Infidelity Support Group

Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...

How do you stay strong when you walk away?

I have left the marriage after finding out he had an 18 month affair and lied repeatedly over this and a number of other aspects of our relationship. I feel I have done the right thing, but he calls and he begs and he cries - he wants his wife back, and his family back. It would be darned easy to go back, but I doubt I would be happy and I am just tired of putting all of my energy into a man who treated me so poorly.

How do you find the strength to go forward and not back, when the other party wants another chance? How do I find the strength to deal with his pleading, and his anger, and the guilt he puts on me because I won't stay in this relationship?

when I feel myself starting to cave in to my H pleadings I just remember and remind him that he is the one who did this not me.. I`m not the one who went out and had sex with someone else.. Just hold on to your beliefs and feelings and remember you have the right to make the decision to leave..after all he is the one who made the decision to cheat and hurt you

it is hard to not consider the feelings and tears of one you love. You know for yourself what values and boundries you cannot tolerate being violated. How can he put guilt on your reaction to his betrayal of your marriage? He is not the man you thought he was. Perhaps if he worked on himself and his lying and cheating issues you could deal with him. Read some books on relationships, his type can also be very manipulative. The books also kept me going for months when my mind was all over the place. 18 months is a long time to cover all of this up.

I have felt myself cave all this week. In my room, I posted a list of all the pros and cons about going out with my ex. There are way more cons. He can be very manipulative, but at the end of the day, I look at the list and know going back isn't the right thing to do. He clearly is not going to stop his selfishness and if he was even close to getting back together, he would prove it to me by seeking help on his own, dumping his slut that he cheated on me with, etc...

Hold your head up high and know that you made the best decision for you. Let him cry and fuss- if he really loved you as much as he says, he would not have treated you this way to begin with. And he would see what he did wrong and accept your decision to leave. If I were you, I would minimize contact right now as well. Being strong is a whole lot easier when you just don't pick up the phone and have to hear them yell or cry at you to take them back.

You constantly remind yourself that you are worth more, as you already did in your post.

You remind yourself that instead of tears, maybe someday- someone will give you kisses. Instead of blame, someone will give you honesty. Instead of hurt, happiness. Instead of anger- smiles and hugs. Instead of immaturity, a mature relationship.

And for now? You love yourself. Give yourself smiles asnd happiness, a pat on the back every once in a while and you know damn well you are mature, responsible, compassionate and loving. Keep your head held high.

Realize that if you go back to him, there is a chance he may do it again. Is it worth taking that chance? Sometimes people can say yes, sometimes no.

Once your energy is all back into you and you realize you can still walk and breathe without him? Smooth sailing. It's going to hurt to be without him. Its never easy to say goodbye. But, he said goodbye to you a long time ago the second he decided to cheat.

Keep going, knowing that someday, when/if you decide to be in a relationship again, you will have the strength behind you do so with a lesson learned: when its done, its done.

JUST let him know that HE IS the one who did this - NOT you. It is NOT YOUR job to try to &quot;fix&quot; it or &quot;get over&quot; it...
IF he WANTS another chance (which you are not agreeing to) - he would have to CONVINCE YOU that it is WORTH IT to you-
IF he TRULY loves you (as he is claiming to ...) then he would want YOU to be happy, and want the BEST for you.
SO he could not object to your need to be convinced of WHAT is BEST for YOU.
TO be sure about it.
IF he doesnt acknowledge that - then it's NOT about YOU - it's about HIM. ANd if he's STILL thinking of HIMSELF FIRST - and NOT YOU (which is how he was ABLE to hurt you this way in the first place) - then there is NO reason to BELIEVE he wont do it again.

HE needs to figure out what he needs to do to win you back - win back trust ... EVEN for you to eventually be FRIENDLY with each other - let alone stay with him....

When he gets angry, crys, pleads and trys to make you feel guilty - say - Im Giving you a chance to CONVINCE ME -
that behavior WILL NOT convince you.

Say - WHY should I be with you, WHY should I believe you , Why should I trust you, HOW do i know you are telling the truth - You lied before - look what you did. WHY should YOU feel guilty.
WHY is this about HIM and what its doing to HIM - it needs to be about YOU - and YOU should be his focus , not himself.

He needs to ANSWER those questions - not cry or throw a tantrum. If HE cant answer them - If HE doesnt know how or why YOU should trust him again, give him a chance...than WHY should YOU know?
There should BE no interaction unless he answers those questions - addresses them...and it is not YOUR fault if he chooses not to - or if he cant.
THAT is on HIM. HE is the one who let YOU down and HIMSELF. In every aspect.

If he loves you - he wants to HELP you , he wants YOU to be better, he wants YOU to be happy.
IF he cant focus on that - then there is NO reason to be with him.
YOU are not responsable for his happiness - for his actions- for HOW he has RUINED your relationship.
HE is responsable. He needs to TAKE responsability - and SHOW you - with his ACTIONS - over TIME.

He took 18 months from you and your relationship - how much time has he put BACK INTO IT since.
It takes time and effort , pain, hard work - to have an affair.
Where is the effort now?
On his part.
Not YOURS. Its NOT your job.

It is not your job to try to make him feel better for hurting you.
Its HIS job to make you feel better after he hurt you.
If he can not see that - then he's just trying to use you -
not be with you for the right reasons.

You tell him he screwed up and that you deserve better and move on. You have to. You need to build up your self esteem and how can you do that with someone who lied for 18 months?

If you seriously think you cannot be happy with him again, then you need to move on. You are a strong woman who can move forward and make yourself a better and stronger person for it. Make a plan on how you will survive without him. Things you will do, activities you will join, get counseling if you need to, anything that will help you feel good about yourself.

Thank you all so much. I really needed some words of strength. My instincts tell me this is not the first affair, and it is a relationship I need to be out of. I trusted him for 18 years, now I am trusting my instincts!

in moments of weakness, just DON&quot;T listen to him. Do anything to get you away from the phone and places he can contact you, surround yourself with other people, keep yourself busy, and just don't take in his words right now.

You deserve time and space to sort out your feelings without him confusing and polluting the air with more whining and blame-shifting tactics.

It is not you who left it was him he did this to himself he lied and hurt you . If he had wanted his wife he would of treated you so much better, He is just feeling guilty and wants to blame anyone but him. He thought the grass was greener but he found it not to be now he wants you back . Stay strong you sound like you are , dont let him make you feel guilty, if you want to go back go back on your own terms not because he makes you feel bad . You didnt do this remember .

Do not accept one ounce of guilt for what he has done. No one, especially the betrayed spouse, is obligated to work things out and reconcile. If anyone has earned the right to be angry, it is you. He lied and cheated for 18 months and he is getting upset? I don't think so. You do what you want when you want it. Don't take his calls and avoid him if and when you need to. Stay strong and you will survive. No one deserves to be treated this way. We should all have someone who respects us and loves us enough not to do these types of things.

You must stay strong. I should have left 2 years ago, but I let him stay thru his crying, begging and making me believe we woulcd work this out. We are no better now than when he confessed. The only differnce is is that I feel more stuck because I should have moved on.

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