Thursday, December 21, 2017

RW-T: Good Evening, and welcome to Twenty-Three Gigabytes from Bliss, where we discuss the myriad ways in which technology is bringing us ever closer to ultimate realization. I’m Rosie Wishful-Thinking, and, boy, do I have a guest for you! But, first, I’d like to pause for a quick mention of our sponsor, Dominion Taxidermy. “Your lunch looks so good, mounted above the couch.”

Now, without further ado, I’d like to introduce my guest, Brother Maynard Pence. Not only has he led the congregation of the Hellfire and Brimstone Southern Baptist Church for the past forty-two years, but he is also the founder of the God Save Your Soul Pseudoscience Center. And, tonight, he is with us to discuss his latest enterprise, FrankenGod, Inc.

BMP: Obviously, anything from food to a fetus to an anterior cruciate ligament can now be grown in a lab. Yet, let me ask you, what could be more important than one’s ultimate destiny?

RW-T: So, true. It’s my belief that one’s spiritual life is of utmost importance, especially within the chronically stressful, mile-a-minute world we live in.

BMP: Yeah, yeah. That’s lovely, but if you wanted to talk about mindfulness, you should have brought in one of those blasphemous Buddha-worshippers. I’m here to talk about salvation.

RW-T: Now, that’s something we all could use a bit of!

BMP: Amen, Sister.

RW-T: So, if I’m understanding correctly, an individual could foreseeably come to you with a list of qualities he, she or they would like a personal god to embody, and you would be able to accommodate that request.

BMP: First of all, God damn me to hell if I ever do business with a “they” or an “it.” But, yes, theoretically, my very capable neuro-team is able to provide a man or a woman—with her husband’s permission, of course—the Higher Power of his liking.

RW-T: You mentioned your neuro-team. So, this lab-created god is, just to be clear, implanted within one’s gray matter?

BMP: However you choose to look at it, I suppose. I prefer to say “heart.”

RW-T: This sounds to be more of an internal than an external process, which makes complete sense to me. God is the inextinguishable light within us rather than a bearded white man in the sky. Am I right?

BMP: Blasphemer! You tell me where God resides when I’m sitting at His right hand while you writhe in torment in the searing heat of Hades, you Heathen Slut.

RW-T: I apologize if I offended you, Pastor. Please do forgive me.

BMP: That, Rosie, is between you and the Father. Anyway, I can certainly send you home with a Bobblehead to guide you on your path to salvation, but the process itself is internal, yes, for the sinners among us are unable to attain even the slightest glimpse of heaven through the fog of their nefarious thoughts, actions and deeds.

RW-T: So, it’s clarity you offer?

BMP: Yes, brain surgery.

RW-T: Wow, that sounds really involved.

BMP: It is, but, if truth be told, I simply haven’t gotten the results I’m after through conversion therapy, intimidation, rallies, lynching or any of the other conservative modalities I’ve practiced over the decades. And, I’m not willing to settle for a society anything less than one-hundred percent pure… of spirit.

RW-T: I must say, Brother Pence, I’m in awe of your desire to provide those who have looked so deeply inward an opportunity to embrace a higher power that is meaningful to them.

BMP: Yep, that’s what we’re telling people.

RW-T: So, how does someone who is interested in your services find you?

BMP: Parents with the appropriate pedigree may call my office to schedule an appointment for their offspring. The number is on the website.

RW-T: What about those seeking to schedule an appointment for themselves?

BMP: He or she can call the same number to request a questionnaire. If the desired God is, in fact, the One and Only Almighty, we can typically schedule the procedure within a week.

RW-T: And, if the caller is seeking a god whose teachings originated in another part of the world or serves as the synthesis of a personal belief system?

BMP: Then, they best be prepared for one hell of a Come-to-Jesus Moment.

RW-T: I’m a little confused, Brother Pence. It sounds as though those who are able to access your services are required to meet certain, rather strict, criteria.

BMP: We don’t need any more sinners in the world.

RW-T: But, how are you able to grow your business if those with diverse ideologies are turned away?

BMP: Simple, Rosie. I have my bread and butter in the government contracts.

- - - Kelly Sauvage Angel is the author of Om Namah… and Scarlet Apples & Cream. She’s not necessarily as frightening as her name might suggest.