SANTA VS.THE GASH SUCKING FASCISTS FROM OUTER SPACE

A popular talk-show host is made ruler of the world by vampyric lesbians from outer space.

Submitted: December 21, 2011

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Submitted: December 21, 2011

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SANTA VS.THE GASH SUCKING FASCISTS FROM OUTER SPACE

Orpah leaned against a pillar cherishing a rare moment of peace. She had fallen in love with the back patio of her summer home the
moment she had seen it. Beyond the grass and statuary there was nothing but water as far as the eyes could see. It was so vast and so beautiful that simply standing on one of the large marble steps
was enough to establish a Zen-like state capable of ending wars and inspiring love and brotherhood in all mankind.

“Oh, Manfred,” she paused to kiss her lemonade, “I wish I could give one of these houses to each of my fans. Maybe I shouldn’t
have cancelled the show.”

“Indeed, madam, you could have evolved into a one-woman socialist state and terraformed Mars for the poor.”

“Manifred, don’t be snarky. I’ll never understand how a servant can hate the poor so much.”

“My apologies, madam. More Lemonade?”

“Thank you. You know I used to be poor.”

“Yes, madam, everyone knows that.”

They shared a chuckle at their little game. If it weren’t for his sardonic quips she would have been carried of by her inflated
cranium years ago. She loved his wry smile and his little pencil moustache. If it weren’t for his Asian fetish she might have even tried to marry him.

“Will that be all?”

“It’s such a nice day. Let’s take the boat out.”

“Very well.” The manservant bowed and strode inside to change.

Orpah set her glass on a nearby table and stepped out onto the lawn. She loved the feeling of Kentucky bluegrass between her toes.
It reminded her of the pleasant moments of her youth, of her innocence. At twenty, those times had seemed so far away they might as well have been from a TV show. Who could have guessed she would
grow up to be a billionaire?

The blustering April sun roused her pores, prickling her skin with warmth. It was nice at first, but she grew concerned when, after a few moments, it continued to spread and swell, swarming over
her skin like an army of hungry crabs. She called for Manny as everything went dark, unaware that she was no longer there.

The strange sensation ended as her atoms slammed back together much faster than they had been taken apart. It was disorienting enough to explode in reverse without looking up to find herself in a
study with a big metal swastika overhead and four blond-haired blue-eyed women in Nazi fetish outfits staring at her the way grandma used to stare at the church buffet.

“Wha….” She stumbled backward, somehow not quite used to walking anymore.

“I am sure that you have many questions. If you would be so kind as to take a seat I would be more than happy to answer them.” Said the woman who seemed to be in charge. Her outfit was more red
than black and covered more skin than the others’. Orpah couldn’t tell is the gesture telling her to sit in the ornate wooden chair was an invitation or a threat, but, too shocked to panic, Orpah
took her seat.

“You are no doubt wondering where you are and how you came to be here, yes?”

Orpah shook her head yes.

“I am Captain Urtha Poon and you are aboard ship L76988 of the Counter Universal Nullification Team. We have studied your world for quite some time. In fact these uniforms were inspired by some of
your Earth movies. We have found your planet to be primitive and violent, but not entirely without merit. With better leadership, Earth could be a nice place to live. We have searched the world for
a suitable candidate and we believe that you are that leadership.”

Orpah didn’t know whether to be offended or flattered. “What…a… Did you just… Why? I didn’t think Nazis like… people like me.”

Urtha laughed. “We are not Nazis. Nazis were racists who loved war. We are the C.U.N.T. As the name implies, we are an organization who try to save the universe from imminent destruction. Before us
there was only chaos, murder, war and hunger. The same things you combat on earth we combat on a larger scale.

“You were chosen for many reasons. You are already one of the most influential women of the planet. You endeavor to bring peace and happiness to everyone. You were given nothing and still you built
an empire. Who better to run the world, rich men who have never known so much as a mild disappointment? Men bred to crave power and love death and see the poor as trash to be swept up and
discarded?”

“I really think that I can do more good in the private sector. Politicians are all caught up in politics, but I’m free to do whatever I want.”

“As ruler of the world you will be free to do whatever you want. Imagine a world with no problems where everyone is free to indulge in all of life’s pleasures. It will be a world without hunger,
hate, death or violence. Everyone will live forever without aging. Life is ever so much more enjoyable when you are no longer under the thumb of death. The mind is free to function as it was
intended. So many things are invented. So many improvements are made. Does this not sound like heaven on Earth?”

Fashion aside, Orpah was beginning to like the sound of this. “You can stop people aging?”

“Oh yes, no more aging, no more death. We will freeze you as you are now for all eternity.”

“How?”

“We will make you like us.”

“What do you mean?”

“The best way to explain is to say that we are the basis for your vampire stories. Many of our kind have walked among you and sometimes the differences have been noticed and twisted into
stories to scare children.”

“So you drink blood?”

“Yes, but without killing. Do not think of Dracula. We are more like mosquitoes.”

“So, you want to turn all of the humans into space mosquitoes.”

“No, only the females. Males are food.”

She knew this had all sounded too good to be true. “Food? You eat men?”

“No, no, not eat. We drink from men. They don’t mind once they get used to it. It’s not as bad as it sounds.”

Orpah laughed. “Not as bad as it sounds? Did you really think that I would help you take over the world and turn all the women into vampires? You’re crazy. Put me back where you found me.”

The captain was obviously not used to insubordination. She smacked her big wooden desk with her riding crop and the other three appeared behind Orpah’s chair. “I believe that there has been a
misunderstanding. I apologize. I am no good at soft peddling. I am sure that you will understand once you have all of the facts.

“The universe is very large and contains millions of planets with intelligent life. As I said, before the C.U.N.T. there were many problems. Entire solar systems were destroyed while men battled
over silly things. A few very influential and intelligent people came together to devise a solution. They came up with us. Men are violent, egotistical, and stupid, so they created a powerful force
of women to restore peace before the men found a way to destroy everything.

“They started using the most peaceful race in the universe as a cornerstone. This people never killed or wanted for anything. With no fear to muddle their minds they were more advanced and more
productive than anyone else. A very wise doctor created a virus from their genetic code which would adhere to any form of DNA and give the infected ever lasting life. They gave this to the
strongest and most intelligent women and set about converting one planet as a test. Suffice it to say that it worked.

“That was a long time ago. All planets but Earth are now under the C.U.N.T.. The C.U.N.T. is malevolent and easy to please, but the only way to please the C.U.N.T. is to enter into it. We require
that all men submit to the will of women and all women obey our simple rule. That rule is to love indiscriminately. Treat everyone as though you love them and the world has no more problems.
Doesn’t that sound nice?”

“Men are people and they should have the same rights as women. They might be a tad more aggressive than women are, but that doesn’t give you the right to farm them.”

“Who said anything about farming?”

“I’m not happy with the way things are either, but I hardly think that the solution is to turn all the women into bloodsucking monsters.”

“I really had expected you to understand. Your father abandoned you before you were born. How many men molested you as a child? Another impregnated you at fourteen. Another got you hooked on drugs.
The male controlled media made fun of the weight problem that they inspired. How can you think that female control is a bad idea?

“Yes, a lot of bad things happened to me, but they’ve made me who I am. I’m not perfect, but I like myself and I don’t think that I would like myself anymore if I did what you wanted. Please
respect my wishes and take me back home. If your only law is love then you are bound by law not to harm me.”

“We do not wish to harm you. You will be much better than before. You can eat all you want and never gain weight. You will rule for eternity and never age. So, please believe me when I say that we
are doing this for your own good. If you do not understand now, you will when it is over.”

Orpah tried to stand, but was forced back into her chair by the three other women. She tried to struggle, but it was no use. Her clothes came off like wrapping paper and she cried for help as three
sets of fangs closed in.

Rather than biting her, the three women began to lick and caress all the places that men had never thought to. They teased her, flipped all of her switches, tenderly mingling pleasure with pain.
They entered her physically and spiritually, changing her. She could feel herself being garbled and as she came she was reborn.

The guards smiled at her and backed away allowing her to sit up. Head still spinning, she looked at herself in the large mirror to her right. Her eyes were glowing electric blue, but soon faded.

She was surprised to find that, aside from feeling better than she had in years, she was the same old Orpah. There were no sudden urges to eat children or bite the heads off puppies. Maybe it
wasn’t such a bad idea after all.

She explored the new oral topography with her tongue and smiled. “So, when do we get started?”

Six months later

Orpah peeked around the curtain at the thousands of cheering Japanese women who had come to honor her. More than half were dressed in the Gothic Lolita style and the remainder was made up of
superheroes, clowns, furries and uniformed officers.

“What is wrong with Japanese people?” she muttered as she stepped back into the shadows.

Here she was to give a speech to commemorate the conversion of the last human female and these women were turning the event into a circus. This was serious business. She had just solved all the
world’s problems. It seemed the least they could have done to thank her would be to refrain from stupid antics inspired by vampire movies. If she had to watch one more teenager in pancake make-up
raise their hands and go “Bleah,” she was going to scream.

It didn’t make any sense. All the other planets had converted without incident. Why were humans so different? Just because they’d seen a vampire on TV they seemed to think that was the way they
were supposed to act. Despite her speeches and all the laws that she had passed docile men were being killed every day by overzealous converts and she was beginning to wonder if the C.U.N.T. was
right about men being the problem.

Even without speaking a word of Japanese she could tell that her time was almost up. Any second she would hear her name and she would have to take the stage and pretend that this mockery was as
nice and thoughtful as it was intended to be. Strange how after all these years in the business she still got butterflies before she went on.

“…welcomeu Orpah Zigfried!” The prime Mistress held out her hand in welcome as the roar of their admiration crashed against the stage.

She strapped on her best rich-lady smile and strode confidently to the podium. “Konichi wa. Thank you so much for inviting me to your lovely country. This is a very special day. One which we should
all hold dear in our memories as the day the human race was set free. We no longer have to worry about overpopulation, aging or death. We have put an end to war, famine and disease once and for
all. I’d like to thank each and every one of you for your help in achieving this. We couldn’t have done it without you. Give yourselves a hand. You deserve it,” she said, clapping along with them.

When the clapping dies down she continued, “A wise man once said,” she ignored the booing and continued, “with great power comes great responsibility. Now that we hold the reins of the world it is
up to us to steer it in the right direction. We must learn to coexist with all living things. We must make the switch to one hundred percent green energy, curb our consumption, and use only
biodegradable substances in every area of our lives. Most importantly, we must make it a point to treat men better than they have treated us.”

The tsunami of booing swelled, growing couple of decibels louder than the previous applause.

“Now, see, that’s what I’m talking about. Why did you boo when I said a wise man? Not all men are bad and they are not all inferior. They are necessary for our survival and many of them have a lot
to offer us. That is why I passed the eMansipation proclamation making it illegal to kill or cage a man against his will. I know that there are rumors that I made it up to keep the men from coming
after us with torches and wooden stakes, but I assure you that is not the case.

“Please be kind to men. Lead by example. If you must take pleasure in hurting them, hurt their egos by showing them that they were wrong to indulge in violence and oppression. Compassion and wisdom
in dealing with your former oppressors will show that you are far more superior than any display of violence ever could.”

The Prime Mistress smiled slyly and floated over to her. She put her arm around Orpah’s shoulders and kissed her on the cheek. “Everyone, another round of applause for Orpah Zigfried!”

The booing gave way to half-hearted clapping and Orpah took a step back, shocked that the leader of a country which had been known for centuries as one of the most respectful in the world would cut
her off in the middle of such an important statement. She was led over to a chair at the side of the stage as the Prime Mistress ran her fingers playfully over the laces of her corset. There was
something mischievous in her eyes as she pulled the microphone out of its stand that sent a chill up Orpah’s spine.

“We love you very much, but I am afraid that we must respectfully disagree with your philosophy. Many men have tried to attack us since the C.U.N.T. began to grow powerful. Many have died on both
sides. It seems that men are not so willing to live in peace beside us. For instance, today as the stage was being decorated, we found a man trying to place a snuke underneath the stage. Why must
we show him mercy? Is it not better to send a message that we will not tolerate such behavior?” She held the microphone out for Orpah to answer.

“No, it’s not. Violence begets violence. No wonder men are attacking us. Many women are behaving like monsters from a bad movie. They don’t seem to understand the principals that this movement was
based on.”

“In other words, you don’t think that we should do things like this?”

She gave a signal and the backdrop of the stage was released, revealing a nude man who had been bound in the shape of a swastika and hung upside down from a crane. The man was raised high above the
cheering crowd before having his head removed by a flying guillotine. Blood shot out over the euphoric women who opened their mouths and their tops and commenced lapping at the warm, sticky
body-shots from above.

Orpah began to panic. The C.U.N.T. was watching and she knew that this was not what they wanted to see. “Stop that right now. This is why we’re the laughing stock of the universe. I can not stress
enough how important it is that we adhere to the C.U.N.T.’s rules. To ignore them is to go to war with the entire galaxy. I was put in charge because they knew that I would stand up for the law of
love, but I don’t mind telling you that, should I fail to create the peaceful world that they expect, they will send in their forces to do it for me.”

As if on cue, one of the C.U.N.T.’s saucers uncloaked above the crows and zapped crane and victim alike, atomizing them both and flooding the area with the unmistakable scent of peaches and cream.
A booming yet somehow sultry voice boomed over the crowd. “This assembly is now over. Please disperse.”

The women stayed put and watched the Prime Mistress as addressed the saucer, hundreds of years of suicidal bravery radiating from her face, “Hello there alien lady. I am Prime Mistress Suki-chan.
It is an honor to have you in our airspace. Won’t you come down and share a cup of tea?”

“Thank you, Suki-chan, but that is not possible. Please disperse or there will be consequences.”

“I am sorry that you feel that way. I was hoping to have a pleasant conversation about the political future of our planet. Orpah is a lovely lady, but she does not feel the same way about things as
the majority of her constituency. We will hold her here until you change your mind.”

Orpah felt the familiar prickle of teleportation begin to spread across her skin and soon she was safe inside the main conference room watching the attempted coup play out on her wall-sized
monitor.

Urtha’s voice came over the intercom, “Orpah, what would you have me do with these would be usurpers?”

“I think you’ve made your point.” The leader of the free world pressed the speaker button and addressed the crowd, “Everyone please go home now and you will not be punished. I’m willing to forget
about this as long as you promise not to try anything like this ever again. You can’t win anyway. The C.U.N.T. is way too powerful.”

Rather than appreciating the mercy of their benevolent ruler, the women all produced laser rifles and began firing at the saucer.

She sighed and took a seat in her favorite chair. “Where were they hiding those things?” she wondered as the beams were absorbed and turned into fuel. She looked closer and saw that the parasols
that all the gothic lolitas had been carrying were actually laser rifles.

Urtha once again addressed the crowd, “You have fifteen seconds to disperse. This is your last chance before we are forced to take disciplinary action.”

The Prime Mistress only smiled and pressed a button under the podium. The ground began to shake visibly and many in the crowd had to grab a hold of each other for support. “Fine, so our lasers will
not pierce your shields. We had anticipated that. Behold your undoing!”

A small dumpy building to the right of the stage exploded as Godzilla was unleashed. The infamous protector spotted the saucer right away and let loose his mighty nuclear breath. The shields
absorbed the power at first, but quickly overloaded causing the engines to explode and the ship to fall like a weakly tossed Frisbee. A wave of blood and limbs surged out from under them as they
came to rest in the center of the crowd, but rather than fear or fright the vampire rebel force stood back up, cheered victoriously, and commenced banging on the saucer with their parasols.

“Earth for Earthlings! Earth for Earthlings! Earth for Earthlings!” they chanted as their lacy, black accessories thwacked against the hull.

“Not so high and mighty now, are you space lady?”

“Auxiliary power kicked in and Orpah’s screen lit up with an image of a hissing, blood-drenched woman in a half-open banana costume smearing blood across the camera with her breasts as she
scrambled to crawl on top. Shifting her focus to the giant lizard, she noticed that he was wearing a sort of metal headband. Upon further magnification, she noticed a small figure on the roof of a
nearby building with what looked like a remote control.

“Crap, they’re controlling him with some sort of headband thing. Let’s get outta here!”

The ship shuddered and then began to rise, but hardly rose above the bonsai garden before another burst of reptile breath blasted them to the ground. Orpah tumbled backwards as the on-board gravity
was disabled. Horrifying though it was, her journey ended in Urtha’s arms as she rolled into the bridge.

“H...how did I get here?”

“There are many safety features on this ship which you are not aware of. In the event of total power failure the ship’s last action is to shift it’s hallways into a slide leading from any occupied
areas to the bridge. You are lucky that you were on the top part of the ship though.”

“Oh, OK. Now what? Are we going to die?”

“No, but they are. I gave them every opportunity to leave. They chose to attack and now they can deal with the program we call “bad loser”. You will want to strap yourself into that chair over
there and hold on now.”

When everyone was buckled in Urtha raised a side panel of the captain’s chair and pulled a rip cord. The roar of a massive gas engine was the last thing Orpah had expected to hear, but it filled
her with hope nonetheless.

The orb in which they sat began to rattle itself loose from the rest of the ship. With a mighty roar they were propelled to safety. Urtha unbuckled herself and opened the hatch allowing her crew to
exit onto the roof of a medium sized building about five blocks from the stage. Godzilla towered in the distance, his nasal roar shaking the clouds as the ship exploded killing everything within a
three block radius and blasting the onlookers with a wall of smoke and debris.

“Bad loser?” Orpah asked, rhetorically.

“Bad loser.” The C.U.N.Ts responded, laughing.

Unsurprisingly, Godzilla was only stunned. He dusted himself off, shook his head and roared bitchily. Squinting into the distance Orpah could see that he had lost both headband and puppeteer in the
blast. She crossed her arms and stroked her chin as she waited to see whether he would rampage or lumber back into the sea. He was poised to do the latter when something caught his attention
overhead.

Something red swooshed around the perimeter, buzzing the women’s rooftop and then heading straight for the monster. Godzilla belched fire at it, but it was too fast to hit. The odd red blur came
closer, buzzing around his head like a curious wasp. We swatted at it and unleashed another series of nuclear burps, but never came close to making contact.

“What the hell is that?”

Urtha looked as confused as she was. “I don’t know. Binoculars!”

One of her subordinates ran inside the craft and returned with a small silver device which Urtha put to her eye and gasped. “Who is that? I did not know your planet had flying deer.”

Confused, Orpah took the binoculars from her and held them up to her eyes. She couldn’t believe what she saw. “But, Santa isn’t real.”

“Santa? Oh, I remember now. Santa, the fat man that threatens children and forces parents to spend money they don’t have on junk they don’t want. I was under the impression that he was a marketing
gimmick.”

“That’s not what Santa is all about. He brings joy to children, or at least the idea of him does. He’s not supposed to be real.”

“He looks real enough to me.”

The sleigh whipped around Godzilla’s head three more times and then parked on top of it. Orpah watched as he climbed out and whispered something into the monster’s tiny ear. Godzilla’s roar of
concurrence was nearly drowned out by another coming from the street below. They looked down and found the streets packed with at least one-hundred-thousand angry men, all rushing through the
doorway of their building.

“That can’t be good,” Orpah said as she sat on the ledge. “What now?”

For the first time, Urtha looked genuinely scared. “I don’t know. This has never happened before. People normally appreciate what we do. What is wrong with you people? Why would you rather die than
live in peace?”

“Beats me.”

“I have an idea, but I’m not sure how well it will work. I have been working on a device which will increase the size of an object. It has never been tried on anything living, but in theory it
should work. I will make myself huge, crush this building and all the men in it, set you down on another roof, and go fight the monster. I doubt that I will survive, but it should allow you time to
escape in the confusion.”

“That is a stupid plan. You will get yourself killed.”

“I do not mind giving my life to save yours. It is for the good of the group. I doubt that the monster is walking over here to rescue us from the men. I must do this before we all die. ”

“No. Let me go. I can not live without you.”

“Oh Urtha, I love you too, but this is my invention. I would not be able to live with myself if it ended badly.”

“We will all die if it ends badly. You will not have to live with yourself.”

“It is my invention and I am going. That is final.”

Time was running out and Urtha was forced to concede. They embraced each other, kissing so deeply, so passionately that it looked for a moment as though they had forgotten their situation. Finally
they broke apart and the science officer demanded, “Now get on my hand bitch.”

She pulled something the size of a keychain out from between her breasts, pointed it at herself and pushed the button. The growth started out slowly, but grew exponentially making it fairly easy to
clamber onto her palm. Everyone was well in hand by the time the building collapsed beneath them. Bumpy though the ride was, she set them down on a nearby rooftop relatively unharmed.

Godzilla looked confused, but less than worried by this latest development. He beat his chest and roared as the C.U.N.T. officer rushed him. She may not have had the benefit of being armor plated
or able to fly or drill under the ground, but as it happened she was faster than any of his previous foes. They were both surprised to find that a ten story vampire with advanced military training
can hold her own against a fire-breathing dinosaur. Santa had barely made it off Godzilla’s head when Ilsa began using it to gut skyscrapers.

Santa whooshed over in front of C.U.N.T. and dismounted. “Ho, ho, hold it right there. You’ve all been very naughty.” He was carrying a long candy-cane in his left hand. With his right he twisted
the handle and unsheathed the sword.

Orpah stumbled backward and fell on her ass. “But, aren’t you supposed to bring presents.”

“I do that one day a year. The other three-hundred-and-sixty-four I bring pain to gash sucking fascists from outer space.” With that he executed a jumping slash which shouldn’t have been possible
for a man of his girth and removed the legs of all four of Urtha’s bodyguards.

In the ten seconds before they all bled to death all four valiantly unloaded their laser pistols in his general direction. Unfortunately for Orpah, aiming is very difficult when everything is going
black. With nothing between them and Santa, Orpah appealed to his good nature. “Santa, why are you doing this? All we wanted was to bring peace to the world.”

“Good job.” Santa pulled a pipe out of his utility belt and lit it. “Do you want to know what you actually did? Men were happy being equals, but not anymore. I’ll tell you what happens now. My
elves have cooked up a germ that merges with the vampire germ, turning it into a strain of Bubonic plague which only affects the carriers of that gene. When all the monsters have died off we will
clone a new race of women, women 2.0 if you will. They will have large breasts, small IQs, and fast metabolisms to keep them trim. Their mouths and rectums will have clitorises they will have
ramped up sex drives to match. They will know only what we tell them and nothing like this will ever happen again.”

“But, that’s horrible. How could you?”

Urtha had heard enough. With every ounce of her augmented agility she launched at Santa. Unfurling her whip, she popped the candy-cane sword off of his hip and was about to wrap it around his neck.
He caught it instead and jerked her towards him. He caught her neck with his other hand and pressed her mouth to the corner of the roof. With a sickening crunch he brought down his furry boot on
the back of her neck, severing the top of her head and allowing it to drop to the street below.

He turned his attention to Orpah who began to call to Ilsa for help. Ilsa turned and, seeing the inside of her lover’s throat oozing down the side of the building, momentarily lost her grip.
Godzilla seized the opportunity to push her back and then pin her against a building with the spikes on his back. They began to glow and soon the air was thick with the stench of microwaved
vampire. Blood bubbled out from her eye sockets as the monster pulled away allowing her to melt down his back like hot cheese.

“Just you and me now,” Santa said, stroking his big fluffy beard. He had an evil glint in his eye. “You ask how I can do this? You should know. I’m doing this for freedom, for America. This is the
American way. It’s worked up till now and it’ll work for years to come. Now open up and take your medicine like a good little girl.”

Santa pulled a small cylinder from the back of his belt and hit a button, releasing the telescopic wood-tipped spear. He reared back and plunged it deep into her breast and as it hit the concrete
wall behind her a little American flag popped out the other end.

She glared up at him incredulously. “You ought to be ashamed of yourself. Kids look up to you.”

“Better me than you, ya pretentious bitch. Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.”

She could feel the life draining out of her, but she could already see it coming. “Your violence has killed us all,” she said as the bright green light enveloped the world. Santa howled in pain as
the world broke apart into its base elements and began to float toward the sun.