The one in which I mention bras and whorehouses?

Monday, September 28, 2015
7:49 PM

Ten things this week - some of which fall under the giant umbrella topic of People Are Crazy.

***(warning warning warning.... if you don't want to read about bras, houses of ill repute and Queen Esther's love life, stop reading now.)1. I asked a friend who keeps track of all our email addresses in my older adult group at work - a large group of about 40 regulars that I keep company with several hours a week - to send out a group mail reminding everyone not to wear strong perfumes at the gym. And Lord. I had no idea the passion that certain people feel about their scented toiletry products. So she sent out the message and in return got a slew of angry replies. And I got a headache. Not just from the strong lady perfume wafting through class, but from defending my friend the messenger from the verbal assaults of others. So in the end I ended up sending out gentle reminders of how we should all just be nice to each other - oh, and by the way, don't come into my classroom again smelling like a whorehouse on a Saturday night. (I'd like to give credit to my dad for that phrase - but I can't because I don't really know how I know that phrase. But sadly, I do.) 2. Um.... Kid 3 hung up the phone on me Friday afternoon after he called after school to see if he could go back up to the church where we found him playing Frisbee last Friday when it turned out he was not at all kidnapped. And when I told him yes he could go, but that I would have to pop on by there to confirm the actual existence of adult supervision and planned activities - I think, but not sure because it may have been a nightmare - I believe he told me that he just wouldn't go to the church if I was going to BURST all in there and embarrass him. Then he hung up. And at that very moment he should've totally said a prayer of thanksgiving that I was about 5 minutes down the road and not within a reasonable arse whooping distance. So of course I called him back and told him that I will BURST into anything and anywhere I want to make sure my kids are safe and doing what they're supposed to be doing. So Kid 3, prepare to be embarrassed lots more in the years to come, as I have only begun my bursting into your young life. I predict my best bursting is yet to come. And it may involve a loud speaker and my pajamas. Oh yeah, and tell your brothers too.3. Kid 1's cleats got stolen after his game this week. But it turns out he didn't lock them up in the locker - all confused and exhausted after a long day and late night game. So I told him it just doesn't make sense for a teammate to steal another teammate's shoes because he could totally see them on the thief's feet at the next practice. But it happened. And no one ever said criminals were all that smart. But now this one has a great new pair of cleats to wear with his guilty conscience. 4. Also this week, Kid 2 got a medical diagnosis from a fellow 8th grader who is interested in the body and such and may or may not one day pursue actual study in medicine. But this week she is handing out free medical exams - so let me know if you want Kid 2 to hook you up. Anyway, he found a very suspicious bump on the back of his neck. Right at the hairline. He asked me about it one night and my mom opinion was that it's just acne. Doctor 8th Grade, however, disagrees with my opinion and diagnosed him with a gassy neck. Which I never even knew anyone could have. She feels that the bump looks a lot like gas build up from him not popping his neck enough. I think I need to go see her for a check up on this lower back pain I can't seem to shake. 5. I Peanutized myself on that app that's been floating around Facebook the last few days.

I think she looks just like me. Don't you?

I am absolutely not planning to go see the Peanuts movie because I saw the previews and I think they may have ruined the Peanuts gang forever. But this Peanutize yourself app was all over Facebook and though it was a total time suck, I did it anyway. You can make one of yourself here. You know you want to.

6. I had one of those very serious moments that may or may not affect my child's life forever at the school. One that made me exclaim, I'm about to put on my bra and go up to that school! And THAT, folks, is serious business.

7. Speaking of bras. I made a possibly rude, though totally unintentional comment about a client's push up brassiere in class the other day when she asked me to correct her form on a weighted bar chest press. So when she said she was having difficulty getting her arms in proper placement, I said something to the effect of... those push up bras don't really do us any favors at the gym. And then she told me that she wasn't wearing a push up anything - and that what is preventing her ability to perform a quality chest press is au natural. Oh... and I also offered to help a guy stretch after class. Because he totally needs it and I see a hamstring incident in his future. But when I offered, he got all shy eyed and word stumped like I asked him to the prom. And he obviously mistook my professionalism and good natured offer to go above and beyond the call of duty as an I want to marry you over there on the stretching mat, fella.... The preacher is waiting. Some days I wonder how I've lasted in this profession as long as I have.

(to the guy at the gym if you ever run across this and find yourself talked about on the blog..... I think you are totally worth marrying on the stretching mat. I think your wife would agree. However, I was a sweaty mess that day and in no way ready for a post workout wedding. Also, I think the state of Texas has laws against me marrying a second husband.) 8. This is a picture of Kid 3's feet in church Sunday morning.

No shoes. He came into church with shoes because I'm pretty sure I told him back at the house to just put on the #%#$* shoes and get in the car. Also in church as the substitute pastor told us how Queen Esther was chosen to become queen because of her great beauty, husband whispered into my ear that she was really chosen as queen because she was good in bed - if I may quote Fireman Dave the Biblical scholar. Which just proves THAT is how men interpret scripture. And from then on I have no idea what the preacher said.

9. I nearly fell down in the Stein Mart as I tried to squeeze through a rack of sweaters and a giant box of something - maybe pillows or whatever. Because I was wearing some decently elevated boots while trying to both squeeze through a small space and hold on to the items I was taking to the register. But the giant box had a big piece of packing tape sticking out from it - that clear kind that you use to pack and mail boxes and is totally invisible to the high heeled booted eye - and it got stuck to the top of my right shoe while my left shoe kept walking. And it was not a graceful save, but a save nonetheless, and I don't have any broken bones from my shopping trip. I should've complained and asked for a free dress to be thrown in for my emotional distress. .......... Which takes us to number 10...............10. I went to a book signing yesterday because it seemed such a grown up thing to do and also very cultured. I love the author's work because she reminds me of me, but curses a whole lot more than I do. And she has panic attacks as well, which makes us almost sisters in the world of mental health. I even put on cute jeans and heels and all that glitters. But I ended up leaving early and sitting in my car jotting down things I want to share on the blog. Because I got in there and found there were
a whole lot of people there and I remembered I just don't like crowds.
And I also found out I like the author much more on paper than I do in
person, which isn't altogether a bad thing. Because I have a feeling a
lot of y'all say the same thing about me.But what I
noticed is that I didn't talk to anyone there. Even though we obviously
have something in common because we all showed up to hear the same
author speak about the same subject. And I decided
that's exactly why I blog. Because I can write anything I want on here
and it's just like saying it out loud, but not. (Refer back to mention of bras and brothels.) So I chat on and on here like we're just sitting around in my front yard chairs talking - and then I hit the scary publish button. And all of a sudden I find that a billion people just read what I
wrote and I breathe a conflicted sigh of anxiety/relief that ...HOLY
COW.... a billion people just read what I wrote. And then I start
wondering who read it and if they liked it or if they're sitting at home
laughing - at me, not with me. That's the anxiety kicking in.

Thank goodness I'm still a work in progress. I think that may be the best line out of the whole list today. (But
whoever you are reading this today, I love you for always coming back
for more. Thank you for being a friend. Pretend I just sang that to you like the theme to The Golden Girls TV show.)

Have a good week.

post script - because I'm an Aggie and we just discussed, um.., houses of ill repute and the like.... I just can't resist. (The Aggie Boys song, Best Little Whorehouse in Texas)