I Can't Stop

I have had suicidal thoughts for just about as long as I can remember and have never told anyone how bad it really gets. I'm in my mid 30s and over time those thoughts have only gotten worse and more frequent. It has gotten to the point now that my "good" days are very few and far between. My whole life, I seem to have had a big target on my back for every horrible person around me. I want to believe in people again, and I try so hard to trust, but I can't stop looking for the bad in everyone anymore. I'm so tired of feeling completely alone. I'm tired of hiding in the bathroom to cry. I'm tired of wondering if I'll make it another 6 months without<mod edit - methods>. I'm tired of hoping that my heart will just stop in my sleep. I've tried the hotlines, but they don't really care and you can hear it in their voice. No one cares until you're dead.

I wish I could stop this and just be normal. I see families smiling and laughing. I see people loving each other. I wish I could be happy and feel loved, like them. I try SO hard, but I always fall back into this dark place. I'm just so exhausted and don't know how to fix myself. I am completely broken and alone.

I'm pretty much in the same boat. I never have a good day. I've told people how bad that I feel but I don't think that they can truly understand. I've never called a hotline. There's nothing that they could do anyway. I'm tired of suffering as well. It also troubles me because I see so many other people and it seems like everyone is fine except for me. I wish that I could fix myself so that I could be the way that I used to be, but I just can't. I'm pretty much all alone with what I have to deal with as well because nobody's been able to help me and nobody's going to help me to kill myself either. I'm sorry that you are having to suffer.

The further you fall into depression, the harder it is to get out. You'll start to view everything in a pessimistic way, and you'll often overlook all the good in the world. There's no doubt that there are things in this world you enjoy, remember those things when times get bad and snap yourself out of the pessimistic mindset.

With the suicide hotlines, you say you can hear that they don't care in their voice. I think that's just the pessimistic mindset. Operating a suicide hotline is probably very, very stressful. One slip of the tongue and you can potentially send someone to their death, you frantically search for the right words and panic if they don't come to you. Some of them may also be somewhat traumatized, I've heard stories of people pulling the trigger while they were on the line.

Sorry I wasn't really able to write much, I am feeling very exhausted at the moment. In my status I've got a pretty good writeup of reasons to live on, if you want to check that out. EDIT: It's been quite a while since I wrote that, I can definitely do a better job. I will make a post sometime later probably, after spending a lot of time organizing my thoughts.

Thank you, GreySilence. I appreciate you taking the time to post and perhaps you're right about the hotlines. It just felt as if they were reading from a script and it made me really uncomfortable, so I hung up. I guess that's why I posted here. I just needed to tell someone, even strangers; especially strangers.

The thing is, I do have a reason to be happy right now and I really should be. I have a wonderful, loving, understanding boyfriend, but I'm terrified of letting him know what really goes through my head on a daily basis. I finally have someone good in my life and I don't want to scare him away or make him feel like if he leaves me, I'll kill myself. I want him to be with me because he wants to; not because he's guilted into it. I worry about losing him all the time. I always feel like I'm not good enough and that one day he's going to see that. When he tells me he loves me, I just can't believe him. I also worry that he will end up being like all the rest, though I know he's not like that. I just can't stop looking for a reason to run from him, but I really don't want to. I'm a complete mess and I'm afraid that one day I will finally have the courage to end my life. It feels like that day is drawing near and I just don't know what to do anymore.

I've tried the hotlines, but they don't really care and you can hear it in their voice. No one cares until you're dead.

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I care and I'm sure your boyfriend does too! If he knew you were truly on the verge of ending your life, I'm sure he would do whatever he could to help you. Give him a chance to be there for you. If you constantly worry about him leaving, then you'll never be able to enjoy your relationship. So you need to open up to him. And I would suggest a psychiatrist too. Some of them may come across like the hotlines (a bit apathetic or scripted) but there are also some good ones that genuinely care about making life manageable for people like us

Thank you all for the responses. As an update, while I have not specifically told my boyfriend about my suicidal thoughts, I have talked to him about my insecurities and we discussed how important it is for me to overcome them. He has been very loving and supportive, and I'm beginning to think that I may actually be able to pull myself out of this, with some work and a lot of discipline. I absolutely cannot afford a psychiatrist/therapist, so I am on my own there.

I have got to stop thinking so negatively. Period. If I don't, I will die. I'm training myself to convert my negative thoughts into positive ones. When my mind starts to go to bad places, I tell myself that dwelling on these thoughts are fruitless and pointless; even if they are true, they lead to nothing but misery. So, I occupy myself with things that I enjoy and keep my mind busy. So far, it seems to be working better than I had anticipated. I haven't cried in 2 weeks, which had been a nearly daily thing lately, and I'm actually feeling a bit optimistic now. I know that I have a long road ahead of me and I'm sure there will be setbacks, but I have decided to fight this. I want to live.