Blog

It feels as though I have been coming to terms with a lot of things in my life lately. Big changes have been taking place in my life - by my own doing and by the actions and choices of others. My ex moved out of my house and I moved back home for the summer. We are having trouble navigating our relationship, because now we are no longer roommates. The friendship is not one out of necessity, and since I am no longer forced to interact, I am finding it difficult to want to spend any time with him at all. I know that he is heartbroken, but the choice to move out was his. The breakup that transpired was supposed to be mutual. I don't think I should be feeling guilty for not wanting a friendship with him - our relationship ended for a reason, he was toxic in my life. I don't think his influence would be any different just as friends. I was honestly so relieved when he decided to move out; it was as though a huge weight had been lifted. The months of strain caused by living with an ex is not something I want to ever experience again. Since moving back home for the summer, I am faced with a new challenge. I moved back hoping to get closer to my younger sister. Living three hours away has made it difficult to be close. She is currently in a very happy relationship - in fact, her boyfriend is my roommate. My relationship with my sister has been seriously strained.

I will admit that I am an individual who lives for nostalgia. I romanticize the past. I miss being close to my sister and not having to share her. She was always my biggest confidant. But now, I feel like I am forced to face things completely on my own. Being alone scares the shit out of me! There, I admit it. I am scared shitless of being alone with myself and my own thoughts. I've never been someone who surrounded herself with lots of friends. I have always confided in my sister and in whomever I was dating. I am realizing that I use people as crutches. I am scared to dig deeply into my own psyche. What if I don't like the person I am? I think I use my sister and my significant other as crutches because those individuals are a bit biased. They are emotionally obligated to love me no matter what I throw their way. And in turn, I realize that I treat these people like shit. And furthermore, I never actually fully open up to them. I expose fragments of myself to paint a full picture for them. But no one, no one gets the full me. I don't even know who she is.

Since I am finding myself in the most alone state I have ever been in this summer, I am using this time for self-reflection. I am determined to find myself and nurture my spirit. Years of conformity and withheld information has tarnished the inner workings of my being. I feel like a corrupted computer file. I have years of incorrectly written code to sort through. It is a running joke in my family that I am going to end up old and alone. I don't want to be alone (see above deep seeded fear of being alone). I am aware, that I will end up alone if I don't find out who I actually am and what I truly desire out of life. Love is about vulnerability and I have never been one to allow myself to be vulnerable. I am scared of opening up to people, especially new people. I've clung too tightly to the past. I have romanticized past loves. I have villainized past loves. I am always putting blame on other people. My feelings of loneliness stem from me and me alone. I could not allow myself to be exposed. Exposure is weakness. I have a fighter's mentality - strike first, as questions later. I know that I can come on too strongly to people who do not know me. I know I am a very misunderstood person and that is largely because I barely know who the true me is. I will find her though (I am developing a certain set of skills haha).

When I look at my own reflection, I want to see someone who is confident and self-aware. In order to do that, I can no longer suppress aspects of my being and I can't ignore the messages my brain sends me. I am determined to break down the hard exterior I have built around myself. I want to be vulnerable. I want to feel. Truly feel. In the past, especially with love, I always thought loving someone less than they loved you was power. It is actually just weakness. I want to love people completely and unafraid. I am aware this will make me an easy target for heartbreak and disappointment, but maybe that's a good thing. Maybe I need to feel emotions I have avoided for as long as I can remember. I struggle with empathy and sympathy - those emotions are for weak minded people (or so I thought). My resolution for the summer to come to terms with being alone and allow vulnerability into my life. Once I let my guard down, maybe wonderful things will enter my life. Only time will tell. But, for the first time in my life, I feel in control. The choices I make from here on out will not be based in fear or secrecy - they will all stem from my desire to live my life as authentically as I possibly can.