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When you discovered you were pregnant with another child, your first thoughts probably focused on the benefits a brother or sister would bring to your firstborn – not scenes of sibling rivalry. But tug-of-war toy spats, backseat pinching, and dinner table bickering often go hand in hand with having two or more children.

Helping siblings to get along as they grow up is one of the toughest tasks mums and dads face. To help your children develop close bonds that will last a lifetime follow these six steps to sibling serenity.

Let your children care for one another

Encourage your children to nurture one another: let your older child read a bedtime story to his little sister or ask your toddler if she wants to rub her brother's back before his afternoon nap. Or suggest that your younger child give your older child a kiss when she's crying because she’s fallen and hurt herself.

Whenever possible, take a step back and allow them to look after each other. If your three-year-old accidentally kicks his baby sister, rather than run to comfort your crying infant, let your toddler try (assuming she isn’t hurt). This way, your toddler will see himself as a compassionate person rather than a troublemaker. And your baby will be able to perceive her big brother as a gentle, caring person.

See each child as an individual

It’s not unusual for your kids to ask who you love the most. While it’s tempting to tell them you love them equally, the truth is children don't want to hear that – they want to be loved uniquely.

Instead, you might say something like: "You are my only Amy. In the whole, wide world there is no one quite like you."

Another way to help each child feel valued as an individual is to be specific in your praise: "You ate your cereal very well"; "You tidied up your toys like a big boy"; "You were very kind when you shared your cake with your sister".

But be careful not to compare. Nothing breeds resentment like piling on praise at the expense of another child: "Why can't you be tidy like your sister?" or, "Your baby brother has better table manners than you, and you're three!"

Even complimentary comparisons risk stirring up hostility. Your intentions may be good when you tell your toddler: "You're such a big boy dressing yourself – not like the baby." But your older child may become so interested in outperforming his sibling that he'll feel threatened when your baby grows into a toddler who can dress herself.

And try to avoid pigeonholing your children into certain roles, such as the Brain, the Beauty, the Nice One, the Difficult One. Growing children need to experiment with lots of different roles, and you risk ensuring that the Troublemaker becomes forever just that and resents the siblings whose roles he wishes he could try.

Make time for your toddler

A newborn can be all-absorbing, but try to find time when you can be alone with your firstborn – even if it's just a few minutes at bedtime or taking the time to really listen when he's talking to you.

Think of ways you can help your older child not feel left out when you're caring for the baby. If you're about to breastfeed, you might say, "I’m going to feed the baby now. Do you want me to read to you or do you want to rest?" Let your child know you're thinking of his needs, too.

And don't forget to put your older child first from time to time. Once in a while, when the baby is crying, instead of saying, "The baby is making a fuss, hold on," try saying, "Hold on, baby. I have to tie Charlie's shoes." The baby can wait a few more minutes and your older child will see that sometimes he's your top priority.

Embrace conflict

Some sibling rivalry is an inevitable fact of family life when you have more than one child. It’s probably unrealistic to expect your children to love and support each other all of the time. Some experts say that sibling conflict is an opportunity for your children to learn the skills they will need in their future relationships.

Help your children understand that it's normal to feel frustrated and upset, sometimes even with the people you love, but it doesn't mean you care about them less. Then you can start to help them find positive ways to express their feelings and work out their differences.

Listen to grievances, acknowledge concerns

Listen to your child's grievances against a sibling rather than dismiss them, and encourage them to listen to one another.

You'll be tempted to play the part of judge ("You're always being mean to your little sister!"), jury ("I take Emily's side because you steal all her toys"), and jailer ("Until you can share your robot with James, go to your room"). But sometimes it’s best not to solve the conflict for them.

If you simply listen when your child says how jealous, angry or hurt he's feeling because of a sibling, he’ll feel supported by you, which in turn will reduce his resentment toward his brother. You don't have to agree with him. Your role is to be a calm mediator who listens to each child's side of the story so they both feel heard and understood.

Go from conflict to conciliation

Help your children identify their feelings ("You two sound so cross with each other!"), or wishes ("Henry, you really want to play with the fire engine – Sam, you wish you could play with it, too"). Then you can guide them towards a peaceful resolution ("Do you want to pretend there's a fire and play with it together? Or do you want to take turns?").

For your toddler who is stomping his feet and screaming with rage, you can help by voicing what he's feeling, such as: "It made you really angry when the baby knocked down your blocks. Let's find a safe place to play with them so it won't happen again."

If the fighting has already come to blows, separate them and give them a chance to cool off. Then help them begin to start expressing their frustration in a more positive way – through talking, listening and deciding on a compromise.

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