Dating in Melbourne or London: it's a man buffet.

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1.7 Calm down it’s coffee not commitment.

I ran into a long term ex at the gym we were like “Coffee yeah?!”. Set a time and a place then I received an abrupt “Sorry, can’t do – the girlfriend’s not happy about it. Hope you understand.” And to be completely flipping-heck-it’s-only-coffee-honest – No, I did not. So, coffee with the ex: Yay or nay? Seems to be a topic people have pretty strong feelings about once I started asking around and voicing my mocha-latte-annoyance out loud.

Now I’m not meaning any kind of ex – not that one night that turned into three or the boy at school who pulled your pigtails or called you crater face (It was a measles scar meany). I mean an ex of the long term variety – someone you’ve done the hard slog with; some tears, fights and period pain and you’ve taught each other a few things along the leave-him-alone-he’s-in-his-man-cave way.

So clearly – I don’t have a problem with it. When I was twenty sure, I put on a brave face at my current squeeze meeting the ex for afternoon tea. I was secretly a little worried but wouldn’t dare have ordered him around with “No! you can’t see her.” That’s like asking the weather in Melbourne to stay fine with a light breeze – it will schizophrenically change on you and rain down broken GHD’s from above.

I’m the sort of person who really doesn’t like to be told who they can and can’t see – it’s a direct violation of trust that person has for me and I find it abhorrently controlling. If someone told me to not see a particular person – you can bet your Instagram-Fourquare-Where’s-my-iPhone-mobile app I’ll accidently bump into them on Collins street and have time for lunchtime sushi. You think I’m sneaky, sneaky? Well it’s pretty basic psychology isn’t it – “I had surgery for a wrist ganglion once. Oh, do NOT Google image search that…”

Any woman who screams and stomps their crazy-girlfriend-high-heels at their boy saying ‘Hi’ to an ex may have some deeper emotional issues, being it; trust, control or their need to have things their stiletto-heeled own way. You can’t control your partner. The quicker you learn that and the more freedom you give – the more trust you will gain.

If you’ve had a partner for a few years – chances are you know their family, pets, neighbours and drug dealers. You were closely knitted into their life. So when you break up – yes, you lose all that – but you don’t stop caring or wondering about those people you spent years not listening to and nodding at parties, waving to and swimming in their pool or expanding their nose candy client list. So I like to email, message or communicate in some way or another with long term ex’s every now and then to check in with how the family, nutjobs and those jail sentences are going.

It’s nice to stay in contact and it’s normal and nice to care. I’m not saying update your ex on every IKEA purchase and pre-honeymoon Asia injection in your butt. But that there is nothing wrong with a catch up on the little things and little people you would have shared in your time together. And also to see you’re both happy and OK. If you’ve invested that much time in someone at one point in your life then surely they’re worth that cup of overpriced Melbourne coffee?