'The Bachelor' recap: Episode 5

Casey and Rachel, not looking entirely qualified to play baseball. (ABC)

Sarah Haller and Chris Kinling

“Who knew that strippers could play baseball?”

Each week, Ben and the ladies travel to a new romantic destination, and each week we take that vacation locale off our honeymoon wish list. This week they travel to Vieques, Puerto Rico. Now we have to renew our passports.

Nicki Not Over Divorce?

Sarah: Nicki (“Divorce”) and Ben head to San Jose (by helicopter of course) and spend the day running in the rain like toddlers. After they realize this was a poor decision, they attempt to buy the most “authentic Puerto Rican” clothes possible but just end up being horribly stereotypical.

Chris: The girls act like Publishers Clearing House winners every time they receive a date card. I hope the next card says, “Let’s dragon-kick an old lady in the throat on the road to love.” During the date, they creep on a stranger’s wedding, and Nicki gets all weepy over her past divorce. I look forward to her dramatic goodbye when Ben eventually breaks her heart.

Hardball with Ben Flajnik

Sarah: These girls need to quit with the squealing. I was in the kitchen during the preview of the baseball scene and I thought it was Steven Tyler singing the National Anthem. Doesn’t every girl learn how to swing a bat by age 5? FOLLOW THROUGH! Lindzi (“Horse Girl”), Courtney (“Model”), Jamie (“Party of Five”), Casey S. (“Jane Fonda”) and Kacie B. (“Baton Twirler”) win the game and score an extended date with Ben at an upgraded cocktail hour on the beach. Ben gave Kacie B. the rose, but he won’t choose her in the end because she has curly hair.

Chris: Blakely (“Vivian Ward”) employs the bare midriff style uniform made popular by many NFL linebackers in the '80s. While the winning Red Team flew out of the stadium on a helicopter, the Blue Team went home on the bus and cried as though they were dateless at junior prom.

Elyse (“Mean Mugger”) Cries Before Date Even Starts

Sarah: Elyse admits to quitting her job and missing her best friend’s wedding to come on “The Bachelor.” Then she mentions that the other girls are annoying. Even though Ben appears to be a super whiner himself, he promptly dumps her after that complaint.

Chris: I like how Ben picked up the rose, complimented her and then sent her “back to the United States.” (AKA the same country they are in right now. Get your geography right, Chris Harrison!) He should have torn up the rose for added effect. I hope missing her best friend’s wedding was worth getting dumped on national television. He made the right decision — she has a face that wouldn’t age well.

Courtney Seduces Ben, Pisses Everyone Off

Sarah: If it’s against the rules to stalk the Bachelor after hours, then shouldn’t Courtney be kicked off like Rozlyn was (Season 14) after she slept with a production staff member? Courtney (“Model”) is a terrible human being, but I hope Ben keeps her till the end for the amazing drama she creates.

Chris: Ben made the right decision to go skinny-dipping with Courtney—it’s not as if he’s actually going to marry any of these girls anyway.

The Rose Ceremony

Sarah: He dropsJennifer (“Andre the Giant”) even though Emily (“Epidemiologist”) has annoyed the crap out of him for the past two episodes. I really liked Jennifer, but she has the worst ugly cry I’ve seen so far.

Chris: Do they play that music during the rose ceremony, or is it added during production?

The Remaining Ladies

Blakely, 34: “Vivian Ward”—how does she feel to be 10 years older than the other contestants?