Thursday, January 5, 2012

Force Nothing

2011 was not the year I thought I’d have when it began. Funny how that happens, although, to be honest, I’m not sure I could tell you exactly what I thought it would look like. Despite that, it was undeniably a year I needed to have, and it has been, perhaps, the most complicated and nuanced year I’ve experienced. It was horrible, and it was very, very wonderful, and it was everything in between, and it certainly changed the course of my life.

A year is long, and a year is no time at all—just a series of weeks, really, and those are just a series of days when it comes right down to it. And in the blink of an eye, the utterance of one sentence, the course of a day, a moment of insight, everything can change. The year and our lives turn on the smallest moments, singular points in time that may or may not be visible to us after the fact. They’re little cliffs, and we’re constantly leaping.

Leaping off of cliffs this year left me, as it always does, with work to do. There are always cliffs, and there’s always work to be done—but this year, the work in front of me is clearer than usual.

You know how some people choose a word for their year? Something they’d like to focus on, a concept or attitude they’d like to incorporate more fully into their lives. I imagine that when you make such a choice, you see your word everywhere, in everything; every moment becomes an opportunity to practice your word in some way, to draw your focus gently back to the growth you’d like to see in yourself, the work you’d like to be doing.

I’ve never done this. There are so many possible words to work with—which one to choose? Do I have to choose just one? The trick, of course, is to find the word that best works as an umbrella for all the things I’m feeling and thinking about.

There’s an Adrienne Rich poem called “This is My Third and Last Address to You,” and it’s quite long, but really, what I’ve always loved most in it are five stanzas somewhere in the middle. And if you are facing any sort of change or growth—especially if it’s the kind that makes you uncomfortable or impatient, this particular stanza may speak to you as it always does to me:

Is there a word that will stand in for that stanza, that will serve as the umbrella word for my year? Patience is part of it, but I’m reaching for something deeper. A sort of quiet understanding and compassion for myself and others: We all take the time we take to get where we’re going, and we can’t be hurried along. Nor can we be stopped or slowed when movement and growth are really happening—and movement and growth are usually happening, right under the surface, even when we feel as if we’re slow as molasses. Slow is not stagnant.

There’s never any time to waste, and simultaneously, there’s always all the time in the world. A new year comes, just as they always do, right when it’s meant to. We may think we’re not ready, but we are. We may think we know what this new year will hold, but we never do. All we can do is adjust our focus once again, resolve to force nothing, and know that as long as we aren’t letting ourselves stagnate in fear or resistance, then we’re growing, moving forward, making progress. The work we each have to do, when we take the time to know what it is and learn how we might go about it, can be joyful and fulfilling—even in the moments when it’s hard or painful. Because deep work, the work of growth and change, is always as complicated and nuanced as an entire year.

And somewhere in this year, as in every other year, there will be those moments when the world shifts, and everything changes, and we leap off our little cliffs, and that joyful, painful work we’ve been doing (slowly, so slowly) lands us somewhere we really never expected.

***********

(Not a small stone. [Uh, clearly.] This is actually the column I wrote for this month's issue of the newsletter I edit. I felt the need to put it here too, but I needed to wait for the newsletter to be published and distributed. It's been a week, so I've decided the rights revert to me...now! And as careful readers will already know, the lovely Peaceful Peacock, Julie, read this a few weeks back and basically said, "Your word is right there: Miracles." And so it was.)

10 comments:

I think that even in the fear and resistance, we grow. The shrinking in fear has so tired me and frustrated me, the steadfast resistance so tired me out that eventually, at just the right moment, just when it needs to happen, I crumble, worn down. The outer layer peeling off and stripping away to reveal the new, tender next-size-up skin I will grow into.

They're not my favorite way to grow, but for me it's in those stuck moments when the sea ice appears completely solid that the water beneath it shifts imperceptibly, but powerfully nonetheless.

I really enjoyed and needed to read this. I have been muttering to myself and on my blog about my choice of word this year. (This year -pause; last year-balance.) I should know (since is the second year I have done this) that the word evolves and deepens - but this year I have been pretty insecure about pause- it seems so slug like. Anyway your bit about "slow is not stagnant" was really helpful. I hope your year is full of awakenings and blessings.

So interesting -- I read a quote of Henri Nouwen today that reminds me of your "small stone" :"Patience is a hard discipline. It is not just waiting until something happens over which we have no control: the arrival of the bus, the end of the rain, the return of a friend, the resolution of a conflict. Patience is not a waiting passivity until someone else does something. Patience asks us to live the moment to the fullest, to be completely present to the moment, to taste the here and now, to be where we are. When we are impatient we try to get away from where we are. We behave as if the real thing will happen tomorrow, later and somewhere else. Let's be patient and trust that the treasure we look for is hidden in the ground on which we stand."

Renata, may darling: What a great comment! As I said to you elsewhere--much to think about there, and yes, you're probably very right. We're growing even in fear and resistance, until we just get too big for the fear and resistance to even *appear* to be comfortable any longer.

OhanaMama: I actually chose "miracles" as my word, but one of the reasons I love it is that I think it encompasses all sorts of other words--certainly flow is in there, along with faith, and trust, and gratitude, and others.

Elizabeth: That quote is so beautiful. Thank you for sharing it!

Tara: What a lovely, lovely compliment! xoxo

DonnaDonna: I love you so. The changes are hard, for sure, but we get to keep what's most important, always, and then we get to go find the new things that, before finding them, we couldn't possibly have known would be the MOST important.

Amy, very beautifully written! This is something I've struggled with often, how to continue staying open and patient, trusting that we are moving forward even if there is no outward sign that we are, and to not despair or grow frustrated (impatient) that progress does not seem to have been made. Things happen when they happen, we do our best and that's all that we can do. We are exactly where we are supposed to be at this moment in time.

My old roommate used it call it being in "your winter season" - when roots are growing deep, invisible on the surface and yet laying the foundation for a beautiful spring (she's Japanese, they have some beautiful nature-inspired metaphors). My other friend called it "moving in spirals not circles".

Thank you for sharing this and for pointing me to the small stones project. Could be just what I need right now! Cheers, and to a miraculous year.

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6.2.13 "Can I put on this hat again? Then come outside and get cake?" Sure. "But first: I've gotta get out of control."

5.28.13 "I'm going to float out in space and EAT the WORLD!" And what do you suppose the world is going to taste like? "A peanut."

5.28.13 "You know what makes a skeleton even more freaky? A beard and long hair. Or a mustache."

5.6.13 (impromptu song) "We go to the rockin-rockin ri-ver. And we get a cup of lime-ade. And then the kids set the hammock in the sea. And we rock-n-rock-n-rock-n... We go to the rockin-rockin ri-ver!"

5.5.13 (chant, accompanied by a rhythmic back-massage for his mama) "Horse-radish, horse-radish! Horse-radish has a ponytail. Horse-radish has only one earring. Horse-radish has a cup of milk on the table. Horse-radish! Horse-radish! Horse-radish! (endless)

3.16.13 (pulling a dripping Peep out of his hot chocolate) "Are there more of these dumplings?"

3.15.13 "I like turkey vultures. They are awesome."

3.14.13 "Mom. I'm allergic to car light."

3.7.13 "I have three questions. When can we have a baby? Can we plan to go to Dillon Beach? And... We're running out of toilet paper."

2.17.13 "What was the name of the first person? You told me once... I think it was Michael Jackson. What movies has Michael Jackson been in?"

2.11.13 "No one can live on Pluto. Well, Santa can. And Mrs. Claus."

1.29.13 "Here's a shoe! Here's a carrot! People!!!" Penn. You can't feed the Goat Ghost people. "We're cleaning up! And then we're going to play a game with the goat ghost. Goat ghost is fast." (Goat Ghost is Daddy.)

1.13.13 "Mommy, can you make this sound like a rockstar's guitar?"

1.10.13 "I'm going to be awarding you something! Because you're sick. It might be a small basket of kumquats, or... love... or a kiss... or snuggles."

1.7.13 Are you a sleepyhead today? "No. I'm just keeping Daddy company. 'Cuz he's by himself in here."

12.26.12 "Ho, ho, the baby toe, hung where you can not see. Somebody doesn't wait for you, is there one for me..."

12.26.12 "No, we can't put it on the wall. If it fall at deep angle-age, it will break."

12.25.12 What do we do, for work? "You do food, coop-er-a-tive-ly... and Daddy studies."

12.19.12 Know what that is? "Small pox?"

12.8.12 "I just said a bad word." (beat) "Sorry, Santa."

12.4.12 "No apples." Can I use persimmons instead? "No fruit in soup."

12.3.12 "My owie was bleeding a little outside. We wrapped it in wet grass." Who did that? "Ruby. She said she was a doctor. I loved it."

11.20.12 While playing scattergories, "I hope I roll a P so I can put something inappropriate."

11.15.12 "I love you til the numbers run out."

10.7.12 (Watch out for the hot grill!) "I know! Mommy! Sparks flew out, but I survived!"

10.6.12 "When I grow up, I want to build the fastest car. Then I'm going to leave that job and be a scientist."

5.13.12 "This is going to be good heaven." (upon nestling down on the couch with me, to cuddle and drink milk. Happy half-assed mother's day!)

5.7.12 (His pants are on backward; I motion for him take them off.) "You don't have to do that! You can just spin them around!" No you can't, you've got legs. "Oh yeah. Legs."

5.4.12 Overheard: (an explanation from my husband to Penn.) "Alright, yes. There probably is a way we can make a book that lives in the toilet for a while."

5.2.12 "I think Tatum and me are going to live in the same house. When we grow up. It'll have a basement, and an upstairs, and a garage next to the bottom. And an attic, so we can play in it." [All said with maximum delight.]

4.23.12 "Mommy, can I get a little darker skin on me? From outside?"

4.21.12 "Who is the New Yorker? Is the New Yorker a vampire?"

4.18.12 Yesterday, Penn was taking sign-ups for Dragon Lessons. I know this because his friend Tatum is an excellent reporter. What do Dragon Lessons entail? Tatum doesn't know, but she signed up anyway.

4.10.12 Maybe we should clean up a little tomorrow. "Yeah, let's clean up for the thunderstorm. And eat good food. And not touch metal."

4.8.12 (Easter Sunday) "I accidentally ate some more candy. But don't worry, I didn't get diabetes."

4.5.12 (We are discussing how Penn might behave as a big brother.) Remember how Luke feels about Leia? "And how Luke feels about Lando?"

4.2.12 Troy says no. Penn says "Why don't you consider it?"

3.20.12 "Sauerkraut yum!!!!"

3.14.12 Troy mentions his crutches. "Those are called pogo sticks."

3.13.12 "Dad, did you break your leg?" No, just a bone in my foot. This is a splint. "Do you have a fake leg?"

3.5.12 "I love you way too much." (Usually he wakes up with an I-love-you-Mommy, and he frequently says I-love-you-too-much. Why this morning was different, I'll never know.)

12.26.12 "No, we can't put it on the wall. If it fall at deep angle-age, it will break."

12.25.12 What do we do, for work? "You do food, coop-er-a-tive-ly... and Daddy studies."

ToddlerBlog

3.4.12 "Can it be hot and cold?" You mean warm. "No. I want it to be snug. Like a bed." (The bathwater.)

2.29.12 (tshirt wrapped around his neck) "Do I look like Bib Fortuna?"

2.21.12 "You are such a... person who is a toilet."

2.19.12 My husband mutters, picking up objects from the floor: "Sticks. I'm gonna blame that on your genes." Our child fills every pocket with wood chips and stones. Laundry is potpurri. The hoarding is strong within him.

2.18.12 "Eyeball swap!!!! Nevermind. Swap BUTTS."

2.7.12 "Who can be my husband?" Anyone you like, sweetheart. "What if I can't find them?" [Ah. Well.] Then you look for your person, and that person will find you. #thankyou9thcircuitcourtofappeals

2.3.12 Penn. Take a bit of this c̶a̶u̶l̶i̶f̶l̶o̶w̶e̶r̶ tree. Now take a breath while you are eating. What does it taste like? Doesn't it taste like CHEESE? "It tastes like I'm eating a giraffe."

2.3.12 "Double guns actually make you die quicker."

1.31.12 "This will be fancy cool... Toothbutter, you will not come out! ... six pieces of tooth powder... arr, pirates." [post-Star Wars chatter]

1.29.12 "Mom, you're intering me UP!" (silent t)

1.14.12 "Mom, you stink like BUNNIES!"

1.12.12 "Mommy, can we please go to ToiletLand? Noah knows how to get there!" (Troy) Are you sure it's not maybe called ToyLand, or something? "No--TOILETLand!"

12.23.11 "Know what I think we're going to get for Christmas? An UPSTAIRS. Well, not an upstairs, a renovation."

12.21.11 "I can't wait to be a grownup." Why? You don't like being a little kid? "I want everyone to be the same age at the same time and the same size."

12.14.11 (middle of the night) "Mommy. Can I ask you if werewolves are real." Sure honey. They are not real. "Can you blow this dream out of my head?" Sure. *blows on forehead* "In my dream, it was the night before Thanksgiving. There were werewolves coming! And there were these guys, with plenty of eyeballs. One of the werewolves, it tried to bite me. But instead it ate one of the guys with plenty of eyeballs."

12.8.11 (while putting up ornaments of the toy and whimsical variety) What's in that clock, Penn? "Oh, a mouse. But it's sleeping. We should leave it alone."

11.15.11 "How do you make egg nog?" Well, you take eggs, and separate them... "First you take egg." Uh-huh. Then you take-- "Then you take nog!" [Sadly, the recipe ended there, as parents died of laughter.]

11.11.11 "Dad. Would C3P0 get mad if you called him 'C Pee-Pee 0'?"

11.9.11 "Dad, are you up for a baby?" [no was the long and short of it.]

11.2.11 "I had a dream I was a leaf-blower, walking by itself. And blowing leaves! And I had an ear mask. I imagined it."

10.13.11 Whilst playing lego in the other room: "Aw, SHITE."

10.8.11 "Diaper. DIAPER! Diaper. I want a diaper." You want to wear a diaper? "Yes. I love diapers." When was the last time you wore a diaper? When you were three? (Pause.) "Beware. BeWARE of yourself!!!"

10.3.11 Looking at a picture of Ronald Regan and a golden retriever. "Did that dog get a sleep shot?"

9.25.11 [Hits my tummy.] "I like your tummy."

9.13.11 "Dad, can you and Mom make another baby?" Dad: I'll think about it. "But do you still have baby seeds?" Dad: [stifles laugh] Yes. Me: We're talking about it. "But... you're not talking about it. I don't hear baby language!"

9.2.11 "Star Trooper and Darth Vader are camping, and they have to shoot a bear."

8.26.11 "There were midwives helping me come out?" Yup, four years ago today. "What were their names?" One was Jennifer, and another was... hm. "Totoro?"

8.15.11 "I had a dream last night where Tatum made a yodel and light bulbs came out."

7.28.11 "Sometimes, poops take a long time. That's because they're getting dressed."

7.27.11 "Today, we learned about sea turtles. They're actually called fire turtles. They have a bucket in their chests that they can fill up with water and put out fires. They are fire turtles. Don't tell anyone."

7.26.11 "Mommy, where are my seeds?" .... "How do they come out?" .... "Why?" .... "Does it hurt?" ... "Do they make vegetables?" ... "How do they get in the uterus?"

7.24.11 "Mom, I wish we would have that so small kitten."

7.23.11 After babysitting, MD reported the following: Cracks in the road are caused by volcanoes. Captain Penn once stood in a volcano, but he was wearing his safety clothes - from Target.

7.12.11 "So, Mom. If you want a vagina or new knees, you go to the doctor, and they cut your knee off and glue on a new one. I'm serious, Mom."

7.8.11 "When I'm a big guy, I want you to hold me. I want you to hold me forever."

7.1.11 "I steal things! Because I am a serious animal."

6.15.11 "I painted inside my eyes." "Not quite yet-- I want to dry these shells in the lovely air." "Oh, Mom! Look--I found something lovely!" (holds up a clump of mud with a mussel inside a half-clam.)

6.14.11 Yes, Penn? What did you want to say? "I lost it in my head."

6.13.11 "Whoa! That's hogantic!"

6.11.11 "We don't even want jelly babies right now. Right? We don't even want them. Right now. I don't even want jelly babies right now."

6.4.11 "Before Mommy dies, let's get a new baby. From Daddy's belly."

5.28.11 "I ate all of you. Only left is little bones."

5.24.11 "If there were a giant monster inside, and he needed an orange cape, then I think it might be Batman. And he'll knock on the door, and if we don't answer, he'll think we're doing something private."

5.14.11 "I wanna see the purple-ution." [Multi-purpose solution.]

5.14.11 "That's Seattle. Mom, did you know there is a restaurant up there? Poker. Space Poker." [Space needle.]

2.10.11 "I wish we had a lot of bathrooms. And a fire pole. I wish we lived in a fire station. Oh. This *is* a fire station."

1.28.11 **introducting guest-blogger, Miss N (3 yrs)** "Once upon a time there was a spiderman and her name was Sonya. She shot fire out! She met with a robot and they were furious. Then tinkerbell came and saved the robot. Then sleeping beauty came and told them she loved them. Then snow white came and saved spiderman. Then cinderella came and I don't know what she did. The end."

1.23.11 Penn wants donuts, which I've never made. "Oh, I know how to make them. Butter. And brown sugar. And... flour. And... you have to play with the dough."

1.17.11 "I'm not feeling very good, but I can still drink milk. I'm going to be alive for the rest of the day."

1.15.11 "I think I would like a baby, and a sister." And how are you going to get a baby and a sister? "You're going to make them!" Pause. "But how does the cord get in there?"

1.10.11 Home from preschool, Penn spies a coloring sheet I set out for him. "Daddy, Santa came!"

1.5.11 Penn has a friend who has a pterodactyl. Sometimes, this pterodactyl gets sad. And meows.

12.24 After dessert, Penn is given three pieces of candy (which he must wait to eat): "I think this is cranberry" [it's a lozenge], "this is brownie" [it's a tootsie roll], "and this one is... soft cream." [It's a hershey's kiss.]

12.16.10 "There is a snowman, and where his sticks used to be, some new arms come out, and they are robot arms! [makes robot arm gestures] And then a camera comes out of his eyes... and numbers!"

12.1.10 "Do you know what is Columbus? Columbus is a city where you visit your Grandma. And Denis. And you go up, up, up... and you look down, and there are toys."

11.18.10 "Let's hide!" (hiding under blankets) "Mommy. Don't be sad of the dark. It's only dark from space."

11.15.10 "But I want to have a baby in my belly." Well, only people born with uteruses can make babies in their bellies. "I want a vagina." Well, you can have a vagina when you're an adult, if you like. (Additional conversation about surgeries and the costs of getting a vagina.) "I want to have surgery so I can have a vagina."

11.13.10 "I went to the duck store. There was a monster, and he tried to kill me. But... he put lettuce on me! Then turned me into a butterfly."