Lessons From a Wise Sky. How to Behave Poorly on a Plane: a Primer

Anyone can behave considerately on a plane, but it takes real talent anda will of steel to make an ass of oneself in such a controled environment. If you follow these simple guidelines, however, you'll have no problem--but you'll certainly cause a few.

1. Piss-poor comportment on a plane begins even before the plane has left the ground, in fact even before you've boarded the bird. Here's how: Your boarding pass clearly states that your seat is 18f, but go ahead and get in the queue when the ground crew invites rows 35-50 to board the plane. If you muscle your way all the way to the front of the queue, you'll be perfectly positioned to carry out number 2.

2. Do NOT be in hurry. Take your time placing your twelve carry-on bags in the overhead compartment, and stick your behind into the aisle so that no one seated in rows 35-50 can get past you. If you're lucky, you'll be solely responsible for a late take-off. You won't be loved, but you will be noticed. And, after all, it's better to be noticed than loved. Right?

3. Headphones on? Check. iPad on? Check. Seatback reclined? Check. Tray table down? Check. If your mobile telephone is working, you should take this opportunity to call 20 people and have ridiculously superficial conversations--loudly--so that you miss the announcement to 'turn off all electronic equipment, return your seatback to the upright position and put your tray tables up'. Now, here's a nuance that slathers gravy all over this one: pretend you don't speak English when the flight attendant tries to get you ready for take-off.

4. You'd think take-off wouldn't avail you of any opportunities for practicing your piss-poor plane comportment--but it does. Why not stand up and go to the lavatory? The one in the front of the plane is best: you'll look more like a terrorist. Short of screaming 'I have a bomb!' getting out of your seat during take-off or landing is the piss-poorest prank you can pull on a plane. And I'm done with the Ps. No worries.

5. Fart. A lot.

6. Did you know it's considered good behavior to return your seatbacks to the upright position during meals? You won't want to remember this. In fact, to mix things up, you'll want to go horizontal on the guy behind you just as he's leaning forward to take a bite of his penne pasta in tomato sauce or just as he's leaning forwad to sip his red wine. If you do this just right--and with the right thrust--you won't make any new friends, but you will be noticed. (See number 2 above.)

7. You're generally a happy person. You enjoy meeting new people, and you love to talk. And talk. And talk. Who's the most entertaining rowmate on the plane? You are! If you're rowmate is reading or listening to music or watching a movie, stare at him until he has to look at you. "What'cha watching, amigo?" Expect an answer. If he doesn't remove his earbuds, remove them for him. And then talk, about anything. Tell this person your life story. Ask him to take notes.

8. And because you enjoy hearing yourself talk, you'll want to entertain the flight attendants while they're trying to get ready to serve 400 people dinner. Amble back to the galley and just talk...about anything. Talk to the flight attendants about your travels, about your family, about your health problems. And because we need a bit of gravy on this one too, hold a glass out occasionally for them to fill with red wine (it's their job!). Then ask for the bottle when they try to leave.

9. If you don't feel gassy at least you can smell bad generally. Bathing before boarding a plane is considerate, but it probably won't get you noticed . . . unless you bathe in something cloyingly pretty. Don't do that. Be noticed. Be strong.

10. If you really want to be noticed on a plane these days, you need to get a little wacky. If you've done all the above, you're on the right path. Why not take the path to the pinnacle of piss-poor plane comportment? (Sorry, I really really thought I was done with the silly alliteration.) Throwing up is nice, but make sure you do it ON someone. Don't waste it. And, whatever you do, don't apologize. After all, you were the one who was sick. You are the one who matters here. You are the center of attention on this flight.

I must be off,
Christopher
_____________________________________________________

Christopher Allen is the author of the absurdist satire Conversations with S. Teri O'Type, available from Amazon Anything and lots of other online bookstores. If you ask your local bookstore to order it, you'll get a sweet virtual kiss from the author.

Comments

I am psychotic on planes. I don't actually do anything but if you could read my mind while I sat there and seethed at all the people as they disappoint and enrage me with their slovenly uselessness...ahem, what I mean to say is that I agree with the salient points you make here.

I knew I couldn’t just get away with typing one response! why do I torture myself? I guess it's because I'm lazy and I don't want to use a PC. I insist on using my android to respond to posts. Anyhoo, very funny post though I do admit I'm jealous since I haven't been on a plane since 1999 . I better stop before I lose everything that I've just written and have to restart. happy travelling

Post a Comment

INSTRUCTIONS FOR LEAVING A COMMENT: To leave a comment, first choose how you would like to do so by clicking on the drop-down menu Comment As and select your provider. In many cases this will be Google if you have a gmail account. The quickest way to leave a comment is to choose Anonymous. Then write your comment and click on Publish. Then the blog will ask you to confirm that you are not a robot. Do this. You might have to click on some rivers or dogs, but it takes only a moment or two. Then click on publish again. You're all set. This should work.

Hi, sweet reader. I Must Be Off! is the expat, gluten-free photo-literary travel(b)logue of me, Christopher Allen. It's a visual journey. I hope you'll stop by and comment. You can also find links to my writing there.

My recent work has appeared in [PANK], FRiGG, Matter Press, The Dead Mule School of Southern Literature, and To Carry Her Home: Bath Flash Fiction, Volume One. My debut collection of flash fiction, Other Household Toxins, is forthcoming from Matter Press.