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Wednesday, December 31, 2008

OK, judging by my Stat Counter, there are still thousands of you who don't know how to use a search engine. But fear not, class. I'm here to give you a brief tutorial on using a search engine like Google. :::putting on my teacher's hat:::

Please, pay attention. Listen closely. Grab a pen and some paper. Take notes.

LESSON ONE: Learn how to spellIf you want to get the most out of Google, you really should have a clue how to spell. If you can't spell, USE A DICTIONARY OR SPELL CHECK, for crying out loud. Let's take a look at some examples of actual search phrases I found on my Stat Counter that contain misspelled words, shall we?

roast resipeI'm not sure, but I'm guessing they were looking for a recipe.

mr clean magic reasuresYes, Mr. Clean makes Magic Erasers and Mr. Clean also reassures you that it's ok if the kids colored on the wall.

wahat to do for sour feet from walkingClearly, this person misspelled the word "what". But, I'm curious; do you really think they have sour feet? Or perhaps they have sore feet?

Now, I'm sure these people were looking for something entirely different, but their misspelled words brought them to my blog. Too bad for them.

LESSON TWO: Google is not a Magic 8 Ball. Repeat after me. "Google is not a Magic 8 Ball. It cannot give me advice. It cannot tell me what to do. It cannot solve my problems. It is a search engine. Not Magic 8 Ball. Search engine."These are the kinds of phrases that do not belong in a Google search:

what is fun stuff that'll make me happy?Reply hazy, try again

how to make mom say yes to picking sister up early?Outlook not so good

should I remove the dead animal smell from my 8 year old son's backpack?My sources say no

what do I do if I was walking around and now my feet hurt?Concentrate and ask again

If my license is suspended when do you have till you have to retake driving test in new York?Cannot predict now

is it a Myth pinching your nose to alleviate the stubbing your toe pain in your toe?Signs point to yes

will slimming tea make me poop grease?Without a doubt

My tooth is super lose and its dangling by 1 gum what do I do?Ask again later

my son flushed a squirt gun down the toilet and now it is clogged what should i do?LEARN TO USE GOOGLE PROPERLY!

LESSON THREE: The random statement. Google is not your diary. You do not need to type miscellaneous random sentences into the search engine for no particular purpose. Call up a friend, join a chat room or message board, or talk to your spouse and tell them your news instead. These kinds of statements do not belong in a Google search:

i love camping because there's no schedule Oh yeah, "love" and "camping" belong in the same sentence. Not.

my daughter has little ponytailsMine too!

talking with my mom is hilarious Umm yeah, "hilarious". That's the word I was looking for.

i still can't hear after my ear infection What? (BAAAA! I just crack myself up. That one never gets old!)

my 2 year old son stuck a macaroni noodle up his noseOh good! I thought you were going to say a fusilli noodle which would just be plain silly.

my husband didn't buy me a birthday presentIt could be worse; he could've gotten you a present at the gas station on the way home from work.

my 13 year old son is moody and poutsYour point is...?

At the age of 10, my entire fifth grade class went to a soup kitchen, a non-profit organization helping feel homeless people five days a weekGood for you!

LESSON FOUR: Another way that some people use Google is to see if they can end up in one of my Google posts. Some people think it makes them famous to wind up featured here. For example:

would you like some buttpaste mom2my6packNo thank you. I haven't been experiencing any chafing lately.

So what I like a tooth go for because I said so dawn rocks!I'm not sure what language this is, but ok. Ummm thanks?

Can I send you hate me because I said soUhhh sure? Just don't send me hate mail, please.

I forgot that wearing pants clogs because I said soYes, I forget that sometimes too.

Im a mean mom becuase I said juicebutts poop on batsLOL!!! You said, "juicebutt"! LOL!

Why does bat poop lead to dawn’s blog?Because you people keep Googling it!

LESSON FIVE: Do not use Google while under the influence. AKA: Friends don't let friends Google drunk. When you use Google after drinking heavily, your searches show up in people's Stat Counters and they WILL make fun of you. For example:

mooo-oom he’s proud of peeing on a black eye boobI don't even want to know.

Socks on her handsglamour pills sidewaysHave another drink, my friend.

People google some seriously bizarre stuff. My browser has a drop down in the google search box that shows popular other searches starting with the same words as what I'm typing. Some of the suggested searches are actually rather disturbing.

So "bat poop" and "butt paste" lead the masses to your blog...? Well, at least you can rest assured that you are helping the people truly down-and-out...! ;)

On a completely separate note, I had to laugh, when at Target, I found a singing toy from Yo Gabba Gabba... which sung "There's A Party In My Tummy" and I immediately though of you (that's my all-time favorite post, personally - followed by "the difference between your first kit and your 6th on Christmas"...!)

Thanks for helping me start the New Year off with a chuckle. I too love the "At the age of 10, my entire fifth grade class went to a soup kitchen, a non-profit organization helping feel homeless people five days a week" - I guess, if you can't feed them, feel them!

Dawn, you made my night...again! I'd like your permission to copy this post and share the wisdom on in a myspace blog post - letting everyone know, of course, that this wisdom and laughter was found on your blog =)