"Oh! Good heavens! Have we come to this?" said Maria. "Well give me 50 Methodist and 50 Church of England ones please."

Just before Christmas, an honest politician, a generous lawyer and Santa Claus were riding in the elevator of a very posh hotel. Just before the doors opened they all noticed a $20 bill lying on the floor.

Which one picked it up?

Santa of course, because the other two don't exist!

It was just before Christmas and the magistrate was in a happy mood. He asked the prisoner who was in the dock, 'What are you charged with?'

The prisoner replied, 'Doing my Christmas shopping too early.'

'That's no crime', said the magistrate. 'Just how early were you doing this shopping?'

'Before the shop opened', answered the prisoner.

One Christmas, Joe and Peter built a skating rink in the middle of a field. A shepherd leading his flock decided to take a shortcut across the rink. The sheep, however, were afraid of the ice and wouldn't cross it. Desperate, the shepherd began tugging them to the other side.

'Look at that, 'remarked Peter to Joe, 'That guy is trying to pull the wool over our ice!'

It was coming up to Christmas and Sammy asked his mum if he could have a new bike. She told him that the best idea would be to write to Santa Claus. But Sam, having just played a vital role in the school nativity play, said he would prefer to write to the baby Jesus. So his mum told him that would be fine.

Sam went to his room and wrote,'Dear Jesus, I have been a very good boy and would like to have a bike for Christmas.'

But he wasn't very happy when he read it over. So he decided to try again and this time he wrote:'Dear Jesus, I'm a good boy most of the time and would like a bike for Christmas.'

He read it back and wasn't happy with that one either. He tried a third version:'Dear Jesus, I could be a good boy if I tried hard and especially if I had a new bike.'

He read that one too, but he still wasn't satisfied.So, he decided to go out for a walk while he thought about a better approach. After a short time he passed a house with a small statue of the Virgin Mary in the front garden. He crept in, stuffed the statue under his coat, hurried home and hid it under the bed. Then he wrote this letter.'Dear Jesus, If you want to see your mother again, you'd better send me a new bike.'

While working as a mall Santa, I had many children ask for electric trains. "If you get a train," I would tell each one, "you know your dad is going to want to play with it too. Is that okay?"

The usual answer was a quick yes, but after I asked one boy this question, he became very quiet. Trying to move the conversation along, I asked what else he would like Santa to bring him. He promptly replied, "Another train."

NORTH POLE (API) - MICROSOFT announced an agreement with Santa Claus Industries to acquire Christmas at a press conference held via satellite from Santa's summer estate somewhere in the southern hemisphere. In the deal, Microsoft would gain exclusive rights to Christmas, Reindeer, and other unspecified inventions. In addition, Microsoft will gain access to millions of households through the Santa Sleigh.

The announcement also included a notice that beginning December 9, 1997, Christmas and the Reindeer names would be copyrighted by Microsoft. This unprecedented move was facilitated by the recently acquired MS Court. Microsoft stated its commitment to "all who have made Christmas great," and vowed to "make licensing of the Christmas and Reindeer names available to all." It is believed that the guidelines for licensing these names, due before Halloween, will be very strict.

When asked "Why buy Christmas?" Bill Gates replied "Microsoft has been working on a more efficient delivery mechanism for all of our products for some time, but recognized that the Santa Sleigh has some immediate benefits. We'll use it first for the next release of Windows and Office 98."

In a multimedia extravaganza, the attendees were shown a seemingly endless video stream of products that make up the deal. It ended with a green and red version of the Microsoft logo, and a new Christmas 97 trademark, leading into the announcement of the first product from the deal.

Vixen, the new Director of Holidays and Celebrations said, "The first step is to assimilate Christmas within the Microsoft Organization. This will take some time, so don't expect any changes this year." She continued, "our big plans are for next year, when we release Christmas 98. It will be bigger and better than last year." She further elaborated that "Windows 95 users who sign up with MS Network will get sneak previews of Christmas[98] as early as November first."

Christmas 97 is scheduled for release in December of 1997, though one unnamed source said that it is dangerously close to the end of the year and may slip into the first half of 1998. An economist at Goldman-Sachs explained that a slip would be catastrophic to next year's economy and the nation's tax revenue, possibly requiring the IRS to move the deadline for filing income tax returns to three months after Christmas, whenever that was. "But it could be good in the long term," he explained. "With Microsoft controlling Christmas, we may see it move to May or June, which are much slower months for retailers. This may serve to even out the economy over the year."

When asked if other holidays are being considered, Mr. Gates explained that "Christmas is the flagship of holidays, so we wanted to start there. Not all holidays are available for sale, and the remaining will have to show a good long-term business," suggesting that holidays with a short history may not be in the plans.

Though specific terms of the agreement were withheld, a Santa official confirmed that the deal was "sizable, even for a man of Santa's stature." Some analysts think that Santa has saturated the Holiday market, and is looking for a means to expand his business to year 'round products and services. Others contend that the Jolly Red Man is looking to retire in Redmond.

A spokesperson for the most famous Reindeer could not be reached for comment.

A man, wearing only a bathrobe, bends over the Christmas tree to pick up a present.

His young son looks up the robe and asks, "Hey Dad! Who's getting the bagpipes?"

I wonder what Christmas will be,No merriment, good cheer or glee,Now that Santa's arrested,Because someone protested,That he laid some doll under their tree.

That wily old pervert St. NickMade good use of the curve to his dick.He glazed the whole shaftPainted stripes, then he laughedAs he offered young ladies a lick.

If you see a fat manwho's jolly and cuteWearing a beardand a red flannel suit

And if he is chucklingand laughing awayWhile flying aroundIn a miniature sleigh