The Greatest Douche in the World

Well :: I mean :: I don’t wanna tell you about the vitamins of course :: because you can just go buy some of those down at the store for like five bucks or whatever. No :: I’m talking about the opportunity to sell people on the opportunity to sell people on the idea that The Greatest Vitamin in the World is the key to future freedom from the reality of life’s realities.

It will only cost you whatever you happen to have :: and it might make you almost rich if you’re Donald Lapre … top turd in The Greatest Vitamin in the World turd pyramid. In June :: while I was busy with Death Ray being convicted of negligent homicide in an Arizona courtroom … Donald Lapre was being indicted in another Arizona courtroom on 41 counts of …

Mail Fraud

Wire Fraud

Conspiracy

Promotional Money Laundering

Transactional Money Laundering

… other fun stuff like that.

“This indictment goes to show that if something sounds too good to be true, it probably is,” said U.S. Attorney Dennis K. Burke. “Mr. Lapre used incessant nationally televised info-mercials to hawk his vitamins and worthless websites as a way to get rich quick without working hard. His scams swindled a sea of victims, but thanks to the efforts of the Postal Inspection Service and the IRS, he will face justice.”

If it sounds too good to be true :: it probably is … never heard that before. How about this instead Mr. FancyPants U.S. Attorney …

If it sounds too good to be true … IT SHOULDN’T BE INCESSANTLY FUCKING TELEVISED!!

Oh but that would put the blame on the sophisticated distribution channels :: and on the institutional incompetence :: that allow vulnerable citizens to be constantly flogged by blatant frauds. Easier to blame the victims who are somehow expected to understand that they are to be wary of open fraud in a venue where they are tyrannically protected from f-bombs and Janet Jackson’s nipples.

Don Lapre wasn’t always about vitamin opportunity opportunities … he used to be about 1-900 classified ad opportunity opportunities …

And before that he was about whatever the fuck this was supposed to be …

The Greatest Vitamin bullshit only lasted from 2003 until 2007 when the FDA notified Don that he’d been notified by the FDA. During those four years :: according to the indictment :: Donald Lapre relieved 225,000 people of $52 million dollars. It sounds like an assload :: but incessant television is expensive … so it’s likely that at least half of that money went to big media companies who are apparently not fit to judge when things are too good to be true.

Don’s make money with the classifieds programs were also too good to be true. The web archive captured Don’s lame excuses as that bullshit swindle imploded in June of 2002 …

Today, I am embarrassed and extremely upset over the way customers have been handled since I left back in February of 2000 !!! The company breached my contract which guaranteed customers would be handled correctly !!! This has destroyed my name and likeness in ways I can’t imagine would have ever even been allowed by law !! My name and likeness is being used on hundreds of products and services sold currently and is now controlled in a way which makes customers upset at me directly when they are not handled correctly !!!

Just a few months before his arrest Don Lapre had a really great idea for a business :: you give him 3% of your gross sales … and he says thank you very much {or not}.

But no :: it wasn’t to be :: Don was indicted in early June and was scheduled to appear for his arraignment on June 22 … the day of Death Ray’s conviction. Unlike Death Ray … fucking idiot Don Lapre no-showed. That was totally cool with the Federal Court :: except that a warrant was issued for his arrest and the U.S. Marshals were sent to hunt his sorry ass down.

They found him :: he’d been hiding out in a gym bathroom … like any smart criminal {or fungus} would. The Phoenix NewTimes …

But when federal agents stopped the car Lapre was in, near Warner Road and Interstate 10 in Tempe, they found the marketing guru suffering from deep, self-inflicted knife wounds to his thigh and groin.

The U.S. Marshals Service believes the vitamin peddler had been trying to hit his femoral artery in order to bleed out and commit suicide. The ultimate method of eluding capture.

Deputy marshals (one of whom was a paramedic) tended to his wounds and transported Lapre to an area hospital, according to U.S. Marshal for Arizona David Gonzales.

If you can’t do the time :: don’t do the crime … or do do the crime and then stab yourself in the leg with a knife not big enough to do the job like a pansy ass drama queen who I’m sure will do great in prison with all the other pansy ass drama queens … or wait.

Before Don went down in a blaze of pathetic :: he left a small tribute to himself on his website …

I tried to create the best product on earth, paid out millions, made very little trying to make it a success, had attorneys review my entire company, paid out millions in refunds, tried to make the commission and products better every single year, and in spite of all that, I have been accused of something I did not do. I did not have the perfect company but never once did I allow one thing to be done that would violate any law. Nevertheless, because the majority of people did not make money, in spite of everyone of them being able to make as many $1000 checks as they wanted, I am left to fight a battle that will for sure destroy what energy I have left inside… I hope the pictures below motivate you to take a chance in life and try to do the impossible…

Good story … so poignant.

If only those 225,000 lazy good-for-nothings {with identical websites shilling identically useless frauducts} would have tried a little harder not to disappoint Don Lapre and his infinite $1000 checks.

The pictures Don left to motivate us are like real estate agent photos of a couple of uber-fancy houses that no one running a home based business would ever be able to afford …

… and then a bunch of old pictures of his kids … including some super personal naked bath type pictures. Exactly the sort of thing any good father would put up on the Internet as an exploitative “defense” to a 41 count felony indictment.

Don Lapre :: criminally bad business man … criminally bad father.

I’m sure that we’re all very happy that has-been Don Lapre has finally stabbed himself in the leg. But you can turn on the television right now and see hillbilly asshole Anthony Morrison talking about making easy millions online … and then go listen to how that ends. Flip the channel a couple of times to see Dean Graziosi talking about making easy millions with real estate … same ending.