Satanic Services

Sell Your Soul!

Due to the increasing number of iquiries we receive from people wanting to
sell their souls in exchange for worldly gain, we are now pleased to offer our
own official Faustian Bargain kit to help you get the best possible deal for
your Soul! Get started for Only
$199.99

Satanic Advice

Maybe you're not ready to fully commit to Satan,
but you'd like to hear a Satanic perspective on just what you should do in your
current situation. We get an unmanageable number of calls to our Satanic
Hotline asking for advice on all kinds of topics, and even with the Forces of
Darkness on our side, we're still only able to respond to the select few of
them that we personally find worth our time. So why not make your call
matter to us? Now you can! We're pleased to be able to offer
Genuine Satanic Advice for the unbelievably low rate of $66.66 per paragraph! Give it a
try! Let yourself be just a little wicked!

Indulgences

Perhaps you're just looking for permission to do a little more sinning that
you're used to. We're here to help! We sell indulgences for
the incredibly low price of only
$99.99 for EIGHT MORTAL SINS! That means you can commit all seven
deadly sins and still have one indulgence left over for a rainy
day! Supplies are limited, so ORDER NOW!

Mind Control!

No Satanic organization would be complete if it did not provide Mind Control
services. To get started, just pick up a few of our exclusive Mind
Control Tickets! It goes without saying that supplies are
extremely limited. A book of 30 tickets can be yours!

About Us

The Satanic Missionary Society was founded on February
14, 2012 to make the world a more Infernal place, and to cater to Satanists who
enjoy proselytizing. We are followers of Satan
devoted to sharing our message and way of Satan
with all people. We follow the Dark Lord by
embracing and living the Five Satanic Virtues. We are Selfish, Lazy, Insolent,
Lustful, and Vain. We are not elitist, and believe
anyone can learn to walk with Satan and live a
better life as a result. We see no conflict between sharing the hell-fire of
Satan, and living our Satanic Virtue of
Selfishness. Like any fire, it burns better and brighter as it spreads. We
enjoy corrupting those around us, and do not believe any follower of Satan should deny herself this pleasure on principle.

Walking with Satan

You can begin your walk with the Devil at any
time. Just look into your heart and listen to temptation. There is no outside
source of authority, no Satanic Holy Book you must follow. Satan is in
your heart, always there with you, a constant companion and friend.
All you have to do is listen. All you have to do is start doing what
you feel like doing. If you’re having trouble hearing the Devil’s voice within you, we suggest meditating on
the Five Satanic Virtues as a good place to start. Have faith
in Satan and he will come to you to tempt you.
Have faith in Satan, in your temptations, in
your carnal desires, and you will feel better almost immediately. Satan is there, just waiting for you to listen and
follow. Satan is you, what you want for
yourself.

Five Satanic Virtues

Selfishness

To be selfish is to ask “What’s in it for me?” Satan rejects sacrifice and martyrdom. The greater
good cannot be built on self-inflicted misery. Selfless sacrifice puts us all
under the pressing shadow of death. We reject sacrifice and promote
selfish indulgence.

Laziness

To be lazy is to refuse to do what isn’t working, to stop, to do nothing
until we have a better idea, to try something else. When we feel like doing
something, we will. If we work too hard, we won’t stop to notice an
easier way. We reject fruitless hard work.

Insolence

Insolence means not accepting things on authority, refusing to be humble and
degraded, refusing to grovel and show respect to superiors. We insist
on dignity and freedom.

Lustfulness

To be lustful is to embrace all the pleasures we can while we live, to follow
our desires and passions wherever they lead us. We run to the devil
that tempts us to ask for more.

Vanity

To be vain is to love and admire ourselves, to relish our own brilliance and
magic, to see in ourselves what is beautiful and attractive, to build and
nurture it. To be vain is to accept the forbidden fruit from the serpent in
the garden. To be vain is to want to know more. We proudly leave the
narcotic fog of delusion behind us.

Contact us

To find out more about following Satan, please
call or write us and one of our evangelists will be in touch.

Internet Contacts

Membership

Other Satanic organizations will charge you $200 for a membership card! But we don't charge anything at all if all you want to do is be a card-carrying Satanic Missionary! Just send a self-addressed stamped envelope! Details here:

The Satanic Priesthood

Maybe you've already joined us. Have you sold your soul to Satan yet? Yes?
Want to fully commit to our Wicked project? While other Satanic organizations
charge you $200 just to join, and offer their priesthood
by invitation only, our Unholy Priesthood is open to
anyone with a commitment to Wickedness and Depravity for its own sake!
We appreciate the value of your ill-gotten gains! Send us $200, and we'll send
you everything you need to become a full
Priest of the Unholy Order of Babylon! Please note, we're
not simply selling the Priesthood. To get the most out of this experience, you
must sell your soul to Satan
before ordering, and the rituals you'll perform to become a Satanic Priest take
about six months. (If you haven't sold your soul yet, that process
takes an additional four to six months.) So if you're ready to accept your
Unholy Orders, get started here: