Wifey Wednesday: When Texting/Facebook Cross the Line

Texting and Facebook can all too often wreck marriages.

Today I want to talk about a letter I received from a woman recently. She writes:

I love my husband very much, but one thing that bugs me is that he is always receiving texts from another woman at church. He thinks it’s funny, and he keeps texting her back, but the texts don’t stop. I think it’s inappropriate for a married man to text with another woman, but they both think it’s harmless. Help!

So what should this wife do?

At the same time, I recently read an article that quoted a British study which found that Facebook was implicated in one out of every eight divorces. I personally know a few divorces where Facebook played a major role, because someone reconnected with an old flame.

So I thought today we should address the whole technological threat to one’s marriage.

Let’s start with some basic rules.

1. In marriage, there shouldn’t be secrets. That means you should be able to use each other’s phones.

If your husband won’t let you use his phone, or you hesitate before turning your phone over to him, you have an issue. You should never be texting or talking to someone of the opposite sex in a way that would make your mate upset. Everything should be interchangeable. If he’s texting another woman frequently, that’s a problem.

I know many of you have friends that you talk to on Facebook who are guys. I’m not saying you can never comment on a guy’s status, or “Like” someone’s status. I’m just saying that if you’re tempted to turn the computer screen away so your husband won’t see, you have an issue.

2. Remember that work relationships can easily cross the line

If I can be totally transparent here, the only times in my marriage when I have even been remotely attracted to another man has been in a work situation, when that guy really did not know Keith. Now, those things never went anywhere, and it wasn’t as if I had a crush or anything, it’s just the only times I ever even noticed that a guy was attractive were in scenarios where my husband didn’t know the man, like during my university days.

In a work situation, it’s very easy to think of yourself as separate from your husband, because your coworkers don’t tend to know him. And that’s when these things can creep in.

Now, I haven’t been in very many work situations in my marriage, so this really hasn’t been an issue for me. But most men are in these work situations all the time, and many women are constantly, too. We need to guard against these things.

I was texting a co-worker (someone I’m often on tour with) recently about a few things, but Keith was right in the car with me, and I was reading it as I texted it. (and laughed and read his reply out loud to Keith, too). I don’t think that’s a big problem. But texting constantly, when your husband doesn’t know, is wrong.

3. Don’t chat

Communicating information is one thing (sometimes with coworkers we have to); chatting is an entirey different story. I can’t really think of a scenario in which Facebook chat with a man who is not your husband is appropriate. If he needs counseling, for instance, you’re not the one to give it to him anyway. If it’s an old friend you’ve just found after twenty years, it’s more important to write a long “catch up” letter, with pictures of your kids and husband, etc., then it is to chat.

Chatting really starts a relationship and some intimacy, so don’t do it.

4. Talk about these boundaries with your husband

If it’s your husband that’s violating these boundaries, you need to talk about it. But asking him about a specific woman will often backfire. Instead, why not wait until you’re both relaxed and having fun, and then ask if you can talk about general boundaries.

Ask him what he’s comfortable with you doing: does he think it’s okay for you to text other men? To talk on Facebook to other men? To go out to lunch with male coworkers? How should you decide? Make it about you first. Then talk about him. Can he text other women?

Ask if you can regularly use his phone, and tell him he’s always welcome to check your phone. Leave it in a central place, and ask him to do the same.

If he can’t agree, then you have an issue, and you need to speak firmly about that. Affairs often begin over an emotional connection that people have made, and it’s easy to make that emotional connection over technology.

The problem with texting and Facebook is that while they can easily start a relationship, we see them as far less personal than phone calls, so we’re far more likely to do them.

I may never have picked up the phone and called an old boyfriend, for instance, but if he’s up on Facebook, that’s when people find it easy to “chat”. You wouldn’t phone, but you’d chat, and quite honestly, chatting can be worse. We’ll often type things we would never actually say, because it seems as if there’s a technological boundary between us. But there really isn’t. And it’s all too easy to step over that line.

This problem is only going to get worse as we’re all connected constantly, so we have to step in now. Set up boundaries. Make an open policy towards everything you do online or with your phone. Share passwords. Let him know that you WANT to be open with him, and ask him to do the same. And then be smart. Just because you don’t feel something for a guy now, and you have no intention of going down that road, does not mean that it wouldn’t develop if you started talking to him all the time. So don’t take the risk, and keep your eyes on your man!

133 Comments

Elizabeth Richmond
on May 4, 2011 at 2:19 pm

>I do chat with men who aren't my husband (usually friends from before I got married, which wasn't that long ago), but I use our joint Skype account that is always logged in on both computers (it doubles as a phone line). As a result, we can both see who the other person is talking to and all of the chats. My husband finds this irritating, but the fact remains that he can always see, at any time, what I've been talking about. He's never complained yet. 🙂

If he finds this irritating, then you need to respect him and stop. What if the tables were turned and you were irritated and he didn’t care? If you know he is irritated by it, then he has complained and you have chosen to turn a deaf ear, which he has noticed and decided that he might as well not say anything else because you are going to continue to do what you want to anyway, no matter how he feels about it.

I’m pretty sure she meant that he’s irritated by the fact that they can see everything – not that she’s chatting with other men. I don’t think his irritation means they should start hiding it all, do you?

I completely agree with you; there is nothing more defeating than having your significant other ignoring your feelings especially when you have voiced them. In this case, he hasn’t technically voiced them to you, so maybe ask how he truly feels about it? Maybe he isn’t sure how to bring it up to you? But the fact that you suspect that it irritates him, you owe it to him to talk about it and get his perspective on it.
If you mean that he’s irritated by the fact that you can see everything he says, then maybe talk about that as well. In my experience, it’s all about compromise and finding common ground.
Best wishes~

>My mother's marriage has been on the rocks for several years because my stepfather has had an emotional affair with a woman he started texting with from church. She's asked him to stop and he does, for a while, then goes back to texting her or other women. It is frustrating and sad to watch my mother's broken heart time and again.

My husband and I do not usually chat or text with those of the opposite sex (except family) and we do not go out alone for lunch with a member of the opposite sex. We have also made an agreement not to contact or friend our ex's on Facebook.

I used to have a problem with having a crush on someone that would happen quite by accident, so now as soon as I feel attracted to anyone, I tell my husband and I avoid that person at all costs until the feeling passes. That nips it in the bud quickly.

I can imagine how your mother feels, my husband has been texting and calling a female work colleague but he deleted all these calls and texts, I confronted him about this and he said I would not have liked the calls so what I didnt know would not hurt me but he denies any romantic or sexual contact, it has rocked my relationship to the core and I dont think it will survive much longer as my trust in him is gone!

This was us last year. It stopped or so I thought. On Christmas day I found his work phone with texts describing things I thought we as a married couple had only done. Both he and the woman say that nothing happened physically it has still caused a rift because I will always wonder if something has happened. My trust is shattered. I’ve been a stay at home mom for years and live away from my family so I feel lost and scared. He promises it will never happen again.Chavon recently posted…Smothered Chicken

I feel for you. I am same asked him for years to stop and always says he has but then he does it again. Says nothing in it but he doesn’t understand how it hurts me to the point I don’t trust him yet when we first met I trusted him with my life and 110 percent thought he would never do anything like that.

It is a horrible feeling. I found texts my husband and his much younger co-worker were sending each other. It didn’t seem like her texts had any emotional connotation, but his did. He called her “sunshine” and would text her for no reason. He has never called me, or his children or grandchildren sunshine or any other term of endearment. When I confronted him he said it was a nickname all the other guys had given her. She is the only female in that group. I told him it really hurt me and it was inappropriate. He said it was nothing, but I’ve noticed he deletes the texts. He doesn’t realize I see them on our cell phone bill. I also noticed he is constantly checking his phone. He didn’t lock it, because I’m sure he realizes that will make me suspicious. He’s invited her to our house because he said she is all alone out here, from another country. I’ve agreed to let her come over so I can see how they interact. I also sent her a text from his phone, but deleted it, telling her how much he loved me. I don’t know if she is interested in him, but I think he is in her. I will do whatever I have to, to preserve my 35 years of marriage.

my husband is texting a 21 year old and they send each other erotic emojis and stickers, they made dinner plans ,he lend her money on several occasions, which I found out from the texts, he did not want her to pay it back either. they also planned to go to a tattoo artist together which my husband frequents and this man knows that he is married. he calls her beautiful and I was just thinking about you and when she said she had a headache he replied that he could do something about that headache. I received copies of the text for whatever reason as e mails from his account in my in box and I confronted him , he denied any wrongdoing and said they were just goofing around and he would never cheat on me, he pretended to go off facebook , but he is back on, blocking me and my friends. I love him but all the trust is gone and I am contemplating to send him packing!!

Oh, that is so sad–and that is definitely crossing the line! I hope that you can get some counselling to help you through this. It sounds like you need to set some firm boundaries, and that’s not easy to do. But he needs to see the consequences of his actions. I’m so sorry!

frog nerd
on May 27, 2016 at 1:26 am

i free with allot of the things about not texting with the opposite sex but if you are that easily attracted to other men why are you even married to some one if there not holding your attention i know stuff happens and it has its ups and downs but it shouldn’t be a regular thing to constantly being attracted with other people. i just don’t like it when people say or act like marriage is this fragile construct that can just shatter at a moments notice it suppose to be that the feeling and bond s you have are so strong that it iron clade and I’m sry but it temptation flaunts it self to you that much i don’t even know why your inna marriage that’s a glass cannon

On the subject of opposite sex friendships. I recently uncovered this glaring disparity in opinion on the subject between my boyfriend and I.

I am admittedly jealous and have had to ‘suck it up’ when my boyfriend goes out with his friends to restaurants or bar type atmospheres. We are both previously married, (I’m divorce, he’s a widower), so this is not our first time out nor are we young kids. He is a consummate gentleman and shows me how much he cares for me so I’ve never had any real source of concern. Until recently. I was giving him a bit of a hard time, mostly teasing, about him holding the door open for a couple of women when he was on his way into a club. I was already inside and so they had no way of knowing he was with someone.

When prodded by him about the ‘big deal’ I engaged him in a little discovery of where the boundaries lay. I painted a scenario and asked him questions to find out what he felt appropriate limits are as follows.

You and your buddy are heading into a restaurant/bar and on the way in you hold the door for a couple of ladies. Harmless enough right? BF: Yes

Me: Now you and your buddy are seated at the bar having a bite or a beer and the ladies sit near you and initiate small talk. Do you indulge? BF: Sure it’s harmless.

Me: You discover you have something in common either work or hobby related. Do you exchange contact information? BF: Sure if we have something in common

Me: So you’re receptive to communicating with another woman? BF: Yes if we have things to talk about.

Me: What if she shares information about an event or exhibit that pertains to your common interest and suggests you go and grab coffee afterward? BF: Sure

Me: That’s why you cannot hold the door for someone. Because you don’t know where to draw the line.

This developed into a huge fight because I had NO IDEA what he thought was appropriate for boundaries and just assumed he was trustworthy.

Thank you! I agree that holding a door open is gentlemanly but if it initiates something else like further communication that he is exhibiting being either ill-equipped to curtail or just disinterested in curtailing, that’s problematic.

>I was listening to a Focus on the Family podcast awhile back and they were talking with a married couple that had come through adultery. The wife had cheated on her husband with a co-worker. More women now than ever before are starting affairs at work (because more women are working now than ever). I think that's an important thing to think about when you work outside of your home…and something to chat with your husband about too – as he's probably around other women too. As far as the FB thing goes, I agree 100% with what you've written.

>So VERY true. I know since I've just gone through this, although it never ended up in an affair it was/is really hard on our marriage. We are pretty open about our online interactions. I always have to check my husband's email to catch important emails because he doesn't check it (except for once a month) and we both know this (not like I'm checking up on him). Last month I found texts from a woman to my husband (somehow they defaulted to his email), one was a message and the other six were pictures of her.(thankfully clothed but still!!) Since my husband works out of town a lot and works late hours I couldn't contact him until about 9pm that day.. that was probably one of the hardest days of my life! My mind just went crazy with scenario's and I was on the verge of breaking down all day. Thankfully I remained calm when I brought things up, I didn't accuse him of anything but rather asked him to explain things. We had a really long talk that night. (no affair emotional or sexual happened, but a line had been crossed) Things are better now between us as we've gone through the boundary talk again, but it is definately a very hurtful experience. Even though I don't want to be 'that' wife constantly checking on her husband the need is there at times to know and be reassured that what he is telling me is the truth. My trust took a beating and it needs some TLC and thankfully my husband is understanding that I will need to search his phone at times, ask him questions about things in order to get that trust back.

For me, I use the thought of, 'If my husband were standing right here beside me, would I still be doing/saying this?'. Like someone said earlier, we need to be alert and on guard to protect our marriages!!

>This is a very important topic that I find a lot of people discounting. I went through a situation a year ago where a male friend from church started flirting with me – IRL, not online, but in such a way that no one else but me would have known if I hadn't spoken up. I sure didn't want to get him in trouble – he really is a good friend! – but it freaked me out and I was worried for him and his marriage, too. I got some counsel, told my husband, and then called my pastor…who very appropriately held my friend accountable. What's sad is that our friendship is basically gone – because he's had to set up a boundary of not really talking to me anymore for his own sake (we both know neither is mad at the other, though). I miss him as a friend, but I wouldn't have it any other way if that's what he has to do to maintain his marriage vows. My pastor has told me the man is grateful I spoke up to get him off a slippery slope.

>My husband and I recently suffered a rather serious blow to our marriage because of technology!

There were several areas where he had crossed the line and quickly started sliding down a slippery slope! He started chatting with a woman he met playing online games through FB. Most of the chatting was innocent, but he definitely crossed the line a few times by making inappropriate comments… things he would never say to someone he knew personally. Because it was online it didn't seem as "real". And he certainly hid the "friendship" and chatting from me! When I found out he immediately defriended the woman and we put tracking software on his computer so I can see every site he's visited, every chat and email.

As part of the reconciliation process, we also discussed his relationship with a widow in church. He's helped this woman with her son and the woman would often text and email him. I was able to explain to him that even though he considers the relationship completely innocent, he may be sending the wrong signal to a single woman. Women often read things into comments and form an emotional bond without the man realizing it! Now he reads me the texts or emails and I help formulate answers that keep the relationship friendly but not too friendly! Since then, her emails and texts have significantly reduced!

As we discussed these issues God did an amazing work in our marriage! We are closer now than ever (celebrating 20+ years of marriage)! We realized that although we would both say we were extremely happy in our marriage, we had both "checked out" and were doing our own thing. As we've been intentional about spending time together and doing things together our love for each other has grown!

>My Fiance and I had a similar boundary issue a few years ago. He didn't understand my concern, but thankfully he loved me enough to change his behavior anyway. Then a few weeks later he did understand. 🙂

In the middle of the whole thing I dug in to the scriptures and wrote a little piece of on the importance of jealousy in a relationship. I shared it above in the linky (even though it is actually a couple years old, is that ok?). I hope that it might be helpful for some people.

I think texting and chatting are fine. I’m not the type to initiate those things but I’ve replied to them, sometimes with my husband there, sometimes not. In this digital age, it’s like getting a phone call. I’ll even tell Hubby, “Oh, I talked to so and so today” just as I would with a phone call. I’m often the one organizing events and bible studies so I get calls about what’s going on, or people know my husband is away with work and call to check up on our family. I am incredibly careful with my demeanor and avoid a man if he makes me feel awkward. Those are my lines.

The line is probably being crossed in the example of the woman who wrote the question. The man and woman don’t consider their texts harmful, because they know there is nothing behind them, but the wife has stated that she is uncomfortable and nothing has been done to include her or be more transparent and that’s the problem. It is not because of some rule about married people talking to the opposite sex…in my humble opinion of course.

This is an absolutely great article. I went through a divorce a year ago for various reasons on both sides. My wife and I were married one year. We relocated so she could take a job that she ended up quitting after a month. This left me driving 60 miles one way to work every day, and my job requires late nights sometimes too. Anyway, her time she spent at home after quitting her job was spent texting and on Facebook. Her phone was constantly going off while we were out at dinner, etc. Basically all the time. I went to unplug her phone one day to plug mine in and a text conversation from an ex boyfriend popped up. A very inappropriate conversation. Needless to say I started checking her phone while she wasin the shower because she never left it laying around except when she got in the shower. Anyway. I came to find out her mom had been badmouthing me starting two months after we were married because I had some past baggage I brought into the marriage and my wife was badmouthing me to other men, blaming me for the situation we were in even though we moved there for her and I took my job that I still have for her.All I’m staying to anyone that is in a relationship that struggles with this….technology is great but it is also a crutch. Set boundaries with your significant other with phones and Facebook and stuff like that at night when you have your few hours together. I used to put my phone on silent in the evenings so I wouldn’t be disturbed during the short time I got to spend with her. Also, from experience, if you don’t want your significant other reading it then you probably shouldn’t be typing or sending it. My advice, just be totally honest and open and COMMUNICATE.

it’s an issue too between me and my husband. My husband met a co-parent in my son’s dormitory. My son and this woman’s son are roommates and are good friends too. Apparently , my husband and the other kid’s mom became friendly maybe because they see each other twice a week whenever they come to pick up the kids and bring them back to the dorm. At first, i did not mind the texts and calls. They are usually about our kids’ activities, etc. Then, when my son got sick, the woman kept texting my husband about my son’s condition. Later on, her kid started to ride in the car with my husband. It was then when the calls and texts became frequent. The woman would text my husband’s whereabouts when its time to pick up the kids every 10 minutes or less. And my husband would reply to all her texts. One time i noticed a text message which was obviously just a follow up to previous conversations. My husband deleted the previous texts. And when i asked why all of a sudden he deleted the texts , he said because he knew i’m the jealous type and the texts might upset me. This made me really furious coz it just meant that the texts messages aren’t innocent anymore and if my husband thought i’d get mad at the woman’s texts then obviously he finds the texts to be something that might offend me. I confronted my husband and he insisted it was all innocent. But i didn’t believe him. I asked him why is the woman so comfortable in talking and texting him when he told me that he never talk to her in person and don’t see each other in the dorm. I told him, no woman in her right mind would be texting and calling another man’s husband when they are not close. I told my husband to stop all communications with the woman and forbade him to talk to her ever. I got suspicious and saw emails between the two of them. My husband would delete the emails but i saw them in the recycle bin. Innocent, duh? The texts messages and calls didn’t stop instantly. it took another serious fight when my mesage finally got to my husband. See, how so called , “harmless and innocent messages” turned to personal things and an emotional affair. Still, the damage has been done. And up to now, i can still feel the pain. It ruined my happy relationship with my husband. And I dont think i could fully trust him again. Guess, i would never feel thesame way with him again.

What if your husband is sending pictures to a co worker and telling her he wants to jump her bones and he misses her a ton I’m so confused we have been together for 1.5 married since may I can’t even look at him the same I’m not sure I can get it back he took the picture in the kitchen sat his phone face down it just make me sick to think he would do that to me I’m very open I leave my phone out introduce him to all my old friends his text are normally limited to 2 and he would say that’s all he got all day I guess he forgot to delete them on a day he made me feel uneasy hmm so much more led up to me suspecting something I’m just at a loss and I feel like retaliating in the worst way

My husband opened facebook and gave nearly 250girls,and he loves my heavy reaction..I don’t trust him at all and it is the second time now that the sent their naughty fhotos to his personal Mobile nr.there must be boundaries. But he loves all the kicks he got out of it. I can’t stand it any more. It feels like adultry here

What do you do when you want to keep honesty open with your spouse, but he gets jealous and it hurts him? For example, I am on facebook, my husband is not. I tell him when men try to chat with me, or hit on me, or try to friend me on facebook. It upsets him that so many men seek me out. I was told that I should not have to tell him every single time it happens, but I hate the idea of hiding it from him. I also get hit on a lot when I’m running my errands. I tell him when I do, but he gets sad and jealous. Should I stop telling him?

Why don’t you set up your FB as a joint account? Put his name in the title with yours and have your profile picture of the two of you instead of just you. That’s what I do. My husband really doesn’t want a facebook but I included him in mine for several reasons. One so his family and old friends could find us and Two, so it could keep BOTH of us accountable. Hope this helps! 🙂

What if your husband could care less if you text other men, and he even ASKS you to text his friends on a more regular basis because he doesn’t want you to come across as rude?? I am constantly confused at my husband’s desire for me to interact with other men. Would he have a problem with me meeting up for lunch with an old boyfriend? Yes. But pretty much any contact aside from that, he encourages. I feel 110% different than him. I don’t think texting, calling, skyping, facebooking, etc, any other women is at all appropriate and definitely not necessary. I talk to his friends plenty when we’re all in a group setting. But to add private communication with them to my daily schedule, is just downright weird! I swear, my husband is the most trusting husband of all husbands ever created. I have had heart-to-hearts with him before that I know for myself personally, it would not be good to have continual conversation with another man. He just dismisses that by saying, “Oh it’s fine, I know you’d never do anything to hurt me.” But I beg him to realize that I am human and not above Satan’s promptings. It is the same when he points out the ripped guy at the gym, or the male model on the underwear packages. Maybe he’s just trying to “prove a point” that just because there is an attractive person doesn’t mean you have to take it too far in your thoughts. For personal reasons and something that happened to me to make me this way, I am extremely threatened by ANY attractive girl. Maybe he’s trying to show me that he isn’t intimidated by other attractive men, so why should I be of other women??

Things like this make me hate technology. Once the trust is gone in a relationship, it’s gone! If you think it’s harmless to text/email as described in this article, you are wrong and in denial. Respect the relationship!

My wife texts a male in what I consider excessive. I have found sexual explicit conversations with a different guy, when confronted, I was told it was my fault for not paying attention to her. I called the guy, his response was, if you treated her right she wouldn’t text me. What?
It appears now we can get “self justification” for these affairs.
Enter the new guy, and well, it hurts.

I am so sorry, I know how you feel.. Its not justifiable period, did she communicate to you how she was feeling prior to this. I feel alone a lot but, i would not go as far as to cheat or have inappropriate conversations with someone even though the vengeful side of me wants to cause him pain.. I tell my husband what I am feeling at the time i feel it. I ask him since he is the one who betrayed me how he would feel if i did it to him.. honestly he is lucky I am still around and not filing for divorce. The problem is everyone wants to point there finger in her case its at you.. but in reality she chose to do what she did instead of trying to work it out with you.. unfortunately people don’t honor their vows, people get selfish, people blame others, and people dont want to take responsibilities for their own actions.. I am a firm believer that either you grow together with work or you grow apart.. takes work to stay together that’s for sure I still have no trust for my husband but I am trying if she doesn’t want to stop and work it out with you let her go you deserve better.. The first thing i told my hubby when i found his text is to pack it up so i can take you to her since you miss her so much funny thing is we have only been married 2 months when it started i said if you don’t want to be here by no means do i want you here.. and that is a promise I hope you can work it out I am still fighting myself to work out mine sorry bout the rambling ..

What about my daughter’s boyfriend (14) who happens to be my son’s best friend too. Let me be clear, there is no sexual talk nor has there been any line crossing in that sense. Reviews seem mixed on whether adults should be such close friends with children/teens. My wife texts him nearly every day, for hours at a time. I’ve read many of the texts, and they have a lot of common interest in music, my kids, their common upbringing, etc. However she spends so much time and energy on this “friendship” that it’s caused months of fights and anxiety. Much of the banter that goes on is “flirtatious” fighting, bickering, laughing at inside jokes,etc. She does not see it as wrong, as she thinks we should all try to be friends with “everyone” in an increasingly Godless world.

I guess I’m going to be the odd one out here but mostly because I don’t have enough information to make a better judgement or maybe I missed a part in your post that would justify your wife being labeled as a pedophile(!).

The 14 year old seems to have strong ties to your family through the other 2 relationships already. If it was a random kid from church or the community, I think that would be a red flag.

Does your wife text your children also? If she does, it’s just how she is communicating with him.

Are any messages group texts with your other children? How do they feel about the texting?

To me, as my children bring other children into our home, it is my job to be friendly and open to them, regardless of their home life or faith. It is my witness to them. If nothing she/he has said has crossed any lines and she’s not neglecting other areas of her life by texting him (obsessive level) then I don’t see anything wrong with it.

However, you mentioned months of fighting between the two of you so I would say that you, as the head of the family, has raised the concerns and she has dismissed them. Time to go visit the Pastor or another trusted friend to weigh in on the argument with godly wisdom (they would know your family personally and have more insight over us online only). Any human relationship putting a barrier between a husband and wife should be closely examined.

Hey Ed, although I agree with your wife that we should befriend one another, I disagree that this includes constantly talking, chatting or “innocently” flirting with a teenage boy (or anybody else for that matter). Speaking from my own personal experience, “friendships” such as these tend to turn into emotional relationships, which in turn can lead to physical relationships. Your wife is on a very slippery slope. It seems to me that from your discussions with her, she sees this as no big deal. I would try to change tactics. Instead of focusing on this particular relationship, maybe you should try talking to her about the boundaries in your relationship (hers and yours). Maybe you could say something along the lines of, “Honey, I know that you feel that it’s important for us to befriend other people, especially in this godless world. That’s actually one of the things that I admire most about you! That being said, I think that we should discuss our boundaries, especially as it relates to individuals of the opposite sex.” Then you guys could discuss your particular opinions on what makes for a good boundary, discuss areas for compromise, and then hopefully come to a solution that allows your wife to interact in an appropriate way with members of the opposite sex. Though I’m not married, I’ve often heard that married couples who have opposite sex friends should only be friends with opposite sex individuals who are also friends with the spouse. This keeps the relationship a little more accountable. Also, you guys should probably have free access to each other’s phones, computers, etc; this transparency will encourage both of you to be aware of what you say and do with people of the opposite sex. I know I’m no an authority on his at all! but I hope my suggestions help you!

Thank you, DA. It’s reassuring to hear the thoughts of other individuals. I agree that our phones, computers, etc should be open — but how do I have this conversation without her saying “she feels stiffled….as if she’s being babysitted….and that I don’t trust her to do the right thing”.
She just turned forty, and I know she’s dying for outside attention, particularly from the opposite sex. She says it helps her to be more self confident, which in turn helps her to feel closer to me. I’m torn here.

Ed, there may be no way that you can get her to change. But you can still draw boundaries. You can say: “we’re in a marriage, and that means transparency and it means faithfulness. If you can’t give that to me, then I need to reevaluate how much I can open up to you. If you are choosing other people over me, then that will put me in a position where I have to make some tough choices, too.” Basically, right now she can have her cake and eat it, too, so why wouldn’t she? Great books on how to handle this sort of issue are Boundaries in Marriage and Love Must Be Tough, which talk about how to set up boundaries when a spouse is endangering the marriage.

Yes, thanks for the thoughts. I know that she’s had her cake and been able to eat it. Good way to put that. There seems to be such a fine balance of being a patient husband and letting her work through things in her own way (knowing that the sparrow when allowed to fly free will return to it’s loving home) versus allowing this slippery slope to become more slippery and damage her heart, as well as our marriage. I setup a meeting with a family conselor, but I’d rather fix it on my own, so she does not feel “ganged up on”. This is hard — and she’s not even cheating (at least in a sexual sense). Am I missing anything here?

Sheila
on January 14, 2014 at 10:11 am

I think she is cheating. Giving something to someone that you should only give to your spouse is cheating. We see it only in sexual terms, but becoming emotionally attached to someone, or flirting with someone, is also wrong, because those are two things you owe only to your spouse. That’s the way I see it!

Ed
on January 14, 2014 at 10:25 am

So do you see a way to ask/tell her to stop without making an ultimatum (i.e. you stop doing this or I leave). Maybe I’m being too nice, but I’m trying to protect my marriage from anything that will break it apart (like an ultimatum that perhaps she would not accept).
At the same time, I know that this is not right and has to change. Maybe I don’t have a choice? Either hard-line stance from me, and she’s upset and leaves, or some middle ground? This seems so ridiculous with a 14 year old boy. Perhaps I just tell him to stop? I’d rather keep him out of it. But he keeps it going too!

Sheila
on January 14, 2014 at 12:10 pm

Ed, you could also talk to his parents. Tell them what’s going on. Or tell your wife that if she doesn’t stop, you will have to talk to the boy’s parents. What she is doing is really flirting with a line that is completely inappropriate to cross. I think you do need to take a hard line, especially for the sake of the boy.

mandy
on June 10, 2015 at 1:15 pm

my son is almost 14, I can honestly say I would be horrified to be texting one of his friends. It seems to be that even if their ‘relationship’ always remains banter and nothing more, it is STILL wrong. Ask her what she would think of a 40 yr old man texting a 14 yr old girl constantly. Or if another mother was constantly texting her son that way. She is feeding on the attention of child, and to be blunt, it is disturbing. I would do as Sheila suggested and tell her that if it continues, you will go to the boy’s parents. Is your wife really willing to be labeled a pedophile for a little attention? I realize she doesn’t see it as that way, but she needs to understand the slippery slope she is on. And if not for your own marriage, take a hard stance for this BOY that she is doing this with. This could be devastating for his life as well. I will pray for your marriage and your heart in all this Ed.

I agree with Mandy. For the sake of the child for heavens sake do something. I’ve been the 14 year old child…. it’s disastrous. And even if it is completely platonic on your wife’s part (which it could be) it may NOT be on his part and allowing a 14 year old to engage emotions this way… well it’s not fair to them. If she needs that type of attention she should be getting it from you. If she isn’t that is something else that should be addressed. If she is… well personally I’d say the line in the sand is the way to go… obviously I doubt we are getting full picture. Hard to do in messages like this… but this is disturbing to me. Honestly I’ve been that 14 year old and had one really great instructive healthy relationship with a youth leader (male) who helped me out a lot but I knew his wife and family and we spent a lot of time collectively together. I was also the 14 year old with the messed up Uncle who took major advantage of the emotional state of a 14 year old and everyone thought it was hilarious would make jokes even… it wasn’t funny and took years and a lot of heart ache. 14 year olds are NOT emotionally equipped to deal with these situations. For the sake of the child… do something.

I need advice. My husband plays online games. Sometimes he gets befriended by women- sometime with scandalous profile pictures. He accepted their friend request because they can help his game. This resulted in flirty conversations with these girls. (In his past, he has struggled with porn addiction, emails to ex-girlfriends, and even joined single sites and discussed meeting these girls.) When I caught a message from one of his online gaming friends asking if he wanted to see more pictures I addressed the problem. He admitted to needing help (he never sought help for his past issues just promised to stop) and has since entered counseling.
He still plays the game and has since deleted every friend with a scandalous pictures. But- there are still girls that befriend him and he talks about the game. Yesterday, I noticed (we were sitting together on the couch) he was talking to a girl and at the end of it he gave her his actual name (not user name) and that bothered me. I know he is really making and effort to regain my trust and I think he means it completely innocent. AND I don’t know if I am over-thinking this because he has problems in the past and I still have serious trust issues. Is it normal for people to give out their names? I feel like that crossed the line into “chatting.” Am I being irrational and suspicious because of his past?

Hey Kimberly, I wouldn’t necessarily say you’re being irrational (due to his history). I personally would never give my real name to someone unless I was chatting with them. I can’t say whether or not your husband is doing this out of naïveté or not, but I would definitely talk to him about this whole topic in general. I believe that when a spouse sins, it is important to forgive and forget. However, I also think that you and he must put up the necessary safeguards based on his past weaknesses in certain areas. I don’t know how open your husband is, but I think that the best thing for him to do would be to avoid chatting, emailing, or even texting women who he is not directly related to. If I know that I have a weakness for alcohol, then I would do my best to avoid situations that make it easy to get alcohol. I would even go so far as to avoid social situations that might lead to alcohol drinking! Why? Because I don’t want to go down that same road. When we see sin as something serious, we are much more likely to take drastic measures to protect ourselves (and our marriage). Try to come at him in a respectful, but loving manner that says to him “Because I love you and want to protect our marriage, I want us to do whatever it takes to keep our marriage safe.” And last but not least, pray that god will touch and change your husband’s heat and opinion on this matter. Hope this helps!

My wife texts back coworkers using my phone and texting as me. She is always uncomfortable with other women in the workplace. I have recently had to tell my boss of this as I do not want it to go on. My phone is always available to look at and I have nothing to hide. I am worried she may do something that will effect my employment. Please help. Thank you

This is a very strange situation. I’m honestly not sure what to tell you :-/ I can understand a spouse wanting the right to view your phone whenever they please. But sending messages as if they’re you? That is taking things a little bit too far imo. I would not use that phone to message coworkers anymore. I would even go so far as to delete my coworkers’ numbers from that phone. You could also try talking to your wife about your concerns, but I don’t know how she would take this. I know it’s been a while but I hope that you figured something out by now.

My husband and I are friends with a couple from church. We hang out together and sometimes the wife and I do a girl’s outing. Several times the wife has contacted my husband through Facebook messaging about different things: a few times about the four of us hanging out , another few times just to ask how we are, etcetera… Is it strange that she would FB him instead of me directly to arrange an outing or to ask how we are? I never privately chat with her husband. She knows I am accessible by FB and by phone text. What do you guys think? My husband always tells me when he hears from her. So he is not hiding it and seems not to think anything of it.

“Is it strange?” IMO, yes. Should you do anything about it…I’m not sure :-/ So far the conversations don’t seem too bad (however, this can easily be a slippery slope). Your husband appears trustworthy (however, I always tell others that nobody is invincible & sometimes it’s a “slow fade”). For now, I think your husband is doing what he should be doing by letting you know about their convos (kudos to him!). This other woman on the other hand I can only venture to guess why she constantly contacts him instead of you o_O If I were you, I would either 1) talk to my husband about my feelings about this so he could deal with her directly (for instance, he could response to ALL of her messages with “I’m not sure about this outing. Why don’t you run it by my wife…”–eventually I think she’d take a hint 😉 ) or 2) talk to the other woman directly (say something along the lines of “my husband and I have a rule that we don’t message/chat with individuals of the opposite sex unless we’re in the presence of our spouse. If you would like to schedule an outing, feel free to let me know! I’m available at 012-345-6789 and my email is [email protected].”). If she responds positively, then you’ll know you had nothing to worry about. If she responds negatively, then she’ll just have provided evidence that her behavior was “strange” and she had an agenda. This is just my opinion of course, take it or leave it!

I think texting or messaging members of the opposite sex is a good way to really cause a problem in your marriage, especially when members from the church or co-workers. I find this extremely difficult to deal with. If you love your husband/wife, surely you don’t want to cause them this pain. Isn’t this planting seeds of distrust. Being a victim of infidelity in my previous marriage, this is even more significant to me.

I’ve recently just gone through similar and I have seperated with my wife after nearly 2yrs. I caught her out a few times in the past before and after marriage using oasis active and her status was seperated. Needless to say this caused arguments and trust issues. She says she was only looking for friends but after the second time I told her if they’re friends she can talk on facebook not a dating site. One day recently I was transfering downloads from my wife’s phone onto the pc and noticed an odd conversation where she asked a guy if he was gay as he sounded it on the phone. Anyway she told me about the message but only the ones she thought I saw. The conversation turned to flirting later that night with him and I saw it all when she went to sleep. There were other guys too she was sexting but this one seemed like dating to me. I confronted her but she kept lying to cover her tracks but I was smart and only let her know what I knew bit at a time, she even told him we were already seperated. I left her but she talked me into having a break until I see a counselor. We even booked a hotel room to stay in but I found the night beforehand she was still texting this guy. She claims she slipped up when telling him we were apart and corrected him in a conversation she had on facebook, conveniently deleted to save space on her phone (yes I know it’s not stored locally) she tried saying we were seperated so it doesn’t matter but even after I then laid down boundaries and specifically said to not sext, she still kept doing it this time on facebook. I let her know I don’t trust her anymore and that I can’t keep doing this so we’re getting divorced. Though even now she wants to work things out with me but she’s still texting other men telling them she wants them, one is even married aswell. She still claims the main guy she texted was nothing but friends and he knew about everything but it’s funny how he has ignored her once I told him the truth. He seemed like a nice guy who doesn’t deserve to be played. And it turned out most of the guys she talked to and met on facebook.

I recently looked at my husband’s cell phone and found he was texting other women. He said they are just his friends but he became very upset when I confronted him. He never apologized and we haven’t spoken since that day. I’m on the verge of wanting a legal separation.

I’m so sorry you’re walking through this! I’m a firm believer that nothing thrives in darkness; we have to shed light on things, and there shouldn’t be secrets. You don’t need to feel guilty about checking things out or confronting him. Now you just need to figure out how to set boundaries and help him see where he’s heading. One of the best books for that is Love Must Be Tough. I hope that helps!

Yolanda, I’m sorry to hear what you’re going through. If these women were just “friends” there would be no need for him to get upset. As Sheila said above, nothing thrives in darkness. I personally don’t believe that married individuals should make a habit of texting individuals of the opposite sex. Texting is a VERY slippery slope that can lead to other things (I.e., texting lewd images, cybersex, etc.). I know that you are hurting right now but in my personal opinion, separation is not the answer. And giving him the silent treatment won’t help the issue (it’ll only lead to a buildup of anger and resentment–and I’m talking from experience!) You obviously care deeply about your husband (otherwise, you wouldn’t have confronted him after seeing the text messages). Don’t let your feelings of anger/hurt cloud your judgment. What I would suggest you do is sit your husband down and talk to him honestly. Tell him how it made you feel to discover that he was texting other women. Remind him about how much you love him and how much you want to protect your relationship. Then talk about the importance of setting boundaries (I’m pretty sure your husband wouldn’t want you texting other men under the guise of them being “just friends”). If he sees the error of his ways, then good. If he doesn’t, you may want to bring this up with your pastor so that he can try to talk to him as well. I pray and hope that you guys are able to get past this and come out stronger because of it!

My husband and I have been married 21 years…a couple months ago a new single female started working where my husband works…I noticed shortly after she started working there my husband would come home from work be depressed, seem unhappy, wouldn’t talk much to me, was very snappy with me, when he would speak it would be very harsh…and all of a sudden he would tell me things like I won’t have time to call or text you today (when he’d be at work) I would say that’s ok, I know your busy. But no contact during the day was very odd…..back on june 1st 2014 my husbands message alarm went off on his cell phone…the message said ” are you working tonight ? (Which …….sometimes my husband did have to work till late night..I also noticed it was from a females name that I didn’t recognize from his work..when I asked him who it was he got nrevous and defensive…I told him to text her back and ask her why does she want to know that…he wouldn’t do it..doing research in his phone I. Went to recent and frequent calls and saw where for a couple of months they have been texting and calling each other every day 18 to 19 times …and this is from someone who claims he doesn’t have time to talk to me though during the day..strange hua??..I tried to find the text and he said he deleted them…I asked him why did he do that..he said they wern’t a big deal..I told him if there so innocent then I want to see a copy of them through his cell phone carrier …he goes irrate and tells me to drop it…he promised me if she text him again he wouldd let me see it…well he called me Saturday from work and said she text him..he claims he read me all the text but when he got home I wanted to see it and once again he deleted it…he also said he deleted her phone number out of his phone in which I knew her name and phone number..but come to find out he put her number back in his phone but under a guys name but with the same last name..I was furious…he tells me tht if I don’t stop asking him to see those text he’s leaving me…my opinion, if the text and calls were so innocent why did he delete them and why wouldn’t he want me to see them if it meant saving our marriage…anybody got any suggestions ??…please help….he saws nothing has happened but why all the secrets ??

JM, I’m sorry about what you’re going through. In this case, I think it’s reasonable to assume that there is something going on between him and this woman. My mom always said, if you have to keep it a secret you probably shouldn’t be doing it. Your husband’s “relationship” may be strictly emotional in nature, or it may have gotten physical. Either way, he has crossed the boundaries of your relationship. What I think is revealing is that the more you pushed to get information about his interactions with this woman, he eventually gave you an ultimatum…as if you were the guilty party! I am totally against divorce, so here’s what I would do. If you attend a church, go and talk to your pastor about this issue. Your husband is sinning against you and against God (I.e., by breaking your marriage vows to abandon all others); and unfortunately, he is not at the point where he sees the need to confess, ask for your forgiveness, and truly repent by breaking off all interactions with this woman. The pastor may schedule a meeting to see him separately or with you (I’m not sure how your particular church works), and will try to get him to see the error of his ways. Your husband may be stubborn at first, but if he is truly saved, I think he will breakdown and admit what he’s done. At that point, you guys will have a long road ahead of you in order to get past this (e.g., counseling, boundary setting, special software on computers, no privacy on phones, shared social media, etc.). If your husband refuses to admit what he’s done, then chances are he is either 1) unsaved, or 2) a backslidden Christian. At that point, talk to your pastor to see what your recourses are. As I mentioned earlier, I am anti divorce; however, the Bible does make allowances for divorce in the case of infidelity. I know that you must be hurting right now because of his actions, but please carefully weigh your options before taking this route (especially since you’ve been married for so long). If you have kids, that may also factor into your decision. I pray that God grants you the wisdom and courage to make any decisions you have to make regarding this issue. Don’t lose hope! Remember to pray constantly (especially for your husband). God can change anybody’s heart!

I started talking to a father of a child from our daughter’s soccer team. He had recently divorced and was always at practice and games. Soon the chats turned into phone calls, facebook, and hundreds and hundreds of text messages-pictures. He was easy to talk to and made me feel so alive. When my husband came to games we always kept it friendly, but of course I knew what I was doing was wrong. Though we never actually had sex, we would make time to get together, hold hands, and cuddle. My excuse was it was one of our daughter’s friends. One day I left my phone out and hadn’t deleted all the messages from one of our late night “talks”. My husband came home from work and picked mine up to call and check on his mother as his phone was dead. The greeting he got was a lewd message that had been left over from the previous night. It simply destroyed my husband. He had a mental breakdown, lost his job of 14 years, and caused a divorce that has absolutely crushed our family. It is a very slippery slope and I never meant for any of this to happen. It just got out of control so quickly I don’t even know how. We are currently in counciling but I can tell my husband will never be the same. I loved my husband dearly and wish I could take this all back. I never realized how he would feel or think about this. Long story short I tried to lie and cover things up initially in panic mode. My husband simply came to a game one day and confronted this man in front of everybody and he confessed. It was and simply is the most humiliating thing I have ever been through, but I still didn’t realize what I had done until my husband actually checked into a mental outpatient hospital. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks and all that is left is to pick up the pieces and try and move on. I have lost the love of my life, our kid’s father, and am praying for his health. All because if being stupid and not paying attention to what I already had. Please please please pay attention to your marriage because somethings can never be repaired.

Shelly, thank you for sharing your story. It’s a great reality kick in the pants for those who are struggling in this area. I will pray for reconciliation in your family–I have seen it happen, and I do believe that God loves reconciliation.

I second Sheila’s comment. Shelly, thank you for your transparency. A lot of times, certain things in life are just slippery slopes that the Devil uses to get a foothold in our life. I pray that God makes reconciliation possible for your family, and I pray that God gives your husband the strength and grace to forgive and hopefully move on from this. Stay strong and keep praying!

So sorry for your husband and family, sorry for you too 🙁
I hope it will work out. I wished I could show your story to my husband but I can’t as I know he will tear the story and all in it apart. He’s not like that ! He will never let it go this far. Even though I found text where he and this woman he used to date are sharing emotional text, about their short dating time, how she cares deeply for him etc yet he will never let it go further he says. Its already gone to far 🙁

I within the last few months found out that my boyfriend was messaging a “friend” that is a woman and the messages were over the line with comments that were being date by both parties. I confronted both of them about the situation, both insisted they’re just friends. After talking to her she admitted it the things being said were inappropriate and it had gotten out if hand and shouldn’t have happened and insisted it would stop. He on the other hand didn’t understand what was wrong! He says he has a lot of women that are friends and this is true and I know some of them but when he hides them and deletes messages from them then yes there is a problem.
I don’t have a problem with him having friends that are women but he seems to have a few that I don’t know about and he intentionally hides it. It’s not till recently I found out about another one of his so called friends and just like the other one she’s going through a hard time with a separation and divorce. He seems to fall into the trap of being nice and being the man they turn to. I’m completely uncomfortable with this, most of he time it’s not a problem but sometimes situation put people in a place that is crossing the line before it’s realized!!! When it gets brought to his attention that I have an issue with it he acts like it’s not a big deal and tells me I’m either being stupid or silly which only makes things worse. How do I make him understand this is a problem for me or am I assuming to much?

It may not be what you want to hear, but I would definitely end your relationship. If he doesn’t understand the inappropriateness of this now, don’t allow this to become a marriage or more serious. Find a man who will honor and respect you.

I have a comment/ question to which i hope you will reply, but I DON’T WANT IT TO SHOW UP IN MY E MAIL. IT WON’T WILL IT? I occasionally look at my husband’s text messages and last night found a little exchange btwn him and some woman he works with. I’m sure it is innocent, but i still didn’t care for it. she asked him if he missed her, and they replied to each other back and forth a few times. he also said he missed her too and there were some lol’s and what not. what i noticed was just how witty and charming he was , using emoticons and all. when i text him i receive one or two word replies. and never has he used emoticons in his texts to me.
I do not want him telling other women he misses them, or things of that nature. I don’t want him texting with other women unless it’s business or family. I was thinking that I would calmly tell him exactly that. should I?

Absolutely, Nancy! Absolutely bring it up. It could be that he’s just thinking it’s harmless, but these harmless things can turn into something else, and so it’s better to draw a line in the sand much further back. I’d suggest you both read the book Ask It by Andy Stanley together. It’s excellent about how to avoid these types of situations!

I just discovered that my wife of less than a year has been sexting her former co-worker, also married. Their relationship began when they worked together in another state. She was recently divorced. When it turned sexual, she felt guilty and even moved across country to escape it. She says that they communicated sporadically and for the most part the conversations were innocent. However, just around the time were were married, the relationship turned sexual. He has sent her naked pictures of himself, which leads to graphic interplay between them, basically sex using words. To add insult to injury, my wife has confided to him that I’m a great guy in every way except one. I won’t go into it further, but you get the picture. Anyway, I confronted her and she was mortified. She loves the LORD, and seems very repentent, taking every step to open her life to me, giving me free access to her FB, phone, e-mail and Twitter accounts. She says that she had been praying for God to help her break out of the relationship with this other guy, and accepts that my finding out about this is His answer to her prayer. I want to believe this, but I’m having trouble trusting her. Maybe the whole thing is just too fresh yet, (I found out less than two weeks ago). I can’t say that I am innocent myself, as my previous marriage of 33 years broke up because of my early infidelities and porn addiction. Years later after I had given my life over to Jesus, I confessed my past to my ex-wife, but it was too much for her, and after seven years she divorced me. Still, through Christian counseling, study, sex-addiction groups and spiritual disciplines, I’ve learned to build strict boundaries and to guard my eyes, heart and mind. I will stay with my new wife if she is willing to take drastic steps to address her issues. There are underlying reasons thst contribute to her, (and my), sinful behavior, and Satan is a master of using them to destroy us. He hates marriage as much as God loves it. Anyway, I welcome comments and covet your prayers for success as my wife and I begin our journey, hopefully to healing and peace.

Thanks. Prayers are powerful, and mine are kind of weak right now, mostly calling out to God, WHY? Add to this horrible situation my panic attacks and insomnia from PTSD, and I’m a wreck really in need of God’s grace. I appreciate your ministry, and your prayers.Larry recently posted…Merry Christmas to All!

I recently found a text, but didn’t get a chance to read the whole thing before I freaked out, thought I was gonna have an anxiety attack caught bits and pieces of the text. I confronted him about at first he said it was a guy, but I told him I saw the name Donna and then he said she was a friend, a week before I saw this text he told me he does not love me. We are in reconciliation right now he tells me he’s not going anywhere . He said nothing is going on she is just a friend and his feelings has nothing to do with him texting her. I tried to explain to him innocent text can cause distraction on working on us. But he still insists nothing is going on. I asked him to show me the text he refused. Now everytime I hear his text go off I cringe. I love this man to death but I have alot of insecurities now more than ever. I have no one to talk to about this. He totally insists he is focused on working on us. I am trying to stay positive. I never had reason to doubt him before.

I think people need to stop blaming the vehicle rather than the driver! A cheater is going to cheat and a solid marriage needs not worry about the gender of your friends – as long as that’s what it truly is – friends! My husband and I have a good, strong marriage. He chats with ladies (and guys) from work and I chat with a number of people that I know from various places. Sometimes the first thing he wakes up to its a text from this older lady who is now retired & is still texting her when we lay down for bed at night. Do you know what I tell him? I say to him, “tell Bonnie that I said goodnight honey”. There isn’t anything inappropriate going on! She lost her husband, lives alone, and enjoys talking to Mark (hubby). We are both very social people and enjoy being that way!

Get over blaming outside sources and start acknowledging the REAL problems! If your husband is behaving inappropriately, it’s not the other woman’s fault, it’s not Facebook’s fault – it’s HIS! When you learn to address the real issues, then you can solve the real problems. Yes, Facebook might make getting in touch easier, but it’s the temptation people need to address. .. not social media!

I wish my husband was open to swhat some couples came up with. I’m all for being able to check each others emails and text. I’ve got nothing to hide. I would never think of starting a relationship with and ex or a stranger. If its a friendship with someone we both get to know its different however I would still not get into private situations such as going to see a movie or private texting etc. My husband finds this all ridiculous and if I trusted him I would not doubt his honesty. He finds he has every right to make new female friends and has a right to a private life and privacy. Truth is he said some things that disturbed me and I told him this but he has a way with words that you either doubt your own mind and ears or makes me feel guilty for questioning. He said he is honest but with his parents for instance he would leave out parts of the truth. When I asked him to never do that to me he said “I tell you what I think you can handle” ! Second disturbing to me was when I openly asked him if he was seeing someone else, he said “well if you’re going to accuse a person of something they have not done than they will feel they may as well do it”. I don’t just find that amoral but also childish and you also put the blame on the other person “question me and quess what will happen” kinda feels like a threat.
I think he’s having an affair (emotional and sexual) so why he just wouldn’t be honest and leave I don’t know. He has no real feelings for me other than that I represent a new beginning to him. He doesn’t even like or respect me. I do wonder about myself as well, why do I stay with this man ? He treats me like I’m worthless and with no real love. I’m an idiot! He puts me down, any time I state my own opinion or have a different opinion compared to his I’m told I argue with him, he says I don’t ever listen because I don’t always remember word by word what he said or I don’t understand correctly, he calls me negative even when I say something positive, says I never say words of encouragement even though I compliment him daily and thank him for his hard work etc, he claims he’s an empath yet he’s as cold as can be when I get emotional about something or when I need him oh yes I’m codependend when I want to do something together. Tells me not to spend money because we are going to have to by careful than goes out and buys yet another spendy laptop, a toy army tank and various other goodies, BTW I don’t spend money on myself but oh boy if I suggest a new item for the house how dare I be so inconsidered and spoiled do I think money grows on trees! I feel I’m losing my mind he turns tables so fast. He always sees the splinter in my eye yet refuses to see the trunk in his own. I can’t say or do anything right, I’m always wrong, he’s always right, knows everything, knows me better than I know myself, treats me really good even when I say he’s neglecting me, doesn’t show affection, doesn’t kiss or hug (claims it hurts yet there’s nothing shown to be physically wrong with him regardless the doctor visits and many xrays expand tests. All doctors, his own parents and I say it’s emotional but he’s smarter than all of us and its not) than when he decides he will show some kind of affection and I act surprised (not on purpose, my body hadn’t felt touch for so long I spooked) He turns from luke warm to icy cold. If I talk about my pain its ignored (I’m a chronic pain patient), if I want to talk I’m told I always want to talk to long why can’t it be done in 5 minutes, been told I never make a discission yet any discission I make is shot down. I can not make any decorating changes without his approval (his house), it is too insane and so must I be!
Gosh someone needed to rant 😉

Hello! I have something to share and i need some advice. I just got back from a long vacation to my home country and i have all these feeling of anxiety. My husband’s co-workers are mostly girls (he is a nurse in a hospital) He would communicate with some of them. But there’s one that i feel something fishy about. My husband was kinda close to her, he bought her an oxygen reader (whatever you call it) for work because she would always borrow my husband’s. Before i left for my vacation, we went out to eat with her. My husband left his job there so he was at home most of the time while i was away. He told me he went out to eat with his former co-workers. That’s fine. But he also went out to eat with this nurse, just the two of them. Now i saw on his fb he asked this nurse if she had work on that particular day but she was working so he said just on a different day instead. He also sent her a message “I MISS YOU”. Yes all capslock. There’s also a message that he would fix whatever that was, for her because he didn’t want her to get hurt. Really? He won’t even do that for me. And he doesn’t say he misses me unless i say it first. I know there are conversations there that have been deleted. I am so anxious and confused if there’s something going on between them. It’s just odd for me for a married man to go out with some woman and send I miss you message. What am i going to do? I love my husband but I can’t stop myself from thinking that he is cheating on me. Thanks

My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year. He is the most honest and innocent man I’ve ever dated. He absolutely adores me and I him. I imagine that we will get married one day. He has very few close friends. One of them is a married woman who lives in a different state with her husband and young son. I started noticing that she texts my boyfriend a lot during basketball season. It started to become predictable when she would text him. He said it was all about basketball when I asked what they talk about. When a game would take place during his work hours, I asked if she texted him while he was at work. He said maybe once or twice to fill him in on the game. However, when I finally confronted him about what they actually talk about and how often they text he showed me the text messages. She texted him 6 times in a row without a response from him while he was at work! Even I don’t do that and I’m his girlfriend! They apparently text on average 4 times a week and he tells her things about his work, events he goes to, his family, nearly everything except sex, except things about me, and except her husband. My name was mentioned maybe once in a matter of texting at least a few weeks. They even texted goodnight to each other. In my vague memory because I was becoming very upset, I think she was the one who initiated communication most times. He always responded immediately except of course when he was working. When I became upset about all of this he said he didn’t realize he was doing anything wrong and that there is nothing between them because she is married. Then I found out they have been friends 18 years. He says there is no history of a romantic relationship between them and it would never happen because he loves me. He is willing to show me all communications between the two of them from now on, but he is not willing to let her go as a friend. He asked me what he should do that would make me feel more comfortable with his friendship with her. I told him that it seems to me that he has just been naive to the fact that she is using him to fulfill a void that her husband is not filling. I told him to stop responding to all her texts and only keep conversation about basketball not daily events. I told him if a married woman is texting another man at least 4 times a week, something is not right. I told him he needs to stop communicating with her except for every so often. I don’t know what frequency to tell him though. Any suggestion? I told him not to respond right away also to her texts? Should I ask him to be direct with her and tell her that I am not comfortable with the frequency that they communicate?

Oh my goodness! I can totally relate to this. It has been an ongoing battle in my marriage of two years. The texting, the secret friendships, the secret meetings… It has made me so bitter and enraged because my husband has refused to understand the problem with these actions. I don’t mean to overstep but this issue is so dear to my heart that I feel like sharing some advice so you don’t go through my pain. I saw a tiny sign when we were dating but my now husband convinced that it was all platonic and that I was just insecure and crazy too. Three months into the marriage, I realized that throughout our engagement, there was a ton of sexting, promises made, and money spent on women. I have no peace. So please, if you’re blessed enough to get a clear picture, do not get into marriage unless this is resolved. Even last Thanksgiving, I found out that my husband has been calling a woman every single day in our home country. Obviously, there is some emotional attachment here and a lot of money being spent. Please tread cautiously.

I stumbled upon this as I am going through a situation with my boyfriend of 3 years. We are serious and in a commited relationship however he has a female coworker he texts with outside of work about everything from reality TV shows they both watch to her recent breakup with her boyfriend. When they travel out of town they will text one another throughout a TV show while they watch it about what is happening etc.. This is hard for me in that I honestly do trust him but at the same time feel like this in inapropriate. She has met me, and knows about me and as a woman I feel like it is disrespectful on her end as well. I have brought it up and my boyfriend got upset with me and said he did not realize I was that insecure. Given he is a single father of 2 with an ex wife who cheated on him I feel like he should have a little more realization of the situation. Am I over reacting?

I have a problem with coworkers texting husband. My husband assured me that it took place only at work. Unless the coworker is known and friends with the married couple, I think it is inappropriate to be contacting one another outside of the place of unemployment and it’s not work related. The other night, after he got home from work, he was itching to get out of the house to pick up a plumbing part for the shower. He said he wanted to spend as much time with me as he could, since he had been working so many hours. While we were sitting there waiting for notification that his part was ready, sure enough he received a text message from a female coworker asking if he wanted some girl scout cookies. Keep in mind, cookie sales ended in March, and it’s June. I snapped, and told him where she could stick her cookies. I had also asked if he would like me to go to the store with him. His response was an irritated one, stating he would be right back. This man also has a Facebook page, that he started without me knowing about it. The lies eventually catch up, and divorce courts will steadily fill up with the unfaithful, such as my husband.

I am struggling with this in my wife. I am at the breaking pint. If I find sexual text in her phone from another man, I am done. That to me is cheating. Planning to cheat is cheating that didn’t have the time to blossom. After numerous times of me telling my wife my concerns, this will fall on her. I will leave with clear heart.. She chose to repeat her actions after many times getting caught.

I once had a doctor I was really attracted to (my OB, believe it or not!), because he was young, single and seriously attractive. He was easy to talk to, so he suggested I friend him on Facebook like a lot of his patients. He mentioned it a few times, but I never did because I always felt like it would have been a bad idea. I doubt he meant anything by it, but even if he didn’t, me finding him attractive was too dangerous in my mind to play with. I’m still glad I didn’t friend him! I love my husband, and oddly enough, they friended each other. My husband went to all my prenatal appointments, and they got along really well.

Anna, and all the other ladies, please do not fall for the BS of the innocent act that men do.
They are throwing out the bait and seeing who will bite. They have motives. Don’t be so foolish and think it’s all innocent. It isn’t. When your heart says it’s weird, it’s because it is. Stop being seduced by men’s flattery.

It is very easy to conceal “inappropriate ” messages via social media or texting. One way to help that on FB is to do a permanent block from an individual. Even if you have mutual friends & that individual makes a comment, you can’t see it. They can’t see you & vice versa. I’ve done this w an old flame. Roadblocks & parameters need to be set up. Be intentional. Be vigilant b/c the “devil prows around to see whom he may destroy”. Affairs are not hard to find.

I want to pass a word of encouragement to others who may be going through this that there can be positive resolution. It’s been almost two years since I went through this. I had suspicions but told myself that I was just being overly insecure and I ignored them. I prayed hard about it and finally found a way to check his phone to prove that everything was ok. I was sickened to find out that my suspicions were correct. There was no indication that anything physical had taken place, but they were texting very inappropriate messages. I went to a place by myself where I could think and pray hard for guidance. I finally felt ready to confront and I will say that I truly feel like the words that came from my mouth were put there by God. I am not usually that quick to come up with the right thing to say, and I was so calm and clear and said everything perfectly, which is not normal for me. It was one of the hardest discussions/nights of my life. My husband was also open and honest and we had a very frank discussion and although at the beginning he said he thought it was “harmless’ because nothing was going to happen, by the end he realized the error in this thinking. we ended the discussion with “I love you, and we will figure this out”. I was so blown away because we have a good, strong marriage, and a great sex life. I was so confused. After not sleeping that night and plenty of time for both of us to think, my husband came home from work the next morning to continue the discussion with his heartfelt apology and recognition of how much he had hurt me. I did not really want to let go of my anger yet, but the more he talked, the more I understood and started to forgive. I allowed him the chance to talk and I truly listened without any accusation or bitterness. I began to realize what the issue was. He was having alot of mid-life insecurities and he had been afraid to talk to me because he’s always been tough, does not like to be vulnerable, and did not want to admit. The texting conversations he had with her made him feel young and exciting and he felt like it helped him to “perform”. After being confronted he was able to realize that this was not the case and not the solution to his issues and insecurities. We had the best and most open conversation we have ever had, and this is only because I was able to put my anger and hurt aside and look at the real problem and how we can both make it better. It was a long road and it took a long time for my trust to return and my hurt to fade away. It took alot of prayer and time and effort on his part. But eventually it did as we worked on our relationship together. I can honestly say that our relationship is stronger now because it broke us down and we had to take a hard look at the weaknesses in our relaionship and learn to be vulnerable with each other. Even though we have been together many years, this was always hard for us. We are now better and stronger and happier than ever. He promised to never hurt me like that again and to work to be the husband I deserved and he has kept that promise, and I am always looking for ways to show him how I feel and never assume that he knows. I am very thankful I followed my intuition and found out early and confronted before the slippery slope got more slippery.

Gurl I. In the same situation. My dude is a very “out going” n “friendly guy”.. But he exchanged numbers to like 4 different gurls at work to keep in touch since they was going on a shut down for 2 weeks. I said that ain’t normal and its disrespectful. He says I’m crazy and jealous acting. I said NO its common sense that when you have a gf or fiancé which I might add we are engaged. I said that’s not appropriate at all!! I’ve seen his texts and he’ll text that what’s up out the blue or they will text late at night n I just think its disrespectful to me. He don’t see it that way. It pisses me off. I said ok.. So what if the text start getting heated he said you have to trust me that I would shut it down. But I don’t trust that because what guy doesn’t like some attention?! I’ve asked him to stop and he said he’s not doing anything wrong. I said what if I was doing it. And he said as long as they are not trying to hollar at you then its fine. Ha Yea right.. He’s fun of it.Idk what to do.

I’m sorry about that! It does sound very concerning. Can I make a suggestion? I’d really suggest dealing with this before you get married. There are too many women who end up married to guys who continue relationships with other women and flirt with them. If he’s that interested in keeping up relationships with other women, is he really worth marrying? I’d just ask that question and work it through, because this won’t stop once he’s married if he’s doing it while he’s engaged. On the contrary, it will only get worse, because it’s when people are engaged that they’re on their best behaviour. So this is his best. Are you prepared to live with that?

My wife is very attractive, Single men are always attracted to my wife and I find they chat via SMS and Messenger – she deletes the messages so I know she knows I will not be happy if I found out about them. The problem is she does not stop the communications even when it is absolutely evident that they are only interested in wooing her for one thing. Do I wait for an actual affair before I leave her? Marriage has been tough as we have had financial issues for quite some time and I think she is excited that she is getting attention and being taken out for meals and given all the extra attention from single men with more money.
I am able to monitor all her messages real time and record them before she deletes them (through a separate device) – I guess I’m just waiting for solid evidence of infidelity so I can leave the marriage with more than the clothes on my back. At what point has it gone too far? I just don’t know how many more months I can continue to mentally deal with this especially since it is affecting our joint business.
Poor kids will be affected for life so it’s pretty sad!

My husband texts, chats and goes to lunch and even long business trips with women, I recently have a problem with a specific one, as I feel he is so attracted to her. When I tried to talk about boundaries or even to beg him not to drive alone for hours, he accused me of controlling and mistrusting him. It has been over a year and our relationship is at its lowest in 25 years. She and her family go to the same church, small group, social events, which I hate to go to now so I try to avoid, not sure what to do anymore. I love my husband but I feel I am losing him and that I am pushing him away more with my unwisely ways of handling the situation, please help

Heidi, as a man, I will tell, you, his actions are over the line. They like each other, and that is a fact a honest man will tell you. He likes the flattery. They pretend it’s business but in their hearts, they want each other. I feel like that too. No spouse deserves this. I too am scared about what to do, especially after several times of this occurring. I pray for the Lord’s guidance.
Men know what is going on and they will jump at the right opportunity and make it seem like the woman made the choice. that is how we are as men. read the story ofd avid in the book of Samuel. This is how we are as human men.

My name is “John.” Yeah, right.
Anyways, I am troubled in my marriage. Years before we got married, my wife had weak boundaries. I figured they would grow once we got married. Nope. She always had male friends and always texted and had Facebook. During a rough patch, she joined Eharmony and Craigslist and tried to find a date. She said were had broken up. Yet we were still dating. I caught her by snooping. She vowed never to do that again. We go t married. The drinking started again even worse. Then one day I saw her phone and she had planned a trip with fellow AA members to Las Vegas for an AA meeting. Only problem is, the plan was for her and her female friend and two guys. Guys I never met. It was ket from me until i saw the cell phone text. After that she promised to be open, but now, the same patterns are developing. Taking phone with the into the bathroom while showering. Seriously? As if I don’t see that obvious. She left the phone on the bed when I came home from work early and I saw a man from work text her while she drove to our daughter’s house. I was at work at a fire stain so I got our early and cam home while she was showering. She left the phone out because she didn’t know I would be home early. When I’m home, she takes the phone everywhere. Computer password I don’t know. Complete secret life. It’s all starting again and I don’t know if I can stay in the is arrange any longer. I promised God until death be with her, but this seems to be crossing the line. I honestly do not rust her and want to set ups surveillance to catch her and divorce her. How sad is that? I pray for guidance and strength, but I will not have that happen again. This is her own making.

My wife used to have me as “my husband” under her contacts. That means, when I would call or text “MY HUSBAND” would show. Ha ha ha. You know what pops up now? Nothing, Just my number, which leads me to believe that it is to prevent someones from knowing who is calling. Who wants to cheat and see “MY HUSBAND” pop up on the phone screen?

Hi, I need urgent help. I have been married for a year and a half. Never would I have imagined I would be experiencing this or coming on a platform like this to talk about my husband.

I have the best man any woman would wish for and I trusted him with my every being. I boast about him and swear he is not like other men.

About a while ago, I found out my husband was still communicating with his ex, when I asked him why this was, he said it was harmless. I was pretty calm about it until I saw messages indicating she had been to our house and pictures taken together in our room” though they were fully clothed” , this drove me nuts and he apologized and promised to cut all contacts with her.

After that, I thought this had ended but I found out he was communicating with some ladies via chat and exchanging inappropriate messages and jokes with them. He even had one or two over at our house. There is a lady in particular whine he talks dirty with.

I have discussed all this with him and he apologizes each time. He also thinks am caging him and preventing him from having friends.

Am I being over protective here or am I crazy ? Please I do not know what else to do.

Laura, if your husband is keeping secrets and is having other women over at your house, that is definitely NOT okay.

He may try to make you feel guilty for being controlling, but it is he who is doing something wrong. Do not accept the blame.

I’m so sorry that he is doing this. But you really have to set some boundaries, and have some consequences if he crosses them. It is being unfaithful to you, and it is wrong. I really hope you have some friends who can help you through this and can help you be strong!

Hi Laura, Sheila’s advice is right on. I’d also add that you pray; and maybe even fast. Pour your heart out to God and tell him everything. What you’ve seen, what you’ve heard, what you’re worried about, your husband’s behaviors/protests…everything. Then tell Him you’re afraid that your husband has crossed or will cross a line because of his behavior (flirting, dirty texts, etc.). Ask him to touch your husband’s heart and make it so that whenever he is tempted to do something he shouldn’t do that he will experience a feeling of conviction. As a sidenote, have you seen the movie War Room? If not, I’d suggest you go see it. I don’t want to give it away, but basically it’s a movie about the power of prayer. As a married man and a Christian, your husband is acting in an inappropriate way. The fact that he doesn’t see that is very troubling. Additionally, I would talk to your pastor about this as well. I know the temptation is to drive yourself crazy with worry but remember Philippians 4:6 “Do not worry about anything, but pray and ask God for everything you need.” I will say a prayer for you tonight. Stay strong, don’t lose hope, and I’m praying that everything will be alright.

My Husband keeps chatting to his friend(his schoolmate and now a colleague-a married girl with 1 kid) but I am sure that there is nothing suspicious and I have 100% trust on him that he will not let me down on any situation.But still I feel that jealous or possesiveness and it keeps disturbing me. They even go out for lunch in office but he doesnt hide that from me.They mostly talk about food,kids,movies and sometimes her family problems(he never deletes any messages and i check it every evening and he too check mine).I already told my TH that i am getting disturbed and showed this blog to him to make him understand his thoughts.he was ok to stop completely,but i told him he need not avoid completely and can talk to her in usual way but not to chat unnecessrily when he is bored or if she dont have work.Though he agrees to it and i know he will follow it, i feel he did not accepted it whole heartedly but just to make me happy.This is making me guilty. how do i pacify myself that i am doing it right?

My husbands emotional affair with a neighbor almost ended our marriage. The phone bill showed hundreds of texts and phone calls. He’s retired, she didn’t work, and I was working 50 hours a week outside the home. I think he got bored. She needed him. He likes to be needed. It got ugly. He promised to stop. I hope he does.

I’m currently going through the same thing in my marriage. We have both started living our own lives. My husband stays home with our daughter he run a design apparel business. 3 months ago he ran into an old classmate who’s a teacher at first he says he talked to her about schooling our daughter but then decided to started to ask for advice on other things because he kept this from me until a few days ago it’s cheating in my eyes. He said nothing sexually happened but how am I supposed to believe that.

I wish I found this website years ago, I have had numerous relationships and became a mother at 17, I left my childs father after 9 years as i used social networking and eventually fell for another man. We both moved in and after 3 years of dating and using drugs it came out and he was sent to rehab, i returned to my hometown. I kept feeling God was trying to communicate with me yet still carried on with my life, i found a job, got a place, my child to school, and at my workplace developed a great open honest relationship with my current partner, we have been in a relationship for 4 years now. After the first year my now “fiance“ asked me to marry him. After just 3 months before the engagement I visited him for a weekend, helped him to clear out dirt, cleaned his place and packed his washing and came across adult porn DVDs, lesbian sex was obviously a turn on for him. Our unmarried sex life was wonderful, often, even 3 times a day. So I confronted him, I did raise my voice, told him I don’t like it and wouldn’t accept such things, I was in his space, his place where I realise now I could have stepped the line first time round reactic like a mad person, i felt tremendous insecurity, always have because i really wanted us to work more than anything and because I honestly love him more than any man I had been with before. His response was he forgot the DVDs were there and that he was single for so long. (6 years) Every guy watches porn but he would be rid of the DVDs and so it was thrown away. About 2 weeks later after making love on Christmas day before attending a family lunch he went to wash up and I laid in bed and his phone vibrated. I went through his phone and saw he had visited a explicit sexual meet a s***w website with women legs wide open. No msgs or I can’t remember if he was registered, perhaps I just didn’t want to see it. And closed the link, but then I saw he had been messaging a fhm model. Took the time to message her that morning. Don’t even know when as it was early when we made love. It was a simple merry Christmas msg with a x. She is beautiful, big breasted and perfectly shaped in lingere, swimwear.. So that made me even more upset and when he was done washing up I confronted him, arguments arised, same thing, same answer with the website, was ages ago, he removed the history, and the fhm model was a friend. Now in these 4 years I have found him texting another woman who is a mutual friend of a friend. He deleted the chat before I could read it, deleted her. He said it was innocent but knowing I would freak out that is why he deleted it. I threw and broke that phone. I have deleted old tattooed girls in their stringy outfits off his PC, I constantly check his phone without his knowledge, I have been blamed for my insecurities from my past failed relationships, jealousy, he says it routes from ,y childhood. I’m crazy etc etc. Later on growimg in my career and finally getting my life on track, I got tired of seeing him viewing naked big boobs and explicit results on his phone internet and told him I wanted to watch porn with him as that is what people on the internet discussed. Try it for days after each other, he asked me to send nude woman via msgs and that is how my relationship became, it wasn’t about us and the connection it was the excitement of trash and he would say of u uncomfortable don’t do it, how was I supposed to stop, sex was more frequent than it had been months before, I was told might enjoy porn and yes I watched it while he was busy with me. I felt confused, like I enjoyed it, then when he turned around, I would go wash and sob, felt dirty, in disgrace, ashamed and I became pregnant , after 12 years. Once i found out i told him that i couldnt do the porn and it was eating me, that i felt inferior, unloved and like a bang thank u mam while he watched scenes of women getting it on the videos. I always question if he fantasized doing it, been that man doing it to the her on the video. Still breaks my heart thinking back, what was I thinking, Again God was trying to communicate with me..
We now share a child together. On my maternity leave he developed a friendship with the bosses PA who is 12 years younger than him, and emails were sent back and fourth and lunch times spent together outside. Collegues told me how they flirted while I was on leave. When I returned they avoided each other even when I was in the same room. They wouldn’t even look at each other. Till today I am not sure what happened between the two but something happened. I asked him, denies it, yet still email each other at work, I work there too!!! I’m insecure, jealous make these stories up etc etc. Its all in my head. Then again, I would randomly ask to check his phone and saw he had again refused to show me, and declared his entitled to privacy. We were not married and then the woman at work told me he messages her Smiley’s and drooly faces and she felt uncomfortable yet entertained it. I confronted him and today they don’t say a word to each other. I have thrown his ring back so many times but keep putting it back on, knowing he still does all this I decided to accept it. Focus on my kids and my career. Again God was calling me, I pray, not every day but far from a server to the Lord. My heart is empty. His a good dad, we have sex once a month and a ,month ago he left his phone on the counter and late I decided to check. I see 4 years later, the fhm model is hidden on a cloud in his phone, half naked and then a random gorgeous beautiful brunette bare, open legs touching herself. I didn’t confront him, instead I saved the fhm model he saved and made it his wallpaper. The next morning he couldn’t even look at me, I didn’t shout, I was deeply hurt. The point is this is never going to end I feel. He then told me his sorry. He has issues, anger towards me because I don’t trust him, and this started early in our relationship he says,my jealousy and crazy reactions. I have pulled myself away from him and we have sex once a month still. He obviously masturbates. His 35 I’m 32. I have developed a friendship with another man now through social networking and its now developed into a sexual one too, im in a dark place, i dont know how i am able to live a double life, i wont blame my fiance for my infedelity as its my own actions. This other man finds me attractive, cares for me emotiomally and the well being of my children, he attends church and often tells me he prays for us. He doesnt know my fiance and i are together as i lied about our living circumstances, living a lie, I’m a sinner. I’m guilty, I’m not ready to admit my actions. I love my fiance but his pushed me so far away that when I look at him I see lies and more lies. We are still together. 3 years engaged and we good parents. I don’t know where to start or what to do, I’m lonely and sad and feel I will never be good enough.

Honestly, I believe a healthy and safe relationship is when both parties are not controlling or possessive of each other. My boyfriend doesn’t mind me talking to, hanging out with or even hugging other men, and I don’t mind him doing the same with women, because I trust him and he trusts me. It should be okay for your partner/spouse to text other women/men/other as long as it isn’t flirting because it means you trust the other person. Do talk about boundaries, but make sure it isn’t total prohibition of social interactions with people of the opposite (or same) sex, because that just makes the relationship unhealthy.

I have an issue and need advice……my husband and I have been together for 18 years. last January I walked passed my husbands work phone when it went off so I read the message, it was from a former female co-worker that wished him a happy new year and wanted to know how things were going at work. He replied, things are same and he wished her a happy new year. Then she told him she found a new job and loves it. He replied to her saying ” look at you sweetie, I’m proud of you” it made me feel uneasy he called her sweetie cause he doesn’t call anyone sweetie or any name like that but me. Well a few messages went by and he called her honey. Now I’m hyperventilating, I confront him and he says he was very sorry he never meant it in a way that would be inappropriate and I was his one and only honey. That all went over pretty well and he apologized and said he won’t even talk to her anymore.
Well in November I used his cell to call for take out dinner and I looked through his messages. I saw a message from a co-worker that said ” we need to do lunch real soon baby”, he replied with sounds good. Then the next day she’s texts him and says ” I started working out and my body is killing me” he replied ” work it girl” then a few days later she texts and says ” love you have a great weekend” he replied ” you do the same” she texts him randomly asking him to send he work ( their software at work has him click on work she needs for the week and it send it to her automatically) he texts her and says ” I’m done” ( meaning sending work) and she replied ” I know I felt it” with emojis with its tongue sticking out. A few messages say ” love you have a great weekend” ” licky colicky my work” like she is playing around but as a female I know what her intentions are. He says he honestly pays no attention to her and she is twice his age and could care less what she says. It just hurts me it took me to find these messages instead of him telling me no matter how harmless he thought they were. I feel so scared she has other intentions. I had a panic attack once o read them and he called her and told her that the messages she sends were too flirtatious and I didn’t like them. She apologized and said she didn’t mean to hurt his family.
I feel like my world turned upside down. I want to trust him but my gut is telling me she wasn’t talking to a wall and sending those messages for no reason. What should I do?

My husband is a recent survivor of cancer and a broken leg he does not go out much and enjoys his Facebook and he does a lot of record art for many of his online music friends. He has no friends other than the computer. There is a woman he did some artwork for. They have become very close. I have seen many conversations that include personal information referring to me about what i am doing and his personal feelings about other issues in the house with the kids (who are grown adults) he talks to her about his feelings and thoughts and she is a widow with no one at all. I have laid down boundaries of what I will accept and won’t. Last nite she crossed the line telling him he was “sexy” and many other innuendos his response “thanks”. My opinion if he responded even acknowledged it, means he accepted it for what she meant. This has been a rough year I have been responsible for all the bills, doctors for him, there during surgery, after care and no one to care for me. I am at fault I suppose because I began drinking a couple of shots late in the evenings when I felt so stressed. I was made to feel as though I wasn’t good enough or I wasn’t doing more for him. I am exhausted at the end of the day plus I started going back to school online to further my ability to get a better job in the future.
Am I over reacting ?

Everything started about 9 months ago. My boyfriend and I had been together for 2.5 years. I believed we had the perfect relationship. We knew everything about each other, even dark secrets we hid from other people. I loved him with my whole heart and I believed he loved me the same. I had a previous relationship of 7 years that was full of infidelity on his part. I also grew up with my parents being addicts and having to be on my own since age 14. It has always been extremely hard for me to trust anyone. Trust that they loved me and would never hurt me or leave me. My boyfriend knows this and said he would never do anything like that to me. I trusted him with my life and had no doubt that this is who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I thought I finally found my soulmate.

About 9 months ago, a girl started working for my boyfriend. He elected her from another location to work for him. He became her manager. Being a new person, he would tell me things here and there about her. I know all of his other employees. This girl is a month older than I am, my boyfriend is 8 years older than me. She never went to college, I have a masters degree. She has 2 DUIs and still lives with her parents. He would also talk about how she is unattractive.

During the past 9 months, our sexual relationship has been hurting. He seems like he’s not interested because he’s stressed out or we have things to do around the house. He also had been going out to drink with his employees like 2-3 times a week. I work earlier hours than him so he never invited me and would come home late when I was already sleeping. One week in early March, he spent two nights at a “friends” house because he drank too much and didn’t want to drive. He never spent the. Isn’t away in 2.5 years btw. I never thought anything of it because I trusted him and never imagined to question his character.

About two months ago I came across texts that were personal questions like “did you go workout?” “How was the gym?” Etc. we had multiple fights about him ending these texts. The whole time he reassured me that nothing happened between them and that they were just friends. He just moved to a different location and they do not work directly with each other so I figured the texts would stop and he would ask her to stop. Fast forward to three weeks ago, I found phone records that he had been lying for the past 7 months about drinking with coworkers and he was actually out with her. He would go over and spend house at her house during his day off when I was working. He did this on multiple occasions. He swore that nothing sexual happened. I found out that they were still communicating on a regular basis even after our fights.

Two nights ago I see a text from her that says she wants to talk, she has been quiet and patient and she cannot hold her tongue anymore. At this point he is to tell me anytime she contacts him and I should be shown the texts. He deletes the texts and doesn’t tell me. I had to basically catch him and force him to admit that he hid it from me. I can see through the record that he didn’t actually open it, he just deleted it. He said he deleted it because he just wants that part of his life over with. After hours of begging him to tell me all of the truth, he FINALLY admitted that one of the nights away, he actually spent the night with her and they had sex. This was one month before I took him halfway across the world to meet my family. He said they only had sex one other time but doesn’t remember when. He admitted to doing things with her that I believe should be reserved for people in love, things which he doesn’t even do with me very often. He is very adamant about not being emotionally connected with her. He said she was an easy target and it was just there.

After three weeks of fighting almost every night about this and then finding out that they did have sex, which he was denying for the past three weeks till he was blue in the face, I basically made him text her that I know everything and that they are no longer to have ANY contact. That she should not be contacting him for anything ever again.

I feel like an idiot for not recognizing the signs in front of me. I feel like he only ended things with her and admitted to the relationship because he got caught. Deep down I do believe that he loves me and wants to change but it’s hard for me to trust him again. I want the spend the rest of my life with this man but I’m scared he will do this to me again. He swears that this was a mistake and he knows that he can’t ever put himself in a compromising situation again but I’m not 100% sure I believe him.

I agree 100% with the no Facebook chatting with the opposite sex. I have recently deleted my Facebook because it was running my life. I found myself thinking about Facebook constantly. I prayed for guidance and help and I got my answer. I felt it was taking my time away from my husband and son. Now , I have been married twice before where one spouse was very abusive and one spouse cheated on a regular basis. I also dated a narcissist for two years until he tried to hit my son who has mental disabilities then I kicked him out and went to the police. I was very scared and cautious all the time. Then later on I met my now husband and I absolutely adore him. We will be married for one year tomorrow. Since that time I have come a long way in trusting him. He had female friends when we met and I had no problems with it until it started taking his attention away from me and communication was dwindling down. I talked to him about it and told him that it wasn’t fair to me or our marriage, I don’t talk to men period unless my husband is with me. Facebook chatting I didn’t do unless it was a female and if a male massaged me it was to pray for him or his family. And always I would show my husband everything that was said. He is still using Facebook and that’s not a problem, the problem I have is when I asked him about making a Facebook together and that would help me eliminate my fears of him chatting with other women he said “well I will just get of Facebook”. I just wanted to talk about the possibility of doing this and he absolutely refused to listen. I do have his passwords and I do look quite often on his messages. The thing about that is he can delete whatever was said before I can see it. I’m not saying he’s doing this but I am saying it’s a feeling I have, an instinct. Then again I don’t know if it’s my insecurities and trust issues with my past that are making me feel and think this way or not. I pray everyday for my husband and our marriage and I honestly hope he isn’t doing anything that he shouldn’t be doing on Facebook. He has stopped messaging alot of female friends from what I can tell, and i have passwords for phone calls and texts also on our bill. But then again there are a million ways around a number not showing up and one of them is Facebook. So my advice for any marriage is to have a joint Facebook if you absolutely need to have an account, if not then leave Facebook alone.

I have been married for 14 months to a woman I thought was the cats meow. Four months after we are married, she is away on a trip and left me her computer to use while away. I logon to send an email to her one morning, her email account opens and there is a message form her ex live in. Seems they have been emailing for the last 8 months, and he is pushing to meet her for tea and/or a sail. So I email her what is going on, she gets upset about trust and is angry with me. she sends an email to end the contact with her ex and I took her at her word.

The last month (September) something hasn’t been right with her. I find out she is messaging him on facebook again. He asked her out for tea, she was considering.

I have been faithfull and I do not remain friends with ex’s, they are an ex for a reason.
I want to confront her and stop this. However, I am in a no win situation. Again she will raise the trust issue.

I feel I should start looking for an apartment and move out.. Fool me once, shame on you.. Fool me twice, not going to happen a third time.

My husband was messaging this married woman ably a year or so ago. I happened to look at his phone one night when he came home after drinking. There were conversations about a co worker of hers. Something she should be talking to her husband about not mine. He sent her a picture of a kiss. We got in a huge fight so he de friended her on Facebook and this Viber site he was messaging her on. I recently looked on this Viber again and clicked under the name Brad and she was under that name. He sent her a picture of a rose and a kiss and a love you and let’s cuddle. He said it was just kidding around they were being funny. I told him I wanted a divorce so he unfriended her again. I did message her on Facebook and she said that she messages all her friends this way. I do not trust him nor will I ever again!

Setting up boundaries is very important. Also, being brutally honest with ourselves. Our husbands are not children anymore. The day they choose to leave for other women, the other women aren’t solely to blame. Grown men choose their path and need to be held accountable for their actions. I’ve always told my husband that the day he picks other woman as his lover, I’ll suffer very much, I’ll cry rivers, but I’ll help him pack his belongings. I will definitely forgive everything, both of them will wholeheartedly forgiven, but he needs to go. I’ll heal.

My husband and I have always had an issue with this phone thing or just pretty much him giving too much attention to his female co workers. He would go to the gym they would have lunch he would try to get me to know them but thats all stopped now. Now my issue is bk to the phone. He wakes up he texting this female co worker we out on a date he texting this same woman we snuggled watching a movie yep u guessed it texting the same chic. And he let me go through his phone i know the password its just principal. Me your wife sitting beside u cant even talk to u because u too busy texting someone else. ? then he gives me his ohone HAHa u thought u were gonna find something huh like he think he is doing no wrong im so over it. #help

Men (and women) don’t seem to get this : cheating on someone physically is only one of the ways to cheat on him. Emotional cheating is just as scarring. If what you are doing isn’t making your loved one feel safe in this marriage then it is wrong! What your husband is not right!

I have been with this guy for over 10 years on an off as when I would caught him with woman or emails from woman who he met online I left. He would come back with same crap saying he is sorry etc. Nov 2015 I took him back with boundaries we both agreed on. no texting , phone sex, pictures or emailing other woman sexual context, open computer and phone for both. I can check bills and know if he is doing it on down low. He has been doing it all along and discarding it not knowing I can check. I told him if this happen again I was calling them all and talking to them. I did just that and found out things that was sickening. Yes they blew up his phone !!!! He told me we were done and I was trashing his name. I told him truth is truth. didn’t talk to him for 9days then he texted. I was short and to point . He needs me for legal an money things we have together so in next few days I will cut this off for he doesn’t get benefits of me anymore. I just don’t see how he doesn’t get it hurts so bad to know you share him emotionally if nothing else with woman. I know he is already setting up a meeting with a couple of them for the phone calls continues when he comes here for business we have to do. I am setting quietly until this is done and then he is tossed to his FRIENDS (as he calls them.) His bottom with caught up with him in a few days and the door will be shut on us. I feel taking back my power back and moving on will be a LARGE loss for him as it has been in the pass when we separated before .If they were so great he would be there not with me. He wants to do what he wants at the cost to whom ever. Nasty old woman in their 60’s acting like kids. The pain will heal getting something from him passed by them kills.
Does anyone feel my hurt ????

I thought there was something fishy going on with my husband so I snooped in his phone. I’ve discovered that he messages several women on a frequent basis. It’s not that he sends them inappropriate stuff apart from “I’ve always been naughty” or “You look hot in your profile pic” but he sends them private details about his life that I don’t even know about. I know this is cheating as such but I feel so cheated on!

Today I tried to discuss boundaries about texting. He then basically just said that he will never give up his friends (female friends) and he doesn’t care if I message other guy friends. Sounds like freedom? Feels more like morning sickness. I don’t want to share my day with anyone else. He is the first person I want to share my experiences with.

He went on further to say that he can’t be himself around me. When I asked him why not? I will change? Just tell me what I do wrong? He just said that it’s just an insecure thing.

What do I do? I feel so overwhelmed…this is not what I pictured my marriage to look like…

JHi my husband is very caring and nice person ,we are happily married for 15years my husband had a crush on a girl during his schooling days. Recently he got her num and they started talking almost everyday but my husband will always tell me about the woman and her problems with her husband . l told my not to always talk on the phone cause l was worried if they might become very close .She will ask my husband to call and send to voice message in what’s app. Now my husband has reduced talking to her .Every morning she sends pictures messages with roses and hearts red roses pink and purple and also with wording such as all is love and she also send a picture of herself . l trust my husband l am just worried about the woman.What is she she trying to say can u pls help and explain. If u want l can send the picture messages tq pls reply soon

Is it appropriate that a married man receive winking eye emojis from a single co-worker on just about every text exchange? When I confront my husband, he says I am not doing anything. I’ve never seen an emoji sent from his end, but I told him it’s not professional. He should be professional and ask her to stop. He fought me hard on this,because he felt that if he confronted it, it meant he was reading more into it. I was furious when I noticed on one of our bills that he had deleted some texts. His answer was he was tired of getting in trouble for nothing. When he finally texted her not to send emojis because he does not use them or get them, she replied no problem. But what I noticed the very next day, she was on Whats Apps. We all know there’s no way of looking up texts. He had installed it a couple of months before because his Boss was going out of the country & neither one of them wanted to pay outrageous fees for texts/calls, but he tells me he never uses it. I have a bad feeling & I don’t trust him because I will never know what was on those deleted texts & that probably wasn’t the first time he deleted texts, but when those emojis were nonstop I decided to start looking.! I told him I would never send a winking or blushing emoji to any coworker, married or not, but if they don’t mean anything then we are saying its fair game. Only then he didn’t like it one bit. I want to let this go, but not sure how. I do notice that his female coworkers/colleagues/ business associates do send emojis on a regular basis either winking/blushing/tongue sticking out so I don’t know if it’s this day & age as most are younger(we are in our 50s & married 30 yrs) But I still don’t think it’s professional & I told him he needs to be professional.

I sing so I have several male singers and musicians that I’m acquainted with. I have to keep that friendly connection open because that’s how you get more gigs. My husband has a huge problem with this even though my phone is totally open to him. I don’t hide or delete any messages. If a guy sends a text saying “hello”, he freaks out. Mind u, there is never more to any of these messages other than someone just reaching out to say hi or laughing at something I posted on FB or talking about an upcoming show. My husband feels like I should cut off all communication with all men. Period. And I just don’t think that’s reasonable… especially when I have never given him a reason to think I’m cheating or sneaking around. Not once have I even entertained inappropriate conversations. Not once have I tried to hook up or hang out with any man since my husband and I have been together. I’m really stuck trying to figure out how we can move past this.

So my husband and I have recently gone through this,he’s been private messaging another married woman on Facebook for months now, and while I really don’t have an issue with him being friends with other married women,I do have an issue when that woman calls or texts my husband’s personal phone, even after I have asked him to ask her not to,as I feel it is very inappropriate to do so. Well,my husband and I have had to be apart for the last few months,and recently he came to stay with us,his family,for a week,so I asked him about it. He allowed me to look at the messages,and i must say I immediately asked him to no longer get talk to her. What started me wanting to look was a few comments on Facebook,public I might add, that eluded to them knowing intimate details about each other’s sex lives, such as how long they’ve had to be without their partner (I hadn’t seen him in over a month the at this point), and how she could not seem to go a week without her spouse. That Never should have been shared between them, period, and especially not publicly. When I looked at the messages, I saw a couple times where my husband told her she could call if she wanted, and jokingly said to her that he wasn’t scared…that made me very upset. So when he asked if their relationship bothered me, I obviously said yes, and so he blocked her. I am still friends with her on Facebook,but she never messages me, only my husband,and when she does,it’s always to complain about her life, how her spouse is so cold,and how she just wishes they could chat. Not only that, I had to listen to my husband tell me how she’s not a bad person, just having a bad time. Ok,so confide in your own spouse,not other married men (my husband apparently is not the only married man she confides in). I have been tempted to message her several times and ask her to lose his cell number, but he gets upset when I mention doing that,and just tells me to leave it alone, saying now that she’s been blocked from Facebook,she will get the hint. I have more than 20 years invested in this marriage,and I know he loves me, but this so called friendship with this woman really bothers me, and the fact that he gets upset and defensive of her bothers me even more. What to do?

That’s really rough, and I can totally understand feeling upset at your husband for this. It really was inappropriate and wrong.

I’m glad that he blocked her on Facebook; has he blocked her on his phone, too? I would just make sure that she is blocked everywhere.

And then, if she is, I think that’s all you need to do. He should likely have an accountability partner so that he has someone who will ask him the hard questions, but I don’t think it’s necessary for you to confront her. Your problem is with your husband, not her. Sometimes we lash out at the other woman because it’s easier than lashing out at our husbands. It’s really your husband who will determine whether your marriage will work, though. She can text and message all she wants, but if he doesn’t respond, it won’t affect anything. So the question is not whether she will stop; the question is really what your husband is doing about it.

The fact that he let you see the messages and then blocked her is a really good sign. I just want to make sure that he has blocked her number as well and that he has someone who will talk to him frequently and ensure, for both of your sakes, that she is still blocked.

I am not sure if he has blocked her from his phone, but I should probably ask him to do so. He has always been very good about being open with me, about everything. And while I do understand this woman is having a tough time in her life right now, I feel the private messaging and contacting him on his personal phone is just TOO personal.

My husband is a Reverend and so because of what he does, he gets a lot of people calling him with their problems, mostly women. Before we got married, we both had an open discussions on our boundaries. As a pastor’s wife, you hear of many Pastors wife complaining on how little time their husbands have for them. For this reason, we made a decision that when after marriage, we won’t talk to anyone after 10pm.
We currently live in different cities and I find that for some time, my husbands line is always busy, I asked him about it and he would mention the names of some church people he had been talking to, mostly men or married couple. I still got suspicious and decided to secretly check his itemised phone bill and found that there’s this particularly number he has been calling at late in the night or first thing in the morning and they speak for hours. I asked him and he said he had been counselling or sharing the word with the lady to grow in the Lord. I know the girl and she doesn’t seem bad. She is respectful to me and calls me time to time to check on me. But I cannot help feeling that their frequency of communication is quite inappropriate for a married and single lady and especially the talking that late at night. Its really bugging me. Please help.

That is concerning, and most pastors would be taught that they aren’t to enter counselling relationships like that. That’s really what you are for. (And this is part of the problem when there is no female leadership in the church–the women have nowhere to turn). So I would suggest saying to your husband that if this woman needs help, you counsel her together. Otherwise it’s not helping anyone’s marriage. And if that doesn’t work, can you reach out to other pastor’s wives in your denomination and talk to them? It sounds like you guys may need some help, because it really isn’t appropriate.

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About Sheila

Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.