in case you missed it | Study: Men bad for women

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Study: Men bad for women

A new study conducted by Sven Drefahl of Germany’s Max Planck Institute for Demographic Research shows that men are simply bad for women.

The studied researched women’s and men’s mortality and how it might be affected by marital status. While marriage was shown to increase a man’s life expectancy, particularly if he’s married to a younger woman, the reverse was true for women. Regardless of whether women’s spouses were older or younger, married women had shorter life expectancies.

This might help to explain why 80 percent of divorces are filed by women — and why divorced women are less likely and more hesitant to remarry than divorced men. Clearly, somewhere deep in their DNA women realize that the aggravation of living with a guy who can’t do his own laundry, put down the toilet seat or provide any level of true emotional intimacy is eventually going to kill them.

No, you’re not imagining it — he really is sucking the life out of you.

So for all those spring brides happily choosing flowers and gowns, here’s another thing to add to your list of wedding purchases: a coffin.

U.S. War on Drugs? #FAIL

After 40 years of waging war on the use of certain drugs — not tobacco or alcohol — the War on Some Drugs has cost the United States $1 trillion, in addition to ruining millions of people’s lives. The situation is so transparently awful, that even Gil Kerlikowske, the U.S. drug czar, has conceded failure.

Kerlikowske told President Obama that it’s time for the country to change from prosecution of drug users to drug treatment.

According to the Associated Press, he then held out his hand and asked for another $10 billion for “interdiction and law enforcement,” i.e., prohibition and busting people.

That makes a lot of sense. The War on Some Drugs is a failure and has cost the United States $1 trillion, while enriching drug cartels to the point where they’re as destructive to Mexico as the Taliban is to Afghanistan — but let’s go ahead and waste another $10 billion at a time when the nation is broke.

Does this man not listen to himself?

Or is he proving what so many activists have claimed for so long — that the U.S. law enforcement apparatus is financially addicted to the War on Drugs? You don’t have to be stoned to figure that one out.

If Kerlikowske truly were interested in eliminating drug-related crimes, he’d be fighting to replace marijuana prohibition with fields of locally grown, taxable, cartel-free weed. Instead, he’s holding onto a failed policy designed to create the one thing law enforcement needs to keep their jobs — criminals.

Not that angle

A geometry teacher in Jefferson County — Alabama, not Colorado, thankfully — misfired when he used the assassination of the president as an example in teaching his students about geometric angles.

“He was talking about angles and said, ‘If you’re in this building, you would need to take this angle to shoot the president,’” Joseph Brown, a senior in the geometry class, told The Birmingham News.

Ouch. Poor analogy, to say the least. Anyhoo, the teacher got a visit from the good ol’ Secret Service, who checked him out and cleared him of being any credible threat to the president’s life.

Wonder what he’ll use for an analogy when it comes to the isosceles triangle — leg-spreading?

A boob in Virginia

So we were glad to find out that an element of uptight boob blanketers is not just alive and well in Boulder, but in Virginia!

The attorney general of that state, Ken Cuccinelli, recently had ordered some pins of the Virginia state seal, which features the Roman goddess Virtus (Virtue), one breast bared outside her tunic.

But Cuccinelli apparently found that image shameful, so his pins feature the goddess sporting chest armor, concealing her unsightly funbag.

This conservative kook is also the guy who advised colleges and universities that they don’t have the legal authority to protect gay employees from discrimination.

Which, in turn, prompted Jon Stewart of The Daily Show to mockingly gasp, “You can’t be gay in college?

That’s the whole point of going to college!” Respond: letters@boulderweekly.com