Daily Archives: November 19, 2017

Ahh, alleged perverts! They are so allegedly perverted in their alleged perversions. And for legal reasons, we have to always say they are “alleged” perverts because we weren’t there at the time of the alleged perversions but I mean, yeah, it does kinda sound like they were perving it up…allegedly.

Alleged perverts seem to be in great supply these days. Every day there’s a new allegation of perversion against a famous celebrity you thought you knew and trusted and invited into your home via your TV screen for so many years.

Ladies, I don’t want to alarm you, but I think it’s pretty safe to assume that literally everyone, and I mean everyone, every man around you is an alleged pervert, thinking about engaging in unscrupulous behaviors with your lady business at all times. I mean “every man” might be a bit too strong, but apparently its more than we thought, at least where celebrities are concerned.

So without further ado, ladies, pack your pepper spray and pop those keys out between your knuckles because from BQB HQ in Fabulous East Randomtown, it’s the Top Ten Alleged Pervert Moves for Ladies to Watch Out For:

#10 – The Alleged Al Franken Photographed Booby Grab

Our legal system is bizarre that even when there’s photographic evidence of the alleged perversion, we still must call the alleged pervert an alleged pervert, but hey, that’s the way the cookie crumbles.

HOW TO COMBAT: To determine if a man is an unwanted booby grabber, pretend you are sleeping. When the alleged pervert comes in, trying to grab your boobies with a buddy to snap a photo, wake up instantly and taze the alleged booby grabber in the nuts, while shouting, “You’re not good enough, you’re not smart enough and doggone it, people don’t like you!”

#9 – He’s Allegedly Asked to Masturbate in Front of You

I mean, if you’re in a committed relationship and he likes to crank one out in front of you and you don’t mind, fine. Personally, I think y’all should be taking turns grabbing each others’ parts, otherwise, what’s the point of the relationship if everyone’s grabbing themselves?

But other than in a committed relationship, dudes shouldn’t be asked to slap around the old salami in your presence.

HOW TO COMBAT: Ladies, we here at BQB HQ call this move the “Louis CK” maneuver so watch out for it. If a dude asks to jerkoff, just tell him he’s an actual jerkoff then run away, preferably with your arms flailing about wildly as you shout, “Alleged pervert!” so that all ladies in the vicinity know to stay away from the alleged pervert.

#8 – “The Kaiser Soze”

People, the good news is its no longer a stigma to admit you are gay. The bad news for alleged perverts is no one is going to give you a medal when you try to distract folks from the allegation by being all like, “I’m coming out as gay.” Good for you, you’re gay, but that doesn’t give you a free pass to try to force yourself on anyone, adult or underage….allegedly of course.

We call this move “The Kaiser Soze” because like the infamous Soze, a human chameleon who was able to blend in and change his identity, once played by alleged pervert Kevin Spacey, the alleged pervert tries to take the allegation and twist the response to seek accolades for admitting to being gay, whenever gay people are all like, “Dude don’t try to use being gay as an excuse for allegedly jumping on a kid because gay dudes have been trying to defeat the stereotype that gayness = pedophilia for years.”

HOW TO COMBAT: Yes, ladies aren’t the only ones who have to look out for alleged perverts. Young male thespians, if an older male thespian attempts to ravage you, simply kick him in the leg until he limps like Verbal, then alert the public so this once great thespian from any and all future gigs…including “House of Cards.” I mean, I was a fan of that show and the show will have a shitty ending now but so be it, we cannot support alleged perverts by awarding them undeserved roles.

#7 – Used the Phrase, “I Asked Their Mothers for Permission” (Allegedly)

HOW TO COMBAT: Moms, if an adult male politician asks permission to date your underage daughter, please perform multiple roundhouse kicks to his nuts. Don’t just say yes, even if it is 1970s era Alabama. That’s not cool. Call the police too.

#6 – Allegedly Slipping the Mickey to Allegedly Slip in the Pudding Pop

I’ll never look at pudding pops again thanks to alleged pervert Bill Cosby. By the way, does anyone know if pudding pops still exist? If anyone is going to the grocery store today, stop by the freezer aisle and let me know if you see any because I remember those things and they were effing delicious and frankly, I don’t see why a tasty frozen treat has to suffer just because its 1980s era spokesman underwent perversion allegations.

HOW TO COMBAT: Guard your drinks, ladies. Always guard your drinks. You know, someone should invent a little locking drink cover with a pass code or something that goes over drink cups to avoid slipped mickeys. Then again, the engineering logistics to find one cover that fits all…maybe the bars could provide them based on the drink cups they use.

There you go bars. Invent this and you can be all like, “Our drinks are rape drug proof!”

I don’t know. Sorry ladies. I guess until they invent that shit you’re going to have to bring your drinks into the bathroom while you pee. As long as you don’t pee in the drink by accident it should be ok.

#5 – The Alleged Casting Couch

Is your boyfriend allegedly demanding women touch and or do other unsavory activities with his John Thomas in exchange for movie roles? This move is “The Alleged Harvey Weinstein.”

Admit it. We always sort of knew that “the casting couch” scenario was a real thing in Hollywood. No one goes anywhere in Tinsel Town without catching a few unwanted dongs I guess. As POTUS 45 would say, “It’s sad. It’s really sad.”

HOW TO COMBAT: Tape record all casting couch sessions. When the alleged pervert demands his wiener be touched for a part, just play the tape and let him know which parts you want for the next 30 years.

#4 – The Alleged Pussy Grab

Speaking of POTUS 45, our esteemed Commander in Chief was caught on tape talking about grabbing women by the pussy and then a bunch of women came out to say they had been grabbed. POTUS 45 denies it, his allegers allege he’s a pervert. I don’t know, ladies, all I can say is that if your boyfriend is talking about grabbing pussies he could very well be an alleged pervert.

HOW TO COMBAT: If your pussy is grabbed by a business tycoon with a bad rug, rip off the rug and wave it around in the air.

#3 – The Alleged Mr. Sulu

Audio has surfaced of George Takei on the Howard Stern show, talking about grabbing, how shall we put this, the wieners of reluctant dudes. Look, dudes either want their wieners grabbed or they don’t. George claims that this was all in good fun and he was kidding around on a comedy show but…I don’t know…I’d still advise dudes to watch their wieners around Mr. Sulu just to be safe.

HOW TO COMBAT: Always guard your wiener. Men, wear a jock strap and a cup when meeting any celebrity.

#2 – The Steven Seagal Leather Pants Fly Unzip

Ladies, we here at BQB HQ would never blame the woman for being sexually harassed. Men should always be held responsible for their inappropriate behavior. That being said, a word of advice, if you ever see a man wearing leather pants, do run as fast as you can in the opposite direction. No good has ever come out (pun intended) of a pair of cowhide trousers.

HOW TO COMBAT: If you’re invited to a meeting and a pair of pants is unzipped, you’ll have to go with your fight or flight response. You can flee and run out the door, or fight and use some Steven Seagal karate chops on the unzipped area.

#1 – The Lewinsky

Ahh, the alleged (is he really still alleged?) pervert that started it all, the esteemed President William Jefferson Clinton. Damn, did that guy like pussy, so much so that he became the second POTUS in US history to go through impeachment proceedings over it.

Imagine what went through Bill’s mind. “Well…I’m only one of 40 some odd people out of millions and millions to be chosen to lead America and my name will go down in history forever but, you know, I might fuck this all up by turning an intern into a humidor. Oh yeah, baby, don’t stop thinkin’ bout tomorrow. No, don’t worry Hillary, this won’t fuck up your shit in 20 years.”

HOW TO COMBAT: Um…apparently the only way is to wait 20 years and then the media is all like, “Oh OK, maybe it was kind of a big deal that the POTUS was an alleged pervert.”

DISCLAIMER: This post is just for fun. I am not categorically stating any of these people are actual perverts. I wasn’t there. I’m just repeating what I hear on the news. Further, no one should take the parts where I say “How to Combat” as actual advice. I’m no legal expert but yeah, it’s always best to extricate yourself from any uncomfortable situation without resorting to violence if possible. Consult an actual lawyer though if you want to know how to best respond to alleged pervert assaults, because I’m just joking around here and nothing I say should be taken seriously.

Well, it only took two years and four films, but Warner Brothers has finally figured out a winning formula.

BQB here with a review of “Justice League.”

Character development. It’s what the Marvel Cinematic Universe excelled at and what Warner Brothers failed at, even though the winning formula was clear – make a bunch of films starring the individual heroes, then make films starring the heroes working together…repeat.

Warner Brothers went a different way in March of 2016 with the pathetic flop that was “Batman vs. Superman.” Technically, they started with “Man of Steel” years back, though at the time it didn’t appear as though there was an intention for that particular version of Superman to stick around…as far as I know anyway.

In B v S, we were flashed quick versions of Batman and Wonder Woman. The plot was hacky, like Man of Steel, it was riddled with product placement, and Lex Luthor, greatest villain of all time, was turned into a nerdy wiener played by Jesse Eisenberg.

While critics despised “Suicide Squad,” I enjoyed it, though looking back on it, I’m not sure it really capitalized on its main asset – Harley Quinn. A Joker and Harley movie is long overdue.

Bottomline – Marvel’s characters weren’t as well known to general audiences. Thus, Marvel/Disney was able to make an Iron Man flick, a Hulk flick, a Captain America flick, a Thor flick, an Avengers flick, then press repeat, minus the Hulk flick because the green guy just can’t carry a film on his own, sadly.

But the character development in the individual flicks always paid off in the Avengers flicks. We would see the individual characters suffer and face their demons and then come together as a team.

DC’s cross to bear was that prior to this attempt to copy Marvel, Batman and Superman had been done umpteen million times. However, while I still maintain that audiences didn’t need another origin story for Batman or Superman, there could have been a film to introduce us to this grittier, older, depressed version of Batman starring Ben Affleck. We didn’t need to see Bruce Wayne’s parents get capped after a night at the theater for the 1000th time, but it would have been nice to have seen a film where we jump into the new Batman’s world and see what he’s all about. For example, a Batman vs. Joker and Harley film could have done just that.

Meanwhile, “Man of Steel” was yet another Superman origin film and as Supes and Zod punched their way through 7-11 signs and IHOP restaurants, the whole thing felt very forgettable.

June of this year’s “Wonder Woman” was Warner’s first critically acclaimed hit. Wonder Woman has appeared in TV form before in the 1970s, but generally, she wasn’t as well known as Bats and Supes, so Warner had a chance to introduce her and tell us what she’s about.

Thus, in “Justice League,” the main continuity payoffs come from references to the earlier “Wonder Woman” film whereas references to B v S made me want to hurl, as I’m still doing all I can to forget that epic fail of a film.

Honestly, I feared that character development was not Warner’s forte. It felt like they were rushing these films out, not taking their time, that we were a bunch of chimps who would put our butts into the seats no matter what so they just cared about money and not plot or telling us what made the characters tick.

Thus, it felt to me like “Justice League” was destined to fail. We were introduced to new Batman and new Superman, albeit poorly, and we were introduced to Wonder Woman well, but introducing us to the Flash, Aquaman and Cyborg all in the same film and somehow making us care about them seemed like a tall order and yet…they pulled it off.

Ray Fisher plays Cyborg/Victor Stone with just the right amounts of anger and sadness. Cyborg, a young man rebuilt as part-man but mostly machine by his scientist father, views himself as an abomination, subject to the will of the technology that controls him, tech that he has little control over himself. He must overcome self-hatred to serve a higher purpose.

Ezra Miller provides much needed comic relief as The Flash/Barry Allen. The Flash has appeared on TV in the 1990s to not so great results, though a more recent return to TV faired better. There were a variety of ways the film could have gone with Flash but here, they decided to go with an accidental bumbler. Hit by lightning, the kid can now run really fast. At the time of this film, he’s foiled a few petty crooks with his feet of fury, but he’s never gone toe to toe with a big bad and that leaves him scared shitless. He devours entire pizzas in one sitting without gaining weight because his top speeds leave his body depleted and a scene where he thinks he’s about to shine only to realize Superman can run as fast as he can is the highlight of the film.

I was on the fence with Jason Mamoa’s “Aquaman.” Aquaman, long panned as the lamest Justice League member due to his power of talking to fish, has always been a long haul to bring home. After all, the cartoon version featured Aquaman riding two dolphins under his feet as if they were water skis. Here, Aquaman is portrayed as a gritty merman, unsure of why he was cast out of Atlantis and left to protect a seaside community. This Aquaman is very “Point Break-ish,” an extreme adventurer type, enjoying badassery, boastful of his manliness and so on. I had mixed feelings about him throughout the film until a humorous scene with Wonder Woman won me over.

As in any film, there are flaws. Bruce Wayne doesn’t seem to give a shit about revealing himself as Batman to every new team member he meets, though I suppose if he’s going to work with these people, he has to. Also, the plot revolves around finding three boxes that hold the power to global destruction before the villain Steppenwolf (Ciaran Hinds) can. Something about those boxes made me think about Marvel’s tesseract, though I suppose similarities between comic worlds are inevitable. There’s only so much of this shit that can be done before it all seems to mold together.

Ultimately, it’s a good ride. Would independent Flash, Cyborg and Aquaman films helped? Maybe…maybe not. Honestly, I worried about that going into the film but somehow the movie manages to give us just the right amount of back story for these three heroes – not too much, not too little – perhaps independent films would have been overkill. Now that we’ve given small doses of them to see what makes them tick, we might root for them more independently.

Amazingly, the movie finally even gets Superman right. Superman has always been a tough one. He’s the ultimate boy scout who does no wrong and basically has no flaws, so its hard to relate to him. Further, even though he can fight like anything and survive, Hollywood rarely pits him against foes worth his time. Superman shines here, though I think long term, the franchise will suffer because of the earlier decision to let Eisenberg play a geeky version of Lex Luthor rather than go with the traditional comic book version were Lex is the ultimate cunning badass.

Good story. Good plot. Good characters. It had heart and humor. I finally care about these characters. It took awhile, but WB finally got it right.