Spoof news stories from Tuesday 5 June 2012

London - A new white van launched by General Motors has been named after an rare astrological aspect dominating the skies this week.
The Ford Transit of Venus comes customised with a tiger-skin couch, blow-up waterbed, strobe lights, lava lamps an...

As Britain rocked last night to a spectacular super show for the Queen's Diamond Jubilee viewers were unaware of growing tensions backstage.
It is understood that Sir Cliff Richard and Sir Elton John nearly came to blows over who would duet with s...

Combining technology from several different applelets, Alien Apps have cracked the problem of the pub quiz.
"The starting point is Siri," said Mac Buck, editor of App World!. "Siri can work out what kind of question it is. I didn't know what a pub...

A man taken into custody by police in North Miami Beach who began growling at officers "like a rabid dog" and tried to bite an officer's hand while displaying super human strength was recently employed at Miami airport and was on duty the day the Nig...

Scotland is to be ejected from the UK. In a totally unforeseen step, David Cameron has decided that Britain might do all right without Scotland after all.
"The Scots have routinely expressed contempt for the rest of the UK, especially the English...

As usual the show was a great success, even though this years event was shrouded with some controversy.
Before the show started the Lord Mayor of Saddleworth, Councillor Harold Battersby, unveiled a blue plaque at the home of former Uppermill res...

The American CDC (Center for Disease Control) and Homeland Security are denying unconfirmed reports that the so called "Zombie" virus that has now affected well over 300 people in North America may have originated in Nigeria and that a Nigerian natio...

The two towns Dull in Scotland and Boring in Oregon, US, are attempting to become twins and the whole process is so exciting that many of their occupants have actually been seen laughing and smiling.
The residents of Dull, Perthshire, tend to be p...

He once confided to his minions that she is an "unfuckable lard-arse" but a more romantic side to former Italian prime minister Silvio Berlusconi has been revealed in a forthcoming magazine article.
Despite that much reported off the cuff insult,...

Madrid - The Starbucks Corporation has injected a shot of caffeine into the world's financial system, taking over Spain's devastated banking system so it can replace bank branches with Starbucks outlets.
"Banks are not cool," said Dylan Prather, E...

The NFL feels inferior to the inferior officiating we now see every day and every game in the MLB and NBA. We want to throw the red flag, but most umpire crews only see red if you complain.
Execs and brains of pro football have decided to do some...

"Being president sounds glamorous," revealed a pensive Barack Obama during a rare private interview in the Oval Office yesterday, "but it's not all fun and games."
Obama went on to express how difficult it has been for him to keep track of what he...

Never squandering an opportunity to compete against each other in the world of high fashion, several women from the extended Royal Family and other distinguished guests are wearing edible hats for the Queen's Jubilee.
One daring creation was a pro...

David Jonber set a new world record for playing 600 games of chess simultaneously. He also broke the record for most games lost in a single day, all 600.
"Wow" Jonber was quoted as saying, "What a thrill. This is especially exciting as I have o...

Xultun, Guatamala. The Mayans were very good at math. So much so that they could actually make corrections over time using statistical methods to calculate minutes, degrees, and seconds of an arc with a precision unmatched until the invention of the microchip.
Dr. William Jupitero, chief archaeologist on the site, working with a grant from Arkham University (Massachusetts) has been arguing wi...

London - Holed up in a grotty geriatric ward at London's King Edward Potatoes Clinic for Past-it Duffers the Duke of Edinburgh had a terrifying vision last night.
Apparently someone told him that a once-in-a-lifetime Sun-Venus conjunction on Tuesd...

The American CDC (Center for Disease Control) and Homeland Security have issued "cautionary" warnings regarding a new blood borne virus that may have infected a "minute" number of people across pockets of the United States.
Symptoms of the virus i...

We all know about Twitter and its popularity in celeb circles; attracting as it does accounts by A-Listers as diverse as Britney Spears and the Dalai Lama. But now in what's believed to be first for the micro blogging site, Garok, an extraterrestrial...

Syrian president Opposition-Basher al-Assad kicked off a huge round of Jubilee celebrations in his country this weekend. He explained:
"Like all great dictators I was educated in London, so Britain has a special place in my heart. As an unelected...

New England boss Roy Hodgson today proved himself to be the joker in the pack when announcing that he had 'merked' Rio Ferdinand by not calling him up as a replacement for injured Gary Cahill.
Cahill picked up a jaw injury in the 1-0 win over Belg...

Doctor and Gambol, the world's largest manufacturer of cold relief medicine, has been accused of genetically engineering a virus that can induce cold symptoms in people during the summer months.
"It's not true," said Paul Proctor, head of marketin...

With a world shortage of magnesium looming, the printing industry is looking at ways of saving this crucial ingredient in ink.
"Magnesium has very few uses," said Hugh Packard, head of ink at Kodak. "It's main use is in the manufacturer of ink jet...

BERLIN - Anonymous sources close to Merkel report that she is brow-beating her staff for the correct word to describe what she wants to call the "Even More Unified European Union".
The penalty for being politically incorrect in word choice is un...

New York City Mayor, NeverBloomed, who in all honestly from the looks of him has never had a piece of trans fat pass his lips, more or less a really Super Duper Big Gullapi, has now put into law that no one shall have a really supery sugary wonderful...

MIAMI FL - Dr. Echeeks mother, Jane, finally agreed to talk to TheSpoof.com when we bribed her with a bottle of gin. The in-depth interview sheds some light into the life and times of Dr. Echeeks.
AB: What was the first sign that your son was troubled?
Jane: Well, he used to set ants on fire with a Fresnel lens. Then he would bend down and inhale the smoke. He kept doing this till he would...

HOLLYWOOD - It has been over four months since the infamous January X-Factor Massacre in which Simon Cowell fired X-Factor host Steve "Vanilla Man" Jones along with two of the three judges Paula "Touchdown" Abdul and Nicole "Teardrops" Scherzinger.

BILLINGSGATE POST - Alfreedo World-Atwar, former New York Knicks sixth-man, told police he inadvertently dribbled his wife off his high-rise apartment balcony during a playful game of one-on-one basketball this Memorial Day in Camden, New Jersey.

NATIONAL HARBOR, Md.- Snigdha Nandipati a 14-year-old of San Diego won the 85th Scripps National Spelling Bee on Thursday night when she correctly spelled the word "guetapens," which means a trap or ambush.
Although Nandipati took home a $35,000...

Prime Minister David Cameron emerged blinking from his Downing Street bunker today accompanied by a scowling chancellor George Osborne and a smirking Alastair Campbell, Tony Blair's former press secretary. He announced that Mr. Campbell would be res...

A gay porn actor from Montreal, Luka Rocco Magnotta, is suspected in the killing of his acquaintance, videotaping and posting online the man's dismemberment and mailing the severed limbs to different locations in Ottawa, including to a political part...

It was an inevitablility. In what has been described as the new 'Holy War', the unesteemed Reverend Fred (Fab Freddy) Phelps of the Westboro Baptist Church has declared, through seemingly unscrupulous, yet devoutly Christian attorneys, a lawsuit agai...

WEST HOLLYWOOD - Beyonce has lost all of her baby weight and then some. Even Kim Kardashian's boyfriend Kanye West mentioned that the new mama looks as fine as kiwi wine.
Beyonce, was recently informed by YoDelle Denzel St. Bling, with Afro Sheen...