Posts Tagged ‘literature’

So it’s been approximately ages since I’ve done anything in this space, so I figured I’d quickly summarize my last two months with a picture.

(Numbers are roughly clockwise)

1) My torn-apart Eee PC 901. A while back, I broke the LCD by using it as a carrying handle, a use it neither was designed for nor deserved. So I ordered a replacement and assumed I’d be able to install it myself. This was a good assumption; expecting the shipper to send precisely the right model was not. All-in-all, the pins didn’t match up and the backlight didn’t work. Ordering the right part soon.

2) Machine of Death. A great book that I’ve been reading. I think it might be the first actual hold-it-in-your-hands paper book I’ve bought for my own personal reading enjoyment in years.

3) 3D glasses. I was on an Amazon shopping spree and figured why not.

4) My newly repaired Macbook Pro. The turdbiscuits at the Apple Store finally believed me that the issue was the same one I told them it was all along, namely that the Wi-Fi card was Wi-Fried, and repaired the slut of a laptop. So far, so good, but I’ve renamed it “Morgan”.

5) Playstation 2 and Persona 4. I picked up a used PS2 and a bunch of games for dirt cheap over the holidays and have really been enjoying it. Persona 4 is the one game I’ve spent the most time on, over 20 hours according to my save file but many more hours were played but lost to death. It’s really quite fun and I’m looking forward to playing more of it.

6) Magic: The Gathering deck. Yes, I’ve gotten into Magic. I have a few friends with whom I play a couple times a week and currently have 3 decks. Hopefully, I will be able to refrain from converting my entire life savings into trading card form.

7) My DVD copy of The Social Network. The local Blockbuster is shutting down and are in the process of liquidating their DVD inventory, so everything is on sale for, again, dirt cheap. I picked up the special edition of what I consider to be 2010’s best film for a delicious $8.

Otherwise, most of my time has been spent on game development and school. I made another Oceanspirit Dennis game and am currently working on two other unrelated, non-OSD game projects. I also might be working with a certain someone on a certain something that may or may not certainly be a book.

And from now on, I’ve decided to stop announcing things. It seems every time I get what I think is a bright new idea, I have to go and blab about it on the the internet or to my friends or to the union of those two sets. See the following Venn Diagram…

Therefore, effective immediately, I will stop announcing new projects and focus all my efforts on completing the ones I’ve started. And on work. And school.

Journal found in the Willamette Valley in Oregon on July 2nd, 2009. According to name at front, belonged to “AHNOLD.”

April 23rd, 1848

Dear Diary,

Missouri has started to lose its charm. My family is beginning to have relational issues. My wife, TITTZZZ, in particular has become quite distant as of late, and our love life is severely lacking. The awkwardness of adolescence has increased the fights between PAMELA and TURD threefold. My brother, JAMESBOND, has been living with us since the Indians burned down his cabin and ate his wife last November, but he only seems to exacerbate the problems we are facing. I believe a road trip will do this family some good.

May 1st, 1848

Dear Diary,

This is it. We’re setting out on our family road trip to Oregon today. I can feel this will be the start of a new chapter in our lives, one where we can all work together for our common good.

Things got off to a great start when I successfully convinced JAMESBOND to leave his pornographic novels at home. He told me, “I think of this as turning over a new leaf, I don’t need those things now that I’ve moved in with you guys.” On the trail, however, he has for the most part stayed inside the covered wagon with TITTZZZ and PAMELA, leaving me and TURD to man the oxen.

May 15th, 1848

Dear Diary,

After crossing the Kansas river last week, things have not been going so well. TURD broke his arm fixing a wagon wheel this morning so I had to drag my brother out of the back to help me navigate. He is not particularly useful in that regard, spending most of the time telling me about the sensual shapes he sees in the clouds. On a positive note, our food supplies seem to be holding out nicely. Hunting is usually quite bountiful, but though with the might of my rifle, I may take down many a foe, I can never bring back more than 100 lbs. of meat as the idea of physical labor seems to be foreign to my family. Maybe I should go back to spanking.

June 9th, 1848

That yellow BASTARD! In the shadow of night, a cowardly thief pinched every damn one of my oxen! We now have no viable means of transportation. While I toil my time away attempting to trade with passers by, TURD and PAMELA bicker incessantly while my wife and brother go off to play isolated games of backgammon. Confound it all.

July 20th, 1848

Dear Diary,

After an entire month of fruitless bartering attempts, I was finally able to secure a single ox. Though we are at least moving, our speed has been slashed to a fraction of what it was when we set out from St. Louis. In the meantime, PAMELA has managed to get herself a snakebite… on her inner thigh. She becomes uneasy when I inquire about the circumstances or attempt to examine it. I have also had to decrease the rations by 20%. I frequently feel peckish during the night but convince myself to abstain from midnight snacks for the good of the group.

August 29th, 1848

Dear Diary,

Sickness abounds. TURD, despite being given slack for his broken arm, is suffering from exhaustion and JAMESBOND has caught the typhoid. I myself have been feeling light symptoms of dysentery, which our dwindling supply of fresh water does nothing to abate. Our food supply is nearly exhausted, partially due to our monthlong standstill and partially due to my brother being a big, fat ass. Without any men to help with hunting, my ability to bring back game is dwindling. As it stands, we only have 27 lbs. of food. My arm is looking quite delicious right now.

September 4th, 1848

Dear Diary,

My daughter has caught a nasty fever, but I’m attempting to keep illnesses quarantined in our small covered wagon. We found some wild fruit today, but our pantry still runs empty. Other emigrants we have encountered have told that a fort with a general store is not too far away. Of course in this pathetic excuse for a pioneering life, “not too far” equates to several weeks. Dagnabit.

October 10th, 1848

Our first funeral was today. JAMESBOND died of the fever he caught from PAMELA, despite my best attempts to isolate her disease. While I am deeply saddened, a part of me is relieved to be done carting around that lazy, worthless, mooching, sonofabitch. I dare not say this in front of my wife, as her grief appears much greater than mine. That is why I have you, Diary. To tell my secret thoughts. Nevertheless, it is a shame he did not last until we arrived at the fort where he could have received a proper burial instead of a shallow grave covered in cat food.

October 14th, 1848

WHY? First my brother, now my wife? TITTZZZ caught the fever earlier today and the potent demon killed her in a span of four hours. My children mourn their mother’s passing with me. We’re also running low on weed.

November 22nd, 1848

They’re all dead. Every one of them. I knew when TURD caught cholera last week that it was only a matter of time. Watching him die as I held him in my shaking arms three days ago, I cursed the heavens. My brother, my wife, and my son had been taken away from me. Today, though, the fever PAMELA had caught from JAMESBOND rose to an unprecedented level. Even my pedestrian medical experience could tell she was a goner. As she lay in a dizzy haze, she related to me a startling confession. She told me that JAMESBOND had been having sexual congress with both her and TITTZZZ simultaneously while I was driving the wagon, until he died. That was why the fever which killed him passed on to my wife and PAMELA without first affecting me or TURD. That lowdown, dirty, rotten, scoundrel! I no longer regret urinating on his grave, except for the fact that I could have saved my urine for drinking.

December 12th. 1848

dear diary,

i dont know how i manage to go on. all alone with no food and dirty water and a fever. i miss my wife so but i cannot help but feel animosity toward her and PAMELA, those lecherous whores. i still might be able to make it to the colorado river… but my head… i i ……_______________________

December 15th, 1848

To whoever finds this Diary,

SUCK IT BITCHES!!! I made it to Oregon, and it’s just as nice as everyone said it was! The streets are paved with cocaine and the primary form of currency is sexual favors! I’ve met a nice blonde with supple lips and a thing for Lucha wrestling, so I couldn’t be happier. I plan to start a career as a hardcore rapper and fulfill my dream of diving into a swimming pool filled with a mixture of money and beer. It’s Oregon, So Anything’s Possible!™ Man, I friggin’ LOVE the Beaver State!