Healing after affair and then the golden OW

6 months on from affair crisis and things getting slowly better in my 20+ years marriage with 2dc. Able to talk more now but we are running at different paces - OH "its over, was once, lets just move on, stop attacking me, getting angry". This anger is v. Infrequent on my part - normally triggered by PMT, OH not helping with stuff, just random moments of sadness. Been thinking a lot about contacting OW to say "I know, you and OH behaviour had devastating impact on me and DC - if you have any humanity/empathy, know this and own it". Mentioned this to my OH and his response "Contact her and I will divorce you". Absolutely floored - not what HE wants as it will upset her!!!!!

Me too - he maintains that it will upset her but I find it upsetting that he is prioritising her feelings over mine - minimising/less concerned about my healing than her - and the divorce threat - that is some threat from a person who is trying to make amends!

I can't actually believe he threatened to divorce you. After you stick by him and started working through this issues HIS affair caused. Sorry OP but that comment alone would maker rethink if it was worth working for

So he had an affair, but only a few months later is getting angry with you for expressing your (justified) anger and hurt, won't attend counselling (a different counsellor could easily be found if he disliked the first one you saw) and threatening you with divorce if you contact OW.

Nasty. He should be doing everything possible to make amends and listen to you. He may well wish to "move on" (brush it all under the carpet), but he's being selfish (at best).

Is he from the "I had the affair because X, Y and Z was wrong with our relationship and we BOTH need to change" (i.e. you'd best keep on your toes or he'll be off again) school of thought?

As regards OW, best let it be, focus your anger on the person you're with.

It was awful for a good while but in hindsight I am glad she came along because otherwise we might have to and froed about whether we were going to see it through but as it was it was a clean and final break.

If it helps although my life has changed dramatically I am more peaceful and content than I would have thought possible

I have a terrible memory - was it an affair in an otherwise happy marriage ?

It is a difficult one as I would also be seething that this OW was so selfish she had an affair with a married man without caring about you or his children at all. A bit of fun for her was worth devastating an entire family and I understand why you might want to make her face up to it. The cunt. He is the one who was in the wrong most of all though, lying and breaking his promises to you and pissing on his DC's happiness for the sake of his cock. I think you are probably not thinking straight yet and maybe you will look at what you and he have left and decide to move on at some point. It sounds like he is calling all the shots and you are crumbling but you will find yourself again and re-evaluate. He does not sound like he is doing enough to save your marriage. Will he do it again do you think? Are you able to worship his cock sufficiently to keep him happy?

Either he's prioritising her feelings over yours or there's stuff he hasn't told you that he's afraid she will - neither of those bode well.

So how about if you were to say "I think you're right, we should divorce", and start talking about practical arrangements? If he agrees, this "trying to make it work" approach was doomed anyway. If not, it may concentrate his mind on what he stands to lose, because at the moment it doesn't sound like he's ever taken that on board to a meaningful extent.

Hi Dozer yes he is from the blaming school and heaped on whole load if things wrong with me as a person - too focussed on DC, not positive about things i.e try to talk about bad news stories, watch documentaries about social problems. He has said that he wont change but wants to try and make things better... but leaves it to me to arrange things... As he is so busy with his things

Hi roshgegosh i think he may have forgotten to mention that he was married and, for that reason, i feel some sympathy for her and he thinks she is gold plated because she then ditched him for this reason i.e otherwise a joint gold plated future awaited.. Or maybe not.Vivacia - no idea if she experienced hurt - nothing in text messages to show that. I don't want any response from her just to let her know for the avoidance of doubt that her actions/choices impacted v. badly on me and DC and that she bears some responsibility too

he didn't go to counselling, he tells you to move on when you show understandable upset and threatens divorce if you were to contact OW ?

Oh dear, you really are on very different pages. You are trying to save your marriage singlehandedly. It won't be too long until he's at it again (with Golden OW or a different one), I am afraid, that is if he's ever stopped.

My suspicions would be very strong that he and GOW are lying low until you STFU and then will take up where they left off.

So, he really wanted her, but as she wasn't interested in a married man, she gave him the heave-ho, so now he's stuck with you?

Nice!

It seems to me he's in this relationship with you until something better comes along. And in the meantime, he's going to bully you into being the perfect little wifey, as otherwise you will be too scared he will leave.

I suggest you separate for a while. Then you can both decide what it is you really want, from a more informed point of view.