Marlins Fans to Celebrate Opening Day 2012 on I-95

The Marlins will open their season in 2012 with a new stadium in Little Havana, meaning fans in Broward and Palm Beach counties who used to go to Dolphins Stadium will forget we have major-league baseball in South Florida.

Being a complete idiot of a baseball fan, I'll be there. Here's how it's sure to go:

4:30 p.m.: Just got on to I-95, and while traffic is jammed, I'm so pumped for the new Miami Marlins and [name of rookie being paid peanuts]!

5:12: Some dickwad from [northeastern state] just cut me off so hard that I'm now traveling in [somewhat paved section of roadway]. Still, go Miami Marlins!

6:18: Okay, I'm finally seeing the source of the backup, a truck spilling [name of toxic substance]. Clearly the cops don't know it's opening day or they wouldn't be diverting traffic to [horribly overcrowded neighborhood street].

7:10: Back on I-95. Woo hoo. Who do you suppose is singing the national anthem? Could it be [name of lame American Idol winner]? Yay, Marlins.

7:42: Might not have enough money to park afterward, but I'm going for the express lanes, baby! Wait, does that sign say the fee is [completely ludicrous amount]? But that beep of the SunPass means I'm that much closer to catching the third inning!

8:17: Traffic on the Dolphin Expressway is so [random curse] jammed that we appear to be traveling backwards.

8:52: Parking lots near the stadium are charging [amount equaling a mortgage payment], so I'm going to travel north into Overtown.

9:23: Homeless man just charged me [pricy dinner tab] to watch my car. I hope it's legal to park it in the middle of the [unkempt public property].

9:46: Wow, who saw that [inexplicable Florida weather phenomenon] coming? Good thing this new stadium is domed. Just [unwalkable distance] more blocks to walk!

10:32: Just in time to see [name of rookie being paid peanuts] being struck out in the bottom of the ninth. Out on the concourse, the view is so great that I could see my car get [bodily function] on by the tow truck driver. Hey, at least I won't have to drive home. Go fuck yourself, Marlins.