On Thursday, doctors were unable to find the heartbeat of Michelle Duggar‘s unborn child. Oh, cheer up. She has 19 more. People reports:

“After the appointment, we came back home and told the children,” says Michelle, 45. “We had just been talking about baby names last night and they were getting excited about naming a boy or a girl. It has been a real sad disappointment.” She says the family will select a name after they know if the baby was a boy or girl, and then plan to have a funeral service. “I feel like my heart broke telling my children,” says Michelle. “They have all been so excited about this baby and looking forward to April coming around and having a new little one in our arms. That was the most difficult. The Lord is the giver of life and he can choose when that life is ready to go on and be with Him.”

So, basically Michelle Duggar just said God struck her baby dead in her womb because he wanted it for himself. The conceit and absurdity in that statement aside, God is apparently the world’s most successful child murderer. In a more likely scenario Michelle, your last child was delivered by an emergency c-section because you’re 45 and your uterus has been spitting out humans like a car full of Mexicans that just got into an accident. Maybe this your body’s way of telling you to swing by Rite-Aid and pick up some condoms. Or have your vagina sewn shut.

Note: Before you start with how I’m an asshole for not showing respect over this tragedy, look at that banner picture. That’s the real tragedy. In her inculcated and indoctrinated mind, she probably thinks she’s failed as a wife and a “good Christian” because she couldn’t bring yet another damn baby into the world. You know, because that’s apparently the only reason God puts women here in the first place.

Even though God’s last miracle was born three and half months prematurely and almost killed her with preeclampsia because she’s 45 and God is no match for science, Michelle Duggar announced this morning on Today that she’s expecting her 20th child who will eventually be a socially awkward weirdo in bangs and a jean skirt who wants to fuck Jesus. God is great! MSNBC reports:

Michelle Duggar and her husband Jim Bob are expecting their 20th child, the couple revealed exclusively to TODAY. “We are so excited,” Michelle Duggar told TODAY Moms before the broadcast. Now three and a half months pregnant, the mom of 19 says she was actually surprised to discover that she’s expecting again at 45. “I was not thinking that God would give us another one, and we are just so grateful.” The super-sized family stars in its own reality TV show, “19 Kids and Counting,” on TLC (guess they will have to update the title!). When the Duggars visited TODAY last June, it was the longest Michelle had gone without a pregnancy in more than 20 years. Backstage, she told TODAY Moms that her baby days might be over – and she was fine with that. But the Duggars have always said they leave their family planning up to God, eschewing birth control. “When we look at Josie … even knowing that we went through the challenge that we did, we would do it again,” Michelle told TODAY’s Meredith Vieira last year from the family home in Springdale, Ark. Michelle Duggar’s last pregnancy was fraught with danger. She suffered from gall-bladder problems as well as preeclampsia. In order to save her life, doctors delivered daughter Josie three and a half months prematurely – she weighed only one pound, six ounces at birth, and endured a series of health emergencies, including a perforated bowel. Josie eventually went home with the rest of the Duggar family, and is now a healthy toddler who will celebrate her second birthday in December.

As the great Chinese philosopher, Sun Tzu, once said, “Look, bitch. It’s a vagina. Not a clown car.” Christ, was there a flood recently? The world has 7 billion people already, stop trying to repopulate the earth you fucking idiots. Just because your husband gives you a curling iron in exchange for making you a broodmare doesn’t make you blessed. It just means that in a few years TLC will be able to charge for walkthrough tours of your vagina.

Jim-Bob Duggar and his human slot machine wife, Michelle, are expecting their 19th child. If you want to do the math on this, their oldest son is 21. People reports:

“We are so thrilled,” says Michelle, 42. “We just couldn’t believe it is happening.” Jim Bob, 44, agrees: “This never gets old. We are so grateful for each child. We are looking forward to our first grand baby and our 19th child.” Oldest son Joshua, 21 and his wife Anna, 21, are expecting daughter Mackynzie Renée next month, so she will be older than her new aunt or uncle. “I think it is going to be awesome, it is going to be great,” says Josh about the news that his parents are expecting. “We have been looking forward to the arrival of my little girl and to now get to celebrate for my parents, it’s a wonderful thing.”

Jesus, who does this dude think he is, Noah? He doesn’t have to go forth and repopulate the Earth. Damn dude, give this chick a break. She’s been pregnant for twenty years. Her vagina probably looks like Stargate by now.

I refuse to look for pictures of these lunatics, so here’s Kelly Brook. You’re welcome: