Or something? Remember when Katherine Jackson disappeared for a few days and her grandkids panicked and reported her missing? Well, apparently it was all a dastardly caper!!! Even though Jackson originally claimed that her absence was a completely voluntary "short vacation," she's now saying that some yahoo with a stethoscope showed up at her house and told her to get on a plane to Arizona. And so she did. In a sworn statement, Jackson claims:

She was scheduled to go on a road trip to New Mexico to watch her sons in concert — but on July 14th, an unnamed doctor showed up to her house and told her it was better for her to take a plane instead.

Katherine says she obliged — believing the doctor was under the orders of her longtime physician — but when she got off the plane ... she found herself in Tucson, where she had been set up at a luxury resort.

According to her lawyer, "Her children took her to a spa ... because she had high blood pressure." ...In her declaration, Katherine never specifies who sent the doctor to her house, or who accompanied her to the spa.

WHATEVER YOU SAY, "NEWS STORY." I'm glad everybody is okay and everything, but Jesus Christ, Jacksons. The more weird shit you pull, the more I wish Michael could have left Paris, Prince, and Blanket a new family in his gold-plated crazybrains will. [TMZ]

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Uhhhhh, apparently Drake is going to produce a new posthumous Aaliyah album, which, like all posthumous albums, is totally weird because Aaliyah does not exist: "Drake's love for the late singer is well known within the hip-hop community. He's sampled her voice on his debut album Thank Me Later, wrote an open letter to her, and we all remember when that photo of his Aaliyah back tattoo leaked." In related news, if your back tattoo has been leaking for four hours or more, and you start to feel that you can communicate with long-dead R&B ghosts, seek medical attention. [TheGrio]

Today in queasy-making custody battles, Usher's ex Tameka Raymond claims he's only pretending to care about her dead son for the publicity:

In court documents obtained by TMZ, Tameka states that Usher's "stress and strain" is "bogus" and that he simply wants sympathy from the media and fans.

"[Usher] visited Kile in the hospital only once" during his 15 days on life support, Tameka claims.

She also says he refused to tweet a message asking fans to "pray for Kile" and didn't attend Kile's funeral.

Ugh. Could you guys figure this shit out? This whole thing is giving me woe-hives. [DigitalSpy]

Breaking Bad's Aaron Paul says he learned how to play a meth user from watching his ex-girlfriend spiral into addiction: "It went from coke and then it escalated to meth. Meth is the one that grabbed, like, nails-deep into her soul and slowly just ripped it out. She was this beautiful being, turned to this hollow shell." Frowny-face. Then he said some weird dumb shit about Advil: "If I go to the dentist, I'll get an eighth. I am against pills. I don't even take Advil. I think pot 100 per cent should be legalised." 'Kay. [Express]

Nas reveals that his favorite TV show is Girls, which is totally adorable to me: "My favorite show right now is Girls. I don't know where this girl Lena Dunham came from, but she's amazing!" :D [ComplexMusic]

Today in Tom Hardy's testicles news, did you want to hear about the time an infant baby kicked the fuck out of Tom Hardy's testicles? You're welcome. [ONTD]

Apparently Heidi Montag is frustrated that people don't take her seriously for her many, many accomplishments: "I'll keep trying to prove I'm more than surgeries." Pro tip, Heidi: FUCKING DO SOMETHING. [DigitalSpy]

Bill Murray won't be involved in Ghostbusters 3, says Dan Aykroyd of the Crystal Skull: "It's sad but we're passing it on to a new generation. Ghostbusters 3 can be a successful movie without Bill. My preference would be to have him involved but at this point he doesn't seem to be coming and we have to move on. It's time to make the third one." Murray reportedly thought the script was too shitty. [Radar]

Kristen Stewart is going to be in a movie and Jennifer Lawrence isn't and that dude that K-Stew maybe boned is or maybe isn't doing some other movie and his wife is mad and some other stuff. [Radar]

Vanessa Hudgens and her boyfriend did yoga and here are FIFTEEN PICTURES OF IT. [JustJared]

Small fancy human Suri Cruise is enrolled at a $40,000 a year school. [DailyIntel]

Crazytown's Shifty Shellshock, fresh out of rehab, would like to hereby apologize for his multitude of drug-fueled rampages: "I would like to sincerely apologize to the parties involved ... I feel very bad for those who I have offended and those who have endured this situation." [TMZ]

A married woman publicly hugged her husband in a moment of joyful abandon. Quick, call all the fucking newspapers. [Radar]

Kate Gosselin is giving "her side of the story." Thank GOD. (Don't ask me what "story" she's talking about because I literally could not read past the first line.) [ShowbizSpy]

LaToya Jackson has signed on to star in a reality show called Life with LaToya on OWN. I sure hope it stars that wacky Scooby Doo doctor from earlier. [TheGrio]

I took this quiz to find out what '90s Nickelodeon character I am and it says I'm some weird turtle from Rocko's Modern Life, which is total bullshit because I'm like 2 years too old to have watched that show and anyway I am OBVIOUSLY JAKE FROM HEY DUDE. [Vulture]