Sunday, 10 February 2013

The Return Of The King (Of England)

Across
the internet and a wealth of jokes regarding Richard III have been dug and
freely spread about the internet, many of which have even cited source. Famous
for being the ancestor of Peter Cook in Blackadder Richard the
not-actually-deformed was the last Plantagenet monarch of England. The
Plantagenets have a rough ride in popular history, typically being represented
by John as the foil for whichever Robin Hood is currently doing the rounds. Or
for Richard the brave and bold fellow who once popped into England during his
reign for a change of armoured trousers before later sending a note to mortgage
everyone in order to secure his release from that popular Middle Age method of
income and awkward guests that was the hostage taking.

But these were proper English
monarchs we might be told, unlike the current lot who are German.

So where did it all go foreign?

Somewhere before the fall of this
article. I’ve already gone into the jolly pot of nationality that was Hastings
elsewhere, and there’s a lot to be had from the Houses of Wessex and Knytlinga who
before that took their turns every other week based upon who had the best beard
or was shagging the prettiest Scandinavian (tricky, because everyone from
Norway and Sweden are by law pretty).

So we know then that William took
the throne, killing anyone that said otherwise, including absolutely everyone
in the north (he was having a hard enough time understanding the language
anyway without Cheryl Cole appearing in Auf Wiedersehen Pet). William so-not
French he would have killed anyone for calling him a Frank - unless it was to
stick another crown on his head - still saw Stephen of Blois marry into the line,
marking the way then for Matilda (A Norman-Scot) to fight a jolly civil war
over who it was got to be the most English. Which at length saw the galloping
Plantagenets, who were also not French in that they owned, lost, and fought
over much of what is now France being Aquitonian. Aquitonia being neither
English nor French, but a pre-historical land roamed by Conan and usually bag-full
of snake cults. So the snake-cultists had a decent stab at things, despite
being lions, or Sean Connery, though Louis VIII of actual-France did rule a lot
of England for two years. Mostly what the Plantagenets had was John of Gaunt
who - despite being a third son also made a lot children through whom for a long
time everyone claimed the throne. York and Lancaster were Plantagenet Houses,
the last also a bomber, but not Bomber from Auf Wiedersehen Pet. They ended up
fighting over the throne, since England was really big on civil war as it was
closer than France, when they weren’t fighting France; which was always.

At last at Bosworth then Peter Cook
was killed quietly and buried under a car park. The House of Lancaster won,
though they were now the Tudors; who were Welsh.

We’re probably on more familiar
ground here.

Awful, terrible Henry VIII having
married his late brother’s Spanish wife then did so a few more times. Despite
this there was the Welsh-Spanish Mary, Edward who being pretty English was
sickly and died, and Elizabeth who looked nothing like Cate Blantchett despite
being a Boleyn (and therefore supposedly from a line of utter foxes). Though to
be fair Anne wished she were French, unlike her daughter Elizabeth who was an
orc and died without issue because at the time the regal English accent was
somewhere between Yosemite Sam and Bristol, like Bomber in Auf Widersehen Pet
(though he was a Brummie).

So the Stuarts took over, who were
Scots, until Cromwell decided otherwise after the English indulged once again
in a few of their favourite civil wars. Cromwell being English was also
of Welsh stock (who had had enough of the Scots ruling the English). When Cromwell
did everyone a favour by dying his son Tumbledown Dick managed a brief spurt
before the Stuarts came back after being French for a bit, and bringing some French
back with them in the shape of most of the inlaws. This lasted about as long as
it took for the Dutch to invade, overthrowing the Danish-Scots-French in
another civil war that lasted about as long as it took to take the bus from
Torbay.

Deciding that fighting the French
and having children was so very-last epoch that left Anne,a returned Stuart of Scotland (which no longer
counted as the English decided that Scotland was England anyway). She lasted
long enough to die without a proper heir and so the throne passed to Hanover,
in Saxony, because the Germans hadn’t had a punt yet. Bismarck not having yet
decided that Germany would be a united, single nation called Prussia this was
all well and good and so lots of Georges came and went until we came to
Victoria, who married Albert of Saxe-Coburg and Gotha, another Saxon, which would
have doubtless pissed off William the Conqueror who had killed so many Saxons,
especially the ones that were Danish.

Of course this all went swimmingly
for the Germans until Germany pissed off England by going to more-war with
France. The Prussians had already done this previously, but now they were Germany they
were very definitely overstepping the mark since England had called dibs on
fighting France.

So the monarchy changed their name
to Windsor. Which is probably apt since Anne Hyde (wife of James II) came from
Windsor and was about the closest to being English as had been seen since...
ever.

The only factual inaccuracy I can see is that Bomber from Auf Wiedesehen Pet was from Bristol, not Birmingham. Apart from that (important) detail this could be used by Michael Gove for his new-old History curriculum.

Ah, but the late wrestler Pat Roach, who played Bomber, was from Birmingham. That's why his AWP accent was from Mummerset by way of AD&D NPCs that distribute maps in inns. It also allowed Tim Spall (who is a South London boy) to do his comedy Brummie voice.

About Me

I write because as a fine author recently said, we have to. I write for work, each day - when I put in as best I can a working day for a narrative PBeM. That's been me for nearly fifteen years. I write an hour on other stuff for myself and typically just playing around - but like drawing, it relaxes me. And all this nowadays in bits, spits and biscuit crumbs what with the shining light of my better-half working and I then with the children around that. And I'm the better for it, even if work to be fair suffers a little for my refreshed sanity.
Now I also Blog because I've been told time and again that one needs a web presence, and I do this when the kids are down for the night and I in the next room wait to make sure.
And we love you.