OPUS 50

Apartments, Voice Mail and the Plane Truth.

Hello again, SUNFUN folks!
This is the 50th of the weekly Funnies since August of 1996,
and I decided that this time we could hit a few things that don't
fit neatly into a set topic. You have sent me a fair amount of
material over the past year, and I have been assembling and re-
writing to fit the SUNFUN format, but some of the funny stuff
doesn't fit neatly into any category. We do alot of real life
stories here - at least partly because fiction has to be
believable, but real life can do more strange things than we can
ever imagine.
Thanks for contributions this week to Peter Adler, Ellen
Peterson, and Beth Butler. I always appreciate your input to
Funnies, and most all of the material gets used eventually!
Have a great week,

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CONTEST NOTES...
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If you've been following along here, you already know that
some of the psychic predictions in The Sunday Funnies: Future
Imperfect (07/06/97) were actually not really psychic. They
were, in fact, from a satire on tabloid newspapers put out by
some guys out east.
Send your guess of which of the predictions are the phoney
ones as your entry in The Sunday Funnies First Anniversary
Contest. First one to guess the fake psychic stories (phoney
fakes?) wins a 'Wisconsin' coffee mug from 'Escape to Wisconsin'
and an all expense paid lunch at the fabulously retro lunch
counter of Goldmann's Department Store on Mitchell Street in
Milwaukee. Travel provided by Milwaukee County Transit System.
(The Sunday Funnies is a low-budget operation!) Email your
guesses to:
billbb@compuserve.com (My usual Email address)
by August 1st, 1997.
In the event of a tie, duplicate grilled cheese sandwiches
and bus tickets will be awarded. James Randi, who already knows,
and some of the other folks I've spilled the beans to are not
eligible for the contest. Sorry, But I owe most of you folks a
lunch anyway!
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KEEPING SCORE DEPARTMENT...
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So many baseball stadiums have those complicated scoreboards
that can show movies and pictures these days. Those things are
so complex that mistakes are bound to happen. During boring
parts of the game - which in baseball is most of the time - many
of the scoreboards run commercials, videos and trivia questions.
One bit of sports trivia from the scoreboard at the Oakland
Coliseum is a classic. In one slow part of an Oakland Athletics
game, the score board asked:
WHO HOLDS THE RECORD FOR THE MOST BABES IN A SINGLE SEASON -
HORNSBY, MUSIAL, RUTH, COBB?
Babes? I suppose the answer would be Ruth - to both
questions.
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HEY, TAXI!
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A mother and her young daughter were in New York City. As
they were riding along in a cab, the daughter noticed several
wildly dressed women who were hanging around on a street corner.
The little girl asked her mother, "Mommie, what are all
those ladies waiting for by that corner?"
The mother replied, "Those ladies are waiting for their
husbands to come home from work."
The cabbie, upon hearing this, turned to the mother and
said, "Ahh, C'mon lady... Tell her the truth! Those ladies are
hookers!"
A brief period of silence followed, and then daughter asked,
"Mommie, do those ladies ever have children?"
The mother replied, "Of course dear. Where do you think cab
drivers come from?"
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PLANE TRUTH DEPARTMENT...
----------------------
A photographer for a national news magazine was assigned to
take photos of a large forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too
thick to get any good shots from the ground, so he frantically
called his home office to hire a plane. "It will be waiting for
you at the airport, ready to go!," he was assured by his editor.
As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough,
a plane was warming up near the runway. The photog grabbed his
equipment and jumped in yelling to the pilot, "Let's go! Let's
go! The pilot opened the throttle and swung the plane off the
taxiway. They were in the air in just a few moments.
"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the
photographer, "and make three or four low level passes."
"Why?," asked the pilot.
"Because I'm here to take pictures! Didn't the editor
explain it to you?," asked the photographer in exasperation.
After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you're not the
instructor?"
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HOW TO DECODE APARTMENT ADS
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What The Ad Says What It Really Means
================ ====================
spacious This apartment is such a tiny hole
in the wall that only someone who's
been living in their car would
think it's spacious, but we'll
charge $200 above the going rate
anyway.
easy access to On the flight path of the nearest
transportation airport, next to the railroad
tracks or freeway.
friendly staff They only bite if you annoy them.
free utilities The only way we can get anyone to
live in this dump is to pay for the
water and garbage.
heated pool Only on those rare times when the
sun is out and the pool has water
in it.
great views Overlooks the garbage dumpsters
and the back side of the gas
station on the corner.
affordable housing If you have a $100K income AND
wealthy parents.
OR
This place is such a wreck even
people on welfare won't live here.
pets welcome The place already smells bad, so
who cares.
AC _A_trocious _C_arpeting
great rent bargains! Apartment insurance does not cover
bullet holes, self-protection
devices, frequent theft and/or life
insurance
light and airy Built cheap with walls nearly as
thick as toilet paper and as cold
and drafty as an igloo.
secure parking The manager's apartment overlooks
the parking lot. He may call the
police if he's sober.
move in bonus! Hasn't been rented in six months
because no one else wants this
place!
rustic Nothing has been fixed since the
last earthquake. The outhouse is
in the back.
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HOW TO LOSE A VOTE
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Member of Parliament Geoffrey Dickens attended a fair in his
home county in England and was followed around all day by a sweet
but exceptionally ugly woman he couldn't get rid of.
A few days later he got an admiring letter from this same
woman asking for his photograph, and signed, after her name,
"(Horseface)."
Mr. Dickens was touched by her humorous modesty and sent off
a picture autographed, "To Horseface, with best wishes, Geoffrey
Dickens."
Some time later his secretary asked him, "Did you get that
letter from the woman at the fair? I wrote 'Horseface' after her
name so you'd know which one she was."
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VOICE MAIL MAY DRIVE US ALL CRAZY DEPARTMENT...
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Welcome to the Psychiatric Clinic Hotline...
- If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1
repeatedly.
- If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2
for you.
- If you have a multiple personality disorder, please
press 3, 4, and 5.
- If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and
what you want. Just stay on the line and we'll trace
the call and find you.
- If you are psychotic, listen carefully and the little
voices will tell you which number to press.
- If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which
number you press. No one will answer anyway.
- If you have a sexual disfunction, call 1-900-HOT-DATE.
Ask for Candy.
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