You can almost see the “Saturday Night Live” sketch right now (assuming “Saturday Night Live” decided for one week to get incredibly niche, and do a sketch about the reaction to a Terrence Malick movie):

INT. MOVIE THEATER – NIGHT.

A confused looking PATRON walks up to the theater’s ticket desk. A dead-behind-the-eyes CLERK waits motionless and emotionless as he approaches.

PATRON
Hi there.

No response.

PATRON
Yes, um, there’s a problem with “The Tree of Life.”

CLERK
What’s the matter?

PATRON
Um, yeah, it’s just…it’s just a little too visionary for me.

CLERK
Too visionary?

PATRON
Yeah. Too much vision. Also the dinosaurs in this are a lot different than the penguins in “Mr. Popper’s Penguins.”

Aaaaand scene. Look, people, I get it. I wasn’t a huge fan of “The Tree of Life” either. But we live in a society. And this is the social contract: you pay your money and you see the movie. You can think whatever you want about it, but you don’t get your money back just because you didn’t like it. When I used to work in a comic book store, every month or two without fail someone would buy a comic then return a few minutes later and say “I don’t like it, I want a refund.” To these people, I would carefully explain that that’s not how it works. “You already read the book,” I would say. “You paid for the experience, not the satisfaction.” And then I would call the police.

I do love that the Avon’s note explains that “Tree of LIfe” is a “uniquely visionary and deeply philosphical film from an auteur director,” as if for some people, reassuring them that it came from an “auteur” and not some hack from East Bumblesville will assuage their anger. If I lived closer to Stamford I would work up a disguise, get a hidden camera and go complain about the auteur theory. “This is not what Truffaut meant when he said there were no good and bad movies, just good and bad directors! I staunchly refuse to expand my horizons!” I can’t wait to see what the Avon says about “Uncle Boonmee.”

Do you think you deserve your money back after a bad movie? Tell us in the comments below or on Facebook and Twitter!

The Best Of The Last

The end is near. In mere days Portlandia wraps up its final season, and oh what a season it’s been. Lucky for you, you can watch the entire season right now right here and on the IFC app, including this free episode courtesy of Subaru.

But now, let’s take a moment to look back at some of the new classics Fred and Carrie have so thoughtfully bestowed upon us. (We’ll be looking back through tear-blurred eyes, but you do you.)

Couples Dinner

It’s not that being single sucks, it’s that you suck if you’re single.

Cancel it!

A sketch for anyone who has cancelled more appointments than they’ve kept. Which is everyone.

Forgotten America

This one’s a “Serial” killer…everything both right and wrong about true crime podcasts.

Wedding Planners

The only bad wedding is a boring wedding.

Disaster Hut

It’s only the end of the world if your doomsday kit doesn’t include rosé.

Your Portlandia Personality Test

Carrie and Fred understand that although we have so much in common, we’re each so beautifully unique and different. To help us navigate those differences, Portlandia has found an easy and honest way to embrace our special selves in the form of a progressive new traffic system: a specific lane for every kind of driver. It’s all in honor of the show’s 8th and final season, and it’s all presented by Subaru.

Ready to find out who you really are? Match your personality to a lane and hop on the expressway to self-understanding.

Lane 10: Trucks Piled With Junk

Your junk is falling out of your trunk. Shake a tail light, people — this lane is for you.

Lane 33: Twins

You’re like a Gemini, but waaaay more pedestrian. Maybe you and a friend just wear the same outfits a lot. Who cares, it’s just twinning enough to make you feel special.

Lane 27: Broken Windows

Bad luck follows you around and everyone knows it. Your proverbial seat is always damp from proverbial rain. Is this the universe telling you to swallow your pride? Yes.

Lane 69: Filthy Cars

You’re all about convenience. Getting your car washed while you drive is a no-brainer.

Lane 43: Newly Divorced Singles

It’s been a while since you’ve driven alone, and you don’t know the rules of the road anymore. What’s too fast? What’s too slow? Are you sending the right signals? Don’t worry, the breakdown lane is nearby if you need it.

Still can’t find a lane to match your personality? Check out all the videos here. And see the final season of Portlandia this spring on IFC.

Last-Minute Holiday Gift Guide

It’s the final countdown to Christmas and thanks to IFC’s movie marathon all Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, you can revel in classic ’80s films AND find inspiration for your last-minute gifts. Here are our recommendations, if you need a head start:

Musical Instrument

Great analog entertainment substitute when you refuse to give your kid the Nintendo Switch they’ve been drooling over.

Breakfast In Bed

Any significant other or child would appreciate these Uncle Buck-approved flapjacks. Just make sure you’re not stuck on clean up duty.

Cocktail Supplies

You’ll need them to get through the holidays.

Dance Lessons

So you can learn to shake-shake-shake (unless you know ghosts willing to lend a hand).

Comfy Clothes

With all the holiday meals, there may be some…embigenning.

Get even more great inspiration all Christmas Eve and Day on IFC, and remember…