Tuesday, December 3, 2013

everything.

This week again has been a challenge. C has been having so many meltdowns and tantrums it takes everything in me not to just collapse out of sheer exhaustion and desperation. I know it is just a phase. I KNOW that (or I am just hoping it is at least...please tell me this is just a phase) but I literally COLLAPSE into bed every night and don't feel like doing anything. Really, how can a 30 lb almost 2 year old be THIS hard?? Ok but seriously she isn't that bad, its only tantrums and throwing herself dramatically on the floor, and refusing to eat anything other than chips that is driving me crazy. At least she doesn't hit, or kick or anything. I know I just need to take a breath and calm down, and I do. I give myself mommy time outs and it helps. I just have to stay consistent. Sorry if this is coming out as a jumble, or if it sounds like I hate my child. I really don't, I love her with all of my being, and it hurts sometimes how much I love her. I just never knew how HARD this parenthood thing would be. Hard in the best way possible because I could never ever imagine my life without her in it, but literally every day comes with brand new battles, a lesson in patience, and at the end of the day a lesson in love. The hubs sent me a video today while I was in class and it just about melted my heart. The hubs asked her what she wanted to say to me and she said "Umm love you Mama, love you TOO" ohhh my gosh the second she says that I just melt into a puddle.

I have just been thinking a lot recently about the people in my life, and about how as some people drift away, others make it clear they want to stay. I thanked crazy med school for treating me the same since having Char, and she said "Having C only made you better" it made me cry. That is the thing, I feel like a lot of people treat me different since C came along, but the thing is I AM different, different in the ways that make me a mom, but I have the same values, the same sense of who I am. I make it a point and try really extremely hard to balance everything in my life. The hubs, Char, myself, friends, school, work, and family. I think I am doing a good job... Honestly I am doing everything I can to make SURE I am there for everyone. At the same time, it isn't all up to me. At the end of the day I just need to realize I am doing the very best I can. And when that little girl looks up at me I know I am doing everything for her. That is enough for me.