Girl Sh-t over fat

As I always say, Girl Sh-t is the best sh-t. And the best Girl Sh-t usually happens over boys or our bodies, sometimes both at the same time. Look at LeAnn Rimes’s thinnification - is it an accident that her predecessor has the same rail thin frame?

This is a study I would pay attention to - what’s more upsetting: another girl flirting with your fiancé or finding out your fiancé, who loves you and would never, ever leave you, thinks you might need to lose weight?

I wish I could give you the All Fem fists pump here but that would be a lie. Is it something we’re working on? Of course. Is it something that still exists? Of course too. We are f-cked up about our bodies. Now take that f-ckedupness and apply it to Hollywood. It’s unimaginably worse. I once overheard a conversation at the Roosevelt in the ladies’ between two girls who could not have been more than 22, and perfect, and they were discussing another friend of theirs who’d evidently secured a really great job. Their assessment of the situation? Totally serious? “Yeah, but she got fat. No career is worth that much to me.”

So here’s Kelly Osbourne, all validated and popular now that she’s skinny, on Fashion Police on E! the other day throwing down on Christina Aguilera about her body. Aguilera showed up at her fragrance launch a couple of weeks ago - it’s called “Royal Desire”’ which...WTF??? - in a very snug dress.

“Maybe she's just becoming the fat bitch she was always born to be. I don't know. She was a c-nt to me. She called me fat for so many f-cking years, so you know what? F-ck you, you're fat too!”

Unfortunately the video has since been removed but the “f-ck you” came with finger gestures too.

Amazing, right?

On television. She basically revealed on television that she was mental over Christina Aguilera meangirling her about her weight so many years ago. I mean, we are going back to at least 2003 with this feud. 8 years Kelly has been carrying around her Fat Grudge, which morphed into Thin Revenge, mixed with a healthy amount of Thin Gloat, but that still, clearly, hasn’t healed the Fat Shame.

Let’s not get too self-righteous about this though, ok? I’m not going to lie. If some bitch I can’t stand shows up at a party and she doesn’t look great, I’m just saying this doesn’t make me sad. So I’m not about to get judgy at Kelly taking delight in the fact that Christina, very obviously, is a mess right now.

It’s just... I mean if we’re talking strategy here, like real Girl Sh-t Strategy, it’s just not a very smart tactic, going all broadcast about the Fat Shame you’ve been harbouring, and certainly not nearly as effective as showing up in a very flattering black dress to the same event and magnanimously posing side by side for a conciliatory photograph as if to say, let’s put this behind us, when what you’re really saying is, let me stand behind you (a posing trick Sasha recently explained to me) so that I can look even smaller. Or, model the same dress on the show, giving kindly advice as to how Christina could have improved.

These are the games they played in the glory days. Sofia Loren, Ava Gardner, Bette Davis - they understood the art of revenge over another broad and it’s not that they were above putting someone down, they just knew that the best way to push someone down was to elevate yourself in the process. A failing grade to Kelly all around then in this situation. Now we all think she’s mean, that she’s a hypocrite, and worse still, that even though she looks thin she still feels fat which, to me anyway, is her greatest mistake. Congratulations. Now you’re a catchphrase, a cliché, and an episode of Oprah all that the same time.

Attached - Kelly at the end of June shooting for Madonna and Lourdes’s Material Girl line and Christina Aguilera in the outfit that Kelly was criticising.