I'm a California girl, born and raised here, with an abiding interest in health issues and particularly, healthy aging. I have always loved working with older people, probably because I had this amazing grandmother. She taught me so much about life, balance, how to be your own person, and how to savor the moment. She was a nurse and inspired me to be one, too. I evolved into a second career, practicing law, representing individuals. Now, I'm in the advice and conflict resolution field, focused on issues about aging and aging parents. This blog is dedicated to you, the one with the aging parent or aging loved one. Maybe it's just about all of us middle aged folks getting older ourselves. My husband, Dr. Mikol Davis, a psychologist, and I put our efforts together at AgingParents.com. We've got 2, 20-something kids and an 89 year old mother in law. Helping Mom is a big part of our lives. Lots of our friends are going through the same things we are: parents starting to decline in health or alertness, putting time in with all we can do to help out. The stresses affect you, and they affect me, too. I like to discuss these challenges and what you can do to meet them. Feel free to comment!

True Story: The Prominent Dad With Dementia Who Refused to Stop Driving

This story is based on actual facts. It reflects a dilemma faced by many families. What can you do when a strong minded elder should stop driving but refuses to do so?

“Mark” is 85 and was the founder and remains the principal of a thriving local business which he has owned for over 30 years. He’s wealthy, powerful and has a long standing reputation of involvement in the community. Gradually over the last 3 years, he has been showing signs of memory loss. Although he goes to the office every day, he doesn’t really do any work now, as he is no longer competent to produce work. No one has confronted the issue of his memory loss.

His wife and adult kids are worried. He drives his expensive, high profile car to the office and around town. He gets on the freeway. He refuses to acknowledge that he has had so many fender benders, his insurance has been limited. He is either in denial about his memory loss or he really doesn’t know he has this problem.

His adult son contacted us at AgingParents.com and asked for some suggestions. We gave them a plan.

The family found a reason to get him to the doctor for a physical. They separately and confidentially expressed their worries to the physician about the driving problems he was having. Fortunately, the doctor was cooperative and she contacted the Department of Motor Vehicles, which, in Mark’s state, allows anyone to request that an elder be re-tested before the license renewal date.

Mark said nothing to his wife or son about the re-testing. A friend drove him there. He failed the driving test miserably, but did not tell his wife. He got in the car the next day and drove to work. While he was gone, his wife searched for anything about the test or results. She found the paper in his pocket. He had not passed the driving test and was to give up his license. That wasn’t going to stop him.

His wife and son took the test results to the local police. The police knew Mark, as he had had a lot of small accidents, but they also knew him by name and reputation. However, no one was going to allow him to keep driving without a license. His wife and son let the town police know the make, model and license plate number of Mark’s car. They also let them know the approximate time Mark would try to drive to work the next morning and the route he followed. Sure enough, Mark got in the car and started off to work that day. The police stopped him and drove him home. His car was impounded. It was only then that Mark seemed to accept that his driving days were over.

The car was sold so as not to remain a reminder to Mark that he was not able to drive. He had previously refused to allow his wife to hire a driver for him, but he seemed less resistant after the police involvement. He was clear that he didn’t want to be “stuck in the house”.

His son is working very hard to put a lot of things in place to protect his dad. Thus far, the fact that his mom is going to have to take over the responsibility for all financial decisions for both herself and dad is just too much for his mom to face. She doesn’t want to “disrespect” her husband by insisting that he yield the checkbook along with the keys. Yet she fully realizes that he is no longer competent to make financial decisions. She is working up to the inevitable confrontation to come over that problem. We are helping her find the best way to do it.

It was easier for this family to start by limiting Mark with driving, rather than with all of the other areas of his life that are affected by his memory loss. He has dementia. The family knows this, but is not clear about how to deal with dad about change. Driving was an emotional issue for Mark, but with the police involved, it was less of a problem than it had been for the family alone.

It was fortunate that in Mark’s forays onto the freeway, he didn’t hurt anyone else or himself. It was only a few miles from home, but he was just not safe to handle driving anymore.

If this sounds like someone you know, or your aging parent, please take action. Mark was putting everyone at risk every time he got behind the wheel. He was very dangerous, even for a driving distance of less that five miles. Stopping a strong-minded elder can be tricky when the elder refuses to listen to family, can’t or won’t accept the concept of being too impaired to drive and is stubborn about the issue. If your loved one is in this situation, enlist the help of the doctor when you can, or law enforcement when possible. You could be saving your loved one’s life or that of others.

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