Colliton: Home for the Holidays' has many meanings

An old song, “There’s No Place Like Home for the Holidays,” brings to mind the pleasure and the conflict inherent in this time of year from Thanksgiving through Christmas, Hannukah, New Year’s, and the related holidays for many groups and religions.

Pleasure comes with reestablishing old ties. Conflict might come with reminders why some old ties were broken or strained. All of this makes me wonder in a modern society where so many of us are scattered and might only have time for a few phone calls or some hours at a holiday meal, what is home and how do we know we are there?

Another old saying announces, “home is where the heart is.” By this definition, reconnecting with a person’s biological or adoptive family might be where his or her heart is or it might sometimes be elsewhere.

We might live in a home where the children were raised and grandchildren played or we might spend holidays in a place where more security and assistance are needed as in a personal care community. We might have many people visit or few with whom to celebrate. We might have crystal or paper cups. We might be able to travel or be locked into one location because of conflicting work or family obligations or disability. For individuals and family members, obligation, guilt, elation, curiosity, anticipation, and sadness can all play a role and one feeling does not exclude another.

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For elders especially who have lost so much over time, November and December may be times to revisit grieving. What we expect and what we receive are often two different things and I am not just talking about gift giving. If we expect the perfect turkey dinner or the perfect apology, they may not be there. Appreciation might not lurk under the Christmas tree.

How we deal with the gap between what we have and what we wish we could have helps to define who we are as people. In the movie “Lincoln” now playing in theaters, Daniel Day Lewis as the late president repeats an oft cited quote for his wife, Mary Todd Lincoln.

“Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.”

As a supervisor at a prior position, I expressed somewhat the same idea by saying, “We never get to be happy by thinking about what we don’t have.”

If we decide to accept what is and deal with it, while not saying that it is easy or that it is what we want, we are likely to be happier. We might be able to work to change the circumstances but if, at this moment, we cannot correct them, sometimes we have to settle in and say “this is all right for now.”

If we continue to play the old refrains and to compare what we have with what we want, we could continue into older age an angry person and even possibly drive away the answers that could help fill the gap.

What is home? Home is a place where we feel comfortable, where we can relax and be ourselves. It may be with parents or spouses or partners or children.

One person could make us feel at home or being with several might not feel like it. Home could even temporarily be with strangers with whom short term connections are forged.

One of my daughter’s favorite programs, “Full House,” in a segment showed airline passengers stranded at a distant airport during a snowstorm on Christmas. As they talk, they begin to connect.

Nothing will ever be perfect and stay perfect. No one can ever be there all the time even if he or she wants to be. The complaint that she or he does not visit enough needs to be considered in light of that person’s warring needs and priorities and none of us is smart enough to figure all the time when we are contributing to someone else’s life and when not. Sometimes we come to realize the answer much later.

Families used to be a husband, wife, and children, and possibly grandchildren gathered around the holiday table together. At least this was the Norman Rockwell print ideal.

It still is this for many families but for those who wonder if they are going to be home for the holidays, maybe wherever they might be is actually home and they can share it with whoever needs one too.

Happy Holidays.

For more, listen on Wednesday, Dec. 12 at 3:30 p.m. (NOTE CHANGE IN TIME) and every other Wednesday to radio WCHE 1520, “Planning Ahead,” with Janet Colliton, Colliton Law Associates, and Phil McFadden, Home Instead Senior Care.

Janet Colliton, Esq. limits her practice to elder law and estates with offices at 790 East Market St., Suite 250, West Chester, Pa. 19382, 610-436-6674, colliton@collitonlaw.com. She is co-founder with Jeffrey Jones of Life Transition Services LLC.