A pathetic guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink
for half an hour when this big trouble-making truck driver steps
next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig.

The poor little guy starts crying. "Come on man, I was just giving
you a hard time," says the truck driver.
"I'll buy you another drink...I just can't stand to see a man
crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy between sobs.
"I can't do anything right...I overslept and was late to an important
meeting, so my boss fired me...when I went to the parking lot,
I found my car was stolen and I have no insurance...I grabbed a cab
home but, after the cab left, I discovered my wallet was still in the
cab...at home I found my wife in bed with the gardener...then I came
to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life...
and you show up and drink the damn poison.

A pathetic guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink
for half an hour when this big trouble-making truck driver steps
next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig.

The poor little guy starts crying. "Come on man, I was just giving
you a hard time," says the truck driver.
"I'll buy you another drink...I just can't stand to see a man
crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy between sobs.
"I can't do anything right...I overslept and was late to an important
meeting, so my boss fired me...when I went to the parking lot,
I found my car was stolen and I have no insurance...I grabbed a cab
home but, after the cab left, I discovered my wallet was still in the
cab...at home I found my wife in bed with the gardener...then I came
to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life...
and you show up and drink the damn poison.

There was a man who had a monkey as a pet and took the monkey almost everywhere he went. Well one day after a long day at work he decided to go to the local bar and have a few drinks. Well the man walks into the bar with the monkey and sits at the bar. The bartender walks up to the man and explains that the bar doesnt allow animals so the monkey had to leave. The man then explained that he took the monkey everywhere with him and the monkey was trained and well behaved and would sit at the bar beside the man the whole time and wouldnt bother anyone. The bartender reluctantly allowed the man to stay with the monkey and got the man a beer. The man and the monkey stayed a few hours drinking and eating the peanuts at the bar. After a few beers they headed home for the evening. The next day after work the man again decided to go to the bar and have a few drinks and again took the monkey along with him. The bartender again allowed the monkey and also gave the man a compliment on how well behaved the monkey was. Well after a few beers the man had to use the restroom and left the monkey at the bar. While the man went to the bathroom the monkey went over to the pool tables where a few bar regulars were playing pool. The monkey picked up the cue ball from one of the tables not in use and ate the cue ball and returned to the bar just before the man returned from the bathroom. The man then got the tab and went home for the night. Again the next day after work the man went home and got his monkey and went to the bar to enjoy some beer and peanuts. The bartender then noticed the monkey pick up a peanut, insert the peanut into his ***, remove it and eat the peanut. After the monkey repeated this process a few times the bartender asked the man why the monkey was doing that. The man then explained well yesterday he swallowed a cue ball and last night when he went to the bathroom the cue ball almost killed him coming out so now before he eats anything he makes sure it fits in both holes.

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the boys". I told my wife that I would be home by midnight ..promise!

Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down way too easy. At around 2:30 a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself, having a quick-witted solution, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict.

The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I told her twelve o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one!

She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock.

When I asked her why, she said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said "oh ****," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then f@rted."

A woman's husband dies. He had left $30,000 to be used for an elaborate
funeral. After everything is done at the funeral home and cemetery, she
tells her closest friend that "there is absolutely nothing left from the
$30,000."

The friend asks, "How can that be?"

The widow says, "Well, the funeral cost was $6,500. And of course I made a
donation to the church -- that was $500, and I spent another $500 for the
wake, food and drinks -- you know. The rest went for the memorial stone."

a bus full of ugly people crashes and everyone in the bus dies. while awaiting entry into heaven, god tells the group that since they have died in such a suddon horrific accident that he will grant them each one wish. the first person wishes to be beautiful and god makes the first person beautiful. the next person after hearing the first person's wish, also wishes to be beautiful. god also grants that persons wish and moves on. one after the other, everyone is wishing to be beautiful. about half way down the line, god hears some snickering coming from the back. when he gets about 3/4 of the way down, the snickering turns into laughter. when god gets to the end of the line, he sees a man crouched over laughing so hard he can barely breath. when god asks him what his wish is, the man starts to laugh even harder. finally the man is able to compose himself enough to reply "make em all ugly again."

Married 25 years, took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blond.

Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman.

It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman.

She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blond, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed....

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the boys". I told my wife that I would be home by midnight ..promise!

Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down way too easy. At around 2:30 a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself, having a quick-witted solution, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict.

The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I told her twelve o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one!

She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock.

When I asked her why, she said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said "oh ****," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then f@rted."

LMAO! That is so typical ! Lived that. My family is Irish. Ex is from Ireland.

He would actually get up in the morning and have this "I am so proud of myself" look on his face. It was a dead give away. I would look at him, with those Irish eyes, and just laugh at his attempt to get away with what ever it was he did.

Honestly I really didn't mind. I expected the same courtesy when I came home at 4 in the morning... out with the boys all night. ; )

I have a Golden retriever and I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
On impulse, I told her no..........I was starting The Purina Diet again,
although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time,
but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward
with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with
Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry
and that the food is nutritionally complete
so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story,
particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned.
I told her no; it was because I'd been sitting in the street licking my b*lls and a car hit me.
(Copied from an e-mail I recieved, not a true event, hehe)

Starkle starkle little twink
who the hell you are I think
I'm not under what you call the alcofluence of incohol
I'm just a little slort of sheep
I'm not drunk like tinkle peep
I don't know who is me yet but the drunker I stand here, the longer I get
Just give me one more drink to fill me cup
'cuz I got all day sober to Sunday up.

the wild west

Way back in the wild wild west, 2 cowboys were drinking at a saloon when in walked this beautiful dame. She proceeds to the bar and orders a Sars. Upon taking a couple of mouthfuls, she begins to cough and choke.

One of the cowboys walks up to her, lifts her dress, pulls aside her knickers and licks her bum from top to bottom a couple of times.

She stops coughing and choking.

Walking back to his seat, he turns to his drinking partner and says. "Yep, I wanted to try that there hind lick manouvre" : )

Melissa, I sent your joke around the office. This is what I got in reply:

A guy who was in the Air Force had just spent a year tour unaccompanied to Shemya, Alaska. The first night he got home, he exclaimed to his wife, "Honey, I want you to know that I haven't wasted all this time alone. Instead, I've mastered the art of mind over matter. Just watch this!"

And with that he dropped his trousers and shorts and stood before her in his altogether.

"Now watch," he said. Next he said, "Dick, ten-HUT!"

And with that, his dick sprang to full erection. Then he said, "Dick, at EASE!"
And his dick deflated again.

"Wow, that was amazing," said his wife. "Do you mind if I bring our next-door neighbor over to see this? It's really something else!"

The guy responded that he didn't mind at all, since he was proud of what he had accomplished. So the wife goes next door and comes back with a delicious looking woman who got this guy's full attention! After a brief pause to take her in, he said, "Now watch this." Then he said "Dick, ten-HUT!"

And the dick sprang to life. Then it was "Dick, at EASE!"

But nothing happened. So the guy again said, "Dick, at EASE!"

But still nothing happened. So the guy now says, "For the last time, you son-of-a-b!atch, I said AT EASE!!"

Still nothing. Well, the guy was embarassed and ran off to the bathroom. His wife made excuses for him and then joined her husband in the bathroom, where she found him masturbating.

"What in the world are you doing?" she asked.

The guy says, "I'm givin' this son-of-a-b!atch a dishonorable discharge!"