BlogGlue

Greetings!

Here are a few of my favorite things: Nintendo, Penny Arcade, The Legend of Zelda, Mario, Pokemon, Harvest Moon, Fallout, Dungeons and Dragons, books, dice, Professor Layton, Shadow of the Colossus, Minecraft, and so much more. I'm going to talk a lot about video games, I sincerely hope you don't mind.

Wednesday, January 29, 2014

It would be extremely easy for me to start this off with, “Please go **** yourself,” but I’m classier than that. So, allow me to restart.

Dear Internet Explorer,

You make my work life miserable. Had I known that taking a real job meant using you five days of the week, eight hours a day, I might have considered unemployment, or another retail living nightmare.

May I just say how astounded I am at your lock-up frequency? Because I am. Astounded, that is. It seems that every other time I try to open a tab, or scroll within an existing one, I’m treated to a total system freeze, complete with “this program is not responding” warnings, and the maddening, spinning blue wheel.

I also need to ask a very important question: why is it that often times when I try to close a window, instead of it closing, it becomes a tab within another window? This is a very serious situation, and one that I’m certain causes a blood pressure spike in me.

Let’s take a moment to discuss how slow and choppy you are, and how many tabs I have accidentally closed because of these issues. And while we’re at it, let’s talk about the fact that you don’t have a “reopen closed tab” option! What are you, stuck in 2004?

This is so awkward.

And why, oh why why why don’t you have a built in spell checker? It’s like you’re some sort of horrifying beta program that never should have seen actual human interaction. What self-respecting, modern day software doesn’t have spell check? I am a professional, and because you somehow became the “industry standard” (please tell me you catch the heavy, sarcastic emphasis there), I have to use you.

Remember how I just said that I’m a professional? Yeah, it is kind of important for me to come across as one, but, as a human, I tend to err, so as hard as I try to type properly, typos are bound to slip through! But, no, you leave me hanging, Internet Explorer, completely editor-less, and open to making embarrassing mistakes such as “morgtage,” “tomorow,” and “waht” when my fingers are flying across the keyboard.

So you see, you’re a pathetic excuse for a web browser, and you honestly should be ashamed of your “features,” and the fact that you’re sharing the spotlight with legitimate programs such as Chrome and Firefox.

Friday, January 24, 2014

My family and I attended this magnificent display of talent back in November, and I made a few observations amid the sights and sounds of Christmas rock music.

1. The Crier

Easy to spot in your row, they tend to be slightly hunched, legs crossed, with one hand over or near their mouth. They're not loud, but you can see the crinkled eyes, the welling tears, and if you watch very closely, you can see the rasping breath creep through their chest cavity as they try not to disturb their neighbor.

2. The Overly Enthusiastic

Most likely wearing a TSO shirt already, this fan creates their own, one-manned waves. In fact, they're almost never seen without their arms high above their head, waving in an emphatic rhythm with a desperate hope of the performers seeing him from the nosebleed section.

3. The Totally Unaware

There's a chance that this person doesn't go to many entertainment events. She's screaming when no one else is, jumping in her seat as though she wants to create her own personal mosh pit, and, most astonishingly of all, answering her phone in the middle of a Christmas rock concert, violins reverberating about. She is also wearing a brightly colored, flashing pin on her hat, and she is seated directly in front of your friend.

4. The Early Clapper

You know the guy. Clapping a full three seconds before the other seven thousand people, anxious to let everyone know how much he appreciated the song.

5. The Chatter

A friendly and harmless seat mate, passing the time by letting you know that the floor seats weren't that expensive, they were just sold out. The heavens are in your favor though, because she's a Doctor Who fan, and so you mercifully pass the time amiably. Also, she stops talking once the show starts.

6. The Bored

A man who is having second thoughts about his Saturday afternoon plans. He is checking e-mail for the last hour of the show, with no bother to dim the brightness on his phone. This gentlemen is sitting to the right of the person in front of you. Hey, buddy, iOS 7 incorporated the ability to do that by a quick thumb flip. Have some courtesy.

7. The No Touchy

An unusual seatmate, not often encountered in such a setting. They're sitting as far away from you as physically possible without actually leaving their seat, knees curled to the right, left shoulder hunched protectively against their chest, leaving the armrest completely untouched. This specimen is seated to your right.

8. The Director

Feel lucky that you get to experience this person's budding interest in cinematography. Not a single song goes by without them whipping out a Nokia, that somehow can record videos, and joyfully filming the light show. They spend the entire three hours watching the incredible display of talent through a postage stamp, for posterity, feeling very pleased with the knowledge that they can relive the experience again and again.

9. The Sleeper

They've given up and don't care about the booming music playing all around them. It's three in the afternoon, the perfect time for taking a nap. As their head rocks back, over and over again, brushing delicately against the person seated behind them (that's you, by the way), they ponder to themselves that the orange stadium seat, mashed between two neighbors, is the most comfortable sleeping place they've ever encountered.

10. Me

Possibly too busy watching the astonishing array of personalities around me to catch the entirety of the pyrotechnics going on on stage, frantically listing these people in my head because they were too entertaining to ignore. You can spot me staring wide eyed at the backs of their heads, smiling widely all the time.

-MJ

*This is intended as an entertainment piece, it's supposed to be funny. Sometimes I miss the mark, but I think I really got it this time.

Wednesday, January 22, 2014

I've never been much for resolutions, simply because I can't keep them. I remember resolving to do homework before playing games, or getting straight As, or... well, that was pretty much it. My New Year's promise was always about school and I always quit my gung-ho nature after a few weeks. Now the new year generally starts with a, "It would be nice if..." and then I proceed to list off things that would be "nice." After a month or two passes, and I've done nothing, I start to narrow down that list to one or two concrete goals and then view them as "when" and not "if." It has proven to be quite effective!

It's super effec-... wait, wrong game.

For fun, though, I want to share my "It would be nice!" lists here. It's a combination of both personal and blog related with plenty of geek thrown into the mix!

Blog:

* It would be nice if A Bit of Geek didn't have any web down time this year

* It would be nice if the A Bit of Geek facebook page hit 500 likes

* It would be nice if I carried out a product idea from start to finish and started selling said product

* It would be nice if I started cosplaying

* It would be nice if I started my cosplay videos idea

* It would be nice if A Bit of Geek hosted more giveaways

* It would be nice if Rachel and I got our variety show idea off the ground

Feeling really good about my list so far.

Personal:

* It would be nice if I finally finished my Skyward Sword file

* It would be nice if I started and finished A Link Between Worlds in 2014

* It would be nice if I created at least one paper sculpt each month

* It would be nice if I organized my craft room

* It would be nice if I played board games at least once a month

* It would be nice if I made it to Scotland this spring

A country whose national animal is a unicorn? Worth at least one visit.

Monday, January 20, 2014

I just learned that we get zero exam points for that mega beard dragon we fought. This is bullshit! But holy shit, I got a new GF! Someone called Siren. I assumed she was some magic that would put people to sleep. But that's not what she does at all, so that's a pleasant surprise! Want to hear a not so pleasant surprise? Selphie dropping the bomb that we had to be back at the ship in 30 minutes. 30! So Seifer ran ahead, and then the rest of us got attacked by some giant ass robotic spider! It chased us the whole way down the island. We managed to elude it on the bridge though. Every time I thought we had outrun it, Zell or Selphie would turn around to look at it. I'm partnered with morons, I swear.

When we got to shore I was running flat out and rolled into the sand. Our vessel was pulling away from the shore and I felt panicked. I really thought they were going to leave without me. After a running dive that landed me half in the water, Quistis busted out her machine gun and finally got that freaking spider to stop chasing me. The cherry on top of this cluster? Seifer took all the credit. He wasn't even there! Actually, the real shit cherry was that poor dog not making it out of the central plaza. I wanted to save him, I did, but I just got so panicked.

To blow off some steam, I decided to go and play Zell's mom at cards. Right off the bat, I won her Malboro! I should have a good deck in no time, and then I will finally beat that kid at the academy. Oh, and I can’t forget, his mom had a card of him! Kind of doofy that she had a card of her son, but also a little sweet. I guess. I won it, by the way. I didn’t have any cards with an A on them yet.

When we got back to the academy it was finally time to get our exam scores. Zell, Selphie, and some random guy and I all passed. Seifer did not, and he led a very... suspicious slow clap for us. I don't trust him. I ended up with a SeeD rank 4. I'm told that's really not too bad! I feel so guilty about not saving that dog from the robotic spider though. Things just got so frantic, I...I... I deserve this low ranking.

R.I.P. plaza dog.

Feeling the shame tonight,

Squall

[This is part of a series of diary entries chronicling my first play through of Final Fantasy 8. I write from the perspective of Squall, but with the twist of a person putting thoughts rambling and unedited into a diary. Join me on my journey of love, loss, and intense angst.]

Friday, January 17, 2014

I have what I consider to be a real on again off again relationship with Pokemon. I played Red when I was in 8th grade, and since then I’ve picked up at least one version of every generation. I usually play to the third gym, and then immediately get annoyed at the level grinding required to win the next gym. EXP share was a magnificent gift, and certainly made the process easier. However, I only ever beat the Elite Four in Red. Every other game has been left to collect dust.

The first time I played and met him here, I was SO unprepared.

With the release of X and Y, I have found myself newly invigorated by the series. It’s awesome to see Pokemon in a 3D environment, and it has captured my attention like only Red had before it. And, I was absolutely floored when I received the EXP share so early in the game. I also did a legit double, maybe even triple, take when I read that it gives experience to ALL Pokemon in the party, not just the one equipped with the item. No more excessive grinding! No long and dull lapse in gameplay just to get my beloved Pokemon up to speed. It was the final straw of indication that I’d see the Elite Four again after all these years.

My play resumed as normal, and something strange happened. Well, it wasn’t actually strange, it was exactly what was supposed to happen: my Pokemon wouldn’t stop freaking leveling up, and the disparity in their levels continued to exist. I found myself frowning in baffled irritation when my Fennekin (well Braixen, I guess) moved along to level 27, meanwhile the Vivillon that I was currently training sat around level 20. Braixen hadn’t actually been out in battle since level 19 or so! I started to legitimately feel like I was missing out on bonding time with the rest of my party.

I made this just for you, dear readers.

I know that I can turn off the EXP share, and hack at this the old fashioned way. There are a lot of ways to make Pokemon more challenging, based on what the Internet tells me. Personally I find it to be a big enough challenge already. I don’t play competitively, even with friends, because I don’t plan my moves well and my favorite Pokemon is Oddish, who isn’t allowed to evolve and is therefore weak as hell. With this fact present, you'd think that I'd be overjoyed at the EXP share, right?

Does anyone else have mixed feelings about the EXP share, or perhaps have you stopped using it? Did anyone else feel like you were missing out on bonding time, having the rest of your team level up even though you weren’t using them in battle? Or am I all alone over here?

Wednesday, January 15, 2014

In order to inspire my own interests (while simultaneously fighting back the urge to rage-quit a tangible hobby because of jealously and fears of inadequacy) I am constantly on the look out for new paper artists to follow! I love to find people who have the same or a similar style to what I’m attempting to achieve. I’ve found that this is kind of hard to do, though. I don’t know if my search terms are off or what, but it’s just hard to find paper artists for me.

A while back I found a great tumblr that does all the work for me! They don’t post *super* often, I suspect because they have a similar issue that I did, but when they do, it’s almost always gold. Through them I found Jared Andrew Schorr, or supercoolspyclub on tumblr. His stuff absolutely rocks! Even better is that I sent him a message telling him how I was melting and freaking out over his work, and he gave me a response of thanks and encouragement for my own work. What a guy!

Please relax and enjoy this (very small) selection of his work.

Risers!

I never would have thought to display paper in anything but a frame.

Same color layering!

I don’t even want to talk about it.

Tiny cuts for fur? Yes!

His work is so simple, yet detailed! Such clean lines while also depicting movement and activity. And so delicate! Some of these pieces appear to be extremely small! How does he cut out the circles? You know, I tried to make a watery background for an octopus piece one time, and it was a full blown disaster. It looked so bad. I felt like a first grader who had just learned how to cut construction paper. I believe I threw it away because it filled me with such shame and frustration. But look!

It can be done! I really should give it another shot!

I’m so thrilled by everything that he does, and it has helped me to get back to the Toejam and Earl sculpt that I’ve been trudging through. I knew when I started it that it’d be a real challenge, and so I’m dragging my feet rather badly. Then I see detailed sets like this:

and I know I have to get back on the horse.

What do you think of his work? Do you have any amazing paper artists for me? :D

-MJ

*all images have been respectfully borrowed from Schorr's tumblr and they are his property.

Monday, January 13, 2014

When designing a protagonist for a video game series, it's a good idea to make them the most interesting character of the series. But every so often, there comes a support character who outshines even the protagonist. A character who's just as cool and interesting as the supposed “hero” of the story. Throw in a lightsaber and a bitchin' ponytail and now you've got the most interesting support character of all time. Of course I'm referring to none other than the legendary Maverick Hunter himself, Zero of the Mega Man X series. First appearing in the incomparable Mega Man X, Zero burst onto the scene with his sleek red armor and fancy Jedi swordsman skills, forever sealing his status as ultimate badass. Since then, he's become a featured main character to the series and has become so popular that he was given his own series, Mega Man Zero. The fans just could not get enough of this sword-wielding robot and his luscious, flowing mane.

"L'Oreal. Because you're worth it."

But to understand why Zero has such a devout fanbase, you have to know what makes Zero tick and the challenges he's had to overcome. As previously stated, Zero first appeared in Mega Man X, but his back story runs much deeper than that. Because since the Mega Man X series is actually a sequel to the Mega Man games, there's more you need to know than you're originally given. Details such as Mega Man, the protagonist of the old series, being created by Dr. Light to fight off the evil forces of Dr. Wily's fiendish Robot Masters. Flash forward 100 years and you have X, the protagonist of Mega Man X, also created by Dr. Light to aid humanity and robotkind alike. But what made X special from his previously blue incarnation was his ability to think for himself and make his own decisions.

“Also his ability to make terrible cameos on television cartoons."

So what does this have to do with Zero, you ask? Well, everything really. Because whereas X was created by Dr. Light to be the hope of the future, Zero was created by none other than the nefarious Dr. Wily himself. BUM BUM BUUUUUMMMMMM!!!!

Dr. Wily created Zero with the intent to be his ultimate creation, the pinnacle of robot evilness. But the joke was on Wily (who was dead by the time this all mattered), because Zero eventually turned out to be a champion for humans and Reploids, the androids created in the future that, like X, had the ability to think for themselves. So what if Zero had to initially overcome his desire to kill humans and also accidentally released a robot virus that caused other Reploids to want to kill humans, becoming “Mavericks”? It's the end result we're talking about, people!

“JUST LOOK AT THAT PONY TAIL!”

Eventually, Zero does overcome these obstacles and becomes a hero to the future, just as X would soon become. Together, they team-up to hunt down rogue Mavericks, Zero serving as X's mentor throughout the series. While acting distant yet cool, Zero would constantly arrive in the nick of time to save X, revealing his true, caring nature. He even proves his heroism when (Spoiler!)he sacrifices himself to give X a fighting chance against Vile, the mini-boss of Mega Man X. It was a profound, touching moment that defined Zero's character forever, even as he was brought back to life in the next game and then sacrificed again, only to be brought back to life once more for Mega Man Zero.

“Guess how many fucks I give about Death."

However, if his constant sacrifice and subsequent resurrection mean anything, it's proof of Zero's ultimate power: his infectious ability to always do what is right, even at the most extreme cost. He may become broken, destroyed or his mind placed in the body of a copy, but there is no way to keep Zero from fighting for peace and justice. Because even as he was created for destruction, he shows us that we can choose our own destiny, to be better than we were meant to be. And after all, it's hard to keep a good robot down.

Friday, January 10, 2014

Like many others I have been anxiously awaiting the return of Sherlock. It has been a long two years for fans, to be sure! Tumblr's cup has runneth over with theories, speculation, and near deranged frenzy to find out what reallyhappened to everyone's favorite sociopath, as well as how Watson had been coping.

January 1st dawned bright, smelling of new, promise, and the premiere of season three. What we received was... strange.

Men once renowned for their deduction abilities are now just mustachioed foodies.

I went through a variety of emotions that continued to ping pong around during the second episode. The show is still well written, and astonishingly well filmed and directed as one could expect. The acting, sets, costumes... well, there's nothing to complain about. The characters though, they've become a bit odd. I keep asking myself if it's simply character development, which is perfectly reasonable and realistic because people DO change over the years, or is the show just being written differently?

Parts of the episodes are undeniably tumblr runoff. How could they not be? Participants of the Sherlock fandom on tumblr cannot escape the cries of love between Sherlock and John, the desired sexual tension between Sherlock and Moriarty, or the fact that we are all Molly and we tremble when He is near. But no, I enjoy these aspects, actually. I think that in this day and age of connectivity between fan and creator, it is benevolent of them to hear our collective wants, the depths of our souls, and throw us some well orchestrated, hair ruffling bones.

Women and men alike cried out around the world, and were silenced in the wake of fanfic fodder.

No, the tumblr fan service was well received by this particular viewer, even if it was a bit surreal. What I find strange about season three is its lack of tension. The first two episodes, at least, are almost entirely light-hearted, with laughs, jabs, and jokes around every corner. I would never have used those words to describe the first two seasons. Across the episodes I had many internal moments of asking myself, "Is this really the same show?" The answer is obviously yes, but I think it's also no. Clearly the dynamic has changed between Sherlock and John in the aftermath of Sherlock's pretend suicide and the fact that John is now married. So I ask myself, with those facts in mind, does it make sense that the show has a lighter tone? I don't actually think so.

Take, for instance, the scene where Sherlock reveals himself to be alive while in the restaurant. It doesn't make sense to me that Sherlock would be in hiding from John, and pretty much only John, for two years and then expect that he wouldn't be angry upon this sudden reappearance. If he didn't think it would be a big deal, then why not reveal himself sooner? I get that Sherlock is socially dense and absolutely clueless regarding interpersonal relationships, but this felt a bit far to me. I expected something more emotional, but what I got was a slapstick event that, while admittedly very funny, just felt wrong. The only upside is that it gave the audience a well-rounded look at Mary, and she's pretty great.

Adorable third wheel, but really more like a third leg. She makes the duo stronger.

Of course, by the end of episode two I was practically crying because of dumb-founded, sweet, sentimental, sad Sherlock. Is he a robot incapable of feelings, or is he secretly part Vulcan? He swings wildly between the those options from the first and second episodes, and the inconsistency leaves me wondering if there's something that I'm missing or if it's questionable writing.

Season three has still been enjoyable and full of mystery, I just wonder if it was the right decision for the show to incorporate so much fan service. It has been fun but ultimately seemed more like a fan fiction story than an official storyline. Perhaps the final episode will change my mind! What are everyone else's thoughts?

Wednesday, January 8, 2014

Since I didn't pay much attention to the PC realm of gaming until I got a bit older, Diablo II was a complete mystery to me until quite some time after its release. I saw a friend playing it at the first LAN party I ever attended and was once again in awe of Blizzard's work.

The story picked up right where Diablo left off (SPOILER ALERT) where your hero from the game essentially took Diablo into himself to prevent him from returning and spreading evil, only to incidentally become corrupted by the Diablo's essence in the process. It is at that point that the adventurer just sort of gets high and wanders off. The new adventure is centered around a new character following the journey of this "Dark Wanderer" and trying to find the origin of the death and destruction he is leaving in his wake. Maybe you'll pop in to visit the Prime Evils along the way. Who knows!

The second entry in the series took everything that made the first title great and expanded upon it to unreal ends. There were now five playable characters. Every act had huge worlds with plentiful dungeons and side areas to explore and conquer. Your character moved much quicker. Combat was far smoother and more fierce. Graphically, it was also superior with more depth and animation.

Many features in II were added to further differentiate the play experience from the first title. I think it's safe to say that the first thing one would notice would be the addition of a "Fatigue" stat. This allowed your character to run, rather than walk, for a period of time. At a glance, it would seem like a pain to have one more thing to pay attention to during the coming onslaught of enemies, but the fatigue was actually done quite well in terms of how long it lasted and how quickly it recharged. There was also an awesome amount of item customization in the addition of "socketed" items, which allowed the player to add gems with specific properties to the items. This would modify the item to give specific benefits to the player, whether it was a boost for a certain stat, an elemental attack bonus, or giving the player a little more luck at finding magical items.

Hoards of enemies make a relentless return as well, some of them downright terrifying. Similar to The Butcher in my first entry, we have another contender in the early-in-the-game-and-outstandingly-difficult competition. On your quest to vanquish the Prime Evils, you come across Duriel, a gigantic grub beast who is insanely fast and powerful. Duriel is not a Prime Evil, but a Lesser Evil donning the mantle "Lord of Pain," and boy, does he live up to it. He announces his hellish presence by charging at you and growling under your skin "LOOKING FOR BAAL!?" who you were actually hoping to find. Damn shame, this mix-up.

As if there wasn't enough content already, the expansion offered up two more playable characters, many more items, and an additional act that provided a new area to explore and another boss to defeat. This presented more challenges for veterans and more to be accomplished by people who would play through the game as a band of heroes. It serves as a fantastic example of what expansions and downloadable content should aspire to.

I could go on, but there is so much to say and I haven't even begun to scratch the surface with this synopsis. Diablo II is available for very reasonable prices. I would definitely recommend picking up a copy, especially if you are a fan of dungeon crawlers and have never given this one a go.

"The beast contained herein shall not be set free — not even by you." Source

Once again, be sure to keep your eyes peeled for the next entry: "Hell Hath No Fury Like A Woman Diab'd."

Monday, January 6, 2014

Today is the day of my big SeeD exam. I headed to my dorm to get changed, and then ran up and down the stairs at the entrance to the academy to work out some nerves. I tried to play cards with a girl near the directory, but she was out of my league and took my Ifrit card. I begged her to give it back since I’m so inexperienced (and she did, which was nice of her!). Afterwards I found that punk kid running around again. We drew five times in a row before I got bored and decided it was time to actually leave for my exam. I ended up being paired with Zell “Hot Dog” Dench. You’ve got to be some kind of guy to actually say “booya”. I didn’t have much time to spend on being amused over his disposition though, because Seifer showed up with his stupid entourage.

After we piled into the car to head to Balamb, things just got awkward. Quistis wouldn’t stop finishing my sentences, and Seifer was a continual dick who kept picking on Zell. And then, the driver nearly drove into the ocean! I don’t know what that was all about. Maybe she’s new. Once we arrived we were given instructions to cover the city center of an island that’s under attack by Galbadia. The enemy soldiers were pretty weak. I didn’t know what to expect, so I summoned Ifrit and he didn’t even have a chance to show up before Seifer took everyone else down. Oh, and get this: Seifer said that the majority of the exam points go to whoever lands the killing blow, so we should make sure to let *him* do that. Yeah, right!

Arrogant jerk. I wouldn't let him win in a million years.

Anyway, we found the city center just fine, but it was empty except for a sad and lonely dog. After a while Seifer got too bored and macho, so he told us to follow him to some commotion at the communications tower. Zell wanted to stay behind, but I figured we should listen to the team captain, no matter how much I hate him.

Once we found the tower, Zell got a little strange and started talking about his dreams. He didn’t talk for long before Seifer cut him off though. It seemed like he was going to get a little emotional about something. I was curious about what he was going to say, but then that girl that I ran into the other day showed up! Her name is Selphie. I’m not sure what she’s doing here, because she’s part of squad A, and we are squad B. I can’t say for sure, but I think Seifer wanted to talk about his dreams, too. I definitely didn’t want to. Those are personal, you know?

We're taking a rest outside of the communications tower. I think we’re all expecting some more intense fighting in there. Hopefully I can write again soon.

xoxo

Squall

[This is part of a series of diary entries chronicling my first play through of Final Fantasy 8. I write from the perspective of Squall, but with the twist of a person putting thoughts rambling and unedited into a diary. Join me on my journey of love, loss, and intense angst.]

Friday, January 3, 2014

Here at A Bit of Geek, we like to think we enrich your minds with our tidbits of video game knowledge. But what we also want to do is to give your geek souls the proper nourishment they need as well. So we present you with our video game poetry, written in haiku verse, to give you thoughts to ponder the deep questions of life. Without further adieu, we present: Video Game Haikus

Wednesday, January 1, 2014

Chances are, if you think your significant other (s.o.) is "the one", you've had many, many important discussions about your relationship and future. What will you name your children? Where will you live? What kind of cars will you buy?

It is my opinion that there are some subjects that are overlooked. Financial, moral, etc. But what about the really weird stuff?

Today we will address the ever-mysterious world of the paranormal and the effect it may have on you and your s.o.

1. Will they live out eternity as a blood-sucking vampire with you?
So you’ve decided to let a vampire make you an immortal . Why wouldn’t you? You can live forever, you can read every book, see every movie, travel anywhere you want to, swim with sharks, fight with bears, kill bad guys...the list of awesome shit just goes on and on!

There is a slight issue, though: the love of your life may have something to say about your desire for immortality and how it will affect him or her. Will they allow your immortal kiss to forever bind you to them, or whatever?

Upon discussing this with Zach, I found out that no, he would not become a vampire with me. His opinion is that it would be too hard to live that long and watch everyone you love die. I (sort of?) see his point.

Love this guy.

I tried to entice him by suggesting he becomes a Batman vampire, drinking only the blood of evil-doers. Still, he said no. I asked him what would happen if I forced him into vampirism. He said he might hate me for the rest of forever. I’ll take it.

2. Would they lock you up every full moon to keep your werewolf form at bay?

I doubt you did this on purpose. As far as I can tell, from most werewolf lore, those cursed ones are not usually happy about their...well, situation.

So you got bit by this big, nasty, wolf thing. You brush off your shoulders, no biggie, slap a band-aid on there and continue with your night. But a month later, on the next full moon, you sprout hair, claws, fangs, and have a really bad craving for raw bunny meat. What the fuck? Next thing you know you wake up naked in the woods, covered in blood and god knows what else. Uh, if this is going to be a monthly thing, you should probably get it under control, lest you murder a human or something.

Aw, man, those were brand new jeans!

So after you come home and explain to your s.o. why you’re naked and covered in blood, and they finish with their hyperventilation fit, the real conversation begins. Will they: A. accept your new, uh, lifestyle; B. help you find a dungeon with chains strong enough to hold back a majestic beast for 12 hours, and; C. bring you down there, tie you up, and ignore your screams of agony as they toss you a rib roast and run the fuck away?

Zach’s response? “Sure.”

3. How will they respond when you tell them about your alien abduction?

The aliens lifted you off your bed, through the ceiling, and into their spaceship in the dead of night. Apparently they’ve done it quietly enough so that your s.o. didn’t hear a damn thing. You were stared at, poked, prodded, and then you woke up to your s.o.’s smiling face next to yours, which quickly turned into a confused frown when he or she saw the pure horror in your eyes.

Can I at least get some laughing gas while you do this?

First of all, how do you convince him or her that it wasn’t all just a nightmare? Maybe you were lucky enough to have some leftover symmetrical burns around your belly button, or you had a strange sort of silver liquid coming out of your nose. Either way, your s.o. believes you were abducted. So how will he or she respond?

When presented with the scenario, Zach was most concerned about whether or not I felt any different. Then he’d ask me if I wanted to talk to anyone else about it. At this point, I thought, “Well I’m glad he’s concerned for my mental well-being, but maybe we should go to the hospital first and make sure I’m not pregnant with an alien baby.”

4. Would they believe you if you told them you saw Bigfoot?
Approach this scenario with an open mind: you’re camping in the mountains, you gotta pee, you find a good log to mark, and a huge ape man casually stalks past you like you’re not even there. This guy smells like rotten food, ass, and hot garbage. You watch as he marches through the trees, easily eight feet tall, covered in leaves, hair matted, feet bigger than Shaq.
Congratulations, you just saw Sasquatch.

A whole new level of swamp-ass.

You run back to camp and breathlessly explain your brief encounter. Your s.o. listens attentively. But does he or she believe you?

Zach looked at me like I’m the dumbest thing on Earth. “YEAH.” he states emphatically, “I believe in Bigfoot!”

5. Would they perform a seance with you to rid your house of ghosts?
So you just bought this mansion for like, five hundred bucks. What a steal! Hang on, is that blood pouring out of the walls? The realtor didn’t mention anything about 19th century cosplayers running around in here. Oh, wait...

Now, there are two steps to this: 1. get your s.o. to believe there are ghosts (if the blood coming out of the walls and terrifying apparitions didn’t do the trick, this might be a tough one to achieve.); 2. get your s.o. to believe they are in your home, (again, a very difficult endeavor, indeed) and; 3. convince your s.o. to grow big enough balls to perform an actual seance, with candles and a possessed medium and everything.

That's not very hospitable.

Zach would immediately move the fuck out. “It’s not ours.” he says. I happen to agree with him. No house is worth going through all that crap. I’m sorry everyone, we just cut the plot to every haunted house movie down to about seven minutes.

6. Would they continue to date you if you were a witch?

You drank too much and bought a membership to Ancestry.com. The next morning, after some self-deprecation and a battle with buyer’s remorse, you keep the membership and decide to make this your new hobby. Some hefty research reveals that you’re a direct descendent of one of the Salem witches. Your family tree addiction quickly turns into an obsession with the occult. And one day, you light a goddamn candle with your mind.

Pretty soon you’re putting hexes on your worst enemies and bringing luck to those you love. But when your s.o. finds your altar, how will he or she respond? Will he or she believe that it was your sudden burst in confidence and new found love of the outdoors that made your relationship spicier and more romantic? Or was it a love spell that kept him or her glued to you and shopping for engagement rings?

Would I have to travel to Stonehenge every time I wanted to cast a spell? I don't really have time for that.

I asked Zach if he'd stay married to me. "I don't see why not." He said. I asked, "How would you know I wasn't casting spells to my advantage?"

He said, "I trust you. Just don't screw it up." Noted.

7. Would they let you build an extravagant garden in the backyard for the faeries to live in?

Your backyard has sprouted hundreds of mushrooms and colorful flowers out of no where. At night, you see what you think are fireflies hovering in and out of the fungus patches. Upon investigation, you find not fireflies, but about one hundred faeries.

Whether the faeries are real or you've taken too much Ambien, the fact is this: you're the only one that can see them. The Faery Queen has kindly requested that you build them a house, in exchange for an unlimited supply of faery dust, which does god knows what. So, does your s.o. let you take a trip to Home Depot and max out the credit card on supplies for a huge garden/miniature house for your little friends?

This week on MTV Cribs...

Zach would immediately want some proof. So I said the Queen (who's totally my BFF now) let me borrow some faerie dust, and when I sprinkled it on the dog, his hair turned pink (like I said, I don't know what it does). So now he has his solid evidence.

"Yeah, go for it!" Zach says. "I wouldn't mind a nice garden anyway."

8. Would they commit to bringing you back from the dead after you have to sacrifice yourself to save the world?

Some shit is going down and it turns out you have to stab yourself with a ceremonial sword to save the world. You know, typical Tuesday, whatever. But you're not incredibly fond of staying dead. Your witch friend (every supernatural hero has to have one of those) says there's a loophole, but only your true love can perform the ritual. They'll have to concentrate really hard, do all the parts of the spell perfectly. One screw up and you're dead forever. Can they handle the pressure?

Hopefully there will be no needle-in-the-eye action.

Zach: "Yeah, I can do that. If you're willing to sacrifice everything to save the planet, then I can focus (on the spell) for a minute."

9. Would they travel in time with you?
Of course you're going to travel in time. Someone, be it The Doctor, Bill and Ted, or whoever, has invited you (plus one) to go to any period of time you want. Of course, there are risks; accidentally changing the future, being hanged for witchcraft because you were listening to your iPod, etc. What does your s.o. think? Will they pack up and prance off to the inauguration of President Lincoln with you?

Hell yes. *Photo courtesy of Miranda Eubanks

"Where are we going?" Zach asked.

"Wherever we want."

"Of course. I've got things I wanna see."

10. Would they have you committed for having any of these conversations with them (once they realize you’re completely serious)?
Hey, I don't know what kind of relationship you're in. Obviously Zach is pretty open minded to a lot of things, but that is not the case with everyone. So of course the one you love should listen to your ramblings about these supernatural occurances and how the two of you should proceed from there. But how will they react when they realize you're having a serious, important conversation with them--that you're gauging the development of the relationship based on his or her responses?

I love you, puddin'.

"I think they're about as ridiculous as when you ask me if I'd still love you if you were ugly." Zach says.

When the vampires reveal themselves, we shall see, Zach. We shall see.

You guys, this is seriously a fun thing to discuss with your significant other. Please tell me in the comments what his or her best responses were!

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About Me

I like to write about the fun things I do. When I'm not screaming at spiders for being in my house, I can be found writing, playing video games or paper crafting. A Bit of Geek is where I put my thoughts and activities.