You are here

My boyfriend sucks

I just got home from college summer classes about a week ago and have been baking up a storm (I loveeee to bake) I've made some seriously awesome cookies, banana bread, cinnamon rolls, brownies and even this amazing cake from Vegan With a Vengeance (which i was up till 1:00am baking!). My family couldnt even tell the baked goods had no eggs or dairy. The absolute only thing my boyfriend likes is the cupcakes that are loaded with sugar. He's turned his nose up at everything! Mind you he is an omni and when I talk to him about my veganism I can instantly see his eyes glaze over and his brain switch to "I do not care" mode. I get so angry and tell him: you don't want to know/see what's going on but you're going to shove that S*** in your mouth?!

We've been together 4 years this month and I have been vegan for about 6 months. He still goes to McDonalds, drinks a TON of soda (Like two of the HUGO drinks from mcdonalds in one "meal") and does not exercise at all. When we first got together, he wore a size L or XL shirt- he is now wearing a 4XL. I can't even stand to get romantic with him anymore because of his bulging belly and sheer yuckyness.

I guess i'm just ranting- but really, does it sound like a "me" problem or is my angriness justifiable?

Posted by Tkitty96 on Aug 07, 2007 · Member since May 2006 · 1790 posts

Oh, geez. Honestly, if you aren't into the relationship anymore, you need to leave. You both deserve to be happy. And if you aren't attracted to him, well, that's not fair to him if you stay. And it's not fair to you, either.

It really stinks that you have found veganism but he is content with his diet of burgers and fries, and thus doesn't want to share this with you. You have to be respectful of each other to have a successful relationship. If you can't respect him, and he can't respect you, well...

Oh wow. That really sucks. It seems like he doesn't respect you for making that choice of becoming vegan, which isn't a good sign in any relationship. I can totally understand you not being attracted to him anymore, and I don't mean just physically (although that does play a huge factor in any relationship). It's tough being with someone who doesn't understand your lifestyle and who you are as a person. Worse, it's tough being with someone who belittles you an your beliefs too. It doesn't make a healthy relationship at all. It's one thing to be a meat eater dating a vegan, but a completely different thing to not respect your choices and decisions. With all that being said though, have you asked him how he felt about his size? And him eating all that crap? It could be that he's depressed, or stressed, or whatever. Before giving up just yet, talk to him about what's going on. Tell him that you're worried about him and his diet, and you're worried he'll get diabetes, or heart problems. Sometimes people need to hear it from someone they love before they actually do something about it, you know? Whatever you do though, DON'T go on a rant about how bad meat and dairy and sugar is for you. If anything, that'll put you into a worse position with him, and he'll feel like you're raggin' on him rather than trying to get to the heart of the issue. When he's ready, then you can tell him those things. But for now, tell him that you're really concerned about his health, and that because of it, you're finding yourself less attractive to him. It's all about respect, right? If you show him you can respect him for his choices about eating meat, he'll eventually come around.

He's turned his nose up at everything!<snip>but really, does it sound like a "me" problem or is my angriness justifiable?

Haha...I'd bet all 3/4 carats on my left hand that my fiance would be flat out on his newly-single derriere before he could so much as blink if he did that when I worked so hard. So no, it's not just you.

But, that's me and my baking. Generally, he celebrates my work, but frankly I've seen him turn green and keep eating until I finally wrestle the plate away out of pity. It sounds like he doesn't respect himself, (4XL and still guzzling HFCS??) much less you, and if you don't say anything it will continue until you eventually murder him. If you try to talk to him like chicyuna says about both respecting you and taking care of himself, and you don't sense any reasonable change will happen, you really should leave him. Maybe it'll be the only thing that gives him the "jolt" he needs to look at his life, or maybe it just wasn't meant to be. 4 years is a long time, even if you're not ready it's definitely long enough that you should have an idea if he's the one you want to raise you kids (if any) with. Even if he's an awesome guy in every other way, children pick up their parents' habits - both in eating and how they treat their mom.

I second Capture: you're a pretty, vegan kitchen Goddess...don't take no crap from nobody.

Thanks for the posts guys. It's nice to get responses from people who don't know either of us because all of my friends are on my side. I started out posting about being irritated he didnt like my cooking and it ended up as an online psych session :) Anyway......

I just can't end the relationship- it's not that easy. I have tried to talk to him before but it's a extremely touchy subject with him. Let me give you some background information though:

His mother passed away four years ago of pancreatic cancer and his dad remarried in less than a year to a horribe nasty woman. Todd (my bf) has spinobifida and has had a couple of surgeries to correct some problems- the doctors have said this should have no effect on his exercising. He has also found his grandma dead in her house behind their house, has had his older brother die in a car crash a couple years ago, and his mother had a stillborn child. So he's had a crazy life and I just can't end a relationship - i think his problems are deeper than sheer laziness.

Nonetheless, I've talked to him about his health many times before and it ended up with me really upset and crying while we were dining out (go figure). I exercise everyday- I run at least 6 miles and lift. Even when I try to get him to take a walk with me something is instantly wrong with him and excuses just don't cut it with me.

I will definitely take your guy's advice though. I can be a bit aggressive when it comes to health and especially about veganism... so maybe that's not my best plan. Thanks for the advice, chicyuna- I'm definitely going to go with your approach.

Lol- hilarious!!

Haha...I'd bet all 3/4 carats on my left hand that my fiance would be flat out on his newly-single derriere before he could so much as blink if he did that when I worked so hard. So no, it's not just you.

and thanks for the nice comments... I'll have to let you know if I'm a newly single vegan and we'll talk about the dating scene :)

I think, in a relationship, whomever you're dating - whether it's a fellow vegan, a vegetarian, or someone who eats meat - respect is paramount. From what you described, it's just not there on his part. He doesn't respect his own body - anyone who eats fast food and doesn't exercise can't possibly have much respect for their own body. And he doesn't sound at all supportive of your lifestyle.

It's time to re-think the relationship. The person with whom you choose to be should make support you in becoming a better and better person. They should help, rather than hinder. If that's not there - it's time to walk.

I know you've said that you've tried to leave before ... and I'm sure that can't be easy. But, you have to ask yourself: what are you getting out of this relationship? If you're only in it for HIS sake, or because he's had a bad life ... then (as nice as that is) you're in it for the wrong reasons.

0 likes

Posted by Tkitty96 on Aug 07, 2007 · Member since May 2006 · 1790 posts

I understand that you care about him and don't want to add more hurt to his life. BUT you are NOT his caretaker or his therapist. You are in a relationship, and relationships are about PARTNERSHIP. His past family stuff SHOULD NOT be an issue here. It seems to me that he's using it to be lazy, and to have control over you and your relationship. And that is not fair, and it's bad news.

Sorry if I misjudge the situation: I've been in a crappy relationship or two.

when i get angry about my boyfriend eating like crap and not exercising, its because i want to be with him forever, and not until he turns 40 and dies of a heart attack or something. he's been eating better and exercising more, but not for me. i'm not sure what changed in him. but i still feel the same way. i want him to keep it up because i want to have him around, and i will do my best to stay healthy so that i will be around for him.

no offense or anything but it sounds like your relationship isn't going anywhere. who said that you can't be friends if you still want to. get out of it as soon as you can so that everyone is much happier. i'm really sorry and wish you the best of luck. remember, do it now before it's too late and you end up wasting time. you'll feel so much better after you get it off of your chest :).

0 likes

Posted by healthymomma on Aug 07, 2007 · Member since May 2006 · 628 posts

TKITTY96, I agree. SuperVeg_n, ending relationships are hard, especially one that has went on for so long. It certainly sounds like respect is lacking there. It is not your responsibility to fix his problems! It seems like you may be on a different path from here on out. Keep in mind that most people would rather remain ignorant about where food comes from and no matter what is said about it, they won't listen. In fact, it often turns people away even more when they hear something that they'd rather not know. The best way to chasnge minds (IMO), is to show by example and be patient. The ones who want to change themselves will inquire at their own pace. Think of how important it is for you to have people that are supportive of your newfound lifestyle. Imagine what you need in a partner. Is he willing to be that person? From what you say, it sure seems like you've already made up your mind as to where this relationship is headed or, perhaps more accurately, where it sits.

you know, I think he was a bit depressed for awhile. I mean he's 22 and living at home, although in a few days he's heading off for college to finish his degree. We've been together since I was 16 and when I left for college (which is three hours away) I think he felt like he had no one and he had a crap home life with his dad and new stepmom. He was even seeing a counselor for a bit but his counselor was located in a different town and because of Todd's work schedule he quit going.

I am hoping that him finally going away to college and moving out of his house will light a fire under his butt and get him motivated for SOMETHING. However whenever I think about the state of our relationship, I find myself waiting until something happens... like now i'm hoping that him moving out of his house will spark something and if that doesn't, I'm afraid I'll find myself "waiting" and hoping that something else will happen.

And Tkitty I completely understand what you're saying too- It makes sense- I have my friends and some family tell me that all the time... but like I said- I find myself waiting for something good to happen. I think i'll have yet another conversation with him and really just see where it goes... and if it goes nowhere, I don't know how much more I can stand! He totally hurt my feelings when i baked all that food (That seriously was pretty awesome) and he snarled his nose and didnt eat a bite!

0 likes

Posted by healthymomma on Aug 07, 2007 · Member since May 2006 · 628 posts

It sounds like you equally judge what each other eats. You were okay with him eating burgers four years ago or you wouldn't have started dating him.

I think it's easy to blame it on the food, but it's important to be honest about it. You aren't ready to stop seeing him because he doesn't like your cooking. I don't see this impending break-up as being about food. It's just an easy reason.

If you're in a different place now, I say cut your losses and move on. But even if you don't tell him all of the reasons, at least know the real reasons yourself. Knowing them could help you in future relationships.

i know what you mean about waiting around for something to happen. i dated a guy from 15 to 19 and he was living at home with a crappy family life, and i felt kinda sorry for him. but things were not going where i really wanted them to and everything just seemed stagnant. its hard to think about leaving someone you've been with for so long, but really, once it's all over, it's not so bad. i agree with ecstatic about being with him for his sake... it's totally not worth it for you because your life IS all about YOU!!!

if you feel like you should talk to him about it again, i wish you the best of luck! ;D i hope it goes where you want it to, but if things don't seem like they're going to start changing, then i'm afraid it's time to move on.

0 likes

Posted by propinecone on Aug 07, 2007 · Member since May 2007 · 2844 posts

i myself was in a 5 and a half year relationship that wasn't healthy for a long time. it wasn't food related but it was respect and acceptance that was lacking. he also had some rough things in his past, his father dying, rejection from some family and he had a history of cutting himself. sometimes when we'd fight and 'breakup' he'd cut himself and talk about feeling like he couldn't live without me. i was fearfull for his safety and would always say that i'd change so that he would be happy and we could stay together. eventually i hit a boiling point where i felt like i couldn't and shouldn't have to change to make him happy and if i stayed in the relationship i was going to explode from the pressure and constant judgement. i had to end things and be confident that he would have to learn to deal with it in a healthy way because there was no way we were going to get back together. it was hard and he needed me remind him many times as to why we couldn't be together (even though he knew and agreed) but eventually he accepted it. we both knew it was a long time coming but it never was the right time, it would be inconvenient, we had holidays coming up that we needed to be together at, etc. well, i finally had the guts to do it a few days before christmas (and yes i ruined everyones holiday) but it had to be done. i don't regret it one bit and i felt like a huge weight was lifted off of me. plus, if he loves you he will be happy for you if you find happiness. my ex and i still talk and he feels genuinely happy for me that i'm doing well, and i feel the same for him. we've actually cried tears of joy on the phone together talking about how we are so glad that we can feel happy for eachother. we were major influences on eachother over the past 6 years and we've thanked eachother for what we learned from the other. even so, we both knew it had run its course and it was time to move on.

First your in a relationship with him you should support him. That's what people do together.If he feels sad about something just sit there and listen.

His family life does sound like he had alot of sadness in it and he might even need some therapy to overcome it especially with his grandma. He may feel like them passing away his mom, his grandma and his brother that his whole world as fallen apart or he feels very very alone. Ask him if it's this.

He sounds like an emotional eater to me that he burys his emotions in food.

You are not responsible for his past nor his present emotions. While what happened to him was pretty bad, your reasons for staying in a relationship with him should be INDEPENDENT of his past. Love yourself enough to either demand a change or let go. :)