Nov. 25, 2013 |

Bryan Kinzbrunner, chaplain of the Oscar and Ella Wilf Campus for Senior Living, in the Somerset section of Franklin, is pictured with Wilf resident Bobby Rosenstraus on a recent trip to Israel. / PHOTO COURTESY OF WILF CAMPUS FOR SENIOR LIVING

Written by

Rabbi Bryan Kinzbrunner

Oscar and Ella Wilf Campus for Senior Living, Franklin (Somerset)

As I was walking around Ben Gurion airport in Israel an hour before my return flight home, looking for something to purchase for my two young children, I happened upon a pile of dreidels, the special spinning top Jews have played with during Hanukkah for centuries. On the dreidel is written four Hebrew letters, Nun, Gimmel, Hey and either Shin or Peh. The letters stand for the phrase, a great miracle happened here/there. Throughout most of the world, the miracle is seen as something that happened there, in another land. However, standing in Israel, the dreidel says to us, the miracle happened right here, right in this land.

The Hanukkah miracle in the year 167 BCE was the Hasmonean defeat of the Seleucid Greeks, a little band defeating a grand army. Hanukkah was an instance of David defeating Goliath. The great miracle is the overcoming of insurmountable odds. As I am standing there purchasing two Israeli dreidels for my boys, I began thinking about another miracle, one which occurred one year prior.

Last November, days after Hurricane Sandy, The Oscar and Ella Wilf Campus for Senior Living in Somerset, where I work, began a miraculous journey of its own. Nine staff members of our campus accompanied 12 seniors on a tour of Israel. For many, this was their first time traveling to Israel, the birthplace of Western religion. For others, it was the miracle of travelling internationally again at such an advanced age. Either way, it was truly something that left a mark on each and everyone’s heart and soul.

Personally, while I have been fortunate to have traveled to Israel many times and to have spent a year of study in Israel, this was truly a different and special time. Accompanying Holocaust survivors, people of different faiths and my colleagues and residents to places that have inspired me, offered me new and different eyes through which to see Israel.

Living in the United States, the commemoration of Thanksgiving is a holiday along the same lines. It is a day of gratitude celebrating the founding of a free nation. While no nation and no miracle can be seen in a vacuum, as both Hannukah and Thanksgiving have stories surrounding the days which raise fundamental questions, the commonality of being grateful for the miracle in the moment, is worthy of celebration. And this year, in a once-in-a-lifetime calendrical event, Jews in the United States get to celebrate both miracles together.

May each and every one find gratitude during this time of year for all we have, all we have opportunity to do and for the miracle of life and living in a world where we can see with our own eyes where the great miracles of history happened.

Rabbi Bryan Kinzbrunner is the campus chaplain for The Oscar and Ella Wilf Campus for Senior Living, which comprises The Martin and Edith Stein Assisted Living, The Lena and David T. Wilentz Senior Residence, The Martin and Edith Stein Hospice, Wilf Transport , Wilf at home, and the Foundation at the Wilf Campus. For more information, call 888-311-5231, email info@wilfcampus.org or visit www.wilfcampus.org.

For many people, visiting someone or trying to support someone who is in mourning the loss of a loved one can be a difficult proposition. We are plagued with trying to figure out what to say, how to act and perhaps we ourselves are in pain and don’t have the emotional strength to be present with someone else who is living in sadness. The following story and description is an interesting perspective on what visiting someone sitting shiva, or for that matter anyone mourning a loved one, as it emphasizes the impact of just showing up. Showing up can sometimes in itself be the truest of expressions of empathy with a mourner.

At first the words ‘drive by shiva’ seemed offbeat even a touch offensive.

A friend told me he was paying a shiva call, and the person sitting shiva excused himself and walked onto his terrace for a brief moment.

When he returned, he explained that he lives in a densely populated neighborhood famous for its congested streets and nearly no on street parking.

Another friend of his had called him from his car to explain that he had rounded the block several times and could not find any parking spot. No surprise to anyone familiar to the neighborhood. He said he didn’t want to leave without at least talking to him to pay his respects even over the phone.

The person sitting shiva immediately asked him to drive back to the front of the house.

He said he’ll walk out on the terrace so his friend could at least step out of the car, ‘see him’ and say the sentence ascribed to mourners that G-D should comfort the mourners amongst Zion and Jerusalem which is an important part of the visit.

And so he did. He paid his respects in person however brief seeing and talking to him from his terrace. The mourner was properly consoled and a parking spot was spared.

This may all sound amusing of course, yet it may be a proper alternative to some of the inappropriateness that too often takes place in a shiva house.

People asking wholly inappropriate questions of the mourner(s), laughter and gaiety as if it’s a sorority, staying endlessy long thus preventing others from entering a congested room to pay their respects.

When Rabbi Yisroel Reisman, Rav of the Agudah of Madison was sitting shiva for his father A’H he went to great lengths to teach those who came to pay their respects the proper way to do so. Recalling what he had learned from his Rebbe Rav Pam, A’H he explained the purpose is to talk about the niftar, the deceased. A visitor should always wait for the mourner to speak first or acknowledge you in some way. If the visitor knows the deceased you should repeat a good story about him or her. Talking about that person in a good way is a comfort to family members who are mourning.

If you didn’t know the deceased say to the mourner, I didn’t know your _____ well please tell me a good story about him.

Listen to the story, the mourners talking is meant to be cathartic and comforting and after a few additional minutes leave.

Sitting shiva is an emotionally and physically difficult time. As it should be.

It is a time to cry, to remember, for introspection, and to feel a sense of loss. Some mourners may sit alone and only have few visitors. In those situations your remaining awhile may be the best gift you can give them especially if they ask you to stay. In a mourners home that has a large uninterrupted number of visitors, paying your respects properly and briefly is also a gift you bestow. It enables more people to come through, to talk or listen about the deceased and to repeat the important phrase May G-D comfort you…

There are many situations where a telephone call is the only way to pay a shiva call. No doubt most if not all of us have done this when we live a great distance away.

A drive-by shiva sounded funny and even inappropriate when I first heard the term.

Once I understood the circumstances that the mourner considered it more meaningful to ‘see’ his friend albeit momentarily from his terrace than a phone call it seemed perfectly reasonable.

The total time one spends in a mourner’s house to pay his respects should in many cases be less than finding a parking spot in some neighborhoods. It may be a good frame of reference to keep in mind.