Like most families with kids under the age of 17, ours has an Elf on the Shelf. Like most parents, my wife and I barely remember to hide the little bastard somewhere new each day. Our little bastard’s name is Zart.

I say “Oh shit, Zart,” more times than I can count. Early morning, I’ll stumble around in the dark, looking for a new place to put him. And, as you’d expect from someone who’s not yet awake, sometimes I make a bad choice.

The other day, I perched our elf on the arm (?) of the light fixture in our dining room. We had the light on for a while that night. Zart must have liked the warmth and leaned in, because when I went to hide him the next morning, he looked like a burn victim.

It was an accident. I swear.

In that moment, the kids about to wake up, I panicked, so I hid him in a vase for the day, only his hat and eyes visible. Problem solved until I could go out at lunch to get a replacement elf.

Pfft.

Of course, the kids noticed his face. My wife came up with a cover story. (Zart got into the chocolate chips, it turns out.)

My problem wasn’t carelessness. My problem was a lack of plausible explanation for what happened to the little bastard. If plausible explanations can be had for how a magical elf got a black mark on 40% of his face. Since he’s magic, can’t he just magic it off his face?

As a public service to you, here’s some things you can tell your kids if you ever maim or disfigure your elf in similar fashion. Keep these in your hip pocket and Merry Christmas.

Your elf is in Elf Fight Club. *whisper* First rule of Elf Fight Club is you don’t talk about Elf Fight Club.

Elf orgy. He gave Mrs. Claus a rim job. What’s an orgy? Well, it’s how they stay warm at the North Pole.

Your elf is sick. His doctor prescribed him some medical marijuana and he had an accident with his bong.

Bad kids get coal in their stockings. Your elf is a coal tester. Hope he’s not testing a batch to give you.

Your elf has syphilis.

He got too close to the fire checking the chimney.

Zart was conducting experiments with radiation. He has super powers now, so he’s got that going for him.

One of the reindeer kicked him in the face. I think it was Rudolph. *swig beer* Rudolph is kind of a dick.

It’s a tattoo. Don’t get any ideas. You’re not Mike Tyson.

I think your elf got caught stealing something from the workshop. Santa branded his face after a ruling from the Elf Tribunal. Don’t ever shoplift.

He’s being absorbed by anti-matter.

This is what happens if you eat yellow snow.

He’s trying to be a hipster elf and grow a beard. Hipsters. (roll eyes)