JABBA: [“I’m going to kill you all!”]
HAN: Yeah, like we haven’t heard that before!
JABBA: [“To the Sarlaac!”]
HAN: The what-now?
LUKE: A creature that looks like a plastic tube with sand around it.
HAN: Oh… not to bad then.
LUKE: Oh—it also has tentacles.
HAN: [Shudders] …crap…

HAN: Hey! I can see! Oh, wait… no I can’t.
LUKE: Don’t worry, I have a lightsaber and the plan I made.
HAN: Wait… you made the plan?
LUKE: Yep!
HAN: …crap…

JABBA: [“Are you guys ready to die now?”]
HAN: I have one thing to say to you, Jabba!
JABBA: [“Ah, to beg for mercy, eh?”]
HAN: No, just to say that you should never have quit Weight Watchers… you’ve let yourself go to hell in a matter of a few years…
JABBA: [“ I know! I eat because I’m lazy; and I’m lazy because I eat. It’s a vicious cycle.”]
LUKE: Let me help you, Jabba.
JABBA: [“Gah! Who cares?! I’m rich! Throw them in!”]

LEIA: Coming to the fleet?
LUKE: Nope, I have to go see, Yo.
LEIA: [rolls eyes] Luke… it’s YO-DA.
LUKE: [sighs] How many times do I have to tell you people this? He’s on Dagobah, not Yoda.
LEIA: [groans] I give up. See you at the fleet.

BEN SPIRIT: You have a sister?
LUKE: No, I don't.
BEN: You have a twin. And you know her.
LUKE: Funny, no woman I know looks anything like me.
BEN: SHH! Don't point that out to the audience.
LUKE: Oh—sorry.

HAN: Lando, you're leading the starfighter attack against the Death Star?
LANDO: Yep! I just love the way the big ball looks!
HAN: Why'd they pick you? You're a little pansy.
LANDO: [Playful slap on the shoulder] Oh, stop it, you!

MON MOTHMA: Look... I'm one of the only three or four females shown in the movie, so I'm the boss.
ACKBAR: Fishy, fishy, fishy, fishy—
MON MOTHMA: Shh! Let's go kill the Death Star...erm...again.
ACKBAR: Fishy, fishy, fishy, fishy—
MON MOTHMA: SHH!

HAN: Where's Leia?
LUKE: Wha? Oh, she must've fallen off.
CHEWIE: ["Here's her helmet."]
HAN: Well, she wouldn't just have taken it off. She must be dead. Let's go.
LUKE: Yeah, okay.

EMPEROR: I told you to stay on the ship.
VADER: My son is on the moon.
EMPEROR: Whaaa!? How come you know, and I don't? You better not betray me!
VADER: I won't.
EMPEROR: Go and wait for him.
VADER: He'll find me?
EMPEROR: Yep. Then bring him up here.
VADER: Aight, dude.
EMPEROR: [ahem]
VADER: Uh, I mean, My Lord.

STORMTROOPER: We have the Rebels.
C-3PO: Hello! Come over here so we can attack you!
SCOUTTROOPER: Go get them!
TROOPS: Yes’sir!
EWOKS: [“ATTACK! Look! Our small rocks work against their armor! Who would’ve guessed?!”]
TROOPS: *Ouch*

LUKE: Dad, are you okay?!
VADER: No, my circuits are shot. Leave me.
LUKE: No, we can save you.
VADER: Nah, I’m old and tired. Lemme look at you once more.
LUKE: [Removes VADER’s mask] Pew! It stinks! When’s the last time you took a bath? And try to use some antibiotic. Those cuts look nasty.
VADER: Sorry… can’t see well without my mask. You ARE a boy, right?
LUKE: Yes, Dad!
VADER: Now, go. Save yourself. Just remember one thing:
LUKE: What’s that, Father?
VADER: Air Vader… Just…do…it. [dies]
LUKE: [Flies away]