Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Deet to the Ox PART III

Hallucinations are fascinating. In all my years of drinking and all my attempts at sobriety I had never, until that moment, experienced them. In fact, in an odd way, I feared them. But I came to realize that they were quite comforting. I mean, John Lennon singing George Michael is not a terrible way to spend an afternoon, no matter how batshit crazy it might be. If you’re going to lose your mind, it might as well be tripping to some enjoyable tunes.

A detox, for those not in the know, is a place where people go to safely detoxify their bodies of alcohol and/or drugs. The legal substance, alcohol, is, ironically, the most dangerous to detox from. Though detoxing from other drugs makes you feel as though you are dying, detoxing from alcohol can actually kill you. Any number of things can happen and given the fact that I was hallucinating I began to worry that other variables such as seizures or aneurysms might be next.

“You got a girl, Jon?”

“No Jack”

Please shut up, please shut up!

“Aw, that’s your problem, Jon. You need a girl. I got me a girl back home in Trenton and she is one fine woman. Plus I get laid whenever I want!”

Oh God! Please shut up! Where did John and George go? Shit! They left! It’s just Jack and me.

“Well I don’t have a girl, Jack”

And the thought of you getting laid all you want is making me nauseas once again so shut the hell up!

“You mean to tell me with all those fine women in New York, you can’t find just one”.

No, what I mean to tell you Jack is that if I have to hear you talk one more second I may take one of those thousands of colored pencils you have and jam it into my neck. SHUT UP!

“I’m not much interested in finding a girl, Jack”

“Shit! I figured it out. You’re a…a….”

Don’t say it, Jack! Whatever you are thinking, keep it to yourself.

“You’re a playa! You play all those girls in the city. I bet you get laid by a different girl every night. Aw, man! Hey Paulie, Jon’s a playa!”

Never mind that Paul was no where nearby. I learned quickly that Jack could have a conversation with someone whether they were there or not.

“Actually, Jack, I’m gay. I don’t have a girl because I don’t want a girl. And with all due respect I would ask that you leave me alone for a while”

“You’re gay? Hey Paulie, Jon’s gay! How do you know you’re gay?”

“Cause that’s what my blood work said Jack. The doctor said I was type O with a trace of gay! How the hell do you think I know, Jack? The same way you know you’re straight. YOU JUST KNOW”

“Whoa, calm down there Princess. It was just a question”

“No, ‘where are you from?’ is just a question. ‘How do you know you’re gay’ is an idiotic, moronic question. Even for a guy from Trenton”

“You got a problem with Trenton, Mr. New York City? Cause I’ll tell you somethin’, that city’s a pain in the ass”

“No, what’s a pain in the ass is that I got stuck with a roommate that won’t shut up. That’s the pain in the ass! Please just be quiet for the rest of the night and we can resume this conversation in the morning”