LOVE WARRIOR NOW AVAILABLE IN PAPERBACK!

LOVE WARRIOR NOW AVAILABLE IN PAPERBACK!

I need to tell you something

August 1, 2016

I’m staring at this blank page and thinking: This is one of the most important things you’ll ever write. Be kind and brave, Glennon. Steady. Clear. Shameless. Gentle. True.

Pretend it’s just the two of us here in my kitchen. I’m making us chamomile tea. I pass a mug to you and ask you to sit down on the couch with me. You follow me into my family room and and we sit down and I look at you. I can see that you’re nervous because you’ve figured out I’m about to tell you something important. I quickly say: It’s okay. Everyone is healthy. All is well. We are all okay.

We are. And yet.

Craig and I are separating.

What happened? I am still looking for the words. While I am smack dab in the middle of the unfolding, here is my best explanation: As you’ll read in Love Warrior, Craig and I endured serious trauma a few years ago. We suffered. My God, we suffered. I was broken, just completely shattered. And then we healed. It was beautiful.

And this is what I learned: You can be shattered and then you can put yourself back together piece by piece.

But what can happen over time is this: You wake up one day and realize that you have put yourself back together completely differently. That you are whole, finally, and strong – but you are now a different shape, a different size. This sort of change — the change that occurs when you sit inside your own pain — it’s revolutionary. When you let yourself die, there is suddenly one day: new life. You are Different. New. And no matter how hard you try, you simply cannot fit into your old life anymore. You are like a snake trying to fit into old, dead skin, or a butterfly trying to crawl back into the cocoon, or new wine trying to pour itself back into an old wineskin. This new you is equal parts undeniable and terrifying.

Because you just do not fit. And suddenly you know that. And you have become a woman who doesn’t ignore her knowing. Who doesn’t pretend she doesn’t know. Because pretending makes you sick. And because you never promised yourself an easy life, but you did promise yourself a true one. You did promise – back when you were putting yourself back together – that you’d never betray you again.

And so one day you sit down with your beloved, wonderful, kind, brave, warrior husband and you look at him and you say: Honey. We have worked so hard, for so long. We have been warriors for each other and for our children and for this marriage. And yet. I don’t fit here anymore.

And your husband looks at you and, eventually through his tears, he says: Four years ago you gave me the most selfless love I’ve ever received. It healed me. And now I’m going to return that kind of love to you. The kind of love that only wants truth and wholeness and peace for each other.

For the next several weeks, you do nothing but cry and talk. Sometimes it feels like that’s all you ever do—because, it turns out, you have been grieving your marriage for years. But still, you cry and talk more. You close the bedroom door and sit on that bed and you talk. You talk about how hard you’ve worked together, how you stayed on your mats and didn’t run from each other. Since you didn’t run, you discovered together that fight or flight aren’t the only options. There is a third way: heal.

You talk about how broken you each were when you met, and how whole each of you is now. You say to him: You’ve been my healing partner. He says: And you have been mine. You talk about how you can forgive someone and love someone and at the very same time know that you cannot be with them anymore. You get more honest than you have ever, ever been before. You talk about how hard, how very brutal it’s all been for the two of you. Since day one. And you talk about how beautiful it’s been for the two of you. Since day one. There is a moment in every conversation when one of you says: My God, the kids – and neither of you can go on. That’s the black hole. Still is. I can’t write more about that right now. Someday. Not today.

You sit in a therapist’s waiting room to discuss how to handle this with as much peace as possible for the kids.

You sit with your children and you create a new family mission statement:

Then you help your soon-to-be-ex-husband-forever-life-partner move into a rented house a few doors down. You have family dinners, plan your family summer vacation together, and you look at each other and realize you’ve never loved each other more, bigger, truer.

And then you tell your team. You tell the people who are invested in your career. And hot damn, this is bad timing. There is fear and panic. Because you are about to launch the biggest project of your career, the book you finished a year ago, and so many have been working so hard for its release. And it’s all about your marriage. And the advice from many is: Wait, G. Just wait till after the book has launched to reveal this. This is a MARRIAGE book – you can’t break up before it even comes out! Glennon – it will affect sales. It will affect your career, your success.

And you will listen to this advice. And you will decide: No.

Like Mama T said: I was not called to be successful. I was called to be faithful.

I was called to be faithful to truth and vulnerability and to YOU. I never promised anybody I’d get it all right; I promised I’d keep showing up forever. Today. Whether I’m in the valley or on the mountaintop.

Please come close when I say this next part, it’s important: This next step is not a departure from the path of the Love Warrior. This next step is the fulfillment of it – for me, for my particular journey. Love Warrior is a book about self-trust. It’s a book about a woman who has painstakingly learned that there is a still, small voice guiding her through this brutiful life one next right thing at a time. And that the only thing she cannot do – not ever again – is betray that voice. Self-betrayal is allowing the fear voices to drown out the still, small voice that knows what to do and is always leading us home to ourselves and to truth and to love. Love is the boss of me, not fear, and certainly not “success.”

And by the way, success to me is not staying in a marriage — it’s staying in my own peace. At all costs. And so, even when it’s highly inconvenient – even when it feels CRAZY – I will listen to the voice, and I will obey it. And I will be messy and complicated – and I will show up anyway. Because I’ve fought too hard for my sobriety, sanity, integrity—and for your trust—to give it up now.

So I said to the team: We tell our people now.

And they said: Okay. Should we clear your schedule then? Revealing yourself in your writing about this is one thing, but do you want to be on stages with it? Won’t that feel too vulnerable?

And I thought about that for a while. Lord have mercy, cancelling the tour sounded good.

And I decided: No.

My family is here, now in two houses. But my family is also you.
I will not hide from you, not now. I will show up in your cities, in your churches and theaters and on stages and I will say: HERE I AM. A little busted up, but not destroyed. I will be at my weakest, but when we are weak, then we are strong. If I’m this weak, can you imagine how strong I’ll be? Damn.

Listen: Love is not a victory march. It’s a cold and it’s a broken hallelujah. So I might be cold and I might be broken but I am still gonna scream HALLELUJAH all over this country. I am going to stand in front of you with my medicated little head held high and I am going to be so busted up and broken that the light is going to pour out of me like stained glass. I know this.

Here’s what else I know: Some loves are perennials—they survive the winter and bloom again. Other loves are annuals—beautiful and lush and full for a season and then back to the earth to die and create richer soil for new life to grow. The eventual result of both types of plants is New Life.

New life. Nothing wasted. No failure. Love never fails. Never, never. Love is messy and beautiful and brutal – and Love is the whole point. So, I am not afraid, I was born to do this.

I’m asking you, please love me through this. Be my people. The world will have opinions and I need this Love Warrior Army. Please stay close.

Sister On, my beloveds. We can do hard things. We belong to each other. And LOVE WINS.

G

P.S. Since I publicly announced the trauma in my marriage four years ago, I have become a soft place to land for women in marriage trauma. I have listened to what kind of responses from people are helpful and which are hurtful. So many of us want to say and do the loving and supportive thing, but we sometimes don’t know what that looks like. So, with humility, love (and a healthy dose of defensiveness on behalf of my heart and the hearts of my warrior sisters), I offer the following thoughts:

If I don’t mention something, it’s not because I forgot to. It’s because I desperately have to find the balance here between honesty and a tell-all. Between transparency and responsibility. What I owe you and what I owe myself. There will be parts of this story I (try to) keep for myself and Craig and the kids. If you can, please resist assumptions, gossip, or asking for details I haven’t provided. I can tell you this: I feel defensive of Craig here. No one could have worked harder. There is no better father or man on earth. Craig is a hero. He is a Love Warrior. I am fiercely proud of him.

Try to avoid lamenting how sad it is that people “throw away their marriages these days.” Try not to generalize. I have met hundreds of divorced women who didn’t throw their marriages away. Most of us fight like hell for our marriages until we realize that we can either save our marriages or save our souls. So please, I’m not looking for advice. Just love and support.

Please don’t pretend to know what God thinks of us. Please think deeply about the chasm-wide difference between leaving a man and leaving God. Please remember that when a woman leaves, she just brings God with her. Nothing separates a woman or a family from God’s love. Not death, and certainly not divorce. Jesus taught us that sometimes death is necessary for there to be new life. And that God loves us far more than any institution God made for us. When someone suggests otherwise, it brings shame to us. But we won’t let that in. We are women who have become far too wise to believe in shame.

Sometimes, when people make decisions about marriage, it evokes strong feelings in others. If my news does that to you today, please look inside and get curious about whether those feelings have more to do with you and your life than they do about me and mine.

I will repeat this last one: Please stay close. I need you more than I’ve ever needed you.

1,472 Comments

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You came to my church a while ago. I read your Carry
On book then. I just finished Love Warrior. While reading it I was angered by how the church tried to push you, but not surprised. I googled you to see what else you have been up too. I missed you twice at Mars Hills, hope you have another visit soon. I love your writting and Happy for you and your whole family.

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Glennon, after knowing about you for almost a year, I just recently felt called to read your book and start following your story. I sit here in tears writing this. I’m not quite sure where the tears are coming from – whether from a place of pain, joy, relief, or inspiration – but they’re rolling down my cheeks in gratitude for finding you. I am recently divorced, from a man who, after a rock bottom for both of us, has proven to be one of the strongest, most loving, most forgiving men I’ve ever known. And yet, I struggle to understand why I just can’t be with him. I can’t explain it, I just know deep in my core, that I can’t. Not now. Not with the person I have become and am still becoming. And while I tell my kids “we are still family…just redesigned”, and still have dinners together, I feel torn because this isn’t the norm for divorced families. Aren’t we supposed to be completely separate? Your story gives me hope. Hope that we can all be warriors. We can do this right for our kids, even when we aren’t your typical family…or even your typical divorced family. Thank you. Your words speak so much to me, in so many ways. Thank you.

Modern Family is what I call it; my two teenage boys were 5 and 7 when their dad and I divorced for similar reasons to what you write about. I love him deeply and he has grown tons, remarried, and we have coparented in ways led by our hearts with the health of the boys I’m the forefront. Feels “unusual” at times, but rewarding. The boys are tremendous people, and I think letting go of what we think life should look like in favor of connecting in the moment is the key.

Stacy, I’m just seeing this months later! Thank you so much for your response. I’m so grateful when I hear about other modern families that are making it work and still get along. Your family gives me hope too. I hope my family can continue to move forward with humility, compassion, and understanding for each other even as we enter new stages of our lives – with potential new family members, new schedules, life situations, etc. Lots of love and blessings to you!

Thank you, Julie . You couldn’t have said I how feel better. And THANK YOU GLENNON ! I am not divorced, but feel like what both of you are sharing is exactly how I feel and reading these stories are inspiring me as they make me feel validated. I felt so alone in my struggle of feeling like while I’m with the most loyal, giving, selfless, loving man, but just don’t feel fulfilled. Thank you for helping me feel like I’m not crazy and this will all be okay. Thank you so much.

Misha, thank you so much for sharing. It gives me so much hope to hear stories like ours. I always thought someone was wrong with me. Why can’t I just love this person the way he wants me to love him? But I think sometimes God tells us what is right for us, and we don’t necessarily need to know the reason why right away. It will be revealed. Lots of love and blessings to you!

Glennon- I just stumbled upon YOU and your blog, and your beautiful heart by way of the interview with Elizabeth Gilbert almost two years ago now. My heart is weeping for you, but not from the sadness of separation and divorce, but that in your attempts to be authentic, brave, and broken open you had to go thru one of the happiest times and the saddest times AT THE SAME TIME. All I can say, is that YOU are brilliant and beautiful and I’m truly grateful for your words here that have literally changed the atmosphere. My hearts prayer is that now in 2018 you are walking head held high knowing that you are doing a GOOD work and I hope you feel the encouragement. All the love sister friend <3

Hey fantastic website! Doess running a blog like this require a lott of work?
I’ve very little understanding of programming but I was
hoping to start my own blog soon. Anyhow, iif you have any suggestions or techniques ffor new blog owners ppease share.

My daughter just gave me the book Carry On , Warrior.
I had not heard of you before this and I feel like we’re kindred spirits! I started a blog on Thanksgiving and was amazed at some of our matching themes.
I can’t wait to read Love Warrior. I was divorced in June from a man I still love and adore. I still can’t wrap my brain around it and we are trying to figure out the new “us” that still loves and cares for each other. I’m sure Love Warrior will be an invaluable read!!
Warrior on, new friend!!

I bawled my way through your book. It spoke to me on such a personal level. I, too, was married to a man who was unfaithful and we fought like hell to get through it. I know your pain. And I know that we have to piece ourselves together when it’s over. I am a completely different shape, but we still fit together. He has had to accept that the girl he married all those years ago is no more and will never return. What i am now is more bold, honest, brave and accepting of those around me. My hardest trial has become my greatest blessing as weird as that sounds. Thank you for sharing. May you have a life of joy and downright uncomfortable honestly!

Glennon, I finished reading your book and then this blog. I will keep it simple. You have opened my eyes to so many things I guess I already knew but would not admit. Thank you for your courage to speak about it and share with me. I’m more aware now and I appreciate that. Stay true to you and let God guide you and you will be in my prayers. God bless