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Friday, May 7, 2010

Conversations at Tucano's

My friend Kelsey turned 25 yesterday, and by the way she was stirring fiber into her water you would think she was turing 52. "I'm so old! Give me a bowl of prunes!"

Her birthday celebrations started Tuesday night. If any of you have ever been to Tucano's Brazilian Grill, you'll probably know that there's a way to sign up on their birthday list and get a free meal during the month of your birthday. And if any of you have ever been to Tucano's Brazilian Grill, you'll probably know that a meal there is pretty expensive, so bring on the free food!

Kelsey's husband was off on a job somewhere, so she needed her gays to fill his shoes. So Brian and I accompanied our "other Korean" to a night of meat, meat, and more meat. For those who don't know, Tucano's has a great salad bar where you fill your plate up with all sorts of goodies like mashed potatoes, cheesy bread balls, fried bananas, shrimp, pasta, soup, and of course, salad! Then the servers come around and bring various kinds of meats to your table, until your so full that you tell them to stop. It was a welcome change after the week of Top Ramen that Brian and I have endured.

They set us up in a little corner, sharing a bench with another couple.

Kelsey: Sorry we're intruding on your evening.

Me: Yeah, I always feel awkward when I can hear other people's conversations...

Man: No problem. Hey, you said you got a free birthday meal, how did that happen?

Kelsey: You just sign up and they send you a card in the mail. You can ask the server.

Brian: Yeah, Jack and I do it all the time.

Man: Oh. Too bad my birthday is today.

Kelsey: Happy birthday! Mine's on Thursday.

Man: I'm supposed to be on a diet, but...

Woman: I couldn't not bring him here. It's his favorite place. The diet can wait.

Brian: Yeah, we don't diet.

Waitress: Hi. Welcome to Tucano's...hey, I know you! You work at (insert name of girly lotion store)!

Waitress: Ha ha, yep, that was me. Oh my gosh, how funny! So what brings you guys here?

Kelsey: It's my birthday. I'm such an old lady! I'm turning 25!

Me: That's not old. I'll be there soon.

Kelsey: It's a quarter of a century!

Woman: That's what I thought when I turned 25...

A server comes by with the first choice of meat.

Server: So I've got Bacon-Wrapped Turkey and Filet Mignon, what will it be?

Kelsey: Hey are you Tongan?

Server: Samoan. What made you think I was Tongan?

Kesley: Oh my gosh! I didn't mean to offend!

Server: I'm not offended. So what will it be? Turkey or beef?

Kelsey: Seriously, I'm so sorry! I'm from Hawaii, and there are a lot of islanders. I would always get the Samoans and Tongans mixed up. I could never quite get the accents...

Me: He doesn't have an accent!

Server: Yeah, what accent? I've lived in Salt Lake City all my life! It's the older generation that gets offended over stuff like that...

Kelsey: I'm still really sorry. What's your name? Monty?

Fast forward through a few rounds of meat and continual chatter with the couple sitting beside us. Our waitress, who's name we've now learned is Kate, brings out a cake with a big 29 on it, followed by a huge group of noisy waiters.

Kate: We've got some birthdays over here!

Man stands up.

Kate, to Kelsey: You too! We'll sing to both of you.

Kesley, standing: But I'm wearing a skirt...

Waiters all whistle.

Me: Sexy, Kelsey! Looking Sexy!

Kelsey does a little dance while standing on the bench, next to the Man who's just laughing shaking a tambourine. The waiters sing a birthday song in Portuguese. Man blows out candles.

Kate: I'm sorry, I didn't know you were wearing a skirt!

Me: Oh, she does sluttier things than that!

Kelsey: Thanks, Jack...

Woman: Do you guys want some cake? We're not going to be able to eat it all.

Kelsey: No, we couldn't eat your cake...

Woman: Really. We insist.

Me: When I'm old I don't want number candles, that's lame.

Kelsey: On my Sweet Sixteen I wanted to be able to blow out all my sixteen candles, and I was so mad that my parents got me a 1 and a 6! I was jipped!

Me: Yeah, when I'm 50, I want 50 candles on my cake. When I'm 75, I want 75 individual candles on my cake. I want that thing to burn!

Brian: How would you light them all? Maybe you could somehow arrange them like dominoes where you light one and it somehow lights all the rest.

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Who is Joaquin?

My real name is Jack. Joaquin the Chihuahua is sort of my blogging alter-ego. I'm just a goofy-looking guy in my (late) 20s, married to the man of my dreams, working at a jewelry store, and trying to find a job where I can use my English Degree. I hope you enjoy reading my blog. And if not, it's no skin off my nose. Go read something else then.

What's New with Joaquin?

I've completed my last semester at UVU! My BA in English should arrive in the mail any day and I couldn't be happier. I've also started an internship with Wallaroo Media in downtown Provo learning content writing and social media. I'm also trying to start up a queer literary journal in Utah called Peculiar with a friend.