Thoughts and observations of my life as I am going through mid-life changes. I am a mom dealing with depression, a child with Asperger's, an abusive ex-husband, plus
moving back home with my parents to help take care of them and now my grandmother and both parent's death in just a fourteen month timespan. Simply put my house is full of chaos.
As I start to walk this new path I will leave a trail of stories for you to follow. Thanks for traveling with me.

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Sunday, October 31, 2010

I Am Not The Only Reason

According to him I have started every argument we have had and I am the one at fault or all our problems. When I speak back to him what he says to me he says I am putting words into his mouth. I admit I rephrase it. When he says I start every argument, to me that says he doesn't start any of them. Obviously he thinks he is not at fault for any of our problems. I know I am not perfect. I definitely have started many of our fights, but absolutely not all of them. I try to point out to him that logically I can't start all the fights. He just can't see it.

I get so frustrated and feel defeated. He hardly ever apologizes for being a jerk, because in his mind he has done nothing wrong. When I do get the rare apology, he will point out that he did say he is sorry and that I still am upset so why should he apologize if I still am upset.

My patience has been worn down to almost nothing and with each passing week, month and year I feel like am closer to snapping. I never know when he is going to be irrational.

If you believe him, he never raises his voice or yells. He never starts an argument and he never makes a mess.

He thinks it is okay to hang up on me when he doesn't want to hear what I am saying when we are on the phone. Sometimes he doesn't even have the phone up to his ear when we are talking because he doesn't want to listen to me. He has even told me that if he thinks I am saying something that doesn't interest him that he just tunes me out. Then when I ask him if he heard me he gets upset.

He also gives me no indication to let me know if he heard me. There is no eye contact and not even a nod of acknowledgment. When I ask him to reply or ask if he heard me (remember he says he tunes me out) he raises his voice (because he NEVER yells). I can look right at him and see that his mouth doesn't move, there is no sound and his head doesn't move. He then will swear he answered me out loud or nodded his head to answer.

I guess I just wanted to vent tonight. We had an argument earlier and he again told me that I am always to the one to start the fights, but when I said he wasn't perfect he replied that he didn't say that. Well that is how I interpret it when he says he never starts to arguments or yells.

I just have to remind myself that I am not the only one at fault in this marriage. I am not perfect, I know I can be difficult to live with, but I am not the only reason this marriage is failing. However I do believe I was the only one trying to save it.

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About Me

I am a Mommy. All my life that is what I wanted to be. I also am an elementary school teacher. At the moment I am a substitute teacher. I may not have my own classroom but I care about every one of my students like I would if I was their regular teacher.
I recently left my husband. What started as a great marriage fell apart over the years into an emotional abusive relationship from him to me. The more independent I got the meaner he got.
Finally among a family crisis he decided to leave the country to go to a sporting event. I had an opportunity to leave and I took it.
So starts another new beginning for me.