Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Hosts Needed, Very Rewarding Work

I'm looking for a group of very special ladies. Ladies who want to give. Ladies who like to help out.

Are you between the ages of 18 (cough) and 40?

Have you ever wanted the joy and delight of pregnancy without all the messy complications from relationships, men, sex and the exchange of unhygienic bodily fluids?

Would you like to be pregnant just to find out what is is like but not have to deal with all the yucky problems that come from being a mom?

Then have I got the perfect idea for you--

Be a Host!

Yes, ladies, you are being offered the chance to host a Ted Spawn.

I want to clone myself and I need a few lucky ladies to carry the unborn Ted Spawn seed for nine months.

And who wouldn't want to? Imagine being the host to the future of humanity! You could say, as the world burns on television while reporters scream to be heard over the cacophony of destruction, that you gave birth to a Ted Spawn yourself!

Imagine how lucky you would be to give birth to something so perfect. A Ted Spawn! None of your cursed blood, poison genes, debilitating defects or, lower intellect. A Ted Spawn would elevate you just short of being Mother to a God!

The process is simple. A Russian genetic scientist will clone my cells and use one of your eggs, then fertilize them and put them back into your womb. Within a few short weeks you'll have a little Ted Spawn using your kidneys as a punching bag.

Imagine how jealous your friends would be! A Ted Spawn inside of you? They would put down their crack pipes and stop texting with their pimps as you told the whole story.

And when the Ted Spawn is born, you won't have to deal with all those ugly moments all mothers have to suffer through. The diapers, the crying, the belching and farting. Your house won't smell like a diaper pail. I will collect the Ted Spawn as soon as it is born.

Twenty years from now, when they are stomping on the terra, and all of humanity is in awe you will have the joy of knowing you did your part.

I only have a dozen openings available at this time, so act now!

I would also like to take a moment and say Thank You to all my fans. February 27th marks the One Year Anniversary of Ted's Creepy Van. I'm just shy of 5,000 views and I really am grateful for all the support. Make sure to stop back often because pretty soon I plan to have Ted's Creepy Van bumper stickers available. Thank You, again!