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On Having Big Baps

So it began when a recent boyfriend told me I didn’t dress sexily enough. Then, amid the hauntingly poignant wails of the Wanker Alarm, I caught myself flattening my 34DD’s with a minimiser and two sports vests, a practice which had been a daily ritual for a worrying amount of time. This was when admitted he’d made a valid point; I’ve developed an oddly complex relationship with my own boobs.

Before I explain, lets go back to the actual beginning: the spawning of my joyboulders. I was 15 and had what looked like two bald men’s disembodied heads stuck down my top. They wouldn’t keep still, people wouldn’t stop mentioning them, and I couldn’t buy those pretty bras from New Look like Cheryl Dunwater*-a popular girl with great scented gel pens, small boobs and all the boyfriends- anymore (she also had a tippex-sniffing problem and was quite violent).

If I wore the cute bras, my left boob was liable to flop out in the middle of Geography and start labelling African countries (it was always the superior of the two). To make things worse, the boys at the recreational centre we used to hang out at kept mistaking me for a sexy boobperson because of my huge tits, when all I wanted to do was read Judy Blume and smell gel pens.

I eventually gave in and snogged one of them, at the ripe old age of 16, immediately crying for an hour because it was “disappointing” and he tasted “like a hamster”. I didn’t deserve these things on my chest. These veritable shagbeacons that made all the wrong sort of guys like me, and all the right sort (for example, that lovely shy one in my art class who cleaned his brushes at the same time as me too much for it not to be a coincidence) a bit scared. They terrified the shit out of me and, in some ways, they still do.

Why? Well lets start small and work upwards.

Firstly, it doesn’t help that I still can’t buy bras over a C cup without going to those COME SPEND £40 ON A BASIC NECESSITY SMALL-BOOBED WOMEN CAN GET FOR A FRACTION OF THE PRICE WHICH IN NO WAY SUGGESTS YOU’RE ABNORMAL shops with names like Figberry and Berryfig and Dame HugeBoob McMonsterTit.

Having to go to a special shop because you’re a woman with breasts is not OK-how can a high street womens’ clothes store call itself a womens’s store while refusing to cater for proper great tits? Hey, Topshop, women don’t all wear a 32A and leather cropped tops, y’know. SOME women do, but many others have breasts.

However, you’d be forgiven for forgetting this considering we’re as likely to see baps bobbing along the catwalk as you are models working the runway with vaginas over their trousers. Hotpants? Sure. Knickers? Why not! Breasts? No, BREASTS. They’re jiggly, sort of globular things on the front of most ladies.

Oh, you’ve never heard of them? Well, here’s a womens’ magazine you can look at. It’s published for the average UK female, so surely there’ll be loads of… well there’s usually at least ONE who has… NEVER FUCKING MIND.

Leading us seamlessly to exhibit B. Repeat the Golden Rule of Womens’ Publishing after me: keep subtly reminding us how unusual normal tits are by pointing them out whenever a pair appear. No celebrity lady with breasts can ever be described in a magazine without the adjectives “curvy” “curves” or “curvacious”. Are the small-bapped ladies constantly referred to as “skinny” “thin” and “boyish”? Nope, aside from those charmingly passive aggressive dress-for-your-shape features.

Athletic/Boyish figure? Err… turn to page 42-150 for a variety of great style options. Ummm…. wear a bra padded with the cake you shouldn’t be eating if you want to lose those extra 6 lbs, you fat bitch (turn to page 35)? Y’know, to create curves and stuff.

In the meantime, when someone shows off a bit of side/front/diagonal bap they’re lauded as some sort of champion. BLAKE LIVELY: BOOB WOMAN. No, Blake Lively just wears plunging necklines occasionally. And if she’s a boobwoman, what the hell am I? A monstrosity? I think I could fit twelve of Blake’s boobs into one of my nipples.

Furthermore, Kate Winslet’s always hourglassing around the red carpet alongside Scarlett Johansson, who’s so busy “pouring her curves” into everything it’s surprising anyone even notices Rihanna boldly “maximising her assets”. Look, there’s one who has breasts and STILL manages to be stylish! HOW DOES SHE DO IT???! AGAINST ALL THE ODDS (see pages 42-150) WHAT A ROLE MODEL!!!!!! I just got so excited one of my boobs popped out and made an old woman in Starbucks throw up!! Now everyone’s crying!!

“Oh,” said a good friend when we, very drunkenly, discussed this at length, “but at least men love them.” She was being sarcastic, but it riled us all the same, opening the floodgates to Part Trois of my argument, requiring an extra strong opening paragraph for emphasis.

ER, FUCKING FUCK THAT RIGHT IN THE FUCK. Not sure about you, but I don’t wake up every morning jiggling with anticipation at how the male population will react to the classic bit of boob I’m about to unveil. Especially not the guy in the shop downstairs who regularly informs my breasts of the 50p card charge with every transaction. It just makes me feel uncomfortable and angry because who needs to be reminded of their sexuality when buying a Freddo at 11am?

Sure, boobs are bouncy fun sex things, but there’s a time and a place. Namely MY time and MY place, because they’re MY baps. Not everyone’s, everywhere, just because it’s a hot day and I’m wearing a fucking tee shirt. It’s not like I can detach them, or turn my tits on and off, so I’ve been using clothes-based trickery and sports vests to prevent your stares and tit-specific catcalls. Why should I feel I have to? Am I screaming across the road about your bulge while you’re jogging? No. Because I have a bit of respect and can bloody control myself around members of the opposite sex.

Mysogyny and being a massive tool aside, when you add the catcalls and comments to the shitty fashion industry and spineless magazine editors working tirelessly to outcast The Boob forever, I suddenly understand why my healthy womanly bodyparts often feel like something to be ashamed of. And confused by.

Of course I know in my soul, while sexily sexing around my bedroom and wearing an egg-stained dressing gown (I eat a lot of eggs), that I shouldn’t care so much. I know firsthand the lovely subjectivity of sexiness. There was nothing sexier, for example, than when an ex-boyfriend told me he’d spent the previous evening researching various mythical demons on Wikipedia. Or when he was unable to understand the concept of online shopping. Of course, I also enjoyed how he looked in his boxers, but this illustrates the many mysterious layers of attraction.

See, I understand it’s not boob-orientated REALLY, but all these conspiring factors work to make my own kooky eccentricities- such as, say, coating everything in a thin layer of egg- feel constantly secondary to my massive wappos. And, by being a fairly gawky, slightly anxious, awkward, romantic, bookperson, I still feel like a 15 year-old not living up to what my boobs are promising. Which is ridiculous because they’re just boobs. Big boobs are very common.

Very common and marginalised by the fashion industry, normal clothes shops, female-orientated magazines and used to make us feel like we’re sexy boobpeople when in fact we’re just people with large boobs. Stuck walking behind them for the rest of our lives.

Look, it’s clearly serious when you’re 24 and wearing a tight summer dress because it’s hot makes you miserable. I even bought a cardi, despite being almost comically overdrawn and possibly melting. This needs to stop.

Can you imagine how happy I’ll make a newborn baby one day? Have you any idea how many shapes you can make with a good handful of boob? I haven’t got the hexagon down, but my equilateral triangle’s coming on a right treat.

Maybe I’m mental and nobody else feels like this. Somehow, though, I don’t think I am, although I have no idea how to make friends with my joyboulders until the world stops, subtly and not-so-subtly, conspiring against them. I suppose I could start by throwing out my sports vest and wearing whatever the fuck I like.

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58 thoughts on “On Having Big Baps”

Big boobs aren’t discussed enough — I mean, by people who possess them and need to navigate all aspects of their lives from behind them — and one of my hobbyhorses about big boobs is sports bras. I sincerely believe sports bras, specifically the sheer price of them, has a real impact on the uptake of sport of young girls, which obviously has a follow-on effect for older women, and that their need is most acute for those most in need of scaffolding in high-octane pursuits (i.e. the well-endowed). I hated PE, and a very real part of that hate went with the fact that, along with my general sports inability and lack of enthusiasm my breasts were flolloping around for all to see (and, of course, for all to comment on). Even now, when I can see the point of regular exercise, a good sports bra is prohibitively expensive, even more so than the regular kind (which I wholeheartedly agree are overpriced and not sufficiently well served by the usual run of shops).

As someone with no breasts it was interesting to read your article. Although you make the valid (and dissertation worthy) point that there are no breasts on the catwalk, it is really very unusual to see your average woman walking down the street in those fashions anyway. The suggestion however that womens’ magazines don’t have breasts is not so true. Maybe they don’t look like breasts compared to your lovely “baps” but they are usually a minumum size B but often a C. I’m an AAcup and am made to feel very abnormal for this. I am forced to buy my clothes in Topshop, H&M,etc (young people’s shops) regardless of my own personal style because more elegant fashions don’t cater towards women with nothing up top. I have always felt like this was an unfair twist of fate for all small chested people. Thanks to your article I now realise the window of acceptable boob size is even smaller than I had previously thought as it appears large-chested women are also made to feel abnormal. What sort of society is this that the majority of women are marginalised?! We should have an uprising.

This nearly made me cry as it’s essentially my daily rant. 30GG people. 30GG. Layering is my friend, halternecks are out and anything made with a ‘boob’ area also out. Zip up things – out. Pretty flimsy things – out. Bras that start at £35 (and matching knickers for at least £20), massive discomfort and my boobs being as unanimously everyone else’s property in the same way a pregnancy bump is – very much in. I even eat lots of eggs too.Thanks for this.x

FINALLY. My relationship with my breasts would be defined by Facebook as ‘complicated’ at best. This article sums up exactly how I feel about them and WHY I feel that way. My ‘funbags’ (very misleading name) are not fun. They are shit. I don’t want it pointed out I have big boobs all the time, I’m aware of that cheers. And when people use it as my defining feature, I get so angry. AND WHY, WHY, WHY do men assume if you’re ‘blessed’ with large bazoomas, you must be up for it 24/7? I’m not. I just want to read a book. STOP HARASSING ME. Thank you so much for this article.

you are not alone, and not in the slightest mental… well not more than me anyway….I wore bras two sizes too small until the age of 27, through pure denial (an actual D or DD). I love minimisers because they stop my boobs from bouncing when I walk, because if they do move, not only is it ridiculously uncomfortable, but it makes me feel hugely exposed and self-conscious – like I am asking for attention that I don’t actually want. I have recently got better at actually having a cleavage, and on rare occasions I dress to show it… however people seem to think that if you have breasts you should want to show them all the time – as if breast directed attention has ever turned out to be a positive thing!!!

Also, bra-shopping. Hate it. M&S have frequently told me ‘oh that’s a popular size so we have run out’ – newsflash, if its a popular size, have more stock…. I hate lace and padding- I have boobs, so I don’t want to buy an extra pair in my bra… I don’t wear sexy or lacy outer clothes, so why the fuck should I have to buy lacy underwear? The choice basically seems to be between sexy, or downright ugly (or ridiculously expensive)… but I shall stop there, as that is a whole other rant…

The only thing I don’t like about my bazookas? Not being able to sleep on my front without having to shift them to one side first. Oh and I can’t run without blacking my eyes, but running is very bad for the knees anyway. Apart from that, I love them. And the shapes they make. And the fact I can store stuff down there: last night they provided a handy stashing place for my lighter and fag (unlit). All hail the Mighty Boob.

There’s barely room in my bra for my boobs let alone anything else! Bravissimo are great at finding bras but don’t expect to breathe for a few months after! My boobs are the one part of my body I’d change tomorrow if I had the money etc.Saying that, it’s awesome you love yours

Hi S.P. It is not merely that fashion magazines don’t cater for those of us with Big Baps, but also that ordinary clothes don’t fit properly at all. Whereas you are restricted to the Aisles of The Younger persons store in order to get something to fit, I who have normal sized Arms, waist and hips have to get all tops in 2/3 sizes too big for the rest of me to fit around my boobs. Leaving everything I possess falling off my shoulders or making me look frumpy and overweight because it’s enormous. We should open a fashionline for those outside the “norm” in all departments as a way to start our uprising

If only womens’ clothes shops could cater for, yknow, women. S.P- find the smallboobed perspective fascinating, it’s ridiculous any of us should be made to feel abnormal for something that, as we all know, differs massively from women to women. Boobs are a bit like snowflakes (poetic) and Topshop, H&M etc don’t reflect this.

I disagree. Big boobs are constantly discussed; theyre in the papers (page 3, celebrities, constant bra ranges only dedicated for those with DD+). When are small breasted women in the spotlight? And by small, I mean A cup roughly. I can’t buy most pretty bras…because they are only in a B upwards, or specifically created for D+. If I want a bra in my accurate size (28A), I have to head to M&S Angel bras, which aren’t exactly the sexiest creations. So I completely disagree with the sentiment that bigger breasted women do not have a good selection of underwear; there are essentially none for those that are relatively small.

Thank you very much for this. I’m also cursed with the blessing of big boobs (32G) and though I’ve very much decided to LOVE MY BODY because it is amazing, and deserves my love unconditionally, I do hate the way other people react to my boobs. I hate that my boobs are apparently ‘sexy’ at all times, regardless to how I’m feeling myself (“Hey sexy lady…”). I hate that people notice my chest before they notice my smile or my frown or my sparkling wit. I hate that I have to spend £30 at least to make my boobs comfortable. I hate that every time I’ve talked myself into having the courage to wear nice cool clothes that I like to wear in the summer, some wanker comes along and makes me feel like I’m giving a free public lap dance. I hate that when I dress conservatively I look like a matron. I hate that nothing fits me properly and that when I was a teenager I couldn’t wear cool stuff to school discos. I hate that when I was a schoolgirl I had far far too many instances of verbal sexual abuse directed at my chest, and that before I’d turned 13 I’d got used to this and learnt to ignore men four times my age leering and commenting. I don’t blame my boobs for this. I blame Cosmo, and Glamour, and The Sun, and FHM, and PlayBoy, and The Daily Mail, and the Tories, and chick-lit. And I really hope one day we can beat it because I hate to think my potential daughters might inherit my genes and get treated the way I have been because of how my body looks.

It also confuses me that if I moan about how my boobs are treated, most of my female friends say things like “but you’re lucky- they’re sexy!”. My point is that women should get to choose WHEN to be sexy rather than having sexy involuntarily attached to their chest at all times.

And, I’d go as far to argue that we should also choose WHAT is sexy. We’ve been taught that massive boobs are sexy. They can be… but so can teeny boobs. Or hairy legs. Or a PhD, or a sense of humour, or a love of cats, or being able to impersonate Poirot…

This article particularly resonated today as this weekend I tried to buy a bikini for my upcoming holiday. Jesus. Christ. I know I left it late so there’s just scraps on the sale rail but there is no way what I’ve got is going to fit in *that*. I did eventually find something which will hopefully keep them strapped in while I’m in the sea.

The bikini buying is just one small nuisance though. I agree with everything Painted Alice has said above, except that I didn’t have this problem when I was a teenager. My massive tits are relatively new phenomena (I blame the pill, I guess?), and I often feel like I’ve had my sense of style wrenched away from me as most of my t-shirts and dresses have become inappropriate for day-wear. A bra flash in a meeting with my supervisor is almost as skin-crawlingly awkward as that pervy guy on the bus. And it’s really been quite unsettling as I thought that finally, in my early twenties, I had that dressing myself so that I’m comfortable and confident thing down. Ah well.

What the hell is wrong with you all? You can get a perfectly good selection of bras in M&S for under £20. I love my 32Gs and always have, even though they’re a nuisance to a sporty person like me. Yes, it’s a pain to have to pay £30 for a sports bra, but they’re just part of me. They make sex more enjoyable – yes, to me. Probably to him as well. Lucky him.

Wow, if you can buy 32Gs in what I assume is a mid-range department store for that cheap over in the UK, I might have to move there. Here in the US, to get something that fits my 34G/Hs, I have to pay $70 at a specialty store, or stalk ebay.What I find interesting is that different people ‘wear’ their boobs differently. People are shocked to hear my size and say they don’t look that big at all, and in high school my 34Cs made me ‘the flat one’ in our group. But I know some people on whom 34C is enormous-looking.A very nosey question, and I understand if you don’t wish to discuss, but: you say your size makes sex more enjoyable for you. What exactly are you doing with them that benefits you? I’d love to learn some tricks that would make these damn things worth the trouble.

I’m a 32DD/32E and find Marks and Spencers actually do a rather nice line in bras for large-boobed women (yes, really). They’re often marked down in the sales and you can honestly get them for £5 each. This was a revelation to me.

I used to wear a 30AA or AAA. It was still much easy enough to find small bras at ok prices in M&S or H&M or I could wear camisoles and those vests with the boob areas or just no bra at all. (Yes, I did feel a bit left out and unwomanly with my pancake tits and practically prehensile nipples, but there were choices.)

Then I hit a late puberty and in the space of 8 months went up to a 34E. I missed the 4 week window of being the perfect B/C cup because I was freaking out about being invaded by breasts. Now I hover round a 34DD because I can still get bras for a fiver in Primark at that but not an E and I’ll take the slight discomfort and keep the cash. I do adore Bravissimo and like to go in and have my boobs admired and dressed up like cute puppies to remind me that personally I look better with them than without even though I dream of being an AA again and looking like a clothes hanger.

I have the wonderful combination of being big boobed AND small backed. I’m a 28E which, if shops and underwear brands are anything to go buy, effectively means I DON’T EXIST. Trying to find my size is like some horrendous treasure hunt, where all the small backed, big boobed ladies are racing to get the few 28Es which exist in the world. And when you do find it, there are no matching knickers in the right size… why does that always happen?!

Thank you, thank you for this article, at long last someone else that feels the same way! I got my boobs when I was 9, I thought Mother Nature was having a sick joke at my expense and that I’d managed to get Mumps twice – only the second time I got CHEST MUMPS! No sick joke alas and I am now the frustrated owner of 36DD tits. Due to my budget I have real trouble finding something that doesn’t look like a colourful version of the Mitchell brothers – with padding. PADDING! Did the manufacturers not see the ‘DD’ bit? FFS – who thought I would like padding as well? Can women with boobs have a choice over whether their boobs stick out an extra centimetre like I am wearing two mixing bowls under my jumper? The ones without padding tend to be constructed a lot more ‘old lady-girdle stylee’ and look unsexy and feel like you’ve bandaged your breasts to you, which admittedly is part of the appeal but the ability to breath is a preferable option to me. Personally I like a good foundation of wearing sexy/lucky underwear, most of the time not matching (tell the Daily Mail I am rebelling against the ‘handbag gang’ I won’t care). It should enhance what I wear on top of it not be fighting for dominance; good fitting, nice looking underwear can give me a boost and make me feel awesome and confident. I especially like wearing my most sexy under garments if I go for a job interview. Most of the time I would just like to be supported WITHOUT PADDING or looking like I am wearing a surgical truss, but please not so freaking flimsy that you can use my nipples as a thermostat – because when a bloke looks at my chest as if hypnotised by my nipples and says “you cold?”, he takes offence when I squint at his crotch for longer than is comfortable for both of us and reply “not as cold as you are apparently”, which whilst being a good put down also demeans both of us and propagates the old wives tale of women preferring larger dicks! GAH! Do you see what you do to us underwear designers, do you see? Plus would it kill you to do a few more front closing ones for those of us without double-jointed elbows?Thanks for letting me get that off my chest (pun intended) I am madly in love with the Vagenda – you guys rock my world!

You’re amazing and brilliant. I loved this. Ten years ago in Australia (to the day, in fact) I had my giant, unknown sized boobs taken off on the operating table. I say ‘unsized’ because I never did find a bra that would fit them in. I’m now a 30G. I’m a lot happier now without The Girls. I can workout, I have a lot less Trouble from men I encounter and I can buy clothes off a rack without spending crazy money and then doubling that at the tailor for alterations. However, it does make me sad that I had to go to such extremes to get to that point. Why should I spend the better part of ten thousand dollars and go through so much pain and be left with scars just to feel ‘normal’?

My mother told me this weekend that she wants to go for a breast reduction because she can’t fit into half her clothes anymore, she’s sick of having to buy clothes two sizes to big and she can’t shop at any of her favourite stores. She’s sad that besides only being 50, she has to dress like she’s 70. She’s annoyed that she has to go to boutiques to find swimsuits with built in support. She hates summer and trying to bra which doesn’t make her sweat. Most of all, she quite simply doesn’t feel sexy…

I grew up super skinny and “boyish” and have only recently learnt to love my boobs now that I’ve filled out a bit. My mother told me that she is glad that my sister and I inherited our boobs from my dad’s side of the family (considerably smaller).

It is sad and unfair that a mother can be glad her children didn’t inherit something so womenly from her, just because society can’t seem to cater to her needs. It is shocking that she is happier that I didn’t inherit her boobs than she is that I didn’t inherit her bad eyesight. What the #@&*.

I’ve thought this for a long time! I have had large boobs since I was 11. Not the best as a pre-teen and then self-conscious teenager. But I find now that I’m 25 I’m pretty much at ease with them. I’m a 32 F and have found that places like M&S and Debenhams have come on leaps and bounds in providing bras above a D cup for me to wear. I used to have to shop in specialist shops but now I can generally go and buy what I want, provided it’s a bigger shop. I do wish there were models photographed in the bras that had breasts bigger than satsumas though I have to say. And sometimes you do have to wander into the corner of the shop to a specially labelled stand. God forbid the bigger bras would just be in with the rest of them. Bikini shopping is a nightmare and I generally can’t wear things that are ultra fashionable and often they can make me feel frumpy and fat. It is an odd thing that having large breasts and an ‘hourglass’ shape is supposedly such a positive thing, apparently i am ‘lucky’ (and don’t get me started on gok wan) and i’m told i can wear ‘anything’. Not true. Designers do not cut clothes for women with breasts and hips but can you do? It could be worse!

Being a size 8, with 30E breasts since I was 16 (now 18)? Not easy. It’s not the underwear- it’s getting the clothes to go on the outside, without feeling like I’m showing too much or feeling ridiculously uncomfortable. I do agree with the above that both Debenhams and M&S do great bras in sales for the larger-boobed- definitely check them out if you’re struggling to find things. As for sport underwear or swimwear, that’s a nightmare. Designers seem insistent that no one actually wears them for sport, ’cause obviously big-titted women don’t do sport (implication that if you a) have breasts, you’re not into sport b) have breasts, you’re fat, and therefore not into sport, because only lithe, skinny girls who haven’t realised they’re women yet play sport, right?) meant that I used to have to actually add extra stitching as reinforcement to my sports bra, so that it wasn’t painful when I played rugby.

Really? M&S carries, I believe, two bras in my size (38H in UK sizing, but 38J in their own-brand sizing system, which runs small). And they’re both hideous. For medium-large breasts (usually up to a G-cup), I guess M&S are fine. But most of my bras come from Bravissimo and Figleaves for at least £25 a pop, and women with even larger cup sizes than mine are in even more of a predicament.

That said, Debenhams do a pretty excellent range of large-cup lingerie for very cheap – usually bras for £15 and matching knickers for £6 or so.

I had to read this for certain personal connections. It’s so refreshing to hear some one speak like this, even if it is a result from a mindless society who are unable to think for themselves. It amazes me people in their millions read OK/heat/now (especially pages 42-150) as a guideline on how to live, forgetting the simple fact that each and every one of us is a genetic fuck-up/mutation/devine creation that is each more unique than the last. But as I say to hear a voice from within that masses sit there and shout ‘THIS IS BOLLOCK’ I like a lot, especially someone who is a fairly gawky, slightly anxious, awkward and romantic, bookperson. This is however not a one sided coin, and I feel for the guy in the shop downstairs, unable to break the mindset that has been battered into him through pages of crap in Nuts/FHM/Esquire. Sadly he’s not like you. He doesn’t think from himself, all he see’s is ‘woman’ not ‘person’ and reacts in a similar manner to that he does when gormlessly reading his ‘lads’ mag, because god forbid he could ever seen not to be ‘manly’.

Anyway, I’m glad someone else is fed up of this. Regarding the shopping, I have no place to comment I tend not to buy women’s underwear, the though of dressing my girlfriend makes me feel incredibly uneasy, almost as if she were a christmas tree; but the imagery of society and how a select few are chosen and idolised in terms of lifestyle and looks, how can that ever work for the masses, only a-sexual reproduction could cope with a social pressures like that, maybe we should export ok magazine and it’s principles to fungus and bacteria, as these seem the only societies that fit their ‘mould’.

Ed – a ‘bloke’ who loves his girlfriend’s breast’s as much as her crusty old women elbows and her wonky little toe.

Thank you for this article. Thank you a lot a lot a lot. You made me laugh, but more than anything, it’s amazing to have another woman vocalize what I go through everyday. As a 30FF myself, I know how unexpectedly depressing it is to have to find clothes that explicitly don’t ‘make the most’ of my body. I feel so angry at my own tits when men feel it’s their right to comment on me. Worse, when they swell up and become sore on my period, making me hyper-aware of their big bouncy presence.

I love and hate my boobs in equal parts. The ability to turn them off and on would be incredible. Off: Walking down the street, hot days, sport, running. On: Sexytimes, parties.

And if another fucking ‘fashionista’ tells me to wear V-necks and wrap dresses, my boobs may explode.

Another bad shape to be for clothes is if you’re pretty chunky but with tiny boobs. It’s practically impossible to find a dress that fits the rest of me without having a load of extra material sagging open to show everyone my bra.

I am genuinely so happy for all these comments thankyou SO MUCH- whenever I brought the topic up with friends I always got the sarcastic “oh yeah how AWFUL to have BIG BOOBS” response which drives me insane. To be honest, I expected more of those here.

I think it helps to know that quite a few women feel like this, it’s not our fault and hey, if we cant turn them on and off, let’s be best friends with them.

What I’m saying is, we need to metaphorically join boobs and rejoice. While burning down the Topshop lingerie department.

OMG so much of this article resonates with me. I’m a 28GG which isn’t too horrendous on the clothes front but still has it’s pains with bras, swimwear, sleeping and exercise… The thing that I think really doesn’t help the perception of bigger boobs in society is the complete misconceptions about bra sizing. A DD cup isn’t necessarily huge, the back size determines that and you can have a 28 back without being a child and a 40 back without being overweight. If all women were fitted properly I think a lot of the problems would go and 36C would definitely not be the average UK size.

Thankfully there does seem to be some brands who are doing a wonderful job for catering for bigger boobed ladies. There’s Curvy Kate who do great underwear and use normal models. And for clothes definitely check out BiuBiu, it’s a Polish company but they basically do clothes that incorporate bust size. A bit like Bravissimo but a lot cheaper and nicer. Places like these help me keep the faith when I’m in tears because of back pain and wishing for a reduction!

That’s awful that your poor mum feels that way. I hate it that breasts are seen as these things we can stick on or chop off if they don’t fit. Your mum needs a tailor to alter her clothes, not a surgeon to alter her body! I’ve got short legs but I get my trousers taken up, I don’t get my legs extended like Jude Law in that film Gattaca…

“big boobs are constantly discussed” – right! and it makes big-boobed women feel like freaks! And it makes small-boobed women feel like freaks too! What a friggin’ nightmare this all is!

I relate to this article A LOT. The term ‘boobperson’ is spot on; thankfully I’ve started to deal with it better now, but from the ages of about 14-19 I felt like a pair of boobs with a bit of person trailing behind them.

But at the same time I’ve had friends who’ve been jealous (and of course I was jealous back). They had just as much awkwardness and trauma as me because they felt like their boobs were too small.

It’s a pretty shitty situation whichever side you land on. Which is great for magazines right, because they can keep selling us promises of what clothes will ‘flatter’ our freakish giant/tiny boobs, alongside ‘agony’ articles telling us ‘it really doesn’t matter what your boobs look like, honest, even those mini/massive/lopsided freak boobs are just fine, probably’ and adverts telling us that if we get boob surgery everything will be perfect.

Love the article – hilarious and very true -, love the comments – full of insights and very accurate. I’ll just say that, even if buying bras can be tedious for the boobily voluminous (although if you think having big boobs is tough in the UK, try finding 30F bras on the continent – non, merci, nous n’avons pas de gros baps ici) and getting dresses to fit correctly can be a pain; I. Love. My. Breasts. They are awesome orbs of outstanding sensual beauty. Magazines haven’t told me they are nor models or tabloids, I just think they’re bloody great. I do hope every woman can feel for their girls the elation I feel for mine, as every boob is a miracle.

this has been an interesting insight into something I know nothing of – but doesn’t heredity play capricious tricks on us all ? I got a big nose, insufferable arrogance and depression. In the past I’ve been told off by women for seeing any complaint as something to be fixed when really they just want to have a whinge and be listened to. I’m accepting that, effectively, nearly everyone is hard on women, but my question is, who’s gonna fix it ?

Brill article steve, loved it. Glad to see the passion you have for such matters but also that you haven’t lost your amazing comical touch. miss you lots alice(sorry to do this here but i have lost your number, text me please)

Amen to that! My friends think that I have big boobs, and in comparison to their inevitably skinny frames I do, but in proportion to my own body, they’re actually undersized (size 16 – 38D). I too often end up with great big sags of gaping material around the chest area. Despite this, anything with a cup size of D seems to be considered up the plus end of the spectrum, despite this being positively tiny next to the whoppers being discussed in these comments. Is there anybody who wins?!? Sort it out, shops!

oh my god, yes. There is some sort of collective hallucination in UK highstreet stores that boobs over a DD don’t exist. The result of this is that most of us are wearing the wrong size, which is just silly. Following the Bravissimo (UGH to that name) revelation, I have to buy bras on the internet, like they’re some sort of creepy clandestine habit I must conceal from my neighbours. BE BRAVE M&S! Acknowledge there’s such a thing as the F cup!

I don’t see why the fact that there’s no options for the small boobed means there are for the large boobed? (There’s too many ‘boobed’ in this post already). Trust me, bigger breasted women do not have a good selection of underwear! Try searching for a 30 FF. ANYWHERE.

It sounds like both ‘ends’ of the spectrum, by which I mean, pretty much everyone who doesn’t happen to be a B-D cup, is being left out!

I am also a 30GG… try being 30GG and a student. I only own two bras considering the price. I also recently had to pay £45 for a tankini top. I understand 30GG in itself is probably quite a rare size, but is being D+ really THAT rare that you have to go to expensive-ass specialist shops… REALLY?

I hear what you’re saying, SP, and I believe the fashion industry is out to get all women of all sizes. I’m big boobed and have to shop at McHugeBoobs for my undergarments as well as the rest of my clothes because the other shops only go to a size 14, a 16 if we’re lucky. Sadly at McHugeBoobs I don’t win out there because my inseam is 27″ and apparently you can only be a “curvy” fashionable girl if you’re at least 5 foot 7 inches. So every pair of pants I purchase must be hemmed (they don’t carry lengths).

It’s all ridiculous. I’d like to buy some nice work clothes that don’t cost an arm and a leg, that don’t have to be hemmed or tucked, and look all flouncy flouncy liek the other women in my office. But I’m the only in my office with boobs! Literally, the only woman in my office with boobs. Its frustrating that I can’t find cute clothes like the ones they wear.

So I think, SP, we’re all in the same boat. Rock your AAcup boobs, sister! We should all have access to the same clothes!

32DD never thought they were that big until now……… only downside was expensive bras, and NOT BEING ABLE TO WEAR TOPSHOP DRESSES. Not quite sure what to take from this article! I love my boobs! They suit my frame, aannnnnddd look good when I dress them up. They aren’t out of place on me I think; but unfortunately I know this isn’t the case for many.

Swimwear……. size 6 bottoms (I have rather boney hips ok) and size16/18 tops Become a joke between me and the girlies now about the dilemmas of being size 8 but need 10′s/12′s and in some distressing moments, in some shops, size 14. Sweet jesus.

eBay, people. And shops like Brastop. DD is really not that big a deal, there are a number of brands selling gorgeous bras for anything up to K cup or thereabouts, and you can often buy them new for about £15 online. Don’t think that eBay will be about second-hand, either: there are plenty of lingerie shops selling new stock there, with a massive discount because they don’t have a shop front.

I’ve been a DD for most of my adult life, apart from when I put on weight for a few years and went up to a G or so. I never found it that big a deal, although it makes it a bit trickier hunting for clothes sometimes (though mostly that’s because I’m only 4’11). Yes, I don’t look like the models in magazines, but then no one does!

The part about ‘labelling African countries’ made me spit Diet Coke over the laptop: Hopefully you’ll enjoy this one. For a bit of extra cash (she works hard for the money) me and my 32G’s have started working a second job in a sweetshop on weekends.While reaching for jars over the till, my breasts land on the cash register. Mid-foray for 50 grams of sherbet lemons my wongas ‘no-sale’the till and I get a drawer full of dusty ten-pence pieces straight into the rib cage. The cheery ‘ping’ sound and the subsequent windedness of the server has not once escaped the notice of the children and their social workers.

Thanks for this. Really funny and spot on! I am 34E and have a similarly conflict-filled relationship with my boobs. When I am at my worst I have even considered saving/getting a loan for a reduction, which is mental. It’s really hard to buy clothes, they somehow make me look fat even though I’m not really, people…well men really, are always staring and they generally make life harder. I feel cumbersome, mumsy and unsexy. It does make me feel better to read that other ppl feel the same though and it also helps me when I see images of beautiful women with normal boobs, but I have to go looking for those because, as you rightly say, all the women in magazines are C cup or well below. Grrrrr…

Wow, such a variety of breast sizes out there! I have this idea in my head (thanks, society!) that everyone is roughly 32A-36DD, which obviously couldn’t be farther from the truth! This article has made me feel better about my set (32B) since it definitely isn’t hard to find bras in my size for reasonable prices. That said, I still see beautiful brands that stop at 34, and am bummed out and feel like they’re saying I’m not a woman because my boobs aren’t big enough.

This may be a silly question, but are bra sizes more or less the same on both sides of the Atlantic? I don’t know anyone personally with anything over an E, and I wondered if that’s because I don’t know enough people, or because sizes are a bit different in England?

A-mah-zing! You basically summed up how I feel about my boobs(28FF). I thought I was the only one.

The problem I have sometimes is that I have become an expert at hiding the “girls” that when I wear something slightly revealing it is brought to everyone’s attention that I’m a boob-person, and my cover gets blown – then about half an hour of discussion and staring follow.

Thank you for this. I’ve never read anything that describes my relationship with my boobs so well. I’m sick of being told that I should be proud of them. They weren’t a choice. In fact if I could have chosen I would have stopped with a nice C cup. I’m sick of other women being jealous of the attention I receive because of them. I’m sick of being told that I should be flattered that other people find me attractive. When strangers try to to stop me, touch me, give me hugs, make comments, etc, it’s not flattering, it’s unsettling.

That said, it is significantly easier in England to buy bras over size DD. Which surprised me. Maybe it’s the part of America I live in (northeast) because we don’t have as many people having breast enhancement surgery as say the Los Angeles area, but it is almost impossible for me to find bras in my size here. There is this assumption that if your breasts are larger than a DD, you must also be overweight, so you can find things like 38Gs much more easily than my 32FFs. So I wore the wrong bra size (36DD) until I studied abroad in London and suddenly there were multiple stores that carried sizes above a D. That was about a year ago and the bras I got there have worn out, so I’ve been hunting for months for a place to buy them in America. I discovered that basically zero stores actually stock bras in my size, I have to order them online. The problem with that is of course, you can’t try them on and once you get above a D, sizes get really wonky. Some brands don’t do “double” sizes, so DD=E and it throws off which size I need to buy. Some just decide to tack on Ds so you get weird sizes like 32DDDD which looks more like someone fell asleep on their keyboard than a bra size. So basically I decided that if I’m spending this much money on bras, I’m buying what I know fits me well and get the exact same bras I already own. This is when I discovered that I could pay $60 per bra and order them from the next town over, or pay $48/£30 per bra and order them from England. Then I only had to pay $12.75/£7.95 for shipping on the entire order (3 bras). It is absolutely ridiculous that the only way for me to buy reasonably affordable bras is to buy them from another country.

Here in Australia no store carries my size (32 GG). I settle for a size up in the back and down in the cups, and even that is hard to find and expensive, with no choice, no bright colours, nothing funky, fun and modern. I wish we had Bravissimo here! I get so depressed shopping for bras. Shopping implies choice.