Car Talk

We’re in the market for a new car. This is not going to be fun.

Mostly, we’re trying to convince them that we’re not planning on buying a car today. That seems to be the main reason we’re here.

Our car is at a stage where the pieces just randomly fall off.

We’ve kind of gotten used to this place. It’s sort of like a normal office, with desks and copy machines, but then all of a sudden, right in the middle of the room, there are these big, shiny cars, like someone was running late to work and drove in through the wall. I find this very impressive, because I can’t even make room for my car in my garage, let alone in the middle of my place of work. Of course, I do most of my work in the corner of my living room.

There’s also a waiting room here, with donuts. I don’t know if they’re kosher – I assume they’re not, if for no other reason than that it’s always better for my health to assume that any donuts I see are not kosher. But I’m wondering what the mentality is behind the free donuts. Is anyone coming in and going, “Well, once we’re here for the donuts, we might as well buy a car”?

We’re going to buy a car either way eventually, because our car is at a stage where the pieces are constantly falling off, one at a time, and getting replaced. In fact, I believe it’s mostly machine at this point. So my wife decided that it would be a good idea for us to visit several dealers and test-drive some cars. I came along, even though I really don’t see the point of test driving. The way I see it, all cars drive well when they’re brand new. But I came along anyway, because to me, the main point of test driving, especially since we’re looking for a small, fuel-efficient car, is to sit in each of the seats and see if I fit. But really I can do this in the showroom, what with all the cars parked here.

I really don’t want to waste this salesperson’s time if we’re not buying anything today. That’s why I thought it was really weird that he was so relaxed about how long we took for our test drive. “Shouldn’t we be getting back?” I kept asking. “Nah,” he said.

We’re pushing off buying the car because once we decide we’re going to do it – and we know this because we’ve done this before – we’re going to have to take part in the official car-buying ceremony, which takes at least three hours and requires the salesperson to get up and wander off no less than 38 times. I think this is what happens when you have donuts in the back room. He has one job, and that is to sell cars, but they don’t let him keep any of the forms that he needs at his desk. So sad.

First you agree to buy the car, and he says, “Okay, let me ask my manager”. Apparently, his manager is very possessive of the cars, and doesn’t really want to sell them. So this salesperson has to bring the manager our case, and let him know that we’re really nice people who are going to give his car a good home.

Then he comes back and says, “My manager begrudgingly agreed to part with the car, but now we have to talk about price.” This is despite the fact that there’s a price on the sticker on the car, and that at some point during the test drive, he actually mentioned a price, which for some reason was not the same as the one on the sticker. So what’s the price? He doesn’t know. He has to leave again to ask his manager, who apparently is located in Wyoming. I guess the subject of price didn’t come up when he was telling his manger that we wanted to buy the car in the first place. He was just so excited that we were actually buying one.

Right. In any given year, he has six models of cars that he’s selling, and every day he tries to sell those same six cars, but he doesn’t know the price or how much he can go down. Uh huh. I used to work at an appliance retailer. We sold thousands of models, and we had a database that told us how much we got each unit for, how much we were supposed to sell it for, and how much we could let the customer negotiate down to if he really begged us and was our boss’s father. So I don’t know what’s going on back there. But then he comes back and gives us a third number that is definitely higher than the one he gave us before. So we start to negotiate.

Negotiating is a big part of buying a car. There are very few other businesses like that. You don’t walk into a grocery and go, “Okay, orange juice. How much do you want?”

“Three dollars.”

“Three dollars? I’ll give you a dollar.”

“Sir, it’s three dollars. What are you doing?”

“Can I test drink it?”

“No.”

“Okay, two dollars.”

“Look sir, you’re holding up the line. I’ll give it to you for $2.50 just to get you to stop.”

“Sold! Okay, the next thing in my shopping cart is butter.”

I actually can’t negotiate at all. First of all, I don’t know how to make a guy think that even though I’ve been sitting in his cubicle for three hours, I’m willing to walk out with nothing. Also, I’m too eager to please. I’d be like, “Fifty bucks off? Are you sure?” So I’m actually afraid that he’d convince me to buy two cars. So I’m a lousy person to have on your side in a negotiation. Thankfully, my wife is a lot better at it.

So you make an offer, or your wife makes an offer while you try to avoid eye contact with him, and the guy tells you that this is the lowest offer he has ever heard in his entire life, but he’s going to bring it to his manager anyway. And then he disappears, or possibly goes home for the night.

Then he comes back, his tie all askew, and he tells you that he begged his boss to let the entire company, as well as himself, make less money so they can be nice to a total stranger, and that they’re actually going to sell it to you for “slightly” more than that, even though they’re losing money on the deal. Although if you ask me, that doesn’t sound very financially responsible. At the appliance place, if someone wanted something for less than that minimum price, we would tell him to go swimming. We’re here to make a living – not to provide the world with appliances.

And then he walks off again. I don’t know where he’s going, but at this point I suspect that he’s going off on test drives with other customers.

“Shouldn’t we be getting back? I feel bad keeping you!”

“Nah.”

So he comes back, and then he tells us about taxes, and something called a “$750 Destination Charge”, as well as several other charges that a supermarket could never get away with.

So I find that dealers are actually pretty honest in the sticker price. You negotiate them down a few thousand dollars, agree on a deal, and then they tack on their other fees, and -- What do you know? You’re back up to the sticker price!

So we’re hoping we can finish paying it off before it’s time to replace our other car.

About the Author

Mordechai Schmutter writes a weekly humor column for Hamodia, a monthly humorous advice column for The Jewish Press, and a comic strip for The 20s and 30s of Brooklyn. He is also the author of the books, Don’t Yell “Challah” in a Crowded Matzah Bakery, A Clever Title Goes Here, This Side Up, Cholent Mix, and What Is This - Some Kind of Joke? all published by Israel Book Shop. In his spare time, which doesn't exist, he attempts to teach Language Arts to a bunch of high school guys, most of whom are usually too upset that he showed up on any given day to even pay attention to his lessons. He is also available to do stand-up comedy. He lives in New Jersey, but no longer remembers why.

My nephew is having his bar mitzvah and I am thinking of a gift. In the old days, the gift of choice was a fountain pen, then a Walkman, and today an iPod. But I want to get him something special. What do you suggest?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Since this event celebrates the young person becoming obligated in the commandments, the most appropriate gift is, naturally, one that gives a deeper understanding of the Jewish heritage and enables one to better perform the mitzvot! (An iPod, s/he can get anytime.)

With that in mind, my favorite gift idea is a tzedakah (charity) box. Every Jew should have a tzedakah box in his home, so he can drop in change on a regular basis. The money can then be given to support a Jewish school or institution -- in your home town or in Israel (every Jews’ “home town”). There are beautiful tzedakah boxes made of wood and silver, and you can see a selection here.

For boys, a really beautiful gift is a pair of tefillin, the black leather boxes which contain parchments of Torah verses, worn on the bicep and the head. Owning a pair of Tefillin (and wearing them!) is an important part of Jewish identity. But since they are expensive (about $400), not every Bar Mitzvah boy has a pair. To make sure you get kosher Tefillin, see here.

In 1944, the Nazis perpetrated the Children's Action in the Kovno Ghetto. That day and the next, German soldiers conducted house-to-house searches to round up all children under age 12 (and adults over 55) -- and sent them to their deaths at Fort IX. Eventually, the Germans blew up every house with grenades and dynamite, on suspicion that Jews might be in hiding in underground bunkers. They then poured gasoline over much of the former ghetto and incinerated it. Of the 37,000 Jews in Kovno before the Holocaust, less than 10 percent survived. One of the survivors was Rabbi Ephraim Oshri, who later published a stirring collection of rabbinical responsa, detailing his life-and-death decisions during the Holocaust. Also on this date, in 1937, American Jews held a massive anti-Nazi rally in New York City's Madison Square Garden.

Love comes from "giving to someone." When you do altruistic acts of kindness, you are giving the other person part of yourself. You will therefore feel love for the recipient of your acts of kindness - because you will find yourself included in the other person and you will identify with him. Just as you love yourself, so too will you love the other person.

The ultimate level to strive for is that even if someone wrongs you, you will view it the same as if someone's right hand accidentally cut their own left hand. Of course while you will try to prevent this from happening, you will not take revenge on your own hand!!

The degree of love as you have for yourself is the degree of love we should have for others.

Today, think of a specific person who would gain greatly from your being more giving. (If you can't think of anyone, that person might be you...)

Although actions generally have much greater impact than thoughts, thoughts may have a more serious effect in several areas.

The distance that our hands can reach is quite limited. The ears can hear from a much greater distance, and the reach of the eye is much farther yet. Thought, however, is virtually limitless in its reach. We can think of objects millions of light years away, and so we have a much greater selection of improper thoughts than of improper actions.

Thought also lacks the restraints that can deter actions. One may refrain from an improper act for fear of punishment or because of social disapproval, but the privacy of thought places it beyond these restraints.

Furthermore, thoughts create attitudes and mindsets. An improper action creates a certain amount of damage, but an improper mindset can create a multitude of improper actions. Finally, an improper mindset can numb our conscience and render us less sensitive to the effects of our actions. We therefore do not feel the guilt that would otherwise come from doing an improper act.

We may not be able to avoid the occurrence of improper impulses, but we should promptly reject them and not permit them to dwell in our mind.

Today I shall...

make special effort to avoid harboring improper thoughts.

With stories and insights,
Rabbi Twerski's new book Twerski on Machzor makes Rosh Hashanah prayers more meaningful. Click here to order...