CU-Boulder Students Are Such Stoners That The Student Government Had To Make Campaign Reforms

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The University of Colorado-Boulder administration may have cancelled the school’s most famous stoner event, the 420 smokeout, but don’t worry, the student body is still toking up more than a glaucomic Phish fan. The students still smoke so much, in fact, that apparently it’s affecting student government elections to the point that it forced the CU-Boulder student government to pass campaign reforms.

In past University of Colorado student-government election cycles, candidates have sometimes spent nearly $10,000 on campaigns, trading slices of pizza for votes, parading a pony around campus…

So I assume this is how most voting at the University of Colorado goes…

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(*Two stoners walk out of their dorms*)

Stoner 1: (*coughing*) Oh shit man, I’m fucking baked dude.

Stoner 2: Let’s get some, like Snarf’s…and a cookie cake…and a…a…soda and pie.

Stoner 1: Oh man, I just used the pony as a napkin! It felt aweeeeesome.

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Don’t believe me?

“The easiest way to get votes is to say, ‘Hey if you vote for me, I’ll give you a slice of pizza,'” [student government executive Tyler] Quick said.

The reforms are being put in place primarily to curb campaign spending, and specifically how much money a candidate is allowed to to contribute to his or her own campaign, as that tends to benefit students from wealthier families. More money means more pizza means more votes.

Now, it should be noted that offering pizza to drunks would probably be almost as effective as offering it to stoners. God knows when I’m stumbling around at 2:00 A.M. I’d do some pretty reprehensible things for a pizza. The kind of things that require serious emotional suppression or the legal counsel of Daniel Webster.

Still, if marijuana didn’t play a HUGE role in this, they probably wouldn’t have literally written it in to the reforms.

From here on out, there will be no campaigning in bars, or at parties, or anywhere for that matter where a reasonable person would observe that 75 percent of the potential voters are drunk or high on marijuana.

You hear that potential CU-Boulder student government candidates? You only get so much pizza and you aren’t allowed to use it to trick stoners into voting for you ANYMORE!

Rob Fox (né Bacon) is Director of Video Content and a Senior Writer for Total Frat Move, Rowdy Gentleman, and Post Grad Problems. He is a graduate, without honors, from the University of Missouri. Rob is originally from St. Louis, and currently lives in Austin, Texas. He still has not admitted to his family what he does for a living, and is prone to having wet nightmares ever since losing his virginity in a haunted house. Email: rob@grandex.co