*THIS IS MOST IMPORTANT - I have HSV2 and this is your disclosure notice. If you don’t know what it is, do your due diligence or ask me to email you a fact sheet about the stats - I’m not going to give you a personal lecture right out of the gate. Read my blogpost FROM A DIFFERENT PERSPECTIVE for more about this. It does not define my moral values or my sexual values - it is a medical skin condition caused by a virus (same viral type as Chickenpox, Shingles, or Cold Sores, but lower on the body) that MANY people have because they've been exposed to it. Don’t be ignorant of the prevalence of this condition in the dating population. If this is not your cup of tea, feel free to move on - no harm, no foul.

If you haven't stopped reading ....

*I am looking for a LTR and make no apologies about this. In lieu of a LTR, I’ll take a fun and satisfying FWB situation while I’m looking for my LTR elsewhere. If I can’t find either, I’ll settle for some amusing and thought-provoking conversation.

*If you have to use the words 'discrete' or 'discreet' in your profile we're not a good match.

*I'm a straight, white female, NOT INTERESTED in married or attached men, bi-anything, couples, group or lesbian activity.

*Do not ask me for naked pics of myself … I don’t have them, won’t take them ‘just for you,’ and consequently can’t share them with you. If you IM me, and are willing to share a face pic first, I will share my face pic … simple. BTW, I will never ask you for naked pics of yourself - please don’t send any to me.

I prefer my lovemaking and lustmaking in person, not on the phone or via camming, so IF we have a phone conversation and you try to turn it into phone sex, chances are pretty good it’ll be the last time we speak.

*I'm 66 … I have my sexual moments, but please don’t buy into the hype that all older women on this site are raging nymphomaniacs who want to become a notch on your bedpost; if you are a really young man (under 30), don’t think it interests me when you say you want to score with an older woman … it actually sounds more like you are looking at me as a bucket list item, and that’s rather insulting.

*If you start out with lewd suggestions or sexual questions in IM, I'll shut you down. Please be civil and if possible, a gentleman.

*I have an average/curvy body. I need to lose weight and am working on it but if we are strictly talking about physical appearances and attraction, I don't consider it hypocritical that I have a preference for an athletic or muscular man. Love and lust are apparently blind.

*I still work F/T - I might retire in 2019, I might not. I am NOT looking for a LTR with someone who plans to move to Florida and live in a trailer park nor am I looking for a meal ticket.

*I love movies, gardening, reading and a couple other things, but I don’t have ‘hobbies.’ Sports in general don’t turn me on, so if that’s a deal breaker, so be it.

*I’m a widow, and have 4 kids (by birth and by marriage).

*I like romance - go figure! If by this point you were thinking I am a ball-buster, you’d be wrong - I’m just looking for a man who is manly but loves and understands women as well.

*I value equality in sexual expression (I’m not looking for a dominant man, nor do I want to be the dominant one in a relationship).

Okay, so I'm being a bit sarcastic with that meme ... I think I’m just average looking, but that’s really up to you to decide if we exchange pics.

All those messages and IMs from would-be lovers ... I just want to click 'off' when I read, "what if I showed up at your house as a delivery guy?," "have you ever been with a young guy before?," "would you like your pussy licked?" And those are the mild sure ... I can't even begin to fathom what young, beautiful women with posted pictures receive on a daily basis.

Really? I think my eyes have rolled so far back in my head so many times I can't roll them anymore.

No, I would NOT do the delivery guy even if you were the delivery guy (are you freekin' insane?)

Yes, I've been with young men since I was a young woman, for Christ's sake. Use your brain ... 'that's what it's there for. Besides , did you read my profile or blog intro at ALL? Younger than 45 yrs , I have no interest in your whimsies or fantasies. Why have you even sent a message ... you'd have to be in the .1% percentile of age-appropriate maturity and compatability with me to even make me look twice even if you do have a smokin- body and gorgeous face.

Only by someone I like and doesn't put pressure on me with questions like "would you like your pussy licked," "are you there yet?" etc. Those questions don't even count in a chat with me; in fact, I'm likely to ditch you in a chat if you start asking me that shit. If you aren't in the group of men I would consider meeting (READ MY PROFILE), then it doesn't even matter as far as you are concerned.

There is a school of thought that says if a woman cheats, it is more likely to signal an end to her primary relationship than if a man cheats. And this may in fact be the case, because men and women tend to think and feel differently about sex and relationships.

Men are generally more likely than women to be able to compartmentalize sex and intimate connections. For many men, sex is sex, and relationships are relationships, and the two do not necessarily overlap. Thus, a man who casually cheats may do so without feeling a significant degree of emotional connection to a mistress, while a woman who cheats could see things differently, with sex and emotional connection intermingled in ways that make compartmentalization more difficult.

Stated another way, when women cheat, there is usually an element of romance, intimacy, connection, or love. Men, on the other hand, are more likely to cheat to satisfy sexual urges, with fewer thoughts of intimacy. Of course, many men cheat because they feel love as well as sexual attraction for an outside partner, but many more don’t: For them, infidelity can be an opportunistic, primarily sexual action that, in their minds, does not affect their primary relationship. In fact, when asked, many such men will report that they’re very happy in their primary relationship, that they love their significant other, that their sex life is great, and that, despite their cheating, they have no intention of ending their primary relationship.

Women are less likely to operate that way. For most women, a sense of relational intimacy is every bit as important as the sex; often more important. As such, women tend to not cheat unless they feel either unhappiness in their primary relationship or an intimate connection with their extracurricular partner — and either could cause a woman to move on from her primary relationship.

Consider the results of a well-known study in which men and women were shown videos of two men having sex and two women having sex. Male test subjects’ responses were highly gender specific: Straight guys were turned on only by the videos of women, and gay men were turned on only by the videos of two men. Meanwhile, two-thirds of the women, regardless of sexual orientation, were aroused by both male and female stimuli — in particular, the videos that displayed or hinted at an emotional and psychological connection. This research is hardly an outlier: Numerous other studies have produced similar results, confirming that, generally speaking, women are attracted to and turned on by emotional intimacy (especially in committed relationships), while men are more turned on by sex acts.

Put another way, male sexual desire tends to be driven by physiological rather than psychological factors. This is why porn sites created for male users feature short scenarios focused on body parts and overt sexual acts and little else. Even porn literature for men tends to focus more on sexual acts than on relationships and feelings.

Not so for women. Open up a romance novel, or tune in to True Blood, the Twilight movies, or other female-oriented romance/erotica, and you’ll see this rather clearly. In such stories, you'll find very little in the way of purely objectified, non-relational sex. Instead, you'll encounter broad-chested, square-jawed, deep-voiced bad boys who melt when they spot the story’s heroine. This is true even of the more overtly sexual Fifty Shades of Grey series, in which a really bad boy meets a really nice girl who knows in her heart that she can find the good in him and make the relationship work.

Men typically do not need to be in love to enjoy sex. In fact, they don’t even need to be in like; they just have to be turned on. Generally, it’s more difficult to get a woman interested in sex because they want a deep voice AND big biceps AND a sense of humor AND a guy who listens AND a desire to have kids and fix up a house together AND a whole bunch of other stuff.

This difference is most likely the product of thousands of years of evolution. Researchers Ogi Ogas and Sai Gaddam describe this as well as anyone, writing in their book A Billion Wicked Thoughts:

"When contemplating sex with a man, a woman has to consider the long term. This consideration may not even by conscious, but rather is part of the unconscious software that has evolved to protect women over hundreds of thousands of years. Sex could commit a woman to a substantial, life-altering investment: pregnancy, nursing, and more than a decade of child-raising. These commitments require enormous time, resources, and energy. Sex with the wrong guy could lead to many unpleasant outcomes."

Ogas and Gaddam call this feminine need to thoroughly vet a potential partner’s physical and character traits before becoming both physically and psychologically turned on “Miss Marple,” referencing Agatha’s Christie’s celebrated female detective. They note that this internal safety mechanism is not willing to give cognitive approval for sex until multiple conditions are met. (Of note: Women with histories of sexual trauma tend to not have this self-defense mechanism, and as such, are more likely to engage in casual cheating and to be further victimized as adults.)

Men have less of a need to guard against the dangers of casual sex, so they have not developed this inner detective. They will sometimes cheat just for the sex, even when they are perfectly happy with their primary relationship. This is why a relationship damaged by a man’s infidelity might be more likely to survive after infidelity is uncovered, as opposed to when a woman has cheated. Men can and do cheat on a good relationship, and good relationships are worth saving. Meanwhile, women are more likely to cheat when their primary relationship is not going well, and that type of already-troubled connection might not be worth the pain and effort required to rebuild relationship trust, emotional intimacy, and long-term harmony.

I realize that I am treading some very dangerous water here by sharing this particular blog entry, but as the expression goes ‘the truth will set you free.’ Consider this a rare rant about something serious, something about sex, and something besides the frivolous commentary usually seen in blogs here.

Many of the profiles posted on this and similar sites contain the phrase “D&D free,” or similar wording. I don’t dispute that the owners of those profiles intend for that phrase to assure their potential lovers that no nasty bugs will pass during coitus, but it’s a weak bit of reassurance, IMO. Unless you are tested immediately before having sex with someone, and get those results immediately, your previous status means very little, especially since the standard tests are usually limited to about 6 different diseases, and there at least 30 actual STDs/STIs. Test results are only as good as the day your samples were tested; if you have sex the day after, you run the risk of becoming less-than D&D free. Nevertheless, I get it. It’s intended to imply … safety .. and the person in the profile is probably hoping that the self-labeling will get him/her laid quicker or more often.

Pfftttt.

From the perspective of a person with an incurable (but quite common) STD, please let me share my thoughts.

I contracted HSV2 from someone over 30 years ago and I didn't even know I had it until I had a breakout after I became a mother (the change in my personal biology probably triggered the breakout.) Sexual safety wasn’t as big an issue then as it is now, at least not in my social circle. The bigger concern was an unwanted pregnancy. I don’t know who gave it to me, and I’m not sure if he even knew he had it. Regardless, he was guilty of spreading an STD, and I was guilty of naivete and not asking the right question beforehand. Done and done.

But let’s put one thing right out there and dispel some misconceptions. Well, maybe a couple of things.

First, it only takes ONE sexual experience to contract a disease. It could be your first sexual encounter, or your 500th … it just takes one time with someone who carries a virus or a bacteria that could be passed to you. This is not a morality issue people … STDs are a fact of life, and everyone who is sexually active is subject to contracting something, sometime in their lifetime. And on the issue of morality … check any ‘holier-than-thou’-ness at the door. Consensual sex is not the only way to contract a disease; if you are a child you are just as likely to contract HSV1 by getting a kiss from your great Aunt Martha when you’re a kid and then guilty if you spread it as an adult to someone you have oral sex with. And lest we dare forget, victims of sexual assault are often the unluckiest of the unlucky … they are crime victims but can also be the unwilling recipient of STDs in the process. So much for your moral judgments.

Second … it rankles me that a person without an STD (or perceived to have no infectious disease) calls themselves “clean,” while anyone with an STD is considered the opposite … “dirty.” This is how slut-shaming, stereotypes and bad jokes are allowed to exist unchecked. Consider that STDs or STIs have been at all-time highs for the past several years, and then decide if it’s wise to point the finger. How many people are guilty of spreading infection because they are in denial about their own health, too scared to disclose to potential partners, or just don’t give a damn about anyone else except themselves? How many of your friends or relatives may be silently suffering when the horrible jokes are made and everyone laughs about STDs, or when you brag about your own ‘cleanliness?’

I disclose to anyone I might be considering having sex with, if our relationship gets to that level, and I don't take it lightly. It is the right thing to do. And yes, it gets me shut down most of the time. And yes, I will get some email or responses to this that will consist of name-calling or lectures, telling me I’m dirty, disgusting or whatever other self-righteous beratement they can come up with. But that’s okay. I’d rather take the high road than be accused of being deceitful. I’d rather give a potential lover the choice, because I wasn’t given the choice and I have paid the price. WIth medication, use of condoms and avoidance during times when I am most likely to pass an infection, there is only about a 1% chance of me spreading my illness to a partner. I was married for 32 years and my late husband never contracted it. Much better odds to have sex with me than with someone who doesn’t know their risk factor, or worse, who knows and doesn’t disclose to you. Just saying...

Don’t tell me you’re sorry about my situation, and don’t give in to the hype. Speak your truth and support others who are not brave enough to speak their own truth yet.