Just as millions of other women did this summer, I decided to read the popular soft-core BDSM novel Fifty Shades of Grey. Given many of my gal pals ripped through the entire series in no time, I thought it would be a real page-turner. It took me three months to finish that book. Three months I’ll never get back.

The first half of Shades had me hooked, as I declared in this blog post. But as the story continued to repeat itself and the scenarios became a little on the boring side, I found it hard to get through. Several of my friends said to me just wait….hmmmm girl just you wait. With the turn of each page I anticipated something gloriously filthy. A little snippet of saucy literature to store away in my spank bank. Sadly, I was completely misled.

One would have to maintain a pretty vanilla sex life to find anything in Fifty Shades of Grey particularly sexy or shocking. Which makes perfect sense, as I suspect most of us are having vanilla sex. With all this blessed sexual freedom we enjoy in the western world, one would think giving someone a good rogering with a whip or depriving your lover of sight and sound while you torment them is kind of textbook. This past Halloween I dressed up as – you guessed it – a cowgirl. My boss swung by my desk, picked up my handcuffs and asked me if they were real. Of course they’re real. The plastic ones are far too easy to break.

On the positive side, men all over the world are reaping the benefits from the mass distribution of this book. A male friend of mine told me he couldn’t be more thrilled with the results Shades is yielding him in the bedroom. All of a sudden, girls are gagging to be bound, spanked and shackled. Something that, a few years ago, was about as common as a one-night stand inviting her twin sister to join you for a three-way. He’s even gone as far as to bolt shackles to the wall next to his bed to ensure he’s completely prepared for this new influx of deviants.

I’m not pooh-poohing a plain old roll in the hay. But the response to this book is a sobering reminder that we may have let our lovemaking get a little too PG. Get out there and pick up some anal beads, a ball gag and boil your lube to a toasty temperature. Surprise your lover in a latex dress with nipple clamps. Think outside of the box (no double entendre intended). Because remember, sex is supposed to be fun and freeing…and hot.

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