High Sex vs. Sober Sex: Different States of Gettin' It In

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All fu*king is not created equal.

For those of us into mind-altering substances (wait, are there people in New York City who aren't into mind-altering substances?), sex can be a very, very different experience-- depending on which substance is pumping through your bloodstream.

Put mildly, when you're blackout drunk, you're usually much more willing to be bent over, say a desk or a bed or a kitchen table, than you would if you weren't blackout drunk. Simple logic, right?

If you're fu*king on Molly, let's say, you're much more likely to climax from cunnilingus than you would be if you were getting eaten out sober. These are the basic laws of physics. That being said, here are 5 different states of hooking up high.

1. Drunk sex

This is usually the first, most primordial stage of sex. This usually happens before any other type of sex happens.

Drunk sex tends to be a bit more frisky, albeit definitely more sloppy, than any other type of sex. Usually someone’s willing to try something they would never attempt sober... sometimes, someone’s finger finds their way into places it wouldn't normally end up. Hopefully, the other person is cool with that (sometimes people really, really aren’t cool with that).

Someone who’s usually a complete nun about her craving for BDSM may ask to be spanked, and the person doing the spanking may spank a little harder than usual. Like I said, this is probably the kinkiest of all the types of fu*king.

Unless you find a guy at a bar with whiskey dick, which is always a giant bummer for everyone involved.

Orgasm level: medium to difficult.

2. High sex

Ever heard the colloquial, “Want to come over and smoke?” This is literally the only way I got laid in college. I actually don’t know how people who don’t smoke weed ever do get laid.

Newsflash: if someone says, “Want to come over and smoke?” seven times out of ten, they want it.

High sex is phenomenal in every sense of the word. Your sensory receptors are on full blast, your brain is shimmering in an aura of understanding, your mental frequencies are slowed down such that you’re completely synced up to the person you’re with and to the world around you.

Orgasm level: mind-blowing and amazing, though difficult to come by.

3. Sober sex

This is a rare phenomenon which usually only occurs the third or fourth time you’re seeing someone. AKA, things have started to turn up a bit. Turn up for what? For sober fu*king.

Perhaps the fifth time you’re with someone, it starts to become “having sex” rather than "gettin' it in." This is the stage where you actually start to figure out what the other person is into-- whether they like it hard or soft, whether they like to be the person holding your hands above their head, or whether they want to have their hands held. Maybe they’re into a little light choking. By this stage, you usually know.

Even though sober fu*king by nature sounds a bit boring, the truth is that it’s actually more likely to be enjoyable, since you’re probably used to each other. If you’re having sober sex with someone you’ve never been with before, then I don’t understand your lifestyle and we can’t relate.

Orgasm level: high, if the person knows what they’re doing. Hey guys, two words: circles and clitoris. And yes, I’m a girl and I’m willing to take suggestions.

4. Sex on molly

While you’re in the midst of chewing your nail off your thumb and feeling shattering sensations tornado through your body every time someone touches your arm, imagine how it feels when someone touches the most sensitive parts of you. That’s right, you guessed it, it’s completely amazing.

With all the dopamine and serotonin trapped in your synapses, shooting the most relentless, unbelievable level of joy throughout your entire body at all times, this is not only the best method of fu*king, but it’s also the best method of doing just about anything.

It doesn’t really matter who you’re with, because even though intellectually you know that something might upset you tomorrow, there is literally no upsetting you in this state. Everything is wonderful. Even crying girls. Even alcohol spilled on dresses.

Ever heard the rumor that once you have sex on Molly, you’ll never enjoy sex without it again? Yeah. It exists for a reason.

Orgasm level: dangerously, mind-blowingly high.

5. Sex on coke

While every nerve-ending in your body is jizzing, why not create some actual jizzing?

Being on cocaine feels like being God, the entire world is fused into a single bright point, and you're its center.

Naturally, your horniess level is amped up in this state-- you're liable to be far less picky about who you want to have sex with. Basically, what I'm saying is that just about everyone at the bar becomes fu*kable. So, make sure there's a condom involved. Horniness level, drastically increased.