Spoof news stories from Thursday 18 June 2009

Dismay today in England as www.theSpoof.com champion and legal eagle Queen Mudder almost came to grief performing a triple salko backwards forwards semi somersault with a double pike and twist, with a degree of difficulty of 786 at the World Satirica...

London - (Horny Ass Mess): Lovelorn TV naughty-boy Russell Brand is all set to woo red-hot Number One Top-of-the-Pops sensation Pixie Lott with a romantic dawn tryst on Hampstead Heath this Sunday.
A recent airport encounter with stunning eighteen...

Hollywood has been stunned by allegations that Orson Welles entire movie career was a Government cover-up for 1930s alien contact.
Conspiracy theorist Stephen Williams suggests that in 1938 Orson Welles was New York station SMTV's live news report...

Michael Jackson who recently visited a cinema wearing his pyjamas last week, according to US rapper Akon, has been named by President Barack Obama as his new Czar of the Bizarre!
Akon, the hip-hop star, who collaborated with Jackson on his new sin...

London, Neverland - Ex Prime Minister Tony Blair today received an award from the UN Security Council for being not quite as shit at being PM as Margaret Thatcher.
"Blair wasn't great," said Limousin Stretch, of Lululand. "But Thatcher was even wo...

Now the subject of much controversy, an unnamed scientific organization in Bern, Switzerland now claims that the common squirrel, in fact, evolved from bananas.
The president of the organization, Murman Dinkles, says he wasn't surprised. "I me...

NEW YORK CITY - New York Yankees superstar Alex Rodriguez, aka A-Rod has finally commented on the Letterman-Palin controversy which centered around him.
A-Rod said that he first heard about all of the brouhaha when he was sitting in the dugout dur...

Our Members of Parliament have excelled themselves in their care and concern for the mental and physical wellbeing of we, the voters.
In an effort to reduce the risk of stroke, coronary infarction or apoplexy in those who follow the news, they hav...

Sick to death of throwing bombs at each other the IRA and Protestant Paramilitary Groups have joined forces with a common strategy to eradicate everybody and everything that speaks a different language and comes from Rumania!
After years of civil...

LA HABRA, California - It is official 32-year-old Jon Gosselin of the reality show, Jon and Kate Plus 8 has admitted that he is dating none other than OctuMom.
Gosselin said that he just got fed up with the way that his wife was treating him. She...

Consternation today in the USA as TheSpoof.com writer and erstwhile cake baker Madame Bitters put herself up for a big erection in China.
"Yeah, I did that," Bitters told us in an unguarded moment. "But I didn't put myself up for an erection of an...

Harvard professor Gene Genepool today announced that the multi-billion dollar sport of soccer, slavishly followed by billions of people all over the world will die out as a spectator sport within the next two years.
Professor Genepool told us that...

A cat has been found alive after being locked for over a month in a metal container. He was discovered by an electrician and reunited with his owner, who had almost given up hope of ever seeing him again.
His owner was amazed to find he was alive...

Just when we thought it was all over, Roofarians disease has raised it's ugly head again. The disease, which principally affects criminally inclined people who strip lead off church roofs by permeating the soles of their shoes and turning their feet...

Cyber Space News - Bargis Tryrol, the creation of Grand Spoofer Buckwheat, and formerly known as The Man with the World's Largest Penis, has been cut down to size after an ill fated personal meeting arranged on the internet with a serial Deboner an...

A Buckingham Palace spokesperson for the Prince of Wales, Prince Charles, has said that His Royal Highness would consider any moves by Iranian clerics to install him as the next Ayatollah (or ultimate Spiritual and Political Head) of Iran.
The cr...

Blackpool, UK - A man who sells sputum for the purposes of conversion to biofuel has been charged with improper storage of a noxious substance. The man, 52 year-old Clayton Sproule of Blackpool, has pleaded no contest on this offence but not guilty o...

The Wachowski brothers have acknowledged that Matrix Revolutions has completely destroyed the credibility of the first two films.
However, they had been unable to invent a way of rescuing the series in such a way that it enabled the hard core Matr...

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Secretary of State Hillary Clinton fell and fractured her right elbow while playing tennis with Queen Elizabeth of England at a local YMCA.
With Clinton trailing the queen she lunged to get a line shot and twisted her elbalistic...

After the massive multi-billion dollar success of the four films in the Terminator Trilogy, movie bosses have been scouring the internet looking for ideas for the fifth and probably final part in the Terminator franchise.
Scriptwriters and produc...

Hollywood (FTB newswire) It's a marriage made under the Big Top. FTB News learned that Britney Spears and lion tamer Jason Trawic are going to quit clowning around and tie the knot. After a series of underwear-less romps the singer has decided to ad...

New York, NY - Talk show host, David Letterman, was rushed to Mt. Sinai Hospital in New York city this morning after he began having seizures and blackouts. Preliminary reports suggest he may be enduring a case of 'Terminal Adolescence'.
Dr. Maur...

Hollywood reporters in New York City reported Tuesday that Robert Pattinson was caught on camera with several bruises on his face that are supposed to be a special make-up job for his new movie, "Remember Me".
However, some are now asking if the m...

In a dramatic CIA press release this morning, it was announced that an internet blogger who goes by the name of Twotowers is believed to be Osama Bin Laden.
Using high-tech search and locate technology the CIA announced that they had located a blo...

The son of a fly, cruelly swatted by US President Barack Obama during a TV interview, today extracted vengeance, according to the fly.
In a carefully guarded statement, the fly revealed its revulsion at the President's casual murder of it's father...

Police today raided the home of Britain's Got Talent's fragile superstar Susan Boyle in Blackburn, Scotland, not the scabby one in Lancashire with a crap football team.
In a dramatic dawn raid, a police officer emerged to inform waiting paparazzi...

Arlington, Va - In a measure to deflect an increasing backlash from animal rights groups and republicans regarding President Obama's fly swatting incident, the White House announced today that it will seak to erect a new monument to adorn Arlington C...

Hollywood - Actress Lindsay Lohan is suing Romanian born tatoo artist Rudescam Butucelea after he tattooed her bottom with the logos of the big three automakers, General Motors, Ford, and Chrysler.
Lindsay Lohan's representative is adamant that th...

The BBC has refused to confirm press reports that Strictly Come Dancing judge Arlene Phillips is to be replaced by father and son dance duo Stavros Flatley.
Stavros Flatley were a massive hit on ITV's Britain's Got Talent show a few weeks ago, and...

It has been a busy week for Mr Mahmoud Ahmadinejad who has just claimed first prize in the annual Iran's tallest man competition.
The lanky leader who officially measured in at 7 foot 6 said he was "Over the moon with the result". He then joked t...

"I hope I can get a-hold of that old fart's nuggets sometimes, I'd make his eyeballs pop out of his head a lot more than they did when he took all those films of us."
This was stated by a Mrs. X, a 63-year old Granny who does not want to be identified after two 50-Plus year old men claimed they were doing a movie called "Granny's Gone Wild!"
"Elinor...uh, Ms. XX first told me about it and sh...

Ms Katona and her Icelandic sponsors have reacted in a most uncharitable way to a recent spoof story "Is Kerry Katona Real ?" by issuing a strongly worded press statement which they have demanded be printed here. So here it is peeps:
"We the proud Icelandic Nation have been shocked and dismayed at the recent unprovoked verbal attack on our National and revered heroin the gracious and mild mann...

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Ever since Sherri Goforth sent an e-mail depicting President Barack Obama as a pair of eyes on a black background, most Americans presumed Rush Limbaugh would be quick to jump on the bandwagon, condemning the document as racist.

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Republican Senator John Ensign, 51, of Nevada has resigned his senate leadership post due to an extra-marital affair with a 26-year-old girl scout leader.
The senator nicknamed Yanni since he kind of resembles the musical compos...

WASHINGTON, D.C. - PETA, The People for Ethical Treatment of Animals has criticized President Obama for killing a fly that was flying around during his interview.
The executive director of PETA Mimosa Ledbetter said that she was shocked as she sat...

Nashville Texas - Breaking news: the alcoholic population of the state of Texas today stood firmly behind their brothers and sisters in the state of New Mexico, who have universally condemned the teaching of sexual persuasion to their children in sta...

SHANGHAI - Amidst increasing international pressure, the infallible Chinese government has vowed to remove the blood, sweat, and tears - particularly the sweat - associated with its myriad of archaic sweatshops.
To achieve this, it has plans to r...

Owner of controversial The Phoenix Club, in Bolton, Lancashire; wheelchair bound Brian Potter has reportedly signed up to an £80 million deal to present a travel show by Travelling World TV.
This wouldn't be the controversial club owner's first fo...

Bangkok, Thailand - Medical Examiners in Thailand have released a statement of their findings in the death of American actor, David Carradine.
"With an autopsy being only part of the analysis, we have concluded that his death was caused when the...

Tehran,Iran/ Backdoor Erection News - Iran erupted in FLAMING revolt after the recent Presidential election which was actually a referendum on gay and lesbian rights sponsored by GLSEN, a US activist group responsible for pushing Gay and Lesbian e...