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Who Dey Revolution Manifesto

Preamble

IN THIS TIME of perpetual Cincinnati Bengals incompetence and futility, with zero playoff wins in the nineteen seasons since the WhoDeyRevolution Godfather, Paul Brown, passed away in 1991 and handed the team to his fortunate son, the Despot, Mike Brown;

Introduction

WE, the members of the Who Dey Revolution, in our fervent dedication to the Cincinnati Bengals and fanatical desire to transform our hometown team into perpetual Super Bowl contenders, call for a popular revolution of fans to demand comprehensive reform to the managerial decisions and approach of Cincinnati Bengals ownership, management, staff and players, and hereby call for the adoption of the following Who Dey Revolution Manifesto:

Manifesto Demands

THAT the Mike Brown, Katie Blackburn, Marvin Lewis, along with every other member of the Bengals management, staff and personnel, state publicly to all Bengals fans, “I will do everything in my power to help the Cincinnati Bengals win a Super Bowl;”

THAT Mike Brown will hire a general manager, drastically expand the scouting department and relinquish all control of player personnel;

THAT all training, rehabilitation and medical facilities are considered best-in-class compared to other NFL teams;

THAT the management fill the team only with players who fit the system, both mentally and physically, and are not reluctant to makes changes to player personnel when needed, regardless of cost or loyalty concerns;

THAT offensive and defensive line depth is considered the top priority for all player personnel decisions;

THAT all decisions made by ownership, management, staff and players, both on and off the field, are judged only by this criterion: “Does this help the Cincinnati Bengals win a Super Bowl?”

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Television

November 11, 2010

As WDR projected last month, the sellout streak will end with the Bengals-Bills game on November 21st. This will mark the first home game not on local television since November 9th, 2003 vs. Houston.

In a story posted on Bengals.com, Geoff Hobson goes on to say that the only game the team is somewhat confident about selling out is December 5th vs. New Orleans. Even Cleveland on December 19th is in serious jepoardy. Not sure the last time a Bengals-Browns game did not sellout, but it has been a long time.

So, how will Mike Brown and company respond? What if the final four home games in 2010 fail to sellout...less than one year after an AFC North division championship?

February 03, 2010

Reporter: Hello, I am reporting live from right outside Cincinnati and if you are just tuning in you are NOT HALLUCINATING! That is a three thousand foot tall MikeyBoyZilla using the P&G towers like two oven mitts about to pick up a burning hot plate of meatloaf.

The first sightings of MikeyBoyZilla were reported in Mason this morning, where the behemoth crushed an indoor soccer facility that the Cincinnati Bengals recently used to practice in. Bystanders that witnessed the destruction say that the monster mumbled something about, "Jacked up rental pricing."

MikeyBoyZilla then spent the next hour uprooting and swallowing unfortunate Denny's franchises. Once his hunger for delicious Grand Slamwiches was sated he made his way downtown where, as you can see, he is currently wreaking havoc.

Once again, if you are just tuning in, this isn't a bad dream. It's more like a metaphor for what Mike Brown has done to the city over the last 20 years coming to real life.

August 14, 2009

I only caught the last 10 minutes or so of Hard Knocks last night. And I wish I hadn't seen it. Watching Mike Brown sit at the front of a Georgetown classroom and act a fool confirmed all of our worst theories about how the Bengals actually are behind closed doors. I've been trying to wrap my mind around the scenario, and what I keep coming up with is that Mike Brown lives in a world of delusion. No one tells him that most of the players and ideas he brings to the team are spectactularly awful. And since no one calls him on his disabilities he just keeps on playing make believe like he did when his dad was around. Paul Brown may have done the same sort of tinkering with his team but he had decades of teaching and coaching and evaluating talent to rely on. All Mike did before he took the reins was exist as a big round flesh toned bowling ball.

This situation is so sad. Marvin had his shot at being a head coach neutered by Mikey. The first half of Carson's career is going to pass by with him only playing in one playoff game. Mike Zimmer's head is going to explode after his linebacking corp is decimated by injuries and Mike Brown tells him Brad St. Louis has good lateral quickness and a linebackin' body. And all the while two generations of football fans in Cincy are never going to know what it feels like to have confidence while rooting for their team.

June 09, 2009

KissingSuzyKolber has an article today about Chris Berman that I don't think goes far enough. Although it is evident that Big Daddy Drew is not a fan, I was hoping for a piece so hate-filled that it would transcend the plane between the internet and the outside world, instantly vaporizing Berman and all his smug shtick.

I've lightly touched on the topic of ESPN/Berman before but let me reiterate, he is the worst personality in sports broadcasting. I'd take an infinite loop of Joe Theismann, Hubie Brown and Tim McCarver calling every game in every sport if it meant I never had to hear him turn a straightforward highlight into a bad pun again. It depresses me to think that people out there find him entertaining.

ESPN deserves a lot of credit for making sports such a cultural phenomenon, but in the last 10-15 years I really think it has made all of us dumber in the way we look at sports. ESPN does not make people think about sports analytically. Like a baby, it makes us consume sports information in tiny little morsels, which affects people's views. Instead of getting a discussion on Chad's merits as a receiver, three talking heads yak it up about Chad's sideline antics. Instead of talking about the Bengals as a team, we get a clip of Marvin jogging onto the field and then Mark Schlereth saying he's on the hot seat. This stuff does not make you more informed, it does the opposite and reinforces black and white opinions that they hammer into their viewers head over and over. ESPN could be entertaining and smart considering how much is at their disposal and yet the media empire decided to make people view sports through a tiny prism where there is no room for grey areas or wide ranging ideas. It's sad.

This hurts Bengals fans because a lot of us only get our news and form our opinions form what ESPN tells us. They don't talk about how our ownership is a living breathing hex. How our O Coordinator should be selling tacos out of the back of a van. The sorts of things that bother WhoDeyRev to no end. So I guess what I'm trying to say is next time you get the chance, don't watch ESPN or Berman.

March 24, 2009

So I watched the surprisingly entertaining Dhani Tackles The Globe last night. I missed the first insallment so this was my first foray into the mind of our most intriguing Bengal. Anyway, the episode had him in Switzerland training for some sort of swiss sumo wrestling competition as well as wandering around ingratiating himself with the reclusive country.

Am I the only one that doesn't understand how if he is under contract with the Bengals he can also be doing dangerous things with his body like wrestling and kickboxing and playing rugby? Is he just taking the chance that Mikey Boy hasn't bought into the whole cable TV fad and won't be able to watch the show? To be clear, I am not bitching about Dhani doing some extracurriculars in the offseason. I think it's pretty badass actually. But with all of these reports of athletes getting hurt playing hoops in the offseason, or in the case of hoopster Monta Ellis getting hurt riding a motorscooter, how is Dhani allowed to do this? There has to be a clause in his contract about it being voidable if he gets his collarbone broken on the show. Also, with how much of a joke certain other Bengals treat the offseason, i.e. Levi living underneath a Blizzard machine at a local DQ and Shayne Graham wearing sequined jeans and displaying his once-in-a-generation leadership skills in Mt. Adams, it's nice to know that at least Dhani is doing something active.

With all that aside, Dhani is definitely the coolest Michigan alum I know (He's also the only one I will acknowledge knowing). He has his own tie collection, can carry a cable show, may still ride his bike to work every day, and most awesomely, was arrested in Miami for serving some cop. Basically he's everything Chad could be if he had a working brain. Okay, that's a little harsh. But you get my point.