DRIVEN Professionalshttps://drivenpros.com
Thu, 21 Feb 2019 19:01:58 +0000en-UShourly1https://wordpress.org/?v=5.0.3Celebrate Every Win— And Put Your Impostor In Her Place!https://drivenpros.com/2019/02/celebrate-every-win-and-put-your-impostor-in-her-place/
Tue, 19 Feb 2019 14:05:06 +0000https://drivenpros.com/?p=10021Marinating on the things you did today to contribute to your career is a simple yet extraordinarily effective way to weaken the influence of the impostor and reverse the Impostor Syndrome. Recognizing all you do, particularly through the act of confidence journaling, is one of the key themes of my recent article Stretch, Grow & Thrive: Building The Confidence to Defeat The Impostor. If you caught that article, have you engaged with your confidence journal? How has your experience been? How does it feel to acknowledge that each day you make multiple, tiny, positive leaps forward for your own career, for your team’s function, for your clients’ needs, and for the success of your firm? Do you sense the impostor who lives within is beginning to suffer defeat? Recognizing all the steps you take to build confidence is one essential part of the impostor’s overthrow.

Here’s another question to answer honestly, with a little guidance: How often do you celebrate your accomplishments and successes?

A). “I celebrate my accomplishments and achievements every day.”

B). “I celebrate only the biggies, like receiving a raise or a promotion.”

C). “I mean to celebrate, but I never get around to it.”

D). “Who has time to celebrate?”

E). “I have nothing to celebrate.”

If your response is not letter “A”, your next step is to begin to celebrate the tiny wins. This doesn’t mean popping Champagne and lighting cigars every day; rather, a silent “way to go” is in order for all that you do each day to live your values and further your personal and professional efforts. In other words, the things that make you you.

Here’s another angle: Consider the continual contribution you give to your colleagues. You helped Martha brainstorm for a presentation that she was struggling with, you sent that proposal draft to your manager, and you got to the client site on-time. Why should the notion that all of these acts are part of your job stop you from engaging in a virtual fist pump? After all, if you’d experienced the opposite outcome, like arriving late at the client site, you wouldn’t hesitate to beat yourself up for it. Or at the very least you’d feel anxious, rushed and impatient going into the meeting, which promotes the flow of cortisol and the corresponding negativity, thereby inflating the impostor’s shadow and causing you to feel smaller in your body. It’s simply not a beneficial formula.

The Chemistry of Celebration

Celebration, you see, is the key to resetting your neurochemistry. It constitutes as the second part of the definition for confidence. Celebration, or recognition of your efforts, is the trigger that allows you to spring into action for future opportunities. It affords you the courage to stretch out of your comfort zone, and try again, no matter the circumstance.

Consider this: Each time you arrive at a client site on-time and give yourself a silent “rock on”, your brain releases little hits of oxytocin, dopamine and endorphins. Neurochemically, this leaves you feeling a greater sense of connection, comfort, focus, attention and security. All of these tiny acknowledgements help retrain that brain from running right towards your instinctual negativity bias, and continues to deeply carve out the neuropathway towards appreciation.

The fascinating thing about these tiny celebrations is that your brain doesn’t know the difference between arriving at a prospect meeting on-time and converting that prospect to a client, since the same hit of oxytocin and dopamine is received. The not-so-special part is that oxytocin remains in the body for about 5 hours, while cortisol— the stress hormone, hangs out more than 5 times longer. We desperately need the celebrations!

While celebration is vital, it’s not the sole nutrient of the spirit. More tools are needed to release perfectionism and the impostor syndrome from our lives. One example is the ever-elusive self-care and the inclination to neglect ourselves. We want to be there for others, and in the process, we don’t believe we deserve or have time to do what’s best for our own well-being.

In a future article, I’ll explore releasing the tendency towards martyrism and re-leasing life through the lens of self-care— both on a macro level (our greater energy of Mental, Physical, Spiritual, Emotional) and on a micro-level of movement and tiny changes in diet and mindset to nurture your different physiologies and holistic wellness. It might sound new-agey, but I assure you it’s science-based. But before that, check back in a week for an article that’s chock-full of resources related to DRIVEN’s recent topicality, including the Impostor Syndrome. You’ll be amazed at what we’ve been able to compile, and you’ll be glad you engaged!

]]>Stretch, Grow & Thrive: Building The Confidence to Defeat The Impostorhttps://drivenpros.com/2019/02/stretch-grow-thrive-building-the-confidence-to-defeat-the-impostor/
Tue, 12 Feb 2019 16:28:54 +0000https://drivenpros.wpengine.com/?p=9984Unbeknownst to you, you’ve already begun your confidence-building practice, thanks to your recent discovery of the Growth Mindset. Here’s how it breaks down: Step 1: Accepting that you’re going to fail daily, perhaps multiple times, as a result of the 35,000 decisions made each-and-every day! Step 2: These mistakes do not add up to you being a “failure”, but rather a work in progress. Step 3: If, with every failure, you learn a lesson to apply for the future, you’re ready to enjoy the feeling of confidence! Try all of these on for size; There’s no shame in failure— that’s saved for lost opportunities.

Sadly, the Impostor Syndrome constricts more talented people than chronic illness and diabetes. These otherwise healthy victims are letting priceless opportunities glide right by. The Impostor makes us our own worst enemies, causing us to bully ourselves harshly in an instinctive attempt to protect ourselves with armor. It’s called basic survival, as our primitive brain instinctually knows that if we can convince ourselves to play it safe, we’ll be safe. Although we as humans fear shame more than physical pain, our executive brain (the Prefrontal Cortex) knows the opposite is true; if we don’t take chances and stretch, we can’t grow and thrive.

The solution is to take the title of decisionmaker away from the Impostor. Simply prove her wrong and shut her down! Look with perspective at what you’ve done in your life— the challenges you’ve overcome, the successes you’ve achieved, and the lessons learned from your failures. This thoughtful exercise will conspicuously confiscate energy from the helpless servant known as the impostor and hand it over to the captain of your journey: You!

When you shift the Impostor’s initial frantic reaction of “why me?” to “why NOT me?”, your confidence muscle bulks up. The secret is to incorporate a celebration practice into your life. Confidence will allow you to recognize that you DO have the resources for accomplishment, whether it be the expertise, the network, the tenacity, or the willingness to stick with it. Confidence is the BELIEF. And because of that belief, your ship can set sail on unchartered waters. Celebration will then serve to retrain your brain so the impulse of belief in yourself is strengthened, prompting you to stretch, grow and master.

So How Do You Build Confidence?

It sounds complicated and mystical, but takes reflection, self-compassion, a growth mindset and perspective. Grab a pen and paper, a cup of tea or glass of wine, and set a timer for 15 minutes. Begin to consider some ‘wins’ from your past. You may, of course, think about workplace situations and personal scenarios:

When have you been under the gun, or found yourself in dire circumstances?

How did it feel at first? What were your thoughts? What did you do?

How did you handle the crisis?

What were the positive impacts of your thoughts, actions and behaviors?

What would you do differently if that situation came about again, right now?

Next, acknowledge that you’ve been resourceful in your past. Do NOT discount the wins, for it’s the hundreds of tiny successes you experience each day that can serve to build your confidence over time. Take a few moments to honor yourself with a “way to go” or “rock on” or “thanks for being brave”. How does it feel? You’ve just taken your first step to managing the impostor! The next step will take you about three minutes each day, and the rewards will come back to you a million-fold.

Dear Journal…

I once again invite you to begin journaling. Add a twist to the gratitude journal you may have started last month or step into your identity as a journaler starting today! As you’re considering what you’re grateful for, marinate on three things you did today to contribute to your career, your team, your job or your clients. Be grateful for these actions instead of rushing over the grit and resilience you employ daily. Recognize all you do.

What’s that? You feel some resistance in your attempt to feel accomplished? Past DRIVEN clients have found it challenging to accept this notion, considering it boastful, bragging and immodest. But such thinking is like an energy drink for the Impostor. Instead of thinking, “Yes, I helped my teammate solve the problem, but that’s just part of my job”, reframe it to, “Yes and I’m good at it. I have an expertise and I’m contributing.”

A confidence journal is potent. Not only does it force you to recognize just how much you actually do and are capable of doing, but it serves as a living document— a running history of your growth, your stumbles and challenges, and how you’ve overcome setbacks. When reviewed, the journal has the power to build your confidence. So, after a week of journaling, take five minutes to thumb through. Good stuff? All adds up? How does it make you feel?

A Confidence Journal is a great first step. Exponential growth comes when you incorporate a celebration practice into your life. More on that in my next article.

]]>Far From Perfect: The Reasons Behind Your Impostor Syndromehttps://drivenpros.com/2019/02/far-from-perfect-the-reasons-behind-your-impostor-syndrome/
Wed, 06 Feb 2019 00:00:28 +0000https://drivenpros.wpengine.com/?p=9942Part of the frustration and desperation behind perfectionism is a need to keep the magic trick going. “People think I’m smart, and accomplished, and confident. When is someone going to peek behind that curtain, yank it back and expose the real me? I know I’m not all that great. It’s ‘only me’.” Another biggie is “I got lucky this time, but my luck won’t continue forever.” Have you ever had one of these conversations with yourself?

You’re not the only “me” out there. And not to sound redundant, but much like with perfectionism, a tremendous number of people suffer from the Impostor Syndrome— more than you might imagine. Studies show that most of us, both men and women, suffer from “Impostorism”, which is Amy Cuddy’s name for the Impostor Syndrome. I got a glimpse into this common form of human suffering as I did a nationwide tour for a client to help their employees understand the true challenges and rewards of confidence. The pre-workshop assessment revealed a statistic that I first thought was out of whack but was in fact accurate: 70% of this fleet of impressive motivated professionals experienced Impostor Episodes.`How could it be possible that these overachievers were not confident in their seemingly demonstrated and sustained achievements? Well, just as a belly ache could be the result of many possible illnesses, Impostor Syndrome is the result of multiple challenges rising from within you, from around you, and due to your human ability to adapt. Let’s explore.

“It’s Only Me. No Big Deal.”

While distilling down perfectionism, one of the realities revealed is that we’re harder on ourselves than anyone else would dare to be. We also tend to discount our accomplishments. For instance, when we’re gifted in an area, we deprive ourselves the realization that we’re special. We assume “since I can do it, anyone can”, and (even more threatening to confidence and adding gasoline to the Impostor’s fire), “if I know this, everyone must”, which severely erodes confidence.

Add to our tendency to be negative to ourselves the fact that once we achieve something, after the excitement wears off, we’re back to living our very unglamorous lives. This phenomenon is called Hedonic Adaptation, and you may recognize instances when you’ve experienced this. Remember when you got a promotion and a raise and it was exhilarating, and then before long, things felt just normal again? How about a new home or car? Same exhilaration and then almost in an instant, not so exciting anymore. Think of Hedonic Adaptation as the different honeymoon periods of your life. You receive an award and become honored and recognized by your community, and then you forget about it. The reinforcement of your impressiveness recedes as new challenges and anxieties about the future enter the picture. You’re left being “OK”, but not great.

Too Concerned with Looking Forward, Never Looking Back

The other personal disservice is looking at our lives and careers in the wrong direction. We’re always told to keep our eye on the future. But when we’re consumed with looking forward at what’s still left to accomplish, we feel inferior because there’s such a long road ahead. It’s soul-crushing to me to realize that people are entranced, running on that hamster wheel of life, never taking a moment to reflect back on how far they’ve come, how they’ve slowly amassed expertise and elegance in managing their business— not perfectly, but resourcefully and thoughtfully.

Comparing Ourselves to Others

Impostor Syndrome is also myopic. We attempt to compare ourselves to others while only seeing mere slivers of others’ lives. We don’t witness their times of doubt, sadness and disappointment— only our own. And thanks to social media, the pictures that others present regarding their lives can be inauthentic facades focusing only on the celebratory moments. It brings to mind the quote, “Be kind to everyone you meet, for each is fighting a great personal battle”. Strangely, you’d never guess that many who seem most accomplished, confident and in-control may be falling apart inside.

Apples with Oranges

Filling another’s career shoes can prompt us to create unrealistic parallels. Recently when Alice, a cherished colleague of mine got a promotion, it puzzled me that she did NOT sound terribly excited about her new opportunity. Turns out, Alice was concerned because the woman she was replacing was well-regarded and had mastered the position, hence her promotion. After learning that her predecessor had been in the position for 10 years, I asked Alice for permission to reframe the scenario. I told her to imagine the admired woman 10 years ago, as she first assumed the position, and how much she must have learned over the ensuing decade. When I made the analogy of a recently bottled wine versus a fully-mature wine, I could hear Alice audibly sigh in relief!

Following this overview of why people experience the impostor syndrome, I will dive in with you in my next article about how you, yourself can begin mitigating these tendencies and show up like you absolutely belong.

]]>Deeper Insight: Your Growth Mindset & Self-Compassion Resource Linkshttps://drivenpros.com/2019/01/deeper-insight-your-growth-mindset-self-compassion-resource-links/
Tue, 29 Jan 2019 14:00:01 +0000https://drivenpros.wpengine.com/?p=9559January has clearly been our month to explore the drawbacks of perfectionism. I hope you’ve been following us on this journey and are already benefiting from the insight and advice we’ve been offering. For instance, in my recent article Re-Leasing Your Life: The 2 Greatest Strengths You’re Not Embracing, it was demonstrated how laughing at yourself and learning from your failures are two of the best techniques for practicing self-compassion and achieving a growth mindset. Have you tried them yet? And have you been able to release those pesky perfectionistic tendencies that have been holding you back?

As it turns out, there’s much more where this came from. DRIVEN has explored the dynamics of the Growth Mindset and Self-Compassion at various points in the past. And as you’ll soon discover, we’re not the only source offering such insight. Here are some of our favorite resources to help you take this investigation even further. Check them out, and then reach out to us. We’d love to hear what resonates!

ON THE GROWTH MINDSET:

Carol Dweck’s TED Talk: The originator of the Growth Mindset explains this complex concept simply and delightfully. Link to the video HERE.

Changing Your Tune: You can study the difference between the Growth Mindset and the Fixed Mindset using This Chart developed by Carol Dweck. How often do you find yourself thinking or saying something in the left column? Begin “changing your tune” by changing your thinking using thoughts, feelings and ACTIONS from the right column.

Guy Winch’s TED Talk: We waste no time thinking about physical first aid, but we often forget how important Emotional First Aid is. Winch’s TED Talk is a must-watch to illustrate to perfectionists how they are bridling themselves from living their greatest potential. Link to the video HERE.

The Bruce Lee Podcast: Did you know that besides being an astoundingly graceful martial artist, Bruce Lee was also an important philosopher? His daughter hosts a weekly podcast that shares the philosophies of this wise man who left us all too soon. An episode exploring compassion was especially moving and relevant.

DRIVEN’s Website as a Fantastic Resource: We’ve written quite a bit about Self-Compassion. Give yourself the gift of 20 minutes and catch up on some of our highlights:

More, More!: If you’d like to explore more about Self-Compassion, check out the website developed by one of the world’s leading experts on the subject: Kristin Neff.

Jumpstarting Your Self-Compassion: Want to begin a Self-Compassion practice that will lead to some instant results? Start a gratitude journal! First thing in the morning, or last thing before bedtime, write down three things you’re grateful for. Don’t write the same things each day. Think about what specific sight, event, feeling or person made you grateful that day: the full moon last night, the silence of the early morning, or the personal scheduling efforts that got you off to an energized start today.

Deborah’s Inspirational Quotes: I’ve developed some quotes that give me clearer perspective on self-compassion each time I refer back to them. They’re featured as images in this very article! Use them creatively for your own daily inspiration. Maybe even paste a copy of each to the inside covers of your gratitude journal and see where it takes you.

In my follow-up article, I’ll move from Perfectionism to another state of mind that most of us battle: The Impostor Syndrome, which will be the theme of February’s “release”.

]]>Re-Leasing Your Life: The 2 Greatest Strengths You’re Not Embracinghttps://drivenpros.com/2019/01/re-leasing-your-life-the-2-greatest-strengths-youre-not-embracing/
Tue, 22 Jan 2019 13:06:50 +0000https://drivenpros.wpengine.com/?p=9525As part of DRIVEN’s yearlong exploration of my 2019 Word of the Year— “Release”, we’re ExperiMenting with a special blogging format. At the beginning of each month, I’ll offer a thought, feeling or behavior that makes sense to release. Later in the month, I’ll dig into how to reframe the thought, feeling or behavior in order to re-lease your life. Applying some simple principles of neuroplasticity and setting some intentional practices are enough to turn a previous way of being into a present and future strength that serves you well.

This month, we’ve discovered why striving for perfectionism is futile, as no human is capable of being perfect. I hope the three tips I’ve offered to address perfectionism have been helpful. This releasing of perfectionism means adopting and practicing the Growth Mindset and Self-Compassion. Let’s jump in and discover why.

Laughter IS the Best Medicine.

Self-Compassion is an expression I would have scoffed at as my former perfectionist self. “I don’t deserve pity, comfort or kindness.” Part of me used to just say, “suck it up”. Another part believed that if I were good to myself, it would make me weak, lazy and an unfit business person. But as I’ve become self-compassionate, life has gotten FAR sweeter! And it all began for me with laughter— specifically, learning to laugh at myself! Once I made the effort to see things with perspective and ask myself questions like, “How important will this be in a week, a month, or a year from now?” and acknowledge that it may not have been the best, but was it my best at the time, I can then devise a punchline for the future. Even in the most ridiculous, high-stress situations, we can ALL find humor.

I put this challenge into practice last November, as I stood in front of a team of 80 marketing professionals, delivering a workshop for which I had only 3 days to prepare. My work was tailored to the specific client, and this client had supreme aspirations for the session. As I walked into the meeting space, I said to myself, “This will not be the best workshop I’ve delivered, but I certainly did my best to make it what it is”. It was a fortunate mindset to be in, since at one point in the delivery, there was a disconnect and the audience lost me. As a result, I began losing them, and in that moment, I could feel my heart racing, my stomach beginning to knot and a bead of sweat rolling down my spine. I paused, took a deep breath, and on a dime, shifted the energy in the room. I began asking questions, I said something funny, and then I had an insight— an analogy to help regain a connection with the group.

I left the building a bit embarrassed that day, but with a promise not to beat myself up. After all, I had done my best. I learned some lessons and thought about how I could deliver the same material more effectively in the future. Before I knew it, I had that laugh with myself!

Leaning Into Failure

Concerning the question, “How can I do better in the future?”, this sort of curiosity gets straight to the heart of the Growth Mindset. It demonstrates how once your defenses go down about not being perfect in the moment, real growth is possible. In an ironic and twisted way, your perfectionistic tendencies are actually restricting your potential!

As Carol Dweck, the architect of the concept of the Growth Mindset suggests, you failed but you’re not a failure, and you’ll do better next time. This was valuable insight for me while I was seeking council from a colleague before I launched DRIVEN. I was consumed at the time by the fear of failure. My aspirations were immense, which didn’t mix well with my healthy dose of risk aversion. At the time, I grew vulnerable to the fear, and my confidence was waning. That’s when my colleague shared the fact that Israeli entrepreneurs are more likely to get a loan from a bank if they’d had a failed enterprise than if they are new to business. Wow! What a psychological boost that gave me!

Today, as the Growth Mindset has seeped into my DNA, I find myself leaning into multiple mistakes I make daily, hungry to learn how to pivot into a strong and long-lasting success. “Look for the lesson” is now my default, and I invite you to try it on for size. You have absolutely NOTHING to lose. And as Dweck elaborates on in her TED Talk, people with a Growth Mindset have increased electrical activity in the brain when addressing an error compared to those with a fixed mindset. The former brain can engage deeply, and because of this, the person is able to process an error, learn from the error and correct the error. To me, that means they are getting better— not perfect, but better.

In order to make this self-compassion more palatable, I’ve developed a couple of mantras. I invite you to use them as you find yourself coming up short in your mind: “I’m not perfect. I am perfectly human!” and “I’m doing my best, even if it’s not the best.”

In my follow-up article, I’ll offer great resources to continue your research and learn about how to Release Perfectionism!

If you enjoy what you’re reading and are considering living life more fully, schedule a complimentary consultative session with DRIVEN HERE.

]]>Reframing Perfectionism: Three Steps Toward Being “Perfectly Human” at Workhttps://drivenpros.com/2019/01/reframing-perfectionism-three-steps-toward-being-perfectly-human-at-work/
Tue, 15 Jan 2019 14:03:56 +0000https://drivenpros.wpengine.com/?p=9400Perfectionism is a condition, a trap, and a self-imposed state of shame that affects many of us, often unbeknownst to us. It also happens to be a consequence of inevitably coming up short when our expectations were unrealistic in the first place. In my recent article Perfectly Human: Evading The Trap of Perfectionism, I came clean on my own perfectionist tendencies, sharing the story of my inner critic Eve and offering insight on avoiding the perfectionism traps that await us along the path of life. I hope you’ve read that article and have meditated on the three steps toward accepting yourself as imperfect yet Perfectly Human.

Let’s now dig a little deeper into those three steps as they apply to the workplace setting.

Gauging The Deliverables

As I’ve mentioned before, a big first step to managing the obsessive state of perfectionism is to recognize that we are harder on ourselves than anyone else could ever be on us. I find that this draconian self-judgment is often based on emotion. For instance, the false conundrum of “having it all” is at the root of self-imposed disappointment for many of us. Parents, especially women, feel pressure to “do it all” in order to get there, and naturally, emotions become their roadblocks. They feel guilty while at work because they should be at home with the kids, and guilty while at home because they’re not tending to their career.

A grounding mindset to help manage these guilty feelings is to set clear expectations for yourself before a project, assignment or undertaking to determine what is acceptable for the circumstance. Sheryl Sandberg reminds us that “Done is better than perfect”. To extend (or leverage) her wise words, do a pre-mortem to determine what “done” looks like for you. What constitutes as complete? What is fair to submit as promised work? Perhaps the old adage of “under-promising and overdelivering” can be reframed as delivering a thorough and thoughtful composite of what was agreed upon when it was promised. A dispassionate analysis of these two dimensions may constitute a self-check to determine when you are doing work that isn’t truly adding additional value to the deliverable.

Releasing Those Anxieties

A second step is to embrace the notion that there is no roadmap to life’s success. While working with rising managers and leaders, I’ve noticed they often inquire about what they “should” do to become a valued leader. They seek a punch list— a template for their rise. They feel insecure if they don’t have all the answers up front. I assure them that if they lead with their strengths, stay curious, remain in-tune with their gut and focus on building relationships, they can steer their careers more organically. as I write this, I suppose we do use a ‘punchlist’ as our coaching roadmap. For those who remain skeptical or resistant, I suggest that they become comfortable with “messy”, recognizing and accepting that uncertainty will be a constant in their careers. Those who can release their anxieties about this uncertainty and can let go of preconceived notions of what “should” be are then guided by the principles of their strengths and their track record.

Taking Ownership

Step three towards being perfectly human is to embrace mistakes. This might sound entirely counter-intuitive in our dog-eat-dog world. But don’t forget: we make mistakes every day, and if we’renot making mistakes, we’re not learning and growing. It’s alarming to think about how much time people spend trying to cover their tushes and deflect any blame onto others. Taking ownership when you make a mistake can be incredibly powerful. It breaks down others’ resistance to defending themselves, it positions you as a trustworthy (not backstabbing) colleague or service provider, and you carve out space to authentically address possible solutions to the blunder. Rest assured, I speak from experience:

There were 2 separate occasions that come to mind from my restaurant ownership years wherein first-time guests were rightfully annoyed and complained about waitstaff mishaps. In each instance, I didn’t make excuses for myself or place the blame on those at fault. Rather, I empathetically apologized, took full responsibility, and offered some options to rectify the mishap. As a result, not only were the situations diffused, but the guests in question became my most loyal customers going forward! To this day, this approach serves as one of my life’s greatest lessons, as I embrace the opportunity to learn from my daily blunders and misses.

Amazingly, it would be another 15 years after my restaurant days before I even learned about the Growth Mindset, which is a key element in Re-Leasing perfectionism. This is what I’ll explore in my follow-up article.

And one last note about the office before I close: Many women bosses I work with find themselves in a workplace conundrum, fearful they’re coming off as bossy or overly-assertive to those they manage. If this strikes a chord with you, be sure to sign up for THIS FRIDAY’s OfficeHours, Being A Boss Without Being A Bitch.

If you enjoy what you’re reading and are considering living life more fully, schedule a complimentary consultative session with DRIVEN HERE.

]]>Perfectly Human: Evading The Trap of Perfectionismhttps://drivenpros.com/2019/01/perfectly-human-evading-the-trap-of-perfectionism/
Tue, 08 Jan 2019 15:04:33 +0000https://drivenpros.wpengine.com/?p=9318The word “perfect” is a superlative. When it’s not being used to describe the ultimate in sophisticated cocktails— the Perfect Manhattan, it translates to “second to none, ideal, flawless, impeccable, the ultimate”. As such, the word can never (another superlative) be used in reference to oneself. This is not a rule of grammar; it’s a survival technique. Since we humans cannot attain the state of perfection for more than a fleeting moment, if we think of “perfect” in reference to ourselves, by our very nature we come up short. The consequence is inevitably a self-imposed state of shame for not achieving the unachievable….a silly predicament to trap oneself in. Wouldn’t you agree?

Perfectionism is a condition that affects many of us, whether we know it or not. For instance, do you feel you keep coming up short? That you’re not enough? That your output could have invariably been better? Do you have a voice in your head that’s perpetually scolding you, finding fault with everything you do? I rest my case. And, you’re not alone.

Throughout this month, I invite you to reflect on how perfectionism seeps into your professional and personal lives. Self-awareness is essential in managing perfectionism, as we are each vulnerable to different biases. There’s no one-size-fits-all answer to managing emotional wellbeing, but some small pivots can add up to BIG change. We’ll investigate some re-framings that have been effective with DRIVEN clients, and with me. I hope they serve as a launch pad for your evolution from perfectionism to embracing the liberating reality that you are Perfectly Human.

Read on to discover how perfectionism had a stranglehold on my life, and be inspired to Release your own.

All About Eve

Meet my inner critic, Eve (short for Evil). You may have read about her before. Eve used to be the background banter in my life, sometimes screaming so loudly I couldn’t even hear myself think. She was quick to point out every endeavor that “could have” or “should have” been better contrived, more impeccably planned, more aptly timed and more skillfully executed with superior outcomes. This sunk me into a perpetual state of self-loathing, fear, frustration, low self-esteem, and embarrassment. I was coming up short at every turn, and felt I was no longer in control. Anxiety silently intruded my thoughts, instinctually releasing cortisol to manage the perceived threat, and fogging my brain. I became psychologically short-sighted.

Fast forward two decades and I’m more agile at releasing my perfectionist tendencies. It feels pretty darned good! As a recovering perfectionist, I’ve learned to manage Eve, reining in her devious ways. Anxiety has subsided, yielding to greater clarity regarding the trap of perfectionism. It’s fascinating and satisfying to know that what I perceive as greater clarity has neuroscientific evidence to back it up. I’m not imagining things after all! I hope that my history with this struggle serves to help you in bypassing the emotional pain of perfectionism.

The Origins of Perfectionism

Everywhere we turn, we’re being told how we “should” be. You’re likely well-aware of the alluring marketing behind beauty and wealth, and it will probably not surprise you that according to a 2017 Harris Poll, “When most women look in the mirror, their first thought is that they need to lose weight, regardless of whether they need to or not.” How frustrating, but entirely predictable.

Body image, beauty, “youth” and standards of wealth are marketed slyly to our subconscious, perpetually. But many of us have another frontier to acknowledge and manage when it comes to perfectionism: our families and community experience including the implied expectations of others. What starts as pressure for good grades in school mutates to getting into the “perfect” college, and then transforms to pursuing the ideal career path. And it doesn’t stop there. Once on this path, many of us face the insecurity, second-guessing and paranoia associated with success, which doesn’t culminate unless we win each promotion and arrive in the corner office. Sound familiar?

The actions associated with our perfectionistic desire to achieve materialize as obsessing, constantly over-delivering, and a perpetual inner nagging to squeeze in “just one more task”. We might come to the state of perfectionism honestly, but make no mistake— perfectionism is SELF-IMPOSED.

We might come to the state of perfectionism honestly, but make no mistake— perfectionism is SELF-IMPOSED. ~Deborah Goldstein #Release #perfectionismClick To Tweet

Three Steps Toward Perfectly Human

A first step to managing this obsessive state is to recognize we are harder on ourselves than anyone else could ever be on us. Think about it: Would you ever utter the unthinkable words out loud that you say to yourself?

A second step is to embrace the notion that there is no roadmap to life success. Our journeys are unique to each of us. When you take ownership of your travels and consider your values, your needs, and what gives you satisfaction as your directional signals, you will shatter the illusion of what’s supposed to be and clear some space for what you want to attract into your life.

The third step towards being perfectly human is to embrace mistakes. Sounds absurd at first. I’ll explore this step in my follow-up article in the context of the workplace. But for now, get into the mindset by considering the pressures you put on yourself to be the perfect employee, boss, spouse and parent.

If you’d like to engage on a deeper level, and are interested in learning about individual coaching, schedule a complimentary consultative session HERE.

Before my 2019 Word of the Year is revealed, give yourself a gift:
Take a momentary tour of your consciousness and assess your emotional state. Start
by inhaling deeply. Go on. Pull the air through your nostrils. Does it tickle a
bit? Is the air cold or warm? Feel how the air fills your lungs. Notice how your
chest expands. Ahhhh. Now expel the air, slowly. How does that feel?

Congratulations, you’ve just practiced mindfulness! For those of
you who have committed to meditation & mindfulness as a New Year’s
resolution, take one more moment to give yourself a mental fist pump. Celebrate
the fact that you’re on your way! I’ll stand by.

Meditation and mindfulness have become important practices in my
life. For full disclosure, I’m not a traditional meditator by any stretch. Like
most of my productivity
practices, I’ve adapted meditation to best serve my needs. I formally
meditate, as in I “find an upright position where I’m both comfortable and
alert”, 4 to 5 times a week for about 20 minutes per sitting (“mediation lite”
for my TM-practicing friends). But whether it’s a one-minute meditation before
a business meeting, or just a single cleansing breath, I’m tapping into the
power of meditation and mindfulness every time.

I use these quick hits of existence to check in with myself. The
deliberate inhalation serves as an anchor, bringing me to the present— a real-time
assessment of what I’m feeling. In a fleeting instant I attune physically,
mentally, spiritually and emotionally: “What is my state?” Are my hands
clenched? What’s that slight irritation right below my consciousness? Is it anxiety?
Judgment? Defensiveness? Impatience? Excitement? Then I release luxuriously,
simply letting go. That sweet exhalation of breath is the turning point responsible
for settling down my entire nervous system.

Once the breath is expended, I have a choice of what to breathe in
again. Instead of anxiety, I can choose to breathe in gratitude, hope, or even humor.
You get the picture. With each release, one becomes capable of choice. This, my
friends, has inspired my 2019 Word of the Year: Release! This word will
also serve as the model for DRIVEN’s explorations throughout the coming year,
including the different angles and dimensions of “Release” and an intentional
modification: “Re-lease”.

The
Variations on “Release”

As my friend and colleague Dom DiPasquale once observed, “You are
the CEO of your life”. Yet, due to the lightning-speed pacing of our lives, we often
end up in-trance, trapped on that professional hamster wheel, perpetually on
the run and frustrated because we never quite arrive. Do you ever feel like
you’re either holding your breath or out of breath? By pausing and
intentionally releasing thoughts, feelings and actions that don’t serve us, we
clear enough mind space to re-lease life, and design the ideal life we deserve
to enjoy.

As it turns out, we humans have a lot to release. Besides
mindfulness about breathing, these are some of the practices I’d been working
with when the word “release” presented itself:

Physical Release: Unbeknownst to us, we walk around clenched. Check in with three spots and mindfully unclench: your jaw, your hands and your butt cheeks. To go one step farther, massage the the vagus nerve.You can stimulate it by giving yourself a head massage at the back of the skull where it meets the neck.

Mental Release: “Empty your mind.” Bruce Lee was not only a kung fu master but also a great philosopher (admired for it post-mortem, unfortunately). This saying, along with “like water my friend”, refers to releasing, letting go, and being open to influence.

Emotional Release: When walking up a waterfall in Jamaica, the guide kept reminding us, “If you slip you slide. If you slide, you fall.” As I challenge catabolic emotions like anxiety, impatience, defensiveness, frustration etc., I came up with my own chant: “When I release, I can expand. When I expand, I can absorb.” And I can actually feel myself calming.

Spiritual Release (aka: What makes life satisfying to me): My training as a Conversational Intelligence® Certified Coach has guided me to think aspirationally instead of in terms of goals. Releasing rigid expectations and goals allows us to be more creative and agile— not boxing in our thinking to fit a concrete goal.

In my exploration of how releasing the stuff that doesn’t serve our lives can lead to growth and satisfaction, I’m only scratching the surface. Throughout 2019, I’ll share thoughts, ideas, challenges and action plans in your weekly Tuesday note from DRIVEN and in our monthly Drive Thru. Next week’s blog article will discuss my attempts to release my perfectionist tendencies (I call myself a recovering perfectionist.) And besides my voice, look forward to hearing from others who specialize in such areas of personal development, especially through DRIVEN’s blog. And finally, we’ll be synching DRIVEN’s monthly OfficeHours (3rd Fridays at noon) to these areas of exploration.

Make this your year of clarity and control. Take a few moments now to decide what you would like to release. Write down the thoughts, feelings and actions that no longer serve you, and join the DRIVEN team in our journey as we re-lease our lives, our work and our impact.

If you’d like to engage on a deeper level, and are interested in learning about individual coaching, schedule a complimentary consultative session HERE.

]]>DRIVEN’s Best Blog Articles of 2018, Part 2https://drivenpros.com/2018/12/drivens-best-blog-articles-of-2018-part-2/
Wed, 26 Dec 2018 13:40:33 +0000https://drivenpros.wpengine.com/?p=9084Last week, we gave you a sampling of some of our most informative blog articles of the year (if you missed it, link to it HERE). Today, we’re back with four more significant DRIVEN posts from 2018, each offering advice, direction and food-for-thought designed to enhance your career regardless of what stage you’re in. These must-reads for any business professional include valuable outlooks on Compassion, Social Skills and Receiving Workplace Feedback, but also go a bit deeper by examining the neuroscience behind our workplace communications. Start anywhere and feed your mind with the quality offerings you’ve come to expect from our blog page. Then, if you haven’t done so already, consider inserting yourself deeper into our business community by becoming a DRIVEN client in 2019. You’ll gain access to our virtual platform and begin to reap even bigger benefits in your career and in home & family life. Happy New Year to all! -The DRIVEN Team

In her quest to define and sort out Compassion and ultimately delve into Self-Compassion, Deborah wrote a fascinating September 5th article which documents the evolutionary origins of compassion in humans. It’s a brief tour from Buddhism to Darwinism through a compassionate lens (with a smattering of neuroscience), lending the reader the crucial insight needed to further our understanding of compassion’s role in modern business culture. Read the post HERE.

What might seem like a fundamental greeting ritual to men is in fact a dilemma for women, particularly in the business realm. I’m referring to the simple handshake. In an informative, eye-opening article from October 16th, as part of her series on Social Skills, Deborah painted the picture for us of how when women get left out of the handshake equation, they’ll need to get creative when considering formal business greetings (which often leads to embarrassment at first). The article is worth reading for her handshake technique advice alone! Read the post HERE.

This autumn, Deborah began using the DRIVEN blog to explore the importance of Listening as a social skill. Her November 6th posting was a standout in this respect. In it, she demonstrates how small talk— you know, those brief workplace chit-chat sessions that we don’t always take seriously, should be valued as opportunities to find common ground with our colleagues, and to get to know them as people, not just commodities. The two case studies she details will blow your mind and inspire you to reevaluate the necessity of small talk in the greater scheme of Listening To Connect. Read the post HERE.

Formal workplace feedback sessions are inevitable and necessary. But you can transform that outlook into one of opportunity and engagement, whereby you control the controllables and get the most out of these meetings. Deborah’s December 4th article reveals the secrets to eliminating your anxieties and reservations about receiving feedback in ways that just make sense. A hint: It’s all in the questions you ask yourself. Give it a read before your next feedback session and prepare for career liftoff! Read the post HERE.

]]>DRIVEN’s Best Blog Articles of 2018, Part 1https://drivenpros.com/2018/12/drivens-best-blog-articles-of-2018-part-1/
Tue, 18 Dec 2018 14:27:27 +0000https://drivenpros.wpengine.com/?p=9079Each week of the year, DRIVEN’s blog page is updated with a brand-new, relevant article relating to the business perspectives and advancement strategies encompassed within our mission to “support the health, well-being and success potential of motivated professionals”. Composed by Deborah Goldstein, these posts represent most of our website’s non-virtual “meat”, and serve to educate, inform, equip, engage, inspire and sometimes even entertain the readers in our goal-oriented business community.

This portal into our topicality is your gateway to what our programming provides, and is yours to utilize, whether you’re a DRIVEN client or considering becoming involved. Our hope is that you’ll read our blog, see the value in our message, and ultimately become a client. With that outcome in mind, we’ve rounded up eight of our most significant and compelling blog posts of 2018. Presented today are introductions and links to the first four, which will be followed in a week by the other four. Jump in and catch up with what you may have missed this year— you’ll be glad you investigated. Happy Holidays! -The DRIVEN Team

This post from February 13th, 2018 was perhaps the most informative and inspiring of Deborah’s articles exploring Grit, which is the “G” in GRACE in the Workplace. Tenacity is presented here as a subcategory of Grit, which takes a shift in your neurochemistry to acquire. Distraction and boredom are the roadblocks to that shift, but as Deborah demonstrates, can be removed with a little creativity, setting you on a path to happiness and career success. Read the post HERE.

In the spring of 2018, Deborah was on a tear revealing the tenets of Emotional Intelligence (The E in GRACE) in a series of blog articles demonstrating how being effectively Self-Aware hinges on a spectrum of prerequisites including executive presence, elimination of stress, discovery of personal blind spots, and openness to meditation. On March 20th, one special article brilliantly exposed the common drivers of disruption and negativity, and offers practical ways to reframe and reboot for success. Read the post HERE.

Self-Regulation was a natural result of Deborah’s spring 2018 investigation of Self-Awareness in the business setting. Perhaps the centerpiece of the nine blog articles she composed on Self-Regulation was from May 9th, which laid out the practical yet revolutionary ways you can apply brain science to ease tension and prevent your own workplace flip-outs. It’s known as building your Response Flexibility, and if you’ve never read the article, you’re in for a treat, especially since you’ll be able to start applying the techniques before you’re finished reading! Read the post HERE.

Personal Bias is a theme that was central to DRIVEN’s blog in 2018. As such, Deborah gave us a concise and eye-opening article regarding the male/female disconnect in the workplace on August 2nd. She eloquently extended the “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” analogy to the workplace by citing and briefly unpacking the ways in which personal bias can drive the gender divide among colleagues. The post reads as if it were a full-length investigative article with the rhetoric trimmed away. Read the post HERE.

Don’t forget to check back next week for part 2 of DRIVEN’s Best Blog Articles of 2018!