Breakups & Divorce Support Group

Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.

27yrs married, 1yr sepeaated, divorce?

my name is rich and i came across this site while looking for someone to talk to. this month marks 1 year ago that i made the dicision to leave my wife. it has been a rough weekend, emotions going both ways. i am trying to decide on the next step.

currently nancy and i are still talking to each other and see each other often.

the big issues for us are trust and honesty.
one year ago after arguing about the kids not doing thier chores ( 26yr son and wife and two grandkids, 21yr son and girl friend)i decided to clean the house myself starting with the front entry way. while cleaning it i found some open mail from a collection agency about an account that i knew nothing about. after looking around i found out that over the past 4 years had charged over $10,000.00 in credit card debt and had taken $18,000.00 out of her retirement account from work. i did not know about any of this.

I told her that in order to resolve this problem that i needed to control the finances and needed to know where the went.she said no. i then gave here till may 1st to change her mind (aprox 3 weeks) or i would move out.

this was not the only issue, the kids living there rent free and doing simple chores was a big issue for me. at the end it was like living in a pig pen.

The 1st of may came and no response from her, so i went and found an apartment (could not move in till june 1st). so every day i would pack up some of my stuff and take it to work and then put it in storage till i could move in. after work i would go shopping for the things i needed, by the time the 1st came around i had everything i needed to move in.

the first few months were rough,she kept telling me that i deserted her. she finally told me where the money went. some of it went of misc. items such as clothes, tires, stuff for the house (i never saw any of this stuff). most of it went to our oldest son and his family to the tune of 200.00 - 500.00 a month to support his family.

i do have to tell you that i am not perfect. her biggest complaint is my cusing. after i have asked someone to do thier assigned chores for the third time i get p____ offand atart yelling and cusing. we have even had written contracts with the kids spelling out chores and consequences.
when the time came to enforce the rules she would not support me in enforcing the terms of the contract. she would say the it was family and you can not make them leave.

i kept telling her what i needed in order to return and nothing happened.
after about six months she started relizine what i had been saying was correct and that she wanted to get back togrther.

up to this point i had only been over to the house to pick up mail and had not gone inside.
when i finally did go inside it was 10x worse then when i had left.

i am now goin g over there several times a month and fixing the place up. i have painted the kitchen (smoke damage from a fire)fixed holes in the floor, put down new flooring in the living room and still paying for a storage room rental so they can organize the house and clean it so i can pay for an exterminator. i have paid for all of this myself and all i am asking for is that things get done by a certain time so i can continue the repairs. it is not happening.

hi reg,
i have a potty mouth sometimes too so if that's the worst of your character flaw, it aint't so bad. i think your girl needs to see a counselor, heck i think your whole family could benefit from it. i think there is hope for all of these issues and for you. Good luck to you.

There is always a chance if everybody involved is willing to try. It sounds like you need to insist your ADULT children act like the ADULTS they are and support themselves in their own homes. As long as your wife enables them, they will never change. I think you have been more than fair and generous. If they won't get help, then file for divorce and build a life for yourself. You deserve more than you are getting right now. Good luck.

I agree, whole family could use counseling. What in the world is a 26 year old who is married and has children, doing living with his parents. 21 year old I can see if he is still in college or just out of college and job hunting.

It sounds like you were too harsh on her by just coming out and telling her you were going to control the finances. After all, that's her retirement money. Couples should work together as far as the money is concerned, but I do see why you got pissed off. Maybe you two were both saving up for retirement from both jobs? Also, that was sneaky of her to not tell you and break trust bonds between the two of you. I'm sure there are more issues here to deal with and I suggest getting a counselor to help you guys out. But Rich, making those demands got you absolutly nowhere. Do you understand what I'm trying to say?

to cerridwen:
i do understand what you are saying.
this was not the first time nor the second or third that she has had money issues. in the past she opened up store credit cards and did not pay them. i stepped in a took care of it. house payments were late, utilities not paid.
when we first got married i paid all the bills, she said that she wanted more control , so i taught her how to budget,pay all the bills from our joint accounts. i was always open about finances, if i wanted to buy something more expensive that a new pair of shoes ,i would talk to her about it.
the retirement account was in her name,but was to be used for our retiement, i was putting my extra money into paying the bills and her credit card debts.

as far as counciling is concerned, we went several years ago about the kids and housework. we had an understanding about things and i moved back in (six months sep.)nothing had changed.

I have tried to be understanding, but when you are not met 1/2 way you start to lose hope.

Reg: Thanx for the info. I hope I didn't upset you. Not my intention! I do think those kids need to fend for themselves, get out there and make it. She sure doesn't need credit cards. I hope you saved your credit! There's a lot going on in that house, and your life. If you want to chat in private, send me a message anytime. Again, I apologize if I hurt you!

Reg I don't want to talk about your kids in a bad way, but they sat there and watched their parents marriage get in trouble over their bull &amp; they didn't care. Take your wife to councelling maybe a stranger can make her see that. Also she may have issues letting her kids grow up and let go or even preparing them for that.

I miss traveling with my husband. Has anyone found a specific site regarding cruising for widow/widowers or any sightseeing trips. Not interested in being with couples and kids,,,I realize a cruise ship will have a portion size of families and couples, but perhaps they also put together a part of the cruise ship for groups of widows/widowers????

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