What I Do When Bipolar Disorder Makes Me Feel Alienated From Others

Last month, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Until my body gets used to the medications, I’m considered to be on the “bipolar spectrum,” meaning there is no specification of whether I am bipolar type I or II. Regardless, I am happy to have at least some idea of why I am the way I am.

One of the worst parts of having bipolar is feeling alienated. I feel isolated, left out and alienated on a daily basis. My friends don’t seem to care what happens to me, how I feel or what is going on in my life, despite my numerous efforts to be active in theirs. I am rarely extended an invitation anywhere and I am usually the person who extends the invitations, despite the lack of people who show up. The only time I am checked on is after I tell someone how I feel, and that only lasts for a few days before I am suddenly on the back burner again. Some of you may be thinking, “Why don’t you get better friends?” The problem is not only that it is difficult for me to make friends being unemployed and out of school, but it’s hard to determine what is real and what is a symptom of my bipolar disorder. Are my friends actually leaving me out, or am I overdramatizing the situation?

To determine the answer to this question, there are a few things I can do. Firstly, I need to stop keeping score. I find myself often going back in my texts and seeing who was the first to message who. How many times did I get called by Person A today? How many times has Person B responded within a few minutes vs. a few hours/days? Doing things like this only leads me down a path my disorder has created. One of the best things I’ve done for myself recently is delete my texts at the end of each day. This way, I can’t go back and check on these silly little details.

I feel alienated for several reasons and social media only makes that 100 times worse. It helps me to avoid checking up on your friends’ social media profiles. I noticed I started taking mental notes of my friends’ activities. Person A went to the movies with a mutual friend, but when I invited them to a movie they turned me down and said they didn’t feel well. In reality, that person most likely didn’t feel well or wasn’t in the mood for a movie. That’s not a crime. However, my bipolar disorder tells me that person is making excuses to avoid hanging out with me because they dislike me, think I’m too sick or am boring. No matter what that person’s excuse is, my brain makes me believe they dislike me. Instead of keeping mental notes about my friends’ days, I decided to avoid social media. I unfollowed many of my close friends on Facebook and Instagram so I can avoid those dangerous thoughts.

What about in real life? How can I avoid real life triggers for these feelings? This one’s not as simple, and I’m still trying to figure out this portion of my thought life. One way I’ve started to succeed in this is to stop overanalyzing situations no one else is analyzing. For example, when I go to the bar with friends, I start to notice who is the center of the conversation, what body language and facial expressions are made toward certain people versus myself and who is surrounded by the most people. This is another way of keeping score that I have rationalized into being simply “fascinated with human behavior.” In reality, this analyzing causes me to feel inferior when, in fact, I am equal to my peers. Once I learn how to stop this behavior, I will be more capable of maintaining relationships without feeling second best.

Bipolar disorder is a sneaky disorder, tricking me into believing things that are much more simple than I perceive them. I struggle with my relationships daily, and it’s hard not to feel second best. Thankfully, I am on a daily medication to assist me, but I have to control my own behavior as well. One day, I will be able to feel equal to my peers and have a healthy relationship. Until then, I am learning about myself all over again.

My name is Kylee and I’m 23 years old. I live in Portsmouth, VA. I have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I love playing video games and watching movies. I got married on Christmas Eve of 2016 and my husband is my biggest advocate; he serves his country in the US Navy. When I’m not battling my inner demons, I’m either playing with my cat or embroidering. One day, I hope to travel the world.