Have yet more wires been crossed at Autonomy? Diary is reliably informed that the controversial software business has been engaged by the Serious Fraud Office to carry out document management work.

This raises all sorts of interesting questions. Was Autonomy one of the eight contractors used by the SFO at a cost of £729,000 in the failed Tchenguiz investigation? And what would happen if the SFO joins the US Department of Justice in investigating the alleged accounting irregularities at Autonomy, pre-expensive HP takeover?

As of last night, Autonomy’s San Francisco HQ had yet to come back with an answer, while the SFO instructed Diary to file a Freedom of Information request. Sounds like all (software) systems go.

Still no sign of the corrected accounts for Kate Bleasdale’s investment vehicle Healthmark UK at Companies House. Last time Diary caught up with auditor Nyman Libson Paul, which calculated Bleasdale’s less than 10pc stake in the £19.7m company as £18.8m, accountant Anthony Pins assured the right numbers would be filed “in the next week or two”. That was last November.

Now Pins tells me the new mathematics have been sent to Companies House, although “it’s possible they are not appearing on the record yet”. This is indeed the case. Tick tock.

UBS takes Ocado credit

No-one would describe Ocado as the UK’s “pre-eminent online supermarket”, after the grocer warned it was in danger of breaching its banking covenants just two-and-a-half years after its £800m float.

Except UBS, that is. Diary has been enjoying the bank’s graduate milkround recruitment video, in which global equities manager Paul boasts that it was “thanks to UBS advising Ocado” that the retailer became a listed company on the stock exchange.

“So you can see,” concludes Paul grandly, “that investment banks affect every aspect of our lives. Without them, the companies we interact with daily wouldn’t be able to operate.”

Ocado chief Tim “£36m fundraising” Steiner might beg to differ.

Not-so safe hands at HMV

Five months is a long time in retail. Only last August, HMV Group chairman Philip Rowley was full of beans about Trevor Moore’s appointment to lead the retailer that is now, sadly, on Deloitte life-support. “[Moore] has the right skills and experience to lead HMV in the coming years,” came Rowley’s sunny forecast.

Simon Fox, the exiting chief now at Trinity Mirror who “played an invaluable part in securing HMV’s future”, was also memorably upbeat at the time. “I am proud to be leaving HMV with a profitable future secured. The appointment of Trevor Moore means that I will be leaving the company in safe hands,” said Fox as he headed for the revolving door.

Moore is the same “safe pair of hands”, of course, who joined HMV after spending three turbulent years running Jessops. And we all know what happened there.

Meanwhile, The Daily Mash fears that the failure of music and DVD-stockist HMV, coming hard on the heels of the death of electrical and camera chains Comet and Jessops, means there will soon be nothing left on the high street for men.

“Husbands will be left in the street while their partners visit clothes and cushion shops, and will quickly revert to their natural instincts,” predicts the satirical forum. “For most, it will be too early to begin drinking alcohol, so within an hour, [men] will start scratching around on the pavement for grubs and berries, also removing things from bins and sniffing them to see if they’re edible." All such sightings should be reported to Mr Neville Kahn, c/o Deloitte head office, 2 New Street Square, London EC4.

Iran delisted like greased lightning

As extradited British businessman Christopher Tappin headed to a US cell for arms dealing to Iran, WD-40, that most American of brands, was still listing an “exclusive” distribution partnership with Iran on its website.

One call to San Diego later, however, and Diary’s fears that the lubricant-maker has been greasing the weapons of warmongers were laid to rest. “No distributor has ever been authorised to sell our products in Iran,” said a shocked spokesman, who delisted Iran from the WD-40 site faster than you can say “in the toolboxes of the world”.