This seems really important. You’ll be shocked to know that I’ve been thinking about food a lot these last few days. For one thing, I’ve been invited to a cookie exchange that I can’t possibly go to because oh my word, I DON’T NEED COOKIES, but I can’t bring myself to say a definitive no and get off the group thread because people keep getting on explaining what kind of cookies they’re going to make, in compelling detail, and I just can’t tear myself away.

I Don’t Ever Make Cookies. Ever. When cookies have to be made they have to be made by Matt. That is the meaning of my marriage. Which is important for me because apparently men, once they get married, do even less housework than you thought possible. I’m going to start keeping an hourly log of how much housework everyone does around here, because I’m deeply curious to know how annoyed I should actually be.

So anyway, I thought it might really help you to know how I, just like Gwenyth Paltrow and Meghan Markle and all those other people I’ve never heard of, ease myself into the day. “Hmmm,” you may be asking yourself, “what kind of impressive morning drink does Anne concoct for herself that makes her skin sparkle with that gray Binghamton glow? What does she do?”

Well, let me tell you. What I do is, I set my alarm for 4:30 which, when it goes off, alerts my husband to get up out of his comfortable chair and turn on the kettle. That’s because, being exhausted the night before, and a knave and a fool, I forgot to fill up my clever tea making device. Then, when the water has finally boiled, because I cried out that I was definitely going to perish, he dumps it over a bag of dark black tea that diffuses its silent life giving flavor into the pot. He plunks it next to my bed which alerts me to turn on France En Direct so that I can lie in the dark and listen to the French freak out about their politically clueless president, and, more depressingly, report on all the tweeting of ours. I lie there and oscillate between praying and despairing. But finally I turn on the light and drink every drop of that dark anti-oxidant rich liquid.

And then, after I’ve finally hauled myself into the daylight, I call down the stairs to one of my many children to “turn on the kettle” so that when I’ve finally staggered down into the school room I am able to refill my cup.

In a word, here’s the secret, ready? CAFFEINE

What on earth is wrong with all you fancy people? The way to get through the day is to drink lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots of caffeine.

And then later, because it is almost Christmas, Eat A Cookie. For all that is good and right and holy and perfect, Eat a cookie or a mince pie or something. And then, because, as I said, its Only Two Weeks Till Christmas and you’re exhausted from all the panic, drink more caffeine. That’s how it works.