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Monday, August 31, 2009

thoughts on motherhood

Things that are disturbing to me as a Mom...

*Finding apple cores in the bathroom trash.*Being told, 'don't worry! I found the turtle!'*Having to tell a child to get the electric screwdriver out of their mouth.*names written on the mirror in toothpasteand soapand crayon

Things about being a Mom that make my heart full...*Crooked and toothless smiles.*Contagious laughter*Hearing my kids' interpretations of the scriptures they are studying on their own.*Squeaky Clarinets (this is a new one)*Late night serenades on the recorder.*Hearing my kids tell me that I make their heart smile.

Things that break my heart...*Sad and hurt crying and tears.*Being told, 'It's all your fault!' (this has now happened twice)*Seeing elements of my children's lives had negative effects on their self esteem...why can't we just keep them home ALL THE TIME?

Things I've learned since I became a Mom...*Never say no when you can say yes. (Marjorie Hinckley)*50% of the time, bedtime is overrated.*Impromptu Slumber Parties are AWESOME!! Especially when I get invited. haha*Enjoy today

The biggest one I've been thinking a lot about lately is a little personal, but I have to write it somewhere so I can hold myself accountable...

All of my friends are having babies again...or many of them. My baby died almost 8 years ago and I haven't become pregnant since, even through many fertility treatments and a major surgery too.

My friend just lost a baby prematurely and since I found out, I have been so sad for her and reliving Robert's death too. I have never had a miscarriage so I can't even imagine the pain that comes from one. Although my baby was born full term and I held him and saw him breathing, I didn't know him for long so I mourn what I think I am missing. I also find myself second guessing choices that we made at his birth that we KNOW were Heavenly Father's will for Robert and out family. Why do I do that?!

I am sad for the missing people at our dinner table...Robert as well as the 2 other spirits that I know in my heart are missing from our home. I am sad that my kids only have each other. I am also SO THANKFUL that Nicole and Matthew do have each other!

I guess what I have learned is something I have known for a while but I need to remind myself of...Robert is perfectly fine in heaven. I've had the thought for sometime that he is a mission companion with my Uncle Lyn. I'm sure they are having a great time up there.

I love every stage that my kids are in. Right now they are stretching boundaries, breaking rules, rolling their eyes are me and letting me know it's all my fault. At night I cry into my pillow and in the morning I try to start again. I tell myself that I am looking forward to the day when...____________________________you can fill in the blank, there are many things to put there. But really I love each day.

Okay, so I don't really know where this post is going, but like I said earlier, I just had to get it out there so I could read it and remind myself that I am happy, dang it!! Life really is good.

on a lighter note, here is the conversation I had with my kids on the way to school this morning...

Matthew: I wish I had a brother.Me: I wish you did too.Matthew: I'd also like a sister.Nicole: I AM YOUR SISTER!!!Me: I'd like you both to have another brother and sister.Matthew: Can't you just have triplets?Nicole: Can't we just get a trampoline?

4 comments:

Life IS beautiful. Thank you for that reminder to me also. You're not the only one crying in the pillow at night and trying to make it better the next day. Being a mother is difficult. But what I've come to realize is that with those difficulties comes an immense joy and love that shoves all that stress and frustration aside! It's all worth it, and we know it, it's just hard to remember sometimes... so thank you for that reminder Dedra.

i just want to thank you again for your willingness to share your experience with Robert. I seriously cant even imagine carrying a baby to term knowing that I wouldnt be able to hold him very long. The pain of the miscarraige was bad enough. I know I have said it before, but you are a strong woman and your kids are so lucky to have a mom like you. oh, and Ken too. :)

Your thoughts on motherhood are wonderful. Many I smile and nod in agreement. :)The conversations you have with your kids are priceless. I laugh at some that I have with mine and wonder how much weirder or funnier they're going to get! By the way, Lindsey is in Kara Dykstra's class as well. We made sure of that. hehehe