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An Open Letter to the Guy Kicking His Wife Out for Not Having Sex

Dear man of the internet who searched for “Wife won’t have sex so kicking her ass out” and arrived at this website,

I’ve decided to write a direct response to you since I don’t really have a way of knowing which of my article(s) you perused after your search engine of choice brought you here, all my analytics tell me is that this is, in fact, what you typed into the search bar.

I’m not entirely sure what you might’ve been searching for, as this was more of a statement, not a question. But, I can surmise that you are probably a little bit frustrated and are perhaps looking for validation to back up your decision to kick your wife’s ass out of the house because she won’t sleep with you.

The interesting thing about this is that (correct me if I’m wrong) it certainly sounds like this is a conscious choice she’s making. It’s not that she “can’t” sleep with you, or an injury/illness is preventing her from doing so. It’s not that she is traveling and you haven’t gotten your jollies in a little bit.

It’s that she won’t sleep with you. And, that is a much bigger problem for your relationship than the other examples I mentioned, believe it or not.

It’s a bigger problem because this isn’t about sex at all. You might think that it is because, well, we’re dudes – so we focus on the end result. Just like we see a woman look beautiful when we pick her up for a date, you know? But how many of us really stop to consider how much time she put into looking that good for us?

This is pretty much the same thing because you’re focusing on the result, not the reason why that result is occurring. How about what am I doing to make my wife uncomfortable? Why does my wife not feel connected to me? What challenges is she facing unrelated to me, that are crowding her mind?

How can I communicate in order to reignite the intimacy in our relationship?

These, in my personal opinion, may be more productive foundations to start from in order to have this conversation and figure out what the problem might be. Additionally, I also feel that if the sex you’re having is so essential to your relationship that you’re literally considering kicking your wife (not girlfriend, not lover – wife) out of the house because of it, then your marriage may not have been built on the proper footing. You know, things like emotional connection, love, effort, and desire to spend a life together.

Believe it or not, you are not alone. Some variation of “why won’t my wife have sex with me?” is literally the #1 search term that has brought people to my website nearly every. single. day. for the past 4 years. Why am I responding to you directly, you ask? Because I can’t recall another time where I’ve seen someone ready to kick their spouse out over a lack of sex.

Now, in fairness to you, maybe you’ve had countless conversations about frustrations – maybe she is withholding sex from you as a revenge move or perhaps she is just being vindictive towards you. Maybe there is much more to this situation than I can possibly surmise from a short search term.

However, my guess would be that if that were the case, the subject of kicking your wife out wouldn’t be the sex, it would be how she is emotionally abusive and does not contribute value to the relationship. But again, that’s just a guess.

My hope for you, friend, is that your mindset evolves to acknowledge that this is not about the sex, it is about a deeper emotional and intimate connection that, for some reason, has faded in your marriage. My personal belief is that open and honest communication often help to move towards a solution – whether that means staying together, or going your separate ways in life. A solution is not always pretty.

Either way, though, you and your wife have my positive thoughts and my support because I understand you’re going through a difficult time and none of us can judge what goes on behind closed doors.

Just do me one favor, though: Be sure to sit down with her and have a genuine, heartfelt conversation about what the real problem is, before you kick her ass out over not having sex with you.

For me, I’d say that is a good wow. You got your point across without judgement or ridicule. Very gentleman like. You spoke with honestly and sincerity and got to the point of possible causes. Maybe this marriage getting to the breaking point and you writing this article will open dudes eyes to the bigger picture.

This could have been my husband who was searching for something to backup his decision to tell me to get the %$#@ out. This demand of his had been voiced several times over the last year and a half. Usually after he had consumed several cocktails and an unknown number of prescription pain pills. I continued to ignore his outbursts until the beginning of August when he had the final one. In front of my kids (step to him). I broke at that moment. I realized that I had lived with his crazy for far too long. Kids and I packed a bag and left. Fast forward to last week and he says he drank because I didn’t have enough sex with him. I didn’t feel connected to him anymore. I didn’t feel protected or cherished or loved by him anymore. His eyes were on the prize and not on the journey in front of him. The solution he has asked for is a blessing for me and the kids. I didn’t realize how abusive the relationship was until I wasn’t in its grip 24-7. Kids and I are going to counseling together and separately. We will be ok. Thank you for your words of wisdom: have a conversation. Don’t bottle up you feelings or assume the other person knows what is wrong just because you are married. I haven’t met anyone who could read my mind. I don’t even know what goes on in there at times.

This is not a reply – about this post… but rather an observation I’ve been noticing more. Why do men pick women – who are TOTALLY B’chs?

I am related to a few – and have a few others in my orbits…. (that I can’t get rid of). It baffles me – that men pick these attractive women… who are just mean, and rude, and insulting and honestly – abusive to other people.

Great question – I honestly think it really has to do with guys letting their ego get in the way of their choice of partner. Their baseline requirement is that the woman be attractive (don’t shoot the messenger here – but it’s a ‘status symbol’ for a man to be with an attractive woman), so, he often finds himself sacrificing other qualities to achieve this goal.

Men need to start valuing what actually matters in another human being: Depth, substance, class, kindheartedness….

If a guy ends up with someone he thinks is beautiful, and she turns out to be a nightmare, he will overlook some of the other issues for the sake of how the relationship looks from the outside.

Obviously this is an overly-generalized answer to your question and won’t apply to everyone, but it’s the first thing that came to mind when I read it.

I think both men and women want to feel valued and wanted by each other in relationships. Sex is a means of demonstrating that in a mutually respectful relationship.
Society has still held the archaic standard that a “good woman” submits to her man’s sexual requests in marriage. Unfortunately for marriages based on the “male entitlement” model, the outcomes are never mutually satisfying.
It is the women’s responsibility to assert herself too and value and respect herself enough to state her wants and needs and what she will not tolerate.
A woman who has given up communicating and sharing herself verbally in a relationship has probably given up sharing herself emotionally and physically too.