Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Let's. Recap.

Well, let's just say it's been some time since I've posted anything of real substance. My life has been a real roller coaster this last year and I feel confident in saying I am finally on a steady path. To put it blatantly I had a hard time excepting the realities that my family was now broken, my dreams shattered, and everything I wished for my son and his parents, dead. Today I stand confident in my decisions, choices, actions and future. I know that new dreams are born, new wishes can be made, and new aspirations. I know that love will find me, and I will be stronger, and smarter.

In May I will be starting some classes. I'm actually very excited. It is nice to be able to focus on myself for the first time in a very long time. I don't mean that selfishly either. It's not that I am resentful for what I invested in my marriage or my husband...I am just glad to be able to invest in myself now.
In 11th grade, I left high school to move with my (then boyfriend, now...ex husband to be) to stay with him in TN for the year prior to his Iraq deployment. When he left, I moved back to Michigan and finished my last year of high school. When I graduated high school he came home. When he came home, I left my full time job, my college dreams, and my family to be with him...to get married...to support his every dream. I never once regret it. I never once hated my choice.
But I do think it's time I do something to support MY dreams.

I spent the majority of that relationship being under appreciated and overly obsessed with making everyone else happy. I would of sacrificed my soul to see him smile. What I never saw, was how my self esteem and self worth was slowly being chipped away at. I think when you put so much of yourself into someone else, and receive so little appreciation back, you compromise your very being. Being on the outside, looking in now, I can see just how long it's been since I've been myself. There are so many things about myself, that I never got to be in that relationship. I truly missed me. It seems almost delusional to say, but it's never felt so good to be me.

I spent my entire marriage trying to live up to standards. "What a good house wife would do", What he wanted, what made his job easier, what made his life easier, what made him happier, what made him succeed, what was good for him, what was good for the army...
I never once had the self esteem, or drive to worry about what made ME happy, or what would make ME succeed.

I will forever be a person who puts other before myself. I will never stop living to make others laugh and smile. I will never care more about myself, then the people I love and care about....but I will remember to take care of myself. I think we take better care of others, when we remember to take care of ourselves.
And there is nothing I love more then to see the people who mean the most to me, happy, smiling, and laughing. So from now on.... I'm just as important to myself, as those people are to me. <3

Ok, enough for tonight. I miss blogging more often. I promise to get back to this. I still have so much I want to say, but as usual I'm sorting out my thoughts.

2 comments:

Good for you! I know it isn't easy to go through divorce (I am divorced with children.), but it certainly sounds like even though it's not the decision you would have made, in the end you will be able to go on successfully from this with the knowledge that you are just as important as any man in your life and deserve to make yourself happy too.

About Me

Twenty-something extraordinaire, and mother who dreams of becoming a journalist.
I'm a lover of the simplest things in life; the smile on a child's face, good karma coming back around, family dinners, and raw unfiltered emotion. I'm a lover of the biggest cities, and the itty-bittiest of towns. I like to find beauty in the most common places, to see what others overlook.

I don't sensor myself in this blog. It is raw emotion and feeling. You may stumble across the occasional F bomb. I do not apologize.Everything I write is sincere and genuine. My words are my legacy.

"I think that’s what I find most strange about this world, nobody ever says how they feel. They hurt, but they don’t cry out. they’re happy, but they don’t dance or jump around. And they’re angry but they hardly ever scream, because they feel ashamed. Nothing’s worse than that. So we all walk around with our heads looking down and never look up and see how beautiful the sky is."

This is my place to cry out, my place to scream, to say how I feel, and from time to time, to look up at the sky and share with all of you the beauty that I see!