Funny Friday

In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world.

He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn’t yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong.

Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who in his day had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West. The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him the story of his great ambition. “Do you think you could give me some tips?” he asked.

The old man looked him up and down and said, “Well, for one thing, you’re wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.”

“Will that make me a better gunfighter?” asked the young man.

“Sure will,” replied the old-timer.

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.

“That’s terrific!” said the hot shot. “Got any more tips for me?”

“Yep,” said the old man. “Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That’ll give you a smoother draw.”

“Will that make me a better gunfighter?” asked the younger man.

“You bet it will,” said the old-timer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, then shot a cufflink off the piano player.

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. “See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.”

The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.

“No,” said the old-timer, “I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all.”

“Will that make me a better gunfighter?” asked the young man.

The Old Timer said , “No, but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he’s gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won’t hurt as much if it’s all greased up.”

—oo—

A young woman goes to her doctor’s office, afraid of the strange development on the inside of her thighs . . a green spot on the inside of each. “They won’t wash off, they won’t scrape off and they seem to be getting worse.”

The doctor assures her he’ll get to the bottom of the problem, and tells her not to worry until the tests come back.

A few days later, the woman’s phone rings. Much to her relief, it’s the doctor. She immediately begs to know what’s causing the spots.

An 84-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a young man walks by and asks him what’s wrong. Through his tears, the old man answers, “I’m in love with a 22-year-old woman.”
“Well, what’s wrong with that?” asks the young man.
Between his sobs and sniffles, he answers, “You don’t understand, every morning before she goes to work, we make love. At lunch time, she comes home and we make love again, and then she makes my favorite meal. In the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home and gives me the best time an old man could want. And then at supper time, and all night long, we make love.”
He breaks down, no longer able to speak.

The young man puts his arm around him. “I don’t understand. It sounds like you have the perfect relationship! Why are you sitting here on this park bench crying?”

The senile old man answers, again through his tears:
“I can’t remember where I live!”

———————-
THIS ONE IS FOR YOU, NOX :

A man owned a small ranch in Montana.
The Montana Work Force Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.
“I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,” demanded the agent.

“Well,” replied the farmer, “there’s my farm hand who’s been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus he gets free room and board.
The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board.
Then there’s the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.”

“That’s the guy I want to talk to…the half-wit,” said the agent.
“That would be me,” replied the rancher.

Hahahaha! Yes, I wrote all those. You may scoff, Terry, but let me tell you now that nobody can pull off a good, true grit Western like a British bird. What I tend to do is take the poetic licence that Hollywood do with things like “Enigma” or “Braveheart” and basically rewrite history.. 😉
But seriously, my new Western is out now “The Malocchio Of Bodie ( see how I brought the European influence in there – but with an Eye-Tallion rather than an English bloke) and am currently in Texas at the moment starting the sequel. So, I tell ya what, I’m prepared to give you a FREE COPY of my awesome novel and then you can tell me if I’ve pulled it off in true Merrrican style! You in, pard? 😛

Jules, I must apologize and confess… I had no idea of your talents, other than some pretty clever comments and comebacks on this blog. And so, I thought your 1st comment was in jest.
But I just sent my mole out to dig up some dirt on you, and I am impressed with what he found. Seems you are quite the talented writer. I read the blurb of your latest book, and it sounds pretty intriguing ! It’s even on AMAZON !

I’d love to read it, and I’d be happy to purchase my own copy, if I can send it to you for an autograph :).
Seriously, I intend to look for more of your works to enjoy.
Maybe, when you get time, you could consider authoring one of the titles I mentioned earlier…….;D

Terry, I have a tried and tested firewall against Kremlin attack so how did you manage that?

No need to apologise, I am made of hard British resilience where good humour and sarcasm rule the day! Seriously, the only way you could offend me is by dating Hillary Clinton or Nicola Sturgeon or voting for Corbyn the Commie.

I know! AMAZON.COM Next thing you know they’ll be selling my books in Target or the pound shop! Yeah….victory!

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