Chris Huw Williams reflects on the return of Big Brother to our screens.

Arsenal sunk to defeat earlier today and I thought I couldn’t get more angry that was until I read the news that Celebrity Big Brother have sunk to new lows as Mohamad Al-Fayed entered into the house filled with sordid Z listers who scrape the barrel and stretch the meaning of the word ‘celebrity’ to breaking point.

Of course, it isn’t just Al-Fayed’s presence into the house that distresses me. Sally Bercow, the wife to the speaker of the House of commons has entered the house to “stick two fingers up to the establishment”. Yes, of course. The best way to stick two fingers up to the establishment is to sit inside a house on a pitiful, low-brow programme for a few weeks. Rock on sister, those two fingers are burning in the retina’s of all those establishmentees. Well done.

I must admit, aside from Berlusconi, I don’t want to hear about any political figures sex life. It won’t surprise you, therefore, that I was distress, concerned and horrified (as well as a plethora of other adjectives commonly used by people commenting on the Daily Mail website) that Bercow claimed to, “[take] John away for a dirty weekend in Devon,’. Apparently this ‘dirty weekend‘ was one part of convincing him to take part in the show, ‘He made me promise not to say or do anything that might harm him.”, it took Bercow under 48 hours to break that promise, dirty weekend or not, if I were him, I’d be fuming.

Bercow is proof that the millions and millions of pounds spent on the show have been pathetically poured down the drain whilst Al-Fayed’s presence is simply confusing. Supposedly he’s there to talk to another Z list celebrity about the whole Diana / Dodi situation (Daily Express journalists are at the ready to follow up from Wednesday’s front page article – if you haven’t read it, don’t) a brilliant place to have such a private conversation. I hear Cameron will be on the show next week to give an in depth lecture on army tactics for Afghanistan whilst the head of the MOD will stand in the middle of the garden reading out top secret information. Ludicrous.

Fortunately, the show is on channel 5. If it’s on channel 5, it’s not going to be good. Channel 5 is a waste of a channel, I’ve never watched a programme on channel 5 because… well, it’s channel 5. As soon as someone says it’s channel 5, I don’t watch it. It’s channel 5: nothing good is on channel 5, Big Brother’s just further proof of that. It might have got a reported 4.5 million views on the first night, but with pathetic stunts like Al-Fayed being on the show and Sally Bercow giving intimate details about herself, it’s sure to plummet significantly over the next few days and if it doesn’t, Britain truly is broken.

And if average reality TV shows on obsolete channels don’t grind your gears, this surely will: 52stone Susanne Eman from Arizona is trying to become the worlds fattest woman. The mother of two apparently believes that she feels more confident and sexy. I’ve heard about love handles but this is ridiculous.

According to her doctor she’s healthy and want’s to see how fat she can get whilst being healthy, claiming, “I’ve not gone near the danger zones yet”. That’s not true. You’ve gone probably about 45 stone into the danger zone and the fact that you need a motorised scooter to get around is just further proof of that.