BREAKING NEWS: The Brit Awards apparently still a thing

A medieval, self-serving awards ceremony for the British music industry, commonly known as The Brits, is apparently still a thing and threatens to bring the nation back to crappier times, it has been revealed.
The irrelevant televised occasion was designed to trick British people into thinking British artists only slightly less interesting than their more glamorous American counterparts, were actually worth listening to.

Having been set up by record label bosses, who were also on the voting panel, “the Grammy’s, but with shit teeth” was thought to have fallen out of favour with Britain’s youth.

Aged DJ and one-time relevant-to-anyone-under-40 showbiz personality, Simon Mayo, announced: “Heyyy, listen up, guys. Tonight’s gonna be jam-packed with all your favourite cool artists, from Kylie, Michelle Gayle and Louise Nerding, to bands such as The Spice Girls, Chumbawumba and The Corrs.” before giving a thumbs up in the manner of a middle aged man who just helped a van driver reverse out of a street.

“We’ve also got some new music from Craig David.”

Demin-clad history teacher and self-confessed “cool cat”, Mr Dobson, said to his year 11 pupils: “Remember guys, if you’re watching the party with us in the school hall, don’t forget some food and 50p for a can of drink.”

“It’s gonna be proper welll buzzin’.”

Confused social media ‘genius’ and lover of grime music, Nathan Dobson, 27, asked: “Is it like that Smash Hits Poll Winners Party thing that went out of fashion with combat pants? Yeah, I really need to start ‘making a muderer’. Sorry.”

But not everyone reacted with indifference. After hearing about this years’ event, a hopeful sounding Jacquie Dinting, 35, asked: “So is Robbie’s going to make an appearance, too?”