Brace yourselves; it's that time of year again when UbiSoft releases a new Assassin's Creed game - Syndicate. We can but hope that it arrives fully formed this time, and isn't another bug-infested rush job.

This time, the franchise is visiting Victorian London - a massive sandbox in which you'll encounter Jack The Ripper, opium dens, "I am not amused", Big Ben, smog, poor dentistry, and some unique gadgets.

To mark the game's release we present for you this gallery of 13 utterly bizarre Victorian patents. Will any of these feature in Assassin's Creed: Syndicate? No. A missed opportunity.

13. THE TRICK PLEDGE ALTAR

Oh, those Victorians! They did love a practical joke. And what could be funnier than encouraging a friend to make a pledge at your new home altar... only for him to be surprised by the abrupt appearance of a human skeleton - which spits scalding water into his face!??

12. FENCE CYCLE

Sometimes walking the length of a fence can be just too much like hard work. If only there were some way to take the effort out of it. Well... there almost was, as demonstrated here by none other than Vincent Van Gogh - the Scarlet Pimpernel.

11. THE WIRELESS TRICK TELEPHONE

We're back to the pranks again. "Hell-o, I hear you calling me!" says your innocent victim - only for the bottom of the phone to explode unexpectedly, and for his hand and face to be showered with broiling turps.

10. THE "NIAGARA" WAVE & ROCKING BATH

The makers of the "Niagara" wave and rocking bath claim that there will be ABSOLUTELY no water splashing in the room, as you rock and thrash in order to generate the FULLEST ILLUSION of a sea or river bath. Maybe not... but that won't stop your family from having you carted off to Bedlam.

9. MULTI-PURPOSE CANE

This, the Swiss Army Knife of canes, caters for all the gentlemanly pastimes: catching butterflies, sheltering from the rain, smoking opium, playing the flute, and measuring a horse. Well... all the gentlemanly pastimes... bar one.

8. INVISIBLE PADDLE MACHINE

"My dear fellow... are you able to lift this casket whilst straddling it?"...

​"Why of course I can, Herbert..." <BANG!> "My arse! My eyes!".

7. WATER HUNTING TRIPOD

Among the worst things about shooting birds in the face is when they fly away over water. Well... curse those avian menaces no longer - for the Victorians had a method for pursuing them. The single most unstable method imaginable. Ever heard of boats, Victorian inventors?

6. STAMP LICKER

Nobody likes licking stamps: who knows where they've been? A postal worker might've touched them, and you know what they're like. Mercifully, the Victorians had a solution - an artificial, salivating dog's head.

7. THE DEVIL'S SLIDE

This has it all going on. First you raise your friend on your Devil's Slide. Then you tilt him backwards. Then you let him go, and observe in silent hysteria, as he is startled by a series of small explosions, and being spattered in the face with a rancid solvent.

6. SURPRISE CHAIR

Look at how the victim of this prank goes from serenity to sheer terror. Why, it would almost be worth inviting a working class person into your home for. "Why would you do this to me?!"

5. THE FUZZY WONDER

No idea.

4. VIGOR'S HORSE-ACTION SADDLE

This is "a perfect substitute for a live horse", apparently, in that it promotes good spirits and stimulates the liver. They're not fooling anyone. There used to be something similar available from mail order catalogues. They were called "massage wands".

3. ELECTRIC BRANDING IRON

"Im going to brand you!" howls Satan, as his candidate shrieks and screams. Imagine his relief when he realises it was all a prank - instead of being scalded by a branding iron that had been left over an open flame... he's merely having the skin burnt off his back by an electrically-heated innocent joke.

2. MADAM ROWLEY'S TOILET MASK (OR FACE GLOVE)

Did you know that you can only remove your perfections by wearing this toilet mask three times a week? Also, in the unlikely event that it somehow doesn't work, you can just keep the thing on permanently.

​"Well, this is a jolly whimsy, Cedric... what the? That searing 'animal heat' shooting into my loins... it's burning me most intimately! Your human centipede ride has gone in a way that is a terrifying night mare, Cedric! <SCREAM>"

A hundred odd years later James Cameron would take #7, change the blindfold to some funny glasses, add some satirical preamble about the military/industrial complex and a cameo from Arnie and end up with Terminator 2 3D: Battle Across Time.
The Victorians should sued him for plagiarism like Harlan Ellison did...