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Depression & Outsmarting Self-Sabotage

Your own thoughts and behaviors, conscious and subconscious, may be holding you back. Step one: Identify the stumbling blocks. Step two: Positive intentions.

By Deborah Serani, PsyD

How can I get out of my own way?

When your own thoughts and behaviors undermine success, that’s known as self-sabotage. Let’s say, for example, you have an appointment for a lab test. You set your alarm and ready all your things for the morning. But when the next day arrives, you procrastinate and end up late for your appointment.

Such self-defeating behaviors often stem from a psychic conflict. The key is to identify your underlying thoughts and feelings—both conscious and subconscious.

ANALYZE YOUR ACTIONS: Determine the nature of your procrastination. Were you aware that you were dawdling but still dragged your feet? Did you linger in bed despite knowing you should be getting up? In short, were you conscious of your self-sabotaging behaviors?

Perhaps you couldn’t find your keys, lost track of time, or weren’t sure of the best route to the lab. You didn’t deliberately make yourself late, but subconsciously you did by not being more mindful.

IDENTIFY YOUR ATTITUDES: Conduct a similar review of your inner dialogue. The first layer consists of conscious thoughts—“I really wish I could sleep in,” or, “I don’t want to go to the appointment today”—that explains why you procrastinated. But what are the deeper, unarticulated feelings compromising your success?

Subconscious beliefs tend to be harder to identify, but once you’ve done so, you can untwist the knot of self-sabotage. Ask yourself what more might be going on within you. Are you upset? Perhaps you’re afraid? Are you frustrated? If so, why?

Deepening your self-inquiry might help you see that you’re scared to find out the lab results. Or maybe you anticipate the results will require a change in your diet and that’s not something you’re looking forward to doing. Or perhaps you’re worried that medication may be recommended and you’re reluctant to take a prescription.

REFRAME AND REDEFINE: To break your self-defeating cycle, create a positive intention designed to counteract the root cause. Start by acknowledging the sabotaging behavior, then offer yourself an antidote to its toxicity. For example:

“It would be great to sleep late, but this test is important for my health.”

“I’m dawdling because I’m fearful of the lab results, but being on time will allow me to take charge of my future.”

“Getting in my own way makes me feel like a failure. I don’t deserve to feel bad about myself.”

“I must map a route to the lab on my phone or program it into the GPS ahead of time because my driving skills aren’t great.”

How can I stay positive when I’m depressed?

Going through the steps to identify and counteract self-sabotaging thoughts will help over time. In the midst of a depression, however, it can feel daunting to try to sidestep discouraging and downbeat thoughts. Here are three rapid-relief measures you can try:

FEED YOUR SENSES: When you give your senses a sudden influx of something new, the feel-good hormones dopamine and oxytocin shift into play. Turn on some uplifting music. Gaze out the window to give your eyes a change of scenery. Take a walk. Draw in the aroma of a freshly brewed cup of coffee, then enjoy every sip.

You get the idea. Revive your body, and your mind and soul will follow.

REACH OUT: Depression often leads to isolation, so make sure you connect to others to keep the path positive. Pick up the phone and call a supportive friend or loved one. Even better, make immediate plans to see them in person.

USE POSITIVE SELF-TALK: A 2014 study from the University of Texas at Austin reports that self-compassionate phrases and positive language reduce depression and increase resiliency. So adopt an encouraging phrase as your mantra, such as: “I can do this,” “Things will get better,” or, “I am good enough.”

Deborah Serani, PsyD, is a licensed psychologist in private practice, a faculty member at Adelphi University, and the author of Living with Depression, Depression and Your Child, and Depression in Later Life: An Essential Guide (due out in June). She also manages her own depression, which was diagnosed in 1980.

4 COMMENTS

Gypsy

My daughter, now 25 , has had so many ups and downs. After being diagnosed with depression (this developed in her late teens/early 20’s) she was given medication which really helped, then out of the blue…everything reversed. She had this wonderful opportunity to volunteer with animals here that could work into full time,,,she has repeatedly called in due to no energy. She will not look for paying work nor go to school. In 6 months she will no longer have insurance due to I will no longer be able to cover her because of her age. She went to one therapist who told her she was hopeless and a loser..I was in shock, now she has refused to see another. I have somewhat of a glimmer of hope after reading this, and am going to read some of your books to see if somehow we all can pull through this. It’s heartbreaking to see someone you love go through this.

Andrew

I’m 56 years old & have suffered from major depression all my life. I have an on going pattern of self-sabotage. The latest example is alarming simple. 2 years ago I purchased a small studio apartment after living in rental accommodation for some years. When I collected the keys, the address details were on the key tag. Recently, I accidentally left my keys in my office kitchen and were found by a colleague. The address tag was still attached, an obvious risk to my personal security. I am deeply concerned that I had failed to recognise this risk and taken the simple step of removing the tag. Fortunately, I have suffered no material loss as a consequence. I must have had an angel sitting on my shoulder! However, I am, of course, extremely embarrassed by the episode. I had felt that I had been relatively stable but now feel that my mental health has been compromised by this sheer stupidity.

James

That is not a big deal. But I also feel sometimes after doing something stupid that I’m so stupid I don’t deserve to live!! I hope you can deal with your feelings and I send light your way for peace for your mind God with you

James

That is not a big deal. But I also feel sometimes after doing something stupid that I’m so stupid I don’t deserve to live!! I hope you can deal with your feelings and I send light your way for peace for your mind God with you

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HEALTHY HABITS

Most of us don’t default to healthy habits. It takes planning and effort, and sometimes a surge of self-discipline, to eat right, exercise, get the sleep we need, and stay on top of work and life tasks. Establishing new habits, let alone purging bad ones, can require major effort, especially if we are also struggling with depression or anxiety. What are some good habits that you've formed and how did you build them?