Hobbit with the Harry Potter Tattoo

Los Angeles- Barry M. Meyer, CEO of Warner Brothers, held a press conference today to announce the upcoming release of what is believed to be the most expensive movie ever made, Hobbit with the Harry Potter Tattoo.

Meyer explained thusly, "We already make Harry Potter movies and we own New Line Cinema, makers of The Hobbit adaptation, so it makes sense to combine the two franchises. That gives us a lock on the family audiences. The R-rated market is smaller, so it wasn't too hard to get Sony to give us the rights to the much anticipated remake of The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. So we get both audiences. It will be tough, combing the childlike wonder of fantasy worlds with the hard-edged violence and serial killings of Dragon Tattoo. But I think we've got it licked, thanks to the best efforts of several screenwriters whose names I can't remember.

"You have to wait till Thanksgiving for a new Harry Potter, while fantasy nerds have been waiting decades for The Hobbit. And so forth. This way, you don't have to wait anymore, or ever again." The eloaborate film is expected to run 16 1/2 hours.

Meyer was mum on story details, but information has been leaking out online for weeks. The storyline is a mishmash of the second half of the final Harry Potter book, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, the first three chapters of J.R.R. Tolkein's The Hobbit, and the bare bones of The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, the runaway bestseller by Swedish union leader Stieg Longstockinsson. In short, a brooding female Goth hobbit becomes mixed up with Harry Potter, who's been four years in juvie hall on a trumped up libel charge created by a muggle conspiracy. The two track down a talking dragon, Smaug, who's been torturing and slaughtering the denizens of Middle Earth and taking their gold.

Some are already questioning whether the mixture will work. Controversy is expected to surround the scene in which Harry Potter (Daniel Radcliffe) takes revenge on the professor (Alan Rickman) who abused him by shoving a Quidditch broom up the professor's ass. "The scene is quite graphic," reports Internet geek Harry Knowles, "and may be too intense for young children." And feminists are already in an uproar over a subplot in which Harry's friend Hermione is sold into white slavery and winds up a coke-addicted stripper in Bangkok. Rumor has it that actress Emma Watson refused to do the nudity required for the scene until Meyer blackmailed her with old photographs of her partying on the town with the kid who played Malcolm in the Middle. Asked to explain his shady behavior, Meyer erupted, "Shut up, you elitist Eastern swine! I've been blackmailing innocent starlets for years and I will continue to do so!" before regaining his composure.

The film's dicey content is expected to further upset the fundamentalist groups who have boycotted Harry Potter in the past. Such factions are a sore spot for Meyer, whose father Marvin A. Meyer, a television executive, was killed when one such group firebombed CBS offices over the risqué content of the show Petticoat Junction. Asked if he had anything to say to these fundamentalists, Meyer responded, "You're all a bunch of corn-eating losers," only to have Alan F. Horn, President of Warner Brothers cut in and say, "Actually, we're quite appreciative of the input of such groups. And we're throwing a bone to them by including a climactic cameo by Aslan, the God-like lion from the Narnia movies. We're sure this will placate everybody, no matter how prudish or irrational." Yet even this attempt has already backfired on the studio, since purists recently objected when the part of Aslan was played a mangy hyena rescued from a dump in downtown Burbank, where it was scavenging for dead rats. These purists insist that Aslan can only be played by a majestic lion, as portrayed in the book. Asked about this, Horn snapped, "Lion, hyena, who gives a damn! If you want to be exactly like the book, then you can stay home and read the damn book!"

The female hobbit is played by Miley Cyrus, who made herself look half her usual size by crawling on her knees. But Cyrus walked off the set in a salary dispute before her final scenes could be shot. Meyer assured this would not be a problem. "Hobbits are quite hairy, and you can barely tell the females apart from the males. So we had a wide range of short actors to choose from. In the end we were able to shoot the remaining scenes, which are romantic scenes and quite steamy, by using a bearded dwarf from the circus."

Meyer concluded, "We expect this movie to be so complex and earth-shaking, it will complete satiate the fondest wishes of movie lovers everywhere. After this movie is released, there'll be no need to watch another movie again. Which means we'll basically be closing shop. DVDs will cease to be produced as well. But it'll be well worth it to bring such happiness to people everywhere."

Make Brett Taylor's day - give this story five thumbs-up (there's no need to register, the thumbs are just down there!)

More fake news stories

NBC anchor Brian Williams, with all his credibility as a high-profile journalist apparently shot to hell, has decided that with his very creative imagination, that his next career stop is to become a fiction writer, according to an NBC assistant-to-t...

Kanye West has accused Walmart of "disrespecting shelf stacking" by handing Dave Goddard of Fort Lauderdale an employee of the month award instead of Beyonce, after interrupting the awards ceremony, held in the break room of the superstore located so...

In the U.S., satirical writing, even if it makes reference to real people and even if those references are defaming, is protected speech.
But according to Harvard Law professor Bruce Hay, there are established standards for determining whether or...

Taylor Swift, also known as "Swifty," came out and criticized the communist founder Carl Marx at a special Olympics fundraiser.
Swift who is currently dating a 20 year old man with down syndrome beliefs that Carl Marx was not the one that invented...

Hollywood, CA- Hollywood studios are having a difficult time achieving unbiased results from their experimental, marketing research using human guinea pigs.
Every film they have marketed, received bad result from crowds of educated theatergoers i...

Once upon a time there was a little girl taken to Fashion Week in NYC.
Her name was North West.
She didn't find it fun at all. In fact, she cried to show her displeasure. It wasn't a tantrum, she had reasons for crying. And now we know those re...

Made popular by his appearance on a Direct TV commercial, Meat Head Rob Lowe has been tapped by TLC to star in his own reality TV series.
"You with Me, Bro?" will join the ranks of the former learning channel's impressive list of high quality re...

Rumors have recently been circulating as to the odd appearance by Eddie Murphy at the Saturday Night Live 40 year anniversary show. An employee at NBC has leaked information that may shed some light on the situation.
It seems that Murphy suffers f...