POLICE ACCUSED OF CORPORACIAL PROFILINGNew York, N.Y. — Statistically, David Bates had all the earmarks of a potential criminal: he was well-groomed, between the ages of 35 and 55, drove a luxury car, wore a suit, smiled at odd times, and said very little of substance. He was, in short, a likely corporate executive, and to police, that was reason enough.
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MEN DO TALK ABOUT RELATIONSHIPSNew Haven, Conn. — According to a new study, young women speak more frequently and frankly about sex and sex-related subjects than men do. But this isn't true. Men speak about sex and relationships all the time. It's just in code.
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HUMANS INSIST THEY ARE NOT DUMBER THAN RICE
Many Believed to Be CorrectSan Diego, Calif. — Word that genetic researchers have discovered a cell of rice contains more genes than a human cell has caused widespread outrage as people across the globe attempt to prove that humans are easily as smart as a grain of rice.
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SATIREWIRE
POETRY SPAM WINNERS!
(AND LOSERS)New Haven, Conn.
— Well, we had more than 600 entries for SatireWire's 2nd Annual
Poetry Spam, (goal: to make poems out of phrases from spam), and now that
the contest has ended and the judges have decided, that can only mean
one thing: We had more than 600 losing entries! But some people had to
win, and somehow, they did. More...

THE SOU'WESTER
ALLIANCE:
AFGHANISTAN'S FORGOTTEN WARRIORSZaranj, Afghanistan
— As the dust and smoke of battle settles across Afghanistan, all
eyes have turned to the triumphant Northern and Eastern alliances, but
there is another Afghani confederation whose contributions have been all
but lost in the proverbial fog of war. These are the poor, proud tribesmen
in bright yellow slickers and waterproof hats, turned up at the brim,
of the Sou'wester Alliance. They are Afghanistan's forgotten warriors.
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"YOU
MUST SATISFY YOUR QUEEN,"
AND FURTHER WISDOM FROM THE ANIMALSZoo Atlanta —
Nations are at war. Economies are weak. Male strippers have officially
entertained the Queen Mother. Can the animals help us understand where
we've gone wrong? More...

SATIREWIRE'S
HOLIDAY CARDS:
SATIRICAL. IMPERSONAL. PERFECT.New Haven, Conn.
— Have you failed to get your cards out yet, or do you know someone
whom you don't really like enough to bother sending a card via postal
mail? Then check out SatireWire's holiday cards. They're the impersonal
choice. We even have Hanukkah covered. More...

ENTERPRISE
CREW SPLIT OVER VIOLATING PRIME
DIRECTIVE, INTERVENING TO SAVE EARTH FROM ITSELF In Stationary Orbit
— Disturbed by ruthless terrorist attacks and talk of war, the crew
of the starship Enterprise, which has been stealthily orbiting Earth since
August, is reportedly torn over whether to violate Star Fleet's Prime
Directive and intervene in Earth affairs, or gather for drinks in the
forward observation lounge and watch the planet go to shit. More...

BUSH
TO GRADS: "I, TOO, HAVE A GAS PROBLEM"New Haven, Conn.
— President George W. Bush made a less-than-stellar return to his
alma mater recently, where his attempt to convince Yale University graduates
that he truly shared their concerns over the energy crisis unfortunately
came out as "I, too, have a gas problem." More...

LOVING
CARE FOR THE TECHNICALLY SPAREFor family members,
it is often the most difficult and painful decision they will face: to
accept that a loved one — a parent, a spouse, perhaps a sibling
— is technologically incompetent and should no longer be allowed
to live independently, or come near a computer without direct supervision.
The time has come to place that loved one into the permanent care of an
Assisted Computing Facility. More...

CEO DREAM
DATESNew York, N.Y. —
We approached a dozen Fortune 500 CEOs and asked them to describe their
"fantasy dates" with one (or more?) of their Fortune 500 colleagues. The
responses were definitely not business as usual. More...

THE PRODIGAL.COM
SON RETURNSIf your son were
one of those... those dot-commers, how would you feel? More...

Mr. Clickwell
ReportsWEB SITE
FASHIONS FOR SPRING: IT'S ALL ABOUT PRETTYSan Jose, Cal. —
Catch me in a pan I'm melting! It's been a long, cold Winter for the fashion
conscious, but if this week's Spring SiteWear Show is any indication,
the frigid, function-over-form mood that's dominated Web site design is
finally defrosting. From Google to Microsoft to ESPN.com, this Spring
the message is: "Let's just be pretty." More...

OY, YOU
NEVER VISIT YOUR MOTHER'S WEB SITEMiami, Fla. —
I'm thinking of divorcing your father. Oh, you didn't know that, Mr. I-have-no-time-for-the-woman-who-bore-me-and-taught-me-HTML?
Well, if you ever bothered to drop by your mother's web site, just once
in a while, spare just a few of your precious surfing minutes, you'd know
that. It was in my weblog from last week. More...

EXECUTIVE
ROAD TRIP: MY NIGHT WITH BILL GATESWashington, D.C.
— Bill Gates and I drive along E Street in my rented Corolla, past
renovated apartment buildings and upscale shops sandwiched between old
government buildings. I am here, in the U.S. capital, to interview him,
but so far, things aren't going as planned. Instead, Bill Gates has his
mind set on doing something, and I don't know what it is. More...

THE INTERNET
YEAR IN REVIEWNew Haven, Conn.
— Do you remember a time when Napster was going to change the world,
and the Microsoft trial was almost entertaining? Remember when Priceline
was a $90 stock? Or even a $10 stock? How about $2? We didn't either,
but after extensive research, SatireWire is proud to bring you
"The Internet Year that Was," a blatantly revisionist reminiscence that
promises to be really painful if you're still holding Fogdog.com. More...

SALLY
STRUTHERS ASKS YOU TO SAVE THE DOT-COMSNew York, N.Y. —
Right now, all over the world, dot-coms are hurting. They are suffering
from cash-flow shortfalls. They lack earnings and even the most basic
of revenue models. All that is needed is someone who will look into the
eyes of a needy dot-com and say, 'Yes, I will help.' Someone like you.
More...

MR. CLICKWELL'S
WORST DRESSED WEB SITES New Haven,
Conn. (SatireWire.com) — And now, just in time for the
Fall, caustic site design critic Mr. Clickwell reviews the biggest sites
on the Internet and finds their Web wardrobes (gasp!) wanting. From AOL
("Three words: Red, White, and Bloated") to eBay ("This site is a bowling
shirt come to life"), Mr. Clickwell spares no one. More...

HOW TO
SPOT A FAKE PRESS RELEASENew Haven,
Conn. (SatireWire.com) — Investors learned a brutal lesson
when a false press release sent stock in data networking company Emulex
down more than 50 percent. In an effort to help you spot a potential hoax,
SatireWire has chosen a press release at random from Internet
Wire, and red flagged comments
that should tip you off that something is seriously wrong. More...

DOT-COM
REFUGEES: LIFE IN CAMP ALPHANear Emeryville,
Cal. (SatireWire.com) — Since the fall of Internet stocks
began in April, former dot-com employees, forced from their jobs, have
made their way to Dot-Camp Alpha, a makeshift settlement on a barren hillside
in Silicon Valley. Despite its lack of even the most basic facilities
— plumbing, air hockey, on-site masseuse — the camp has swelled
to nearly 5,000 lost souls. SatireWire editor Treat Warland reports
from the front. More...

"THE
CLICK SENSE" — BOY SEES DEAD DOT-COMSSan Jose,
Cal. (SatireWire.com) — After months of therapy, an 8-year-old
Silicon Valley boy revealed today that he can see dead dot-coms everywhere,
an experience that has left him paralyzed with fear, caused his classmates
to call him "freak," and given him the idea for a major motion picture.
Read the screenplay!

CLICK
HERE FOR BUSTY BRAHMSOn the Internet
(SatireWire.com) — Web pages containing the phrase "I love
money" outnumber those containing the phrase "I love Monet" by 140-to-1.
For every page where someone has mentioned a conversation with physicist
Stephen Hawking, there are 138 pages expressing a desire for sex with
Britney Spears. But does this mean the Web is little more than a new media
Gomorrah dedicated to the lowest common denominator? Yeah, pretty much.
More...

PROSTIDOTS:
STARTUPS SELL THEMSELVES CHEAPMountain
View, Cal. (SatireWire.com) — They are young, quite often
attractive, and down on their luck. Desperate for money, they are forced
to sell themselves for whatever they can get. They are the latest Internet
startups, the prostidots. More...

"DUN
PUFFERS" TAKE OVER VALLEYPalo Alto,
Cal. (SatireWire.com) — Ariel Nemoka, 22, saunters along
Ramona Street in the twilight, staring in a handheld mirror at the dark,
puffy circles under her eyes and talking about her plastic surgeon. "God,
look at these giant bags he gave me," she says. "Isn't it great?" More...

E=MC&sup2:
QUANTUM CONSUMER THEORYCambridge,
England (SatireWire.com) — Why do Americans consume so
much? What do glazed doughnuts have to do with the Internet's rapid growth
and sudden upheaval? Why do small people accidentally walk into Big and
Tall shops? Researchers point to a revolutionary, and insulting, theory.
More...

THE RETURN
OF e.e. commerceNew Haven,
Conn. (SatireWire.com) — When e.e. commerce last released
a collection of poems, the NASDAQ was at 5,000, profits were an unnecessary
evil, and e-commerce was a respected business model. Times have changed,
but where others see enclosing darkness, the Poet Laureate of the Internet
continues to see only endless promise. More...

DID MICROSOFT
HIDE MESSAGE IN 'OPEN LETTER'?Redmond,
Wash. (SatireWire.com) — Last week, Microsoft published
an "open letter" stating its case for keeping the company whole. It seemed
a wholly unremarkable statement — Microsoft good; breakup bad redux
— but was there more to it? SW put its decryption team to
work, and discovered a cleverly-hidden, and unnerving, message. More...

INTERVIEW
WITH THE SEARCH ENGINEEmeryville,
Cal. (SatireWire.com) — An exclusive, penetrating, and
highly frustrating interview with Jeeves of Ask.Jeeves.com, who explains
how the Internet is somewhat like a non-arthritic New Zealand bee. More...

e.e.
commerce: POET LAUREATE OF THE INTERNETNew Haven,
Conn. (SatireWire.com) — At eToys, it is said, chief executive
Toby Lenk keeps a copy of the searching, evocative i:opt:in stapled
to his chest. At Amazon.com, CEO Jeff Bezos has wept openly while reading
the heart-rending fulfillmentness to new company employees. And
at AOL, Steve Case reportedly hired Barry White to record the inspirational
i e therefore i am so he could listen to the poem on his way to
work each day.More...

DENIAL-OF-SERVICE:
THE REAL VICTIMSEmeryville,
Cal. (SatireWire.com) — Yes, the rash of Denial-of-Service
attacks has done some damage to Internet companies, and sure, they made
life a tad more difficult for a few employees. But astonishingly, the
true victims of these heinous assaults continue to be ignored, even by
those whose job it is to care and nurture them. In a special, confrontational
interview with a Yahoo! technical administrator, The FNwire defends
the site servers: Forgotten Heroes of the Firing Line. (Warning: readers
may find some responses unforgivably disturbing.)More...

NATION'S
FIRST 'LOW-STRESS' CASINO ARRIVESLake Benton,
Minn. (SatireWire.com) — A chorus of satisfied sighs wafted
across the endless fields and farms of this southwest Minnesota town yesterday
as the nation's first "low-stress" gambling casino opened its sky-blue
doors for business. Run by a group of former Montessori teachers, the
Sighing Pines Casino & Picnic Grove shuns racier games such as black jack
and roulette in favor of more comfortable diversions, such as Go Fish,
Tic-Tac-Toe, and Heads or Tails.More...