As most recipes and cooking guides these days are more full of personal stories and pictures of significant others/beloved animals than they are cooking advice, let’s just skip all that for now and cut right to the chase. Here’s how to cook just like me:

Find a recipe you like.

Purchase 50-65% of the ingredients required for said recipe.

Follow the recipe for 2 or 3 steps.

Realize you don’t have all the necessary ingredients/the ingredients you do have aren’t cooperating as advertised.

Stop following the recipe.

Turn your attention to cooking other, non-recipe-related items, or doing other non-cooking related stuff (such as trying for the hundredth time to recover the password to your Yahoo email account, as that’s the only account your dad sends you emails to despite telling him a million times to send stuff to your gmail account).

Burn your hands multiple times on hot spatulas, pots, pans, oven racks, as a result of either not having or not using the proper cooking tools (i.e. being a numbnuts).

Swear at yourself.

Tell yourself that you’re “just going to cook from scratch” or that “you’d rather do a different recipe.”

Tax season is almost upon on, and if you made any money last year then it’s important that you do your taxes. I’m not really sure why. It just is. As you can probably tell, I am very knowledgeable when it comes to the related forms and whatnots, etc. involved in tax preparation stuff. So here are the most important things to keep in mind:

Claim things.

Don’t claim other things.

Argggghhh!

If you’re filing online don’t stop until you get confirmation that you can stop.

If you’re filing by paper/mail, you’re either a) very old, or b) a time-traveler. Good for you!

Here one minute, gone the next. That’s life. Life is fleeting, but so aren’t fleets. Nothing is more fleeting than fleets, actually. They are the fleetiest thing in this crazy thing called life. They are what the kids don’t refer to, as: “On Fleet!”

And the greatest fleet of them all? It’s a tie, between the Allied invasion fleet during D-Day and Fleetwood Mac.