INDIA -- If you haven't heard yet, then open your fucking ears and pay attention! An Indian woman by the name of Neojaroy Chordri (or something like that) has just created the world's largest pair of scissors ever and if that is not enough, she has written a whole book to accompany it!

The said scissors are 2.3 meters long and can cut through anything, from hair to kittens and even umbilical chords. "Finally! I can cut multiple sheets of paper simultaneously and save time! I have been awaiting this invention for so long!" said one enthusiastic scissorist from Kentucky.

The scissors were designed initially to cut through a very thick ribbon used in the release of Mrs. Chordri's new book, "The big pair of scissors that can cut through big things," after many failed attempts to cut through a ribbon to the release of her previous book, "Left-handed scissors for a right-handed person."

UnNews members struggled to retrieve comment from Mrs. Chordri as her bad pronunciation was so inaudible that her English was almost impossible to translate, because she mostly replaced the letter R with the letter L and the letter T with the letter D in her speech about her new book. Nevertheless, we did manage to get this much out of her, "Dank yal fol yal amazing suppold and I leally look folwald do indroducing my nexd book."

Mrs. Chordri's next book and project is said to be called, "A big stapler that can staple even Jesus himself to the cross," and she will be building a record-breaking stapler for those extremely stubborn, staple-jamming documents. She will even be using the stapler to bind the first copy of her new book in front of a big, happy, enthusiastic, easily-entertained audience.

"At this rate we can look forward to a range of ginormous stationary. Stationers can look forward to giant punches and 30 000 Mile long rulers for those giant documents which need to be filed in giant folders to be stored in giant cabinets for giant people," said an impressed administration worker, who has to deal with small, ineffective stationary on a daily basis.