A Note Before We Begin: The central irony of this show is that they call it Main Event despite the fact that the show is obviously the modern incarnation of Jakked. So, just to add a little extra interest to these reports, I thought I’d keep track of how close all the matches on the show, combined, come to equalling one legit main event. You’ll see how it works as we progress.

WWE

Best: The Besuited Superman

Cesaro came out wearing a f*cking swank suit to do commentary on the opening match, and, as you might expect, he tore the commentary house down. Based on the fact that they teamed him up with Paul Heyman for a while and rarely give him a microphone, somebody in WWE clearly doesn’t think Cesaro can talk, which is as absurd and baseless as all the other “issues” they’ve had with Cesaro. Well, aside from the nipples — those things are kind of hypnotic.

Cesaro verbally Lesnar-ing Byron Saxton when he dared to call him Swedish was choice, and he thankfully shut Michael Cole down cold whenever he started pestering him to speak in one a’ them crazy foreign tongues of his, like knowing five languages is some sort of dog trick. He even provided interesting commentary on the match, giving solid advice on how to beat Sheamus using examples from when he himself fought him. If Cesaro decides to pull a Tazz, stop caring, gain 50-pounds and just commentate full time I’ll, well, actually I’d be pretty okay with that.

Worst: The Actual Match

Oh right, there was also a match happening when Cesaro was saying funny things. Uh, what can you say about a Sheamus/Curtis Axel match in 2014? It was fine, and Curtis Axel got more offense than I thought he would, but Sheamus could have rolled around with a Wrestling Buddy for 10-minutes and achieved the same result.

Main Event Status: Does Curtis Axel add or actually detract from Sheamus’ star power? We’ll say this was a .25 on the main event scale.

WWE

Triple H seems pretty jazzed about this match.

Worst: The Rematch

Brandon already covered it pretty thoroughly, but ugh. The main event of SummerSlam was perfect — any additions or rematches can only sully it. Also, if Cena’s SummerSlam performance earns him another title shot, they may as well dig up Zach Gowen and make it a three way.

WWE

Best: NIKKI Bella

So, Nikki Bella’s first match as a heel was actually…pretty good? A lot of that was thanks to Emma I’m sure (she’s still with us!) but the Bellas are definitely more at home as heels. You’re allowed be completely oblivious and un-self-aware as a heel. Nikki can do absurd muscle-mag pose, butt-flaunting headlocks and it works because she’s supposed to be a ridiculous, self-absorbed person. Also, I have to say, that new forearm Nikki’s throwing ain’t half bad. Also also, I will continue to go on record as saying Nikki is the more attractive Bella. So yeah, consider me firmly on Team Stupid Baseball Cap.

Main Event Status: Well, based on the promotion, Brie Bella/Steph was the co-main of SummerSlam, and Nikki was as big a part of that match as Triple H was, so Nikki is now a bigger deal than Triple H. Well, okay, maybe I’m going a little far there. Still, this being Nikki’s first match since turning and all, I’ll give it a 10%.

Why is Michael Cole trying to ruin our special little show? The only announcers and commentators more annoying than Cole and Saxton are JBL and Alex Riley.

My favorite part of the show was
Rollins: “…but not tonight”
Crowd: BOOO
Rollins: “I’ll fight you on SmackDown!”
Crowd: Cheers (Yeah, we get to see that in a couple of hours, since this is a SmackDown! taping!!!)

I want this to be a running thing. I want Renee standing between 2 increasingly more gigantic men each week. Next week, I want her between Khali and … uhh… Kane. The following week we’ll have to start inventing people taller than Khali.

First of all, I also “like” Nikki (like is a big word) better than Brie, so you’re not alone. She’d be very pretty if her boobs weren’t so disproportionate. As it stands, she’s regular pretty. But I’m a straight girl so maybe I don’t see the appeal of big boobs the way I should.

Second of all: NO NO NO NO! As decent as Cesaro is on commentary he belong in the ring forever because he’s superhuman and he’ll wrestle like a god until he’s in his late 60s. (I will gladly welcome the occasional commentary in a hot suit though.)

1. Cesaro looking at the title and then casually flipping in to Sheamus in the ring with the most clear IDGAF was amazing. He’s still the boss of the world, and WWE is gonna have to work overtime to destroy him.

2. Nikki Bella…might be good at this? I don’t know, but there was a moment where she’s got Emma in a headlock and the crowd is chanting “YOU SOLD OUT” to the woman whose sister’s actions caused her to get beat up, and then she just rolls her eyes all “Ugh…whatever.” One of my issues with the Bellas is that they’re basically robot dolls. Showing actual, somewhat realistic emotions and actions goes a long way. It’s a small touch, but I applaud it. Not to mention getting behind Brie in this feud is still damn near impossible.

3. Slater and Titus after El Torito and Hornswaggle knocked Slater out of the ring: AW HELL NO! And now I can’t decide wherer I loved Slater Gator or Cesaro more.