Once again, The Flagship wants to tell you who is gay and who isn't. Several of the women mentioned have kissed other women on the lips onstage, which obviously has the Enquirer readers in a tizzy, and several of the men have dressed in drag. Here is the list.

Sandra Bullock

Scarlett Johansson

Susan Boyle

Tracy Morgan

Kathy Griffin

Dustin Hoffman

Macaulay Culkin

And then there's... Sarah Palin?!?

They even added the subheadline "her lesbian secret".

As my Comfy Shoe wearing friends have written when I told them this... WTF?

Weekly Life & Style says they took a poll and Camille Grammer, seen here in a red carpet photo, nips ablazin', came out on top as the Most Hated woman in all the Real Housewives franchise. I don't watch, though commenter #1 Karen Zipdrive has begged me to do so, but even I know she was up against Olympic caliber competition for this honor. Included in the sub-headlines:

Her devious plot to destroy Kyle Richards

drove Kelsey away and seeks millions

some co-star told her: "You need help"

And this is in the running for this week's crowded Meanest Story competition.

While it doesn't have the international star power of Wills'N'Kate, the upcoming marriage of Jessica Simpson and Eric Johnson is every bit as interesting to The Only Ten Magazines That Matter. There are many angles to play in this little love match. First is that she's dumb as a post and second is that he's a gold digger, but when those two don't move the magazines off the shelves, let's go back to the idea that she's a homewrecker.

The calendar may have changed, but not the Flagship's desire to destroy any happiness John Travolta might find in his life. The AMI kennel predicted every possible disaster for Kelly Preston's pregnancy, but now that it's over and mother and baby are doing fine, they tell us Dad has left the nest and is staying in a hotel.

It's obvious the gossip rags are going to keep going with the Wills'N'Kate story at least until the wedding, but obviously they have to add the drama. Instead of always reporting everything is swell, there have to be flies in the ointment. This week, In Touch tells us that the young prince is afraid he'll hurt Kate. He doesn't look like the type to get drunk and bat a girlfriend around, so I assume he realizes that asking somebody to join him in his weird fishbowl life is the harm he is talking about.

With the new rules regarding censorship in effect, I now report on all the "celebrity" news in the gossip rags, including people who aren't really celebrities at all. I personally hate the concept of The Bachelor as entertainment, but the Only Ten Magazines That Matter love it so much, they call the people on the show by their first names, as though they are superstars every one buying fish sticks is going to recognize immediately. I don't know these people and don't want to know these people, so as a small protest in the new system I have imposed on myself, I will not give these people last names. It's all Bachelor x or Bachelorette y as far as I'm concerned, though I am sure commenter # 1 Karen Zipdrive will be able to educate me on some of these people.

Bachelor Brad says he's ready to find a wife. He tried before on the show, I guess, but this time it's real.

Thursday, December 30, 2010

Nearly every one of The Only Ten Magazines That Matter will take a hand at predicting that some celebrity is pregnant. Even the Sun, the one tabloid that usually leaves celebrities alone and focuses on the end of the world and psychics, had one prediction of a pregnancy, and that was Ellen DeGeneres.

Only the Three Wicked Step Sisters, the Enquirer, Globe and the low rent Examiner, predict deaths. Sometimes, a celebrity who is very ill will let their prognosis be known and most who do that will talk to People, as Elizabeth Edwards did.

Let me split both the successes and failures of death predictions this year into categories.

The big "success": Gary Coleman

Often, when a celebrity is hospitalized one of the Three Wicked Step Sisters will say that person is going to die. Last year, they were right about Michael Jackson in this way. This year, they were right about Gary Coleman.

Yeah, we already knew that: Dennis Hopper and Elizabeth Edwards

Both Hopper and Edwards went public with their bad prognoses, so these hardly counts as predictions.

Picking on old people: Barbara Billingsley

Barbara Billingsley was in her nineties and the story of her imminent demise was started when it came out she had called both her TV sons Tony Dow and Jerry Mathers and let them know she wasn't well. That happened in late 2009 and she died in October 2010.

Not all that old, but not at all well: Tony Curtis and Rue McLanahan

Curtis was 75 and McLanahan was 76 this year, which is a few years younger than the average U.S. life expectancy, but the tabloid vulture had been talking about their poor health for a while.

The many, many failures

Here are people who have been marked for death by the tabloids this year and the reason for each dire prediction.

The low rent Examiner has pictures of five movie and TV stars whose careers started in the 1940s or 1950s and promise to tell their fans, who are getting along in years and might be a little forgetful, whether these shining stars of yesteryear are above the lawn or below it.

Hey old timer! You know that thing you are reading the words on? Your computer connected to the Internets? They've got this place called The Wikipedia, and if you go there and type in the name of somebody famous, they will tell you when that person was born AND when they died. If they haven't died yet, then there's just the birth date.

Maybe 2011 will be the year the Only Ten Magazines That Matter finally get over their obsession with all things BrAngelina.

And maybe pigs will fly.

Instead of the standard story of how Angie makes life a living hell for anyone inside a thousand yard radius, In Touch tells us that the famously and intentionally unmarried love birds finally did get married in a secret ceremony, and they even promise to have pictures of where this unholy alliance took place.

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Teen scream Justin Bieber is currently on tour with DisneyTeen™ Selena Gomez, who as of yet has neither a criminal record or a stay in rehab. The publicists say they are "just friends", both in an attempt to maintain Bieber's massive popularity and to keep the teen suicide rates in check. But as the headline writers at Weekly Life & Style tell us, the photos prove it's love.

Fresh trash on Thursdays! If we are to believe the Globe headlines, always a dicey proposition, O.J. Simpson's daughter Sydney, shown here in an old photo with her dad and her younger brother Justin, has forgiven the bastard for killing her mom.

Whether it's true or not, it wins the prize for Creepiest Story of the Week.

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Both People and Us Weekly report the confirmed story of Bret Michaels finally proposing to longtime girlfriend Kristi Gibson, the mother of his two adorable daughters.

I pay next to no attention to Mr. Michaels' private life, such as it is, but this makes that reality TV show where a bunch of sluts vied for his affection using various combinations of implants, alcohol and fellatio really extra super creepy.

In accordance with this blog's pro-love policy, we wish the happy family all the best.

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Let's take a look at the pregnancy predictions from January to June of 2010. Since it's now late December, if these women were pregnant, the babies would have been born by now or the women would be expecting very soon.

That makes 4 correct stories out of 31, for a batting average of .129. It's even worse than that, because several of the correct "predictions" are actually more like official press releases from the women involved.

Long story short: Don't believe a woman is pregnant until she tells a reputable source. The only reputable source among The Only Ten Magazines That Matter is People.

The stories about Kelly Preston being pregnant were accurate, but the stories about her having twins were not, so she is on both lists.

Sandra Bullock went from triumphant Oscar winner to wronged woman in less than a month and all gossip outlets everywhere went completely nuts. The details of Jesse James' numerous infidelities with tattooed sluts just kept coming, you'll pardon the expression. And just when it looked like Sandy would be the victim the jackals of the press would hound forever... Louis Bardo Bullock. Yes, he's a real person. Yes, he's an adorable little fat baby. But in terms of the gossip world, he was Sandra Bullock's "I win" card. Suddenly, the conversation changed and she was the heroine instead of the victim.

Probability of being in the 2011 top ten: Low to moderate. Circumstances can change at any time, but there is no remaining interest in the divorce and almost nobody stays at the top of the gossip rag list based solely on cute baby pictures. Sandy can probably have her life back.

2: Jennifer Aniston.

The gossip rags cannot get enough of Jennifer Aniston, whether or not she has a movie out and regardless of that movie's success. Jen is America's Spinster Sweetheart, incredibly successful in her career and equally unsuccessful at love. As I have said before, the story of her and BrAngelina parallels Debbie Reynolds, Liz Taylor and Eddie Fisher. The only major difference is that Brad Pitt is a bigger star than Eddie Fisher was, even in his prime.

Probability of being in the 2011 top ten: Very high.

3: BrAngelina.

They aren't Liz Taylor and Eddie Fisher. They are Liz Taylor and Richard Burton, the biggest movie star couple of their generation.

Probability of being in the 2011 top ten: However high Jennifer Aniston's odds are, BrAngelina's odds are higher. Brad's family doesn't like Angie and they will spill whatever beans they have to the jackals of the press in a heartbeat.

4. Kim Kardashian.5. Kourtney Kardashian.

The Kardashians have turned the study of 21st Century fame into a science. Kim's first claims to fame were her friendship with Paris Hilton and a sex tape, both of those events nearly forgotten now. She is a reality TV star and all the gossip rags love her. She goes through boyfriends like they were Kleenex and she has a chance to become the second most famous spinster after Jennifer Aniston if her luck doesn't change.

On the other hand, her sister Kourtney has a cute little baby that she doesn't exploit in the gossip rags that much, God bless her. It's her baby daddy Scott Disick that makes her a gossip favorite, and unless he really changes his ways, their story will continue to make the covers of The Only Ten Magazines That Matter.

Probability of being in the 2011 top ten: As long as their reality show is on the air, they will be in the gossip rags.

6. Jesse James

He surpassed Tiger Woods as Man Slut of the Year, but now that Sandra Bullock has moved on, the gossip rags show next to no interest in him.

Probability of being in the 2011 top ten: Unless circumstances change radically, two words describe Jesse James' chances of remaining a gossip mag staple.

Jon Gosselin.

7. Kendra Wilkinson

Kind of like the Kardashians, but not as bright, Kendra is one of those reality TV stars the supermarket rags love.

It may have something to do with cleavage.Probability of being in the 2011 top ten: As long as her reality show is on the air, she will be in the gossip rags.

8. Scott Disick

King of the bad boyfriends.Probability of being in the 2011 top ten: As long as their reality show is on the air and he doesn't take a powder, he will be in the gossip rags.

9. Angelina Jolie

If I mentioned Angie and Brad separately in each story, they would be the top two gossip stars all by themselves. She is perfect tabloid fodder because nearly any story can be hung on her. She's a psycho bitch on wheels, she's a great humanitarian, she's a good mom, a bad mom, a man stealer, a loving partner... she is whatever the headline writers of the tabloids want her to be.

Probability of being in the 2011 top ten: As high as anyone not currently in the Top Five. Higher than Sandra Bullock by a long shot.

10. Oprah Winfrey

She is the only celebrity in the Top Ten who is almost the exclusive property of the AMI kennel. Of the 33 Oprah headlines this year, only one was from OK! and she was a supporting player in that story, since Rob and Kristen allegedly announced they would marry on her show.Probability of being in the 2011 top ten: Remarkably low. Besides her show going off the air soon, Oprah usually shows up only on the covers of the AMI magazines. While they are allegedly separate editorial entities, they tend to "take turns", so Oprah will only be one the cover of one of them per week, two maximum. The other five magazines at the supermarket counters are actually competing against one another, so someone like Jennifer Aniston or Ashton Kutcher can be on the cover of several magazines in the same week if they do something of interest.

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Best odds of celebrities to make it into the 2011 top ten who were not in the 2010 top ten: Wills'N'Kate, Snooki, Amber Portwood. Of course, circumstances can change everything.

So now it has been established. Beach body season runs from January 1 to December 31 in the gossip rags. We could blame Sports Illustrated for this, since their famous swimsuit issue comes out like clockwork in the dead of winter in February every year. But that decision makes sense in terms of the sports calendar, to get an issue with good sales in that bleak season between the end of the Super Bowl and the beginning of March Madness.

The gossip rags have no such logical reason for all the beach body issues, other than the tried and true reason "Girls in bikinis sell magazinis."

Here is the list of the ladies they like.

Kim Kardashian

Jennifer Aniston

Kendra Wilkinson

Chelsea Clinton

One of these women is not like the others.

Here is the list of the ladies they don't like.

Julia Roberts doesn't look great from behind

Tara Reid is scary skinny

Snooki from Jersey Shore can't afford to put an extra ounce on her tiny frame

I have to wonder if the gossip rags' interest in "Ryan" has anything to do with trying to confuse people who want to buy magazines that are dishing about the newly single Ryan Reynolds instead. Gosling has done some interesting and adventurous projects, like Lars and the Real Girl and Half Nelson, but not as many big budget movies as Reynolds. Just to add to the confusion, Blake Lively will be starring opposite Ryan Reynolds as Carol Ferris, the love interest of Green Lantern in one of the much anticipated comic book movies that will be coming out in 2011.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

So why did Ryan Reynolds and Scarlett Johansson break up? If we believe the Star, a dicey proposition at best, it's because of that awful home wrecker Sandra Bullock, who has been dating Ryan Reynolds for months.

An unusual but not inexplicable factoid seems to back this theory up. If you go on the Internet and try to find pictures of Ryan and Scarlett together, it's slim pickings, mostly candid shots with the couple dressed in street clothes that look like they were taken either by paparazzi or fans with cell phones. On the other hand, there are plenty of pictures of Ryan and Sandy around, being all friendly on red carpet after red carpet, as in the picture above. The pictures are easily explained, since the couple starred in a romantic comedy called The Proposal which came out in 2009.

And so we are left with the modern journalism problem. Person #1 says x, Person #2 says y, sorry, we're out of time and we will have to leave it there, the truth is probably somewhere in the middle. In the case of Us Weekly and the Star, I don't think the truth is anywhere to be found yet, but I'm sure we will hear much more in the weeks to come.

As I have noted before, I will only report on headlines from the Sun if they include verifiable information, predictions of events and dates they will happen. The Weekly World News gets a single headline in black and white on the cover of the Sun each week and I hold them to a different standard.

Would this headline make Bat Boy proud?

This week, the dear old WWN gives us vital advice about how to tell if a neighbor is a zombie or a vampire. Of course, I wonder if those are your only choices. I'm not sure, but there's a family down near the second floor laundry room in my apartment building that might be orcs.

Monday, December 27, 2010

People reports on their website that Natalie Portman is pregnant and engaged to the father of her child, choreographer Benjamin Millepied (seriously? Millepied?), age 33. This is the first child and first marriage for the 29 year old actress, who is cute as a button even when she isn't all glammed up. She's one of those actresses that gossip outlets leave alone, since she shows up and does her work and has the absolute minimum of drama in her personal life.

In keeping with this blog's pro-love policy, we wish the happy couple and their baby all the best.

Scenario. Imagine you are a female celebrity, rich, famous and good looking, married to a celebrity husband. Life is good. Then suddenly, everybody in the world knows your husband is a cheating dog. Now, instead of envied and admired, you are pitied by "nice people" and the less generous wonder if your husband's inability to keep it in his pants doesn't reflect on you in some way.

What can you do?

If you are Eva Longoria, you Pull a Bullock™.

Readers of the gossip rags this year will know what I mean by this, though readers from the U.K. will probably snigger at the phrase. Adopt some poor deserving orphan and raise the child on your own with only an army of paid professional to help. If we believe In Touch, Eva Longoria is planning to do just that, and because she is clearly The Wronged Woman, this qualifies as a Full Bullock™. Earlier stories about Kim Kardashian thinking about adoption as a single woman would qualify as a Half Bullock™.

I've created a new label, Pulling a Bullock™. Eva may be alone in trying to repeat this exact move, but given what a huge P.R. success Sandy had this year and the lack of originality in Hollywood, I wouldn't be surprised if this happens again.

Note: Sandra Bullock did NOT Pull a Bullock™. For this generation, she pretty much invented the damn move. You can't steal your own material.

One sign that a gossip story is not over yet is when magazines publish contradictory stories in the same week. So it is with Tony Parker and Eva Longoria this week, with Weekly Life & Style saying the diminutive actress is still seeing her cheating basketball husband.

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Here's the first example of less censorship on the blog in 2011, though technically it's still December 2010 if you read a calendar instead of the cover of a gossip rag. I never reported before on the show Teen Mom and there were a lot of supermarket mag cover stories about it, especially about Amber Portwood. I haven't watched the show and unless I'm kidnapped and forced to watch, I never will. From what the gossip rag headlines, Amber is quite the handful and social services took her baby away because she's a slut and a generally unfit mother.

Supposedly, she has a secret tragedy. When it comes to reality TV shows, the word "secret" has no understandable meaning in English usage.

Remember how it was going to be all nice stories on the blog. Well, that was Christmas Day, baby. It's the Feast of St. Stephen now, and it's back to business as usual

If we are to believe the Flagship, Beth Chapman, the beloved of Dog the Bounty Hunter and owner of breasts even more obnoxiously large than Heidi Montag's, has a mouth on her like a longshoreman and she uses obnoxious language when it comes to Latinos.

Saturday, December 25, 2010

The most positive story any celebrity can get in a gossip rag is one that says he or she looks good wearing very little clothing. Kourtney Kardashian has had several of these in 2010, which is always a step up from any story that mentions her scummy boyfriend.

The low rent Examiner, one of the Three Wicked Step Sister blogs, puts a story on the cover that America's favorite star is Pauley Perrette, the actress who plays the clever perky goth girl Abby Sciuto on the popular CBS show NCIS.

And guess what? The story is true, as far as it goes. The company that compiles Q scores, a rating system that combines the public's awareness of a person and how much that person is liked, had Ms. Perrette tied for first among actors in 2010 with Tom Hanks and Morgan Freeman, and she was the only actress in the Top Ten.

This is the second story this year about actors from NCIS, and both stories are in the low rent Examiner. Obviously, they consider watchers of this show their target demographic.

Friday, December 24, 2010

The Globe often has a story in contention for Meanest Story of the Week, but not this time around. They take up most of the cover in tribute to people who died this year, and all they have is pictures with no teaser headlines about tragic secrets or the like. The list includes several people whose deaths wer not mentioned in the Globe before this issue. In no particular order, the names are:

Tony Curtis

Dennis Hopper

John Forsythe

Rue McLanahan

Elizabeth Edwards

Barbara Billingsley

Leslie Nielsen

Gary Coleman

And the only person on the list who I will print a picture of here, not out of any disrespect for the others but out of special respect for her. 'Cos she's purdy.

Miss Lena Horne

Best wishes to the family and friends of all the people on this list, from a fan.

It's a slow week in the supermarket rag business. Both People and OK! did not publish this week, going with a double sized issue last week. Many other mags are doing their Year in Review issues. Us Weekly calls theirs "The Best of 2010".

The best babies of the year go to two newcomers to the gossip rag covers. Here are little Leo Gordon and his loving big sister Ella, children of NASCAR racer Jeff Gordon.

Here's Christina Milian and her baby Violet, born in February.

For wedding of the year, they went with the most covered wedding story, Chelsea Clinton.

You know what we haven't had in ever so long? A story about a tell-all book! They were all the rage back in the early fall, but nothing since the beginning of November.

Well, if we can believe the low rent Examiner, there's a tell-all book coming out about Miss Dolly Parton. Among the details are the affairs she's ashamed of, why she won't divorce and flings with Burt Reynolds and Kenny Rogers.

This is the fourth story about Miss Dolly Parton in the supermarket rags since the beginning of 2010, but this is the first time I have officially called her Miss Dolly Parton. For those of you new to the blog, the title "Miss" has nothing to do with marital status. I do not take kindly to trash being talked about anyone I call "Miss", like Miss Loretta Lynn, Miss Lena Horne and Miss Joanne Woodward.

You know the back story. Oprah's went on Barbara Walters and cried about the rumors that she and Gayle King are lesbian lovers. Oprah, of course, is a jillionaire and open about many aspects of her life and very gay positive (she was on the famous Ellen episode where Ellen's character came out), so she has very little reason to lie about this. You'd think that would be the end of it, right?

You might think that, but you would be wrong. The entire AMI kennel, led by the Flagship Enquirer, hate Oprah's guts and will print any trash they can about her. On the cover this week, they say Oprah and Gayle are lesbians and do share a bed. Inside, they promise to expose what Oprah hid during the Barbara Walters' interview.