With having a condition that ties paranoia into the mix, it’s really hard to see the perspective of somebody else. That was literally the topic of discussion when I was with my psychiatrist today. We were discussing how it is very easy for me to just keep seeing the negative in situations. Especially when it comes to people, but that is something that can be a little bit out of my control. I only say that because of my BPD trust issues. If I don’t trust you than I don’t trust you, for a long time.

He was talking about some movie that shows different view points of what was going on, and how that I can apply this to my everyday life. He wants me to try to find a way to see a different way of why I want to self harm, act in anger, etc. There’s also the ideations that have been getting a little bit too real. Not in a sense of doing anything! Gosh forbid, I use the wrong terminology and get myself 302’d. That would surely be dandy!

It is no secret of self harm issues, terrible thoughts and just being destructive. It was suggested that I could return back to IOP (Intensive Outpatient Program), with the goal of not returning back. I guess it ties into the perspective thing, because I wanna learn how to see things from an outsider point of view. How can I tell myself, in a third person, to deal with the current situation. Which is what my therapy has been trying to tell me for months now. Sorry.

I am capable of being a functional human, but there’s something within my mind, that completely overrides everything, and the emotions win. I think I said it before, but if I didn’t: Just imagine having constant cycles of mood swings during the day. Also, like my psychiatrist said, it’s not normal to have my ideations, every week, compared to a person whom will only think that way, maybe 3-5 times in their entire life!

It will be a challenge to try this concept out, especially since we,Borderlines,love to run away from the problem. It’s a double-edged sword, in all reality. Certainly not how I wanted this post to go, but oh well. It just proves that the habit is extremely hard to break. Yet, as y’all see, I have enlisted myself in the NAMI walk, which could turn into TWO walks! The month of May could bring exciting things, as it’ll be more of a motivator to do things during my birthday month.