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SPRING TRAINING

Shelley Duncan decides to see what pine tastes like before grabbing a spot on the bench after the Cleveland Indian first baseman struck out looking on March 20 in Goodyear, Ariz., against the Oakland Athletics.photo by Scott Salisbury

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Countdown Toward History

!! EUREKA !!

With Their 10th Win of the Season on Monday Night, a 90-84 Win Over the San Antonio Spurs, the New Jersey Nets Cannot Go Down in NBA Infamy With the Most Losses in a Single Season.

That Dubious Distinction Still Belongs to the 73 Losses of the 1972-73Philadelphia 76ers.

The current Kings assistant coach spent 1,243 minutes of his playing career watching from the bad box, where he idled 1,000-plus minutes more than eight of the next most penalized Swiss-born players to compete in the NHL combined.

The closest Swiss compatriot to Hardy and his 20 hours of penalty time is the New York Islander’s Mark Streit, the captain of the country’s 2010 Olympic squad and owner of a paltry 172 minutes isolated in time out.

Hardy, 51, was mostly muscle. His career 62 goals in 915 games left his resume with a dreary .06 goals-per-game average. In light of his back-of-the-net ineptitude, his place in hockey lore is on solid ice.

For proof, just ask Mike Keane to show you the bruise he surely still has from Hardy. In the 1993 Stanley Cup finals, Hardy leveled the Montreal Canadiens’ right winger with a YouTube-worthy body check that lives on today in search engines under the guise of “Hockey Brawls, Fights and Hits.”

Hardy and Keane, it turns out, are intertwined in international hockey history like a twisted game of six-degrees of Kevin Bacon — if by that you mean the actor with his jersey pulled halfway over his head getting pummeled by six different people at once.

Hardy was raised to salute a flag that resembles the Red Cross symbol, but likely honed his proclivity for doling out pain after relocating to Montreal and becoming a Canadian citizen.

Keane — who like Hardy only played on the World Championship level and not the Olympic stage — put up his dukes in the infamous “Punch-up in Piestany.”

Keane is one of just nine players to win a Stanley Cup with three different franchises. But the Canadian is renowned for dropping his gloves and fighting Russia’s Valeri Zelepukin in the violent, 20-minute, bench-clearing melee at the 1987 World Junior Championships in Czechoslovakia.

When it comes to fisticuffs, the Swiss prefer their pugilism between the ropes and not the ice. Or at least they used to. You have to go back to 1936 to find the last time Switzerland fielded an Olympic boxing team.

None of the Swiss boxers — four of whom were peculiarly named Walter — failed to win a medal that year. And ever since, Switzerland’s proclivity for pacifism is a legend of its own commendable mettle.

Saturday, February 13, 2010

X Games legend Shaun White says his old nickname "The Flying Tomato" has gone rotten. The 23-year old is informing everyone at this week's 2010 Winter Olympics in Vancouver that he now goes by the moniker "Animal."

Thursday, February 4, 2010

PUNXSUTAWNEY ROBIN: SALUTING THE BEST GOPHER BALL PITCHERS OF ALL TIME

Today is Groundhog Day, the glorious time of year when we celebrate the most notorious gopher this side of Caddyshack.

Men such as "Punxsutawney" Phil Norton , who, in one tragic inning on Aug. 8, 2000, joined a litany of infamous gopher ballers to yield a Major League record four home runs in one inning.

Today we rejoice the pitchers who brought inclement weather to the bleachers of ball parks in the form of hailing home runs—many of whom lost their own silhouettes in the shadows created by the likes of Bonds, McGwireandSosa.

The irony being that Western Pennsylvania’s famous marmot, Punxsutawney Phil , is said to have lived to the ripe old age of 123 by ingesting an “elixir of life — a mysterious “Groundhog Punch.”

So by all accounts, Phil Norton is not fuzzy, nor lives in an underground burrow. In fact, the lefty grew up 1,100 miles south of Punxsutawney in Texarkana, Texas. But his place in baseball history is concrete — that is, until another gopher-ball pitcher coughs up five dingers in a single inning.

When he does, you’ll hear the collective sighs emanating from Norton, a former Chicago Cub and Cincinnati Red, and the other 25 pitchers he shares the dubious mark with.

Those enshrined in Cooperstown certainly aren’t immune from playing the role of the gopher.

Warren Spahn served up 71 more homers than he got wins in his 21 year career. His National League record 434 home runs given up didn’t keep him out of the hall. Perhaps personally slugging 35 homers (third-best all-time for a pitcher) helped Spahn gain access among the game’s greats.

Other notable pitchers going down in gopher lore with Johnson, Smoltz and Catfish include:

Bert Blyleven : His 50 homers given up in 1986 is a single-season record.

Fergie Jenkins : He led the Majors in homers-yielded a record seven times.

Frank Tanana : Allowed 448 career home runs at a clip of one dinger per every six strikeouts, tops all-time in the American League.

As far as legends go, however, no one topped Robin Roberts when it came to doling out free souvenirs to the paying customers in the cheap seats.

Roberts surrendered a Major League-best 505 home runs in his career. Even more remarkable is that the Springfield, Ill., native still managed to carve out a Hall of Fame career behind six 20-win campaigns. He twice struck out more batters in a season than anyone else and made seven all-star squads.

The state of Vermont was so enamored with the pitcher, they officially dubbed July 21 as “Robin Roberts Day.”

Roberts is 83-years old now. There are no reports of a man in a top hat yanking him from a serene slumber this morning to predict the weather.

Had he been so rudely awakened, his prognosis would have been simple to forecast:

Saturday, January 23, 2010

It turns out notorious hip-hop artists Tupac Shakur and Biggie Smalls aren’t the only ones creating original music long after their untimely deaths.

Citing the track record of the deposed, coastally-proud rappers, the late Walter Payton has decided to get back into the sports-music industry.

The hall-of-fame running back has announced plans to release a re-mastered version of the Super Bowl Shuffle, a tribute to the sporty anthem put out by Sweetness and his Chicago Bears teammates nearly 25 years ago.

Payton admitted that he found motivation to posthumously release the new song after witnessing the success of still-mortal San Diego Charger running back LaDainian Tomlinson, whose recent music video LT Slide-Electric Glide has become a Web phenomenon.

Payton, who made a name for himself in the Midwest, has yet to announce whether he’ll collaborate with East Coast’s Smalls or West Coast’s Shakur on the project.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

There’s a familiar cliché in the world of hockey that equates an impenetrable goaltender, a net-minder making seemingly impossible saves, as “standing on his head.”

This, of course, is a cleverly concocted metaphor. No one — not even the most chiseled of modern day athletes — can stand upside-down for 60 minutes. The world record for standing on one’s head is about eight-and-a-half minutes.

New Jersey Devils' Goaltender Martin Brodeur is the exception to the rule that says the human body will lose consciousness after several minutes suspended feet-over-neck.

Standing on his head doesn’t cause black-outs for the 37 year old — it causes his opponents shutouts.

Since breaking into the NHL in 1991, with the Devils, Brodeur has toppled many of the league’s most hallowed goaltending records.

Among the most impressive is the career mark for ice time, breaking Patrick Roy’s record 60,235 minutes. Depending how you look at it, that’s more than 1,000 hours or 42 days or six weeks between the pipes.

There’s plenty of other ways Brodeur could have spent that time, besides equaling the world’s record for standing on one’s head 7,086 times.

For instance:

· He could have watched Berlin Alexanderplatz, the longest movie ever made (931 minutes), a whopping 65 times.

· If he spent those hours in the air, he’d have garnered the requisite 40 air hours it takes to earn a pilot’s license.

· According to www.sixweeks.com he could have sculpted perfect abs.

· If he were a terrorist (to anyone other than opposing teams), the United States government could have held him the legal limit of 42 days before levying charges against him. It’s a good thing Brodeur is on the up-and-up with Uncle Sam. Four days after setting the NHL’s new minutes mark, the goalie officially became a U.S. citizen.

· Brodeur’s new mark is comparable to 25 average work (9 a.m. to 5 p.m.) days.

· That same time span, cruelly, is also the average life span of worker bees.

· Instead of logging all that ice time, he could have sat through Placido Domingo’s world record for the longest ovation (101 curtain calls, 80 minutes of applause 101 curtain calls and 80 minutes of applause on June 30, 1991 in Vienna, after singing Otello) a mind- and posterior-numbing 758 times.

· If it takes 200 minutes (at 20 minutes a pound) to cook a 10-pound turkey, Brodeur could have served up a 3,011-pound bird if he put it in the oven his rookie year. He’d be hard-pressed to find a turkey that size. The biggest turkey on record is 86 pounds.

· At a nonstop and steady pace of 60 mph, he’d circumnavigate the Earth 2.5 times instead of fending off slap shots.

· Roger Bannister could have run 20,078 three-minute miles.

· He could have sat through 48 consecutive Jerry Lewis telethons.

· He could have watched all 452 episodes of The Simpsons 4.5 times.

· Brodeur could have switched to football and played every minute of every game in the NFL this season and still have close to 45,000 minutes of free time.

· If he took the ice on Jan. 1 and played his minutes consecutively, he wouldn’t get a break until Feb. 1.

· Predictions are big business in the world of sports. If Brodeur spent his entire career on the phone with Miss Cleo Psychic Hotline ($4.99 per minute) he’d run up a $300,000 phone bill.

· Ghandi could have watched Brodeur’s entire career during both of his 21-day fasts. The Indian spiritual leader likely would have found the nachos at Continental Airlines Arena — the ones that come replete with three puny jalapenos and a thick layer of plastic cheese — rather easy to resist.

· At six weeks, he’d still have two weeks to wait before his Snuggie arrived via standard U.S. mail. And spending that amount of time on the ice requires something warm and fuzzy to wear.

Saturday, November 14, 2009

Manny Pacquiao summoned bovine intervention in the final moments of his Welterweight bout against Oscar de la Hoya last December. As the Fightin’ Filipino rejoiced his victory over the Golden Boy on the Las Vegas canvas, HBO commentator Jim Lampley dubbed Pacquiao as the “bell cow” of his pugilistic generation.

The Bell Cow leaves the barn again tonight when Pacquiao climbs back into the ring for another Welterweight bout; this time versus Miguel Cotto.

Old McDonald gives his pre-fight assessment of Lampley’s Bell Cow:

“Pundits who say that Manny Pacquiao is nothing more than a “wolf in sheep’s clothing” really gets my goat.

There are some folks who tell us — those of us that think the Filipino is the cock of the walk — that we shouldn’t count our chickens before they hatch. They say that ‘even a blind pig finds an acorn every once in a while.’

Hold your horses. His career 49-3-2 record suggests an endless row of lambs being led to the slaughterhouse.

You’ll see tonight that Pacquiao is the best pound-for-pound fighter when he grabs the bull by the horns.”

A frail Sosa was a mere shell of his former 6-foot, 220-pound Earth-thundering self when he sat down recently with reporters. Slammin’ Sammy — he of a sixth-best all-time 609 dingers and a U-Haul full of steroid allegations in tow — confessed to recently taking a herbal supplement grown along the shoreline of the Yaque Del Sur river of his native Dominican Republic.

The ground-root herb cocktail Sosa had been ingesting twice weekly was literally causing him to disappear.

A week after the interview, the only thing left of Sosa was a moderate pile of fine powder.

Sosa’s wife Sonya would not address the speculations that the slugger’s ashes were to be stored in either a syringe or a hollowed-out bat.

Sunday, October 25, 2009

The Associated Press is reporting that — after a mere 85 games — there are cracks in the concrete ramps of the new Yankee Stadium.

That didn’t take long for the young girl to show her crow’s feet. Usually it takes at least a few decades for a stadium to reveal its age.

Take, for example, the Toronto Blue Jays’ Rogers Centre. You probably know it as the Sky Dome. Back in 1989, when it first opened its retractable roof, the Sky Dome was considered a modern-day Coliseum.

A mere two decades later, it’s a lumbering dinosaur of a sports venue — a Toronto-saurus Rex, if you would.

Friday, August 14, 2009

Sports editors get bizarre e-mails. Many of them leave you scratching your head, wondering: how the heck did I get on their list?

Among the press releases I regularly receive is from a company called FieldTurf. The company proudly boasts itself as the “global market leader in terms of synthetic sports fields with over 3,000 fields installed.”

Installations range from the gridirons at Boston College and Rutgers University to the Twins’ diamond in Minnesota, to name just a few of the major NCAA programs and MLB teams to use FieldTurf surfaces in their house.

On Thursday, FieldTurf - announcing through an e-mailed press release - added 94-year-old Vaught-Hemingway Stadium/Hollingsworth Field, the football home to Ole Miss University, among those to make the switch.

Other programs that have recently switched to FieldTurf this month, according to my e-mail: Indiana State University.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Playing backyard sports is about as American as Red, White and Blue Polo shirts, Barack Obama Chia Pets and Sacagawea coins.

It’s there behind the house, between the shrubs and birdbath, around the tool shed and dangerously close to mom’s flower garden, where dreams are sculpted mostly from creative imaginations.

When Eunice Kennedy Shriver peered out of the curtains to the backyard of her Maryland home, she was also overcome with visages of grandeur.

Granted, her backyard was probably a lot bigger than yours or mine. Her vision certainly was.

It was in that plot where the older sister of John F. Kennedy created Camp Shriver for physically and emotionally challenged children in 1962. Eventually, the camp spawned the Special Olympics. Today, the games boast more than 2.5 million athletes in 180 countries.

Kennedy Shriver passed away earlier this week at the age of 88. Her contributions to the world she left behind are irreplaceable and irrefutable.

This weekend, when you finally decide to trim that lawn, don’t just kick the Frisbee aside seconds before its perilous doom by lawn mower blades. Take a moment to imagine the Wiffleball field or the outline of the end zones which once gave you hope that anything was possible. Eunice Kennedy Shriver once did and, for that, the world outside the backyard is a better place.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

The Bucs shipped Wilson and pitcher Ian Snell to the Seattle Mariners today in exchange for five minor leaguers.

At this point, Pittsburgh Pirate fans are used to the all-too-familiar feeling that comes when your favorite team trades its best player. It’s a painfully numbing sensation on par with getting punched in the pant’s zipper.

Wilson’s four homers and .267 batting average this season wasn’t what made him a fan favorite. It was his Johnny Punch Clock, coal-coughing mentality that fans empathized with.

He may not have much of a stick, but he sure has a glove. Only Honus Wagner, Arky Vaughan and Dick Groat played more games in Pirates’ history at shortstop than Wilson. Since 2001, Wilson’s turned more double plays (832) than anyone in the Major Leagues.

The Mariners get a shortstop who is almost guaranteed to be penciled in to the starting lineup on a daily basis. Only Jimmy Rollins has played in more games this decade.

While covering the Pirates in spring training, Wilson was the popular answer when I asked fans who their favorite player was. Wilson and centerfielder Nate McLouth, who many fans dubbed Nate “The Great.” Months later, Pittsburgh traded McLouth to the Atlanta Braves. You can almost hear the collective sighs settling over Steel City like another layer of depressed smog.

Saturday, July 25, 2009

It appears a blood culture is going to send Vicente Padilla weezing his way into baseball infamy.

The Texas Ranger right-hander is not going down for steroids. Rather, he’s the first Major Leaguer diagnosed with the H1N1 virus — AKA the dreaded “Swine Flu.”

The 31-year old won’t be the last ball player to contract the infection that’s affected close to 400 people worldwide. After all, locker rooms are breeding grounds for all sorts of fungus, fuzz and algae.

Case in point, the influences of influenza led to the postponement of a Pacific Coast League game Friday night in Utah between the Portland Beavers and Salt Lake Bees.

We won’t have to wait until pigs fly before another big leaguer takes ill of swine flu.

So, how exactly did Padilla attract the nasty, pig-dubbed bugs?

Even if he traveled to his hometown of Chinandega over the All-Star break — a 4.67 ERA rarely gets you the fan’s nod — the likelihood of him contracting the virus was as slim as a bearded pig, a swine traditionally known for its svelte figure. Only 26 cases were reported in Nicaragua through early June.

Operating on the assumption that Vicente didn’t hop a Padilla Flotilla out of the country, let’s retrace some of his steps using baseball lineage and history to find out where he may have acquired the virus that’s left him not quite feeling like a pig in…well, you know.

Consider this swine search a Six-Degrees of Kevin Bacon, if you would.

Here we go:

Vicente Padilla pitched 19 games in his professional career for the Phillies’ Scranton/Wilkes Barre Triple-A affiliate.

Of course, Scranton/Wilkes Barre is no longer home to the Red Barons, nor are they even linked to the Philadelphia. Phillies farm hands one step away from the show now play their home games in Allentown, Pa., as members of the Lehigh Valley IronPigs. We have our first swine link.

The IronPigs (2nd) are the Triple-A farm team of the aforementioned Phillies (3rd); a ball club raised in a city largely designed by famed architect and native son Edmund Bacon.

In a cosmic twist, Edmund not only sired much of the city’s modern-day infrastructure, but also actor Kevin Bacon.

That sensation rippling down your neck to your arms right now aren’t goose bumps; they’re hog pumps. In football, they call that ‘pig skin.’

We’re already pretty far from where we started, but there’s no ignoring the swine theme. Just wait.

Edmund Bacon (4th) is the namesake of Eddie Bacon. Irony or coincidence isn’t lost on Eddie, a native of Frankfort, Kent.

Eddie is the only player in Major League Baseball history with the last name of Bacon. That’s a relatively low ratio considering there are 26 (the same number as Nicaraguan swine flu cases) Eddie Bacons on Facebook alone.

Bacon (5th) took the mound once as a member of, none other than, the Philadelphia Athletics. On Aug. 13, 1917, he gave up 7 walks and struck out none in six innings of work.

If Bacon is still alive today, he’s 114 years old and probably not hiding out in Bacone, Okla., or sending a grandson to Colchester, Conn.’s, Bacon Academy.

The chances are even better that Bacon hasn’t recently hung out, hacking and wheezing, with the Texas Rangers’ pitching staff and doled out cases of swine flu.

But it does bring us back to Padilla. And although we haven’t successfully proved a link between the pitcher and swine flu, we have traced a line in time of sickly pitching.Padilla’s and Bacon’s careers intersect at the nexus of mediocrity — proof that marginal pitching discriminates against no era.

Friday, July 24, 2009

Surely as kids, Chris and Shelley Duncan had their dust-ups between one another. What brothers haven’t?

Some of the best rivalries in all of sports are brotherly — think Peyton and Eli (Manning) or Ronde and Tiki (Barber).

Brotherly love took on a new twist in the Duncan household in Oro Valley, Ariz. when the Boston Red Sox traded for younger brother Chris on Wednesday.

The trade lands Chris, 28, in the belly of one of the most storied rivalries in the history sports in the Red Sox Yankees. Shelley, 29, plays for the New York Yankees’ Triple-A affiliate the Scranton/Wilkes-Barre Yankees.

Shelley’s already bore the wrath of the rivalry. In 2007, he allegedly John Hancocked a ball for a 10-year-old Red Sox fan adorned with the phrase “Red Sox Suck!” He later apologized.

As for the brother rivalry? Chris has gotten the edge over his older brother, hitting 55 career dingers to Shelley’s 8. Chris, a former Cardinal, is also the last player to homer in St. Louis’ Busch Stadium.

Despite playing in all but seven games this season for the Cardinals, the Red Sox will option Chris to Triple-A Pawtucket.

There’ll be no waiting for the brothers to collide in baseball’s ultimate enmity. Scranton/Wilkes-Barre and Pawtucket will meet on Aug. 1 at PNC Field (formerly known as Lackawanna County Stadium) in central Pennsylvania.

The young Yanks have won six of the eight meeting between the two teams this season.

BLAMMO

Would you believe these are two seventh graders?

Previous

RALLY KILLER

3.01.10

Jim Bunningplunked 160 batters in his 17 seasons as a Major League pitcher. Now, the Kentucky Senator is drilling up to 400,000 of the nation's jobless in the back with a fastball that will block the extension of unemployment benefits and jumpstart the furlough of 2,000 transportation workers.

Scientists using a giant atom smasher at the U.S. Department of Energy's Brookhaven National Laboratory in New York have achieved the hottest temperature ever created in a lab, reducing gold ions into the kind of ooze that existed seconds after the Big Bang (Reuters). The temperature of 4 trillion degrees Celsius replaces the former hottest substance on Earth: scalding cheese found in the first bite of a Hot Pocket.

KARATE KID REINCARNATE

2.19.10

There's a peg loose on the cork board in our kitchen that holds our car keys. It causes heavy - and seemingly possessed - key chains to randomly fall with a jangling thud.

Today, a set decided to make a jump for it as I was passing through. Whirling 180-degrees with my eyes closed, I snagged those keys midair just as they approached terminal velocity. That falling silver and bronze blur might as well have been a buzzing housefly; my body and mind the Karate Kid reincarnate.

My reflexes seem to be sharpening, despite the dulling of my aging body. At 33, I'd be considered a veteran - if not downright old - by professional athlete standards.

I'm blaming this resurgence on a theory I'm refering to as the 'Fatherhood Effect.' Chasing the falling objects that follow in my daughter's wake has honed my reaction time.

For more proof of this theory, look no further than New Jersey Devil goaltender Martin Brodeur. At 37, Marty the Party is enjoying one of the best seasons of his 19-year, hall-of-fame, career.

Brodeur became a father five-times over in November, when his son Maxime was born.

Should New Jersey win its fourth Stanley Cup this season, it stands to argue that Maxime and his four siblings deserve their own day with Lord Stanley's hallowed hardware - the traditional reward for its victors.

Enjoy Brodeur's heightened reaction time while it lasts, however, Devils fans. Before long, his skills will reach its own terminal velocity and crash to the kitchen floor with a thud.

- Sanchez' take on the fourth-quarter scoring toss that gave the Jets their first lead of game. Gang Green held on for the upset win, advancing to the AFC Championship game for the first time since 1998.

source: New York Daily News

POP GOES THE CULTURE life outside the bubble of sports

Recent Heisman-trophy winner Mark Ingram is a fast guy. The nine-time high school all-state (Michigan) track star needs about 10 seconds to run the 100-meter dash. Ingram, however, cannot outrun the Internet. Not only did the University of Alabama running back's Wikipedia page update in a matter of moments, so, too, did that of his father's - former New York Giant Mark Ingram Sr.

POP GOES THE CULTURE life outside the bubble of sports

Snack rivals Snyder’s pretzels and Utz potato chips have announced a merger of the two Pennsylvania-based munchies companies. The next logical step for the new conglomerate would be to branch out into roasted peanut sales. One can only assume their new product will be called Snutz.

FROM THE MOUTHS OF ATHLETES...

“It was definitely a greasy one, but we pulled it off and sometimes that’s what you need to try and get going.” - New Jersey Devils' goaltender Martin Brodeur either talking about the team's first win of the season, a 4-3 win over the Tampa Bay Lightning Thursday night, or about starting a grill in the morning at a deli. Source: AP

ONE TIMER...

Tedy Bruschi is more than just a man with a great party name. The 3-time Super Bowl-winner retired from the NFL this week after 13 years with the New England Patriots. Some quick facts about the University of Arizona grad: When Tedy left the UA, he left tied for the most QB sacks (52) in NCAA Division I history. Bruschi (pronounced Brewski) is the only NFL player to return four-straight interceptions for touchdowns. Off the field, he's played saxophone with the Boston Pops; and probably has the most bizarre middle names in all of sports: Lacap. Having a cool last name must come with some drawbacks.

ONE TIMER

No one can accuse the San Diego Padres of playing with a roster of juicers. The Pads’ futility toward the long ball is nearing comical proportions. With one more homer, San Diego first baseman Adrian Gonzalez will become the first Padre to hit 30 or more dingers in a season three times. To put that in perspective, Yankee third baseman Alex Rodriguez alone has gone deep 30 or more times in 12 of his 13 Big League seasons.

ONE TIMER

"That was unbelievable. I had goose bumps walking off there." - New York Yankee pitcher C.C. Sabathia commenting on the standing ovation he received while exiting Saturday's contest against rival Boston Red Sox after 7 2/3 of scoreless innings in the Bronx. Quote from NY Daily News

FLY, REDNECK, FLY

A country-fried rube takes a plunge into a mudbath at this year's Redneck Games in Dublin, Ga. Scott Salisbury caught this gem on camera. Visit www.summerredneckgames.com to find out what makes the annual event more fun than indoor plumbing.

ONE TIMER

Eli Manning has signed a $96.5 million extension to remain the quarterback of the New York Giants for the next six years. That's not an "extension," that's an entire new contract.

ONE TIMER

The Kansas City Royals need help and are willing to look anywhere to find it. The Royals -- they of an American League-low 40 wins -- are holding open tryouts throughout the summer. Think you got what it takes to play in the bigs? The next tryout is scheduled for Aug. 8 at Indian River State College in Fort Pierce, Fla. Bring your own glove.

Inge-a-Gada-Davida, The End of the Steroid Era

published July 13 on BleacherReport.com

It’s difficult to discern the moment when an era comes to an end. They’re not exactly tangible as, say, a pitcher’s ERA.

When Brandon Inge, however, steps into the batter’s box at Busch Stadium III tonight for the All-Star Home Run Derby, the embattled Steroid Era may officially be kaput.

It appears baseball has finally spoken.

Inge — who’s averaged 12 long balls a year in his eight- year, 115- dinger- career — is certainly All-Star worthy this season. But he’s not the face of intimidation with the bat. The Mighty Brandon at the Bat won’t be a fairytale we regale our kids with when we sit them down on our laps years from now to bore them to sleep.

Consider the case of Mark Reynolds and his 24 round trippers this year. If the Arizona Diamondbacks’ third baseman played in the American League, he’d sit tied atop the AL in the home run race. Unfortunately for Reynolds, he plays in the National League, where he’s an all-star snub.

The man Reynolds would be tied with, Carlos Pena, needed a final-minute stay-of-execution to kill his all-star break plans. The Rays’ first baseman needed the withdrawal of Boston Red Sox second baseman Dustin Pedroia to punch his ticket to the St. Louis’ Summer Classic.

The phone never rang for Russell Branyon. He and his 22 homers (second overall in the AL) will stay at home in Seattle. Couple other all-star snubs Ian Kinsler and Jermaine Dye (20 homers apiece) with last minute additions Inge and Pena and nearly half of the AL’s top-10 home run leaders aren’t all-stars.

Round-tripper racism doesn’t run as rampant in the National League as it does in the American. Three of the top-10 home run leaders — Adam Dunn (23 homers), Lance Berkman (18) and Reynolds — in the NL will spend the break in their cozy homes.

It stands to argue that the fans’ affinity for juiced-up bashers may be waning. Pena finished fifth overall in voting among first basemen and was beaten out in votes by the Rangers' Chris Davis, he of 32 career dingers.

Of course, there’s still Albert Pujols, who has as many homers this years as Davis has in his career. The St. Louis Cardinals’ first baseman is on a pace to eke by Roger Maris’ 61 home runs in 1961, a mark many fans regard as the un-asterisked record.

Pujols has seemingly dodged all steroid allegations thus far in his career. Come late September, perhaps he can chase Maris – if not Barry Bonds’— single season record. Perhaps then we’ll have another home run watch on our hands — the kind that harkens back to a forgotten era.

ONE TIMER

The New York Mets set a dubious MLB first earlier this season when the Amazin's trotted out a starting lineup that included three guys named Fernando. Lining up in the field behind starting pitcher Fernando Nieve were outfielders Fernando Tatis and Fernando Martinez. As ABBA would say: there was something in the air that night...

PHEATURE PHOTO

Even a regular, Monday night game against the Minnesota Twins in May is cause for celebration in the Bronx this year. Here a blimp perches itself outside of the new Yankee Stadium for the Bombers' home tilt against the Twinkies. In a recent poll of New Yorkers, nearly 60 percent of fans prefer the Mets' new digs in Queens (Citi Field) over the new House That George Built. This picture comes from Stephen Wuensch.

YANKS FOR THEMEMORIES

published in Bluffton Today 06.17.09

It'swhile waiting to cross the street at the abnormally long traffic light that separates the old Yankee Stadium from the new, where the heartstrings begin to unravel like a cleat in extra innings.

That subtle, burning sensation that begins irritating your throat isn't caused by vapors off the Harlem River, Major Deegan Expressway smog, nor nearby New Jersey. It's your emotions and they're trying to scratch their way out.

It turns out that all the ESPN features and YouTube.com videos in the world cannot prep the soul for its first trip to this nexus where affluent history and unimaginable greed collide.

As you idle at the light, your youth stands defiantly still behind you, as if holding its breathe to see whether or not you'll cross the street.

In front of you sprawls what can only be described as a contemporary Roman Coliseum, erected to guard a modern-day Louvre of baseball. That is, if the Paris museum was dedicated solely to Leonardo de Vinci.

Eventually you cross the street, hoping the ghosts that demonized opponents for nearly half-a-century at the old haunt are waiting inside.

It feels familiar. The flutist who plays the "Woody Woodpecker" theme on request and the Jimi Hendrix impersonator still hone their skills outside the stadium. Their efforts earn them each a dollar from your pocket; even if that means reducing your funding for one beer inside the stadium by 20 percent.

You'll need alcohol after struggling to get through the front gates. There are more security personnel wanding people outside of Yankee Stadium than there are working the portals of LaGuardia Airport.

The woman working your turnstile explains that they search bags for rogue booze bottles and hats for knives and razor blades. She gruffly details this process moments after quickly and recklessly swiping an index finger along the inside lining of your sweaty Yankee hat.

History may be reluctant to move into the new park, but clearly stupidity had no problem finding employment there.

Inside it's easy to spot the first-timers. They're the ones gawking at the cavernous ceilings and bigger-than-life pictures. Every inch of the stadium is either covered in photos from the Bomber's golden eras or plastered with advertisments.

Gone are the dark hallways, peculiar smells and standing, indoor puddles of water -- we tell ourselves it's water -- that dogged the bowels of the old building.

Gone is the dank. Some of us really enjoyed the dank.

The trip to your seats in the left-field bleachers is a quick lap around the inside-back of the stadium. Unlike the old edifice, the bleachers aren't isolated from the rest of the ballpark like some kind of baseball Alcatraz.

The walk goes by fast when you're gawking at sushi bars and steakhouses and snapping up photos of the pristine field from the open-air mezzanine corridor. You're so busy marveling over how much the new and old fields look alike, that you completely miss your section. Eventually you tediously traverse back to your seats.

Nothing's changed in the bleachers. Testosterone still fuels the fire as each fan attempts to out-do one another. The Minnesota Twins' early lead and plenty of tailgate booze only adds to the tension. The guy wearing the Twins hat does not go unnoticed or un-harassed.

But that doesn't matter. As the sun sets, it casts a soothing orange glow upon the right-field stands. You've barely gotten the two beer cans you've smuggled in a sweater past that security guard before Yanks' first baseman Mark Teixeira has you out of your seat with a home run.

"I can get used to this," you say to yourself.

A pitch later and Yanks' slugger Alex Rodriguez is circling the bases with another home run. You haven't even sat down before Nick Swisher is flying out to the warning track.

"This is ridiculous," you say, this time aloud. No one hears you; the stadium is too busy calming down from its tizzy.

The Yanks score all ther runs they'll need in the first two-innings, save for another Teixeira long ball. During the interim, there is plenty to take in on the field, in the stands and on the hundreds of Hi-definition televisions strewn throughout the entire complex - including the bathrooms.

You correctly pick the 4-train to win the Great NYC Subway Race between the fifth inning on the centerfield jumbo-tron. They really should call it a massive-tron.

Regardless, all appears right with the world.

In the end, Teixeira winds up hitting homers from both sides of the plate and a guy named (Phil) Coke got his first career Major League save in a stadium heavily branded by Pepsi.

The evening concludes with a nice tour of the Yankees' front office lobby. You have to sweet-talk the security guard to even catch a waft of the cool air that powers out of the doors when opened. A life-size bronze statue of infamous owner George Steinbrenner keeps guard in the corner of the sterile and enormous room.

It's here where lost-and-found is kept.

Among the lost, however, is not the missing wallet you seek. At least you still have your 20 oz. plastic souvenir cup. The one that cost $10.

It'll sit in the back of your cupboard with the rest of the novelty cups that trace your Yankee lineage back to your first game when your were 10 years old. On a shelf it will sit for eternity - or until the Yankees decide they need a new stadium. Maybe one day you'll drink from it; or perhaps you'll use it to one day mix paint or plant seeds.

No matter its use, it'll always serve as tangible proof that one day, you had the courage to cross the street.

ONE TIMER

Congrats go out to Ricky Henderson who joined Jim Rice in the Baseball Hall of Fame in Cooperstown on Sunday. Ricky debuted 30 years ago and ran his way to the top of the MLB all-time leaderboard in steals, runs and lead-off homers. Ricky was also a Hall of Fame quote machine. Among the gems: "Speech and me don't get along sometimes."

ONE TIMER

Forgive Mark Reynolds if he's asking where's the justice these days. The 24 home runs hit this season by the Arizona Diamondbacks' third baseman would rank him first in the American League. Unfortunately, Reynolds plays in the National League, where he wasn't selected to play for the All-Star team.

FROM THE SEATS...

The view from the left-field line during the Arizona Diamondbacks-Florida Marlins tilt on July 9 at Chase Field in Phoenix. The D-Backs squandered the biggest lead (7 runs) in franchise history in what ended up as a blow-out loss. This picture comes from Bill Peckham. Send us your pics from your seats...

BOO-YAH!

PROSE & CONS 04.20.09

I’d like to personally thank Boo Weekley. It’s because of him that I had to permanently add the term “ain’t” into my

Microsoft Word’s dictionary. I simply got tired of dealing with the scribbly, red line telling me that it’s not a word. I wouldn’t dare tell the two-time defending Verizon Heritage - the PGA's annual Hilton Head Island stop - champ that ain’t just ain’t a word. The pseudo word is firmly entrenched in his vernacular.

Instead of fighting it, I suppose it’s time to welcome back the Lowcountry’s favorite adoptive son.

Unless you’ve been living in a cave with your head under your armpits for the last two days, undoubtedly you’ve heard that the Verizon Heritage has lumbered back onto Hilton Head Island.

You’re going to hear a lot about Boo in the days to come. I know what you’re thinking: I’ve already heard enough about this guy and the tournament hasn’t even started. I alone have written three articles in the last 24 hours on the 35-year-old from Wilton, Fla.

The story of Boo is an important one. The guy is a real-life Happy Gilmore — a breath of…well fresh air isn’t the correct term…for the Tour. Weekley’s been able to accomplish what John Daly was never able to do, despite having a similar following.

Despite spending time at last year’s Heritage, I didn’t quite get the full Boo experience. I figured the stories of his redneck ways had to be overly exaggerated.

Boy, was I wrong. This guy’s a walking cartoon character.

This is a guy who referred to the Sea Pines Lighthouse as a deer hunting stand, said he likes the Sea Pines course because it’s “fat-person friendly” and rode a replica 1700s- style wooden driver along the fabled 18th fairway like it was a wild stallion. All in a five-minute span during Monday’s opening ceremonies.

Calm down my fellow fat people. Boo referenced himself as one of us.

Before I could hit the Sol Blatt Jr. Expressway on my way home to Bluffton, I was enamored with the guy.

Tuesday proved different. When I approached Weekley on the driving green he was gruff, as if someone had just kicked his favorite hunting hound. He answered all my questions but seemed to be annoyed before I got to him. After observing his driving, he looked more annoyed and gingerly favored his left leg a bit.

On Friday he missed the cut at the Masters. On Monday he blamed it on over-practicing. One has to wonder if his leg hurts more than he is leading on. If so, let’s hope he can play through the discomfort. There are a lot of people here hoping he becomes the first golfer to win three-straight Verizon Heritages.

It’s funny how a complete goof can un-starch the collars of some of Sea Pines’ most uptight people. Fact is, he’s a stand up guy; one who will sign autographs forever, donates proceeds to wounded vets and said he wants to walk the course on the fans-side of the ropes just to be with common folks like himself. He's even allowing Paul Olson, a disabled vet, caddy for him during the week's practice rounds.