Monday, October 1, 2012

Too many thoughts happening all at once, need to get them down on paper.

Fitness:
I've been taking a break the last few weeks to let my body heal up before I hit it hard again. I took an arrow to the knee in August, and last month I had a piece of bone break off inside my foot which has made working out challenging. I get activity where I can, but I miss running a lot, and I don't want to backslide and have to make up for lost time.

Not being able to work out is actually physically frustrating, because I want to meet my new years resolution, and keep losing weight into next year. My diet has changed dramatically, and I've fallen in love with carrots as a snack. This is helping immensely. I'm still eating things that I love, just not as many of them, and I hope to add beer back into my diet sparingly next year granted I'm meeting my goals. Not just any beer though, GOOD beer; small batch craft beers ideally. Maybe start brewing again at some point.

Even with the downtime, I'm still losing weight. I clocked in at 215 yesterday which is pretty fucking fabulous considering everything. I'm hoping not too much of that is muscle loss. Getting back to the gym is going to be disappointing when I can't lift as much, but c'est la vie.

Back on the needle:

Yea.

Playing WoW again, and having a fucking blast.

I came back to Big Crits about a month ago when I knew that I wanted to give raiding another shot. I rerolled a completely new character, and cutting ties with the one I have been playing for 6+ years. If raiding ends up completely garbage, it will be easier to break away with a character I have less inertia with. It's also refreshing to rediscover parts of the game that I had taken for granted with the old. No way in hell I'm going to be farming for old gear though. The vanity part of the game is dumb.

Right now there is lots of energy in the guild, and hopes are high. Tier 14 starts next week, and we are all ready to hit it as hard as we can, going for server firsts and the like. I'm trying to balance this better with the other areas of my life now. It's already taking it's toll on my time getting prepared for the first week of raiding with all the dungeon grinding we have been doing. I'm a little behind with gear compared to other people, but I'm not worried about it.

I'm playing the game on my terms. I'm not going to be dumping more time into the game than I need to in order to meet the standards of the raiding team in terms of gearing up. All the gear I have will end up being replaced in raids and with rep rewards anyways. I've ran about 20 heroic dungeons, but the gear I want just refuses to drop. I'll just make do with what I have. I'm confident in my skill to be an excellent raider, and skill trumps gear any day all day. I have better things to do with my time anyways...

Relationships?
I have a girlfriend. I'm terrified.

This probably deserves a post all by itself, but fuck it. I'm laying out all my fears for the internet to behold.

She lives in Peru. We text everyday, and Skype almost every day. We have been officially dating for about 3-4 months. I feel like she is strong in all the things I am not, and vice versa. She visited last July and we were all over each other. We miss each other a lot, and we are both hoping that she can move to the USA when she finishes school, and we can pursue...whatever this is...

I'm fairly sure that she is in love with me, and I don't reciprocate at the moment. I'm literally a chicken shit and I don't know how to deal with it. I'm this tempest in a teacup right now figuring out if this is what I want. Is this how Erin felt during our relationship?

The questions are simple though.

Do I want to be in a relationship with someone: Yes
Do I want to be in a relationship with Ale: Yes
Do I see myself in the future with someone (kids, marriage, soccer practice yadda yadda): Yes
Do I see a future with Ale: Yes

Am I in love? Simple answer, no. Not the head over heels, infatuation love that people do anything and everything to keep and hold. I've been there, it was nice. Ultimately I got burned the hardest I've ever been in my life, and THAT is what scares me. The horrible fiery crash. Right now my brain can't stop seeing the mangled bodies left after the relationship fails, and my heart is hardened from wanting to be alone. Basically I'm a fucking wreck.

I'm afraid of failure. It's something that has always been with me.

I need more time. I need to turn my brain off. I need to sit on that boxcar at the top of the hill and just let the detritus come.