A Jewish Woman's Journey Through Infertility

A Long Time

I write this for myself and any potential reader. Weeks and weeks of waiting for my IVF appointment. This is truly a test of my patience. Since my initial consultation, I was waiting to get pregnant months ago. I had envisioned being pregnant by now, getting ready for the imminent birth. Here I sit with empty arms, empty womb, and heavy, heavy heart. My baby is the burden of infertility. Hashem does not give us more than what we can handle. This is for the good. My head says this but my heart cannot absorb. I feel numb. I know my life is more than this infertility… this sense of failure.. I strive to find meaning in all of this… I seek clarity. This is the valley of the shadow of death…. I am walking solo….. yet somehow Hashem is with me although I cannot feel His Presence. I have not recited a tearful prayer in what seems like eternity… Now here we are in the month of Adar and I am supposed to be happy. Yeah Hashem! What do You want me to do? A dance on my dining room table? Forgive the sarcasm. This is me Rivkah with my wounds raw…. bleeding, bleeding…… it could be far worst. I am grateful, grateful that I was not born an Iranian or Saudi Arabian woman dressed in a burka…. See there is always something to be grateful for if one looks….

I have to think positively….. what if one day I feel new life in my womb…. what if one day I am walking outside in the sunshine high on life because my dream has come true… what if… what if… what if…… Hashem please let my dream come true ….. I will be so grateful…. I am ready to be a Jewish mother… even though I do not daven regularly, I am willing, willing willing to raise a Torah abiding Jew full of ahavas Israel and love of Hashem. Hashen what korban must I offer? I have tried to be better about giving tzedekah… Do not forget me… do not forget Your daughter.. After all I am Your Princess in Your Palace and You are the King…. I am not just your subject with whom you have a detached interest. Just as a parent wants the best for her child, so too I believe you have my best interest in Your heart…..