(Closed) SO contacted his ex. Am I overreacting?

Using a throwaway. I apologize if I sound crazy…I feel a little crazy right now (emotional). Please talk me down off the ledge if I am overreacting! That would actually be the best scenario in my mind right now…I hope that I am overreacting.

My SO and I have been together for about 7 months and have been in a long distance relationship for 6 of those. We have known each other for years and years and reconnected just before I moved away for work (temporarily). The distance has been difficult but despite that we have had what I thought was a really great relationship. I consider him my best friend and he has told me that I am his. We usually talk about everything and have discussed a long-term future together.

However, we have been having a lot of arguments and tension between us lately. I’ve had some things going on in my personal life and he’s in some difficult classes so I tried to chalk it all up to stress on both sides. However, I have just felt like something was off and every time I would press him about it he would get angry, my feelings would get hurt because I couldn’t understand why he was getting mad at me for wanting to communicate, and we would end up arguing again. I decided that I just need to cool it, stop pressuring him, and give our relationship time to get back on track. The last couple of days have been good. I’ve tried to keep conversation light and cheery and things were feeling better.

Then…tonight. He got extremely drunk and told me that he contacted his ex-girlfriend. THE ex…like the huge deal, important one. He told me that he needed “closure” with her…they have been broken up for at least 4 years. WHY does he need closure now?! Unfortunately since we’ve known each other for so long, I’ve heard pretty much ALL of the details of their relationship in the past. He would come to me with their problems which was a terrible idea in itself. Their relationship was absolutely ridiculous. It was toxic and volatile, and they were both wrong in many ways. When they started dating she was 15 and he was around 20. Her age had a TON to do with their immature problems, I’m sure. I mean, seriously…she was 15. Anyway they eventually broke up and she started dating someone else. And he tried to get her back. And he tried to get her back again. And she told him to back off because she was with someone else and he wrote her a love letter to try to get her back again. It didn’t work, he finally started dating other people.

Knowing all of this dramatic history is what upset me when he told me that he felt the need to contact her tonight. He told her that he wants to be friends with her and wants peace. THERE IS PEACE! THEY HAVEN’T SPOKEN IN ALMOST 2 YEARS? Why would he want to start something up NOW. Things have been SO tense with us and now I wonder if it’s because he was thinking about her. I mean…he told me that he contacted her though, so there’s that. But I’m 7000 miles away and all I’m thinking now is that she’s going to respond and they’re going to reconnect because maybe he’s STILL not over her. I read some of their messages way back when he was trying to get her back but she had a boyfriend, and she told him that she and her boyfriend were having problems (they’re still together now) and they both told each other that they’d never truly be over the other. She told him things like that and then apparently told her friend that he was being creepy or something and that got back to my SO and hurt him and that’s when he decided to leave her alone.

He kept telling me that it’s nothing, that she’s not going to reply anyway. But he sounded SO disappointed and discouraged by that thought. I just kept asking why did he NEED to do that?! Everything was fine. Sometimes things end badly between two people but they get over it and move the fuck on with their lives.

His reason for contacting her kept changing. He first said he needed closure, then he said he just wanted things to be peaceful between them, then he said he just didn’t want her to think he hated her, then he just wanted to see if she was ok because her grandma died last year…ugh. So many reasons.

One more thing to note, he is extremely close with her family, especially her mom. She works at his college and always does his financial aid for him and things like that, so he has gone over to their house a couple of times since we’ve dated (ex-girlfriend doesn’t live there anymore though). I don’t know if this is important, because I’ve never had an issue with that, the mom sounds like a really nice person. But I wonder if staying in close contact with her family is just keeping her on his mind.

I’m supposed to be moving home to him in 2 months. I’m leaving my job and moving. I am almost positive that he is not cheating on me, that nothing has happened, but I cannot be with someone who might be having feelings for someone else. I know before he started dating me he REALLY wanted to be in a relationship…he was tired of being alone. So now the thought has crossed my mind that he’s with me just because he knows she’s never going to take him back. I asked him if tonight if he would be with her if she would have him and he said no…but, of course he said no.

I feel like maybe I’m freaking out over nothing because he hasn’t cheated on me. But I have to KNOW if he is not over her before I move halfway across the fucking world to be with him. I am honestly so confused.

I know I sound so insecure, and it’s probably because I am in a way. He has seemed so distrustful of me lately when there was no reason to (signing into my facebook and email and making accusations) and it was really concerning me. Now things are starting to click together and I wonder if that was related to this.

@ldrthrowaway: it sounds to me like he’s not over her. and harsh as it is, if someone is in a happy relationship, they don’t go reminiscing about exes, and reaching out to them. the ‘she won’t reply anyway’ confirms that for me, it’s like he’s feeling sorry for himself. and how is that supposed to make you feel better? he still contacted her. the fact that he told you all this while drunk is not great either – makes me think he’s depressed over this situation and is torn.

i’m so sorry, because i’m sure that’s not what you want to hear, but if he’s tried to get her back three times in the past, and is now contacting her for no good reason…it doesn’t sound good. also – do you know what was said/written? ‘hey’ is very different than ‘i never got over you, i think about you all the time’

@ldrthrowaway: oh the distrustful thing – i think because he is having shady thoughts and maybe acting on them, he thinks (hopes?) you are too. maybe the idea of you moving back in 2 months is too much for him. is he excited about you moving back with him otherwise?

You def. need to have a heart to heart with him and try and figure out what his “true” feelings are for her and you. There seems to be some kind of hang up he has for her. And the fact he still is very close with her family is just strange! I hope I am not being to straight forward but what he is doing is not ok and not normal.

Only you know him the best (hopefully, he isnt pulling the wool over your eyes). But if you are already having trust issues and he is going behind your back, like he is, keep your guard up. And if it sounds to shady. it is!

And if he doesn’t respect your feelings about this, then walking away is the best advice hunny. Life is wayyyyy too short. I know it hurts and probably the idea of not being with him is worse. But you don’t want to look back years from now saying to yourself “the signs were there”. Oh and just because you guys are going through some hard times, does not give him the right to go seek emotional support from another female. You both should be leaning on eachother. Keep your head up xoxo

Yeah, this sounds really shady, I completely understand why you’re upset. As PPs said, people who are in happy relationships don’t go dredging up their exes out of nowhere. This is especially true if they haven’t had contact in over two years.

I would definitley not be picking up my life and moving to a man who did/is doing this. At best he’s not over her/what happened betweeen them (needing “closure”) and at worst, he’s actively trying to rekindle his relationship with her. Even in the “best” case scenario, his emotions/actions are affecting YOUR relationship, which is completely unacceptable, and for me, a complete dealbreaker.

I would be canceling my plans to relocate and be taking a break from the relationship so he can figure out what he wants. Personally, I couldn’t accept knowing I was his second choice.

@ldrthrowaway: You do not sound insecure and you are totally justified. I can only echo PP’s and tell you you need to have a good, long, face-to-face talk with him ASAP and tell him how you’re feeling. You need to talk this out with eachother, don’t let it eat away at you!

“I feel like maybe I’m freaking out over nothing because he hasn’t cheated on me.” – you do NOT have to wait for him to cheat on you to feel justified. Emotional cheating is real too.

It sounds like there is more wrong than just contacting the ex. You sound nice and he sounds like he is maybe just a step above using you. Think hard on whether you want to be engaged to him because it sounds like he will not be giving you everything you deserve.

I think the only other thing I would consider is asking him what he thinks about counseling. If he hates the idea I would walk away since in the future you would be less likely to have the tools you and he may need,

He probably has some residual feelings for her based on the info you provided, but men get intrigued by the unknown and that lack of contact makes her more attractive. You really do want him to address this issue sooner rather than later. Let him get it out of his system before you uproot your life.

Something tells me that his ex was probably “crazy” and overreacted, so you need to do the opposite.

If this were me, I would do the following:

Change your tune and be totally supportive. “Dear, I am so sorry for not being more supportive in our earlier conversation…”

He’s going to expect you to treat him like he’s a dog, so brag on his honesty and how lucky you are to have someone that is so incredibly honest about contacting his ex.

Tell him that you “totally understand” his need for closure and you definitely want him to get that.

Be very matter-of-fact, more like you are a friend counseling one of your female friends.

No crying or bossing him around.

Make your contact with him unpredictable until this issue blows over. Don’t answer the phone everytime he calls or text back straightaway.

Thanks everyone for your replies. It’s nice to know that I’m not just crazy although I did say that I wished I were overreacting.

He and I just had a horrible conversation. I texted him and told him to call me when he wakes up, but I guess he was awake so we talked now. I have never heard him sound so hateful to me. He answered the phone with “WHAT?!” And that was his attitude throughrout. He demanded to know what I wanted to talk about since I was being hesitant because he was just sounded so mean…I couldn’t even remember what I wanted to say at that point.

I stumbled through a few things and told him that I just want to talk things out and for him to act like he cares. I said that I think I could end things right now and he would just say “fine.” His response was “K.” Finally he opened up and said that all I want to do is argue and that I am making him feel like shit. He repeated that 3 or 4 times, that I’m just making him feel like shit, like a monster. I sat there in silence to let him finish. He said that he’s been telling everyone he knows how excited he is that I’m going home but now he’s not so sure, that if it’s going to be like this that I just need to fucking stay here. He wouldn’t address anything about the ex at ALL…except when I said “tell me that you’re over her” and he said “I am!” He’s insisting that this is all me, that I just want to fight. That I’m changing everything and tearing us apart, and that’s what I’m going to get if I keep acting like that’s what I want. Then he told me that I’m acting fucking crazy and hung up on me.

I really was NOT trying to argue with him. He calls everything an argument when I’m just trying to talk. I did start crying during his rant of telling me that I should stay here, etc. etc. but other than that I really was not acting crazy. 🙁

I think it’s not a good sign he told you this whilst he was *drunk*. If he had a genuine reason (sometimes people do, even when an ex is involved) and had discussed it with you BEFORE he contacted her then this might have been ok. Also it would have given you the chance to say you weren’t comfortable with him doing this.

The fact she is yet to even email him back shows that he is possibly not over their relationship – it’s not like she contacted him and then he replyed to get ‘closure’, he was the one who started it all up again for some reason (which he so far isn’t willing to explain to you).

Before you give up anything (job, house move etc.) you must talk to him face to face. If he still holds a candle for this girl you need to find out now as he probably isn’t going to change and you need to know NOW whether or not this relationship is worth moving forward in.

If you decide to stay with him then you need to set absolute ground rules for things like this so he know’s it’s not acceptable and that you won’t stand for it if it happens again.

He’s being defensive because hes got a guilty conscience. He’s 100% deflecting. Btw, he was checking YOUR email? Yeah… This has happened to me before and you should follow your gut. sorry you’re in such a crappy situation.

@LadyKM: If he had a genuine reason (sometimes people do, even when an ex is involved) and had discussed it with you BEFORE he contacted her then this might have been ok.

This is actually exactly what I said to him when he first told me. Honestly I feel like I might have told him that it was okay. Because I would feel like him telling me upfront makes it seem less shady and would let me know that he has honest intentions. But he didn’t do that and it spilled out when he was drunk. Ugh.

I am just absolutely shaken after our last conversation. I am so blown away. He had me feeling like the worst person on earth for making him feel so bad…until I remembered that I’m NOT making him feel bad! If he feels bad it’s of his own accord.