Welcome

Welcome to the POZ Community Forums, a round-the-clock discussion area for people with HIV/AIDS, their friends/family/caregivers, and
others concerned about HIV/AIDS. Click on the links below to browse our various forums; scroll down for a glance at the most recent posts; or join in the
conversation yourself by registering on the left side of this page.

Privacy Warning: Please realize that these forums are open to all, and are fully searchable via Google and other search engines. If you are HIV positive
and disclose this in our forums, then it is almost the same thing as telling the whole world (or at least the World Wide Web). If this concerns you, then do not use a
username or avatar that are self-identifying in any way. We do not allow the deletion of anything you post in these forums, so think before you post.

The information shared in these forums, by moderators and members, is designed to complement, not replace, the relationship between an individual and his/her own
physician.

All members of these forums are, by default, not considered to be licensed medical providers. If otherwise, users must clearly define themselves as such.

Forums members must behave at all times with respect and honesty. Posting guidelines, including time-out and banning policies, have been established by the moderators
of these forums. Click here for “Am I Infected?” posting guidelines. Click here for posting guidelines pertaining to all other POZ community forums.

We ask all forums members to provide references for health/medical/scientific information they provide, when it is not a personal experience being discussed. Please
provide hyperlinks with full URLs or full citations of published works not available via the Internet. Additionally, all forums members must post information which are
true and correct to their knowledge.

Author
Topic: Note to self (Read 4642 times)

Danny you're a fucking idiot. You're being played. You're becoming emotionally involved when you're being used. You saw the messages... You saw him rush out before 2:45. Yes he still kissed you before he left... He's got a bitch during the day and one at night. You're just a bitch... The am one... Danny you're better than that or are you.... Wow. Just wow... We'll think about it in the am....

What the fuck is his problem... What the fuck is my problem... I know what my damned problem is. Ugh... If I had an ounce of self worth, I wouldn't just ignore this...

You're not ignoring it, if you're up and writing this. You do realize you have self-worth, or you wouldn't care. But you do care.

Go to sleep and think it over (or stay up and watch a horror flick). When you feel better, (and are less emotional about what he did), give him a call or drop him an email and try to explain to him, as unemotional as you can, that you deserve better. Cause you do.

YES you're better than that, instincts don't lie. as hermie said, what's happening here is a learning process which YOU have FULL CONTROL of (and no, that doesn't mean you control his feelings and/or behavior - that's stressful manipulation which fails miserably, always)

so - as cliff said, be up front - it's one of the best ways to respect yourself

What??!! You're the other man for a dude on the down low? Is that what I'm reading? Well done, sweetie! Hermie's right, and being sweet you obviously have the sweets he wants! Just remember, YOU hold the keys to the candy shop, and YOU decide who gets in and who doesn't. If you think he's just window shopping, then it's time for you to make the hard sell--or tell him to move along. He's had his free samples. Ok enough with the retail metaphors, I just don't like you feeling hurt. if you let him go, it might hurt a little more but you will get over it. I had to do the same thing earlier this year--twice. And you know what? Not only am I glad I did it, but one of the horndogs is sniffing my butt again via the telephone these days!

I'm so sorry you are experiencing this, because evaluating our self-esteem is possibly one of the most difficult things you will have to do. But do it you must, for one very simple reason: you. That's because self-worth is what helps to guide you and protect you. It's what helps to support you during moments of doubt or when you question your own actions or intent. It's a feeling inside that essentially tells you, that no matter what shit has hit the fan, you are still OK and while it may be difficult, you will survive and hopefully learn from it.

The hardest part of this is the only one who can give you self-esteem is you. But right now, it's not a lack of self-worth that you lament so much, as this loss. Give it some time and try to avoid making any major decisions, when you are in crisis mode. You have time to address this, so take it and do what is right for Danny.

You also seem to be missing the point of how much people here care about you. If you had no self-worth, then you would also be worthless to us, when that is far from the truth. You need to take some time and look at who you are and why you feel uncomfortable. Don't hurry to label yourself, rather take the time and take stock of yourself and I'll bet that you have much more going for you, than you give yourself credit for and that's another drawback to a lack of self-worth, in that you don't always see your own reality clearly.

I think it takes a pretty special person and someone with intestinal fortitude to share events like this one. Asking for help is hard and to me it says that you do have worth and so much so, that you are willing to work on it and are asking your friends for help. Doesn't sound very worthless to me.

Only three men have made me cry: two ex-boyfriends and one ex-friend (who said that I had glamorized HIV and the fact that I tested positive "proves" that I was an unconscious bug-chaser). And they're out of my life. It was hard to do, I'm not an up-and-run kinda guy, when I fall for someone, romantically or otherwise, I fall hard. But it was the only way I knew how to stop the tears. And hell, I am SO glad I am not crying over those three boys any more.

Enough about me. Danny, if you're a fucking idiot, you're in good (or at least numerous) company: we're all fucking idiots when it comes to that much-mentioned brilliance (that's one poet's version; another called it a vulgar complaint), love. Who hasn't fucked up when it comes to needing someone? Who hasn't irrationally held on to someone or something even when they've known that it's time to move on? Who hasn't cried over love (and lust)?

So: stop beating yourself up. Easier said than done, I know; but it can be done. You'll feel so much better when you stop blaming/bruising yourself. Obviously this is not to say that you're not responsible for decisions you've made or will make. But the self-blame game isn't gonna make any future decisions easier. (I'm trying not to sound preachy; if I am sounding that way, feel free to send me unlimited flames.) You're human, you're vulnerable to pesky things like emotions (I wish I were a Vulcan, but only sometimes). And that's the name of that tune.

Jay

Logged

Her finely-touched spirit had still its fine issues, though they were not widely visible. Her full nature, like that river of which Cyrus broke the strength, spent itself in channels which had no great name on the earth. But the effect of her being on those around her was incalculably diffusive: for the growing good of the world is partly dependent on unhistoric acts; and that things are not so ill with you and me as they might have been, is half owing to the number who lived faithfully a hidden life, and rest in unvisited tombs.

You are far from an idiot... you're just human.. and that's ok! And you are worth far more than you realize or give yourself credit for. You'll get through this because you are strong and we all love you.

The hardest part of this is the only one who can give you self-esteem is you.

Well put. And this is often the hardest realization.Of course, we are not islands and we do esteem ourselves with our choice of friends and lovers. But they can't do or be everything for us. And, yes, it's difficult being the one who loves more.

There is one thing that might help you here, as it has helped me. Put yourself in his shoes: if you were him, and you saw another guy (eg yourself, or anyone he might have piqued interest in) chasing you, what would you do? Likely run. ....so you have to let him alone. It's hard but you must. Move on. (I am personally having difficulty doing this at the moment, but I am not chasing the guy, and never once contacted him since he dumped me.) It will tell him at the very least (if he at all thinks on it) that you will not be played, that you are a person who is independent and has self-worth. If he recognizes that, great. But it won't necessarily bring him around.