5 People Guaranteed to be at Your Office Party

With this being the final weekend before the week absolutely no work gets done between Christmas and New Years, we are in the midst of holiday parties. It is a weird time for firms across America where they become a hybrid-Lord of the Flies society. Take two scoops of stress and hatred for their profession, a spoon full of Mayan Apocalypse world is ending craziness and a heavy dose of booze and you get a room full of some strange individuals.

Some we know and love: The first year clerk who is still able to hold his booze and is using the party as a pregame activity to meet up with his real friends later in the day. Let’s not forget the always-loveable older managing partner and their significant other who are paying for most of your tab tonight. You probably want these rich bastards to be your grandparents because they are actually nice and give you more than socks as a present (i.e. money and booze). Then there are the others. These are the best to people watch. They are rare, maybe one per office, without question the following are the Five People Guaranteed To Be At Your Office Party.

1. The Creepy Almost-Divorced Partner

This guy is back in the dating game and it is awkward. Real awkward. It is a real cornucopia of douchebaggery. First he thinks he is awesome because he is a partner. Add to that the recent divorce proceedings and sprinkle on his new hair plugs and this guy is the hottest guy on the street since Don Johnson. His $300 dollar shirt will be unbuttoned way too far. He might be wearing a thumb ring. He will spend most of the night talking about how you should see his new boat, which is cool since it is the MIDDLE OF DECEMBER! Avoid this guy at all cost . . . unless it is a cash bar. Then hang out just long enough to catch a buzz but before he asks if you want to do some cocaine in the bathroom. Like I said, Don Johnson.

2. The Cougar

Oh, the Cougar. You probably haven’t noticed this coworker around the office during work hours. She generally wears her hair pulled back and a pants suit with shoulder pads, but not tonight. A cougar is easy to spot and but hard to catch. She will likely be wearing animal print of some sort and there will be a definitive lipstick stain on her wine glass. Just make sure you keep your distance. The Cougar works her ass off around the office and this is the one night of the year she plans to relieve some of that stress. Some poor first year associate isn’t going to know what’s coming.

3. The Temp Guy

Free Booze? The Temp Guy is there. Getting paid $30.00 bucks an hour for bitch work has changed this guest over the past six months. He once was an aspiring attorney that has now been hired for the big IP case’s doc review. He hates life and will show it with his drink of choice—anything and make it a double. By the end of the night he will notice the bartender is making more money tonight than he did all week. This will be the last night he is an attorney.

4. High-Strung First Year Associate

Oh, this is a prickly pear. This is likely the Associate’s first night out in two months and she just wants to dance. This girl is actually pretty normal but the past year of working 80 hours a week has hurt her social skills. A couple of cosmos will bring her back to the Regina George of her youth. Don’t even try though fellas, she is fetch and you are definitely not.

5. The 6-Months Too Late Guy

This guy is my personal hell. Because he spends most of his time billing for standing at the copy machine, he hasn’t exactly kept up with current events. He is going to request Call Me Maybe and then remind you how it is the coolest song on the radio right now. Then he is going to show you his cool new dance: The Dougie (which he can’t do). Sprinkle in a Jerry Sandusky joke or two and he will be the most annoying person you will be forced to talk to all night. Just pray he doesn’t have phone that can get online or you will be watching Gangnam parodies all night long.

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We had a cougar at our firm, and I fell into her trap, but it was at our 4th of July picnic. After 3 beers, we wound up in the dugout at the town park. The only thing that saved me is that when she pulled down her panties, the stench got me sobered up in about 3 seconds. Fortunately, by that time, she had already satisfied me, so I was able to pull my own pants up and leave the dugout without a chubby.

Jill

How selfish of you! I am sure she did NOT particularly enjoy pleasuring your smelly weenie, but in return you just pull up your pants and walk away? Do you know how hurtful it is when a woman offers the most intimate access to her private parts and, having received your BJ, you just fart and walk away? I call for all women NOT to pleasure a man until after he has taken care of you.