This SCARY thing started happening to me back in February, and I didn’t know what it was.

I WAS LOSING MY MIND.

My first episode occurred the same day I impulse bought a grandfather clock – how timely!

Have you ever impulse bought anything? This year, here are two things I impulse bought:

a grandfather clock, and a funny shaped sweet potato.

It’s crazy time!

I like blaming my daughter for the goddamn limited edition Howard Miller heirloom clock. We stopped by a furniture store that was going out of business. I was looking for candles or something. I saw a wall of grandfather clocks and mentioned casually to my daughter, “My great uncle used to build grandfather clocks. I’ve always wanted one.”

That’s why I have one in my dollhouse, as well as a roll top desk. My grandfather had a roll top desk. I never imagined I would have either of those things in real life, any more than I can imagine myself owning an orange muscle car or 5 bedroom house for hosting orgies. They are too fancy and expensive.

My daughter marched right up to the salesperson and said, “Would you please help my mother? She wants to buy a clock.”

I sputtered in protest, but decided to find out the price. It was 50% off, so I went ahead and YOLO’ed and got it.

After I bought it, I felt the same anxiety I get after I book a ticket to Europe. WHAT HAVE I DONE? IT’S SUCH A COMMITMENT!

They delivered it, and it was like having another entity in the house. It breathed, it sang, it required winding and maintenance. It was more like a piano than a pet or a houseplant.

That night, I had a complete meltdown.

I went into this inexplicable rage and screamed and paced and sobbed. I lost touch with reality. I felt like I was being chased by a lion.

Look how crazy I am ROWR!

My daughter was so scared. She called a few people, but no one came to help. Everyone was too busy, or had no idea how to handle this WTF moment.

She helped me as best she could, until I passed out exhausted.

The next morning, I woke very drained and fragile. I felt like a big storm had passed. I apologized to her, and she was very kind and understanding.

What the fuck was going on??

It took a few more psychotic episodes like this to finally realize what I was dealing with.