OAP Ninjas (Pinjas) Crime Fighters

Ann Timpson the 71 year old wrinkly who many of us saw tackling hammer wielding robbers is not who she appears to be, but rather just one of a crack team of OAP Ninjas (referred to as Pinjers) hired by the Metropolitan Police.

Ann Timpson is in fact a multi-millionaire having inherited her wealth from her families shoe empire. She was shipped off to China when she was just 8 years old and there learned the art of Ninjarism.

Having trained for over 20 years, Ann is known to be deadly with what the police refer to as 'street weapons.' Her speciality is the 'handbag' with which she can kill a man with just one swing of her arthritic arm. Film of her recent crime fighting demonstrates her attempts to make contact with the robber's vulnerable parts namely his man sausage.

Ann was reluctant to be interviewed for fear of blowing her cover but now we can reveal how she is just one of many Pinjas with a licence to kill.

We tracked down one so called Pinja by the name of Stan. He works the streets of Manchester after sundown and told us how the coffin dodgers are recruited, trained and licensed.

'Our leader is code named Mr Miyagi because he can kill a fly at 10 feet with his chop sticks, and he is Chinese. He is 87 years old but still a tantric sex teacher believe it or not.' He went on: 'We are spotted by trained agents who wearing prosthetics infiltrate whist drives, line dancing classes and audiences of Ant and Dec shows. I was recruited many years ago by an agent who stood next to me in the Post Office. I had just wet myself when he started to tell me how he could fix my bladder control. At first I thought he was taking the piss but then I realised he wasn't and it was running down my leg!'

Stan went on to tell us how the Pinjas are given names like Top Gun fighter pilots. He said: 'Mine is 'Pan' after bed pan.' We asked if he knew Ann Timpson and he nodded slightly (or started to fall asleep - it was hard to tell). 'Yes' he shouted sparking back to life, 'I know her off the news - Anny Fanny is her code name because they say she has a massive, gapping hand bag.'

Stan told us how their training consists of Iron Man competitions, Triathlons and marathon sex sessions due to the drugs they are on. 'we need to release all the sexual tension' he said.

Finally Stan told us how their patron is none other than HR Queen Elizabeth II. 'Our Queen is an honorary member of the Pinjas although I don't think they give her the same drugs, he went on. 'She appoints us at special ceremonies carried out at Buckingham palace each 3rd Tuesday of the month. After we are given our special awards (a broach for the ladies and tie pin for the men) we all partake in a drunken orgy fuelled by Alco pops and crack until about 7.30ish when we settle down for EastEnders and then bed.'