10 things no one ever tells you about the menopause

When you're pregnant or have a newborn baby, the whole world is bursting to give you advice and share their own (sometimes-eye-watering-please-don't) experiences. Fast forward to your late 40s and early 50s, can you imagine a helpful taxi driver telling you about his wife's hot flushes or the lady in your local supermarket giving you the low-down on what foods to eat? How about bringing up night sweats at work in front of your 20-something work colleagues? Nope, us neither.

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Meanwhile millions of women in their 40s and 50s are suffering in silence and wondering on a daily basis 'is this the menopause or am I just furious?'

So, we asked women who are currently experiencing all the physical and mental changes that accompany the menopause to give us their 'why the heck did no one tell me' full and frank experiences of the change of life.

1. Hot flushes aren't funny

The name sounds sort of jokey. But having a hot flush is shockingly horrible, especially at first.

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Jane says: 'No-one ever told me that just before you get a really bad hot flush you honestly, truly, think you're about to die (until you get to recognise what it is!).

'Just ride that wave - it passes in a few minutes and after you've stuck your head out of the window gasping for cold air you'll feel better.'

2. The menopause isn't over in a few months

'No one ever tells you the perimenopause and menopause lasts for 10 or more years, with all its multitude of different symptoms,' says Melanie. 'I would love to not be hot and sweaty and cross.'

3. Thought urine infections were in the past? Think again

You might have thought urine infections were a thing of the past once your sex life became less, well, active. Oh no.

'A drop in my oestrogen levels has badly affected my internal workings!' says Fiona. 'My pelvic floor is weaker than before and causes bladder weakness. I also suffer a lot more urinary tract infections, especially from cystitis caused by sex.

'This is apparently quite common but no one talks about it. A consultant explained that a loss of oestrogen makes things less taut inside the uterus - rather like it affects skin elasticity - so sex or anything that jiggles the nether regions and internals around makes you prone to infections and reduces durability. Who knew?!'

You've never really suffered from facial hair. Then you notice a single black hair protruding out of your chin at least a fingernail length long. And you panic! How many people have seen it? How long has it been there?

You put your partner on hair inspection duty, but he's rubbish at it and tells you you're getting paranoid as you pluck more and more of these hairs. He does tell you he's spotted one when you're driving to meet lots of people who will all be transfixed by the HUGE HAIR ON YOUR CHIN as you've forgotten your tweezers.

Your nightly skincare routine turns into a full on face inspection in different lights for those hairs. And you repeat again in the morning. You give the mother hair on your chin a nickname. Bert's back!

'There is NOTHING more frustrating and distracting than feeling the first millimetre of stubble growing on your chin and being away from home and your tweezers,' says Lucy.

'It is weirdly satisfying,' says Jo. 'Unless you notice it when at your desk and your tweezers are eight hours away. Then it's time to hide in the loos.'

5. Unsympathetic medics

'My GP was awful,' says Kerry. 'He told me "the menopause is not a disease", that I shouldn't moan about it, and that I could take a multivitamin because that might help.

'You know how rage is a symptom of the menopause? He almost felt the full force.

'The changes we go through are a massive deal and yet they are completely downplayed or even joked about.'

6. Terrible nights

Night sweats as a phrase doesn't quite explain the 'my body is going to explode from internal heat' experience. Relaxing hot baths before bedtime are a seriously bad idea!

You toss, you turn, you push the duvet off, you wake up shivering and pull it back on again. And repeat. All night.

7. Zombie days

Whether it's because of night sweats and bad sleep (see above) or because you're just excruciatingly bored at being in the same job, but you feel exhausted.

You feel like you did in the first months of having a newborn baby, your skin tingling with exhaustion and coherent conversation is an enormous effort. But 'I've been up all night with the menopause' isn't going to get you the same sympathy.

8. Painful, aching joints

In your knees, elbows, fingers, neck....

Especially at night, when you stop and suddenly realise you ache. All over. And again first thing in the morning when you're super-stiff.

It's because of those hormone fluctuations, and particularly oestrogen levels declining. Pain can vary from a dull ache to tingling pains down your arms, legs and back.

9. Itchy skin

10. 'I don't know if I'm menopausal or just grumpy'

Sue sums it up perfectly: 'Unfortunately the menopause also comes at the time when:

1. Your children are becoming or have become grumpy teenagers and that's enough to push anyone over the edge.

'2. You've probably been with your partner a long time so sex isn't the driving force in your life it was

'3. You inevitably don't have the physical confidence or agility you used to have.

'4. You're absolutely knackered after 25 years or so of working, negotiating, caring, cooking, cleaning and partying. If you have physical symptoms which are obviously related to the menopause, I understand. But if you're generally annoyed, tired, anxious and have a terrible memory is the menopause to blame, or is it just 'life'?'

You can read more about the symptoms of perimenopause and menopause here.

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