Angry local cyclist challenges peloton authoritarianism

I recent went on a SaturdayRide to the Rock you were the “ride leader.” Know what? You suck, asshole! Who fucking died and made you dictater? You think you own the road well FUCK YOU! And fuck your stupid rules and your stupid fucking two-by-two bullshit. You act like some superbike hero I never saw your fucking picture on Velonews jerkoff! I looked you up on USA cycling and you’re a cat 4 Masters LOSER!! You’ve never even won a RACE!! My granny’s dick could be a cat 4, you LOSER! YOU SUCK!! PLus you cant ride straight and you look like a sex change that somebody confused with hemmeroid implant operation. FUCK YOU! YOU SUCK! Andif I ever see your fucking ass on the road and i’m in my car I will run your fucking ass over until you are dead 100 pursent. If Im in a race against you i will kill you you fucknut. So fuck you, fuckhead.

I really love your blog. You are the coolest. Plus, you are really funny and clever and smart. I’ve checked you out with the South Bay crowd and everyone thinks you’re totally awesome. This one rider was telling me about how you’re just, like, the best. I named my dog after you, can you believe that? “Wankmeister” is the coolest name for a Rottie! Sounds so tough and German, like he’s from Germany! Anyway, I’ve read all your stuff about MT4 and was just wondering, like, how I could do it? It seems really cool! And the way you write about it is uber-funny! I’m pretty sure I could “hang” with the “big boys,” you know? Anyway, you’re the best, Wankmeister!

Jus’ wonderin’,
Tommy Tippler

Dear Tommy:

Thanks for the kind words. You obviously have no taste and are a moron and a brown-noser. But that’s okay. There’s a place for tasteless, brown-nosing morons, too, even though it’s usually prison or century rides that go through Long Beach. As for your ill-disguised attempt to get a coveted MT4 invite, all I can say is–and I mean this not personally, and with no intent to offend–go fuck yourself. Just kidding. Sort of. But not really. Still, it’s a good question, and I get hundreds of emails a day asking that very question. So here’s “the secret”: 1) Don’t be a dork. 2) Buy an IF kit. 3) Lie in bed at night dreaming about getting an MT invite. 4) Die bitter and disappointed.