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The Point News April 1,1995
Vice president bankrupts College
BY LOW SELL HIGH
staff writer
College Vice-President for Admin­istration,
John Underwood, is a fugi­tive
from justice today, after losing
over a billion dollars in College money
playing the stock market in high-risk
derivatives.
Apparently Underwood was di­rectly
investing in the market with
state funds, using dummy corpora­tions
and his office phone and com­puter,
which is illegal under Security
Exchange Commision (SEC) rules.
“Underwood’s larceny will not go
unpunished,’’promised Public Safety
Director Harry Tafe, “We have been
following his shady deals for some
time, ever since he and his wife started
driving that new Supra around, we ’ ve
had our. suspicions.” . , '
“The investigation has been a real
team effort,” Tafe continued. “It’s all
very complicated, the FBI would not
take the ease so it was up to us. This
is really technical stuff, none of us
have been, trained specifically for it,
but everybody stretched a bit. I mean
real sacrifice.. Officer Jack Cullison
has spent,hours,;reading the SEC fil­ings
in the Wall Street Journal. Tony
Brooks got off that damn bicycle for
once and went undercover. I Joanne
[Robinson, Assistant Director ofPub-lic
Safety] and I have been conduting
SMC’s sailing team takes off in hot pursuit of yacht thief and fugitive from justice, V.P. John Underwood.
surveillance and gathering evidence.
Oh yeah, the Nighthawks are
invaluable, always bringing in fresh
pastries and washing the Cherokee.”
Just as investigators were closing
in on Underwood, he evaded his Pub­lic
Safety pursuers and “made good
his escape” aboard the College yacht,
Challenge America.
“Shiver me timbers, I’ll quaterhaul
‘em by the yardarm when I get me
hands on ‘em,” said Director- of the
Waterfront Mike Ironmonger com­menting
on the theft of the College’s
prized yacht.
The College Sailing Team, with
the assistance ofthe U.S. Coast Guard,
has launched a bay-wide manhunt to
capture the treacherous Underwood.
“I ’m confident we’ll catch
Underwood, after all I always get my
man,”said SailingTeam Coach Adam
Werblow.
According to papers filed in court
today, the College now owes over a
billion dollars to its creditors. An
(See FUGITIVE, Page 4)
Longrawaited Green Door Shuttle blasts off
______' E W 1 fL _lii—S'* ’ . . 'i'i ■ * ■ ' . • _ _
BUY AMERICAN
; staff writer
After months.of deliberations.and
planning, Student Activities and Presi­dent
Ted Lewis have mobilized The
Green Door Shuttle. Despite the ar­dent
pleas of David Myers, who
claimed that the school should nei­ther
facilitate nor condone student
alcohol use, pressure from the stu­dents
forced the administration to in­troduce
the Shuttle.
In an unexpected move, President
I^wis announced that he would be
the designated driver of the Shuttle,
which, until a larger vehicle can be
purchased, will be that VW bus which
is often inhabited by members of the
lacrosse team.
Rumor has it that on the first run of
the Shuttle, last Monday, Lewis sang
along to the Grateful Dead standard
Casey Jones and taught passengers
how to roll their own “R’s.” All the
way down Route 5, Lewis and pas­sengers
chanted: “Liberal arts, liberal
arts, liberal arts.”
Peter Dent, President of the SMC
chapter of DAMM (Drunks Against
Mad Mothers), was thrilled at the
announcement of the new shuttle, but
said, “I don’t think you will see me on
the bus because I like the peaceful
drive home from the Door after a
night of throwing down beers.”
Dent continued, “Besides, my car
needs a few more dents in it to be as
styling as it could be, buddy.”
The Sailing team was unavailable
for comment as they all passed out
inside the bar before they could make
it to the Shuttle.
However, baseball captain Brian
Lopez, who was escorted by two
women was heard screaming
“Andalay, Andalay, Andalay... Hey
Lewis, get this boat moving already,”
as he boarded the Shuttle for the first
time.
After two weeks of operation, the
Shuttle is running flawlessly, except
for the several missing parts which
were replaced for a mere $7,000. Ryan
Ridge immediately denied any in­volvement,
but said, “I’ll admit to it
after Judicial Board finds me not
guilty.”
Thom Rafferty, who was thrown
out of the Green Door for serving
alcohol to three second-graders, said,
“At least when I got kicked out Ted
and the Shuttle were waiting to take
me home.” When Rafferty was kicked
out, Lacrosse Captain Jimmy Mohler
promptly escorted the three young
ladies home and plans to have serious
(See SHUTTLE, Page 4)
Peacocks ousted; replaced by
pack of roving, wild dogs
BY MENNON
staff writer
A pcacock mulls over a job offer from Oberlin.
College administrators announced this week that
the peacocks, the unofficial campus mascots, would
be replaced with packs of roving attack dogs.
Mainly composed of large, viscious canines like pit
bulls or rottweilers, the packs would patrol the
campus trails and pathways.
“Well, we decided to go with this dog idea for a
number of reasons.” said Vice President John
Underwood.
“For me, the most compelling reason is disease
control,” he explained. “On our campus when one
person gets sick, everybody gets sick. Not any­more.
Like a wild hunting pack sniffing out a herd
of gazelles, they’ll be able to detect the sick and
mentally deficient and weed them out.”
Some opposition to the proposal was voiced at
the last faculty senate meeting.
“What the hell are they thinking? Are they off
their @**%ing rockers? I’m tired of this bullS#*!,
said Lucille Clifton, distinguished campus poet
noted for her eloquence.
Another professor outlined the faculties’ main
problem with the proposal: “Look, we work hard,
but its mental work and that don’t bum no calories.
I can't write on the blackboard for five minutes
without weezing. Look at this gut! Look at Bob
over there, he’s old and he’s broken his hip twice.
These dogs just won’t understand the meaning of
tenure!”
Students seem undisturbed by the news of im­pending
doom. “Haven’t you figured us out yet,
Mr. Reporter? We the student body don’t care
about anything until it is already here.” a junior
biology student explained.
“We’ll probably start whining about it three
months after the first deaths occur. It’s our nature.
(See DOGS, Page 4)
Foul Play
Rigged housing
selection part of
college cover-up
BY GEORGE
staff writer
A secret college report reveals
the recently completed “North­ern
Crescent (NC) block” of
townhouses have serious struc­tural
damage and will be con­demned
after students leave in
May. College officials discovered
the flaws during routine inspec­tions
over Spring break, but had no
plans to tell students, instead using
an elaborate cover-up scheme, in­cluding
rigging this year’s
townhouse selectionprocesstohide
the truth from the public.
Over a hundred students were
turned down in this year’s
townhouse selection process.
College officials blamed the un­usually
high number of returning
students as the reason for the
high number of students not re­ceiving
townhouses, but the docu­ments
uncovered by The Point
News tell a different story.
The fifty pages of memos de­tail
the poor condition of the
townhouses and reveal the co­vert
scheme hatched by College
administrators.
“After examining the condi­tion
of several houses, we con­cluded
that living in these units is
extraordinarily hazardous, and
that these units are unsafe for
normal habitation, which of
course excludes students . . . In
addition to the construction flaws
the living condition of several
houses, especially in the kitchens,
was no better than one might ex­pect
to find in lesser developed
third-world countries,” wrote Di­rector
of Facilities Chip Jackson.
“With enough spackle and
crazy glue the risk would prob­ably
be acceptable for students -
- thanks to the latest US News
rankings we got a list a mile long
of wanna-be students that will
take the place of any student who
withdraws or is killed -- but we
need to consider the welfare of
our summer tenants.”
Apparently administrators plan
to bulldoze the NC block over the
summer, and the townhouses
were not included as available
units in this year’s room selec­tion,
leaving many students who
applied without housing.
Originally, according to the
documents, the College planned
to assign students to the NC block
for next year, and next Fall the
students would be informed upon
arrival that they would have to live
in an undesenbed ‘ temporary shel­ter.”
codenamed “PATUXENT’
in College documents.
“Those students who are dis­placed
will just have to suck it
up,” wrote one administrator, “I
do not see what is so horrible
about the dorms anyways.”

The Point News April 1,1995
Vice president bankrupts College
BY LOW SELL HIGH
staff writer
College Vice-President for Admin­istration,
John Underwood, is a fugi­tive
from justice today, after losing
over a billion dollars in College money
playing the stock market in high-risk
derivatives.
Apparently Underwood was di­rectly
investing in the market with
state funds, using dummy corpora­tions
and his office phone and com­puter,
which is illegal under Security
Exchange Commision (SEC) rules.
“Underwood’s larceny will not go
unpunished,’’promised Public Safety
Director Harry Tafe, “We have been
following his shady deals for some
time, ever since he and his wife started
driving that new Supra around, we ’ ve
had our. suspicions.” . , '
“The investigation has been a real
team effort,” Tafe continued. “It’s all
very complicated, the FBI would not
take the ease so it was up to us. This
is really technical stuff, none of us
have been, trained specifically for it,
but everybody stretched a bit. I mean
real sacrifice.. Officer Jack Cullison
has spent,hours,;reading the SEC fil­ings
in the Wall Street Journal. Tony
Brooks got off that damn bicycle for
once and went undercover. I Joanne
[Robinson, Assistant Director ofPub-lic
Safety] and I have been conduting
SMC’s sailing team takes off in hot pursuit of yacht thief and fugitive from justice, V.P. John Underwood.
surveillance and gathering evidence.
Oh yeah, the Nighthawks are
invaluable, always bringing in fresh
pastries and washing the Cherokee.”
Just as investigators were closing
in on Underwood, he evaded his Pub­lic
Safety pursuers and “made good
his escape” aboard the College yacht,
Challenge America.
“Shiver me timbers, I’ll quaterhaul
‘em by the yardarm when I get me
hands on ‘em,” said Director- of the
Waterfront Mike Ironmonger com­menting
on the theft of the College’s
prized yacht.
The College Sailing Team, with
the assistance ofthe U.S. Coast Guard,
has launched a bay-wide manhunt to
capture the treacherous Underwood.
“I ’m confident we’ll catch
Underwood, after all I always get my
man,”said SailingTeam Coach Adam
Werblow.
According to papers filed in court
today, the College now owes over a
billion dollars to its creditors. An
(See FUGITIVE, Page 4)
Longrawaited Green Door Shuttle blasts off
______' E W 1 fL _lii—S'* ’ . . 'i'i ■ * ■ ' . • _ _
BUY AMERICAN
; staff writer
After months.of deliberations.and
planning, Student Activities and Presi­dent
Ted Lewis have mobilized The
Green Door Shuttle. Despite the ar­dent
pleas of David Myers, who
claimed that the school should nei­ther
facilitate nor condone student
alcohol use, pressure from the stu­dents
forced the administration to in­troduce
the Shuttle.
In an unexpected move, President
I^wis announced that he would be
the designated driver of the Shuttle,
which, until a larger vehicle can be
purchased, will be that VW bus which
is often inhabited by members of the
lacrosse team.
Rumor has it that on the first run of
the Shuttle, last Monday, Lewis sang
along to the Grateful Dead standard
Casey Jones and taught passengers
how to roll their own “R’s.” All the
way down Route 5, Lewis and pas­sengers
chanted: “Liberal arts, liberal
arts, liberal arts.”
Peter Dent, President of the SMC
chapter of DAMM (Drunks Against
Mad Mothers), was thrilled at the
announcement of the new shuttle, but
said, “I don’t think you will see me on
the bus because I like the peaceful
drive home from the Door after a
night of throwing down beers.”
Dent continued, “Besides, my car
needs a few more dents in it to be as
styling as it could be, buddy.”
The Sailing team was unavailable
for comment as they all passed out
inside the bar before they could make
it to the Shuttle.
However, baseball captain Brian
Lopez, who was escorted by two
women was heard screaming
“Andalay, Andalay, Andalay... Hey
Lewis, get this boat moving already,”
as he boarded the Shuttle for the first
time.
After two weeks of operation, the
Shuttle is running flawlessly, except
for the several missing parts which
were replaced for a mere $7,000. Ryan
Ridge immediately denied any in­volvement,
but said, “I’ll admit to it
after Judicial Board finds me not
guilty.”
Thom Rafferty, who was thrown
out of the Green Door for serving
alcohol to three second-graders, said,
“At least when I got kicked out Ted
and the Shuttle were waiting to take
me home.” When Rafferty was kicked
out, Lacrosse Captain Jimmy Mohler
promptly escorted the three young
ladies home and plans to have serious
(See SHUTTLE, Page 4)
Peacocks ousted; replaced by
pack of roving, wild dogs
BY MENNON
staff writer
A pcacock mulls over a job offer from Oberlin.
College administrators announced this week that
the peacocks, the unofficial campus mascots, would
be replaced with packs of roving attack dogs.
Mainly composed of large, viscious canines like pit
bulls or rottweilers, the packs would patrol the
campus trails and pathways.
“Well, we decided to go with this dog idea for a
number of reasons.” said Vice President John
Underwood.
“For me, the most compelling reason is disease
control,” he explained. “On our campus when one
person gets sick, everybody gets sick. Not any­more.
Like a wild hunting pack sniffing out a herd
of gazelles, they’ll be able to detect the sick and
mentally deficient and weed them out.”
Some opposition to the proposal was voiced at
the last faculty senate meeting.
“What the hell are they thinking? Are they off
their @**%ing rockers? I’m tired of this bullS#*!,
said Lucille Clifton, distinguished campus poet
noted for her eloquence.
Another professor outlined the faculties’ main
problem with the proposal: “Look, we work hard,
but its mental work and that don’t bum no calories.
I can't write on the blackboard for five minutes
without weezing. Look at this gut! Look at Bob
over there, he’s old and he’s broken his hip twice.
These dogs just won’t understand the meaning of
tenure!”
Students seem undisturbed by the news of im­pending
doom. “Haven’t you figured us out yet,
Mr. Reporter? We the student body don’t care
about anything until it is already here.” a junior
biology student explained.
“We’ll probably start whining about it three
months after the first deaths occur. It’s our nature.
(See DOGS, Page 4)
Foul Play
Rigged housing
selection part of
college cover-up
BY GEORGE
staff writer
A secret college report reveals
the recently completed “North­ern
Crescent (NC) block” of
townhouses have serious struc­tural
damage and will be con­demned
after students leave in
May. College officials discovered
the flaws during routine inspec­tions
over Spring break, but had no
plans to tell students, instead using
an elaborate cover-up scheme, in­cluding
rigging this year’s
townhouse selectionprocesstohide
the truth from the public.
Over a hundred students were
turned down in this year’s
townhouse selection process.
College officials blamed the un­usually
high number of returning
students as the reason for the
high number of students not re­ceiving
townhouses, but the docu­ments
uncovered by The Point
News tell a different story.
The fifty pages of memos de­tail
the poor condition of the
townhouses and reveal the co­vert
scheme hatched by College
administrators.
“After examining the condi­tion
of several houses, we con­cluded
that living in these units is
extraordinarily hazardous, and
that these units are unsafe for
normal habitation, which of
course excludes students . . . In
addition to the construction flaws
the living condition of several
houses, especially in the kitchens,
was no better than one might ex­pect
to find in lesser developed
third-world countries,” wrote Di­rector
of Facilities Chip Jackson.
“With enough spackle and
crazy glue the risk would prob­ably
be acceptable for students -
- thanks to the latest US News
rankings we got a list a mile long
of wanna-be students that will
take the place of any student who
withdraws or is killed -- but we
need to consider the welfare of
our summer tenants.”
Apparently administrators plan
to bulldoze the NC block over the
summer, and the townhouses
were not included as available
units in this year’s room selec­tion,
leaving many students who
applied without housing.
Originally, according to the
documents, the College planned
to assign students to the NC block
for next year, and next Fall the
students would be informed upon
arrival that they would have to live
in an undesenbed ‘ temporary shel­ter.”
codenamed “PATUXENT’
in College documents.
“Those students who are dis­placed
will just have to suck it
up,” wrote one administrator, “I
do not see what is so horrible
about the dorms anyways.”