Not so much a choice

So yeah, I either eat the required amount or no exercise, right? Well, at the time I was so clear that I’ll just not exercise rather than eat.

But then I woke up today……

Here is how conniving eating disorders can be. Obviously I won’t be allowed to drop below a certain weight so fooling with that number is more or less off the table, although in all fairness I am lower than what my nutritionist will accept. But whatever. So, what’s the next best thing? Right, drop body fat %. In order to do that but still have the number on the scale remain the same I have to build more muscle, oh and appear normal. The thing is, the lower my body fat, the worse I look. I look horrid. It’s so funny to see people on YouTube looking good when they start losing too much weight. Um yeah, maybe that happens when you’re still young but have an eating disorder long enough and you start looking like me and that is not what you want to look like. At a certain point, 40 maybe, you lose all the collagen in your skin so when you lose weight, your skin doesn’t come along for the ride. Its just hangs there. I know, utterly disgusting but sadly true. It’s true about the face too. I mean, everyone knows that the worse you get, the older you look; something my doctor always liked to point out. Here’s a good word for it: haggard.

(slamming on the breaks, here comes a tangent) So when I was seeking treatment (again) in 2013 I had to go to my medical doctor to get all the usual tests. She is the most clueless person I know when it comes to eating disorders, wow. She asks me, “why would you do this to your body, don’t you know it will make you look old?” What do you say to that. “Thank’s Doc for making me feel worse about my appearance that I already do.” Then she tries to be helpful with, “how about just trying different kinds of food…” (insert caring concerned smile). Seriously??? And she lists some of the physical stuff that can result AS IF I CARE, sigh.

Okay, so here’s the thing with no exercise – I’ll gain fat! And that is my only back up plan. So now I have to eat. This how I justify it. Muscle burns more calories, right? It’s probably what got me so into fitness way back in the day. So even if I eat more, if I keep up my muscle density it won’t matter, right? Ugh, why can’t I let it go? I can hear my therapist in the back of my head asking, “why can’t you trust her (nutritionist)? She has over 30 years experience and isn’t going to let you get fat.” Yeah, that’s the million dollar question, plus, the thinner I get, the fatter I feel so her not letting me get fat is irrelevant when I think I am fat already. See what I mean? And now, my therapist is always bringing up how much money I am having to spend. Has she forgotten what a stressor money is for me? It drives me insane with stress. I am fully aware that I am paying almost $1200.00 a month cash to see her and my nutritionist. So staying in ED behavior is simply stupid, and it’s bad economically. My therapist won’t work on trauma stuff, you know, all the reasons that got me into this in the first place, unless I am compliant.

And, what’s so terrible about being compliant? I mean, seriously, this is demented. The nutritionist says 2000 calories, although she really wants me to eat much more but she wants me to at least get into the 2000s. So yesterday I managed 1978 and today I got to 1989. To me, that is 2000 so I’m exercising. However, she will not be happy. She knows that if she lets me stay under, even doing 1999, I win. Now tell me that isn’t just craziness. Why can’t I internalize that this isn’t a contest of wills but rather about life or death?

I know I can be compliant. I can feel that willingness just there, like just right outside the door so why don’t I do it? If I did, I could go back to working on with the hard stuff in therapy and finally get to where I can see both of them less often and actually pay my bills.

Well, here’s why – F E A R – what am I afraid of?

I’ll lose control.

My life will fall apart.

Everyone will discover I’m a fraud.

People will smile to my face but mock me behind my back for being fat and lazy.

I’ll be powerless.

I’ll wake up and discover I’ve been a huge fat cow all along.

I’m already ugly, the only thing going for me is being thin, so if I don’t have that….