this world is bent on forcing us to do what we don’t want to do. the source of this compulsion is pressures from different forces within society, such as family, school, work, government, friendship, politics, etc. these forces pressure us to do what is “right”, “moral”, and/or what might please them for whatever reason we can come up with. i am a victim of this, constantly battling between what i want, what makes me happy, and what would make others around me happy. Another conflict is between what I believe would make my God happy versus the God of others — the God of compulsion, restriction, and authoritarianism; the God of Limits and Regulations.

All this boiling inside me stems from an even greater, global conflict between two forces — the force of freedom; that is, the freedom of individuals to live the life they’ve imagined for themselves; and second, the force of conformity; to live the life imagined by others.

I want to live the life I’ve imagined though, but I am scared to displease God and I am scared to displease those around me. I am afraid of being or committing evil — because that is not what I desire. My desires are what I desire — that part of man that is an enigma — our want, of whatever comes our way, be it the creation of a new song, the experience of a new woman, a trip to New York for a weekend, a show performance in Los Angeles. I want all that. In this world we are told that we need money to get all that — and yes, it’s true — you cannot do any of those things without paying for them; but I can’t worship and chase money. I want happiness. I want to feel that I am doing the things I love, earning recognition and prestige, without having to relegate myself — any longer — to the harsh conditions of miserable labor, whether its retail sales associate this or administrative assistant that. I want more out of life, to display myself to the world, my talents, both for the applause and the money, and for the mere feeling of self-fulfillment, that — I did something! — feeling. Accomplishment…destiny…you know?