We Are Taking Away His Wild

by jkatejohnston

“Duncan is too domesticated. We are taking away his wild. It’s not okay. We have only two choices. One, bring branches into the house. Two, release Duncan into the wild.”

*

Looking at pictures of last year’s salmon run: “The dead ones are my favorites. I like corpses.”

*

We made a plan to go to a football game at Sacramento City College. Our team is the Panthers. We’ll be taking on the Santa Rosa City College Bear Cubs. “Might as well be the Babies in Diapers,” said Teresa.

“Yeah, they’re going to be crying for their mamas,” I said.

“Bear Cubs!” said Enzo, “We’re going to kick their bare butts!”

“Yeah,” said Teresa, “We’re going to rip off their diapers.”

“Can I say a bad word?”

“Sure.”

“That is the stupidest team name ever.”

*

Teresa showed Enzo a picture from the sports pages.

Enzo: “Go 40’s!”

Teresa: “49ers.”

Me: “I think most people say, ‘Goooooo Niners!” And as I said ‘Niners’ Teresa pulled down Enzo’s pajama bottoms. He shrieked with delight and started trying to spank her through the back of her chair.

Me: “Most people would pull up their pants before seeking vengeance.” He pulled them up and came after me. “You can’t pants me. I’m wearing a nightgown.”

Enzo: “Oh yeah?” And, from behind, he lifted my nightgown revealing my bare butt. I farted in his face. He screamed and ran, and I danced away in manner of NFL player about to be called for excessive celebration. It was a triumph.

*

Which reminds me. A few days ago Teresa said, “Enzo had a fart in the car on the way to school that was so stinky I almost crashed.”