One of my best friends once paid an Italian hooker $20 to brush his teeth on the street in what I consider his finest moment, so it’s possible that I’m the perfect audience for this new feature from Fat Jew (don’t look at me like that, that’s his name), “Hookers Do Non-Sexual Stuff.” Here they are in the first installment, toplessly re-enacting the famous scene from Braveheart with Jews for horses. Oh, toplessly, you’re my favorite adverb. My grandfather told me never to look a topless horse in the mouth, but I’m pretty sure those aren’t real hookers. And I’d like to think I know what a real hooker looks like. I’ve met your mom.

(blurred, but semi-NSFWish)

Why are that one girl’s boobs all blurry? It’s like her areolae are made of tiny sasquatches!