Today I want to talk about where I am currently. I started this particular journey with three lovers. After one was disrespectful things began to change for me.

I set up the dynamics and though I wasn’t surprised to get exactly what I asked for, after a couple of months my interest has waned. I asked for, and got no emotional attachments and experiences only. I have found this comes in several flavors. I had one lover that was clear it was only about sex. I no longer see him. I had another that was clear that sex was important but friendship and spending time together was also important. We remain friends. And the third, the male half of “my couple” is clear that it’s about sex but he’s extremely respectful in every way. From the way he talks to me, to the way he treats me to the way he interacts with me around other people.

And yet I started to feel used by the remaining two. Not that there’s anything wrong with that at all. I was doing plenty of using too but the amount of male-ness became overwhelming. I couldn’t be with one guy in the morning and a different one at night. I did that plenty a few years ago but this time it quickly stopped being fun. I told them both that I was taking a break for December and that my you know what was closed. They have both been understanding and supportive.

In the meantime and the reason I haven’t written in a few weeks is that I had a dark night of the soul, an existential crises. I wanted more than sex and purely sexual experiences. I took a few weeks off and spent a lot of time alone. I journaled, gathered my thoughts and then spent time talking to non-judgmental friends that I trust. Last week I finally started to feel like myself again and around that time, I reached out to an ex.

Ten years ago I had an amazing relationship. We spent six to seven years together, off and on. He stretched my limits and transformed my mind. I realize now that he affected me far more than I affected him and that’s okay. This person was in the kinky lifestyle and it was my first experience. Part of me loved it. But the significance wasn’t that. The significance was that this guy was the nicest person I’d ever been with. Kind, respectful, non-judgmental, beautiful inside and out. And he's so much fun!

When our relationship ended I asked him not to contact me again and he respected my wishes and never did. Not once. But I never forgot our time together and always considered our story “unfinished”. A few years ago I wrote a book about our story, but I never published it.

I spent the last ten years jumping in and out of BDSM, D/s, kink, the kink community, non-monogamy, and polyamory.

A recent set of experiences caused me reach out to this person. I'm not entirely sure what my original intention was but I never stopped thinking about him (fondly) and I wanted to reconnect. To my delight, he responded, telling me he had ended a long term relationship, close to a year ago. I asked to see him, wanting to see if we were still attracted to each other. I am trying not to have an agenda. This man could just be an incredible friend, we always got along so well. I already know how good of a lover he is...

Since the original time of this writing, we have met and decided to continue our story by starting a new chapter. It’s far too early to tell much of anything but we’re giving it a few months to see what will come of it.

But don't worry, you’ll still get regular releases about the orgies and sexy parties I have attended. I may be taking a break for the holidays but my exploration is far from over.

Author

This is the Journey of Rain Star - Chloe's alter ego who is on a mission to experience the sensual pleasures of life. Stay tuned for an episode a week and come live vicariously through Rain and her sexploits.