An inner web of fantasy mixed with reality

Too Much Poison in My Head..

I had thought I had found the person I could share the whole me with. I was mistaken... and it left me devastated... I wanted someone so much that I could share everything with... and in the plasticness of the world.. I was fooled that I did... but he showed me that It wasn't okay to bear my soul.. That he was not okay with who I was... only wanted the pretty parts... the light when he wanted light and the dark when he needed dark... i wasn't a person.. I was just there... and its taking me forever to cope with what I let happen... I sit and stare into the nothingness... I sit and stare at my world... I evaporate from everyones lives and am alone. Haunted by so many memories... so much past that I could get lost in. So many lies I could have let myself live in..I jump when I shouldn't... I play with fire... so I end up burnt and on my face... when will I learn... I don't think I will... my soul is searching for that person who will catch me when I jump.. not let me fall... not let me burn... Some days I get soo tired of being dependable... of being the rock... there... yet not having anyone to lighten my burden... I feel guilty for unloading on V... she's got so much of her own life... and now... my new friend... I'll call him B... he is just too good to be true... but he's there... I'm afraid to touch him... that he'll twist into smoke and evaporate into my mind... I'm afraid that our friendship that seems to be blooming into the friendship I've been searching for... will end in flames... I fear his wife gettin jealous and thinking there is something less innocent that what is here... Nobody seems to believe I'm as innocent as I am in that sense... I don't mess with men that have someone in their life that way...married, dating... its all the same to me.. untouchable. which is good... I can't go through the whole explaining of why I can't date... why I can't be that close to them...of breaking their heart...ego... whatever you want to call it... I'm soo tired of trying to save guys from me... Of fending off those who mistake lust for love...How do I get out of the mindset that I'm poison? How do I get over all the pain that D bestowed upon my little broken scarred heart? How do I get over all that has fallen in my world.. How do I become real.. I wish I knew... I wish I was strong enough to fight this overwhelming sadness that takes me over from time to time. I wish I could allow you to hug me... I fear letting my broken pieces touch anyone... I fear you loving me.. because I fear me loving you back.. it hurts so much to love... because everyone goes away... leaves me in this tumble of emotions... of death spewed out before me.. Yet here I am lying on the floor.. looking into eyes that are not really there... and despite all of it...I still believe that there is hope... that there is good out there...that somehow somewhere someone is strong enough to love me...