Workbench

02/08/2005

Was Deep Throat a Lutheran?

The Baby Boom portion of the political world is abuzz with speculation that the identity of secret Watergate source Deep Throat might be soon revealed. Gravitas-laden investigative reporter Bob Woodward -- who named the most important secret source in the history of journalism after what was, apparently, his favorite porn movie -- has long said that he will reveal the real name of Deep Throat when Deep Throat dies.

Every time someone close to the Nixon White House kicks off, people like me get excited. Was that Deep Throat? We watch breathlessly for a few days, and then retreat into our surly speculations.

There are rumors that Deep Throat is in ill health, and that the Washington Post has prepared an obit that reveals the person's role in history.

Now, being a political person with an inch-deep knowledge of politics and no hint of human empathy, I think right away: Who's sick?

Well, the Pope is sick, but I don't recall him working in proximity to Nixon, and even if he had I have a hard time picturing him lurking around parking ramps to meet with Woodward.

Which leaves Chief Justice William Rehnquist, who is sick, yes, but is also -- much more importantly -- a Lutheran.

I'm a Lutheran, and the idea that Rehnquist might be Deep Throat excites me because it would be the first time a Lutheran has made history since...well, since Luther himself.

So I checked Rehnquist's bio, and saw that he had gone from the Department of Justice under evil ectomorph John Mitchell to the Supreme Court. Unfortunately, he did all this before the Watergate shenanigans got really cranked up. Mitchell was, of course, insane, having been driven mad by his wife, Martha, who drank and would not shut up even after being abducted by federal agents and having a needle stuck in her butt. (Really, if you're too young to remember all of this, you're missing out on a lot of fun.) As Nixon's campaign manager, Mitchell was one of the driving forces of Watergate.

Rehnquist, theoretically, could still be Deep Throat. After moving to the Supreme Court he could have stayed in contact with his friends back at Justice, gossiping over coffee and passing what he'd learned to Woodward.

Also, the fact that Deep Throat has not revealed himself for the sake of a billion-dollar book deal is evidence that he -- I think it's a man, because no Republican woman would allow herself to be publicly referred to as "Deep Throat" -- is still a working member of the Republican establishment. Like, for example, the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court.

But it probably isn't Rehnquist. It's more likely some boring Presbyterian. We Lutherans will probably just have to go back to our silent corner of the world.