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I saw a video today of a father looking down at the body of his child. There was a fire in a Johor hospital and the child was unfortunately one of the casualties.

I do not want to take away from his grief, but watching that clip brought back some sour memories for me. I remember doing the same thing to my grandfather on December 4th, 2012. I remember looking down at him in the coffin, making sure my tears don’t fall on his face.

I remember the ice packs at the sides and how cold his hand were to the touch. I recall trying to savor my last moments with him, even though he wasn’t truly there.

I struggled inside when I did this, not being sure of whether I wanted to remember him that way or as the witty character he was when he had life in him. I wasn’t sure if I would regret choosing not to look one last time. So I just stared while my thoughts battled one another.

It was during moments like those where I wished for clarity. I don’t always know what to do, or what to think.. But at that moment I wish I did.

I miss him very much. I remember in the weeks before he left us, he told me he was proud of me – even though I never gave anyone anything to be proud of at that time as a lazy 17-year old. He also said that he wanted to see many things and one of them included me going to college and graduating.

If he felt proud of the easy-going moderate student I was back then, I think he would be so happy to see me as the hard-working and serious college student I am today and how well I’m doing. He worked in the same field I am currently studying in.

He was like a second father to me.

Four years on and I have come to a point where I try to avoid thinking about him at all in the morning so that it won’t make me upset for the remainder of the day. Maybe someday I will accept that he is gone, but sadly it won’t happen just yet.

I dread Christmas these days because of how I always come across things that remind me of gifts I would’ve gotten him. I no longer enjoy the holiday like I used to at all. If anything, it gives me a knotted feeling in my stomach right up into the new year.

Pops, wherever you are, I hope you’re at peace and at ease. You’ve spent so much of your life worrying about others and taking care of them.

I Love you.

It feels so ridiculous to have to say these things here because I know he is never going to read it.