Do we have a duty to live up to our potential?

During my sophomore year in high school, Coach Stucker hounded me in gym every week to try out for the football team. “You’d make a great cornerback,” he’d say after seeing me run a 4.5, 40. At 5’10″ and 155 pounds, I felt undersized, but at least I could move and bench 225 pounds.

“I don’t care if you are only 5’10″ 155 pounds,” Coach argued as his 6’3″ frame stood over me. “You know who is the greatest cornerback in the NFL right now? Darrell Green. He’s 5’8″, maybe 5’9″, and 165 pounds dripping wet. I’ll work with you to build muscle and you’ll get as big and just as fast as Darrell in no time. We need you.”

Darrell Green played for the Redskins from 1983 to 2002 and was a 7X Pro Bowl selection and 2X Super Bowl champ. There was no denying Coach’s argument that I could play football. I just didn’t want to. I was constantly worried that I’d injure myself and it would put me out for the tennis season where I was team captain.

My rational mind kicked in:

Football is fun, but I don’t know the game well enough since I grew up overseas.

There’s no chance I would ever be good enough to get recruited by a Division I school, so why bother?

What if I get a concussion or break a bone? I’d rather play tennis and be pain-free all year.

Three hours of brutal practice after school is not my idea of fun.

In the end, I never played a down of organized football even though I LOVE the sport. Until this day I regret never having tried. Football is such a big part of Americana that it’s a shame never to have played a down, dived for that interception, or run back an errant throw for a touchdown! Maybe I would have been knocked on my butt, but I’ll never know now that I’m old and too slow to make a difference.

Should we live up to our potential?

Imagine being able to play a Mozart sonata on violin by the time you are 6 years old. What a shame it would be if your parents never pushed you to live up to your musical potential. Throughout high school and college, I’ve seen so many extraordinarily talented people never pursue their talents and end up being average just like the rest of us.

It seems like an inevitability that the bell curve kicks in to where we end up all the same. Even the delusional people who think they are more talented than they are get knocked back to Earth.

I’m pretty average in everything I do. For example, despite living overseas for 14 years in six different countries, I still can only speak Mandarin and English. My Spanish and Japanese are horrendous even though I spent seven years studying Spanish and two years living in Kobe. Although my income and wealth could be considered above average for my age, there’s nothing really special that went into it except for saving, investing and getting lucky here and there.

But we all have something we are good at that is not being maximized. The only thing I’m good at is never giving up. Even after publishing “Feeling Down and Out in This Perfect World,” a post that essentially said I’m burnt out, I haven’t quit writing three to four times a week and I’ve even begun to write a post or two a month for Get Rich Slowly.

Even after getting in serious trouble for being a prankster the summer after high school, I didn’t quit trying to get good grades in college so I could have a chance at employment. And even after the financial meltdown tore away 35 percent of my net worth, I decided to finally start Financial Samurai to try and make sense of chaos.

Unfortunately, I’ve reached a stage where I’m beginning to tire of never giving up, partly because most of the adversity is gone. It’s become very difficult to try harder because I’ve stopped craving for more. After food, clothing, shelter, hot water, a phone and some passive income enough to take care of a family of three, what’s the point of trying to keep trying so hard? My friends say I should start a family. Surely kids would recharge the empty motivation battery, no? But then why are there so many dead-beat parents?

A lack of adversity is why I crave doubters to keep me motivated. Doubters might think they are putting me down, but in reality, they are giving me much needed motivation. I feel alive when I’m challenged and ambivalent when I’m not. Does anybody else feel the same way?

Where is the sense of urgency?

I’m feeling like society is slowly lulling us into a numb state of complacency when we actually need the greatest sense of urgency ever. Just living in America is paradise enough compared with so many other unstable countries around the world. The wealth gap continues to widen due to those with capability not doing enough to help others, and many more who are conducting self-inflicting wounds to their finances.

I’ve interacted with a ton of 20-somethings recently on my travels overseas and I’m afraid for their future. Maybe I’m hanging out with the wrong people, but when so many are underemployed, not working on the careers they want, and still dependent on their parents after college, it’s cause for concern. How is an unemployed 27-year-old who has never held a stable job for longer than a year ever going to catch up with the 27-year-old who has been gainfully employed at the same firm every year since college? Unless there is a huge wealth transfer by inheritance, it seems as if our youth is stuck until older generations are willing to retire to make room.

Despite the concerns, I think back to how everyone has some special gift that is being underutilized. It’s scary to try to live up to our potential because we wonder about failure. What if we might try so hard only to realize we never were very talented in the first place? But I encourage everyone to identify one thing they are good at and do everything possible to make yourself great. Don’t regret never trying out for the football team like I did. Only until you’ve failed after trying your best will you be satisfied knowing your life can’t get much better than now.

Readers, do we have a responsibility to live up to our full potential? How many of us can really say we’ve pushed ourselves to the limits? How do we ensure our loved ones don’t waste their potential?

Maybe it’s my age or the fact that I’m a former teacher, but the “living up to your potential” and “make every moment count” make me roll my eyes I do think we all have certain gifts and we have a responsibility to use those gifts to help others and ourselves. But at the same time, life isn’t perfect and we aren’t perfect and there’s no way we can “live up to our potential” all the time, in every way possible.

I also think that “living up to your potential” is in the eye of the beholder. I’m well aware that society thinks I haven’t lived up to my potential because I haven’t been blessed with kids. (I have a uterus, after all.) Some of my profs think I haven’t lived up to my potential because I didn’t pursue a PhD. For every thing we make a priority, there are many other things that aren’t a priority. That’s life, isn’t it?

I don’t know that we have a duty to live up to our “full potential”, but I do think we (collectively) have a responsibility to help others who don’t have the same advantages that we do. You can’t force someone to work harder, but you can give people opportunities to help themselves.

“I don’t know that we have a duty to live up to our “full potential”, but I do think we (collectively) have a responsibility to help others who don’t have the same advantages that we do. You can’t force someone to work harder, but you can give people opportunities to help themselves.”

I really like that.

The thing is, we can’t replay our lives to figure out what could’ve happened differently. You could’ve been horribly injured in a football game, Sam. People who never had children could be infertile anyway. Maybe we were all better off with the choices we made. (Almost certainly not, but it’s not like we have a chance to try again, do we?)

This came up in the comments of another blog I was reading when Michael Sam came up. He may be taking a financial hit by coming out/coming out when he did (though opinions vary pretty widely on that score), but you’re also taking a hit by not living the way you want to. Stress can negatively affect your earning potential too, it’s just harder to quantify.

I agree with your last part especially. It’s up to folks who have the capability to do more to help others, and for those who want to get ahead to do more to help themselves. It’s got to be a concerted effort.

Count me as well in the “roll my eyes” camp. Not a critique of Sam here – rather at societal pressures that force false or unrealistic expectations on people (writing this on Valentines Day which adds many false pressures of its own.) I would place “living up to my potential” up there with the mythical “soul mate” – both suggest some grand plan specifically for you that you are not measuring up to …because the goals themselves are false goals.

Despite the fact that the title of this website is “get rich slowly” the main message here I think is not that we all need to be monetarily millionaires or billionaires. Being “rich” is about leading a full life, free from as much worry as possible, helping others when possible, stewarding the planet on which we live etc. I think the “rich” on this site is about a life lead rather than just money…however, attaining a certain amount of money for a base level of safety and security is certainly a goal.

Sam – it sounds like you are financially stable (passive income being a great indicator here), have had a rich life experience already that included the enrichment of foreign travel and in you text you exhibit a good degree of empathy for others. “Potential” is not a finite measurable thing…life is not so planned out for us (more religious folks here may feel differently) – if you are always chasing an elusive goal of some unwritten “potential” you will never attain it as the virtual goal post will always be moving forward.

A full, stable, contented life…a “rich” life is one that on balance leaves the world (the land, animals, people) even slightly better off than before you arrived. THAT is indeed potential fulfilled in my opinion.

1. Very very few people ever live up to their full potential. Everybody has roadblocks. I will never forget the day that my dad, after giving me a rah-rah speech about always trying my best (I think I was failing college Russian at the time), stopped himself short and said, “You know what? That’s bull. No one ever tries their best *all the time.* Dwight Eisenhower didn’t try his best *all the time,* every minute of the day. It’s impossible. So just do the best you can with what you have.”

2. That said, in my experience, setting goals is extremely important, and making sure that at least some of those goals are at least a little bit of a stretch is equally important. I might not try my absolute best at work, every day of my life, but setting goals has enabled me to build the kind of career I never thought someone like me would have. (And I do this in a pretty disorganized way; my list is in my head and is constantly being tinkered with and revised.)

One can always do more. Most of my career has been spent in DC, where high achievers are a dime a dozen, and it becomes clear pretty quickly which people are high-achieving because their field really means something to them, and which people are just trying to collect as many brass rings as they can. The first group is amazing and literally changes the world on a regular basis. The second group… No one likes them much.

As an ex-teacher myself, I remember going on a field trip with my hispanic students. As we passed the meat packing plant, the boys punched each other and pointed, self acknowledging their futures. How sad. I truly loved these students, yet culturally they could not overcome the fact that they felt this was their destiny.
Beth, I am a 5’11″ woman. The students used to tell me I needed to have 5 sons so the school could have a good basketball team. I never did have children, so I guess I failed, too.

I would definitely put a getrichslowly spin on this and ask if people’s portfolios were living up to their true potential.

To me, true potential insinuates that we are all put on this earth for specific purposes and as we grow, socialize, and integrate into our society and culture, our conditions either enhance or hamper what we really could be. However, each day we all do the best we can with the tools we have.

I too am weary about the “living up to your potential” ideology. Life has a way of balancing out and usually when someone is busy living up to their potential in a certain area, other areas suffer for it.

I think as long as you are the type of person that always tries to learn, that is sufficient and you will naturally move towards a better version of yourself without having to forceably push towards some invisible goal. Besides, as Beth stated above, everyone will have their own opinion of if what you’re doing is truly your full potential.

When you start pushing yourself to do things just because others say you can, or because you don’t want to leave anything on the table, or will feel like a failure if you don’t….and that’s your only motivation, and not because you enjoy it, or it will bring positivity and usefullness to your life, then you are in big trouble. Doing for the sake of doing is ingenuine and you could be setting yourself up to miss out on something you can genuinely flourish in.

Also, when people talk about potential it can be biased as they tend to attach the word to their perception of the importance of the act, and not to you or your specific talents. If I became a lawyer like my mom always wanted me to be, even if I were a sucky one, she would see that as reaching my potential. When I announced that I would be leaving an OK corporate career to become an animal keeper at a zoo I actually got accused (mostly by my sister) as “wasting my brain”. Nevermind that many keepers have a science degree but anywhoooo. In their minds, one was above the other and it didn’t matter if I had the drive and desire to excel in my desired field, even if I had been a mediocre lawyer that would have ranked higher for use of my potential.

Only you can decide what your full potential is and where it lies. I would be cautious about listening to those who try to encourage you away from something that you’re already actively pursuing.

Reminds me of a favorite quote, “In the end people will judge you anyway. Don’t live your life impressing others, live your life impressing yourself.”

If being a zookeeper makes you happy and excited to go to work you are probably ahead of 99% of the people that would try and knock you down over that decision.

PS – my rationale for staying in my OK corporate job is that it allows for me to have balance and do all the things I love and enjoy (outside of the amazing, exciting, rockstar lifestyle that insurance is 40 hours a week). To me, its a fair tradeoff. Whether it is the correct tradeoff isn’t for anyone else but this guy to decide.

Thank you Heather, that’s kind I actually have thought about it, at least as a way just to get my thoughts and ideas down in a journal type format. I think everyone could benefit from doing something like that and that’s why there’s so many blogs.

There’s something so therapeutic about writing, and for me it’s motivating to see written goals. So far my main medium has been scribbled sticky notes (though I’ve recently upgraded to a white board).

Probably not much. But when I went on my trips to India and China we were able to help it in our own small ways.

Are you a frequent visitor to Bangladesh and Asia? I’d love to hear more as I’ve been going back every year for 30 years. Love to meet more Americans who’ve traveled to Asia. They are somewhat hard to find.

Keep up the positive attitude!

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El Nerdosays:

13 February 2014 at 4:54 pm

One time I didn’t want to eat the crust of some pizzas they fed us at some work thing, and a friend tried to pull that “children are starving [somewhere]” trip on me.

I told her if she’d just give me an address I’d gladly mail my uneaten crusts to those children.

Hi Sam
I agree with you – we have a duty to live up to our fullest potential. I am thirty years old and have wanted to write for a long time. It is only in the last two months that I started writing my blog financesunplugged.blogspot.com. It gives me immense pleasure that I am doing something I have wanted to do. I have a full time job and try to write two articles a week.
Writing can be both tiring and satisfying. I am sure you already know that.
I have lived in two countries – India and U.S.A. I have enjoyed my stay in both immensely. I speak three languages English, Hindi, Tamil and am currently trying to learn a fourth language – Kannada. Learning a new language has made me discover things about my own self ! I enjoyed this article.

There will probably always be someone who thinks you didn’t live up to your full potential. Since I didn’t pursue a career in academia and devote my life to the minutia of history, I’m sure my advisor thinks I fell short in some way. Since I’m a mostly stay at home mom at the moment, I’m sure many people think I am squandering my education or my finances.

But I’ve learned to embrace what some might consider mediocrity. Always trying to improve yourself in certain arbitrary, success-based ways is not only exhausting; it is a tyranny of its own. There’s a certain notch board mentality that I rebel against. It can be insidious in how people think. There will always be another language to learn, another instrument to practice, etc. If it is done for true enjoyment, fine, but if it’s done out of a misplaced notion that we need to be productive and improving ourselves all the time, I call bullocks.

At the ripe, ole age of 36, I have shifted my thinking quite a bit. I rather ask, “am I a more patient or kind person this year?” “Have I started to overcome that annoying habit of mine to always need to be right?” These are the nuts and bolts of life, the things that will ultimately enrich your life by enabling you develop deep and rewarding relationships with others – not whether or not you can sing perfectly or beat your friends at basketball or outperform others in the stock market.

And, Sam, you know one thing that has shifted my thinking dramatically? It’s having children. I don’t recommend it for everyone, but I was just thinking the other day that having and raising children is a remarkable antidote to cynicism. This is at least how it has been in my life. I have always been a half empty kind of gal, but I notice this changing. But that might also have to do with being married to an optimistic spouse who challenges my thinking.

I think this is a slippery slope to go down. If you spend your whole life living up to others’ expectations, you’ll ignore your own goals and aspirations.

There are many people in my life who think I’ve disappointed them by not finishing my PhD and bringing them (parents, professors, advisers, etc) more bragging rights. But I was miserable. I hated it. I left and am not only happier, but healthier and wealthier as well.

As long as your “underachievement” isn’t hurting anyone else, I think it’s no one’s business what you want to do with your life.

“Unless there is a huge wealth transfer by inheritance, it seems as if our youth is stuck until older generations are willing to retire to make room.”

I believe this is a multifaceted issue with several factors in play – one of them being student loans. One huge reasons people are still not so independent. There’s quite a few people not able to keep up with payments or are moving back in with their parents to save money.

Wages just aren’t the same as they used to be also – things just haven’t kept up with inflation for a twenty something. One reason is that the job market is saturated with thousands of people with a four-year college degree. With so many people competing for jobs employers can hire whomever they like because someone will take the job. It also allows them to keep wages low because they have the upper hand. So having a four-year college degree isn’t all it’s cracked up to be anymore (depending on your major).

These are just a couple of reasons but I’m sure I could get into a few others…

This sounds like a first world problem. Living up to your true potential – what does that even mean? Everyone is unique, so the manifestation of them living up to their true potential should yeild people doing all sorts of different things to the best of their ability. This does NOT imply that everyone will rise to stardom and have a lasting legacy for their efforts, it just means they work hard at what they need to do to get their particular work done.
I think in America we implicitly connect “living up to your full potential” with Fame, Wealth, Legacy, Great achievements – but that’s just not true. Not everyone will reach those dizzying heights no matter how hard they try.
I suspect there’s a lot of philosophical discussion potential for this topic, but I don’t have the bandwidth to delve into the subject properly. Someone else can live up to that!

I agree with many of the comments that “living up to our potential” can open up a giant, ugly can of worms.

Honestly, FOOTBALL? I think you made a good decision. You thought it through, you had cogent reasons for not playing, and you didn’t. People do get hurt. It would have taken time that you devoted to other things. It might have been good, but it doesn’t sound like skipping football damaged your life in any way.

I have a PhD in engineering and elected to work full time for 2 years, then drop down to very part time and devote myself to raising a family with my husband. I’m pregnant with our 9th child now (I know, gasp, wheeze, we’re nuts…I know.) I suppose some people might think I am “wasting my potential” but we decided that for US, having a large family and homeschooling them was the right path. I don’t need bragging rights, I don’t need brass rings. Other people make different choices and that is one of the delights of living in a world with a myriad of people and personalities and interests.

I’ve actually thought about this a lot. Think of Gabby Douglas, who won the gold medal in gymnastics a couple of years ago. I read her biography and her single mom worked 2 full time jobs to pay for gymnastics. Her siblings were deprived of some things THEY wanted to do so Gabby’s gymnastics training could be paid for. Gabby moved away from her family in her mid teens to pursue more gymnastics. That was a choice they made…but I wonder how many other kids out there have worked just as hard, and parents have sacrificed just as much, and the kids never did make the world stage. Is it worth it for them? Well, I don’t know. Gabby and her family seem close, but a single mom with 2 full time jobs couldn’t possibly have as much time with her children as I’m able to have with my kids. I’m not judging at all, I’m just saying — every time you say YES to an opportunity, you have to say no to something else — even if something else is sitting on the sofa at night with your kids watching Veggietales. It is all about priorities and I love it when people think through priorities, but let’s not say the culture’s view of a valuable life is the one that is best for our individual families.

From early on, I showed some talent with music. I went to a special arts high school. Turns out in the classical world, I’m really just average or just slightly better than. Out of all my friends and acquaintances at that school, I know of only three people who actually went on to work in music and I think only one is really on the way to “making it” in opera.

And you know what? I’m good at a whole bunch of other things too. I made my career in one and pursue several others as hobbies and potential “encore” careers and I still enjoy playing music. In fact, I get more enjoyment out of it now than I did when I practiced 6 or so hours a day.

I agree with many post. I studied interior design and architecture in college and after college, I went to work for a small firm only to quit 9 months later to start raising a family. I stayed home for 6 years while the children were small and then went back to work but not in the design industry but working at an insurance company. I still love design and has become more of a hobby but the work hours would have taken me away from my family.

I don’t regret at all that I chose a 8-4 job over the odd design job hours I would have endured. I love my children and living to my full potential would have taken me away from them.

“The wealth gap continues to widen due to those with capability not doing enough”.

Really? Is this why the wealth gap is widening? Most people work their butts off and this would have no bearing on the wealth gap. It’s far beyond the average person’s influence. I can work harder to earn more, but I’ll never keep up with the high income folks whose ever-increasing salary widens the gap.

I don’t owe anyone anything. If my potential is to be a genius at agricultural genetics but it is personally abhorrent to me and I choose to be a basket weaver instead, well, it’s my choice as long as I’m not asking anyone else to support that choice.

I think the income gap is a different conversation

I have no problem with ANYONE failing to meet their potential. I have a problem with those who are able to take care of themselves and their families failing to do so and expecting the government or the world to pick up the slack simply because they don’t want to do the hard work.

Thank you for the clarification. However, the wealth gap is so huge that I don’t think it can be solved by rich people donating money or starting a finance blog.

(Even though that oft-cited quote about six Waltons being worth more than 30% of Americans is a perfect example of how to lie with statistics. Tried to link to a Forbes article debunking that, but the link wouldn’t work.)

The help has to start from somewhere, so it might as well start with us.

What is the solution you suggest beyond education, donation of time, donation of money, and discussion?

thx

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Ramblin' Ma'amsays:

13 February 2014 at 10:07 am

I don’t know what the specific solution is, but I know this problem is too large and structural to be entirely solved by the charity of individuals. Some of it has to do with the huge number of jobs moved overseas. Some of it has to do with changes in the tax code (no, I don’t think we should go back to Eisenhower-era rates, but nor do I think billionaires should pay lower income taxes than the middle class, simply because their income comes from capital gains). Some of it has to do with the fact that businesses can simply get more done now with fewer workers.

I agree that a lot of people have defeatist attitudes, or blame society or “the 1%” for self-inflicted problems. But I also think that is not the whole picture.

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Msays:

13 February 2014 at 9:17 am

This post hit me the wrong way. I’m thirty and know some twenty years old. Twenty and thirty year olds I see are doing everything they can to reach their potential. The job market has changed. A four year degree means nothing, even interning may mean nothing. It’s very hard to get a decent job unless you “know the right people” . 80% of jobs are gotten through networking according to ABC news. That’s huge. A lot of people are trying to get a job. Their working a full time job while interning part time for experience. My sister moved across the country to intern for free for three months for a company before being offered a full time job with that company and that was after interning for several years (yes years) before that and applying for jobs for over a year.

I’m just saying many of those underemployed, living with their parents, not working in their field twenty somethings you are meeting are probably trying to live up to their potential.

I got the PhD (academic potential) and failed to live up to my full career potential (in the opinion of my advisor, anyway) by taking an administrative rather than tenure track job. Also, living up to my academic potential really cost me a lot in terms of my finances.

I am much happier with my life than I think I would have been had I pursued the tenure track, however. I agree with others who say that this whole “you can, so you must” belief can be very damaging indeed.

“I feel alive when I’m challenged and ambivalent when I’m not. Does anybody else feel the same way?”

Yes! But here’s what I’ve learned.

For me, it’s not so much the challenge or the end goal or the ‘living up to my potential’ that make me feel alive. I just happen to feel alive when my brain and energy are engaged. At least for me, it’s not so much about living up to my potential as it is being happy on a day to day basis. I’ve learned to stop obsessing over the future (my potential) and be grateful for what I have right now (the potential itself). There are a lot of writing-related goals I want to achieve, but in the meantime, I get to write every day, and people give me money for that. I might not have reached my potential yet, but I’m trying, and in the meantime, life is still pretty awesome. I don’t tire of never giving up, because I’ve learned it’s less about the goal and more about the journey. Corny, I know–sorry.

I think you made the right decision about the football thing. If you weren’t happy doing it in HS, how unhappy would you have been if you did it for a profession? Who cares how amazing and wonderful and majestic a football career is, if it doesn’t make you happy, it doesn’t make you happy. Similarly, I remember dropping out of my drama class in HS so that I could take journalism. Upon asking my drama teacher to sign the form, he said, “I always knew you were a quitter.” Even then, I rolled my eyes. (Kinda F’ed up, though, because a thinner-skinned student could’ve been really affected by that). I knew the chances of my ever having an acting career were slim to none, but, more importantly, I just wasn’t that into it. So what was the point? I’m not a quitter. I’d just rather put my time and energy into something I like.

As for the sense of urgency, I totally know where you’re coming from. It used to make me really sad and frustrated to see people not living up to their potential. But I’ve realized, some people just want to relax–work hard at a job they don’t necessarily like, then come home and relax and do the same thing every day. And despite our seeing it as “complacent,” I kind of feel like that’s okay for some people. (Of course, there are people who are just lazy and freeloading, and that’s a different story.) My mom is an amazing artist, for example. It used to frustrate the hell out of me that she didn’t care to do anything with her talent. For Christmas, I’d buy her canvases and brushes and oils and she never used them. Finally, she told me, “It just doesn’t make me happy. It’s work to me. And I already work all day long.”

It’s SUCH a waste, yeah, but what’s a bigger waste–my mom’s talent, or a life spent doing something that doesn’t make her happy? It sucks that something she’s so great at doesn’t fulfill her, but that’s just how it is. I can’t force her to be passionate about something she dreads. Despite it not being very exciting, she’s happy doing what she does, and I’ve learned to be okay with that.

I do think that, if fear is the only thing holding you back from reaching your potential, you’ve got to get over it and just go for it.

@Kristin Wong: Very well said. I have not heard that perspective before, and I am intrigued. I have a few talents and I often think about whether I am fully realizing my own potential. And sometimes personal/familial happiness and that maximization of potential are in opposition. It can be a difficult situation for someone to accept: to deliberately sacrifice being “all you can be” for another more amorphous goal.

My career is one that involves developing a lot of highly specific, seemingly useless skills. They’re not things you learn how to do overnight, but take years of apprenticing to get right.

I see a lot younger people in my line of work who have great potential to really excel at this, but many just don’t commit and end up being mediocre. Maybe that’s fine, and maybe they’re happier and better balanced people as a result, but I think that real excellence is getting rarer. The most successful younger practitioners are the ones who A) have some natural talent B) develop that talent as best they can and C) persevere when it gets rough. It’s the persevere part that’s the toughest, it seems.

I wish I saw more people taking the risks necessary to achieve excellence. Sometimes you have to be a little possessed and do some things that make little sense in order to eventually do something extremely well. My $.02.

Uff, this is a big one, because there are many assumptions to untangle.

First, my ethics tend to align with Aristotle/Emerson/Nietzsche, so I do admire people who do great things, live up to their potential, etc.

However, pleasing other people is not the same as living up to your own potential. Emerson wrote about hearing a different drummer– not the coach’s. And one of my favorite maxims by Nietzsche is Become what you are (not “become what other people want you to become.”)

However, I think it’s hard to tell what you are from what other people want. I stopped being a top student when I was 12 because getting top grades in class felt very hollow– I wanted to explore other areas of life besides studying, and I did. And later when I was in college I had this physics professor who over some beers told me and my girlfriend that all he had done in his life was study, and he had missed out on a lot of things. He was super-smart, but at that point he was lonely and miserable and very socially inept, and he knew it. Not sure what became of him but I wish him well.

On top of that, I think a lot of overachievement can be fueled by a desire for grandiosity which compensates for toxic shame. The “I’ll show them” mentality, etc. Mega-egos are always hungry, and no achievement can give ever satisfy them. Maybe all they want is a Rosebud sled– or someone to love them for who they are.

So, where does that leave me? I’m grateful for people who do great things, and I look kindly on their flaws. I’m not sure I can or want to be one of them though– these days I lack the demons to propel me after such mirages. I have my own life, I want to keep tuned to my own drummer, and what happens happens– it’s all about the process for me, these days, not about some distant achievement that will fix everything some day (there isn’t, it won’t).

I’ll have to say though– more than people who do great things, I’m grateful for the people who do GOOD things. They keep the world running on a daily basis–the postman who sorts the letter correctly, the truck driver with a good safety record, the pharmacist who dispenses your medication accurately, the cashier who keeps cool under the pressure of a long line.

I think our cult of heroes and the grandiose overlooks those small good things, which add up to a lot. Not everyone can or wants to be Mozart, or a Shark Tank billionaire, but everyone can try to do their own job as best they can, and be proud of that. Our obsession with great heroes obscures our appreciation for everyday heroes. This is one of the reasons Battleship Potemkin is one of my favorite movies ever– not because of the technical achievements for its time, but because unlike hero-oriented Hollywood movies there is no single individual who saves the day– there are only common people who each do their part, and each contribution adds to a greater good.

So–yes. The best place to live up to one’s potential is in each small moment, I suppose. Whatever we’re doing right now–not some grandiose ploy in the distant future.

@El Nerdo: Wow, this was really well-written and thought-provoking. Not sure about your musical preferences but your description of “everyday” heroes brings to mind the song “Nobody’s Hero” by Rush. Thanks for a great comment.

Heh, I wish! He certainly lived up to his potential as a drummer. He is also a brilliant lyricist and here’s a quote from the Rush song Mission which fits the theme of this blog post:

[regarding those who sacrifice a lot to achieve their dreams]
“Obsession has to have action —
Pride turns on the drive

It’s cold comfort
To the ones without it
To know how they struggled —
How they suffered about it

If their lives were exotic and strange
They would likely have gladly exchanged them
For something a little more plain
Maybe something a little more sane

We each pay a fabulous price
For our visions of paradise”

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Waverlysays:

13 February 2014 at 10:51 am

Eh, I don’t think everyone is a special snowflake in some way. I really don’t. Most people are really just average.

Everyone wants to BELIEVE that they are a special snowflake, with lots of potential to realize, sure.

Get out of your head about it. You’ve got food, clothing, shelter, and are not on the brink of financial ruin. Don’t stress about living up to your potential. Maybe having food, clothing, shelter and not being on the brink of financial ruin IS living up to the potential of most people.

Sure, the cream rises to the top, but these days it seems like everyone thinks they are going to definitely be the cream. For example, take Sam’s example of football and your example of pro athletes. He regrets not trying out for football, even though if he had tried out for it he might have really sucked at it and he almost certainly wouldn’t have gone pro. We live in a country where we’re telling everyone, “You’re great. You can throw a football, that means you definitely have the potential to go pro.”

It’s just not true. Most people really are just average. Most people are not ever going to be the cream that rises to the top.

I could possibly agree with you when discussing athletes, but overall I don’t think that the best of the best or the smartest or most talented are always the ones who de facto inhabit the top positions in society. CEOs might get paid thousands of times more than the average employee, but that doesn’t mean that they are thousands of times more talented or valuable than the rest of us “average” folk. I guess that was my point. If we assume that everyone not in positions of prestige are average and everyone who so to speak rises above average employment are somehow better than us, that’s how we get in a position of stratifying value to society and overall hero worship. It’s distasteful to me how we privilege success over other values in this world.

The rich and successful don’t hold the corner of the market on being extraordinary, especially if you expand your definition of what’s extraordinary. I’m thinking more along the lines of El Nerdo’s point about extolling people for doing a good and honest job no matter their position in life. Now that concept gets me excited.

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waverlysays:

13 February 2014 at 4:16 pm

I think we fundamentally disagree on what consitutes an extraordinary person, a person who is extraordinarily talented, and when/why people should be extolled.

Yes, of course it’s great when the mail carrier does a good job of delivering the mail. It’s on time and it’s not ripped and it’s not covered in dirt and s/he locked up my mailbox properly after delivering. But why should I extoll this person? Just for doing his or her job to an acceptable level? There’s a difference between appreciating someone’s job well done and feting someone for actually just…doing what they are paid to do.

I agree with you that being wealthy and powerful is not an indicator that someone is “the cream” that has risen to the top. Kardashians are a great example.

But why should I extoll this person? Just for doing his or her job to an acceptable level? There’s a difference between appreciating someone’s job well done and feting someone for actually just…doing what they are paid to do.

I don’t know about “extolling,” I said I’m grateful for people who do good things.

Why am I grateful?

Because people aren’t machines where you insert a coin and they perform a task mechanically. Work is not just “for the money.” That’s an awfully wrong way to look at human endeavor.

Because good things make a difference, as opposed to so-so things, as further opposed to just utter crap, and I can tell the difference, and I appreciate the difference.

Because everything counts, and everything adds up to very large aggregate effects.

Because without countless people doing good work in support of a handful of geniuses, those poor geniuses wouldn’t be worth a damn and probably wouldn’t even be able to feed themselves.

Because I’d rather be grateful and appreciate the small good things and take pleasure as I go through life than wait for the rare thunderbolt from the skies to finally be happy about something.

Why shouldn’t we extoll them for a job well done? Maybe it would even out the amount of public accolade that the wealthy and high profile among us receive on a daily basis.

This all reminds me of an article I read recently in Slate about how we all show such great deference for the rich, as if somehow they hold more wisdom than we do. But being rich just means that you’re good at making money, not that you are a wise person or worth emulating.

I’m thinking specifically about the type of worldview I want to create for my kids. I want them to understand that all workers have value and play a vital role.

I have a Ph.D., and I regularly hear my mother say things that imply to me that she thinks I am somehow superior to others because of my degree. I don’t get it AT ALL, but it’s her old school view of social hierarchy and overall perception of blue collar workers. I don’t want my kids to ever get such a perception from me.

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ericasays:

13 February 2014 at 11:10 am

I DID play a Beethoven sonata on violin at 6 (actually 10) and my parents pushed me hard because they saw my potential. I quit playing at 16 when I left home because they pushed me hard at everything.

My potential is mine to use/waste as I see fit. You can pay me to utilize it, you can help me to nurture it and I can do the same for you but that’s it. And if my potential was for mayhem and murder, we’d all be better if I didn’t utilize it.

Great article we all have the potential to be great but most people don’t push hard enough. People tend to give up soon as they hit a hurdle. Let’s all pusb ourselves 10 times harder and we will all accomplish our goals.

Even the best of the best are plagued by this same sentiment–trying to fulfill your potential. But this is an imaginary mountain that exists only in your own mind. And focusing on one goal of being the best in __ means that you will fail in other areas–areas that may be more important to you. Too much focus on being the best in one area can bring the same destruction to one’s life, like happened in Steinbeck’s The Pearl.

I have had the pleasure of working for somebody who was recognized and admitted into a Hall of Fame and are universally recognized by the impact left behind. Yet, these various accomplishments existed with a string of failures that occurred because of this very success. Being driven in one’s career can mean other aspects of one’s live suffers. To live to your full potential, career-wise, means its very easy to have your life be not in balance. What is the point of being the best you can be in one small, limited area of your life, if you can’t dedicate the time you need to develop and keep the relationship to your spouse, your children, yourself? Yet, relationships are difficult, so if you receive accolades at work, it’s easy to spend more time there.

What does “Live up to your potential” even mean? We look to the heights one person achieves and we compare ourselves to that, not thinking of all of the other branches that must be pruned in order to achieve such heights.

I do not want to be a person with “one special gift.” How limiting that sounds! Like I am being shoved into one little box. I want to be a well-rounded person–a person who has the opportunity to see much, feel much, be much.

This post sounds like you are struggling with finding the meaning and purpose of life–not whether you are living to your potential. You already recognize that you are on the top of the heap–world-wise–in terms of income and blessings. Yet, you are still kicking yourself because you chose tennis over football in high school. Is it possible that you have become a junkie to the adrenalin rush of a challenge? Or is it possible that a part of you is trying to determine why X matters at all? It sounds like you may be nervous because the trigger that worked in the past (a challenge) is no longer motivating you, but that may be because you need to take a break and figure out what you want from life at this stage.

I do not believe that society itself lulls us into a sense of complacency where we under-achieve. For me, it was actually the reaching of my very challenging goals that caused this feeling of complacency in myself where I asked, “Is this all?” Reaching the top of my self-imposed mountain was anti-climatic. I had two paths to chose from at that point–furthering my career or creating a family and I chose a family.

My goals are different now and my focus is different, but I feel such personal growth. Children are not a motivator–to me at least–but they are what now gives my life a purpose I didn’t feel before. What’s more, having children means that I am slaying dragons from my childhood. I now see the dragons that haunted me as a child, but I see them from the eyes of a parent, and I am slowly realizing that I helped to create those dragons and that those dragons have been following me as an adult.

The following two thoughts presented in this article contradict each other. I do not agree with either.

“The wealth gap continues to widen due to those with capability not doing enough, and many more who are conducting self-inflicting wounds to their finances.”

“Unless there is a huge wealth transfer by inheritance, it seems as if our youth is stuck until older generations are willing to retire to make room.”

The wealth gap has expanded due to the tax structure of the USA and the shrinking middle class income. As disposable income from the lower 90 percentile continures to shrink there is less work created for the incoming workers. As the low level wage service industry grows faster than middle income jobs there are less well paying jobs on the income ladder to climb up to. Basic economic nderstanding is missing from this article. Wage wise living up to ones capability is not always a choice the worker is given in an economy such as we have now.

What if I don’t want to? I can play guitar pretty well (I’ve had my music on the radio), I write halfway decent (had small things published) I’m a pretty good artistic painter and photographer. So what? Does that mean I have to spend long hours in order to excel at guitar, make the world happy, make myself more fulfilled as a human? What if I just play when I want? …Or not? I don’t have anything to prove and don’t have a need to impress anyone. I’ve been chastised by people before for not playing music more and making a band. My reply, “It’s none of your business. I’ll do it when and if I want.”

As said about all the pressure put on George R. R. Martin to put out “Game of Thrones” books faster: He’s not your b|tch.

I’m not one to judge anybody else and really what I perceive to be living up to my potential could be markedly different from how they perceive it. Many 20-somethings consider extensive travelling and living freely to be a rite of passage (of which I am a little envious!). Further, living up to one’s potential can be measured by your salary, the difference you make to other people’s lives, perhaps a novel that you slave away writing in the dark for years only to sell a few copies. It’s hard to identify and measure whether potential is being reached.

Personally I have a very strong drive to live up to my full potential to the point that sometimes I’ll be struck with fear that perhaps this time in my life is my peak. To me, living to my full potential is continually learning, maturing, advancing in my career and being able to give back to others.

Love, love this line: “To me, living to my full potential is continually learning, maturing, advancing in my career and being able to give back to others.” Totally agree!

I don’t think people ever really “peak”. A lot of great artists, writers, inventors, musicians, etc. create some of their best works later in life. These days, there’s a rise in entrepreneurship not just among the young but people who are close to retirement or retired.

There was this HUGE “lifestyle design” movement online in 2008-2010 about quitting your job and living your passions. The reality is, many of these folks lost their jobs during the worst downturn of our time. But the great thing is they tried to make a positive out of a negative. And for that, I commend them.

I do wonder what happens now that the economy is back. Do we quit our passions to make some money to survive and save for our futures now?

I think your mixing things up a bit. Have you ever judged a person, based on their friends of family? Why?
It is because of potential. Your afraid they will be like, or follow the group.
You have lots of potential and some of it is negative (and I have seen situations where that is pushed at the person as a “will be”). That has NOTHING to do with Passion. You can find someone who has passion, and no potential in an area, and they use their passion to obtain the skills that they lack from potential. When potential and passion meet, that is a good thing. Unfortunately, not everyone finds both and if they THINK they have passion for something and give up, was it really passion?

I have several strong artistic talents (that are approved by successful pro’s) and I tried to develop a living out of them for twenty years – to no avail. I was really hard working, investing a lot of love, energy, time, and money, and I also got general positive response – but the money didn’t come. Finally I had to abandon my arts to earn my living and get some savings.

I’ve met quite a few even ingenious artists nobody was interested in. It is like Life sometimes gives a talent and then doesn’t support its development of the full potential. Don’t know why. On the other side, we all know people who are successful and even big stars that have just an average talent (music industry etc), or weren’t that interested in having this career and find themselves suddenly at the top. Big mystery in this – you can be at odds with this or accept it.

I think about this a lot, actively, every day, because I am a free-lance classical musician. This is a hugely competitive field, with a glut of extremely talented and well trained musicians competing for a dwindling job pool. By sheer numbers, under 5% of people trained for this career will actually make their living in it, if that.

In my opinion, most people who have the potential (in my industry) chose not to do something truly great do it because of happiness/comfort. I have been in hotels the entire month of February and will be for another week before I get to go home for a few weeks before heading back out on the road. This is not comfy-I don’t get to spend nights and weekends eating dinner with my husband, seeing friends, living a normal US lifestyle.

At this point, everybody I work with is for the most part, immensely talented and well trained. In order to keep getting work, I just have to keep enduring the crappy bits of this career (time away, irregular hours, missing virtually all family events due to no work releases), and outlast my job competition! Because some people DO give up on this and say that their personal life/9-5 schedule/health benefits/not paying a crippling tax burden on under 40k a year/spouses/weekends is worth more to them. I can’t judge-I know EVENTUALLY I will make that choice on some level. What bothers me is a lot of the justification I see here for people NOT living up. In my industry, for everyone who sticks with it, we are faced with the same obstacles….we just chose to endure.

I think you made the right call regarding playing football. My husband was a fantastic baseball player and made the All-Star team in high school. At that level, the coaches pushed the kids hard physically, encouraging them to take hits at the plate and to slide aggressively. He broke both his tibia and fibula sliding on a holey field. He has pain and trouble walking to this day, and arthritis began in his early 30s. He constantly says it wasn’t worth it and wishes he could go back and avoid sports.

The idea of wasting potential came up when I was in Sephora the other day. The saleswoman was extolling the virtues of a new haircare line, and explained that it was developed at MIT. When she walked away, my friend whispered to me “Doesn’t MIT have anything better to do, like cure cancer or something?” It turned into an interesting discussion.

I think everybody does have a responsibility to live up to their fullest potential.
Life is to short to be complacent and not challenge ourselves.
I find that some of the ways we can overcome complacency is to build a plan, setup goals, and then stick to that plan.

And in society, when everybody lives up to their potential then we will see an awesome society.

If more people were like this, we’d have less people complaining b/c they’d be doing exactly what they want to be doing that results in their current situation!

The peculiarity is that there are those who complain why they can’t get ahead while working less than 40 hours a week. Hard work requires no skill! Hard to catch up to the person working 70 hours a week.

“Living up to your potential” is actually a very difficult concept to define. What is potential? What is living up to it? The thing is, it’s based on expectations by others. Just because you’re tall, they say, play basketball and be a basketball star. That’s the problem with defining this concept. It differs with each person’s opinion about your potential. For me, live the way you want, the hell with other people’s expectations.

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