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Caitlin Liveblogs Fifty Shades Freed: Chapter 20https://caitlinliveblogs.wordpress.com/2016/08/18/caitlin-liveblogs-fifty-shades-freed-chapter-20/
https://caitlinliveblogs.wordpress.com/2016/08/18/caitlin-liveblogs-fifty-shades-freed-chapter-20/#commentsThu, 18 Aug 2016 05:18:43 +0000http://caitlinliveblogs.wordpress.com/?p=1373Continue reading →]]>Guys. GUYS. We only have 5 more chapters left after this one. There’s only 25 official chapters in this book. I mean, there’s an epilogue, and 3 bonus chapters (uuugggghhhhh why) BUT. ONLY 5 MORE AFTER THIS ONE. IT’S ALMOST A MIRACLE.

But, first we have to get through this chapter. So let’s get on with it, shall we?

RECAP: So Ray wakes up, and its all emotional (I guess), which OF COURSE means it’s time for Ana and Christian to go back to the hotel to have some kinky sex. However, Christian actually asks for consent before the kinky sex starts, which is MIND-BLOWING to me. I’m not going to recap the sex, but just know that I made a drinking game and we all took a lot of drinks. They finish, they cuddle, Christian reminds us that he is A Very Sad And Broken Man. Ana grossly talks about how she’s going to give Christian a blowjob, and then we (thankfully) get a scene change. A detective comes later to talk to Ana about Jack Hyde, who is apparently trying to claim that Ana assaulted HIM, which is ridiculous. Christian valiantly holds back and doesn’t lose his mind, although he DOES admit to having all of Hyde’s former PA’s talked to, just “Because my wife worked for him, and I run security checks on anyone my wife works with.” Because that’s not a creepy red flag at all, buddy. We get a scene change, and Ana is at a different hospital with Ray, because Christian had him moved. Ana gets a call, but ignores it, and then leaves, only to run into her OB/GYN, who informs her that Ana has missed FOUR APPOINTMENTS FOR HER BIRTH CONTROL SHOTS. Just to be safe, the doctor has Ana take a pregnancy test. Of course, the test says that ANA IS FUCKING PREGNANT HOLY SHIT.

I’m not even being hyperbolic here, I literally CANNOT FUCKING WAIT to read this next chapter.

Chapter Twenty

I gape at Dr. Greene, my world collapsing around me. A baby. A baby. I don’t want a baby…not yet. Fuck. And I know deep down that Christian is going to freak.

Really? You know that “deep down?” Because I know that right up fucking front, because your husband is a psychotic nightmare who can barely control his emotions when you wear a skirt that’s too short. God help you when he hears about THIS mess.

“Mrs. Grey, you’re very pale. Would you like a glass of water?”
“Please.” My voice is barely audible. My mind is racing. Pregnant? When?

Probably during all the sex you’ve been having? “Gosh, how did I get pregnant! I’ve only been having wild sex all the time recently!”

“We could do an ultrasound to see how advanced the pregnancy is. Judging by your reaction, I suspect you’re just a couple of weeks or so from conception–four or five weeks pregnant. I take it you haven’t been suffering any other symptoms?”
I shake my head mutely. Symptoms? I don’t think so. “I thought…I thought this was a reliable form of contraceptive.”
Dr. Greene arches a brow. “It normally is, when you remember to have the shot,” she says coolly.”

GET WRECKED, ANA.

What the fuck do you mean, “I thought it was a reliable form of contraceptive?” Like???? Stop????? You sound like a guy who just got stabbed with a sword saying “I thought my shield was reliable???” and the guy who stabbed him goes “It is…when you’re fucking holding it up you piece of shit.”

Come on, Ana. Did the sex ed system fail you THAT BADLY?

…To be honest, I wouldn’t be surprised. Sex Ed in America is TERRIBLE.

HEY KIDS! A QUICK NOTE FROM GOOD OL’ MOMMA CAITLIN! There are lots of birth control methods of varying degrees of effectiveness, and it’s up to YOU AND YOUR DOCTOR to understand the differences and understand how each one works! And if you miss 4 doses of any birth control method other than something like an IUD, your chances of getting pregnant go WAY THE FUCK UP!!!! PLEASE BE EDUCATED ABOUT YOUR BC METHOD AND DON’T LET YOUR BOYFRIEND PRESSURE YOU INTO GETTING A SPECIFIC BC METHOD THAT YOU’RE NOT FAMILIAR/COMFORTABLE WITH!!!!!

/end rant.

So Dr. Greene suggests doing an ultrasound, because apparently she’s not busy at all and only exists to contribute to Ana’s plotline. But this isn’t a regular ultrasound, this is an advanced ultrasound.

“If you could lift and bend your knees, then part them wide,” she says matter-of-factly.
I frown warily.
This is a transvaginal ultrasound. If you’re only just pregnant, we should be able to find the baby with this.” She holds up a long white probe.
Oh, you have got to be kidding me!

Okay, a couple things.

First of all, A LITTLE WARNING WOULD BE FUCKING NICE? Like, Dr. Greene, why didn’t you just say “Hey, wanna do a transvaginal ultrasound? Let me explain what that is first!” You are a TERRIBLE doctor. “We’re gonna do this procedure, but what actually happens during the procedure is a SURPRISE!!” What the fuck.

Second,

Ana, your husband has a giant alien dick, I have a hard time believing that this “long white probe” is that much different from having sex with Christian, unless you have been WILDLY exaggerating the size of his downstairs business…which, honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised at.

“Mrs. Grey, if you could relax.”
Relax? I’m pregnant, damn it! How do you expect me to relax? I blush, and endeavor to find my happy place…which has relocated somewhere near the lost Island of Atlantis.

Literally what does that even mean. I know this is supposed to be all dramatic or whatever but I’m just kind of like “…yeah yeah whatever you’re an idiot anyway moving on.”

Slowly and gently she inserts the probe.
Holy fuck!

Please don’t have a weird orgasm because of this ultrasound. I know that whenever Christian so much as breathes on you, you explode, but please, for all our sakes, hold it in this one time.

All I can see on the screen is the visual equivalent of white noise–although it’s more sepia in color. Slowly, Dr. Greene moves the probe about, and it’s very disconcerting.

WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN. YOU CAN’T JUST SAY “DISCONCERTING” AND LEAVE IT AT THAT?????

Listen, friends, if you’re writing a story, you can’t just say “And then it was *insert descriptor here*.” That’s boring and dumb and bad, usually. That’s like saying “And then he got stabbed and it hurt.” It’s lazy, and bad, and don’t do it ever.

Instead of saying it was disconcerting, you could AT LEAST give us a quick explanation of WHY it’s disconcerting. What about it is disconcerting??? Like, come on, this is Writing 101. Show, don’t tell. Ugh.

“There,” she murmurs. She presses a button, freezing the picture on the screen, and points to a tiny blip in the sepia storm.
It’s a little blip. There’s a tiny little blip in my belly. Tiny. Wow.

“It’s too early to see the heartbeat, but yes, you’re definitely pregnant. Four or five weeks, I would say.” She frowns. “Looks like the shot ran out early. Oh well, that happens sometimes.”

Yes, it’s a baby. I get it. We all get it. You’re pregnant. This is no longer news.

So then Dr. Greene prints out a picture for Ana to take home, and IMMEDIATELY jumps into pregnancy talk. She says they need to set another appointment in a few weeks to check up on things and set a likely due date, and she says she wants Ana to start taking prenatal vitamins and gives Ana a leaflet of “dos and don’ts.”

Are.

You.

Fucking.

Kidding.

Me.

Ok, look, I get it. I get that not everyone is pro-choice. Lots of people are anti-abortion, and I understand that abortion isn’t for everyone, but IT ISN’T EVEN MENTIONED AS A FUCKING OPTION???? MAYBE ANA ISN’T READY TO HAVE THIS BABY??? It is still WELL within the timeframe where an abortion could be performed. It’s too early for a heartbeat even? Like, it’s not even a baby at this point. It’s a blip, as Ana calls it, a bundle of cells.

Even if Ana doesn’t want to get an Abortion, it could still be offered as an option, and then Ana could be like “No, no, I don’t want that,” or something? Like, at least BRING IT THE FUCK UP.

I’m going to scream.

That’s a lie. I’m already screaming.

So then Ana just…fucking…leaves? They don’t discuss her options at all? Adoption? Anything? She was CLEARLY surprised about this baby, any good doctor would, I don’t know, ACTUALLY OFFER HER SOME FUCKING ADVICE?

I’m gripped suddenly by a creeping cold and deep sense of foreboding. Christian is going to freak, I know, but how much and how far, I have no idea. His words haunt me. “I’m not ready to share you yet.” I pull my jacket tighter around me, trying to shake off the cold.

ALRIGHT, LOOK FRIENDS.

IF YOU FIND OUT YOU’RE PREGNANT.

AND YOUR MAIN CONCERN

IS THAT YOUR PARTNER IS GOING TO FREAK OUT

…

MAYBE YOUR PARTNER IS A BAG OF BURNING SHIT-COCKS????

Ana isn’t concerned that she’s not ready to be a mom, she’s not concerned that they’re not prepared to take care of a baby, her ONLY CONCERN is that CHRISTIAN WILL FREAK OUT, and then she is “haunted” by his words and LITERALLY PULLS HER JACKET TIGHTER AROUND HER BECAUSE SHE’S SO FREAKED OUT BY THIS CONCEPT.

THIS

IS

AN

ABUSIVE

RELATIONSHIP.

I don’t know how much clearer you need to get. I get it, finding out your pregnant can be terrifying if you’re not ready, and being scared is totally normal, but BEING SCARED OF YOUR PARTNER’S REACTION is definitely NOT normal, what the ACTUAL FUCK.

I’m like, 2 pages into this chapter, you guys. I’m already so pissed. My beer is almost empty and I am already out of fucks to give.

This isn’t going to end well for me. Or Ana, truthfully.

Ana gets in the car and tells Sawyer to take her back to work at SIP. She then sits in the back seat and dives into solemn contemplation.

I should be happy. I know I should be happy. But I’m not. This is too early. Far too early. What about my job? What about SIP? What about Christian and me? No. No. No. We’ll be fine. He’ll be fine. He loved baby Mia–I remember Carrick telling me–he dotes on her now. Perhaps I should warn Flynn…Perhaps I shouldn’t tell Christian. Perhaps I…perhaps I should end this. I halt my thoughts on that dark path, alarmed at the direction they’re taking. Instinctively my hand sweeps down to rest protectively over my belly. No. My little Blip.

IT’S JUST A BUNDLE OF CELLS???? IT DOESN’T EVEN HAVE A HEARTBEAT??? YOU CAN HAVE ANOTHER BABY LATER???????????????????????

Or like, fuck, give it up for adoption? You’re CLEARLY not prepared for this situation, and Christian is SCARING YOU, why the FUCK would you EVER bring a FUCKING CHILD INTO THAT SITUATION?? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU??????????????????????

If you’re so scared that you are considering NOT TELLING YOUR HUSBAND THAT YOU’RE PREGNANT, there is something SERIOUSLY FUCKING WRONG WITH YOUR RELATIONSHIP.

WHAT

THE

FUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK

So then Ana starts daydreaming about a little boy who looks like Christian running through a meadow and Christian being all fatherly. But then the scene turns dark…

My vision morphs into Christian turning away from me in disgust. I’m fat and awkward, heavy with child. He paces the long hall of mirrors, away from me, the sound of his footsteps echoing off the silvered glass, walls, and floor. Christian…

THIS SHOULD NOT BE A CONCERN THAT YOU’RE HAVING.

YOU’RE NOT FAT, YOU’RE PREGNANT.

AND EVEN IF YOU WERE FAT, YOUR HUSBAND SHOULDN’T JUST FUCKING LEAVE YOU BECAUSE THERE’S NOTHING WRONG WITH BEING FAT EITHER??????????

I’M SO FUCKING MAD YOU GUYS.

I HAVEN’T BEEN THIS MAD IN SEVERAL CHAPTERS.

IT’S 10 PM ON A WEDNESDAY AND I MIGHT NEED TO OPEN A NEW BEER BECAUSE I’M SO MAD AT EVERYTHING THAT’S HAPPENING RIGHT NOW.

IF YOU COULD HEAR INSIDE MY BRAIN RIGHT NOW, IT WOULD JUST BE CONSTANT PTERODACTYL-LIKE SCREECHING.

There’s just so much wrong here…I can’t…I don’t even know what to say anymore. Except fuck this. Fuck all of this.

So then Ana gets to work and starts interrogating her assistant, asking if she’s moved or cancelled any appointments with Dr. Greene. Apparently Hannah HAS cancelled 2-3 of these, because Ana was in other meetings or busy. So of course it’s HANNAH’S fault that Ana is pregnant, because there’s no possible way that Ana could have KEPT TRACK OF HER OWN FUCKING DOCTOR’S APPOINTMENTS? I MEAN, WHAT DO THE REST OF US PEASANT WOMEN DO WITHOUT ASSISTANTS MAKING OUR CALENDARS FOR US? IF I HAD AN ASSISTANT, I WOULD DEFINITELY PUT THEM IN CHARGE OF HANDLING MY INTIMATE MEDICAL APPOINTMENTS, BECAUSE MY POOR LITTLE WOMEN’S BRAIN CAN’T HANDLE IT ON MY OWN.

Hannah leaves to go make some tea.

I gaze after her departing figure. “You see that woman?” I talk quietly to the Blip. “She might be the reason you’re here.”

NO. YOU’RE PREGNANT BECAUSE YOU WERE PRESSURED INTO GOING ON A BIRTH CONTROL METHOD THAT YOU KNEW NOTHING ABOUT, AND THAT YOU SUBSEQUENTLY FAILED TO KEEP TRACK OF!!!!!!! THIS IS NO ONE ELSE’S FAULT BUT CHRISTIAN’S AND YOURS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FUCK!!!!!!!

Ana opens up her computer and already finds an email from Christian, saying he misses her already, even though they’ve only been apart for THREE FUCKING HOURS. He says he’ll pick her up around 6 pm, and then they can go visit Ray again. Ana just replies “Sure,” and nothing else, even though I’m sure that will send Christian into maximum overdrive crazy.

Christian immediately replies “Are you ok?” Ana has some internal dialogue talking about how she’s not ok, how she’s freaking out, but instead of you know, TALKING TO HER HUSBAND ABOUT IT, she emails him back saying “Fine. Just busy. See you at six.”

I’M SURE HE’LL HANDLE THIS JUST FINE.

We cut to later, when Ana gets in the car. She’s clearly upset, and to Christian’s credit he’s worried about her, and asks her what’s wrong. She lies, of course, and says she’s just missed him and she’s worried about Ray. Good job, Ana. Don’t tell your husband that you’re pregnant. I’m sure waiting to tell him will be a GREAT idea.

“Boy, your hand is cold. Have you eaten today?”
I blush.
“Ana,” Christian scolds me, annoyed.
Well, I haven’t eaten because I know you’re going to go bat-shit crazy when I tell you I’m pregnant.
“I’ll eat this evening. I haven’t really had time.”

IF YOU ARE THIS SCARED TO TELL HIM, THAT MEANS THIS IS A BAD. FUCKING RELATIONSHIP.

I literally don’t know how many more times I can say that. Everyone who thinks Christian is the ideal man is scarily brain-washed.

We find out that Christian will be going to Taiwan later this week. He wants Ana to go with, but she says no, because she has her job, and they’ve had this argument before. He pouts about it, but then gets over it, and says he’ll miss her. He seems completely oblivious to the fact that she’s acting like a fucking alien. What a good, observant husband.

They get to the hospital to see Ray, and he seems fine. Ana kisses him goodbye when they go to leave.

This is so out of control, you guys. Next time anyone tells you this is a romance, kindly point them to this exact chapter, and watch them try and explain themselves out of this hole. This is literally horrifying.

The scene shifts to dinner, back at their house, where Ana is morosely picking at her food.

I swallow and try to subdue the panic rising in my throat. I take a deep steadying breath. It’s now or never. “I’m pregnant.
He stills, and very slowly all the color drains from his face. “What?” he whispers, ashen.
“I’m pregnant.”
His brow furrows with incomprehension. “How?”

GEE, I DON’T KNOW, CHRISTIAN, I IMAGINE IT HAS SOMETHING TO DO WITH ALL THE FUCKING THE TWO OF YOU DO.

IMAGINE

THAT.

“Your shot?” he snarls.
Oh shit.
“Did you forget your shot?”
I just gaze at him unable to speak. Jeez, he’s mad–really mad.
“Christ, Ana!” He bangs his fist on the table, making me jump, and stands so abruptly he almost knocks the dining chair over. “You have one thing, one thing to remember. Shit! I don’t fucking believe it. How could you be so stupid?”
Stupid! I gasp. Shit. I want to tell him that the shot was ineffective, but words fail me. I gaze down at my fingers. “I’m sorry,” I whisper.

Ok, first, I don’t think the shot is ineffective if yoU FUCKING MISS 4 APPOINTMENTS. First you blame Hannah, now it’s the shot’s fault? Come on, Ana.

Second….this is honestly scary, guys. I don’t have any dumb rage comments to make here. This is honestly just scary, and sad, because real life women go through this every day. Abuse like this is no joke. You should never be worried that your partner will cause you physical harm. I don’t care how mad they are. That is never acceptable. Ever.

“Sorry? Fuck!” he says again.
“I know the timing’s not very good.”
“Not very good!” he shouts. “We’ve known each other five fucking minutes. I wanted to show you the fucking world and now…Fuck. Diapers and vomit and shit!” He closes his es. I think he’s trying to contain his temper and losing the battle.

Maybe you should have FUCKING THOUGHT OF THAT BEFORE YOU GOT FUCKING MARRIED???? “We’ve known each other 5 fucking minutes!” YEAH I WAS SAYING THAT LITERALLY 2 BOOKS AGO, BUT YOU WENT AND GOT MARRIED ANYWAY, ASSHOLE, AND NOW YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE CONSEQUENCES. THIS IS YOUR FAULT TOO, DICK.

Also, like…you are a literal billionaire. If you want to show Ana the world, you can still do that, even if you have a kid, because you can pay for a fucking babysitter, and it’s also not hard to travel the world when you’re a literal fucking billionaire. Imagine if you were poor! Your complaints are fucking TRIVIAL, Christian. I know you’re scared, that’s fine, but getting angry because you have to maybe take care of a baby? Even though you’re fucking loaded and wouldn’t have to worry about the baby’s needs? Fuck you. Fuck you so hard. Fuck you, E.L. James for writing this awful book and tricking people into thinking that Christian is at all a good person. Fuck all of this.

“Did you forget? Tell me. Or did you do this on purpose?” His eyes blaze and anger emanates off him like a force field.

ARE

YOU

KIDDING

ME.

Christian literally just accused Ana of getting pregnant ON PURPOSE just to SPITE HIM.

“No,” I whisper. I can’t tell him about Hannah–he’d fire her. I know.
“I thought we’d agreed on this!” he shouts.
“I know. We had. I’m sorry.”
He ignores me. “This is why. This is why I like control. So shit like this doesn’t come along and fuck everything up.”

FFFFFUUCCCKKKK

YYYYOOOOOUUUU

“You think I’m ready to be a father?” His voice catches, and it’s a mixture of rage and panic.
And it all becomes clear, the fear and loathing writ large in his eyes–his rage is that of a powerless adolescent. Oh, Fifty, I am so sorry. It’s a shock for me, too.

NO.

No.

You are NOT fucking MAKING EXCUSES FOR HIS BULLSHIT.

DON’T YOU DARE FUCKING APOLOGIZE TO HIM.

FUCK THAT.

HE’S A PIECE OF FUCKING GARBAGE SITTING IN A PILE OF MORE GARBAGE.

Ok, I get it, he had a troubled childhood (…when he was 3 years old and barely old enough to create memories, and then he was adopted by a massively wealthy family who treated him well and he never had to suffer growing up…) and he was coerced into a sexual relationship with an adult when he was a teenager (i.e. rape). I get that. But childhood trauma DOES NOT give you an excuse to act like a GIANT FUCKING SWEATY SHIT-COVERED DICK when your fucking WIFE tells you something that she is ALSO CLEARLY UPSET ABOUT.

NONE OF THIS IS EXCUSABLE. NOT ONE BIT.

“I know neither one of us is ready for this, but I think you’ll make a wonderful father,” I choke. “We’ll figure it out.”

I have no idea where you’re getting that assumption from. You told him some difficult news and he immediately started acting violently. What the FUCK makes you think it’s safe to bring a child into this house?

“How the fuck do you know!” he shouts, louder this time. “Tell me how!” His gray eyes burn, and so many emotions cross his face. It’s fear that’s most prominent.

I don’t CARE that he’s scared, he’s being a VIOLENT BAG OF COCKS! HE GETS NO SYMPATHY!

“Oh fuck this!” Christian bellows dismissively and holds his hands up in a gesture of defeat. He turns on his heel and stalks toward the foyer, grabbing his jacket as he leaves the great room. His footsteps echo off the wooden floor, and he disappears through the double doors into the foyer, slamming the door behind him and making me jump once more.

Ana starts crying and the housekeeper, Mrs. Jones comes over and asks if Ana would like some tea. Ana says she wants wine, but then she rethinks it and says she wants the tea. Apparently Ana is already all in on this baby.

Mrs. Jones gets the tea and then asks if Ana wants anything to eat, and when Ana says she’s not hungry, Mrs. Jones tries to GUILT TRIP HER INTO EATING by saying “It’s not just you anymore.”

Fuck literally every member of this household.

Ana refuses again, because she understandably isn’t very hungry. She heads to the library to rest.

I dig my BlackBerry out of my purse and contemplate calling Christian. I know it’s a shock for him–but he really did overreact. When does he not overreact? My subconscious arches a finely plucked brow at me. I sigh. Fifty Shades of fucked up.

Well that’s an understatement.

AND ALSO

WHY ARE YOU MAKING IT SOUND LIKE THIS IS ALL JUST A NORMAL THING? LIKE, “Oh, sigh, my husband acted out violently and accused me of getting pregnant on purpose, that’s just so like him!”

NONE OF THIS IS OK, ANA. GET THE FUCK OUT OF THERE BEFORE HE LITERALLY KILLS YOU AND/OR YOUR CHILD.

Ana seems to be very confused about how to respond to this situation, and is terrified Christian won’t come back. Girlfriend, get your ass out of there and find someplace safe for you and your baby. Christian is dangerous and volatile and NOT A GOOD PERSON.

Ugggghhhhh.

Ana falls asleep in the library, but wakes up several hours later. She immediately starts patting her belly and thinking about “Little Blip.” Ugh. She gets up to go find Christian, only to discover that he isn’t home yet. She starts to worry that this is another near-death situation like when his helicopter crashed, so she sends him a text asking where he is, then goes to take a bath.

Christian doesn’t respond, so Ana goes and puts on PJs (“one of my 1930s-style satin nightdresses” are you fucKING KIDDING ME), grabs the duvet from the spare bedroom and heads to the great room to keep watch. Oh, while she’s in the spare bedroom she thinks about how that can be the baby’s room, and contemplates whether they’ll paint it blue or pink.

HOW ABOUT YOU STOP REINFORCING GENDER ROLES, ANA. HOW ABOUT THAT.

Later, Ana wakes to the sound of Christian in the foyer. Apparently he’s…wasted. Oh good.

He leans against the jamb of the foyer doors. “Mrs. Grey,” he slurs.
Crap. He’s very drunk. I don’t know what to do.
“Oh…you look mighty fine, Anastasia.”
“Where have you been?”
He puts his fingers to his lips and smiles crookedly at me. “Shh!”
“I think you’d better come to bed.”
“With you…” He snickers.

…Come on, dude. Seriously? Ugh.

Ana tries to put him to bed, but he wants her to join him, which she doesn’t want to.

“And so it begins. I’ve heard about this.”
I frown. “Heard about what?”
“Babies mean no sex.”

Dude…come on. I’m just…I’m out of comments, at this point. Christian Grey is a piece of garbage who abandoned his pregnant wife to get wasted, then comes home, doesn’t apologize, and just complains about how he won’t get enough sex because she’s pregnant.

WHAT A DREAM, RIGHT LADIES?

Ugh, but Ana ends up thinking all this shit is “cute and playful?” Fuckkkk thattttt.

Then Christian starts drunkenly talking to Ana’s stomach, to the baby. It’s a little cute at first.

“You’ll choose him over me,” he says sadly.

Dude. It’s not a fucking popularity contest, this is YOUR FUCKING CHILD YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT. What, you expect Ana to choose you over a LITERAL INFANT?

I mean, it would make sense, since CHRISTIAN ALSO SEEMS TO BE A LITERAL INFANT, PRONE TO TEMPER TANTRUMS AND MOOD SWINGS.

And then Christian just…falls asleep. So Ana continues undressing him? Like, that’s nice, but undressing a sleeping person is difficult, and also that seems pretty unnecessary? Also he was like…the biggest asshole?????

His shirt has come dislodged from his pants, revealing a hint of his happy trail. I can’t resist. I bend and kiss it.

I just…why. Why was that necessary. SPOILER ALERT! It wasn’t.

Ana takes off his clothes as best she can, and then kisses his temple and tells him she loves him. Then, she picks up the clothes she took off, and his blackberry falls out, which she “inadvertantly” unlocks. On the screen there’s a text.

*It was good to see you. I understand now. Don’t fret. You’ll make a wonderful father.*

It’s from her. Mrs. Elena Bitch Troll Robinson.
Shit. That’s where he went. He’s been to see her.

Okay…okay. So let me get this straight. He FREAKS THE FUCK OUT AT YOU, all because you accidentally got pregnant, he YELLS AT YOU, almost OVERTURNS FURNITURE OUT OF ANGER, and BLAMES YOU FOR GETTING PREGNANT, and then LEAVES FOR HOURS WITH NO CALL OR TEXT AND RETURNS HOME WILDLY DRUNK, and that’s fine.

And then he goes and talks to this Mrs. Robinson, which is fucked up, sure, since she sexually abused him when he was a teenager, I get that, and going to see her was super wrong, I’m not denying that.

But somehow, all the shit before this was all fine and dandy, but going to see Mrs. Robinson is somehow THE FINAL STRAW. Like…sure that’s fucked up of him to do, but on a scale from 1 to BLAMING YOUR WIFE FOR GETTING PREGNANT AND ACCUSING HER OF GETTING PREGNANT ON PURPOSE, I’d say going to see a woman you used to have sexual relations with is…I don’t know, like a 5? The scale is so fucked I don’t even know.

End of Chapter Twenty

Oh my god. This chapter took so long. It’s not even that many pages but like…the rage was so potent. I feel like I aged 20 years.

I also kept getting side tracked, and had to eat dinner, and had to take a break at one point because I was literally too angry to keep reading.

So! I’m sorry this one is posting so much later than anticipated! But I hope you enjoyed my rage, and tune in…sometime soon (maybe) for chapter 21, where I’m sure I won’t have anything more to become wildly enraged at.

Hah. Ha ha. Haaaaaa.

Thanks for reading, folks! You guys are the best, and you help keep me sane!

]]>https://caitlinliveblogs.wordpress.com/2016/08/18/caitlin-liveblogs-fifty-shades-freed-chapter-20/feed/1cbrodie21Ooooh judgemark wahlberg the happeningdogequestioning iwanstressed castielreally amy poehlerare you fucking kidding me drawgod fucking dammitreally black and whiteare you fucking kidding me zoomnope nope octopuswhat the fuck bluthyou just know he's gonna kill youin the name of mars shut the hell upFUCK THIS SHIT 2shut this the fuck downI'm gonna go stab himGOT judgementgaggingCaitlin Liveblogs Fifty Shades Freed: Chapter 19https://caitlinliveblogs.wordpress.com/2016/06/29/caitlin-liveblogs-fifty-shades-freed-chapter-19/
https://caitlinliveblogs.wordpress.com/2016/06/29/caitlin-liveblogs-fifty-shades-freed-chapter-19/#commentsThu, 30 Jun 2016 04:09:20 +0000http://caitlinliveblogs.wordpress.com/?p=1135Continue reading →]]>[disclaimer: I don’t own any of the gifs used in this post. If you see a gif that you created and would either like credit for it or would like it taken down, please let me know.]

It’s been so long since I updated that the entire WordPress update page looks insane to me now. To be fair, this is entirely my fault.

HAVING A FULL-TIME JOB IS HARD AND I’M TERRIBLE AT UPDATES, AS YOU ARE ALL AWARE.

But here I am again! Ready to do another chapter! I even just opened a new beer in honor of doing this, because lord knows I’m not capable of doing this sober!

So, without further time-wasting, let’s get to the point.

RECAP: It’s Ana’s birthday, and her step-dad (and also the only real father figure in her life) is in the hospital after a severe car accident involving a drunk driver. Christian get’s Ana a bunch of dumb shit to remind us all how rich he is (like a charm bracelet that might as well be for a 13 year old, oh, and also a FUCKING CAR). Christian does something surprisingly sweet and invites a bunch of Ana’s family and friends (she still has those?) to a dinner up in Portland. Ana talks to her mom a little bit and reinforces gender stereotypes (WHAT A SHOCKER). Later, Ray (her step-father) finally wakes up.

NOTHING HAPPENED LAST CHAPTER, WOW.

ANYWAY.

Chapter Nineteen

So, Ray wakes up, and that’s all nice and good and whatever but…I don’t really care? He’s been in like 0.2% of these books. If he was someone I was supposed to care about, maybe he should have been like…an actual character?

I take up his hand in both of mine and cradle it against my face. “You’ve been in an accident. You’re in the hospital in Portland.”
Ray frowns, and I don’t know if it’s because he’s uncomfortable with my uncharacteristic display of affection or that he can’t remember the accident.

Um. Listen, writers. If you want something to be “uncharacteristic,” you need to SHOW US THAT ITS UNCHARACTERISTIC, you can’t just be like, “oh yeah, btw, this is uncharacteristic as fuck lol bye” IN BOOK FUCKING THREE. This should have been set up AGES AGO. If Ana and her dad are weird about physical affection, FUCKING SHOW THAT??? THIS ISN’T ROCKET SCIENCE.

Ana gets the nurse, who pages the doctor. Ana then goes out to the waiting room to find Christian and tell him the news. Christian asks how Ray is.

“Talking, thirsty, bewildered. He doesn’t remember the accident at all.”
“That’s understandable. Now that he’s awake, I want to get him moved to Seattle. Then we can go home, and my mom can keep an eye on him.”

“HEY WIFE, YOUR DAD’S AWAKE? COOL, LET’S GET HIM MOVED TO A HOSPITAL CLOSER TO US SO WE CAN GO THE FUCK HOME AND MY DUMB MOM CAN WATCH HIM SO WE DON’T HAVE TO. THIS HAS ALL BEEN A MASSIVE INCONVENIENCE UGH BUT THANKFULLY IT’S OVER.”

Ok, maybe I’m being unfair. Christian does seem to relax after Ana tells him Ray is ok, the “tension around his eyes vanishes,” which is nice. I’m glad he’s concerned about his father-in-law. But like…if your father-in-law just woke up out of a coma, maybe your first reaction shouldn’t be like “he’s awake? Great, LET’S MOVE HIM. I WANT TO GO HOME.”

Christian mentions how Ana hasn’t stopped smiling. Weird, it’s almost like HER FUCKING FATHER JUST WOKE UP OUT OF A COMA??? I WONDER WHY SHE HASN’T STOPPED SMILING?????

Apparently they just…left? Ray woke up and they were just like “lol BYE BITCH.” The valet pulls Ana’s new car around to the front, and Christian “eyes [it] with lust”. Please don’t fuck a car, dude. Please.

“Shall we celebrate?” [Christian] asks as we enter the foyer.
“Your dad.”
I giggle. “Oh, him.”

YOUR DAD JUST GOT OUT OF A COMA???? PLEASE KEEP IT IN YOUR PANTS FOR MORE THAN 2 MINUTES. WHAT THE FUCK.

They go back to their hotel room, where they get dinner and Ana wears nothing but “Christian’s T-shirt and [her] panties.” Great. Thank you. DON’T YOU THINK THIS IS A LITTLE…FAST??? YOU JUST CAME FROM A HOSPITAL??????

“What do you want to do?”
He raises an eyebrow, amused. “What I always want to do.”
“And that is?”
“Mrs. Grey, don’t be coy.”

I CAN’T DO THIS AGAIN. PLEASE. PLEASE DON’T DO THIS.

Reaching across the dining table, I grasp his hand, turn it over, and skim my index finger over his palm. “I’d like you to touch me with this.” I run my finger up his index finger.
He shifts in his chair. “Just that?” His eyes darken and head at once.
“Maybe this?” I run my finger up his middle finger and back to his palm. “And this.” My nail traces his ring finger. “Definitely this.” My finger stops at his wedding ring. “This is very sexy.”
“Is it now?”
“It sure is. It says this man is mine.” And I skim the small callous that has already formed on his palm beneath the ring. He leans forward and cups my chin with his other hand.
“Mrs. Grey, are you seducing me?”
“I hope so.”
“Anastasia, I’m a given.” His voice is low. “Come here.” He tugs my hand, pulling me into his lap. “I like having unfettered access to you.”

SHE’S YOUR FUCKING WIFE, NOT A SHOW PONY. OF COURSE YOU HAVE ACCESS TO HER, BUT HER CONSENT IS WAY MORE IMPORTANT???? “Unfettered access?” Are you serious?

So they do the whole weird flirty sexy thing, and Ana says “Maybe I need to be restrained.”

“What are you going to do about it?” I challenge.
His eyes glitter. “I know what I’d like to do about it. Depends if you’re up to it.”
“Oh, Mr. Grey, you’ve been very gentle with me these last couple of days. I’m not made of glass, you know.”
“You don’t like gentle?”
“With you, of course. But you know…variety is the spice of life.” I bat my lashes at him.
“You’re after something less gentle?”
“Something life-affirming.”
He raises his brows in surprise. “Life affirming,” he repeats, astonished humor in his voice.

Ok, guys, this is like, actually super important and encouraging.

CHRISTIAN GREY IS BASICALLY ASKING FOR CONSENT HERE.

ANA IS TAKING CONTROL OF THE SITUATION AND CHRISTIAN IS HESITATING AND ASKING WHAT SHE WANTS.

AND THIS IS HUGE.

This is insane to me. I don’t really even have anything to criticize here. And, as I’ve said before, I give credit where credit is due. And, for once, credit is due here. While the consent isn’t as clear as you could hope, it IS consent, and that is a BIG DEAL in this shit show of a series. Ana is saying she wants something rougher, and Christian is double-checking (ish) to see what she wants.

THIS IS GREAT.

I mean, not great. I still hate both of them (and also RAY JUST GOT OUT OF A FUCKING COMA??? IDK about you guys but like, my family members being in the hospital doesn’t get me all hot and bothered usually?)

[PS: I just opened a new beer, solely to prepare for the oncoming sex scene.]

Ok, so Christian takes off Ana’s t-shirt, leaving her naked except for her panties. He then goes and puts a towel down on the sofa, which is both concerning and considerate. (I mean, they’re at a hotel, I’m glad they’re not just going full-nasty on the couch)

Ana is ordered to take off her panties and sit on the couch.

He grabs me by my ponytail again and pulls my head back. “You’ll tell me to stop if this gets too much, yes?”
I nod.
“Say it.” His voice is stern.
“Yes,” I squeak.

I’M LIKE…BIZARRELY PROUD RIGHT NOW! Christian actually obtained consent and made it clear that Ana should tell him if she feels uncomfortable at any time! This is incredible! It’s almost like they have a healthy relationship!

Almost!

So Christian uses the belts off of the hotel-supplied bathrobes and ties Ana’s legs while she’s on the couch so they’re pulled apart. He also asks “Okay?” while he’s doing it, which is like SUPER BIZARRE to me, because I can’t remember a single other time he was this consistent and kind about asking for consent? He usually tries to get Ana drunk first, or he just intimidates her into giving consent. THIS IS A BIG DAY, GUYS.

Christian goes over to change the music, because apparently he can’t bone anyone without a proper soundtrack.

How does he do this? Here I am, trussed up and horny as hell, while he’s so cool and calm. He’s just in my field of vision, and I watch the flex and pull of the muscles of his back under his T-shirt as he changes the song. Immediately, a sweet, almost childlike female voice starts to sing about watching me.

What the fuck…did he just put on like, Enya or something? Nothing gets a girl in the mood quite like a good Enya song.

Christian asks Ana to hold out her hands, and squirts some kind of oil on them before asking her to rub her hands together. Then he asks her to touch herself, “start at your throat and work down.”

Here we go, friends. Everyone get your drinks ready! Lets see, what are some good drinking game rules…

Drink if Ana refuses to name any of her body parts

Drink if Ana clearly misunderstands how certain body parts work

Drink if Ana says “Oh my” or anything similar

Drink every time there’s an ellipses

I promise I wrote those before I started reading this part. WE’LL SEE HOW ACCURATE IT IS! (Hopefully not too accurate, I’ve only got half a beer left…)

Ana follows directions and starts at her throat and works down to her breasts.

I swear to god, Ana’s nipples turn into weird snake-creatures whenever anything sexy happens. Why do they keep elongating! I mean, like, sure, nipples change shape and get hard and whatever, but the way Ana talks makes it sound like she’s rolling out bread for baguettes, not playing with her nipples.

Also, drink.

“Again. I want to see you. See you enjoy your touch.”
Oh fuck. I repeat the process. This is so…erotic.

Drink.

“Keep still, Ana. Absorb the pleasure.”

Feel the pleasure. Taste the pleasure. BE THE PLEASURE.

Christian, exuding sexuality, runs his tongue along his teeth Holy fuck… I writhe, pulling on the restraints.

That wasn’t a typo, there really isn’t a period before “holy fuck” in my copy.

Also, drink.

Also…like, idk, a dude licking his teeth isn’t enough to get me going? I guess Ana has a teeth fetish or something, because she is going HAM on this shit.

My hands glide over my stomach down over my belly.

Isn’t…isn’t your stomach your belly? I don’t…

Drink. Just drink. We’re all drinking this whole time anyway, might as well drink one more time.

“Lower, he mouths, and he is carnality personified.
“Christian, please.”
His hands glide down from my knees, skimming my thighs, toward my sex.

JUST. SAY. VAGINA. OR CLIT. OR ANYTHING. PLEASE.

(Also, drink)

“Come on, Ana, touch yourself.”
My left hand skims over my sex, and I rub in a slow circle, my mouth an O as I pant.
“Again,” he whispers.
I groan louder and repeat the move and tip my head back, gasping.

IT’S ALMOST LIKE SHE’S NEVER TOUCHED HERSELF BEFORE.

OH WAIT.

SHE HASN’T.

Hey, kids, masturbation is great and you should try it. You can’t expect someone else to pleasure you if you don’t know how to pleasure yourself!

Oh, and also, drink. Because she still can’t refer to her body parts as anything other than vague nicknames. Like, I’d even accept “folds of skin” or something. I just…”my sex” isn’t good enough, ok. Not when you’re writing a sex scene. Especially not when you’re writing a sex scene starring a character who is FUCKING MARRIED, AND WHO SHOULD KNOW HER WAY AROUND A VAGINA BY NOW.

So Ana continues touching herself, but when she tries to touch Christian, he restrains her hands, because that’s not part of the dealio, apparently.

I groan. He releases me then eases his middle two fingers inside me, the heel of his hand resting against my clitoris.

HOLY SHIT.

SHE REFERRED TO A BODY PART BY ITS NAME.

I’M LIKE, REALLY PROUD RIGHT NOW.

MY BABY IS GROWING UP!

“I’m going to make you come quickly, Ana. Ready?
“Yes,” I pant.
He starts to move his fingers, his hand, up and down, rapidly, assaulting both that sweet spot inside me and my clitoris at the same time. Ah! The feeling is intense–really intense. Pleasure builds and spikes throughout the lower half of my body. I want to stretch my legs, but I can’t. My hands claw at the towel beneath me.
“Surrender,” Christian whispers.

“Surrender?” This isn’t the goddamned battle of Yorktown, dude. You’re not at war, you’re just trying to make a girl cum. Calm down.

Of course, Ana comes literally the second he says that.

I explode around his fingers, crying out incoherently. He presses the heel of his hand against my clitoris as the aftershocks run through my body, prolonging the delicious agony. Vaguely, I’m aware that he’s untying my legs.

Gosh, she’s using “clitoris” left and right all of a sudden! It’s like character development, except really it’s writer development. And also it’s not that much development because this should have been happening from the beginning, but still, GOOD JOB! YOU TRIED!

Christian says “My turn” and flips Ana over, and now it’s time for Man Sex, and Ana immediately is ready to cum again, because she’s apparently a robot or something. It’s been 2 seconds! Bodies don’t work like that!

I guess we can drink for that. Except my beer is already empty. Boo.

Anyway, the scene switches, and suddenly they’re cuddling post-sex, and talking about how much they like each other’s butts. Great.

Except the song that’s playing mentions something about being sweet (idk, the reference is vague?) and Ana says “And I think there’s a lot that’s sweet about you.” Which is apparently not something that Christian wants to hear, because his smile immediately fades, and suddenly Ana needs to start reminding her husband of why he’s not a terrible awful no-good very bad person. So they exchange “I love you”s, but Christian still looks “lost.”

Like…Ok, I get it. He’s got a “tortured past” or whatever. All 4 years of it (that happened when he was barely young enough to remember). But Ana keeps being like “it will take time to heal all of his wounds!” and like, yes, I get it, it takes time (and a lot of work!) to get over severe PTSD-type stuff like this, but like…Christian should be actively seeing his psychiatrist if it’s still this much of an issue that he can’t accept love from his own wife. But he’s not seeing his psychiatrist, and that’s not good.

See your psychiatrist, folks. If you can afford it, of course. And also don’t enter into a marriage with someone that you feel the need to “fix.” It’s not your job to fix anyone except yourself (and you don’t need fixing, you just might need helping sometimes).

Anyway.

They go back into the bedroom and are going to watch TV, but then Ana decides…uh…

“Well, Mrs. Grey, now that you’ve got me, what are you going to do with me?”
I lean down and whisper in his ear, “I am going to fuck you with my mouth.”

WELL THEN.

So then we get a scene change, and suddenly it’s morning and Ana wakes up to find Christian already at work, typing an email. Apparently, a detective, Clark, wants to interview Ana in relation to Hyde.

In case you forgot (because lord knows I almost did), Hyde was Ana’s former boss who tried to assault her in the break room or whatever at their office, but she fucking OWNED HIM (it was amazing) and he got fired. BUT THEN he like…tried to break into the apartment and kidnap Ana? He’s like, terrible at being a criminal. But he’s in jail now so whatever.

But the detective wants to interview Ana about Hyde, and it’s so important that the detective is going to come all the way to Portland to interview her today. But first, they go see Ray, who seems to be doing pretty…fine, actually? Apparently Portland hospitals are full of miracles and you can go from being in a coma to being almost perfectly fine in less than a day.

Ray asks for Donuts, so Ana goes out to the waiting room to tell Christian she’s going to get Donuts. Apparently the detective will be there in a few hours. Also, Christian asks Ana to take Taylor (his security guard) with her, and she agrees, but rolls her eyes.

“There’s no one here.” His voice is deliciously low, and I know he’s threatening to spank me. I am about to dare him, when a young couple enters the room. She is weeping softly.

I shrug apologetically at Christian and he nods. He picks up his laptop, takes my hand, and leads me out of the room. “They need the privacy more than we do,” Christian murmurs. “We’ll have our fun later.”

YOU’RE IN A FUCKING HOSPITAL???? WHAT THE FUCK. CHILL YOUR BONER FOR LIKE 2 FUCKING HOURS YOU PSYCHOS.

“Oh I guess we’ll let this crying girl have the room to herself…” WELL YEAH I FUCKING HOPE SO. YOU JUST WANTED TO USE THE ROOM TO DO WEIRD KINKY SHIT. WHAT A FUCKING SACRIFICE FOR YOU.

The scene cuts, and suddenly the detective is here. The detective is only there to see Ana, but she insists that she wants Christian to stay.

“Mrs. Grey, Mr. Hyde maintains that you sexually harassed him and made several lewd advances toward him.

UM. WHAT.

THAT WAS LIKE THE ONE TOTALLY AWESOME PART OF THIS GODFORSAKEN TRASH PILE.

ANA TOTALLY KICKED HIS ASS WHEN HE TRIED TO BE A TOTAL CREEP TO HER.

AND NOW HE’S…ACCUSING HER OF BEING A CREEP???

WHAT.

Oh! I almost burst out laughing, but put my hand on Christian’s thigh to restrain him as he shifts forward in his seat.
“That’s preposterous,” Christian splutters. I squeeze Christian’s leg to silence him.
“That’s not true,” I state calmly. “In fact, it was the other way around. He propositioned me in a very aggressive manner, and he was fired.”
Detective Clark’s mouth flattens briefly into a thin line before he continues.
“Hyde alleges that you fabricated a tale about sexual harassment in order to get him fired. He says that you did this because he refused your advances and because you wanted his job.”

Ok, like, admittedly, I know nothing about how the legal process works, and I’ve never been part of a criminal investigation before, but like…this interview seems…real weird. Why wouldn’t he just ask her questions? And be like “Did you make sexual advances toward Mr. Hyde?” and stuff? Why would he be like “Well HE said that this happened!” like it’s fucking high school?

Basically he sounds like a terrible detective.

But Ana handles it well!

“What Hyde says is simply ont true.” My voice sounds calm, although I feel anything but. I’m bewildered by these accusations and nervous that Christian might explode. What’s Jack’s game? “Mr. Hyde accosted me in the office kitchen one evening. He told me that it was thanks to him that I had been hired and that he expected sexual favors in return. He tried to blackmail me, using e-mails that I’d sent to Christian, who wasn’t my husband then. I didn’t know Hyde had been monitoring my e-mails. He’s delusional–he even accused me of being a spy sent by Christian, presumably to help him take over the company. He didn’t know that Christian had already bought SIP.” I shake my head as I recall my distressing, tense encounter with Hyde.
“In the end, I-I took him down.”
Clark’s eyebrows rise in surprise. “Took him down?”
“My father is ex-army. Hyde…um, touched me, and I know how to defend myself.”

Ana, you’re being modest, you fucking OWNED HIS ASS. IT WAS AMAZING.

It’s been nearly an entire book and I’m still not over that. If this whole series was about Ana taking down weird creepy dudes, it would be MUCH, MUCH BETTER.

Christian asks Detective Clark if he’s talked to any of Hyde’s former PAs. Clark says he has, but they won’t talk much. Christian says he’s had the same problem. Naturally, Clark asks why Christian felt the need to investigate Hyde’s former Personal Assistants.

Christian gives him a steely glare. “Because my wife worked for him, and I run security checks on anyone my wife works with.”

Christian…buddy…you can’t just say that and act like it’s normal. This is SUPER NOT NORMAL. People don’t usually…investigate their significant other’s bosses. That’s…super fucking creepy. WHAT A SURPRISE. CHRISTIAN IS BEING CREEPY!

Then Clark and Christian start talking about other elements of the case that Ana isn’t familiar with. Apparently Hyde may have been the one that sabotaged Christian’s helicopter way back when, and there’s something to do with a note? This is all news to em, and apparently it’s news to Ana as well.

Clark finally leaves.

“Can you believe that asshole?” Christian explodes.

HE WAS JUST DOING HIS JOB, CHRISTIAN. WHAT THE FUCK. CALM DOWN.

“Clark?”
“No, that fucker, Hyde.”

Oh. Nevermind. I was so ready for Christian to be completely unreasonable that I’m now completely taken aback that he’s being sort of reasonable.

…this is weird.

Anyway, the scene changes, and suddenly Ray has been moved to some amazing rehab center in Seattle, courtesy of Christian and his boatloads of money. Ana is with Ray, even though apparently she should be at work. Her blackberry buzzes, but it’s a number she doesn’t recognize, so she lets it go to voicemail. Finally, Ana leaves the hospital.

Oh. Oh shit. That’s Ana’s OB/GYN, the one that she kind of didn’t really get a choice about, because Christian is weird and stupid about condoms and refuses to use them, so instead forces his partners to go on their choice of hormonal BC, even though hormonal BC can be really difficult to deal with depending on your body chemistry and can have adverse affects and isn’t something that you should just do because your boyfriend is a dick about condoms.

AS YOU CAN TELL I’VE GOTTEN OVER IT SINCE THEN.

“Mrs. Grey, how are you? Did you get my message? I called earlier.”
“No.” My scalp prickles.
“Well, I was wondering why you’d cancelled four appointments.”Four appointments? I gape at her. I’ve missed four appointments! How?
“Perhaps we should talk about this in my office. I was going out for lunch–do you have time right now?”
I not meekly. “Sure. I…” Words fail me. I’ve missed four appointments? I’m late for my shot. Shit.

UM.

WHAT.

They go to Dr. Greene’s office.

“Yes…it’s been over thirteen weeks. You’re cutting it a bit close. We’d better do a test before we give you another shot.”
“A test?” I whisper, all the blood rushing from my head.
“A pregnancy test.”Oh no.

FUCK??!??

She reaches into the drawer of her desk. “You know what to do with this.” She hands me a small container. “The restroom is just outside my office.”

When I reenter Dr. Green’s office, she gives me a tight smile and waves me to the seat in front of her desk. I sit down and wordlessly hand her my sample. She dips a small white stick into it and watches. She raises her eyebrows at it turns pale blue.
“What does blue meen?” The tension is almost choking me.
She looks up at me, her eyes serious.
“Well, Mrs. Grey, it means you’re pregnant.”What? No. No. No. Fuck.

End of Chapter Nineteen

UM. HOLY SHIT.

Like, ok, no dude should force his GF/Wife/Whatever to go on birth control without discussing it extensively and helping her make the decision (because it’s HER BODY NOT YOURS YOU CREEP). But…once you’re on BC…like, FUCKING KEEP TRACK OF THAT SHIT?

I get it. The pill sucks. I’ve been there, friends. But like, if you’re on the shot…SET A FUCKING APPOINTMENT IN YOUR PHONE??? DON’T JUST FUCKING LET THAT SLIDE? THE FUCK?

OR!! GET AN IUD!!!! Like it hurts like fucking HELL but at least you don’t have to worry about surprise vagina gremlins?

It obviously takes 2 people to get preggo, so I’m not solely blaming Ana here, but like…the FUCK, Ana! GET IT FUCKING TOGETHER!!

So I guess now there’s a baby to worry about. GOOD THING THEY ALREADY HAVE A STRONG, HEALTHY, NOT-AT-ALL-ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP TO BRING A CHILD INTO!!!!1!1! THIS IS ALL FINE AND GOOD AND I’M NOT CONCERNED AT ALL!

(Ok. I lied. I am concerned.)

I have no idea when I’ll get the next chapter up, but I’ll try to not wait like almost a whole year for the next one!

As always, thank you for reading, and for continuing to read even though I am terrible at posting things on time! You guys are amazing!

]]>https://caitlinliveblogs.wordpress.com/2016/06/29/caitlin-liveblogs-fifty-shades-freed-chapter-19/feed/4cbrodie21eyebrow raise ericclint eastwood disgustedthumbs upughconfetti HIMYMI need to be much more drunk for thisconfused cary grantwait what frozefuck i'm pregnantjon stewart judgingCaitlin Liveblogs Fifty Shades Freed: Chapter 18https://caitlinliveblogs.wordpress.com/2015/09/02/caitlin-liveblogs-fifty-shades-freed-chapter-18/
https://caitlinliveblogs.wordpress.com/2015/09/02/caitlin-liveblogs-fifty-shades-freed-chapter-18/#respondWed, 02 Sep 2015 23:00:00 +0000http://caitlinliveblogs.wordpress.com/?p=1132Continue reading →]]>[disclaimer: I don’t own any of the gifs used in this post. If you see a gif that you created and would either like credit for it or would like it taken down, please let me know.]

Look at me, posting things on time! Amazing!

RECAP: Ana finds out from José that her step-dad, Ray, is in the hospital after getting in a car accident while on a fishing trip with José and his dad. Ana rushes out to the hospital in Portland, where she holds José’s hand (which seems like a PHENOMENALLY bad idea when you’re married to Christian), but then Christian shows up and is actually…kind of fine? They find out that Ray is in a coma because he’s got potential brain damage. Christian has his mom come out and help with Ray’s treatment (except she doesn’t really? she just is there? for some reason?). Ana spends a whole lot of time reminding us that her step-dad is a very important father figure in her life (she calls him “daddy” like 30 times. WHY). Christian makes a bizarre pop culture reference that makes no sense. They go back to the hotel and go to bed (withOUT having sex, shockingly).

Hopefully chapter 18 is less exciting than 17 was. I don’t know if I can handle all of that action.

Chapter Eighteen

Ana wakes up, and for a moment she forgets where she is and why she’s there. And then she remembers, in the most unnecessarily dramatic way possible:

“Shit! Daddy!” I gasp out loud, recalling with a gut-wrenching surge of apprehension that twists my heart and starts it pounding why I’m in Portland.

Jesus H. Christ. That description would be more fitting if she saw her dad get LITERALLY STABBED in front of her. Also that sentence structure is convoluted as FUCK. Like, pick ONE description of how you’re feeling here, you don’t need THREE OF THEM.

Ugh. I’ve seen actual 8-year-olds write better than this.

Christian immediately comforts Ana, and tells her he already called the hospital and found out that Ray’s doing fine. Other than, you know, being in a coma.

OH, also it’s Ana’s birthday. Christian gives her a small box with a tiny gift card that says: “For all our firsts on your first birthday as my beloved wife. I love you.” Ugh. Gag me.

Oh my, how sweet is that?

Uh, not very sweet? It’s honestly a pretty standard thing to tell your wife that you love her on her birthday? Ana, you’ve set the bar so low that Christian literally can just step over it.

Uggghhhhh he got her a charm bracelet, and all the charms represent things they’ve done together (including a vanilla ice cream cone, in honor of them having “vanilla” sex. You disgust me).

I fondle the last two charms: a letter C — oh yes, I was his first girlfriend to use his first name. I smile at the thought. And finally, there’s a key.
“To my heart and soul,” he whispers.

I’m literally going to vomit all over myself. HE ALREADY GAVE YOU THE KEY TO HIS HEART AND SOUL, IT’S CALLED YOUR WEDDING RING AND YOU’RE WEARING IT RIGHT NOW.

Like wow, cool, you love each other. NO ONE CARES. That shit is only romantic if you’re like 14 and it’s Valentine’s Day.

Maybe I’m just a cynical asshole, but like…come the fuck on.

They eat breakfast and Ana goes to brush her teeth before heading over to the hospital.

A memory springs unbidden to my mind. I used his toothbrush after I first spent the night with him. I smirk and grab his toothbrush in homage to that first time.

Okay, I just want all of us to look back on one of my favorite terrible moments from this shitfest of a book series. This is from Fifty Shades of Grey, Chapter 5:

I want to clean my teeth. I eye Christian’s toothbrush. It would be like having him in my mouth. Hmm…Glancing guiltily over my shoulder at the door, I feel the bristles on the toothbrush. They are damp. He must have used it already. Grabbing it quickly, I squirt toothpaste on it and brush my teeth in double-quick time. I feel so naughty. It’s such a thrill.

YUP, THAT’S A THING THAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED.

The weirdest part is that, when compared up close like this, the writing actually IS a lot better in book 3 than it was in book 1. Which is sad, because the writing in Freed is still AWFUL. At least E.L. James has finally learned how to use a variety of sentence structures. It only took her 2+ books to learn that lesson, so impressive!

Anyway.

They get in the elevator and start referencing the first time they kissed, and honestly, it is kind of a funny throw-back? But that’s because that kiss was literally one of the only well-written sexy things in this entire series. I give credit where credit is due, and that elevator kiss was pretty excellent…at least until their tongues start doing a “slow erotic dance” (direct quote, I’m not even kidding).

Oh good, now Ana and Christian are recreating that elevator kiss.

He groans into my mouth and cups my head, cradling me as we kiss–really kiss, our tongues exploring the oh-so-familiar but still oh-so-new, oh-so-exciting territory that is the other’s mouth.

This whole scene is suddenly oh-so-vomit-worthy. Congratulations.

My inner goddess swoons, bringing my libido back from purdah.

Just when you thought the “inner goddess” bullshit was gone forever…

Also, in case you’re ignorant like me, here’s what “purdah” is referring to: “The practice among women in certain Muslim and Hindu societies of living in a separate room or behind a curtain, or of dressing in all-enveloping clothes, in order to stay out of the sight of men or strangers.”

Okay, look, E.L. James. You’re writing a book populated ENTIRELY by white people and horribly stereotypical people of color (of which there are LITERALLY TWO). You DO NOT get to just throw out terms like “Purdah” and think that’s ok. It’s not okay. I’m going to go out on a limb and guess that you don’t know anything about Muslim/Hindu culture, so you don’t get to just fucking use the word “Purdah” like you know what it means. It doesn’t make your book seem “cultured,” it doesn’t make your writing look clever, it doesn’t even make that line fucking INTERESTING. All it does is make you look like a piece of shit who appropriates parts of other cultures that you don’t even understand.

“Purdah” has a long history, and a lot of depth and details which YOU WOULD KNOW IF YOU TOOK TWO SECONDS TO LOOK AT EVEN JUST THE WIKIPEDIA PAGE. I highly doubt that’s a term that’s okay to use when talking about your character’s inner sex machine??? The FUCK is wrong with you.

Anyway.

They get outside and SURPRISE, Ana’s rich bastard of a husband bought her a car. Whoop di fucking doo.

My face splits into a huge grin, and my inner goddess does a back flip off the high dive.

uuuuuUUUGGGHHHHH STOP IT.

ARE YOU GOING TO GO FUCK IN THE CAR? PUT YOUR GODDAMNED “INNER GODDESS” AWAY.

They get in the car and Christian immediately starts criticizing Ana’s driving. Great. Just what I wanted to read about.

They finally get to the hospital, and Ray’s condition hasn’t changed. Apparently Christian’s dad is a lawyer and is suing the drunk driver who hit Ray’s car. Cool.

A bunch of hospital stuff happens, the nurse checks on Ray, they await some scans, things like that. None of it is very exciting or interesting.

Ana realizes she hasn’t heard from her mom in awhile, and her mom doesn’t know about Ray. Her mom also hasn’t called to wish Ana a happy birthday, which is kind of rude. Ana calls, but her mom doesn’t pick up. That seems like something Ana should be more concerned about, but she’s pretty whatever about it?

Ana and Christian start talking about Christian’s “Taiwan thing,” for his mysterious business. Again. VERY boring. Ana asks him why he works so hard all the time (which it doesn’t seem like he does, but ok).

“I don’t want to be poor,” he says, his voice low. “I’ve done that. I’m not going back there again. Besides…it’s a game,” he murmurs. “It’s about winning. A game I’ve always found very easy.”

Oh, gee! All you have to do to become a multi-billionaire is just decide to not be poor anymore! AMAZING! It’s just a game! Wow, who knew it was so easy?

Literally just shut up right now.

Ana talks about how much she loves all of Christian’s different personalities (philanthropic Christian…megalomaniac Christian…control-freak Christian…just to name a few). Then she calls him “Fifty Shades” again, which apparently is supposed to be exciting or clever or something, but really it just feels EXCEEDINGLY forced.

They leave the hospital, and Christian lets Ana drive (shocking). They go grab lunch at the place they went after José’s photography show in book 2. Apparently this is some kind of montage episode bullshit. Yeah, I get it, I’ve read all three of these fucking books, trust me, I REMEMBER EVERY PAINFUL SECOND OF IT.

They go back to the hospital. Nothing has changed. They leave again.

Godddd I can feel my brain fucking liquefying.

They go back to the hotel, and Christian has planned a fancy dinner at the hotel restaurant, and had Taylor go buy Ana a fancy dress and shoes. Great. He ALSO had Taylor go buy fucking BLACK, LACEY LINGERIE FOR HIS WIFE.

THAT’S TOTALLY NOT FUCKED UP AT ALL.

“I look forward to taking this off you later.”

HER DAD IS STILL IN A COMA YOU PIECE OF SHIT. MAYBE SHE DOESN’T WANT TO DO KINKY SHIT WITH YOU RIGHT NOW?

But of course she will. This is Anastasia Steele we’re talking about, after all. If Christian wants to have sex, she’s not going to tell him no.

They head down to dinner, and every woman they pass shoots Ana envious glares because Christian looks so attractive. Because, in case you forgot, the natural female state is “jealous bitch.” Except for Ana, who’s a “cool girl,” who’s “special.”

God help me, I want to shoot my eyes out.

They get to the table and find Kate, Elliot, Mia, Ethan, Carrick (Christian’s Dad), and Grace (his mom), José and Mr. Rodriguez, and Ana’s mom and her husband, Bob.

Okay, now this is ACTUALLY a really sweet thing to do. The charm bracelet thing was pretty bogus, but this is like, a super great surprise for someone’s birthday. Well done, Christian. It feels weird not to get mad at you.

We get literally like 3 pages of all these people greeting Ana, and I’m not even going to recap it because it’s horribly boring. Ana gets a cake with candles and wishes for her dad to get better.

Finally everyone leaves and they go back to the hotel room and sex is implied, but we don’t have to suffer through it, thankfully.

The next morning, all the Greys and Kate and her brother return to Seattle in Christian’s helicopter (I have no idea who’s flying it though…). Honestly, I kind of want the helicopter to crash, because literally NOTHING bad has happened this whole chapter, and it’s SO GODDAMNED BORING.

BAD THINGS HAVE TO HAPPEN IN STORIES. CONFLICTS HAVE TO HAPPEN. OTHERWISE IT’S NOT A STORY.

Ughhhhh.

Ana and Christian go back to the hospital. Ray still hasn’t woken up. Ana’s mom comes with, and they have heartfelt moments where everyone cries. Ana and her mom have a heart-to-heart about her mom’s relationship with Ray (which ended because she just couldn’t live with him, apparently?), and they talk about Ana and Christian.

“You look so good together, Ana. So happy.”
“We are, I think.”

You THINK? What a vote of confidence for your marriage, Ana. Real promising start.

“Getting there, anyway. I love him. He’s the center of my world. The sun rises and sets with him for me, too.”

LITERALLY STOP. Loving him is great, but “love” should not mean “MY WORLD WOULD FUCKING END IF I LOST HIM.” You should be your own person, Ana. Come on.

“Make sure you tell him. Men need to hear that stuff just like we do.”

AH YES, LET’S REINFORCE THE GENDER STEREOTYPES A LITTLE MORE IN THIS BOOK. EVEN THOUGH MEN ARE EMOTIONALLY STUNTED SACKS OF TESTOSTERONE, THEY STILL NEED TO KNOW THAT YOU LOVE THEM!

Literally what the fuck, Ana’s mom.

…also I can’t remember for the life of me what her mom’s name is. If only someone had made some kind of character list to keep track of everyone in these books….

OH YEAH.

(P.S. her name is Carla. I just had to look it up. Thank god I made that character list, seriously, it’s so hard to keep track of everyone in this trash heap.)

Carla and her husband leave, and Ana and Christian leave then too. They come back at the end of the day, and they find that Ray has been taken off the ventilator and is breathing on his own. Ana starts reading the sports page to Ray, so he can hear the soccer scores.

Please, for the love of god, MAKE SOME ACTUAL FUCKING CONFLICT HAPPEN IN THE NEXT CHAPTER.

I’M SO BORED I’M GOING TO CRY.

HOLY SHIT.

Anyway, thanks again for reading! I’ll try and get the next chapter up next week, but as always, no guarantees.

]]>https://caitlinliveblogs.wordpress.com/2015/09/02/caitlin-liveblogs-fifty-shades-freed-chapter-18/feed/0cbrodie21vomit gif toddlers in tiarasACoops is judging youannoyed with paperCaitlin Liveblogs Fifty Shades Freed: Chapter 17https://caitlinliveblogs.wordpress.com/2015/08/26/caitlin-liveblogs-fifty-shades-freed-chapter-17/
https://caitlinliveblogs.wordpress.com/2015/08/26/caitlin-liveblogs-fifty-shades-freed-chapter-17/#commentsThu, 27 Aug 2015 01:14:27 +0000http://caitlinliveblogs.wordpress.com/?p=1122Continue reading →]]>[disclaimer: I don’t own any of the gifs used in this post. If you see a gif that you created and would either like credit for it or would like it taken down, please let me know.]

Here I am! Sorry (again…) for the MASSIVE delay, all of my other responsibilities have been taking priority, and it’s just been hard to find the time/energy for this blog. BUT I’M HERE. And I’m usually a wee bit more productive in the fall (what with the back-to-school vibe), so maybe these blogs will be a little more consistent. No promises though. You know I’m a nightmare about posting things on-time here. But I will do my best! And thank you SO SO SO much for your patience. As always, you guys are the absolute best.

RECAP: Ana returns back to work after their Aspen trip, and is immediately confronted by two of Christian’s ex-subs, Leila (the one who tried to shoot Ana) and Susi. Ana talks a lot about how beautiful the two women are (I ship it), and they talk to her about how they wanted to meet her because she “caught” Christian. Unsurprisingly, Christian calls and interrupts the whole meeting to literally scream at his wife for “disobeying instructions,” even though he never even GAVE her these instructions to not talk to his ex-subs. Ana, to her credit, hangs up, but knows that she’s got a storm coming (because her husband is an abusive nightmare but WHAT ELSE IS NEW). Leila and Ana talk about how they both love(d) Christian and how great he is, but then the object of their affection shows up and is a raging sack of shit, like he always is, to immediately fire Ana’s bodyguard (Prescott) for no real reason. He then yells at Ana about defying him, although Ana calmly explains that he’s full of shit. He also says he doesn’t want her “tainted” by his “old life.” Christian wants Ana to leave work early (probably so he can abuse her more), but Ana calls him on his bullshit. BUT THEN he completely derails the conversation and starts talking about sex. And then they do decide to go home, and of course have mind-blowing sex. BUT THEN a few days (and some obnoxious emails) later Ana gets a call from José’s father who says that her step-dad Ray has been in an accident.

Yeah, ok, we get it, he’s your father-figure. You keep beating that point home like we’re suddenly going to care about it, buuuuut we don’t. Saying “he’s basically my father!” doesn’t make Ray suddenly matter as a character.

So apparently Ray has been in a car accident, and he’s been airlifted to Portland. It appears that Mr. Rodriguez may have had something to do with the accident? Maybe he was driving the car? He says “Oh, Ana, I didn’t see the car. I just didn’t see it…” and his voice cracks. But if he was in the accident, why is he fine?

Ana leaves work in a hurry, cancelling all of her appointments for the day (I still don’t get how she magically became the senior editor at this publishing house but okay…). Ana tries to call Christian from the car, but he left his phone with his secretary, so Ana leaves a message with her. When the secretary asks if Ana is ok, she says “no” and just says to have Christian call her.

I bet Mr. Over-reaction totally won’t freak out about that one.

Ana’s phone rings a short time later.

“Christian,” I gasp.
“Christ, Ana. What’s wrong?”

Wow…surprisingly level-headed! Apparently Christian only gets upset when Ana violates one of his bullshit “rules,” but when she frantically calls and leaves a message that she’s not okay, all she gets is a “Christ, Ana.” Ugh.

“It’s Ray–he’s been in an accident.”
“Shit!”
“Yes. I am on my way to Portland.”

Has E.L. James EVER HEARD TWO HUMAN BEINGS HAVE A CONVERSATION.

“My dad’s hurt.”
“SHIT.”
“Yes.”

Christian apparently will meet Ana there in 3 hours, because he has a very important, non-specific business meeting with some guys from Taiwan about a “deal” they’ve been “hammering out for months.”

Why do I know nothing about this?

BECAUSE CHRISTIAN DOESN’T SHARE THINGS WITH YOU. BECAUSE HE LIKES TO CONTROL YOU, AND DOESN’T OPEN UP TO YOU, AND YOU’RE INVOLVED IN A VERY UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIP, CONGRATU-FUCKING-LATIONS.

FUN FACT, KIDS: TO MAKE YOUR CHARACTERS BELIEVABLE, DO SOME FUCKING RESEARCH.

If they’re in “business,” maybe spend 2 seconds of time and FIGURE OUT WHAT FUCKING KIND OF BUSINESS THEY DO, AND THEN TALK TO SOMEONE IN THAT BUSINESS SO YOU UNDERSTAND HOW IT WORKS AND CAN MAKE THAT CHARACTER’S LIFE AND EXPERIENCES MORE BELIEVABLE.

You cannot (or should not be able to…) get away with half-assing character development like this. It’s lazy, and it’s bullshit, and it’s boring. If we knew what kind of “business” Christian did, we would understand more about him and his day-to-day experiences. But, of course, if we knew what kind of business he did, his unrealistically high paycheck wouldn’t make sense, because you’re placing him in a world that is too real, as opposed to placing him in this fantasy world where people can just make billions of dollars per second doing “business” and people with a degree in English (and without an email address) can just waltz in and get a major publishing job in a matter of days.

Basically this whole book is bullshit fantasy escapism and it’s terrible. I more easily believe in Tolkien’s always-saves-the-day Eagle bullshit than I believe in any of this.

Oh, and of course Christian is going to FLY to Portland, even though the last time he flew he almost died (except not really, because his helicopter crashed and he LITERALLY didn’t get a scratch on him). So now Ana is freaking out about that too.

Ana arrives at the hospital and sees Mr. Rodriguez and José. Mr. Rodriguez is in a cast, but seems otherwise fine. Ana starts crying and José puts his arms around her and strokes her hair. I’m sure THAT will go over well with Christian.

Apparently Mr. Rodriguez, José and Ray were on a fishing trip, when they were hit by a drunk driver, who hit the passenger side of the car, where Ray was sitting. They have no idea how he’s doing, apparently.

Now Ana’s cold, so José puts his jacket on her shoulders.

I’m so glad E.L. James used a severe car accident as a plot device to set up a jealous meeting between José and Christian. Like…are you kidding me? If that’s honestly what this is leading up to I’m going to lose my mind. And I’m sure Christian will get mad at Ana for no reason and use sex to punish her for having a male friend.

WOOPS and now Ana and José are holding hands. Mr. Rodriguez is holding her other hand, BUT STILL. The potential drama is PALPABLE.

Oh but they stopped, because Sawyer (another bodyguard) brought Ana tea. But then they end up holding hands again.

Ana runs into his arms and is all comforted and whatever. Christian asks what the deal is, and they fill him in. He then sits down with Ana.

“Have you eaten?” he asks.
I shake my head.
“Are you hungry?”
I shake my head.
“But you’re cold?” he asks, eyeing José’s jacket.
He shifts in his chair, but wisely says nothing.

Oh wow, Christian is full of surprises this chapter! That’s twice now that I expected him to lose his shit, and he appears to be just mildly uncomfortable! I’m literally in shock right now.

But more importantly, what the fuck is that line of questioning? It sounds like he’s confused that she’s both not hungry AND cold. Like those two things rarely occur together or something. “You’re not hungry…but you’re cold???” *BRAIN EXPLODES*

WHY ARE YOU INTERRUPTING THE FUCKING DOCTOR, CHRISTIAN??? I KNOW YOU WANT EVERYONE TO KNOW THAT YOU’VE PEED IN A CIRCLE AROUND ANA AND SHE’S THEREFORE YOUR PROPERTY, BUT I THINK THERE ARE *SLIGHTLY* MORE IMPORTANT THINGS TO TALK ABOUT RIGHT NOW.

Apparently Ray is stable, but in critical condition. He’s suffered several severe internal injuries, and had severe contusions to the head, and had to be put in a coma while they monitor the brain swelling. Christian asks what the prognosis is, and the doctor says it’s possible Ray could make a complete recovery (which I’m sure he will, because this is Magic Christmas Land of Miracles), but it’s “in God’s hands now.”

The doctor leaves, and then so do Mr. Rodriguez and José. Ana gives José his jacket back, and Christian has Sawyer drive the two home, leaving Ana and Christian alone in the waiting room.

Ana asks how the helicopter was, and Christian says “she was yar,” which is apparently a reference to a movie, The Philadelphia Story.

“I don’t know it.”
“I think I have it on Blu-Ray at home. We can watch it and make out.” He kisses my hair and I smile once more.

DUDE, HER DAD MIGHT HAVE FUCKING BRAIN DAMAGE. HOLD OFF WITH YOUR “Netflix and Chill” BULLSHIT.

Ana asks about the Taiwan thing, and apparently Christian bought a shipyard over there, because it’s cheaper to do whatever businessy things he needs to do over there. I’m glad that even in Magic Christmas Land of Miracles outsourcing and the exploitation of under-paid workers by rich white assholes is still a thing. We can’t suspend our belief TOO much, now can we.

They go check on Ray. This whole section is written as several short paragraphs describing the scene, separated by Ana thinking “Daddy” in italics every few lines.

I say again: calling him “daddy” doesn’t make us give a singular shit about him.

Better idea: Why not take this time to give us some flashbacks of Ana’s time growing up with Ray? SHOW US their relationship, rather than just telling us that we’re supposed to care. MAKE US CARE. You don’t get to take shortcuts with this stuff.

Or apparently you DO get to take shortcuts, because this awful book has made TONS of money, despite it’s GLARING flaws in writing and story. So apparently there are no rules for writing! Who gives a shit! Write whatever you want, make it sexy, and you’ll make millions!

Christian leaves Ana alone with unconscious Ray, because he has to “make a phone call.” Probably to do more unexplained “business.” I honestly wouldn’t be surprised if his “business” was just selling sex slaves. To be honest, that makes 100% more sense than anything else.

Ana starts telling Ray all about her trip to Aspen, and plans an imaginary fishing trip for Ray and Christian to go on. Again, this interaction is basically meaningless, and it would be way more interesting to see Ana going “Hey, dad, remember that time…?” and telling a story about their relationship, because then at least we would see WHY she cares so much about this man who is not her biological father. But of course, this is E.L. James, not a writer who cares about telling a good story, so instead we get an empty interaction.

Christian persuades Ana to leave for the night, and they go to the suite at the hotel where Ana and Christian first got together. Ana wants to take a bath, and they head into the bedroom to get to the bathroom. Ana is, understandably, pretty numb and upset about the whole Ray-might-have-brain-damage-and-is-in-a-coma thing.

“Oh, Ana,” Christian murmurs. “I’ve not seen you like this. You’re normally so brave and strong.”

First of all, when has she been brave and strong? When she’s trying not to cry because you’re beating her and she feels like she can’t say no because she “loves” you? When she stands up to you for 2 seconds before ultimately backing down in the face of your threats of (often sexual) abuse?

Second, HER DAD IS IN A FUCKING COMA AND MIGHT HAVE BRAIN DAMAGE?! WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU EXPECT, CHRISTIAN?

I swear to fucking GOD, if they bone right now, while Ana is this emotionally wrecked, I am going to LOSE MY ENTIRE FUCKING MIND.

They’re taking a bath together…but surprisingly all they do is talk? They eventually get out, and find bags of clothes (recently purchased by Taylor, Christian’s other body guard) for them in the bedroom. And…they put them on! This chapter literally could not be more surprising!

Apparently tomorrow is Ana’s birthday. Ugh. I’m sure we’ll get some truly vomit-inducing birthday sex out of that one.

They go visit Ray again before visiting hours end. José is there again, and he and Christian eye each other warily, but do nothing. José says Ray is doing well, and promises to come back tomorrow, and wants to know if Ana will be there. She assures him that they will be.

José eyes Christian quickly then pulls me into a brief hug. “Mañana.”

I don’t think E.L. James has ever encountered an actual Mexican person in her entire fucking life. Why the FUCK would José, a bilingual citizen of the United States, randomly use the Spanish word for “tomorrow” when talking to his white, non-Spanish-speaking friend? OH RIGHT, IT’S ALMOST LIKE HE’S A RACIST CARICATURE OF A MEXICAN PERSON, BECAUSE E.L. JAMES CAN’T BE BOTHERED TO EVEN DO RUDIMENTARY RESEARCH ON HOW PEOPLE TALK TO EACH OTHER, SO INSTEAD SHE RELIES ON RACIST TROPES AND STEREOTYPES TO DRIVE HOME THE IDEA THAT HER CAST OF CHARACTERS IS SOoOoOoOoO DIVERSE BECAUSE IT INCLUDES A SINGULAR NON-WHITE PERSON.

These books are so awful about glorifying abuse that most people don’t see or tend to forget how blatantly racist things get.

[Fun fact: this is the place where WordPress pretended to delete this entire post without saving it. I somehow managed to get it back, and I’m not sure how, but you can thank the Technology Gods for giving you this post, because I was about to rage quit, I was so fucking mad. But now it’s ok! The post came back! If you hate-blog something hard enough, it will always come back to you. Remember that, kids.]

While José is walking away, Christian tells Ana that José is still “nuts” about her.

“No he’s not. And even if he is..” I shrug because right now I just don’t care.
Christian gives me a tight smile, and my heart melts.
“Well done,” I murmur.
He frowns.
“For not frothing at the mouth.”
He gapes at me, wounded, but amused, too. “I’ve never frothed.”

Ah, yes, give Christian a “well done” sticker for not literally murdering your male friend who gave you a friendly hug in a time of stress/grief/need. Good job, Christian, what a nice guy.

They go see Ray, and SURPRISE, Christian’s mom, Grace, is there. Apparently she went to school with Ray’s doctor. But she’s not helping with Ray’s treatment, so I don’t really know why she’s there??? But talking to her and Ray’s doctor makes Ana feel better, so at least that’s good.

They head back to the hotel, with Ana seeming “brighter,” according to Christian. He tells her that she should get some sleep.

He’s right. I’m so tired. It’s been an emotional day. I crane my head around and gaze at him a beat. We’re not going to make love? And I’m relieved. In fact, he’s had a totally hands-off approach with me all day. I wonder if I should be alarmed by this turn of events, but since my inner goddess has left the building and taken my libido with her, I’ll think about it in the morning.

Good job, Christian! You managed to reign in your furious libido for a good several hours! What a good husband!

But Ana, why the fuck would you be alarmed? You realize you don’t have to have sex with Christian every day for him to love you, right? You can, you know, not have sex for a day or two and he won’t dump you…or at least he shouldn’t dump you, but who fucking knows.

“Promise me something,” he says softly.
“Hmm?” It’s a question that I’m too tired to articulate.
“Promise me you’ll eat something tomorrow. I can just about tolerate you wearing another man’s jacket without frothing at the mouth, but, Ana…you must eat. Please.”

Ughhhh, AGAIN with the treating Ana like a child thing. Like, she’s a grown woman, you can’t force her to eat? You can ask her to eat but like…she’s going through a lot, maybe try to be supportive instead of saying she HAS to eat to please you? Like, I get it, he’s being concerned, and he has a weird thing about food (which I guess is supposed to count as character development…), but the way he frames this is just weird. Why is he bringing up the Jacket thing? Is he going to get pissed off at Ana and force her to eat? Like…that’s fucked up?

Ana thanks Christian for being there with her.

“Where else would I be? I want to be wherever you are, Ana. Being here makes me think of how far we’ve come. And the night I first slept with you. What a night that was. I watched you for hours. You were just…yar,” he breathes.

First of all, no one cares about his bizarre movie reference. Referencing pop culture is 99% a bad idea, unless you can do it REALLY well and make it fit the story (see Ernest Cline’s Ready Player One for an excellent example of pop culture references done right). So this “yar” thing is useless, and no one really gets what it means, and honestly it cheapens what’s supposed to be a sweet moment.

Secondly…WHY DID YOU WATCH HER FOR HOURS. THAT’S FUCKING CREEPY. GTFO. If someone told me they watched me for hours I would CALL THE FUCKING POLICE AND/OR MACE THEIR FUCKING FACE. That’s creepy and stalkerish and is only ok if you’re watching the person in order to wake them up in the event of a Freddie Kruger attack. That is the ONLY ACCEPTABLE SITUATION FOR THAT BEHAVIOR.

But, we all knew Christian was a creepy fuck from the beginning, so none of this is shocking.

Christian tells Ana to go to sleep, and she does.

End of Chapter Seventeen

WHEW. We got there boys and girls. I can’t tell you how furious I was when I thought I had lost 2 hours worth of work. That setback almost cost another week of delays, because I honestly just didn’t have the mental stability to pull another 2 hours of rage-blogging out of my ass, and wouldn’t have been able to retype the post for several days, at best.

BUT, the gods of technology have smiled on us this day.

So, with chapter 17 done, we’ve got a total of 12 chapters left of this festival of nightmares (which includes 8 regular chapters, an epilogue, and 3 bonus chapters, which are relatively short mega-blasts of utter drivel, so those’ll be fun). We’re getting closer! With the end (almost) in sight, hopefully I’ll be getting these posts out more regularly, but again, no guarantees.

I can’t apologize enough for all the delays I’ve put you guys through. For those of you still here, from the bottom of my heart, thank you. You guys make this shitstorm worth braving.

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https://caitlinliveblogs.wordpress.com/2015/08/26/caitlin-liveblogs-fifty-shades-freed-chapter-17/feed/2cbrodie21black widow reallyawwww shiiitass trophyare you fucking kidding meGOT judgementCaitlin Liveblogs Fifty Shades Freed: Chapter 16https://caitlinliveblogs.wordpress.com/2015/05/04/caitlin-liveblogs-fifty-shades-freed-chapter-16/
https://caitlinliveblogs.wordpress.com/2015/05/04/caitlin-liveblogs-fifty-shades-freed-chapter-16/#commentsMon, 04 May 2015 20:19:57 +0000http://caitlinliveblogs.wordpress.com/?p=1112Continue reading →]]>[disclaimer: I don’t own any of the gifs used in this post. If you see a gif that you created and would either like credit for it or would like it taken down, please let me know.]

This whole series is literally exhausting. I also just heard that E.L. James wants to publish a how-to guide for writing. Is this how the world ends? Because that’s sure what it feels like this all is leading to.

ANYWAY. Let’s do a recap, because I seem to have willfully forgotten everything that happened in the last chapter.

RECAP: So Ana and Christian are still in Aspen with their friends. The last chapter opened with them discussing the whole “some guy danced with/was very creepy towards Ana and she slapped him and then Christian punched him” thing. And then they discuss the spanking and rough sex stuff they like. And then Christian says that he’d like to “subdue” Ana in bed while she “resists” him. So they have gross rape-play sex and it made me really uncomfortable. They go back home, and Ana goes back to work. But she doesn’t REALLY go back to work because she spends all her time emailing Christian. E.L. James uses these emails as a really stupid, boring way to show that time is passing. Cut to a few days in the future, when suddenly Leila (the crazy girl with a gun who showed up in Ana’s apartment and was really weird but at no point actually posed an actual threat) shows up at Ana’s office. THE SUSPENSE IS KILLING ME.

(No it isn’t)

Chapter Sixteen

So apparently Leila brought a friend with her. But we don’t get to find out who it is or why they’re here yet, because first Ana’s bodyguard, a woman named Prescott, needs to talk to Ana. We find out that Ana has a “proscribed list of visitors,” basically a watch-list of people who shouldn’t be allowed to “come into contact with” Ana. Even though Leila is just mentally ill and doesn’t actually pose a threat to Ana and has been receiving treatment for her mental breakdown. The girl is literally like 100lbs when soaking wet, I doubt she’s a threat to much of anyone, especially when she doesn’t have a gun.

Prescott didn’t even want to let Leila in the building, but she was in the bathroom at the time, and Leila got past her and to the reception. This is all very riveting and I’m so thrilled to be reading this right now. Much excitement. Very wow.

Prescott advises Ana against seeing Leila, but Ana says she wants to know why they came to see her, so finally they agree that Ana will see them, but first Prescott will search them.

My brain is literally liquefying, this is the most boring thing I’ve ever read in my whole life.

Of course Ana emails Christian to tell him about all this, and says not to worry and that she’ll call when the meeting is over. Lol. Christian is going to show up and fucking murder Leila. He is the literal king of overreaction. I have no idea why Ana thinks this email will appease him, but okay.

Uh…are you going to…seduce them? “My husband’s ex-submissive who once pointed a gun at me is here to see me. Better look as sexy as possible to protect myself!” What the fuck.

I know, I know, she’s trying to intimidate Leila by showing her how sexy and cool Ana is, but like…come on, man. It’s not a contest. It couldn’t be LESS of a contest. You married the guy. I do not understand anything about this.

Leila looks much better. More than better–she’s very attractive. There’s a rosy bloom to her cheeks, and her brown eyes are bright, her hair clean and shiny.

LITERALLY ANA COULD NOT BE MORE OF A LESBIAN. She’s VIOLENTLY IN LOVE with Kate, and now she appears to have fallen head-over-heels for Leila. No wonder Ana wanted to flash a little cleavage. Someone write some Ana/Leila fics ASAP.

So apparently the other girl (who also has dark hair) is named Susi, and she was also a former submissive of Christian’s. While Ana invites them to sit, her secretary says that Christian is on the phone and was “very insistent.” Cool, Christian. Let your wife handle something on her own for once in her life. Although idk why Ana even told him anything, she had to know that he’d freak out.

So Susi says that she wanted to meet “the woman who captured Christian.” Because apparently he’s a mythical creature that requires capturing. We also learn that they call themselves the “sub club.” Which is…a weird phrase. Subway needs to copyright that phrase as soon as possible.

But then Susi leaves? Because this whole meeting is Leila’s show? But before Leila can say anything…Christian calls Prescott. Who gives the phone to Ana.

“What the fuck are you playing at?” he shouts. He’s seething.

Oh yes, good, scream at your wife for meeting with someone before getting your permission. It must be really hard for her to get through her work day, since she’s not allowed to talk to anyone without you giving the OK first.

Seriously, this controlling, manipulative bullshit is so out of control. How do people read this and go “ah, yes, perfect, this is the man for me!”

“I gave specific instructions which you have completely disregarded–again. Hell, Ana, I am fucking furious.”

YOU DIDN’T EVEN GIVE ANA THOSE INSTRUCTIONS. YOU GAVE THOSE INSTRUCTIONS TO HER BODY GUARD, AND ONCE AGAIN KEPT ANA OUT OF THE LOOP, BECAUSE YOU EXPECT HER TO JUST FOLLOW YOUR ORDERS. WHY DON’T YOU TRY GIVING ANA ALL THE INFORMATION YOU HAVE AND THEN ALLOWING HER TO MAKE HER OWN GODDAMNED DECISIONS BASED ON THAT INFORMATION?? SHE IS A GROWN-ASS ADULT WHO CAN MAKE HER OWN GODDAMNED DECISIONS.

“When you’re calmer, we will talk about this.”
“Don’t you hang up on me,” he hisses.
“Goodbye, Christian.” I hang up and switch off Prescott’s phone.

I…I can’t believe it! Ana was being reasonable and openly defied Christian’s wishes! THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.

Holy Shit. I don’t have long with Leila.

Like she LITERALLY KNOWS THIS. She knows Christian is going to come to her office and flip the fuck out all because she’s talking to someone he decided she shouldn’t be allowed to talk to. What is Christian afraid of? That Ana will get hurt? Ana took down Jack Hyde, a guy who was bigger and (probably) stronger than her. I think she can handle little waif-like Leila. But it won’t even come to that, because Christian’s already given Ana a body guard. Who’s already made sure Leila has no weapons. So…calm the fuck down, Christian.

So Leila says she wants to apologize and to thank Ana for not pressing charges for the whole breaking-into-Ana’s-apartment thing. She’s not supposed to be here, but she had to get some things, and she wanted to see Susi, and she also wanted to see Ana and Mr. Grey. She wants to ask Ana if that’s okay.

I gape at her, and I want to tell her that it’s not okay. I don’t want her anywhere near my husband. Why is she here? To assess the opposition? To unsettle me? Or perhaps she needs this as some sort of closure?

“A girl is here to see my husband! SHE’S TRYING TO STEAL HIM AWAY!!! Or maybe she’s just being very reasonable and wants to see him to get some closure and move on…BUT SHE’S PROBABLY TRYING TO STEAL HIM AWAY!”

Come on, Ana.

“Leila.” I flounder, exasperated. “It’s not up to me, it’s up to Christian. You’ll need to ask him. He doesn’t need my permission. He’s a grown man…most of the time.”

If only Christian could give Ana this kind of respect. Also Christian is FOR SURE not a grown man. He is a giant baby.

Apparently Christian has refused all of Leila’s attempts to see him, and all Leila wants is to thank Christian for getting her the proper treatment after her “psychotic episode.”

To my surprise, I feel no ill will toward her. It’s a revelation, and I’m glad she’s better.

“Society has told me I should hate all other women, especially my husband’s exes, but weirdly I don’t! THAT’S SO STRANGE, IT’S ALMOST LIKE HATING OTHER WOMEN JUST BECAUSE THEY’VE TOUCHED YOUR HUSBAND’S PENIS IS A RIDICULOUS WAY TO LIVE YOUR LIFE.”

Seriously. Stop the girl hate. It’s very silly and not worth it.

Ana finds out that Leila was just in town to pick up her belongings that Susi had, and then she plans to return to the East coast and continue painting. Apparently Christian already owns several of Leila’s paintings, and just never told Ana about it, because keeping secrets from his wife is literally his favorite thing to do.

Leila then starts talking about how she loved her boyfriend, the one who died earlier this year, which was the event that caused her breakdown. She also had a husband, who she loved…but I thought she left her husband for her boyfriend? I have no idea what the fuck is happening.

“I loved my husband…and one other,” she murmurs.

“MY DOG. I LOVED MY DOG SO MUCH. CAN YOU GET ME A NEW DOG, PLEASE? GOD, WHY EVEN HAVE HUSBANDS WHEN YOU CAN HAVE DOGS. LIKE SERIOUSLY.”

^The dialogue that should have happened.

“My husband.” The words are out of my mouth before I can stop them.

How the fuck does Christian con so many women into falling in love with them when he CLEARLY doesn’t care about any of them as actual people? He only sees women as property? And all of these women are like “OMG SO ROMANTIC I AM SO IN LOVE WOW”. I do not get it.

“I know. He’s very easy to love,” I whisper.

I don’t…

I…

No. Just…no.

So Leila’s whole plan, it turns out, was to basically see Ana and thus lure Christian there to see her, because she knew he would freak out and rush over once he knew Ana was disobeying him. And this is the man they’re both violently in love with. Please, someone explain this to me.

WHOOOPS Christian just showed up.

Christian’s burning gray gaze pins first me then Leila to our chairs. His demeanor is quietly determined, but I know better, and I suspect Leila does, too. The menacing cool glint in his eyes reveals the truth–he’s emanating rage, though he hides it well. In his gray suit, with his dark tie loosened and the top button of his white shirt undone, he looks at once businesslike and casual…and hot.

…excuse me? The man who just DISRUPTED HIS ENTIRE WORK DAY, WITH THE SOLE PURPOSE OF DISCIPLINING YOU FOR BREAKING A RULE YOU NEVER KNEW EXISTED, is…hot? His frothing rage is attractive?

WHAT

THE

FUCK

IS

WRONG

WITH

YOU.

Oh, and Christian immediately fires Prescott. What a nice guy. He then threatens to take away all of the things he’s given Leila (doctors, art school, medical insurance…) if she comes near Ana again. Such a generous guy! So nice!

“Christian–” I try again. But he silences me with a chilling look. Why is he being so unreasonable?

Because he IS unreasonable. He’s an asshole. I don’t know why it’s been 2.5 books and you still haven’t figured this out.

He then says he’ll have someone take Leila to the airport, and she’s not allowed to take one step “west of the Mississippi.” Lol okay, that’s reasonable. Leila, however, is loving this, because apparently when you’re a submissive you just love it when people are assholes to you and control every aspect of your life even when you’re no longer in a dom/sub relationship with them. Because that’s how BDSM works! You give someone total control over your entire life forever, and you can never take it back! FUN!

So then Leila leaves. And Christian turns on Ana, and is super pissed off, as always.

“You promised you wouldn’t do this.” Now his tone is accusatory.
“Do what?”
“Defy me.”
“No I didn’t. I said I’d be more considerate. I told you she was here. I had Prescott search her, and your other little friend, too. Prescott was with me the entire time. Now you’ve fired the poor woman, when she was only doing what I asked. I told you not to worry, yet here you are. I don’t remember receiving your papal bull decreeing that I couldn’t see Leila. I didn’t know that my visitors were subject to a proscribed list.”

FUCK YEAH. GO OFF, ANA.

…Except Christian just hears that and suddenly is fine. Another of his scary, constant mood swings. Seriously, she never knows when he’s going to switch from mad to sad to happy, and that’s not good. He is an active nightmare.

Ana calls him out on being a jerk to Leila, and she asks him why he was so callous towards her.

“Anastasia,” he says, as if to a child. “You don’t understand. Leila, Susannah–all of them–they were a pleasant, diverting pastime. But that’s all. You are the center of my universe. And the last time you two were in a room together, she had you at gunpoint. I don’t want her anywhere near you.”

“Listen, little baby wifey poo, you just don’t understand! These women were basically objects to me, toys to play with and throw away, and therefore I can’t be callous towards them because they’re not people! Silly Ana, thinking that women are people again.”

Like, how the fuck does that even answer the question, Christian? And why are you being so fucking patronizing???

Ana brings up the fact that Leila was ill, and now she’s better, so it’s fine, but to Christian it still isn’t fine.

“I don’t want you tainted with my old life.”

Stop talking about your past BDSM relationships as if they were some dirty, terrible thing? I mean, the way YOU did them, they WERE terrible, but that’s because you’re a terrible person. Christian acts like his relationships with his subs were these sinful things, and then he meets Ana and it’s all pure and good, even though he still does all the BDSM stuff with Ana? I just don’t understand his character development (or lack thereof) at all.

“Christian…you are who you are because of your old life, your new life, whatever. What touches you, touches me. I accepted that when I agreed to marry you, because I love you.”

YOU SHOULD HAVE HAD THIS CONVERSATION BEFORE YOU GOT MARRIED BUT OKAY.

“She didn’t hurt me. She loves you, too.”
“I don’t give a fuck.”

What a nice guy!

“Look, Christian, I don’t think Leila and I will be swapping recipes and knitting patterns any time soon.”

The gender roles are strong with this one.

“But I didn’t think you’d be so heartless to her.”
His eyes frost. “I told you once, I don’t have a heart,” he mutters.

UUUUGGGHHH THIS IS GETTING SO OLD.

WE KNOW YOU HATE YOURSELF, CHRISTIAN. I HATE YOU TOO. CONGRATULATIONS. GET OVER IT.

Also you clearly do have a heart because you’re in love with Ana? None of what you’re saying makes any sense. I get it, you hate yourself, and your low self-esteem is very tragic and understandable, but that doesn’t excuse your fucking actions. You’re still a terrible person, regardless of what happened to you in the past.

uuuuuuggggggggghhhhhhhh and now Ana is trying to convince Christian that he does have a heart and is worth loving.

I could not give less fucks right now.

[also May the Fourth be with you.]

“This discussion is over. Let’s go home.”
I glance at my watch. It’s four twenty-three. I have work to do. “It’s too early,” I mutter.
“Home,” he insists.

CHRISTIAN YOU DON’T GET TO FUCKING DICTATE WHEN ANA LEAVES WORK. YOU’RE NOT HER FUCKING BOSS (technically…even though you own the company…) YOU’RE NOT FUCKING ALLOWED TO JUST ORDER HER TO GO HOME.

“I’m tired of having the same argument with you.”
He frowns, as if he doesn’t understand.
“You know,” I elucidate, “I do something you don’t like, and you think of some way to get back at me. Usually involving some of your kinky fuckery, which is either mind-blowing or cruel.” I shrug, resigned. This is exhausting and confusing.

THIS IS TEXTBOOK SIGNS OF AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP.

CHRISTIAN BLAMES ANA FOR HIS OWN ABUSIVE BEHAVIOR. HE ACTS LIKE HE HAS TO PUNISH HER FOR DISOBEYING HIM, EVEN THOUGH HE NEVER TOLD HER WHAT THE RULES WERE SO HOW CAN SHE KNOW WHEN SHE’S DISOBEYING HIM?

THIS BOOK ROMANTICIZES AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP.

I DON’T KNOW HOW MANY MORE TIMES I CAN SAY THIS.

“Mind-blowing?” he asks.What?“Usually, yes.”
“What was mind-blowing?” he asks, his eyes now shimmering with amused sensual curiosity.

FUCK YOU CHRISTIAN. YOU ARE COMPLETELY DERAILING THIS ENTIRE CONVERSATION BECAUSE YOU DON’T WANT TO OWN UP TO THE FACT THAT YOU’RE AN ABUSIVE PIECE OF SHIT.

AND THEN THEY JUST START TALKING ABOUT ALL THE “KINKY FUCKERY” THAT ANA LIKED. AND THEY COMPLETELY IGNORE THE VERY IMPORTANT DISCUSSION THEY WERE JUST HAVING.

FUCK.

Oh for the love of god, now Christian is suggesting that they have kinky sex IN ANA’S OFFICE. WHILE HER STAFF IS STILL VERY MUCH IN THE BUILDING, IN FACT THEY ARE RIGHT OUTSIDE HER OFFICE DOOR.

Then Ana has a weird daydream about Christian leaving her behind just the way he left Leila behind.

“No…” The words are out of my mouth in whispered horror before I can stop them.
“Yes,” he says, and grasping my chin, he leans down and plants a tender kiss on my lips.

HAS E.L. JAMES NEVER FUCKING HEARD OF CONSENT BEFORE IN HER ENTIRE LIFE? ANA CLEARLY SAID NO, AND THEN CHRISTIAN SAYS YES AND KISSES HER, AND THAT’S SO GROSS AND CREEPY AND I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT TO SAY ANYMORE.

“Oh, Christian, you scare me sometimes.”

YEAH BECAUSE HE’S A SCARY PIECE OF SHIT WHO DOESN’T CARE ABOUT CONSENT OR ANY OF THE RULES OF BDSM RELATIONSHIPS.

OH, BUT SHE’S NOT SCARED BECAUSE OF HIS MOOD SWINGS, OR ANY OF HIS OTHER TERRIFYING PERSONALITY TRAITS.

“You could turn away from her so easily…”
He frowns. “And you think I might turn away from you, Ana? Why the hell would you think that?”

ANA HE IS A PSYCHOPATH WHO TREATS WOMEN LIKE OBJECTS AND WANTS TO CONTROL YOUR ENTIRE LIFE AND WANTS TO PUNISH YOU WHENEVER YOU DISOBEY ONE OF HIS ARBITRARY RULES. HE IS AN ABUSIVE FUCKHEAD AND YOU SHOULD BE AFRAID OF HIM HURTING YOU. YOU SHOULD NOT BE AFRAID OF HIM LEAVING YOU. THAT SHOULD BE THE LAST THING YOU’RE WORRIED ABOUT. THAT WOULD ACTUALLY BE A BLESSING.

Oh, but now she wants him to kiss her and take her home. Because she can’t actually stand up to him for 2 fucking seconds without backing down. Fuck.

uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuUUUGGGHHHH AND THEN IT CUTS RIGHT TO A SEX SCENE.

WHY.

WHY AM I TORTURING MYSELF LIKE THIS.

Ugh he has her tied up and is teasing her and then eating her out. Cool. But she’s not allowed to orgasm? I literally don’t care. I think I’m one of the few people reading these books for the awful, awful plot, and all these sex scenes are just gross and boring, and they’re all basically the same.

The sex is mind-blowing, as per usual. Good for them.

But afterwards, Ana demands that Christian admit that he still cares about Leila’s well-being. Because apparently she needs to know this because if he DOESN’T care then he’s just a heartless bastard. I mean, even I know he’s not a heartless bastard, he’s just a regular bastard. He very much has a heart, he’s just a nightmare.

And now we get another set of flirty emails while they’re at work, talking about how great their sex is. Cool. I literally could not care less.

While at work, Ana gets a call from José’s dad, Mr. Rodriguez.

“Honey, I’m sorry to call you at work. It’s Ray.” His voice falters.
“What is it? What’s happened?” My heart leaps into my throat.
“Ray’s been in an accident.”Oh, no. Daddy. I stop breathing.
“He’s in the hospital. You’d better get here quick.”

End of Chapter Sixteen

Ugh, can we please stop doing this? Stop injuring/killing people just to manufacture drama in your boring, plot-driven story? I mean, if a character gets injured or killed fine, it’s whatever, but this feels SUPER FORCED, and it feels like E.L. James knew her story was getting boring and had to spice it up a little bit, and instead of making it interesting by developing her characters better, she decides to throw in a big plot event to try and cling to what little interest her readers have left.

We haven’t heard anything about Ray in MANY chapters. If this accident is supposed to be an important plot point that WASN’T just invented to manufacture fake drama, we should have heard about Ray far more recently. Even if Ana just mentioned something about him, like she thought about him in this chapter, or she thought about how she is meaning to call him, that would make this plot twist better, because this accident wouldn’t just come out of left field and blind-side the reader.

Basically, this accident with Ray is a cheap trick that James is using to try and sustain the reader’s interest because she knows that her characters are boring and under-developed and her plot in this book is bland and all over the place. This is a very fanfiction-y problem to have.

But I guess we’ll have to wait until the next chapter to see how truly awful this plot is going to end up being.

Thank you guys SO MUCH for all your patience, as always! No guarantees on when the next chapter will be out…hopefully before the end of the month, but lord knows I’m terrible at updating this. But I must charge forward! For you readers! And for the good of the realm!

Thanks for reading! Up next…chapter 17…out of 25 total chapters (plus an epilogue…plus 3 bonus chapters…ugh).

]]>https://caitlinliveblogs.wordpress.com/2015/05/04/caitlin-liveblogs-fifty-shades-freed-chapter-16/feed/4cbrodie21statler and waldorf sleepinglesbianclapping joel mchaleyou just know he's gonna kill youwhat the fuck jay z beyoncejudging nicolas cagestar wars look at all the fucks I don't givestar wars look at them anakinCaitlin Liveblogs Fifty Shades Freed: Chapter 15https://caitlinliveblogs.wordpress.com/2015/02/03/caitlin-liveblogs-fifty-shades-freed-chapter-15/
https://caitlinliveblogs.wordpress.com/2015/02/03/caitlin-liveblogs-fifty-shades-freed-chapter-15/#commentsTue, 03 Feb 2015 21:31:07 +0000http://caitlinliveblogs.wordpress.com/?p=1103Continue reading →]]>[disclaimer: I don’t own any of the gifs used in this post. If you see a gif that you created and would either like credit for it or would like it taken down, please let me know.]

God I hate these books. But, the show must go on! So here’s another chapter.

RECAP: Elliot proposes to Kate, and she says yes (what a shocker). They go to a club and the girls sexy-dance while the boys stay sitting. While Ana is dancing, she feels someone come up and start dancing behind her, and she thinks it’s Christian, but it’s NOT CHRISTIAN, it’s some blonde douchebag. Ana gets really mad and demands that he stop touching her, to which the douchebag replies: “Come on, Sugar, it’s just some fun.” Ana slaps him (thank GOD), and then immediately Christian is there and punches the guy. Ana then starts feeling bad for asserting her right to personal space and insists that the REAL reason she slapped the guy was because she knew that Christian would be mad that someone touched his property. Because “wife” means “property of man” apparently. The group leaves the club, and apparently Ana is trashed. Christian puts her to bed and then goes to make some phone calls. Ana thinks about how they’ve made “progress,” although clearly no progress has been made and honestly I think that’s just drunk-brain talking.

It’s only 2 in the afternoon but I honestly might go open a beer to get through this chapter…

Chapter Fifteen

Ana wakes up and is magically not hungover from the night before. Are you kidding me? She was too drunk to take off her goddamned shoes, and she wakes up feeling fine?

Oh right, your husband also controls what you eat and drink! What a healthy, non-manipulative relationship! Hah hah hah! #whatthefuck

I smile as I remember him putting me to bed. That was sweet, real sweet, and unexpected.

What the fuck did you expect him to do, leave you on the floor somewhere? How the fuck are you surprised that he put you to bed when you were wasted. On what planet is that “unexpected” from your goddamned husband. Let’s all give Christian a sticker to congratulate him for being a DECENT FUCKING HUMAN BEING. WOW, SO IMPRESSIVE.

They start discussing what happened last night, and Christian is still mad that some guy touched Ana, which is how anyone should react to a situation like that, but since I know that he’s mad because some guy touched his property and isn’t mad because someone invaded his wife’s personal space and touched her without her permission, he’s still a fucking asshole. Right emotion, wrong motive.

Ana of course downplays the whole event, probably because she’s scared of what he’ll do to her if he remains angry. They talk about how her palm is still red and sore because of her slapping that guy, and this leads into a conversation about Christian spanking Ana, which I really hope doesn’t happen because I honestly can’t stomach any gross, manipulative sex right now.

“That’s quite a right arm you have there, Mrs. Grey.”
“You’d do well to remember that, Mr. Grey.”
“Oh really?” He rolls suddenly so that he’s fully on top of me, pressing me into the mattress, holding my wrists above my head. He gazes down at me.
“I’d fight you any day, Mrs. Grey. In fact, subduing you in bed is a fantasy of mine.”

Ughhhhhhhh this whole relationship is a goddamned mess. Of course you fantasize about subduing your wife in bed, because you get off on CONTROLLING AND HARMING WOMEN.

“I thought you subdued me all the time.” I gasp as he nibbles my earlobe.
“Hmm…but I’d like some resistance,” he murmurs, his nose skirting my jaw.

You only want “resistance” so you can feel more in-control, Christian. I get that this is a pretty popular fantasy for a lot of people, but given your past history of abuse, manipulation and dangerous fantasies/tendencies, something tells me that this “fantasy” goes a lot further than just play. In fact, wanting “resistance” makes this seem an awful lot like a rape fantasy, which, coming from Christian, is REALLY FUCKING SCARY.

HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN ABOUT ALL THE TIMES HE HAS ACTUALLY HURT YOU? LIKE THE BELT? HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN THE TIME WHEN HE BEAT YOU WITH A BELT SO HARD IT MADE YOU BREAK UP WITH HIM?

If you’re married to someone and you constantly wonder “will they hurt me?” YOU NEED TO LEAVE THAT PERSON. THAT IS A DANGEROUS PERSON. THIS IS NOT ROMANTIC, GOD DAMMIT.

Ugh, now they’re going to “play” and Ana is going to resist him. Ughhhhhhhh.

[I’m going to put a trigger warning here for rape, because this next part might be hard for some people to read. Lord knows I’m having enough trouble typing it.]

Christian makes a low, sexy sound in his throat and moves, tossing me onto the bed beside him. I cry out in surprise, then he’s on top of me, and I start to struggle as he makes a grab for my hands. Roughly, I place my hands on his chest, pushing with all my might, trying to move him, while he endeavors to pry my legs apart with his knee.
I continue pushing at his chest–jeez he’s heavy– but he doesn’t flinch, doesn’t freeze as he once might have. He’s enjoying this! He attempts to grab my wrists, and finally captures one, despite my valiant attempt to twist it free. It’s my sore hand, so I surrender it to him, but grab his hair with my other hand and pull hard.
“Ah!” He yanks his head free and gazes down at me, his eyes wild and carnal.

Now, again, I know rape-play can be something that occurs in safe, consensual BDSM relationships, and is even a fantasy for some people, but given Christian’s history and temperament, this part of the book is EXTREMELY SCARY. They didn’t discuss any safe-words here, and if she says stop, I have ZERO faith that he’ll actually stop. Ana does seem to be enjoying this playing, and she gave the whole thing the go-ahead from the beginning, so at least this part is consensual, but I’m still very nervous. This whole scene sounds like a vivid description of rape, and that’s alarming.

So after all this, Christian suddenly switches to being tender and gentle, which is very confusing for Ana. She wants some rough sex, and he isn’t giving it to her, so she fights him off and basically demands sex, and Christian complies. This whole interaction is so strange.

Afterwards they talk a little bit about it, and it’s revealed that this particular fantasy never took place with any of Christian’s other submissives, because they weren’t allowed to touch him, while Ana is. Ana brings up the fact that Mrs. Robinson could touch him, and Christian says yes but that was different, specifically “bad different,” and he finally seems to understand that his relationship with Mrs. Robinson was wrong and fucked up, so that’s nice. And then they have sex again, but we don’t have to read about it.

They finally head downstairs, where everyone is having breakfast. Christian is outside talking to one of the housekeepers, and is swinging a cane around for some reason? Mia seems mad at Ethan (Kate’s brother). Kate and Ana gush about how they’re going to be sisters. Yawn. Then they all fly back home.

Lots of uninteresting Ana-Narration happening now. We’re reminded that they have a meeting with Gia, the architect who’s designing their house and who tried to seduce Christian. We’re also reminded that Jack Hyde is still in jail, but may have an accomplice on the loose. Gia tells Ana that it was a coincidence that she was in Aspen at the same time as them, so I guess nothing sneaky was going on with her and Elliot, which is good.

Ana starts thinking about how being with his family seems to relax Christian.

Holy crap! Maybe that’s the answer. Maybe he needs his own family.

“Hmm…my husband has scary, unpredictable mood swings, and I’m never sure if he’s going to hurt me or not…I know what will fix this! Let’s have babies!”

Ana concludes, however, that they’re not ready for a family. Thank. Fucking. God.

Ana asks Christian if he “misses it” (referring to the dom/sub stuff, and the caning and whatnot). Christian says he doesn’t. Ana says she wouldn’t mind “playing” with like a flogger or a riding crop, and Christian says maybe, but “right now, I’d like some good old-fashioned vanilla.”

Ana goes back to work. And what do you know! They immediately start emailing each other. She is a terrible employee. DO YOUR FUCKING JOB, YOU DICK. STOP EMAILING YOUR GODDAMNED HUSBAND EVERY TWO SECONDS.

Apparently the two of them have some fancy dinner to go to at night, and Ana says that she’s sure that Christian will find a way to “spice up the dinner.” Ugh. I’m sure it’ll be gross.

And then we just…skip over the dinner? Apparently they did the silver-balls-trick again, where Ana has them in her hoo-hah all night and apparently it’s all very sexy. We get more emails the next day about how enjoyable it was.

More emails. Apparently Jack Hyde “has been refused bail and remanded in custody. He’s charged with attempted kidnap and arson.” Ana asks if security will be lightened up, but Christian refuses and says “no arguments.” Ana tells him to “stow his twitchy palm,” to which he replies that he might have to “do something” about his twitching palm tonight. Ughhhhhhh.

UGH OH MY GOD WE HAVE TO READ MORE FUCKING EMAILS.

I GET IT. TIME IS PASSING. JUST SKIP THESE DAYS. I DON’T CARE ABOUT THEIR WEIRD EMAIL-FLIRTING AT WORK TALKING ABOUT THEIR SEX LIVES. STOP IT.

Seriously, like 5 days have passed entirely in emails. Also apparently Ana’s birthday is coming up on September 10th, and it’s currently September 5th? Cool. Don’t care.

So Leila is randomly here? That’s…sort of interesting? I guess? Maybe this is where Leila convinces Ana that Christian is a dangerous douche-bottle and Ana runs away with her to join a gang of women who beat up abusive shitbags.

Too bad it’s going to be something INFINITELY more boring.

Thanks for reading, y’all! You guys are all really great. No guarantees on when the next chapter will be up, but I’ll try to do at least two this month. We’ll see how that works out.

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https://caitlinliveblogs.wordpress.com/2015/02/03/caitlin-liveblogs-fifty-shades-freed-chapter-15/feed/1cbrodie21let me stop you right therefuck that rpattzdun dun dunCaitlin Liveblogs the Fifty Shades trilogy: A Note on the Moviehttps://caitlinliveblogs.wordpress.com/2015/02/03/caitlin-liveblogs-the-fifty-shades-trilogy-a-note-on-the-movie/
https://caitlinliveblogs.wordpress.com/2015/02/03/caitlin-liveblogs-the-fifty-shades-trilogy-a-note-on-the-movie/#commentsTue, 03 Feb 2015 20:31:36 +0000http://caitlinliveblogs.wordpress.com/?p=1101Continue reading →]]>So there’s a terrible movie that’s going to come out in 11 days, and I feel like I should say a little something about it before I get into blogging about Chapter 15.

50 Shades of Grey: The Movie is coming out on February 14th, and several people have asked me if I plan to see the movie. Initially, I thought I might see it, maybe wait until it comes to a cheap theater in a few weeks, see it with some friends, sneak in secret alcohol, laugh at the ludicrous nature of the whole thing.

But the more I think about it, the more this whole movie, this whole series, turns my stomach.

Because the bottom line is that these books and that movie do nothing but glorify a very abusive, manipulative, and downright dangerous relationship. And this is coming from someone who has read all 3 books (twice, now, since I read them once for my original tumblr posts and once for this blog), so you can’t tell me that I “don’t know what I’m talking about,” because I do.

Christian Grey is abusive. He stalks Ana, he punishes her for standing up to him, he controls basically every aspect of their sex life, and is an irresponsible and dangerous Dom. He puts Ana in situations where she feels she can’t say no (which means that most of their sexual acts are non-consensual), he controls where she can and can’t go, he consistently scares Ana with his unpredictable mood swings and behavior, he stalks her, he controls what information she has access to, he controls her job, he controls her friends and who she can and cannot see…I mean, god, he even controls what she’s allowed to wear half the time (she needs his permission to go out wearing a short skirt). He treats her as an object, and constantly refers to her as his property.

The worst part is that, since these books are written in Ana’s point of view, you have literally ZERO perspective on this abuse. She’s face-first in the water, talking about how cool and refreshing the water is, when the big-picture is that she’s drowning. Of course Christian is going to seem like the “ideal man” when you hear Ana talk about him, because she’s being manipulated into thinking that way (and she has literally no other experience with men to compare this to, aside from a few short relationships in her past as a teenager). As the reader, you’re forced to put yourself in Ana’s shoes, and thus you’re also being emotionally manipulated by Christian.

Christian constantly scares Ana and makes her too nervous to speak up or fight back, yet all the while Ana keeps saying how much she loves Christian, how beautiful he is, how broken he is, and god, it’s like Stockholm syndrome. At one point he’s being scary and wants to spank Ana (something she’s not very comfortable with), and she literally convinces herself it’s okay because she loves him and “this is for him“. The idea that you should just let someone do something to you because you love them and they “need it” is so fucking dangerous I can’t even begin to explain it. That’s literally textbook abuse.

I’m not going to get into more specific examples of how terrible this relationship is, because this entire blog is full of examples (literally pick a chapter out of a hat — you’ll find abuse there, I can almost guarantee it), and that would be a waste of time.

Suffice it to say that these books are nightmares, and this movie is an even bigger nightmare.

Do not go see this movie.

Do not give any more money to the people who are perpetuating this kind of horrifying abuse. Do not pay any money to these people, even if you’re only seeing the movie as a joke. If you want to watch it for a laugh, wait until it’s available online for free somewhere. But honestly, I doubt this movie is going to be funny. I think this movie is going to be horrifying. If you’re looking for a good laugh, don’t look here.

Domestic violence and abusive relationships are happening every day, all around us, to men and women alike. All these people are actually suffering, and stories like 50 Shades only encourage that.

Instead of seeing 50 Shades of Grey, donate the money you would have spent to an organization working to prevent domestic violence, or to a women’s shelter, or any kind of organization that is fighting to prevent the kind of behavior that is going to be on display in 50 Shades of Grey. If you have any suggestions for organizations that deserve donations, post a link in the comments and I will gladly add links to this post.

]]>https://caitlinliveblogs.wordpress.com/2015/02/03/caitlin-liveblogs-the-fifty-shades-trilogy-a-note-on-the-movie/feed/1cbrodie21Caitlin Liveblogs Fifty Shades Freed: Chapter 14https://caitlinliveblogs.wordpress.com/2014/10/24/caitlin-liveblogs-fifty-shades-freed-chapter-14/
https://caitlinliveblogs.wordpress.com/2014/10/24/caitlin-liveblogs-fifty-shades-freed-chapter-14/#commentsSat, 25 Oct 2014 02:14:07 +0000http://caitlinliveblogs.wordpress.com/?p=1094Continue reading →]]>[disclaimer: I don’t own any of the gifs used in this post. If you see a gif that you created and would either like credit for it or would like it taken down, please let me know.]

So, I’m going to try a new format, where each chapter is a single post. This means that each post is going to be longer, but it’ll be easier to find individual chapters, and since I’m posting on WordPress and not on Tumblr (as I did the first time I liveblogged) the length isn’t a problem anymore. I know I’ve done this for short chapters, but I’m going to do this for all chapters from here on out! If you’d like me to go back to my old format (with chapters being broken down into 2+ parts), let me know. Basically I just want to make my blog easier to read for everyone!

Now then, let’s do this.

RECAP: Christian, Ana, and all their friends (who are literally just made up of Christian’s family and the people they’re dating/interested in dating, because Ana isn’t allowed to have friends that aren’t pre-approved by Christian) spontaneously go to Aspen, because when you’re rich motherfuckers you can just take off on random vacations, and you don’t have to worry about how to pay for it either, you can just take a private jet there! God I hate them all. They go to Aspen, and Elliot is acting weird, and Kate’s mad because Elliot is weird (and had a fling with Gia in the past so naturally Elliot is still in love with her or something, idek). Oh, also Christian is a controlling cock-bottle and won’t let Ana do anything (including SKIING. HE WON’T LET HER SKI IN ASPEN) for no reason other than he’s a controlling cock-bottle. The group separates by gender, and the girls go shopping while the boys go fishing (holy gender roles, batman!), except Elliot makes up an excuse to not go fishing. In town, while shopping for HILARIOUSLY overpriced bullshit (like shoes that cost more than I make in a year), Ana sees Elliot meet up with Gia, and it’s weird, but later she tells Christian about it and apparently it’s fine, because Elliot has “fucked half of Seattle.” I don’t even know anymore. Ana puts on a really short dress to go out to the club that night, and surprisingly Christian is okay with it! But first he has to be all sexy and finger her while she’s wearing the dress, to remind her that she’s his property and no one else is allowed to see her vagina, which is a rule that he apparently thought she needed to be reminded of. They go out to dinner, and suddenly at the restaurant Elliot gets on one knee and proposes to Kate. SO SUSPENSEFUL WHAT’S GOING TO HAPPEN OH MY GOD

Chapter Fourteen

Silence stretches like a taut rubber band.

Ugh. This simile is completely unnecessary. You literally couldn’t think of ANYTHING more interesting to compare the silence to? You picked a rubber band. Really. You’ve never heard of anything else that stretches. Like, okay, using similes and metaphors is great, it adds flavor to the scene, and it can give hints at the characters’ emotions and the atmosphere of the scene. Like, not to toot my own horn or anything, but one time I wrote a story about a young girl playing 7 Minutes in Heaven for the first time in a bedroom with a boy, and I said that the quilted, white bedspread had edges that looked like “alligator teeth.” My goal was to make the reader feel the characters’ anxiety and fear of the situation, to show that suddenly everything in the room was sinister and dangerous, because it’s REALLY SCARY to kiss someone for the first time. You can argue that this was a stupid idea, or that I didn’t execute this very well, but at least I didn’t say “the room felt scary,” or something equally mundane.

Here, E.L. James didn’t even try. What purpose does this simile serve? Does this even tell us ANYTHING about this scene, other than the silence felt long? Cool. The room was silent for awhile, or it felt like awhile. YOU COULDN’T COME UP WITH ANYTHING BETTER THAN A RUBBER BAND? I’d rather you didn’t even try to use a metaphor/simile here at all. You just wasted my time.

Holy crap, Kate! Put him out of his misery. Please.

Yup. Forget her feelings, she’s only MAKING ONE OF THE BIGGEST DECISIONS OF HER LIFE. “Oh, jeez, why are you taking so long to decide if you want to spend the rest of your life with this person? How dare you put him through this agony?”

Fuck that.

A single tear trickles down her cheek though she remains expressionless. Shit! Kate crying? Then she smiles, a slow disbelieving I’ve-found-Nirvana smile.

And then she pulls out a huge shotgun, pulls Ana to her feet, plants a huge kiss on Ana, and then shouts “HEY EVERYONE, THIS IS A STICK-UP! GIVE US ALL OF YOUR MONEY, NOW!” Ana and Kate collect all of the other customers’ valuables, Kate puts Elliot’s ring on Ana’s finger, and they snowmobile off into the sunset to go live on a tropical island that they buy with their new riches.

Ugh, if only it actually happened that way. Instead, we get:

“Yes,” she whispers, a breathy, sweet acceptance–not Kate-like at all.

Oh good. I’m glad the moral of this story is that Kate entirely changes who she is for a guy she wants to marry. That’s a lovely message to send. “When you find the man of your dreams, you should suddenly be demure and quiet! No more of that personality bullshit, it’s time to be the perfect, submissive wife that you’ve always been destined to become!”

Fuck that. Don’t tone yourself down for anyone, ESPECIALLY not someone you plan to marry. Kate’s whole character revolves around the fact that she takes no shit from anyone, she’s a hard-hitting journalist who gets what she wants, and suddenly she’s all quiet and sweet and crying?

The whole restaurant bursts into applause. We find out that the ring is what Elliot was getting from Gia, though idk why he had to get it from Gia? Whatever, I guess it’s not important. In fact, none of the rest of this scene is important, they all just drink champagne and congratulate each other and I could not give less of a shit.

They’re greeted at the door of the club by YET ANOTHER gorgeous blonde woman. The club is owned by Christian, which means that FUCKING EVERYONE IS GODDAMNED BLONDE. THERE PROBABLY AREN’T EVEN THAT MANY BLONDE PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. CAN WE GET SOME PEOPLE OF COLOR AT LEAST? SOMEONE WITH BLACK HAIR? SOMEONE WITH DREADLOCKS? ANYTHING BUT BLONDE?! This is literally insane. How did no one call James out on this when this series was being edited. I know this whole series is “wish fulfillment,” but that doesn’t excuse the lazy bullshit writing where literally every woman is blonde except for Ana, Kate, and a few other exceptions. The men are all diverse! Why can’t the women be? Why are there only 2 ways to be beautiful in this book? Either you’re a blonde bombshell or you’re the brunette “quirky girl” like Ana who reads books and drinks tea and is SoOoOo original. Ugh.

Oh and of course this blonde flirts with Christian too. Because every blonde in this book is evil. Did some blonde girl shit in E.L. James’ cereal when she was a kid? I don’t understand all this animosity towards a specific hair color.

I ALSO don’t understand the constant “women flirting with Christian” thing. Yes, he’s attractive and rich. But he’s also STANDING RIGHT NEXT TO HIS WIFE, WHO IS HOLDING ONTO HIS ARM. HE IS CLEARLY TAKEN. I’d argue that the majority of women would see that and go “oh, okay, he’s not available, I will not flirt with him and will instead treat him like a human being because WHY THE FUCK WOULD I TRY TO SEDUCE SOMEONE IN FRONT OF THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHER.” People don’t do that! Or if they do, they’re pretty rare creatures who are obviously bad at social cues.

The people in this book are ridiculous and I hate E.L. James for writing them. They just uphold all these bullshit stereotypes about women, about how women are “homewreckers” and all that bullshit. Ugh. So done.

Ana and the girls go dance on the dance floor, and we get a bunch of paragraphs about how happy Ana is and how being with Christian gives her the confidence to dance at all. Blehhh I don’t care.

Christian comes up behind Ana and starts dancing with her, and she wiggles her butt on him, and then OH GOD IT’S NOT CHRISTIAN. OH GOD.

Mia is gaping at me in horror. Shit…Am I that bad? I reach down to hold Christian’s hands. They’re hairy. Fuck! They’re not his. I whirl around, and towering over me is a blond giant with more teeth than is natural and a leering smile to showcase them.

OH SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!

“Get your hands off me!” I scream over the pounding music, apoplectic with rage.
“Come on, sugar, it’s just some fun.” He smiles, holding his apelike hands up, his blue eyes gleaming under the pulsing ultraviolet lights.

Oh ew. That’s so gross. I don’t think anyone ever actually talks like that, but maybe they do, and either way this is gross as hell.

If there’s one thing that E.L. James can do almost sort of well, it’s write a really disgusting male antagonist. Ugh.

Before I know what I’m doing, I slap him hard across the face.

YEAH, ANA! DON’T TAKE NO SHIT!

Except it sounds like she might have injured her hand…oh well. She then tells the guy she’s married, and he kind of shrugs it off? What a pile of trash.

WOOPS AND NOW CHRISTIAN’S HERE.

“Keep your fucking hands off my wife,” he says. He’s not shouting, but somehow he can be heard over the music.Holy shit!“She can take care of herself,” Blond Giant shouts. His hand moves from his cheek where I’ve slapped him, and Christian hits him. It’s like I’m watching it in slow motion. A perfectly timed punch to the chin that moves at such speed, but with so little wasted energy, Blond Giant doesn’t see it coming. He crumples to the floor like the scumbag he is.

FUCK YEAH. This is another of those rare times where I actually sort of like Christian. Except he’s still an abusive nightmare of a husband who deserves to be punched himself… It’s just fun to see any douchebag get punished in this book, even if it’s not the douchebag I want to see get punched.

The blond guy retreats and tries to say he didn’t mean any harm. Christian asks if Ana is okay, and she says she is, but her hand hurts.

My hand is throbbing. I have never slapped anyone before. What possessed me? Touching me wasn’t the worst crime against humanity. Was it?

HE TOUCHED YOU WITHOUT YOUR CONSENT, AND THEN REFUSED TO LEAVE WHEN YOU TOLD HIM TO STOP. HE INSTEAD CALLED YOU SUGAR AND TRIED TO BELITTLE AND IGNORE YOUR FEELINGS.

THAT IS NOT OKAY.

WHY THE FUCK IS E.L. JAMES SPENDING ANY AMOUNT OF TIME TRYING TO DOWNPLAY ANA’S VERY REASONABLE REACTION.

Oh god. It gets worse.

Yet deep down I know why I hit him. It’s because I instinctively knew how Christian would react seeing some stranger pawing me. I knew he’d lose his precious self-control. And the thought that some stupid nobody could derail my husband, my love, well, it makes me mad. Really mad.

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU, E.L. JAMES?! YOU ACTUALLY FUCKING WROTE THAT PARAGRAPH? AND NO ONE FUCKING TOLD YOU HOW FUCKING HORRIBLE THAT PARAGRAPH IS?

HEY LADIES, IF SOME GUY TOUCHES YOU INAPPROPRIATELY OR DISRESPECTS YOUR BOUNDARIES IN ANY WAY, YOU SHOULD DEFINITELY GET MAD AT HIM! BUT DON’T GET MAD AT HIM BECAUSE HE DISRESPECTED YOU, YOU SHOULD GET MAD AT HIM BECAUSE HE DISRESPECTED ANOTHER MAN’S PROPERTY, AND THAT MIGHT MAKE YOUR BOYFRIEND/HUSBAND MAD! HOW DARE HE TOUCH YOU WITHOUT YOUR OWNER’S PERMISSION!

OH, YOU’RE SINGLE, OR NOT IN A HETEROSEXUAL RELATIONSHIP? WELL THEN I GUESS YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO GET MAD, BECAUSE YOU’RE NO ONE’S PROPERTY, SO HE CAN TOUCH YOU OR DO WHATEVER HE WANTS! BECAUSE YOUR OPINIONS DON’T MATTER! BECAUSE THE ONLY THING THAT MATTERS IS MEN’S WANTS, NEEDS, AND OPINIONS!

If someone touches you or does anything that you aren’t comfortable with you SHOULD IMMEDIATELY SAY NO. You don’t need to give them a reason, you don’t need any reason other than YOUR OWN COMFORT, SAFETY, AND FEELINGS. And if you feel the need to defend yourself in any situation that you deem threatening (such as a guy refusing to leave you alone at a club even after you clearly told him how you felt), YOU CAN DEFEND YOURSELF FOR NO OTHER REASON THAN YOUR OWN PERSONAL NEEDS.

If someone touches you and you’re not comfortable with it, IT DOESN’T MATTER IF YOU’RE SEEING SOMEONE. YOU SHOULD NOT FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE OR UPSET ON THEIR BEHALF. THEIR FEELINGS DON’T MATTER. WHAT MATTERS IS HOW YOU FEEL IN THE SITUATION.

GOD DAMMIT.

This makes me SO SO SO SAD, and ANGRY, and downright FURIOUS, because Ana so clearly doesn’t respect herself as a separate human being. Her opinions and feelings are almost never validated unless Christian agrees with her. She doesn’t even have enough self-respect to slap someone ON HER OWN BEHALF. No, she has to slap him because it’s what CHRISTIAN would want.

THIS IS SO FUCKED UP I DON’T EVEN KNOW HOW TO HANDLE THIS.

I COULD RANT FOR ANOTHER 40 PAGES AND WRITE AN ENTIRE DISSERTATION ON THIS BUT I’M GOING TO STOP BECAUSE I’M LOSING MY MIND.

So. Back to the story.

…Oh good. Ana and Christian are going to solve their problems by sexy dancing with each other. Yup. This definitely solves all the problems. This solves Christian’s anger issues, this makes the potentially traumatizing experience that Ana just had go away. What the actual fuck.

He makes me sexy, because that’s what he is. He makes me feel loved, because in spite of his fifty shades, he has a wealth of love to give.

THIS ISN’T FUCKING ABOUT HIM. THIS IS ABOUT YOU.

YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL AND SEXY IN YOUR OWN RIGHT, ANA. YOU DO NOT NEED CHRISTIAN TO “MAKE” YOU SEXY. YOU SHOULDN’T NEED CHRISTIAN TO MAKE YOU FEEL LOVED. YOU SHOULD LOVE YOURSELF. I KNOW IT’S HARD, BUT THAT SHOULD COME FIRST.

Ana is such a tragic character, particularly in this last book. She’s in all these situations where she acts kind of awesome, and stands up for herself, but she always does it FOR CHRISTIAN. Ana has never done anything for herself, she’s so goddamned concerned with what Christian will think, and what Christian will do. She went out for drinks with a friend, and when Christian got mad at her, SHE APOLOGIZED, AND SAID SHE WOULD ASK HIM BEFORE DOING ANYTHING.

YOU SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE WITH SOMEONE WHO FEELS THE NEED TO CONTROL YOUR LIFE THIS MUCH. YOU NEED TO BE YOUR OWN PERSON. YOU SHOULD RECOGNIZE YOUR OWN STRENGTHS AND LOVE THOSE PARTS OF YOURSELF.

YOU HAVE VALUE ON YOUR OWN. YOU DON’T NEED SOMEONE ELSE TO “MAKE” YOU VALUABLE.

Christian and Ana finish dancing and go sit down. Ana starts asking what would have happened if there had been press at the club to see Christian’s actions. Christian, in maybe the best example of white privilege I’ve ever seen, replies: “I have expensive lawyers.” You’re a rich white guy, Christian, you’d never go to jail. Ana tries to say that he’s not above the law (which is a lie in this country. Rich people don’t go to jail for very long, if they do at all.), and she says she had the situation under control.

His eyes frost. “No one touches what’s mine,” he says with chilling finality, as if I’m missing the obvious.

People are not property, Christian. This is not romantic. You are a controlling psychopath with a laundry list of misogynistic tendencies. You are a nightmare.

I think I should clarify something here. It is NOT sexist to try to defend a woman using bodily force. That reaction is perfectly fine if you recognize that a woman (or anyone, really) is in a threatening or uncomfortable situation that they are unable to get out of due to their size or other limitations. However. It is very sexist to defend a woman (or anyone) because you see her as your property. People are not property.

Ana is not an expensive, sexy vase that you keep in your house, Christian. She is a person, with feelings, and how DARE you suggest that she belongs to you. She’s your wife, not your fucking dog. If you defended her because she was CLEARLY in a threatening situation and was unable to effectively defend herself without breaking her other hand, FINE. It is NOT fine that you punch someone who was assaulting her FOR THE SOLE REASON THAT HE WAS TOUCHING SOMETHING THAT YOU VIEW AS YOUR PROPERTY.

THIS IS SO FUCKED UP. I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT ELSE TO SAY.

Please, someone try and argue that this series isn’t horribly sexist. PLEASE. I’d love to hear it. I’d love to hear someone try to desperately grasp at straws while defending a man who LITERALLY REFERS TO HIS WIFE AS HIS PROPERTY.

“But it’s romantic to call someone ‘mine!'”

It can be romantic to feel that kind of security in a relationship. I’ve said that to my current boyfriends, and to past boyfriends. Saying “you’re mine” can be fun and playful and, yes even romantic, as long as it is clearly accompanied by the knowledge that your partner is a separate person with just as much autonomy as you. Saying “you’re mine!” and kissing someone is fine. Saying “you’re mine!” while ignoring a person’s wants, feelings, needs, or opinions, while directly contradicting their personal autonomy…that is fucked up.

You do not “own” your partner. Stop it. That is controlling, and scary, and NOT OKAY.

But Ana doesn’t say anything. She just thinks Oh… and sips her water. And Christian continues his campaign of controlling every aspect of Ana’s life, and Ana continues to have such low self-esteem that she believes this is love. And it’s all very, very sad.

The group decides to leave the club. Kate asks what happened with that guy, and Ana brushes it off. Kate makes a comment about Christian being “hot-headed,” but it’s said like it’s a personality quirk, rather than a really problematic personality trait.

Apparently Ana is “wrecked,” and needs Christian to take her shoes off for her (I don’t even know how she’s walking in them, if she’s that smashed), and Christian also removes her make-up for her, which I guess is kind of sweet, but I’m so disgusted by him that nothing he does will ever be sweet or nice or sexy ever again. Ugh.

Oh, wow! Christian doesn’t try to sleep with Ana tonight, because she’s drunk (although suddenly she only seems a little tipsy?), and tired! WHAT A NICE GUY.

Christian doesn’t go to bed, though, because he has some “Calls to make.” On a Saturday.

Before falling asleep, Ana runs through the events of the day, such as being on the plane, Christian worrying about her liking the house, having sex in the afternoon, taking a bath, his reaction to her dress, the whole incident at the club, and then finally him putting her to bed. And then the chapter ends with her saying:

Who would have thought? I grin widely, the word progress running around my brain as I drift.

I don’t…what? What progress? What happened today that makes you think you’re making progress?

More importantly,

WHY DID YOU MARRY SOMEONE WITH THE HOPE THAT THEY WOULD EVENTUALLY CHANGE FOR YOU.

Granted, Christian is slowly becoming slightly less of a shit-stain (although he will eternally be a shit-stain, so it doesn’t really matter) as this series goes on. He hasn’t hit Ana in several chapters, I think! PROGRESS! But none of this matters, because you should never be with someone in the hopes that they’ll change who they are. You should love someone exactly how they are, and you can get frustrated by some of the things they do, some parts of their personality may be annoying, but you should be with them in spite of (or even because of) these things, because that is WHO THEY ARE, and you can’t expect someone to change for you.

End of Chapter Fourteen

Ugh. I need to go make myself a good, stiff drink. This might be the most infuriating chapter to date. Well…that’s not true. But it’s up there.

The problem with this chapter is that the issues are relatively sneaky. The first time you read this shit, you might not catch how horrible and controlling Christian is. But then if you look closely, suddenly you see it EVERYWHERE.

It’s chapters like this that remind me why I’m doing these liveblogs. I just want to point out these super problematic elements sot hat people can see them and understand them. I’m so sick of hearing this book referred to as “romantic,” when it isn’t. It’s really, really scary. And Christian is abusive, and anyone who says otherwise needs to take a closer look.

It’s just so scary to me how many people think these books are romantic. If you can’t recognize the problematic, abusive elements in Ana and Christian’s relationship, how on earth are you going to recognize those same elements in your own real-life relationships? If this book makes you think those elements are what “love” is, how on EARTH are you ever going to realize how dangerous and negative this kind of relationship is?

I just want everyone to love themselves and respect themselves enough to know that they are not someone else’s property, and to know that their feelings and opinions matter just as much as someone else’s.

Anyway, thanks again for reading! Let me know what you think about the one-chapter-one-post format; if you want me to go back to the old format, just say so! Seriously, I love hearing from you guys who read this blog. You’re all wonderful

]]>https://caitlinliveblogs.wordpress.com/2014/10/24/caitlin-liveblogs-fifty-shades-freed-chapter-14/feed/6cbrodie21nope trainspit take ellendisgustedgod fucking dammitnatalie portman chairCaitlin Liveblogs Fifty Shades Freed: Chapter 13https://caitlinliveblogs.wordpress.com/2014/10/01/caitlin-liveblogs-fifty-shades-freed-chapter-13/
https://caitlinliveblogs.wordpress.com/2014/10/01/caitlin-liveblogs-fifty-shades-freed-chapter-13/#commentsWed, 01 Oct 2014 22:07:39 +0000http://caitlinliveblogs.wordpress.com/?p=1087Continue reading →]]>[disclaimer: I don’t own any of the gifs used in this post. If you see a gif that you created and would either like credit for it or would like it taken down, please let me know.]

I’m actively avoiding blogging about this book now. I know what happens, and I know how frustrated I will be each time I read a chapter, and it’s the worst. BUT I KEEP ON TRUCKING. Because I have a guilt complex the size of the moon and I hate leaving you guys hanging D:

SO. Let’s talk about chapter 12.

RECAP: Christian and Ana talk about things, like about how his issues stem from his childhood (all 2-3 years he was living with his “crack-whore” mom and her abusive pimp), and that’s why he wants to beat Ana (also he’s just a fucking nightmare of a human). Ana says she’s “stronger” than Christian’s mom, which I somehow doubt, but whatever. They go to bed. Christian has a nightmare, wakes up, and then Ana tries to “heal him” with sexy times (the only “healing” he needs is a goddamned sledgehammer to the dick). Christian finishes, Ana doesn’t (which has LITERALLY NEVER HAPPENED to her before), but Christian goes down on her, and then they have sexy times again, because Christian’s boner has a regeneration time of less than 2 minutes apparently. They go to bed, but then Ana wakes up and Christian’s gone, NO WAIT he’s just playing the piano because he’s so sensitive and deep (lolololol), and they talk some more and we don’t learn anything new (as per usual). But then they wake up again and SURPRISE they’re going to Aspen! Because they’re insanely rich for no real reason! And Christian invited the only friends that Ana has, half of which are just Christian’s family members. They get on a plane, and it’s boring, but there’s something weird happening between Kate and Elliot? I guess we’ll find out.

NOW THEN.

WITHOUT FURTHER ADO.

Chapter Thirteen

Apparently the plan landed well. I don’t know why this is even included in the chapter, because there’s literally no reason for us to know this information. OH WAIT I do know why it’s in here, it’s because E.L. James has no idea how to transition between scenes, and instead just writes down every. single. tiny. detail. Much writing. Very wow.

They get in their rental car, which is a big VW minivan, I guess.

“Want to make out in the back of the van?” Christian murmurs to me, a mischievous gleam in his eye.
I giggle. Who is this man, and what has he done with Mr. Unbelievably Angry of the last couple days?

WOW. IT’S ALMOST LIKE HE HAS TERRIFYING MOOD SWINGS AND IS PRONE TO DANGEROUSLY UNPREDICTABLE BEHAVIORS. HUH. WEIRD.

Blah blah blah, we get descriptions of the Rocky Mountains. Cool. Ana thinks about how filthy rich she is now because of Christian. Woop di doo.

Ethan (Kate’s brother) asks Ana if she’s ever been to Aspen. She hasn’t but Ethan and Kate apparently used to come skiing all the time.

“I’m hoping my husband will teach me how to ski.” I glance up at my man.
“Don’t bet on it,” Christian mutters.
“I won’t be that bad!”
“You might break your neck.” His grin gone.Oh. I don’t want to sour his good mood, so I change the subject. “How long have you had this place?”

Christian literally won’t let Ana go skiing. An activity that CHILDREN DO ALL THE TIME.

You know what else could break Ana’s neck? Crossing the street. Walking in general. GETTING INTO A HELICOPTER OR A GLIDER WITH CHRISTIAN GREY.

THIS JUST IN: IT IS NOT ROMANTIC FOR YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER TO PREVENT YOU FROM DOING THINGS. EVEN IF THEY SAY IT’S BECAUSE THEY’RE WORRIED ABOUT YOUR WELL-BEING.

I mean, I guess if your SO tried to prevent you from doing drugs, that’s fine. But like…skiing? You won’t let her go SKIING. In fucking ASPEN. A literal SKI RESORT. What the fuck is wrong with you?

This is just exhibit 1230943 of Christian Grey being a controlling dick-smoothie. I don’t know why I’m even surprised at this. Of course he won’t let her go skiing at a ski resort, why would he ever let her do anything? Oh, but this is soOoOo romantic omg, be still my beating heart. I can’t wait until I find a man to date who won’t let me go out in public like Christian Grey, I mean, that’s the dream, right?

They continue the drive to the vacation house. Kate seems weird, and Ana thinks it might be because the vacation home was designed by Gia Matteo (the girl who tried to make a move on Christian) and rebuilt by Elliot, and I guess Elliot and Gia have history. This might have been covered in a previous chapter, but I don’t care enough to look, so I’m just going to assume that Elliot and Gia have boned in the past.

They get to Aspen, and it’s cute and full of rich people. What a shocker.

Christian is worried about Ana liking the house? And even says that he hopes she likes it, because if she doesn’t he’ll immediately sell it and buy a new vacation home somewhere else. But no pressure, Ana. The fate of a million dollar house is only in your hands. Don’t worry.

They get there, and Ana seems to like it (of course), and they meet the staff that takes care of the place. Please, PLEASE tell me this is where this book suddenly becomes a crossover with The Shining and everyone gets killed by a creepy naked ghost woman. I would pay so much money for that book, you have no idea.

We get a tour of the house. Nothing to report, really. It’s big and expensive and full of modern art and dark wood. Cool. Also there’s a billiard table, and Ana blushes, obviously remembering the time when Christian spanked her with a ruler on top of a billiard table. You guys remember that, right? That time when Ana literally was thinking about how bad it hurt to be spanked with a ruler, but she dealt with it because she loved Christian and he “needed” to do it?

#Romance.

They continue on the tour, and Ana is getting overwhelmed by all of Christian’s money. It must be so hard to deal with suddenly being rich. Poor Ana. I can’t imagine what it would be like to suddenly not have to worry about paying off my student loan debt, or rent, or food, or clothes. Such a hardship. She must be struggling so much.

Ana mentions Gia, and mentions that Elliot had a fling with her.

“Elliot’s fucked most of Seattle, Ana.”

UM? WELL OK THEN.

Ana is of course shocked by this, because Elliot is blond and blue-eyed. Because blond-haired, blue-eyed people are obviously forbidden from ever having sex outside of marriage. Or something. Anyway, Ana is shocked, but then she suddenly switches to thinking about everything with Jack Hyde, and now she’s sad. I don’t even know how we got from point A to point B, but okay.

Ugh, then they start spewing romantic bullshit at each other.

He grins. “Am I that much of a prize?”
“Christian, you are the state lottery, the cure for cancer, and the three wishes from Aladdin’s lamp all rolled into one.”

I don’t even…I literally can’t come up with anything sarcastic to say. People really think that Christian is that great. That is an actual thing that people believe. They read this series, read about all the times when he emotionally abuses Ana, the times when he stalks her, the times when he LITERALLY won’t let her out of the house (or the boat. or in her own car. or at her job by herself.), the times when he goes from being happy to suddenly being sad and angry, the times when he takes his anger out on this woman that he claims to love…people read all of those things and they STILL think Christian Grey is the human equivalent of a cure of cancer. That is an actual thought in a LOT of people’s heads.

I just…I don’t know what to say to that, other than WHY. Ugh. If you think Christian Grey is the ideal man, I’m going to need you to take a good, hard look at your life and your choices, and I want you to take another look at this book series and realize that YOUR IDEAL MAN IS AN ABUSIVE RIVER OF NIGHTMARES.

Anyway. Ana keeps trying to convince Christian of how great he is, because he has self esteem issues that I really don’t give a singular shit about. Then they decide to go eat lunch.

After lunch it starts pouring rain, so instead of going for a hike, the boys decide to go fishing, and the girls decide to go shopping. Holy gender roles, Batman! And Ana clearly doesn’t want to go shopping, but when Christian offers to stay at the house with her, she says “something dark unfurls in my belly at his tone.” I don’t know what that means. Is she scared of him? Turned on? Both? Probably both. But Kate wants Ana to go shopping, so Ana says she’ll go, and tells Christian to go fish because he “needs boy time.”

Christian says that Taylor will go with them, which Kate isn’t happy about (“We don’t need babysitting”). But Ana says that no, Taylor should come.

I smile timidly at Christian. His expression remains impassive. Oh, I hope he’s not mad at Kate.

Christian is literally mad at everyone all the time. Maybe if he just FUCKING EXPLAINED HIMSELF, Kate would understand why Taylor would have to go with. But no, Christian has to treat everyone like a child, because they’re not bright enough to handle knowing the truth of the situation. Even though literally everyone there already knows about the Jack Hyde bullshit. So I have no idea what Christian is even mad about.

Elliot is weird, and says that he has to pick up his watch in town. Christian says to take the Audi, and then they’ll go fishing when he gets back.

Cut to the shopping scene. Everything is expensive and designer and I can’t help but think of my own student loans, and of the MILLIONS OF PEOPLE IN THIS COUNTRY WHO ARE BELOW THE POVERTY LINE AND CAN’T AFFORD TO FEED THEMSELVES, but oh yes, go ahead, buy all of this designer bullshit that’s silver and really really short. Oh, yes, you should DEFINITELY buy that super short dress for Christian, he’ll definitely enjoy seeing you in a short dress, especially because the last time you tried to leave the house in a short dress, he was livid. What a great idea this is.

While Mia and Kate are trying stuff on, Ana sees Elliot out the window talking to Gia, and then he kisses Gia on the cheek and leaves. Ana feels weird about the encounter, but doesn’t tell Kate.

Uuuuugh and then they go and buy ludicrously expensive shoes that cost literally more than I make in a month. I seriously can’t handle this. This is obnoxious.

They finally get back to the house, and Kate and Ana have time alone. We learn that Elliot has been distant lately.

“And I think I’m in trouble for getting you in trouble.”
“You heard about that?”
“Yes. Christian called Elliot; Elliot called me.”

CHRISTIAN WHAT THE FUCK.

ANA WENT OUT FOR DRINKS FOR ONE NIGHT AND IT ENDED UP POTENTIALLY SAVING HER LIFE YOU GIGANTIC PILE OF ROTTEN DICKS. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU. YOU GOT MAD AT ANA AND AT KATE? THEY’RE GROWN. FUCKING. ADULTS. YOU’RE HORRIBLE. GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE.

uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh FUCK THIS BOOK.

Anyway, they light a fire, Ana goes looking for firewood, runs into Elliot, who’s kind of weird and offers to take Ana out riding on these two dirt bikes, but Ana says no because Christian wouldn’t like it, to which Elliot replies “You always do what he tells you?” I can’t tell if he’s hitting on her…it’s a very bizarre interaction.

Christian comes back. He’s naturally weird about Elliot wanting to take Ana out on the motorcycles, but he seems…kind of pleased? maybe? that she said no. Then Ana and Christian decide to go take a bath. Oh, also Kate is mad at Elliot for some reason, because he was out in the garage talking to Ana I guess?

NONE OF THESE INTERACTIONS MAKE SENSE.

It’s almost like the characters don’t make sense either.

WHAT A CONCEPT.

Thankfully, we don’t have to read about their pre-bath sex. They get in the bath and start talking about stuff, about how Christian’s money belongs to both of them now and Ana shouldn’t feel weird about spending it, about what Ana bought in town, blah blah blah. Ana mentions that she saw Elliot and Gia. Christian says the two are just friends, and isn’t concerned at all.

Later, Ana gets dressed in the clothes she bought. She wants Christian’s approval before leaving, though, so naturally she emails him??? Like you do????

He comes up and is blown away by how sexy Ana is, and then makes a big deal of showing her how far her skirt is from showing off her vagina, and then he starts…fingering her?

“This is mine,” he murmurs in my ear. Closing his eyes, he moves his finger slowly in and out of me. “I don’t want anyone else to see this.”

…Just pee in a circle around her, Christian, jesus. That’s basically what you’re doing anyway. All this possessive bullshit isn’t as cute/romantic as you think it is. In fact, it sounds more like trust issues/controlling bullshit than like anything else. But hey, par for the course, right?

But surprisingly, Christian approves, as long as Ana doesn’t bend down.

Then they all go out for dinner. Everyone is having a good time, except Kate and Elliot are being weird.

But then……….

Elliot proposes to Kate?!

That’s nice but…Kate is supposed to be with Ana. They’re clearly in love. You’re only getting in the way, Elliot. Of course, this just sets up Ana and Kate ditching Kate’s wedding and riding off on the back of a motorcycle together. IT’S GOING TO HAPPEN, OKAY?

BUT THEN….

THE CHAPTER ENDS.

End of Chapter Thirteen

Oh man, so suspenseful! What’s going to happen! OH MY GOSH!

loljk Kate’s going to say yes, obviously. The plot of this book isn’t very complicated.

Anyway, there’s chapter 13! Who knows when chapter 14 will happen…maybe next week? I’ll do my best, guys. No guarantees.

And thank you so so SO much for continuing to read all my blogs! I can’t tell you how much I appreciate it. Y’all are the best

]]>https://caitlinliveblogs.wordpress.com/2014/10/01/caitlin-liveblogs-fifty-shades-freed-chapter-13/feed/1cbrodie21what the fuck kanesarcasm sherlockso incorrectare you fucking kidding me drawCaitlin Liveblogs Fifty Shades Freed: Chapter 12 [Part 2]https://caitlinliveblogs.wordpress.com/2014/07/28/caitlin-liveblogs-fifty-shades-freed-chapter-12-part-2/
https://caitlinliveblogs.wordpress.com/2014/07/28/caitlin-liveblogs-fifty-shades-freed-chapter-12-part-2/#commentsTue, 29 Jul 2014 02:53:38 +0000http://caitlinliveblogs.wordpress.com/?p=1081Continue reading →]]>[disclaimer: I don’t own any of the gifs used in this post. If you see a gif that you created and would either like credit for it or would like it taken down, please let me know.]

So then Ana wakes up in the playroom to Christian having a bad dream. Ana wakes him up from that, and he immediately rolls over and pins her to the bed and starts making out with her, and clearly wants to have sex?

I mean, usually when I wake up from a nightmare, my first thought isn’t “OH MY GOD I HAVE TO HAVE SEX RIGHT NOW,” but maybe that’s just me.

But Ana has a different reaction (as she so often does), and is immediately turned on by this whole thing, and starts thinking about how she wants to “heal him,” and have him “heal” her too, and I don’t know what that means, but it sounds an awful lot like she thinks that having sex can fix the problems they have in their relationship, which is a pile of laughable bullshit, but whatever.

They have sex, Christian cums, but Ana doesn’t, and this is practically devastating to Ana. She’s literally never had to deal with a sexual encounter that didn’t result in her orgasming (the last time, and only time, it happened was when she safe-worded, and that doesn’t really count), so I guess this must be pretty shocking to her.

Christian, to his credit, immediately notices that she didn’t finish, and starts going down on her. This may be one of the only (if not THE only) redeeming quality he has. So that’s nice, and that page-long encounter is one of the few actually sexy parts of this book. Well…provided that you completely ignore the two preceding chapters, and Christian’s entire character, and just imagine that a sexy man is going down on a sexy lady…then it’s sexy. But once you realize that it’s Christian Grey and Anastasia Steele…the scene loses its luster.

And then…oh, they just immediately start having sex again. Because apparently Christian only needs to wait literally 5 minutes to get a new boner. Is that kind of turn-around time even possible for dudes? Maybe for a small minority of men, and probably only very rarely, if at all. I…I don’t think Ms. James actually knows how penises work, to be honest.

They both finish, and then they decide to go to bed in their actual bedroom, not in the playroom.

Suddenly it’s 3:20 AM and Ana wakes up to find that Christian isn’t in bed.

SO SUSPENSEFUL. WOW.

Ana hears the piano playing in the other room. She goes to find him, and he says he’s really shaken up by the whole situation.

“A deranged asshole gets into my apartment to kidnap my wife. She won’t do as she’s told. She drives me crazy. She safe words on me.” He closes his eyes briefly, and when he opens them again, they are stark and raw. “Yeah, I’m pretty shaken up.”

I’m so glad you put “Ana doesn’t do what she’s told” in the same category as “Jack Hyde attempts to kidnap my wife.” Those two problems are definitely of equal severity.

Christian seems to be FAR MORE upset that Ana went to the bar without his permission than he is about Jack Hyde breaking in. Which is pretty fucked up.

Christian then says that he dreamed that Ana was dead, which I imagine would be a pretty horrifying dream, but it doesn’t make me feel bad for him in any way because he is literally irredeemable in my eyes. He’s a manipulative, abusive asshole, and no amount of sad nightmares will make me forget that.

They go back to bed, and wake up much more peacefully. Unfortunately, that means that Ana wakes up and has plenty of time to reflect on things, which means I’m in for an exceedingly boring couple of pages. Ugh. I hate when Ana has time to think about things, nothing she says in these parts is every interesting.

Christian wakes up, and SURPRISE they’re going to Aspen. Because when you’re a rich bastard you can just wake up and decide to go to Aspen. Over-privileged dick.

They get to the airport and find out that Christian has also invited Kate, Elliot, Mia, and Ethan (Kate’s brother). That was nice of him. It’s also nice that none of them have jobs that don’t allow them to take vacation time. I mean, I read a lot of fantasy novels, and I’m pretty good at suspending my disbelief, but the level of sheer absurdity that takes place in this series is astonishing. I think Westeros is a more realistic world than the one in this series, to be honest.

The plane ride is largely boring, with Kate interrogating Ana and Christian about the Jack Hyde business, and how apparently Jack Hyde might have been working with someone else. Ana asks if it could be Elena (formerly known as Mrs. Robinson), but Christian dismisses the idea. There seems to be something weird going on between Kate and Elliot, but we don’t know what it is yet.

End of Chapter Twelve

Well, at least this chapter wasn’t as horrifying as the last two. So there’s that. This one was pretty routine, mostly boring, with a few sentences thrown in to remind me exactly why I hate Christian Grey so much.

I have no idea when the next chapter will be up, but hopefully it will be next week sometime! No guarantees, obviously, but I’ll do my best. Thanks for reading! You all are seriously the best.