Main menu

Actual conversations...

Pages

After a good, long run, we have decided to close our forums in an effort to refocus attention to other sections of the site. Fortunately for you all, we're living in a time where discussion of a favorite topic now has a lot of homes. So we encourage you all to bring your ravenous love for discussion to Chuck's official Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr and Instagram. And, as always, you can still post comments on all News updates. Thank you for your loyalty and passion over the years. These changes will happen June 1.

This conversation is a couple of weeks old, but I enjoyed it. My cousin's youngest son is four and he's a cool ass kid, and really fun to talk to.

Him: You want to buy Minecraft on your phone and play with me?
Me: Nah, bud, sorry. I don't want to spend any money. I'll download the free version though.
Him: You could just go to the bank in Colorado (This conversation took place in Pennsylvania) and buy some money real quick.
Me: That's not really how that works, dude.
Him: But it would be a lot of gas, so if you ran out, you would have to take a taxi. But you don't have a taxi license.
Me: No, I suppose I don't.
Him: You like the picture?
Me: What picture?
Him: The invisible one on the wall.
Me: I can't see it, it's invisible.
Him: Oh.
Him: Wanna take some pictures with me on the ipad?
Me: Sure.
Then we took silly pictures with the ipad where you distort your face and shit. Then he recorded himself doing a Batman rap.
Paraphrasing him: I'm Batman! You can't mess with me. I'll punch you in the face. Robin, is my sidekick. I'm Batman.
He added punching motions and arm movements as well as he recorded himself. Cutest kid in the world, ever.

Brazil nuts used to be called nigger toes by racists back in the day because of how they look. They still call them that in some remote parts of Texas. Watch the episode of Louie on season two when he takes his daughter to visit their elderly relative, there's a whole bit about Brazil nuts.

Hmmmm.
I think that everyone has racist relatives. It creates an uncomfortable dynamic for those who aren't. One doesn't want to condone that behavior, but still cares for those people as family. It seems like newer generations are becoming more tolerant, with the twenty and thirty somethings being on the cusp of the 'old' mentality. I'm an optimist in that regard, and think that two generations from now, people will have almost zero bigotry within them. I think that with the age of information, parents can no longer indoctrinate their children without going through ridiculous effort.

That's really insane. Just out of pure coincidence the one guy to whom you mention shoes and wife, has a wife who has no feet for shoes.
At least you can sleep easy knowing you did nothing wrong, since, obviously you had no idea.
It's also genuinely saddening that she's a double amputee.

I was using a random laptop the other day for roller derby stats stuff in the sports hall and this guy came up and:
Guy: Is it behaving well?
Me: What?
Guy: My computer.
Me: This is yours?
Guy: Yeah.
Me: It works. You Google some weird stuff though...
Guy: (Horrified expression, panic.)
Me: I was only joking, I'm sorry, I haven't looked.
Guy: That's the worst thing you can say to someone.

We did laugh after. Never seen someone look so worried before though. Good joke, good joke me!

All that kept running through my head was... Well I really stuck my foot in my mouth there...

And I couldn't even say it!

You just got off the wrong foot is all but you couldn't even say that! At least you toed the line a bit to see if he would stand for such a remark, but you really didn't have a leg to stand on without sounding like a complete heel!

I was using a random laptop the other day for roller derby stats stuff in the sports hall and this guy came up and:
Guy: Is it behaving well?
Me: What?
Guy: My computer.
Me: This is yours?
Guy: Yeah.
Me: It works. You Google some weird stuff though...
Guy: (Horrified expression, panic.)
Me: I was only joking, I'm sorry, I haven't looked.
Guy: That's the worst thing you can say to someone.

We did laugh after. Never seen someone look so worried before though. Good joke, good joke me!

Oh man. He deserved it for just leaving t where anyone could come open it and access it though.

They had people bring in computers just so we can all learn this system. I didn't bring mine it because I don't like sharing my stuff.
Tuffy! Too far!

Ritt is picking on me, is this because before I posted about how no one appreciates my jokes? I don't like what you're doing, please stop, it's making me very uncomfortable! I have learned my lesson about being a show off or whatever the lesson is.

In the past, I would join my wife's family serving Thanksgiving dinner to the parishioners at her father’s church (which is across the street from a retirement community). The year my son was born, my wife stayed at home to take care of him while I rode with my brother-in-law and his friend to the church. As a point of reference, at the time, my sister-in-law was thirty and my brother-in-law, and his friend, were around fifty.
This conversation came after the friend recounted his night at the bar:

Friend: I like them young. I like them in diapers.
Brother-in-law: Yeah, but what do you have in common with them.
Friend: Look who’s talking, we know you like them in diapers.(Both started laughing in the front seat)
Friend: They’re better looking in diapers.
Brother-in-law: Yeah, but they can be a handful.
Friend: Are you complaining?
Brother-in-law: Hell no.(More laughter)
Friend (turning to me in the back seat): What about you? Do you like them in diapers?
Me: Why do you think I’m going to serve dinner today?

I would feel like I was a bad parent here, for not noticing my kid was up milling around too late, but maybe I shouldn't?

headphones in my ears facebooking, some history channel documentary on:

Zachariah: [waves arms]

Pep: [peripheral notices, looks up, removes headphones]

Zachariah:... and also how could one family possibly populate the earth?

Pep: Huh?

Zachariah: Noah's family. The one they are talking about. You know the flood makes no sense as it is. The waters couldn't do that and still have the lands be preserved. The mantle of the earth would have to rise up and that just couldn't happen and anyone survive.

Server: Here's the check sir, take your time.
Guy: Thanks.
[Server leaves]Guy: Why'd she assume I'm gonna pay?Me: Yes! Do your anti-feminist thing!Guy: Okay, ready?Me: Go!Guy: So because I don't have a vagina, I don't deserve to ever have anyone pay for me? And because maybe we have sex, I have to pay you with food and gifts and I'M GOOD LOOKING TOO AND MAYBE YOU SHOULD PAY ME HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT HOW DOES THAT MAKE YOU FEEL??Me: Terrible! That was good. But maybe she gave you the check because you saw her coming and I did not and thus my mouth was full of apple pie and I was clearly much, much too distracted stuffing my face to listen.Guy: Why not put it in the middle like MOST people would? She specifically said SIR. I heard it!Me: Well... I'm going to do my feminist thing, are you ready?Guy: Always.Me: MAYBE you being male makes it look like you make more money than me. And you do! Because in the world we live in, the idea of a woman like me making more money than a man like you would be WEIRD. Like on the way here when we saw a black guy in a suit having his tire changed by a white guy. I know you remember that shit! It was memorable because you're racist and you didn't expect it! So really the fact that it's assumed you'd pay is a compliment. It was assumed you're more successful. It was assumed I'd have to leech off you.Guy: You know, I really didn't care at first. I was joking. But now... I hate you.

Also, that server was wayyyyy too enthusiastic and eager to please. She suggested something to me so I ordered it. Shortly after getting the food, I leaned back in my chair. She popped up out of nowhere.

It was okay. But there was a ton of it. I ate less than a third because the only reason we came to that place was for the dessert (sizzling apple pie at Cantina Laredo, go get it, it's an explosion of texture and temperature and 100% sugar... if you eat the whole thing, I think you get instant diabetes... WORTH IT).

Me: Oh no! She's going to think I didn't like it! It would be easier if she would get angry... but I know she won't... she'll be disappointed and that's the worse...Guy: I'm going to tell her you hated it and want to speak to the manager.Me: Nooooooooooo!

My boss can be a real snot face, I love him to pieces but he gets this catty dramaqueen attitude at times and I have learned that the best response, when he obviously isn't truly upset just being a bitchy queen about things is to speak my mind right back.

yeah he was serious that I was still on the clock and shouldn't stand around, but also he was a brat about it, so I was a brat back, made him laugh by being so and then went around and tidied up the store.

He should know he just has to ask me to do things, or tell me what to do, and I will do it. He doesn't have to be a jerk.

I was going to put this in whatever thread was full of Kardashian talk but I suppose it's natural for it to spread like a rash throughout the website.

This isn't really a conversation since I was too incapacitated by the beauty of the idea to answer but yesterday I was watching Wreck-It-Ralph with my sister because that’s what we’re into, I guess. For reference, we were talking about this clip of a Kanye West interview.

Sister: So if Kanye West is Vanellope von Schweetz… does that make Kim Kardashian Wreck-It Ralph?
_______________________________________________

One real one. This weekend was my mom’s birthday so we went out to eat last night. She likes Red Lobster. On the drive there.

Boyfriend: So what are you getting?Me: I don’t know. I’ve never been to Red Lobster. Like what do they have?Boyfriend: Uh... lobster and other red stuff…Me: Thanks. You’re no help.Boyfriend: Did you just say I’m no Yelp? Because that’s hilarious.Me: Yeah that’s what I said. I’m hilarious.

Judge Judy: Men are not second class citizens when it comes to custody battles, do you understand? Other judges and attorneys think so but I don't. You said it's your baby, it's not. It's both of you.
Me: You go Judge Judy. That's men's rights right there.
Haley: That's stupid. I carried her.
Me: Yeah but I carried you.

Judge Judy: Men are not second class citizens when it comes to custody battles, do you understand? Other judges and attorneys think so but I don't. You said it's your baby, it's not. It's both of you.
Me: You go Judge Judy. That's men's rights right there.
Haley: That's stupid. I carried her.
Me: Yeah but I carried you.
Jesus: And I carried you both. Haven't you ever read a "Footprints in the Sand" wall plaque?"

Pages

Important Disclaimer: Although this is Chuck Palahniuk’s official website, we are in essence, more an official ‘fansite.’ Chuck Palahniuk himself does not own nor run this website. Nor did he create it. It was started by Dennis Widmyer, who is the webmaster and editor of most of the content. Chuck Palahniuk himself should not be held accountable nor liable for any of the content posted on this website. The opinions expressed in the news updates, content pages and message boards are not the opinions of Chuck Palahniuk nor his publishers. If you are trying to contact Chuck Palahniuk, sending emails to this website will not get you there. You should instead, take the more professional route of contacting his publicist at Doubleday.