FROM THE DESK OF THE SENIOR VICE PRESIDENT OF OPERATIONS AND LOGISTICS

To: All Employees

From: Senior Vice President of Operations and Logistics

Re: Celebration in the Workplace

While triumphs of the company are to be celebrated, it is paramount that they be celebrated at the appropriate time and in the appropriate manner.

Take for instance a simple walk to the nursery earlier this week. The Chief of Fatherhood was carrying a sleeping Boy Twin down the hall when he was tripped by The Senior Partner of the Canine Division. Exercising great care and an agility none knew he possessed, The Chief braced against a wall, spun on one foot, and wound up in a kneeling position. No harm befell Boy Twin. In fact Boy Twin remained asleep throughout the entire encounter.

That is until The Chief leapt to his feet, screamed “woo!” and asked the dog “Did you see that?!” This abruptly ended Boy Twin’s slumber a full 20 minutes early. While this office recognizes the yawning chasm betwixt dropping a baby and almost dropping a baby, and congratulates The Chief on his acrobatics, the situation could have been handled better.

Later in the week, a similar situation occurred during a garden variety poopy diaper change.

The diaper belonged to Girl Twin. The diaper engineer on duty was the Chief of Fatherhood. In an effort to save time, or out of sheer laziness, The Chief decided to leave Girl Twin’s socks on. In the course of changing the diaper, one of the socked feet in question came perilously close to the soiled diaper. The Chief acted quickly, caught Girl Twin’s feet before they hit pay dirt and removed the socks.

At this point The Chief did a small dance, shot the socks into the hamper like a basketball, and yelled “Not Today!” to the room. It’s unclear why the socks were discarded as it was 10:00 AM.

While The Chief congratulated himself, Girl Twin reached below her waist, peed on her hands, and kicked the dirty diaper off the changing table, which landed face down with a splat. Similar to a piece of jellied toast. A terrible, terrible piece of toast.

Needless to say, shortened naps and poop on the floor are both situations we would like to avoid in the future. Specifically, The Chief of Motherhood advises that The Chief of Fatherhood “act like he’s been there before” and "stop dancing around like a rookie who caught a simple slant in the end zone."