Ruddy love Thursday night football – The sound of the crowd, the smell of the bread, the vast selection of fruit and vegetables, the surprisingly excellent array of electrical goods… No, wait – that’s Sainsbury’s. I ruddy love Sainsbury’s. Thursday night football can suck my wrinkler. Can’t wait until I can watch Impractical Jokers at its regular time again.

Opposition Summary: Liverpool are a European team which is why we are playing them in the Europa League. According to my research, there have been no previous meetings between the two clubs and there is very little information to be found on this small team apart from that they play in a field. Their shirts are red and cost money whereas ours are white and are given away for free. THE OUTRAGE.

Prediction: Brett to stop pretending he talks to girls and accept his rightful place between us on the couch of solitude. Only joking – we can’t afford a couch. 0-0 United.

Liverpool is famous for two things: a band called Beatles(?) and the invention of the human liver (up until 1587, only certain animals were allowed livers under the Freedom of Information Act). I personally believe the liver to be overrated. In footballing terms, I don’t know a lot about them although I believe they were good like we were just longer ago when football was bad. Their new manager is the famous German clown Kloppo. James Milner. Gonna feel pretty bad cancelling on Brett now.

Genysis is spelt wrong on purpose?? Lol. Boy, I sure hope someone got fired for that one. Right, so it starts in the future, at the point that skynet loses and sends Arnie all 80s. Makes sense so far. Anyway, then it doesn’t for the rest of the film – Arnie has been guarding Saraince 1974 (whu-whut??) and she calls him Pops. It is never explained. It also means Terminator and T2 never happen. This is bad. Reese arrives as he should, but there’s like a new terminator ready for him but he dies pretty quickly. This is bad. Old Arnold/Pops explains the future has been changed or something because JC (John Connor not the Jesus one) got attacked as Reese time-travels. JC is now a terminator. This is bad. Rather than stay in the future and enjoy his victory, he decides to travel back to kill his mum and dad before Apple launch Skynet with apps and that (it’s like we’re living it!!!) This is bad. It then descends into much worse. This is also bad. Still, promises a sequel with a nonsensical tag which made me sick in my mouth. That aside, pretty good.

Prediction: A text about 11am tomorrow morning with some lame excuse. I have honestly no idea about the actual score because who knows which United will play; the one that looks quite good on occasion, or the one which makes you want to be sick in your mouth just to rinse out the taste of despair. And chicken. Although to be fair, I just ate some chicken.

I am going out for ‘dinner’ on Friday evening with a woman who is not only seven attractive weights above mine but is also under the impression that I am relatively good at eating in public. Idiot. And, so, I’ve had no time to think about washing, or eating, let alone football, as being the rational like a fox maverick you all know me to be, I have spent every third second of the day checking my phone, in anticipation of her cancelling.

After Kloppo exclaimed this as the “the mother of all games”, I have contacted Social Services.

Prediction: Rashford with his two custard pies in the face of Mignolet, with his face like a permanent expectant receptacle of said custard pies. A WhatsApp message around 11am tomorrow morning: something about having to work Saturday morning and a rain check 0-0 United.