Today, some ass-bandit broke into my house by smashing a window, just so he could steal the ancient VHS cassette player that my wife wouldn't let me throw away. Thanks, scumbag, but the front door was unlocked. FML

Ass-bandit is a wonderful word. That really does suck, OP. I once had someone break into my house to steal cookies and ramen noodles. Look on the bright side, at least they only took that! Hopefully it doesn't cost too much to replace the window.