TIRESOME TAURUS...

The Jittery Journeys of April 2004

Greetings, my cloddish things of horn and hoof! Welcome to the vile and bitter prognostications for awkward April! And ‘April Fool’ to you if you thought your water feature was going to be any good! So, how does catastrophe strike your schemes for a life of wealth, pleasure and indolence?

Well, I’ll tell you! As the month begins, you race back to your abode (still with a slight twitch), make up with your beloved (with a more than slight twitch) and press ahead with plans for wondrous water features. Mischievous Mercury moves into your sign so your spend your time blithering on about how wonderful your design is and how fabulously wealthy it’s going to make you. Vamping Venus moves into Gemini and you hire a marketing agency to promote your business and products.

But come the Full Moon in odious Libra with insidious aspects between marauding Mars and jolly Jupiter, legal problems beset you as you find a rival company has stolen your design, largely because of your blithering and blathering. Great gods alive and dead, little nitwits! Your plans have come to naught and your marvellous device is on the market, with fabulous returns already falling into the hands of a Svengali from the sewers of landscape gardening.

Mischievous Mercury turns retrograde and you run about in circles, talking foolishly, not understanding anyone and wondering what to do next. As vamping Venus tests revolutionary Uranus, the advice of experts says you have no copyright to protect you. Thus your rival has fleeced you and another dream is shattered. Cranky Chiron clashes with the great Sol Invicti while Mercury moves back into arrogant Aries. You sink into confusion and consult a therapist or a shaman to find out what’s wrong with you, though why anyone would need an explanation other than the obvious I don’t understand, my little cloddish specimens.

An odious New Moon comes in idiot Aries, bringing a ghastly solar eclipse in your solar twelfth house of pain, hidden enemies and self-undoing. You sit there, a bull cheated, sinking into the slough of despond, and no comfort from your lover or from sycophantic marketing twits can lift you from the depths of your stygian gloom. Marauding Mars and vamping Venus clash in turn with underworld Pluto and we find you wandering bereft in dens of iniquity, spending a fortune on drugs and illicit sex.

Thus you lament your tragic fate, opposed as you are by the engines of the universe that drive the wheels of Heaven. Truly are you cursed, little bullish twerps! And will the fickle and insane gods that rule this benighted universe lift their curse? Click here next month and see!