A Party For the Rest of Us

Election Day is coming ever closer—rather like a distant, staggering figure that nevertheless will have you cornered and surrounded in minutes—and frankly it can’t come soon enough. The constant name-calling and mud-slinging is enough to put a zombie off her brains. (And by the way if it’s a legitimate devouring, your brain has ways of shutting down yada yada you know the rest of the joke.) You know that politics have gotten ugly when a bloodthirsty undead monster is saying, “Whoa, now, let’s take a step back here.”

Since my little shamblers are home-schooled, I’ve had a great time teaching them about the democratic process. We’re learning about the differences between Democrats and Republicans, the electoral process, and why it’s always safe to eat anyone who uses the words “socialist,” “fascist,” “communist,” and “Muslim” in the same sentence to describe the same person. It’s been a constant temptation to abuse my parental powers in the name of education. I had to bite my tongue—and damn near took it off—when my older son asked, “So who’s the good guys and who’s the bad guys?”

The answer, of course, isn’t that simple. There are morons on both sides. The problem is that anyone with the money and drive necessary to become President shouldn’t be allowed anywhere near the job. And that’s why I propose the start of the Undead Party.

It’s the best of all possible worlds. We won’t need half the funding of the average candidate, because press will never be a problem. All a zombie has to do is pop some bath salts and bite someone’s face off and he gets instant headlines for weeks. Zombies are inherently tireless, so one zombie can canvass an entire neighborhood without stopping for a break. In fact, eating on the go is what we’re best at. Also, the undead are NEVER ignored. Have you ever been approached by a stranger with a clipboard, and you just looked the other way and pretended they weren’t there? That has never happened to a zombie. Ever.

A minimalist campaign strategy means we won’t own anyone any favors after getting elected. Which means that we’re free to create our own platform. Here are a few ideas I’ve been kicking around:

Abortion. Since zombies have nonfunctioning reproductive systems, I see no reason why we should involve ourselves with the reproductive rights of others. Let’s leave that up to the breathers and their doctors.Welfare. If breathers don’t eat, we don’t eat. It doesn’t get much simpler than that.The Environment. If breathers don’t breathe, we don’t eat. See above.

The Undead Party: Because the only certainties in life are death and taxes. Let’s make sure everyone pays their fair share.