Believe it or not, the swimsuit conundrum hasn’t been around since the dawn of time. In classical antiquity, swimming and bathing was done nude. There are Roman murals which show women playing sports and exercising, wearing two-piece suits covering the areas around their breasts and hips, but there is no evidence that they used any kind of clothing for swimming. All classical pictures of swimming show nude swimmers. Everyone cavorted happily. No one cared what they looked like, since mirrors hadn’t been invented yet.

At some point in time, the swimsuit industry was invented and all hell broke loose. This was soon followed by the invention of the mirror, the scale, the department store dressing room, and low carb muffins. Women have been ashamed of their bodies ever since. And the hunt has been on for the perfect swimsuit, or failing that, for a swimsuit that has the coverage of a ski suit.

Life in the Boomer Lane doesn’t understand what all the whining is about. She has absolutely no trouble finding a bathing suit that fits perfectly. She chooses one specific body part (right breast, left breast, belly, midriff, butt, back), usually on an annually rotating basis, and finds the suit that perfectly accommodates that one body part. The hell with the rest of the body parts. They are on their own. They just have to wait until it’s their year.

But, if one is determined to find that perfect swimsuit and if one reads the women’s magazines, especially the ones geared to women who are old enough to remember “How to Stuff A Wild Bikini,” one will most likely describe how vertical stripes, ruffles, Spandex, and reflective metal panels can be strategically placed along a garment the size of a place mat, so as to delude anyone into thinking that one hasn’t spent the last 10 years celebrating the annual Halloween through Easter Gorgefest.

Unfortunately, about the only thing one ends up with by adding stripes, ruffles, Spandex, and strategically placed reflective metal panels on one’s body is turning oneself into a pretty good approximation of a clown car crammed with too many passengers.

So, what’s to be done? Some of you will avoid bathing suit shopping by wearing street clothes to the beach. This can be successful only if the clothing is white and you have an ice cream cart with you.

This writer has considered all options and believes that the best solution is to only frequent nude beaches. After all, the nude beach was invented by a woman who got sick and tired of trying on stupid bathing suits. So, hit the nude beach. And don’t bring any mirrors along.

Wise counsel indeed. Having stumbled upon the nude section of the beach once many years ago, I can assure you that it’s where all the withered, gelatinous, hefty bodies go to roast. (For some reason the bodies beautiful seem to prefer to cluster in the bottoms-required areas.) In any case, makes you feel absolutely svelte.

I’m about to go bathing suit shopping for the first time in six years. I’ll let you know how it goes… I did write a while back that I was ready for the nude beach… we’ll see how the shopping goes first!

I bought shorts last year and loved them. I hate shopping for suits. I hate walking around feeling like I’m wearing underwear. I hate the necessary yard work. And I sure as hell am not going to a nude beach. I can’t take the cracks I see on a daily basis from ill-fitting pants!

Took my elderly mom on a cruise. Stopped at a Caribbean island w a nude beach. Didnt REALIZE it was a NB at first. Then, Mom and I couldn’t believe our good luck. Settled back to wait for eye candy. When a leathery old dangly man and then a double-dangly woman walked by, though, we couldn’t stop laughing. We still laugh about it.

Then Husband and I went to a couple resorts with a nude beach. Every 40+ person was on the nude beach and all the 20 and 30 somethings were on the clothed beach. I wrote a post about it, after one of our new. clothing optional friends ended up in a travel magazine.

I have the unfortunate body type that ONLY looks good in a bikini or two piece (long torso, short legs — a one-piece makes me look like a piece of taffy) … so I always have really, really tried to keep a flat stomach, minimum cellulite, blahblahblahblah. But now I’m almost 60. And I couldn’t give a crap. It’s all gone to hell… and so what? That’s what SARONGS are for. I’ve got ’em in a four colors and only take ’em off when I’m in the water… or lying down and can tuck my flab under me. LOVE your post, as usual… what part of you is getting to choose your suit this year???

Oh, swimsuit season never bothers me. Maybe it’s because I wear my bike shorts topped with my husband’s ratty old Homer Simpson t-shirt whenever I go swimming. It does double-duty: covers up the jiggles and wiggles and helps my pasty white skin not spontaneously combust in the sun.

Have you ever noticed that Michelle Duggar doesn’t ever seem to do anything? The older girls cook, clean, and take care of the kids. All Michelle does is sit with whatever is the latest baby on her lap and smile a lot and say things like, “Praise the Lord, Jim Bob, but you do use a heckuva ton of hair spray!”

Ladies, don’t do it. It will only depress you. My solution, after I saw myself in florescent fitting-room lighting,( which magnifies every lump and bump), was to wear a one piece with cute little shorts. About those fitting rooms…good thing nothing is sharper than a hanger or I might have commit hari kari right then and there. Then, once you’ve got your get-up, practice walking backwards down to the water. Just look like you’ve forgotten something and are turning around to go back to your chair to get it and meanwhile you’re kind of moon-walking. This is easier than it sounds, really. Down here in Florida I see extremely HUGE women in bikini’s. I think we’ve reached the point of “hey, this- is- my- body-and- I -don’t- give- a- shit- if -you- like- it !” mentality, and I’m all for it. You go, sistah!

Thanks on your marvelous posting! I genuinely enjoyed reading it,
you might be a great author.I will always bookmark your blog
and will come back in the future. I want to encourage you to definitely continue your great writing,
have a nice day!

Today, I went to the beach with my kids. I found a sea shell and gave it to my
4 year old daughter and said “You can hear the ocean if you put this to your ear.”
She placed the shell to her ear and screamed. There was a hermit crab inside and it pinched her ear.
She never wants to go back! LoL I know this is entirely off
topic but I had to tell someone!

Have you ever thought about creating an ebook or guest authoring on other websites?
I have a blog based on the same subjects you discuss and would really like to have you share some stories/information.
I know my viewers would enjoy your work. If you’re even remotely interested, feel free to send me an e mail.

I don’t care anymore what folks think about me in any suit. I just get in the water and relax. I am too old to care,I am happy to be alive at 75 soon. Get over yourself, I tell other women my age, I was skinny the first 30 years of my life and thought I looked awful in two pieces. My husband loved me in that suit. He still loves me in my one piece, looking dumpy suit. It makes no difference at my age. I am free to me now.

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