Along with spring came penny boards and I am pissed

I can’t enjoy the nice weather if I’ve been hospitalized by a rolling, technicolored nail file

It seems as though spring has finally sprung (but possibly JK since the weather has been pulling a total Britney circa 2007), and UD could not be happier. Everyone knows that once the weather gets nice and the sun comes out that the green and the turf become peppered with iced coffees, people trying to throw a frisbee, and slackliners.

But along with the sunshine and thots in their high waisted ripped denim jeans (that would be me, Forever 21 for $19 you know you want them), spring burdens us with the biggest UD nuisance since people started warming up to Kirkbride Jesus.

Penny boarders.

I have a deep rooted, unadulterated, inexplainable hatred for penny boards and the people who ride them. Actually I can explain it and I am going to get in depth.

A Penny Skateboard is essentially a plastic spoon on wheels that seems very hard to balance on and very difficult to control. The first time I saw someone riding one I thought that machines were taking over, cartoons had come to life and were flocking the streets looking for revenge. I said good-bye to my family, locked myself in my basement for three days, and took solace in the fact that Donald Trump probably wouldn’t survive.

Then I discovered that it was an actual human who, of their own volition and free will, bought themselves a fetus skateboard and were having a grand old time. And that was when the real concern kicked in. I now live in constant fear that one day I’ll find out the love of my life likes to penny board in their free time, and that then our dogs will become children of divorce. Worse than an affair tbh.

Aside from my initial confusion and distaste for such a contraption, they have also proven to be absolute magnets to my toes. I can count on one hand how many times I’ve seen a penny board in a twenty foot radius of me that hasn’t come hurtling my way with the same enthusiasm as a freshman girl to a KDR basement. There are a thousand ways I would rather you take me out than by penny board. Take a baseball bat to my spleen, I’ll hold still for you, but leave that thing at home.

Like okay, if you love penny boarding that much (total mystery to me, but I won’t completely yuck your yum) then just maybe do it in the street. Maybe don’t do it on the green at 10 am when it is the MOST crowded time of the day, no one is mentally prepared for the class that they have a 50 percent chance of skipping, and I haven’t even had my first shot of espresso (tequila) yet. That would be good, to cut back on an actual safety concern.

I think we can all agree that there is nothing douchier and yet still somehow dorkier than someone riding a penny board on a crowded sidewalk. So please, take off that awful Hawaiian shirt, cut your hair, and just carry your American Girl Doll’s skateboard until you no longer run the risk of mowing anyone down.

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