming to quench his thirst.She opened her purse and put in 50 cents, studied the machine a short while, pushed a Diet Coke selection, and out came a Diet Coke. She placed it on a counter next to the machine.Then she reached in her purse again and pulled out a dollar and inserted it in the machine. Studying the machine carefully, she pushed the button for Coke Classic and out came a Coke Classic and 50 cents change.She immediately took the 50 cents and put it in the machine, studied it for a moment and pushed the Mountain Dew button. Out came a Mountain Dew. She placed them both on the counter next to the Diet Coke. As she was reaching into her purse again, the business man, who'd been waiting patiently for several minutes by then, spoke up. "Excuse me, miss, but are you done yet?"She looked at him and indignantly asked, "Well Duh! Can't you see I'm still winning?"

Two hikers were walking through central Pennsylvania when they came upon a 6 foot wide hole in the ground. They figured it must be the opening for a vertical air shaft from an old abandoned coal mine. Curious as to the depth of the hole, the first hiker picked up a nearby rock and tossed it into the opening. They listened... and heard nothing. The second hiker picked up an even larger rock and tossed it into the opening. They listened... and still heard nothing. Then they both picked up an old railroad tie, dragged it to the edge of the shaft, and hurled it down. Seconds later a dog came running up between the two men and jumped straight into the hole. Bewildered, the two men just looked at each other, trying to figure out why a dog would do such a thing. Soon a young boy ambled onto the scene and asked if either man had seen a dog around here. The hikers told him about the dog that had just jumped into the hole. The young boy laughed and said, "That couldn't be my dog. My dog was tied to a railroad tie!"