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Thursday, October 1, 2009

This is getting painful. It’s been a month since you got any action whatsoever and you’re starting to forget what dome feels like. After a summer of slayings that would make the Son of Sam proud, you’ve been shut out all semester. The worst part is that all your bros are taking down slam pieces left and right, one of them even banged 3 girls during an all day #68 tailgate rager. This must be what it’s like to go through chemo. Your confidence is shot, but after yelling slogans at yourself in the mirror for a few minutes and absolutely crushing a #43 red bull, you’re ready to hit the town. Tonight there are no excuses. You are getting laid. For one night only, standards don’t exist. It’s time to find the Slump Buster.

Fact: bros have been on hot streak since the day they hit puberty. However, there comes a time in every bro’s life where no matter what he does, he can’t get laid. Delusional thoughts start to arise in their heads such as, “Will I ever get laid again?” “Have I peaked?” and worst of all “Maybe I should start going out on dates.” If you ever begin to have these irrational thoughts, step back, take a deep breath, and realize it’s going to be all right. There are many of God’s creations, such as marriage, non-alcoholic beer, and bro-haters, which really make me question his intentions. For the longest time I thought another one of God’s creation abortions was fat girls. I was wrong to doubt him. For all the shit that bros give fat ugly chicks, which for the most part is well deserved, they still can serve a purpose. Not only do they make you appreciate hot girls, but they also serve their most important function in society - making bros feel better about themselves. Sure, deep down, bros don’t mind banging fat chicks – but as the saying goes, “Fat chicks are like mopeds – fun to ride until your friends find out.” So how do bros hide their slump buster?

Disguise – Playing wingman is perhaps the most effective way to escape your drought. Say you and your bro are at the bar when you spot a fucking vixen across the room. Even though she hot as shit, she’ll undoubtedly have low self-esteem, therefore she’ll have some fat pig with her. Assure your bro that it’s his turn for the hot slut and that you’ll play wingman with the “grenade.” By jumping on the grenade, not only do you bust your slump, but no one can make fun of you AND you get a shitload of bro points for helping your bro bang the hottie.

Alcohol – In case you haven’t noticed, bros love getting fucked up. One of the greatest things about getting fucked up is that you can blame anything you do on the fact that you were drunk. Say you took a dump in your roommate’s trashcan. All you need to say is, “Sorry man, I was really fucked up last night,” and there is nothing he can say to you. How fucking amazing is that? Anyways, the point is that say you banged a heffer who would fit in better in a Chick-Fil-A ad than around other normal looking people, by saying you were too fucked up to remember anything you get the benefit of the doubt. Sure, your bros will give you shit for a while, but everyone does dumb shit when they’re fucked up so eventually they will forgive your crime against nature.

Hoggin’ – Hoggin' is a fairly secretive bro tradition, especially to girls, but it does exist. This refers to when a group of bros get together at the beginning of the night, ready to go out, get fucked up and pound some slam pieces, when one of them raises the idea “We could go hogging tonight.” Initially this is said as a joke, only to gauge the reaction, but often times this will end up being the plan. Everyones goals: go out and bang a fat girl, fattest one wins. Often bros will be too distracted by the hot girls who are trying to bang them to waste any time on the lower forms of life, but usually one of your bros ends up with a porker. I can’t think of a better example than from my junior year at The College. We found my bro walking around the cafeteria on a Wednesday afternoon, wearing the same shit he had on the night before and reeking of fat girl.

“Dude, what happened to you last night?”
“Me and my fraternity brothers went out hogging, or at least I thought we did. They didn’t go home with anyone, but I did.”
“Well how’d she look?”
I’ll never forget the hollow look in his eyes. It was as if the slump buster had just eaten his soul as if it was double-cheesy bread from one of her patented late night feasts when he gave the response of “Bad.”

He didn’t go into further detail, but going to a school where 85% of #59 sororities could easily be classified as “the fat sorority,” I knew she must have been heinous. As it turned out he had to lie to his fraternity who called him out because she was so disgusting and told them she had just tried to kiss him. The worst part for him and the best part for me occurred when a couple girls from her sorority approached him. They asked if he had banged her. Of course he denied it. They immediately replied, “I knew she was lying – nobody would ever want to hook up with that.” A girl so heinously ugly that not even her own “sisters for life” would believe any man would want her. Wow. Needless to say he never heard the end of it. Even though he refused to ever point her out, we imagined that she had the body of Ursula from “The Little Mermaid” (including tentacles) with Popeye Jones’s face. God I love slump busters.

65 comments:

shaquille bro'neal
said...

I have to disagree with this post. I'm sorry, I don't go hogging for sport.

On a side note, a few years back, there was a girl with a t rex arm that used to come to frat parties and it was always a big joke who would hook up with her, one night it was a bet who could get jerked off by her t rex arm. Yea one of the bros did, lights on.

How about a post on the anti-slump buster, aka the streak inflator. Example: "I brought back three slam pieces last week but haven't gotten laid in three days; time to keep this momentum going with a streak inflator." These can have similar characteristics to the slump buster but are usually more slore than slampig.

While it is fuckin hilarious when your bro ends a slump with a heffer, I would not go home with one. I like to give them false hope and then crush their dreams by insulting their weight, intelligence, or maybe clothes they are wearing

I got completely shitfaced one night and pounded a fat girl. The next morning, I made the biggest mistake of my life- I took her out to breakfast. Turned out, she was a pretty awesome chick. We dated, got engaged, then I relized- WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING?

I then told her she was fat & dumped her! I then went into a slump and how did I break out? I fucked her again!

Speaking on behalf of really skinny, pretty, rich slampieces, I would like to say that sometimes I accidentally fuck fat guys...like DUFF's because they're really nice to me and im sorta hammered. I sometimes consider it rape. Like this one time, this guy was going down on me for breakfast, lunch, dinner, and fourth meal...and i wouldnt even let him kiss me because I'm better than him, but i enjoy eaties so i told him he had to lose at least a hundred lbs before he could fuck me, but eaties were free. anyway, i look back at this now, and i realize there is absafuckinglutely no good reason to fuck a fatty. c'mon bros, there's horny slampieces everywhere...and we're two of them, nude in bed...holler. oktoberfest....we'll be there, fuck ya later players.

All u brosers out there saying its not sweet to bang fat chicks need to re examine yourselves. Throw a fit chick in the mix every now and then to keep things interesting. Expand your horizons. C- chicks are always the best bangs and it should get u bro points cuz its funny as shit and u can totally degrade them (not that u can't degrade dimes as well). Obviously there are exceptions to every rule and sometimes a bro will cross the line and fuck a chick that u can't even laugh at. This can easily be corrected tho by simply punching him in the face and like kevin oshea from the little giants he'll thank u in the morning. Banging C- chicks during the day at a public venue is usually the best way to take care of business. I'm not hating on u bros for putting this post down I'm just trying to open ur minds. -big country

I agree with your statement about Hoggin', only the part where we tell everyone in my fraternity we're going Hoggin just to get some guys to hook up with the fattiest and ugliest chicks, than make fun of them for it. We had about 15 to 20 of the creatures around waiting for some frat brother to make the mistake of his life and be egged on by his bro's... the Bro's here get the slam pieces but the only dudes who aren't bro's get to get the porker/sea creature

But there are always those nights when you get to fucked up and you wake up to something you wished you didnt hook up with.... good post

Definitely agree with NOVA-Bro. Fat chicks always suck the best dick because it is a rarity for them to actually see one, so they like to give it their best in hopes they get to see it again. I would never kiss a fat chick or fuck one with the lights on/during the day unless i was blacked out, and I would still have to be hammered none the less.

Damn right. In hoc. No joke. Let's be real. Fucking fat chicks is the worst thing ever. Worst. But it happens, but what identifies a true bro is that he wakes up from his black out and sees his cock in a porker and just gets up and leaves and before he is out the door he has a pledge on the way and pees in her shoes by the door.

we had a 1on1 mixer last night. nothing bonds a pledge class like sitting them all down, reminding them that theyre a piece of shit, and making them all hit on Free Willy in the corner until one of those fucks caves.

NYB, i like the post - some of our fellow bros need to get off their high horses and humble themselves down a little - if someone on here is claiming they've never/or would never fuck (or get blown by) a fat chick, they are lying, i dont care how BRO you are, everyone has been there... bros who need to lie about their sexcapades (aka saying they have only smashed 9's or better) are usually full of shit, and bros who lie are actually not bro at all - bros who need to lie to impress other bros are probably the biggest bro haters of them all actually... like most bros, i do pretty well for myself, but like every other bro out there, cold streaks happen... accept it

plus i feel that by banging a fat chick, no matter how much they might enjoy it (they have to savor it bc they never know when they'll get it again) you are really just still degrading them - they cant possibly believe that a bro would LIKE them, or be sexually attracted to them - deep down inside they know they were just used and abused by a bro - but thats ok because not only do "all women love to be degraded, they crave it..." -Dick Masterson

I busted the shit out of a slump last summer. I picked up this sloppy drunk slampig and took her back to my bro pad. Her snatch stunk real bad, but I fucked her anyway. Frat.

I looked at my watch and realized it was only midnight, so I told her my buddy needed a ride from the bar and that I had to go pick him up. Instead I went back to the bar, posted up on a barstool and stayed til last call. This chick I worked with was there and wanted to "smoke some weed" aka get boned. So we were heading back to my place when I realized that the slampig from before was still passed out in my bed. I dropped the girl off to get her weed and left her so I could kick the other girl out of my house. I lied to her and told her that my little brother got arrested and that I had to go pick him up. She was like "I'll just crash here." Yeah right. I dropped her off at McDonald's and had her call her friend to pick her up.

So I went back to the other chick's house and decided I'd just bone her there. I went in to the bathroom to wash my dick off (because the first chick's pussy stunk so bad) but her bathroom door was broke and wouldn't close all the way. I made her blow me. God my dick smelled so bad and she put it in her mouth. Being a bro is the shit.

Sigma Chis are cool. They are part of the Miami Triad with my fraternity, Beta Theta Pi. We get a really bad rap on our campus though. Most of the campus thinks we are fags but we still get down on hot slam pieces. We have the most guys of any of the fraternities on campus and give out the most bids because EVERYONE wants to be us. It's downright ridiculous how jealous the other fraternities are of our total bro status.

sigma chi's were our neighbors. They made national news my senior year for doing dunkaroo's with their pleebs. Bro Kings.

I took a fattie (more like midwest thick but in Phoenix thats fucking fat) to pound town in high school because i wanted to drive her car. Her old man used to work on dragster or some shit and she had a 71 Cuda which she wouldn't let me drive even after i gave her the good dick because i was hammered. fucking idiot.

Whatever dudes. We don't have any Sig Chis on our campus and frat chapters are different everywhere you go. Every university we have ever visited as a fraternity with Sigma Chis on campus has been totally chill. They might be rivals in some places, but we really don't have rivals because rivalries tend to be even matches and we are clearly the most bro fraternity so there is not even a close match. If you fags who hate want to test us on that shit come to Truman State University and getcha some.

One of my bros had the best slump buster ever. He brought back a hog one night and railed her like any bro in a slump. He pissed the bed and did what any bro would do, got up real quick changed and blamed it on her. Then he made her change the sheets and make all the bros breakfast. An instant bro-classic

heffers make up for their extra gravitational pull with an immense love for sucking porksword. fatties eat that shit like it was chicken pot pie, makes an excellent slumpbust. you can always bag a bitch too. bros do what bros gotta do: fuck TOYS.

He won 2 titles and that was at Florida not UNC, fuckin moron. Now he's a bust and a joke. Why on earth would Rick PitinBRO would be a better name you down syndrome faggot. "Go back to your world of war craft" seems to be a default comeback for all you bras. Come up with something a little better and get your facts straight. Have fun slamin ur slamdudes in the bum bromo.

You obviously know soooo much about sports man. Since Noah won 3 titles at UNC right? And Pitino is just an old shitty coach... yep. I guess being one of the winingest coaches and Fuckin a young slampiece at a resturaunt, then getting her pregnant and paying for an abortion isnt bro. Dungeons & dragons, that must be one of your other default comebacks. You are so awesome man! I bet you fuck all the hottest blow up dolls! You Rock Bro!

One time I was fucking hammered and needed to do some slumpbusting. Took this wildebeest home from the bar who wanted dick so bad that she wanted to fuck me out in public on the walk home. Bros love to fuck in public places, but they don't want to show the world they're fucking a fatty. Back at the frat house after I finished up with the bitch at 4AM I told her to get the fuck home. There was no way I was letting my bros see that hog walk out of my room in the morning. Bros are the shit.

The Best thing a Bro can do when in slump is just got to a football game and get a bra fucked pup and make sexual bets about the score of the game and other dumb shit. Bra's always fall for the stuipd bets that are put out there and don't feel like sluts when they Fuck you cause they won or lost a bet eather way it's a when for the Bro. Trust me it works ever time. Your welcom Bro's cause thats what we do for each other.

First of all... fat chicks like pizza. Second of all, that is all. I'm shit tanked, pretending to be writing an "important Email" so this hole that I stuffed this afternoon will leave my room. Bro fourth.

Fuck all the bro-haters who are rippin on Sigma Chi. I'm assuming you are all just jealous because we slay slam-pieces 10x hotter than you do. Also, seeing as this shit is written by a Sig Chi Alum and you all follow this shit religiously it is fucking clear who the true bro-kings are. We are the original fucking bro's. Bro haters just try to imitate our ways.

What the Fuck, that youtube video is some dicusting shit. I couldn't even watch that fucking shit. I might use it for fucking rush week for those bitches we call pledges. Sorry NYB I gotta disagree porkos are so fucking gross, even if i get fucked up my Bros would defnitly not let me go anywhere with a fucking Blob from outer space. But porkos do make you appreciate the slam pieces all around you.