“After a detailed investigation, police have determined that the events described in the original news release did not happen.” A reported attack on an 11-year-old girl in Scarborough, who claimed that her hijab was cut twice on Friday morning by a young, scissors-wielding Asian male with a moustache, has been officially declared a false report. Khawlah Noman’s description of the incident prompted statements from all levels of government, including Justin Trudeau, who said that the supposed attacker's conduct "is not Canada."

Graydon Carter comes back with a deliberately idiotic app. The former Vanity Fair editor is on a six-month “garden leave” in Provence, but has resurfaced to tout his investment in Zig, whose founders imagined it as an Instagram of news. “People follow Kellyanne Conway the way they follow Kim Kardashian,” explained their Toronto-born guru, which is why the app asks users to tick off the names from a nightmare cocktail party: