Sunday, September 26, 2010

Saturday, September 25, 2010

It was a Saturday night and I was tagging along with my dad and his significant other yet again, this time at a football game. For a fleeting moment I thought, wouldn't it be nice to have a guy, a real boyfriend, to take me out every Saturday night? A person to sit with and talk to and be affectionate with at games or movies or dinner or whatever. A Saturday night date. For a second it was the one thing I wanted, and I felt more lonely than I have in a long time, in the middle of this big crowd.

Yeah, I can list all the benefits of the single life: Going where you want, when you want to. Hanging out with a big group of friends and it not being weird. Not having to deal with the other person's psycho side. Not being jealous. Being able to pursue hobbies, interests, etc. Blah, blah, blah, but I'm still so damn lonely, as evidenced by moments above.

It's hard for me to see my single status changing. Partly because I see myself as perpetually ugly, despite any efforts to dress better or change my hair or whatever. My flirtation skills suck, I don't know how to meet men, don't know what to say to them. I'm possibly too educated for 98 percent of the men in this town. Most of the time on a Saturday night (when I'm not hanging out with my parents) I'll stay in and watch DVDs rather than call someone up. I don't really like nightclubs or bars. Actually, I would say I really dislike them.

Does that mean a future as the dog or cat lady? I mean, I know there are things I could try to change in the above paragraph, but do I really want to?

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Thoughts jotted down last week:- It's a rare person who really understands shyness. I think a person needs to understand that barrier to understand me, which is frustrating and I wish it weren't so.

- I regret sometimes that I'm not the computer programmer that my college education trained me to be. I see the missed $$, I wonder if that would have been a smarter career choice. I wonder if I gave up on something too quickly because I found it too hard, and maybe I should have stuck with it. But if I really am honest with myself I think I'm a whole lot more content where I am now than I likely would be in that theoretical programming job, where I probably would have been thinking right about now that I should have dared to go for something that better suits my talents and interests. Even if it doesn't pay as much and I don't get to feel like a nerdy smarter-than-everyone software engineer.

- If I complain so much about not having a "creative life" I should do something about it. I should *make* time for it, not wait for that time to fall into my lap because it will not.

Saturday, September 18, 2010

My thesis is that In a Relationship is just as much of a time and energy sink as Single and Looking. There are various reasons, but one big one. With Single and Looking there's a great deal of emotional energy spent contemplating your lack of dating success, there's stress around existing dates, and of course, wondering, "Is she interested? Am I interested? Do I play like I'm interested?" You spend a lot of cycles thinking about your dating life even when you're not going on dates.

There she weaves by night and dayA magic web with colours gay.She has heard a whisper say,A curse is on her if she stayTo look down to Camelot.She knows not what the curse may be,And so she weaveth steadily,And little other care hath she,The Lady of Shalott.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

I had Monday off then got into work Tuesday morning only for my boss to tell me I'm working the night shift the next two days. So there I was in my work outfit, a green and white polka-dot blouse and black slacks, make-up, faux pearl earrings, leaving the office at 8:15 a.m. What the heck am I going to do until 5:00? I went to the bank to withdraw money, then headed to Barnes and Noble.

I think 9 a.m. on a Tuesday may be the best time ever to go to the bookstore. It's quiet, the workers are there with the big rolling carts of books, making it seem pleasantly more like a library. I got a seat in the cafe! I ordered a green tea with vanilla and coconut, ooh, so soothing. I tried to get into this book but it wasn't happening for me after the first couple of chapters. So I bought this one instead, using the remainder of a gift card. I am just so darn literary, ha ha. Tuesday morning at Barnes and Noble, that will likely not happen again anytime soon.

Monday, September 13, 2010

Sunday, September 12, 2010

It's a constant tug-of-war with me. I wonder if I'm working too much or not enough.

Not enough -- I feel as if I'm not living up to whatever potential I have. I always feel behind at work, no matter what I do. I feel like I could be doing so much more. I've been working on a research project outside of work, and it feels really good. Like my brain is in gear. What other outside work projects could I realize if I made them a priority? But how many hours are there in a day?

Too much -- I'm constantly tired, I feel like I never have time to try something new. I've put my "creative life" on hold, as in the me who used to care about blogging and personal writing in general. The me who used to watch weird foreign films and seek out interesting experiences. I thought about taking a class, just to learn something I don't know about. Who has time for that, though?

So it's Sunday evening and it's nice not to be morphing into work mode about this time. Since I am not going to work tomorrow. I can't remember the last time I sat down to watch "60 Minutes," which until about a year ago was something I enjoyed doing every week. I don't know what changed but I almost never watch it now, though I still like the program in theory. Too much news in my life? Too much thinking about ironing and other worries about tomorrow, or do I just prefer the fictional "Mad Men" to spend the daily hour of TV time that I allow myself? I'm not sure what it is.

Saturday, September 04, 2010

My mom has posted this poem somewhere in every house we've had. I read it again today while I was doing my laundry:

Take TimeTake time to think...It is the source of power.Take time to play...It is the secret of perpetual youth.Take time to read...It is the fountain of wisdom.Take time to pray...It is the greatest power on earth.Take time to love and be loved...It is a God-given privilege.Take time to be friendly...It is the road to happiness.Take time to laugh...It is the music of the soul.Take time to give...It is too short a day to be selfish.Take time to work...It is the price of success.Take time to do charity...It is the key to heaven.

Sometimes I feel like I only take the time for one of those items, that is the second to last one. I'm glad I took the time to read this poem today. Food for thought.

So I just spent $46 at Wal-Mart, which is kind of a lot for me, but for that amount I got the following:- pesto ingredients that are usually expensive -- pinon nuts, parmesan cheese, basil leaves- chicken- six-pack of Miller Lite- a copy of "The Girl Who Played with Fire" ($5.97, wow)- eggs, fruit, turkey lunch meat, etc.

Not a bad deal at Wal-Mart. And it wasn't that crowded considering it was a Saturday morning. I waited in line less than 10 minutes.