Man To Man: September 25, 2013

Man To Man: This Week's Life Advice From Ian Lang

Welcome to Ian Lang’s advice column, Man to Man, in which he answers your questions about, well, everything. Ian is like the friend/older brother/uncle that you probably have but can’t talk to because he is a real person who would make fun of you and not a benevolent advice-giver on the internet. Got a question of your own for Ian? Email him at theianlang@gmail.com.

Hey Ian,

So, lately my friends have been prodding me to try stand-up comedy. I’m a pretty funny guy, or at least I do a good job of making my friends laugh pretty regularly. The problem is, I don’t know if they’re doing this because they think I would be good at it, or if they secretly want me to crash and burn so they can get another laugh out of me. What do you think? Have you ever tried it? Would you?

- Chris

Hey Chris,

This reminds me of the time I went to a house party a few years back when I lived in Stamford, Conn. Stamford is home to the U.S. headquarters of both RBS and UBS, two huge banks. The chick hosting the party worked at one of them, so most of the party guests were people she knew through work. I figured I could handle that. Investment bankers may be the worst people, but tolerable. Boy, was I wrong. Former investment bankers are the worst people.

The attendees were a pageant of awfulness. Every single one of them was a former banker who left the business to “pursue something more meaningful.” There was a photographer. A writer or two. Two people brought guitars. And yes, among them was a stand-up comic. These people are insufferable because after the 20+ years of achievement required to land a career in banking, they’re under the impression that they’ll be successful at literally anything. I wanted to set that apartment on fire. Of course someone asked the “comic” to stand up and tell some jokes, and he may as well have stood up there and masturbated in front of us for how uncomfortable it was. I would just as soon have had someone stick a glass thermometer in my urethra and then smash it with a rubber mallet.

Anyway, comics are always painted as being lifelong class clowns, and it’s bullshit. It’s like when they try to tell you that Gwyneth Paltrow gets in killer shape for a role by just doing 30 minutes of pilates three days a week. They want you to think it’s really that fun and easy for someone as gifted as them. In reality, being a standup comic is less about being a goofball and more about being both a talented writer and a serviceable actor. The writer part of them has to be able to make observations and craft stories in unique and interesting ways. Think about it: How often do comics harp on women or marriage or whatever? There’s not a lot of new stuff out there, so it’s all in how you spin it. Then the actor in them has to be able to deliver the material with impeccable timing and adequate expression.

So, until you’ve tried it a time or two hundred, you’ll probably bomb terribly. Your friends laugh at your dipsh*t joke about Houston having a black running back named Arian because they know you and have context for your jokes. A comic has to create that context within the first 60 seconds. Not that long ago I considered trying it myself, because I figured I could sit down and write some funny stuff. But then I remembered that even Paul Walker is probably a better actor than me, and he would be lousy at stand-up. I’m not going to tell you not to try new things and follow your dreams, but do so with a full understanding of what you’re about to do.