“Actually looking through the data we have collated since the 1970s, we can now see that the Big Bang was more of a little puff of galactic burpage. Like the universe expanded out at low velocity from a very mild bang. If you ever heard a bubble gum burst it would be quieter than that, but slightly louder than a faint hand clap. Oh wait, there’s no sound in space, scratch that analogy. There would have been a faint smoky light, not more than that emitted from a tiny birthday cake candle. That’s what I meant,” professor Ernest Winklebottom, told a group of scientists at this year’s annual Science Symposium.

According to the standard theory, our universe sprang into existence with a “Big Bang” around 13.7 billion years ago. We now know that the Big Bang was like a tiny puff of smoke and the universe slowly eased out of that little whiff like a spoonful of jam flopping on the floor with an unremarkable splat.

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