US moving to China

President Obama announced today that the United States will pack up and move to China at the end of next month.

Citing America’s economic woes, with spiralling costs and falling demand, Obama said the nation had “no choice” but to make the 7,000-mile move. He added, “We will miss the old United States. But we should look on this as an adventure.”

The American superpower will occupy China’s Xingjiang, Quinghai and Gansu provinces, in the northwestern region of the country, which, according to Obama, were available at a price that suited America’s tight budget. “China wasn’t doing much with them. It was a good deal.”

Republican critics were critical of the upcoming move, and roundly condemned proposals that the right-leaning “Red States” would be relocated to Gansu, the smallest of the three provinces, and a frequent site for droughts and earthquakes.

But Secretary of State Hilary Clinton announced that no decisions had yet been made about who will go where. “We’ll decide once we get there,” she said. “I’m sure everybody will get a province they like.”

Many analysts saw the move as inevitable, following a decade in which hundreds of US companies have moved their manufacturing facilities to China. “They’re homesick, and we’re missing them,” said their mother. “At least this way we’ll all be together.”

Although many were surprised by the announcement, the transition has been years in the planning. Hundreds of McDonald’s, Pizza Hut, and Starbucks outlets have already been built across China, in an attempt to make China feel more like home for its 300 million new residents.

The move will be the largest in history, involving the transportation of America’s entire population, buildings, crops, and Disneyland. Despite China’s strict one-child policy, American families will be permitted to bring all their children, subject to later reassessment by the Chinese central government.

Russia has offered to assist with the move, offering its naval fleet, and a minivan where the back seats can fold down.

The land currently occupied by the United States will be sold to Canadian developers. The former United States will be developed into a big mall, scheduled to open in 2012. Until then, the land will be covered in gravel and used for parking.