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even though i feel like i was a different person when i started this blog,

even though i’m not really that different at all.

life is nice right now, but not every day is nice. like, i remember it used to be that i loved every day ever, and i was always happy all the time, or i pretended to be, anyway. not anymore. now i don’t sleep nearly enough, and sometimes i don’t feel like talking to anybody, and sometimes i am extraordinarily happy for no reason at all. that bit’s still the same.

i am not exactly dreading college anymore, though i don’t know that i’m looking forward to it. maybe a little.

as of now i plan on becoming a first grade teacher, but i’m not even sure about that.

notice that i am not typing with capital letters. i’m not exactly into perfect grammar anymore. i used to be so careful about writing everything exactly right, the proper way, and i would never in a million years have typed an ‘I’ by itself without a capital letter. never ever.

i do things without thinking, nowadays. don’t know if that’s good or bad.

i talk more to different people, less to others.

sometimes i eavesdrop on people.

i’m a vegetarian now. have been since october 11th. it hasn’t been very difficult at all.

i have a tumblr. i never post here. i haven’t tweeted in about a month.

my mind is more cluttered

and i don’t get to sleep as easily because of it. i don’t always have nice dreams, and sometimes i don’t dream at all.

I had a dream last night that I was pregnant, and the dream lasted over a year. Eventually I had the baby, and she was perfect. And, I was at a store buying socks for her. Later, I awoke, and I felt like crying. That baby never even existed. Harsh dream world, do you really want to hurt me?

I’ve liked Gatorade lately. I used to hate it, but now I don’t. I am particularly fond of blueberry-pomegranate and lemon-lime. It tastes better when it’s cold.

I knit a mermaid and banana striped scarf. Those are what the colors are called. It is for Lauren, who asked me to make her one, and I said yes, and she bought the yarn for it.
It is almost exactly my height: 5 foot 7. Longer with the fringe added in.

I’m also knitting the Gryffindor vest for my Halloween costume, and I am almost done with the back. I stopped for five or so days to make the scarf, but now I’m back on it.

Work today was very strange. Five or six old-ish guys winked at me (at different times throughout my shift) when I told them to have a good/nice day/night/evening. One guy said, “You too, baby,” and he had a very red face. I was really just creeped out… I mean, that’s never happened at work before, and I looked just the same as I always do. I don’t know what was up.

Emma and I finished “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” yesterday. It was a satisfying ending, I suppose, but my two favorite characters were killed, so it was bittersweet.

We’ve begun watching “Angel” so far and it seems to be almost nearly as good.

Dungeons and Dragons starts up again tomorrow! And, auditions for the play are at the end of this week, so soon after will be auditions for stage crew. I hope I get it. Julie’s assured me I will, as she’s the stage manager, but I’m still worried. I’m worried a lot, about ridiculously insignificant things.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, my father is making fried rice for dinner and I’ve hardly eaten anything all day and am thus starving and this is a run-on sentence but the fried rice smells so GOOD… goodbye now.

I had a dream where the Beatles were sea monsters and I was on a reality tv show with them. On this show, me and a few other girls, along with John, Paul, George, and Ringo, were stranded on a futuristic kind of space station. It was like a deserted spaceship, in the middle of a dark murky lake in a dark cave.

The girls (including me) were told it was a romance show, and the point of it was to see if any of us were good matches for any of the boys. The real point, as we soon found out, was to feed the Beatles. They were actually some kind of sea monsters, and a deep lake in the middle of a cave was the perfect place to cover up their feedings on tasty American human flesh.

I am proud to say that I realized there was something up with the show earlier than the other girls… they were really very stupid, and even after it became obvious, they still refused to believe it.

In real life news, Saturday was one of the best days of my life. Rachel, Wallie, and I went to downtown Frederick at about 2 pm, and stayed there until 9 something, and it was a really amazing day. We went into all kinds of places, and managed not to get lost! We even used a map and were able to find specific places on it, though they all happened to be closed down…

No matter, though! We went to Goodwill, Hospital Thrift Store, a British foods shop, The Emporium, the Labyrinth, and about a trillion other wonderful places. Wallie broke his fast when we ate a late and delicious dinner at Five Guys, and we sat up on a big rectangular patch of grass while we ate, feeling on top of the world.

At Goodwill, I bought an amazing purple, red, and turquoise cardigan, and a New York shirt for my dad (he LOVES it), and Wallie found a wonderful dress for Rachel, and I found a cardigan and a sweater and a teal shirt for Wallie. Plus, I found a blue striped sweater at Hospital Thrift Store that he loved. I never thought it would be, but it’s such a thrill to pick out clothes for others and find that they really like them.

At The Emporium, which is an antiques place, Wallie showed Rachel and me the expensive Star Trek figurines he’s been telling us about for so long. And, upon seeing them, I started crying. It wasn’t that I was moved by them, or sad, or happy, or anything… lately I’ve been crying for no reason at all. For instance, in stat & prob on Friday, my teacher (who is very very nice, by the way) began reviewing standard deviation, and I burst in to tears. I don’t cry loudly, so nobody noticed, but it was the principle of the matter, that I haven’t been able to control my tears lately. It’s so strange. And, when it happens, my breathing goes all wonky.

Yesterday my older brother turned twenty-one. It came as quite of a shock to me, though I don’t know why. 21 seems so much older than 20, and I find it so difficult to believe that my brother is an adult now.

It’s been a long while since I’ve put anything real-life on here. I guess I got out of the groove of doing so.

School’s started up, two weeks ago, and it’s a perfectly marvelous year so far. First I am an aide for Mr. Ward, second is Tech Theatre with tons of my friends, third is Stat & Prob which I am delighted to say I actually understand, and last is German III, which is always fun.

A lot of seniors already seem to be showing signs of senioritis, and I must say I am already feeling the opposite, as if the year is going/going to go by too quickly and, before I know it, I’ll be eighteen and heading off to college.

Two not exactly bad but slightly horrible things happened during the perfect day, though…
1) I was wearing my Bye, Bye Birdie shirt from the musical. Rachel spotted a boy wearing the same shirt and ran up to him and tried to tell him. But, he couldn’t see her. At first it seemed like he was ignoring her, but he didn’t flinch or make any acknowledgment at all that he saw her. His parents walked in single file behind him, and they were the same. It was eerie.
2) I was so excited to eat dinner that I started running, and I tripped and my bag from Goodwill ripped, and everything fell out of it. Luckily I didn’t buy any underwear or anything embarrassing.

In knitting ventures, here are some of my recent projects in picture form:

After getting home from the wonderful day, I was in such a good mood, so excited and happy about absolutely everything, that I couldn’t speak properly. I kept pacing around the room, and I tried to tell my parents about some of the great memories, but I kept stuttering. The words would not come out.

I have remembered my dreams each morning for a couple of months now. I regret that I haven’t put a journal under my pillow to write them down. Last time I did that, I came up with ten day’s worth of dreams and it’s very interesting to read them now.

Anyhow, my most recent dream:

I go to a thrift store with my mother and Clara, and it is somehow connected to a gas station. We drive our car right into the gas station convenience store, park next to the counter, and walk to a surrounding room to get to it.

The thrift store has a sinister kind of vibe. It seems as if everybody there is on the prowl, hunting for something. I look through the various items on the first shelf I see, and lo and behold, I discover a treasure trove of items. I find a t-shirt somebody has made with quotes about slytherins all over it. The handwriting looks familiar, though, and I am sure I know who made it, so I do not purchase it… that would be very awkward if I were to see the person at school, while wearing their discarded shirt.

The next item is a shirt with a picture of Harry Potter’s head on it, no more, no less. I eagerly pick it up, astonished at my good fortune. Only then do I see what was beneath the pile: scarves. These are not just any scarves, oh, no: these are Hogwarts house scarves, obviously handknitted with care. There is a slytherin scarf, and a ravenclaw one, at first. I plan to give the ravenclaw scarf to Kaitlyn, a friend who has always badgered Rachel and me to make her one. Next is a gryffindor scarf, which is delightful, because it means I do not have to somehow knit one to wear on Halloween. I am going as Sirius Black, a young Sirius Black.

After the gryffindor scarf is a strange maroon and white scarf. It appears to be handknitted as well, though the fringe on the ends is very sparse. I leave this behind, and pick up a real jewel beneath it, a house unity scarf.

Thrilled with my loot, I walk a bit more round the thrift store, and move into an ajoining room, which is full of tables of various nuts and fruits, covered in chocolate or yogurt or seasoned in one way or another. There are sample of nearly everything, so I take a few and then walk to what appears to be the exit. The scarves each cost five dollars, a real bargain in my opinion. I leave the money on the counter near the exit, not telling anybody but merely leaving.

Outside there is a small garden plot, and I see a huge black and brown dog charge towards me. Somebody from inside yells at me to come back in, and I do so quickly, but I am not fast enough. The dog runs inside and starts mauling me. The owner of the store, I assume, calls the name of another dog, and a small white one comes towards me as well. I think this dog is meant to drag the other dog off me, but in reality it starts chewing on my leg.

I finally pry them off me, and run and run and run, but I only make it back into the room I found the scarves and shirt in. I am somehow aware that this has all been a dream. I am disappointed that it is not real, because I am so happy about the scarves.

Then I wake up, and it is 7:45, and I keep trying to go back to sleep and then waking up until about 8:25, when I get up and then type this up.

Going with Rachel and her brother and father to Pennsylvania was a MARVELOUS, MARVELOUS time. It was a week, and there are really so many great memories that I can only touch on a few of them, and in list form because I MUST go to sleep (working tomorrow.).

So, there was:
-Bravo the Great, a truly AWFUL assistant to this really great magician in Scranton
-and evil deer who hissed and reared at us, whom we then found lived right behind the house we were staying at
-Harry Potter role playing for DAYSSS, so that when I tried to say something NOT in a British accent, I found that I couldn’t.
-making couscous, and fluffing them after cooking them, and they were DELICIOUS
-playing pool and gin rummy and bananagrams
-going to a mining village twice, and on the second time going to the gift shop and buying PERFUME LAMPS, which are little battery powered lamps with compasses on the top- the best part about them is the set of warnings on the box, which include: ‘Do not use in dusty play,’ and ‘Do not clean it case using paint thinner.’ Those words exactly. HILARIOUS.

Speaking of hilarious, I’ve been watching “A Very Potter Sequel” and it is the funniest thing I’ve seen in so long. I forgot how BRILLIANT it all is… I’m going to have to re-watch it and also the original soon… though, I still have about twenty minutes left of the sequel, to be watched tomorrow before work.

Well, the trip was just great. There’s really so much to say about it but those were a few highlights. OH, and CARP– there were these two HUGE white fish following us around in the lake, and it was terrifying at the time. Now, though, I think back and laugh and laugh.

I finished a long, long pair of legwarmers yesterday.
This is with them cuffed three or four times. Trust me, they’re LONG.

Now I’ve gone back to knitting the pair of shorts I started a month or so ago. I’ve gotten pretty far with the second leg today.

GOOD NIGHT, now!

EDITED TO ADD: I’ve now got a pair of thick wonderful cobalt blue leggings and a Three Wolf Moon shirt!
Andddd, happy August!

Yesterday at work:
I went to the break room for my break, as per usual, and there were fifteen or so people sitting at the tables, all wearing completely white. I sat down at the only seat empty, right in the middle of them all. So, I’m sitting there drinking my fruit punch, and then this other woman comes in, wearing fancy clothes, she she stands in front of everybody and says, “Okay, we’re going to start the meeting now!” Everybody looks at her and she starts going over statistics of some kind, and from what I gathered it was a meeting for the heads of the bakery branch at various Safeway stores in the area. Even more embarrassing than being stuck in the middle of them all, however, was that the woman making the speech was standing directly in front of the only way out of the room. So, when my break was up, I had to stand up in front of them all and excuse myself. It was soooo awkward.

Today:
In an hour and a half, I will be dropped off at Rachel’s house to go on vacation with Rachel’s family. Well, minus her mother, who got lime disease, unfortunately. We’ll be going to Pennsylvania for a week. There’s a lake to swim in and we’ll be up near the mountains and that’s really all I know about it.

It will be so much fun I can hardly bear it, though.

On another note, the other day I began knitting a pair of orange and purple-y striped legwarmers, and I LOVE THEM so far. They are softer than all get out.

I am walking through a mall (aren’t I always?) and peeking in and out of all the different shops, and I see one that looks very strange but interesting. I walk in, and am promptly pushed into a chute, like a big slide made of metal, and fall into a huge room full of double beds, all with stark white sheets and two stark white pillows. I am told it is a model school, and by walking into the store I have suddenly changed into a tall, monstrously thin girl, perfect for modeling.

The other girls and I walk around the mall once more, and everything seems different, like everybody else is inferior to us, even though we, despite being models, are really just regular people trapped in a model house. I go into a store selling lotions and soaps and things of that nature, with another girl, and I look over at her and I see she is lying in the floor, wearing a bikini. Suddenly, swarms of people with cameras rush into the shop, and, unable to choose my words, I say aloud to them, “Leave! This girl is pregnant!” and she is pregnant, pretty pregnant indeed, but it turns out she is a celebrity of sorts, and the people were paparazzi, and now they have something to write about.

The girl is very angry at me, and everything around me disappears and then I see that I am now that girl, months later, holding a tiny baby in my arms. I am walking around a department store holding the baby, and every so often somebody comments on how sweet she looks.

I walk a bit further and I see my family, my real-life family, and they are all sitting down cross-legged, and one of our dogs, Gatsby, is there but he is a puppy once more. They are sliding him across the floor, and he slides enormous lengths of floor, across the whole store, practically. My family is laughing, and Gatsby’s eyes look googly-eyed when he slides. Then I see a television on the ceiling, and I see it is covering a news story, and it is the story of Gatsby sliding across the store floor, with a live feed of him sliding right now.

While in the store a girl from my school whom I have never spoken to before, Lauren, comes up to me excitedly and tells me that she just saw Erik, a guy from my real-life work, in the store. Apparently she thought he lived at the store…

I disappear at some point and am now the live-in nanny of a celebrity whose child is a kid from the movie “Daddy Day Care,” this one:
And I am babysitting him in their house, and the mother is in some kid of fashion show, and I open the door to the house and the stage is right outside the door, complete with an audience and flashing lights. I continue babysitting him, and the mother comes back every so often, running extremely fast, and makes baked goods that she puts on the counter.

I am about to bite into a particularly delicious-looking cheesecake bar when my mother comes in and wakes me up.

I’ll have to go to the doctor tomorrow morning if I’m still sick, in which case I’ll also have to call in sick for work. Would be the first time calling in sick for my first time working in about three weeks.

I’m dizzy when I stand up and my throat feels like it’s closing in and I can hardly eat anything except for the occasional tuna melt without getting nauseous.

Emma’s started watching Buffy with me and it’s nice to have a watching companion to discuss and discuss and discuss. And, she loves it too. It’s exciting.

Early this morning, round 2:00 am, I woke up and Clara was pacing around the room, and the lights were all on. I thought I was imagining it at first, but I wasn’t, and I told her she should go to sleep and she went straight up to her bed. But, she didn’t even sleep there. She slept in the sunroom. So, I don’t know what was up.

Earlier today, Zinnia went into the kitchen and poured an entire box of Kix cereal into a big blue bowl. She carried it to the living room and was very pleased with herself. It was funny and cute even when she spilled it all and I had to clean it all up.

The eggs are in the incubator, have been for a few days now, and I am eagerly awaiting the day they will hatch. Some time in early August, I think.

ETA: I don’t believe I mentioned this, but I passed the AP Environmental Science exam! I got a 3. It thrilled me so much to have passed… I was so worried. And in two weeks or so I’ll be visiting American University. I think that’s my top choice for a college, at least so far as I know.

Today was excellent and nice. So was How to Train Your Dragon. We saw that this evening at the dollar theater, and it was mesmerizing. Mesmerize… what a strange-sounding word. I’ve know the word for so long, but I don’t know that I’ve ever used it.

We saw the movie instead of going to the pool, as it was supposed to rain. It’s raining now, and it’s lovely.

We’re having burgers for dinner, soon.

And, OH MY GOD guess what? Jake got a tattoo! My big brother! I can’t believe I forgot. I thought my mom would start crying when he showed it to us, but she didn’t. Actually, she even liked it! And, I do too. It’s a scene from The Giving Tree, a nice plain pencil or plain ink looking sketch, on his lower leg, left leg, I think. The funniest part is that my mother always joked, whenever he talked about getting a tattoo, “Okay, but it has to say ‘mama’ in a heart.” And, there’s a little heart on the tree, the giving tree, and inside it says ‘mama.’ It fits in perfectly.