No one on Dancing with the Stars: All-Stars
knows what it feels like to go home first. In fact, only two dancers
(Sabrina Bryan and Pamela Anderson) failed to make the finale the first
time around. But this season is a whole new ball(room) game.

Tonight one couple becomes the worst of the best, the first pair kicked off of Dancing with the Stars: All-Stars. It's a two-hour results show with performances by Justin Bieber and Piitbull, interviews with the stars about why they decided to come back, and 119 minutes of filler. Let's watch Tom Bergeron earn every ounce of that Emmy.

After just one night, our regular recapper Laurel Brown already needs a break from the action (either that or she's in Vancouver visiting the sets of Arrow, Fringe and Supernatural). So I'm here for the next two hours to fill in.

Heading into tonight's show, Emmitt Smith and Gilles Marini lead the pack while Pamela Anderson, Kirstie Alley and Bristol Palin are at the bottom.

Call me crazy, but I like seeing Sarah Palin in the audience, cheering on her daughter. They're like a high-class version of the Honey Boo Boo clan.

Why Is Bristol Palin Back? She works hard and wants to prove that she really did deserve to be in the finale last time. Behind the scenes we once again get to hear Mark Ballas tell Bristol:. "Let that ass go nuts. Give that ass its own brain." I think he accidentally came up with the greatest movie Ed Wood never made, Attack of the Crazy Smart Asses. Nuclear radiation causes a group of donkeys to become intelligent and insane.

Why Is Kelly Monaco Back? She missed the challenge of being on the show. During rehearsals we learn Val has no idea who she is or what General Hospital is, instead thinking she works in a hospital. I'm digging the cute May-December flirtation blossoming between these two.

Why Is Pamela Anderson Back? She loves performing and wants to dance better. At least she knows she's not very good. She teases that her dance for next week (if she makes it) is a little warm-up act for her future Broadway career. I know she's kind of a trainwreck, but I want to watch it a little bit longer.

Why Is Joey Fatone Back? The Fat One is back primarily to mock Apolo Anton Ohno if he beats him this time. He flirts a bit with Bruno Tonioli, which is a solid strategy to get that extra half point.

Why Is Drew Lachey Back? He likes that the show is just plain fun. There's definitely some wonderfully awkward tension since Drew beat his new partner Anna Trebunskaya back in season 2.

Why Is Apolo Anton Ohno Back? He loves competition. He's not here for fun or for entertainment, he's here to WIN!.Karina Smirnoff reveals that Apolo is funny during rehearsals, but no matter what she says, he's definitely serious when it comes time to dance. Loosen up, dude.

Why Is Helio Castroneves Back? He's here so his little daughter can watch her daddy dance. He's wonderfully charming and I bet he's a super cool father. During rehearsals we learn that Chelsie Hightower doesn't understand the difference between Portuguese and Brazilians and she doesn't know that South Americans speak Spanish. This poor girl is having her "Chicken of the Sea" moment right now.

Why Is Melissa Rycroft Back? She wants to prove that she can still do it now that she's married with a kid. I'm still wondering why Jason Mesnick's castoff is considered a "Star," let alone an "All-Star."

Why Is Gilles Marini Back? He wants redemption, which is the true American dream. Also, it's a nice way for ABC to cross-promote his recurring role on ABC Family's Switched at Birth (which is a really good show). It's actually on Mondays at 8pm, which means every week you can see Gilles on TWO different networks at the same time. We get a hilarious montage of Gilles saying he's not a dancer.

Encore Dance: Len Goodman admits the judging was a little harsh, but he still claims it was the best first night ever. The encore dance is Emmitt Smith's Cha Cha Cha. Big football player dudes should not be this light on their feet.

Why Is Emmitt Smith Back? He came back because he didn't want to be the former winner who said "No" and he likes the idea of being in the first All-Stars season. They continue the trend of congratulating Tom Bergeron on is Emmy. Oh, did he win? I didn't know because they've only mentioned it 100 times so far this season.

Why Is Shawn Johnson Back? She's really just looking for a goal in her life since she just retired from gymnastics. During rehearsals we see Derek Hough making plenty of short jokes at Shawn's expense. It's stupid, but I am so in love with Derek's goofy sense of humor that I don't care. The whole interview is done sitting down and we learn that last time around Shawn knocked Mark Ballas out cold.

Why Is Sabrina Bryan Back? Because Kyle Massey and Carson Kressley split the vote. Oh wait, no, it's because she wants to prove that last time was a huge mistake that she went out so early. Louis van Amstel is feeling a lot of pressure to help her succeed since America voted her back in.

Why Is Kirstie Alley Back? She's wanted to be a dancer since she was a little girl. She tells a story that involves the line "Bitch, I'm not waiting until I'm 12 to have pointe shoes." How can you not love her? Maksim Chmerkovskiy tells her that she's the best partner he's ever had and he loves her. During rehearsals they spied on sexy Gilles and decided they have to be the funny couple because the can't beat Gilles and Peta Murgatroyd in terms of hotness.

Results, Part 1

After a crazy, sexy, stupid awesome group routine from the pros it's FINALLY time for some results.

No real surprises there. Last time around Bristol got the support of the Tea Party, which was very active during the midterm elections of 2010. But now the Tea Party seems less than enthusiastic about the election since Mitt Romney keeps shooting himself in the foot, so she probably won't have the same group of fired-up supporters.

Pitbull

OK, it's snack time. I'll be back after I've made a sandwich. Wow, even Pitbull congratulates Tom on his Emmy win.

Results, Part 2

It seems Drew and Joey are developing quite the boy band bromance behind the scenes.I hope Drew lasts long enough to do a "Ride a Cowboy" remix at some point this season.

We ALREADY have an injury. Gilles pulled his hamstring, but he'll be fine in a couple of days. There's also some nice cross-promotion as we learn Anna Trebunskaya and Jonathan Roberts will be on Shark Tank this Friday at 8pm on ABC.

Ha! Tom announces that they're all safe, but he was only referring to Gilles and Emmitt so Sabrina was celebrating prematurely. But then she was safe anyway. That could've been SOOOOO awkward if Sabrina was actually in jeopardy.

Justin Bieber

Another snack break. But one quick question: Why is this kid grabbing his crotch so often? From what I saw, he was holding his junk for the entire performance.

Good for Kirstie and I'm not surprised about Pamela. Two of the bottom three make total sense, but Drew Lachey being there is a bit of a head-scratcher.

THE RESULTS

After two hours, we're finally down to the first elimination on Dancing with the Stars: All-Stars: The Results. That's a long title.

Bristol and Mark are...SAFE

Wow, Drew in the bottom two?

PAMELA ANDERSON AND TRISTAN MACMANUS ARE ELIMINATED!

No real surprise here.She had the lowest score and she's one of only two returning dancers who didn't make the finale. The saddest part is that we will no longer get to enjoy Tristan's adorable Irish accent.