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Limericks ... and similar

Was stung on the nose by a wasp,
When asked did it hurt,
He said "strewth yes",
But I'm glad it wasn't a hornet.

Mary had a little lamb,
She thought him very silly,
She threw him up into the air,
And caught him by his,
Willy was a sheepdog lying in the grass,
Down came a bumblebee and stang him on the,
Ask no questions, tell no lies,
I saw a policeman doing up his,
Flies are a problem, wasps are worse,
That is the end of my silly little verse.

High in the mountains, in the long grass,
Down came the elephant, sliding on his arse,
Don't be mistaken, don't be misled,
Down came the elephant, sliding on his head.

Mary had a little sheep,
And in her bed she let it sleep,
She did not know it was a ram,
Till Mary had a little lamb.,

Mary had a little lamb,
it used to leap so high,
it lept into a butchers shop,
and now it's mutton pie.

Mary had a little lamb,
She also had a bear,
I've often seen Mary's little lamb,
But I've never seen her bear.

Mary had a baby bear,
That followed her behind,
And everywhere that Mary went,
She had a bear behind.

Mary had a porcupine,
And left it on a chair,
She said 'They're only little pricks,
I hardly know they're there'.

She had another beast, a skunk,
She stole it from a zoo,
She told me that it came from Greece,
Or was it just 'Cor, phew!'

Of course, her midget elephant,
Gave trouble more than most,
It never could make decent tea,
And often burnt the toast.

Mary had a little bear,
To it she was so kind,
That everywhere that Mary went,
You saw her bear - running along beside her.

Mary had a little lamb,
The doctor nearly fainted!,

Mary had a little lamb,
She passed her plate and had some more.

Mary had a little lamb,
She ate it with mint sauce,
And everywhere that Mary went,
The lamb went too, of course.

Mary had a little lamb,
Her father shot it dead.
Now Mary takes the lamb to school,
Between two hunks of bread.

Little Miss Muffet,
Sat on a tuffet,
Eating her curds and whey.
Along came a spider,
who sat down beside her,
and said, "Hey, what's in the bowl bitch?"

Now Mary found the price of meat too high,
Which really didn't please her.
Tonight she's having leg of lamb,
The rest is in the freezer.

Jack be nimble,
Jack be quick.
Jack jumped over the candle stick,
And burnt his balls.

Mary had a little lamb,
She tied it to a pylon.
10,000 volts went up its ass,
And turned its wool to nylon.

Old mother Hubbard,
Went to the cupboard,
To get her poor dog a bone,
But when old mother bent over,
Rover drove her, 'cause,
Rover had a bone of his own.

Mary had a little watch,
She kept it in her garter.
And when the boys asked her the time,
She knew what they were after.

There once was an old lady,
That lived in a shoe,
She had so many kids that her,
Cunt could stretch over a trash can.

Mary had a little lamb,
You've heard this tale before;
But did you know she passed her plate,
And had a little more!

Old mother Hubbard went to the cupboard,
To get her poor daughter a dress,
But when she got there, the cupboard was bare,
And so was her daughter I guess.

Mary had a little lamb,
She kept in her yard.
Every time she took her panties off,
His little wooly dick got hard.

Mary had a little lamb,
Its fleece was black as charcoal.
Every time it jumped the fence,
You could see its little arsehole.

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall,
All the king's horses, and all the king's men,
Has one fucking big omelet.

Mary had a little lamb,
The doctors were astounded.
Everywhere that Mary went,
Gynecologists surrounded.

Jack and Jill went up the hill,
To fetch a pail of water.
Jill came down with half a crown,
But not for fetching water.

Mary had a little lamb,
A little roast, a little jam.
An ice-cream soda topped with fizz,
Boy, how sick our Mary is.

Little Jack Horner
Sat in the corner,
Fingering his sister Mary.
He stuck in his thumb,
And pulled out a plum,
And said, "Ain't it supposed to be a cherry?"

There was an old woman who lived in a shoe,
She said, "With my pension, that's all I can do.
It may be substandard, but just down the block,
I know an old lady who lives in a sock."

Mary had a little lamb,
She couldn't stop it crying;
So she kicked it in the ass one day,
And sent it fucking flying.

Mary had a little lamb,
Forever it was gluing.
Making models of its friends,
In strange positions, screwing.

Mary had a little lamb,
It used to chew her slippers;
So Mary chopped off all it's legs,
With a pair of clippers.

Mary had a little lamb,
It didn't have a willy.
Mary made a big mistake,
In calling this lamb Billy.

Mary had a little lamb,
She knew just what to do;
She gave it paper and a pen,
Upon which it then drew,
A picture of a pussy cat
And said "Look, this is mine."
And Mary said "Fuck me, a talking sheep!"

Mary had a little lamb,
That had a little tail.
Until she caught it smoking dope,
And locked it in the jail

Mary had a little lamb,
With carrots and with peas.
A little mint sauce on the top,
And stuffing in its knees.

Mary had a little lamb,
She liked to stroke it's head.
Until one day she found her husband
Fucking it in her bed.

Mary had a little lamb,
Its fleece was white as snow.
And everywhere that Mary went,
The lamb didn't, because Mary was cunt.

Mary had a little lamb,
It's fleece was sodden red;
The reason for it was you see,
It had a pick-axe through its head.

When Mary had a little lamb,
It created some division;
It was not what she'd expected,
And shocked the obstetrician.

Mary had a little lamb,
A giraffe and zebra too,
By the time she'd finished,
She'd fucked the whole damn zoo.

Jack and Jill went up the hill,
To fetch a pail of water.
Silly Jill forgot the pill,
And now they have a daughter.

Jack and Jill went up the hill,
To fetch a pail of water.
Jack fell down on top of Jill,
And now they have another daughter.

Jack and Jill went up the hill,
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill! Forgot that pill!
So now they have a son.

Jack and Jill went up the hill,
With a keg of brandy.
Jack got stewed, Jill got screwed,
Now it's Jack, Jill and Andy

Jack and Jill went up the hill,
And planned to do some kissing.
Jack made a pass, and grabbed her ass
And now two of his front teeth are missing.

Jack and Jill went up the hill,
Both carrying a bucket.
When Jill bent down, her ass was round,
And Jack decided to fuck it.

Little Willie, with a thirst for gore,
Nailed his mommy's baby to the door.
Mother said with humor quaint,
Willie dear, don't spoil the paint.

Little Willie,
Brand new skates.
Hole in ice,
Pearly gates.

The birds may kiss the bees goodbye,
The buttercup . . . the butterfly.
The morning dew may kiss the grass,
And you, my friend, may kiss my ass.

Roses are violet,
Reds are blue.
I'm a dyslexic,
And stuff too you.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue.v
I'm a schizophrenic,
And so am I.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
I'm amnesiac,
And . . .

Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
That's what they tell me,
Because I'm blind.

Roses are red,
Violets are for plucking.
Girls out of high school,
Are ready for college.

I wish I was a little grub,
With whiskers round my tummy,
I'd climb into the honeyjar,
And make my tummy gummy.

I wish I was a caterpillar,
Life would be a farce,
I'd climb up all the little trees,
And slide down on my hands and knees.

Mary had a little lamb,
And some mint sauce.

Mary had a little lamb,
The doctor was surprised,
But when Old MacDonald had a farm,
He couldn't believe his eyes.

Mary had a little lamb,
And it was always grunting,
They tied it to a five-bar gate,
And kicked its little cunt in.

Mary had a little lamb,
She took it to a wedding,
She tied it to the table leg,
And kicked it's [flipping] head in.

Mary had jam, Mary had jelly,
Mary came home with a pain in her belly,
Don't be mistaken, don't be misled,
Mary came home with a pain in her head.

Mary had a little lamb,
Its fleece was black as ink,
And everywhere that Mary went,
The lamb would make a stink.

Mary had a little lamb,
It's feet were black as soot,
And into Mary's bread and jam,
It's sooty foot it put.

Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard,
To get her poor doggy a bone,
When she bent over, old Rover he drover 'er,
And gave her a bone of his own.

My son Billy had a ten-foot willy,
He showed it to the girl next door,
She thought it was a snake,
And hit it with a rake,
And now it's only four-foot-four.

As I was going up the stair,
I met a man who wasn't there,
He wasn't there again today,
I wish, I wish he'd stay away.

As I was going up the stair,
I met a man who wasn't there,
He wasn't there again today,
I wish, I wish he'd stay away.

Yesterday, upon the stair,
I met a man who wasn't there,
He wasn't there again today,
I wish to God he'd go away.

Yesterday, upon the stair,
I met a man who wasn't there,
He wasn't there again today,
He must be from the NSA.

Yesterday upon the stair,
I met a girl who didn't care,
She didn't care again today,
I like them when they get that way.

As I was sitting on a chair,
I noticed that its legs weren't there,
Nor seat, nor back - but I just sat,
Ignoring little things like that.

I eat my peas with honey,
I've done it all me life,
It makes the peas taste funny,
but it keeps 'em on the knife.

one cough, two cough, three cough, four cough.

four canal barges.

"Polish it on the table."

While shepherds watched their flocks by night,
All seated on their pots,
The angel of the Lord came down,
And said "You clumsy clots!"

The Boy stood on the burning deck,
Whence all but he had fled,
The flame that lit the battle's wreck,
Shone round him o'er the dead.

The boy stood on the burning deck,
Having a game of cricket,
The ball rolled up his trouser leg,
And hit his 'middle wicket'.

The Boy stood on the burning deck,
Picking his nose like mad,
He rolled it up in little balls,
And flicked them at his dad.

The boy stood on the burning deck,
Eating some cream crackers,
A flame shot up his trouser leg,
and burnt of both his knackers.

The boy stood on the burning deck,
His feet were covered in blisters,
He'd burnt the socks right off his feet,
And had to wear his sister's.

The boy stood on the burning deck,
When all the rest had fled,
And when his feet were burned away,
He stood upon his head.

The boy stood on the burning deck,
Shelling peas a penny a peck,
Did he wash his dirty neck,
Did he heck?

The boy stood on the burning deck,
His feet all covered in blisters,
The flames reached up and burned his pants,
and now he wears his sister's.

In 1992,
The dirty kangaroo,
He went behind the dust-bins,
To do his number two!

Red, white and blue,
Dirty kangaroo,
Went behind the dustbin,
To do his number two.

We three kings of Leicester Square,
Selling tights at tuppence a pair,
Oh how drastic, no elastic,
Not very safe to wear.

We three kings of Orient are,
Trying to smoke a rubber cigar,
It was loaded, and exploded -,
BANG!

We four Beatles of Liverpool are,
John on a moped, Paul in a car,
George on a scooter, blowing his hooter,
Following Ringo Starr.,

We four Beatles of Liverpool are,
John on bus, and Paul in a car,
George on a scooter, blowing his hooter,
Followed by Ringo Starr.,

In 1986,
The Queen pulled down her knicks,
She licked her bum and told her mum,
"It tastes like Weetabix.".

Jack be nimble,
Jack be quick,
Jack jump over the candle stick,
Silly boy should have jumped higher,
Goodness gracious: Great balls of fire.

From a mirror tied to a ceiling,
A delectable damsel of Ealing,
Saw certain sights,
Which enhanced the delights,
Of the things she was hitherto feeling.