I’m Improving.

Ever since I went off my Buspar, I’ve been doing a lot better psychologically. I’m still pretty tired all the time as far as physical symptoms, but my mentality and outlooks on life have definitely improved.

Before, I was having a really hard time coping with things. I’ve been on mandatory overtime at work since the first week in December, and that was really difficult for me to manage. I kind of felt like I was falling apart because I could barely manage working 40 hours a week, yet my job demanded I work 45-50 hours a week.

Every time the announcement would come out about how many hours of overtime we had the following week, I would lose it. I got extremely angry and sad. I even started looking for other jobs even though most other jobs wouldn’t work with me nearly as much as my current job does. Each announcement felt like the literal end of the world (even though that reaction is a little extreme considering it’s just overtime).

Now, even though I’m still not happy about overtime, I can get through it. I’m able to cope with the announcements, even when one of them told us we have to work 12 hours overtime.

I’m also feeling more productive at home. I bought a book called Toxic Parents yesterday (homework from my therapist), and I got through about a chapter and a half last night. Back in high school, I used to love reading. It was a miracle if I was ever without a book in my hand. Now, though, my depression has robbed me of that passion, which is why the fact that I read a chapter and a half all at once is a big deal. I haven’t read a full book in years, so I’m really proud of that.

Overall, I’m just feeling so much better. I’m more able to cope with things both at work and at home, and I’m more productive overall. My numbers at work have also gone up, and I pushing for a type of promotion.

Now, I know this won’t last forever. The thing with depression is that it’s always trying to bring you back down even when you’re up. It always wants you to be miserable, and it will do just about anything to make that happen. I know that I’ll have more rough spots and that I’m by no means “cured.” But I just wanted to celebrate how well things are going at this moment.