Speidi

While we’re not exactly foaming at the mouth to help these goons achieve their pursuit of 15 more minutes of fame, we are loo-ooo-ooving the craziness Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are coming up with to try to be relevant. Like their claims that they spent $10 million dollars believing the Mayan Apocalypse was drawing near, for example. “We made and spent at least 10 million dollars,” Spencer allegedly told OK! Magazine. “The thing is, we heard that the planet was going to end in 2012. We thought, we have got to spend this money before the asteroid hits.” Of course, Speidi’s End Times shopping spree story is probably slightly less humiliating than the actual story, which is probably that they spent it for no reason. They just dumb. No cataclysmic world catastrophe needed!

Of course, asteroid panic isn’t the only bizarre thing these two claim to be up to. As you might recall, earlier in January Pratt claimed that someone had “stolen” his phone and threatened to leak “intimate photos” of Montag. Haha, okay. Sure, guys! Fortunately that did not happen, perhaps because we already saw a number of Heidi “intimate photos” in Playboy…three years ago. “Here’s some advice, definitely do not spend your money thinking asteroids are coming. But the world didn’t end,” Pratt sighed to OK! “I would give my friends $15,000 for their birthday. Just cash. I would buy people cars. Every valet I met got a couple of hundred pounds tip. I would pay people $200 just to open doors for us.” On the other hand, if Speidi actually did spend all their cash in some kind of End of the World frenzy, that would explain why they are trying to force us to care again. Haha, sorry guys! The gig is up! We will always love and cherish Heidi’s “Body Language,” and this is it as far as you two are concerned.

Oh, that hindsight! It sure is 20/20, as former Hills stars Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are finding out. After all the drama, posed paparazzi pics, fake appendages and Hermes bags, the batty blonds are now broke, unemployed and living with Spencer’s parents in Santa Barbara. They are also surprisingly candid and frank about the mess their antics have landed them in, antics that at one time made them some of the most famous — and loathed — people in America.

In an interview with The Daily Beast, Speidi (ugh, remember how we all bought into that?) spoke words of caution for Snooki and the Snookis of tomorrow. Says Pratt, “What we learned is: You can be too famous.” Other fascinating revelations from the pair:

Their divorce was completely fake (duh.) “We’ve never even been apart,” says Heidi.

They blew all their money on keeping up appearances. Heidi’s music, uh, career, cost them $2 million when all was said and done. “Everything we were doing, we were buying props,” says Spencer. “I bought a big blue monster truck just to drive it on The Hills for an episode. Never drove it again.”

Heidi admits she foolishly thought she could build the same personal brand as Kim Kardashian. She says, “I thought I had that potential. My ego got too big. To think I could be someone like that when I was the most hated girl ever.”

They claim they were mistreated by The Hills production team. Heidi: “I would film with Spencer and then I would film with Audrina. She would get treated like Meryl Streep and we would get treated like the trash.”

Heidi regrets all her plastic surgery (Gurl, you were so pretty before!) and has completely cut herself off from her family.

When you don’t have to listening to his gravely dude-brah voice, Spencer comes across as particularly astute. For example, this quote: “This isn’t a business. That was the big thing I didn’t get: Reality TV is not a career. Anyone who says, ‘Oh, you can have a career in reality’—that is a lie.”

Heidi is currently on VH1′s Famous Foods (apparently she is still attempting the whole ‘career in reality’ thing) while Spencer sits at home with his crystal collection. The entire interview is worth a read — especially if you aspire to be the next big star of Pawn Shoppin’ For Love: All-Stars.

Just because Heidi Montag blew millions on her singing career doesn’t mean she’s going to let a little thing like constant failure stop her dreams. “I spent $2 million on my music career, and it didn’t happen for me, and now I have this opportunity,” Heidi explained to RadarOnline. First off, Spencer Pratt teams up with Waka Flocka Flame, who despite all appearances is an actual successful recording artist. As of that wasn’t bizarre enough, Heidi brags that she’ll be working with Eric Nolan Grant, a jazz singer formerly of The O’Jays and a Rock and Roll Hall Of Fame Inductee. The man sang “Love Train” and this is what he’s reduced to!

As for Flocka Flame himself, he’s besties with Gucci Mane, and has collaborated with Lil’ Jon, Wiz Khalifa and a host of other real talent, so we can’t imagine his services come cheap. Or maybe he’s just brushing up for his reality show with Gucci Mane? “Spencer is going into the studio with Waka Flocka Flame, and I requested that his mother Deb Antney meet with me and manage me, because she is just fabulous,” Heidi gushed. We hope that new Maybach was worth the hours of hyena cackles you’re going to have to put up with now, Ms. Antney. “I want to make my own niche in the music world, that’s just Heidi,” Montag fantasizes. “It could be a Pink meets Britney Spears.” Hmm, two artist most popular in 2002 who never really moved on to anything more musically complex? Seems just about right for our girl.

Heidi Montag has opened up to Life & Style magazine to discuss the ten plastic surgeries she underwent last year. Seems Heidi has discovered what the rest of us knew all along: all that surgery was a terrible idea. Franken-Heidi still has serious scarring and says “Parts of my body definitely look worse than they did pre-surgery. This is not what I signed up for.” The magazine says that she still has several physical blemishes as a result of the surgeries, including “a 2-inch-long blemish under her chin from her chin reduction, two caterpillar-size bald spots along her hairline from a brow lift, a horrifying jagged line behind her ears from having her ears pinned back. . . and deep scars around her nipples from a second boob job.” That sounds awful. But still more pleasant that living with Spencer Pratt. Just sayin’.

Knowing what she knows now about the end result, Heidi regrets what she’s done, saying “People have fewer scars from accidents than I have on my body. I wish I could jump into a time machine and take it all back.” If we were manning the controls of that time machine, we’d go back even further so we could intervene during her meeting with Spencer. Can you imagine a world without Speidi? It would be like the new version of It’s A Wonderful Life, except that things would be so much better without them together.

So, this is happening. Spencer Pratt, now beardless, and Heidi Montag 2.0 are very obviously back together, confirming rumors that their divorce was a sham. Their sanity, however, still remains in question. The pair posed for the most bizarre, crazy-town photo shoot today, most likely for the sole purpose of getting under our skin. Let’s also hope they were also house-hunting, it looks like there are plenty of rocks for them to crawl under on that beach.