Q&A for Teens: God’s Plan Vs. My Plan

Help! My family is moving and I don’t want to.

My family is moving to a different city. I am just so nervous and scared: I don’t want to move! But I don’t have a choice; we’re going. Help!

Lauren Roth's Answer

I’m composing this answer to your question as a voice memo on my phone, because I am, right now, sitting in traffic in the Brooklyn Battery Tunnel, on my way to Manhattan. But I wasn’t “supposed” to be going to Manhattan. I was “supposed” to be going to Brooklyn. I am supposed to attend a conference which began at 9 am in Brooklyn. It is now 9:30, and I am sitting in traffic, driving away from Brooklyn. You may ask: “Why?!” Well, I’ll tell you.

As I was driving to Brooklyn, I was in – you guessed it – famous New York traffic. All of a sudden, I had a windfall! I saw the far left lane completely open! Nobody else was in it! I felt so incredibly savvy as I pulled into that lane. “I am so smart!” I thought. “I wonder why nobody else thought of this option!”

Well…I had a completely clear path for, unfortunately, miles and miles and miles. I say “unfortunately” because my exit was NOT miles and miles and miles away, and that lane had no way to exit it! I watched my exit as I passed it. I even waved at it! I had to travel all the way into Manhattan, then I had to turn around and cross a bridge to get back into Brooklyn…!

If it’s God’s plan, then it’s a good plan.

This part, my friend, is the answer to your question. The entire time during this loooong detour, I kept saying, “Okay. I didn’t want to be late for this seminar. But God had a different plan. And if it’s God’s plan, then it’s a good plan.” I know that’s a simple example; sitting in traffic, allowing the traffic to take you to a place you didn’t necessarily want to go. But when we practice it with the small stuff, like traffic, then we can learn how to apply it to things that are serious, like: which family we’re born into, whom we marry, our financial situation, or where we have to move. Life becomes much easier to live once we truly, madly, deeply understand that God has a plan, even if we don’t agree with the plan. And if it’s God’s plan, then it’s a good plan, even if we wouldn’t have chosen it.

That’s not to say that we shouldn’t try to change what we are able to change. That’s not to say that we shouldn’t be activists in our own lives, bettering whichever situation we believe needs bettering. It does mean bringing serenity to our lives by accepting the approach they say in AA: “God, please grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

You might remember a few months ago when I wrote an article in this column about finding my glorious dream tree right in my own backyard. Well, guess what? Last week, I drove past the place where that tree lives, and beheld: huge bulldozers, belching black smoke, ripping up every piece of foliage in that area, including my beautiful tree. I also saw huge excavators, and massive dump trucks – hauling away the remains of my chopped-down, uprooted, chopped-up, glorious tree. As devastated as I’ll admit I was (I seriously almost cried; tears came to my eyes), it was at that moment that the thought struck me: God has a plan. And if God has a plan, then it’s a good plan, whether I agree with it or not. Whether I want it or not.

Would you hold God hostage to your script?

God always has a plan. Even if it doesn’t align with your plan for your life, if it is God’s plan, then it is a good plan. As I heard Iyanla Vanzant say recently: “You make up a story about what you think your life is supposed to be, and then you hold God hostage to your story?” You write a script for your life, and then expect to hold God hostage to that script?

So you’re moving. And you don’t want to. I get that. I also think that’s what God does to us always in life. He puts us in situations where we think, “No, no, no, no, no, no! This is NOT the situation that I wanted! This is not the situation I voted for!” And God, as it were, says, “Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes! This is the situation you need.”

Right now, there is a monster in your head. Its name is “We’re MOVING! ARGHHH!” But you really don’t know; that monster could turn out to be a fantastic boon in your life. You could, quite possibly, love the new place you live. Or maybe you’ll hate it at first but grow to really appreciate aspects of it. Or maybe you’ll just hate it, period, but learn a lot about what you do and don’t like, and learn a lot about yourself in the process of moving and creating new connections and new friends.

I guess you just need to be patient and wait to see what plan God has in store for you this time. Just one more thing. While you’re waiting for the plan to unfold, try not to worry. As my father recently said to me, “The decision has already been made. So it’s not worth perfectly good stomach lining!” Don’t let impending events tear up your stomach or your psyche with nervousness. Try to believe that God has a good plan in store for you, always.

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About the Author

Lauren Roth, MSW, LSW, is a graduate of Princeton University, a Marriage and Parenting Therapist in private practice in Lakewood, New Jersey, and an inspirational speaker across North America and on the high seas. She is the weekly "Dear Dr. Lauren" columnist for Ami Magazine. Mrs. Roth and her husband, Rabbi Dr. Daniel Roth, are the parents of six children.

Visitor Comments: 5

(5)
Staci,
March 1, 2013 3:44 PM

G-d's Plan and our blessings

This article could not have come at a better time. Because of my husband's new job in another state, we must uproot our family. Although this change is very difficult for our children, parents, and friends, it is G-d's plan. Almost 2 years ago, my husband's job was eliminated. He found something in between; however, we were unable to survive financially. There were so many blessings and lessons that emerged. Fortunately, with the belief that it is G-d's will for us to experience these unexpected life events, I am at peace. I hope, in time, my family will look back and understand G-d's plan. I feel so grateful for all of our blessings and lessons. Thank you for an amazing article!!

(4)
Claudemiro,
February 25, 2013 10:39 PM

My sister should have read this.

Thank you so much for such an interesting post. We're moving these days ( I hope!) and my sister, 8 years old, said she wouldn´t like to. I've been praying for more than 40 days to have the chance to move. I work for the Government and it's not easy to move from a city to another but I think "God has a plan". I didn´t write a script for my life, and then expect to hold God hostage to that script, these time. I prayed and prayed to know God's will on the subject "moving". I think I had the answer and I applyed for changing the place I work in. I wish my sister had read this.

(3)
Gary Tolchinsky,
February 25, 2013 9:23 PM

Please Help...A Question

I'm not a teen, but loved this article, except for one question
which I struggle with on this topic....I can have some peace when I feel I really couldn't control the
outcome through my actions (e.g. it rains on the day I've
planned a picnic). But what about when I think the
plan I don't like was at least partially my "fault"? In the example above, what if the author could have used a GPS, found a website with current traffic patterns, called a for help, figured that something was not right if a lane wasn't being used, etc? So was it G-D's plan that the writer was late for the seminar, or her own? And if it's the latter (which we never know),
then is there any way to feel a sense of peace that the
seemingly negative outcome could have been avoided?
It gets even trickier with other choices. What if we marry
the "wrong" person and get divorced because of being
too caught up in superficial traits and ignoring character?
What if we could have worked harder at a job and end up
getting fired? Once again, G-D's plan is for the best, but
maybe G-D's plan could have been different if I acted differently? Thanks again for a great article........Gary

(2)
diane,
February 25, 2013 6:24 AM

I have moved 34 times in my life and it is life disrupting and there is a meaning and it needs to be told in a book.

(1)
Anonymous,
February 25, 2013 6:04 AM

Wow.

I'm not sure why, but this article has me in tears. It is so true -- that we cannot expect G-d to follow the script that we have written. To this young girl whose family is moving -- I feel for you. But life gives us many many experiences that we would never have asked for, that we don't like, that we may even hate and suffer through. Believing that G-d's plan is a good plan is a life's work. It's not easy, but who said it would be? Thank you for a meaningful article.

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I'm told that it's a mitzvah to become intoxicated on Purim. This puzzles me, because to my understanding, it is not considered a good thing to become intoxicated, period.

One of the characteristics of the at-risk youth is their use of drugs, including alcohol. In my experience, getting drunk doesn't reveal secrets. It makes people act stupid and irresponsible, doing things they would never do if they were sober. Also, I know a lot about the horrible health effects of abusing alcohol, because I work at a research center that focuses on addiction and substance abuse.

Also, I am an alcoholic, which means that if I drink, very bad things happen. I have not had a drink in 22 years, and I have no intention of starting now. Surely there must be instances where a person is excused from the obligation to drink. I don't see how Judaism could ever promote the idea of getting drunk. It just doesn't seem right.

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Putting aside for a moment all the spiritual and philosophical reasons for getting drunk on Purim, this remains an issue of common sense. Of course, teenagers should be warned of the dangers of acute alcohol ingestion. Of course, nobody should drink and drive. Of course, nobody should become so drunk to the point of negligence in performing mitzvot. And of course, a recovering alcoholic should not partake of alcohol on Purim.

Indeed, the Code of Jewish Law explicitly says that if one suspects the drinking may affect him negatively, then he should NOT drink.

Getting drunk on Purim is actually one of the most difficult mitzvot to do correctly. A person should only drink if it will lead to positive spiritual results - e.g. under the loosening affect of the alcohol, greater awareness will surface of the love for God and Torah found deep in the heart. (Perhaps if we were on a higher spiritual level, we wouldn't need to get drunk!)

Yet the Talmud still speaks of an obligation on Purim of "not knowing the difference between Blessed is Mordechai and Cursed is Haman." How then should a person who doesn't drink get the point of “not knowing”? Simple - just go to sleep! (Rama - OC 695:2)

All this applies to individuals. But the question remains - does drinking on Purim adversely affect the collective social health of the Jewish community?

The aversion to alcoholism is engrained into Jewish consciousness from a number of Biblical and Talmudic sources. There are the rebuking words of prophets - Isaiah 28:1, Hosea 3:1 with Rashi, and Amos 6:6, and the Zohar says that "The wicked stray after wine" (Midrash Ne'alam Parshat Vayera).

It is well known that the rate of alcoholism among Jews has historically been very low. Numerous medical, psychological and sociological studies have confirmed this. The connection between Judaism and sobriety is so evident, that the following conversation is reported by Lawrence Kelemen in "Permission to Receive":

When Dr. Mark Keller, editor of the Quarterly Journal of Studies on Alcohol, commented that "practically all Jews do drink, and yet all the world knows that Jews hardly ever become alcoholics," his colleague, Dr. Howard Haggard, director of Yale's Laboratory of Applied Physiology, jokingly proposed converting alcoholics to the Jewish religion in order to immerse them in a culture with healthy attitudes toward drinking!

Perhaps we could suggest that it is precisely because of the use of alcohol in traditional ceremonies (Kiddush, Bris, Purim, etc.), that Jews experience such low rates of alcoholism. This ceremonial usage may actually act like an inoculation - i.e. injecting a safe amount that keeps the disease away.

Of course, as we said earlier, all this needs to be monitored with good common sense. Yet in my personal experience - having been in the company of Torah scholars who were totally drunk on Purim - they acted with extreme gentleness and joy. Amid the Jewish songs and beautiful words of Torah, every year the event is, for me, very special.

Adar 12 marks the dedication of Herod's renovations on the second Holy Temple in Jerusalem in 11 BCE. Herod was king of Judea in the first century BCE who constructed grand projects like the fortresses at Masada and Herodium, the city of Caesarea, and fortifications around the old city of Jerusalem. The most ambitious of Herod's projects was the re-building of the Temple, which was in disrepair after standing over 300 years. Herod's renovations included a huge man-made platform that remains today the largest man-made platform in the world. It took 10,000 men 10 years just to build the retaining walls around the Temple Mount; the Western Wall that we know today is part of that retaining wall. The Temple itself was a phenomenal site, covered in gold and marble. As the Talmud says, "He who has not seen Herod's building, has never in his life seen a truly grand building."

Some people gauge the value of themselves by what they own. But in reality, the entire concept of ownership of possessions is based on an illusion. When you obtain a material object, it does not become part of you. Ownership is merely your right to use specific objects whenever you wish.

How unfortunate is the person who has an ambition to cleave to something impossible to cleave to! Such a person will not obtain what he desires and will experience suffering.

Fortunate is the person whose ambition it is to acquire personal growth that is independent of external factors. Such a person will lead a happy and rewarding life.

With exercising patience you could have saved yourself 400 zuzim (Berachos 20a).

This Talmudic proverb arose from a case where someone was fined 400 zuzim because he acted in undue haste and insulted some one.

I was once pulling into a parking lot. Since I was a bit late for an important appointment, I was terribly annoyed that the lead car in the procession was creeping at a snail's pace. The driver immediately in front of me was showing his impatience by sounding his horn. In my aggravation, I wanted to join him, but I saw no real purpose in adding to the cacophony.

When the lead driver finally pulled into a parking space, I saw a wheelchair symbol on his rear license plate. He was handicapped and was obviously in need of the nearest parking space. I felt bad that I had harbored such hostile feelings about him, but was gratified that I had not sounded my horn, because then I would really have felt guilty for my lack of consideration.

This incident has helped me to delay my reactions to other frustrating situations until I have more time to evaluate all the circumstances. My motives do not stem from lofty principles, but from my desire to avoid having to feel guilt and remorse for having been foolish or inconsiderate.

Today I shall...

try to withhold impulsive reaction, bearing in mind that a hasty act performed without full knowledge of all the circumstances may cause me much distress.

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