Bartenders share the worst ways to find love in a bar

Tokyo's Cameron Baggett stirs up her signature Blueberry Cocktail for regulars and customers. Baggett also enjoys serving the Japanese beer Chang. Randy Edwards/cat5

Fellas, fellas, fellas. We’re not sure why you keep falling back on stale pickup lines as you attempt to woo us, but admittedly, we do enjoy it.

Or rather, we enjoy laughing about it with our friends over brunch the next day. Your follies pair so well with Goodfella’s Crab Benedict.

If you really must pick up the love of your life in a bar, here are some suggestions:

Compliment her jacket.

Compliment her tattoos without asking what they mean — and please stop asking that, everybody.

Compliment anything not located near her chest, hindquarters or feet.

When you notice her near-empty drink, ask the bartender what she’s drinking, then send over a drink. When she glances across the bar to thank you, raise your drink and smile. Congratulations: You are now a classy human dude.

Offer to buy her a drink without first asking if her pants are made of Windex.

Approach her on the patio and ask for a cigarette. If she gives you one, throw it in the trash and hand her a pamphlet filled with graphic photos of cancerous lungs. Tell her, “You’re welcome,” and walk away. Also you should probably never go to that bar again.

Bring your dog. Trust me, this works.

Be an awesome, friendly, not creepy guy, maybe?

Unbutton your shirt down to the navel and stand in front of a fan.

If you’d rather go for the more conventional approach of saying something unsettling before going home alone, here are some of the worst pickup lines local bartenders have heard while slinging drinks:

Heather Theriot at Beaux Jangles: “I’m new in town, could I have directions to your house?”

Justin Petitt at Fast Eddie’s: “I wish they made you-flavored Jolly Ranchers. I’d suck on you all day long.” (Editor’s note: Gross.)

Tom Ramirez at Nutty Jerry’s: “The worst pickup line I’ve heard on the job isn’t necessarily a pickup line but it happens a lot. ‘If you want your tip, you have to get it yourself,’ she says before shoving money down her shirt. I don’t want your sweaty boob money!”

Theresa Perez at Spanky’s: “Can I have your phone number? I seem to have lost mine.”

Waylon Levins at The Gig: “Damn baby, I like you. And I like my women the same way I like my whiskey: 18 years old and mixed up with coke.”