Monday, December 31, 2012

Greetings, folks! And welcome to the end of 2012. We did it. We survived another year without completely nuking ourselves into oblivion. Way to go, humanity! And, while that stands as a marked achievement of the past year, a lot of other cool stuff happened too. Here's a list of some of the highs... but mostly the lows.

1. Shockingly, the world didn't end. Again. But that didn't stop a lot of people from going into panic. I mean, hey, who would listen to someone like the brilliant astrophysicist Neil deGrasse Tyson insisting the world would be okay when you can misinterpret the calendar system of an ancient people that believed if you looked through a mirror that monsters could pull you through to the Otherworld?

But worry not, doomsayers, because just like last year was supposedly the end of the world thanks to misinterpreted Biblical calculations (Harold Camping), and this year was the end of the world thanks to a misinterpreted calendar (Mayans), next year will no doubt bring another arbitrary doomsday spawning from a ridiculously non-credible source. Who will it be? The Illuminati? The Westboro Baptists? Cryogenically frozen Space Hitler thawed out from the surface of the moon and sent back in time to kill us all? Stay tuned!

2. In January, a group of men old enough to remember when "your grandpappy was knee-high to a grasshopper", aka the US House of Representatives, tried to pass the SOPA and PIPA bills in an attempt to censor something they clearly don't understand, the Internet.

Thankfully, neither bill passed, because it's amazing what happens when us lazy people of the Internet rally together for something we truly care about. You hear that, Kony 2012?

3. While a handful of Americans were foolishly being distracted by the goings-on of the U.S. Presidential election, the rest of the world was transfixed on the emergence of 2012's real star: Honey Boo Boo. Move out of the way Michelle Obama, because obesity is not only here to stay... it's freakin' fabulous.

Yes, the world likes to say that they're laughing at her, not with her, but this fat, smelly little walking heart-attack makes $50,000 an episode. Meanwhile, I didn't even make $50,000 all year. So who's truly laughing last?

4. In August, NASA sent a Rover up to explore Mars. He's sent us back some great photographs, but as someone who doesn't know a whole lot about science, I still cannot understand how a Mars Rover took all those pictures without an opposable thumb.

Such is the beauty and the mystery of science.

5. Chris Brown and Rihanna got back together, proving that an angry fist can only drive "true love" apart for so long. Sure, their music may suck, but I foresee a ton of "big hits" in their future.

6. The zombie apocalypse became a huge deal, with many people creating their own plans for the rise of the undead. As for us, we combined #5 and #6, because if zombies emerged we'd have Chris Brown on our side in a heartbeat. We're safe because he won't hit a man, but the zombies sure aren't; who else is going to bash all those girl zombies?

7. Snooki bred. Because if there's one thing this world needs, it's more of her running around.

8. We learned a few things about Prince William and the royal family. First, that he defied all odds and impregnated his beautiful wife, which is definitely cause for worldwide celebration and 20 page news stories. Secondly, we learned that Princess Kate is good at making pancakes. No wait, those were just her boobs when a French tabloid made a huge deal out of photographing her topless.

Really though, the fact that either of those became such big "news" was truly sad, and after seeing 20+ page spreads about both of these so-called stories, it begged the eternal question, "Who gives a fuck?"
So needless to say... not a lot happened this year. Extremely uneventful. But maybe next year will be more exciting, eh? Either way, both of us wish you a very Happy New Year, and we hope that 2013 brings you as much drunken fun as it will surely bring us.
What was your favorite memory of 2012?

Yeah, nothing happened in 2012...you guys didn't realize like 5 books or anything. haha. I have no words for your recap of the year---it's both depressing and upsetting...why? You forgot about my hillbilly handfishing, gator hunting, and duck call making messes that I love. lol.

Happy New Year, Bryan and Brandon. I hope 2013 provides more blog fodder for you-I have a feeling it will.

A lovely year it was indeed. Also, your depiction of Honey Boo Boo? Spot on. She needs to go, though. And so does her family. It won't be long before they started attracting the earth instead of the earth attracting them.

"5. Chris Brown and Rihanna got back together, proving that an angry fist can only drive "true love" apart for so long. Sure, their music may suck, but I foresee a ton of "big hits" in their future."

This paragraph made me laugh uncontrollably but all of these were awesome, the fact that Snooki reproduced was a big deal this year says bad things about society though and the same for Kim Kardashian going into 2013.

I had never heard of Honey Boo Boo. I mean, I kinda heard the name in passing but thought that the person speaking was just a moron. They were but that's beside the point. That said, my 2012 is now complete that you explained her to me. Thank you for that. I think

I forgot about SOPA and PIPA. That would have really sucked, but they never had much of a chance. Too many internet people out there who did not like the idea because we understand and like the internet.

Other than that, things were actually kinda boring. I'm not really complaining though since, you know, the world is still around and stuff.

Well, hope you didn't want to go to England because that depiction of Kate assures a lifetime ban. It's like depicting the prophet Mohammed but for British people. Also, I'm getting on the bandwagon and predicting the end of the world. According to my studies of ancient mole people paintings, the world will end in 2013! Proof? It's the first year of the new millennium with four unique numbers! Air tight.

Maybe next year the Westboro Baptist Church members will drink the Kool-Aid when the predict the end. Wouldn't that be great? In the meantime, I'll settle for world peace and a $1 million donation to my work...

In the real world, watching people who voted for the Messiah (yet again) finally come to the realization that life is about to go severely downhill for the next four years. That, and seeing Westboro getting a dose of their own medicine when their website was hacked by Anonymous.

Bahahaha! Love the camel toe on Snooki- having the pleasure of living at the Jersey Shore, has unfortunately left me with the "pleasure" of seeing the live version of that, walking down on our boardwalk.

Excellent year-in-review, and Happy New Year! I suppose we should be thankful that there wasn't all that much to report on in 2012. Hopefully, 2013 will be just as uneventful... unless the coming events include time travel or something equally cool.

If Space Hitler dethaws, he and the Westboro nutcases can fight it out to the death. Westboro crazies gotta hate Europeans right? And Hitler hates hillbillies more than the Jews, so I figure... win win?

And your Mars Rover, that tickled me way more than it probably should have.