Scottish independence "hangs on Murray's performance"

A senior government spokesman has admitted that if Andy Murray wins Wimbledon, he will become irrevocably British and Scottish independence will therefore be impossible. "There's just no way England will let go of a Wimbledon champion. Hell, we're seriously considering inviting Serbia to join the Union to make Novak Djokovic technically a Brit, imagine what we'd do to keep Murray a member."