Sunday, February 23, 2014

Is New Age All It's Cracked Up to Be?

Ok, so I'm taking my
husband to work. On the radio is some guy telling me how I can improve my
life through my thoughts. How I can make my intentions come true if I only
change my thinking from negative to positive basically. I realize it's Wayne Dyer
discussing his book "The Power of Intention."

I'm hooked, so I listen
after I drop the husband off. On the way to a department store, and while Dyer
is talking, I'm telling myself, "I've got to turn my negatives into
positives. I'll start right away." So when I get to the store, I say a
quick meditation in the car that I'll have a positive shopping experience,
which, for the most part I did.

To make sure the Universe
was taking note, I even picked up stray clothing on the floor and put it back
on the rack. The best part was taking a pair of 13 Junior jeans into the
dressing room and having enough room left over that I could have bought an 11. The new me was undeterred when I couldn't find an 11 and ended up settling on the size 13.

From the little bit I
learned from Wayne Dyer from the time I dropped my husband off to the time I
made it to the department store, (roughly fifteen minutes of the 'new me') I'm
thinking the Universe could have rewarded me by finding me an 11, but I cut it
some slack seeing as I didn't want to upset the apple cart over anything so trivial as a pair of jeans.

Instead, I turned that negative
into a positive by telling myself I can now have that piece of cake that has
been staring at me from the fridge for the past two days. So far so good. Maybe
I was getting the hang of it after all.

Ok, so then I decided to make my way over to the
supermarket and get stuff for dinner.

Well, folks, either the affirmations I did in
the parking lot didn't take, or the Universe is just not ready for me to be a
happy soul, because on my way to the store, a woman cut me off in traffic and
then waved me off...thus the first FU from my mouth..."oops...calm
down," I tell myself.

"You are sending too
much negative energy your way."

Calmly, I made my way to
the store, bought my groceries, and was wheeling the cart to my car when
another woman in a huge truck almost backed right into me--yup, inches from
death, I scream out "WTF? You almost hit me you crazy ...mffmph..." I
tried (honest I did) to stuff the words back into my mouth without much
success.

I'm not sure how, but my new-found enlightenment
was taking an ugly turn for the worse. When I got home, I started dinner. Not
only did I burn the potatoes, but the asparagus as well, as I went online to
write this story before I 'lost it' forever. I'm sorry, but what good is the
Universe if it doesn't send gentle reminders my way that my food is about to
catch fire?

Bottom line...I'm not sure
Dr. Dyer is living in the same world as me. I can try all I want, but something
keeps jumping in front of me and begging me to curse at it. WTF? Dyer? WTF?

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I am officially a writer now, having been published in a book titled "The Net's Best Satire, Vol. I, on sale through Kindle and Barnes & Noble Nook, as well as having several of my stories published in the well-known Satire Magazine, Humor Times. My stories also appear on a couple of satire websites, including, the Spoof, Glossy News and HumorTimes.com. I found my funny voice and I am bringing it to you through my blogs. I hope you enjoy what you read and come back often.

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