Monique will choo-choo home from Dancing With the Stars

The horror. The horror. Dancers decked out in S&M-wear. Samantha chirping “get those phones coming!” And ballroom and Latin dances geared to — Halloween?

No matter. It worked, with the season’s most fun show, from Joey’s quirky tango to the tune of The Addams Family to Mario’s sassy samba which divided Len and Bruno so bitterly that Tom chimed in, “To all you kids sucking down Halloween candy, that’s what a sugar crash looks like.”

But the real crash was Monique, last week’s bottom-two survivor, who won’t survive this week — not with yet another hoochie-momma outfit, an overrated “complexity” for choreography she couldn’t deliver, and shameless attempts to spin votes via back-stories about visiting AIDS-patient children, not to mention getting choreographer Kenny Ortega to remind us, yet again, that she appeared in High School Musical.

No, as tonight’s results will show, Monique is done, leaving an all-male star semi-final of Emmitt, Joey and Mario next week.

That said, whle her tango was more about campy frightfulness than good dancing, Monique’s cha cha cha may have been her best dance of the season — an energized, amusing spin with strong footwork and potent chemistry (for a change) between her and Louis.

Even so, and even with a generous 29 score from the judges on her cha cha cha, she choo-chooed slowly to the finish with a combined score below the other gents, and the irrelevancy of Miss America-style photo ops with ailing kids won’t be enough to save her.

That leaves us, as Tom pegged them, “the hoofer” (Joey), “the heartthrob” (Mario) and “the legend” (Emmitt) — not a bad field for a cheesy show with a disco ball trophy. But again, the reward lies in the process, and Tuesday’s Halloween romp was a triumph of playful spirits and spooky, ooky trappings. Now let’s see how they step up on a non-foggy dance floor next week.