ARA: Shouldn’t the bridesmaids attend the shower?

My friend Mary is getting married next year. She has asked a few of her close friends to serve as her bridesmaids, some live in town or within driving distance to town and some who don’t. The bride understands that those who do not live within driving distance to Albany are probably not going to make it to all wedding events, and has said a million times that they are not obligated to be there for everything.

Mary set the date for her wedding shower and confirmed it with all of her bridesmaids and put a deposit down for the shower. This was the only date that she could do it since she lives out of town. No sooner did she put the deposit down that a couple of the bridesmaids that live within driving distance to town emailed and said that they could not go to the shower because they have another wedding to attend and forgot about it. Not only did they say they couldn’t attend the shower, but they asked if Mary would move the date for them. If they don’t go, then none of Mary’s bridesmaids will be at the shower.

What do your readers think about this situation? Should Mary move the date of the shower to accomodate her bridesmaids? Or should the bridesmaids attend the shower, understanding that when you commit to being in the wedding, it takes precedence over other weekend events?

39 Responses

I’m confused. You say some of the bridesmaids live in town and some live out of town. A “couple” of the out-of-towners can’t make it so then none of the bridesmaids will attend the shower? I think something is missing here, or maybe I’m under-caffeinated and I’m the only one having a hard time with this. But assuming that, through some course of events, none of the bridesmaids will attend the shower as currently scheduled, should that be cause to move the date? Probably not. I’m assuming there will be other guests in attendance. I had some groomsmen back out of my bachelor party but we didn’t reschedule just to accommodate them. If the people who backed out of the shower are within driving distance, then maybe they can do a smaller thing with the bride to make up for double booking.

When I got married, out of town bridesmaids did not attend my shower and it was perfectly fine with me. I had 2 who were there and 2 who were not. Nobody got banished from the kingdom. It is a tough call here because perhaps the person getting married is an even closer friend, you never know. Weddings really cannot be moved but showers can. It would be the bride’s decision really – is she okay to still hold her shower without her bridal party or is it important that they be there. If she feels it is important, she she move her shower. A wedding is necessary, a shower is not.

Mary should move the date. I don’t think Mary would like it if 3 of her wedding guests couldn’t come to her wedding because of someone else’s bridal shower. That being said, why is Mary planning her own bridal shower??

Moving the shower depends on how important the bridesmaids attendance is to Mary. If Mary wants them there, she’ll move the date. If she doesn’t care, it can stay as is. It’s that simple. While I do think that the bridesmaids should have remembered they had a wedding to attend before confirming the date, life happens and sometimes things do come up that prevent a bridesmaid from attending every single event, regardless of distance. Brides should be understanding of this fact.

what is it about weddings that makes brides-to-be into self centered snobs? everyone else has to plan an entire year around multiple parties associated with someone’s wedding. how “tragic” that these bridesmaids made a mistake in their probably hectic schedules.

david not is it most unusual, it is downright tacky. screams to me in it for the moneperhaps she is well off and her friends aren’t so she decided to pay, fine. she still should have had her “friends” do the leg work and just wrote the check. at the very least it would look better.

I don’t think its that big a deal if some bridesmaids can’t make it. I had one (two depending on the time of year as my sister was at school) out of town bridesmaids. They missed a lot of planning things but it wasn’t a big deal. They did all make the shower buts thats because we planned it around their scheduales.

And as for the bride planning it. I helped plan mine. Two of three bridesmaids weren’t able to be around to plan (though they contributed financially) so I helped my mom and other bridesmaid plan stuff. They asked me to. And if the bride is out of town it makes sense that she had say in the date, its not like they could do it without them.

You don’t skip a wedding to attend a shower, even if you are in the wedding party. Weddings trump showers. Move the date or not, there will be pleny of time for celebrating with the wedding party. If Mary wants them there she should move it but she may never find a date that can accomodate everyone. Regardless, it shouldn’t be used as a test of the friendship. I had bridesmaids in Buffalo and Albany, I had a shower at each location.I told my maids that they were NOT invited to the long distance showers – my friends would have travelled but going a few hundred miles for a shower is ridiculous. Especially when you consider all the other costs and time they were already devoting to my wedding.

The bride’s maids that live within driving distance can’t make it now?! That’s ridiculous.

I feel sorry for her that her local bride’s maids are so irresponsible.

I’d say only change if it the ones who can’t make it and are local pay any cost associated with changing the date. Although did anyone have to make plane reservations to attend? If so then definitely do not change the date.

Most of my bride’s maids were out of state so I didn’t expect them at my shower however, my best friend flew up for it. The one bride’s maid who lived in town “couldn’t make it” because she wanted to have a friend visit that weekend and bridal showers weren’t her thing.

Tell Mary, that it’s OK. Since the bridesmaids didn’t chip in monetarily or help plan it, they are not obligated to go to the shower. Also, they should no longer be obligated to be Mary’s bridesmaids. She can get new ones or go without the ones who deserted her.

My sister threw my shower. Our mother hosted it, because that was where we lived. We got away with it, etiquette wise, because my sister was my maid of honor.

We set the date to best accommodate everyone’s schedules, but it wasn’t perfect. But then, nothing is, so that’s okay. Two of my out of town bridesmaids and the flower girl could not come, and sent a gift. The other girls were there. My wishes were consulted per color scheme and so on, but mostly Mom and my sister ran the show and did a very nice job.

The same thing happened with our daughter’s bridal shower. Hosted by the matron of honor, she and a bridesmaid were the only attendants present. The others (two bridesmaids in VA & flower girl in Holland) sent gifts. The only things that were consulted on for this one was schedules and color scheme. It was lovely, one of the best I’ve ever attended. Etiquette was satisfied, everyone was happy.

Etiquette says someone else, but not a family member (unless that family member is also a bridesmaid) should be throwing Mary her shower. And it also says her bridesmaids should be doing all that is possible to not only attend it, but also to materially participate in throwing it for her. I also feel sorry for Mary, to be in such a predicament.

Mary should step back and let the bridesmaids handle this — it’s THEIR job to throw the shower. Throwing your own shower is poor etiquette, ’cause the point of a shower is to get presents, so you’re basically throwing a party for yourself to make people give you gifts. Give the bridesmaids a list of good dates if your schedule’s that tight, then just let go and wait for them to send you an invite.

Tradition dictates that the bridesmaids/Mother of the Bride are responsible for making the arrangements for the Bridal Shower and it is a SURPRISE to the bride. Clearly, Mary has bucked tradition, decided to take the bull by the horns Type-A style, and DIY the shindig. In light of that, the bridesmaids should be considered “guests” instead of “hosts” and therefore a decline to the invitation should be given no more consideration than a decline by any other “guest” invited to the event.

With the information given by the Reader, if I was Mary’s bridesmaid, I would feel snubbed by her making the arrangements – kinda like I’m not good enough to make them. At least that’s kinda how it comes across according to Reader’s words. If that’s not how it went down, Mary asked/inquired etc., then maybe I’d feel different.

I don’t know of any bride who planned her own shower. Just seems ridiculous to me.

With the information given by the Reader, if I was Mary’s bridesmaid, I would feel snubbed by her making the arrangements – kinda like I’m not good enough or she doesn’t trust me enough to do the shower the way she expects it to be done. At least that’s kinda how it comes across according to Reader’s words. If that’s not how it went down, Mary asked/inquired input from the bridesmaids etc., then maybe I’d feel differently.

I don’t know of any bride who planned her own shower. Just seems ridiculous to me.

It does seem a bit strange that Mary is planning the shower (or at least paying for the deposit). Maybe her in-town bridesmaid are very busy with work/family/etc? Planning for out of town bridemaids would definitely be difficult, but they can probably help with some aspects of the event.

In any case, I think changing the date of the shower is just dependant on how important it is to Mary that at least some of her bridesmaids be present. I think if they already have a wedding to attend, then they shouldn’t be expected to be at the shower rather than the wedding (wedding definitely trumps shower). If moving the date is feasible, and it’s important that some of her girls be there, then the date should be moved.

Just to provide some clarification: Mary is NOT planning or paying for her own shower, her family is. She picked the date because she lives out of town and it works well in terms of schedule and prices, and at the time, for everyone else. She is in NO way a bridezilla.

The question is: Are the bridesmaids expected to attend the shower, given that they had already said they could make it, or should Mary move the date? Or should Mary just deal with it, and no bridesmaids will be there?

I think a bunch of you missed a key part. No where in the ARA does it say that Mary planned her own shower. It states that she set the date, and confirmed it becuase MARY LIVES OUT OF TOWN. It is the only date she can be in town for her shower, so of course the date needs to be planned/arranged for by the bride.

The bridesmaids who live in town and confirmed the date, saying the date is good for them, should be ashamed. Tha’s the point of being part of a wedding and confirming that the date works for you. I think they need to keep better schedules, especially with today’s technology.

If she moves the date most likely someone else won’t be able to come either. If it were me I would leave the date as is.
And no, I would never decline to a wedding that I had already RSVPd for because I was invited to a shower.

If I were the bridesmaids that could not make it however I would schedule a special girls day (something simple like a long lunch or coffee and a movie) after the shower just for me and the bride.

Since we just heard from one of the “Bridesmaids” and she clarified some things for us…. I would say that the Bride should stay with the original date as everything else matched up, prices, schedule etc. Her family and a couple of other close friends can help pitch in on the day of the shower to help out. There is no way she will be able to please everyone trying to switch dates.

I am now more confused than I was before. Mary lives out of town, from where the shower will be held…and the bridesmaids who live in this said town aren’t coming? How did this poor planning ensue? Where is the maid of honor?

Also, I was under the impression that the bridesmaids agreed to this date prior to it being finalized, but now I’m not sure that’s the case, either. It really seems to me like the bridesmaids planned not going to this shower. More than one person forgot about this other wedding they had to go to? I find that really hard to believe.

So again I still say, no, don’t change the date and screw with everyone’s plans even more. More importantly it sounds like the bridesmaids don’t even want to be there, in which case, good riddance. Yes Reader, Mary should “deal with it” and be there with the people who WANT to be there with her.

One of the Bridesmaids/Reader, (#23) thank you for clarifying. The way your initial ARA email reads, it does make Mary look Bridezilla-ish and that she planned everything herself; there was no mention of her FAMILY making the arrangements – that is different and changes things. I even indicated that when I made my earlier commment. But I digress.

My initial advice would be that I don’t think the date should be changed – based on what Reader has said, the date works for Mary and her family, and she/they probably have shared the date with many of the guests so it might be like having egg-on-your-face and embarrassing to go back and tell everyone the date’s been changed.
However, when the shower is makes a difference too: if it’s later in the year (like next summer) it would be logistically easier to change the date than if it’s 2 or 3 months from now (considering that most people are focused on the holidays right now) but January/February are right around the corner. Again, we as readers don’t know that information so it’s hard to make a definitive yes/no.

I can’t help it that I made a different assumption than other people. Some people interpret words differently than others…

Once upon a time, weddings were fun…now they are a bureaucratic nightmare requiring a lawyer to sort things out. I mean, I had no idea about the Engagement Laws until yesterday! ha ha

If I were Mary, I’d just start with a clean slate. Dismiss ALL bridesmaids since they are all so busy/can’t drive that far/will be abducted by aliens that day/whatever, and find *one* person willing and able to handle being Maid of Honor. It’s easier to herd cats than it is a bunch of bridesmaids.

If Mary were to move the date of the shower and lose her deposit, will the bridesmaids reimburse her? I completely agree with #25 Ann I, “The bridesmaids who live in town and confirmed the date, saying the date is good for them, should be ashamed. Tha’s the point of being part of a wedding and confirming that the date works for you. I think they need to keep better schedules, especially with today’s technology.”

Back again – now that it has been clarified that Mary is an out of town bride and therefore had to pick a day to be in town for the shower she is NOT planning, I changed my mind. Stick to the date originally planned. Bridesmaids or not. Enjoy yourself and every wish for a happy marriage ahead

This “wedding issues” are always so darn tough…confusing, too! There have been many ARAs involving wedding problems with “heated” discussions.

I’m still confused on this one. The confusing fact: This was the only date that she (Mary) could do it since she lives out of town. Another way to say this same thing: Since Mary lives out of town, there is only one date on which she can have her shower. Makes no sense, right? Right. Just because you live out of town, doesn’t mean you can’t juggle your schedule, travel on a different day, etc.

Anyway, the problem is resolved (comment 32)so nothing else to say until the next ARA about weddings comes along.

Agree with bridesmaids’ last comment #32 – Tell Mary to please do just what makes her happy. No need to add undue stress to an already naturally stressful event. If that is the only date that works for her and she wants to have a shower, then have it. Unfortunately, we get too caught up with the commercial aspects of weddings and holidays, and forget the reason behind it all. I hope she picked her bridesmaids because they have been there for her time and again throughout her life and will be at her wedding – she can forgive this one.

Mary should go to the shower as planned. She should then meet with the local bridesmaids, calendar in hand, and discuss and confirm any other necessary dates.
The bridesmaids look a bit foolish here, since they confirmed and are now backing out, but there is no need to skip the other wedding since they are not the ones who planned the shower.
Some coffee or girl time would be a nice gesture though.

So, they told her they could be there, and then remembered they had another wedding to go to? How do you forget something like that? To me, it seems like Mary should not feel the need to move the date for them. They previously confirmed with her they were free, and it’s their own fault they forgot. If that’s the only date that works for her, then she should keep it that date and not feel guility about it. If it’s super important to her that her bridesmaids be at the shower, then she should find an alternative.

doodle-Traditionally hosting and/or planning a bridal shower was the maid or matron of honor’s responsiblity. The reasoning behind this was having a family member, such as the mother of the bride, could be looked upon as trying to garner gifts for the bride. This rule of etiquette for a wedding related celebration, like some others, has relaxed quite a bit.
I find it a bit surprising that a couple of the in town bridesmaids can’t make it because they have another wedding that day that they ‘forgot’ about?
The ARA states the wedding is next year? When? January, August, October? There are alot of weekends in a year. Only one of them is a good weekend for a shower? IDK, too many unanswered questions.
Ann-Your in town bridesmaid had a shaky rationale for not being able to attend your wedding shower. I don’t know how I would have reacted to “bridal showers weren’t her thing.”!

Big question. Is it even possible to change the date? and could other friends and family attend if the date was changed?

I was lucky. I had a friend here do a shower at her home for about 40 people. And my maid of honor did a smaller shower for me with family where she lived, which is where I grew up. So maybe the bridesmaids should throw her a smaller shower.Or a girls night and go out!