Can you spot the love of my life right there, glorious in its white and red, lying next to the rice that I brought with me cuz I’m cheena af and cannot survive on fries and burgers foreva.

So recently as yall know, I celebrated the “special” day that reminds me of how I am gradually morphing into an old fart. The only consolation is delicious cake and presents. It has always gotta be the presents. and the buttercream. 😉

Thank you for those of you who took the effort to (ship) (search) (save) (send) me all these presents. Sorry for this post, they came belated but important at the same time so I just have to post them up to show my gratitude.

I really really love all of my presents, have been using them to the maximum including those I received earlier.

Out of all that I want to thank, I want to thank that few viewers of mine who talked to me specially to check if I am okay, especially after that devastating break-up.

Thanks to all of you, for tuning in to my blog, to my stream and always supporting me with your generous compliments and response on my social media. You guys are such a great form of motivation. ❤

I love all of you!

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Went to Manila recently.

SERIOUSLY YOU KNOW HOW WE ALWAYS RAGE AT PINOYS FOR DISCONNECTING OVER BAD INTERNET. I WILL NEVER LAUGH THEM AGAIN. IT REALLY FUCKEN SUCKS.

I lugged my laptop like some retard only to realize I could not even stream a gifon facebook. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK.

So I spent my time eating fried chicken and playing with the police dog outside my hotel. Such is life.

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I will be streaming in a couple of minutes and thus I can’t type too much bullshit right now. Stay tuned!

Ok stab me with a knife. I promised a video of some cooking tutorial for idiots for like THE LONGEST TIME and it has not materialized. I RECEIVED YOUR SLAP IN THE FACE and I swear to god and a lifetime of potatoes that I will do it the very next post WHICH WILL BE BEFORE 27th. I PROMISE OR MY BUTT WILL DOUBLE IN SIZE.

That aside, I am sure you guys saw that lame ass video I posted of “Why you should date a gamer boyfriend”.

I will be coming up with another one shortly. And also let you know what I think about the BEAUTY AND DA BEASTTTTTT. I hope I can manage to grab tickets. You know, I am not those kiasu people who buy 5 years in advance. So… fingers and twat crossed.

In commemoration it has been one month since he left, and for my dear friend ZA who recently lost the love of his life, I hereby dedicate this little post to him and all of the broken hearted ones out there; you are not alone.

I know it’s going to be the same every night before you head to bed, loneliness envelopes you and the devil’s advocate fills your mind with dire thoughts. I know the pillow just seem larger than before without her head resting on it, and your arms feel empty without the familiar embrace.

And throughout the night, your subconscious pass the hours with vivid dreams of desire, of longing, of how things used to be.

Waking up, I daresay to me, it’s the worst. You shoot out of bed with your heart pumping into overdrive. You feel as if you have fallen into an abyss. Of emptiness. Because when the sun rays hit your eyelids, you wake up to know every thing you have dreamt, is everything you want to dream.

That it’s not real. And she isn’t coming back. Your phone is silent. Yes you dreamt of her texting you. You dreamt of her saying she’ll agree to come back into your arms.

I know its going to be hard. We have all cried and lunged wildly at the cruel emptiness, head banging against the wall and screaming gibberish to the air. Until tears choked up your throat and your voice abandons you.

But things that don’t come easy will teach the best lessons. Do something different today. You can do it crying, like I did, but do it with pride. Clean your room. Learn how to bake macarons. Enrol in yoga. I chose the first. HAHA. Albeit my tears sloshing down whilst I dusted my wardrobe, I flopped onto bed, looked around my tidy and beautiful room and feel a sense of achievement.

And I learnt many things from this pain of a heartache. So will you. One of the things you’d learn is acceptance. Accepting that you are good in your own ways and that you should never beat yourself up for it. Unless of course you killed her whole family and cheated with her best friend then I think you ought to die. HAHAHA kidding.

Learn something from this pain. And don’t you ever ever dare to hate her. Alot of people (as like my ex) chose to hate me, to concentrate on the things I did to him (or things he assumed I did to him) and goes around spreading how much he hates me to people around because let’s face it, it’s easier to hate someone you used to love because it hurts lesser, and you move on faster. But it makes you vengeful and self entitled.

Don’t stoop to that level. Hold your head high and say it out loud. Yes, I am not ashamed to admit I still love you. I loved you, and I still do. Yes I am hurt that you left but I don’t ever, for a second, hate you. This will make you grow. It will open your eyes to see what are the things you have done wrong and you learn from it. Banking on other people’s mistakes will only make you deluded from your own.

Then who will it benefit?

Learn from your failed relationship and think about how you can do better next time. But don’t get it mixed up with self blame. I flooded my mind with all the things I could have done for him without realising that I was rationale at that point when I was IN the relationship, that the fact is I HAD done enough for him. There’s a difference between things you could have done but didn’t, and things you do not have to do, but you think it could have made things better. It wouldn’t.

If you gave your heart and loved wholeheartedly, don’t ever blame yourself for things not done and say it was your fault she left. It was nobody’s fault. It’s just so that we grow wiser by the day and we learn more. Our library of “Things that can be done” expands.

I know this sinking feeling in your heart is here to stay for quite a fair bit. But you need to be happy because your parents love you. And your siblings love you too. Even if you are bloody hell homeless and friendless you have me. You will have that someone that cares about you. Or it could be your dog or even the cockroaches that you breed in your room cuz you didn’t clean up. HAHAHA

Smile, and laugh. Okay? Be strong. Because someone out there loves you. And most importantly, you have you.

You are the power you need to be happy. To crack a few jokes. You are the energy that can drive you to do great things. Live better than the you yesterday.

Dont ever underestimate what pain can do to a person. If you channel it correctly, you will be invincible. Life is short, eat that steak and eat two butters to one bread. because you fucking can.

I know like Christmas is long over. It almost feels as though I haven’t been blogging for a year. HA HA.

Thank you for all these lovely gifts. Yes Yes I love all of them to bits and all of these are put to great use. Gracias mucha

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So guys I went to Montigo. Well as you know, your goddess is in poverty so naturally it was my virgin experience. GOD. So beautiful.

I want a house like that. Minus the inaccessibility, minus the ants, minus the cost.

OKAY. I love wordpress abit more now because they have that mosaic option that dumps all your photos into one picture so no one has to scroll endlessly. Not smart enough to be able to allow you to arrange which photos goes which part of the mosaic tho.

I love the bed. Want to bring it back with me. I WAS HAVING SO MUCH FUN LAZING IN THE POOL I WUZ LIEK A MERMAID. JUST IMAGINE you open that fucking glass door and you step out to embrace a god damn lapping pool, in discretion You could be like naked and only the glass panels are judging your body. In that hot weather, you soak up all of that cooling chlorine, IZ AWESOME.

Yes Sorry that photo was just me trying to show you how “sporty” I look. HAVEN’T BEEN DOING ANY SPORTS UNTIL THEN, SO LET ME JUST SHOW OFF MY SPORTY LOOK.

Finish your stay with a really fantastic buffet breakfast. You guys know thats my favorite meal of the day right. Nothing like waking up to bacon, omelettes and toasted bread.

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SO MUCH SO AS YOU CAN SEE MY LOVE FOR GOOD ENGLISH BREAKFAST. It was so good. DO YOU EVEN KNOW how much skills you need to make that perfect omelette? I tell ya bro, your goddess is so good, she can turn the chicken cannibal by feeding it some OF ITS OWN.

A perfect omelette is packed with that solid, real egg substance. No crumbly bits, no overcooked (chinese styled ones) parts and definitely, a smooth smooth appearance. Almost like machine pressed.

When you pry it open, only the cheese drips just a little; not too much. This signifies that the egg has been cooked through and no messy raw eggy liquid is left. BUT, its still moist and tender inside.

I forgot to buy onions and parsley tho.

GOD. A GOOD OMELETTE, GET INSIDE ME ANY DAY.

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I CANNOT STOP LAUGHING EVERYTIME I SEE THIS. Satirical but fuck. Mean jokes are funny because people need a break from humanity. From people who leave comments like “THIS IS NOT FUNNY MY AUNT GOT CANCER”. ??? like ???. You go google every joke and leave a comment like this? Jesus christ. My mum is ill too but we laugh it off CUZ IT DOESN’T MAKE THINGS WORSE.

SO ANYWAY, here is my wish list. Please do let me know what you intend to buy. I KNOW IT SOUNDS LIKE A TRANSACTION BUT, this is to avoid people getting the same stuff without knowing like the previous few times :’D

Thank you all my lovely people. I will bless you with the power of great sarcasm and the ability to fuck someone hard with their clothes on.

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(MY ABSOLUTE WANT) Brahms doll (from the horror show The Boy)

$200 Jeric’s salon voucher / cash

Samantha thavesa large card and coin purse in saffiano leather.

Loccitane hair repair oil and spray

Razer star gazer

Samsung ssd 1 tb (building my desktop)

An aghanim’s scepter necklace

Pandora’s “my princess” ring, size 8

Witch doctor’s drum roll frog

50$ steam credit

Tumi’s backpack in black with gold zips

Muji’s packing cubes and travel duffel

Victoria secret’s medium flat pouch in lace

Drow ranger’s monarch bow

Saffiano leather card holder for lanyard

Victoria’s Secret silken floral scarf

Stream donations to pay my bills 😉

Considering the fact that I chalked up quite abit as well being Santa Claus on Christmas, is it time to get pampered alittle?

COMFORTED A LITTLE? IM ENTERING QUARTER LIFE CRISIS NOW U KNOW?

Goodnight guys.

I made a pun today. I named my excel file which keeps crashing as “NEW SHEETY DOCS”.

I love my idiosyncrasy for absolutely random and stupid stuff.

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Losing grip.

I laced my fingers against yours,
in that hot summer.
The strawberry milkshakes
and a million heartbreaks.

When our bodies entwined,
my heart pulsated and detached,
further from me, closer to you.
It was like electromagnetic field.

I tried to untangle myself
from this horrid mess,
my heart strings they chimed
still unbroken, by time

Your name to my ears,
still grants a bleed
You have gone too far, too far
but i’d die again, to be right where you are.

Please remember to make him coffee every night after work, he likes it with a spoonful (or less) of sugar and it has to be with milk.

He likes head massages, not to hard, slightly ticklish.

I hope you buy him 2 tangoes and ward mid for him. Hes so good with invoker, you’d never want to watch anyone else again.

He likes you to wait for him at home as he comes back from work; give him a hug and don’t let him eat too much macdonalds.

Ferrero Rocher is kind of like the most convenient chocolate that he likes. Buy him plenty because he gobbles everything.

Nuzzle his cheeks and kiss his lips because they are so soft. He’ll love it.

He loves to sleep. But he’ll love to lie beside you whilst you do your stuff. Just be quiet as he is a light sleeper.

Always shower him with praises, because he always think lowly of himself.

I hope you’ll shower him with plenty of patience, love and understanding because he isn’t a social creature. He will keep things in his heart and just drown in his own negative emotions if you don’t ask him over and over again. He’s very insecure but extremely observant, so he knows what you’re thinking and feeling even without you saying it. Watch his Chinese dramas with him, it’ll make him happy. Cuddle him to sleep because he’s a snuggler. Don’t engage in infidelity.. you will really break his heart. And lastly, don’t ever buy him branded stuff. Buy him computer gadgets or steam credits. 😉

I can promise you, if you give him all of the above, he will be the best boyfriend you’ll ever have.

Sadly, fate has it that our affinity has to end. So I hope you can love him more than I had.

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Emptiness seeps in, a relentless trickle,
like death, with his unforgiving sickle.
I wished to unlive, yet at hell’s door,
Satan whispered “Living will torment you more.”

It was that one, of a thousand roses,
that pricked me with such lethal doses.
With our dying waltz, as tears clouded,
I tore his thorns out of skin that smarted.

Was it not, poison that tainted my lung?
The fumes exhaled, of his beauty I sung,
Why had it to be, two in a tragedy,
One to move on, the other with no remedy.

Did we all choose to be in love with pain,
or was it that love definitely came
With one full jug and one bottomless jar,
And the acquiescent heart for the fuller to mar.

Blogging on a sad Saturday night. With the empty room, not even Lycan by my side. Oh… sorrow. Sometimes pain hurts so much we sink into a masochistic thirst for more.

I’d always remember him like a fleeting dream. That night we first met, etched so deep in my head, it’s almost as though that fragment of memory is bent on nestling there, within the depths, to be ever so painfully reminisced, over and over again.

I listened to blue jeans on replay, as the adrenaline from our first ever texts prevented me from catching up on sleep. He was too beautiful, too much of everything that I wanted. Sounds like exaggerated perfection, but no. he stood out; among the chaotic crowd in the way I visioned “him” to be, like the missing jigsaw to my almost complete life.

It was the best time to be in love. It was the best time for US to be in love, with each other. He wanted to be loved, and I wanted to love someone, who actually wants all of my love. All that was overflowing at the brim.

We were like magic together. Like the over-rated romance you see on screen, where the man pins her against the wall and lock lips, tells her that she’s beautiful, watches her do her make up, have crazy, awesome sex and does every single thing every day with no relent.

I miss our relationship, very much. The conversations laced with puns, with synergy and with so much love. I miss so many things that its impossible to go through every day, doing anything without that sardonic jolt as my brain takes me on a trip.

We parted, as like all the ephemeral things, like a snowflake dancing and falling into your open palm. He moved on with life, and so did I. Yet I realized that in my heart, I never truly left our relationship. How do you simply move on from something so perfect? Do you take a winning lottery ticket, toss it into the sea and say “BYE, 1MILLION DOLLARS, BYE~~” Do you give up the job that you love, that loves you back and say “Fuck, I am just going to settle for a <insert irrelevant shitty jobs here>”

Are you wondering why I didn’t say “I miss him” instead, its “I miss our relationship”? Because when you fall in love with someone, it can end up in alot of shitty ass ways. But being in a relationship is different from simply loving someone. Being in love with the relationship is loving how the two of you are together. And I loved that. I loved that so much that it clouded my vision.

You know how people always pat you on the back and say “Cheer up, you will find someone better.” The truth is that everyone is someone better. Everyone is someone worse. All that really matters is whether or not the “better” parts of the someone fits what tickles your fancy.

When I was with that boy, I looked at all his better parts. And I loved them to bits. But I also looked at his worse parts and decided that hey, I can live with that. I embrace that and most importantly, I can fix them.

But now as the words that left his lips perpetually resonates in my head: Move on, don’t cling on ;

I asked myself, why did we had to part? What happened to us? And I realized the answer is that I have been focusing too much on the beauty of our relationship that I have forgotten to remember that beauty is only superficial.