Thursday, 30 July 2015

The ideology of Scatology

I recall one day when I came out
of the toilet after releasing a major payload and my son barged into the
quarantined zone, protesting, "Dad, stink!" I smirked at him and
murmured, "Well, the only unpretentious thing about us is what comes out
from there."

That was some time ago, and while
visiting Scotland, Edinburgh Castle yesterday, a conversation between my
mother-in-law and my wife triggered that memory. We were visiting one of the
royal rooms of the birth of King James IV and Queen Mary where giant portraits
of past royalties were hung. There is certainly a huge (quite irreconcilable)
gap between how the privileged and the commoners lived during that time (and
even today). In passing, my mother-in-law made this remark: "Wow, aren't
they just like us? Normal people?" And my wife replied: "Yes, they
also wear pants, eat and go toilet right?"

I thought about what she'd said
and my earlier musing, that is, the toilet and that unpretentious bit and
something within me started bubbling...

I guess what really makes us
equal is that none of us is exempt from processing and discharging waste. You
can't get any more democratic than that. No doubt I am talking about shit here
and it is disgusting to say the least. However, I have a point and I ask for
your forbearance.

Essentially, what I have to say
is merely metaphorical of what we do everyday in the toilet. The MO has not
changed since time immemorial. No one can thus claim ignorance or unfamiliarity
about it. I am not writing here for effect. I have thought about it long enough
and the thought of our toilet habit actually imparts a lesson (even if it is a
squirming one).

If I can take you by the hand and
lead you to this symbolic world of taking a dump, you will find that you are no
different from me. The act remains the same whether you are a Chinese, an
Indian, an American, a Rabbi, the President or the Queen of England.

The rich may do it in the comfort
of their mansion but they do it the same way the homeless does it. Royalty may
do it while reading a book and sipping a spot of tea but the act is neither
different nor grander than a commoner squatting in the corner of a harvest
field under God's watchful eye. And the dictator of an impoverished state may
do it while ordering the extermination of rebels but the mode of discharging
differs not from those at the receiving end of his tyranny. We all shit and it
all comes out the same way from the same and only exit we have come to know
since we were born.

I recall a famous conversation
that goes like this:-

F. Scott Fitzgerald: "The
rich are different from us." Ernest Hemingway: "Yes, they have more
money."

Truly. Other than that, we are
all alike and the plainest and the most indispensable act of shitting equalizes
us all. That's my point.

Although the payload may vary in
size, form and color, it still bears repeating that there's no difference
whether you are a military general or a foot soldier, a billionaire or a
mine-worker, a Nobel Laureate or a student.

Even more to the point is that
stripped of all wealth, power, fame, beauty, pomp, glory and credentials, when
it comes to doing our toilet business, we cannot get any more unpretentious
than that. That is where we all stand on common ground.

So, we need to remind ourselves
more about it when we are tempted to discriminate against color, creed, race,
language and religion. For the humility of our most compromised position ought
to join us together and not shy/tease us apart. And if we stand tallest when we
are on our knees, then we stand together - equal - when we are on the seat.

Let me end with this thought. I
can imagine the wealthiest man in the world or the most beautiful face you have
ever seen or the most elaborate royalty converging together in the most
democratic of places and that is the unassuming toilet bowl. Every beauty,
wealth and greatness will have to sit in earnest on the receiving end of their
waste discharge.

And kings and queens may squirm
about the indignity of associating with a commoner or bemoan the squalidness of
a destitute’s home but he or she - notwithstanding the pomp and ornaments -
will have to submit to that familiar pull in the stomach, that squeeze in the
bowel, and that urge to visit the toilet.

For me, the call of nature is the
call for us to always remember that we are human first, joined together in a
shared bond, from a common origin, and advancing towards a certain end, and the
accouterment of what society calls wealth, fame and status that we put on for
public showcasing should never be that which define or divide us. That is what
the philosophy of shit means to me. And by extension, that is also the most
unpretentious (and authentic) part about us. Cheerz.