FIVER LAUREATE MARKS HISTORIC ACHIEVEMENT WITH DOGGEREL

The Fiver loves it when a story comes full circle. As our regular reader, you, may be aware, this season's Capital One Cup has, ironically, consisted of a series of belts in the mouth for the big-money bullies. Arsenal, Spurs, Liverpool, Everton and Manchester City have all been dumped out of the competition by teams with much less cash than them, and now, after the jaw-bothering events of yesterday evening involving Bradford City, we're halfway to the dream final everyone's been hoping and praying for: Not Aston Villa versus Not Chelsea!

Vicious capitalist oppressors Villa had hoped to crush Bradford, of the Fourth Division, for that is what it is, under the wheels of industry in the second leg of their semi-final. And they sort of did for a while, Christian Benteke pulling back one of the two goals Paul Lambert's side required to turn around their first-leg deficit during a first-half siege. However when James Hanson levelled things against the run of play early in the second half, Villa, to a man, touched cloth, and could only muster a late goal from Andreas Weimann by way of reply. Sorry, 1982 European Cup winners! Not good enough! Bradford – sensationally and deliciously – had made it to Wembley!

"These lads will be remembered in the history of Bradford City for years to come," began proud Bantams manager Phil Parkinson's thundering oratory. "There's a 1911 Lounge at the club to celebrate the FA Cup victory of that year. Well, in years to come, there will be a lounge named after this cup run and these players because of what they've achieved." Hear hear! The Fiver raises a glass in the Fiver Social to that! For whatever happens in next month's showpiece showdown against either Chelsea or nation's favourites Not Chelsea, a fourth-tier team reaching a major final is the sort of stunning achievement that resonates down the ages. Everybody, after all, fondly remembers the only other side from the Fourth Division to do so: Rochdale, staunch runners-up of the 1962 League Cup.

And here's where our story comes full circle. Hanson, last night's hero in football's never-ending battle against rampant capitalism, used to stack shelves at the Co-op (which incidentally is what Paul Lambert will be doing soon). And where was the Co-op founded? That's right, Rochdale, by that grand old town's famous Society of Equitable Pioneers! Such is the monumental scale of this event, an emotionally overwrought Fiver has penned the following poem to mark the occasion:

Oh Rochdale PioneersYou had not capitalist peers

Your peers wore cloth capsWhich did not quite fitThey had to work hardDown the pit

They spent their lives being pr1cked aroundWhether down the pit or overground

Actually, we probably should have mentioned football in there somewhere. It's a bit Bradford-lite, too, isn't it? But you get the gist. And tonight, Swansea City look to become the second unfancied side to reach the final, as they embark on their efforts to hold onto their first-leg lead over vicious capitalist oppressors Chelsea at the Liberty Stadium. Admittedly, should Swansea prevail, this one won't be quite as sizeable a shock as Bradford's amazing win, as the Swans are a Premier League team, but let's not forget they themselves were in the Fourth Division, which is what it is, a mere eight years ago. With two goals in the bag, and Michu today agreeing a new four-year contract with the club – "I am living a dream here at Swansea," he simpered – the Welsh underdogs go into the game with spirits high. Should they make it to Wembley, though, don't expect any more stanzas from us. We're planning to spend tomorrow in discussions to succeed Carol Ann Duffy as Britain's poet laureate. Or possibly The Man, singularly unimpressed with today's tatty doggerel, will have told us to do one, in which case we'll be stacking shelves – alongside Mr Lambert – at your caring, sharing Co-op.

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QUOTE OF THE DAY

"I am no mercenary. I am going to be well, my mother is going to be well and that is the most important thing. It will be a much more tranquil life financially, but sports-wise it will distance me from my objectives which are the national team, playing in Europe and [Big Cup], and being among the best clubs in the world" – Brazil international Bruno 'I'm no mercenary' Cesar defends his move to Saudi Arabia's Al Ahly.

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FIVER LETTERS

"Re: John Dixon's predictable and tedious slurs about PE teachers (Monday's Fiver letters). May I be the first PE teacher to respond. These bloody so-called proper teachers love to whine about how easy we have it … until that is they ever have to actually get outside and supervise some kids in a situation where they are not all sitting at desks. Then they suffer total meltdown" – Robert Heath.

"Phil Pierce's question about switching to watch lower-league football (Fiver letters passim). Why switch? I combine occasional trips to Stamford Bridge to watch Chelsea with occasional trips to watch Dulwich Hamlet at Dog Kennel Hill. While the former can boast a higher skill level and a greater variety of chants, the latter is cheaper, my view isn't interrupted by loads of people coming in late or leaving early, the beer is drinkable, and I can pay someone to wash my car during the game" – Aaron Nelson.

"Lower-league football is better. I now regularly watch Chester FC. Goals galore, successive promotions and I can walk to the ground. What could be better? Well, apart from the weather last Saturday v Stalybridge Celtic. We're sure to be promoted to the Conference proper this season, and could well be promoted yet again next season to the Football League. Which begs the question: if this happens, would Chester FC no longer be considered lower league and would I have to find someone else to watch?" – Ben Rigg.

"With all the recent letters around the joys of non-league football and the dissatisfaction over the money grabbing marketing spin that is professional football of our era, I wonder why a group of bright sparks don't set up a breakaway league comprising clubs on the simple premise that their players come from the locality of the club, where fans pay no more than £10 for tickets, and where the players are all paid an equal share of a percentage of turnstile revenues alone with clubs run on a not-for-profit basis. Is this the beginning of a START FOOTBALL campaign?" – Dion Di Miceli.

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BITS AND BOBS

Peru U-20 player Max Barrios has left the South American U-20 Championships after it was claimed that he's actually a 25-year-old Ecuadorean … called Juan Espinosa. "If confirmed, the selection will not be penalised because we would have been swindled by the player," sniffed the Peruvian Football Federation.

With Real Madrid sat 15 points adrift, the Special One has conceded La Liga to Barcelona. "It does no good to obsess over these things, obsession only makes things more complicated," he obsessed.