Comments on: When Partners Don’t Cooperate With Setting Goalshttp://www.thesimpledollar.com/when-partners-dont-cooperate-with-setting-goals/
Financial talk for the rest of usTue, 14 Oct 2014 16:18:02 +0000hourly1http://wordpress.org/?v=4.0By: Pattie, RNhttp://www.thesimpledollar.com/when-partners-dont-cooperate-with-setting-goals/#comment-918224
Fri, 16 Jul 2010 21:04:39 +0000http://www.thesimpledollar.com/?p=5664#comment-918224Gayle, I disagree…money is an issue no matter how much you have or don’t have. Blowing $30 on a videogame or manicure is annoying if you are trying to pay down debt…it is a HUGE problem if that was all the grocery money left and it is 9 days until payday!

And the OP is a smart young woman to know that being on the same page with financial responsibilty as a partner is a deal breaker.

]]>By: Diana @ frontyardfoodiehttp://www.thesimpledollar.com/when-partners-dont-cooperate-with-setting-goals/#comment-918001
Wed, 14 Jul 2010 23:23:17 +0000http://www.thesimpledollar.com/?p=5664#comment-918001Of the two of us I would say I’m far more financially conservative but he is good enough with money that we do well. I wish we saved more and he enjoys occasional big purchases. I have a general rule with myself where I just am not in a spending mindset and do whatever it takes not to spend money so I’m grateful he balances me in that when we had to buy a car after mine clunked out he was willing to pay more so we could get a good reliable Toyota (used) and haven’t had a single problem in the over two years we’ve had it.

You’re right. It is about compromise.

]]>By: K.solhttp://www.thesimpledollar.com/when-partners-dont-cooperate-with-setting-goals/#comment-918000
Wed, 14 Jul 2010 22:57:49 +0000http://www.thesimpledollar.com/?p=5664#comment-918000Trent is wise to say go slow and don’t gloss over this. How money is handled is a serious issue. If he’s responsible in other ways, if it looks as if you two can meet in the middle, etc., perhaps this can work, but it’s definitely something to look at before making any commitment.

My first marriage was to a man who was completely irresponsible with money (and in other aspects, too), so when I first read your post, my gut screamed, “Run! Run!” But that’s my own baggage. You know your own situation better than I could. I think it’s right to not assume love will find a way around this, and I also think the posters are right who say that it’s not an automatic reason to call it quits.

]]>By: Brandonhttp://www.thesimpledollar.com/when-partners-dont-cooperate-with-setting-goals/#comment-917965
Wed, 14 Jul 2010 16:39:44 +0000http://www.thesimpledollar.com/?p=5664#comment-917965Money is a serious issue in a relationship, because it has the potential to control almost every single aspect of a successful relationship.

The best option is for the both of you to agree on a course of action and completely share finances. Barring that, you can sometimes reach an agreement that each person does their own thing, or that you do your own thing in certain areas. My parents are something like that – it drives me crazy, but it works for them. That being said, they’ve struggled at times, especially after my mother finally asked my father what his credit card debt was after years of saying she didn’t want to know (trust me, she really did need to know).

Love, in most relationships fades. Everyone thinks theirs will be different. I’ve seen too many divorces to know the truth. There are a select few who are truly in love forever. Since, statistically, you aren’t likely to be in that category, this is a serious conversation that I would try to reach agreement on before the relationship moves on. That’s not to say end the relationship, be aware that people can and do change quite a bit in their financial age, just be very aware that this could be a major major potentially catastrophic relationship issue. It’s probably even above the whole – want kids or not conversation.

I had to hit bottom before getting on-track financially, luckily my parents let me do it. Age is important, especially in men, because I truly don’t think they begin to mature until about age 26 – which seems to also be about the time most of us get half a handle financially. Just my 2 cents, best of luck, and kudos for feeling strongly enough about the relationship to try and work on it – that’s a good sign already.

]]>By: jonnyzbabehttp://www.thesimpledollar.com/when-partners-dont-cooperate-with-setting-goals/#comment-917959
Wed, 14 Jul 2010 15:35:21 +0000http://www.thesimpledollar.com/?p=5664#comment-917959I think there is a difference between maliciously working against shared goals and not understanding how actions affect the results.

I’ve seen lots of dieters who don’t understand why they aren’t loosing weight while eating 3 packs of low-cal snacks. Sometimes one must be informed of their actual vs percieved actions and must be taught a new plan of action. Sitting down and ‘dreaming on paper’ your goals, needs for each goal, a notebook where you log all money spent and then a budget can help accomplish that.

That being said, if you’ve already had these types of conversations, he’s not interested in the conversation or he can’t commit to the plan (or give up control to let someone more qualified do it) – then this could be a long-term problem.

]]>By: ~meganhttp://www.thesimpledollar.com/when-partners-dont-cooperate-with-setting-goals/#comment-917952
Wed, 14 Jul 2010 12:43:18 +0000http://www.thesimpledollar.com/?p=5664#comment-917952My husband is the same way: not realizing that those $2 to $30 “little” purchases add up. A few months ago, we decided to budget ourselves each a set amount of fun money. We each were in charge of tracking our own spending of that money.

Next month, we’ll be switching to a cash allowance because I think he’s still missing a few transactions a month and I think I may be too. (Typed as I sip a morning hot chocolate bought from the local shop.)

Suggest an allowance to your bf and ask that he commit an equal amount to a savings account with a shared goal, like the vacation suggested by a previous poster.

]]>By: cjhttp://www.thesimpledollar.com/when-partners-dont-cooperate-with-setting-goals/#comment-917932
Wed, 14 Jul 2010 02:38:19 +0000http://www.thesimpledollar.com/?p=5664#comment-917932Okay…there is so much here. Having been married 23 years before a difficult, drawn out 4 year divorce…I have to say: money makes difference daily than almost anything else. From groceries, kids parties, where you live, how much you or he spends to be with friends, how much they risk. If it is not compatable it will eat at you. But please don’t use the throw away term “ditch” about another human being that she cares about.
Talk about showing your values.
And yes, this is somewhat lined up between the spender/saver or goal setter/dreamer tags. This is the easy way out. It is usually not that black and white. I once knew a couple, both nice on their own, and she was upset when they were engaged that he spent what she considered a large amount for a very nice bed. Furious he could “childlessly” spend so much on stuff, as she put it. But, turns out – it was not the spending but the “at least he could have used it to travel or something interesting.” Yeah, they did get married. And divorced less than 4 years later.
And I don’t even want to touch the ways immature couples use money to get back at the other and those games.
Good luck. this is why everyone should know who they are and what they can live with before they marry.
]]>By: robhttp://www.thesimpledollar.com/when-partners-dont-cooperate-with-setting-goals/#comment-917926
Wed, 14 Jul 2010 01:21:51 +0000http://www.thesimpledollar.com/?p=5664#comment-917926I will let you know what its like to live with a person who does not take their finances. I have been married to a person like the one mentioned in your article. Over the 25+ years we have been together our life has been wonderful until it comes to money. At the beginning of our marriage I was working 50+ hrs and was running a small very profitable business. My partner took over the bill paying for the family. I got a call one day that i needed to deposit $3000 in the checking acct. or checks would bounce i made the deposit and went home to look at the acct. It turned out there was $5000 balance before i made the $3000 deposit.
At this point i was informed that we should have separate accts. I agreed to this. At this point i will spare you the gory details of our financial life together. Which included 3 refinances of our family home and a bankruptcy. We still love each other which makes things harder. However, I recently found out that my partner credit cards are close to $50000 on my partners income of about $20000 a year. The house no longer has any equity and i can not go through this again. After 25+ years it is going to end in divorce. So sad. I still love her but can’t live like this anymore. My advice: work on the problem now or walk away friends.
]]>By: Carolinehttp://www.thesimpledollar.com/when-partners-dont-cooperate-with-setting-goals/#comment-917923
Wed, 14 Jul 2010 00:36:05 +0000http://www.thesimpledollar.com/?p=5664#comment-917923I’m in the same situation with my bf. We’ve been together 5.5 yrs, but I’m not sure we’ll continue on since the goals we established in the beginning just haven’t been stuck with. Coming into the relationship, I had about $2.5k in student loans and he ended up having about $60k by my estimation (he never wanted to add it all up and he underestimated a loan that came out of deferment). I was adamant that these debts be paid off asap – many were in collections due to a string of bad luck and poor timing on his part. I wasn’t completely insane – we still had some fun, but it always felt like I was putting in more effort, even though I owed far less! However, my bf certainly made progress in his life and his thinking, and we owe a lot to “Your Money or Your Life.”

Originally I wasn’t interested in any more than one combined checking account for our mutual expenses. However, it became clear that he wasn’t as adept (or interested) in making sure his finances were running smoothly (he felt really bad about the recent downturn his finances had taken), so I took over management of everything. In the 4.5 yrs we’ve been living together, I dug us (or mostly him) out of $35k of debt and saved about $15k. This may seem pretty good, but it was supposed to be better. I have tried to get him interested in how it all works, encouraging him and trying to establish limits together. It only partly worked. I’ve now divided all of our accounts and told him he needs to be responsible for his own things since he won’t (completely) abide by our goals and limits.

It could have worked, but it’s hard to keep tabs on what 2 people are doing. In hindsight, we should have been strict about cash only allowances. In hindsight, we should have kept our accounts separate. If I saved all the money I was making (yes, in addition to everything else, I have always made far more money than he has), I would have a pretty good sized nest egg perfect for spending on my big goal, which is grad school aboard. Instead, he has significantly less debt, I have a small portion saved, and I have a lot of resentment toward him now that I’m thinking about ending it.

In the beginning, everything is rosy and everyone acts like they’re on board with goals, but you just can’t tell who’s going to stick with it. My reason for doing what I did was that I didn’t want him to be so far behind me, and I thought this was THE relationship. It could be. You just don’t know what will happen. If I could have, I would have told myself to set goals and limits but keep everything separate. You just don’t know where you’ll be in 5 years, and you don’t want to feel like it was all for nothing. Don’t do everything I did! Cash allowances! Separate accounts! The only thing we did right was keep everything open and known to each other (which is hard when you DON’T combine accounts). Arg. Yeah…it’s complicated. I’m sure you can do it. Give him “Your Money or Your Life.”

]]>By: Pat Chiappahttp://www.thesimpledollar.com/when-partners-dont-cooperate-with-setting-goals/#comment-917915
Tue, 13 Jul 2010 22:34:48 +0000http://www.thesimpledollar.com/?p=5664#comment-917915I only know what I know – but in my experience which is 20 years with my husband so far, creating life goals, (including financial goals) together and working on them together makes us a successful couple.

I don’t mean successful in terms of money, but in our relationship and as individuals. We aren’t wealthy, but we have ‘enough’, which is plenty more than most people on this planet have.

I think many couples miss out on the value of working together with their partner. There really is strength in numbers and especially with the ‘Power of Two’.

And I have to admit – I find goal setting to be great fun. Creating a plan, a budget and goals together is an annual celebration for us. Even though it takes time and is a lot of work, we approach it as a fun exercise and make it a party – for two.

As a side benefit, planning together can bring you and your partner closer – because it keeps you communicating and focused on your why you want to be with them – or not. And I’m no shrink, but I would offer that one should pay attention to the red flags when partners are being uncooperative when it comes to setting goals and planning. That’s your future you’re talking about.

]]>By: reultehttp://www.thesimpledollar.com/when-partners-dont-cooperate-with-setting-goals/#comment-917898
Tue, 13 Jul 2010 19:10:55 +0000http://www.thesimpledollar.com/?p=5664#comment-917898Brittany — Ask him how much is a ‘reasonable amount’ to save; then show him how it is 3 or 5 or however many of his trivial purchases it is. Perhaps he is someone who finds it difficult to implement plans to a goal; show him how you work towards your goals. Perhaps he doesn’t know how important this is to you — let him know how much of a priority this is for you if he intends to advance this relationship any further. Always gently. If you do decide to continue this relationship into marriage; consider having a lawyer do a pre-nup and keeping your finances separate. I wish you the best of luck.
]]>By: Crystalhttp://www.thesimpledollar.com/when-partners-dont-cooperate-with-setting-goals/#comment-917891
Tue, 13 Jul 2010 18:34:31 +0000http://www.thesimpledollar.com/?p=5664#comment-917891It might be a little white and black, but I don’t think a relationship can exist between someone who has goals and someone who won’t support them. I’m not saying that both people have to be on the same frugal or spendthrifty level, but I do think they need to be close enough to compromise and support each other.

For example, my husband does not think we need to save as much as I think we do, but we came to a compromise, set our goals together, and we both stick to the plan. We agreed to hit certain savings goals first, put a little aside for fun money and vacations every month, and to divide any extra between savings and fun. By working together, we follow through on that plan every month…if my husband or I just blew off the plan, I would think that the other person has every right to feel hurt or betrayed.

Relationships are all about trust and cooperation and compromise…without all three of those things, no relationship can thrive.

]]>By: miriamhttp://www.thesimpledollar.com/when-partners-dont-cooperate-with-setting-goals/#comment-917885
Tue, 13 Jul 2010 17:37:47 +0000http://www.thesimpledollar.com/?p=5664#comment-917885thank you Trent, for the well written article, Brittany for writing about her fears and hopes in such a precise and inspiring way and thank you to all the commentators – a lot of good food for thought here…! Now I will go slowly through them again… ;)
]]>By: chacha1http://www.thesimpledollar.com/when-partners-dont-cooperate-with-setting-goals/#comment-917871
Tue, 13 Jul 2010 16:30:27 +0000http://www.thesimpledollar.com/?p=5664#comment-917871Good article, mostly good comments. I think Brittany will be fine because she’s not kidding herself.

I’ve lived the “we’ll work it out” thing with a non-contributing partner and I know how strong the temptation is to just pretend nothing’s wrong.

Heidi and Lurker Carl were right on the money: Brittany has goals … her SO has dreams. Dreams can be turned into goals, but only through action.

]]>By: Matthewhttp://www.thesimpledollar.com/when-partners-dont-cooperate-with-setting-goals/#comment-917859
Tue, 13 Jul 2010 15:01:47 +0000http://www.thesimpledollar.com/?p=5664#comment-917859Brittany, the only further advice I have is to remember that none of us actually know you, and none of us know your partner. It is easy for us to say, “Help him to understand,” or, “Ditch the guy,” when all we know is text on a screen.

Neither my wife nor I were financially perfect when we started dating, and we still had fundamental disagreements about money for years into our marriage. I can be an impulsive spender, like I wrote above. My wife was too conservative with money. In our case, we each needed to learn something from the other. Your case may, or may not, be different.

]]>By: GayleRNhttp://www.thesimpledollar.com/when-partners-dont-cooperate-with-setting-goals/#comment-917851
Tue, 13 Jul 2010 14:38:20 +0000http://www.thesimpledollar.com/?p=5664#comment-917851It is fairly easy to be on the same financial page when you are starting out and don’t actually have much money to argue or decide about. The trouble comes later when you discover that stated goals and actions differ wildly. You have discovered the divergence early in the relationship. Go forward very slowly. It may simply be a function of immaturity. Or not.

My ex was really good at saving money for long periods of time. Then there would suddenly appear a brand new car in the driveway. This would happen every 3-4 years. While this was not the cause of the marital split, it significantly affected our net worth by about $200K. For those who doubt that number, we were married a long time and had at least 3 and as many as 6 cars at any one time. At the divorce he kept all the cars but 2, one for me, one for the boys. I kept the house. It just shows the difference between impulsive purchase of shiny objects and concentrating on long term goals and values.

]]>By: Griffin T.http://www.thesimpledollar.com/when-partners-dont-cooperate-with-setting-goals/#comment-917843
Tue, 13 Jul 2010 13:59:57 +0000http://www.thesimpledollar.com/?p=5664#comment-917843My girlfriend and I share similar long-term goals, especially when it comes to traveling. This article is a great reference for us to make sure we are honest and open with each other about achieving those goals.
]]>By: WendyHhttp://www.thesimpledollar.com/when-partners-dont-cooperate-with-setting-goals/#comment-917839
Tue, 13 Jul 2010 13:06:11 +0000http://www.thesimpledollar.com/?p=5664#comment-917839If he’s never been financially educated, he may not be able to fully grasp the concept of forgoing immediate small gratifications in order to save up for a long term goal. Kind of like Trent trying to teach the children, “one piece of candy now, or 3 pieces in a half-hour”. It may take small steps (small goals) to get him committed to really saving for your bigger goals.

It’s taken my husband many years to grasp the connection between simple but expensive things like eating out at work every day, and not having the money for vacations. Explaining it didn’t work as well as taking a small vacation and showing it.

]]>By: Philiphttp://www.thesimpledollar.com/when-partners-dont-cooperate-with-setting-goals/#comment-917838
Tue, 13 Jul 2010 13:01:55 +0000http://www.thesimpledollar.com/?p=5664#comment-917838Plain and simple. Blunt and to the point. She needs to find someone who is more compatible with her from the financial, along with other, standpoints.

If she sticks with this guy, she may very well end up down the drain financially. There are millions of guys out there, and I am sure someone who she will be much better off with.

Like I said, blunt and to the point, but oh so true.

]]>By: Katiahttp://www.thesimpledollar.com/when-partners-dont-cooperate-with-setting-goals/#comment-917837
Tue, 13 Jul 2010 13:01:31 +0000http://www.thesimpledollar.com/?p=5664#comment-917837I am very fortunate in that I married a man who also watches his money carefully, so all of our money is in joint accounts. But from what you are saying, it would be better for you to do like my one brother did (and at the time I couldn’t understand why they did this, but it has really worked well for them) They have a “household account” where each put a certain percentage of their paychecks…but you need to decide how much…I think they put 75%. All household bills get paid from this account. They tithe 10%, then they each have their own accounts for the remaining 15% to spend as they please. When my sister-in-law wanted to get new curtains that were $500.00 per window, their compromise was “household” payed half, and the other half came out of her spending money. This has been working well for them for over 26 years. :-)

I agree with others who say you need to get this financial thing straight before you get married. And each should live on their own for awhile so that you can make sure that he is responsible because ultimately, his debt becomes your debt after you get married whether you are joint account holders or not….best wishes!