Monday, December 24, 2012

T'was the night before Christmas
And all through the dojo
Pure silence. Meditation.
Listening to AC/DC on your iPod.
Getting ready for maybe the most epic battle of all time.
A battle so epic that the word "epic" looks like a pile of crap.
Apocalycious.
A whole clan of ninjas were hanging out in the trees.
Their katana blades and nunchucks were hung with care.
One of the ninjas had a Batman-style grappling hook belt.
Grappling hook belts are the best type of belt.
Any ninja would want a grappling hook belt for Christmas.
Don't be an idiot, just go down to Wal-Mart and buy one or something.

The pirates were all nestled and snug in their beds
Literally covered in the sexiest of Cuban babes
Sometimes you might see a red-head in there
Red-head pirate chicks with super hot bodies
Skilled in the ways of doing things and stuff
After plundering and being an epic pirate
Drinking rum and whiskey and dancing the Gangnam style
Because when you do that, hot chicks pay attention to you
"Surrender your booty, and sweet yoga pants by the way"
Chicks with yoga pants is always a win
Except when big redneck ladies wear them and their guts pop out.
Don't be an idiot, going down to Wal-Mart wearing huge yoga pants.

Anyways, it was Christmas eve and the pirates said "Wait!"
"I'm pretty sure they still sell booze there til 11"
And they had no idea that ninjas were on their way
Because ninjas know that pirates always run out of booze.
When they all got to Wal-Mart they didn't see each other yet.
But in a sea of zombies, they tried to find what they needed.
Zombies literally everywhere, or so they thought.
They had no idea what was going to happen at this point.
It was 10:40 which meant only 2 things.
First off, booze runs out in 20 minutes, holy crap.
And second off, Chuck Norris woke up from his 48 hour long nap.

*And now - the story of Christmas eve*

Pirates and ninjas were ready for a showdown
On the roof of a Wal-Mart during Christmas eve hoedown
The ninjas hid up in the rafters, and they heard a clatter
"What could it be?" said the pirate. "It doesn't matter"

They found dozens of Gatorade bottles, and cleaning supplies.
"There are rednecks here" the ninjas said with surprise.
Because everyone knows, every Jack, Jill and Beth
With these ingredients, the rednecks are making meth

The moon was shining, and moonshine was flowing
And in that Wal-Mart, some fat guy's thong was showing
Sure there were rednecks, but this was much less funny:
Outside there were hippies, asking for money

Now t'is the season for charity and a holiday wish
But not for smoking doobies and listening to Phish
Through the smoke my wandering eyes saw this appear:
A 1997 Ford Ranger and a bearded guy drinking a beer

Music filled the air like an angel's chorus
And the ninjas and pirates knew: Holy shit it's Chuck Norris!
Slowly approaching, zombie rednecks came
And Chuck Norris started roundhouse kicking each a-hole by name:

So the smell of incense only made him more pissed
And Chuck Norris proceeded to kiss them with his fist.
Flying through the air, each crappy hippie soared
All the way back to the drug paraphernalia store.

And then the children heard rocking up on the railing
The prancing of boots and of electric guitars wailing
Were the pirates and ninjas killing each other?
No! They were up there partying with one another

While the pirates were singing and pumping the kegs
Ninjas laughed so hard something was running down their legs
"Highway to Hell" and "Back in Black" blared
This made every redneck at Wal-Mart so scared

Because ninjas and pirates are the best around
And on each Christmas eve they take over the town
But Chuck Norris reminded us of Christmas spirit
"If you're a redneck or a hippie, I don't want to hear it"

Chuck Norris looked majestic and freakin' sweet
And he was jacked up cuz he just had 10 reindeer to eat
After going to the center of the earth to make love
And flying into asteroid belts up above

He said to the ninjas and pirates "Hey guys"
"Don't let these rednecks and hippies ruin Christmas"

THE END

Now if you're wondering why the poem stopped rhyming at the end, then you don't know anything about how Chuck Norris operates, and there's an infinity chance that you're dead at this point. Well, I hope you enjoyed this tale, Merry Christmas.

Friday, December 30, 2011

I totally haven't posted on here in a wicked long time mostly because I've been doing important stuff like ripping sweet guitar solos and making pirates crap their pants and other sweet stuff that's so insane the Internet couldn't handle how awesome it is. Anyways, I'm here to tell you amigos that there is more to come. Stay tuned, and stock up on extra absorbent depends, you may need them.

Who sucks more?

Please Enjoy This Ridiculous Crap

AC/DC RULES

NINJA FLIP VIDEOS

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PIRATES DRIVING JEEPS

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DRAGONFORCE

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THIS GLOSSARY IS AWESOME

A

Awesome - everything on here is awesome, many other things are awesome, everything else sucks

B

Beast Mode - a spiritual and transcendental state of being, where you start to dominate at levels that cannot be recorded or even predicted. Things that may occur during Beast Mode include: death, destruction, total domination, logs found on top of fax machines, and much much more.

Blankday - when Blurnsday started to suck (and boy does it ever suck) it was renamed to Blankday. This is getting ridiculous. Anyways, it's probably going to get renamed into something equally as retarded next week. Stay tuned.

Blurnsday - formerly known as Tuesday, invented by Skippy and named by Archie to deny the existence of Tuesday

C

Celular - the name of our most awesome #1 fan.

D

Domination - one of the highest forms of winning

F

Final Jeopardy - when it's time not to give an answer, but ask the question...used often at 7:54pm on weeknights; sometimes closely related to laughing parties

H

Hippies - lamest form of life ever

L

Laughing party - Event that takes place when a ninja or pirate dude has an excellent, uh, sense of humor

N

Ninja- n., pl. ninja or -jas. A member of a class of 14th-century Japanese mercenary agents who were trained in the martial arts and hired for covert operations such as assassination and sabotage. They are known for their stealthiness and ability to flip out and kill people... besides that, they totally rock out hard, ripping guitar solos so sweet that it causes mass crapping of the pants. Their common enemy is the pirate.

T

Tuesday - something that sucks

Us...a couple of complete morons with computers. otherwise known as a terrible combination.

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