2016-11-08

I have noticed lately that every fourth year is a lot longer
than the intervening three. This is partially due to the fact that this is the
leap year and therefore contains an extra day – February has the cheek to add
an extra day even though it’s in the middle of winter – but the real reason
this particular year is so incredibly long is that it happens to be the year
when Americans elect their president. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m a big fan of
democracy and the idea of chucking your ballot into a box to say “good luck” to
your chosen candidate and “bugger off” to the rest, but for some reason or
other, the good people residing in the United States of America have decided to
make this contest into a year-long event. This would not be so bad were it not
for the fact that the rest of the world, containing 95% of the members of the
human species, also decides to fill 95% of available space in their newspapers
with speculation and analysis concerning the aforementioned American election.
In contrast, the main (parliamentary) election in my own home country of
Norway, home to almost 0.07% of the world’s population, has never generated as
much as a comma in any foreign newspaper.

Now I am also, through this very blog, part of the world’s
media, so it would seem foolish not to write about the election at all. As you
may have noticed by now, the main topic of the blog is beer, which also happens
to be the most wonderful and diverse drink on the planet. It has therefore
surprised me very much that neither of the two main candidates have, as far as
I can tell, ever mentioned what their policies are regarding the juice of the
barley. It is therefore my duty, dear readers, to investigate this important
issue, and to write about it.

I had no idea how to approach this task, so I basically
googled “how should I approach this task”. Evidently, Google has some clever
algorithms, because it simply suggested “google it”, which I really ought to
have thought of myself. Anyway, having been enlightened, I proceeded to google “Trump
beer” and “Clinton beer”.

Trump’s first google hit was that gay bars in Pennsylvania
and Maryland have apparently decided to boycott Yuengling beer because of the
brewery’s support for Trump – it seems that Yuengling has taken the step of
actually endorsing Trump, and that this has caused a bit of a backlash amongst
the drinkers who don’t share the brewery’s view on this matter. Next comes the
story of a Chicago brewery not quite as fond of Trump that renamed some
leftover beer they had “Chinga Tu Pelo”, which is Spanish and translates to “fuck
you hair”. Nice.

Clinton’s results weren’t quite so interesting. She
apparently went for a beer sometime in May to showcase the fantastic American
craft brewing industry, and was pictured pretending to like some mysterious
concoction that looked a bit like a chunk of black hole in a glass. The only
other noteworthy hit on the first place was that someone had come up with the
ultimate election night accessory – a Chillary Clinton Can Holder. What more
could beer drinkers want whilst either celebrating or drowning their sorrows?

So there you have it – neither candidate has made a big
effort to win the beer drinker’s vote, and neither seems to have spent much time
in pubs drinking beer. Herein lies the problem, I think. The campaign will be
remembered mostly for being the nastiest in democratic history, with each
candidate spending most of the time telling the unfortunate voters what a
terrible person the other candidate is. Beer drinkers don’t tend to act like
that, mostly because we’re a sensible bunch, but also because we realize that
there are more important things in life than politics, such as beer. In fact, I
am convinced that televised political debates would be much less venomous, as
well as much more fun, if they were conducted in a pub serving great beer. You
only hear the truth from children and drunk people, they say, and I could imagine
the debate ending after like the seventh pint when Clinton and Trump embrace
and declare their love for one another whilst agreeing to move the White House
to an old brewery in Wisconsin from where they will share the presidency and
brew great beer. Then they would invite all the world leaders over for a giant
beer festival where, simultaneously, no boring lager would be served and all
the world’s problems would be solved.

On this optimistic (though perhaps ever so slightly
unrealistic) note I shall wish you all a happy November 8th,
regardless of which country you may reside in and whether you have the opportunity
to vote today or not. Remember, though, that if you’re in the supermarket, the
pub, or perhaps somewhere else where different beers are on offer, you can
always vote for your favourite beer by exercising your power as a consumer. Vote
and drink wisely, my friends! Cheers!