Funny One-liners

Funny one-liners, short jokes and sayings that that would look great on a t-shirt or bumpersticker.

… yes, but not the inclination.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

A PBS mind in an MTV world.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

A cynic’s work is never done.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell and make you feel happy to be on your way.

A gross ignoramus – 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the ass.

A real friend isn’t someone you use and throw away. A real friend is someone you use again and again.

A splendid combination of talent and trouble…

According to my calculations the problem doesn’t exist.

Actually, he’s more of a party mineral.

Adult child of alien invaders.

Adults are just kids who owe money.

Advice is worth what you paid for it.

Against stupidity, the gods themselves struggle in vain.

All I want is a warm bed, a kind word and unlimited power.

All men are animals, some just make better pets

All things considered, insanity may be the only reasonable alternative.

Allow me to introduce myselves.

Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest – Mark Twain

Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.

Always remember you’re unique…Just like everyone else.

Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

Am I getting smart with you? ….How would you know?

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.

And on the 8th day, God sobered up.

And which dwarf are you?

Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

Any idiot can face a crisis; it is this day- to-day living that wears you out – Chekhov.

Any mental functions attempted in this area must be re-evaluated during a subsequent period. It has been discovered that standard logic works sideways in this area due to the influence of the occupant.

Any reform must be accounted a success which does not have an effect exactly the opposite of that intended.

Any twelve people who can’t get themselves out of jury duty are not my peers.

Anything is possible if you don’t know what you’re talking about.

Anything worth not doing is worth not doing well.

Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.

As far as I’m concerned, all phone calls are obscene.

Ask a silly person, get a silly answer.

Ask me about my vow of silence.

At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.

Axe me about Ebonics

BEER: It’s not just for breakfast anymore.

Back off! You’re standing in my aura.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Behind every great fortune there is a crime – Balzac

Being weird isn’t enough.

Better living through denial.

Blessed are the cheesemakers??

Blithering Genius

Borrow money from pessimists… they don’t expect it back.

Brain damage is what we were after– chromosome damage was just gravy.

Can I trade this job for what’s behind door #2?

Careful, I may be someone important.

Caution – I was not hired for my disposition.

Caution: Contents under pressure.

Change is inevitable…. except from vending machines.

Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.

Character is what you are. Reputation is what people think you are.

Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

Cynic: A person who has an accurate view of the world. Optimist: A cynic in the making. Pessimist: A cynic with a vivid memory

Cynic: n. Someone who sees things the way they really are.

Dare to think for yourself

Death or compliance – now that’s not too much to ask for, is it?

Deja Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.

Deja moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.

Department of Redundancy Department

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

Desperately clinging to utopian illusions

Devious, cunning and inventive.

Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?

Do they ever shut up on your planet?

Does the noise in my head bother you?

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

Dogs think they’re human. Cats think they’re gods.

Dole for Pineapple.

Don’t be stupid. We have the Religious Right for that.

Don’t believe everything you’re told.

Don’t bother me. I’m living happily ever after.

Don’t eat vegetables because insects use them as their love pads, and who knows what kind of STDs They’re carrying.

Don’t let your mind wander. It’s too little to be let out alone.

Don’t mind me–I’ll just bleed.

Don’t panic. They’ll all be Taken Care Of.

Don’t put off till tomorrow what you can get someone else to do today.

Don’t take life seriously — it isn’t permanent.

Don’t try to engage my enthusiasm–I haven’t got one.

Don’t try to outweird me–I get stranger things then you free with my breakfast cereal.