This past semester I’ve taken a break from coursework. One of the major reasons for taking this break has been that I’ve been trying to catch up to the exorbitant costs of private school tuition. In fact, recently I even looked into alternative doctoral programs. And in so doing, I had to study for and take the dreaded graduate record exam or GRE.

The GRE is an exam that many prospective students have to take in order to gain acceptance into graduate school. There’s much debate over the importance of using the GRE as part of admissions standards. The first portion of the test is an analytical writing section where test takers argue a point or discuss an issue.

As I was writing my essay, I thought of a good essay prompt myself “Some consider the GRE to be an antiquated form of measurement of students’ abilities with some schools dismissing its use altogether. Should the GRE be considered as part of admissions practices?”

In studying for this exam I came face to face with one of my fears. That in turn put me in better touch with what some of the individuals who come in to see me also face; especially with something like standardized test taking in this city crawling with students.

We as therapists are not just sitting here watching life happen to the individuals we work with we’re also living it ourselves and therefore dealing with some of the same issues. That includes facing our own fears. Life is participatory.

Here’s something that could be beneficial for us all that I drew recently from this test-taking experience. It’s part of the reason why people get anxiety from being measured in any way. That measurement whatever it is—be it weight, height, volume, IQ points, quantitative or verbal scores, unmeeting/meeting/or exceeding metrics if we’re talking about performance reviews for work. . .none of that, not any of it, has to do anything with our inherent worth and value.

And yet so many of us get caught up in the external world of measurements. Measurement has its place. But sometimes we measure or calculate in order to achieve exactness and then we argue over the exactness of our exactness or the ability to correctly calculate for correctness. It’s an endless loop. There is value in measurement--but separately, not as part of how we determine our worth.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m proud of the fact that I made it through my master’s degree program with high scores. It was a way of holding myself accountable to a standard that I had set for myself. I’m proud of every achievement I’ve attained that had aspects of measurement involved—achieving what for me feels like a healthy weight is another example of that.

In fact, I needed the scores to pass the tests that got me here today—with my driver’s license in hand, my license to practice therapy, the scores I needed to win awards and competitions. I could even be grateful for the measurements that were required to get me the contact lens prescription to see clearly not only to be able to do all of these things but to type these words on this page.

But are some of these things we’re wanting to measure truly measureable and in our measuring how can we say that we’re achieving exactness when there are so many mitigating circumstances? Yes, take fine measurements to get me an accurate eyeglass prescription or to calculate the measurements you’ll need to do lasik if I go that route. Get as precise as you can get. Use fine measurements when adjusting the chlorine in pools by all means.

But as the famous quote goes should we be evaluating fish for their ability to climb?

Reliability and validity are important components of research and in designing instruments of measurement. I remember sitting in a research class in my master’s degree program and pouring through journal article after journal article that claimed to capture what it did not. These were examples of bad research. We were honing our skills when developing our own research methods.

There is a lot of bad research out there. Given the methods that we have to measure and create evidence-based practices scientists do their best with it. And actually, I can think of so many other places where being as precise as we can in our research does serve a greater purpose.

I hope that when I get on the bridge this morning for my daily commute the architects who designed it were using measurements that were precise and I trust when given medication to treat the cold or flu that precision is used there too.

Reliability is how consistently over time, over researchers, and across items what is being tested performs in the same way. Validity refers to the way in which the design and methods used to go about measuring the expected results actually represent what they say they are representing. If research is both reliable and valid we say then that the tool is evidence-based or based on solid and sound research.

We can extend the metaphor to people. When something or someone is non reliable or incongruent about their claims it makes it hard to make decisions based off the information coming from the source. We begin to question an individual’s honesty and trustworthiness or that the source of the information is actually genuine and authentic.

Without that sense of honesty it’s difficult to achieve integrity—in test-taking and in life. And what is integrity but integration, balance. It’s the feeling of being whole and complete which in part comes from consistency and being true to your word. This leads to authenticity and alignment–where one’s values reflect one’s deeds.

Sometimes this is tricky as we go out into the world to experiment with where our values lie or as we experiment with developing methods of measurement in other ways like developing tests.

We make mistakes not only as individuals but in the instruments of our design. Using a dialectal behavioral approach I strive for self-improvement and hold in balance the idea of radical self-acceptance. Aim high I think, but also do your best given the circumstances.

How far does my value in freedom and personal expression lead me? Or conversely, how far does the value and emphasis I place on restraint lead me? And in following these values and when making mistakes do I stop to apologize and make amends?

What was interesting for me going into this test is that I was able to see it better for what it was—just a test. A test that was going to produce a measurement. That doesn’t mean that I was able to rid myself of all test-taking anxiety. But it did give me greater empathy for the students I work with.

With all the work I’ve done on myself I was actually able to relax somewhat even when I knew I didn’t know the answer to the question–self improvement and self acceptance. That in turn produced greater focus and the ability to perform my best.

Everyone is born with an inner strength and genius. That strength might be in the form of musical talent. Maybe someone is very gifted at playing the piano for instance. Another strength might lie in an individual's athletic abilities. Think of the athletes that compete in the Olympics and the caliber of talent that goes into that sporting event.

A person’s inner strength might flow from artistic talent related to painting, drawing, and the visual arts. There are those whose talents lie in linguistics and the ability to craft words on paper. Some people have really very good computational skills--skills highly needed in science, technology, and the engineering realms.

There are individuals with inner strengths related to the ability to work their way through a crowd and in social settings. Or conversely an individual’s talents might lie in the ability to go inward and introspect away from the fray of it all. All of these strengths relate to what Harvard Psychologist Howard Gardner calls multiple intelligences.

But there are also a host of personality tests that might reveal other inner strengths an individual may possess, for instance, the Clifton Strengths Finder developed by Donald O. Clifton another American Psychologist, identifies several other items for the list. We have individuals who are good with brainstorming ideas, individuals who are natural born learners or leaders, individuals who have great discipline and focus, and then there are those of us who are great communicators.

The point being that we, every single one of us, have some form of talent either innate or acquired. And when we go through periods of transition, those periods of time that call on our ability to be resilient, these inner strengths are the types of things in which we can find an anchor and refuge. For example, the person who is a natural at coming up with a plan, when going through a tumultuous period, those planning skills may bring a sense of relief from the stress.

The things we consider our inner strengths have the ability to carry us through because 1. They come naturally and with ease 2. We have demonstrated some form of mastery in them 3. They call upon our individual uniqueness, which further builds on our ability to be authentic and 4. They give us a confidence boost and in so doing attract others to our cause.

Those same strengths feed into perhaps what we would conceive of as our inner genius or inner wisdom. To me, inner wisdom is that thing that is wholly personal and beyond other people’s judgment and criticism. It lies beneath sometimes our initial thoughts and is a place of stability to come back to when we feel defeated by insecurities.

It’s a type of personal truth that if resting on any universal concepts would rest surely on basic concepts like our inherent value and worth, both related to the inner voice that each of us possess as individuals and yet harken back to our shared humanity.

There is some suggestion in the literature that relying on one’s own inner strengths and wisdom can guide an individual away from psychopathology because it is a way of putting the focus back on the ability to rise above via our competencies and away from the negative consequences of traumatic events (Southwick, S. M., Bonanno, G. A., Masten, A. S., Panter-Brick, C., & Yehuda, R., 2014).

Donita Diamata a former consumer turned professional and Project Coordinator for Financial Self-Sufficiency at Mental Health America of Oregon, puts the emphasis again on the importance of finding one's own inner strength as part of the process of recovery. Donita notes that the longer a person stays on Social Security Insurance, for example, the harder it is to break out of using it because the individual starts not to recognize their own inner strengths and becomes instead reliant on others' decision making.

Dr. Gregg Steinberg who got his doctorate at The University of Florida, states in his TED Talk that it takes the ability to pivot off of tragedy and to use tragedy as the reason in essence to transcend. Dr. Steinberg notes that 1. The tragedy is a wake-up call to change 2. It challenges us to realize strengths and talents we never had 3. It calls upon us to release our inner genius 4. It forces us to align our lives with a sense of true purpose 5. It encourages us to find the “we” spot instead of “me” spot and to let go of what we can get and focus on what we can give.

In other words, tragedy in life is either our reason for doing things a bit differently or our excuse to maintain the status quo.

Dr. Darlene Mininni (2015) in her lecture on resilience starts by suggesting we ask ourselves "What are our strengths in life and what is possible?" Indeed what is possible? There is definitely momentum and traction in contemplating on those things--"the art of the possible" to borrow from Evita. It's a type of forward movement.

Cyrulink (2011) offers up this definition of resilience taken from a conference in 1998 “[t]he ability to succeed, to live and to develop in a positive way and socially acceptable way, despite the stress or adversity that would normally involve the real possibility of a negative outcome.” From the American Psychological Association, part of being resilient is developing "A positive view of yourself and confidence in your strengths and abilities."

And finally, we are social beings. And when we can form relationships with others that expose both our inner strengths and our vulnerabilities it helps to reinforce new circuits in our brains which then help us to develop both trust and pride in ourselves along with the ability to experience the feeling of safety and acceptance in others (Graham, 2013).

There’s a clip that I use in sessions. I keep coming back to it. So, I’m just going to pause during my lunch break here and get this post out before entering into a block of sessions this afternoon.

The clip is less than a minute in length. Anytime I use multimedia I ask for permission from my clients and try to keep it to a minimum. I also only use something if I think it applies. As we know with the learning process in general, sometimes it helps with learning to go over the same material but in a different way.

Here’s the clip. Brené Brown, of course, has gained in popularity over the past several years. I have so many other readings that, admittedly, I haven’t taken the time to go through all of her stuff and in some sense, I feel like I’ve come across the material that she presents in other ways.

But, in the above clip she’s talking about value, one’s own perceived value. I incorporate a lot of cognitive behavioral therapy in sessions (CBT) and what Brené says at the beginning of this clip is very much CBT oriented. She says: If you go through the world looking for evidence that you don’t belong you will always find it.

What I point out to my clients is that you can fill in the blank with all sorts of replacements: “If you go through the world looking for evidence that __________”

-you are weak -you are powerless -you are bad -you are inadequate -you are a failure

Then she goes on to say “Our worth and our belonging are not negotiated with other people, we carry those inside of our hearts.” I think that people who sometimes come in with issues related to self-esteem find themselves in life in some ways battling with someone or something over their self-worth.

I see that as entering the “negotiation phase” as Brené Brown says. The automatic thinking goes something like this: “Well my boss did call me in to point out that I better improve my performance in this area and if I don’t I could possibly get laid off, so I must be a failure” or “My wife told me that if I don’t lose the weight she’s going to leave” or “I have difficulties letting people get close to me because they will find out how deeply flawed I am.”

In all of these fictionalized examples, the person speaking has placed a condition on their worth based on different situations they find themselves in. The underlying thinking sounds something like: If I can keep my job, I can prove my worth. If I can lose the weight, I can prove my worth. If I can sustain this marriage, I can prove my worth.

What’s being left out are two things: 1) all of the mitigating circumstances and contributing factors that lead to the situation, and 2) the idea in the first place that one’s worth could be a topic of conversation for the day.

What if the person facing job loss is in the wrong profession? What if the person with the weight issue doesn’t, in fact, have a weight issue, but a marital problem? What if the person who does not find themselves in close friendship is not in any way flawed, but has difficulty finding people to connect authentically with in a world that at many times can be so unauthentic?

In other words, there are alternative ways of looking at each of these scenarios. But the one thing that remains constant throughout is that a person’s worth, a person’s dignity should never fall into question. Because we all have inherent worth and dignity.

This is a nonnegotiable. Part of the work of therapy is to get a rock-solid grip on that concept. And there are various tools for getting there. Time and again in life we will encounter relationships that end, we’ll be the recipient of mean things said or done, we’ll make mistakes—it’s part of being human.

Life can be god damn messy at times, no doubt due in large part to miscommunications and misperceptions and randomness. But here is the takeaway for me and part of what I want to try to impart to others as I do this work.

There doesn’t need to be the fear that people will hit on that thing of all things that we guard so well against, because if people only knew, then they’d reject us in the same way that we reject ourselves. That thing, whatever it is and whatever it causes us to believe about ourselves, isn’t true.

So there’s no need to fear it. It’s an opinion, a false assumption.

Once that is realized instead, the above list can be replaced with:

-you might feel powerless at times but you can control what you can control -you may have done “bad” things, but that doesn’t make you a bad person -there are times in life where we miss the mark and fall short in some way and feel inadequate, but we can accept ourselves despite our shortcomings, as we are on the path towards self-improvement

If perfectionism is about meeting all conditions, and those conditions are tied to our self-worth, then we can let go of the need to be perfect because our self-worth is nonnegotiable and from that perspective, we already are perfect. Perfectly imperfect.