Top 10 Things Not to Do On the Internet When Drunk

Coming home drunk and then go online can bring you lots of fun, but also lots of problems second day.

This is our top 10 list of things you should avoid doing on Internet if you are drunk.

1. Respond to anything work-related

No matter how capable you think you are, just don’t do it. Any mistake will be instantly explained by the 4am reply time. Besides, alcohol breeds carelessness, and ending an email to an attractive co-worker with a pun on how she’s good at “every job there is” with a winky-face is definitely not a good idea.

2. Chat with family members

Just because your weird step-uncle Dale just got off work from the recycling plant does not mean that it’s the perfect time to organize that trip to insect museum he’s always been bugging you about. This will come back to haunt you in the form of a doorbell ring at 6am the following Sunday.

3. Change your password

Of all the things to forget about the previous night, the fact that your email’s new password is “burgerkingroxxx” is one of the most costly.

4. Use your credit card

No, don’t order that Viking helmet off of eBay that would be perfect for that Kegger on Thursday and no, you don’t need to sign up to three more porno sites.

5. Describe your level of intoxication in a status update

Look, everybody out that saw how drunk you are. Everyone online going to see how drunk you were when you’re tagged the next morning in a sequence of photos illustrating your attempt to chug a mixture of vodka and apple sauce. Nobody needs to be reminded via an intentionally misspelled status update.

6. Email an ex

It’s like texting, except you can fit a hell of a lot more in. While a text message limits you to a simple “want 2 see u” an email can easily turn into a seemingly appropriate compliment that “ur way better at kissing than ur sister.”

7. Forward a funny email

People haven’t done this since 2001, and no matter how much you believe you won’t get kissed for two years if you don’t pass it along, please try and refrain.

8. Film a YouTube response video

I don’t know what sorts of assholes are making all of these YouTube response videos, but I’m assuming most of them must be plastered, so everyone cut it out: nobody cares.

9. Download p0rn

I know it’s hard to find the Kim Kardashian sextape but just pay for it when you’re sober if you’re so desperate, because you’re going to get a bunch of Trojans if you drunkenly download anything p0rn-related. They invented streaming for a reason.

10. Read the news

This isn’t a good time to catch up on the latest on the Obama administration, and you’re going to forget all of it anyway. You may as well just turn on some Dave Chapelle stand-up and enjoy yourself while you’re still conscious.