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Thursday, January 7, 2016

Coming clean

The lack of
posting when I swore I was Going to do more has a lot to do with a big epiphany
I had this week. Not only did I have a horrible cold, but eMotionally I was not
me. I spent many hours trapped in myself wOndering how to move forward, how to
go on, how to be happy but mostly I realized: I was not me. I was trapped.

I felt
trapped.

I think
that is the best way to described it. I was trapped. Trapped in a person that
was not me. I was not me. I was a girl obsessed with something that really did
not belong to me, something that was not right for me. I know I seemed happy,
and that was eVerything that people wanted in me. But it was not what I wanted
in myself. I wanted to be the gIrl who had something in common with Holden
Caulfield, (SOMETHING? Lols, everything), I wanted to be the girl who will
write about her feelings, the girl who in one Night could write 3 poems about
how much she hated that girl in her class, I wanted to be the girl who when she
stayed up late it meant long senseless conversation with her friends. Maybe I was not
the briGht girl who will smile at everyone but I knew I was happy, and being
happy was the only thing that matter to me. So this past few months, my blog,
my writing and my whole self, it was not me. It scared me so much. I was hiding
myself. I was hiding my passion to write, I can’t remember the last time I touched
my stories, I can’t remember the last time I had deep conversation with friends
about the universe. I started to realize how scary this was. Why couldn’t I be
me?

Looking back,
I remember not loving that life, but I allowed myself to turn into someone I hated,
I turned into a paper girl and everything was sort of superficial. I was a girl
who will only look forward to the weekend to party, I was a girl who would
listen tO music she hated because everyone liked it, I posted selfies and not
pictures of sunsets, I thought it was stupid that my mind spoke in poetry, I was
the girl who rejected a trip to the town where she had all her best friends for
something silly like a night out. I was in fact a paper girl, living in a paper
town. What I told myself I will never be.

Being honest,
I haven’t been myself in month. I think since arouNd September. It is true that
this past month has been harder. There were days when I would drag myself out
of bed and looked at my closet and could not do it. I couldn’t bring myself to
get dress because I did not feel good enough to do so. I felt like nothing look
good, like everything I wore was going to be criticize. It seems like nothing,
but looking back, it was only getting dress, and I could not do it. A lot of
the memories are coming back to me, like that I had finished eating and just
slide myself to the kitchen floor and wonder “why? Why do I feel so much?” It was
crying at 1am and falling asleep at 3am, only to be awake at 5am and feeling completely
empty and crying more. I hated this girl, who dragged her body, who did not
dress for herself, and who did not allowed herself to just be happy. I remember
asking myself “why do I feel this? Why do I have to feel like this? This is not
how I was supposed to feel.”

Why am I talking
about all this now? Because as I was sitting in my room crying I realized I needed
to pull myself together and get out there. Maybe it was the “I’m shinning like
fireworks over your sad empty town…” from Dear John by Taylor Swift, I realized
I did not need to shut up, I realize I needed to get back to being me, I realize
I did not have to go on crying or tossing and turning at night, I realize one
person was not going to take me down, was not going to take the fun out of me. And
I was starting with this post. Coming clean, not just with my readers but with
everyone who knows personally, to tell them than this months, I was not me, but
I will get back to myself, I promise.

My last
advice for anyone out there who feels like this is: sometimes we lose ourselves,
we transformed ourselves into nasty monsters who we hate, but that is ok,
because in the end we end up finding us, we find who we really want to be and
maybe it is hard, but you’ll understand, we just loose who we are, only to find
ourselves.

(Yes, I did
go all Taylor Swift and her “She lost him, but she found herself, and somehow
that was everything”).