Cinta Is Love

They say ‘a dream is just a dream’. Mainan tidur. But then some are gifted with visions and intuition in the form of dreams and instincts. While I don’t really rely much and believe in my dreams, in the past they somehow became a sign for some significant turning point event in my life. Take for example, when my ex-girlfriend had an affair with someone, I had some intuition well in advance that something was not right. Of course, I can tell by the change in her chemistry. I just didn’t felt the love coming from her. She didn’t even seemed eager to talk to me when we she had the chance. Towards the end of the relationship, she didn’t even bother to say hi to me, no good morning or good night messages.

Two weeks after we broke off, I had a dream that she was begging me on my feet. And the next day she came back and tried to fix things. Her relationship with her affair somehow did not last that long. But the damage she inflicted was beyond emotional repair. What she did with the guy is something I cannot reconsider. Yes I can forgive but I cannot forget. I was torn with the decision making process, but I made the right one. I moved on.

Of late, I’ve been having unpleasant dreams. I don’t know if I’ve been thinking too much or is it this bloody battered brain playing mind games with me. I just hope they’re not true. I just don’t want to encounter the same devastation I had years ago, because during these difficult times, I do not think I can cope with it all.

Sometimes it feels good to look back at our past life especially if we know that we’re not going to live long in this world. When we look back, we smile, laugh or even cry remembering all the bitter sweet happenings. Tales of unsuccessful crushes, true friendship, daily pressures at work, etc. But yet, what is life without all those things? As you all know from this blog, especially when you have read it from the very beginning, it is just a little piece of my life. Although not much and messy as it is, it is still my life. And I have come to learn to appreciate and cherish every moment of it until we drew the last breath and move on to the next.

When I looked back at myself before this blog, it made me smile remembering how my life was back in those days. How I am always surrounded by wonderful friends who are now living their own life, some who already settled down and have kids yet our bond is always intact. How friends come and go. How love ones lived and died. How love is proven to be very powerful. How people can have a crush on their own best friend. How I travelled a lot and moving from one place to another. It was so full of ups and downs like a roller coaster, but I have no regrets in living it.

You see, I am not new to blogging. Years ago, I used to have 2 blogs which I’d like to call it a Prequel to this current blog. It’s where I journalised my routines, what I did, where I went, what I felt. While some entries in there was basically carried forward to this blog, but I think it is time for me to share it as a gift for my loyal readers. For now I will just share one of them. Finish it first and I will release the earlier prequel.

If I go to heaven, I want you to be happy. I want you to carry on with your life like you always do before I came. Spend quality time with your friends, travel and see how beautiful God created this world.

If I go to heaven, I will ask God to send you a guardian angel. I will ask God to send you someone who can love and care for you far better than I do. Someone who has a strong and unbreakable heart. Someone who will never disappoint you, someone who can always be there for you, someone who will never fly leaving you lonely. Someone who will always keep you company anytime you need one.

If I go to heaven, I want to watch over you everytime. Watch you everytime you wake up, watch you everytime you work, watch you everytime you take a nap, watch you everytime you eat, watch you everytime you sleep.

My baby. I know by know you must have hated me. Hated me for having a weak and fragile heart. Hated me for not giving things another try. Hated me for being weak. Hated me for being silent. Hated me for ignoring you.

My baby. I don’t even know why is this happening. I am in a mess which I don’t even know how to get out of it. I’ve been wandering all day and night not knowing where to go, under the sun, under the rain. Purely a complete mess.

My baby. I don’t know for how long I will survive this cruel world. How I wish your face will be the last I see if I should die. How I wish to hold you when I drew my last breath. But I know that is not going to happen. It’s all because of me, my own foolishness, my own weakness.

My baby. I miss your laughter, your voice, your giggles. I will never ever forget everything about you. Things might be short-lived but this broken heart will always have you written on it.

BRUNEI – I was born late 1970s to a poor family. My late grandparents were farmers whose hardship taught their children how to appreciate hard work in order to survive. My father started as an office boy with a wage of less than $300, I bet $300 was a lot those days though. Throughout the years, he scaled one jumping stone to another to get to where he was until his retirement, working and studying regardless of day or time. Our lives slowly improved, from a hut in the middle of a paddy field, to a decent government flat and to a self owned house, all from the blood and sweat of my parents.

Still, us, the children, never forget all the hardship during our younger days. Those days we can’t afford too much of pleasure. My mum would scold me if I asked for a toy, unlike my 17 year sister Sab who basically gets what she wanted without much questions. Of course I’m not putting any comparison between me and my only sister, it’s just that things are better nowadays. Yet I am glad Sab knows how to appreciate and at time looks at herself, wondering whether she was a spoilt brat or not. But I guess she is! Huhu

Schooldays was glorious, especially during the senior year where we had the whole school to bully. Our bully were non violent, no typical junior fight picking or beating up. In fact we’d rather pull some pranks amongst ourselves. Hide each other’s bag in the shrubs, sneak laboratory apparatus into pencil cases, abscond least favoured classes or throw each other into the fish pond.

Love and relationship was a less priority those days. But it does not stop us from having crushes with some junior girls, most of them were unsuccessful. My first crush was Azy, a pretty junior girl in the karate class. She prefers good looking guys and since I am not what one can hall handsome, hence I am way down in her Top 50 list. Being one of the most prettiest girl in school, no boy would deny her. Of course, she had her shares of puppy love, sometime seen walking with one of the good looking guys in school.

Yet, I had the courage to come to her and tell her that I like her. Just like I always did when I have a crush on a girl. Azy just smiled, I know she was so used to hear those puppy talks from guys. And I did not expect for any positive outcome from her anyway. We remained friends though, as time passed by, I can’t help getting jealous seeing her with other guys. As we grew, the feeling grew too. I guess it’s my teenage instinct.

Sometimes it’s funny if we look back, at such a young age when we think we are ripe enough to make our decision, and how hasty and foolish were those decisions. When I look back, I don’t even know if I can call it First Love, but what I know it was a college crush, a puppy love. But yea, I did that hasty and foolish thing. I bumped into her before karate class. She was already in her outfit. I approached her, like always she gave me a smile.

I greeted her and then the words just blurted out of my mouth.

“Azy, I’m in love with you.”

Her smile turned sour. Like a flash of lightning, a felt a sharp and quick blow on my stomach. I crouched to the ground and I could hardly breathe. Amidst the pain, I saw Azy walking away from my sight. Apparently and somehow, she was so pissed with my statement for some reasons and gave me kick on my stomach. Curious onlookers just watched while I tried to get up. Even before I knew it, I can only see watery visions through my eyes and my chest felt so heavy bearing the physical pain of the kick, not to mention the emotional damage I felt for the very first time in my life.

There. The first crack in my heart. At a point that day, I vowed not to see Azy again, because I know it will hurt me even more apart from the humiliation. I avoided the routes we always crossed. I never came to gym anymore so I won’t meet the karate class. After the final exams, I never came to school anymore. I have said my goodbye to my ECAs since that incident. Life has to go on without Azy. After all I thought it was just school love story. I had to put Azy behind my head from then on.

So yea, I moved forward. Over the years, I spent most of it in UK and the Middle East and picked a career. I never heard of Azy anymore. When I returned to Brunei, I totally had forgotten about her when I found a Hari Raya card in my room. Well, those days SMS were still unheard of. I opened the letter and much to my shock, it was from Azy. I was too overwhelmed with shock that I rather not think of how on God’s green earth she managed to get my address.

She wrote a long apology letter, remorseful for the physical assault she made just because I said what I said and that she didn’t mean to hurt me in any way. She also left her address hoping that I would come to her house on Hari Raya in case I’m back in Brunei.

This post is for a good dear friend who recently lost the person she loves.

It must be hard for you, really hard. Losing someone who is so dear to you. I have been there, and I still feel it up to this very moment. How can we ever forget their smile, their laughter? Only to find out we won’t be hearing it again. It was all out of a sudden. Today we were talking happily, telling jokes, stories of our lives. Yet the next day, they’re gone forever. All that is left are their giggles ringing inside our ears. All that is left are photos of those good times together. All that is left are sweet memories. All that is left are images on how cute she looked when she eats her muffin. All that is left are the press cuttings of that tragic accident.

But it is the will and act of Allah. Death is inevitable, sooner or later we all are going to face it. It just happens that those who we dearly love had their turn ahead of us. If we think we love them so much, Allah loves them more. All we can do is send them prayers and may we be reunited with them one day. That one sweet day where sorrow cease to exist. There will only be eternal happiness. All we can do is just pray for that moment to happen.

My dear friend. We have to be strong. Our life may seem incomplete without them, but we have people around us who will always complete the missing pieces in our lives, as long as we have faith. Life, no matter how cruel it is, has to go on. Allah will never test us beyond what we can endure, because Allah is The Most Loving and Merciful.

Ramadhan in New Zealand isn’t that bad. I guess the fasting hours is more or less like in Brunei with Sungkai around 6pm. I bet my counterparts in UK need to endure another hour during this time. What to eat here? Not to worry, we have lots of halal outlets here, arabic, indian or malaysian malay cuisine. Not to mention we do have supply of halal meat here so me and Sab took turns to show our “talent” in cooking. Her’s is of course better, mine not that bad too.. well for me at least! But yea nobody complained😀

Anyway, thank you for the birthday greetings. Those who greeted me on FB. Of course, Amal, who’s always the first to greet me, to Fizzy, Star and Rainbow Eza, my Cute Little Hana. Thank you everyone for your thoughts. And as expected I didn’t hear from Ayu, I bet she must have forgotten for the 3rd year in a row. Oh well, not that I was waiting for her anyway. Not much celebration on that day, just had dinner with Sab and some friends. They wanted to go clubbing and all, but I politely declined. I guess I’m too old for those scenes and plus, it’s Ramadhan.

I do miss home, and there’s a reason why. Although I know I’m clapping with one hand. As always!

I was chatting with a friend this morning, catching up on stuff. So he told me what he encountered yesterday. He was on his way for Tarawih prayers at Jame Asr mosque after having sungkai in Kiulap when he saw a couple detained for ‘close proximity’ at the graveyard parking area opposite the mosque.

It’s been ages since I last blog, I know. Work has been all over me for the past few months with lots of assignments on my back. Now I get to take some time off from it all and here I am, on the first day of Holy Ramadhan catching up on where I have left. Of course, when I say taking some time off, I better make full use of it to breathe the air I had missed for the past couple of months.

It’s coming to a full 2 weeks I’ve been away now, enjoying myself with my baby sister Sab and old friends here at ‘The Place I Wanna Be”. Spending Ramadhan here ain’t that bad after all except for the freeze. I kinda miss the shawarmas at some Turkish outlets here, man.. they’re as big as my arm, not to mention the juicy lamb doners, salad and dressing. It’s extremely good to be back here, not that I don’t miss home though.

There’s something that I miss actually, but I think I’ll just keep it to myself. For even if I let it out, I’ll get the same cold shoulders, that kind of feeling when someone you care just abruptly left you when you need them the most. It hurts big time when somebody did that to us yea. Not even a good bye, vanished just like that, swoosh! Oh well, I think I’m so used to it already, I got that a lot during Ayu’s time. Well hack, I’m extremely happy here, with my baby sister and friends keeping me laughing and smiling all day long.

But at night, when I laid my head on my pillow, it’s those few minutes before I drifted, I can’t help from missing.

I want to fly away, far away, leave all the past love behind, leave all those who pretends, start a fresh new life, on my own, my own career, my own apartment. Fly far away and never return, to this land called New Zealand.. where I used to roam before.

Its been a slow week and its only Wednesday. Work has been quite slow with not much activity except some paperwork which needs my boss’ approval. Since he’s been away for the past three days, there’s nothing much I can do. Red tape! This is what happens when there are too many valves in a pipeline.

I remember those days when I used to work in New Zealand, there was no such things as a slow week, not even a slow day. There were just so many things to do. We worked like 10-12 hours a day and people called us ‘those who can do a lot of things at once’. Sigh! I miss those days. And owh..I miss my baby Sab who is still down there.

But despite this unproductive week, it felt good to find time to hang out with Cute Little Hana on lunch hours, also spending a few extra minutes with colleagues during tea breaks. While at night, I am trying to get into the habit of sleeping early, as early as 1130pm! Well yea, that’s considered early to me! I’m having this sleeping disorder lately which already has effects on my health and stamina, not to mention the eyebags.

Azrul and Umi are good friends, however Azrul is crazily in love with Umi. Umi knew about this very well but she loves him as a good friend. But sometimes Umi’s act doesn’t seem to care about Azrul’s feelings. She would talk about other guys as if not realising that it would hurt Azrul. Azrul would just listen to Umi while he swallowed the bitter pill. He did not show any signs of jealousy or bitterness, all for the sake of Umi’s happiness. Although deep inside he’s broken into pieces.

One day, during their usual lunch out, Azrul can’t help himself from expressing his feelings to Umi. He spilled everything to the last drop. It wasn’t a surprise to Umi, she knew very well how Azrul care so much about her. She nicely rejected saying that she can only accept Azrul as a very good friend, nothing more and nothing less. And this was no surprise to Azrul as well, he knew Umi would reject. But by letting it out to Umi, Azrul felt a sense of relief, at least Umi is aware of what’s inside Azrul’s heart.

“No matter what happens, I can only think of you Umi. Only you.”

Azrul sent Umi home, in the car they talk and joke as usual, although Azrul seems to be a bit down.

At home that night, Umi can’t stop thinking about Azrul and what he had told her during dinner. Azrul is a lovely and caring guy, cheerful and humourous. Just the type of man she wants, but Umi can’t understand why she can’t accept Azrul. Umi fell asleep that night with Azrul’s face in her mind.

4 am in the morning, Umi’s handphone rang, she picked it up and suddenly her head felt heavy, as if the world descended on her head. It was a call from Fadil, Azrul’s best friend. Azrul has been involved in a car accident and in in critical condition. Umi’s legs became weak, she can’t hardly stand. Suddenly she burst into tears, crying, crying and crying.

When morning came, Umi’s mom took her to the ICU to have a look at Azrul. Again Umi broke down when she saw Azrul in such a condition, bruises and bandages, respirator on his face, wires and needles, and a slow beep on the screen. Azrul’s family, close friends including Fadil were there. Fadil said the doctor gave a 50/50 chance. Even if Azrul survived, he could suffer amnesia.

Days and weeks. Azrul’s condition is still the same. Umi paid a visit almost everyday, staring at Azrul’s non-improving condition. Deep inside her heart, she prayed for Azrul’s recovery, so she could talk to him, joke with him just like always. And deep inside her heart, she missed Azrul saying, “Azrul sayang Umi”.

Umi can’t help but crying when one day Fadil said Azrul’s condition is getting worse, pulse is getting weaker. She realised that she too, loves Azrul. It’s just that she’s not ready to accept him. She vowed to herself, if ever Azrul recovered, she will express how she feel. Umi realised how much she had hurt Azrul all these time, but no matter what, it didn’t change how Azrul felt for her.

It was a happiest day for Umi when Fadil texted her Azrul is showing some improvements, he’s starting to groan, move his hands and his head although not fully awake yet. His eyes starts to show some movements beneath the eyelids. Umi was in KK when she recieved the good news.

Few days later, as soon as Umi arrived home, she quickly rushed to the hospital. Azrul’s conditions has been improving indeed, although he still can’t sit but at least he can open his eyes and recognise the people who came. When Azrul saw Umi, he closed his eyes and a drop of tear rolled down his cheeks. Umi suddenly felt guilty as hell for all she did to him. But she had vowed not to hurt him again. Ever.

Weeks pass by, Azrul’s recovery is speeding up although he still can’t sit or walk. The wires had been disconnected but the needles are still glued for the liquids to feed him. Umi and Fadil visited him everyday. Umi just wanted to be next to Azrul throughout his recovery, until he is fully recovered.

That night, Azrul didn’t stop staring at Umi, it’s like his eyes were tied to Umi’s. Before Umi left, she kissed Azrul’s forehead. Azrul whispered,

“I love you”

But Umi didn’t say a thing, she wanted to say I love you too, but her mouth was stucked, and to this day Umi does not know why can’t she just say it. That night at home, Umi thought hard on why can’t she express her feelings towards Azrul. And that night Umi made up her mind, she vowed that she will say it to Azrul tomorrow.

She’s very sure now, crystal clear, she loves Azrul, with all her heart!

The next day, Umi cried big time at the hospital.

“I love you, Azrul! I love you! I love you” crying, sobbing, like she lost her mind.

She kept on saying the words amidst her cries, while hugging Azrul’s motionless body, covered with white sheet.

“I love you Azrul!” Umi sobbed. But Azrul can’t hear it, and will never hear it!

Sometimes love happens when you least expect it to happen. Sometimes we only realise it when it’s already too late. I, on some occasions, let love passed by me when it is already in front of me without knowing it. And that is the time when I realised that I have busted an opportunity.

“My love, I see you almost everyday. I talk with you, joke with you, cry with you. Over the years, we have talked about almost anything, about you and about me. And after all these years, only today I realised that I care so much for you. Why now my love?”

Sometimes, love are meant to be hidden. Kept under our tongue like a sweet suicide pill. It is sweet like a candy, but there will be time it will turn bitter and venomous. Love is a poison. I have been repeating this phrase since this blog started. But hey, love happens. And when love happens, we don’t care anymore of our surroundings. It’s like walking in paradise while hellfire is just beneath, so we gotta watch our steps.

“The glimpse of you makes my day. To hear your voice, it send me to high clouds. To see the way you eat, it makes me smile. But my love, we are not meant to be together. Sooner or later, the time will come that I have to leave you. One thing I ask for when that should happen, please do not cry. For I just want you to know that I will always love you.”

Just when you thought our internet connection in Brunei sucks, well we better stop complaining coz I’ve experienced worse! I’ve been flying to a few places in our immediate neighbouring county and believe me the internet is much much much worse! There are wireless hotspots basically everywhere, well established cafes, restaurants, public lounge, but almost most of them are literally useless. It took ages to connect, wasting the juices out of my laptop for nothing. And once I’m on the net, the connection intermittently disconnects itself causing hiccups to my workflow.

You see, I’m living out of a suitcase, flying here and there to see clients and suppliers. This is one of the reasons why I don’t blog that often nowadays. My work 90% relies on the Internet. No connection means a reasonable, if not significant loss to my time and the business. Sigh!

Anyway, I’m feeling like flashbacking now. 6 years ago, I used to work in New Zealand for a period of time. The environment, the atmosphere, the people, made me think New Zealand is just the right place that I can call a second home. Even though the work was stressful, there are always so many things to do and places to go to wind down after a hard day’s work. The people around me were incredibly fun and friendly. On weekends we would drive to places like Rotorua or Taupo and spend the weekend by the lake or the mountains.

Why am I flashbacking now? Somehow I miss New Zealand. I miss my lovely friends down there. I miss my cosy little apartment where I used to stay. I miss that little car I used to drive around with. I miss the office and breakfast at McCafe across. I miss the lake and the graceful swans. I miss the icy mountains. I miss the sheep. I miss those good ol’ days. Those good ol’ days that I am looking forward to re-visit.

Now this is a quick one. There’s a man, he left his first wife while she was pregnant, just to marry another woman. The poor wife went to see this new woman but she can’t even mutter a single word, except crying and gesturing to her abdomen. Much to her disappointment, the new woman does not seem to care, instead she proceeded marrying this guy.

Years later, the guy got bored of the 2nd girl, he left her. And now he’s in a relationship with another new girl. Everybody has been telling her not to be with this guy, but she doesn’t seems to listen. Looks like somebody is going to fall as another victim.

Just another private journal, an uneventful life of a man obsessed with his affection. Anonymity is golden. My writings ain't that good, please excuse my grammar mistakes, and the occasional bad language :)