Going to Work While Stoned

Going to work while stoned is something most of us need in our daily lives. It is the medicine that carries us through the weeks, sort of like drinking. But what’s different about getting high (instead of being drunk) and being at the job, is that it’s much easier to hide. The only thing that you’ll have to conceal is your shit-eating grin.

And that’s no problem.

Who doesn’t love and enjoy somebody who is always happy? Always smiling, and eating and pointing out the beautiful scenery.

The trick is to keep your work habits the same. That’s important. Don’t be too obvious about your altered mental state. Just go with whatever’s going on.

Be friendly. Keep the focus off of yourself. Steer the subject of your conversations, if you can, and make it about those around you. And for Christ’s sake, avoid anybody that would possibly call you out.

Tell them they are wrong. Deny. Deny. Deny.

Then ask to be excused. Or just blow right by them. (Or internally decide to move to Colorado.) Anybody that tries to accuse you of being a hippie stoner is just jealous. They have to do their job, while sober.

And for those crazed souls who are thinking of attempting to go to work on anything stronger, for instance: hallucinogens, opiates, steroids, etc. … it might be a smart idea just to stay at home. This was the best advice I’d received from a high school teacher, when he told me that I shouldn’t be cutting school.

“If you’re going to cut school, then you might as well just stay at home.”

Indeed.

And now we move on to the coke-heads…

From my experience, there isn’t much that can be said to these empty souls. You know things are pretty bad when you need an eight-ball a week just to keep up with your never-ending schedule. But this should let you know that maybe your soul is being crushed, and that you should do something about it.

Which is why god invented good cocaine.

As previously mentioned, I was harking on the beer-drinkers. This would be all too hypocritical. (But that’s just what it means to be a “writer.”) However, it’s all too simple to be drinking when you’re on the job. This is especially true, if you are employed at a bar. And if you happen to be the bartender -- forget it.

Once you get used to being stoned while serving people food and drinks, there is hardly any turning back. Shots will come your way: take them. It all evens out. You give the people their beers. They tip you. A free shot comes out of nowhere? Cheers!

And let’s pretend that something marvelous has happened … say you stumble into a job where they keep most of their beer in the walk-in fridge. Amazing! Now you have a place to suck back your medicine without any peering eyes to distract your bleeding conscience. It’s a perfect paradise, when you can get throw ‘em back and get paid for it.

But here we are discussing how to hide your faults and flaws and vices -- being high, stoned and fucked up on the job. No one has to know. Unless you tell them.

And that’s entirely up to you.

For the pill-freaks; it might be a good thing to make a few acquaintances with those who know the right people. Sometimes this doesn’t happen so easily. You get sort of nervous about asking your co-workers if they’re into taking drugs. It isn’t so easy to spot those who are too good to be open about their desire to leave their bodies for awhile.

But then again, there are those who just don’t give a fuck about any of that. They do what they want, when they want to. And those are the kinds of people who probably aren’t reading an article such as this.

However, we aren’t concerned with those uninhibited users. And neither about any morals for which keep us so out of tune with being a “freak.” This is a topic for the questioning minds who aren’t so sure if going to work while under the influence (WUI) is such a good idea.

The only good idea is to not be such a tight-ass. This world is full of people. And a lot of them are using drugs and intoxicants, in order to keep themselves operating at full capacity. Otherwise they might not be able to “make it.”

As the choir sings in the background, I slip a pill into my mouth. And all the voices just slide away.