What You’ve Missed

Advice is Free

Whenever someone asks Lorenzo for money, he gives them advice instead. He tells me, “Advice is free. It doesn’t cost me anything” and I totally agree with him.

I was reading this article on the Vibe Vixen website called “Ten Reasons Why (You May Not Want to Accept) You’re Still Single” (link at the bottom); and I started thinking, and identifying with a lot of what the article was saying, and I knew people who it could have applied to.

I know giving advice can be a touchy subject so, here is my disclaimer: I am about to provide some advice about relationships. I am not a relationship expert. These “tips” are things that I’ve personally done regarding my current relationship and why I think it contributed to its success so far. You can take it or not, you can agree with it or not, you can share it with others-or not. I won’t get offended, I promise. I understand that these points are not universal and will never apply to every situation. Yes, I understand that there are exceptions to every rule. If there are any additional details you want to know about how the situation applied to me, let me know. I’ll share 😉

Know what you want out of a relationship before getting into one. Don’t be one of those people who say they want one thing and all of your dates are the polar opposite of what you say you want. Don’t be one of those people who has no clue what they want in a partner or only want superficial surface things (tall, handsome, rich, dimples). Go a little deeper. Look for characteristics with longevity (generous, maternal, good conversationalist, etc.). Oh and worst of all don’t be one of those people who say they want a monogamous relationship when you really don’t! UGH! Lorenzo always says, “If you go buy a car, you expect it to come with an engine, 4 tires, a steering wheel, and seats at the minimum. People should know, at the minimum, what they want out of a relationship before getting into one. Would you buy a car with no engine?”

Work on yourself. I’m just going to say the thing that your friends are too nice to tell you: it IS you. The only thing your exes have in common is YOU. Sit down and ask yourself some serious questions about why you are not where you want to be romantically. Are you settling for less than what you deserve? Are you bitter? No man wants to be with a woman who hates men (and vice versa). Spend some time alone and try to figure out who you really are, flaws and all, and figure out how to correct your bad behavior in the future.

Communicate. You have to talk about what you want or need from a relationship. It’s the only way to make sure you and your partner are on the same page about where the relationship is going. A closed mouth can’t get fed and if you don’t CLEARLY communicate what you want or need, you will never get it. Don’t be the kind of person who says things like, “But they should just know what I like/want/need.” Also, don’t hold things in and wait until you’re angry to talk about something that bothers you. Get it off your chest (if the timing is appropriate) and fix it now, before it becomes a bigger issue.

Timing. I’ve learned that when a man tells you he’s not ready for a relationship to believe him. I tried to wait for a guy once and the only time he wanted to take me serious was when I had moved on to someone else. A few years later I dated a guy who couldn’t get his story straight. He wanted me, but not a relationship. Not being one to make the same mistake twice, I left him alone. Immediately. Lorenzo says timing has to be right with relationships. If you are not on the same page from the beginning, you will always have problems. Be realistic about your situation and the person you are dating.

Get over yourself. Extreme insecurity, excessive jealousy, hood life, or over-the-top diva-like behavior is not cute. Swag doesn’t pay bills. There is a very thin line between confidence and arrogance so tread lightly. Trust me, even your friends are annoyed with you, they just don’t want to hurt your feelings.

Move on. Seriously. I have a habit of ignoring people who I no longer want anything to do with. I don’t answer calls, respond to texts, nothing. No matter how rude they get (some people will say anything to get a rise out of you) I never give them the satisfaction; to me they no longer exist. I feel like keeping an ex around is like keeping old food in your fridge. Nothing good can come of that.

I could go on, but I know how verbose I can be so I’ll just give it a rest for now. I’m sure I’ll speak on this again, but I want to know some advice you may have about relationships or marriage. Lorenzo and I are always getting marriage advice from people we admire and I would love to add to the list.