Share This:

Depression & Forgiving Yourself

Sometimes we get so caught up in apologizing and forgiving others that we forget to forgive ourselves.

By Michael Rafferty

The season of Lent is upon us. Old-school Catholics will remember when Lent was all about giving things up, things they enjoy. (Giving up asparagus will only count if you do, if fact, like asparagus.) In my childhood, most of us gave up candy because, somehow, going without candy for 40 days helps us to understand the weeks that Jesus spent eating locusts in the desert.

A deeper understanding of Lent gives us an appreciation for it as a time of preparation for Easter, preparation that includes doing penance—that is, undergoing a hardship to merit forgiveness for our sins. When you are 9 years old, you haven’t lived long enough to commit very many serious sins, but the concept of forgiveness is valuable at any age.

My own Lenten focus is on forgiveness, but not for my own sins. No, I’m not seeking forgiveness. I’m bestowing it. Because it’s good for me.

Really, it is. In considering this subject, I Googled the word “forgiveness” and found dozens of studies on the physical and mental benefits of forgiving people who have hurt or offended you.

For example, you will reduce your risk of heart disease resulting from high blood pressure if you can let go of offenses. Forgiving someone is also associated with lower risk for anxiety and depression. At the very least, you will spend a lot less energy avoiding that person on the street or in an elevator.

(Just as most traffic accidents happen within 20 miles of home, most insults and injuries come from people you know and are bound to see again. If they are relatives, you might see them at the next wedding or family reunion, where you will have to be, you know, nice.

Forgiveness is entirely my decision and I am totally in control.

But wait! There’s more! There is my own research to report, based upon a long-term study of one 50-something, Irish-American male and his experience with depression. Frankly, this may be the best news of all. Here it is: Unlike most other things that are “good for you,” forgiveness actually feels good.

The biochemical, environmental and genetic factors that conspire to send me into a depression sometimes seem as random as the weather. For me, successfully coping with depression always comes down to pushing back against this randomness by increasing my sense of control. Antidepressants, therapy, exercise, diet, religion—they all meet this criterion. And so does forgiveness.

I’m not saying that I don’t take offense, that I don’t get angry in response to an insult. I am not talking about turning the other cheek and singing “Kumbaya.” The act of forgiveness almost always takes time, an opportunity for the hurt to subside. Also, there are a couple of people whom I may never forgive. (There’s still time, though, so who knows?)

You might be thinking that this forgiveness business should be a two-way street, that the offending party should apologize for or, at the very least, acknowledge his or her transgression. You’re wrong. For one thing, I don’t want to give someone the first move. For another, that person probably won’t admit to having done anything to apologize for.

Yes, Dad, I’m talking about you.

A few years before he died, we had a big argument because my son, who was 5 years old at the time, was watching something on television and my father changed the channel. Words were exchanged. Jaws were clenched. Silence took over. The next morning, more words were exchanged.

We didn’t talk for more than a year. Then I learned that he was ill and unlikely to recover. The silence began to trouble me. I was the offended party—you can see that, right? —but I wasn’t going to get an apology. That was out of my control.

Then I had an epiphanal moment. It was Lent, in fact, and I was at Mass. When we got to the Lord’s Prayer (aka “Our Father”—how’s that for irony?), I actually choked up a bit at “forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.” Aha! I thought. A loophole!

Forgiveness, I realized, does not require the consent of the one being forgiven.

SoundOFF!

HEALTHY HABITS

Most of us don’t default to healthy habits. It takes planning and effort, and sometimes a surge of self-discipline, to eat right, exercise, get the sleep we need, and stay on top of work and life tasks. Establishing new habits, let alone purging bad ones, can require major effort, especially if we are also struggling with depression or anxiety. What are some good habits that you've formed and how did you build them?