Betrayed Spouses who reconciled or are actively working on R now- how many of you only decided to reconcile because you have kids together with your Bs? Would you have gone the divorce route had children not been a factor?

WW/BS-Me- 31
BS/WH- Him 31
DD - 12/2012

Status - Living separately since DD

Update: Now a mad-hatter. Bs decided to sleep with not just one but TWO girls in the 2 months we've been separated.

Posts: 198 | Registered: Jan 2013

cdnmommy♀ 30182Member # 30182

Posted: 11:00 PM, February 12th (Tuesday), 2013

I can say for certain I would not have tried to R if we didn't have a child together. In our case, I'm not sure the infidelity would have happened if we had not had children, though. That was the start of a downward spiral for my fWH.

That being said, I would not have stayed in my M, child or no, if there had not been significant changes. Kids are a great reason to try to save a marriage, but it is important to me that my son see me healthy and whole.

BH here and I did not R. However, I can say that leaving my SD was very, very hard. Her dad is active and engaged in her life, which made all of the difference in the world. If my xww and I had any COM then it would have several more years (if ever) before I could leave. We wouldn't have been in R though because my xww wasn't capable. It would have been more like eternal rugsweeping.

xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 4272 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast

circlinggirl♀ 37035Member # 37035

Posted: 11:02 PM, February 12th (Tuesday), 2013

My children were definitely a large part of my decision to R. I remember the night of Dday, all I could think of or say was "I love my kids, I love my kids...I don't know what to do." It was hard to decide if having a father who had done something so disgusting and disrespectful outweighed not having a father around at all.

My WS was so devastated on Dday and the weeks after. He opened up to me more than he ever had. He did and continues to do everything in his power to help build my trust and move our relationship in a healthy direction. Had he not done these things, I would have decided differently.

Also, the fact remains that I happen to love him very deeply. Even what he did couldn't change that. If we didn't have kids I probably would have moved out and taken some space, but deep in my heart I believe that I still would have stayed with him. So far it has been very worth it, as I feel our relationship is more authentic than it has ever been.

We did not have kids, and reconciled. There are a few of us here! But I think a lot of people initially stay because of their kids, whether that impacts their long term decision to reconcile or divorce.

We did not have children together and are divorced because of the As. He was a huge part of my DD's life growing up but she was already grown by the time R came about.

I was receptive to R because he had done much of the work on himself that he needed to. If he had not dug deep like he had, there would not be R.

I've gotten off the crazy train and I'm loving living life.

Posts: 1410 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Florida

JanaGreen♀ 29341Member # 29341

Posted: 7:40 AM, February 13th (Wednesday), 2013

The first time, I probably would have - he confessed and was remorseful (ONS). The second time - probably not. He was sending emails/texts to some chick, nothing sexual, but shitty boundaries, and if I could have just made a clean break I probably would have. That was so much worse, to me, than what had happened before.

Having kids was part of my decision to work on my marriage. It wasn't the only thing that affected my decision but it was a large part of it. I had a very hard time with the fact that my daughter would be very upset and angry had I decided to leave. She thinks the sun shines out his butt. But I know now that if heaven forbids he does this again, I'd leave without any hesitation because she needs to know that this is unacceptable behaviour.

Having kids with him was definitely a deciding factor in my decision to try to R. Especially since my youngest was only 4 weeks old on Dday. His A's had been over for years before I found out, though, and I sometimes wonder if I would have been as willing to R if he was in an active A on DDay.

Anyway, kids can influence the decision to try, but ultimately it comes down to both WH and myself. We both have to work on R every day, kids or no.

Me-BS, Late 20's
Him-WH, Late 20's
M 9 years, together 14
DS and DD
D-Day 1/16/12

"Long is the way And hard, that out of Hell leads up to Light" -John Milton, Paradise Lost

Posts: 228 | Registered: Jan 2012

dameia♀ 36072Member # 36072

Posted: 7:58 AM, February 13th (Wednesday), 2013

Yes, if we did not have 3 children I would have chosen a D. In fact, if we only had our DD, as was the case for most of the A's, I would have pursued a D. It was only when considering the best interests for our 3 kids that I decided to give R a try.

Me: BS
D-Day: 7/7/12

Trust is like paper. Once it's crumpled it can never be perfect again.

Posts: 1469 | Registered: Jul 2012

Issaquah♀ 34484Member # 34484

Posted: 7:59 AM, February 13th (Wednesday), 2013

When my WH had his first A 13 years ago we did not have children and I was fully commited R.

The DDays that have come after children my desire for R was mainly focused on my children with still loving him secondary.

BS - Me, 41 SAHM back in grad school
WS - Husband, 43 SA dx in March 2013
T-20, M-18 college sweethearts
Multiple DDays since 1999 - OW's all the way back to engagement
Most recent DDay 8-12,false R 1/13
DD-11, DS 13 with ASD

Posts: 807 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Virginia

champ♂ 8559Member # 8559

Posted: 8:54 AM, February 13th (Wednesday), 2013

with out kids i would have been gone. I could not be a every other weekend dad so i stayed

Posts: 110 | Registered: Oct 2005

introspect♀ 34040Member # 34040

Posted: 10:11 AM, February 13th (Wednesday), 2013

We don't have children and have reconciled. We had been together about 8 years on DDay, and to me it was worth seeing whether our relationship and the life we'd built in that time was worth fixing. Turns out, it was. Because it was just the two of us we were able to really focus on each other and on ourselves as individuals and what we wanted without wondering how it would affect other lives.

That said, WH has really, really done and has continued to do the hard work to R. Without that, I likely would have been long gone.

Me: BW, 34
Him: WS, 39
D-day June 15, 2011

Posts: 133 | Registered: Nov 2011

heartbroken2012♀ 38089Member # 38089

Posted: 10:15 AM, February 13th (Wednesday), 2013

I am trying to R with my WH....TRYING, I think he is still in the fog or not remorseful but we are trying to R....and no not because we have kids, but because i loved him and I am trying to love the person that he is now.

You are not dealing with rational people or situations. Normal thought processes won't work...story of my life.

Me- BW, 30
Him- fWh, 36
Mostly R'd, minus a few scars...bought a house and got a puppy...And baby makes 3! She arrived August 2013

Posts: 2105 | Registered: Sep 2011

bestbecameworst♀ 31507Member # 31507

Posted: 10:50 AM, February 13th (Wednesday), 2013

We have no kids, and I have been trying to R for over 2 years now, but H is not doing all the work he needs to do.

Having said that, he was so far up his own a$$ - no job, depressed, etc - that we developed a parent/child relationship which haunts us to this day.

I am looking into D.

Kids probably would have made a difference.

bbw

Me: BS
Together since 1997, married Jan 2010, EA started Feb 2010, PA June 2010
D-day1 Oct 20 2010 / D-day2 Oct 21 2010 and following week / found this site Mar 2011
He didn't do work to reconcile.
DIVORCED in 2014 and HAPPY!

Posts: 599 | Registered: Mar 2011

crazynot♀ 24572Member # 24572

Posted: 10:50 AM, February 13th (Wednesday), 2013

I made no decisions. When he told me he was 'seeing someone else and our marriage was over' our son was 14 and our daughter 18 and going through her pre-college exams. I was DESPERATE to keep the family together and to split him up from HER. He took that as me controlling him. Where are we now, four years (almost) later? He's still with her but struggling. Kids are ok-ish - daughter still heartbroken and struggling to maintain relationship with the dad who let her down so badly. Son who is my rock and says he'll always 'take his dad with a pinch of salt'. As for me? I'm in a new place, have a great life and close relationship with my kids (who live with me when not at college). In four years they have never spoken to 'the woman who destroyed our family'. Armageddon and destruction everywhere. Upside for me is that I've fallen in love with the man I should have met 30 years ago. Infidelity destroys so much. It's like a fire.

Me - 50
Him - 51
DDay 21 March 2009
Divorcing and delighted!

Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it.

Posts: 1331 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: UK

toomanyregrets♂ 37740Member # 37740

Posted: 11:18 AM, February 13th (Wednesday), 2013

Yes,
It was the kids.
I'd always wanted a family with children so they came first. I WAS NOT going to have them grow up with my MIL, which is where they would have been.

BH - 65
fWW - 61

"Affairs are not mistakes, they are a series of deliberate choices." - CrappyLife
"Regret is when you realize you broke your own heart.
Remorse is when you realize you broke someone else's." - Blakesteele