Why We Need To Stop Talking About Porn And Sex Addiction

Condemning porn and sex shames men ill-trained to create meaningful relationships as it prevents emotional growth.

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Let’s have the conversation we really need to have about porn and sex.

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The terms sex addiction and porn addiction work great in titles. They are hot topics. People have such passionate views about them that they make great clickbait. These easily-recognized “enemies”, sex and porn, come pre-loaded with lots of shame and judgment. With those kinds of attributes, it is easy to start the “sex and porn are bad” bandwagon rolling. Tapping into the fear, shame and stigma around sex and porn allows the behavior to be framed as the reasons people, mostly men, are unable to have meaningful, connected relationships.

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…our society does a horrendous job teaching men about emotions and vulnerability. These are the foundations of emotionally intimate relationships.

What it also does is allow us to ignore the real issue, which is the fact our society does a horrendous job teaching men about emotions and vulnerability. These are the foundations of emotionally intimate relationships, and they are not, pardon the pun, as sexy of a topic as sex or porn. Emotions and vulnerability do not have a clearly defined and associated target such as ending porn or stopping sex, which means educating men on vulnerability isn’t as easy a treatment to sell.

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Making the focus on porn and sex instead of emotions has allowed many people to earn a great deal of money by leveraging the shame surrounding both sex and addiction. Selling vulnerability and connection isn’t nearly as easy. There have been some great articles recently about men who have set aside porn or changed their perspectives about sex and have found how powerful deeply connected, emotionally intimate relationships can be. Many of those men in the articles make the claim their problems stemmed from porn or sex addiction. They say these activities prevented them from having emotionally connected relationships. But they have it backwards.

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Porn and sex became the coping mechanisms and substitutes turned to because these men never learned how to be vulnerable…

These so-called addictions didn’t cause the problem. Porn and sex became the coping mechanisms and substitutes turned to because these men never learned to how to be vulnerable, how to handle their emotions or how to have truly connected relationships.

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I refer to the heavy use of sex and porn as a so-calledaddiction because that’s what it is. People use the term addiction, but the reality is sex addiction and porn addiction are not actual, formal mental health diagnoses. In fact, they were intentionally not included in the latest version of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders.

…no reliable research currently exists to support either of these habits as additions…

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Omitted for a variety of reasons, including the fact no reliable research currently exists to support either of these habits as addictions, some of the most recent research indicates what happens when the brain is exposed to sex or porn is nothing we’d expect to see for an addiction.

It might seem like labeling a behavior an addiction doesn’t matter. We toss the term “addiction” around in everyday language all the time. But addiction is a very specific term. It has implications for both how we judge the person using and how we approach dealing with the issue.

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Shifting the way we identify the issue shifts the focus from the actual issue.

Compulsions and addictions are identified and treated differently by the mental health community for a reason. Shifting the way we identify the issue shifts the focus from the actual issue. For example, we know that many people emotionally eat. When their emotions feel too big, or out of control, they eat to distract themselves and suppress those feelings. We don’t label that as food addiction. If we did, we would be focused on trying to eliminate food. Instead, we label it as emotional eating, which puts the focus on emotions. We don’t tell people to just stop eating. We help them learn the tools that change the nature of their relationship to food.

Real connection comes from vulnerability. It means dropping our defenses and letting others see our authentic selves. It means accepting all of the emotions, like fear and anxiety, so we can access love, joy and happiness. Unfortunately, vulnerability is seen as a weakness in our society, something that is not okay. Teaching men to connect also means teaching them it is okay to have emotions. There is nothing strong about shoving down or denying emotions, but it is so healthy to realize emotions are part of who we are. In addition to helping build our relationships, our emotions help us to make better, more informed decisions.

A partner’s emotions are not attacks.

We need men to know it is not only okay to have emotions, but it is also okay for their partner to have emotions. A partner’s emotions are not attacks. It not necessary to avoid causing emotions in a partner. And it is definitely not anyone’s job to manage another person’s emotions.

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All of these progressive initiatives go directly against what men are taught in our society. We tell them if you are vulnerable, you are weak. We tell them emotions should be denied, ignored and suppressed, except of course, for anger or happiness. If you can’t do that, you are weak. We tell them if they cause negative emotions in another person, they aren’t a nice person. We teach men everything that is the opposite of what creates healthy, connected relationships.

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Shame is never the answer to creating meaningful change.

Without the right tools and understanding, many find other ways of coping since they do not have the level of connected relationships we all desire. In turn we act shocked and shame them. We refuse to acknowledge the real issue and turn to pick the easy targets of sex and porn. Shame is never the answer to creating meaningful change. It is time we stopped using the shame associated with sex, porn and addiction to pile more shame onto men who are ill-trained to accomplish what we want of them. Stopping use of the terms “sex addiction” and “porn addiction” is a good first step.

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Let’s fight the hard battles and make meaningful changes that impact all facets of human interaction and connection.

Let’s make the conversation about the real issue—how our society has failed men around the

issues of emotions, vulnerability and intimacy. Let’s fight the hard battles and make meaningfulchanges that impact all facets of human interaction and connection.

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If you are struggling with sex and porn use please watch The Power of Vulnerabilityand Listening to Shame by Brené Brown. Her TED Talks have helped other men to open up and accept themselves as the vulnerable, feeling and genuine beings they are. Wouldn’t it be fulfilling if you felt that way about yourself, too?

About Jay Blevins

Jay Blevins, LMFT, is a licensed systems therapist with a private practice in Madison, WI. While he works with individuals and partners around a wide variety of issues, his primary focus is on alternative relationship structures, alternative sex and sexuality, and power dynamics. He is a contributor to various relationship and sexuality blogs and publications and has been a frequent presenter at alternative lifestyle events and psychotherapy conferences.

Jay, I sense from the way you wrote this piece that you are framing this discussion as if ‘sex’ and ‘porn’ are the same things and the issues (emotional) or otherwise that men struggle with regarding them are the same. I’m not sure that the issues men have with sex are always the same they have with porn. When you say ‘society does a horrendous job teaching men about emotions and vulnerability”, can you clarify what makes up society? Women? Men? Media? And if these are the components of society you are referring to, then we may need to dive… Read more »

Erin, I don’t think sex and porn are the same thing. They are, however, both related to sex, something that has a great deal of shame surrounding it. We are a sex negative culture. If you haven’t seen it, watch John Oliver’s recent piece on sex education in the US. You may disagree about addiction but I’m telling you this as a mental health professional. There is no official diagnosis of sex or porn addiction. There are some behavioral addictions, like gambling, but as I stated, the professionally accepted diagnosing tool, the DSM, actively did not include them as diagnoses… Read more »

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Erin

2 years 1 month ago

Jay, oh I totally know we have a sex negative culture. This, I never disputed. I believe porn, and the dominance of heterosexual-male normative fantasy that seems to drive a lot of our culture from x-rated movies to mainstream movies that both boys and girls and men and women absorb, is deeply rooted to our sex-negative culture. Sometimes it seems like the only ‘right’ fantasy is the heterosexual male fantasy. (50 Shades of Grey does not make-up for the male dominate tone of our culture.) I don’t think most regular people (non-mental health professionals) dealing with these issues every day… Read more »

Erin, You made my point. Why shut down the conversation by leading with “porn” or “sex” when the real, underlying issue is lack of real connection and investment in your relationship. It is counter productive to focus on porn and sex. At a simple level it is like treating the fever and not the infection. It is more complicated because of what you noted – the shame means it can’t even be easily discussed. So choose a different route! I agree that it is hard to make yourself vulnerable in that situation. That is when you have to ask the… Read more »

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Erin

2 years 23 days ago

I don’t really agree with you Jay but I have to ask: So what do you lead with? it’s not like men are open to talking about their emotions in general. When you experience these issues in a relationship how do you start a conversation about it? You got me so confused about what I can and can’t say to men that I feel like I can’t say I have no idea what I’m suppose to do. And what responsibility do men have in all this anyway? You keep talking about this issue like it’s all society’s fault and men… Read more »

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Mark Greene

2 years 1 month ago

A great article, Jay. Really terrific. Granting men permission to step away from our culture’s emphasis on emotional stoicism is huge. I’m only sorry to see how quickly the comments here have been derailed, making your case that hot button topics are what compell people, not the deeper issues of emotional vulnerability and connection. We’ll just have to change that, won’t we? Yes, we will.

Mark, again, thank you. I hope it does change. If enough of us lend our voices I believe it will.

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John Anderson

2 years 1 month ago

The problem is that many people can’t compartmentalize. They seize on the big topic or the “sexiest” topic and leave the rest. The conversations aren’t nuanced. I tried to compartmentalize in my first comment. There is a difference between being able to form relationships, being able to form non-romantic relationships with women, and being able to form romantic relationships with women. Porn use may impact the last one, but is that even the most important one?

John, I would suggest that there are difference and at the same time they are very similar. But then I’m a therapist and tend to see multiple perspectives. I think intimate relationships are more obviously and directly impacted when porn and sex are used as proxies for emotionally intimate relationships. However, I also believe that impacts platonic relationships. I think it is partially what drives the question of whether men and woman can be “just friends.” If there is no other way to connect except through sex, what is left for a friendship? When you learn emotional connection it opens… Read more »

I congratulate you on your great marketing skills. You’ve used the very issue ”we shouldn’t have talked about’ to draw attention to basic values, which are not sexy.
Very smart and realistically, this is the only way to do that. Values are just not sexy.

I’ve been struggling with this very issue for years now because I grew up with the immense shame heaped upon my by my family and community over porn and sex. I’m glad to say that I have made considerable progress (with help from works by Brené Brown), but I still have a lot to work through.

Thank you. I’m happy you have a path to being a happier, authentic you.

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Jules

2 years 1 month ago

“…..which is the fact our society does a horrendous job teaching men about emotions and vulnerability. These are the foundations of emotionally intimate relationships,” While this might be true, are not men seeking an emotionally intimate relationship viewed as nice guys? As such, these men are typically relegated to the back burner by a lot of women. You know if you want to be good at a thing, it requires practice. How much practice do young men get a being emotional beings? A lot of this has to do with the man box. Today, our culture is very hostile to… Read more »

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Sarah

2 years 1 month ago

The probelm with “nice guys” doesn’t have anything to do with being emotionally available. Just speaking really generally here, the problem with the typical “nice guy” who “never gets the girl” is that he passively hangs around women thinking that if he is super helpful and accommodating and constantly present, she will suddenly get sexually turned on. But he never does anything to express himself as a sexual and emotional man to her. He becomes more like a mascot. In a way, “nice guys” are just as emotionally unavailable as the typical macho man. You never know what a “nice… Read more »

Jules, I don’t believe the “nice guy” issue isn’t about men being emotionally available. I completely agree that young boys don’t have an opportunity to practice being emotional beings. That’s exactly my point. Let’s focus on that problem and teach boys and men how to emotionally connected relationships instead of say the problem is porn or sex addiction.

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Silke

2 years 1 month ago

Jay,you write “let’s make the conversation about the real issue”. You do not have to have problems with addiction to see the porn we have on the internet today as something that is not good for you. You see other problems as more important than all the problems around porn,and tell us not to see porn as the real issue. Well Jay, many of us manage to focus on several problems in our society at the same time. And personally I do not stay away from porn because I am afraid I will become addicted if I watch it .… Read more »

Silke, my article was not intended to talk about whether porn is good or bad. I acknowledge that some people use porn in was that aren’t helpful. However I do believe that calling porn use an “addiction” is not only incorrect, it is counter-productive. I also believe that what people call porn addiction is a symptom, not a cause. It is like blaming the fever instead of the infection. And, some people watch porn because they are curious or excited by it. Kids do many taboo things that they shouldn’t. But they don’t do it because they are addicted. I… Read more »

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Frank

2 years 1 month ago

You might want to read up on the subject before posting this dribble. Looking at porn on the internet and masturbating to it from time to time is probably normal. Or at least common enough that it shouldn’t be judged. However, to say that sex addiction and porn addiction don’t exist is ludicrous. It’s in the same basic category as gambling addiction. When it starts to take over your life and cause you to stop doing the things that you need to be doing, that’s a problem. When you keep doing it because you can’t help yourself, even as you… Read more »

Frank, I have done research into the topic. I have a master’s degree and am a licensed therapist. Even without that, all I need to do is look in the DSM V and see that while there are behavioral addictions like gambling addiction, sex and porn addiction do not exist. They are not recognized diagnoses. You offer a definition of addiction that is not the definition used by mental health professionals.

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Frank

2 years 1 month ago

I think you’re confused here. The existence or lack thereof of a diagnosis in the DSM hardly defines whether or not there’s a disorder going on. The reason why you don’t see a specific diagnosis for sex and porn addiction like you do for gambling addiction is politicial. And quite frankly a kindness to the patients. Once you get a diagnosis of any sort it’s in your record forever. People understand that gambling addiction exists and while there is a stigma attached to it, it’s not as big as being addicted to porn or sex. Also, there’s always this dynamic… Read more »

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Mark Greene

2 years 1 month ago

Dribble? Jay’s ideas are based in respected and innovative thinking in Marriage and Family Therapy. A school of therapy that resists the mad rush to pathologize behaviors and instead locates them in the family and relational contexts where they rightly belong.

Jay
I do not live in the U.S.
Do you have an understanding of why some men join movements like MGTOW?

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John Anderson

2 years 1 month ago

I get what you’re saying especially about vulnerability. A guy might not even ask a woman out because that opens him to rejection. I also agree that men have difficulty forming emotionally deep relationships, but that includes friendships with other men. I’m not quite sure where the porn and sex part come in. Part of the reason that porn use was vilified was because of masturbation. Men were derogatorily called jerk offs because they couldn’t get a woman so had to do it themselves. With the backdrop that a man should be able to get a woman and someone who… Read more »

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tashina

2 years 1 month ago

who are you to say what the issue is. It takes 4 to 10 women to equal the word of one man. So thanks for invalidating women to the max!!!!!! men are taught to be emotional beings, you can show anger anytime you want, and to be dominant. Great Job, porn teaches that to. What is the meaning of sex object, does porn teach that. Why yes it does. porn teaches men to devalue women in great and wonderful ways, why heck , so long as we teach men to be different emotional beings and express different emotions men will… Read more »

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Sarah

2 years 1 month ago

Paragraph breaks in your comments make them easier to read. Just a suggestion for next time.

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John Anderson

2 years 1 month ago

@ tashina I tried following your post, but kind of got lost in the rant. I’ll try to address what I got out of it. 1. You might be surprised, but the average size of a porn actress breast is a B-cup. It’s not so much the breast size, but that they’re slender. in main stream porn I do prefer women in the D cup range, but my current crush is in the B cup range. It’s more the difference in the chest / waist than a set size. 2. I can’t speak for the current generation, but my sexual… Read more »

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Brandon

2 years 1 month ago

There are so many logic fallacies in this comment is it IN.SANE! Seriously you came off as a petulant child that has a beef with pornography, it was actually laughable in some places. Infuriating in others. Porn never has and does not teach any of the asinine things you list, it plays off of pre-existing sexual fantasies. What a joke of a comment.

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Jules

2 years 1 month ago

@ Brandon, “……..pre-existing sexual fantasies.” I scoff at the notion… We all sexual have fantasies. I think this is quite normal and healthy. Porn is NOT entirely a play on these fantasies… In my fantasy world, my women is thrilled and enjoys great sexual pleasure(s). She is treated respectfully and in a humane manner. There is love and passion…We both surrender to each other.. It might be a job for most of these women. But, do you really think MOST like this sort of thing? Yes, I am sure there are many porn actresses who do love their work. But,… Read more »

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Silke

2 years 1 month ago

Brandon
Here it you seems to be the one that is naive and lacking in knowledge .d