Last year, between the two of us, we watched an average of 317 movies.This year our goal is to top that by watching at least one a day.And as an extra special torture, we've decided to write about all of them.

11 April 2008

See No Evil, dir. Gregory Dark (2006)

NIKKI says:Apart from my oft-mentioned addcition to baaad horror movies, I wanted to see this one simply because The Condemned, another WWE Films production, was so enjoyable. I had a sneaky feeling this, too, would be smart and satirical, with Kane sending up his status as a mad wrestling machine, as Steve Austin did so well in the other movie.

Well, how wrong I was. See No Evil appeared to take itself quite seriously. I think we were actually supposed to be scared of all the goings on. Instead, we were simply amused. Or, we may have been amused if we cared to be anything at all.

The gist? A group of hot prisoners (already your disbelief is well-suspended) are sent to a big old mansion on day release (I assume) to help an old woman tidy up. Before the prisoners (all about 20, all in suspiciously non-regulation hot clothes) do any work at all, they settle in for the night. One showers, two get it on, another looks for a escape hatch. Soon, though, the reverie is disturbed by giant marauding Kane, who catches his hot, young prey with a giant hook attached to a chain.

As expected, the kids start dying off one by one until the remaining few realise something is up and attempt to rescue their friend who Kane has locked in a cage.

Throughout, Kane has flashbacks to his own childhood locked in a cage. His mother tells him all about dirty pillows and sinful, lusty kids who need wiping out. Kane, she believes, is the Hand of God, eradicating sinners from the world. Quite an elaborate scheme she cooks up, though, with the prisoners. No seeking out hookers on Main Street for Kane.

Kane like to gouge eyes out, too.

So, it all goes downhill where it never really went uphill so bad storytelling becomes worse as the thing progresses. The kids become more annoying, the revelation about the old woman and Kane is just dumb, and the eventual killing of Kane is downright disappointing because by the end of it, I was hoping Kane would win. He'd killed his insane mother in order to save one of the girls, and then he was eventually overthrown by a guy who earlier in the piece threw something at the head of a stray dog. Who's my hero again?

Confusing, really, that I should be made to feel sympathetic towards poor, tortured Kane, and then feel good when he gets a pole through the head. Indicative, I guess, that the writers here had no idea what they were doing. It's world's removed from The Condemned.

.5/5

STEVE says:I did not expect See No Evil to be any good at all, and in that regard it did not disappoint. A horror movie produced by the WWE, with zero star-power and helmed by a former porn director, in my book, is the absolute definition of poor quality. It was destined to suck.

And suck it did. But then you've got to get into degrees of suckitude. Was it worse than 7eventy-5ive? No, clearly not. The story, while heavy on cliché, was at least coherent. And porn director or not, Gregory Dark knows not to close in on three empty pizza boxes to get the point across. Was it worse than Prom Night? Yes, but in different ways and for different reasons. Death Row? Hmm... unknown cast heads into spooky prison/hotel (or other convenient single-set location), are attacked by ghosts/ax-wielding creep (or what have you), and only three make it out alive. Yes, that's about the level we're looking at here.

But in the end, does it really matter? Each of these movies only received .5 ratings, so are any really either better or worse than any others? You could argue either way, but it would only waste more time than has already been wasted just watching the movies.

Hey, at least we watched a half-decent movie before blowing our evening on this one.

Our Rating System

November Wrap-Up!

November was a weird month. Funny, too, how upon the closing of Horror Month (October), we began November with, well, about five horror movies. That shows just how addicted we are to anything remotely blood-spattered.

Looking over the month's movies, nothing there really impressed us all that much. We revisited a lot this month, and even some of the revisits left us cold. Steve had issues with his one-time beloved Fire Walk With Me, and I was shocked at the lack of emotion raised in me by my formerly uber-beloved Alice Doesn't Live Here Anymore. Steve re-did The Shining and still didn't like it. And I watched Assassins in a lonely hotel room and forgot what it once was I liked about that one. Praise be, then, to The 40-Year-Old Virgin -- the one revisit this month that made us laugh just as much as the first time around.

So, a Top 10 list is hard for this month. But I think if I pick through the bones, I'll find some goodies:

Top 5 Good New Movies 1. Black Water2. The Signal3. Dead Set

Okay, so there were only THREE. Wow. And all horror movies, go figure. Well, let's shoot for a WORST list and see if we can crack five:

Top 5 Bad New Movies 1. Funny Games (worst movie of the year)2. They're Among Us (why why why did we do this?)3. Headspace (why why why did STEVE do this?)4. Redacted (DePalma fails)5. Step-Brothers (fucking hell)

Hmm, not all horror movies, at least, but definitely horrible. Here's to a much more interesting final month...