Cop Comedy

P1 Humor Corner: Brand new toys

Crime fighting technology is of the utmost importance

One of the many cool things about having a career in law enforcement is all the amazing gadgets police have at their disposal. When you’re in a police supply shop you feel like a kid in a candy store. The inventiveness and creativity on the part of law enforcement is what keeps us one step a head of the criminal element.

With that said, thankfully, it gives all those overly intellectual, socially-impaired nerds, geeks and dorks an opportunity to become part of the Blue Army! You know who you are and we thank you.

Today’s police officers have seen more clever and resourceful changes in equipment in the last 20 years combined than since Sir Robert Peel started the London Metropolitan Police Force in 1829!

J-Ed
The father of modern American Law Enforcement, J. Edgar Hoover, would literally salivate over some of the fascinating apparatus we have today. I think he’d also like the cool rap name I just gave him.

Police equipment and the tools we have to capture and arrest criminals are mind-boggling to say the least. We’re a far cry from the days of just a revolver, handcuffs and a night stick on our duty belt!

The only good thing about big box subwoofers is at least you know there’s no room in the trunk of a turd-mobile to hide anything like a dead body or stolen 39 inch LCD HDTV!

But check it for drugs just the same.

Less-lethal Weapons
With the onset of groups like “Occupy” there is pressure on police departments to use less-lethal weapons. The use of K-9s, water cannons, and high-pressure water hoses that were once effective no longer scare anybody today.

Even rubber bullets and tear gas fail to get motivated demonstrators to disperse. This may be attributed to outdoor enthusiasts participating in the growing popularity of paintball games. Pepperballs (half paint ball half powdered capsaicin) are now popular at junior high birthday outings at paintball attractions!

Developed in the 1960s, flash bombs work by flashing a light that momentarily deactivates all light sensitive cells in the human eye for five seconds and disturbs the fluids in the inner ear. But because television has overly educated everybody with hundreds of cop shows, suspects now realize all they have to do is put cigarette filters in their ears and close their eyes when a flash grenade comes flying through a window... the damage is trivial.

Gee, thanks cop TV!

The new and improved flash bombs that are hitting the market for law enforcement include powerful ‘malodorants’ a chemical compound so foul-smelling that when used on rioters and demonstrators, they instantly gag and throw-up creating a vomitous slip and slide! Initially fun to watch but if you’re down wind or you have the misfortune of catching a whiff or two, say hello again to your breakfast!

These new and improved stink bomb devises work even better when immediately followed up with AMD’s (acoustic musical devices) which projects a 160+ decibel sound profile of music toward the target demonstrators. Research indicated the top songs used (not in any particular order) are “Macarena” by Los Del Rio, “Having My Baby” by Paul Anka, “Party All the Time” by Eddie Murphy, “Achy, Breaky Heart” by Billy Ray Cyrus and just about anything by Barry Manilow motivate people to quickly disperse.

Testing phase
New less-lethal weapons still in the test phase are:

Immobilizer Glue: Special guns fire extremely-tacky material up to 50 feet and leaving a suspect helplessly stuck. The foam, which can stick to any surface it meets, can pose a serious risk of suffocation if it comes into contact with those who have a big mouth. It’s kind of like ‘Silly String’ but a lot more fun.

Sneeze Spray: This causes subjects to continuously sneeze uncontrollably. Make sure there is plenty of Kleenex around... or not.

Itch Spray: This causes immediate irritation to the skin, and in some cases, lesions.

THC Spray: To confuse everybody, this smells just like marijuana. It immediately calms subjects down. Best used at family disturbances located in trailer parks. No snacks required.

The law enforcement community has some of the neatest toys… ah, I mean “technology.”

Put to good use, it makes our communities a better place to live and our police officer’s safe. What are some of your favorite cop toys?

About the author

Mike Peterson is a retired 23-year veteran of law enforcement. He served three years in the United States Military Police and then 20 years with the City of West University Place Police Department in Houston, Texas. Mike held a Master Peace Officer certification and was a Certified Instructor, Advanced Field Training Officer, Crime Prevention Inspector, and background investigator. He was certified in bicycle patrol, officer survival tactics, first line supervision, and City Manager Leadership Training. Mike is a graduate of Leadership Houston, Class XIV, Texas Law Enforcement Torch Run Top Fundraiser and Inductee into the Texas Special Olympics Hall of Fame (1996), three time Texas Torch Run representative for International Special Olympics torch run ‘Final Legs’ in Minnesota (1991), Austria (1993) and Connecticut (1995). Mike has received numerous Senate and House of Representative Resolutions and Proclamations for his fundraising with the Law Enforcement Torch Run as Texas’ Top Fundraiser.

Mike has appeared on ABC-TV’s ‘The View’, was a past finalist on Ed McMahon’s ‘Next Big Star’ contest and was a finalist in Houston Funniest Comedian contest. Mike has opened for such luminaries as Jay Leno, Robert Schimmel, Dave Attell, Richard Lewis, Kathleen Madigan, Jeff Dunham, Frank Caliendo, Michael Winslow, Anjelah Johnson, Ralphy May, and Alonzo Bodden to name a few. Mike has appeared numerous times on Houston’s local CBS ‘Great Day Houston’ and opened for four-Time Grammy Award Winner Glen Campbell as well as performing at police luncheons and banquets. Mike has also had the honor of performing for our Troops over in Iraq. You can see more of Mike on www.myspace.com/comedycop or www.rooftopcomedy.com.