Holy Matrimony: Did Jesus Have a Wife?

A researcher at Harvard University has recently discovered a very tattered and very old piece of paper that is not, as it usually turns out to be, a Con-Ed bill from four months ago, but rather a piece of parchment that suggests Jesus had a wife. The evidence: the phrase, “Jesus said to them, ‘My wife. . .’”

The New York Timescautions that “that this fragment should not be taken as proof that Jesus, the historical person, was actually married. The text was probably written centuries after Jesus lived.” However, “it is the first known statement from antiquity that refers to Jesus speaking of a wife.”

What other ancient documents might confirm the theory of Jesus’s marriage? Herewith, a checklist for papyrologists:

A Visa bill that appears to have been clutched in anger?

A birthday card mailed to a great aunt that bears two people’s signatures—Jesus and wife—but was clearly just written by one person who signed for the other and didn’t even try to attempt his or her handwriting.

A Post-It note reminding Jesus to call the pool guy about doing the thing with the filter before the weekend?

Two ticket stubs from a pre-dinner screening of Hope Springs?

The instructions, for some reason never thrown out, from a V.C.R. player owned by Jesus and his wife when they were living together in New York in the 80s?