Cathy Krafft……..-..Sharing My Journey to Life

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Day 219: Calling the Beast by it’s Name – Breast Cancer – Anxiety – Day 4

Today I don’t want to write and I don’t want to talk either. I don’t want to be alone and I don’t want to be around anyone. I’m both restless and quiet inside myself. And, I’m absolutely aware of how I’m existing in my own little world – where within my mind I’m still trying to make sense of myself within the knowledge that I have breast cancer. Even when we went to my oldest daughter’s house to see my grandson’s, Landon and Logan, I was completely aware of when I was reacting within myself to the anxiety I was experiencing. The truth is, I just wanted to be alone. I sat down to blog a couple of times but instead found comfort in cooking and doing laundry.

I mean, being able to effectively look at my relationship to anxiety within this point is priceless. So approaching my anxiety from the perspective of taking responsibility for myself as it and directing myself to Not react meant that I must first understand how anxiety moves, which is very fast.

As I investigated, I become aware of myself kind of shrugging my shoulders and then putting my hands up to my face/mouth just moments before the anxiety comes – that’s when an emotion or feeling will like infuse into the anxiety and within seconds, I feel the energy. It’s then that I notice a particular thought pattern/memory or reaction, which is what validates the energy of the anxiety. I mean, did you know that it literally takes time to panic?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to the energy experience of anxiety, where I experience a restlessness and an uncomfortability within and as my Physical Body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to form a relationship with anxiety based upon how the energy of it makes me feel nostalgic and sentimental – with a wistful yearning for the happiness I once felt in a former place and time/within a memory, thus, I commit myself to in my voice make anxiety – that part of me – aware that what it’s doing within and as my physical body is not acceptable. and that I no longer accept it to desturb my ability /decision to remain calm and stable breathing.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that anxiety is like an energy that is uncontrolled, therefore, I commit myself to take self-responsibility for the relationship I have to anxiety, to thus breathe and remain calm and stable within and as the directive principle of me as my physical body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in anxiety as I stepped outside, where I went to stand and watch my granddaughter play and within that I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I do not require anxiety as a reaction to prepare me for simply walking outside to watch my granddaughter play.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Not understand how I developed a relationship to the energy of positive and negative, where through manifested consequences and experiences, I didn’t consider the damage the participation as the energy cause within and as my physical body.

I commit myself to take a breath, to stand with myself, to trust myself within who I am as the words that I speak as I commit myself to trust who I am as my physical body, to trust the process of cleansing as I commit myself to stop the bully in me by giving first that which I’d like to receive.