If I don’t show up to work tomorrow, it’s because the FBI has arrested me, thrown me in jail and confiscated all my stuff. I just got an email from FBI director Robert Mueller III. The subject line of the email is as follows:

“Attn: This is to inform you that we the fbi have a warrant to arrest you if we dont hear from you immediately,this is the final warning you are going to receive from the fbi office do you get me? I hope youre understand how many times this message has been sent to you. We have warned you so many times and you have decided to ignore our e-mails we have been instructed to get you arrested immediately, and today if you fail to respond back to us with the payment then, we will close your bank account and jail you and all your properties will be confiscated by the fbi.Robert Mueller, III FB I Director”

That’s the subject line, mind you. Imagine how scary the email itself is. ... Actually, that’s all there is to the email. Huh.

By the way, if you ever need to contact the director of the FBI, his email address is hamhock3@aol.com.

Nukemap is a handy online app that allows you to rain some nuclear annihilation down on your hometown (or any town for that matter). Simply input the GoogleMaps location you’d like to destroy and select the historical payload you want to unleash. (Do you feel like the dainty 16-kiloton “Little Boy” or the whopping 3.3-megaton Chinese ICBM today?) Then, push the button and see if your neighborhood survives. Probably not. It’s scary and fun ... and educational too, I guess.

Rep. Ben Ray Luján, who represents Santa Fe and northern New Mexico, was signed on as a cosponsor of SOPA. A few minutes ago, his spokesperson Andrew Stoddard sent word that Luján was no longer supporting the measure:

Online piracy is a serious issue that hurts our economy and costs us jobs in New Mexico. Counterfeit medication and contaminated drugs that are sold online endanger the health of Americans. It is clear that steps need to be taken to combat online piracy, but after further review, I have decided that I can no longer support SOPA in its current form. Over the past few weeks, I have heard from many of my constituents who agree that piracy is an issue that must be addressed yet have serious concerns with provisions in this bill. After listening to them and talking with folks in the district over the weekend, I took another hard look at the bill. While we need to take steps to address online piracy, we must also protect the unique qualities of the Internet.

At least, the Alibi hopes they're pretend. Because no one should outlaw Don Schrader's booty shorts. Our official editorial policy is firmly in favor of those shorts. Anonymous sources confirm: The other apparel option is nekkidness.

Like a bumbling discoverer from centuries past, last week I stumbled on a populated continent: netlabels.org, a catalog of labels offering free mp3 downloads. You can shovel through the heap of costless audio by genre. There are 500 categories, each housing anywhere from one to 100+ labels. Those labels harbor scores of musicians and release their cuts on the web, no charge.

Now you can get intimate with even more bands than your compatriots, which is vital to reproductive success.

The Picture of Dorian Gray

The Picture of Dorian Gray is a classic Gothic horror novel by Oscar Wilde. It’s also a nifty little web game. Cute little Dorian is aging at a rapid pace. You’d better solve a series of puzzles quickly, or the dude is gonna expire of old age. The title has “Chaper 1” in it, so we can assume more of these will be on their way. This one’s (very) short, but sweet.