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Friday, August 08, 2003

CAPTURED PRISONER ADMITS: I AM OSAMA BIN LADEN

In an unexpected announcement yesterday, US Attorney General John Ashcroft revealed that a captured prisoner, held at Guantanamo, Cuba since the Afghanistan war, has admitted to being Osama bin Laden.

"We suspected all along that the man calling himself Rashid Habib was in fact the brutal terrorist. I am extremely pleased to report that last week, after 14 months of excellent work by Justice Department interrogators, he finally admitted it."

When asked what the "work" entailed, Ashcroft replied that he wasn't at liberty to divulge the Department's techniques. "Of course, he was well treated throughout our discussions; the United States isn't in the business of coercion." The press conference ended abruptly, however, after a reporter asked, "But reports from your own agency have already implicated you in coercive behavior in treatment of other detainees." The Attorney General called it nonsense and dismissed the reporter as "dangerously unpatriotic."

The President, speaking later in the day from between service games at the tennis courts of his Crawford, Texas home, made a brief, laconic statement. "I told you we'd smoke 'em out. Well?"

To complicate matters, France has declared that the prisoner is in fact Rashid Habib, a barista and native of Paris. Said French Ambassador with usual Gallic overstatement, "It is an outrage. The United States can no longer claim to be a democracy!" After denouncing the US, the ambassador held up a picture of Habib. It revealed a somewhat plump man bearing little obvious resemblance to the famed terrorist. "Tell me: this is Osama bin Laden?"

When asked what would happen next to bin Laden, DOJ officials read from a prepared statement. "Osama bin Laden is the most dangerous criminal ever prosecuted by the United States. Due to issues of national security, he will be prosecuted by a military tribunal. Of course, we must also protect the nation by shielding them from bin Laden's evil ways and therefore he will not be made available to media scrutiny. He will be tried secretly, where he will, God willing, be found guilty of his heinous crime. We will announce the results of the trial as soon as it is complete."