For years, I kept my secret sins hidden until God busted them wide open in 2011. God used my public and private confessions to begin my healing and redemption. I learned that what happens behind closed doors at home, the church, the office, and everywhere else can "make or break us." God works in the Light (1 John 1:5)while evil thrives in darkness/secrecy (Ephesians 5:8-13). This is a blog about my journey.

Monday, January 27, 2014

Time doesn't always bring about change

Until my adultery was exposed
and God started doing work in me (and continues to), I had difficulty embracing
my brokenness. I didn’t like myself very much and had trouble accepting others’
brokenness. Anger, defensiveness, blame, bitterness, judgmental – these are
many of the words that described me. Not everyone saw those parts of me,
though. Many people thought I was actually “laid back” as a person. Ha! I had
them fooled!! I have not fully arrived
when it comes to embracing my brokenness, but I am much further along than I
used to be.

Here is a portion
of a blog post I wrote on July 31, 2013 pertaining to an embarrassing situation
I had through a speaking opportunity that triggered all sorts of insecurities
for me (prior to my fall out):

I have either felt
embarrassed, worked hard to avoid feeling embarrassed, or embarrassed others lots
of times in my 38+ years of life. I am not proud of that fact, and I hope I am
maturing in this area of my life. A few years ago I remember being asked to do
a break out session at a marriage and family therapy conference. This was
before all my junk came out. I was not looking forward to it. I was a nervous
wreck, and I felt completely inept and like a huge hypocrite. I was speaking on
a topic I didn't feel qualified to speak on.

Before, during, and after the session, I remember feeling completely
embarrassed and anxious and totally ashamed. Afterwards, I told myself I would
NEVER do that again! I wanted to sprint out of that room that day and never
look back. It was not a good feeling. I had similar feelings, for a much
different reason, when I had to publicly tell my church that I had been
unfaithful to my wife; huge shame and embarrassment, for me and her.

It was a pattern of thinking for me that consumed a huge part of my life. Even as early as a young child, I avoided trying new things that I
either felt no good at or seemed too difficult and would lead to failure. How
sad. That caused a lot of frustration and hindered me in so many areas of my
life. It was a mindset and personal belief system that limited me for years and
years. Instead of working through the insecurities, I drifted through life
trying to avoid all the triggers that caused my shame and inadequacies to
surface.

I didn’t feel like a good employee, so I struggled in my career. I
didn’t feel like a good husband, so my marriage struggled for years. I had many
days where I didn’t feel like a very good dad to my children, so I said and did
things that I now regret. I felt ashamed by money, so I struggled to build
wealth and live prosperously. I even struggled as a Christian. Do you see how
my negative philosophy was a pattern of thinking that kept me stuck? It’s very
annoying to reflect back on. It’s probably why I struggle at times to be around
people who struggle with those same/similar issues. It reminds me of who I used
to be and never want to be again! I am in recovery for “negativity and
pessimism” as well. Add it to the list.

Failure
and “holding back” can become (but doesn’t have to be) a life metaphor that
clouds every decision we make. Time doesn’t always make us change. If we keep
the same, limiting mindset, even 20 years later, our choices and circumstances will
not have changed much. Change starts to happen only when we “change between our
ears” (i.e. our thoughts, beliefs, and philosophy).

For some us like myself, it is a slow process that requires a daily filling of my mind with positive, transformational truth. Once I accepted this truth and fact, then I saw the importance of making my personal and spiritual growth a daily routine and "life line." It's not a burden; it's a privilege. As Zig Ziglar said, "You don't pay a high price for success. You get to enjoy the benefits of it." To me, if I will daily submit to Christ's leadership, daily learn to love Him with my whole heart and soul, and daily trust and obey Him, then that's success.

_________________________________________________ “Complaining
is not for the winners in life. You must
focus on what you can do, not what you cannot. And you must
focus on the opportunities not the difficulties. When you do this you will not
only inspire yourself but you will be an example for others to follow as well.”
Jim Rohn

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About Me

Our goal is to help married couples and/or families walk in the Light of Christ's love, freedom, truth, and experience healing and wholeness, "for better or worse." God's design for marriage and the family is best but is counter-culture and won't come without a fight. Ephesians 3:20 (NIV).