nothing in here is true

Wednesday, September 10, 2003

although yesterday i had some tom kha kai soup and if someone wanted me to do anything for them, including make out with their hideous stepsister, i woulda done it.

instead ben affleck and jennifer lopez called me up and asked me if the xbi could help them with their wedding this weekend in santa barbara.

and i said, for the right price we could help you with whatever you want.

they asked, could you kill all the paparazzi?

i said, the xbi doesn’t kill anyone.

they said, but

i said, you dont lipsync and we dont kill anyone.

they said, got it.

i said, here’s what you do, you tell everyone that you’re going to get hitched in santa barbara, get a bunch of people to drive up to santa barbara and get security and make it a super big fakeout. theyre all extras. get a jlo and benlo impersonator to get dressed up in a dress and a tux and stand under a tent on the cliffs with 100 people gathered around you. when i tell you to have security, get a LOT of security rent-a-cops.

they said why.

i said, cuz it will make it look real.

then i said, meanwhile, you get hitched up in Big Bear Lake. it’s close enough to LA that all the media that the news services and the paparazzi would use will be in Santa Barbara, but its far enough away from San Diego and Vegas and SF that no one can make a quick call and have someone up there fast. In fact the closest people who could get there will be in Santa Barbara.

then what you do is about a mile north of Ventura take three cars and park two of them side by side on the 101. theres only two lanes going in each direction on that stretch of the freeway. the third car will pick up the drivers of the abandoned two cars, and they drive away.

this will cause a traffic jam that will extend up to san luis obispo.

the ‘azzi in santa barbara wont even be able to get on the damn freeway, let alone get to Big Bear Lake.