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Who Dey Revolution Manifesto

Preamble

IN THIS TIME of perpetual Cincinnati Bengals incompetence and futility, with zero playoff wins in the nineteen seasons since the WhoDeyRevolution Godfather, Paul Brown, passed away in 1991 and handed the team to his fortunate son, the Despot, Mike Brown;

Introduction

WE, the members of the Who Dey Revolution, in our fervent dedication to the Cincinnati Bengals and fanatical desire to transform our hometown team into perpetual Super Bowl contenders, call for a popular revolution of fans to demand comprehensive reform to the managerial decisions and approach of Cincinnati Bengals ownership, management, staff and players, and hereby call for the adoption of the following Who Dey Revolution Manifesto:

Manifesto Demands

THAT the Mike Brown, Katie Blackburn, Marvin Lewis, along with every other member of the Bengals management, staff and personnel, state publicly to all Bengals fans, “I will do everything in my power to help the Cincinnati Bengals win a Super Bowl;”

THAT Mike Brown will hire a general manager, drastically expand the scouting department and relinquish all control of player personnel;

THAT all training, rehabilitation and medical facilities are considered best-in-class compared to other NFL teams;

THAT the management fill the team only with players who fit the system, both mentally and physically, and are not reluctant to makes changes to player personnel when needed, regardless of cost or loyalty concerns;

THAT offensive and defensive line depth is considered the top priority for all player personnel decisions;

THAT all decisions made by ownership, management, staff and players, both on and off the field, are judged only by this criterion: “Does this help the Cincinnati Bengals win a Super Bowl?”

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June 02, 2008

You trying to say Jesus Christ can't hit a curveball? - The Bengals as Major League

Not to get all Bill Simmons Sports Feller here, but I can’t
think of a more apt comparison of the 2005 vs 2008 Bengals than Major League
vs. Major League II.

Think about it. In
2005, Bengals fans had endured 14 straight years of losing seasons, much like
the Coach Lou Brown’s Indians. After
battling a cheap owner (Mike Brown), the rag-tag bunch overcomes their
differences to win the division over their arch rival (Steelers). Then in Major League II, their collective and
individual egos (Chad Johnson) lead them back to the cellar. One can only hope that the 2008 Bengals can
overcome their similar situation and return to previous glory.

The comparisons don’t stop there. Let’s go player by player.

Rick “Wild Thing” Vaughn (Chad Johnson): After joining the team as a
relative no-name, the flashy Vaughn delights fans with his on the field antics
and dazzling play. He is loved by fans
for his attitude and by his fellow players for his dedication. He is a crucial factor in the teams success
in MJ1. Then, buoyed by his personal and
professional success, Vaughn’s ego leads him hire an evil PR agent (Drew
Rosenhaus?) and becomes more concerned with naming his pitches (TD
celebrations) than with winning.

Willie Mays Hayes (also Chad Johnson):Flash and skill on the field
degenerate to an overblown ego that leads Mays Hayes to star in low quality
action movies with Jesse Ventura. Black
Thunder/White Lightening. It’s only a
matter of time with Chad.

Pedro Cerrano (Rudi
Johnson): “I hit the straight ball
very much. But with curveball,
bats are afraid.” Rudi has the power of
an NFL running back, but lacks in breakaway speed and creativity.

Coach Lou Brown
(Marvin Lewis):Years of experience in the game but none at the head coach
level. Constantly battling with owner
for satisfactory facilities and support.

Rachel Phelps (Mike
Brown):Penny-pinching owners who were handed the team after the death of
the previous owner. Both have a similar
grasp for the sport, business acumen and loyalty to fans.

Eddie Harris (Willie
Anderson):Grizzled vet is a lynchpin for the teams success in and out of
the locker room. Knows every trick and
has seen it all. Locker room religious
proselytizing is not well received by teammates.