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I Hate Your Fantasy Football Team

If you play fantasy football, I don’t hate you. If you constantly tell me about your fantasy team, then I hate you. I don’t care about your fantasy team. No one cares about your fantasy team except you. Even the people who help you set your fantasy team don’t care about your fantasy team. Matthew Berry, Eric Karabell, Evan Silva and Steve Cook might answer your fantasy questions, but they don’t care about your fantasy team unless you’re splitting the money with them. They don’t watch the games and go, “Oh, I told Jimmy Fantasy to start Eddie Lacy over Matt Forte today, and that’s working out well.”

No one on social media wants to hear about your fantasy team. We don’t care who you drafted, we don’t care if your top draft pick got injured, and we don’t care who won or lost you the week. We have our own teams, real and fantasy, to worry about.

I play fantasy football. It’s the only fantasy sport I play because it’s the only sport that I need to update once a week. I don’t play for money, I don’t check my team throughout the games on Sunday, and I don’t take it seriously. Some people try to make a dozen trades and are active on the waiver wire and have developed strategies and algorithms and equations that will lead them to victory each week. That’s cool. Shouts to those people who enjoy it far more than I do. I hope you’re making a bunch of money from all that.

I still don’t care about your team. I don’t care about the trade you made or the guy you got off the waiver wire. I don’t care about your draft strategy. Keep all of that to yourself, because no one cares. They may say they do, but trust me, they don’t.

The only people worse than those who constantly feel the need to keep the world updated on their fantasy team are the one’s who play daily fantasy football on FanDuel or DraftKings and feel the need to update the world on the 800 teams they’ve put together. Your 572nd lineup won you $10. Cool story, bro.

I take it back; there are worse people than those who update everyone on their daily fantasy team. It’s those that root for their fantasy team over their real team. If you’re in a million dollar league, I can understand wanting to win your fantasy league over seeing your favorite team win the Super Bowl. Otherwise, how can anyone want their fake team to succeed over their real team? If I’m playing a team that has Cam Newton and he throws for 400 yards and three touchdowns, I’m not going to be upset that I lost the week. I’m going to rejoice that the Panthers picked up a win or be pissed off that someone fucked up a great game by Newton and the Panthers lost.

Look at it like this: If you’re a fantasy player, you’re essentially the general manager of a football team, right? Right. You’re one of a million different general managers running a fantasy team. And you’re running a team based on what happens in real football, where there are already 32 different teams to keep up with. If you’re a casual football fan, you probably keep up with your team and have a general idea about the other 31 teams. You don’t have time to care about the team that your friend or a stranger is running, especially when those teams wouldn’t exist without the 32 teams that matter.

Play fantasy football. Have fun with it. Just don’t regularly update me on how your fantasy team is doing because I don’t care, and I hate you.