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James' Story

“We can never turn back the pages of time, though we may wish to relive a happy moment, or say goodbye just one last time, we never can, because the sands of time continue to fall, and we can’t turn the hourglass over.”

My Kids and I: Letting Go and Moving On

“Some of us think holding on makes us strong, but sometimes it is letting go.”

~Herman Hesse

You Are Stronger Than You Think

"You are stronger than you think, remember to stand tall.

Every challenge in your life helps you to grow.

Every problem you encounter strengthens your mind and your soul.

Every trouble you overcome increases your understanding of life.

When all your troubles weigh heavily on your shoulders, remember that beneath the burden you can stand tall, because you are never given more than you can handle... and you are stronger than you think."

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08 February 2009

They call it "hazards of the trade." I guess with the kind of work that I do, there is no way I can please everyone. I have to take sides. I have to protect one and risk infuriating the other. I'm the type who goes for a win-win arrangement. Unfortunately, when greed enters the picture, that's when trouble sets in.

First time something like this happened, my Dad uncovered the death threat and James never left my side after learning about it. I went on to win that case.

About five or six weeks ago, I got a similar threat on my phone. It did not really sink in right away. "You dare to scare me??? That is so funny because nobody and nothing can ever scare me now!" I just laughed it off.

Then one day... Wham! I was taking pleasure from watching my kids' big smiles on their faces when, suddenly, I realized I am all that they have now.

One good friend, who dared to call me selfish after I ignored the threat, is right. I am being selfish. I live only for today. I am fatalistic. I no longer worry about tomorrow. What is the use of planning when nothing seems to happen according to my plans anyway.

But my kids' future depends on me. They have no choice-- I am all they have. I have no right to take unnecessary risks. I owe it to my kids to see them through until they can get on their feet and stand on their own. I am not in any way going to disappoint them. After all, there is a good reason why I am left to raise them on my own. They mean the world to me. I am not going to allow anyone to hurt them again.

Yes Susan, nobody should dare mess with our kids. Never underestimate the power of a mama bear.

Mariuca, everything always works out for the best. I have a special mission in life and that is to guide my kids as they each choose which path to follow. I will be their light. I won' allow anyone to deprive my kids of that.

Bingkee, the Lord never left my side. He saved me from danger when He stopped me from going out with James that night that he and his friends disappeared. I have no doubt whatsoever now that He will protect me from anything and anyone. He still has a special mission for me and I don't intend to disappoint Him. I have all the reasons now to look forward to each new day.

Hi Kat, thank you for the encouragement. I must admit that sometimes I do get to live my life recklessly/ carelessly. Maybe that's because of the new-found strength and courage which I am enjoying to the max right now.

Everyday, I discover something new about life and myself. I am amazed at the beauty of life and how our kids give new meaning to our lives.

I should use this new-found strength for the benefit of my children and not for anyone else. I live for them now.

You're quite right you've got to be pragmatic. Two things you included in this post: about win-win arrangement and not worrying about planning too much-to me sound thoughts from deep introspection. I like them. Its good to turn triggers to win-win situations to breed harmony.

PUSHHYARAG, thank you for the kind words. I am so flattered. Yes, I got to this age knowing already what matters most in life. When I was younger, I used to waste so much time and energy worrying about the future. Because of that, I missed a lot of golden opportunities to bond with my kids. I'm glad that it was not too late yet when realization hit me.

Khaye, you are so sweet. I saw the award and I am so honored to receive it from you. I'm glad that you are enjoying both of my blogs. The other one shows my goofy side. This other side of Bing needs some outlet too.

I hope you don't mind if I am going to take my time to choose the people I want to share it with. I don't take these awards lightly (they mean a lot to me) and you are right about so many bloggers who deserve them. I want to give them to the best among the best (as far as I am concerned).

Ray, it is really sad how some people try to manipulate others by bullying them into submission. Unfortunately for them, I cannot be bullied by anyone. I stand firmly by my principles. After all, dogs who bark don't really bite. I'm still being extra careful though for my kids' sake.

Ms. Bing dear, I admire that you stand fearless despite the threats but please take extra care of yourself for your children's sake. Believe me, losing another parent is one of greatest fears of a child who already lost his father/mother.

Sue, I am so glad to hear from you again! You are right, losing me is my kids' greatest fear now. I am quite aware of that and I do assure them all the time that everything's going to be okay for all of us and that there is no reason to be afraid.

Thank you for dropping by again and I hope to read a new post from you soon. I miss reading all the nice stuff you write about. Please keep on blogging.

Kat, thank you so much not only for the award but also for helping me see what has long been waiting to be "discovered.". I am forever grateful to you for what you have done for me and my kids. Tonight, it was Jaz who got the smudge. It made us all smile. Nope, it's no longer confined to mornings.

Angel, there was a time when I wanted it all to end. I went through every emotion that you are trying to hurdle right now. That is why I can feel your pain. I can also feel all you fears. But I found the tools to survive. So I shared them with you. I am a survivor of pain. I hope to see you outside of that dark tunnel soon. The light is just few steps away. Hold my hand and I'll show you the way.

Shinade, your kind words warmed my heart. Indeed it is so hard to maintain a home and a career at the same time. But it is clear to me now that I am a mother to my kids first and foremost.

There will always be danger, Shinade. With the work that I do, there will always be people who wish that my kind never existed at all.

I find comfort in the fact that the Lord has covered my back and protected me so many times already. And I got to this point knowing what my life's purpose is. I am sure HE won't allow me not to finish what HE has appointed me to do.

About Me

On January 25, 2005, I lost my husband. Welcome to my random thoughts about losing James and finding myself again. For in this journey called Life, "there is no such thing as a negative experience... only opportunities to grow."

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Being happy doesn't mean everything's perfect. It means you decide to see beyond the imperfections.

"Count your blessings. Once you realize how valuable you are and how much you have going for you, the smiles will return, the sun will break out, the music will play, and you will finally be able to move forward to the life that God intended for you with grace, strength, courage and confidence." ~ Og Mandino

If I could wish for my life to be perfect, it would be tempting, but I would have to decline, for life would no longer teach me anything.