I often wonder about the grand scheme of things... where do I fit in? Am I headed in the right direction? Why am I so unlucky in love? Why do I have to work so hard to get things that others get easily? What is the purpose of me being here?......you now get a peek into the life of a fellow who feels held back by invisible chains....curious?

Sunday, January 08, 2006

Never confess.....

For those who want an update on how things are with my muse…(after the breakup in December)

Although we do see each other everyday on the daily commute, we no longer acknowledge each other. We don't sit adjacent to each other anymore and we are not on talking terms anymore. Suddenly there is a huge chasm between us, and neither of us seem inclined to bridge the divide.

I did apologize to her the first day we met in January, but was met with a look of utter disdain. That was the first time I ever saw her like that.... and it took a while for the shock to die and the hurt to set in..... but it still hurts every day that I see her.... every day that we pretend to be complete strangers.... every day that we maintain an awkward silence.... It's amazing how quickly things change.... nothing can ever be taken for granted.... I remember the times when the commute seemed so short, as we shared our opinions, fears, hopes and secrets..... now the commute seems endless..... without her laughter.... now the commute seems gloomy..... without her smile..... I feel all alone..... once again.....

(For the record, I’m sorry just for the hurt/betrayal she felt when I confessed my affection for her. I’m not at all sorry for having those feelings for her… after all, I never planned to care for her so much…. it just happened over time… and I have no control over who my heart chooses to like or dislike…)

I gave up trying to patch things up in a couple of days…. I’ve accepted the cruel facts…. She has made her choice…. She can’t come to terms with the fact that my affection for her may surpass the obscure boundaries of friendship….. So, she has walked away from it all…. without giving me a chance to explain….that I never expected anything more than her friendship…. I never wanted her to care for me more than she already did...... I just wanted to be her friend …. someone she could trust….. someone she could talk to....... but she no longer trusts me…… and she no longer talks to me...... So, she’ll never know exactly what she means to me…. Coz’ I’mstill in the process of figuring out exactly what she means to me…. I definitely care for her…. But I still don’t know how much…. so I don’t know if my affection for her is within the realms of friendship or not …… I’m still so damn confused!…..

But, one thing I'm sure of.... I'm not a bad person.... and I've not changed..... It's just her perception of me that's changed..... (and I accept that) ..... I've always been honest with her (I still am) .... I've always valued her above all other friends (I still do) ..... I've always treated her with respect (I still do) ..... and I've always wanted to see her happy (I still do) ..... As far as I know, my only mistake was confessing my affection for her.... But, so what it I developed affection for her? … Couldn’t she just let me be?….. Was it such a colossal crime? ….. Couldn’t she just accept the fact that I care for her and let things be? ….. After all, I only said what I did, as I know how fleeting life is.... I didn't know if I'd ever get the opportunity to say it again ..... and look how right I was!

But, I’m not gonna beat myself up over this any more…. I’m not going to dwell on this any more ….. I just want her to be happy….. so I’m gonna give her what she believes she needs…. space…. time… my farewell .... (time to change the timings of the commute, I guess!)

I consider myself blessed to just have known her... for spending as much time as I did with her.... and though she despises me, I still care for her.... and though she no longer considers me as her friend, I will still be a faithful friend to her..... she's still my muse.... my friend.... she'll live on in my memories.... my poems.... my prayers.....

Got to read your post from the comment you left on mine. Only read ur latest post so far and am shocked to see the whole entry just pouring out exactly what I am feeling as of now, albeit in a more straightforward manner. I can understand all the frustrations you are going through..

Just want to let you know you are not alone. And may we both see the clear blue skies soon.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. ... (1 Corinthians 13) The Holy Bible