A letter to my mom: “Defining Emotional Train Wreck!”

Dear Mom,

I really hope you don’t read this but…. seriously, I have been really rubbish whilst in relationships since my last long term one.

I had to declare to someone that I am a “train wreck”…. they are to deter themselves or derail themselves or veer away from me. I don’t know! Maybe I should just ignore the fact that you and I had so many problems. This time I mean it because you always intervene and make me look like a helpless female with really mixed up emotional blah blah blah.

Of course, I use this whole avoidance as an issue to not deal with my emotional dilemmas but really – my primary goal is to just do what guys do and get it done with. I am really not feeling the most attractive or the most influential person in the world. Maybe Mom, this is because yet again you revealed the very core of my incompetence towards my own feelings because they have been subdued for some time.

I have an underbelly of issues and I just want to put them in a box and bury them so deep- even you won’t be able to uncover or embarrass me again. Never, ever again.

The funniest moment was when you tried to have a conversation about bipolar disorder….. oh my word! Tragic cynicism just flew out of your mouth and I just sat there thinking – but ma’ I deal with those people on a daily basis and I don’t really need to hear about it : it’s my break time. I don’t like debating with non – professionals about such delicate matters. You see I just wanted to switch off my brain and not discuss other people’s matters as they are none of yours or mines concerns.

When we women become emotional train wrecks….it’s dangerous you know mom. Let’s not make it a habit – I switch my emotions off so I don’t get hurt by you or anyone else. I saw you in embarrassing states and believe me – alcohol is not my best friend when I am emotional.

Mom, I just want to stop being attached or even submissive to men for a while. If this makes me into a big hole – I cannot say I just deserve it. I spent 3 year’s trying to get out of my past relationship. I tried in earnest not to be dependent on family memebers. Now you are terminally ill – I look like a disaster that was waiting to happen.

I don’t know – I cannot thank you. I just do not want men thinking I am some cold hearted witch, when I just wanted to remove myself from the chains of my possessive ex! I mean…. I am not playing games – I was in a real mess before and I felt like bursting into tears every 5 seconds when a lot of people kept dying around me. Now, you are terminally ill…. I just don’t know what you want from me.

We haven’t had the best mother and daughter relationship. My dad didn’t like talking about the birds and the bees. My first boyfriend – he is still one of my closest friends. You actually tried to tell me it’s not worth it. You confuse me…. I confuse me.

I am sick and tired of telling men:

“Sorry honey! It’s not you, it’s me!”

You had no positive thing to say to me. You just told me about how ill you were in the past or what accident you have been in. At least give me some advice or something, before, you give me the biggest wreck of all time. Couldn’t ask for a better moment.

I just think it is so sad because I will always never be able to recover from what had happened in my past. I am an emotional time bomb waiting to explode – I stress the emotional part because everyone is just so paranoid these day’s!

Sometimes, I just need a hug and I just need some tlc… or some company watching the TV or even walking my neighbours dog. People are people…. we all need something. We all need kindling with kindred spirits. I am sure you just said those things to hurt my spirits. I too am human also. Thank you for letting me know but the ability to not ruin every relationship I come across from now on is basically me. I know it – you definitely know it. I take full responsibility for arriving at the station with the steam bellowing out, due to being in extensive full throttle!

I sometimes feel you want me to fail so I would come running back with my tail in between my legs. Fat chance! I would rather have a hysterectomy than be around the confusion of what is based on our so called relationship. It’s like the coal was put on the fire and it hasn’t reached the maximum potential. The coal sits there without glowing an orange glow of radiant light. This is probably why my new and old relationships never worked.

You just don’t want to dish out some decent advice. It’s always been negative or you see me as a little woman but you are confused…. I don’t know but, heck sometimes – I just wish I was more prepared for the male species. The engine master threw the coal on to the fire and didn’t even wait for the coal to ignite some sparks… he just kept going.

I suppose I could always change what I say to them…. no I have used:

“I am not really looking for a relationship right now!”

“I am not the settling down type… try some other woman!”

“Just going to focus on my career because wow…. it’s the best thing ever!!!” ( feel the chill in the sarcasm!)

“I think maybe we should just be friends.”

So when I cried over my aunt having to deal with the situation and I didn’t cry over you because of the years of neglect; my tears never looked genuine. Oh the embarrassment of what looked like forced tears; or were they…. because of the doubts I had in my mind just meant I had to keep the engine masters thoughts of throwing more coal onto the situation: keep going – “Full steam ahead!” So, cheers great being a wreck. I think I was steaming when I sobbed which meant I had a huge hangover so my head felt like it was about to explode. I had to let it out.

Thank you…. I don’t really mind telling the rest of the world how you managed to be the most unsupportive person but expected all the support. I dislike it when people seriously let the most appalling times happen when everything is almost tranquil, because it is not possible to be so trained to not be emotional at a time like this. I think most people with honour or good intentions would sort of wince at our relationship; in the tragic termoil state – as they see its like a train wreck and so are my relationships with men.

Maybe I am just weird and wonderful. It doesn’t matter if you don’t understand; I feel what matters is actually recognising the “train wreck” moments, or, trials and tribulations and trying to actually avoid those disastrous moments.I just don’t want to end up drinking or being ridiculous – it makes me not bipolar at all. As everyone has to deal with rocky times. It makes me very cautious. I feel not every man would even comprehend how complex I feel at the moment. Maybe all I need is something simple. I don’t know – all I know is that it cannot continue to be this way of pretending that they also do not have feelings either. All because I have been so torn in more ways than one.

P.s I liked the good moments where you kind of said nothing at all and just were there.

All the best in your recovery by the way…. from weird and wonderful. Xxxxx