Ahnnilator's Guide to Lunch

Is there ever a time where, during the middle of the day, you feel strangely hungry? And during this time of hunger, do you ever make delicious food? And do you ever eat said delicious food? If so, you have experienced the strange phenomenon known as 'lunch'. Lunch is being experienced (and by experienced, I mean eaten) by thousands, no, millions of people each and every day. And if you are unfamiliar with this strange occurrence (which would probably be rare, but hey, you never know), this guide will help, well, guide you through your midday meal. Quite deliciously, too, I might add.

Before you consider eating, or more importantly, making, lunch, you must make sure you are prepared to do so. You will need to have food, something to cook your food with, and utensils. Without these, you might as well just be making breakfast or dinner or even worse, a simple snack. It would also be advantageous to have a plate or bowl or something similar to that. Furthermore, it would also be in your favor to have some cooking skills. However, since it appears a lot of people are frying their peanut butter and jelly sandwiches nowadays (whatever for, I have no idea), here is some cooking advice that could come in handy.

When it comes to cooking lunch, common sense pays off greatly. For example, do not freeze your grilled cheese sandwich. Grill it (Just not if it’s already grilled). If you accidentally set your kitchen on fire (it’s easier than it sounds), do not try to put it out with perfume or olive oil. More importantly, call for help first before you try and play firefighter. Do not reheat anything that is moldy, spoiled, or expired, although why you would want to try and eat something like that is a mystery in itself.

However, there are some finer aspects to making lunch that common sense will, alas, be unable to save you from. These aspects are called ‘cooking skills’. And while most people have a few of them at the minimum, not everybody is so blessed. So we’re here to impart some of our cooking skills. To help you with this, we are going to give you a recipe for a ham sandwich, which you must follow exactly; otherwise you could get burned, cut, or suffer 14 other injuries too bizarre to mention here. Anyway, the recipe is as follows:

You will need:

2 slices of bread

1 piece of ham

1 piece of cheese

Instructions:

1. Place the two slices of bread next to each other.

2. Place the ham on one slice of the bread.

3. Place the cheese on the same slice of bread again.

If you could make the sandwich, then congratulations! You’re on your way to becoming a master chef. If you couldn’t make the sandwich, then unfortunately, you might as well just going back to eating cereal with milk for every meal, every day, for the rest of your days. Or you could just go out.

Yes, the not-so-fine-art of eating out. This practice has become quite more common in recent years, where people venture outside their homes, go to a restaurant or other such establishment, and order and eat their lunch there. As you can see, while this is a novel idea and can be quite practical, there are many drawbacks to this, the main one being if you eat out, you’re proving to the world that you’re too lazy to make one lousy lunch. There are other things, too. Your hamburger could be infected (somehow) with Neopox, Kikoughlea, or several other diseases. And your food could just downright taste disgusting! If you make your lunch at home, you can make sure that at least if your food tastes terrible, it happened under your watch and you can always just make your meal differently the next time you choose to eat it. However, I will say this one positive thing about eating out at lunch: They probably have much more comfortable chairs than the ones at your house.

If you have any further problems with making or eating lunch, please read this troubleshooting guide as I point and laugh at you in a matter that will cause others to point and laugh at you.

Q: My lunch has come alive, what should I do?

A: Check to make sure you didn’t put Haunted Woods slime in your food-trust me, as a native, that stuff jiggles! If that is not the problem, toss it out. Well, for that matter, toss it out if there’s slime in it, too.

Q: Where can I find good recipes?

A. Ask people on the street for them. You’ll probably walk away with a few bruises and maybe a black eye but at least with more knowledge than before!

Q: I’m in a hurry and don’t have to time to prepare anything for lunch. What should I do?

A: Simple. Do what anybody else in your situation would do-find a piece of paper (a napkin, this edition of the Neopian Times, etc.)- and eat it. Paper doesn’t really taste all that bad.

Q: When would be the best time to eat lunch?

A: Midnight.

Q: Are you serious about that last answer?

A: Were you serious about that last question?

Q: Is this guide useful at all whatsoever?

A: If you’ve read any of my other guides at all, that’d be a safe “No”.

I hope this guide has helped you in more ways than one. For example, now that you have the requisite knowledge for making lunch, you also have some requisite knowledge for breakfast and dinner as well (and quite possible midnight snacks, too). And now with this knowledge, you can go impress your friends, provided all your friends are idiots (if not, just get some idiot friends, which should not be too hard). But all in all, I hope this guide has helped you in some microscopic way.