Fatwa No : 120291

How to deal with an abusive father

Fatwa Date : Rabee' Al-Aakhir 18, 1430 / 14-4-2009

Question

My Question is, that in Islam it says that we should respect our parents. but i have been trying to find answers for ages now as to what a person should do to the "father" who abused her, you cant even bare to look at your father after what they have done to you. yet you are meant to respect them and after reading one of the other question that someone put forward, that you should respect you family. i dont even understant. because i am going out of my mind thinking how you are meant to respect that person who is meant to be your protector...and also you tell your brother who ignores what you say, what are you meant to do with that. every day i think about dying because i dont know what else to do..... i hope you can help

Answer

All perfect praise be to Allaah, The Lord of the Worlds. I testify that there is none worthy of worship except Allaah, and that Muhammad is His slave and Messenger.

First of all, we ask Allaah to make a way out to your difficulty and enlighten your heart with guidance.

If your father had abused you then this is an injustice, and indeed an injustice from the relatives is of a greater pain on a person, especially if this abuse is in regard to one’s honour and dignity. As you mentioned in the question, a relative should be a protector and not an abuser. However, we advise you to take it easy and not hurt yourself even more.

As regards thinking about death –if by this you mean wishing death –then this is religiously disliked. Anas narrated that the Prophet said: "One should not wish death due to a calamity that has befallen him, and if he feels an urgent need to wish death, then he should say: "O Allaah! Let me live as long as life is better for me, and take my life if death isbetter for me." [Al-Bukhaari and Muslim] However, if by thinking about death you mean committing suicide, then this is a great major sin and it is not a solution; rather, this is making the problem even more complex. A threat of a severe punishment in Hellfire is reported in the Sunnah for whoever commits suicide; for more benefit, please refer to Fataawa 84296 and 83018.

Therefore, we advise you to be patient because patience is the best cure and it has benefits in this world and in the Hereafter as we clarified in Fatwa 83577.

Furthermore, you should know that a Muslim male and female should act according to his religion; Allaah Says (what means): {It is not for a believing man or a believing woman, when Allaah and His Messenger have decided a matter, that they should [thereafter] have any choice about their affair.}[Quran 33:36]

If we look to the religious texts, we will find out that Allaah clarified that it is an obligation to obey the parents even if they mistreat their children, and try to afflict them in their religion; Allaah Says (what means): {But if they endeavour to make you associate with Me that of which you have no knowledge, do not obey them but accompany them in [this] world with appropriate kindness.}[Quran 31:15] This is a very clear text from Allaah and we have just to say ‘we hear and we obey’ even if this contradicts our opinion and desires. In addition to this, the parents are a reason for the existence of children and they worked hard to nurture them when they were young, so is there any reward for good other than good?

Finally, it should be noted that if a girl notices that the conduct of one of her unmarriageable male relatives is suspicious, then she should treat him as a non-Mahram man, in which case she should wear Hijaab in front of him and she should not allow him to be in seclusion with her unless he repents to Allaah and the signs of righteousness become apparent on him and that the reasons of suspicion disappear.