Tag Archives: USA

An exasperated head of the UN has ordered Donald Trump and Kim Jong-un to get their todgers out and have them measured at the same temperature, under laboratory conditions.

“We’ve had enough of them using metaphors, like the size of their hands or their nuclear weapons strength for the size of their schlongs” said UN Secretary General, António Guterres, “so now’s the time to see if either of them can match eight half-crowns.”

In the biggest shock yet to the 2016 Presidential race, an unidentified woman has come forward claiming not to have been ever groped or inappropriately touched by Republican candidate Donald Trump.

Masie Renfrew, 48, a dental hygienist from Brooklyn, claimed to sceptical journalists that she shared an elevator with Trump in 1986 without being molested by the bewigged octopus.

“He just sort of stood there looking at me out of the corner of his eye,” explained Renfrew. “He seemed to twitch slightly, but that could just have been the wig blowing in the air con. Then I got out, and he hadn’t done anything, I was shocked.”

Various tests have been run at CERN and lots of scientists have been writing long equations on multiple backboards, working at the very edge of reality.

“Of course we already know that Donald Trump does not exist in the normal sense of the word,” said the Professor, “but that alone may not stop him becoming President. The current hypothesis is that he is somehow the product of the collective American Mind.”

“But we’re not quite sure yet whether to describe him as a figment of the imagination or a pigment of the imagination.” Continue reading →

Obama’s removal of the Churchill bust from the Oval Office confirmed, as Boris Johnson pointed out in his article for The Sun newspaper, that he carries the anti-Brit gene inherited from his Kenyan side, but a new report suggests that this is just the latest in a long line of US Presidents unable to think or act rationally due to dodgy DNA.

The damning report slammed several post-war US presidents, and if speculations are to be believed, what they could have done to the Churchill statue behind closed doors makes what Obama did look pale by comparison.

Dwight Eisenhower – or to give his surname its proper spelling ‘Eisenhauer’ – was of course part German, a country with whom Britain has seldom been allies. Therefore, the report claims, he almost definitely carried the anti-UK mutation, even if he was not aware of it. Despite their good relationship in real life, some suggest that in private, Eisenhower could have made fun of our nation’s greatest leader by making the statue eat sauerkraut or sausages with mustard on.

Fast forward to the sixties and we find part-Irish John F. Kennedy in the Whitehouse. The report points out that the Irish ancestral hatred of Britain is second-to-none, and it is thought that while praising Churchill in public, it is most likely Kennedy allowed his many mistresses to give him oral sex in full view of Britain’s war-time PM’s disapproving statue eyes.

Another part-Irish chief executive, Bill Clinton, is likely to have done even worse, maybe full sex, or anal, and Clinton’s now-infamous ‘cigar incident’ could well have been a direct mocking reference to Churchill’s fondness for smoking them in his tight-lipped yet moist, yielding mouth.

“That’s exactly what Donald Trump meant, that thing you just said. He agrees with you.” explained a Trump spokesman today, following controversial remarks the presidential hopeful made yesterday.

Meanwhile, Mr Trump was already addressing a fresh crowd of morons “I’m on your side, but nobody else is saying it! I’ve always been saying it. Maybe they’re too scared to say it. I’m not scared of that Washington crowd. I’ll say it as much as I like, because you know what? It’s the truth”.

“Whose side am I on?” he asked, cupping his ears to the crowd “Yeah, you bet, YOUR side.”I’m on your side all the way Continue reading →

Tensions in the Middle East have risen further today after it emerged that Iran has blocked Saudi Arabia on Facebook.

The move is the latest, and most serious, in the current diplomatic row between the two nations and follows Saudi Arabia cutting diplomatic ties with Iran after protesters ransacked the Saudi embassy in Tehran, after Saudi Arabia executed a senior Shia Muslim cleric. Continue reading →

Christmas looks set to come but not at all to the United States this year as Father Christmas’ visa has been sensationally revoked and missile batteries in Alaska placed on Reindeer In The Sky Alert: Level One.

A spokesperson for the US Department of Homeland Security said that in these tense times their reaction was perfectly justified. “What we’ve got here is a foreign man with a big beard travelling with a huge sack full of who knows what. If that ain’t a threat to the US then we don’t know what is.” Continue reading →

Grateful Syrians have spoken of their relief that so many friendly bombs are now blasting them towards peace.

“A few weeks ago, Assad was bombing us from the air and ISIL was shooting us on the ground”, said local resident Haja Zanubiya.

“But now it is the Russians and Americans bombing us, and the Iranians cutting us down with their bullets. It’s such a blessed relief, I’m not sure who to thank first.”

Zanubiya described how her husband, two of her children and most of the local neighbourhood were liberated yesterday by a laser-guided missile that freed a school and most of the nearby bakery.Continue reading →

It’s hard to tell, Chief. In black and white they don’t all look the same

After dozens of people including the President were shot, Selma’s Police Chief, Pete Garbut, explained his tough stance on this weekend’s civil rights march re-enactment.

“Give an inch and they’ll take a mile. You’re too young to remember this, but black protesters have marched across this bridge once before and last time it all ended in tears … yes OK, that may have been the riot gas.”

This won’t calm anyone down after a tough day. It tastes like arse and not in a good way.

The globe is set to be stricken with an increase in drone attacks and attempts at bringing democracy to places now that decent chocolate has been taken off the shelves across the United States.

“I’m already feeling a lot more tense,” said US Secretary of State, John Kerry. “Without a Freddo to get me through my afternoon slump I’m much more quick-tempered and prone to making mistakes at work. And in my job if I mess up I’m taking you all down with me.” Continue reading →

It’s been happening since 1776 and has made outstanding contributions to global culture like Phyllis Diller, the chocolate chip pancake covered pork sausage on a stick (no, really) and the maine coon cat but now in the face of a non-specific threat from some unidentified hackers the USA has decided to cancel itself. Continue reading →

President Obama has denied ordering US Navy ships into the Persian Gulf for hostile reasons.

“Our ships, their thousands of armed personnel and countless drones and missiles, are not getting close to Iraq to start a conflict,” he told the American people in a televised address. “We are merely dolphin watching which is just lovely. Many other things are lovely including oil and massively lucrative reconstruction projects but they’re for another day. I pinky swear.” Continue reading →

Could it be the wildlife? We’d go miles to see a beast called Lord Derby’s scaly-tailed squirrel too.

A senior official at the US Department of Defense has confirmed that the USA is this week sending a detachment of special forces troops to oil-and-diamond rich Uganda which will also carry out missions in Central African Republic (diamonds, oil and uranium) DR Congo (oil, diamonds, cobalt, uranium and coltan) and South Sudan (oil, so much oil. It has oil like Game of Thrones has plot twists, like Minecraft has blocks, like your mum has sailors. South Sudan has a lot of oil is what we’re trying to say.).

David Cameron has flown to Beijing with a delegation of high achieving Brits to beg China to love the UK more than it loves the US. On his knees on the tarmac at Beijing Capital Airport the Prime Minister said “Britain will act as China’s strongest advocate in the West” before promising “dialogue of mutual respect and understanding” as well as a blind eye turned to all China’s abuses of human rights and the environment, and at least five more seasons of Downton Abbey.

“China should be our bestie not that of those across pond,” Cameron said. “What has the Untied States ever done for the world? We’ve given it the Cornish pasty, Fifty Shades of Grey and the tuning fork: no contest.” Continue reading →

There was disappointment amongst some Americans when it turned out that perpetrator of the latest mass-shooting in the US was in fact not a Muslim.

“I heard on the news that someone was firing shots in the Washington Navy Yard and instantly thought it was one of them Muslimists from the desert come to destroy the American way of life,” said Johnny T. Hapgood, who has lived all his life in Tennessee. “Then it turns out he was an American patriot who served in the US Navy Reserve and helped in the rescue efforts in New York on 9/11. It just don’t make no sense.” Continue reading →

NRA urged to fight back against protesters by arming security with pro-gun banners

Following another tragic shooting in America yesterday, the argument for stricter gun controls has resurfaced.

With many calling for the owning of guns by crazed maniacs to be made illegal, the Nation Rifle Association (NRA) has once again defended the right to bear arms and suggested an alternative idea.

“After the Sandy Hook tragedy we recommended the routine arming of teachers as a sensible solution to stop psychopaths killing at random, and some states even made the idea policy” said Wayne LaPierre, executive Vice President of the NRA.Continue reading →