Tuesday, August 25, 2009

After interviewing a dead guy last time, I thought it was only appropriate to interview a guy that we all wished was dead. Brett Favre is back ladies and gents, and Mr. Ace got the first interview with him as a Viking.

ME: Well hello Mr. Favre. So good to talk to you.Brett Favre: Great to hear from you as well Mr. Ace. And you don't have to call me Mr. Favre.ME: Oh, I wasn't planning on it. How about fuckface? Or maybe ass viking?BF: How about we just stick with Brett, Ace.ME: Can I just call you hillbilly? And call me Mr. Ace please.BF: No.ME: Fine. Pussy.

ME: I don't know if you know this or not, but I called that you would be coming back as a Viking way back in February...ya know, when you retired. What the fuck is the point of retiring after every season? Do you get better benefits if you retire more than once?BF: I'm just an attention whore, I have no other way to explain it. When those cameras are all over me I get a little hard on.ME: By "hard on" do you mean your vagina gets all warm and sticky?BF: No, I mean an erection.ME: You sick fuck. So you have been putting us through off-season hell the last three years because you have a camera fetish? Why don't you just go to Bestbuy and beat off all over their Canon display?BF: I've been banned from Bestbuy.ME: Even better, why don't you go to Wal-Mart and get your fix and then clean it up with a handful of Wranglers?BF: I'm done talking about this.

ME: Okay. How fucked up did you and Koren Robinson used to get when you were teammates?BF: What do you mean? We all had good times together.ME: Don't play stupid with me. Koren has single handedly kept Steel Reserve in business and you pop Percocet like skittles. I find it hard to believe that you guys weren't sitting in the back of the film room getting blitzed.BF: Oh, that. I didn't play a single game sober in 2007. Remember the playoff game against the Giants that season?ME: Yeah, you through about seven interceptions and lost the game for your team.BF: Yup, that's the one. Well Koren and I tried a new concoction that day...it turns out that the best way to get all railed is to intake the drugs through your anus. Koren mixed up a tasty blend of vicatin, oxycodene and booze and shot it straight up my ass. I don't even remember that entire week.ME: Good thing, because you were fucking terrible.BF: So I've been told.

ME: Why do you refer to Brad Childress as "Chilly?" That is incredibly faggish.BF: That's what he told me to call him, seriously. The first time I talked to the guy he said, "You can call me Chilly, unless you want to warm me up."ME: So did you?BF: Did I what?ME: Did you warm him up?BF: Well, sort of. He seemed to be really desperate and he had a camera with him. He made me dress up as Andy Reid and rub mayonnaise all over him.ME: I knew it! I fucking knew it.BF: Huh?ME: I knew you had to do something other than be a terrible quarterback to get the contract you did. No way they paid you $12 mil just to throw 30 INT's.BF: I'm a hall of famer, I deserve that contract.ME: You're a bum, and deserve a kick in the dick.

ME: So be honest with me, you're really only coming back so you can stick it to the Packers, right?

BF: No, I know I can still play and Minnesota is the best fit for me.

ME: So you're telling me that you never thought about rolling into Lambeau on a trusty steed and then rifling a ball up into the press box and breaking Ted Thompson's face, just like Jimmy Dix in The Last Boy Scout?

BF: Not a day goes by when I don't think about stomping that man's scrotum.

ME: So you are just coming back to stick it to the Packers. I knew you weren't dumb enough to think you could still play. You're just taking a franchise hostage so you can get your petty revenge. You rascal.

BF: I can still play and I will prove it on the field.

ME: I hope A.J. Hawk sacks you and eats your intestines.

BF: You're a real ass hole.

ME: You looked really good in your preseason performance Friday night, missing training camp really paid off for you.BF: I'm still a little rusty, but I was happy with my performance.ME: Are you fucking kidding me? You went 1-4 for 4 yards. A quadriplegic could have put up better numbers.BF: I'm going to be 40 soon, I'm just happy I didn't break a hip or shit my pants.ME: Well then, great success.

ME: Last question. So I hear you have a thing for chicks with fake tits, is that true?