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It was mid-June when everything began to crumble for me. I never really had an answer. My suicide mission must have been too hard to watch. The fact is, in the city by the Bay, there is no longer any pressure to have safe sex. Every time I have to watch a friend die and have to wonder about my own fate.

My suicide mission must have been too hard to watch. On the phone line, some guys would yell, others would say something mean and others would simply express concern. Any dreams I had before simply faded. There were men by the dozens available to me. Before then, from the fourth grade on, my head was pummeled with safe sex education and I would only sleep with guys who said they were negative. While I sought medical help and tried to recuperate, I missed too much work and lost my last job. Every time I have to watch a friend die and have to wonder about my own fate. Or, maybe, to me, it just seemed easier. Then I stumbled on a few sites that piqued my curiosity. I never really had an answer. The HIV results would come from a test I was to do at home. Linus eventually dropped all contact with me. That less was more, and what I was doing would surely bring me less than I had before. Also, take BB out, because if you bottom bareback, you will be infected. It was my life. How could my barebacking and possible infection hurt HIM? Legs open and ready for whatever. The fact is, in the city by the Bay, there is no longer any pressure to have safe sex. I understood not a word. He spotted the acronyms BB bareback and PnP party-and-play in my male-for-male profile. Reading and researching this made my curiosity run wild. This stopped me in my tracks and made my stomach and heart ache. I began asking about bug-chasing, through my blurry tina haze, provoking excitement in some, utter disgust in others. He wrote me an e-mail that to me seemed bossy and unfounded. Most at first were wary about my age and status, but I quickly dispelled their reservations by saying I was positive as well. By mid-July I was hit with a flu unlike anything I had ever experienced. In some ways I knew I was on a suicide mission -- it was my hope to,at some point, wear my body out and die.

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