She’s just found out she has herpes. Do I dump her before I get it too?

She’s just found out she has herpes. Do I dump her before I get it too?

Archived

–,
Monday,
February,
21,
2011,(7:22am)

Dear Bossy: I’m a long tumeim a long time reader of your column, and thoroughly enjoy it, and the reader comments (lets see if CTT can provide some comments on this one).

I’ll start with a little background. Im a 33 year old guy, have been in basically long term relationship, after long term relationship. with every partner i have ever entered into a relationship, we have always undergone full STD panel’s and i know i am clean.

Just to add to the informatin for you, all relationships i have been in since 18 have been catastrophe’s, with lazy Gold Diggers, or Manipulative attention seekers, or girls who just basically dont know how to genuinely be in a relationship. in this time i was also married for 5 years, so lets say my experiences have not been good.

A few months ago, i met a girl (lets call her Jenny), and from the moment we went out, i thought “I will marry this girl” everything just seems right, she’s a professional, she’s intelligent, she’s attractive, and she’s also as paranoid about STD’s and all of those nasties that i am, and has only had limited numbers of partners as I have.

So before diving into any unprotected sex etc, we have both gone and received our full STD panels, and i am completely clear. yet this week we received an earth shattering blow when her HSV2 (Genital Herpes) results came back equivocal, so she had a re-test, and yesterday came back positive . now bearing in mind she has never had an outbreak, and always tests with partners before intimacy, she was totally at a loss as to how this could happen.

We spent all last night in bed crying, and going through many different stages of trying to come to terms with it, anger, denial, reasoning, bargaining etc. she is totally devastated, and cannot understand how or why this has happened to her. I am trying to be supportive and by her side, but of course its a very bad situation all around right now.

So now i am left with a real dilema, I actually do love this girl, she is the most amazing lady i have ever met, and i was planning on spending the rest of my life with her, however now with this bomb shell, I dont know what to do?

Does one take a risk for catching a life long STD for someone they love? or does one turn their back on someone they love on what is likely the worst week of her life, and look out for themselves?

I really could use some perspective Bossy.

Sincerely
Worried Man
Perth Australia

Bossy says: I can’t tell you just to dive in a go ahead. Let the course of true love run free… when we all know true love can turn out to be no such thing at all. In a short while Jenny may stop being so ideal and you might break up – and have a lasting reminder of your time together.

Does that mean you shouldn’t get it on? Of course not. The truth is genital herpes is horribly common. If you left, and later hooked up with someone else, there is about a one in six* chance they would be infected too. You may just have to keep dumping suitable women because they are carriers of a very common sexually transmitted disease. * Apologies all for previously saying one in four women. Estimates say one in six Australian women is infected. About one in 12 men.The facts.

If you stay together there is a chance you could be infected - even if you use a condom. And that’s not ideal. You have clearly been vigilant about avoiding STDs in the past. But at the same time HSV2 is only herpes, not HIV. And for many people the worst part about having HSV2 is the social stigma and difficulties in forming relationships because of it - not the disease itself.

My best suggestions would be for you to both go to a clinic where you can get further advice and information and maybe even some general counselling about genital herpes so you are better able to make an informed decision. Together. And hopefully today people who have genital herpes will be able to give you their stories so you can see how they have dealt with this in their lives.

Have Your Say

OP I think you had better read up on herpes. My sister contracted them years ago and if they are not active you are safe from what her GP told her. Her current partner of 15 years has never contracted them.
Don’t let this become a huge problem for you both, you can live with it.
(Says the woman who doesn’t have them but sage advice from sis.) She and her OH are the happiest couple imaginable, regardless of this infliction.

Good response. 15 years eh? Your sister is obviously living her life and hasn’t been dragged off by the circus in its freak show (being light hearted here about the social stigma - no offence intended).

Just wanted to point out: affliction. Not infliction.

devils_advocate replied to Rippa Rita
Mon 21 Feb 11 (12:14pm)

OK, would you dump her if she has cold sores on her lips? Same virus! It’s treatable(not curable) pops up now and then, most of the time you’re totally oblivious to it.
If you love her, go for it!
Are you a true man!???

Chas replied to Rippa Rita
Mon 21 Feb 11 (01:43pm)

devils_advocate replied to Rippa Rita
Mon 21 Feb 11 (01:14pm)
OK, would you dump her if she has cold sores on her lips?

Good point. It is also possible, unlikely but possible, to catch herpes during oral sex if the person doing the work has cold sores.

Mykei replied to Rippa Rita
Mon 21 Feb 11 (01:55pm)

Yeah, that makes complete sense Devils_Advocate. I know I don’t quite feel a real man in the morning until i’ve stuck my d*ck in a nice piece of Herpes!

Truth is Herpes is a Sexually Transmitted Disease/Infection and it is FOR LIFE. I think that he has shown great intelligence and restraint in getting him and his partner tested before sexual activities in his relationship progress, for him to now have feelings for someone who wasn’t so careful is unfortunate, but there are plenty of other fish in the sea and, preferably, ones without genital warts.

Coming back to it, Herpes is a life long disease like diabetes but contagious and it isn’t pleasant when it DOES affect you, which eventually it does. And even if it wasn’t permanent, I wouldn’t sleep with someone with crabs because you can get rid of them eventually, it’s still gross.

I think OP needs to cut and run, there is no shame in backing out of a relationship for health reasons. I think if it’s a problem now it’ll be a problem later, and a pretty big, red & itchy one.

Also I think that statistic would be a lot lower of infected people with herpes if people were as careful as OP.

Mykei~

Reverend Earnest replied to Rippa Rita
Mon 21 Feb 11 (02:02pm)

Understand that I do understand your predicament, young one.

I do think it’s wise that you have regular checks for infections, and it’s to be applauded. However, if you weren’t promiscuous, and practiced abstinence there would be no need to undergo any tests.

A quote for you to ponder.

Corinthians 7:2
But since there is so much immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband.

In today’s world, we too often focus on the “recreation” aspect of sex without recognising that there is another aspect, and that’s procreation. Sex within marriage is pleasurable, and God designed it that way. God wants men and women to enjoy sexual activity within the confines of marriage.

Song of Solomon and several other Bible passages (such as Proverbs 5:19) clearly describe the pleasure of sex. However, the couple must understand that God’s intent for sex includes producing children. Thus, for a couple to engage in sex before marriage is doubly wrong! They are enjoying pleasures not intended for them, and they are taking a chance of creating a human life outside of the family structure God intended for every child.

I will say a prayer for you, my child.

Please think of your future with God.

Marry her replied to Rippa Rita
Mon 21 Feb 11 (02:29pm)

My Mum had Herpes, my Dad didn’t. He still married her. It didn’t kill him, and they had the best marriage I have ever witnessed.

If you love her and you dump her because she has herpes, which isn’t even fatal, then you are a douche and maybe the common denominator to all your horrific reltationships was actually you…

G replied to Rippa Rita
Mon 21 Feb 11 (03:29pm)

Agreed! Herpes is not that bad. It won’t make you infertile, it won’t kill you, yes your chance of contracting HIV through an open sore is more common than normal but otherwise it’s more just uncomfortable WHEN it shows up which can be hardly ever.

Also FYI OP, when most doctors do tests they don’t test for HSV, as it’s part of the blood test which usually people have to ask for, and also not indicative of active symptoms. That’s probably why it’s never shown up in her tests before.

GG replied to Rippa Rita
Mon 21 Feb 11 (06:06pm)

Not true. You are still contagious about 20% of the time without an outbreak. It’s called viral shedding.

oh no, did you go the growl already?? watch out for cold sores. the usual sign of genital herpes is the turkey neck look. has she got that??

dont dump her, most of this stuff can be treated with some antivirals and a bit of common sense. if she gets a flare up just lay off it for a while no big deal. i think youre the reason that your relationships always end bad. here on the point, were all about the person, no skin deep, oh she has a sun spot, i better her dump her. once we find the right kind of girl we will help her through it.

you rant on like someone obsessed with voting labor into power one more time to fix all the problems that dont exist ( global warming, pink bats the BER, the need for desalination in your gf´s case the warts of death ) and completely forget the things that count (fiscal responsibility and getting rid of waste, in your GFs case the wonderful personality.)

get a grip before she dumps you.

absolute wally you are, you wouldnt survive 5minutes at a Point Piper dinner party.

For example, does everyone there accuse people they don’t agree with, no matter what the topic, of being labor voters? Do you go to them all? What sort of kebabs do they have? Does anyone there know how to pack them properly?

Chunks replied to Badly Packed Kebab
Mon 21 Feb 11 (10:22am)

Who can it be now...?

aunty22 replied to Badly Packed Kebab
Mon 21 Feb 11 (11:22am)

Just what I was thinking too, hmmn.

does replied to Badly Packed Kebab
Mon 21 Feb 11 (05:04pm)

this guy attribute anything to anything aside from labor? quite a liberal windbag - and man - its hard to stand out as a douche in that crowd.

I can only think of one thing for me to say that can help. And that is, the fact that you don’t have to make a decision now. So, free yourself from that mindset.

What you need to do is take the time to talk to her about your fears. Tell her: I am scared of getting herpes. I am scared because I don’t know what it means to have herpes. I am sorry for you and wish for your sake you didn’t have to go through this. I don’t know what to do right now. I want to work things out. A part of me doesn’t want to work things out.

You need to open a dialogue with her, and spend an hour chatting with a ‘get out of jail free - I can say what I want without anything biting me on the ass later’ talk. Its what adults do - they talk, they be open, they share their thoughts.

Then give yourself a month. You dont have to have sex RIGHT NOW do you? You dont have to make a decision RIGHT THIS MINUTE do you? No, you have time. Jenny has time. The only right thing to do at this moment is to TALK TO HER. The wrong thing to do would be to throw your hands up in the air, cry its all too hard, then turn tail and whimper off into the sunset.

Then you can both make the decision. Who knows, maybe she won’t want to continue the relationship yet. Maybe she will. Maybe you will come to terms with it and want to continue the relationship, maybe you will want to end it. Either way, the only decision that is best for you that you can make is an informed one. Don’thurry this. You don’t need to. Take your time and deal with it.

If Jenny gets upset, tell her you both have every right to be upset right now because you are dealing with something neither of you expected. Tell her you are not upset with her, you are just trying to deal with a new situation and not make a snap judgement or decision. If she cannot handle that and, in her need, wants you to make a snap judgement - hug her, tell her she is still a beautiful person and that the BOTH of you need time to sort this out in your minds. The decision isn’t just yours. Let her know she still has choices as well. She’s not a bad person, she clearly didn’t know this would happen, and she’s going to be very upset and insecure about her value as a partner to anyone right now. So expect some wild accusations about you not wanting her anymore. The best thing you can do is just remain calm and know that she doesnt mean what she’s saying - she’s just lashing out. Hopefully she will calm down and apologise. If she doesn’t, well this will be an interesting time to see just how you and Jenny could make your relationship work as if it were a real marriage and something horrible came up that you two needed to deal with as a couple.

OP - You are freaked out because Herpes has taken a flying leap smack bang into the middle of your life from out of nowhere. Your reaction is 100% natural. I suspect you will find that as the days go by, and you get your head around it, herpes will seem like a smaller and smaller deal. It sounds like you’re really into this girl, so it’s probably worth giving this relationship a go =)

OP,
As hard as it may be, you need to put your fears aside for a moment and decide whether you truly want to be with this girl. I know it is a shock to the system, my ex had herpes, but I found out too late and now also have it.
She should talk to her GP about treatment options. If she has never had an outbreak, she likely has a “mild” case (as do I) and she should be able to treat it with one tablet a day. I have been taking medication (Valtrex) for four years now and have not suffered an outbreak. My GP told me that as long as I take the Valtrex everyday, I should never have an outbreak - it should be the same for your girl. Having been positively diagnosed, the medication should only cost about $30-$35 a month.
Please also know that if she is not on the medication, although you may be using condoms, it is not a sure-fire way to avoid catching the virus.
Best of luck,

My best friend has herpes and the social stigma that is attached to the disease is by far the worst aspect. She recently divulged this information to a potential sexual partner and asked him whether he had been tested for any STDs. His answer was, “No, I only go out with nice girls.” She looked him square in the face and said, “I’m a nice girl too and caught this off my partner of eight years.” The attitude and ignorance of some people is incredible!

Anyway, I digress… Only you can decide whether this relationship is worth the possibility of being infected. In saying this you MUST be true to your own feelings as any attempt to continue this relationship while having doubts will see you create a situation whereby you break-up anyway. I don’t blame you for being fearful however you should probably do some research on the topic before you make any hasty decisions. And make sure you are truthful with your girlfriend. At the very least she deserves your honesty.

The attitude and ignorance of these people? HAH, I would put that label on the people WITH the herpes. I too have never been with loose women, have never needed an STD test because I know I and they are clean (and I still dont have herpes! incredible!). Only people that whore around one night stands are really at risk. Its not an ‘attitude’ its a lifestyle choice where you actively avoid sluts.

Doesnt matter if you were with your partner for 1000 years, if he was getting around before, or during the relationship, the length of it bears no consequence to how slutty they were previously.

Want to avoid herpes? Stop chalking up slappers. OP, go to the doctor and find out if its reached a stage where transmission is a possibility, if it is, move on dude. Really not worth it.

I can hear all you mills and booners scream ‘oh but theyre in love!’...ok, maybe they are. But that has a better chance of souring than not (its not pesimism its a statistic, and dont say “you dont know them, so how can I tell if theyre in love!?” because the same applies to you), and if she gives you herpes you arent going to think ‘oh well, worth it for the love of my life!’...youll probably harbour at least a little resentment and depression (the groundwork of all good relationships), as you now have a chronic genital disease that in the absolute best scenario has you popping pills daily till the day you die. Not to mention it ruins you for all future partners. Most future partners wont share your compassion, and will move on from you as you should have from her...not worth it. Not worth it.

aunty22 replied to Haggis
Mon 21 Feb 11 (11:27am)

R, you r truly deluded.

Meow replied to Haggis
Mon 21 Feb 11 (12:24pm)

R, if ever there was an infuriating, small-minded human. You have never ‘needed’ an STD test? Do you believe people when they say they are clean? That is how most people find out they have caught things. I myself never ‘needed’ an STD test because I trusted people when they said they were clean. I contracted Herpes 8 years ago. I am not a ‘loose’ woman, and I contracted Type 1 from oral sex. And either is my best friend who her FIRST BOYFRIEND and first sexual partner gave herpes to.
Also, when I informed a friend that I had it, when he was tested he discovered he had chlamydia. He has slept with 3 people, and spent 10 years in 2 relationships. Definately not what you would call ‘loose’.
Stop kidding yourself that you only sleep with ‘clean’ people, herpes does not judge whether you are dirty, clean, virginal or nymphomaniac. Sweet innocent church goers can contract it.
I am disgusted there are still people with your ideas about the world. Wake up.

Mr GG replied to Haggis
Mon 21 Feb 11 (12:35pm)

they all say they’re nice girls, but the facts prove otherwise.
you get an STD by being a dumb slut, if you were smart and virtuous you wouldn’t get an STD.

Agree with R,
you don’t go and buy a car with a problem you know you cant fix. Sorry to say but she is damaged goods, I don’t care if its nice or not it is the facts. She is possibly going to give it to your offspring too, so evolution says it is natural, normal and good for our species to avoid people with STDs.

It is not Ignorance but knowledge that causes this attitude. It might mean your friend is screwed but that doesn’t make it wrong, sometimes people just get dealt a bad hand. Like how does a partner of 8 years can give you herpes? unless your silly enough to let them give it to you (like you suggest for OP) or they were cheating on you (girls that like Dipsh!ts and Playas, it their own fault/ bad luck)

Kate replied to Haggis
Mon 21 Feb 11 (12:42pm)

r, you’re a complete wally.

Andrew replied to Haggis
Mon 21 Feb 11 (12:46pm)

Wow, r, you’re such an idiot. You ‘know’ you’re clean but you’ve never been tested? Only people who whore around are at risk? Perhaps you should educate yourself a little more before saying dumb things in public.

Herpes has two forms, type 1 which is generally oral, and type 2 which is generally genital. I say generally because there are about 5-10% of cases that AREN’T in the usual spots, ie type 2 infection of the mouth and vice versa. So if you’ve ever kissed somebody, or shared their water bottle, you can catch EITHER type of herpes around the mouth. And if you then go ‘down south’ with your ‘nice girl who’s not loose’, then viola, she has herpes! Not incredibly likely, but far from impossible. Most sufferers show no symptoms at all, or have flareups very infrequently, so wouldn’t even know they have it.

Newsflash #2, it’s ALWAYS transmissible, regardless of what ‘stage’ it is in. Yes, transmission is a million times more likely during an outbreak (and the worst outbreak usually occurs immediately after contracting it the first time), but it’s possible that viral shedding can cause transmission at any times, regardless of symptoms.

I’d love to give YOU a full STI screen, and then watch the look on your face when something nasty and unexpected pops up..

J replied to Haggis
Mon 21 Feb 11 (01:11pm)

For the love of Christ PLEASE tell me you are a troll, noone that is dumb and arrogant enough to actually believe what you just wrote can exist surely?

If you are are a troll: You are a very sad boring person

If you are real: You are a very sick individual get some help

nescient replied to Haggis
Mon 21 Feb 11 (01:29pm)

R - you’re a douche. You’ve never had an STD test? Are you kidding me? You can have an STD and not even know it.

I will admit that i’m one of those “slappers” you talk about. But you know what, I get tested as often as I can to make sure that I’m aware of it. You my friend are not aware of what you may have.. You could very well be HIV positive and not know it. Wake up and smell the roses - go get tested. The two friends that I have that have STDs have had 2 and 3 sexual partners in their entire lives (now in their mid 30s). So go get a test before you infect these “clean” women that have the displeasure of knowing you.

Oh and don’t forget, people are great at lying. Just because they say they’re clean doesnt mean they are.

douche.

Lynne replied to Haggis
Mon 21 Feb 11 (01:40pm)

r, your attitude is disgusting.

Have you ever considered that those ‘slappers’ maybe aren’t the ones ‘whoring’ around? Haggis’ friend for example, caught it off her partner of eight years. How’s being with somebody for eight years whoring around? Of course, if the partner is having one night stands, it’s easy for the ‘innocent party’ to catch something but let’s be honest, which cheating partner usually voluntarily tells his OH that he’s cheating on her unless he gets caught?

You’ve never been tested, huh? All the girls you go out with are clean and you know that without them being tested? What are you? Psychic? There’s quite a few STDs that can go perfectly unnoticed for a long time due to lack of symptoms or be mistaken for something else. Unless you’re going out with 14 year old virgins (which I seriously hope you’re not) you have no guarantee other than a proper test to know if you or the other person are a carrier of an STD or not.

Let’s face it, also one of those ‘clean’ girls could’ve picked it up from a previous supposedly ‘clean’ partner who either didn’t tell her he had it or cheated on her behind her back. Now, where does that leave you?

lemonaid replied to Haggis
Mon 21 Feb 11 (02:42pm)

I’ve had one sexual partner; he had three long term relationships before me (with “nice” girls). Imagine our suprise after 15 years of marriage when a cyst on my cervix turned out to be HPV. It’s incredible how easily judgements are passed about what consititutes a “nice” girl these days. I obviously would not qualify.

sez replied to Haggis
Mon 21 Feb 11 (03:55pm)

So you’re saying, that if I contracted herpes of my first parter, who got it from his first partner - that I am now a ‘loose slapper’ and guys shouldn’t waste their time with me.

Wow. You’re a full douche.

Moo replied to Haggis
Mon 21 Feb 11 (06:41pm)

Mr GG, you are an idiot. Plain and simple.

A friend of mine waited till her wedding night to have sex after 3 years of dating the same guy. Guess what she got for her wedding gift? An STD.

Now you can’t tell me she’s a slapper. A virgin on her wedding night is not a slapper or a dumb slut.

Go climb back under your rock please, you are bacteria. Of the sexually transmitted kind.

Wow, mate, that’s a toughy. Here’s a question for you though - what would you do if this “girl you really love” had an horrific car accident (touch wood) and ended up confined to a wheelchair?

Mate, Herpes isn’t a life sentence, and “breaking up” with her over it is just cowardly. I think you know that, which is why you’re seeing if CTT and the other trolls on here can justify what you WANT to do, rather than what your conscious is TELLING you to do.

You know it’d be wrong, so you’re hoping just enough people tell you it’s okay. Well, sorry bucko, but I left my compassion in my nice, warm bed this morning so all you get is the hard truth.

Love is love - you love no matter what. Love means putting her needs first, because her life adds wonderful things to yours.

By all means, keep the salami in the fridge for a while if you think it’ll help, but if you’re so seriously led around by the prong that you need to dump a girl because she has a common malady that you think is icky, then you’re going to grow old to be a very lonely, sad old fapper.

To say “If your not happy to be with someone with an STD then your going to live a sad lonely life”

Seriously, Men have this thought in their heads ?
Having a relationship with a girl that doesnt have an STD isnt a realistic request ?

And i’ll let someone else touch on the whole:
“Im in love with her but have yet to have sex”

Lauren replied to Mahhrat
Mon 21 Feb 11 (11:12am)

Fantastic response Mahhrat that totally puts it perspective.

If he’s not willing to stand by her with something as relatively insignificant as herpes, she deserves better.

You can’t guarantee in life that things will go smoothly and neither of you will be ever injured or ill… and what then? Are you going to move on because of how her illness/injury affects you? How selfish.

Dan replied to Mahhrat
Mon 21 Feb 11 (11:19am)

+1

For all your vigilance, OP, you are woefully uneducated about STIs. I think you need to do some reading.

Mahhrat replied to Mahhrat
Mon 21 Feb 11 (11:42am)

BroG, I’m not the one who’s “in love” with a lass you’ve only known a few months. Sure, it happens that fast often, but if this is enough to shake that “love” to the point of asking complete strangers whether or not he should break it off with her…

I mean, what’s the justification for asking? My thought is that he WANTS to but is scared he’d be judged as a shallow, sex-starved moron who’s only in it for the pussy.

It’s really, really hard to look in the mirror sometimes, so the OP is seeking justification. What he fails to realise (and what I get bored trying to tell everyone) is that you don’t require justification if you feel it’s the right thing to do.

Since he’s so unsure he’s seeking the opinion of people whose judgment doesn’t matter to him in an effort to justify what he’d like to do, it screams out to me that what he believes is “love” isn’t quite the ideal he’s got in his own head.

Hope that makes sense, I’m in a bit of a hurry right now lol.

Mr GG replied to Mahhrat
Mon 21 Feb 11 (12:55pm)

After a few months I’m sure he can bet 100% that this is true love.
Get real Mahhrat, they haven’t been together that long, a few months, if he were asking if he should open a joint bank account with a girl after only a couple of months the answer would be emphatically; NO WAY how do you know you love her and its not just Lust, relationship are always good at this point and we feel they’re the one, but a little later we realise they’re not.

I’d prefer to lose a few dollars than have an STD for Life requiring daily treatment. He is still dating and when dating you have to protect your self, that would be why he had the STD test. Ignoring it would be Stupid may as well not bother being responsible and getting tested if you do that.

And after a few months he doesn’t owe this girl happiness, it is her problem that she will have for the rest of her life. If Op wants to take it on good for him, but he has no responsibility to, and has every right to leave if he doesn’t want to. YES it is about what HE wants, would you be saying a Girl should stay with someone she doesn’t want to? relationships (before commitment of kids and marriage) are about finding YOUR OWN happiness, plenty of people have been dumped after a few months for far smaller reasons than a STD, Like the OP recently that was told to dump a guy for Spitting. Spitting is not a gross as genital herpes.

biscuit replied to Mahhrat
Mon 21 Feb 11 (02:01pm)

um, I think you’re missing the point...its not that she has a disease and thats why he wants to break up with her, its that he will most likely catch this incurable disease if he stays with her. Its a question of his own body and his own health, not just rejecting her because she is no longer perfect.

when it comes to your health, I think its perfectly acceptable to put your own needs first.

A few months is not a long time in the grand scheme of things, so it’s not what I’d call a long term relationship.

Interesting that you have identified the other person as the responsible party for your series of “catastrophic” relationships.

The real question is just how bad is your judgement? If you can recognise that your judgement with regards to women is bad enough then perhaps you’ll think about waiting a while with this girl, or even calling it off.

However, the other side of things would be that your judgement is sufficiently bad that you might think you have now made the right choice and decide to take a risk with her. Given your track record, it doesn’t sound promising but it’s your life.

There isn’t really a wrong answer (although possibly there are bad decisions) but either way it is going to be worthwhile understanding exactly what the implications are.

OP you are carrying on like the woman has transmissable leprosy and you think that you will catch it and your dick will fall off.
Lighten up man, millions opf people live with herpes and it has little or no effect on their lives.
Get the facts about the risks and impacts before you blow it (pardon the pun)

You sound like a little school boy crying over “coodies”. go get some information and learn the cons and pros. if you really do love this women you’ll atleast get off your ass and actually do some research on it.

“HSV2 is only herpes” - well the bar of quality has certainly dropped..

Dude.Run.For.Your.Life!

While I have some thoughts on how you blame only the women for the failure of your relationships.. ahem ahem takes two to be in a relationship etc.. I’ll leave that one for now..

As for your question - considering your self confessed failure rate of relationships and how in love you would have been with them in the beginning also I think you’re stupid to risk yourself on this person. Just like all relationships there is always the fact that it “could” end - and then what are you left with aside from resentment for her and a LIFE LONG DISEASE! - Can you imagine all your future relationships and every single time with someone new you have to have the - “I have herpes conversation”.. ewww..

Dispite Bossy trying to calm down the ‘social stigma’ of what is a ferral disease I don’t think it’s asking too much to want to be with someone that does not have something like this.

Can you imagine all your future relationships and every single time with someone new you have to have the - “I have herpes conversation”.. ewww..

Well, the OP doesn’t have to imagine it - he just has to ask his girl what she’s looking at for the rest of her life.

As Bossy, said - about a quarter of the population has it. And manage to go along quite well as is. And have long term partners that don’t catch it too.

My advice is to talk to a doctor or a sexual health counsellor and get some facts on the disease and how it works.

But don’t write off a potentially wonderful relationship on the basis of this.

Tim replied to Bravette
Mon 21 Feb 11 (10:02am)

HSV2?
And here I was thinking the chick I picked up on the weekend had some sort of fully sick V8 Holden when she said she had HSV2.
Fully sick alright.

So Jenny has met this great guy, fallen in love with him, probably want’s to marry him. Now, due to circumstances completely out of her control, he’s thinking about dumping her. She’s the same person, it’s just that now she has a common, manageable disease, which he could possibly catch.

Dude, if she’s that great, then how could you possibly be thinking about ditching her. You’re scared about getting it, but the poor girl already has to deal with having it for the rest of her life, and possibly without her lover being around.

She will have to tell every guy in the future who wants to sleep with her that she’s infected, that condoms are ABSOLUTELY ZERO PROTECTION AGAINST GENITAL HERPES! And that they take their chances in catching it.

I was in exactly the same position, except my (now) wife didn’t know she was infected until we both broke out at the same time. Initially it was very concerning, but we came out of it with a stronger relationship.... and it’s something we share Not that we advertise that.

As an infected bloke I can tell you that an outbreak of genital herpes does really suck. I’m lucky in that it has only happened a couple of times in the last 5 years, but it’s not nice. I haven’t used medication to control it, but there is stuff available. I also know that I love my wife deafly and if we had quit our relationship at that first hurdle, then I’d be much worse off today if I was without her.

“I love my wife deafly” Lots of signing going on then!! I wonder how you sign herpes in Auslan?

Mikey replied to boris
Mon 21 Feb 11 (06:13pm)

Fully agreed. I contracted it over 20 years ago, had an initial outbreak and never since. AND I didn’t even get it the good way, from sex. I have been a virgin until I was in my thirties, as far as I could tell I must have gotten it from a toilet seat at work at the time.

OP, don’t panic, it really isn’t the end of the world, it is actually very common. The fact that it’s “down there” just means that it’s got a stupid stigma attached to it.

Mate, before you even start thinking about dumping this girl, go and see a doctor and get some information and education on herpes.

It’s not the end of the world, your dick will not fall off, nor will she descend into the depths of madness. Attacks will occur with less frequency and be less severe as time goes by. Add to that the use of acyclovir to control the syptoms and you really don’t have a lot to worry about.

Genital herpes is no worse than coldsores on the mouth, shingles or chicken pox. All are herpes type viruses and you wouldn’t dump a chick for having chicken pox would you?

To all the dickheads who are think of replying and saying chicken pox and genital herpes are different, all I can say is that they are only different in the way they are caught. So get over any moral crap and treat the disease for what it is.

The biggest danger with herpes is during childbirth, the baby can become infected if there is a current outbreak in mum, but a C section will prevent that. the other problem is encephalitis, which can be caused by any number of viruses, including herpes.

She didn’t get infected because she’s a bad woman, she got infected because she’s unlucky. The best thing you can do is stand by her and love her just as you would if you didn’t know she had it.

Getting herpes seems like a big problem, but the reality is that it’s not the end of the world, and it’s certainly not a deal breaker. In a few years you’ll forget about it completely, and only have an occassional tingle.

Just get on with life with your lady, you’ll have much bigger issues to work through when you’re married.

There is actually a very low risk of babies contracting neonatal herpes on natural delivery unless the mother is having her first outbreak or has contracted the disease during pregnancy. This is because the mother will not yet have developed antibodies to pass on to baby. For women with herpes, doctors will monitor them for outbreaks and administer medication to control this, and natural delivery will usually still be the best course of action. The risk of a baby getting neonatal herpes from a woman who has had the disease for a while is so low that doctors often consider that it is comparatively more risky for the mother to perform a C-section on her than it is risky for the baby to be delivered naturally. In fact, the vast majority of occurrences of neonatal herpes result from a baby being kissed by someone who has just contracted coldsores. A small percentage is accounted for by women who have just contracted herpes during pregnancy and were unaware of it. Almost none are attributable to women with existing cases of herpes.

Andrew replied to Shane
Mon 21 Feb 11 (12:51pm)

Hehehe, that comment about “your dick won’t fall off” brings back wonderful memories of Leisure Suit Larry. I believe his dick actually *did* fall off - about 10 seconds after not using a condom. Highly effective sex education

CA replied to Shane
Mon 21 Feb 11 (08:42pm)

I caught Herpes Type 1 (Cold sores) 2 days after I was born from a nurse who forgot to wash her hands on duty and because i rubbed my eyes (which babies do), I almost lost the sight in my left eye and have had recurring infections ever since. Thanks to her, I can never get a driver’s licence and my sight and depth of perception continues to decline.

Don’t punish Jenny for someone else’s inconsideration and selfishness. As long as Jenny tries to take precautions for the both of you, such as warning you of outbreaks and taking medications, then please try to make a go of your relationship.

If, however she she behaves irresponsibly about it then leave her.

Op, you are surely having a rough time of it. If it were me, I would not be able to stay. Genital Herpes can even become problematic during pregnancy. You’re young, and if it doesn’t work out between you two, for arguments sake, and you become infected, how are you going to deal with it in future relationships?
Walk away now, much easier to do it before you get too heavily involved.
Good Luck.

OP,
A few years ago, at the insistence of a chick, I had a range of tests for various sexual diseases. Despite her lust for me, she was adamant - anything bad and there was no relationship.
Given my history, I was kinda gobsmacked when the results came back negative. I almost asked for another test…
Thankfully, through all that starfish behaviour, I managed to avoid any skanks with bad hair, or as Bossy said, 1 in 4 unfortunates.
The woman who ordered me to have a test had one herself. If her results showed anything negative, I was going to sack her too. It was almost a standoff, no pants down until the all-clear.
OP,
All women are lazy Gold Diggers, or Manipulative attention seekers, or girls who just basically dont know how to genuinely be in a relationship. This new chick might be great, but she’s got a disease.
Sack her and find another lazy Gold Digger, or Manipulative attention seeker, or a woman who just basically doesn’t know how to genuinely be in a relationship - just make sure she isn’t a carrier.

But if he’s been in long term relationships, including a marriage that lasted for 5 years, he wouldn’t need to know about an STD unless a partner had one, as is the current case.

I know of a friend that has herpes, but as to other STD’s out there I wouldn’t have a clue what they are, what symptoms are experienced and would probably freak out a bit before using Google to find out everything about it.

Movin On replied to Em
Mon 21 Feb 11 (11:53am)

Oh boy, are you in for a shock. Most people don’t even know what an out break of genital herpes looks like, let alone how many people have it. How often do you check out the genital area of the person you just picked up at the pub? Squeeze the penis to check for discharge, have a whiff of the muff before you start to see if it smells wrong?
Would you know how to identify genital warts over a skin tag? How do you know if the person has HIV? Has a small cut in the inside of their mouth when they are kissing you?
Complacency in general education has left the younger generation with a “It won’t happen to me” attitude, and now STI’s are spreading faster than ever. As much as many people didn’t like the Grim Reaper ads, at least they put the message out there - remember the one with the bed? If you sleep with this person, you are actually sleeping with them and all of their previous sexual partners. More education - scare tactics if you like - that’s what is needed.

Unhappy replied to Em
Mon 21 Feb 11 (08:50pm)

Movin On, as a young child I saw these adverts, and had the full “these are the terrible things that happens to you if you have sex” in both primary and high school. I am now entering my thirties and have difficultly even touching a womans hand let alone anywhere else. The only thing running through my head is “THEY ARE ALL UNCLEAN!!! TOUCH HER AND DIE!!!”. I understand it’s not like that for everyone but the heavy handed approach has really F&cked;up my chances of ever being able to connect with anyone physically.

Really?
Neither of you can possibly think of any reason how this could have happened?

Given that herpes can be dormant for years before an outbreak occurs (if one occurs at all), it’s perfectly reasonable- and most GP’s don’t ask for HSV to be included in the screen as it’s not indicative that you actually have symptoms etc. Kind of like how a blood test can say ‘at some point this person has been exposed to glandular fever.’ Another example of how more sexual health education could be utilised.

OP, 1 in 3 people have genital herpes so if you have a mutual friend, one of you should statistically have it. The only real problem is a certain times it will break out and annoy the be-jesus out of you, but it heals and repeats. I wouldn’t be too concerned if she is indeed the one a a little bit of irritation every so often is something most people live with throughout their lives. And don’t spend too much time worrying about how she came about them, that’s energy best spent elsewhere.

Exactly what I was thinking! My partner and I both had clean STD tests, and then I contracted HSV2.

My partner went back and has a specific test for HSV2 antibodies, and found out that he had it. When he asked his doctor why it didn’t show up on the overall STD test, his doctor shrugged and said that the overall test wasn’t always accurate.

OP, there’s a chance that she caught it from you. I would go back and have the antibodies test.

In this day and age, herpes is very common and no big deal to treat. The problem is the social stigma - people still see it as this horrible plauge of bleeding sores, when in fact, using Valtrex / viral repressing medication, you remain a-symptomatic your whole life. It need never affect you. And she has a “minor” case at that.

Clearly being disease free is an obsession of yours. News flash - sooner or later you will get one. Most likely cancer as approximately 1 in 4 people will (1 in 2 if you are looking at some of the studies and projections). So should you get a disease that will in no way affect you, ever, if you take medication, to be with a woman you love when disease awaits us all?

But that aside from your history it looks like you are the kind of guy who alway thinks some chick is “the one”. Maybe do something healthy for yourself emotionally - don’t have sex. Date for a few months. Do sexual things but hold off on the sex. See where you are in a few months. See if she is still the one.

And if she is, marry her and happily share your herpes forever.

If not, well, applause all round.

By the way, these days, HPV (Human papillomavirus) is significantly more dangerous and more common - and no one worries about it, depite it’s implication is most cervical cancers and possibility of vulva, anal and penile cancer. Herpes is very unilkely to kill you - HPV untreated likely will.

Even HIV gives you an average 20-30 year lifespan with treatment now.

If you are trying to stave off death with this disease OCD: dude, it’s coming no matter what. Do yourself a favour and try and spend the rest of your life not falling head over heals for unsuitable women and maybe, for once, take it slow. The herpes might be a blessing that fnally teaches you not to think with your penis and end up married to a manipulative psycho who was “the one” - again.

Getting a STD isn’t inevitable for anyone… NO ONE would have them if we all waited until getting married and made that a life long commitment. Don’t ever say it is inevitable.. it is a consequences of your world view and morality.

Consider getting yourself checked to see if you gave it to her...and have some latent form of the disease that previous tests missed (and they are not 100%). So you may be the guilty one…

Wait… do without sex for a while (as many people do in order to find the right one and marry anyway and many others do because of STD outbreaks).. perhaps you both should have waited this from the start and no one would have any infection from any previous partner but you didn’t… so wait now…

Maybe you will have a change of heart and mind about those who do decide to abstain ... and you may join them.

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