A mom’s worst heartache

Speaking of “labor” and “Mother’s Day”, I have a confession to make. For almost a year now, I’ve wanted to have another baby. Preferably a baby girl. It’s been a year since Randy and I threw caution to the wind–that is, we no longer practice any birth control methods. Although hindi naman namin kina-career na magka-baby, I’m still a bit sad that we’ve had no luck so far. I was so confident that when I say, “I’m ready!”, I’ll just get preggers right away. Like with Raviv–less than 3 months after I declared, “I’m ready”, nag-o-all day sickness na ako. 🤢🤢🤢

I’m ashamed to admit this because I want to exude that modern career woman vibe, and because I fear that I may have secondary infertility. 😰 Randy says I’m being paranoid, because he thinks we haven’t tried enough (LOL!) He said that it seems I have a built-in contraceptive in my body–I prefer “consummating our marriage” when I’m not fertile.

Anyway, I saw my OB this week for my Pap smear (I got a new insurance policy and I was required to have Pap smear among other tests) and she prescribed an ovulating kit and some medicine that would lengthen my ovulation period. And I’m trying not to be too tired to try harder. So I prepped Raviv one evening that Randy was already soundly asleep.

I: Raviv, can you pray to God to give you a super pretty & super smart baby sister?

Raviv: But I don’t want a baby sister yet.

I: Why? Diba I promised you I won’t stop loving you even if you have a baby sister or baby brother already?

Raviv: I know that. But I’m just scared.

I: Of what?

Raviv: You’ll be hurt if you get pregnant.

Then he buried his face into the pillow and sobbed quietly.

I: Raviv, I’ll be ok. Diba I gave birth to you? And I’m still OK. You just have to pray for me. I promise I’ll take care of myself.

Raviv: BUT WHY DID YOU GET BRACES?!? THOSE BRACES MAKE YOU UGLY! Is that taking care of yourself?!? You’re not taking care of yourself!

Anyway, I gave up after his braces comment because I didn’t know what to say. I thought Raviv was being ridiculous with his fears (which is my fault–I once let him watch a woman giving birth when he asked how he was born. He was only 2 years old then.)

But today, I realized he also has a point when I saw this piece of news on my Facebook Newsfeed:

Durog na durog na durog ang puso ko.

This is my worst nightmare. I don’t ever want to die early because I want to be there for Raviv for as long as I could. And I know I will, through thick or thin, as long as I’m living.

According to the article, the mom of this boy–who’s just almost the same age as Raviv–passed away when she gave birth to this boy’s new brother.

Months ago, the mom of Raviv’s friend also told me how she almost died giving birth to her youngest son (Raviv’s friend). Her case was similar to the case of Junjun Binay’s wife (who, unfortunately, died). She flatlined, but thank God the hospital she was in had stored more than enough blood for her transfusion.

So because of this article, Sorry Randy, we will stop trying. Joke!

But seriously, it made me think about a lot of things, particularly the following:

1. That although being a mother is so common already, we should never ever underestimate the sacrifices of mothers. Totoong nasa hukay ng isang paa ng mga buntis.

2. That it is every parent’s responsibility to take care of himself/herself for his/her child talaga. If I’m the dead mother and my spirit can see my son like this boy in the photo, mamamatay uli ako sa sakit ng puso ko.

3. ..But no matter what you do, no matter how you take care of yourself, God still has the final say. So I should never act as though I don’t need Him. (Dear Lord God, kahit hindi na po magkaroon ng kapatid si Raviv basta sana po Randy and I would be there for him always.)

To my fellow moms, group hug tayo. As long as we know that we will never abandon our children and we always consider them, we are great moms. We’re not perfect but we’re still admirable.

To the husbands out there, give your wives a hug. She spent/spends/will spend 9 uncomfortable months just to give birth to a baby who bears/will bear YOUR name. And then is having/will have a hard time getting back in shape pa. So go, give her that hug and thank you. She more than deserves it.

Dear Raviv, I promise to take care of myself for you. And I promise to follow my dentist so my braces will be removed ASAP. 😁