It's Armageddon people!

While the general public yawned at the latest mad cow/ SARS/ foot and mouth/ scrapie/ salmonella/ bird/ ovine flu developments, governments worldwide are bracing themselves for the unavoidable onslaught caused by ovine flu. The World Heath Organisation (WHO)has raised the threat level from orange to a slightly darker shade of orange and are advising people to burn their houses and eat their pets as Armageddon approaches.

A spokesman for the WHO said: "Yes this is definitely the most deadly of the scares we've had in recent years. Of all the diseases that didn't really do any damage this is definitely one of them. I mean, it's not as deadly as like malaria, AIDS, normal human flu, cancer or a proper disease or anything, but, you should definitely be terrified"

George Jackson, an accomplished architect currently on the unemployment benefit, said: "Swine flu eh? Well I might be more concerned about it if I wasn't rooting around in garbage bins looking for food, thanks to the banks and their bastard recession. Oh, are you going to finish that bacon sandwich?"

While Sharon Sharonson, off a flight from a third world South American country where 7 out of 100,000,000 of the countries population had died of swine flu had this to say when a microphone was rammed in her face: "Look, just piss off will you".

Meanwhile chemists across New Zealand were rubbing their hands together with glee with the news they could sell Tamiflu to anyone with a sniffle without having to consult a real doctor. Head pharmacist at Regal Chemists said: "Well we've had Tamiflu sitting here on shelves for 3 years so to be able to sell it at $75 a pop to any muppet who walks in is fantastic. And for those who can't afford Tamiflu we have sugar pills for half the price and they do basically the same thing"

Meanwhile Roche the creators of Tamiflu where unable to comment as their stock went through the roof as they were to busy swimming in piles of gold coins, much akin to Scrooge McDuck.

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