I have learned more about living through working with children than I have on my own. Every moment that I pause when I am with the kids that I nanny, or when I was in previous caregiver roles, I have discovered something new and refreshing about every moment of life. I can’t shake the wonder and amazement that children possess. It is something that is molded into their tiny little characters. They come into this world, with no true knowledge. And they drink everything up. They get intoxicated by the way that life unfolds.

I’m envious of such reckless abandon. There are days when I am not fully prepared for the hugs and the kisses that I am attacked with as the day progresses. I could be doing some menial task, when tiny legs break into full force and tackle me with sweet cutie kisses, and leave me a sticky mess–proof of love unfaltering.

We teach children to take these wild freedoms and shove them deep inside of themselves. Don’t be too trusting we warn. And so they soon learn to err on the side of caution. Rather than risk being too trusting, they trust no one at all. Don’t ask so many questions. On the days that there are questions that seem limitless, we callously and without hesitation tell them to stop. And then one day they ask no more questions, and become content with all that they know. They never ponder over great mysteries, or even small inconsistencies. They just accept everything at face value.

My heart aches to love with reckless abandon again. I want to run out and love people without condition. I want to accept people for who they are. I don’t want to spend time musing over the potential that I see in other people. I want to see them, and see straight to their hearts, and give them embraces and love that has no expectations. I want to love because my huge heart is so full of love, and it feels such a waste to treat my heart like some tremendous vault.

I find myself methodically trying to tether my heart to my mind. Let me take rational thought and filter all of my emotions through it–then I will be safe. But there is nothing safe with just tying my heart off to some post, and expecting it to experience things to the fullest extent. I am hindering myself from knowing life as beautiful and as full as it is, because I am afraid to ask why, I am afraid to trust.

I know that I can’t let my heart have authority over my mind. But I do believe that my thoughts and my feelings coexist, and both have equal validation. There are times when my feelings are wrong. I see something that I want, but I can’t possibly possess and then I lament something that never was. And that’s wrong, and my head knows the truth. I would much rather live a life with my head and heart taking one another into consideration, then tying my heart away like a dog on a leash.