So my girlfriend says I am not romantic enough. Here is a scenario that happened yesterday, fact by fact:

1. She dimmed the lights (although I didn’t notice this at the time). 2. She asked me to rub body lotion on her. 3. I asked if she would mind if I listened to something while I was doing this. 4. She said no, she wouldn’t mind. 5. I turned on NPR’s Marketplace. 6. She was furious and walked out of the room.

She said she thought I was going to put on some music; I intended to listen to the financial news while I rubbed. Was she overreacting?

You’re oblivious, and I love you. You’re like, “My girlfriend was naked and dancing around the room to gangsta rap, do you think she wanted something from me?” Or, “My girlfriend locked the doors, turned off my phone, tied my ankle to the bed, and opened up an economy-sized vat of KY Jelly. Do you think she was hinting at something?”

The poor girl thought you were going to turn on some romantic music, maybe a little Barry White or some Kenny G, and you’re all, “I’m going to see how the NASDAQ finished today!”

The second she asked to you to rub anything anywhere, you should have started noticing things, like the fact that the lights were dimmed, or maybe the fact that she had no top on. You may think it’s silly to have to force romance, especially since you don’t seem to be the type of guy who understands what that means, but you have to do it. If your girl likes massages and dimmed lights and slow dancing and flowers, and you want to be with that girl, then you better pony up and get the job done. Otherwise, she’s going to get sick of asking you for it and go find someone who doesn’t need explicit instructions.