Kenny Killed: Yes. Accidentally run over by a speeding police car; (immediately after being deliberately shot by an alien spacecraft and then trampled under stampeding cattle). I have days like that myself.

Cartman Badass Rating: 1. Other than a bit of bragging and some serious denial issues, this episode finds Eric mainly on the defensive from his friends, aliens and his mother. I almost felt sorry for him.

Episode Score: 3/5 1 cat, 1 decapitation and no chainsaws.

Notes: The very first episode; (except the unaired pilot). Kick the baby!

Notes: Cathy Lee Gifford? I had to look her up on Wikipedia. Beefcake! It’s always good to see Mr. Garrison in action too; my favourite South Park character.

1.3 “Volcano”

Topic: Hunting

Kenny Killed: Yes. Accidentally shot by Ned when he drops his gun. Boring……

Cartman Badass Rating: 2. Eric’s good ghost story turns out to be true, but he ends up having to run away when his joke of dressing up as Scuzzlebutt back-fires and his friends nearly shoot him.

Episode Score: 3/5 No cats, chainsaws or decapitations.

Notes: It’s coming right for us! Duck and cover. The town almost gets trashed.

1.4 “Big Gay Al’s Big Gay Boat Ride”

Topic: Sexuality

Kenny Killed: Yes. His arms are deliberately pulled off and his head removed by three of the opposing team during a game of American football. It’s a silly game anyway.

Catman Badass Rating: 2. Eric gives Stan a lot of grief over his gay dog Sparky, but otherwise he doesn’t have a lot to do in this episode.

Episode Score: 2/5 1 cat, 1 decapitation and no chainsaws.

Notes: The George Clooney episode. A slightly disappointing one, with way too much going on in it.

1.5 “An Elephant Makes Love to a Pig”

Topic: Genetic engineering

Kenny Killed: Yes. Stan’s gigantic, evil clone accidentally knocks Kenny into a microwave oven, which then switches on and incinerates him. When you think about it, it must have been a massive microwave oven for it to be big enough for an eight-year-old to easily fit inside it. I’d barely fit a head into mine; (not that I’ve tried).

Cartman Badass Rating: 3. Eric spends most of the episode defending his pet, pot-bellied pig Fluffy from being abused by the others, but he does manage some suitably horrible misogynistic comments when Stan reveals that his sister regularly beats him up.

Episode Score: 3/5 No cats, chainsaws or decapitations.

Notes: Perhaps we should just leave nature alone to its simple, one-assed schematics.

1.6 “Death”

Topic: Euthanasia / Censorship

Kenny Killed: Yes. Gets touched by Death. (We do then see him briefly as a ghost.)

Cartman Badass Rating: 1. Eric has little to do in this episode.

Episode Score: 3/5 No cats, chainsaws or decapitations.

Notes: The episode that introduces us to Terrance and Phillip.

1.7 “Pinkeye”

Topic: Halloween

Kenny Killed: Yes. The Mir Space Station crashes on Kenny, crushing his head. He then becomes reanimated when Worcester Sauce gets mixed into his embalming fluid, before he’s cut in two by Kyle with a chainsaw. However, he then briefly comes ‘back to life’ again before a status falls on him and crushes him, swiftly followed by an aeroplane crashing on him. (That’s a bad day in anyone’s book, even Kenny’s.)

Cartman Badass Rating: 4. Eric tries to go to the school Halloween party dressed as Hitler. As an alternative, he then goes as a ghost, which makes him look like a member of the Ku Klux Klan. (That there’s one, seriously fucked-up web site.) In his defence, he does put up a genuine and rare show of bravery when zombies threaten to ruin his trick or treating.

Episode Score: 3/5 3 chainsaws, 7 decapitations and no cats. (There were probably more than 7 heads cut off, but in the heat of battle it’s hard to keep good records.)

Cartman Badass Rating: 4. Whether it’s dealing with an Ethiopian child, demanding to be taken back to America after he’s accidentally sent to Africa, or being mean about Kenny’s parents’ not having a lot of money, Eric puts in a vintage performance of selfishness. However in the end he briefly comes good and revels the stash of food kept by Sally Struthers from the people it was intended for.

Episode Score: 4/5 No cats, chainsaws, or decapitations. (Well a lot of turkeys have their heads cut off but they don’t count.)

Notes: Pissed-off turkeys. Sally Struthers? Another ‘star’ I had to look up on Wikipedia.

Notes: It’s nearly a musical and it really is a Christmas episode. It’s also another one with a bit too much going on. The first appearance of the excellent Mr. Mackey (the school counsellor), the first, proper, live-action segment, the first time Kenny doesn’t die and the first appearance of possibly the most annoying character in South Park, Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo. I don’t want excrement to talk however charming it is; I just want it to get flushed away.

1.10 “Damien”

Topic: Friendship / Belief

Kenny Killed: Yes. Deliberately shot by Jimbo Kern, who misidentifies him as a rare, Duck-billed Platypus. (To be fair to Jimbo, Damien actually had turned Kenny into Duck-billed Platypus, so the mistake is understandable.)

Cartman Badass Rating: 4. Eric bullies the new kid at school (along with the rest of his friends) and throws a total wobbly when his birthday party doesn’t go to plan. (The latter would piss me off too.) A top-draw tantrum in fact.

Episode Score: 3/5 1 decapitation, no cats or chainsaws.

Notes: I want a Mega Man! This episode also contains South Park’s first Star Trek reference.

1.11 “Tom’s Rhinoplasty”

Topic: Plastic surgery / Love

Kenny Killed: Yes. Accidentally killed by substitute teacher Ms. Ellen, whilst she’s trying to stop some Iraqi men from arresting her for murder and treason. She grabs one man’s sword off of him, but as a result of swinging it about loses her grip and it hits Kenny in the middle of his face, pinning him to the wall behind.

Cartman Badass Rating: 1. Seriously, he does nothing in this episode at all. A real disappointment.

Notes: I’ve always had a thing for Wendy Testaburger; it’s that combination of cuteness, intelligence and full-on bitch from Hell that does it for me. She looks great in a pink bikini too.

1.12 “Mecha-Streisand”

Topic: Ownership

Kenny Killed: Yes. During Barbara Streisand‘s attack on South Park, Kenny randomly punches a Swingball ball, which then swings around the pole several times, trapping him by the neck and strangling him.

Cartman Badass Rating: 4. Eric inappropriately sings slave songs and spends most of the film raising an interesting philosophical question about ownership. More positively, he also does pretty well resisting being tortured, for an eight-year-old.

Episode Score: 3/5 No cats, chainsaws or decapitations.

Notes: Barbara Streisand is well on her way to totally trashing South Park; until Robert Smith from The Cure turns up and stops her. The Cure is good. The town gets badly trashed.

1.13 “Cartman’s Mom is a Dirty Slut”

Topic: Parentage

Kenny Killed: Yes. After an accident with an out-of-control, homemade go-cart, Kenny ends up sitting on a rail track when it finally comes to a halt. Unfortunately, a speeding train then comes along and runs him over.

Cartman Badass Rating: 2. Eric has to deal with a lot of personal baggage in trying to find out who his father is. I guess that’s pretty tough to deal with for most people and seems to blunt his personality somewhat.

Episode Score: 3/5 1 cat, no chainsaws or decapitations.

Notes: You have to feel sorry for Cartman this time around. Rather cruelly, his friends send an embarrassing video of him in to a national TV show. That’s pretty mean, although they do then offer him their winnings to help him in his quest.

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