29 April 2009

In the 70s, Daniel shows up to the Dharma camp (he had been on assignment in Ann Arbor). He tells Jack that his mother was wrong and that they don't belong there. He tells Dr. Chang that he's from the future and everyone needs to evacuate the Island because their drilling has unleashed an electromagnetic something-or-other. And he tells him that Miles is his son.

Daniel goes off with Kate and Jack to find the Others so he can find his mother. First he stops off to see Charlotte as a little girl. And reminds Jack and Kate that they are in "their present" and so any of them can die. And gives me a headache explaining how, despite that, he's going to change the events that lead up to their plane crash by detonating the hydrogen bomb on the Island. I don't understand how he can change that, and have the flight not-crash, and still exist on the Island. If the flight never crashes, they never end up on the Island, right? Would they suddenly just disappear? I'll just wait to have it spoon fed to me.

Unfortunately, Daniel won't be testing his theory because he gets shot -- by his own mother! She knew all along that this was going to happen, that she was going to kill her own son. He looks dead to me. R.I.P. Jeremy Davies. I had just decided to use your character's name and everything. How sad.

There was a random clip from Star Trek during the break. Looked more like Starship Troopers Goes to the North Pole. Thank god it didn't give too much away - I'm on Media Blackout.

The killer is infected with an ancient strain of syphilis. It's traced to a weird scientist whose wife was infected by the ZFT terrorist group. She's the one picking up dudes and eating their spines with her nasty, two-sets-of-teeth. The scientist had been feeding her his own spinal fluid for a while - now he's in a wheelchair with no more to give. Gross.

They catch the chick at a club and manufacture an antidote out of whatever spinal fluid the guy has left. I don't need to see any more spines and spinal taps. I've reached my quota. The wife is saved but the husband dies as a result of the experiment. It was his choice, but I still feel so bad for Walter. I hope he got a signed consent form from the guy.

Before he died, the guy gave Olivia a list of ZFT members. The funds behind ZFT: William Bell.

Pacey's Quote of the Week: At the club: "I'm looking for someone with syphilis." Best rejection line ever.

Walter's Quirk of the Week: Offering cookies to the guys that bring the corpses to his lab. He also uses a Clapper to control the lab's lights.

This week's code: EIGHT. What? You can't just leave it there. Eight what?

I finally felt conscious enough to upload the pictures from our trip to EPCOT and Universal. EPCOT was having a garden festival, so there were great character topiaries. I thought I got a picture of Mrs. Potts. I didn't. FAIL.

At Universal, the new Simpsons area - Krustyland - was really awesome.I couldn't resist getting my picture taken with Homer and Marge.

The new issue of Us Weekly has shocking, exclusive pictures of the Jon & Kate Plus 8 dad leaving a club at 2 a.m. -- with a mystery woman and without his wedding band.

Jon Gosselin arrived at the club at 11:20 p.m. and by 2 a.m. "could barely walk" as he exited the less-public back entrance of Legends Lounge -- near the family's $1.3-million home in Wernersville, Pennsylvania -- on April 18, a fellow partier tells Us Weekly.

While TLC had no comment on the story or the couple's marital status, Jon sent an emailed statement to Us.

"I went to Legends to speak to the owner. A friend of mine wanted to check out my car, so I let her drive it to her car," he says. "Yes, I have female friends -- but that is all she is. I'm not going to end my friendships just because I'm on TV."

In February, the 32-year-old was spotted flirting with -- and even attempting to kiss -- coeds at Juniata College, multiple students confirm to Us Weekly. (He denied any wrongdoing.) He told one coed "he was getting divorced." In the May Ladies Home Journal, he says, "I always thought I would be, like, 54 years old and marry a 19-year-old or something."

28 April 2009

Even with his vocal chords seizing, Jack can still get out an APB on Tony. Jack is the martyr, naturally, wracked guilt because he vouched for Tony.

The dude Tony was working with tries to double-cross him, but Badass Tony will have none of that, kicking the dude's ass and suffocating him with a shower curtain. I don't like new murderous Tony. :(

The undercover-lawyer chick from last week shows up at Tony's hotel, and I guess dead bodies in the bathroom make her horny. Her group wants to wait 6 months until the next attack, while Tony wants to "finish the job" and take down the U.S. while it's vulnerable.

This chick has a middle-of-the-night video conference with her shady people and they agree to attacking today. The plan is to use the canister and blame it on a Random Middle Easterner. Attacking the U.S. makes Tony horny.

Jon Voight doesn't get the pill all the way down. Jack goes to interrogate him, offering him a slot in the witness protection program. Voight doesn't know who the greater group is though, he doesn't even know the name of that chick who served as the intermediary.

The CTU servers have to be reopened in order to access a list of terrorists. (Really? CTU goes away and you don't back that list up somewhere?) Chloe to the rescue!!

Tony and his chick go to the Random Brown Guy's house. They plan to force him to do some incriminating stuff and then kill him so they can plant his body at the scene and frame him. The episode ends there.

This mother/daughter President/Chief of Staff dynamic sucks. Are you having a family argument or are you running a freaking country!? This President is going to be back next season too. Boo. Unless she grows some balls.

Shout-out to 24 for the brief gay action though! Cuz that guy who Olivia called totally had a dude sleeping next to him, right? It's also late and I could be imagining things. And when I imagine things, they tend to be gay.

27 April 2009

Warning: I'm still hella sick and hella testy. This does not bode well for the season finale of Heroes.

Sylar shape-shifts his anatomy around so that he's now apparently even-more-impossible to kill, and disposes of Agent Vampire. He makes everyone believe Vampire is actually him, and he is handed over to Bennet. Then he shape-shifts into Nathan. That's a lot of shape-shifting for someone who has been losing teeth over it.

Hiro starts bleeding from more orifices. First the nose, now the ear, I don't want to know what's next. He and Ando break into Building 26 and find Mohinder, who diagnoses Hiro instantly - his body is rejecting his powers. Now? How convenient.

Claire shows up at Nathan's office and tags along to Sylar/Nathan's visit with the President. What is it - Take Your Daughter To Work Day? Sylar reveals himself and uses his puppet master powers on Claire to make her drink wine. Underage drinking! Now that's just wrong. He couldn't have thought of something better to make her do?

Now why didn't Sylar kill the real Nathan? No idea. Because now Nathan's conscious and heads to meet the President. He and Peter fight it out with Sylar - behind closed doors so as to save the special effects budget. Sylar slits Nathan's throat and it's awesomely gruesome and, for the 16th time on this show, R.I.P. Nathan. Why does it always have to be Nathan?

Sylar shape-shifts into President Worf's Chief of Staff, but he doesn't end up with the President - it's Peter as the President. Because Peter borrowed the shape-shifting power while they were fighting. Kind of cool.

Angela and Bennet get Matt to take Sylar, erase his mind, and replace his memories with Nathan's so that effectively they are turning him into Nathan. Confusing. So now Nathan is really Sylar and at some point one can only assume that Sylar will remember who he is and end up really, really confused. And really, really pissed.

Volume 5 begins 6 weeks later. Tracy is back, taking the form of water, and drowning former Building 26 agents. And Nathan is mysteriously drawn to a clock that he knows is running a minute and a half fast....

All I can say is that with a show this crappy, Chuck had better come back next season.

I am eagerly anticipating tonight's Subway. Oh, and the Chuck finale. But also the Subway. Over in England, they got Zachary Levi to visit a Subway with 200 friends and make sandwiches. He's an angel, I swear he is. This video makes me happy.

26 April 2009

A couple weeks back, some brilliant mind determined there was a code to the little pictures that are shown before the commercial breaks. The code can be found here. Mike decided to play along as we finally watched this week's episode. Tonight's code: BELL, as in William Bell, Walter's former partner, founder of Massive Dynamic, and experimenter on children. The last glyph hasn't been translated yet, but it could be a W, like "BELL, W."

Freak of the Week: Olivia is the Freak of the Week! She dreams about pushing a woman onto a subway track, and she awakens to find out the woman actually died that way. Walter suspects opium, natch.

Olivia and Pacey go to New York to investigate and the crime scene is just as it was in Olivia's dream. Then she has another dream where she helps a woman stab her husband to death in a jealous rage.

Turns out Olivia is "watching" these murders through the eyes of the actual killer (a dude named Nick), who is somehow compelling these deaths (perhaps unwittingly). Nick was subjected to the same medical experiments as a child that Olivia was, courtesy of William Bell. Bell nicely used the "buddy system" and Olivia was Nick's buddy.

Nick's emotions are contagious essentially. Walter puts Olivia into a hypnotic sleep so they can follow along with what she sees Nick do. She/he visits a strip club, bangs a stripper, and then his guilt and remorse cause the chick to slit her throat.

Olivia figures out where Nick lives. Nick has one of those Crazy People Walls in his apartment with newspaper clippings and notes. He's not home though because he's walking the streets all suicidal. As he walks, people begin following him until they all end up on a building roof, ready to jump. Freaky as hell.

Olivia goes up to talk to Nick and he remembers her, asking her to kill him. When she won't, he sends one woman to her death. She falls on a car next to Pacey and Walter and Walter's all, "I do hope Agent Dunham meant to do that." LOL! Finally, Olivia shoots Nick and the people are released from their trance. She doesn't kill him though, and he's kept in a drug-induced coma indefinitely.

At the end, Walter watches a videotape of a young Olivia held in a cell - and his voice can be heard along with Bell's. I loved this episode, and can't wait for more exploration of what happened to Olivia as a child, what Walter knows, and what this means for them now.

Brooke wants to stay here as long as she can. So she's out this episode, right? Right.

Hey, Rachel: What's a hair nail (since that's what Paula beat you by)? And if you have one, please see a doctor.

Landon and Ruthie win the challenge. I do love this "who is picked last" nonsense. It's good stress on people. Last picked: Brooke and Davis. Davis brings in Evan, Brooke calls out Brittini.

The boys gets a puzzle, much to Evan's dismay. He wanted to beat the crap out of Davis. Big dummy.

Bye-bye: Brooke (duh) and Davis (see, Evan, nothing to worry about, get the sand out of your vagina).

Was it just me and my headache or was this episode boring? I don't care about the Paula and Evan dramalama. Probably because I can't stand Paula. Though now they made it look like everyone's gunning for Evan and I don't like that.

24 April 2009

Twice the Fun or Twice the Pain? Definitely pain. I really don't like watching a once-kickass show die a slow, painful death. I figure if I knock out two episodes at once it'll go away quicker.

Dear God this show hasn't been on in ages, and it's been eons since it was any good. The Brothers' mother is the bad guy now, that's all I know. That, and it's set in Miami now.

So Lincoln's trying to get Scylla to the General and Michael's trying to keep it from him, right? I think we're supposed to be impressed that Mom is badass and threatening and at odds with the General. I'm not.

Lincoln follows some clues Mom left to meet up with her. She claims she's going to help and find a way for the Brothers to live free, but she's a manipulative psycho, so I don't know.

Sure enough, Mom orders Lincoln to be gunned down, but his buddies Mahone, T-Bag, and Michael Rapaport see the gunman first and prevent it. They end up following Mom to the Indian Embassy of all places. WHUT!? Please tell me this isn't just an excuse to make a circular Taj Mahal reference back to the first season. Oh Christ. I think it is. Plus Mom wants to partner up with India on Scylla.

Michael (who is fat now) and Sara stow away in the back of a semi. When it is commandeered by a Company agent, they break out the only way they can - MacGruber style. Naturally, they also find some random clue on a piece of paper in the dude's pocket.

Sara somehow gets into a friend's Miami condo. That's convenient, that she had that friend, with that condo, who wasn't in it, and somehow had a key. And as if that weren't enough of a violation of her friend, SARA TAKES ONE OF HER PREGNANCY TESTS!

A. Why does the friend have a pregnancy test in her medicine cabinet if she only uses the condo once a year? Women don't keep pregnancy tests around. They buy them when they need them, take them quickly, then get the morning after pill. B. When did Sara have the chance to get pregnant? I can't even recall them having sex. I should expect nothing less from this show, though. By which I mean I should expect nothing.

Michael and Sara follow the Random Clue to a car and determine that the driver was to pick up some Sandinsky dude at the airport. So they head to the airport to pick him up. Luckily, it's a small airport so Michael can go through all of the flight logs with all of the passengers in 4 seconds flat. He can also break into the Air Traffic Control tower and force the one guy working there to tell the plane to land where he and Sara can get to it. They nab Sandinsky as he's coming off the plane, chased by Mom's people, who also want Sandinsky.

Having just gotten out of my sick bed long enough to finally watch this week's epically-amazing Chuck, I feel the need to say this:BUY SUBWAY ON MONDAY, PEOPLE!!!

If the show doesn't go on, neither will I. I need Chuck like I need oxygen. A lot.

To reward and incentivize Subway for their product placement support of Chuck, on the evening of the season finale, April 27th, go to your local Subway to purchase a $5 FOOTLONG. Drop a note in the comment box at the franchise letting them know you’re participating in the ChuckTV.net campaign to save NBC’s Chuck, of which Subway is a product placement sponsor.

It's not just a good idea - it's a nutritious meal. Please. Do it for me.

21 April 2009

Still sick, but I've sucked it up enough to watch 24. Because I need to see if Tony being bad was all a nightmare. *sob*

First, the other crap. Jon Voight's attorney is replaced by a lookalike and she visits him in White House Jail. I think she represents the group that contracted with Starkwood to manufacture the weapon. She offers him a pill to induce cardiac arrest, and he eventually takes it while being transported to the FBI.

Kim heads back to Los Angeles and calls her husband. He's no Chase, he looks pretty wimpy to me. But he's better than that old vagina face she used to bang. His name is Steven and they have a baby daughter named after her mom, Teri. That name sucks for a baby. She could have named her Jacklyn.

Tony shoots himself in the gut and whines like a little bitch about it. He almost nicked an artery too - hahaha! Self-injury: FAIL. So he had Random Black Dude steal that canister of bioweapon so they can sell it to Tony's "employer", who apparently is the same group that the fake-attorney is from. He helps direct him around the perimeter and generally acts like a boss.

Jack's being debriefed on his day, but he can't resist a big FBI tactical meeting when he sees one. Renee fills Jack in on Larry's death and Tony's injury. Ten bucks says Jack will get those treatments now that he has the chance to save the world again. Well, he doesn't get the treatments, but he does tag along in Renee's helicopter.

Renee insists on seeing Larry's body, so she can have more to cry about. Women shouldn't be FBI Agents or Presidents. Jack eyeballs an autopsy and conducts a 2-second crime scene investigation, and that's all it takes for him to know something is suspicious. LOL! Dammit, Tony, you cannot pull one over on Jack Bauer!!

Sure enough, Jack does some super-intuitive-sleuthing and figures out The Black Guy was laying a trap for the FBI. The dude still blows the building and loads of FBI die. Tony quite hilariously is able to find his man in the wreckage and gets the canister from him.

Jack also figures out that there has to be someone on the inside helping. A nicely-timed call from his Debriefer makes it clear Tony lied to Jack about something. And now IT! IS! ON!

Jack has a seizure while he's confronting Tony AND TONY JUST LETS HIM SEIZE IN FRONT OF HIM, WITHHOLDING HIS MEDICATION! Oh my god, Tony just broke my heart. Officially broke my heart. Mike thought Jack was faking it to prove Tony was bad, but I don't think he was. And either way, Tony's just letting his old BFF seize in front of him.

Also, Agent Park is the new Agent Baker. I love nothing more than incidental Asian agents.

Dammit, Tony, you made me feel even worse. Back to my regularly-scheduled dying and whining.

20 April 2009

I'm tired, sick, and in a bad mood. Probably not a good idea to watch a show that has been pissing me off lately. I'll try to keep an open mind. Good thing it was a Sylar-heavy episode!

We're 18 hours before the end of the last episode, and Sylar's having a hard time mastering the fine art of shape-shifting. He feels like he's losing who he really is - and gaining extra teeth that he has to pull out. Ew.

Clint Howard! Awesome guest star! That man never ages, but that's not his superpower. He has the ability to - disintegrate things? Sylar kills him in his usual Sylar-fashion, leaving "I Am Sylar" in blood on the wall. The man just has the need to kill, and refuses to be controlled by Agent Vampire.

Vampire tries to help Sylar through his identity crisis, telling him he needs an anchor to remind him who he is. So Sylar gets the evidence from his mother's murder scene and proceeds to discuss things with her. Like, he goes all Norman Bates and has a conversation AS her. And him. It's freaking psychotic is what it is.

Sylar corners Micah and almost falls for Micah's little "I know you're special, man, and you can help save us all" routine. Do-gooder. Once Micah gives him the idea to transform into Nathan, Sylar sends him away and heads to his office. Good thing Nathan keeps a toothbrush in his desk so that Sylar can use the DNA to transform.

Sylar/Nathan holds a press conference and asks the President to meet with him. Because when Sylar/Nathan meets with the President, he'll be taking over his face next! Dun-dun-dun! Real Nathan sets out to stop them from meeting. Sylar/Nathan and Nathan/Nathan meet face-to-fake-face. Sylar's about to kill him when Agent Vampire busts in and breaks it up by tranquilizing Nathan. Then he shoves a knife into the back of Sylar's neck... but it doesn't kill him. So he... missed the spot? I don't know, but I do know that Sylar's pissed and Vampire's toast.

In other news, Matt returns Baby Matt to Janice and is surrounded by agents just as he vows his revenge. And Hiro and Ando break into Building 26 and Hiro gets a power-stopping nosebleed. Nope, really. That's about it. And I'm still tired, sick, and cranky.

Aneesa defeats Shauvon (The Boob Girl, as MJ aptly calls her) in what was essentially a giant girlfight. No one hugs her goodbye until she begs for it, and even then only like two girls do it. Ahahaha. Can't wait to see you at the next one, sweetie!!

Thanks to The Soup I now know that Kimberly is that racist idiot from Hollywood ("Ghetto Blackville"). Now I'm keeping my eye on her.

Mark and Rachel win the stupid Push the Human Pucks into the Target Challenge. Or at least it was stupid - until they had to sit on the blocks of ice in Speedos and bikinis. Ahahaha. Davis has a big ol' butt.

Picked last: Robin and MJ, because Paula betrayed him and her crew. Ahahahaha.

In The Duel, Robin loses to Racist Kimberly and MJ defeats Ryan. No more gay makeouts. Boooo.

Heidi Klum is less than four months pregnant with her fourth child, reports E!.

The 35-year-old supermodel and her husband, singer Seal, already have two sons together, Henry, 3, and Johan, 2. Heidi also has a daughter, Helene “Leni”, 4, from her relationship with Italian racecar team manager Flavio Briatore.

15 April 2009

Ooo I forgot - a Miles-centric episode! I love Miles. He's snarky and he talks to dead people. And he was rocking some kickass black nail polish and piercings in the flashbacks.

We see him do his Haley Joel Osment shtick throughout the years, and get hired by Naomi to join Widmore's Freighter Crew. A van full of guys nabs him and warns him not to work for Widmore, but with Miles money talks.

Back in the present (or the 70s), Horace sends Miles out to transport something that turns out to be a dead Dharma body. Miles determines that he was murdered by fellow Dharmas and it wasn't the accident they claimed it to be.

It turns out that Miles's dad is that Asian doctor who's always heading up things at Dharma - and goes by a million different names. But tonight he is known as Dr. Chang. Miles is there too, as a 3-month-old. Now that's freaky.

14 April 2009

Freak of the Week: Animal activists spring animals from a lab. Well, animals and a monster. The monster makes it quite clear how he feels about granola-eating hippies, ripping them all up.

Charlie's attacked by it too, and for a minute there I thought he was going to be taken from me. But he survived the attack, so I thought I was off the hook. Then they determined that the monster plants larvae in its victims... and Charlie got scratched! Now he's "pregnant" with the larvae.

After losing David Silver and losing Tony to the Dark Side, there's no way I can take losing Charlie too. SAVE HIM, WALTER!!

The team goes underground to hunt the monster in the sewer. Freaking. Awesome. Walter gets all self-sacrificial and adorably squishy before killing the monster.

And, as I requested, Walter saves Charlie. Thank god. But now that he has survived, I have to say I was disappointed to see that Charlie is married (I don't know that they mentioned it before), only because I love him and Olivia together so much. I was kind of hoping they'd hook up. Though I'm also fine with them being adorable BFFs.

Puke of the Week: A dead body splits open, brimming with larvae.

Walter's Quirk of the Week: I can't choose between these two. There was an ear in his omelet. And he ate food from a car full of dead bodies. Ew. I can't go with you on this one, Walter.

13 April 2009

Tony's still at Starkwood and he witnesses a fuel truck pumping some kind of surface-to-surface missile fuel. Due to that little clue, Tony and Jack figure that's why the President called off the airstrike. They are smart. Jack confronts the President and she confesses. This President has turned out to be just as laughable as the others. SHE'S PLANNING TO MEET WITH JON VOIGHT SECRETLY!? I didn't think Presidents could wipe their asses secretly. She is effing crazy and Jack knows it. He needs to just run for President already.

Anyway, the President not-really-but-go-ahead approves the plan for Tony to blow up the missiles and bioweapons. Tony can do this in his sleep! He's all loaded up with his own Messenger Bag of Death! Go Tony! And just in the nick of time, Tony blows everything to hell. YISS!

Meanwhile, the President and Jon Voight meet and he wants to be partners - the fifth branch of the military. He's essentially blackmailing her - gimme a seat at the table or I kill my fellow Americans. When did this S get this crazy? Once the President gets word that the missiles have been taken out, now she acts all tough and has Jon Voight arrested. He plays the "This thing is bigger than me" card. Of course it is. The season's not over yet.

I officially have zero respect for this President. She's a pussy who likes to pretend she's tough. And Jack and Tony saved her ass. Eff her.

Kim Bauer arrives so she can save Jack's life with her magical stem cells. Kim may be annoying, but Jack loves her so much and I love them together, so I'm glad she's back. She's been trying to track Jack down for a while now, but he's all insistent on not needing her help. NO! Force your stem cells into him, Kim!

In the end, an FBI agent discovers a bad guy with a canister of bioweapon... a bad guy who goes driving off, right through that always-solid "perimeter". Larry and Tony pursue the guy, and Larry gets shot - but then Tony kills him!!!! Smothers Larry's ugly ass to death!!!! Which, YAY Tony, but BOO Tony because he's like fully bad now! OH SNAP, SON!

OK, now this, even more so than what I usually write, is all for my sister. The President's outfit = the outfit I wore in my Senior Portrait. Do you remember it? Because I'm not lying. AND OMG TONY IS BAD!!!!!!!!

1961. A time of hippies, free love, and medical experimentation on people with superpowers. A simpler time. When people were bussed to internment camps in the mountains.

Angela and her sister Alice (whose powers are stolen from Storm from the X-Men) are welcomed at the camp by Mohinder's Papa. They meet Charles Deveaux, Linderman, and Ned Ryerson. Jesus, it's like Heroes: The High School Years. Or Hogan's Heroes Babies. Only with the lame characters. Actually, Young Charles is quite hot. So color me interested.

Aside from the flashbacks, there's loads of Petrelli Family Bitching. Which, in case you didn't know, makes a burgeoning headache even worse. And Mohinder shows up, because of course he found a file in his father's files that mentions Coyote Sands. The file is redacted with lots of blackouts, mind you, but the Top Secret Location is just hanging out there. Mmm-kay.

Angela meets up with her Not-Dead Sister Alice, who looks a bit witchy. I suppose if you've been living in a bomb shelter for 50 years, that'll happen. You'll also become a crazy hoarder, if the number of newspapers is any indication.

So it turns out that Alice's Storm powers triggered things like Dr. Suresh slapping her, her dad fighting back, gunfire, etc., etc. There was no purposeful mass extermination then? Oh, and Angela loves socks so much because her sister's feet were cold one time. Good lord.

And in the end they leave the desert after re-burying the bodies which they dug up... why again? And what did they accomplish? Alice shows up, freaks out, disappears again, and then everyone goes out for fries. The end.

Except there was one good bit at the end when they're all in the diner - watching "Nathan" on TV giving a press conference. It's Sylar. Ha!

Finally caught up on last week's Dollhouse and it was sooo good! Hearing that this show might be canceled is Thing No. 657 that has made me bitter this week.

The main plot revolves around a spy in the Dollhouse who has been tampering with the implants. So I assume the spy is the one who sent Mellie back to Agent Helo with a message. It was creepy-cool - they were hanging out and then suddenly it was like a switch flipped. She was all, "This body has been sent to you with a message. She is a sleeper agent. Don't tell her anything about your investigation. You need to investigate why the Dollhouse exists." Meanwhile, Agent Helo has one of those paper/Post-Its/strings charts on his wall, the kind that signifies Nutsy Obsessive.

Sierra is imprinted to find the source of the chip, which is tracked to the NSA. She breaks in to the NSA taking the place of an Asian employee. Because, you know, all rook same. (And they must. Because it worked.) She gets the name of the mole on some kind of top-secret invisible paper. No really, it was like one of those transparencies from the projector in high school with digital information encoded on it.

While she's out, Hot Geek imprints Echo to investigate the spy from within the House. It ends up being Head of Security Close-Eyes, who worked for the NSA. Attic Time! His mind is wiped and stored onto a disk while his body is stored somewhere else. Good. Get those too-close eyes away from me.

In other news, the Dollhouse Madame is even more of a Minxy Cougar than I thought. Turns out she's been hiring out Victor - for fencing and sex. Minx!

And in the saddest note, Boyd is no longer Echo's Handler!!! He was promoted to Head of Security. But nooooooooo! I can't have them broken up!! He's bummed about it too. Though the only silver lining is that the show brought in their 85th Asian cast member for the new Handler. I love this show.

Mel Gibson and his wife of nearly 30 years, Robyn Moore, have filed for divorce, PEOPLE has confirmed.

The couple released the following statement: "Throughout our marriage and separation we have always strived to maintain the privacy and integrity of our family and will continue to do so."

Gibson met Moore, at the time a dental nurse, in the late 1970s after the American-born actor, who moved to Australia when he was 12, had filmed his breakthrough success, Mad Max. The pair, both now 53, married on June 7, 1980, and have seven children – Hannah, 28, twins Edward and Christian, 26, William, 24, Louis, 21, Milo, 19, and Thomas, 9.

They've been married forever and have a million kids, so why now? I guess she doesn't like to be called sugartits anymore. Sad.

It's Ball Party day. Ball-themed foods in honor of the last day of the Masters golf tournament. Everything's prepped and I have "Circus" playing on my iPod (tucked safely away in my apron's convenient pocket).I'm ready... are you?

11 April 2009

If this ends up being the last episode ever, it's actually a perfect one. So I'd be OK with that. I like the open-ended-ness, which suits a mind-eff time-travel series.

Sarah's stuck at the jail the whole time. She gets word to John that he's supposed to leave her and move on. Ten bucks says that Mama's Boy can't leave well enough alone.

Shirley Manson Terminator wants to meet with John. Ellison finds John and Cameron, but John won't agree to meet with Shirley. In that case, Ellison asks Cameron a question from Shirley: "Will you join us?" Cameron claims to not know what that means.

Cameron and John show up to the jail to spring Sarah. John Henry watches the whole thing on the video monitors and helps disarm the security system. This means all of the prisoners break out and their escape is even easier in the ensuing chaos.

A Terminator arrives to kill Shirley, but of course she's a liquid metal model so she deflects the bullets... and electrocutes the Terminator. John Henry works to determine who sent the Terminator.

The Connors go to meet with Shirley Manson Terminator. Shirley tells them they have a common enemy - Sky Net - that she's been working to destroy. Then a flying Terminator comes crashing in the window and Shirley liquidizes herself into a metal shield to save them.

Meanwhile, Cameron goes to meet with John Henry. They're all "I know you." "I know you." "Will you join us?" When the Gang gets downstairs they find Cameron's "dead" and her chip is missing. She gave it to John Henry (to literally join them - which I totally called)... and they determine that he has time traveled. Shirley asks Ellison to pick her daughter up from gymnastics (LOL!) and then Shirley and John time-jump to find him. Sarah stays behind.

In the future, Derek (HI DAVID SILVER!) finds John - and he's never heard the name John Connor before. Also, John's Daddy is there with Cameron (I'm thinking it's the human version of Cameron). Well aren't we a big happy family now?

At the very end, we see someone transporting themselves into the future and Sarah's voice saying, "I love you too."

BONUS: The ad for Terminator: Salvation. OH HOLY NIGHT I can't wait for that movie. And the music gets me cised, as always.

10 April 2009

Sarah Michelle Gellar and Freddie Prinze Jr. are expecting their first child together, a source close to the couple confirms exclusively to PEOPLE. "They're very excited," says the source, adding that the actress, 31, is due in the fall.

09 April 2009

New Zealand. Sweet. I hope The Flight of the Conchords make an appearance. Or at least Frodo. New Zealand is hella cold. I'd hate being on this challenge. Can't they go back to where hurricanes strike?

The opening credits crack me up. Like, so funny, I'm going to watch them every week just to laugh. Nice choreography, jackasses. It's so angry and hardcore. AHAHAHAHAHAHA

Brad and Tori are engaged, really? YAY Gay Ryan!! Can we get JD on the show with him please? But yay that Ryan and Davis made out. Mmmm. YAY Evan - I love you! We also get the Fat Dude (Eric) and the Old Dude (Mark, who I thought retired). Why does Robin look weird? Because she's skinnier or something? Something happened to her face. And then there are a bunch of people I don't know because I didn't watch the last couple Real Worlds before Brooklyn.

Can they get a new host already? I'm over TJ. But I hope he gets disappointed in someone again; that's always fun.

The first sex of the show is some big-tittied chick named Shauvon and CT. This leads to a confrontation between Adam and CT, because CT thought Adam told Diem. Before the first challenge is even conceived, the first punch is thrown. CRACK! Right in Adam's face. It takes forever to break up the fight. CT punches a massive hole in the wall and then goes back outside after Adam. IT'S THE GREATEST THING I'VE EVER SEEN!!!! I had to rewind it I was giddy with glee. Poor Diem can't catch a break and yet what the hell does she expect - it's CT. He ain't gonna change.

He's like a wild animal, honestly. The producers need tasers, pepper spray, and handcuffs if CT's ever on this show again. Maybe the best part is that they were fighting while Adam was dressed in footie pajamas. CT and Adam both get sent home.

Replacements: MJ (married with a 2-year-old girl) and Nehemiah (still sexy as hell).

The winners of the challenge (Robin and Evan) choose a person to protect from the Duel. Then that person chooses someone of the opposite sex, etc., etc., until the last man and woman are left. In this case, it's Shauvon and Ryan, who then have to choose someone to go up against. Ryan takes Nick (who was injured after the Fat Guy fell on him) and Shauvon takes Aneesa.

Nick loses because the Fattie broke his hand. Nick's a stone cold hottie, whoever he is. He will be missed.

The show ends before the Girls' Duel. But I think I saw Aneesa in the preview for the season. Shauvon looks like one of those female metal rockers of the 80s, like Lita Ford or someone. So we lose 2 players a week - this challenge is going to fly by.

On Kim's advice, I watched the Aftershow. Shauvon claims she didn't have sex with CT. So she probably means technically - like, there was no penetration. She looks like a fun slut - I wish I had watched her season. What was it? Hollywood?

The Aftershow is like Montel or Springer. They bring out Diem (when did SHE get those massive funbags?) and they cat fight over that idiot. Then they bring out CT and Adam. CT's excuse is that "my brother passed away on me." He was shot in a fight shortly before the Challenge. Why do these idiots insist on doing this show when they have real crap going on at home? Is the money that freaking important?

CT's still a dick to Diem. But really Diem needs to just abandon all hope of being friends with CT. Let the boy move on, please, it's only causing you heartbreak.

They do like a slow-mo play-by-play of the fight. That's lame. Let's just enjoy the fight for what it was. Move on. The girls fighting was actually more interesting.

Flashbacks: The Others live in cool tents and live like they're from medieval times or something. Charles Widmore is there and says that The Island has saved Little Ben's life. Little Ben looks like a Little Girl.

We see Slightly-Younger Ben take Danielle's daughter. He had been sent there with orders to kill Danielle, but once he saw she had a baby he just took the baby instead.

A few years later, Ben has usurped power and kicks Charles off of The Island for breaking the rules. Banished!

Now we're right before Ben went back to The Island. He calls Charles and is all, "I'm going back. So there. And by the way, I'm going to kill your daughter first." No! Not Penneh! Here I was, thinking Desmond and Penny actually had a happy ending. Stupid me. Ben shows up to the boat and is about to shoot Penny when Desmond beats the crap out of him. Go Des! So that's why Ben was all beaten up when he got on the flight.

Present Day: Locke wakes Ben up and Ben's all, oh hi there, you're alive. Ben says that he came back to The Island to be judged... by the Smoke Monster. Mmm-kay. Locke sets out to help Ben with his little judgment. Ben totally pwns that Caesar dude - shoots him in the chest at point-blank range so they can hijack a boat. "My friend and I are taking a boat." Hell yes you are!

Locke's all, "I know you really want to be judged for killing your daughter." The man has a point.

Ben and Locke meet up with Sun in Ben's old house in the abandoned Dharma village. Ben goes downstairs to his secret underground lair to unleash the Smoke Monster by draining a big puddle. No, really. Locke leads them to a temple in search of Old Smokey. Smokey shows his... um... face and then Ben's Dead Daughter Alex appears. She tells Ben to follow Locke's orders and not to kill him, or else she will hunt Ben down and destroy him. That's pretty big talk from a dead chick.

This episode was great because it had loads of good Ben and Locke bits. They're good separately; they're even better together. And I believed Ben when he said he was scared because he claims "dead is dead", even on The Island, and it's unprecedented for Locke to have been brought back to life. That mofo looked scared.

Next week we get a Miles episode where he uses his talk-to-dead-people power. Awesome!

07 April 2009

Freak of the Week: A building is scheduled to be demolished, and as it's being prepped the workers find a hidden underground passageway. Living in the squalor is a freaky pale hairless mute kid.

Meanwhile, one of Olivia's old cases is reopened, as a serial killer known as The Artist strikes again. He kidnaps a chick Jame Gumb-style, cuts her up, and puts her on display. The freaky mute kid writes down (upside down, natch) the name of the victim before she's even found. Because he's freaky.

Olivia talks to the kid over M&Ms (right, because that's a good first meal for a kid who has been trapped underground his whole life) and gets an address from him. It's a clue to the next victim, but they don't get there in time to save her.

Eventually the kid leads them to the killer, and Olivia has him sent off to live with a nice family. Wow, that an understanding foster family. On the way there, the car passes the Observer, who of course looks a lot like Freaky Kid.

I was incredibly honored a couple of months ago to get the opportunity to go work in the White House. I got to know the President and some of the staff during the campaign and had expressed interest in working there, so I'm going to be the associate director in the White House office of public liaison.

06 April 2009

Larry, Tony, and their SWAT pals are trapped by Starkwood commandos. Jon Voight shows up all, "I want you damned kids off my lawn! And also, watch me as I overact!"

Jack figures out that the Chairman of Starkwood was working along with the Senator to try to bring down his own company. Since Jack is now a desk jockey, he makes the call to him. The Chairman wants to cooperate, so Tony slips off into the shadows to meet with him. He leads Tony to the weapons, and pays for that with his life. Jon Voight bashes him in the head with a big crystal decanter and throws him over a railing. Nice!

Tony takes out two bad guys simultaneously. HAVE I MENTIONED LATELY HOW MUCH I LOVE TONY AND AM GLAD TO HAVE HIM BACK!!! He takes a Man Purse of Death and a Big Ass Gun. Tony gets a visual on the weapons, Jack confirms, and fighter jets are scrambled to Starkwood.

Jack has the shakes. And I think the President wants to make out with him. The doctor suggests some new stem cell treatment to cure whatever it is he has. He needs a donor. TIME TO BRING BACK KIM!

The reporter that the First Daughter used to bang gets all threatening with her, wanting to know what's up with the WMDs. She tells him everything and gives him a piece to keep him off her back. It's OK, Aaron is her Secret Service detail, and Aaron will expose her for the bitch she is. Just you wait. He already looked like he could smell the sex on her.

Jon Voight calls the President directly when he discovers the jets are on their way. And she takes his call. WE DO NOT NEGOTIATE WITH TERRORISTS! And we certainly don't take their phone calls. He flat-out blackmails her and tells her to turn the jets around or he'll blow up some cities. And she does it! Like, literally goes running into the room to call off the air strike. NO. NO. NO. NO. NO. WOMEN SHOULD NOT BE PRESIDENT!! Weak. And she knows it.

Bennet doesn't believe that it's Sylar's dead body, because Bennet is hella smart. He pulls the spike out of the back of his head, and when Sylar doesn't come back to life, his suspicions are confirmed. He pieces together that Sylar's a shapeshifter now. There's a nice little scene where he thinks Sandra is really Sylar and holds a gun to her head and throws her around a bit. That's one way to ruin a marriage. All part of Sylar's plan, because Sylar is an evil serial killer who also likes to cause marital discord. He's a bastard.

I really loved Bennet in this episode. He hilariously pretends to be Sylar-pretending-to-be-him in order to trick Agent Vampire and expose their partnership. Badass. But then he really loses his S, all confused about who is real and who is Sylar. Poor Bennet!

Two Men and a Baby hitchhike across the country to reunite the Matt Parkmans. They are quite hilariously picked up by a Japanese truck driver -- a Japanese dude with a hick Southern accent. Yeah, I laughed at that.

Matt is out for revenge against Agent Vampire for Daphne's death. But the pussy can't pull the trigger on Agent Vampire's Russian-escort-girlfriend. He tries twice. Can't do it. PUSSY!

Hiro shows up just in the nick of time to freeze time and stop Agent Vampire from killing Matt. But how did he know to go to Vampire's apartment? That's really random. And terribly convenient.

And everyone's headed to Coyote Sands, for some reason. Wherever that is. Well, it's a place in the middle of nowhere. With a bunch of buried skeletons. Let the fun begin!

05 April 2009

Echo and her pals wake up in their pods prematurely. They get out and think they're either lab rats or in something out of a Saw movie. Eventually they are let out of their room and they see other Actives in their Inactive state. They decide to try to blend in to figure out what's happening.

Blending in doesn't quite work, but it's OK because it was the House experimenting on them. They want to see what would happen if the actives "woke up". Well, what happens is they remember a mix of real-life and engagement memories. Sierra remembers being raped by a client. Victor and Sierra are still attracted to each other. November (Mellie) remembers having a daughter and knows where she is... a cemetery.

At some point, those rogue Actives all fall asleep and are collected by Handlers and Agents. They were programmed to fall asleep when they got closure on their bad past events or desires. The doctor's theory was that this would help with the glitches they've been experiencing.

This was the first show that didn't have your typical mission-goes-wrong story. And I kind of missed the formula actually.

OK, so that's pretty close to the movie. It's so supercharged with homo-sexual-tension it's ridiculous. This. Movie. Was. Awesome.

Do you like cars? Do you like car chases? Do you like only the most massive of car wrecks? Do you like guys who can't act for crap but look good in tight shirts? Do you like random skanks who make out with each other?

Well, I like most of those things and that makes Fast & Furious The Greatest Movie I've Seen This Weekend. Simply put, it was awesome. The car wrecks were sick. SICK! If you watch this movie and don't say "Oh snap!" at least 6 times, you don't have a pulse. If you see Vin Diesel in a tank top and don't say "Whoa, he's massive," you're not breathing. For real, the dude is freaking huge. And then of course you had better cheer when the bad guy gets pwned. Set aside acting and plot and just enjoy the cars and the races through tunnels to Mexico! This movie rocked!!

04 April 2009

Dead Charlie had a picture of Creepy Ginger Girl on his cell phone. Ew. Why? Or maybe it was one of the dead bad guys' phones. That would make more sense actually. I should really pay more attention. John finds it and recognizes her as a patient of his old shrink. So the Gang heads out to find her.

John Henry IMs and calls Savannah and I find that adorable. Even though he's a killing machine and she's a little kid. But they're friends, dammit! They're on the phone when Savannah's nanny is shot and a Terminator comes after her. He monitors the cameras in her house and helps her get away. OMG, he's the sweetest Terminator ever!! The Connor Gang arrives in time to get Savannah away.

BUT THE TERMINATOR SHOOTS DAVID SILVER IN THE FOREHEAD AND KILLS HIM -- OMG I WANT THIS TERMINATOR DEAD! When it happened it just happened in the middle of a scene, out of nowhere, and I just screamed, "NUH-UH!" I could hardly believe my eyes. Well, ain't life a bitch. R.I.P. David Silver. I'm bitter. I'd be more bitter if the show weren't likely to be canceled. Cancel it now for all I care. Without David Silver, I don't want to go on! (But good thing John Henry's still here.)

Savannah's mother, being the liquid-metal cold-hearted Terminator that she is, doesn't seem to be too upset over her daughter's disappearance. Savannah tells John about John Henry, the man that lives in her mom's company's basement. Once she mentions that John Henry has a cord in the back of his neck, John has the greatest "oh eff" reaction.

Agent Ellison sees the Connors on the security footage and meets with them. Sarah tries to explain what went down and then asks to see Shirley Manson Terminator. Cold Bitch Faceoff ahead!

Only they don't get the chance because Ellison double-crosses her (he swears he didn't know) and the cops arrest Sarah. They also give her the beat down, though to be fair, she went charging in beating up some cops, in typical kickass Sarah Connor fashion.

03 April 2009

Looks like I can direct my corporate rage at Jet Blue now. Or really I'll just direct my general rage at Mother Nature. What's the problem - pilots can't see through a little fog now? Flight: canceled. Where's Sully? He would have been able to pilot through this mess.

Ah well, that's what I get for thinking I deserved a vacation. Looks like it's movies, tears, sadness, and Flight of the Conchords marathons for me this weekend.

I just realized that ABC, the network that brought us the beauty of the Life on Mars finale that I'm STILL mortified by, is the same network that decided NOT to air the final 3 episodes of Pushing Daisies, one of the best shows of the last few years. They're going to be released on DVD July 21. Really? You couldn't find any room in your schedule for those final 3 episodes? I can think of a Wednesday-at-10 slot that's available. Or just put them on a Saturday, I don't care.

I can't wait for Lost to end so I never have to tune in to ABC ever again. I hate you, ABC, and I'm sending Emerson Cod after you.

02 April 2009

OK, so I love the original, British Life on Mars. It's amazing. A-may-zing. If you haven't seen it, watch it. I tried the American version for I think all of one episode before I realized that America totally screwed it up. Of course.

The show got canceled (aw, what a shame) and last night was the series finale. Mike still watches the show because if Mike has 2 qualities they are: blind loyalty and lack of taste. So I say to him, "I want to see how it ends." He says, "No, you don't." But I figured, "I don't expect it to be good, I just want to see how America screwed this one up." So he fast-forwarded to the end - in order to save me time. And thank god he did. Because watching about the final 6 minutes was all I needed to see.

I want to hunt down everyone associated with the American version of Life on Mars and kill them. Not just kill them - I want to sit on their throats and slowly suffocate them.

Spoiler alert. And if you care about spoilers for the U.S. Life on Mars, die. Please note: this is nowhere close to the ending of the original show. Which was epic and a thing of beauty.

The whole thing was a dream - the "cops" on the show aren't in 1973, they're in 2035 -- and on board a flight to Mars. You think this is a massive April Fool's Joke, right? If it were it would be great. It's not. It's a fact.

Get it? Life on MARS!? OH MY GOD I AM LIVID!!! I HATE AMERICA AND ITS LITERAL BOLLOCKS!!!!

So the crew of this shuttle is on the way to Mars, and while they were in cryo-sleep or whatever nonsense, Sam was dreaming up this life in 1973. Oh and you'll never guess who the president is: President Obama. But it's a she - one of his daughters. Oh how funny. hahaha I'm not laughing.

Just when I think things couldn't get any worse, they sully the good name of one of the greatest characters ever created for television -- Gene Hunt (the British version). The crew are talking about the work they're going to be doing on Mars and Ray actually says... wait for it..."This will be one successful gene hunt." I STARTED RETCHING!!!!

I paced back and forth in my living room while watching this. I doubled over in pain and disbelief. I cried the tearless cry of the insane. This is truly the biggest abomination I have ever seen on television.

Thanks so much, ABC, for dumbing down one of the greatest shows ever. I. HATE. YOU.

I kind of liked this episode. I mean, for this season it wasn't so bad, which isn't saying much. But still, you had the typical final episode where everyone loves each other, then hates each other, then cries when they have to say good-bye. And we finally got some semblance of violent emotion.

Devyn, Baya, and Scott are going to keep living together. They need each other to continue the massive circle jerk.

Most of the roommates go out for a final meal of alcohol... and a bar fight ensues between Ryan and drunken douchebags. It's a pretty nice one. Chet, in typical Chet Poser fashion, thinks he's tough now. Even though I didn't really see him do anything. Tough by association I guess.

Remember all the awesome, crazy pranks the guys have pulled over the last few months? No? Me neither. But they pulled a bunch of lame-ass pranks, and now the girls decide to get final revenge. This revenge includes mixing dog treats into Ryan's cereal, pouring soap into the milk and onto Scott's chicken, and pouring milk into their packed boxes. Wow, these pranks are things you need to get the Health Board involved in. Someone's gonna catch salmonella - that really is final revenge! Damn those girls for ruining the last bowl of cereal Chet and Ryan were going to have before Ryan went to Iraq!! (Yes, Chet actually brought Iraq into this.)

Ryan thinks JD's the one who did it so the guys ask for the girls' help in getting back at JD. But JD did nothing wrong!!! Wow, the girls are freaking bitches for letting JD take the fall. Really. I found this to be horrific. These are the dumbest pranks ever - take credit, bitches!! But the boys eventually believe JD and then bitch out the girls about how they have no integrity. And a lame-ass prank is nothing if you don't have integrity. Prank: FAIL.

Too bad we got the only decent arguments/explosions off something lame like pranks. And too bad we got a final serenade from Ryan. Yuck. (Of course, it's the tampon song.) Get off of my TV screen, please.

More than anything, I'm so pissed this entire season went by without JD making out with Scott. He loves him, you can tell. And I think Scott would go for it. Totally. I can only hope that JD makes it onto a Challenge (he seems like the type of personality they pick for those) and makes out with The Other Gay Guy some day.

01 April 2009

Let's get the lame flashbacks out of the way. When they were on the helicopter, Sawyer told Kate all about his daughter in those 2.4 seconds he whispered to her. So Kate tracks down Sawyer's Baby Mama and gives her some cash. Over time, they become close friends (Sawyer's daughter refers to her as "Aunt Kate"). Kate tells Claire's mom the truth about Aaron and Claire. Kate leaves Aaron with her in order to go back to the Island -- to save Claire.

Back to the Good Stuff on the Island. Jin regains consciousness and sees Little Ben, not-dead-yet on the road. Damn. I was hoping Sayid killed him and everything would be all effed up. It's funny to see Kate and Sawyer kind of freak out over the fact that Sayid shot Little Ben.

Juliet needs a real surgeon to work on Ben, so here comes Jack to save the day. Except, he doesn't want to, mostly because he already saved Ben's life once. Kate doesn't like the new Jack. Join the club, honey. I don't like the new Jack, the old Jack, nor any possible future Jacks.

Kate is hell-bent on helping Ben (why? because he's a kid? lame), and Juliet tells her that The Others could help. Kate and Sawyer take Ben across the border to Richard, whose eyeliner must have the power to heal. He says he'll fix him, but Ben won't remember that any of this happened (convenient for time travel anomalies), and that "his innocence will be gone." So... Richard turns him into Evil Ben? Or has sex with him?

Miles and Hurley debate the two schools of thought regarding time travel. Hurley uses Back to the Future rules, natch. They really do nothing but further confuse the issue, and I suppose offer a wink to the audience like, "Yeah we know this is confusing, but go with it, we're making up our own rules." I find it more amusing than anything, it really doesn't bother me to be confused. I'm not going to put the Losttimelines on a whiteboard or anything.