Thursday, April 24, 2008

Welcome to the Peverett Phile, the web's most updated blog. If you're wondering, what's up with the green text, well, this is the Phile's green entry. Everything else is going green, so why not the Phile? So, last weekend we went to KSC, Kennedy Space Center, and I was so excited, I thought we were going to KFC. I love those chicken legs and bisquits. And that mash potato and gravy. Hmmmm. This year, for the first time in yonks, I am not going to be working Star Wars Weekends. Bounty hunters can take a break from looking for me this year. Edward Laurens, the father of the chaos theory, died last week. His services will be held someplace completely random. There’s a woman on YouTube talking about her divorce. She signed a prenup, married a Broadway producer, got divorced and now she’s unhappy with the settlement. When I heard this I was shocked. A Broadway producer marrying a woman?!? You don’t want to fight with a Broadway producer. He might send some of his powerful Broadway friends to mess you up — like the cast of “Cats” or something. Sens. Clinton and Obama debated in Philadelphia. Their 21st debate. Which to me, is about 16 too many. On the Republican side, John McCain has been feeling a little left out. He organized a debate against himself. The good news is the opinion polls show he leads himself 52 to 48 percent. Huge earthquake in the Midwest. A 5.2. A 5.2 in L.A. is like when Nicole Richie’s stomach growls. Last weekend, Chelsea Clinton tried to help her mother attract the gay vote in Pennsylvania by visiting several lesbian bars. When asked to comment afterwards, Chelsea said, “I’ve never seen so many women with my mom’s haircut.” President Bush made a special taped appearance on the game show “Deal or No Deal.” Afterwards Bush said, “I like this show because randomly pointing at boxes is how I make decisions, too.” Pope Benedict finished off his visit to America yesterday with a mass at Yankee Stadium. After the mass ended, the Pope was traded to Cleveland for two outfielders and a designated hitter. Paris Hilton has signed up to star in a new TV show about taking care of your pets. In the first episode, Paris shows herdog the proper way to hump someone’s leg. The Pennsylvania Democratic primary is over. It all came down to the Amish vote. Hillary won. They say that in order for her to stay in the race, she had to win and win big. And she did. The numbers are still coming in, but at last count she led Barack Obama 54 percent to 46 percent. Which, I guess, is big. But she still has almost no chance of winning the nomination. I don’t know anything. This is just what I hear on television. The candidates have been on pretty much every TV show. Even Tyra Banks became an important stop. It got as weird as it could get short of all three candidates showing up on Maury for DNA tests. All three candidates showed up on Raw. WWE. That’s the wrestling show. I’m not kidding. Each made a ridiculous wrestling-themed statement. McCain said, “Whatcha gonna do when McCainiacs run wild on you?” I don’t know . . . organize a bingo game? It was so nice out today that the Pope is coming back. It was so nice, Donald Trump opened the sunroof to his hair.It was so nice, Hillary Clinton wore her pantsuit without the pants. It was so nice that Amy Winehouse gave that thing on her head a flea dip. Finally, Tuesday was Earth Day. Politicians all across America did something to mark Earth Day. For instance, President Bush was photographed with a shovel, and former President Clinton was photographed with a hoe.

THE PEVERETT PHILE TOP TEN LIST

From the home office in Groveland, Florida, here is this week's top ten list...Top Ten Signs Katie Couric Doesn't Care Anymore10. She now does the broadcast in her bathrobe and curlers9. She introduces the new members of her news team: Jim Beam and Jack Daniels8. Reports the over/under on how many days she has left7. Has listed her anchor chair on eBay6. Was eating a hamburger off the floor during live broadcast of the Pope's arrival5. Laughs out loud every time she says "Putin"4. Asks every guest, "Do you know what the hell is happening on "Lost"?"3. "Tonight's top story: Some stuff I found in my pocket"2. Tapes entire week's newscasts on MondayAnd the number one sign Katie Couric doesn't care anymore is...1. Just repeats everything Brian Williams says about three seconds laterNATION OF SHOPKEEPERS

A foul smell permeating London and parts of England over the past two days is due to farmers on the European continent spreading manure in their fields, forecasters and British farmers said Saturday. The agricultural odor is inescapable in central London and smells vaguely of farmland or even garbage. Forecasters said a stiff breeze from the east is carrying the smell across the North Sea from Belgium, the Netherlands and even Germany. They said the smell is likely to hang around through the weekend as the easterly wind continues. "You can't say it's going to smell for two days, but the wind is coming in from the same direction," said Chris Almond, a forecaster with the Met Office, Britain's weather service. "It's not really until Monday, Tuesday that we'll see a change in the wind direction, with a more marked improvement in air quality."He said the smell had probably been stagnating in those countries for a few days, resulting in a more pungent aroma once the winds brought it to England. The National Farmers' Union blamed the smell on the muck-spreading by Dutch farmers, who it said are banned from the practice in the winter and are now spreading it "en masse."Although the smell may be unusual, the phenomenon of European air spilling its contents over England is not, forecasters have said. "We quite often get pollution in the form of haze coming over when we've got these winds from [an] easterly direction, particularly when the winds are coming off the near-continent," he said.Almond said the smell is in much of central and eastern England, and has reached as far west as Devon, on the southwestern tip of England, where his office is located.London newspapers reported the smell on their front pages Friday afternoon, with one paper branding it "Le Stink." The farmers' union used the odor to make its case against a similar winter ban proposed on muck-spreading in Britain. "This is what happens when farmers are forced to empty their slurry store all in one go at the same time instead of being able to apply it little and often during the winter," spokesman Anthony Gibson said. "While we are obviously very sorry for any unpleasantness caused to people living in the South East, we are grateful to the Dutch farmers for laying on such a pungent demonstration of what could happen every spring here in the UK if the government presses ahead with its ill-conceived proposal to implement a blanket ban on winter slurry spreading across most or all of the country." Maybe one of the Spice Girls threw her underwear out the car win... Never mind this joke is going nowhere.

APRIL 24TH IN HISTORY

1928The Supreme Court of Canada declares that though women are indeed legal "persons," they are nevertheless ineligible to serve in the Canadian Senate. The Court agreed that the term "person" applies equally to humans of both genders, but the British North America Act referred specifically to "fit and qualified persons" -- necessarily excluding unfit and unqualified people (aka females).1934The present incarnation of actress Shirley MacLaine is born.1967Cosmonaut Vladimir Komarov soon becomes the world's first space mission fatality after his Soyuz parachutes become entangled four miles above the Earth.1980A mission to rescue 53 American hostages from Tehran fails; 8 US soldiers are killed.1993An IRA bomb causes $1.5 billion of damage in central London when it destroys several square blocks. One person is killed and 40 injured.1995The Unabomber strikes, killing a timber industry lobbyist. Gilbert Murray is killed in his Sacramento office, opening mail addressed to the man he replaced.1997A petri dish arrives in an 8x10 manila envelope at the Washington, D.C. offices of B'nai B'rith International. The dish, labeled "anthracks," drips a liquidy red gel which is later determined to contain a relatively harmless strain of Bacillus cereus.

RIDICULOUS LIES YOU WERE TAUGHT IN HISTORY CLASS

Newton and the AppleThe story we heard: You've probably heard of Isaac Newton. He's pretty much the Jesus of physics. In the late 17th century, Newton practically fucking invented science. The discoveries we can thank him for include the laws of motion, the visible spectrum, the speed of sound, the law of cooling, and calculus. Yes, all of goddamn calculus. One wonders if anybody in history ever had a thought before Newton. Probably his most famous discovery, however, is the law of gravity. The story goes that Newton, a modest mathematician and professor of physics, was sitting under the shade of an apple tree one sunny day, when an apple dropped from a branch and bopped him right on the head. While most people would merely think "Ouch! Son of a bitch!" and stare warily upward for 10 minutes, Newton's first instinct was to formulate the entire set of universal laws governing the motion of gravitating bodies, a theory so sound that it went unchallenged and unmodified for over 200 years. The truth: Newton never mentioned the thing with the apple, and in fact it was another guy named John Conduitt who first told the story some 60 years after it supposedly happened. Even then, he was decisively vague about whether Newton actually saw an apple, or whether the apple is a metaphor that he used to illustrate the idea of gravity for people less intelligent than he was (read: everybody): "Whilst he was musing in a garden it came into his thought that the power of gravity (which brought an apple from the tree to the ground) was not limited to a certain distance from the earth but that this power must extend much further." You'll notice that even then we don't get the thing with the apple actually hitting Newton in the head, it got added somewhere along the line to add the element of cartoonish slapstick to his genius life. Future versions will say that Newton then vomited in agony. I like to think complex discoveries happen this way, with a sudden light bulb popping on over our head. Kind of makes it seem like it could happen to us one day, the next great idea will just occur to us while we're wasting the afternoon on a park bench. In reality, Newton spent the best part of his life formulating and perfecting his theories. When we have kids, we're going to tell them the truth, dammit. Just Newton, hunched over his piles of papers covered with clouds of tiny numbers. Just months and years of tedious, grinding, silent, lonely work, until he had a nervous breakdown and finally died years later, insane from Mercury poisoning. Welcome to the real world, Logan.

CANNED LAUGHTER

A trucker is driving down the highway when he hears a loud thump under his semi. He stops to check the damage, then calls his boss. “I hit a pig on the road, and he’s stuck under my truck,” he explains. “What should I do?” “Shoot it in the head,” answers theboss. “Then pull it out and throw it in the truck.” The driver does it, then calls his boss back. “I did what you told me,” he explains. “So what’s the problem?” snaps the boss. The driver replies, “I don’t know what to do with his motorcycle.”

IDOL

Is there a real disadvantage to going first on "American Idol" or is it just speculation? On the girls side, Asia'h and Kady sang first and second and were eliminated as quickly. Also eliminated were Luke, who sang first, and Danny who sang third. But it took the elimination of Michael Johns, considered by some one of the strongest competitors, a couple of weeks ago after he'd sung first to get the attention of major media. How could it be that someone who'd never spent a moment in the bottom three could suddenly find himself on the chopping block? I think people may have finally noticed his Robin Williams-like hairy arms. But ratings on the show do tend to tick up as it progresses, meaning many of the folks who are watching when it ends and the phone lines open missed the first few performances. How can they vote for those people? (The same way they vote for politicians without knowing anything about them *badump-bum*). Well, far be it for me to bitch about a problem without offering the solution, too. Nick Straguzzi, who co-founded WhatNotToSing.com and analyzes "American Idol" data so the likes of you and me don't have to has found that in 69 finals episodes, 20 singers in that lead-off spot have been voted off. That's seven more than would be expected based on statistical probability. This year, in the first six weeks since Top 12 competition began, four times the number one slotted performer has been in the bottom three, twice being eliminated. "The No. 1 slot is by far the most dangerous for finalists," Straguzzi says. I would add that the next few slots beyond that don't fare much better. But a possible solution is really quite simple. It doesn't take long to record a live show and have it available for streaming online, hell pirates can have a TV show online within minutes of it's ending. So why doesn't "American Idol" stream the full performances on their website? I know they worry that it will hurt the ratings of the show, so make them available only during the two hours the phone lines are open for voting. They could eliminate the judges' commentary and all the other fluff and they should find that most viewers will still want to watch the whole show on television when it originally airs. But for those who were out or late getting home, they'd then have an opportunity to go somewhere and see how Michael did on that performance. More of us have computers than DVRs still and this would go a long way to addressing what even executive producer Ken Warwick says is "a little bit" of a disadvantage to those contestants performing first.

DOCTOR WHO

Originally broadcast at the 2007 Christmas Special on the BBC, Season 4 (or Season 30, depending on who you ask) kicks off with "Voyage of the Damned" on the Sci Fi Channel. Apparently, showrunner Russell T. Davies wanted this year's "Doctor Who" Christmas Special to have a disaster theme, so he used a name from one of the most famous disasters in history. The episode begins where the season 3 finale left off, right after the Doctor's previous traveling companion Martha Jones leaves him after they defeated his arch-nemesis, the Master (and after the events of Time Crash). It seems that the Titanic (or rather, a Titanic) crashes into the hull of the TARDIS when he forgets to raise the ship's shields. We quickly learn that the Titanic in question is an intergalactic space cruise ship that is taking some tourists on the "Earth experience." Granted, it is traditional in the long history of "Doctor Who" that most of the alien species in Whoniverse look human, but I do wish SOME sort of explanation was given regarding this, such as the cruise ship's travel agency changing everyone's appearance and language (with the exception of a short, red individual named Bannakaffalatta) to give them a richer Earth experience. Oh well. There's always fan fiction However, as with all the Doctor's experiences, he can't be in a place for ten minutes without the Earth or the universe being in danger. Apparently the former owner of the company named Max Capricorn is trying to bankrupt his former business and has bribed the ship's captain to magnetize the hull so that meteors could collide with it. The result would be a catastrophic collision between the cruise ship and Earth that would destroy both. Australian pop star and actress Kylie Minogue is the Doctor's ad-hoc companion for this episode. She plays a hostess on the ship named Astrid Peth (I had hoped there would be more to her character since "Astrid" is an anagram of TARDIS, but apparently that was just a coincidence). It wouldn't be the first time a pop star was the Doctor's partner on the show, since previous companion Billie Piper (who played Rose Tyler on the first two seasons of the relaunch) was one in England before joining the cast. So disaster strikes; and to make matters worse it seems that the robot butlers of the ship (dressed as angels and armed with homicidal halos) have been given orders to kill all the inhabitants of the vessel (a very "Robots of Death" moment for fans of the classic series). Clive Swift of the Britcom "Keeping Up Appearances" plays Mr. Copper, a tour guide with a very skewed view of Earth's history and culture, and relatively known Brit actor Bernard Cribbins makes a cameo (he will appear again in the next episode.) Both Bannakaffalatta (whom could be described visually as "mini-Darth Maul") and Max Capricorn are cyborgs. I wonder if it's a subtle set-up for the return of a certain "Doctor Who" cyborg adversary at the end of the season? Well, perhaps not. The Whoniverse has an overabundance of killer robots and cyborgs anyway. The episode is a disaster movie in the vein more of The Poseidon Adventure than of Titanic (with a little Ghost thrown in for good measure). Astrid is not the first Who companion to die, but it's a shame the character couldn't last longer so the audience could grow more attached to her. It seemed kind of silly that Queen Elizabeth, without seeing anybody on the spaceship, knew who the Doctor was and that he was the one to save Buckingham Palace from impact of the falling cruiser. It does make sense that she knows who the Doctor is, given his involvement in British history, but...ah well. It's the Christmas episode. For that, we will engage in the cutting of the slack. To be honest, I didn't like the episode overall. David Tennant was excellent as the Doctor, as usual. The supporting cast was also superb. The visual effects of the crashing ship were stunning. However, a good television program always begins with the writing and with that, the story fell flat. Russell T. Davies, while I appreciate his role in bringing back "Doctor Who" to the airwaves, just can't write science fiction. He writes wonderful characters, but his sci-fi plots seem hackneyed. The previous Christmas Specials played up the humor of the series and allowed for the sci-fi aspect to be somewhat deemphasized (these specials are intended as lighter, more family-oriented fare anyway). As a result, Davies' inadequacies as a sci-fi writer weren't as visible and the previous specials were better viewing as a result.Still, I'm looking forward to the season. We have the return of the Ood, the Sontarans, the wonderful Catherine Tate as Donna Noble and...well, that would be telling.

WHO WATCHES THE WATCHMEN?

See, this is why I like Zack Snyder so much. He's always involving the fans, and he does it in the right spirit. Now, he's partnered with YouTube to encourage Watchmen fans to enter a new contest and submit commercials for Veidt Enterprises. His intro video explains all, and from there you can see what Veidt product moves you. Snyder has supplied all the product framework, all you creative types have to do is cobble together a commercial. The ones he likes best will win all sorts of prizes (which hopefully you'll give to me), as well as a chance to appear in the actual film. There are two samples up now for you to get an idea; one is for Veidt's Nostalgia cologne (80's flashback indeed!) and the other is for a sneaker. If anyone enters, please keep me updated! I want a Peverett Phile reader to appear onscreen! More information on rules and such can be found at http://www.youtube.com/user/watchmenmovie. It's nearly as fun as the grindhouse trailer one Quentin Tarantino and Robert Rodriguez did. Watchmen opens on March 6th, 2009.

MOVIE BUZZ

The SpiritThere's a teaser trailer that shows the titular hero living with some cats, then putting on his trademark fedora and bright red tie to dash over city rooftops with feline grace and agility. He then uses up one of his nine lives when his neckwear snags on someone's fire escape. Green ZoneA spy snuck onto the set of the new Matt Damon film, took some nice photos and claims that the American military is not helping the production because it is critical of the Iraq invasion. So instead, the shoot has to disguise Moroccan military equipment to make it look like it's U.S. made. Wait a minute. Morocco has an army? Enchanted 2It's no surprise that Disney is planning a sequel to last year's monster hit, but the debate is whether it will feature Amy Adams or if it will have a brand new starescaping from a totally different animated world. Personally, I'd like to see characters escape from the only X-rated cartoon ever made, Fritz the Cat. Henry Poole Is HereIn the trailer, Luke Wilson's home becomes a site for religious pilgrimage when he finds the face of Jesus in his stucco finish, which, of course, finally proves that God does indeed hate aluminum siding.

Well, that's it for a very green Phile. Next week, it's the start of the second May Movie Month with Iron Man. So, spread the word, not the turd, and remember... Tomorrow! Tomorrow! I love ya Tomorrow! You're always a day a way!

Friday, April 18, 2008

Let's fight some ballerinas. Just kidding. They could probably kick my ass. Welcome to another entry of the Phile, an entry I almost forgot to do. I worked late tonight and that screwed up my whole damn schedule. I was about to go to bed when I realized, shit, I forgot to update the Phile. John McCain has said that if he were president, he would boycott the Olympic ceremonies this summer in China, not because of China’s human rights record, but because the ceremonies start at 8 o’clock and he goes to bed at 6:45. Barack Obama was on “The View” a couple of weeks ago, and they couldn’t stop talking about how sexy they found him. Apparently he’s not the only candidate they’ve got the hots for. John McCain made an appearance. Barbara goes nuts when she gets a whiff of Aqua Velva. In England now, you can buy a $100 cup of coffee — or as Starbucks calls it, half off. According to his tax return, last year Vice President Cheney donated over $166,000 to charity. Most of the money went to Cheney’s favorite holiday charity: “Coal for Tots.” This should be philed under Florida: America's Wang, but two 55-year-old women were arrested for robbing banks while dressed as ninjas. If they’re convicted the women could be given 10 years in prison and a Lifetime movie of the week. China is recalling thousands of pairs of novelty “Hillbilly Teeth” because the teeth may contain lead paint. When he heard that China was recalling the Hillbilly Teeth, President Bush said, “OK, now I’m boycotting the Olympics.” The Olympic torch was in San Francisco. It was a huge event. They had to call in the Coast Guard. Actually, that’s just San Francisco. Any excuse to get the sailors in. I heard John Cleese from “Monty Python” has offered to help Barack Obama write his speeches. That’s just what you need, Obama. Actually there’s a lot of comedians that write for presidents. Larry the Cable Guy has been writing for George Bush for years. There are rumors that Condoleezza Rice may be John McCain’s vice presidential nominee. It’s a good move. A lot of people think she’s the female Hillary Clinton. It was Tax Day on Tuesday. Did you do what I did? At 11 o’clock Tuesday night, I took20 minutes to make up a bunch of numbers. Put them in an envelope; drove around until you find one of those post offices that was open until midnight. No problem. Are Hot Pockets deductible? It’s tax time. I saw this the other day: The United States government takes a third of your money. A third. My God, it’s like being married to Heather Mills. They had the London Marathon over the weekend. A guy ran it — 101 years old. When I saw that, I said out loud, “Way to go Regis.” A new survey says that 98 percent of historians consider the Bush presidency a failure. On the upside, this is Bush’s highest poll numbers in years. Northwest Airlines and Delta Airlines are planning to merge. Their goal is to be able to cancel more flights than American Airlines. If the deal goes through, they will be the world’s biggest carrier. If you don’t count Pamela Anderson. John McCain apologized after admitting some of the McCain family recipes posted on his Web site were actually plagiarized from the Food Network. How many different recipes can there be for prunes and creamed corn! I apologized today on the Disney Channel that my monologue was plagizrized from jokes from late night shows. Rob Lowe is in the news. He’s been accused of inappropriate behavior by his nanny. This means it’s only a matter of time before Rob Lowe announces that he’s going to run for governor of California. Snoop Dogg announced he is writing a series of children’s books today. Is that really a good idea? “Horton Hears a Hootchie Mama.” “Green Eggs & Blunts.” The legendary Ferris Wheel from Santa Monica Pier has just been put on ebay. On sale to the highest bidder. If you’re not from the L.A. area, the Santa Monica Ferris Wheel is an L.A. institution. Like the Hollywood sign, the Chinese Theater, or rehab. And last but not least, my girl Kristie Lee Cook was eliminated from "American Idol" last night. I have been bummed about it all day.

PEVERETT PHILE TOP TEN LIST

From the home office in Groveland, Florida, here is this week's top ten list.Top Ten Ways to Make the 2008 Baseball Season More Exciting10. Exotic dancers on each foul pole9. Hit the batter, win a taco8. Games in Pittsburgh will feature actual pirates7. Replace 7th inning stretch with 7th inning grope6. Replace batting helmets with sombreros5. If a player falls into the stands, you get to keep him!4. Bullpen cars driven by Lindsay Lohan3. Stop testing for steroids, start testing for who watches "The View"2. Three strikes are you're deadAnd the number one way to make baseballs eason in 2008 more exciting... 1. Two words: vibrating cups

R.I.P.

Ollie Johnston: Nine Old Men...now None Old Men.

FLORIDA: AMERICA'S WANG

The Apopka home where a reality television show was being filmed illegally also was used earlier this year to broadcast live streaming sex acts for an adult-entertainment Web site, police said. Production of the never-aired "Pauper to Princess" show, about downtrodden women who wished to be transformed, came to a halt during the weekend after four women fled the home and called police. They claimed the show's producer, 33-year-old Marc Brilleman, held them against their will and prevented them from calling their families. Brilleman was arrested and charged with false imprisonment and was later released on bond. Dream House Productions, run by a trio of Seminole County investors who operated both the reality show and the live online porn site, began filming its Princess show in February after holding two auditions at the University of Central Florida and Cowboys Orlando, a country-themed bar.The show's Web site promised the winner would receive $50,000, the use of a BMW sedan for a year and a modeling contract. "Our goal is to make these girls somebody. To help them grow physically, mentally and spiritually," intones an adult male voice on a promotional trailer on the show's Web site. "It is about changing our eight paupers' lives so that they can change the world." Metropolitan Bureau of Investigation officials say the house on April Lane had been on their radar for months."We got a tip about four months ago that this was being peddled on the Internet as the X-Rated Dream House," said MBI Commander Paul Zambouros. "It had Web cameras all over the house," which could be viewed for a fee. The site shut down almost as soon as MBI undercover agents subscribed to it, Zambouros said. Shortly after that, the production company decided to shoot the reality TV show. Whatever was being filmed in the residence was violating city rules, according to Apopka police. Dream House Productions apparently never approached Apopka City Hall, which routes all requests to film in the city through the Economic Development Commission of Mid Florida Inc.'s Motion Picture and Television divisions, said police Chief Chuck Vavrek. "Pauper to Princess'" executive producer James C. Johnson said he approached various agencies, but staffers told him no permission was needed to conduct a commercial operation in the residential neighborhood. Brittany Pranther, the show's youngest contestant, thought a bit of good luck had graced her when she was chosen for the show. She was promised $500 a week during the 13 weeks of filming, she said. Pranther, 19, wanted to win the prize money to help her disabled mother, Natalie, get better health care, she said. Her mother has suffered four strokes and two heart attacks in the past five years, leaving her unable to work. Because Pranther and the other contestants were never paid the $500 a week she said they were promised in their contracts, she lost her car. Her mother's eviction notice gave her until today to get out of her rented Orlando home. "If anything, it made us worse," Pranther said of the show meant to raise her self-esteem. "I feel more hurt because he knew that we all grew up with that kind of past, and he did it again." She is now working 16-hour days at two jobs, trying to get back on her feet. Mark NeJame, an Orlando attorney representing Johnson, said the contracts clearly stated that the women would be paid $500 a week, which would kick in after the sixth week of work. He presented a contract Monday stating that, and also that the top three finishers would receive a bonus of $1,000 after the 13-week commitment. The show was being made, NeJame said, in the hopes that a network would pick it up at some point, but no deal had been reached. Johnson hired NeJame on Monday after Johnson said the contestants broke their contracts with him and were not telling the truth about the show. Pranther said the contestants became wary of the show's legitimacy in recent weeks after inadvertently discovering a sex tape on a memory card in one of the production company's cameras. Until then, the women had attended modeling classes, etiquette training and worked out with a personal trainer at a Bally's gym near Orlando. They even performed community service at the local Ronald McDonald House. "For the most part, they seemed pretty legit," Pranther said, adding that businesses would shut down and allow them to film in private. Pranther and two other women left the show voluntarily last week after finding the tape. On Saturday, MBI's vice squad responded to the house at the request of Apopka police to determine if the young women had been held against their will as sex slaves. "One of the girls hit the wrong button on the memory card and they saw their chaperone" . . . having sex with another woman on the kitchen counter, Zambouros said. "The girls were shocked. They said, 'Oh, my God, that's where we eat breakfast.' " That chaperone, Tamika Jackson, 27, said Monday evening that she told the girls weeks ago about her "indiscretion," and they told her they respected her nonetheless. "There's no dispute that an adult Web site was streaming for a short time," NeJame said. But the previous use of the house had nothing to do with the G-rated reality TV show being filmed there until Saturday, he said.

APRIL 17TH IN HISTORY

1792The Guillotine is tested at Bicetre Hospital in Paris, decapitating a sheep and a number of human cadavers.1943My dad was one day old. 1961In an effort to overthrow Fidel Castro, 1,500 Cuban exiles make a series of amphibious landings at the Bay of Pigs. After it becomes painfully obvious in just a matter of hours that the forces were trained, equipped, and armed by the United States, President John F. Kennedy withholds necessary air cover. In three days of fighting, Cuba captures 1,197 of the rebels and kills approximately 200.1965The FBI Laboratory in Washington reports their inability to make out the vocals on the hit single "Louie Louie." Thus, the Bureau is unable to determine whether the record constitutes obscene matter.1969A Los Angeles jury convicts Sirhan Sirhan of assassinating Senator Robert F. Kennedy. Sirhan receives a death sentence, but it is later reduced to life in prison.1974Vinnie Taylor of Sha Na Na dies of a smack overdose.1984London police officer Yvonne Fletcher is shot dead and ten bystanders are wounded when a gunman in the Libyan Embassy opens fire on a crowd of protestors gathered outside. One week later, the British government cuts off all diplomatic relations and the Libyans are deported. The Libyan Government finally "accepts general responsibility for the behaviour of its diplomats inside its London Embassy at the time of the shooting" in July 1999, and pays an undisclosed sum to Fletcher's family.1997After a newspaper publishes photographs of Belgian paratroopers committing human rights violations during a 1993 UN peacekeeping mission in Somalia, Belgium's Defense Minister Jean-Pol Poncelet announces that the elite fighting unit may be disbanded. The photos depict one soldier urinating on a Somali corpse, and two men swinging a child over a campfire by the wrists and ankles.

RIDICULOUS LIES YOU WERE TAUGHT IN HISTORY CLASS

Einstein Flunked Math The story we heard: Motivational speakers love to tell this tale, inspiring underachievers with the story of this German kid who was just like you! Despite his sincerest efforts he could never manage to do well in his math exams, and struggled desperately with physics while working as a lowly patent clerk. That muddled kid grew up to be Albert Fucking Einstein! And if he can do it, then so can you! The truth: Well, no you can't. As it turns out, Einstein was a mathematical prodigy, and before he was 12, he was already better at arithmetic and calculus than you are now. Einstein was in fact so fucking smart that he believed school was holding him back, and his parents purchased advanced textbooks for him to study from. Not only did he pass math with flying colors, it's entirely possible that he was actually teaching the class by the end of semester. The idea that Einstein did badly at school is thought to have originated with a a 1935 Ripley's Believe it or Not! trivia column. There's actually a good reason why it's a bad idea to include Robert Ripley among the references in your advanced university thesis. The famous bizarre trivia "expert" never cited his sources, and the various "facts" he presented throughout his career were an amalgamation of things he thought he read somewhere, heard from somebody, or pulled out of his ass. The feature's title probably should have been: Believe it or Not! I Get Paid Either Way, Assholes. When he was first shown this supposed expose of his early life, Einstein allegedly just laughed, and probably went on to solve another 12 mysteries of quantum physics before dinner. By the time he finally kicked the bucket in 1955, it's entirely possible that "failure" was the one concept that Albert Einstein had never managed to master. Of course, this just reaffirms what we have always suspected, deep down: success really is decided at birth, and your life will never be better than it is right now. Sorry about that.CANNED LAUGHTER

A mild-mannered man was tired of his wife always bossing him around, so he went to a psychiatrist. The doctor told him he had to develop self-esteem and gave him a booklet on assertiveness training, which the man read on his way home. When he walked through the door and his wife came to greet him he told her, “From now on I’m the man of this house and my word is law. When I come home from work, I want my dinner on the table. Now go upstairs and lay me some clothes on the bed, because I’m going out with the boys tonight. Then draw my bath. When I get out of the tub, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?” “The undertaker,” she replied.

WHO WATCHES THE WATCHMEN?

Two action figures from the upcoming Watchmen movie have debuted over at Entertainment Weekly. This is sure to fuel the "Zack Snyder is screwing it up!" flames because there's no paunch on Nite Owl. He's boasting a lean and muscular frame, and a very shiny costume. However, I am willing to take a wait and see approach -- maybe this is a very young and fit Nite Owl, a figure from his glory days. Hmm. They did successfully sculpt Patrick Wilson's jaw, though. Two additional figures are going to be unveiled at the New York ComicCon on April 18th -- I'm betting Oxymandias (especially since he had his own line of action figures in the book) and the Comedian, but the temptation for a near-nude Laurie may prove more tempting to sculpt. They don't go on sale until January 2009, but they will market for the very reasonable price of $14.99. I cannot wait. I will post pics of the action figures on Myspace.com/peverettphile in a few days. Watchmen will be released on March 6th, 2009.

MOVIE BUZZ

Austin Powers 4Gisele Bündchen is reportedly auditioning to be the female lead opposite Mike Myers' groovy superspy. Although, I'd much rather pay ten bucks to see Gisele score the role in a catfight with other supermodels with funny accents, like Heidi Klum, than actually sit through another Powers outing. Star Wars: The Clone WarsIn a cool extended trailer for the animated film, Yoda sends Anakin Skywalker on a mission to rescue Jabba the Hutt's son. However, when the young Jedi finds his target, the Dark Side compels him to pour some salt on the poor little space slug.Ghost in the ShellSteven Spielberg's DreamWorks studio has acquired the rights to make a live-action American version of the popular Japanese anime about a female cyborg cop who must catch an Internet predator. In the new version, she lures her prey out with a provocative MySpace profile in which she describes herself as 34, lonely and with a pair of bionic legs capable of crushing a man's back. Fast and FuriousIt's finally been confirmed that both Vin Diesel and Paul Walker are returning to the car-racing franchise, but this time, they have to team up to defeat a common enemy. The film also has an official title, as you can see in the title above, and producers say they're spending so much money on the action scenes that they can't even afford to put the "the"s in the name. The WacknessThe first trailer focuses less on Ben Kingsley and Mary-Kate Olsen's romance and more on Nickelodeon star Josh Peck trying to lose his virginity. That's a bold move for the kids'-show actor where the raciest thing he ever did on "Drake & Josh" was go to school with a hickey on his neck and finally confess the mark was actually the result of a vacuum cleaner mishap. Speed RacerThere's yet another trailer for the Wachowski Bros. film, except this one features five minutes of eye-popping action scenes. The racing sequences are so colorful and dynamic they look like what would happen if a Crayola and a Matchbox-car factory both puked at the exact same time.Untitled Jackie Robinson BiopicRobert Redford is teaming up with ESPN to produce a film about the first African-American to play major-league baseball. Unfortunately, they'll be updating Robinson's story for the modern age, making him the first black guy to shred the slopes on a snowboard at the X Games.

LOGAN AND I GO TO THE MOVIES

We went to see Nim's Island, starring Abigail Breslin (who Logan has a crush on), Jodie Foster, and Gerard Butler. The story of an online friendship between a woman pretending to be a man and the little girl she travels a long distance to visit. OK, sorry, that's the "To Catch a Predator" version. It's actually about a little girl named Nim who lives on an island with her marine biologist father (Mom was eaten by a whale, no joke). When Dad gets lost at sea, Nim gets on the Internet and begs her favorite writer, "Alex Rover," who turns out to be Foster, to come help. Your enjoyment, if you're over the age of nine or so, will depend on how much you can indulge the idea of helpful animal pals who not only fetch life-saving tools and food for their favorite humans, but who also understand English and offer sensitive commentary in their respective animal languages. And if that spoiler didn't sound totally nuts to you, then you'll be fine. If, however, you want your kid-venture films to seem like they could really happen, and you'd like an explanation of how a child can fix solar panels on a tree house and rig up pulleys and catapults, or how a man lost in the ocean can build a catamaran from driftwood, then perhaps you should see a documentary instead. After Panic Room and Flight Plan and The Brave One, it's kind of nice to see Foster go back to her live-action-Disney-movie childhood. She's not riding around on the back of an ostrich or hurling coconut bombs at the bad guys, but it'll do. And she looks kinda hot in a wet tank top. Logan loved the movie, but after five minutes I wanted to get off Nim's island. I give it a four out of ten.

There, kids, another entry of the Phile. The next entry will be on the 24th, unless I forget. Until then, spread the word, not the turd, and remember... life is a highway, I'm gonna ride it all night long, life is a highway and I'm gonna ride it all night long.

Thursday, April 10, 2008

Hello, and welcome to the Peverett Phile, I am your host, Jason, the Prince of Dorkness. So, did you miss the Phile last week? I was in Washington D.C. and Pa. on vacation where I licked the Washington Monument and pissed in the woods in Gettysburg. So, we landed in Dulles Airport, or as I like to call it Dull-Ass. On the way to the hotel we went through Georgetown, a rich surburb on D.C. In January it'll have to change it's name to Baracktown. At that same time the White House will become the Black House and whoever becomes the Vice-President, his initials will take place of Dick Cheney's initials in Washington D.C. As I mentioned I licked the Washington Monument and just for the record, it tasted nothing like sugar. It's so cool that thy named the large river going through D.C. after Apples first computer, the Poto-Mac. In Union Station everyone was called brother or sister, which I didn't understand at all. The worse part of the trip was going down the Hershey Highway to Pennsylvania, but that's what I get for licking the world's biggest phallic symbol. It was Spring time in Washington, and construction workers were giving the Lincoln Memorial a bikini wax. Just a few days away from tax time. The governor and Mrs. McGreevey had a four way with H&R Block. The Clintons just released their tax returns. Over the past eight years, they’ve donated over $10 million to charity. When they asked Bill Clinton why he gave so much money to charity, he said, “She’s a really good dancer.” Barack Obama is narrowing the gap in Pennsylvania. His campaign is pulling out all the stops. His campaign office is giving away tickets to Dave Matthews concerts. Apparently, this is Barack Obama’s attempt to win over really white voters. President Bush wasn't in D.C. when we were there, he was in Europe. He had a meeting with Romanian Prime Minister Popescu Tariceanu. Or, as Bush calls him, Pop Tart. John McCain says he has 20 names on a list of possible vice president candidates. Unfortunately, most of the names on the list are characters on “Matlock.” There was a letter found written by Abraham Lincoln. It’s dated 1864. Very beautifully written. It starts out, “Dear John McCain . . .” Barack Obama has announced that his campaign raised $40 million in March. Also this week he got the endorsement of Jane Fonda. You win some, you lose some. The Rolling Stones have a new movie out. It’s at some IMAX theatres. Keith Richards runs that band. He says that’s all he ever wanted to do: play guitar. He has music in his blood . . . along with a bunch of other things. Naomi Campbell is in trouble again. She was arrested at Heathrow Airport for spitting at a police officer. I guess that two-day anger management course she took last year really paid off. Bobby Brown is writing an autobiography in which he says he never used cocaine before he met Whitney, which is weird because the title of the book is “I Used Cocaine Before I Met Whitney.” According to a new poll, 81 percent of Americans think the country is on the wrong track. The other 19 percent own gas stations. Canada just announced they may boycott the summer Olympics, because of China’s treatment of Tibet. When asked about the boycott, Canada’s prime minister said, “I’m very angry at China — plus we suck at summer sports.” Jay-Z and Beyonce — it has been confirmed: they finally tied the knot. They got married. If you want get them something, they are registered at “Bed, Bath, & Booty.” Last night, all three presidential candidates appeared on “American Idol.” Randy Jackson, Paula Abdul and Simon Cowell, looked at them and said, “Wait — there’s a black guy, a white woman, and a cranky guy. You stole our formula.” This week Madonna announced that she’s going to adopt a child from India. She already has one from Africa. When she heard about it, Angelina Jolie called Madonna and said, “I’ll see your India and raise you a Thailand.”

THE PEVERETT PHILE TOP TEN LIST

From the home office in Groveland, Florida here is this week's top ten list.Top Ten Circus Clown Pick-Up Lines10. "My nose isn't the only thing that is oversized"9. "The shoes are the only thing that's floppy"8. "Would you like to put your pie in my face?"7. "The human body has two funny bones, want another?"6. "Your tent or mine?"5. "Can I peek under your Big Top?"4. "Ever been 'stuffed' in a clown car?"3. "You're the most beautiful woman without a beard I have ever seen"2. "My flower isn't the only thing that squirts"And the number one circus clown pick-up line 1. "Give me three minutes and I'll give you the Greatest Show on Earth"

APRIL 10TH IN HISTORY

1848250 people die in a bridge collapse in Yarmouth, England. They had gathered on the suspension bridge to watch a clown boat be pulled by a flock of geese.1917133 people are killed in an explosion at the Eddystone ammunition factory in Chester, PA. Satan is immediately implicated, with one official declaring the blast to be "the result of a diabolical plot conceived in the degenerate brain of a demon in human guise." It later turns out to have been caused by poorly-maintained powder loading machinery.1919Mexican revolutionary leader Emiliano Zapata and his bodyguards are shot to death after being lured to a meeting by army colonel Jesus Guajardo. For his deception, Guajardo collects a reward of 52,000 pesos and is promoted to the rank of general.1942Approximately 66,000 Filipino and 11,796 U.S. soldiers near the Philippine town of Mariveles surrender to Japanese forces. Unable to feed their wounded and starving POWs, the Japanese opt for the 61-mile "Bataan Death March" to mitigate the problem.1945Buchenwald death camp liberated by U.S. forces.1947Agents of the FBI pay a visit to Screen Actors Guild president Ronald Reagan and his wife, actress Jane Wyman. They accuse the couple of belonging to Communist front groups. Reagan quickly agrees to become a secret informer.1992Comedian Sam Kinison killed in a car accident.1997The Jerusalem Post reports that high rabbinical sources have confirmed the birth of a rare red heifer named Melody in a kibbutz near Haifa. The ashes from such a beast will be needed to ceremonially purify any Jews before they would be permitted to enter the former site of Solomon's Temple in Jerusalem. At present, the parcel is occupied by the Dome of the Rock mosque, which is located on the spot where Muslims believe that Mohammed rode his horse into Heaven. The goal here is to reconstruct the Hebrew temple, but this would necessitate tearing down the mosque, virtually guaranteeing outright war between Israel and the Arab world. Even more ominous, the construction project is a necessary prerequisite for the second coming of Christ, which itself involves all the End Times stuff in the book of Revelation. Melody is the first red heifer in 2,000 years, and quite possibly the last.2003FBI agents raid the Noonday, Texas home of avowed white supremacist William Joseph Krar. Upon searching the domicile and some rented storage units, the agents turn up an arsenal including briefcase bombs with remote-controlled detonators, full-auto machine guns, silencers, nearly 500,000 rounds of ammunition, a 1953 military land mine, more than 800 grams of sodium cyanide, and a copy of The Turner Diaries. Krar later receives 11 years for possession of a dangerous chemical weapon.

R.I.P.

Charlton Heston: Isn't that our cue to pry the rifle out of his hands? How cold do they have to be?

FLORIDA: AMERICA'S WANG

Most Florida residents would be allowed to take guns to work under a measure passed by Florida lawmakers on Wednesday. The bill, allowing workers to keep guns in their cars for self-protection, was approved by the Florida Senate by a vote of 26-13. It now goes to Republican Gov. Charlie Crist to sign into law. Backed by the National Rifle Association and some labor unions, the so-called "take-your-guns-to-work" measure would prohibit business owners from banning guns kept locked in motor vehicles on their private property. The measure applies to employees, customers and those invited to the business establishment as long as they have a permit to carry the weapon. Backers say the measure upholds the vision of the authors of the U.S. Constitution, who made the right to bear arms part of the Bill of Rights. "The second thing they wrote about in that constitution was the right to bear arms," said Sen. Durell Peaden, a Republican from Crestview, Florida. "It was what was dear in their hearts." The measure exempts a number of workplaces including nuclear power plants, prisons, schools and companies whose business involves homeland security. Critics say the measure usurps business owners' rights to determine what happens on their property and puts workers and managers at risk from disgruntled employees. Dozens of workplace shootings occur every year in the United States, and studies have shown that job sites where guns are permitted are more likely to suffer workplace homicides than those where guns are prohibited. "This is an attempt to trample upon the property rights of property owners and attempt to make it more difficult to protect the workers in a workplace and those who visit our retail establishments," said Sen. Ted Deutch, a Boca Raton Democrat. I have to say--what the fuck? I like my guns as much as the next guy--provided that guy isn't Ted Nugent, but bring your guns to work? Hells no!

RIDICULOUS LIES YOU WERE TOLD IN HISTORY CLASS

Columbus Discovered the Earth is RoundThe story we heard: In 1492, a Spanish ponce by the name of Christopher Columbus won his long-standing feud with the monarchy and the Catholic church to get funding for a voyage to East Asia. They were afraid that he would fail spectacularly, because everybody knew that the Earth was a flat disc, and the direction Columbus was sailing in would cause him to fall off the edge and into the mouth of the giant turtle that supported it. Columbus, as we were told, did fail to reach his destination, but not because the world was flat--it was because he crashed into the future greatest nation on Earth, baby! Thus, Columbus proved the world was round, discovered America, and a national holiday was born. The truth: In the 1400s, the flat-earth theory was taken about as seriously as the Time Cube theory is today, if not less so. The shape of the world has been pretty much settled since the orb theory was first proposed by the ancient Greek philosopher Pythagoras, around 2,000 years before the existence of Spain. In fact, the navigational techniques of Columbus' time were actually based on the fact that the Earth was a sphere. Trying to navigate the globe as if it was a flat plane would have fucked up the trip even more than it was. The Spanish government's reluctance to pay for Columbus' expeditions didn't have anything to do with their misconceptions about the shape of the world. Ironically, it was because Columbus himself severely underestimated the size of the Earth and everybody knew it. The distance he planned to travel wouldn't have taken him anywhere near Asia. Nevertheless, he eventually scraped together enough funds to embark on his ridiculous adventure, and the clusterfuck that was the Columbus voyage has been celebrated annually in the Americas and in Spain ever since. So where did the myth come from? It began with author and historical charlatan Washington Irving, who wrote a novel about Columbus in 1838. The novel was fiction, but some elements managed to creep into our history textbooks anyway, probably by some editors who wanted to spice it up a bit. Who's going to read a history book that's just filled with a bunch of boring shit anyway?

WHO WATCHES THE WATCHMEN?

Zack Snyder has released the first video journal for Watchmen, and it's airing exclusively over on ComingSoon.net. There are eleven more to come, each to be released on the 6th of each month, every glimpse bringing us that much closer to awesomeness or total despair. Journal #1 is all about the set construction and we get glimpses of everything from Doc Manhattan's lab to The Comedian's apartment. I'm honestly blown away by the level of detail they have achieved here. I think everyone was expecting Snyder to fill in with blue screen, as he did before, but everything has been constructed from scratch which fills my heart with joy. The CGI of Hot Gates may have been a grand sight, but there's just no replacing good old fashioned movie making. (I'm going to echo a friend of mine and say what a smart choice it was to hire Alex McDowell!) I'm really loving that one shot we get of The Comedian chilling in his apartment, chomping on his cigar. We all know what comes next, and it is just eerie to see it living and breathing. One of the reasons I really dig Snyder is that he always seems happy to include fans in his film making process. I loved every single video diary he released from 300 -- from how they made King Leonidas's horsehair crest, to watching grown men cry in building those eight packs. Not many of us get access to film sets, and I find it exciting to watch a film come together. I'm overjoyed that we get to do the same with Watchmen. Of course, the movie is already complete so you can only bite your nails, hoping this isn't just a bunch of whitewash. (On the geek forum I frequent, there already "But it's totally different than panel number . . ." Incidentally, for those still frustrated by the look of the character stills, Snyder has directed you all here for an explanation.) Watchmen opens March 6th, 2009. If he has screwed up the comic book adaptation of adaptations, Snyder will be going into hiding somewhere around 1:00pm that day.

GEEK TALK

It's been quiet on the X-Men Origins: Wolverine front -- too quiet. I demand a new publicity still! But since Hugh Jackman doesn't listen to me (and why should he?), this is all I've got for you. There's been a new casting addition. According to his personal website, British actor Scott Adkins has landed the role of Weapon 11. What a hodgepodge of comics this is going to be! Weapon 11 first showed up in Grant Morrison's New X-Men series, which turned the whole Weapon X story inside out. Turns out, Logan wasn't just Weapon X because it sounded cool -- he was the tenth in a long line of Weapon Plus experimental super soldiers. It caused a bit of controversy and still does, especially as various Marvel characters are revealed to be Weapon Gazillion in every other issue. The odd thing is, no one knows who Weapon 11 actually is. We just know he is a badass who has managed to beat Sabretooth senseless, which is no small feat. But now we know it was a guy named Scott Adkins. Mystery solved! Second, Marc Guggenheim has been added as a writer. I just saw this in an interview with Guggenheim about he and Jackman's Nowhere Man series, and thought it was old news. Apparently not! Lastly, if you're a Daniel Henney (who's playing Agent Zero) fan, a Carson City newspaper did a nice little feature on him and his upcoming role in Wolverine. It seems the casting decisions were just as rapid and unexpected to the actors as they were to us. Henney and his manager received the summons from Fox, and sat down with the casting director the next day. "We sat down and she explained the basic premise of the film to me. I had no idea at this point that the director, producers, including Hugh Jackman, and executives at Fox had already made a decision on me. They had somehow seen some of my past films and thought I'd be right for the role. So after having all that explained to me, and four coffees later, she said that the role was mine if I wanted it." This is going to be one busy movie. Weapon Plus, poker games, Silver Fox, Team X, Gambit, Beak . . . perhaps it will be a three hour epic. There's still Mariko Yashida and Madripoor for the sequel. X-Men Origins: Wolverine opens May 1st, 2009.

MOVIE BUZZ

The SpiritTest photos have popped up showing off Scarlett Johansson in a sexy nurse outfit. She's a terrible caregiver though. For every male patient she administers aid to, she can't figure out why they all have high blood pressure.Quantum of SolaceThere's a whole slew of new promo photos, including ones where Daniel Craig appears to tower over his co-star Mathieu Amalric, who plays the lead baddie. They have such a difference in height that the climactic fight scene will include a lot of scenes of the nefarious villain trying to kick James Bond in the shins.Iron ManThe promotional train keeps on rolling for the superhero flick, and this week we've seen both a ton of new photos and a clip of Robert Downey Jr. flying in his armor for the first time. I think at this point if you strung together all the trailers, TV spots, clips and pictures that have been released so far, you could recreate the entire movie, like Tony Stark welding his iron alter ego together.Where the Wild Things AreKanye West stopped by the Jim Henson studio and snapped some pictures. Then, Kanye went on a tirade screaming about how he's more famous than the Muppets and that he deserves to have a Muppet more than anybody else. So, he grabbed the fuzzy monster and stormed out. The Dark KnightIn character as Rachel Dawes, Maggie Gyllenhaal gives a speech in support of Harvey Dent in an odd viral video. The only thing more surreal than this fake campaign video was when Chuck Norris was campaigning for Mike Huckabee for real.The Incredible HulkA new "first look" featurette includes an interview with director Louis Leterrier where he talks about how much he was inspired by the '70s TV show. He was so inspired, he originally wanted to make the film using a bodybuilder in a bad green toupee who left green makeup stains on everything he touched, but the producers eventually talked him out of it.EmmeThe name's slightly different, but there's going to be yet another adaptation of Jane Austen's classic novel. This time the action will be set in an "urban" environment and the movie will be filled with an astounding 15 music-and-dance sequences. When asked what originally attracted them to Austen's story, the producers said, "The book has a story?" TriageWhile doing research for his new film in which he plays a war photographer, Colin Farrell said he was "sickened" by a trip to Bosnia. He said he hadn't seen the horrible effects of such chaos and devastation since he was on the set of Miami Vice. Tokyo Gore PoliceThis over-the-top Japanese film doesn't have a U.S. distributor yet, but it does have a really gross, totally NSFW trailer that has over five minutes of extreme bloodletting. There's so much blood and goop flowing out of people's faces in it, the trailer's only slightly less gruesome than the mornings I spent as a teenager popping zits in the mirror.

LOGAN AND I GO TO THE MOVIES

Right before I went on vacation Logan and I went to see Superhero Movie, starring one of Logan's favorite celebrities Drake Bell, and Sara Paxton, Christopher McDonald, Leslie Nielsen, Kevin Hart, Marion Ross, Brent Spiner, Jeffrey Tambor, Robert Hays, Tracy Morgan, Regina Hall, Craig Bierko, and Pamela Anderson. So, I've grown to despise the word "spoof." All it means now is someone doing a Johnny Depp-as-pirate impersonation or making fun of Tom Cruise jumping on a couch. In this movie, it means sending up straightforward superhero movies with tired jokes. It also means more Cruise gags. And some farting. OK, lots of farting. It no longer matters that the guys behind this have a somewhat classier pedigree (ScaryMovie) and aren't the same culture criminals that belched forth Meet the Spartans, EpicMovie and Date Movie. The template is nearly the same and the jokes are just as weak, if slightly less insultingly stupid. Logan loved it where people were bonked on the head. That's pretty much the bulk of the comedy here. In fact, nearly every scene features someone being injured, which is — see credits above — a minor comedic step-up from the Meet the Spartans approach of "Hey look, it's that guy from Borat!"I liked Anderson but she's got about one minute of screen time. And she's the Invisible Woman. The first three minutes of the movie I wanted to hang myself, but Logan and everyone else in the theater laughed their heads off. From 1 to 10, I give it a 2. Logan gives it a 10 and cannot wait for it to come out on DVD.

There, kids, a long Phile. Hope you missed it last week. The next entry will be on the 17th, unless I get thrown in jail. I have to go to court on that day and fight my speeding ticket I got on Jan. 1st. In the meantime, check out the Myspace.com/peverettphile page that has almost 200 pictures from the trip to D.C. and Pa. Until next week, spread the word, not the turd, and remember... don't say a prayer for me now, save it 'til the morning after. No, don't say a prayer for me now, save it 'til the morning after.