November 29, 2010

I was talking with a client who is taking that long, long walk away from her abusive husband and into freedom.

And, yes, it feels like a frustrating journey that never reaches its destination because every step feels like a ‘baby step’ - and baby steps seem so small, and insignificant, when there is such a mountain to scale…

But they are not.

Never underestimate the power in those baby steps.

My client is at the stage of asking hard questions and looking for answers. One of the questions she asked is: “Why doesn’t he care about my feelings?”

It’s a reasonable question – from the point of view of the abused woman.

She does everything she can to love and support her man, and you might think he would appreciate this…

But abusive men don’t appreciate what you do.

They expect it, sure, but they don’t appreciate it.

Of course, that is a violation of everything you are led to expect: generally speaking, one good turn deserves another.

That’s not what happens in the Abusive Kingdom.

My client was still struggling to understand – at heart level – why that is.

I said to her: “Abusive men really do not like women. In fact, they hate them. They hate women in general, and your partner hates you in particular.”

Now, quite a lot of abusive men run after every woman that has a pulse. But that still doesn’t mean they like women. It simply means that they hunt women. They collect ‘scalps’, as it were. They treat women as objects.

They may appear to like the odd one or two unattainable ones (my was-band was particularly warmly disposed towards a beautiful lesbian friend of mine).

They may profess to like the ones who are misguided enough to like them. But still, by and large, they hate women.

And the closer a woman gets to an abusive man, the more he gives expression to that hatred.

My client was, understandably, shocked to hear that she had spent years with a man who hates women, and hates her.

Still, she couldn’t quite internalize the enormity of it. She asked:

“But why does he do things that make me unhappy?”

I tried explaining that happy people feel more empowered, and less isolated and dependent than unhappy people.

And then I explained it to her this way:

“When you meet an abusive man, clearly, you don’t know he is abusive, or you wouldn’t be there. You’re looking for a partner, and you assess his potential to be a good partner – to the best of your knowledge. He, on the other hand, is looking for… not so much a servant as a slave.

The abusive man is looking for someone who will serve him 24-7 in various departments of his life: the bedroom, the kitchen, the finance department, parenting – both of his children, and himself – and so on, and so forth.

But more than that, the abusive man is someone who will carry a heavy load of loathing - his loathing both for himself and for other people.

He is looking for someone he can dump that load on, forever after.

Enter the loving, supportive, biddable, naïve woman…

You know what happens next.

What he needs is for you to carry that heavy load on your back, forever after. Provided your back looks nearly strong enough, and your shoulders nearly broad enough, he attaches himself to you.

He needs you...

He needs you to be bent double, carrying that weight for him, so that he can stand up straight, and feel free of it.

Now, of course, it is the case with healthy partners that both partners want to remove all heavy loads from the relationship.

Abusers are different. Abusers start from the premise that there is, always has been, and always will be, a heavy load to carry. Therefore they need someone to carry it for them.

That person is you.

(That’s why it’s always felt like such hard work.)

That’s why they can’t bear it when you feel happy, when you enjoy good times with friends, family or children, when you have plans for your own life.

You’ve put their load down!

They can’t tolerate that.

You’re not allowed to do that.

It's not part of your job description; as far as they are concerned.

You are their emotional slave, after all.

Spoiling the moment, and treating you badly is their way of putting the load straight back on your shoulders.

That’s all that matters to them.

When you are bent double under their load of negative feelings that is – quite literally – a huge weight off their shoulders.

That’s why they don’t want you to be happy; or, more precisely, can’t bear it when you are happy for more than about a nanosecond.

It’s not nice. It’s not reassuring. And it’s not about you.

That is simply the dynamic of abusive relationships. And that’s why there is no point hanging around trying to change them.

November 17, 2010

My client wept down the phone as she asked herself – not for the first time: “How could he treat me like that?”

She’d met a man who led her to believe he was The One, and she’d fallen head-over-heels (or should that be head-over-Heel?) in love.

You know as well as I do what happened next. He was an abuser. He lied, deceived, hurt and humiliated her.

Months later - like all abused women - she was still asking: “How could he?”

The short answer is: he did because he could.

The long answer hinges on his inadequacies, and needing to hurt her to feel like a Big Man. But the short answer is more useful here.

Falling-In-Love stinks because…

Imagine it is the end of an unbearably hot day. You’re worn out, drained, crying out for a pool of cool water, so you can wash off the hassles of the day. And you’re a long, long way from home, travelling without a clear direction. As night falls, you come across someone who is walking in the same direction as you.

He strikes up a conversation. You talk about the day and you tell him you’re looking for a pool of cool water to bathe in. You just want to relax, let go, and feel the sense of peace and well-being that being immersed in cool, clear water gives you.

He not only seems to understand, he tells you that he knows just such a place. In fact, he’s heading there, himself.

He invites you to travel along the journey with him.

You agree.

He’s nice enough, after all.

He wants the same thing you want.

He’s sympathetic to your feelings.

You prefer having pleasant company to travelling the road, at night, all alone.

By the time you finally reach the place he told you about, you’ve discovered you have a lot in common. He thinks as you think about a lot of things. He’s made you laugh, and lifted your mood.

You’re tired of being hot, sticky, and tired out. There’s something magical about the stillness of the place, the dying heat of the day, the darkness. It’s so dark by now, that you’ve let him take your hand to guide you.

He leads you to the place – a swimming pool, he now tells you, not a natural pond, but, hey, that’s all right, it’s still cool, fresh water – and he says to you: “Dive in. I’ll join you in just a moment.”

You can’t wait to shed the troubles of the day. So you do what he says.

You dive in.

And you hit your head on the bottom.

Hard.

Why?

Because there was no water in that pool.

You hadn’t stopped to check, because you couldn’t see clearly, and you’d built up what felt like a relationship with him.

And you would never have imagined he could deliberately do something like that to you, because you would never, ever do something that nasty to another person…

And Falling-In-Love is exactly like diving into a swimming pool without taking the time to notice whether or not it is filled with water.

I have a lot of time for love. As far as I’m concerned, loving someone worthy and being well loved by that person is as good as it gets.

But that’s all about a mutually loving relationship.

It’s a far cry from Falling-In-Love.

Falling-In-Love, as far as I can see, is about leaping without looking.

Falling-In-Love lays you open to the whole unsavory pack of jerks, abusers, and narcissists.

I asked my client whether she would take a job without first finding out about the pay and terms of employment. She sounded surprised. She answered, briskly: “Of course not.”

Then she saw the connection.

You don’t have to fall in love on Day 1, Day 2, or Day 20.

Falling-In-Love is optional, not obligatory – although it is a neat way of silencing the little voice in your head that says: “Er… I don’t think so. This one is NOT for me!”

Falling-In-Love throws a thick blanket of fantasy over an unpromising reality… for a little while. It allows you not to look at your niggling doubts about the person.

Then the blanket dissolves leaving you with a very, very sore heart.

Even if you do feel yourself Falling-In-Love – it happens - there is no sense in diving into the relationship blind. First, you want to be very sure that you will not hit your head, very hard, on a concrete floor.

Abusive men often tell us they’re no good. And we don’t believe them!

Which means we fail to trust the evidence of our eyes, our ears – and our intuition.

Falling-In-Love is a wonderful, chemical ‘high’.

And it stinks.

You pay way too high a price for that high.

Because Falling-In-Love means you don’t take the time to really check out whether the man is an abusive jerk, or Mr Perfect-for-You.

So, am I saying “give up, or get a marriage broker”?

Not at all.

What I am saying is that giving your love, and trust, to another person is probably the most important investment you will ever make in your personal life.

Do it carefully.

Learn to love another person by inches – or centimetres, if you prefer.

October 19, 2010

You want a wonderful relationship, but do you know what you need to do to create it? These 10 tips will give priceless pointers to what works, what doesn’t, and how to create a great relationship right from the get go - or what went wrong from Day 1 to create the relationship you are in today.

1. The things you sweep under the carpet will, one day, destroy the carpet.

It’s very easy, at the start of a relationship, to overlook the things that don’t sit well with you. Maybe you think the two of you will be able to ‘thrash them out’ together, at a later date. Maybe you think that love, like a bath of acid will dissolve those gritty little problems – and those gritty, not-so-little problems, also. That is wishful thinking. Wishful thinking is the highway to unhappiness.

2. ‘Chemistry’ usually has a short shelf-life. Chemistry, generally, means that another person’s teeth fit your wounds. Or, if you prefer, ‘chemistry’ describes the powerful attraction and connection you feel for someone who offers you the opportunity to replay a psycho-drama from childhood. Not that you will be aware of that consciously. But over time, you will find yourself clamouring for their love and attention, in the same way that you once clamoured for a parent’s attention or love.

3. First impressions are last impressions. Your conscious mind might be fooled by nice manners, good dress sense, and physical attractiveness. Your intuition is not. What your intuition tells you in a split second, your rational mind will take months - or even years - to fully grasp. If your intuition whispered to you: “Back off! This person is bad news”, expect a number of painful months, or years, while your rational brain gets up to speed.

4. What you believe is what you receive. Most partners will only ever treat you as well as you believe you deserve to be treated. The crucial word here is “believe” - not “hope”, or “desire”. If, at bottom, you don’t really believe you deserve the best, it’s highly unlikely that you will get it.

5. You don’t just get a partner; you get the family baggage thrown in. You fall in love with one individual, but you can expect to get saddled with their unresolved family baggage. If partners like their own parents, that’s a plus. If they don’t, and want little or nothing to do with them, what that means is they have yet to break free of their parents, emotionally. A partner laden with family baggage is likely to end up treating you like their burdensome family.

6. Notice how prospective partners treat people they don’t like – that could be you one day. An accurate measure of how nice your partner is, is not how nice he is to you at the start of the relationship – that’s a forgone conclusion; he’s on his best behaviour, out to make a good impression. Much more important is the way he treats, and talks about, people he doesn’t feel obliged to please. Anger, resentment, and criticism of other people does not bode well. One day you may well be ‘other people’.

7. Love means both partners being able to say they are sorry… in a way that makes the other feel genuinely valued. Genuine love presupposes genuine regret at upsetting a loved one. A partner who can’t, or won’t, apologise for causing distress is disregarding your feelings. His disregard for your feelings will cause you lot of unnecessary pain and frustration, over the life of the relationship.

8. All assumptions are deceptive - except, possibly, this one. Assumptions are no substitute for information. We tend to make assumptions in line with our hopes, or fears. The best way to know find out what is really the case for another person is to ask, in a calm, relaxed manner, right from the start.

9. No relationship will thrive without effective communication, physical affection, mutual care and support, and selflessness. Settling for crumbs of what you want is like being on a long-term starvation diet. The relationship will get thinner and thinner. At best it will have a long, feeble half-life. At worst, it will die of starvation.

10. Appreciation is the most powerful form of positive communication. (Blame and criticism are, doubtless, the most powerful forms of destructive communication. If you have experienced them in an abusive relationship, you will want to steer clear of them in the future.) Human beings thrive on genuine appreciation. We all want to receive it, yet most of us are not very good at giving it. Expressing appreciation for your near and dear ones, daily, is a skill well worth learning – not least, because the more you give, the more you get. I’m guessing you, also, enjoy being appreciated as much as the next person. Why wouldn’t you?

October 18, 2010

“If we are used to being nice, why do you think it is so easy to change? I have subscribed to your emails and was watching your video today and this thought popped into my head: it is just plain hard to be mean to people we care for, including an abusive (ex-)partner, if we are not abusive. Either I have to be Miss Mega Bitch or Miss Get Run Over. There seems to be no happy medium.” Louise

Here's the thing, Louise: you've spent your time being nice to - that is doing back flips to please - a man who treats you badly –and, all the while, treating yourself badly, when you could get to treat yourself well.

So, it's never about changing away from being nice. It's all about loving yourself first, and not casting pearls before swine. Pigs can eat anything, after all. But that really doesn't mean that each time you make a beautiful meal you should chuck it into the pigsty. Pigs are very happy - as I understand it - with leftover table scraps, or swill.

But how can you ever expect someone to cherish you, if you are not prepared to do that for yourself?

How can you educate someone to treat you well, if you do not teach them how, by doing it for yourself?

Start giving your very best to yourself. Who deserves your best more than you do, after all? And extend that best only to those people who deserve it.

October 13, 2010

As you know he can't have an argument by himself. So, what I have done in my actions that may have set the course for some of the abuse. There are always two sides to the story. Or does he just get blamed for everything?

Susie

Simple, Susie.

Just suppose that you are an irritating, ditzy person - now I'm guessing you're not, otherwise you would not be wanting to hold yourself accountable for your part in what happens in your relationship.

Here's the thing: he is responsible for his behaviour.

So even if you were annoying, and silly, if he is threatening, and aggressive, and hurtful, that is his responsibility. Not yours.

Now, I'm guessing he has behaved pretty badly towards you - otherwise you would not have ended up at my website.

I'm not going to excuse that bad behaviour, and I would suggest that you don't either... any more.

Warm wishes,

Annie

PS Actually, long experience of abusive men tells me that they are remarkably good at having arguments all by themselves: when they are in the mood to 'blow', they 'blow'. It's called finding a trigger, and exploding. Of course, by that time, they've often said so many hurtful things to you that you rise to the bait... So, then, you wonder how much of the fight is your fault.

P.S. This report lifts the lid on some key things that most men really DON’T want you to hear, and most women don’t want to admit to themselves. I won’t leave it up for long, so download it now while you still can!

They resonate with us, because of the grain of truth in them. Of which, more in a moment.

The trouble is, as children, we get to decide which bit we like the best; which bit really does it for us.

No prizes for guessing which bit that is…

It’s the happy ending, isn’t it?

Who could blame you for tuning in to the Feel Good Factor?

It’s normal. We all want more good feelings in our life.

Why wouldn’t you?

But is that really the grain of truth?

Think about it for a moment:

“Prince falls in love with self-effacing workhorse and lives happily with her forever after.” (Cinderella)

“Driven away by a wicked stepmother, low maintenance beauty keeps house, uncomplainingly, for 7 small men, until necrophiliac Prince happens along, kisses her and brings her back to life.” (Snow White)

“Love of a beautiful young woman saves father, and transforms misanthropic Beast into a Prince” (Beauty and the Beast)

(Should we reallybe filling our children’s head with this stuff??!)

Catherine Behan, Law of Attraction Life Coach, has a very different take on it. She focuses on the grain of truth within the fairy tale.

She focuses on the beliefs and behaviours we learn from fairy tale.

In fact, Catherine Behan has discovered that most women conform to 1 of 3 stereotypes: two fairy tale princesses, and another, even more unlikel y figure.

You’ll be amazed when you find out who this is.

Catherine Behan has a lot of great things to say about relationships, including her own.

What’s more, she’s been generous enough to share what she knows, absolutely free.

September 14, 2010

Wouldn’t
it be nice if we only had to experience being ill-treated by one man, and we
learned from it never to make certain mistakes again?

For
most of us, the reality is slightly different. We learn that a certain kind of man
treated us badly,in a certain
kind of way, and we resolve never to makethatmistake again.

Sadly,
we don’t think that we could be vulnerable to different, but equally
calamitous, mistakes. That
is precisely why we repeat them.

Last
week I was talking with a dear friend, someone I've known for 13+
years. When I first knew
her, she was in a relationship with a self-important womanizer, who thought the
world revolved around him. He
took it as his due that someone as nice as my friend should put her life on
hold to service him. And he
treated her like the proverbial doormat.

Eventually,
she broke free. In time she
found another partner who, unlike his predecessor, talked about his feelings,
fell head over heels in love from the get go, and whisked her off on a
transatlantic flight, to his castle in a foreign land.

And
there the fairy tale took a sharp nose dive.

Not
that it had been perfect from Day 1. Anything
but. There had been red
flags from the very first encounter with Prince Nauseatingly Charming.But she had not paid sufficient attention to
them.

Why
had she overlooked those red flags – which she had registered?

Because
she was focused on a different kind of bad:the kind of bad she already knew. The kind of bad she
had already experienced.

When
I first met my friend, we were both training in an alternative therapy. On most alternative therapy trainings
– in the UK, at least – most of the students are women. But, on this one, there was a man in
his twenties who affected cynicism and world-weariness. (Underneath that
façade, he was a very sweet, and vulnerable, guy.) Guy (not his real name) had a
favourite saying that he used to describe life’s little – or not so little –
reverses. Shrugging his shoulders, he would say:

“Same
old sh*t, different wrapper!”

How
many of us have focused on the wrapper, rather than on what it holds?

Judging
by the number of abused women I have spoken to, who have settled, next time
around, for a different kind of bad, far too many of us have done just
that.

When
I look back on my own relationship choices, my first semi-serious relationship
waswith someone I instinctively sensed had the capacity to grow
into an accomplished abuser,given
the right opportunity. I
danced away before that opportunity presented itself.

I
spent the next couple of years going on a load of dates, without becoming
remotely serious about anyone.

In
that time, I didn’t learn much about myself, relationships, or how to choose a
good partner.You see, I didn’t even know that there
were things that I needed to learn in order to safeguard myself.

And
so, the inevitable happened. Someone
came along brandishing a few fine red flags, buthe wooed me quickly… And I focused my
wariness on the wrapper – which was quite different: different profession,
different nationality, different way of presenting, but…

As
you’ve doubtless guessed:

Same
old…flavour:

Abusive
man. And this time, instead
of dancing away, I danced right into his clutches, where I learned a great deal
of what I now know about the way abusive men behave.

So,
how do you ensure that you don’t fall for the same old sh*t, different
wrapper, ever again?

You learn
how to recognise an abusive man, and youreact appropriately, before he propels your life, at top
speed, up a blind alley.You
can do this on your own, if you are still prepared to learn the hard way; or
else you could get the targeted help you need to protect you from future nasty
surprises.

If you're still struggling to decide whether or not your partner – or ex-partner
– was abusive, these words from “How Not To Marry The Wrong Guy” may
help. If someone were to
ask you what you love about your partner, could you answer like this:

“My... [partner] is honest, genuine, considerate, selfless,
humble, and a great partner. These qualities benefit our marriage
tremendously. In creating a
good nurturing relationship, these qualities are essential. I value the person he is, and I try to
be the best I can be in return.”

“How
Not To Marry The Wrong Guy”, by Anne Milford and Jennifer Gauvain, is an
invaluable guide to how to spot and avoid the wrong guy; and recognize the
right one. This is the book
that every abused woman, including me, wishes they had had as a much thumbed
reference work, before they let themselves be railroaded up that blind alley.

I was saved by the dream of a timeshare in the beautiful
city of Venice.

Another woman was saved by a pair of shoes.

For every abused woman, the ‘reality check’ kicks in, at some
point.

Something makes you realize how profoundly miserable you are
in our abusive relationship.The towels
that are the gift you get for marrying the wrong guy, the dream about the
timeshare that’s never going to come true, the fight because you’re wearing the
wrong shoes.

Finally, you see the light.

It’s never going to get any better.

Your abusive partner is only ever going to get worse.

That’s when you finally walk.

Whether you’re still struggling with the decision to walk
away, or you already have, and you’re still “regrouping”, Anne Milford will
inspire and uplift you.

August 15, 2010

You know how you sometimes have to hear something several times, before you really hear it?

Well, Catherine Behan's starting point is a very different one to mine. This blog focuses on helping women to get out of an abusive relationship and get over it. Catherine is passionate about helping people attract the love of their life. But still, she has some great advice and techniques for any woman who is hurting from relationship breakdown.

Who knows?

Maybe the way she says it is exactly the way you need to hear it right now.

A friend of mine is just separating from her husband and hearing the fatigue, depression and sadness in her voice triggered this question:

How do you know when it is time to let go of a decaying relationship? The word “decaying” may give you a clue. If you are miserable, exhausted and disenchanted with your relationship, chances are you are making a decision from a place of anger or fear.

Leaving a relationship is never easy, but if you do it with FEAR or ANGER being your motivator, you are setting yourself up to repeat your pattern with a new partner. The key to detaching yourself from a relationship that is no longer right for you, is to make your decision from a place of SELF LOVE instead.

How in the world do you get beyond the HURT, FEAR AND ANGER and find the SELF LOVE that is underneath it all? Believe it or not, it is easier than you think. It all starts with your thoughts.

The most powerful words I can share with you today are the FIVE WORDS THAT COMPLETELY CHANGED MY LIFE. Now, I am a bit dramatic and love the turn of a phrase but I am serious. These five words changed my life.

What You Focus On Expands. Period.

Chances are you have been focusing on your man’s faults. Not that I blame you, I used to do the same thing. In my first marriage, I didn’t know about the five magic words. I was an expert at my ex-husbands faults and not only did I focus on them, because I knew them so well (remember they expanded EVERYTIME I focused on them) I then made the “logical” next step….I began insisting he change those faults.

What a disaster! Through the divorce process, I searched and searched for answers. I never wanted to divorce and I had to figure out what had happened to our once loving relationship.

My search led me to Abraham Hicks and the teachings on the Law of Attraction. When I began to practice the Five Magic Words, choosing to focus on what I WANTED to expand, my whole perspective changed.

Now I am remarried and nearing our fourth anniversary, the blush of honeymoon passion has subsided and real life has settled in. I consciously choose to focus on Larry’s strengths, those things I truly admire. Even on a day when we are a bit cross with one another, my commitment to seeing only what I admire in him works like a charm to get MY focus where I want it to be.

So how does all of this relate to someone whose relationship is ending? If you are ready to leave your guy, good. You will find the whole process easier if you focus on what you WANT to see happening as you move on. Focus on your future and your dreams.

But…if you are stuck in the fear, depression, anger and sadness and yet still care for your partner, find a support system (even Al-Anon can be a port in a storm) and begin to build up your positivity. Leaving your relationship with more balance will help you move on more gracefully.

Besides, you don’t want to bring all of that emotional turmoil into your next relationship. How can you make this shift? Try these suggestions to create an exit strategy that works:

1. Begin each and every day telling yourself something (anything) positive.Stand in front of the mirror (Thank you Louise Hay) and tell yourself: “In this moment, I am safe and all is well.” or “You are looking good this morning!” or “I am proud of you.”

2. Take out the trash. Author Julia Cameron, The Artist’s Way, suggests writing three pages of whatever comes tumbling out when you get up in the morning. She calls them Morning Pages. The idea is to truly dump and then to burn your pages. Amazing and powerful little tool. Spill your guts, speak from the heart, write it and burn it.

3. Find Connections. I have met the best people in meet up groups, at my area metaphysical bookstore and in classes and workshops. Before that, when I was really struggling, I met great people in online forums and in coaching clubs. Law of Attraction is amazing in bringing the exact right people into your life when you need them. Just reach out.

4. Take Responsibility. It takes two to tango. Begin to be honest with yourself. Yes, he has caused you a lot of headaches, bless him. But you have caused him a lot of angst too. I love H’ono p’ono, a Hawaiian healing method. All you do is repeat: I love you, Thank You, I’m Sorry, Please Forgive Me. Place your hand on your heart and say these four things while thinking of your soon to be ex. You will feel waves of relief.

5. Accept The Lessons. I remember Oprah talking about a difficult situation. She asked, “What is the lesson here, let me learn it quick so I can move on.” What about you? Have you asked the Universe for the lesson? Try journaling by using both hands. With your dominant hand ask, “What is the lesson?” and with your non-dominant hand, write the answer. Then ask again and again until you hear something from your Inner Being that brings relief. Powerful tool.

Remember, you want to leave if that is the highest good, but more importantly, you want to leave with your dignity and your self concept intact. You can move through this time with power and grace. If I can do it, you can!