ARC: Adopting Grace
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sometimes random consequence, but it also preserves connection and intimate relationship between mother and child. When appropriate, I communicate natural consequences as one portion of a holistic discipline approach. As hard as it is to admit at times, my daughter’s assessment that I can’t make her do anything is correct. Her expression of this reality used to send me to a place of great anger, frustration, and then a “digging in” around an attempt to prove her wrong. Though I sometimes still protest internally, I have surrendered to the truth of her words. I now respond with honesty. “You are right. I can’t make you do anything. But I hope that you will choose to do this thing that is safest and healthiest for both you and our family.” These days, she most often does. For a while, I lived in the fantasy that I actually controlled my children, their emotions, and their choices. But the raw truth is this: the only one that I can truly manage is myself. There are unhealthy fear based tactics such as brute force (which is only available for a time since they will grow up and become stronger than me), manipulation, and shame that I can attempt to deploy as I navigate the discipline of our kids. The reality is that such methods don’t even work that well to control the behavior of many children. Even more importantly, they cause short and long term damage to tender souls as well as to parent-child relationships. I have decided that I am in this for the long haul. I choose connection and the preservation of a healthy 88