New chemical Element Discovered

by William DeBuvitz

This bit of humor was written in April 1988 and appeared
in the January 1989 issue of The Physics Teacher.
William DeBuvitz was a physics professor at Middlesex County
College in Edison, New Jersey (USA). He retired in June of
2000.

The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by
investigators at a major U.S. research university. The element,
tentatively named administratium, has no protons or electrons and thus
has an atomic number of 0. However, it does have one neutron, 125
assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons and 111 assistant vice neutrons,
which gives it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held
together by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like
particles called morons.

Since it has no electrons, administratium is inert. However, it can be
detected chemically as it impedes every reaction it comes in contact
with. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of administratium
causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would
have normally occurred in less than a second.

Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years, at
which time it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in
which assistant neutrons, vice neutrons and assistant vice neutrons
exchange places. Some studies have shown that the atomic mass actually
increases after each reorganization.

Research at other laboratories indicates that administratium occurs
naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points
such as government agencies, large corporations, and universities. It
can usually be found in the newest, best appointed, and best maintained
buildings.

Scientists point out that administratium is known to be toxic at any
level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reaction
where it is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine
how administratium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but
results to date are not promising.