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It’s usually bad news when an opening message comes in shortly after midnight. I happened to be awake yet, so I opened the OKCupid app and read this message.

“What’s up”

Sigh… I decided this didn’t warrant a response so late at night/early in the morning. He must pay extra to see when someone reads his message, because about 2 minutes later, another message rolled in.

“I’m very attracted and interested in you”

“I’m half asleep so we will have to chat tomorrow.”

“Ok…me too”

He did wait till “tomorrow”- but his next message came in shortly after midnight again.

“You look fun”

I need to inform you that this guy has ONE WORD on his profile. “Passionate.” Which, of course, could mean nearly anything. I was willing to talk to him, but really wanted some more information before deciding if I was interested in him. I waited 12 hours and responded midday.

“I think I’m fun. It might be best to tell me more about you, though.”

“I’m not exactly sure what I’m looking for, but there are 5 things I prefer…”

I assumed another message was forthcoming.. so I waited. (Actually, I assumed he wanted me to press for more information. I didn’t because that wasn’t my request.) It came through at 9:15pm.

“Hello?”

“You didn’t finish your sentence.”

“1. A confident woman

2. Active lifestyle (not skinny…not obese)

3. Pubic hair visible (not completely shaved)

4. Great conversation (intelligent)

5. High sex drive

Keep in mind they are JUST preferences…are you any of them or all 5?”

Hahaha! I got so much more than I bargained for in asking for more information about him! I love that he prefers intelligent conversation – much like the one we were CLEARLY having.

“Wow.”

“Just preferences….not a checklist or anything. And there are valid reasons for each one”

“Are you any or all?”

It does fascinate me how people are comfortable saying things online that they would NEVER say to my face in public. I didn’t ask him what he’s looking for, and only two of his preferences are worthy of discussion with a complete stranger.

“I don’t think that’s any of your business.”

“Really? Why not? Are you insecure? It’s just pubic hair….nbd”

“I trim everything very short”

“Because you are a complete stranger and it’s none of your business. I’m not insecure at all; I just don’t feel like this is necessary conversation.”

He did send one final message, that I sadly was unable to read as he then immediately blocked me. But I bet it said something like “Wow, I just realized how terrible of a human being I am, and I shouldn’t be online dating. I’m going to cancel my account, best of luck to you!”

I do wonder why some men are quick to rush to the “you’re fat anyway” angle. When there was a chance I was going to play along and tell him about my pubic hair and sex drive, I wasn’t fat then. And his messages came through so fast, it’s not like he was studying my profile and then made this soul-searching decision. It was an attempt to make me feel bad, which he was unsuccessful at.

I can only hope that someday I see him in the wild, when he’s out with a bunch of friends. I would love nothing more than to verify his first name, and then say, “Right! You’re the guy I talked to on OKCupid who asked me about my pubic hair, and when I wouldn’t answer, you called me fat!” I mean – he did say he prefers confidence, right?! 😉

The online dating weirdos just follow me wherever I go. I can’t escape them! The latest comes from a Facebook message from Jamshed, who’s location keeps changing. At the time I am writing this, he’s from Mumbai. I also believe that he doesn’t understand the concept of time difference because I received a message from him at 11pm in the evening:

It also had my name on it, so I guess bonus points for a little bit of effort? I don’t believe for one moment that this photo is actually of Jamshed, but notice the gentleman in the photo, if you will. He’s wearing a wedding ring.

Although I have been on an online dating hiatus this year, I have considered myself an online dater for 6.5 years now. If this isn’t your first time here, you’ve read the highlights. I have always expected a specific something to happen, but much to my surprise, it never did. I must say that I am a bit surprised that I had to take a break from online dating sites for this momentous occasion to arise, but it FINALLY happened! Let me tell you the story; it’s pretty awesome.

It had been a really frustrating week. People had been getting in my head, and I realized I had forgotten all about the dog’s insanely expensive heartworm meds. The icing on the cake was having a tent and racks of clothes collapse on me at a festival. I was defeated.

I changed into comfy clothes, and logged onto my personal Facebook page. I had a notification of a message request. (If someone not connected to you on Facebook sends a message- it doesn’t let it through until you accept.) The message said “Hi” and I accepted the message:

As a woman on the internet, I get a lot of messages that are very complimentary towards me. Sometimes I “have an awesome profile” and other times I’m “gorgeous.” I always feel it necessary to send, at very least, a thank you. It’s nice when someone goes out of their way to compliment you.

“You’re gorgeous”

“Aww, thank you!”

“You’re welcome. :-)”

We very well could have ended our conversation here. That was certainly my intent. But, something inspired him to write again:

“I wish I could bury my face between your legs”

WHY DO MEN FIND THIS ACCEPTABLE TO SEND TO A WOMAN!?!?!?!? I assume the mindset is “I’d love it if a woman told me she wanted to spend some time between my legs.” Most of us females don’t find that a turn-on from a complete stranger. (Or even not complete strangers.) I’m going to encourage you NOT to send that type of message to someone on the internet.

I wasn’t quite sure how to respond to this. I could have ignored it, but then the blog wouldn’t be as entertaining.

“I have a court order against using men’s heads as a thigh master. I’m NOT going back to prison!”

If you follow me on Twitter, or listen to any of my podcasts – you likely know I’ve been busy with relatives from overseas. But, online dating doesn’t wait around if you have family visiting, so I decided the blog shouldn’t wait either!

First and most importantly – DatingAdvice.com wrote up probably the nicest thing anyone has ever written about me. They are a website dedicated to all topics regarding dating and relationships, and I’d highly recommend checking them out. (Especially what they wrote about me! http://www.datingadvice.com/online-dating/soon2becatlady-hilarious-online-dating-blog — and ESPECIALLY before reading the following online dating interaction. I enjoy proof in the pudding that I honestly think online dating is fun, and I’m really not pessimistic about it. Don’t let the lines on the screen fool you!!)

My message for you today is DON’T MAKE DECISIONS FOR PEOPLE YOU DON’T KNOW!

I understand that the protection of the computer screen makes it easier to say terrible things to people, as you don’t get to see their reaction. But, these guys have their faces, and names attached to this! No shame, whatsoever. 5 years later and it still floors me.

Today I present to you, my dear reader, a fun CatLady fact. On a random whim six months ago, I went to the optometrist. I hadn’t had my “Disney Eyes” checked since grade school, and was about to sign up for insurance and wondered if I should purchase vision coverage. (Oh Adulthood, you’re so fun!) I assumed I still had perfect vision, but when I was asked to read the letters on the wall with my left eye – my soul was crushed. I am now the proud owner of way more pairs of nerdy glasses than I’d ever be willing to admit. (Most women like shoes. I hate shoes. But give me ALL OF THE NERDY GLASSES!) This is necessary information for today’s online dating horror story. By the way, this post is NC-17.