I am approaching the phase in life where you really tell me what you think or you shut up.

It’s a bit ironic because I had mastered the art of saying the right things at most occasions. And it was really easy to do that.

All you have to do is literally give a fuck about what everyone else thinks and loves but you.

You’d be surprised how natural caring about someone else’s opinion becomes with years of practice.

You want to do this but your parents tell you do that.

You dream of this but society tells you ; you know , “sorry people from your economic class can’t achieve that. You are not that smart enough. You are not built for this. Worst of all , you are not that beautiful.”

All these experiences shape you to be this Yes man.

Avoid confrontation at all cost.

Maintain peace.

Not speak and do what you feel.

Or do what you want.

But with everything. I urge you. Please.

Speak your mind , why?. Because it is important.

You are your own representative. Imagine a court proceeding where the lawyer is incapable of standing for the defendant. Tragic.

Seriously, We hear so much about people’s success stories . But How in the world do they get there?

First things first.

Have you hydrated today?

Seriously, Have you?

Go Grab a glass of water, if you are like me add a flavor of your liking then we can dive into this post.( don’t forget to come back, seriously, please?)

The amount of time I’ve said seriously so far is off the charts already. But seriously.

In spirit of 2018 was when things changed GO GET IT FOR THE LAST TIME HUMAN. jeez. I resumed working out after the holidays and I was so worried that I would have to begin from scratch. It’s said you lose your strength and stamina after such a long pause. Also ones resistance to extreme body activity becomes shit altogether but while there is so much truth in the said statements. My body proved me otherwise.

So I go to a really small gym on campus. It’s close, cheap and ideal considering the tight schedule I have through out the semester. It is also under-equipped, over crowded sometimes and really inconvenient because every one is watching everyone ( or at least it feels that way). The latter used to be 90% why I postponed hitting the gym first few months as a newb but lately I have been more than comfortable.

I have gone FROM : Hey random guy/girl with whom my buttocks face your direction of sight can we co-exist? My squat is not perfect right now. So sorry. I shall proceed to do the abs work out in the meantime I’ll check my phone pretending I have my all my workouts written out with hopes you’ll hop onto the next machine so I can go back and squat in peace. Is all this too much to ask for. *Proceeds to wipe face and sip water , Sometimes check mirror to see the three minutes post work out gains*

TO: Hey there, (mild smile) you good bro/sis?. OK gotta beast , bye.

When I got at the gym today none of that had changed. Mondays are usually a LIIT Cardio days with additional workouts depending on how I feel. I expected the worst on the treadmill , while doing burpees and push up sets etc but LO! behold! I could run just as far as I did before with out too much exhaustion regardless of the fact that it took me longer than usual.

But I could.

My mind had tricked me.

Which got me thinking. How many other things has my mind been finessing me ?

The answer is so many , based on the logicality and practicality assessment of the situations done by yours truly.

I can’t tell the number of times where I postponed a work out based on how hard it would be for my body to get into it again. I have been building ladders up high to reach the top of a building when all I had to do was walk in and take the elevator.

This year I will do a 7 days a week cutting for 12 weeks with a weekly documentation of the journey. Well , here is where you think oh I want to do that too. I’m joking. But seriously, what’s the worse that could happen other than you are in a better shape mentally and physically at the end of each week.

If any one has done this, I would SO love to hear feed back on what worked for you and what didn’t . Additionally, I’ll share and overall sum up at the end of each week.

Dear, If you are going to do this , please do it at your own pace , challenge your self in the meantime but most importantly do it for you.

Say it louder for the people in the back and to your mind. This year is when all will change and don’t just wish it. Live it!

Is it just me or does time rocketeer especially as an adult. It is already the 24th of January lawd have mercy. When did this happen. Somebody explain.

First of all, Happy new year to you ,faithful visitor of my not so structured but meaningful blog (well it is, to me atleast) because it is the only platform where I spend ample of time to create, explore and express my inner most thoughts and share them with you.

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So, around the age of 8 , I remember having conversations with my mother commenting on why I felt I would never turn 18. I would always wonder how the slightly matured kids in the neighborhood and kids from our family friends made it that far. Thoughts like how did they get to be so lucky rummaged through my mind and it felt as though going through a million years to get to 18 years was inevitable.

Whenever I had to explain the reason to my desire for age advancement so badly, I wrapped the answer under the package: so that I could be more helpful in the family ? However, deep down I know I wanted to take control of my life. The eight years old girl would tell you she was tired of her parents having to decide every aspect of her life; friends, outfits, meals, sleep overs and nap times. The 21 year old me now confesses that I just want to take control of my life.

There is only a handful of actions or results that i’ve sort of engineered through out my growth process. Everything else has just been a product of fate, destiny, the universe or however you may call it. While living life to the fullest and letting it throw you whatever it can because you are a strong and independent woman seems ideal, I want to be in control a few things here onwards.

SOO

I wrote this post over the course of three weeks .

So much has happened in between the three weeks and a little before that. Every time I would jot in a few sentences I would also change the date in the header.

That’s how much I’ve been slacking.

Ironic enough, I’ve done this for almost every activity in my life at the moment except sleeping. Ladies and gentlemen, I have been a potato recently, a thriving potato. I made 10 steps forward and moved -100 back. I am at worse point in life. I don’t even recognize this place because I have never been here before.

This entry wont be about where I f*cked up rather, what I’ll be doing every next minute of my life moving forward. It hurts to make so much progress and squander it all in the snap of a finger. Saying it hurts is an understatement.

Saying it is a mixture of terrible pain, lack of motivation and hope, borderline depression in a tank of devastation would not encapsulate it either.

So enough wailing. Let’s get right into it.

I wont be upset about the attention I am not getting from anyone if I am not giving any to my self. I won’t be upset about not getting attention period.

I am broken. I will make an effort to fix my self every other minute of my life. Even If it is pep-talking my self through random thoughts.

If It doesn’t make me a better person, give me inner peace I don’t f*cking want it. I Do Not.

I need to carry my shit, open it up , work on it and get it together. There will be no MORE pauses. No commercial breaks.

I’ll be faithful and consistent with my grind. I will seek for help no matter how shattering that is to my ego.

I’ll take control of my life. Less dependence on fate, destiny and the universe.

More soul, body and spirit construction.

I know it is going to be a big leap to reach to where I want to be.

But..

2018 WAS when everything changed.

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8. I dont want to speak things into existence. I want to Do things and GROW.

I would be lying to you if I said I haven’t mastered the art of letting my self down having lived with my self for over 21 years.

It is getting to a point where the failure to check out my new year’s to do list at the end of every year feels more like who I am and who I should be. As opposed to being consistent , committed and devoted to the goals I set out to achieve.

It is almost disheartening until I tell you a few experiences that led to me confidently choose to ignore the well celebrated tradition and accept that maybe I don’t need to do this every beginning of the year. This way I can avoid choking on the list two weeks later and withdrawal symptoms from my highly addictive mediocre lifestyle.

January 11 2017, I had my friend take photos of me in what was yoga pants and a bra so I could see what other people see when they eye contact the fat on my body. I resolved to under go a 12 weeks body transformation which before you assume this is a successful transformation story. Trust me its far from it.

I didn’t begin serious fitness until June 2017 when the guy I liked( Long story short he loved me but couldn’t be with me) posted a photo with his chosen one. Upon seeing my boy with the girl that had trapped the heart of a guy I thought would be my lover It hurt. And It hurt in ways I don’t know how to explain until this day. I felt unworthy, ugly and undeserving. So I hit the gym 5 days a week for the 12 week body transformation I postponed in January with the hopes that some day I’ll show him what he lost (More like rub it on him through social media but hey I am not that petty, am I ?)

In the beginning of my journey I managed to burn a multitude of calories, drop a few tears at the stair mill simply by the thought of the said picture. I was really committed to my plan and the idea of rubbing my new body on his face through social media brought me closer to my goals. Eventually, I lost a lot of fat. I looked better. But I was still hurt.

With time, I separated the feelings of hurt from my fitness journey because I somehow fell in love with the process. My life revolved around working out. Heck I’d rather miss a class but not a session at the gym .I became addicted.

I want you to see this transition. Pay close attention to my mindset and how that helped me stay in tune with my goal. I am not saying you have to be heartbroken to execute a goal. Rather, I want you to focus on the underlying principle. You need to have a “why” for the said grind and not just the good ol cliche whys like ones I have had before eg. better future, good grades, stunning body etc. Why? Because they are too vague. There is a reason why you want a better future for me its always been to alleviate all forms of my financial dependence. Find a reason that strikes your emotion and makes you feel all sorts of uncomfortable but always remember to make it for you. My why just happened to be a blessing in disguise but wouldn’t recommend setting your why around a person.

I am learning that I don’t need the new year to make goals a reality. I need every day. I am training my body ,soul and mind to make mindful decisions and do every thing necessary to reach whatever I want to achieve. I have small checkpoints every other day to assess whether I am on track. Most of the time, I am not and I have to remind my self why it is important and we good.

I am happy that I wont have to jot anything down on new year’s eve because every day I grind closer and closer to MY goals for ME.