musings of a counselor

Interview: Part 6

Can you share your thoughts on delaying sex until women get to really know a man? Some experts I have talked to especially warn against having sex on the first date because it creates a sense of pseudo-intimacy that prevents women from seeing things objectively. For women who are interested in having a long term committed relationship, would you recommend that they delay having sex until they get to know the man and have him commit to exclusivity?

I cannot emphasize holding off on sex enough. As much as we would like to be able to disconnect from our emotions and engage in a good romp, we really can’t do it the way we would like especially if we desire a long term relationship. Our bodies won’t let us. We release a hormone called Oxytocin when we orgasm and that hormone is responsible for attachment. Oxytocin will give you the feeling that there is something more there than is actually there—circling back to the pseudo-intimacy. It’s like an illusion. You are allowing a man to engage in something very intimate with you and unless you are in a committed relationship he has nothing to lose.

Take the time to get to know him and feel safe in the relationship with him before the physical commitment comes. You will probably find the longer you wait, the less likely you are to start flying off the radar on him because you are secure in the relationship because of the foundation not being based on lust.

If all you take from this is “Don’t do it. Don’t do it. Don’t do it” then that’s all you need to remember. Don’t do it. Be patient.