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Paradigm Shift

Sorry I’ve been away for a while… My father passed away August 19 and it rocked my world in quite a few different ways. There was the expected– the mourning of missed opportunities, the would-ofs and should-ofs. Without going too deep into it now, my relationship with my Dad was a rocky one with some real low points and long stretches of time without too much contact between us. Luckily, we had some great connections shortly before he passed and, while I mourn not being able to build upon that as I had hoped and planned, I’m glad that we had at least begun to rebuild.

There were also some unexpected things I never saw coming. Over the past 10+ years I’ve attended funerals for loved ones of people I considered dear friends because… well, that’s what you do. Funerals are never fun or convenient, but when you care about someone, you pay your respects to their loved one who passed and pay respect to their family, and you offer your support and acknowledgement to your friend that they’re going through a tough time. It’s not like you can just catch them another day– someone’s mother or father or grandmother or grandfather is only going to pass once.

I did have a few friends who talked with me about not being able to come, and in my mind that counts– you know you’re in their thoughts and that’s the important thing. You can’t expect all your close friends to be able to make it. But it kind of blew my mind after the service to realize that none of my close friends came out except for J, who’s husband is one of my closest friends (and he’d expressed his condolences and explained why he was not going to be able to make the funeral). J was sweet enough to help sign during the service for my sister and her husband who are deaf.

None of “the gang” — guys I’ve considered my closest friends for decades, and most were no shows without any explanation. I delivered a 10 minute eulogy for my Dad and it was extremely difficult to do– but I did it in part knowing that I’d be able to release all that emotion afterwards in the hugs of loving family… but I also wanted — needed — hugs from my closest friends. And they weren’t there.

I was however not totally devoid of a friendly hug– an old friend from childhood came out, someone I hadn’t seen since we left high school. We were best of friends in elementary school and got into lots of trouble together — we each had multiple instances of “doesn’t pay attention in class” on our report cards largely because of each other. He remembered my Dad from back in the day, and was kind enough to come out and pay his respects. It really meant a lot… but also punctuated the absence of the gang even further.

It reminds me of a time in my life when I had to make a big shift in my expectations of friendship. In my early 20s, I had a lot of anger and hostility and depression that would often come out when I’d been drinking heavily at a party, so much so that I began to worry I had a drinking problem. But then it occurred to me that there were times that I’d drink heavily at a party and had a great time (most often when I was partying with my sister and her friends at her college), and so perhaps my issues weren’t internal but external. I then realized that my anger and hostility and depression were tied into my relationships with guys I’d been friends with since high school– guys I considered close friends, but who constantly let me down and made it painfully obvious they didn’t think of me in the same way I thought of them. To me, close friendship means love, respect, compassion– being there in hard times as well as the good times. Once I realized that these guys were no longer close friends, once I mentally shifted their relationships into being “buddies” and not so much friends– all of my “drinking problems” went away. Lowering those expectations meant they weren’t constantly failing me and pissing me off because I no longer expected much from them.

After my ex and I split, I invested a lot of hope into being able to reconnect with “the gang” that had been such an important part of my life before marriage and kids. While shifting into domestic mode meant that we hadn’t really been able to hang out and do stuff nearly as much as we used to, I’d thought there’d been enough history and a deep enough friendship that I’d be able to count on them to help me transition into this new era in my life. And yes– some of them have indeed been there and have been invaluable to me.

But there are a lot fewer of them than I had thought, and Dad’s funeral has painted that picture very clear. I definitely need to stop trying to force some people in my life into roles that expired some time ago– I don’t want to spend time and emotional energy being angry or disappointed in them. I’ve been there before, it’s no fun and it is avoidable. It is also apparent I’ve got a lot more work ahead of me to rebuild the social network I want than I’d originally thought.

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I think there’s often a differential in friendships between what you want them to be and what they are. Or at least, that’s my experience, with only a couple of exceptions. Sometimes I think that’s part of why my circle of friends has always remained very small, because I have these expectations and they’re rarely realized. I will say, though, that it makes me value the people who I share a real friendship so much more than I have words to say.

I am so sorry for your loss. I did express that on Facebook, but I certainly realize that there is much, much more that I should have done to help comfort you. We talked about coming to your Dad’s funeral, and I so wanted to. Unfortunately, it was the last Retrouvaille post session that day, and it was an all-day one (9 am – 6 pm) in northern VA.

I wanted to at least call and tell you why we couldn’t come, but I let my husband talk me out of it. He said he had never met your Dad, you probably wouldn’t be expecting us, and we shouldn’t bother you when you were going through such a hard time. I knew in my heart I should, but he’s the one who has been your friend all of these years. I didn’t want to intrude on your friendship, and took for granted that he knows you better than I do.

Now I’m realizing that might not necessarily be true. I feel that I have gotten to know you quite a bit through your blog. I think it might be a safe bet to say that I have read about some of your deeper emotions and thoughts in your posts than he experienced through years of D&D. I don’t know for sure, because I’ve never been there, but I don’t imagine there are that many deep discussions occuring around that table.

I do hope you know that I have had you in my thoughts. I lost my grandfather about a year ago, and it is still very difficult emotionally. I still cry at the drop of a hat thinking of him. Even the good memories ache because they are tinged with knowing that I will never be able to experience another one like that with him. I understand your pain, and I will make sure I do a better job of expressing my care for you from now on.

Oh no, now I’m thinking I’m coming across as needy and whiny– that’s not my intention at all! I think I’ve just created some unrealistic expectations for myself that I need to work on. You did express your sympathies on Facebook and I appreciate that– and I’m glad to hear that I was in your and your husband’s thoughts, that means a lot to me.

I don’t think it came out needy or whiny. I just hate to hear that someone doesn’t have the support of friends, especially when I am one of those friends who should have been there. I also understand about unrealistic expectations, but I don’t really think it is unrealistic to expect guys that you have been friends with for decades to support you after the loss of your father. Just saying…

And yeah– you’ve definitely gotten to know my deeper thoughts and emotions here, not exactly something that gets discussed around the game table hahaha! Though your Sensei has checked in and read quite a bit of my blog from time to time 😉

Bennie- you are a great soul. I am very very sorry for your loss. I really do know how hard that can be.

It seems to me you have a knack for collecting readers who value you and all you are. That is very different from the friends you want though, isn’t it. If you are like me, and I think you kinda are, you want a little gang, a faux-familly, a group that gathers like “friends” on TV. I know you are hurt, and are going to “lower expectations” to keep from being hurt, but I wonder if that is really the approach that will get you what you crave. Being wide open and vulnerable certainly leads to hurts and can lead to depression, but it has been the only way for me to invite people in my life. Course, I am a mess 😉 but I am a much happier mess lately than I have been for a long time. You are that way in your blog and I think that is why you have so many great people reading you. Maybe it can work in real life? I am hoping it will….

My heart hurts for you in this time of grief and my thoughts and prayers are with you. XO- Rachel

I don’t want anyone to think I’m going to crawl into a shell and avoid people… I think I’ve just mentally been keeping a lot of people locked into a role that they are no longer wanting to or able to play in my life. That’s fine, people change, life goes on. They can still play a role in my life and my happiness but I need to readjust my expectations because I don’t want to build up any anger or resentment there. Having casual friends and buddies are a great part of life too.

You’re right– I do want a gang, a faux-family to be close to and tight with, and I do still have some I can rely on for the comfort and connection we all need. I just realize now that I need to shift gears and work harder to cast a bigger net and meet new people, not only for love but for friendship too.

Okay, Bennie- for you, I fired up my laptop and decided to take a break from my self- imposed “time out” from blogging…indeed, writing altogether.
If anybody knows about friends letting you down, or vice-versa, it’s me. I have been on both ends of that one, and it sucks either way. I can assure you that your friends who did not show up for you in your time of need and KNOW they let you down feel like big balls of shit right about now. I can also assure you that at least a couple either forgot (awful, but true, I bet) or got the times mixed up and figured it out too late…and they are kind of counting on the fact that so many of your other friends showed up that you didn’t even notice their absence. Some of our friends have no idea how much they matter to us.
Then, of course, there are people who will always be more important to us than we are to them…and those ARE the ones you, at some point, have to consider, if not altogether cutting the ties, then loosening them, for sure.
What I absolutely love about you and your post is that, rather than becoming angry with your friends for not showing up when you really needed them, you immediately looked for a way that you could change your perspective to resolve the problem. Do you have any idea how rare someone like you is in the world? That’s amazing. I need to remember to be more like that…everyone should try to, because the world would honestly be a better place. After all, the only person we can EVER really change is ourself.
I am so sorry for your loss, Bennie. There’s not a lot more I can say than that, so I hope it is enough. My heart goes out to you. You will be in my prayers. Lots of love to you and your family.
PS- thanks for inspiring me to write, even if it is only this. 🙂

Thanks for the kind words and support, Courtney– and I’m glad I could inspire your fingers to the keyboard because your words are missed 🙂

While I’m not always successful at it, I do try hard to manage my interpersonal expectations because doing so can really keep negative emotions from crushing us. These past two weeks have been really difficult and lots of the emotions from Dad’s passing are unavoidable (and indeed a healthy part of the healing process), but I realized that I was starting to build up some anger and disappointment and a little depression tied to the no-shows, and wrote this in part to help me let go of that.

So sorry Ben and at the same time happy that you both spent some good time together before he passed. As for friends… I find myself often grappling with who is a friend and who is a buddy. It is the tough times where you find out who the friends are. But you know thinking about this, makes me mad and sad about what we have turned into as a society. We have lost being a community of people that supports each other in good and bad. Busy lives, selfishness and ignoring that we are bound as humans stops us from doing the things that are really important at the end of the day.
Take care of yourself my online buddy and friend.

Ben first of all I am very sorry about your fathers passing. I”m really glad to see your posts, I’ve been thinking about you. I read some time ago that we go through stages with friends, changing over the years and that the ones we meet after lives big events such as divorce and the death of loved ones are the ones we will take with us till the end. You’ve got a gang waiting for you just up a head. 🙂

What a great article, Ben. This really highlights the importance of knowing yourself and using that knowledge to make decisions that improve your life and relationships. Sorry to say I’m one of those “close friends” that isn’t really there in real life for my girlfriends – but that is just me. I’m there in virtual spirit, and I don’t expect them to be there to hold my hand when shit hits the fan because I actually like to roll through that stuff alone, with some booze lol. What your article points out is that you have to recognize what is personally important to you in your friendships, and then it’s nice to give what you like to get. The other thing that I’ve learned is that as we age and get to know ourselves better it’s more difficult to find real new friends, as our expectations are probably more nuanced and our time is also at more of a premium b/c of work, kids, etc. For example, I have a zero tolerance policy for flaky people or people who don’t understand why I have to schedule hanging out time weeks in advance. So my circle of friends has shrunk to about 4! What I value about my best friends is that I know they think of me and when we get together they always listen without judgment and they love to laugh.

I value your friendship because you’re a fellow writer but also because you are a thoughtful and kind person. That means you’re always there with great advice, and support. I think Subtlekate is right and you will forge a great new gang here in the near future, you just have to find the right recruits for your party! (where, in real life, is that Inn or Tavern where you find all the right people for your next quest, eh? Too bad it’s not as easy as just hitting up the local Old Chicago or Red Robin)

Our condolences with regards to your father. My own father had a very rocky relationship with his dad, and I remember when Goon Goon passed it was a very difficult time. They too, had so much unfinished business and had only scratched the surface of healing. It sounds like you and your pops had done the hardest thing, though – taken that first step. Even that seemingly minute progress is actually a lasting success – you both cracked open the doors to your hearts, peeked out, and high-fived. That’s all the spirit needs, over time, to heal. Just that breath of fresh air.

Hugs, B, and just keep writing and being a great dad and soldiering on!

Thanks for the kind words and thoughtful reply MJ, and SO good to hear from you… feels like all my favorite ladies are chiming in on this post 🙂

The reference to wondering where the Inn or Tavern is that you can find the comrades you need for your next quest had me laughing from deep in my D&D heart 😉

“you both cracked open the doors to your hearts, peeked out, and high-fived.” –what a beautiful sentiment, wonderfully evoked… the world needs more words (and art!) from MJ, even if you don’t have time for Magic anymore, you should take up blogging about life, art, and cocktails! The WordPress community awaits my dear…

And I get it. People I considered best friends before are no longer in my life. they are now too engrossed in their own lives that they have even forgotten that I still exist. It’s sad. But it’s their loss, not mine.

Ben, I truly am sorry for your loss. My Dad passed last year and like you, there are some regrets. Things we just have to deal with ourselves now.

Here is the thing about funerals…they are not for the people who are gone. They are for the people who are left behind. The people who need the comfort, love and support, whether they will admit it or not. I am glad that you are strong enough to do that. Yes, I said “strong”, not whiny or needy. It is always an eye opener when you look up and realize who is not there for you. There are always people who say, “I don’t/can’t do funerals/hospitals. I don’t like them.” Who does? You don’t wake up in the morning saying, “I’m going to catch a good funeral today, Yee hah!”. We go because we care, because we are human beings and because it is the right thing to do. There are legitimate “reasons/excuses”, I know. However, it is just too common that it is just easier not to go. Easier for them. Harder for you because you then experience even more loss at a difficult time.

You have a lot of people who truly do care about you and will be there for you. Cherish them. Don’t waste your time on those others anymore, Ben.

Thanks, Michelle– I appreciate your thoughtful reply and condolences. Sorry to hear about you losing your Dad as well. I suppose most all of us join that unfortunate club at some point in our lives.

While funerals are in part to honor and respect the deceased, I agree with you that funerals are mostly for the living, to help people push through the grieving process. Otherwise lots of emotions and regrets linger a lot longer than our loved one would ever want us to anguish over.

Ultimately too I think they hit home that life is finite, and make you realize you need to spend time and reach out to the people you cherish as much as you can.

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