He Who Finds Mercy series

Friday, December 6, 2013

Fun Friday: Paradise Island

This is another "play" I wrote for a fairly large writing class after asking them to pick their favorite fictional character. You'll probably notice many of the girls were "into" Twilight. This was by far the most difficult "plot" to figure out! As with the others, feel free to use with your own classes....

Cast of Unlikely Characters

Captain Jack Sparrow

Sponge Bob Squarepants

Patrick the Starfish

Flower the Skunk

Sanka Coffie

Nacho Libre

Scarlett O’Hara

Melanie Wilkes

Holly Golightly

Alice Cullen

Bella Swan

Kip

Brom

Paul Blart

Buddy the Elf

Bob Wiley

Buddy Love/Julius Kelp

Professor Minerva McGonagall

Victoria (the vampire)

Scene:A deserted
island in the middle of the Bermuda Triangle.The Black Pearl has capsized in a storm, leaving Sparrow and his three
mates stranded on a beach.Enter
SPARROW, SPONGE BOB, PATRICK, and FLOWER.

SPARROW:Unless
there’s a hidden cache of rum somewhere on this island, we may be here a while,
lads.

SPONGE BOB:Oh,
tartar sauce.

FLOWER:Gee whiz.

PATRICK:Who wants
to look for food and shelter?

SPONGE BOB:I do!

FLOWER:Me, too!

SPARROW:Why don’t
you do that while I stretch out me legs and ponder our situation.Savvy?(Lays down and pulls hat over eyes.)

PATRICK:The inner
machinations of his mind are an enigma.

SPONGE BOB:Huh?Is that the same as crazy?

FLOWER:Well….yes.

(They exit)

SPARROW:(Singing)
Yo, ho, yo, ho, a pirate’s life for me….

(Enter SANKA and NACHO)

NACHO:Look,
Sanka.A dead guy. Does that mean I have to do dead guy duty?

SANKA:(Nudges
SPARROW with foot)Hey, mon, ya dead?

SPARROW:Go away.

SANKA:Rise and
shine!It’s butt-whippin’ time!

NACHO:Whose butt?

SPARROW:(Draws
pistol)Yours unless you intend to
rescue me.

SANKA:Why would
you want to be rescued from paradise?

(Enter SCARLETT, MELANIE, HOLLY, ALICE, and BELLA)

SPARROW:(Jumping
up)I see what you mean, lads.

SCARLETT:Great
balls of fire!Who are you and how did
you get here?

SPARROW:(Kissing
her hand)Hello, darling.

SCARLETT:(Pulls
hand away)Don’t bother me, and don’t
call me darling.

MELANIE:Scarlett,
dear, don’t be too hard on the gentleman.

SCARLETT:That,
Melanie, is no gentleman.

SPARROW:Peas in a
pod, darling.

HOLLY:You can
call me darling.(Holds out hand)

SPARROW:(Kissing
her hand)It’s wonderful to meet you.

HOLLY:Did I tell
you how divinely and utterly happy I am?

SCARLETT:Fiddle-dee-dee,
Holly.You’ve just met the scoundrel.

SPARROW:Scoundrel?I like the sound of
that.

MELANIE:Oh, I am
sure you’re not a scoundrel, Mr.---

SPARROW:Captain.Captain Jack Sparrow.

BELLA:He’s not
just a scoundrel, he’s a pirate.

MELANIE:Oh, my!

BELLA:I’m not
afraid of him.You shouldn’t be, either.

ALICE:(Stepping
closer to SPARROW)Mmmm.He does smell good.

SPARROW:I’m sure
you do too, love.(Reaching for her
hand)

ALICE:Oh, I
wouldn’t do that if I were you.

SPARROW:(To
Sanka)Well, my dread-locked friend, you
are correct in saying this is paradise.I wouldn’t mind being stranded here forever with these lovely
ladies.What is your name, governor?

SANKA:I am Sanka
Coffie.I am the best pushcart driver in
all of Jamaica!

SPARROW:So this
is Jamaica?

SANKA:No!

SCARLETT:And it’s
not Tara either.

HOLLY:Or
Tiffany’s.I’m just CRAZY about
Tiffany’s!

BELLA:We can’t
say there’s zero weirdness here.

ALICE:Shh!(Closing eyes)

BELLA:What is it?
What do you see?

ALICE:More
weirdness approaching.And her.

(Enter KIP, BROM, PAUL BLART, BUDDY, and BOB)

BOB:Baby steps to
the beach.I’m on the beach.

BUDDY:I passed
through the seven levels of the Candy Cane forest, through the sea of swirly,
twirly gum drops, and then I walked through those palm trees over there.

BROM:Well then,
perhaps I’ve underestimated you.

KIP:I can’t
possibly live without my computer.How
am I supposed to chat with babes?

PAUL:Peanut Blart
and jelly!There’s a whole herd of babes
standing right there!

NACHO:(To
SPARROW)Those guys are a bunch of
wussies, eh?

BUDDY:(Sniffing
at SANKA)You smell like beef and
cheese, you don’t smell like Santa.

SANKA:I am Sanka,
not Santa.

KIP:And I’m
training to be a cage fighter, in case you babes hadn’t noticed.(Flexes muscle)

HOLLY:You’re just
gruesome.

BUDDY:(To
HOLLY)I’m Buddy the Elf.What’s your favorite color?

HOLLY:Not reds or
blues.

MELANIE:Why not?

HOLLY:The blues
are because you’re getting fat and maybe it’s been raining too long.The mean reds are horrible.Suddenly you’re afraid and you don’t know
what you’re afraid of?Do you ever get
that feeling?