It is not down in any map; true places never are.

holidays

This is the first time in … well, a really long time, that I haven’t been absolutely dreading Mothers Day.

I could write about the whys and hows that caused this stretch, but I regress. I feel ransomed. Instead, I have decided to write about why I go forward tomorrow.

I go forward because I am a mother. I go forward for my children, because while they may only need me to lead for a little while longer, I will continue to be their mother without their need. Being a mother is seared into every fiber of my being. It’s what I do. Not just for my own children, but with all children whose lives cross my path. I’ve been called into this unknown for as long as I can remember. Every dream I had as a child was to have a child. Sure, I’ve dreamt of traveling to new places and meeting new people, collecting adventures, but the only adventure I was ever certain I could not leave this planet without having stepped into has always been motherhood.

The most profound moment of my entire life was the one which held the sound of my child’s heart beating from within my womb. That was the moment I became a mother. While most things I’ve once held dear have now been counted as loss, come hell or high water, that moment will always be mine. No one can take it from me. That love and wonder remains the same.

My children are everything to me. I see them. They are too smart for their own good, and ignorant beyond belief all at once. They see me. A God in their wonder, yet another inherently flawed human wrapped in their unconditional love. I am their greatest teacher, they are mine. That’s the way it goes. We live, we love, we learn. We become.

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It has come to my attention that many of you are upset that folks are taking My name out of the season.

How I personally feel about this celebration can probably be most easily understood by those of you who have been blessed with children of your own.

I don’t care what you call the day. If you want to celebrate My birth, just GET ALONG AND LOVE ONE ANOTHER.

Now, having said that let Me go on. If it bothers you that the town in which you live doesn’t allow a scene depicting My birth, then just get rid of a couple of Santas and snowmen and put in a small Nativity scene on your own front lawn If all My followers did that there wouldn’t be any need for such a scene on the town square because there would be many of them all around town.

Stop worrying about the fact that people are calling the tree a holiday tree, instead of a Christmas tree. It was I who made all trees. You can remember Me anytime you see any tree. Decorate a grape vine if you wish:

I actually spoke of that one in a teaching, explaining who I am in relation to you and what each of our tasks were. If you have forgotten that one, look up John 15: 1 – 8.

If you want to give Me a present in remembrance of My birth here is my wish list. Choose something from it:

1. Instead of writing protest letters objecting to the way My birthday is being celebrated, write letters of love and hope to soldiers away from home. They are terribly afraid and lonely this time of year. I know, they tell Me all the time.

2. Visit someone in a nursing home. You don’t have to know them personally. They just need to know that someone cares about them.

3. Instead of writing the President complaining about the wording on the cards his staff sent out this year, why don’t you write and tell him that you’ll be praying for him and his family this year. Then follow up… It will be nice hearing from you again.

4. Instead of giving your children a lot of gifts you can’t afford and they don’t need or spend time with them. Tell them the story of My birth, and why I came to live with you down here. Hold them in your arms and remind them that I love them.

5 Pick someone that has hurt you in the past and forgive him or her.

6. Did you know that someone in your town will attempt to take their own life this season because they feel so alone and hopeless? Since you don’t know who that person is, try giving everyone you meet a warm smile; it could make the difference.

7. Instead of nit picking about what the retailer in your town calls the holiday, be patient with the people who work there. Give them a warm smile and a kind word. Even if they aren’t allowed to wish you a “Merry Christmas” that doesn’t keep you from wishing them one.

8. If you really want to make a difference, support a missionary– especially one who takes My love and Good News to those who have never heard My name.

9. Here’s a good one. There are individuals and whole families in your town who not only will have no “Christmas” tree, but neither will they have any presents to give or receive. If you don’t know them, buy some food and a few gifts and give them to the Salvation Army or some other charity which believes in Me and they will make the delivery for you.

10. Finally, if you want to make a statement about your belief in and loyalty to Me, then behave like a Christian. Don’t do things in secret that you wouldn’t do in My presence. Let people know by your actions that you are one of mine.

Don’t forget; I am God and can take care of Myself. Just love Me and do what I have told you to do. I’ll take care of all the rest. Check out the list above and get to work; time is short. I’ll help you, but the ball is now in your court. And do have a most blessed Christmas with all those whom you love and remember :

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it seems pretty fitting that today is halloween, because my life feels like a nightmare.

im in the deepest, darkest depression i have ever felt. it hurts physically.

everything is just confusing as all hell. i still care about him although i want to hate him. as much as i hate him though, i love my kids more. i mean i’ve been with him 8 YEARS! since i was 19. it’s hard. it’s hard to face that it’s over. there is so much there. so many memories, so many little things between us that i can’t share with anybody else because it’s ours. but…it’s over. it’s been over for a long time.

parts of me are still longing for him to ride in on a white horse and save me, to save himself, to save our children, be the man i always hoped he was in his heart and that we’ll live happily ever after, but i guess that is what it is…a fairy tale. it’s just never gonna happen. its time to let go.

i asked him the other day if it was over. he told me that he thought it was. he told me he thought that even though we wanted similar things that we were too different and that i couldn’t give him what he wanted and he couldn’t give me what i wanted. a part of me agrees and another part of me thinks it’s horse shit. we do want similar things, but what makes us different is our idea of how to achieve those things. our priorities are WAY different. he cares too much about what everyone else outside of our home thinks and impressing them and being “the man” in their eyes, more than being “a man” in his wife and children’s eyes. i think you inspire things, he thinks you demand them. he said maybe if i gave him some time. but i think there’s been plenty of that and plenty of chances and i always come up empty handed or with the rug being swept out from under me. i’m done with time and space.

then he said well you know what they say…if you love something, let it go and if it comes back to you it’s meant to be. is he serious? does he really think that’s what i’m hoping for. that i am gonna wait…for HIM? that this divorce and him physically attacking me is just some poetic tragedy? i’m not even going to touch that cause you know, i’m just down right disgusted that he would even risk losing me. it’s like he doesn’t even stop to think that maybe there is some guy out there, some guy that is everything i want and need that will see me as everything he wants and needs and that maybe, just maybe, i’ll move on and be happier than ever and never look back. i guess i should take more notice of that. if he had ever really loved me, or treated me the way i deserved, or been genuinely concerned about losing me, we wouldn’t be in this mess right now.

i cant even talk about the kids part in this right now.

i know no matter what happens, i’m going to be ok. i just have to keep reminding myself and praying for god’s will in this situation. i could use some clarity.
it hurts really fuckin bad.

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We had a wonderful Christmas for the most part. Minus one weird incident with BIL’s fiance’ and a rather quick trip to the ER with Diva.

She has and ear infection. Oddest thing with her. It’s like it hits her all of a sudden. She was fine. Then she’s not her happy self. Lots of whining. Then crying. Then ear pulling. Then wailing non-stop. Other strange thing about my daughter: she won’t take medicine. Listen, I have two older kids, so I know how to pin them down and force feed it. Seriously, if the girl puts anything in her mouth that isn’t appealing, she gags. This means anytime she needs an antibiotic, I have to request a shot and pain medication (i.e. Tylenol) has to be given in suppository form. Nice, huh?

The sour makes the sweet so much sweeter though. And the rest was good. Good food, wonderful presents. My husband got me a new digital camera, the kids got me one of those wool pea coats and its very warm and lovely. There has been lots of company too. My sister, her boy/friend, relatives, my best friend. Beavis, with two of her sons, Matilda and her kids. It’s been busy here. I thought about installing a revolving door for quicker access.

Matilda and I even managed to sit down and “TALK” today about past b.s. between us. That was a good thing. The glass of wine helped. We also are working on some plans for the upcoming year and becoming more fabulous. Strip clubs are out, but I still think we’re on to something.

And then today….we bought a mini van. (cool Stephanie is mortified) It’s FANCY SMANCY! I really, really, really, really, really, really like it a lot. I mean I guess you can assume that much since I bought it, but did I meantion I REALLY like it. Got the room of a mini-van, but the look of an SUV. The best of both worlds. Let’s just hope I still feel the same way after writing a few checks for that monthly payment and also that Matilda will still be my friend after THIS vehicle purchase. (teehee)

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Feeling quite accomplished today. I FINALLY put family pictures in frames and got them up in the dining room. AND (I’m sure the mind whirls that there could be more) I cut up my Coca-Cola calendar and put some of the pics in frames and hung those in the kitchen. I know, when you’re a SAHM it really doesn’t take much to get excited. Everything else I do, like cleaning, washing, etc, the kids usually go right behind me and tear it all to hell so at the end of the day I feel useless, but HA! I did do something. Although I shouldn’t get too sassy cause I’m certain they could find a way to undo this. This would be like me feeling all smart for buying a new prelit Christmas tree this year and ornaments that the kids couldn’t break. So what did they do? Just knocked the whole damn thing over…..lol. OH! and I also had help with my project. Matilda stopped by because she had an interview nearby, so I got to have another dose of adult company. I should watch myself. I could get used to that idea.

Made a bit more money on EBay today.

In other news, my husband has taught himself how to draw Spongebob Squarepants and I am most impressed.

9 days, 10 hours and 32 mins til Christmas!

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According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, but male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers until after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa’s reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen . . . had to be female.

No offense guys but we should’ve known…..

Only a female could drag a fat ass man around the world in one night…without getting lost.

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Surely I have gained 10lbs and I really don’t care. Can i just say that Country Crock’s Limited Edition Honey Butter is a gift from God. Really, it’s that good. Thank God it’s limited cause I would start eating it on everything, everywhere, all the time. Start putting it in my coffee and whatnot.

We had a wonderful Thanksgiving. It ended up just being my husband‘s siblings and their significant other at his Mom’s which was really nice cause we all got to bond. Usually there are Aunts and Uncles and cousins and blah blah blah…but it was a cozy gathering. After dinner and a couple glasses of wine we all squeezed in the family room and played Name that Tune – 80s edition. It was really funny. His sister and her boyfriend won, of course. She’s like 80s obsessed. We only lost by 1 stinkin point. Then we went off to my parents for another small gathering. Got to see my Dad’s sister and my Uncle and my cousins

That’s a whole other story. I dunno. I used to be really close to my Aunt when I was growing up and she kinda turned her nose up at me when I got pregnant with Jedi before I was married (gasp). God forbid I had murdered someone or something. (eyeroll) Whatever. My sister came back to my place after dinner and we had wine, talked about boys and giggled like sisters do.

Then I got up early Friday morning, made a cup of coffee and did my Christmas shopping……..in my pajamas…….ONLINE. I know, I know. It’s all fun to be in the hussle and bussle of the rush, but it’s done now. I saved money by thinking through my purchases and I did all my shopping through the Upromise website, so I will get money back for the kids college funds. It’s the gift that keeps on giving.