Year 2018 - Archive of Tamarack Times Gossip Column

January 4 2018

T A M A R A C K T I M E S GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, Kip is mak-ing up for lost time, isn't he? I hearda little birdy say that one of the twofemale employees at Homepage marched oninto the store to start her shift,hustled all the post-lunch shoppers out,and flipped the sign to 'Closed' for a'private' 'conversation' with Kip.

Cerise, for it was she who accosted ourdarling Kip, is said to have spent quitea while having a rather 'intense' dis-cussion with the store owner. Is it acoincidence that witnesses say he wasspotted putting his shirt back on afterthe Incident?

Now, Sally-Mae says he even tried to hugher afterward.

Mina, dear, we all thought you and Kipwere so happy. Is there trouble inSlutcracker paradise?

Did he use the whip in the wrong place?

At least the skiers are happy. We've gota good 48" of powder on those slopes, and more snow to come. Careful not to introduce your noggin to cow fences,folks. Wind's been blowing hard, andthey're as white as anything. Cross-country's not as safe as it could be...

Last but not least, we've got somemysterious geese on the loose. Anyonelose a goose?

Or seven?

I'm told the flock has been chasing kidsoff of sidewalks into snowbanks, andstealing mittens, though what use agoose has for a mitten is beyond me.

January 11 2018

T A M A R A C K T I M E S GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, we had yetanother day of Homepage Books showing agreat big CLOSED sign to the world.

Kip, darling, I know the attention is alot. We only want to love you. Or wewant to delight ourselves with a honkingbig dose of schadenfreude and be glad wearen't the ones with multiple girlfriendcollisions in the hallway.

How DO you manage those, anyway? Doesn'tseem to be working out for you too well.

Speaking of not working out well, whatelse doesn't work? Ice skating on snow.Katie, let us know when that brokenankle heals. I'll get the editor to take you out for an ice cream and tellyou all about his own.

The slopes of Mount Salvation have beenpretty busy lately, and not for theirvalue as a place to play on snow. Folkssay, and I can attest myself, that therehave been odd prints and circles, andsometimes lights at night, dancing.

Have we got ourselves a new coven ofwitches, or is snow circling the latestversion of crop circling? Maybe thealiens have gone native Vermonter. If so, I've got some Cabot cheese and Ben& Jerry's with their names on it.

January 18 2018

T A M A R A C K T I M E S GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, I hear tellthat Daniel Dross lost his marbles overat The Seventh House. Word is, he askedsome poor crippled young woman over forbreakfast, gentlemanly-like, only totake a drawing she did, storm around thecafe, shred the thing and throw it in the fire.

Now, shame on him, but what I want toknow is this: what was on that drawing?Linda, if it was anything like yours, Iretract that statement. No one shouldhave to see that.

Sources say he dragged her right out ofthe shop, didn't even let her finishher tea, or her bread and honey. Tsk.

You know, she bore a striking resemblance to a certain family of Millers 'round about these parts...

Continuing this week's theme of ladieswith bad luck, my sources tell me one ofthe restaurants down in the Singers'Circle is being investigated, just incase, for food and safety concerns aftera blind date gone wrong. Witnesses saythe guy was looking bored, when the girlsuddenly went insane, claiming she couldsee bugs in her food, all over her skin,and skedaddled.

Kids, this is why you don't do drugsbefore you date.

Third in our trifecta of female disasterflicks, I hear our instagram princessFranky Garreau may be on the outs withKip's latest love interest. Cerise,Cerise, are you moving in on Franky'sman? Really, C. B. Alexander shouldn'tbe your kind of 'hot' -- not unless youlike napalm.

Men, watch out. Next week it could beyou.

January 25 2018

T A M A R A C K T I M E S GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, we've got abologna on the loose.

Yes, you read that correctly: a bologna.Three folks have come up to me to ask ifI've heard about it, and one of them waspretty certain the stink was coming fromthe town hall...

But enough about that.

Let's hear some juicy news. Amanda Baleand Erzsebet Angle have been steaming upthe dance floor down at the high school,and hoo boy, those girls can tango. Whosays you need a man, right ladies? Comechat some time. I know some folks whorun the local competitions.

Also, in spite of injuries to thecontrary, I spied with my little black eye a certain Mayor hobbling around on the mill pond. What's the problem, Jack? Even I can skate better than that.You getting too old for fun?

On that note, I dare anyone and everyoneto send in pictures of the stupidestthings they can think of doing while iceskating. I'll Shanghai the editor intogiving me more space so I can post thebest of them next week!

February 1 2018

T A M A R A C K T I M E S GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, we've got avigilante in our midst. I can't honestlysay I wouldn't feel excited if I got myown superhero nickname, so kudos to you,Blackout, whoever you are.

Just don't go all One Punch Man on mynephew Jadis. He likes to dress like apunk, but he's got the soul of a cherry-pink marshmallow.

Yes, dear. I love you too. Suffer.

Speaking of suffering, I heard tell thatour very own Kip was spotted on one ofthe bridges down in Fort Brunsett, starknaked and covered in stripper glitter.

Kip, I can't say I blame you. If I evercaught a case of glitteritis as bad asthat one, I'd be tempted to jump off abridge's railing, too.

The Tam seems to be getting more popularlately, or maybe folks are just stircrazy after all that snow. Or crazy, ingeneral. Franklyn, I've gotta say, I'mdisappointed. You're a good girl, butif you keep this up, you're going to endup in the loony bin or six feet under.

Walking around the city in your PJs isone thing. Even Adam Wilkinson has donethat one, hasn't he, Adam?

Whatever guy you're crying about, comesniffle on the West bank, girl. You should know better. Also, get a jacket!

Last but not least, it sounds like we'vegot ourselves a new brawler in town. OldJanni Kristoffsen said some girl namedMerle got into one rip-roaring fight atthe bar over a pack of cigarettes shemay or may not have acquired with hispermission.

What I wonder is this: if we put MysteryMerle in a pit with C.B. Alexander, whowould be the last one standing?

February 8 2018

T A M A R A C K T I M E S GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, we've got awhole lot of pink, and enough roses tosink a boat. Or a float.

Kids, go gentle on the Valentine's floatin the parade this year. While I can't,as a reasonable adult, condone stickingfireworks under its chassis, the symbol-ism of love going up in flames and thensetting the church on fire was a littletoo close to the mark for a few ladieslast year, which did drive up subscrip-tions to the paper and my column...

Maybe stick to uncomfortable red oozing.No? Okay, how about wearing sheets andputting on a Christmas Story parody withthe ghost of loves past? I know Harrietisn't used to sneaking around under asheet in daylight, but I'm sure shecould make an exception to teach you afew tricks.

In other news, Fort Brunsett has had yetanother series of violent crimes. Can'tsay as I blame them. I get violent whenmy car door freezes shut after an entireday of freezing rain, myself.

I do not, however, then explode my car.

Yours truly hasn't gotten all of thedetails on this one, but my sources didsay the driver was a criminal, and thathe was yelling about hung men and midgets and rods that could shoot sixblocks. Somehow, as excellent as thatimage is, I don't think that is quitewhat happened.

Last but not least, the Last Chancediner down in the junkyard had its owndust-up. I'm told a gang of feistyne'er-do-wells got a face full of baconafter interrupting Johnny Drexel at hisbreakfast with a pretty girl. Gentlemanthat he was, I'm told he even played white knight to her when the rest of thegang tried to beat them up when they left the diner, aided by the SamaritanScooby Gang.

Thugs and assorted criminals, if you'regoing to pick on a guy, pick on Drexel.I want to see how many times I can tellthe same story before my editorstrangles me for it.

February 15 2018

T A M A R A C K T I M E S GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

This week in Tamarack Falls, the paradewent off without a hitch. Or, rather,without a torch. There was a lot of redand pink confetti, and Mrs. Herringworthmay or may not have lost her dentures ona lollipop, but the vampire fangs may ormay not have made it all worth it.

Seriously. Fangs.

Linda, you win at life. Then again, youhave had about twice as many years toget better at it...

I hear tell a certain pair of teenagerswas trying to get better at something Ican't put in print, too. Kids, maybenext time you should turn the car lightsoff before you start making it bouncearound.

You know what else was bouncing?

Men. Three of them, and they were theonly ones to volunteer down at The Plankon Amateur Night. That big boxer Kingwas down there, too, though I'm told hewouldn't dance. Scoping out the compe-tition, perhaps? His new establishmentdoes seem to lack a certain grit. Thatcould just be memories of my shoes get-ting stuck to the floor by old glitterand grog, however...

My sources also claim our favorite copcrisper C.B. Alexander was there withnone other than Franklyn Garreau, and acutey no one could quite get the nameof, too. On Valentine's Day? I smella threesome in the air! Tell us, Mr.Alexander, how do your cockles grow?Pretty maids all in a row?

February 22 2018

Enid was kidnapped!!

March 1 2018

Enid is still missing!! Oh wait, she got away!

March 8 2018

Enid is home! Yay! She is recovering, though, and couldn't collect enough gossip before her deadline.

March 15 2018

T A M A R A C K T I M E S GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, I have alot of gossip to catch up on! Here we gonow...

Anyone else feel like weeding my flowergarden? I can sit inside and pretend toget kidnapped again. Maybe a tropicalisland this time; that would be animprovement.

I'm told I missed the bombing of thatpoor old bowling alley down in FortBrunsett, too. Can't say as I blame thebombers, though. That place sold food Inever once didn't regret eating. Quick,set up a petition -- better food forbetter bowlers!

As much as we would all love to hearthat THE Mr. Alexander was responsible,I'm afraid police have already confirmedhe wasn't on the premises. I did hear ajuicy tidbit about a drunken visit tothe hospital room of one Cerise Hodgson,however, with a delectably patheticbouquet and a ward-load of yelling. Dowe have a new romance on the offing? Onethat involves hospital security rightfrom the start can't possibly go wrong.

Speaking of bouquets...

Our favorite Kip has been seen buyingmore than one handful of flowers lately,and rumor has it, none of them have beenfor Mina Grey!

Has the slutcracker ballerina lost herleghold on his heart?

Is it true that they have ALL been forone of his employees? Kip, do let usknow, there's a dear. Mandy needs thelaugh. A little birdy tells me she triedclimbing in HER employee's back window,fell, and had to be rescued from thetown's worst window-wedgie in decades...

Speaking of self-injury, I just happenedto overhear a few police officers theother day talking about Electric Cityblowing up with some freak power surge.My source wasn't as open as I would haveliked, so it could have been a Jane, Janor maybe even James. As your gossipspecialist, I fail you today. If youknow who got themselves maimed, share!Inquiring minds want schadenfreude!

Now, Mayor Jack hasn't been in the paperenough lately, in my opinion, so let'sshare a wee tidbit of Spring silliness,shall we? We all know he's a handsomedevil, and we all know he's an all toosober one; trust me, the number of timesI've tried to get that man to drink...

Just the other day, Mandy Morrison saysshe saw the Mayor out behind her house,wearing red boxers with white hearts allover, chasing down what she swore was alittle kid all dressed up like an elf.Pretty thorough mask, too. They wentaround the corner pretty quick, but Inow have it on excellent authority thatour Mayor has one spectacular ass.

Kip, however, has been concealing his.

Don't you know that no matter how manygirls you run through, trying to beat the town's speed-dumping records, youwill always have our love? I know fora fact that Sally Quinn has a mind toshare her muffins with you any time youlike. Of course, her boyfriend seemedto disagree with the idea...

March 29 2018

T A M A R A C K T I M E S GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, the town'sfavorite Kip Kensington is back in thespotlight, and hoo boy, it's a doozy.Miss Ethel says there she was, buying anice book for her little nephew over atHomepage Books, when out of nowhere, there he was, asking a female employeeif he was hot.

Just wait. It gets better.

THEN, he said something about getting araincoat to go meet another girl. Agirl who was not Mina, it must be noted.Who IS this mystery woman on the phone?

Even better, reliable sources tell methat Kip was overheard having a chatwith Copfire Alexander himself. Not justa chat, no, but some rather pointedquestions about C.B.'s interest in MinaGrey. Will this love triangle ever end?

Kip, our rabid readers are dying to knowthe truth. When you talked with C.B.about rings, was that for you or for oneof your harem? I'm told Cerise's namecame up, which could explain why youwere asking her if you were hot...

On the subject of lovely ladies, I haveit on good authority that local story-teller and hair-dye enthusiast Novemberwas seen down at Aspire by the hockeyrink with a rather talented young woman.Talented in more than one way, it seems.You go, girl. Turning a time-out boxinto a kissing booth has the Enid stampof approval!

What doesn't have my approval?

Letting dogs take a dump on public landand not cleaning it up. If anyone seesthe owner of a dog with a particularlylarge rectum down by the Miller gardens,do let me know, so I can thank themfor their contribution to the publichealth and safety codes.

April 5, 2018

T A M A R A C K T I M E S GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, I'm told Istarted rumors all on my lonesome, whichis an entertainment, I assure you. Yes,I did indeed have clumps of extremelyhandsome young gentlemen coming by myoffice to give me gifts. Ladies, too.

Thank you, one and all, for your kindwords and wishes. Mr. Alexander, thankyou, too, for the effort you put intotelling the world I'm an abomination.

I respect your opinions. Mine differ.

Speaking of different, if you haven'tgone by the farm by the Fry fields, Irecommend a trip out west of town. TheRackhams chalked each and every one oftheir sheep in Easter egg stripes andspots. I have been assured that all ofthe chalk sprays used are biodegradableand not harmful to the animals.

Belated Easter themes are the way to go,it seems. I hear tell the mighty magic-ians Haruki and Itsuki ran an Easterevent for kids with themed magic tricks,an egg hunt and real rabbits. As agardener, I've gotta say, petting abunny isn't my current desire...

I know someone who does desire petting,however. Tommy, next time you stealyour papa's liquor, leave the cell phoneat home. Drunk texting me, of allpeople, is just asking for trouble. Youalso owe me $5 for the bet you made thatI wouldn't print it.

April 12, 2018

T A M A R A C K T I M E S GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, a long-termreader is determined to flood me withrabbits.

Haruki, kid, you're a magician. Use yourmagic to keep the gosh darned bunniesout of my tulips, and I won't need to beupset with them. They have a cloverpatch and plenty of greens out in thewoods.

The deer have returned, too, as Delilahlearned the other night on Main Street.Del, you let us know if the kids need aride anywhere. Let me know when you'refinally going to up that prescription onyour glasses, too, because your radiatorhas the holes to prove that buck wasn'ta bush...

Speaking of friends in need, I hear tellour favorite Kip managed to find somebooze down in Fort Brunsett this pastweek. Who knew Cat-22 had a bar upstairsand, more to the point, who knew Kipactually drank in public?

Maybe he shouldn't have.

I'm told his 'not-nerdy girl' withoutglasses and his lovely Mina had to draghim, mumbling, down the stairs.

I'm also told he was talking to animaginary friend named Andrew over atHomepage. Everything okay with you,Kip? We adore you, and I can guaranteeMissy Miller would share some of herfamous peach pie if you were poorly. Shetold me just the other day how much sheloves reading about you in the paper,didn't she, Missy?

The fanfic shipping of you and C.B. isstill the best. Bernadette Peters hassent in three comics of you two, andI'm told I am supposed to tell her mamathat she expects to be called B.P. nowin C.B.'s image, and plans on settingfire to any broccoli which finds its wayonto her plate at night.

What IS my fault is the delectable snacktray at the newspaper headquarters thisweek. I shamelessly self-advertise mycooking, and invite everyone to mail inany and all advice to make it better.Mayor Jack, I already have yours. No, Iwill not stop baking.

While I won't stop baking, you all won'tstop loving, for which I'm thankful. Please, keep loving each other, and keephaving disasters like that incident downat the mall last week. Bandies, if youread this, correct me. A group called'Red Lost Dead Lost' was performing inthe food court, and ended up finishingwith a Springer-worthy love triangle, afailed proposal and an outing, all atonce. Come to think of it, our localmagician was there, too...

Haruki, are you getting into the match-making business?

Speaking of matches, I haven't heard anynews about our darling Kip, ladies, sodon't you worry. If he falls over anddies, I'm sure we'll all hear about it.The cops are asking folks to stop liningup outside Homepage, however, and I amgoing to say this only once: I am notgiving anyone either Kip's or Mr. C.B.Alexander's personal addresses, phonenumbers or any other information. Pleasestop asking!

Let's start thinking about frozen bread,instead. Who do you think the winner'sgoing to be? Give me your ideas! Whatthemes do you think the Spring Fling isgoing to end up stuck with? Can't beworse than that Spongebob Squarepantsdebacle three years back...

April 30, 2018

T A M A R A C K T I M E S GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, a certainnewspaper owner has learned a valuablelesson: don't tick off the high schoolerwho was hired to bring half-decentcoffee.

The high schooler has learned, in turn,that watching where she stomps may bea good idea when carrying an armful ofpaper cups full of steaming hot java.

The electrician who was updating ourcircuit breaker has, in turn, learnedjust how long it takes to clean out theelectrical conduits and fix shortedwires...

Long story short, sorry for the latepublication, folks.

Also, sorry, Hank. How was I supposedto know the dye on the bandage wouldbleed? Better you than me, though. Idon't look great in pink hearts.

Following up on our apparent rabbittheme, lately, I'm told Haruki was seenrunning about down in Fort Brunsett'sriverside park on spring stilts, dressedup as a rabbit and making origami, youguessed it, more rabbits, for children.

Kid, try a cat or something. Be a superhero. No way is DC Comics going to makea movie for Rabbitman.

Speaking of heroes, I hear Jack Fry hasmade a name for himself as an otterwhisperer. I've been sent at least fourYouTube links to videos and commentaryon the incident, and on his heckler.

Your park rangers in action, folks.Kudos, Jack.

P.S. The otter's cuter.

May 3, 2018

T A M A R A C K T I M E S GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, we have abit of fun about local contractor andamateur fisher Leon Huskey. See, he wenton down to the fishing spot by South-bridge, and as I hear it, HE says hetripped over some sort of pothole in thedirt. Caught himself a good crack onthe jaw for it, too, but no one else hasseen so much as a whisker of a potholethere. Leon, if it makes me kiss dirtas well as you did, I don't even want toknow what you were drinking.

Speaking of the river, May first hascome and gone, and that means those zanyLefevres were prancing around doing aspagans do to celebrate Beltane. I heartell our old Hollywood Hopeful, Cam, wasseen giving his sister's roomie cow-eyeswhile singing a love song on his guitar.

Is romance in the air? Time will tell!

If Cerise's bruises are C.B.'s form ofromance, however, I don't want them.Now, I, for one, don't think the guydid it, but I've heard plenty of voiceswondering whether Cerise could reallyget THAT many bruises just from slippingon a couple of rocks under a stream.

Cerise, do tell. Were you doing a tangoout there somewhere? I hear Kip's prettyterrible at dancing, so I wouldn't putit past the guy to end up giving you anelbow to the eye...

May 10, 2018

T A M A R A C K T I M E S GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, I have onlygood to say.

Promise.

It's the talk of the town that Jack Frymay be even more of a stand-up guy, ifyou know what I mean. Why, Trudy at thegeneral store was saying just the otherday that when he was out shopping, sheoverheard a twenty-something girl callhim her daddy, and wasn't she just thespitting image of the late Mrs. Fry...

Welcome to town, kid. Go do somethinginadvisable and fun.

Speaking of "inadvisable and fun" thingsto be doing, I hear tell a trucker onhis way through may have had a bit toomuch to drink. Either that, or he's afibber. Now, I got this from a fewdifferent sources, but as best I canpiece it together, the man was trans-porting crates of food. When he gotout and started unpacking it all, hefound two cans had been opened and eatenup, turned into "mice" with some craftpaper and glue.

Just wait. It gets even better.

See, along with the "mice" left there,some-mouse left copious quantities ofglitter, complete with teensy tiny footprints all over the back of the truck.Another driver, heading to town lastTuesday night, saw two sparkling kidslaughing their fool heads off jumpingout of a truck at a stop light, butwhen he went back to check it out, allhe found was a splash of glitter on theroad.

Kids, needless to say, it's not a smartidea to hitch-hike and it's not a legalidea to hitch-hike and steal a company'sproperty, even if it tastes fantastic,though canned food tasting fantastic isa speculation I'll save for a columnwhere I'm allowing myself to say thingswhich aren't good.

Last but not least, what's this aboutMiss Mina wearing a particular ring onher finger? Do tell! That's the kindglitter we all WANT to see.

May 17, 2018

T A M A R A C K T I M E S GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, I have aLOT to get through. You folks are great!

First, I heard a little birdy down atthe Seventh House Cafe saying that theowner, Avalon, is planning on hostingsome sort of fair in the near future.As long as the White Witch of the Northhere has some good black tea, I'm in.

Now, I'm doubtful on this one, but I'mmorally obligated to defend your goatsand virgins: watch out for so-calledSatanists on July 27th. I hear they'resetting up for some big event down bythe river.

Events are the way to go, it seems,because the gold-flinging Logan Brenneris up to it again. I haven't been ableto get details, so you'll have to staytuned for those, but it sounds like he'splanning a big lakeside barbecue down inFort Brunsett for charity. Anyonefeeling hungry?

If you're feeling hungry for abuse, ourfavorite curmudgeon Ryan Dunnage seemsto have a new favorite topic. Ryan,what's up with Thompson Meadows? If youwant romantic advice, I bet that cuteJapanese magician can help you win himover... haven't seen Meadows in weeks,so whatever you're doing, I don't thinkit's working. Come to think of it, Ihaven't seen Roberto Alvarez around,either. What do you think, folks? He andMeadows gone off to get hitched?

Seems there's been a rash of Christmascapers around town, too. I've had fourpeople say they got a Christmas card andstarted having weird stuff happen. Whereare the Ghostbusters when you need them?

For that matter, where's a Boba Fett?Get this. Mr. Oswald Addington, one ofthe Councilmen down in Fort Brunsett,actually has a bounty out on the ballsyartist who painted a three-headed cat onhis town car. $150 for a lead, $300 forthe culprit. Anyone got a good speeder?

Last but not least, does Kip have a newadmirer? A certain Megan Sato has beenseen in and out of Homepage, and hoo boyhas she been loud. If not Kip, I know acertain employee who's not a bad lookerat all... Something going on that youwant to tell us, Cerise?

May 24, 2018

T A M A R A C K T I M E S GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, we get thejoy of knowing that Amanda Rachne's foodwill be gracing someone else's tables. Ihope her new husband has a strongstomach! That said, Mandy, we'll allmiss your basket-weaving. Send us a notefrom Colorado, and stop by the officebefore you go. We'll keep in touch!

I hear tell some specifically unnamedmagicians would like to start up debateabout which one of them is cuter thanthe other. See Haruki and Itsuki fordetails, though given that I'm told badthings happen to the places they plan to perform, maybe you should wait untilafter they open up their magical museum.

While I don't know of any fires beingset in anybody's hearts this past week,I'm sure glad the real thing is done andgone. We here at the Times would like togive a great big thank you to all of thevolunteers and responders who helped outwith taming the wildfires this past weekout in the west valley.

I do know that a certain teenaged some-one came by to leave Mr. Arnold a lovenote, however...

Sorry to say, kid but I don't think youreally have a chance. He's a one-womancat, and Missy Potts is his woman.

May 31, 2018

T A M A R A C K T I M E S GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

This week in Tamarack Falls, let's alltake a minute to get sappy here, andthink about gratitude. I, for one, amvery grateful that we have so many goodmen and women here in town willing to bevolunteers out west. The town is alittle emptier, a little quieter,without you all, but with luck and goodhard work, they'll track down thatbomber and give them what they deserve.

Done being sappy? Good. Now for somegossip.

Now, anyone with eyes knows that CeriseHodgson is around our favorite Alexanderon a regular basis. Gotta wonder whetherhe's starting to rub off on her, though.I've heard from multiple sources thatshe's been spotted wandering around thecity in various states of drunkennesslately. Cerise, if it's man troubles,I'm useless, but I do know the name ofa good couples therapist...

Speaking of women with problems, while Icommend your dedication to your health,Franklyn, there are safer places for youto walk than down the riverbank at nightaround here, and you of all peopleshould know better.

I'm told there has been a gaggle of gun-shots down by Snake Creek. Whoever's outthere, find a shooting range, would you?The noise is getting old for residents.

Remember Thompson Meadows? Apparently,one of the Utridge bachelors was pickedup by a blonde seen going in and out ofMeadows' home.

Mr. Meadows himself seems to have founda pot of luck, however. Word is his newprosthetics are the work of some youngsavant called Widget. Could be worse. Iknew a guy called Dick N. Bhallis once.

The Frys are having fun with the prepfor the Pink Cow Run, meanwhile, thoughI'm not sure how the Trojan Cow is goingto come into the action... I've made myobligatory inappropriate joke for theday, so you can go ahead and imagine awhopper about wooden bovines yourself.

I'm told the lights went out down by theRiverside markets last Tuesday. Darkerthan the inside of a cat, not that Ihave any personal experience with theinside of felines.

I don't have a lot of experience withfossils, either, but get this: someonefound some great big honking bones frompleistocene beluga whales, of allthings, and a fully intact mammothskeleton. Gotta say, my bet's on hoax.Anyone who knows about it, you let usall know; inquiring minds, and all that.

Speaking of animals, the artist with thethree-headed cat has competition. I'mtold a number of strange symbols havebeen cropping up all over town on cars,buildings, even pets. I've known a fewperfectly reasonable Satanists in mytime, but this is a bit strange, evenfor them. I don't know if I believethe rumors that they're behind it all.

Last but not least, Melinda Bates saysshe's seen a strange man in an orangesuit stumbling around town at night, butshe couldn't understand what he wassaying. Whatever it was, he sure likedyelling it.

June 7, 2018

T A M A R A C K T I M E S GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, it soundslike we have a lost Alexander wanderingaround town. No one got a name, but ifyou're reading this, kiddo, check outthe Stone & Crown Shipping down in FB. Iwould advise learning some Spanish, too,while you're at it. Lolo's swearing issomething to be admired.

Franklyn's decisions, however, are lessadmirable.

We have people in three camps: camp #1thinks she was down there setting off afew harmless fireworks. Camp #2 saysshe's been dating C.B. too long and seta few small fires for kicks and gigglesand the pure cussed joy of it. Camp #3is my personal favorite: her pethamster died a noble death, and she wasthere to give it a Viking funeral uponthe water.

Speaking of water, the Pink Cow Run wentoff swimmingly -- literally, in somecases.

I'm told Avalon Lefevre dunked Jimmy Fryinto the water tank with one throw, thatcutey Maggie Locklear pinking him upright afterward. The ladies pinked upmore than Jimmy, too, from all I hear.Albert, you may have some competitionfor good arms... Maybe you should take afew pitching lessons from them. I don'tknow about you, but breaking your mama'skitchen window, twice, in one week, issomething I'd want to learn how to stop.

Speaking of Frys, I hear tell that Jackfellow has a mighty fine chest, but don't get your hopes up, ladies; Gladyswas out walking those mops she callsdogs bright and early, and spotted himat Dr. Gallagher's cabin. Now, THAT isa form of anthropology I wouldn't mindstudying...

I hear Kip was doing a bit of 'studying'himself recently with that Zillah fromthe shop next door. Despite claims tothe contrary, I've met the guy, and it'smy not inconsiderable opinion that he'sway too much of a marshmallow to hurthis darling Mina.

June 14, 2018

Enid Schmitt is not having a good year. She was in the hospital this past week after someone tried to kidnap her.

Elsewhere in the paper, it is explained that the assailants are unknown, but they were wearing dark suits, and police are investigating the incident.

June 21, 2018

T A M A R A C K T I M E S GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, for thoseof you who missed me last week, I've gotta say, this getting kidnapped thing is seriously getting old.

Folks, I am a newspaper gossip columnist, not an evil minion out to destroy the world of humankind. If you think I have money worth taking, you should talk to my boss.

No, the police don't know who it was yet. Yes, they're working on it. Yes, I'm mightily peeved, and don't come in wearing a black suit and shiny black shoes any time soon, or I may mace you.The knock-out gas tie-pin was an unexpected touch, and very James Bond of them. I'd rather get stepped on by a cow again, all things considered.

Enough with that! On to the fun stuff.

I hear Ben Utridge is going back to hisold playboy ways down there at the RedClover Hotel. Clandestine engagementswith people my source says were hotties,and last week he was even sporting agreat big hickey, too.

I wouldn't mind a hickey from somethingother than a facemask at the hospital.Any volunteers?

June 28, 2018

T A M A R A C K T I M E S GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, we get toexplore the wide, wild world of Haruki'sunderwear choices.

Somehow, I believe he had help with thisparticular escapade, but I've had half adozen reports from ladies all over townthat if even a quarter of those garmentsare actually his, they'd like to have anice, very private, chat with him abouthis brand choices. And advice.

On the subject of a different sort offireworks, we're coming up on the Fourthof July here, folks, and the parade thisweekend is expected to bring in a lot ofout-of-towners. Who wouldn't want todunk a Mayor into a vat of strawberry,clear and blue raspberry Jell-O cubes?

Sorry, Jack. Count me in. Dolores hashad my $5 for two weeks now.

Anyone of a mind for fireworks can finda nice perch by the cliff to watch FortBrunsett's display out on the lake. Ourown is a little dinky in comparison, butwe're a dinky little town. The Millerboys have done us proud this past month,getting all the roads smoothed out, sokudos to them.

There's just something about a man without a shirt handling heavy machineryto get your engine revving... LouiseMacFarlan wouldn't know anything aboutthat, now, would she? Cute skirt, Lou.Maybe next time keep it on a little bitlonger. Granny Miller's going to have aheart attack before the wedding at thisrate.

Congratulations, by the way.

July 5, 2018

T A M A R A C K T I M E S GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, it is withgreat pleasure that I heard a littlebirdy say Kip's not done with his wildand questionably romantic shenanigansjust yet, engagement or no. Someone sawMina running out of the back room inteensy tiny shorts (great gams, girl)and a tiny tank top which looked sleptin.

Kip, I've got to ask: did she doggy-eara page in bed? Is that why you kickedher out? Ladies around town are sayingyou've taken this foxy ladies' man aurato heart, but I know better than totrust that adorkably bumbling facade.

Your secret admirer, however, reallyshould get a new hobby. Why, Mary Page,poor dear, just bought a book on crochetat Homepage, and now she's cleaning offall forty-seven copies of Kip's namefrom where it was painted on her house.Laney Boggs, her neighbor, said it wasblood, for sure, but I'd like to knowhow she got close enough to check, whenshe can't even handle a paper cut with-out fainting. Really, Laney.

Charles du Bois knows a bit about faintshimself, after yesterday's parade. Now,I know it's a teacher's job to educatehis students, but a real life lesson onstaying hydrated while marching in hotwool uniforms was probably not high onthe curriculum's alternate lesson list.

Speaking of inappropriate clothing, I'vehad a few reports of a recently-arrivedAfrican fellow dancing his way throughtown in a sundress as loud as hisrendition of "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun"this past week. Prank or lost bet? Megfrom the corner store says his legs weresomething to be admired, however...

Also to be admired, and possibly feared,I'm told some sort of big cat was heardroaring down along Lake Brunsett thispast Monday. I haven't heard whether thecat's been found, but I'd be wary of anice hike through the woods, myself.

Someone else has been growling, lately,and it's a matter of some speculationwhether Weaver Utridge jumped the brooma mite too quickly. Newly wed to VelvetDanvers, several ladies have mentionedthat the man has been a miserable grouchthe last few days. Trouble in paradise?

Those Utridges aren't having a lot ofluck lately, it seems, because a bit ofdigging here and there informed me thatnone other than Olivia Utridge herselfheld an impromptu concert at thechildren's wing of Riverside Hospitallast month, and got pranked by a fire inthe stairwell.

I haven't heard any tales of ravenousfanboys tearing perpetrators limb fromlimb yet over the internet, but I'm surethe fan rage is just waiting in thewings.

July 12, 2018

T A M A R A C K T I M E S GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

Enid is on vacation! I'm darn well not writing her column for her. You people know I'll forget half of it and tangle up the rest. Don't know how that woman keeps it straight. Mind like a gosh darned steel trap bred with Spiderman.

The Editor

July 19, 2018

T A M A R A C K T I M E S GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, I returnfrom a much-deserved vacation to sandy,sunny beaches and am back to bring onlythe very best gossip to you, my rabidreaders.

Firstly, I've got two little birdiessaying miss Franklyn Garreau won the topprize at the kite flying competition,beating out that incredibly enthusiasticyoungster. Wedgie's the name I was givenand I sincerely doubt that is anaccurate report, so miss Wedgie, pleasedo let us know. Also, take a bath.Cleanliness is next to godliness, as mysainted mother used to say.

I'm told a local got bitten by, and I'mnot kidding here, this is what is on thelist: a rabid raccoon, a dog, a blueotter, a flying rat, or a lemur of allthings. Serves him right, trying tosteal from stalls as he was. Also, I'vegot to find out what those reporterswere smoking, because they sound likethey're as high as Ms. Garreau has tobe, walking into rivers and dark woodsat all hours. Again.

Illegal fireworks are safer, kid. Goback to your kites and leave the riverto the river.

Speaking of issues, we have some rathernasty rumours about Ms. Olivia Utridgefloating around, but nothing's beensubstantiated. Glad to hear she's beenfound, though. We darn well have enoughlost around here for my tastes already.

I sure wouldn't mind a good rabbit stew,however, and don't you get started onme for liking meat, Haruki. Being acarnivore's no sin. Supposedly, a greatbig fluffle of rabbits was seen runningaround like some weird flock of birdsdown near the lake in Fort Brunsett, butI've gotta say, the alpaca farm takes mypersonal cake. The eyes. How can younot melt?

Haven't heard the person's name, but I'mtold the 'pacas are all named after somekind of dinosaur.

Benny and Hal say they've been spottingodd little things carved around town,speaking of weird. I've seen a few my-self, and I don't know.. . The one I sawlooked a little like some sort of wing-less dragon. This the latest D&D crazegoing through nerddom?

Not so sure about Jimmy Pepper and hispigs, though. Jimmy runs Sweet Hog Farmsand let me tell you, his pigs are every-thing he says they are.

In this case, slaughtered, and not byhim... As I'm told it, he woke up inthe morning and went out to get the feedgoing, and found their throats slit andblood drained. Now, this being where weare, I do have a calendar which mentionsa blood moon... Still, you'd think thewitches would at least leave cash to payfor the lost pigs.

Last but not least, I've had a sourceshare some photos with me, and Kip, sheis a beauty. A little rough around theedges, but darn, boy, for someone soKippish, you sure do make a lot of ladyfriends. Who's the mystery red-head,too? Short and stacked, that's forsure. These relatives of your Mina? Ifso, can you convince them to move here?

Your admirer's gone to work again, soyou'd better work fast. What do you knowabout a broad named Jessica? The way I'mtold it, 'Kip' has been painted severaltimes along the Samsson building in thesame bright crimson as before, alongwith a great honking heart in the middlesaying 'Kip x Jessica!!!' in it. If Iwere you, I'd sic the fiancee on her. Isure wouldn't want to get on Mina's badside. You know how strong those balletexercises make those legs?

July 26, 2018

T A M A R A C K T I M E S GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

Enid's colleagues would like to say what a splendid woman she is. They also have no intention of writing her column for her while she is out sick.

Here. Have a picture of a kitten with a baby bunny.

The Writers

August 2, 2018

T A M A R A C K T I M E S GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

Enid's colleagues have discovered a secret stash of actual coffee hidden in Enid's technically unlocked and colleague-accessible file cabinet behind the old floppy disks and CDs.

Thank you, Enid, for your generous contribution to office happiness.

The Writers

August 9, 2018

T A M A R A C K T I M E S GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

Enid's colleagues would like you all to know that she is back from the hospital and recovering Enidly. The nurses and doctors may never be the same.

Neither will her colleagues' stomachs. How does she EAT all of that cinnamon?

The Writers

August 16, 2018

T A M A R A C K T I M E S GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

Enid's colleagues have pooled their resources and replaced the pilfered coffee and bonbons with more appropriate substitutes. They are sure Enid will appreciate their efforts at supporting her habits.

Everyone has addictions, Enid. Cinnamon is yours. We'll help you manage it. Just give us the chocolate part of the bonbon and you keep the middle.

The Writers

August 23, 2018

T A M A R A C K T I M E S GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, I returnagain, albeit not from sandy beaches. Idon't suggest surgery as an alternativeto sunshine and cute boys in tiny suits,folks.

On the bright side, a liquid diet doeswonders for the waistline. Pity bikiniseason's almost over.

Yes, I'm fine. Yes, I am immensely dis-appointed that my colleagues couldn'tsoldier on without me and get you all ofyour delectable gossip fixes on theirlonesome, but that just means I get tohave the fun myself.

Now, this is old news at this point, butI'm told that someone Kool-Aid mannedtheir way into the home of Velvet andWeaver Utridge back at the beginning ofthe month, and something something aboutpossible acquisition of lake monsters.Is Lake Brunsett trying to compete withChamplain? What'll we call it? Champhas a degree of charm to it, but Brun isa bit too Viking, and Sett sounds like apuppy or a desert god, depending.

Pity Brun/Sett wasn't around to help thelocal authorities clean up the mess madeby one Miss Franklyn Garreau back then,too. I'm told that someone pulled up another sculpture instead of a fish justthis week. Franklyn, girl, get help. Iknow your family can pay for the litter-ing fines, but that's no reason to godumping all that crud into the river.Thankfully, not even you can shove a piano out a window by willpower alone.

In more recent news, I'm told that TommyHaffleck just got himself into the bigleagues. I didn't even know there was acategory for the longest paper airplaneflight flung by a waterfall off of acliff of two hundred feet or more over abody of water of 'significant size'...

Kudos, Tommy. Now that you're a recordholder, don't go resting on your laurelsand poop out on us, kid. Put this littletown back on the map. You should probab-ly graduate high school first, though.

Last but not least for this week, I havethe pleasure of introducing you all to Erica Miller, our latest staff photo-grapher. Recently returned from a phaseas a Boston transplant, she is backwhere she belongs: in the land of weirdohair colors supposed to be unknown toman or woman. I'll be dye buddies, butdon't expect to see me running with her.I maintain a strictly horizontal versionof jogging. It's called typing in bed,preferably with a cinnamon bonbon or twonearby.

August 30, 2018

T A M A R A C K T I M E S GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, we've allhad time to appreciate the rash ofunseasonably warm weather lately. GuessI get to bring out that bikini afterall!

A certain polka-dotted someone by theriverbank should have thought twiceabout bringing out HER bikini, however.See, little teeny strings don't do allthat well when you're jumping off ofbridges like a teenager into a river,which, you know, is flowing away.Flowing away with your bikini top ANDbottom, that is. Mildred, you may begoing on seventy-mumble, but you stillhave a fine ass, wrinkles and all.

Speaking of fine asses, mine is doingquite well, thank you, and thank you allfor the gift baskets. I've had to sharethe largesse with the rest of the writercollective and anyone else who wanted chocolate dipped pineapples on staff, for which they thank you all as well,and pray that I fall down a nice longflight of stairs.

Deity or deities, if you are readingthis, please ignore those knuckleheads.I've had enough hospital bills to lasta lifetime.

I would like to thank Haruki, Itsuki andtheir gang of propaganda-spoutingrabbits especially. If you ever want toread material about the plight of theNew England cottontail rabbit, I nowhave stacks of it, along with my giftbasket.

In less amusing news, I'm sad to saythat Mrs. Mabel Miller, grandmother andforce of nature, has passed away at theripe old age of a hundred and two. Toall the Miller family, my condolences.She was a tough old bird and she will bemissed.

September 06, 2018

T A M A R A C K T I M E S GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, we cankiss goodbye to Summer, ladies and gentsand assorted others. Really, we can. Ido appreciate the lengths, and depths,to which certain members of ourcommunity are willing to go to cling toits sunny warmth, however...

Where to begin?

Sally Hanwood seems a good start. If youhaven't been down Mill Road in a while,you really should take a trip towardSalvation East. Sally here says she wasstuck in a Beatles rut, and that's whyshe planted, and yes, she counted it allout individually and by hand, a field ofsix thousand eight-hundred twenty-sevensunflowers. Here comes the sun? Howabout 'here comes the avian obesity'? IfI were you, I'd get out there fast,before we get a Hitchcock thriller goingon.

Kira, next time you want to ride a horsearound a field, we recommend wearingexactly what you did last Tuesday. Ihaven't seen Daley Biggs laugh so hardsince he was my nephew's science teacherand Andrew glued himself to the desk.

He got himself unglued, but his pantsdid not.

Yes, he paid for a new desk.

Third and finally, my personal favorite,Mrs. Nelson has been whipping up a stormof chocolate lollies at the church, tombstone shaped, to celebrate the end ofSummer with a bit of calorie-laden doom.They're on sale by the graveyard everyday this week.

September 13, 2018

T A M A R A C K T I M E S GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, we seem tohave a mysterious squash-slicer in town.Are zucchinis squashes? Foamy vegetablesubstitute for a good steak, but they dofake it well. In this case, overnight,we've had a rash of little hanged gourds(maybe zucchinis are gourds?) danglingin doorframes, windows, at bus stops, onbathroom counters and several locationsI had never thought a vegetable of suchan unusual size could dangle.

The Mayor's asking the veggie-dangler tokeep the witchcraft to a minimum untilat least October, but we all know Jack'sa stick in the mud.

Dangle away, oh Zucchini Mangler!

Speaking of mangling things and mysteryappearances, what's up with the fish bythe river, folks? I've heard rumors outof four separate reliable sources thatthey weren't drinking and really did seefish torn up on the banks, bellies open,but otherwise uneaten. I'd keep the kidsaway from the river, folks, just in casewhatever it is hasn't found what it waslooking for...

Last but not least, the White Witch ofTamarack Falls has the newspaper's fullsupport while she recovers from theLibrary Incident which occurred onFriday afternoon. I've been asked by thelibrary staff to give her a public thankyou for all of her help in identifyingthe killer. I've been asked by thepolice, however, not to say more thanthat, so we'll leave it right there.

September 20, 2018

T A M A R A C K T I M E S GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, I am gladto say that there have been no furtherfish shenanigans. Fish belong in riversor on my dinner plate, breaded and well-cooked.

Sorry, sushi-lovers. I'll admire yoursnacks for the art involved, but nothingis going to get me eating a raw fish.

Speculation over just who's going to winthe vote for this year's Apple Queen iseverywhere, and hoo boy, the competitionis getting tight.

Mind, the ballots are a secret, so ofcourse everyone knows who's on them. Mypersonal favorite is the pet goldfishnamed Bob, and the 'Bobby for Apples'campaign on the street corners...

The lemonade they're selling isn't bad,either. Made fresh, with little fish-shaped ice molds, even. Kids these daysget it easy. Back in the dinosaur dayswhen I was a kid, we had ice in actualcubes.

September 27, 2018

T A M A R A C K T I M E S GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, while I'msure you've already heard from the othercolumns in the paper, you haven't heardit from me: we have our first male AppleQueen this year, and it's none otherthan our local magician extraordinaire,Haruki. Congrats, kid. I can't wait tosee which consort you pull out of a hat.

Several young ladies and their parentshave expressed a wish that a certainbutt-naked somebody would have had a hatof his own, this past week, down on thedock by Lake Brunsett. I didn't get aname, but from what I've heard, the guyset his own crotch on fire and gotshoved off of the dock. That's versionnumber one.

Version number two involves tentaclesbetter seen in a hentai than a publicboating dock, fireballs better seen inDungeons & Dragons (and yes, Peter Qi, Ido know what that is; I'm not THAT oldand decrepit), and an attractive youngwoman weeping over his manly nudityuntil the cops showed up to congratulatehim on his victory over unnatural andmonstrous beasts.

Version number three involves saving alittle girl from a random attack by somevariation on an octopus, a sting ray ora seal, depending on which source I wastalking to, but the single unifyingevent in all of the stories was this guygetting his pants burned off and almostdrowning in the lake.

Tourists may wimp out and leave the lakeearly this year, but we've seen weirder,haven't we? Not to make light of thelittle girl's injuries, which aresupposedly extensive but minor andexpected to heal with minimal scarring,but if I were you, I wouldn't worry toomuch about seeing more of those crittersaround. I'm sure the experts from theeast bank will be taking care of it.

October 04, 2018

T A M A R A C K T I M E S GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, I've got a hankering for pumpkin pies, but everyoneis crazed about apples, and for goodreason. The recipes those contestantswere serving were mmmm mmm good, down tothe last bite.

I have no shame. I took a lot of bites.

I didn't get to take a bite out of thathandsome hunk of a Miller, however, whowas working at the emergency station. Idid get to see Susan Farrendahl flirtingup a storm with the man, which was areal treat, let me tell you. If I were aguy she had her sights on, hoo-ey, I'dbe drowning in that bounteous everythingin no time. Fly, meet web.

Pity Mr. Miller is another spider.

Speaking of eight-legged friends, I heartell the local elementary kids are fix-ing to decorate the schoolhouse and theoutside of the church this year, and acertain spidery stuffed somebody will bemaking a reappearance.

Just keep Fido away from him, Mikey. Hecan only have de-paraplegia surgery somany times before he gets a leg-popping-off complex.

I've heard there's a girl around town,no names given as yet, who claims Harukiis a poser, and not a real Apple Queen.Sounds like someone wants a bake-off, tome.

Win-win scenario for us, isn't it?

This time of year reminds me, too, thattimes are a-changing, and we'd best keepup. It's the dying of the year, folks,and you know the hunts are coming soon.

Play it safe. I know I will.

October 11, 2018

T A M A R A C K T I M E S GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, I hope wehave all learned our lesson as regardsopening doors to strangers. Also, whoknew BangBang had such an entertainingmeans of discouraging robbers? Really,even more than that, who would try torob a hair salon? Further, who wouldtry to rob a hair salon named 'Crops andBobbers' right down the street from thelocal police deputy?

On a lighter note, I'd like to offer mypersonal, and public, congratulations toMr. and Mrs. Hoffmann for sticking witheach other up until this, their 75thwedding anniversary. Also, when I'm ahundred and two, I sure hope I have theguts to take a hot air balloon ride overthe waterfall for MY anniversaries.

Speaking of the waterfall, I've heard afew reports of someone throwing birdfeathers into the river. There's nosign of actual birds being harmed, butif anyone knows the culprit behind it,the wardens would like to have a wordwith them about clogging the safetynets under the bridges...

We're getting closer to Halloween, andI don't know about you, but I'd keep mydoors locked, Kip, if I had an admireras dedicated as you do. Seems someoneleft cupcakes for our local bookstoresweetheart, but the address was twonumbers off. If anyone else sees asuspicious package, 'Mindy x Kip' wason this one, and police are lookinginto the identity of the thumb whichwas attached along with the 'Yours,always' letter on the box.

October 18, 2018

T A M A R A C K T I M E S GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, we've allhad a chance to say goodbye to Autumnand hello to old Jack Frost. How aboutthat snow, folks? Nothing's sticking,but if you haven't gotten those Springtulips in the ground yet, you'd best getcrackin'. The hard freezes are comingsoon.

The town's been drowning in apples forweeks, but the pumpkin fields are mightystrong competition, and I've got to say,my house has never looked more orange. Idon't know if it's a lucky little faeriein the fields or a portent that we'reall going to get snowed in and end upwith scurvy, but I'll take it.

Speaking of taking pumpkins...

I've been sponsored by Melissa Elliot ofthe, I quote, "Tamarack Elliots," bymeans of three pumpkin pies with extracinnamon (for which the entire officethanks you), to tell you all that if yousee a dark-haired man with insect eyeslooking out at you from the reflectionson the insides of your windows, youshould let her know, so she doesn't haveto feel like she is going crazy.

Liss, if you're going crazy, can you geta copy of that pie recipe over to Ashleyin the news room? It would be a cryingshame for the world to lose that pie,and I, for one, am going to have night-mares about staring eyes for days.

If you haven't checked it out yet, John,you and your Desrochers friends ought tosign up for that race this weekend. TheSpook-A-Thon seems right up your alley.I'm sure there will be giant spiders foryou to squeal at, just like Linda Mayswears you do any time you see one, butwhat do I know about revenge? I told youI wouldn't forget.

I'm told some out-of-towners have goneand challenged everybody to a paintballmatch as well. They seem mighty confi-dent about their chances of winning.

October 25, 2018

T A M A R A C K T I M E S GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, we've gota lot to say, so let's get saying it. Ihave some eye-witness reporting for you,seen by these very own peepers, thanksto Mayor Jack and his hideous love ofhealthy, environmentally conscious andearly-morning activities. Hiking up amountain when there's barely daylightjust to clean up trash left by the kidstoo foolish to tidy up the evidence oftheir own parties (looking at you, Johnand Annette, and George, too) is not myidea of a peaceful interview.

Now, on to the eye-witness business. Wesaw a bunch of trees just torn down inthe woods, a lot more than a few kidscould manage on foot. Didn't look likebear sign, and there wasn't anythingthat looked like power tools nearby, sobe careful out there if you're going ona hike alone.

Next, it's not even November yet, but wealready have some Christmas card capers,and some itchy, sneezy ones at that. Thefolks who've gotten these cards say theyfelt like allergies, but creepy, too,like they weren't the only person in thedriver's seat of their own bodies. Now,I don't know about you, but when peopletell ME to get into the holiday spirit,I don't go out and try to get possessed.

A Cade Sextus, I'm told, has had zerotakers on his offers to dye or paintwhatever metal he's brought. You'd thinka town like this would like some oddballart. Just think, we could all sport hubcaps as darling as Amanda Binks' Chevy.

Speaking of Binks, I've been watchingsome good old Halloween movie fun-a-thonruns on TV lately, to get myself intothe spooky spirit, and Hocus Pocus mustbe on somebody's list of favorites, be-cause I could swear it's been on twiceas often as anything else. Not that Imind. Can't go wrong with Bette Midlerputting a spell on you in fake buckteeth.

We CAN go wrong with a cornfield mazewhen there's no corn... Steve's alwaysbeen a little odd, but this takes thecake even for him. This month. Who cansay what he'll do in November? See, hehas a maze, but he hasn't grown corn infive years. It's just high weeds. I'mtold it's really something, but the kidI talked to, who gave me this scoop onthe promise that I wouldn't even hintat their name, clever person that theywere, got pretty spooked: either Stevereally has a faulty motor somewhere orsomeone was out there with a chainsaw.

November 01, 2018

T A M A R A C K T I M E S GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, have I gota scoop for you! Tanya Mallory, localaficionado extraordinaire, just gave mea bowl of some of Dare's newest flavors,and hoo boy, you've got to try these. Ididn't know my tongue even knew how totaste that many oddball things at once.

That said, Happy Halloween! A day lateis better than never. I'm not sure whoit was, but I've been hearing rumors allaround town that someone went around andplaced a bunch of stone cat carvings allover the place. What'd they do, crosspaths with a black one? Propitiation onthat scale seems a bit excessive, butwho am I to judge?

I've heard that Nancy's boy was foundout in the woods a few days back, afterbeing missing for a week. Just a fewscrapes and cuts, but please, folks, becareful about those woods. Especiallythe ones on the east bank.

On a much lighter note, it is my joy andprivilege to bring you yet another Kip-scapade this week. Rumor has it thatour local book-loving, rainbow-hairedroyalty left Crossroads in a hurry aftercozying up to Mr. Kip Kensington,followed moments later by the Kip him-self! Wonder what books THEY were goingoff to love...

Don't forget, folks -- we've had ourFirst Snow celebrations, but we're stillkeeping an eye out for the start of theFrozen Bread Guy on the first deep snow,and the forges at the town blacksmith'sworkshop are getting a good, thoroughcleaning in prep for the work he andhis assistants will be doing all throughDecember.

November 08, 2018

T A M A R A C K T I M E S GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, a lot ofkids at the hospital have had some magiceven past the night of Halloween itself.I'm told our bunny-crazy duo, Haruki andItsuki, dressed up as a Pharaoh mummyand, get this, an Egyptian god withbunny ears, spent time down at RiversideHospital and a few other charities andcare facilities as volunteer entertain-ment, doing magic tricks and, of course,because why wouldn't they have them,letting folks pet certified therapyrabbits, which I'm told were also incostume.

I don't know about you, but I sure hopethey had a lot of bunny pooper scoopers.

I've also heard tell that Mr. Harukithere has been a very studious AppleQueen down at Patterson Middle School aswell, having a contest for the bestapple-based diorama. Golden boy LoganBrenner offered prizes to the winners.No parents allowed.

Thankfully, it's turkey season here, andmmm mmm mmmmm I'm looking forward to agood, hot roasted bird with all the fix-ings. Ann-Marie still won't give me hergravy recipe, but as a little self-plug,on top of what Amanda's already writing,this is just a reminder that the paperwill be donating the proceeds of thisweek's publication to the local homelessshelter down in Fort Brunsett, so buy afew! Heck, paper your walls with them,or twist yourself up a good newspaperlog on the altar of good gossip. You'veall got gossip altars in your home, ofcourse. Don't you?

On a heavier note, I'm sad to say thatrumors of Old Man Jones were not in theleast exaggerated. He died as he lived:hurtling through space as quickly as hecould, just waiting for a hard drop. I,for one, will miss the old cuss. Thethings he used to tell me about littlemiss Bethesda Miller in her youngeryears, well, they're too much even forTHIS paper to publish. Rest in peace,Jones. I hope heaven's got a rocketjust for you

November 15, 2018

T A M A R A C K T I M E S GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, one of ourcharming young men has found out, thehard way, that black ice is no joke. Youhave my sympathies, Jacob, and I hope abroken coccyx doesn't slow you down. Mybet's still on you for hockey later thisWinter!

We're getting more snow, but the FrozenBread Guy committee says we aren't quiteready for full freeze. Too soon to bakeour delicious gentlemen, but I'm told Ican expect a full run-down on when thefestival will start, as soon as weatherbehaves itself.

If we get a blizzard next week, you canall blame me. I'll take the hate.

Speaking of hate, a little birdy tellsme that a certain young woman in a whitecoat has been seen lurking outside of acertain young man's bedroom window atnight, reciting poetry. The windowremains unmoved, but from all I've heardof it, the poetry sounds good. Girl, youshould go and loiter outside Paul Gann'splace next. He could use a refresher, orat least a bit of help, because Mandy'sabout to stuff his quill pen down hisloving throat.

Last but not least, Haruki would like toinform the world that rabbits are thebee's knees.

November 22, 2018

T A M A R A C K T I M E S GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, we have adilemma: as you have all surely read inthe news section of the paper, SOMEonehas managed to burn down a chunk of ourbest bookstore owner's shop, Homepage.

Now, police reports aside, I'm told thata fair number of ladies have been seengoing in and out of the place in recentdays, and Mina sure hasn't been happywith her affianced. Do we have a caseof jealous love on our hands, ladies andgents? Or is this really the fault ofa faulty appliance?

I have my own ideas. What do YOU think?

Speaking of Mina, I've heard a few peepsand chirps about a dance company down inBoston. Break a leg, girly. Crack thosenuts well.

With this being published on good oldThanksgiving and all, I'd like to listthe things I'm thankful for this year.Only three of them, since Charlie wonthe office bet.

I'm thankful for Mr. Roberts and hiswife, who never fail to give us some-thing fun to gossip over when they showup in the latest version of cutting eachother's hair. Lettie, I still say theelectric lemon banana curls beat out theurchin spines. At least you could kissthe guy without stabbing him!

I'm thankful for Clarice, for takingover the Crossroads Cafe when Hazel hadto leave us all. The town needed a goodwatering hole to mingle the old and theweird in. I, of course, am neither oldnor weird, despite Tommy's courteousefforts to walk me across the street.

Last but not least, I'm thankful to bealive. Real talk, here. The world's amessed up place, but we're doing somegood. I, for one, intend to keep ondoing it.

November 29, 2018

T A M A R A C K T I M E S GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, we say goodbye to another old friend. Pepper Millerwas a good boy, and almost always did ashe was told. His owner, Fitch, paid me abox of cinnamon candy purchased with hisown allowance to say so. Thank you, kid.My dentist thanks you, too. He loves itwhen I eat too much sugar.

December's just a day away, folks, and anoisy day, at that. I was out along theriverbank, tromping through the snow,and clangity-clang clang went the hammerat the blacksmith's place. He had a fewmighty fine assistants, too...

Pity they were all young enough to be mysons. Sons, Blair. Not grandsons. I'mnot THAT old.

Eye candy value aside, if you haven't planned a day to stop in for your iron,there's a calendar at the town hall. Ihear a certain someone has been blockingout his favorite days to chase people down for the holiday choir there, too. Samuel W. Lees, you should know better than to ask folks in THIS town to sing.Remember '72? I'm going to pretend Idon't, for the sake of remaining twenty-mumble.

A local author got a bit of a kick outof sweet eyefuls himself, it seems. I'vebeen given a peek at a book with somevery familiar characters on the cover,and said author has a great admirer inthe one who gave it to me. To para-phrase her letter, in her opinion, theman must REALLY care about getting theinvestigation right for all that work!

December 06, 2018

T A M A R A C K T I M E S GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, we have ourselves a nice little mystery. I've heardfrom a few sources that a tall brunettehas been seen standing outside of folks'homes, who skedaddles any time someonetakes notice of her. Anyone remembersetting out bait for Mothwoman?

On a lighter note, I hear tell there's aparty in the offing for the owner of thepaintball range, and from what the rumormill is telling me, booze will be in theoffing. Tempting. Very tempting. I'mtold the man hosting the thing's a tastymorsel his own self.

Speaking of new folks, do you all recallthe Utridge crew earlier this year? Mostof them seem to have departed for partsunknown, but my sources tell me missOlivia's been seen around. Where DIDthey all go? Secret lab? Hidden baby?If I hear the answer, folks, you'll bethe first to know!

I hear there was a bit of a to-do downat the mall recently with some SillyString(tm) and shaving cream. Best foodcourt entertainment in years. Sorry, Haljust can't compete with Looney Tunesstyle chase scenes and mall cops. Theteens responsible may not be quite asentertained, once they've finished withthe community service the cops havegiven them as punishment...

Also at the mall, while no one has beenable to peg who did it, we have a secondmystery this week: who beheaded SantaClaus? An animatronic's rosy cheeks andeverything attached are missing as ofthis week. I don't know about you, butI'm awfully curious about just what theculprit plans to do with a great bigbearded head in a hat.

December 13, 2018

T A M A R A C K T I M E S GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, we've got alittle less than two weeks until Christ-mas, and boy howdy are the decoratingcommittees a hive of busy busy bees.

Why, I heard from Mabel just the otherday that several of my sources had beenlying to me about who sold them the newgreenery swags they hung up on the TownHall. What is the world coming to, whenthere's a black market for balsam fir?

June could tell you, but she's gone andflown the coop.

That's right, ladies and gents: my oneand only gossip rival has decided tomake the big move down to balmy, sunnyHonolulu to live with her great-grandson.

Junebug, which I say with love and because you're going to be too far awayto smack me with your cane, you will bemissed. Sometimes.

Andy Johnson sure wishes the person(s)responsible for vandalizing his hardwarestore would start going missing. I heardfrom a friend of his cousin's that justthe other week, someone twice used spraypaint all along the back wall to writewho only knows what language. Do wehave an enterprising young witch doingspells in alleyways?

He did say it smelled like smoke...

December 20, 2018

T A M A R A C K T I M E S GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, someone hasdecided on being a Grinch the weekbefore Christmas, and what a shame thatis. Why, one of my sources was walkingpast Lost Treasures with her pooch, andtells me the poor toy shop was totallytrashed. The nice policemen wouldn'taccept my questions, but anyone wantingtoys from the store will just have towait until they get the door put back upin a frame that isn't busted.

In happier news, as I'm sure you've readearlier in the paper, the parade thisweekend is expectd to go off without toomany hitches, and as someone who's beenlistening to the kiddos practice, let metell you, you don't want to miss it. Itwill be an experience you won't forget.Possibly it will do permanent damage toyour retinas. Bring sunglasses.

Speaking of sunglasses...

I hear tell that we have ourselves aMysterious Stranger in town, who claimsto be a vampire, walks around with anumbrella on a sunny day, and pesterswaitresses beyond endurance. They do sayhe's a good tipper, however, even if itdoesn't make up for the rest. What doyou think? Cute goth or supernaturalpredator of the night? If he's real, Itotally call dibs on being his AnneRice.

I don't know about you, but I'm lovingthis heat wave, even if the Frozen BreadGuy contest is getting pushed back againuntil it stops raining. I'm thinkingI'll skip the raisins this year. Mybread guys keep getting eaten. Totallyinedible and rock solid is my goal thisyear. Jan, try not to steal that one foryour Christmas bread this time around. Ialready paid my dentist bills, and don'twant to go chipping a tooth on granitemasquerading as fruitbread. Point infact, let's make a night of it, and I'llbring the booze to keep it loose!

December 27, 2018

T A M A R A C K T I M E S GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, I hope weall had an excellent Christmas, those ofus who celebrate it, and for all thosewho don't, I hope the season's treatingyou well. Don't worry. Getting drunk offyour patoot on New Year's Eve is a fine,perfectly non-denominational holiday.You still have time.

Emily Watt, however, does not have time.No, our little Emily is, I'm told, goingto be grounded for the rest of her life.Em, kiddo, you know it isn't safe to goout at night on the river, especially atthis time of year.

My question is this: why lock your dollyup so thoroughly? Do you expect her tocome to life, rise up from her shelf andsettle on your pillow to stare at youwhile you sleep? Smiling, staring... Onsecond thought, I know exactly why you'dwant to lock her up.

As for me, the only things I've beenlocking up lately are my coffee and bon-bons. Henry, nice try on the filecabinet. Next time you want to pilfer mycoffee beans, don't wear cologne if youdon't want me to guess you've been there'borrowing' my delicious caffeinatedgold.