SERIES: 31 Reasons Why The Hubs and I Have Lasted 17 Years, #21

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: I am a professional fighter; I learned from the best, my mom. And when I let my temper get out of hand, I get irrational, ugly, dirty. No one is going to listen to what I say when I cross the stark, raving, mad bitch line. When a disagreement starts to escalate, I will now walk away and start typing. Now, I am not talking about having the argument over text message. That is still instant back-and-forth, in the heat of the moment; you might as well be face-to-face.

I’m talking about being at your computer (or on your mobile device), in a separate room, and typing out an email or a Facebook message. That way there is no yelling, ugly faces, wagging fingers or invading personal space. I can get all my “talking” points down, without being interrupted. The hubs has the power to read my email or message whenever he wants to, which is empowering. That’s a luxury I never afforded him early on in our relationship. When I wanted a fight, I would follow him around the house, out of the house, call him at work (that is the worst thing to do to the other, BTW), hound him with my words and screaming and he had no place to hide. Now he can read it when I send it or not. He can read it multiple times and mull over what I’ve said before responding. And he’s a muller. He needs time to absorb, think and come to conclusions.

And I’m OK with him not sending an immediate response. I was able to get out everything I wanted to say and by the time I hit “Send”, I’m pretty much calmed down. And if I think of more points to back up my side of the issue, I just send another message with them in it. This is so freeing and rewarding for me! A verbal argument can go on and on and not be as productive as you’d like because you’ll get tuned out or you’ve brought up so many points that most except the last one or two can even be remembered. By sending him a message, I know that the hubs will “hear” everything I wanted him to because it’s all there in black and white! Every single point is laid out and he can review as many times as he wants and he’ll do it when he is calm and ready and receptive.

As irrational as humans can get when we argue, we are rational enough to know that every argument is not going to end with a “winner” and a “loser”. Most of the times, we argue because we don’t feel that we’ve been heard, feel the other is not even listening to our need or complaint. And let’s face it, it’s pretty hard to listen to the need or complaint when it’s being yelled at you by a stark, raving, mad bitch who’s in your face and may or may not be breaking things in the process. ;o) By arguing through email or Facebook messages, we can trust that the other one has “heard” us. Nine times out of ten, I’m the one sending my whole Powerpoint presentation to him with all my reasons, rationals, market research and proposed outcome*. And nine times out of ten, the only reply I’ll receive is the one I needed the most: “Ah. I get it. I hear you now. I understand.” Followed by hugs and apologies all around.