Archive for the ‘Jokes’ Category

MURPHY’S
LESSER KNOWN LAWS1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.3.Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.4. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.5. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

6. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability that it is wrong. 7. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the
fog.8. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.9. The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.11. A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.12. The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.13. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.14. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. The winners are:

1. Coffee (n.) the person upon whom one coughs.2. Flabbergasted (adj.) appalled over how much weight you have gained.3. Abdicate (v.) to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.4. Esplanade (v.) to attempt an explanation while drunk.5. Willy-nilly (adj.) impotent.6. Negligent (adj.) describes a condition in which you absent-mindedly answer the door in your nightgown.7. Lymph (v.) to walk with a lisp.8. Gargoyle (n.) olive-flavored mouthwash.9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.10. Balderdash (n.) a rapidly receding hairline.11. Testicle (n.) a humorous question on an exam.12. Rectitude (n.) the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.13. Pokemon (n) a Rastafarian proctologist.14. Oyster (n.) a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.15. Frisbeetarianism (n.) (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.