Archive for February 2nd, 2010

Of course you’ve heard music that makes you want to shoot the artist dead, here’s some songs that make me cringe and slap people who put on this shit expecting to please me. In no particular order because they all suck.

Teenager In Love – Red Hot Chili Peppers

The favourite band of pseudo-intellectual yuppies, RHCP have made some fantastic music for most of their career. I had a tiny bit of respect for them because they kicked my brown ass with songs like “Give It Away” and “Under The Bridge”. Till I joined a stupid advertising firm where one almost-fat idiot would play Teenager In Love. This chubby boy played that song twice a day for all of the nine days I was there, and RHCP is responsible in a big way for making me walk out of that place, never to return. “Teenager In Love” sounds like a happy “Last Kiss”, the only difference being Last Kiss is a good song. I bet Red Hot Chili Peppers started to suck after most of them went clean, which goes to show that crazy rockers should remain crazy and never sober up. Want another example? Listen to the stupid chorus on Snow, just pay attention to what Anthony Keidis is singing there. Go back to wearing socks on stage, Tony, even though I don’t care about seeing you or any of your cheese-ass bandmates in the buff. Your new music is not my aeroplane.

Stand Up For Your Right – Bob Marley

Don’t tell me any of you take this guy seriously. A stoner hippie who played the same reggae chords over and over again, and that awful chorus on “Buffalo Soldier”. For some time I liked “Legalize It”, but even that started sounding lame when I figured toking was the only thing Bob Marley was passionate about. “Stand Up For Your Right”, my ass. If Bob had half a brain, he would’ve got that wound on his leg treated instead of lying down and smoking spliffs and eventually dying of gangrene. Anyway, if that hadn’t happened, the sheriff would’ve shot him.

Jiya Se Jiya – A R Rahman

I can’t complain about the music here, Rahman has a way with beats and tunes but he should give up trying to become a vocalist. The most painfully annoying voice around is not a good topping for very good music. Right from the moment “Jiya Se Jiya” begins, I want to assassinate A R Rahman. I don’t care how many international awards he picks up (whether he deserves them or not is another thing), Allah Rakha Rahman should quit trying to push himself as a singer. Does anyone remember that terrible rendition of “Vande Mataram”? I still can’t get over how poorly he did it.

Just An Illusion – Imagination

When your infant refuses to sleep at night, just put this on and you’ll be lulling it into a fucking coma. I’ve heard this plenty of times at Toto’s Garage, and every time it has made me want to throw my overpriced beer on someone. The chorus gets repeated around 50 times in the song and I when I close my eyes in that drunk state, I can only think of ten fat, black chicks with permed hair singing like buffaloes in unison. For the longest time, I thought this was INXS at their creative worst, but then I found out “Just An Illusion” is by Imagination. Guess what the band lacks?

I Will Survive – Gloria Gaynor

The most famous and the worst heartbreak song ever. Every chick who’s had her heart newly broken, and even some guys who got rejected by the college hottie will be moving to this shit after a few pegs. I really don’t mind hot women gyrating to “I Will Survive” or anything else, but ugly, fat chicks grooving to this track seems fitting. Had Gloria Gaynor taken a good look in the mirror before heading to that nightclub, she wouldn’t have had to sing this crap.

There are plenty of bad songs around, these are just the ones that have been pissing me off in recent times. I’m sick of writing this shit, and by the time this gets published, I’ll have watched Z Machine live at The Blue Frog and will have killed the neighbourhood with Last Days Of Humanity. Noise!