Confessions Of A London Investment Banker: 'Every Day You're Closer To Getting Fired'

The author of theibanker.comleft his investment bank to
run his own business. We met for a coffee plus some healthy
breakfast in South Kensington. He is a confident man in his early
30s.

"Some of my most vivid memories have to do with layoffs. You can
be fired and literally out of the door in less than five minutes.
Even worse: they just block your security pass. Some mornings I'd
walk up to the turnstile thinking, this could be it. My pass
won't work and the security guard will tell me that somebody will
send my stuff by post. My pass did fail several times, but in
each instance because it was old or damaged.

"With the big redundancies the bank is required to announce that
it'll be curtains for some. At least you expect it. One
redundancy round went like this: a senior banker would call his
PA and ask her to walk over to the victim and have them pick up a
particular line on their phone. Then the victim was asked to
quietly collect their personal items – the rest would be sent by
post – and come up to a particular room. So we would sit there,
and hear the PA's phone ring. One time I collected my things
beforehand, just in case, because I had had a really bad argument
with my line manager a few weeks prior. That time the PA headed
straight for me. I started getting up when she put her hand on my
shoulder: 'You're cool.' Part of me was hoping it would be me. As
if I needed someone else to unchain me.

"I saw many people cry. One time, a very popular guy on our team
was let go. It took everyone by surprise because this dude was
not only very nice, professional and dedicated but he actually
made a lot of money for the team. His eyes welled up and I'm sure
he broke out in tears when he left the floor. Moments after his
departure, his desk was cleared and the head of our team got up
to say something to the effect: "He was a great guy but business
is business and let's get back to work and make some money." So a
guy you've spent X number of years sitting next to for most of
your days since joining suddenly disappears and that's it … back
to business. New faces spring up all the time. I'd think someone
a few seats away was on holiday but then a new face would take
his or her seat and role soon after. At first it's a bit weird.
My boss used to say: "Every day you're getting closer to getting
fired."

"After being made redundant it's easier for junior bankers to
bounce back. I launched a few businesses after banking and the
skills gained earlier came in very handy.

For senior guys it's different. They're trying to squeeze into a
pyramid where there are very few spots. Plus, they have become
hardwired in a particular way. I remember one global head who
mentioned he was thinking of launching a start-up with a friend
or two and would 'get their hands a little dirty'. I remember
laughing inside. He couldn't function a minute without his PA
there to carry his papers, hand him a tissue when he had food
stuck to his lips, pay his children's school fees and buy a
birthday gift for his wife.

"I worked in the bank throughout the recent crisis. Fear of
losing one's job was rampant. You had to work even harder and
with a bigger smile on your face. It's insane because even under
normal conditions you could be clocking in 100-plus hours per
week. Often I'd suddenly get up out of bed an hour or more early.
Adrenaline. I dreamt about Excel files and PowerPoint. Freud's
notion that dreams express some kind of sexual desire can go
straight to the bin.

"You'd have cockfights about who sacrificed most. This Italian
chap had just been fired. He was generously given a few weeks to
hang out and try to find a role in another division. So I see him
confront a managing director. At one point he tells the MD he was
so dedicated to the job he even missed his grandmother's funeral
to work on a deal. The MD quickly retorts: 'I missed my
father-in-law's funeral!'

'Somebody gets treated like shit all day by his line manager,
we'd go for a drink and he'd still speak very fondly of him.'

"There is something of the Stockholm syndrome, where juniors end up identifying with
the people giving them hell. Somebody gets treated like shit all
day by his line manager, we'd go for a drink and he'd still speak
very fondly of him. You'd get shat upon for days by your line
manager, then one day he'd say something halfway nice and you'd
feel elated. Again, not all seniors were like that. My first line
manager probably said hello to me less than five times my first
six months on the job. The person who sat between us was always
late so it's not like there was a barrier. It was just business.
We were there to make money, not friends.

"You get the kindest guys and the most heartless bastards. Like
anywhere else. But the environment changes attitudes and
behaviour. You're far too immersed in a world motivated by making
money with money to not change, however little. You need to
actively work at it to stay grounded. You're working on
billion-dollar deals, for a firm that spends more money on
stationery than some companies make in revenues. You're flown
around in business class, eating at the most expensive
restaurants on business, etc.

"People were always on the phone making reservations. Table for
four here, table for six there. The restaurant business in London
must love bankers. Some guys would come in on Mondays with the
bills from the weekend. Dropping a thousand pounds on a night out
was not surprising. Not everyone was like this. Many of us spent
weekends at home, cooking a meal. But you definitely had more
than a few bankers who rolled into a lounge thinking they were
Thomas Crown.

'The big banks are worlds unto themselves and you're a –
temporary – citizen. Their logos are your country flag, their
motto your national anthem.'

"The big banks are worlds unto themselves and you're a –
temporary – citizen. Their logos are your country flag, their
motto your national anthem. There is a lottery element to it all.
The lucky ones join top teams from the start, the way some people
are born into rich families. Sure, you could move to a top team
even if you started in back office but it's tough. People on top
like the status quo. It's a jungle.

"Theatrics should not be overlooked. Over drinks a senior banker
once recommended I be more aggressive and swear at the littlest
oversight. "People will see you as highly motivated to make money
and they'll want to keep you," he said. Half of his time on the
phone was spent yelling to get things done faster. He cursed like
Al Pacino in Scarface. Others would comment "man, that guy is
committed to the job". My senior banker also said if I wanted to
get paid real money, I needed to look like I wanted real money.
If I wore a cheap watch they'd think I'd be happy with a
100-dollar bonus.

"The whole compensation system is very sophisticated. For
instance, you'll get a good bonus but never enough to leave.
Because that would destroy the bank. Its biggest asset is the
people. They want you to keep chasing the precious carrot. I
wouldn't be surprised if they hired psychologists to improve
bankers' performances and increase their resilience to the stress
of the job.

"The futile acts of resistance. You were allowed to order in a
meal after 8pm, so people would hang on till 8.01pm and then
order a nice meal. You could take a taxi from work paid for by
the bank. Who were we kidding? This stuff actually ropes you
further in.

"Many investment bankers are into extreme sports. Perhaps to
counter the stress. You have people running a six-day
ultra-marathon in the desert. Triathlons, climbing Kilimanjaro,
etc. I'd say it's also about personal credentials and league
tables – look at me having done this and that. Others in the bank
then feel "I have to do this, too". The great thing is that they
raise money for charity.

"Anyone could do this job. It's different for quants, who need to be very strong in maths, but
most of investment banking anyone can do – with enough practice
and stamina. The mystique about a banker being an X-Man isn't
true. The media are partly responsible for that.

You're surrounded by a lot of intelligence. The sector attracts
talent from all over the world.

"A few things I miss. You're surrounded by a lot of intelligence.
The sector attracts talent from all over the world. You want to
learn about commodities, Middle East politics, tax loopholes,
shipping … you pick up the phone and you get PhD-level knowledge
on the end of the line.

Then the headline-grabbing deals. It's all over the news and
you're part of it. I also miss the efficiency. The banks were
well-oiled machines. We'd sit there and boom, another
billion-dollar deal done. Next, another billion-dollar deal.
That's one reason why it's hard to set up your own advisory
boutique after leaving a big investment bank. Clients go with
established institutions and their brand power.

"In essence, an investment banker resembles a magician – his
greatest trick is the disappearance and reappearance of money, an
illusion he aptly executes with nicely designed and immaculate
literature and an arsenal of free-flowing industry jargon
intelligible mainly to his own circle. The investment banker
contrasts with the magician in his finale – the reappearance
seldom matches the original; he lubricates the passage of capital
with very sticky fingers. (That's a definition I have used on my
blog.)

"Overall we provided a good service, helping to raise money for
governments, corporations and financial institutions. If we made
some money off that, all the better. We weren't screwing them
over, if only out of self-interest. There's a self-correcting
mechanism here, with reputational risk. A utility company could
bring in millions in revenue each year. Such a relationship takes
long to establish. All in all, however, nothing was done unless
it would bring in money directly or indirectly, either today or
in the future.

"Sometimes I bump into former colleagues at Canary Wharf. They
treat me almost like a patient, saying: 'Are you all right?' They
think life after banking is no life at all. When you're immersed
in that world you can't imagine life on the outside. It creates a
fear of the outside and consequently obedient soldiers.

"Time is money but, more importantly, it is life. That's what
bankers need to ask themselves when they're sacrificing the best
years of their lives. If they truly love the job, it's fine. But
I assure you they are a small minority."

More voices

This page guides you to the top five best-read,
most-liked, most-tweeted and most-commented on of the 70-plus
interviews so far.

"Some of my most vivid memories have to do with
layoffs." This employee relations manager does the firing. Read her
hair-raising testimony here: "When the call comes, people know
right away."

"For senior guys it's different. They're trying to
squeeze into a pyramid where there are very few spots."
This managing director in roughly the same field as the
interviewee is very happy in his job: "I would come home from
work just when my wife's morning alarm would go off."