Horoscopes 3/4-3/10

Everyone has trouble deciding what they want to be when the grow up. Whether you’d like to be a fireman, or a doctor, or one of those guys who has a traveling elementary school assembly he takes from town to town, it’s one of the biggest choices you’ll ever make. Luckily, you no longer have to make it! This week, we’re telling every sign what they’ll be when they grow up. What’s that you say? You’re an adult with an established career? Well, that’s what you think.

Pisces

A world-famous magician, you finally perfect your dream trick: you make a double of yourself appear. Unfortunately, you can’t quite figure out how to make him disappear again. Worse, doesn’t seem to understand he’s not the original. Worst of all, though, he constantly wants to hang out and he's very into ska.

Aries

You become a big business man who makes big business deals. You bathe in a pool of money and eschew traditional transportation in favor of a fleet of unpaid interns to carry you wherever you go. Everyone hates it.

Taurus

Your love of comfort leads you to an illustrious career as an interior designer, until, one day, you’re hired to design a maze inside a home. False doors, stairs leading to drops, and optical illusions: this place has it all. Unfortunately, now that you’re the only one who can solve it, the owner isn’t likely to let you leave. As a matter of fact, he’d like to show you something in the basement.

Gemini

With your well-trained ear, you quickly rise to the top of the gossip-columnist heap. No one gets scoops as outrageous or exclusive as you do, which makes it all the sadder when your career ends after you fall for the old “Benicio Del Toro ate a kitten on a dare” hoax. While you were correct that he can unhinge his jaw, he would never go through the effort for a morsel so small.

Cancer

You set out to build the tallest building that mankind has ever known. No one believes you can do it, but, by God, you do. Still, the whole thing does take a turn for the worse when the Moon crashes into the 4,629th floor.

Leo

Thanks to your fantastic leadership skills, you have no problem pivoting to a career in politics. You’re elected president before you even have time to think of an agenda! That’s not hyperbole, you literally have no positions. Fortunately, you’re a quick improviser. Unfortunately, your executive order to ban hentai leads directly to a civil war.

Virgo

Seeking a quiet, simple life, you become a librarian. One day, however, a man brings in a strange book. He refuses to even look at it, and insists he cannot take it back with him. This strikes you as odd, as you spend your day flipping through the tome. You don’t feel different, aside from a strange whisper you mistake for the wind. You could shelve the book and be done with it, sure, but for some reason, you can’t stand the thought. The idea of anyone else discovering this book fills you with a potent rage. Well, maybe tomorrow then.

Libra

You become the first judge in the world to install trap doors beneath the witness stand in your courtroom, and the ninth in the Iowa Superior Court to be forcibly dragged, screaming, from the building.

Scorpio

You become the highest-paid influencer in Instagram history, which doesn’t seem to carry as much weight as you’d hoped once the Water Wars hit.

Sagittarius

As the wisest philosopher in New York City, you know that suffering is temporary, and materialism is wasteful. No, you laugh at all those fools. They think themselves better than you for making over $6,000 a year? Pathetic.

Capricorn

Having been trained since your youth, you become an swordsman, traveling the land and righting wrongs where you find them. You fight evil wherever it lies, with as much vim as you can muster. You live, breath, and sleep by the code you swore to uphold when you first held your blade. Unfortunately, your opponents live, breath, and sleep by high-powered rifles and various grenades.

aquarius

You start the most successful non-profit organization in history, until it’s discovered that the starving children you’re feeding aren’t exactly human.