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Dec 13, 2010

Professor X,

You asked in my essay comment section if anything was wrong. I would tell you, but it won't help as it is personal and isfor me to deal with. I will say this: the loss of a child never gets easier. You tell yourself things to get through it and beyond, but it is essentially to please those around you. Always you live with a hole inside, and it will never go away. Never. Holidays are especially stressful, and I have no family with me this year, just my cat, and don't get me wrong, I thank God for her. It's just the roller-coaster taking off again, and me hanging on for the ride. I try to imagine Travis setting beside me, cheering me on, and it helps.

While I love this class, I am looking forward to not trying to appear ok. My son loved literature and reading. He read two or three books a week, and, at 7 he understood the impact of the movie "To Kill A Mockingbird". I remember him being home with me sick from school and we watched it together. It was one of my favorites, and when Tom Robinson was judged guilty, he jumped from the sofa, and pointed indignantly at the TV, saying, "You know that man did not do nothing to that girl! Mama, this is wrong!" But then again my oldest son was absolutely mortified when the witch's monkey men destroyed the scarecrow and would not watch the rest of the movie at all. He was 5. LOLOL...wonderful memories. Now in his 30's he is reading everything he can get his hands on.

This time of year is so hard for so many people. The families of troops in far away lands, worried if they will come home at all. Those trying to live with the fact their troops did not come home alive. People having lost a parent, a sister, a friend, a husband or wife, , whose loss I imagine rivals that of a child. I don't have any easy answers, or none at, really. I just know that we, the survivors, carry on the best way we can.

I put up a three foot tree yesterday with about 500 lights on it, as that is what makes the tree. I often wonder back in the day when trees were lit with candles, just how many cabins and farmhouses burned to the ground on Christmas. "Lordy, Mama, the trees on fire, grab the younguns, looks like we're building another cabin, again!! I think we need to find another new years resolution!" Even I see that's pretty negative thinking. Sasha cheered me up quite a bit as she loves the tree. She inspects it, jumps on the table it sets on, and sticks her head up its hind-quarters, so to speak, and peaks out at me. It is as if she wants to play with it, but doesn't know how. And I'm in the background, saying, "Sasha, get out of the tree, stop that now, you don't want me to come over there, Sasha get down!" And the band plays this same tune every single night. So, then, why do I love it so much?

Been checking out the news and find that Lady Gaga's celebrity rivals that of Obama's, no, exceeds it, and what is up with that? Who cares what she does? Why do we care? I'm just sick of it, though I do admire her for speaking out about the "Don't ask, don't tell" policy which is probably one of the dumber things our government has come up with. Gay people have populated this earth from day one. Maybe they made up that story about Cain and Able. Maybe they just wanted to get rid of Cain because of his sexual preference. I don't know, I'm just thowing shit out here. I'm just tired of this country not moving forward. Do we have to wait until all the bigots with power die before we can accomplish anything that looks like progress in this country? Will the jr. bigots be as bad? (and I'm talking death by old age here! Just letting big brother know!)

Why can't they come up with a prescription drug that treats bigotry and hatred? Why can't they create something that Dr.'s can prescribe to their older republican patients that will take that edge off, loosen up their brains a little, make them realize that the shit they care about is ridiculous! And what is this tea-bag party thing? Who are they kidding? Aren't they just republicans in disguise?

Ok, somebody else jump on the soap box. I'm damned tired.

Oh, and I may be back, but don't count on it. My schooling continues with American Lit, and College Algebra. Oh, jolly jolly day!

The Carrollton Fire department made their run through the trailer park yesterday, sans Santa as it was raining. And here I thought that fucker knew how to get around in bad weather! Who knew? Anyway, I am standing on my porch in the rain, delighted! That's what got me moving to put up the tree. Nothing like a fire truck and ambulance, in full siren to get you in the holiday spirit! What?

I'm sorry I am not using apa format here. I have discovered I hate it, loath it, wish it would go away, it sucks balls.