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Monday, March 13, 2017

Hopefully Helpful Answers

1) Will I ever be able to eat a salad without getting salad in my hair? Probably not, but you keep trying. You never know.
That’s the spirit! And if the salad is gonna be hair bound anyway, you may want to go for a whole Giuseppe Arcimboldo look. Ya know?

2) Why won’t I learn how to use goddamn Scrivener and work on my stupid book idea?
Scrivner – I only just heard about this. Looks cool but, Bast knows, there’s a mondo gulf between owning helpful software and using it. Me and Ava are a brill example of that. And don't call that book idea stupid!

3) Wonder what Adam Ant is doing right this second?
Dunno but I would LOVE to be in some dark bar dancing to Goody Two Shoes right now.

5) If someone at work asks me what I made for dinner last night and I say “chicken kiev” am I obligated to disclose that the chicken kiev was prepackaged grocery store brand chicken kiev? I did have to bake it, so there’s that.
NO, abso-fucking-lutely not! My steel clad rule is this – if I have to open a package (and this includes take-out from Bistro Chi), this means I cooked!

6) If I could time travel, would I use it for reasons other than stopping myself from burning my forehead all those times with a curling iron?

I think that’d be unwise. That is, stopping anything more momentous than curling iron burns could result in worldwide catastrophe. We could all be lizard people living on Mars right now if you did anything else (like stop Trump from being born). Oh wait, I could so rock a suit of scales AND I hear tell it’s warm and sunny on Mars today. Yeah babe, go for it!

7) Should I be afraid of the increase in the number of times a certain word escapes me? Honestly, that isn’t as troubling as the number of times I am asking myself “Did I take a shower already? I showered, right?”
Damn, I’ve got this same question (not the shower part – I know I showered today).

8) Why did anyone think purple ketchup was a good idea?
Dunno but it’s a nice color….on jelly.

9) Shouldn’t there be an international “Alan Rickman” day?
YES!

10) Do I have an outfit to wear to work tomorrow?
What is this thing you call “outfit.” Does it include more than yoga pants and a Tshirt?

11) Do I think it’s a good idea to put that outfit thing off until 5 minutes before I have to walk out the door?
Dunno ‘bout you but that sounds like sound planning to me.

12) Do I even remember what my dreams are? Not the scary green water dream. Dreams about what I want to be when I grow up.
I hope you can bring them to mind. I wanted to be a ballerina or an artist or something. I think I managed “something.”

13) Did I remember to clean out the litter box?
The cats will def tell you if you forget. 14a) Can I try to make it through work tomorrow without breaking out in flop sweat even once? 14b) Can I try to even think about work without flop sweat?
Yes. You will because you’re awesome!

15) Can I try to be a little more patient with the other humans tomorrow?
Too much effort. I’d save your energy for something more important….like dragon slayage and Buffy binge-watching.

16) Have I considered getting through one whole day without rolling my eyes? Although, I’m kind of afraid that will fuck with the tides.
TOO cool – I wanna see my tides surge from your eye rolls. Do it, do it, DO IT!

17) How many more years before I can just stop shaving my legs?
You over 50 yet? If so – fuck that fucking razor! Under 40? Again, fuck that fucking razor! Do what you want. Men grow beards and people think they’re sexy. My legs grow beards and I think their sexy!