Those Climategate e-mails are pretty bad for climate science. Here are some of the most incriminating excerpts I’ve found:

“We need volunteers to help strangle baby polar bears so we can leave their corpses out for great photos on the devastation of global warming.”

“Because of the increased scrutiny, we’re going to have to ask you all to stop using Ouija boards to confirm your findings.”

“As I was unable to get the journal to not publish the denialist’s paper, I kidnapped the publisher’s family to force him to comply. Anyone have a place I can hide them?”

“I saw the latest Al Gore speech on climate change and he didn’t say one thing that was even remotely true. I think his brain his fried. Can we blame that on global warming?”

“One of the denialists found out that the data for my conclusive proof of global warming was corrupted because cats like to lay on the temperature sensors. We may need to redefine “peer review” to keep his paper from being published. Also, when in science is it okay to murder?”

“I can’t get a publisher for my scifi novel about a post-apocalyptic future. I think I’ll just see if I can get it published in a journal as a scientific prediction on what will happen from global warming.”

“The data seems to suggest that most of the warming comes from some large heat source that floats over the earth daily. What the hell could that be?”

“It ends up one of the glaciers is melting because we left a space heater on it. We need to go fetch it and kill the Eskimos who saw it.”

“Yes, the computer simulation I’ve been running is actually Halo, but we’re all so sure about climate change so why should I waste my time doing boring programming when I can play Halo?”

“So how long until we should say the earth is doomed if people don’t do as we tell them? If we use too short a time, people will think we are already doomed and not do anything, and if we use too long a time they won’t care. I’m going with ten years. That’s worked well for the last twenty years.”

“Ends up the report we’ve been touting lately wasn’t made by scientists but by escapees from the insane asylum who got their hands on white lab coats. In our defense, they looked very sciencey. As always, tell no one.”

“I got an idea to really illustrate to the public the dangers of global warming: Let’s set an orphanage on fire and blame it on increased temperatures. If anyone knows some good accelerants, please share. Yay! Science is fun!”

“So we all agree we are now so certain about global warming we don’t need to waste time collecting data and can just make the numbers up?”

Does Obama use the teleprompter to know what to say or does the teleprompter use Obama to give itself voice?

My wife watches Red Eye every day; it’s her Oprah.

I bought my wife a car, so she let me get one of those extra big Reese’s peanut butter cups.

Does Google Wave have a “Getting Started” or a “What the Hell Is This?”? More pages should have a WTHIT.

I think Google Wave is supposed to be the next e-mail or something except I don’t remember being confused about what e-mail did.

In real life, I bet John Lithgow could beat up Sylvester Stallone.

The difference between climate change science and sorcery is sorcery doesn’t try to the fix the peer preview process.

There are also other differences if I’m being completely honest.

I trust science. I distrust scientists. Though, scientists were made by science according to scientists’ science.

I trust ice cream.

To help combat faulty science, stores should check that someone has a PhD before selling him a white lab coat.

Looks like the USPS lost my last shipment of comic books. I think we can now safely say that Obama’s federal government is a failure. Say what you want about Bush, he made the comic books come on time.

Going to take the rest of the week off, so enjoy Thanksgiving. Be thankful for this great country and how it’s so strong it can still be super awesome even when we have dumb stupid presidents. And I’ll see you next week. And, just because pretty much everyone is posting it, here are the Muppets singing Bohemian Rhapsody:

I know change is scary and confusing, but that doesn’t mean you should direct all your cracker rage at me. I’m sorry you had plans for your money, but we don’t all get what we want. What’s more important is that I get what I want which is what the country needs. We all other than me have to make sacrifices. And I borrowed your golf clubs.

kthxbai,
President Obama

Graaah! What a jerk! Here’s what I wrote back:

Barry,

YOU’RE THE CRACKER!!! You don’t have any plans! You don’t even know what’s in those bills! And you don’t get what you want, which is to not suck so much! What this country needs is for you to announce to everyone, “I’m a stupid dummy dumb.” And then you should resign and get a job more to your skill level like Walmart greeter.

And you should have asked before taking my golf clubs! I need those to control the local squirrel population!

Get an old chest and put explosives in it and set a trigger so the explosives will go off when the chest is opened. Then bury the chest in a middle of nowhere making sure to note its location. Now, if you’re ever captured by pirates, you can tell them to spare your life and you’ll lead them to buried treasure. I think the rest is pretty self-explanatory.

Some people at the RNC had the idea to make a list of ten Republican principles and you won’t receive RNC funding if you disagree with three or more of them. That sounds like a neat idea, and it’s not a litmus test, as you can pick any two you want to be a squish on.

In fact, it’s such a neat idea I’m coming up with a list of my own ten Republican principles:

(1) Punching hippies is a legal form of expression.

(2) The moon should be declared hostile and nuked.

(3) The average American should be armed like Neo from the lobby scene at all times.

(4) Nachos are awesome.

(5) The federal government needs to stop wasteful spending. Also, researching giant war robots and dinosaurs with rocket launchers on them is not wasteful.

(6) America owns Antarctica.

(7) It’s not good diplomacy unless the foreign leaders are kneeling before us.

(8) Vampires shouldn’t sparkle.

(9) The fact that we torture terrorists isn’t horrific and is actually kind of funny.

(10) Biggest problem facing our nation: Too many sissies.

If you disagree with one of them, the punishment is for everyone to look at you and yell, “What’s wrong with you!” If you disagree with two of them, you get beaten up after RNC meetings. If you disagree with three, you lose RNC funding. And if you disagree with four or more, Fred Thompson punches you in the face such that your head explodes.

PRODUCTION NOTES:
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Send your submissions to lolterizt@gmail.com and – if they aren’t obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don’t suck too terribly bad – I’ll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

If you answered A or B, you are stupid and don’t know Science!. A is a flying reptile, B is an aquatic reptile, and only C is a dinosaur (of the avian variety).

So why aren’t pterosaurs or plesiosaurs not considered dinosaurs (even though they have the “saur” in their name)? It’s for about the same reason mathematicians decided the number 1 isn’t a prime number (Math!); scientists just decided things fit together better that way. Plus, they make the Science!, so they get to define things however they want.

But why are birds now classified as dinosaurs? That’s a bit more complicated.

Kids are fascinated with dinosaurs. They love playing with toy dinosaurs and reading simplistic books on them. Kids are also stupid. They’ll have a Tyrannosaurus fight a Stegosaurus even though they lived ten millions of years apart. Or have Fred Flintstone ride them. Or Turok fight them. And then they ask dumb and inane questions about them like did the Triceratops go to school too. Basically, they get their dumb all over dinosaurs. And anytime we don’t treat a scientific subject with reverence, we risk angering Science! and having it punish us with something scientific like space radiation.

Obviously, it was up to scientists to get children disinterested in dinosaurs — which is hard because they are pretty cool. Still, we came up with the brilliant idea: What if we dilute the awesomeness of dinosaurs by including within that label the most boring animal in all of Science! — birds.

Everyone is completely bored by birds. You’d think an animal that can fly would have to be interesting, but somehow birds just make it completely boring and uninteresting. No one cares anything about birds. Anytime we want to learn something about birds, we send the Science! interns to do it because it always a snoozefest. Never once has any bird ever done anything even remotely interesting. The closest were penguins, but that was just because they we narrated by Morgan Freeman.

But look at it this way: If a child sees this on the front of a book about dinosaurs, do you think he’ll want to read it?

Boring.

Of course not. And thus children’s interest in dinosaurs is crushed and scientists can continue their research unmolested by their misdirected enthusiasm.

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