Posted:25th Jan 2002I'm sorry, I just had to...my cousin sent this to me:Joke of the WeekA juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police. "What are you doing with these matches and lighter fluid in your car?" asks the cop."I'm a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act.""Oh yeah? Let's see you do it."So the juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches masterfully.A couple driving by slows down to watch. "Wow," says the driver to his wife. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!"(and we all know its not possible to juggle fire while drunk right?!)Pere

Posted:25th Jan 2002I wouldn't be able to pass that sober let alone schnockered! *g*Sounds like when I got pulled over while coming home from New Hampshire, Pere!------------------Pele Higher, higher burning fire...making music like a choir...http://www.pyromorph.com

Pele Higher, higher burning fire...making music like a choir"Oooh look! A pub!" -exclaimed after recovering from a stupid fall"And for the decadence of art, nothing beats a roaring fire." -TMK

Posted:25th Jan 2002Is this gonna be a joke thread. I love jokes. especially crap ones that don't make much sense. here are some of my favorites.Note: you will either love or hate these jokes!Q.Whats red and invisible?A.No tomatoesQ.Why couldn't Rex bark?A. Becasues he was a goldfish!Q.Why did the girl fall off the bike?A.Because she had no arms.Q.Why did the boy fall off the swing?A.Someone threw a fridge at him.I also have some rather disgusting baby jokes in my repotoire but sometimes their better left unsaid..........for now.-----------------------------------------------------"Except everything and then explain it your way!"[This message has been edited by FirePoi-boy (edited 25 January 2002).]

Posted:25th Jan 2002haha those are hilarious...i got a cuple of stupid jokesA boy goes up to his mother and says:"mommy may I please have a cookie?"the mother replies:"Well billy you have to wash your hands first"so the boy replies:"But mommy I have no arms!!!"to which the mother sternly answers:"No arms, no cookie!!!"A guy is walking past a big wooden fence at theinsane asylum and he hears all the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!" Quite curious about this, he finds a hole in the fence,and looks in. Someone inside pokes him in the eye. Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting,"Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"hehe yaaay stupid jokes!!!------------------Do You ever Question Your life? Do You ever wonder Why? Do you ever see in Your dreams, All the castles in the Sky??

Posted:25th Jan 200213 13 13Ha, I actually have said that one. It's one of my favorites. Partly because it seems so believable to me! Non-Https Image Link------------------FYI: I am not Pele. If you wish to reply to me and use a short version of my name, use: PWB."Those who can, do. Those who can't, critique"Pyromorph.com - Let the fire change you

FYI: I am not Pele. If you wish to reply to me and use a short version of my name, use: PWB.

Posted:25th Jan 2002Teddy Bears A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly Teddy bears.Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall. The woman is kind of surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and is quite impressed by his sensitive side.She turns to him... they kiss... and then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot steamy love. After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?"The man says, "You can pick any prize from the bottom shelf."

Follow Wuggarooism10)Dons't cheateth on thee's significant other9) If thou seest a pig that resembles thee's friend...dont eateth the pig...perhaps it is thee's friend8) If thou talkest shit..thou is a pansy7) Don't buttith into conversations for it will be over thous head6) Dont let stupid comments go unpunished they can only leadest to thous anyurysms5) Dont lie to your friends4) Thou areest what thou arest don't change thou for anyone 3) Masturbation isnt a crime2) When a horse comes up to thou and sayest baaa thou must run!1) Be excellent to eachother

Posted:25th Jan 2002Non-Https Image LinkRight, apologies in advance:What's green with 1000 legs?Grass, I lied about the legsWhat's brown and sticky?A stickWhy did the mexican thrown his wife of a cliff?Tequila!What do you call a 3 legged donkey?a wonkey donkeyWhat do you call a 3 legged donkey with one eye?A winky wonkey donkeyWhat do you call a 3 legged donkey with one eye who's making love?a bonky winky wonkey donkeyWhat do you call a 3 legged donkey with one eye who's making love whilst playing a piano?A plinky plonky bonky winky wonkey donkeyWhat do you call a 3 legged donkey with one eye who's making love whilst playing a piano and wearing blue suede shoes?A honky tonky plinky plonky bonky winky wonkey donkeyWhat do you call a 3 legged donkey with one eye who's making love whilst playing a piano, wearing blue suede shoes and driving a truck?...F**king talented!!

Posted:26th Jan 2002A Pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel attached to his groin."My god, there's a steering wheel attached to your groin!" explaims the barman."Arrrr, it's drivin' me nuts!"* Non-Https Image Link~ Non-Https Image Link* The Ferrari Formula 1 Team have fired their whole pit crew to employ some young guys from Liverpool. This sudden move was taken after seeing a Channel 5 documentary about how young scousers can take off a car's tyres within 6 seconds without proper equipment. However, Ferrari soon encountered a problem. The young men not only changed the tyres in 6 seconds, but 12 seconds later the car was resprayed and sold to the McLaren team. * Non-Https Image Link~ Non-Https Image Link*A guy goes into a pub and buys a beer. When he had started to drink he remembers he needs to make an urgent phone call so he goes off to do so, leaving a sign next to his beer saying "I spat in this beer do not drink." When he comes back he finds his beer and is about to drink it when he sees another sign saying "so did I".* Non-Https Image Link~ Non-Https Image Link**boom boom*Stu

Posted:25th Jan 2002i just got this in a forward so i decided to post itand i shud probably be studying because i have a biology exam tomorrow morning but what the hell here it is...There once was a little kid named Billy who loved clowns. I mean LOVED them. He had posters of them all over his wall and pictures of them everywhere. One day his parents took him to the Circus to see all of the clowns. He was so excited! He never saw one up close before! In the middle of the show, a tiny little car came out and out came 20 clowns! He was cheering so loud he couldn't speak for a couple minutes. Just then, the Leader of the Clowns took a microphone and asked for a volunteer. Billy raised his hand and shouted ''Me! Me!'' The clown looked around and said ''You!'' as he pointed at Billy. He was so happy! Billy joined the clown on the floor. The clown looked down at him and asked, ''Are you the horse's nose?'' Billy said ''No...'' ''Are you the horse's ears?'' ''No...'' Then the clown got an evil look in his eye as he said ''Then you must be the horse's ass!'' The whole tent shook with laughter, and Billy cried his eyes out. He couldn't believe a clown made fun of him like that! He swore revenge! Billy grew up, he went to college, got a job, got married, and had a few kids, but still never forgot what that clown did to him. One morning he saw an ad in the paper for the same circus, and decided to go. He knew the PERFECT insult to get him back! When he told his wife and kids he was going his kids asked if they could goto the circus with him. He calmly said ''No. Daddy has something he needs to do there.'' In the middle of the show, a little car came out and out came about 20 clowns. The crowd cheered, except for Billy. The Leader of the Clowns took a microphone. It was the same Clown! Billy was so excited that he could now get revenge! The clown asked for a volunteer. Billy calmly raised his hand. The clown picked him! Billy joined the clown on the floor. The clown said ''Are you the horse's nose?'' Billy stayed calm and said ''No.'' The clown asked ''Are you the horse's ears?'' Billy replied ''No.'' Then the clown said ''Then you must be the horse's ass!'' Billy knew his time had come. As the crowd laughed and everyone cheered, his anger grew. Now was the time for revenge. He looked deep into the clown's eyes and said... ''Fuck you, Clown.''heheand one more really bad onea man walks into a bar,,,ouchhehe------------------Do You ever Question Your life? Do You ever wonder Why? Do you ever see in Your dreams, All the castles in the Sky??

Posted:25th Jan 2002Hey I got a joke no offense to blondes but this is a funny one.This blind guy walks into a womens bar and off course having no idea.He says do you want to hear a blonde joke, the lady next to him explains how the bouncer the wrestler and the bar tender and herself are all blondes. Then she says are you sure you still want to tell the joke and he says no i dont want to explain it four times. Non-Https Image Link :P Non-Https Image Link

Posted:25th Jan 2002man if i wuz blonde id beat your assbut im notso ill just laffhahaha------------------Do You ever Question Your life? Do You ever wonder Why? Do you ever see in Your dreams, All the castles in the Sky??

Posted:25th Jan 2002Ok this isone of my favorite jokes. Non-Https Image LinkThree men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had died with love in their hearts. So what's your story?" So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony." "That sounds pretty bad, I'm sorry but I can't let you in." said Peter, and sent him to hell. The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story. "It's been a very strange day. You see, I'm a window washer on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I start my work out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I praised god for saving my life, but I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, and I said to myself "Thank you god", when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below,I was praising god saying "Thank you lord for saving my life!" I was stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here." Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like this man died with love in his heart. So he let him into heaven. The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story. "Ok, Ok, Picture this," says the third man, "I'm naked inside a refrigerator..." ------------------Blessings to all, Peter "In motion, move like a thundering wave. When still, be like a mountain.Rising up, be like a monkey. Land swiftly and lightly like a bird. Be steadylike a rooster on one leg. One's stance is as firm as a pine tree, yetexpresses motion. Spin swiftly and circularly like a wheel. Bend and flexlike a bow. Waft gracefully like a leaf in the wind. Sink like a heavy pieceof metal. Prey like a watchful, gliding eagle. Accelerate like a gusty wind." Wushu Proverb

Blessings to all, Peter When you find yourself in the company of a halfling and an ill-tempered Dragon, remember, you do not have to outrun the Dragon ...you just have to outrun the halfling.

Posted:25th Jan 2002Kaos - they used that "13, 13, 13" one into a tv advert here Non-Https Image Link very funny!How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?None. The Universe spins the bulb, and the Zen master stays out of the way.How many existentialists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?Two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?Only one, but it takes a long time, and the light bulb has to really want to change.How do you play religious roulette?You stand around in a circle and blaspheme and see who gets struck by lightning first.------------------Where's the foetus gonna gestate? You gonna keep it in a box?

Posted:25th Jan 2002*Puppy flails madly about the floor in a convulsive fit of uncontrollable laughter**Regains something resembling lucidity**heh, heh* Fuck you clown!*Resumes flailing in fits of laughter*Not only do I loathe clowns, but F!ck you clown has been an inside joke with my friends for close to seven years now.Heres a good one. (It may very well be the cleanest joke I know)An athiest dies and St. Peter meets him at the gates of heaven."What's going on?" asks a somewhat perplexed athiest."You've died, and I'm here to welcome you to heaven." Says St. Peter matter of factly.The athiest says "No freaking way..... This is some post-mortom hillucination. I don't believe in this crap"St. Peter says "No, no. You've led a good life. You've been kind to your fellow man, and you did what was in your heart. That's how it works, and so now you're here."They argue for some time, the athiest still in total dis-belief.Finally the athiest says to St. Peter, and points behind him:"Ok, if this is really heaven, then what is that fenced in area over there?"St Peter leand in really close to the athiest and whispers in his ear:"Shh..... Those are the Christians, they think they're the only ones here"------------------If you love something, set it on fire.

Posted:25th Jan 2002Bendy's post rminded me.....How many skinheads does it take to screw in a light bulb?Just one, but he needs twenty of his friends to back him up.How many midgits does it take to screw in a light bulb?Two, but don't ask me how they got in there.How many environmentalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?Well, actually the glass is made from sand from a remote south american beach that is the nesting ground for a species of endangerd turtles and the manufacturing process completely disrupts thier mating habits (and blah blah blah)How many Marilyn Manson fans does it take to screw in a light bulb?Fuck light bulbs! Candles so much more goth.How do skin heads tie thier boots?In little knotsies (nazi's) *Puppy shrugs* I know that last one wasn't about lightbulbs, but damnit, I thought it was cute.------------------If you love something, set it on fire.

Posted:25th Jan 2002*trying to pry himself away from the jokes thread to study for his biology exam* stupid good for nothing ADDheres one thatll probably get all the women here screaming at mehow many men does it take to screw in a lighbulb?None, get the bitch to do it* takes cover underground as all female members prepare to launch an attack*------------------Do You ever Question Your life? Do You ever wonder Why? Do you ever see in Your dreams, All the castles in the Sky??

Posted:25th Jan 2002A traveling salesman was driving past a farm when he saw a pig with three wooden legs executing a magnificent series of backflips and cartwheels.Intrigued, he drove up to the farmhouse, where he found an old farmer sitting in the yard watching the pig."That's quite a pig you have there, sir" said the salesman. "Sure is, son," the farmer replied. "Why, two years ago, my daughter was swimming in the lake and bumped her head and damned near drowned, but that pig swam out and dragged her back to shore.""Amazing!" the salesman exlaimed."And that's not the only thing. Last fall I was cuttin' wood up on the north forty when a tree fell on me. Pinned me to the ground, it did. That pig run up and wiggled underneath that tree and lifted it off of me. Saved my life.""Fantastic!" the salesman said. "But tell me, how come the pig has three wooden legs?"The farmer stared at the newcomer in amazement. "Mister, when you got an amazin' pig like that, you don't eat him all at once.".......Why did the tachyon cross the road?Because it was already there.heh heh, theoretical physics can be sooo damn funny Non-Https Image Link (look up tachyon if you are not sure)------------------Where's the foetus gonna gestate? You gonna keep it in a box?

Posted:25th Jan 2002What's orange and sounds like a parrot?A carrot.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~What's the difference between a duck?The legs are both the same.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~A bear goes into a pub and says to the barman "I'll have a pint of lager and a packet of peanuts please!"and the barman says "Why the big paws?"~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~A white horse goes into a pub and the barman says "Hey, we've got a whiskey named after you!"To which the horse replies "What, Colin?"------------------C@ntusThere's only one way of life and that's your own.

Posted:25th Jan 2002What's green, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls on you out of a tree?A Pool table. Non-Https Image Link------------------If at first you don't succeed, tell everyone you did and hope they don't ask you to prove it...

If at first you don't succeed, tell everyone you did and hope they don't ask you to prove it...

Posted:25th Jan 2002righto, so there is this guy who has just escaped from being locked in prison for terrible murders for the last 15 years....and he breaks into a young couples house, and surprises them asleep in their room. He ties the man up and then ties the woman to the bed, jumps on top of the woman in the bed and starts kissing her on the neck. He then suddenly gets up and goes into the bathroom....The guy says to his wife "look, this guy has obviously just broken out of prison and is likely to just kill us if we resist. So dont put up a struggle if he wants to have sex with you. Just remember that I love you honey." To which the wife replys, "oh he wasn't kissing my neck just then, he was whispering in my ear about how he was finding you soooo sexy and that you were really turning him on. He then asked if there was any vaseline in the bathroom........I love you too, honey"------------------fe fi foo fun

Posted:25th Jan 2002There's this panda walking through the red light district and a woman comes up to him and says, "hey baby, how'd you like to go back to my place...I'll cook you up something really good, and you never know where we'll go from there..."So off goes the panda with this woman. They arrive at her place, she cooks him up something really good and a couple of minuters later they're in her bed and its over as quick as it started.The panda gets up and heads towards the door. Just before he can leave the woman jumps up and says "Wheres my money?""What money? Don't you know what I am?""Sure you're a panda""take a look in the dictionary"She picks up the dictionary, looks under P.Pan....pancake....panda "Large furry animal that eats shoots and leaves" Non-Https Image LinkWhats the difference between bananaman and superman?Bananamans a fruit and superman's a vegetable

Posted:26th Jan 2002This fat penguin in the north pole gets in his car in the morning and goes off to work. On the way to work he gets a flat and has to call a tow truck to get the car. The mechanic and penguin arrive back at the garage and the mechanic looks over the car to see what caused the flat. "Any idea how long it`ll be ??" asks the penguin"Might take awhile" says the mechanicThe penguin decides to wander outside and sees a grocery store. He walks into the grocery store and browsing the frozen foods section sees a 5lt tub of vanilla ice-cream. Being a fat penguin and a soft spot for vanilla ice-cream the penguin buys the tub and eats practically the whole thing getting ice-cream everywhere. He goes back to the mechanic to see how he is doing with his car. As he gets to the garage the mechanic says "looks like you blew a seal" "naah its just ice-cream" says the penguin

Posted:26th Jan 2002ahahahahahahahahahahoo hoowowok theres a gang having a fight up on top of a skyscraper and three of its members are killedgod comes down to them and says, "ill give each of you another chance to lead a good life, just jump off the edge and say what you wish to be"the first man jumps and says "hawk", and he instantly changes into a hawk and soars awaythe second man jumps and says "eagle", and he instantly changes into an eagle and soars awaythe third man is about to jump but he trips on the edge of the roof and says "Oh shit!"and he instantly turns into a little pile of shit...

Posted:26th Jan 2002not exactly a joke, but still something interesting and scaryhttp://www.btinternet.com/~nevin.gouda/scary.htm ok, go to this link and once you see the picture, stare at the doorway, near the blue thing, if you look hard enough for long enough you should be able to see an outline of a ghost, its really freaky, but whatever you do dont look away, you really have to concentrate on it...

Posted:26th Jan 2002Two cows in a field. One says "MOOOOO."And the other one says "Funny, I was just about to say that."--------And now for a disgusting baby joke.--------Whats red and white and screams alot?A skinned baby in a bucket of salt.0Whats small and red and can't fall through a manhole?A baby with a javelin through its head![This message has been edited by FirePoi-boy (edited 26 January 2002).]