The first letter of the alphabet, originally derived by Semites who adapted the Egyptian hieroglyphic symbol used for the ox. The Egyptians sued for copyright infringment and lost when the Semites proved the ox a prior creation.

Aaaack

An utterance upon running directly into a spider web first thing in the morning... and you don't know where the spider is.

Abbreviation

An inordinately long word in light of its meaning.

Abdicate

To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

Ability

That virtue which you are forced to use if your boss has no daughter.

What you have to get by on if you don't kiss-up to the boss.

Absent

The notation generally following your name in a class record.

Abstainer

A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.

Access Time

Usually large in computer sense, small or negative in defined sense.

Accidents

An ironically twisted word, because, while people cause most accidents, it is also true that accidents cause most people.

Accordion

A bagpipe with pleats

Accumulator

The part of a computer that compiles or accumulates numbers for use by the computer. You know... The Price Tag.

Acid

Better living through chemistry.

Action Figure

A doll given to boys by homophobic fathers.

Acute Alcoholic

An attractive drunk.

ADA

Something you need only know the name of to be an Expert in Computing. Useful in sentences like, "We had better develop an ADA awareness."

Adminisphere

The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

Admissions Office

Where they take you to get you to admit you've mooned the keynote speaker during "new student weekend."

Adolescence

The age between puberty and adultery.

Adult

A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

Dirty

Adult Film

A film viewed by people over 30 with a cast of 25-year-olds doing what 18-year-olds do, with a plot for a 6-year-old.

A series of strenuous exercises which help convert fats, sugars, and starches into aches, pains, and cramps.

Afterbirth

When the hard part begins.

Agile

A method of software development where you deliver the product to the customer before writing it.

Aibohphobia

The fear of palindromes.

Air Compressor

A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty suspension bolts last tightened 40 years ago by someone in Abingdon,Oxfordshire, and rounds them off.

Air Traffic Control

A game played by airline pilots and air traffic controllers. The game has no rules, and neither side knows how it is played, but the goal is to prevent flights from arriving in time for passengers to make connecting flights.

Airhead

What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.

Airplane

What mom impersonates to get a 1-year-old to eat strained beets.

Alarm Clock

An artificial chicken.

Alcohol

A colorless volatile liquid which can be used as an industrial solvent, or blended with Collins Mix to make a nice drink.

Alcoholic

A person you don't like who drinks as much as you do.

Algorithm

The Vice President of the United States of America attempting to sing doo-wop.

Alien

What mom would suspect had invaded her house if she spotted a child-sized creature cleaning up after itself.

Alimentary Canal

The passage through the human body from which President Reagan's "trickle down" therory of economics was based.

Alimony

The high cost of leaving.

All

(Southern) A petroleum-based lubricant.

Allege

A high rock shelf.

Alp

One of a number of ski mountains in Europe. Also a shouted request for assistance made by a European skier on a U.S. mountain. An appropriate reply: "What Zermatter?"

Alpha

Alpha is the first letter in the Greek alphabet. In ancient Greece, Alpha was used to refer to things that didn't meet specifications, such as a Parthenon that fell on someone's head. The first "test" version of a piece of computer software is referred to as an Alpha release. It should never be loaded into your computer's memory. However, you can have endless hours of fun loading it into the computer of the guy who sits next to you.

Alpha Geek

The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. "Ask Larry, he's the alpha geek around here."

Altos

Not to be confused with "Tom's toes," "Bubba's toes" or "Dori-toes"

Ambiguity

The lack of clarity in speech.

The language of politics and statesmanship.

Ambulance

A vehicle used to show Lawyers where the accident is.

Amen

The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.

Ammo Truck

A U.S.P.S. delivery vehicle.

Amnesia

The condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.

Amniocentesis

Seedling needling.

Anal

If you know what it means ... you are!

Anal Probe

Another thing you shouldn't share.

Anatomy

One of those classes that sounds vaguely risque until you find out what it REALLY involves.

Anesthetic

The painkiller that crazy women refuse during labor.

Angels

God's little bitches.

Antibody

Against everyone.

Antiquities

Old, broke-down, and rusty.

Anus

Adolf Hitler's middle name.

Any Key

The key that makes the computer program continue.

Apocalipstick

What your wife found on your shirt collar just before she kicked you out of the house.

Apocryphal

A statement or story which is widely ciculated, believed to be true, but probably isn't. This includes the collective works of Dick Chenney, Michael Moore, and that loser sitting next to you at the bar. See also most of the information the government tells you.

Appendix

Proof that Intelligent Design is untrue, or that God is a poor designer.

Apple

Nutricious lunchtime dessert which children will trade for cupcakes.

Aquapella

To sing in the shower.

Arachnoleptic Fit

The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

Argument

A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.

Arpeggio

"Ain't he that storybook kid with the big nose that grows?"

Arson

Our daughters brother.

Art

A creative work which inspires an emotional reaction. This guy's reaction is, "Who bought this shit?"

Artery

The study of fine paintings.

Artificial Insemination

Copulation without representation.

Artificial Intelligence (AI)

The goal of building a computer to think and learn like a human being. The trouble with AI is that human beings are really stupid!

Artist

What a television director thinks he is.

Asphalt

Rectal Trouble

When your butt slips off a chair.

Aspiration

Butt Sweat

Assembly Language

Put tab A into slot B, then put tab C...

Assmosis

The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

Assumed Decimal Point

Located two positions to the right of a programmer's current salary in estimating his own worth.

Athletic Scholorship

Indentured Servitude.

Attraction

The act of associating horniness with a particular person.

Auditor

A person who goes in after the war is lost to bayonet the wounded.

Australian

Aboriginal for "convict invaders".

Author

A person who is usually write.

A writer with connections in the publishing industry.

Auto Erotic

Lusting after a Corvette.

Autobiography

A history of cars.

Automated

A couple making love in a car.

Automobile

A payment plan on wheels.

Avalanche

A mountain getting its rocks off.

One of the few actual perils skiers face that needlessly frighten timid individuals away from the sport. See also: Blizzard, Fracture, Frostbite, Hypothermia, Lift Collapse.