No-expenses-spared, 27-room Lancashire super-manor on the market for £2.4m

The phrase 'no expense spared' is a thrilling one. It's scary because there's a panic over who's picking up the bill and it's exciting because you feel like something downright fancy is about to go down. No-expenses-spared weddings can be magical and garish and no-expenses-spared holidays can be unforgettable and forced. But no expenses spared homes are just great. Take this 27-room, three-storey £2.4m wonderland for example...

Carrying with it more than just a debonair whiff of manor house about it, this property is a craftsman's masterpiece, a socialite's fantasy, and everyone else's dream. It looks like it was drawn it's so idealistic; it is Batman's house if his parents never went to the theatre that night and he instead grew up as a normal, well-adjusted little millionaire. If you drove past it, you'd assume not that a footballer lived there, but the owner of the club for which the footballer plays.

Hand-crafted dry stone walls and electric gates must be navigated before one can get close to this beautiful leviathan of architecture. Press your remote bipper-thingy to open the gates and have a good old stare at the ornate double-gabled front-facing exterior. Damn, that's fancy. You can practically sense the under-floor heating from here. Drink it in, my friend.

Inside, the home very much plays on the trope of very expensive things being Very White Indeed. Why this is a thing, I don't really know - is it to boast that they don't even mind if anything gets dirty because they can just replace anything at the drop of a top hat? - but it looks good. Marble floors, pale fine-carved wood, blemish-less finished walls... the entrance hall alone is a piece of (somewhat counter-intuitively colourless) artwork.

Rolling with the theme of dazzling you with a flash of fancy, the first living room is again a picture of crisp white surfaces and a carpet so pristine you'd not even want to talk about dinner near it let alone stagger across it with a late-night kebab. There is a lovely stone hearth, though, so curl up (post-rigorous shower) with a couple of the white fur blankets and get cosy, fancy-style.

Light pours into the home's back-facing conservatory, offering a place in which to enjoy any of sun popping through the Lancastrian clouds which dot the Great Plumpton skyline and a perfect hideaway - if you like your hideaways to be open-feeling nooks the size of most people's living rooms, that is. And for those looking for more food-friendly flooring, a second living room boasting invitingly wipe-able hardwood underfoot is primed and ready for spaghetti bolognese night.

Speaking of food, why bother the lounges with your culinary concoctions at all when there's such a spacious dining room? Then again, when the kitchen is so restaurant-perfect, why don't we all just congregate in there, house-party style. Seriously though, this is one of the rare occasions where the kitchen is so high-spec and nice that the cooking of food is the second-best thing you can do in there after merely gawping at how nice it all looks.

Upstairs (not the first time you'll be hearing that word in this house, either), and the landing is so large you feel like you could actually land something on it. The huge master bedroom is another huge room which also meanders through into an en suite bathroom the size of a modern garage - a theme which all the other bedrooms follow in the sense that they could comfortably house animals far larger than humans.

Upstairs again (told you) and the converted attic awaits. With gaping skylights bathing the space in light, it's the perfect place to stash away a troublesome teenager who will undoubtedly take the fact that his living space is larger than most bungalows for granted and maintain a sullen attitude regardless of the fact that his personal bathroom has its own Jacuzzi tub and separate shower cubicle.

Outside, the grounds are the kind of size which would not recommend a gardener, but require one. From a decking area to a pond which at first glance looks more like a river, the gardens are as highfalutin as the home. You'd be genuinely hard pressed to find a point of complaint about this monster of a home.