59TH STREET - Michael Kane CC ‘20 has had enough. After spilling his lentil soup all over himself after some asshole bumped into him in Ferris, Kane courageously took it upon himself to call it quits on this whole college business.

“Yeah that’s it,” Kane said, his shirt still a little sticky. “I can’t thrive in a place where they don’t even have trays in the cafeteria.”

Last seen playing the pan flute in the Columbus Circle subway station, Kane did not seem to regret his decision: “This is my life now,” Michael said. “I don’t need your pity. But I do need you to buy this pan flute CD for $5.”

“Exposing Westchester’s kids to this kind of disease is nothing short of morally repugnant,” said local activist group FreeEdu. “If you want to do justice to teaching America’s colonial past, you should be giving them smallpox instead.”