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Four Eyes, Jessica, Bill, Ian, Carrie,

name: Four Eyes
query: My question: Why don’t guys make passes at girls who wear glasses? I developed the hypothesis: Guys will not make passes at girls who wear glasses. Through loosely controlled self-experimentation, I believe I have indeed proved this to be significantly correct (dates = > .01). However, I have yet to determine a cause. Can you help?
4i[pl.],
Yeah seriously, what’s the deal with that? Well we’ll tell you: it’s genetic purity those guys are concerned about. It may sometimes seem that guys think of sex as somehow related to pleasure, but they don’t. When guys have sex, it’s because they want children. We’re not talking about some subconscious biologically-embedded desire to procreate; that’s more what happens with girls. Fact: dudes love babies and little kids. Fact: you can’t get kids without a little sex, and dude’s have resigned themselves to this. Fact: dudes are therefore committed to having sex. And of course guys don’t want their babies not being able to see for shit.
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name: Jessica
query: I am only 13, and I’m not a virgin. Is that bad? Should I lie to my friends and say that i am a virgin? Almost everyone in my grade thinks I’m not a virgin. What can I say to them?
Jessica,
Hey, uh… do you have a boyfriend?
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name: bill
query: the chick i was dating got off with a guy i know in front of me on new years eve. I’ve told her to go away, She says she wants to contact me in the future what should i do
Change your phone number, your email address and physical address, your hair style and color, your daily schedule, the way you dress and how you talk, etc. This makes you more difficult to reach. Step 2: call her “a diseased whore whom [you] detest” and really let the loathing drip like foam from the mouth of a rabid dog. Use that as your response to anything she says, to you but also to anyone else if you happen to be in earshot. This makes it more difficult for her to want to reach you.
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name: ian
query: How many scientists does it take to change a lightbulb?
It takes all three of us to make the music that earns the money that pays for the butler who tells Mason, our full-time light bulb changer, to change the light bulbs when they die.
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name: Carrie
query: Dear Scientists,
My friends grandmother recently used the phrase “shopping uptown for downtown business” in reference to what’s commonly known in these here parts as “making out.” Could you enlighten me as to why more people don’t use this far superior phrase?
Because it features a metaphor, and like whiny children balking at their vegetables, people shrink from metaphors. Another example of that is us trying with little success to popularize this wonderful euphemism for full-on, all-out, major league fuckin: “Doin’ it downtown, and sometimes from behind, with fervor, meerkat-style.” People don’t like it. Why? Because it’s too much work for them to process the metaphor. Cattle!