Thanks to everyone who gave me advice on my first post. For the past week, I've been trying to focus on myself and my work and not care about my ex and my boss who's dating her. It worked pretty well, I started a painting and I'm pretty close to finishing it and I impressed my boss boss (the professor who owns the lab, not the one dating my ex) by staying late for two days in a row to finish a really difficult experiment. During our lab meeting, my boss boss shouted me out in front of the entire lab and said he was really impressed by my hard-work and dedication. That felt good.

As for the situation with my boss and my ex, he found out. Like I mentioned in my previous post, when my ex told me who her new boyfriend was, I didn't mention that he was my boss so neither of them knew. Two days ago, my boss and us (two other undergrads) were in a conference room discussing a paper when my ex came in. She came to drop off my boss's wallet that I think he forgot or something. Anyway, she saw me, did a double-take and went, "Jaaaake?!". She was definitely super surprised and caught off-guard and her boss was already like "wtf" so I was just like, "heeeyy 'Sarah'". She shot me another shocked wide-eyed look and left. Suffice to say the rest of the meeting was pretty awkward.

The next day, it was obvious that my boss now knew our history. Things just turned so awkward. Like he didn't now how to act around me anymore and what to say. Now we're both awkward around each other. He's still nice and all but things are just uncomfortable between us two now. It's not his fault though. I think that things will get better between the two of us but as of right now, I actually feel kind of relieved that he now knows. Something about how both of us now don't know how to act and what to do kind of makes me feel reassured.

"Sarah" also called me the night that she found out I worked there but I missed her call and forgot to call back. It's good though, I've been trying to think of her less and distance myself a bit.

But if things continue to remain really awkward to the point where both of our work is affected, I'll consider talking to my boss boss about switching me to work under another grad student instead.

But yea, that's about all. Again, thanks for the help guys.

TL;DR: Been focusing on myself and my work. Boss found out that I'm his girlfriend's ex and things are now awkward but bearable.

As for the situation with my boss and my ex, he found out. Like I mentioned in my previous post, when my ex told me who her new boyfriend was, I didn't mention that he was my boss so neither of them knew. Two days ago, my boss and us (couple of undergrads who work under him) were in a conference room discussing a paper when my ex came in. She came to drop off my boss's wallet that I think he forgot or something. Anyway, she saw me, did a double-take and went, "Jaaaake?!". She was definitely super surprised and caught off-guard and her boss was already like "wtf" so I was just like, "heeeyy 'Sarah'". She shot me another shocked wide-eyed look and left. Suffice to say the rest of the meeting was pretty awkward.

Thanks to everyone who gave me advice on my first post. For the past week, I've been trying to focus on myself and my work and not care about my ex and my boss who's dating her. It worked pretty well, I started a painting and I'm pretty close to finishing it and I impressed my boss boss (the one who owns the lab, not the one dating my ex) by staying late for two days in a row to finish a really difficult experiment. During our lab meeting, my boss boss shouted me out in front of the entire lab and said he was really impressed by my hard-work and dedication. That felt good.

The next day, it was obvious that my boss now knew our history. Things just turned so awkward. Like he didn't now how to act around me anymore and what to say. Now we were both awkward around each other. He's still nice and all but things are just uncomfortable between us two now. It's not his fault though. I think that things will get better between the two of us but as of right now, I actually feel kind of relieved that he now knows. Something about how both of us now don't know how to act and what to do kind of makes me feel reassured.

I applied for the job after we broke up and never mentioned it to her so I guess she never found out.

Makes sense. Still don’t really understand her motivation for calling you after the initial reveal. Maybe she’s just more emotional/drama inclined.

I don’t have animosity with all but one of my exes....but i think there’s difference between being civil and mature and being friends. I’ve never been inclined to do the latter.

I’ve seen only a small handful of my friend’s relationships come from a mutual understanding of “we’re great to one another just not in romantic love” so that the ensuing friendship is natural.

I see a lot of my break ups as a result of behavior that would be pretty shitty from a friend. So i’m not inclined to pursue much of a friendship with the later. Not to mention the difficulty that arises in future relationships when you’re still maintaining some relationship with an ex. I prefer to avoid that.

I see what you’re saying, but that’s not exactly how i would picture their friendship. In his original OP, his first feeling when finding out she was dating and who was like”being stabbed in the heart”...indicating to me this is not as natural a friendship as they profess.

I think re-evaluating the friendship was a good call. His entire first post outlines how this discovery was filled with anguish and self doubt. Was she not interested in contacting him then, by the way? They’re supposed to be friends and you would think that she should be concerned. Or maybe she had an idea that he was not doing well with the knowledge that she was dating again.

I can see the possibility of her thinking that phone call was necessary, but overall I just think it was the best route for OP to take to not contact her. He needed to give himself some space.

As a grad student who used to work in a lab as an undergrad, I will add to keep it friendly and professional with your boss, because ultimately he is the one who will be writing your letter of recommendation. PIs rarely ever write letters for lab assistants, typically it’s the graduate student you worked with who does it. So impressing the PI, while awesome and important, still isn’t as important as getting along well with the graduate student.

But you’re handling it all well and I’d bet money that it will all work out and become less awkward with time. I’d even say that with how you’re handling it, come Christmas everything will be back to normal.

you're definitely right. I'll be needing his LOC. In the beginning, we were getting along really well and I was probably closest with him out of the team. Now it's definitely more awkward but we'll get past it, I'm sure. I'll continue to be nice and professional and do my best at work.

Thank you for the really good advice!

you're definitely right. I'll be needing his LOC. In the beginning, we were getting along really well and I was probably closest with out of the team. Now it's definitely more awkward but we'll get past it, I'm sure. I'll continue to be nice and professional and do my best at work.

It’s almost always the case. Of course the letter is in the PI’s name, but the graduate student or post doc who worked with the lab assistant is the one who actually writes the letter. They’re the ones who worked with the lab assistant, so naturally, they’re the ones who can speak to that person’s work. The PI can’t give a detailed account because they typically don’t work directly with a lab assistant.

That was the case with my own letters as an undergrad, and now that I’m a grad student, that has always been the case with every lab assistant who has worked in the lab. PIs usually only write letters for their own grad students and post-docs that they work closely with.

Unless you worked directly with the PI (principal investigator, which isn’t the same as, say, a professor who taught your class), that is highly unusual. In OP’s case, I’d bet money that the letter would be written by the graduate student and signed by the PI.

Anyone can write a letter of recommendation, but a strong letter has detail and specific examples that demonstrate why the person says what they do. If the only interaction you have with a PI is at the weekly lab meeting where (s)he tells you “nice job Joe,” then (s)he isn’t going to be able to write a strong letter.

I meant in general. Be the better man. Move on from the girlfriend. Shrug off the awkwardness. Work hard. Excel himself and distinguish himself so that people see him for who he is, and not for the situation that surrounds him. Don’t turn it into a dick-measuring contest. All of which I am very sure OP is capable of doing.

I'm so confused when I see advice like this. OP and "Sarah" are on good terms, share a mutual friend group, and she's dating his boss, so she might even be around his workplace at times. OP has already created the distance needed to heal. Is there any reason to go no contact with her in particular? Or do you advise going no contact with every ex? I'm good friends, or at least friendly, with almost all of my exes, and that's been very healthy for me. I date people because I like them as people, I don't think everyone needs to ditch valuable friends because the romantic component of a relationship is over.

Personally I prefer to go no contact because I feel insincere if I begin treating an ex as if nothing happened between us. I treat my romantic interests differently then my friends, because they are the people I can share myself above and beyond and vice-versa they are people who have shared themselves to me at their fullest.

To begin treating them as simply a friend would make me feel like what happened in the past was nothing at all. And that the right thing to do is to (whether the breakup is mutual or one-sided) go no-contact. To respect them and myself.

I am not saying this to dissuade you from your perspective as I'm sure it works for you and is just as valid.

Totally get where you’re coming from, but just because that’s what’s best for you doesn’t mean every other person should be advised to do so. This situation in particular doesn’t really seem to warrant it.

I've seen a lot of young guys go awry trying to be good friends with quite recent exes. They'll say they've come to terms and are moved on but in reality they're hoping to recapture a bit of that non platonic intimacy they are missing.

I am glad you're doing better, but if he's working at the University, which you and your ex attend, then it is 100% his fault he's running into awkward social situations when he dates undergrads. Even if she isn't a student, she's 19, who does he think she socializes with at that age? Only professors and researchers??

Probably a dating app, honestly, but I don't see why he wouldn't filter her out based on her age. I hope this experience teaches him to avoid dating undergrads at his school. It shouldn't have been far from his mind as a possibility his teenaged girlfriend's social circle could intersect with his work in one way or another. I think it was pretty unprofessional of him to date an undergrad in the first place, and if he does it again he might be sleazier than he seemed on first impression.

There's a difference between a grad student and an undergrad. As OP's situation illustrates, graduate students are often employed by the university in supervisory and teaching roles above undergraduates. Because this is a science laboratory, it's quite likely this guy is a PhD student, who is directly employed by the school and teaching courses.

Isn't OP also directly employed by the school? What about undergrad TAs? I think you're taking this a bit too seriously. OP and his boss just need to have a short convo to clear it up and all is well. It's not op's boss's responsibility to not make OP jealous. Obviously I'd disagree if the boss was also the boss of his girlfriend, but given that they're not, I don't see what the deal is.

I’m well aware there’s a difference as I have been an undergraduate student, a graduate student, and in the near future a PhD student. Would I find a problem with the grad student dating someone in the lab he helped managed, yes, but a random student, no.

Edit: as a grad student, I helped teach two courses in my department. I would never date a student in my courses. But your implying that if I dated any student (as a student) outside my courses that, that’s somehow wrong?

Edit: as a grad student, I helped teach two courses in my department. I would never date a student in my courses. But your implying that if I dated any student (as a student) outside my courses, department, etc that, that’s somehow wrong?

I never said "wrong," I said unprofessional. Because it's shitting (ie socially mixing) where you eat (work, in a direct position of authority). The problem is that you're mingling with a category (undergrads) of people that you will only ever mix with otherwise as a superior (TA, work supervisor, etc.). It's unprofessional for the same reason it's unprofessional for a professor to date students, or just stay too late at undergrad parties. You're diminishing your professional appearance, and risking your professional capacity (like this very case with the dude getting all awkward and weird to OP).

The problem isn't that it's inevitable you'll mix with your romantic partner as a student, or their friends as students or team members. It's that it's always a risk. And I for one just don't see what the big benefit of dating 19-year-olds would be that would outweigh that risk.

By that logic, undergraduate students who are employed by the university (for which there are many) wouldn’t be able to date other students because that makes them unprofessional?

In my six years as a student/employee and currently as just an employee of a university, I’ve seen the situation of a student who is an employee dating other students or another student employee countless times. As a professional employee of a university, I and my coworkers don’t think a graduate or undergraduate student is any less professional because of it. This is a complete non-issue.

If anything your boss probably feels embarrassed that he’s dating the girl that his 19 year old subordinate dated. That probably feels slightly imasculating to him if he enjoyed feeling powerful over you. The ‘he has got your leftovers’ mentality if you will. Sounds like you are killing it and doing everything right! Keep up the positive attitude and hard work, thanks for the update.

Also why is a 24 year old man dating a girl who’s not even 20 yet. That’s embarrassing on it own. She can’t even go out with him for drinks or if his friends are at a bar she can’t join. It’s not in the creepy territory but it’s in the lame older guy having to date a girl that’s probably too young for him territory.

Yeah when I was in grad school there was a guy who waited one week after he was done teaching a lab to start dating one of his undergrads. None of the other grad students associated with him after that. It may not be wrong persay but it just feels super skeevy.

I guarantee he does feel awkward that someone now knows he's dating a 19 yr old. Dating undergrads is a pretty frequent topic of discussion among grad students. He knows he's being silently judged. Back when i worked around grad students the term "cradle robbing" popped up a lot. In the big scheme of things, 4-5 yrs age difference isn't a big deal...at least when you get older. But when you're in your early 20s it seems like a bigger deal because the difference in mental growth/maturity is also a lot bigger.

Does he though? I’m honestly trying to figure this out. I think who ever takes it has the upper hand. In one way OP could act as if the guy is getting his left overs on the other boss could be like” hey I’m dicked your girl last night.

This is the first thing I thought too. He also probably sees OP as being much younger than him. Realizing that OP dated his girlfriend really hits home that Sarah and him (the boss) are at completely different stages of their life. As a grad student I could never see myself dating an undergrad.

Idk, if I were you I'd just have a quick serious convo. I don't see the point in waiting and hoping it clears up. Even if it does it's still unresolved. Just pull him aside and tell him that this shouldn't affect work stuff and that there's nothing to worry about. Otherwise your boss will never know how you feel, and will always wonder whether you are jealous or if you hate him. Clear this shit up for your sake as well as his.

Hey buddy, you may want to do one thing to cover your ass. Go tell your boss's boss that your boss is dating your ex, and that it isn't a problem for you, you just wanted to let him know. You don't know your boss that well yet. He's feeling awkward. He might be an asshole. He might be very insecure (he's a grown man dating a 19 year old... That's a very big five year gap, much greater than 35 to 29* and when you look back on this when you're 24, you'll see just how true that is), and it's very possible that he'll come after your job. Romantic entanglements can really fuck shit up at work. Imagine being an insecure guy, seeing the guy that used to fuck your girl at work everyday, and having the power to do something about it.

Edit: typo

Hey buddy, you may want to do one thing to cover your ass. Go tell your boss's boss that your boss is dating your ex, and that it isn't a problem for you, you just wanted to let him know. You don't know your boss that well yet. He's feeling awkward. He might be an asshole. He might be very insecure (he's a grown man dating a 19 year old... That's a very big five year gap, much greater than 35 to 19, and when you look back on this when you're 24, you'll see just how true that is), and it's very possible that he'll come after your job. Romantic entanglements can really fuck shit up at work. Imagine being an insecure guy, seeing the guy that used to fuck your girl at work everyday, and having the power to do something about it.

I actually agree with this. He may be insecure that a 19 year old subordinate was with his girlfriend first. That alone is embarrassing enough to make the situation awkward for him, so he may think to ease the situation for himself by getting rid of OP's presence in the lab.

OP should definitely let the lab PI know that he has this sticky situation, and that it doesn't bother him, and it will not effect his work, but he did not want it to be a secret.

i agree with everything everyone’s saying but what’s so bad about their age gap lmao i’m friends with people who are 5 years older than me (f 20) and there really isn’t that much of a difference between them and friends of my age

The age gap isn't a problem but in an academic setting the mentality is not the same. I can definitely tell that my 19 year old students have not passed the barrier where they hold themselves accountable for their own failures and successes. They are still entitled; a mindset that originated from the fact that they did not have to work very hard to do well in high school.

Obviously there are exceptions to the rule, but I haven't found many in my experiences as a graduate student.

The age gap isn't a problem but in an academic setting the mentality is not the same. I can definitely tell that my 19 year old students have not passed the barrier where they hold themselves accountable for their own failures in successes. They are still entitled; a mindset that originated from the fact that they did not have to work very hard to do well in high school.

Obviously there are exceptions to the rule, but I haven't found many in my experiences as a graduate student.

I’m a grad student around the same age as OPs boss and, while I was a mature and hardworking 19 year old, I’ve changed a lot as a person since then. I’ve dated more people and have learned a lot about what I want in a partner. I’ve also grown a lot professionally after multiple different jobs and internships. A five year age gap isn’t crazy, but a lot happens in the 5 years between high school and graduate school. I can’t see myself dating a 19 yo. I’ve seen it work, but that’s just my perspective.

OP, I missed your original post, but I thought of something that might help give you perspective.

Maybe it's because he's a major step-up from me. I'm a poor, disorganized undergrad and and he's a successful, young talent who has his shit together.

That's one way of looking at it. In your older thread a lot of people told not to think of it like that, which is also good advice, but here's a different approach... Maybe you're thinking of it like a competition, or maybe a game, like an RPG, and he's the "more powerful" character. But if you're thinking about it like that and the game started at 18, he's 5 levels ahead of you. You've got 1-2 years into adulthood, he's got 6, 3 times more. If it were a game/competition, there's simply no point in comparing a level 2 character against a level 6 character. You have to compare where he is today with where you are in 5 years.

Similarly, this same concept becomes a problem in relationships. Brief tangent then I'll bring this back to your situation; it relates directly. I'm a big fan of the age / 2 + 7 formula for dating. At 24, 19 is the absolute bottom end of who he should be dating. Why does this formula seem to work? Because starting at 14 (7 * 2), for every year of life you experience, the range of experiences people can go through doubles, as well as the ability to acquire skills, knowledge, and resources in life. For example a 30 year old likely has figured out what they like and don't like, been through some good and bad relationships, and have started or are starting a career; Them dating a 19 year old is inappropriate and fraught with problems because the 19 year old doesn't know what they want and hasn't had relationship experiences to help them be on the same level with the 30 year old.

Similarly, a 25 year old woman versus a 50 year old man is also inappropriate as the 50 year old is settled down, generally has substantial skills and resources/investments built up, and not a lot of time left to enjoy them before age takes its toll. The younger woman doesn't have a lot of ability to refuse things the older man wants, as the increased resources make her less equal in any disputes.

So now getting back to your situation, you're comparing yourself against someone many years ahead of you in life. His relationship with your ex isn't quite "inappropriate" using the formula, but only just barely. He's further ahead in life than both of you, something that may cause them issues if they stay together. But you have a lot of time left. At some point the tables will be flipped with someone else - You'll be the older one who is years ahead. Does that make you better than them? In terms of comparing raw skills, accomplishments, and resources, maybe? But not necessarily when comparing you against them at the same age.

So stop comparing yourself at 19 to your boss at 24. Compare yourself at 19 to where he was at 19, if you're going to compare at all. And be mindful that you will find someone that makes you very happy; You've literally just started your dating life, it is highly highly unlikely that you ALREADY found the best girl you'll ever date. Look up the secretary problem (aka the marriage proposal problem) on wikipedia if you want some perspective on THAT, from a hard-numbers perspective.

Your comparison is great and it gave me perspective. You're right, I shouldn't be comparing myself to a guy who's got five years of life on me. Sure he's successful and all that but I could be there in five years too.

I guess at the time I just saw him as her boyfriend, who just so happened to be better than me in a lot of aspects, and forgot to register that he's five years older than me lol.

Hey there! I just wanted to point out something to you. I am a very senior graduate student in a research lab and I would be horrified if any of the techs or undergrads referred to me as a their "boss." The graduate student is your mentor and probably really cares about your success and progress. Don't be too afraid to talk it out with them. As a graduate student he has no real authority over you. He can't fire you. Your real boss is the PI. If you're very uncomfortable then you can ask your PI to work with a different graduate student; although, I would be surprised if the graduate student actually cared about your previous relationships. He's probably more worried about you feeling uncomfortable.

Man, seems like letting Sarah know where you stand would serve to improve your working relationship with your boss. That unreturned call = ambiguity. It'll provoke a degree of anxiety/worry in her, which would affect the boss as well, and filter down to his interactions with you. One call to reassure her that while it's wildly awkward, there is no animosity. You can resume distancing yourself after, and it'll go to resolving the awkwardness at a quicker pace.

Dude honesty maybe you should just address the huge elephant in the room in a joking, but appropriate way! It would be hilarious and be much easier to work with after it it! You have nothing to lose and it's going to be awkward, unless something changes. If you liked your job and him before you both knew why quit? Continue to work on your own thing and won't bother you.

You could always approach your boss in an attempt to clear the air. Tell him what you have told us, that you don’t have feelings but have felt a little awkward. That you still respect him and enjoy your work, and that the work is your focus. That you’d like to stay where you are but if it might affect your work that maybe you should be moved.

You say that he seems like he has his shit together but you seem like you have yours together for a 19 year old. No one ever really “figures it out” we all just keep showing up every day, work hard and do the things that make us happy, and you seem to have already learned that and are on the path to continuing on that path. Good luck OP, seems like this is a great opportunity to grow as a person, keep on doing that.

But if things continue to remain really awkward to the point where both of our work is affected, I'll consider talking to my boss boss about switching me to work under another grad student instead.

I think at this point it might be worth clearing the air with your boss about this. From your original post it sounds like you two had a really good professional relationship before this situation arose. Now that he knows, you might as well have a conversation about it, just to let him know that you bear him no ill will about it and that you want to preserve your working relationship with him. It might help to diffuse some of the awkwardness so that you can both move past it. It’s definitely worth a shot before going to the step of asking your PI to switch your supervisor.

The reality is this kind of situation is a part of growing up. To be honest it doesn't really get "easier" but you get better at dealing with it as you grow and gain life experience. My advice is to be straight up and talk to him about it. After the conversation go back to cracking jokes and being friends. If he makes it ackward then obviously you did what you could and it's a fine to move on from the friendship guilt free.

You are only 19. I don’t say this to disparage your relationship but to re-assure you that just because you break up with someone doesn’t make you a failure or make the relationship a failure.

You learned things about what you want in a partner, what you want from yourself and what you want from a relationship.

Sarah is an imperfect person with agency and decision-making, with thoughts, feelings and desires. She isn’t a prize for “the best man” and you and your boss aren’t competing for her. The fact that she broke up with you and then started dating him doesn’t say anything about your relative value as people or as men.

Maybe they’ll break up too. Maybe they’ll be more compatible than the two of you were. Maybe the lessons Sarah learned when she was dating you plus a little bit more age and experience will mean she’s ready to commit to him when she wasn’t ready to commit to you.
That still doesn’t ~mean~ anything. Except that it is, or isn’t. Que Sera Sera my friend - Whatever will be will be.

I am the person who would see how awkward it is for both of us and literally just bust out Laughing at the situation. "I see you are shocked as well lol." Would probably makes things less awkward since both of yall are indeed shocked.

The great thing about a break up and getting over someone that nobody tells you is you get to be selfish with yourself and grow yourself by investing that time into something that's just yours, like work, a hobby or new experiences and it's nobody else's. After my biggest heartbreak, I got two promotions in a year and did more than I'd done in three.

It sounds like because you went from being together to being amicable and chill with each other, you didn't really get to process the breakup. Distancing yourself is the first part to doing that. Don't worry about hurting your friendship. If you we're truly friends, a little distance to focus on yourself will only clear the way to a great friendship later. Good luck.

The best motivators are fear and anger. I don't know which one you would fall under, but situations like this can either cause people to spiral downward or become the best version of themself. Keep doing what your doing. Stay busy!

A bit immature but one way to think about the situation is that you've already "been there did that" and perhaps now your boss is feeling a bit insecure that you know many very intimate details of his girlfriend. Doesn't sound like your boss is trying to be an asshole about things, but maybe this thought will help give you some confidence in that regard - to help overcome any lingering feelings you have.

I think it was a good thing that you didn't answer the phone call from your ex, she could have insulting you or kind of... I think the first option is You can just find an chance to tell your boss how you feel and ask him if you guys are cool? Anyways, please consider this: Idk if your ex is mean or not but in most case, it turns out she talk dirty about you to her boyfriend ( your boss ) sooner or later! and he is your BOSS mate. thus, your choice should be a good choice! Stay strong mate.

You handled the situation right, because neither one of you knew that it will happen it's just mean to happened but of course you have to prioritize and focus more on your work than think for the both of them, just do what is the right thing to do.

Good. I guess so, but be careful with Sarah the more she sees you the more likely you two would have sex once she has a fight with her boyfriend (your boss).

My best advice would be to look for another job or try to borrow a small loan from a private loaning firm or bank and try to start your own small business and grow it. You've got a job that will suffice, I know what I'm saying you wouldn't want to lose your job when HR is involved, if you get reported by your boss or he may have to sole power to fire you. Like I said be very careful around Sarah, I know what I'm saying, now she's calling you before you know it you two are hanging out & she's sharing her problems about her current(your boss) boyfriend then "WHAM BHAM" you two are in a motel banging your brains out. Take action now and find a new work place or start your own business you're never too young, good luck.

Why is a 24 year old man dating a girl who isn’t even 21 yet. Sure it’s all legal and not completely disgusting but it’s still lame as fuck to be a grown man dating a girl who can’t even buy a drink yet. Guys dating girls like that either can’t find anyone their own age or need an unbalanced power dynamic.

Remember not every 24 year old might be some successful grad student who is deep into work. Some people might have started college later and for all you know he could HAVE been academically on the same level as the 19 year old. It really isn’t a strict barrier with these age ranges.

Whenever a girl calls you, you assume she wants to see you by default. And since you guys broke up, you were never required to mention it to her. Also, do not chase her whether you want her back or not. Keep doing what you are doing. If she want to be back, she has to be single again first and she has to do all the callings and initiates.

You shouldn't. A bitch with a nut sack to do that to you, tells you one thing, she's a hoe. You should be walking around with your head high, and telling everyone about the pussy your boss has and the nut sack on your ex hoe.