DISCLAIMER: I dont own these characters (except for the
couple I made up), mean no harm and am making no profit. Extreme Silliness Alert
 do not read if you are averse to sarcasm, or what I sincerely hope passes
for it. <g> No foul language, subtext moments, Gods of War or unwarranted
violent acts were harmed in the making of this completely motionless body of
text.

THANKS: Im very lucky and grateful to have these three people
to thank  Lawlsfan for her kind words, the terminally amusing Joanna,
and especially Kamouraskan, who is quite possibly the silliest of us
all! (Although it remains to be medically and/or scientifically proven, Im
convinced its only a matter of time) J Feedback
is welcomed and always answered at: temoram@yahoo.co.uk
" May 2000

FADE IN

Gabrielle and Xena were riding down a long road that looked somehow familiar.
Gabrielle would have been singing if she could, but since she cant, she
wasnt. Instead, she decided to do the talking.

"Yes?" Gabrielle inquired sweetly as the large, sweating man who had been following
them for the last half a league finally caught up with them.

The sweaty stranger leaned over with his hands on his knees, gasping for breath.
"I I need ."

Gabrielle tilted her head, one hand on her hip. "No no, let me. Okay
first of all ." She indicated her companion with an airy wave. "Yes, this
is Xena, the Warrior Princess."

The man stared. The tall warrior woman sat unmoving on her horse, a faint smile
playing across her lips. A brisk breeze that was not touching him blew picturesquely
through her longer-than-last-time hair.

"Well?" prompted the smaller woman on the smaller horse. "That was going
to be your first question, right?"

"Uh yis ectually "

"I knew it," she muttered to her companion. "They never ask for me.
Never. Why not?"

"Theres no need to take it personally, Gabrielle."

"Its not like I dont fight unaccountably well all of a sudden."

"Thats true."

"Youve seen me." She waved her sais around. "Even Ares told me that I
was getting pretty good with these things. Twice. Used the exact same words
and everything. I mean, Im always there, right next to you! Unless people
are saying thank-you, then Im behind you for some reason. Why doesnt
anyone ever want my help?"

"How do you know he needs help, Gabrielle?"

The bard rolled her eyes. "Oh please, Xena." She turned back to the
man. "Your village is over in the next valley, right? Even though weve
been riding through flat terrain for half a day?"

"Yis."

"And its under attack by an evil warlord?"

"Uh, yis, but-"

"Called let me see Conquestador?"

"No."

"Gigantus?"

"Er, no, ets-"

"Zagri-something?"

"No."

"Evil Jimmy?"

There was a snort. "Come on Gabrielle, thats stretching it, even for
us."

"Is it, Xena? Is it? You," she said, prodding the taller woman in the
chest, just missing the important places, "died." There was a pause. "Three
times."

"I dont have one, Xena," explained Gabrielle softly, staring soulfully
into the warriors eyes. "I never have a point. Points are your job. I
do all the thinking and then you summarise it briefly for the people who didnt
understand what I meant."

"Gabrielle, is it your time of the moon or something?"

"Thats right, fob me off with a sarcastic comment. Go right ahead."

"Youre being awfully pissy lately, you know," drawled the warrior. "Maybe
we should find someone so you can slit their throat. That seems to calm you
down."

"Hey, maybe youre right!" Gabrielle exclaimed, doing her best imitation
of Xenas Evil Glare. "What about him?" She pointed at the man, who wasnt
sweating anymore but was wearing eyeliner.

"No no, you cant," said Xena. "Hes had seven lines."

"Why not?"

"Because thats more than an extra but not enough for a guest star. You
can only kill extras or guest stars. The other people are plot developing."
Xena turned to the man. "Isnt that right?"

The man, who had very white teeth and didnt look much like a villager,
remained quiet, because he had no lines.

"I suppose youre right," mused Gabrielle, "but that doesnt change
the fact that I can do it if I want to."

"Now that you mention it, why are you so violent all of a sudden? That
was you that was on the peace kick last year, wasnt it?"

"What? Oh, yeah yeah, I think it was. Have you noticed that the shorter
my hair gets the better I can fight?"

"Actually, I did notice that, but I chose not to say anything because
youre my sidekick and therefore beneath my praise."

"Maybe I should shave my head?"

"Nah. Even if you did I wouldnt comment on it, so wheres the fun?"

"Id be able to kick your ass. Thatd be fun."

"Shes not normally like this," Xena explained to the man. "But she hasnt
had a romantic interest for like, three years. Must be frustrating."

"Oh," said the man, nodding enthusiastically in an overly-interested fashion.

Gabrielle suddenly invaded Xenas personal space. "Actually," she murmured
with hooded eyes, "I do have a romantic interest, its just that
 OW!" She glared off to the left and rubbed a reddening spot on her arm.
"Quit it!"

Xena turned Argo around until Gabrielle was behind her and stared moodily into
the distance at nothing in particular. "Whats gotten into you, Gabrielle?"
she questioned breathily. "You havent talked this much all season."

"Like youve noticed," muttered the bard sulkily.

"Whats that supposed to mean?"

"Why havent you latched onto Whatisname here, and " She tapped the
man on the shoulder, breaking his adoring gaze at Xena. "Whats your name
again, fella?"

"Oh uh Pythag, Pithy Pyreus," he stammered. As if he couldnt
help himself, her looked at someone off to the left.

" Pyreus here and discovered what were meant to be doing yet?" went
on Gabrielle, twirling her sais and flexing her biceps moodily. "Then you can
spend the rest of your time with him instead of me, until he dies or leaves
or something."

"Dont be silly, Gabrielle, Pyreus is only the messenger. The important
person wont show up until we get to the village."

"Oh yeah, I forgot."

Xena turned to Pyreus. "So?"

"So what?" asked Pyreus with a big smile.

Xena slapped him for no reason. "I WANT AN ANSWER RIGHT NOW!" she roared loudly,
frightening Gabrielles horse, who twitched a bit.

"Whoa, calm down, Horse, whatever your name is! Steady!" screeched Gabrielle
frantically, bobbing, ducking and flailing her arms madly as the horse slowly
shifted his weight from one side to the other and back again. "Horse! Steady!
Steady boy! Ease down!"

Pyreus cleared his throat. "Um sivarel seasons ago, a warlord came to
our vullige," he began, sounding a lot like he had rehearsed it over and over
and over again in front of his bedroom mirror. "He demended all the vullige
women for for for a ."

"Secrifice," hissed a voice from the left.

"Secrifice, yis," continued Pyreus. "And we dudnt give thim all to hem
the fust time. Jest the old ones. So hes come beck, cemped outside of
town and thus time he siz hell-"

"Burn the village and everyone in it unless you give up the women by sundown,"
chanted Xena and Gabrielle together.

"Can you see okay when you do that?" interrupted Gabrielle bluntly. "Ive
always meant to ask."

Xena ignored her. "And whats the name of this warlord?" she said in a
Very Dangerous Voice. "I bet he used to ride with me, or me with him, or both
of us with somebody else entirely, or perhaps we even passed each other in the
street once in one of the many foreign countries Ive been to, even the
ones too far away to really go to in Ancient Greek boats. Doesnt matter.
Ill know all about him. Whats his name?"

Pyreus cleared his throat. "Evil Jummy," he said.

"Ha!" shouted Gabrielle loudly, and then when there was no answer, "Ha!" again
with a little less confidence.

"Be quiet, Gabrielle," said Xena sternly. "Only I may say I told
you so. Now, Pyreus, where is your village?"

Pyreus pointed vaguely towards a lot of scenery and some trees. "In thet gineral
duriction for about three hours. I could-"

Xena cut him off with a wave. "Well find it."

"But-"

"I said," she purred breathily, pausing for effect, "well find
it."

"But ets ectually quite trucky - theres thus ruver, end a-"

"Look," growled Gabrielle, "if Xena says she can find it, she can. Only I
get lost. Why dont you just run along now before I slit your throat
to demonstrate my newfound confidence as a warrior?"

"Okay, okay," flapped Pyreus and moved three steps to the left. "Is thet far
enough?" he asked someone, before his voice suddenly became inaudible.

"That warlord wont know what hit him. Well ride in and-" snarled
the warrior, only to discover that Gabrielle was staring at her soulfully again.
"Gabrielle, I wish you wouldnt do that," she confessed. "It makes me nervous,
like theres something on my face."

"Oh, like you staring into the distance or at cave walls and the sides of tents
and gods know what else is fun for me?" fumed the bard. "Do you know
how often I have to talk to the back of your head?"

Xena ignored her and dug her heels into Argos sides, but only enough
to make her jump and plunge around on the spot a bit, because she didnt
plan on leaving just yet. It just looked kind of warrior-ish.

Gabrielle watched wistfully. "I wish I could do that," she ventured sadly.

Xena took one hand off the reins. "Try it. You probably can."

The bard booted Horse hard, and found to her delight that indeed she could.
"Look, Xena!" she cried triumphantly as Horse bucked and kicked and slewed around
from one side of the track to the other. "New skills! New skills! Thats
it, Im shaving my head."

There was no answer.

"Xena? Xena, pay attention to me! Pay attention to me!"

"I cant, Gabrielle, I have to look over here now." Xena was staring icily
out across the suddenly rolling hills. "Were going to make this scum wish
hed never been born. Yah!"

She kicked Argo to a gallop and rode off unerringly in the vaguely general
direction of the village.

Gabrielle watched soulfully for a little while and then rode off after her,
not quite as fast, not quite as well and not quite as prettily as Xena.

OPENING CREDITS

A while later Xena and Gabrielles stunt doubles were riding across a
lot of unconnected scenery, and Gabrielle was wearing her peasant outfit again.

Gabrielles stunt double, carefully facing away from view, waved her arms
and moved her head up and down. When she caught Xenas stunt doubles
attention, she pointed vigourously towards a familiar cave as they rode up to
it.

Gabrielle was confused. "How did I get here all of a sudden?" she asked, as
she passed the cave in close-up, wearing her leathers again. "I was on the hill
before. But look, its the cave."

"So it is," said Xena, cantering alongside her and not fazed for an instant.
"What fond memories, and horrible ones, and fond and horrible memories I have
of that cave. Lots of things have happened in there, havent they?"

"Huh?" said Gabrielles Voice as her stunt double jumped Horse over a
log. "I missed that."

"Never mind," said Xena, pointing ahead. "I think the village is just over
that somewhat familiar ridge."

"How could you see the village?" asked Gabrielle scornfully. "Theres
nothing but trees up ahead."

"Dont argue with me, Gabrielle," Xena tossed back over her shoulder curtly.
"Sometimes I just know things and am not required to give a logical explanation
for such."

"Lucky guess," grumbled Gabrielle as the village  all of it  came
into view three seconds later.

Xena reined Argo in and sat majestically atop the ridge, looking down at the
little village. Gabrielle tried to rein in next to her, but there was only enough
room for one person, so she contented herself with looking at the back of Xenas
head.

"Gabrielle," purred the warrior, "today is a good day to fight the good fight.
A good fight will save lives. And thats what I do. Save lives with good
fighting. Its about being the best warrior I can be, the best way I know
how. Its about-"

"Im cold," interrupted Gabrielle, fidgeting with her leather thingy.
"This dress is cold. Its cold up here, Xena. And I dont have my
long coat with me, or anywhere in my saddlebags, because theyre too small
to hold something so bulky. It must be with the rest of our things that are
kept somewhere until we need them. Can we go down now?"

Xena stared icily into the distance for a moment. "Gabrielle, I only care how
you feel when theres no-one else to worry about. There are lives at stake
here. Im going down." She rode off, screaming "Aiyiyiyiyiyiyiy "
for no apparent reason. She paused to cough, then resumed. " yiyiyiyiyi!"

Gabrielle shook her head, smiling in a fond manner and then her stunt double
rode after Xena.

COMMERCIAL BREAK

In the village there were about twenty people and five houses. Gabrielle and
Xena walked into the village square, because their horses were suddenly gone.
Despite the threat of the looming Secrifice, it appeared to be festival time,
or a lot of people were doing brightly-coloured laundry all at once.

"Do all these people live in the same houses, Xena?" asked the bard, simply
assuming Xena would know the answer.

"Yes," assured the warrior, assuming she was correct.

"Whats this town called again?"

"Appalachia," said a woman from nearby.

"Dont I know you?" asked Gabrielle slowly.

"No," said the woman, quickly pulling something red up to her chin.

"Yeah yeah I do, you were in that village that was getting plundered
last week!" Gabrielle clapped her hands and laughed. "You were the one who was
Screaming and Running Away!"

"No I wasnt," said the woman, edging behind a market stall that had tomatoes,
kiwi fruits and other New World produce on it. "I dont know what youre
talking about."

"Gabrielle, we dont have time for this," called Xena urgently.

There was a silence.

"Why not?" asked Gabrielle.

"Huh?"

"Why dont we have time for this? Nothings happening right now."

Xena considered this for a second. "We dont, because I say we dont."

Gabrielle considered that for a second. "Good enough for me."

They walked off in a business-like fashion. Xena went straight up to a man
who looked exactly the same as every other man there.

"Are you the leader of this town?" she asked with an unnecessarily scary voice.

"Yis, I mean ye-es," replied the man. "I was chosen because I
am invariably stupid and unable to take decisive action at any time under any
circumstances. Also I will immediately distrust you for no apparent reason."

He looked around suspiciously for a while, then yelled to the people. "I immediately
distrust these women, especially the tall one! Stone them to death! Stone them
to death!"

"Whats your name?" asked Gabrielle, ignoring his outburst.

The man looked panicked for a second. "I dont know. Um
Pyreus?"

"Taken," Xena barked. "How about Milos?"

"Fine," said Milos. He turned to the large crowd of seven people
and raised his voice louder than was necessary. "Xena the Warrior Princess is
here with a blonde woman and shes going to save our village from Evil
Jimmy, because as weve all heard she has changed her ways and now helps
people in need!"

"Wait a minute, wait a minute," yelled Gabrielle. "That was a rather quick
turnaround. How do you know who she is?"

Milos looked uncomfortable. "I dont know."

"And how did you know shes going to save the village?"

Milos glanced nervously off to the left. "I I dont
know that either."

Gabrielle made an explosive sound. "Well I can see that were going
to have to take over here."

She strode off towards the biggest building, which came up to her shoulder.

Xena turned to Milos, who was standing with some other people muttering
Rhubarb, rhubarb, rhubarb. "Milos," she said urgently again, "I
need you to get all the weapons in town and bring them here."

"Why?"

"I dont know. I only ever use my own weapons anyway, but it sounds like
a good idea, doesnt it?"

"I spose."

"Get cracking," she commanded. "Im gonna set up a command hut
over there somewhere to command from."

She straightened her shoulders. "Im in command now," she drawled,
staring intensely at a point midway between the sky and the ground. Then she
said nothing at all for quite a long time.

COMMERCIAL BREAK

Gabrielle came running into the tavern with overstated panic. "Right!" she
shouted, clapping her hands. "You, you and you, go and get some rags from the
rag supply place. You and you, start putting these tables together, were
going to need places to put the wounded. You and you, boil some water and get
some needles, twine, hollow reeds and inflatable things like goat bladders
only real ones this time."

She stood framed in the doorway, hands on hips. "Lets get moving people,
this is war, we dont have a lot of time." With that, she was gone.

"Who was that?" asked one of the men.

"Dunno," replied another. "But I feel strangely compelled to do what she says."

"Me too."

As they all stood up and began hurrying in random directions, Xenas voice
became clearly audible, even though she was nowhere to be seen.

"Right, Gabrielle. People are doing what you say and I have a hut with maps
in it. I think thats everything until Evil Jimmy makes his move."

She and Gabrielle were in a hut. There was a table, some chairs and maps. It
didnt look like the kind of hut that was used for anything other than
commanding from, which made it uncannily perfect for the present situation.

"Thats all?" complained the bard. "You cant think of anything more
pointless than that? Boiling water might actually come in handy and then wed
be all over the place."

"Youre right," mused the warrior, staring at the wall of the hut. "Split
some rocks."

"Really?"

"Yeah, lotsa rocks. And then move them all to the north end of town."

"Okay!" Gabrielle ran off with a newfound sense of purpose, then stuck her
head back in. "Xena? Which ways north?"

Xena shook her head in irritation. "Do I have to tell you everything, Gabrielle?"

Gabrielle looked hurt. "Yes."

"Okay." Xena pointed. "That way."

Gabrielle disappeared. A little while later she came running back. Xena had
a map in front of her and was pointing at it randomly with a dagger that was
so curvy it didnt even put a hole in the parchment. "And if I put people
here here and here well, then, I might be able to trick
Evil Jimmy into thinking I have people in all of those places." She paused and
clenched her fists dramatically. "It might be risky, but at least its
ridiculously foolish."

"Xena?" piped up Gabrielle. "Ive split all the rocks. It took me hours
and hours and I hurt myself in the process, too."

"Thats great Gabrielle," said Xena with a dismissive wave, "but we dont
need them any more. Look, see? Ive got people on all the green parts."

"You are so smart."

Xena smirked. "I know."

At that moment, Ares appeared in the hut with an X-Wing fighter noise. He smirked
a bit.

"What do you want, Aressss?" said Xena flatly, as Gabrielle mouthed
it along with her.

"Here?" asked Ares sarcastically. "What is here, anyway? How
do you know where here is? You dont know anything."

"Is there anything in particular youd like to say?" drawled Xena, arching
both eyebrows at once.

"Say?" asked Ares sarcastically. "How about, I really like Xena, but
in a pinch either of you will do? Is that enough saying for you?"

"Do you have a point?" asked Gabrielle, cleaning her fingernails with a sai.

"A point?" asked Ares sarcastically. Then  "Hey, youre getting
pretty good with those things. Way to clean."

"Thanks. Again."

"Wanna be a god with me?"

Gabrielle laughed. "Of course Id like to, but you cant just
rush off and do everything youd like. The Greater Good and all that. Plus
Id need Xenas permission. Xena?"

"No way," growled the warrior. "Im getting jealous just seeing you two
in the same room, even though I dont find Aressss attractive at
all and you and I are not in any kind of relationship but a really, really,
good, close, binding, close, good, good friendship, except for all the kissing
stuff, but that was ages ago and now we pretend it never happened."

Gabrielle blushed furiously. "Forget it, Ares," she said between her teeth.
"It never happened, okay?" She glanced off to the left and winked, then
studied her boots. Xena hummed and looked out the window.

Ares strutted across the room, folded his arms, and presented the two women
with the back of his head. Gabrielle elbowed Xena. "See how annoying it is?"
she whispered.

"Just so you know," Ares spat, "I dont usually take matters into
my own hands, unless it involves either of you, in which case, I always
take matters into my own hands and since this show is about you, no-one ever
gets to see me not take matters into my own hands, which is why Im
explaining it all to you." He paused dramatically. "You got me?"

"Just barely," drawled Xena. "And now if youll excuse me, its time
for Guest Star Number One, usually a warrior who for some reason or another
lives in a small village in the middle of nowhere and can fight as well as me
but cant look after the village on his own, because," she broke off and
gazed intensely at the bard, "he doesnt have a Gabrielle."

Gabrielle blushed again. "I couldnt do it without you, Xena," she said
adoringly. "I couldnt do anything without you." She paused and cut her
eyes to the left. "What?" she hissed. "Oh. Right." Her voice became loud again
and she draped herself girlishly over a table, exposing a generous amount of
thigh. "Except for a romantic interest. Oh how I wish a man would notice me!"

Ares snorted and turned to face them again. "If I had seen what you were just
doing, I might be able to comment on it, but I was looking the other way for
dramatic effect, so I cant," he growled. "Either way sweet dreams."

He paused and they both blinked at him. "Youre gonna need them,"
he drawled.

He paused again. "Because Im your worst nightmare!"

Gabrielle yawned.

"The worst one youll ever have."

Xena coughed.

"And Im really, really bad, too."

Xena and Gabrielle just stared at him.

Ares shuffled his feet a little. "Well, I am," he whined. "You just wait. Evil
Jimmys large army is outside the city walls, and if you think you can
beat him as easily as youve beaten all the other thousands of warlords
exactly like him, then think again, Xena. Think again."

He disappeared in a loud flash of light. Xena stared intensely at the spot
he had left and raised an eyebrow.

COMMERCIAL BREAK

Outside the village, close enough to see the town and be seen by them, Evil
Jimmys large army of twelve men in Roman armour stood around and grunted.

To prove it he hit one of his own men very hard, but the man didnt seem
to care. Certainly the thought of leaving Evil Jimmys large army never
crossed his mind.

Evil Jimmy clenched his fists in an overly hostile fashion. "So Xeeena,
the Warrior Princess thinks she can stop me, does she?" he growled very loudly.
"I dont know her, except by reputation of course, but Im sure that
I can beat her in a fight, even though everyone who has ever gone up against
her has been killed. Yaaaahhhhhhh!"

He picked up a spear from a rack next to a tent and threw it fitfully at the
ground. "I can see the village and I know they arent ready for our attack,
but I choose not to press our tactical advantage, because sundown is a picturesque
time to attack a village!"

The men all said, "RAHHH!" and waved their swords. What no one seemed to notice
was that the swords waved back. Some of them looked distinctly droopy.

Evil Jimmy continued his ranting. "By sundown, that village will be OURS! And
the women will be OURS! And Xeeena the Warrior Princess will be OURS!"
He paused for a second. "Also, the blonde one whose name I do not know, but
for some reason know she is Very Important to Xeeena. She also will be
OURS!"

The twelve-man army all laughed loudly and slapped each other on the back.
When they had finished they stood around and waited some more.

A tall man with a ridiculously long sword walked up to the command hut, frowned,
looked about in both a suspicious and heroic fashion, then went inside.

Xena and Gabrielle looked up from the maps as the man walked into the hut as
if he owned it. "What are you doing in my hut?" he asked rudely, then stared.
"By the gods," he said. "Arent you-"

"Xena the Warrior Princess, YES SHE IS!" shouted Gabrielle with red spots rising
in her cheeks. "Go on, go ahead and fall in love with her! We dont have
much time left!"

The man drew himself up to his full height, which was taller than Gabrielle,
but not quite as tall as Xena, so she could retain an air of domination. "Actually,"
he explained, "I was going to say, arent you Gabrielle, the on-again,
off-again Amazon Queen?"

Gabrielle blinked. "Why yes," she said, looking absurdly pleased. "Yes I am,
although Im guessing you knew that because half the women of my tribe
are also the women of this village."

The man smiled slowly. "My name is Redshirt." He turned to Xena. "By the way,
I immediately resent your obvious superiority, both as a leader and a warrior.
Nevertheless, I am sure I will come around eventually."

"Good for you," said Xena, not paying him any attention. There were maps to
be looked at.

Redshirt focused his attention on the bard, who had been following their exchange
with more interest than was necessary. "Gabrielle," he said softly, "I am a
brave warrior who has something missing in his life, and I can tell you with
sudden bravado that I think Im in love with you."

This caught Xenas attention, and she stepped in front of him.
"Wait a minute, wait just a minute," she interrupted, as Gabrielle blushed and
batted her eyes. "Arent you Guest Star Number One?"

Redshirt shrugged. "Yes."

"Then youre supposed to be enamoured of me," Xena snarled with
irritation.

"No no," explained Redshirt quickly. "I die in the battle. That makes me Gabrielles
love interest. If I were yours, youd kill me yourself. And wed probably
have sex," he concluded, looking ruefully to the left for a second. "Anyway,
how about it, Gabrielle?"

The bard smiled. "You do seem to fill a rather empty place in my heart
very quickly," she admitted with a sisterly pat to his hand. "All right, I love
you too."

"Glad thats settled, because its sundown and Evil Jimmy is on his
way," said Redshirt, putting a platonic arm around Gabrielles shoulders.

Xena, who was suddenly sitting down, stood up very slowly and stared intensely
at the wall of the hut. "Then weve got a battle to fight and I
always fight my battles by fighting," she drawled, narrowing her eyes. "Time
to fight, Gabrielle."

COMMERCIAL BREAK

Evil Jimmy and his large army had arrived unchallenged and were standing in
the middle of the village square. All the villagers were hiding, except for
one scantily-clad teenage girl who had fallen over as she walked slowly along.
She was now Evil Jimmys prisoner and therefore squealed loudly to let
everyone know it.

"Give up the women, Xeeena!" shouted Evil Jimmy. "Or my men shall set
fire to the whole town with their torches, and as you know, these Ancient Greek
villages burn really, really fast!"

Xena, Gabrielle and Redshirt walked importantly into the square, but Redshirt
looked the most important of all, because this was his Big Moment. Xena pushed
Gabrielle a few steps behind her and unsheathed her sword.

"Evil Jimmy," she drawled, stepping forward.

"Xeeena," growled Evil Jimmy, "youve met your match this time.
I am your match and now we have met."

Xena smiled a Feral Smile. "Care to dance?" she snarled, whipping her sword
in a figure of eight, then a figure of nine and so on up until fourteen.

Evil Jimmy looked confused. "I dont dance, actually," he confessed.

Gabrielle sighed. "It was a metaphor for fighting, you big oaf," she explained,
as Xena began waving her sword erratically above her head, frightening Redshirt.
"A one-liner. Xena puns. Expect a few more of them as she now fights other people
first, then comes back to you for the Big Showdown, which she will win, after
one-lining some more."

"And what will you be doing?" asked Evil Jimmy.

Xena pointed at Redshirt. "Cradling him in her arms and screaming Noooooooo
for a bit and then kicking everyones asses. And maybe slitting some throats.
So Id watch out if I were you. Gabrielles very smart, but dont
tell her I told you so. I reserve my praise for places she cant hear me."

She turned her back on Evil Jimmy and then turned around again. Very, very
slowly, glaring fiercely.

"Im gonna make you wish youd never been born," she purred, dragging
each word out at long as she could, and then narrowed her eyes some more.

COMMERCIAL BREAK

Xena waved her sword around. "Im gonna make you wish youd never
been born," she purred at Evil Jimmy, dragging each word out as long as she
could and then narrowing her eyes some more.

"You already said that," pointed out Evil Jimmy with a frown.

"Yeah? So?" demanded the warrior "Come on you big, ugly warlord," she sneered.
"Remember all the other things I said to you before the break? I still
mean them now!"

And so the battle was on. Evil Jimmys army attacked Xena and Gabrielle
in two orderly straight lines and some other people ran around and panicked
in the background.

"Dont you know its rude to chew with your mouth full?" screamed
Xena as she swung her sword at someone, missed by a good two feet, yet somehow
killed him.

"Didnt you ever learn not to play with other peoples toys?" she
screeched as another one unnecessarily flipped over many times and bit the dust.

"If I had a dinar for every time I heard that one!" she howled while
charging another soldier.

"Heard what?" gasped the luckless thug as the sword swung for his head. And
missed. But he died.

"DIDNT YOUR MOTHER EVER TEACH YOU HOW TO TREAT A LADY?" roared the furious
warrior, turning her back on three charging men, tying her boots, polishing
her chakram and slapping them down with her pinky.

Gabrielle, who had stopped crying, was kicking people. She kicked them and
they fell down dead. After a while, she turned to Xena.

"Xena?"

"Yes, Gabrielle?"

"Even though this is an inappropriate time and we could possibly get killed
for turning our attention away from the battle Xena, I have to ask you
something."

"What is it, Gabrielle?"

"Why do you say my name so much?"

"What do you mean, Gabrielle?"

"Its only the two of us talking. Why do we always say each others
names so much, Xena? Are we afraid that well forget them if we dont?"

"I dont know, Gabrielle. All I really know is that I love you more than
my own life and if it wasnt for you Id be doing bad things right
now. Badder even than killing a bunch of soldiers who never did anything to
me."

"Oh, thats so sweet, Xena," cooed the bard, staring soulfully into her
eyes. "And if it wasnt for you, Id still have long hair, heterosexual
tendencies and a love for humanity."

At that point a bunch of men ran past in the background, shouting.

"Xena, what are they doing?"

"I dont know, Gabrielle. It must be all a bit confusing, what with there
only being the two of us to attack and all. Perhaps they got lost."

The men ran back again the other way, shouting.

"Oh look, there they are again," said Gabrielle. "Im gonna go kill them."

"Just kidding," chuckled the warrior. "Do whatever you like  Zeus knows
I wont notice. Unless you happen to die again," she added brightly.
"Then Ill tell everyone how great you are!"

The soldiers who had been waiting respectfully for them to finish their conversation
(and those who had been running about aimlessly) now renewed their attack.

Gabrielle ran off and began flipping people four times her size with minimal
effort. Xena stood there and waited for men to charge her and dispatched them
summarily. Within three minutes the battle was over and all the dead men were
on their feet tied to a large pole that stood in the middle of the village square,
apparently made to serve just such a purpose.

Evil Jimmy was the only one left. He was on the other side of the square now,
holding the squealing hostage girl in front of him.

"Dont even think about it, Xeeena!" he shouted. "Ive heard
all about your chakram and the amazing things it can do! Dont even think
about trying to use it, for even your luck must run out one day and this is
that day!! THIS IS THAT DAY, XEEENA!"

Xena stepped forward and the wind blew her hair around madly, the firelight
glowed on her face, her armour glinted dully, she narrowed her eyes and pushed
Gabrielle behind her.

"DONT HATE ME BECAUSE IM BEAUTIFUL!" she roared, and threw her
chakram, which bounced off a pole, the ground, a market stall, a sword hanging
on a wall, the ground again, some unidentifiable stones which were in broad
daylight, a tree, a fence, Milos, changed direction in mid air
and buried itself in Evil Jimmys stunt double.

Evil Jimmys stunt double flew backwards, upwards and sideways, died in
the air and then landed on the ground. He lifted his head weakly.

"Ill get you next time, Xena," he croaked, red food colouring dribbling
from his lips. "Next time ." Then he died again.

The teenage hostage was helped away by several other people, even though she
could walk fine all by herself.

The market square filled up with the town people. Milos walked
up to Xena and Gabrielle, pushed Gabrielle behind the warrior and then turned
to face the crowd.

"We would all like to thank Xena, and only Xena, for her help here today!"
he bellowed much too loudly.

"Yay!" cheered the crowd.

"If it were not for Xena, and only Xena, we would all be dead!"

"Yay!" cheered the crowd.

"So now let us wish Xena, and only Xena, a fond farewell and the gods speed
to her travels! Because now that she has done what she, and only she, came here
to do, let none of us speak to her again!"

"Yay!" cheered the crowd.

Gabrielle looked ruefully at the body of Redshirt. "You didnt know him
like I did, Xena," she said, a tear running down her cheek. He could have
been the love of my life."

Xena slapped her companionably on the back and stared into the distance at
nothing at all. "Gabrielle," she said breathily, "you already are. You already
are. You already are."

"What?"

Xena looked left, then back again. "I have no idea."

A while later, The two Very Good Friends were back on their horses, riding
down a familiar road.

"So what did you learn, Gabrielle?" asked the warrior.

"What do you mean?" muttered the bard.

"Well, ordinarily I wouldnt have to ask you  you usually vocalise
your thoughts in a logical summary about what youve learned during the
day. I kinda miss it."

"You do?" asked Gabrielle, eyes shining.

"Yeah," admitted the warrior, gazing intensely at her Very Good Friend.

"Xena?"

"Hmm?"

"Is this what people refer to as a subtext moment?"

"I think so, Gabrielle. I think so."

There was a cough from the left. Xena looked over her shoulder. "I mean, no!
No," she corrected hurriedly. "Not subtext. At all."

Gabrielle sighed. "All right then, lets get on with riding away until
our voices fade out."

"Okay, Gabrielle."

"So, you dont find Ares attractive, eh?"

"Not really."

"Uh huh. So what do you think people thought when I put my hands on your "