The pReview Re-viewingRe-Watching of..

The Hangover I and II!

(warning: You may need to film yourself reading this, because I roofied this entry.)

by Jeff Finckwritten: 5/24/2013

The Summer of sequels is already heavily underway! In honor of The Hangover Part III coming out today (yesterday), I think I'm going to completely ignore it and just do a quick recap of what we've drunkenly gotten ourselves involved in with the first two parts of this very inebriated trilogy.

More like, some guys just can't be *manhandled* by Vegas..

In The Hangover, Doug (Justin Bartha).. Nice, normal Doug.. Is getting married the day after tomorrow. He responsibly decides to have his bachelor party (again, this is two days before the wedding) in Las Vegas with his two best friends: Phil (Bradley Cooper) and Stu (Ed Helms). After getting roped into including his soon-to-be brother-in-law Alan (Zach Galifianakis), shit spirals into total and complete blackout chaos. Kind of like an average get together with Charlie Sheen.

Probably not the first thing you want to see when you wake up.. Nor the last thing you want to see when you pass out.

So, after some drinks on the roof, everyone wakes up to find that an F5 party tornado has obliterated their hotel room. Phil, Stu, and Alan all look around and find that Doug is missing! It's cool, though, because instead of Doug, they now have a baby and a volatile, man-eating, deadly as fuck, actual tiger. Score! As it turns out, though, the tiger's kind of a dick and apparently babies need some form of responsible adult to take care of it. The trio ditch the tiger, snatch the baby and go searching for clues as to what in all of the merry fuck happened.. Then begin their search for their friend Doug.

Kind of like a really fucked up Three Men and a Baby.

They head downstairs to get their car from the valet, and instead of their totally sweet Benz, the valet brings them a Las Vegas Police cruiser. They assess the situation and figure leaving the hotel is probably a good idea after also discovering that some lunatic tossed a mattress out of a window last night. After some serious hung over (hanged? hunged?) brainstorming, they're led to a hospital where they find out that they were all probably date raped. After that, they're led to a chapel where they find out that Stu was probably date marriaged by a stripper (Heather Graham). After that, they get attacked outside of the chapel by some very aggressive Chinese gangsters looking for their boss.. But instead of sticking around and becoming human punching bags, they fuck off to the stripper's house. Upon further investigation, it turns out that the baby belongs to Jade (the stripper) and it was all an innocent misunderstanding. Jade totally innocently married a blind drunk man and innocently brought a baby to their totally innocent hotel party full of sin and tigers.

Also in this issue: *Can* you teach your baby to smoke?

The police track the squad car to Jade's.. And Phil, Stu and Alan all get arrested for being absolutely terrible at being on vacation. They make a deal to become human test subjects in an experiment I like to call: How To Teach Children How to Be Sociopaths. They're tasered by children, released, and given their Mercedes back.. Only to find a butt-assed naked Asian man with a crowbar waiting in their trunk. He pops out like an extremely violent nude jack-in-the-box, beats everyone's internal organs repeatedly with said crowbar, then tears ass down the street, disappearing like a-- still very naked-- ghost. Alan finally decides to break down and tell everyone that he was the one who drugged everyone, but he thought it was ecstasy.

To be fair, they've BOTH been helping frat guys look good since.. zzzzzzzzz...

They all decide to get back to the hotel and regroup. Upon arrival, Mike Tyson intimidates everyone's testicles by singing at them. Tyson reveals that it was *his* tiger the group desecrated and stole and he is going to get his vengeance.. In this life or the next. The group then hand delivers the Champ's tiger back to his mansion, all is forgiven, and then Mike Tyson shows the group surveillance footage to help pinpoint what time Doug became Missing Doug.

Justin Bartha, the poster child for missing adult men.

Leaving Tyson's mansion, the guys receive further internal bleeding by a big ass SUV that hits them going about 234,000 miles an hour. The naked Asian man from their trunk (now fully clothed) gets out and we find out that he's called Leslie Chow (Ken Jeong). He tells them that they stole $80,000 from him last night and if they ever want to see Doug again, they better cough that shit up all quick-like. In order to do that, Alan infiltrates the casino 21-style and counts cards like Rain Man until they snag their ransom money and escapes the casino's snooping, looky-loo security with all the skill of that guy who used Mentos to avoid having to pay child support.

The freshmaker!

At the drop, it is discovered that Chow didn't actually have their Doug.. He had Black Doug (Mike Epps)! Black Doug, as it turns out is the guy who sold the roofies to Alan in the first place. It seems that, even to a drug dealer, roofies and ecstasy look the same. (note: If you're wondering why we don't call Doug, White Doug, it's because the principal cast in this movie is all white, and that shit would be redundant.) Anywho, Chow makes off with the cash, tells everyone to go fuck themselves and now Phil, Stu, Alan, and Bl.. Uhmm.. Other Doug are all standing around with their thumbs up their asses when, Not White Doug makes an offhand comment about how roofies are ill-named because you usually wind up on the floor.. Or a stranger's bed.. Or, just sometimes..

Sometimes, you wake up to an offer you can't refuse.

In the end, they find an incredibly Nevada-sunburnt Doug on the roof of their original hotel, along with the original $80,000 dollars, and they somehow manage to get Doug back to his wedding! At the reception, the group finds a very graphic account of the blacked out, wild night via pictures on a cell phone. It all seems a happy ending and everyone is happy and moving on with their happy lives until..

What's the capital of Thailand? BANG COCK! ..that doesn't really work without actually hitting someone in the dick.

In The Hangover Part II.. It's two years later and everyone goes to Thailand for Stu's new wedding to not-a-stripper, Lauren (Jamie Chung). The four friends (Phil, Stu, Alan, and Doug) plus Lauren's little brother, Teddy (Mason Lee), all gather on the beach for some pre-wedding drinks and drugged as fuck marshmallows. Aaaaaaaaaand.. Then the group does Hangover Part I all over again, except they're in Thailand. And instead of pulling his tooth out, Stu gets a face tattoo. And instead of a tiger, they have a monkey. And instead of a baby, they have a wheelchair-bound Buddhist monk. And instead of losing Doug, they lose Ang Lee's son. And instead of marrying a stripper, Stu gets violated by a transgender prostitute. And instead of finding their missing comrade back at the start on the hotel roof, they find their missing comrade back at the start in the motel elevator. And instead of being plagued by Chow, Paul Giamatti antagonizes everyone like that Fantastic Four villain that.. Uhmm.. You know.. Like, antagonizes everyone.

But then they escape his clutches and have another happy ending until The Hangover Part III.

Hope you all enjoyed this edition of The pReview Re-Viewing Re-Watching.. Now go out and watch The Hangover Part III, dammit!

If you like what you see on this site, or any particular entry, by ALL means: LIKE and SHARE! Tell everyone you know! Thank you and see you next time!

The pReview Re-viewing of..

Fast & Furious 6!

CLICK BELOW TO VIEW THE TRAILER!(I highly recommend clicking the word bubble at the bottom to turn off notations)

(it is also highly recommended to watch the trailer and THEN read)

(warning: I live my life a quarter Fast and the Furious quote at a time. Also, fast cars and furious cursing.)

by Jeff Finckwritten: 5/20/2013

Release Date: May 24, 2013

Just in case you are reading this and are completely unfamiliar with the story up to date: Once upon a time, there was street racing.. And then, all of a sudden, everyone was really, really good at pulling Ocean's Eleven level heists. It's a natural progression for your common street racer. To get a full and 100% complete rundown of how they went from The Fast and the Furious to Fast Five, click this incredibly jolly Paul Walker!

I'm Walker on sunshine! Whoa-Oh! Don't it feel good?!

After being run out of Brazil by Johnny Law (aka Luke "the Rock" Hobbs aka Dwayne "the Rock" Johnson aka The Rock "the Rock" Rock), Dominic "Dom" Toretto (Vin Diesel) is living the good life in Palmtree Nakedladyland. Then, out of the blue (and totally not keeping with the whole naked lady/palm tree motif of Dom's newfound home), Hobbs shows back up wearing the tightest t-shirt known to man and tries to rope Dom back into the world of.. Whatever the fuck it is they call mixing street racing and heists. Apparently, it was really easy for Hobbs to find Dom.. But, as it turns out, Toretto wasn't even hiding. Which is good. Because, if Toretto was hiding, it would probably look like this:

Motherfucker's a ghost!

It may take some serious convincing to get Dom on board, so Hobbs breaks it down for him: A team of very talented drivers (not unlike Dom's previous crack team of very talented drivers) have been pulling off road heists left and right through twelve countries (again, not unlike Dom's previous team, plus or minus nine countries), while Hobbs traipses along behind them like a Hulk'd out Inspector Clouseau. Still needing proper motivation, Hobbs shows Dom a picture of his dead girlfriend, Letty (Michelle Rodriguez).. Except she's alive again! Aaaaaand, apparently, still heisting-- and dancing-- it up, zombie style.

'Cos this is thriller! Thriller heist!

In the quickest montage sequence ever compiled by a movie trailer editor, anyone intimately familiar with this series knows exactly what the fuck just happened.. The Avengers have just assembled: Brian O'Conner (Paul "the Wall" Walker), Mia Toretto (Jordana "Punky" Brewster), Roman Pearce (Tyrese "Gibbles and Bits" Gibson), Han Seoul-Oh (Sung Kang "the Conqueror"), Gisele Yashar (Gal "the Gal" Gadot), and Tej Parker (Ludacris "Chris" Bridges). Now that the gang's all here, Hobbs needs to convince them to stay.. Because, apparently, a group of people who have been intrinsically tied to Dom for just over a decade needs more of a reason than, "To help Dom's ex-dead ex-girlfriend stop making poor life.. Erm.. After life choices."

Shaw keeps teaching her things like linking Twitter and Facebook. It's just not cool.

The leader of the bad guys is a disgraced Special Forces soldier called Owen Shaw (Luke Evans). Shaw has been doing bad guy things in Europe for quite some time now. He's always been considered small potatoes.. But now that he's mounted a big metal spatula onto a race car in order to scoop cops out of his getaways-- as well as recruiting and brainwashing one of Dom's own-- Owen Shaw is now big potatoes.

To be precise, he's the world's BIGGEST potato, hand grown by Peter Glazebrook of Nottinghamshire, England!

After the team secures a deal for full pardons if they stop Shaw (and get Letty back), they kick it into classic Fast and Furious mode and.. You know.. Like.. Try to stop Shaw. And get Letty back. The trouble is, this time they're not dealing with cops or drug dealers, like they're totally used to. This time, they're dealing with something completely new. But look: The target may have changed, but I guarantee, no matter how big the problem, they are still going to try to use street racing and anger to solve it.

When street racing angrily head-on into the Shaw's operation is just too much for him to bear, Shaw sics Letty on the team. He's all, "Oh my God! They're way too fast and furious for me to handle.. ::whine noise:: Oh, I know! Send someone equally fast and furious to handle these dicks!" And then Letty shows up with a gun and handles everyone's dick. With bullets. And despite the fact that many-a-guy wouldn't mind, do NOT let Letty handle your dick. She will shoot it.

Seriously, don't let her fool you. She will absolutely shoot you in your dick.

Despite nearly having his dick shot off (dicks are in the upper torso, right?) by his cold-hearted ex-girlfriend turned Shaw henchwoman, Dom maintains his blind faith that Letty still loves him and he can get her back. I assume that there will be some kind of montage of him driving by her house late at night, writing break-up poetry, and having it all end with him holding a stereo outside of her window.

"I gave her my heart.. She gave me a near fatal dick shooting."

Shaw doesn't handle failure, betrayal, or losing his girl-that-he-stole-fair-and-square very well because Shaw is white. And everyone knows that white people are sore losers. So Shaw sends in a tank to ignite a vehicular war would make Dick Cheney have another heart attack because of all of the blood rushing to his tank-boner. The final Bad Meets Evil montage of action gives us all an adrenaline-flavored taste of cars, car fights, women, women fights, flying Dwayne "the Rock" Johnsons, explosions, and cynical Tyrese Gibsons. Then, in the climactic finale, the whole team humbles the very deceased testicles off of Howard Hughes by bringing down a massive plane, roughly the size of the Cloverfield monster's dick.

Or, more specifically, they humble Hughes' very deceased peehole.

When all is said and done, this movie makes me smile. Hell, even mentioning this series around people, whether they've seen them or not, makes people smile. Sure, it's mindless action.. Sure, the plots are usually as convoluted as trying to explain circular logic to someone who has short term memory loss.. And is this movie going to win any Academy Awards? No. But hey.. Are these flicks entertaining? Fuck yeah, they are! That's all that really matters. All I know is, on May 24th, I'm going on a white knuckle thrill ride full of attractive actors, fast cars, and good times so hard that my spine is going to explode through my back, grow a pair of nitrous testicles and ride all over town like fucking veiny boss. The rest of my body will probably need to be retrieved by a Hazmat team, though, because my blood is full of radioactive toxins. Unrelated to the movie. I can't wait!

..but I really wasn't planning on having my entire toe nail removed from my big toe and being on narcotics grade prescription pain killers right now. Check back in the next 12 to 24 hours for..Fast & Furious 6!

The pReview Re-viewingRe-Watching of..

The quickest and most irate films in the history of movies about heists and street racing.

(warning: This reeks with spoilers from Fast One through Five! Other smells may include gasoline and cursing!)

by Jeff Finckwritten: 5/15/2013

Booyah! I can guarantee that no one on Earth is more excited for Fast & Furious 6 than I am! When last we left off in this tale of rapid aggression, all hell had broken loose and.. Wait, wait. Actually, we should probably start at the beginning. The year was 1769, and Nicolas-Joseph Cugnot had just built the first incarnation of the modern automobile. Cugnot had, in fact, cranked out a steam-powered tricycle. It is not known whether or not he raced the fuck out of it..

But he totally did.

The Fast and the Furious

And just like that, everyone who tries to porn-ize movie titles came up with the same joke.

Sorry, I may have gone back too far. Let's just stick with the movies, I guess. In The Fast and The Furious (note the double dose of the word "The"), Paul Walker plays Keanu Reeves, who is under orders from Buffalo Bill and, perpetual authority figure, Thom Barry to infiltrate a tight-knit gang of suspected electronics thieves and find out their level of guilt using street racing.. Somehow. It turns out that the gang (full of Spice Girls-like diversity: Vin Diesel as Dominic Toretto, Michelle Rodriguez as Letty, Jordana Brewster as Mia, Matt Schulze as Vince, Johnny Strong as Leon, and Chad Lindberg as Jesse) actually *is* at Guilt Level Totally, but Keanu Reeves is already in too deep, falls in love with Dom's sister and allows Dom to escape. (Side note: Paul Walker actually plays Brian O'Conner.. NOT Keanu Reeves.)

Well, then who the fuck is THIS guy?!

2 Fast 2 Furious

Everyone's minds exploded when they have Ludacris rapping over Ludacris acting.

In the follow-up.. Disgraced officer Brian O'Conner (played again by Paul "Windtalker" Walker) must atone for his.. Uhmm.. Disgrace.. Of letting Vin Diesel go in the last movie by aiding in the arrest and downfall of suspected guy who let Vin Diesel escape in a different movie, Carter Verone. Being, literally, the only person who could perform such a feat (apparently), O'Conner demands to have his former best friend-turned-ex con, Roman Pearce (played by the forever hungry Tyrese Gibson), get in on the action. Together, with the help of Monica Fuentes (another agent in too deep played by Eva Mendes) they nab the bad guy, kick people in the teeth, and drive doubly fast and doubly furious on into the sunset!

The boat was called the Sunset, apparently.

The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift

Three fast! Three furious!

In the third installment, we drift away to mysterious Tokyo. Not much is known about Tokyo by the start of the film, but legend has it that it's populated solely by incredibly fast cars. Like, *really* fast cars. The series abandons O'Conner for a duo of knuckleheads called Sean and Han. Sean is played by Lucas Black (Sling Blade's best friend), and Han (full name: Han Seoul-Oh.. Seriously) is played by the always hungrier than Tyrese Gibson, Sung Kang. Sean ends up in Tokyo because he ruins Brad "The Toolman Taylor's Son" Taylor's day and face-- and girlfriend-- with illegal street racing and is threatened with jail time if he doesn't go and live with his dad who is in the Navy and lives in Japan and who lives in a tiny house and it sucks and so Sean gets involved with illegal street racing again to not be bored out of his American balls but soon finds himself in over his head with the Yakuza because of an attractive girl. :deep breath: So! Sean hooks up with Han (and a not-so-Lil Bow Wow) to learn how to drift race so that he can steal hottie, Neela (Nathalie Kelley), away from the Drift King.. Affectionately known to those who fear him, as DK. And then he does.

Although, I think we all know who the original DK is.

Fast & Furious

New model, original parts.. Except for the guy who died and the three guys who were completely forgotten about,

In The Fast and the Furious part Eye Vee, we learn that we can't be bothered with the whole number scheme or extraneous words.. So we just call it Fast & Furious. We also learn that since the events of 2 Fast, Brian O'Conner (Paul "Walkin' on Sunshine" Walker) has joined the FBI and is in hot pursuit of some asshole drug kingpin called Braga (John Ortiz). Braga organizes drivers to make drug runs from Mexico into the U.S. and then murders the drivers.. Because, remember, he's an asshole. One of these murdered drivers, as it turns out, is Letty (Michelle Rodriguez)! (For the uninitiated, Letty was Dom's GFF and gang member from the first movie.) A dual investigation begins with Brian on one side of the law and Dom (Vincent Edward Diesel the 3rd) on the other. The two eventually must work together to bring Braga to justice. Literally everything in this is explosive...ly toned down compared to the previous installments. Like an episode of CSI, except about 147% less good one-liners.

See? Not the best.

Fast Five

Still convinced that the only reason the Rock grew a goatee was so we could tell him and Vin Diesel apart during fights.

After undergoing several anger management meetings and becoming obsessed with numbering things, Fast Five brings us to our thrilling.. Uhmm.. Continuation. Everyone is back together again! For the first time! And in some cases, for the second time! At the end of Fast & Furious, Dom was on his way to jail, while Brian and Mia raced along to an inevitable prison bus-break. Now on the run, everyone makes for Brazil and drinks and bathes near nude women until a new douchebag trying to fuck everyone's lives up, Hernan Reyes (Joaquim "Bucho" de Almeaida) shows up and tries to have the gang mythbusted for killing DEA agents. This, of course, causes the king of the Diplomatic Security Service, Luke Hobbs (Dwayne "Les Roq" Johnson), to pursue. Not having any of that framing bullshit, Dom (Vin "Deezy" Diesel), Brian (Paul "Walk it Out" Walker), Mia (Jordana Brewster), Roman (Tyrese Gibson), Tej (Ludacris), Vince (Matt Schulze), Han Solo (Sung Kang), and Gisele (Gal Gadot) all team up to drive a massive-fuck bank vault all around bejesus and back. And that's about it, actually. In the end, the they heist the money, kill the bad guy, and then Hobbs takes a page out of Brian O'Conner's handbook and lets the team escape. But then shit gets real when, as it turns out, Letty comes back from the dead!

Anyone else go from Midnight to Six at this part?

Now that we're all caught up, tune in on Monday when I reveal the exciting conclusion (slash) not conclusion at all, by posting my full re-viewing of Fast & Furious 6's trailer! YEAH!

The pReview Re-viewing of..

Star Trek (no colon) Into Darkness!

CHECK OUT THE TRAILER BELOW!(it is highly recommended to view the trailer and THEN read)

(warning: All wild speculation has been violently abandoned and quietly killed on the planet Delta Vega. With cursing!)

by Jeff Finckwritten: Star Date 2013.3534

Release Date: 5/17/2013

Have you ever wondered if we, as humans, are alone in the universe? Ever wondered what it would be like to travel to distant worlds and interact with new species? Ever want to fuck an alien? I mean.. "Make love" to an alien. Yeah, that's what I meant. Well, ignoring what you actually said, I assume that we've all had that urge! Through the power of imagination, and an almost fifty year-long running series, we now know so much about what traveling through space could be.. We know what it will probably be like to visit far off galaxies.. We know the moral ambiguity that sometimes comes along with intergalactic relations.. We know that, if we're going to survive, we need to rise up as one people. We also know that almost every alien culture will most likely be humanoid.. And we absolutely know that if they're green, we'll probably want to bang it..

And if William Shatner taught me nothing else, these aliens will bang you right back!

So, I'm just going to assume that if you're reading this, you actually have a decent idea of what Star Trek is really all about (life, love, friendship, teamwork, morality, funny head prosthetics etc.). Actually, if you know what the words "star" and "trek" mean, and you don't have an idea of the basis of what this is about, then you're fired. Seriously. Get out. But in all fairness, I should probably recap, anyway. Everything you need to know about JJ Abrams' Star Trek is one easy click away.. Click Scotty and Keenser to read/look at my full Re-Watching of Star Trek (2009) and get all kinds of caught up!

Seriously, though.. If you know nothing about the first movie, just know that Simon Pegg rocked the Scottish balls off of Scotty. In a good way.

Now, where was I? Oh yeah! So here we are in part two.. Well, technically NOT part two.. But, like, the sequel to the first movie that is a stand alone feature that has nothing to do with the first movie, except for the fact that all of the same people are in it. Except that guy in the red shirt who died. From the first one. He's not in it. Oh, and the bad guy died in the first one, too. So he's not in this one, either. And neither is any of that guy's crew.. All dead. There are some new people in this one that weren't in the first one, though! Even though, the bad guy from this one was probably in the first one, considering his name is John, he hates Starfleet, and seems generally annoyed and flustered with Kirk..

This little kid from the first one totally fits all three descriptors like a 1960s miniskirt on a 23rd century spaceship!

We begin the trailer by hitting play, assuming that this is a normal 'play button' having world and not some whacky, Communist 'share' button world. (..fucking Facebook..) We also believe that our world is safe and absolutely no soothing British accented madman will make us think otherwise. HOLY FUCK! The first words spoken to us are in a soothing British accent by a complete madman, and completely contradict the fact that we all totally thought our world was safe! FUCK! As our minds and senses of security are Phaser-blasted through our skulls by "John Harrison" (Benedict Cumberbatch aka Sherlock "Motherfucking" Homes), London explodes and Robocop is forced to pick up the shattered remains.

I assume Robocop is forced to fill in for the authority figure after Madea threatened to "go upside" Starfleet's head.

The prime suspect is immediately ID'd as Wunnuvar Topajence. (I wonder if that's John Harrison's codename?) There's a chance I spelled it wrong, but then again, wen hav eye effer speeled anithing correktlee? Apparently, our villain's ears were ringing and he knew that people were talking shit behind his back.. Couple that with the fact that the people in charge have committed some serious slights in Harrison's eyes that he cannot forgive.. And he shows up in a murder-copter and murders everyone right to copter.. RIGHT in front of Captain James T. Kirk (Chris Pine)!

Uhhhhhhmmm.. That's Craig T. Nelson.

That's Kirk Cameron..

No, that's Robert Kirkman.

Dammit! That's J. Ralph Kirk, a deceased Member of Parliament in the Canadian House of Commons. What the crap?!

There he is!

In one of his *many* acts of hubris, Kirk volunteers himself and his entire ragtag crew of conveniently promoted-in-the-last-movie officers to chase this maniac down.. And.. Like.. I don't know.. Tell him to stop it. Or something. After being warned that Starfleet is not about vendettas.. Kirk disregards that all to hell, decides that Starfleet IS for vendettas, then vendettas his way through the galaxy.. Vendetta style!

Remember, remember stardate 1605.85833..

Bones (Karl Urban) tries to dissuade Kirk from going after Harrison.. But then Kirk uses good old-fashioned misdirection by changing clothes mid-sentence and commandeers the ship without anyone even realizing it!

I am a great magician! GOLD CLOTHES!

I assume, in some whacky escape plan, Kirk takes hold of a small craft and flexes his grasp of "That's what she said" on such a massive scale that he needs Spock (Zachary Quinto), Uhura (Zoe Saldana), and Sulu (John Cho). After narrowly escaping the enemy ship, Harrison goes full Dark Jedi on a bunch of people, (I can think of another superhuman feather-mulleted former bad guy who went all Dark Jedi on a certain Captain Kirk once..) only to be captured by the crew of the Enterprise. And then escape again, threatening to walk over everyone's cold corpses while punchifying Kirk's face until it falls off the not-bleeding-from-every-pore bandwagon and starts bleeding all over bejeezus and back again.

Pay attention, because this year.. Dr. Carol Marcus (Alice Eve) will seduce the William Ware Theiss velour underpants off of Kirk..

She will also seduce her own velour undergarments off, as well!

This year.. There will be zero respect for the Red Queen and her red ass forest!

Not pink! Not green! Not aquamarine!

This year, I'm pretty sure Star Fox!

Dammit, Slippy. Why are you so useless!?!

This year, like every year prior-- And probably every year to come-- the crew of the USS Enterprise is out-gunned, out-manned, out-jumped, out-Trek'd.. And according to Baddie McBadguy (yeah, I said it!), John Harrison, out-done in every way. Always the sore loser, Kirk says, "Fuck all that bullshit!" ..and then, seemingly out of spite, drops the Enterprise onto Alcatraz, just to prove that no one can wreck a space ship better than he can! Take that, you futuristic dick hole!

Smug bastard. The spite is strong with this one.

Despite all of the nay-saying with JJ Abrams rewriting everyone's beloved canon, and despite all of the bitching and moaning that it wasn't a "Star Trek" movie and it was too "effects driven" and "completely and fucking awesomely riddled with action".. I think a majority of the fans probably thought, "Holy fucking shit! Fuck! DAMN! OMG!!!! GOOD GRAVY GODS!!11!1!one!1!!!" Seriously, some people need to just calm the fuck down. On both sides! Time travel and alternate timelines have been around since 1967! Fuck's sake, there's NO way everyone forgot about Evil Spock and his evil goatee of evilness! So, we're one movie in and I'm already hooked as fuck on what comes next. Let's just hope that in the next sequel, we get a glimpse into real darkness..

The pReview Re-viewingRe-Watching of..

(warning: May contain foul language.. In English. None of this Klingon bullshit.)Clicking images SHOULD open their full-sized versions into your face!by Jeff Finckwritten: 5/6/2013

There may be those of you who do not remember the 1960s.. It was a time of peace and drugs and love and drugs and good music and great drugs and.. Actually, even if you were alive in the 1960s, there's a good chance you probably can't remember it. Well, the '60s were also a time for Star Trek. Now, after countless seasons (TOS:3, Animated Series:2, TNG:7, DS9:7, Voyager:7, Enterprise:4), spin-offs (five), movies (on May 17, there will be 12), books (easily 300+), comics (I don't know.. Like 7?), and video/table top/board games (somewhere in the upper numbers area), it's probably about time that I gave one of these bad boys some recognition. Here it is, yet another in the long and storied tradition of a fan's take on the voyages of the starship Enterprise and its continuing mission to seek out new life and new civilizations.. And fuck with it.

And sometimes.. Just ignore the word "with".

I'm not going to break the whole movie down, line by line, second by second.. That'd get boring. So, instead, I've constructed a, sort of, highlights reel for those of you who feel the urge to violently rebel against long paragraphs stitched together by words and seemingly layered with brick after brick of boring grammatical errors and run-on sentences and using the word "and" too many times in a single sentence. Let us begin:

Right out of the gate, Thor takes over as acting captain of the USS Kelvin, a ship so terrible in a space fight that it loses to a piddly-ass Romulan mining ship.

So what if that Romulan mining ship is about the size of six suns and doubles as a fucking Cthulhu monster..

Twenty-five or so troubling years later..

Deleted scene: "Oh come on! You said your name was A-whore-a!" ::pity rumshot::

It is revealed that a great and powerful Roman emperor has inexplicably traveled into the future, fucked up his ears, and is now planning on dropping a blackhole into the rubber planet: Vulcan.

Cthulhu will also attempt to mate with the planet.

Our heroes, Kirk, Sulu, and Stupid Fucking Redshirt attempt to severCthulhu's penis and prevent the destruction of an entire planet!

If Cthulhu's barbed penis is a rockin'.. Please run screaming in the other direction.

Will their plan succeed?

Either their plan failed, or Vulcan is doing a fantastic Renee Zellweger impression.

Alas: FAILURE!

Wah-wah..

With Vulcan snugly tucked away into time and space andthecrewoftheEnterprise'scaptainsnugly aboard the enemy ship as a prisoner, Kirk asks the first question thatcomes to his mind, "Tacos?" And then, eventually, gets around to..

After Scotty levels up by gaining about 16.4 million experience points,he teleports himself and Kirk across the galaxy and onto the Enterprise..

All Kirk knows how to do is bleed from the face and mutiny. He should really take up a hobby.

Spock, of course, politely accepts this time.

Alrighty, now that we've established everyone's place in the universe,it's time to get down to business.

The business of giving aliens the business.

After the kerfuffles and Lazy Susans and chicanery and tomfoolery and Rachmaninovs alldie down..Kirk and Spock introduce Nero (the bad guy) to a fun game that they picked upon The Big Bang Theory.. That they totally watch.. Like, all the time..

Actually, blackhole trumps pretty much everything.

Because.. You know.. There's a sequel.. So, it's not really the end. Hence the question mark.

And that's Star Trek! JJ Abrams brought it to life, and I squashed its soul into a comic book-ish 2D format! Ah, the second D: The best of all Ds! Come back later this week and I should have a full Re-Viewing of the trailer for the newest installment, Star Trek Into Darkness!

The pReview Re-viewingFriday Breakdown for

May 2013!

(warning: May contain curse words. Do you see what I did there? By the way.. This definitely contains curse words.)

by Jeff Finckwritten 4/30/2013

Ah, the merry month of May. When all of the flowers bloom because of the showers April had due to all of the snow continuously cycle-melting.. And then the flowers all die again because it's still fucking snowing. What in the motherfuck, Mother Nature?! But I digress. Let's see.. What else is May known for? Oh yeah! The movie industry's warpath begins anew each year in May in an attempt to pocket-rape everyone of their hard-earned pizza and beer money. Or, in my case, Jack in the Box and food coma savings.

Sometimes I combine the two!

On May 3rd, all your base are belong to Marvel. And Disney. Iron Man 3 will put to bed all of the rumors that the third movie in whatever trilogy, will ruin said trilogy. (Click here for my full trailer re-viewing of Iron Man 3!) It will surely surpass the likes of The Godfather Part III, Spider-Man 3, Jurassic Park III, Beverly Hills Cop III, The Matrix Revolutions, Friday After Next, Crocodile Dundee in Los Angeles, Tales of the Apple Dumpling Gang, and Zoop: Zoo Rangers in South America..

Iron Man 3: Probably better than Zoo Rangers in South America.

On May 10th, hold onto your frail panties because Eli Roth and friends are going to try to scare them off of you while Leonardo DiCaprio and Tyler Perry are going to forcefully put them back on.. And then try to smoothly remove them again.. With their teeth.. Simultaneously. Let's start with the panty scare: Eli Roth, Nicolás López, and Guillermo Amoedo saw the 2010 massive 8.8 Chilean earthquake and thought to themselves, "Yeah, I could make that worse." And then, apparently, they wrote the movie Aftershock. Probably seeing the same tragic event, Tyler Perry decided to run screaming in the other direction, abandon anything to do with said tragedy and just make a movie called Peeples, about a family reunion in the Hamptons that seems to share the premise of Guess Who's Coming to Dinner..

With 74% less racial tension.

Also, May 10th will be the wide release of The Great Gatsby! In 3D! Because.. You know.. Fuck it. Directed by Baz "Wear Your Fucking Sunscreen" Luhrmann and starring Leonrdo DiCaprio, Tobey Maguire, and Carey Mulligan.. AND with a powerhouse soundtrack by Jay-Z.. this is sure to be the feel-good experience of the summer! We've all read the book, right? I mean, we all remember the fantastical story about love and loss, solitude and anger, existentialism and space mercenaries! (After clicking link, please put on 3D glasses. Side effects of reading with 3D glasses may include: Headaches, nausea, dizziness, and the inability to read text.) I can't fucking wait!

Just when you thought Jay Gatsby couldn't get more complex.. (short story by Erica Zimmerman)

On May 17th, geek-gasms may just flood the entire Alpha Quadrant. Also, I'm sorry for making you imagine that much semen. And if you hadn't imagined that much semen until I apologized for making you imagine that much semen.. Again.. I apologize, and you have my sincerest condolences on your innocence. In any case, Star Trek Into Darkness comes out! I plan on doing a full trailer re-viewing of that just as soon as *I* get that image of a galactic set of elevator doors opening, Shining style, and flooding the known universe with tons and tons of seme..

If you had planned on taking it easy after Star Trek comes out.. Fucking guess again! On May 24th, Fast Six and The Hangover 3 both unzip their flies and drop massive amounts of watch-ability into your waiting eyes. (Why are there so many genital metaphors this week?!) Also, a little animated flick called Epic comes out. I say "little" because the whole movie is like a teenier tinier Fern Gully.. However, the voice cast is loaded with people: Christoph Waltz, Amanda Seyfried, Josh Hutcherson, Colin Farrell, Beyonce, Aziz Ansari, Jason Sudeikis, Steven Tyler, Chris O'Dowd, and Pitbull.. Who you may remember as Mr. 305, but became Mr. Worldwide after he graduated geography school.

He's so fucking happy to not have to go to geography school anymore! Which is totally a thing!

Oh, and please don't worry about me not going too in depth with Hangover 3 and Fast and Furious 6.. I'm planning on fully re-viewing their trailers so hard in the next couple of weeks, I'm going to bleed from my eyes with excitement!

Lastly, on May 31st, Will and Jaden Smith star in After Earth. I want to stop there, but I have sooooo much to say! First of all, Will Smith and Jaden Smith are real-life father and son. Guess what? They play (streeeeetch) father and son in the movie! And guess who's producing this.. I'll just assume you rattled off all the character names from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.. YOU'RE WRONG! The correct answer is Jada Pinkett Smith and her younger brother Caleeb Pinkett. So, right away, we have a whole family affair thing happening on set.

Like this.. Only with a different plot and a different cast!

Okay, let's start getting into the guts of this flick: The next best thing about a movie called After Earth? The obvious would be that the thick of the plot centers around two stranded people, fighting the harsh elements and wild fauna, all while the viewer is treated to massive visuals and beautiful scenery as we get a "firsthand" account of what happens.. dun dun dun.. after Earth! The not-so-obvious? The main characters' names are Cypher and Kitai Raige. Again, THE MAIN CHARACTERS ARE NAMED RAIGE!!! How boss is that? If you answered: "About as boss as giving yourself a nickname in High School." You were correct!

Look out for spin off video games!

But then, it gets even crazier.. This guy is directing it:

What a twist! Collective groans, be damned!

If Mystery Night Shyamalan (I assume that the M. stands for Mystery) just isn't moistening your adult underoos, look no further than Louis Leterrier's (Transporter, Transporter 2, Unleashed, The Incredible Hulk) latest flick: Now You See Me. Now You See Me is the harrowing tale of Jesse Eisenberg and Woody Harrelson finally landing jobs as magicians in the zombie wasteland following the events of Zombieland. And.. I'm being told that I'm grossly misinformed and have no idea what I'm talking about. Even though, two hours of this would be hilarious!

Little known fact: Zombies go apeshit if you claim you have their nose!

Now You See Me is actually about a small group of magicians called The Four Horsemen (Jesse Eisenberg, Woody Harrelson, Isla Fisher, and Dave "Baby Francs" Franco). From Las Vegas, the group performs a magic show, in which they rob a bank on another continent and then dispense all of the money into the crowd by, I believe the technical term is, "making it rain." Of course, this doesn't sit well with the FBI or Michael Caine, so they hire Morgan Freeman to battle the crew in a game of magic.

Did Morgan Freeman really just beat me with nothing but Chimney Imps?!

The Purge also comes out on the 31st. The Purge stars Ethan Hawke and Lena Headey as a cautious suburban couple with their 2.5 kids and big house and they think they're better than me! I mean.. Ahem.. Uhmm.. The Purge takes place in a fictional, future United States in which crime has been completely eradicated.. Except for a twelve hour period, once a year, when all crime is legal. So, like, I guess it's not really called crime in that 12 hour period. It's kind of like anything goes.. I suppose, in layman's terms, once a year, the government basically turns the U.S. into an extremely deadly Seven Minutes in Heaven.

Still more action than I've ever gotten playing this game.

Tune in at the beginning of next month to see what I gots to say about every single movie coming out in June! And make sure to keep checking back every Tuesday for a full re-viewing of whatever movie I feel like ranting and raving about! This coming Monday: Star Trek Into Darkness!

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