Thursday, July 8, 2010

Heat-Addled: Cooler Heads Will Prevail

Obviously an essential part of life in New York City is incessant complaining, and while we may seem unhappy the truth is we find this mode of discourse comforting. Really, it's less a way of expressing displeasure and more a form of familiar address. A Texan might greet a neighbor with a friendly "Howdy!" or a Hawaiian might offer a heartfelt "Aloha!" (at least according to what I've seen on TV, which is the extent of most of my cultural knowledge), but here in New York we simply exchange pained expressions and announce, "It's hot as balls out there!" And it is hot as balls, too--so hot that pedestrians are wearing minimal clothing:

(If she had "balls," you'd see them.)

Also, the saxophonists have been forced to practice outside under the shade of the Brooklyn-Queens Expressway:

So evocative of summer was the sound that I was moved to capture it briefly on video:

Yes, summer in New York City consists almost entirely of women in revealing clothing walking lazily about to the sultry accompaniment of incidental saxophone music. In fact, it's exactly like the video for Glenn Frey's "You Belong to the City:"

As trendy a place as New York City can be, on a certain level it is eternally 1985 here.

I am not conversant in the language of the headline, nor could I be bothered to translate it with the aid of a popular search engine, but I choose to interpret it as "Wild Cavendish goes with bike and helm." While I can certainly understand his frustration after having missed out on victory in Stage 4, he should also keep in mind that throwing a helmet around is not a good way to deal with anger. Not only is it unsportsmanlike, but he's also liable to hit somebody in the "kunstbox."

Ordinarily one would have to purchase a cured meat gift box to experience packaging this lavish, so when you factor in the high cost of artisanal salami this alone makes it worth the price. In today's world, it's important to remember that packaging is important--sometimes even more important than what's inside the packaging. If you've ever given your dog a toy only to watch him totally disregard it and start humping the box, then you have just some idea of the power a well-designed package can have on humans as well. Also, red twine is involved, and you even get a certificate of authenticity that confirms it's "genuine," (which should come as a relief if you've ever opened a box containing a make-believe ax(e)):

I was particularly intrigued by the use of the word "issued," and the Best Made Company's certificate of (in)authenticity may indeed be a Rosetta Stone for my finally completely understanding the language of design. So far, I already knew that "colorway" means "color," and that "curate" means "to assemble, source, or slap together." Now, I also know that "issue" means "repackage or rebrand." Armed with this knowledge like a woodsman with a brand-new ax(e), I am pleased to report I have finally "curated" the Pretentious Order of Operations, which is as follows: first, you establish the "Colorway;" then, you "Curate" the product; and finally, you "Issue" it. The acronym for the Pretentious Order of Operations is of course "CCI," which is much easier to remember than PEMDAS.

Of course, I'm not a woodsman, nor do I have any meaningful wood-chopping experience, so it may be unfair for me to be critical of this product (even if it is just this ax with a colorful handle, a salami box, and an ersatz pedigree, as one reader suggests). Furthermore, if there really is a demand for pretty axes out there then I certainly can't indict this person for filling it, as much as the idea that such a demand exists may sicken me. Really for all I know, it is the greatest designer ax(e) ever CCId, and regardless of price I would wager that it at least does what it is supposed to do in the unlikely event that it is actually pressed into service (which is to chop wood). Unfortunately, not all designer bicycles do what they're supposed to do (which is convey a rider), and another reader has forwarded me these bicycle "sculptures" made of "DuPont™ Corian®," which I guess is the carbon fribé of unrideable bikes:

Indeed, by "deconstructing the conventional elements of this traditional, environmentally-friendly vehicle," (or at least producing a computer rendering, since apparently designers don't even have to make anything anymore) he's done something the "fixerati" have been trying to do for years, which is render the bicycle completely useless:

It seems to me that if you like the way bicycles look and you admire their "environmental friendliness," then you might as well skip the sculpture and just keep an actual, rideable bicycle in the house. That way, you could look at it and ride it. Otherwise, it's sort of like having a decorative blender in your kitchen, or an unflushable toilet in your bathroom. Then again, I'm also one of those wrongheaded people who think you don't need a box and a certificate of authenticity for your ax(e), and that if you're cold you should throw on a shirt. However, the designer of the bicycle sculpture, Karim Rashid, feels differently.

Incidentally, the reader who forwarded me this also pointed out that Karim Rashid has "not bought a book, magazine, or paper in 5 years." This would explain why he's a bit out of the loop, and I feel it incumbent upon myself to tell him that we're all wearing shirts again, and that gratuitous tattoo displays went out of style when "Frasier" was still on the air.

In an age of pedigree axes and unrideable bikes, the absurd ingenuity you'll find on Craigslist seems quaint and charming in comparison. Consider this bicycle featuring a zip-tied chainring, which was forwarded to me by yet another reader:

Hi, im selling a pretty new Windsor: The Hour bike. Only have had it for a month. There are a couple of scratches on the top tube, but it is purely COSMETIC, will not affect riding whatsoever.

ONE PROBLEMAs you can see in the picture, i have lost 3 chainring bolts because they fell out due to lack of tightness. I have used zip-ties as a replacement, (even two on one hole) and to be honest, it REALLY works. I am not just saying that to sell my bike, the zip-ties are VERY strong, and the chainring will not come off. (I have mashed down hills with it, and have felt no type of difficulty/problem.) You can pull all you want on the chainring, it will not fall off.

Please contact 415-573-[deleted] for quick replies. Text/call it. $350 obo. Talk to me about trades. Will be able to pick up and ride away.

I'm intrigued, and I'm glad he's open to trades. In fact, I've got a spraypainted ax(e) I'd like to offer him. Sure, the head is duct-taped to the handle, but it also comes with a certificate of authenticity. You can chop all the wood you want--I guarantee the head won't come off.

I am ashamed to say that I watched "Packing time - The Movie". Was intrigued to see that they used a nail gun to fasten the lid to the salami box. Was sure their pretension would call for using a bedazzled hammer made by a secret company in Maine.

Thanks. Speaking of podium babes, what the hell is up at the TdF this year? Yellow jersey girls look like the are wearing oversized wet suits. And those umbrellas that the mountain points girls have to wear... yikes. The tour needs a little Gila action!

Dude you are on fire, not only as bike snob but as cultural ass kicker. This bullshit must be revealed! Bikes you can't ride are like ... well, you said it! I'm all for art for art's sake, but the mere fact that something is utterly pointless doesn't make it art!

Somehow that axe guy and that jerkoff on the cover of Poets & Writers (who should be drugged and given to Mark Cavendish next time he wants to throw something) and Karim Rasheed (whose real name I'm guessing is probably something like Rupert Whitehead III) all seem like people who keep a very detailed journals about their excretory processes for careful study later. You are right to be horrified and fascinated simultaneously.

But women walking around the city wearing revealing clothing? By their own choice? That can't be a complaint, can it? It might make staying focused while doing laps around Central Park a bit more challenging, but I for one accept that challenge wholeheartedly.

wishiwasmerckx, you sonofabitch, you do now. i will drop large-mouthed fools on the weekly am ride and then drop lures to snag some large-mouthed hogs that pm with my son.

marc, i really dig those umbrellas the polka dot girls wear. they give me the warm and fuzzy 50s housewife feeling and seem like they provide some pretty easy access. me likey. the black slacks on the stage winner girls, though, are hideous.

What credibility the best axe in the world had was lost when the video jumped into fast forward mode. What a lack of respect to the process. If it can't be shot as fetishistic as Kenneth Anger's Scorpio Rising then what's the point?

I am withholding judgment on the umbrella skirts until we get some windy days. I hope ASO didn't learn anything from the upskirt shot on last year's Giro and made panties mandatory. I do agree that the high-waisted slacks are not doing anyone any favors. Especially the more hippy girl on the left.

I found it for $56.25http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B000LG4DRO/ref=pd_lpo_k2_dp_sr_1?pf_rd_p=486539851&pf_rd_s=lpo-top-stripe-1&pf_rd_t=201&pf_rd_i=B000LG85E6&pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_r=0C5CPW0JY31SF4D3T83S

My Dutch isn't much better than yours, but if the article meant to imply Cavendish threw his helmet, the evidence is unclear. He goes in the bus and a helmet rolls out a couple of seconds later. Although he didn't treat his bike very well, it carried him to a stage win today.

again, what do futuristic virtual bike designers have against hubs, spokes, gears and chains? are these items so archiac and repugnant that these guys want to completely rid the future world of them. again, why spend a lot of time and effort redesigning something that is completely adquate and great (recognizing that I'm glad we are still not riding PFs and that improvement is always good). I would recommend designers focus on something that needs improvement. for example, design me a beer that I can drink 12 of and not loose all sense of good judgement. CCI me that, please.

This combination of these cranks, this frame, these zip ties, and my sneakers is absolute the stiffest thing I have ever felt, which is really important because i commute to work at least 3 times per week on this machine and even go across some bridges. I've never felt anything so responsive

that Windsor is a bikesdirect bike.. and bikesdirect sells it for $279... wonder if some dumb ass actually bought that with a freakin' zip tied crank. yeah you might be able to mash downhill on it, but i'd like to see someone try to mash uphill on zip ties

I'm Norwegian, but in keeping with my Zwn (that's similar to "Zen", but Norwegian and thus superior) attitude I won't rise to the Hushovd-themed jibes. However, I do have "an axe to grind" regarding the indispensable fakerjack accessory, the uh ... axe. WTF is up with strapping a pimped-out axe to your back, and wearing it in public? Is that okay in Brooklyn? I don't know the Big City (more people work at the Rockefeller Centre than there are people in my town), but even in my Arctic urban environment, that is officially known as "carrying a concealed weapon". If accosted by the PO-LICE, how does a hipster explain away the colourful yet lethal fashion statement hidden under his checkered shirt? What's next - Urban Samurai Hipsters, with metre-long artfully spraypainted katanas jammed in their eco-silk sashes? Billyburg Templars with lama-wool "chainmail" and decorative greatswords in engraved scabbards? There's no lack of manly identities ,readily purchased and donned, complete with the tool-cum-melee-weapon of your choice. Fuck this pretentious, lame-ass era of real-life "Ken" dolls. Just be guys and do guy stuff, that WILL make you men. Buying a pre-packaged masculine identity with overpriced clothes and accessories is nauseatingly effeminate. Dammit, most gay dudes are way more manly than that.

I have a set of wheels I just built that I am looking to sell. Only I did not have the proper wrenches to install the spokes properly so I just crazy glued them in place. When I hold the wheels up they look okay.

Bad TATs are the true sign of the douche. The poet and Writers cover show a whole lot of money went to the tat "artist" the karim "artist" spent alot of money on some fake "maori" or real fake "jailhouse" tats. The ax men must have some kick as scrotum tats.

Best Made Everywhere? At first I though he meant Anywhere , but then I noticed someone in my closet making an axe, also, in the bathroom, living room, kitchen, hall ... they're EVERYWHERE! Lob help us all!

Summer is but a long gone memory here, and with it goes playing what Americans call "hotshot" (I prefer dumb smoke sucking dirt scraper) with the tools of trade: chainsaw, axe and rakehoe. You can become quite fond of things you are using all the time and I must admit that I have prettied up my rakehoe a little - I do love pimping my hoe.

American hotshots seem to prefer Pulaski tools to rakehoes for constructing fire¬line. Both tools are also great for general trail building. So who knows, if the hipsters in the new world order do take up cyclocross, you may well soon find hipster crews chipping singletrack out of New Yorks paved streets with artisan crafted Pulaski's (only after noon) and maybe even occasionally going hard at it with a bedazzling hoe.

All this talk about the pretentious idiot with the axes this week but really how different is it in our own little world? Pinarello, Colnago, Cervelo, etc., etc., etc. all buy their crabon bikes from the same 2 or 3 contract sweatshops in Taiwan. Sure they may play around with geometries, 'engineer' different diameters/cross sections or even add visual trademarks like bendy fork blades, but really how different are these frames? They use the same materials, are built using the same techniques, by the same people. All the bike companies do is add their paint, decals and badges. The rest is all marketing bullshit (is that an oxymoron?), just like Mr. Ax Hole.

Man it took me like 15 minutes to even figure out what a chainring would bolt onto on a bike with only one chainring. Actual crank spiders on single-ring drivetrains are a rarity out here in my largely hipster-free hood.

I think I had a mild panic attack while watching the ax packaging video. It's hard to tell what it really was...negative emotions were washing over me like I was stuck in a urine and diaper filled water park wave pool.

I think I had a mild panic attack while watching the ax packaging video. It's hard to tell what it really was...negative emotions were washing over me like I was stuck in a urine and diaper filled water park wave pool.

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About Me

While I love cycling and embrace it in all its forms, I'm also extremely critical. So I present to you my venting for your amusement and betterment. No offense meant to the critiqued. Always keep riding!