We have been talking about habit change for the past few weeks in groups. This week we are going to balance that out with a healthy dose of self acceptance which, paradoxically can be a great catalyst for change and growth. This is a cornerstone of dialectical behavior therapy.

An important developmental task of adolescence is moving beyond dichotomous thinking that something is "all good" or "all bad". Getting stuck in inflexible thinking around habit change makes it difficult to make the incremental changes that are most effective.

According to Deborah Barrett, "The more we fight against it, the more likely we are to experience negative emotions, such as anger, hopelessness, and despair, and the harder it becomes to identify changes that can help. Like those Chinese finger-trap toys, the more forcefully we tug to release our index fingers, the more tightly ensnared they become. Calming down and taking stock of the situation opens the means to escape."

So in that spirit, this week we will be picking a habit that we are going to send some loving acceptance toward recognizing that our quirks and idiosyncrasies make us who we are for better and worse.

Resilience is the ability to bounce back from setbacks, and it is one of the most important factors in social emotional development. Confucius once said, “Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.” I was just a moderator at a community discussion in Tolland about raising resilient children and it got me thinking about what we can do in our smaller Kids Cooperate community to foster this critical social emotional skill.

The first thing that springs to mind when we think of mind reading might be psychic fairs, palm readers and telepathy, but if we think about it, we engage in our own sort of mind reading every day. Though we aren't able to see exactly what others think, we can gauge people's inner thoughts and feelings through various means such as empathy, reading body language or thinking as objectively as we can about the inner lives of others. This is called Theory of Mind.

The neurotypical among us can understand and predict others' behavior to some degree by working out their desires, beliefs, emotions, intentions and perceptions. By doing this, we can acknowledge that the way we see the world is not the only way the world can be seen. We come to realize as we grow up that our experience of reality is only one part of the wider reality that includes us all.

People on the autism spectrum tend to find this more difficult. They can find it tough to recognize that others have their points of view, thoughts, plans and emotions. Understanding our kids' deficits in this area will enable us to help and support them in making social progress.

Theory of Mind and the Autism spectrum

People on the spectrum can have difficulty comprehending that others don't know something or that others different views or opinions. They can find it tough when someone doesn't have a response to their question or if a matter is subjective.

Understanding that their peers, classmates or workmates even have thoughts and emotions can be a problematic concept to grasp for someone on the spectrum, meaning they can unintentionally come across as uncaring or selfish.

If our child's actions are cruel or hurtful at times, it's helpful to remain mindful of the fact that it may not be their intention to hurt others. Their actions can come from a lack of comprehension about the effect they have on the people around them.

The limits of the Theory of Mind of those on the spectrum can be seen from a very young age.

As infants, children on the autism spectrum have less interest in faces and shared attention than their neurotypical peers.

By 2 years old they can usually understand the desires of others, but not quite as easily as neurotypical children. Another notable difference is their preference to play with objects as they are, rather than pretending the toy is something else. A neurotypical child may pretend a block is a car, but a child on the spectrum generally won't.

3 years old is when Theory of Mind increases rapidly in NT kids. The test psychologists use is called the Maxi test. The child tested is told a story about a little boy called Maxi who hides some chocolate in a cupboard then leaves the room. Maxi's mother then comes in and moves the chocolate to a drawer, leaving the room before Maxi comes in again. The child is then asked where Maxi will look to find the chocolate. Kids with a developed theory of mind know that Maxi will still look in the cupboard, unaware that his mother has moved it, whereas kids without a theory of mind will assume Maxi will look in the drawer.

NT kids will get better at this over time, about 20% of those tested at 30 months being successful, increasing to 50% at 44 months. The success rate for ASD kids tends to stick at 20%, regardless of intelligence level or age.

As kids get older this inability to know when others don't know things can cause problems. If your child gets delayed on their way to school or work because of a traffic jam, for example, they might not realize that they'll have to explain this to their teacher or boss. Rather, they'll assume that their boss or teacher already knows the reason for their tardiness. This could lead to strained interactions and misunderstandings.

A limited theory of mind means that those on the spectrum will also find it difficult to understand sarcasm, irony, white lies and metaphors, which is likely to limit their social success.

4 ways parents can help

1. Invest in some learning materials

The University of Cambridge, UK, has developed a comprehensive DVD and CD-Rom resource for teaching those on the spectrum about emotion. Learning about 412 human emotions through games, videos, voice clips and voice stories, your child can get a much needed boost for their Theory of Mind skills in a fun way.

2. Role playing and acting

Role playing can be a great way to develop empathy and understanding in our kids. Putting themselves in someone else's shoes allows them to get outside themselves and their own minds, something that would normally be very difficult for them.

If you're not sure where to start, don't worry - there are plenty of resources available to guide you. You might want to try Foundation Role Plays for Autism by Andrew Nelson or acting out one of your child's favorite story books.

3. Become their Theory of Mind coach

Psychologists have suggested that parents, teachers, family members or friends can become a Theory of Mind coach for a child on the autism spectrum. By going through your child's day with them, you can explain and describe the behaviors and emotions of others. Helping them to pick up on the nuances of facial expressions, tone of voice and body language will allow your child to gain a greater understanding of how they can interact with others successfully.

4. Find a social skills group

A group specially geared towards those on the spectrum can be a great help in boosting your child's social interactions. The facilitators are likely to use a range of different activities and exercises to increase your child's awareness of the thoughts and feelings of those around them, helping them to develop the Theory of Mind skills that will pave their way to success.

We are continuing our curriculum on the brain, and this week we are into some exciting territory,the pharmacology of the brain, how chemical reactions let the neurons we talked about last week network and communicate. One of the positive effects of the "users guide to the brain" is that it demystifies processes that can feel out of control. The more we understand how the brain works, the more power we feel to try interventions or techniques to change the way we feel and react to external events.

We will be learning about synaptic connections, and how neuronal signals are stimulated by neurotransmitters which create a type of chemical language in the brain that translates into thoughts and emotions. Some of the neurotransmitters we will be discussing include Dopamine (reward and learning), serotonin (mood, appetite, and sleep), acetylcholine (muscle control), glutamate (learning and memory), GABA (neuronal inhibition and excitation), as well as agaonists (helpful chemicals) and antagonists (the chemicals that disrupt healthy brain functioning.

This week I took my son to see The Lego Movie. We loved it and as I watched it I couldn't help but see some archetypes that will be familiar to many of the kids who participate in Kids Cooperatesocial groups. [Possible Spoiler Alert] The pantheon of bad guys is headed by President Business who, frustrated with the disorder of lego land devises a plan to freeze them all in place using his army of micromanaging machines led by Bad Cop, one of the most three dimensional and interesting characters who struggles with wild mood swings. Starting to sound familiar?

The hero of the story is Emmett, a lego guy who struggles to fit in and be accepted despite his best effort to listen to what his peers are listening to, watch what they are watching, and talk about what they are talking about. His attempts to fit in are perceived by his peers as something less than authentic, and he is ostracized in a way that is all the more painful because he is "doing everything right". Starting to sound familiar?

In the end it is, ironically, Emmett's willingness to accept the ways he is different which reveals the way he is the same as everyone else in that each character harbors unique quirks of character that compliment each other. This should sound familiar if you have ever heard me talk about the Kids Cooperate philosophy of practice.

Our curriculum is built around the dialectic idea that a person has to unconditionally accept themselves as they are before change is possible. That is the principle behind the way curriculum is developed to support a space where the group members can share and find community in their idiosyncrasies, while gaining greater awareness of their social emotional strengths and challenges and learning tools to reach across what separates them from their peers in order to make connections.

In the Kids Cooperatesocial groups there has been a lot of interest in magic tricks lately. We have a cheap magic trick set that requires actual magic powers to pull off any believable tricks with, but that hasn't stifled interest or enthusiasm for learning and performing tricks.

For kids who are challenged by the pragmatics of peer social interaction because of Autism Spectrum Disorder, ADHD, or something else, magic tricks represent a social currency whose value rarely fluctuates. While typical social interactions can be unpredictable, the performance of a magic trick follows a clear and agreed upon social script that is followed explicitly.

I also have a theory that children on the Autism Spectrum enjoy magic for an opposite reason than of their neurotypical peers. While many people are thrilled by the mystery of the magic trick, kids who find every day social interaction mystifying are thrilled instead by the part of the magic trick social script in which the curtain is pulled back and the mechanics of the illusion is revealed. "A magician does not reveal their tricks" is not a response that is gracefully accepted to questions about how a trick was done in the Kids Cooperate social skills groups.

Here is a fun and simple card trick that is impressive and easy to master: http://youtu.be/tlQiuCeezUA

Did you encourage your children to make resolutions this year? Did you make any yourself? You may find it helpful to use the model of behavioral change that scaffolds the curriculum at the Kids Cooperate Social Skills Groups.

Joinin a group of people already engaged in an activity is one of the most difficult things to do. I'm sure that you've been in a social situation and recognize the feeling of looking around the room and seeing everyone already gathered into groups, discussing work, sports, and politics.

As I was sitting in a training this morning, a particular metaphor about the Social Sensory Cognition Process came into focus for me. As parents, and educators, we work hard to help our children build maps of the social landscape around them. A map of course, is a tool that represents the relationship of things to each other, most often places. The social maps we create for our children is a reference tool for them to look to to avoid dangers that we ourselves have discovered the hard way, and to take the path we hope will lead to happiness which is sometimes but not always the one of least resistance.

But here's the thing.

A map is useless if you can't locate yourself on it.

That, in a nutshell is why the central focus of the processes we use in our social groups is to bring focus to the three social senses that create the possibility for authentic social connection. In other words, the work of the social sensory process is to bring the child's awareness to the space they are present in, and that of those around them.

​In group we have been working towards a theory of understanding why we, and other people do what they do. This is important work towards developing a Theory of Mind, the ability to understand that others see the world in ways that are different, but equally valid to our own.

​The Social Sensory Cognition Process is an experiential therapy for helping people with high functioning Autism to become more at ease in social situations by creating space for more complete sensory experiences.

​By understanding the stages of normative development and watching for the early warning signs of Autism Spectrum Disorder, we can get children early intervention help and put resources and information in the hands of parents.

​At Kids Cooperate we are committed to a play based model because the social learning that happens during play lays the foundation for social communication and emotional regulation skills that become important for getting and keeping a job, and maintaining close healthy relationships throughout life.