“We all decided to a woman that we wanted to show America that women could work together, not be catty, and accomplish that goal.” —Star Jones on episode 1 of The Celebrity Apprentice

Star Jones, you are truly an inspiration. Women all over the country no doubt overlooked your petty squabbles with Lisa Rinna and Dionne Warwick last week, confident in the fact that your humble, forgiving, and compassionate nature would lead the women of Celebrity Apprentice to not only a victory in the task this week, but also a victory of the human spirit. Yes, women can work well together without turning on each other. It can be done! This is not “I am woman (or lion) hear me roar,” but rather “I am woman, watch me not undermine my female coworker in a desperate bid for power and camera time.” Lead the way, Star Jones! Lead the way! And lead the way straight into my list of the Five Celebrity Apprentice Absurdities of the Week.

1. Women on The Celebrity Apprentice acting exactly like women on The Celebrity Apprentice
I don’t know what it is about this show, but man do the claws come out. Remember the “whore pit vipers” of season 2, one of the most excellent scenes in reality TV history? But surely that wouldn’t happen this year, especially after Star Jones gave us such assurances how well they would all work together. HA! This week the train wrecked before it even left the station, as the women forced Lisa Rinna to be Project Manager against her will. “We chose Lisa because we knew she wouldn’t be able to handle it,” revealed NeNe. Let’s hear it for girl power, everybody! The sisters are doing it for themselves! Only in this case, all they’re doing is sabotaging one another. What is this, throwing a challenge like on Survivor?

From beginning to end, everybody on the women’s team seemed to be arguing with everybody else, except Hope Dworaczyk, although that may be due to the fact that I am not yet convinced she actually knows how to speak. La Toya was worried that the team appeared “discombobulated,” and yes, I was as shocked as you were that she not only knew such a big word, but even went so far as to use it correctly. “Lisa truly did not know what she was doing,” opined La Toya, and you know it’s bad when La Toya Jackson is criticizing your ability to function properly.

And then Dionne and Marlee started going at it. Marlee kept trying to make the children’s book they were tasked with creating be about deafness, but Dionne wasn’t having it. She thought that made the story sad and that little kids were “not ready for that kind of diversity.” Yeah, diversity sucks! You tell her, Dionne! Naturally, Marlee took offense at this. “Marlee was ready to attack,” NeNe noted. “She was like, ‘I’m about to lose it right now.’ It was like, ‘Girl, I will take out my ear plugs and we need to fight.’” Now, I know what you’re thinking: Why the hell would a deaf person be wearing ear plugs? I have no idea, but like Bluto and the Germans bombing Pearl Harbor in Animal House, when someone’s on a roll, you don’t pause for mere technicalities. Facts schmacts!