'Day One' Blog

So many of my peers are experiencing the loss of their parents. I still have the gift of having both my mother and father here. My friends, without exception, remark that you cannot be prepared for the depth of the loss. You think you are, and you aren’t.

Each time I hear that someone has passed on, I’m reminded afresh, the invaluable gift that grief is. God invented it. He knows we need some forum for our pain to live and express, and spend itself. He knows the deep permanent grooves carved by those losses, and in His kindness, He provides for us.

I hope this re-post will encourage you if you are grieving. I hope it will give you fresh insight into those you are caring for in their grief.

These are thoughts not necessarily in sequence. Each paragraph is meant to make sense independent of the others, (fingers are crossed). I’ve written them down for someone I have the great honor of walking beside in their grief.

A man’s spirit will endure sickness,but a crushed spirit who can bear?~ Proverbs 18:14 ~

When someone has experienced significant trauma, there is no vein of life that is untouched by it. Normal life vanishes. Grief comes, entering the center of the person in pain, and a journey ensues, transitioning them from what was their ‘normal’ to whatever the ‘new normal’ will be.

Anyone who has truly experienced the process of grieving will tell you that while there are markers and stages of grief, each journey is unique, customized to the individual and their situation. The way I articulate it is: grief has a life of its own. No one but God gets to say when it’s over, and NO ONE but the one grieving has the right to say where they are in that process.

And when they saw him from a distance,they did not recognize him.And they raised their voices and wept,and they tore their robesand sprinkled dust on their heads toward heaven.And they sat with him on the groundseven days and seven nights,and no one spoke a word to him,for they saw that his suffering was very great.~ Job 2:12-13 ~

I believe God invented grief, offering it to us as an indispensable resource that helps us in our profound disorientation. It’s meant in part to serve us until we have our feet again, to the degree that we are able to find stability in our new orientation. In this way, grief is truly our friend.

Grief is a gift. It provides a forum for those deepest places within us to express and experience pain and loss. God meets a person there, entering the transition and guiding it. It’s interesting to think about the fact that God gives us this gift, then walks along side, like a caregiver administering whatever is needed for however long it is needed, so that you are never alone.

Whatever a persons general disposition, when they are in trauma, those pre-dispositions often present in a manner that appears disproportionate. For instance, a person who would consider themselves moderately high-strung, may find they are having panic attacks or dealing with extreme anxiety. A hug or a simple word of truth might have stabilized in the past. Something proportionate will be needed to assist post trauma. This reminder can be a great gift to your grieving friend, who may silently be wondering if they are loosing their mind.

For life altering trauma, the process of transitioning may take years. Grief will run its course during the transition but will never depart altogether. A person who has suffered deeply will never be the same, nor should they be. Our struggle as caregivers is to put down the temptation to persuade them to “get back to normal” or to “move on.” There is no such place, and it puts a terrible burden upon a suffering soul to imply there is. The marks of their wounds are worthy to be remembered, even if the remembering causes pain.

A person who has been immersed in the fire of suffering will never be who they once were. But the spectrum of emotions pushes out on both sides, so that while they have never felt such agony, they now have a capacity to feel joy that is proportionate to their pain. It is one of the truly redemptive aspects of experiencing sorrow. Many who have suffered will tell you they are grateful to have this capacity, perhaps even in light of the cost.

Weeping may tarry for the night,but joy comes with the morning.~ Psalm 30:5 ~

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3 Comments

thank you so much dear friend for once again putting your thoughts into such beautiful words, and reminding me that it is ok that I haven't found "normal" yet. I'm slowly realizing that where I am just might be the new normal and that it is ok if it is.

Precious Wanda - "normal" is maybe one of those tags we ought to lose all together. We are unique, every one of us. Our stories are unique. We are defined by God and shaped by our experiences. God uses all of it to build His character in to us. That's only because He has the ability to meet us right where we are, and bring His redemptive, reconstructive power to bear. I am sure God would have you embrace the reconstruction that comes on the heels of tragedies. To be who you WERE would seem not only impossible, but disrespectful in light of your loss.