After two failed marriages and one failed “career” Kim Kardashian is regrouping. The woman who was planning to get off birth control mere months ago is now no longer interested in something so time consuming and selfless as motherhood or marriage, as she has other things to do – like work out! Hey, she’s only got a few years before her most valuable assets really start to go south – and we know she’s not going to be relying on any personality points to pull her through!

Kimmie Kakes appeared on the most recent cover of Allure Magazine (in what I’m sure is going to be their worst selling issue to date, because what is alluring about Kim?), decked out in a bikini bottom and rope for a “shipwrecked” theme. Personally, I think she looked a little more Walking Dead than shipwrecked, which is ironic given that she has the personality of a zombie!

In the accompanying interview, Kimmie talked life post divorce round two and claims her third marriage won’t be televised because no one is willing to donate promotional items or buy any photos this time. Kim says her most recent matrimonial mistake, “definitely made me want to be more private with my relationship, whenever I choose to get into one again.”

“When I saw Khloé [Kardashian]and Lamar [Odom] get married—and they had their wedding on TV—I thought, Oh, my gosh, that’s so exciting! That’s what I want! If you were to ask me now, that’s not what I want,” she expects us to believe.

Kim claims watching the demise of her marriage on Kourtney and Kim Take New York was difficult. “Is it tough to watch [the show]? Yeah. Tough to see an unhappy time in your life,” she describes. “Will I be more private of a person? Am I more guarded? Absolutely,” Kim says of lessons learned. “But, also, I’m a firm believer that my show is who I am.”

As for dating, Kim reveals,”I’m not ready, but when that time comes, I’ll be more cautious about who I let my world open up to.” Kim denies dating anyone despite being recently spotted having lunch with Reggie Bush.

Another thing Kimmie isn’t ready to contemplate? Having babies, despite what she’s been saying for years. Apparently she had some sort of a reality check about how self-absorbed she is. “Do I want kids of my own? Absolutely,” she explains. “But I don’t know if that’s what’s meant for me. Maybe I’ll just work, work, work, and not think about it.…I think I have a couple more years when I just want my body to myself. At 35, I promise I’ll consider it.” Yeah, maybe work on having a real relationship first.

“Khloé joked with me and said, ‘Will you be my surrogate?’,” Kim discloses. Which is somewhat sad. I hope Khloe is able to conceive!

Moving on to what I like to call sweet poetic justice, Kris Humprhries is mad–suing mad–and he is not about to let any man get ensnared in the Kardashian famewhore trap again! Previous reports have stated Kris wants to take Kim to court to publicly expose their fraudulent marriage AND he wants to sue her for refusing to return several hundred thousand dollars worth of wedding gifts.

Now a new report from Life & Style claims he is also suing pimpmomager Kris Jenner because she failed to represent his interests equally, citing breach of fiduciary duty! If you recall, shortly after Kim and Kris tied the knot he hired his mother-in-law as his manager, but that relationship ended when Kim filed for divorce.

During her brief stint as his manager, Kris believes Kris J gave Kim preferential treatment when she was supposed to be brokering deals for the newlyweds as a couple. Instead of marketing them equally, Kris was focusing most of her energy on Kim – who is the family cashcow! “When you have two clients, they’re supposed to be treated equally,” an insider explains. “It was a conflict of interest.”

Kris’ attorney, Lee Hutton reveals their strategy, “We’re going to let litigation take its course. We plan to fully pursue all legal options.” Oh, Kardashians – you reap what you sow!

Finally, since Kimmie is still very single, the thirty-one-year-old recently vacationed alone, save for the paparazzi who photographed her ambling along the beach lost in thought. Well, at least that’s how she hopes she looks!

Apparently the impending court case exposing all her shams is really starting to stress Kim out! “Kim feels like she’s trapped in a nightmare that just won’t end,” a friend of hers shares. “Every time she thinks things are getting better, something awful happens and she goes back into a pit of depression.” A photo of Kim single and in a bikini is below!

THOUGHTS ON KIM’S INTERVIEW? IS SHE BEING HONEST OR JUST TELLING THE PUBLIC WHAT THEY WANT TO HEAR? DOES KRIS HAVE A RIGHT TO SUE KRIS OR IS HE JUST BEING SPITEFUL?

CLICK THE CONTINUE READING BUTTON TO SEE PHOTOS FROM KIM’S ALLURE SHOOT!

Kim’s Allure Cover! Why does she look like a zombie?

Stranded with Kimmie = Hell.

Three Things Kim Would Want On A Desert Island: her make up bag, a push up bra, and botox.

Kim caught in her bikini “hiding” out in Miami! [Photo Credit: Life & Style]