_As a girly girl, I can admit, there wasn’t an episode of Sex and the City that I didn’t miss. One of my favorite episodes shows Charlotte, dressed warmly on a cold winter day, running in Central Park with Carrie’s voice over: “She had won at everything she had ever tried, except the baby race.” I felt a pang deep inside of me. I could relate. I had a wonderful husband that was my best friend, a beautiful and healthy son, a family that loved and supported me unconditionally, friends that fulfilled me, a job that wasn’t a job at all because I loved it so much and a beautiful home. Much like Charlotte’s character in Sex and the City, I am friendly, educated and well traveled. All in all, a beautiful life. So why do I feel like I am losing the baby race? Because I am. As everyone around me is getting pregnant and welcoming new babies into their ever expanding families, I am coming in last. As of Monday, I will be having surgery to remove my now infamous fibroid tumor. I say infamous because not only does its reputation proceed me in most doctor’s offices, but to describe in centimeters how large this tumor has grown would be irresponsible. According to my Gynecologist Oncologist, my tumor has now grown to be about the size of a 25 week pregnancy. In layman’s terms – about the size of my head.After a year of battles with this thing – hemorrhagic episodes , painful swelling and a menstrual cycle that does a disappearing act for months at a time, I thought it was time for it to be ejected from the game. There was also another reason for wanting this fibroid gone. After seeing one specialist, one interventional radiologist, two OBGYNs and three gynecologist oncologists, it was clear that even if we were to get pregnant now, I probably would not be able to carry the pregnancy to full term (yet again). We were also warned that the outcome could be even more damaging to my body, my fertility and result in the loss of the baby. The uncertainties were too haunting and the risks too great. It was settled then. On Monday morning, as the holiday season kicks off and most in this big city rush off to work, I will be put under anesthesia and have a much needed surgery. But what will I wake up to?This is where it gets a bit tricky. Like a 1970’s game show contestant, I have three doors that could reveal my fate. Door number 1: My gyn-onc goes in to perform a myomectomy to remove my fibroid tumor, and that’s exactly what happens. I recover and in a few months we try for another baby. Door number 2: My gyn-onc goes in to perform a myomectomy, but realizes he can’t due to the possibility of too much blood loss or because the fibroid is too large to remove safely. He then will perform a complete hysterectomy, removing both the uterus and the cervix. Door number 3: My gyn-onc goes in to perform a myomectomy and sees something concerning (like malignancy or necrosis). He then will have to perform a radical hysterectomy, removing my ovaries, fallopian tubes, my uterus and my cervix. This will also possibly result in some pelvic reconstruction as well. One surgery, three possible outcomes. Last week, the day before Thanksgiving, I signed all of my paper work and consented to surgery. There is nothing more I can do – it is in God’s hands now. To relinquish that type of control, when I probably never had it to begin with, is difficult to admit. It takes faith, but that’s something us Lubins are full of.This week has been an emotional roller coaster to say the least. Brad and I have cried, prayed, worried, pondered possible outcomes and cried some more, but we have never lost our faith in God and our faith in each other. And this past Thanksgiving, we certainly had much to be thankful for. We have a wonderful doctor that is capable and that we trust implicitly. We have a supportive family and circle of friends that are taking care of us through support and empathy. But most of all, we have our Sutton. He truly is our miracle baby, our gift from God. And if Sutton is the only child we ever have, then we are the lucky ones. He has filled our lives with so much joy and taught me so much about love that he has healed me in ways that I don’t even understand. So maybe I'm not so nervous about having surgery or all the possible outcomes or about having future children. Maybe I'm more nervous about possibly not being there for the one I already have.

You are making so many people proud when you write something like this. Again I can't believe how much we've grown up since 2006.. You are an incredibly amazingly strong women.. I recently went to a priest with a problem.. and all he is said to me was... "this is temporary, it is all in gods hands".. that will forever stick with me. I love you and I am always here for you!! your family is beautiful and you are truly blessed! xoxoxoxo

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Donna Strockbine

12/2/2011 12:05:29 pm

You have what most Americans don't have and that is trust in the Lord. Put everything in his hands and he will provide. He already has your life mapped out and knows what lays ahead for you, Brad and Sutton. You will come through surgery (Iam praying for you all) May god bless you and give your surgeon a guiding hand. And peace be with you all.

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Jamie LeBouef

12/2/2011 01:37:04 pm

Wow... Very touching!! My prayers will be with you, Brad and Sutton on Monday! Praying for a safe surgery with the best possible outcome as well as a quick and easy recovery!!! :)

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Colleen Fitzgerald Bunner

12/2/2011 02:14:39 pm

When I was finally ready to have babies, when I finally got my life together (to be totally honest, I'm still working on that), but when I met and married Stan and knew I was finally ready to be the mom I always wanted to be, I learned that I am now unable to have children. The one thing that keeps me going is to know that this is God's plan, not mine, and I must always have faith in that. Its not easy, and there are moments of why me? But your story, your faith, hope and love, renew my strength in my struggle to live His life. I will be praying for you and your family. Your words are touching more people than you know. God bless you.

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Kate

12/2/2011 02:36:24 pm

Megan, you are in my thoughts and prayers as are Sutton and Brad. We are all winners just to have a healthy Megan in our lives. I am here for you and whatever God's plan is for you and your body! Love you so much!!

Kate

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Ana

12/3/2011 04:56:20 am

Megan, We hope everything goes well and you have a speedy recovery. You, Brad and Sutton are in our prayers. All our LOVE!! The Picciano Family

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Sara

12/3/2011 06:32:05 pm

Megan, Very well written but so hard to read...I am thinking of you, praying for you, and wishing for the best possible outcome. please let me know if I can do anything for you. Where are you having the surgery? Please tell Brad to text or call me if you or he needs anything...seriously, anything. Best wishes for the speediest of recoveries!
Love, Sara Cohen

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Elaine

12/5/2011 02:17:42 pm

Megan...Another beautiful blog, but I had no idea what you have been going thru. You are in my thoughts and prayers always!

I said a prayer for you today
And I know God must have heard -
I felt the answer in my heart
Although He spoke no word.

I didn't ask for wealth or fame -
(I knew you wouldn't mind)-
I asked him to send treasures
Of a far more lasting kind!

I asked that He'd be near you
At the start of each new day
To grant you health and blessings
And friends to share your way.

I asked for happiness for you
In all things great and small,
But it was for His loving care
I prayed the most of all.

Thinking of you, Brad, and Sutton :) XO

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Holly

12/7/2011 01:22:23 pm

Megan, I found your wonderful website through "The Painted Diaper." I wish you all the best with your surgery, and I hope that you get door #1.

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Tammy Miller

12/8/2011 09:25:34 am

Megan, I also was directed to your site through "The Painted Diaper." Thank you for sharing your story and pictures of your sweet baby boy. I'll keep you in my prayers and will look forward to hearing how recovery from your surgery goes. Take care.

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Diana Louzado

12/11/2011 02:58:43 pm

Meg,

Im so sorry to hear about this. The power of prayer is amazing, and God never goes wrong. Trust him and have faith. ((Hugs)) I will be thinking of you!

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Cherelyn Stewart

1/11/2012 12:06:59 am

Your story is very touching, inspirational and encouraging... I also had a myomectomy on 12/5/11 and am still healing...I pray that your healing and recovery is going well and that your husband and son are giving you all of the love, attention and support you need and deserve. May God continue to bless you and your family and may your faith in HIM continue to be increased.

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I’m a southern gal to the core who lives for my family, has a serious weakness for chocolate, a penchant for anything that can be monogrammed and loves to craft and sew. Thank you for your interest and welcome to His Middle Name!