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7 Gift Ideas For The Emotionally Abusive Father Who Likes Golf

Children often really struggle for gift ideas year after year for their parents. I mean, what do you get the man who has everything excepting a son about whom they can express pride? We’re here to help. Here are some ideas for that special guy in your life you bring up at therapy constantly.

1. Home Putting Game, $19.99

What better way to remind Dad that he raised someone with no interest in athletics whatsoever than to purchase something called “Golf Sport Game?” That this gift is technically for children will show Dad how little thought you put into it. Maybe he can use this to play with his grandchildren someday if you’d ever give him some.

2. Divot Repair Tool, $15.95

This divot repair tool is handy for Dad to obey proper etiquette on the golf course. While Emily Post didn’t explicitly rule on whether or not making the jerk-off motion during your entire graduation ceremony is considered gauche, divot repair is essential to a gracious round of golf. Your relationship with the man who raised you may be beyond repair, but those unsightly scuffs on the putting surface are not.

3. Golf Ball Monogrammer, $18.95

While Dad sorely regrets bestowing the moniker Junior onto you, he’ll still appreciate this custom ball monogrammer. Every time he gazes at his initials handsomely imprinted on his Titleists he can be reminded that you ditched the family name to take the surname of your bride, an act you claim to ascribe to modernity when we all know you were being super passive aggressive.

4. Caged Golf Ball Wooden Puzzle, $13.95

After another Christmas Eve dinner where Dad berates your mother for any genetic deficiencies he’s identified in you, let him unwrap this metaphor disguised as a gift. Of course, you could replace the golf ball with a miniaturized approximation of your head and the symbolism might still be too opaque for the old man. More likely it will be greeted with a chorus of one of Dad’s favorite Yuletide hymns, “Look what the shit-bird got me this year.”

5. Golf Retirement Countdown Clock, $9.95

Ostensibly this can be used for your father to look forward to a time when he can golf a lot more frequently, but for you this is clearly a mortality egg-timer. If the sick joy you’ll get from gifting a freaking paternal death-clock can’t get you through a home holiday visit, nothing will.

6. Top 10 Golfers Personalized Mouse Pad

Hate someone? Get them a mouse pad. Have an emotionally abusive father who likes golf? Get him this mouse pad. Cruelly reminding dear old Dad that he barely can use a computer at all, at least this mouse pad is functional, unlike your adult relationship with him. Bonus points for customizing his entry with your new last name.

7. Golf Swing Analyzer for iPhone and iPad, $129.95

This swing analyzer will take Dad into the 21st century whether or not his attitudes ever accompany him. Remember that time your father dragged you on the course to give you a swing lesson and you ran off screaming you prefer dance class? Your father’s friends sure do, and they never forget to mention it during their weekly foursome. This is a great gift to try and grab on Black Friday (the big retail sales promotions, not Dad’s nickname for the dinner where you declared you were vegan).