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By the way did anyone else see the article on Yahoo News this morning about the new mortgage regulations? They’ve essentially made it impossible for the self-employed to qualify for a mortgage, at least through so-called reputable channels. They’re assuming here that banks and their brethren are reputable. I know…

All in an effort to keep poor / irresponsible (terms they use interchangeably) people from ever owning a home. This is meant to be a public shaming of sorts, not unlike when you ground your child for stealing your credit card and buying a canoe. They blame the mortgage crisis and global recession on those wanting the “American Dream”, the crazy bastards.

Of course, yes, we all know that the banks, lenders, and brokers were to blame for the darkest of days. And yes, our taxes on our puny little high debt ratio incomes is what bailed them out, but let’s sweep that under the rug (in our rental) for the moment! Let’s get down to the nitty gritty of the new rules put in place to keep dumbasses who think they deserve a home in check. I mean really, doesn’t everyone understand by now that only corporate and wealthy cash buyers should be owning homes… then renting them to the rest of us…?

They now require, among other things, a debt:income ratio of less than 43%. For those not in the know, businesses have to spend money on things like products in order to be in business. Those expenses are deductable because they are necessary. As a business, I cannot reduce my expenses when I have no money by going to the store and buying ramen instead of steak. I have to spend money on the products that make me money. Make sense?

The deductions are great because we don’t owe taxes on money we don’t actually have anyway. In other words, we pay taxes on what is left of sales after expenses that helped us get those sales, instead of on the sales themselves (that’s sales tax). What sucks is the more deductions you claim, the less income you have even though no one I know who owns their own business would ever say they have any income because they don’t. The result? Most, especially small, business owners have a debt:income ratio of, oh say, 600…

Second, they require 2 years of proven income ie tax returns to support your claims. This means that even if you have a massive down payment, your bank statements and tax returns must show enough income (after deductions) to support a mortgage payment and not increase your debt:income ratio above 43%.

Technical term coming… this means I am as they say “assed out” of ever owning a home.

Now don’t cry for me Argentina. The truth is I get to do lots of other awesome things like make my own hours (which everyone likes to tell me). Unfortunately, those hours are 12 hours a day, 7 days a week. And no I’m not exaggerating. I get to be my own boss (which is the other thing people like to tell me). But, if you have ever written a nasty Yelp review I think you can figure out who my “boss” really is. Don’t worry! I also get to forgo having a family, health insurance, retirement, a pension, social security, vacations, holidays,weekends,nights,sleep, and health in general so I’ve got that going for me…