House Rules for Rock Paper Scissors

I understand that Scissors can beat Paper and I get how Rock can beat Scissors, but there’s no way Paper can beat Rock. Is the Paper supposed to magically wrap around Rock leaving it immobile? Why the hell can’t Paper do this to Scissors? Screw Scissors, why can’t Paper do this to people? Why aren’t sheets of college ruled notebook Paper constantly suffocating students as they attempt to take notes in class? I’ll tell you why, because Paper can’t beat anybody, a Rock would beat that shit up in seconds. When I play Rock/Paper/Scissors, I always choose Rock. Then when somebody claims to have beaten me with their Paper I can punch them in the face with my already clenched fist and say, “Oh shit, I’m sorry. I thought the Paper would protect you, you asshole.”
Strow