Let’s face it, real life can be boring and stressful when sober, and sometimes we can all use an escape into a more pleasurable state of existence. Of course this means having money, the Lancelot of boredom slayers. When low on funds, some of us may feel the need to explore cheaper weapons for fighting the Evil Sobriety Monster. The first most obvious place to look would be nature and common things found around the home. This unfortunately, is a mistake that can end up making you Dead Sober.

We think the best way to get around dying from new substances is to let others go first. If they die a horrible painful death, we know not to try that for ourselves.

Here a few things that don’t get you stoned, but might get you dead.

photo from whizzer.com

#1 Licking Toads:

Kissing a toad is never going to get you a prince or princess, unless of course its the Colorado River Toad, then you can expect see anything from a Royal Hottie to a Crazy Leprechaun Clown chasing you to get his gold back. (At least that’s what we were led to believe right before be went on our last toad hunt.)

It turns out however that licking the toad doesn’t work. You actually have to milk to toad first with a little foreplay. The procedure is pretty simple. You need to gently stroke the toad under its chin to initiate the “defensive venom response”. The toad will then start releasing venom that can be later dried for its wonderful psychedelic effects.

However, If you go around chasing and licking toads, you might get locked up in a sanitarium with a constant supply of mind altering drugs. So it is technically practicable to get stoned through this method as well.

#2 An Alcohol Enema – You might want to get a skinnier version

Kinda like this but more kinky

The Alcohol enema is an inscrutable invention that probably came to light during some combination of drinking sex game. Of course, the first person to attempt this must have already been drunk, so it is unlikely the discovery came from necessity.

Without going into details, an alcohol enema is absorbed through your colon and can make you extremely drunk. However it can also make you extremely Dead.

In Through the Out Door

When you absorb alcohol in through the outdoor, so to speak, your intestines absorb the alcohol directly, bypassing your liver’s natural filtration system. The liver is very important in helping you stay alive, and needs to filter out poisonous substances, like alcohol. When you remove it from the filtration process you are more likely to get dead than drunk.

#3 Blue Morning Glorys –

As you may have heard, the seeds of blue morning glorys can send you on a hallucinogenic trip to the spirit world of Alice in Wonderland. This is because The seeds of many species of morning glory contain ergot alkaloids like “ergonovine” and “ergine” (LSA), a close relative to its Psychedelic friend “LSD”

Now some people may think, “Hey, why don’t we go out and get a few hundred seeds to check it out?”
The answer to this question is simple. The seeds are sold to gardeners who may not use them for years to come. To reduce spoilage the seeds are usually covered in a poisonous form of pesticide or methylmercury which has been known to cause wonderful neurological damage.

#4 Freon

Freon

“Freon” is actually a trade name for “chlorofluorocarbons.” which have been known to cause cardiac arrhythmia (irregular heartbeat), and palpitations at very high concentrations. Chlorofluorocarbons are the leading cause of “Sudden Sniffing Death” via the induction of fatal cardiac arrhythmias.

The high experience when sniffing “freon” or “aerosol propellants” is actually your brain suffocating from lack of oxygen and increased Carbon dioxide in the blood. For years there was a myth that the people who partook in sniffing chlorofluorocarbons died because they could not get the plastic bag off their head, which has been proven untrue by science.

freon gets you stoned to death.

#5 Eating bagels for the poppy seeds –

Yes, Chasing the Dragon has caused much turmoil in the eastern continent. It brought down the Legendary Qing Dynasty in 1912 and even allowed Hong Kong to be annexed by the British.

To think, All this war and fighting just to allow bagels into China? Yes, the Poppy seeds are the the seeds of the opium poppy, but hold on before you wolf down a truck full of bagels, because a “truck full” is probably how much it would take to get high of these things.

Poppy seeds do contain tiny amounts of the opium alkaloids “morphine” and “codeine”, and they have been proven to cause a failure on your drug test. But even if you skip the bagels, it is pretty much impossible to get high of poppy seeds. Although there has been a report of concentrated Poppy Seed tea causing Death.

#6 Mimosas.

Champagne and Orange Juice

A Mimosa is a mixture of champagne and orange juice, so they don’t get you high, they get you drunk.

But wait a minute…..

The Mimosa tenuiflra is used in shamanic Ayahuasca or “spirit wine” which has the puzzling characteristic of only causing psychedelic effects when its ingredient are mixed together. It can also be used in tea for tooth pain, to treat coughing and bronchitis, treating leg ulcerations, and has antiseptic applications as well.

The mimosa is known for many curative properties and technically, can get you high if you happen to have access to the shamanic recipe. However, anyone who has had the pleasure of seeing young guns or family guy knows that its not always a good time when your being hunted by giant chickens.

#1 The Leader: Emperor Wilhelm I

Emperor Wilhelm I was the King of Prussia and the First German Emperor. However, the history books show that this great leader was actually playing second fiddle to his right hand man.

Who was his right hand?….

This Guy:

“Woe unto the statesman who makes war without a reason that will still be valid after the war is over”

Otto von Bismark.

Was he Badass?

Well lets just say he started the 2nd Reich.

As an ardent fan of military glory, when Bismark spoke the words “Woe unto the statesman who makes war without a reason that will still be valid after the war is over” People stopped and listened…. Mostly because it confused the hell out of them. Why would a glorified war lover be against war? It would be this show of reason that convinced the reigning King (Frederick William IV) to abstain from invading Austria in 1850, a move that probably saved both Prussia’s and Bismarck’s career, since they were unlikely to win such an endeavor. Bismark showed he was smart enough to hold his desires in check. Bismark couldn’t let an opportunity to invade Austria go to waste, and later convinced the King to drop out of the German Federation of peace for the sole purpose that it would allow an attack on Austria. Of course the Prussian Army was much stronger at this point allowing them to defeat the Austrians in a brutal victory of the “Seven Weeks War”

When King Frederic died in 1861, his brother Wilhelm assumed the throne. Wilhelm disliked Bismark intensely and had no plans on keeping him at his side. He learned quickly however, that like his brother, he didn’t really have a choice in the Matter. Bismark had made himself too valuable. Not only was he keeping the wolves in the cabinet at bay, but he was also providing strong arm advisory skills.

Wilhelm Like Frederick before him, would also argue and rank at Bismark with regards to policy to all ends of the night. Unfortunately the final straw was always Bismark’s threat of resignation, and it was always enough to force Wilhelm”s Concession.

His Strong arm Tactics would end up directing Wilhelm I to the unification of Germany and the Crown of Emperor. However Bismarck, the Right Hand man, Imperial Chancellor, and Knighted prince was actually calling the shots the whole time.

Ironically the man Europe named the “Iron Chancellor” would become known less for his prowess at war and more for his greatest achievements that included; administrative reforms, developing a common currency, a central bank, and a single code of commercial and civil law for Germany.

Bismarck also became the first statesman in Europe to devise a comprehensive scheme of social security to counter the Social Democrats, offering workers insurance against accident, sickness and old age.

History Records that Bismarck was the right hand man of himself.

Well that takes car of the 2nd Reich, but what about the 1st?

The First Reich was the “Holy Roman Empire” and was led by this dude:

#2 Charlemagne

His Right hand man however carries with him the stories of legends.

Remember these two guys?

Put them both together and you’ll get this guy:

#2 Roland

The Legend of Roland

Roland (Frankish: Hruodland) (died 15 August 778), also known as Count Roland, was a Frankish military leader under Charlemagne who became one of the principal figures in the literary cycle known as the Matter of France.

The tale of Roland’s death is retold in the eleventh century poem The Song of Roland, where he is equipped with the Olifant (a signalling horn) and an unbreakable sword. The song of roland

The story of The Song of Roland engenders feelings of the classic struggle between good and evil. It is brilliantly summed up by Roland’s dying gesture as he Raises his right-hand glove to the heavens (the gesture of a vassal’s fealty to his lord), and Saint Gabriel comes down to accept it. He dies the true Knight, and thus is taken to Paradise.

The Knights Code of Chivalry described in the Song of Roland do Show a loyalty to Church and King, but it is worth noting that this version of the Knights Code, does not revolve entirely around combat or battle.

To protect the weak and defenceless

To give succour to widows and orphans

To refrain from the wanton giving of offence

To live by honour and for glory

To despise pecuniary reward

To fight for the welfare of all

To obey those placed in authority

To guard the honour of fellow knights

To eschew unfairness, meanness and deceit

To fear God and maintain His Church

To serve the liege lord in valour and faith

To keep faith

At all times to speak the truth

To persevere to the end in any enterprise begun

To respect the honour of women

Never to refuse a challenge from an equal

Never to turn the back upon a foe

The ‘Song of Roland’ characterizes the 8th century Knights of the Dark Ages and the battles fought by the founding father of the Holy Roman Empire, Charlemagne. This is why the code is sometimes called Charlemagne’s Code of Chivalry. The Song of Roland describes the betrayal of Count Roland at the hand of Ganelon, and the sanguinary death of Charlemagne’s most loyal defender.

Although there is little historical evidence regarding Count Roland, his memory lives on romanticized in stories throughout Europe, with many countries laying claim to such a great hero.

#3 Remember this Guy?

Charge!

One of the greatest military strategists of all time.

What about who defeated him?

"I Take the Credit for Defeating Napoleon!"

No it wasn’t the Duke of Wellington who took down Napoleon….. It was this dude….his right hand man.

#3 Talleyrand

"Speech was given to man to disguise his thoughts."

Talleyrand was there to stay. He was survived before and after Napoleon, and while Napoleon ruled, talleyrand was his right hand man. On taking his oath of allegiance to King Louis Phillipe, Talleyrand remarked, “Well, sire, that makes my thirteenth.”)

If you have not heard the story of Napoleon’s great escape from his banishment to the Prison Island Elba, here is a brief synopsis.
Napoleon received word that France was desperate to have their old leader back. So desperate that people on the outside had managed to find a way to help him escape past the British ships surrounding the island of Elba and return him to France with a group of his men.

Allured by the feelings of importance, and reverence, the former Emperor took the offer and escaped on to a secret ship back to his homeland. When he arrived he began his march on the Capital with his small band of troops. It did not stay a small band of troops for long though. When the news of Napoleon’s landing spread, he began to assimilate people from all over France into his march until he was finally cut off from the current Army itself. To avoid a possible civil war, Napoleon is said to have approached the men of the opposing French Army and unbuttoned his shirt and vest wide open saying something along the lines of “If the Blood of a Frenchman should be spilled, let it be the blood of your Emperor” Napoleon’s show of bravery and charisma were enough to win over the French troops and Napoleon once again found himself wearing the Emperor’s hat.

Little did he know, the minister who betrayed and conspired against him (Talleyrand) was actually the one who set him free.

Why would he do this?

Talleyrand knew that France was in ruin and that Napoleon would certainly lead France to war should he return to power. He was never comfortable with the short distance of Napoleon and felt he should be bannished farther away that the island of Elba. By freeing Napoleon he was able to set him up for defeat in Waterloo at the hands of the Duke of Wellington, who happened to know Napoleon’s divide and conquer strategy intimately.

Of course, if Napoleon had have won in Waterloo, Talleyrand would have been considered the savior who set Napoleon free in the first place, which probably would have put him back into the Emperor’s favor anyway.

#4 Remember this Guy?

"Death is the solution to all problems. No man - no problem. "

Yeah, most people do. So much in fact that they forget about this dude:

#4 Krushchev

" I want to talk to these people because they stay in power and you change all the time. "

Right hand man to Joseph Stalin. He was born on Apr. 17 (N.S.), 1894, in a mud hut in the village of Kalinovka, Kursk province. As a young boy, Khrushchev worked long hours in the coal mines. Who knew one day he would lead an entire nation?

After the Death of Stalin Krushchev relaxed censorship somewhat, allowing some dissident intellectuals, like Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn, to publish previously suppressed works. He was the first soviet leader to travel to the USA. where he built commercial and cultural ties between east and west.

It can also be argued that he protected Cuba’s independence during the Cuban missle Crisis. After the failed US invasion of Cuba during the Bay of Pigs, Castro began attempting to create weapons of mass destruction on Cuban soil. After a tense and lengthy period called the Cuban Missle Crisis, Krushchev agreed that he would not place missles on Cuban soil in exchange for president Kennedy’s agreement that he would not invade Cuba again.

Perhaps Ahead of his time, Khrushchev’s insistence on “peaceful coexistence” with the capitalist West may have contributed to a rupture with the Communist government of China, who are now 50 years later embracing a similar point of view. His name may not carry the same recognition as Stalin’s, but his mark on the future world will most likely be better received.

#5 Remember this guy?

"A good head and a good heart are always a formidable combination. "

Of course you do, he spent his whole life fighting appartiade, mostly from his prison cell. However, he couldn’t have done it without this guy:

#5 Walter Sisulu

"An Eye for and Eye and a Tooth for a Tooth"

Who was the right hand man at his side for over 50 Years

“an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.”

Born on 18 May 1912 in the village of Qutubeni in the Engcobo district of Transkei, South Africa. Walter Sisulu was no slouch. As Champion Stick Figher from the Age of 10 he possed the physical toughness that was only outmatched by his intellect.

Early in his career he worked varied occupations from dairy worker, to miner, to baker, to advertising agent, before setting up a small real estate agency himself.

In 1940 he joined the African National Congress (ANC) and in 1941 he met the soon to be famous Nelson Mandela. He loaned Mansela the money to finish law school and arranged employment for him with a lawyer in Johannesburg.

In 1948 The National Party was voted into power and along with the apartheid system that would have Sisulu and Mandela fighting for the next 50 years. The following year Sisulu would close his realestate agency and become a full time ANC party organizer. In 1952 the ANC would call upon the government to repeal all unjust laws and stages mass rallies and strikes that attract thousands of suppoerters. The Governement designates Sisulu as a statutory communist ans sentences him to nine months imprisonment. Sisulu spoke the following words before his sencetence

“I wish to make this solemn vow and in full appreciation of the consequences it entails. As long as I enjoy the confidence of my people, and as long as there is a spark of life and energy in me, I shall fight with courage and determination for the abolition of discriminatory laws and for the freedom of all South Africans irrespective of colour or creed.”

He would get arrested again in 1956 for High treason with Mandela, Tambo, and 153 others. He would be cleared on the charges in 1961 only to be arressted six more times that year. However, it was in 1963 that Sisulu got into his most ominous circumstance yet. Sisulu and Mandela stand during the Rivonia Trial and face the death penalty. In 1964 both Sisulu and Mandela, along with six others are convicted and sentenced to life imprisonment in a former leper colony.

Refusing to be bowed, they begin teaching the other inmates about the history of the apartheid. The prison would later be known as the “Nelson Mandela University”. “We were united as prisoners,” Sisulu later says of his time in jail, “And we were determined to unite South Africa. That sustained us.”

The ANC would continue Fighting for the next 27 years until Sisulus release in Oct 1989 and Mandela’s in February of 1990. On January 8 1992 Sisulu would be awarded ‘Isithwalandwe Seaparankoe’, the ANC’s highest honour. A new constitution would be set up guarantying “equality before the law and equal protection of the law, and the ANC would win back the homeland they had lost 30 years prior.

Sisulu would later retire due to illness, but he was not forgotten. His eulogy would be read by Archbishop Desmond Tutu who said, “I want to declare loud and clear that after a life so exemplary, so inspiring … we are filled with deep thankfulness. … We have come to celebrate a wonderful life poured out so unselfishly on behalf of others.”

Sources:

48 Laws of power Robert Greene
Civilian control of the military: the changing security environment
By Michael Charles Desch Pg 71
Talleyrand
By Duff Cooper
The story of Roland
By James Baldwin
Alexander Hamilton
By Ron Chernow
Khrushchev: the man and his era
By William Taubman

We all have fears. Jason Vorhees, one of the most feared killers in Hollywood cinema, was known to be hydrophobic (afraid of water). Of course this was probably due to the fact that he drowned in crystal lake only to be awoken with a conveniently place machete by his side. So maybe hes a little pissed off too. The point is, his fear of water was logical, but also illogical he was able to walk from crystal lake to Manhattan under water, so he is probably impervious to drowning.

Either way, most of our fears are based on illogical ideation. Here are a few that seem to go a little beyond “just illogical”

Hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia,

Wheel of Fortune

As its name suggests, is the fear of long words. Now, we don’t actually know anyone whose been attacked by a sesquipedalia, but there is always a first time. The book “pseudo-city” by Harlan Wilson tells the story of a masochistic person with Hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia curled up in an alleyway whispering “Antidisestablismentarianism” to himself repeatedly, experiencing one orgasm every three hours as a result from the pain. In this way we can see how the fear might be logical after all, but we still wonder, what would it take to make someone afraid of long words?

Metrophobia or “The Fear of Poetry”.

For anyone who is familiar with the hitchhikers guide to the galaxy they know that it is imperative that you never allow a vogon to read you poetry under any circumstances. It is believed that the listening to a Vogon’s poetry is do discomforting it can be used as a form of torture to extract information, so we guess it is possible that someone could have had a bad enough experience with poetry that it might cause a phobia. It is also possible that they ran into “V” who has been known to recite a few lines before he slices you into pieces.

“Voila! In view humble vaudevillian veteran, cast vicariously as both victim and villain by the vicissitudes of fate. This visage, no mere veneer of vanity, is a vestige of the “vox populi” now vacant, vanished. However, this valorous visitation of a bygone vexation stands vivified, and has vowed to vanquish these venal and virulent vermin, van guarding vice and vouchsafing the violently vicious and voracious violation of volition.” – V. From V for Vendetta

Pogonophobia

It that a baby in his hand or a doll?

Pogonophobia, is not actually the fear of the Taliban. It is more precisely “The Fear of beards.” Now perhaps if someone was abused by Santa Clause at an early enough age, they might get a little beardophobic (we like the term beardophobic better)

There has not been enough testing done in this area to determine if people with pogonophobia are afraid of Goats or other bearded animals or if the phobia only afflicts those afraid of human beards. Perhaps a cure might be finding a circus and going out on a few dates with the bearded lady. Unless of course this is what caused the pogonophobia in the first place.

Atelophobia

The Avatar of Borg Perfection

Even the half human half Borg avatar of physical and mental fitness was known to have a fear or two. Seven of Nine’s human fears may have come right out of an Edgar Allen Poe novel, but the fear from her Borg side was definitely Atelophobia, or the fear of imperfection.

Can you say High Maintenance? One way to solve this type of fear is to turn it into anger. This can usually be achieved by asking atelophobic person something like, “Perfect to who?”

Phobophobia.

Yes the most illogical of all fears has to be phobophobia, or “The Fear of Fear” Although illogical, phobophobia can be very powerful in that being afraid causes the person to be even more afraid, which can cause the person to be even more afraid. As Franklin Roosevelt said, “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself “ We guess some people took him a little more seriously than others.

Ever leave your lunch in the fridge only to have some thieving bastard steal it from you? Thievery is not a new idea. The desire to work less and get more is just as prevalent in the “innocent” animal kingdom as it is in our own sinful human realm.

There is a scientific name for these thieving bastards of nature and that is “Kleptoparasite” in that they support a take, take relationship over one of give and take. (Essentially parasites who steal.)Some are organized slave drivers, others are Trojan horse invaders and the rest just outright Thieving Bastards.

#6 Amazon Ants

What they Steal:

If you’ve ever seen that episode of Futurama where they get caught by Amazons and forced into “snu snu” slavery, you’ll be familiar with the Polyergus or “Slave-Raiding Amazon Ants” Unfortunately, for the ant slaves, the polyergus don’t practice snu snu…They steal the babies of others.

Why They Do it:

We generally think of Ants as the hard working builders of the underground epitomized in the Disney movie line “Ants don’t need Grasshoppers, Grasshoppers need Ants!” Unfortunately, the Amazon ant has reversed this. They’ve become so profitable at pirating and enslavement that they have lost all their behavioral wiring and can no longer carry out even the most rudimentary parenting jobs, let alone feed themselves.

The “Slave Raiding Ants” exist solely as a an evil baby stealing caste. The babies are considered “slaves” in scientific and popular literature, and the ants are described as the “social parasites” of their hosts.

Because they get the babies before they hatch, the host ant believes they are part of the mixed species colony and go on to nurse, forage, and perform regular up keeping duties.

How do they do it?

An Amazon Queen barges in to the colony of a different ant species and “moves in” with the current hosting queen. If there are sufficient slaves ready to work, the Amazon Queen will kill the host queen immediately, otherwise the occupying queen is allowed to survive until she has raised enough workers.

Of course, the worker ants die off a lot, and as such, there is a need to “recruit more meat for the grinder” This is done by conducting regular raids that science TV has sensationalized as blood baths. However, in most cases the parents just run away and let their young get stolen.

#5 Bees Nomadinae

These Busy Bee Bastards all share the lovely trait of sending there women into someones pad when no ones home, where she then deposits here eggs into the unsuspecting host’s wall. Later, this pleasant child wakes up with specially designed mandibles that they use to kill the other sleeping children in the nest.

Nice

Why do they do it?

As parasites, they lack a pollen carrying apparatus. So they justify their behavior as a means of survival.

Now that you don’t feel so sorry for bees, we can show you these thieving bastards:

#4 Giant Japanese Hornets

"If I were a green hornet you wouldn't hate me!"

Each year in Japan, the human death toll caused by Asian giant hornet stings exceeds that of all other venomous and non-venomous wild animals combined. This stat includes attacks from wild bears and venomous snakes.

But bees are pretty tough right? I bet a hive of 30,000 bees could take out 30 of these pesky hornets!.

Uhhh, Lets put it this way:

Now another wonderful trait about the Japanese Giant Hornet is that after it stings you, the venom it leaves behind has 8 distinct chemicals that cause tissue damage. Most importantly however, the venom carries a chemical odor that attracts other hornets to its victim. so you can plan on getting stung more than once by the hornet’s friends. As well, the chemical “acetylcholine” actually stimulates pain nerve fibers that intensify the pain from the stings these bastards dish out.

Don’t worry though, the hornets generally prefer to crush the heads of their victims rather than sting them.

#3 Spider Theridiidae

"I'm Not upside down, you are!"

Although fully capable of creating its own web, the Dewdrop Spiders prefer to let others do the home building and hunting for them. They are able to mimic the host spiders movements so that their presence goes undetected. Generally they will raid the fridge of the host spider while the host is wrapping up the catch of the day for another time.

Now, the dew drop spider doesn’t steal all the food, it usually leaves enough for the host to survive and continue catching meals. Of course, from time to time if the dewdrop spider is hungry enough, the host spider may find themselves on the menu

#2 Deaths Head Moth

"ChaaaaapppppStiiiiiiickkkk!" - Mothman Prophecies

It is said that if you piss off a Deaths Head Moths it will scream at you with a large threaten squeaking noise from its pharynx, while flashing off its brightly colored abdomen. Of course its all show. You don’t have to worry about the reprisal of the Deaths Head Moth unless you are a member of the bee family. Unfortunately if you are a bee, then you can bet this thieving bastard will be raiding your hard earned honey.

How do they get away with it?

They wear a special fragrance. No, its not made by Channel or Calvin Klein. It is adapted from evolution specifically to mimic the scent of the honey bee. This allows them to move about the hive unmolested by potentially stinging bees.
And no, we don’t recommend covering yourself in honey and raiding a bee hive to see if it works. It doesn’t, we already tried it. (okay we watched someone else do it, but it still counts)

We were Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs before we learned what a Cuckoo Bird Does!

#1 The Cuckoo Bird

Monogamy may be the only admirable trait these birds have. What is it that these cuckoos do that is so disgraceful you ask? Well….

They like to lay their eggs in the nests of other birds. Of course the cuckoo’s eggs hatch first and have a tendency to throw the other babies and or eggs out of the nest to their death, which is disgraceful even for us.

Once they are the only birds in the nest, the cuckoo sends out constant whines in a rapid begging call that has the nest mother frantically bringing back food for the murderer of her real children.

"Why doesn't my baby look like me?"

Now, should the mother get suspicious and start to wonder “Is my child really a Reed Warbler Bird or just some imposter?” The Cuckoos real mother has been known to return to the scene of the crime to enforce the enslavement of the surrogate mother bird until she fulfills her new duties in raising the baby Cuckoo

Although this list is not meant to show any sort of hierarchy, stealing the home’s of unborn children, baby killing, and enslaving mourning mothers gives the Cuckoo Bird the number #1 spot on Daft Gadget’s list of the Biggest Thieving Bastards in Nature.