Bruce Jenner confesses he’s immortal

Saying he makes every effort to appear older to avoid arousing suspicion, the former U.S. Olympian and reality television star Bruce Jenner has finally admitted he is immortal. He was forced to make the confession after a photographer caught him in a Malibu, California nightclub restroom taking off his skin.

“On my planet, we only get older if we want to, so most inhabitants choose to remain young and witness the birth and the death of the universe,” Jenner said. “I’ve always struggled with the question of aging, a quandary not to be taken lightly.”

“On the one hand, it’s very difficult to live among mortals, as they tend to get all nosy about why you never defecate, or how you’ve managed to learn so much about particle physics even though you’ve never opened a book.”

“But on the other hand, I want to stick around to witness the evolution of television, and I’m dying to know if humans will be able to have entire episodes — or even whole seasons — fed to them with some sort of neuro-optical filament that enters the brain via the nose,” he said.

“Also, it would be interesting to watch the Pacific Ocean boil away after the corona of the sun expands to hundreds of times its current size,” he added.

A source from the network E! said executives are considering giving Jenner a new reality series, enticing him with a 500-year contract and the promise to bar any descendents of the Kardashian family from entering the set.