10 There is a big difference between dishwashER detergent and dishwashING detergent.

You will notice this difference by whether or not there are soap suds and bubbles all over your kitchen floor.

11. Wear a belt.

Your pants may seem to fit perfectly in the morning, but this is an illusion. By the time you get off of work, your pants will be a different size. Unless you want your pants to slowly start creeping down your ass while you are carrying groceries and cannot pull them back up again, just wear the belt.

12. Write thank you notes.

People appreciate it. Show them that you were raised with manners. I’m pretty sure my grandmother never forgave me for not writing any thank you notes after I received graduation presents when I was 18. Is 11 years too late? I really did appreciate the towels.

13. High heels aren’t really worth it.

A typical person will put up with a lot of unpleasant situations in their lifetime. It’s part of the deal – usually you just have to smile and get through it. But you do not have to consciously torture your feet. If you stand too long, even flat shoes will make your feet hurt. Screw the heels.If for some reason you do have to wear heels, put some flats in your purse.

14. If you find an article of clothing that is REALLY flattering, buy it in 3 colors.

Just don’t wear it all 3 days in a row. You’ll be fine.

15. Cooking really isn’t that hard.

This I have only learned VERY recently. I may be 29, but just six months ago I prepared most of my meals in the microwave. But guess what? There are directions for cooking. It’s called recipes. I have successfully prepared multiple meals at this point without burning my apartment building down.

16. My mother is a Saint.

She’s pretty much the best mom ever. She puts up with a lot silly shit – not only from me but from my sisters as well. I want you to imagine how awful teenage girls are….now multiply that times 3. My mother lived with that every day for approximately 10 years and didn’t murder anyone. Plus, she always has time to talk on the phone (or returns my calls promptly). Lately, most of these calls are me asking really dumb cooking questions (please see #14).

17.Your parents are not perfect.

They used to be your age. They make mistakes like everybody else.

18. Go to your college classes.

You might think that in the long run skipping class won’t matter. But there may come a day when your 26 year-old self has to explain your 21 year-old GPA.

19. Don’t take pictures holding cigarettes or beer cans.

It’s just tacky.

20. Say please and thank you.

People appreciate it.

21. Be skeptical of any man you meet on the internet.

Yes, we live in an age where internet dating is more common than ever and no longer carries a negative stigma. However, in my experience, most of the guys who converse with online will turn out to be a) dumb, b) boring, or c) looking for an excuse to send you a picture of their penis.

22. The most perfect guy ever is Westley from The Princess Bride.

Let’s see:

He senses when you are in trouble (or you know, kidnapped) and drops his lucrative pirating business to rescue you.

He had the forethought to build up an immunity to iocaine power.

If you throw a hissy-fit and PUSH HIM DOWN A MOUNTAIN, he’s not even mad!

He will kill a large rodent to defend you, even when you are just too lazy get up off the ground.

He will jump into a pit of lightning sand to save you.

Basically every time you do something dumb, he is going to try and make it better.

He will come back from the dead for you, his true love. *swoon*

He’s smart – could you have come up with a better way to storm the castle?

He would never try to text you a picture of his penis.

Oh, and there is this:

23. Make an effort to stay in touch with your friends.

You never know when you will need them. And liking a facebook status does not count as maintaining a friendship.

24. When you move into your own apartment, there are a few must have items.

A broom, a first aid kit, and a plunger. Do not wait until you need a plunger, just have one!

25. Invest in good bras.

Just do it. And make sure you are buying the right size. Your boobs will thank you.

26. Lots of people have no idea what they are doing most of the time.

Fake it til you make it is an acceptable strategy for getting through lots of things.

27. You are allowed to say no some times.

Don’t feel obligated to do things you don’t want to do. You don’t have to stretch yourself too thin. You don’t have to be the one who helps out every single time. It’s ok to hang out on the couch and do nothing on occasion. It’s therapeutic.

28. Stick to your deadlines.

Clearly, this is something I am still working on since I planned on being done with this list two days ago. I’m not perfect.

29. Change can be good.

Moving from Mississippi to Illinois might be completely terrifying. But, if you’re lucky, it just might work out okay.

I’m back. I didn’t really go anywhere except my apartment and occasionally Wendy’s, but there was definitely a lack of activity on the interwebs. Sorry that I went into hibernation for a few months. Did you miss me? It was a rough winter, and not just for Mississippi girls like me. Everyone in Chicago was pretty miserable for a while. But now the sun is shining and the temperatures are rising, so I figured I should reemerge. And just in time, because in 29 days I will be turning 29. Twenty-nine years old!!!

Logically, I know this isn’t a big deal, it doesn’t really mean anything, blah blah. But the other parts of me (the non-logical ones) may or may not be freaking out. To keep myself from having a complete existential crisis, I need a distraction. Today’s distraction method of choice will be making a list. Without further ado, I present:

29 THINGS I HAVE LEARNED IN 29 YEARS:

a list in 29 days

Day One: Lessons learned in childhood

1.Do not cut your own bangs. It will not end well.

…especially if you are 10 years old. Fifth grade is definitely old enough to know what scissors can do to your hair, but did that stop me? No, sir! It starts out innocently enough: just the tiniest trim. But then you have to make sure the sides are even, and before you know it your bangs are inch long sprigs standing straight up with no hope of ever covering your forehead. Oh yeah, and it’s right before picture day. Luckily, your sister is 5 years old so you can blame her for this unfortunate mishap. (Did people actually believe that story?)

You would think after ‘the 5th grade bangs incident’ I would learn my lesson. Wrong again! There were a handful of times in high school and college where I would trim my bangs myself. The results weren’t quite as traumatic, but of course never as good as what someone in a salon could do. (P.S. It’s pretty embarrassing when you tell your hairstylist that you trimmed your own bangs and her response is “I can see that”.)

2. Just ask where the bathroom is – it’s less embarrassing than the alternative.

I was a shy kid – painfully shy. I spoke to teachers in school as little as possible. When I was in the first or second grade, I spent almost every single recess playing with my friend, Ashley. Ashley was an idea person. She decided what the activity/game would be, and the rest of us would play it. One afternoon (in the middle of what I can only assume was an awesome game), I realized that I needed to pee. The teachers were all the way on the other side of the playground and for some reason I didn’t want to walk up to them by myself to ask if I could go inside. In my memory, the walk to the teachers was SO FAR.

I asked Ashley to walk with me to the teacher’s playground post. She said no, opting to continue the game instead. I can’t blame her – it is not normal for a 6 or 7 year old to need an escort to walk across the playground – so, I pushed my full bladder from my mind and just kept playing. I don’t know how long this went on, but soon the need to relieve myself outweighed my fear of approaching the teachers. I struck out on my own, and when I reached the slide I realized I no longer had to pee. Yes folks, I had peed my pants.

Now I was REALLY afraid to talk to the teachers! So, I walked my soggy bottom back to my friends and Ashley’s game. I was panicking! What should I do? I was way too old to be having accidents at school. I confided in Ashley what had happened. Suddenly, the teachers were blowing the whistle. Recess was over. I was so mortified. Ashley’s solution (remember, I said she was an idea person): walk behind me in line so that no one would see my pee pants. Lucky for us, the school day was almost over plus my grandmother was picking me up which saved me from the shame of riding the bus in my current state. With Ashley’s help, I made it back to the classroom with no one the wiser and sneakily positioned my backpack to cover my bum. I left school that day without incident.

I wish I could say this was the only pee pants incident in my childhood – but alas, it takes me some time to learn. Most others involved being at a slumber and laughing too hard. However, almost every one that I can remember could have been solved by just asking where the bathroom is!

Also learned: It is a true friend who comes to your aid when you have wet your pants and smell like urine.