11. How did Charlotte Bronte make it easier to breathe? She invented Eyre.

12. Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He’s 0K now, but doesn’t exist.

13. It’s not easy being a self-made man. Unless you have a time machine and a Oedipus Complex.

14. Who does Polyphemus hate more than Odysseus? Nobody.

15. Three statisticians go out hunting together. After a while, they spot a solitary rabbit. The first statistician takes aim and overshoots. The second aims and undershoots. The third shouts out “We got him!”

16. Rene Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender asks him if he wants anything. Rene replies, “I think not,” and promptly vanishes.

17. Three logicians walk into a bar. The waitress asks, “Do you all want a beer?” The first logician says, “I don’t know.” The second one says, “I don’t know.” The third logician exclaims, “Yes!”

18. A Roman man walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. “You mean a martini?” the bartender asks. The Roman replies, “If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it!”

19. A logician’s wife is having a baby. After it is born, the doctor hands the infant to the dad. His wife asks impatiently, “Is it a girl or a boy?” The logician replies, “Yes.”

20. How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce unionized.

21. An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first orders a beer. The second orders half a beer. The third orders a quarter of a beer, and so on. After the seventh order, the bartender pours two beers and says, “You guys should know your limits.”

23. Pavlov was sitting at a pub one night enjoying a pint. The phone rang and he jumped up shouting, “Whoops, I forgot to feed the dog!”

24. A Higgs Boson walks into a Catholic church admiring the stained glass. A priest walks up and says, “We don’t allow your kind of particle in here.” The Higgs Boson replies, “But without me, you can’t have mass.”

25. A programmer’s wife tells him, “Go to the store and get a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen.” The programmer came home a short time later with twelve loaves of bread.

26. It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

27. What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

28. Einstein, Newton, and Pascal were playing a game of hide-and-seek. It’s Einstein’s turn to count, so he covers his eyes and begins to count to ten. Pascal runs off and hides. Newton draws a one meter by one meter square on the ground in front of Einstein and stands in the middle of it. Einstein finishes counting and uncovers his eyes. He sees Newton immediately and exclaims, “Newton, I found you! You’re it!” Newton smiles and says, “You didn’t find me, you found a Newton over a square meter. You found Pascal!”

29. A mathematician and an engineer agreed to take part in an experiment. They were both placed in a room and at the other end was a beautiful naked woman on a bed. The experimenter said that every 30 seconds they would be allowed to traverse half the distance between themselves and the woman. The mathematician said “this is pointless!” and began to storm off. The engineer agreed to continue with the experiment anyway. The mathematician exclaimed as he walked out the door “don’t you see? You will never actually reach her!” To which the engineer replied, “so what? Pretty soon I’ll be close enough for all practical purposes!”

30. A Roman walks into a bar and holds up two fingers and says, “I’d like five beers, please!”

31. Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French cafe, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He tells the waitress, “I’d like a coffee, please, with no cream.” The waitress replies, “I’m sorry, Monsieur, we are out of cream. How about with no milk?”

32. Entropy isn’t what it used to be.

33. Werner Heisenberg, Kurt Godel, and Noam Chomsky walk into a bar. Heisenberg turns to the other two and says, “clearly, this is a joke, but how can we tell if it is funny or not?” Godel replies, “we can’t know because we are inside the joke!” Chomsky says, “of course it is funny. You are just telling it wrong!”

34. Who is this Rorschach guy? And why does he paint so many pictures of my parents fighting?

35. Sixteen sodium atoms walk into a bar… followed by Batman.

36. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

37. What’s the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist? An etymologist knows the difference.

38. The other day my friend was telling me that I didn’t understand what irony meant. Which is ironic, because we were standing at a bus stop.

39. An MIT linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. “In English,” he said, “a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn’t a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative.” A voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”

40. A photon is checking into a hotel and the bellhop asks him if he had any luggage. The photon looks at him and replies, “naw, I’m traveling light.”

41. Yo mama is sooo mean, she had no standard deviation.

42. I’m thinking of selling my theremin. I haven’t touched it in years.

44. There are 10 kinds of people in this world. Those that understand binary and those that do not.

45. Boris Spassky was once asked by a reporter, “Which do you prefer: chess or sex?”. Spassky replied “It very much depends on the position”.

46. “I’m a linguist, so I like ambiguity more than most people.”

47. “Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?”

48. Did you hear about the jurisprudence fetishist? He got off on technicality…

49. A physicist, a mathematician and an engineer were each asked to establish the volume of a red rubber ball. The physicist immersed the ball in a beaker full of water and measured the volume of the displaced fluid. The mathematician measured the diameter and calculated a triple integral. The engineer looked it up in his Red Rubber Ball Volume Table.

50. I’d tell you a UDP joke, but you may not get it.

51. I prefer IP jokes; it’s all in the delivery.

52. I could tell you a joke about TCP, but I’d have to keep repeating it until you got it.

53. Two fermions walk into a bar. The first says “I’d like a vodka martini with a twist.” The second says “Dammit, that’s what I wanted!”

54. Two women walk into a bar, and talk about the Bechdel test.

55. A physicist, a mathematician and an engineer stay in a hotel. The engineer is awakened by a smell and gets up to check it. He finds a fire in the hallway, sees a nearby fire extinguisher and after extinguishing it, goes back to bed. Later that night, the physicist gets up, again because of the smell of fire. He quickly gets up and sees the fire in the hallway. After calculating air pressure, flame temperature and humidity as well as distance to the fire and projected trajectory, he extinguishes the fire with the least amount of fluid. At last, the mathematician awakes, only again to find a fire in the hallway. He instantly sees the extinguisher and thinks, “A solution exists!”, and heads back into his room.

56. Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath? He took 1/50th of the recommended dose.

57. There are two types of people in the world: Those who crave closure,

58. Two kittens on a sloped roof. Which one slides off first? The one with the lowest mew.

59. An organic chemist, an analytical chemist, and a physical chemist are asked if a certain horse will win the race. The organic chemist asks what the horse has been eating and drugs given to it. The analytical chemist asks for the makeup of the track and mud. The physical chemist starts with “If we assume that the horse is a sphere…”

60. This sentence contains exactly threee erors.

61. A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks “dry?”, he replies “nein, just one”

62. Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says, “Can I have a glass of H2O.” The second chemist says “Can I have a glass of water too.” The first chemist broke down in tears – his assassination attempt had failed.

63. A pun, a play on words, and a limerick walk into a bar. No joke. Edit: Apparently an anecdote was also in attendance.

64. An engineer, a chemist, and an economist are marooned on a desert island. They start to brainstorm a way off the island. The engineer says, “we can lash together some branches and make a crude raft and try to make our way back to land somehow.”

The chemist says, “with the right materials we could build a really smokey fire and try to signal a plane.” The economist says, “okay let’s assume we have a boat…”

65. If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.

66. A Buddhist monk approaches a hotdog stand and says “make me one with everything”.

67. The vendor makes the hot dog and hands it to the Buddhist monk, who pays with a $20 bill. The vendor puts the bill in the cash box and closes it. “Excuse me, but where’s my change?” asks the Buddhist monk. The vendor replied, “Change must come from within.”

68. An angel came down for a meeting of the American Philosophical Association. Greeting the assembled philosophers, the angel offered to answer a single question for them. Immediately the philosophers set to arguing about what they should ask. So the angel said, “Alright, you figure out what you want to ask. I’ll come back tomorrow.” And he left the philosophers to deliberate. Some of the philosophers favored asking conjunctive questions, but others argued persuasively that the angel probably wouldn’t count this as a single question. One philosopher wanted to ask “What is the best question to ask?”, in the hope that someday another angel might make a similar offer, at which point they could then ask the best question. But this suggestion was rejected by those who feared that no such opportunity would arise and did not want to waste their only question. Finally, the philosophers agreed on the following question: “What is the ordered pair whose first member is the best question to ask, and whose second member is the answer to that question?” Satisfied with their decision, the philosophers awaited the angel’s return the next day, whereupon they posed their question. And the angel replied: “It is the ordered pair whose first member is the question you just asked, and whose second member is the answer I am now giving.” And then he disappeared.

69. What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.

70. C, E flat, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, no minors”

71. Knock knock.

Who’s there?

To.

To who?

No, to whom.

72. An engineer, an economist, and a philosopher are hiking through the hills of Scotland. On the top of a hill they see a black sheep. “What do you know,” the engineer remarks. “The sheep in Scotland are black.” “No, no”, protests the economist. “At least one of the sheep in Scotland is black.” The philosopher considers this a moment. “That’s not quite right. There’s at least one sheep which is black from one side.”

73. The barman says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.” A time traveller walks into a bar.