In reply to Re: Where I am presently » Clearskies, posted by SLS on August 28, 2017, at 10:18:04

> > The depression has been unrelenting> > I am sorry that you are not feeling better. I assumed you were doing much better based upon your name-change to "Clearskies". Certainly, the courses of mental illness can be variable.> > > and we are still looking for the right combination of medications. Almost there...> > How close are you? How do you know?> > Stress can cause "medication breakthrough" wherein a well-controlled improvement or remission deteriorates. Stress can prevent drugs from working well to start with.> > > - Scott

The medication issue was a monetary one. Rexulti. I responded well at the low dosage, so pdoc wrote a scrip for it. Of course my Part D insurance doesn't cover it...but if they did, my out of pocket cost would still be $600 per month.I'm being supplied with samples at the moment.

In reply to Where I am presently, posted by Clearskies on August 27, 2017, at 23:32:00

> My cat Amèlie is my constant companion, and she came out of her shell from the shelter beautifully. We share our eating difficulties...hers are more obvious in that she has food sensitivities.> I have a very few friends IRL. I'm on Facebook too much, and admin on a page there. Much different environment than here.> I get really lonely. Not crying lonely but the empty days ahead deer in the headlights lonely.> I'm so sorry you're feeling so alone. It's hard to make new friends, especially when you're older. What saved me through my divorce three years ago (37 years together!), was AA and NA. You make so many friends in these 12-step groups. I've heard that there are similar self-help groups for people with depression and other mental illnesses. Look into it. I don't know where you are living, but if you're in a city, there's probably something. I realize it may seem like - why be around a bunch of depressed people talking about depression?- but there's something about sharing these issues that we tend to keep secret from others that is very empowering and brings people together.

After my divorce, I got two kittens from the animal rescue league. They are a delight and, unlike dogs, are so low maintenance. Enjoy your cat. I hope you are able to hook into a group of people and be less alone. Loneliness is the worst feeling of all.

I don't know what to suggest. Is there a hobby or a cause or something that you feel passionately about? Volunteer work (if you have the time)? I don't know what opportunities there may be in your area.

Most people feel better if they feel like they are useful. Doing something to help or improve things.

There can be a lot of weird politics and stuff that gets in the way of that at times, though. Hard to find good opportunities.

I looked into volunteer work briefly, down here, but it mostly seems to be multi-million dollar charities getting people to rattle a tin to help raise the funds to support the board of directors. Or, people looking to boost their CV. It didn't look particularly... Altruistic to me. So I gave up. Which, I'm sure, made some psychopath out there particularly happy. Sigh.

In reply to Re: Where I am presently, posted by alexandra_k on August 29, 2017, at 0:47:13

Volunteer work (if you have the time)? I don't know what opportunities there may be in your area.> > Most people feel better if they feel like they are useful. Doing something to help or improve things.

I absolutely agree. I work 3 hours now and i am happy for my standards. I dont have to visit the daycare facility anymore where every day of your life you are reminded that you are not normal. It was helpful, but i am at a point in my life where i have to move on.

In reply to Re: Where I am presently, posted by Lamdage22 on August 28, 2017, at 23:15:51

> a lifetime of remission due to medication is extremely rare.

Remission from what?

Statistics?

I'm sure you realize that the population of Psycho-Babble does not reflect that of the general population. If one were to look at the state of affairs on Psycho-Babble, your statement would certainly seem accurate.

My personal experience with bipolar depression is not one of making me happy and peppy and bursting with love. Not yet, anyway.

In reply to Re: Where I am presently, posted by alexandra_k on August 29, 2017, at 0:47:13

Nice post, Alex.

> A meaningful life...> > Something Maslow hierarchy of needs about it. Something something that makes life worth living. > > I don't know what to suggest. Is there a hobby or a cause or something that you feel passionately about? Volunteer work (if you have the time)? I don't know what opportunities there may be in your area.> > Most people feel better if they feel like they are useful. Doing something to help or improve things. > > There can be a lot of weird politics and stuff that gets in the way of that at times, though. Hard to find good opportunities.> > I looked into volunteer work briefly, down here, but it mostly seems to be multi-million dollar charities getting people to rattle a tin to help raise the funds to support the board of directors. Or, people looking to boost their CV. It didn't look particularly... Altruistic to me. So I gave up. Which, I'm sure, made some psychopath out there particularly happy. Sigh.> > Back to biochemistry equations...

I would just add that your suggestions, as productive as they are, are often not applicable to people whose depressions are the most severe. Such depressions are vegetative enough to produce anergia, psychomotor retardation, and even catatonia. Just going to the bathroom or changing the TV channel can be an ordeal. I mention this so as to prevent frustration, and feelings of failure and inadequacy. These things can push someone to become suicidal. It is important to note, however, that many of these people do not have the resources of energy and motivation to be able to attempt the act. This is why it is most critical to monitor closely someone who is early in antidepressant treatment. As they begin to respond to treatment, energy and motivation begin to emerge. This is a dangerous time. Many of these people still have suicidal thoughts, but now have the resources to act on them. A question that can be asked is, how many of the suicides associated with the use of antidepressants occur precisely because the treatment was beginning to work?

In reply to Re: Where I am presently, posted by Lamdage22 on August 29, 2017, at 1:39:33

> I absolutely agree. I work 3 hours now and i am happy for my standards. I dont have to visit the daycare facility anymore where every day of your life you are reminded that you are not normal. It was helpful, but i am at a point in my life where i have to move on.

Me, too. I attended a partial hospitalization program for 7 years. At some point, I couldn't bear even one more day. I wanted to quit right then and there, but they encouraged me to come in for a few more days so that people could have the opportunity to say goodbye to me. I was okay with that.

Right now, I am volunteering 3-4 days a week for 7 hours each. The place is dedicated to advocating for the mentally ill and battling the stigma that often comes with it. Our diagnoses are left at the door, and we function quite normally. I can see myself staying there for awhile.

In reply to Re: Where I am presently, posted by SLS on August 29, 2017, at 6:56:04

> Me, too. I attended a partial hospitalization program for 7 years. At some point, I couldn't bear even one more day. I wanted to quit right then and there, but they encouraged me to come in for a few more days so that people could have the opportunity to say goodbye to me. I was okay with that.> > Right now, I am volunteering 3-4 days a week for 7 hours each. The place is dedicated to advocating for the mentally ill and battling the stigma that often comes with it. Our diagnoses are left at the door, and we function quite normally. I can see myself staying there for awhile.> > Home page:> > http://www.shoreclubhouse.org/

Keep up the good work! I leave my diagnosis at the door pretty much everywhere:)

In reply to Re: Where I am presently, posted by SLS on August 29, 2017, at 6:56:04

> > I absolutely agree. I work 3 hours now and i am happy for my standards. I dont have to visit the daycare facility anymore where every day of your life you are reminded that you are not normal. It was helpful, but i am at a point in my life where i have to move on. > > > Me, too. I attended a partial hospitalization program for 7 years. At some point, I couldn't bear even one more day. I wanted to quit right then and there, but they encouraged me to come in for a few more days so that people could have the opportunity to say goodbye to me. I was okay with that.> > Right now, I am volunteering 3-4 days a week for 7 hours each. The place is dedicated to advocating for the mentally ill and battling the stigma that often comes with it. Our diagnoses are left at the door, and we function quite normally. I can see myself staying there for awhile.> > Home page:> > http://www.shoreclubhouse.org/> > I do a lot of writing there:> > http://www.shoreclubhouse.org/membership.html> > Blog:> > http://www.shoreclubhouse.org/blog> > > - Scott

In reply to Where I am presently, posted by Clearskies on August 27, 2017, at 23:32:00

> Hey there, it's been 2 1/2 years since I left and divorced my spouse, and moved across the continent to start anew. The divorce was anything but simple, and we only recently had a final adjudication on the dissolution of the marriage.> So therapy has been a hoot. Not. I am still working hard on my past trauma and not incurring any unnecessary further damage. The depression has been unrelenting, and we are still looking for the right combination of medications. Almost there...> My cat Amèlie is my constant companion, and she came out of her shell from the shelter beautifully. We share our eating difficulties...hers are more obvious in that she has food sensitivities.> I have a very few friends IRL. I'm on Facebook too much, and admin on a page there. Much different environment than here.> I get really lonely. Not crying lonely but the empty days ahead deer in the headlights lonely.> > And how are you, my friends?> > CS

Cats are <3.

I'm sorry to hear about the loneliness. It's a grind in that wears one down, raw or numb.

In reply to Where I am presently, posted by Clearskies on August 27, 2017, at 23:32:00

>And how are you, my friends?

>CS

What I thought was the onset of an depressive episode with GAD-like symptoms relented, thank god. After good times, when the pain arrives, I'm still startled and afraid. I've become hypervigilant to changes in my mood. Season changes are tricky. When the days shorten, I mourn the light, which is a little silly because this is largely habitual. I have a lightbox.

That said, I'm feeling ok which is amazing! There is the ongoing fatigue and fibromyalgia. Swimming and sunshine help. My medications are working and stable, so the angst level is down low, except when I think about the news. When I can, I take long vacations from current events. Any apocalypse will go on with or without me.

I'm glad babble is back, but I miss many of the old timers. Like you (CS), but maybe to a lesser degree, I'm lonely. Who knows about hell and back irl and can talk about it?

In reply to Re: Where I am presently » Clearskies, posted by beckett2 on August 29, 2017, at 17:34:22

Don't mean to hijack thread, but my "start new thread" button doesn't seem to be working. Scott - could you move this to a new thread?

Anyway, volunteering. People always say, when someone is lonely and at loose ends - do volunteer work! Find something you're passionate about and you will meet like-minded people!

Several years ago, before I discovered 12-step programs, I went on a quest to find volunteer work. Now, admittedly, I live in a big city with tons of highly educated retirees as well as tons of college students. It's might be different in other places. But I couldn't find anything to do. Non-profits were inundated with volunteers. One place brought me on and I found that they had literally nothing for me to do because they had too many volunteers. I tried community health and mental health services and, like Alex said, found that all the volunteers were pre-med students trying to put some kind of health care experience on their med school applications. Legal aid? Tons of retired lawyers and law school students looking for experience. Working in schools? Tons of education students and retired teachers.

I applied to volunteer for this organization that provides care for homeless children and was rejected because of a shop-lifting arrest (and no conviction!) 35 years before.

I did find that meetup.com can be a good way to meet people and do things you enjoy. Not much for volunteering though.

In reply to Volunteering, posted by baseball55 on August 29, 2017, at 18:52:38

meetup.com... i found many things such as religious orginaizations and some others to talk about spirituality, yea build up the meetup.com profile, they have alot of things to choose from, groups, i found it a few years ago on the net

volunteering makes me feel like your part of a cause and a movement, I've been wanting to do hurricane harvey work, its just school and schedule around it

In reply to Where I am presently, posted by Clearskies on August 27, 2017, at 23:32:00

i'm in school and seeing my girlfriend alot, there's alot things that I ruminate about, my future and what happened in the past. I write alot, and do pintrest, on facebook alot and see people from the past i knew and ruminate about past times.....i know each night i can become someone new, i keep telling myself that so my subconscious will respond and begin to change. Its difficult because it's like i'm a new person, trauma happened, but it helped for the better. I see thing differently now. But, in free time, i enjoy reading the news, and whats going on in the world. Social media made news much more accessible, and direct, but you gotta learn how to weed out fake news and biased articles. I do pintrest because i can project feelings through pictures, its really a cool thing. Career wise, i'm still on a 2 way path, i'm studying for information security, or cyber career, yet i still have an intrest in news and writing artciles. I wrote for the newspaper for a year, wrote about 10-12 articles, yet i still want to continue that. I realized when i was on deadline to write an article, i would get so hyped up that all this anxiety would keep the article from being structured, made errors, but most of them were published. I liked that experience of going out and reporting and interviewing people on events. Cyber career is good, if i learn it and get it down i can do it. Still on a 2 way path on which to choose. Taking 3 classes right now, intormation tech security, federal goverment, server class. depression always there, and have to fight it everyday. Hopefully things will work out for better

In reply to Volunteering, posted by baseball55 on August 29, 2017, at 18:52:38

> Don't mean to hijack thread, but my "start new thread" button doesn't seem to be working. Scott - could you move this to a new thread?> > Anyway, volunteering. People always say, when someone is lonely and at loose ends - do volunteer work! Find something you're passionate about and you will meet like-minded people!> > Several years ago, before I discovered 12-step programs, I went on a quest to find volunteer work. Now, admittedly, I live in a big city with tons of highly educated retirees as well as tons of college students. It's might be different in other places. But I couldn't find anything to do. Non-profits were inundated with volunteers. One place brought me on and I found that they had literally nothing for me to do because they had too many volunteers. I tried community health and mental health services and, like Alex said, found that all the volunteers were pre-med students trying to put some kind of health care experience on their med school applications. Legal aid? Tons of retired lawyers and law school students looking for experience. Working in schools? Tons of education students and retired teachers. > > I applied to volunteer for this organization that provides care for homeless children and was rejected because of a shop-lifting arrest (and no conviction!) 35 years before. > > I did find that meetup.com can be a good way to meet people and do things you enjoy. Not much for volunteering though.

This summer, we looked (me and my kid) for volunteering opportunities. All desirable (and even less so) were filled and waitlisted. Especially animal care or rescue, our first choice.

Right now I'm looking for volunteer opportunities in something that interests me. Mental health, shelters. Then there's thoughts of reentering the workforce in some capacity, which is dicey as I am a nervous person and unemployed for 12 years. Online tutoring or content writing. My confidence is basement level :(

There was a meetup I loved that got me out of the house. It eventually dissolved.

In reply to Volunteering, posted by baseball55 on August 29, 2017, at 18:52:38

In New York, there's an umbrella organization that has lots of volunteering opportunities, and I've found that you actually can do them-- that is, they need volunteers of good will and good standing-- I don't think a shoplifting arrest without conviction 35 years ago would be disqualifying-- and don't ask for a cv and interview etc-- it was a refreshing change from my prior efforts to find volunteer work.

There are food kitchens, pantries, libraries that need help sorting or shelving, etc, conversation with those who need help speaking English or reading with young kids, going to "senior" (a concept that in my mind needs to be retired, so to speak) centers and doing activities with older people.

I finally ended up tutoring for the SAT with high school students who couldn't afford to take the usual Kaplan courses. I can't say I made new friends, although I did meet some cool people-- but then I'm not good at making friends until I spend a lot of time with people, I guess-- That particular project required a fair amount of work, but it was enjoyable and sort of stimulating. (I may do it again, but am not sure.)

I wonder if there's anything like that in Boston. The organization was called New York Cares.

In reply to Re: Volunteering, posted by pontormo on September 2, 2017, at 10:51:41

That's great to hear. Boston does have something similar. But I still found that most places were inundated with volunteers. But Boston has 10's of thousands of students in a population of just 3m (metro area). Also has the highest rate of people with college degrees of any state in the US, so most retirees are educated and want to volunteer. I did teach a GED class at a homeless shelter for women once. But it was exhausting and I didn't do it a second time.