I recently became involved with someone who has a very big submission fetish. They fantasize about subjugation, humilliation, forced orgasms. All the time, so far as I can tell.

I'm more of a dinner and flowers kind of guy, generally. But I'm being an obliging dom as much as I can and it seems to be going down well.

We're going away for a few days. She's dropping major hints that she wants this to be a complete render-her-a -slave experience. She's taken everything I can give her so far in the Dominance angle. I know the only thing that will really satisfy her is complete and utter subjugation.

I've hypnotised her before and she went absolutely crazy for it. Begs for it now. She's very suggestible. But she's also made it clear she wants more and more complete. So basically, I have about three days with her where we'll be away together, she'll be completely in my hands, and she wants me to reduce her to an abased, submissive, begging, brainwashed, indoctrinated slave.

Normally for a romantic break, I'd be cooking nice meals and organizing nice places to take her. But I am responsive to the needs of my companion. So I'm turning to the experts!

Just light role-playing doesn't seem to be sufficient for her. Saying "you're my slave," just doesn't fill the yawning depths of her depravity, I've found. She wants to really feel it.

So - three days. I need a plan, techniques, stages, for her complete subjugation. I've insisted on safe-words though she was reluctant as that spoils things for her a little (apparently). It's not the physical submission she craves, but the psychological and emotional conditioning.

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Hi Craig,
Welcome to the board. All of this is purely my opinion. Outside of the safety rules there isn’t a right or wrong way to do this stuff. I suspect one of the things you’ll hear is that it’s all about communication, and that’s true.

As a dinner and flowers guy I’m sure the more extreme forms of BDSM seem a bit odd to you, but I think the key point in your time with your sub will be a gradual progression of dominance. Clearly she is very turned on by the thought of you dominating her, and even though it might not be your thing, I suspect you’re turned on by her excitement.

She may be expecting to be beaten physically. There are several problems with this. First, you may not enjoy physically hurting her (at least not beyond a few playful slaps). Second, if you’re together for three days then you need to be careful not to use too much physical punishment because her body will not have time to recover. So too much physical punishment may be bad for you and for her.

You spoke about safe words. ALWAYS use a safe word. One of the folks on this board (sorry, I can’t remember who) suggested that instead of using the traditional words (yellow = “slow down”, red = “stop”), you could choose a deeply humiliating phrase for your slave to use. For example, “I love to drink dog spunk”, or something that would be more specific to her.

Here are some ideas on how you might play for an extended period of time. I’m listing these to give you alternative to tying her up or to using increasingly severe corporal punishment on her.

Don't do all these things at once. Take your time, and get the most out of any activity before you move on to something else.

If you have somewhere to do this (like a garden or garage), why not create a series of menial tasks for your slave to perform?

Here are some examples…but I’m sure you can think of some others. Some ideas need a big garden, others can be done in an apartment.

Whenever you enter the room, your slave must bow down and kiss each of your feet until you give her permission to stop.

Look up the idea of a "slave contract". Draft a document, and tell her she has to sign it. Drop a hint to her that she should refuse initially, because that way you can "force her", using the stress positions listed below.

Included in a slave contract will be descriptions of things she has to do to show you respect. Such as call you "Master". Or whenever you sit down to relax, she will kneel at your feet and offer a foot massage.

Buy her a dog collar and a blank name disc. Take her to the mall, and make her get the disc engraved with something embarrassing. Like "Craig's Bitch". If you really want to push it - she has to put the collar on in front of the guy who engraved it, and wear it for the rest of the time you're in public.

A Sudoku challenge. Download a few Sudoku puzzles from the net. Hopefully your slave isn’t some master Sudoku champion, but I guess you know there are different grades of Sudoku puzzle. Tell her she has to finish in a given time – say 15 minutes (if it’s an easy puzzle). If she fails, or makes a mistake then you simply give her another puzzle to do, and now you have an excuse to punish her.

Some physical challenge. In the UK we have things called breeze blocks. Wikipedia just told me that Americans call these Concrete Masonry Units ; they are 16x8x8 inches, and they weigh about 35 to 55 pounds. If you buy a half dozen of them you can use this as a pointless physical challenge for your slave. She has to move the stack from one place to another (it can work even inside a regular car garage). You can make her repeat the challenge because you “don’t like the way she stacked the blocks”. The simple term “do it again”, and then walk away from her can be very strong. Give her work gloves because you don’t want her hands getting callouses. If it’s hot outside, make her wear a heavy coverall, and two or three layers of clothes under it to make her as hot an uncomfortable as possible.

Buy a length of heavy metal chain. Wrap it around her waist, like a belt, and padlock it closed so that it’s uncomfortably tight (get her to breath in and lock it at that position). She has to wear the belt while she works. If you want to ratchet up the punishment, re-lock the belt one link tighter after a half hour or so. Or offer her a drink of water, but she has to have the belt two links tighter. Make sure the chain is really big, because bigger links will be far less likely to break the skin. If you don't want to close the chain tightly, then you can still use lengths of chain around her as a weight to make her work more uncomfortable (it takes a lot more chain!!). Careful not to cause permanent marks. Basically the chain would wrap around her several times like Mexican bandoliers. Use three or four heavy padlocks to keep it in place. you can wrap the chain over a coverall to prevent skin damage.

A lot of subs like the idea of public humiliation. You need to be careful doing this - some places have over-zealous police who might arrest her for something too blatant. These days I tend to be a sub, but many years ago when I was a Dom, I made a girl go the the bathroom in a shopping mall, but to make sure the back of her dress was tucked into her panty hose when she came out of the stall. I waited for her about fifty yards away, and watched the looks of people as she walked by. She got about thirty yards before a lady hurried over and pointed out her "problem". She was a redhead, and had the most charming way of blushing

How to punish her?

While you watch an interesting program on TV, make her stand with her back to the screen (it works best if she likes the program too). Make her hold something that’s heavy enough to cause discomfort – like holding a heavy book in each hand with her arms out straight. From time to time allow her to put down the books so she can fetch you a beer (nothing for her, of course). Make her resume the position when she’s brought the glass of beer to you. Tell her the beer isn’t cold enough, and that her incompetence earned her a punishment. Let her stew for a few minutes while you finish the beer (of course it’s cold enough, but that doesn’t matter for the purposes of the game). Then use something like a school ruler to give her a few smacks on the ass. She’s still holding the books…and you tell her that she’s not allowed to let her arms droop.

Look up “stress positions” in Google. You can also use the ruler on her while she’s in a stress position.

Use nipple clamps to increase the background level of discomfort in stress positions.

Buy a bottle of cod liver oil. While she's in a stress position make her hold the oil in her mouth. She's not allowed to swallow it. If she does, then she gets another dose. It tastes disgusting. I don't think you can OD on cod liver oil, but you may find it give her the shits if you give her too much

Use Icy Hot (aka Deep Heat) on her pussy. This is quite painful, and I think once you've put it on her there's not much you can do about it!

Take a dinner tray and pour dry rice over it. Make her kneel on the rice (it really hurts!). If you can find a hard plastic grid mat (like people use for cleaning mud off their boots) this can be uncomfortable to kneel on, or even to sit on. When she kneels she should stay upright with good posture, and hands behind her head.

If she’s working outside you could buy an electric dog collar (they’re only $40 on EBay). You might even use it on her inside – to call her to you so she can fetch you a snack, or massage your feet, or perhaps give you a blow job.

One fabulous toy is the Tazapper. For you it’s ideal because it’s a way to deliver a painful shock, but it’s perfectly safe and causes no marks or damage. You can escalate the part of the body you’re going to shock. Start with her ass. Then tummy, underside of breasts, upper arms, bottoms of feet, then towards the more sensitive end are ear lobes, nipples, and of course her pussy.

So hopefully you can have a lot of fun, and exert very powerful levels of domination over her without using much actual “violence”.

I’ll stop writing now, but the possibilities are endless! Just make sure you enjoy yourself too!

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Thanks for that. Lots of good suggestions. One is particularly hillarious for reasons which are perculiar to her and therefore I feel sadly unable to explain.

As I mentioned, she's not really into the physical subjugation / punishment side of things. Light chastisement only. Which is good with me as I don't really want to infllict pain on her.

What I really need, and what she's after, are techniques of mental control. I'm probably going to take her phone from her for the duration to isolate her for example. But I need all sorts of ways of making her dependent, submissive, etc. And I need suggestions as to how I can progress with her. I've a rough idea that I'll try out lighter stuff on the first day, and increase it over the next two. I'm not sure exactly how to go about this though. I basically need to work out some sort of plan for this.

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Hi Craig,
Does she have any mild phobias, or dislikes? For mental control those might work. Let me see if I can give an example.

I hate bananas. I'm not allergic - I just hate the taste and the smell. So let's say your slave also hates bananas. You could tell her that the only way she'll be allowed dinner is if she eats a dog bowl of mashed up bananas first. No spoon, of course - she'd have to push her face (and nose) right into the bowl, and be sure to lick it clean.

Another example - maybe she's afraid of spiders. Now you have to be careful with this one - if they really make her go crazy then this would be irresponsible, but I've seen phobia therapy on TV where people are made to hold insects and stuff. All you need to do is put this into an S&M context by tying her down, blindfolding her, and then telling her that you're putting spiders onto her naked flesh. you don't even have to do it...use a feather or other item that will mimic a spider on her skin.

I think you're right to want to plan this. Scribble down ideas for little vignettes, and then try to put them in order of severity. That will help you figure out how to keep the escalation going.

In terms of physical punishment, remember you can threaten to hurt her, and just not do it. Like slowly walking around her with a cane...tapping it against her from time to time. Again, blindfold her so she doesn't know what's coming. And swishing a cane through the air can scare the crap out of people without having to hit them with it.

Unfortunately, that's the thing I'm least inclined to do. I even prefer inflicting mild pain on her to that. Reason is simple. Outside of the context of her specifically requesting to be treated like this for the sake of satisfying her fetish, I really dislike people treating others like this. And treating her badly publically, means no-one sees the context. I.e. it just sets another example of people treating others badly to the world.

I think the only way I can do this is to make the sexual nature of the domination explicit. If she really wants that, I'll have to put her on a leash or something so that it's apparent it's a sex game. I just really don't want people thinking I'm that much of a bastard.

But whilst I'm okay with dominating and also physical punishment if it's really wanted, humiliation is kind of on my squick list. It just doesn't do it for me in any way. It's a real mood killer for me.

In fact the only public humiliation acts that I've inflicted on my slaves in the past were ones that had "plausible deniability", as in my example above (the dress tucked in the pantyhose).

Many (many) years ago a girl I was dating was quite shy. She liked to dress up for me in the bedroom, however, and I ended up buying her some nice lingerie, stocking, basques etc. We weren't really into S&M that much, but I "ordered" her to wear some of the "bedroom" underwear under her clothes when she was out in public several times. One time was a dinner with her parents, and that was a hoot. It was just between us, but she was extremely turned on by being so naughty.

I know that probably sounds a bit tame these days, but I'm talking about thirty years ago

Something you can ask her right away is to start writing some "guilty fantasies" down. If you do it now then hopefully she'll forget about exactly what she wrote by the time you get to your holiday. Then you can use specific things against her in an interrogation style.

You're clearly a sensible sort of chap who does not want to push either your limits, or to hurt the woman you're dating. I suspect you feel that verbal humiliation could go wrong, or you could end up turning into a person you don't like. And that's that's not a bad way to be thinking

If you try to script some of the interrogation sessions, one option is to set them in the context of "helping your slave become a better person". Think in terms of an old fashioned school master who has a naughty schoolgirl pupil. The school master is, of course, only trying to do the right thing for his student. But the process can be humiliating and stressful for the student!

Again, I think you're being sensible by not giving away too much about yourself or your slave, but if you think any of the ideas I've suggested so far would work then I'm happy to keep suggesting options.

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So you're going to be away for a romantic getaway for the weekend? Here's my idea:

The moment you two talk into your room and the door closes, grab her from behind, the way a kidnapper would--one hand on her mouth, the other arm around her throat, grabbing her shoulder. It's a very good position from which to control a sub, and in my experience, subs love it. Talk in a low voice into her ear and tell her that she's going to be your slave bitch for the weekend. Take your hand off her mouth and start fondling her breasts, her pussy, whatever works for you. Tell her some of the ways you're going to use her.

Then order her to undress all the way. As she does, give her the rules you expect her to abide by for the weekend. Here are some ideas.

1) At all times she will address you as Sir (Lord, Master, whatever you want). She uses the title every time she opens her mouth.
2) She is to be naked whenever you two are in your room. Alternately she wears the kinky gear/naughty lingerie, or whatever you've brought for her to wear.
3) She may not use the furniture, unless you give her explicit permission. She must ask to sit down in a chair, must ask to climb into bed without, etc. Without permission, she either remains standing or sits on the floor.
4) Any time your cock is out, her mouth is to be on it until you say otherwise. Later on, just take your cock out and see how quickly she responds. Depending on whether she likes/is willing to accept watersports, you can play games with this when you piss, either by making her hold your cock with her mouth as you piss or by making her think you're going to require it and then giving her permission to release just before you pee. Or make her lick your cock clean afterward.
5) She is to help you dress and undress, like a valet, and bathe you in the bath or shower.
6) When you go out in public, she is to open all doors for you, she may not sit until you do, she lets you order all her meals, and she waits to start eating until you've begun. These are fairly subtle gestures of public humiliation that most people won't notice.
7) Add on to these as you see fit. Don't hesitate to add them as you go.

Once you've given her a rule, pay attention to how well she follows them. If she forgets a rule, or takes too long to obey, discipline her. You can spank her, pinch her tits, make her stand in the corner, or so on. Don't hesitate to be unreasonable, to complain that she's not responding fast enough, or so on. But be consistent. Once you've set a rule, demand that she follow it.

"We hurt the ones we love the most. It's a subtle form of compliment."

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Good suggestions from Sebastian. I would especially agree with his point about consistency. One reason consistency is important is that a Master cannot expect a slave to read his mind. In the games I describe below, if you expect the slave to deliberately answer simple questions wrongly then you need to let her know somehow.

Consistency doesn't mean that limits always have to be the same. You can gradually turn the screw - but be consistent.

One thing that I would add to Sebastian's list is that she must ask permission to come.

"Please, sir...may I come?" is one of the most erotic things a slave can say

Two specific scenes I thought of.

Public embarrassment without looking like an asshole

There's a remote control egg vibrator that's available from Love Honey in the UK.

If you do decide to take her out (to dinner, or shopping, or the cinema, or any public place) then order her to insert this in her pussy. You have the remote control, and can switch it on or off as you wish.

The egg has different modes of vibration, and I'll warn you that the pulsed modes are just about audible in a quiet room. The continuous vibration just vanishes into background noise, but it's pretty subdued anyway.

If you order this thing, then you should invest in some spare batteries for the egg. We're still on the first set of batteries for the remote, but the radio receiver in the egg uses power all the time. Remove the batteries when you're not using it.

An interesting "punishment scene"

I know you said your slave wasn't into impact punishment. But if she's OK with mild slaps, and you want to push her boundaries a little (which she will love, I suspect), then here's an idea for a game. It involves a lot of mental torment possibilities too.

She's naked, apart from wearing the highest heeled shoes she owns. Ideally she should be slightly uncomfortable.

She stands in the middle of the room, hands on her head. She'd blindfolded.

As you pace around her you throw questions at her. A good one is to use mental maths - like "what's sixty three plus nineteen?".

If she gets the question wrong you take a rubber band, and flick it at her. My suggestion is to use the thick rubber bands that the postmen use to hold bundles of letters together. The impact really doesn't hurt, but because she's blindfolded she doesn't know exactly where or when the impact will come. It's more about surprise and helplessness than pain.

The interesting thing about this game is that (as long as she realizes this) she can deliberately answer the question wrongly. So it's like a safeword in that respect.

You can also toss in silly questions, like "how many fingers am I holding up?". Since she's blindfolded you get to decide if she's right or wrong.

You should keep score, and arrange some sort of penalty/reward with her if she fails to reach a given score. The penalty/reward should be something she genuinely fears/wants.

A good reward for a slave is for her to receive a massage from you. One hour of pure pleasure.

I think the use of a reward might be a nice way to stop her wanting more extreme forms of S&M play. A reward is still a form of humiliation - it's like training an animal.

If you want to escalate the "rubber band game" then use the Tazapper I mentioned earlier. I didn't give a link for it last time, and I think the only place in the UK you can get it is Devus. It's more widely available in the US.

The Tazapper is painful, but does not leave a mark and is not dangerous. It's hard to describe the feeling, but I'd say it's like being hit with a really big rubber band

One other tip when you play these torment games is to continually express your sympathy for the slave. Remember the idea about "personal improvement"?

Use terms like:

You're begining to try my patience

I must say I thought you could do much better

Why must you disappoint me?

Why must you be so disobedient?

This must be very difficult for you

You must understand that this give me no pleasure

This is for your own good

I'm very disappointed in you...I expected so much more

We have so much more work to do together, don't we?

I'm sorry I have to cause you so much pain

Let's start over again (particularly powerful if she feels she's almost about to be released, or the punishment part of a session is over)

To draw out the tension, ask her to acknowledge your question. Like "You understand this is for your own good, don't you?". Get her to agree. Get her to thank you for taking the time to make her a better person.

Use a soft, soothing voice. To get into character imagine you're a doctor in the days before anesthetics were available. You need to treat the patient for their own good, but as a healer it makes you feel bad that you'll be causing pain at the same time.

If you can start to build up a sense of tension in a scene like this you'll find she gets very, very excited.

If you have a small, 3-legged stool with a smooth top then the rubber sucker on this will work well. the corner of a coffee table might work, but make sure whatever you choose is sturdy and does not have sharp edges. If all else fails, you can use it on the lid of a toilet and you can relax in the bath while she sits on it.

Option 1 is to make your slave take the dildo in her ass. Sitting with a dildo up your ass makes for an interesting stess position if you combine it with the rubber band game or Tazapper. Use plenty of lube, and a condom on the dildo to make it easier to keep clean.

Option 2 is to allow her to take the dildo in her pussy as a "reward". But it has to stay attached to the stool. It can be quite hard to come in this way - but it will keep her on edge. Get her to make you a drink first...pull up a comfortable armchair and watch her as she tries to pleasure herself. Set her a time limit, and keep glancing at your watch. Warn her that if she doesn't manage to come in the time allowed that you might have to consider "another discipline session". Even better is to make a phone call while you're watching her...show her that her pleasure is trivial. If she really has a problem getting to a climax this way, force some concession from her in exchange for allowing her to get off the stool.

This is part of what Sebastian was implying by "being consistent". Once you're in a roleplay situation, it's possible to allow your slave to be more comfortable, or to have pleasure, but think about extracting something from her in exchange. Don't just "let her off the hook", because that's not consistent. The concessions can go beyond the extended weekend. For example, if you like lace-up corsets maybe you get her to commit to a corset training regimen. That can be fun, and it's another way to make her wear something humiliating in public, but without other people knowing.

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Also, Craig, you said you're interested in romance. BDSM can be extremely romantic, in a variety of ways. It's just not romance in the current Hollywood style. The important thing to realize is that for a sub, the normal romantic gestures (flowers, going to a chick flick, etc) aren't very interesting, and for some they do don't say 'I love you' at all. Instead, it is things like spanking, verbal abuse, bondage, and control that say 'I love you' to a submissive. So what you need to do is learn to see this sort of play as an expression of romance. BDSM doesn't come naturally you to, so humiliating and controlling her and looking for ideas about how to do it well as things you're doing out of your love for her. So in your case, this is a romantic gesture the same way that a vanilla guy taking his girlfriend out shopping and to a chick flick might be a romantic gesture. The only thing that's different is the tools you're using to express romance.

I have a friend who had a girlfriend years ago who said that snuggling didn't make her feel loved at all; she felt most loved when he was completely ignoring her and she was doing chores for him. My friend just couldn't manage this, because he couldn't make sense of what she really wanted from him.

One way to explore romance in BDSM is to do a damsel in distress scene in which you are both the bad guy and the good guy. Set up the scene so that she's your prisoner. Blindfold her and do whatever terrible things you want to her--maybe she's a spy during WWII and you're the evil Nazi interrogator trying to get secrets out of her. Once you've given her what she really likes, leave the room, change your clothes and fake a fight between the evil Nazi and the hero who rescues her. Then break in to the room, untie her and 'save her', and end the movie making sweet passionate love to her. There are lots of ways you can play good cop bad cop with her like this. If she's willing to play with another dom, let him be the evil torturer (doesn't have to involve actual sex) and then at some point you defeat him and rescue her.

"We hurt the ones we love the most. It's a subtle form of compliment."