Friday, August 27, 2010

All I Can Say

I'm back in the United States and I miss Korea beyond words but it's quite nice to be back home. After visiting my etnic home of yucky cigarette smoke and filthy air, it was so so so refreshing to breathe Washington air again. Man, as I quote my mom "Washington's air is the air of heaven." Really.

And before I move on to my outfit post (I can't wait to show you pics!), I'm going to be sappy and type up my last journal about my pops and how he lives in Korea (it was written while I was still there):

I keep thinking about the next time I'll see you. Another year? That's even doubtful. Another year of nights playing Boggle with just mom as two empty seats - your's and bro's - stare at me. Another year of watching mom making decisions by herself. Weekends of 30 minute telephone calls with you will be the closest I get to you - unless you awkwardly learn how to Skype and do webcam chats. Another year of being without you, and it might even be longer than that.

Then I'll be off to college, I'll be busy, cuz life moves on. So four years of my best years, without you. Even if I want to see you, I'll be busy. And even if you want to see me, you can't because that's where you've made it, and that's where you'll be. Even if I were to get married, you won't be here. Even if something were to happen, you can't make it. I'll always have to go to you instead of you visiting me. Can't be you come here to stay? No. That's the way it is. You won't be here. There's just something missing. Always.

I keep thinking about if you'll be ok. I heard you have high cholesterol and you're body weight and fat percentage isn't so great - I'm not surprised. Will you be alright even if I'm not there to snatch that bag of crackers from you - as I sneak a piece for myself? All I can do is pray and look at the moon - the same moon you see at night - and hope for the best. I already miss you. My hand gets numb as tears start forming. My body feels weak and vulnerable even though you're just a few feet away as I write this, playing BaDook on the laptop.

I'll miss how you unconsciously smile as you watch your favorite Korean dramas about competitive bakery stores and Korean mafia men. I'll miss late night cucumber massages. I'll miss eating out and you telling me to "take your time to eat everything" even though I always take over an hour to eat every crumb anyway. There's so much I'll miss. Although I entrust my worries to God, one thing is for sure - I'll miss you. I already do.