Oct 2, 2011

A Letter To Umi

Assalamualaikum wbt

Bismillahirahmanirrahim

Dear Umi

Today I had a chance to hold grip Hajar's belly. My friend Hajar, she's pregnant for almost 8 months and she is about to give birth soon. Perhaps, I can't wait for that moment to come. The baby moves at that moment where I put my hand.

MasyAllah, Allah the Almighty.

I can feel how connected I am with Hajar's baby, though it is obviously not mine. That moment umi..at that very moment umi..it brought me to think deep about you at home.

How was everything going on? Will you be ok without me at home?

"O Allah I hope you will always be by Umi's side" my dua' every single day.

Umi,

When you bear the pain of carrying me for 9 months in your belly, did you expect that this daughter which had grown strongly within your womb will someday be a good daughter to you? how much pain you had endured, and yet, I disgracing you in return.

Subhanallah.

Ya Allah please pardon me. O Allah, I repent to only You, pardon me for causing so much pain to Umi.

I always want us to be such a good friend to each other, to share our thoughts mere than just a mother and daughter relationship but beyond that. I always hope that I can be your ears to listen to your every problem and worriness. I hope that I can be the one who wipe your tears, I hope that I can be your shoulder to cry on whenever in saddest or happiest moment of your life. I hope that I can be someone which you can rely on.

I always hope that I can be that daughter to you. I always dreamed it. But never once, that I have my dreams come true.

Instead of working hard to be a good daughter to you, I keep hurting your feeling with my ego, big head and harshness. Will I be able to enter Jannah for this? Astagfirullah al azim.

This past few years, only Allah knows how cold we are towards each other. I feel like I am so far away from you, and silence always fill the empty spaces between us. How can I say, "Dear Umi do you know that I love you? more than I love my ownself"

When abuya is no longer able to support you financially, I saw you working so hard, to raise all of us. I know in some ways this is a burden to a women like you. I know there are times when you had your tears fell..to bear this responsibility alone and to alone raise us financially I know that many times you pretend to be strong in front of us.

When I looked at your feet start to swollen because you have to walk to work, it hurts me Umi, it hurts me a lot. I can't throughout my entire life repay your hardship for raising us up.

You are my only Umi in this world.

You are the only person who share the same blood, air and food with me when I was in your womb.

Dear Umi,

At this very page I told myself that, I will work hard to be a good daughter to you.

O Allah, I seek Your repentance. Please help me to be a good daughter to Umi.