The government, seeking to prepare the public for tough austerity measures in next week's budget, talks about "progressive" cuts. Since progress is generally recognised to be a good thing, sticking the word "progressive" in front of something painful – a cut, for instance – is a nifty way to soften the blow. This talismanic power should be applied in other contexts.

Progressive torture The kind carried out on behalf of democratic governments by their allies in the Middle East. An expedient to prevent imminent terrorist attack and not at all like the beastly torture carried out by despotic regimes.

Progressive climate change Exceptional meteorological conditions that allow governments to indulge the whims of the oil and gas industries and fail to support sustainable energy sources, while also demanding ambitious targets for global CO2 reduction.

Progressive traffic A queue of cars, waiting to park near a farmers' market, in which drivers feel too guilty about driving to moan.

Progressive assault The punch that is thrown in a pub when an argument over electoral reform turns ugly.

Progressive sprouts They look just like ordinary Brussels sprouts but are genetically modified to taste like Ferrero Rocher.