Insert into shirt seams to create instant protection - ideal should you find yourself caught in a goal celebration pile-on or rugged Championship-level goalmouth scramble. Inflates instantly at the first point of contact with stomach of hulking centre-half or flailing goalkeeper. Includes full body option for penalty-taker engulfed by shoot-out celebration bundle.

Wipe-clean message board

Hidden beneath front of shirt, provides up-to-the-minute personal message facility for goal celebration moments. Enables instant tailoring of public support for fashionable charity, controversial political statement or birthday wishes to nephew. Includes high-pitched personal alarm alerting user to proximity of referee or linesman.

Heart monitor colour change stripes

Unique "giving-it-some" technology allows shirt chevrons to change colour according to how much running around you've been doing. A real crowd pleaser. You'll never need to show commitment by shouting at a team-mate, rolling down socks or sycophantically applauding the fans at full-time again. Never mind the ball, simply run around like a headless chicken, causing special "Up4it" patented chest strips to glow a fiery red, ensuring cult favourite status.

Flavoured badge

Why kiss anything else? Imagine being able to enrage the travelling support by provocatively nuzzling your club emblem - and at the same time enjoying the wonderful taste of elderflower, tropical fruits or lemongrass and coriander. You'll wonder why you ever bothered with that faint mixture of Lenor and bodily odour.

Menthol smear petri dish

Never ruin another shirt. Simply install this application dish at the nape of the neck: now you can enjoy the stench of Vicks all game without looking as if you've spilt a kebab down your front after falling asleep on the night bus.

SatNav replica colours

Are you a casual fan confused by whom you are meant to be following this season? The luxury SatNav shirt employs global positioning technology to morph the appropriate team colours on your shirt depending on where you are. Talking obnoxiously loudly on your phone while playing frisbee in a west London park? The blue of Chelsea will appear. Shopping in Bluewater? That'll be claret and blue. With optional Glasgow fine-tuning receiver to avoid those awkward green-and-white-hoops-in-the-wrong-pub moments.

Easily roll-up-able chuck-a-shirt

You know what it's like. The fourth official's got your number up on his board again. The crowd are on your back. You attempt to communicate disaffection with the coaching regime - only to find your disdainfully hurled shirt barely reaches the stony-faced head coach at the edge of his technical area. Why not make sure you always have the last word with our Velcro ties, easy-grip ridged plastic throwing handle and aerodynamic dart-flight attachment. You may not be fit to wear the shirt. But you can certainly chuck it a long way.

What Pompey will wear

Portsmouth's kit uses a skin-tight BaseLayer vest to control body temperature, keeping players warm in winter and cool in summer. The shirt and shorts include transcreen reflectors that reflect light so players can pick each other out quickly. David James's goalkeeping kit has strips of rubberised polymer on the chest to aid catching.