Philadelphia MFT

We hear it frequently: “Live life to the fullest.” “Do you.” “Everything you want is on the other side of fear.” Quite frankly it’s all true. Amazing things happen to you when you find the courage to step outside of your comfort zone; however it’s easier said than done. Learning how to not be a slave to your fear is a challenge when you physically, mentally and emotionally feel like you’re going to fail when facing challenging life situations.

What is fear and why do we feel it?Fear is your body’s response to a situation, person or thing that we believe may bring us harm or death. It alerts your fight or flight system; simply put it makes us run away or towards a situation. During caveman times, fight or flight was a very necessary thing; it kept us alive. In the present day fear has grown from something that keeps the human race going to something that keeps us from experiencing life and all that it has to offer. As a society we’ve grown to be irrationally fearful of anything that challenges us: relationships, change, public speaking, asking your boss for a raise; you name it, we’re afraid of it. With over 40 million adults over the age of 18 in the United States living with a diagnosable anxiety disorder: fear seems to have gotten the best of us. But it doesn’t have to. This topic of the week will be focusing on how to face and overcome your fears so that you can use them to improve the quality of your life and relationships. Know your fear triggersGet a handle on the things that make you unreasonably anxious and fearful by understanding what triggers those feelings. Is it having to say no to someone you love? Having difficult conversations or meeting new people? Or a fear of failure? We're all fearful of things that we need to encounter to positively change our lives and relationships. Being aware of those triggers allows you to better assess if your fear is unreasonable or valid. Understand your responses to fear So what exactly happens to you when you’re afraid? Fear has a very visceral response. We don’t just feel it emotionally but it physically does a number on your body, even to the point where your immune system can be weakened if you remain in fight or flight mode for too long. Being mindful of both your physical and emotional responses to fear can help you identify what’s going on in the moment and how to use it to your benefit. Mentally when you’re afraid how do you respond? Do you become avoidant, irritable, or shut down completely? Physically what happens? Sweaty palms, shaking voice, and nausea get the best of you? Learn how to own it. When you first notice these symptoms occurring take a moment to step away and breathe deeply for a few moments. Then ask yourself if this fear to whatever is challenging you is real or irrational. Once you’ve checked in with yourself and honestly assessed your fear; tackle it head on.

Feel the fear and do it anyway Fear can be a valuable asset if you let it. Performers such as Beyoncé and Bruce Springsteen have reported that their overwhelming feelings of anxiety have pushed them to perform at their peak ability when they channeled it correctly. Of course you’re not a world renowned entertainer but you too can achieve greatness if you allow yourself to feel the fear and do it anyway. Making a conscious effort to choose your fight responses instead of flight responses allows your body to use that fear to overcome your challenges. Another benefit to working with your fear is that you become more courageous then you ever imagined you could be. The more you welcome fear, the less things shake you to your core.

There are many times where fear will get the best of you, but if you practice feeling the fear and using it to your advantage, you too can utilize fear to improve the quality of your life and relationships. If you feel as ifyour fear is irrational and overtaking your life, contact a therapist to learn more about anxiety disorders and phobias. This topic of the week was presented to you by Alanna Gardner, MFT.

Engaging in difficult conversations are a necessary evil in our situations and relationships. We usually dread having to discuss uncomfortable issues because of the anxiety we feel and the negative feedback we may receive from others. However the good can most certainly outweigh the bad when you have to have a challenging heart to heart with the ones you love. Here are just a few positives that come out of having difficult conversations:

You have a sense of relief When you’re upset about an issue and don’t challenge yourself to discuss it, animosity and resentment can develop; poisoning your spirit and ruining your relationship with others. Even if you have a tremendous amount of anxiety about broaching a subject, talking about it (even if it doesn’t go well) can make you feel a sense of relief due to it being verbalized and heard by the other person(s) involved.

You gain closure and understanding We can be so offended that we don’t even realize that the person who hurt us did so unintentionally. Speaking up and clearly explaining your issue can help you gain closure after everyone has addressed the misunderstanding. By pushing yourself to verbalize hurts and grievances you open yourself up to the opportunity to gain newfound understanding about yourself and your interactions with others.

You learn how to effectively articulate your emotionsIf you are someone who is very reactive or emotional when you try to address an issue with someone, you’re never going to get over it if you choose to continue to avoid the discomfort by refusing to discuss it. We all hate to be the person who thinks of what to say after the fact but you decrease your chances of having to deal with this if you challenge yourself more to speak up about your issues with others. To help you gain clarity about what you want to address during a difficult conversation, create bullet points that you want to bring up. Writing it down beforehand helps you gain a better understanding of why you’re upset and how to communicate that to effectively to someone else.

You find the confidence to set necessary boundariesTopics that are difficult are usually the ones in which we have to assert ourselves and create a boundary around a behavior that upsets us. Naturally, we hate to make others uncomfortable by correcting or telling them no. Humans are wired for belonging and closeness which leads us to our longing to be well liked and not rock the boat. However it is your responsibility to show people how you should be treated and the more you negate a difficult conversation, the more you accept whatever treatment you are receiving from others.

You learn how to “do it afraid” So many things are left unsaid because of the fear and dread associated with challenging conversations. We overthink and assume the worst will happen when we try to broach a touchy subject. “What if it doesn’t go well?” “What if they become upset with me?” “What if they cut me out of their life?”The above are just some of the fears that pass through our minds when we think about having not so pleasant discussions. Although difficult conversations are challenging, pushing yourself to have them every time a problem arises makes it that much easier. Regardless you will experience fear and anxiety but you’ll gain courage in learning how to do it afraid.

As anxiety provoking as difficult conversations can be, they are essential to our personal growth in life and relationships. When faced with the opportunity, always choose to challenge yourself and others to work through the hard discussion rather than shy away from them. If you feel you need more support on how to handle difficult conversations feel free to contact Philadelphia MFT.This topic of the week was written and presented by Alanna Gardner, MFT

As a therapist I challenge my clients to engage in activities that help them manage stress, anxiety and difficulties in their lives. Often the subject of meditation comes up and I encourage my clients to embrace the practice and the positive results it seems to have on people. However, I've never thought of engaging in meditation practices myself. Meditation seemed like something that I wouldn't be able to connect with; I felt like my mind races too much and that I didn't have the time for it. But most recently I challenged myself to participate in meditation, via Oprah and Deepak Chorpa's Free 21 day meditative experience; and I wanted to share my own results after consistently mediating for 15 days (the challenge isn't over yet so you can still sign up!) Here are 3 benefits of meditation that I experienced:Peaceful Mind and SpiritAs cliché as it sounds, I found that meditation did in fact quiet my mind and spirit. It was challenging to just sit and be without having 1,001 things going through my mind but after remaining consistent, I found that those intrusive thoughts that came to me began to quiet when I learned how to let them pass without acknowledging or judging myself for having them. Less Negative ThoughtsI will admit that I'm a pretty positive person, but even the most positive spirit can be plagued by negative thoughts. Through meditation I've learned that a lot of the negative thoughts I had didn't necessarily come from me and that I didn't have to act on them. I also didn't have to accept or internalize them when they came. Slowly but surely the thoughts have become infrequent. More Control Over My Mind and MoodThe greatest thing I have learned from meditating is that our minds function without us having to do anything. Just like our lungs and heart breathe and pump without us telling it to, so does our mind think about things automatically without our say so. Meditation is powerful in the sense that it helped me gain control over my thoughts. It helped me understand that I am not what my mind drifts to and that I need to be the one in control of my mind and the impact my mind has on my mood. Once I recognized that, It was a powerful moment of realization that changed my perspective on how I function.If you were like me and thought that meditation was not for you, challenge yourself to think and live outside your comfort zone. Everyone will have different meditative experiences but you may find that it could be exactly what you need to help you with whatever you're going through. For free guided meditations, check out Oprah and Deepak's challenge here as well as some great meditations via YouTube. Here is a resource to Free meditative practices in Philadelphia: http://philadelphia.shambhala.org/http://www.philameditation.org/This topic of the week is presented to you by Alanna Gardner, MFT

Conflict avoidance happens in some of our most intimate relationships. Whether it’s with our friends, family or lovers; we tend to avoid tension and difficult conversations with the hopes that it will all go away. However things usually tend to get worse and we miss the opportunity to speak up and resolve conflict before it becomes too far gone. To avoid that happening to you, here are some tips on how to address conflict with others. Recognize Why You’re Avoiding ConflictDo you know why you’re avoiding the difficulties in your relationships with others? Most of us by nature hate conflict but pin pointing why you’re going above and beyond to avoid conflict can give you some insight on how to move forward. Are you afraid of speaking up? Do you think the other person will fly off the handle? Or are you fearful of damaging or losing the relationship? Once you understand the “why” you can move on to the “how”. Make A Plan of ActionAfter you’ve recognized the “why”, take the proper steps to move past it. If you know that you get tripped up over your words, write out your points before hand and read them over so that you become comfortable with them before you talk with someone. If you tend to get really emotional during your discussions, look up some calming techniques you can use if things get too heated. There are so many ways you can rectify your issue, you just have to take the time out to develop it. Release Your Expectations of the End ResultYou can’t control how someone will react or how a situation will turn out once you address conflict. As uneasy as that may be, once you accept that fact you will be able to be more truthful with your feelings and concerns. The most you can do is control yourself and make sure you do your best on your end to be respectful, honest, and thoughtful in how you speak and respond.

Handling conflict can be stressful and sometimes you need some additional help depending on the situation. Here is a post that may ease you through the process:

If you feel your conflict is too big to handle on your own, don’t hesitate to call Philadelphia MFT for a free 15 minute consultation or to schedule an appointment to assist you through your conflicts. This topic of the week was written by Alanna Gardner, MFT.