Active Listening

(drawn from Communication in Organizations, by Dalmar
Fisher)

Reflective listening has its roots the fields
of counseling and psychotherapy, particularly in Carl Rogers's
"client-centered" therapy.This is not to
say that people in organizations should become therapists, but
rather that this one therapeutic skill can be very useful in many
everyday work situations.

Reflective listening is used in situations
where you are trying to help the speaker deal with something. As
you will see, it is very similar to what Tannen would called
rapport-talk.

There are two major aspects of client-centered
listening  the "listener orientation" and the
"reflective technique".

Listening Orientation

In reflective listening, the listener adopts
what Rogers called "the therapist's hypothesis". This
is the belief that the capacity for self-insight,
problem-solving, and growth resides primarily in the speaker.
This means that the central questions for the listener are not
'What can I do for this person? or even "How do I see this
person" but rather "How does this person see themselves
and their situation?"

Rogers and others have made the underlying
orientation of the listener more specific by noting that it
contains four components: empathy, acceptance, congruence, and
concreteness.

Empathy is the listeners desire
and effort to understand the recipient of help from the
recipient's internal frame of reference rather than from some
external point of view, such as a theory; a set of standards, or
the listener's preferences. The empathic listener tries to get
inside the other's thoughts and feelings. The idea is to obtain
an emic rather than etic understanding of the
situation.

Expressed verbally and nonverbally though
messages such as "I follow you," "Im with
vou" or "I understand," empathy is the listener's
effort to hear the other person deeply, accurately, and
non-judgmentally. A person who sees that a listener is really
trying to understand his or her meanings will be willing to
explore his or her problems and self more deeply.

Empathy is surprisingly difficult to achieve.
We all have a strong tendency to advise, tell, agree, or disagree
from our own point of view.

Acceptance is closely related to
empathy. Acceptance means having respect for a person for simply
being a person. Acceptance should be as unconditional as
possible. This means that the listener should avoid expressing
agreement or disagreement with what the other person says. This
attitude encourages the other person to be less defensive and to
explore aspects of self and the situation that they might
otherwise keep hidden

Congruence refers to openness,
frankness, and genuineness on the part of the listener. The
congruent listener is in touch with themselves. If angry or
irritated, for example, the congruent person admits to having
this feeling rather than pretending not to have it (perhaps
because they are trying to be accepting). They communicate what
they feel and know, rather than hiding behind a mask. Candor on
the part of the listener tends to evoke candor in the speaker.
When one person comes out from behind a facade, the other is more
likely to as well.

In some cases, the principle of congruence can
be at odds with the principles of empathy and acceptance. For
example, if thc listener is annoyed with the other person, they
probably have to suspend empathy and acceptance until they sort
things out.

Concreteness refers to focusing on
specifics rather than vague generalities. Often, a person who is
has a problem will avoid painful feelings by being abstract or
impersonal, using expressions like "sometimes there are
situations that are difficult" (which is vague and
abstract), or "most people want " (which
substitutes others for oneself). The listener can encourage
concreteness by asking the speaker to be more specific. Foe
example, instead of a agreeing with a statement like "You
just cant trust a manager. They care about themselves first
and you second", you can ask what specific incident the
speaker is referring to.

In active listening, it is important not only
that the listener have an orientation with the four qualities of
empathy, acceptance, congruence and acceptance, but that the
speaker feel that listener has this orientation. Consequently, a
good listener tries to understand how the other is experiencing
the interaction and to shape their responses so that other person
understands where they are coming from. Furthermore, the listener
must be prepared to deviate from the four principles if
thats what the other person wants. For example, if the
other person asks for an opinion, the listener should give it,
rather than avoid it as implied by the principles of empathy and
acceptance.

The Technique of Reflection

A listener can implement the elements of
listening orientation through a method known as reflection. In
reflection, the listener tries to clarify and restate what the
other person is saying. This can have a threefold advantage: (1)
it can increase the listener's understanding of the other person;
(2) it can help the other to clarify their thoughts; and (3) it
can reassure the other that someone is willing to attend to his
or her point of view and wants to help.

Listening orientation and reflection are
mutually reinforcing. Empathy, acceptance, congruence, and
concreteness contribute to the making of reflectivc responses. At
the same time, reflective responses contribute to the development
and perception of the listening orientation.

Some principles of reflective listening:

More listening than talking

Responding to what is personal rather than
to what is impersonal, distant, or abstract.

Restating and clarifying what the other has
said, not asking questions or telling what the listener
feels, believes, or wants.

Trying to understand the feelings contained
in what the other is saying, not just the facts or ideas.

Working to develop the best possible sense
of the other's frame of reference while avoiding the
temptation to respond from the listener's frame of reference.

Responding with acceptance and empathy, not
with indifference, cold objectivity, or fake concern.

Responding to what is personal means responding
to things the other person says about him- or herself rather than
about other people, events, or situations. If a co-worker said,
"I'm worried that I'll lose my job" the reflective
listener would try to focus on the worried "I" rather
than on the job situation. A response such as "Its
scary" would be better than "Maybe the cutbacks won't
affect you." When the listener responds to personal
statements rather than impersonal ones, the other usually stays
at the personal level, exploring further aspects of his or her
experience, improving his or her understanding of the situation,
and developing a more realistic, active approach to solving
problems.

Because the goal of the process is for the
other person, rather than the listener, to take responsibility
for the problem, reflective listening means responding to, rather
than leading, the other. Responding means reacting from the
other's frame of reference to what the other has said. In
contrast, leading means directing the other person to talk about
things the helper wants to see the other explore. The responsive
listener addresses those things the other person is currently
discussing, often testing his or her understanding of the other
by restating or clarifying what the other has just said, This
usually encourages the other to build on the thoughts and
feelings he or she has just expressed and to explore further.

While questions can be responsive rather than
leading, they very often work to limit the other's initiative by
focusing attention on something the listener feels should be
discussed. Though small, the question "Why?" can be
particularly damaging, since it defies the other to find a
justification or logical explanation that is acceptable to the
helper. Instead, you might try: "That's interesting; can you
tell me more about it?".

Perhaps most important, the reflective listener
tries to respond to feelings, not just to content. Feelings
emerge in the emotional tone that the speaker expresses, such as
anger, disappointment, discouragement, fear, joy, elation, or
surprise. Content refers to ideas, reasons, theories,
assumptions, and descriptions -- to the substance of the
speakcr's message. As Tannen notes, in troubles-talk, the speaker
is often not looking for the solution of the surface problem, but
rather for a way to deal with the emotional and social
ramifications.

In addition, Carl Rogers notes that a person
who receives response at the emotional level has "the
satisfaction of being deeply understood" and can go on to
express more feelings, eventually getting "directly to the
emotional roots" of their problem.

Usually, the listener can be most in touch with
the other's frame of reference by responding to feelings that are
expressed rather than unexpressed. Since many people do not state
their emotions explicitly, this may mean responding to the
emotional tone that they express implicitly.

It is extremely important for the reflective
listener to respond to negative and ambivalent feelings because
this communicates that the listener accepts the unpleasant side
of the other's experience and is willing to join in exploring it,
Such acceptance provides a major release forr a person who has
previously felt it necessary to suppress negative feelings. The
energy that has been used to keep these feelings in check can now
be devoted to exploring the problem.

Here is a little quiz intended to build your
skill in applying the concepts just discussed:

A computer consultant, Jack Phillips, does
work both for you and for another member of your department
(Joyce Carton). One morning you walk up to Jack's desk and he
greets you as follows:

Jack: What am I supposed to do
about Joyce? She throws more work at me than I can
possibly handle. I've told her but she won't listen.
I don't want people to think I'm trying to get out of
doing my job but shes really got me totally
buried

Which of the possible responses listed
below would represent reflective listening. and which would
not?

Hang in there: I'm sure it will
work out eventually

Ill talk to Joyce about it

It sounds like this is really
getting you down

You're worried people will think
you are a slacker?

Joyce is really unfair, huh?

Have you discussed it with Jim
[the boss]?

You were discouraged when Joyce
didnt listen?

Why have you let things go on this
long?

Your really getting fed up with
the situation.

The next step is to actually try it out on
people. It will be awkward at first. It is really hard to say
reflective things in a way that sounds natural for you. But
youll find that even bad attempts tend to produce immediate
results, maybe because most people rarely have the experience of
being listened to in this way.

Advantages of Reflective Listening. Used
appropriately, reflective listening may provide three very
positive results:

The listener gains information. Reflcctive
listening encourages the speaker to talk about morc things in
grcatcr dcpth than he or shc would be likely to do in simply
responding to directive questions or suggcstions. Such depth
of discussion often exposes undcrlying problems, including
ones the speaker had not recognized prcviousIy.

The relationship between the two persons
develops. Thc elemcnts of listening oricntation --empathy,
acceptance, congruence, and concreteness -- are likely to
increase as the reflective listening processs continues.
Thesc are the ingredients for an open, trusting rclationship

The activity arouses and channels
motivational energy. Bccause the listener is an accepting and
encouraging partner but leaves the initiative for cxploring
and diagnosing the problcrn mainly up to the speaker a normal
outcome of the process is that the speaker will recognize new
avenues for action and will begin making plans to pursue
thcm.

Some Dangers to Avoid

Stereotyped Reactions. Constantly
repeating a phrase like "you feel that " or
"youre saying that "

Pretending Understanding. If you get
lost, say "sorry, I didnt get that. What are you
saying?".

Overreaching. Ascribing meanings that go
far beyond what the other has exprcssed, such as by giving
psychological explanations or by stating interpretations that the
other considers to be exaggerated or otherwise inaccurate.

Under-reaching. Repeatedly missing the
fcelings that the other conveys or making responses that
understate them.

Long-windedness, Giving very long or
complex responses. These emphasize the listener's massive effort
to undcrstand more than they clarifv the other person's point of
view. Short, simple responses are more effective.

Inattention to nonverbal cues. Facing or
leaning away from the other, not maintaining eye contact, looking
tense, or presenting a "closed" posturc by crossing the
arms arc only a few of the nonverbal cues a listener should
avoid. "Correct" verbal responses arc of little use
when accompanied by nonverbal signals that contradict them

Violating the other person's expectations. Giving
reflective responses when they are clearly not appropriate to the
situation. For example, if the other person asks a direct
question and obviously expects an answer, simply answering the
question is often best. In other words, if someone says:
"what time is it?" you dont usually say
"Youre feeling concern about the time".