You know how you love your child but sometimes you want to murder it and frame the murder on your high school counselor because she didn’t accept your sexual advances? Me neither. You know how you love your child but sometimes you want to murder…

Sometimes a Hialeah joint needs to be reviewed, and considering no other place of note seems intent on doing it I’ll go ahead and take one for the team. Puerto Marino was like any variety show on Telemundo: Titties and singing. Puerto Marino was like…

Short of drilling a hole through the wall at the boy’s locker room to gain viewing access to the girl’s locker room in any ’80s teen movie, Segafredo on Lincoln Road is the best way to score voyeur boners on South Beach. …Segafredo on Lincoln…

I’ll be the first one to resolutely state that South Africa has made up for apartheid by giving us the lady who runs NeMesis. I just spaced on her name and I don’t feel like taking the four seconds to look it up. That’s valuable…

Like Celia Cruz said, “azucar!” She doesn’t say that anymore, unfortunately, because she’s dead. Do you remember where you were and what you were doing when you found out she died? No? But you remember 9/11, you inconsiderate asshole. Even though this place is like…

Wynwood Kitchen and Bar should be renamed Wynwood Kitsch Bar. I’m just fucking around, it’s not that bad. I mean, don’t get me wrong, it’s not great, but it’s not evil. Let’s just say I wouldn’t choose to go there if the decision were left…

With its Leprechauny name and Brickell’s apparent love affair with Irish pubs, I was sure this was an Irish pub for alcoholic bankers. I just figured, hey, so it’s a bar with valet parking, we do it big in Miami. But no, this place is…

If you wanted to carb up and store some calories late on a Saturday night after a night out in Brickell because you’re about to nail someone who looks way better now than they did earlier in the night, you have very few options, but…

Piola kinda sounds like “pee hole.” But with that “A” at the end it’s kinda like how an annoying middle school kid would say it. Back in middle school those kids would end everything with an “A” that sounded like “uh”. Stop became “stooooop-uh.” Man…

Considering I’ve never actually been here, this is an extremely unfair review. Luckily, I don’t give a shit, because it was their choice to open a restaurant where they hellishly mix together sushi and ceviche. …Skittles and diarrhea, sorority girls and menopause, or sushi and…