Comments(4)

Wow, at FIRST I was really confused, but I'm so glad that got cleared up by the third chapter. The only side effect of that would be some people might give up by the second chapter b/c it was such a confusing shift.

This is a really interesting story. I loved the descriptions and detailing, plus your plot is good and I liked your MC. The only critique I have is that some of the writing is choppy, make it confusing at times. But other than that, it was great. :)

I loved this!! Like, really. You are a great writer. I've only read the first chapter, and I'm invested in the story. The bracelets really interest me, especially when she says she can't take them off. And Ivan! I'm wondering who he really is. The video of her parents was so intriguing.

When I have time, I'm going to read more! Great job! You're an amazing story teller. :)

Reviews(4)

In the third paragraph, you wrote "My arms were filled with lead as THE hung numbly at my sides, not trying to rub the chills that scattered my skin." When it should say "My arms were filled with lead as THEY hung numbly at my sides, not trying to rub the chills that scattered my skin." You put "The hung" and it should be "They hung". :)

In the tenth paragraph, you wrote ""You have to leave now." He let go of my hand in the instant he'd looked back to see the body of the dead man motionless and drenched. I'm hyperventilating when he's turned back to face me." You should either have your story in past or present (But never both), and since it seems like the rest of it is in the past, you should keep it in the past. :)

Chapter One:

In the second paragraph, you wrote "I recalled excusing myself from my psychiatrist's, doctor Grant, office." It flowed off the tongue better, and makes more sense, if you write it like this: "I recalled excusing myself from doctor Grant, my psychiatrists's office."

The rest of chapter One sounds alright, with a few punctuation errors. :)

Chapter Two:

Chapter two sounds alright. A few punctuation errors and that's about it that I saw. :)

Chapter Three:

In the first paragraph, you wrote "Before I could snatch away, I was blinded by a streak of violet." I don't know... the word "snatch" just sounds odd there to me. Maybe use a different word there, or say "Before I could snatch MY HANDS away...", it might sound better, more like it belongs.

In the first paragraph, again, you wrote "If I'D screamed it would have been be heard beneath a sudden crashing sound made by a force of dusty wind whipping viciously around us." You should write it "If I HAD screamed, it would have been heard beneath a sudden crashing sound made by a force of dusty wind whipping viciously around us." Change "I'd" To "I had", put a comma between "It" and "Screamed" and take out the "Be" between "Been" and "Heard".

Okay, so this is for the prologue. I have to read up to chapter four, so as proof, I'm writing a review for every chapter I read. Today is the prologue, which, since it was very short, is only getting a short review.

A lot of the comments pretty much complain about the prologue being confusing and hard to follow. Although it is, I really liked it. Because it doesn't really reveal much, but there's a lot going on. It makes a reader want to know more, they would want to figure out how things are going to end up.

Your writing was so good, it makes me jealous. I know I'm only fourteen and I might get better as I get older, but compared to you, I feel like a kindergartner writing about her lost bunny. I loved every part of this so far, and can't wait to move on to chapter one when I get the chance.

Oh yeah, I gotta talk about something that happened...I never really get this part, because what can I tell you that you don't already know? I mean, you WROTE this. So just trust that I read your story, okay? I'll trust you read mine. BTW, love Falcon's name.