FC Barcelona's Lionel Messi, unarguably the best soccer player on the face of the Earth, scored two goals within 11 minutes during Wednesday's first-leg UEFA Champions League semifinal match against Real Madrid.

The lone goals of the match came after Real Madrid defender Pepe was red carded for the no-no of a foot-first challenge. That ejection led to a smarmy reaction from Real manager Jose Mourinho. That smarmy reaction brought an additional red card. That additional red card ultimately brought an additional round of whining.

"If I tell UEFA what I really think and feel, my career would end now," he said.

Instead, Mourinho managed to lob what some might consider slanderous accusations and conspiracy theories in any number of directions. He accused Barcelona of fixing the officials for its matches; charged UEFA with conspiring with Barcelona to ensure the Catalans would reach the final; implied that Barcelona Coach Pep Guardiola had yet to win the competition fairly; and declared it "impossible" that Real Madrid would be allowed to reach the final at Wembley.

"I don't know if it is the Unicef sponsorship or if it is because they are nice guys. I don't understand. Congratulations to Barcelona on being a great team and congratulations for all the other stuff you have which must be very hard to achieve. They have power and no one else has chance."