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On Being Inclusive

It has taken me all week to compose myself enough to write a measured and meaningful post about the brouhaha caused on the RESOLVE Facebook page on Monday. The jist is that RESOLVE posted a question from a member, unedited and in its entirety, and the question was from a woman looking for affordable ART options, they were going to adopt, but she really wanted a child of her own.

Her question, uninformed and ignorant as it was, reflects a sentiment shared by some who have never adopted or have not mourned the loss of a genetic child, which is that an adopted child isn’t ones own, is a second choice. But it wasn’t the question so much as the lack of intervention or moderation on the part of RESOLVE once the comments deteriorated into ‘just get over it’ and ‘you’re too sensitive’ that caused the rancor.

At issue is that words hurt and if the national organization that purports to support the infertile community as a whole can’t do a better job, how can we expect to elevate the conversation and stop alienating adoptive parents and persons in our own community?

RESOLVE let the comments degrade for a full 24 hrs until enough people complained directly to them that Barbara Collura posted a flimsy response on Tuesday (the entire thread has since been deleted) that amounted to ‘gosh, so sorry you got your knickers in a wad, but pardon us for being understaffed’. The ass kissers came out in force celebrating this pseudo apology, but I did not. I found it wholly unacceptable that they missed the ENTIRE point which was that they should have taken better care of the community by either not posting the question at all or editing it and informing the original poster as to why or actually moderating the comments in real time in a show of support that they do not stand for the marginalization of the adoptive community with words the demean and dilute the adoption experience as a ‘lesser than’ or even less natural way of family building.

It is something that as an adopted person married to another adopted person and as someone who endeavored to domestically adopt myself, I am very passionate about, that as a community, we are inclusive of everyone regardless of the manner in which they choose to build their family. You can’t say you’re inclusive and then disenfranchise a part of the very group you’re supposed to be supporting and protecting.

And, guess what? It is not the adoption community’s fight. It is incumbent upon the rest of us, those in the majority, to fight for what is right, in word and deed, for those who are feeling hurt and ostracized. I liken it to my passion and advocacy for gay rights. It is not solely up to the homosexual population to fight on their own behalf. No, it is up to the heterosexuals to ensure fairness and equal protection for our gay brothers and sisters. We have to fight for and protect them. Just as I don’t need to be gay to understand the plight of those who are who have their rights trampled on, I don’t have to have adopted to understand how hurt adoptive parents or persons would feel at the sentiment that their child(ren) are not viewed as their own.

Because this continued to be such a heated topic and I’m sure many more wrote in to RESOLVE directly, they posted yet another, but more genuine and sincere apology that read, in part:

“RESOLVE would like to again apologize for the events that unfolded this week on this Facebook page. We have removed the posts and hope as a community we can all move forward… together. Several community members reached out to RESOLVE directly who felt their voice was not being heard and we encourage anyone else to reach out to us at info@resolve.org. We absolutely acknowledge that there were opportunities that we missed to change the outcome of this conversation. We are sincerely sorry as we never intended or imagined that we would hurt or alienate anyone.“

In addition to posting on their FB page, I sent the following to them directly:

I have been an outspoken commenter on the recent thread regarding the community question posted on Monday. I want to convey that had the response posted this morning been posted on Monday, so much of the vitriol could have been avoided. I appreciate the effort to take responsibility now and the post this morning was heartfelt and sincere. I worry that it is too little, too late for those members of RESOLVE who are involved in adoption advocacy.

As the national organization representing all factions of infertility, RESOLVE is supposed to be the safe haven for all, no matter their path to parenthood or in their decision to remain child-free. I think this exposed that there is much work to be done both in word and action to attempt to unify rather than faction the group. That having been said, it is clear to me (as an adopted person, as a mother, as an infertile, and as someone who used the most advanced forms of ART to have my two sons after attempting to adopt domestically) that there needs to be a more fully formed sub-group for the infertility community who takes that adoption path.

It should be bothersome to you that the majority of posts were on the ‘just get over it’, ‘you’re being too sensitive’ end of the spectrum which is where the real damage was done. It shines a light that RESOLVE, by omission, hasn’t done enough to raise awareness or create sensitivity among its members.

Infertility is one of the worst diseases to befall a woman or couple who wants to create a family. We need to be universally supportive, regardless of personal choices. Just because I do not subscribe to the idea that adoption is a ‘calling by God’ doesn’t mean that I can’t support those who do.

As I said, in my comments, when you know better, you do better and it is time to DO better.

However, it was likely too little, too late for many who have long felt that RESOLVE does not include and support those who pursue adoption over ART in a cohesive, complete, and unadulterated manner. I’m not proposing that RESOLVE is the be all and end all infertility resource but I am saying that if you hold yourself out there in support of adoption, then you need to SUPPORT adoption as a path in both word and deed.

I am disenchanted and disheartened. When we know better, we MUST do better.

8 comments to On Being Inclusive

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You know I agree wholeheartedly with you on this. There is nothing wrong with getting it wrong. There is only something wrong in not owning and trying to correct your mistake as soon as your attention is pointed toward it. And they waited a long time.

I’d like to see them come up with handouts or a lecture series where they address some of the insensitive language that comes even from within the community at times.

I’m glad I missed this debacle. I understand the disappointment, though. I don’t know why when I join groups like that I expect it to be full of thoughtful, open-minded, supportive people. So disappointing!

Hear hear! Excellent post. During the disaster over there I commented several times but felt like it was falling on deaf ears. I’ve been too wrapped up into own crap to address it in my blog though. Thank you for this post.

Great response. I was wondering what organization was the culprit and had settled onResolve. Although I dont read their FB page I had read lots of bloggers’ horror at the debacle and veiled references to a organization. So thanks for clearing that up for me. I think the internet is full of ppl of the “get over it” variety. It’s just sad that the IF community is no different. I guess we will see how Resolve can redeem itself in the the future. The proof will be in the pudding!

Excellent post. Thank you for this. My two children may have become mine via adoption but they are most definitely my own. And I agree more sensitivity and understanding is needed in general because I sometimes still get the “where are their real parents?”question from time to time.