How to ignore those who encourage you to eat too much at the holidays

One of the things that I’ve noticed in my 12 years of nutrition counseling is that what other people say, whether as passing observations or cutting remarks, can have a tremendous impact on a client’s confidence, focus, and ultimately, their level of success in achieving their health and wellness goals. This was particularly evident in the following email from a client:

David Grunfeld, The Times-PicayuneDon't be bullied into having another slice of pecan pie during the holidays. Here are some tips to help you stick to your healthy living goals.

“Any advice on how to deal with the relentless pressure to eat unhealthy? It’s staggering the amount of ridicule, cajoling, guilting, eye-rolling and outright hostility that I get from people — friends, family, co-workers, strangers — when I dare to try to make healthy choices at mealtime. ‘Oh, come on, one piece of fried chicken won’t kill you.’ ‘You only live once!’ ‘Don’t be such a killjoy.’ ‘Do you actually like that?’ ‘I’d rather die young than eat that.’ Etc., etc., etc.

“I don’t think I ever realized how little support there is for making a healthy lifestyle change. Not only is there little support, there’s open hostility toward it.”

The irony is that the comments often come from the very people who are putting the most pressure on the client to be more health-conscious.

There’s the well-meaning mom who encourages her daughter to shed those 10 extra pounds, yet suggests splitting the ginormous dessert at dinner. Or the otherwise supportive spouse who brings my client’s favorite treat into the home and leaves the bag open on the kitchen counter.

And then there are the comments that “you’re wasting away,” or “surely you don’t want to lose any more weight” when you’re only halfway to your goal.

How to handle weight-loss saboteurs

Remember their frame of reference. If a person has only known you as very overweight, then you’ll seem to them to be “disappearing” as you lose weight.

Tryto remain neutral and nondefensive. If you sense any hostility or negativity from others, just remind yourself that it’s their “stuff,” not yours.

Keep a sense of humor. As long as you’re happy with your physical, emotional and spiritual progress, passing comments by others are inconsequential.

Source: Beatriz Maldonado, licensed clinical social worker

Since this clearly is an issue that many people struggle with, I’ve turned to a few local therapists to shed some light on why it happens and strategies for dealing with it.

Kevin Bourgeois, a licensed clinical social worker who has lost 48 pounds this year, says that it can be very difficult for someone to achieve success without the unconditional support of friends and family.

“Nothing ruins motivation more than when success is not rewarded or failures are not soothed,” he said.

Beatriz Maldonado, a licensed clinical social worker with Ochsner Health System, says that people have different motives for making these types of comments.

“I believe some people are genuinely concerned that a person might be getting unhealthily thin,” she said. But, she added, it’s also true that “people often don’t like it when the status quo is upset. They want the ‘old’ person back and the relationship.

“When a person makes the necessary changes to lose a significant amount of weight, it can mean a change in how friends, family and co-workers spend time with this person. They may be accustomed to a social life that is largely inactive and sedentary. Now, not only is the time spent differently, the bond that connected them may also be different or even gone. Food may no longer be the commonality they share.”

People also may feel threatened by another’s weight loss.

“Even when others don’t need to lose weight, I think they can still be threatened if they don’t feel they’re making desired important life changes as the person has who’s achieved their weight or health goals, ” she said.

Phil Bein, a local therapist, agrees.

“The saboteur may be struggling with guilt, envy, shame, even anger, and is trying to rid themselves of these unpleasant feelings by depositing them in the healthy-striving person,” he said. “And on those occasions when the healthy-striving person does succumb, there is temporary relief and validation in the saboteur.”

Whew! So what’s a newly motivated-to-be-more-health-conscious person to do?

Bourgeois encourages his clients to “mirror back” what they hear, so that the person can hear how insensitive the comment might have been. He also recommends following up with something like, “If you meant that as support, I’d appreciate it if you could just say: Keep up the good progress; you look amazing.”

Another approach is to simply say, “You know, I’ve been really working hard at losing weight and being healthier, and I feel great. I’ve received so many compliments, but some of the insensitive comments have been surprising.” It lets that person know that you won’t tolerate it. “It’s very empowering to stand up for yourself,” Bourgeois says.

Above all, the therapists agree, it’s essential for people to stay focused and make the decision to become healthy for themselves.

“Rather than focus on what others say, it’s important for people to continue to reinforce their own inner conviction about their personal health or ideal weight,” Maldonado says. “A core aspect of one’s weight-loss journey is self-empowerment and conviction in one’s self versus. seeking approval from others. Focusing on others’ opinions can continue to reinforce the destructive patterns that led to weight gain and unhealthy habits in the first place.”

•••••••

Molly Kimball is a registered dietitian in New Orleans. Her column appears every Friday in Living section of The Times-Picayune and her nutrition video blog appears every Tuesday here at nola.com