In which I am offered an adventure, and decline it.

I have returned to the fine city of Norwich, and am working through the thousands of emails that demand my attention. After all, all that Viagra isn’t going to order itself. This mail particularly amused me:

Dear Friend,

I write to seek your help and assistance in a project that would benefit us.

My name is John England from the hospitality state (Mississippi). I am an army contractor attached to the US Military force in Iraq for the sole purpose of reconstruction work in some parts of Iraq.

As you very well know, Iraq is gradually undergoing a rebuilding process in some parts and there is much need for reconstruction, which is why I came in. I evaluate the level of destruction and offer professional advice in line with the way they intend rebuilding.

Work has been so risky no doubt, and challenging as sometimes, we are faced head with armed insurgent where we lose some soldiers during confrontation. I have had my own share of losses as I lost a friend whom I have known for 12 years.

On the 30th day of september 2009, at about 1100hrs during a normal inspection routine along Haifa Street, where there is long thoroughfare of high-rise buildings which were built and occupied by the late Saddam Hussein while he was still alive. I, along with 3 soldiers proceeded to a marked site and as I commenced evaluation work while I was closely guarded by soldiers, I discovered an unusual bulge in a cellar, which I presumed to be a storage room and I decided to have a go at it, and discovered five (5) metal boxes piled on top one another which were locked with a padlock each. Upon forcing the boxes open, I discovered several guns, armor and amongst, two boxes contained bullets, one filled with hard drugs (heroine) and the other two to my amazement contained some US Dollars which amounted to $23.2M after I and two of the soldiers counted them for several hours. I believed that the boxes are owned or are linked to the Al Qaeda and Ayman al-Zawahiri.

However, I instructed the soldiers that went inside with me to keep this in high secrecy, so that we could have the money to our selves and they all agreed to the plan. We have hidden the two boxes that containing the US dollars in a safe and untraced location ready to get them out of this country and this is where you come in. I am now in desperate need of a “Reliable and Trustworthy” person like you who would receive, secure and protect these boxes containing the US Dollars for me till my assignment here elapses.

We cannot afford to leave the boxes here for any reason, since Iraq is getting unsafe and dangerous everyday despite how our president is handling issues here. We have no idea what could happen next as everything remains inconclusive at this point.

I am aware of what your thoughts would be next but don’t conclude that yet. I am not from any authority that would want to set you up just that I need your help and I assure you that this deal is 100% risk free and I promise to give you 10% of this fund, however feel free to negotiate what you wish to have as your percentage in this deal. Please, I want you to assure me that you are going to keeping this matter topmost secret within us. Please reply me on this email: edited@hotmail.com

I wait to hearing from you so urgent.

My Sincere Regards,
John England.

Wasn’t there a movie about US soldiers wandering around Iraq with stolen gold, involving George Clooney?

Judging from my inbox I am renowned about the globe as the go-to guy if you have some Nigerian gold, or Iraqi dollar stashes you need laundering. Also, I am so impotent that I must consume blue pills by the box. I am not sure why this would be, though I did used to be a playboy billionaire who would stalk the dark streets by night, striking fear into the hearts of criminals. Or that might have been George Clooney again. I always get us mixed up.

Anyways, Mr England, I may not have seen that Clooney Iraq movie, but I have seen Shallow Grave, and I know how this sort of thing ends. No thankyou. I suggest you use your fertile imagination, and write a Hollywood blockbuster instead of annoying emails. One with lots of fast cars, beautiful women, and explosions. Then we can talk.