A little trail of breadcrumbs left behind as I make my way through the path of eating disorder treatment and recovery. So I can find my way back to appreciate the journey.

Monday, November 7, 2011

Owner of a burning heart...

Stupid motherfucking reflux.

GRRRRRRRRR.

Unbelievably, during my deepest purging days, I never had trouble with my esophogus or heartburn/reflux. How I escaped both that and tooth damage is a complete miracle. My sinuses being completely fried, I suppose is the way I paid my dues.

It took getting pregnant and the 80+ pounds that granted me to trigger my esophogeal sphincter to finally fail. Really, I just mostly wanted to type sphincter right then. Anyway.

All that pressure was apparently enough for the ol' sphinctie and I had reflux pretty much nightly for 8 years. Some nights wasn't so bad. Some, I felt like I was potentially having a heart attack or that someone had stabbed me without my knowledge. I spent a LOT of time not telling doctors about it after one illfated appointment where not only did I cop to the reflux, but also to my fear that the years of purging had caused some sort of irrepairable damage. AND, my craptastic doctor at the time basically ignored all of it and told me to keep taking Tums or if it got bad to buy some Tagament.

Which did nothing.

Finally with all the appointments I had this spring when I started the "ditch Edie" campaign, I once again spoke up about the constant reflux. My NEW doctor rxed Prilosec and it was a MIRACLE. I just recently finished the 6 month course and then began my "step down" to rantitadine.

I shouldn't be surprised, but yup. Reflux is back and is pissed off. Which gives Edie a perfect chance to tell me it's because I'm still so fat or it's because I was so stupid to purge all that time and attempt to make me feel guilt about things I have no control over.

For now, the reflux is enough to be pissed about. I'm not buying into what Edie is selling. Tomorrow I'm going to call the doctor's office and ask them to renew the Prilosec. It's FINE. It's not failure. It's medically necessary. And I'm NOT going to keep suffering and potentially damage myself more because Edie wants me to feel bad.