Tinsel Terrorists

“It’s the perfect way to destroy this infidel celebration of debauchery – turning its own most potent symbol against it,” declares self-proclaimed al-Qaeda operative Marek El Luny in his latest You Tube video, as he proudly demonstrates his latest weapon in his glorious fight against Western secular decadence – missiles disguised as Christmas trees. “When the evil orgy known as the Christmas shopping season is at its height, we shall start firing these projectiles from our secret launch sites – all cunningly disguised as shabby roadside Christmas tree sales yards – into crowded shopping centres. Their deadly payloads of explosive decorative balls will cause carnage!” With this, El Luny – dubbed ‘The Tinsel Terrorist’ by the press – prepares to launch one of his missiles, apparently from his back garden, lighting the fuse with a long taper made from a rolled up newspaper, before running and taking cover behind a dustbin. Rising into the air on a tail of fire, the missile quickly begins to topple, barely clearing El Luny’s fence, before crashing into his neighbour’s garden shed and exploding. A jubilant El Luny gleefully declares the demonstration a success, before being forced to hide in the coal bunker from his irate neighbour.

Although many experts have dismissed El Luny’s claims as ludicrous, pointing out that his infernal devices appear to be little more than actual fir trees with firework rockets strapped to them, rendering them completely ineffective, his video has caused consternation amongst Britain’s security forces. “It’s a fiendishly brilliant idea – he can import these devices and transport them all over the country with complete impunity,” says Professor Eddie Backwind, an advisor to the government’s National Security Council. “I mean, who is ever going to suspect a Christmas tree of being a weapon of mass destruction? This man is clearly an evil genius who must be stopped at all costs!” Already, on Backwind’s advice, teams of crack SAS troops have been sent out with orders to destroy all suspicious-looking festive trees. “It isn’t just the threat from missile attacks we’re worried about,” reveals Backwind. “There’s every chance that El Luny and his cohorts have been selling these infernal tree-shaped devices to unsuspecting members of the public as regular Christmas trees, timed to detonate on Christmas day!. Just imagine the horrific scenes as families gather in their living rooms to open the presents stacked under their trees and are instead blown to bits!”

With police and security services having so far failed to locate the terror mastermind El Luny – despite both his You Tube channel and his Facebook page giving his location as Bradford – Backwind believes that the UK’s terror alert status urgently needs to be upgraded. “Even if we foil this madman’s Christmas tree missile attacks, it is becoming increasingly clear that the festive season presents a prime target for terror attacks,” the terror expert opines. “For a start, it’s this country’s main Christian religious festive – what self-respecting crazy Islamic fundamentalist terrorist wouldn’t want to disrupt that? Not only that, but it positively encourages large gatherings of people in shopping centres, carol services and school nativity plays – all affording numerous opportunities for deadly terror attacks!”

Indeed, so alarmed by the prospect of Yuletide terror attacks, the academic has even advised Prime Minister David Cameron that he should consider postponing, or even cancelling, this year’s Christmas festivities. “Frankly, I’m appalled at this country’s lack of awareness of the dangers posed by many festive activities,” says Backwind. “. Take that Santa Claus, for instance – doesn’t he provide the perfect cover for suicide bombers? I mean, a heavily disguised man with a huge beard obscuring his face and carrying a huge – possibly explosive-laden – sack, who everyone immediately trusts, and whose presence in crowded shopping centres and public places nobody questions? Not to mention the fact that he apparently has access to everyone’s house, leaving suspect parcels under their trees!” Consequently, Backwind has persuaded the Home Office to have police issue a warning to the public to report any unexpected presents they receive as possible bombs. “I’m also hoping to introduce a Home Office scheme to produce a centralised register of Santas in time for next Christmas,” says Backwind. “That, along with new police powers to stop and search Santas on sight, should significantly reduce the threat posed by jihadist Santas.”

But Santa Claus isn’t the only Christmas tradition that Backwind fears could be perverted to terrorist ends. “I’m very much afraid that we will have to place a blanket ban upon carol singers,” he says. “It’s quite obvious that they are a perfect cover for gangs of roving assassins –they could just knock on their target’s door and, as they stand there entranced by a couple of choruses of ‘Good King Wenceslas’, let them have it in the heart with an icicle snapped from the target’s own guttering. It would be the perfect hit – there’d be no weapon once there’d been a thaw! Then again, they could just blow the target to smithereens with a collective suicide bomb as soon as they opened the door.” Professor Backwind has also revealed that he is launching an urgent review into the sale of traditional Christmas puddings, amidst fears that they could be used to conceal bombs, and has set up a working group to assess the probability of terrorists poisoning the population by smearing their own lips with ricin and then standing under the mistletoe at office Christmas parties, passing on the deadly toxin to unsuspecting workers by kissing them.

“I know that this might all sound highly ludicrous,” he says. “But the fact is that we have to constantly be on our guard against these fiends and try to get inside their minds and out guess their next move. The fact is that if we can think of committing atrocities through such bizarre means, then so can they!” However, the last word on Christmas terror belongs to the ‘Tinsel Terrorist’ himself, in a newly posted You Tube video, El Luny has announced his plans to strike at the heart of Britain’s festive celebrations. “We will infiltrate you turkey farms and indoctrinate these birds to the cause of Allah,” he says from inside his turkey suit. “They will become suicide bombers, ready to explode in your infidel ovens on your day of decadent family celebrations!” Backwind is in no doubt as to the seriousness of this latest threat: “I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again – the man’s an evil genius!”

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Publisher, Executive Editor and Chief Writer of The Sleaze, the Doc is in the forefront of the campaign to preserve historic 1970s moustaches, and is currently the owner of a fine 1970 Alain Delon, which he wears with pride every Thursday. Before founding The Sleaze, the Doc had the singular honour of being dismissed from the Ministry of Defence's Defence Intelligence Staff following his involvement with the original 'dodgy dossier', which sparked the civil war in the former Yugoslavia. Nevertheless, he stands by his controversial assessment that there is satellite imagery clearly showing Serbian leader Slobodan Milosevic enjoying a three-in-a-bed romp with Princess Margaret and Richard Branson. Following his dismissal, the Doc crossed the Atlantic to enter the film industry, where he quickly became Tawny Kitaen's pubic hair stylist. The proud possessor of the world's largest collection of pornography discovered in hedgerows, the Doc is considered one of Britain's leading experts on smut, and acted as an advisor to the BBC 4 series A Pornographic History of Britain. Now in his early middle years, Doc Sleaze lives quietly in Southern England where he is sometimes allowed to teach Government and Politics to local A-level students. He can be reached through the site's main e-mail address - just don't expect a reply.