Thursday, August 12, 2010

1. I have never been in a dating relationship. Meaning I have never had a boyfriend or girlfriend, although it's not because I don't want to be in one. I just never have been approached. I'm also 20 and a virgin.

2. I think about sex a lot. And when I say a lot, I mean it is culturally indecent for a woman to think about sex as much as I do. I could probably beat out the boys with my sexual fantasies.

3. I have been masturbating since at least age 4. I took a brief hiatus in my overly Christian tween years. When I was little, I imagined that my vagina was in a waiting room for the doctor, and when I was close to climaxing, that the doctor or nurse was giving me a shot. I've recently picked it back up since my guilt mechanism has broken. Sometimes I need to change underwear multiple times when I'm masturbating because I discharge so much liquid.

4. I've always been a tomboy and everything in my life has been pointing to the fate of lesbianism, but until recently, I never came to terms with that fate. I think it's quite hot now.

5. I want a girlfriend so bad. Not necessarily to have sex all the time, but I just want to be near someone. Hold someone. Kiss someone. Speak tenderly to or say hot nasty things to. I want to breath heavily on her hip bones while giving her tender kisses that increasingly make their way down to her danger zone. I want someone to breath on my neck, and lick my ears. I want to take her pubic hair in my mouth and tug it. I want to lick from her mouth down to her pussy. I want to feel the warmth of our two bodies as we're intertwined.

6. I've never had any type of sex, but I think I'd be rather good at oral sex. I've had lots of practice on my popsicles and ice cream cones. And according to my popsicles I would be a champion at deep throating: no gag reflex.

7. I have recently started watching porn, usually when really horny, high, or super drunk. You'd think lesbian porn turns me on, but two guys going at it really gets me hot and bothered. There's something about two masculine men sucking on each others' cocks and fondling their balls that gets me riled up. I don't watch it often, usually because I feel ashamed after I masturbate to someone's incredible cum shot.

8. I've only had 2 sex dreams in my life, and one of them included Lady Gaga eating me out. Needless to say, I win.

9. I am attracted to manly, burly men with facial hair, and feminine, beautiful women. My sexuality switches on a monthly or even weekly basis. I guess that would make me bisexual.

10. When I am in the mood for men, I only fantasize about oral sex. I could give men blow jobs like it was my charity. If I could, I think I would show my male friends my appreciation for them by giving them a wet and thorough blow job. Not because I'm attracted to them all or want to have sex with them, I just think it would be the best sign of friendship. I don't think I could ever get sexually attached to a man.

11. Strap-ons and vibrators freak me out. I don't think I'd ever use them because they seem overly barbaric and I associate them with dirty and shameful connotations. I would rather go the au naturale route of penetration, fellatio, cunniligus, or using my hands. But, like I said, I'm a virgin, this all could change very quickly.

12. If I read graphic novels or even how-to's on sex or anything of the sort, I get so wet. I think hearing about sex and how to do it turns me on more than seeing it. I have a huge problem with fantasizing about sex. It gets in the way.

13. My parents never had an official sex talk with my siblings or me. My mom's idea of blackmail would to ask, "do you know what that means?!" I doubt my parents have had sex since I was born. They would be incredibly disturbed by all of my sexual habits and knowledge of such things, because they are staunch conservatives. I would completely shock them with my pseudo-porn addiction and masturbating madness.

14. I've recently found out that I'm a squirter.

15. When I am close to climaxing, my eyes squeeze shut and I automatically open my mouth in the "O" face. I've always had roommates, so I can't be very vocal when I climax, but I don't think I'd ever be a screamer. I like quiet and fast sex.

16. I have an obsession with drag queens. I think I would rather date men playing women than actually date the men without make-up.

17. It doesn't matter who breathes on my neck: good friends, or potential crushes, men, women, you name it, I get turned on. One of my closest friends sat on my lap one time, and breathed on my neck slowly and tenderly, and I almost orgasmed then and there.

18. I have this continuing fantasy that a real lipstick lesbian would crawl into my lap and straddle me while I undressed her. Then I would pull her close and give her passionate french kisses. I would kiss her breasts, and play with her nipples in my mouth. Then I would flip her over, and straddle her on her back. Sex to follow.

19. Like I said, fantasy is huge for me, and I keep praying that I will have a celebrity sex session. I'd like to see Charlize Theron and Eva Mendez go at it for a while before I joined them. I'm pretty sure I could win them over in real life.

20. I have never been confident in my flirting, and I lack a lot of confidence because I don't want people to see me as a fat lesbian girl. I'm not fit, but I am athletic. I constantly feel as though I need to lose a ton of weight before persuing a relationship. I've got to get over it.

21. I love feeling skin against my skin. If I give someone a hug and I can feel the warmth of their chest skin on mine, I secretly hold the hug a little longer. I think that is a huge sign of an intimate need to be so close to someone.

22. If I were to have sex with a man, I'd want it to be aggressive and fast. If I had sex with a woman, I'd want it to be tender and slow.

23. I'd rather wear the pants in the relationship than leave it up to someone else. I like to make the first moves.

24. If I were a man, I would have an erection all the time.

25. I can stimulate my clitoris without touching it. I'm one of the lucky few.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

1. I’m 18, I’ve never even been kissed and I’m terrified one of my friends might read this.

2. Although I have never been kissed, I have had an active imagination about sex as long as I can remember. Half the reason I’ve never actually pursued a boyfriend is because I’m afraid that I might end up a sex addict and ruin my life.3. I’ve been masturbating since… age 5? I just remember putting a book in between my legs till I felt the “pressure” release. I remember once I found a children’s toy that vibrated and put it in between my legs and it was wonderful, but I don’t have a vibrator.

4. I have NEVER put anything inside me. Not a tampon or my fingers. The thought really scares me, but at the same time I constantly fantasize about sex.

5. For a very long time, and kind of still today, I have worried that I was a lesbian. I’ve never gotten “butterflies” about a girl like have about a boy, but when I imagine sex I always focus on the girl instead of the boy. And I’m worried that the way I masturbate is like (and I know this sounds silly) the way lesbians have sex. 'Cause I’m still not really sure what happens there. I’ve also been playing softball for 11 years and constantly get hit on by girls. Guys always consider me “one of the guys” because the way I talk is very…. “Midwestern surfer?” I guess. I use slang constantly, saying “man” and “dude,” etc. I’ve tried to change, but I feel as though men would rather have a friend that they also love and sleep with, not some prissy little girl.

6. What really makes me “hot” (which I hate saying. That and “daddy.” Sick) is older men. Not too much older, but like 30-40. I’ve really only had major crushes on teachers, and right now, I flirt constantly with an umpire, who is known for being a little too “friendly” with the players. For some reason the whole “Lolita” scenario really turns me on.

7. The only sexual experience I’ve had was at a party at a house where my friend was house-sitting, over a year ago. It was the first time smoking a hookah, which was really fun and gave me a heavy, heavy buzz. My friend brought over one of her childhood friends, and he was very much the flirt. I remember her and him practically making out while sharing the hookah smoke. The friend, the guy and I all went upstairs because we were having a good conversation while everyone else went to sleep. I told the guy that I was a complete virgin, never even held hands before. So, he somehow got me to cuddle him and was holding hands with me and rubbing me all over, while my other friend was in the bed (I still don’t know if she was asleep). He eventually made his way to my breast and slipped his hand under my bra. He tried to unhook my bra but couldn’t, and was kissing me everywhere but the lips. I eventually began to feel guilty, and sat up cross-legged with a blanket over my lap. My friend had eventually sat up/woken up and started talking and while I was talking to her, he slipped his hand under my skirt. I nearly exploded. I hadn’t even touched myself that way at the time, and while he was not fingering me, I still was very fast to the point of climax, although I didn’t come. He eventually tried to slip his hand under my underwear, but I stopped him. I didn’t want to be fingered before I was kissed. I eventually undressed in front of him while the friend was gone to get him going, but then left for an audition.

8. He was a ginger, and from then on, gingers have somehow terrified and disgusted me.

9. I think I might masturbate more then the average woman. It’s often once every night, sometimes more, even though when I was away at school I went a month without doing it.

10. When I say “the only sexual experience” for number 7, I guess it would have to be the only one without childhood innocence, and the first with a boy. When I was younger, my best friend and I would pretend that we were dating and that I was the boyfriend and she was the girlfriend. Then we had to go “do it” and go under the covers and lay next to each other. Now I can’t remember if we touched or anything, but I just remember being really embarrassed about it and she told someone on the playground a couple years later and I completely denied it.

11. Another childhood “experience” is one that I am EXTREMELY embarrassed about and I haven’t talked about it in over 7 years. And I’m afraid this sounds disgusting and like incest. My sister and I were playing and pretending that, once again, I was the boyfriend and she was the girlfriend. We climbed in the top bunk to “do it” and began humping each other’s legs. I remember really getting into the “part” of being the “secret boyfriend” and pretending to hear “mom coming” and stopping to do dialogue with the “mom”. I’m so scared that this is completely abnormal and disgusting and my sister and I have never talked about it.

12. I’ve always had this overwhelming paranoia that my best friend and sister think I’m a lesbian because of these two past experiences.

13. When my sister first started having sex, I found each one of her “signs.” A vibrator, morning after pills, and a pregnancy test. I remember confronting her about the pregnancy test and how I was terrified that she was having unprotected sex. We both cried our eyes out and she thinks that we “bonded” but I wish I didn’t know.

14. I was never very close with my siblings, and I don’t really want to be. Talking about sex or relationships with anyone, including my friends, is very unnerving for me and I hate every minute of it. I never want to know about my brother or sister’s sex life, and the thought sickens me.

15. I’ve never had a legit boyfriend, whereas my sister has had three very serious relationships (two with shitty people, one where it still lasts today) and a straggle of other boys. I’ve always been jealous and constantly “flirt” with her boyfriends, but I guess the way I flirt is wrong, because all of her boyfriends have thought of me as the “tough younger sister”.

16. I love porn. Like a lot. Cartoon porn is the easiest for me to get off from, but I always giggle at the dialogue, and prefer to see real couples doing it.

17. I also write a lot of short “romance” stories. I’ve always assume that if I ever need work, I can just put together a short romance novel and then reap the benefits.

18. Once, at a preteen age, I wrote like 4 different sexual scenarios on the family computer because I didn’t have a laptop. They involved me with a boy in my math class, Simon Cowell, Lewis Black and I think Keith Moon. They were very descriptive, included positions where we would have sex (in the ceiling of my math class with one) and a storyline of the relationship and how it would end. I thought they were completely secret until months later, at a Thai food restaurant, in front of my entire family and best friend, my dad made a reference to a line I had written (something along the lines of the ceiling tiles crashing down, disturbing the class lecture). I was mortified. No one really understood, but I thought they all knew and I nearly broke down with shame. My dad told me that he thought I was a good writer later on in private, but I couldn’t look at him or Simon Cowell for a good three weeks.

19. Since I am eighteen and never have had a boyfriend, I often think that I am undesirable, or ugly. I have been told wrong, but it still is a lingering thought. “If you really think I am beautiful, why don’t other guys?” or “Well thank you for the compliment, but men don’t seem to think so” are constant thoughts. I even have had random breakdowns in bed or on a bus because I’m scared that I’m going to be alone forever.

20. Whenever I imagine my future life, I always see myself playing with a child, but no husband or partner. I wonder if that is a sign. And with the profession I have chosen to pursue, I can’t really have children without a partner. Is that my subconscious telling me that I will be alone? Or that I have chosen the wrong path?

21. Older men do find me attractive, I suppose. Since I was young I have been hit on by older men, only to be shocked when told my real age. Once at a wedding, a man offered me a drink if I danced with him. I said yes, and he asked me what I wanted, I told him a coke, and he ordered a rum and coke. I told I couldn’t drink that because I was underage. He said “oh, are you like 20?” I was 12. He couldn’t even look at me for the rest of the night.

22. One of my dad’s closest friends is 20 years younger then my dad, and I’ve always found him very attractive. He once told me that if I was his age, he would have married me instead of his wife. He was drunk at the time and no one else heard him, but I was really excited by this thought. Ever since I turned eighteen, I have heavily flirted with him, and other older men that I know, whether through Facebook or when I interact with them.

23. One constant with my fantasies is that they are always in public. Whether it’s a classroom with a locked door during passing time, or in a cottage with a party raging on outside. I wonder if this means that I need to get off in public…

24. I always wondered what my fantasy partners would think if they knew I fantasize about them. I hope that some of them would be happy or flattered, but I know that some may be horrified.

25. I feel embarrassed about writing this, and I hope it wasn’t boring compared to the other stories. I have a limited amount of experience, so there isn’t much to write about.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

1. I tell people I'm a bisexual switch. I like girls, I like boys. I can top and I can be submissive. I think when they're talking about sexuality being fluid, they talk about me.

2. I'm also somewhat asexual (biromantic?), though I don't know if that's a correct label for it. I get turned on, I like kissing, I like being on a receiving end of gestures of affection. I just don't want to have sex.

3. When I'm in a relationship, I have sex, because I know the other person enjoys it. For me, it's like watching a game I have no interest in, because my partner enjoys it. I don't mind doing it, I just get very little out of it.

4. I've never told any of my partners I don't enjoy sex. I'm afraid they would think it means I"m broken or that I've been abused as a child or that all the times we had sex it wasn't completely consensual.

5. When I start having sex with a new partner, I top to learn all their responses, the sounds they make. And then I compare it with my own detachment.

6. I developed an interest in the BDSM community, because their lifestyle, while sexual, doesn't have to contain actual sex.

7. I'm considering a poly relationship with two primary partners, so I could get all my emotional needs met while they would have sex with each other, rarely involving me.

8. I don't understand the point of anal sex. It's the only thing I always say no to. It just seems stupid.

9. I do sometimes wonder if I'm missing out by not wanting to have sex.

10. When I top in a BDSM scene I rarely include intercourse, unless the bottom asks for it specifically.

11. When I act as the submissive, I tell all my tops that I'm into this for the power play and not actual sex and I ask them to not include intercourse, unless they feel the scene really calls for it.

12. When I really enjoy a scene and the dom moves in for sex, I sometimes safeword so that the good experience isn't spoiled with "meh, whatever."

13. People orgasm when having sex, or when they masturbate. I hear it's an amazing experience. It's more of a fairy tale for me, or an urban legend.

14. I watch porn like any other movie genre.

15. I like using handcuffs. They allow me to limit the other person's involvement.

16. I lost my virginity at 19. It seemed like a thing to do at a time.

17. I lost it to a girl.

18. I don't like to discuss people's sexuality and I don't consider their sexuality to have any influence on their personality.

19. Mostly because I don't want them to define me using my sexuality.

20. Just like I've never told my romantic partners about my approach to sex, I've never shared it with friends or family.

21. I've never reached out to people who identify as asexual because I'm afraid that if they perceive sex and sexuality differently it would mean there's something wrong with me.

22. I'm a strong advocate for bisexuality and the visibility of bisexuals. I feel like they are misunderstood by both straights and gays. I think that mainstream doesn't trully grasp the idea that a bisexual woman is still bisexual when she dates a man, and a bisexual man is still bisexual if he dates a girl. I consider it harmful if a bisexual woman is called a lesbian, just because she's dating a girl (or being called straight just because she's with a man). I feel it somehow invalidates all her previous relationships with men, making them less meaningful.

23. I'm so passionate about recognition of bisexuality, because I feel that once the mainstream fully understands and starts recognizing bisexuality, it'll be a step closer for people to understand asexuality.

24. I decided to submit my 25 things here because everybody here is so sex-positive and open about what they like and how they like it. I'd like to think at least some of them would be understanding and supportive of my different view on the subject.

25. And just to make it clear: I was not abused as a child, I didn't have any negative sexual encounters, I wasn't raped or sexually assaulted. I enjoy intimacy, I like to make my partners happy, even if I don't get any satisfaction from it. It's just the way I'm wired.