If the past couple years have been any indication, behind every great teen movie is a f**king fantastic book. From blockbuster successes like Harry Potter and The Hunger Games to indie gems such as The Spectacular Now, it's clear that Hollywood is hooked on phonics. The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones, which hits theaters August 21, is the next great YA franchise to make the transition from your local library to the big screen. And if the stunning cast — including Lily Collins, Game of Thrones' Lena Headey, Jonathan Rhys Meyers, Jamie Campbell Bower — is any indication, it's sure to be our next obsession.
But before you buy your ticket, dive into the book that started it all. And while you're at it, get the low down on these 15 books that have been adapted for the screen in the past two years (and are in the works for the year to come).
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In Baz Luhrmann's lavish adaptation of F. Scott Fitzgerald's classic novel The Great Gatsby, stars Leonardo DiCaprio and Carey Mulligan are transported from 2013 to 1922 in large part thanks to costume designer Catherine Martin's elegant creations. But Hollywood was hip to the appeal of 1920s flapper fashion long before Gatsby hit the big screen.
From Christina Aguilera to Evan Rachel Wood to Rihanna, these eight starlets would be right at home in Luhrmann's film. They fit in so well, in fact, we dropped them right into the story.
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Voice actress Lucille Bliss, best known for providing voices for such classic cartoons as The Smurfs, Crusader Rabbit, and The Jetsons, died of natural causes on November 8 at an assisted living center in Costa Mesa, the Los Angeles Times. She was 96 years old.
Bliss' career in Hollywood spanned 60 years and, according to the L.A. Times, she was last working as recently at last month. Bliss got her start in the business in 1950 by providing the voice for Cinderella's stepsister Anastasia in Disney's animated film. Later that same year she was cast as the voice as the title character in NBC's Crusader Rabbit, the first first animated series to ever be produced specifically for television.
Owner of TDA Animation David Scheve recently spoke of Bliss' talents to the L.A. Times. "Actors from her generation who came up in live radio, you'd do one or two takes with Lucille and she'd just nail it," he praises. "She could do three or four characters in one [scene] and you'd never know they were all her. She was terrific."
In the 1960s, Bliss provided the original voice of Elroy Jetson on The Jetsons. She lost her job, she told interviewers at the time, because she refused to work under a stage name that would hide the fact that a grown woman was providing the voice for a little boy. She said, "Life as a voice actress is tough. It's not an easy career."
Children of the '80s best know Bliss for her work as Smurfette on Smurfs. She voiced the bubbly blonde for the show's entire run, from 1981 to 1990. When the show went off the air, Bliss continued to find work, providing voices for video games (you can hear her on Star Wars: Bounty Hunter and Battlestar Galactica) as well as feature films such as 2005's Robots and television shows including Avatar: The Last Airbender.
Bliss took her job as a voice artist incredibly seriously and was a lifelong student of her craft. According to the L.A. Times, Bliss continued to take acting classes with aspiring artists late into her life and once told a writer, "I'm an actress specializing in voices. don't like the term 'voice-over.' … You have to be an actor first, and then the voice.... You have to take acting lessons to learn how to act before you can speak."
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If there's a cinematic alchemy award to be given this year director Bill Condon deserves to take it home after magically turning the tedious Twilight franchise into entertainment gold. 2011's Part 1 was a horror camp romp that turned the supernatural love triangle — the naval gazing trio of Bella Edward and Jacob — on its head. Breaking Dawn - Part 2 continues the madcap exploration of a world populated by vampires and werewolves mining even more comedy thrills and genuine character moments out of conceit than ever before. The film occasionally sidesteps back into Edward and Bella's meandering romance (an evident hurdle of author Stephenie Meyer's source material) but the duller moments are overshadowed by the movie's nimble pace and playful attitude. Breaking Dawn - Part 2 will elicit laughs aplenty — but thankfully they're all on purpose.
Part 2 picks up immediately following the events of the first film Bella (Kristen Stewart) having been turned into a vampire by Edward (Robert Pattinson) to save her life after the torturous delivery of her half-human half-vampire child Renesmee. She awakes to discover super senses heightened agility increased strength… and a thirst for blood. One dead cougar later Bella and the gang are able to focus on the real troubles ahead: Renesmee is rapidly growing (think Jack) and vampiric overlords The Volturi perceive her a threat to vampiric secrecy. Knowing the Volturi will travel to Forks WA to kill the young girl (a 10-year-old just a month after being born) The Cullens amass an army of bloodsucking friends to end the oppression once and for all.
Packed with an absurd amount of backstory and mythology-twisting plot points (some vampires can shoot lightning now?) Condon and series screenwriter Melissa Rosenberg mine revel in the beefed up ensemble of Breaking Dawn - Part 2 and thanks to a wildly funny cast it never feels like pointless deviation. Along with the usual suspects Lee Pace adds swagger to the series as a grungy alt-rock vampire Noel Fisher appears as a hilarious over-the-top battle-ready Russian coven member and Michael Sheen returns has Volturi head honcho Aro and steels the show. Flamboyant diabolical and a steady stream of maniacal laughter Sheen owns Condon's high camp vision for Twilight and he lights up the screen. There are a few throw away nations of vampires — the oddly stereotypical Egyptian and Amazonians sects are there mostly there to off-set the extreme whiteness — but the actors involved bring liveliness to a franchise known for being soulless. Even Stewart Pattinson and Taylor Lautner give personal bests in this installment — a scene between Bella and her dad Charlie (Billy Burke) is genuinely heartfelt while Jacob's overprotective hero schtick finally lands.
Whereas Breaking Dawn - Part 1 stuck mostly to the personal story relying on the intimate moments as Bella and Edward took the big plunge into marriage and sex Part 2 paints with broader strokes and Condon has a ball. Delving into the history of the vampires and the vampire world outside Forks is Pandora's Box for the director. One scene where we learn why kids scare the heck of the Volturi captures a scope of medieval epics — along with the bloodshed. Twilight might be known for its sexual moments but Breaking Dawn - Part 2 will go down for its abundance of decapitations. The big set piece in the finale is something to behold both in the craftsmanship of the spectacle and in its bizarre nature.
The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 2 had the audience hooting hollering and even gasping as it twisted and turned to the final moments. There's little doubt that even the biggest naysayer of the franchise would do the same. No irony here: the conclusion of Twilight is a blast.

"Sorry if my snoring bothered you."
Those are not the first words I'd expect out of the mouth of someone who got up on a Friday morning to catch the 10:30 AM screening of a new movie but that is more or less what the fellow who'd been sitting behind me said as I passed him on my way out. I'd heard him snoring over the constant rat-a-tat-tat of bullets and butt-kicking being doled out by Milla Jovovich et al in this latest iteration of the never-ending Resident Evil series (this time in IMAX 3D) but I figured maybe I was hearing things. Nope he was asleep.
I used to play Resident Evil on my ancient PlayStation when it first came out. It scared the crap out of me. I enjoyed the first two movies — hey they included the skinless zombie dogs! — but I lost interest soon after that. How many times can you make the zombie apocalypse exciting? How many different skintight outfits can Jovovich wear while killing grotesque creatures who shoot evil grasping tentacles out of their mouths? Why should we care about all the blood and guts when we know the people we're supposed to be emotionally invested in will never die? We don't.
Try as he might there are only so many ways for writer/director Paul W.S. Anderson to give the Resident Evil series fresh new layers for each new movie. The Umbrella Corporation is the big bad. They were playing with biological weapons and somehow there was an accident that let one of the viruses loose... and boom you've got a zombie apocalypse on your hands. Our heroine is Alice played by Milla Jovovich and there is a rotating cast of characters who help her fight the good fight against the hordes of brain-eaters and whatever is left of the Umbrella Corporation that's now after her. There are some parallels to the video game series but Paul W.S. Anderson (a gamer himself) has taken lots of liberties with the basic plot over the years. While Anderson's flashy style is especially suited to these types of movies there's not enough plot to make it work.
We don't go to video game movies for plot of course but there has to be something to hold onto; otherwise why would we care if our protagonist were in danger? Anderson tries some neat tricks to snap us back to attention like bringing back characters that were killed in previous movies and throwing in a cloning subplot that calls into question some of the characters' true identities but it's still hard to get worked up about anything onscreen. However it ultimately sidesteps any deeper ideas that might take our attention away from all the guns. And there are so many guns and explosions and elegant butt-kickings doled out by Milla and her pals (or former pals in the case of Michelle Rodriguez's character Rain) that they blend together.
It is especially difficult to work up any interest in the story because it's a franchise and no matter how many times the stars or director might say they're not that interested in doing another everyone is just waiting to see how much money this will make before deciding to go forward. There is no question how franchise movies will end; there will be no derring-do on the part of the writer or director to actually kill off a beloved character permanently. At one point it seemed like Anderson was going to pull the old "And then she woke up!" trick which would have been bold both because it's such a hackneyed idea that it would make writing professors' heads explode all over the world but also because it would have required Anderson to play in a different universe and expand his repertoire a bit. Alas like Alice and Anderson himself we just can't seem to escape this rabbit hole.

Chris Harrison's velvety voice in the promos for the season finale of Bachelor Pad promises the "most shocking, most disturbing" finale ever. Can it be true? Is it possible that a Bachelor finale will actually live up to the hype? Despite my better judgement, I'm excited for this one, kids. Like, it's my birthday and there is a box of cupcakes in front of me and I think I spy pin the tail on the donkey and a new iPad out of the corner of my eye, excited. See below for an example. Trust me, I wish I was exaggerating.
To kick off the show, Chris Harrison welcomes back all the contestants who got the boot. They file in one by one and I can't help but make a few observations. They are as follows:
1. I half hope that Blakeley and Tony have broken up, because her dress is showing off way too much skin for someone who could possibly be a step mom very soon.
2. Jamie looks like a sluttier Esmerelda. Which, when you think about it, is kind of a hard thing to do, because Esmerelda was kind of a floozy.
3. Where's Reid? Is Reid ever there? How did he get out of this?
4. Ha! SWAT! I forgot that SWAT existed.
5. Erica Rose got rid of her nasty rattail extensions and it was a seriously good call.
Now that we're all settled in, the show can get started. Oh wait, just kidding. Since this is a part of Bachelor Nation, we have to look backwards before we can move forward. We get a nice little montage of all the crying, sighing, backstabbing and *ahem* back rubs (that's code for sexytimes) from the past season. It takes approximately four hours to do so.
Now we can get started. Oh wait, kidding again. We are going to check in with all of the eliminated cast members. Well, not Ryan or SWAT or people we didn't realize were on the show, but the most crying-y cast members. We learn that Kalon and Lindzi, who has decided to let someone hold her by her hair and dip her completely in a jar of henna, are still dating, but Michael and Rachel are not (more on that later). Also still dating are Blakeley and Tony. Let's pause on Blakeley and Tony for a second.
If there is anything good that has ever come out of Bachelor Pad, Blakeley and Tony's relationship is standing right next to it. On the show their relationship seemed a bit forced, and Blakeley mostly looked at Tony like he was a slimy piece of day-old turkey that is still kind of edible but not all that appealing. "He's a domesticated man," she says, not without fondness. But now Blakeley's gaze is full of love. "He made everything okay," Blakeley tells Chris Harrison. "Sometimes I feel like it's too good to be true because I don't know what I did to deserve someone like that." Normally I would make fun of someone who says something this mushy, but Blakeley is just so sincere I want to coo instead.
Chris Harrison stops the aww-ing to get things back on track. "Don't you two have an announcement?" he prods. And they do. They are moving in together! In Portland! How 21st Century of them. But wait, that's not all! Tony starts to babble and Blakeley starts to look around frantically like she's positive someone is going to jump out and reveal that she's on candid camera. But she's not, and Tony is down on one knee and he has a Neil Lane diamond and holy smokes, they're engaged! Mazel!
Now that the happy is out of the way, we can get to the sads. Enter, the final four. Rachel and Nick, Chris and Sarah are finally let out of their holding pens and into the room, and they must face the reckoning of their peers.
First up, we hear the whole sad saga that is the fiery car crash of a relationship that was Michael and Rachel. The gist of it is that Michael led Rachel on. He thought they had a "summer camp" relationship, but she thought it was something more. After the show ended, Michael decided he didn't have strong enough feelings to pursue a "long distance and long term" relationship with Rachel. His breakup method apparently included a lot of cuddling in bed, which was (understandably) confusing for Rachel. To add insult to injury, Michael then struck up a long distance relationship with some hottie who lives in Chicago. So, that's a bummer.
This brings us to the part of the program where everyone skewers Chris for being such a dick. The skewering's not so fun though, because Chris seems to finally realize he's a dick — mostly because his parents gave him a hearty talking to. "They don't have anything good to say … My father said he didn't raise me that way," Chris says. He ends by saying, "Don't vote for me, vote for Sarah." Well, you're a team, Chris, so that's some faulty logic.
After some tough questions — mostly from Jaclyn, who still wants to know why Rachel screwed her over — it's time for voting. The rejected cast members get to choose which couple they want to win the money. I'm not going to prolong the agony here, almost everyone votes for Rachel and Nick, so Rachel and Nick it is. On to the final round!
For the final round, each member of the team is secluded in a soundproof box, where he or she must decide whether to "Keep" or "Share" the money. If both partners choose Share, they obviously split the prize money. If one of the partners chooses Keep and one chooses Share, the partner who chose Keep keeps it all. If both partners choose Keep, neither one gets any cash, and the prize money is split between all the rejected players. You follow? So off Rachel and Nick go to their boxes.
Deliberation is over, and I can't help but remember that Chris Harrison promised us a "disturbing" finale. Rachel reveals that she chose Share, and suddenly the disturbing plot twist becomes all too clear. Go ahead f**ker, reveal your choice. Be the biggest dick ever.
Nick chose Keep. That dick. Rachel is speechless and breathless but full of tears. "You're a f**king shmuck," she says. "I'm the shmuck with $250,000," he returns.
When Nick makes his big reveal, there are still 15 minutes left in the show. We spend these 15 minutes hating Nick. Honestly, I understand that it's a game, I understand that you want to be the winner. But are you really that selfish? Are you really that conceited? Nick seems completely obvious to the fact that the only reason he was in the finale in the first place is that Rachel made a lot of friends. He meanwhile, did nothing. And yet, he thinks he got to the finale himself. The sad truth, which the credit sequence reveals, is that Nick stuck around all season because he was essentially useless and no one saw any real need to eliminate him. Then he lucked into a partnership with the most popular woman in the Bachelor Pad mansion. Rachel is devastated, the former contestants are disillusioned, Nick is a dick, and I feel like I need a shower.
Sometimes I remember that these are real people. These are actual, semi-regular people with families, jobs, and bills who will leave this show and go back to their regular lives. Yes, Nick, it's a game. But it's not Shoots and Ladders. You ripped $125,000 away from a perfectly decent person. And for what? A third new car? A fancier vacation? It's not worth it. You're a dick.
Follow Abbey Stone on Twitter @abbeystone
[Photo Credit: ABC]
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Prince Harry is in the dog house following his naked romp through Las Vegas. Australian newspaper The Daily Telegraph reports that the ginger prince's private secretary, Jamie Lowther-Pinkerton, has demanded that Harry delete his personal Facebook account. The account, which was under the pseudonym Spike Wells, has been believed to be Harry's — due to posts and photos that correspond with Harry's activities, as well as the fact that Spike is apparently a nickname of Harry's (he is pictured below in a photo wearing a 'Spike' shirt) — for over a year. Lowther-Pinkerton is also launching a full inquiry into the prince's trip. Sounds like Spike, I mean Harry, is in t-r-o-u-b-l-e.
The royal family's decision to cut young Harry off from the Facebook proves that they abide by a "punishment must fit the crime" mentality in terms of retribution. Run naked through a major U.S. city and be stupid enough to let photographic evidence surface on the Internet? No more Internet for you! Sounds fair to us.
Just in case Harry does anything else a bit verboten, here is Hollywood.com's Guide for Grounding a Prince:
Crime: Wearing an offensive costume to a friend's fancy dress party.
Punishment: If Harry fails to learn from the past and commits this atrocity for a second time, we think Mum and Pop should take away his credit card. Clearly Harry doesn't know how to spend his allowance wisely, so we suggest nipping things in the bud. No credit card means no way to buy Nazi costumes on eBay.
Crime: Sneaking out of the palace.
Punishment: No chauffeur for you, Harry! You leave the castle after curfew, you lose your driver (driver, as in a person) privileges. We don't care if you're hanging out with your sister-in-law, bedtime is bedtime.
Crime: Prank calling the French Ambassador.
Punishment: Take away his cell phone … for a day. It's only logical that an offense involving a phone would result in the removal of said device. But, but, Prince Harry has important calls to make! He has to arrange his polo match and schedule suit fittings and set up interviews with Katie Couric. One day without his phone seems more than sufficient to teach Harry a lesson.
Crime: Calling his brother an "ugly sod."
Punishment: We have no official record of royal rivalry between Will and Harry, but one can only imagine that some name-calling and noogie-giving is perpetrated by the David brothers (did you know that's their last name? We didn't until like two minutes ago). For calling big bro a bad name Prince Harry should get a time-out. Harry could use some time in his room, which is definitely bare bones and not filled with any way to entertain himself, to think about what he did.
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[Photo Credit: WENN.com, Splash News]

If Monday night's episode of Bachelor Pad has taught me anything, it's that there's nothing more uncomfortable to watch than a bad case of unrequited puppy love. And, unfortunately for me (and for the drooling puppies in the mansion), there was enough of that to fuel a seventh grade Valentine's Day dance. The main culprit: Jamie. This episode should be called "The One That Makes Me Want to Smother Jamie With a Pillow."
The curtain rises on this episode before the smell of last week's departing limos' exhaust has fully dispersed from the mansion's driveway, and if you listen closely you can still hear Reid's sobs. Wounds from the night's rose ceremony are still fresh, but Chris Harrison is on call to rub a little salt in them. No sleep for you yet, kids, you've got some Burn Book-quality surveys to fill out in anticipation of the next day's competition. Bravo, producers, for choosing to make the crazy kids fill out the soul-withering surveys when they are tired and drunk. I know that's when I make my best life choices.
As we cut to commercial I hear one lone bachelor cry out, "What kind of sick joke is this?" I ask again, have you not watched this show? They did the same exact challenge last season.
After an alcohol-induced slumber, the Padres are ready for this week's challenge. It's a game show! Based on the previous night's survey responses! The kids will be forced to answer Bachelor-related trivia ("Who was the British Bachelor?") and questions based on the godforsaken survey. Who said that Erica was fat? Who said that Jaclyn was fake? Is Jamie crying again? (Yes, yes she is.) After what one can only imagine was minutes of intense play, Ed and Jaclyn are crowned victorious. They get roses, and one-on-one dates. Things are gettin' serious.
Jaclyn's date is first, and she picks Ed to join her. At this point, the simpering puppy within Jaclyn begins to emerge. She thinks Ed is so dreamy and their date to Dodger's Stadium is so perfect. They play catch and eat hot dogs and OMG IS THAT THE KISS CAM HOW DID THEY KNOW WE WERE HERE? Cue fireworks. Jaclyn looks like a blushing, glassy-eyed idiot; Ed looks bored.
The date isn't entirely without incident, though. Turns out, since Jaclyn chose to bring the other challenge winner with her on the date, Ed has to forfeit his own date. In exchange, they have to choose a different guy to go out on a date. Jaclyn and Ed argue about whether Chris or Kalon is more trustworthy. Are you kidding me? Those guys? Eesh, you two deserve everything that is coming to you.
Back at the mansion, yappy terrier Jamie is throwing herself and Chris, who is saying douchey things like, "All I do is, like, look at her boobs." Chris, your mom is going to see this. You know who also is going to see this? Emily Maynard. You remember Emily, dontcha Chris? You know, the woman you were in love with like three days ago? I guess in your defense she's got some pretty big knockers herself. So, she should be …. flattered?
Chris' classiness issues aside, the following scene ranks among the most awkward things I've seen on television. Jamie sidles into bed next to Chris, and the night vision camera reveals the two squirming and wriggling on top of one another fully clothed. And Jamie is talking, talking, talking. I would agree with Chris when he says, "The only way to shut her up is to kiss her," if the sentiment wasn't so despicable. Jamie's voiceovered professions of love make me want to vomit. "He's so loyal! He's so hot! He likes me, he really likes me!" No honey, he doesn't.
When they return from the old ball game, Jaclyn and Ed make the worst decision ever and give Chris the rose. This means Chris gets to go out on a date, and we have to suffer through another Chris-focused segment. Because Chris is as sick of the Blakeley/Jamie/Chris love triangle as the rest of us, he decides to take Sarah on his unearned date. He then begins comparing her to a new car, and I vomit for the second time this episode. (My puke per hour rate is nearing that of a sorority girl at 3:00 am after a trailer trash-themed mixer.)
Jamie and Chris' date is like an action movie. There's a car crash, kung fu, an unsatisfactory sex scene, and I leave halfway through to get more snacks and use the bathroom. Their date does pose an interesting question though. Are the contestants always allowed to just "get a room"? Also, how did Chris know to have his credit card and ID in his fluffy bathrobe? This wasn't staged at. all.
While Jamie and Chris are getting' down and dirty at the Ramada Inn, it's business as usual at the mansion — meaning, Jamie and Blakeley are fighting, Jamie is crying, Jamie is waxing poetic about Chris while crying. I'm like 90% sure she actually uses the word "husband" while describing Chris. While he is having sex with some other broad. I can just imagine Jamie watching this with her girlfriends and a bathtub full of Ben &amp; Jerry's and — you guessed it — crying. Riddle me this: Why would a girl who cries so often wear so much mascara? Plan ahead, will ya?
Also, since Chris didn't actually earn his sexytimes, Ed gets to choose to which lady he wants to bequeath a rose. After listening to the more pathetic ladies' snivelings (cough, Jamie and Blakely, cough) he gives the rose to cool girl Rachel. Say what you like, it's just so obvious that Rachel is going to come out on top in this whole thing.
The next morning, Chris and Sarah roll into the mansion reeking of unmentionables and casually say things like, "I look like s**t."
As deliberations for the next rose ceremony begin, I have a great idea for this show's next twist. How about, instead of just sending people home when they get voted off, we put their heads on spikes outside the mansion, Game of Thrones style? Too much?
Also, my brain just processed the fact that on Bachelor Pad the rose ceremony takes place in the driveway. This show just oozes class.
But I digress. Here are the long-awaited rose ceremony results. Chris Harrison calls out:
Sarah
Kalon
Lindzi
Michael
Erica
Tony
Nick
Blakeley
Which means, Jamie and fanboy David are going home. David the Cutest Leprechaun Of All Time bounds into the limo, sniffs the seats and says, "I feel so lucky to be in the loser limo!" Jamie, meanwhile, uses her last bit of air time to chew out Chris and, in the biggest surprise of the night, cry.
Scenes for next week show Lindzi and Kalon falling in what is so very clearly real, earth shattering, grow old and gray together, love. I can hardly wait.
Follow Abbey Stone on Twitter @abbeystone
[Photo Credit: ABC]
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With its third episode, Bachelor Pad decides to drop all pretenses. The mansion is a high school, and all the cast members merely students. We've got the cool kids, the wannabes and — after this episode — the prom king and queen. We also have the backstabbing, the raging hormones, the uncalled for tears, and the backstabbing (did I already say that? It warrants being said again).
To kick things off, Chris Harrison invites the Padmates — Padders? — to a desserted field. Yes, desserted. The players are greeted to a pool of ice cream, a hot fudge slide, and a whipped cream field. Oh yeah, and some nut sucks. I present to you: Hot Sludge Funday, the meanest, messiest obstacle course in town. Who will reign victorious, and who will develop an eating disorder? After an early lead, Team Jamie and Ed can't stomach the fudgy, sludgy (disgusting) mountain of goop and finish last. Rachel and David win by a nose and secure their places in the Pad for yet another week. Good thing for no-necked David, too, because no one really likes him and it's clear that he's going home the first chance the ladies get to vote him off the island.
With the icky challenge out of the way, it's time for our contestants to get their date on. Dave's date is up first and he picks Jamie, Blakeley, and Erica to join him for his mysterious evening of love and magic. Picking these three ladies, who clearly hate one another, means that Dave is either a glutton for punishment, a masochist, or just plain stupid. Does he realize there will be crying on his date? Because there definitely will be. Maybe he likes crying? Eh, I think he's dumb.
Oh golly gee willikers, David's date is a prom. Complete with pastel balloons, a cheesy photo station, and a second-rate band. My bad, that's country music sensation Katie Armiger. Oh, and the ladies get to change into ugly dresses. Cue the return of Erica Rose's tiara. This may be the only semi-appropriate tiara-wearing circumstance Erica Rose has ever attended. Where have you been, tiara? I've missed you so!
Hold the phone, breaking news from Blakeley. She is not here to find love, she is not here to make friends. Repeat, she is not here to make friends. And Jamie is trying to steal her partner. Jamie is a snake, and she better watch out because Blakeley is a Scorpio (I can't make this stuff up, people). Jamie retorts, "What Blakeley doesn't realize is her personality isn't always attractive." Them's fighting words. You can't take that back Jamie; you're going to have to live with what you said. I hope your evening of extended arm, middle school dancing with a guy you're not attracted to is worth the Wrath of Blakeley.
Back at the mansion, it's Orgy 2.0. The alcohol is flowing and the music is blaring like it's the freakin' weekend and everybody's about to have them some fun. In the midst of it all, Reid is being a Sneaky Pete and trying to recruit peons in his revenge plot against Ed, who at that very moment is carrying a slippery Jaclyn on his back like a sack of potatoes from the pool to his opium den of Xena Warrior Princess battle calls for what one can only imagine will be crazy, but not necessarily mutually satisfying, animalistic sex. Cut to a commercial.
The very next day is Rachel of the Blonde Bangs' date. Rach of course picks loverboy Michael Stagliano to join her and throws pity invites to both Tony the Crying Dad and Nick Who Are You Anyway. The four of them head off to the most romantic of locations, Madame Tussaud's Wax Museum. Oh I'm sorry, did I say "romantic"? I meant creepy and completely inappropriate. To make things even sexier, the foursome will spend the date pretending to be wax figures and scaring the s***t out of unsuspecting Bachelor/ette fans. Tony has the added joy of hearing a chubby teenager call him, "The nicer word for pathetic." That's gotta smart.
In due time, Rachel gets rid of the riffraff and finds a snuggly corner in the dark recesses of the wax museum to cuddle under a scratchy blanket with the one, the only, Mr. Michael Stagliano. The two spend the next few hours passing notes that read "Do you like me? Check 'Yes' or 'No,'" and giving one another Eskimo kisses.
The lights fade on Rachel and Stags and rise again to reveal everyone in their Rose Ceremony's finest, ready to lie and cheat and steal their way into another week of this friendly game. Before casting their votes, everyone speaks in superlatives ("Reid just made the biggest mistake of his life") and gets irrationally surprised to discover that everyone is lying, cheating, and stealing. I'm sorry, but have you watched this show? During an especially high strung conversation between Jaclyn and Ed (I think?) I can't help but get distracted by the lovely jade lanterns on the ottoman in front of them. These beauties really steal the spotlight. Can I pick them up at Pier One Imports?
From the weeping, hyperventilating, and whisperwhispersecrets I'm able to glean that the voting will all come down to Ed vs. Reid and Blakely vs. Donna. As always, Chris Harrison calls the names one-by-one, allowing the knowledge of the doomed contestants' demise to slowly dawn on them like the morning before a storm.
Erica
Kalon
Lindzi
Chris
Sarah
Tony
Jaclyn
Nick
Blakeley
Ed
Siyonara, Donna and Reid. It's been real. We'll miss you, but maybe (probably) not really that much. Follow Abbey Stone on Twitter @abbeystone [Photo Credit: ABC] More: 'Bachelor Pad' Recap: 'This is Such a Circus Freakshow' 'Bachelor Pad' Recap: 'Where's the Heat?' 'Bachelor Pad': Are Lindzi and Kalon Partners in Crime and in Bed?

With the introductions out of the way, this episode of Bachelor Pad was able to use it's entire two hours to build drama (which may or may not exactly exist before editing) and romance (if that's what you choose to call making out with someone you barely know). Such a relief. Is anyone else so glad that this show is two hours long? It totally has enough interesting things going on to warrant an entire two hours of air time. Two hours I could spend watching the Olympics. But I'm totally not bitter about how I spent my night. Noooo sir.
In honor of the Olympics —well, "honor" may be a strong word, but go with it — the second episode of this season of Bachelor Pad kicks off with a gymnastics challenge. Rhythmic gymnastics. Three tiny, leotard-clad, flexible (can't forget flexible) nymphlike creatures bound out onto the floor, hula hoops and ribbon sticks in hand, to perform feats the likes of which the Bachelor Pad contestants have never seen before. "That looks hard," says Nick as one of the nubile athletes (sure, we'll call 'em athletes) uses a hula hoop to raise her foot back behind her head. No kidding. Now it's your turn! The guys and gals are each tasked with performing a rhythmic gymnastics routine to be judged by rhythmic gymnastics experts Ashley Hebert (of The Bachelorette fame), her fiance JP Soon-to-be-Hebert, and Olympic medalist What's-Her-Name.
To say the guys were pumped to learn that they had to perform a rhythmic gymnastics routine while wearing Spandex unitards would be like saying, I don't know, something totally ridiculous. They are manly men! Manly men don't wear leotards! Manly men don't wave ribbons! Manly men don't jump like reindeer! Except, of course, when they do. Over on the ladies' side of Gymnastics Boot Camp things don't look much better. Giggles abound as limb after limb becomes ensnared in a dangerous web of ribbons. I'm honestly not sure if this is a training session or a Girl Scout basket-weaving class gone terribly awry.
But soon enough practice is over and it's time to show off for the judges. The girls go first, and me oh my, what a mess. Are they supposed to be in synch? Are they supposed to look graceful? Are they supposed to look like they're in pain? We may never know the answers to such questions. Good thing the guys are up next to show them how it's done. These manly men have got every flip of the wrist and flourish of the hand down pat; they are such natural-born rhythmic gymnasts they even throw in the worm, just for good measure. Everyone is impressed, present company included.
Now comes the hard part, our expert judges must pick the best and the worst rhythmic gymnasts. Erica Rose and Ed (poor, oblivious Ed, who just wasn't sassy enough) are dubbed The Worst and awarded one strike against them come judgement day. Blakely and Michael are the winners. Blakely and Michael receive roses and get to choose three people each for their amazingly romantic and intimate and private dates. Yay for Blakely and Michael.
As soon as the Blakely and Michael have roses pinned to their chests, the vultures descend. Erica tells Michael he needs to bring her on the date; he needs to save her from elimination. Michael nods his agreement and pats Erica on the back, then turns to the camera and is all, "Oh hell no! Only hot shorties get to come on my dates."
And so he picks Rachel, Donna, and Lindzi for a super romantic trip to a "rock" concert by a band I've never heard of and never want to hear again. The lead singer has floppy Justin Bieber hair and an ironic mustache, so he must be awesome. Donna, who I keep forgetting is a 22-year-old child, transforms into a slobbery puppydog whenever Michael is near. "I love him, I love him," she coos to all who will listen. It's actually painful to watch. Michael takes her for a twirl around the dance floor and she proclaims to the camera, "This is the best date I'll ever have in my life!" Oh honey, you know it's all pretend, right? Right? Please tell me you do. She doesn't. She's so blindly obsessed with Michael that she barely blinks when he starts making out with Rachel in the corner.
Back at the mansion, it's Jamie's 26th birthday and Ryan — the 32-year-old virgin — has baked her a cake. Jamie, who definitely doesn't eat cake, spends the night snuggling with Chris on a wicker sofa, saying embarrassing things like, "I can't believe you like me so much." Blakely doesn't like what she sees. And so heats up the Blakely/Jamie/Chris triangle for round two. And let me tell ya, round two refuses to die.
On Michael's date, Michael steals Rachel away for more tonsil hockey. "Rachel and Michael have been talking for hours," says Donna. Oh honey, "talking"? How did you get on this show? During her very own one-on-one time with Michael, Donna reveals a creepy Wedding Crashers sketch she did of him. Michael gives Donna a pity makeout, then he gives Rachel the rose. Donna is heartbroken. Put that girl on suicide watch, pronto.
Back at the mansion (again), Blakely, Jamie, and Chris are still strategizing, conniving, and manipulating one another. This continues for another 526 years, or until one of them gets voted off, whichever comes first.
Now it's time for Blakely's date (and I can't believe we're only halfway through this episode). She picks some boys, they go soapcar racing, nothing of note happens. Oh right, there's more "Blah blah Blakely blah blah I'm the best" from Chris. Chris gets the rose. I hate Chris.
Following the date, everyone in the mansion gets drunk and has a massive orgy. Everyone, that is, except for the twins. No one likes the twins; they don't even like each other. They spend the entire night squabbling and squawking, so loudly and for so long that I'm forced to turn the TV on mute. Michael, always the voice of reason, sums up the twins by saying, "I'm 28. I've met a lot of people on Planet Earth. I've never met people who fight so much. You know that sensation when you have a mosquito buzzing in your ear? That's what they are 24 hours a day." But praise Jesus, as the sun rises, the twins have packed their bags and are boarding the Subaru that will take them back to their depressing lives in Gainesville, FL.
With the twins gone, all the girls are safe this week. Only one guy will be voted off. David — poor, lonely, Bachelor-watching David — is positive he'll be the one to go. I am, too. I wonder if they'll drag this out or if the girls will vote quickly and just put him out of his misery. But, ho! What is this? Kalon has devised a plan! He wants to send the virginal Ryan home, and so he asks Lindzi to flutter from lady to lady like a pollinating bee, spreading his seeds of dissension. At the same time, Reid decides he wants to vote off Ed, simply because he is holding an ancient grudge agains the s**tshow of a man. Good luck with that one.
Finally, it's Rose Ceremony time. One-by-one, Chris Harrison calls the names:
Kalon Reid Nick Tony (You're still on this show? How's your son?) David Ed
Womp womp. It's the end of the road for Ryan, and before he got to put his P in anyone's V. Better luck next time, bud. As Ryan is driven away in the limo he can't help but wonder why Jamie decided to wear Madonna's fingerless gloves to the Rose Ceremony.
Follow Abbey Stone on Twitter @abbeystone
[Photo Credit: ABC]
More: 'Bachelor Pad' Recap: 'Where's the Heat?' 'Bachelor Pad': Are Lindzi and Kalon Partners in Crime and in Bed? Predicting The Next 'Bachelor': How ABC Makes Its Decision