Morning Mess: Bye bye beer and bacon

New Year’s Eve is Monday. Another year come and gone. As we say goodbye to 2012, and hello 2013, two traditions come to mind.

1.) A knock down drag out New Year’s party

2.) Resolutions.

Since New Year’s Day is on a Tuesday, it means little time to recover from the hangover to end all hangovers. But you won’t need much time to recover if you can avoid the dreaded hangover altogether. Yes, you can still get your drink on. Just take the necessary steps to avoid a vicious migraine and a nasty stomach.

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Hey there, time traveller!This article was published 28/12/2012 (1692 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

New Year’s Eve is Monday. Another year come and gone. As we say goodbye to 2012, and hello 2013, two traditions come to mind.

1.) A knock down drag out New Year’s party

SUBMITTED

2.) Resolutions.

Since New Year’s Day is on a Tuesday, it means little time to recover from the hangover to end all hangovers. But you won’t need much time to recover if you can avoid the dreaded hangover altogether. Yes, you can still get your drink on. Just take the necessary steps to avoid a vicious migraine and a nasty stomach.

First of all, choose your drink and stick with it for the whole night. Don’t sample a bunch of different beverages. Also the more clear the beverage, the less of a hangover effect the booze has on you (apparently).

Also, sugar and carbonation are a big no-no. And try to down some water every so often so that you don’t get dehydrated. That will reduce the chances of having a headache.

Next, don’t drink on an empty stomach. Eat before you drink and eat during the course of the night.

Also, although there is no medical proof for these being effective hangover cures, some swear that drinking pickle juice or eating eggs and mushrooms does the trick.

Caution: A tender stomach on New Year’s Day subjected to eggs and pickle juice may produce New Year’s fireworks of the most colourful kind. Moderation is the goal, but often when the party is good, it never ends that way.

As for resolutions, according to a British survey, just 12 per cent of New Year’s resolutions last the entire year. While more than 50 per cent of those making resolutions went into the process confident that they would be able to stick to it, only 12 per cent were able to keep their promise to themselves until the end of the year — with most people failing within two weeks.

Interesting fact: For guys, the key to success was having an extremely detailed goal. For women, it was telling a lot of people about their resolution.

It’s great that you’ve made a New Year’s resolution and all, but have you really thought it through? Many times, things sound good at first and then not so good after you’ve actually given it a try. So you need to pick a resolution that can realistically be attained.

Here are life decisions that sound awesome — until you actually do them.

Getting back in shape:

Everyone tries this, but what no one seems to understand is that getting in shape is a lifelong commitment. Once I reach my desired shape, I’m supposed to maintain it — not go back to the couch and stuff my pie hole. But that’s what happens. The beauty of New Year’s Eve coming every 12 months is it gives you another chance to "get it right." I’m hoping one of these years, the magic pill will come along and all our problems will be solved. Why is it when we all diet Jan. 1 in this arctic tundra we call home, we pick the worst time of year to buy fresh vegetables. $25 for a head of lettuce always has me asking, "Is this really worth it?" A $2 bag of chips tastes better and it’s cheaper.

Adopting a puppy:

Sure you like dogs and love feeling like a hero for rescuing an animal from the shelter, but after you adopt it you have the responsibility of taking care of it. I’ve owned three dogs, and they have all ended up on a farm after my parents gave up trying to convince my sister and me to take care of it. They’re small and cute, grow up to be big and slobbery and poop everywhere. The end.

Quitting smoking:

Sure, it’s a good idea, but it’s going to take a long time to accomplish. You’ll probably fall off the wagon a few times along the way and it will be VERY painful. It took me 14 times before it stuck, and on a cold January night the whiff of second hand smoke still gets to me. But the alternative is to save for a wood box for yourself, so really it’s up to you. It’s very hard to do. I quit on Canada Day. Don’t ask me why, but less pressure and less stress in July. When those credit card bills come next month, you’ll wanna smoke, trust me.

Moving to a new place:

You know what you have with your current place. You have no idea what to expect from your new place and it may not be good. Maybe the neighbours are noisy. Maybe there’s a horrible smell that emanates from the vent. Maybe everything leaks, from your roof, to your taps, to the noise from those love-birds next door. Sheesh. Next you’ll need ear plugs. Or maybe you’re the nasty one making all that love noise and your neighbours are going to strangle you. Either way, the only way to evaluate a move is to weigh out all the pros and cons and go into it with your eyes wide open.

My 2013 challenge:

One or two changes are great. Too much could wreck your life. I knew a guy who started a new job in a new city when his wife was expecting, and they just adopted a dog. Everything was new. Soon, he was on his own enjoying a new life as a single guy. Start small. That’s why I’m going to challenge myself to eight weeks of no B and B — no beer and no bacon. Anyone who knows me knows this truly is a mountain to climb, but I’m ready for the challenge, and already have a beer patch and bacon air freshener in my arsenal of tools to help me reach my goal. Good luck New Year’s Eve and beyond, and all the best in 2013. I’m going for a beer now to wash down this bacon. After all, it’s not the 1st yet.

JOKE this WEEK

A very elderly couple is having an elegant New Year’s Eve dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our 10th child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away. But... I must know, did he have a different father?"

The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for moment and then confessed. "Yes. Yes, he did."

The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks,"Who? Who was he? Who was the father?"

Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then,finally, she says, "You."