Through a series of odd events and the fact that I am growing ever older, it so happened that I had to go in for an MRI - Magnetic Resonance Image for those unfamiliar with the term. It was prescribed after an ultrasound revealed something in my abdomen that shouldn't have been there, besides all of that extra tissue that is self inflicted from too many M&M's, that is. Oh, I thought, a possible excuse for part of that bulge, almost thankfully..... My doctor seemed to be a bit stumped as the mass wasn't noticeable by that other kind of exam that I don't need to mention here,but that all of you ladies, and gynecologists are familiar with. So, he sent me out for an MRI.

I would like to share my personal experience since it wasn't anything like what I had expected it to be. There are just some things that people don't talk much about. I tend to talk about anything to any nearby mammal, so here goes. First, I asked my buddies in the medical field what I should expect. One warned me that I would need an I.V. since I had to have the contrast agent. I hate I.V.'s since my veins are difficult to find and tend to roll. I knew about being in an enclosed area, but that doesn't bother me. I do not have claustrophobia, thank God.

So I arrived on time, filled out all of the paperwork, went to the changing room and put all of my belongings, including my wedding ring, since you can't have any metal in the machine, in a locker. With my panties, sandals and medical "smock" on, I was led into the dimly lit room where the MRI machine was located. I felt like I had stumbled upon Batman's secret cave! It was pretty dark, with quite a few computer monitors on, all around the perimeter of the room. I was surprised to hear this really odd almost musical noise being emitted by the machine. At least that's where I thought it was coming from. It sounded a bit like chirping birds to some sort of alien drum beat. It would be a great sound tract for the new and improved Space Mountain ride at Disneyland.

Being a bit distracted by the noise, I was even more startled when I heard this loud snorting sound just behind me! I turned suddenly only to find a gurney with a woman of about ninety sleeping. God only knows why she was out in the hall of the MRI room! It scared the bejeezus out of me. I got on the bed, and the I.V. consisted of a tiny little shot. I didn't have to be hooked up to a monitor, and it was no big deal. So into the machine I went. They taped my ankles together so I wouldn't wiggle too much. Again, they asked if I was claustrophobic, to which I responded that I wasn't. Of all of my idiosyncrasies, this is not one of them. I figured that I'd just close my eyes and rest for a bit. I had no idea that getting an MRI was so noisy!!!! Adding to the alien drumming bird chirping sound, there was now fan noise and unexpected intermittent loud banging noises. What a racket. I almost felt like I was trying to take a nap at home. But the worst part about the whole process was that my left elbow was laying against some sort of plastic covering that was heating up to an uncomfortable level. I yelled through the speaker, "Hey, my elbow is burning, can I move it?". No answer so I moved it.

I came out of the oven, I mean MRI machine, for a breather, and then they told me I had to go back in for more images. I felt like a piece of toast that just wouldn't brown. Out again, then back in for the final five minutes. I came out trying to glean some information from the expression on the docotr's face. He was concerned about my elbow heating up. We concluded that the rubber coating on the bed where my elbow was resting must have heated up. I asked when the results would be ready, and he said my doctor would have them in about three days. I asked if I could pick up a copy of the report, but I was told that I had to get it from my physician.

So I waited three days, and then remembered that I had forgotten to ask for the results of my cancer screening test.In the midst of all of this, I had begun a new job, and my mind was boggled with soccer party plans. I called for the results of the blood test and was told that my doctor would have to call me back with the results. That put the fear of God into my soul. That's what we told the positive HIV patients when their tests came back positive when I worked at the medical lab several jobs ago. I had to keep calling only to get postponed, and finally, nine days after the MRI, I finally got to have a brief discussion with my doctor who blithely told me that the MRI showed no evidence of anything. I would not require a hysterectomy after all. Not even a biopsy.

So what was all that pain about I asked. My doctor said I probably had a cyst that ruptured. I don't think he has any clue.It didn't make any sense to me since I had the ultrasound three days after the blow to my abdomen that sent me to the moon, and it showed a mass. I'm thinking that my son unknowingly saved me from having to have unnecessary major surgery. I wonder how many women are scheduled to have their innards removed based on an ultrasound that may not have been accurate? Pretty scary. I still have the low back pain but I'm offering it up. I'll be checked again in three months. I think if they keep looking, they are bound to find something. If I hadn't lost my childhood friend to Ovanian Cancer, I might not be as paranoid. She kept going in for three month checks at Kaiser, getting a different doctor each time,and it wasn't until she got one of the doctors who delivered her baby by C-section several years prior, who remembered she had an unusual something inside, and had requested the three month check-ups in the first place, had decided to give her a pelvic exam instead of a pap smear, that they had detected her cancer. It was way too late by then to do anything about it, and she spent the next three years of her life battling the disease. It was the worst thing I have ever witnessed. I am thankful for good insurance and a doctor who knows my history. Geez. I miss working out with Ramin at Exotic Image. That's when I felt the best.

Jewel's Jokes

Subject: Election Year 2004

I am a senior citizen.

During the Clinton Administration I had an extremely good and well paying job.

I took numerous vacations and had several vacation homes.

Since President Bush took office, I have watched my entire life change for
the worse.

I lost my job.

I lost my two sons in that terrible Iraqi War.

I lost my homes.

I lost my health insurance.

As a matter of fact I lost virtually everything and became homeless.

Adding insult to injury, when the authorities found me living like an
animal, instead of helping me, they arrested me.

I will do anything that Senator Kerry wants to insure that a Democrat is
back in the White House come next year.

Bush has to go.

I just thought you would like to know how one senior citizen views the Bush
Administration.

A doctor is complaining to a mechanic
A doctor is talking to a car mechanic, "Your fee is several times more per hour then we get paid for medical care."
"Yeah, but you see, doc, you have always the same model, it hasn't changed since Adam; but we have to keep up to date with new models coming every month."

***

I can't find the cause of your pain
As the doctor completed an examination of the patient, he said, "I can't find a cause for your complaint. Frankly, I think it's due to drinking."
"In that case," said the patient, "I'll come back when you're sober"

***

The Code of Ethical Behavior for Patients
1. Do not expect your doctor to share your discomfort.
Involvement with the patient's suffering might cause him to lose valuable scientific objectivity.
2. Be cheerful at all times.
Your doctor leads a busy and trying life and requires all the gentleness and reassurance he can get.
3. Try to suffer from the disease for which you are being treated.
Remember that your doctor has a professional reputation to uphold.
4. Do not complain if the treatment fails to bring relief.
You must believe that your doctor has achieved a deep insight into the true nature of your illness, which transcends any mere permanent disability you may have experienced.
5. Never ask your doctor to explain what he is doing or why he is doing it.
It is presumptuous to assume that such profound matters could be explained in terms that you would understand.
6. Submit to novel experimental treatment readily.
Though the surgery may not benefit you directly, the resulting research paper will surely be of widespread interest.
7. Pay your medical bills promptly and willingly.
You should consider it a privilege to contribute, however modestly, to the well-being of physicians and other humanitarians.
8. Do not suffer from ailments that you cannot afford.
It is sheer arrogance to contract illnesses that are beyond your means.
9. Never reveal any of the shortcomings that have come to light in the course of treatment by your doctor.
The patient-doctor relationship is a privileged one, and you have a sacred duty to protect him from exposure.
10. Never die while in your doctor's presence or under his direct care.
This will only cause him needless inconvenience and embarrassment

August 2, 2004

Next Post date September 7, 2004

Muslim Toilet (Remind me never to visit!)

One step at a time!

Quotes:

After two days in the hospital, I took a turn for the nurse. ~W.C. Fields

One thousand Americans stop smoking every day - by dying. ~Author Unknown

A hypochondriac is one who has a pill for everything except what ails him. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966

The art of medicine consists in amusing the patient while nature cures the disease. ~Voltaire (François Marie Arouet)

It is sometimes as dangerous to be run into by a microbe as by a trolley car. ~J.J. Walsh

I firmly believe that if the whole materia medica could be sunk to the bottom of the sea, it would be all the better for mankind and all the worse for the fishes. ~Oliver Wendell Holmes

Doctors think a lot of patients are cured who have simply quit in disgust. ~Don Herold

Some tortures are physical
And some are mental,
But the one that is both
Is dental.
~Ogden Nash

The worst thing about medicine is that one kind makes another necessary. ~Elbert Hubbard

I recently became a Christian Scientist. It was the only health plan I could afford. ~Betsy Salkind

Poisons and medicine are oftentimes the same substance given with different intents. ~Peter Mere Latham

Financial ruin from medical bills is almost exclusively an American disease. ~Roul Turley

Better to hunt in fields, for health unbought,
Than fee the doctor for a nauseous draught,
The wise, for cure, on exercise depend;
God never made his work for man to mend.
~John Dryden

Disease is war with the laws of our being, and all war, as a great general has said, is hell. ~Lewis G. Janes

No physician is really good before he has killed one or two patients. ~Hindu Proverb

Pharmaceutical companies will soon rule the world if we keep letting them believe we are a happy, functional society so long as all the women are on Prozac, all children on Ritalin, and all men on Viagra. ~Terri Guillemets

Who ever thought up the word "Mammogram?" Every time I hear it, I think I'm supposed to put my breast in an envelope and send it to someone. ~Jan King

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. ~Erma Bombeck

Here's good advice for practice: go into partnership with nature; she does more than half the work and asks none of the fee. ~Martin H. Fischer

A drug is that substance which, when injected into a rat, will produce a scientific report. ~Author Unknown

Don't think of organ donations as giving up part of yourself to keep a total stranger alive. It's really a total stranger giving up almost all of themselves to keep part of you alive. ~Author Unknown

Don't take your organs to heaven with you. Heaven knows we need them here. ~Author Unknown

Formerly, when religion was strong and science weak, men mistook magic for medicine; now, when science is strong and religion weak, men mistake medicine for magic. ~Thomas Szasz, The Second Sin, 1973

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