Note: This is a seattlepi.com reader blog. It is not written or edited by the P-I. The authors are solely responsible for content. E-mail us at newmedia@seattlepi.com if you consider a post inappropriate..

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills: How I learned to stop worrying and love Yoyawnda

Yoyawnda is here to slap some truth into you, Marisa Zanuck. Take it. Take the truth. (bravotv.com)

She does not like to drink and judges those who do, she becomes sanctimonious over a roasted chicken, she gloats about single-handedly turning the tide of feminism back 70 years with her retrograde marital dynamic and from her 17,000 sq. ft. mansion in Malibu, she bemoans the fact that she can only afford one show horse for her daughter. And yet, Yoyawnda, all smug 8 feet of her, she has become my favorite (well, maybe third favorite) Housewife in one fell swoop thanks to this:

THAT IS THE STUFF RIGHT THERE, MRS. DAVID FOSTER. MAKE THEM EAT IT. YOU ARE THE BEST. LET’S BE FRIENDS AND EXCHANGE LEMON RECIPES AND TALK ABOUT HOW LA MALOOF IS NOBODY.

But first things first.

We begin as Lisa and Giggy enjoy their ridiculous view from PINK HOUSE’s Vanderveranda, when Grandpa Ken comes out and demands that Lisa dress him. Shall he wear this absurd blue blouse or this preposterous pink blouse to the renewing of their Vandervows? Lisa dismisses Grandpa Ken as an idiot before calling Pandora for a boring conversation about I don’t even know what who cares.

Brandi arrives for a Vandermassage with Lisa at PINK HOUSE, explaining that they are avoiding a party at the La Maloofs, not that Brandi was invited but, whatever, who cares. The two then spend their Maloofless time gossiping about the La Maloofs’ marriage, and Brandi suggests that it is a loveless business arrangement because she is a psychic has two eyes and watches the show. And then Brandi shoves Giggy up her robe while making some gross comments that are only outgrossed by Grandpa Ken who “hope[s] [Giggy] didn’t get thirsty between [her] legs.” GROSS, GRANDPA KEN. NO, GRANDPA KEN. Grandpa Ken then mounts Lisa and someone needs to go get the hose and spray down Grandpa Ken. GET DOWN, GRANDPA KEN. BAD, GRANDPA KEN.

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As for that party Lisa and Brandi are missing, it is La Maloof’s backyard party for her new vodka line; which, yes, of course La Maloof has her own vodka line. IF LISA CAN HAVE HER OWN VANDERVODKA, LA MALOOF CAN HAVE HER OWN MALOOF 80 PROOF AND ANDY COHEN CAN’T STOP HER. To celebrate the launch of her Red Velvet flavored Maloof 80 Proof, La Maloof covers her already very very tasteful mansion in giant walls of red roses, spray-painted naked ladies, and disembodied hands, all of which are perfect visual metaphors for what Red Velvet flavored vodka must taste like: rose petals, body glitter and hand sweat.

La Maloof orders Bernie the Chef to dim the lights to better display the flashing LED embedded in the Maloof 80 Proof bottle, as nothing goes better with Red Velvet flavored vodka than seizures! There is then some sort of altercation between the La Maloofs about plates? I didn’t follow because it was an argument about plates and I refuse to try to care about plates.

The other women who are not Lisa or Brandi (Or Taylor? Where’s Taylor?) arrive at the party and gawk at the naked people pretending to be statues because they’ve never been to New Orleans or Las Vegas or Times Square before, and then everyone takes a shot of Red Velvet Maloof 80 Proof, except Yoyawnda doesn’t drink hers because Red Velvet flavored vodka.

At some point, Marisa Zanuck gathers the other women around to read a text that she received from Brandi: “I think I know what will save your marriage,” it begins, shocking SHOCKING! Marisa Zanuck because for starters, who says Marisa Zanuck has an unhappy marriage aside from Marisa Zanuck who is constantly blathering about how badly she would like to sleep with someone, anyone other than her stupid boring husband. The nerve! But wait, there’s more! “…You each should give each other a hall pass.” A HALL PASS! HOW DARE BRANDI BLATANTLY SUGGEST THE THING THAT MARISA ZANUCK IS CONSTANTLY SUGGESTING PASSIVE AGGRESSIVELY?

Kyle, for one, is outraged. Why, that is just sanctioned cheating! And La Maloof sneers that Brandi isn’t exactly one to give marital advice WHICH IS RICH COMING FROM YOU, LA MALOOF. Marisa Zanuck continues to say that she replied, “No thank you, I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Which, yes! Yes, you most certainly do know what Brandi is talking about, Marisa Zanuck! Quit lying, Marisa Zauck! Marisa Zanuck explains that she notices when men are attractive, sure! Loudly and often and in front of her husband whom she has described as “not her type” to his face. Marisa Zanuck notices when other men are attractive and talks about how badly she would like to sleep with someone new in front of her husband all the time! But that doesn’t mean she wants a free pass to cheat on him, come on. Marisa Zanuck adds that Brandi does talk about threesomes an awful lot, and once said that she had had one when she was married, to which The Morally Corrupt Faye Resnick clucks that this must be why Brandi’s marriage failed.

Yoyawnda, however, is having none of this nonsense and insists that if Marisa Zanuck has an issue with Brandi, she take it up with Brandi to her face, because Yoyawnda has apparently forgotten what show she is on. Marisa Zanuck ignores Yoyawnda’s adult and reasonable suggestion and decides that Brandi has a crush on her husband. Yoyawnda laughs at the notion and explains that Brandi flirts with everyone. And Kyle, to her credit, adds that after what Brandi went through in her own divorce, she is not the type to chase a married man. “Oh darling, we all know about what happened at The White Party,” The Morally Corrupt Faye Resnick chides. “When Brandi was seen naked in one of your daughter’s bathrooms with a married man,” she adds without ANY PROOF WHATSOEVER. Yoyawnda calls this the unsubstantiated rumor that it is, and refuses to “throw Brandi under the bus.” La Maloof argues that Brandi has thrown them all under the bus at one point or another, and Yoyawnda is like, “ORLY? When did she ‘throw me under the bus?’” But all La Maloof can do is add vaguely that there was that one time when Brandi said that one thing about Yoyawnda… “ORLY? What thing?” prods Yoyawnda. But La Maloof just raises her eyebrows in response because there was no thing because she is a La Lying Liar who La Lies. Yoyawnda admonishes La Maloof to not trash talk, to look a person in the eyes if they have something to say, and La Maloof sputters ineffectively in return.

AHEM. (realitytvgifs.tumblr.com)

So Yoyawnda and Kyle leave the table and the remaining women, including Camille, La Maloof, Marisa Zanuck and The Morally Corrupt Faye Resnick talk about what a monster Brandi is because FACTS SHALL NOT RUIN THEIR NARRATIVE!

Meanwhile, for reasons grand and mysterious, Dr. Mr. La Maloof strips to his underpants, is spray-painted like a tree, and climbs into an actual tree with other spray-painted naked people. La Maloof looks for her husband, and is told by her people that he seemed upset about something and left, only to then direct her attention to said tree. Ha ha ha, isn’t Dr. Mr. La Maloof funny, La Maloof? NO, HE’S PATHETIC, she growls. GET DOWN FROM THERE. PARTY OVER. EVERYONE GO HOME.

The next day? A week later? The next year? WHO KNOWS. At some later point, Lisa takes a moment from her Vandervow renewal preparations to explain that La Maloof has just confirmed online that she and Dr. Mr. La Maloof have separated. Too bad, so sad, Lisa Vandershrugs before going and yelling at the part-time male dancers milling about in her kitchen. “MAKE THE FOOD VANDERSEXY,” she demands.

Lisa then turns her attention to That Kevin Person who is chi-chi-ching his way around the property, poking at floral arrangements. “GET IN THE POND,” Lisa Vandermands of That Kevin Person at one point for no particular reason. “TAKE OFF YOUR PANTS AND GET IN THE POND.” He complies. It’s Beverly Hills, darling! And here are his chi-chi-chis!

Meanwhile, we ride along with Brandi and one of the Amazons in their limo to the PINK HOUSE, and they discuss La Maloof’s separation. “IT SAD,” mumbles The Amazon. Brandi, however, finds the timing suspect and suggests that it’s all for publicity — that there had been rumors for a while now that the La Maloofs were sleeping in different rooms and having affairs, so, you know, why now? And this is fascinating: so Bravo is unafraid to air Brandi suggesting that the La Maloofs had been cheating on one another based on nothing whatsoever, but whatever it is that she said that one time she said something — something that pretty much everyone involved agrees was a true statement, that they won’t air? How exhausted must Bravo’s in-house counsel have been this season! Brandi also reveals to The Amazon that Yoyawnda told her all about what the other women were saying about her supposedly sleeping with married men, to which The Amazon is all, “NO. BAD. ME CRUSH THEM.”

We also ride along with the Kyles to Lisa’s, and Kyle worries and flaps her hands and talks about how shocked! SHOCKED! she is at the La Maloofs’ news: she thought for sure ganging up on Brandi was bringing the couple closer together! Like the old adage says: “The couple who drafts spurious legal actions together, stays together!”

So everyone arrives at PINK HOUSE dressed in their funereal best (except for Brandi who wore bridal white), and Lisa and Kyle talk about the sad, sad case of The La Maloofs, and they frown and they shake their heads, and it’s really just so terrible isn’t it, now let’s go drink some pink wine and celebrate marriage, hooray!

Brandi, who doesn’t flirt with married men (other than Grandpa Ken) does flirt with Lisa and Grandpa Ken’s Vanderpriest, and then approaches Mauricio, wondering if she’s ever flirted with him. “Uh, no?” replies Mauricio, because of course she didn’t flirt with Mauricio. Lisa Vanderwonders what this is all about, and Brandi explains the whole Radar Online story that came out about her having sex with a married man at Kyle’s White Party — an article that just happened to be written by the same journalist who broke the story about The La Maloof separation. Ahem.

Taylor arrives with a coterie of men, who even knows/cares who they are, and chats with Sober Kim about The La Maloofs, in whom Sober Kim is very disappointed. They are a married couple! They aren’t supposed to get divorced! Good logic, Sober Kim.

Kyle and Camille also discuss the situation, and Kyle puts forward her “Hating Brandi should have brought them together” theory, which is not a very good theory, really, not when you think about it for more than three seconds. Some nobody with whom they are discussing the situation explains that La Maloof told her that Dr. Mr. La Maloof’s priorities were out of line, and that he just wanted too much attention, to which Kyle reminds her that there are two sides to every story. Also, what?

And then that Linda Once-Dated-Elvis-Presley-Once-Was-Married-to-Mr.-Kris-Kardashian-Once-Was-Married-to-David-Foster Woman who last season attempted to cheer up a drunk and weeping Taylor by telling her that the ocean would be there long after she was dead, interrupts Lisa and the Present Mrs. Foster to give Lisa some homemade wedding Vanderjam before fleeing from the terrifying and beautiful visage of her replacement. Thanks?

Yoyawnda then marches over to HER husband to whom SHE is MARRIED and begins yammering at anyone who will listen that she considers David Foster her “king” and that it is strength, not weakness, for a woman to be obedient to her husband and just gag. YOU ARE UNDOING ALL OF THE GOOD THINGS THAT YOU DID EARLIER, YOYAWNDA. STOP IT.

Meanwhile, The Morally Corrupt Faye Resnick and her fiance, Not!Nic Cage arrive, just as Yoyawnda takes Marisa Zanuck aside to talk to Brandi. Wasn’t there something Marisa Zanuck wanted to say to Brandi? Just the other night… something about a text? Marisa Zanuck sputters at Brandi that, hey, mang! It’s cool! Everyone’s friends here! Brandi wonders if this is the case, why Marisa Zanuck waited until Brandi wasn’t around to talk about her to other people. It’s not a big deal suddenly! Marisa Zanuck tries to explain. I mean, it was a big enough deal for me to bring up to a crowd of women who hate you so as to try to hang with the cool kids, but now in the cold light of day and with you standing in front of her, no biggie! Brandi claims she was just trying to be helpful with her hall pass suggestion (Quick note to Brandi: that was not helpful. You should have gone with “it was a joke.”), that Marisa Zanuck herself is the one who is constantly saying that if she could, she would make the sexytimes with someone tall, dark and Latin. I would! responds Marisa Zanuck, utterly scandalizing Yoyawnda. But it’s a joke! Marisa Zanuck tries. It’s a joke but it isn’t a joke!

At this point, The Morally Corrupt Faye Resncik decides that she shall ride to Madam Marisa Zanuck’s rescue, which no one asked for, least of all Marisa Zanuck. Brandi attempts to warn The Morally Corrupt Faye Resnick off by telling her that The Morally Corrupt Faye Resnick is not involved with this, and that she can go; which, honestly, could be said of every situation that The Morally Corrupt Faye Resnick attempts to interject herself into on this show. I’M INVOLVED WITH EVERYTHING, The Morally Corrupt Faye Resnick announces. Brandi and Yoyawnda sigh heavily.

The Morally Corrupt Faye Resnick turns to Yoyawnda and informs her that she is being misled by a “very bad girl,” to which Yoyawnda takes exception, being that she is a 48-year-old woman who can handle her own business, thank you. Brandi repeats that the conversation they are having does not involve The Morally Corrupt Faye Resnick, to which The Morally Corrupt Faye Resnick proclaims that no matter how many Chanels Brandi borrows, she’ll never be a lady. Because who better to consult on what constitutes class than a woman who spread her boobs and hoo-ha all over the pages of Playboy in the wake of her best friend’s notorious and grisly murder? She’s a regular Lady Mary, this one. And then The Morally Corrupt Faye Resnick blames Brandi for The La Maloofs’ separation because, sure, why not, see what will stick, and Brandi and Yoyawnda storm away from her because THAT IS ENOUGH OUT OF YOU, THE MORALLY CORRUPT FAYE RESNICK. ARE YOU EVEN AWARE THAT WORDS ARE COMING OUT OF YOUR MOUTH RIGHT NOW? BECAUSE THEY ARE: STUPID WORDS ARE COMING DIRECTLY OUT OF YOUR MOUTH RIGHT NOW AND WE CAN ALL HEAR THEM.

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Finale next week, darlings. Until then, chi-chi-chi.

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills airs Tuesdays at 7 p.m. on Bravo.

Note: This is a seattlepi.com reader blog. It is not written or edited by the P-I. The authors are solely responsible for content. E-mail us at newmedia@seattlepi.com if you consider a post inappropriate..