Legal humor. Seriously.

Posts from July 2006

A spokesman for Cathay Pacific Airlines said they had to call the Hong Kong police to remove a woman from a Tokyo-bound airliner on Monday. The woman, who was carrying a luxury Gucci handbag, repeatedly refused all requests to put the expensive bag under the seat in front of her or in the luggage compartment. The flight was delayed for over an hour as she argued with the cabin crew and airport authorities.

The article did not say why the woman refused to stow the bag, although we can probably all guess something in the right ballpark. Nor did it say whether the woman's four friends (who all had to disembark with her) supported her decision to stand firm. It did say that when they were escorted off the plane, there was much applause.

The woman later apologized and the five of them were put on a later flight to Tokyo. No incidents were reported on that flight.

The Parent's Day Council of South Carolina, which is affiliated with the Washington D.C.-based American Family Coalition (did you know your family was part of a coalition? bet you didn't), said that it would implement background checks in the future after discovering that its newly crowned "Father of the Year" was on probation for arson, assault and battery, and attempted criminal sexual conduct. Oh, also, obstruction-of-justice charges are pending against him based on allegations that he tried to convince a witness to lie for him during the arson investigation.

I bet he goes to every single one of his kids' sporting events, though.

Nabil Khalil and his wife were recognized by the state's Parents' Day Council last week as the top parents in the area. The PDC's state director for South Carolina, Tim Murphy, said the Khalils had been nominated by a friend and beat out four other couples for the honor. Asked what he had done to check their credentials, Murphy said he had lunch with the couple and then talked with their friends and clergy who knew them. "Everything I heard was positive," Murphy said, omitting the fact that at least some of what he didn't hear was really negative. "They seemed like good people." All you gotta do is look into someone's eyes. That's how our president got his insight into Vladimir Putin's soul, and that ain't steered him wrong yet.

The Khalils had been honored with a ceremony on Sunday in which they received a plaque, letters from local politicians, and a commendation from President Bush. (Murphy had told him it was a "slam-dunk.") All are being returned by the Khalils, who say that the Father-of-the-Year-elect is innocent, but doesn't need the "headache."

Just as the weekly update went to press, I learned that police in Searcy, Arkansas, had captured the man responsible for the July 19 bottle-rocket attacks on Steven Turnage. Turnage said that one rocket struck him in the eye and another burned part of his chicken suit.

Prior reports suggested that police had no leads, but Turnage was in fact able to give police some details. Because of his chicken mask, he was not able to get a clear view of the suspect, but he was able to describe the vehicle that was used as the launching pad for the assault. Police said that information led to the arrest of 20-year-old Joseph R. Craig, who was charged with assault in the second degree and discharging fireworks inside city limits.

Turnage praised police. "They did a good job," he said. "I'd like for this guy to have to wear the chicken suit for a day out in this heat to see what it's like." I hope to be following this up later with a story that I can categorize under "Creative Sentencing."

New Zealand's Transport Registration Center said it will be swiftly contacting residents who, it has learned, registered their cars as "noncommercial hearses" instead of personal vehicles so they could save about $80 in fees. "Noncommercial hearses" and ambulances are exempt from most official levies under New Zealand law, which gave somebody the bright idea to reclassify his car, and the bright idea then spread, as bright ideas will do.

The other bright idea that eventually spread was calling a radio station to announce on the air that you had successfully defrauded the government out of eighty bucks. A woman in Christchurch made that call earlier this week. She explained that she thought it was justified under the law because "noncommercial hearses" can carry dead animals, and she uses hers to carry frozen chickens home from the supermarket. Other geniuses then called in to say they had done the same thing, although it was not clear if they asserted the same justification.

A spokesman for Land Transport New Zealand said that about 1,500 vehicles were registered under the category, but he could not say exactly how many were chicken carriers instead of legitimate hearses. The agency has found at least 40 cases so far of bogus registrations. "The dictionary definition of a hearse is a vehicle used to convey coffins, not to convey groceries," he said today. (I looked it up, and he's right, unfortunately.) The spokesman warned residents that they would be committing a crime if they do this and might lose their insurance as well.

The Indiana state Homeland Security Department has told officials in Vermillion County to stop using their official Homeland Security Department Electronic Emergency Message Boards to advertise the local volunteer fire department's charity fish fry.

The 11 message boards, which the state department supplied at a cost of $300,000, were intended for various danger-related purposes such as telling people about evacuation routes in the event of a natural disaster or a terrorist attack on the Newport Chemical Depot. Instead, local officials have used them to advertise the fish fry, a spaghetti dinner fundraiser and an elementary school carnival. The director of the county's emergency management department said each of the groups reported larger-than-normal turnouts after the message boards were used, so it's good to know the things work.

County commissioners said they should be able to run the county however they like, but Homeland Security officials said that using the signs for other purposes is a violation of federal rules that could deprive the county of federal money, and that it could "dull the public's attentiveness to the boards." That makes sense -- if you're used to seeing ads for the fish fry, you will probably just ignore something like "TERRORIST ATTACK ON CHEMICAL DEPOT RELEASES DEADLY PLUME OF POISON -- FLEE IMMEDIATELY." Otherwise, people will be riveted to these things just like they now wake up and check the color-coded "Threat Level" every morning before deciding how much armor to wear that day.

Faced with the loss of federal funds, the county has stopped using the signs for the announcements and commissioners will discuss the matter next week.

According to BBC News, Britishinsurance.com has canceled the policy it had provided to three sisters in Scotland who have been paying since 2000 for coverage in the event one of them immaculately conceives Jesus Christ when he shows up for his second world tour. The policy, which cost one hundred pounds a year, would have paid out one million pounds had coverage been triggered by the Savior's re-incarnation.

A spokesman for the company said the policy put the burden of proof on the insured to show that any alleged infant was in fact the baby Jesus.

According to the company, the women, who were not identified but were believed to be members of a Christian group (which really is not too much of a stretch) in Inverness, "were concerned about having sufficient funds if they immaculately conceived. It was for caring and bringing up the Christ." The company said it was canceling the policy due to protests from the Catholic Church. The Church declined comment.

"We sometimes get weird requests," the spokesman said, "and this is the weirdest we have had."

Police in Searcy, Arkansas, have no leads in repeated attacks against Steven Turnage, who wears a chicken suit on local city streets to promote a fast-food restaurant. During his two weeks on the job, Turnage says he has endured not only the ordeal of wearing a chicken suit in 105-degree heat, but also assaults by local residents. He did not report the initial attacks, which involved the throwing of Skoal cans and various frozen drinks. But Turnage called police after a salvo of bottle rockets were fired at him, one setting fire to part of the suit and another hitting him in the eye. (It was unclear from the report whether the chicken eye or the underlying human eye had been struck or the percentage of the chicken suit that was destroyed in the blaze.)

"People don't take this costume seriously," said Turnage, who apparently wants to be taken seriously while dressed as a six-foot chicken standing around in 105-degree heat in small-town Arkansas, hoping to encourage passersby to eat what he is dressed as. "It's getting to the point where this is really a dangerous situation," he complained. "They need to understand that there's a human underneath that suit." Well, this is Arkansas we're talking about, but still I think they do understand that there's a human in the suit, Steve. That's why you're having this problem. If they really thought you were a six-foot chicken they'd have eaten you by now, although they may still be out hunting for a six-foot skillet.

Either because the attacks are sudden hit-and-run affairs or because nobody gives a crap, police have yet to make any arrests or issue any citations in the matter. "Obviously it is against city ordinance to shoot fireworks inside the city limits," said a police spokeswoman, implicitly approving the Skoal and frozen-drink attacks. Police did not appear to have any leads or to be trying to get any.

"It's challenging," Turnage said of his chicken-consumer-attraction job. "You've got to be very dedicated and have a high tolerance for heat. You almost have to have a calling from the Lord to do this type of work."

Have faith, Steven. Like you, Job was also troubled by "[t]he fire of God [] fallen from heaven," that "burned up the sheep and the servants" (Job 1:16), and did he not also complain that "archers compass me round about" (Job 16:13), and of his "disfigured garment" (Job 30:18), and did he not also complain of his persecution for a bunch more verses, like unto a whiny baby, until the Lord showed up? (Job 38:1, et seq.) And was that not extremely awkward for a while there? Yet when Job said the right thing, the Lord blessed him, and he wound up with about 20,000 sheep and camels, and a thousand she-asses, at least according to this translation, and long were the days of his happiness. (Job 42:1-17.) So hang in there.

Dr. Rob Moodie, described as a 67-year-old "high-profile lawyer, former representative rugby player and Police Association secretary," whatever the hell most of that means, has decided to protest the "male-dominated corruption" of New Zealand's judicial system by wearing women's clothes to court.

Moodie was said to have "turned heads" on July 24 when he arrived at the High Court in Wellington in a stunning ensemble including a navy blue two-piece suit with ankle-length skirt, a patterned blouse, diamond-studded brooch and "dainty lace-gartered stockings covering his hairy legs." (He has insisted on keeping his mustache as well as his leg hair, which as you can see gives him sort of a Wilford-Brimley-meets-Tootsie sort of look.) Moodie was appearing to answer contempt charges against him for posting a report on the Internet that, according to Moodie, proves that the army rather than his clients was responsible for a 1994 bridge collapse that killed a beekeeper. A number of New Zealand beekeepers have died under mysterious circumstances over the past decade, and Moodie believes that a government conspiracy is responsible.

Okay, there was only the one beekeeper. I just like that detail. But Moodie does think there is a coverup. It was unclear from the report if he believes this is related to the general corruption imposed by the "male ethos" on the country's judicial system, or something else, but either way Moodie is responding to the perceived intimidation campaign by tenaciously wearing dresses.

Moodie, a married father of three, confirmed that he is a heterosexual, just one who has always preferred women's clothes. "I prefer and relate to the gender which is involved in the creation and nurturing of life; giving, sharing and also, I believe, fairness," he said. (A careful perusal of the article confirms that he was talking about the female gender.) "My confidence in the male ethos is zilch," he continued. "It's a culture of intimidation, authority, power and control." The judiciary's handling of his beekeeper case has caused him to "reflect on what it means to be a male in this country. I've decided I don't actually want to be part of that ethos. . . . I will now, as a lawyer, be wearing women's clothing. The deeper the cover-up, the prettier the frocks." It's not well known that this was the same strategy John Dean used during the Watergate hearings. When he showed up in a lovely off-shoulder taffeta gown, Nixon knew the jig was up.

Moodie said his family supported his decision and that he thought prospective clients would understand. He said he is having a brand-new dress made for his next contempt hearing next month, at which he hopes the court will honor his request to be called "Ms. Alice." "It's just a name I like," he explained.

Happy the Clown and other Bay Area clowns received threatening letters last week from Cowan, DeBaets, Abrahams and Sheppard LLP, a New York firm, telling the clowns to cease and desist from wearing costumes that look too much like characters to which Cowan's clients have the rights. Purple dinosaurs, red dogs, train conductors and others are within the scope of the scary letter, which states that "Plaintiffs will not tolerate costume infringement," and threatens the entertainers with a lawsuit unless they surrender the infringing costumes, pay $100,000 each and agree never to use said characters again.

If I had known there were clowns out there with $100,000 in their pockets, I would be robbing a lot more clowns, I can tell you that.

"I was crying," said the ironically named Happy the Clown, who runs some kind of clown business in Boulder Creek, California. "One clown threatened suicide, but we talked him out of it." That was Depresso the Suicidal Clown, though, so you can't really blame that on the litigation. Other area clowns were also distraught, some claiming that they make just enough money to survive anyway and others saying that they had to adapt to what children wanted to see. "Parents don't always want to hire a clown or pirate," said one. She said the problem began when characters such as Barney, Clifford the Dog and Bob the Builder led children to demand non-clown characters at parties, and so parents had no option but to comply because "[t]hey want to please their children."

This clown was employing a common litigation strategy called "Blame the Children." Works every time.

The San Jose Mercury News asked law professor J. Holmes Armstead (his real name, not a clown name) for comment on the letters. Armstead opined that they would "have a chilling effect on children's birthday parties in the area," as well as on the clown companies themselves. "These little kiddie shows typically make a hundred bucks a show," said Armstead, who should know, since he is a professor of national security decisionmaking and international law at the US Naval War College in Monterey. "These are not folks who are capable of going into San Francisco and hiring a 100-person law firm to represent them." Actually, these are folks who are probably capable of going into San Francisco and winning an election to seize control of its city government in order to pass clown-protection legislation, so let's not worry too much about them. In the meantime, any takers on pro bono clown representation?

If so, you may want to contact Twinkie Dee Star, clown and director of five western states for the World Clown Association. Star stated that she felt the lawyers and their clients were overreacting. If anyone dresses as a popular character, she said, "it's not because they're trying to shortchange anybody. Most clowns do this pretty much out of the goodness of their hearts." Goodness, and the desire for 100 bucks.

Opinions in the Mercury News website's forum on the topic seemed to be split fairly evenly along pro- and anti-clown lines:

What this article nelected [sic] to mention is that what these clowns (no pun intended) are doing is illegal whether we would like to admit it or not. Infingement [sic] is infringement. Copyright is copyright. End of story. [Posted by "Nancy Drew"]

I'm no legal expert, but I'd think that the clowns should join forces (even with other clowns, Elvis impersonators, etc. across the country who haven't been threatened -- you know it's only a matter of time ...), hire some lawyers and fight it.

How on earth could anyone go after a birthday party clown for copyright infringement? The people in question are not rich...they do this to make children smile. I guess that a happy kid is worth less than a copyright on a giant red dog. Oh, and "Nancy Drew"...you are about to be served for impersonating a childhood literary and TV character. You'll be hearing from ABC's lawyers soon. Ugh.

Once the lawyers see that the clowns they want to sue have no assets..... that'll be the end of that gouge and screw show. thats [sic] but one reason top [sic] protect yourself from any personalliability!What'r [sic] the lawyers gonna do reposses [sic] your nose?

Perhaps J. Holmes Armstead can use his national security decisionmaking and clown law expertise to weld the nation's clowns and Elvis impersonators into an unstoppable force that will free our beloved characters from the icy grip of Cowan, DeBaets, Abrahams and Sheppard LLP. That'll be the end of that gouge and screw show.

Police in southwestern England were able to track down a bird thief (apparently at the top of their to-do list these days) after the parrot he stole managed to leave them a vital clue. Tristand Maidment stole Mickey the Macaw from a pet shop in Frome, England, last month, after a lengthy search to find a pet with a name dumber than his own.

Though Maidment said he did not remember it, Mickey bit him during the struggle, or fracas, or whatever you would call this kind of a fight, and the bite was apparently serious enough to leave a trail of blood that police were able to use to obtain a DNA match.

Mickey's owner was not surprised by the heroism of his parrot, who he described as "notoriously bad-tempered."