9 up, 9 down

Whizzer sees it all, inning-by-inning

July 11, 2003

Ever since these eager-to-please baseball players started throwing baseballs into the stands at the end of each half inning, it's killed my games of Mound-ball. This is why I now wager on the news of an inning instead of whether or not the stupid ball stays on the stupid mound. And even though this year's All-Star game means something to each league, here is my insider's guide to hedge your bets and make the game more interesting. Feel free to make your own, not that anyone cares to read them.

And by the way, NFL exhibition games kick off in less than a month.

Pre-game ceremony

William Ligue Jr. (below) throws out the first pitch and is immediately tackled and roundly pummeled by every MLB mascot. The Phillie Phanatic motions to all that there's nothing to see here so keep it moving. Meanwhile, Air Force jets fly over the stadium and Mayor Richard Daley immediately phones Homeland Security to complain about the small size of the squadron.

1st inning

NL batter Todd Helton (right) is spotted caulking his bat.

Half his teammates want to correct him, the other half rush to Home Depot.

2nd inning

Fox announcers remind viewers that the league that wins this game gets home-field advantage in the World Series. Viewers in Tampa Bay all shrug in unison, then click over to catch a rerun of the 2001 World's Strongest Man Competition. Bonus tip: Put your money on Svend Karlsen. The man is monster strong.

3rd inning

Going out on a limb here, but my prediction is nothing of interest will happen in the third inning. You may ask, "How do I know this?" And I would reply, "Don't ever question me like that in public again. Ever."

4th inning

NL third baseman Scott Rolen (below) will make a dive for a foul ball and land in the stands. Since he's there, he'll buy three churros: one for himself, one for the third-base coach and one for the ump. Keep it fair, keep it fair.

This will be a big offensive inning for the NL squad, and not because Darren Baker (right) wore too much cologne again. The NL will build a commanding lead, but not so commanding that they start to consider putting in anyone from the Padres. Remember: This game has meaning.

7th inning

During the singing of "Take Me Out to the Ball Game," Cubs fans will use the words "Root, root, root for the Cubbies," Sox fans will sing "Root, root, root for the White Sox," and then utter hell will break loose, the likes of which you have never seen.

8th inning

Commissioner Bud Selig (below) confers with the umpires and decides to call it a tie game before he is reminded 1) The NL leads 12-3 and 2) It's still the 8th inning.

9th inning

The AL's Nomar Garciaparra (below) ignites a 10-run rally when he calls his shot to center field, then bunts his way on for a single, just like Ahmad Abdul Rahim in the highly underrated "The Bad News Bears in Breaking Training." AL catcher Ramon Hernandez pulls off an unassisted triple play even though instant replays can't explain how he got to second base so quickly.

Final score: AL 13, NL 12

MVP: Since 1980, a catcher has won five times. You want to say "Po-say-da," I want to say "Po-SA-da," but let's instead say, "Congrats to Oakland's Ramon Hernandez." Winner of next year's Academy Award for Best Actress: Nicole Kidman in "Cold Mountain."