Jesus came to pardon our sins, but He also came to heal the brokenhearted so we can walk in freedom. Freedom from pain, guilt, shame, sin, and condemnation. By His wounds we are healed. May God continue to bless us on the path to complete restoration and healing in Him.

There’s a lie that has
spread like wildfire through western Christian culture. A lie that
breeds more lies. A lie that I believe is demonically orchestrated.
It’s simple, it’s powerful, and it’s widely accepted and taught
in our churches. The lie? A wife cannot be her husband’s
accountability partner.

Where did this idea
originate? Has it come from Scripture? Does this philosophy create
oneness and unity between a husband and wife, or does it breed
anxiety, doubts, and unconfessed sin within a marriage? First let us
look to God’s Word.

Nehemiah 1:5-7And I said, "O
LORD God of heaven, the great and awesome God who keeps covenant and
steadfast love with those who love him and keep his commandments, let
your ear be attentive and your eyes open, to hear the prayer of your
servant that I now pray before you day and night for the people of
Israel your servants, confessing the sins of the people of Israel,
which we have sinned against you. Even I and my father’s house have
sinned. We have acted very corruptly against you and have not kept
the commandments, the statutes, and the rules that you commanded your
servant Moses.

Psalm 32:1-6Blessed is the
one whose transgression is forgiven, whose sin is covered. Blessed is
the man against whom the LORD counts no iniquity, and in whose spirit
there is no deceit. For when I kept silent, my bones wasted away
through my groaning all day long. For day and night your hand was
heavy upon me; my strength was dried up as by the heat of summer. I
acknowledged my sin to you, and I did not cover my iniquity; I said,
"I will confess my transgressions to the LORD," and you
forgave the iniquity of my sin. Therefore let everyone who is godly
offer prayer to you at a time when you may be found; surely in the
rush of great waters, they shall not reach him.”

Psalm 66:18If I had cherished
iniquity in my heart, the Lord would not have listened.

Daniel 9:4-7I prayed to the
LORD my God and made confession, saying, "O Lord, the great and
awesome God, who keeps covenant and steadfast love with those who
love him and keep his commandments, we have sinned and done wrong and
acted wickedly and rebelled, turning aside from your commandments and
rules. We have not listened to your servants the prophets, who spoke
in your name to our kings, our princes, and our fathers, and to all
the people of the land. To you, O Lord, belongs righteousness, but to
us open shame, as at this day, to the men of Judah, to the
inhabitants of Jerusalem, and to all Israel, those who are near and
those who are far away, in all the lands to which you have driven
them, because of the treachery that they have committed against you.

Romans 14:11-12For it is
written, "As I live, says the Lord, every knee shall bow to me,
and every tongue shall confess to God." So then each of us will
give an account of himself to God.

1 John 1:9If we confess our
sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse
us from all unrighteousness.

Genesis 50:17-20'Say to
Joseph, Please forgive the transgression of your brothers and their
sin, because they did evil to you.' And now, please forgive the
transgression of the servants of the God of your father." Joseph
wept when they spoke to him. His brothers also came and fell down
before him and said, "Behold, we are your servants." But
Joseph said to them, "Do not fear, for am I in the place of God?
20As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good,
to bring it about that many people should be kept alive, as they are
today.

Ezra 9:5-6And at the evening
sacrifice I rose from my fasting, with my garment and my cloak torn,
and fell upon my knees and spread out my hands to the LORD my God,
saying: “O my God, I am ashamed and blush to lift my face to you,
my God, for our iniquities have risen higher than our heads, and our
guilt has mounted up to the heavens.”

Nehemiah 9:2-3And the
Israelites separated themselves from all foreigners and stood and
confessed their sins and the iniquities of their fathers. And they
stood up in their place and read from the Book of the Law of the LORD
their God for a quarter of the day; for another quarter of it they
made confession and worshiped the LORD their God.

Proverbs 28:13Whoever
conceals his transgressions will not prosper, but he who confesses
and forsakes them will obtain mercy.

Ezekiel 18:31-32Cast away
from you all the transgressions that you have committed, and make
yourselves a new heart and a new spirit! Why will you die, O house of
Israel? For I have no pleasure in the death of anyone, declares the
Lord GOD; so turn, and live."

Matthew 6:14-15For if you
forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also
forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses,
neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.

Matthew 18:15"If your
brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and
him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother.

Luke 17:3-4Pay attention to
yourselves! If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents,
forgive him, and if he sins against you seven times in the day, and
turns to you seven times, saying, 'I repent,' you must forgive him."

John 20:23If you forgive the
sins of any, they are forgiven them; if you withhold forgiveness from
any, it is withheld."

Galatians 6:1Brothers, if
anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should
restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest
you too be tempted.

Ephesians 4:25Therefore,
having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with
his neighbor, for we are members one of another.

James 5:16Therefore, confess
your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be
healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is
working.

We can clearly see throughout
Scripture that we are to confess our sins to both God and each other.
That repentance and confession is of utmost importance to the Lord.
What we don’t see, is this philosophy that we are to only confess
our sins to someone other than our spouse. This is where the lie
comes in. We have been taught that a husband (or visa-versa) should
not confess his sin to his wife because it’s too much for her to
handle. It’s too painful. So therefore he should get a couple of
men to be his “accountability partners” and he is to share his
struggles and confess his sins to them. While I must emphasize that a
man SHOULD have other men as accountability partners -- men that he
trusts and can communicate his struggles and sin, who ask him the
tough questions, who pray with him and share their life with him -- I
also believe he should not deprive his wife of the truth. Who is more
invested in a man’s life than his wife? Who benefits more from the
freedom of confessed sin and the lifting of guilt in a man’s life
than his wife? Who desires for a man to succeed in his quest for
righteousness more than his wife? Who did God place in a more
intimate role to help a man other than his wife? I would say no one.
And the Word of God confirms that.

My role as a wife is to stand
by my husband, to fervently pray for him, to encourage him and affirm
him, to listen to him and respect him, to lift him up when he’s in
a pit, to be what the Bible describes as his “ezer kenegdo”. In
Genesis 2:18, God said it was not good for man to be alone, so He
made for Adam, Eve… his ezer kenegdo. This term has often been
mistranslated by many as helper or helpmate. However, the original
Hebrew shows that the term ezer kenegdo is much more
than that. It is used 21 times in the Old Testament to describe a
counterpart of great strength, power, and majesty. Most Old Testament
examples of these terms are actually describing God when we are in
our most desperate need of Him. Without God, our ezer kenegdo,
we have no hope. In the same way, God knew there would be no hope for
man alone, so He created for him an ezer kenegdo. Someone of
great strength and power, his counterpart, to help him in his most
desperate time of need.

That said, how can a wife
be ezer kenegdo for her husband if he is unwilling to share
his struggles and confess his sin to her? He is not looking to her
for strength, to be his counterpart, to help him in his most
desperate time of need. In fact, in the name of protecting her, he
denies her the God-given role she was created for. This is no way
creates oneness in a marriage, but rather it constructs walls between
a husband and wife. Certain struggles or sins are considered
off-limits when it comes to complete honesty with each other. Those
in the realm of sexual sin and struggles are typically hidden. It’s
a sad reality that the one relationship God created to mirror Christ
and the Church, is the one relationship that is most deprived of
genuine honesty and intimacy.

Maybe the term “accountable”
seems harsh, as we understand this as an obligation to answer to
someone. And in the context of marriage, perhaps it’s not the right
term to describe what a husband and wife should experience. Perchance
a better term would be oneness, unity, harmony. Whatever you want to
call it, Matthew 10:8 says that a husband and wife are to become one
flesh (and contrary to popular belief, this is not referring
exclusively to sex). To help us understand this concept, here’s an
illustration…

Before marriage, a man and
woman are separate, they are their own. But through marriage, they
become one flesh. The two are welded together in a connection that is
only achieved through the covenant of marriage. They share everything
– their body, their emotions, their struggles, their joy, their
victories, their sin – everything. But when unconfessed sin enters
the relationship (whether by the husband or the wife) the marriage
makes a dangerous shift. Though still married, they are no longer
one. There is something hidden and destructive keeping them from
complete harmony. It may seem harmless at first, it may even be so
subtle that we don’t notice, but eventually the disconnection
unconfessed sin brings can cause great damage, discord, and sadly,
even divorce.

The Enemy has done an
excellent job disguising this custom that has crept in and is
destroying marriages. But I urge Christians to open their eyes and
see it for what it is… a LIE. All that said, how can we achieve
true oneness with our husbands? I have a few tips that will help us
in our pursuit of unity:

1) You are not his
mother. Accountability does not mean that you become your
husband’s watchman. It is not your job to question him at every
turn. That will only increase his desire to hide things from you and
it will build resentment in his heart towards you. It is his choice
to confess, you can’t make him repent.

2) Don’t use a
list. Accountability groups and partners have lists of questions
to ask each other, and this is a great tool for men to help other
men. However, you are his wife! Your communication, especially in the
realms of struggles and sin, should not be scripted or robotic. He
will feel like you’re interrogating him and you will both end up
frustrated.

3) Listen with
tenderness. If you want your husband to be honest with you about
his struggles and confess his sin, then you have to make a choice to
listen to him with tenderness. The last thing he’ll ever want to do
is come to you knowing that you are going to freak out on him. For
me, if my husband is honest and opens up to me, I am much less apt to
lose my cool. Keep that in perspective, he’s willing to talk to
you. You need to be a safe place for him to confess and communicate
what he’s struggling with.

4) Don’t go crazy over
details. Women struggle with vagueness. We are so detail
oriented and it’s hard for us when our husband uses two-words to
describe an hour event! BUT… that’s how they’re brains are
wired. They don’t typically remember the details; they remember the
“gist of it.” So when your husband confesses a sin or struggle to
you, don’t prod him for all the dirty details. It’s hard enough
for him to admit something that may be embarrassing or that he’s
afraid will hurt you. Just listen and respond appropriately. (Note:
This does not mean to ignore the discerning spirit God has given you.
If you feel your husband is in trouble and there’s more information
that he is hiding from you, ask him or seek further counsel. Do not
allow yourself to be plagued with questions, if you feel that you
absolutely need to know something, just ask.)

5) Respond with
love. This may seem simple or overstated, but it’s not as easy
as it sounds. When your husband confesses a sin or a struggle to you,
your first inclination might be towards anger (believe me, I know!)
or animosity. But we are to respect our husband and respond to him
with love. God defines love as:

“…patient and kind;
love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does
not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does
not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.
Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all
things, endures all things. Love never ends” (1st Corinthians
13:4-8).

6) Pray. The best
thing you can do for your husband is seek God on his behalf. No
matter what he’s confessed or what he’s struggling with, the only
person that can truly bring repentance and transformation in his life
is Jesus Christ. And trust me (I’ve learned through personal
experience) your husband will be overwhelmed with love for you if you
respond to his confession with tenderness, love, and prayer.

So let’s seek God together
in learning how to be a humble, repentant, and genuinely honest
spouse. May it bring greater joy, intimacy, and oneness to our
marriages.