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These forums are a place where you can ask other young people advice on dealing with tough times and share your advice on what has worked for you. Please remember that it does not replace professional advice.

Topic:
Long distance relationship with depressed partner

My boyfriend and I we know each other for 3,5 years. We started of as colleagues at work over the last 10 month a friendship grew. At for now 2 month we are in a relationship. He works and lives now 4 hours away, which means we only see each other on weekends and sometimes just every second weekend. All this is fine as we knew what we head into right at the beginning.

I always knew that he suffers from depressions and that he is on medication and also saw a psychologist. However last week he told me he went off his medication for about 5 month now, which I didn’t know. But he said he feels good and not stressed anymore so he stopped taking them. Last week he got told by his boss that he won’t have a job with them after Easter. I first thought he took it really well and stayed positive and looked for new jobs. He even talked about moving closer again. That happened on the Monday, since Tuesday he has changed. He barely talks, he seems really tired, doesn’t want to know about anything. He is t showing the same affection anymore, he is trying to get me to make other plans for the weekends where we had planes to see each other. And he told me he started drinking again (1carton beer in 3days) over the last 10 month he didn’t drink at all.

I‘m at a point where I don’t know what to do or how to help. I don’t know what i can say and what not. Can I say I miss him? Or puts that more pressure on him? Should I give him the space he needs? If I ask if everything is ok or if he wants to talk I always get short answers like no all good.

I have never been with a partner that had depression. And the fact that we only see each other on the weekends doesn’t help at all. I thought about writing him a letter to let him know how I feel about him and about all the things I love about him and how they make me feel.

I love him but I’m unsure about his feelings at the moment as he seems to push me away and I don’t want to annoy him or pressure him in any way.

I appreciate any advise as I‘m really unsure about the situation at the moment as i have never experienced it before. Thank you

I'd like to join TonyWK in welcoming oyu here. You are in a worrying and puzzling situation with no clear road-map of what to do. So coming here was a pretty good idea. This problem happens a fair bit, though the distance in your case does make things a little harder.

It's unfortunate your BF decided to stop his meds 5 months ago. Mind you he is not alone, an awful lot of people start to feel good, and think the need for medication is over -sadly not the case.

I guess the single most important thing you can do for him is get him back under medical treatment. Obviously the strain of job-loss had set him back a lot, and the alcohol is not helping either.

If you are not able to talk him into going is there someone else who might be able to persuade him -a family member or friend perhaps?

As for what to say, you can ask him, he may have some idea (I did not) or try to find things you both enjoy. For me the most important thing was I believed my partner was going to remain there for me, no matter how long it took, and that gave me a security I needed.

The best thing is listening - and not trying to 'fix' it all, no matter how big the temptation. To do so does create pressure

As Tony says he may need you more than you imagine.

Now, we have talked about your BF, but what about you? All the constant worry, frustration and uncertainty can leave you pretty wrung out. Do you have family or friends to support you at the moment? It makes a big difference not to try to keep on going in isolation. All sorts of negative thoughts crowd in when alone.