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Messy relationship and break up, please help

I’m an 18 year old girl and need advice. Everyone loves N. He messages loads of girls and just knows how to appear really lovely and caring. N spoke to me and flirted (I know this was wrong of me too) with me while still in a relationship with his ex. After she dumped him for being clingy he asked me out two weeks later, I was 16 at the time. We went out for a few months but I dumped him because he got way too intense too fast (saying he loved me and that I was ‘the one’ after only a month – which his ex later said he did to her as well). During my time with him he constantly spoke of what a horrible ‘bitch’ his ex was, he literally hated her.

Literally 4 days after I dumped him, he made out with this girl from his college who had apparently been going round his house every day for lunch. He admitted it to me though after I found out through another friend. They started a relationship soon after, it lasted 3 months then when it ended he again told me how horrible and awful she was. He has convinced himself that all his exes are horrible people who took advantage of his ‘kind’ nature, when in reality he is incredibly manipulative, controlling and clingy.

After dumping her, naive and lonely me went back to him and believed him when he said he always had more feelings for me. During this time, he was also talking to another girl who he decided he also had feelings for, but he quickly came back to me.

After a few months of this, I found out that he was emigrating to New Zealand with his family in just a few months but I stupidly agreed to get back into a relationship with him and make it work long distance. Right after he moved, I found out from a friend at college that he had also been messaging A – his ‘best friend’ constantly, and meeting up with her too, which I totally understand as he was moving across the world. However, this was all behind my back and he also swapped bracelets with her as a ‘friendship’ token, while she would constantly cry about him leaving. Fair enough, if they really were ‘just friends’.

A would constantly message him over facebook, every day. N would obviously flirt with her, though he claimed not to mean to, and basically every message had a wink etc and A obviously had feelings for him. I told N that I was worried and asked if he would message A less, and he promised me he would.

However, at the same time as claiming to message her less, he was demanding to know which boys I was speaking to. One of my friends, P, who I rarely messaged asked me out one day, and N found out about this and blamed me, and has used it against me ever since for ‘encouraging’ P, even though our conversations were always 100% platonic. N demanded screenshots of my messages to check that I wasn’t talking to P, but one day I sent 3 messages to P, then deleted them, but N found out with the screenshot, failing to reveal that he was still talking to A every single day and actually being very hypocritical.

At some point, something snapped in me. I was pretty normal before, but then I just felt insanely jealous of A all the time, he would flirt with her all the time and message her and hide it from me. I got controlling, I asked N to only message her ‘a few times a week’ as opposed to every single day, and he said he would but again lied, and I just felt totally uncared about and got really mad and angry at him.

He argued back, but carried on speaking to all his friends and twisted everything to make me seem like the horrible one. He told A I was basically crazy, and angry about them talking, and scared him. He made everything seem like my fault, he turned my friends against me (one of my close friends is also close friends with A), and I was constantly trying to talk to him and make the relationship work and I pushed my friends away.

Anyway, after just over a year of being in a long distance relationship, we were arguing all day every day about various things – who I was talking to, how much he was talking to A etc. Because of his controllingness I literally lost all of my male friends, while he kept messaging about 10 girls and I didn’t bat an eyelid.

I know it’s crazy, but I didn’t want to break up with him party due to the fear that he would just replace me with A and I could not let that happen. As I share a lesson with A, I always look over and see her messaging him every single lesson, and she makes every effort to make sure I can see this and the flirty nature of their messages.

We eventually broke up a few months ago, and I did something after which he rightfully continues to hold against me. About a month after breaking up, I got with two different boys in the same fortnight basically due to the pain and bitterness of him replacing me so easily in the past. He found out through his sister who I am good friends with, and clearly loves me because he was absolutely destroyed and told A and my best friend what a ‘slag’ I am.

For some reason we started talking again a few weeks later, he told me he misses me etc and he still loves me. So for the past two months, I have been messaging him every day. He told me he loved me every day. But today, before he was going to sleep, he admitted that he is ‘confused’. That he ‘fancies’ A and loves her, and apparently fell out of love with me. I just asked him questions about it calmy but he attacked me by claiming it’s my fault because of the time a year go when P asked me out and also because of the post break up events, which understandably upset him a lot.

I know I’m fickle, I don’t understand why I kept going back to him but I just need an objective view of the situation, I tried to stay as unbiased as possible. Sorry for the long post.

2 thoughts on “Messy relationship and break up, please help”

Delete him from your phone, facebook, instragram, tweeter, meowmeowbeenz whatever else you kids use these days.

This drama is unnecessary. Someone who wants to be with you will be with you. Someone who doesn’t will lead you on until he has his hands on something better. Which is what he’s doing. Get rid of him and maybe you’ll find a healthy relationship with someone else.

[N is the king of cake eating and gaslighting. He wants it all and when something is not going his way he wants to blame others. He will never ‘love’ just you. He wants to have a primary, secondary and tertiary all lined up. Get away from this loser.. he needs to grow up. And you need to value yourself more and just let A have him ..