Quality Vs. Quantity in Love, Sex & Relationships

I write this as I immerse myself in the feeling of having met a girl of astounding quality. We just spent one incredible week together in London. I met her on the last New York Day Game Workshop I ran, and after having spent one beautiful evening together, we decided she should fly to London so we could get to know each other better.

It’s times like this that I pinch myself and remember my life was not always like this before Love Systems . When I was in school, I couldn’t even talk to girls without breaking a sweat or stuttering my words, let alone get a girl to fly across the Atlantic Ocean for me after having spent only one night with her. Clients always say to me, “Wow man, you seem to do this stuff so naturally, have you always been like this?” I have to remind them that no, I haven’t always been this way and that all the attractive qualities I embody I have learned.

It’s important to realise that as you grow and learn more about women, your goals will change. Maybe at the start, you just want to learn how to approach women in bars or on the street and go on dates or take them home, but later on once you’ve achieved those goals, you’ll want other things. Maybe you’ll want to meet a specific type of woman, get into a relationship or manage multiple relationships (if you’re interested in finding out more about the latter, check out Savoy’s Relationship Management DVDS – they are the best and most comprehensive resource I’ve personally come across on the topic).

Two major factors that will feature in your goals are quality and quantity. People may talk about having one or the other but the truth is that you need both at different times of your life.

Quantity and “Being a Player”

You need to meet, talk to and date a lot of women before you know what kind of woman you want. If you don’t survey the market, how can you know what’s out there, what you like and don’t like?

It’s funny that there’s a social stigma attached to being a man who has dated or slept with a lot of women. Sometimes when you are talking to a woman, she senses this and even though she is attracted to you, she tells herself, “Watch out: he is a player.”

I don’t associate myself with that label. “Player” implies that some manipulation is taking place. Anyone who has taken one of my workshops or read my blog knows that I believe in full honesty and expressing genuine intent when you meet a woman. The women I meet now know what I do for a living, what my sexual and romantic history is like, and what I am looking for.

But the other side of being a “player” implies experience with a lot of women, and that is something that I’m happy to be associated with. Not for bragging rights or so I can tell stories to impress my guy friends, but because the amount of women I’ve met and dated has enabled me to become a stronger man and to know what I want from a woman and a relationship.

Women often say they “want a man who knows what he wants.” But to get to this point, you DO need to date around and meet a bunch of women first. So don’t be afraid to do that: just learn from everything you do and always be trying to take your life to the next level. It’s true that women WILL test you for your reaction when they ask if you’re a player. If you don’t know how to deal with that, check out the interview I did with Kisser on Handling Tests – it was such an awesome interview as we each have different ways of dealing with that tests that women throw at us.

Quality and “That Special Girl”

When you start getting good at dating science, it’s all about numbers. Numbers of approaches you do, numbers of dates you have etc. But when you start being able to meet and date women easily, what next?

The next stage is quality. That could mean quality of sex, quality of conversation, or quality of a relationship. Whatever your metric, you start to look for someone that scores highly in a particular department rather than an abundance of people who just meet the grade.

I’ve had promiscuous stages of my life where I dated and hung out with several lovers each week. I don’t regret any of it – I had a blast and it enabled me to become the man I am today. But after going from being an introverted geek (full bio here) to someone who was good with women, I started to figure out what I really wanted from women in my life.

I recently hung with a Sydney bootcamp alumni (he goes by Tawl on The Lounge, our exclusive forum for bootcamp and workshop clients) who asked me what kind of women I liked. He was shocked at the response: instead of just saying, “a Brazilian” or “a dancer,” I started telling him about my ideal kind of woman and didn’t stop talking for about twenty minutes.

I know so specifically what I want in a woman for her to become a part of my life that I screen for it in every aspect of our interaction – from how she looks, speaks and moves to what she’s achieved in her life and what she wants to achieve in the rest of it. Part of this relates to the Qualification process I teach on the Day Game program, which is based on real standards and designed to get you on dates with women you genuinely want to spend time with instead of women that don’t stimulate or inspire you.

But the flip-side of quality is that you’ll always be improving yourself and increasing your standards. Sometimes a woman or a relationship will grow to fulfil your new needs, but sometimes your needs will grow beyond your current relationship (which is when the relationship breaks down). At this point, you need to know that should you need to survey the market again and go through some quantity in order to take things to the next level, you are capable of that.