UnNews:Iran Cures AIDS

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Due to the high concentration of AIDS in Iran, which is not related to nuclear enterprises as benevolent Mahmoud Ahmadinejad hastens to inform us, those smart Iranians have been forced to make a cure for it, which they produced after seven years of arduous work. At gunpoint. Please send food. They have whips. Please, don't! Yes, master. Forget I said that.

This announcement comes amidst the coming declaration of achievements of the great country of Iran (praise... umm... well, anything really) so the almighty Mahmoud Ahmadinejad could talk about it with all his world-leader friends. Maybe they'll listen this time.

This cure for AIDS seems to involve a magical kind of uranium available only from Iran. Continued exposure to this uranium whilst having liberal amounts of herbs sprinkled on you seems to cure AIDS for no reason whatsoever, provided the patient survives. It's a gift from God. Or Allah. Or Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. I can never tell. "The drug named 'IMOD' is completely effective and safe with no proven side effects," claimed Iran's Minister of Health Kamran Bagheri Lankarani. Death, mutation (including into 50-foot reptiles (that is, fifty-foot tall reptiles, not reptiles with fifty feet, though that would be quite remarkable)) and AIDS do not count as side effects in the eyes of the benevolent president.

Other amazing feats of achievement and advancement include an "inalienable right to access and use nuclear technology". That's right, folks. We can't alienate Iran's right to access and use nuclear technology any more. Looks like some of those amateur Iran's nuclear right alienation clubs will have to be shut down, which is terrible. Action against this has yet to be announced by anybody, because they don't care, and those Iranians are probably just lying anyway.