OPEN LETTER TO ATIKU ABUBAKAR, GCON

Hello, sir. I am sure you are fine. You have to be fine. You are a big man. Big men in Nigeria are fine. They are only disturbed when they have to deceive very ignorant Nigerians like me with a charade in the name of representing the interest of the poor and unfortunate. Anyway, this isn’t about that.

Today, on my way from a radio programme in Port Harcourt, you crossed my mind. Chai. How could you? You are not a pretty Nigerian woman with very heavenly designed features. I wouldn’t have minded. But when someone like oga Atiku does that, I become a bit uneasy.

Now that you are not President, sir, what will happen to your many wonderful ideas and the many Nigerian youths you employed to be on Twitter and Facebook to sing your praises and to announce what a caring father and husband you have been? I must commend the graphic designer who worked with you. The young man or woman is quite creative. He stole so many social media updates, appended same to your professionally shot photos and shared them as your thoughts. I am not saying you are not smart enough to say some of those fine things but you have to prove it, not by hugging a Buhari or directing a demented youth to write an update and channel it to Linda Ikeji for decimation. Hold on sir, do you know Ms Ikeji? Ah. You should oh. She’s been quite famous. If you have your image on her blog with a crazy title, you would be cursed and loved by jobless citizens who are rewarded month with huge sums. I would curse and love you too if you appeared there.

You are a nice guy, sir. Yes, I believe you are. And don’t prove me wrong. It has always been the case with Nigerian leaders. What I have not come to terms with is your obsession with the presidency. Choi. You are one kind of a man. Jisos and Jehovah put hands together in creating you. And sadly, people like you would quote Abraham Lincoln and his failures but that guy had a clear cut aim. Anyway, he is in the past now. What I mean is; if you want the so-called ‘Change’ in Nigeria, you must not necessarily be the leader of a country to implement it. How come you can’t train a younger man and give him your ideas and ideals and allow him fly? You could become the change agent from your large bedroom. Hahaha. You were thinking I would say ‘tiny’ right? Am I mad? How can you have a tiny bedroom? You are a big man ni.

Okay, back to your ambition. I truly admire your tenacity, to always give it a try, despite the obvious indications that you wouldn’t become anything more that the former Vice President of the Federal Republic of Nigeria, which is not a small fit. You had a fun time with that author and comic character called Olusegun Obasanjo. I like him. He was your boss. You should like him too. I learned he spared some sacred pages in his new book to describe how sexy your ego drove you to working against him and so on. You know, I love that your former boss. He is ever righteous. No one is as clean as he is. And that is commendable. I am not sure his age is doing any drama on his senses but we love him. He keeps us alive with laughter. He is brilliant too but usually bored and old. But I won’t buy his book. He is high to think I would spare my meal money to buy his super expensive book after he ruined

Nigeria, after he wrecked Odi and his many romance with Peter Odilli, a man whose aim was to learn the act of skipping with Rivers’ resources.

Sir, you have investments in Nigeria. I like that. Can you make the many dreams in your head a reality with proceeds from your company? Can you fix up entrepreneurship contest and drive innovative ideas with resources from your pocket? And I am so sure that you have powerful friends. What about trying fundraising, to shame the current government, by raising funds to fix the East/West Road in the Niger Delta? That would score you some political marks. This is what politics is about; getting ahead. We should do it with decorum and this shouldn’t come by trading words that we can’t take back but outdoing each other in projects. Imagine you, sir, sponsoring at least two young people from the 36 states to Lagos or Cape Town, to a film school. Sir, trust me, when you want to campaign, these 72 youths would redefine such for you.

I am an undergraduate. Yes, I am. I am sure you have a foundation. Have you thought of a hangout with selected youths from across Nigeria? This would work. Let us have tea with you and bring our ideas to the table. This would really do your team a great service. I know that I am not sounding respectful to you but I admire you and wouldn’t mind working with you but then, you have to take your head off the anus of a cow. Yes. I think you have been working blindly or you have been seeking undue attention. Yes, attention. That thing could be a bastard. I seek same from my girlfriend. The babe who says she loves me would not like my comment on her photo despite how high I praise her sexiness or creativity. In that realm, we are pathetic, you and I, sir.

The Nigerian youths are becoming more powerful than before. We are becoming very angry too. But sir, I want to ask a question oh. Do you watch international news? Have you heard of Brinsley? Yes. That man who took laws into his hands in the United States few days ago and shot two police officers? Yes. This country is gearing towards such time when youths would have to eliminate older threats and embrace the demon in themselves. Your generation hasn’t done us much good. And we don’t wish to complain so another generation doesn’t spring up and point same accusing fingers at us.

If you watch MTV and Sound City you would see that quite a number of Nigerian youths are exasperated. They hop into a nearby makeshift studio and drink so much cough syrup, lose balance and with a bell in hand, they ring and shout and package the bullshit and we dance to it and buy. It is better than expecting people like you, once public office holders, who decided to watch us and become amuse instead of exploring our strength and bettering same with meaningful projects.

Do you know why a Jonathan may win an election again in Nigeria? Ehmm, should I give you time to think up something? The man, despite his weaknesses, has embraced the youths, using Nollywood and the music industry. He has brought young people into agriculture. He listens to contemporary Nigerian songs. Obasanjo does not have any Nigerian track on his iPad. He listens to Bob Marley yet he writes a book and wants my generation to read his gibberish, of him talking about how horny he is and how he fell out with his friends as if that exonerates him in anyway. Who does that?

I have a book reading today, sir. If I keep talking to you, I won’t sell copies and I would starve and die and it won’t remove a dime from your many bank accounts. And too, Harmattan is here. I have to get lotion to oil my dry skin. I currently look like a cave man. I hope we keep in touch.