President Obama’s second term is off to a rocky start, with the acting IRS chief stepping down, the Justice Department seizing journalists’ phone records, and Republicans continuing to allege a high-level cover-up of the Benghazi attack last September. What do you think?

WASHINGTON—Saying that those were definitely some good times, a reflective President Obama told reporters Friday that the current scandals plaguing his administration have made him long for the deeply frustrating, often maddening political climate of his first term in office.

BROOKLYN, NY—Running his hands through his freshly showered hair while hanging his backpack on the back of his chair, unbearably chipper little motherfucker Dave Mooreland, 31, enthusiastically greeted coworkers this morning after arriving straight from the gym, sources at Alperin and Associates marketing agency…

CLEVELAND—Claiming they want to impose their will against the competition, Cleveland Browns head coach Rob Chudzinski announced Friday that the team is gearing up to aggressively punt the ball down opponents’ throats this season. “We just signed T.J. Conley, who is an electrifying power punter, so you’re going to see…

HARRISBURG, PA—Speculating that the rest of her day will now definitely take a turn for the worse, local mother Nicole Mendlow confirmed Friday that an incoming call she is currently receiving from her 4-year-old son’s daycare center can’t possibly be good. “Well, this is going to be rough,” Mendlow said while staring…

With Sergio Garcia plummeting from first place to a seven-way tie for eighth at the Players Championship last weekend, Onion Sports examines some of the worst chokes in the history of athletic competition.

WASHINGTON—While stressing that he has no plans to mount such an insurrection, Joint Chiefs of Staff chairman Martin Dempsey told reporters Friday that if he really wanted to, he could probably carry out a sweeping military junta that would oust President Obama from power. “I’m just saying, there are seven joint…

PALATINE, IL—During a tennis tournament hosted by Fremd High School, spectators, coaches, and fellow competitors agreed Thursday that the massive gulf in skill levels between top-ranked Anthony Pagano and bottom-seeded Tyson Vandervennet was the most amusing thing they had ever seen on a tennis court. “Anthony is like…

According to new research, pot smokers have smaller waist circumferences and have higher levels of “good” HDL cholesterol than those who do not use marijuana, even after controlling for other factors such as age, sex, and level of physical activity. What do you think?

This week, President Barack Obama and his administration have come under fire from political opponents seeking an explanation for the White House’s alleged complicity in a series of widely publicized scandals. Inquiries regarding the administration’s role in a cover-up of the Benghazi attack, the Justice Department’s…

Government mismanagement has left toilet paper in short supply in Venezuela, causing long lines to form throughout the country to purchase the rapidly dwindling item, and prompting lawmakers to call for the immediate importation of 50 million rolls. What do you think?