Wednesday, February 25, 2009

is a sentence i have been able to say in my head twice in one week. our lovely computer, which has had zero problems in about 4 years (and was bought as a hand-me-down from ebay) decided to spontaneously combust. twice.

first the charger, but that wasn't a huge deal, just more of a hassle to have to wait for its arrival in the mail.

then friday night, it was like our dishwasher & laptop had a conversation together & said, "let's see how much we can stress these people out." the dishwasher flooded & since it was on a weekend (of course), couldn't be fixed until yesterday morning. a few hours after the dishwasher explosion, the laptop went on the fritz. they were totally in cahoots, i am convinced.

ben made a run into the apple store on saturday morning, the techy said he fixed it...no charge. ben actually said the words,

"alan, if i weren't a straight man, i would have kissed you on the mouth."

i am sure alan was grateful that his horn-rimmed glasses could hide some of the relief in his eyes that, indeed, ben is a straight man.

it worked for about 24 hours, then late sunday night went out again.

aside from me being ready to explode, this is ben's week of midterms. i can't tell you how many prayers i said on sunday night when the laptop fell apart for the second time...while i was the one working on it.

i knew ben was getting up at 5am to finish his paper. i worked on fixing it until 1am, putting every positive thought out into the universe until finally my cynicysm gave way and my "secret" turned into barely audible curse words. i didn't want to waken anyone with my profanity.

when nature called at 4am, i got back up with a renewed sense of hope. but no, at 4:45 i went back to bed with all hopes dashed. i heard ben rustling around and came out to tell him the bad news. of course he was a lot nicer to me than i would have been to him if the tables were turned. that is just the way it is in our marriage, he always amazes me with his patience.

blah, blah, blah, here we finally are with a working computer again. and luckily we didn't have to replace the whole thing, just the failing hard drive. the new and improved apple man did a 24 hour turnaround and charged about $100 less than the guys from the store.

again, grateful that ben is a straight man because i'm sure this guy would have gotten more than a credit card swipe.

so now i am like 2 weeks behind on blogs & feeling overwhelmed with all the catastrophies that have gone on in the past couple of days.

to top it off...

because i'm sure you didn't get enough of my whining.

i had my doctor's appt today. BP was elevated even more, i had to lay down for a good 25 minutes on that awesomely uncomfortable table in the room, swishing around on that piece of sanitary tissue paper. the BP went down a little bit & then i got "the check" from the doctor.

i'm sure you all know how awesome it feels to have your doctor say to you,

"your cervix is so high it's basically up in your throat."

and i'm thinking, well no wonder i started gagging as you reached around up there.

she had said she could medically induce me due to the elevated BP & history of caleb's birth, but that my body just isn't ready yet.

so tomorrow i get to go into the hospital to have some jelly squirted in me to see if that can get things going. TMI? oops. come on now, i shared that i have stretch marks. surely jelly can't be traumatizing. i have to wait for an hour at the hospital to see if anything changes, then go home & go back to the dr. on friday morning.

remember how i said ben is in the middle of midterms? have i mentioned we only have one car? okay, i will stop. just a lot of juggling going on here.

plus i have heard the jelly isn't that effective, but at this point that is all she is offering. so i guess i'll take what i can get & go from there.

it's been quite a week & i think more than anything it just leaves me feeling really unprepared for this baby. i don't like that feeling. i wanted to feel in control, prepared, and able to practice my lamaze breathing for an hour every night. well not that extreme, but just a little R & R would be nice.

at least caleb has seriously been the best boy ever & that has been a blessing. okay, i am off to bounce around on my exercise ball.

ps-tammy, i just got your package yesterday....THANK YOU!! those burp cloths are to die for! and i love the blanket! you are so thoughtful...you have something offical coming in the mail as soon as i can find my stamps. :)

pss-rachel c., thank you too!!! caleb goes to sleep with the 2 whales, takes baths with the whales, goes swimming with the whales. he has named them suki & sam. and i love the socks! they are almost too nice to let the baby even wear, i want to just keep them wrapped up in their cute packaging.

Sunday, February 22, 2009

let's start out by saying there will be no photos of my own from the photo shoot. at first i wanted to take some to document the occasion, then quickly changed my mind.

why? because, for the love of mankind, i am big and swollen. i feel like a cow who is squeezing herself and her expanded feet into high heels that were too small when they were purchased. (who knew you are supposed to buy 1/2 size bigger than you normally wear? probably you ladies who have dabbled in the high heel department before. i am more of a wedge or platform gal myself, and was not let in on this little secret.)

in fact, this here is a little picture for your visual pleasure to sum up my feelings on my appearance today:

the cankles, the swollen nose. the feet bulging out of the shoes like two little vienna sausages tied up in string. it's like me looking in a mirror...without those fashionable gloves.

we were asked to bring two outfits, one for just "everyday" and then one that was dressy...i think the word used was "sexy" with heels.

and who doesn't feel sexy the week before their due date?

well i feel i have to be given some huge points for effort. i went shopping yesterday with my friend andrea, and she saved the day by providing the dress i wore in the shoot from her own wardrobe. phew, that was a relief. then it was off to find a shirt that was stain-free.

i'm not sure what's happened in the last couple of weeks, but oxy-clean...who used to NEVER fail to take out the stains... has given up trying. maybe i require too much from it. i went through the closet and literally every.single.shirt. that fits me right now, was clean & folded but covered in stains.

well after several hours, and about 2000 calories thanks to the cheesecake factory, i came home last night ready to rock it at the photo shoot. (a sugar rush from a piece of dulce de leche can do that to a hormonal woman.)

that is until i showed up.

i think if the other 3 women had been in my same boat...i mean, huge arc...i would have been fine. however they are just beautiful, and thin and so nice and fun. sigh. insecurities set in.

self-esteem issues + water retention = lynsey about to look like a freak in front of a lot of people.

i try to keep the crazy hidden from most. but i'm pretty sure those photos are going to show a fear in my eyes that could be spotted from miles away. the lunacy is about to emerge folks, and it ain't pretty.

after the solo & group shots, we did individual families...with caleb's dirt smudged face & tired, pink eyes...then a group shot with us all. i was able to relax at that point, because there were about 20 of us and the focus wasn't on me smiling like a doofus while trying to breathe through braxton hicks contractions. those little boogers seem to spring forth at very inconvenient times.

and then it was over. i peeled off the high heels, amazed they didn't have to be surgically removed, and had to say to myself, "what's done is done."

the date for the first show is quickly arriving. honestly i don't know if i can bring myself to watch it. maybe by the time it airs i will be preoccupied by other things? such as a sqwaking newborn...or possibly another bout with mastitis? maybe the delirium from the fever is just what i need. then i can watch myself and be so out of it that i don't notice the extra 10 lbs. that will be added onto this already bursting body.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

ahhhhhh. the charger arrived today. it feels so nice to sit and veg & try to pretend that the dishes sitting in the sink are non-existent. i probably won't be able to get caught up on everyone's blogs but will do my best.

of course knowing now that i can write, brings on a whole lotta writer's block.

i guess i could mention that i gave myself a panic attack about 2 nights ago. how? by reading the last section of "what to expect when you're expecting" to get a refresher on what's to come. it has been almost 4 years you know.i am remembering why after i read it the first time i wanted to throw it in the trash. don't get me wrong, it definitely gets you prepared. but i personally feel that any book that has the words "gelatinous chunk of mucus" should be burned. there is informational, then there is crossing the line.

hands up in the crowd from anyone else who thinks the line was crossed?

my other favorite part of the book is when you're in labor, it gives suggestions of what you could do to "pass time." you seriously think i should be cleaning out my closet at a time like this? prepare a sandwich for the coach? good gracious. the man can take care of himself & better be packing some chocolate in there for the lady bent over as her body heaves in pain.

ben & i started out laughing as i was reading it aloud...then somehow the laughter turned to tears. as ben bawled, i tried my best to console him. okay maybe it was the other way around. at the heart of those tears came the realization:

I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS.

i know that may sound selfish and lame. women do this everyday, right? one loony tune just did it eight times at once! i can do this, right? RIGHT???

as tears came down my cheeks ben asked me what he could do to help ease the anxiety. i told him to knock me out cold as soon as i had my first contraction, then drag my lifeless body to the car & have me checked into the hospital.

i know it is a dumb thing to be scared of. i completely realize that. i know this is a time of miracles and blessings amid the goop & pain. and i'm sure that once it's all over i will look back and say, "it wasn't that bad."

but heaven help me, i'm freaked out.

i know i shouldn't hit the bottle when i'm worried, but i just think there may be healing power in chocolate soy milk. as i reach for it in the fridge i am going to do my best to avert my eyes from the cottage cheese sitting in there, reminding me of the "gelatinous chunk" which is inevitably arriving in about a week and a half.

Sunday, February 15, 2009

so no i am not absent because i am having the baby. however, our second child...our laptop...is sick. the charger broke inside the laptop. after ben performed life-saving surgery, we are now awaiting another charger via amazon.

because we are on low battery here, (i am at 20% and the angry red light is staring at me as i furiously type) this means not only can i not check up on all of my bliggidy blog friends, but i can't really post an update.

which is sad, because for once i have some things to say. ha ha! little funny for the tough crowd. i have an upcoming photo shoot...um, yes i said photo shoot. for chubby little puffed toes me. i should look lovely.

speaking of lovely, and wrapping this up, ben is the greatest man in the world for me. valentines day was complete with:

getting to sleep in until 11am! that's right, i said 11am and i am proud of it. since i don't sleep much at night now due to those consistently persistent painful contractions, it was so fantastic to be able to catch up.

a wonderfully clean apartment which i take absolutely no credit for.

and...

need i say more??? he is so fantastic.

ahhhh! 16%! gotta go...

pray for me to last through this withdrawal from you. it has already been torture. i feel the shakes and the sweats starting again...

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

if you guess correctly i will ship you a bottle of cocoa butter lotion about 3/4 full. but don't bother using it to prevent stretch marks, we all know how well it doesn't work. you'll have to find some other use for it.

so if you guessed that the problem with the picture is that the product is marked "unsweetened" then you are.......

ABSOLUTELY CORRECT!!!

i have two of these cartons sitting in my fridge collecting dust. you can imagine my disappointment when they showed up...via ben with good intentions...i actually tried tasting it & then adding sugar. big mistake. but it was a desperate moment.

in a word, this "unsweetened" mess is blasphemy. blasphemous i tell you. dramatic much? possibly.

but according to wikipedia, and i quote,

"Blasphemy" may be used by extension to describe any display of gross irreverence towards any person or thing deemed worthy of exalted esteem."

and isn't almond-flavored chocolate milk worthy of such exalted esteem? well i for one say it is. so now i'm not quite sure what to do with this sacrilege just chilling in the fridge.

yes it is official, i am huge. and i'm feeling it. and what? is that a stain on my shirt? several actually. thanks for noticing.

wt. gain this month: um, i lost 4 lbs when i got sick a couple of weeks ago and then gained all 4 back so you do the math.

wt. gain total: 20 lbs. now let me just say for you ladies getting riled up (stacey! :) , let's just put this out there. i am 4'11". everyone gains different weight during pregnancies. i was no stick to begin with, so i'm feeling like this is just about right for my height/pre-preg weight. my doctor did ask if i was eating and YES, i am. i get really bugged with girls who don't eat when they're pregnant because they don't want to gain weight. on that note, i will help myself to a bowl of icecream in just a minute.

complaints: my BP shot up a bit this week, which is making me a little nervous. this happened last time & then all of a sudden i wound up on bedrest because i was at the level of having a stroke. not too concerning yet, but just keeping a close eye on it. also i had these crazy painful contractions for about 4 nights in a row, starting at 12am & ending at 6am. i kept trying to sleep during them but i would wake up because my back hurt so badly & my face was on FIRE! there were some serious hot flashes going on.

cravings: well i'm pretty sure i used the words "blasphemy" and "sacrilege" above. that should give you an inkling as to what i am most passionate about lately.

so there you go. i'm a little past 37 weeks and yet still can't believe that i'm going to have a baby. i will save ben the pleasure and diagnose myself with "denial." it still just feels surreal to know we'll have a newborn in about 3 weeks.

Monday, February 9, 2009

since ben has gotten into his psychology doctorate program, he has been warned that he will start diagnosing everyone he knows. well it's already happening & we are only 5 months in. he diagnosed one of his fellow students with asperger's, diagnosed strangers with depression & bipolar disorder, etc.

so we were watching t.v. where two army veterans were attending a 9/11 tribute at ground zero. one said to the other, "i don't like loud noises & i don't like these crowds, they make me nervous."

Sunday, February 8, 2009

so for the online show, i'm supposed to be taping these at-home confessionals where i expose my deepest, darkest innermost secrets. not really. but i am supposed to talk about things...kind of like i do on my blog...but everytime i turn on the camera i totally freeze up. and when i say freeze, i mean stammer like a fool and then start giggling like an idiot and then eventually have to just turn it off.

last night i had ben sit with me and talk with me on camera to try to loosen up but even that made me feel awkward. less awkward, but still awkward.

i just don't know what to say!

and then of course, the opportune times for some good footage...such as caleb's 45 minute meltdown where he threatened to run away about a million times...i don't jump on & then think about it after the fact.

maybe i'm just not cut out for this stuff. yikes, should have thought about how boring i actually am before i agreed to be on the show.

Saturday, February 7, 2009

how is it that i crave you all day long and yet whenever i actually get the opportunity to take you up on your offer, my body/brain just won't cooperate? it is a mean little joke and one that i have quickly grown tired of. no pun intended, of course.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

do you see that? i'm not kidding you. the stains all come in a variety of shapes and colors, but the location is the same. and it's not like i'm even dropping food on myself. i'll look down about an hour after eating and gasp! there it is. sometimes, like this one, in multiples.

ben told me to clarify this one, because he said it looks like poop. i am here to testify that i am not walking around with poop on myself. one is spaghetti sauce and the other is what i can only guess to be part of a raspberry chiller.

the bad news is, the majority of shirts i wear are not maternity because maternity clothes are so dang expensive that i just make due with what i have. but now not only will my entire wardrobe be stretched out, it will be stained. gonna have to hit this one with some oxy clean tonight.

Sunday, February 1, 2009

so i figured i'd write about this because for some reason it's easier for me to write it down than to talk about it...

my sister sent me an email about 3 weeks ago announcing a try out for a show for everyday moms to share experiences about being a mother. the good, the bad, the uuuuuuugly. the rewarding moments, the exhausting moments, the moments we want to pull out our eyebrows.

well we all have those, don't we?

so anyway the try-out was the next day & i lived about 20 minutes away from where it was taking place. so i sent an email introducing myself & some things about me w/ a picture & was asked to come in to audition.

let's be honest, i didn't know what i was doing.

i walked in there, with my non-maternity sweater on...the buttons kept popping open...not a smart choice, and sat down next to some beautifully dressed women. i waited for about an hour, then was asked to come into a room.

in the room there were about 6 people sitting behind a long table, and the room was only lit by two huge spotlights shining right on me. also on me was a camera.

i was interviewed for about 10 minutes, then was told "we'll let you know."

i came home & said to ben, "it was interesting & i felt waaaaaay in over my head." i wasn't even sure yet what i was auditioning for!

the next week i received an email saying i'd been selected as a finalist & to come back for a group interview. okay sure, why not? i showed up to meet with 8 amazing women...when i say amazing, i am not talking lightly here. there were single moms of 4, moms of 5, one publishing a book, a breast cancer survivor (in her early 30's), another undergoing breast cancer treatment who was also an attorney & a mother, two of the cutest sisters you could imagine (made me miss lauren!)...

i felt totally out of my league. i'm not being humble here, this is just reality. the 9 of us sat in a room together for about 2 hours, answering questions & getting to know one another.

i called ben as soon as it was over and said, "well it was fun to try out & i'm excited to watch the women who are selected do the show. but to be truthful, if the choice were up to me, i wouldn't pick me!"

i was trying to be realistic. what do i have to offer that other women would be interested in? aside from beaming with pride today at the fact that caleb sat on the big toilet & went potty without even a whimper at church? even that, i'm not sure how many people care.

but i guess those making the decision about the show felt differently.

i got another call saying i had been one of 4 who had been selected to do the show & would i like to participate?

and said yes.

so what is it, really?

it's an online reality show featuring 4 moms in different stages of their lives sharing "a day in the life" and hoping that it is something that other moms can relate to. the moments that make us laugh, cry, and those that make us want to pull out our eyebrows.

have i mentioned the removing of eyebrows?

the website issheknows.com and has 16 million viewers a month. a MONTH!

sweet mother of pearl, what have i gotten myself into?

we started taping on friday, and then more taping went on at a baby shower i had yesterday. i kind of cramboozled some of the ladies there because i hadn't announced to everyone that the camera would be joining us. sorry ladies.

i have my own camera here at home to do "confessionals"...which i'm pretty sure will consist mainly of me taping caleb's meltdowns. they have become pretty hilarious lately. he is now threatening to run away and screaming "DON'T HURT ME! OW! OW!" when i am nowhere near him. honestly i am sure one of our neighbors in the complex will call CPS on us.

they will be taping moments of the birth. no i will not let them be down there yelling, "she's crowning!"

so there you have it, in a nutshell. there will be a trailer airing in about 2 weeks, and the first show will be aired on march 1st. it still doesn't seem real and i am 100% sure i will look like an absolute fool.

but at least going in there knowing that, i won't be disappointed.

no, this won't be the real housewives of maricopa county. there will hopefully be no cattiness and talking about one another's wigs & implants.

but hopefully it will be real, and something that others are okay with watching.

so does that inspire anyone to want to come & visit us now??? come on, don't be shy.

here's to the next 5 months, it could get pretty crazy....

i'll keep you posted.

(ps-when you look on the website, the lady who does the "daily dish blog" on the right is the main lady i am working with. her name is shay & she is great! so if she's so great, i'm hoping that the experience will be too. :)

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About Me

nicknamed "midge," short for midget... though i'm not one, but i'm close.
i don't love capitalizing, but twitch over incorrect grammar. a lover of music, sweaters, books, photography, naps, pesto, writing, rainy days, stimulating and deep conversation, the ocean, laughter, nutella, and the oregon coast.
married 13 years to a man who likes to express himself through his facial hair and an addiction to cheese, a mother to an intelligent and easily excitable 10 yr old son with cerebral palsy, a 6 yr old daughter full of imagination, sassiness and laughter, a 4 year old hilarious introvert, and our curly-haired sweet but fiesty 1 year old.
this is where i write about surviving as a wife of a doctoral student in the heat of arizona, our move to doctoral internship in texas, pooping adventures, overcoming challenges, overgrown backyard weeds, continual growth and self-awareness in therapy, family love and sibling fights.
currently on a journey of self-discovery, self-worth and acceptance.
i have a tendency to ramble.