So Many Emotions

Posted on February 23, 2016

Yesterday wasn’t a good day!

I was an emotional basket case. I don’t think I have ever had an experience in my entire life-like I did yesterday. It was crazy! It started off in the morning on my walk to my treatments. I was listening to King Of My Heart by John Mark McMillan, and his wife Sarah when all of a sudden my mind began to flood with random thoughts.

Sad thoughts.

Painful thoughts.

Thoughts of dying, and what life would be like for Jamie and the kids if I wasn’t around.

Weird. Where did these come from? For the most part, I have been doing well with keeping track of my thought life. I’ll blame it on the detoxing. Anyways, I made it to the doctors and went about my day as if nothing happened.

That didn’t last too long. I sat in the treatment chair, got hooked up for treatment, but we ran into problems right away. My IV was causing complications. After being poked a bunch of times with a needle, the IV was inserted and I was on my way. I didn’t get too far before we started having more problems. The IV was n’t going as fast as it usually does. So what usually takes about 2 hours ended up being a 3.5 hour ordeal.

Not fun.

It is the afternoon now.

I just got home from my second treatment of the day…

I am still feeling pretty good. I haven’t had another crying episode since this morning. I go upstairs to continue my treatments and not 10 minutes into it, my mind begins to flood with thoughts and images. I can’t control myself. I start wailing! Not crying, I mean, gut wrenching wails. I have never experienced anything like this before. I felt as though I was grieving. I kept on seeing images of all the times I have failed as a husband and father. It was like my life was flashing before my eyes. I have done a lot of drugs in my life, but I have never experienced anything life this before.

I crawled out of the bathroom and into my bed. I pulled the covers over my head and kept wailing. I think I freaked the kids out, but they cuddled next to me in bed as I lay there and sob. Jamie was amazing! She came into the room and sat on the bed and began to rub my back, and prayed.

The crying continued for what seemed like an eternity. As weird, and unexpected as last night was, I know it was needed. It was healing. I feel so good today! I feel like a brand new person. It feels like a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders.

I know this isn’t the last time I will experience something like this. It’s a part of the process. I know there is more to come. I welcome it as I know it is beneficial to me, and our family as we walk out this journey.