A Simple Experiment to Change Your View of Words

Written byjoshua becker ·

“Most of the successful people I’ve known are the ones who do more listening than talking.” —Bernard M. Baruch

Long before becoming minimalist or embracing my love for writing, I attended a Graduate School in St. Paul, MN to major in Theological Studies. It was an intensive three-year program that focused on spiritual understanding and spiritual formation—I have since come to realize there is indeed a great difference between the two.

As part of an assignment for a personal development class, I was asked to refrain from speaking for 24 hours. “Pick any normal day,” the professor said, “and try not to say anything. That’s your assignment. We’ll talk about your experience when we return next week.”

The assignment was met with skepticism. But as I woke up on my selected day, within the first hour, I began to see the logic. By the end of the 24-hour period, my view of communication and the words we choose had changed forever. And I learned valuable truths about myself and my motivations.

It was, in fact, far more enlightening than I ever imagined.

As the professor outlined the assignment, he warned, “It’s very likely you will have to speak at some point during the day. It is difficult to make it through an entire day without communicating at all. But when you do have to speak, immediately go back to silence. Find space to dwell on the words you chose and the motivations behind them.”

This, then, became the greatest learning opportunity of the experiment. After speaking and returning to silence, my mind was left to dwell on the words I chose, my attitude in my speech, and my internal motivation behind it. Or when I didn’t speak, but really wanted to, I was forced to discover why I wanted to speak in each situation.

I quickly learned of my desire to control situations or convert someone to my opinion. Sometimes my words were motivated by love, but far more often than I’d like to admit, they were motivated by selfish pursuits, personal ambition, or a desire to impress others.

We often speak for the purpose of control: to control what people think of us or to make sure people do what we want done in the way we want it. We often use our words to cover-up or hide our mistakes or faults. We use words to explain ourselves to others. Hugh Prather may have been right when he said, “No matter what we talk about, we are talking about ourselves.”

Refusing to speak forces us to embrace silence. And in a world addicted to noise, idle chatter, and meaningless words, silence can be very uncomfortable. But there is great life to be found in solitude—if only we’d give it opportunity.

It was, indeed, a heart-revealing assignment that resulted in personal (and spiritual) development. Even 10 years later, I remember it well and I have recommended it countless times to others. Today, I recommend it to you.

To conduct a 24-hour experiment of your own, here are a few helpful tips:

1. Choose a “normal” day. For example, don’t choose a day you already planned to be alone in the woods or driving a car alone for 8 hours. Choose a day where you will engage in normal relationships with other people. Avoid excessive external stimulation: MP3 players, radio, television, video games. Provide space for your thoughts.

2. Inform your closest relationships. Tell your spouse and/or kids about your experiment. If appropriate, inform your co-workers. This will be helpful as the day unfolds—and a bit comical as they try really hard to get you to talk.

3. Don’t be rude. Don’t be unloving. Just decide not to speak unless you are spoken to.

4. Study the silence. Is it difficult? Uncomfortable? Do you feel an urge to talk just to break it? And if so, why?

5. Notice your urge to speak. They will be far more common than you expect. Investigate your intention when you feel the urge. For what reason did you feel compelled to speak?

6. When you do speak, choose words that are “few and full.” And then return to your discipline.

7. After you speak, journey inward. Wrestle with the words you chose. Why did you choose them? What were you hoping to accomplish? And what were your internal motivations in choosing the words you did?

8. If possible, choose a friend to do the experiment with you. You can send them this post for motivation and information. Afterwards, share your victories and your failures. Together, you’ll be able to process the day better.

Comments

For the past four years, I haven’t spoken anything but one or two “hello” and “good morning” (as well as a “thank you” at the cashier) on most of my days. There are some exceptions on most weeks, 90% of them related to either studies or work, albeit both do not strictly require oral conversation. There are also quite a few instances of written conversation, this one included. But I don’t think I have an “urge to speak”.

The point “After you speak, journey inward.” is very true but also dangerous. When you speak little, you may easily become obsessed with analysing every single word repeatedly. It also negatively impacts the ability to use informal language.

Thanks for the comment. I found the journey inward to be highly important to the exercise. But I was not advocating an all-out end to communication—just a 24 hour experiment. It is my hope (and experience) that the experience will foster even greater communication with others following the exercise.

What a powerful experiment, Joshua. Thank you for sharing it with us. I’ve had the chance to do long retreats from a few weeks to a few months with very limited periods allowed for communication. It’s also fascinating to see how your mind changes when you dwell in silence for longer periods as well. This is a worthy challenge!

Joshua, I recently decided I wanted to go on a retreat and looked for a silent retreat. My friends and family gave me so much flack on how I would never do it that I backed out and instead chose a ‘normal’ retreat.
I got a lot out of the discussions with my prayer guide and also the other women I shared a dormitory with, however, you have inspired me to follow my first instinct and experience a time of no talking.

Vivienne, silent retreats are an amazing experience. Focused, deliberate, cleansing, rejuvinating – I highly recommend them. However, I have been on silent retreats where many participants weren’t so silent, and others where they all were very observant. If possible, I recommend first asking previous attendees about their experience before making a choice. It really does make a grand difference, IMO, when everyone puts forth the effort to maintain the community silence. Abundant blessings!

Funny, I thought I would give my two cents worth, but I realise that I am just going to be a bit selfish by doing so. Anyway, recently I did a 10 day silent mediation retreat. It blew me away to see what the mind thinks about, it is difficult to put the experience in words. I came out with a different perspective than yours, and I think that could be because the the assignment had a different context. My assignment was to look within and to not think, but to grow awareness of the body. Our aim was to focus the mind, and the method included silence. While your aim and method was not to talk. It’s just interesting to note that you drew a conclusion that I had not thought about.

I have been reading motivational blogs for many years now and I always bump into the same challenges people are trying to overcome: no spending, no sugar, no TV – You name it. However, I think this is actually really valuable because it forces you to listen more to other people and to consider wisely what you speak about. I have tried numerous challenges ranging from no soft drink to an Ironman challenge and yet I haven’t seen such a challenge. Good job!

I really appreciate you sharing this and I want to give it a try within this weekend.

Just now, as a grand ma living on my own but looking every evening after 4 and 6 year old daughters , I can’t plan the experience. I am used to silent retreats and find them essential, but I must admit this experience is very challenging because it takes place on a normal day in your normal environment. I will try to experiment points 3-7 next week.
Thank you for sharing this incentive “way in”.

I was thinking the same thing. With a 4 year old and a baby to take care of all day, I don’t think not talking would work. The four year old has a lot to say and ask. But I do like the idea behind this. I will have to also try points 3-7 on a normal day. Maybe for a limited time I can try the silence… like for a few hours here and there.

Nicole and Anna, maybe actually try to think of some age-appropriate games/exercises for the children that teaches them practicing moments of silence and observation/restraint. My parents did this with me very young, and I can remember the challenges in it, but by the time I was 9 or so I was starting to be able to sit with my dad in meditations. Its good for kids and tots to be aware of such practices.

I tried a mini version of this just yesterday. My three year old wants to engage in constant conversation. Sometimes, I like just a few minutes of silence. I told her that she could keep talking but mommy was going to be quiet, just for a few minutes (and that I wasn’t angry, just tired of talking and needed a rest). She starting crying, hysterically. Lol, so….that was the end of that.

We play “the silent game” in our household. Particularly when in the car. In a confined space with three chilren 4,6 and 8, some days I feel my head is going to explode. So my friend (childless) introduced “the silent game”. I thought she was nuts and being childless had no clue, credentials or right to speak on such matters. Turns out she was onto something.

Now when the noise just gets to much I say “lets all play the silent game”. And sure enough the competitive nature of my children comes out. Basically whoever stays silent the longest wins. My 8yr old seems to go into a trance like state and always wins. Usually it last no more than 15min. But boy are those 15mins blissful. Lately the 4 and 6yr old have been asking to play when they find the noise and constant talking a bit too excessive. I love it!!!

Joshua, I stumbled across your website a few months back and now have taken to following your comments religiously. I live in a camp environment with 47 men and chatting is non stop. Last month I decided to give up all my possession (apt) and live with what will fit into a suitcase/knapsack. I love it…so few decisions to make. At 56 years old, I now strive for inner peace and serenity. My needs are met daily. Life if great and happiness has finally found it’s way into my heart. I am now going to take the 24 hr challenge of not speaking as I have a very bad habit of “filling” in the quiet places as they make me uncomfortable. I talk non stop…so now, I will learn to listen, hear and feel.

This is an awesome exercise. I live with my daughter and always seem to get into an argument with her and not sure why. I’ll have to try this and see what I’m doing to maybe bring this on. Thank you for sharing the challenge.

This literally popped up at the perfect time! I absolutely love this idea, and I am definitely going to do it. I get carried away with talking, especially to “fit in” the conversations everybody else are having, and to defend/justify myself. I have to be honest, sometimes I get sick of MYSELF talking. I dislike the need I have to defend/justify/explain/etc. I just want to go along knowing my truth in my mind, and not needing to say it out loud, and forget about what other people think of me. Their opinion of me is none of my business. No more approval-seeking and more self-trust!

I love solitude and silence. Thanks for the 24 hour challenge. I know those who take the time to be silent will benefit beyond words. And I love your revelation about the motivation of your words. I am going to be listening to mine today.

That’s a big challenge, and with two small children, I’m not sure how well that would work for a whole day. I do completely understand the logic of it, though, and I hope I remember to try this out sometime when they are a bit older!

I recently started a different type of silence. I am now totally silent when I work out. I realized that I always need to be chatting with someone or listening to music while working out. I claimed that it – especially the music – gave me the oompf to keep going. Then I decided to start working out in total silence. It was weird at first, but now my intense physical activity (I bike, run, lift weights, etc – pretty intense workouts) are coupled with a meditative time. That may seem impossible to couple, but it totally works. I just breathe, think, and be in the moment. I would definitely recommend this kind of moment of silence each day!

Was a bit disappointed in the post at first. A few hours later, though, I am no longer disappointed. I don’t come to this blog looking for this kind of post, but, I did decide there was a ‘minimalist’ value to it. I babble when I am nervous. I will make it an exercise to limit, minimize my babbling, making a conscious effort for quiet, calm conversation. More breaths, less babble. More listening, more depth of conversation. I may work my way over to the silent day, we shall see.

Silence can be the greatest teacher to anyone. It is hard to imagine that staying silent you learn something. The majority of people think that information is where the big noise is.

I practiced meditation and I can state a fact that, staying silent for 30 minutes to 2 hours is difficult. Being silent is when you treat your mind. Is when you realize how well you can control your thoughts. Less thoughts in your mind means prioritizing the important ones.

I want to share this on my blog. I have a reputation for non stop chatting… my nickname was ‘hav’achat.’ I remember vividly the first moment I managed to stop the chatter in my own mind. Thanks for sharing this inspiring idea.

Jeff: You’re absolutely right. UPS, hweveor, which is denying spousal benefits to civilly united same-sex couples in New Jersey, is granting spousal benefits to married same-sex couples in Massachusetts. DOMA aside, the word marriage prompts different behaviors from the words civil union. Of course any state that doesn’t recognize a legal union performed in another state, whether it’s marriage or civil union, is nonetheless in violation of the full faith and credit clause of the US Constitution.

Mini retreats like this are a wonderful idea. Thanks Joshua! As for myself, I think even 24 hours would be a tad too much for the first go. I’d probably start with something like a quarter day and then build from there!

I’ve actually got the opposite problem. I’ve always been a quiet person, intensely analyzing everything I say to make sure it was “okay” and what my words communicated to each listener. It’s not unusual for me to get the sarcastic comment, “I sure wish you wouldn’t talk so much,” and people often feel disconnected from me because I don’t easily share myself. But when I do open up, I’m purposeful about what, when, and why I share. I have to practice the flip side of this coin, giving people a chance to hear my thoughts even when those thoughts aren’t spectacular. Then I learn about the character of other people as I see how they handle the real me, and I generally learn that I’m much more loved and accepted than I ever would have given myself credit for.

I agree with the author here that evaluating your purposes in speaking will teach you so much about yourself, and a 24 hour silence experiment is useful for people who talk often already. Just wanted to point out there are people who may need to practice the other side…learning to take the risk of sharing ourselves with others more. When you open up and share authentic parts of yourself, and then evaluate others’ responses as a window into their hearts, it’s another great way to learn about and bond with others. The key is in being *authentic* with the things we say.

I totally agree with you becose this is exactly my case, i dont usully speak or be around people, i m quiet all the time and dont open my mouth unless others speak to me. I will be pleased to hear from the author that he is planning a little challenge,to be the opposite of this one, and i am sure it will help me and a lot of my fellow silent dudes as i read through comments, i dont know why but i felt that i rly want to give sme of my thoughts on this one.
And thank you all

More words come out of my mouth on any given day that anyone else on Earth. I have always made my living by non-stop talking. Acting, presenting, selling. Blah blah blah. When I am not working I am talking. My voice is permanently hoarse from overuse. I have actual damaged vocal chords, from nothing other than, yes, talking. I had a scope put down my nose to check for sure. Even my own mother told me, “Pippy, we are all able to say so many words in a lifetime, and you have said all yours.” My new husband loves my wit, and humor and my ability to barge into a conversation, take it over, and make it all about me, or a subject that just might enjoy more, everyone laughing, not realizing what has just happened. But not everyone thinks that I am so charming. I am so brilliant that sometimes I stop in the middle of a clever story, laugh out loud and tell everyone listening that I must be a genius to have thought of something so extraordinary. Nasa should hire me to work for their think tank, I am full of such great ideas! I am not trying to be conceded. I just want everyone to realize what I am saying is special and unique. I am actually very enjoyable, most of the time. But I know I get old. One morning, my voice would not work at all. Barely a squeak came out. I was at a big weekend event with hundreds of my friends, and I had talked the night away. My dear friend, a healer, told me to take a break from talking. I decided to take a vow of silence. For four whole hours. In these four hours I learned more than I ever have about myself. I was DYING to speak, constantly. I would walk away and think about what I wanted to say, and realized that it did not need to be said. Most of it was rubbish. As my friends woke up, and passed me and said good morning, I smiled, hugged them, patted them, kissed them and sighed, never saying a word. Enjoying the beautiful morning, the birds, the trees, noticing my friends, seemingly for the first time. Taking it all in. This was one of the loveliest mornings of my life. Since then I have used this story in many conversations about myself, however, this article reminds me that maybe I should try this again sometime. I know my friends would not mind. Neither would my Mother

Today I started this experiment at 6.30 a.m. but unfortunately by 4 p.m. I had to stop (my husband and I received a very important news by the phone and had to talk about it in detail). Still, this experiment had been the most interesting I ever tried; have been thoroughly enjoyable and it revealed things about myself that were very useful to know of. Yes, you were right – family members will try to get you to talk but laughing was acceptable, great fun!

Great thoughts! When greeting someone as you pass them, it is so easy to say ‘Hi, How are you?’ – without stopping to find out how they actually are. Best to just say ‘Hi’ with a smile, if you can’t really stop to chat and listen. Think about what you say :)

I would like people to take note how many times during they use the words “you always” and “you never”. That and almost anything that starts with you, (you always over think everything) (you worry too much) you just need to care more, etc. those will shut down my feeling safe to talk to you instantly. Be patient and kind. Show love and respect and offer time to listen and listen some more. Don’t tell us what we’re doing all wrong, how we ended up in this boat, how to fix it and don’t lecture us. Just
Iisten. With your ears and your eyes . Feel what we feel. Damn it hurts.

When I was in college and taking an education course on special students, we were challenged to cover our eyes and go around campus for 24 hours without being able to see. It is equally insightful–and you learn to listen a bit better for a while.

I work for the public and often wish I could have a mute button for them. It is surprising how many people have no filters. I have purposely used silence as a mental therapy for myself, and find this positive relief as I age. Could we also have a mute button for whiners and complainers? Surely we can think up some technical advancement for this.

A friend who is older and unpartnered spent three weeks in hospital after major, major surgery. He asked me to sit with him to deflect company, interact with staff, and keep him company. He said he’d picked me because I could sit quietly. He was very sick. I was amazed at how often I wanted to start a conversation and had to quiet myself. I knit six pair of socks those three weeks as I sat and prayed for him.