BTW, ReflectR, please use the 'multi-quote' function, when you post 3 times in a row it kinda gets spammy. (BTW I've noticed this with some other NT members)

I confess that I do this on purpose. Often I want each reply to stand on its own so people don't feel like I am just cramming them in with everyone else (feels like you're answering people in a round robin).

Is this your opinion after the betrayal? Is the enviroment that you work in not suitable for friendship creation?

Oh no, I had no rule, it was always just my way of being. I've always been a loner. I know that sounds contradicting with my desire to connect, and it's something I struggle with...

And no, I don't think I need to connect to people to do my job and would find it tiring. Maybe I'd make more money if I did though - probably a mistake

Often a star was waiting for you to notice it. A wave rolled toward you out of the distant past, or as you walked under an open window, a violin yielded itself to your hearing. All this was mission. But could you accomplish it? (Rilke)

BTW, ReflectR, please use the 'multi-quote' function, when you post 3 times in a row it kinda gets spammy. (BTW I've noticed this with some other NT members)

Originally Posted by Synarch

Figured it out! See?

That's probably true. My explanations are often rather concrete. On the other hand, this cultural conditioning could have originated in biological fact. Like, if you are producing milk, it makes more sense that you be the most motivated caregiver. The male can go hunt while you caretake, etc. Otherwise, I concede your point. The problem I have with cultural arguments is that cultural factors are often nearly universal (when it comes to gender) and cultural factors are extremely difficult to analyze.

Well, this is an issue I have had to come to terms with. I used to be pleasant to people that I felt no connection with but internally I said "this isn't my type of person" and distanced myself. I've since learned that I can get along with practically anyone and that I should make the effort to do so. I realised I don't have to be 'best friends' with someone to enjoy their company and that I can have fun exploring the other sides of myself when with someone very different from me. I still desperately yearn for connection though...

I had the same mindset & have come to the same realization pretty much. Still, those people are not my close friends. I've simply realized I can relate to them on some level and enjoy them, despite what initial appearances may have been. Getting along with people is rather easy for me, becoming close is not.

Originally Posted by Synarch

From my understanding of an introvert (like my girlfriend, for example), the connections feel deeper if they are not spread too thin? Maybe that is the reason for your loner / connector conflict.

Absolutely yes....there's only so much energy to go around.

Often a star was waiting for you to notice it. A wave rolled toward you out of the distant past, or as you walked under an open window, a violin yielded itself to your hearing. All this was mission. But could you accomplish it? (Rilke)

Well, this is an issue I have had to come to terms with. I used to be pleasant to people that I felt no connection with but internally I said "this isn't my type of person" and distanced myself. I've since learned that I can get along with practically anyone and that I should make the effort to do so. I realised I don't have to be 'best friends' with someone to enjoy their company and that I can have fun exploring the other sides of myself when with someone very different from me. I still desperately yearn for connection though...

Romantically, no connection does not work for me; connection = attraction to me. Its like being dead inside without it. Forcing myself to give it a go even though I don't feel any connection tends to be disasterous. It would be like forcing yourself to sleep with someone you found utterly unattractive, hoping it would result in attraction.

I can understand that.

Originally Posted by OrangeAppled

Oh no, I had no rule, it was always just my way of being. I've always been a loner. I know that sounds contradicting with my desire to connect, and it's something I struggle with...

And no, I don't think I need to connect to people to do my job and would find it tiring. Maybe I'd make more money if I did though - probably a mistake

In what way do you cope with the contradiction? Connecting and being a loner.

I had the same mindset & have come to the same realization pretty much. Still, those people are not my close friends. I've simply realized I can relate to them on some level and enjoy them, despite what initial appearances may have been. Getting along with people is rather easy for me, becoming close is not.

Agreed. For INFPs, close friendships can't be manufactured, they need to come easily and naturally, and 'natural' relationships are very rare. I don't know about you, but most interactions are such hard work for me.

INFP 4w5 so/sp

I've dreamt in my life dreams that have stayed with me ever after, and changed my ideas;
they've gone through and through me, like wine through water, and altered the colour of my mind.
- Emily Bronte

In what way do you cope with the contradiction? Connecting and being a loner.

I think it's rather common for INFPs to connect through the arts. I relate to people through what they create & what I create. I mean, if I read a passage in a novel that really resonates with me, then I feel a little less alone in the world.

It's also a constant struggle of modifying my behavior & mindset to be more inline with my goal, which is to connect with people.

Often a star was waiting for you to notice it. A wave rolled toward you out of the distant past, or as you walked under an open window, a violin yielded itself to your hearing. All this was mission. But could you accomplish it? (Rilke)

I think it's rather common for INFPs to connect through the arts. I relate to people through what they create & what I create. I mean, if I read a passage in a novel that really resonates with me, then I feel a little less alone in the world.

You know I experience that too.

I've also noticed that I feel somewhat of a connection to people if they like the same art/music/film I like. It makes me feel like I have something in common with them that goes beyond words. I don't know if that makes any sense.

I know my ENFJ sister doesn't really get it...she's like "those are just sounds, and pictures, and colors...it all comes down to how someone treats you"...and yeah, there's truth in what she's saying too, but she doesn't get it.