Thursday, July 27, 2006

F.L.F with A.D.D.

They're short and to the point. I don't think these would even qualify as "letters" per se. So I guess I should rename this post to: FAN MEMO FRIDAYS!!!

Dear Lance,

YOU'RE GAY?!?!?!?

Suuuure....the next thing you'll be shoving up my ass (your ass?) is that Michael Jackson was once black, Pamela Anderson's boobs are fake, Kevin Federline is a really bad father and Brad and Angelina are dating or something!

I just REFUSE to believe this is true. If it is, what about your fa.....okay, never mind, what about your music caree.......oh wait.

Never mind. Forget this whole letter and continue with your tubesteak buffet.Out of the closet means ALL YOU CAN EAT Biiittttccch!! :D

Thank you for making the statement that you and Gayle were NOT lesbian lovers. Unfortunately, the visual of Gayle clam diving in the Harpo swamp is something I see every time I blink. On a positive note, it sure does help with my diet.

Love, Me.

Dear Christie,

A blow job...with a mouthful of Tabasco sauce.

Then finish it off with a hearty bite.

That asshole is just askin' for a castration with a wife's loving touch.

Love, Me.

Dear Dave,

FYI: Tommy's Crue crabs can gnaw through clothing... so you might not want to bear hug him again while you french kiss. Good luck with your newly contracted Hep C. Oh and Carmen called, she told me to tell you to quit using her socks as fingerless gloves and she wants her eyeliner back.

Love, Me.

Dear John,

Remember, after age 40 you HAVE TO schedule a clinical breast exam and a mammogram every year!

Damn, this letter isn't even going to be funny because its so sad that father time has melted your once rockin' bod and morphing you into one of the Golden Girls.

John Travolta needs to invest in a BRO. A man bra. Maybe they make a line of bathing suit bro's. That would be fantastic. Oh yeah, the Oprah/Gail thing, I can't even touch that. You put a pic. in my mind I want to FORGET! Sicko!