Victoria’s Insecurities & More

where there’s a wills

“For a star William did not invite me back to Bovvy,” says Lisa Agar, 19, the girl who danced with him in a Bournemouth club. “It was one of his friends called Rufus, a lieutenant,” she tells us. Or lewd-tenant, as the tabloids might put it. Tabloids that heard of Wills and Lisa and produced headlines like “WILLIAM CHATS UP A BLONDE” (Express) and “COME BACK TO MY PALACE" (Mirror). Says Lisa to the local Bournemouth paper: “He never asked me anything of the sort. I did go back with one of his Army pals called Rufus for a couple of drinks and then I went home, but that had nothing to do with William.” And even if William had asked her to come back to barracks at Bovington Army training camp, she wouldn’t have known who he was. She “doesn’t really follow the royals.” And “he was telling everyone that his name was Danny and he was from London and often gets mistaken for William.” Must be the teeth...

a big jesse

Look on, dear reader, as the celebrity makes his way from the city of self-destruction to the celestial city of stars that we call Rehab. “What shall I do?” he asks. Nadine, Jesse Metcalfe’s lover, looks to the Good Book and tells us: “I blame myself for Jesse going into rehab.” The Irish singer is amazed that the “idyllic relationship” she enjoyed with Jesse has been “shattered.” Never once in the course of their many romantic photo shoots together did Jesse turn to his beloved and say that he was troubled because of a burden that lieth hard upon him. Jesse is being treated for an alcohol problem. And it was something that neither Nadine nor her father Niall spotted. Says Niall: “We saw Jesse regularly when we were in the U.S. and we often thought he drank less than us.” Well, what passes for alcohol issues in the U.S. of A may be the norm in binge-drinking Blighty...

arnold schwarzenegger turns blue

Arnold Schwarzenegger is to address this year's Tory party conference. Arnie, governor of California, will tell the Blues how a breed of superior robots will kill us all. And talk on climate change. Tory leader David Cameron tells us: "As governor, he has shown tremendous leadership. It's great he's coming to our party conference. I look forward to welcoming him." We can't wait. Ever since the Tory party invited Kenny Everett to speak and were cheered on by the comic's pledge "Let's Bomb Russia!" we've been waiting for an encore.

Catch up on more gossip from the other side of the pond at Anorak.co.uk.