Off the Menu: More Of The Most Insane Fast Food Stories Ever

Hello, and welcome back to Off The Menu, where we explore the craziest stories about food from my email inbox.This week, we’ve got more utterly batshit tales from fast food restaurants.As always, these are real stories from real readers.

Ryan Brady:

I used to work at a Carl’s Jr. in my hometown. I was back for a few months, and decided to go have lunch at Carl’s Jr. again for old times sake. Here is a transcript of my in store order (to a cashier that was, it is very important to note, definitely a native English speaker):

Me: One Famous Star with extra mayo.

Cashier: What? (Note: “why?” would have been an appropriate question.)

Me: One Famous Star with extra mayo.

Cashier: What’s that?

*I think for a sec*

Me: Uh…a Famous Star with extra mayonnaise on it?

Cashier: I don’t understand…what do you mean by extra mayonnaise?

Me: Just make a Famous Star and put a little more mayonnaise on it than normal…?

Cashier: *Blank stare*

Me: When my friend used to order this, there was a button on the register for extra, and then you could select mayonnaise.

My brother and I are now sitting at a booth, quietly musing over the situation, when someone from the back comes out and runs over to us.

Cook: When you say extra mayo, do you want everything else on it, too?

Me: What?

Cook: Do you want the lettuce, and tomato, and other condiments as well?

Me: Yeah, just make a normal famous star, and put a little more mayo on it than normal.

Cook: Got it.

The burger comes out a couple minutes later. There is at least half a cup of mayonnaise on it. I go through 4 or 5 napkins wiping it off, before I can begin see the burger underneath. Even after wiping it down, I’m sure eating it took a year or two off my life.

Linda Salters:

With long distance driving a regular occurrence of late, I often am faced with closest-to-the-highway fast-food choices. On the road last week one afternoon (several hours from my destination and out of home-packed snacks), I was hungry. I opted for a medium order of fries at the only joint at this exit — Burger King.

“You want to super-size that?” No, thank you, just the fries.

“What do you want to drink with that?” Nothing, thank you, just the fries.

“You want fries with that?”

Emily Reese:

I worked as a Starbucks barista for almost two years, and basically every day was a Off the Menu submission. Nevertheless, my favorite may be the time a woman came up and ordered a venti iced coffee, unsweetened, no milk. I slid it over the bar, and she looked at it, completely baffled. I asked if anything was wrong, and she said “Ummmm, well…what’s that white stuff you usually put in?”

I looked blankly at her for at least half a second and then ventured “Milk?”

She shrugged, looking completely blank. “I guess?”

I offered to add milk, listed the options (breve, non-fat, whole, 2%, heavy cream, soy, coconut etc.) and she just stared at me, so I pointed her to the carafes on the bar and told her she could add some “creamy white stuff” there, and if it wasn’t to her liking, I’d remake it. As I recall, she just drifted away, adding nothing.

I just really hoped that the mysterious white substance she was thinking of was milk and not a host of other improbable things.

Alan Hanlein:

It’s 2007 and I’m a high school senior on a choir tour of Scandinavia. On our first full day in Copenhagen, the mass of high school students gets told we’re on our own for lunch, and to meet up in the square in the middle of the city about 90 minutes later. Being that we’re all high schoolers in a foreign country, a group of us naturally gravitate towards a McDonald’s (because we’re awful).

Now, unlike McDonald’s in the U.S., Mickey D’s in Denmark is not cheap. Prices are running north of $8 for a quarter pounder. Seeing this and deciding I did not want to spend what little souvenir money I had on a burger I could get for half the price back home, I decide to see what else is out there. I turn to go.

Two steps. That’s the distance I walk before time slows to the same speed TV Networks like to use to show you a gruesome football injury on replay. Mid-step I see him, a small blonde Danish child who we’ll call Hans. Hans couldn’t have been older than two, but he was about to get a lifelong lesson in pain. He crossed into my path as I’m mid-step and unable to stop. I realize what’s going to happen as it’s happening, but it’s too late for Hans. As my foot makes contact with the small boy’s backside, time speeds up, just in time for me to see Hans go flying at least five feet before hitting his face on the door to the McDonald’s.

Time stops at this point. I’m a 17-year-old American abroad. The McDonald’s is now silent except for Hans’s screaming. I can feel people burning a hole through my body with their eyes. A man I assume is Hans’ dad comes running up to me screaming. I don’t speak Danish, but I’m trying to apologize profusely — he’s not having it. He’s cradling the small boy while hurling what I can only assume is the entire book of Danish epithets and curses at me. I don’t blame him, what with the accidental child punting and all.

My friends are frozen in shock. They’re just staring at me and this furious Danish man and his screaming child. They also don’t speak a lick of Danish and thus can’t help me translate.

After a few more apologies and Danish swears I book it out of that McDonald’s. As soon as I leave, I hear police sirens. I run around the corner, where, conveniently, a friendly gentleman with a hotdog cart offers me a sausage and a pepsi for like $4 American. After about 10 minutes of me eating this surprisingly delicious street meat, my friends find me. According to them, those sirens I heard were the cops, on their way to the McDonald’s to investigate a story about an American child kicker.

We left Denmark two days later, and I have not been back since.

Marissa Silver:

When I was 13, I went to a Taco Bell with my grandmother. It was on the late side, certainly past the dinner rush, and in a rural area where the place probably never got that busy. It wasn’t a surprise that we were the only customers in the place. The girl behind the counter is white, in her late teens or early twenties. In the back is the cook, a larger Hispanic man. Other than these two, there are no other employees in the restaurant that we can see.

We go up to the counter, and my grandma orders some combo. I order a large coke and a Mexican pizza. The girl reads our order back to us, but she finished with, “a large coke, and one Mexican penis.”

The three of us all stare in horror at each other for a decidedly long stretch of time, wondering if that really just happened. She says, “Umm…let me try that again,” to which my grandma responds with “Oh, honey, please don’t.”

Meanwhile, the cook in the back, who has completely stopped cooking and has been trying to hold himself together, totally loses it. He can barely stand, he’s laughing so hard. The embarrassed girl has to take our money, and then go make our food. We can hear the cook belly laughing the whole time and the poor girl just looks more and more wretched until we can finally take our food and leave.

As we’re walking out the door, my grandma turns to me and says “I didn’t even know you could get that at Taco Bell!”

Do you have any food-related stories you’d like to see included in Off The Menu?Feel free to submit them toWilyUbertrout@gmail.com. New submissions are always welcome!(Seriously, you don’t need to ask if I want you to send them in, the answer is always yes).If you’d like to stay up to date with OTM news, my Twitterhandle is@EyePatchGuy.

Share this post

I hear that the mexican penis at Taco Bell is inauthentic and full of fillers anyway.

tnebert

…and SessileRaptor has just won the internets. We can all go home now. Good game, everybody!

Julia Houston

I hear they add worms to their penis.

50plymouth

Hey, that’s authentic Mexican food!
(went out to see eclipse – north of Chicago and cloudy so nothing special)
I once had a fried-worm taco from a street vendor in Mexico City just so I could tell people for the next 30 years that I once had a fried-worm taco from a street vendor in Mexico City.

Julia Houston

Seriously. Screw that tequila worm. PENIS WORM!!!

DrGecko

Yeah, you’re supposed to get it at the Home of the Whopper.

Frank Underboob

“I got your penis-filler right here [grabs crotch] baby!”

Pegtalay

I almost had a panic attack when OTM wasn’t published at the normal time. I swear I’ve followed this serious around so much if there’s so much as a hiccup I’m already packed up and ready to find our new home.
Truthfully I’d be confused about extra mayo also, but more on an existential level.

HiHoSilver

The Denmark story is hilarious. Poor kid – but hey he’s been immortalized on OTM now. LOL How the heck do you do that much damage turning around though?

Cynthia

and not one of those angry Danes told Dad, next time he should watch your small child more closely? I know our dear contributor wouldn’t have understood the language, but I’m guessing that the body language would have been vastly different.

I’m guessing the child was running full tilt when he hit her backside.

theblackdog

Marissa’s Grandma wins best punchline this week.

Odin Rein Nightmair

I love child punting stories it just warms my cold dead heart

Frank Underboob

Don’t we all? Remember the classic one of the stray kid being accidentally punted by a server?

sofar

Was that the one where the parents were like, “Meh, it’s fine”?

Frank Underboob

That sounds right.

dead_elvis, inc.

I don’t care if I’m Pinkham’s-Lawyering – requesting extra mayo is the act of a monster.

Frank Underboob

No argument from me; when I buy a Whopper, I always request only ½ the mayo.

Alexandra Linington

I’m not gonna call Pinkham’s law on that – Pinkham’s law is about excusing the actions of the person with $RANDOMJUSTIFICATION$. Expressing an opinion on the act that resulted in the stupidity isn’t Pinkham’s-law-worthy.

I’m going to slightly invoke Pinkham’s law for the Milk story though – drifting around in a fugue state…. Sounds like a stoner tbh.

Banrion

Stoners are pretty detailed and aware of their preferred snacks.

But I have been similarly clueless before. My favorite sub shop gave me the wrong order once. I was not about to take it back to the shop where they would have to throw it away, so I ate it. It was delicious. I still have not found the same combo of ingredients & sauces that formed that most perfect sandwich. But it did introduce me to the banana pepper as a sandwich topping, and that has become an ongoing obsession ever since.

E.R.

Hey! I wrote the Starbucks story! Happy day to have finally made it to the OTM leagues.

Just as a mild defense, I work in Colorado and marijuana was actually legalized while I was working at Starbucks. I’m very adept at spotting stoners — they usually wanted a lot of caramel and cake pops. And they never not smell like pot, really.

A week at Starbucks teaches you, more than retail or other food service job, that a vast number of people are very…unbalanced in some way. This kind of Milk Lady stuff happened every day. I remember one lady getting absolutely furious with me because I asked her if she wanted the plain doughnut or the chocolate. “I have…I just, I’ve never been asked this question before. I don’t understand it. I don’t understand what you mean.”
Whereas you and I would say “Ooh, chocolate please” or “Oh, plain,” this lady went on a screed of bafflement, and even better, it was somehow my fault!

It’s an…interesting place to work. You can wait on the same person every day, and one day they’ll walk in and not know what whipped cream is, or what flavor a lemon pound cake is. And you think “But…I’ve talked to you. You seemed so…smart. Normal.”

Now, she could have been on some kind of prescription. I suspect many members of Starbucks high strung clientele are massive pill poppers.

Banrion

I have done such things before. I can only hope the SB baristas that I deal with regularly can handle the occassional zombie morning.

Jamoche

I wish there was a button for “just enough mayo to hold the sandwich together.” If I can taste it, there’s too much, but somehow I keep getting the mayo Ryan wanted.

dead_elvis, inc.

That is, indeed, the correct amount of mayonnaise.

Frank The Rat

How in heck did Alan find anyone in Denmark, particularly Copenhagen, who didn’t speak English? Maybe some recently arrived immigrant bus drivers or laborer. If a Dane a Swede and a Norwegian run into each other in a fourth country they speak English because it’s the language they have in common.

Buoyancé

Well let’s be fair. The average American can’t really understand accent inflected English either.

Frank The Rat

That’s true. I’ve been in Norway for the last two weeks and any time anyone, usually American, asks if I speak English I answer in German and then use a funny accent. When I lived in Germany I was pretty fluent and had good German comprehension but the Scandinavian languages stump me. Although I can usually figure out written things.

Alexandra Linington

The average American can’t really understand English spoken by someone from actual ENGLAND so anywhere else in the world doesn’t stand a chance.

GrammarSlammerBammer

I’ve followed OTM wherever it has landed over the years but I’m absolutely baffled by this Bitter Empire site. What even is it? The world’s lamest click-bait site? I’ve browsed around it a few times but I’ve been enticed to click on the bait absolutely ZERO times.

That is all.

Pudman

Use due care Bammer
Pinkham has already issued cranky edicts to random commenters that do not highly enjoy this mega super excellent website. I know things, so…

Buoyancé

Well come on lads, it’s not hard to see the rudeness in shitting on your hosts doorstep, is it?

…it’s not really a false equivalency. I mean I think you really need to try hard to not understand the reasoning behind this. Conduct yourselves as you see fit, but attacking the simple logic of the underlying manners the rest of us employ isn’t really a great use of your time….it’s not like we’ve constructed an absurd dogmatic principle for random adherence to.

Pudman

Self-importance much Deb? Maybe telling random people on a comment thread what to say & think isn’t the strongest position to take pal. Who is this ‘we’ you’re talkin’ about & why are they so determined to ‘construct’ allegedly dogmatic principles? How is a shit analogy a ‘dogmatic principle’ anyway? Please send me a monogrammed insulated thermos ASAP, OK?

Buoyancé

“Conduct yourselves as you see fit” + “Maybe telling random people on a comment thread what to say & think isn’t the strongest position to take pal” = ?????

You really seem to be taking things much too seriously, with a predisposition to establish the most hostile perspective possible (and then some).

Pudman

I’mma SO sorry you didn’t like my comment to someone that wasn’t you.
Next time I’ll try harder, & not let my karma run over your dogma next time, OK sweetie?
Now about those ‘dogmatic principles’…
[Have you seen Frozen yet?]

Buoyancé

It is clearly an exercise in diminishing returns to converse with – you are literally not acknowledging a single point I raise in favour of sounding sassy on the internet. Have fun.

In parting, there was a negation involved in the first mention of dogmatic principles. So, that’s like the *opposite* of the thing you are clinging on to.

Pudman

No, stupid. Where’s my monogrammed insulated thermos?
So have you seen Frozen yet, or not, oh comment thread purveyor of all knowledge?

I’m super calm bro

you’re exhausting and unpleasant, dang

Pudman

–yet you read AND reply. Thanks for caring bro.

I’m super calm bro

yeah, I specifically come to the comment section to see if you, Pudman, are going to have something fascinating to say. you got me.

Pudman

You said my name bro. I own you now! BWAHAHA ! yugelolz4U2

I’m super calm bro

crissytiegencringe.gif

Pudman

y u mad bro?

I’m super calm bro

I’m super calm bro

Pudman

Sure pal. Want a cookie?

I’m super calm bro

No I just wanted the opportunity to write my own username as a comment. it’s all part of a long con.

Pudman

So you want TWO scoops of ice cream w/ your cookie sonny?
Typical.
/pats head

Renee

STOP IT! Can’t you see this barnyard guessing game is tearing us *apart*??
Was it a lamb?

Topazz

I felt the comments I saw here were not snarky about the terrible colors. To me, Pinkham overreacted. I have to say that I don’t get this site either. It is better than Wonkette. It looked like the website Homer Simpson designed.

Pudman

I have previously spoken w/ Pinkham via Email about this site. He told me, and I quote, ‘It is where it is.’ I am allergic to neither red nor crunchy, thusly I still abide here. Apparently a fellow commenter (see above !) has some seriously different feels about this. Save The Bread !!!

Frank Underboob

Wonkette’s ads make a hell of a mess of that site, but at least the colour scheme didn’t make my eyes bleed the way this one does, and I could read all the damn text in the comment section.

Pudman

There is that. As Pinkham said, ‘It is where it is.’ As another good friend always says, ‘It could be worse.’ Seems like each website has it’s own unique set of circumstances, much like people. I’mma good as long as some self-important busybody isn’t telling me what to post, say, or think. YMMV imvho.

Pudman

As Pinkham said, ‘It is where it is.’ Each website has it’s own unique annoyances & quirky features. As another friend always says, ‘It could be worse.’ Def that.

Jamoche

Wonkette is ad-free now.

Frank Underboob

Huh. Good. I’ve been using an ad-blocker there for a long time, due to them having ads that messed up my browser.

Frank The Rat

Someone never saw Wonkette then. I was a Wonkette regular before OTM but it got to be too much even for me.

SkinlessGenderlessMan

Still a Wonkette regular, personally – Pinkham brought me there and I stayed for the snark. Glad the ads are gone, though….

Do wish this site would fix the text color issue; on my phone there is so little contrast I can’t see who I am replying to! 🙁

Jamoche

Not just a phone issue, I can’t see anyone’s names on a Mac.

Topazz

I can’t read the names either.

Kate Reed

That milk story’s right up there with “how do you want your eggs?” “JUST COOK THEM!”

Frank Underboob

My theory on the Carl’s Jr zombies is that they’re the local eatery for one of the pigs in previous OTM stories who always wants a gallon of [whatever] on/in their [whatever], like the Caramel Syrup Lady, for example, & are suffering from such severe PTSD that they can no longer cope with normal orders.

Alexandra Linington

Not that there isn’t fuckery all over the world, but it really seems as though Americans take things to extremes. Even when I’ve been visiting America I’m seen some CRAZY shit happening all over the place and no-one bats an eyelid – like the cross-dressing guy screaming at my Mum for not knowing what Half-cream was…..(We don’t have’half cream’ in the UK – it’s Milk, Single Cream or Double Cream. WTF is half cream – is it ‘Single’ or is it a mix of Cream and Milk?)

Kate Reed

Half cream or half & half is yes, half cream and half milk. I think half cream is Canadian though, I’ve never heard anything other than half & half down here except from Canadians. Most half & half is either whole milk or 2% with single cream, but some is now made with skim milk.

steven wiser

I worked at Starbucks for two years, in two different states one off the mag mile, a suburban store with a drive thru and neighborhood store in Chicago. Yes every day was an OTM story.

Dear Child Kicker: Not your fault! I cannot STAND people who let their very short children walk around alone in restaurants. And I have three children. Mine have always been under control in restaurants and we took them out if they weren’t. Little tiny people in restaurants are a safety hazard!

FluffyGhostKitten

Yeah, I refer to that age as the ‘trip hazard’ years. They’re big enough to run around, but small enough to be easily overlooked until it’s too late.

Chris Lehmann

First off, kudos to anyone who uses “host” in that manner. Secondly, where are the poop and vomit stories? As there’s no longer a prohibition of them, I’m waiting for them all.