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I'm currently in a state of anxiety where my whole body feels tense. My musles are tight and woumd up. it physically hurts. I feel Lonely and nobody in my house understand what it feels like. I am so TIRED of people telling me to relax. If only it were that easy to do. I went to the doctor so a similar reason while i was in the middle of an attack not as sever but pretty bad. my heart was a little bit up. SHe told me that i had high blood pressure and gave me medicine for it even after i explained that i suffered from this illness and what was going on. It made wanna tell her that she was not help at all im looking for another primary care given she did not make me feel comfortable. I made feel helplkess and sad that she is not sympathetic or at least i dont feel like she was sympathetic. Sometimes I feel like I cant focus. think. or functiona nd I look for help but I dont feel like i get it. and not having money because i dont feel like i can function in my job does not help at all. I feel helpless and even though i know its unrealistic i wnat results now. Feeling like this sucks!!!

Have been very anxious and depressed without seemingly to be able to control it. Prayer and meditation help alot, but medications so far have not been working out or have given me bad side effects so get off of them after a few weeks or even a few days. Palpitations, suddenly waking in the night out of a sound sleep, heart pounding...it's getting very old VERY fast. Tired of the fears and persistent thoughts of dying. Tired of the dizzyness, weakness and fatigue. Tired of the gastrointestinal problems, constipation then diarrea, cramping, gas pain, reflux and globus feeling. Just tired. Frustrated.

Last night I beagan having that feeling i had expierenced since the start of last years summer. I went to bed with my wife and started feeling out of reality, losing my focus, feeling faint, and letting fear into my heart. My fear of dying and not being there for my child seems to always be haunting me. I began to Pray and read Psalms chapter 1-10. I'm not sure if King David ever felt like me but just like he did I put my Hope in My God. I don't take any anti-anxiety pills or have a therapist, I wonder sometimes why this happens to me or if I deserve it. God is there but he gave me common sense. I was lying in bed and tried going to sleep, as soon as i closed my eyes I could only hear my heart beating. I started to count the beats and soon it started beating faster. I started freaking out and almost had a full on attack but I stopped myself and said,"NO". I kept thinking about Isaiah 41:10 'Do not fear, for I am with you; Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surelyI will help you, Surely I will uphold you with My righteousrighthand.' I believe these words with all my heart. I always remember what he has done in my life. When my mom went into cardiac arrest and fell into a coma, the doctors said she wasn't going to make it. That was the day I gave my life to Jesus. I remember I put my trust in him and knew everything was going to be fine. To the doctors surprise she recovered and got better and now she is practically her old self. You wouldn't think she's been through that if you saw her. Now I always tell myself, "if God can bring your mom back from the dead, do you think he can't heal your problems? Do you think he can restore the chemicals in your brain to a perfect balance?" I know he can do it, In the end this whole expierence has brought me closer to him than I ever thought I would. I can't say the same for everyone out there, There are those who believe in God and those who rely on Science. I choose to believe in God and use my common Sense to excersise, eat healthy, and live a righteous life. I know My healing will come soon and I pray that everyone who suffers with the same expierence be healed as well. There is hope and I know I've expierenced thoughts of suicide. I ignore it because life still has a meaning and a purpose. I know my prayers will be answered and I will not be put to shame. Thank you Lord for the storm. I will stay Strong and continue on.

It has been a day. I got through my advising appointment without incident which is usually a huge source of anxiety for me; unfortunately the rest of the day seems to determined to punish that small victory. I just found out I'm failing my online class, and also my anthropology class and I have a GPA below 3.0- which for me is absolutely devastating. Because of that I will be unable to apply for a Harvard Leadership Conference which is absolutely devastating- it was a once in a lifetime opportunity. Its my own fault; I probably wouldn't have gotten in anyway- my resume isn't impressive enough nor are my career goals but it would've nice been able to try.

I hadn't realized I was struggling that much. I don't know how much of my struggle is schedule related, if I've taken on too much or if there's some anxiety related problems in there too. Power over the situation with money being spent without permission has been taken out of my hands which makes feel like I'm spiraling. I thought I had my life under control but I was wrong. All of this combined with the death of a family friend, and forgetting my phone charger at home this weekend has been pretty overwhelming. I'm trying not to cut- I've been clean for 3 years and I don't want to break that streak.

I'm trying to keep these things in perspective, but the problem is these are things that will matter in 5 years. I've never gotten a job I've had to interview for- I get too anxious to perform properly, even after studying interviewing techniques intensely. I'm forced to rely on a very impressive resume and my own ingenuity, and still can't get hired even at fast food places. I'll end up with a degree and no job prospects. That's the scariest thought of all, especially in this economy. I wish I could shut my brain off for a few hours so I could think and work effectively. I'm too anxious to focus properly, and focus is the only way I'll be able to get enough done to calm down.

In case you haven't noticed, I put a lot of my personal story into this blog. For me it's been almost a therapeutic exercise at times to share parts of my life that aren't exactly high points. About five years ago I went to Salem, MA with my godmother, cousin, and sister. We went to Laurie Cabot's shop - she is the unofficial (or possibly official?) Witch of Salem. While there we asked for a recommendation for psychic readings and they sent us to The Oracle Chamber. It was run by a husband and wife, small and unassuming you'd never guess this little shop could house something so special. Upon entering and meeting Therese and her husband (John? I can't remember, don't judge me) I was immediately put at ease. Never having ventured into the world of psychics, tarot cards, or palm readings I had no clue what to expect. What I got was an hour long intense and somewhat confusing tarot reading followed by a five minute palm reading that put words to something I never could but had somehow subconsciously sensed for a long time. Those words have brought me if not a sense of relief, at least a sense of peace. Therese so happens to be my grandmother's name so that alone made me interested in her reading and after hearing her read my cousin's palm and basically hit it out of the ballpark with her specificity I had to try it too. After grabbing my hand and shining a strong light onto it she started the reading and although I can't remember everything I do remember she pointed out to me that my palm creases in the shape of a five-pointed star and that I was a healer but a wounded one. A wounded healer.

This theme also came up loud and clear when I had my Numerology done. Huh.

So that's why my life tends to fall apart? So I can help other people more? I have always said, Erin Land is a great place but when things go wrong, they REALLY go wrong. The answer, apparently, is yes. Due to the epic mess of my life at certain points in time I have definitely grown more compassionate, gentler - with myself and others, and more open minded. Judge not lest ye be judged peeps. Or, more simply - don't judge anyone unless you have walked in their shoes.

I am fully aware that by putting personal details of my life on the internet I am opening myself up to criticism and God only knows what else. But if I'm helping someone get through their day or understand that they are not alone and there is nothing wrong with them, it's worth it. What I really want to know is, this page has almost 2000 views. And maybe 8 comments? What's up with that? Who are you out there reading this? Why don't you introduce yourself? Do you know me in real life or am I a total stranger you've managed to find? The anonymity of the internet allows you to read all about me and my little world - so what do you do after you're done reading? Here's an idea - leave me a comment - here or on Facebook or Twitter or Blogher. I'm all over the place y'all and I want to know who you are. Because I'm interested and curious and excited to know you and to hear what you get out of reading this blog.

Help me out here peeps. I promise to love you even if you don't but I sure will dig it if you do.