A Word on Unmentionables

Today is laundry day in the wordtabulous household. I scored $19.25 that I found in pockets which is absurdly cheering. I know it isn’t new money that fell from the sky just for me, but it still feels like a gift. Kind of like how weekends still give me a thrill even though they mean three more people around to challenge my already strained domestic skills. I decided to squeeze a kettlebell workout into my morning, and did a light-speed rotation of the laundry before I zipped out the door. When I returned the loads were done and I delved into the washer to move the wet stuff into the dryer, to find that I had thrown my two nicest Victoria’s Secret bras into the wash without their little mesh bags to contain them. As I struggled to free the other garments that were being strangled in the wound-up straps I almost felt like I needed to apologize to the bras for their ordeal. And then I thought, I hate these things. They are the most expensive ‘foundation garments’ I own and when I wear them it feels like they are biting me–and not in a naughty fun way, either. They look fabulous, but I sigh with resignation when I put one on and sigh with relief when it comes off. I am rather breast sensitive these days, and frankly I don’t think I need to deal with this anymore. Now instead of wanting to apologize I kind of felt like they deserved it. Take that, you rib-chomping, misogynistic, demon-inspired brassieres! Hah!

But, now what? There are all kinds of undergarments out there promising the perfect fit and ultimate comfort. I own some of them. They’re okay. They are certainly more comfortable, if less…substantial. There are even those that claim “one size fits all,” which is ludicrous. I once bought a bra that creaked when I moved, like a squeaky floorboard. I have a strapless that does some very unusual things to my figure after awhile without frequent intervention. I have two on which the cleavage sides of the cups curl out just enough to make ridges visible through my clothes. I guess they want attention. I have one that slips sideways just a hair, leaving a gap on the one side and a pillowy bulge on the other. Sigh. I suppose there is an outside possibility the grapple in the washer made my VS bras more comfortable instead of less. I wonder if an apology might help?