The hour of judgement fast approaches, and at some point today NHL disciplinarian Brendan Shanahan will pick up his phone, call Blackhawks defenseman (and vicious elbow enthusiast) Duncan Keith and unleash his own personal brand of hockey justice.

Which will probably end up being five games.

The Blackhawks are currently in sixth place in the Western Conference standings and barring a complete meltdown in their remaining seven games, will be making it to the playoffs. Unfortunately Keith’s suspension will ensure he has a nice rest before things start getting real again.

Before we get into the potential scenarios for Duncan Keith, I figure we’d check in with my consulting firm and see what they have to say about Macho Man Duncan Keith’s forthcoming suspension.

In case you haven’t read my work before, my consultants are an army of Batmans.

(It's easy to see why I hired them. They are smart, moody vigilantes)

Errant elbows like the premeditated knockout special Keith threw on Daniel Sedin are exactly what is wrong with the game and the Batmen are right to call for a severe punishment. They should know, in the new Batman comics reboot his parents were killed in an alley by, well…

So with that, let’s take a look at the possible outcomes of the forthcoming Shanahan/Duncan phone call that will leave the entire city of Vancouver and all its fans frustrated, disappointed and with one more reason to hate the Chicago Blackhawks.

Scenario 1 - Brendan Shanahan gives Duncan Keith a five game suspension. The Chicago media erupts declaring that “even though Keith kinda sorta did a bad thing, the only reason he was punished is because Daniel Sedin is a wuss who got hurt”.

Likelihood of this happening? About the same as me eating trench of Oreo’s for breakfast tomorrow. It really shouldn’t happen, but it almost definitely will.

(Not pictured: A healthy balanced breakfast, self-control)

Scenario 2 - Brendan Shanahan gives Duncan Keith a slap on the wrist. I don’t mean a soft suspension, I mean an actual slap on his wrist. Shanny schedules it for next Monday, so Keith will have plenty of time to heal up before the playoffs.

Likelihood of this happening? About the same as there being a “Green Lantern” sequel. There is an outside chance that it could happen, but it probably wont. As a GL fan it’s as hard for me to admit that as it was for others to watch it.

(In blackest night indeed)

Scenario 3 – Shanahan forgos the phone call altogether and sends Duncan Keith a series of vague text messages regarding his punishment. Keith responds in confusion and demands to know how long he will be out for, to which Shanahan waits several hours before responding with a text that says “Umm.. still thinkin bout it. I’ll let u know tmrw lol”. This goes on all weekend.

I’ve been there. That is almost punishment enough.

Likelihood of this happening? About the same as Wyatt and I getting asked to fill in for John & John on a Sportsnet broadcast. We just wouldn’t be able to strike the same delicate balance of hockey insight and food opinions. We wouldn’t even come close.

(I play it way safer than John Garrett. That's why he is way better than me)

Scenario 4 – Brendan Shanahan decides that the incident was retaliatory and suspends Daniel Sedin for 10 games for starting this whole mess and bringing it on himself. He also openly admits to having an anti-Canucks agenda, following up that revelation by suspending Pavel Bure 30 games for his elbow on Shane Churla during the ’94 cup run. Upon discovering that Bure is no longer playing, he adds those games to Daniel’s suspension.

Likelihood of this happening? About the same as us finding out that Duncan Keith and 90’s rap legend “Kool Keith” are the same person.

(Damn. He even makes sleeping on a bench look cool. Respect)

Scenario 5 - Brendan Shanahan decides he has finally had enough of teams laying cheap shots on the Sedin twins and decides to lay down the hammer. Keith is suspended for the first round of the playoffs, Chicago is slotted into the 8th seed by default and a league-wide mandate goes out to all officials that the Sedin twins are permitted to hook as much as they like.

(The Hookpocalypse is upon us! Someone call Rufio)

Also, any media members that refer to the Canucks as “the dirtiest, most classless, universally hated team in the league” without proof or a long history of events warranting that distinction will have their NHL credentials stripped from them. They will also be forced to cover youth soccer games until they learn some respect.

(Hope you like watching 20+ kids run in the same direction for an hour)

Likelihood of this happening? About as likely as their being a March 32nd this year.

Scenario 6 - Brendan Shanahan decides to actually look him in the eyes as he drops the hammer, and schedules an in person meeting where he gives him 10 games.

Likelihood of this happening? I don’t care. THIS IS THE RESULT I WANNA SEE!

So there you have it folks, just a few things that absolutely will not occur today during that anticipated phone call. A guy can dream though. Regardless of what happens, it should be noted that Daniel Sedin did put a shoulder into Keith’s face initially. Much like young Bruce Wayne being too much of a sissy to watch an opera, this inciting incident was the cause of the event, but pales in comparison to the crime that was committed afterwards.

If Shanahan doesn’t see justice done, I have a feeling Henrik Sedin might have a trick or two up his sleeve.

You can follow j.Bowman on twitter (@jBowmancouver). He hopes Duncan Keith misses at least one playoff game. Making threats aren’t cool. Less cool? Following up on them. Less cool than that? Leaving the giant sticker on your baseball cap.

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