“I am a boy,” Kathryn told her parents when she was just two years old.

The little girl had long turned her nose up at her Tinkerbell bedroom and pink party dresses, preferring Spider-man and pants instead. She played with trucks, she asked to cut her hair short, she wanted nothing to do with her big sister’s glitter-splattered hand-me-downs.

Now 5 years old, Kathryn is called Tyler and, with the support of his parents Jean and Stephen (not their real names) and the acceptance of his classmates, community and church, lives his life as a little boy. In an interview with the Washington Post, the couple explain how they got to where they are today.

Stephen admits that even as his wife began to suspect that Kathryn was transgendered, he figured that she was just “a tomboy.” Until one day when his preschooler told him a story she’d made up “about a little boy who was born. But he was born like a girl.” After listening to the tale of the very unhappy little boy, Stephen quickly conceded that it was more than just a phase.

When Kathryn was 4 years old Jean and Stephen followed the advice of a psychologist and decided to let him live as a boy. They called him “he,” they let him choose a masculine name. They cut his hair and started shopping in the boys’ department. They told the preschool, the church congregation, friends and neighbors that their daughter was now their son.

“We are… not making any kind of permanent change,” the mom-of-two notes. “Hair grows back, clothes can be changed, the legal name is still female. We are simply embracing Tyler as he sees himself and allowing this to play out in whatever way he leads…. Tyler can always go back to a female identity if his perception changes. This is not an easy path and not one we would ever take lightly. We thought long and hard and spent many hours researching and talking to experts. In the end, it came down to what is best for our child and we believe we are doing the right thing for him.”

As I watched this video and read their incredible story I couldn’t help but think, What would I have done? If I were in these parents’ shoes and it was my preschool-aged daughter insisting over and over again that she was a boy… what would I do?

I think they have made some very brave and respectful decisions, but to be honest, I’m not sure I would have followed the same path. I certainly wouldn’t force her into pink princess gowns, but I suspect I’d be tempted to play it down, to wait it out, to think that 2 or 3 or 5 is just way too young. Then again, if I saw my child in misery, feeling angry and alone, I really hope that I could be brave for her, too.

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15 Responses to Transgender at 5 years old: What would you do? (video)

eastoniasays:

May 23, 2012 at 2:50 pm

I don’t know. I think I would also play it down and try to compromise a bit until the child was older. Painting the room a non-pink color and decorating with spiderman, fine. Wearing jeans and t-shirts instead of dresses, fine. Maybe even a pixie cut and a gender-neutral nickname. But completely identifying as a boy at such a young age? From my perspective right now I’m not sure that I could do what these parents did. Then again, I suspect there’s a certain amount of perspective that you don’t gain until you have really been the parent in this type of situation.

Sarahsays:

May 23, 2012 at 2:50 pm

What a great story!!! I am so happy to see a family that is so accepting of something so unknown! I just hope that there will be a time when every one is as accepting as you guys! You have a beautiful family!

Stephaniesays:

May 23, 2012 at 4:46 pm

Family friends eldest son came to them at 21 and said that he was a woman stuck in a man’s body. I recall when I was 17, he was about 12 and very, very effeminate.I admit to wondering even then if he might perhaps be gay.(which I know is an unfair stereotype, it’s just that he was so very noticably girly)The family were typical, wonderful loving parents,caring mom, great father with whom he had a loving relationship and two younger brothers.They dealt with it and supported him through the surgery and they now have a daughter and two sons. She is a beautiful young woman. I always think that if i ever am in a similar situation that I will be able to show that much love and acceptance. I think the fact that these parents (in the article) took the child to a psychologist and have not made any permanent changes is probably the most sensible thing they could do. Because if this does turn out to be a trans-gender situation, can you imagine the damage it would cause if they could not accept who their child was. At least they are acting out of love.

Susansays:

May 23, 2012 at 4:58 pm

I know a family with a transgender child. He was born with both sets of genitalia. Doctors advised them to remove the boy parts because it was a less envasive surgery and raise him as a girl. This was years ago. From the moment he could talk, he told them he was a boy. For years, they wanted to believe he was a tomboy and would grow out of it. Finally, they had to admit they had made a mistake. He had the surgery to make him anatomically male.

The whole family had to move to a different community to start over. It was difficult, but necessary for their family. I’m always in awe of the sacrifices even his young siblings were willing to make. I hope my children will be as loving and supportive as that family.

Jennsays:

May 23, 2012 at 7:51 pm

I have a cousin who wanted to be a boy. We would get Christmas pictures and I remember thinking she was a boy. My mom would try to explain how she liked being a boy better. I was young and confused. My mom even told me that kids at her elementary school thought she was a boy and her mom made her wear a dress for pictures and the other students wanted to know why the boy was wearing a dress. We went to the same middle school. In seventh grade she started to grow her hair out. She became a lot more girly through high school and is now a very beautiful women. I think letting a child figure things out is great and when they get to be an adult if they feel that way still then let them proceed. So much can change.

triciasays:

May 23, 2012 at 7:53 pm

I have no idea what I would do in that situation. I hope I could be as accepting as this family, and let the child be who they want/need to be. But I can’t help but think of all the years I’d be second guessing myself both before and after the change.

I can’t imagine what this family had to go through. I hope that as we move forward as a society we can become more accepting of the people who don’t fit our current male/female gender identity. Other cultures have 3rd genders that fit into their society.

jesag07says:

May 24, 2012 at 6:54 am

I have no idea what I would do. I have honestly never considered this. I’ve considered what we would do if our child claimed to be gay, but this never entered my mind. To be honest I hope we never have to think about this.

Elisesays:

May 24, 2012 at 8:45 am

My 2.5 year old daughter has a male alter ego, Peter. Sometimes she is Peter and prefers the pronoun “he.” Then, she can quickly go back to being female. Sometimes she is Peter for a few days, sometimes she switches back and forth throughout the day. She loves princesses, but wanted her bedroom decorated as Thomas the Tank Engine. We let her choose what she likes and who she wants to be, and she is figuring it out just fine! We’re also lucky to generally have a very supportive family and preschool community.

At first, we dealt with some family members who would occasionally say things like “stop trying to make her into a boy!” when we buy her “boy” things, and they would buy her “girly” things deliberately to try to make her more “girly,” even when she didn’t ask for those things. But, as time has gone on, people are starting to see that it’s not us that pressure her to like “boy” things, it’s her own natural tastes and who she is– and we are proud to support that.

Catsays:

May 24, 2012 at 9:18 am

I think his parents are doing a wonderful thing for their child. I only hope if presented a similar situation to be as accepting and supportive. I think I’d be mourning the little girl that wasn’t there. The sister that isn’t. That’s just me though.

I think I would play it down for a while until they were a little older. Let them be neutral as it were. I had a younger cousin who insisted she was a boy, and most people thought she really was. But one day she randomly decided she wanted to stay a girl. She is a bit of a tomboy still, but a beautiful young woman, and very happy.

Elizabethsays:

May 24, 2012 at 11:49 am

Children have a wonderful way of knowing just who they are and adults are often the ones that get in the way. I don’t know how I would react if I were in this situation. It certainly isn’t something one is prepared for or wishes on their child. I think these parents are doing the best they know how and their child seems to be happy and thriving which is what is most important. Had they chose to delay or fight again Tyler’s identity I believe would only cause him to lose the sense of security parents bring to a child.

Bethsays:

May 24, 2012 at 12:38 pm

Not sure what I’d do if I were in their shoes, but – like other posters – I hope I would be just as supportive and loving. I can understand and respect this approach to children’s gender issues FAR more than that stupid family that hid the gender of their son, and are trying to turn him into a girl (I can’t remember when, but there was a blog on BabyCenter about that a while ago). In this case, the parents are letting the child lead them – in the other case, I think it’s basically a mother who was disappointed when she didn’t have a girl!

Momof4says:

May 24, 2012 at 3:01 pm

For any transgender out there or anyone that understands this, I have a burning question.

How do you know you are transgender.

The reason I ask, is it more than what I imagine?

Do they feel transgender simply because our society has associated gender to certain actions and likes?

I have often wondered if society didn’t label liking tinker bell and princesses as a feminine trait and superheros and dump trucks as a male trait if there would be a gender question.

Would there be a gender question if society didn’t label pink as feminine and blue as masculine?

Once as a child I wondered if I was a boy in a girls body, I even had dreams of being a boy. I was labeled a “tomboy”. But, I grew up in an environment where nothing was labeled (not gender neutral I don’t think, just not labeled.)

I grew to like some labeled feminine things, but still enjoy many masculine things. I have no doubt I am female now and it was only a passing glance during my childhood, and not something I agonized over. I was just me. I had a devil may care attitude that didn’t give a lick what others thought until about my teenage years and that was more self esteem than anything else.

So if we didn’t label things would there be a question of gender identity?

Personally I don’t think I would care if I peed standing up or sitting down.

Jasikasays:

May 24, 2012 at 7:35 pm

i know what i would do if my 4 year old daughter told me she was a boy. i would show her what a boys body looked like and compare that to her own. she is a girl. thats a fact. id teach her that liking ‘masculine’ things doesnt make you a male. having a penis makes you male. we arent talking about an intersexed child, this is a 100% female child. this child is going to be so screwed up!!

when i was growing up, i, too, hated girly things. i wore a spiderman costume at halloween while my friends wore princess outfits. i never liked dresses or makeup. i loved my trucks and mud and ‘boy’ things. i had a boy hair cut and people always mistook me for a boy. so? none of that made me in to a boy. im still female, no matter what i wear or play with.

motherof4 has it right, i think. its all about labels. youre transgendered if youve got a vagina and love trucks! someday we will all look back at this stage of psychology and think… wtf were we doing??? sexual identity has NOTHING to do with clothing or toys and toddlers have zero idea what any of this even means. would you allow a 4 year old to decide to get a tattoo? to smoke? to drive? no? but youd let them decide something like sexual identity?? why?

im 34 now and still hate dresses and heels, make up never touches my face, and yet… im still a woman! go figure!

stop going to shrinks and have some common sense. let your children be children. let them make adult choices when theyre … wait for it… ADULTS.

Aichasays:

May 28, 2012 at 11:22 pm

I don’t think I would’ve indulged the child. When I was younger, I was really….really boy-ish. I was more than a tomboy, I was really manly, lol. I grew out of it eventually. I really think they should have left their daughter alone without taking it so seriously and just see how it plays out later on.

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