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In 2008, I needed to start this blog. Because someone (and that someone was going to have to be me) needed to speak about the truth. Someone needed to tell the truth, no matter how blunt, how painful or how terrifying that would be. Read more »

Commitment: How To Get Her STOP Pushing For Commitment (Part 1)

Commitment. It’s one of those exciting and scary issues to talk about, let alone experience. Sometimes it comes easily for both of you and sometimes it’s a constant battle to get to each new level. When I think about what relationship drama revolves around, it always ends up being about: commitment. One person wants to move it forward – the other doesn’t and vice versa. So, what happens when you are getting into a relationship and really like the pace that it’s going at. Say you really like this woman and enjoy getting to know her more. But, now she is pushing for more commitment and trying to move things faster along than what your comfortable with. This can happen in various stages of dating. For example, commitment issues can be experienced where a woman wants to be in an exclusive relationship with you and you are still trying to figure that out. It could also arise when a woman wants to move in with you and start building a life with you and you are not comfortable with doing this right now. Here is how you can get a woman to stop pushing so hard for commitment:

1) Be more present with her.
The fascinating conclusion I came to the other day was that when a woman feels secure within the relationship i.e., she knows that she is loved, special, and appreciated then she is going to be less insecure about the relationship you are building together. The reason why a woman gets fixated on moving things to the next level is because she believes that the next “level” will be more fulfilling than what she is experiencing with you right now. So, as part of being more present, make sure to schedule time with your woman and give her your 100% attention. I’m more referring to a woman that you have been dating for more than a month (and that you may be in a relationship with). When you are spending time with her, don’t be thinking about work, or be thinking about missing your favorite TV show. Let me tell you this, quality of time is always more important than quantity of time. It’s more fulfilling for a woman to spend 3 hours with you where you are both incredibly engaged with one another than 20 hours where you were both hanging out and preoccupied with something else.

2) Identify the unmet need.
So, if you address the reason why she is unfulfilled right now – then you will reduce the push for more and more commitment. You see the push for more and more commitment is the result of an unmet need. Identify what that need is and the commitment push will disappear. The unmet need is the cause, the commitment push is the symptom. Go to the root of the cause and you can resolve any symptoms related to it. It’s literally dating and relationship biology! A really good question to ask her is, “what she thinks the next level will give her? Why will she be more comfortable? Does she have a belief in her head about how things are suppose to be? Does she think that you will give her more attention?” Find out what insecurity she is dealing with. Sometimes bringing it out and letting her express this unmet need is enough to reassure her and make her feel better. The reason why this is so powerful is because 99.9% of guys will never do this with a woman. Most men are constantly reacting to her actions and taking what she says and does at a personal level. Therefore, by helping her through this process (and not taking it personally) you can re-establish your leadership and distinguish yourself from the rest of the other men out there. You will re-enforce through your actions that you are a good man to have.

3) Show commitment through your actions.
When a woman takes the pressure off you – you will more than likely find yourself walking down the commitment path at your will and at your pace. And, it is much more powerful to show your commitment to her through small actions. For example, instead of saying, “I really see us building a life together” you could: introduce her to your friends, talk about her to your friends, start saving the money so you can move in together, and don’t shy away from conversations about marriage and kids. Be open to her about it, talk about it with her. Let her know whether this is something that you want in the future or whether it something you could never imagine happening. Remember that just because she is talking about commitment doesn’t mean that she wants it right now. Be rest assured that if you follow steps one and two it will significantly reduce her anxiety. The most important thing is that you take the lead and move the relationship forward at the pace that you want. Don’t allow her to manipulate you into more commitment. A number of woman are incredibly good at this. Stand strong and know what it is that you truly want with this woman.

Note: During this process make sure to examine any things that may be preventing you from more commitment with this woman. Is it that you just want to move things at a slower pace or is it you don’t ever want to commit because you have been really hurt in the past or had a relationship/marriage that just didn’t end well? As part of your own personal development take responsibility to work out any limiting beliefs that you may have about relationships. There is no perfect time to investigate such beliefs. And, realize that if you run from these emotions/beliefs you really can’t hide. Because you will only attract more women into your life that will cause you to deal with your issues. In other words, there is no point in running because you “take you with you”.

Another important thing to assess is whether the two of you truly want the same thing. She may want the white picket fence with the 2.5 kids and that may not be your style at all. It’s important to discuss and assess what each partner wants out of the relationship and both of your highest values. If the two of you want very different things – it’s time to get honest and see if you are willing to compromise or find someone who has more compatible life views.

Remember, the most part is to be truly: honest with yourself, what you want, what you are willing to give, and what you want to receive. While equally being honest with your partner about these things. Love is like a tennis match. Sometimes you hit a ball over the net and it comes back. Other times it doesn’t. It’s the risk we all take, but which makes it all worthwhile.

Keep a look out for next Wednesday where I will show you exactly what to do when you have a great woman who doesn’t want to commit.

6 Comments

1

Jason

Posted July 3, 2011 at 7:35 am

Huh. Never considered it in this exact way. I can see, logically, how something like this could be effective. Perhaps even more effective than, “Hey, you knew the program from day one so if you don’t like it, leave.”

If nothing else, your idea is much more polite.

2

hotalphamale

Posted July 4, 2011 at 4:01 am

@hotalphafemale: Just woke up, was kinda confused for a moment, so it’s basically preventing anybody from PUSHING for a commitment, for a commitment is never pushed but takes place by itself naturally.

@Jason: if a female is pushing for commitment, it simply means you’re not doing it right.

3

hotalphafemale

Posted July 6, 2011 at 11:46 am

@Jason: This really depends on whether you want to keep the woman around. If a woman is pushing for commitment a statement like that will temporarily keep her quiet – but the reason why she is pushing for it is still unaddressed. This solves the true problem rather than putting a temporary band aid on this side affect symptom.

@hotalphamale: Yes, commitment does happen naturally. And, additionally, I also hear of the many cases where women are feeling insecure and want more commitment from their man. And, men complaining that their woman is pushy. This is all the symptom of a bigger cause. So, I have to agree with you there, when a female is pushing for commitment – there may be something that the man is missing.

Hot Alpha Female

4

Jason

Posted July 7, 2011 at 1:19 pm

Hmmm…you’re right Jennifer. When I say that its usually good for 4-6 months then I have to kick them off the team. Thanks for the tip!

5

Mark

Posted July 27, 2011 at 6:35 am

I guess I should confess I watch just for the Asian woman with the Aussie accent,not for the advice!