Monday, March 31, 2008

I can’t imagine why anyone would ever have any problems with Jesse. Today he calls me from work asking me to take out stuff for dinner and I inform him of stuff we need from the store. So he goes to the store after work and says he got me something. What what what!? STRAWBERRIES!!! YAY!!! Not only does he get me strawberries, but he also cooked dinner, drew me a bath, and brought me a bowl of strawberries to munch on when I was soaking in there enjoying the heat :) He even took the green parts off of them!!! I have the best husband ever :) Despite anyone saying he says things or does things that piss them off, he’s a genuinely nice person and the king of small things :) I love my husband :)

The other Jenny at work suggested Jesse and I fly down to LA and she even gave me the site of an airline that has cheap rates and allows pets and pregnant ladies to fly. I just need a doctors note saying it’s ok. I call the doctors and they call back pretty much telling me I’m crazy and out of my mind and they will not authorize me to fly with how far along I am. I’m only 34 weeks. Ridiculous. So I say, "Alright, looks like we’re driving then." Oh no no no. This isn’t good either. Apparently they’re saying that with how far I am, I should not be leaving Reno now. Well, ok, I knew this would be an issue WEEKS ago and I had asked my doctor then, "Will I be ok to go on a 9+ hour drive from Reno to LA when I’m 34 weeks pregnant?" The doctor said, "Sure, just take potty breaks, get up and move around every so often, get lots of fluids, take snacks and have fun!" Yay. Now I have someone else telling me I shouldn’t even drive down?! Fuck that! Seriously, I already made plans. I’m not gonna cancel them cos one person tells me no. I’m pretty mad though cos I was hoping to fly instead of driving all ass long and far. Jesse was too. Oh well :(

Sunday, March 30, 2008

So around 3 somethingish I finally get myself up to do laundry. There’s a lot of it. Like 3 weeks worth. I put stuff in the little pushy cart thing I got for the specific purpose of having to do laundry on Sundays. I hafta put Jesse’s hamper on top because there’s not enough room for everything. So I get the contraption down stairs, which is a LOT harder than I thought it would be. After that I’m pushing down the street. No biggie. Then before I get to Vassar I hear a scraping sound. Not sure where it’s coming from but it’s a metal scraping concrete sound. Hmm? I keep pushing and then things get wobbly and POOF! A wheel falls off. Are you kidding me!? I kick the thing back on thinking maybe it wasn’t on secure enough. After all, it was one of the wheels we had a kinda hard time putting on. So I make it across Vassar and then I go to cross over at Wells. When I’m in the middle of the street, the wheel falls off AGAIN!!! WHAT THE HELL!? I bend over in the middle of the street, pick up the wheel and waddle as fast as I can to the other side, nearly getting hit by a car trying to make a left turn through me! I then hear more metal scraping sidewalk sound and notice half the welding on one of the bottom bars has broken. In looking at it, I see that the bar next to it has also broken but on the opposite side!!! So I have to do some weird lift, scoot, lift, scoot thing to get it over EVERY SINGLE CRACK on the sidewalk!!! By the time I get inside the laundrymat, I am frustrated. Fortunately all the machines are clear. There’s a lot of people, but they’re all on dryer cycle. I get my stuff in 4 machines and sit down frustrated and wanting to sleep. My back is killing me and I’m tired. I do my best to forget that I need to get back home again. Part of me is wondering how much it would cost to get a cab home, but my disoriented state quickly washes out any thoughts of logic and the push cart from hell. Finally when I get to drying I am pretty much zoned out. When fold time comes, I’m surprised I’m still standing. My hips feel like lead, I can’t move my legs for the life of me, I’m in all sorts of lower back/hip/abdominal pain and I’m peeing every 2 minutes! But I get everything folded and then it dawns on me: I need to go home. I look at all my stuff and the crap cart and take the wheels off the back, you know, the ones that keep falling off? Then, the stupid bottom bar things that keep breaking, well I pop those off too. After all, they were pretty much hanging on by a tiny piece of half-assed welded metal. I keep thinking how I would love to just hunk this piece of crap on the side of the road somewhere, but then I have this other though that I actually paid $25 for this piece of crap! I wish I had the receipt for it or something so I could at least get my money back, but I don’t think they would let me return it having used it. I’m just mad. So the walk home is ten times worse. Now it’s windy. Its kinda cold but also hot. There’s some cops across the street by the US Bank and I’m almost half tempted to ask them for a ride home. I mean, come on, pregnant lady, walking with laundry cart thing that broke on her, right? But before I get remotely close enough to even go there, they drive off. Damn! Looks like I’m stuck hauling this thing on my own! Well now that all the bottom bars are gone, and it’s running on the two swivel wheels, I’m having a real hell of a time trying to get hit home. I think, maybe I can call Jesse and have him pick me up? But it’s too close to his closing time and he has a meeting tonight so that’s out of the question. I see a cab and I’m half tempted to wave him down to get me home. Yea, its not even 5 blocks but I can’t hang. I am in so much pain, I’m frustrated and with this $25 piece of crap trying to lug home all the laundry in the wind, also trying to make sure the wind doesn’t blow anything away. Anyway, maybe 20 minutes later, I finally get to the apartment. Now all I need to do is get up the stairs. Lordy, it was hard enough to get the crap DOWN the stairs, I kid you not, it took me almost 10 minutes to get everything UP the stairs. I couldn’t even lift my legs to get up. I had to scuttle up on my butt because I was in so much pain! I got everything to the top, opened the door, put everything in, shut the door and locked it and laid down on the bed half in tears of pain. Lulu snuggled up next to me and laid down on her back under my arm. She knew Mommy wasn’t feeling very well. And quite frankly, I’m not. I’m all kinds of pissed off right now, tired, frustrated, in pain, worn out, ugh! I can’t even think straight! Lulu thinks that bringing me all of her toys and putting them by my feet will make me feel better. Weirdo.

Saturday, March 29, 2008

Last week I really did a number in terms of cleaning the place so there’s not much to do today outside of fix the bed and a few dishes. Thank God because I was hoping not to have a slew of work to do before we leave for LA next weekend. I’m sort of having issues getting myself to go to the laundrymat because its really windy outside, my hips feel like they’re made of lead, and walking, even waddling, feels somewhat unbearable right now. I’m prone to sitting, laying down, not doing anything in attempts at feeling more comfortable. I might make something to eat and then try to get out to do the laundry, I dunno. Right now my little guy has hiccups and I can feel it. I can’t describe the feeling other than, well, you know what it’s like when you have hiccups. It’s like that but its inside of me. It makes me feel like I have hiccups in my belly or something hehe. I think he relocated to be breach again also. I’ve been feeling a big hard lump at the top of my belly. Jesse asked if it was a butt, but I don’t think that’s what it is cos it’s not squishy like a butt but feels hard like a head. Either way, he has like 3 or 4 more weeks to get in the right position still. Last time I was in they said he felt head down. I dunno. I’m debating having them do a cervical check on Friday morning. Part of me wants to know if I’ve started to dialate, part of me doesn’t want to know. It’s one of those things I need to figure out if the pros outweigh the cons. Right now I think there’s more cons though so we’ll see. I’ll ask them what they think. I’m just scared I’ll go in labor in LA. At the same time, things have been pretty smooth here last week so I’m not too worried.

As for LA, everything seems to be good and ready to go minus clothing. Gotta get that laundry done if it kills me! Charged the iPod, added a few new songs, some pics, and the driving directions on there. Got a new iPod charger for the car (and home!) Lulu ate the last one. The new one I got is cool. All you do is plug the USB cord into the car outlet or the home outlet. So I can take them with me if I go anywhere that doesn’t have a computer or what not. Pretty shnazzy. Got my clothes for the weekend picked out. Got Lori’s stuff together, got Izzy her princess cookies. Need to get Lulu’s travel stuff together. Nothing huge, just some food, water and treats for the road, and a few toys and a blanket. Jesse is probably just gonna wear the clothes on his back and some pajamas. He’s nice and low maintenance in that sense. Gotta remember to bring my camera charger as last time I was down I took so many pics and reviewed them that I killed my battery :( Other than that, I think we’re pretty good and ready to go.

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Always fun stuff. Tonight we get a life saver mint and are told to look at it and suck it to see what happens to it. Then we get play dough and are told to make a cervix. Then we’re told to roll it out to be 10 cm. Mine kept breaking! If we got it right we got chocolate. Finally I got it. Then we watched a birth video. Gross. I can’t watch those things. I get really freaked out seeing babies come out. It’s one of those things like how guys don’t want to know girls crap, I want to think that birth will be me uncomfortable and pushing and then there’s a baby and I don’t want to know what my junk looks like or how big it gets, it’s just butterflies and rainbows and shit.

After that, we have a break, get some snacks. Then some sort of group activity of women vs. me what do you expect out of your partner during labor/what do you plan to do to make your partner’s labor easier thing. Then it was the fun time... relaxation exercises!!!

Well it all starts with how to ease back pain. Ok, last week I felt like a total jack ass because I was on my hands and knees rocking my pelvis. This week, Jesse got to be a jackass with me :) While I was on my hands and knees, he had to grab my ass and push my pelvic bone to relieve pressure. It felt pretty good, but poor Jesse, he had to work super hard cos I have a lot of ass blocking that pelvic bone. Either way, as dumb as we probably looked, it sure felt good!

Then it was more breathing exercises. Jesse did the Hee Hee Hee Hoo thing some dumb lady in this stupid video did last week, except he was saying "Pee Pee Pee Poo" and making me laugh again. It was pretty uncontrollable laughter to the point he had to cover my face with the pillow to muffle me hehe.

In the end, there was a twist in which the gals had to rub their guys to make them feel better in order to teach them how we like to be rubbed to feel better. Jesse seemed to like that. I think I owe him a calf rub tonight.

So yeah, I’ll keep details to a minimum tonight. That’s all I got. I really hate watching birth videos, but its fun when we do the breathing exercise stuff. We laugh pretty good and hard. I like the time spent with Jesse during that too. Cheezy as it is at times, it’s nice to just lay down in his lap while he rubs my belly or sit face to face with him laughing hysterically. Good times.

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Seriously! I woke up at 5 am and I guess if I wasn’t pregnant and had those pains, I would have thought maybe I had a stomach flu or ate something weird. But, because I’m pregnant, I feel those pains of gurgling belly and contractions. It hurt big time. Normally when something hurts, I can muster up some sort of UGH sound but this hurt so bad I was just silent. I managed to get up and pee a few times but the pains still were there. They were coming and going pretty regularly. My back hurt. My tummy hurt. I felt really weak. I just wanted Jesse to hold me all morning.

At the same time, I had SO much work to do today. Had to redesign a cover. Had to get proofs to a client to go to print tomorrow (which I’m hearing they want to bump it back a few days?!?!?)

Anyway yeah, I was hurting bad this morning. I got to work. Totally forgot a lunch. Walked to Wrong Way to get a sammich. Started to feel stomach and back pain again. I’ve been sitting now for a while and that helps.

Personally, I’d really be happy to have this kid now. But I think I want to do laundry tonight first cos I don’t have any clean clothes. Once I do laundry and this project is off at the printers, he cam come out whenever he wants.

Anyway this morning I think I was kinda freaked out cos I didn’t know what was going on. But now that it’s past, I guess I can laugh about it? I think? I’m still not sure if I find it funny or not...

Monday, March 24, 2008

Let’s see... um around 28 weeks I had really bad ligament pain. Then I had really bad leg pain. Then it was the hip pain. Then the back pain. Then there was no pain when I had my cold, but I hurt from being sick (sick pains). Now at 33 weeks (am I already that far along?!?!), I’m not sure what it is but it’s like I have abdominal pain and BLADDER pain. Yea, bladder pain! How the hell is it my bladder hurts!? I still have pelvic bone pain/pressure. A few days ago I had another one of those fun POP! feelings in my pelvic bone. Ugh. Not fun. So it’s back to not sleeping again. Its sad because I think I got the most sleep recently when I was sick. I appreciated it for what it was worth. In one sense it sort of gave my body a chance to play catchup for all the lack of sleep it was getting but on the other hand it was using so much of that to get over the cold, I think it kinda just canceled everything out.

Anyway, I’ve been back to bad sleep again. Last night was horrendous! First off, I couldn’t get to sleep because butthole decided he wanted to throw a fit around 11:30 PM for what felt like 10 minutes. At which point, I finally asked Jesse if he could just put his hand on my belly to make him stop. After all, if there’s one thing I’ve learned throughout this pregnancy, it’s that every time I tell Jesse to feel the little butthole moving, he decides to stop. I decide to apply this theory. Jesse puts his hand on my belly and say, "You stop moving, you!" And then within a matter of a minute or two, that little stinker actually listens to him! Damn Jesse and his amazing father skills!!! I’m convinced he’s going to have to be the one to put the little stinker to sleep because for whatever reasons, the kid seems to fall asleep for Jesse like magic!

So yeah, I finally get to sleep. But then my legs feel crampy. I need to re-position. I start out laying on my right side so Jesse can put the little guy to bed. Then I decide to go to my back. It’s best to not make drastic changes right now to cause the least amount of pain possible at night. Everything needs to be done in steps. If I’m laying on my right side and need to pee, I need to move gradually. There’s a whole slew of things that factor into pain. For starters, laying on one side causes the weight of my stomach to go down to that side. So the baby is completely on the right side of my belly. When I move to my back, he shifts to the center and then to the left, well you can figure out how this is going. Anyway, if I’m on my right side and get up to pee, if I hurry, I have 5 lbs of extra weight shifting EVERYTHING inside of me abruptly, causing all kinds of abdominal pain and yea, more pressure on that already fussy bladder. So when I roll over, some of this shifting causes abdominal pain. Like serious cramping and just complete hardening feelings. Like how you feel when you get a knot in your neck or something. But it’s all in your belly. Last night there was a cramp so painful I had to have Jesse rub it cos it hurt so bad, the pain radiated all over my body to where just me moving my arm to try and rub it myself caused all the little linking parts of my body to shoot back to that cramp and it just hurt soooo much!!!! I feel pretty crappy whenever I wake him up or make him do things like that when he’s sleeping, but hey, he’s my support person. It’s his duty to make sure I’m comfortable, whether I’m in labor or not. I’d do the same for him if he were hurting!

Anyway, today I had really bad bladder pain. Butthole decided it was fun to grab at my bladder. I say grab because it didn’t feel like he was kicking or punching but trying to grab it. But due to his amniotic fluid sac and that dad-gum uterus keeping him from grabbing it, it literally felt like my bladder was being pinched!!! And it hurt!!! Not like pain you get with UTI’s or bladder infections. No this felt like a tiny hand was pinching it! I kept peeing all day today. I feel like I accomplished nothing with my excessive peeing. It was horrible. When I pee my pelvic bone hurts partially due to sitting on a flat surface, getting up, walking and then sitting on an open holed surface. I dunno.

I swear there’s always something going on and it’s constantly painful, never pleasant. To women who plan on getting pregnant, I say they’re nuts. To women who say pregnancy is a beautiful blissful whatever positive thing, I say you’re out of your minds! I’ve been nothing but miserable these last few months. And Jesse, he always says "It’ll be over soon" and he’s been saying for the last 2 months and sometimes I want to strangle him when he tells me that! But finally, thank God, he’s right. It will be over soon! In 7 weeks! Hopefully sooner than later...

Sunday, March 23, 2008

Jesse had a 3 day weekend so we were both pretty excited about that. This was the first time probably since our summer vacation that we had an entire weekend together. So we were really looking forward to having a nice weekend. This is how it all went down:

Friday.Jesse picked me up from work and took me to my prenatal appointment. They gave me a referral to some places because it sounds like I’m well on the road to being a potential haver of postpartum depression. They also told us it feels like the baby is in a head down position. So no c-section for me. So far. He still has time to change his mind though. After that ruckus, we went to go get our taxes done did. Since we need to do an extension for reasons I’m not going to anyone with right now, our accountant just took our papers and is going to do that later on and just send us some forms to sign when we can submit our stuff to the IRS. So we don’t know what our refund is yet d’oh. Friday night we didn’t do anything. I think we sat at home and watched TV. I think I made chicken and we watched Billy Madison or something.

Saturday. We slept in till about 10 or so. Then we went out fishing. Jesse thought he’d take me out since I’ve been cooped up these last few weeks and haven’t done anything or been anywhere. We tried a new spot. Took the comfy chair for me to sit in and a blanket and some eats and the pug dog. Didn’t catch anything. Sat on the blanket and ate lunch on the river side. Lulu played fetch with Jesse and a stick and was going into the water to get the stick. After about 3 hours of being out there Jesse wanted to go home because he wasn’t feeling good. At first he thought it was allergies but then he thought he might have been getting a touch of the cold I just got over. So we went home. Lulu was super tuckered out and crashed out. I felt mildly the same and was really uncomfortable being dressed so I hung out in a towel for a good part of the rest of the day. I had to move from the couch to the bed for comfort reasons. Jesse went to work to pick something up and I took a mini-nap. When he got home, it was another one of those nights where we didn’t do anything so we wound up watching COPS and made a small dinner and went to bed.

Sunday.We were supposed to go to one of Jesse’s coworkers ranch today but Jesse woke up feeling pretty sick. We sat around in the morning watching Idiocracy for the umpteenth time. After that Grandma’s Boy was on and Danielle keeps telling me to see it, so I told Jesse and we watched it together. By the time that was over, it was around 1 in the afternoon and Jesse wasn’t feeling like going out. He hooked his computer up so he could play Radio Shack (Red Orchestra), but there was some sort of weird update that prevented him from doing so. So he spent the day playing Battlefield Vietnam and I did a thorough cleaning of the apartment. I finished around 6:30 and by that time he was pretty frustrated that Radio Shack wasn’t working so he disconnected his computer and picked up some Wienershnitzel. When he got back, they totally f’d up his order and gave him everything he ordered plus three extra hot dogs. Woo hoo. So that means we don’t need to pack lunch for tomorrow heh. I made a macaroni salad but it’s nothing like my mom’s, so that means it sucks. I’m very particular about macaroni salads and believe hers is the best... period.

Anyway, I’m a little disappointed that we didn’t have a better weekend. I thought we were going to do more but at the same time, neither of us were counting on Jesse getting sick, me having a mild relapse, and both of us getting slight sunburns resulting in sun-fatigue. On that note, I say, my tummy is moving around too much and needs to slow down or something so I can get me some sleep! Maybe if we’re lucky we can do something next Saturday?

Thursday, March 20, 2008

Tonight was the first night of "child birth education". A lot of doctors highly recommend first time moms take them to learn to deal with child birth and other stuff. Ok so the first part of class, no big deal. Meet people, talk about pregnancy, etc. etc. Watch a video or two.

Second part of class: relaxation techniques. Basically someone telling you how to breathe and to "pretend" you’re having a contraction while they play this Kenny G easy listening type music. I was waiting for the ocean and whale sounds but they never happened. None the less, I’m kinda having a hard time trying to relax because I feel like a complete idiot. Granted, everyone there is totally focused and serious about this. I’m trying, but I just can’t do it! On top of it all, my support person/coach, Jesse, keeps cracking jokes. I think at one point I actually laughed so hard I snorted. But then, during the "imagery" exercise (imagine a light in the darkness reaching your toes and working it’s way up your body... can you feel the warmth???) All I can imagine is looking down the bore of a rifle and I can see the rifling and I keep thinking a bullet is going to come out, fortunately it doesn’t but instead I am thrown off by the sound of sqeaking shoes from outside the cafeteria. All I can picture is like some sorta basketball player in a yellow and white Nike warm up suit with matching yellow and white Nike shoes and a visor upside down and backwards or like one of those head band sweat band things. Then I think of how Jesse used to tell me about the basketball players at his school getting all hyphy late at night and I was imagining a group of guys bouncing basketballs and being all loud with their squeaky shoes walking down the halls of a cafeteria and it didn’t make any sense to me so I started to laugh again, at which point, I had to cover my head with the pillow.

Ok, seriously, is it a crime to laugh during labor and delivery? I mean, if that’s what helps me get my attention off the pain, that’s ok, right? I mean, if I really need to do this kind of stuff to help get through things, I have no idea what I’m going to do or how I’ll manage because I cannot take this seriously as hard as I try. I just think I’ll be one of those people who takes the class, gets some good laughs out of it, and then when delivery day comes, I’ll be at a loss. On the plus side, I seem to be in so much pain now, I kind of wonder if I’ll be in as much pain then or if it’ll just seem the same. None the less, my insurance pays for nice narcotics to make sure I feel peachy keen. So I guess childbirth class is more to deal with, well, I don’t know. I guess it gives me and Jesse 2 hours of bonding once a week if nothing else. I seemed to get some nice back and belly rubs out of it :)

So in 2 weeks Jesse and I are going down to LA for the baby shower. Woo hoo! But then I get an email this morning from my supervisor telling me to "Mark your calendar!" Apparently, the Wednesday before I leave, the gals at work are going to take me to a baby shower luncheon!!!! I totally wasn’t expecting this but now I get two baby showers in 3 days!!!! I’m so excited!!! I feel special and loved heheh!!!!

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

You know what I miss? I miss back in the day how Jesse and I used to always send things back and forth to each other. Granted, that doesn’t happen anymore cos we live together but what’s to say that is a factor for not letting that happen? :(

i often times think back to days before we dated, the fun things we used to do. I remember the first time we "went out" together without being included in some sort of group, when it was just the two of us and we went to McDonalds before hand and Jolly Green could barely fit through the drive thru and he totally scraped along the protective "bumper" inside there and the guy at the window was looking in fear like "Are they gonna make it!? NOOOO!!" And when I got out to see the damage, there was none! How Jesse told me he almost kissed me by accident at Metal Skool when he went to tell me something during a performance...

I remember later in that week how I drove almost 2 hours from Malibu to Lancaster just to go shooting on a Sunday. How much fun we had when we were the only 2 people on the range and acting like complete idiots with guns. How I wanted to get a Mauser after shooting Jesse’s and we set up a gun-shopping date the next day on my lunch break. Instead we went to Cocoa’s and attempted gun shopping later that night with no success.

I think back to that lazy night Jesse came over to hang out. I was in my pajamas. He was just in the area after getting his hair cut and thought he’d stop by to show me the weird newspaper from some other state a part came wrapped in to the shop that was like some sort of yearbook for the town. I remember how we were laying on the floor of my bedroom side by side circling the really ugly people with a green highlighter and laughing hysterically, then going over it one more time in case we might have missed someone. How after we were done over 3/4 the pages were circled in green... and after we finished we laid there wondering what to do then. Jesse plopped his head on my back as if it were a pillow and we thought some more but nothing good came up. How we spent the rest of that night watching tv and the rest of that night was history.

It seems like I remember all the times we spent together like it was yesterday and how that somehow makes me feel like my life still has some normalcy to it. I love Jesse so much and the fact I get to see him first thing in the morning and the last thing before I go to bed at night. But I just feel sad sometimes at the way my life has become. I have no friends up here. I have no car. After my bills are paid for the month I rarely have any money left over. I can’t walk anywhere anymore because it hurts my back and hips too much to do so. I feel like I’m trapped at home and the only excitement in my life is going to the office. I was super excited about having a baby and now I don’t know necessarily that I feel the same now. Maybe I might be getting a touch of post partum depression a little early. Maybe it’s normal for me to feel the way I feel. I don’t know. I just never thought my life would come down to being married with a child on the way, which should be happy, but being drowned out with misery because I’m going bankrupt and have no money, yet I hear of my husband spending his Fridays with his friend from work and riding go-karts or hitting arcades. My fun money goes to paying of student loan debts or birth classes or doctors appointments. It’s almost like I don’t feel human anymore. The last time I got to go out and do anything "fun" was on my birthday. I sometimes feel jealous that my husband chooses to have fun on Fridays with his friend instead of on a Saturday with me. I’m no longer the fun friend he would go shooting with, or the girlfriend he’d take places. I’m just now the mother, the cooker, the cleaner of the house and payer of the rent. Many nights he spends the entire course of the night on the phone with his friends and then says "good night" to me and our night is left at that. Or he’ll be on the computer looking at stuff all hours of the night and slip into bed. I feel horrible the nights I come home in pain and lay down and fall asleep as if I’ve missed out on my chance of communication for the night with him because of it. None the less, I’m fortunate to have Jesse in my life. I’m just sad at the circumstances sometimes.

I waddled down to Longs to get a congrats card for Sophie, who had her baby last night. I picked up a few other things and didn’t have a basket and was relieved to plop my stuff on the counter. I was going to send my sis an Easter candy care pack in the mail and forgot to get her a chocolate bunny. No prob. The line was long and I was 2 people back and the 2 people in front of me had a bunch of stuff. I waddle-ran down one aisle to get a bunny and came back. There was now one person in front of me and just as I was making my way over, two ladies who were behind me came up and this old lady pushed my items back and put her one item down. The lady who was with her noticed my nursing pads and told the older lady, "But she’s pregnant!" and the old lady said, "That doesn’t mean anything to me!" in a really snotty tone. Just at that moment, as I waddle-ran back, I heard her comment and plopped my item down in my pile and her friend looked completely embarrassed and guilty. The old lady looked back and noticed me and said, "Oh, I’m sorry." trying to be all nice. Pushing back tears, I gave her the dirtiest look I could muster up, took her one item and dumped it behind my stuff and pushed my stuff back in the next-in-line place and said very rudely to her, "No you’re not. You’re sorry I heard your comment." I paid for my stuff and huffed out of there. Some people!

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

I seem to have fallen off the emotional cliff today. I’d say I was on a roller coaster but those go up and down and I just feel like I’ve been headed down all day long and like things don’t get better.

For starters, I went to work today still feeling very sick. But I had to go because I have two things going to print in a matter of days and I can’t afford to lose any more time on these projects. But I’ve been in severe pain all day long to the point of feeling shaky and weak. My body feels like it can’t take it anymore and even though my health says I’m good, physically, I feel very weak like I’m going to collapse or just stop working any minute.

Then, things go further into bad when my mom gets involved in meddling with things that aren’t of her business. I don’t know where to begin or go with this one so I’m just leaving it at that. On top of her annoying meddling, she is trying to make me and Lori fight with each other. I lack the patience to deal with this.

The baby has been on my ribs all day today and I don’t recall feeling him kick or anything. Yesterday he was pretty slow but the fact I haven’t felt movement or that he hasn’t changed his position all day long is scaring me. I’m hoping it’s just cos I was too buys to notice. I can’t even fathom the idea of losing him this far along.

I feel gross on top of it all. I’m having one of those "insecurity/issues" days. The last few days I’ve been sick. I can’t seem to get rid of the sick-breath no matter how much I brush my teeth. It’s like something died in my throat. No matter how many times I take a shower or bath, I still feel like I reek of sick. My body just feels clammy and flabby. I feel really ugly and I just want to lie down in bed, fall asleep, and never wake up. I don’t want to sound cliche or anything, but I’m having one of those moments I really could use some support, particularly from my husband. If nothing else a hug. Maybe a back rub. Some sort of compliment? Anything?

I just feel like I was at an ok place emotionally when I woke up but at this point I seem to have hit rock bottom and landed flat on my face. I don’t have it in me to get up...

Monday, March 17, 2008

So I woke up and I see this thing on Discovery Health about some lady who is trying to get pregnant. I dunno, the concept still seems foreign to me. I mean, who actually tries to get pregnant??? I know a lot of people who have kids are usually a result of an "oopse". And I know some people want to have kids but figure when it happens, it’ll happen. Plus on the pregnancy board, like a lot of women who share their preggo pics tend to post pics of fertility monitor results, etc. I just don’t get it. I mean, seriously, are you that hard up for kids that you’re going to make it into a job? If you’re having unprotected sex and you’re body is producing the right things needed, I think your chances of getting pregnant are pretty good. I don’t get it. I think it’s like the new yuppie hype or something. Like how you plan everything in life. Like "I plan to graduate high school and go to Varsity State University and marry Joe Football Hero on 7-7-07 and then we’re going to have a baby in a year"? Are people that obsessed with plotting things, that it’s just another thing marked down in their day planners? "12:00 - lunch with friends, 3:00 - budget planning meeting, 6:30 - fertile peak, try to conceive"? What the hell??? Damn weirdos...

Sunday, March 16, 2008

Well, I didn’t do a Sunday blog in case you didn’t notice. Reason being, I was sick. I think it starts out Friday or last week. I had been sneezing up a storm and fearing I was getting some sort of cold. My body was hurting a lot more than normal. Thursday night I had a fever and Jesse told me I should stay home from work on Friday but I said, I was feeling fine and could make it. So I go in and sneeze up a storm as usual. I notice every time I sneeze I get contractions lol. They don’t hurt, they’re just more intense than the normal ones I get in terms of extreme squishing. Fortunately I don’t sneeze that much. Saturday was one of those days we didn’t do crap. I laid around thinking I was being lazy, but not realizing that my cold was starting to set in. I made lunch and then we went to Joann Fabric, Trader Joes and Big Lots. I came home, sewed, ate dinner and went to bed. Sunday morning around 3:00 am, I woke up with my face swollen and my jaw hurting like hell! I put an ice pack on various parts of my face to numb the swelling and a few hours later after the ice had all melted, it did feel a little better in terms of swelling but the pressure was still killing me. I guess you could say I got up. I moved from the bed to the couch and spent the rest of the day there. When Jesse got home, the house was not cleaned, nothing was cooked, I was feeling crappier than I did earlier. He told me I should stay home from work on Monday and I told him no, I hafta go in. I take a hot shower for as long as the hot water lasted and go to bed. This morning I wake up and the cold has traveled past my face to my throat. My body is aching more, but due to the fact I feel so sick and drained, I actually am able to sleep and don’t really notice pregnancy pains so much. I think that my cold is affecting the baby on top of it all as he hasn’t been kicking up a storm and I’ve been able to relax. I think the fact I haven’t been up and running around and eating, he thinks Mommy’s still in night time/sleep mode so he hasn’t been up and about. Anyway, I’ll probably be going back to bed soon after I get some more water and Brawndo (gatorade).

Saturday, March 15, 2008

The last few days I’ve been feeling pretty shitty. Makes sense now. Around 3:00 am I woke up with the most sever pain in my face EVER! It was swollen so bad I couldn’t sleep. I got up and peed and looked at myself in the mirror. I looked as though I had been stung by a bee or something. I got a ziplock and put some ice in it and wrapped it up in a wash cloth and let it sit on various locations of my aching face. Mostly on the left side along my gumline on my cheeks up towards the inside of my eye by my nose. Then on the right side. Then on the bridge of my nose. And finally on top of my nose along my eyebrows. I seem to have an endless supply of that thick yellow snot that doesn’t want to come out when I blow my nose, ugh! I feel really sick and don’t plan on doing anything today now. Possibly going back to sleep, not sure yet though.

I had a weird dream after all of that too. Can’t remember it very well but I remember waking up and finding all of our appliances gone. Supposedly Jesse took them to work with him to clean them but when I called him to ask he had no idea. Somehow my dad was involved in knowing where they were. Lori was up here. Our apartment was practically empty. It was just weird. I dunno. I’m thinking that nap idea is looking pretty good now actually...

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Thursday Jesse went out to Snoozinville while I was at work. He was supposed to call me to let me know for sure if I needed a ride or not but never did. Fortunately I did get one. All day at work I had been having the most horrendous back pain. Mostly upper, but there was some lower pain as well. I had a couple of contractions during the day and kept thinking about how crappy it would be if I had to go to the doctors or something. When I got home, Jesse was nowhere to be found. No phone calls from him, nothing. I was hurting more now so I thought I’d take Lulu for a walk as that usually helps with the back pain to get my blood flowing and what not. My usual route starts off walking down the alley to the VA hospital and around the neighborhood from there. When I got down to the VA hospital I was immediately feeling worse. It was one of those things where within a matter of minutes I knew I should go home as staying out couldn’t possibly lead to any good. When I got home, things didn’t seem to get better. I sat in the comfy chair and seemed to be getting more contractions. They weren’t regular to a point of concern, but it was more than what I’m used to. The only thing that did worry me was that this was happening and Jesse was not here nor was there any way to contact him should something arise of it. I got a glass of water and was drinking that while trying to relax but by that point, I was in severe pain to the point of feeling like I was going to throw up. My back was hurting really badly and I was having really bad abdominal cramping. That’s not a good thing. I figure before I freak myself out over this, I would wait at least an hour to see if it lets up with water or what. Just my luck, Jesse gets home some 10 minutes later! He fills me in on his day and I fill him in on mine. Then, being the darling he is, he gets us dinner so I don’t hafta cook. We eat some Godfather’s Pizza and fubbalo wings and watch the Simpsons movie. I fell asleep at the end and didn’t get up till Jesse put me to bed. And of course, now that it’s bedtime, I’m wide awake, feeling slightly feverish, not wanting to go to work Friday, but doing so anyway because I need the money. Ugh. So, on that note, let’s try this sleep thing one more time now that my body temperature seems to have cooled down a bit....

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Normally I’ll write my own random blogs, but here’s a quick segue into a link to some random blog I found online while Google imaging "Killer Whale Gay" in attempts to find a picture to send to Lori.

One of my coworkers was saying something about an all white killer whale. I Googled the story and got a link. I thought I’d send it to Lori because well, everyone knows she is a complete whaletard.

She called me later and I asked if she saw my article and she said no, so I told her about it. She then says she knows about the whale and said that there was a white one in captivity in the 70’s named Churro or something and has me Google image that. So I do. Little shit was right! And then she goes on talking about all these other whales it knows and I’m like, "Dude, just stop. This is getting weird and I don’t feel comfortable talking about this anymore." I mean, it was really awkward having her tell me all this crap. It was as if she were describing her boyfriend’s penis to me in graphic details. I just didn’t want to hear about it anymore.

So tonight I, as stated earlier, I was trying to find a ridiculously stupid picture of a killer whale to leave for Lori as a comment. I look up "Killer Whale Gay" and I get a link to a picture that is absolutely perfect! But it won’t allow me to just open the photo, it wants me to save it. So I go directly to it’s source page and it leads me to this blog about some homos who are arguing about an ultimate battle between a killer whale and a great white shark. How does the picture I found tie into this? Oh, you’ll need to read the blog to find out. I read it after scrolling through to find the picture and accidentally stumbling upon some of the comments left behind. They made me get a good laugh, so I read the whole blog. Turns out it was pretty funny.

So, on that note, I’m sharing this random blog with you all. Hopefully you’ll get as good of a laugh over it as I did.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Today I hit my single digit mark of weeks left till birth. 9 more weeks to go! And so much to do! So much CLEANING! Well, no more like, so much cleaning for Jesse to do lol. It's practically all his stuff that we need to pack up. I'm thinking some sort of temporary storage containers in the house or something to tide us over till we can get a bigger place? Like those tupperware sliding drawer things? I know there is a whole wall of items pertaining to gun cleaning that need to be put up somehow so that little fingers don't dip into chemicals and put them in little mouths. I really hope to have this all taken care of no later than mid April. Plus we need to make room for a gun safe, which, as Jesse pointed out in comparison to one at his work, looks to be half as tall and wide a our fridge... uggghhh...

1. I am convinced my little guy is still sitting breach. I have this hard round spot that feels "head" size right around my belly button, but I get kicks and punches on all four corners. It makes me think he's in some sort of weird spread out kicking all over pose. Plus there's pressure on my spine occasionally which makes me think sometimes he's putting his foot up against it, or maybe his back is resting on it. Either way, it hurts. I'm frustrated. I think I did a good job captivating my emotions in this illustration lol.

2. I know I've said it before but I'll say it again for the millionth time. I love Jesse. Things seem to just work between us two in a good way. Not like a forced good, but a natural good. He dropped me off to do laundry yesterday after work and I was in there folding when he got off and met up with me. I don't want to toot my own horn, but I sometimes think, if I were Jesse, I'd be so happy to be married to me lol. Honestly, of all the girls he's ever dated, he is with me. His reward for that: a woman who loves him, does his laundry, and cooks for him 95% of the time (the other 5% is split up into times we eat out or he cooks), amongst other things. But I think about how much I love him and how much he does for me. Sure, he's not allowed to do domestic things unless I am so severely tired or in pain I'll allow him to cook or clean, but he is a good provider. He takes care of me. He takes me to work and the doctors and tends to my emotional needs. When I hurt, he makes me feel better. I've never had a man like him in my life. Even though I'm almost 8 months pregnant, he doesn't make me feel like I'm some waddling baffoon with a big bulge on my belly, but he makes me feel like I'm still the skinny girl he was with when he got married and he still finds me attractive, only difference is I have his baby inside of me. He just has this way of making me feel loved no matter what.

3. I had this weird flashback to Christmas when Jesse and I went to Cabelas to get his SKS. In the back by their big goat display they had a set up for pictures with Santa. As hokey as I think that is, I'm pretty sure our parents would be very upset if they didn't get a picture of Charles with Santa even if he is only 7 months old. So I think we might need to go there because their set up is so much cooler than getting a picture at the mall. I don't know why I'm all giddy about holidays. Even more so now, knowing that from this point on, when we celebrate Christmas, we get to play Santa! The magic of Christmas is returning!

4. Since there's 9 weeks left till I'm due, everything is becoming VERY real. I'm swarmed with mixed emotions and feelings about things. Excitement, nervousness, worried, relieved, so many more. I really should start calling some of those daycares I got referrals for to get their rates and see if they have any openings. We'll need to schedule some visits to see what their facilities look like, how the kids there like it, etc.

5. I can never get over how adorable Lulu is. Every time I see her little face I just get so happy. She's such a lovable hugable pugable. She always sits there with you and is so happy to be with you. Yeah. And how she snuggles with you at night. Cute baby pug.

6. I love the way Jesse and Lulu are in the morning. Mostly Saturdays because I can sit there and enjoy them. They're both in this weird state of half asleep half awake, but very cuddly. I dunno, I can't describe it. I just know I like it and it makes me look forward to Saturday mornings, even if I can't sleep in, I'll opt to lay there with them.

Monday, March 10, 2008

The last two or three times I've been to the doctors, I've been asked if I have been feeling contractions yet. To which I have been saying NO, for two reasons. 1. I don't know what they feel like, and 2. I don't believe I've felt anything other than back pain, baby kicks, ligament pain, or heartburn. I kind of asked the doctor what I should be looking for in terms of contractions and she said a tummy hardening feeling. Well, that sounds pretty much like what I've been hearing from EVERYONE.

So, wouldn't you know it, Sunday I'm sitting at the computer and I feel something totally different from what I've felt in my pregnancy up to this point. My lower abdomen felt hard and the best I could describe the feeling was as if I were sucking in my guts. That weird compressed feeling. It wasn't my entire tummy, just everything between my pubic bone and 3" below my belly button. It didn't hurt. It wasn't uncomfortable. It was just a new feeling. So I ask around the pregnancy board and most of the gals there who have had previous kids say it sounds like classic Braxton Hicks starting up.

For you non-pregnant people, that's just like pre-contractions that warm your body up for the real thing later on. Apparently it can start as early as 20 weeks in some women or they might start up right around the time you start going into real labor. I guess you can call them practice contractions lol. For me, I feel like it's one of those little milestones that says, "HEY DUMBASS!!! YOU'RE GETTING CLOSER TO GIVING BIRTH!!!"

So yeah, yesterday is when I noticed them starting up. I felt one then and since then I felt two more today. Nothing regular, just like after so many hours one might pop up out of the blue. They seem to only last a short duration of time, like no longer than 15 - 20 seconds.

With that being said, I have no idea what to expect for labor, or if I'll even get that far. As mentioned earlier, we're in a breach position and I've been reading that unless the kid is in a frank breach position, it's c-section city if they don't move. But I still have a long ways to go to start thinking about that. Personally, I question if a few hours of labor and birth pain will be as excruciating as the last few weeks have been on my back, ligaments, and everything in between. Not knowing what to expect, I'm going into this thinking that after the last few weeks of pain, birthing will be a walk in the park... prove me wrong.

Saturday, March 8, 2008

Yesterday was the first night of Monster Jam out here. We didn't go. We spent Friday for the most part at the doctors. Then we went to Walmart and did shopping. After that I had to sit down because I hurt and then I made dinner, which was late, like around 10:00. And then it was bed time.

My sleep was pretty crappy. In fact, it wasn't so much sleep as it was me laying in bed listening to Coast To Coast, not by choice. And I couldn't tell you for the life of me what it was about if you asked me today. I noticed that I was pretty hot last night. I keep waking up with night sweats, mostly on my back, but also my crotch tends to get sweaty. Gross, yea, I know, I'm sure that's the least of disgusting things I'll have to deal with from this point out.

This morning I woke up around 8:30 and made breakfast for Jesse. He then was supposed to have a client come over for some gunsmithing work, but then the guy called a few minutes later because some sort of family thing came up and he never showed up. So instead, we went to Sportsman's and Jesse got some stuff to reload some more .45 and .223, but his dies were being gimps so that didn't work out too well today. I took a long bath and fell asleep in there as always, finding myself needing to re-heat the water. When I got out, it was late in the day and the way the sunlight was coming in through the blinds of our semi-clean living room cast a feeling of calmness that further enhanced my laziness. We then sat around and ate a late lunch/dinner thing I guess. Another night passed we didn't go to Monster Jam. Tomorrow is the last day to see it out here, and of course it's while Jesse is at work at 2:00 in the afternoon.

Am I disappointed? Yeah. Oh well. Just goes to prove that weekends are not meant for me to have any fun. After all, tomorrow I get to clean the house and when Jesse comes home I have laundry to look forward to. I can't wait.

Friday, March 7, 2008

1. There's too many pregnant people w/o insurance. I checked in for our 2:40 appointment at 2:30. We got a room around 3:05. We saw a doctor around 4:00.

2. Supposedly, when they measure from your pubic bone to the top of your uterus, that number corresponds with how many weeks you are. My measurement was 32".

3. After poking around my belly, I was told our baby felt "long" and then the doctor asked if I was tall. I said no, but Jesse is.

4. Apparently our baby is sitting breach. Greaaaat. But we still have another month for this to change so I'm not too concerned yet. I think if when we go in the day we go to LA he's still breach, then I'll be concerned.

Other than that cornucopia of knowledge, nothing else is new. I'm healthy. We're still low risk. There's no problems. Everything is good. They gave me some exercises to help with the back pain and told me to get a support belt.

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

You know, it'll be funny when Charles is in school and has to do one of those things where he writes an essay and has to read it in front of his class on who his hero is. I can picture it now...

"My hero is my Dad. He shot his eye out when he was 15 with a BB gun and now he's a gunsmith and works on guns. He has a lot of guns and we like to go out shooting. He says when I'm old enough he's going to buy me my own gun..."

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

I feel really bad. I got home and was going to take the pug dog for a walk. I got her leash and was going to get her suited up to go. But I had heartburn, so I took some Tums and sat down for a moment to let it fizzle out. A few minutes turned into a longer while later and now my back is hurting so severely I'm just going to walk downstairs to let her pee and put myself in the tub for god knows how long to stew. I saw these things in the March Nevada Home Magazine that came in today. Amazing little microwavable beanbag warmers. Product is Auntie A's warmers. There's a line of things from bed warmer things that are pillow size to little foot massage things and shoe warmers. I guess they have beans or something in them and you can microwave them to use as heating pads, or freeze them as cooling pads. I'm semi convinced I want one. I just dread I'll order it and when it gets in, I'll feel fit as a fiddle. None the less, when those cold winters come up, I think it'd be pretty nice to have one of them heated pads sitting in bed so when I hop in the sheets are all snug and toasty warm. Mrmrmrmrmrmmmooo... Either way, I'm sorry to the pug dog that she doesn't get to go on a walk tonight. Tomorrow perhaps if I'm feeling better and Daddy gets me home early enough. Ok, seriously, I hope doctors still slap kids on their asses when they're born because this kid needs a spanking for the abuse he's putting me through!

You have an ENTIRE belly in which you can expand and get comfortable in, yet you instinctively CHOOSE to hang out on my right side only! Why? You are causing so much pressure and discomfort in doing so. If I try to push you out of the way your dad gets mad and tells me to stop poking you. And even if you do move out of the way, you're always guaranteed to move back, nestling up along my right side. I'm convinced I should just give up on this issue, but at the same time I feel like if there aren't ground rules now, what will happen when you get out? Will you push your parents around then? Ugh. Discomfort!

I never trust pre-adjusted microwave settings. My experience with them has been, well, I never used them. I just don't trust them for whatever reasons. Today I had leftover pizza for lunch. I started to enter what I thought would be enough time to cook them but not turn them to plastic. Then, halfway through, I decide, "What if I use the pre-adjusted designated Pizza time on the microwave?" I hit clear and push the button labeled Pizza. It then asks me how many slices I have from 1 to 3. I hit 2. Then it's off. It goes for 3:45, way higher than what I was going to do! I was just gonna nuke for 1:30. I was skeptical. When the timer dinged, I went to get my pizza, anticipating some hard masses with cheese melting off the sides of the plate. Much to my surprise, it was normal looking. And it looked the way it did last night when we got it. In fact, it even tasted the same, completely unaltered by the microwave. It was a miracle. Maybe those pre-adjusted settings do work. Or maybe it's just a coincidence...

1. I seem to be having bathroom issues again. I attribute this to a possible repositioning of the baby sitting what seems to be lower. I went to wipe and right as my hand and toilet paper approached my bottom, I seem to have dropped the toilet paper in the toilet, thus needing to respool.

2. Sometimes I feel unloved. I'm going to attribute this to the bad mood I was in last night when I went to bed. It just lingered in my mind all night. I just know how some people are always victims of grand gestures. I mean, I know I'm low maintenance. I don't require a lot to make me happy but just once in my life I'd like something a little romantical to sweep me off my feet. Needless to say, I've never been a victim of romance. No sappy letters. No bouquets of flowers. No random I love you notes or cards or whatevers. No fancy dinners. No black tie affairs. None of that. I sometimes thought Jesse would have been the one to sweep me off my feet, so to speak. Of course 3 months down the line he goes off to school, is broke, and 9 months later we move in together. I figured, maybe when we got on our feet financially? And then I get pregnant. Now, we have a kid coming so I'm gonna be ever so bold as to say, this romance I long for, never gonna happen. You lost your shot, kid. There's a reason I'm me and everyone else is, well, everyone else. They're like those expensive fancy pants cars. Nice on the eyes, but constantly needing work. I'm like some old American car. Not really the best looking thing in the world, but I'm dependable. I'll only conk out if you leave me out to rust.

3. I've been quite a fan of lemonade mix lately. I find myself drinking a few glasses a day. Sure it makes me pee all the time, but it's good.

4. I keep thinking I'm going to deliver earlier than my due date. I know I can't predict this and a lot of times women who think this usually deliver late anyway but I just can't help but think it. I keep thinking things are happening to me faster than they should be. Maybe the doctors were off? Or maybe our son is just ahead of his time. Does this have something to say about when he comes out? Will he be some genius or something, mentally and physically superior to his peers? I hope he surpasses Eugene Stoner or something in terms of American weaponry. That'd be cool...

Monday, March 3, 2008

I was in a crappy mood so I decided to take a bath. While letting the water fill up I had a moment of enlightenment. Being pregnant seems to emphasize every insecurity you have about your body.

Hormones screw up your mind. Any weird little insecurity you have about anything is blown out of proportion. It's like being perpetually drunk minus the buzz. If you're in a crappy mood, it'll be even crappier because of the hormones. They just amplify everything that's bad with life, moods, feelings, anything. It sucks!

I was never comfortable with the appearance of my boobs. They're shaped weird. They're small. They don't look like what the media says a boob should look like. Lame, right? Anyway, now that I'm pregnant, they're shaped even stranger. It's like they're wider, but still flat. I feel like my areolas have been stretched out to take up half the size of my boobs. On top of it all, they are now a weird color, they're shaped funny and have weird little bumps around them and my nipples drip occasionally to remind me that my ugly boobs are still there. Most attractively, they have stretch marks around them. I can't say they were much the sight for my husband to lust after at first, but now, I can see why we don't have sex very often.

The little pouch on my stomach I had done countless sit ups and abdominal exercises to get rid of is now ballooned to look like a watermelon was implanted under my skin. My waist is a thing of the past. All those little hairs on my tummy are now more noticeable. Something about that pregnancy pigment changing magic made my stomach hairs darker. Fortunately I don't have stretch marks... yet. But I have a nice little road map of blue veins reminding me that blood is being pumped to and from my baby. I have this constant fear that after I have my kid, I'll be punished to a life of eternal fatness.

My face, ugh. I have never been fond of my facial structure. It lacks that feminine form and seems to be incapable of making those come-hither-to faces that men lust after. Even with hair and make up done, I think it's still not very attractive. Perhaps it has something to do with spending my life constantly as the clown that it looks best in a smile, but even still, what man wants a smiling woman? Once again, lame media influenced thoughts have trained me into thinking that men seek the naughty woman who is going to lure him in to all sorts of sexcapades beyond his wildest dreams. Anyway, now that I'm pregnant, my face is no longer much of anything other than that of a mom-to-be. It's puffy. Constantly looks worn. Red from breathing problems or sweaty from overheating problems.

I can't really say anything too horrible about my arms or legs. They don't seem to be affected by pregnancy. In fact, because the rest of my body has grown to monstrous forms, they actually look relatively good compared to before. The pregnancy expansion seems to have played an optical illusion of making them look slimmer. I guess it's a case of choosing your battles.

So back to hormones, right? Given last few bodily insecurities/complains, I keep having this feeling that after I have this kid, I'm going to become some sexless mound. I'll have this son and a husband, but I will have no more me. I won't be able to think of anything outside of the fact I have a good job that I do well in order to praise myself to make myself feel relatively good about who I am. I mean, after this kid is out, I'm going to be fat. I'm going to have even more fucked up boobs and instead of being small and ugly, they'll be small, ugly, and droopy. Instead of having that firm little pouch on my tummy, it'll be saggy and poofy and hang. My face will look even more haggard and worn. I can't imagine what my husband would see in me to find me attractive other than the fact that at night if he feels up to it and the lights are off, there's a hole for him to stick his dick into. I know that sounds pretty bad but in all honesty that's how I feel. I don't see myself as one of those beautiful people. I've never got anything in life from my looks. I've always paid for everything I owned and worked for everything I needed. Everyone I know has always had the hots for my sister or friends. Even the sack of shit I wasted 5 years of my life with blatantly talked about how hot he thought my sister was and was always taking pictures of her whenever she was over like some sort of deranged sicko. Totally playing into those insecurities I have/had. I mean, shit, I know I'm not that good looking but way to pour salt on a wound. As sad as it seams, my dream is to have someone lust after me the way they do with Lori. I know it's really pathetic but it really hurts knowing that someone you thought loved you probably thinks of your sister whenever you guys had sex. None the less, like I said, he was a total dipshit pathetic piece of crap not worthy of anyone's time of day. But yea, how about the psychological scarring that one did. To this day I still can't get over it. I've gone through countless diets, hours at the gym, spending god knows how much on make up and clothes and they all seem to do it effortlessly, being attractive. Eventually, I can say, I've given up. I've realized I'll never be that person. Granted, I did land a husband. He loves me. But my shitty self esteem makes me wonder sometimes what he sees in me outside of an entertaining companion who cooks for him.

I am so not wanting to be pregnant anymore. I don't like what these hormones are doing to me causing this constant depression that makes me sometimes feel a little angry at the fact I got pregnant. Hopefully it won't be something I take out on our child. I know it's not his fault. I had these issues long before he was conceived. Anyway, pelvic pain is setting in, I'm feeling gassy and somewhat barfy from gas. I think this is my cue to take some Tylenol PM and call it a night.

First Trimester1. Nipples. Long before pregnancy was known or even confirmed, the nipples hurt. Bad. They constantly feel sore like someone's been pulling on them really hard for a few hours.

2. Boobs. After the nipples the boobs hurt. They felt super sore. Most noticeable when I get up from laying down. It feels like my boobs fell asleep and when I get up all the blood in my body is rushing straight to them. They feel super sore and just painful.

3. Ligaments: Abdomen. You know those cramps you get when you get your period? Imagine having PMS for about a month.

4. Back. Right around my bra line my back would feel sore. It felt as though I had done a lot of heavy lifting every night and when I woke up, I was in pain.

Second Trimester5. Heartburn. Everything from top around top of stomach to throat felt as if it were on fire, the fire was put out with pepper spray, and then the burned parts were sanded off with a coarse sand paper and then coated with ammonia. I seem to use an average of 2 bottles of Tums a month. Fortunately, the Sunday paper has a $1 off coupon when you buy 2 bottles of Tums.

6. Back. Slightly below bra line. Mostly on the right side. It moves down further and further each month. And it likes the right side more than the left. Go figure.

7. Bladder. Not so much painful, more uncomfortable, but I suppose I can lump it in as a pain. Mostly due to prolonged kicking and punching and general abuse.

8. Ligaments: Abdomen. Still feeling like massive pms but on the right side.

Third Trimester9. Ligaments: Abdomen. Feels like really painful pms, mostly on the right, but the left side wants in on the action too now. Intense enough to where it immobilizes me for a few seconds till it goes away or I adjust to it. I've learned to bypass this pain by walking crouched over at a 45 degree angle.

10. Back. Ranges from around hips up to slightly below bra line. Still very right side focused but left side gets in sometimes.

11. Ligaments: Crotch. I wasn't sure what area this is but I'm told the pain I'm feeling here is from my ligaments. When asked what the pain felt like I said, "I feel like I rode a horse for an hour and when I got off, someone kicked me really hard in the crotch." OW! MY BALLS! I wish Hormel Chili were there to feel my pain! Causes me to have the token pregnant lady waddle and have difficulties changing positions in bed. Either it's not as bad as it was or I'm growing a tolerance for the pain?

12. Sciatic nerve. Baby rests on sciatic nerve causing pain to radiate down back to butt and thigh on right side of body. Very painful. Fortunately this has only happened two or three times.

13. Pelvis. Oh yeah, prepping for birth. Big fun. Big pain. It's almost like I can feel my pelvis widening. In fact, last night as I was sleeping, I was in a nice deep state of sleep and awoken suddenly by what felt like a sharp popping pain that I could best describe as feeling like my pelvis popped in half. Really painful. Fortunately, for as much as that hurt, it only lasted what felt like 3 seconds and then vanished. Very weird. Very uncomfortable. Aside from that, I've recently been feeling like I have a lot of pressure pushing down on my pelvis.

14. Pubic bone? I guess? Right in the front hurts a lot. Probably another one of those prepping for birth things.

16. That weird area between the butthole and vagina. Yea, laugh. Whatever the hell that area is, it feels sore sometimes. I guess if I had to come up with a theory for this pain it feels like it's sore like a muscle that has been over stretched? Possibly another prepping for birth thing?

Yea, basically, at 30 weeks now, everything from my boobs to my knees hurt at some point in time or another. Standing up from sitting or laying down positions is ridiculously difficult and I'm not even super huge or anything. I'm willing to bet money that I have really bad back labor based on how things have been going so far. I'm also willing to bet I'll be one of those people who might not be able to walk when the time comes to go to the hospital. So hopefully when the time comes, it'll be for real, because I know I won't be able to get up and about all the time. Once will be enough. I guess that's about it. So yeah, that's my reasoning for not wanting any more kids after this one. Sure, I wasn't barfing 24/7 but for what I'm going through now, it's more than enough for me to say NO MORE KIDS.

Woke up around the time Jesse left for work today. Got a phone call from Lori who informed me she went to Millie's for breakfast. Damn her! Around the same time, that dealer guy in the grey Chevy pulls up in our parking spot and the Mexican girl from across the alley comes over. Although she doesn't come straight from her apartment. Instead, she walks around the block and comes up from the street into the alley and gets in his car, does the deeds, and walks back. This was around 10:30. It frustrates me. Oh well. After that, I decide to clean the house up and get started with everything early. I get done real early. Around 1:30, everything is completed. I get Lulu all set up and take her to The Petting Place to see if there's any small tennis balls there for her. Nothing there though. So I get her some of her chicken jerky treats, which they haven't had in a while. Talked with the owner about his pekinese puppy. I guess he sold it and he's bummed to get rid of him. Cute dog. He looks like a long haired pug. After that I was going to get something to eat. I started to head towards Vassar thinking maybe some Super Burrito? But by the time I got around the laundrymat, I realized there was no way in hell I could make it on foot that far. My pelvis was hurting pretty bad. I really wanted a burrito though. I thought, maybe Speedy Burrito by the King Ranch market? I walked a little further to Speedy Burrito to find it closed. So I stopped, desperately wanting a burrito, being on foot and in pain trying to find where the quickest place would be. There was a taco truck across the street, but that was out of the question. I then had a brain fart and remembered Taco John's by the 7-11! Anyway, I turned around and headed back up Wells. As I was walking to Taco John's, I had to slow my pace down drastically. My pelvis was hurting even more and I was now having what felt like pretty severe lower abdominal pressure pushing down onto my pelvis. Anyway, I made it to Taco John's and got a quesadilla and a bean and cheese burrito. Walked home to a clean and sunny apartment. Sat down with the pug dog, turned on the TV and had lunch. Taco John's not too bad. Reminds me of Del Taco. I wish I would have taken more time to consider their menu as after I placed my order I realized they had some good looking stuff other than burrito and quesadilla. Oh well, next time. Good to know there's a place close by that has cheap food that meets my hunger needs. Anyway, obviously I'm home now. It's 3:20. The apartment is cleaned. I've eaten. There's nothing to do for the rest of the day. I dunno. It just doesn't seem right. I'm not used to things being done so early. It's not supposed to be this way lol. Oh well. I guess I might attempt to take a nap later on.

Sunday, March 2, 2008

Well at almost 30 weeks, I keep wondering if I should be getting contractions at this point in the game? If so, I don't know what I should be looking for! My doctors have asked me at my last few visits if I've been feeling anything weird like contractions, to which I just say no because I haven't felt anything weird and to be honest, I have no idea what I'm supposed to be feeling! I hear things that they feel like a tummy tightening sensation but don't feel that so to speak. I have a few occasions where my tummy feels hard but it's not a tightening feeling, just feels like pressure pushing out and I attribute that to the baby repositioning. Aside from that I have back pain or ligament pain at any given time of the day, sometimes separate, sometimes together and a really cool waddle that looks like I'm walking around trying to carry a bowling ball between my thighs without using my hands for help.

Just Saturday night/Sunday morning while I was in a deep sleep I was suddenly awoken by a sharp popping feeling around my pubic bone that felt like something snapped in half! It lasted about 3 seconds and went away but was intensely strong and woke me up and make me say out loud, "HOLY SHIT! What the hell was that!?" Then on Sunday when I was out walking Lulu, I felt like I had some serious pressure pushing down on my pelvis to the point I had to slow down my pace drastically. Last night around midnight, I was sleeping and woke up from a weird fluttering/puckering feeling in my vagina. It felt like pains I used to get when I had my period and it was flowing super heavy, except it didn't hurt and it was at a much faster speed and only lasted a few seconds. I haven't felt anything since. I'm wondering if this is like the beginning of Braxton Hicks for me? I've never had any children, so I have no idea what contractions feel like. Is this what I'm looking forward to? Or is this something else?

Obviously I am going to bring this up at my appointment on Friday. Pregnancy is very unfun right now. I just want it to be over with so I can stop being in pain or wondering if every weird thing my body feels is normal or if it's normal that I'm not feeling certain things. UGH!!!

Yea. I'm so bored. I hate when Jesse's not around. It sucks butt. I just have this thing I don't like being alone. Ok, well, I'm ok on Sundays, but I don't like being alone at night. I just always feel like something bad is going to happen. Like someone will break in and try to shoot me or like a demon will show up out of nowhere and just weird me out. Hey, they're both plausible! Most everyone is out and about cos it's a Saturday night and after 10:30 so any form of communication with anyone is pretty much not a possibility. I wish we had cable in the bedroom so I could watch shows in bed. Next place we move to I'm insisting on connections for both rooms.

So I was watching a George Carlin special on HBO tonight and he brought up an interesting subject about religion and swearing on the Bible. His theory it's just a book, he'd lie, whatever. Made me think about people in general now days. There's a huge demoralization in society. Few people actually believe in a God, so if you were to hold them up in a court of law, to tell them to swear the truth means nothing. They don't fear an eternity of damnation should they lie. In fact, they probably don't fear that in the first place having committed whatever crimes they did. Oddly enough, these same people are the first to find God once they go to jail. Go figure. I think the whole people losing faith or not believing in anything at all has a lot to do with problems now days. I'm not some Bible-thumper or anything, but you gotta admit, people who don't believe in any good or evil live life for themselves. They do things to their liking. They rarely take into consideration how others feel or what their actions might result in. Everything is about them. Fueling the me-me-me generation of what can I get for me? People will date several people at a time to weed out the boring and find the person with the most money or best in bed. They have sex with everyone they meet turning it from an emotional union between man and woman into some perversion to satisfy physical needs, demoralizing the act into something as routine as having a sandwich because you're hungry. People get married and have a prenup so they know how to divvy up the money when they get divorced. People have kids and let them do whatever and stay with anyone so they can go out to clubs with their friends. Criminals will shoot someone on the street for $20 so they can get drugs. It's like no one cares about anyone but themselves anymore. At what point did the world get so, well, worldly? Maybe it's time for a new spiritual enlightenment movement or something?

So I stayed up till 5 this morning working on the computer. I then crawled into bed, nestled up behind Jesse and slept till just before 9. Then it was back to fixing the computer. Nothing huge, just installing the rest of the programs. By the time all was said and done, Jesse and I got all dressed and went to the mall. He got some new pants and looks very adorable in them all. When that was done, he got us Port of Pugs and we came home and ate. It wasn't even that late in the day, maybe somewhere between 2 and 3? I then had some pain and laid down in front of the heater with Lulu. After that, I booked it to the bed and took a nap. When I woke up from my nap, it was 6:30 and Jesse was gone. He has some work dinner event thing to do tonight.

During the nap I had this bad dream. I'm not sure really of a lot of it but there was something in which Jesse had left me one day. He didn't say where he was going or why he left, he just left. All my family members were mad and thought it was horrible he leave before his child was born and were all telling me I should go back to my ex (eew!) They called my ex and told him he should get back together with me and had him come to my place, but I was convinced Jesse would never leave me on purpose. Somehow, I knew where he was and I called him and asked how he was and he was fine. I asked him if he was coming back and he said he wasn't sure. I felt really bad because I wanted him here. I went to see him at the place he was at. He was in this messy house and I was helping him clean. The Herp was there but he was fully grown. I was holding him and he crawled around my neck and then to the floor. I picked him up and he pooped on the floor, so I put him in a cage and cleaned his mess. When I got back to the other room, Jesse was gone again. I was alone in the messy living room trying to clean up for Jesse. Somehow, my ex was stalking me and came to the home. I tried to hide from him because I didn't want him to find me. He was all angry and throwing things around screaming. Then Jesse got back and questioned what he was doing in his new home. The ex said he knew I was there and was taking me back because Jesse left me and wasn't good enough to have me and everyone said so and that he was better because he was older and had more money. Jesse started shooting at him and the ex ran out like a scared little girl. He then glanced around the room and walked right over to where I was at and sat down beside me. He put his arms around me and said it was ok and that the ex wouldn't be bothering me anymore. He then explained that he left because he wanted to get a house for our family and that he said he wasn't sure if he would come back because we would not be living there anymore. He wanted to have everything perfect for me when we moved in but I found out too early. Either way, I just was so scared at the thought of him leaving and never coming back. I know he'd never do that but just that my brain would do something like that to me, ugh! Sick!

Anyway, there's a George Carlin special on and then Borat. I'm feeling a need for some comic relief after that ruckus. Especially because when I woke up classic Coast to Coast was on and Art Bell was about to give signs of possessed animals and what to do if your animal becomes possessed lol! I know, right? But I am so afraid of hearing about possessions on Coast to Coast, especially when they have sound bites of exorcisms and stuff. I grab on to Jesse at night just to know he's there and I'm safe lol.

Saturday, March 1, 2008

1. The sun is going away. I'm convinced all week that if I wore nice spring clothes and open toed shoes it would get sunny and warm. For the most part, it has been and did. Today it's crappy and overcast now. Dammit.

2. Work is really slow today. My client has till 5:00 pm today to get their shit together so I can assemble their piece for print for next week. Not a problem. Only now it leaves me sitting here for 3 hours till it's time to go home without shit to do.

3. I thought I'd call Jesse. He's not answering. My guess is that him and Phil are at Wild Island riding go-karts and bowling. Bastard. When he's at work on Sundays, do I go out and play? No, I clean the apartment. It f'ing sucks knowing he's having fun when I'm at work and when he's at work, I'm not having fun.

4. I'm feeling really narcoleptic today. All morning I've been doing the head-bob trying to stay awake. It's horrible! I know my Port of Pugs picked me up but I'm still super tired and groggy. Knowing I need to sit here for another 2.5 hours till I can go home makes it worse. Ugggh. I t hink I should get more Port of Pugs...

5. I want it to be our baby shower already. I'm all excited about going back home and eating and stuff. Plus I like opening presents lol. I can't wait to see what we get. I know that sounds totally greedy but we don't have a lot of money so it's kind of cool to know people are gonna help out. Besides, we didn't have a real wedding and didn't get wedding presents so at least we want a baby shower lol. I guess the baby shower makes up for us not having a wedding reception/shower/whatever. I'm not sure what I'm gonna wear then. I'm confused.

Ok, I think someone is fucking with me now! Maybe I'm having a going crazy moment, but I could have sworn I switched the toilet paper around to the proper over-hand hanging position. The last few times I've gone in, it was under-hand.

I want to go home! I want to sleep! I am so f'ng tired! I am convinced everyone in the other office is gone. There's only 2 of us on this side. Everyone else over here is gone. I want to be gone! I don't know why I need to be here till 5:30 when there isn't SHIT to do! My client has till the end of the day today to finish their material and I'm guessing I'll get it Monday morning. Why am I here? What's the point? I mean, seriously, I know I need money but I don't need money so bad to where I'll sit here for another hour and a half to get paid. I don't make that much! I'd rather be at home instead of here right now! This is such bullcrap! And I've been trying to call Jesse all day today and he isn't answering. I'm convinced he's out having fun somewhere while I'm stuck in this shit-box trying to keep my eyes open! AGH!

And just my luck, the weather is supposed to crap out tonight/tomorrow. There go my chances of any fun this weekend. Even still, I'm sure Jesse would probably want to rest Saturday since he has all his fun on Fridays now.

I'm gonna complain for a moment here. It's not fair. Jesse gets to have fun on Fridays with Phil. He says on Sundays when I'm off I can do things then. Well, ok, one, I don't have a car, two, I don't know anyone that ever wants to do things. Most the people I work with either have kids or go out of town on weekends. It just sucks. I am seriously lacking a social life outside of the office. Even still, Sunday, when Jesse works and I'm off, I clean the house. So really, my only funday is Saturday. I suppose sitting here in the office dwelling on all of this isn't helping any. I feel like I rarely get any social interaction anymore. I mean, I never really did anyway. Back home I didn't go out often. Usually I didn't have money, but at least I had people who would hang out with me. I can't say I've really met anyone to the caliber I'd like to go out with on weekends or anything out here. The one person I did meet was a total psycho parasite who had to cling to my life every second of the day. Thank god she's gone. Maybe I feel a little scarred from that, like I don't want to meet any more psychos? I think I'm at that point now where I'm starting to miss my friends back home. Even though I email them or talk online or call, its not the same not having them around. I haven't met anyone who wants to go to the mall on a Saturday and walk around the stores and try things on and not buy anything and get pretzels at the food court for lunch. I don't have a female entourage to hang out with on weekends. I can't see myself really hanging out with any of the girls at work. For starters, I'm the youngest girl here. All the other "younger" girls in the office don't share my lifestyle. They're either artsy and into wine tasting and have their boyfriends or enjoy being single and loving to mingle, or they are just plain freaks of nature. The older women are, well, older. Not into fun things. They're into taking their kids to soccer practice or their kids are my age and it'd be like hanging out with my mom. Sadly, I work with a bunch of uncool people or people I just don't think I'd enjoy hanging out with.

The one downside of Reno for me is that the people here are kind of lame. Either you have these scumbag biker alcoholic types, or rednecks, or urban-bohemians, or yuppies. I don't know where I fit in in terms of any of these genres. I think I'm sort of this lone ranger in a vacant plain of weirdos. I'm not big on going to bars and clubs. Once in a while I like to take in night life activities. I'm a valley girl. I like the mall. I like mini-golf. I like bowling and kareoke. I don't think you need to be drunk to have fun. I like fishing. I like shooting. Even though shooting is fun, we've done it a lot and I just want to stick my line in the water again. Our licenses expire today. Last weekend we were going to go but it rained and snowed and I couldn't walk to save my life.

I dunno. I just want to go home now. I feel all depressed and possibly want brownies.

Today was free work lunch. Wooh. Whilst eating and chatting, one of the sales guys was talking about how his car crapped out and it cost him $800 to fix. Ugh! Business manager said "Thank god for credit cards!" I kinda sat back not feeling that same sense of relief. Sales guy said nothing. He knows my situation. Business manager then goes to talk about some show she watches where some dude tells people how to spend their money and a lady calls. Her and her husband are retired. They have $20k in their savings. She wants to know if she should use it to pay off credit card debt that is about $20k. Of course Business Manager goes on to talk as if people who have crappy credit or situations like that are idiots for allowing themselves to get into those type of situations. I guess I agree if you're that old and you get yourself into that much debt, but I feel that people my age who have that kind of debt are somehow different, because we were victims of creditors. They preyed on us young freshly 18 year olds and threw us out every card we wanted till we got hawked up in debt so bad we couldn't pay any bills, and on top of the few credit cards we had, we had thousands of dollars in student loans. Honestly, my credit card bills aren't even that high. Maybe like $4,000 tops. But because of the student loans and stuff, they got backed up and so far in debt that it practically doubled in interest. Long story short, another story Business manager brings up is of some old couple wondering if they should use their 401K to pay off home loan and Business manager thinks it's stupid and I quote, says, "There's no reason anyone should ever pay off their homes. They move so often now days that there's no point. People don't buy homes, raise families in them, retire and pass it down to their kids. Their kids don't want to live in the home, so why bother?" Here's where I reiterate my two cents. "Because some people want to leave their children something when they die. Maybe they know their kids won't live in that house, but they know that their kids can sell the house and get a nice amount of money to use towards their own houses or a savings or whatever. It's that gesture of passing something down when you die." The annoying part is she argues that there's no point because the house loses it's value. I beg to differ. "My parents paid under $100k when they bought our house in 1984. Their neighborhood has gone to crap but if they were to sell now they could get around $400k." Once again, Business manager puts in their two cents. "Well, I had a house I bought for $25k in California. When i sold it x years ago, I got $400k for it. If the neighborhood goes to crap, then you lose the value of your house. I could have got $600k or $700k for it, but I didn't. So there's no point in paying off a house if it goes down in value." Ok, am I on crazy pills? She still got a $375k profit when she sold. I mentioned that the fact of the matter was, maybe she didn't get $700k but she still made a profit and so technically, she can't say it lost value if you made a profit. But no, my argument is not valid. End of story, I say, "Look, we don't have a lot of money. So anything we get from selling a house is a profit. Whether it's when my parents are alive or dead. Fact of the matter is, its more money than we would have had. Even if the house sells for $25k, that's still $25k my sister and I don't have. So our portion is cut in half, we still get something and that's better than getting NOTHING. I don't want to pay off a home loan my parents owe on when they die in order to get something and my parents don't want to die and leave us with debts. End of story."

There. Was that so hard? Apparently Business manager is more concerned with how she lives when she's alive than what she can do for her daughter when she dies. How fucking nice of you. Seriously. If she were my mom, I'd disown her. Ok maybe not that, but I'd at least try to talk her into paying off a house so I can get something when she dies. I just don't get it. It must be one of those things rich people know of how to keep their money that keeps us poor people poor or something. If you ask me, I still think it's just being greedy.