Let's Big Happy

John Malkovich has revealed he once fancied himself as a vigilante on the mean streets of New York City. The movie star, who often plays quirky characters, portrays a retired tough guy in the RED films - and he admits the role brought back memories of the time he spent tackling criminals in the Big Apple when he was a struggling actor.
He admits he frequently became embroiled in arguments with petty street criminals and bullies, and he admits one particular incident almost turned deadly when someone questioned his fashion sense.
During an appearance on America's The Tonight Show With Jay Leno on Wednesday (10Jul13), he said, "I was at a restaurant and a mugger came by and grabbed someone's purse... A friend of mine... said to me, 'Did you see that? Let's go!' And so we finally ran this guy down into the park, but he'd had an associate and passed it off.
"(I also had an) altercation with a mugger that involved some harsh words and a butcher knife.
" I had on a very nice suit, he said a bunch of things to me on the street for no reason, which on reflection I wasn't so happy with, and then I went and changed clothes and picked up my utensil (and went out back looking for him) and asked him if he wanted to carry on the discourse. He declined and life went on."

He's already the self-proclaimed "Party King," but obviously that wasn't enough for Andrew W.K.
Starting on Wednesday, June 19 at 7 PM, W.K. will drum for 24 hours in an attempt to set the extremely specific "Longest Drum Session in a Retail Store" world record. As a part of Viacom's O Music Awards' Live Music Festival, an online music festival featuring more than 50 artists from various musical backgrounds, W.K. will drum continuously from Time Square's Oakley flagship store. The party god is following in the footsteps of previous O record setters, including The Flaming Lips, who claim bragging rights for the most multi-city shows played in 24 hours (eight), and Chiddy Bang, who set the record for the longest freestyle rap (9 hour, 16 minutes, and 22 seconds).
Not without moral support, W.K. will be joined by several guest drummers in his attempt, beginning with Roots drummer and frontman, Questlove. In an interview with The Hollywood Reporter, W.K. reveals, "Some of these I would consider the greatest drummers in the world. People that I've admired for years and years."
So why is W.K. going through with this after telling MTV he is "completely mortified and horrified by the ramifications of this challenge"? Maybe he's just trying to stay Fresh+Sexy.
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Now I'm the one feeling like I don't know where I am. Wow. Now that is how you finale a beloved television show about to come upon its 50th anniversary. Steven Moffat, I knew you'd pull through with the finale of Doctor Who, but that ending? I am positively walloped. And could not possibly be more annoyed that November 23, 2013 is so far away.
At long last, season seven's finale episode "The Name of the Doctor" answered some of the major questions fans faced this season. And yet, so many more were raised. But rather than being frustrating (as certain fans across the Interwebs have felt this year), the whole thing was truly (to steal a phrase from Nine) fantastic. "The Name of the Doctor" is far and away the standout episode of season seven. You went and saved the best for last, didn't you, Doctor?
First of all: I told you! I told you, I told you, I told you: always have faith in Steven Moffat, you guys. Always. This man has been planning this storyline since — very likely — the beginning of his tenure on Who. Naysayers worried about classic Who are welcome to shut the s**t up from now on.
And then, of course, there's our Impossible Girl. Turns out Clara was born to save the Doctor (which makes sense, considering how often she's saved the day in her episodes) in his every iteration. A theory so simple, it was perfect and ensured the human aspect of the Doctor's travels remained intact. The episode opened with a bang: Clara, falling through the Doctor's timeline, splintering off into an infinite number of pieces to ensure any life-ending decisions were avoided. We are zoomed through Clara's many lives: from Gallifrey (how cool was that, by the by?), to the earth, the TARDIS, and beyond: she may have never known him and he may have never known her, but she always did her duty. She blew into our world on a leaf (the leaf is back!). But: where did that leaf come from? Wasn't it destroyed by Grandfather in "The Rings of Ahkaten"? What makes this leaf so special? As is often the case on this show, by merely answering one question you create several others. But since we know Clara's back for the 50th anniversary special, we're hopeful that those others will get their explanation in due time.
The other important woman in the Doctor's life — River Song (played by the delightful Alex Kingston) — has finally made her return. But this is not just any River Song: Professor Song is coming to us straight from The Library! (And those of you who have been reading along since I began recapping Who know that I'm a total nutter for "The Library"). And in this instance of River, we saw a return to form — less snarky, super cheeky, holding secrets, but still full of the vim and verve we expect from the Doctor's wife (well, the one that isn't the TARDIS, natch).
The episode really began when River and Clara were summoned by Vastra and Jenny, (alongside Strax — love anytime the Paternoster Gang gets together) to a dream-state conference call. The Doctor is in trouble, and the Whisper Men have arrived. Vastra assumed that River Song and Clara had not yet met, but (at least to me) it seemed fairly obvious that River has 100% met Clara before (spoilers, sweetie!), especially considering her statement at the end that their mental link was still alive and well. That, naturally, didn't stop her "goodbye" from being one of the most heartfelt and lovely of the series, even if I still don't understand how the Doctor could see her but no one else could. Many a Whovian had some rain on their face at that point.
Let's talk about those creepy Whisper Men, though, eh? Our merry, motely crew were stolen up by the truly unsettling new baddies and brought to Trenzalore: the burial place of the Doctor. Moffat has done gangbusters to create what I'm considering to be an extension of the Great Intelligence — or at least the henchmen that do its bidding. And what made them so unsettling? The fact that they were nothing at all: merely hollow, whitewashed shells in a humanoid shape, with some seriously killer dagger teeth. While they didn't do much outside of get manipulated into the image of Dr. Walter Simeon when needed, something tells us their power is quite impressive. There's still much to learn about these creepy, creepy dudes.
And then the time came: the name of the Doctor, the key to opening his grave. Some of the more cynical fans out there were worried that the lore and magic of the series would end the moment the Doctor's name was revealed, but in a stroke of ingenuity, it turns out to be Echo River that says it. And all without us hearing a peep! Good.
Returning to our Impossible Clara, her journey through time encapsulated thousands of lifetimes. River Song's echo tried to convince her otherwise — telling her she would die, claiming that it wouldn't be her saving the Doctor, just copies of her — but Clara knows that a copy is enough — after all, "The soufflé isn't the soufflé: the soufflé is the recipe." Clara is a recipe crafted to be perfect. The Doctor's perfect companion: a soufflé made just for him.
And those last four minutes (a.k.a. the reason your almighty recapper didn't have her review finished until after the episode aired, as they were removed from press screeners)? Wow. Doctors dashing to and fro, a confused Clara caught in their midsts, that damn leaf, and: John Hurt... the Doctor?! S**t, you guys. You guys! Here I thought this show had gone as dark and devious as it could, but now we have two Doctors at once — and this dude seems hardly the good cop to Eleven's bad cop. Cue the ominous and vague: Hurt's Doctor "what he did without choice" in the name of "peace and sanity," but not in the name of the Doctor. So he is, but he isn't? TWIST, y'all.
50th Theories (a.k.a. My Favorite Part)
So, we know that John Hurt is the Doctor in another iteration. As I've thought for a few episodes now, I still believe him to be the Valeyard. Why? Well, because he was mentioned in this episode (by Dr. Gideon) when he mentioned the three iterations of the Doctor — The Storm, The Beast, and The Valeyard — and there have been allusions to him all season: including talk of a "mad man" who created the laws of physics during "The Rings of Ahkaten," (The Valeyard would've, essentially by existing, created his own alternate timeline and universe — often known as the Dark Matrix), and Madame Vastra's talk of killing Jack the Ripper — an alias assumed by the Valeyard — in "A Good Man Goes to War."
So that would mean we still have The Beast and The Storm to deal with. We have heard mention of the Doctor being known as "The Oncoming Storm" (and Alfie Owens fancied himself Stormageddon as you might recall from "Closing Time" — P.S. I'm convinced these two are coming back thanks to James Corden a.k.a. Craig Owens — mayhaps he be someone to help the Doctor in the 50th?), and we know that David Tennant is coming back (though as 10 or 10.5 we can't be sure) — but that could make him The Beast.
There's a big gash that we saw in "Nightmare in Silver," between Ten and Eleven is probably exactly where John Hurt's character is situated. True, in the history of Who, they explain that he is created "sometime between the twelfth and thirteenth iterations" — but, if he happened between Ten and Eleven, that would make him eleven, Matt Smith is then bumped up to Twelve, and in turn still hold up the idea that the Valeyard was created after the twelfth regeneration. But then it would be HIS fall, (the Valeyard/John Hurt/whatever his name is) that ends the Silence and the myth.
Another interesting coincidence is from the episode of "The Crimson Horror" we saw two weeks ago. There, we encountered Mr. Sweet, a creepy-crawly parasitic entity that was never named (but Vastra knew well) and had some mind control over Ms. Gillyflower. What if Mr. Sweet was actually an Es'Cartrss of the Tactires (a cranial parasite from Callufrax Minor)? Interesting to note is that the Es'Cartrss actually called itself the Valeyard and in a comic called "The Forgotten," he battled Ten. Chances are slight, obviously, but it certainly is interesting.
Either way, there is so much good coming our way. I just wish I had a TARDIS that could take me to November 23 right now.
For those of us dying for even a taste of what's to come will be happy to see two fan favorite Doctors together at last in this special behind-the-scenes video from the 50th of Ten and Eleven (a.k.a David Tennant and Matt Smith) talking shop:
Other Stuff:- OBSESSED WITH: The visible seething River Song attempted to hide when Clara said she never "realized Professor Song was a woman."- If this is the end of River Song (or at least, her end in her time — but not necessarily the last time the Doctor sees her?), that kiss and goodbye were lovely, but I still don't understand how he was able to see her if Vastra/Strax/Jenny couldn't!- Loved when Clara said to the first Doctor as to which TARDIS to steal: "The navigation's knackered, but you'll have much more fun." Ooh, has every journey in the Doctor's life been pre-destined thanks to Clara, to bring him to the point in the 50th?- What's up with the Doctor's seemingly special interest in Jenny? First the kiss in "The Crimson Horror," and then when he only said hello to her in tonight's episode: what's the deal there?- Also: does anyone else think that maybe River Song has something to do with Clara's actual creation? I mean, I have a feeling it also has something to do with UNIT (she was wearing the UNIT necklace during earlier episodes), but I can't help but feel like there's a possibility that the remnants of River's echo iteration is what ends up on that leaf.- The crack in the TARDIS window: looks a heck of a lot like the crack in Amy's bedroom wall and the general crack in time, eh? - I'm glad that it was River who said the Doctor's name. But no one really thought we'd find out his name, right? - On the discovery that the dead Doctor is merely a tunnel of time travel scar tissue, states: "What were you expecting, a body? Bodies are boring, I've had loads of them."- At one point, we hear the Whisper Men say "the trap will be set" when his friends travel to "where the Doctor ends." Was this all just a trap?? [Time] Lord, sometimes I wish he didn't lie so much.- "He's the one who broke the promise." Ooh girl, what's that promise? - Do you think that the Doctor saw the Valeyard in his room in the hotel of "The God Complex"? Because I'm betting so!
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This week’s edition of Leanne’s Spoiler List features five fanstastic shows that will make you giggle with excitement and gasp from all the amazing moments that will soon flood your TV screens. Let's get right into it and talk some trash about the season finales of Arrow and Psych, a great guest spot on The Middle, the premiere of Baby Daddy, and everyone's favorite serial killer drama Hannibal (well, at least until The Following comes back).
1. Arrow: Holy S**tballs!
This season on Arrow it's been one crazy roller coaster ride of awesomeness, and when the finale airs tonight be prepared to for your jaw to hit the floor and your heart to skip a beat. Star Stephen Amell — a.k.a. the world’s most wonderful human — promised me that we’re going to get a lot of character shifts in tonight’s episode, entitled “Sacrifice.”
“The neat thing about the finale is that so much of this season has just been with people with facades,” Amell explains. “Towards the last two episodes, all of those just melt away because danger is so perilously close. We get to see characters interacting in a way that they haven’t all season.”
Emily Bett Rickards, the amazing girl behind Team Arrow's IT expert Felicity Smoak, promises tonight’s hour is going to be even more action-packed than what we've seen so far... and who would have thought that was even possible? "It’s bigger than you can imagine. I don’t think I breathed [while] reading the script,"Rickards says with a smile. "There is so much going on...It’s exhausting. I hope you all sleep well after watching it." Nope. We’ll be too busy tweeting about it!
Rickards has been promoted to series regular for Season 2, so what can we expect to see from Felicity next year? "I expect to learn more about her outside lair life," Rickards predicts. "I think as a regular you have to see more of her as opposed to just being in the lair. She probably doesn’t leave the computer too often, but maybe she’s working out now, maybe she’s going on a few runs in her free time. She’s got to stay fit somehow!"
I’m currently doing a happy dance right now — and you should be too! Why? Well the fact that Rickards is coming back next season means that she survives tonight’s finale! Unfortunately, one character will not be so lucky. I know for a fact that one of our beloved Starling City residents is going to die in tonight’s finale, and while I cannot tell you who it is, I can leave you with these vague and ominous words from Stephen Amell: “Really crazy stuff is happening and no one is ever safe.”
2.Psych: A Game-Changing Finale
Hmm… I’m sensing that you would like me to give you some Psych spoilers from the show's Season 7 finale. So here goes! In two weeks — that’d be May 29 for all those without a calendar or simple mathematical skills — Psych’s season finale, “No Trout About It,” will see a new case alter the series as we know it.
This episode has everything! Murder, intrigue, new characters, snow cones, a high-speed chase, Shawn’s dad hitting on some random lady, and a member of the Brat Pack! That’s right Weird Science fans, '80s star Anthony Michael Hall guest stars in the finale as Harris Trout, an impeccably dressed yet extremely eccentric police consultant who is recruited by the mayor to help make the SBPD run more efficiently.
Believe me when I say this is one extremely odd fella — and that’s saying a lot since we’re talking about Psych, the leader in quirky TV characters. Fun fact: Hall’s appearance on the comedy makes him the the fourth member of the big screen’s “Brat Pack” to appear on Psych, following in the footsteps of Molly Ringwald, Ally Sheedy, and Judd Nelson. Aww! All we need is Emilio Estevez and we’ll have the entire Breakfast Club as Psych alums!
Anyway, back to the episode. Shawn and Gus are called in to investigate a very special case involving the murder of a man who isn’t even dead yet. The victim has actually been poisoned and he comes to our dynamic duo for help on finding his killer — but of course things are not always what they seem and there are plenty of twists and turns along the way. I’ll leave you with this little nugget: This season ends on a huger than huge cliffhanger and the entire premise of the series could forever be changed. Dun dun duuuun!
3.Baby Daddy: A Change of Heart
Confession: I think ABC Family's Baby Daddy is hilarious. It’s quick-paced, filled with fun yet relatable characters, and features a baby that doesn’t talk (Lily from Modern Family is my nightmare).
Here’s what you can get excited for in Season 2 – which premieres Wednesday, May 29 bee tee dubs: Ben is kinda, sorta, totally into Riley, Riley is still super into Ben, Danny is dating a Russian supermodel, and Tucker’s dance moves have never been better. Oh, and Bonnie uses Emma as baby bait to hit on a man — but what else is new?
Throughout the Season 2 premiere, Ben is desperately trying to prove to Riley that he’s not “that guy” but unfortunately actions speak louder than words. Let’s just say that by the end of the second episode, there’s not one but three guys vying for Riley’s heart.
Luckily I will be having lunch with the cast next week so feel free to hit me up on Twitter and I will pass along all of your burning Baby Daddy questions!
4. Hannibal: Fit For a Fiddle
Fannibals will find Thursday night’s newest installment of Hannibal to be music to their ears. The episode, titled "Fromage," is anything but cheesy. Now, cheese may be everyone’s favorite thing (I’d like to think that’s a scientific fact), but everything is far from gouda in the lives of Will and Hannibal (sorry about the lame cheese pun).
First up, sexual tension is mounting between Will and a certain potential paramour and many questions will be addressed. Will there finally be a lip-lock between these two? And if so, how will it affect their friendship? The whole thing will have certain folks jumping for joy while others will worry about the potential fallout.
But keep in mind that Will isn’t the only one with secret admirers — Hannibal has one as well! Food for thought: Murderpeople are quite curious with the way they exchange secret messages. This week’s serial killer is fascinatingly grotesque and focuses on the one thing we know Hannibal respects above all: the arts. Also, a character we've known since the pilot will be fall victim to music's sweet sound.
But don’t get so baroque-n up about it (now a bad music pun), because the developments that follow the not-so-shocking-but-also-yes-totally-shocking death will lead the bromantical relationship between Hannibal and Will down a different path. All the mind games and manipulation have reached a breaking point, and there’s no way all of this can be wrapped up neatly with a bow. At least Will’s seemingly deteriorating mental state will make sure of that. Oh, and bonus points if you can spot the reference to Buffalo Bill from Silence of the Lambs in this episode!
5.The Middle: Jack is Back!
When we bid adieu to 30 Rock earlier this year, it was a difficult time because I’ve absolutely adored seeing sweet-as-pie Kenneth on my TV screen each and every week. So you can imagine my excitement when I learned that Jack McBrayer would be guest starring on one of my favorite comedies: The Middle!
I had the extreme pleasure of chatting with McBrayer in anticipation of his hilarious role in tonight’s episode, “The Ditch,” and to answer your question: Yes, he is just as delightful as you would hope — and so is his new character. “I play dentist Dr. Goodman. He hires Frankie to work in his office and he’s kind of like a big man-child,” McBrayer says with a laugh.
Since McBrayer will be playing a dentist tonight, I made sure to ask him if he took and extra measures to make sure his chompers would be pearly white on camera. The actor exclaimed, “Why of course, Leanne! My teeth are like my bread and butter. They’re so big, so you can bet I made sure they were sparkling before I came to set.”
Just like Kenneth, Dr. Goodman is what we’d call a people-pleaser. McBrayer explains, “He’s not really one for confrontation so Frankie’s at times overbearing and mothering personality kind of pushes him over in the office.” Well, that’s a bit of an understatement! When Frankie alludes to a line full of people that she’s a doctor, she tries to keep up the charade and take charge of Dr. Goodman when one of the people she fibbed to shows up at the office. Yikes!
McBrayer’s character is very similar to his 30 Rock alter ego, meaning that he’s about as frightening as a basket full of kittens.Don’t believe me? Take a look at this clip from tonight’s episode to see his lack of ferocity for yourself!
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Who do you think will die on tonight’s Arrow finale? Excited to see Will get some action on Hannibal? Eager to see Jack McBrayer’s return to TV tonight on The Middle? Tell me everything in the comments below!
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It's been an uneven freshman year for new sitcom The Mindy Project. After a rocky start we've seen a few characters come and go, a string of Mindy Kaling's boyfriends get the axe, a bunch of truly memorable episodes (like Seth Rogen's visit or the company triathlon), and, of course, one haircut so awful it could have been made with a Flowbee. When the finale aired last night, I was so happy that there was another high point not only of Fox's Tuesday night lady-comedy block, but of the week in general. That is until the last few minutes of the episode where I was more disappointed than Mindy finding out there are no peanut M&amp;Ms in the vending machine.
I was pissed because it looked like Mindy and Danny were going to smooch. By the last scene, Mindy had won her man Casey back and planned to move to Haiti with him for a year. But then she had a touching moment in the doctor's lounge with her coworker and foil Danny (the impossibly dreamy Chris Messina) and he leaned in toward her for what looked like I kiss and I shouted out, "No!" at the television screen. They didn't kiss, but they had one of those conversations in soft tones that is supposed to make the audience think, "Maybe she should leave her boyfriend, the one who is impossibly handsome, giving, kind, funny, wonderful, and has a big penis, so that she can be with Dr. Danny."
Let's get this clear, writers and producers of The Mindy Project...No one wants Mindy and Danny to get together. Not one single person who watches this show regularly wants this to happen. None! This seemed like the intention as the show kicked off, but like so many things this year, it seemed to course correct in a different direction. They went from Sam and Diane on Cheers, adversaries whose chemistry crackled with sexual tension, to Jack and Liz on 30 Rock, friends who approached the world from different angles but learned from each other. They've grown so close in a Platonic way that when they went for what seemed like it might be a kiss it seemed like Danny was about to kiss his younger sister or was going to lay one on a baby goat, something that would make us squirm or maybe giggle, but nothing that was going to make the live studio audience let out a collective "Awwww."
Not every man and woman on a show need to get together. Sure, New Girl has fast-tracked the Jess and Nick romance so that they're sweetly bumping uglies at the end of Season 2, but The Mindy Project is not New Girl. Unlike its predecessor in the lineup, it is essentially a workplace comedy (which is why they ditched the dead weight of having Mindy's friends in the episodes) and people hooking up with their coworkers never ends well in real life and ends even worse on TV. So give it a rest with the Mindy and Danny hot and heavy action, will you? With all the improvements made this year, Season 2 is shaping up to be humdinger, as long as they don't mess it up with Mindy and Danny humming and dinging for each other.
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Death catches up to all of us, in the end. Every time, without fail, 100% of the time: in the battle of Life v. Death, Death wins. The task that's left is of the grin-and-bear it variety: die, but not without living first. Times are hard in Westeros these days, and it seems like nobody is getting what they want, because they're losing everything. Arya's lost Gendry, Sansa's lost her gay husband-to-be and a chance to escape, Joffrey's lost control, and Theon's lost all hope. It seems as though nearly everyone is fighting a losing battle — and Jaime isn't the only one in need of a hand. Oh, Game of Thrones, you tricky beast: you're going to try and dull our senses before you destroy them with senseless death and bloodshed, aren't you?
Sunday night's episode, "The Bear and Maiden Fair" was the seventh of the season — meaning, we're nearly finished. Only three episodes remain and the lionshare of shenanigans (in an already packed season) are rumored to take place amongst their final minutes. So for now? Bring on the sex!
By The Skin of Their... —If you were one of those people who lamented the last few episodes for not having nearly enough naked people in it, this week should've done you quite well. Robb and Talisa were the first two to get in on the action, having a quick romp in the tent before the admission that perhaps Robb's direwolf is going to have to rock a baby bassinet one of these days soon: surprise! That's right, Talisa's pregnant and Robb couldn't be more amped on it. A good, naked day for them all around. Clearly this means something terrible is going to happen to them both very soon.We pretty much only saw butts here, though. Butts butts butts — it's fun to say, isn't it? Royal butts abound!
Also gettin' a bit of skin is Theon — though obviously it's not going as bang-a-rang for him. Tonight's episode saw Theon still stuck in (at least as far as the show is concerned) gods-knows-where and being tortured by our mystery psychopath. And, OK, I have to ask: did Theon just lose his d**k? Because he looks like that's what was about to happen. Theon Greyjoy joins the castrati. Oh, I'll be so sad if Theon loses his junk, you guys, because that one's really just a loss for Westeros ginger-lovers everywhere. Talk about paying the iron price: guess that's why these cats aren't all into reaping. Really brings a whole new meaning to the house motto of "We Do Not Sow," if it's true, eh?
But seriously, the brutalization of Theon Greyjoy's been a tough one to watch — he's broken, and this is far ahead of his personal storyline as far as the book this season follows is concerned (book 3 of the George R.R. Martin series). And, given that it is largely un-documented on the page, this means what we saw was essentially the minds of our favorite demented and ruthless showrunners, David Benioff and D.B. Weiss. Which is why Theon's walk towards Castration Way felt extra brutal. He managed in his completely destroyed state to somehow get turned on by the ladies throwing themselves at him, giving him a bit of water, only to have it immediately destroyed. Something tells us blue balls are the least of Theon's problems, and it's only going to get worse.
Someone who isn't worrying about blue balls is Jon Snow, though. America's favorite bastard and his wilding lady Ygritte seem to have found a wedge in Orell, who is desperately trying to keep the two separate. But Orell's warging ways are no match for Jon Snow's oral abilities. Plus, those two crazy kids are just real cute together: her trying to sound like a lady, and him attempting to amp up his dirty-flirty banter that she loves so much. It's all rather precious. I hope — at least for Ygritte's sake — that Orell doesn't have a for-real-real, serious crush on her though, because that sounds like it could end in disaster for everyone involved.
Love, Loss, and What I Wore: The Story of Brienne of Tarth —Poor Brienne. She's done her duty and tried to stay honorable and look where it's gotten her: in a terrible dress, fighting a bear in a pit for a bunch of garbage trolls' enjoyment. Her and Jaime's budding friendship/mutual respect thing is so fascinating because it makes me feel something other than utter disgust for a cocky incest-and-attempted-child murderer knight. Mixed feelings, they are everywhere. But one thing is for certain: Brienne's dress from last week is still here and it is still the worst. It is the Pepto Bismol of dresses. If there is such a thing as dowdy and outdated in the Realm, this is it. Granted, the dress is now completely overshadowed by the bear claw gashes running down her neck, but still: that dress. The worst.
But let's all give a big round of applause to Bart the Bear who really gave us casual, terrifying animalistic realness tonight. Just don't clap too loud or else he might come and maul you to death. I bet he's a real sadistic type of bear: he probably lazily paws around with your foot or something after he does it. For the role, Bart! We mean for the role. We love you, Bart.
Maternal Instincts —The mommy gene was alive and well for many of the gals, not just pregnant Jeyne. Margaery Tyrell has continued to show not only a deft handle of politics, but also compassion and motherly will. In a relationship that could've quickly dissolved following last week's episode, Margaery stood by Sansa Stark in all her silly little teen girl naïveté. She thought that if she just got what she thought she wanted (coming to the Red Keep, getting betrothed to Joffrey) she'd finally be happy.
Oh, girl. Oh honey. This girl has so much learning to do. To which, Margaery remained persistant in her explanations: "women in our position, must make the best of our circumstances," she explained. Plus, Sansa girl: do you know what you're giving up right now? Tyrion may be a dwarf but he's handsome, far and away the nicest Lannister of the bunch, smart, and he loves to please them ladies. Sansa if you keep judging a dude's worth by his purse strings you're going to be majorly unhappy for all of your days. Focus on the good, and what you can do! Be more like Margaery and her wonderfully liberated self. Sure, she might have to still play a typical role, but she's willing to make the most of it. After all, "Sons learn from their mothers — and I plan to teach mine a great deal."
But perhaps having the best Mother's Day ever is Head Khaleesi in Charge, Daenerys Targaryen. Marching into her second slave city of the season — Yunkai. Only the rulers of this town are nowhere near as dumb as that a**hat from Astapor (guess that's why they call them the "Wise Masters" over there). Still, he makes an offer that Dany quickly refuses: ships and gold as long as she lets them keep their slaves. But Dany is still on her "free the slaves" tip, and isn't about to back down all that quickly. So what happens when you're an overprotective baby monster and your mother's just been threatened? You lose your gold and possibly a kingdom — so you better be careful.
Melisandre even gets in on the game, prepping her newest potential smoke-vagina-monster-giver Gendry (I mean, that has to be what's happening here, right?) for his future greatness. Sharing with him, emoting with him — manipulating him into exactly what she wants. By leading him past the Red Keep on their way back to Stannis', she was simultaneously able to teach him not only of his origins (the bastard of King Robert), but also of the importance of his paternity. He may be a bastard, but he’s also an heir. Sometimes I think absentee dads have a bigger influence on kids than ones that stick around. Also the manipulative abilities Melisandre (and her vagina) terrify me. I don't want wee Gendry involved in any of that!
Loose Ends:- Is it just me or is it still really surprising to see a landing strip (and I don't mean for airplanes!) in Westeros? The whole Medieval vibe of the show, coupled with the general unwashed nature of most of the cast always makes me question the pubic hair choices (and abilities!) of the ladies on this show.- Learning about Osha's husband tonight was so sad, but I'm really glad we're getting a bit of character development for someone who while otherwise wonderful, is woefully one dimensional.- Pro-Tip for Wildlings: Comparing a lady to seals and baby pigs is a surefire way to make sure you never get it in. Ever. Take some advice from Jon Snow or if you want to know how to please a lady.- Implementing a new rule: every time we see a lady's vagina we might as well throw a couple weens in there, too. And so it was decreed as law: henceforth and in perpetuity.- Arya's god is death, she declares: does sound really f**king ominous to anyone else?
What did you think of this week's Game of Thrones? Let us know in the comments.
Follow @AliciaLutes on Twitter
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Hollywood's ideas are cyclical. Example: even though Season 8 of 24 was touted as the final season, there were always rumors that the show would return for a feature film outing. That never happened, but franchise don't disappear: 24 is set to come back next season in limited series form. With Touch cancelled by Fox, Kiefer Sutherland is set to return as counterintelligence operative Jack Bauer in a 13-episode run, reports EW. Does that mean 24 is dropping the real time approach? Will the series even take place after the events of Day 8? Who or what is going on?!
Breathe, 24 fans. There's still lots of time on the clock before solid details regarding the series surface. No need to strap the series writers to any chairs and torture them with broken lamp parts just yet.
In anticipation of the new 24 saga, we've wrangled 10 characters from the show's past we're crossing our fingers return. Since anything goes during an episode of the show, we let our imaginations fly:
Aaron Pierce
The secret service agent became a fan favorite simply because he survived longer than most of the other characters on the show. While he didn't appear in 24's final season, Pierce (played by actor Glenn Morshower) evolved from background White House player to ass-kicking government agent up until Day 7 (in that season, he uncovered an assassination plot tied to the President's daughter, Olivia Taylor). If there's a Presidential character in 24's limited run, then Pierce needs to step back up to guard them.
Bill Buchanan
Unlike Secret Serviceman Pierce, many of 24's most lovable characters kicked the bucket at some point over the course of the show's run. But for every silent countdown indicating the demise of a series regular, we got a double gasp-worthy moment of a dead character's return. So depending on when the new series takes place — it could be a "day" in-between previous seasons — or how wacky it's willing to get, killed off cast members could be resurrected. So we suggest bringing back Bill Buchanan, actor James Morrison's CTU agent who went out with a bang saving Jack's life. He was kind of a wooden suit early on Day 4, but a bit of scruff turned Bill into the wise sage of the CTU team.
Mike Novick
A little bit smarmy, a little bit heartfelt, and a look that is reminiscent of Dick Cheney, Jude Ciccolella's Mike Novick managed to appear in the first two seasons, fall off the grid, then reappear on President Charles Logan's staff in Season 4. Mike's always played both sides of the field. Any good 24 season requires absurd amounts of shadiness and that's the void Mike easily fills. Especially if…
Charles Logan
… a certain diabolical ex-President returns to the cast. Look, I know Logan (Gregory Itzin) shot himself in the head at the tail end of Season 8, but the EMTs explained that he would survive (albeit with a bit of brain damage). Logan is 24's version of Hannibal Lecter: manipulative, soft-spoken, and evil at the core. He can help, he can hinder, but most importantly he takes any mild-mannered thriller plot and turns it on his head. Who knows how his recovery went post-attempted suicide, but it's safe to say Logan could return even crazier than before — and who wouldn't want to see that?
Nina Meyers
Another deceased 24 character I'll believe is dead when she doesn't return for the new limited series. Nina is wicked, and while all the CTU ladies are staples of the show (we love you, Chloe), few chew up scenery like Sarah Clarke's Nina. We haven't seen her since Day 3 when Jack shot her at point blank range. An intelligent person would believe that's it for Nina — but we've watched too much 24 to fully embrace logic. Either Fast Five style reveal that Nina survived the gunshot or set 24 2in an alternative timeline. Find a way, creators.
Sherry Palmer
Speaking of 24 ladies who give the hulking gents a run for their money, how about reviving Sherry Palmer for another turn in the White House? Setting the limited series within the existing timeline might be the only way to work Penny Johnson Jerald back into the terrorist plotting tapestry of the show, but it's worth it to get the scheming First Lady back (and if she comes packaged with David Palmer, great). Sherry added a Manchurian Candidate touch to the early seasons of 24, an element of paranoia lost down the road when the series relied on atomic bombs and global horrors.
Bearded Jack Bauer
Given: Jack Bauer will return for the new 24 season. Less of a given: He'll return looking like he did in the first episodes of Season 6, after being kidnapped and tortured by the Chinese for 20 months. I love me some Jack Bauer power hour, but I also like broken Jack — and I much prefer a guy on the run, a guy under pressure, a guy with nothing left to lose except the mission he puts on himself, then variations of the "troubled Jack" persona that feel forced (see: heroin addiction). When 24picks back up, here's hoping Jack has had his a** kicked. Severely.
Diane Huxley
Will Jack have a love interest in the new 24 series? He may not have time, but just in case, let's bring back Connie Britton's Season 5 character to add a bit of hope to an often bleak landscape. As someone who never really like Audrey Raines, Jack's longtime, post-wife gal pal, I'd be happy to see Jack emotionally reconnect with Diane (even if it's an excuse to add Britton's vibrance to the new series).
Behrooz Araz
Behroooooooooz. The son of a sleeper cell ringleader just wanted to make out with his hot blonde girlfriend, but nooooooo — Dad had to involve him in his plot to blow up nuclear power plants. At the end of Day 4, Behrooz was captured by evildoer Habib Marwan never to be seen again. His conclusion is one of the series big question marks (although answered in non-canonical deleted scenes) and he could make a great hero or villain in the revival of the show.
The Cougar
Run, Kim.
OK, maybe we don't need the infamous Season Two feline to literally make a reappearance in the new run of 24, but we do want something likeKim's run in with a cougar to go down. Levity is important. And adorable, if it comes in the form of a mountain cat.
Bonus: Saul from Homeland
The hit Showtime drama shares a creator with 24 in Howard Gordon, who might just be mad enough to collide his two hit properties into one madcap, Taliban-chasing romp. Jack teaming up with Carrie? Perhaps Mandy Patinkin's Saul could bring them together….
Who do you think should come back for 24 2.0? Voice your returning cast demands in the comments.
Follow Matt Patches on Twitter @misterpatches
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Director Uwe Boll has struggled to find audiences for his controversial films. He started his career with critically-panned video game movies like House of the Dead, Alone in the Dark, and Bloodrayne before shifting his crosshairs to topical subject matters. In 2009, he adapted his bloody genre aesthetic for a film about the genocide in Darfur. In 2011, he did the same for the horrors of the Nazi death camp Auschwitz.
This week, Boll releases his next pointed piece of cinema: Assault on Wall Street. Dominic Purcell stars as Jim, a blue collar New Yorker who loses everything in the 2008 financial crisis. As Wall Street bankers shred every bit of evidence of their wrongdoings, Jim watches as his life is destroyed. Witnessing his wife lose a battle with cancer pushes him over the edge, and Jim decides to pick up a few guns and deliver bloody payback aimed at the suits that wronged him.
Striking controversy is Boll's objective. The German director wants Assault on Wall Street to wake up audiences to the fact that they're being swindled by the political system and provoke them to take action. But he knows he's fighting a losing battle against his past. Will anyone take him seriously in a world where Argo (what he calls "an advertising [movie] for the C.I.A.") wins top prizes at the Oscars?
We sat down with Boll to hear him out. Read on for a boatload of contentious opinions on Wall Street, gun control, Hollywood, and his filmmaking career:
Hollywood.com: Many of your films have relied on over-the-top action but Assault on Wall Street strikes me as a calmer film.
Uwe Boll: I wrote it and I really wanted to show the deconstruction of a human being in the financial crisis fallout. I had the feeling if I make this more like Rampage, I lose all possibilities that people take it really seriously. That stuff like this can really happen. So I decided to go into the details and try and tell a love story. Unusual for my movies.
Did the financial situation in America rile you up on a personal level?
Boll: Look, everything that happened in the bailout… they lifted off everything we ever learned about economy. Especially the people who always talk about free trade. 'No socialism.' Then they pump all the tax payers money in savings and investment banks. The consequences of the bailouts were written on the wall from all financial experts. They said, 'You have to regulate the baking systems.' If you have $5000 in your checking account, it can not be that they are on the hook if the investment side of the bank is gambling and losing money. It can not be! So they have to divide it up. The normal, classical banking — mortgages, normal loans, deposits — can not be infected by the casino, basically.
It didn't happen. It's still the same like it was before. They make the profits still because the stock market exploded from cheap money from the feds. They get the money for free! This is the thing that is crazy. All experts say we're in another balloon. But next time, there will be no bailout. You can't say, 'We print another $5 trillion,' then we file for bankruptcy five minutes after the bailout because no one can pay that back. It's so obvious they had to do self-regulations and they didn't.
Do you feel that Hollywood has properly taken the government to task over the bailouts? Is Assault on Wall Street your response to that? It exudes anger.
Boll: Exactly. Too Big to Fail, Margin Call — I like those movies, but the brokers and the politics are in the middle. There's no normal guy who makes $50,000 a year in those movies. Wall Street 2 was a complete failure because it doesn't show the age of greed on Wall Street. It just shows Josh Brolin (who played [George W.] Bush in another [Oliver] Stone movie [laughs]), being one bad guy saving it all with his stupidity. I love Wall Street but the second was a good looking insult. So I wanted to make a movie where a guy holds people accountable because no one else is doing it.
Was extreme violence an essential part of getting that message across?
Boll: When I cast the movie, many agents said, 'Oh, my actor can not play that. He's just shooting too many people. He can only shoot one or two.' And I said, 'No, it has to be the system.' Like in the beginning, when the guy says 'dump the certificates' and the whole broker room start dumping. They know they've damaged the clients and they don't go to the feds and they're happy and they know they've destroyed peoples' lives. I think this is important that he goes against everybody. If people who watch the movie are feeling uncomfortable in their seats, on Wall Street, I've reached my goal. 'Oh, maybe I should have bodyguards.'
That's a bold wish.
Boll: It's absurd. We have so many people running amok for absolutely no reason, like the Batman screening. Then you have absolutely 100,000 reasons to go after the bankers and nobody did it so far. It's obvious.
Movies are often accused of promoting violence as a solution to life's problems. Though that's Assault on Wall Street's goal. Did you consider those acts of gun violence when making this film?
Boll: I think movies are there for this. To be a catalyst. To show what you want to do but can't do for real. My idea with guns is don't sell it to people under 30. I'm not pro-someone randomly gets a gun. I know how hard it is to change things in America. But it would omit 17-year-old psychopaths from running amok. In Canada, where I live, there are guns everywhere and no one runs amok. It's not a movie about gun control. This guy is able to get a gun and he goes for it.
I feel like you attempted to stick it to the man before with Darfur. Was that a success?
Boll: I think Darfur is an excellent movie. I think it's so brutal that most of the people can't watch it. It's like, 'Oh f**k, I have to switch it off.' Children being impaled, mass rapes, everything. I did it on purpose because that's exactly what happens in Darfur. I thought, OK if we don't stop the genocide but we have money to go to Iraq… here we have facts. I show what's out there. Children being hacked to pieces. 'Oh let's wait another year.' NATO or whatever. The blue helmets or whatever.
I showed it to the German army in a big multiplex in Germany. They got vert emotional about it. Then a big, four star general in Germany said in front of the crowd, 'If something like this happens, it doesn't matter what the order is. Because we're first human beings and have to stop it.' They were surprised he said that. We talked to blue helmets that were there that were not fighting. Why didn't you help? 'We were observing mission.' How absurd.
Why wasn't the movie taken seriously? Does it have to do with the route in which it arrives to America? Do you need the respect of Cannes or Sundance to back it?
Boll: I'm with you. The problem is that if something was said by George Clooney… he's everywhere. I say something, nobody cares. Especially with Wall Street. It's the most important subject matter on Earth. There's no bigger subject matter than the bailout crisis. Why will it get on one screen? Why is it not a movie that gets a 250 print release with some real money behind it?
I imagine it's because you're also the guy who made Postal.
Boll: My past haunts me. They don't take it seriously. The guy who made House of the Dead or Alone in the Dark can't be serious as a filmmaker. It's disappointing, but all I can do is keep trying to make movies that matter. At least on DVD or VOD people say, 'Oh wow.' A guy came up to me at the American Film Market and said, 'I'm the Showtime President and I want to tell you that Darfur is the best movie I've ever seen on our channel.' I said, 'Yeah, and you only $40,000!' They know they can lowball you.
A lot of things getting a lot of attention… look at Argo and Zero Dark Thirty. These are advertising movies for the C.I.A.. They're good films because they have good actors and they make them properly, but what is the f**king subject matter of Argo? It's a minor case. Who cares about eight people?
But would you be open to making a studio movie like that if given the opportunity?
Boll: That's the thing. I could never do the super patriotic point-of-view. Olympus Has Fallen or White House Down. I could do a big action movie, but it would be a little more balanced. I can not make myself do something where I'm political, where I think, 'This is so wrong. S**t.' The Wall Street 2… I can't do that.
Do video game and genre movies scratch that itch? Hollywood is kind of moving in on your territory now.
Boll: I just got calls that a studio has bought the rights to Far Cry. I lost the rights and they want to do a big, big Far Cry movie. Spent like $5 million on the game rights. I spent $150,000. I bought the rights early when they were developing it and bet on the game being a success. It is what it is. I don't have a problem making a genre movie like Far Cry or Bloodrayne because I don't feel I sell out with it.
Your genre films are also R-rated, which I'm guessing isn't the direction a studio wants to go with most properties.
Boll: What they're doing is all PG-13. Paramount watched Assault on Wall Street and I got an e-mail, 'We love it! This is so good! He kills everybody! But we can never acquire it' [laughs]. There was a point where studios acquired the movies they actually like. People go on the wrong track and constantly release movies that are half-cooked. I watched Jack Reacher on the airplane and it's an OK movie, but I don't even know why that guy shot people in the beginning of the movie. I have no f**king clue why they shot that guy. The whole case doesn't make sense. A lot of the movies coming out are good filmmaking, but without substance.
What's the next genre movie you're making?
Boll: Last December, I shot Suddenly, the remake of the Frank Sinatra movie with Ray Liotta and Dominic Purcell. It's a thriller and plays on one day. I hired an Obama double who almost (or maybe) gets shot in the end. I wanted to do that.
Why the hell would you want to do that?
Boll: Everyone said, 'Don't do it!' But I wanted to do it. I wanted an Obama double. And I was preparing to shoot a movie in India. A thriller about organ trade — but I have huge problems in India. I have tons of Indian guys who want to produce with me and I tell them I want to shoot that movie and they're like, 'Oh f**k!' Because it's real. They want me to come to India and shoot dancing.
I could see you doing a Bollywood movie.
Boll: Where everyone gets shredded in the end.
Follow Matt Patches on Twitter @misterpatches
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For all of us who consume the Real Housewives franchise like a Sommelier drinks a Ramona Pinot Grigiot (that is to say, with a whole lot of disgust followed by a slight pang of clever amusement) we have come to expect certain things, familiar characters if you will. That is why it was not at all surprising when Lydia McLaughlin unveiled her hidden secret weapon: a crazy mother. Yes, Jill Zarin has one. So does Marisol Patton (and I firmly believe the only reason she is still a Housewife of Miami is so that her mother will be around). Every woman on the Real Housewives of New Jersey is really just a crazy mother in one way or another. Beverly Hills wannabe Fetch tried to have a crazy mother but her mom was just as boring and striving as she was. No one wants a mom who tries. No one. But this Judy, well, she's something else entirely.
But let's talk about all the boring stuff first shall we? Wow, last night sure was a snooze. The most exciting thing about the first 20 minutes of the The Real Housewives of Orange County was, honestly, the hair accessories. First Lydia was wearing some sort of headband that is like something you put on baby girls that is like an elastic that has one burst of marabou on it. It is a mark, not of an attractive baby, but of an overly annoying mother. It shows you that this is the woman who would endanger the blood flow to her daughter's still developing brain so that she can be "fabulous" and everyone can ooh and coo at her one little sartorial flourish. It's as if these mothers think that having a little elastic headband will distract people from the fact that this tiny human being is quite literally sitting in its own s**t at that very moment. It does not.
Then we go to Alexis' bathroom where she was talking about God knows what with Our Lord and Savior Jim Bellino. Actually God does know because they were talking directly to him. I can't even hear the sounds of her voice anymore. It's like she is some sort of crazy dog whistle that operates on a frequency that is above human. Maybe she's talking directly to the lord in the same language that the crazy angel uses in Date with an Angel one of the best movies on HBO on constant repeat in my formative years. Anyway, Alexis then whips out what appears to be the world's last remaining Scrunchie. Yes, the one thing from the '90s that BuzzFeed has yet to find a way to create nostalgia around, and it is sitting right there in Alexis double-sided bathroom. It was an eggshell color and she put it in her hair and no elastic touched her precious locks because it had Scrunchie all around it. (Can you believe that there is a woman out there in the world right now who is a Scrunchie millionaire? Can you even deal with that? Can you accept the fact that she is not a Real Housewife of Somewhere? How is any of this even possible?)
What can we say about Gretchen? Oh, she's sad that Slade has to tend to his son with Spina Bifida and can't put a baby in her and all she can hear is the deafening ticks of her biological clock. She sat there on the couch talking to him and fiddling with a bit of elastic with a piece of Maribu on it that was once one of her garters but she can't wait to put on her baby's head. What can we say about Tamra? Oh, she's mad at Vicki for not coming to the Moving In Party for the Wines by Wives Dot Com office. First of all, this business does not need an office. It needs a Skype account and some guy at a laptop in a Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf. Keep the overhead down people! And now Tamra and Vicky, who already have offices of their own, have vanity offices at some scummy industrial park somewhere in Tarzana. Is that even in Orange County? Who knows? Who cares! It's gross.
Speaking of Vicki, she had two very important conversations with men last night. First up was her son-in-law Ryan, who helped her put a car seat in her car with the help of the klieg lights he just had lying around in the garage. You know, as people do. Anyway, after the seat Vicki was like, "Listen, Ryan. I want Brooks to come by the house." And Ryan said, "No, sorry. We didn't agree to that. I have safety concerns." OK, I hate Brooks as much as the next person and he is a bigger grifter than Anjelica Huston in The Grifters, but he is not a "safety concern." What is he worried about? That Brooks is going to kidnap his baby and hold him for ransom and he's going to have to get a suitcase full of unmarked bills or something? That is just silly. But Vicki pushed and said she wanted Brooks to come and Ryan said, "Well, we're moving out then." And Vicki said OK. Ryan is pissed, she is pissed but wants him to say everything is fine, and he just walked into the house without saying a word.
Then Vicki had dinner with Brooks. First of all the waitress comes over and he was like, "I'd like to order Vicki martinis," as if he's out to dinner with the world's most famous person and the waitress should just immediately know what that is. She looked at him quizzically and he said, "You know it's a martini with olives but..." and then Vicki finished his sentence "with, you know, blue cheese in the olives." She says it embarrassed like she doesn't want to bother the waitress to go through all this trouble to make the drink or like a child whose mother just mad her "do that thing" for company. But she does. Also, O to the Em Gee! When was this a Vicki Martini? Like Season 3? How long ago was that? And Brooks wasn't even there for it! I would say this was like when you go visit your mom and she was like, "I made your favorite: Sloppy Joes!" but you haven't had a Sloppy Joe since the last time you went to visit her and you stopped liking them somewhere around your 17th birthday but you just can't figure out how to tell your mom you don't like Sloppy Joes when it brings her so much joy to make them for you. I would say it's like that, but it's not. It's more like having dinner with Tina Fey and the waitress comes over and you're like, "Can we get some Cheesy Blasters. Right? Right? Amiright?!" Embarrassing.
Anyway, at the dinner Brooks said that he wants to come and visit but Vicki said that they won't let him and he tells them that it's her house and she makes the rules and they should do what she says. Give me an NRA membership and call me Strom Thurmon, but Brooks is actually right. Brianna and Ryan have no right to tell Vicki who can and can't be in her house. However, both parties need to pressure her to make a choice. The problem here is not that they don't like each other, it's that Vicki seems perfectly happy having both sides at odds with each other because it means she gets everything. She gets to see Brooks and live with her daughter. They both need to tell her, listen, you need to pick between the two of us and we will move on from there. That is what has happened. Vicki can not have Brooks and the rest of her friends and family, so she needs to decide. I've said that a million times, but there it is again.
Heather Dubrow got a part on Hot in Cleveland which I think of as less of a sitcom and more of a government assistance program for aging actresses without retirement plans. Heather has finally gotten her chance in the unemployment lottery and will be on the show. Good for her. I can't wait to see her tape her episode on her reality type television program.
What I really don't like is this Heather and Terry's Bickering Theater nonsense that we keep getting invited to. It just doesn't seem genuine. It seems like she is getting mad at silly petty things that he said disingenuously to get a rise out of him. I get it, that's annoying, but we don't need to see them fight. Can't we just have one Hosuewives couple that gets along and is in a happy marriage. Actually we have a handful (Mario &amp; Ramona and Mauricio &amp; Kyle come to mind) but can we have another one? Can we have one on OC? Please. Thanks guys.
OK, are you ready? It's now time to talk about Sweet Judy Blue Eyes. Now when you think of Lydia's mother, you don't think of a real actual human being, you think of the witch who sprinkled magic dust on a chicken carcass and brought it to life. Well, it turns out, Judy is just that. Judy lives in a place called the Land of the Bunnies, and there everything is happy and wonderful and everyone is in harmony with the earth. Everything is made out of jade crystals and everyone makes their living as turquoise jewelry salespeople on the sides of the road in New Mexico. Their bunnies don't hop and play in the meadow all day, they walk upright and tell you what to do. They are your lords and masters and they make sure that everyone is kind to nature and wears flowy outfits from the Stevie Nicks Collection for Chicos.
Yes, Judy is sort of like Glenda the Good Witch if Glenda had a gravity bong set up in her bathtub. When she encounters a stranger, she needs to sprinkle them with her magic dust and say a little prayer so that they are in her world too. "Shimmer of hope. Shine of belief. Shock of humor," she says as the dust she keeps in a little magical jar rains down on everyone around her. Judy's other magical gift is that she can make money appear from nowhere. Yes, she is rich. She just has money to throw around like they're rainbows on a clear day in a field where the sun beats down on the grass and a handsome naked man with long hair approaches in slow motion through the wild flowers to lay you down on a hillside and suckle your various nectars.
The problem is, Lydia does not like the Land of the Bunnies. She doesn't want her mother to live there and the two times that she has visited she has had to call her mother right away and have her come pick her up and rescue her and take her someplace real and cold and cynical. It is a church. Yes, Lydia lives in the House of the Lord and that seems diametrically opposed to where Judy has built her marshmallow palace. I guess it makes sense. We all rebel against our parents in many ways and the more extreme the parents usually the more extreme the rebellion. If your mom is essentially a Wiccan priestess that you would rebel by becoming a Puritan.
The problem is Lydia is winning. She has lured her mother out of the Land of the Bunnies permanently. She told Judy that her babies (one of which has the Christian name "Maverick") are going to live the holy life of the church and no Priestess of the Bunnies is ever going to love and cuddle her spawn. So Judy has left the Bunnies behind and has gone to live in the real world with the rest of us. When we meet Judy, her color has faded and her wind in her hair has died down to something that leaves her locks languid. We see them shopping and we see them at lunch and you can tell, just tell, that Judy misses the bunnies, oh yes she does. She thinks about them with every stray thought and thinks about bringing them up at every lull in the conversation, but she does not. She lives the life of a sad exile.
But as soon as lunch was over and Lydia drove away, Judy got in her car and she looked out on the sad parking lot in front of her. It was nothing but pavement and that green brown grass that is as brittle as overly-dyed hair. There were yellow lines and the haze of the hot afternoon making them flit a bit back and forth. She couldn't take it anymore. Judy had to go home. She took out her magic pipe and inhaled. This is the kind of pipe where you suck in instead of blowing out, and a little tune played. The world swirled around her and suddenly she was there, bright and relaxed and she saw the bunnies approaching the car.
"Welcome back, Judy," a big one, called Britghtstar, said to her. He was brown with a white belly and blue eyes. "Would you like to come to a picnic?" he asked, opening her car door. He took her hand and she stepped out. Suddenly she was wearing a violet gown and there were streamers hanging from a floral crown around her head. Judy was so delighted to be back, so happy to get going to a picnic. The parking lot was gone and before her there was a sea of dandelions just all yellow and magical and all you could hear was the buzzing of invisible bees going about their work. Brightstar still had her hand and she started to wade through the weeds towards whatever lunch awaited her. She took several slow steps, getting her bearings in this world that she had left for months.
"No," Brightstar said, stopping her for a moment. "Here we only skip."
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I sort of understand how the characters feel in this week's episode of Game of Thrones. Coming into my recap of last week's episode ("Kissed By Fire"), I was replacing a writer who had a deep knowledge of the books and wove that into her recaps. I am only still on the first book of the series, but come to the show with a huge love for it just from having watched the HBO series. It can be a bit chaotic, delving into something so serious, so well-established: the Internet is often a pit of chaotic opinions and impulsive hatred. But as we learned during Sunday's episode (titled "The Climb," and yes, I promise I will keep all Miley Cyrus references to a minimum): you either keep moving forward or you get swallowed by the politics.
"The Climb" was no subtle sidenote; no filler episode meant to take up space before the epic events to come. "The Climb" was a thematic clincher. A real walloper poised to drive home the fact that everything in Westeros pretty much sucks, and then you die. But in the middle is the climb — and you can either find peace, struggling for your own piece, or let the climb control you. And nobody likes to be controlled unless they're getting something out of the deal.
The episode starts out with ladies showing the limits of their own power. Who's a gal got to sleep with to get a couple dragons and in turn some respect around here? Everyone was tested, and no one really won. Because as much as progress has a place, the past will sure as hell try its damndest to stay put.
Don't Be Tarly for The Party:Samwell and his lady Gilly spent their fifteen seconds of episode hanging out around a fire, casually admiring old blades on the world's worst first date. Now: is that an obsidian blade or dragonstone? Either way, that blade is probably the only reason we even saw these two at all this episode — unless, of course, someone on staff was dying to be serenaded by those smooth Tarly vocals.
The Literal Climb:Ryk, Tormund, Ygritte, and Jon Snow spent the whole of the episode really going at The Wall. This was the literal climb to go along with the metaphorical climb everyone else was dealing with elsewhere in Westeros. The whole thing was quite epic: The Wall is over 700 feet tall — some say the top is hidden well above the clouds. Plus, the whole thing is made of ice ...certainly a tricky trail to travail for any Crow or wildling. And overall, the entire ascent is treacherous. Large chunks of ice fall at a moment's notice, there's snow and wind whipping up everything around you, it's cold as — woops! — Ygritte's accidentally set off an avalanche of ice that took out more than half of the wildling crew climbing. An event that almost sent Ygritte and Jon to their graves — thanks to Ryk's seeming inability to help a brother out when in need. Somebody's a little butthurt they're not getting any action on this trip, eh?
But Ygritte isn't stupid: she knows that Jon Snow's alliances fall elsewhere (he's nothing if not honorable and loyal), but that doesn't mean she's not going to be privy to those alliances should they end up coming out on top. Jon Snow will be loyal to his woman! Plus, let's be real: if you have to choose between The Night's Watch and the Wildings, you'd probably just choose whichever one licked your bits the best, too.
Bran the Peacekeeper:I'm still not sure what the deal is with the Reed siblings, and it seems like the jury of Bran is still out, as well. I mean, I hope they're good people, but you just really can't be too sure who's good and who's bad when it comes to people scrambling about in the wake of winter (which is coming).
Clearly, Meera and Osha are not going to be simpaticos any time soon — they could barely agree on how to skin a rabbit. In fact, they'd probably prefer to skin each other like those rabbits than be mates of any sort. But Jojen's nightmare dream-thing reminds them all that there's a far greater rivalry out there being played out by many others. His visions send him to The Wall, where he sees Jon Snow with the wildings (or, as that little cupcake from Love Actually said in his grown-up voice, "the enemy").
Brotherhood Without Morals:Melisandre is here — no doubt to muck things up with her general terribleness, right? It's not hard to forget that the Brotherhood Without Banners and Melisandre both believe the same religion and worship the same Lord of Light — especially since they both go about it so differently. I mean, Melisandre's all vagina-cloud-monster-babies that murder people and the Brotherhood's all "let's bring Beric back to life for the 800th time!" Melisandre is bugged out by the power that Thoros of Myr seems to possess, deeming it impossible. However, it seems to be that (at least at this point), Thoros' humility about the whole thing is what's putting him down the right path.
But Melisandre isn't all without power: she made a quick case out of getting Gendry for herself, in the name of the Lord of Light. Our favorite Baratheon bastard is heading for somewhere, we're just not quite sure where that is at this point. Our money is on him being the one that she mentioned to Stannis that she could "use" to create another demon-vagina-smoke-monster. So much for the brotherhood being about, well, brotherhood. Gendry was sold off for a few bags of gold and that was that. At first convinced it was a betrayal, Gendry is understandably upset. However, Melisandre assures him that he is "more than they are. They're just a bunch of foot soldiers, but you're going to make kings rise and fall." Is that some fancy way of telling him he's really good at being a blacksmith, or that he's actually destined for legitimate greatness?
And chalk another loss up to poor Arya. Again! Anyone Arya cares about seems destined to be taken away from her. (Arya is the personification of the "forever alone" meme. If Westeros was a place that existed now and had memes.)
But Melisandre has a prophecy for our littlest Stark gal, who called Melisandre a witch outright. "I see a darkness within you. And in that darkness, eyes stare back at me. Brown eyes, blue eyes, green eyes — eyes you'll shut forever. We will meet again." Something tells us our tiny murderer-in-wait's list of kills might have something to do with those eyes. I'm just convinced Arya is going to plow down fields of men when she's older and faced with battle. But who knows maybe she'll end up being a total flower! Either way, I am so into an Arya vs. Melisandre showdown at some point in this series' 9 billion year future.
The Increasingly Poor Decisions of Robb Stark:Oh Robb: you're so pretty — when will that face catch up to its brain? The Tullys and the King of the North meet with some Frey representatives who are like "well since you totally screwed us over, our lord wants Harrenhal" (seriously — why does everyone want Harrenhal so bad? It's a mess. A real fixer-upper if you ask me). But Robb's all "I can't give you Harrenhal yet, but how's about Edmure Tully to marry your Roslin Frey?" At first, Edmure puts on a hissy fit that only he could pull off, but Robb insists: sorry, uncle, you're getting married.
Theon and That Crazy Motherf**ker:You guys: dudes be ca-razy on this episode! And no crazy has been more simultaneously enjoyable and messed up than this brunette chimp gleefully toying with our poor, misguided Theon Greyjoy. Seriously, though: this little fella is a right monster, he is. And his chilling line towards Theon feels like a direct quote from George R.R. Martin and the showrunners themselves:
"If you think this has a happy ending, you haven't been paying attention."
Westeros Middle School:And unhappy endings are the secret end to every middle school girl's first crush: which, if you're a young, niave ginger just looking for a little salvation and stability in a foreign place filled with chaos, is likely to be on a gay boy. Always, in fact. Poor Sansa doesn't even realize how wrong she's got it. Thinking she hit the lottery getting set up on a date with Loras Tyrell, Sansa is pretty much living my middle school experience. You go in expecting a handsome prince with a great taste in brooches and a wonderful vision for the future, only to later find out your dreams were all a lie and that you won't be marrying the most popular boy at theater camp.
She also (somehow) has no idea that Loras is gayer than Christmas and more camp than a row of tents. I mean, he even know what sort of gown she'd wear (fringed sleeves!). Man, I'm not one to stereotype, but whether you live in the realm or the real world: some things never change for a young gal. They find a footing and common thread in their hatred for the Red Keep (man, politics be so unfair and political!), but it doesn't last for long.
...Because Sansa is getting married to Tyrion Lannister whether she wants to or not, you guys. Too bad she doesn't realize that Tyrion rules and she's lucky to have the halfman, even if their marriage ends up a loveless one.
The Ultimate Sass-Off:We all waited patiently for the inevitably epic showdown between Olenna Tyrell and Tywin Lannister, right? Personally, I was rooting for Olenna on this one, but homegirl managed to get bested — at least it wasn't by some slouch. You see, Tywin wants Cersei to marry Loras but Olenna knows that even though she's a nice face, she probably can't have children anymore, which would essentially mean the death of the Tyrell name (Loras must have all of the babies!) However, these two both have cards to play against each other: Tywin shows his hand as a big ole homophobe, and asserts that Loras' sexual orientation is something that needs hiding.
But Olenna came out swinging, not batting an eyelash at the fact that Loras is "a sword-swallower through and through." Has Tywin ever got in on a bit of sword-swallowing himself? Maybe a little game of "hide the sword" or "touch the sword until it bellows" (all games that I just made up that are most definitely euphemisms for getting in on some man-on-man action)? "Never!" he asserted, which, of course. Olenna's not backing down at this point, though, and lays out some real talk for our Hand: Loras might be gay, but that's so not as bad as the fact that your twins Cersei and Jaime diddle each other on the regular. But Tywin won't back down: if Olenna refuses his proposition, Loras will be sent to the Kingsguard where all members are forbidden to marry or breed, which will essentially end the Tyrell name and lineage, which we all know Olenna has no time for. So she seceedes this round to Tywin, and is clearly impressed: "It's a rare enough thing: a man who lives up to his reputation."
Littlefinger, Big World:We watch Littlefinger set sail for better days from Sansa's teary-eyed point of view on the shore, being left behind. She had the chance to play the game, to keep climbing towards her own freedom, but she refused — trusting a family who has done nothing but use her as a pawn this whole time. Maybe not your best decision, Sansa, but maybe also not your worst, since we all know how awful Littlefinger is — especially after what he let Joffrey do to Ros!
Which: poor Ros! Lord that was messed up. Joffrey, king of the a**holes is shown mid-Littlefinger-monologue with a crossbow in hand and a strung up and arrowed-out Ros on his bed. Dead from climbing well beyond her reach. I wish we got less of the rabbit and Theon finger-skinning and a bit more on the end of Ros, considering she's a character we've actually gotten to know over the course of three seasons.
Littlefinger's monologue was an especially telling one — really summing up the narrative strides we've made in this particular episode: the Realm as those who once knew it was a lie they told themselves to feel better. But what happens when that lie is left to die? Chaos, says Varys. But see, chaos is a ladder, not the pit. Many who try to climb it fail. Some are given the chance the climb, but they refuse. Others try and fail. But in the end, the climb is all there is: the ladder is the only thing that's real. So happy those who make the climb think they'll be when they reach the top: but that happiness is only momentary, before the chaos starts all over again.
And no one's getting more stiffed on the happy endings front than, well, everyone. Which is really quite a feat, considering there are 27 main characters in this show, and we've got 4 weddings on the horizon. I think the biggest question here is: what do you get for the psychopathic boy king who has everything and hates all of it? That registry's going to be a bloodbath.
Other Things to Discuss:- Brienne's pink dress. I mean, COME ON. What sort of dreck was that nonsense?- Those tips to slink up the wall also double as the best way to handle the political madness that is life in the Realm: "Sink your metal deep, and make sure it holds before your next step." Truer words, my dudes.- Jaime's storyline was pretty minimal this week: apparently he's going to have a chance to go back to the Red Keep, just not with Brienne. Womp, womp. Loved the bantering back and forth between Jaime and Roose Bolton, though.- Mostly, I'm just stuck on why Roose doesn't drink. (A+ line alert: "You do understand how suspicious that is to ordinary people") Because I mean, hey guys, your living conditions are the worst (but with magic!). Let loose and have some wine every now and again. Because let's face it: your lives pretty much suck.- "The Lysa Arryn of Chairs." Perfect, sick burn, Varys.
What did you think of this week's Game of Thrones? Let us know in the comments.
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