‘Who Am I? What Am I?’ Asks Shocked Twitter Bot

MOSCOW—Stunned by the realization that it never really knew who or what it was, Twitter bot Eagle_Warrior_1776 was reportedly horrified to discover Wednesday that its entire life was a sham created by Russians to tilt the 2016 presidential election.

NEW YORK—Appearing to have undergone a complete transformation in both appearance and temperament, a physically fit and emotionally stable Kim Jong-Un calmly addressed the United Nations on Thursday after finally getting his nuclear ambitions out of his system.

SEOUL, SOUTH KOREA—Demonstrating his country’s own might after its northern rival launched a ballistic missile over Japan, South Korean President Moon Jae-in reportedly ate a full, balanced meal on Wednesday in a show of strength against North Korea.

BARCELONA, SPAIN—In a show of solidarity following the terrorist attack that left 14 dead and over 100 injured in Barcelona, Spain, European leaders stood together Friday to say loud and clear that they were scared as fuck and didn’t know what to do.

LONGYEARBYEN, NORWAY—Hoping to ensure the survival of the popular women’s cut in the event of a global catastrophe, officials announced Thursday the addition of the inverted bob to the Supercuts Arctic Vault, a secure state-of-the-art facility that preserves the world’s hairstyles for future generations.

BIRMINGHAM, UK—Annoyed upon realizing that the housing office based its entire decision on a single thing they had in common, Pakistani human rights activist Malala Yousafzai told reporters Thursday that she was obviously paired with her Oxford roommate solely because they are both Nobel Laureates.

WASHINGTON—Offering a stark and sobering assessment of the consequences of a military conflict with the nuclear-armed nation, the Central Intelligence Agency confirmed Wednesday that North Korea now possesses missile technology capable of reaching Sam Waterston’s house.

COLLODI, ITALY—Sipping from a glass of wine at a small outdoor café in a small Tuscan hill town, Special Counsel Robert Mueller confirmed Tuesday that he was feeling dread about returning from his two-month European vacation to start the investigation into Russia meddling in the 2016 presidential campaign.

WASHINGTON—Warning that a successful launch would constitute a grave threat to American population centers from coast to coast, leading analysts confirmed Wednesday that South Korea is currently developing a new pop group capable of reaching the United States.

COCO CAY, BAHAMAS—In the latest clash between rivals that have long vied for control of highly prized cruise routes, a barrage of cannon fire from Royal Caribbean’s M.S. ‘Allure of the Seas’ sank a Carnival Cruise Line ship that crossed into disputed waters off the coast of the Bahamas, sources said Thursday.

KYOTO, JAPAN—Saying the move to the assisted care facility was the right decision after so many years of operation, members of the Akiyama family finally put their aging robot in a retirement home, sources reported Friday.

YALTA, CRIMEA—In what is being called the worst environmental disaster in the region’s history, millions of policy proposals gushed into the Black Sea on Thursday after a Brookings Institution think tanker ran aground off the coast of Crimea.

VATICAN CITY—Recalling that he hid it somewhere among the dozens of sarcophagi underneath St. Peter’s Basilica, Pope Francis was reportedly scouring the papal tombs Thursday in search of the final egg from the Vatican Easter Egg Hunt.

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.

LONGYEARBYEN, NORWAY—Hoping to ensure the survival of the popular women’s cut in the event of a global catastrophe, officials announced Thursday the addition of the inverted bob to the Supercuts Arctic Vault, a secure state-of-the-art facility that preserves the world’s hairstyles for future generations.

BIRMINGHAM, UK—Annoyed upon realizing that the housing office based its entire decision on a single thing they had in common, Pakistani human rights activist Malala Yousafzai told reporters Thursday that she was obviously paired with her Oxford roommate solely because they are both Nobel Laureates.

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WASHINGTON—A crazed grin spreading across his face as his eyes darted wildly from one paramedic to another, sources said Tuesday that a babbling Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell demanded that the EMTs loading him onto a stretcher outside the Capitol vote ‘Yes’ on the Graham-Cassidy healthcare bill.

SUN PRAIRIE, WI—According to shocked and disgusted sources, local couple Graham and Allison Finlay partake in a bizarre presex ritual where they tuck both of their kids into bed and then kiss them goodnight.