Friday, August 19, 2011

Because Abuse is Sexy Now

Case in point: all of the Twilight books. I know they get a lot of crap, but they deserve a lot of crap, so let the poo flinging begin!

First of all, let me warn you I am only going to discuss one of the idiocies crammed into the Twilight "Saga" in this post. The rest will have to be saved for another time. Like whenever eternity starts. This entry will be dedicated to pointing out the dangerously obsessive relationship being spoon fed to young girls as the pinnacle of love. Huzzah!

Here are some not-at-all creepy things Edward says to Bella, taken straight from a stalkers' handbook:

"It makes me… anxious… to be away from you."

(Because no one should ever be separated from their girlfriend, even when she has to pee. Especially when she has to pee. She might find a really cute mythological creature to fall in love with in the bathroom.)
"They don’t understand why I can’t leave you alone."

("They" being your family, my family, and the police.)

"I couldn't let you walk away from me. It hurt just to imagine it."

(Wow.)

"I thought I’d explained it clearly before. Bella, I can’t live in a world where you don’t exist." (You know, Edward, I heard suicide is painless. I'm pretty sure M.A.S.H. taught me that.)
"I don’t seem to be strong enough to stay away from you, so I suppose that you’ll get your way… whether it kills you or not." (Well shit, I guess it would totally be Bella's fault if he ended up murdering her and completely draining her body of blood. Totally her fault. She got her way.)

"I wrestled all night, while watching you sleep, with the chasm between what I knew was right, moral, ethical, and what I wanted. I knew that if I continued to ignore you as I should, or if I left for a few years, till you were gone, that someday you would say yes to Mike, or someone like him. It made me angry." (Angry? Or ENRAGED WITH ANGER? Also, who uses the word "chasm" in everyday conversation? Besides me...when I use it incorrectly to describe something else.)

"I’ll be back so soon you won’t have time to miss me. Look after my heart — I’ve left it with you." (Anyone who says something this cheesy deserves to be bludgeoned to death with a Louisville Slugger covered in rusty nails.)

"It gets easier. After a few decades, everyone you know is dead. Problem solved."

(Yes, let's look forward to the time when everyone who loved you is dead so that I can completely monopolize your time. He is also a time vampire.)

In addition to the above quotes, Edward also watches Bella sleep (without her knowing it), sneaks into her room when she isn't there, and breaks her car's engine so she won't get away and ... hurt herself or something. And Bella's reaction to when Edward "dumps" her? She hides in her room for three months and then binges on reckless behavior. Yeah. This book is beloved by teen girls everywhere. Isn't it romantic? America, we let this happen.

1 comment:

How can one wrestle with a chasm anyway? It doesn't seem physically possible. One would fall right in. One may, however, wrestle with the DESIRE to do what is right and the desire for what one wants; one may wrestle with one's emotions and one may wrestle an elephant. But a chasm? Wrestling with...empty space? Silliness. And America didn't just let this happen. We endorsed it and sold it to our young, telling them this was the pinnacle of love. In the words of Tim and Eric: "Great Job!"