Losing weight can be a mind game

Lisa met her goal of losing 100 pounds by her 40th birthday, but the struggle continues. Click through to read about losing the first 100 pounds or click on the links below to read about the new challenges.More >>

Lisa met her goal of losing 100 pounds by her 40th birthday, but the struggle continues. Click through to read about losing the first 100 pounds or click on the links below to read about the new challenges.More >>

I tried writing in this space about a month ago and got three paragraphs into it before I gave up. I just feel like I'm saying the same things over and over and not making any real changes that stick. But all I can do is try again and keep trying until I get out of this rut.More >>

10/20/10

I've reset my "Get Back on Track!" month to start today. In wanting to synch up with a calendar month, I probably didn't think things through as well as I should have in planning to be very strict with my diet when I had a bunch of special occasions coming up.More >>

I'm sorry I didn't write last week - things at work were crazy busy on Wednesday and I just didn't have a chance to spend even a few minutes writing my blog. It's interesting that I'm getting to the point in my weight loss (close to a major goal!) that has proved difficult before - and some of the people who know me best get concerned as soon as they don't see a story here, worrying that I'm having an especially rough time and don't want to talk about it.

Honestly, I am having a little bit of a tough time right now, but I promise I won't avoid talking about it. Because I figure that if many of you who are reading this are on your own weight loss journeys, you've surely hit tough times, too, and I know it helps me to know that other people have gone through what I am experiencing, so maybe this will help you.

As I mentioned last time I wrote, I'm starting to worry a little bit that I may not make my goal of losing 100 pounds by my 40th birthday. It was looking like a done deal for a while there, but I've been gaining and losing the same few pounds for more than a month now. I don't really consider it a plateau because, to me, a plateau is when you are totally sticking to your plan and not losing weight. I know I'm not sticking to my plan 100% right now.

The key is to figure out why.

I think there are a few reasons I might be sabotaging myself a bit at this point.

Identity

I've been overweight for as long as I can remember. And even though I view it as a negative thing and something I definitely want to change, it's been a part of me for so long that I'm not sure how to look at myself without it.

My friends have always teased me that I know everyone. Whether it was during college or walking into a bar in New York, they joke that everyone remembers me and knows who I am. In my head, I've always thought what seemed obvious to me: "well, of course everybody is going to remember the biggest person they know."

What happens when I'm not the biggest person anymore? Will I just become a nondescript person who fades into the crowd?

Purpose

I've been so focused on losing weight for so long that I'm not sure what I'll do when I get to my goal (and I'm not even talking about my 100 pound goal, but my still-as-yet-undetermined final goal!).

What will I focus on? What will I spend my time working toward? Right now, I feel like so much of my life is shaped and defined by my working toward my goal - what happens when I don't have that anymore? It's a lot less interesting and compelling to be trying to "stay right where I am" than to be trying to lose more than 100 pounds!

Success

I've always been a bit of a perfectionist. So not meeting a goal is failure. This has been a problem for me in the past - I've gotten very close to a goal and gotten so discouraged that I didn't meet it when I thought I should that I gain everything back.

I've been working very hard to change that perspective.

Instead of focusing on what is still between me and my goal, I'm trying to focus on what I've accomplished. Even if I don't lose another single pound, I've lost almost 95 pounds! And that's amazing!

I feel better. I'm healthier. I have more energy. I look better. I don't feel like I'm always the heaviest person in the room anymore. Those are all things that have already changed and whether I lose another 5 pounds or another 55 pounds or nothing at all, they won't go away.

Acceptance

As much as I always talk about this being a lifestyle change, I think deep down a part of me liked to think that there would be a point that I'd be "done." That I'd lose the weight and it would get easier.

But I'm realizing that this will never be easy for me. I will always be tracking my food and thinking about making good choices and resisting the bad ones.

Some people smoke, some drink -- I eat. Whether I'm anxious, scared, worried, stressed, bored, pissed, even happy. Food is there for me whenever I "need" it. And that's not going anywhere. So I'll always be working to control it. And that's a little discouraging and scary - but I'm working on dealing with it.

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