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Saturday, July 30, 2011

Can I just tell you how amazed I am by our gracious God who works in such mysterious ways...Today we had a special day planned...Honestly, I wasn't sure if this day would ever happen... we have pretty much always left it open to our donor mom to do whatever she felt was right at the time...

I am soooooo glad that God allowed us to meet in person. She is just as amazing in person as I have thought that she would be...And her kids are just as precious:)

When she got to my parents, I couldn't contain myself and went outside to walk her up to the house. I just gave her a big hug and of course my emotions totally got the best of me. I could barely squeak out the thank you I have thought about giving to her in person, for months.Really, it is just impossible to thank her to the degree that I want to for this sweet little cuddly miracle and gift of Levi...

Later in the day she thanked me for giving Levi a life that she could not give him right now. I couldn't help but say, I think we totally got the way better end of the deal:) I do know that it brings her heart peace to know that Levi will be raised in a Christian home where he will learn all about the Savior who loves him and died for him.

We sat on the couch and visited. I absolutely loved getting to learn more details about her and Ryan, Levi's donor dad, who died 3 years ago...

My parents live on a plot of land with my 2 brother's families... I knew that my sister in laws and nieces were chomping at the bit to come and meet them:)

For me it was like visiting with an old friend, I learned so many new things about them and their families, yet from reading each others blogs, I felt like I already totally knew them. God is so amazing to weave our lives together out of such heartache for both of us...

Honestly, she is one of the most mature, respectful people... asking if she could take his picture or give him a kiss... of course I said.... ABSOLUTELY... NO PROBLEM!

I can not imagine how today was for her and how hard it might have been....

For me, I am on the end of living life with this precious gift that never would have happened with out her... I am completely in awe of the miracle of it all! I really don't feel like that feeling of absolutely blessedness will ever leave me. I can not look at Levi with out being overcome with the goodness of our God.

Before she left she looked at him and said something about growing up to know Jesus so that one day we can all live together forever, Levi, Ryan, Samuel, all of us... Oh, I can not wait for that day... this life here is but a blink of an eye compared to eternity...

As awesome as that day will be.... today was an extremely special day this side of Heaven...

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

The kids and I made it here safely late late Monday night...had to pull over a couple of times just to make sure I was wide awake:) I would never want to put my sweet little treasures in harms way... Louis stayed up with me and we chatted together. That was nice.

My talk at the seminary was so nice. The people were super receptive to me sharing my story... they were incredibly gracious as I spoke through tears some of the time... they even shed some tears with me. I feel so humbled to be able to share God's story of our family and adding Samuel, Hope and Levi over the past couple of years... I was so blessed to be able to talk about my Samuel and share him with others, something I don't get to do that often... The whole things just went better than I expected. I pray God uses it in others lives as they reach out to member in their future congregations who are grieving losses. I pray that it opened up their eyes to valuing life... no matter how short... no matter the stage in pregnancy or conception. It was a joy:) God was so faithful!

We are totally enjoying the cooler temps... it has been awesome!! We are basically doing a lot of hanging out with cousins and my brothers, sister in laws and families. My parents come home Friday, so we will get to add grandparents to the mix... Then next week Greg, and my sister family will come from Boston and my youngest brother and family will join us too... All 34 of us... I can't wait:) It has been too long since we were home...

And I can't wait to see Levi's donor mom in just 4 days... I am just so excited... I am overcome with God's goodness and faithfulness through all things. I know I say that all the time, but I can't help it... I am in awe that He brought her and her twins into our lives.

If you think of it pray for Levi, he has a really bad cough... we had our 2nddr. visit today. He has a bad cough, but besides that is great... happy, eating well, breathing fine... it still just worries me... I want him to be healthy... :) Man he is a joy....

Just wanted to update you all... Can't wait to share with you how Saturday is and share some pics of the kids and their cousins...

Friday, July 22, 2011

Anna and I with some friends from church at the mother/daughter ettiquette tea party at church last week...

It all turned out great... I was so thankful to have all the help that I did. I could never have pulled it off on my own. We went over place settings and table ettiquette and then tried to practice some of it while we ate. This will sound sad, but honestly, it is so good for me to be reminded of a lot of the ettiquette rules...

Levi... sporting a sweet onesie that was a gift from a blog friend in Canada who had also lost a baby... Thanks Laura...

Oh... the waiting that went on for this little sweet guy.... It was so worth it!!!

We have had such a busy week trying to get ready for the kids and I to head out of town. G will join us down the road for a little bit. I got a whole mess of meals frozen so that cooking will be easy up north. I know my mom would never have said to bring any food... but I just felt like it is one way I can help, but yet prepare ahead of time.

I have felt behind all summer around the house. How can that be when we aren't doing school or music lessons. We are taking a break from so much yet, I am having a hard time getting things accomplished. Really though, so often I can't help myself form just sitting with Levi in my arms soaking up his preciousness. I love cuddling with him... there is nothing better:)

Gotta run and get in bed... too late again... I must turn over a new leaf in this area... last mother/daughter class tomorrow... then cleaning up the house... I like to come home to a clean house after vacation... but then again Greg will still be here, but he doesn't create nearly the mess we all do:)

Monday, July 18, 2011

There have been so so many times that some have made me to feel that his life didn't count to them, wasn't a full life, because he never breathed a breath of air outside of my womb, or because they never saw him with their own eyes.

Over the last 33 months I have seen glimpses of how God has used his sweet little life to make an impact on others besides just members of our family. I remember the secretary from our church up north sending me a letter telling me all the ways that Samuel's short life had touched her life... That was one of the most precious gifts I have ever received...

Conversations with my dear friend from seminary where she will repeatedly mention Samuel and how it opened her eyes to so many things, changed her and how she sees things differently because of him; how she interacts differently with hurting people all because of his short life. She and her husband would have been Samuel's godparents... instead they are Hope's:)

Oh... my... Most people do not think to bring him up (I get it... it has been a long time:(... some are willing to talk about Samuel if I bring him up in conversation... some, I know, would run the other way if I brought him up...

But the few others who actually make it a point to mention him...ask me how I am doing at this point ... things like this are like a healing salve to my momma's heart... still 33 months later...

Does that sound crazy? 33 months later... I am just shaking my head looking at those words, 33 months later... I just wrote this same friend a letter last night telling her sometimes I feel like I have awoken from a 2 1/2 year coma...

Since Levi has arrived I feel like myself in ways that I haven't in SUCH A LONG TIME...I catch myself rockin out to songs in the radio just to get the kids to giggle...It feels so good... so so good....

Anyways, back to the point of my post...I have said from day 1... Lord please don't waste this pain... please use it somehow...

Well, like I said I have seen glimpses of how God has used Samuel in other's lives. Two very exciting things are happening that are obvious ways that God is using Samuel to bring Him glory.

When I head up north with the kids, (Greg will be staying home and joining us down the road) we will make a stop in St. Louis for me to speak on campus at the seminary... The pro-life group has asked me to come and share our story of the last few years since we left the seminary.... God's story of Samuel, Hope and Levi...

Honestly, I am totally humbled. I am not in any way a public speaker. But given the opportunity to share about my kids and the miracles that He has worked through bringing each of them to us in such unique ways... I can't pass that up. If you think of it, I would appreciate any prayers... that I can articulate exactly what God wants me to, to this group of people. I can't wait to share with them the blessing and value of a life no matter how short or long it was lived here on earth.

The leader also wants me to talk about how we can help those that are grieving, and to leave time for questions. That will actually happen a week from today. Who knows, there may only be a few people there or more... I know God will bring the exact people that He wants to bring there.

Another sweet opportunity that has come my way is to help take over the infant loss support group that I attend every month, MEND Tulsa. Our wonderful leader is resigning and a sweet friend and I are going to take over the leadership. She will be the head director and I will assist her. When I heard that our leader was going to resign, the very first thing I thought was that there was no way that we could let this ministry end... it is too vital to so many mama's who have lost babies and to the many mama's who will lose babies in the future in the Tulsa area.

MEND was a lifeline to me in the first year and has been such a huge blessing to me since then. As much as others might think that they understand, unless they have lived it as well, they really don't fully understand. They can sympathize with you, but really don't "get it" so to speak.

So, to provide a safe place to heal and share with others who have walked in the same shoes, is so vital when your world has been turned upside down. I am really looking forward to continuing to use our "Samuel experience" to help give others hope... that you really will survive the loss. You will forever be changed. You will forever miss and grieve for that sweet baby... but God is faithful to carry you through...

I just wanted to share with you how God is still using our Samuel 33 months later... and that feels so good!

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

THESE ARE 2 OF THE 3 EMBRYOS THAT THEY TRANSFERED INTO MY WOMB ONE YEAR AGO TODAY... MOST LIKELY OUR SWEET LEVI IS THE ONE ON THE LEFT:)

WHAT A DIFFERENCE A YEAR MAKES...:)

HE HAS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL BLUE EYES:)

I can hardly believe that a whole year has passed since Greg and I flew out to LA to transfer the babies. What an experience that was:)

I am thrilled beyond belief that the Lord saw fit to allow this little guy to live and thrive inside of me and now outside of me...

I know that it could have turned out so differently. I am so thankful to God that this was His plan to give us this miracle!

Levi Ryan,

Oh sweet precious little one. You are like a breath of fresh air in our lives. Every single person in this house can't get enough of you. You add an abundance of joy to each day and you couldn't really be an easier baby. You are such a delight to our hearts. Your life has brought healing to places in my heart that I thought might never heal. I just know that the Lord has big things in store for your life. He has worked through such challenging and difficult circumstances to bring you here. We look forward many more happy healthy years together , Lord willing. We love you so much sweet boy!

Sunday, July 10, 2011

UPDATED: I scheduled this post... but all I had was the uploaded photo....

Can you believe that face... and eyes? What a sweet little nugget! So often people remark on what a cutie pie Levi is... and I love it because I can really take no credit for it:) This little guy was formed years ago... frozen for 5 years, thawed and transfered to my womb for a nice warm place to grow...

Can you believe that? What a miracle! What a precious and amazing creation from God!!

I have news that I am so excited to share... Last week I contacted our donor mom. We email every once in a while or message on facebook. I mentioned that I would be heading up north at the end of the month and that if she wanted to meet Levi face to face we could maybe arrange something.

I always want to be sensitive to her feelings, so I mentioned that if she is never ready to do that this side of Heaven, that we understand... no pressure on our end.

We have actually arranged for her to come to my parents... She doesn't live anywhere near them, but was going to be traveling just a couple of hours away so it will work out great!

I am so excited... She is bringing her twins along. I can't wait to thank her in person... but really feel that no matter what I say, it can't ever really be enough to express how extrememly grateful I am to her. How can I adequately articulate everything I feel deep inside of me?

The only bummer part is that Greg won't be up north yet. He is really disappointed that he will miss getting to see them.

I am just in awe of God's faithfulness through the extremely dark and difficult times. Then I am amazed at the beauty that He created in this sweet little boy... Such preciousness from such pain on both of our sides. God is so so good!

Saturday, July 9, 2011

Today our friend from Seminary who is a pastor in Illinois is going through a superbeam stem cell transplant in Arkansas. He is at the Multiple Myloma Institute. He has been fighting this cancer for the last 2 years and is tired.

Right now he isn't eligible for the clinical trial they were waiting on because of an increase in lesions in his back from 4 to 39 since last Friday.

Please pray for a miracle healing... pray for God's will to be done... Pray for strength for Matt's body as this will wear him out... Pray for Janet his wife who is at home with the 2 kids in IL. Pray for Matt's mom who is with him in Arkansas. Pray for the Lord to give clear guidance and direction for them. Pray for their 2 girls, 12 and 9 who are worried about their daddy.

Please pray with us for this sweet family... let's be the body! Thanks friends!

Friday, July 8, 2011

More goodbyes... Maybe someday these 2 won't have to say goodbye... we are working on arranging a marriage with these 2:) Kidding... but my they would be cute together... they are good little buddies...

I had blogged about going to our Texas church and knowing it would be like going home... Well, when we walked in the doors there was an older woman who was in our very first small group as a married couple... The words out of her mouth were, "Welcome Home!" She took a look at the kids and blessed them all... an my heart was bursting...

Man those people know how to love you and are not afraid to do it... It was so special!

The head pastor greeted us all, had to preach shortly, but took all the time in the world with us... such a great reminder for me... I am always in a rush on Sunday mornings... I NEVER want anyone to feel I don't have time for them...

The service was AMAZING!! The fellowship with old friends so sweet and it was just great to be there...

Then we spent the whole day with our precious friends the Stocktons. It was such a treat... visiting, swimming, the usual Dads against sons soccer game (I am still not sure who won:) and and as usual lots of laughing...

I just picked up Caleb from camp today... Our first experience with camp for any of our kids and he loved it! We are all planning on going back for family camp over Labor Day weekend:)

Greg is up in Joplin with some adults working till Saturday.

I am holding down the fort with the kids... Anna still isn't totally well and Levi had a thankfully, very short lived bout last night. I am still not sure if he caught something from Anna or if it was some formula he had while I was at Bible Study... but praise God I think they are all on the mend for the most part... We are getting there:)

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

I have to post!!! I am totally over the top amazed by this incredible family. I started following Linny's blog, A place called Simplicity, a few years ago, right before their home was lost in a fire.

Over the years I have been inspired, challenged and changed by this woman. They are on their way to adopting thier 11th child. I always laugh because they admit that most people their age are getting ready to just start with grandchildren... but not DW and Linny. They take the call in James seriously, to care for widows and orphans... more seriously than I think anyone I know.

Just last November on a trip home to Wisconsin, my sister's friend Abbi was over for lunch. She was mentioning how she really felt like God was calling her to do a short term mission trip to Africa... but she had no idea how to go about it... I laughed showed her Linny's blog and said maybe she could hook up with DW who was taking a crew to Uganda the beginnning of January. Could Abbi pull it off, get it all organized to go in just about a month?

She did and Abbi said that DW was the real deal. He restored her hope in todays pastors... He pastors a church in Colorado.

Please check out their most recent post and be prepared to be inspired, challenged and changed? Amazing the selfless heart of these servants.... ENJOY!!!

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

The Riverwalk in San Antonio. It sure is charming. We skipped the boat rides at $8.50 a person. We figured we would get as many free boat rides as we would like from Grandpa Neumann when we head to Wisconsin later in the summer:)

We ate Mexican on the Riverwalk. The food was great... but holy cow... the birds are crazy. They didn't bother us while we ate, but the second we were done and got up, they were swarming... It was a little creepy!

Great Granny and Levi...

All of the cousins on the Hintz side of the family.

After we left Roman Nose, we had a 9 hour drive to San Antonio. We rarely stay at hotels because it seems like we are either camping or visiting family. But San Antonio was different. We decided to stay at a hotel right near the riverwalk. It was interesting to say the least to have all 8 of us stay in a hotel room.... 2 pack n plays, 2 queens and a pull out... It was cozy, but really everyone did great!

We were a short walk to the riverwalk... but it was HOT... HOT...HOT! We did our sight seeing and then headed back to the hotel to let the little ones nap and the big ones go swimming. I think the kids would stay in the hotel, just for the chance to swim. They love it!

We only stayed in San Antonio for 2 days and then headed to hot and humid Houston to see family. This was the most time we have gotten to spend with Greg's sister and family in a long time. That was so nice. Grandma took all the ladies out to lunch at our favorite tea room in the same town that Greg and I first lived in after we were married. They actually served Anna her coke in a teapot and cup... She was beaming.

I would have to say that the comic relief on the way home would be me TOTALLY embarrassing myself. When we were gassing up the van, I had to run in and use the bathroom. I couldn't wait any longer. Well when I walked out I walked straight for the big white van right in front of me... the only trouble is when I got there and greeted the man pumping the gas... it wasn't Greg... and when I looked over to where MY VAN was... There were Greg and the big kids all cracking up... Glad I could give them that sweet gift of humor:)

Monday, July 4, 2011

IT WAS SUCH A BEAUTIFUL SETTING... JOJO WAS TAKING IN ALL THAT GOD'S CREATION HAD TO OFFER...

The first 3 days of our vacation were spent at a pastor's retreat at Roman Nose State park a few hours from us.

We were so fortunate to be able to spend this time with the Tiews family. It worked out perfectly. We stayed in a duplex type cabin side by side. We were able to go swimming in the park pool and natural springs ( the water was freezing, or as us northern girls like to call it... refreshing), attend the retreat sessions, and cook our meals together. The first day when we were all getting ready to go swimming the door between the 2 rooms was open... When I came out with my suit on... the kids said, "Boy that is weird, your suit looks just like Mrs. Tiews." Lo and behold we had the exact same swim suit bottoms, and really similar tops. We both ordered them off the overstock on the landsend website... BIZARRE! I think we are starting to think more and more alike on a lot of things:)

When we were first in a small group together 13 years ago in Texas with just one child each, who would have thought another 9 kids later we would end up serving different churches in the same city... That has been such a blessing.

Isn't that just like God to know exactly what you need ahead of time and to provide in ways you would never have imagined? I love that God gave us that special sweet gift for both of our first calls into ministry:)

Sunday, July 3, 2011

I couldn't resist posting some of the many expressions of Levi over the past few weeks. Man, this sweet little guy just melts my heart, and keeps me constantly in awe of our Creator God.

He is such a good baby, really easy going for the most part. He traveled great in the car and pretty much is just happy to have someone paying attention to him. And trust me, he gets loads of attention. Just this morning before G and the the 2 older boys left for church at the crack of dawn, I knew Caleb would have to come in and sneak some sugies from Levi. He is heading to camp for 4 days after church. I think he may just miss Levi the most of all while he is away:)

I had to stay home from church today with the four littles. Anna threw up again last night. I am a bit baffled... we had pork ribs, although she had that 2 days ago and was fine... but the last time she was sick a couple of weeks ago, we had pulled pork that night. I don't know it may just come down to the fact that she still sucks her thumb and she is probably picking up germs... but thankfully no one else is showing any signs of feeling bad... time will tell...

Well, I just wanted to share some pictures of the littlest sweetie. I will try to post some pictures from our vacation soon. It was really nice to get away... much needed... but it was nice to get home too:) I can't tell you how much Greg and I love our own bed:)

About Me

I am a stay at home, homeschooling mom to 8 wonderful children. Our 5th child Samuel went from his home in my cozy womb to His Heavenly Fathers arms on October 29th 2008, just 1 day after his due date. We still miss him like crazy everyday.
We have since added our daughter, Hope Jubilee, to our family through domestic adoption, as of August 2010. In March of 2011 we were blessed with the birth of our son Levi, who is a miraculous gift we received through embryo adoption. And we anticipate the finalization of our adoption of Isaiah in early May 2013.
This is not the life we ever anticipated living, but we are in awe of God's plans for our family. We are living life surrendering to the will and plans of our Heavenly Father...
Our life is one filled with great joy as we daily live life, and as we look forward with great anticipation to being united with our Savior and reunited with our son Samuel in Heaven.

Followers

SAMUEL'S NAME IN THE SAND

A FAVORITE PICTURE OF OUR FIRST 5

ME AND MY HONEY

OUR LOUIS

OUR CALEB

OUR ANNA

OUR JOJO

OUR SAMUEL...SAFE IN HEAVEN

Baby Joel safe in Heaven

OUR SWEET BABY GIRL

Levi... our miracle through embryo adoption

Our Isaiah

Please Be Gentle By Jill B. Englar

Please be gentle with me for I am grieving.The sea I swim in is a lonely oneand the shore seems miles away.Waves of despair numb my soulas I struggle through each day.My heart is heavy with sorrow. I want to shout and screamand repeatedly ask 'why?'At times, my grief overwhelms me and I weep bitterly,so great is my loss.Please don’t turn away or tell me to move on with my life.I must embrace my painbefore I can begin to heal.Companion me through tearsand sit with me in loving silence.Honor where I am in my journey,not where you think I should be.Listen patiently to my story,I may need to tell it over and over again.It’s how I begin to graspthe enormity of my loss.Nurture me throughthe weeks and months ahead.Forgive me when I seemdistant and inconsolable.A small flame still burns within my heart,and shared memories may triggerboth laughter and tears.I need your support and understanding.There is no right or wrong way to grieve.I must find my own path.Please, will you walk beside me?

Remembering

RememberingGo ahead and mention my child,The one that died, you know.Don't worry about hurting me further.The depth of my pain doesn't show.Don't worry about making me cry.I'm already crying inside.Help me to healby releasing the tears that I try to hide.I'm hurt when you just keep silent,Pretending he didn't exist.I'd rather you mention my child,Knowing that he has been missed.You asked me how I was doing.I say "pretty good" or "fine".But healing is something ongoingI feel it will take a lifetime.~ Elizabeth Dent ~