Costa Coffee’s parent company Whitbread has been slammed by the residents of Chelmsford after scientists discovered that the River Chelmer is now 86% flat white.

In a further development, researchers from Anglia Farley Ruskin University also discovered that the River Can has dangerous levels of chocolate dusting residue.

A report that is due to be published today will state that the chain’s 134 branches within the city boundaries could be contributing to the problem.

Chelmsford Forgotten member Dave Rippedheart said, ‘It’s like that speech by Enoch Powell, but with him prophesising rivers of cortados.’

’This is why me and other local members of UKIP are forming a task force against this threat.’

’In future, we are demanding a points-based system for any new branches of Costa that want to open in the city.’

Sources in the Essex capital are confident that this latest development will push more and more Chelmsfordians to vote for Chexit in the upcoming referendum.

Hard-line politician Antonia Appletini of the pro-Chexit group Van Diemens Front said, ‘Chexit must mean Chexit, and I’m not just saying that because I took a blow to the head from a falling piece of the Army and Navy flyover.’

We use cookies (Not Maryland's) to ensure that we give you the best experience on our website. If you continue to use this site we will assume that you are happy with it. Because GDPR. Bet you are all glad you voted Leave now ...Ok