Thursday, November 03, 2005

"Crush"ing Me...

Crushes…how can people still have them? I can only recall one crush that I ever had and that was on the nurse that gave birth to me. OK, maybe I should rephrase that to “the nurse that tended to my mother during childbirth”, lest you start wondering…

It’s always been a firm belief of mine that the first crush anyone has (and in cases like mine, the last as well) is on the person that tends to their mother during childbirth. This also explains several other facts of life, like the fact that woman-woman bonding is so much stronger than male-male bonding. (OK, I know that the more asinine among you will want to debate this, but you’re wrong obviously, because:a)You disagree with me andb)Since I am the one writing this post, I am right…)

Think about it. You’ll see it everywhere and here’s a common example from daily life. Women behave as if they’d be devoured by a demon or something if they were to visit a rest-room alone, but have you ever seen a man asking another man to accompany him to the rest-room? (Yes, I know that this is lifted from an e-mail forward, but I couldn’t think of anything better to plug in here.)

I mean, seriously, if a guy tried putting his arm around my shoulder or hugging me, I (and most other sensible men – which I know are rare, but they do exist), would simply assume, very logically that this guy either had a male nurse tending to his mother or there was simply no nurse and just the doctor (a male one at that) supervised childbirth… That seems to me, to be the only possible explanation for our dear friend Cupid getting his sights so horribly wrong with this poor bloke…

Come to think of it, I know several women who say that they find Jennifer Anniston nice and who think that Sushmita Sen is hot, but I really can’t think of more than one guy I know who thinks that Brad Pitt or Al Pacino is “hot”. And hey, this guy owns a Santro, so you can reach your own conclusions on the veracity of my statement now. (Yes, MonsieurVA, this is aimed at you…like I said, I know only one such person ;-) ) (And yes again, I know the point on the Santro is completely arbit, but I liked the idea :-) )

Anyway, I think I have dwelt enough on the first line of the post (the one about crushes) to make this a post of half-decent length and therefore to make it a post of decent length, I shall now finally get to the point. (In case you’ve not noticed, I just managed a few more lines without really making any point, but then that’s the idea of typing this line as well.)

Well, having brought your attention to the fact that there is indeed a point I intend to make at some point (point again?) in this ramble, I think I have just blown my chances of getting away without making one and perhaps it is now time to get down to the task… *Sigh*…more work…

So, as I was saying, most people never seem to grow out of this tendency to have crushes even when they are well past the age that you’d expect them to have done so in a successful manner. That is the only reason I can think of for why, when an 85-year old man who was being interviewed on what he thought of “Murder”, he replied that he quite enjoyed the movie. Now, I am not a movie buff and have not ventured within shouting distance of any theatre screening this movie, but based on the general feedback, I can really think of only one reason for this horny old bas…oops, sorry… sweet old man, liking the movie and I don’t think I need to delve into that…

Now, some people I know like to put this tendency of having crushes down to the fact that a 25 year-old guy is about as mature as a 5 year-old girl, but, without bothering to refute this totally ludicrous assessment of the male maturity-quotient, I can safely dismiss this theory. Really, I can. After all, how else do you explain women swooning when a total no-hoper like Enrique Myballsareofglass is on stage? Or of course, the copious number of women’s garment companies whose success and sales are fuelled solely by picking up the pieces (literally) after these shows? (Psst! They tell me that Victoria’s Secret started this way too. But I’ll save that story for another day…)

Now, a crush is something that I personally would find pretty disagreeable I think. Apart from the discomforting thought of the frightful constriction that I believe would inevitably accompany a crush, I do really find it hard to envisage myself in a situation where I’m trying desperately hard not to swear or drive fast or in short, to be anything remotely like myself! Yes, at times I can even see the horrifying image of me complimenting women and refraining from remarking about their remarkably low IQ and choosing to ignore the opportunities for smart one-liners… *Sigh*

Now, I won’t deny the fact that I only appear to be 4’6” because of the stilts, but come on, I mean, can anyone really expect that much honesty? Thought not, and that puts me in the clear even on that front, not to mention the wig and dentures. Then again, I’d tell them if they asked!!!

This then - of course - makes me really wonder about just why people have crushes at all. Come to think about it, any woman who – however inconceivable it may sound – had a crush on me, would inevitably be dreaming about this tall, handsome guy with great hair and shiny white teeth, whereas the truth really couldn’t be further from that. I could say the same about a number of girls as well, mind you. After all, semiconductors and transistors are not all that technology created you know…

In a way, this kind of reminds me of children. I know several women who like the blighters. I personally, being more sensible, hate the creatures. I mean, it’s not like I’d shoot them all or anything or even that I would advocate a genocide of all children aged below 10. As a matter of fact, I’m quite ok with children, as long as they’re not within range of me. They’re a disaster.

Now, why do I say they’re like crushes? Coz when these girls say they like children, they then want children…but they’re blissfully unaware of the real truth. Unlike the doctored and morphed photographs of “cute babies”, these monstrosities of Nature are accompanied by labour pain, a terrible figure, wet clothes all over the house, nights of sleepless torture and of course, horrible hygiene, not to mention being horribly ugly, a sight that makes a shiver run down the spine etc etc…and then all the destruction they cause once they learn how to crawl and later walk…and mind you, I’ve not even mentioned the monetary cost… As my mother says, “I will always wonder just what I was thinking…” (And yes, I am an only child.)