"Sprayed protesters with pepper spray. But it was awful naughty to keep yelling 'Bam!' while they did it."--Beth Sherman

"The mandatory 24-hour CHiPs marathon for drivers who fail to come to a complete stop."--Kate Wing (similar, but giving Michael Feinstein the comeuppance he so richly deserves, Andrew Milner; A Night at the Roxbury, Tim Carvell; The Day the Clown Cried, Charlie Glassenberg; CBS, Andrew Cohen)

"Forced vagrants to bungee jump over the Transamerica building out of unmarked helicopters."--Peter Lerangis

"They made people sleep in their own shit."--Eric Zicklin

"They set their phasers to 'stun.' "--Matthew Singer

"Telephoned every household in Northern California at supper time to sell Police Athletic League tickets."--Angus MacDonald

"Gave suspects their flu shots? ('This will only hurt for a second,' I remember hearing during my youth, and no one called the ACLU back then.)"--Jennifer Miller

"Forced environmental protesters to listen to Rep. Frank Rigg's speeches, while rubbing tear gas in their eyes. Walker felt that the 'adding insult to injury' charge was unwarranted."--Walt Crawford

"Recited aloud from the Bay Area best seller Affirmations for Cops Who Brutalize Too Much."--David Rakoff

"If you've ever ridden on a city bus, I don't have to explain it to you."--Michael Gerber

"Publicly denounced Peter Allen Live."--Larry Amaros

"The Dirty Harry Dutch rub. 'I know what you're asking yourself: Am a using two knuckles or only one?' "--Chris Kelly

"Paid a homeless guy a hundred bucks for his shopping cart, then ordered him to lie down so they could run him over with it. (Note to ACLU troublemakers: The cops checked it out beforehand--it's totally legal!)"--Jim O'Grady

"Stuffed some protesters in the portable Iron Maiden and gouged their eyes out. Whole thing didn't take but a minute. 'We used to use pepper spray,' explained Officer Jim Farragut of the 5th Precinct. 'But the commissioner went to an Inquisition re-enactment and came home with all this cool stuff.' "--Katha Pollitt

"Starting at your feet and working upward, they make sure each new whack with the billy club hurts enough to make you forget the previous one, therefore ensuring a definition of 'transient pain' that will stand up in court, even if the defendant can't."--Chuck Lawhorn

"Crammed suspects into a cable car instead of a paddy wagon."--Carrie Rickey

"Tested cosmetic products on handcuffed environmental protesters. I applaud them. No animals were hurt in this protest."--Matthew Cole

"Dressed felons as Jerry Garcia and forced them to pose for Polaroids with tourists along Fisherman's Wharf."--Andrew Reynolds