"Star" to Hoosiers: You"re fired!

Roscoe Steed The Indianapolis S

The Indianapolis Star concluded its series on the failing Indiana economy, "State of Decline," by firing every man, woman and child in the state. "Let"s face it," said a Star spokesperson (born, raised and educated in another state - Utah), "we"ve got to start over if Indiana is going to get anywhere. Harsh measures? Sure. But if you make an omelet, you"ve got to break some eggs." Asked how The Star was able to fire so many people, the spokesperson shrugged and referred the question to Gannett corporate headquarters in Alexandria, Va. The decision to can all Hoosiers was apparently prompted by the paper"s coverage of the state"s economy. "We realized that Indiana"s in a box here - we"re too conservative, too timid, too boring, too lame to ever get out. The only way this state"s going to improve is to import a new population," explained the spokesperson, adding, "Heck, that"s what we"ve done here at The Star." The newspaper will be offering free subscriptions to college-educated adults willing to relocate to Indiana.