Sunday, 1 May 2011

In a confusing and word-filled world, one blogger has the balls of steel to lay down the facts for you- the intelligent public. Yes that's right folks: this is the one place in the entire universe where you'll find the collated facts from both sides of the argument that will let you make a well-informed and carefully considered random decision on the future of the voting system in the UK, and therefore the well being of the entirehumanrace.

Because that's just how important it is. I've flipped a fair, unbiased and politically neutral coin and it's told me sternly to start with the 'No Campaign'. Or as they're popularly known:

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!(!!!!) TO AV

So what are the key points on this side of the political fence? Let's lay out the facts about this so-called 'Alternative Vote' which the so-called opponents to democracy have dared to suggest will be right for our so-called country.

AV IS COSTLYThat's right you poor bastards. This system of voting is so ridiculously expensive it'll cost an average of TWENTY FIVE BILLION pence. This is because voting would only be able to take place on brand new multi-quintilliion gigaquad quantum touchscreen voting implementation devices.

HOW THE FUCK ARE PEOPLE MEANT TO COPE?

You wouldn't spend money on a massive cake instead of your dying son would you?Eh?Would you?Well that's what this is. AV is killing children. We don't need computermabobs. We need Hospitals, Libraries, Spaceships, and Computers.

AV IS COMPLEX AND UNFAIRSee this?

This is science. PROPER REAL SCIENCE. And AV is worse. SO much worse. Look at this smart guy. He's smart and he's totally mindfucked by this shit:

WHAT THE HELL??????????

If you think of elections like a race, would you let the last person win? That would be insane right? Well that's what the Alternative Vote system would safeguard. The ridiculous rules ensure that the combination of the party with the lowest share of the highest alternative choice of vote automatically becomes the lowest high vote party in the system.

THAT MEANS THE LOWEST VOTES ALWAYS WIN!

Do you want some nutty right-wing nazi party in power? I thought not.

AV IS A POLITICIANS' FIX

So are you happy with our government now? Well with AV, because the idiots in the general public can't agree, we might end up with more of the same government we have now. Every time we have an election the politicians will just throw all the votes in a massive bin (marked 'Rubbish') and then have a massive game of spin the fucking bottle to decide who gets power. Like, literally. I asked them. It's true.

And let's be honest: the last people we want to trust with important decisions about the country are the politicians. Because they're arseholes.

See that? Cocks! It's funny because it's offensive!

In conclusion, AV is a disgusting crime against our country and you must join us to stop its spread. No to AV is supported across the galaxy by businessmen, pensioners, plumbers, farmers, Jews, police officers, theatre producers and Jesus. Join them in their campaign of righteoususness®

And now for the other end:

YES! OH DEAR GOD YES TO AV!!

Before you start reading this, you'd better not be on the 'No' campaign. Anyone who even considers voting against this is a degenerate and an enemy of freedom. Only a Nazi would get in the way of this sort of progress.

AV IS THE SYSTEM OUR COUNTRYMEN DIED FOR

This, is Boris McBritsoldierguy:

Poor old man =(

He fought in all three World War Twos, and died for his country. He told us that every time he's ever voted in a General Election, his party hasn't won. Ever. Not once. This is the disgusting legacy of First Past The Post voting, where our veterans are being denied the very democracy they fought for. How ghastly. Sickening even. And all manner of other words.

AV is the only way we can absolutely guarantee that old well-meaning war heroes get their vote recognised.

Did you know?

.... that when our young men enlisted in the war against fascism, they actually signed an oath promising: "To fight for our country, our people, and the Alternative Vote system"?

AV MAKES MPS WORK HARDER

Your member of parliament is typically a lazy fat shit who doesn't care about you or your children. But under AV, they would have to work harder. Why is this? Well the reason is complex and involves scary concepts like numbers and explanations, so here's an easy way of visualising it:

How much more patronisingly obvious could it be? Don't just sit there: vote for real stuff.

AV IS THE ONLY WAY TO STOP EXTREMISTS AND TACTICAL VOTES

In case you hadn't noticed, every single council in the UK is currently ruled by extremists; Nazis, Communists, and evil Thatcherites. This is because FPTP gives people no choice: if they don't want the Tories, Labour Party or Lieberal Democrats in power they have to employ evil tactical voting tactical tactics. What's that I hear you ask?

IT MEANS VOTING FOR THE BNP INSTEAD.

This is why the BNP are currently in charge of everything and we've seen a massive rise in racial superhate megadeathcrime. True. You know any black people? Best start saying goodbye to them.

Unless you vote AV, that may be the last newspaper he ever reads.

If you vote 'no' on AV, you're basically encouraging people to murder black people. That's why the KKK have thrown their weight behind Cameron and his satanic cartel of evildoers. Do you want that?

Well?

Do you? Do you want that? Is that what you want? Is it?ISIT?? ISTHATWHATYOUWANT?THINKWHATYOU'REDOING!!!!!

You FUCK.

Basically, when the day comes, just think with your head, and vote however you think is best for the country. Which is blatantly a yes for AV. SERIOUSLY GUYS THERE ARE SO MANY REASONS! WHY ARE WE STILL LOWER IN THE POLLS?

Well there we go. I've spent literally a long, boring couple of hours typing out this shit so that you guys can make the most sensible opinion of your lives. Just vote the right way (whatever that is) else God will kill all the people you love. With fire. It matters.