Wednesday, February 29, 2012

I'm sitting on the couch, not showered, wearing sweats, eating a sandwich with a bag of open pretzels on the coffee table, while watching Cougar Town (yeah, I like the show.) In my kitchen are two dirty pots from the soup I've eaten on Monday and Tuesday night, an open bag of cheese on the counter, because I'm having a cheese sandwich and obviously didn't have the adequate strength to put the cheese away, a bottle of mustard, an empty box of cereal and a bag of trash on the floor. My bathroom is a mixture of last night's mail, that apparently the husband didn't have strength to put on the table outside, toothbrushes and discarded toothpaste. Fortunately, I'm happy to report the bed is made, but is covered in wires and pictures from a project I'm working on.

Now, you would admit this is not a state you would want anyone to see, right? Well, while I was sprawled on the couch, chopping away on my sandwich, the door opened and two men walked in to check my smoke detectors.

What did I do? Exactly, what any self respecting woman would have done...I started to sniffle and cough...I mean, only someone who is desperately sick would live in this type of environment...or a woman, who hasn't seen her husband since Sunday.

Monday, February 27, 2012

So, I have these regulars, who spend the majority of their meal doing three things: 1. Subtly sexually harassing me 2. Accusing me of not giving them enough bacon strips even though in the history of our restaurant we have always given TWO FREAKING PIECES and 3. Informing me that the rest of my co-workers are either idiots or "not good looking enough to work here."

After many meals of enduring their ridiculous banter I decided to fight back. The following took place...you tell me who won this round.

Meat Head #1: Kate, are you married? (This question has been asked before and is usually followed up with a fake proposal for a life of money and love.)

Kate: Um, yeah, five years. It's actually gotten pretty serious.

Meat Head #2: Do you ever cheat?

Kate: No. But, funny you would ask because the other day I saw Nicole in here (Meat Head #3's wife) and she was with some hot guy and all she kept saying is what an idiot Travis is and what a terrible husband he is.

Sunday, February 26, 2012

A few Sundays ago I was asked to substitute teach for our Sunday school class. Now, I typically enjoy teaching, but in my church there's always the possibility of something crazy happening. For example, the other day my friend was teaching about choices and consequences and decided to illustrate this lesson through a childhood experience. He said that he decided, as a young boy, in order to go for a really fast ride to tie his dog to his big wheel. However, as soon as he told his dog to go the big wheel took off and he crashed his head on the sidewalk. Good story - choice / consequence illustrated. Now, as he started to continue with his lesson a very nice lady raised her hand and said, "Now, I don't support animal cruelty and I'm not sure your dog should have been put through that." Um, I guess point not communicated. And then to make matters even better, ten minutes later, on a completely different topic, the same lady raised her hand and admitted, "Okay, I've once been mean to animals, but again, I don't support it."

I'm not going to lie I absolutely love these moments at my church. I mean, there's nothing more fun than watching the teacher spin a crazy comment into a faith promoting statement. Oh, you saw a cat at the store scratch a man's eyes out...now, I think we all can apply that trials are difficult and we must pray more often for help. Pure genius.

Now, as much as I love watching this awkward dance go on I got admit I was a little scared what curve ball would be thrown at me. So, there I sat, opening my lesson with a story from college about when I was playing lacrosse and just as I was bearing my testimony about how prayer helped me overcome a difficult time someone shouted from the back, "What's lacrosse?!" For a second I ignored the comment and tried to continue my heart warming testimony when someone answered her question by saying, "It's like ice hockey" and then before I could offer my rebuttal someone said, "No, it's more brutal and more like soccer." Ice hockey? Soccer? And then someone said, "Draw the stick on the board!" I then proceeded to draw the stick, give a brief overview of lacrosse, which apparently didn't suffice because more questions came. Finally, I found myself pantomiming someone playing lacrosse and wondering where in the world this lesson was going.

Eventually the lesson got back on track, but I give high marks to my church. I really thought I was in safe territory with no stories about animals, homeless people or questionable doctrine. Well done. Well done.

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

The other day I was in line at Target and a man in front of me was buying a very large flat screen TV. The woman checking him out exclaimed, "Man, what a cool TV!" to which the man replied, "Well, I went to Pechanga (a resort in beautiful Temecula, CA) and won $6,000 dollars gambling." Now, I'll admit, it's quite impressive he won that amount, but I found the check out lady's response a little strange. She, after hearing the amount of his winnings said, "Man, if I won that much money I would quit this job so fast...seriously...I'd be out of here."

$6,000 dollars? You would quit your job for $6,000 dollars? A few questions: How little are they paying employees at Target that $6,000 dollars sounds like millions? Secondly, how is a lady, who deals with money transactions all day, have such a warped view of the concept "a lot" and "a little?" And lastly, if I might ask, what's this lady's plan with $6,000 dollars in California? Are you going to go crazy and buy gas for a month? Are you going to pay your rent in full for three months? What's the plan?

Alright judging aside, I found twenty dollars underneath a table, while working at the restaurant, and considered telling my manager I was sick. I mean, it was twenty dollars.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Now, I'll be the first to admit that being a woman definitely has its advantages. For example, there's the phrase, "Ladies first," which in itself means a myriad of things - we get to enter warm buildings before our cold male counterparts, we get to pick the best looking appetizers off the plate before everyone else and we are the first ones off a sinking ship or out of a burning building (alright, if kids aren't involved....geez.) Also, dating as a woman was fantastic. Don't like the guy? Never going to end up with him? Alright, but I'll still eat this amazing dinner for free and see this one time reunion of Led Zeppelin...for free...because I can...and then not pick up my phone for the second date? Okay.

Now, as great as is to sit while going to the bathroom and having the ability to give life, there are also some annoying parts of being a woman. For example, about once a week some jack a## decides to call me "sweetie," "honey" or "miss" at the restaurant. It takes everything I have inside me to not pour hot coffee in his lap or give him a spoon, from my last table, to use for his oatmeal...well, at least I don't pour the coffee.

I have also found that on the golf course people, I mean, men, treat me like I'm an idiot. For example, yesterday the husband and I went up to Malibu to play a round of golf. As the two guys we were playing with and myself started to warm up the starter suggested we take a practice shot off the tee. First, Brian, name has not been changed, but if you must know, all I gathered was he was Asian and from Torrance, hit his first ball and watched it completely slice. The next guy, Alex, who again all I found out was Japanese and had an abundance amount of snacks, that I partook of, hit his ball and it hooked rather bad. Then I got up, hit my ball, which went slightly to the right, but not sliced, and before I could turn around the starter was behind me saying, "Now, I'm not a golf pro, but do you mind if I give you a little tip?" He then proceeded to give me some old man advice about hitting a golf ball, which sort of sounded like, "blah, blah, golf, blah, blah golf," and THEN as I teed off for REAL he said, WHILE IN MY BACK SWING, "now remember the (insert stupid old man advice)." I stopped my swing, and said, "Thanks, but I think I'm going to stick with what I got."

Now, you tell me, would this guy EVER give advice like that to the two idiots, who went before me? Nope.

So, men, I'll watch the Titanic sinking, but don't tell me how to play golf.