[A shop in South Park. A board on the sidewalk says "Magic the Gathering Tournament Today." Inside, Kenny and a heavy-set player are sat at a table already playing against each other, The player shuffles his cards around looking for the best ones to play]

Player:

Alright, I'm going to play a fifth manna card... and then I'm going to attack with my elderbeast- hold on. Wait. Hold on.

Kyle:

Can Kenny block his elderbeast?

Stan:

Not with his Shapeshifter. It already attacked.

Cartman:

This asshole needs to make a move already!

Referee:

Quiet in the peanut gallery, please.

Player:

I am attacking, but with a newly summoned spark ghast who has trample. Four damage to your planeswalker.

Boys:

Ohhhh!

Butters:

Oh no! Kenny!

Stan:

Shhh!

Butters:

But he's dying! [Kenny lays down a card]

Stan:

What's that?

Cartman:

He's playing an enchantment.

Stan:

This late?

Kyle:

He just stacked his Shapeshifter with an Elven Blade!

Player:

I can block that with uprooted Minotaur. [Kenny lays down his next card]

Boys:

Ohhhh!

Referee:

Serendib Sorcerer unblocked. Winner: McCormick!

Boys:

Yeeahhh!

Player:

Nnoohhh!

[South Park Elementary, day. Cartman recounts the previous day's events to the kids in the hallway. In the distance, a new janitor listens in while mopping the floor]

Cartman:

Dude, it was complete brutality!

Kyle:

You've never seen anything so ruthless!

Stan:

It was seriously almost hard to watch. [Wendy appears in the distance and walks over to the boys]

Cartman:

At one point, Kenny actually polymorphed the dude into a blue frog with an instant attack card. It was carnage, bro!

Stan:

[sees Wendy] Wendy, did you hear about last night?

Wendy:

Yeah, I heard the girls volleyball team won by like 20 points.

Stan:

Not that. Did you actually go to that?

Wendy:

Yeah. You should show your support too sometime.

Stan:

Pfft whatever.

Cartman:

Dude, I don't think people are appreciating this! [the janitor finally looks at the group] It was such pwnage it was almost repulsive!

Janitor:

Hey! Pssst! [the boys see him] Come over here. [the boys walk over to him while the other kids disperse] You guys like hard-core stuff, huh?

Cartman:

Yeah we like hardcore stuff, we're fuckin' dudes, bro.

Janitor:

Yeah well, you boys wanna get in on some real action? If you like excitement. I'm not talkin' about the little boys stuff. I'm talkin' about real man shit.

Stan:

We're men.

Janitor:

Well then, if you wanna see REAL fights with REAL brutality, go here. [hands them a sheet of paper with an address on it, and Kyle steps forward to take it] This is the underground stuff, so keep it quiet. [turns right and leaves] And you might wanna pack a barf bag.

Cartman:

[steps forward and watches him leave] Kewwwl!

[South Park After Dark. The boys walk to a familiar place.]

Kyle:

Should be the next one. 2778 Mala Vista Drive. Wait, this is City Wok.

Cartman:

What's hardcore and exciting about City shrimp? [they approach the doors]

Kyle:

It doesn't even look like they're open. [tugs and knocks at the doors]

Mr. Tuong:

[unlocks the doors and answers them] We crosed! We crosed for the night! Go away prease! [waves them away]

[City Wok basement. Lots of activity going on down there. Two roosters are set to fight each other with cards. The boys make it to ringside. An announcers calls the play-by-play]

Announcer:

Scrambles plays a Black Swamp mana card. Fluffy counters with a mana card of his own. And he plays a fugitive wizard!

Crowd:

Ooooooo.

Announcer:

More mana from Scrambles! And yes, that is Crippling Blight! Crippling Blight to the fugitive wizard! Creature now has -1 to strength and defense! More Mana from Fluffy. Now he'll attack with fugitive wizard, and there's an instant attack from Scrambles! That is peel from reality! Fugitive wizard is literally torn apart from the battleground!

The boys:

Whoa!

Announcer:

The mana is flying now as both roosters play sorcery spells! It's Mass Calcify against Into the Void!

[M Burger, next day. The boys are eating ]

Cartman:

Dude, that was total carnage!

Stan:

That was freakin' hardcore.

Cartman:

Can you believe that rooster played a Kalonian Twingrove with half his mana tapped?

Stan:

It was just decimation.

Kyle:

It was really about the most man thing I think we've ever been a part of.

Cartman:

We're going again on Friday, right?

Stan:

Hell yeah! [Kenny lowers his head, and Cartman notices]

Cartman:

What's the matter Kenny?

Kenny:

(I don't know. It just seems kind of... mean)

Stan:

What's mean about it?

Kenny:

[mumbles]

Cartman:

You feel bad for the roosters?

Kenny:

(Yeah, I feel bad for the roosters.)

Stan:

Look, who's to say the roosters don't wanna play? I mean, they were goin' at it pretty hard.

Kyle:

Yeah, maybe that just kind of what they do naturally.

Cartman:

Guys, I think maybe Kenny's a little hurt because he was the big Magic champion, and now chickens are stealing his thunder.

What do you think Kenny? Would that make you feel better? Huh? Come on, where's that smile? Where's that smile, Kenny? I think he's smiling you guys. [Kenny just looks at his meal]

[The McCormick house, day. Two officers stand at the landingas one of them knocks]

Det. Harris:

Hello, Mr. McCormick. Surprised to see us?

Stuart:

What do you mean?

Det. Harris:

Let's cut the crap, huh? We know there's an illegal cock Magic ring going on in town, we just wanna know who's leading it.

Stuart:

What's cock Magic?

Det. Harris:

Right. Roosters are being forced against their will to play "Magic: the Gathering," and you know nothing about it because you're 'white'. Let's git something straight: cock Magic isn't an Asian thing or a Mexican thing. White people do it too, if they're poor enough. You got a junked car in your front yard, Mr. McCormick. Care to tell us where the cock Magic fights are being held?

Stuart:

I don't go to any cock Magic fights!

Det. Harris:

Do you have any sympathy at all for the animals, Mr. McCormick? Can you imagine being kept in a small cage, barely able to turn around, and then finally let out only to be blasted by Arctic ice spells and legendary creature cards? It's illegal, and it's wrong. And anyone I find involved with this filth is going down!

[The Marsh house, day. The boys are on the sofa and Randy is lecturing them on Magic: the Gathering. Or on cock Magic.]

Randy:

Now I don't wanna lecture anybody, but what you boys are getting involved in is dangerous!

Stan:

Dad, it's not that big a deal.

Randy:

It is a big deal, okay?! People can get hurt! Believe it or not I was into Cock Magic back in college.

Kyle:

You were?

Randy:

Yes, so I'm not some fuddy-duddy who doesn't get it! I just wanna make sure if you boys do it, you do it right, and safely. [whips out a handkerchief, and drums begin to play. Randy places the hankey over his pants and begins a demonstration of cock magic, as he knew it]

[Randy's cock magic. It moves left, then right quickly. Then it pops up from behind the hankey, then pops under]

Stan:

Dad, that's not, that's not cock Magic.

Randy:

Oh? Not impressed? How about this? [makes his penis pop out right, left, down... up, left. Stan hides his face in his hand while his friends are speechless]

[A run-down house, much like Kenny's, day. The boys approach it and ring the buzzer. This place has an intercom]

Voice:

What is it?!

Cartman:

Hello? We're looking to buy a rooster that can play "Magic: The Gathering"?

Voice:

Never heard of cock Magic, or roosters.

Kyle:

Uhhh, we aren't cops or anything.

Breeder:

[The voice, opens up and lets them in] Come on to the back, don't mind the smell. [he takes the boys to his barn and shows them around] We only deal in the highest quality poultry planeswalkers. Are you looking for a New Hampshire or a Cornish breed?

Kyle:

We don't... really know the difference.

Breeder:

Well, your New Hampshire broiler chickens are the best for white mana. These here have been raised to play mostly protection spells and do well with sorcery cards. And here you got your green mana necromancers. Lots of earthy growth and hindering incantations that are good against blue- or black-stacked decks.

Stan:

Do you think they're happy?

Breeder:

Do I think they're happy?

Stan:

Yeah, like, do you think they mind being made to play "Magic: The Gathering"?

Breeder:

[thinks a moment] They're fuckin' chickens.

Cartman:

Well, our friend here has some animal-rights concerns. Do you have any free-range chickens?

Breeder:

Free-range chickens are primarily control deck players that slow the game down with board control cards.

Cartman:

Aw, screw the free-range chickens, huh Kenny?

Stan:

[off-screen] Hey, how about this little guy?

Breeder:

That one's kind of young. I don't even know what kinda cards he prefers.

Kyle:

Then he's perfect for us.

Cartman:

What should we name him, Kenny? I know. How about "McNuggets"?

Kyle:

Hey McNuggets. You wanna come play for us?

Cartman:

[mimicking a rooster] "Yes I do, you guys." [normally] Oh wow, did you hear him, Kenny?

Oh yehhs yesyseyseyesyseyse Sharon, I don't know why or how, but people all over town are talking about it again. Now you know that I was one of the best back in college.

Sharon:

I know that's why you got kicked out of college.

Randy:

Because people didn't understand! People were afraid, Sharon! But now culture has caught up. And even our son is discovering what cock magic has to offer.

Sharon:

Stanley??

Randy:

People are going to do it, Sharon. And it's up to the professionals to make sure it's handled the right way. Hoh! [a hankey drapes his erect penis] Oh my gosh! [pulls the haneky off and the penis is back in his pants. He smiles, she walks away, his smile fades, and he goes back into the bathroom and shuts the door]

Reuben casts Silklash Spider. Silklash Spider can block as if it had Flying! And now he casts Geistflame, dealing one damage to McNuggets.

Cartmen:

[through gritted teeth] Come on, McNuggets! Fight!

Kyle:

You can do it, McNuggets! [the crowd argues around them]

Announcer:

Quite please.

Someone:

I think I'll bet on the next one.

Announcer:

Waaiitt! [the crowd gets quiet] McNuggets has cast Punishing Fire, absorbing the Geistflame and dealing two damage to the opponent! Game, set and match, McNuggets!

Crowd:

Whoa!

Stan:

Yeah!

Cartman:

All right McNuggets!

Kyle:

All right McNuggets! [after the fights the boys leave City Wok] Did we pick the right rooster or what?!

Cartman:

[carrying McNuggets in a small cage] That was goddamned manly! I mean, no offense to Kenny, but that shit made regular "Magic: The Gathering" look like girls volleyball.

Promoter:

[comes out behind the boys with two bodyguards] Excuse me. That was pretty impressive down there. You boys have a nice cock.

Cartman:

Thank you so very much.

Promoter:

I've never seen a rooster throw down spells with such raw brutality. How would you like to move him up to the big time?

Kyle:

You mean there's more to this?

Promoter:

Oh yes. And I'm not talking about the basement of some seedy Chinese restaurant, I'm talking about the basement of a well-established Chinese franchise. Saturday night, here's the address. [again Kyle takes the slip of paper] Let's see what kind of money your cock can really make.

Stan:

Gee, thanks!

Cartman:

You hear that, McNuggets? You're goin' to the big leagues!

[A girl's sixth birthday party, back yard. Lots of kids running around and making noise. A bounce house is off to one corner]

Okay, well let's all give a cheer for the Amazingly Randi! [leaves as Randy enters, and the kids cheer]

Randy:

Hey kids, are we having fun? [places his hat over his groin, then reaches for it on his head] Oh where'd my hat go?! Anyone see my hat? [no reaction from the kids. Inside, the parents are preparing the cake]

Woman:

[mixing some lemonade] Okay, the magician has started. Let's get the cake ready.

Randy:

[with his penis in a box and a saw in his left hand] Now, some of you might think that this is a little crazy, but if you believe in magic... [begins to saw through the box] you'll find that- [the saw hits something that produces gushes of blood. All the kids are hit and they panic] Ow! Ow! Oh God! Can somebody help, please!

Man:

[chuckles] They're getting a kick out the magician, huh?

Randy:

Won't somebody help me out?! Get someone- You, little girl! Can you please just, just check behind your ear?! [the girl reaches behind her ear and pulls out a detached penis. She screams and Randy takes it from her.] Oh, it was behind her ear. [goes back to the stage and pops it right back where it should be, hidden so the kids don't see what he's actually doing] And there we go and we're all better and I am the Amazingly Randi! Thank you! [kids are still screaming]

Dude, it was so badass! Our guy slaughtered every other fighter there. And now he's moving up to the real hardcore shit.

Kyle:

It was seriously about the greatest night of our lives.

Craig:

Where was all this?

Cartman:

We can't tell you, bro. It's like, hardcore underground shit.

Kyle:

Yeah, you gotta know people.

Butters:

Dangit, I wish I knew people.

Mr. Garrison:

All right kids, before we get started, the coach of the girls volleyball team is here and would like to say a few words. [goes to his desk as she enters]

Coach:

Thank you, Mr. Garrison. Listen uh, last night we had a pretty big game against Evergreen. The girls really hammered 'em, but once again we're a... little disappointed in the turnout.

Cartman:

Oh Jesus, give it a rest already.

Butters:

[chuckling] Yeah.

Coach:

You know, when you put your all into something, it's kind of a bummer when people don't seem to care. [focus on Kenny, who looks down] Kind of makes you feel like the sport you love is becoming a joke.

The girls wanted to say something, so we're now going to hear a few words from the captain of the girls volleyball team.

Wendy:

[gets up and goes to the front of the class. Stan is immediately stunned] Hey guys, these games coming up are really big and it would mean a lot to us if you could try and make it. Thanks. [goes back to her seat]

That's Gadnuk, Breaker of Worlds. [Gadnuk is wearing a gold medallion] He's never lost a fight. Hell, he's never even lost one health!

[South Park Elementary gym, night. The girls are playing a visiting group, and Stan is there to watch the game. Wendy, #4 serves. #36 on the other side hits it up, with #11 hitting it back over the net. #1 on Wendy's side hits it up, then #36 hits it, then #8 hits it over the net]

Stan:

[following the cock Magic fight over the phone] What do you mean? Is he a red mage or a green mage?

Can you stack his deck with more mana?! Can you stack McNuggets' deck with more mana?!

[Wendy serves, and #58 on the other side hits it up, then #8 hits it, then #22 hits it back over the net]

Spectator 2:

[returns to the crowd with a dead bird] He didn't stand a chance. Not one spell cast before he was obliterated by health drains! That thing isn't human! [walks away with his rooster. Gadnuk throws down a card. The promoter walks up]

Promoter:

Alright, your rooster's up next, boys.

Kyle:

Aw I don't think he wants to play, dude.

Promoter:

He doesn't have a choice

Cartman:

This isn't even a fight. This is just... a slaughter.

Promoter:

What do you think all these people are here to see?

Cartman:

Holy shit dude! Dude, we forfeit! We forfeit!

Promoter:

The hell you do! Get your cock in there! [Kenny sighs and goes in instead]

And a warm welcome back to the Cock Magic Championships. Certainly an electric atmosphere here in the basement of Panda Express. The fight we were expecting, of course, Gadnuk, Breaker of Worlds versus ten-month-old Cornish rooster McNuggets. In a complete shocker, the challenger McNuggets has been scratched and substituting for him is nine-year-old Kenny McCormick. Never a dull moment in the illegal sport of cock Magic. Let's rejoin the battle now as we wait for Gadnuk's sixth move. [Gadnuk ponders what to do while Kenny slowly taps his fingers on the table, waiting] Gadnuk, Breaker of Worlds plays a creature card. [his assistant places it on the table]

Cartman:

Jesus, Paragon of Fierce Defiance. Now every red creature Gadnuk plays will have a +1 attack.

Crowd:

Whooaa.

Kyle:

Come on, Kenny! [Kenny take a card from a deck and looks through his other cards]

[South Park Elementary gym, the game there continues. #11 hits it over the net to Wendy's side. #1 hits it... Stan is still following the cock Magic fights]

Stan:

What did he play? Did he tap all his mana?

Cartman:

Dude, he just cast Psychogenic Probe. Now every time the other rooster has to shuffle his deck, he loses two health.

Kyle:

He just had to shuffle it.

Cartman:

Did you hear that? He's shuffling his deck already. The only thing he's got on the battle ground now is an overseer.

Stan:

Does an overseer have trample? DOES AN OVERSEER HAVE TRAMPLE?! [meanwhile, the ball goes to #36, who hits it back over the net]

ESPN Host:

A second Elvish Mystic now, and Gadnuk attacks with Merciful Pretender. McCormick sends Charging Rhino to the graveyard. He's desperate now. Not too much he can-OH! And he's just laid down Life's Legacy!

Crowd:

Ooooohh...

ESPN Host:

That was not expected! Gadnuk doesn't know what hit him! McCormick follows with Crackling Doom and Abzan Battle Priest!

Kyle:

Holy shit, dude!

ESPN Host:

Gadnuk tries to block with Living Totem but OH, there is Terra Stomper! This is absolute savagery! Frenzied Goblin has been sent to the graveyard and now there is no one to block Pearl Lake Ancient! My God, someone has to put a stop to this!

Det. Harris:

Freeze! [comes down to the basement with reinforcements. The cops draw their guns and check everyone out there. One cop pulls a gun from a spectator's jacket and throws it to the ground] Well, well! Looks like I finally caught the big boys! You're all going to jail for a long time! [looks at Kenny] Especially you, scumbag!

[spotlights come on and move out over the crowd] And now, for your halftime entertainment, please welcome... the incomparable, the beautiful, the Amazingly Randi! [A stage is lit up and Randy bounds out]

Cartman:

Ah, dude, your dad's here.

Randy:

[lounge voice] Thank you, hey! You know, we live in a world of brutality and violence. And some people think there's no room for wonder anymore. But just for a moment I want you to think one thing. [dances over to a stool nearby with a box sitting on it] Whatever you believe is real, is real. [pulls out a hankey, then goes back to center stage and shows there's nothing odd about it. He unzips his zipper and puts the hankey on his penis. He gets a rubber band and ties the hankey around the penis. Next he moves his hand around and his penis rises in response, as if his hands had some magnetic power to them. Suddenly, the penis takes flight and goes around several times. He holds up a large ring and the penis flies through it flawlessly. He turns around and the song "Barbie Girl" plays. He drops his pants, dances a bit, then turns around with a small curtain over his legs. The penis peaks out to the right, up, left, and then a life-size head appears popping out to the right]

Head:

Come on Barbie, let's go party. [Randy pushes it gently behind the curtain again, then he squats just long enough to get his pants back up and remove the curtain. Then he hops around. He hops back to the stool and gets some body lotion to lubricate his penis with. Then he pretends to stroke his penis and a bouquet of flowers pops up. He tosses the bouquet into the crowd and a woman catches it]

Spectator 3:

Ewww! [throws the bouquet away]

Randy:

Alright, for this last bit I'm gonna need a volunteer. Anybody?

Det. Harris:

I'll volunteer.

Randy:

Alright, come on up here. [Harris goes up] What's your name?

Det. Harris:

I'm Detective Harris, South Park Police.

Randy:

All right, a hand for Detective Harris! [applause. This provides a distraction by which some spectators leave silently] You know, if there's one thing I could leave you all with, it's this. Let cock magic be done by the professionals. [grabs a tank of liquid nitrogen] Sir? [gives it to Harris, who holds it. Drumroll. Randy takes a funnel and puts one end on his penis, then motions for Harris to pour the nitrogen into the funnel. A few seconds later, the funnel comes off to reveal a frozen penis. Randy takes a gun out and shoots it to bits. Harris is stunned. Randy walks over to him and smiles. All of a sudden, the penis comes out of Harris' mouth. Randy take it and puts it into his pants. Harris smiles. Only four cops remain and they clap. The crowd and the other cops have left.]

[South Park Elementary, day.]

Cartman:

It was so hardcore you guys. Kenny laid waste to Gadnuk, Breaker of Worlds. It got so out of hands that the fucking cops had to come and break it up.

Butters:

Wow, the cops came?

Kyle:

Yeah, It was seriously the most manly thing that's ever happened.

Cartman:

Kenny cast Glacial Crasher, and then Stan's dad shot his dick off. I just, I seriously don't know where we go from here. You all right, Kenny?

Kenny:

(Yeah, I guess. I just wonder about McNuggets.)

Kyle:

Hey yeah, what about poor McNuggets? What's he gonna do now?

Stan:

Wait a minute. I've got it, you guys.

Kyle:

Got what?

Stan:

A way to finally do something good for other people.

[South Park Elementary gym, night. The girls volleyball team faces off against NcNuggets. Wendy is about to serve when she looks at Stan, who gives her a thumbs up. Wendy shoots him a glare of disapproval over the whole idea.]

Announcer:

South Park serves, and McNuggets plays a Plains Land card. One-nill, South Park. [a smattering of applause. Wendy serves again] Another serve, and McNuggets summons Downtreader Elk. One south Park player is eliminated. You, the girl with the ponytails - you are dead.