When someone dies

When someone dies, there's no right or wrong way you should feel. Everyone experiences bereavement (the loss that people feel) differently. But you don’t have to cope on your own. We’re always here for you.

Grieving and dealing with loss

The death of someone you care about can be very difficult. You can also be upset about the death of an animal or pet. This can hurt as much as a relative or friend dying. It's natural to have strong reactions when someone you love or are close to dies.

You might feel:

like you can't handle things

confused

scared, numb or that you’ve lost control

worried that you may never feel okay again.

Try not to put too much pressure on yourself to feel better straight away. These feelings will change over time. It's important to accept how you feel.

3 ways to cope with grief:

talk to someone who’ll listen to how you feel

try to accept your feelings – cry if you feel like it

look after yourself – remember to eat well and get plenty of rest.

Coping with Loss

How to cope when someone dies

It’s important to remember that feeling upset, scared or worried is normal. It's natural for you to feel this way if someone has died. You might find these emotions very tough to deal with but there are things that can help you cope.

It may feel difficult to talk to people who are close to you, who are also grieving. You might worry that you’ll upset them more. If your family can share their feelings then that can be helpful. But if not, you can always talk to Childline. After some time, your family may feel ready to talk about things.

Nobody can tell you how you should be feeling about the death of someone close – everyone has their own way of dealing with loss. Crying is one way, and is not a weakness. It can be a huge relief to cry your feelings out. If you don’t feel like crying, don’t worry. That's also okay. There are many different ways of grieving, so go with how you feel and be patient with yourself. It may take time for your feelings to settle.

Do your best to eat well and get plenty of rest. You may find that you want to sleep more, especially soon after someone has died. You may also have dreams about the person who has died. This is your body’s way of coping with what has happened. If you can't sleep, you could have a look at our advice about problems with sleeping for helpful tips. If you feel like it, doing some exercise may help you to de-stress and cope with tiredness and anxiety.

When a death is unexpected

Sometimes people die very unexpectedly. You might find that, as well as the pain of losing someone you love, you’re also dealing with severe shock, anxiety or fear.

If the person you love ended their own life, it can be a very confusing and frightening time for you. If they died as a result of an accident or an attack, you might find that you’re also processing the shock of what happened for a while.

You might be angry at other people, or at the person who has died. It's also normal to be angry with anything else, even normal things that you aren't usually bothered by. All of these feelings are natural reactions to losing someone you love.

You might be blaming yourself in some way for what has happened. Maybe you had an argument before they died. Or regret something you said or did. There might be something you wish you could have done. It's normal to be left with these difficult feelings. But it's important not to blame yourself. It might be helpful to ask yourself what the person you’ve lost might say about your feelings. Would they want you to feel responsible for things in the past that can no longer be changed? What might they say to you if they were still able to talk to you?

It may seem like everything has changed very suddenly. This can feel very scary. You might also be worried about practical things such as money or where you're going to live. Things may not be the same. But that doesn’t mean there won’t be happier times in the future.

If someone was very ill or was suffering you might feel relief that their pain has stopped. You might feel relieved or happy if someone who was hurting you or abusing you has died. All of these thoughts and feelings are normal. It can be helpful to talk to someone you trust about how you feel.

You might feel like life has no meaning anymore, and that you don't know how to go on. You may feel that you want to be with the person who has died. Be patient – in time you may find it is easier to cope.

If you’re finding things difficult, it might be a good idea to visit your doctor. They may be able to give you some support with getting through the first few months as you adjust to such a big change.

Losing someone to suicide

Someone dying can affect you no matter how it happens. But when someone takes their own life it can feel even more difficult to cope. You might be:

scared or worried about how other people might react

angry at the person who died

guilty or ashamed about things you feel you could’ve done differently

confused about why they took their own life

feeling rejected or ignored by the person who died

numb or relieved about someone’s suffering being over.

3 ways to help you cope:

Talk to someoneyou trust - Talk to your family, a friend or even a Childline Counsellor about how you're feeling.

Write things down - This can help you to understand things more. You could keep what you’ve written, show someone or even destroy it.

Keep a memory box - In a box, keep different things that remind you of the person who died.

When an online friend dies

It can be really difficult if you find out that one of your online friends has died. You might feel very upset but find it hard to explain this to others. Some people might think you shouldn’t feel so sad because you didn’t know this person in the ‘real’ world.

But losing an online friend, especially one that you felt close to, can bring about the same feelings of loss and grief as losing a friend you know in person.

Memory stones

Speak to an adult you trust about helping you to find 3 small stones – a smooth stone, a rough stone and a gemstone.

When you have all 3, follow these steps:

Smooth stone – Hold the stone in your hand and think about the ordinary memories of the person who died, like their favourite food or drink or what kind of shoes they wore.

Rough stone – Hold the stone in your hand and think about some of your difficult memories, like what happened when you first found out they died.

Gemstone – Hold the stone in your hand and think about your special memories of the person, like TV you used to watch together or any holidays you went on.

Keep all of the stones together somewhere safe. When you feel ready you could show the stones to an adult you trust to share the different memories or tell a Childline counsellor about them.

Talking about what each of the stones represent can help you feel able to hold the stones in one hand together. It can remind you that even with the difficult memories you can still have the ordinary and special memories too.

It can take time to find the words and to begin to understand what has happened. But Childline is here to talk to you any time.

Olly Alexander from Years & Years talks about opening up

Feeling depressed, sad or unhappy?

Dealing with stress and anxiety

Helping someone else cope with death

It can be hard for you when a family member or friend is finding it difficult to cope with the death of someone.You can try:

letting them know that you’re there to listen to them

giving them space if they want to be alone

being there for them if they want to cry or talk about their feelings

encouraging them to think of the happy times they had with the person who died

reminding them that it can take a long time to feel better and that this is normal

doing things like make a cup of tea for them or help with chores.

Sometimes things at home can change when someone dies. Normal routines may be different. There may be a different adult who looks after you. If you have a younger brother or sister, you may have to support them too.

Saying goodbye to someone who has died

Funerals can be scary, especially if you've never been to one before. There are many different kinds of funerals. Usually, a funeral is a ceremony for friends and family to celebrate the life of the person who has died. It’s a way of saying a final goodbye to the person who has died. Afterwards their body may be cremated or buried.

Often, a funeral is a religious event, but it doesn't have to be. Prayers might be said. And family or friends may be invited to say a little about the person who has died. Sometimes they’ll play music or read poetry that was special to the deceased. Different religions have slightly different ways of having this ceremony.

Friends and family will often try to make sure the funeral is what the person who died would’ve wanted. Sometimes this is based on how they knew the person. Other times, it’s mentioned in a document called a will. A will is a list of instructions that people can leave to let their families know what they want to happen after their death.

Often, the person who has died is buried in a special place – usually a cemetery or churchyard – while family and friends are gathered round. Afterwards, a gravestone with their name is usually put up to mark the spot. This is where you can bring flowers or other things to show how much you cared for them. This can be a comforting thing to do as a reminder of how special they were to you.

At a cremation, the coffin will be taken away at the end of the service (either behind a curtain or lowered down). The coffin and the body will be burned. Later on, the ashes that are left will be given back to the family or friends of the deceased. Some time after the cremation, they will either bury or scatter the ashes in a place that the person loved.

Families often make the choice between burial and cremation based on what the person who died would’ve wanted. Often, the person who died might’ve said whether they would prefer to be buried or cremated in their will. (A will is a list of instructions to let people know what they want to happen after their death.)

These can be very emotional ceremonies. If you want to talk about someone who’s died, we’re here for you.

Think about the happy times you had together. You could collect special reminders such as photos or gifts that help you remember the good times you had together. You can keep these in a box or safe place so you’ll always be reminded of the person.

You might want to do this straight away, or you may want to wait a while. You may not want to do it at all. The most important thing is finding what feels right for you.

You may find that birthdays and special events are times when you miss them most. Doing something to remember them can really help.

Other sites that can help:

Hope Again is the Cruse Bereavement Care website for young people living after loss

Grief Encounter provides advice, coping tips, blogs and information for bereaved young people