The Family Dinner

Why it needs to be a priority in your home.

By now everyone knows the benefits of family dinners – better grades, less obesity, less substance abuse, better relationships with parents and better mental health (based on the 2011 report from the National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse). Even one family dinner per week (Shabbos anyone?) makes a big difference (in fact a 15% reduction in the odds of substance abuse as well as a reduction in depressive symptoms and delinquency).

It seems like a no-brainer, a fairly simple solution to a myriad of serious problems. Yet many families find it very difficult to implement.

I have to confess that my children have not been involved in team sports. Although I drove a mini-van, I was never a “soccer” mom. After-school activities were kept to a minimum and, except for the particularly intense times of school performances, our family ate dinner together every night.

I’m not asking for praise. It actually wasn’t very hard to accomplish. We were lucky that my husband’s office is a 5-minute drive from our house. He could come home for dinner (baths, stories and homework, depending on the age) and then return to his office or go out to teach afterwards. It was a commitment we made together but it was pretty easy to keep.

If time with our children is a priority, we need to adjust our schedule accordingly.

But for families whose children have multiple yet not the same extra-curricular interests, just balancing the schedule – the carpooling, the equipment purchase and cleaning, the attendance at games and recitals – can be a logistical nightmare.

How can they possibly fit in this all-important family dinner? How can they fit in any dinner at all? (Shabbos anyone?)

So now parents are asking a new question, “How Long Does Dinner Have to Be?” (Wall Street Journal, 9/18/13) I get it. I really do. They want to make it all work. But maybe, just maybe, they’re asking the wrong question.

Why is the assumption that family dinner has to be fit in amidst this other barrage of activities? Couldn’t we turn this assumption on its head and ask the opposite question? How do we fit these activities around our family dinner?

It seems to me a question of priorities. Sure team sports can be a wonderful experience for children. And there is much to be learned. But do the studies list the same benefits as they do for family dinners? And how many team sports or extra-curricular activities do we need? Isn’t one enough? Is this about what the children want, what everyone else is doing or even perhaps college resumes?

When does the downside of the constant rushing, the stress, the lack of relaxed family time outweigh the benefits of that soccer tournament? I don’t have the answers (Shabbos anyone?) but I certainly have lots of questions.

I can’t believe that just any family dinner, no matter how short, will be equally effective. I think some minimal time commitment is necessary. If you go away on vacation, it usually takes a day just to unwind and separate. Dinnertime is not that different. First, we unwind; then we relax, switch gears, and talk to our families. I don’t think an 8-minute dinner allows time for both.

You can’t have quality time without providing quantity time.

Likewise I’ve never bought the mantra that “It’s quality time not quantity time that counts.” You can’t have quality time without providing quantity time. Children and relationships are not spigots that you can turn on and off at will. They may need to sit quietly for 20 minutes at the dinner table before they are ready to talk. In fact they may want to approach you with something on their mind at 10:30 p.m. Are you home? Available? It’s frequently only when homework is done and the day is winding down that real issues emerge.

Dinner is a microcosm of this experience. It can’t be rushed. Of course we can’t have long dinners every night (Shabbos anyone?). And not everyone’s office is close to home. Compromises need to be made. But let’s be honest and realistic. We must examine our priorities. If it’s time with our children that we really want, and especially dinner time with our children, then we need to adjust our schedule accordingly.

About the Author

Emuna Braverman has a law degree from the University of Toronto and a Masters in in Clinical Psychology with an emphasis on Marriage and Family Therapy from Pepperdine University. She lives with her husband and nine children in Los Angeles where they both work for Aish HaTorah. When she isn''t writing for the Internet or taking care of her family, Emuna teaches classes on Judaism, organizes gourmet kosher cooking groups and hosts many Shabbos guests. She is the cofounder of www.gourmetkoshercooking.com.

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 8

(8)
Dvirah,
January 9, 2014 8:40 PM

My Two Cents

As the daughter of a working mother and as one myself, family dinners are a strictly Shabbat ritual. One of the reasons they are so special is that they are NOT everyday occurrances, so cannot become routine, boring or a "chore." The weekly interval gives everyone plenty to say and connecting them with Shabbat and Holidays also makes them more special than would an everyday routine.

(7)
Anonymous,
October 24, 2013 7:30 PM

I HATED family dinner growing up. My parents did not relate to us children on a individual level so for that reason dinner time felt like I was sitting with four strangers making superficial small talk pretending to be like a normal family when really we were highly dysfunctional!

So for the first ten or so years of motherhood we did not have dinner together because it just brought back terrible memories for me. But in the past year I have realized that instead of chasing after each of my children to eat dinner at some point in the evening, it would be MUCH easier for me to feed them all 5 at once, and yes, at one table. So this is what I have been trying to do recently. BUT I do not eat with them simply because I cannot sit for more than two minutes at a time with them without someone needing something and my needing to get up. AND I do not enjoy my meal in the midst of getting up and down, squabbling between the children and general often chaotic meal-time. Only on Shabbos my husband and I eat together with the kids. Some meals are more enjoyable than others. Its a work in progress...

Thank you Emuna for your enlightening articles.

(6)
Anonymous,
October 24, 2013 12:33 AM

Why such negative comments?

I thought the article was making a VERY important point. It's about clarifying and implementing priorities. And if possible, making the family dinner a part of life can add a lot of important aspects to childrens' lives as mentioned in the article. Everything in life doesn't need scientific proof, some things are just self-evident as beneficial. Yes if parents are mentally ill or other specific cicumstances, perhaps a family dinner would be too harsh. But I think the article was not addressing such circumstances. I too like to eat in peace and quiet, but I am learning (teaching myself) to relax and eat slowly and not get too focused on childrens' eating habits so I can join the family dinner. When I am feeling like the atmosphere at the dinner table is too scattered or too energetic, I suggest we go around and share two things we liked in our day, one thing we didn't like, and one thing we want to thank Hashem (G-d) for. So much gratitude comes out of everyone's mouths and also we get to hear about eachother's days which is just simple sharing and connecting time. It doesn't happen every night like clockwork, but a few nights a week is enough to get us in a groove of relaxing and enjoying eachother's company over dinner. I think the main point of the article is to recognize that a family dinner is overall benefical to kids' development and security, and to try to implement it when possible. If your work schedule doesn't allow, then as was suggested throughout the article, you always have Shabbos.

(5)
Eva,
October 22, 2013 11:21 PM

Wrong and sad

"By now everyone knows the benefits of family dinners – better grades, less obesity, less substance abuse, better relationships with parents and better mental health."

This is a perfect example of how statistically illiterate today's society is. The document cited was an observational study, which means that it simply observed correlations between variables. Observational studies are not controlled enough to make statements about causation. All of these supposed "links" between family dinners and academic performance/health can be explained away by two simple lurking variables: mental health and substance abuse issues of the parents, and socioeconomic status. It is far more likely that family dinners do not discourage mental health problems or substance abuse. Rather, family dinners are more common in families that have better parent-child relationships, less substance abuse, and fewer mental health problems in the first place. What child would be eager to have dinner with a parent who had a severe mental health disorder or an addiction? It goes without saying that the conclusions drawn from this study regarding health are completely backwards.As for the other two variables mentioned - better grades and less obesity - these are easily explained away by socioeconomic status. It is easier for wealthier families to buy fresh fruits and vegetables rather than foods high in fat and sugar content. Many of the cheapest foods in the supermarket are also the most unhealthy, leading to disproportionate levels of obesity among America's poor. Furthermore, children from upper-class families have more access to academic resources (tutors, extra textbooks, better school districts, private schools, etc.) than their lower-class counterparts.The sad fact is that this article could have had an excellent message about the importance of increasing family bonding, but it misses the point because it cannot take in a whole perspective more complex than what Ms. Emuna states.

(4)
Anonymous,
October 22, 2013 9:33 PM

I do not enjoy family dinners. It makes me feel very tight and uncomfortable and my family's eating habits bothers me. I enjoy having space and air and quiet when I eat.

(3)
Rochelle,
October 22, 2013 9:22 PM

You gotta do what works with your schedule

My husband commutes close to 2 hrs daily each way, so making the kids wait till8:30pm for supper, not an option. So we eat together shabbos meals and Sunday nite. You hope that gives them family time they need!

(2)
chava,
October 22, 2013 2:52 PM

not only sitting & eating together

I grew up with a family that ate together every night, with very few exceptions. I hated it. I thought it was a problem with me, so I never mentioned it. Then one day, around 40 years later, my sister mentioned that she also hated it. It seems there's more to this idea of a "family dinner" than you're mentioning.

(1)
Daniel,
October 22, 2013 2:49 PM

The Family Dinner

I work from 5 p.m.. until 5 a.m. everyday except Shabbos. My wife works 9 a.m. until 5 p.m. Mon. thru Fri. Please tell me how can we have "quantity time and quality time?" I'll be anxiously awaiting your response! Gut voch !

I've been striving to get more into spirituality. But it seems that every time I make some progress, I find myself slipping right back to where I started. I'm getting discouraged and feel like a failure. Can you help?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Spiritual slumps are a natural part of spiritual growth. There is a cycle that people go through when at times they feel closer to God and at times more distant. In the words of the Kabbalists, it is "two steps forward and one step back." So although you feel you are slipping, know that this is a natural process. The main thing is to look at your overall progress (over months or years) and be able to see how far you've come!

This is actually God's ingenious way of motivating us further. The sages compare this to teaching a baby how to walk. When the parent is holding on, the baby shrieks with delight and is under the illusion that he knows how to walk. Yet suddenly, when the parent lets go, the child panics, wobbles and may even fall.

At such times when we feel spiritually "down," that is often because God is letting go, giving us the great gift of independence. In some ways, these are the times when we can actually grow the most. For if we can move ourselves just a little bit forward, we truly acquire a level of sanctity that is ours forever.

Here is a practical tool to help pull you out of the doldrums. The Sefer HaChinuch speaks about a great principle in spiritual growth: "The external awakens the internal." This means that although we may not experience immediate feelings of closeness to God, eventually, by continuing to conduct ourselves in such a manner, this physical behavior will have an impact on our spiritual selves and will help us succeed. (A similar idea is discussed by psychologists who say: "Smile and you will feel happy.")

That is the power of Torah commandments. Even if we may not feel like giving charity or praying at this particular moment, by having a "mitzvah" obligation to do so, we are in a framework to become inspired. At that point we can infuse that act of charity or prayer with all the meaning and lift it can provide. But if we'd wait until being inspired, we might be waiting a very long time.

May the Almighty bless you with the clarity to see your progress, and may you do so with joy.

In 1940, a boatload 1,600 Jewish immigrants fleeing Hitler's ovens was denied entry into the port of Haifa; the British deported them to the island of Mauritius. At the time, the British had acceded to Arab demands and restricted Jewish immigration into Palestine. The urgent plight of European Jewry generated an "illegal" immigration movement, but the British were vigilant in denying entry. Some ships, such as the Struma, sunk and their hundreds of passengers killed.

If you seize too much, you are left with nothing. If you take less, you may retain it (Rosh Hashanah 4b).

Sometimes our appetites are insatiable; more accurately, we act as though they were insatiable. The Midrash states that a person may never be satisfied. "If he has one hundred, he wants two hundred. If he gets two hundred, he wants four hundred" (Koheles Rabbah 1:34). How often have we seen people whose insatiable desire for material wealth resulted in their losing everything, much like the gambler whose constant urge to win results in total loss.

People's bodies are finite, and their actual needs are limited. The endless pursuit for more wealth than they can use is nothing more than an elusive belief that they can live forever (Psalms 49:10).

The one part of us which is indeed infinite is our neshamah (soul), which, being of Divine origin, can crave and achieve infinity and eternity, and such craving is characteristic of spiritual growth.

How strange that we tend to give the body much more than it can possibly handle, and the neshamah so much less than it needs!