Plain, plump and looking for love

Oh I know I know, it has been LITERALLY YEARS since I posted so I’m totally sure that nobody is going to see this. But maybe I will pop up in somebody’s inbox and they will remember me?

If you are still out there send me a hoy. Because guess what?

I WROTE A BOOK!!

Well, when I say I wrote it, it is finished but not finished if you know what I mean. It needs a good hard edit.

Now before you ask, no it’s not about me and my dating (mis)adventures. Although the heroine is exactly like me. Except younger. And slimmer. And cooler. And prettier. And much more adventurous. And a reality TV star. But other than that, she’s EXACTLY like me!

If there’s anyone who used to comment and care, please comment and care again because I need your help. I’ve never written a book before and I’m going to publish it on Amazon, but I want your input.

I’ve been checking on Big Dating Site obsessively over the last week or so, like an addict sweating through cold turkey and I couldn’t help myself – I accepted a date.

I was totally being picky though and had decided I wasn’t just going to choose anyone – no more heartache for Patty’s plump little heart.

And there was the kiss. All pleasant-looking and normal-sounding and younger than me (can I really tick the toy boy fantasy of the bucket list? Yay!). His profile showed a well-rounded fellow and was full of excitingly adequate spelling and grammar.

Having been all bitten and let down as you well know, I tried not to get too excited about our date on Sunday evening and slapped myself around the head every time I started fantasising about everything going perfectly and ever after and all that. So going in with low expectations, I was super pleasantly surprised to find someone who looked exactly like his profile and smiled warmly at me.

We went through two cups of coffee and I couldn’t believe it – a date that was going well! I wasn’t exactly seeing fireworks or anything, but pleasant chit chat, no inappropriate questions or comments, he didn’t ridicule the people around me and was pleasant to the waiter.

So when he suggested we grab some dinner, of course I said yes.

After we’d made our orders (I went for the claypot crab and scallop, he for the vegetable pie), he said “Actually Patty, there’s someone I want you to meet.”

Huh? Surely he didn’t think it was appropriate for me to meet his kids or his parents or something half way through our first date. For me it’s still about four dates too early to even introduce someone to my cat Irony.

He clasped my hands and looked into my eyes. “I want to introduce you to your saviour, the Lord Jesus Christ.”

Now, I’m all for religious tolerance, live and let live and all (hey, some of my best friends are believers), but I don’t believe in god. It says ‘atheist’ right there on my Big Dating Site profile. His, I recall, said ‘Christian (other)’.

“Um, thanks,” I said, “but actually I’m an atheist. It says so on my profile.”

“I know,” he said. “That’s why I asked you out. I want to save you, Patty. I want to save you from an eternity of burning in hell.”

“Thanks again, but I don’t believe in hell, so I’m really not worried about going there.”

“I’m going to help you open your heart to God,” he assured me.

Do you see what he did there? Totally on-purpose stealth mission in waiting til we ordered food before revealing the crazy. Nothing up to then suggested he was on a mission and now I was stuck there!

“I’m sorry,” I said, “I’m really not interested in talking about religion. Can we talk about something else?”

“Without God there is nothing else. I don’t know what Satan did to lure you away, but I’m here to help you find your way back – back to your saviour the Lord Jesus Christ.”

“I really don’t want to talk about it.”

“Don’t be afraid. You’re a sinner, Patty. And sinners need to be saved. I can help lead you on the path to salvation.”

Someone at a table nearby got their claypot crab and scallop and it looked and smelled absolutely amazing, bubbling away inside a proper clay pot. Meanwhile, my date was busy quoting some sort of scripture to me. How come when zealots quote scripture they pick the weird passages that are all wishy-washy and don’t seem to make any sense? Whereas non-zealous Christians quote the cool things Jesus was supposed to have said which are hard to disagree with, because Jesus sounded like a pretty cool lovey hippy dude, unlike his Dad who sounds a bit crazy.

“Look,” I finally snapped, desperately hoping dinner would be here any minute and really glad I was pretending I wasn’t a total piggy and so didn’t order dessert at the same time. “To me religion is a fairy tale. Let’s just agree to disagree, can we?”

“It’s evolution that’s the fairy tale, Patty. Satan has poisoned your mind.” All the while he was smiling at me in an oh-so-pleasant but-maybe-not-all-there manner. “But you can be saved.”

It was pretty obvious that this wasn’t going anywhere any good, but I really wanted my dinner now, especially as I’d have to pay for it anyway. So I decided to ask him some questions about whether he believed the bible literally (“I believe the Bible is the word of God”), how did he explain the inconsistencies (“There are no inconsistencies if you read it with a pure heart”) and so on to fill in time until my dinner came.

The crab and scallop claypot was worth the wait, but a bit hard to enjoy as I scoffed it down in record time. I could see people around me doing that “tut tut, and she probably wonders why she’s fat” thing that skinny people do.

So did he ever actually want to go on a date with me? It seems he uses Big Dating Site stalking atheists and looking for souls to save. I wonder if that gets him some sort of fast track to heaven or a better job when he gets there or something.

So apparently wicked, sinful me can look forward to burning in the fires of hell for all eternity. But so long as there’s claypot crab and scallop there, I can deal with that.

So I’m still checking Big Dating Site daily because, let’s face it, it’s kind of addictive. Today I got a kiss from someone whose profile is so over-the-top I can’t really believe it’s real. I really really want to go on a date with him to see if he’s a troll or doing a social experiment on women with low enough self esteem or something.

I’m not sure it’s quite kosher doing this, but here’s a copy and paste from his profile:

I DON’T HAVE A PICTURE, ONLY CLASSY,INTELLIGENT,ELEGANT FIT & CONFIDENT WOMAN TO RESPOND, NO TIME FOR TIME WASTERS,TIMID & WOMEN WHO LACK SELF ESTEEM.

Hmm… good start.

Read before you reply: QUALITY IS A MUST coz i am cut above most(QUALITY &CLASS). NO CHRONIC USERS AND IF you CAN FIND ANY ONE BETTER GO FOR IT, DONT WASTE MY TIME IF YOU ASSUME THAT I WOULD MEET YOU TO QUENCH YOUR CURIOSITY,YES IF I LIKE WHAT I SEE I WILL COME FULL ON, IF YOU CANT HANDLE IT DONT BOTHER.

No, the phrase ‘serial-killer-rapist’ didn’t just pop into my head. Why do you ask?

I EXPECT THE LADY TO BE PREPARED/RECEPTIVE TO BE WOOED BY A TOP QUALITY MAN,

Yes, but do you expect her to be receptive to being ‘wooed’ by you?

I am 44 and not 43 as my profile states, not sure how that happened & couldn’t be bothered to change.

My guess is “couldn’t be bothered” actually means “don’t want to admit I couldn’t figure out how to do it”

I HAVE NO STAMPS , IF YOU INTERESTED PLEASE FREE TO EMAIL ME, PROMISE YOU WONT EVER BE DISAPPOINTED.(just been honest)

True to his word, his ‘kiss’ was one demanding I spend the money to contact him.

I am happy confident man please all i ask is the same in a lady.Read on:

I bet all the folks on here are wonderful humans, but WHY is it that woman(the mature ones) are so Timid,LACK CONFIDENCE and INSECURE to face reality- does this site make instant relationships(laughs) it does worry me when a woman is expecting something instant, she should know better that wont last Or do these women feel intimidated when a man asks for class & style.

I think he could possibly be mistaking timidity and insecurity for sheer unadulterated terror in women’s face-to-face interactions with him

I am a Happy man

Yes, I can tell. Joy de virve oozes from every pixel

& a ALPHA MALE,

Did you hear something? It seems to be going “Warning, warning! Danger Plump Patty! Danger!”

seeking to meet a HAPPY LADY.Articulate, well mannered,Vibrant,light hearted, decent, fun loving, cool (wicked) sense of humour in short a gentleman or you can say a cheeky cute spunk. My two love’s Travel-Music .Looking for the third to complete my love triangle. I love to go out and dine and explore the exotic cultures that the world has to offer-A romantic gentle soul.

Really, he doesn’t need to spell out how articulate and light-hearted he is. I mean, I totally picked that up from the profile.

Dont send me a reply saying” It wont work between us” gee we dont even know each other, and how could any one predict that.

I’m not sure there’s a crystal ball in the world that’s malfunctioning enough not to get this one right…

What I want to say is I hate it when I don’t feel particularly enamoured of someone for perfectly legitimate reasons – and I imagine, judging from her post there are plenty of said legitimate reasons I would not particularly want to hang around Samantha – and that person, or even other people, tell me I’m just jealous because she’s prettier than me.

Aaargh! Nearly everyone is prettier than me. If I refused to be friends with all women who are better looking than me I’d only ever be hanging around with trolls or Samantha Brick. (Oops I promised myself I wouldn’t go there. Oh well, too late now. Meow meow, I’m just jealous).

But this old chestnut comes up all the time, even though I don’t actively hate anyone – who could be bothered expending that kind of energy? But if I do express ambivalence for someone and they are in the 98th percentile of women who are better looking than me, then surely the ONLY reason could be that I’m jealous, right?

This despite the fact that I can point to empirical evidence that I have gorgeous women friends.

Grrrr… anyway, just had to vent. Will update on my dating adventures soon.

So the reason I haven’t updated lately is because I’ve been sitting on my couch like a blob of mashed potato watching back-to-back episodes of Revenge with a selection of gourmet ice cream tubs (which I’ve been sharing with Irony, but not too much because I don’t want him turning into a Plain Plump Pussy). Wallowing, I tell you. I’ve been wallowing. It’s not an attractive look.

The catalyst for the wallow was a series of uninspiring, awkward and downright depressing dates. See, before this little experiment I was able to convince myself that what my best mate Kate said was true – that I have all this inner beauty stuff going on that will shine through and enamour unsuspecting dates. But then I went out with Critical Man.

Maybe I should’ve read between the lines when he said he likes a woman who ‘takes pride in her appearance’ in his profile. But I figured he’s seen my photos and I do try to make the best of what I have to work with, which is why I put myself through the torture of the dodgy spray tan clinic (it’s still true – brown fat looks better than white fat, proven scientific fact) and do things like shower every day and don’t wear tracky dacks outside of the house.

But anyway, as usual, my Dating Alarm was malfunctioning and so I met Critical Man for a weekend afternoon date at a café.

After the cute young waitress took our order, Critical Man shook his head and said “I don’t know why they let girls with tattoos work in the service industry. They look so tacky.” Her tattoo, mind you, was a pretty innocuous little symbol of some sort on her upper arm and didn’t look too offensive to me at all. I made a little lame “I liked it,” comment and he glared at me and told me in no uncertain terms that tattoos were like a big neon sign that the wearer has no class.

I’d ordered a muffin because I was hungry and I do like me a muffin, once I get over comparing their shape to the lower half of my body. I’d kind of fooled myself that I was the only one who noticed this phenomenon, but Critical Man looked at the muffin, looked at my tummy area, then back at the muffin.

“Are you sure you want to eat that?”

Well, yeah I was sure – it was white chocolate and raspberry. Who wouldn’t be sure? I defiantly took a big bite, but then it stuck in my throat and I began to cough and a little bit of white chocolate catapulted out and hit him. I think I was more sorry about missing out on that bit of white chocolate than the assault committed on my date though.

Critical Man then proceeded into a diatribe of how losing weight was all about having respect for yourself and calories in vs calories out and if I just had a little discipline I would be able to get myself down to a desirable weight.

Disrespectful, undisciplined me defiantly wolfed down the rest of my muffin, told him I’d rather be a bit on the plump side than a balding, big-nosed, over-critical loser and left. Not my proudest moment maybe.

So that led to the downloading of the entire first season of Revenge, the propping up of the ice cream industry and the vow to never log on to Big Dating Site again.

But then a girlfriend introduced me to meetup.com and took me along to a couple of drinks events. Meetup.com isn’t a dating site – it’s just a social site, and so far I’ve had a lovely time. So maybe that’s another avenue for Plain Plump Patty. I’ll let you know how it goes.

Thanks so much for the messages of support and for thinking of me when I haven’t been around for so long. xoxo

So next date was Sunday afternoon. Because I was so nervous getting back into the game, we’d been bantering back and forth in instant chat for several days. I knew better than to get my hopes up too much, but the banter was really good. What girl wouldn’t swoon for a conversation like this:

Me: “What are you doing?”

Him: “Searching the couch for rubber bands and refrigerating them.”

Me: “Um, okay, I’ll bite. Why?”

Him: “They last longer that way.”

(I googled this later by the way and it is totally true.)

Me: “What do you use rubber bands for?”

Him: “I don’t really, but I figure if I need one it’ll be better if it lasts longer.”

Okay, so that was one of the more bizarre examples, but generally banter was lighthearted and speedy and we didn’t run out of things to say to each other.

Anyway, I arrived at the little pub and found he was the only person there, sitting in a corner, looking pleasingly like the photo of him, if a little smaller than expected. But I’m used to that.

I went over and introduced myself and he smiled and nodded. He already had a drink, so I ordered a beer from the bar and joined him.

“So, how’s your day been?” I asked.

“Good.”

“What have you been up to?”

“Nothing much.”

I waited for some more, but no more was coming. He just sort of sat there with this little smile on his face looking anywhere but at me.

“Rubber bands all frozen?”

Another smile, but no answer.

I sat there for 20 minutes trying to get something – anything – out of him. But every response was monosyllabic and gave me no opening for anything else. Finally I made my excuses and left.

I arrived home to a message from him: “I had a great time. Can I see you again soon?”

Well, I’ve finally accepted another date for next week after firing a little under a hundred emails at the guty, each one cleverly designed to catch him out in lies and inconsistencies that might let me know whether he’s married cheating scum. I finally decided I was happy that he probably wasn’t married cheating scum, but a perfectly normal man who might be worried about the state of my mind after questions that stopped just short of “can you please send me a high-res full colour photograph of your left hand on today’s paper” (you know, to check for tan lines).

But that’s next week and I feel obliged to update the blog anyway, so I thought I’d put together a little list of things I’ve learned in online dating world so far.

Don’t trust anyone who has password-protected photos. Sure he might have a legitimate reason (the types of workmates that would email a link to the entire supply list, or being part of the witness protection program or something) but I bet he’s married or at least hiding something. Not worth it.

I’m probably not going to get along with anyone who uses 4u in their username. It just makes me think they’ve got a bunch of ‘adult’ site logins like ‘horny4u’ or ‘bigdick4u’ and have kept the pattern going on Big Dating Site with ‘niceguy4u’.

Anyone wearing a baseball cap in all his photos is bald. We girls are totally onto this trick, but believe it or not, most of us really don’t care about a lack of hair unless you actually hide a tragic comb-over underneath that cap. Then we might care a little bit.

The bloke who likes to “spoil his lady” probably has “old fashioned values” and wants “a woman who’s not afraid to be a woman.” In other words, he’d like it to be the 1950s and wants me to fetch him a sammich and beer and then leave him alone til it’s time to clean up.

Anyone who wants a “partner in crime” is severely lacking in imagination. And the discretion needed to pull off a really cool crime.

There are an awful lot of ‘senior managers’ with zero command of grammar, spelling or punctuation. And who find it appropriate to use text speak in their profiles.

There is a super secret dating site math code you need to crack. The one for reading the boys profiles is:

Add ten kilos to his weight

Subtract 3 inches from his height

Multiply his age by 1.5

Divide his income by 2

8. I’m not even going to mention the whole spacial perception of 9 inches thing…

Now that’s out of my system, I totally plan to have a nice rest of the weekend and try my best not to view any incoming kisses with suspicion