Sherlock Holmes (2009 film)

Sherlock Holmes is a 2009 film that follows the famous detective and his faithful friend Watson as they go up against the nefarious Lord Blackwood and try to demystify his supposed resurrection, all while handling the distractions of an occult group in London, the infamous Irene Adler, and Watson's impending marriage to his dear Mary.

Contents

[First lines; surveying a ruffian guard; voiceover] Head cocked to the left. Partial deafness in ear. [Holmes slaps the guard in the left ear] First point of attack. Two: throat; paralyse vocal chords, stop scream. [Grabs the guard by the neck, stifling his vocal cords and silencing his scream] Three: got to be heavy drinker. Floating rib to the liver. [The guard gets punched in the gut] Four: finally, drag in left leg, fist to patella. [Punches and drags the left leg] Summary prognosis: conscious in ninety seconds, partial efficacy: quarter of an hour at best. Full faculty recovery: unlikely. [Back in real time, Holmes uses his coat to conceal himself in the shadows, and as the guard strolls past him, Holmes leaps out, does all of the above in a matter of seconds, and steals the guard's bowler hat and lantern, before taking off down the stairs.]

[As he and Watson are confronted by Dredger and two smaller thugs, Dredger asks him if he has any problem] Meat … or potatoes?

Watson, what have you done?

[Wakes up naked with Adler having cuffed him spread-eagle to the bed with a pillow over his genitals. A maid comes in, sees him and shrieks] Madam, I need you to remain calm. And trust me, I'm a professional. Beneath this pillow lies the key to my release. [The maid runs out in disgust]

Watson: You've been in this room for two weeks. I insist you have to get out.

Holmes: [looking out the window] There is absolutely nothing of interest to me, out there, on Earth, at all.

Watson: [pauses] So you're free this evening?

Holmes: Absolutely.

Watson: Dinner?

Holmes: Wonderful.

Watson: The Royale?

Holmes: My favorite.

Watson: [starts to leave] … Mary's coming.

Holmes: [looks up] … Not available.

Watson: You're meeting her, Holmes!

Holmes: Have you proposed yet?

Watson: No, I haven't found the right ring.

Holmes: Then it's not official.

Watson: It's happening, whether you like it or not! 8:30, The Royale. Wear a jacket. [departs]

Holmes: You wear a jacket.

Mary: It does seem a little far-fetched at times, making these grand assumptions based on such tiny details …

Holmes: Well, that's not exactly true, is it? The little details are by far the most important. Take Watson –

Mary: I intend to.

Mary Morstan: What can you tell about me?

Sherlock Holmes: You?

[He and Watson exchange a look]

John Watson: Oh, I don't think that's –

Sherlock Holmes: I don't know that that's –

John Watson: Not at dinner.

Sherlock Holmes: Perhaps some other time.

Mary Morstan: I insist.

Sherlock Holmes: You insist?

John Watson: You remember we discussed this.

Sherlock Holmes: The lady insists.

[Holmes takes a look]

Sherlock Holmes: You're a governess.

Mary Morstan: Well done.

John Watson: Yes, very well done. Now, shall we? Waiter!

Sherlock Holmes: Your student … is a boy of eight.

Mary Morstan: Charlie's seven, actually.

Sherlock Holmes: Ah, well, then he's tall for his age. He flicked ink on you today.

Mary Morstan: Do I have ink on my face?

John Watson: There's nothing wrong with your face.

Sherlock Holmes: There are two drops on your ear, in fact. India Blue is nearly impossible to get off.

[Holmes is standing in front of a glass containing a group of flies, strumming chords on his violin as he observes them]

Sherlock Holmes: Watson, what started merely as an experiment has led me to the brink of a remarkable discovery.

Dr. John Watson: You do realize that what you're drinking is meant for eye surgery?

Sherlock Holmes: If I play a chromatic scale, there's no measurable response. Now, and this is remarkable, I switch to atonal clusters …

[The flies start flying in neat circles]

Sherlock Holmes: Voilà! They fly in synchronized, counterclockwise, concentric circles, as though a regimented flock. Watson, this is extraordinary. I, using musical theory, have created order … out of chaos.

Dr. John Watson: How did you lure them in?

Sherlock Holmes: Excellent question. Individually. I've been at it for six hours.

Dr. John Watson: And what happens if I do this?

[He takes the lid off the glass and taps the glass with his cane, letting all the insects fly out]

Sherlock Holmes: … Right.

Dr. John Watson: Get yourself cleaned up. You are Blackwood's last request.

[Holmes is visiting Blackwood in his cell and has noticed various occult carvings in the walls; Blackwood himself is reading from the Book of Revelation]

Sherlock Holmes: I love what you've done with the place.

Lord Blackwood: So glad you could accept my invitation.

Sherlock Holmes: I just have a small point of concern.

Lord Blackwood: How can I help?

Sherlock Holmes: I'd already followed the murders with some interest, and while my heart went out primarily to the families of the victims, I couldn't help but notice a criminal mastery in the stroke of your brush.

Lord Blackwood: You're too kind.

Sherlock Holmes: However, by comparison, your work in the crypt was more akin to a finger painting.

[Holmes has just spoken with Blackwood, who has warned him about three impending deaths that he cannot prevent]

Inspector Lestrade: What did he want?

Sherlock Holmes: Not sure … [sees a priest] But I don't think you're needed, Father. Not for this one.

Sherlock Holmes: [pointing his cane to Dredger and then to the thugs] Meat … or potatoes?

John Watson: My ten minutes are up.

[The three thugs attack them; Watson takes on the two short thugs while Holmes engages Dredger; Dredger grabs Holmes by the neck and throws him across a table into a wall; after this, Holmes staggers to his feet]

Sherlock Holmes: Un moment, s'il vous plaît …["One moment, please."]

Dredger: Je ne suis pas pressé.["I'm in no hurry."]

[Holmes whacks Dredger with a pipe until he accidentally strikes a column; Holmes manages to grab an odd copper wand-like object; when he puts the tips to Dredger's chest, it sends Dredger flying backwards and straight through a wall; Holmes gets to his feet, and after recharging the taser-wand, he hears sounds from behind the wall; eventually, we hear a few crashes, and Dredger shoves open two other doors, carrying a small knife]

[Holmes uses the taser to send an electric shock through a pipe to a knife that Dredger is holding, causing him to go flying backwards against the thug that is holding Watson at knifepoint, crushing the thug; Holmes then blows out a bit of smoke from the taser]

John Watson: [in surprise] Holmes, what is that?

Sherlock Holmes: Je ne sais pas. ["I don't know."]

[Dredger grabs the taser from Holmes after Holmes accuses him of working for Blackwood]

Dredger: Cours, petit lapin, cours.["Run, little rabbit, run."]

Holmes: Avec plaisir.["With pleasure."]

Irene Adler: So … case closed. Which makes this a social visit.

Sherlock Holmes: No, it's a "you're in over your head, Irene" visit.

[Holmes is summoned to the scene of Sir Thomas's death]

Sherlock Holmes: Why did you drain the bathwater?

Constable Clarkie: Out of common decency, sir.

Sherlock Holmes: Crime is common, logic is rare. The decent thing is to catch the killer, not provide comfort for the corpse.

Sherlock Holmes: You know, somehow I knew you wouldn't leave.

Irene Adler: [holds up a newspaper, showing the headline "Sherlock Holmes – WANTED"] You made the front page.

Sherlock Holmes: Only a name and no picture.

Irene Adler: Anyway, it appears that you'll be working outside the law now, and that's my area of expertise.

Sherlock Holmes: I feel safer already.

Irene: I've never woken up in handcuffs before.

Holmes: I have … naked. [referring to earlier in the film]

Irene: He's just as brilliant as you are, and infinitely more devious.

Sherlock Holmes:[voice-over] This mustn't register on an emotional level … [in slow motion] First, distract target … [Holmes flicks a handkerchief in front of his opponent's face] Then block his blind jab, counter with cross to left cheek. Discombobulate. [Holmes claps his hands over his opponent's ears] Dazed, will attempt wild haymaker. Employ elbow block, and body shot. [blocks with his elbow and delivers a body blow] Block feral left, weaken right jaw, now fracture. [a cross to the jaw fractures the bone] Break cracked ribs, traumatize solar plexus, dislocate jaw entirely. [two more body blows, and a right hook to the jaw hinge] Heel kick to diaphragm … [a heel kick to the opponent's chest sends him crashing out of the ring] In summary: ears ringing, jaw fractured, three ribs cracked, four broken, diaphragm hemorrhaging. Physical recovery: six weeks. Full psychological recovery: six months. Capacity to spit at back of head: neutralized. [Back in real time, Holmes picks up the handkerchief, as though wiping the back of his neck, then proceeds to do all of the foregoing in approximately six seconds, and kicks McMurdo out of the ring, before calmly walking away]

Onlooker: Where did that come from?! [Those who place their bets realize that they've lost their money]

Sherlock Holmes: You've never complained about my methods before.

Dr. John Watson: I'm not complaining.

Sherlock Holmes: You're not? What do you call this?

Dr. John Watson: I never complain! How am I complaining?! When do I ever complain about you practicing the violin at three in the morning, or your mess, your general lack of hygiene, or the fact that you steal my clothes?!

Sherlock Holmes: Uh, we have a barter system …

Dr. John Watson: When have I ever complained about you setting fire to my rooms?

Sherlock Holmes: Our rooms …

Dr. John Watson: The rooms! Or, or, the fact that you experiment on my dog?

Sherlock Holmes: Our dog …

Dr. John Watson: The dog!

Sherlock Holmes: Gladstone is our dog!

[Mrs. Hudson starts to clear space for the tea tray]

Sherlock Holmes: Don't touch. Everything is in its proper place as per usual … Nanny. [on her way out, Mrs. Hudson notices Gladstone the dog laying on the floor]

Mrs. Hudson: Oh, he's killed the dog. Again.

Dr. John Watson: [irritated] What have you done to Gladstone now?

Sherlock Holmes: I was simply testing a new anesthetic. He doesn't mind.

Sherlock Holmes: There is a toxin, refined from the nectar of the rhododendron ponticum. It's quite infamous in the region of Turkey bordering the Black Sea for its ability to induce an apparently mortal paralysis. Enough to deceive even a medical mind as tenacious and well-trained as yours. It's known locally as …

[Cuts back to when Irene Adler left the room. Holmes pretends to strum chords on his violin. As soon as Irene closes the door behind her, Holmes races over to the window and arrives in time to see her exiting the building. He runs back to the door. Watson is coming upstairs when Holmes comes running downstairs, and he opens the window at the midway landing]

Dr. John Watson: Holmes, what are you doing?

Sherlock Holmes: Nothing.

Dr. John Watson: Are you wearing a …

Sherlock Holmes: … false nose? No.

Dr. John Watson: [as Holmes steals his coat] Tell me that that wasn't … [before he can say "Irene Adler," Holmes jumps out the window and lands on a dumpster] Holmes, where are you going? [Holmes jumps onto another dumpster that is much lighter and the roof collapses under his weight.]

[Holmes makes his way up a flight of stairs and into a back street. He eventually catches up to Irene. He hides behind a stall and watches as Irene passes a man in a passageway with a bouquet of flowers]

First Man: Got some flowers for you, sweetheart. Cut you a deal 'cause you're so pretty.

Irene Adler: Oh! My lucky day!

Second Man: [comes up behind Irene and sniffs the flowers] Have you got something else for me?

[Irene promptly pulls out a leather cudgel and strikes the second thug across the face, and takes the first man hostage at knifepoint]

Irene Adler: Don't move! [she lowers the knife blade a bit and searches the man's pockets] Now what have we got here? Oh! [She takes the man's wallet, and the flower bouquet] Thank you.

Sherlock Holmes: That's the Irene I know. [He continues to follow Irene, passing through a small circus. He follows her through a small dressing tent, swiping some items to add to his disguise. Irene momentarily turns around, and does not notice that standing behind a performer carrying a weight is Holmes, wearing a top hat, a scarf, and an eyepatch over his left eye. As soon as she turns away, Holmes emerges from hiding and continues to follow her. He intercepts the carriage as it is coming along by ramming into the side of the horse, causing it to stop. The scene then fast-forwards through Holmes being yelled at by the driver and being scared off by the employer's wrist-mounted pistol and cuts to Holmes finishing his story]

Watson: Lace doilies? [He realizes that Holmes must have paid the fortune teller to rip him off] Holmes? Does your depravity know no boundaries?

Holmes: No.

Fortune Teller: Oh, she turns to fat! And oh, she has a beard!

Holmes: What of the warts?

Fortune Teller: Oh she's covered in warts.

Watson: Enough.

Holmes: [over Watson] Are they extensive?

Watson: Please, enough!

Holmes: It's the most apt prediction Flora has made in years, and precisely the reason you cannot find a ring.

Sherlock Holmes: [while they search Reordan's apartment] Irene Adler was here. Either that or the ginger midget wore the same Parisian perfume. [sniffs the air] Ah, putrefaction!

Watson: [looking at papers on Reordan's walls] It looks like he was attempting to combine some kind of sorcery and scientific formula.

Holmes: [noticing some papers that were burnt to cover their contents] More importantly, let's see what he was trying to dispose of.

[A chambermaid enters Irene Adler's room and screams when she sees Holmes, handcuffed naked to the bed with a pillow covering his groin]

Sherlock Holmes: Madam, I need you to remain calm. And trust me, I'm a professional. But beneath this pillow … lies the key to my release.

[The maid screams again and runs out in disgust]

[Cuts to Holmes retelling the story to Clarkie in a carriage]

Sherlock Holmes: Of course, she misinterpreted my meaning entirely.

Constable Clark: Naturally, sir.

Sherlock Holmes: That's why I find this modern religious fervor so troubling. There's no room for misunderstanding.

Constable Clark: Faith runs right over reason, sir.

Sherlock Holmes: Indeed. And chamber maids were once such a liberal breed.

Constable Clark: My wife's a chamber maid, sir. [pause] Anyhow, it's a good thing she was offended, sir. Otherwise we'd never have found you. The Inspector's been over to Baker Street himself twice this morning, sir.

Sherlock Holmes: Ah, yes.

[Another pause]

Constable Clark: Just joking about the wife, sir.

[Irene fires two shots at Dredger, before her pistol clicks empty. Dredger examines a bullet hole in his bowler hat.]

Dredger: Tu m'a manqué?["Did you miss me?"]

Holmes: I rather wish you hadn't done that, Irene.

Sir Thomas: Mr. Holmes, apologies for summoning you like this. I'm sure it's quite a mystery as to where you are, and who I am …

Sherlock Holmes: [providing a turn by turn account of the route] As to where I am, I was, admittedly, lost for a moment, between Charing Cross and Holborn, but I was saved by the bread shop on Saffron Hill. The only baker to use a certain French glaze on their loaves – a Brittany sage. After that, the carriage forked left, then right, and then the tell-tale bump at the Fleet Conduit. And as to who you are, that took every ounce of my not-inconsiderable experience. The letters on your desk were addressed to a Sir Thomas Rotherham. Lord Chief Justice, that would be the official title. Who you really are is, of course, another matter entirely. Judging by the sacred ox on your ring, you're the secret head of the Temple of the Four Orders in whose headquarters we now sit, located on the northwest corner of St. James Square, I think. As to the mystery, the only mystery is why you bothered to blindfold me at all.

Sir Thomas: Yes, well … standard procedure, I suppose.

[Lestrade brings Holmes, handcuffed, before the Home Secretary, Lord Coward]

Inspector Lestrade: Excuse me, my lord. I know it's unorthodox, but Mr. Holmes here has been making some serious accusations about you … [lifts his lapel, showing a membership pin from the Temple of the Four Orders] … and the Order, sir.

Lord Coward: I see.

Sherlock Holmes: Well, at least that solves the great mystery of how you became Inspector.

Inspector Lestrade: [turns and punches Holmes in the stomach] Begging your pardon, my lord, but I've been wanting to do that for a long time.

[Holmes is spying on Blackwood's sacrifice. One of Blackwood's henchmen tries to sneak up on him, but Watson grabs him and chokes him in a hold]

Dr. John Watson: I like the hat.

Sherlock Holmes: Thanks, I just picked it up.

Dr. John Watson: You remember your revolver?

Sherlock Holmes: Oh, knew I forgot something. Thought I left the stove on.

Dr. John Watson: You did.

Sherlock Holmes: I think that's quite enough. You are a doctor, after all. [Watson feels the henchman's pulse and lets him fall to the floor. Holmes & Watson shake hands]

The great detective, who has survived so much, can certainly shrug off a few special effects. ~ Roger Ebert

Downey's Holmes is at once more dissolute and more fit than previous incarnations. Holmes' canonical devotion to cocaine is here augmented by other drugs and a great deal of booze. Yet Holmes has the body of a lithe athlete, the skills of a gymnast and the pugilism of a world champion. He and Watson (who is, you recall, only a doctor, although one with clients who must be puzzled about his office hours) spring readily into action like Batman and Robin. … The Conan Doyle stories are still read, and probably always will be. Most readers get to at least a few. But among moviegoers on Christmas night (traditionally one of the busiest movie nights of the year), probably not so many. They will be unaware that this "Sherlock Holmes" is cheerfully revisionist. They will be entertained, and so was I. The great detective, who has survived so much, can certainly shrug off a few special effects.