Wednesday, January 27, 2010

EMAIL #6 TO MARY

You put my emails on the wall ‘next to your sleeps’? I must say, while this attempt at ‘connecting’ frightened me, it also made me cry. Good cries. The type of crying usually only associated with suddenly being reunited with an abusive ex-lover on a low-rating day-time talk show. So, thank you Mary. (Can I just call you Mary again? I don’t know I made you change your name. Mary is magical name. Silly me.)

Sorry about the photo. I should have explained. It’s like one of those ‘Magic Eye’ pictures where you have to go crossed-eyed first to see it. Try again. A few times. Til you get. And take a photo of you trying so I can see if you’re doing it right.

Mary, my sweet little unicorn hoof, do you like midgets? I bought one today. It’s only 25 years old and not yet toilet trained. It keeps me up all night with its crying. Dear god. I should have just gotten a puppy or meercat instead. What was I thinking? I have named him Tina. Short for ‘Tinactin’ – my favorite brand of antifungal cream. You’ll meet him when you arrive. He needs to be on a leash, otherwise he runs away. He’s very fast. Like superhero fast. Not as fast as Superman, but faster than Batman. Somewhere in there. Anyway, that’s why I have been so busy and not able to write you back. Between toilet training Tina and gathering pairs of animals for my ark, things have been NUTSO, Mary!

DEBBIE DOWNER ALERT! Geez Mary, way to kill the mood with what it’s like living in Russia. I get it Mary, but let’s just save these sad little accounts for our first tête-à-tête (ohhh, guess who just got ‘heart flutters’? Survey says ME!). Anyway, send me your address so I can save you and send you fun happy playthings.

Thanks for answering my questions Mary. I now know everything I need about you to make my decision about helping you come to America. That should be a movie: “Coming to America”. It would be about you (obviously… or an African Prince…we’ll sort that out later). I’d answer your questions Mary, but again, they weren’t very good. If you think of some good ones, I will totally answer them.

I loved the photo of you “dancing good with bear”, you’re right, “I did see”. I saw it in my dreams…and my nightmares. I love your photos Mary. You really are “Hollywood Princess”. I am sorry I ever compared you to Mickey Rourke. If anything, you’re a mix between Charlize Theron, Steve Buscemi and Tilda Swinton. HOTSKI! I do love getting your photos Mary. They touch me. In places I didn't even know existed. They touch me much like an uncle touches his 7 year old niece when they are alone.

Anyways, gotta run, Tina just rolled in his poop and I’m still missing a pair of “White-faced Saki Monkeys’ for my ark (harder to find than you’d think)

KISS YOU!S.

p.s. Photo of me attached. It’s a close-up of somewhere on my body! Guess Where!?! Put it next to your sleeps!