Um, okay! Good day, and welcome to the Hoser. I'm Bob McKenzie and this is my brother Doug.

Doug

How's it goin', eh?

Bob

Today this topic is firewood. Okay, go.

Doug

Ok, we went camping, right, and like so every night it gets cold, eh, so like you gotta start a fire. So we do and then like the park rangers come up to us and say "hey, you hosers! Put the fire out!"

Bob

Yeah, so we look over to the next campsite and point to them and say "hey, what about them?"

Doug

But we didn't know the fire was supposed to be in the fire pit. Like I thought it was a garbage bin or something.

Bob

And there's a good reason to put the fire in the pit, cause like my tent caught fire but the rangers put it out, eh, but like then I had to sleep in Doug's tent. Geez. I wish we hadn't had those beans for supper. I've never heard or smelt you slice cheez like that before!

Doug

Well, at least it didn't smell as bad as your feet! When's the last time you washed them, eh?

Bob

Take off.

Doug

So anyway, the rangers said we could stay as long as we didn't cause any more trouble.

Bob

Right.

Doug

Okay, so we didn't bug the rangers and they didn't bug us. Well, I didn't bug the rangers.

Bob

Don't tell 'em the story.

Doug

I'm gonna.

Bob

Don't!

Doug

Take off. Okay, hoser got us kicked out, and I'm gonna tell you why.

Bob

Aw, geez!

Doug

So like a week later we run out of wood right so like I say I saw a sign on the way to the provincial park about cheap wood but like hoser here says he can get it cheaper right? So like he goes off into the wilderness and like I don't see him for like hours and also don't notice that he took our axe with him!

Bob

Geez.

Doug

So like hoser here spends a day cutting down a tree and then getting caught by the park rangers.

Bob

Like, there weren't any signs saying it was a protected forest.

Doug

What about the fence?

Bob

You know, like, I thought it was to keep the deer from attacking the campers.

Doug

Geez. Good thing we didn't have a gun with us. Or I woulda used it on you.

Bob

Take off.

Doug

So anyway, the park rangers are real mad, eh! So like they say to get out and don't come back.

Bob

Yeah. So I think we're banned from that park.

Doug

You think we're banned? You hoser.

Bob

You're a hoser!

Doug

No, you're a hoser!

Bob

Oh yeah? Well you're a beer-guzzling, tuque-wearing hoser!

Doug

So are you!

Bob

Oh, yeah. That's right. Anyway, that's the topic for today. Do the song again.

Doug

Okay. COO-ROO-COO-COO-COO-ROO-COO-COO!

Bob

One more time!

Doug

COO-ROO-COO... hey, what am I doing? People are reading this, they can't hear me!

The Hoser

My main page, with news related to a bunch of Canadian comedies, including SCTV and The Red Green Show. There's also sound clips from both of those, plus an online newspaper, The Hoser, "written" by Bob and Doug McKenzie.

Contact Bob

Send me your questions or comments about anything on the site to codorjan@gmail.com. I'll try to reply within a few days of receiving the message, but make sure you tell me what page you're talking about.