If you are my friend, then be my friend. What does that mean to me? Be honest, be kind, be there.

I have been struggling a lot lately. My depression, anxiety and loneliness have taken over my life.

I deactivated my FaceBook account… it just was making me feel worse. I was envious of the lives I was seeing. And I was so sad to have been left out of events.

And it does suck. What hurt the worst, was being excluded. And knowing that was being excluded. I have “friends” who have lied to me or lied by omission. It wasn’t an accident, that can only be blamed once or twice. Nope, it was an active decision. And that sucks.

But, here is the truth. I am not the one who should be sad! I am not the one missing out on *me*. I am loyal and loving and kind and generous. I have a great sense of humor, if you don’t believe me, just listen to me laugh at my own jokes! I can’t cook, but I am crafty and creative. I am always a bit of a mess, but never malicious. I am good to have as a friend. If you missed out and don’t have me as a friend, you are the one who deserves the sympathy.

When I listen to my depression I hear that it’s me.. I am not worthy. I am worthless.

But, I know that’s not true.

And, if you think anything less of me than the fact that I am an awesome human being, you can just keep that shit to yourself and stay away from me.

Maybe I should change that title… Eh, anyone who knows me knows I love my role as wife!

Today B and I celebrate 12 years of wedded bliss. A dozen years as partners, a team, a couple.

And here is one shot from most of those years:

As I have been going through these, it’s amazing how much our lives have changed! It’s also funny how technology changed.. We were wed back in the dark ages & my wedding photos are all photos, no digital! I own the negatives though 🙂 (That used to be important!) And looking for shots from this year, I don’t have any.. Or, rather, I don’t have any on this computer at this point. They’re all hiding in my phone or on the cloud.

What has not changed–I love him, he loves me, we were made to be together.

You all know that I run. And, if you have met me in real life, or seen me run, you know that I am s-l-o-w. There were a few brief moments over the past few years that I wasn’t so slow, but then I have promptly returned to my turtle pace.

I love half marathons… They’re far enough to be a real challenge, but short enough that training doesn’t have to take over my entire life. And I can usually walk the next day 🙂

But, at my speed, half marathons are a grind. They just take a long time. And it’s tough.

In a couple of weeks I will run my next half. I anticipate a time around 3 hours. Yep, 3 hours. Three hours of moving my body, pushing it, grinding out 13.1 miles. Today I was given the gift of a day off. The little dude I watch didn’t need me so I decided to sneak in my long run for the week. I did a 10 mile run. It took me about 2.5 hours.

Historically, if I run over 10 miles there are tears involved… Sometimes there’s a full-on mental breakdown and sobbing even (darn the 26.2 distance!). Usually, they’re happy tears. Almost always they come from thinking about my life. I am a very lucky girl. I start thinking about how amazing it is that this chunky middle-aged mom of 4 can accomplish pushing herself this far.. I think about how often I have doubted myself and cry because there was no need.

But, what really gets the tears flowing is my husband.

During my training, he puts up with me talking non-stop about training.

He does give me a hard time about the race fees, but he is the one earning the money that pays for the races.

He, thankfully, seems to turn a blind eye to the stacks of running clothes and new shoes that magically appear.

He doesn’t get disgusted by my missing toe nails or the weird chaffing issues–at least if he does he hides it well.

And, more importantly, he believes in me. Many times I have sent a text message to him during those long miles. I tell him the truth about how I feel and share my doubt. He never flinches. He always has an encouraging word. He has my back. Today, at mile 8, I was fairly certain I couldn’t run anymore. I decided I would walk and I would complete the distance, but I wouldn’t speed up. I sent him a text. He responded with encouragement and the idea of changing up my music. And it was just what I needed. I think that those last 2 miles were faster than the 2 before. I cranked up some rap and sang along (you can be glad you didn’t have to bear witness to this sight!). And I could almost feel him here with me.

B & I are mid-air right now. We are headed to ID. This will be my first time there (other than driving through a corner). We are going to celebrate the wedding of a dear friend.

It’s hard to believe it was over 11 years ago that this friend stood as B’s best man in our wedding.

Now Brian will get a chance to support his friend in the same way.

I am excited about the wedding–I love a good party!

But, selfishly I am excited about the trip… The kids are home with Grandma. B & I get time to hang out with friends and enjoy. He will have his best man duties, but we really will just be able to be… With kids and jobs and life, there’s not much time. And even our down time seems booked–our DVR is often too full even.

Thank you for continuing to keep us in your thoughts/prayers. Last night we had friends and family gathered here to simply be together. We are still missing David terribly and it doesn’t feel real. But, the love of family and friends has been strong enough to touch. Thank you.

So, I am another year older. The last couple of years I have marked with a “year in review” type post. But, this year it is time for something different. This is more of a gratitude type post. For my birthday, this year I was spoiled rotten. I came home from the gym to 4 excited kids and lots of love (pretty good gift, right there!). They were quick to show me a gift. My loving husband went out and found the bike I sent him a photo of a few months back.

Later on he apologized about the color. Honestly, I couldn’t have told you he color of the bike in the photo, but he could. He scoured he city looking for the exact bike in the pic, but I am delighted with my bike. And, to be honest, it means even more to me knowing how much work he put in.

But, that wasn’t the end. I don’t want to brag, but I really do have to. He also gave me two generous gift cards. These cards are going to help me build a wardrobe for my new svelte body 🙂

Oh, and if that wasn’t all enough, he took the next day off to hang out. We did a spin class together, watched the new Batman, shopped and then sat second row for a concert. We saw Cracker, Big Head Todd & the Monsters, Blues Traveler & Bare Naked Ladies.

Can you believe it? Look at those babies! They were so little. And so very cute! I guess somethings haven’t changed that much. I’m going to kick myself if I can’t find the pictures that I’m looking for. Somewhere on this computer, I have pictures of Daniel and David the first day they ever came to our home. These pictures are within the first month or so that they were with us, but I will always remember them as they were that first day. They both had on overalls. They were so tiny and so curious. Brian and I were so nervous and excited and full of anticipation and hope and fear. I found the pictures!

We got the call at the end of July. There was a little guy at the house that I was doing respite for. They called and asked us if we’d be interested in two little boys. A two year old and a three year old. And, of course, we said yes. The first time we went out to meet the boys, we couldn’t get past the door. The caseworker had forgotten to let the shelter know we were coming so we were stuck waiting. The next time we went we played with the boys. It was clear how loved they were. The workers at the shelter had cared for our sons like they were their sons. Daniel told Brian as soon as he could, “My mom is sick, but she’s going to get better and come get me.” I think we should have known we were in trouble at that point.

We went back a week or so later and took the boys to McDonald’s. We *really* should have gotten the hint at this point! David climbed straight to the top of the play structure and then started bawling. He could get up, but not down. I scaled that sucker as fast as I could.

I joke that foster care is a lot like child birth.. thankfully you don’t really remember how bad it was or you’d never do it again! I know that I was so anxious for them to come to our home. I remember shopping at yard sales before seeing them. I remember just waiting for the phone to ring with an update. The first ride to our home with the boys, I just kept trying to get them to talk.

After a couple weeks, on August 11, 2005, Daniel and David came home.

They didn’t sleep through the night. Daniel regressed in his potty training. David would mutter, “stupidhead” to himself all day long. I was working full time still. I swear, Brian didn’t eat for at least a week or two. On my first day back to work, I called Jason (Brian’s cousin) to come over. He didn’t get why Brian would need company until he showed up.. when he got here, one of the kids was standing on the coffee table, the other was hitting the big screen with a matchbox car. Ha!

I don’t think that either of us thought it was funny back then.

The first time that I knew that I was mom was when I first took Daniel to day care. I think it was only a day or two after he was placed with us. Daniel wasn’t a very emotional kid back then and he kept his distance from me–I was not his mom at that point. Anyhow, I got there and took him into the room and walked out and as soon as I got a couple steps out he started crying.

I cried and sobbed and bawled the whole way to work. I hated that day care for not scooping him up and fixing all of his problems. I had fallen for him, hard.

And, as I wipe away the tears, it’s very clear that it wasn’t puppy love. Those boys have filled my soul. They made me what I was born to be–a mom. And they made us a family.

Brian and I never knew how good we were together until we became parents. It’s our biggest strength as a couple. And we had no clue until we added those little guys to the mix.