Some people are born to greatness while others have greatness thrust upon them. Neither of those describes me. I'm more of the hermit/crotchety/Pastafarian/mediocre type carbon life form. I keep living my life until I have wealth thrust upon me which will happen when I find that cached pirate’s booty that has been buried in the back forty. (Don’t ask me how, or why, pirates would bury their gold miles from the ocean and in the bush, they just did okay.)

Friday, November 16, 2012

How to Perform Phone Sex in One Easy Lesson

I just got off the phone after getting sucked into taking a survey about natural, organic, free range, vegan foods which have died naturally surrounded by singing angels in a loving environment and I'm feeling a bit violated. You see typically I am not a fan of talking on the phone so normally when someone asks me to take a survey I quickly press the disconnect button.

I will make exceptions for some people, but if I were to use my fingers to count those people I would not use all the digits up on one hand.

The following is an example of conversations which I don't mind -

Me: Hi
Caller: Hi. What time are we meeting for linedancingogratingballhoops?
Me: I booked townhall for twelvity clock.
Caller: Okay see you there. Bye.
Me: Bye.

Short, to the point, and no long awkward pauses.

On the other hand I hate feeling pressured into having to carry on conversations because if I didn't it would just end up with the two of us breathing at each other until our receivers got all steamy. That's just plain old phone sex and frankly I've had all the phone sex I can take.

Of course there are even worse types of calls, people I don't know, but who think they know me.

Me: Hi.
Schoolmate I haven't spoken to in thirty years: HI! OMG I can't believe I finally got a hold of you on the phone. I've been calling, and calling, and calling, and you've never picked up before.
Me: Yeah my caller ID isn't working. Who did you say it was?
Schoolmate: It's me silly, Jenna-Jean Pink-Pants-Backstabber, remember we used to sit in the same classroom in kindergarten. I was the one who always showed off her underpants to the boys.
Me: No.
Schoolmate: Don't you remember we once wore the same colour pants on the same day? My mom was so traumatized that she burned all my clothes.
Me: Um...no.
Schoolmate: Anyway it's so great hearing your voice and I can't believe we get to catch up this way. By the way I was wondering how much I could put you down for a donation to pay for my daughter's bible college...
Me: Click.
Schoolmate: Hello? Hello?

You see I used to work for a big company in Materials Management, first as a buyer, then as a Purchasing Agent and essentially being a buyer/agent means spending a LOT of time on the phone. And when I say a LOT I mean A LOT! I have spent more time than any human being should ever spend speaking to other human beings. Five life times worth. Karma will probably bring me back as a mute in the next lifetime and then deaf for the next after that.

Unfortunately almost all that time on the phone involved....salesmen. Yeech. (Karma will be bringing those guys back as cockroaches.)

Salesmen speak - You are so lucky we happen to have a sale on for the nosepickingenometer which you are calling about for 75% off but the sale ends today.

Real Meaning - Wow I can't believe someone is calling about this piece of crap that I was about to throw away, it's worth nothing but I will see if I can get her to pay me thousands of dollars by not giving her time to think about it. Plus she is a woman and consequently stupid.

Salesman speak - Me love you long time so this offer is only exclusive to you my favourite of all favourite buyers who is pretty, and smart, and talented, and who I want to marry and have children with.

Real Meaning - I will make sweet, sweet love to you over the phone therefore you will buy anything from me because you are a woman and not too bright. And in no way, shape, or form will you feel violated after I am done with you. Not until I actually am done with you that is and have taken bilked you out of a fortune.

These days most of my social activities involve email, or Facebook. Those options are a joy to yours truly, Ms. Antisocial Introvert. My favourite button these days is the, Ignore, when Jenna Pink-Pants or her ex husband Marvin Slimy-Toad sends me a friend request. Although I do have to admit that I wasn't always this particular, in fact, when I first got onto Facebook I was somewhat naive and I happily allowed all and sundry through who wanted to be my friend, but after one too many - Click, Like, if you heart rainbow coloured bunnies who love Jesus and eat pink crayons - and I was done. Now I am much more particular who I Friend. (When did friend become a verb anyway?)

But to tell the truth I would still pick the pink crayon eating, Jesus loving, bunnies over most phone conversations because there is this other button that allows you to Block Updates...or better yet, Unfriend!

1 comment:

I'm glad to see there were less than more details on how to perform these phone sex lessons that were touted by today's title. I wonder if there is a correlation between the amount of cockroaches to salesmen deaths in an area. You should look into that!!

About Me

Iron Bess isn’t my real name, it is the name I use when I am working undercover for the CIA, M5, and the FSM. Every post in this blog is coded to send my secrets across the ether safely to Cthulu’s minions who will use the information to infiltrate all the governments of the world. You may have seen some of my influences already. Casual Fridays. Inspirational posters on the walls. Four hour budget meetings right after lunch. Employee evaluations. And the pièce de résistance, TV commercials. Diabolical.
In the meantime I hang out at Kitpu Estates pretending to be a hermit while trying to hide my ankle monitor as I await sentencing for that stabby little incident with the waiter who was trying to take my plate before I was done all of my cake. It was a trifling little matter, after all he still has his other hand.