stephen colbert

As we’ve heard over the past few days, that billionaire reality TV game show host who won the presidency last month, Donald Trump, will soon bring us to complete dystopia: He can mass text all of America at once.

Through the FCC’s Wireless Emergency Alerts, Trump can text all of America at the same time, probably to schedule New Year’s Eve plans that take a month to coordinate but go no where. The system is devised for emergencies, according to New York Magazine, but as we know, Trump is very trigger happy when it comes to his phone. We all look forward to seeing 300 million messages all reading “How do I get out of this group text” and “New phone who dis?”

Luckily, Stephen Colbert is already on it over at The Late Show, delivering a hilarious monologue about the president elect’s new found phone privileges. Check it out.

There are so many hot takes on the 2016 Presidential election. Take your pick. You can read about polling data, demographics, and/or a million other excuses for why every expert got this thing wrong. But if you want a little sugar with your medicine, you can turn to late night TV hosts.

It’s been a long night for the United States, and at the end of it, we came out the other side. Stephen Colbert had a long night as well. Wrapping up his Election Special for Showtime, Colbert was learning election results in real time, guiding his audience through this transition and tried to offer some words of solace.

Colbert has long been one of the most biting satirists of the Republican party, but in these final ten minutes of his show, he offered some words of wisdom that we could all rally behind. He delivers the kind of call for unity that the country needs in these divisive times, reminding us that maybe we all “drank a little too much of the poison” that is politics. Then he took a great big sip whiskey and relayed the things that bring us together, like hating veggie pizza and our love for whoever gets up first for seconds at a wedding buffet.

“In the face of something that might strike you as horrible, I think laughter is the best medicine,” said Colbert. “You cannot laugh and be afraid at the same time, and the devil cannot stand mockery."

Following a delightful song and dance number between Late Show-host Stephen Colbert and an innocent ragamuffin, the Mayor of Candytown himself, Jon Stewart, dropped in to offer the audience some “toffee from an old man’s pants.” But upon learning that Donald Trump is running for president, Stewart, who’s a little out of the loop these days, gave his patented spit-take salute in surprise. Time to get back to work… after a little Yentil, for which there is always time.

Hamilton's Javier Muñoz, an astronaut, a crossing guard, and, of course, an adorable orphan joined other classic symbols of Americana, Colbert, and Stewart on stage to remind the audience to get out and vote. Make this old man’s wish come true, America.

And now, what we’ve all been waiting for, gifs of people doing spit takes!

Facebook, a never-ending source of useful information, has been our goto for up-to-the-minute election coverage this past season. As such, it’s probably caused us more anxiety about this election than any one speech, Wikileaks email, or video featuring Billy Bush. Your Facebook wall feeds into your worst fears about the candidates, and Stephen Colbert knows it.

On The Late Show with Stephen Colbert last night, Colbert took a big swig of cough syrup, dusted off his box of Reynolds wrap, and made a new tinfoil hat to block the radio signals that the Illuminati uses to read our minds. Colbert is full of great intel about such things as the whereabouts of Chumbawumba, the shadowy industry of upstate New York weddings, and what oysters actually are. By the end of it, you’ll have your cork board up and long strands of yarn connecting seemingly disparate items together to prove your theory that, hey, what if the Chicken McNugget is more nugget than chicken?

In all honesty the Star Wars reference and mustache were on point. Anyone else on board for voting Colbert in for a crucial cameo role?

Don't forget to check out the most recent GoPro footage to surface, which provides an all too close and personal full 15 minutes of on-the-ground action. The mission, 'Cisne Negro' or Black Swan, already possesses all the dark and dramatic appeal any modern day, crime-addled thriller needs to make a splash on the big screen.

After launching his new show with a bevy of jokes on Donald Trump, Stephen Colbert decided it would be a nice idea to invite the GOP front running candidate for the presidency on The Late Show.

So, Sept. 22, it happened.

It certainly wasn't the best interview Colbert has had on his show so far, that honor goes to the the emotional chat with Vice President Joe Biden. But still it was a civilized conversation in which Trump still would not say whether President Obama was born in America.

To be fair, Vanity Fair did mention the lack of gender diversity in their story:

What's conspicuously missing from late-night, still, is women. How gobsmackingly insane is it that no TV network has had the common sense—and that's all we're talking about in 2015, not courage, bravery, or even decency—to hand over the reins of an existing late-night comedy program to a female person?

And they did mention comedienne Samantha Bee's upcoming TBS late night talk show. She, however, decided to respond directly to the tweet, imagining herself in the picture with the rest of her peers.

Joe Biden has many facets. He's America's uncle. He's a brazenly honest person. And he's also someone who has had a lot of tragedy befall him.

As rumors continue to swirl about a possible Biden presidential run, he came by The Late Show to talk to Stephen Colbert about many things.

What came next was a very candid and heartfelt talk about the recent loss of the Vice President's son Beau and the death of his first wife and daughter years ago. The talk was even more heightened when Biden compared his experience to Colbert's, who suffered his own harrowing childhood tragedy.

It's a really touching talk and one that casts and incredibly human light on the office of Vice President and Biden himself.

Here's part two of the interview:

And if you need a light hearted refresher after all the heavy talk, here's that picture of him giving a shoulder rub:

Ever since he left The Colbert Report to take over for David Letterman's The Late Show, which begins September 9, Colbert has been staying in the headlines through both hilarious stunts like the one above and drawing attention to his personal causes.

And mine is not the only field that lacks enough women. Where are all the lady blacksmiths? What about the bait-and-tackle shopkeepers, pool maintenance professionals, building superintendents, or CEOs of Fortune 500 companies? Why are all those minions shaped like tiny phalluses? Why did Mad Max get top billing in Fury Road when he was essentially just a grunting tripod for Charlize Theron's rifle? Of course, historically, our thriving U.S. president industry definitely skews male—but that could change in 2016. Carly Fiorina, all eyes are on you.

Even when women do succeed, their stories often aren't told. Did you know that the first computer, ENIAC, was programmed by six female mathematicians? If it weren't for those pioneering women, we might not have computers at all. And then how would people read empowering listicles like "20 Hot Actresses Without Makeup! (#5 Will Make You Question God!)"?

And through out it all, despite falling into some strange tangents, he presents a promise for how The Late Show will function under his hosting.

Point is, I'm here for you, and that means I'm going to do my best to create a Late Show that not only appeals to women but also celebrates their voices. These days TV would have you believe that being a woman means sensually eating yogurt, looking for ways to feel confident on heavy days, and hunting for houses. But I'm going to make a show that truly respects women, because I know that there's more than one way to be one. Maybe you're a woman who likes women. Maybe you like women and men. Maybe you're a woman who's recently transitioned. Maybe you're a guy who's reading this magazine because your girlfriend bought a copy and it looked interesting.

It's just another example of how proactive Colbert is about his influence and how he chooses to use his promotional time.

Last night, Jon Stewart hosted his final turn on The Daily Show, marking an end to the 16-year run that turned the nightly satire into a cultural force.

The evening began with a regular report on the GOP debate from earlier in the night, then turned into a revolving door of big names and old friends. They thanked Stewart for his work, gave some advice and made him cry. Much feels.

Fittingly, then, the "star-studded" portion of the evening was right at the top. Beginning with three of the show's current correspondents — Jessica Williams, Hasan Minhaj, and Jordan Klepper — claiming to be on the ground covering the night's Republican debate, the segment grew and grew, until it encompassed essentially every major voice in the show's history, dipping all the way back to figures like Mo Rocca and Vance DeGeneres, from Stewart's very early days, and even working in original Daily Show host Craig Kilborn. It was like the alt-comedy version of This Is Your Life. There was even time for a visit from Stewart's biggest targets.

But the biggest moments were for Oliver and Colbert. The former, now on HBO, gently mocked his old boss for continuing to work within the constraints of basic cable, pretending to have no idea what commercials were. The latter made Stewart tear up, first with an elaborate analogy where Colbert was Sam and Stewart Frodo Baggins, then with a heartfelt speech about how much Stewart had meant to all of them.

All those correspondents had one final story on which to report — a group hug.

Can you feel the fake news love?

Stewart finished the night with an endearing entreaty, imploring everyone to beware the staggering amount of bullsh*t that sits around the world.