My Girlfriend Pooped The Bed And Won’t Buy Me New Sheets? A Girl Pointed And Laughed At My Boner?

Q: My girlfriend of a very long time is putting on weight and it is leading me to become less and less physically attracted to her. I love this woman and would never cheat so that’s not gonna happen, but how can I get her to know that she is packing on some extra pounds without hurting her feelings? I workout 4-5 times a week and love the gym and being in shape, and I have already used the “Hey babe, wanna go to the gym with me” attempt but she has an excuse every time. I just want her to know that she is getting bigger without causing a huge fight which I’m sure it will.

A:Dude, if you already tried being nice with asking her to go to the gym with you there’s not much else you can do. She knows that was you hinting at her getting fat, and if you go the passive-aggressive route and start dropping hints like “Wow that shirt looks tighter on you than usual!” you won’t fare any better. Besides, chances are that she already knows she’s been putting on weight. There is no girl in this galaxy who does not notice when she’s put on a pound, and if your girl has put on the 5-10 I’m imagining then she’s definitely aware.

With all that said…you just have to sit her down and say it. She’ll get pissed and probably cry and shit, but it’s called tough love for a reason. You can reassure her that you still love her and all that fluffy jazz, but really you’re just going to have to bite the bullet and tell her upfront. Worst case scenario: she gets mad and stays fat. Best case scenario: she understands where you’re coming from and starts hitting the gym. Considering the worst case scenario for this isn’t even that bad, you shouldn’t be super concerned. Just go in knowing what to expect and wait to see if there’s any fallout.

Q: Sup babe, so I’m having a little debate with my roommate. He believes that I am dating a girl because we have been talking/hooking up for several months and I do not. The girl and I have never had “the talk” but I have gotten signals from her she wants things to progress. I am a very firm believer in the ol’ if it’s not labeled it’s not dating rule. However, I will tell you that if she saw me with another girl she would probably flip, which adds some fuel to my roommates case. What are your thoughts?

A:You’re not dating if there’s no label. End of discussion. If she sees you with another girl and flips that’s her problem, because it’s not fair to you when the two of you aren’t even together technically.

In other words, you’re free to go out and bang whoever you want.

Q: My girlfriend expects me to pay for everything all the time, 24/7. I’m not
made of money. She’s a bit of a spoiled brat but I love her, what do I do?

A: Tell her exactly that: you’re not made of money and can’t afford to buy everything. If she flips out she’s a snob and you should break up with her, since if she can’t love you without your money being attached to your hip then is she really someone worth wasting time on?

Q:So there is this girl I kind of know from high school, she is a few years younger than me but we know who each other are. Now that we are both out of high school I want to ask her out but my only way of contacting her is through Facebook. Is there a way to ask her out over Facebook and not sound creepy?

A: Facebook isn’t creepy, just make sure to strike up a normal conversation before you ask her; don’t go in cold turkey and outta nowhere say “HEY WILL U GO OUT WIT ME PLZ.” That’s weird.

Q:Me and this girl were getting down and dirty, but when she took off my pants and saw my boner she laughed. LAUGHED! And then she left. My confidence is gone, how do I recover???

A: First off, that girl was being a total bitch.

You can either go through a few mental hoops and build yourself up from the inside out, or you can go hookup with a girl who looks like she doesn’t get around much and won’t have jack to say about your maybe-small dick. Best choice outta the two is to just build yourself up, because girls are catty and unpredictable so you never know what you’re gonna get. You know that old saying “It’s not the size of the boat, it’s the motion of the ocean”? Get someone to crochet that for you and then hang it on a wall in your house somewhere. That’s your new life motto.

Q: I was sleeping in bed with my girlfriend the other night and she let out a huge fart. Normally I wouldn’t care, except it was a wet one and she stained my sheets. Neither of us noticed the next morning, but when I went to change them I saw the brown streak of death and it didn’t wash out! I want new sheets because I only have this one set, but I don’t want to pay for them myself since i’m not the one who ruined them. How do I ask my girlfriend to replace my sheets?

A: This is going to sound stupid, but tell her she got her period on your sheets rather than that she sharted all over them. Getting period blood on sheets is less embarrassing than knowing you pooped your pants, and if you go the poop route she might think you’re throwing blame on her since really, who’s more likely to poop themselves: a girl or a dude? Just make sure to be nice about the whole thing and not act like you’re beyond disgusted and you should be alright. Yes both are gross and not exactly desirable, but unless your birthday is coming up she has no reason to randomly buy you a set of new sheets.