I see my psychiatrist for therapy as well as med management. We are focusing on a lot of those issues - especially the control issues - but somehow, although it helped in the past, it doesn't seem to be helping as much now.Thank you for taking the time to respond.

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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.

I've been binge-eating. Feeling fat, fat, fat. Can't I just be normal? Like not too much either way - just eat without hating the food, eat without feeling guilty, eat normal sizes - not too big and not too small, and keep the food inside...

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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.

Did you say b"h everything is fine because you're relieved you don't have to go IP? because I'm pretty sure bloodwork can come back fine even when everything isn't at all fine :-/But if it's because you're relieved you don't have to go IP I understand that.

I'm feel fat fat fat too Wish I had answers to your questions. It'd help me as well

Another simcha coming up. I should be happy, because simchos are supposed to be so nice. And I guess they are, but I'm just too busy worrying about the food and how much of it there will be, how I won't be able to purge because there'll be far too many people around, how I won't be able to use laxatives because I won't have the time to keep running to the bathroom (sorry for being so graphic). So what will I do? EAT EAT EAT and hate myself for it? Or restrict and nitpick about the little food that I do eat?Aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!I'm seriously at a loss. I just DON'T WANT TO GAIN WEIGHT! I hate it. Why is there such a thing as a scale? I should throw mine out, but I'm far too attached to it. But I seriously hate those numbers. I've gone off topic, and I know it. It's all just an interconnected jumble of the thoughts in my head. I really hope I don't trigger anybody with this, I just so had to get it out. I don't even know if I'll get a chance to read your replies before I go, but I definitely needed this in order to vent. Thanks for "listening."

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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.

I was just thinking about you, downandout, as I was washing dishes in the kitchen. My prayers are with you. I hope that you will soon post your successes! Have patience with yourself, you will overcome this. I hope that you have a good therapist that can help you understand that dieting and purging leads to more dieting and purging, it's a vicious cycle but one that you will G-d willing learn how to stop. You are a valuable person even if you don't like the number on the scale. G-d created you and loves you and wants you to take care of the body He gave you so you can be a good wife and a healthy mother. I hope to read that you are getting better and better. I hope this is encouraging for you!

Leah - it's so nice to hear from you again! You've always been so supportive and caring, and still are.

KLY, so you want to know how it went....

I actually just got back - it was out of town, and I came home last night. That's really why I was so worried - because it was a week's worth of partying. I ate non-stop, hated myself for it, purged a bit, and came home THREE pounds more than I was. So you know what I feel like now, I don't have to write it. But actually, while I was there, I didn't have the scale, and in a way it was really good. Like, I knew I was gaining weight, but because I didn't have a number to put to it, it kind of didn't bother me as much. So I know what I should do now to help myself - get rid of the scale. But I can't. I'm being repetitive, I know I wrote this last time. Only now I realize it so much more, now that I've had a few days without it. So now that the simcha's over with, and now that I've gained the weight, I don't know what to do. I know what I want to do - and that's continue exactly what I was doing before - but I know that's what I should not do. I've actually been trying to help myself recently, by trying to get in touch with Magen Avraham. Has anyone ever been in touch with them? Have they been helpful? So far they haven't returned my call, but I'm hoping they will, and maybe I can get some sort of in-person support then. That's my plan for now.

Thanks for asking.

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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.

I'm not sure exactly what they do, but basically I think they first of all give referrals to various ED specialists - nutritionists, therapist, etc. - plus inpatient or outpatient programs. Also, they have mentors to help you out over the phone just with encouragement and support. I still haven't managed to get in touch with them, so I'm not really sure about the details. In case anyone wants their number, it's 718 222 4321. (Easy enough to remember.)

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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.

I totally get you. That's why I want to get in touch with them. As of now, the only one who knows that I'm having issues right now with my eating is my husband - none of my relatives or friends (well, those are non-existent anyway) knows anything about it. And I'm not about to tell them about it either. My husband tries to be supportive, but because it obviously affects him so much, it's hard for him to look at things from my point of view and realize how hard it is for me to help myself. My p.doc tries to help me, but like you said, there's a limit to how much I can bug her.... (She's my therapist as well as doc)So I hope this is something that will work out and really help me. I don't know though. Does anyone know more about it?

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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!Busy skipping meals, because I'm convincing myself that I'm not supposed to eat - then feeling so starving that I eat as if I'm eating for myself and a set of quintuplets...HATE myself. HATE feeling so fat. HATE seeing the numbers get higher and higher every day.I know, I'm repeating myself. I keep writing the same stuff every day. It's just that that is what I feel, and this is my place to vent.I need someone to talk to about this so badly. No one knows, no one who I know would understand. You don't have to bother replying - it's the same boring stuff again.

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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.

That is what is good about frum support, you can get support from others and know that you are not the only one going through this. Here is a big hug ((((( )))))). Always remember that you are never alone, you have us from frum support and of course you always have G-d who loves you. I think it is funny what you wrote about eating for quintaplets. I call it vacuming out the fridge with my mouth. Have a good shabbos!

Just ate seven BIG pancakes (there's almost nothing left for my husband). Stuffed them down, one after the other. I feel like I have a basketball in my stomach. And I'm going to weigh so much tomorrow morning. I don't know what is with me. I have no control over myself or over my ED. They just totally take me over. Am I going from anorexia to binge-eating?

In other news, I was very brave today. I had a well-visit with my GP, and I told him about my ED. He's going to be on top of it now, with bloodwork, etc. I'm proud of myself that I told him.

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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.

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