Tag Archives: baby food diet

WAIT!

BEFORE YOU READ THIS POST …. I highly recommend reading the following posts first. And, by “highly recommend,” I mean you’re not going to know what the snot I’m talking about unless you do. Don’t worry. They’re not long. As I am mostly illiterate.

Seriously, read those first. …. Don’t just keep reading. … It will be much funnier and make much more sense. I promise! Have I ever lied to you before?!!?

Today’s Weight – 117.3

I am somewhere between 5’3″ and 5’4.” I am not a crazy person. Well, mostly not a crazy person. I would love to be 115 pounds for Christmas. Do I expect to reach that goal during this five-day experiment? Probably not. I’m weak and it’s only five days. Still, I figured any weight I could shave off BEFORE the onslaught of holiday gluttony is a good thing, right? Of course right.

I just made myself laugh. (That happens more than it probably should.) I was writing today’s wrap-up and creating a link to yesterday’s post. And I entered the same codes I’ve been using every day. For example, yesterday’s installment entitled “Baby Food Diet – Day 5” would be abbreviated to “BFD – Day 5.” B – F – D. Baby Food Diet. Of course, that’s not how Urban Dictionary defines it. Their interpretation is a little different. A little stronger …

Big … F(hi, Mom!)ucking … Deal

I like the parallel meanings for the acronym. And I think they both apply here. Because it is a pretty BFD that I managed to stick to the BFD for five straight days with no cheating. I really wanted to do it. To see if I could. To challenge myself a little. To laugh at myself a lot. And to write about all of it. So, to close things out properly, I conducted a little interview with myself today. It was tricky getting an appointment with me. I am apparently a very busy person. And I don’t always return my calls. But I finally tracked me down to ask a few questions. Here’s how it went.

Q: Thanks for agreeing to meet with me today on such short notice. Tell us how you heard about the diet. And would you recommend it?

“Well, The Baby Food Diet is one of the crazier get-thin-quick fads to come out of Hollywood. It’s credited to celebrity trainer Tracy Anderson and linked to actresses like Jennifer Aniston, Reese Witherspoon, Gwyneth Paltrow, Lady Gaga and Marcia Cross. And, while I certainly don’t recommend it as a lifestyle, it’s an easy way to drop a few pounds quickly before a big event you might have on the weekend.”

Q: Will you ever do it again?

“Who knows? Maybe … if I ever have three days to fit into a dress or something. Honestly, after the third day, my body adjusted to the lack of salt and sugar, like a Sugar Busters dieter, and I felt fine. I even got to where the food didn’t taste too bad. Except that blasted Macaroni & Cheese. I’m going to have nightmares about that one for a long time.” (insert canned laughter)

Q: How was it going back on real food?

“I was a little nervous about the transition. I didn’t want to jump in too quickly and shock my digestive system. So, oddly enough, the first thing I ate was squash soup. Not my recipe but something I bought from Williams-Sonoma. It’s not a far cry from the stuff I’ve been sustaining myself on for the last five days. Still, there were small bits of garlic in it and the whole thing had plenty of grown-up seasonings … including salt! It didn’t take much to fill me up. And isn’t that sort of the point of a diet?”

Q: And what about your big epicurean feast tonight?

“That question can probably best be answered in picture. So to close out the BFD series, I want to share a photo journal of my evening with the family at Bud’s Broiler, a New Orleans institution since the 1950s. As you can see, I absolutely hated it.” (more canned laughter, mixed with a little booing from a few audience members who don’t get the joke)

That concludes our Baby Food Diet series.

So until the next inspiration of perfect dumbassery hits … Ta-Ta!

Revisiting an old favorite for MamaKat’s writing prompt asking for a blog post inspired by the word challenge. This post is the last in a series (all posts leading up to it are linked at the top of this one) about following a strict BABY FOOD DIET CHALLENGE for five days! I definitely started to get a little oatmeal-headed there at the end.

Today’s Weight – 118.1

I am somewhere between 5’3″ and 5’4.” I am not a crazy person. Well, mostly not a crazy person. I would love to be 115 pounds for Christmas. Do I expect to reach that goal during this five-day experiment? Probably not. I’m weak and it’s only five days. Still, I figured any weight I could shave off BEFORE the onslaught of holiday gluttony is a good thing, right? Of course right.

So here we are. Day Five. What can I write about baby food? What … can … I … write? Wow. Five days is kind of a long time, huh? The funny thing is that about a day or so ago I stopped craving real food so intently. Yeah, I think that’s super weird, too. And it’s hard to be witty on baby brain. I guess that’s why babies don’t speak much and everyone claps when they do something as simple as smile. Not to worry though. I’ll be back to splitting atoms and completing algebraic equations once the fat and carbs kick in. Until then, here’s a fun little allegory about what’s happening tomorrow.

Okay. So, in this film clip, the Indian = me and Christopher Lloyd = you. And the water fountain? Well, since it’s the apparatus he used to break free of his shackles, I think it represents the cheeseburger* that I’m going to ingurgitate tomorrow. Except that I am so not throwing it out the window. Seriously, it could hit the greasy floor and I would still eat it. But that’s a bet for a future post, isn’t it?

*Be sure to vote in the poll at the bottom of this post to help me decide which food shall be my emancipator.

Still need proof of my commitment? Well, then you’re just mean. But I’ll give you another picture anyway.

Vivien said that, since I started this regimen, our garbage has been very “loud.” Today I realized why. It’s all those baby food jars clanking against the beer bottles. Although my jars seem to outnumber Dave’s bottles ten to one. I think it’s time to admit I might have a problem.

I’ll probably have a few jars left over tomorrow, freak show … and they’re yours.

Total calories for the day – 1023

Things We’ve Learned and/or Questioned Along the Way

Having your skinny pants fit perfectly is pretty freakin’ cool.

I’m aware of the fact that, as soon as I have so much as a bite of toast, I’m going to balloon up faster than Sherman Klump.

If you eat enough baby food, you will in fact start to smell like baby food. I’d like to think people thought I was a new mom again. But with my luck they probably just thought I was a young (and obviously involved) grandmother.

I realize why I miss dairy so much. I’ve had plenty of fruits, vegetables, “meats,” and starches but I’ve just about completely overlooked my dairy. Because babies under one are either drinking formula or (second vomit belch) nursing. And while I was a supplier for nearly four years, I draw the line at being a consumer.

I dodged a bullet today when I attended my girl’s choir concert. Thank God only the kids were admitted to the hotel’s holiday lunch. I wasn’t ready to pull out my baby food jars in front of a bunch of parents who trust me to watch their children from time to time.

A gratuitous picture from today’s concert. Them’s my skinny pants.

Oh, and one more thing. VOTE IN THE POLL! I’m finally eating real food tomorrow and you guys know I can’t be left to decide these things for myself. Cross your fingers that my infantile digestive system handles everything beautifully.

Today’s Weight – 119.4

I am somewhere between 5’3″ and 5’4.” I am not a crazy person. Well, mostly not a crazy person. I would love to be 115 pounds for Christmas. Do I expect to reach that goal during this five-day experiment? Probably not. I’m weak and it’s only five days. Still, I figured any weight I could shave off BEFORE the onslaught of holiday gluttony is a good thing, right? Of course right.

So I have a theory. Want to hear it? (Nod your head, damn it.) I know the secret behind the Baby Food Diet. Let’s take a look at what’s happening in my skull approximately ten times each day, shall we?

ME: (pensively … or as pensive as a dumbass subsisting on baby food can be) I’m hungry. What do I want to eat? … What to eat? … What to eat? Well, there’s Rice & Lentil dinner … or Spaghetti in Tomato Sauce with Beef … or Plums, Bananas & Brown Rice …. um …. Wow. You know what? I’m good. I think I’m just going to go to bed.

The soft stuff is like cat food. Or cat puke. I can’t decide. (Either way, I get it now, Milo.) And the “hard” stuff, like my cookies, tastes like dog treats. Or so I am told. I should probably test that theory. In any event, it’s probably a good thing I decided to go public with this thing to keep me motivated. And honest.

The bottom line is … I miss food. Like a dear, departed friend. And I realized that I haven’t allowed myself to grieve properly. So today, inside of about three minutes, I pushed though the five stages of grief.

1. DENIAL (top left) – “This is going to be awesome. Piece of cake. My babies were great eaters. How bad can it be? Maybe I can even find something with cheese in it.”

2. ANGER (top right) – “WHAT THE …” (gagging) “WHO IN THEIR RIGHT MIND WOULD EAT THIS CRAP?” (throwing jar at wall) “YOU SUCK, GERBER!” (to anyone dumb enough to call) “NO! I DO NOT WANT TO GO OUT FOR PIZZA, YOU JACKASS! CAN’T YOU SEE I’M EATING MY F*CKING ‘MIXED SPRING VEGETABLES WITH PASTA?’ GOD, YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT!!”

Total calories for the day – 1031

Things We’ve Learned and/or Questioned Along the Way

There are too many freakin’ pictures of my face on today’s post. Sorry. I’m not in my right mind and have no intention of redoing this shit.

I STILL WANT SALT! And also cheese. (That’s weird. Why didn’t I yell cheese? I want it even more.)

I want to compete on Survivor. I’ve never seen the show but feel I could now kick ass on it.

After three days, my appetite is dramatically decreased. I realize that’s a mixed blessing. It’s probably a good thing I have only one day to go.

I fear all of my weight loss is coming from my cheeks. Sadly, I mean the ones on my face.

Oh, and one more thing. I’ve got another poll for you. Yes, it’s true. I haven’t been (overly) plagued by gastrointestinal issues so far. But the term “explosive diarrhea” comes to mind again when I think about being set loose the day after tomorrow. I’ve already been asked several times on Twitter what I’m going to binge on first. And my sweet boy told his dad we need to go out to dinner to celebrate the end of this thing on Wednesday. But I can’t decide where.

Today’s Weight – 119.8

I am somewhere between 5’3″ and 5’4.” I am not a crazy person. Well, mostly not a crazy person. I would love to be 115 pounds for Christmas. Do I expect to reach that goal during this five-day experiment? Probably not. I’m weak and it’s only five days. Still, I figured any weight I could shave off BEFORE the onslaught of holiday gluttony is a good thing, right? Of course right.

It’s Day Three. Know what that means? It means that at noon today I hit the halfway mark on this thing. Two and half days down, two and a half to go. Hey! I can still do math. That’s awesome. Because I’ve started to feel a little stupid. Not because I’ve solemnly vowed to all of you that I’d eat nothing but baby food for five days straight (I’m freakishly proud of that) but rather because my diet consists solely of food meant to provide mental staying power for a human whose age is still represented in months. As I see it, the fact that I’m holding my head up independently, handling my own spoon and walking without hanging on to the sofa is HUGE! How many babies do you know that can do all that after only a few days?

Oh, and I have a few more awards to give out today.

SMELLS MOST LIKE PUKE

This swill is from yesterday. It wins hands down. Milo had a freakin’ field day when I unleashed it. And I ate it with my nose pinched. I am totally serious.

TASTES MOST LIKE SOMETHING I WOULD EAT WHILE NOT ON THIS DIET

Split Pea & Carrot Soup. Who knew? I don’t even think I like real Split Pea Soup. But this one was amazing. Okay, maybe that’s a bit of an exaggeration. Let’s just say it was … palatable. After I added a trinity of saltless spices (onion, garlic & chili powders) to it. Of course, I only bought one jar of it.

Still need proof of my commitment? Remember the Macaroni & Cheese sludge I ate yesterday? The one I’m awarding ‘TASTES MOST LIKE PUKE?” Well, I stupidly bought three of these mothers. And far be it from me to “starve babies” and waste this disgustingshit important nutrition. So I am powering through. HARDCORE. Today, I forced down jar #2.

And seriously??? BACK THE HELL OFF, MILO!!! This one’s Apples, Mango & Kiwi. Where were you when I was choking down the freakin’ YACK & Cheese?

Things We’ve Learned and/or Questioned Along the Way

The icky sweet taste that has become a permanent fixture in my mouth might just make me go postal. A word of warning … Check the rooftops around you when you’re in open areas for the next two days.

I WANT SALT!

To my friends who worried that I would either be plagued with constipation or explosive diarrhea, know that as of today you have nothing to worry about. Forty-eight hours into the diet, I made things right by my intestinal system. And I did it on the POTTY! YAY!!! (claps hands) Oh, God. Am I regressing in that I am oddly proud of that?

And speaking of regressing, I think I’m getting dumber. For the life of me today, I couldn’t come up with the word ‘stapler.’ I stared at it, across the room on the shelf, grunting at it and wanting someone to hand it to me. And then I just went to get it myself. At least no one took it away from me when I finally got it. I think that’s what babies feel like every day. Poor, stupid babies.

Babies should be contestants on Fear Factor. They would kick ass in the eating-nasty-crap challenges.

Oh, and one more thing. I’m very excited to hear that some of you have chosen to join me on this bizarre and grueling journey. And I want to hear from you. We all do. In the comments, on Twitter, or whatever other desperate distress signal you want to send out. Hang in there!

Today’s Weight – 121.2

I am somewhere between 5’3″ and 5’4.” I am not a crazy person. Well, mostly not a crazy person. I would love to be 115 pounds for Christmas. Do I expect to reach that goal during this five-day experiment? Probably not. I’m weak and it’s only five days. Still, I figured any weight I could shave off BEFORE the onslaught of holiday gluttony is a good thing, right? Of course right.

So I made it through the first day. That’s got to be the hardest part, yes? And now that I’m seeing how fast an adult can burn through jars of baby food, I decided to make another quick grocery run … in search of variety … which ironically has oft been called the spice of life. And that’s the only spice I’ll be getting for a few more days.

Four stores later, here are a few of my “finds.”

It seemed like SUCH a good idea and yet it’s our winner so far for “Tastes Most Like Puke.” Seriously, there’s a contest. And this one is our front runner. I really wish I hadn’t bought three freakin’ jars.

OMG … Cheetos!

And cookies? Okay … “Let’s do this thing!!!”

P.S. I’m picturing Linguini from Ratatouille as I type that last line. Probably because his name is a food. Plus, I may or may not be starting to hallucinate.

Still need proof of my commitment? I went to the movies tonight and it didn’t break my stride. Although, I’m sure I looked like a complete meathead in action. Mmmmm … MEAThead.

Total calories for the day – 1196

Things We’ve Learned and/or Questioned Along the Way

My friend called to offer support but chastise me a little because she didn’t see water listed yesterday. My bad. I did drink water. Lots of it. And took my daily vitamins. If anything, I’m watching my food group distribution more than usual. Not to worry.

I have established a rule on what makes a food “approved” for this diet. It needs to be able to be fed to a child less than 12 months old. The purpose of the diet is that everything be easily digestible. Hence the rule.

There is a reason babies cry all the time (they’re PISSED) and don’t sleep through the night (they’re STARVING). Only their fruity desserts are tolerable straight from the jar. … That’s right. I got your back, Babies!

Lemon blueberry herbal tea with Splenda is not even CLOSE to a lemon blueberry muffin. Stupid tea company.

Chewing rocks.

Oh, and one more thing. I’m having lots of fun playing with you guys on Twitter. Please keep looking for me as I descend slowly into madness. I spared no expense. We even have our own hashtag … #ODNTBabyFoodDiet. Here’s my favorite exchange of the day. (Thanks, Hotspur.)

Today’s Weight – 122.4

I am somewhere between 5’3″ and 5’4.” I am not a crazy person. Well, mostly not a crazy person. I would love to be 115 pounds for Christmas. Do I expect to reach that goal during this five-day experiment? Probably not. I’m weak and it’s only five days. Still, I figured any weight I could shave off BEFORE the onslaught of holiday gluttony is a good thing, right? Of course right.

First things first, Vanessa (my dieting partner in crime and Ethel to my Lucy) and I needed to make a grocery run. I haven’t had baby food in the house in years. And, if there’s one thing I can attest to so far with this diet, it’s that it will make you laugh. Your ass off. Ever since we hatched this scheme over lunch yesterday, we’ve laughed so hard in the planning and research process that we can barely breathe. Like when we found this comment among the long list on DietsInReview.com …

Says Vanessa: “Michele! Oh, my God! We are starving the babies!”

Fine. Maybe she had a point. But Earth’s Best Apple Cinnamon Oatmeal looked like one of the best ones. You snooze, you lose, babies.

We both drew the line at this gelatinous silly putty. I don’t even remember my kids liking it back in the day. Although I do recall our old cat, Toby, giving it a big thumbs up. Honestly, Vanessa and I were floored at how much we had to buy to cover our daily intake. Here’s what I brought home so far for (what I think will cover) three of the five days.

Still don’t think I’m for real? Here’s how the initial taste test went down.

For the record, Milo is totally into it. He digs the sound of the jar opening and the smell. Coincidence?

I’m logging everything into the ‘My Fitness Pal’ app on my phone. Here’s how the day went:

We take chewing and teeth for granted. (Gerber Graduate Waffle Wheels can get you through this need.)

If babies follow this diet so strictly, why are they so soft and chubby? Is it a working out issue?

Salt is a delicious food that we should create a holiday to celebrate.

Oh, and I have a question. I made ALL of my baby food for Dean, my first child, and (cough) one batch for Viv, my second. That said, the banana baby food I made for Dean was simply one mushed-up banana in a bowl. Using that logic, is there any reason I can’t eat a banana on this diet? Please lock in your vote … now. I’m hungry.

Hmmmm, how do I begin? So I had this idea today. I guess it’s really more of a scheme. A well-hatched plan you might call it. Is it harebrained? Cacamamie? Or half-baked? Um …. NO!!! And, frankly, I’m offended you’d ask. (rolling eyes and throwing hands in air) Oh, whatever. It might sound a little crazy. And YOU are getting a front row seat.

Ever heard of the baby food diet? Feel free to Google it but it’s pretty much exactly what it sounds like. There are several different versions of it but the basic plan suggests 14 jars of baby food per day which works out to somewhere between 1000-1200 calories, depending on your choices. As with any fad diet, it has its pros and cons.

What? Am I doing it? That would be crazy. Completely insane. So, yes. Of COURSE, I’m doing it. But just for five days. Starting tomorrow. With my friend, Vanessa. And anyone else crazy enough to join us. I see it not only as an interesting experiment (Morgan Spurlock is one of my personal heroes) but also a jump-start to a little holiday weight loss. Considering all the eating I’ll be doing soon enough, I figured I could stand a little boost.

Vanessa: Do we have to exercise?

Me: Babies don’t have to exercise.

Vanessa: I could push you in the stroller then you could push me.

Me: What if I just carried you around in a Bjorn for a while?

Vanessa: Ooh! We need bouncy seats!

So anyway, if you want to come along for the potentially disgusting ride, stay tuned. I’ll keep you guys posted on my intake, progress and any other entertaining discoveries we find along the way.