I am aware that several people have called for my resignation. I understand that I have not been the best President since my reelection, or even the President the site deserves. I therefore want to address some of these issues publicly. I spent many hours over the last few days deciding if I ought to post this. Much of this is incredibly personal, and includes information I have shared with just a few other people, so I would ask that any discussion here be conducted respectfully. I will try to be as honest as possible.

==========

Since January of last year, I have been struggling with depression. There are many reasons for this which I am not going to go into, but suffice it to say the last year has not gone well for me. Recently, since about December, my depression has generally become worse, forcing me to enroll for talk-therapy with a local psychologist.

The worsening of my depression was the result of a combination of factors, but two of those were related to this site. My worsening relationship with YYW was one of those. Without going into any details about that situation, I was incredibly hurt by what occurred.

The second contributing factor was my near-loss to Wylted in the election. This, obviously, opens me to criticisms of being entitled. It is less entitlement, though, as it is self-esteem. I have always measured my self-worth in direct correlation with how much other people liked me (or compare to me), for better or worse, and the reasons for this (at least those I can hypothesize) are extensive. The loss to Wylted felt to me--whether you think my feelings were justified or not---as a rejection of me and a repudiation of all the effort I had invested in my administration during the first term.

In that vein, F16 once posited that I see the programs I run as my own. That comment stayed with me, and I have mulled it over a lot in the time since he made it. There is truth to that--the more effort and time I put into something, particularly if I created that thing, the more personally invested in it I become. This process eventually leads to a blurring of the line for me in terms of where criticisms of my actions or programs ends and criticism of me as a person begins. I am not always capable of distinguishing between the two. I am probably too sensitive.

Regardless, both of these events slowly began to sap my emotional investment in DDO. DDO used to function as my "safe space," or that area of my life where I could come to be myself, relax, and have fun. Those events began to make me associate feelings of rejection, pain, and isolation with this site, which have made it harder and harder to be enthusiastically engaged here. Other events contributed to this "sapping" phenomenon, namely, my discussions with thett during my reelection, my being removed as beginners' mod, my discussions with F16/Bench/YYW, and, most recently, the various threads calling for my resignation. In some instances, blame may rest with me for what occurred--I am merely stating here that these were events that began to drain me emotionally...this draining effect was not confined to the site, and has impacted my mood and attitudes in real life as well.

I find myself caring less and less about things that used to matter to me, and retreating more and more into my own head. In many ways, I feel like I am going insane. I am terrified that I am going insane. Perhaps Bench was right, and I am unstable. My decreasing levels of zeal have made me a more abrasive, distant, bitter, angry, spiteful, insulting person than I used to be. I owe several people apologies for things I have said recently; I will send those out privately. I used to strive towards the highest standards of conduct on this site, to be the best version of myself. I now lack the will or the energy to continue to do that, despite my recognition that this is a problem, and that I do not want to be the person I am devolving into. In a way, "caring" might not be the right word--because I still care about many things, including DDO. It is more an issue of willpower and energy...lethargy has become one of the defining forces in my life of late.

Regarding Wylted's recent statements, let me address a few points here. Yes, I did tell Wylted 4 months ago to "jump off a cliff." It was inexcusable and wrong, and would rank as one of the worst things I have ever done on this site. It came in the midst of one of my lowest moments, emotionally-speaking, and exemplified all the feelings of rejection and pain I had after the election. It was spiteful and cruel, and should never have been said...or thought. Given my emotional state, it took me awhile to realize that. I needed to be reprimanded by a friend for the comment to clear my mind enough to see how vile my comment was, and, once I saw it, I apologized. I was in a haze of anger. I genuinely regret what I said. I am ashamed.

Wylted, after I had apologized, wrote: "Your remark was inappropriate, but I don't care about that." He then correctly surmised that I was depressed and suicidal at the time, and added, "I was just saying some stuff to you, to help you pull your head together. I'll say what I need to you to get you to get your head on straight again, if that means I have to be a punching bag, I'm fine." Given his remarks on this issue, I assumed we had moved on, and that Wylted was not seriously injured by my comment. I was surprised when he brought it up recently. In a PM with me, he noted the purpose of this was to create "distance" between him and I, because, as he noted today, our proximity had damaged his electoral chances. Wylted wrote: "In order to pick off a lot of [Imabench's] potential voters I have to create distance between me and BSH1. I will stay in the race out of fear that my votes will go to Bench. Now that I have created distance between BSH1 to make sure I pick off enough votes from him to ensure he loses, I'll have to shift focus to destroying Bench."

I accept that what I did was utterly and completely wrong. I apologized, and will apologize a thousand times over if necessary. I own that blame, and I know that. I fell incredibly low that day, and I will try to never fall that low again. I had thought Wylted and I had moved on. Wylted made his decision to make that exchange public not because he genuinely felt that I should resign, nor because he was injured, but because of political calculation and a desire to create "distance."

I am actively considering my resignation. I need to seriously consider whether DDOians would like me to continue to serve, my own conduct over the last 3-4 months, and my own emotional/mental stamina. To be honest about my own desires, I would like to stay on for the time I have left. There are still things that I would like to accomplish, e.g. a voter tutorial. I would like the chance to try to redeem myself and to contribute to this community...for a combination of selfish and non-selfish reasons. I'd like to give myself a purpose on the site that could possibly help to regain some of my verve and vigor, and that would involve working on a slate of projects as President; that is the self-ish desire. But, I also do genuinely care about the people of the site, and I feel so much like I am letting them down. I would like to help; I would like to give back to the wonderful people who have made happy moments on here for me, and for those (like me when I first joined) who are finding the site a place to relax and enjoy. Regardless, I need to decide whether what I have left to give is enough, whether I am a barrier to DDO's health, and whether DDO wants me to stay. I won't deny that I would like DDO to want me to stay, but I will take into account their opinions either way. Here is a survey you can fill out to weigh in on this issue of me resignation [https://www.surveymonkey.com...]. It will be open until Monday night.

Thanks for reading all this.

-Bsh1

Live Long and Prosper

I'm a Bish.

"Twilight isn't just about obtuse metaphors between cannibalism and premarital sex, it also teaches us the futility of hope." - Raisor

Before you do (IF you do) theres one problem you need to consider first...

Zaradi is supposed to be your VP and he hasnt been on the site in months. If the President resigns, the VP is next in line to become President, as we saw with Ore Ele and Debateability. If you do decide to resign, you'll have to pick someone to stand in as President for the remaining half of your term.

Anyone in mind?

Kevin24018 : "He's just so mean it makes me want to ball up my fists and stamp on the ground"
Geogeer: "Nobody is dumb enough to become my protege."

Before you do (IF you do) theres one problem you need to consider first...

Zaradi is supposed to be your VP and he hasnt been on the site in months. If the President resigns, the VP is next in line to become President, as we saw with Ore Ele and Debateability. If you do decide to resign, you'll have to pick someone to stand in as President for the remaining half of your term.

Anyone in mind?

The answer to this question has been on my mind for some time. If and when I resign, I will provide a fuller answer to your question. All I can say now is that I am aware of the issue and thinking about a solution in the event such a solution is necessary.

Live Long and Prosper

I'm a Bish.

"Twilight isn't just about obtuse metaphors between cannibalism and premarital sex, it also teaches us the futility of hope." - Raisor

I was surprised when he brought it up recently. In a PM with me, he noted the purpose of this was to create "distance" between him and I, because, as he noted today, our proximity had damaged his electoral chances. Wylted wrote: "In order to pick off a lot of [Imabench's] potential voters I have to create distance between me and BSH1. I will stay in the race out of fear that my votes will go to Bench. Now that I have created distance between BSH1 to make sure I pick off enough votes from him to ensure he loses, I'll have to shift focus to destroying Bench."

Couple things about this as well:

1) Wylted doesnt have any votes to 'give' me if he drops out..... The only people who support him are those who he has given some kind of position in his administration.

2) Wylted does not have the ability to pick off any of my voters since I am a pure abolitionist and Wylted is not. Only a better abolitionist candidate could take votes from me at this point, and Wylted denies even being an abolitionist in the first place. In addition to not haveing any votes to give me, he doesnt have the ability to take any of mine either

3) Lets face it, the only way Wylted could destroy my campaign is if I put him in charge of it

Kevin24018 : "He's just so mean it makes me want to ball up my fists and stamp on the ground"
Geogeer: "Nobody is dumb enough to become my protege."

I was surprised when he brought it up recently. In a PM with me, he noted the purpose of this was to create "distance" between him and I, because, as he noted today, our proximity had damaged his electoral chances. Wylted wrote: "In order to pick off a lot of [Imabench's] potential voters I have to create distance between me and BSH1. I will stay in the race out of fear that my votes will go to Bench. Now that I have created distance between BSH1 to make sure I pick off enough votes from him to ensure he loses, I'll have to shift focus to destroying Bench."

Couple things about this as well:

I'll leave those things for you to take up with him if you'd like.

Live Long and Prosper

I'm a Bish.

"Twilight isn't just about obtuse metaphors between cannibalism and premarital sex, it also teaches us the futility of hope." - Raisor

You should resign if you think the stress of the presidency is too much for you. It's quite obviously helped to ruin your DDO life but only you can make that choice, not anyone else

About the wylted thing...I wouldn't feel nearly as bad about it as you seem to. Telling someone to jump off a bridge is way different than actually telling them to kill themselves. "Go jump off a bridge" sounds like a generic "fck you" to me akin to "go play in traffic" but I guess I don't know the context. If you actually fantasized about him jumping off a bridge over the presidency of a debate website then yeah that's a problem but if you were just telling him to go fck himself and he decided to be a prick about it, doesn't sound like a big deal to me

Sorry to hear about your depression. Make sure you're open and honest with your therapist, don't hold back out of embarrassment or anything. Just talk about everything that's bothering you

DDO Vice President

#StandwithBossy

#UnbanTheMadman

#BetOnThett

"Don't quote me, ever." -Max

"My name is max. I'm not a big fan of slacks"- Max rapping

"Walmart should have the opportunity to bribe a politician to it's agenda" -Max

"Thett, you're really good at convincing people you're a decent person"-tulle

*hugs*I'm sorry you've been going through all this, and I don't want you to resign or anything unless you yourself want to. If there's anything you need/want to talk about, we can PM. That being said, read the quote in my sig :D

DDO Beginners' Mafia Moderator -- PM me if you'd like to learn how to play mafia!

"We wondered what happiness would look like if we could give it a physical form...the shape of happiness might resemble glass...even though you don't usually notice it, it's still definitely there. You merely have to change your point of view slightly, and then that glass will sparkle when it reflects the light. I doubt that anything else could argue its own existence more eloquently." ~Lelouch

Why wait until 1:30am on a school night to post this? The odds of getting immediate responses from multiple people at this time of night is slim to none, and this seems like something that people should be seeing

Kevin24018 : "He's just so mean it makes me want to ball up my fists and stamp on the ground"
Geogeer: "Nobody is dumb enough to become my protege."

If the presidency is contributing to furthering your depression in any way, you should resign. But I generally disagree with the idea of leaving that up to a "survey," since that should be your decision to make at this point. I'd recommend you resign since it has clearly affected the way you perceive DDO.

Sorry to hear about your depression. Feel free to message me if you need someone to talk to.

"Where justice is denied, where poverty is enforced, where ignorance prevails, and where any one class is made to feel that society is an organized conspiracy to oppress, rob and degrade them, neither persons nor property will be safe." - Frederick Douglass

At 4/22/2016 5:41:55 AM, thett3 wrote:You should resign if you think the stress of the presidency is too much for you. It's quite obviously helped to ruin your DDO life but only you can make that choice, not anyone else

About the wylted thing...I wouldn't feel nearly as bad about it as you seem to. Telling someone to jump off a bridge is way different than actually telling them to kill themselves. "Go jump off a bridge" sounds like a generic "fck you" to me akin to "go play in traffic" but I guess I don't know the context. If you actually fantasized about him jumping off a bridge over the presidency of a debate website then yeah that's a problem but if you were just telling him to go fck himself and he decided to be a prick about it, doesn't sound like a big deal to me

Sorry to hear about your depression. Make sure you're open and honest with your therapist, don't hold back out of embarrassment or anything. Just talk about everything that's bothering you

+10

This.

"Where justice is denied, where poverty is enforced, where ignorance prevails, and where any one class is made to feel that society is an organized conspiracy to oppress, rob and degrade them, neither persons nor property will be safe." - Frederick Douglass

At 4/22/2016 5:41:55 AM, thett3 wrote:You should resign if you think the stress of the presidency is too much for you. It's quite obviously helped to ruin your DDO life but only you can make that choice, not anyone else

My first term was wonderful. I probably should have just left it there...

About the wylted thing...I wouldn't feel nearly as bad about it as you seem to. Telling someone to jump off a bridge is way different than actually telling them to kill themselves. "Go jump off a bridge" sounds like a generic "fck you" to me akin to "go play in traffic" but I guess I don't know the context. If you actually fantasized about him jumping off a bridge over the presidency of a debate website then yeah that's a problem but if you were just telling him to go fck himself and he decided to be a prick about it, doesn't sound like a big deal to me

I did mean it in a "f-you" kind of way, but that doesn't change what I literally said or how it may have be construed.

Sorry to hear about your depression. Make sure you're open and honest with your therapist, don't hold back out of embarrassment or anything. Just talk about everything that's bothering you

Thanks.

Live Long and Prosper

I'm a Bish.

"Twilight isn't just about obtuse metaphors between cannibalism and premarital sex, it also teaches us the futility of hope." - Raisor

*hugs*I'm sorry you've been going through all this, and I don't want you to resign or anything unless you yourself want to. If there's anything you need/want to talk about, we can PM. That being said, read the quote in my sig :D

*hugs*

Thanks, Saph.

Live Long and Prosper

I'm a Bish.

"Twilight isn't just about obtuse metaphors between cannibalism and premarital sex, it also teaches us the futility of hope." - Raisor

I don't think you should resign. I still stand beside my vote for you. I don't care what drama you've been involved in, I think you genuinely care about the site, and have put a lot of yourself in the website. You are a respectable debater and overall member. And I think more people like and support you then don't; Sometimes a few loud voices tend to make such a big rabble that it seems like there is more than a few. But I think people enjoy you as a president more than they don't. I am very happy you are the president, and sad to hear that you have been facing depression from things you've experienced on the site. You shouldn't have to feel that way honestly. You should be able log on and enjoy your time here. I hope that vibe comes back at some point.

I also felt really bad for you these past few months due to all the crap you've gone through. It was like everything you tried to do people fought tooth and nail...and honestly I have no idea if any of that was justified or not. I spend 90% of my time in the politics forum writing long and meandering tributes to Trump that nobody reads. I have no idea, for example, what the beginners mafia flame out was about but I still felt bad for you having to experience that even if you were in the wrong (I have no idea who was right/wrong there). Being the president or a moderator is a totally thankless job and I wouldn't want it. In fact every time someone has talked me into being their VP I've always secretly hoped that we lost because I didn't want to actually have to fulfill that role. It sounds like a lot of stress for little gain

There's a reason so many ex mods and ex presidents just leave...

DDO Vice President

#StandwithBossy

#UnbanTheMadman

#BetOnThett

"Don't quote me, ever." -Max

"My name is max. I'm not a big fan of slacks"- Max rapping

"Walmart should have the opportunity to bribe a politician to it's agenda" -Max

"Thett, you're really good at convincing people you're a decent person"-tulle

At 4/22/2016 5:44:48 AM, tejretics wrote:If the presidency is contributing to furthering your depression in any way, you should resign.

I would distinguish between the presidency and presidency-related drama, though I understand the latter is part and parcel of the office. But, I need to decide whether I can turn it into a positive again, and I am not sure. That determination will be important to my decision.

But I generally disagree with the idea of leaving that up to a "survey," since that should be your decision to make at this point.

I won't be bound by the survey...but it is information I think I need to have to make the most informed choice.

I'd recommend you resign since it has clearly affected the way you perceive DDO.

It has...definitely...

Sorry to hear about your depression. Feel free to message me if you need someone to talk to.

Thanks, Tej.

Live Long and Prosper

I'm a Bish.

"Twilight isn't just about obtuse metaphors between cannibalism and premarital sex, it also teaches us the futility of hope." - Raisor

At 4/22/2016 5:41:55 AM, thett3 wrote:You should resign if you think the stress of the presidency is too much for you. It's quite obviously helped to ruin your DDO life but only you can make that choice, not anyone else

My first term was wonderful. I probably should have just left it there...

About the wylted thing...I wouldn't feel nearly as bad about it as you seem to. Telling someone to jump off a bridge is way different than actually telling them to kill themselves. "Go jump off a bridge" sounds like a generic "fck you" to me akin to "go play in traffic" but I guess I don't know the context. If you actually fantasized about him jumping off a bridge over the presidency of a debate website then yeah that's a problem but if you were just telling him to go fck himself and he decided to be a prick about it, doesn't sound like a big deal to me

I did mean it in a "f-you" kind of way, but that doesn't change what I literally said or how it may have be construed.

Actually it changes it a lot.

You are letting him manipulate your emotions--you didn't say anything wrong, and you're tormenting yourself over a comment that was totally meaningless.

Sorry to hear about your depression. Make sure you're open and honest with your therapist, don't hold back out of embarrassment or anything. Just talk about everything that's bothering you

Thanks.

DDO Vice President

#StandwithBossy

#UnbanTheMadman

#BetOnThett

"Don't quote me, ever." -Max

"My name is max. I'm not a big fan of slacks"- Max rapping

"Walmart should have the opportunity to bribe a politician to it's agenda" -Max

"Thett, you're really good at convincing people you're a decent person"-tulle

Why wait until 1:30am on a school night to post this? The odds of getting immediate responses from multiple people at this time of night is slim to none, and this seems like something that people should be seeing

Because it took me a long time to build up the courage to post that...and because I haven't had the free time this evening before it got very late to post it. I was afraid if I waited for tomorrow, I'd lose my nerve.

Live Long and Prosper

I'm a Bish.

"Twilight isn't just about obtuse metaphors between cannibalism and premarital sex, it also teaches us the futility of hope." - Raisor

At 4/22/2016 5:48:54 AM, TUF wrote:I don't think you should resign. I still stand beside my vote for you. I don't care what drama you've been involved in, I think you genuinely care about the site, and have put a lot of yourself in the website. You are a respectable debater and overall member. And I think more people like and support you then don't; Sometimes a few loud voices tend to make such a big rabble that it seems like there is more than a few. But I think people enjoy you as a president more than they don't. I am very happy you are the president, and sad to hear that you have been facing depression from things you've experienced on the site. You shouldn't have to feel that way honestly. You should be able log on and enjoy your time here. I hope that vibe comes back at some point.

<3 TUF

Thanks, TUF.

Live Long and Prosper

I'm a Bish.

"Twilight isn't just about obtuse metaphors between cannibalism and premarital sex, it also teaches us the futility of hope." - Raisor

That's kind of you, but I'm not sure I'd want the presidency job myself. I'm much more comfortable helping someone while they do most of the hard stuff :D Plus I just don't have the time for that now that school is getting increasingly stressful.

DDO Beginners' Mafia Moderator -- PM me if you'd like to learn how to play mafia!

"We wondered what happiness would look like if we could give it a physical form...the shape of happiness might resemble glass...even though you don't usually notice it, it's still definitely there. You merely have to change your point of view slightly, and then that glass will sparkle when it reflects the light. I doubt that anything else could argue its own existence more eloquently." ~Lelouch

That's kind of you, but I'm not sure I'd want the presidency job myself. I'm much more comfortable helping someone while they do most of the hard stuff :D Plus I just don't have the time for that now that school is getting increasingly stressful.

*hugs* I know those feels...

Solonkr~
I don't care about whether an ideology is "necessary" or not,
I care about how to solve problems,
which is what everyone else should also care about.

Ken~
In essence, the world is fucked up and you can either ignore it, become cynical or bitter about it.

To correct bsh1's factual misstatement, there was no "worsening," other than acts which he did that I responded too, which he then pretended to be the victim of despite being the provocateur. I spared him the humiliation of accounting before anyone in any "public" sense what led to my cutting you out of my life, though he went out of his way to get any "revenge" on me that he could.

To bsh1:

I do not feel sorry for you, in the way of the presidency. I pity you for reasons that go far beyond this site; reasons that no amount of therapy will change, until you decide to change yourself. People have been more forgiving of you than they should have, mostly because I have never gave them a reason to think otherwise of you --though I certainly could have then, as I could now. However, to do so would be beneath me, so I will continue to refrain as I have thus far.

It is very clear that you continue to face challenges in life that your being here does not help. Moreover, I'm sure that the guilt associated with some of the things you've done on this site is more than you'd prefer to face. Beyond that, it is very clear that you are in far over your head, and this is an unnecessary added burden. It makes sense that you should resign. The presidency is a meaningless position, and if a meaningless position is too much to handle, then you need to sort yourself out by other means.

To correct bsh1's factual misstatement, there was no "worsening," other than acts which he did that I responded too, which he then pretended to be the victim of despite being the provocateur. I spared him the humiliation of accounting before anyone in any "public" sense what led to my cutting you out of my life, though he went out of his way to get any "revenge" on me that he could.

Can we save flamewars during normal DDO hours from noon to 11pm? Why do flamewars have to happen at 2am when I have sh*t to do tomorrow..... >.>

To bsh1:

I do not feel sorry for you, in the way of the presidency. I pity you for reasons that go far beyond this site; reasons that no amount of therapy will change, until you decide to change yourself. People have been more forgiving of you than they should have, mostly because I have never gave them a reason to think otherwise of you --though I certainly could have then, as I could now. However, to do so would be beneath me, so I will continue to refrain as I have thus far.

It is very clear that you continue to face challenges in life that your being here does not help. Moreover, I'm sure that the guilt associated with some of the things you've done on this site is more than you'd prefer to face. Beyond that, it is very clear that you are in far over your head, and this is an unnecessary added burden. It makes sense that you should resign. The presidency is a meaningless position, and if a meaningless position is too much to handle, then you need to sort yourself out by other means.

Kevin24018 : "He's just so mean it makes me want to ball up my fists and stamp on the ground"
Geogeer: "Nobody is dumb enough to become my protege."

That's kind of you, but I'm not sure I'd want the presidency job myself. I'm much more comfortable helping someone while they do most of the hard stuff :D Plus I just don't have the time for that now that school is getting increasingly stressful.

*hugs* I know those feels...

*hugs back* I hate exams with a passion.

DDO Beginners' Mafia Moderator -- PM me if you'd like to learn how to play mafia!

"We wondered what happiness would look like if we could give it a physical form...the shape of happiness might resemble glass...even though you don't usually notice it, it's still definitely there. You merely have to change your point of view slightly, and then that glass will sparkle when it reflects the light. I doubt that anything else could argue its own existence more eloquently." ~Lelouch

That's kind of you, but I'm not sure I'd want the presidency job myself. I'm much more comfortable helping someone while they do most of the hard stuff :D Plus I just don't have the time for that now that school is getting increasingly stressful.

*hugs* I know those feels...

*hugs back* I hate exams with a passion.

May 3rd- June 10th

Solonkr~
I don't care about whether an ideology is "necessary" or not,
I care about how to solve problems,
which is what everyone else should also care about.

Ken~
In essence, the world is fucked up and you can either ignore it, become cynical or bitter about it.