The world’s most fascist toy?

In which I purchase a one-eyed alien policeman.

The Amazon UK user review convinced me: "If you only buy one totalitarian themed toy this year, make sure it's this one." Who could say no? So I plunked down my £5.62 plus international shipping, and last week a package bearing a UK customs declaration showed up at my door in Chicago.

Inside was Wenlock, the creepiest Olympic mascot I have ever seen, decked out as an androgynous police officer with hands behind its back. I pulled the cyclopean oddity from its packaging, removed the plastic shell, and gazed upon a plastic figurine which was, admittedly, a bit smaller than it had appeared in photos. The giant unblinking eye gazed upon me as I tried to pull Wenlock loose—without success—from its stand. Turning the package over, I saw that Wenlock had both its feet secured to the base with screws. When I removed these and set it free at last upon my desk, Wenlock revealed its fatal weakness: it was unbalanced and could never stand unaided. It crashed promptly to the ground.

Secure in Sauron's panopticon

Wenlock and Mandeville became the official mascots of this year's games, their design more than a bit reminiscent of the aliens Kodos and Kang from The Simpsons. For an event celebrating human achievement, they are about the most inhuman things one could imagine (Wenlock even sports a small tail). Such official mascots, usually tending toward the animal or the alien, have become common as Olympic organizers work to avoid excluding any gender, ethnic group, or skin color, but it reached a new level of odd when they decided to kit out Wenlock and Mandeville in various UK costumes, such as those belonging to "Beefeaters," the Queen's Guard, and the police. The effect is nightmarish, with Police Officer Wenlock being perhaps the most fascistic of the bunch.

I am not alone in noting this; 102 reviewers took to Police Officer Wenlock's Amazon.co.uk page to rate this unwitting tribute to the surveillance state. They tagged the toy with the phrases "1984," "secure beneath the watchful eyes," "panopticon," "Eye of Sauron," "imagine a boot stamping on a human face," and, err, "dildo."

But it was the reviews that caught my eye. Few individuals can do much to affect a machine as powerful as LOCOG—the London organizing committee for the games—and its corporate sponsors, but in the great tradition of satirists everywhere, people can still take literary potshots at the powerful. Take it away, anonymous Brits:

Delighted to welcome Wenlock to my family of fascist playthings. He takes pride of place in my replica Guantanamo camp standing atop the search tower alongside My Little Stalin. Oh how we laugh when he and Uncle Joe round up the gypsies, homosexuals and those of a non white persuasion and give them the old spa treatment with the garden hose. Gosh what larks.

And:

The UK knows that giant, unblinking eyes give people a sense of calm and security.

Frankly, this [delightful] piece of [loveliness] is the most [amazing] thing I've ever bought. My human rights have been [enriched] on a daily basis since this arrived. Fortunately my wife and kids managed to [temporarily take a holiday] from the house, but when I tried to leave he [cuddled] me so hard I had dizziness and blurred vision for 3 days. He is now forcing me to live on a diet of sponsor approved food which is [delicious] and I've put on [lean athletic muscle mass] so my clothes don't fit. I'm wearing an Adidas Lycra skinsuit whilst I type this. You may not even read this as he's been monitoring and [improving] all of my communications.

And:

Well, I did purchase this item, and I can happily report that it is every bit as sinister as it appears. It is in fact the 21st Century equivalent of the infamous 'Monkey's Paw', that dread talisman that grants wishes at the expense of the owner's happiness. My wish was that [London mayor] Boris Johnson be stuck on a zip wire above Victoria Park.

And:

Imagine my glee when Wenlock came in the post, as my nephew's birthday was the next day... At his birthday party, my nephew opened the present, and put it in the pile of the other toys so he could play with his friends. Unfortunately, we placed Wenlock in front of the refreshments table, and disastrously we had Pepsi instead of Coca-Cola, the official beverage of the games. Wenlock started beeping, and started saying "sponsorship error" over and over again.

And then the lights went out in the village hall. Riot squads starting rappelling through the windows. Pandemonium struck. Tear gas was used on the children, lest they run away and give a bad impression of the Olympics.

And:

[The product tagline] "Hello, I'm Wenlock! Don't I look smart in my police officer's uniform?" is missing the suffix of "as I beat you to death with my truncheon."

I was going to buy this to burn, but the Thinkpol rumbled me and I'm now facing life imprisonment for thought crimes against the state.

And:

This is a very educational product. The bloodless, cyclopean eye of the law stares unblinking from below the steel helm, the lipless mouth unflinching. If you want the little gals'n'guys to learn early (and learn well) about the surveillance state, don't go past little Bobby Wenlock.

Alternatively you could avoid this made-in-China crap like the plague, and get out of the capital for the duration of the corporate shillfest, and drink some red wine with good friends while comparing notes on who to put up against the wall-with-missiles-on-top when the revolution comes.

Finally, some of the criticism is more direct:

What a proud moment for the world of contrived, committee-built, focus-grouped-to-hell major event marketing merchandise.

So why did I buy one? Precisely because of its one-eyed creepiness. As a former PhD student in English Renaissance literature, I find much to love about the UK and am fascinated by its history. As a technology writer who has just wrapped up a book on how the Internet is policed, I'm also conscious of just how invasive online surveillance has become. Police Officer Wenlock combines both pieces of my life, and does so in a way that—as a bonus!—reminds me how making the police objects of fear and distrust changes their relationship with society. (Would you ask Police Officer Wenlock to point you in the direction of Marble Arch?)

So my unbalanced Officer Wenlock sits watching me from within his plastic shell on my bookshelf, watched over in turn by the ghost of George Orwell, who once wrote, "Every line of serious work that I have written since 1936 has been written, directly or indirectly, against totalitarianism and for democratic socialism, as I understand it. It seems to me nonsense, in a period like our own, to think that one can avoid writing of such subjects. Everyone writes of them in one guise or another."

Promoted Comments

And there is Eric Blair's great tragedy, that he saw so much but couldn't come to realize the contradiction of the phrase 'democratic socialism.'

You really haven't read 'The Road to Wigan Pier', have you?

Incidentally, I was a Primary Teacher for a spell. I had to teach an Olympics project to my class this year and I have to say that I was impressed with the fact that the pupils all knew the names of the mascots. Quite frankly, these are the oddest mascots I've ever seen. If you've ever been to a theme park and wanted to punch a fully-grown adult in a Mickey Mouse Costume, I do not recommend approaching the Olympic Park.

Such official mascots, usually tending toward the animal or the alien, have become common as Olympic organizers work to avoid excluding any gender, ethnic group, or skin color, but it reached a new level of oddcomplete and utter fucking stupidity

And there is Eric Blair's great tragedy, that he saw so much but couldn't come to realize the contradiction of the phrase 'democratic socialism.'

You really haven't read 'The Road to Wigan Pier', have you?

Incidentally, I was a Primary Teacher for a spell. I had to teach an Olympics project to my class this year and I have to say that I was impressed with the fact that the pupils all knew the names of the mascots. Quite frankly, these are the oddest mascots I've ever seen. If you've ever been to a theme park and wanted to punch a fully-grown adult in a Mickey Mouse Costume, I do not recommend approaching the Olympic Park.

That's exactly what is happening, and I always give kudos to Amazon for letting all the silly reviews stay up.

Honestly, there's nothing intrinsically "fascist" about a policeman toy- weird alien or not. People keep using that word and I do not think they know what it means. My grandfather fought real fascism toe to toe. He could give you an earful about it. Well, if he were still alive...

And that poster is awesome, although probably not in the way the artists intended. Or maybe it was the intent? Hmm.

As a former PhD student in English Renaissance literature, I find much to love about the UK and am fascinated by its history.

[Cue obligatory Francis Walsingham reference] Then you'd know that we English have been up to this sort of crypto-fascist bullshit for a long time now.

I never paid much attention to the Locog promotional junk, which meant I got a bit confused when some lunatic in a stupid costume went running around after Usain Bolt - 'I thought security was meant to be tight, why haven't they jumped on this guy and stopped him bothering the winners?'

Great writing Nate! I particularly liked this,"Turning the package over, I saw that Wenlock had both its feet secured to the base with screws. When I removed these and set it free at last upon my desk, Wenlock revealed its fatal weakness: it was unbalanced and could never stand unaided. It crashed promptly to the ground."

Without socialism, there is no democracy. Without taxes on the rich, the economy is centralized into fewer and fewer hands and becomes unstable. Just compare the aughts in the US to the 50s and 60s. I was never a fan of big government, but the numbers don't lie. Cutting taxes on the rich doesn't create jobs or businesses. Taxes and unions made our domestic economy work, the rich hoarding money and playing politics like a banana republic hasn't worked.

I mean it's great that taxes are at their lowest in decades and we can make our children pay for the world's largest military spending and all, but if you haven't noticed, the middle class and small businesses are disappearing as they pay monopolists more and more in bills than they ever paid in taxes. Because monopoly markets don't have progressively structured payments. There's a reason we built highways with government funding, made highways and roads freely available, tightly controlled the banks and our economy was the best in the world for multiple decades. Unequal societies aren't democratic and they aren't good at keeping people employed.

We are living in a totalitarian state, edging ever closer to the US with its unconstitutional Patriot Act. The UK government banned the use of words, like London and 2012 at the request of rich corporate Olympic sponsors like McDonalds who should be publicly shamed for trying to jump on the health and athleticism bandwagon with their fatty foods.

Who wouldn't want to fuck the police, metaphorically speaking. A bunch of pigs whose violence led to the riots last year and this (sex) toy reminds us that every street has CCTV on it and we live in a Panopticon. It is no small wonder that so many teenagers hide their faces with scarves and hoodies. We have a right to privacy and terrorists will always find a way around these repressive government measures. Can't anyone see that the medicine is worse than the disease? Both the UK and US governments are terrorists, abroad (with their illegal wars), and at home (staring with an unblinking eye into all of our personal lives and online footprints). Don't be surprised if you don't hear from me for a while...

Without socialism, there is no democracy. Without taxes on the rich, the economy is centralized into fewer and fewer hands and becomes unstable. Just compare the aughts in the US to the 50s and 60s. I was never a fan of big government, but the numbers don't lie. Cutting taxes on the rich doesn't create jobs or businesses. Taxes and unions made our domestic economy work, the rich hoarding money and playing politics like a banana republic hasn't worked.

I mean it's great that taxes are at their lowest in decades and we can make our children pay for the world's largest military spending and all, but if you haven't noticed, the middle class and small businesses are disappearing as they pay monopolists more and more in bills than they ever paid in taxes. Because monopoly markets don't have progressively structured payments. There's a reason we built highways with government funding, made highways and roads freely available, tightly controlled the banks and our economy was the best in the world for multiple decades. Unequal societies aren't democratic and they aren't good at keeping people employed.

Well, eventually your national debt will lead to wholesale devaluation of your currency, imports will be too expensive, your labor will become relatively cheap, and things will be manufactured in your country again, leading to jobs, jobs, JOBS! Of course all of this will happen after the impoverishment of your economy and people, so problem solved!