2015 was an amazing year. I was just into my 2nd month of a new IT consulting career, something I had been thinking about for years and my husband (fiancé at the time), was deep into his new job that ended our long distance relationship AND it was a coaching job at our alma mater (we both met there and we also did track and field so it was an extra special job). And the best part of it all, we were to be married that summer! July 10th, 2015 was a beautiful sunny summer day and we exchanged vows in front of our nearest and dearest. Then it was off to party party party on our Cancun honeymoon before the best was to begin![Read more…]

Luke and I were expecting a baby on Thanksgiving Day 2015 (well, the 24th but my ovulation was two days later than a 28 day cycle so the 26th if being exact on Thanksgiving Day). We were excited. A little nervous maybe about cultural response to our big family, but so happy to meet another little one. I was leery about the pregnancy though…I can’t really put my finger on it since I had normal symptoms and no abnormal ones. I just felt like there were so many things that could go wrong (which has always been true of pregnancy) even though I’ve never been a nervous person while expecting a baby. I ordered natural nail polish…that I didn’t like very much. I got protein powder just for pregnancy which cost too much in retrospect. I ordered a home use fetal doppler monitor so Luke and I could find the heartbeat and hear it the same time (normally I get to hear it solo at appointments because he is watching the other kids). Worried pregnant lady things like that. We tried to find the heartbeat several times, but at 9 weeks, we still couldn’t find it and that made me even more nervous because, even though the doppler I got was cheap, Luke’s education as a Emergency medicine physician was not and he knows how to use one. I put it all out of my mind while Luke and I enjoyed some time away in NYC together without the kids. Then I had an appointment on April 30th around 11 weeks after we arrived back home.

It has taken me 2 years to write this and share it with the world [at time of submission].

We had been trying for our second child for about 6 months and were starting to get frustrated. In December, we decided to take a break and since we were going away for Christmas, it would be a good time to de-stress. We came home on December 26th. I felt kind of off the whole trip so since I was late, I took a test expecting another disappointing result. To our utter shock, we saw the single most beautiful word you could see on a test result, “Pregnant.” To say we were thrilled would be an extreme understatement.

My life changed forever the moment I saw those two pink lines. My life changed forever again 7 weeks later when we found out that our first child had no heartbeat. I can honestly say that it was the worst day of my life so far. Although it is hard, I hope that sharing my story can give people an honest look into miscarriage and can help someone else who is going through their own loss.