"It's the only way," says Jarrell, "If mankind won't even try to save itself, I'm going to do what I can for my own family."

Aimed at Wolf 1061c, one of three recently discovered earthlike planets orbiting a red dwarf star in the constellation Ophiuchus, the rocket will take several years to arrive at its destination. The boy will be in a state of suspended animation throughout the long journey.

Jarrell ruefully acknowledges he'd intended to build a ship large enough to also hold his wife and himself but there just isn't time and now this small-scale model meant for testing will have to do.

Although unsure of what Karl will find on his new world, Jarrell insists, "I like the boy's chances in outer space more than if he stays here," adding, "I just hope they never find out what a planet full of dipshits he came from."

06/27/2015

I hear that some of you are raised on farms. I live on a farm, too. It's mostly okay but I don't like getting up early to feed the chickens. I hate chickens. Do you have chickens on your farm?

--Spencer, Age 6 & 3/8, Ames, Iowa

Dear Salmon,

Would you rather get eaten by a person or by a bear? I won't even ask about sharks because nobody wants to get eaten by sharks.

--Jason, Age 7, Roscoe, New York

Dear Salman,

I saw a bunch of you at the fish ladder in Seattle on vacation. Your struggle to swim upstream and fulfill your destiny was inspirational and something I'll remember whenever I have to do something difficult. Also, whichever one of you I had for dinner that night was delicious. Thanks.

--Dolores, Age 6, Rototiller, New Jersey

Dear Salmon,

My uncle Gary has a singing Billy Bass in his basement rec-room. I asked him if they had singing salmon and he laughed and said, "Salmon can't carry a tune in a chum bucket," then he passed out on the couch. I don't want to believe him but Mom says he drinks like a fish, so I guess he knows best. Are you really tone-deaf or do you sometimes harmonize to whale songs?

--Ashley, Age 7, Truth or Consequences, New Mexico

Dear Salmon,

Do you ever get tired of always being wet? I like swimming a lot but as soon as I'm done I want to dry off. Is that why some of you are smoked?

05/28/2010

Satellite Photos of Gulf Spill to be New Rorschach Test

NEW YORK (Ant Farmer's Almanac NewsWire) The latest trend in psychological testing has researchers showing satellite images of the Deepwater Horizon oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico, then interpreting subjects' responses for insight into personality traits.

"Those blotchy ink blots were so out of date," said Dan Ondah, head of RoarShack® Lab Testing Services, "These oil spill pictures offer up a more marketable demographic profile."

Example results include:

67% of political progressives shown the picture clutched their chests as if in physical pain, stunned by the sight of the millions of dollars in environmental damage, and 38% wept openly, with 5% doing both.

72% of self-described libertarians saw in the pictures clear evidence of government's inability to do anything right and 28% saw proof that government shouldn't be doing anything in the first place, with a crossover of 39% seeing both.

62% of self-described fundamentalist evangelicals saw the face of the Virgin Mary, 29% saw the face of Pat Robertson and 9% saw the face of Dick Cheney.

98.6% of self-described hard-right neocons saw clear evidence of President Obama's failure to lead, 12% of that 98.6% also saw an unfortunate-but-unavoidable-and-totally-not-anybody's-fault-so-get-off-the-oil-industry's-back-about-it accident, with the remaining 2.4% seeing the face of Dick Cheney.

43% of Tea Partiers reacted by shouting angry slogans and 57% held up misspelled signs.

37% of Hollywood celebrities saw their next cause to champion, 61% asked "What's my motivation?" with 2% asking if this counted toward their community service.

03/03/2004

WASHINGTON, DC (Ant Farmer's Almanac Newswire) — Just hours after the stunning announcement of its discovery of water on Mars, NASA issued a statement saying that further evidence indicates that it was almost certainly bottled water.

"We're still processing information coming in from the Mars rover, so we don't have all the answers," said Dr. Joseph P. Manley, during a phone interview from his offices at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory in Pasadena amid boisterous celebrations, "For instance, we don't yet know whether the water was sparkling or just, you know, regular."

Asked to address speculation by scientists from outside NASA that this new "evidence" is merely "space litter", a drink cannister discarded from the Russian Soyez space station or an early U.S. shuttle mission, Dr. Manley's reply could not be heard over the background noise of popping champagne corks, noisemakers, slurping sounds and chants of "Chug! Chug! Chug!" and "Man-LEE! Man-LEE! Man-LEE!".

After a resounding belch, Dr. Manley continued, "At the very least, we know there was enough water on Mars to support life as we know it, which, of course also means that in all likelihood, Martians hosted wet t-shirt contests and, uh, mud wrestling."

When queried about rumors the rover had found indications of vast enough amounts of water to have once covered the entire Martian surface, Manley paused for a long moment then responded, "Whoa! That would be, like, an ocean. And if there were oceans, there would be sharks. . . Martian sharks! Nothing we've got can defeat them! We're doomed! Doomed, I tell you! Run for your lives! Aaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiii!"

JPL scientist, Dr. James "Jim-Bob" Reyman, continued the interview, "Yes, what we've seen today confirms that there was water and, therefore, life, on Mars," concluded Dr. Reyman, who would not, however, confirm or deny that the bottled water found was really just tap water run through a filter and cleverly marketed, saying only that "Since it was bottled water, whatever life there was on Mars, while clearly intelligent, was also very gullible."