Research.

Remember that time I was on deadline and decided to customize a bunch of animated talking avatars on Sitepal™ for no reason? And also name them and give them identities?

Of course you don’t. You didn’t know me back then. This was 2006, before I started writing for TV. Back then, my “deadlines” were mostly things theatres pretended to care about, like the environment and other people’s kids.

Just kidding. Theatres totally care about that stuff. My point is, my deadlines at the time were mostly self-imposed and driven by a desire to keep the initial writing impulse fresh.

TV deadlines are different. When you miss a deadline on a TV show it’s bad. You could potentially run up production costs, slow down the writer’s room, piss off the script coordinators who have to stay up all night waiting for your dumb draft to come in, etc. It’s poor form and ugly.

I don’t miss my deadlines. I do get very very very very close sometimes. Procrastination can be a small factor, but honestly a good chunk of my writing time is spent doing character research.

For example:

Myrna. Has degree in textiles and talks like a gansta when she’s drunk. She’s drunk right now. She wants to pop a cap in you.

Abigail. Has a third nipple and dreams sometimes about riding huge animatronic pickles. Not often. But enough.

Aubrey. Her girlfriend is a pastry chef and she’s allergic to nuts, a sad fact for them both. Because they both love nuts. Which is also how they insult each other when they fight in public.

Lourdes. The only one in her family who can’t sing. It’s a blessing. She’s gotta be bad at something. Right?

Sissy. Been married twice, no kids, has a hard time watching violent movies since the accident. Which we won’t talk about. (So many scars.)

Freakball. A man of few words, is tired of people telling him he smiles to hide the pain. Gets irritated when folks mistake “shininess” for “radiance.” There’s a fucking difference.

Freakball 2. Wonders if she can be programmed to feel heartbreak, wishes she had more hair. Spends a good deal of her day trying to look approachable.