Oh, who are you kidding? The sparkling white hankie is just a strategem to draw attention to your eye region so we notice how FABULOUS you look in glasses! So fabulous I have to ask: Is it really you? If so, wow! Either the lenses completely mask the raccoon thing happening under your eyes, or somebody's had some work done.

Your Holiness, sorry to go "off topic," but I have pressing concerns about the state of my soul. In your religion, where do extraterrestrials go when they die? I've met so many sweet and gracious people here on Earth, I'd hate to think we go different places when we die!

On my world, we worship Obrah, a giant, fat, black spider who rewards the faithful and devours all sinners. Oh, and all males, too. She has quite the appetite, our Obrah. I wonder how She would get on with your Jehovah?

Your Holiness, I should like to bring to your attention the plight of one of your faithful, Mel Gibson, a mutual friend of mine. He's being threatened by the lawyers of some poseur named, preposterously, 'Mel Gibson.' Divine intervention would be richly deserved, and positively delightful. We all know how much the Lord loves to smite lawyers.

If you can get a little verification certificate, I am willing to be your EBAY agent. I can get you thousands for these little pieces of cotton. Any chance the little beanie could be auctioned - I might bid on that myself!

Dear Mr. Pope, Who, exactly do you think you're fooling. You're not dabbing sweat. Its a brilliant cover to disguise the fact that what you're reading moves you to tears. I thought Popes didnt have to be macho?