Sonny finally asks Joe Jr. what happened to the baby. Joe Jr. found out about Kate's pregnancy from her priest, and lies that the baby was dead by the time he got to the boardinghouse. Sonny wants to keep digging, but Joe Jr. won't give him any other information. Then he's dumb enough to make veiled threats against the Corinthos kids. Trey tells Kristina he's shutting down the show so she doesn't jeopardize her relationship with Sonny. She worries that this means he'll leave, but he tells her he's totally into her and wants to stay in town for her. Ewen tells Patrick that he once lost someone close to him, but won't go into detail. Later, Elizabeth overhears him on a Robin-related phone call. Mac is now a bartender at the Floating Rib and already has the social part of it down. He knows about Alexis and Shawn's strip-pool game the night before and encourages her to ask Shawn out. Alexis decides to give it a try, but Shawn seems to already have a love interest. Lulu and Dante decide to talk about their marital issues, starting with "Luke's" letter, which Dante thinks has a ring of truth to it. Steven likes the idea of Elizabeth and Ewen together, if only because Ewen isn't Jason.

Why is Jason all of a sudden Elizabeth's one who got away? What about Lucky?

Doesn't Trey go to Yale? Is he just...not going to go back?

I'm trying to decipher what Ewen said to his mystery boss about no one suspecting that they're working together. Does that mean the mystery boss is also in town? If so, I have no guesses for who it is. Given the randomness of Ewen being involved, it's probably someone even more random, like Alice.

Nothing against Shawn, because I like him and all, but Alexis and Mac have better chemistry.

August 2nd, 2012

Sonny and Alexis should never give relationship advice, since their advice to Jason and Sam, respectively, is, "If it's over, oh, well." Kristina tells Trey she wants to take things slowly, revealing her experiences with Kiefer. Now he's unsure of using her, but he's still going along with Joe Jr.'s plan. Lulu and Dante hash everything out, so at least there's one happy relationship in Port Charles. We get it, Jason and Elizabeth have history. Can we move on?

I know we're supposed to feel better about Trey since he feels bad about his role in this revenge plot, but now he's just going to look like more of a jerk.

Was there some significance in Sam leaving the flower on the table and Kristina picking it up? Or am I just noticing pointless details, as usual?

I may have to rethink my idea about Ewen being Jerry. Jerry would never have that bad of a poker face.

August 3rd, 2012

Ewen goes to Wyndemere for a meeting with his silent partner, who's none other than JERRY FREAKING JACKS. No one explains why he kidnapped Robin and wants to torture her family, but who cares, since JERRY FREAKING JACKS is back? He does caution Ewen against a relationship with Elizabeth, first because he thinks she's still involved with Jason in some way, and then because he doesn't want Ewen to accidentally tell her anything. Todd confronts Sam over breaking into his safe, so she confronts him over his obsession with the baby. He makes up a lie about grieving for Hope. McBain suddenly finds himself single, thanks to Todd's photo, so he takes a little road trip to Port Charles to yell at him. Dante tells Johnny he's still keeping an eye on him, but Starr doesn't think Johnny's capable of grandpatricide. Maxie's upset that Lulu didn't tell her about Patrick's condition, as well as because, you know, Robin's "dead." Elizabeth interrupts a potential conversation between Jason and Sam, then basically admits that she's still in love with Jason, so now I hate her even more.

HOLY COW. I started watching today's episode thinking that nothing big would happen. Ten minutes in, I'm choking on a mushroom because JERRY FREAKING JACKS is on my TV. A huge round of applause to the show for not leaking his return, and for bringing him on so early in the episode instead of waiting till the end. (Also, this solves the mystery of a recent tweet from Nancy Lee Grahn about kissing a "former lover.") Now: How about some answers as to why Jerry wanted to kidnap Robin and fake her death?

I guess the show also deserves a round of applause for bringing Jax back later this month. I hated him toward the end of his run, but I've been thinking recently that it would be fun for him to show up while Carly's dating Johnny.

Writers, you can tone down all the irony a bit. We get the joke about Starr not thinking Johnny could have killed Anthony, and about Anthony's killer also killing Cole and Hope, and about Maxie not being able to bring Robin back from the dead. I repeat: WE GET IT.

Maxie makes a good point. Shouldn't Lulu at least have let her know that Patrick wouldn't be home for a little while and she would have to look after Emma?

Scorecard:Back in town: JERRY FREAKING JACKS, John McBain
Back together (officially): Felicia Jones and Mac Scorpio
Broke up: John McBain and Natalie...eh, I don't care what her last name is; she's not on this show
Hospitalized: Patrick Drake

Week in review:Funniest moment (intentional): TJ asking the waiter about wine, then saying he was "just checking"
Funniest moment (unintentional): I can't think of anything
Saddest moment: Kristina telling Trey about Kiefer
Sweetest/cutest moment: Jason and Sam working together and being un-angsty for five seconds
Least believable moment: Molly letting TJ order for her
Most annoying character: Elizabeth, and I don't have to justify my opinion, so nyah
Smartest character: Todd, for figuring out that Sam was in his safe
Dumbest character: Also Todd, for keeping the paternity-test results in plain sight
Previously unanswered question now answered: Ewen is working with Jerry (which also answers the question of how he knows the Jackses).

August 4th, 2012

Next week: There may be another Corinthos...

August 6th, 2012

Ewen thinks he's done as Jerry's lackey, but Jerry has big plans for Port Charles and still needs his help. Ewen threatens to go public with everything they did, even if it means he'll go to prison. Jerry assures him that won't happen. Also, he's sick or something? Todd and McBain fight, and then McBain stops using his words and starts using his fists. Sam gets him to leave, but Todd calls the cops and gets him arrested. Elizabeth tells Jason a few things about Ewen that make him suspicious. A scare with Aiden makes her admit that she constantly worries that her kids are in danger and she won't be able to protect them. Alexis admits to being overprotective of Kristina and sending her to Yale to keep her from another bad relationship. Kristina reminds her that she's an adult while simultaneously acting like a child. Trey confides in Starr that his father's in jail and wants him to "step up" to help him. Starr worries that he's going to do something illegal. Sonny tells Dante how he feels about Trey.

Ewen? Stop talking. He will kill you, and they will never find your body.

I thought we were going to have to see Jason save Aiden, which would then make me groan and roll my eyes.

By the way, Aiden is definitely the cutest of Elizabeth's children, though Cameron's pretty adorable. And they have the same curly hair, so that's cute, too.

I can't believe Sonny and Dante had an entire conversation without fighting.

August 7th, 2012

Sam gets Alexis to defend McBain, who’s perfectly fine being punished for hitting Todd. Heather spends her last hours before heading back to Ferncliff offering to tell people others' secrets. First she offers to tell McBain something big about Todd; then she promises to tell Sam something about her baby if Alexis will get the charges against her dropped. Sam's interested, but Alexis and McBain remind her that she's dealing with an actual crazy person. Olivia wakes up mostly okay, except for the part where she looks in a mirror and sees Heather. It looks like Ewen's going to break things off with Elizabeth, especially after Jerry sends him a warning text, but instead he tells her he's excited to see where things go. Johnny overhears Starr and Trey talking about secrets and starts bugging Starr about what Trey might be hiding. Carly thinks Todd kept the picture of McBain and Sam out of the paper to protect her. Dante feels bad for McBain, since he helped save Lulu, and gives Todd the opportunity to drop the charges. You can guess how that goes. Kristina and Trey would be cute if he weren't kind of a jerk.

I might actually kind of miss Heather. Good thing Jerry's here to fill the craziness void.

Speaking of Heather, she really enjoys telling people about their not-dead children, doesn't she?

And that was the day Ewen signed his death warrant.

I can't remember - does Sonny know that Kristina and Trey are dating? Follow-up question: Can I be the one to tell him?

August 8th, 2012

Starr tells Todd to drop the charges against McBain or he'll never see her again. He follows through, and she tells him he's starting to become a great guy and is actually her hero. Sonny plans to learn Trey's intentions through boxing. Sam and McBain admit to Kristina and Alexis, respectively, that they have feelings for each other but don't know where they'll lead. Kristina urges Sam to figure out where things stand with Jason so she can move on one way or another. Joe summons Johnny to Atlantic City to urge him to take control of both the Soleito and Zacchara businesses. And if he's not interested, Joe would be delighted to take the reins. Olivia thinks Lulu's pregnant, but it's just another hallucination. Or maybe not, since not long after that, Lulu gets sick.

As soon as the truth comes out about the baby, I'm starting a countdown to Starr losing it. I mean, "You're my hero"? Oh, honey.

It would've been funnier if Sonny had said he would bring Kate to brunch, then told Trey to invite his parents.

I thought we were done with the boxing 15 years ago.

Speaking of things that have been over for years, didn't Soleito die in the '90s? Has his empire, or whatever, just been idle since then, with no one running it?

Y'all, I think Olivia's psychic now.

August 9th, 2012

McBain learns that Natalie went back to Pennsylvania, but he still can't see her, since she got a restraining order. He's worried that he won't be able to see Liam, but Alexis is willing to help him. Jerry orders Ewen to kidnap Josslyn, then uses a horrible accent to lure Alexis to Wyndemere. Carly wants to find Todd a woman, for some reason, so they take Crimson relationship quizzes. Of course, they get compatible results. Maxie thinks Lulu's pregnant, even though Lulu has a dozen good reasons why this is bad timing. Spinelli warns Jason that giving Sam space is one thing, but giving her too much could cause problems. Patrick's doing much better and tries to spread his good mood to Elizabeth and Ewen. Ewen's on board, kissing Elizabeth, but she all but tells Patrick that her feelings for Jason are holding her back.

Forgive me for looking for realism, but is Alexis licensed to practice law in Pennsylvania? If not, Diane probably is (remember her work in Philadelphia)? And of course, we know another lawyer is. A lawyer whose child McBain really needs to see...

Natalie went to London for a day, then came back? She's weird.

Despite the bad circumstances, I can't wait for Jerry/Alexis scenes. (Like I'm at all picky about who he shares scenes with.)

I would make fun of Jerry's accent, but he's Australian and talks like he's from England, so it's not like he's an expert on them.

I love that Lulu has all these "but"s about why it would be bad for her to be pregnant right now, but doesn't realize that none of them would make it untrue. "It's horrible timing!" Yeah, tell it to the embryo. I also love the thought of Maxie prancing around the hospital, telling the nurses that she got a pregnancy test for Lulu.

August 10th, 2012

Jason and Sam finally discuss their relationship, admitting that they still love each other but can't reconcile their problems. He doesn't think he can accept her friendship with McBain, and she still isn't able to forgive him. She thinks things would be different if the baby were there and she could see how much Jason wants him in his life. They decide they're through and need to get a divorce. Jerry flirts with Alexis, who wants nothing to do with him. She tries to call the police, but he's made sure she can't contact anyone or leave. Lulu takes a pregnancy test but Dante interrupts before she can share the news with Maxie. Sonny tells Kristina he's planning to propose to Kate. Joe wants Trey to speed up his part of the plan. Johnny tells Carly about Joe’s offer, which makes her worry that the town won't stay peaceful for long. Sonny and McBain discuss Joe's case, and McBain gives Sonny permission to do whatever he wants if Joe's acquitted. Ewen assures Kate that Connie isn't a problem anymore, but he's a horrible doctor, so she probably shouldn't believe him.

I'm going to try some reverse psychology here: Sam and Jason SHOULD get divorced. And then when they get the baby back, they can get back together and have the big wedding they never had.

Well, Lulu, if you're so adamant about having kids on a timeline, maybe you shouldn't be so casual with your birth control. Oh, and congratulations, or whatever.

Week in review:Funniest moments (intentional): Quoth the Todd: "I'm awesome!" Quoth the Jerry: "I moved the satellite"
Funniest moment (unintentional): Dante getting Olivia to promise to talk about her hallucinations by using the phrase "if you see something, say something" (you can take the Falconeris out of New York...)
Saddest moment: "We need to get a divorce"
Sweetest/cutest moment: Not a moment, but Aiden. Just Aiden
Least believable moment: Carly and Johnny talking mob stuff in front of Josslyn
Most annoying character: Joe
Smartest character: I don't know. Maxie?
Dumbest character: Ewen

August 11th, 2012

Next week: Pregnancy! Proposals! Kidnappings! And that's just Monday!

August 13th, 2012

Jerry chloroforms Alexis and injects her with something. Ewen brings Josslyn to him and tries to stop Jerry from injecting her as well. Jerry threatens to go after Elizabeth if Ewen doesn't let him go through with whatever it is he's doing. Carly discovers Josslyn missing and calls the police, but Johnny finds her asleep in the yard. Alexis also awakens with no memory of what happened. Sam and Jason don't actually want to get divorced, but they're too lazy to do anything else. Max and Milo set up a romantic evening for Sonny and Kate in their own special way. Sonny proposes, and though Kate's worried that Connie will resurface and that Sonny deserves better than her, she accepts. Dante finds Lulu's pregnancy test, but his detectiving skills make him think it's Maxie's. He's thrilled when he learns the real news.

Jerry saying that Alexis and Josslyn have what they "need" makes me wonder if he's inoculated them against something to protect them.

Apparently Sam and Jason don't realize that they don't have to get divorced. I mean, they could just...not do anything and see how they feel. Ug, these people. Bring the baby back already! And keep Elizabeth and McBain away from them!

I can't believe Carly didn't call Jason about Josslyn's disappearance. Growth or just not enough time?

Don't get too excited, Dante. Babies in this town only have a 50 percent chance of actually being born. And then you never know – the kid could get swapped, Helena could grab it, Luke could run it over with a car, etc.

August 14th, 2012

Sam asks Alexis to represent her in the divorce just before Alexis collapses. Jason wonders if Jax might have been involved in Josslyn's brief disappearance. Carly notices the puncture wound on Josslyn's arm and takes her to the hospital. Ewen tries to sneak a peek at whatever Jerry's been injecting people with, but Jerry's a step ahead and has replaced it with water. Heather sings another verse of "I'll Tell Sam Everything," this time demanding that Todd get her released from Ferncliff. He points out that now that Maggie's "suicide" note has been debunked, Steven's back on the hook for murder. This gets Heather to agree to keep her mouth shut if Todd keeps Steven out of jail. Luke tells Steven, Lulu, and Dante that Heather had an accomplice with nice shoes and possibly a daughter. Carly is furious to hear that Jason and Sam are getting divorced. Dante and Lulu decide to keep the pregnancy quiet for a little while.

Ewen, if you're going to snoop in a villain's things, don't turn your back to the door.

Nice job getting yourself out of that one, Todd. Of course, your house of cards is flimsier than ever, but still.

Speaking of people getting themselves out of things...good luck, Steven.

Carly being so mad about the divorce is kind of hilarious. "I hate Sam, but you can't leave her!"

August 15th, 2012

Sam and McBain get Alexis to the hospital, and everyone quickly realizes that she and Josslyn have the same red mark on their arms. Jason finds it strange that they got sick at the same time, and McBain wonders if there's a connection between them. He looks into the call Alexis got and learns that the security company didn't place it. McBain decides to pay a visit to Wyndemere, with help from Jason in the form of a boat. Jerry enlists an old friend as a new accomplice: Joe. Apparently Joe supplied the people who helped Jerry stage the hotel attack. Jerry gets him out of jail in exchange for help with his next plan, which involves a trip back to Spoon Island. Starr and Michael overhear Trey telling Joe there will be a wedding, but Trey covers by telling them about Sonny's marriage proposal. He admits to Starr that his father isn't the person Trey let on he was, but he doesn't want Starr to say anything to Michael since it could get back to Kristina. Epiphany confronts Patrick about stealing drugs from the hospital but promises not to tell Monica. Patrick is released and goes back to his life as a single father.

As much as I like seeing what Jerry's up to, it would be interesting to only get this storyline from the characters' point of view. It would be a fun mystery to try to solve.

Joe and Jerry knowing each other is one of the worst things that could happen in this storyline. And by worst, I of course mean best.

Trey, if you don't want Starr to tell Michael anything, STOP TALKING.

More Epiphany! More, I say!

August 16th, 2012

At Wyndemere, Jason and McBain run into Ewen, who acts squirrelly and makes them even more suspicious. Ewen demands to know what Jerry did to Alexis and Josslyn, threatening to find out himself and reverse whatever they were given. He actually does Jerry a favor, though, tipping him off that Jason and the police are investigating. Jerry gets Joe out of jail just as McBain goes to Atlantic City, having heard about a hearing to get Joe released. Though his trip is in vain, McBain at least learns that Joe had assistance. Jerry still won't tell Joe what he's up to, but it involves a shiny briefcase and some vials. Steven can only determine that Alexis and Josslyn's illness was caused by something unnatural, and they were most likely injected. Trey tells Kristina that he has to produce ten episodes of Mob Princess and marry her or his father loses a bunch of money. She totally falls for it. Then he tells her his father's in jail, though that's not true anymore. Starr gives Josslyn one of Hope's stuffed animals, then breaks down. Molly and TJ don't want Alexis and Shawn to get together, but Mac does.

You know what would be awesome? If that briefcase were the same one Jerry got out of the hotel safe.

These writers think Atlantic City and Port Charles are next door to each other, don't they?

Yeah, I bet Jason has keys to the house his dead sister hasn't lived in for five years.

Kristina, how did you get into Yale? You're a MORON.

August 17th, 2012

Alexis and Josslyn decline quickly, nearing death, then suddenly get better. Jerry tells Joe that he made them sick to protect them – they've actually been inoculated against whatever he has planned for the rest of the town. Jason accuses Ewen of lying about his trip to Wyndemere and knowing more than he's letting on about Alexis and Josslyn's illnesses. Elizabeth defends him because of course she wouldn't be falling for a guy like that. Ewen panics and tells Jerry that people are on to him, but Jerry isn't worried. Johnny comes close to telling Starr that he caused the accident, but of course he doesn't. Trey uses Alexis' illness as an excuse to tell Joe he won't be getting married.

Yes, I was right about the inoculation! I figured Jerry wouldn't hurt Josslyn. I'm wondering if he kidnapped Robin so she can't cure whatever horrible illness everyone else ends up getting.

Ewen, you might as well come clean now. Maybe you can get immunity or something.

Notice how people mention Jax at least three times an episode? That's supposed to be a cue to the audience.

Week in review:Funniest moment (intentional): Todd saying Olivia's probably running naked through the woods, looking for a drum circle...then taking a moment to picture it
Funniest moment (unintentional): Jerry commenting on how much Josslyn's grown
Saddest moments: Josslyn reminding Starr of Hope, Molly's reaction to Alexis' condition
Sweetest/cutest moments: Dante's reaction to Lulu's pregnancy, Luke telling Lulu he thinks about her a lot, Epiphany and Patrick talking about their friendship
Least believable moment: Jason has keys to Wyndemere
Most annoying character: Heather, just for singing the same tune over and over without acting on it
Smartest characters: Jason and McBain, for starting to put everything together
Dumbest character: Kristina, for believing Trey's story about why he needs to marry her
Unanswered question of the week: What does Jerry have planned for everyone other than Josslyn and Alexis?

August 18th, 2012

Next week: The Jacks family reunion continues.

August 20th, 2012

McBain gives Sonny the news that Joe's case was dismissed and he left jail with an associate. All records of his visitors in jail were also wiped. The two can't figure out who would be willing to pay for Joe's attorney to get him off. Sonny's left having to give Kate the news that he's free. Joe demands that Jerry inoculate Trey, but Jerry only had three doses and has already used them. Ewen feels all guilty and dumps Kate as a patient. Trey tells Starr that his father has a history with Sonny, leading her to wonder if Joe's using Trey. Shawn lets Alexis know he likes her, and she tries to rebuff him since he's not her usual type of guy (i.e., he's not a criminal). He keeps pushing, though, and convinces her to have dinner with him. Jason shares his suspicions about Ewen with Spinelli and tasks him to dig into Ewen's past. Lulu isn't pregnant after all.

Why didn't Jerry just use an alias at the jail? Did he run out of James Bond actors?

Is Trey really so stupid that he didn't consider Joe might be using him? I mean, that's...that's massive amounts of stupidity, there.

You don't always make bad choices, Alexis. What about Ned?

Yeah, I bet Spinelli can pick a lock. He can't even brush his own hair.

If it turns out Lulu can't have kids, I will throw something at my TV.

August 21st, 2012

Joe orders Trey to take Kristina to Vegas and marry her immediately, partly so he can get his revenge and partly so Trey won't be in town when Jerry puts the next phase of his plan in motion. Sonny agrees to honor Kate's wishes not to kill Joe and to banish all thoughts and mentions of him from their lives. Todd wants to be Carly's friend, which involves trying to get her to see that her boyfriend is a horrible, horrible person without actually saying why. His next plan involves letting Kate know she's innocent so she can out Johnny herself. Kristina thinks she's being helpful by marrying Trey, but even Molly the diehard romantic thinks she's nuts. Dante and Lulu are disappointed there's no baby but decide to change that (this time on purpose). Starr talks to Johnny about Trey and decides what to do; most likely it's telling Michael what she knows.

"Awww, I wanted to kill him! You're so mean, Kate!" Calm down, Sonny.

I like Todd's new idea to let Kate take down Johnny for him. He truly is an evil genius.

Speaking of which...Carly, a homicidal serial rapist wants to be your friend. How does that not worry you?

Lulu and Dante trying to have a baby is going to get old in about two seconds.

August 22nd, 2012

Kristina agrees to marry Trey but balks when he presses her to do it immediately. He finally gets her to come around, only to learn that Milo is now Kristina's guard, and there's no way they can go to Vegas without Sonny finding out. Sonny almost kills Joe but lets him live because of Kate. Joe tells him he'll be in town for a little while. Todd plants seeds of doubt in Kate's mind about Connie's honesty. He also extends an olive branch in the form of Crimson. Johnny worries about what Todd's been saying about him to Carly. Luke meets Todd and is totally on to him. Carly is also about two seconds away from figuring out that he was Heather's accomplice. Starr tells Michael what she knows about Trey, and Michael's first instinct is to pass the information on to Sonny. When Michael can't reach him, he decides to talk to Trey himself. Carly doesn't think her house is safe, so she plans to move into the hotel until things are sorted out. Then she and Josslyn get a surprise visitor. Dante and Lulu tell Luke they're going to try to make him a grandfather again.

The cliffhanger with Carly seeing someone at Josslyn's door would be more interesting if commercials hadn't already ruined who it is. Also, I don't know why she's so surprised since she called this person.

Kristina doesn't know how perfect her timing is. Not only is Trey inadvertently saving her life (and his own), but by the time she gets back, her wedding will be the least of people's problems.

A Lucy mention! Happy day! However, Kate getting Crimson back needs to happen, because can you imagine the fun that would be Todd and Maxie?

The episode must have run short, because those Sam/McBain scenes were completely pointless.

August 23rd, 2012

Jax is back, and he thinks he might have been the true target of Josslyn and Alexis' attacks. Jerry tells Joe they're going to drug Port Charles' water supply and kill everyone. He thinks he's protected Jax by delaying him in Shanghai. Elizabeth almost sees Jerry outside her house, where he's come to warn Ewen again that getting close to Elizabeth is a bad idea. Ewen gets a little tipsy and tries to get Elizabeth into bed, but she doesn't want to move too fast. Spinelli learns that Ewen moved from Australia to Anchorage, just like a pair of Australian brothers we know and love. Sonny doesn't want to move on the information until there's proof he's involved in the attacks, so Jason sends Spinelli to Alaska to do some more digging. Luke gets a fuzzy phone call from Anna and decides to go to Switzerland to help her. Tracy tries to talk him out of it but ultimately gives him use of the ELQ jet. Trey and Kristina go out the window and head to Vegas. Michael goes through Trey's things and discovers that he bought plane tickets to Vegas. Tracy meets Joe and is immediately charmed.

Absence really does make the heart grow fonder – I no longer hate Jax.

Jerry seems to underestimate the prevalence of bottled water in Port Charles. He's also making me feel even more confident about my theory that he kidnapped Robin so she can't find the cure to the drug he's going to give everyone. In the plot Jerry mentioned today, where he drugged Nikolas, Robin and Patrick were the ones who cured him.

I don't know why Spinelli needs to go to Alaska, since a) he could do all his research on the Internet and b) you'd think Jason would have taken the leap from Jax to Jerry already, but whatever, it keeps him from getting drugged.

$5 says we get Luke's German alter ego.

August 24th, 2012

Jerry (as James Craig) buys shares in Todd's cable conglomerate so he can broadcast himself to everyone in Port Charles. Jason realizes that if Ewen's connected to Jax, he could also be connected to Jerry. He also realizes that since Jerry drugged Nikolas, he could be behind Josslyn and Alexis' attacks. Of the three doctors who cured Nikolas, two are dead, so Jason goes to the third, Patrick, for information. Jax learns that Carly and Johnny are dating and responds exactly the way you would expect. He also bugs Carly about why she never signed the divorce papers, like this is really the time for that. Jason goes to Elizabeth's and learns that Ewen spent the night. He tells Ewen he was wrong to distrust him, then tells Elizabeth what Spinelli found out about him. Elizabeth still thinks he's perfectly trustworthy, since Jerry's dead and all. Olivia has two more hallucinations that might be prescient: She sees water as radioactive and Ewen as the devil. Luke's German alter ego (someone owes me $5) meets up with Anna, who's been posing as a schizophrenic clinic patient and snooping around the facility. He distracts a doctor so she can get to a restricted area and find the person she thinks is Robin. Tracy sleeps with Joe, so...that happened.

I'm disappointed that those Todd/Jerry scenes weren't more awesome. You'd think awesome character + awesome character = more awesome than you can imagine, yes?

I still can't believe Jason didn't connect the dots between Ewen and Jerry before today. It took Elizabeth saying Jerry's name to make him think of it? He's as dumb as Trey.

Week in review:Funniest moments (intentional): Luke to Todd: "You know Caroline. Oh, I'm so sorry"; Todd to Kate: "I'll be Nick Nolte and you can be Eddie Murphy"; Carly to Josslyn: "Want to watch Tom and...Jerry?"
Funniest moment (unintentional): I'm pretty sure Luke and Dr. Obrecht were talking to each other in English with German accents
Saddest moment: I don't remember being that sad this week
Sweetest/cutest moment: Emma wants Anna to teach her how to speak with an English accent
Least believable moment: Luke could barely walk on Thursday, but by Friday he was fine
Most annoying character: Elizabeth, who really should listen to Jason once in a while
Smartest character: Anna, as usual
Dumbest characters: Trey, for not figuring out that Joe might be using him in a revenge scheme until Starr literally said the words; Jason, for also not figuring out that Jerry might be responsible for Josslyn and Alexis' attacks until Elizabeth said his name
Previously unanswered question now answered: Jerry plans to kill everyone in town with tainted water.

August 25th, 2012

Next week: Someone wants to kill us! Let's have sex!

August 27th, 2012

Jerry explains his scheme to all of Port Charles, offering a cure in exchange for a boatload of money. Steven understands federal law better than most of the cops on the show and notes that paying for the antidote would be illegal. Jerry's broadcast is interrupted by McBain, then Jason, who play good cop/punch-you-in-the-face cop with him until Jax arrives to try to get him to reveal the location of the antidote. Ewen continues to play innocent with Elizabeth, but when he learns Jerry's endgame, he's too upset about being part of it to keep quiet. Fortunately, Jason sent Patrick over to check on her.
A doctor busts Luke and tries to have him and Anna arrested, so they threaten to expose the clinic's clientele and ruin their reputation. The mystery patient isn't Robin, and Luke and Anna think Heather was either mistaken or lying the whole time. In reality, Robin was moved by yet another person secretly involved in this plotline: Duke Lavery. Tracy gives Joe a little Jerry history, letting him know how much she hates him for causing Alan's death. Joe keeps completely mum about his involvement in Jerry's activities, as well as the fact that Jerry gave him something to take in case he gets sick. Alexis panics over the fact that she's safe but her daughters aren't.

Seeing as how I don't know as much about federal law as Dr. Webber, I have to ask, can't a regular old citizen pay for the cure? I get that someone from the government can't, but if the authorities look the other way, I would think a private citizen could.

If we can get Johnny, Joe, and Josslyn in that warehouse, we'll have every character whose name starts with J in one place.

I've said it before and I'll say it again: Ewen sucks at being a villain. He should also watch his back because he's easily the most expendable character on the show right now.

Um, hi, Duke. So...I see you're not dead. Also, you haven't been on the show for 22 years, so most people probably have no idea who you are. (Quick 101: Ex-mobster and Anna's ex-husband, which means he used to be Robin's stepfather. Or possibly still is, if he and Anna are still married....)

August 28th, 2012

Jerry won't talk even after he's arrested, though Jax thinks he's lying about not knowing Joe. He also finds Ewen’s name familiar and just can’t figure out why. Ewen tries to cover for his comments about Jerry, seemingly convincing Patrick that he's innocent, though Elizabeth's still skeptical. After he leaves, Patrick tells Elizabeth that Jason sent him over to check on her, and she realizes that Ewen's a legitimate danger. It turns out Ewen's still in the house, holding a baseball bat and exhibiting signs of being full-on crazy. When Jason shows up, he finds signs of a struggle, an unconscious Patrick, and no Elizabeth. Michael and Starr are also in Vegas, making them safe, and are confused when his mother and her father encourage them to have fun. They take their sweet time finding Trey and Kristina, who manage to get married before they can be stopped. Kate encounters Joe and taunts that he got out of jail only to walk into certain death. Sonny finds them yelling at each other and promises to protect Kate. Todd would like to spend his last hours on Earth with Carly, it appears.

When Steve Burton leaves this fall, can they use the black t-shirt budget to hire back, say, Tyler Christopher?

Did I miss something? How did Jason connect Joe to Jerry?

Speaking of Jerry, can people stop saying his full name every time they refer to him? We know which Jerry you're talking about.

If Ewen were smart, he'd announce that Robin's alive. He's past the point of no return; might as well take Jerry down for something else while he's at it.

In the same vein of confessions, it would be funny if Todd told Sam the baby's alive, thinking it won't matter since they're going to die, and then...they don't die.

August 29th, 2012

Ewen admits to Elizabeth that he's Jerry's accomplice but claims he had no choice since Jerry's holding something over him. She tries to get away, then manages to call Jason, allowing the police to try to track her. Ewen finds out and is definitely not happy about it. Dante gets confirmation from the CDC that Jerry did indeed put a pathogen in the water. Jason demands to see Jerry, but only the FBI and police are allowed. Jax still can't remember why Ewen's name sounds familiar, but he thinks it might have something to do with his father. He also thinks he might be able to get through to Jerry. Sonny tells his goons to take Joe to the pine barrens, but Joe saves himself by telling him that his and Kate's son is still alive. Sonny isn't sure whether he believes him, but he can't take the risk of killing Joe and never finding out. Michael announces that Trey's using Kristina, and she quickly turns on her new husband. Trey tells her he really lied to Starr, and there's no connection between his father and Sonny. Michael snaps and attacks Trey, making Starr wonder about his temper.

A for effort, Elizabeth, but next time hide the freaking phone.

Is that the first time Jason has ever willingly called the police for help? Mark this date, people!

How is it that Dante's in charge? Oh, right, because Anna's out of the country, and the only other cop with the PCPD is Delores, who's already made her monthly appearance.

All other soap villains, please take a lesson from Joe on how and when to play a trump card.

August 30th, 2012

Alexis offers to get Jerry whatever he wants, even a night with her, if he'll give everyone in the counteragent. He asks for $88,111,000, which Jax and Sam recognize as a reference to the Dead Man's Hand. The mayor puts McBain in charge of the law-and-order side of things, while on the medical front, Patrick steps into Robin's shoes, looking at Alexis and Josslyn's blood work for keys to finding a counteragent. Tracy and Joe hook up again, then start exhibiting symptoms of illness. Joe starts to take the treatment Jerry gave him but decides to slip it to Tracy instead. Luke and Anna frolic in Switzerland, completely oblivious to what's going on in Port Charles. Also, he finally tells her the whole Robert/Ethan thing. Molly and TJ make bucket lists and have one item in common: They've never had sex. Shawn decides he'd better let Alexis know how he feels right away. Johnny and Todd accuse each other of being Jerry's accomplice because there's nothing better to do.

The significance of the Dead Man's Hand, in a nutshell: Sam killed John Jacks. Okay, not really. I found a great overview of what really happened, though, ironically, it's on a Jason/Elizabeth fan site. By the way, this was how Sam first came on the show. (I wouldn't be surprised if no one remembers that she was originally brought on the show as Jax's love interest. This was almost ten years ago, by the way, and no one ever mentions that they used to date.)

Not that I want Alexis to have to sleep with Jerry, but the thought of her getting to hold it over Sam and Molly's heads for the rest of their lives cracks me up. "I slept with a terrorist to save your life! I think you can manage cleaning your room!"

Dude. Tracy. There are 40 rooms in that house. Pick one.

Also, yeah, yeah, Joe gave Tracy the treatment, but that doesn't change the fact that he's evil.

I've noted many times that one plot the show has never done is teen pregnancy. I'd love to see Molly and TJ have sex, thinking they're going to die, and wind up with a baby.

Is anyone else concerned over the fact that Ric has apparently vanished off the face of the planet?

August 31st, 2012

From a combination of conversations between Jerry and Jax, Ewen and Elizabeth, and Jason and Spinelli, lots of questions are answered: Ewen's father originally owned the Dead Man's Hand, but John took it from him, which caused a bunch of disasters that led to the elder Keenan's death. Jerry and A.J. took the cards from John, which led to his illness. Ewen spent his life trying to avenge his father's death, following the family to Alaska to keep an eye on them. He became John's psychiatrist and went with the family to Arizona when his health started to decline. Ewen injected John with something to kill him, and Jerry caught him and has been holding it over his head for nine years. Spinelli uses some sort of bizarre geographical knowledge to figure out where Ewen took Elizabeth. Ewen plans to get the counteragent and bring it to Elizabeth, but Jason finds them first. Todd tries to negotiate with Jerry, who asks for the $88,111,000 again. Todd's in favor of giving it to him, but McBain sees it as a reward for committing a crime. He'd rather track down the counteragent, and he thinks the cards are the place to start. Anna's mad at Luke for lying to her and Robert, even though he notes over and over that he was trying to save Robert. She heads back to Port Charles, sending Luke to find Robert and Ethan.

I have the same question as McBain: Where are the cards? Does Luke still have them? Does anyone else know he has them? Okay, so I guess I have more questions than McBain does.

Did they bring back the same actor who played John before just to lie in a bed? Nice money if you can get it.

And wait, Jerry was working with A.J.? What the--?

Sorry, Anna, but I'm on Luke's side in this. He was kind of in a do-anything-to-keep-Robert-alive situation.

Week in review:Funniest moment (intentional): Jerry asking Sam if they aren't on speaking terms
Funniest moment (unintentional): The way McBain told Todd to shut up today killed me
Saddest moment: Alexis panicking because she's safe but her children aren't
Sweetest/cutest moment: I thought it was sweet that Spinelli wants to go home so he can be with his friends
Least believable moment: With the exception of Spinelli, no one out of town knows about the crisis back in Port Charles
Most annoying character: Johnny, but I think it's because of his hair
Smartest character: Spinelli, who is clearly some type of savant
Dumbest character: Ewen, who seriously could not suck more at being a villainUnanswered questions of the week: 1. How did Duke find Robin? Or was he involved in her original kidnapping?
2. Where are the cards?