Kim Kardashian: Fit in Your Jeans by Friday!

YOU GUYS. Summer is almost here! And we all want to get those bikini bodies, or revenge bodies, or break-up bodies or whatever US Weekly is calling them this week. And one Miss Kimberly Kardashian-West is here to get us in our jeans by Friday.

BY FRIDAY.

And you can tell she is a serious fitness-type person because she is wearing a Victoria’s Secret push-up bra with her workout clothes on the cover of this DVD. So you just KNOW it’s going to work like a charm! Just like all of Kim’s marriages, ZING!!!!

sorry, kanye. it’s seems like you two crazy narcissists might just make it! image source: popkey.com

So, I am so excited to give this workout a shot and to see if I can “sculpt” a beautiful backside just like “Kim.” Definitely Kim and this workout. Definitely no one else was involved in the “sculpting” of Kim’s ass.

For the first day (which, incidentally, is a Thursday so I can’t wait to wake up tomorrow and fit into whatever jeans I put on), I decided to do the first booty-sculpting workout. You can’t rush posterior perfection! Plus, that was all I had time for.

THE MUSIC

The music sounds like a really peppy minor disco-ish hit from the early 90s. Lots of “do it for yourself!” zippiness. Pretty much exactly what you would expect from this.

THE SET

I LOVE to do my booty sculpting where I can see all of my favorite things, like my candelabras.

The set looks EXACTLY like when a minor character on a sitcom moves to the BIG CITY to make it in some creative capacity and moves into a GIANT loft that no one would ever be able to afford and the shabby walls indicate to us, the viewers, that it is in a BAD part of town but the place is actually AMAZING and SO UNREALISTIC.

I wonder what the production assistants and set designers thought about while putting the fashion design accessories together on that desk.

Also, there is a rack of clothes, what seems to be a desk for FASHION DESIGNING and the aforementioned candelabras. It’s very Darlene from Roseanne goes to art college in Chicago meets Beauty and the Beast.

THE WORKOUT

The first workout is actually pretty basic, but not terrible. It’s exactly what you would expect it to be for an exercise plan to build up your ass- various squats and lunges. Lucky for Kim, trainer Jennifer Galardi is there to do, well, everything. She does most of the talking and queuing, while Kim says things like “breathe” and “omg” while making sexy blow-up doll faces.

I don’t think Kim closed her mouth between 2007-2011.

CAN WE JUST TALK ABOUT HER FACE?

It looks SO DAMN different now. And I can’t quite put my finger on why?

WHY DO YOU LOOK SO DIFFERENT? It is just the nose? The chin? The eyes? WHAT? image source: usweekly.com

The second workout is similar to the first, except it requires a step, something I neglected to realize. I could still do most of the moves fine without it. This segment was very heavy on side lunges, which Kim says are “like, SEH hard.” I spent most of the time staring at this painting in the background:

abstract art = so deep, y’all

The black part represents the amount of work Kim did for this workout. The white represents the part trainer Jennifer did. At one point, trainer Jennifer (TJ, as I call her) finally mentions fitting in your jeans by Friday in a way that TOTALLY acknowledges how dumb the name of this is. Even Kim gives a sort of listless “yeahhhhhh.”