(Something I was working on for a project, and quickly got out of… uh…)

What’s the difference between masturbation and dating?

It’s not only possible to have a healthy, stable relationship with your hand, it doesn’t involve a lot of tear-filled “discussions” until 4 a.m.

You will never forget your anniversary. Or your hand’s birthday, which coincidentally is the same day.

Your hand will always respect you in the morning, and has no problem cooking you breakfast.

Your hand will never ask you to go shopping for shoes, dresses, swimsuits, or tampons.

If you hand ever cheats on you, it’s okay - you’re included.

You already know your hand’s mother and have learned to deal with it.

It’s cheaper to get divorced from your hand.

Getting married to your hand does not involve 1000 friends and relatives, a caterer, a priest, eight months of hunting for the right dress, several weeks of cold feet, a bachelor party (that defies laws of nature, morality, and state statutes), wedding cake all over your face, and fifty men diving out of the way of 100 women trying to catch the bouquet. Also, it’s free.

You never have to worry about filing joint taxes.

Your hand will never make you sleep on the couch.

Your hand will never have the locks changed and lock you out of the house.

Your hand will never get a pet that you despise.

Your hand will never clog up your computer with viruses from watching porn online.

I’m going to save this to my desktop so I can add to it from time to time.