Sunday, July 17, 2011

The Moment Before the SHOE Drops......

…...it was mostly about the garden.

The work, the “labor of the day.” Sort of how little kids show off their rainbow colored restaurant menus, as to say “see...I did good right?” It was about approval and proof, that this right here is what I have devoted my body to DOING for the day....with eager approval, a nod, a smile, a “did you see what he did today---gosh it looks amazing.” Followed by a comfortable sigh that you can now relax, your work has been acknowledged, you are valid. The moment before was all about that.

...Actually....the moments before MOST things are all about that. That= the undeniable need to have the people around you smile and say, “you’re doing good Kid.” Permission to breathe. To put down the flogging fists and hug yourself instead. Yes, I said hug yourself, you snarkhole.

….the moment before was when the day was just, “okay.” The moment before things were, “oh....ya know, same ‘ol same ‘ol.” Exasperated. Uninspired. Routine. Arguably, imperfect.

You wish you would’ve cleared out your inbox, or come up with something “more interesting” to make for dinner.....that you would have run an extra twenty minutes, or remembered to call your best friend, that you would have IMPLEMENTED.MORE.EFFECTIVE. TIME. MANAGEMENT. (you failure, you get one pass, but tomorrow-you have to do it BETTER tomorrow, says the Internal Monologue)---it’s the daily, unwinding of that “what could I have done better today.....” that we’re usually caught up in the ‘moment before.’

We’re fixated on the cracks, the pieces that are chipping and we’re scrubbing out the imperfections--- we’re watching with a close eye, we’re planning ahead as a consolation for the “imperfect” today, false hope for a better “tomorrow....”

….then, something happens---the something that forces you, abruptly from the seat of your chair, the fight or flight, the feeling of emotional attack- because you aren’t sure how to react any other way, so you pace back and forth and your body responds by shaking, shaking away the “ouch” that is inevitably about to settle in. The moment before, it was all about the garden, the “meh” day, the “I didn’t do my best....” and now, the moment, says, “HEY. Life. it’s fragile. All that shit? That shit doesn’t matter.....why does it always take ::this:: to remind you?”

A couple weeks ago My Love lost a family member, suddenly, tragically----too soon, you know? The way it happens. Too soon. Unfairly. And the following weeks have been a series of deliberately AWARE, moments. Like unfolding the sheer, gossamery wings of a butterfly, suddenly keenly IN-TUNE with that fact that, THESE. BREAK. That person you love? They break too.

We all do it---it’s our way of “surviving,” most of the time. The sort of, “better, stronger, faster, more....” it’s the engine, that keeps chugging away, driving us into the abyss of the GLOSSY, PERFECT, “FUTURE.” We sleep too little, we worry too much, we over-plan, under-do, OVER-DO, we forget---that we’re breakable. That we have a number, with our name on it and we aren’t standing in a line, but in a big old pool....with no clear indication when it’ll be our time.….there will always be “the moment before....” but how are you going to BE IN IT?

Will you be, PRESENT-- proud? Kind with yourself for the day that you’ve HAD, even if it wasn’t the day you’d envisioned? It’s the only one you’ve got, kiddo.

Will you finally take that extra step, the leap, the "someday," and the "later?" WILL YOU FINALLY DO THE THINGS YOU SAY SO DESPERATELY YOU WANT TO DO? Or will you sit, whining, at the back of the bus, letting someone else drive it---apathetically, unthankful with the "cards you've been dealt." Cause guess what? You've only got this one deck, so you may as well play it.

Will you be fixated on the extra 10 pounds? The extra hour you need to put in at work? If the “moments before” are a series of guilt-ridden, self-loathing, disappointment, lack-focused, future-focused, unaware, ungrateful---you aren’t just in ‘moments’ you’re in your MOMENT, the one you’ve been waiting for---the moments before a tragedy, a shift, a LOSS, you aren’t aware that these may be YOUR last moments too......

How you gonna live it baby? Moment. to. Moment. Makes the whole picture. With gratitude today my Dreamers.

34 comments:

Great post. I am sorry for your love's loss. Last year I really was reminded about how fragile life is - I posed the question to myself: How do I want to be remembered? It sent me on a really big journey about being present in my life and doing things I can be proud of - things I enjoy. This last week I've had a rough time with my pregnancy (everything's fine - it's just really suck-tacular) and I really lost that gratitude I usually carry with me. Your post (and a couple of other serendipitous things) really reminds me to get over myself and just be. Thanks x

I've come to the same realization these days about the moments and the what if's. Now I'm not so hard on myself on the little things - making a bed or making cookies with a loved one - I choose the loved ones at each turn since you never know when these moments are going to cease.

Sorry to hear about the loss of a loved one. Losing someone tends to put things into perspective. I often find myself worrying about unnecessary details. I have to constantly remind myself to not sweat the small stuff.

Have you been reading my mind? Sorry to hear about your love's loss. That is never easy. But I've been feeling the same way too lately. Sometimes I feel so wrapped up in my plan that I'm missing out on way more important and exciting things.

hklover86--- thank you so much, I actually do write music, lots and lots of it, in various genres- my boyfriend and I have a band that tours around together-- http://www.myspace.com/eleanor_music :) and lots of other side projects.

Losing a loved one is so painful, one can wonder why words even exist. What a wonderful post. It can be so easy to take life as something casual and mondaine - but it's not!! It's a gift of the most precious and valuable kind.

chelsea. this is beautiful.im sorry about your loved ones loss. thats very sad. but its true, these things shake us up and make us think how important it is to live each day.thank you for leaving a comment on my blog and leading me back to yours. you are a wonderful writer and i am a new follower :) xxxx

When you are young, you may want several love experiences. But as time goes on, you will realize that if you really love someone, the whole life will not be enough. You need time to know, to forgive and to love. All this needs a very big mind.