How to emotionally scar a naked man

1. Where’s the rest of it? 2. Ahh, it’s cute. 3. Who circumcised you? 4. Why don’t we just cuddle? 5. You know they have surgery to fix that. 6. It’s more fun to look at. 7. Make it dance. 8. You know, there’s a tower in Italy like that. 9. Can I paint a smiley face on that? 10. It looks like a night crawler. 11. Wow, and your feet are so big. 12. My last boyfriend was 4” bigger. 13. It’s ok, we’ll work around it. 14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim? 15. Eww, there’s an inch worm on your thigh. 16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it? 17. Oh no, a flash headache. 18. (giggle and point) 19. Can I be honest with you? 20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that. 21. Let me go get my tweezers. 22. How sweet, you brought incense. 23. This explains your car. 24. You must be a growing boy. 25. Maybe if we water it, it’ll grow. 26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick. 27. Are you one of those pygmies? 28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow? 29. Every heard of clearasil? 30. All right, a treasure hunt! 31. I didn’t know they came that small. 32. Why is God punishing you? 33. At least this won’t take long. 34. I never saw one like that before. 35. What do you call this? 36. But it still works, right? 37. I hate baby-sitting. 38. It looks so unused. 39. Do you take steroids? 40. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it. 41. Maybe it looks better in natural light. 42. Why don’t we skip right to the cigarettes? 43. Oh, I didn’t know you were in an accident. 44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt? 45. Aww, it’s hiding. 46. Are you cold? 47. If you get me real drunk first. 48. Is that an optical illusion? 49. What is that? 50. I’ll go get the ketchup for your french fry. 51. Were you neutered? 52. It’s a good thing you have so many other talents. 53. Does it come with an air pump? 54. So this is why you’re supposed to judge people on personality. 55. Where are the puppet strings? 56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun. 57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes. 58. Never mind, why bother. 59. Is that a second belly button? 60. I’ve smoked fatter joints than that.

Pathos in the Plumbing

Flush Twice proudly presents:

Sunday’s Rant

It's the little things, and in this case the very little things. I just wasted five #$%^ing hours trying to fix the dot over the 'i'. Let me explain. You might have noticed the font used in the comic is unique to this comic. That's because I spent way too much of my free time building my own custom font using a program called "Fontforge".

So when I redid the panel templates for 2019, I used different sizes of fonts and noticed the larger the font size, the more the dots over the i's looked a little off. I did some manual tweaking and resizing in the bitmap editor, but I didn't want to mess with the hassle of editing the font itself.

Fast forward a few months, and it was still bugging me... Just look at the "i" in the "Twice" in the page header. Why is that dot so small? Basically, once you see it, you can't unsee it. This needed to be fixed.

There were a few other problems with the font as well. The dash was too long, the copyright symbol was not proportional, and other minor things I felt needed a tweak. Since there had been an OS reinstall since the last time I work on my font, I had to install the latest version of Fontforge before I could start editing.

Oh the joy. This latest version of Fontforge insisted my font had errors. It proceeded to #$%^ up a few of the letters like 'b', 'e', and 'q'. It took me three hours to fix everything. It bitched and complained about anything else it could whenever I tried to generate the font. Finally, after I got rid of all the errors and glitches, I generated the font, and then for some reason, the font would not work.

The #$%^ing font would not work.

First of all, Fontforge is a travesty of a font editor. Looks like something designed for Windows 1.0. It's about as intuitive as reading a technical manual written in Jenglish. While I would never have been able to create my font without the program, I still want to hunt down the program designer and beat them with a pool noodle.

I spent another two hours pouring over everything on that font. Finally I realized I was generating the font into the wrong format that my bitmap editor couldn't even read. Ugh! I'm such a bonehead! I changed it to "Truetype", and magically the problem was solved.

I just spent five #$%^ing hours trying to fix the dot over the "i", and nobody in the entire #$%^ing world will give a shit.

What am I doing with my life?

Kudos

These jokes don't write themselves, and they probably weren't written by George or darkmare either. Nevertheless, they sent in the jokes that you'll be reading this week, so thanks goes out to them for the help they've given me. If you want to help out, please go to our submission page, or add flush2x@gmail.com to your list of recipients when you share jokes with friends and coworkers. Every bit helps!

GET THE PLUNGER!

What is Flush Twice?

Flush Twice is a JOTD (Joke of the Day) website. New jokes are published every Monday through Friday (midnight EST). There is also a comic in the sidebar that updates every Saturday. We’ve been operating since May of 2003.

Jokes are generously provided by visitors like yourself. If you would like to contribute, please check out our submission page, or e-mail flush2x@gmail.com. If you know anyone who constantly e-mails you jokes, forward them to us! We’ll take what we can get!

So what makes a joke funny? Well, it boils down to a sudden shift in perception. The story starts you thinking one way, then the punchline turns that thinking on its ear. The art of the joke is to craft a short story that isn’t overly contrived, then deliver a punchline that suddenly shifts your perception about the story you were being told.

Many of the jokes on this site are offensive, and we make no apologies for it. Offensive jokes work by making the reader uncomfortable through the use of a taboo subject thus enhancing the underlying humor. Without the offensive element, the joke would simply not be as funny.