The other night at a book event in Kansas, a woman asked me how I deal
with criticism about my work and about myself — particularly online
criticism. It's a question that comes up a lot, so I thought I would
take on the subject today, with the hopes that my words might help some
of you — no matter who you are, or what you are doing with your life.

The simplest answer for me, when people ask me how i deal with criticism is to say, "I don't."

I don't look at it, and I don't look for it.

I avoid criticism about myself not because I DON'T care what people say
about me, but because I DO care. I am sensitive and easily bruised. I
know that critical words can hurt me, and I am not in the business of
hurting myself on purpose.

There are major reviews that have
been written about my work in serious, important newspapers that I have
never even read. For instance: I know that I got a really bad review of
COMMITTED in the New York Times several years ago by the legendary
critic Janet Maslin, but I have absolutely no idea what she said about
me, and I have no intention of ever finding out. (If you want to Google
the review, go right ahead — but I sure won't!) People told me that the
review was bad (some of my kind friends warned me, and some of my
not-so-kind friends just sent me the link — thanks, pals!) In all
cases, I said, "Thanks for the info — see ya later!" and I turned my
head the other way, the same way I turn my head when I pass a car
accident on the road, or when the TV news is showing footage of a grisly
murder.

I will not put those words in my head. I will not put
those images in my head. To do so is an act of violence against myself,
and I do not commit acts of violence against myself anymore.

I
think it was the novelist John Updike who said that reading your own
reviews is like eating a sandwich that might have some broken glass in
it. I have nothing to gain by eating shards of broken glass. It doesn't
benefit me or anyone else to digest something that will cause internal
bleeding.

If the review is nice and kind, on the other hand
(and pre-screened by a loving family member) then I will read it.
Because guess what? It's really nice to hear people say nice things
about your work! And it's rare! So when it happens: Treat yourself!
Enjoy the nice review! Which is to say: when that same Janet Maslin
revewied THE SIGNATURE OF ALL THINGS in the New York Times and loved it,
I treated myself to her review, because there's nothing wrong with
treating yourself to a nice sandwich with no broken glass in it. Because
we all need to eat sometimes.

There are people who might say,
"But how can you keep yourself honest as an artist, if you only listen
to the good stuff, and don't pay attention to your negative critics?"

I say in return: "It is MY own job to stay honest as an artist; it is not the job of the critic to keep me honest."

The critic doesn't work for me; the critic works for the newspaper. The
critic has her own responsibility to keep herself honest, but she is
not required to help me out, or to be a midwife to my career, or to have
my best interests at heart. That is not the nature of our relationship.
I do not resent that critics exist; this is a natural part of the
creative landscape. But I do not listen to criticism from people who do
not have my best interests at heart, because it does not serve me or
make me a better person.

I DO listen to negative criticism about my work, however — but only from certain people, and only at a certain time.

The people who I listen to about my work are people who have earned the
right to offer me criticism. There aren't many of them, but they are
precious. They are a few of my closest and most trusted friends, family
members, and colleagues. Here is the test, to see if people are allowed
to criticize me:

1) Do I trust your opinion and your taste?

2) Do I trust that you will understand what I am trying to create, and therefore can help me to improve it?

3) Do I trust that you have my best interests at heart — that there is
no dark ulterior motive, and no hidden agenda in your criticism?

4) Do I trust that you can offer your criticism with a fundamental
spirit of gentleness, so that I can actually hear it without being
mortally wounded?

Gentleness is very important.

Because let's talk about "brutally honest". You know that friend of
yours who proudly advertises herself as "brutally honest"? Yeah, well I
know her, too. We all have a friend like that in our lives. Listen to
me, dear ones: NEVER let her see your work; never ask her opinion; never
show her your vulnerability. When somebody tells you that she is
brutally honest, what she is actually telling you is ,"I am brutal."
What she is communicating to you is this: "You can trust that I am
waiting for a chance to brutalize you. Now please give me an opportunity
to hurt you."

I don't volunteer to be brutalized. Again, I
don't hate myself that much. Brutal honesty is no virtue. Honesty
without kindness is not worth the price you pay for it. I can listen to
honesty, but only when it comes from a whole-hearted person, who is not
trying to draw blood.

As for WHEN I listen to criticism? I only
listen when there is still a chance to fix or change the work. After
the book is published, THERE IS NOTHING MORE I CAN DO ABOUT IT — so why
would I go digging for criticism after the book is already printed, and
it's too late?

The age of the Internet has made it easier than
ever for us to find out horrible things about ourselves. Anything we put
online or into the world is subject to attack, derision, insult. But
this doesn't make the Internet an evil place. (Look how kind we are to
each other on this Facebook page, for instance!) The Internet is also a
glorious playground, where you can put yourself out there in ways humans
have never been able to enjoy before. So enjoy that playground, and put
your work forward. But don't read the COMMENTS, you guys. Just don't.

And don't Google your name, unless you are looking for further self-injury.

Sometimes, of course, you can't avoid seeing
nasty things. Stuff pops up on Twitter and Facebook that is mean and
harsh. Block it, mute it, move on. Don't feed the trolls. Don't engage.
And never let the trolls stop you from using the miracle that is
Internet. You have a right to speak, and a right to put your work
forward, and a right to find your audience. Just keep putting yourself
out there, and then — whenever possible — turn your head away from the
reaction that may result.

Most of all, I beg you not to do this:

DO NOT put something out there into the world, and then go searching for an evil reaction to yourself or to your work.

DO NOT sit wide awake at 1am (usually with a pint of ice cream in your
hand) and start digging until you find a horrible response.

DO
NOT sit there all alone in a darkened room with the blue light of the
computer shining on your face, scrolling and scrolling and scrolling
through all the nice things people have to say about you (and ignoring
every single kind and generous and supportive comment) until — VOILA! —
you finally find what you were looking for. Don't go excavating until
you finally find that one wickedly cruel comment that proves what you
have always suspected in the darkest nightmare corner of your mind —
that yes, you are a fraud, you have no talent, you are fat and ugly and
worthless and pathetic.

DO NOT go digging, as I have seen my
friends do so many times. Because if you dig long enough, you will find
it. You will find the pain you were looking for.

Scrolling
through the COMMENTS about yourself is like reading your roommate's
diary: It's so tempting, because it's sitting right there! But if you
read long enough, eventually you will find something about yourself that
will break your heart. Don't do it. Put it down. Resist the temptation.
Show the self-discipline that is necessary for self-care. Walk away.

I've watched creative friends of mine do such harm to themselves and
their work, by digging through all the nutritional output about
themselves until they finally find the one shard of glass in the
sandwich, and then they take that shard of glass and cut themselves
deeply with it. Sometimes those wounds last forever. And then they
wonder why it's so hard to be creative again.

Meanwhile, the
asshole who wrote that nasty comment about you hit "send" on his evil
message, then turned his attention back to watching porn and drinking
beer and scratching his butt, and he never thought of you again...but
you have put his words into your mind forever. And when you sit down to
create the NEXT time, those words will still be echoing in your skull.
("You are talentless, you are worthless, you are garbage.")

I
refuse to do it. I refuse to hate myself that much. It's hard enough to
be creative, but I refuse to fill my creative space (my skull) with
cruel and taunting words that will just make it all the worse.

Refusing to read nasty things about myself is not denial; it is
AFFIRMATION. This is how I affirm my own life and my own creativity.
This is how I protect myself, because I am the only one who can protect
myself. This is how I keep the inside of my mind clean and fresh and
ready to play again.

I said it the other day, and I will say
it again: God gave me a soul to take care of, that soul is my own. I am
the only one who can keep that soul safe. I am the only one who can
protect my creativity so that my imagination can run and play freely in
the world.

I want you all to put yourselves out there in the
world — especially all you women! We need your voices, we need your
creativity, we need your courage, we need your output. But do understand
this: If you put yourself out there in the world, everyone has a right
to respond to you however they want to — that's the contract. They can
attack you, they can insult you, they can undermine you.

BUT YOU ARE NOT OBLIGED TO LISTEN TO THEM.

Turn your head from the violence. Find people to trust, and listen ONLY
to them. Once you put your work out there, your work is finished. Let
it go and walk away. Keep doing your work, keep putting yourself
forward, and then turn your head from the darkness.

Take care of yourself. Create freely. Share bravely. But never go digging for broken glass.

Copyright Notice

All posts and personal photographs are copyright 2009/10, 2011/12, 2013, Susan Eichhorn Young. All rights reserved. Content may not be reproduced in any fashion without written permission from the copyright holder.