It's painful. So very painful. My heart hurts, my stomach is in knots, my head is pounding, and my eyes are swollen from all the falling tears.

It can't be real. This hasn't happened. It's all a nightmare that I'll wake up from, right?

But it is. And it's hard to grasp. I can't stop tearing up and sobbing. I can't seem to bring myself to accept that it has in fact happened. And once again, I never got to say goodbye to you.

Do you remember?

Do you remember when we went to Elitch's the week before Halloween? Going into the park at night and riding the roller coasters. Getting that picture from, I think it was Mind Eraser. It was the only picture I ever had of you. The smile you had was priceless. I still have it.

Do you remember getting into that fight at the restaurant where we met? A miscommunication over a table led to you scolding me. When I finally went home hours later, you walked me to my car and gave me a plastic cup full of whipped cream. You knew I would steal some anytime I had to use the whipped cream.

Do you remember going to Sing Sing with my friend Hannah and me? Watching you sing along with songs I didn't even know you knew was amazing. Then out of no where you grabbed me and pulled me onto the dance floor. It was the only time I ever danced with you.

Do you remember the time we went to Casa Bonita? Going 90 down the freeway and never coming close to a crash. Almost get run over in a Wal-Mart parking lot. I wish I hadn't lost that picture you took of me on your motorcycle. It was the only time I've ever ridden one. And you laughed at me because I was truly scared about that stupid tunnel.

Do you remember?

I do. I've always remembered. I remember that stupid car you had too. The black one. I remember you were sick one night and I went to Wal-Mart to get you pizza. I didn't turn it off right and killed it. I still feel bad about that.

I remember coming to see you in the hospital. You didn't want to be alone with that other girl. I stayed with you and drove you home. I remember laughing with you at dumb jokes while we waited for hours and hours.

I remember which apartment was yours in the complex you lived in when we met. I remember the room you slept in at your parents house. I remember how awkward I was when I first kissed you.

I remember telling you I was pregnant with my daughter. I remember how scared I was. And I remember the last thing you ever said to me. "Yeah... That kinda thing happens, as scary as it is, it only leads to smiles. You thought that you put all your love into one... You have no idea."You know what? You were right. So very, very right.

I remember how much it hurt to never see you again. To never say goodbye. And it still hurts. It will always hurt.

We will all miss you. Everyone who ever knew you will miss you. You could make anyone laugh. You had no fear of making a fool out of yourself. You let so many people lean on you. You never hesitated to be there for someone. You never thought twice about helping a friend. And you loved your kids. Oh. My. Gosh. Did you love those kids. Even though you couldn't stay with us longer, at least your kids got to see how much you loved them. How fiercely you loved them. I hope they never forget that.

You will always hold a special place in my heart. Despite the fights, the arguments, the drama, the everything, you will always be a part of who I am. I'm heartbroken you are gone. I will always be heartbroken. But I hope, that in our sadness and grief, you have found what you are looking for. I hope you found the peace you were looking for. I hope you are smiling from ear to ear, finally flying like Superman.

Leave a Reply.

Maniac Mom

My name is Kristen and I suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder. This is my hysterical journey as a mom of two dealing with life twists and turns while trying to not let my "crazy" get too out of hand. I strive to be a happily depressed mom.Grab a cup of coffee or a shot of vodka and bask in the mania!