Search This Blog

Solving the autorickshaw problem

… because let’s face it. India would be a better country without these.

-

If you have stayed in an Indian
metropolis, and been one of the teeming millions of citizens who
commute to work daily, and if you had possessed an ounce of common
sense while at it, you would have realised that the root of all
traffic problems in India is a blithering yellow and black
contraption, otherwise known as an autorickshaw.

The mere sight of one of these medieval torture devices is enough to get my blood to boil. But what riles me me the most about them, is how their drivers wreak havoc in the country in the name of public convenience, while being under the false assumption that public roads are their’s and unquestionably their’s for the taking.

Therefore, they break every
single traffic rule in the country, destroy the environment with
black smoke and noise, kill everything from puppies to little babies
and if you, even for once, attempt to reprimand them for their crimes against humanity, they threaten
to drive over your shoes and feed your now severed toes to the
roaches in their attics.

Now that I'm in
Hyderabad, I too, have become party to this madness. Every day, I get
aboard one of these rattly little tea-kettles, hold on for dear life
while the driver puts on the world's worst songs on the world's worst
music system, at the world's highest volume, and then proceeds to
systematically decimate all the goodness in and around the
neighbourhood.

So, during the long
hours that I spend contemplating about everything in the world, I've
been ruminating about ways to get rid of this threat, and I think
I've struck upon an idea that is sheer genius.

Before
that, let's face the harsh reality: that auto-rickshaws cannot be
banned. Why? Because, auto-drivers, the only community
of Indian citizens who benefit out of this business, happen to form a
sizable chunk of the general populace – which only means one thing
to the people who make rules in our country – viz. vote banks. So
if one rare and clairvoyant Member of the Parliament were to make as
much of a suggestion in this regard, every other person in house
would glare at him, instantly turning him to ashes. If he did turn to
ashes, well and good. If he decided to argue back, the country would
have had it: a third MP would raise his voice, followed by a fourth,
and then a fifth ... finally, everything would blow out of
proportion, the Lok Sabha would be adjourned, the government would
declare a national emergency – and we, the ordinary citizens would
have to form long queues outside rationed kerosene stores the next
morning.

Yes,
India is a funny country.

So,
let's get to the next-best solution – because banning auto-rickshaws, is simply infeasible.

The next best idea
that I could think of, doesn't require the government to do a thing,
so it's instantly more efficient than the other one. This idea, stems
from a certain observation that I've made regarding auto-rickshaws –
and that is their incredible maneuverability. They have a turning
radius of ... what, 2 meters? Which means, that they will steer left,
then right, then turn around and go against the traffic, just because
they bloody can. Because their confounded machines can do all that in
the limited space that Indian roads provide. They don't stop at
traffic lights as other motorists do; they dodge around exasperated
drivers, travel perpendicular to the flow of traffic ... like
pedestrians at a zebra crossing, duck under rear view mirrors of
nearby cars, and finally find the tightest empty space between two
buses, and go right in, and halt. That too, not because the light is
red, but because going another inch forward would crush their beloved
vehicles beyond recognition. Which happens, yes, but then in India, people don't learn, do they?

So my proposal to
get rid of this nuisance, is to the companies who make auto-rickshaws
– and the only name that comes to mind is Bajaj Auto.

Yes, Bajaj
have done a lot to ensure that the stuff that come out of their
auto-making plants is ecologically friendlier than what they used to be a
decade back (I refer to the shift to CNG/LPG) but it's high time they
realised that in spite of technological advancements, their products
continue to be weapons of mass destruction – and are the number one
cause of depression, inner turmoil and severed toes around the
country.

My suggestion is
thus, a simple engineering feature – reduce the auto's
maneuverability. Make them heavy. Make them less powerful – yes,
even less powerful than the single digit BHP output they have today.
Restrain the movement of the handle bars, so that auto-drivers learn
to corner like other motorists, and not make a stationary right turn
to fill the only remaining gap in the road. This plan, unlike the
previous one is certainly more efficient because the government has absolutely nothing to do about it. Moreover, it's very easy to implement
– even the worst mechanical engineers can attach a simple elastic
rubber band to the handlebar to keep it from being turned too much. And if adding a lot of weight is a difficult thing, just glue a bunch
of bricks to the back of the machine. And presto! You have the new
avatar of the the infamous autorickshaw – heavier, slower, and far
less maneuverable than its predecessor.