Tuesday, March 15, 2016

You Down With DST? Uh...NO!

Yes. Yes it is.

There are undoubtedly things that can be saved. For instance:A seat at a band concert. Sometimes for an actual person. And sometimes for a mystery person who never shows up. Because you really like your personal space.Money. You can do this by waiting for a movie to hit the discount theatre. Or by buying Marshmallow Mateys & Dr. Shasta. Or by living somewhere devoid of a Ross. Or a Target. (Note: Do NOT do this by purchasing Little Debbies. Or 1-ply toilet paper.)Energy. By binge-watching Netflix in bed. Instead of cleaning. Or laundry. Or moving.Gasoline. By never going anywhere that isn't absolutely necessary (see above). Or isn't at least 20 degrees warmer. Shoes. By owning so many pairs, that none of them ever wear out.Water. By turning off the tap while you brush your teeth. Or showering with Gerard Butler, if he happens to stop by, instead of taking two separate showers.However, there are also things that cannot be saved. For example:Candy. Because your children will find it. No matter what. No. Matter. What.Soda. (see Candy) To paraphrase: No mountain high enough.Restaurant Leftovers. Because your husband will eat them. Without fail. And insist he did you a favor because "they were going bad."Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream. (see Restaurant Leftovers)Daylight. You can call it whatever you want. Daylight cannot be saved. Daylight Saving Time serves absolutely no earthly purpose. Like the Kardashians. But even more insidious. Because I don't lose sleep over the Kardashians. Only my faith in humanity. Which I can afford to lose. I cannot, however, afford to lose sleep. Neither can I handle having to wake up children whose tiny little bodies feel like it's an hour earlier than the clock says. BECAUSE IT IS! But who still won't go to bed any earlier because it seems too light outside. BECAUSE IT IS!I tried to do a little research on how and why it all started. But it was too complex. And taking too long (see Energy.) It was almost as perplexing as the concept itself. I don't get it. I hate it. By some miracle of science & solstices & equinoxes & Earth's rotation & revolution, the days already get longer. ALL BY THEMSELVES! We have more hours of sunlight in the spring and summer than we do in the fall and winter. AUTOMATICALLY! It's amazing. And yet. That's somehow not good enough. WHY??? I don't know.A bill to put an end to DST has been proposed in Utah on multiple occasions. But it never passes. The groups opposed to it? The Utah Farm Bureau. (Because they like waking up when it's darker and colder?) Ski Utah. (Because people ski at 8 o'clock at night? Ever??) And the Utah Golf Association. (Aren't 89% of golfers in bed by 7? Watching reruns of Bonanza?)The people in favor? Everyone else. Parents. Children. Educators. Regular human beings.Just another reason to move to Arizona. Or Hawaii.Spring forward? I don't wanna. You spring forward.