Month: February 2014

Justin Bieber was caught smoking weed in 2013 and has been hospitalized for a “wax” overdose

INTERNET — Justin Bieber was hospitalized Thursday after taking what his friends described as an “astounding dose of wax,” the ultimate purified form of marijuana. Bieber was declared brain dead on arrival and Dr. Troubador of Los Santos Hospital told reporters, “There is almost no chance Bieber will come out of the coma, but we’re still hopeful. We are asking fans not to assemble outside of the hospital as this may impede emergency vehicles.”

Photos of Bieber’s out of control marijuana habits were published earlier this year on famed celebrity news site TMZ. Police seized Bieber’s Escalade Wednesday, finding a massive stash of the potent wax.

Dr. Troubador told the press, “For a long time people have considered cannabis a ‘gateway drug’, dangerous only for its ability to make young people crave a harder buzz, like that of heroin or crack. But we’re going to have to reassess this point of view now that wax manufacturers are stepping up production of this very dangerous and even potentially fatal drug. Every day we have hundreds of wax addicts wheeled into the emergency room, totally brain dead. Marijuana is not a gateway drug anymore. Wax is the most dangerous drug on the streets. Bieber is just another young life stolen by the insidious weed byproduct.”

Cololo, credited as the last original meme creator, died last year leaving the Internet deprived of novelty.

INTERNET — A controversial new study which incorporated all the data of the internet over the course of the last decade, graciously provided by the NSA, has led Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador to make a startling conclusion. According to Troubador, no new culture has been created in two years, and any art which appears ‘new’ was created before what he calls the “cultural peak” two years ago.

Dr. Troubador told reporters, “Starting with just the corpus of text out there, we quickly found that two years ago there was a ‘tipping point’ where every possible song, poem, or novel had already been written. Then we looked at music, and saw that all the melodies had been mapped out at that same time. We looked at videos and images and found the same thing again. Even all the possible intergenre mashups and recombinations were exhausted. We even found our own study, written word for word by spam bots.”

However, Dr. Cecilia Darwin criticized Dr. Troubador’s methods, saying, “This collection of data only confirms what we already suspected, and the premise of Angstrom’s analysis is faulty. Sure, there is a multitude of information so vast that every imaginable combination of symbols has already been set down somewhere on the internet, by spam bots as much as by humans, but to presume that this has somehow exhausted ‘novelty’ is only true in the narrowest sense. The symbols have to be interpreted or inscribed with meaning, and this is an ongoing and never ending genesis.”

The world’s second tallest building, the Burj Khalifa, was destroyed by the impact of seven hijacked intercontinental spaceplanes.

DUBAI — The Christian fundamentalist extremist terror organization “God’s Foundation,” led by Jamie Jo Horne, crashed seven hijacked spaceplanes into the Burj Dubai, the world’s second largest skyscraper. Officials say “Hundreds of thousands” were evacuated only to be crushed by falling debris.

Erech Al-Ansur, mayor of Dubai, told reporters at an emergency press conference, “Twelve other buildings seem to have disappeared underneath the mountainous pile of twisted metal and concrete which is approximately the size of twenty Pyramids of Giza and covers three square miles. Rescue efforts will continue for the foreseeable future. Today is perhaps the worst disaster in human history in terms of brute terror and also in terms of numbers killed. Over a million may have died today.”

The high-speed intercontinental passenger spaceplanes hijacked by God’s Foundation were filled with liquid oxygen which may have flash frozen structural beams before combining with other fuels and igniting. According to expert Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, “These fuels burn at temperatures which approach a supernova-like cosmic event.”

Videos of poor and downtrodden Americans in the streets waving tattered American flags in celebration were played on news stations across the Arab world, prompting the Islamic Federated Union’s Ayatollah Khamman the Great to announce, “We will smoke Jamie Jo Horne out of her Appalachian cave systems and rain hell on her organization. Christian Fundamentalist Terror is a threat to the stability of the world, and peaceful nations of the world stand behind us in the ongoing war on Christian terror.”

INTERNET — The world’s second most famous whistleblower, Chelsea Manning, and the hacker snitch who ratted her out, Adrian Lamo, reconciled in a passionate conjugal visit at the disciplinary barracks in Fort Leavenworth, Texas on Tuesday evening.

Manning disclosed her work with Wikileaks to Lamo in famous and tragic chat logs which are believed to have led to Manning’s subsequent torture and indefinite detention.

Manning wrote, in a letter addressed to the public, “I know Lamo deceived me. I trusted him like a priest at a confessional, but he turned me in. I still love him and forgive him. I get marriage proposals every day, and to be honest I just can’t trust any of my so-called fans. They don’t know me like Adrian — they think I’m some kind of a saint — and they just say whatever they think will make me happy . . . It may be his fault that I got caught when I did, but I was going to get caught sooner or later . . . Adrian doesn’t worship me, and right now that is the most valuable and rare thing in the world. If no one can understand this, I don’t care.”

INTERNET — Every day, you go to work and consider it a privilege. In fact, you pay your bosses for what you have always considered a service. It’s fun to go to work.

You work for a few different bosses, depending on your tastes, but they are all sprawling monopolies that have usually cornered more than just one market.

Meanwhile, the invisible widgets you don’t know you are churning out are the hot product in the world’s fastest growing industry, easily worth trillions to your bosses each year.

Only a handful of your fellow workers are getting paid for their work, and if they are, the bosses don’t even tell them their wages. In fact, pay rates are a “trade secret” that change according to their whims, rules that are never disclosed. Speaking about pay in public is grounds for immediate termination.

The widgets you’re creating are made up of the ever-increasing wake of data and metadata left behind when you chat with friends on your favorite social media site, play a video game, watch videos, or order a book of medieval epic poetry.

It seems as if you are on the receiving end of great boons: Discount video games, books, and endless streams of movies that cost nothing or next to nothing. Isn’t it just too good to be true?

What has happened, likely without your noticing it, is that the harvest of your digital wake — your invisible widgets and labor — now easily pays for the negligible overhead needed for internet businesses to operate. Also, there’s the obscene profits.

You are paying to go to work for internet monopolies when you deserve to be paid.

As automation replaces jobs and increasingly leaves even educated young people with no hope for employment, it seems the one great light left for those starving and jobless because of things such as super-efficient combine harvesters is the production of data and metadata.

Like industrialization at the turn of the century, this informationalization of the economy has lead to monstrous exploitation which must be exposed and corrected. Unlike industrialization with its overworked children and terrifying factory floors, there is instead a sweet and pleasant dream overlaying the invisible exploitation and violence.

Edward Snowden has uncovered some ramifications of this informationalization with his revelations on the NSA. The major response from Snowden supporters has been to pull out of big data’s gaze with the use of cryptography. This view places the focus overwhelmingly on the rights of the individual, which must at all costs be preserved. Any of the potential sociological or valid security benefits possible with big data collection by government are in this view too often altogether discarded or ignored.

Rather than dismantle mass data collection, as Luddite textile artisans smashed mechanical looms, the informationalized economy must be democratized. Bosses need to pay their workers a fair wage and keep children off of factory floors. Collective bargaining and organization — a careful move away from the overburdened and even fetishistic emphasis on individual rights — can and will pave the way for new utopian dreams.

With a fried voice and look of stoned desperation in her eyes, Trail Boss Jamie Jo Corne delivered new orders Tuesday to her rapidly-growing cult following.

Corne commands her collective to delay the Washington Bull Party Plan until May 16.

The Bull Party is a rally to restore freedom, which involves dumping seeds on the Capitol in Washington, D.C. and turning loose “thousands” of heads of cattle in the city streets, heralded by Corne who is expected to arrive on horseback with The Articles of Separation in hand.

“This is what’s gonna happen,” Corne said, bumping her fists together. “This is when the people meet the government.”

She slammed the Occupy Wall Street movement for its pacifism, saying hers is the movement of True Change, adding that her changes might even lead to economic collapse as America returns to the barter system.

In her video message to the collective, the Trail Boss said she needed to push back the cattle rustling after speculation that a number of unidentified homeless people “went missing” and are being detained in FEMA camps. Corne ordered the farming collective to stand by while she and General Lee sort out the logistics of transferring people and animals into the gridlocked city of Washington, D.C.

“Large amounts of cattle … to herd them into Washington, D.C. is going to take a little bit more planning than 30 days,” Corne said over the clicking of the Battletruck hazard lights. “Not really planning, but prepping.

Corne said she is “sick of fucking around,” and to complete her plan, she will need cattle ranchers to volunteer to turn their cattle loose into the streets.

“There have been several, multiple cattle ranchers. Multiple,” Corne said. “A multitude of farmers coming through, that want to dump their GMO seed all over the place in Washington, D.C.”

Corne is Trail Boss of a group of farmers ready to take up arms against the government at any moment. Corne herself has already threatened President Barack Obama’s life: a stunning preemptive strike in what she and her people refer to as “the American Spring.”

The alternative effects of spreading genetically modified seed throughout the nation’s capital would likely be unknown for at least a decade, according to Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour, an Internet Chronicle botany consultant.

“It might not change anything,” Troubadour cautioned. “But then again, shit could be pretty fucked up for a while. Let’s wait and see.”

[UPDATE: THE TRAILBOSS HAS BEEN SILENCED. SHE HAS DELETED HER VIDEOS BECAUSE OF ATTEMPTS BY OUR GOVERNMENT TO SUPPRESS THE AMERICAN SPRING FREEDOM MOVEMENT. THE VIDEO CITED BELOW HAS BEEN LOST, BUT THIS REPORT REMAINS FACTUAL. PLEASE ENJOY A COMPLEMENTARY JAMIE JO CORNE VIDEO, COURTESY OF CHRONICLE.SU]

The plan is to give Congress three days to comply with demands. Consequences of non-compliance, Corne said, will be delivered in phases. Retaliation will be exacted by seizure of ports by collective forces, restrictions on imports, and the burning of social security cards.

DAMASCUS, Syria — Amongst hellfire and brimstone in the ancient city of Damascus, the Syrian government has passed a law making Internet Trolling, Cyber Bullying, or “aggressive” satire illegal. The controversial law was brought to international attention when a Syrian teenage girl committed suicide after being trolled on youtube for outing the CIA as potential instigators/manipulators of the struggles Syria is currently facing.

After a hard fought battle between liberal free speech advocates and the Syrian Child Protection League, the law was passed with a punishment of being administered near lethal doses of Terrormax, a Lebal Drocer, Inc. pharmaceutical that allows people to see terror coming beyond the horizon, giving Internet Trolls an awareness of their actions and also “burger-foot.”

After the US Military’s Project Paperclip, which recruited Nazi scientists to conduct experiments on humans during the Cold War, Terrormax was created as a mind-control serum and also a derivative of peyote, says Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador. Free speech advocates and Internet trolls worldwide believe the law to be a CIA psy-op of sorts, whose endgame was the introduction of Terrormax into the Syrian populace, which would essentially make it a free and democratic society akin to the United States of America.

What little is known about the long-term effects of Terrormax is irrelevant right now as this landmark victory for the sanctity of Internet decency has united the country and all that bullshit going on over there has ceased in celebration of fewer Internet tears.

INTERNET – Comedy fans were mortified Wednesday after learning their beloved, subversive satire news site is in fact a government operation dedicated to uncovering dissenters and information terrorists.

Documents reveal sites such as anonnews.org, #AnonOps, and chronicle.su were established as part of a plot to lure and entrap would-be radical thinkers, in a government campaign sometimes referred to as a “honey pot.”

Additionally, The Internet Chronicle is tasked with disseminating false information about chemtrail science and the Illuminati to discredit legitimate movements.

Immediately following the leak, federal agencies moved fast to stage late-night raids throughout Monday and Tuesday, targeting direct subscribers to the site.

American Civil Liberties Union Attorney Jim Buckerman said his Anonymous client is being unfairly accused of subversive thinking. Buckerman said his client “is not a thinker – subversive or otherwise.”

“My client is a good man. He has a family. He goes to work and he comes home. He has a beer. He watches MSNBC, and he goes to bed, dreaming of unchallenged American hegemony,” Buckerman said. “My client would not be caught dead reading The Internet Chronicle – a publication created by socialists, dope dealers – and worse.”

Buckerman said agents held his client down and asked him if he thought chronicle.su was “funny.”

“My client said in a statement that two men in suits pushed their knees into his back, holding him down on the ground. ‘Do you think Miley Cyrus is a f—— joke?’ They asked him, ‘Do you think the law doesn’t apply to you, because you’re on the Internet? Do you think chronicle.su is funny?’ to which my client responded, ‘No, no,’ and emphatically, ‘no.'”

Anyone found retweeting chronicle.su links, or suggesting The Internet Chronicle to friends may ultimately serve government interests, but that did not prevent readers from finding themselves on an “internet watch list” – which often leads to intrusive NSA backdoors, having personal emails read by secret agents, and being made fun of around the FBI office for obsessively googling “is this rash normal?”

The government released a statement Wednesday morning saying they do not comment on cybersecurity measures.

The Internet Chronicle is not the first case where the government has attempted to unearth dissent. World-renowned satirist and writer for The Onion Barrett Brown was arrested for linking people to his work with Project Persona Management, paralleling the works of Sabu, Abbie Hoffman and Jamie Jo Corne.

Security analysts project The Internet Chronicle will likely shut down or be repurposed to suit the cybersecurity needs of smaller, less digitized nations.

fucking wordpress

FUCKING WORDPRESS IS A FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT. You know what else is open source? Religion.

WORDPRESS, I FUCKING HATE YOU.

WORDPRESS ATE MY FUCKING ARTICLE, I PUT UP AN IMAGE AND ALL IT FUICKING SAVED WAS THAT PIECE OF SHIT IMAGE.

“OH, YOU WANTED TO SAVE THAT PIECE OF SHIT DOCUMENT YOU WERE WORKING ON FOR 90 MINUTES? PFFFFUCK YOU, LOL, BUT I SAVED THE IMAGE YOU UPLOADED, IN FACT I OVERWROTE YOUR PIECE OF SHIT STORY WITH IT.”

I DON’T KNOW IF IT’S THIS FUCKING SERVER THAT CAN’T HOLD ITS OWN ASS IN ITS HANDS. I DON’T KNOW IF IT’S OPEN SOURCE WORDSHIT OR THE WHOLE GOD DAMN WHATEVER THE FUCK IS OUT THERE, I WANT TO NUKERAPE THE EASTERN SEABORD.