Horrible Horoscopes: Week of 11-28-2011

New things will be catching your attention today. Or you’ll be catching new things today. Either way, wear a helmet or a condom.

TAURUS

You’re feeling pretty crazed over something small. Welcome to the world of Cyber Monday, where you’ll waste an hour to save $8.

GEMINI

Your energy can help you coast through any objections or doubts. This is especially true when dealing with psychedelics when deciding that you want to dig a hole to the Land of Oz with your bare hands.

CANCER

The universe is flexible enough to accommodate whatever you want. Which is why I named the universe Kandy Kane and plan to hire her when I get divorced.

LEO

You need to make sure that you’re taking care of the most important people in your life today. Those are the people that know where you buried the bodies.

VIRGO

Not everyone will be as open-minded as you today. Prepare to be a bit disappointed when people won’t join you in swimming across the Long Island Sound wearing pink male onesies, lime green bathing caps, and swimmies with Sponge Bob Squarepants on them.

LIBRA

Your interests and passions are attracting interest, so don’t be surprised when a SWAT team breaks down your door.

SCORPIO

Someone is starting a new phase of their life today. Be ready to mock them incessantly for it.

SAGITTARIUS

You meet someone new who really blows your mind. This is a special feeling, considering these days, sports shows that sound more like NAMBLA discussions are the norm.

CAPRICORN

Some of your daily routine will be disrupted — don’t let yourself get frustrated. You can get thrown off of your daily masturbation, but you’ll eventually find time.

AQUARIUS

The thrill of mounting excitement is climbing up your spine today. Or it could be the chilling fear as you see your creepy dentist pull out whipped cream as you pass out from being gassed.

PISCES

Your brain is dominant today, though it might be the right half that really takes charge. If you’re suffering from brain damage, I guess you can be glad something is taking charge up there. Walking around the streets of New York in November wearing a thong and singing “Swing Low, Sweet Chariot” can get a little old.