Kevin Lawrence of Leicester has been out of work for four years now, but he's not content to sit around and wait for someone to knock on his door with a job offer. He has come up with an idea which he thinks could make him some money and revolutionise the fame game in the process.

“I spend maybe seven or eight hours a day watching channels like UK Gold, and I'm constantly asking myself, 'Where are they now?' or 'Is he dead yet?' and I'm thinking what those failed stars need is a hand up with a good dose of stalking publicity”. Mr Lawrence says that for the right price he could give any of these unfortunates the sort of attention they haven't enjoyed in years.

He has devised a list of services in a descending order of roles – everything from the lovesick admirer who threatens to jump off a bridge, to the fan who merely recognises the hapless has-been at the local off-licence. “It depends what they can afford, really”, he says.

There has been some positive reaction from the entertainment industry. One 1980s game show host, who desperately wished to be named, said, “I have to admit to some pangs of jealousy when I read about a psychiatric patient being arrested in possession of a machete in some successful TV star's backyard”.

Meanwhile Keith Chegwin, no stranger to showbiz oblivion, hails this as a wonderful innovation, but regrets that it comes too late for him. "I'd have given anything for a service like that during my years as a resting TV star", he says. "I often remember stumbling home from the pub at night and looking hopefully around for someone lurking behind me, but to no avail. There were even days when I'd have welcomed a bit of excrement through my letterbox, but all I got was fliers from the local pizza outlet. If it wasn't for my comeback in Dancing on Ice, I'd probably be looking for this guy's number."

How 'bout (either as a final para, or elsewhere) sudden difficulties due to the would-be stalker not being able to remember what the ex-celebrities looked like, and no-one being able to find any photographs anywhere ... or what they were well-known for ... or what their names were...?