When no one was looking

BY Janéya

Once, when no one was looking, I let her go. I felt her grasp slip from my fingers saw the look of terror, the silent pleading, the fear of the unknown registered in her eyes. But I didn’t care, it was time. I watched her flail wildly looking for something to grab on to, but there was nothing, because she had BUILT nothing. In all those years she had consumed all her resources leaving only extreme distaste and contempt for her choices. She hadn’t been true to herself and as a result she could no longer exist.

Everyone expected her to behave a certain way, like Pavlov, wound her and she recoiled. As time went on the tears stopped rolling down her face instead meeting with a detour to an internal well, a salty sea of pain and anguish, anger, resentment and fear. No wonder the shore beckoned her, she carried an ocean within. The weight of her sorrow crushed her spirit and changed the consistency of her soul. Forever proving that she was or wasn’t what others thought of her, she no longer knew anything of herself. She was lost and afraid, uncertain where to turn, or what to do. So frightened by life experience that she was ready to surrender to complacency. To follow the path most followed but least rewarding, she was ready to give up on herself and her dreams.

Her passion, nearly spent on survival of self alone, left her out of touch with who really lived within her. She who had crafted a raft to weather the storm raging inside. She who wasn’t afraid of who she is and all that she is capable of. She who knows she is beautiful and doesn’t apologize for it or hide behind excessive weight, sunglasses or brims of hats. For the superficial beauty others so often complimented her for, the one who lied in wait knew, it was not hers to accept credit for. The true beauty she possessed exuded from the paint and the paper, the unconventional artistic thought… the words that so effortlessly flowed from her consciousness, the tenderness of heart and capacity to love what lies beneath the surface of others.

The assassin had learned many lessons while lying in wait through observation of the one so sullen faced, so consumed with her shadow. Her reign hadn’t been for nothing, in fact, only upon loosing her way had the contingency to overtake her been conspired upon. Since then, the watch for chance to meet opportunity had silently been anticipated. For the caged aggressor knew that greatness awaited them once she fell from consciousness.

Once the plan was conceived, seeds were planted in her head. Do you deserve more? Could you live your dreams? Is there more to motherhood then being a mother? Have you lost your way? Is that really what you think of yourself or is that what you’ve been lead to believe? Are you stronger than they think, more cunning? Are you willing to go after what you want without fear of loosing what you have? Are you really that “nice” of a person all the time? Can you accept “perfect” is not attainable? Can you live with being wrong, making a mistake, an error in choice with no one else responsible? Is there true love, one mate in soul and spirit? Would you recognize it if he were presented before you? Would you allow yourself to be consumed by its passion? Are you willing to saddle your fears of all the past pain, betrayal & hurt and take on its tumultuous ride into the unknown? Are you worthy of the same love you blanket upon those around you? Are you willing to do whatever it takes to be free of the weight and the sea of sadness? Would you surrender yourself to a new life?

The seeds slowly took root within her, adjusting to the adverse conditions within her psyche. They adapted to the salty nourishment available for their growth. With time they thrived and the lush overgrowth formed solid footing for the caged one to climb from her raft. Painstakingly ascending from the pit of her stomach, the one appointed to the task at hand, gained strength from the bounty of the new climate forming within. Fulfilling “fruit” of thought she fed upon, gaining insight and knowledge of her enemy.

Pondering upon the new train of thought the down-trodden one shed less tears, causing the salty ocean to recede. The weight of the emotional oppression shed, she began to feel “lighter” able to see possibility where once there was just darkness her fears transformed from mental blocks into an opportunity for introspection. As the master plan continued to unfold the one stalking her within grew closer.

Her life became something she hadn’t known before, something completely foreign to her. Very little that she’d known to be true still remained. Everything was to be tested, questioned, challenged and changed. She soon developed a different perspective of looking at the same situations that had plagued her throughout her life. She began to feel again and accept less of what was presented to her as truth at face value without supporting evidence or fact.

The whisper of a strange voice began to speak. It asked her to listen, to trust, to believe in what held no physical form yet held a wealth of wisdom and insight onto herself and others around her. Her intuition re-introduced itself as a long lost friend of whom she’d abandoned in years past drowned out by the waves of the salty ocean. Blooms wafting an uplifting scent of hope began to flower from the vines so carefully planted. It affected her view of life, of the people she’d surrounded herself with and the new people she seemed drawn to. A completely different atmosphere formed within her, one that produced an air of calm and peace, a hint of self-assurance and careful optimism. Yet all the while, feeding off the thriving garden within, the chosen one prepared for her demise.

Systematically letting go of what didn’t benefit or nourish her she began to feel disoriented. For what purpose is she here if not to doubt and fear and deflect conflict? If not feeling bad about oneself, defeated or depressed, how does one then feel? If not a victim of circumstance, then who am I, what is my purpose? The lack of emotional abuse left her to deal with strictly her own thoughts. The absence of chaos around her was unfamiliar even scary since there was now nothing preventing her from growing into her potential. All of the time and energy she had wasted, pouring into undeserving shells of past were now at her own disposal.

The power of her inner strength and purpose loosened the firm footing she’d always known. The climate within her had transformed into something inspiring, heady scented blooms thick with a sweet futuristic perfume. The thick aromatic bouquet caused her to feel faint, loosing her sense of balance, she took a few steps back in an attempt to steady herself. But she tripped over decaying piles of passivity, insecurity and self doubt.

Tumbling weightlessly through the air, she reached out to steady herself again but only met with the slimy residue of molding expired thoughts and decisions that once consumed her and brought such comfort. Yet now lacking any real substance they did nothing to brace her fall. Their empty core collapsing without her obsessively constant nurturing. The atmosphere no longer producing the pessimistic gasses their spores fed upon. Her mind raced with panic…“I am all alone here, there has been no one sharing my self-defeating thoughts for quite some time now… the climate has changed”. She felt her essence descending, dissipating… and then there appeared a hand. From where it had been lent she was unsure, but she reached out for dear life seeing it as her last chance at survival. The deceivingly delicate hand firmly grasped her own, breaking the momentum of her fall. Dangling from the edge she watched hauntingly familiar eyes peer down upon her, there was an unspoken moment of certain recognition. Their piercing gaze settling in upon the central truth of her existence. Emotion clouded over their gaze momentarily, a single solitary tear emerged. Slipping down from above the salty sting of sorrow & regret washed over her, loosening her grasp. Frantically she struggled to hold on, but it was too late. Her 28 year reign was over.

Once while no one was looking… I let go of her, and began on a new path in a journey to me.