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Thursday, April 2, 2009

Call Me Keira

Because I can actually see my clavicles! It's been a long time since I've seen them and they are a most welcome sight.

Last night I had a look at the DVR menu and noticed that the thing is getting pretty full and it made me realize just how much time I used to spend watching TV and how I'm making such better use of my time now. I do have a bunch of Oprah shows to catch up on but I had to watch yesterdays last night before bed. It featured Valerie Bertinelli, Marie Osmond and most prominently, Star Jones, talking about their very public weight losses. I've never been a fan of Star Jones but much of what she said really resonated with me. She spoke about how after her gastric bypass surgery she didn't know who she was or who she was going to be. It drove home the message that weight loss is so much more than losing pounds, it is a real process.

When you're obese, losing weight is not just about eating less/moving more to peel off layers of excess unhealthy weight. So many other changes occur, thoughts, reactions, emotions, even personality. I've started to feel different this past week. I've been thinking and feeling things in a different way, it's hard to explain but it's like I'm learning who I am all over again. Who I am at this size. This may be TMI, but my libido is back with a vengeance and I feel like I'm falling in love with my husband all over again, it feels amazing but again "different."

I've always been a bit of an emotional wreck with a hair trigger crying response, but now I'm feeling emotional in a different way, like things are releasing gently rather than building up and bursting out. The calmness is another thing that is really new to me, but I know that this is from the exercise (and I reallyreallyreally like it.) I know that this process is going to keep on happening until I hit my goal weight and beyond. Once I get to a weight that I can maintain without hunger or having to work out like an Olympic hopeful, I'll have to learn who she is, what she wants out of life and how she wants to live it. Until then I'm going keep peeling back the layers and finding out what is underneath.

OMG I just noticed the same thing about my DVR! I have weeks of Survivor, Greys Anatomy, America's Next Top Model, and Private Practice to catch up on! I do keep current on Biggest Loser, but other than that all my old favorites in a holding pattern on the DVR!

I just don't have the time in my day to watch all these things anymore! In the last year I've made morning exercise a priority so I'm always falling asleep by like 9 or 9:30!

This post REALLY hit home for me. i feel like I'm losing the layers of my pain, pain that manifested itself in various ways, one of them being a fatty me. The fat hasn't gone away but the emotional pain has. And in the process of the pain going away, I have found that I am a new person. I don't really know this person yet! And at times, I feel fatigued just getting used to this new person. it's all good things but WOW, it really takes a "beating" on me bc I'm wiped out at the end of the day, despite my 8-10 hours of sleep a night.

Maybe once my emotional self is "thinner" (in that I let go of the old emotional pain) my physical self will follow suit and become thinner.... Until then, I'll keep moving and keep eating as healthy as I can.