Book Review

Daniel Tomasulo is a master story teller. He is also a man with an important purpose.

In his new book released TODAY (May 1, 2018), American Snake Pit, the purpose is to open the eyes of his readers to the humanity of people with intellectual and psychiatric disabilities. I think reading this book can make our moral circles a little bit larger.

As he points out in his preface:

What I learned from [Richie] and from the people I have worked with is that, in spite of enormous intellectual and psychiatric disabilities, these individuals are not very different from you and me. They crave love; need affection, compassion, and kindness; get hurt when they feel left out; are in need of guidance; want meaningful relationships; get angry when they are betrayed or can’t get their needs met; and are generally as confused and uncertain about their course in life as the rest of us.

This book is a story of a real adventure, the establishment of a group home for people who had previously been warehoused in the institutional setting described by Robert F. Kennedy after a surprise visit,

“I think that particularly at Willowbrook, we have a situation that borders on a snake pit… living in filth and dirt, their clothing in rags, in rooms less comfortable and cheerful than the cages in which we put animals in a zoo.”

Dan reading aloud from his book

Following Kennedy’s visit and a news series by Geraldo Rivera, mental health treatment started being considered a civil right, but the transition away from mass institutionalization was neither easy nor smooth. Just releasing people from the institutions didn’t work. Homelessness, joblessness, and crime all went up. They needed places to go. By 1979, the easiest people to place in viable community homes and training programs had already been moved out years earlier. The people remaining needed many services to function outside the hospital.

Enter Tomasulo, in the last year of his doctoral program in psychology. He was flat broke and looking for a job. To hold body and soul together, he applied to manage one of the new group homes, Walden House, just being set up in small town. He got the job probably because of his answer to a question in the group interview:

“What if you found two residents kissing in one of their bedrooms?”
“If it was clear that neither of them were being coerced, I’d apologize and close the door.”

The stories in this book are real, though names and locations are changed to protect privacy. We are invited along to experience the challenges and adventures of residents and employees of Walden House.

Group Home = Home with Group Living in It

In the stories, we get to know people with odd behaviors, and slowly learn why those odd behaviors make sense, given what people are able to do and what they experienced before. Getting to know Sophia, Candy, Mike, Albert, Harold, Taimi, and the rest of the characters on the pages of this book has been as beguiling as reading my favorite novels.

We learn about relationships that grow among the residents, among staff and residents, and among staff. From initial discomfort, I found myself starting to love these people, to feel pity for their pasts, and to care how their futures would unfold.

There are many, many challenges, enough that chapters often end with cliff-hangers. Will they find enough people to staff the house? Can they get someone with catatonia to eat? What to do with someone who can’t speak and gets incredibly frustrated – and violent – when she can’t make herself understood? What happens when Benny keeps trying to see his father, especially after hearing the words, “Well, Benny, your father is in heaven now,” from the parish priest?

Then there’s the fire drill test. The mayor, a dead ringer for Danny DeVito in Taxi, doesn’t want this kind of house in his community. He colludes with his brother-in-law, the fire chief, to declare that Walden House must show they can get everybody out of the building in two minutes, or it closes down. Will they pass the fire drill? Then what happens when a real fire occurs?

Dan, closer to the time of the story

Tomasulo knows how to tell a story. For a sample, check out an earlier version of the Hot Dogs chapter, which we published here and included in the chapter on Perspective in Character Strengths Matter. He laces his observations with humor, and he helps us see heroes in unexpected places.

After reading this book, you’ll face the world a little bit differently. If you’re walking down the street and feel your eyes start to slide away from someone that looks a bit weird, maybe you’ll remember to think, “He’s human too.” Maybe your eyes will connect.

Note: Daniel Tomasulo went on to become a New Jersey licensed counseling psychologist frequently working with people with combined intellectual and psychiatric disabilities. He co-authored the book, Healing Trauma: The Power of Group Treatment for People with Intellectual Disabilities. Besides studying positive psychology, he specializes in psychodrama. He is also very good at making people laugh.

Everyone knows about law firms, right? All you have to do is turn on the TV to one of the many shows ostensibly taking place in a high-powered, fast-paced, glamorous law firm and you can tell that all the men are powerful, all the women are beautiful, and everyone loves their meaningful profession. They drive luxury cars, wear designer threads, and have intense love lives. Oh, and they work long hours in their glassed-walled offices in some chic downtown that has a great night life.

So… TV might not be the best place to learn about what life is really like inside a law firm, although many lawyers do work punishingly long hours, and the intense pressure is very real: depending on your field of practice, lives and huge amounts of money can be on the line. The intensity starts on the first day of law school, when you start competing for attention, awards, and positions to take you to partnership track. No wonder so many lawyers turn to alcohol and drugs, become depressed, or burn out.

Anne Brafford

What can be done to prevent burnout?

Enter Anne Brafford. Anne left her equity partner position in order to focus on what it takes to thrive in the legal profession. She has put her findings into Positive Professionals, a book published by the ABA Law Practice Division. Although her primary focus is law, there are tidbits of wisdom in this research-based book for just about anyone who works in an organization where the stress mounts as people feel pressure to perform at ever-higher levels.

Brafford neatly takes her readers through definitions of workplace engagement, tying it to the creation of meaningful work. I really liked her section on “Change the Channel from Money to Meaning” where she acknowledges that law firms do need to turn a profit, but then explores how focusing employees on money as a final goal can increase selfishness and decrease engagement, compassion, and collaboration.

Positive Professionals is also peppered with humor with Brafford’s “Skeptic Alarm” – a little cartoon balloon with a cynical expression that calls out what readers may be thinking. For example, with the section on money and meaning, Brafford takes a pause to address that “lawyers work hard and want to be paid well” and that this is entirely acceptable, but not at the cost of burnout. This realistic tone was refreshing.

Engagement Narratives

Positive psychology practitioners will enjoy the many references to research on topics such as self-determination theory, positive emotions, and resilience. What Brafford does so well is make this research applicable to the busy world of legal firms in meaningful ways, through what she calls engagement narratives. She illustrates, for example, how meaningful it can be to prioritize client care. She also shows how to create a purpose-driven firm that includes profit.

Members of the VA State Bar

In the third part of Brafford’s book, she provides strategies that can bring these different engagement narratives to life, illustrating them with different types of law firms and different levels of legal practitioners. Non-legal professionals may find some of the legal terminology unfamiliar, but the situations and stresses will likely resonate with most readers.

My Favorite Engagement Narrative

Of the six different engagement narratives, my favorite was “I’m growing and capable.” In this narrative, Brafford draws on the research behind what it takes to develop mastery, and how to build skills and confidence. Importantly, she addresses the need for psychological safety, which is not always easy to come by in professional environments, where people may feel criticized endlessly and unwilling to make a mistake for fear of reprisals.

Law library

Dweck’s growth mindset makes a star appearance here as well, and with the ever-changing legal and technological landscape, one would hope that lawyers and other professionals are open to growing and changing and learning. This is especially important when it comes to creating more well-being for lawyers, reducing the burnout rate, and increasing engagement for the benefit of their clients.

Summary
As an organizational development consultant and a leadership coach, I learned a lot from Brafford’s book, not just about the culture in law firms, but also about how professional organizations can directly apply the research of positive psychology to create better places to work for all employees. These businesses can do well financially by doing well at increasing well-being for their people. These two goals are not mutually exclusive. All it takes is a little knowledge, attention, and willingness to try something new.

Yesterday I introduced The Strengths Switch by Dr. Lea Waters. Today I want to highlight the distinctions she makes among different kinds of strengths, learned behaviors, and weaknesses. People can become very proficient at learned behaviors, but without the energy and enjoyment associated with strengths. To understand the differences, let’s look at three dimensions for evaluating possible strengths:

Performance: being good at something. Watch for times when your children show above-age levels of achievement, rapid learning, and repeated patterns of success.

Energy: feeling good while doing it. Strengths are self-reinforcing. The more we use them, the more energized we become.

High use: choosing to do it. Watch for what your children choose to do in their spare time, how often they engage in these activities, how they speak about these activities.

Different Kinds of Strengths

Using these dimensions helps parents distinguish among different kinds of strengths, as shown in the figure below.

Take a closer look at strengths

Core Strengths are our go-to strengths. They fuel high levels of performance and energy and use.

Think about your child. Imagine her without one of her core strengths. For example, my son Jonathan is social. It is impossible to imagine Jonathan being himself without his sense of humor or loyalty to his friends. My son Josh is empathetic and kind. It’s impossible to imagine Josh without thinking of his thoughtfulness. What are the core strengths that are the essence of your children? What are the core strengths that make you the person you have become?

Growth Strengths energize us and offer the potential for good performance, but use is typically low to medium. You may see only glimpses of them, but they can shine if they are developed. You may notice that when your child is using a growth strength she is energized and showing early signs of good performance. According to Dr. Waters, these strengths are fascinating because they don’t initially look like strengths, but they can blossom quickly once they are discovered.

Learning about strengths at Independent School 528

You can encourage your child to use her growth strengths by:

Noticing the strength she’s drawing upon

Pointing out how her performance is improving

Letting her know you see the positive energy she’s exuding when she’s using the strength

Offering low pressure opportunities to use that strength

Praising her when she chooses to use it on her own accord

Learned Behaviors need to be taught, often to meet requirements of parents or school. Therefore, motivation to perform learned behaviors comes from the desire to please others, operate successfully in the world, or to gain external rewards. They are not intrinsically motivating. Your child can excel in these areas, but they do not give energy.

But What About Weaknesses?

Weaknesses also exist. Weaknesses are features that are disadvantages or flaws that prevent us from being effective at something. We can be weak in certain skills, abilities, talents, or character traits. We all have weaknesses. When my sons were young, I always showed them when I made a mistake in order to model the fact that no one is perfect and that it’s okay to not be great at everything. Today my husband and I often reach out to them for technical support when we reach the limits of our ability to deal with the machines in our home.

Dr. Waters stresses that strength-based parenting doesn’t mean ignoring your child’s weaknesses, but it does allow you to approach them from a healthier and more productive perspective. When the focus is first and foremost on strengths, everyone can be more genuine and less defensive when communicating about weaknesses. Three essential messages to give your child about weaknesses:

Just as everyone has strengths, everyone has weaknesses.

Having weaknesses doesn’t mean you’re unworthy.

Avoid the trap of spending too much time focusing on your weaknesses.

Practice, Practice, Practice

Each day you have the opportunity to practice strengths-based parenting. You will learn from your progress, and you’ll constantly be given new real-life opportunities to become a master electrician, flipping the switch.

Go to the Strength Switch website for free resources, a blog reflecting on putting the strengths switch into action, and information about the 5-week online course.

Lea was the emcee for the Soaringwords Opening night celebration at the Canadian Positive Psychology Conference in 2015 at Niagara on the Lake. Here she is in the middle of the dancers.

What if you could make a small shift in your parenting style that would yield enormous results for your child… and for you?

If you’re like most people, you want to raise emotionally and intellectually healthy children. But today there’s so much pressure to have our children and grandchildren excel in EVERY aspect of their tender lives.

Dr. Lea Waters

Thanks to the miracle of modern technology, parents can post every trophy and accomplishment on social media. Today’s children are the most documented generation of all time. Being bombarded with daily photo and video montages showcasing the accolades and adventures of other peoples’ seemingly perfect children tends to accentuate the tendency to focus on what’s wrong with our children and then try to fix it.

Lea Water’s break-through strength-based parenting approach changes that around. First it helps you see what is right about your children. Then it helps you nurture and cultivate their innate strengths and talents.

Sounds great. How do I do this?

Start with observation. If your daughter is really interested in music and loves to sing along with every song on the radio, perhaps you want to encourage her to join a chorus at her school, pick up an instrument, or start writing her own lyrics. If your son is likes to read more than he enjoys playing sports, perhaps you want to introduce him to some age-appropriate book series that pique his interests instead of pushing him to compete in sports that he does not enjoy.

Thus the strength-based parenting approach involves two simple steps: First see your child’s strengths. Then build upon them.

Dr. Waters notes three strength-based parenting styles:

Parents love to share strengths

Strengths Communicators: Parents who naturally use conversation with their kids to highlight strengths and talk about opportunities to use strengths for better outcomes.

Strengths Activators: Parents who coach their children to practice their strengths when hands-on opportunities arise.

Strengths Creators: Parents who are big-picture thinkers that can strategically create strengths-based opportunities for their kids.

At the end of the day, chances are, your energy is depleted from hours of work, significant responsibilities, and caring for your children. When you’re hungry, angry, and tired it’s easy to become irritable. Dr. Waters offers the strength switch as a simple but powerful tool to help you shift from focusing on your children’s weaknesses to focusing on their strengths. The strength switch acts like a circuit breaker, which is defined by Wikipedia as an automatically operated electrical switch designed to protect an electrical circuit from damage caused by excess current that typically results from an overload or short circuit. The circuit breaker interrupts current flow after a fault is detected.

Most of us can appreciate how negative thoughts and emotions can short-circuit our sense of balance. So thinking about this metaphor sounds good on paper, but how do you practice strength-based parenting in the moment when negative emotions start to overwhelm? Dr. Waters has a step-by-step guide for the strength switch briefly summarized here:

Where was the bike left out?

Observe your child’s action. For now, let’s assume your child did not put his bicycle away. It’s blocking the front door of your apartment so you have to move it in order to get inside your home.

Take a nanosecond to remember that just because you aren’t seeing your child’s strengths in that moment, it doesn’t mean that they aren’t there.

Pause for a moment: be mindful when the knee-jerk negative default feelings and thoughts start to take over. Taking a pause helps you get between your thoughts and feelings and a negative reaction.

Take a couple of deep breaths. Each time you breath out, you reduce stress hormones and calm your body.

Take a few minutes to allow yourself to settle down. Perhaps you want to hang up your coat, or change out of your work clothes. Maybe you want to listen to your favorite song before speaking to your son.

Say what you mean, but not in a way that is mean. Children, especially very young ones, cannot distinguish subtle emotions such as irony or sarcasm. It’s best to say what you want in a neutral and loving way, not letting anger or frustration seep into your voice.

Say something such as, “I see that you cleaned your room and made your bed this morning before you went to school. That’s great. I had a bit of trouble getting into the house today when I got home because your bike was blocking the door. When you come home from school tomorrow, I’d like you to remember to park your bike on the side of the house.

When we activate the strength switch, it can produce radically different results. Flipping the switch, we experience a sense of control by actively choosing where to put our selective attention. Where attention goes, energy flows. Imagine how liberating it is to choose to focus on the positive instead of harping on the negatives. Reinforcing your child’s strengths gives you both a powerful foundation of good will and trust. This fertile ground is a much better place to address areas that need fine-tuning.

Sharing smiles and encouragement, even in the midst of medical challenges

Practice the Strength Switch

Think of a situation from the past couple of weeks where your negative feelings escalated and you lost your cool with your child, causing both of you to feel crummy about the situation. In a couple of sentences write down what happened simply re-telling the facts.

Now close your eyes and breathe out and re-imagine the scene. See yourself taking a pause, and see yourself remembering that your child has strengths, even though you temporarily are focusing on something that is out of balance. Now, write down a new ending to this story where you flipped the strength switch and approached the situation from a place of love and patience, recognizing the good in the child before addressing the situation that needs an adjustment.

Reread your notes. See how taking a few moments to recalibrate your thoughts, feelings, and actions can make an enormous difference in the outcome: Happier parent. Happier child, motivated to remember to use her strengths in the future.

Come back tomorrow to explore the distinction Dr. Waters makes between strengths and learned behaviors.

If you’re like most people who are interested in deepening your relationships, then you probably ordered your copy of Happy Together published yesterday (Jan. 16, 2018) to coincide with the 8th anniversary of authors, Suzann and James Pawelski, a positive psychology power couple.

Today I want to highlight two compelling Happy Together concepts that can help you cultivate stronger and happier relationships.

SNAP! Practice, Practice, Practice!

Developing good habits in our relationships is like building any other good habits: it takes regular practice. James Pawelski’s hero is the philosopher William James, someone we could all consider a positive psychology pioneer. Reinforcing the message that good habits are a foundation for strong, positive relationships, James Pawelski uses the acronym, SNAP, to help us remember the four rules stated by William James for cultivating good habits:

Start strong. The more highly motivated we are to start a new habit, the more likely we are to be successful. One way to increase motivation is to make a public announcement of the habit we want to build. Calling for witnesses makes it easier for our friends to support us and harder for us to back down.

No exceptions. We may think that once we have acted in accordance with the new behavior for a few days, we can give ourselves a break, but this is likely to take us back to square one. Slips do happen, but if the general rule is no exceptions, it becomes easier to get back on track.

Always act. Whenever we have an urge to act in accordance with the new habit, we should follow that urge, no matter how annoying it may seem. This reminds us of the fundamental way that children learn by following the actions of their parents, not simply listening to their words.

Practice exercising the will. James suggests doing something hard every day, for no reason but that it is hard. Doing so, he says, can strengthen the will, making it ready for our use when we need it.

Forget Ann Landers. What Can Aristotle Teach Us About Building Love That Lasts?

Back in your school days, you probably learned about Aristotle, a towering figure in Greek philosophy and science, student of Plato, and teacher of Alexander the Great. Aristotle is another early contributor to positive psychology, contemplating questions such as “What makes people human?” “What makes life meaningful?” and “How can we enhance well-being within people and between people?”

Aristotle in the library

You have probably heard the term Platonic friendship used to describe a close relationship that is not sexual. Aristotle cultivated his own philosophy on friendship that James Pawelski calls Aristotelian Friendship based on the notion that the highest kind of friendship is one where people are drawn together by the recognition of the good in each other and the desire to support it. James used the idea of Aristotelian Friends (AF) in MAPP to encourage people to practice supporting each other as they grow and cultivate strengths. Aristotelian friends value the other person’s character and want to help it develop in healthy directions. The good that AFs see in the other person may also inspire them to want to become better themselves. In an Aristotelian friendship, each person is focused on the other person. AFs love each other for who they are, not just for the profit or pleasure they can get out of the relationship. Aristotle contends that friendship based on goodness is the truest kind, superior to the other two. Although Aristotelian friendships are not motivated by the quest for profit or pleasure, Aristotle noted that they often do turn out to be useful and pleasurable, as well as good.

After getting married, Suzie asked James a provocative question that elevated and transformed their marriage. “Why do Aristotle’s observations need to be limited to just friendships? What if we apply his philosophy to romantic relationships, as well? What if we see ourselves not just as lovers, but as Aristotelian lovers, focusing on appreciating the good in the other person and supporting each other’s growth and development?”

Being a wise philosopher and positive psychology practitioner, James embraced this idea wholeheartedly. (Spouses take note, when your partner makes a brilliant suggestion, follow their lead).

This concept of Aristotelian Lovers led Suzie and James to create Happy Together.

Loving gesture

Getting Started: Look at What You are Already Doing Well

There are so many small gestures to show love in a mature marriage. I like to tuck a card in my husband’s suitcase before he goes on a business trip, knowing he will discover the card and feel loved and supported. That creates positive emotion. When either one of us comes home from a business trip, there’s a large sign on the door with clever allusions to the destination city or conference woven into the message. We both use our character strengths of creativity and humor to make the signs. When we do something together, there’s a lot of mutual savoring before, during, and after.

Welcome back to the hive

At nighttime, before going to sleep, I make lunch for Jacob to bring to the office, not expecting something in return. When Jacob proofreads my blog posts or pulls articles from the Wall Street Journal that he knows I would want to read, he is not expecting to be paid back. On a deeper level, when I was mourning the death of my father, Jacob gave me plenty of room to experience my feelings. One way he showed steadfast support was to draw a warm bath and light a candle for me to relax each night after a long day.

Welcome home, Lisa

When we are with others of good character, it motivates us to improve our own character. Suzie and James Pawelski remind us of Jonathan Haidt’s wisdom about elevation, an “other-praising” emotion that causes “warm, open feelings in the chest” and inspires people to behave more virtuously themselves. When we are uplifted or elevated, our hearts are opened and our thoughts are more focused on others than on ourselves. We seek ways to make positive changes to enhance our relationships, and we experience moral growth and heightened positive emotions.

Looking for a Positive Psychology Course Near You?

If you are teaching or know someone who is teaching a course, please enter the positive psychology course information here for everyone to see! This is a public list, so please be aware of that when entering your email address:Enter Your Positive Psychology Course Info HERE