If Sex and the City got really real.

Tag: belt

Kinky sex can be a very intimidating thing for people, and rightly so. The concept of introducing whips, belts, biting, scratching and violent fantasies into your sex life is daunting. There are a number of different things you have to consider before embarking on a more kinky sex life, and I wanted to cover a few of these in this article.

Personally, I enjoy the incorporation of violence and violation into my sex life. I have had sexual fantasies about sexual abuse and violation from my adolescence. I always felt like this made me strange or sick in the head. It hasn’t been until very recently – with the help of an open-minded sexual partner – that I have become able to explore these fantasies and bring them into the bedroom. It is very exposing for me to talk about these fantasies but I wanted to write about them as there are many other people who have previously found themselves in the same situation: wanting the kink and not knowing how the fuck to approach it!

I’m going to structure this post a little differently than normal and, instead of having questions, I just wanted to talk openly about how I have ventured into the kinkier side of sex and offer some food for thought to those wanting to do the same.

Since I was very young, my sexual fantasies have never been your classic ‘I met a boy and then we kissed and then we had really nice sex and he told me he loved me’ etc. No, my sexual fantasies have always swayed toward the darker side of things and I spent years trying to repress them. From adolescence I would have fantasies of abuse, violation, abduction etc. I would also often have Stockholm Syndrome-style abuse fantasies, where a singular person or group would kidnap me but I would develop a loving feeling towards them, despite them being my abuser.

However, I spent years suppressing these fantasies and having very ‘normal’ kinds of sex with my partners over the years. It wasn’t until I broke up with my last long term boyfriend, did I feel that the fantasies were overcoming me a little and that I was now old enough to feel fully comfortable embracing my kinkier side.

However, I had never tried any of this in practice and the only times people had tried to get kinky with me previously, I had been in the midst of trying to repress my dark sexual fantasies, so I wasn’t able to enjoy it at all.

Therefore, I never thought of myself as being someone who would enjoy pain during sex. It wasn’t until I started sleeping with James (see Going Poly: Why I Have Multiple Romantic Partners. and Threesome and chill?) that I started to become more open to the idea. James is a dominant and I knew from the first time we slept together that he was holding back with me. I knew that he liked inflicting pain, spanking, whipping, biting, etc. and I wanted to explore this with him as I am always open to catering for my sexual partners kinks. However, I was worried immediately about how far I could go with it and if it would damage our sex life if we were just into two totally different kinds of sex.

However, I quickly realised that sleeping with James would enable me to explore the fantasies of violation and domination that had been plaguing my mind since I was old enough to get that tingling feeling. I decided I would bite the bullet and agree to try out some more kinky stuff with him. Within a week my arse and back were permanently covered in bruises, welts and scars and I was starting to really enjoying being a submissive in bed. I now even get a little disappointed if I don’t have an array of purple marks over me after we fuck.

So, how did I get into this? Well, the first couple of times we got kinky I was a little drunk and let my inhibitions go a little bit. We, of course, had spoken about it sober and James knew that I was willing to try and that he wasn’t taking advantage of me being drunk. However, having the benefit of your senses being numbed a little by alcohol is definitely a plus.

Another thing that really helped me ease into kinky sex was talking to James about it a lot before and agreeing that we would start out very small and build our way up to it. I remember lying on the bed, him standing over me with belt in hand and me saying ‘start out light, like so light that it’s ridiculous’. We both laughed, but honestly, starting out excessively lightly with biting, spanking, scratching or whipping is a great way to gage how much you or your partner can handle.

In terms of coping with the pain, my mechanism is less about making the pain go away and more about learning to like the pain. Some people really just aren’t into feeling pain during sex and that is fine, you don’t have to have this kind of sex. But, for those of you that do, but are a little scared of feeling pain, I have a tip for you.

Remember why you’re doing it! You’re doing this because you want to feel bad and punished! Say in your mind why they’re doing it, say why you’ve been a bad girl/boy, tell yourself you deserve it. A fun game me and James play is, when we’re out in public before going home together, he’ll keep a tally of all the times I’ve earned a spanking e.g. if I make fun of him or if I say something rude (this is obviously all a power play for sexual purposes, not emotional abuse!) and then at the end of the night he’ll tell me how many I’ve earned and count them down. I find it incredibly hot and it also provides a fun structure to our sex play.

Allowing the kink to transcend slightly into everyday life outside of the bedroom is fun also. Feeling your boyfriend slyly put his hand up your skirt under a table at dinner and whisper ‘you’re getting punished tonight’ is so incredibly sexy. Obviously, this is something you need to be a little bit sneaky with, but that’s part of the fun!

Positions are another very important for me. For example, I love being bent over James’ lap when he’s whipping or spanking me as it really works with my love of power plays. But, personally I wouldn’t be a huge fan of being standing up when I’m getting spanked or whipped. Of course, when it comes to actual penetrative sex there are certain positions that enable kink a little more e.g. being fucked from behind enables for more spanking/choking than missionary.

Also, kinky sex, however brutal, is a very intimate experience. I personally have found it more intimate than any archetypical ‘loving’ sex I have had with people. So, during sex like this, I really like to use a lot of eye contact. This can be a little daunting but is a very good way to make the sex intense in multiple ways. I’ve also found eye contact to be a good way of telling if the person you’re having sex with is really the person you want to be fucking. I often find my eyes wander or close when I’m with someone I’m only slightly attracted to, but I hold their gaze if I am really enjoying fucking them.

Now, something fairly obvious to some but nevertheless significant I wanted to cover is safe words! Yes okay, they may seem like a strange foreign concept that would be odd and awkward to incorporate into sex. But, they are so important when it comes to safely exploring kinky sex with a partner. As somebody who gets off massively on role playing violation and abuse fantasies, words like ‘no’ and ‘stop’ are normally part of the role play so choosing a safe word that has no relation to anything you’re doing in bed is essential. However, it’s a different story when you’re being choked and can’t speak, so me and my partner employ a ‘double tap’ method for if I need him to loosen his grip a bit. I find this pretty hilarious as it’s the same technique used by MMA fighters, except they’re not being choked from behind by a skinny hipster.

Another important thing, as always, is communication. I recently tried anal sex for the first time and of course I was absolutely terrified. It was like losing my virginity all over again. The only thing that made me comfortable with it was how much James talked me through it and made me feel totally fine with going back on my decision (not that I did!) With something that intense and potentially very painful, it’s so vital to talk to each other throughout, even if it’s just a courteous ‘is that okay?’ or ‘no, too hard’. We’re all adults and you should never feel any pressure to perform like a porn star and deny that anything ever hurts. I mean for god sake, I had a nine inch cock in my arse, if that didn’t hurt or at least feel weird I think there would be something a little wrong with me!

Which brings me to a quick few notes on getting it in your arse:

Relax god dammit, make a huge effort to relax your muscles

Lie on your front with a pillow under your hips, I wouldn’t recommend doggy style straight away because the position makes you clench up

DO NOT have anal sex if you don’t have any lubricant, this is a very silly idea

Get your sexual partner to finger you anally with lube first and also put it around the entrance as well as on their penis (or strap on if applicable)

Go very slowly and make sure you breathe

Employing all of these techniques, I actually found anal sex really enjoyable and will definitely be giving it a regular appearance in the bedroom.

There is a lot of ways to enjoy kinky sex, so don’t feel like you have to be into all of them or feel as though you’re boring for not enjoying certain styles. The most vital aspect of kinky sex is to have a partner you trust and deeply enjoy sex with. Make sure that they know your boundaries and that you are comfortable with telling them when to draw the line. So, get your belts out, get your whipping on and get feeling like a bad girl. You’ve earned it!