MINOR IRRITATIONS OF LIFE – THEY ALL ADD UP

Is there a luckier man on the planet than Adrian Chiles? This man is on television despite an incredible ability to stumble through every broadcast, umming and erring while I eat my cereal, watch my football team and even enjoy the dying embers of my weekend with his awful Sunday night chat show. Surely the inability to speak should scupper any chance of a presenting career, but not for our Adrian, he’s got it made!

Chiles shot to fame as a finance guru on BBC Radio Five Live, before heading over to BBC2 for Working Lunch. From there he must have slept with or blackmailed someone very high up at the BBC because he was then given the gig on ‘The One Show’, forming quite the relationship with onscreen partner Christine Bleakley. This relationship consisted of him struggling to utter two words in a row without falling over them, while somehow making the national press believe he was boffing his Irish colleague. Despite being a pretty awful show, this nightly programme got great ratings, and Chiles was in the enviable position of being paid a lot of money to do a job very, very badly. Someone at the Beeb obviously agreed with this assessment though, because they then tried to hire infinitely more talented presenter Chris Evans to do the show on Fridays, which riled Chiles, who quit in protest.

"Oh My God - Her Hand Is Near My Penis!"

But just when you thought this scourge of our screen would be confined to the broadcasting history books forever, within weeks he’d signed a mega bucks deal at ITV, where he presided over Daybreak, the breakfast show equivalent of a turd in your porridge, once again teaming up with Bleakley, who’s burgeoning relationship with Chelsea player Frank Lampard finally put paid to rumours of a Chiles dalliance. Chiles then rocked up as the anchor man on ITV’s coverage of both the FA Cup and the Champions League, even timing his switch to the channel in a WORLD CUP YEAR. His performances in that tournament mirrored the England national side – painful to watch while inducing a cold sweat and pangs of anger every time they sullied our televisions sets.

Chiles is paid an absolute fortune, which in itself might be enough to agitate many a working Joe. But to earn it while being absolutely awful at his job is the biggest grievance of all. ITV have said they will stick with Daybreak for the foreseeable future, despite stuttering ratings. He is the main man when it comes to the channel’s sports coverage. The Sunday night show, for now, seems to have died a death. But Chiles remains King of all he surveys, his star shining bright despite having the charm, charisma and eloquence of a dead Rottweiller.