Episodes

This Week In Rage – 6/9/13

This Week in Rage, a blog about the top three things that pissed me off this week:

Fame: Andy Warhol said “in the future everyone will be world famous for 15 minutes.” And for a while Andy was right. But nowadays everyone’s 15 minutes of fame has become a 3-day weekend. It’s never-ending now. For the love of Christ, the fucking Octomom is still in the news. There’s no way Andy Warhol could have predicted The Kardashians. Imagine going back to 1968 and saying “Hey Andy, remember how you were talking about in the future everyone will be famous but only for fifteen minutes? Well there’s going to be a chick with a big ass who gets fucked by some black guy, we’re all going to watch it and then she’s going to be a billionaire. Forever.” He’d take the brush he was using to paint a soup can, sharpen it, and stab himself in the throat.

Joran Van Der Sloot’s Prison Engagement: Speaking of fame, this guy just got engaged in the joint. Why? Because we’ve heard of him. First off, I would love to hear a conversation with him and OJ Simpson. I wish we could put them in a cell together and record it. Really guys? You couldn’t just hang it up after getting away with one murder? Had to press your luck. Van Der Sloot was all over Nancy Grace for 5 years, his parents bought his freedom and then he goes out and kills another chick. If I got away with capital murder I’d never get another parking ticket again. I wouldn’t even jaywalk or run my beloved red turn arrows.

But more importantly, this is why we should kill these guys. You’re not supposed to kill two people and then get engaged in the clink. Prison is not supposed to be where you start a new life. It should be where it ends. Even if you disagree on the capital punishment thing can we at least agree that you shouldn’t be starting a family from the joint? You’ll have to immediately pay child support. Unless the kid wanted to live in the cell with you. “Hey son, those are the crips, these are the bloods, and let me introduce you to my buddies from the Aryan nation. Can I get you some pruno?”

Stew and Casserole: I was thinking about the decline of this country and how everyone just spits their gum everywhere and blows snot rockets on the sidewalk or leaves boogers on top of the urinal and then it occurred to me. You know what we’re missing? Stew and Casserole. Hear me out. If you had a graph charting stew and casserole consumption and America’s greatness the line of decline for both would be the same. (By the way, “Stew and Casserole” would also make a great 80s cop show. Ed ‘Stew’ Stewalski plays by the rules and wears a bow-tie but his partner, John ‘Casserole’ Cassorelli, is a loose cannon in a leather jacket.) I say we get back to eating some hearty stews and casseroles. About the time we started eating wraps is when things started to take a shit in this country. And then when smoothies came in it was all over. All I know is this – the heroes who stormed the beaches of Normandy didn’t have a peach-guava smoothie in their belly. So Mammas, get in that kitchen and start rattling them pots and pans. Let’s make this country great again.