Journey to Recovery from Childhood Abuse

Unidentifiable Triggers after Child Abuse

One of my biggest frustrations in dealing with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is getting triggered but not knowing the cause. I have been dealing with this for my entire life, and it really bothers me sometimes.

For example, I was having a pretty good day. My son got difficult, and I felt triggered but could not exactly explain why. I felt a strong urge to go off alone and cry, but I didn’t. Later that evening, after he had gone to bed, I felt an overwhelming compulsion to binge eat that I could not fight. I could not tell you why – just that I had to get as much food into my body as quickly as possible. By the next morning, I was completely fine.

I have reached the point of generally being able to tell that I have been triggered. That is a step in the right direction because I used to not be able to tell. I would feel a strong emotion and then look for a cause. Once I identified a “cause,” I would fixate on that reason, even though it really had nothing to do with why I was triggered.

These days, I can generally tell that I have been triggered. If I can identify why, then I know what to do to calm myself. For example, if a trigger reminded me of a fearful time, I remind myself that I am an adult and have the power to protect myself. If something triggered anger, I will give myself permission to release my anger about a particular situation. If something triggered sadness, I will comfort myself and find ways to meet those unmet needs.

However, all too often, I have absolutely no idea what triggered me or why. All I know is that I was fine one minute and then I found myself free-falling the next. When I cannot identify the cause, it makes it really hard for me to “fix” the problem. That is when I wind up leaning upon old standbys like binge eating, even though I do not want to go there anymore.

I wish I had a way to know each time I was triggered what the problem is and why. It is so frustrating to continue having my environment drive my emotions while I am left in the dark wondering why I am completely freaking out.

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I can relate to this. Sometimes I know what triggered me, other times I don’t. Even when I do know what started it, it doesn’t always make sense. Sometimes the oddest things will send me into a freefall.

I often get frustrated that I don’t have an established method of self-injury to turn to when I get triggered. I don’t binge, I don’t cut. I generally walk around the house, seething or crying, looking for anything to make me feel better. Sometimes I end up kicking things that are on the floor in my way, or throwing things that are handy. I often wish that I had the nerve to start cutting, because that would at least help me feel better. Or so I think when I’m in a mood like that.

It seems like I always have this thin veneer of control that prevents me from doing anything severe. When I’m not upset, I’m grateful for it, but when I’m in the middle of a down-spiral or freefall, I greatly resent it, because it means I have no release for the bad feelings. I’m forced to do nothing, and to feel terrible, until I can relax enough to go and sleep it off, or until my husband notices that I’m having a hard time and tries to comfort me.

I have a book I look to for ideas on how to comfort myself when I can’t think of anything helpful. It’s called “The Woman’s Comfort Book: A Self-Nurturing Guide for Restoring Balance in Your Life” and the best thing about it is a little chart where you can look up how you feel and it gives you suggestions on how to comfort yourself. My copy is pretty dog-eared.

As you mention, Faith, it is not always possible to know why we are triggered. In my case, since childhood I have panic attacks whenever I find myself in a bathroom with high ceilings and/or visible plumbing. Why? I have no idea, but it can be a nuisance when I need to “go”! Identifying this as a trigger helps make the panic more manageable.
Ahlize

I know exactly what you mean. I feel so liberated when I have been triggered and I know exactly why. But when I am triggered and I don’t know why I feel so confused because then I wonder was it a trigger, is it PMS, is it my meds, etc…my mind explodes trying to put my finger on what has cause be to switch gears all of a sudden. I guess I should be thankful I can identify some of the triggers.

Sometimes I think the triggers come from my thoughts, and not always whats around me. I have noticed I spend a lot of time being not ‘present’. Maybe pay attention to thoughts or perhaps the conversations/voices in your head.
Faith, have you thought any more about emdr. I had my 3rd session on Wednesday. I was feeling almost a constant need to si, rock, suck my thumb barf whatever. I was being triggered so often, most I cant explain. I feel a lot of that intensity is gone, for the last 48 hours I have managed to not si, with the exception of the bp. bp feels different to me though, it doesn’t require a trigger for me to engage in it… ??
Midge, Lady in a net, Ahlize have any of you done emdr?
ONly the best wishes for you Faith Lady in a net, Ahlize and Simon

I have not done EMDR yet. My therapist is planning to try it with me, perhaps as soon as next week. I am both looking forward to it and fearing it.

From my research, I’ve learned that EMDR can be very difficult emotionally, because you have to relive traumatic events in order to reprocess them. But it’s supposed to provide tremendous relief eventually, because in the end the traumatic memories will be stored in the part of the brain that handles long-term memories, and so the memories become distant and fade like regular memories.

If you’re becoming too stressed afterwards, it may be that you weren’t emotionally stable enough to begin EMDR, so your therapist may choose to stop and work on coping skills and strengthen you emotionally before continuing with EMDR. That’s what I’ve heard, anyway.

Midge Faith, Lady in a Net Ahlize, I hope its ok if I type this here… to explain my experience wth emdr.
My t started with on traumatic memory. I didn’t even have the whole picture, a lot of it was still sensory, physical intrusions. I wrote it down for her, what I could. Then we made sure I had a safe place I could go to in my mind, I do. Then we identified who might be a nurturer for me and a protector. I have a grizzly bear as my protector and my other t as my nurturer. In our sessions we use head phones – she allowed me to choose a prefered, sound/beep which would alternate left right left right… as I tap on my shoulders with my arms crossed over my chest.
She asked me to close my eyes and find my safe place, nod when I was there. THen she woudl begin the alternating beeps, my eyes are closed.
Once there She would then ask me to go back to the traumatic memory, nod when I am there. Sometimes she asks what is happening. sometimes she just lets me go through it. It is brief exposure. I choose when I want to come out or stay. I bring in my protector and my nuturer to help me. My t guides me if I am having difficulty. I go back to my safe place with my nuturer and protector. I posted on isurvive on Wednesday I think, the topic is ‘somehting positive from me, shocking I know’… kinda says how I felt after the 3rd emdr.
The going through it in the session is actually easier, I think than the flashbacks and the nightmares. I have more control and I have help. After the first 2 sessions I felt dazed, kind out there. In the following days I made several connections between my behaviors and, well I was identifying that I was being triggered and was able to say why that triggered me. Some of it I had, some i didn’t, but a few key connections started making sense.
Dont be afraid – I think its easier than a visual, emotional flashback or nightmares… Let me know how it goes

Wow! I am so amazed and find so much comfort in knowing that you relied on God to help you heal. I am 19, and in the same boat of binge eating, when I get anxious, for exams, papers, etc. (I am in college). Congratulations on your success thus far. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Though you may still be frustrated, know you have helped someone (me).

I have the same problem and am also trying to work through it, of trying to figure out what triggered me. Thank you so much. What really helped me as I read this is “meeting that need”. I will try to think of this when I want to binge, get SUPER anxious, etc. Keep the posts coming. Though I’m not a sexual abuse survivor, I am a verbal/emotional abuse survivor; I am also healing and trying so hard not to think of myself as a victim. Great job and as the Bible says “Be anxious for nothing, but in everything, by prayer and petition, take your worries to God.” (or something along those lines).

Thank you for writing this blog. I experienced my first flashback last week, one of impending…something. I don’t know what yet, but reading through the archives of your blog has reassured me that there is a way through whatever is coming.