Following the first sold-out game in FSU men’s basketball history, an unpaid marketing intern working within the FSU athletic department thinks he’s found the cause: an ambiguous advertisement that seemed to associate Coach Hamilton’s men’s basketball team with a performance of Hamilton: The Musical at the Civic Center. Instead of seeing a Tony-bound musical set to define an entire generation, attendees were subjected to a 74-72 loss to Pittsburgh.
“I have no clue how that happened. Honestly, I’m just focusing on making Boris Bojanovsky take mid-range jumpers when he’s clearly not comfortable even standing out on the court,” said FSU head coach Leonard Hamilton, who does NOT also star in the play adaptation based on the 2004 biography of Alexander Hamilton. “I just came here to make sure our basketball team can somewhat consistently miss the NCAA tournament and then do sort of okay in the NIT. That’s where my priorities lie.”

The real villain of the event was in fact not King George III as played by Broadway superstar Jonathan Groff, but was actually the distance from the three point line to the rim; an enemy that only one or two of our players can seem to overcome with any reasonable consistency.

Even though the theatre kids were disappointed that they didn’t see an off-Broadway performance of the play, some of them seemed to enjoy the environment of the basketball game regardless. “It was everything I love as a theatre kid: lots of people being way too extra, drinking interspersed with snippets of Maroon 5 songs and some excellent acting jobs by some of the big men under the hoop in order to try to gain sympathy!” said theatre major and film school reject Jason Mickelson. “I’m just excited for the next time we play Miami. Fuck Miami and fuck the film school!”