The title is taken from the opening poem of my book of poetry Ecstatic Fire

Don’t console yourself.

How do I find you?How do I find you?I can’t find you in my draws,My shelves or cupboards.I’m looking at a canvasWaiting for you to appearBut I don’t know howYou might arrive.How do I avoid you?Easily.“Everything else to do today”“Can’t waste time finding you”But I do wish to find you.To contact youTo exchange my nothingnessFor a moment of your fullness.I look in a photograph for you.But you’re inside mePuzzling meDrawing me in deeperIf only I wouldn’t resist!I could find youIf only I could stop lookingFor your photo in my deskRummaging aroundPretending that what I’m doingIs important, urgent, necessary.Actually losing more and more Of youAs each hour passes, and each dayEnds.And I have still, no idea how to find you.I’m frantic now, searchingAnd running around ‘doing’ things.STOP IT!!Stand in front of that canvas.Mix paint.Hold your brush.Let the marks begin to find themselvesTo join together into a whole. Just stand in front of itJust stand and watch you appear.

You’re inside meAlways waiting to be foundPatiently watching my tears.I need my tears to sizzleDown my cheeks,To turn to steam because the fire In me, is ragingAnd I’m burning inside.But I’m not.I don’t feed my inner fire.I don’t find you.My tears run down my faceAnd my beard is wet. How do I find you?How do I find you?I see I don’t search for youI see the sham Of my life,As I glimpse youAnd understand the offer you make,And the offering I must makeIs still not possible.But it’s only been fifteen years.And fifteen more before.Don’t console yourself you idiot!!Put something on the fireDon’t let it go outKeep watch, be vigilantEvery day, every hour, feed the fireFind some real courageFind some real hopeFind some real loveThen maybe, I find You.