Wearing a bib in public past the age of three will never be socially acceptable, but don’t tell that to DressTiez.

The online retailer with a dubious understanding of reality is selling three different styles of adult bibs. According to DressTiez, they are “beautiful, fashionable, and whimsical.” Prices start at $29.99, and you have to shell out extra for the “Designer” style or the “Special” series. With each purchase, the company includes a pouch to stuff the food-smeared cloth back into once a meal is finished.

You can buy an adult bib that says “Happy Birthday!” on it, presumably to wear while attending birthday parties. There’s also a “Happy Anniversary!” bib but I refuse to believe anyone has purchased it and remained in a marriage.

Appearing in public with a large cloth you went through the trouble of ordering online specifically to protect your clothes from rogue mustard suggests that your spilling is chronic rather than sporadic. It suggests that you’re a full-on slob instead of a normal person who just messed up. And you know the saying: “spill on yourself once, shame on you. Buy yourself an adult bib, shame on you, me, DressTiez, and all of humanity.”

Here’s the entire DressTiez pitch, in case you’re still intrigued by the idea of spending your money on a humiliating bib instead of chewing your food with slightly more caution:

I grew up having to tuck a paper napkin in my shirt collar during meals. The paper napkin bib works pretty good for preventing shirt stains. I have three boys and I have instituted the same rule for them. I save a lot of time and money by preventing their clothing from spaghetti sauce, gravy, and ketchup stains.

I think its a great idea! I want to look my best all the time - while at a business lunch, these would look much better than throwing a plain old napkin onto my shirt. Its also a great conversation piece to start the lunch on a positive note!