Me, my life, my thoughts

I know, I know I should have blogged my review yesterday evening…. I was out at the scout fireworks and so so tired when we got home.

Anyway day 1 didn’t fair too bad…

Breakfast was yummy poached eggs and mushrooms on 2 slices of seeded toast with a cup of decaf tea.

Lunch was errr… different! I had raw kale, avocado (both I’d never eaten before) with cherry toms and cucumber. I think I should have added lemon juice to help the taste a little. Then I had 6 Brazil nuts. These are full of selenium, which we cannot produce naturally and can help relieve symptoms of depression especially in the post natal phase. Brazil nuts are also gluten free.

For tea I buckled and had a hot dog with onions. However they did serve it on gluten free bread, so not too bad.

I managed to up my water intake a little. This is one thing I struggle with when I am going through a relapse. I am usually so good at drinking water but I can go from 2litres to nothing in a day once I’ve hit the bottom. No one needs me to explain how important water is, my brain has probably become so dehydrated that I cannot think straight. But today I managed 1.5litres so it’s a start.

How did I feel at the end of the day? Tired, but optimistic. I am ready for this challenge and I am going to smash it!

So I was reading the other day that your diet can affect your mood. When I start on my downward spiral my diet goes from bad to awful! So as I really do not want to go back on my medication I thought I’d look into this more and try experimenting with the idea one step at a time.

There are so many foods out there I have never tried and these seem to be the ones that contain the goodies I need… avocado, nuts and seeds.

So I will make a food and mood diary to document my thoughts and attempts at cooking 😂

So I have just been browsing at my photos. I hadn’t realised how ill I’d been looking!

Pale, drawn, big dark circles, limp lifeless hair and eyes that have the spark taken from them. It’s so sad what depression can do to you, physically as well as mentally! I’m drained and have finally given in to needing sleep and lots of it.

I still haven’t started my tablets. I know I need to, I’m just scared once I start I will lose myself and become the numb, emotionless person I was before.

I haven’t written for a few days now, things have been all over the place and I finally had what can only be described as an emotional breakdown.

After the birth of my first child I was diagnosed with PTSD; something I will write about another time; for the last 4 years I have dealt with it so well I felt “cured”. However after a car accident in August this year I have been spiralling downwards out of control and with a job change that resulted in being bullied in the workplace I was finally pushed over the edge.

Trigger happy! ~ It wasn’t until earlier this week after completely losing all rationality on talking to my boyfriend and screaming at my boys for no reason I broke down and couldn’t stop shaking and crying. I wanted to scream out loud for someone to help me.

Helping hands… I am lucky that I have wonderful people around me, my boys were so understanding, my dad listened and had the boys whilst I went to the doctors and my boyfriend let me go over and not talk.. he had run me a bath and got me into bed and just held me till I slept and believe me when I say it was the best sleep I have had in months!

Road to recovery ~ It’s going to be a long road I can tell you that! My brain isn’t functioning right, I cannot think straight and I really just want to sleep. The worst part of recovery is having to go back on the medication, I hope it’s not long term as it always made me feel numb.

So that’s my update, I won’t stay away, I will keep updating and I’ll even try and throw in a few “normal” posts also! 😂

I needed to tell you how sad I am. I have always had drama in my life and you have stood by me through thick and thin. You have always given me advice about life, listened to all my problems and wiped away so many tears. We have always had fun together, we laugh at the silliest of things and we both find parenting hilarious at times.

I know recently I’ve been distant, I’ve pulled myself away, I know you have wondered why but it’s so hard for me to explain, but I’ll try. I saw some photos on fb of you and 2 other friends on a girls night out; I was in a bad place and my heart broke. I could not understand why I wasn’t invited; my brain went into over drive and I got upset but I felt silly. I felt like I was such a bad friend that you had all decided that you needed to go without me. I’ve created an issue in my head and now the same issue eats away at me.

I’m sorry if I have been too much for you, I have tried to be there as much for you as you have for me.