Monday, August 7, 2017

Be a little kinder than you have to.

it was a shit day; you dropped your bag and came to me directly; your body, your face, your hair, your neck are all sticky; you can come here and shower with me; you complain about the traffic; you still made it; before 8; we did not wait; we were all over each other; you said you had a shit day; seeing me becomes the best part of the day; you said you always will know when you get up whether a day is going to be shit or no shit day; you are normally right; we talked randomly about work; a little about us; more about how we feel of each other; how we miss one another; how you think i am important; how you like that i remember small thing that means a lot to you; like the book i gave you; how i like the smell of your perfume even after a long day; how you can feel me all over; how this is not the type of good thing that you experienced; this is something different; something more intimate; more intense; more explosive; how i say we should not say perfect or awesome anymore; i feel the moment when we hit the point it is hard to describe and we felt us both at that very point each time where we can push even further until it really hurts; we went out for dinner after realise all the other options take too long; simple dinner; we joke around; more than ever; lightheartedly; you do not want to let me go; you do not think you have the right to; i do not own you; you said i am a good person although i do not feel so; too many things in my mind; we were talking about plan; you did not want to lie to me; and yet you do not have to share it all; you did because i insisted; i should have noticed when you just mumbling the words; i am too stupid to realise; too slow to notice; when you are into someone; it makes you do stupid things; im cool with it; surely she deserves this; you have planned this for 3 months and should have gotten it 3,4 years ago; now is the time; she will be on the right and i am on the other side; it was a real stupid joke but that did not make you an asshole; funny how just one line; that all it takes; i fall into this instant silence awkward moment; tear streamed down my face uncontrollably; it changes everything; you hope you did not break anything; you have already did; things will not go back to its original form; it saddens me when too many truth came out; that it makes me cry; that hated it that i am weak; vulnerable; sensitive; emotional; all in a matter of one month; i lost it; it used to take longer; i do not mind that you hiding from me the fact that you do not need to tell me all; i am more afraid that when i know too much and when it is time to let go i will not be able to; it is no longer about the right or entitlement of when do we get or do not get certain things; it is in the end a matter of feeling; which already happened; which will only continue to happen; you are wrong if you think i will rob you off your feelings; something you build up and committed to someone for 25 years of time; that is a long time; you are not the first; if anything you want to be sure of; be sure of this; i will be the first one to walk away; broken-hearted and in the end will still be fine; it has been 40 years this way; i plan to continue on; with or without you; because surely it is going to be without you; you thought of me; you said you care; you mind; you do not want me to get hurt; that is the last thing you want to do; we can't go back to the way it was before; it is too late; "you do not talk about your feelings, do you?"; "no i dont"; that what u said; because i notice; whatever you ask i will tell you the truth; why would i? why should i? how could i? it is a sick world; sicker than we imagine; is it love? infatuation? or something else? people get hurt; that is how we stay alive; in an unimaginable way.