The Best and Worst of NBA All-Star 2013

It wasn’t until a few weeks ago that I realized I’d unwittingly become an NBA All-Star Weekend expert. Going to 11 of the 13 All-Star Games will do that to you, I suppose. All-Star is about basketball, but it’s really the biggest industry convention for people who cover the NBA. And with so many media and players and agents and celebrities gathered in one place, plenty of things are bound to happen. And so here is my report from Houston, site of All-Star 2013...

BEST ALL-STAR PARTY

As important as the actual basketball is, the party scene is even more vital. On Friday night, I snagged an invite to Michael Jordan’s 50th birthday party, thrown by Jordan Brand. The party was hush-hush enough that I never even got an actual invitation to the event--I found out about it through a series of phone conversations and text messages. When I turned up at the door, my name was on the list. Whew.

The MJ50 party was held at the The Museum of Fine Arts in Houston; local media reported it cost $100K to rent out the joint. The guest list was tight, maybe 400 people, but it included a lot of ballers. Some that I saw with my own eyes: Michael Jordan, LeBron James, Kobe Bryant, Jay-Z, Beyoncé, Russell Westbrook, Carmelo Anthony, Tyson Chandler, Blake Griffin, Charles Oakley, John Starks, Mike Woodson, and Dikembe Mutombo. I’m sure there were more, but just as I was making a loop through the room to work on my people-spotting, the lights went down and R. Kelly took the stage. You kind of forget how many hits he’s had, until you hear him, backed by a full band, run through everything from "I Believe I Can Fly" to "Ignition (Remix)." I was kind of hoping that the encore would be a live performance all 347 parts of "Trapped In The Closet," but this was not to be. By the way, posted up directly in front of the stage was Antoine Walker, who mouthed along with every single word to every single song.

BEST LIVE TV PRANK OF ALL-STAR WEEKEND

I appear each Tuesday on NBA TV’s "The Jump," alongside Brent "Bones" Barry, Dennis "3D" Scott, and Jared Greenberg. We did a live broadcast on Friday evening from the NBA’s Jam Session, an interactive experience for fans set up in Houston’s George R. Brown Convention Center. Brent drove over to Houston from San Antonio, and he brought with him his 1996 Dunk Contest trophy. Because Bones is Bones, since winning the trophy he has had it customized: He took it to a trophy shop and had the metal ball atop the wooden block split in two, so it can be opened and closed, like the world’s most exclusive snack bowl.

For our live show on Friday, NBA legend Karl "The Mailman" Malone joined us for the hour. Before Karl arrived on set, we filled Brent’s trophy with Doritos and Sun Chips, and then, once we were live on air, asked Karl if he could grab us something to eat. He didn’t know what was happening, but he did as he was asked and grabbed the top off the trophy, leading to a wonderful moment where a fully perpled Mailman delivered us snacks in a dunk contest trophy.

Early on Friday, before Jam Session was actually open, I was in the upper level of the Convention Center heading to the NBA TV production office, when I spotted Benny the Bull calmly strolling along in full costume. Actually, this is probably the best security credential you can have.

The Rising Stars Challenge has a lot going for it: playing in the big arena; all the League’s best young players; Charles Barkley and Shaquille O’Neal drafting the teams. But if you thought the actual All-Star Game was lacking in defensive intensity, this game made the ASG appear as though Coach K and Bob Knight were coaching it. The few pops of drama came from the players trying to embarrass each other, but by the end of the game everyone was just clearing out and letting each other try alley-oops and dunks. And the loudest cheer of the evening probably came with a minute left when the fans wanted local fave Chandler Parsons to be allowed a chance to dunk. How to repair it? My best idea is to incorporate some wrinkles from MTV’s old Rock N’ Jock basketball game. Fans wouldn’t be into stuff like a 50-point basket dropping from the sky with 4 minutes left in each half? Better yet, combine this game with the celebrity game and let Kevin Hart and Usain Bolt get their shots swatted into the stands.

BEST PERFORMANCE IN THE WORST BASKETBALL EVENT

And of course the guy with unstoppable motor would dominate in a game where nobody seemed to be trying very hard. Denver’s Kenneth Faried played 22 minutes, shot 18-22, grabbed 10 rebounds (7 offensive), and finished with 40 points.

BEST BASKETBALL MOVES OF THE WEEKEND

It came in the Rising Stars game, so it may have been overlooked, but poor Brandon Knight had his ankles broken by Kyrie Irving not once, but twice. (The reaction from Faried and Ricky Rubio is terrific.)

WORST ONE-ON-ONE MATCH-UP OF THE WEEKEND

On Sunday morning, Jordan Brand rented out the gym of a local YMCA and hosted their annual open run. They invite media members, a few celebrities who like to play, and some local kids out for a morning of hoops. I played basketball seven days a week from the age of about 7 until I was in my early twenties, and then I down-shifted to two or three times a week for a few years, and eventually just stopped playing altogether. What do I have to show for the tens of thousands of hours I put in balling? A vast knowledge of how the game works, a pair of arthritic knees, and a bad back.

I formerly played basketball at a relatively high level--I played two years of high school varsity hoops; we were ranked nationally and went a combined 45-9; although to be fair, my contributions were mostly made on the practice court. But basketball isn’t riding a bike, and I can’t step onto the court these days and play the way I did. Today when I play basketball I try to be a glue guy, the dude who makes the correct passes, who sags and help on defense, who sets tough back screens, who understands positioning and astutely limits his deficiencies by not getting myself in a position to fail. Or at least fail too spectacularly.

So after my team won our first pickup game, a new team took the floor to challenge us. I matched up against a dude about my height, 6-1, though this guy was probably 6-3 with the afro. When you play pick-ups hoops against people you do not know, you usually pick the man you’ll defend just based on height, at least until after a few possessions when you suss out their strengths and weaknesses. On one of their first possessions, the opposing team came down and swung it around to my man. I stayed a few steps off him to discourage any drives, at least until he proved he could hit a jumper. And he immediately hit a jumper, a long three. The next time down, they swung it to him again. This time I closed out on him in a hurry, and he still rose and fired, and drained it again.

My team came back on offense, and my teammates, apparently finding this burgeoning rivalry amusing, passed me the ball and cleared out to go one-on-one against this guy. I dribbled twice and, feeling no need to prove myself, passed the ball back to my point guard. He immediately threw the ball back to me and took a few steps away, leaving me on an island.

I dribbled twice and my defender took a step back. Seeing my opening, I crossed from my left hand to my right, my shooting hand, and went up for the shot. Just as my feet left the ground, I realized I was squaring off against the rapper Trinidad James, he of the "All Gold Everything" fame--I did not recognize him, since he had de-blinged nearly completely (though he was still wearing a gigantic gold hoop earring).

The shot I took was approximately a 22-footer. The shot I released was approximately a 24-footer. As it banged off the far side of the backboard, I collapsed to the floor, embarrassed and laughing. James, to his credit, came over and helped me up, and we laughed it out.

BEST ONE-ON-ONE MATCH-UP

Going into the actual All-Star Game on Sunday, I suspected Kobe would have one of those games where he came out firing early and often. Instead, he mostly played facilitator and seemed happy to move the ball. But with about 6 minutes to go in the game, with victory still within reach for the Eastern Conference team, Kobe turned into the Black Mamba. He picked up LeBron full court, and had two big blocks against LeBron, including one with under a minute to go that really seemed to ice the game for the West.

BEST AND WORST ALL-AROUND ALL-STAR WEEKEND STORY

So this guy I know--who is not a media member--was in Houston for the weekend, and he managed to score a pair of tickets for Sunday night’s All-Star Game. He went to an All-Star party and started talking to one of the girls who was working as a hostess. She was cute, they hit it off, so he asked if she’d like to join him at the All-Star Game with his spare ticket. He explained that these weren’t the best seats, but they were seats nonetheless and they’d have the chance to continue their conversation, which seemed to be going well. She accepted his invitation.

On game night, when it was almost time for him to go and pick her up, he gets a text that she’s running late and that she can just meet him at the arena. He goes and waits outside the Toyota Center, and eventually she texts to say she is just leaving work and will be there as soon as possible, and to just leave her ticket at Will Call. He leaves the ticket and goes on inside the stadium.

Once inside, this guy runs into someone he knows who is watching the game from a suite, and he gets an invite to watch from the suite. Since he’s still waiting on the girl, he goes into the suite and grabs a drink and peers out onto the court. And there, just a few feet down from him, he notices an NBA player sitting there WITH THE GIRL. He sends her a text saying he sees her there with the player, and he watches as she picks up her phone, calmly reads the text, and then just sets the phone back down.

Welcome to All-Star Weekend.

Lang Whitaker is GQ’s NBA blogger as well as the editor-at-large at SLAM Magazine and a regular contributor to NBA TV. Follow him on Twitter @langwhitaker.

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