I'm sexy. I'm a vampire. I dazzle people (frequently). I'm in love with the sexy Bella Swan (who is a human). Some people say I look a lot like Robert Pattinson, and others say I look more like Gaspard Ulliel. I like to think of myself as sexier than either of them could ever be. Sometimes I fuck werewolves.

Okay. *breathes deeply* We were going to go to school. This is what happened:

Esme: Hey, guys, shouldn't you be headed to school? You're going to be late.Me: We're waiting on Jasper.Jasper: MY HAIIIRRRRRRR. UGH. I NEVER SHOULD'VE GONE TO THAT STUPID HAIR SALON! LOOK AT IT! LOOK AT IT! I LOOK LIKE...LIKE...LIKE...Me: Like Beyonce with a bad weave?Jasper: UGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! I HATE THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Rosalie: Who did your hair, anyway?Jasper: Some lunatic named Catherine Hardwicke! Alice: I told you you should've let ME do it! But that's beside the point. I think you look fabulous, darling...Jasper: *mutters* Yeah, 'cause your hair looks REALLLL hot right now...Alice: WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?Jasper: I said you look real hot right now! Yummy yummy! You know I love me some psychic vampire booty!Alice: You think my hair looks bad? But...but...Catherine said it looked nice...Jasper: Baby, it looks fine. Fine like you! So fine! Mmmhmm. Edward, don't she be lookin' fine?Me: Um...Emmett: Fine. Okay. That works. It really doesn't matter, you guys. We all know that me and Rose are the looks of this family. Rosalie: Yeah, guys, you've always been tragically ugly. But that's okay. We love you for who you--Alice:What did you just call me, ho?Rosalie: I mean, seriously, it's not a big deal. Looks aren't everything.Alice: Oh, yeah? Well, then, I'll be honest with you, honey. You look like a tramp in that outfit.Rosalie: ...and?Alice: And...and...YOUR HAIR MAKES YOU LOOK LIKE A DRAG QUEEN. EVERYONE KNOWS YOU'RE A BOTTLE BLONDE! AND THAT SKIRT DOES MAKE YOUR BUTT LOOK FAT!Rosalie: OMGWTFBBQ YOU WHORE! *attacks Alice*Me: Uhm, guys. We're going to be late for--Emmett: Chick fight! Saweeeeeeeet.Jasper: Dude, stop looking at my WIFE!Me: GUYS. WE REALLY HAVE GOT TO GET TO SCHOOL. I HAVE TO PICK UP BELLA.Jasper: Yeah, well, she'll get over it. Right now, there's a blonde PSYCHOPATH beating up my wife!Emmett: Hey! Nobody calls MY wife a psychopath except for ME. And sometimes Carlisle.Me: OMG NO ONE CARES ABOUT--Jasper: Oh, that's right. There's a FAT blonde psychopath beating up my wife!Emmett: Ohnohedihnt! MY WIFE IS NOT FAT! YOU'RE JUST ANGRY 'CAUSE YOUR WIFE IS, LIKE, A MIDGET OR SOMETHING!Jasper: *attacks Emmett*Esme: Children, PLEASE...Me: STFU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! ANGERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BELLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA I'M SORRRRRRYYYYYYYYY THAT I'M LAAAAAAAAAAAATEEEEEE!Everyone: *stops fighting*Rosalie: ...so. How about we take the BMW this morning?Emmett: Sounds good, babe.Alice: I call shotgun!Jasper: Yeah, I changed my mind, Edward. We don't need you to drive us to school in the Volvo.Me: *twitch* AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

So THEN I was late to school because Bella made me drive the speed limit. AND I GOT A FUCKING DETENTION. WHAT. THE. HELL.