Let's Play Mass Effect: 4 Ultimate Adventures (Blind) Now with Images

December 28th, 2011, 07:43

In an attempt to reduce hostilities, I'll be doing a Blind Let's Play of a game that both Watchers and Codexers have equal love for: Mass Effect. Oh, and I'm playing this at low quality so it'll run more smoothly (hope that's not a problem).

Intro was boring, here's the jist of it: …he's a good man… Aside from a few instances of sexual deviancy and a greater than usual fixation on the buttocks, he's one of our best soldiers… …sexual deviancy? …aliens, dragons, that sort of thing… …is that the kind of person we want protecting the galaxy? …that's the only kind of person that can protect the galaxy…

Well, that was pretty cool, right guys?

Anyway, after that there was some talking and questions and I didn't really take any screenshots, but it was boring, but it was pretty cool, I guess.

So anyway I'll summarize what happened here: Basically, we talked about some stuff, and then got sent on a mission (at least I think so, I'm not too sure on that).

Whatever, now we've gotten control of our character and we can fully explore this piece of popamole shit (it means streamlined cinematic visceral immersive next-gen role-playing experience, if you're not a Codexer).

Meet Ass-Handler Shepard, the Paladin (Ass-Hand for short):
As you can see, his Ztats are quite good, and he's armed with a Sword and Chain Mail. They should prove useful when we have to fight Geth in the first mission (haha, okay, I know a little about this game, but still fairly blind).

We're outside of the city, so let's go in and talk to the greeter: What is your job, Rigmore? Is it to be the tutorial NPC? No, I am the welcomer. Welcome to Trinsic city of honor! Wisdom on the virtue of honor is found throughout this towne. Dost thou seek this wisdom?

No tutorial? Mass Effect may be more hardcore than I gave it credit for. I don't see what's so wrong with the dialogue system either.

Not as much as I seek to get me alien some strange, but sure, I seek honor. Then enter and find thy path.

Ass-Hand enters the tavern in hopes of finding some Asari strippers. Instead he finds the towne leader. What kind of leader is as the tavern this early in the day? Not that I'm criticizing, it just seems a little odd. 'tis an honor to be leader! Dost thou try to live honorably? I'm about as honorable as they get. It is a constant quest. Honor is like finely polished armour. Without constant care, it will soon tarnish! Alright, enough of that. I've seen your picture before, you're one of the romanceable companions! Not exactly my type, but join me, I could use a meatshield! I cannot join thee. Then what good are you?!

Let's talk to the sleepy looking chap in the corner instead. Sup, Rigmore? I'm not Rigmore, I'm Publius. Whatever you say, Master of Welcoming. What do you do around here? I drink a toast to honor! What is left when honor is lost? Deep. Well, bye, Rigmore.

The tavern was a disappointment, so we head to the weapons and armour shop to chat up some of the local ladies. Instead we find an ugly sailor. I can tell from your name that you are a seaman, Sam. I'm a naval Commander, you know. My specialty is navigation! A sea-faring man such as thou must already own a sextant, eh? Go to the pub in Jhelom and ask of sextants if thou doth ever need a new one. I'll keep that in mind. Bye!

Updated my journal

Do you have a job, Aristotle? I search *breathe* for honor. Dignity consists not in possessing honors, *breathe* but in deserving them. So are female Volus hot, or do they all look like squat little space-dwarves?The paladin turns away.

They even end the conversation if they get annoyed. How majestic!

Time to get out of town and explore the land. I hope we can find some moles to pop. This talking shit is boring.

Oh shit. Batarians.

Hmm… doesn't seem very popamole to me. Incline?
I spoke too soon. It's more like "press A for Awesome". Decline!

So that second Batarian turned into two. Just like Wizardry 6 on Expert! How hardcore.

One down.

Too easy.

After slaying the filthy Batarian scum (okay, some of them my have run away), we notice they've left behind chests.

Ass-Hand is too quick for this gas trap.

Fucking acid trap did more damage than all the enemies combined.

Heading North along the coast in search of some alien hookers, Shepard encounters another Batarian.

That awesome button sure is handy.

Flawless Victory.

Almost at a town, but this goddam Batarian insists on fighting.

The fight was easy, but Ass-Hand takes another acid trap to the face.

Finally got to Virmire.

What do you do, Wilmore? I am the chief guard in the village! *breathe* Paws is a great village and we keep it safe! *breathe* Dost thou mean to cause trouble? I'm a Spectre, bitch! I'm here to take names and kick ass! RENEGADE AS FUCK!~ Yes or no? No, I'll be good. Good.

Now what does someone like you do around here? I am here to serve thee. Paws, if towns were bros, I would totally brofist you right now! So how do you intend to service me Asemly? Well, I can dance and sing! Does that interest thee? Sure, I'd love to see you take off your clothes and dance. And sing, tra la la… You didn't even take off one sock! Banal. Shit. Boring.

To get the taste of deceit out of his mouth, Ass-Hand heads to the market.
Here you can buy rations, but I'm not sure what they're used for so we don't get any.

We talk to the only other customer there. So how bout dem rations? I hear they have the best rations here. Rations are used in dungeons. Dost thou travel the depths? I'd like to, but that dancer isn't making it easy. In the great castle there is a secret entrance! Castle? Like a princess castle? Sir, we just met, but you are a true bro. This calls for a celebration. To the tavern!

That woman has a marvelously large ass. It must be destiny.

As it turns out, her ass wasn't the only large thing about her. I thought you were someone else. Bye! What is it with this town and playing with my emotions?

We choose to speak to the elderly man in the corner. What would you say ya do here? I've been near the Codex! Not quite what I was asking, but relevant nonetheless. It's secrets are boundless, seen it? It's a wretched hive of scum and villainy. My bro rev. harlequin and I swore to each other that we would only venture there out of morbid curiosity, and not at all because we secretly enjoyed it.Wow!

Ass-Handler talks to the only remaining patron. You know, I'm pretty sure I recognize you. Aren't you that guy who says violence is funny and hilarious? If you are, then your name definitely isn't Sven. Violence is funny, ya, but I'm a lumberjack, ya! No, buddy, you're a game designer, not a lumberjack. I'm a Lumberjack, I cut down trees to streamline da forest, ya. Wit' my axe, I can chop'm down quick, ya!

Seriously, though, I didn't think Bioware had it in them to poke fun at Bethesda for streamlining. I mean, it's true, but it's not like they don't do it themselves.

Time to head out!
Oooh a Husk!

If only the ladies fell for him this easily.

Crossing over the bridge, Ass-handler is accosted by a troll.

Take that, you evil beast!

Luckily, it was not the Codexian variety, and went down easy.

After a long, uneventful trek through the galaxy, Ass-Handler arrives at an immense Citadel.

What will he do now? Become a Spectre? Sneak in and rape that princess? Kill some more Batarians? Find out in the next episode of Let's Play Mass Effect: 4 Ultimate Adventures. Or don't, because I probably wont update if the Codex goes back up.

Last edited by Mass Exodus; December 28th, 2011 at 10:19.
Reason: Images