personal growth

When I heard the news there was a certain element of sadness…which was more for his family than anything else.

This was a man who lived a remarkable life…to its fullest!!!

And what a life! He was a remarkable human and man who had a remarkable career. He was funny, charming and immensely inspiring. Stephen leaves a legacy where he challenged all of us to think, to really think. Deeply!

Despite his physical ailments Stephen enjoyed life through 76 years on this planet.

Some of the things I loved about this man was his humility and humour. He did not swell to the ego of academia.

His writings reached out to all of us and invited regular folk the opportunity to really understand on a level never before offered to ideas never before contemplated nor comprehended or shared before.

That was his brilliance in a nutshell.

Stephen was challenged constantly by his peers and always answered them with quiet honesty and fact.

I loved his curious mind and his desire to explore one of our most baffling and intriguing frontiers…the space time continuum.

At times in my life I have felt an connection on some strange level to Stephen because of my own interest in time and its very concept.

I am certainly no physicist…and so far from the very notion it is just crazy!

You see I had a fear of numbers in my youth. I am a visual learning. Text books back in the day did little to impress formulas on my youthful self. Memorizing things was the way to go for a time, though what practicality of what I was trying to embed into my neurons made little to no sense and consequently slipped into the depths without consequence.

I did come to realize that this world we inhabit is ruled by numbers to a certain degree and in many ways I felt I’d been left behind as I just didn’t get it. Not at all.

As I got older these interests that I had in time, in space I began to embrace in my late 30’s.

I began picking up books and those books, such as ‘A Brief History of Time’ I read with a voracious appetite. Not only were doors opening but ideas were springing forth and thoughts with regard to exploring the ages.

I watched shows, documentaries and I hungered for knowledge. Wanting, desiring, needing.

Like billions of people before me and I am certain the billions that will follow, I wanted to know where we came from and what our purpose was.

I was a single mother with a beautiful child. I can recall, on one of those nights when sleep just would not come, I slipped from the house in my red velour house coat and sat on the curb in front of my rental home with smoke in hand gazing up at the stars above.

And I looked up into the night sky and pondered for a moment if another being was gazing out from their home planet into this great expanse we call space wondering if someone was looking out at them just as I was.

Pink fuzzy slippers peeked out beneath the house coat as my cigarette burned down and then I ground it out after one last drag.

I wondered if they ever felt the way I did, and in that moment which is about 28 years ago, I felt an energy move through me. Powerful, quiet and remote.

With the underlining message ‘I was not alone!’

And I felt mesmerized, connected and defined all in one swift moment.
I’ve had these sensations a few times, though they’ve been sparing, in my quest to connect.

Perhaps it is just the human condition.

Yet these moments are, in my mind, defining ones. They are moments that give me pause and shape and direct or re-direct my life.

And Stephen Hawking is one of those whose energies, just by the words he has written touched me a way I had never known.

Having read his work I realized the things I thought about, the things I was ‘secretly’ exploring were not foolish or stupid notions and they certainly were not secretive.

In fact, Stephen Hawing’s work confirmed that my odd curiosities had merit. Maybe, just maybe I had the makings of a brain after all.

And this came from a girl whose beginnings were demeaning, from a girl who had not had the privilege to finish high school; this from a girl who had been homeless at 16 years of age….and from a girl who was trying so desperately to be a woman her young daughter could look up to and respect.

The way I saw myself back then was dismal at best as I lacked self-confidence in the worst way.

Yet I read and those books, articles and everything in between they stamped their collective meanings and interpretations on me.

Some I held fast to these readings, dissecting and observing everything, while others I questioned and reviewed before I spit them out.

Even those that I did not agree with helped me to learn and grow.

I look at someone like Stephen Hawking who had this fabulous mind, so well tuned, and it was this muscle that rendered him genius. Those neurons that fired collectively from abstract thought to cohesive and formative ideas that were then developed into factual principles that challenged all of us.

Stephen has offered this world a deeper, more complex understanding of our own humanity in many ways.

And here I am on this Friday evening after a long week at work, in a local pub and some four beer in, considering this planet, this thing we call space and the concept of time itself.

What does it mean? What is it? And where does it go?

Considering this thing we call life, I ask and challenge myself, here and now, what can I do to give back to this world, this planet to make it better?

Is it even possible?

Still the chance that there is some simplicity to all this that we must try. We are increasing in numbers on this planet,

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A full moon beams down on this clear and cold winter’s night. Fog is beginning to roll in and the moon will soon be a silvery shadow if we see it all.

It is New Years Eve and I am staying at home this year. This will be a quiet night. A time to reflect on the year that was.

I’ve got cheese and wine as well as beer. I’ve got a blanket wrapped about me. I’ve taken in a movie and am watching the televised celebrations in downtown Vancouver. I like that they have it on T.V. now.

As the countdown began I raised my glass up and shouted Happy New Year! I made phone calls and texted as many people as possible then watched the fireworks display before going to bed.

Welcome 2018!

2017 had begun with a sense of desperation and an overwhelming exhaustion carried over from years prior. I began the year by withdrawing from so many activities and organizations I’d been involved with.

Still I recognized that depression had once again settled in. I was isolating myself. All the insecurities and yearnings once again tossing me to the curb with all my perceived inadequacies washing over me.

I found it difficult to post any of my writings last year as well. A notebook is always with me ready to record anything that I need to purge onto the page, however, those ramblings were often sad and coming from a dark place inside me.

I thought of Gloria Vanderbilt talking about how the rainbow comes and goes. I’d read that particular book in 2016 and there are a few passages that resonated with me and still do.

Mid-year I began to emerge from this bout of depression. I am focused on the new job I began nine months ago.

I’ve started a new book. I am hoping to have the first draft completed by Spring 2018.

I need to become more disciplined and dedicated to my writing. I’ve got so many stories I want to tell. Time to get to it.

I am focused on my health as well. The vehicle accident back in 2015 mucked me up big time. Now I need to just try and find a level of fitness that I can maintain. I need to continue to work on my emotional well-being as well.

Time to get to it.

I hope that 2018 is a stellar year for everyone!

Happy New Year!

Peace.

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I sit before this screen thinking about the things I’d like to talk about. The rush of ideas come fast and furious. I could surely wax poetic on any number of things; I could rant on any number of issues as well. There are injustices a plenty that I could champion.

The screen remains empty.

I make my breakfast and pour another cup of coffee. I gaze out the window at a frozen world. It’s beautiful.

The view from my home on Dec 26, 2016

I’m wrapping up a challenging year that was preceded by a few tough years. I was asked a question at dinner with friends last night ‘What did you take from those experiences, what did you learn?’

Now this was in reference to my bout with cancer and the treatment provided. It could well apply to the vehicle accident that followed as well.

I responded that we need to ask questions and be kind to ourselves. And indeed we do. The question remains though. ‘What did I learn from this?’

And the screen, while I’ve jotted down these thoughts, no answer is readily coming.

Vancouver from the Ferry in September 2016

I entered 2016 in the metaphorical darkness of depression. I had felt the all too familiar slide begin. In truth, I’d been fighting this for quite some time. 2015 had begun with promise.

I was working out with a trainer and running with my group again wanting to take back my health after the cancer thing . The vehicle accident kibosh-ed my progress. The pipes in my building flat lined and the building had to be re-piped. For 3 months no hot water. I was attending physiotherapy and the bills began to mount.

My job was stressful yet I kept at it. Despite the pain, despite the overwhelming cost to fix our building I was beginning to slip. I’ve never experienced a back injury before and physically my condition was not improving. I would try to do things, but just walking was an agonizing thing at times.

A moon to remember

I was living with pain daily. I wasn’t sleeping. And I was still recovering from the effects of chemo and radiation.

‘What did I learn from all of this?’

Still an empty screen to this question.

Fear crept in. Was I going to lose everything I’d worked so hard for? In many ways I felt completely impotent regarding the direction my life was going.

Did I talk about any of this with anybody? No.

In my mind, to give it voice would give these feelings validity. I was in denial. My financial safety net was gone to the renovations in my building.

I then lost my job.

The quicksand I call depression was pulling me, enveloping me…my strength was gone.

Sunset December 2016 in Steveston

All of the avenues I’d been exploring…meditation, energy healing, etc. were no longer viable options for me. My head and heart weren’t there. I was in that all too familiar dark place.

In 2016 I sold my place and recovered some of my costs, though I still have debt, it is now manageable.

I found a condo that is now more of a home than my previous place. I found another job which I really like.

And a few months back I emerged from the mantle of depression.

What have I learned from all this?

Perhaps this is an ongoing lesson. Perhaps the answer has many layers to it.

One thing though, despite the darkness I appreciated and admired every morning that I’ve been graced with.

I still stop and stand in awe of a luminous moon rise and always let those who I’ve been so blessed to have in my life know it.

And I will never give up on myself. I will never give in to the pain of the past.

There is a balance between the dark and the light that must be found and met.

I will focus on wellness in 2017. I will ask for the help that I do in fact need and look to heal and strength my person.

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I have not written much in the last six months. In fact, I’ve not been writing much at all in any capacity.

Understand that it is not a lack of ideas. This head of mine never turns off, and there are times where I dearly wish it would take a break.

No, the ideas just pile up. When I slip into bed they fight for position and I promise to commit them all to the page so that I can get some much needed rest. At some point I will.

Been a tough year and half though. And at some point I had to finally accept that I am human after all. And I’ve been far too human for the majority of my life. What do I mean by this?

The pain of being incomplete…at least in my head. The pain of rejection, of not being loved by those who would impact my life directly (i.e. family), and the desire to just be whole.

So the quest was taken on and in 2010 such a major breakthrough!

I was soaring. Finding aspects of myself I’d never known and growing in every way imaginable. I was tearing down walls and breaking chains that had confined for a lifetime and I was scared shitless at all the emotions and moods that were enveloping me.

I produced my first book, was running 1/2 marathons and taking control of my life in a way I’d never done before. I liked who I was becoming…loved the direction I was moving in.

But I took these on the chin. I wasn’t prepared to let them take me down.

In January 2015 I had been working with a trainer for 3 months and had started back with my running group when the car accident happened.

‘I can never do anything with my hair phobia.’

But it wasn’t just that. It was being let go from a position I’d held for 5 1/2 years because chemo had messed up my focus. It was taking on a job that was far too stressful considering my physical issues…it was the a back injury that compounded all the issues and then the condo I owned having no hot water and a serious special assessment needing to be paid out.

I’ve never had a back injury. Finding myself in a position where just going for a walk left me in agony was so tough to deal with. I was trying desperately to hang onto what…I wasn’t too sure.

2015 was such a bad year for me. I toughed it out though. I had to. In typical fashion I figured I could do everything myself. HA!

Oh yes, I kept records for ICBC. I tried to get back my health only find I was worse off. Then depression hit. I was sinking. I was let go from the stressful job unceremoniously and without cause. My confidence was non-existent.

Between Cancer treatment and my pity parties I had put on 80 lbs. I felt and looked awful. I was in pain constantly and started to wonder if it all the shit was worth it. I was spending money irresponsibly.

I found another job after a few months but I was scared. My old place was sinking me and I was drowning in debt.

In the New Year I saw my place fixed up and sold it by mid-April. Paid down a big chunk of my debt and got set up in my new home, which I love!

Still, I was moving a frenetic pace. A new program at work…a reunion,..getting back on track with my health and trying to deal with behaviours that had reared their heads once again.

And now I’m sitting here hoping that my tenacious attitude to try and deal and resolve all this will succeed this time. And I pledge that I will never give up on whatever it is I am supposed to give back to this world.

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May the 9th as evolved as rather significant date in my life reaping various challenges upon me.

I’d been successful in selling my condo and was now on the hunt for new digs.

The last few years have been tough in many ways physically, emotionally and its been hard financially as well.

Seven years ago on May 9, 2010 I ran the Sun Run which is a 10 km race in Vancouver. Crossing the finish line had a profound effect on me. I had also just purchased my first home!

My focus became my health and well being. I decided it was time to tackle all the issues that had plagued me for a lifetime. I got back into running in a big way and decided it was time to dive into my passions and bring them to the forefront. I pursued writing and photography with a rabid hunger.

For the first time in my life I was really letting myself search my potential and even more so I was building upon it.

A book was in the works, I had joined writing groups, I’d taken a photography class and had found some shutterbugs to roam the streets with. And I was working on some emotionally deep issues as well.

Emotionally I was sideways for a time. Dealing with repressed issues was a strange balance between how I was and how I am now and putting them together to become the person I wanted to be.

People came into my life offering direction and guidance. And I was actually asking for help, in a round about way.

The introvert was becoming an extrovert. Still I was pretty rough around the edges. The emotional aspects were hard to express as I was living through it and not certain about any of it.

As the emotional storm began to settle health issues began to arise. The first was the heart issue. I had a stent put in and carried on. I was encouraged to keep running, to keep hitting the gym which I did. After being on blood thinners for a year and getting the all clear on my health I decided to treat myself to the BMO 1/2 Marathon.

Halfway through training I began to falter, however, I ran the 1/2 Marathon on May 5, 2013.

Four days later on May 9, 2013 I discovered I had uterine cancer. So came surgery and treatment. I worked through all of it, however, my performance at work was impacted as chemo can do a number on you. Six months after treatment was complete I was terminated and given 5 weeks notice after 5 1/2 years on the job.

A personality conflict with one of the partners was sited. The partner in question was a rude, cold individual who commented continually on my shortcomings during cancer treatment. In layman’s terms . An asshole.

I found another job within 3 weeks. Better pay and full benefits!

Some things, however, are not as they seem. While I initially thought this was the job I’d been looking for, it became anything but that.

Working with an antiquated computer system, and this was new industry for me, I walked into the worst mess I’ve seen. There had been no accountant in the position for 4 months prior. This had not been disclosed.

The promise of a new computer system that would be implemented within three months of my start date never happened and has still not occurred.

I’m either a fool or a trooper, perhaps a bit of both, but I dove into it, despite the fact that chemo still had me a little foggy. Perhaps that’s why I jumped in the way I did.

I worked hard. Really hard. Too hard. Rebuilding a company that was in serious relapse with its clients and vendors, restoring the relations necessary to do business in a manner that is balanced and productive. I worked along side two women who were exceptional and assisted in my efforts in every way.

In the New Year I headed to Vegas to visit a friend. A vehicle accident occurred. My car was totaled.

I thought I’d be fine. I wasn’t. As the months passed my neck and back were like a vise.

If my ability to remain focused had been a little challenged before now it was painfully so. Still I toughed it out. Didn’t take any time off as felt I could not. With dogged determination I muscled through. Working with a DOS based program requires you to think about applications differently as well.

Yet I did.

I was so close to having the whole thing brought up to date, so close to having all the checks and balances back in place, so close to completing what had at first seemed impossible when I was unceremoniously released from my employment contract.

This I didn’t see coming.

The other major issue for 2015 was the re-piping of my condo building. Twelve of the forty-seven units lost their hot water for three months. Mine was one of the units. The cost escalated to a ridiculous rate. I cleaned out my RSP and savings to pay for it.

2015 was a year where I felt that I was running up hill the entire year but not really moving.

In 2014 I’d started my own publishing company in early 2015 I’d released my book, however, with the chaos occurring in my life from the accident and the building repairs I thought it might be best to focus on marketing it later.

I’m nothing if not resourceful. Unable to run or hit the gym…and spending far too much time at physio I thought it may be prudent to build on my public speaking skills.

In effect I had none. So I joined my local Toastmasters to work on that aspect of self. 2015 was a tough year. Depression reared its ugly head and as the year closed out I found myself unemployed and feeling desperate.

I had worked so hard and now it felt like everything was starting to slip away. I had made some poor decisions. Shopping sprees that were ongoing for a time. Purchases of $300 in perfume that kind of thing. This is simply a reaction, an echo. It is not who I am.

Still, I found a job. And I like this one. I really like it. The fit is good.

I assessed my situation. The building was completed, I had my place painted and put it on the market.

And as stated I was successful with the sale and on May 9th, 2016 I found a new place!

A little rough around the edges, like me. I would make the space a beautiful one. I would make it a home.

In January I had renewed my mortgage and discussed the plan to sell with my mortgage specialist, who is fabulous. He set the mortgage up to be portable. All was good.

So when the call came that Canadian Housing Mortgage Corp. had pulled out, that I could not get financing…I spent last Wednesday evening in a very dark place.

What had I done wrong here? Was I going to lose everything again?

I had never missed a payment. Never defaulted on anything. Still I no longer had the safety net of my RSP and my savings had been depleted.

The point of all of this was to regain control of a situation that could well get out of control.

The following day I was resigned to the fact that it would be back to renting. My boss asked how I was doing with everything and I told him it looked liked I would be renting once more. His response would goad me back into action. “So…you’re just going to give up?”

Calls were made, bank managers were contacted. My mortgage guy went back to it and put it on the table. My realtor got an extension on the subjects being removed. Again it came as ‘No’ on Friday morning.

Well, that’s it then. I felt defeated, deflated, abandoned.

I wanted an explanation. Not the debt ratio where I was three percent out of what CMHC considered acceptable. I was not going to go out quietly.

Someone was deciding my fate without knowing how hard I’d worked to get here. Someone was looking at numbers, nothing more. Someone who didn’t know the hardships I’ve overcome to get to this point.

I picked up the phone. Then they at least had to know who they were saying ‘No’ to I decided.

The first fellow tried in vain to curtail my attempts to take this further.

Not once did I swear or raise my voice, though at times the emotions caused me to have a higher pitch. I insisted that I need to speak to a manager and was put on hold, a few times.

Finally he put me through to Joanne who had been dealing with my file from the get go. She did not want to talk to me.

I was not about to drag it out, I just wanted her to know what a tough year I’d had and that I was doing the right thing by taking the actions I had. She spouted privacy laws, she could only speak with the lender, not the person whose life her decision was affecting.

The debt ratio came up. She had laws to abide by. Had I broken a law here? No. Why was her organization pulling the plug when they had renewed my mortgage for 5 years just a few short months ago? The debt had been there then as well. It had been made portable for the very reason we were here today.

And damn! I’m so proud of how I relayed my message on Friday. With calm determination I wanted her to know that I was not a number. I’d made mistakes, yes. I’d had a tough year, but I’d paid for everything. I was taking care of everything in a responsible way. Why was I being cut short here? You are telling me that a three percentage point is going to alter my life?

Joanne would tell me nothing due to ‘privacy’ laws. I requested then that she contact my lender and provide an answer to my inquiries. I didn’t want to hear about debt ratio.

With the money laundering that is currently going in the real estate market…well, I won’t go there.

I think Kenny cringed a bit when he received the message from Joanne. She wasn’t happy. Still this had been an action I’d taken on my own. Kenny called me. He was going to try one more thing.

Collectively we held our breathes.

I was so very grateful to my boss and his father for encouraging me not to give up. I was so thankful that I had the mortgage and realtor guys that I do in my corner.

At 7:30 pm I got the call.

I was approved.

I’ve learned a great deal through this experience. I made many assumptions prior to beginning this exercise of buying and selling. This time I got my happy ending.

Now begins a new chapter. This time out I am whole, complete. This time I will reach for the stars and I’ll get there.

Just watch me.

Namaste.

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The past couple of years have challenged me on virtually every level. In 2010 I took on the greatest transition of my life and that was to accept myself as whole. It would take me up until about a month ago to realize I’d been successful in this endeavour.

I also realized it doesn’t stop there.

There is so much more depth, so much more life, so much more everything.

Then the health issues arose

The heart issues made me feel vulnerable and frail.

The Cancer?

Well this made me feel as though I’d been invaded. And the treatment of it made me feel ugly. I felt as if the beautiful soul I was discovering slipped from my sight back into the abyss of my subconscious.

I began once again to have the doubts I’ve lived a lifetime with and as per usual, I hid what I was feeling and I hid it very well.

I was recovering from the brutality of the cancer treatment, running again, taking back my health when the accident occurred.

It felt like a kick…

Last year was tough. Really tough. I’d released my book but found myself unable to concentrate on the game plan to market it.

The building I live in needed to be re-piped and this was costly.

The cement blocks of depression moved in once again making everything in my life feel unbearably heavy.

And fear. Always at the edge of my ego waiting to blossom if it gets the chance.

I didn’t listen to my body insisting that it needed for me to take a break. Unfortunately that has been a hard lesson to learn for me.

I took a week off after my heart procedure in 2011. I took two weeks off after having a full hysterectomy (uterine cancer) 2013 and the only took the days off that I was in a chemo session.

I took no time off after the accident.

Why? Well that’s fear for you. It comes in all forms. I was afraid to slow down and deviate from all the projects and social events I was attending. I was afraid to tell my workplace that I couldn’t concentrate. I was terrified when I was enveloped by the ‘chemo fog’ that I would never get the recall I once had that had been instrumental to my success thus far in this life.

Today I feel a calm I’ve not felt in a very long time. I’m releasing the anxiety that has bound me. What will be, will be. I’m trying to find that presence of mind and balance. Health issues are still being determined.

But I feel good. And I know that I’ll be okay. I don’t know how…I just do. I won’t fret about tomorrow or be anguished about my past. I only have this moment. Why should I expect anything else?

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I’ve not done this too much over the last month since I’ve been unemployed, however, I wanted to attend the Pan Pacific’s 28th Annual Christmas Wish Breakfast.

So with a book of poetry (local) and a movie gift card in hand, I stepped out into the dark of morning at 6:20 AM.

A fat full moon hung in luminous beauty on a velvety black sky as rows of white and red headlights blinked in unison in the pre-dawn along the highway.

I wanted to wish the gang at Rock 101 all the best as well. I really appreciate listening to them each morning. They elevate me. They are so warm and open.

And wow! It has been a while since I’ve watched the sunrise from downtown Vancouver! I watched as the Lions now sprinkled with snow turned a beautiful shade of pink just prior to the sun flooding the sky.

The line-up at the Pan Pacific was long and that’s cool. All of us in attendance were there to give back to those less fortunate. May everyone have a blessed time over the holidays.

I will be making my pilgrimage to BC Childrens’ Hospital again this year. Notification will go up today.

And it was such a pleasure to meet Willy and Kim. They’ve been a part of my mornings for a very long time along with Alyece who I met earlier this year.

It’s been a tough one.

Now I’m turning my focus toward all the good in my life. all the little things that make my life a little happier, a little more bearable in times such as these, a little more joyful.

And yes, the gang at Rock 101 does contribute to this factor along with my friends, and bearing witness to beautiful sunrise. It also helps to know that life will always have its ups and downs. Your character can well be measured by how you manage the pitfalls in your life.

For me, I keep this heart of mine full to bursting with all the love that it has been afforded. Indeed, I’m truly blessed.

I’ve a daughter who in many ways saved this soul of mine. I turned from a path of certain self-destruction to one of redemption and accountability.

And my god, the power of forgiveness!

To let go of the grievances that have plagued me, to rise above the hurt and pain, and release the the fear.

Priceless.

To grow and expand and realize int really isn’t about me at all.

It is about my connection to everyone and everything that I share this planet with.

Its about respect, about love, peace and the human experience.

At Toastmasters I’ve been informed that my speeches touch them on a very deep level.

I am humbled. This moves me in ways you cannot imagine.

I have fought through the challenges of presenting my person and move toward wanting to make a positive impact and truly make a difference in some form.

I’ll keep trying. Rick Hansen asked this of all us back in 2012 that were invited to run with him. I take this request to heart.

I just finished a delightful salad at The Reach and I’m feeling incredibly emotional. It’s a good thing though. A release of sorts.

Sometimes reminding myself that I’m part of this collective we call humanity is overwhelming.

I want to embrace and discard all the pain and suffering in this world as unreasonable as that sounds. I want to ensure that everything will be okay.

The fact that I’m here, alive and pushing toward life, demanding that its essence fill me…

Knowing that I am loved.

Is this not the greatest gift?

So I’ll keep on, keepin’ on.

Expansion will come the more I immerse myself with this world that surrounds me. In manner that is positive with no expectations.

I can only offer…does not mean what I give will be accepted.

And never is there any remorse or ill will that what I offer has been rejected.

Know it will always be there. What has been offered will never be removed.