the first bloom of perfidy

written by: The Pandorian

We met online through a social networking website and the conversations became so heated with sexual innuendos I just had to meet him in person. When we met, we took off our clothes and he sucked me with such skill and hunger, I could not believe such an obsession with pleasure could be a gift for me. It inspired me to do the same.

I allowed him to turn me over and pump me until he was exhausted and happy. I felt his sweat on my back, dripping on my neck and I said to myself: ‘Well done, man!’ After he throbbed inside me I made him sit on me and I knew I would cause pain with my member. The sadist in me could see his expression change and his moans and whimpers gave me immense satisfaction. He reached behind to touch me and know how deeply I had penetrated him. I was inside him and waited patiently until he got used to me.

His almost hairless slim body fit wonderfully when I embraced him from behind to take a short nap. After we woke up, I felt the sting of regret. I walked home and I knew I would lie about this meeting. I knew I would lie because I wanted to return to that small flat where he lived and loved me.

No, I could not fit a square object into the space cut out like a heart. I felt my own tears on my hands as I lay in bed and that was how I learned I have a moral compass that guides me. I must not harm another human being.

Many years later, my point of view about sex would change, but I burned with the shame I felt and after confessing it, I felt free again. Knowing myself is a lifelong journey.