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Bitterness

You know how there are times when you have a bad day that turns into a bad week, then into a bad month, and so on? I’m having one of those events right now.

This is a first world whine, and I know my problems are nothing compared to abuse, starvation, disease, and murder.

That said, I don’t believe in measuring your sorrows against those of someone else. We’re not playing a game of Whose Life Is Worse.

I’m turning into a bitter, frustrated shrew.

I have no computer. My access to the internet relies on my work computer and my smartphone. All of my writing has to be done on a computer, because a swipe keyboard doesn’t even begin to keep up with my thoughts. That said, I find myself writing almost nothing for years; I’ve looked through my notes, and my creativity is a dried up husk. I’m not sure I even remember how to write fiction anymore.

My other tech prospects are equally lame. The Kindle Fire is a flashy e-reader that can surf the web, but Amazon thought it’d be fun to limit you to their market for apps and ensure the Kindle isn’t compatible with USBs or tablet keyboards. The Wii (my game system) is apparently focused on children; I hadn’t realized how limited it was until I tried to make a wishlist of games for myself… and failed to find more than half a dozen for my age group (excluding exercise games).

I’m in a mad rush to complete my e-workbook on Greek mythology before winter break; I have until Friday to finish it, or risk limited computer access for two weeks over the holiday. Thankfully, the workbook is non-fiction and requires almost no creativity to compose.

On top of my tech frustrations is my bad luck. Texas is a wuss when it comes to bad weather; my Yule gifts are delayed a couple of hours away, even though it’s been above freezing for a week (since the delay initially started). I may or may not receive the presents before our Yule celebration this Saturday. Our business cards for Natural Nuances are also delayed. Yay…

And then there’s Envy, with a capital E. I’m still waiting on my first post-pill menstrual cycle, while my coworker’s happily pregnant now. It’s not healthy to be so angry toward someone. I know that she’s really just a convenient scapegoat for the anger and resentment I feel toward myself for failing to be a woman.

Every Facebook friend that posts a picture of their children is kicking me while I’m down.

In the face.

With a steel-toed boot.

From past experience, I recognize this whole situation as a depression cycle. The good things are shrunken until they’re small and insignificant, while the bad things are blown way out of proportion. Logically, I know this too shall pass. It’s getting from point A to point B that’s the hard part.

I make mental lists. I force myself to recognize the positive things. I cut away at the Big Bad Things until they shrink to a manageable size. I watch reruns of mindless cartoons like American Dad until I stop thinking, putting myself in that comfortably numb space between emotions.

Lastly, I keep moving forward with plans I’ve made, even if I have no desire to do so. Yule will still happen; Harry Potter goodies will still be baked, and gifts will be exchanged. Our Etsy store will still be opened. I’ll still do the dishes and laundry, shower and get dressed each day. I’ll keep doing stuff, even when it feels like doing nothing is easier.

PS: And I just noticed that I haven’t updated my tags and categories on my blog. Oh well… it can wait for vacation next week.