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Internet Will Soon Be Only Accessible Through ‘Halo 5’ REQ Packs

The repeal of net neutrality regulations in the United States has provoked the joy of telecommunication companies and the ire of online startups. However, 343 Industries is reportedly making the most of the change and is ushering in measures to seize the internet and make it accessible through Halo 5: Guardians REQ Packs, according to unnamed sources from within the company.

Speaking on the condition of anonymity, the source said: “REQ packs have offered an enormous revenue opportunity with little cost for the company. However, with Halo 5‘s popularity among consumers waning, and the development team for Halo 6 fallen into another dimension, the profit from REQ packs is fading. We plan to use Cortana to take over the internet, lock it down, and offer access to random websites through Halo 5 REQ Packs.”

As if this weren’t exciting enough for Halo fans, the source elaborated: “Every time you open a Gold REQ pack in Halo 5, you will get a 10% chance of having 10 days of access to one, random website. Just by playing Halo 5 or paying us $3.99, you could unlock temporary access to websites such as Google, Facebook, eelslap.com, and even PornHub. This innovative new feature has been made possible not only from beaming Cortana in from another dimension, but also from the selfless actions of the noble FCC director, Ajit Pai, and his recent repeal of the heavy-handed net neutrality regulations.”

Are you ready to jump back into Halo 5: Guardians? The takeover of the internet is expected to be formally announced by New Year’s.