You may remember me from the first “Saturday Night Live” – when that was on the air – and, uh.. or, perhaps, from my movies, or novels.. I was so.. moved.. and honored.. when they asked me to host this season’s, uh.. very first show. I don’t know what to say, I’m almost in tears! But I was, uh, somewhat surprised to find that the show is still, uh.. well.. still done live in New York City. I’m happy. It’s my town, and my people. And we’re still giving great comedy in the Big Apple, great comedy in the Big Apple right to the little fruits there in Hollywood. Huh! [ smiles and laughs extendedly ]

Secondly. I must say I was surprised and shocked by the inefficiency of the, uh, Los Angeles Airport. Let me explain this. I had a twelve o’clock flight out to New York – I won’t mention the airline, but it’s, uh.. the friendly one, but.. There I was, precisely at noon – you can trust this watch here. And I was on that ramp, staring into the window of a 747 doorway that was moving slowly back – they would not stop for me. Obviously, noon to them is, you know, 11:58. And that was a surprise to me, too.

[ camera has panned out to reveal that Chevy has been addressing to the audience via satellite from a 19-inch TV propped up on a high stand on casters ]

Which brings me, of course, to the third surprise – for all of us, I think. I’m not in New York. I’m in Burbank. But I am “Saturday Night Live”‘s first bi-coastal video host. [ audience cheers wildly for him ] Um.. and I’m proud to be a part of this hallmark event in the history of electronic entertainment. Just think – right now, my presence is being beamed live, via satellite, to you and right into your face. Just think – it’s only 8:30 my time, 11:30 your time; so I can.. still get to bed by 11:30, and up in the morning for tennis. Even though I can’t actually be in New York, you’re still getting to see my image, and you’re going to hear my voice, and.. touch my thigh. Consider yourselves lucky, and consider me lucky. I feel lucky tonight, and I feel happy.

When you think about it, the technology here is really incredible. They tell me I can even be in sketches, and I hope so. So, guys, why don’t you roll me over to the first sketch, what do you say?

[ a stangehand grabs the stand and attempts to wheel it across the stage, but accidentally tips it over, dropping the TV off the stage ]
[ cut to the broken TV lying on the ground, the screen intact with Chevy laying across the floor in Burbank ]