Santa is a very bad man

Everybody knows that Santa is an anagram of Satan. It makes sense when you think about it.

Rarely has a figure inspired so much terror in children. Take a look at this link and you’ll see what I mean.

The act of giving gifts at Christmas time is essentially driven by a need to bribe children so they won’t think any more about Santa - won’t suffer ongoing nightmares of a looming, morbidly obese, red suited man with a booming voice and all those little capillaries that have burst on his face. As any adult knows and children strongly suspect, it is the face of a drunken ne’er-do-well.

Santa is a very bad man. He’s a break and enter specialist who is known to help himself to the drinks cabinet in your home. Mark the labels if you don’t believe me. He’s certainly been at my drinks trolley on numerous occasions. Many is the time that I have retired to bed with what I thought was half a bottle of scotch remaining only to find the thing empty the following morning.

One of the worst horrors perpetrated by Santa took place at Montmorency Cricket Club in Melbourne’s Diamond Valley. I’d played cricket with Santa on the last day’s play before the Christmas break. Santa was due to present himself down at the club and hand out toys to the children at 7.30 pm.

We had wrapped up operations early, as we liked to say, by knocking our opponents over by around three o’clock. We could have gone for an outright win but we were miles ahead on the ladder at the time and humiliating our opposition on the eve of Christmas sounded churlish, frankly.

So we put our feet up and ripped the top off a few of the sponsor’s product. Santa was an opening bowler and had developed an especially keen thirst. I watched him with a sense of unease as he guzzled down beers at a furious rate. By 6.00 pm, the time stumps would have otherwise been drawn, Santa had had a skinful.

I lost sight of Santa for an hour or so only to catch a glimpse of him as he travelled down to the pavilion in full regalia, perched awkwardly in the back of a trailer drawn by one of Santa’s helpers in an HJ Holden.

Santa’s helper approached a speed bump with a little too much enthusiasm and as the trailer rose and then crashed heavily to the ground, Santa flew out and landed face first on the unforgiving bitumen, his sack full of toys spilling onto the ground with him.

All the children waiting at the ground had watched Santa’s entrance with a sense of growing excitement but when they saw Santa hit the deck at a dangerous speed, they all burst into tears.

But Santa would not be deterred by a little gravel rash. He gathered the toys back into his sack, got to his feet and triumphantly marched to the pavilion, staggering a little with what I had hoped was a mere concussion.

Alas, Santa was not concussed. Santa was heavily intoxicated. I knew this when he approached the group of sobbing children and greeted them with a merry “Ho-ho f***ing ho, children.”

The rest is better left unsaid. Suffice it to say that Santa had to be escorted from the premises after a brief struggle. The president was called upon to give out the gifts but the kids remained deeply distressed and cried throughout. As far as I know they remain traumatised to this day.

Afterwards, the parents approached their children with heads bowed knowing “that chat” about Santa’s existence had been rushed upon them. The Easter bunny and the tooth fairy would remain real to these children but Santa would not. Santa could not be real.

The alternative was too horrible to contemplate. You could see it in the parents’ eyes. Santa could not be real because if he was, Santa was a very bad man who swore and smelled kind of funny.

Your Comments

When I was little, Jack, I was quite surprised to discover Santa wore rubber thongs as he delivered my presents.

A very Happy Christmas to you and your family. And of course to your esteemed commentators on the blog.

Jack the InsiderMon 24 Dec 12 (01:34pm)

Onya, BM. Have a great Christmas with those near and dear.

TracyMon 24 Dec 12 (01:44pm)

After being in the kitchen since 7am this morning I needed a laugh or a drink, the laugh will do although it comes with a slightly hysterical edge too it.
Another year gone on the JTI blog, have a good day with the family tomorrow Jack and to my fellow bloggers merry Christmas.

Jack the InsiderMon 24 Dec 12 (01:45pm)

Likewise, Tracy. And get yourself a drink. It’s so bloody hot.

PerentieMon 24 Dec 12 (01:53pm)

Great story JTI. We got past the Santa stage with our girls without too much trauma but my pensioner father still believes in Santa Claus. At least that what he tells cold callers from solar panel companies - “Where’s Santa going to land his sleigh with those bloody things all over my roof?”. It gets rid of them.

So Ho-ho f***ing ho and Merry Christmas to you and all the contributors that make this blog such a great read.

Jack the InsiderMon 24 Dec 12 (01:59pm)

Indeed, Perentie. Ho-ho f***ing ho to you, too.

EcclesMon 24 Dec 12 (01:54pm)

“a break and enter specialist who is known to help himself to the drinks cabinet in your home.”

In view of which, the following:

Hi Jack, as promised, a review of 10 yo Ardbeg single malt. A rather astonishing whisky. Ardbeg whiskies have carried off the major prizes in several recent international spirits competitions. I don’t know what sort of casks are used for aging this particular Islay malt, but it is by far the palest whisky of any kind that I have ever seen. It is much paler than Highland Park, from the Orkneys. I note that some of the Ardbeg whiskies are aged in heavily charred white American oak (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ardbeg), so this may well account for the very pale colour. Their website says they use a variety of casks. Compared to 10 yo Laphroaig, Ardbeg is much more subtle and altogether more approachable. The smoke is there, the peat is there, but there is sweetness and smoothness that is more heavily masked in its near neighbour. It is claimed to be the peatiest single malt of all, based on phenol equivalents analysis. Located on the road between Ardbeg and Laphroaig is Lagavulin, but I have not had the pleasure of a close acquaintance with the last of these, so cannot make a comparison. Ardbeg stills are also claimed to have a unique purifier, but have not seen what that might be. The Ardbeg website has a very extensive description of the distillation processes.

And in conclusion, Jack, a very Merry Christmas and a Precioussss New Year to you and yours, and to all the many contributors to the JTI blog. 2012 was a weird year. Will 2013 be any different?

Excuse me, must now go and water the fruit trees....

Jack the InsiderMon 24 Dec 12 (02:01pm)

Ah, many thanks, Eccles. What a fine man you are. I might invest in a bottle right now. Have a great Christmas with the Eccles clan.

MiltonMon 24 Dec 12 (02:08pm)

A great story Jack, told in your wonderful inimitable style. What chance have kids got with the mixed messages we send? Stranger danger, then Hello sit on this chaps lap and you’ll get a present.
And fancy you Jack, a 50th birthday and xmas all in the one year!!
Wishing you and yours a safe and happy festive season Jack. And the same to all the guys and dolls that inhabit this unique place!

Jack the InsiderMon 24 Dec 12 (03:31pm)

Thanks, Milton. Have a great Christmas and thanks for your contributions on the blog.

AdsaMon 24 Dec 12 (02:09pm)

Thanks for the laugh Jack, thanks for this years rants and insights and have a good one tomorrow.

Jack the InsiderMon 24 Dec 12 (03:32pm)

Onya, Adsa. You too.

BellaMon 24 Dec 12 (02:11pm)

I’ve had a look-see under the tree & there appears to be just one tiny parcel with my name on it, so I’m kinda hoping Santa finds my chimney tonight.
That said, I just wanted to wish you & your family a Merry Christmas Jack & thanks to you and all bloggers for a year of thought provoking writing. Regards Bella

Jack the InsiderMon 24 Dec 12 (03:33pm)

Thank you, Bella. Merry Christmas and if there’s nothing more than the small parcel for you tomorrow, you have my permission to scream the house down.

jackMon 24 Dec 12 (02:18pm)

cool and sunny here in hong kong, the wine has just been delivered, waifs and strays for lunch tomorrow, all is well with the world.

merry christmas to you and yours Jack, and to all who inhabit your blog.

Jack the InsiderMon 24 Dec 12 (03:34pm)

Likewise to you and yours, Jack. I have just finished the last of the shopping. A quiet one with the fam tomorrow before the push on Boxing Day.

The Bow-Legged SwantoonMon 24 Dec 12 (02:24pm)

One of the grimly funniest things I ever saw was at the Australia Zoo around Christmas in the early noughties. Steve Irwin put in a personal appearance with his guest, Santa for a croc-feeding show. He and the gent from the North Pole spent a little while gamboling about with huge chunks of flesh and Steve letting go with the occasional “Look out, Santa! He’s going to eat you!”

Obviously they hadn’t thought about the effect on young children in the audience of seeing Santa imperilled by a huge thrashing reptile frenzy. A great wail went up and they hurried the show up a bit. Steve disappeared in a very peremptory fashion. Funny as hell.

Many years ago we left some food out for Santa. Before we retired my wife took a bite out of one of the biscuits.
Daughter was heard to say sagely to younger brother the next morning “ See, he must be real, he has had something to eat”

Have a great Xmas and an even better election year 2013 Jack.

Jack the InsiderMon 24 Dec 12 (03:43pm)

It;’s the oldest trick in the book, JS. My two are now too old for Santa. Shame really. It was good fun for us parents. Have a good one with your family.

Duck!Mon 24 Dec 12 (02:40pm)

Have a good one, JackTI, thanks for the blogs.

Jack the InsiderMon 24 Dec 12 (03:44pm)

My pleasure, Duck. You, too.

JimboMon 24 Dec 12 (02:45pm)

Last year I was in America visiting some Jewish friends for Christmas. They had Santa come down the Chimney for me…

“ Ho Ho Ho ... who wants to buy some toys ...? “

Merry Christmas everyone.

Jack the InsiderMon 24 Dec 12 (03:44pm)

At wholesale prices, Jimbo? Have a great Christmas, too.

Anna-MarieMon 24 Dec 12 (02:51pm)

Not real?
Who is to say that your visiting Santa was not the real deal?
Merry Christmas JTI, and to everybody lurking and posting.

AM

Jack the InsiderMon 24 Dec 12 (03:48pm)

He was real, AM. Too damned real. Have a great Christmas with family friends, AM. Pleasure to have you on the blog.

EcclesMon 24 Dec 12 (02:53pm)

Jack the Insider
Mon 24 Dec 12 (02:01pm)

Jack, thanks for your kind words. The Eccles clan gathering will be a small one this year, as I have finally accepted that the evil Santa has raised high season airfares to NZ so high that I now refuse to pay them. Am therefore spending the next few weeks here in sunny Melbourne.

Which brings us to the most important matter. Never mind the evil Santa, will Pup pad up for Boxing Day? I say he should not. If he rates himself 50-50 only three days out, then he should be conservative, and as Inverarity has already signalled to be the state of mind of the selectors. I don’t get players like Mitchell Johnson saying that they should always select the best players at that moment, and t do any rotations. If these fellows would look at the pro sports in the USA, especially baseball and hockey, he would find that established players commonly go well into their late 30s, often into early 40s and the odd baseball player makes it to 50. A major part of this longevity is rotation of player assets. Baseball and cricket should be pretty comparable, as “non-contact” sports, yet longevity is cricket is streets behind baseball.

BTW, how well do you think that Pat Howard has fit into CA? Pat was one of my undergraduate students when I was on the staff at the University of Queensland.

Jack the InsiderMon 24 Dec 12 (03:53pm)

Work to do but seems on the ball, Eccles. I have had a small wager on the young Hughes lad top scoring in Australia’s first innings, based on the fact that the skipper may not play and if he does, may be a little restricted. Betting on cricket! What could possibly go wrong there?

GrannyfromthehillsMon 24 Dec 12 (03:22pm)

The Santa that visited the kinda my grandchildren attended had eyes that looked like their dads eyes. Peace and joy to all children in the world, I wish they could all look deeply into Santa’s eyes, and see love looking back at them.

Jack the InsiderMon 24 Dec 12 (03:54pm)

Love your work, Granny. Enjoy your Christmas.

JKMon 24 Dec 12 (03:28pm)

Santa is allowed to make few mistakes. Imagine the pressure he must be under to finance, manufacture and distribute all those toys to children within a short timeframe. Obviously, Santa is a half glass full person, as opposed to a half glass empty person. Anyway, I hope Santa has recovered from gravel rash, and is out and about to night bringing happiness to children and their parents, and the global economy.
JTI: Enjoy.

Jack the InsiderMon 24 Dec 12 (03:56pm)

Onya, JK. But let’s leave Santa out of this. The man is an incorrigible drunk.

AddinallMon 24 Dec 12 (03:40pm)

Merry Christmas to you Jack, and to bloggers all.
(To the tune of Winter Wonderland. Geek Author unknown)

“Another “ping”,
Are you listenin’?
The puter screen,
Is a glistenin’.
With icons so bright,
They light up the night,
Welcome to the e-mail wonderland!

Gone away,
Are the hall talks.
Here to stay,
Is the IN-BOX.
Flagged “urgent, please read!”,
And “answer with speed!”.
Welcome to the e-mail wonderland!

In the morning e-mails start to add up.
No lunch today cause messages abound.
Just click away and hope the server stays up.
You can’t do your job if it goes down.

10 P.M.,
You’re not tired.
The caffeine,
Has got you wired.
The day’s not complete,
Till the last delete,
Welcome to the e-mail wonderland!

In the morning e-mails start to add up,
No lunch today cause messages abound.
Just click away and hope the server stays up.
You can’t do your job if it goes down.

Until you,
Are retired,
The same old grind,
It is required.
You’ll face unafraid,
That message parade.
Welcome to the e-mail wonderland.......[...]”

Jack the InsiderMon 24 Dec 12 (03:59pm)

Let it blow, let it blow, let it blow… Adinall. many thanks for your contributions on the blog this year, too

Ah yes, he was a very angry, Santa. Best wishes for Christmas, Penguin. See you on the blog next year.

MegMon 24 Dec 12 (04:15pm)

I thought Satan was the person dyslexic kids wrote to asking for an IG Joe or a bule bike.

Buon Natale and all the best for 2013.

Jack the InsiderMon 24 Dec 12 (04:34pm)

Very nice, Meg and best wishes to you and yours for Christmas. It is a delight to have you on the blog.

BRUDMon 24 Dec 12 (04:30pm)

May Santa, bad or otherwise, leave under your tree a 25 y.o. Glendronach single malt..To you and all your wonderful followers a merry bloody xmas and a ripper 2013.

Jack the InsiderMon 24 Dec 12 (04:33pm)

It’s best I buy these things for myself to avoid any muck ups, Brud but that is a very kind wish. Best wishes to you, too.

nossyMon 24 Dec 12 (04:31pm)

Take my neighbour Ronald. Jack, PLEASE - hahah the idiot whingers and complains all year with no real happiness and today the senile dickhead is walking round his backyard , pissed, with a Santa hat on trying to act like he is Mr Wonderful - talk about scaring the kiddies - hes scared us!

Jack the InsiderMon 24 Dec 12 (04:35pm)

Take out a restraining order at once, Nossy. No good will come of that.

yerself is steamMon 24 Dec 12 (04:35pm)

Jack, All my christmasses come at once, 6.30pm xmas day the Boxing Day test in a bar on 38th between 6th and 7th. Guns checked at the door.
Merry xmas to all.

Jack the Insider

Jack the Insider is a highly placed, dedicated servant of the nation with close ties to leading figures in politics, business and the union movement. Jack tends to be present at crucial moments in world history, ready to grapple with huge events and give them a gentle nudge. His real identity must remain unknown for obvious reasons. Jack's new book The Insider's Guide To Power In Australia is available from Random House.