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Ranking The P90x Supporting Cast From Worst To Best

Anyone who’s been within earshot of me in the past several months knows that I’ve taken the plunge and joined the P90X craze, which has been a journey unto itself. P90X, as many of you probably know, is a workout-at-home program that has users cycling through about ten DVDs repeatedly over the course of ninety days. As a result, we P90Xers are exposed to the same jokes, the same comments, and the same chatter day after day, week after week, and at the center of it all is fitness guru Tony Horton, who takes us to hell and back every day with a colorful cast of supporting characters. It doesn’t take long to grow attached to some of these oft-silent people in the background, and I know many users have their favorites (as well as those they detest). With that in mind, I decided to compile a list — a ranking of all the supporting cast members from worst to best. There were definitely some difficult decisions, but hey, I know it’s hard. It’s supposed to be!

Some clarification before we begin. This list only includes the original P90X. P90X Plus and P90X2 are not represented.

Let’s get busy.

23. Dom

Here’s why Dom is the very worst supporting cast member of P90X. While all of us are sweating and panting away during the torturous, evil DVD known as “Plymometrics” (jump training, essentially), Dom is bouncing around with his spring-loaded legs as if it ain’t no thing. Even worse, he shows EVERYONE up whenever he can, particularly during Jump Knee Tucks, which are the “mother of all the moves” on the “mother of all the workouts.” Here I am, struggling to jump in place like some demented frog, and there’s Dom — boing boing boing. This may be the mother of all the moves, but he is the MOTHER OF ALL ASSHOLES. At that moment, as I see death approaching me (or maybe it’s just the salty sweat in my eyes), I hate Dom more than anything in life. I’m sure he’s a lovely guy though!

22. Katie

This chatterbox is truly the most annoying person in the P90X oeuvre. Appearing on the Back & Biceps DVD, she spends most of the workout clamoring for the spotlight with perky, irritating squeaks and comments. Even worse, towards the end of the DVD when our aforementioned backs and biceps are nothing but loose putty incapable of even the mildest exertion, she volunteers to perform the HARDEST pull-up in the history of pull-ups: the corn cob. Trust me: when you hear her chirp, “I’m gonna do CORN COB!” you’ll want to absolutely punch her in the face (not that I condone violence towards women, but I mean, c’mon…).

WHERE’S YOUR CORN COB NOW?? (I know that makes no sense)

If you need a break from the countdown, do it now. Do NOT sit down. Don’t go eating a pastrami sandwich. Hamburger bad, fries bad, Coca-Cola bad. Drink your water, people.

Mini-break… Break’s over!

21. Wesley Idol

Here’s the problem with Wesley Idol. He allegedly introduced Tony to the Kenpo-X routine (which isn’t THAT great, by the by), and yet Wesley barely seems to be able to properly keep up. I mean, I know Wesley ONLY BLEEDS ON THE INSIDE, but that doesn’t mean he’s allowed to be so slow while doing CLAW PULL PUNCH! CLAW PULL PUNCH! SWORD HAMMER! SWORD HAMMER! Sorry. It just takes over. Anyway, I have some serious questions about Wesley’s form, which is not to say that mine is better (I’m very awkward and tend to fall over for no particular reason), but seriously, if you are the Grand Poobah of Kenpo-X, at least be awesome at it.

20. Timmy

I feel like Timmy would have been a decent guy had he been on any other DVD, but as the fates would have it, he wound up on Back & Biceps with Katie, and this punk (who could surely beat me to a pulp — he was a Marine, after all) sort of suffers because of it. He feeds on Katie’s energy, and it’s not long before the two are practically yapping away, vying for attention. Excuse me, but Tony’s trying to teach a class here, okay? Shut it.

19. Phil

Talk about surly. Our resident lawyer / karate master / caveman, Phil serves as the most humorless guy in the cast. And we have some pretty humorless people (including DOM). I don’t know why Phil is so mad — maybe it’s the janky haircut he sports every time he’s on camera, or maybe it’s that he’s so muscular he can’t do seated spine stretch like everyone else — but either way, I can assure you he’s NO fun. Turn that frown upside-down, brohan.

18. Vanessa

Vanessa is something of a brute. She doesn’t really have much personality, and really the only thing I can consistently remember about her is that her shirt was light green at the beginning of Kenpo-X (it turns to dark green. Sweat, etc.). I think I heard a rumor somewhere that she’s engaged to Jason from Ab Ripper X (lucky her: he’s the RIP KING). Perhaps that’s mentioned on the Cardio-X DVD, which I’ve never used (but I believe they’re both on it). Anyway, I’m getting off topic. The point is that Vanessa is mean, and I question her footwork during Kenpo. THERE. I said it.

17. Scotty Fifer

Scotty Fifer isn’t the worst, but he does seem a little smug, and I can never, EVER forgive him for bringing “Fifer Scissors” into my world. Truth is that whenever Tony Horton mentions that we’ll be doing anything involving scissors, I groan. That Scotty Fifer had to introduce another variation of scissors into the P90X universe is INEXCUSABLE. For shame, Scotty! For shame!

16. Eric

I don’t mind Eric. He owns a boat. And he’s from Belgium. That’s his thing. He seems a touch cocky though. Either way, he signals the transition point on this list from where the cast goes from being annoying to merely bland.

15. Audra

Speaking of bland, here’s Audra. Who? Exactly. She’s the Ann Veal of P90X. Given that she appears on the longest DVD of the bunch (Yoga X) and the most often viewed workout (Ab Ripper X), it’s shocking that I still couldn’t pick her out of a crowd. Having that little personality is a talent. Or maybe an anti-talent. Whatever it is, Audra is the most forgettable — and therefore inoffensive — of the crew.

Who’s that? OH. It’s AUDRA.

Wow, we’re only at 15? I’m dogging it!!

14. Shauna / Shawna

There’s some controversy online about the spelling of Shauna’s name (does it have a u or a w? Who knows??). That might be the most exciting thing about her. Actually, wait. I’M PUSHING MY OWN PERSONAL PAUSE BUTTON. Shauna does have something exciting about her: she always looks like she’s enjoying some sort of sex fantasy whenever she stretches. And boy, can she stretch. She’s so flexible she makes Gumby look like the Tin Man (or is that Adam?). Either way, she could certainly pose FOR THE COVER OF DOWNWARD DOG MAGAZINE. Best downward dog of her life, I’m sure.

13. Jason

Jason… Jason… who’s Jason again? Oh yeah. HE’S THE RIP KING. And engaged to Vanessa. Looks like he didn’t take Tony’s tip of the day: engage… and I don’t mean go out and GET engaged. My only exposure to Jason is on Ab Ripper X (again, I haven’t done Cardio X); so I really know nothing about this guy except that he just loves flinging his arms in the air while doing seated bicycles. Damn him. Johnny Intense like no one’s business.

12. Joe Bovino

Man o Manischewitz. What to say about Joe Bovino? I sort of like Joe Bovino, if only because he must endure Tony perpetually insisting that they’re twins. They’re not. Plus, he has very impressive triceps! Or as Tony calls them, DIAMONDS OF GOLD.

Halfway done with the list. Party’s almost over! What a bummer! If you’re dogging it, just hit the pause button, and when you’re back, we’ll be right here.

11. Dave

Dave is a little bland, making his lone, quiet appearance on the Chest & Shoulders & Triceps DVD. But he’s rather jacked AND a substitute school teacher, a combination which I think is sort of awesome. Part of me wonders if he’s secretly a superhero. I also wonder if he quietly hates the other cast members. He probably does, and I like that.

10. Sophia

To paraphrase Tony, Sophia is GORRRRGEOUS. Ranking as the hottest lady of the bunch, this dentist-in-training has swell teeth and a sexy voice to boot. She clearly seems to be taking the easy road at times on the Legs & Back disc, but… she’s so pretty! I do always wonder though… if Dreya Weber hadn’t taken off her sweatshirt, would Sophia have done the same? I mean, was Sophia intending to take the sweatshirt off just moments after Dreya, or was she merely catering to some self-imposed sweatshirt-stripdown peer pressure? Part of me thinks she would have kept hers on a little longer if she had her druthers. These are the things I think about.

9. Bobby Stephenson

Good ol’ Bobby Stephenson. He seems like a solid dude. He’s an amiable guy, and on the Back & Biceps DVD, he’s the only one NOT clamoring for screen time (as opposed to Katie and Timmy). For that alone, he lands in the top ten.

8. Tony Lattimore

Here’s why I like Tony: he often times seems like the only one who knows what he’s doing during Kenpo-X. Talk to anyone, and they’ll tell you: keep your eye on Tony Lattimore for form. It’s true. GRAB PULL PUNCH!

7. Laura

I like Laura because she’s older than anyone else in the cast, and yet she’s plugging right along with the best of them. Of course, then I feel bad that she can do significantly more than I can (you don’t want to see me attempt a plyo-pushup), but hey, that’s okay. More power to her. Plus, we can see that Tony especially likes her as he often sidles up next to her to make some silly joke or comment. Aw, I love LAURONY.

6. Maren

When it comes to Maren, there are only three words necessary: GERMAN POTATO SOUP. Yes, that’s the imaginary brew she stirs up during the world famous Karen pot stirrers, and dammit if it doesn’t make me hungry every time. Maren seems like a sweet girl — trying her best just like the rest of us. Heck, she’s not just trying her best, she’s FORGETTING THE REST. Also, fun fact: she’s a hardcore porn star too! What? You didn’t see Joey Silvera’s Fashion Sluts 11? Me neither. I’m not sure I want to see Maren having sex. Part of me fears that she’ll sound like a pterodactyl backing out of trouble. KAW KAW!!

I’m in a good mood today, man. You in a good mood?

5. Dreya Weber

Some people love the “gorgeous” Dreya. Some people hate her. Here’s one thing we can all settle on: she flies through the air with the greatest of ease. Call me insane (and lord knows there ain’t no such thing as a sanity clause), but I like Dreya. She’s tough, a little manly, and she always smiles. You can tell that she and Tony really get along, and any friend of Tony’s is a friend of mine (except for anyone on the bottom part of this list… I’m looking at you, DOM). Anyway, I know some of you may be upset that I’ve placed Dreya so high, but what the hell, life is good, I’m the leader, I can do whatever I want.

4. Erik Stolhanske

Give Erik some credit. Not only is he part of the Broken Lizard comedy troupe (Supertroopers), but he has one leg, and he still shows up for Plyometrics. AND he makes jokes about it. There seriously have been times when I’ve wanted to collapse on the floor in a puddle of my own sweat during this workout, but then I realize that if Erik can do it with one leg, I can do it with two. Even better, Erik isn’t all DOM about it. He’s not showy. He just does his thing. He proves that YOU CAN DO ANYTHING FOR THIRTY SECONDS IF YOU PUT YOUR MIND TO IT. In other news, I can’t always do anything for thirty seconds, even if I put my mind to it. Although, if it’s resting and drinking water, I certainly have that down.

3. Daniel Haas

About an hour into the Yoga X DVD — when every muscle in your body is trembling, sweat is dripping down your face, and you’re seriously contemplating burning down the offices of Downward Dog magazine — perhaps the last thing you want to see are all those people on screen bending and contorting their bodies like a bunch of pretzels. It can be defeating. And then there’s Daniel Haas. Seeing his imperfect form gives you hope (unlike Wesley Idol’s imperfect form, which just looks lazy). Daniel Haas makes me realize that I’m truly a work in progress, just like he is. Also, he seems cool.

2. Adam

Ah, Johnny-trainer-stretchy-dancer boy. Adam is arguably the most physically fit member of the P90X cast. That’s probably why he prances around shirtless through two-thirds of the videos he’s in. We probably should hate Adam for the way he breezes through Ab Ripper X or Yoga Belly 7 (“HIT MY HAND. HIT MY HAND!!!”). But we don’t. His stone-cold face shows determination and grit (as opposed to Phil, whose face shows anger and bitterness). And then we get to Core Synergistics, and Adam is all smiles and giggles, especially at the end when he tries to go for some bonus reps and fails miserably. Wait, Adam can fail? HE’S JUST LIKE US! And quite frankly, I don’t know how he doesn’t get faked out when Tony says “Add ’em” and then later has to say, “Add the arms, not Adam back there.” The fact that Adam doesn’t flinch always impresses me because I would have been like “YES? YOU CALLED MY NAME???”

Of course, must I even mention the coup de grace? It happens during Yoga. The group is doing frog, and Shauna winds up touching Adam’s foot. So what does he do? Adam wiggles his toe to say hi. HE WIGGLES HIS TOE TO SAY HI. I mean, this man is a GENTLEMAN. There’s only one person who could possibly top that. You’ve probably already guessed who it is.

All this tension… I hate it…

But I love it…

Get ready…

‘Cause it’s coming…

1. Pam

Although, they call her…

1. BLAM!!!

Pam is a private investigator, but more important than that, she is the recipient of the most important nickname in all of P90X: PAM THE BLAM. Everything else is irrelevant. Just make sure of one thing: don’t stand in the creek ’cause Pam will run you over!

I’ll be honest, the one I curse the most is Tony. Ugh. F you Tony and your show-boating out-pulluping everyone 3/4 way through the video when you haven’t worked more than your jaw while they’ve neen bringing it.

This made me cry laughing and I’ve never even watched P90x LOL
I have watched enough exercise videos thought to know that it doesn’t take long till you start memorizing every little nuance of the people on the screen. You are so funny!

Thank you. This review is reason enough to not start (or even BUY) P90x. If I would hate these people that much, there is no way I’d be exercising to them. Unless I was bulking up to punch everyone of them out.

Great list! I actually hate Dreya though. Not sure why, I just hate her. I love Eric. He looks like the pirate from Dodgeball and every time I think of him doing speed skaters while saying Arggh… Makes it much easier to keep going.

Totally agree with Adam and Pam at the top. Adam because he is an unbelievable badass- especially during yoga- and Pam because, well she’s the BLAM, and she chases bad guys!

This is brilliant and hilarious. I love Pam the Blam best, too. I’m on my second round and I find myself talking to Tony, answering him, telling him why I’m dogging it. It’s easy to have a conversation if you already have the other guy’s part memorized! And I don’t believe in aging – get your aging right here!

Great list. My only disagreement is on Wesly Idol. At the time of the filming he was a 2nd degree black belt in kenpo. His form is actually the correct form as far as kenpo goes. Cardio kickboxing not so much.

– Here’s my problem with Adam – he lies about the number of prison cell pushups he does in Core Syngergistics – I haven’t watched in a while – but I think he says he does like 18. I remember going all out and getting to 12 or 13 and then he would say he did 18. Finally one week I tried to count them (note, some estimating involved – he’s not on screen the whole time) and I’m pretty sure he padded his number. Buddy, you’re in perfect shape, don’t do that.

– Here’s what I’ll say about Dreya – whenever Tony credits Dreya with an exercise in P90X or X2 – you’re about to do a stupid exercise. I find her annoying.

Jeff — that Core Syn mis-count is one that has me looking cock-eyed at the screen every time I “Push Play” on that particular workout…only thing I could think of is that maybe Adam is counting each side as a rep, while I’m (you?) are counting right/left as 1 rep? So by saying 18 he’s doing 9?

My own ranking would look much different than this — but fun stuff all the same….

Dreya would be last…dead last on my list…shut up about pushing off the heel of your foot (or the front — whichever)….

As an avid P90Xer, this just doesn’t get better. So spot on, although I must say that Dreya should have earned a “more annoying” spot on the list solely because of her mannerisms on every “Dreya” exercise. I also have to say this one of the funniest things I’ve ever read. Not many articles, well none really, make me laugh to the point of tears! I can’t wait for the take on P90X-2, which I now want to do even more now just for the review of the cast!

This is seriously comedy gold. I felt compelled to comment.

Going to have to add “You don’t have to be all DOM about it” into my repertoire of awesome phrases. That’s what you get for being an overachiever, showoff!

How many rounds of P90X does it take to look like Adam? I mean DAMN, what an animal. In fact, if memory serves me correctly (after all, I’m reminded weekly) he even makes Tony “feel like a fat guy” so maybe he’s not the best choice to set as a goal…

Kudos to the author for an amazing article that i will surely be reading again and again.

Oh, thank you. I’m crying with laughter. I think you’re harsh on
Vanessa, though. I like her and her determination. I’m always glad for her when Tony says “Great job, honey” at the end of cardio or kenpo.

Such a great job and so true. At 56 I finished the Classic version 1 1/2 years ago. One month ago started the Lean version, dragging my 20 year old daughter,niec, and sister into the fun here in Atlanta. I remember all of the banter as if I were a child reciting the Little Mermaid after watching it a million times. Dreya I respect, but we make fun of her. She seems like a suck up and Tony seems infatuated. Plus, I think she overstates her numbers on occasion.

Totally disagree about Katie, although everyone I know also hates her. I mean come on, when she gets snarky with Tony and tells him she’s “heavying up my weight” I die laughing every time. So seriously, stop hating on Katie and heavy up your weight.

Why would anyone hate dreya? Except that she is married to Ned Farr? She’s an “omnisexual” aerialist. HOTMAIL!
Wesley is annoying, though. Even more than when he starred on Mr. belvedere.
On the fence about Tony. Totally not listening, form is lazy in spots… But seeing his ace makes me punch and kick harder. I just want to smash him so his tiny ankles shatter!
Dom looks like he smells.
I knew Maren looked familiar. I thought she looked like a porno star the second I pressed play. Bingo!
“I can do things now at 45 I couldn’t do 10 years ago because I do yoga. No. Wait. Because I stretch. Wait. I’m confused.”

Great post, seriously hilarious and your ability to include all the quips as part of your post was genius.

I mostly agree except I dislike Jason “the ripped king”, why I don’t know. I also don’t like Bobby because he comes accross as an a-hole.

Finally I think Audra is by far the hottest chick in the video. I would rank the chicks: Audra (though she seems like a frigid b), Shauna, then Sophia, then Dreya, sorry Katie – although she’s probably the nicest. Audra’s really really hot though

Amazing. Agree completely except Audra and tony lattimore need to move up cause they just do their thing. Wesley kills me and Dom only jumps around like a jackrabbit because he doesn’t crouch down at all.

Dreya and Tony have to have boned before. So many awkward exchanges!

Also, does anyone get creeped out when Tony keeps calling all the females “girl” all slow and breathy? “There you go, girlll…”

How can you possibly not have Dreya as the worst?! She seems so bitchy, arrogant and cocky, she’s obnoxious, and seems so damn fake! Yea I will admit she’s a crazy hard worker and great at what she does, but her personality is so shitty! I can’t stand when she challenges Tony or gets all pumped with him, or gives her suggestions and opinions. Her smile is so fake, yea she smiles all the time, but how can you not read through that fake bitchy face where a heartless demon lies beneath!?

Why Wesley Idol is even in the p90x videos to begin with is beyond me. He’s the only one in the whole serious who’s no where near lean or ripped. He’s a fat, lazy, pathetic kenpo “master”. Seriously man, have some drive and intensity. Move those jiggly arms. My bet is on Wesley had some deal to get on this video because he’s just so out of place. Always makes me think of that Sesame Street song “one of these things is not like the others, one of these things, doesn’t belong”

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