Jennifer is a woman I know through a woman’s business networking group, but not a client. She has been married and divorced two times. She has not had a long-term relationship since her last divorce which is over 12 years ago. This is not because she doesn’t want to be in a loving long-term relationship, she actually is very desirous of one.Jennifer is an attractive 40 something mother of two and has owned her own successful business for 15 years. She is very personable has lots of good friends…but for some reason she’s still single. Last May, a four-month relationship ended. It was his choice. This seems to be a pattern with Jennifer. All of her relationships including her two marriages have ended because the men decide it’s over. The odd thing is she talks very openly about her desire to be in a relationship and she’s just as candid about her failed attempts at relationships.Jennifer is a woman who has literally pulled herself up by her bootstraps. But sadly, she has difficulty reaching out for ‘real’ help that would give her the tools to end this pattern of self-sabotage. She’s managed to gather a group of ‘supportive’ women who are sympathetic to her painful plight of singlehood.From the outside looking in, it appears supportive, but in reality it is part of what is keeping her stuck. In May after her last breakup, Jennifer shared that she was really hurting. She said her emotions were raw and almost unbearable to experience. Now, fast forward four months since the breakup. Jennifer has now built up a story around this relationship and why it ended.Creating this story makes her feel better and gives her short-term relief from the pain. Long term, its keeping her stuck in this same pattern that is clearly keeping her single. Unfortunately, she is not open to honestly explore her part in this repeating pattern.Instead, she creates story after story and makes comments to the effect that she ‘intimidates men.’ And that, “I can’t make a man want the relationship,” “So what can I do?” etc. When experiencing these feelings of loneliness, hurt and rejection as well as confusion about not being in a relationship…the tendency is to create a story so we don’t have to feel the depth of our pain in the moment.There Are Two Types of PainThe first type of pain is the pain that you feel in the body when your break a bone, cut your finger, or burn your hand. The second type of pain is emotional pain. This is kind of pain that Jennifer is experiencing.It’s the disappointment, frustration and sadness that she is feels because she doesn’t have a man in her life to give her the meaningful and caring relationship that she so desires. Now, body pain is pretty easy to understand.If you fall and break your leg the pain alerts you that there is a problem. In the emergency room they put your leg in a cast and give you crutches because you will need to stay off that leg until it is healed. That means you will have to modify/change the way you normally walk until the leg is completely healed.But emotional pain is not so easy to understand and here’s why. When you experience emotional pain, it can feel overwhelming. But unlike the body pain of breaking your leg, it may not cause you to change or modify our behavior.With emotional pain you can put a soothing salve of ‘denial’ and ‘rationalization’ over the part that got hurt. That results in keeping you unconscious and in essence you can numb the pain. The way we do this is by telling ourselves a story. This story shows up with comments like:“When the time is right, Mr. Right will appear.”“Or if it’s meant to be it will happen.”And if it hasn’t happened…it’s not meant to be.What is really going on is you don’t want to feel the depth of the despair, thus the story appears to ‘deaden’ the pain. But luckily, there is a way out of this sabotaging pattern.How To Get Out Of The RutThe first step is to make a decision that you want to change your situation. That you want to move out of this pattern that keeps you in an unsuccessful loop.The second step is to become aware or what you’re telling yourself and others that keep you stuck in your story…rather than achieving the success in a relationship you really want.The third step is to stop playing the victim role and get rid of your pity party.The Fourth step is to ask yourself this:“Do I want to suffer because of this belief… or do I want to move on in my life?”See More

During the Christmas holidays do you feel like Scrooge? Do you feel depressed and miserable and wish Christmas would not come this year? Your first Christmas alone after divorce is not easy as anyone knows who has had to go through this experience. If you have kids and depending on your situation they will usually have to split their time between you and your ex. Or worse yet the kids are with your ex and his girlfriend. None of this adds cheer to your holiday that’s for sure.First realize that it is normal to experience sadness, frustration and even anger if this is your first holiday alone. If you feel sad, remember that sadness is just an emotion. Allow yourself to experience the sadness without running away from it so it can complete its cycle quickly.Once you let yourself feel your feelings, you’ll be able to feel more grounded. Emotions never last very long if you don’t resist them. They have a sequence. First they get triggered and set into motion by something. It could be a memory or even a TV commercial about families together on the holidays. Next the emotion peaks to a level of pain and discomfort, and lastly it dissipates and then it’s over.Although it is normal to feel blue when spending your first Christmas alone you must guard against establishing this as a pattern for future holiday celebrations. If you set this habit and routine of just surviving the holiday and feeling isolated because of all the pain you are in then you will continue to do this in the future. You will literally become a prisoner of your past.Remember A Christmas Carol by Charles Dickens? The story tells of sour and stingy Ebenezer Scrooge’s ideological, ethical, and emotional transformation after the supernatural visitations of Jacob Marley and the Ghosts of Christmases Past, Present, and Yet to Come.You don’t want to get stuck in the ‘Ghosts of Christmas Past’ lamenting about how wonderful the holidays were before the divorce, but now you are sad and alone on this holiday. If you grit your teeth to just to survive these times you will create a pattern that will continue forward year after year, after year.Instead use the holidays as a way of setting the ground work for your new beginning. Shift your attitude and decide that you’re going to reinvent yourself and enjoy your life and your relationships. As Debbie Ford says in her book, The Right Questions, “Every choice we make leads us in one of two directions. We are headed either towards a future that inspires us or toward a past that limits us.”Start right now. Make a list of things you are interested in doing or learning. Focus these interests around interacting with others. As an example you could join a group that tours different wineries in your area. Alternatively, you could learn to play tennis by joining a tennis class at your local community center. If you like to dance sign up for dance classes that are being offered in your area. Check out all the classes that are available at your community college and register for one of them.The bottom line is you want to start to establish new friendships that fit for who you are today. You want to put yourself in situations where you will meet available men like in a class on investing in Real Estate as just one example.Think of it this way. Pretend you have moved to a new city and you are doing things to learn about this area. You will put energy into meeting new people and becoming active in the community. Even though in reality you may be living in the same area or maybe even the same house and neighborhood you lived in before your divorce, change everything else.Alter your routine. Shop at a specialty supermarket like ‘Whole Foods,’ assuming that is not a part of your routine. Smile and say hi to the other shoppers there. Take your dog to another dog park. Get involved in diverse community activities. Join a different gym or health club. Out with the old in with the new should be your motto. Soon you will see your life moving in different and exciting directions.Your first Christmas alone after divorce could prove to be your opportunity for all kinds of ‘firsts’ as you come forward as the new you. You are stepping out into an innovative world. If you relax and let yourself enjoy all the things that will come your way you will wonder why you didn’t do this sooner. Please leave a comment and share with others about your first holidays alone after divorce.See More

Most women fear divorce more than anything, but what if divorce isn’t even in the cards because your new beau wouldn’t ever dream of getting married? If you’re like every other marriage-minded woman, you’re tired of being single and you’re looking for love. It’s thrilling to want to jump into a relationship with a new man, but make sure you don’t get stuck with a man who will NEVER put a ring on your finger! Here’s how to spot these pesky time-wasting bachelors, the men who don’t want to give up the single life.1. Is he well known at every spot in town?A well-traveled man (and date connoisseur) will know the best restaurants and the best bars. If your man is getting winks and is on a first name basis with the maître d’ at every restaurant you visit, chances are he’s done this circuit before, and with another woman. Sure, some familiarity is great; good connections are a good sign. Still, if he’s too friendly, you’re probably one of many dates at his “favorite Italian place.”2. Have you run into several of his exes already?It’s a small world. It makes sense that you might run into an old friend once or twice, or a former flame. But, if every area in town seems like a minefield of ex-girlfriends, it begins to get a bit troublesome. Sure, some people have a more extensive track record than others. However, take care to make sure you don’t become one more breadcrumb in a trail of commitment issues, for the next girl to follow.3. Does he rush you out of bed in the morning?A man who always has business meetings super early, can’t be bothered to stay in bed and lounge around on a Saturday morning, or leaves before you wake up isn’t looking for any kind of commitment. He’s only looking to sleep with you. It’s tough, but a man who wants to spend serious time with you will find a way.4. Is he private about his phone?When he’s rude about his phone, sending text messages and keeping it just out of your reach, and even ignoring calls or texts when you’re around, something might be wrong. If he’s a juggler (a guy who dates multiple girls and is always working to ensure you don’t get too close), he’ll do everything in your power to keep you isolated away from his friends who might blow his cover.5. Has he avoided interactions with your friends – or his?A confirmed bachelor really sees no need to get too attached, and that includes meeting his parents, or yours. Sometimes, a break-up is about more than just the two people in the relationship: it means breaking up with his family, too, and he just doesn’t want that much of a commitment. Not every guy should introduce you to his folks after the first date, but if the holidays roll around and he suddenly makes himself scarce, take the hints he’s giving and get out of there.Not everyone is ready to get married, and not everyone wants to. This is a viable choice for any individual, but when you’re spending valuable time and hoping for a different end goal than he has in mind, you could wind up wasting some seriously important time in your life, and missing out on other amazing men. Make sure you and your man are on the same life path and avoid the confirmed bachelors at all costs if you’re a commitment-minded person!See More

If you are sick and tired of every let down that traditional dating has led you to, you may be interested in a more modern trend of dating: online dating. You may be all that when it comes to picking up girls on the street and in bars, but to be an effective online dater, then you will need a completely new set of social skills. Why? When you pick up a girl at a bar, the way you softly speak to her and the way you playfully touch her hand and back are all invalid moves when it comes to dating online. So how do you pick up women when all of your best pick up moves have been left in the dust? You may be able to salvage certain pick up lines while speaking online but the entire physical aspect is eliminated. What you should realize is that removing the physical part is a major advantage for you. Women are much more emotional than they are physical. If you can appeal to her emotionally, then you are going to be clear sailing when it comes to meeting up and integrating the physical element. Women do not want to be pressured into a physical situation when they are not ready to. Of course, you may be able to do this within minutes, but women appreciate a man more who can relate to them on an emotional level and do not rely on their physical appearance to get them in bed. Communication is the most important aspect of an online dating situation. Don’t be a fool. The majority of your conversations will be on some type of messenger. This means that there is no reason for you to forget anything or not be able to pull up a conversation to make her know that you really do pay attention or not. Women know when you really aren’t into them. If you want to impress a lady, use your online resources to do so. If you are really serious about online dating and not looking for a simple fling to meet up and hook up with then use the profiles. Find women that you are interested and who would be interested in you. Why waste your time? When you go out to the bar, you only have the pick of the night with the pool of women lingering around. Online, you have millions of women to check out and pick up. Since this is the case, find someone that you would be able to have a good conversation that you are actually interested in having and that is attractive to you as well. It seems like a no brainer yet there aren’t enough people who are taking advantage of matching tools and common sense when it comes to dating. In a nutshell, use online profiles to meet the right women so that you are not going out with just anyone. You can go out with someone everyday who is attractive to you and someone who stimulates you. Therefore, to be successful in the online dating world, appeal to a woman’s emotions. Once she is comfortable, then you can start throwing out the physical comments but keep them to a minimum until you start going out. Online dating is the new way to meet people. It can be extremely easy and fun. If you love going out with multiple people then this is the way to do it. About Author Alex Wise is blog contributor and dating consultant of Loveawake.com. He works with single men across USA, UK, Australia, Canada who feel like life is passing them by and helps them to get clear on what they really want and finally make their dreams happen. Through his tips and advices, Alex helps his clients simplify the process of taking back their power and create an extraordinary life. He has been covering online dating, relationships, breakups and marriage niche since 2008.See More

Getting your ex to want you back after a breakup can be considered a quite challenging process. This runs specifically true when you are the primary reason of the breakup. Then again, using the proper plan of action, it is possible to push some triggers inside your ex’s heart and have him/her to get you back again. Here are a few of these ideas so that you can follow.Tip #1- You should not beg or even plea with your ex to consider you back. Sure you will be extremely depressed and you will also have a gut feeling from time to time to pour out your heart to your ex, however, you should never give in. This can look like an indicator of weakness and you’ll at the same time look desperate to your ex that can shun him/her even further away. You need to let your ex find out that you’re emotionally tough which enable you to make it through without him/her.Tip #2- Get out there and meet brand new friends and also take your thoughts away from the breakup. You have to be happy, and even though your current friends can’t seal the actual space that is normally created from the breakup, these people may help you for you to really feel happy and relief of the various breakup pain. Just go to parties and also meet fresh people, and you will also understand that you had been missing out on loads of things you certainly not had the opportunity to carry out as you were together with your ex most of the time.Tip #3- Maintain your communication lines available in between you as well as your ex. It will be easy since your ex lover have no clue that you like to reconcile with him/her. Thus you need to call him/her every now and then to point out that you simply still care. Basically making a telephone call as well as inquiring your ex how things are going can produce a positive change in making an effort to get your ex to take you back.These are just simple but powerful tips in how to make your ex want you back again. Use your own freewill if you will follow these tips or not, cause at the end of the day you control what will happen next and if you will get your ex back or not. About AuthorAlex Wise is the publisher and founder of Loveawake online dating site, which launched in July 2009 and has been providing original free dating services and relationship advices, tips, articles, reviews, and videos to readers ever since. Follow him on the company site or on Facebook and TwitterSee More