Tourist Trapped: Ride The Ducks San Francisco

Tourist Trapped is a weekly Culture Blog post in which Beth Spotswood visits San Francisco’s popular tourist destinations and reports back. This week: A Duck Tour.

I’d certainly seen them around town. I’d read when people died on one in Philadelphia. My cousin described her experience on this as “embarrassing.” But when I spotted a Groupon for a ‘Ride The Ducks Tour,‘ I finally acknowledged it was time for Tourist Trapped to quack our way through San Francisco.

If you’re unfamiliar with ’Ride the Ducks’ tours, allow me to explain: tourists board a boat on wheels for a cheesy, guided tour though San Francisco (or any number of other cities), eventually ending up in the water for a cruise around the bay. The duck theme prevails, as patrons are given duck bill-shaped kazoos and instructions on when to use them, either in time with the music, or towards people on the street.

Joining me on this “land and water adventure” was my roommate Brittney, who graciously agreed not to make me quack alone.

We boarded on the corner of Taylor and Jefferson Streets, directly across from the famous Fisherman’s Wharf steering wheel thing with crabs on it. We turned in the Groupon print-out, were given our tickets, handed the duck-bill kazoos, quickly photographed, and Brittney and I boarded. Our duck boat was about half full, and helmed by the highly caffeinated Captain Van.

“You can call me Captain Van, like Van Gogh.” He announced into the loudspeaker. “As in, all of my ex-wives would say, ‘Van, go!’”

Van’s celebrity equivalent is basically a thinner Ned Beatty in Superman. Families with young kids sat towards the front, and Brittney and I were seated in the middle near a couple our age, and an older couple, who I came to know as Captain Van’s target audience. Every single dad-joke, cheesy pun, and questionably appropriate observation was gobbled up by these two, apparently visiting from Cincinnati. Upon discovering that I was a local, Van announced, “Oh no! Don’t tell the others which facts I’m making up! Just kidding! We’re going to have fun!”

Right on time, we were off, heading down Jefferson Street to snippets of recognizable songs, and instructed to kazoo-quack along with the music. We were also supposed to kazoo-quack at people on the sidewalks because, as Captain Van pointed out, “You’ll never see them again!” There were lots of jokes about the quackers being previously used. Or at least I assume they were jokes.

“Quack if you like chocolate! Over here on the left we have the Grilladilly Chocolate Factory.”

I have no idea if Captain Van had a frog in his throat and stumbled over the name, or if he actually doesn’t know how to pronounce Ghirardelli. Either way, it garnered a knowing look from Brittney. Our loop around Ghirardelli Square included the Oompa Loompa song from ‘Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.’ As we moved into North Beach, Captain Van popped on some “That’s Amore.” Before we hit Chinatown, I scribbled in my notebook, “Please don’t let him play Chinese music in Chinatown.”

Captain Van played Chinese music in Chinatown.

That was fine, really. He offered some history on “the largest Chinatown outside of China” before enthusiastically announcing that the Chinese who came here thrived, which cued up a version of ‘I Will Survive’ in Mandarin. But we didn’t really start to cringe until Captain Van asked if he could make a quick stop to pick up his laundry. “See it hanging out of the windows up there! I hate it when they do that. My underwear gets all stiff! You know another thing? They put up scaffolding over there a few months ago, and these people came and hung their clothes from the paint scaffolding!”

Oh dear. Captain Van jokes included classics like, “See that building over there. It’s called the Transamerica pyramid. At first the city didn’t want to build it, but now, you know what they say about the San Francisco skyline? Without the Transamerica building, it would be pointless.” Another zinger was on Stockton Street in Chinatown, “Let’s have a moment of silence for our fallen duck brothers hanging in the window over there. See? They still have their bills on!” Then we got topical. “On your right is Lombard Street, the second crookedest street in the world. It was first until 3 years ago. The crookedest street in the world in now in New York. It’s called Wall Street!”

As we approach the CalTrains station, Captain Van said we were about to see the best looking people in San Francisco. I was confused by his joke, until we pulled up next to a giant mirror. Cincinnati was eating this up. The wife particularly loved any jokes involving the mockery of Priuses, etc.

A child in the front row continued to kazoo-quack. “When are we going in the water? When are we going in the water?”

Making our way to the Bay, I have to admit it was nice to just drive around San Francisco on a gorgeous day with a nice breeze and lots of dumb jokes at which to eyeroll. I can get into cheesiness, I can see why people like these tours. An hour into the ride, our duck tour rolled into the water. There was brief, almost annoyed pause for safety instructions. “The Coast Guard makes me do this,” noted Captain Van.

Once in the water, we made our way past massive ships that apparently brought supplies to the first Gulf War. Captain Van was so full of potentially questionable facts, I stopped paying attention. At one point, he went on a prolonged rant about cement companies using sand from Canada to make cement. There was another extended sidebar on the tax issues of people who catch famous home-run balls in AT&T Park. At this point, though, the kids on the boat got to steer. One by one, Captain Van let them sit in the captains seat, sweetly taking a photo for excited parents and grandparents.

“Any big kids want to drive the boat?” Asked Captain Van. No hands went up. After an awkward pause, Captain Van pointed straight down the middle of the duck tour. “You.” he said. “You know you want to.”

“Are you pointing at me?” I asked.

Eventually, we made our way back to land. Captain Van played what he deemed San Francisco’s “old theme-song,” which was, “If You’re Going To San Francisco.” Captain Van announced into his microphone, “You know what our new theme-song is?”

On came ”YMCA.”

Brittney leaned forward and whispered, “I was wondering when we’d get to the gay jokes.”

As we neared Fisherman’s Wharf, Captain Van asked if we had any birthdays on the boat. No? Okay, well did anyone have a birthday this year? A few laughs, some quacks, and Van said, “I just love birthday songs!” So we pulled back into the Duck Tours stop to “Today Is Your Birthday.”

Even with my feet planted solidly on the ground, I was treated to one last joke from Capatain Van.

As we disembarked, I handed Captain Van a tip and he pulled me close. “Do me a favor.” he giggled, nodding towards some tourists lined up to board. “Lick your quacker, and hand it to one of them. (pause) Just kidding!”

Duck Tours leave constantly from Fisherman’s Wharf on the weekends, and sporadically on weekdays. You can find a tons of information here. Tickets are $34 for adults, $25 for kids, and a lot less if you look on Groupon.