Be My Valentine v2.0: Finding Love In The Modern Age

“Yeah, I got a dressmakers mannequin, I stuffed it with an electric blanket so it would be warm and I built two radio-controlled arms that would hug me and pat my back. Love in pure form.”

-The Big Bang Theory, Modern Times

It’s February and the only thought running through everyone’s paranoid, caffeine filled mind is –“OMG! Valentine’s Day. This year, this is the year I go big and make it a memorable one.” Post the inception of the internet error, love has changed in leaps and bounds from the original version 1.0 (God seriously made some coding errors! Hope it got reflected in his appraisal) to a more tech-savvy, modernized version 2.0 that’s constantly being updated!

Lovers are now divided into two modern kinds, the whiners (I can’t believe she left me even after I told her that the hot chic on Facebook who I have been stalking since months is just a friend) and the winners (Dude, remember that hot chic on Facebook who my friends have been stalking? We got drunk last night, had sloppy drunken sex and texted each other today. So totally in love! )

While companies laugh all the way to the bank selling “merchandise” (Hey look an old teddy bear. Recycle that shit, slap a I <3 You sticker on top and sell it for a 1000 bucks) and cards with thoughtful messages (You fill me up with so much warmth just like a six pack of beer on a cold winter evening), it is YOU who need to put the moves on the girl of your dreams. Sure anyone can tell you to buy nice gifts and put grand gestures to impress her, but today I am going to share five sure fire cheats (codes/hacks?) that can make you a true winner when it comes to finding love in the era of Valentine 2.0 .

1. Drop The Overly Nice Guy Act. Like Seriously!

In case you were still under the delusion that the nice guy always walked out with the girl as the end credits rolled, be aware that v2.0 has fixed that bug (Karan Johar keeps rejecting the updates, some compatibility issue). Today’s winner is not the overly nice guy who is every girl’s prince charming and fills their hearts with eternal dying love (Seriously, the only one even attempting that shit is the sparkly vampire from Twilight and he is a 1000 year old pedo stalking a emotionless high school teen). To make sure that you create an impression, make the right moves at the right time, even it if makes you look like a douchebag from time to time.

Modern love is all about theatrics! Ranbir Kapoor can get to sleep with anyone having a vagina simply because he knows how to turn on the charm and influence the ladies (of course, being a super-fucking-rich and famous celeb helps) but the example is applicable even to people around you. Remember the girl you had a crush on in high school? How you helped her with her notes and books and everything but were too shy to express your feelings? Good. Now do you remember how she dated the asshole with the bike who did stuff for her and made sure she KNEW it that he did them? That is the difference between being a mute idiot and a flashy show off! If you haven’t been reading, the later gets the girl.

2. Play To Her Weaknesses, Not Your Strengths!

So you have decided to stop being a nice guy and show yourself off as an attractive prospect to her. You are good at college level shayari according to your friends so that makes you no less than William fucking Shakespeare! Also, you can write some lyrics or two that features two opening lines about love, togetherness and moonlight before getting into explicit details about making out and sexual positions. Those are your strengths and you should play to them, right?

WRONG! V2.0 demands you to make the moves based on things that she would love to see in a guy. If she goes weak in the knees for bikes, learn everything about every bike ever made and approach her like a pro. If she’s into fashion, tell her how you critique of Ed Hardy but love the way Italian fashion is shaping up. When she talks about being awkward with gadgets, take out that flashy iPhone and show her the ropes. If she is into boats, become a goddamn boat historian for fuck’s sake!

3. Stay Classy, Act Cheesy!

Finding love in v2.0 requires you to be a bit more familiar with the user interface than the last one. The new age girl requires you to be the perfect balance between classy and cheesy, one who can do a commentary on the 5th symphony by day and dance to Gangam style on the pier with her during the party at night! “But how on earth do I balance between being a sophisticated snob and a drunken jackass?” you ask. The solution you see is in the timing, context and scenario where you choose to ask.

If it is in front of her parents or a social context, be the man she wants others to be jealous of, classy, refined and polished. When with her, let your inner wild beast come out into the open and frolic around hunting prey! If a social gathering calls for a black tie event, make sure you supplement it with shaving cream moustaches on Skype chats and the impromptu renditions of horribly sang love songs of the 80s. It might not make you look much, but the cheesiness is what makes her fall for your efforts in the long run!

4. Take Advantage Of Tech Connect!

This one is a bit of a no brainer really! V2.0 is built on a platform that is connected across various forms of social network. Whether you are looking to stumble upon (read: stalk) your ex, or just form an association with the cute girl who considers you to be a psychopathic creep, technology is your friend. You can *poke* her through Facebook, *snap* her through Snap chat, *ping* her through WhatsApp, *bump* her on Twitter and make her get *beeps* on Google Talk. Hear that world? That is the sound of technology having a collective orgasm to make your relation work!

You’ve used your dad’s money to flaunt it, now use it! Make pseudointellectual jokes and puns on Twitter to make her follow you. Provide deep, mystifying status on Facebook to keep her guessing about your personality. Get her number and WhatsApp her telling sad stories of how your party plans got cancelled because you saved a kitten from a burning house. Cloud her tech sphere with your presence until she starts to consider you as the greatest thing to have been invented for womankind since the vibrator and boy bands.

5.This Valentine Season-Make Sure You Go Premium!

I did mention in the beginning that my advice would be different than the usual spend big marketing subliminal messages given by companies, but stay with me here! My point here is that girls love to find value in the most meaningless of stuff, be it coal compressed for thousands of years, love stories that seem to be written by a 5th standard student with Idiot’s syndrome and gestures that make her feel like Paris Hilton without the sex videos. Here’s your chance.

You don’t have to force choke the life out of your cards to add value to your Valentine’s date. Make sure that whatever you are choosing on your limited budget adds value in her mind. If it’s a restaurant, take her someplace isolated and pretend it’s a swanky, exclusive joint. For a movie date, skip the boob ogling of actresses for once and take her for some artsy flick that has value to her. For the die-hard romantics/cheapskates planning a home based date, order something else than the greasy meat delight pizza so you can slobber over it like a pig! In short, whatever you do to keep your wallet on life support, make it seem like it has premium value.

That’s it from me folks. Hopefully you will all gain insight from this article, stepping into Valentines full of confidence and waking up drunk next morning with a fat chic lying naked and spread eagle on your bed. I suggest getting drunk even more at that point!

Here’s hoping a girl reads this and wants to make my Valentine special. On second thought, I’ll just stick to a mix of potato chips, playing FIFA, Reedit and YouPorn, thank you very much!

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