Five Ways To Embrace & Enjoy Your Kinky Fetish

A fetish might be the shiny black leather boots the man at the grocery store has on, or the white cotton jockstraps you see at the gym, or the way you murmur “Daddy…”when your horned up partner is having his way with you. But where did we get our kinks, and do they represent something… bad?

Therapist and author David Fawcett (Lust, Men, and Meth: A Gay Man’s Guide to Sex and Recovery) thinks our kinky side is actually good for us, he came up with some juicy insights into our naughty obsessions.

“A fetish is not a disorder at all, unless it causes personal distress or is harmful to others,” David told Queerty’s Mark King. So if you’ve been transfixed by the uniform worn by the hot Castro cop, relax. “The most common fetish is a body part, like feet. Second would be objects such as clothing, and finally, a fetish can be a behavior, like a role play fantasy.”

David provided us these five helpful things to know about your kinky fetish:

1. Assess your fetish to be sure it is a healthy one

David is supportive of our kinky sides. “Think of your fetish as something that ‘adds value’ to your sexuality,” he says. “By far, most fetishes are perfectly normal. Our own shame about having one is usually the most unhealthy thing about it. If it is a fantasy of some sort, remember this: the vast majority of people are clear about the difference between fantasy and reality.”

But why on earth do white briefs drive you wild, you ask? “Why we develop a fetish is largely unknown,” David says, “but they are most often in place during childhood. They pair our earliest sexual arousal with a non-sexual object – the cute boy you saw in the locker room was wearing white briefs, for instance. Importantly, though, a fetish can also result from trauma or a strong emotional experience.”

If you’re concerned, ask yourself if your fetish is emotionally or physically harmful to yourself or to your partner. And David asks that you give something else some thought. “Is indulging your fetish ‘re-wounding’ you somehow? Is it linked to something that should be allowed to heal, and you’re keeping it fresh, and harmful?” If the answer is yes or you’re not certain, you might want to consider talking it through with a professional.

And by all means, if the fetish involves sex that puts you or your partner at risk for HIV transmission, then check out PrEP if you’re negative, or learn why positive guys with an undetectable viral load are not infecting their partners.

2. Reveal your fetish to your partner thoughtfully

Sure, telling your date or your husband that his leather boots are hot is easy. Getting him to wear a pair during sex might be a little trickier. The key is being prepared.

“Most couples don’t have great communication skills about sex, and that includes gay men,” says the expert. “So be sure you are comfortable discussing sex in the first place. You might want to just describe why the fetish gives you pleasure, without any expectations that your partner will join in. And it is important that you discuss it as something that is intimate, not a source of shame or some kind of awful confession.”

Once you’ve had the Big Reveal, give your partner time to process it. You can always circle back to it later.

3. You fetish probably isn’t going anywhere

“A fetish is part of your sexual template that probably won’t go away,” says David. “Even if we try to repress them, they tend to re-emerge.”

So, someone in a relationship that has a fetish might want to do their best to incorporate it, advises David. That means ground rules, respect for limits, and managing the complicated balance between loving and respecting your partner while honoring your own needs. “Communication is the key, of course,” David says. “And it is also true that sometimes couples are just incompatible.”

4. Be sure you don’t need drugs or alcohol to enjoy your fetish

The more dangerous your fetish might potentially be, the greater the importance of having a clear head. Obviously, this applies to domination and submission scenes or anything involving being at the physical mercy of your partner. “Always incorporate consent and respect,” advises our expert. “And you can’t give your consent if you are under the influence.”

David firmly believes that some fetishes are the result of drug use and may not even be organic to the individual. “These kind of drug-driven behaviors do not increase intimacy,” he says. “They are actually destructive.”

“If a fetish is keeping someone stuck in self-destructive behaviors like drug addiction, this suggests a level of shame that needs to be addressed in therapy,” David says.

5. Men love to grab that brass (nipple) ring

Fetishes are a guy thing. “95% of people with a fetish are male,” David tells us. “Straight men fetishize feminine things, gay men fetishize masculine things. They are the objects that represent those we desire.” Of course many gay men love feminine things, too.

So embrace all that you are, men. Keep communication open, play it safe, and get on with your kinky selves. “By far, most fetishes enhance healthy sexuality,” David adds. “So have fun!”

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About Joe

I began my life in the South and for five years lived as a closeted teacher, but am now making a new life for myself as an oral historian in New England. I think my life will work out the way it was always meant to be. That doesn't mean there won't be ups and downs; that's all part of life. It means I just have to be patient. I feel like October 7, 2015 is my new birthday. It's a beginning filled with great hope. It's a second chance to live my life…not anyone else's.
My profile picture is "David and Me," 2001 painting by artist Steve Walker. It happens to be one of my favorite modern gay art pieces.
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This entry was posted on Wednesday, March 2nd, 2016 at 7:00 am and posted in Sexuality, Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.

One response to “Five Ways To Embrace & Enjoy Your Kinky Fetish”

As for the #1 category here, regarding assessing your fetish, I happened to read the quote about fetishes being in place from childhood and just wanted to comment to say that I can’t help but strongly agree with this opinion. I happen to have a few fetishes after I got grown that I have very often believed (when giving them thought) to be directly connected to my childhood. First off I would like to say that this may seem a bit bold and possibly inappropriate to some because my fetishes are linked back to my dad (BUT we were not sexually active together), but hopefully this reply doesn’t have to get blocked or deleted because I like to share anything and everything about myself whenever I can see a window for it. Anyway, with that said here are my fetishes and my brain’s way of linking them to my childhood. White briefs were mentioned on here as an example and that just so happens to be one my fetishes (although I must admit guys in almost any type of underwear except boxer shorts drive my crazy). As for this, my dad only owned white briefs my entire life and I have very vivid memories all through my child hood of seeing him in only his tighty whities, very frequently at that. He was a single father and since it was only he and I around the house the majority of the time, things like that were never a big deal for him. Nudity between us during certain situations such as showering together when I was young, or in a bedroom, was also common but the tight briefs on him I must admit always peaked my interest. I realize this sounds strange considering I got to see the real deal as well, but for whatever reason I loved seeing him in his briefs. I think that it adds a bit of extra curiosity to the mind. For another fetish, I am very much into the sight of other guys relieving themselves, especially older types. I connect this one to childhood because of the fact of my dad being open about peeing in front of me when I was young. I was very fascinated by the whole sight and image of it all and now I never hesitate to sneak a glance at a urinal in a public bathroom, especially if it’s a good looking older “daddy” type, so to speak. The last one on my list, is spanking. I was afraid this one might really come off as too bold but here it goes anyway. My dad was not abusive to me by any means when I was growing up but at the same time, he did not hesitate to wear my backside out a bit from time to time if needed, and more often times that not, I was bare when I got it. Anyway, as I was going through puberty, for whatever reason this thing that I hated so badly (because let’s face it, when does that ever seem to feel good) seemed to arouse me. In fact, after I had reached the age of masturbation, I would become so aroused after being spanked that I could not keep myself from “taking care of business” after it was over. Of course, he was never aware of this or I would have probably gotten it again haha. At the time of course it was all tears and a struggle to break lose from his grip, but after a few moments of being alone after it was over, I just couldn’t stop myself. Oddly enough, I had some of my best orgasms directly following a spanking. So anyway, there you have it… my list and my reasons for agreeing that fetishes probably in fact do relate back to childhood (whether most people can recollect enough to realize this or not). Don’t get me wrong, I don’t regret anything about my childhood, nor do I have any harsh feelings toward my father for any of the above mentioned things. I don’t believe there is anything wrong with certain “revealing” moments between a father and son, in fact if anything, I believe it’s very healthy for young boys to have certain types of experiences from their dad or the next closest male role model because I think it helps them to develop and understand things better when those awkward years hit. I’m just simply sharing my own and I hope it helps or at least entertains.