After a tough break-up, how do we heal ourselves, pick up the pieces, and move on to the next, productive stage of life?

I appreciated your response to "Discouraged and Overwhelmed" (Dating Maze #4). My problem is slightly different. I'm also a single mother, now in my 40s, and I fairly often feel overwhelmed by my schedule. I spent most of my 30s buried in a difficult marriage, caring for a small child, working, and finishing college. My daughter is now 10, and she is busy with school, music, ballet, etc. while I am trying to supplement my "day job" by building a second career as a musician. I also need to increase my income, as I get no support from my ex, who doesn't work. I still want a social life, but I don't have the time or focus to work on "serious" dating, so I date casually.

I think there is another factor that prevents me from wanting to have a serious relationship. I'm afraid to enter another bad marriage. My marriage didn't start out bad, but at the end it felt like a prison -- lacking affection, support, cooperation, touch, cheerful energy. My husband suffered from depression among other things. He seemed to become worse over time, and I responded by becoming edgier and more difficult to live with. We tried treatment and counseling (both individual and couples), and sadly it did not work well enough for our marriage to survive.

But not to dwell on the past. I need to work out the logistical issues of finding time to work on my music career, handle finances, raise my daughter, and date.

However, I think the deeper question for me really is, "How do I conquer fear and pessimism." Intellectually, I believe good relationships are possible. But in my gut, where my Pavlovian condition resides, I don't "know" this for a fact.

How does one find a positive attitude for the present? A willingness to take risks? I'm smart, intellectual, warm and strong in some ways, and I don't want to avoid a relationship forever. But there's a vulnerable person inside who doesn't want to risk another heartache. When faced with a big obstacle, prayer comes to mind. Do you also have some practical advice I can follow?

Debra in the USA

Dear Debra,

Jewish tradition says we should combine prayer with personal effort. It seems to us that you have already begun that effort, and we applaud you for that. Despite your fear of entering into another bad relationship, your tone is one of hope and optimism. If you can channel those positive emotions, you'll be able to get past this difficult period and move on in your personal life.

In order to do this, you need closure of your difficult marriage. You spent several years and a good deal of your energy trying to repair a relationship that was fractured by your husband's worsening mental illness. Now that your marriage is over, you've got to properly mourn its death and the expectations that were never fulfilled. No matter how long ago your marriage ended, unless you pass through this grieving process, you will not be able to move forward emotionally.

Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross described the stages a person goes through in dealing with the death of a loved one: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance.

This grieving process also occurs whenever a person experiences a divorce, catastrophic illness or life-altering event. It appears that you have not yet passed through all of the stages of grieving and are "stuck" at the level of depression. To move out of that level, spend some of your precious spare time remembering the history of your marriage. It often helps to write your thoughts down in a notebook. Recall how your marriage started to break up, and how you experienced the Denial, Anger and Bargaining stages. Write about the depression and other emotions you now feel -- and why. This exercise should bring clarity and help you come to terms with the past -- and lead you to the final stage of grieving, Acceptance.

When you are able to accept your former husband's illness and the fact that his inability to overcome it was his own failure and not yours, then you can begin to focus on your strengths. You emerged from a divorce in a much stronger position than many other newly-single women -- you have a college degree and a job, you use your creative outlet for enjoyment as well as additional income, you are able to provide your daughter with love and nurturing, and you are optimistic and forward-looking rather than embittered.

In terms of time and energy, you've got a pretty full plate. Fortunately, all of the energy you are expending is directed at positive goals -- rearing your daughter, expressing yourself creatively, bettering yourself economically. Why not dedicate this stage of your life to enjoying these labors and their fruits? Try to center your social life around family and friends, rather than crowding precious time with serious dating. This stage of your life will not last long. As finances ease a little and your daughter becomes somewhat independent, there will be time to pursue a serious relationship. And, when you do start dating seriously, you won't be plagued by the fears that haunt you now.

Rosie & Sherry

READER'S COMMENT

Hi Rosie and Sherry!

I like the emphatic yet "no nonsense" approach to your e-mails. It seems, the values you portray are what society believes are "old-fashioned"... yet for me, they are universals. You are protective of women, as well. I like it! Keep it up!

About the Author

Questions for Rosie & Sherry can be sent to datingmaze@aish.com. Due to the large volume of questions received, they are unable to answer each one.

Rosie Einhorn (a psychotherapist) and Sherry Zimmerman (a psychotherapist and former family lawyer) are the authors of the newly-released book, Dating Smart – Navigating the Path to Marriage, published by Menucha Publishers. They are the founders of Sasson V'Simcha (www.jewishdatingandmarriage.com), a non- profit organization that provides programs and services in North America, Israel, and Europe to help Jewish singles and the people who care about them.

Visitor Comments: 1

(1)
Charles,
June 16, 2002 12:00 AM

Gentle correction.

Dr. Kubler-Ross is quoted as saying that we go through five stages when dealing with the death of a loved one. My understanding is that Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance are the expected stages that a DYING person goes through, not a GRIEVING one. I mention it because it's important to know that grieving can be more unpredictable; go through some but not all of the stages or through them in a different order and I shouldn't fear that I'm grieving improperly because I don't know which stage I'm in. Grandma can die, for instance, and one will never feel anger. A good resource is The Grief Recovery Handbook.

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I'm told that it's a mitzvah to become intoxicated on Purim. This puzzles me, because to my understanding, it is not considered a good thing to become intoxicated, period.

One of the characteristics of the at-risk youth is their use of drugs, including alcohol. In my experience, getting drunk doesn't reveal secrets. It makes people act stupid and irresponsible, doing things they would never do if they were sober. Also, I know a lot about the horrible health effects of abusing alcohol, because I work at a research center that focuses on addiction and substance abuse.

Also, I am an alcoholic, which means that if I drink, very bad things happen. I have not had a drink in 22 years, and I have no intention of starting now. Surely there must be instances where a person is excused from the obligation to drink. I don't see how Judaism could ever promote the idea of getting drunk. It just doesn't seem right.

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Putting aside for a moment all the spiritual and philosophical reasons for getting drunk on Purim, this remains an issue of common sense. Of course, teenagers should be warned of the dangers of acute alcohol ingestion. Of course, nobody should drink and drive. Of course, nobody should become so drunk to the point of negligence in performing mitzvot. And of course, a recovering alcoholic should not partake of alcohol on Purim.

Indeed, the Code of Jewish Law explicitly says that if one suspects the drinking may affect him negatively, then he should NOT drink.

Getting drunk on Purim is actually one of the most difficult mitzvot to do correctly. A person should only drink if it will lead to positive spiritual results - e.g. under the loosening affect of the alcohol, greater awareness will surface of the love for God and Torah found deep in the heart. (Perhaps if we were on a higher spiritual level, we wouldn't need to get drunk!)

Yet the Talmud still speaks of an obligation on Purim of "not knowing the difference between Blessed is Mordechai and Cursed is Haman." How then should a person who doesn't drink get the point of “not knowing”? Simple - just go to sleep! (Rama - OC 695:2)

All this applies to individuals. But the question remains - does drinking on Purim adversely affect the collective social health of the Jewish community?

The aversion to alcoholism is engrained into Jewish consciousness from a number of Biblical and Talmudic sources. There are the rebuking words of prophets - Isaiah 28:1, Hosea 3:1 with Rashi, and Amos 6:6, and the Zohar says that "The wicked stray after wine" (Midrash Ne'alam Parshat Vayera).

It is well known that the rate of alcoholism among Jews has historically been very low. Numerous medical, psychological and sociological studies have confirmed this. The connection between Judaism and sobriety is so evident, that the following conversation is reported by Lawrence Kelemen in "Permission to Receive":

When Dr. Mark Keller, editor of the Quarterly Journal of Studies on Alcohol, commented that "practically all Jews do drink, and yet all the world knows that Jews hardly ever become alcoholics," his colleague, Dr. Howard Haggard, director of Yale's Laboratory of Applied Physiology, jokingly proposed converting alcoholics to the Jewish religion in order to immerse them in a culture with healthy attitudes toward drinking!

Perhaps we could suggest that it is precisely because of the use of alcohol in traditional ceremonies (Kiddush, Bris, Purim, etc.), that Jews experience such low rates of alcoholism. This ceremonial usage may actually act like an inoculation - i.e. injecting a safe amount that keeps the disease away.

Of course, as we said earlier, all this needs to be monitored with good common sense. Yet in my personal experience - having been in the company of Torah scholars who were totally drunk on Purim - they acted with extreme gentleness and joy. Amid the Jewish songs and beautiful words of Torah, every year the event is, for me, very special.

Adar 12 marks the dedication of Herod's renovations on the second Holy Temple in Jerusalem in 11 BCE. Herod was king of Judea in the first century BCE who constructed grand projects like the fortresses at Masada and Herodium, the city of Caesarea, and fortifications around the old city of Jerusalem. The most ambitious of Herod's projects was the re-building of the Temple, which was in disrepair after standing over 300 years. Herod's renovations included a huge man-made platform that remains today the largest man-made platform in the world. It took 10,000 men 10 years just to build the retaining walls around the Temple Mount; the Western Wall that we know today is part of that retaining wall. The Temple itself was a phenomenal site, covered in gold and marble. As the Talmud says, "He who has not seen Herod's building, has never in his life seen a truly grand building."

Some people gauge the value of themselves by what they own. But in reality, the entire concept of ownership of possessions is based on an illusion. When you obtain a material object, it does not become part of you. Ownership is merely your right to use specific objects whenever you wish.

How unfortunate is the person who has an ambition to cleave to something impossible to cleave to! Such a person will not obtain what he desires and will experience suffering.

Fortunate is the person whose ambition it is to acquire personal growth that is independent of external factors. Such a person will lead a happy and rewarding life.

With exercising patience you could have saved yourself 400 zuzim (Berachos 20a).

This Talmudic proverb arose from a case where someone was fined 400 zuzim because he acted in undue haste and insulted some one.

I was once pulling into a parking lot. Since I was a bit late for an important appointment, I was terribly annoyed that the lead car in the procession was creeping at a snail's pace. The driver immediately in front of me was showing his impatience by sounding his horn. In my aggravation, I wanted to join him, but I saw no real purpose in adding to the cacophony.

When the lead driver finally pulled into a parking space, I saw a wheelchair symbol on his rear license plate. He was handicapped and was obviously in need of the nearest parking space. I felt bad that I had harbored such hostile feelings about him, but was gratified that I had not sounded my horn, because then I would really have felt guilty for my lack of consideration.

This incident has helped me to delay my reactions to other frustrating situations until I have more time to evaluate all the circumstances. My motives do not stem from lofty principles, but from my desire to avoid having to feel guilt and remorse for having been foolish or inconsiderate.

Today I shall...

try to withhold impulsive reaction, bearing in mind that a hasty act performed without full knowledge of all the circumstances may cause me much distress.

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