How to become a political activist in Egypt

Now even YOU can become an activist by following these quick and easy steps!

After conducting extensive research and interviewing some 20 million active activists in Cairo alone, EKT can now finally publish this invaluable guide that will help anyone, including accountants, jumpstart their activist career.

Step one

Get a Twitter account. Give yourself a maverick username, ideally something with that includes the word “rebel”, “revolt”, “radical” or “rabies”. The world “monkey” also seems to work. (See suggestions below).

Begin tweeting. Send tweets that express outrage at any remotely political decision or event. It doesn’t matter what you direct your outrage at so long as you start your tweet with the hashtag “#WTF???” or end it with the more local “#A7A!”

Ideally, use both these hashtags with every tweet as this will make it clear to your follower(s) that you are very serious and concerned, even if you are only protesting against the fact that your horoscope said you wouldn’t get laid this month.

In fact, many an activist began their career by simply tweeting: “#WTF?!?! I forgot my keys in the car again! #A7A #DownWithTheNezam”

More generally, drop the f*** bomb a lot. You’re angry, remember?

Final note about tweets: Complain about the appointment of any person to any political position, no matter how good you think they might be. Don’t worry, they are bound to mess up at least once soon enough, at which point you can then you tweet: “#WTF! Told you so ya guys! #A7A #ImSoRight!” This has proven to be one of the most direct ways of gaining credibility among activists.

Step two

Create a Facebook page for a fake person and claim that they have been “detained” by the police and implore your Twitter followers to “like” the page. Presuming you named this fake person, say, “Ahmed Abdo,” you now have to start ceaselessly sending tweets that say nothing but #FreeAhmedAbdo #FreeAhmedAbdo #FreeAhmedAbdo. These types of tweets, aside from effective, really convey the activist in you.

Step three

This one is a simple one: Never be seen anywhere without a Palestinian scarf around your neck. Make up some story about it – e.g. Maybe Yasser Arafat blew his nose in it before dying, or perhaps you used it to strangle an Israeli commando at some point in the past.

Step four

Quit your day job. Day jobs are only for capitalist losers.

If you don’t have the cojones to quit, then tweet about how your boss is a capitalist, anti-revolutionary bitch. That should at least get you fired.

Having wealthy, capitalist parents helps at this point.

Step five

Fabricate a poor quality torture video and post dozens of links to it on the social networks. Claim you videotaped it using a mobile phone which you hid, say, in your breast pocket or anal cavity. Lay some ketchup on the bathroom floor and film it for a few seconds while you violently shake the camera and make noises. Then just black out the lens and take a really loud dump while screaming from time to time. Done.

Example:

Done.

Step six

Once you have amassed a sufficient number of followers, all you need to do now is get arrested by the police. Ideally you want to get beaten up, but not so much that you look ugly after it – attractive activists get way more media publicity.

You also don’t want to spend too much time in jail – anywhere between 3 and 14 days is ideal. Any more than that and you will be forgotten, any less and it won’t be considered a “real” prison experience.

The easiest way to achieve this jail term is to attend a violent demonstration or engage in public masturbation on a main road. However, this latter option remains largely untested.

(Alternatively, just disappear for a few days and when you “reappear” on Twitter you can claim you were in jail. Works like a charm.)

Step seven

Once out of jail, if you don’t already have a blog, you need to start one. Recount your experiences there and complain about how you had to poo in really nasty toilets, but also make jokes about it so that you appear brave and easygoing. Crying on TV at this point can also really help with your credentials.

And that’s it! You are now an officially recognized activist. Congratulations!

Suggestions for powerful Twitter usernames for budding political activists:

I do not appreciate the implication that the detainees are fake people who don't exist, nor do I appreciate the notion that torture videos are fake.

There are better and far funnier jokes to be made. And if you can't make them then perhaps you should think twice about making jokes at the expense of those who have suffered very REAL detentions and very real torture.

Salem

Sat, 05/21/2011 - 23:02

Hey! VforVagina is the name I use in online games. I don't like you now.

Anonymous

Egy-rebel2.0

Hilarious! We have no many of these so called "activists" that its getting ridiculous!

Hatemation

Mon, 05/23/2011 - 15:42

KaChing..
right on the money. Love it

Mosa'ab

Wed, 05/25/2011 - 12:00

I bet you every single activists will secretly love this but probably refrain from commenting on it.

Rentokil

Wed, 05/25/2011 - 16:40

@Omar Kamel

You really need to chill mate. Like all the articles that have previously written on this website, this one is also extremely satirical. It clearly doesn't mock torture victims, detainees or people's pain. It mocks the people who fancy themselves as "activists" joining the latest fad and trend.

I suggest you redirect your outrage and stop wasting your time bashing a light hearted article.

How-To Book Series Released but never really updated
Love is ... a great art

Sama7

Thu, 06/02/2011 - 21:32

Can't stop laughing....Strong steps can easily be followed

NezamDestroyer :P

Mon, 06/06/2011 - 04:40

This is truer than true :D

25 WTF

Mon, 06/06/2011 - 12:12

that's exactly whats going on >> great job ya man

Anonymous

Sun, 06/12/2011 - 01:27

Egypt's most reliable news source hasn't been updated since May 19??

Soor

Mon, 06/13/2011 - 10:50

Simply amazing! I can't wait till the activists start #downwithKT

Expatonator

Wed, 06/29/2011 - 22:08

haha LOVED it :D ppl who're dissing this article have a stick up their a** cuz this is spot on!!

Dude

Fri, 07/01/2011 - 01:24

This is pure genius. Suggestions :

Step 8 : getting arrested by a foreign regime gives you multiple brownie activist points. Next time your on vacation in Burma, take a picture of a military installation and your gold. If you (and your a-hole )survive the Burmese regime, it will ensure you will get free drinks for years to come.

Step 9 : Female activists : If giving a media interview, look angry but also have full make up on, cuz like, u cant have a revolution without makeup, its sooo 90's czechoslovakia.

Sohaila

Fri, 07/01/2011 - 14:13

Although, I love the sense of humor - but I really don't see the point of this article - is it to downsize the efforts of activists? is it to mock the tragedies some people have gone through?? I don't know thought I'd like it more but felt bad after reading it through.. Sorry guys have to say it's not good..