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Recently, a friend (whom we love dearly) posted an article on child-raising called 'The Secret Cost of Shame' . The authors of the article suggest that many parents are creating thick ridges of emotional scar tissue in their children by using words like 'naughty' or using 'moralizing' statements such as 'Good little children don't act that way'. Or my favorite example:

A three-year-old who defies her mother by refusing to pack up her toys - after being told to do so repeatedly - may be attempting to forge a separate and distinct self-identity.

OK. But the new self-identity is headed for a sore butt.

Now, I remember from the parenting manual you get when you take the baby home from the hospital that there are lines you don't cross. It's inappropriate, for example, to scream 'OH MY GOD YOU GOT IT WRONG, YOU LITTLE SATAN MONKEY' in the grocery store when your child fetches the 1% milk instead of the 2% you had clearly asked for. What? You didn't get a manual? You have to ask before you leave, you know. They don't hand them out, otherwise.

But these authors would be horrified if they heard some of the age-based, moralizing, competency-expectations that are uttered in our house. No doubt they would want to lead me through a firm-but-non-shaming conversation.

Here are a few things we've told our kids:

I didn't call you 'turtle.' I called you 'turd-le.' As in: 'a small turd.'

You can pay the electric bill, or you can pick the dog crap up from the yard. Your choice.

No, I won't buy you a horse.

It's slightly more awkward to make fun of you when you're in the room.