Friday, January 06, 2012

You Fax Dicks Day!

“Am I afraid of offices moving everything to email and digitized documents?” you say into the Burger King bathroom mirror while pretending to be interviewed by Craig Ferguson. “Of course I am. But you can’t fight progress.”

You faxed your first dick back in 1993, to the office of a collection agency based in Cincinnati. That first one was done in anger, after they told you they were coming after the $567 you owed Discover. But once you saw the “Fax Successful” confirmation, you were hooked.

“I don’t just fax pictures of my own dick,” you continue into the mirror. “Sometimes I’ll go on the internet at the library and print out photos of white dicks. White dicks are really weird looking, but I guess that’s subjective.”

Not only are offices eliminating their fax machines, but it’s getting harder for you to find a Kinko’s that will let you send the fax on your own.

“It’s a privacy invasion to keep your fax machine behind the counter, in my opinion. It’s like if the Post Office required you to hand the clerk your documents so that they could stuff them in the envelope themselves.”

Once fax machines are eliminated completely, you doubt you’ll move on to emailing dicks.

“It’s not the same,” you tell the mirror. “Sure I could find a general company email address, but only one person sifts through those and it’ll be deleted immediately. But a fax machine, sitting in the middle of the office floor, waiting for anyone to pass by and browse through the incoming documents. Let’s see, did my report from Glenn come in yet? No, no, not mine, whoah someone faxed us a dick! There’s the magic.”

So what will you do when it’s all over?

“My wife jokes that I’ll go crazy without being able to fax dicks,” you tell the mirror. “But I’m getting on in years. Can’t go on doing the same thing forever. I’ll probably just take to gardening or something peaceful like that. I like activities that let you feel the earth.”

The Burger King manager pounding on the bathroom door tells you that it’s about time for you to get to Kinko’s and fax off some dicks before sundown.