If you ever wonder which Transformers movie is the
worst, I have a simple formula: it’s the last one. That large glob of digital
effects and explosions being perpetuated by the folks at Hasbro and Paramount, slapped
together like a cinematic quintuple-patty-cheeseburger-with-everything is being
hurled at multiplex theaters again this summer with the release of Transformers:
The Last Knight (I was falsely encouraged by the having the word “Last” in
the title, but it seems there are many more robotic monstrosities in the works…sigh).
Yes, that was a really long run-on sentence, but it was crafted on purpose to reflect
on the nature of all Michael Bay’s Transformers movies which represent nothing
more than a long string of continuous explosions and cheesy dialogue (See? I
did it again…but I digress…sure wish Michael Bay would learn how to digress…but
I digress, yet again).

So, where were we in the Transformers franchise? Eh,
I forget, (5th movie nonetheless) but I suppose it’s okay to note
that The Last Knight is the second “Shia Labeouf-less” in the series,
with Mark Wahlberg reprising the leading role of Cade Yeager, a Texas inventor
who did something important in the last Transformers movie. Yaeger is working
to protect the Autobots, since the “world government” Transformer Reaction
Force (TRF) is trying to wipe them out, because, collateral damage or
something. Will Lennox (Josh Duhamel) is a TRF leader of sorts. The Autobots
are voiced by various folks like John Goodman, Ken Watanabe, Steve Buschemi and
many others too numerous to mention.

Meanwhile, a huge backstory is revealed, explaining how the
Transformers were part of a legion of knights who joined forces with King Arthur
and Merlin (Stanly Tucci) to protect humanity centuries earlier. The exposition
of this previously unknown Transformers origin (funny how such “new” origins
keep popping up, just in time for another sequel) is handled by Sir Edmund
Burton (Anthony Hopkins) who narrates a long dialogue on the subject. Burton is
last in a line of descendants from Arthur’s court. Close by at Oxford, the
beautiful Dr. Viviane Wembly (Laura Haddock) is also an expert on Camelot and
happens to be the last descendant of Merlin. The TRF employs jailed
Decepticons, led by Megatron himself to track Yeager and his pals, including an
orphan named Izabella (Isabela Moner) and a tech geek employee named Jimmy
(Jerrod Carmichael).

As if all this weren’t tedious enough, it’s important to
note that Optimus Prime (Peter Cullen) has floated back the ruins of his home
planet of Cybertron, where he’s reprogrammed by the evil sorceress Quintessa
(Gemma Chan) to drag the remains of the planet back to Earth, so that it can be
reassembled at the expense of destroying the Earth (again).

Look, there’s a lot more to explain, but suffice to say that
our human heroes and good robots must overcome great challenges to save the
world from bad robots, followed by a cheesy speech about being excellent to each
other, or some kind of promise from the good robots to always be there when you
need them, like Maytag repairmen.

If you haven’t already picked up on the less-than-subtle
tone of this review, let me spell it out for you: Transformers: The Last
Knight stinks to the highest (or lowest) degree. Not only is it overdone in
terms of spectacle, it’s also two & a half painful hours long, even though
it feels longer (bringing the total hours of Transformers movies to more than
12 & a half, but who’s counting?).

Look, I get it: if lots of explosions and vehicles that turn
into giant humanoid robots is your thing, more power to you. I like some
mindless action and special effects-driven movies, but the entire Transformers
franchise lacks sympathetic characters or any kind of story that makes
sense.

It should be noted that according to Wikipedia, Michael Bay
has claimed that there are an additional 14 Transformer movie ideas in
the mix, God help us all.