Vergne to return to old job

Following news that he has been dropped by Toro Rosso, Jean-Eric Vergne is to return to his old job as that irritatingly cool French snowboarding instructor your girlfriend fancies when you go on a week’s winter holiday in the Alps.

‘Zis is a job zat Jean-Eric loves,’ said one of his fellow instructors, casually drawing on an untipped Gitanes and staring wistfully down the valley, as if composing sensitive poetry in his head. ‘For sure, driving a Formula 1 car is satisfying. But not as satisfying as sweeping your snowboard to a perfect stop outside the equipment shop whilst smoking a cigarette without using your hands and then sauntering into the bar next door for a very small, strong coffee, strenuously pretending that you don’t know there are girls watching you.’

‘Jean-Eric is sorry to be leaving Toro Rosso after three seasons,’ said an official statement from Vergne’s management. ‘But he looks forward to getting back to meeting another man’s girlfriend on a skiing holiday and making her fall in love with his insouciant beany hat and casual snowboarding. If you would like to meet later, he will be sitting alone in Bar Roscoe in the village looking thoughtful whilst drinking a small, mysterious glass of spirits which he helped himself to from behind the counter because he knows the owner. Has anyone ever told you that you have beautiful eyes?’