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50 shades of….WTAF?

“I close my eyes, feeling the build up….pushing me higher, higher to the castle in the air” Castle in the air? CASTLE. IN. THE. AIR? I give up.
It’s pretty well known that the book does not get its popularity for its amazing prose.
You can keep googling for more examples or just trust me when I say this: as far as books go, this is well….a really shitty one.

So last night I watched the movie…..for research purposes of course.

Now I understand there may be some of you who are unfamiliar with 50 shades of grey and I envy you. If you’ve been in a drug enduced coma or lost in some remote area of Cambodia for the last year I’ve done a little synopses for you.

The leading lady in this “film” is Anastasia Steele, a young socially awkward ponytail donning, clumsy virgin who has no idea the potential she has. Until Christian Grey (a billionaire hotty) discovers her and sees her “potential” to be a smoking hot plaything. He falls for her. He must get her. And by “get” I mean “own”. So he buys her. Sort of.

He gifts her with tons of stuff. By stuff I don’t mean roses and heart shape chocolates on lollipop sticks. No. Cars and computers and shit. But Anastasia. Oh darling Anastasia she’s a smart independent woman so she keeps reminding herself that she will return these lavish offerings at some undisclosed time in the future. You see he isn’t really buying her its more like some weird vagina rental agreement. Anyways, she isn’t keeping the presents guys. Anastasia is an independent woman ya’ll. Finger snaps.

After all of this transactional exchange wooing there’s this part where Christian realizes that all he wants to do is tie her up and flog her with a louis vuitton whip so he pushes her away because he doesn’t want to hurt her. (Even though he does really, but only physically. ) So he just like looks after her and stuff. Like a weird overprotective brother.

Then comes the gripping moment where he just can’t any longer. He just has to be with her. He is aaaaaaaaching to release her…..so he gets his attorney to draft a NDA agreement for her to sign. Which she does. Romantic, I know.

So now they’re like together together.

But first our darling Christian needs to let her into his other world. You know, the one filled with latex and sex contraptions so he eases her in by showing her his “play room”. And by eease I mean tosses her off a 12 foot cliff. (Is 12 foot even high? *Googles : 12foot converted into metres.) You see Chrissy boy likes it rough. Really rough.

Oh wait, but there’s more. Twists at every corner. Gripping. Enthralling. Our little Anastasiatjie has her own little secret. In this 2 week intense love adventure she has somehow forgotten to mention that she’s a virgin. Gasp. But you see Christian actually really really likes her, like even more than I like Magnum ice creams so there’s no way he will allow the inconvenience of an unbroken hymen to stop them from their contractual agreement relationship filled with sexy fine print. So because he is a true gentleman, he takes care of business, and Anastasia has more orgasms than firework explosions on new years eve.

And then he offers her some more of these orgasm thingies but first……another contract.

At this point Ana starts thinking she may be seeing some red flags you know like everywhere. But guys its Christian. He has a helicopter. And abs.

Eventually she agrees and signs the agreement. UGH, SO ROMANTIC!

orgasm. orgasm. orgasm.

In-between all of this moaning we learn about Christians past. Amongst losing his mother who was actually an addict he was also seduced by his adoptive mothers friend at 15. Although Christian does not see her as a child molester more like a er….uhm…”special friend”

Anastasia is a bit taken aback, naturally. So she flies out to her mothers place. But Christian shows up like 5 minutes later because he CARES you guys not because he is a weird obsessive stalker or anything. Even though he is super messed up Ana stays because she loves him y’all. Its obviously still not about the helicopter and abs. Love ya’ll. True love.

They return to Christians place and do some more whipping and after Christian tries to embrace Ana, but she is DONE. Girl is PISSED. Then she does the whole ”I don’t think I can do this anymore.” thing and gives back his expensive gifts. Herewith ending her fore mentioned unwritten vagina rental agreement.

Then she leaves.

The end.

Good grief.
Breathe.

Ok lets get honest. Like really honest. This story only works because Christian is an ab cladded greek god. Oh and a billionaire. If he was an ugly dude who worked at a *lower paying job* and coaxed a cute girl into a “play room” full of sex contraptions in a basement we would all be disgusted. And there would be far less giggling.

It’s true and you know it.

But why are we all gobbling this crap up? If you read between all of the ooooohs and lip biting the truth is Christian Grey needs a therapist and Anastasia Steele needs some big fat hairy balls. This is really just a story about bullying. A rich man exerts his power, wealth and good looks to get his way.

To me I think it all boils down to one thing. All of us. Men or women. We all share in one great desire. To be known. To be wanted. We’re all waiting for someone who we think is valuable to look at us and think “I want you. And I’ll fight for you.”

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2 thoughts on “50 shades of….WTAF?”

Great comments! Though I think as with anything in life, it will get chalked up to a matter of opinion. A movie, much like a book is as much there for entertainment as it is for our relation to it. Each one of us will relate to it differently. No one is gobbling up anything, more than people are simply curious and perhaps some may even lack that level of excitement in their own lives & with that being said, saying that the movie/book is crap, then is a contradiction if you consider that it made you realise and think about what it all means.

Maybe I should of said : This attempt at trying to romanticize this as a raunchy “love story” is crap.
If people need sexual excitement they could watch porn?
All I am saying really is that the issue with this book/movie is not that it’s about BDSM, it’s that if we want to enter into that kind of thing with another human being, we should probably try to get there through mutual trust and relational intimacy.