Fear & Loading: Official State Gun Suggestions

Now that Tennessee has named the Barrett Model 82/M107 its official state rifle, other states should be taking their shot. Although some anti-gun politicians may be reluctant, there’s still a way to avoid angst by going with an option that reflects the region, its history or even traditions. With that in mind, I humbly offer a few suggestions.

Idaho—Potato gun: It’s a gun-friendly state, but who doesn’t love ballistic spuds? It’s the snack food of all projectiles. (Spud gun image courtesy Zephyris at the English language Wikipedia).

New Mexico—Soldering gun, because it’s also a dry heat.

Washington—Squirt gun, at least until Seattle taxes kids out of poolside ammo, too.

New Jersey—Smart gun, because state legislators claim to be more intelligent than their constituents and never work.

California—Shogun, watch reruns on Netflix, please, we need the cash.

Massachusetts—Glue gun, because we don’t like firearms and we’re sticking to it.

West Virginia—Hall rifle, the first American breech loader and sort of a half-breed muzzleloader, because there’s no reason to go all in with this newfangled center-fire cartridge fad.

Pennsylvania—Longrifle, also known at the Kentucky rifle or Pennsylvania rifle, which launched the Red Coat tradition of screaming “run away” in 1776 that would later be popularized in Monte Python’s movie “Holy Grail.”

Indiana—Grouseland rifle, because it sounds like a place where bird hunters flock.

Utah—1911 handgun, because John Moses Browning lived in Ogden and, more importantly, the state called “dibs.”