Tuesday, April 25, 2017

Once Upon A Time...

Recently a reader forwarded me an excerpt from this children's book:

Which implicates riding without helmets in the extinction of the dinosaurs:

On the surface this is just harmless whimsy, but the underlying message is clear: helmetless fun equals death. This has inspired me to write my own children's book. After all, using allegory and heavy-handed morality to promote your own agenda is the basis of all great children's literature (I'm looking at you, C.S. Lewis!), and I want in. So here goes:

Once upon a time, there were these creatures called dinosaurs:

Dinosaurs ruled the Earth, and Jesus put them there to punish the Jews for not believing in Him:

The battle raged long and hard, but eventually the Jews won and the dinosaurs died out, which is how the international Jewish conspiracy was born:

Alas, all seemed lost, but the Lord works in mysterious ways, and after the dinosaurs died they gave humankind the greatest gift of all:

Oil!

Yes, all the little critters love frolicking in oil:

But oil's not just for playing. It also makes your family's car go, go, GO!!!

...actually, I don't see bicycles anywhere on that list, but that doesn't mean it's okay to ride a bicycle without wearing a helmet. Why? Because I said so, that's why. So before you get on your bike, stop, and put on your helmet:

In a recent study by British insurance company Allianz, more than 1,000 parents were surveyed for their levels of cortisol, the stress hormone, as they did their school day morning routine. Levels peaked just before leaving the house to drive to school, at around 8:15 a.m. each morning, researchers found. And the impact of the school run stress stays with parents well into the day. Also, nearly 25 percent of parents surveyed said that morning drop off stress sets their mood for the day — good or bad.

And that's why your bicycle helmet is destroying humanity and the planet.

DISCLAIMER: Oil doesn't actually come from dinosaurs, it comes from marine organisms that lived long before the dinosaurs. All the stuff about the Judeo-Dino War is totally true though.

Read an article from the late 1800's that said France was blaming the raising popularity of bicycling on the decline of book sales. Given that it is France we're talking about, and not the USA, the story has at least the possibility of some sort of reality.

It's not that kids don't have to wear helmets when they're on a bike. It's that they should wear them in a car and at home! Wrist guards would be good additions, too, along with knee pads, which would have beneficial applications in the sex industry, too.

Did anybody else think of the following quote:Well, let's see. First the Earth cooled. And then the dinosaurs came, but they got too big and fat, so they all died and they turned into oil. And then the Arabs came and they bought Mercedes Benzes. And Prince Charles started wearing all of Lady Di's clothes. I couldn't believe it- he took her best summer dress and he put it on and went to town...

Great post Snob. This morning I biked past a drop-off line. What's normally a mellow residential street (Macdonough between Ralph and Patchen in Bed Stuy --- for those who know it, the Excellence Boys Charter School) had been turned into a cacophonous clusterfuck of frustration, gridlock, and horn-honking.

This, in a part of Brooklyn that lies outside of the Great Hipster Silk Route -- no bike lanes, no CitiBike stations.

I can totally believe that only 13% of kids walk/ride bikes to school nowadays, but seem to remember that far more than 48% of kids did so back in 1969 when I was in school. My parents never gave me a ride to school even in occasionally bitter cold WI. Also I don't remember anyone regularly getting a ride to school. Don't remember any kids at all getting rides in good weather. Seriously I would of guessed like 95% of kids walking or biking to school, but then i didn't grow up in a big city which may have had lots of kids getting rides and may skew the average of all the small/moderate sized towns with almost no kids getting rides. So I think an even sadder thing is that small and moderated sized towns which are theoretically very walk/bike friendly have gone from 0-5% of kids getting rides to 70-90% being driven though this is just a guess, only the average is reported.

Why your helmet is useless:The only fatality in Canada on a bike share bike was a woman wearing a helmet.The only fatality in U.S.A on a bike share bike was a woman wearing a helmet.Nobody has ever been killed on a bike share bike while not wearing a helmet.

You can't compare helmet usefulness for other non-bike share bikes because the bikes and their uses are too variable; wearing a helmet for a fixie in an alleycat race doesn't compare with not wearing a helmet on a balloon tire cruiser on a bike path.

Following a link from the NIH to the CDC's "Child Safe" site, I wanted to see what the CDC include on their Bicycle Safety page... Clicked on it and got a big fat "Page Not Found." All the other pages (Teen Driver Safety, Child Passenger Safety, etc) were active links. Coinkydink?

When I was looking to buy a house my realtor warned me about getting one on the same street as a nearby school: "It becomes the first bell Gran Prix every morning." And she's right, cars speeding through the school zone to drop off the wee ones. Kids should have to wear a helmet (specifically Dory) to navigate all that traffic.

If bikes are so dangerous that kids are required to wear helmets just to ride them; and cars are so safe that kids can ride in cars without helmets; why don't we let kids drive cars? Or even Low Speed Neighborhood Vehicles or Golf Carts. I know, because they might be a danger to other users; though probably not as bad as many half-blind tunnel vision senile geezers who are allowed to drive. If I had a kid i'd probably get them a nice big legal horse or better yet a nice big legal camel or elephant to block/slow traffic as a giant F.U. to the System. That would make a nice kids book.

Well, I don't know about dinos, but riding "without a helmet down the street while standing up atop the seat" is a pretty accurate description of the extinction of Indian Larry. So maybe wear a helmet while doing moto stunts. Not sure you need one for riding your ​bicycle to school.

Great book review. We're going to avoid "Dino Poems." Your book, however, will be the kid's bedtime reading for the next six months. It captures most of the arguments I have to make again and again to co-workers, parents at school, family, the guy pointing his cigarette at me from his SUV, the woman on the $6k full-suspension Santa Cruz riding 10mph down the bike path, etc....

One minor (and comparatively boring) point though... I'm pretty sure that the CDC Kid Safe data does include bike injuries. Wipe-outs are under "Falls" and anything involving cars (ie. almost everything really serious) is under "Motor Vehicle Accidents."

I know this a sarcastic post on a sarcastic blog, but what point are you guys trying to make? That kids should not wear helmets on bicycles? That no one should wear helmets on bicycles? No one is making you wear a helmet.

Helmets are generally designed to either prevent or reduce head and neck injuries in the event of an accident. To see how effective they are, you must find adequate control groups and compare all relevant outcomes. Not just deaths, but all relevant injuries. Not just per capita of bike injuries vs cars, but per mile traveled or hour of use. Not control-group-of-1 "I didn't wear a helmet and turned out okay" anecdotes. Real studies.

Either you do the research or not. I know the work required won't make for a clever little diatribe. This is why I ask -- what's your point, what are you trying to prove?

Wow! Helmets= root of all evil! I did not know that! I thought they were a useful piece of equipment to keep one from potentially cracking one's skull in the unfortunate event of falling off one's bike!

About Me

While I love cycling and embrace it in all its forms, I'm also extremely critical. So I present to you my venting for your amusement and betterment. No offense meant to the critiqued. Always keep riding!