American Public School’s New Science Text Book: Cake

They say that the quickest way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. And while anatomy class may disagree, we’re not talking about actual learning here, we’re talking about school! And the plain fact is that the fastest way to an American student’s brain is straight through the pudgy little tum-tum.

It’s no secret that American students continue to slide down the scales in most educational rankings. In the most recent, global student-assessments, the United States ranked 20th in reading, 30th in math and 23rd in science. Meanwhile, nearly 25% of these students are obese. So I believe I have finally found the solution to our dwindling scientific proficiency, and it’s been sitting right under our lumpy chins this whole time: PLANET CAKES!

These cakes, from Cakecrumbs’s chef, Rhiannon, will catalyze our pudgy students’ dormant desire to learn by using their love of cake to trick them into a journey through the composition of planets, like their home planet, Earth:

Peace on Earth may be un-achievable, but a piece OF Earth is deliciously within’ our grasp.

And the mysterious gas giant Jupiter:

“Oh, that crystallized frozen ammonia is just going to go straight to my hips.”

Teaching students all of the delicious flavors of each planet’s chewy core, fluffy mantle, flaky crust and moist atmosphere will no doubt spark a desire to learn in these rotund students that no dry, boring curriculum has been able to do before. And hey, if you have a desire to learn more about our solar system, check out the recipes here and be the hit of your next Cosmos viewing party!

And no need to thank me when this plan of mine rockets the US to the head of the global class in science. I have a similar plan for raising our math scores that involves the transitive property of bacon deliciousness and sausage as a positive integer.