Want to keep the peace? Work with both of your styles when remodeling, decorating or building new, for a home that feels right to all

No matter how long two people have been together or how much they've endured in their relationship, few things compare to the challenges they face when it comes to redesigning the house. You may think you know your partner inside and out, but strange behavior may occur when you're making seemingly innocuous design decisions. Know this. It is totally normal but can be mildly alarming. To put it bluntly, if you aren’t the only inhabitant of your house, yours isn’t the only design style that counts.

I'd say that 99 percent of the time, redesign happens because one half of a couple decides they’re sick and tired of the way things look or feel. Usually it’s the nester in the pair who grabs the reins. A take-charge attitude can be a great thing, but keep in mind that whether you’re redoing one room or several, every member of your household should feel represented.

It can be nearly impossible to put aside personal prejudices when faced with your mate’s 1980s dorm room sofa. To you it’s an uncomfortable, ugly piece of garbage. To your partner it’s a reminder of being young and single and not caring what anyone else thought about the sofa.

Blending styles, tastes and needs can be tricky. This room shows how beautiful a mixed-style space can be. Adding a little bit of feminine with a dash of masculine creates an elegant and inviting room everyone can feel comfortable in.

My husband has amazing style. He's an art director and a graphic designer, and everything from the way he dresses to the music he listens to is cool. When we got married, I knew I’d need to combine my eclectic, vignette-building style with his clean and modern aesthetic. Moving into our first apartment, we didn’t have anything to sit on, so I bought two large chairs and called it a living room. My husband didn’t love the chairs, but that was OK, because neither did I. I knew they were temporary, so I wasn’t insulted.As time went on I put up art, bought furnishings and moved things around — a lot. I loved the way our space looked, and I thought he did too — until the time we had an argument about the vintage coffee table. I loved that it was black and chippy and looked a little Gothic. He thought it looked like garbage. Ouch.

He pointed out that there was relatively little in the space that actually represented him. I was crushed, but I returned the table. I also took down several large pieces of art and replaced them with stunning works he had squirreled away in his design studio. I started asking opinions before buying, and when he questioned our “need” for something, I knew that meant he really didn’t want to see it in the house.The room shown here is an excellent example of combined styles. It’s industrial, modern, playful, clean and eclectic. It’s also welcoming enough for the owners to host an intimate dinner party or a raucous Super Bowl Sunday. It feels like a combination of likes working together to create a whole home.

Designing can be a very emotional process. You’re changing your day-to-day environment, making countless decisions, solving problems and spending money. There are few things more volatile than expenses in a relationship, and because decor is not always perceived as a necessity (it is for me!), setting expectations ahead of time is critical. Come to an agreement about the basic things such as color, texture and types of furnishings, and go from there.

This room has a fantastic mix of cool tones with a blue foundation. Maybe the pops of red represent one partner's favorite color, while the paneled wall was a joint decision. It's a true mix-and-match style that actually works really well.

Figuring Out What Works

Decide ahead of time what your objective is. Be it a quick refresh or a complete remodel, make sure that you and your partner are on the same page about the project's scope and cost. Unexpected meltdowns may happen during the design process, but you can minimize those by opening the lines of communication:

Decide what stays and what goes. If you’re asking your partner to get rid of things, be prepared to do the same. There has to be a clear give-and-take so no one feels that they’re being pushed out of the home or overrun with the other person's design decisions.

Make a list of things that require both partners’ approval, like a new television or dining room table. Larger purchases are usually a good rule of thumb. If it costs over X amount, both people need to agree.

Decide which items you’re both willing to concede on. If you truly don’t care about electronics but are obsessed with what they sit on, divide and conquer. Not everyone has the same love of throw pillows and picture frames, so figure out which things you can each contribute.

Learn to compromise. In a relationship you both bring unique things to the party. You might not love your partner’s Van Halen record collection, and he or she might hate Shabby Chic. Find a middle ground that you both can live with such as putting the records on display in the family room while working in a few Shabby Chic pieces in the guest bath.

Don’t confuse relationship issues with design dilemmas. A lot of pent-up aggression gets released during times of great change. Painting the living room walls shouldn’t degenerate into an argument over whose mother is worse. Don’t fall prey to stress and exhaustion. Get the rest you need and agree to table deeper discussions until after the redo.

Make decisions with love and respect. As much as you want to love your space when you walk through the door, your partner should love it just as much. Create an environment that reflects who you are as a couple and the life that you want to live. By keeping the lines of communication open, setting expectations and being willing to compromise, you can design a space that truly represents everyone who lives there.

simps214 you can still have stylish furnishings that will withstand your little ones (or big ones!) I just went sofa shopping with a client whose biggest requirement was that it be able to withstand her teenage son's sleepovers and her husband's Super Bowl parties. :) We went with a great Restoration Hardware sofa covered in amazing indoor/outdoor fabric that felt just like woven cotton. It's also pre-treated to be stain resistant! You don't have to sacrifice style for children I promise. I have a kid and she's a pretty stylish girl if I may say so!

My wife jokes that Michael Payne saved our marriage. His HGTV show "Designing for the Sexes" put our conflicts in perspective; by chuckling at other couples conflicts we were better able to work out our own. As with many other aspects of a marriage, if the individuals adopt a "team" concept, the whole is more than the sum of the parts. We sorta lost interest in HGTV after that show ended- Mr Payne was just a mensch.

More than once, I've come back from a client's house and cried. The stress and negativity that happens between some couples not only damages the relationship, it damages the psyche of everyone involved. People say horrible things to one another when they disagree on curtain rods. By anticipating the awesome end result, the difficult process can be a lot less painful.

If it gets that bad, it's not about the curtain rods. But again, to put a positive light on that sort of conflict, if it can be channeled to a synthesis that is much more than each individual would be capable of. What was great about Payne is that he did the work for them- he saw the good in both sides and came up with something better than either party could do by themselves. And he did it with gentleness and grace.

It's true: when partners argue over curtain rods and things get nasty, it's time to sit down and talk.

Thankfully our tastes never differed much. My husband grew up in Copenhagen, my father was an architect, so we always easily agreed on a style I'd call 'warm modern'.

But your ideabook goes far beyond decoration and taste: love, respect, and compromise are essential ingredients for a harmonious partnership, a principle we must not forget while we struggle through everyday life. So thank you for the reminder!

Ugh, I wish I'd had this article a week ago before I went furniture shopping for the first time with my fiance! We had no idea what we were getting ourselves into, and a had a blow out fight on the way home. I 'm pretty sure I failed at each one of these check points and I can see how they would've gone a long way to keeping the peace on our shopping trip.

I would add- if you're going shopping together, know what kind of shopper the other is. He's the kind that will buy the outfit off the manican, I'm the type that has to sort through every possibility before I make a choice. I should've gone on my own, had my preferences set, and THEN brought FH along for input/approval. Instead I wore through his patience in about 30 mins, and I rushed to make a bunch of decisions seeing the storm clouds settling over us.

To find compromises for couples I ask them to give me very specific feedback on Houzz photos, requesting very detailed specifics such as "love the colors but not the rug because it's too busy" or "too formal but love the art".
If the husband wants brown tones but she wants soft blue tones, we might introduce her color in fabric or art and add some rich dark woods for him. It's so exciting when two spouses both love their home!

sunsoakeddreamer I totally feel for you! If it's not too late, I honestly would return whatever you felt pressured to buy and try again. You want to feel that both of you are happy with the purchases. What's awesome is that you realize now ways that it could have gone much better and that's so important! Design is about compromise when it involves more than one person. It doesn't mean you have to hate something the other person loves and one of you "wins," but it means that there is give and take. I've told my client, "Well, you get to have the boldly patterned carpet so I think it's fair that he should get a leather chair." It's so very hard not to be selfish and want our home designed our way but I have seen so many "defeated" people in their homes hating the way their space looks or casting blame by saying, "Well HE chose the sofa." It's true that it 's never just about the curtain rods but these little inequities add up to resentment and it doesn't have to be that way.

Thanks Apartment 46! We both walked away from that day feeling like we'd made a lot of concessions, but now that we've been able to review our purchase on a calmer footing it turns out the only problem was the fabric on one chair. That was something the salesman chose and neither of us liked, and also what started the fight ("I don't know why you picked that crazy chair, what were you thinking?"). Fortunately I put the order on hold when we got home and I'll choose a new fabric tomorrow. Unfortunately, the hurt feelings over something so trivial really stink. And no it wasnt totally about the furniture, fights are very rarely about what you're screaming at eachother about but more usually something that's going unsaid. The trouble is recognizing it and addressing it, harder to fix than fabric on an accent chair, but we're working on it :)

Reading all this I feel like such a selfish so and so. :/
I make most of the decisions, although it has to be said that most of our furniture has been going for a long, long time, particularly the antique pieces -haha
Deep down my husband is a bit of a modernist and when I moved in with him he also had some antiques, which he also likes.
I am an english country style/vintage/shabby chic lover.
Our home is eclectic in the true sence but extreme modernism is only allowed in his home office.
If truth be told and he were to do the home design, we might still be sitting on 30 yr old sofas and cardboard boxes for a coffee table. Colour on the walls would be what previous occupant of the house chose, etc etc You get the gist.
In the end he holds the purse strings and I paint the walls, make curtains, clean the house, cook, so I believe its only right that I have a bit more say in the style of our home.
He loves it, really. ;-)

Patricia I love your post. I hesitate to say this because I totally know it's a generalization but usually (not always), men are very practical and are driven to make decisions based on two questions: What does it cost? and Why do we need it? These are great questions for people like me because I love what I love and there is not price tag on love. Lol. So, when navigating the very tricky world of design for couples, I always put it out there up front that yes, the sofa is still totally functional but it kills the wife's spirit to look at it every single day. It's not wrong to say that sofa is "fine" but it's not right to insist that being "fine" and being "livable" are one in the same. Some people are very deeply affected by their surroundings. My home is my "safe" place and it has to be right. When I go out into the world I feel very exposed. Understanding that some people see new purchases as unnecessary from a financial standpoint --and I have to say they're right, even though I'm a designer--others view purchases as important as breathing because they cannot stand to see things they hate day after day. Getting to the emotional aspects behind design helps couples not only deal with design better but it also helps them understand each other better.

Thank you Apartment 46 for the home.
Yah and to stretch the generalisations, us wimmin (that's women) are the homemakers. Haha.
I'm rather lucky that my husband isn't too butch and appreciates generally what I do with the home styling. In essence our tastes are not so different after all unless we go to our extreme style fantasies. If one of us really dislikes something and it is something prominent, it just doesn't come into the house.
But I have seen it plenty of times before with friends and family where it can be really tough to marry up the different tastes. My brother and his partner are constantly in a battle of wills concerning their interior. Sheez. And in the end they stagnate and nothing gets ever done or completed.
I'm lucky and I know it !

Great advice. My husband and I am pretty much on the same page but we both have no problem telling each other if we don't like something. I think its most difficult in the beginning when you are blending two households and things look out of wack until you find your blended style.

I'm dreading this cropping up in my future. My home is INCREDIBLY important to me and the honest truth is that I am not interested in "working in" anyone else's style! Growing up, my dad didn't care about design, only cost, so mum got to decorate how she wanted, but she had to kowtow on price and it took forever to get dad to give the okay on a much-needed reno (i.e. ten years waiting for kitchen!) My dad is also crazily unobservant - we've painted entire rooms without him even noticing.

Because of that, I'm accustomed to the idea that the female half rules the roost with regard to design. However, I'm also independent and well-paid, so I won't need to coax someone else to open the purse strings! Those things combined make it even less likely that I will be willing to compromise =S

Ah Jess, you are a girl after my own heart. :) There is a lot to be said about how beds, dressing rooms, bathrooms, etc. were separate up until the 50's. There are still many couples who require their own bathrooms, sinks, closets, offices, and that speaks volumes to how we truly are creatures of habit. I don't want anyone messing with my style either! I was traumatized by having to blend my style, and it's a work in progress all the time. We like what we like. No one is going to convince me that I could learn to love Chintz or a recliner. I hate recliners. I also want to die when I see a treadmill in the living space but that's another story. To every two people who are perfectly matched style-wise with their mates, there are a hundred that aren't. You could always do the Tim Burton/Helena Bonham Carter thing and live next door to your mate. :) They have made that work for decades!

LOL. I think a lot of females are nesters and a lot of males are just give me a sofa, table, big screen TV, shower, and toilet. Now they want urinals and man caves with wine/cigar rooms. Be careful what you ask for.He may want more too.

@Melissa/Aparment 46, I've only just noticed that you are one and the same. Doh !
Recliners are one of my pethates too. Especially the bulky ones with space for a beer, tv dinner and the remote controles.
The dreaded threadmill ! My best friend has one in her livingroom and she's a she ! And , she lives alone. Usually there is a pile of laundry draped over the threadmill. eek! I sometimes just want to go in all guns blazing and freshen the place up with a lick of paint, the treadmill vanished to the shed and her laundry somewhere to the bottom of her wardrobe in a pile (like I do it) ;-)
Sittingrooms need to be lived in, but there are bounderies.

A client of mine said it best when told me, "I didn't realize how negatively my psyche was affected by all of the clutter and ugliness until you made it fresh and clean. Now, I am actually happier, more relaxed and definitely more proud of the space I live in."

When I married my husband, he had a houseful of very expensive arts and crafts style Stickley furniture throughout the entire house. The house was a bungalow style, so it all fit together well, and while I have an appreciation for it, it's just not my style, which is a more eclectic, light/airy and soft (talk about diametrically opposed!!). We have since had 4 children and moved out of that house, a colonial, and the Stickley doesn't work well here. Alas, we can't justify getting rid of tens of thousands of dollars worth of furniture (and he doesn't really want to). This house is a hodgepodge of stuff--nothing that flows together from one room to the next, and I hate it!!!

I can relate! Designers don't call themselves "marriage counselors" for nothing! If the first meeting involves both halves of a couple, I can generally tell if they will have difficulty blending styles and wish lists or not. Here is what I have found to be somewhat true:
The younger the couple, the more "input" the male half seems to require. Frankly, when this turns to a situation where she is nearing tears and we've not yet even begun,.....I say this: "Bob, of course you want to love your home! But let me ask you this. Please tell me the last time you were a dinner guest and left that home saying " I wonder why JACK picked that powder room wallpaper??? It is still presumed in our society, that the home and its interior comfort, cleanliness, and STYLE, are the domain of the woman who inhabits it, and thus reflects her tastes and homemaking skills" So Bob, like it or not, a guy will drive past your home, and say "Gee, he must be doing really really well!!! , I wonder who did his landscaping"? Those who enter......see what I mean?" : ) So where you can defer painlessly, it is worth consideration. In interior "happiness" of a different sort"
The more midlife couple? That often seems to be a case of they've been together for more than two decades, she is a great hostess, has raised "his " kids, supported his career, and seems to be captain of a very comfortable ship. They consult one another, and he writes checks but only wants to know where the tv will be, or if the kitchen has a spot for enough wine, the total budget,, and the timeline. He is less tightly wound about the whole process, small decisions he doesn't want to be consulted on, and she wants him happy, and he wants her very happy and there is much less angst in any case.
The couple who is fifty-five to sixty and hasn't done one thing in thirty years, and are in the home for all that time. See first couple. Much harder : ) They have both had a wish list for decades......and have had their stuff for that long as well.
Engineers are exceptions in all cases, and I would just say to designers: you know you must ALWAYS have a scale ruler in your bag....and it helps to have a CAD program, and nerves of steel. Along with a tongue that is bite proof.

When we moved into our new home, we discussed what patterns we did not like. Hubby's no's were floral, paisley, and plaids. Mine are ikat and chevron. We combined our love of history and are both completely satisfied with.... ticking stripes!

I have never commented on anything on houzz before but this discussion kept me reading the whole was through. I'm cheering on sunsoakeddreamer, think summiluz got it right when stated "if it gets that bad it's not about the curtain rods" and loving all of apartment46for the homes comments which truelly put her in the catagory of designer/marriage counselor! Keep up the good work apartment46, I think you have saved many a marriage/future marriage some rough decorating roads!

@JessDixon,
Well hon, you are clearly young! : ) My prediction is you will either wind up with a metro type who shares your design passion and you will have met over a mutually coveted lamp in a store in a cool neighborhood, and ps the subsequent red wine spills of life will cause major anxiety/ angst for both of you. Or, you will couple up with someone who says "yes dear" or " grunts I don't care" to every single important question in your life, but you will have the much coveted total control over EVERYTHING, and you will also divorce him out of total boredom and his irritating wimpiness. Or he will leave you for a lesser woman who makes him feel the man he always wanted to be. Most folks end up happily somewhere in between, or learn to get there soon enough. In all aforementioned scenarios, be very careful what you wish for is all I can say. But alas, I am decades your senior, a designer, and what the heck do I know???

I've been married a long time and don't buy furniture or big ticket items without my husband. Though I know more about design and decor if he is going to sit, live in it or lay on it he also has to be comfortable. He's also a man who knows what he likes and what he doesn't when he sees it so I do the preliminary shopping and then bring him along for his input. This has worked well for us.

Great article. I so feel for the professionals who have to be marriage counsellors when they're just trying to get a project done. Exhausting!

One thought in my experience that has been a bit of an issue (ahem) is determining the exact meaning of, "I don't care." Depending on the context, with my DH, "I don't care" means anything from "Get whatever you want" to "I can't believe you think you want that utter piece of crap but I'm too tired of this topic to say so right now."

Note that with that latter meaning, when he DOES have the energy, say, when it's been delivered, we may be in for one of those bad, bad conversations.

I've learned to use the equivalent of the pain scale..."On a scale of 1 to 10, where 1 is, 'I'd rather sleep in my car than look at it' and 10 is, 'I would sell a kidney to own this,' what do you think?"

Anything lower than a 7 needs to be re-evaluated!

To be clear, my husband is a lovely man and not particularly fussy, but I have learned to keep asking for more information because some things ARE important to him and even after 23 years, I don't always predict them correctly!

As has already been mentioned, showing your partner photos of relevant rooms or vignettes, getting his reaction, then getting him to specify what he does or doesn't like about- it, is extremely helpful. My husband has typically chosen to leave the design up to me and usually been happy with the results but when he isn't, he can't always pinpoint why. Getting him to focus, asking the right questions of him, not only gets to the heart of the matter, but reminds him that I value his comfort, contentment., and opinions.

@Jess Dixon Don't worry! You might get lucky and end up with someone with the same taste. We've been decorating our house since we moved in five years ago and the only thing we ever disagreed on was wall mounted vs pillar taps. We took a cardboard box, cut holes in it, 'installed' the taps on it and took photos, and it didn't take long for one of us to come around. My husband often knows what I will like before I do. We're a team. (This made wedding planning really easy too.)

I don't think it would've made any difference for my husband & me. Like most couples, we are polar opposites when it comes to design. He likes clean simple modern lines in everything with symmetry. Although I can live with that aesthetic, I gravitate towards texture, colors, mixing patterns & wood finishes as well. When we moved into our 2nd house & 4 years later, we had to go shopping since the house was much larger. We couldn't agree on the color scheme, rugs, or furniture of any piece. It was so mentally exhausting. He didn't like anything & he always wanted to buy everything in pairs. He had to match all the wood finishes & didn't like patterns of any sort for the pillows or rugs. See my dilemma? But like most women, I didn't want to live in this gorgeous house & not love it. So I went ahead & started to decorate without his input. He was obviously upset but if I had to wait for something he liked, our home would never be finished. I'm happy to say that I've gotten lots of compliments on our home...even from a few men! Now that the house is "finished", whenever I get that itch to decorate, I'll ask for his opinion but I still make the final decision.

Of course I can only comment and offer advice based on my own experiences and what happens in my daily practice, but as with anything, there are always going to be "triggers" in a relationship and decorating is definitely one of them. Some people weather it perfectly, and some definitely don't.

@Rugo Stone LLC, this is actually a really common dilemma and I've dealt with it a number of times. It goes back to the fact that furniture you have is "functional" and in your case, it was expensive. This isn't anyone's fault, but just because something is expensive doesn't mean it works or that you like it or that it should be in your home. It's a shame that it can't translate perfectly into the new space but what I do with every one of my clients is decide what items are costly enough for us to consign with a reputable dealer or sell outright. This way, money is being recouped on the purchase that doesn't work and it takes a lot of the sting out of it. I also strongly suggest (force?!) my clients to have a garage sale. It's another way for them to make some money, move things that have no use to them and after all the work it takes to set up and run a garage sale, they are SO much more careful about buying tons of new stuff. So with Stickley, there are a lot of people that really love it, and if you put it up online for sale you could probably move it really quickly and buy things that better suit the space. It's important for your husband to know that is isn't about him having "bad" taste or making bad choices, it's just that those same things don't work in the new space. It is what it is but it's NOT a personal insult.

@baclisa, this situation is heartbreaking and I've seen it only once where a husband really wanted to be involved in every decision but he was not able to be decisive, questioned all the choices that were presented and dragged things out for so long (1 year and the chandelier still isn't purchased) that the wife gave up. She literally surrendered and that's so sad to me. She is in the house 80% of the time and should be surrounded by a space that she loves. His style is so ingrained into his persona that he was not willing to explore other choices or ideas and yet, she was miserable. This isn't rare, and it happens all the time to different degrees and it can be a really serious situation. I am not trained nor qualified to be a true counselor and I can only guide and suggest with love and respect for both people but I have been known to pull away from a situation that was too deep for a designer to handle and suggest they see someone. At base level, I'm a human being wanting to create beautiful things for other human beings, whether that's through my design aesthetic, advice, kindness or knowledge.

Our motto is: If we build a beautiful home (we are building) and in the end we hate each other and are separated, then we have failed miserably!

This motto is especially helpful to me as I am a stubborn, opinionated designer. He is equally stubborn and we often clash in our ideas. BUT our goal is to love each other when our house is done. This helps me relax and see that his different ideas are not so horrible and actually make the house more interesting.

The home should be oasis for all its inhabitants. The centerpiece should be love...

Woops-this was supposed to be a comment about the clutter article. Sorry. Look up the Flylady on the internet for help with clutter and housework routines. It changes lives. It all starts by cleaning your kitchen sink every morning, setting a timer for 15 minutes to start on your clutter "hotspots", and grows from there to having a company ready house at ALL times. It might take a few years, but everything worthwhile takes time. You can't see good design if your kitchen counters are covered in garbage.

Three ways in which my husband and I have managed to get through an entire house build and decorate with minimum drama:

1. I can visualise, he can't. So I do a pre-shopping to narrow everything down to a few options and then we decide together

2. Whoever cares the most about a space or topic gets to lead the decision making. He made all the decisions on the media wall and cabinetry, I got the kitchen

3. The 'how important is your point of view' test. If we disagree on something we rate the degree to which our own opinion is important to us, on a scale from 1 to 3. Whichever one of us feels the most strongly about their point of view gets to make the final decision. It helps us to step away from the emotion of wanting to each get our own way and allows for rational assessment. Interestingly, it has always worked out. We've never both had 3's on a decision!

Excellent article, Melissa. All of your points make sense, and I remember watching "Designing for the Sexes" with Michael Payne. He was a champ! As a professional designer, I used to always come down on the side of the "decision maker," just because it was easier for me that way. After watching Michael work with clients, I learned something--both parties need to be happy in the space. At the moment, I have a late middle-aged couple where the husband has way better taste than the wife, and also controls the purse-strings. But she's the "decision maker." He calls her "the war department." If mama ain't happy, ain't NOBODY happy. I have started using a questionnaire of "mood tags" and "style tags" that I give to each spouse, and base my designs on those areas where their ideas intersect. I also show them lots and lots of photos during the "design development" phase. It's extremely important to me that my clients are happy and satisfied with the final results. It sometimes takes more time, but the end result is worth it.

I'm so inspired by all the helpful ideas on this thread and all the honesty that's come out. Digging deep into what both people like and don't like BEFORE a professional is called in is incredibly important. All the problems won't be solved but a lot of headway can be made so that couples can get the most out of what a professional has to offer. On the other hand, if a couple isn't able to come to an agreement on anything, that may be the best reason to call a professional in the first place. Just getting a consultation and some high-level guidance can do so much to help make things click.

It is more than just design that determines what people want to have in a space. My husband and I married fairly recently, but we both had our own homes and lots of family heirlooms, collections, and sentimental favorites. We now live in the house he lived in before we married, but over the past three years I have been gradually getting more of my taste/belongings incorporated into what begins to feel like "our home" and not just 'his house'. It is most difficult for him to let go of things he and his first wife selected for a previous house. (He was a widower when we met.) We had one fairly strenuous disagreement over using my dining room furniture instead of his, but I finally insisted, because mine matched the lines of our living room furniture and the style of the house, while his did not. He still grumbles occasionally about how much "better" his furniture was, but he also admits that the house looks better now that I have been making most of the decorating decisions. I think it matters that you acknowledge the emotions behind the desire to have certain items in your decor. I have a fair amount of furniture I would never have chosen myself, but I also have a mate who I am pretty happy with, so it's worth the compromises. I am also finding that over time he is deciding to get rid of things on his own, which means it isn't a source of conflict for us. This is evolution, not revolution!

@Anina Salerno_Aita: A previous post mentioned "This is SO not about curtain rods!" When couples come together from previous marriages, my first piece of advice is "Sell your homes and buy a new one." That way you can start on neutral territory, and don't have all the old ghosts impacting your choices. In this market, that isn't always possible, but I have two dear friends who moved into their new husband's homes (both men were widowers), and it has been a tortuous, uphill battle for both of them, for years! If you are only "pretty happy" with your mate, it sounds like you are experiencing the same battle. My heart goes out to you. It's hard enough when both parties in a couple brings their housefuls of furniture to a new, neutral house, but at least when that happens, I can be the "bad cop," to help referee which items are best suited to the new space.

@Emery & Associates Interior Design: Battle is too strong a term, for us. He's a great guy, and I have my own multiple sets of family heirlooms that I can't figure out how to part with, so he's not the only one with "baggage". We live on a really beautiful piece of land with lake frontage, so I was more than willing to tackle the territorial issues that came with the decision to move there. I would love to be able to donate most of the contents of the house to Good Will and start over, but life as a couple doesn't work that way, expenses aside. We are having fun redoing our master bedroom right now, to be followed immediately by a complete redo of our family/office/exercise area. A lot of editing is taking place! I think that may be the key--focus on one space, figure out what works in it, and get rid of what does not. Spring has arrived, and the dumpsters will soon be in bloom here! (Along with bequests to thrift shops, etc.)

This was a great article, thank you houzz for providing inspiration, imagination, and integrity of your images! We are in the process of remodeling our dream home and I found this article invaluable to our differences.

@Anina Salerno_Aita you are so right when you say it's not always about design. In fact, I'm writing a new piece on starting over and finding your design style when a household divides, or in your case, blossoms new. The vestiges of past relationships, emotions, and memories are very hard to deal with and it's not something usually considered when two people are falling in love. I have worked with a couple who had been previously married and the one non-negotiable I felt they should have was a new bed. Both felt that it was important to not harbor "ghosts" or energies of past-relationships in their lives. Even if one doesn't believe that objects can carry energy, I think everyone agrees that looking at something that annoys you day in and day out causes YOU to feel negative, which translates into an argument, which can then be construed as "carrying bad energy". Those are the items that need to be dealt with and sometimes just changing them significantly (reupholster, paint, re-purpose) does the trick without increasing any spending.

@deniseneedham just keep in mind every day that house should reflect you both, that men make decisions for much different reasons than women do and that what is built will be an achievement for your life to come. :)

Just returned from a seminar on estate planning -- there are important decisions to make in life, and design decisions tend to be the ones that are given last place, when they should be considered along with everything else, but not at the expense of a secure future for oneself, one's children, or other loved ones. No one needs to be spending more money than they can afford on design, except of course to buy that new bed! That was my first gift-in-lieu-of-rent to my boyfriend who became my spouse. I also agree wholeheartedly that the one who cares most about a design choice should be the one leading the decision making for that choice. A house full of compromises makes no one happy. Unless, of course, it's the mattress. There is no compromise when it comes to how well you sleep. As for the design of the headboard, that is a different matter. My friend wanted a contemporary bed, and his partner wanted a sleigh bed. Knowing that they were not in their final home, I pointed out that a sleigh bed adds length, especially in a queen size. They ended up with a tall headboard, sleigh style, and a squared footboard -- with storage underneath - a wise decision. And so affordable that if it doesn't work in a space they can sell it and start over. For the duvet they chose a true compromise as well. A traditional pattern, but accomplished in blue on white with a brushstroke. Brilliant choice. They have also remained with primary colors -- red, blue, yellow -- a layer of color that makes even rental housing look good. He likes black; she likes white. I am confident that their homes will always be interesting, lively, and filled with love.

Great post - as a designer I see this too. But interestingly enough some spouses just don't care. For instance my own husband just doesn't care much about home décor. If it looks "good" meaning it's well designed in general, he doesn't have a strong opinion. He wants a comfortable bed to sleep in and a comfortable chair to sit in and he wants to meet an overall budget for a particular space. I've met clients who have one spouse or the other like this too. And that's all right too. Whatever works. I've tried in some cases to engage one spouse that has not wanted to be engaged... I've even said to a spouse "please, do speak up" or "and what do you think?" and gotten no response or just "it's nice, good job." and that does happen. As a good design principle, I try to design spaces that are not overtly "masculine" or "feminine" but are beautiful so mostly anyone feels good or comfortable in them. But I have indeed had clients with different style and when they describe tha tstyle to me, I deliberately try to incorporate elements of each of their style and that often works. So perhaps another good piece of advice might be - if you can - consult a designer for help :)

I am a Luxury home builder in the Main Line suburbs of Philadelphia. My wife is a well known designer (Ani Semerjian / Semerjian Interiors. We certainly had the boxing gloves on when we built our own house. We were just featured in Philadelphia Style Magazine. We both have strong opinions........You see how we dealt with this issue as a builder and designer building our own home. http://www.semerjianbuilders.com/category/4/press/blog.pl

@Semerjian Buidlers, I am speechless. I'm discussing trying to get a chandelier bought that seems opulent enough for the husband but still feels modern and chic enough for the wife and you and your wife created a gorgeous estate! I do not think there would be any chance on this earth my husband and I would have survived it! :) We'd have to build side-by-side houses and visit one another. Thank you for sharing!

We are an experienced TV production company exploring these scenarios in a new TV show. Do you and your spouse have opposing design styles? Do you want to start a renovation but are afraid of the headaches that you will have to endure to just get it done? Want an expert to guide your opposite styles into a coherent beautiful space? Please contact us @ info@jvproductions.ca

I have the opposite problem! My husband has covered the rental house with his stuff. So far all the space I have is a spot over the kitchen door and the bottom shelf of the bookcase. You can't even tell I live here...