Thursday, April 30, 2009

I See London, I See France...

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There is a robin that sits outside of our window every morning and sings its sweet little heart out. It's very Mary Poppins. Eeeeevery single morning at 5:30 AM.

I freaking hate that bird.

The other morning the bird started singing at precisely 5:17 AM and I was so mad that I got up and went outside intending to do something about it, something involving rocks and a few pointedly stinging remarks. Unfortunately, as soon as I got outside it flew up onto the roof of the neighbors house, right above their master bedroom window where it just knew I'd be scared to throw something, and then it resumed singing. MOCKING ME.

(One of my neighbors has very mischievous six and ten year old boys, and I cannot for the life of me understand why she has failed to furnish them with BB guns. This seems a tragic oversight.)

(Do you think that would be an unfortunate present for someone to leave at their doorstep?)

The bird's early morning singing leaves me plenty of time for rage-fueled tossing around in bed before it is time to get up. I do this with quite a bit of irritation and loud sighing, since in my sleep deprived haze I feel quite certain that my husband ought to be Doing Something About It, although I'm not sure what that would entail. Just something. I think I would like to hear him out there screaming at that bird, really giving it the what-for. Maybe throwing something heavy, like a patio chair or the swing set.

Despite my bird fueled rage, my attitude about all things baby is finally starting to improve. It helps to have ultra-sound proof that it's a boy and not actually a demon from the netherworld as I was beginning to suspect. Unfortunately the only thing I've really done to prepare for the baby's arrival is whine a lot.

When I found out I was pregnant I walked around the house moaning about how stupid we were to give away all of our baby stuff, stupid, stupid, HOW COULD WE BE SO STUPID - thoughts I cagily kept to myself when my sister-in-law generously offered to give me some of her old baby stuff. She sweetly said she didn't need any of it anymore, because they were Done, and I did my best to nod gratefully instead of mumbling "famous last words SUCKAH," under my breath.

(Actual conversation with doctor this morning after ultrasound: Doctor: In a few weeks we can start talking about whether or not you'd like to have a tubal ligation after your c-section. Me: TIE THEM! TIE THEM NOW! I WANT THEM TIED. WITH DOUBLE-KNOTS! DO YOU DO DOUBLE KNOTS? Doctor: Uh....)

Anyway, thanks to my sister-in-law the baby will sleep in an actual crib instead of a laundry basket, and will have a stroller instead of the conveyance I was mocking up - a trained Labrador with a saddle.

We don't have a stitch of baby clothing in the house, and I'm dreading the inevitable trip to Target, where we will lay down all of our pennies as a sacrifice to the baby apparel gods. Most weeks lately I feel like Alexander, Who Used To Be Rich Last Sunday - payments from my tech writing clients come in the mail and at first I dance my wild dance of crazy glee, and then I realize the dishwasher is broken, and we owe fifty-seven million dollars to the IRS, and Carter grew two sizes over the winter and needs new pants, and the mortgage is due in three days.

I can't bring myself to spend money on maternity clothes. It seems such a waste to buy new clothes that I will use for four months. I have decided to forge ahead with wearing pajama pants and stretching out my existing shirts for the next few months, and if my underwear happens to show, well then it JUST HAPPENS TO SHOW.

All in all, I expect that I will be quite grumpy this summer, what with the pregnancy and the extreme wardrobe, and if anyone says a word about my non-conventional maternity wear, they will RUE THE DAY, because I swear if it is the last thing I do I will find a way to sic that freaking bird on them.

105 comments:

You are so frickin funny. Thank you for making me laugh. :) I say break out the sheets and ditch the maternity wear. Save your dollars for clothes that your son will wear for no more than 2 months becuase he's entering a growth spurt.

Well, I have a bunch of much bigger than you are maternity clothes that you are welcome to. And the stuff I got for my half-sister's baby that turned out to be a girl even though "six ultrasounds" said it was a boy. (She's a crazy who never had a moment's prenatal care.) But the clothes are cute. With seven thousand readers, I think we might be able to come up with something for you.

Glad to see you are doing so well, and that the hormones aren't affecting you a bit. They never affected me, either. Had nothing to do with the fact that hubby moved his office, a spare bed, and a small refrigerator to the basement during my pregnancies. Nothing. ;)(So glad to see a post from you. Many prayers your way.)

Don't worry about the baby stuff - someone is going to throw you a shower, I'm sure. I remember that, for some reason, I totally forgot to pick up onesies, burp cloths, etc., for my 6th baby (we had given away all our stuff too). Some friends threw me a shower around month 7 and I was stunned, stunned, to be opening up packages with CLOTHES FOR THE BABY! And burp cloths, and a hooded towel, and all that cute stuff. What's all this for? I wondered, in my senile pregnancy state.

Beats me what would have happened if they hadn't done that.

Baby car seat? Just ask around - everyone has one (for heaven's sake, girl, you live in Mormon country) and they can't donate them to thrift shops.

Also, take some extra iron and some B-vitamins (more than what is in the prenatals). They vastly improve your mood. As will those maternity clothes...

LOL! I'm trying so hard to stifle the giggles in front of my students, none of which would understand in the slightest.

How about seeing if there are any major mom to mom sales going on? I'm participating in one next week (dum dum dum--that Mirena better keep working) and I know you can get a ton of really good stuff for dirt cheap, even cheaper than Target!

We need to have a bloggy baby shower for you. Set up a PO box or something and we can mail you some cute babish stuff. OHHH...better yet I can host it on my blog and be like "Send Sue your baby gift by such and such a date..."

Poor lil innocent birdy. Yeah, we did the give all the baby stuff away, and then wow!We only had 24hrs notice, do you know how much money you can spend in 24hrs??? Good thing too, poor kid arrived with nothing. Diaper on his butt, and short outfit in NOV! No bottles, carseat, formula,or anything!Maybe you need to start running a fan so the bird doesn't wake you up.

Funny, funny post...but I do have one little bit of serious input about having your tubes tied. I hope you'll not be offended by my getting so personal, but as someone who has undergone a surgical menopause (which was pretty much of a nightmare), I wanted to caution you that tubal ligation sometimes throws its recipients into premature menopause, which is not a good scenario. If you want to do something permanent, your husband might want to consider a vasectomy.

Again, sorry to go there, but I hope you will do some internet research so you can make a fully informed decision, as doctors often fail to mention these things...or their potential impacts. Some doctors don't acknowledge that this is even a possibility, but others do acknowledge it and call it Post Tubal Ligation Syndrome.

Having said that, we had a bird just like yours...a shrill, shrieking one that lived for years but must have died now, thankfully. I used to envision the BB gun solution, too!

My dad is an OB/GYN and he used to come home late at night and our neighbor's dog would bark like crazy keeping him awake. Well, he needed his sleep (so he could tie double knots correctly after c-sections)so he took his bebe gun, and shot the dog when it was barking. After awhile, all he had to do was open the window and the dog shut up.

I'll see your stupid robin and raise you an obnoxious pheasant which woke me up every stupid morning that I lived in pheasant. My ex-boyfriend got so sick of it that he stalked it at every opportunity with a bow and arrow. No lie. It's a good part of why he's my ex.

I got rid of most of our baby-baby clothes, but I have some 9-12 and 18 month outfits for boys if you want them. They're just sitting in my son's closet, hanging out till I figure out what to do with them. Only been through one baby too.

And I've been fitted with metal plugs for my tubes, so there are no babies in my future.

My kids love Mary Poppins so we watch it quite regularly. Despite the rap she gets for being super cheerful she's actually rather short. She's just efficient. So you don't have to be happy about things, just be efficient. We do have a bb-gun, and my husband did do something about the bird at our window. You're welcome to borrow both the gun and the husband if necessary.

Oh, and if you don't want to have your tubes tied but your hubby is too chicken to get snipped, there is a new procedure called Essure where they plug your tubes with metal! Hey, that sounds familiar. I had it done in March and it's non-invasive and relatively easy. Well, I've heard from other people it was easy for them - my doctor told me I'm the hardest patient he's ever done. Great.

Anyway, it's cheaper and not as surgical as a tubal ligation, and just as effective.

Wow Sue, it's been a while since I've been over here. I finally graduated and have time again to blog and read blogs. I'm also pleasantly surprised to find out you are expecting. Congratulations! Even though I know this wasn't planned by you. I'm trying to figure out just how far along you are. If you just found out it was a boy are you 20 weeks? Over that? I'm curious because I'm expecting as well. I'm only 13 weeks. But I'm sorry this is such a roller coaster for you. Experiencing the hormones that come naturally, I can't imagine having to take more. And I'd be going crazy - so don't feel alone, because I think I already do a lot of crazy without taking extras.

Anyway... I'm jealous your having a boy. That's what we wouldn't mind, but we think it's probably a girl. Which wouldn't be a problem for ME (but for my husband, yes) because there are a awful lot of cute girl clothes. :)

Don't buy maternity clothes. Just invest in some of those bella bands that will hold your undone pants up. And wear lots of sweats - you work from home, right?

Ah Sue, how I've missed you! I hope that bird finds someone else to annoy in the mornings!

Bloggy baby shower? Awesome idea. Beg/borrowing/stealing from friends and neighbours also works well. Also, I never once paid full price for any of my baby or maternity clothes. Thrift stores, yard sales, and half-price end of season clearance is the way to go. Good luck!

I hate maternity clothes. The first pregnancy made it seem kind of fun - a new wardrobe! But then I realized how temporary it all was - and how I looked nothing like the Pea in a Pod models and it all went downhill from there.

The bird story totally reminds me of an episode of friends. You know the one? With Phoebe and her boyfriend? In bed? Okay, I'll just refresh your memory. A bird wakes them up and the boyfriend busts out his gun (he's a Police Officer- I think) and shoots the bird. Phoebe breaks up with him over it. I am sensing you would have given him a standing ovation!

maternity clothes bite. Most of my stuff this time was just XL regular clothes. They have so much drapey tenty flowy stuff now. The few pieces I did buy I got at Ross on clearance for 3 bucks.

As for baby clothes I have some serious issues. There is no reason why they should be that expensive. It costs more to dress my children than it does me. And they only wear the freaking clothes for a couple of months. The clearance is never as good. I can get a pair of pants for less than 5 bucks at Target but the baby stuff is always more. There is less fabric, why is it so much. I really HATE buying clothes. We have a lot of DI trips.

With nothing to do after I retire in one month...ONE MONTH...ONE....(oops, this is YOUR blog), I'll have lots of time to visit the outlet mall, and now a real reason to be there. And with Mothers' Day just around the corner, how can you not manage to snag least one new maternity outfit?

I hate the woodpecker so much that I am revising my formerly rigid ban on all guns in the house. I mean, for the longest time, I wouldn't even let my kids have SQUIRT GUNS. Now, an Uzi with a woodpecker painted on the scope would really come in handy.

Oh the days when you can blame your crankiness on pregnancy... It's sort of nice having a reason to take naps all day long and yell at everyone around you and go back for thirds at the ward party buffet. Not that I would want to be pregnant again, but you have to admit, there are perks.

I really needed a chuckle today. Thanks for blogging. I wouldn't worry too much about your underwear showing, by that time it will be riding nicely on top of or below your belly. I did the 'why would I buy maternity garments?' with the first one.

Aw, Sue.A boy! Boys are super fun.And you know, once I had a pregnancy that was so hard that I went around RUEING THE FREAKING DAY that sperm met egg and the resulting kid? JOY OF MY HEART. It'll all be okay.

Shoooot... all of Henry's clothes are spoken for by a set of boy-o twins, but I love to buy widdle suities... so a bloggershower would be rockin!

...and on the TMI tip, I got MY c-sec plus a tubal last December and so far everything has been fine. But now am stressed and freaked by the idea of a surgically induced menopause. Great. Something new to google.

I hear ya (as well as the bird ) birds, not my favorite ---especially NOT in the mornings. Hey, once upon a time I knew someone who couldn't afford maternity cloths either, and they just cut a hole in the stomach area of their skirts and pants --for the baby bulge, and wore a big tent type shirt. it worked . JUST SAYING. I would never mock you

We have these huge crow-like birds that tap dance on our tin roof in the wee hours and make SUCH a racket. I whack the broom handle against the roof to scare them, but they always come back. I think the neighbor is throwing breadcrumbs up there or something.

As for the maternity wear, am I the only one who shops at thrift stores? You can find some comfy jeans there, you really only need a couple of pairs. I went through my pregnancies with two maternity jeans, a pair of sweats and my hubby`s oversized t-shirts.

I think an e-shower would be awesome! I`ll send something cute from Guatemala if you do it.

Can you say Deseret Industries?? For the maternity clothes...it's a temporary state...big bellied t-shirts from Sam's or Costco. Hang in there. In about 18 or so weeks, you'll be snuggling with your new baby boy wondering what you did to deserve the blessing! In between sleep-deprivation and the damn bird, of course!

Haha! I'm the worst at going to target . no lie. I leave with a hundred dollars worth of stuff that I really don't need every darn time!!!

And those DARN birds!! Ugh!! I have the same problem! Stupid stupid birds that like to start tweeting outside my apartment window the SECOND there is any type of light! I have seriously thought about shooting them with a bb gun before but then it led me to think, could i really take a life? Even a dumb annoying birds life?

I think your insanity inducing singing birdie has a cousin -we'll call him Vinny - that hangs out in the tree in our backyard. I mean what the heck is there to sing about in the freakin dark - little pest stops singing riiiight about sunrise - dang bird is broken. He's been assigned to me by GOD so I'll pray more - I just know it!

I always thought I was the only one who hated morning birds singing. But back in the days where I actually got to sleep in, nothing pissed me off more than the cheerful chirping of a bird in the morning. I would fill with rage, RAGE, in 2 seconds flat and want to hurt someone (or somebird). Glad to know it's not just me. Oh, and may I suggest a sling shot?

I was hoping you would do the labrador conveyance and post some pictures. I laughed throughout this post. Good luck with the clothes. One handy thing I bought was a belly elastic tube thingy that made it look like I was wearing a white shirt underneath my 10-sizes-too-small shirts and covered my underwear. It was a good $8 investment.

Dear girl, with your following, you are bound to find as much mail sent to your server as Jimmy Stewart got when he went to Washington; yours will be all baby things and maternity shirts, without doubt. Too bad we don't have those Star Trek things that can turn old rhetoric into newly constituted molecular matter.

We had a pair of those black and white crow things once who did your robin gig - no tweetie, tweetie to it, all shrieks and caws and fighting, same time, same place. Yeah. I thought a lot about guns in those days.

Your blog makes me laugh out loud! I've been lurking forever. I finally made the move to follow. Loved the bird story! I am so not a morning person especially when awoken by a pesky tweeting crazy bird! Maybe you should get a cat. Mine seems to get annoyed by pesky tweeting crazy birds.

When I lived at my parent's house for a stint back in my early twenties, there was this cardinal that would sit in a bush outside the window AT 5 A.M. EVERY MORNING and bang the glass. Over and over and over. Flutter flutter flutter, bang peck bang bang........

I would run to the window and pound like crazy with both fists while screaming. And then it would just come back and do it again.

All that to say, I feel your bird pain.

And I'm really glad you're starting to feel better. I didn't read all the comments, but I'm sure there are loads of people with baby clothes they don't need, ready and willing to ship them off to you. When you're a blogger, you don't need Target at times like these. :)

I think I haven't laughed so hard for a very long time! I hope you enjoy your maternity wear because I think a pregnant person should be able to wear whatever they feel like.

I think that bird you are talking about lives in my tree. He must start here at 4:45 and then head on over to your place. If he knows what is good for him, he will shut up at the pregnant lady's house!

As a teenager, whenever I was upset, plotting, or doing something I shouldn't do there was a bird outside my bedroom window that made the same two note noise that the bird signal does when you cross the street. As if it were singing "warning" in two notes.

Ah yes, the sacrifice to the apparel Gods. That was terrible. Maybe you need a "virtual" baby shower... It's nice that it's summer, you can just wear "maxi" dresses. The only blessed thing about summer maternity, i'm assuming. (I was pregnant in the winter and froze my butt off...i'm never warm.)

Okay. Reminds me of this squirrel who lived in the backyard maple tree for awhile. I am not kidding--he would sit on the branch, staring in the kitchen window at me and hump the branches. Seriously. It was horrific. And then he would taunt the dog by almost letting her catch him and then running away. Horrible animal so I can commiserate.

In Utah Valley you should be able to find lots of gently used maternity clothes as well as baby clothes. But, I like the e-shower idea too! If you get like I did by the 9th month all you'll fit in is a tent anyways, so buy a cute sheet and cut a hole in the top for a head :) And, we have woodpecker. Lots of fun. I feel your pain.

You are hilarious! What an incredible talent you have for writing. I wish I were so fortunate...then again maybe I am considering that I'm not pregnant. I know how you feel dealing with an unexpected pregnancy. I've had two of those and it can be rough getting used to the idea. Best of luck to you and I'll keep reading your stuff. It's WELL WORTH MY TIME.

I know just how you feel...but I didn't give away my maternity clothes because I had friends that I loaned them to, and got them back when I "happened" to get preg yet again. It's pretty "mormon" I suppose that some of my maternity clothes were stylish enough for my married daughter to use. That's what happens when you have a baby that you are nursing (literally) while said daughter was trying on WEDDING DResses! Thankfully I was/am done FINALLY.:~D

u really hate this bird as well as i do after reading this! their annoying and i was enraged with hate for this one bird out of millions this one bird made me hate it becasue of ur story now thts what i call a good story! enjoyed it much thanks for the rage, hatred and laughs!