Columnist Aled Blake ponders the thinking behind the Lib Dems' deal with the Tories as film is made on the moment in 2010

It’s been a tough few years for Nick Clegg. His personal ratings have plunged, his party’s popularity has taken a dive. The prospect of making a new coalition with someone – anyone! – after the next general seems ever-distant for the chameleons of British politics.

Anyway, by pure chance, I’ve been exclusively leaked some of the script* and have decided to share it...

Nick is sitting at his dining table, wearing matching button-up yellow pyjamas. With him are his right-hand men David Laws and Danny Alexander. His wife, Miriam is making them all a pot of tea. Nick is eating a bowl of Rice Krispies. And dribbling milk down his chin. He wipes it with the end of his sleeve.

Nick: I’m not sure I like Rice Krispies that much any more. They used to be my favourite.

David Laws: A bit like the British people’s verdict on the Labour Party! [laughs]

Nick: Very good. Yes, I might use that as a metaphor in one of my speeches today, you two can stand behind me and look on supportively.

Danny Alexander: Great idea. How about: “The people of Britain have spoken. Much like this morning, when I decided I didn’t like Rice Krispies any more, because they go soggy quickly and aren’t that filling, you said you don’t like the Labour Party in the same way.”

Nick: No. That won’t work. I’ll just wear a yellow tie and tell everyone that we’re dead against tuition fees. That always seems to be a popular line.

Danny: Great idea. Great idea. I’ll write that down...

[Nick’s phone begins to buzz, he takes a look at it]

Nick: It’s Vince Cable again. Miriam, can you answer this and tell him I’m in the shower again, please?

David: So what are you going to do, then Nick? There’s lots of options for you. The future of government in Britain is in your hands.

Nick: What are they?

David: Coalition with the Tories?

Nick: Hmm, could do. Sometimes I feel like David Cameron and me dig the same things. We’re the same generation, we like the same clothes (suits), we might even look good standing at podium in a sunny garden in Downing Street together. It could be a brave new era for politics in this country. An era where the childish yah-boo politics is ended. A politics of partnership.

David: It would be a great sell. We’d look like grown ups, working to rebuild the country.

Danny: A great sell, yep a great sell. I’ll write a press release.

Nick: What else can I do?

David: Team up with Gordon Brown?

Nick: Two words: Rice Krispies. Next.

David: Refuse any coalition and call for another general election to be held. After all, nobody won the vote outright – least of all us.

Nick: I suppose we could, that would probably be the decent thing to do.

Danny: And we are a very decent party.

Nick: Oh absolutely, we wouldn’t make promises on things like welfare and tuition fees if we weren’t decent.

Danny: No, you’re a very decent man, Nick.

Nick: Yes, I am. I’ve seen me in those TV debates. Miriam Sky Plussed them. I came across really well when I looked in the camera and said people in the audience’s names.

David: So what’s your plan?

[Nick’s phone begins to buzz, he checks it...]

Nick: It’s DC... David, hello! How are you? About this coalition thing, I’ve come to a decision and I’m up for it. A couple of things we want in return, well students are big Lib Dem voters and we made a promise on tuition fees: no more rises!

[pauses]

Nick: OK, yep, that’s fine, if it’s for the good of the country, we’ll back a rise. I’m sure nothing embarrassing will come of it for me. After all this is the end of yah-boo politics. And benefits?

[pauses]

Nick: Yep, great idea: spare room subsidy. I like it. It’s got a ring to it. A vote winner for the Lib Dems! So I get the deputy job, yeah?

[pauses]

Nick: No, Vince won’t be any trouble at all. I’ve got a dancing competition on TV lined up for him. Yep, I’ll see you in the Downing Street back garden. It’s a lovely day. I’ve got a nice yellow tie I’m going to wear. Bye!

[Nick puts the phone down]

Nick: Miriam! Iron my very best yellow tie! I’m about to become the second most powerful man in Britain... I think.

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