Wednesday, 10 May 2017

Bloodvar Cup Team: Coach Bears Karak-Argo Bears

Good evening spikey, oval ball fans!

The Bloodvar Cup, sponsored by Bloodvar - the home of beer that tastes like blood! - is proud to introduce you to the Karak-Argo Bears! The city of Karak-Argo, high in the mountains, is most famously known as 'The Windy City'. Scholars have submitted that this nickname doesn't derive from the weather in this architecturally boring destination, but due more to its inhabitants love for all things bean related - leading to an unpalatable cuisine and more than a few blocked toilets and soiled pants!

The start of season Team photos

The Bears have a solid squad - boasting 12 of the heartiest Dwarves you could ever pick a fight with. Captain Brokk Hurricane is often confused with the Elven, lewd-movie star of the same name and receives numerous fan letters of a dispicable nature. Some include pictures.

Brokk can be seen third from left on the front row in the pre-season photo - where a blazing sun can be seen Fotoshooted onto the picture for holiday brochure purposes.

Front row, left to right:

1 - Karek Ironstriker

2 - Belegar Suncrusher

3 - Brokk Hurricane (c)

4 - Morak Ironwall

5 - Ulfast Stonehewer

6 - Dhagan Dragongaze

Back row, left to right:

7 - Harl Grimak

8 - Goraz Windstalker

9 - Koravan Trueshield

10 - Kragg Grimm

11 - Delvaris Rockheaver

12 - Bora Stek

The Blitzers, Blockers and Troll Slayers are renowned for being as hard hitting as the animal the team is named after, while the Runners owe a lot to the speed gained from the wind that the city is famous for.

Coach Bear's (this is an honoury title, we are told, dating back to the first manager of the team, which may or may-not have actually been a bear. None of the team survived the first halftime talk to confirm or deny the rumours) pre-season comments:

'It is really simple: If the Blitzers blitz, the Blockers block, the Runners run and the Slayers...Slay, then we will have a 50/50 chance of winning a match. If they don't do any of those things then they won't get their halftime beans!'

Some, quite frankly, ludicrous comments there from coach Bear, taken from the recent employment tribunal - 'The People vs Karak-Argo: a city paid solely in beans'!