The beginners guide to the Australian cricket fan

As you may know, my country folk will soon be touring your marvellous piece of terra firma in a 3 Test series.

To help you acclimatise and prepare for the onslaught of banter that is coming, I have created this beginners guide to the Australian cricket fan.

1) Australians don’t hate you

Of all the Test playing nations, Australians have the closest affinity with the South Africans. There is a level of respect for the way you play the game with heart and ruggedness. It reminds us of, well, us. Yes, we will enjoy smashing you like we just did the English, but most of you choose not to be English, and therefore, you are ok. Try as you might, your banter won’t upset the Australian fan anywhere near what it would if you were from Suffolk or Leeds

2) Most Australians don’t know the first thing about rugby

You know the story. Mitch Johnson will break Irishman Graeme Smith’s finger in the 1st over of the 1st Test and you will feel the need to sledge about rugby, just to have something positive to sledge about The problem here, is that unless your victim went to a private school in Sydney or Brisbane, they will not have any idea what you are saying. Australia is a country of Aussie Rules. Real football where you kick it to score, rather than throw it backwards to run forwards. 99% of us just have no clue about rugby

3) We are shit scared of Steyn

We liked how Mitch Johnson scared the bejesus out of the Poms. But deep down in our hearts, we know that your mob are tough, unlike the skirt wearing Zimbabweans, Irish and failed South African’s that the Queen just sent to our shores. Mitch is unlikely to dominate against you like he just did against the English.

Steyn, however, is simply the devil in human form. We already accept he will crush us like children do to ants. It will just happen. In a way, we are excited to see this ins action, because the last “best bowler in the world” we played turned out to be very Overratedson.

4) We have yet to work out that AB de Villiers is a gun

Australians as a general rule don’t watch SA versus Pakistan cricket matches. Therefore, we have no idea that ABdV is the best keeper / batsman in the game. We think it’s Brad Haddin. We also think that AB was named as a tribute to Allan Border.

We think Faf is a gun given his 2012 match saving innings in Adelaide. He’s probably really crap now, but we just don’t know.

5) We love Hashim Amla

We know what the bearded wonder can do and we love him for it. Australian’s appreciate champions. Humble ones even more. None of us will begrudge Hashim any double hundred he so chooses to make.

6) We can’t name who your spinner is

With world record holder Imran Tahir now out of the squad, we have no idea who your shittest player currently is. However, when we find out, expect the quality sledging to come thick and fast. Just ask Simon Kerrigan

7) We secretly hope you destroy Shane Watson

The captain was highly accurate when he described the man as the “cancer” of the team. Stuart Broad is more popular back here than what Shane Watson is. If you can’t kill him off this tour, you have failed us

8) We don’t know who to follow on twitter for a South African cricket perspective

Ok, we know one or two. Obviously the Ballz Radio crew are well regarded.

But we don’t know who else is out there who will provide the laughs, sledging and insights that we got in spades from the English losers.

Please tell us!

9) We will take a keen interest in your sponsors

The Australian team song is famous throughout the world.

“Under the Southern Cross I stand. A can of VB and a bucket of KFC in my hands”

We think that CSA probably manages its brand image better than we do, but quietly hope to see an advertisement for “FemFresh, only R99″ at some stage during the coverage

10) We will remind you that your countrymen choose to play for England

We think it’s funny and hilarious that people will leave a great place like South Africa to fail for England. In fact, 10 South Africans have done so. Some really good ones too. We have just sent trash to England, like the Hollioake’s.

So there you have it. Everything you need to know before you inadvertently throw mud across the internet at an Australian on twitter.

Thank me later…or just follow me on Twitter (@DennisCricket_). I’ll be pleased to accept your banter and return in kind

Alternatively, subscribe to the “Can’t Bowl Can’t Throw” podcast for a humorous take on the series