There’s a New Era baseball cap store in Berlin. I’ve got more than enough caps already (36), but I wasn’t wearing one on Monday, and I caught a glimpse of my shit hair in a shop window, so I walked into the New Era store, telling myself that I’d just have a quick look. But it was way too easy to convince myself that I should buy a new one. A New York Yankees 59FIFTY On-Field cap. Because, even though I’ve got four other Yankee caps, the only one I have with me (the others are either in a suitcase at my Mum’s house or in a box in Bellingham waiting to be shipped to Berlin) is the one with the commemorative 2009 Inaugural Stadium patch on the back, and I quite fancied a regular one.

Anyway, I motion to the wall of 59FIFTY On-Field caps, and ask the guy for a Yankee cap, size seiben und… and my mind couldn’t find how to say “five-eighths” in German (yes, I know: big head). He prompted me, “In English?” I told him my size. He opened the magic wall, and inside were shelves of different sized caps. And then he said, “You want it in this colour?” in a way that inferred that I could get something way more exciting than the blue-with-white-logo cap.

“Of course,” I said. As he walked back to the counter, a monologue continued in my head. Of course I want the On-Field cap; do I really look like the sort of person who would want to propagate this absurd fashion cap trend with red Yankee caps, multi-coloured Yankee caps, and, God help us all, camo Yankee caps. Of course I want the dark blue cap, you fool; this is a New York Yankees baseball cap, something to be proud of, not just a piece of tat to plop on my head to complete a “look.” And while I’m here, that two-tone grey Giants cap you’re wearing is wrong. It should be black with an orange logo. And you can take the sticker off the bill, you juvenile doofus.