Zack: I wonder if he has a brass blood sugar test kit. "The pneumatic tubes target the blood."

Dave: He can't wait till the steambetes takes his foot so he can build an awesome brass prosthesis.

Zack: This guy has a wicked gock. Guck?

Dave: Gubis?

Zack: It looks like a giant Homer Simpson is trying to press through the putty of his body.

Dave: Yeah, it freaks me out a little when the belt becomes fully subsumed into the flesh. It gets way too Jim Hensony around the guck area.

Zack: Definitely has the feel of something that could be hanging out with a young Mark Hammil and singing with Miss Piggy.

Zack: Did you ever see the Muppets on the first season of Saturday Night Live?

Dave: Nah, I don't think I did.

Zack: It was about as pleasant as watching the Rock-afire Explosion animatrons singing their birthday song with their skins taken off.

Dave: Well, I imagined his belly sucking Fozzie's dick even before you told me about that, so I'm really no worse off now.

If you are steamed by this article you might just enjoy Liminal States, the debut novel from Zack Parsons. It is technically not steam punk, but part of it takes place in the 19th century, so that's close enough, right?

About This Column

Fashion SWAT... the fashion industry is obsessed with impracticality. We know that what designers create was never meant to be worn by the grimy masses, but that doesn't somehow diminish how ridiculous many of these costumes are. Make no mistake, they are costumes, and like a Halloween prize pageant we will turn our discerning gaze on the grievous fashion misfires of Paris, Milan, and New York. We're not pulling any punches, and we're definitely not interested in making any friends. We're Joan Rivers without Melissa Rivers to temper our screeching. We're the Fashion Police in jack boots. We are Fashion SWAT.