Who can remember the last time Kathy Griffin performed in Dallas? Yeah, it’s been a long time. Too long.

On Monday, the fiery tell-it-like-it-is comedian finally returns to North Texas. While her “too mean” rants have gotten her banned from "Ellen DeGeneres" and “David Letterman”), we can’t wait to hear the spitfire bash celebrities for exhibiting outrageous behavior.

Earlier this week, Griffin spoke by phone from her palatial Hollywood manse. Though some call her a red-carpet terrorist, the perennial D-Lister is a charmer and an ever-loyal friend to the gay community.

Recently, Griffin has been experiencing personal challenges. She’s getting a divorce. And her gay best friends (comedian Tony Tripoli and author Dennis Hensley) are strangely absent from the new season of Griffin’s reality show, “My Life on the D-List.”

The Bravo network recently started a new campaign to get Griffin off the D-List, where fans suggest heroic acts to elevate her celebrity status. The first proposal was for Griffin to “make a sex tape with Judi Dench.” That attempt was videotaped, and was recently posted on Bravo’s website.

This interview happened three days after Griffin attacked Ann Coulter on “The Today Show” — calling her a “nut bag” and pointing out that the conservative blowhard chose to wear a cocktail dress for a morning interview.

Have you been avoiding Dallas because you’re afraid of the ultimate Red State? Yes. No, I’m kidding.Honey, I’ll be coming from Nashville. I’m no stranger to the Red States. In fact, I always do surprisingly well in the Red States, which means ticket sales are good. Actually, a lot of blue people come to my shows. But my gig will probably attract the Dallas gays and the Dallas liberals. And I expect some conservatives — but not exactly the “church crowd.”

You believe Dr. Phil is a fascist. I believe he’s not truly a lover of women — meaning: He’s a good ole boy who’s doing a show for women. But really, he’s not technically in women’s corners. On the couples’ shows, he’ll naturally gravitate to the guy’s side, and that drives me crazy. Also, I hate how he’s like, “I’m just an old jock.” I’m, like, “You’re a fat guy who writes diet books.”

Did you know George Michael splits his time between Dallas and London? Oh, that’s right. He lives there with “his Kenny.”

Wow, you actually know who Kenny Goss is. Of course. Hey, I watch Oprah. That’s where I get all my news.

Is George Michael an A-lister? George is a tough call. Of course, he’s an A-lister. But he’s behaved in a way … He’s one of those people who you’d expect to be in my act. But I feel like he’s owned it. His last statement about getting busted with drugs was like, “It’s my own stupidity again.”It’s hard to make fun of somebody like that. The people I make fun of are the high and mighty celebrities who don’t admit that their behavior is ridiculous. Like Paltrow not admitting that she gave her kids those horrible names. That’s why she’s in the act and George Michael isn’t.

Isn’t it weird? George Michael gets busted, and almost immediately he releases a statement and takes full accountability. Dick Cheney shoots a guy, and doesn’t cop to it for almost a week. I know. Dick Cheney has the guy with half of his face shot off apologizing from the hospital, blaming himself: “I shouldn’t have been standing there since I’m old and having a heart attack.”

Dallas’ favorite D-list princesses are the Bush twins. All right, I want to know what the fuck is going on! How are they so under the radar? This is a conspiracy — like the Magic Bullet. You know those fucked-up drunks are doing something: They must be pulling a train at Ashton Kutcher’s house. How is it that they haven’t been in the news for so long? The one twin is super-puffy, so she’s got to be drinking. She’s all skinny, but her face is puffy. That’s Jenna, right — the one who looks like Tara Reid? She’s getting hammered somewhere, and someone’s keeping a lid on it. Where is she? At the freaking NORAD or something?

Speaking of the Bush family, did you watch Sandra Bernhard on “The View” this past Friday? No, I didn’t. You know I’m banned from “The View,” right?

I was wondering, when Rosie enters and Star exits, will you be welcomed back? Star isn’t officially exiting. We’re all assuming she is, but it’s not official. I’m actually doing Rosie’s cruise for gay guys with their kids. I was calling it the lesbian cruise, but then the gay boys got upset and said, “We’re taking our kids, too.”So I guess I should call it the Gay Family Cruise. It leaves on July 5, so I’ll be on a boat to Alaska with Rosie, and then I’m sure I’ll get an earful about the future of “The View.” I love Rosie. Anyway, what happened with Sandra on “The View?”

Barbara Walters asked Sandra about her opinion of Laura Bush. Sandra said Laura was heavily medicated. Then Elisabeth Hasselbeck jumped in and attacked Sandra for using the word ‘honey.’ She told Sandra, “Don’t you call me honey, honey!” From there it was a daytime smackdown. You can watch the entire segment on YouTube. As soon as I get off the phone, I’m racing to YouTube.

Did you know that until six years ago Mary Cheney’s parents were Dallasites? What the fuck is Mary Cheney’s story? Did you read her recent 10 Questions in Time? You know what, Mary? You’re never going to get your father’s approval, so stop trying to seek it. The Time interview was basically Mary being a self-loathing lesbian. I was like, “Honey” — Don’t you call me honey! I was like, you’re out — just deal with it. Just be like Candy Gingrich and say, “Can you believe my dad?” That’s all you have to say.

I recently caught your spoofy “Sex with Judi Dench Video.” And Kathy, you’re a hot little hard-body now. I lost 17 pounds because I had to — it was all for a fucking article for The Star. So basically, the press forced me to lose 17 pounds. And I’m not happy about it. But I’ve actually kept the weight off. That night-vision camera effect is very flattering. I can totally see why Paris Hilton did her sex tape that way. And also, I was wearing full- body makeup and heels and a crazy little sexy outfit. But I also thought I looked pretty hot.

I just checked eBay, and the “Help Kathy Griffin Get Off the D-List” wristbands are selling for $20 a pop. You’re kidding. You can get them for free at the show. Bravo sends them to my gigs, and they just hand them out. Really, $20? I’ll have to get a bag of those and sell them myself. Even if I can sell them for $10, I’ll be happy.

One stunt to get off the D-list could be to take Ann Coulter shopping for a decent cocktail dress. I’m not that anxious to get off the D-list. You know, I’m on “The Today Show” — the only national talk show that will have me. It’s 7 a.m., and I’m getting my makeup done, and there’s Ann Coulter on her crazy tirade. I couldn’t have asked for a better lead-in. The whole pre-interview went right out the window. And I just wanted to talk about what a crazy fucking nut-bag Ann Coulter is. It was hilarious. And then the Queer Eye boys were on that day, too. And of course they didn’t see it — because, you know, the gays can’t get up that early. They’re putting on their bronzer.I loved that the Coulter story took off. Although, let me just say it chaps my ass that Ann Coulter can go on “The Today Show” and say that shit and still get booked everywhere. Me? I’m banned from every show for making fun of Nicole Richie.

What about Kathy Griffin having a talk show? I wouldn’t be able to get any guests — except my parents. So every day it would be my parents, and then maybe Mario Lopez and Coolio.

On your recent stand-up concert, “Strong Black Woman,” I was expecting you to put the “Clay Aiken is gay” newsflashes in perspective. It was your duty. By the time that happened, the “American Idol” finale didn’t happen.

Wait, you taped that concert on Feb. 19. The “Clay is Gay” scandal broke Jan. 18. Yeah, but Clay didn’t have the bangs yet. Now he’s got girl bangs.

Well, it’s officially Gay Pride Month. Can you put it in perspective now? We should switch it from Gay Pride to Clay Pride and call it Clay Pride Month.

Honestly? Yeah. It’s been a tough year. They just dumped me. I don’t want to speak for them because it’s not fair. It’s been devastating. I love those guys. And I’m just trying to accept that friendships aren’t always permanent — sometimes they’re transitional.

Is that the price of reality-TV fame? In my opinion, it is.

I know you don’t talk much about the divorce. But does that go back to reality TV as well? I don’t think so. I think the divorce was cooking with or without reality TV. It’s definitely stressful, though. I’m not going to lie. Reality TV is weird. Some people who were on my dumb little realty show thought they were going to become stars. Or they felt like they should have a certain level of celebrity. The whole time I was like, “This is” — and the Bravo people love this because I say it right to their face — I’ll say, “Bravo isn’t even a real network. Let's keep our heads on, people. I’m not exactly in the ‘Lost’ time slot on ABC.”So, yeah. It has been interesting to see who kind of handles it and who flips out. “The D-List” is a grassroots little show. It’s only six episodes. The budget is super-low. Bravo’s idea of a giant promotional campaign is to do an e-mail blast. I’m like, “Everybody calm the fuck down!”Honestly, that’s why I think my mom and dad are so funny because they don’t give a shit. They don’t think they’ll get a spin-off. Or that they'll get rich and famous. They don’t even think they’re going to get recognized. They just come over, put their mics on for an hour. And they go home and drink. Or they have a drink at my house. The point is they drink.

I have a red-carpet question for you. Go ahead.

Are you a proud firecrotch? Oh, yes. And when did firecrotch turn into a bad thing? My whole life has been, “Oh, baby, does the carpet match the drapes?” And I’ve always said, “Yes!” Who the fuck is Bandon Davis with his crazy, sweaty, fat-coke body? In my book, running around saying that Lindsey Lohan is a firecrotch is a good thing.

I can see you owning it — like wearing a T-shirt that says … Out and proud firecrotch!