Jason's Blog

LEMON NINJA!!! (Valentine's Day Blues?)

by Jason,posted Feb 14 2011 7:32AM

Did somebody break your heart, put you in a bad mood, or have hurt your feelings? If so, I am here to help.
Everyone has heard the phrase “when life gives you lemons, make lemonade”. Me? I don’t think that phrase goes far enough.
I say when life gives you lemons you should freeze the lemons until they are rock hard…like, well, rocks! Then you should put on all black clothing...like a ninja. Oh wait, first you should buy some dry ice and put it in a cooler. Put the already frozen lemons in the cooler. THEN put on your ninja costume. If you can't find an authentic ninja costume, as most costume stores are closed for the season, you can use black sweatpants, black sweatshirt, black ski mask, black gloves, black socks, and black shoes. You can blacken your eyes and any showing skin with mascara. It's not authentic ninja, but it will work.
Ok, back to the frozen lemons in the cooler that is filled with dry ice. You will also need to spray paint the cooler black. I'd suggest getting some spray paint from Home Depot. WARNING: Do not wear the Ninja clothes to Home Depot, or you will be arrested on suspicion of a crime. (Lowes also works in place of Home Depot)
Put on the ninja outfit (authentic, or homemade), and carry your black cooler full of frozen lemons and dry ice.
Find the person who is giving you trouble and causing the bad day. Hide in a bush by their front door. When they walk out, open your cooler as quietly as you can. THINK NINJA! Grab a frozen lemon. THROW IT AT THEM!* Then throw another lemon at him!*Pelt the a**hole with frozen lemons until they are on the ground begging for mercy.* When they are begging for you to stop, you should whip out some sort of catch phrase, which should be said in a character voice as to protect your identity. I suggest a Scottish accent because it's not very Ninja like and hard to explain to police that a Ninja with a Scottish accent assaulted you with frozen lemons.
Your catch phrase can be something simple like "You have been served," or can be an animal like yell. For example, as the victim is laying there, begging for mercy, you can simply put a fist in the air, and scream out "LEMON NINJA"! Then run away.
When you get home, you need to take off your ninja clothing and let the lemons thaw. Then, put on your favorite TV show, and relax with a glass of lemonade. You deserve it. That bad guy jerk, a**hole ex, or insensitive idiot savant won't bother you again!
(*This blog entry was written for entertainment purposes. Please do not assault anybody with frozen lemons)