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Breast in Show

How would you plan the next Super Bowl halftime?

Tom Arnold, host, Best Damn Sports Show, Period: “We’ve got to play it safe. We need the Blind Boys of Alabama, the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, and a whole bunch of really fat people, because we never take our clothes off.”

Charles Busch, performer: “Keep it the same. As a female impersonator, I was appalled by the lack of strong foundation garments at the Golden Globes. At least Janet gave us a proper lesson on the importance of a corset—and a detachable brassiere.”

Nan Kempner, hostess: “I’m married to Mr. Football-head, and I’d get rid of halftime altogether. We always have a buffet: smoked salmon, pommes Anna—a casserole of thin-sliced potatoes with cream and cheese—a mixed grill, and a salad. I try to keep them away from that set as long as possible, but they were allowed to take the flaming crêpes back up.”

Peggy Noonan, columnist, Wall Street Journal: “It’s not a visit to the shadowy netherworlds; it’s football! Have the best college marching bands. And the best college cheerleaders.”