This thread is for fanfiction sporkings, otherwise also known as "MSTings". Everybody who finds a horribly written Ace Attorney fanfic can post a sporking of it here, if they want to. Others can comment to the sporkings/MSTings. However, remember that the fanfic has to have a huge, huge number of obvious flaws, in order to qualify. Just not liking a pairing or a character is not enough!

Rules (Shortened, adjusted version of those of a sporking community):

1: Do not post sporkings as a vendetta against someone. ie: I hate him/her, so I'll spork his/her favourite fic!

2: Keep the mocking to the thread only, we aren't here to harass the authors. (So, don't search the fic out and spam it with flame reviews.)

3: Try and list some redeeming features when sporking. If the fic is reasonably well written, make a note of it.

4: If you decide to review a fanfic that was sporked here, please do not link to this thread or tell the writer they have been sporked. Part of the appeal of sporking is being able to vent without the author knowing.

5: While it may be tempting to put yourself or your original character into the sporking that level of hypocrisy is not encouraged. Besides, Ace Attorney has tons and tons of characters you can torment with this. Just pick the most fitting ones.

6: Related to this, please use only AA characters as sporkers, unless the fic is a crossover. This rule is also effective for Professor Layton characters, despite the existence of the crossover game.

7. Keep the characters as in-character as possible in your commentary! Otherwise, the whole meaning of sporking is lost.

8. While it is indeed possible to spork good fanfiction, this is not what this thread is for. People might get confused if you go and spork a completely flawless fanfic.

9: You don't have to use colours for the characters, but if you do, use fitting colours, namely blue for Phoenix, dark red for Edgeworth, purple for Maya, red for Apollo, etc.

Now, the Ratings:

1 x : This fic was pretty good, but something about it was off and badficcy. Generally denotes grammar problems or minor OOC-ness.

2 x : Ouch. Fics like these were painful, maybe smutty or poorly-written, but still tolerable.

3 x : Now we get into badfic town. You could use it for are serious OOC, purple prose, or just run-the-mill badficness.

4 x : These are fics that heap on even more of the bad. By this time, many sporkers denote what each sahwit is for.

5 x : DIE. These are the fics that need to be burned into tiny little pieces and stomped upon. The ones that make you scream in terror. It says "DIE DIE DIE" in the original rules of the Kingdom_Spork Community for a reason

: This is a magic, special rating. "So bad it scares Dahlia." You can't use more than one Dahlia. Dahlia is the worst. There is nothing above her and rating a fic with her icon means that it is a hellspawn, just like her and deserves to be lectured back to were it came from, just like her.

Everyone's most beloved lawyer and professional buttmonkey as well as part-time hobo, Phoenix is one of the more snarky sporkers. While he usually doesn't care too much about grammar and spelling unless it's so bad that that he can't actually comprehend a sentence's meaning, he hates Canon Rape with all passion and is not happy if he has to witness himself or his friends act OoC for no good reason. While he reacts quite sensible to attacks on his dignity, he has a strong moral code and would never actively use any word more offensive than "Screw", unless quoting directly from the Fic.Despite being talented at snarking, his attempts at any other kind of joke are horrifyingly bad.

Phoenix has two alter Egos, Hobo-Nick from the Future and Feenie from the Past. While all of them are the same thought-wise, Hobo-Nick turns the Snarkyness up to eleven and is not as easily startled or sensible as Default!Nick, while also having an additional tendency to make jokes at the expense of his fellow Sporkers. Feenie is pretty much the exact opposite.

Maya Fey:

Cheerful, optimistic and full of energy, Maya tries to just have fun during a sporking, rather than despair from the wave of bad sweeping over her. She'll often be the first one to spout out memes or just make puns with inappropriately used phrases. However, not even she is able to stand a bad romance or porn. As soon as the sporking starts to strain her beloved stomach more than she can take, Maya will often resort to the rather unfair measure of channelling Mia to replace her, a tendency which greatly annoys her fellow sporkers.

Mia Fey:

Maya’s older sister appears whenever her mind decides that it needs a time-out from the horrifying images it is seeing (usually bad porn or horribly written yaoi). Mia was watching MST3K back in the days and thus knows exactly how to deal with bad fiction. She stays very calm and controlled during her sporkings and never tries to force jokes, but is happy to support someone else’s snarking if it goes in a good direction. She will attempt to comfort sporkers who are experiencing a nervous breakdown.

Miles Edgeworth:

The most logical minded of our sporkers, Edgeworth’s complaints with fanfiction are often based on said fanfiction contradicting common sense. He will also be the first to point it out whenever an author simply just didn’t do the research. He speaks several languages fluently, and thus gratuitous German and Fangirl Japanese do NOT amuse him. Edgeworth never drops his sophisticated way of speaking and is an avid hater of Purple Prose and Cap Locks, although he slips into use of the latter himself now and then. While he stays calm and rational for the most part, he is also not averted to supporting and indulging in snarking. If the Fic crosses certain lines (like making fun of his sexuality), he tends to lose his cool. Also, he has the doubtful “honour” to be the only character capable of receiving penalties during a sporking, thanks to his status as main character of AAI.

Kay Faraday:

A self-proclaimed thief and mistress of the Arts of “Big Lipped Alligator Moment” and “Deus Ex Machina”, Kay Faraday seems to be the only character capable of entering and leaving the Sporking Theater at will through mysterious means. The Management has yet to find a way of stopping her from doing so. Little is known about her sporking capabilities, except for the fact that her tolerance level seems to be even higher than Maya’s- still, she will avoid sporking as far as it is possible, if only for the challenge of escaping the FBI agents.

Franziska von Karma:

Genius Prosecutor and resident Grammar Nazi. Franziska was granted permission to use her whip during sporkings for character-specific reasons, much to her fellow sporker’s Chagrin. While she, like Edgeworth is not a friend of logical mistakes of all kinds, her true “passion” belongs to flawed spelling and grammar mistakes. Her hatred for errors of this kind knows no boundaries and she is the true reason the Sporking Theater’s Screen had to be rendered impact-proof by the Management. Misuse of foreign languages, finally, may make her enter berserk mode, just like a huge dose of lacking punctuation. Heil Spellcheck, you fools!

Apollo Justice:

A young, passionate defence attorney, Apollo’s trademark may be his loud voice, which causes him to slip into Cap Lock abuse more quickly than his fellow Sporkers. As such, he is not likely to complain about said Cap Lock abuse in fanfics… But he’ll complain about pretty much everything else. He is hard to please, moans a lot and often starts snarking before he even understood why exactly he hated a certain passage so much. He is also good at paying close attention to details, can, however, also just as easily pay no attention at all when he doesn’t feel like it. Just as protective of his dignity as Phoenix or Edgeworth, he does not take kind to attack on it. The difference is that he reacts a whole lot more aggressively to them than the aforementioned two attorneys. And, while we are at Mr. Wright: Never imply that they might be similar. He doesn’t like that.

Ema Skye:

For all the scientific fact you never wanted to know: Ema is your girl! Cheerful and optimistic like Maya, and maybe also a tiny little bit more naïve, Ema gleefully joins in on any pop cultural reference and tends to point out the itty bitty details with others, even Edgeworth, don't even find worth focusing on, as long as they are just alarming to her "scientific senses". She is, however, also easily intimidated and will often simply miss the point or the bigger picture. She has a obsession with snacks, specifically Snackoos and is a Miles Edgeworth Fangirl.

Comes in two flavours: "Cute and cheerful" or "Sexy and moody".

The Judge:

Order! The Sporking is now in Session!Ah, our judge, wise and yet naïve, experienced and yet unable to function in the modern society. He is hard of hearing and also seeing, which spares him a lot of the pain his fellow sporkers have to put up with. Not quite understanding the horrors which have befallen him, the Judge tends to mistake fanfics for modern art and doesn't take them all too seriously.

Winston Payne:

Prosecutor and Former Rookie Killer, Winston has lost most of his self esteem along with his hair long ago. Nowdays, he is about as outspoken as a rabbit and just as quick to cower in fear as the same. He is well informed about the true nature of the Sporking Theater, but does not have even a hint of an idea how to deal with it. Also, he is constantly trying to flatter the judge in order to score points with him.

Larry Butz:

When something smells, it's probably... Yeah, Yeah, you know the rest. Larry has yet to discover the true nature of the Sporking Theater. Not that it was a great loss. His lack of intelligence makes him immune to the most kinds of badness anyway. He will frequently complain about the lack of "chicks" in a story and be the last to come to a conclusion.

Dick Gumshoe:

Do you have a Dollar to spare for him? Or a dime? Aww, come on, don't let him hang like that! Gumshoe enjoy the fact that the Sporking Theater's furniture is a lot more comfortable than the second hand wooden chairs and ancient bed he has to deal with at home. Plus, it's air-conditioned and sometime there's food. That, however, doesn't mean he enjoys watching what is going on in the screen. While he is glad about every bit of (well deserved) attention the authors give him, he does not like being made fun in the least. However, when he is not aggravated or otherwise excited, he is one of the more quiet sporkers and his presence is often easily forgotten.

Manfred von Karma:

The perfectionist. Not just "a" perfectionist, but THE perfectionist. Accept no substitutes. While Manfred von Karma will complain about everything, he lets nothing aggravate him, since he is expecting everything that wasn't personally approved by himself to be flawed rubbish. He treats fanfiction and their authors like defendants and defence attorneys: Bugs, which need to be squished. He will never admit that something was good, no matter how obviously it was and always find a way to cast a bad light on it.Said to be allied with Satan, which is why he is immune to the mind numbing properties of badfics.

Godot:

Mia Fey's former boyfriend and extreme coffee junkie. Never seen without a mug of coffee. Most of his jokes are at the expense of his fellow sporkers, which makes him unloved among those. He is also quite snarky otherwise, but his coffee related metaphors often make it quite hard to tell what exactly he was trying to snark at. Doesn't lose his cool very quickly, but when he does, expect rage, exploding visors, coffee mugs shattering at the screen and mostly rage. He is unable to see the colour red on a white background, which lessens the effect of bloody gorn scenes on him. Not that he'd be all too terrified of them otherwise.------

I also did The Fight over Phoenix and The Endless Turnabout (Part 1, Part 2). The second fic listed is actually called "Ace Attorney: The Wrong Man the Wrong Job" as well.

But hey, if no one minds I'll get the ball rolling with a sporking I had left unposted during the transition from the backup forums to these. So, without further ado, let me introduce:

Today's Sporking: Codename: FRIEND

One Sawhit

Honestly, this fic isn't offensive in the slightest. It's just full of poor English and yet another confounding mystery. Over all it's just kind of dull and confusing and was abandoned after a single chapter. Perfect for getting back in to the swing of things, I think.

Today's Sporkers:

Phoenix Wright"Why is this happening again?"

Maya Fey"It was a good break while it lasted..."

Miles Edgeworth"Nnghh..."

SPORKING START

[The sun is high in the sky and three familiar figures walk across the landscape beneath it escorted by Lang's troops. Their shadows are short and so are their tempers]

Edgeworth: “I was under the impression this nonsense had stopped once and for all.”

Maya: “Yeah! What gives?”

Trooper: “We were having some technical difficulties. That Von Karma dame was causing some serious damage to the equipment and we had to seal off all the exits and entry points Pinky's little girlfriend was using.”

Edgeworth: “She is not my girlfriend! She's not even of legal age!”

Phoenix: “That's not the plot of the story you're subjecting us to, is it?”

Trooper: “Nah, no romance. We need to recalibrate the theater to your suffering so we're starting with something average.”

Maya: “Look, FRIEND is in all caps again. It has to be an acronym! I hope it’s like a secret government agency or… or maybe Mila’s really a cyborg and that’s her codename!”

Phoenix: “That’s not a very intimidating codename.”

Maya: “Maybe she was sent to our time period on Operation: HUGS or something. Besides, if she’s dead she wasn’t a good cyborg anyway.”

Quote:

"Maya, that's not the point. She's now dead. We HAVE to get there right away!" Phoenix yelled.

Maya: “‘She’s now dead?’ Could you possibly have worded that more unnaturally?”

Edgeworth: “It’s grammatically correct, technically, but it does sound rather awkward. Although I’m curious as to why you’re flying to Japan at four in the morning when you don’t even… never mind.”

Phoenix: “What?”

Edgeworth: “Wright, this is you we’re talking about. If one of your friends was in trouble you’d hijack a space shuttle and fly to the moon if need be.”

Phoenix: “…Maya, from this moment on you’re banned from the moon.”

Quote:

WHAT HAPPENED ON MARCH 21ST, 4.03 AM, PAVILION STREET

Phoenix: “I DON’T KNOW!”

Edgeworth: “There is no question mark. I’d presume we’re being told what happened.”

Maya: “Oh, well that’s nice of the story. Usually we have to figure everything out on our own and gets all challenging and interesting.”

Quote:

Mila called Phoenix when she was walking towards the quiet street.

ENDING THE PHONE CALL

Edgeworth: “Well, that was… succinct.”

Phoenix: “Wait, wait, it’s still going.”

Edgeworth: “Hopefully in lowercase from here on out. The author has used his allotted quota of capital letters already.”

Quote:

"Well, thanks Phoenix. Bye," Mila said, and then she ended the phone call. It was winter time, so she wore a brown fur coat and walked through the quiet street.

Edgeworth: “It must be an extremely quiet street to be told this fact twice in rapid succession.”

Maya: “I want a fur coat like that. I’d feel like such a classy dame. Nick, get me a fur coat.”

Phoenix: “Forget it. My own coat was expensive enough.”

Maya: “But my damehood is on the line here!”

Quote:

She waited in front of the My Café coffee shop. It looked like she was waiting for someone.

Phoenix: “It only looked like it? Are we viewing security cam footage here?”

Edgeworth: “The author must be referring to the previous sentence where he clearly states Ms. Kaiis is waiting.”

Phoenix: “Oh yeah, she really is waiting after all.”

Maya: “Mystery solved!”

Quote:

"Oh there you are. I've been waiting here for 10 minutes. Did you bring it?" she said to the guy who she was waiting for.

Maya: “She’s such a liar. She just got there!”

Phoenix: “The other guy appeared without arriving on the scene too. I guess time just passed in the blink of an eye.”

Maya: “You see? Fur coats give you time controlling powers! Now you have to get me one!”

Phoenix: “In that case I already bought you one then you went back in time and stopped it from happening by stepping on a butterfly or something.”

Edgeworth: “Could we just continue, please?”

Quote:

"It's here," the guy said. He took out a gun inside a black box.

Maya: “She was waiting for a gun delivery?”

Quote:

She exclaimed, "Hey what are you doi-"

Then she got… shot.

Maya: “Oh.”

Edgeworth: “Why the unnecessary ellipses before her being shot?”

Phoenix: “I think the author couldn’t think of a good synonym and just went with ‘shot’ after brief thought.”

Quote:

MARCH 21ST , PAVILION STREET, 8.21 AM

"Oh my god," Phoenix said as he looked at Mila's body, "I can't imagine anyone who would do this."

Phoenix: “I can’t imagine anyone that would just leave a corpse laying out in the middle of the street for four hours either.”

Edgeworth: “They could take the poor girl back to autopsy before she spoils any time now…”

Maya: “You guys are gross.”

Quote:

"Hey, pal. I guess this was your old pal. You never introduced me to her. You know, maybe if you introduced her to me, she'd be going out with me that morning," Detective Gumshoe said as he heard Nick and Maya.

Maya: “Detective Gumshoe, you stop cheating on Maggey this instant!”

Edgeworth: “How did the detective deduce she was your acquaintance? It’s never stated that you told him such.”

Phoenix: “In this universe I must be well known for having lots of famous friends.”

Maya: “Including the narrator. He’s calling you ‘Nick.’”

Phoenix: “Well I sure don’t know him. This is starting to get awkward.”

Quote:

"What? Mila's already dead and you still want to be her boyfriend? Uh…Can you just give me an autopsy report about her death?" Phoenix replied.

Edgeworth: “She’s still on the sidewalk, Wright. At best he could give you a preliminary report.”

Maya: “And he never said he still wanted to date her. He just said she might have been safe with him. You’re so presumptuous!”

Phoenix: “That’s not me, alright?”

Edgeworth: “Still, you haven’t been embarrassingly out of character yet. That’s rare praise for these tales.”

Phoenix: “I’m sure it’s just saving up for later…”

Quote:

"Here pal."

Maya glanced at the autopsy report with Phoenix.

"…death of Ms. Mila Kaiis at 4.13 am… Nick, didn't you say she called you around that time!" Maya stated as she looked at the report.

Phoenix: “Wow, that’s surprisingly exact for a time of death.”

Maya: “Maybe the bullet hit her watch and somehow didn’t destroy it!”

Edgeworth: “Hold it! Why are you privy to this information, Wright? You have no client. Friend of the victim or not this is still a police investigation.”

"Hey pal, I found a gun inside the trash bin! Yes, now I don't need to buy one anymore!" Gumshoe yelled as he was running towards Phoenix and Maya.

Edgeworth: “Of for the love of… Detectives are assigned pistols. Furthermore, Detective Gumshoe absolutely detests the idea of using his sidearm.”

Phoenix: “That’s true. I think the most use he’s gotten out of it is showing it off to kids to cheer them up.”

Edgeworth: “And I absolutely detest the idea of him doing that…”

Maya: “You hate the idea of him cheering up kids? Wow, you’re more of a grouch than I thought.”

Edgeworth: “What I mean to say is… never mind. Forget I said anything.”

Quote:

"Gumshoe, we need that as evidence. I think… that was the gun that the killer used to kill Mila!" Phoenix said, trying to make a point.

Edgeworth: “How convenient. Perhaps the next dumpster over will have the murderer in it as well.”

Quote:

"Uh… but you WILL give it back to me after using it as evidence, right?" Gumshoe asked.

"Okay, whatever," Phoenix answered.

Edgeworth: “Wright, you are a civilian and concealed firearms are prohibited in this city. You have no rights to that gun; evidence or not. I have half a mind to dock Gumshoe’s pay just because of his doppelganger’s irresponsible actions.”

Maya: “What does the other half of your mind say?”

Edgeworth: “I believe that half instinctively shut down when the lights dimmed.”

Quote:

Suddenly, policemen came to Phoenix and arrested him. He was maintained in the detention room.

Maya: “Wow, Nick. You really shouldn’t have taken that gun!”

Edgeworth: “‘Maintained?' Surely they mean ‘detained.’”

Maya: “I dunno, Nick can be high maintenance when he wants… and don’t call me Shirley.”

Edgeworth: “You’ve been waiting to make that joke forever, haven’t you?”

Phoenix: “Why am I being arrested!?”

Edgeworth: “You were at the scene of the crime. That seems to be good enough for most of these stories.”

Phoenix: “Yeah, hours after the crime had already been committed. Maya was there too!”

Maya: “Oh no you don’t. I’m done being arrested.”

Quote:

DETENTION ROOM MARCH 21ST , 9.45 AM

"Good morning Mr. Wright. I am Jenna Reeds, prosecutor hired from the Kaiis's family," Jenna said after she sat down opposite Phoenix.

Edgeworth: “I beg your pardon, Ms. Reeds, but prosecutors are assigned by the state or county. They are not hired like private attorneys, you obvious fraud.”

Phoenix: “Maybe they’re planning to sue me over Mila’s death and this is now a civil manner instead of a criminal one? That still doesn’t explain why she called herself a prosecutor, does it?”

Edgeworth: “If that were the case you would not have been hauled off to prison. No, I’m afraid the author simply has no idea what any of us actually do besides yell ‘Objection’ and point our fingers.”

Maya: “Way to ruin the dream, Mr. Edgeworth.”

Quote:

"Why am I involved? I'm her friend. I'm sure they trust me."

Edgeworth: “Do they even know you? I wouldn’t go around trusting people just because they are friends of a friend.”

Phoenix: “I don’t know if I know them or not. Original characters are weird when they’ve apparently been a part of my life forever.”

Maya: “At least she’s not a self insert girlfriend or something. She has that going for her.”

Phoenix: “She’s also dead.”

Maya: “That keeps her from being a Mary Sue. One more point in her favor, I guess.”

Quote:

Jenna ignored the statement. "Well, since you ARE an attorney you should know the first 2 questions we attorneys and prosecutors ask all the time.

Phoenix: “When am I getting paid and why are you being so difficult? Those are my usual questions.”

Maya: “I’ve never heard you ask that.”

Phoenix: “With any luck I’ll maintain that self control.”

Edgeworth: “Prosecutors are attorneys too, Ms. Reeds. Forget law school, have you even finished high school?”

Quote:

Where were you when Miss Mila was killed? I need an alibi right now."

"I was sleeping, like all the other human beings in the world. Just check the security camera."

Phoenix: “Why was I in prison for this? Doesn’t Japan have interrogation rooms like America?”

Quote:

"Uh, I came to the detention room just for this? That's stupid," he thought.

Phoenix: “Agreed.”

Quote:

Then he was released out of the detention room.

Maya: “‘No! I must fight for the defendants,’ he shouted. The radio said, ‘No, Nick. You are the defendants.” And then Nick was the detention room.”

Quote:

"Maya, will you help me out?"

Maya: “Nick, there’s a door right there. You really are helpless without me, huh?”

Quote:

Phoenix asked while walking down the stairs from the detention center.

"I'd love to, Nick. In what?"

Phoenix: “I have this itch on my back that I just can’t reach.”

Maya: “Oh, right here? No prob.” *scratches Phoenix’s back*

Phoenix: “Ah, yeah. Right there. That’s good.”

Edgeworth: “Helpless indeed.”

Quote:

"In helping me find Mila's killer! I know that Ms. Jenna Reed will come back and try to accuse me on this case! I've got a feeling about it."

Maya: “Someone stole the S from her last name! That has to be a clue!”

Edgeworth: “You were just thrown in prison, Wright. You’ve already been accused.”

Phoenix: “No, she just questioned me then released me.”

Edgeworth: “Then why were you detained? A prosecutor claiming to be hired privately and a questioning conducted in a prison cell involving someone who is not even a witness let alone a suspect… either you’re being set up to take a fall or the author simply has no idea what he’s doing.”

Maya: “Mr. Edgeworth, you’re really thinking too hard on this.”

Edgeworth: “Miss Fey, that is my job.”

Quote:

HIS PHONE RANG…

Phoenix: “VERY LOUDLY.”

Quote:

SMS

Dear Mr. Phoenix,

Phoenix: “Wright. My last name is Wright.”

Maya: “It’s like if Pearly was being all formal! Aww, that would be so cute.”

Quote:

The FORENSICS department has found fingerprints of Robert Blake on the gun found. We think this could be the murder weapon that killed the victim, Ms. Mila Kaiis. We also have found out that he is one of her friends. We have put him into the detention center.

Riley Finnegan

(Gumshoe's replacement…for now)

Phoenix: “Wow, I don’t think I’ve ever seen such a cooperative detective.”

Maya: “But hey, you’re off the hook now, Nick.”

Edgeworth: “Why have you been informed of this, Wright? You have no client and are not involved in this case. Are you planning to defend the murderer of your friend?”

Phoenix: “Oh no, not this again…”

Maya: “Wait, what’s with that last part? Gumshoe’s been replaced? That’s really sad.”

Quote:

"Nick, Gumshoe has been replaced? That's really sad," Maya said.

Maya: “I know! Nick, cheer me and my fic-me up.”

Quote:

"Don't worry, Maya. He is replaced…for now," Phoenix replied.

Maya: “That’s not cheering either of me up! You’re just repeating the sadness!”

Phoenix: “Why is Gumshoe even here!? I thought this was Japan now.”

Maya: “If it's Japan, how did we even get there?”

Phoenix: “Where are we!?”

Edgeworth: “Plot-holeistan.”

Quote:

"He's so much more professional than Gumshoe. I wish this Riley guy can stick a while longer," Phoenix thought.

Edgeworth: “Could, not can. Also, stick to what?”

Phoenix: “I’ve noticed you really haven’t ripped in to the grammar on this like you have the others.”

Edgeworth: “It’s curious. The author seems to have a rudimentary grasp of the English language but not even a child’s understanding of law.”

Quote:

"Come on Nick, let's go and meet this guy right now! Before any press and the prosecutors question him!"

Phoenix: “Uh, Maya, he’s already in the detention center. Chances are they’ve already questioned him at this point.”

Maya: “Knowing our luck he’s being questioned when we get there too. Just what do they keep asking those people!?”

Quote:

Then they went inside the detention room. They saw a black-skin guy with an afro. He looked worried.

Phoenix: “…”

Maya: “…”

Edgeworth: “…You have to be kidding me. ‘A black-skin guy?’”

Phoenix: “That’s the best description of an African-American you could come up with, author?”

Edgeworth: “Even ‘a black skinned guy’ would have sufficed!”

Maya: “Sheesh, and you called me racist for talking about ninjas.”

Quote:

"Hello Mr. Blake," Phoenix said to Robert as he sat down opposite him.

"I didn't kill Mila! Yes, I was there, but I didn't kill her," Robert yelled.

Phoenix: “Slow down, champ. I didn’t even ask a question yet.”

Quote:

"Mr. Blake, please calm down. Just tell me what you knew about Mila and explain the incident."

Edgeworth: “You did it. I thought maybe we were joking but you really did it. You flew to Japan at four in the morning to investigate a case without even picking up a client first.”

Phoenix: “You’re one to talk. Didn’t you charter a private plane to visit me in the hospital?”

Edgeworth: “That would be because a certain mutual acquaintance of ours told me you were dying.”

Quote:

"Yeah, I know. She became very greedy. She found out that the movie Nathan had terminated became a very huge hit in the US.

Maya: “Wow, this guy had some serious power if he could stop a movie from being made.”

Edgeworth: “Before it had stated he only terminated her contract. Now he has terminated the entire film?”

Maya: “But it became a hit anyway! I guess some audiences know what they want even if they can’t have it.”

Quote:

They even won 8 award ceremonies! That was what she wanted in her career. She was planning to kill Nathan and become famous."

Edgeworth: “Notoriety through crime is usually referred to as ‘infamous’ more than famous.”

Quote:

"But why didn't she just fire him?" Maya asked.

"She couldn't. He signed a contract with her, and if that contract was broken, she had to give half of what she earned to him. This for her was not fair.

Phoenix: “Why would she even sign a contract like that in the first place!?”

Maya: “She’s even worse with her money than you, Nick.”

Phoenix: “Hey, I used to be good with my money until a certain girl wormed her way in to my life and started using it all…”

Maya: “Well no wonder you’re so stingy on the burgers if you keep spending all your money on your girlfriend. Wait, when did you get a girlfriend!? Why haven’t I met her!? I should get the final say on this, Nick!”

Phoenix: “…”

Edgeworth: “Would you care for me to field this one, Wright?”

Phoenix: “NO!”

Quote:

She told me to meet her at 4 am in the morning.

Edgeworth: “One or the other. Not both.”

Quote:

But when I gave her the gun, which was in this long, polished, black box, she…she…was shot. Before she could've taken the black gun, she was already killed. Sadly, I couldn't see anyone in the quiet road."

Phoenix: “So both the box and the gun are black? Is that what was so special about it?”

Edgeworth: “At least the road is still quiet.”

Phoenix: “Maybe that’s the street name: Quiet Road.”

Quote:

"So you ran?" Maya asked, again.

"Of course! How can I not have run?

Phoenix: “Well, you could have stayed nearby and explained things to the police like a helpful citizen…”

Edgeworth: “I don’t even know what tense this sentence is striving for.”

Quote:

If I even took the body to the police, they would have accused me that I killed her,

Edgeworth: “Not many people enter police stations carrying dead bodies, Mr. Blake. Perhaps you could have just called the police and not touched anything on the scene?”

Quote:

and then I put the gun she specially bought, in the trash. I swear to you, I did not do anything wrong!"

Maya: “But didn’t they say the gun in the trash was the murder weapon? Didn’t they check to see if it had been fired and if the ballistic markings lined up?”

Edgeworth: “It’s a sad day when a spirit medium knows more about police investigations than the supposed police.”

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"Thank you, Mr. Blake; you have made this case very clear to me. I'll see you later in court," Phoenix stated.

Maya: “Sounds like you have it figured out, Nick. What happened?”

Phoenix: “I’m going to say no one bothered to run any tests on the gun they found in the trash and that Mila was shot by her manager shortly before this guy made it to the scene.”

Maya: “Why him?”

Phoenix: “Because he’s the only other person in this story besides the new prosecutor and the murderer in the flashback was male.”

Edgeworth: “You are forgetting the detective replacing Gumshoe.”

Maya: “For now.”

Edgeworth: “Replacing Gumshoe… for now.”

Phoenix: “Oh yeah. I still say it’s the manager because the author made a special point to say Mila hated him.”

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Then they went out of the detention room. It was very clear now that he had explained why she called Nick.

Maya: “It was very clear that it was a quiet street.”

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"Nick, why don't we go to her manager's office?"

"That was exactly what I was thinking."

Edgeworth: “It would seem your avatar up on screen has the same intuition.”

Maya: “Well, we didn’t find him in a dumpster beside the crime scene, but this is close enough.”

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Then they headed off to Nathan's office.

Phoenix: “I’ve noticed something. All these people have strikingly American names for supposedly Japanese natives.”

Edgeworth: “That is probably just as well. I don’t think I could last through a fan fiction stuffed full of random Japanese words and honorifics whose only purpose is to prove the author watches too much anime.”

Maya: “Aww, but Edgeworth-san, you’re so kawaii when you talk like that!”

Edgeworth: “Miss Fey, you will stop that this instant.”

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"Hello, young attorney. What can I do for you today? Do you want to be the cover of 'Headless' Magazine?

Phoenix: “Headless?”

Maya: “Nick, he’s going to cut off our heads and pose us for his snuff magazine! We have to get out of there!”

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Or why not act in a TV show; I think I have just the right character for you to play!" Nathan cried as he looked at Phoenix and Maya heading inside the room.

Maya: “Oooh, a TV show?”

Phoenix: “Weren’t you just yelling how we should leave?”

Maya: “That was before I was promised fame and glory. Maybe he could get me a singing career! You could be my roadie!”

Phoenix: “Doesn’t Master of Kurain carry its own fame and glory?”

Maya: “Just political power. That’s boring.”

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"Well, I'm not here for acting, I'm just here to ask a few questions about Ms. Mila Kaiis," Phoenix explained.

Nathan coughed. "I think I have a meeting in another minute, my assistant will lead you out now."

Maya: “So he was Mila’s assistant but he has an assistant of his own? Nick, get me an assistant!”

Phoenix: “Doesn’t Pearls count?”

Maya: “Hey yeah! Now get Pearly an assistant.”

Phoenix: “What would Pearls even have an assistant do?”

Edgeworth: “Likely aid in her schemes to force you two in to a romantic relationship.”

Maya: “N-Nick…”

Phoenix: “No assistant for Pearls. Got it.”

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"Thank you for your time…um, Mr. Black."

"You as well," Nathan replied.

The assistant brought them out.

Edgeworth: “She brought you out? You were already there.”

Phoenix: “The author must mean ‘led us out’ or ‘took us out.’”

Edgeworth: “It is becoming more and more apparent this author does not speak English as a primary language.”

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"So…you should know Mr. Black's behavior, I'm sure," Phoenix said to the assistant.

Edgeworth: “You’re tattling on him to his assistant now, Wright?”

Phoenix: “Hey, if he’s going to act like a child I’m going to treat him like one.”

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"He IS very scary towards everyone; even to Ms. Kaiis. I have overheard him yelling at the young missy here,

Maya: “I’m a grown woman, thank you!”

Phoenix: “You could be young compared to the assistant. We don’t know how old she is yet.”

Maya: “I suppose. We’ve had witnesses even call you young.”

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and that was not his worst cry, in fact, it was a Level 1 in his 'shouting' scale."

Maya: “Nick, what does the scouter say about his shouting level!?”

Phoenix: “It’s only level one.”

Maya: “Oh, well that’s not very impressive.”

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"Nick, can you NOT make him mad in court?" whispered Maya to Phoenix.

"No promises, Maya," he whispered back.

Edgeworth: “Are you capable of leaving anyone in a good mood on the stand, Wright?”

Phoenix: “Well maybe if they’d stop lying to my face…”

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"She was very friendly towards me.

Maya: “I just met the assistant and she already thinks I’m friendly? I guess I just come off that way, huh?”

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Please, find her killer before she attacks another person!" the assistant said.

Maya: “Oh no, I’m dead!”

Phoenix: “She means Mila’s killer, Maya.”

Maya: “Oh, but… ‘she’ was still referring to me I thought.”

Edgeworth: “This is why I’m such a stickler for grammar, Miss Fey.”

Maya: “Whatever. I just want to live through one of these fics.”

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"I'll try my best! Can we call you a witness of Mr. Black's mad behavior?"

"Of course!" the assistant yelled.

Maya: “Why are you yelling!?”

Phoenix: “I’ve never seen someone so excited about being called to testify in court.”

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"SHANICE! COME HERE IMMEDIATELY!" Nathan shouted, which we heard from the entrance.

Edgeworth: “Oh wonderful. Now it’s suddenly in the first person.”

Maya: “He’s so loud even the narrator heard him!”

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"Coming sir!" she shouted back, "I'm afraid I have to leave now, thank you for visiting Mr. Black."

Then she ran towards Nathan's office.

Phoenix: “But she missed and hit the wall.”

Maya: “At least she was close!”

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"Alright, Nick. Where are we heading next?" Maya asked.

Phoenix: “Well, we should probably go back to the detention center and double check this with our client.”

Maya: “Let’s go catch a movie instead. We already know the manager is the killer.”

Edgeworth: “Is this how you usually investigate, Wright? Wandering around aimlessly until your assistant gets you distracted?”

Phoenix: “Eh, pretty much.”

Edgeworth: “…How did I lose to this?”

Quote:

Nick's phone rang.

SMS

Dear Mr. Phoenix,

Phoenix: “Wright. My last name is Wright.”

Maya: “Déjà vu!”

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We all, detectives, policemen and lawyers, are told to take a rest for today. Tomorrow, we begin to examine witnesses in the courtroom. Please be prepared, Mr. Phoenix, your opponent is Ms. Jenna Reed. Get a goodnight's sleep.

Riley Finnegan

Edgeworth: “Mr. Finnegan, you have no jurisdiction over a private attorney. Furthermore, who issued this order to ‘take a rest?’ This is absurd.”

Phoenix: “Why does this guy have my number anyway? Don’t tell me he’s another friend I don’t know about.”

Maya: “So Jenna Reeds is Jenna Reed for sure now? Are these two different women with very similar names or did the author just forget his own characters?”

Maya: “We could still make it if you got me that time controlling fur coat, Nick. There’s a pass I wouldn’t mind. Oh… but your girlfriend probably would…”

Phoenix: *buries his head in his hands* “…How did this happen?”

Quote:

Very unlucky for Nick, 'but this happens often, right?' that's what Phoenix told the judge.

Edgeworth: “You're not being billed by the sentence, author. You may use more than one.”

Quote:

COURTROOM 3, 11.15 am

"This happens, right, your honor?" Phoenix said.

Edgeworth: “Showing up an hour and fifteen minutes late does not just ‘happen,’ Wright.”

Quote:

"No, it doesn't.

Phoenix: “As always, the judge agrees with the prosecution.”

Maya: “Well he has a point this time, Nick.”

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But I'm sure you are a good attorney, Mr. Wright.

Maya: “Is he trying to console you?”

Edgeworth: “I believe the judge is talking down to you, Wright.”

Phoenix: *sighs* “I’m used to it.”

Quote:

The court is going to continue the murder case of Ms. Mila Kaiis," the judge said, "Ms. Jenna Reeds as the lawyer of the Kaiis' family. To inform everyone here, the Kaiis' family recommended solving this case today."

Edgeworth: “So she really is a private attorney then? Why is a state prosecutor not assigned to a murder case? This is a travesty.”

Maya: “I like how they had to recommend solving the case.”

Phoenix: “I know, right? What did they think we were going to do?”

Maya: “We could have set up a TV and ordered pizza and had a court lock-in! That would be so cool!”

Edgeworth: “You’ve already found the killer! As the prosecutor it’s your solemn duty to convict the accused. You are a disgrace, Ms. Reeds… Reed… whomever!”

Maya: “I thought you stopped acting like that.”

Edgeworth: “It is my job to convict, Miss Fey. It is the defense attorney’s job to exonerate. Between the two of us we chip away the lies to reveal the shimmering gem of truth. It is a symbiotic relationship that should be preserved no matter our personal feelings.”

Maya: “That’s the Edgeworth I know.”

Edgeworth: “Meanwhile, this so-called ‘prosecutor’ is attempting to convict witnesses like the Wright we know…”

Phoenix: “If they would stop being so guilty I wouldn’t do it!”

Quote:

The judge smiled for a millisecond,

Maya: “Wow, he’s fast.”

Phoenix: “Pretty spry for an old guy.”

Quote:

and then firmly told the bailiff to bring in the first witness, the owner of the My Café coffee shop, Mr. Daniel Cornel, who was a very perky and tidy person who loved fashion. Sadly for Phoenix, he didn't have time to chat with him.

Phoenix: “Why would I want to chat with him?”

Maya: “For tips? You aren’t perky, tidy, or fashionable, Nick.”

Phoenix: “I’m tidy!”

Quote:

"Mr. Cornel, please tell me what you have witnessed at the crime scene," the judge said.

Edgeworth: “Your theory is losing weight, Wright.”

Phoenix: “What theory?”

Edgeworth: “About the manager being the killer because he is the only other man in the story.”

Phoenix: “Oh yeah. We did just have another one pop out of nowhere, didn’t we?”

Well, now I know what to do to avoid being on this group's chopping block.

This concept is really clever, and the commentary is very humorous. I especially like this latest one with the private prosecutor and Phoenix's mysterious friend that he himself doesn't know about. I look forward to many more sporkings.

Loved that! I was loling so much I had to hold my mouth shut. Especially where Gumshoe got totally written out for no reason, what the hell! Also the whole "If you're telling the truth then I trust you part" megalolz.

While scrolling through the old forums, I noticed a few pictures and sporkings that went unnoticed in the introductory post. If it's all the same with everyone else, I'm going to post those here for easy reference.

*late fool is late*I'm truly sorry for neglected this forum so much. Problem is, I switched fandoms around summer last year, and the more I concentrated on new stuff, the less I thought of Ace Attorney. I had exchanged PMs with Neni a few times because I wanted her to approve of our sporking before posting it. The reason for this was that I had screwed up the continuity/rules with my second spork, and I wanted to avoid getting everyone upset again. Neni approved in the end, but told me that it would still take quite a while for the sporking thread to be reopened because she and some other sporkers were too busy studying (which I do understand), so then I concentrated even more on other things, and I kinda forgot to check if the thread was reopened, that's why I only saw it now. :(I'll post our spork later, I just have to go buy some groceries and read up on the new spork first. Sorry for keeping you waiting!Oh, and I think while I'm at it I might as well make a new list of links to older sporks since I see that mine aren't linked yet and I suppose some others might be missing as well.

ETA: Okay, so I got a complete list of sporks from the old thread in chronological order, and hopefully all the pics. I think chronological order works best because some sporks had referances to others or the fics reviewed in them. I hope somebody still reads this thread even though I was so late and caused a delay. :( If you see this, please respond in some way, and I'll post the spork I wrote with drthingums in the next post.

I really enjoyed reading the sporkings from the original thread on the backup forums. Too bad only one sporking has happened so far in this thread, but I have already subscribed just in case anybody makes new ones!

Okay, let's see if I remember how to post these things... :DSpork by drthingums and Pessimistic Fool. Ahem.

Hello and welcome to another episode of our popular sporking theater! Today we're going to make things a little more special for your entertainment.Our sporkers today are...

...totally not going to be reveiled!Speakers: Um... are you trying to get fired?Host: I'm not working for you, babe. Not yet! ^^Speakers: Ugh... is this--Host: Uh-uh-uh! No names in the theater! No spoiling the fun!Speakers: Whatever... -.-Host: Anyways, on to our lovely guests here today! Say hi, guys! -...and ladies, could it be? ^^Guest #1: *says hi*Guest #2: What is this, a chatroom? Talk normally!Guest #1: Okay, okay. Guest #3: This is already starting to get annoying. Guest #4: This is fun! Hey everybody! Am I on TV now?Guest #5: I think we're off-camera right now. Hi, guys!Host: Okay, here are the rules: For our guests today, the challenge is to... uh... chit-chat, pretty much. BUT! I get to pick the topic, which is, well, the movie. For our audience at home, we're playing two rounds of GUESS WHO, in which you will have to guess- yeah who am I kidding, right? You all know the rules. ^^ Here we goooooo!

[The lights are turned out and the fic starts playing.]

Quote:

Ace Attorney Randomness(by FlyingAboveTheClouds)Hello everyone! This is my first ever fanfic and I hope it's weird.

Guest #3: At last, an author with ambition!Guest #5: What foolish fool of a fool...Guest #1: ...to write this foolish attempt of a foolish fool's foolish fan fiction!Guest #2: Stop fooling the foolish audience, you fools!*whip-crack*Host: WAH! Hey, what was that for? Guest #1: I guess she was 'fooled' by the darkness surrounding our identities. *whip-crack*Guest #1: GAH! *whimper*

Quote:

Please R&R but don't be too harsh. I think I'll make this at least a few chapters that all involve Ace Attorney characters getting into very strange situations.

Guest #2: Well, if we're reviewing it here, I'd call that a success.

Quote:

I don't own the Ace Attorney series.

Guest #1: Video game piracy is bad, m'kay?

Quote:

"Daddy is there going to be a zombie apocalypse?" Trucy asked.

Guest #1: More zombies? Why is it that so many people look at us and think 'needs more walking corpses'?

Quote:

Phoenix began laughing but suddenly stopped when he realized thatTrucy was serious. "Of course not Trucy-doll, where'd you get that idea?""Well," she said, "the CDC made a zombie apocalypse preparedness plan and it just freaks me out." Phoenix laughed again. "Don't worry Truce, you don't have to freak out about a zombie apocalypse because there will never be a zombie apocalypse. It's all just pop culture garbage."Three Days Later….."AAAAAHHHHHHH MR. WRIGHT WHAT DO WE DOOOOOO?"Apollo and Phoenix were running away from a zombified Wendy Oldbag

Guest #3: Wouldn't have to run very fast then, I think.Guest #4: Ohoho. I would have to disagree with you there, M-... M-,m-my friend.Guest #5: You're friends now? Guest #3: Not in my definition of the word.Guest #4: Aw, cheer up now! We're all here for fun, right?Guest #1,2 and 3: ...Host: That's right, candidate 4! It's all about the fun in our SUPERCOOL SPORKING THEA--Guest #3: Cut it out!

Quote:

who was trying to hit them with her toy gun thing after realizing that it didn't actually shoot laser beams.Phoenix pulled a piece of paper out of his pocket. "Well according to the CDC's Zombie Apocalypse Preparedness Plan the Trucy printed out off the internet-"

Guest #5: 'The' Trucy? Is that a new species? Maybe you could buy them in different colors, like furbies. I wonder if you could teach them a new name or if you'd have to call each and every one of them 'Trucy'.Guest #1: I'm not sure if I would like to have a Furbie using my computer. Those things are scary.Guest #5: How so? They're all fluffy and cuddly and cuuuuuuuuuute!Guest #2: Please don't ever let me hear you use that voice again!Guest #4: They are kind of cute alright. Guest #5: See? Nameless Person X likes them, too.Guest #3: I wouldn't rely on Nameless Person X's sense of taste.

Quote:

"FORGET ABOUT THE STUPID ZOMBIE APACOLYPSE PREPAREDNESS PLAN!" Apollo shouted, grabbing the paper and crumpling it up. They were now backed up against a building with nowhere to run when…"Edgeworth!" Phoenix shouted with surprise. Edgeworth stood about twenty feet behind the pursuing zombie, holding a .45 caliber rifle aimed directly at the zombie's head. The zombie turned around."EDGEY-POO!" yelled Oldbag Zombie. "You've returned to me!" The usually slow zombie

Guest #5: So she really is slow even in the fic! Why were you running away again?

Quote:

took off running after Edgeworth, who dropped the rifle and shouted "Stop stalking mmmmmeeeeeeeeeee!"

Guest #3: You just stalked her. Make up your mind! Guest #4: And with a rifle and all! That's no way to treat an old lady, pal.Guest #5: Yeah, pal!Guest #1: I'm not your pal, pal!Guest #3: Would you quit it already?!

Quote:

He ran out of the alley way and down the street where many zombies looked over curiously to watch the purple-suited man

Guest #1: Where did the Joker suddenly come from?Guest #4: Maybe it's the Phantom?Guest #5: I thought the Phantom had a mask and a tuxedo.Guest #1: Not that phantom, M- my friend.

Quote:

shouting about how he wasn't into older women.

Guest #1: It sure is nice of this author to clarify that it's older women he doesn't like, as opposed to women in general.Guest #2: Thank you for reminding us all.Guest #1: Any time.

Quote:

"Well this sucks." Phoenix said.Hope you found the fanfic weird.

Guest #5: Huh? That was it? That's the whole story?Guest #1: Wait, there's another two chapters.Guest #2: Ah, well, if they're all as long as the first, we should be out of here in no time.

Quote:

R&R. The sad thing is that the CDC really did make a Zombie Apocalypse Preparedness plan.

Guest #2: Yes, that's very sad. Let us all mourn about this for a minute or two!Host: And with this, the first round of our popular sporking theater show is over! Doing great, everybody!Guest #4: Really? Did I win something?Host: Of course you did, candidate number four! You all win a bunch of free candy from our lovely sponsors in the management! *pushes some kind of remote and a great amount of candy and confetti come raining out of the air vent*Guest #5: Yaaaay! Speakers: I don't think I ever agreed to this.Host: Of course not, it was supposed to be a surprise. Pretty cool, huh? *grins*Speakers: I will be accepting cash or Mastercard.

Quote:

Yo peoples! This is the second chapter of Ace Attorney Randomness. I hope it's very, very random and a lot better than the first chapter. I do not own the Ace Attorney series, Harry Potter (which this is going to be somewhat a parody of), or A Very Potter Musical (They own Pigfarts).

This chapter was inspired by the dialogue that Gumshoe has w/ Edgeworth in case 3-5 during the investigation part where Phoenix is in the hospital. Gumshoe says something stupid like "Hey Edgeworth, do you want to hear some top secret police info" and then he says "When I was a kid, I wanted to be a wizard."

Guest #5: Ooh, magic. I love magic! Hey, that person next to me! Can you do a magic trick? Guest #1: Well, uh... actually, I can make a coin disappear. *takes one out* See, now it's here... *puts hands together* and now... *opens them* it's gone. Guest #5: ...No, it's right there, on the floor, where you dropped it. Guest #1: Uuh, well... Guest #5: That's not very impressive, Nick. Even I can do better than that. At least I can make burgers disappear. Phoenix: (You can also make evidence disappear...)Host: Guys! You're spoiling everything!!Phoenix: Oh, sorry, Larry.Larry: AAAAARRRGHHHH!!!!!

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I laughed so hard at that just because of the pure stupidity.

Guest #2: How fitting.

Quote:

Apollo Justice sat down at his computer in Wright Anything Agency.

Phoenix: Not to be confused with the Wright A Better Fanfic Agency.Maya: Ba-dum tish!

Quote:

He checked his e-mail and was surprised to find an e-mail from Klavier Gavin, the subject was "Kristoph". He opened the e-mail and read it."Herr Forehead,I just thought you would like to know that Kristoph was executed yesterday. That was why I was not in court today.Achtung Baby,Klavier"

Phoenix: Did he just salute?Guest #2: Did he just refer to that attorney as "baby"?Guest #3: I thought he was a horse.Phoenix: ?Guest #2: Just... don't ask!

Quote:

Apollo wasn't sure how to react. Kristoph Gavin was an evil human being, but he was Apollo's mentor and Prosecutor Gavin's brother…..Prosecutor Gavin. Poor guy. He must be crushed.

Maya: "He must be crushed! He must be smashed! Kill... kill..." Guest #2: To the management: Please don't give Maya Fey any more candy! Thank you.Larry: That wasn't the management, that was me, silly.Guest #4: It's okay, pal, just leave it to me! *grabs candy from Maya and starts munching away*Guest #3: You two are the worst gluttons I have ever seen!

Quote:

It wouldn't hurt to pay him a visit, right?Apollo sat in Prosecutor Gavin's office. "You've come to talk about Kristoph, ja?" Said Gavin. Apollo shifted in his seat nervously. "I'm sorry to hear about his execution." Said Apollo. "Don't be," replied Gavin, "He got what he deserved."There was a uncomfortable silence where neither where sure what to say.

Guest #2: It's 'an uncomfortable silence where neither were sure', if anything! Foolish fools!Guest #3: Sto-stop impersonating people! It scares me.Larry: Stop telling the audience who's impersonating!Guest #3: Stop telling me what to do! *whip-crack*Maya: Stop fighting, you guys!Guest #4: Yeah! No fighting, pal! I mean, guys! I mean... anyway, no fighting!Maya: Does anyone anywhere not know who we are at this point?

[The fic is paused.]

Larry: *sighs* You're right... guess the suspense is kinda lost with you guys. Franziska: Does this mean we can go now?Larry: Oh no no, don't worry about that! I have a backup plan.Edgeworth: Backup plan?Larry: With the help of my LOVELY ASSISTANT! Let's hear it for our new candidates!!Phoenix: What?Maya: 'New candidates'?Edgeworth: 'Lovely... assistant'?

[A well familiar tune starts playing as the doors fly open and a lovely assistant in a glittering costume drags in a number of 'candidates'.]

Edgeworth: KAY?Kay: The one and only!Larry: OK, my backup plan is simple. I choose 4 people from these guys to take over the sporking. Let’s see...I'll use...that Antennas guy, the chick in the top hat, the rocker-guy, and that hot scientist chick.Apollo: My name is APOLLO JUSTICE!Larry: Whatever. Now let’s go backstage and make you indisping...indisking...indestinjish...un-tell-apart-able by sight.Franziska: It’s indistinguishable, you foolishly foolish fool! *Whips Larry*

[While Larry recovers, the new sporkers are taken out of sight.]

Voice from backstage: Wait, what are you doing to-NOOOOOO! NOT MY SPIKES! YOU BASTARDS!

[5 minutes later...]

Larry: Ready guys?Guests: No!Larry: Well tough! *resumes fic*

Quote:

Apollo remembered that there was something he wanted to ask Gavin about Kristoph, he didn't know how to phrase it though. "Um, Mr. Gav-" "Please Herr Forehead, call me Klavier." The blonde interrupted. "Uh…okay. I was just wondering, why did Kristoph commit all those murders? Why did he become what he was? Why did he turn into such an evil person?"

Anonny #1: Why would anyone even ask that question? And if you want to be called Klavier, then you should at least call others by their ACTUAL NAMES instead of "Herr Forehead" or "Fraulein Dectective", glimmerous fop!

Quote:

Klavier looked slightly hurt but answered anyway. "I don't know exactly why, but when we were younger, I thought he might have had....issues." This interested Apollo, "Insane?"

Klavier got up from his seat and approached a bookshelf. He ran his finger along the binding of the books until he found an old, browned book with papers stuffed into out.

Franziska: “Stuffed into out”!? What a foolishly foolish mistake!Larry: Franzy, those four are sporking, not you. Now shut up!Phoenix: I think he means business. Might as well do as he says.

Quote:

Actually the paper would best be described as parchment. Klavier removed these papers and walked back to the desk. "When I was four, Kristoph was transferred to a school somewhere in the U.K. All I knew was that it was a boarding school and he visited during Christmas time, Easter, and of course during the summer. When I was thirteen he told me that there was more to this school. He gave me these papers." He glanced at the thick pile of papers on the desk, "I read them, and, I began to think he had gone insane."

Anonny #3: And you didn’t tell anyone about this?

Quote:

Apollo took the papers and began to read.21 years agoEleven year old Kristoph Gavin was confused. He stood there talking to a strange man who had suddenly showed up at his house while his parents and Klavier were out shopping, His name was Dumbledore. What an odd name, Kristoph thought, wasn't it an Old English word for something?

Anonny #1: Yeah, for RIPOFF!

Quote:

The man continued speaking, "….and I can teach you how to make things float, and set things on fire, and how to lace stamps with antroquinine, if you come to my school of witchcraft and wizardry; Pigfarts."

Kristoph stared at the man wearing star-spangled purple robes for another few seconds before daring to ask.

Anonny #3: He took his robes off after a few seconds?Edgeworth: Thank you for disturbing us all, whatever-your-name-is!Phoenix: *sings in a low voice* Oh say, does that star-spangled purple robe yet wave?Kay: Shut up! Both of you!Larry: How are we supposed to run a show here with you disturbing the candidates like that? I should disqualify you... but nah, I'm just too nice a guy.

Quote:

"Pigfarts?" Kristoph was extremely confused now. Dumbledore went off explaining all about magic, wizarding schools, wands, dragons, and other absurd things. Kristoph only believed it all when he came to Pigfarts, a magical school, by a submarine powered by unicorn crap. Yes you heard right, unicorn crap. Piles and piles of unicorn crap. *shudder* 0_o

Anonny #3: Unicorns crap?Anonny #2: Eeeww, that’s disgusting.Anonny #4: Well they would if they were real.

Quote:

The submarine was large. Very large. There were students everywhere. Their ages seemed to range from Kristoph's age to nearly adult. Kristoph took a seat at a table with two other students who appeared to be his age. One was a girl with a large, red afro and a green sweater. The other student was a boy who was built like a football player,(A/N: Or I guess like a rugby player since Kristoph is from Europe) and had brown hair and a green jacket. "Howdy!' said the girl, "Ma' name's Lotta Hart." She stared at him and smiled with her massive over-bite. The boy spoke up. "Hi, my name's Dick Gumshoe, but just call me Gumshoe."

Gumshoe: I did WANT to be a wizard once but I never went to any-AARRRGGGHHH!Kay: Now now Gummy, you’re not sporking anymore, so shut up!Phoenix: DON’T GRIN WHILE HOLDING THAT TASER!Maya: Yeah, bad memories.

Quote:

Kristoph then introduced himself. "My name is Kristoph Gavin. I'm from Germany." The girl pulled out at large, old looking camera and took a picture of him. Flares of purple smoke emitted from it, making Kristoph and Gumshoe cough uncontrollably. "Why did you take a picture of me?" Kristoph asked. "I want to be photographer for the Daily Pig Fart. It's the school newspaper."Kristoph had all kinds of classes. His least favorite class was his Magic Liquids class. The teacher was named Severus Snape and he seemed to dislike Kristoph.

Anonny #2: So Kristoph’s Harry Potter now?Phoenix: And I never would have thought Lotta and Hermione were-GAAAHHHH!Maya: NNIIIICCCCKKK! *Attacks Kay*

Quote:

"The next step to making a rainbow elixir is to add seven cups of gnat craps." Said Snape. "Then, add some antroquinine." Lotta raised her hand but didn't bother to wait for Snape to call on her. "Hey Mister. What would happen if someone laced a stamp with antroquinine and sent it to a muggle?" Snape ignored the question.

Over the next seven years Kristoph had many adventures. In his first year, Kristoph became the youngest member ever of a sport called Dummheit where people ride unicorns and try to steal chickens from the other team and then shave/collect the feathers to get points.

Anonny #4:*snigger* Dummheit. How appropriate.

Quote:

Kristoph's job was to get the bonus, purple chicken. Later that year he protected Pigfarts by stopping his weird teacher from stealing a legendary object called the Logician's Magatama.

In his second year, a he was constantly pestered by a young sasquatch named Hagrid that kept telling him that there was danger lurking at Hogwarts. Later that year he discovered a secret attic in the school where he had to kill a dangerous creature called a Riese Huhn.

Anonny #3: What’s a “Riese Huhn”?Anonny #1: No idea.

Quote:

In his third year he was stalked by an evil wizard named Damon Gant. Yeah that's pretty much it…..In his fourth year, Damon Gant announced that he was renaming himself Nomad Tang,

Edgeworth: Since when was Gant Voldemort?Larry: Kay might be...busy, but come on... don't be a spoilsport, Edgey!Gumshoe: Are you DROOLING over the girls’ catfight behind that podium, pal!? Put your hands up, NOW!Franziska: W-What are you implying? Don't say such foolish things in such a disturbing order! It's irritating!Anonny #1: DISGUSTING!Phoenix: DO NOT WANT!

Quote:

In his fifth year, he found an orb that told him that a spiky haired lawyer that looked like a drunken hobo was going bring his downfall by taking his nail polish and some mail off of his end table.

Anonny #3: Hey look guys, that orb just predicted the future!

Quote:

In his sixth year, Kristoph wondered why many villains make their names anagrams of their actual names.

Anonny #1: And that’s ALL he did?

Quote:

In his seventh year, Kristoph met Nomad Tang for an epic fight. Unicorns were running all over the place in panic. They stood facing each other. "You are so stupid and- OMG LOOK!" Kristoph looked up, Nomad Tang took his wand out of his hand while he was distracted.

Anonny #4: The oldest trick in the book. I can’t believe Kristoph fell for it!

Quote:

"HA! I TOOK YOUR WAND! I HAVE DEFEATED YOU! HAHAHAH!" Kristoph dropped to his knees, "NOOOOO!" Kristoph then went back to Germany and became a defense attorney. Nomad Tang A.K.A. Damon Gant was later impaled in the head by one of the unicorns that was wildly running around in panic.

Anonny #3: That was lame! I mean, he screams and goes straight back to Germany. AND TANG LETS HIM!

Quote:

"Oh." Said Apollo, setting the papers down. "I guess he was crazy"

Anonny #2: You only JUST figured that out?

Quote:

Two days laterApollo sat at his desk in Wright Anything Agency, when a client an in. He was a rather odd looking man. "How can I help you sir?" Apollo asked. The man in purple robes held up the severed head of a greasy haired guy and said "Um I might be charged with the murder of Severus Snape, can you help me?"

Anonny #2: ...I should have expected this. I mean, this is a crackfic!

Quote:

"AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"Apollo spent the rest of the day locking himself in the bathroom.

Anonny #1: I thought locking yourself in the bathroom just took a few seconds.Anonny #3: And I didn’t know fictional wizards showing up at your law firm gave you diarrhoea.Phoenix: His law firm? Wouldn't I get a say in that?

Quote:

That was weird, right?

Maya: I don't know. We've had worse.Phoenix: Yeah, it's gonna be pretty hard to beat trials in space, exploding suns and Spiderworth.Gumshoe: Aw, I feel so left out right now.

Quote:

Don't think that I don't like the Harry Potter series, I love it, but it's just so fun to make parodies of it. Also go to this website to find some interesting anagrams for Damon Gant: ?anagram=Damon+Gant&t=1000&a=n

Edgeworth: You need a website to find anagrams for a person's name? Apollo: And half the address is missing too!Trucy: Scientifically speaking-- wait, was that my name just now?

[A cheerful jingle starts playing and the lights in the theater flash.]

Larry: That's right, so-and-so! You and your fellow candidates just finished the second round. Congratulations!Apollo: Se-Second... round? Is there more than one?Larry: Well, only one left now. But before we get to that, let's HAVE A LOOK AT THE LOVELY PRIZES YOU'VE WON!!!Kay: That's right, Larry! And what could be better for our second round prize than NOISEMAKERS AND PARTY HATS!!!!

[She pulls a large party cracker out of her bag and pops it, sending hats and noisemakers everywhere along with another amount of confetti.]

Apollo: That's all we get for...this!?Franziska: Hmph! What kind of immature people do you suspect us to--Maya: Party hat! Party hat! I want a party hat! *grabs one that is left over and puts it on*Trucy: Me too! *shoves Maya out of the way*Gumshoe: Ooh, noisemakers! I love these little things! They give you such a nostalgic feeling. *rattle rattle toooot*Franziska: Ugh. Remind me again why we are doing this!Apollo: I'm as clueless as you are.Phoenix: *sigh* I'm afraid it's my own fault, more or less. I shouldn't have asked him to stay. We should have just thrown him out while we still could...Larry: Aw, come on, it was fun!Phoenix: One morning, this guy comes strolling into my office like--Fictional Larry: "Yo Nick! Check out this super cool piece of art!"Fictional Phoenix: "'Trial in San Francisco... -a romantic novel in 35 pictures'??!!!"Fictional Maya: "Ooh, wanna see, wanna see!"Phoenix: ...I still call that backstabbing, by the way.Edgeworth: So let me guess: Next thing he told you how--Fictional Larry: "There's only ONE copy, you see, I haven't found a publisher yet."Edgeworth: ...and how he would--Fictional Larry: "...just have to let you guys battle it out, I guess."Edgeworth: ...with a silly grin on his face?Phoenix: Yeah, that's about it. Larry: Alright, everyone! Break's over! Time for the final round! And this time, you all get to spork as your usual, boring old selves! Ready? GO! *resumes fic*Franziska: Finally!

Quote:

Dia Duit Everyone! This is the third chapter of Ace Attorney Randomness and I hope it's random. I do not own Ace Attorney or which I used to generate a plot line. The link is /articles/process/writing_prompt_. I used the three objects generator and got: A roll of toilet paper, a train, and an unwanted phone call. WEIRD, WRIGHT-I MEAN RIGHT?

P.S. sorry for all of the typos in my last chapter. I hate proofreading.

Apollo: Oh, boo-hoo. Well we all have to do things we don't like, whatever-the-authors-name-is!Franziska: Hmph. A pathetic attempt of an apology if ever there was one. Though to the author's defence, I wouldn't want to read this mess a second time either if I could help it.

Quote:

Edgeworth shut the door behind him as he walked into his rather pink office.

Edgeworth: The joke is getting quite old by now.

Quote:

He immediately noticed something odd, being the observant man he is, and approached his desk where this odd thing was. He picked it up.

Maya: His desk?Trucy: What IS this "thing"?Edgeworth: Apparently, it's misshapen beyond recognition, for some reason.

Quote:

It was a roll of toilet paper.

Phoenix: You couldn't even identify a roll of toilet paper?

Quote:

There didn't seem to be anything odd about it. It was just an ordinary roll of toilet paper that was sitting on his desk. There had to be a reason why a roll of toilet paper was sitting on his desk though.

Ema: This is lame! Why would anyone leave toilet paper on Mr. Edgeworth's desk?Phoenix: Yeeeah, I would probably not check under the desk if I were you. Eew!Edgeworth: Can it, Wright!

Quote:

Edgeworth began unraveling the roll of toilet paper looking to see if it contained some kind of clue.He gasped. On a sheet of toilet paper was a drawing.

Phoenix: ...and another one! And yet another one! Edgeworth marvelled at the wonders of printed toilet paper.Gumshoe: Heh heh, that's okay, pal. I love that stuff, too. It looks all expensive and luxury and all, doesn't it? *rattle rattle rattle*

Quote:

A drawing of what you may ask? It was a drawing of a shell. "Shelly de Killer…." He muttered. Was de Killer at it again?

Edgeworth: No, I'm sure that roll of 'signed' toilet paper randomly appeared on my desk all by itself.

Quote:

Who would his next victim be?Edgeworth reached for the phone and called Criminal Affairs. It rang a few times before going into voicemail. "This is the number of The Criminal Affairs Department, unfortunately no one is able to answer at this time-"

Franziska: If they ever dared to put me on voicemail, there would be a lot of salary cutting going around, I assure you.Apollo: Don't you mean whipping?Phoenix: That too.

Quote:

Edgeworth hung up the phone, exited the office, and began walking towards the parking garage.Upon arriving at the parking garage, Edgeworth discovered that his car was stolen. "AAARGGHHH!" shouted Edgeworth in anguish. He made a mental note to tell Gumshoe about this.

Phoenix: Yes, I'm sure he'll be excited to hear exactly how you shouted "AAARGGHHH!" the other day.Gumshoe: Now that's just ridiculous, pal! Mr. Edgeworth never loses his temper like that. Right, Mr. Edgeworth?Edgeworth: Not a word, Wright!

Quote:

After walking for half an hour, Edgeworth finally arrived at the Criminal Affairs Department. He walked over to the desk at the far end of the room where the Chief of Police sat. "Hello Prosecutor Edgeworth," he said, "What can I do for you?""I'd like to speak to Detective Gumshoe if it's not to big of a hassle." Said Edgeworth. The Chief of Police pressed a button on a microphone and spoke into it. "Gumshoe! Up front, now! Prosecutor Edgeworth would like to talk to you."

A minute or two later Detective Gumshoe rushed through a door and ran up to Edgeworth. "Yes….sir?" he panted. Edgeworth handed Gumshoe the partially unraveled roll of toilet paper

Maya: Not even so much as a greeting? That's just cold!Gumshoe: No, I don't mind, pal. Mr. Edgeworth is a busy man, you know.

Quote:

and explained what had happened to him, including his car being stolen. Gumshoe stared at the picture of the shell that was drawn on the toilet paper in black highlighter. "Well Pal, I'll see what I can do about the car, but I'm not sure what to do about this whole, Shelly de Killer thing. I guess I'll tell all of the homicide detectives and police officers to look out for anything.""Look out for what?" asked another homicide detective that had been walking by. "Oh, you see, Prosecutor Edgeworth found this in his office." Said Detective Gumshoe, showing her the roll of toilet paper.

Franziska: You all need to be more explicit! For all that detective knows, she might just run off to arrest the Charmin Bear!

Quote:

"That's weird… wait a second. I think I saw this drawn in the sand a few hours ago when I was over in Randsburg."Forty-five minutes later, Edgeworth was on a train heading towards the nearly deserted town of Randsburg. He had been sitting next to a quite bizarre man wearing a set of purple robes adorned with stars.

He was raving about some madness called Pigfarts. "-I mean my school is much better than Durmstrang! All they care about is the dark arts. Well at my school, we teach Herbology-" Edgeworth cut him off. "Um, don't you mean to say botany?" The man looked at him, obviously confused, then seemed to realize something. "Oh, must be a muggle thing." He said. "Excuse me," said Edgeworth. "A mug-"

Edgeworth: I'm actually familiar with the franchise that far, thank you very much.

Quote:

The strange man suddenly got up from his seat an ran off.A half-hour passed. It was now 5: 57 P.M. Edgeworth decided to entertain himself by using his customized purple D.S.

Edgeworth: Yes, I keep that right next to my costumized Wii and I-Phone.Maya: You have a Wii? *is amazed*Edgeworth: No.Maya: Oh... *looks disappointed*

Quote:

He started playing the game Best of Tests DS.Question #1

Phoenix: Wait... Gumshoe: Oh, I get it! It's a quiz round!

Quote:

Complete the sequence:25,27,29,31,_

Gumshoe: Where's my buzzer? I'm so excite--

Quote:

"What kind of childish question is this? 33."CORRECT

Gumshoe: Aw...

Quote:

Question #2Among the following word, find the word that means the opposite of the word shown. For; against, false, small, him.

Gumshoe: Ooh, I got i--

Quote:

"Well obviously it's against"CORRECT

Gumshoe: Aw. You're just too quick for me, Mr. Edgeworth.Maya: *whispers in Phoenix' direction* He knows it's still just a fic, right?

Quote:

"HAHA, I am awesome! This game is incredibly easy!"

Franziska: If it does anything for your ego, I'll buy you as many preschool games as you wish. Then, you can leave all that hard prosecuting to the adults.Edgeworth: How kind of you. But I'll have to decline.

Quote:

Question #3How many surfaces are there on these solids?"Well of course the answer is thirteen!'INCORRECT"NNNNOOOOOOO!"

Franziska: Well, maybe preschool would be a tad too high for you, after all.

Quote:

Twenty minutes later, Edgeworth was reading the Ultimate Book of Top 10 lists written by Jamie Frater or better known on as JFrater. "Top 10 Unsolved Mysteries." said Edgeworth to himself, "Number 9, The Zodiac Killer. The Zodiac Killer was a serial killer who was active in Northern California for ten months in the late 1960's- WHOA! The Voynich Manuscript is number 7!" This continued for several more minutes.

Edgeworth: And now, I am apparently training my impressive reading skills. I wonder if I'm advanced enough to know how to pronounce 'Voynich' and 'Zodiac'.Franziska: Now now, you know little children shouldn't read about serial killers.

Quote:

Finally after a two and a half hour long train ride, Edgeworth arrived in Randsburg. He squinted in the bright sunlight as he pulled a piece of paper out of his purple suit.

Edgeworth: Again with the purple!

Quote:

It was a sketch of the area that showed where the drawing in the sand was.After getting lost three times, tripping twice, and rammed by a goat

Edgeworth: Seriously, at which point was I turned into a five-year old?Apollo: Probably back on the train, by that guy in the robes.Trucy: I wonder... it would kinda make sense, what with him running away all of a sudden, you know.

Quote:

and getting yelled out by someone who was shouting some kind of foreign language that he didn't understand (Mengapa anda mantle ungu!)

Phoenix: Oh no, you got stranded in Comic Reliefia!Maya: I think he wants to hang up your mantle for you. Maybe he's a waiter or something?Apollo: Well, he won't be getting any tip anytime soon, shouting at people like that.

Quote:

he was kind of getting ticked off. He was trying to get out of the pond that he had just fallen into in the middle of a small forest. He grabbed a near by log and pulled himself up onto the ground. Another 45 minutes later with much backtracking, he finally emerged from the forest.Fifteen minutes later, he found himself in a rather desert like area.

Apollo: Well, that was pointless.Edgeworth: At least the author spared us the further shenanigans I got myself into on my way.

Quote:

Some abandoned buildings could be seen in the distance. Edgeworth began walking in the direction of these buildings when he saw it. De Killer's logo; the shell. It was on all of his calling cards.

Edgeworth: So now after all this time, the author chose to enlighten the reader about this little detail.

Quote:

The calling cards he sent that signaled that he had been sent to kill someone.Edgeworth took out a digital camera and began taking pictures from several different angles.

Franziska: This is hardly the time for sightseeing. Get somebody over there already!

Quote:

Then, he took swabs with Q-tips; maybe forensics would find something.

Edgeworth was about to leave when he noticed a faint red spot on the ground.He took out a bottle of luminal that he just happened to have.

Ema: What? One does not "just happen to have" a bottle of luminol! That stuff's expensive!Apollo: Uh, Ema? That's a bottle of Luminal.Ema: Well, Luminal is COMPLETELY different from Luminol!

Quote:

On it were the words "Happy Birthday, Prosecutor Edgeworth Luv, Ema" were written in sharpie.

Ema: *blushes* Oh... but... but why would I do that? I could hardly even afford that. What would he do with it, anyway?Phoenix: Carry it around in the desert, apparently.Franziska: And "were" appears twice. Foolish fools.

Quote:

He sprayed the area a few times and seconds later it was bright blue. It was a half written message in blood."SHELLY DE K"

Phoenix: So somebody went through all the time and effort to wash the sand, instead of, say, just rearrange it, which would have taken less than a minute?

Quote:

It must have been written by one of de Killer's victims, who must not have had time to write out his murderer's last name, or at least the last name of the strange alias that the assassin went by.

Edgeworth: But it sure was nice of the killer to stand back and wait until the victim was about finished writing the message before he washed it off.

Edgeworth: So not only am I a five year old, but I'm also suffering from a severe lack of taste.Maya: It sounds kinda cute, actually. NYAN-NYAN-NYAN... Phoenix: Somebody give her another candy bar, PLEASE!!

Quote:

Edgeworth picked up his phone."Hello""…..hAvE yOU EVer heARD oF wOOd GoBLinS?"

Maya: *chewing on a fresh candy bar* You got the wrong line. It's 'wHaT's YoUr FaVoRiTe HoRrOr MoViE'. Amateur!Phoenix: You know you're not supposed to watch that kind of movie, Maya.Maya: *still chewing* It was only the commercial, Nick. Relaxe!

Quote:

"Wha- AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"Several wood goblins rushed out from behind some nearby bushes and began chasing after Edgeworth.

Apollo: Bushes in the desert?Edgeworth: And you have no problem whatsoever with wood goblins in the desert?Apollo: Point taken.

Are you wondering what a wood Goblin is? Here are some links./2010/10/podcast-the-unicorn-deception/(The link above is a link to a podcast)/2010/10/it-has-begun-yetis-fighting-war-with-bears-in-russia//2011/05/putin-does-not-deny-the-existence-of-wood-goblins-yetis/

Edgeworth: Why, thank you. What would I have done without this most valuable information? Apollo: Why does the author keep putting in half-URLs!?Phoenix: We don't actually have to check out all those links, do we? Can we just-- Oh, wait, does this mean it's over?

[The lights in the theater go on and another jingle starts playing.]

Larry: Yes, sadly, this is the end of our WONDERFUL SPORKING THEATER SHOW! Wasn't it great, you guys?Edgeworth: *glares at him*Franziska: *ignores him completely*Apollo: *is clearly holding a grudge*Klavier: No....Maya: So, who's the winner?Gumshoe: Yeah, pal! Don't keep us waiting!Larry: Oh yeah, I almost forgot. Our GREATEST BESTEST MOST AWESOMEST--Edgeworth: Just spit it out already!Maya: It's me, right? I contributed the most and was really funny, and I'm also very cute! Phoenix: Don't say anything you might regret later on, Maya.Larry: Weeeell... you did entertain the audience, I think, and you are cute, buuuut then you interrupted the second round and blurted out Nick's identity just like that, so I'm not really sure... what does my lovely assistent say?Kay: *instinctively rubbing her bandaged hand* I say disqualified! She didn't play nice.Maya: *puffs cheeks* You didn't play nice!Larry: Yeeeah, well, it's a really tough choice alright... ah, but don't worry! Because I'm such a generous host and you were all trying, I've got some great news for you! You can ALL have a copy of my glorious masterpiece! I payed for the first 50 copies myself! Phoenix: You WHAT?!!Edgeworth: Laaaaarrryyyy!!!!!!Apollo: Oh boy.Franziska: *strains her whip* Come over here so I can show my appreciation! *whipcrack*Larry: WAAAGH! H-Hey, Franzy... just wait a minute till you see this-- *whipcrack* G-AAAARGH!Apollo: *leafs through Larry's "masterpiece"* The whip lady and that crazy guy...KISSING!?Franziska: You too! *whips Apollo*Apollo: What was that for!?

[While Franziska is busy whipping the two of them, the other sporkers slowly leave the theater. Maya sneakily grabs a copy of Trial In San Francisco off Larry's podium as she leaves.]

Maya: You know what, all this talk about musicals really got me thinking. Don't you think it would be so cool to have our own musical? Ooh, I bet I'd be played by a really pretty actress! Although... somehow I got a feeling that you would totally outstage me, Nick. Phoenix: Me? Outstage YOU? I don't think that's even possible.

[Thus they leave the theater, with Larry's screams fading behind them.]*This show was brought to you by CORNY BITS! A bit less? A bit more! Now available in three different flavors!

I honestly don't know whether it was ingenious or not the best idea for the format behind this sporking. The fic itself is already very random and nonsensical (certainly not to the level of "Phoenix's Turnabout", but it's up there). To add to the randomness by having the sporkers be anonymous at first does kinda fit, but at the same time, I felt like it was difficult to follow.

Not to say I didn't like it, mind you. It was quite funny (especially the commentary on Edgeworth's random age regression), and I liked the fact that you two were trying something new with the format. However, like I said before, it was a bit difficult to follow, both because of the anonymous guests for the first two chapters, and the fact that the cast for this sporking was so large. It definitely felt like a case of too many cooks spoiling the broth, if you get my meaning.

So, in conclusion, randomness can be fun, but for a fic this random, the sporking needs at least a dose of sanity to make it coherent. At least, that's what I think. For what it's worth, I did enjoy the commentary, and as I've stated, I applaud you two for taking a risk and trying something new with the format for sporkings. For that, I give you top marks.

Whoah! Just now realized that we moved to a new location. (So that's why I didn't see any updates in the thread...)

For those of you who don't recognize me (or forgot I existed, heh), I participated in the old sporking thread, and have one sporking to my name.

Whelp, off to find bad fanfiction to spork! And actually read the new thread.

Hey, welcome back. I don't have an account on the back-up forms, but I kept up with the thread.

Spoiler: little_thief's reply

little_thief wrote:

I honestly don't know whether it was ingenious or not the best idea for the format behind this sporking. The fic itself is already very random and nonsensical (certainly not to the level of "Phoenix's Turnabout", but it's up there). To add to the randomness by having the sporkers be anonymous at first does kinda fit, but at the same time, I felt like it was difficult to follow.

Not to say I didn't like it, mind you. It was quite funny (especially the commentary on Edgeworth's random age regression), and I liked the fact that you two were trying something new with the format. However, like I said before, it was a bit difficult to follow, both because of the anonymous guests for the first two chapters, and the fact that the cast for this sporking was so large. It definitely felt like a case of too many cooks spoiling the broth, if you get my meaning.

So, in conclusion, randomness can be fun, but for a fic this random, the sporking needs at least a dose of sanity to make it coherent. At least, that's what I think. For what it's worth, I did enjoy the commentary, and as I've stated, I applaud you two for taking a risk and trying something new with the format for sporkings. For that, I give you top marks.

I couldn't have said this better myself. Good job you two!

~Credit to Jiaya on DeviantArt for the avatar!~Charley vs. Zombies? Heck Yes!

This is a bad one, folks. The author has no idea how grammar, storytelling, logic, or the Phoenix Wright world work. It's rife with errors of all sorts, and the plot makes no sense. I would've rated it lower, but the author's botched attempt at a twist ending is just an insult to my intelligence.

And yet, it's still not as bad as Phoenix's Turnabout. Go figure.

Let's meet the sporkers!

Phoenix Wright This will not end well.

Maya Fey Don't worry, Nick! I'll be with you every step of the way! Um, just as long as there's no porn.

Miles Edgeworth I don't know why I get indignant about this sort of thing anymore.

And Franziska von Karma NO! I WILL NOT GO THROUGH THIS HELL AGAIN! LET ME GO, YOU FOOLISHLY FOOLISH FOOLS!

*Our story begins as it usually does, in the Sporking Theater. Franziska is making a ruckus as she's being dragged by the FBI agents to her seat, where our usual sporkers are waiting*

Franziska: No! I refuse! I will press charges for this!

Edgeworth: Franziska, I've already tried that. It doesn't work.

FBI Agent: Look, lady. We won't handcuff you this time. Just, try not to destroy the screen. For your own sake.

Franziska: *becoming puzzled* What do you mean by that?

FBI Agent: Just what I said, ma'am. Enjoy!

*runs out and locks the door*

Phoenix: Enjoy. HA! That's a laugh. I mean, when's the last time we actually enjoyed one of these things?

Maya: I dunno. Sometimes the sporking was kinda fun.

Phoenix: That wasn't "fun" Maya. That was us keeping our sanity.

Maya: *sulks* I still think it was fun...

Franziska: *clutching at her shoulder* Let's get this over with as quickly as possible.

*The fic begins*

Quote:

Phoenix White: Justifications of Justice!

Phoenix: Right off the bat, the author can't get my name right. That's quality right there.

Maya: Huh. Something about that last name seems awfully familiar...

Edgeworth: The feeling is mutual, Ms. Fey. Let us pray that it is merely the author's incompetence.

Quote:

Phoenix Wright is also known as Phoenix White, but he ended up in a lot of trouble and falls with April May and Mia, so he must fight so he doesn't hold a contradictory verdict.

Phoenix: Wait, so I'm both Phoenix Wright and Phoenix White? How can that be?

Franziska: This description makes no sense. I don't even know where to begin.

Edgeworth: Keep in mind we haven't even gotten to the actual story yet.

Franziska: So many errors this early?! The fool must be punished! *Screen-whip, followed by an electric shock from Franziska's seat* OW! What the-?!

Speakers: The Management would like to take this time to tell sporkers that destruction of the screen is strictly prohibited. Violators of this policy will receive a mild electric shock.

Franziska: *sputters angrily*

Maya: Must be the new precautions the guys were talking about when we first came back here.

Edgeworth: Please, Ms. Fey. Do not speculate any more about that. I have a feeling about what's coming, and I am hoping against hope that I am wrong.

Phoenix: This might sound cliché, but I've got a bad feeling about this.

Quote:

Phoenix White trembled in fear fearfully as he standed in both the defendant's stand and sat on the defense attorney's bench (what else would you do on a bench) at the same time. He had to defend himself once again, for once again, for his mentor Mia Fey had been murdered once more, and once more, he had been suspected thanks to Mr. White once again.

Maya: Whoa whoa, wait! My sister came back to life and died again?! How?! Why?!

Franziska: Your redundancies are unwelcome. *Screen-whip, ZAP* OW!

Edgeworth: Also, it's stood, not standed.

Quote:

How did it all happened...?

All: THAT'S WHAT WE WANT TO KNOW!

Quote:

Phoenix Wright was looking at his e-mails on the computer when the mailman slided a letter through the throrough mailbox slot in an electronic manner (robotic mailmen are possible in the future). He picked it up and redd it.

Phoenix: So am I Phoenix Wright or Phoenix White? Make up your mind, author!

Edgeworth: I'm personally curious about the need to insert robotic mailmen into the narrative. They serve no purpose other than to say "it's the future", but our technology is not that far beyond the modern era.

Phoenix: Well, unless you count stuff like the MASON System and Little Thief.

Speakers: The Management would like to remind Mr. Phoenix Wright that breaking the Fourth Wall is strictly prohibited.

Franziska: Wait, how come he doesn't get shocked?!

Speakers: ...

Franziska: *grumble mutter*

Maya: Am I the only one getting an ominous vibe from how the author misspelled "read"?

Edgeworth: No, you are not, Ms. Fey.

Maya: *gulp*

Quote:

"I'M IN YOUR HOUSE," the letter read evilly, "YOU JUST HAVE TO LET ME IN."

Phoenix: So, is the letter speaking to me, or am I reading it evilly just for my own amusement?

Edgeworth: I'm confused as to why this had to be a letter. An e-mail or a phone call would've made more sense.

Quote:

At that momentous, the door opened and it was...APRIL MAY!

Phoenix and Maya: *jaws drop*

Edgeworth: *head in his hands* I knew it! I knew this would happen! Of all the time I had to be right about something, why did it have to be this time?!

Phoenix: You mean you knew this would turn out to be some crazy AU fic where I'm somehow related to the scumbag Redd White?!

Edgeworth: It was merely an inference. And oh, how I wish I was wrong.

Franziska: Misuse of ellipses! *Screen-Whip, ZAP* OW!

Quote:

"What are you doing here, April?" Phoenix gasped with air. "I thought you were in the big house in jail for hacking a website through Maya's phone!"

Phoenix: No, she was in jail for wiretapping. But thanks for trying.

Edgeworth: Also, the Big House is a colloquialism for jail. There's no big house in jail. And how does someone gasp with air?

Phoenix: Edgeworth, if you pick out every little detail, we're going to be here all day.

Quote:

"On the day of my release, I breaked out just for you big brother!" April May pounced and sunk her cat claws into Phoenix's chest like a brother.

Edgeworth: If you were just released, why did you feel the need to break out? Also, it's broke, not breaked.

Phoenix: And isn't my last name White in this story? How am I related to April May?

Quote:

"What do you mean if you meant that?" Phoenix debated. "I thought you hated me, we're not family!"

"Oh yes we are," April made, "we used to be Mr. White, the president of BlueCorp's pets. We were a cat and a bird, and you were my big brother, best friend forever! LIKE A CATS AND A MOUSE WE DID EVERYTHING TOGETHER TILL YOU DIED. That's enough to make me forget the hate. But through the power of future science, we became human!"

Maya: Wait, so did you shout the epic no, or did you write it on a piece of paper? And if you wrote it on a piece of paper, why?

Edgeworth: And it's wrote, not writed! Does this author have no grasp of using the past tense?

Phoenix: I think that's the least of this author's problems.

Quote:

"Because you have a bird brain, silly." April flirted like a straw. "The reason I remember this is because...I just...REMEMBER YOU KNOW! But that's not important, since Mr. White is dedd like the color read now, there is no one to run BlueCorp! White didn't have any children or friends or co-workers or strangers, so he left everything to his pets. You must take over BlueCorp Phoenix! It is your destiny!"

Phoenix: How does one flirt like a straw? Oh, and Ms. May? You can take your destiny and shove it where the sun doesn't shine. I'm not working for the man who murdered my mentor.

Franziska: More misuse of ellipses, and more spelling errors! Have you no shame?! *Screen-whip, ZAP* OW!

Edgeworth: What I'm confused about is why would anyone put strangers in their will?

Quote:

Phoenix agreed, for he couldn't argue destiny, the same way he was destined to defend his clients, so he left a suspicious message to Maya asking her to buy miak so she wouldn't get suspicious. He renamed BlueCorp WhiteCorp, because his true last name was now White, and he didn't use blueish blackmail to ruler over the authorities, he used whitemail. That meant he bribed them with money, cars, and doggie treats. He didn't have to be a lawyer anymore, because he was rich now and the law was changed to "innocent until proven guilty", which meant that everyone was now innocent. Authorities didn't have to arrested people anymore because they were already innocent before trial started, so they couldn't be proven guilty. Everything was going great, until MAYA RETURNED HOME FROM THE STORE. Phoenix thanked her, and then sent her out to buy milk from Japan, a long walk away from California. Because Maya was too preoccupied thinking about burgers, she agreed.

Phoenix: Maya, I don't even know what's going on! I use something called "whitemail" to change the law so that everyone is innocent?! What the heck?!

Edgeworth: For the record, the concept of "innocent until proven guilty" does exist, and it doesn't mean everyone is innocent. This author clearly has no concept of how the legal system works.

Quote:

Miawhile, Phoenix was planning to use the miak (SEE IT WASN'T A TYPO, HA HA FAT CHANCE) for something evil...He was going to use it to bring Mia Fey back to life with science! But when Mia came back to life, she tripped over desk and fell out the window and onto a fire hydrant, and was run over by an ambulance, and PHOENIX WAS RESPONSIBLE. He tried to say that he was innocent until proven guilty, but the fact that someone was died proved that he was guilty like a fishy bird.

Edgeworth: Author, you can't brag that something isn't a typo when it clearly is.

Phoenix: Okay, when the heck did I become a mad scientist? And why did I bring Mia back to life just to kill her again? I-I can't justify this. Maya, feel free to hate me.

Maya: *looking hurt* Nick, I...

Phoenix: *sighs* I'm sorry, Maya. This nonsense is really starting to get to me.

Franziska: It's getting to all of us, Mr. Phoenix Wright. *flexes her whip*

Quote:

So that is what happens...NOW RESUMING COURT.

Edgeworth: You know, it would've been helpful to put that at the beginning of the story instead of making us sit through the meaningless flashback. Just a thought.

Phoenix: Right, because it would've made so much more sense if it was in order.

Edgeworth: Nnnnngh.

Quote:

Because of the amount of evil evilled in Phoenix's evil crime of neglected stupidity, three prosecutors were resigned to the assignment of the case, Winston Payne, Miles Edgeworth, and Franziska von Karma, all sitting on the prosecutor's bench.

Phoenix: Three prosecutors at once? Ouch.

Franziska: Evilled is not a word! And even if it was, that sentence would still be redundant! *Screen-whip, ZAP* OW! *swears in German*

Edgeworth: I guess the "neglected stupidity" comes from you bringing someone back to life just to kill them.

Phoenix: I think you're right on that.

Quote:

"COURT IS NOW IN THE RECESSION WHICH IS LIKE RECESS BUT RECESS IS OVER, SO COURT IS IN SESSION!" the judge proclaimed.

Phoenix: ...

Edgeworth: ...

Maya: I got nothing.

Quote:

"THE PROSECUTION IS READY AND REQUESTS NOT TO BE BADGERED BY PHOENIX BECAUSE HE IS GUILTY AND THE PROSECUTION IS NOT AND THE GUILTY DON'T HAVE A WRITE TO OBJECT ESPECIALLY IF THEY ARE ABLE TO BE GUILTY ENOUGH TO BE GUILTY EVEN UNDER THE INNOCENT UNTIL PROVEN GUILTY LAW!" the prosecution apertured.

Phoenix: WHY IS EVERYONE SHOUTING?

Maya: I DON'T KNOW!

Franziska: THIS MAKES NO SENSE! *Screen-whip, ZAP* OW!

Quote:

"HOLD THE OBJECTION! IT HOLDS!" Phoenix held the power in his finger. "Judge, this explanation doesn't obey the laws of physics and it's kinda illogical!"

Phoenix: Hey, Fic-Me. Pot called, kettle says you're black.

Quote:

"The court does not concern itself with gravity Phoenix unless it holds water!" the Judge said lofty. "The prosecution's logic is odd, but it's scientific, and scientific is always logic, so it's sort of correct! YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE ANY MORE OBJECTIONS UNTIL THE END OF-OWWWW!"

Edgeworth: Your Honor, what exactly are you trying to say here? I really wish to know.

Quote:

"DO NOT SPEAK THE TRUTH PRUDENT PRUDE OF WISE DECISIONS!" Franziska said as she whipped the judge. "IT IS REDUNDANT, FOR THE TRUTH IS ALREADY IN THE OPEN AIR, AND IT'S FLOATING OVER PHOENIX'S FACE!"

Franziska: Stick to being a prosecutor, Miles Edgeworth. You are not a good comedian.

Maya: Neither is this author.

Quote:

"They were in prison my honor's your honor." Edgeworth venerated. "But they are all witnesses who knew about the crime and even thought they don't know the exact details of the crime, their imagination is strong enough for them to envision EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED ON THE SCENE EVEN THOUGH THEY DIDN'T SEE IT."

Edgeworth: So, they didn't actually see the crime, but they can envision it through their imagination, and thus they are credible. And I thought using hypnosis in court was flimsy.

Phoenix: We haven't had any cases like that, have we?

Edgeworth: Not to my knowledge, no. But hypnotic suggestion has been used in the courtroom before to strengthen eyewitness testimony. It has been known to be untrustworthy, though.

Phoenix: Hey, that's interesting to know.

Maya: And knowing is half the battle! G.I. JOE! *salutes*

Edgeworth: *exasperated groan*

Maya: What?

Quote:

"What is this, Aesop's Fables?" Phoenix commentaryed in his thoughts.

Phoenix: No, this is a bad fanfic. An Aesop's Fable makes sense.

Quote:

"But wait, how are they out of prison?" the judge asked.

"With the growing power of the authorities, the prosecution had enough authority to give shovels, drills, saws, spoons, and doggie treats to the convicts so they could break out of prison." Edgeworth explained.

"Wow, you prosecutors are nice." the judge admired. "You even give treats to the most unforgivable of people."

Edgeworth: Or, you know, we could've just issued a subpoena.

Phoenix: No, Edgeworth. A subpoena would've made sense. You had to illegally break them out and give them doggie treats.

"FOOLISH DOCTOR WHO HAS A HOUSE AS FOOLISHLY HEAVY AS A PAINFUL BROMANCE WITH NURSES AND MOTHERLY MEDICS FOOLISH AS SWEET HOME." Franziska spouted out some blackly funny black comedy. "We don't know need to call witnesses to the stand, it is a redundant method most redundant, for I have made things simpler by CALLING THEM ON THE PHONE BEFORE CALLING THEM. Rich Wellington, come!"

Franziska: ...

Edgeworth: *placing a hand on her shoulder* Franziska, calm down. It's just a bad fanfiction.

Franziska: I am calm, Miles Edgeworth. *flexes her whip taut*

Phoenix: Poor Ms. von Karma. She looks like she's ready to crack.

Quote:

"My name is what the prosecutor just titled," Rich Wellington sucked down, "and I am the second greatest rated person in the world next to Johann Sebastian Bach, meaning I am a second-rate rich kid compared to you first-rate foals. Now as for the testimony-YYYYY!"

Rich Wellington choked himself to death with his teas until he was dead, and fell over and died.Everyone gasped for air.

Phoenix: Um, what was the point of that? Was that just to make fun of Richard Wellington's breakdown animation?

Speakers: The Management would like to remind Mr. Phoenix Wright that breaking the Fourth Wall is strictly prohibited.

Quote:

"HE'S DEAD AND NO ONE KNOWS WHY, SO SOMEONE EXPLAIN WHY!" the judge commanded.

Edgeworth: *facepalm* I'm sorry, but the Judge is not this stupid. He just isn't.

Quote:

"We don't know, but the show must go on!" Edgeworth proclaimed as he knew all about movies, stages, plays, ballets, and the courtroom. "Our next witness, Moe the Clone, whose clone (think science!) can only be seen here, for the real one was put in prison again after his release for disturbing the peace!"

Franziska: I remember Mr. Lawrence Curls being quite grating, but I do not remember pressing charges against him for disturbing the peace.

Maya: I have a feeling that this author doesn't like us.

Quote:

Moe the Clone came on the stage.

"I AM MOE THE CLOWN," Moe pressed his buttons, "AND I OWN A TAVERN! AHA AHA AHA! GET IT, IT'S FUNNY BECAUSE IT'S A SIMPSONS REFEREE AND I HEAR THAT SHOW IS REALLY FUNNY SO I'M FUNNY!"

All: ...

Phoenix: Yeah, I think this parody of Moe is less funny than Moe himself.

Maya: Agreed.

Quote:

"It seems this witness makes unfunny jokes whenever his buttons are pressed," Franziska pushed her weight, "SO IF YOU PRESS HIM MR. PHOENIX WHITE, HE COULDN'T HELP IT, IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT! (I SHIT YOU NOT, THIS IS THE REASONING THEY USE IN THE GAME).

Phoenix: You say that as if you wanted that part to be completely realistic. It's called "suspension of disbelief", author. Look it up.

Edgeworth: And of all of the unrealistic phenomena that has happened to us, why does he/she latch onto this one?

Quote:

"FAULTS ARE FUNNY, ESPECIALLY IF THEY'RE IN ROADS AND PEOPLE!" Moe punned horribly as he made a terrible pun about big turncoat t-shirts. He then laughed until he died.

Phoenix: Once again, what was the point of that?

Quote:

"THESE ARE SOME OF THE WORST TESTIMONIES I'VE EVER TESTIFIED TO MY EARS, BECAUSE THEY DON'T EXIST, WHAT IS HAPPENING?" the judge demanded an answer.

Edgeworth: We're just as clueless as you are, Your Honor.

Quote:

"We are not in the zenith of knowing, but we must continue even to nadir!" Edgeworth reasoned. "Proceed to the final witness, Matt Engarde!"

Phoenix: If he tears his own face off and kills himself, I'm walking out.

Maya: I thought we weren't allowed to leave, Nick.

Phoenix: Oh, I'll find a way.

Quote:

"ON GUARD!" Matt banzaied like a cat (YOU'RE IN THE FURNACE!) with his aluminum sword made of nickel. "I-"

Just as he began the testimony, he accidently swung the sword into his head, severing into a part of his face, leaving a huge cut, and killing him as nickels flew out of the peeled graping cut.

Edgeworth: Well, at least he didn't tear his own face off.

Maya: Yeah. Instead, he died and turned into coins. What is this, Scott Pilgrim vs. the World?

Franziska: Is anyone else noticing the not-so-subtle hints the author keeps inserting into the story?

Phoenix: Yeah, now that you mention it. And honestly, I don't really know why. It's not like the author said, "Try to figure out what's going on before the story ends!" at any point.

Edgeworth: And also, the hints lose all their meaning when the author keeps pointing them out. Even if he/she didn't, they are very forced. We know it has something to do with mice.

Maya: Maybe the author thinks we're stupid.

Phoenix: Hey, be nice.

Maya: Oh, don't tell me you weren't thinking the same thing, Nick.

Phoenix: No, I think that the author hates his/her audience and takes joy in insulting their intelligence. There's a difference.

Edgeworth: I'm willing to entertain both theories at this point.

Quote:

"I IS INDEED," the judge willed. "I DON'T SEE AN I THAT CAN BE SEEN BY AN ALL KNOWING EYE IN THIS LACK OF EYE-OPENING TESTIMONY! NOW THERE ARE NO WITNESSES LEFT! I SHALL HAVE TO POSTPONE THIS TRIAL UNTIL TOMORR-"

Edgeworth: Okay, so let me get this straight. We called three witnesses to the stand who had nothing to do with the case, and they all killed themselves in ludicrous ways. Th-that right there just cost me half of my Truth Bar.

Maya: Hang in there, Mr. Edgeworth! We're in the homestretch!

Quote:

"HOLD IT!" DRUM DRUM DRUM drummed in everyone's ear drum as Franziska made music with her words.

Franziska: ...

Edgeworth: Franziska...

Franziska: If that foolish impostor taints my character any more, Miles Edgeworth, I want you to hold me back.

Edgeworth: I shall, against my better judgement.

Quote:

"THE PROSECUTION DOES NOT WANT TO INVESTIGATE FOR ANOTHER DAY BECAUSE IT'S BORING AND WE LIKE SHOUTING MORE, SO JUST IN CASE WE COULD NOT GATHER RELIABLE WITNESSES, THE PROSECUTION HAVE FORGED SOME PLAUSIBLE ALIBIS AND TRUE EVIDENCE STRAIGHT FROM THE PROSECUTION!" Franziska applauded herself.

Franziska: *swears in German and raises her whip*

Edgeworth: Franziska, no! *tries to hold her back, but ends up getting shocked along with her* Nnnnnnngouh!

Maya: Oof! That's gotta hurt.

Quote:

"Very well," the judge replied, "I'm not a big fan of forgeries, but if they're true and for justice, THEN EVERYTHING IS CORRECTION."

Edgeworth: *recovering* The Judge is neither stupid nor corrupt. To assume that he's both is idiocy.

Quote:

"First, the lullaby that will put the criminal to sleep in more ways than one," Franziska hushed. "PHOENIX WHITE HAS GROWN SO POWERFUL OVER A RULER OF THE AUTHORITIES THAT HE IS BECOME A DEITY. HE IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THE DEATH OF EVERY MORTAL BEING IN THE UNIVERSE ACCOUNTED, EVEN THE ONES WHO ARE IRRECOUNTABLE. HE BROUGHT MIA FEY BACK TO LIFE BECAUSE HE LOVED HER AND HE WAS THE ONLY ONE WHO KNEW SHE WAS ALIVE, THEREFORE, HE'S THE ONLY ONE WHO HAD A MOTIVE TO KILL HER, THE DEMONIC DEMON."

Maya: Wow, no wonder you didn't want me around, Nick! It turns out you were an evil god all along!

Phoenix: *groans*

Quote:

"What reasoning is that, you try being the deity of the world!" Phoenix DeifyfienFeenPhoened.

Phoenix: Yeah, Ms. von Karma! You try becoming a deity randomly and using your power to change the world into something it already is! *CRACK* OW!

Franziska: It seems that I can still whip you with impunity, Mr. Phoenix Wright.

"I do..." Franziska got out a scrap of paper with the words "PROOF THE DEFENDANT KNOWN AS PHOENIX WHITE IS GUILTY" (It worked with griffins and chimaeras faces in books, and this pun is a draconequestria of a lot of different things) written on it and presented it to the court. "Here is the finishing blow, you broken combination!"

Phoenix: Supernatural evidence, Ms. von Karma? Really?

Franziska: Nothing else in this foolish tale makes any sense, why should this?

Phoenix: Touché.

Quote:

"Hmm..." the judge thought decisively. "THIS PROOF HAS PROOF WRITTEN ALL OVER THE PAPER AND IN THE PUDDING. I THINK THIS IS ENOUGH TO MAKE MY VERDICT!"

"Neither innocent or guilty." Mia replied as she appeared and the landscape became clouded with clouds (YOU'RE CELESTIAL!).

Phoenix: Wait, Mia? What's she doing here? I thought I brought her back to life just to kill her because I'm an evil god.

Quote:

"Mia!" Phoenix shouted. "You're alive three times now! What happens, this did not make sense!"

Phoenix: Exactly my point, Fic-Me.

Quote:

"Phoenix, the courtroom never existed, because you are a mouse!" Mia surmised. "You were not Mr. White's pet bird, you were his pet mouse and you got killed by his pet cat April May! That is why we were all so catty and mousey, because you imagined us all!"

"HOLD IT!" Phoenix realized. "Then that must mean that we're in..."

"Heaven." Mia augusted. "The place where everyone has an overactive imagination because they get bored of being dead, the only place where you could've imagined that you were a bird and a defense attorney and a mythical creature!"

Phoenix: So, this whole thing was a dead mouse dreaming it was me because it got bored in heaven. Also, the author apparently hates my name.

Maya: *M. Night Shyamalan impression* What a twist!

Edgeworth: Or it would've been if the author didn't beat us over the head with the clues.

Franziska: Somehow, this makes more sense than everything that has led up to this point.

Quote:

THE END.

All: YAY!

Quote:

"NO! This can't be! I objection to this ending!" Phoenix objected. "The ending is never ended!"

All: NOOOO!

Quote:

Then it was all final.

Maya: And then Mia said, "No, Nick. You are the aliens!" And then Nick was a zombie.

*the lights come on*

Phoenix: Hallelujah. That was powerfully stupid.

Edgeworth: Indeed. I don't think we even touched on half of the nonsense that was permeated in this drivel.

Franziska: *trying to move, but aches all over* I am -ouch- never coming -ooh- to this theater again! -ahh-

Speakers: If you wish to improve your sporking experience, please feel free to use the suggestion box located in the lobby. Due to the vast amount of suggestions we get, however, we cannot use them all.

Maya: So, you won't use a suggestion like "show us a good fic next time" or anything like that.

Speakers: Exactly.

Maya: Phooey.

Edgeworth: It was worth a try. Come along, Franziska. Let's get you some proper medical treatment.

Starts off okay, but quickly goes downhill after the first investigation. Props for trying to incorporate the game transitions, and there is some thought put into the mystery itself. However, there are too many grammar mistakes and plot contrivances to count, and important plot elements just come out of nowhere. Also, because it's a shipping story, Franziska von Karma is grossly out of character, although everyone else seems to be at least reasonable (with the exception of Pearl, but semantics could be argued). Other than that, it's just your typical mystery that has a lot of potential, but the execution is terrible.

Edgeworth: Wipe that grin off your face, Wright. We haven't even started the fanfiction yet.

Quote:

Prologue

Kay: Case in point. Something tells me we're in for the long haul.

Quote:

"Croak Ribbit "

Edgeworth: Starting a story with an onomatopoeia could prove as a decent way to set the mood. Not so in this case.

Phoenix: I see what you mean. It looks more like someone is making frog noises randomly.

Maya: *singing* Kero kero kero~!

Phoenix: *stares blankly at Maya*

Maya: What? I can't play too?

Kay: Obscure reference for the win!

Quote:

"Hey lady," a man says. The woman smiles.

Edgeworth: I can think of a multitude of polite ways to introduce oneself to a stranger. This isn't one of them.

Kay: You need to get out more, Mr. Edgeworth. I think the guy is just hitting on her.

Quote:

"If you're trying to hit on me don't."

Kay: Called it!

Edgeworth: I'm impressed, Kay. I made the same deduction just as you said I needed to get out more.

Kay: *deadpan stare* Sure you did, Mr. Edgeworth.

Edgeworth: *ahem* Let's, just move on.

Quote:

"Now why would that make you irritated?"

Phoenix: I don't know, fella. If a random girl walked up to you and started hitting on you, wouldn't you be irritated? I know I would.

Quote:

"Non of you're business."

Edgeworth: Why why why why why do so many people confuse your with you're? It's so frustrating.

Kay: Maybe they realized that they missed the e in none and decided to put it in somewhere else.

Edgeworth: Th-that makes no sense.

Maya: It kinda does when you think about it. But then what about the apostrophe?

Kay: Well, that's obvious. "Youre" isn't a word, so they made it one so that there would be no spelling errors.

Maya: Huh. That's quite fascinating.

Edgeworth: *head in his hands* I'm surrounded by idiots.

Phoenix: I dunno, Edgeworth. They sounded pretty smart to me.

Edgeworth: Don't you start, Wright. Don't you dare start.

Quote:

"I think it is foreigner," he says coolly.

Everyone: *jaws drop*

Phoenix: Just to make sure, we're all following the same conversation here, right? Where did that come from?

Maya: You're asking me?

Edgeworth: My best guess is that the fellow knows something about the lady's love life. Perhaps it is something that she doesn't want anyone else to know. Though bringing it up out of the blue is very off-putting, since we know next to nothing about these characters.

Quote:

"!"

Kay: Oh no! They've been spotted! Quick, hide under a cardboard box!

Edgeworth: *groans*

Maya: You're such a fuddy duddy, Mr. Edgeworth.

Quote:

"Let's see rough day with the boy."

Edgeworth: I'm sorry, that statement makes no grammatical sense. I mean, I understand what he's saying. It's obvious he's pressing her on her affair, whatever it may be. But surely, there was a better way to express that.

Maya: Of course there was. Even I know that. And don't call me Butt-Shirley.

Oh, you guys saved my thread from over at the backup Forums! I am intriguied!!

Well, looks like I will have some sporkings to read and comment on soon~! I only skimmed over you guys' work so far, but it looks neat!! If you don't mind, I might start producing some of these again as well, when I have time. I have something in mind... After all, there are far too many bad Apollo Justice Fanfics and far too few of them have been sporked yet...

...Because I felt the need to advertise my fanfic with a self-drawn, animated banner. Yes, I'm obsessed, why do you ask?

Of course there was other associates like Judge Caitlyn Malikin and Prosecutor Connor Insogo.

Maya: Wait, who and who?

Phoenix: *smug grin* You were saying, Maya?

Edgeworth: Actually, I read ahead, and apparently these are the English names that the author chose to assign to Hakari Mikagami and Yumihiko Ichiyanagi, my antagonists from Ace Attorney Investigations 2.

Kay: Boy, he/she is gonna be really embarrassed if those aren't the localized names if and when the game is released outside of Japan.

Speakers: The Management would like to remind...

Kay: Excuse me for a minute. *disappears*

Phoenix: Part of me wants to ask where she's going, but another part of me doesn't want to know.

Maya: Ditto.

Quote:

Franziska and Connor and other prosecutor Klavier Gavin are currently the youngest members of the office but Franziska is one of the most experienced.

Edgeworth: Such awkward wording. Did the author not proofread this before posting it?

Phoenix: I'm gonna say no, but really, that could be said for a lot of the stories we see here.

Quote:

Connor is more or less a crybaby and Klavier is a hothead.

Maya: That's, a bit harsh, Mr. Edgeworth.

Edgeworth: I'd comment, but I figure I should try and make an effort not to ruin it for those who don't want spoilers.

Speakers: ...

Maya: Huh?

Kay: I'm back! *comes back holding a pair of wire cutters* The Management won't be bugging us anymore.

Edgeworth: I, see. *ahem* Furthermore, I would not describe Klavier Gavin as a "hothead". He's egotistical and vain, to be sure. But he normally has quite a calm demeanor.

Quote:

Kay Faraday is the second Yatagarasu. Don't ask me why she is my assistant. She more or less gave herself the job. She competent though, innocent but serious at the same time. Agent Lang is hotheadish but not like Klavier. He hates the profession of prosecutors but I think he's coming around to the idea of the courts.

Edgeworth: I'm personally curious as to the point of this recap. It's safe to assume that anyone reading this has already played the games. This is unnecessary.

Maya: See?! See?!

Phoenix: *groans* Just stick with us, Maya. You're not gonna get away with letting us suffer alone.

Quote:

As of now Connor is fitting in hanging around with Klavier despite them being so different. Caitlyn is judging more cases like a professional. Lang Franziska is off somewhere. And Kay is in my office sorting my stuff while I was sipping my tea.

Phoenix: Wait, who's Lang Franziska? Some sort of long-lost twin?

Edgeworth: Kay, I don't remember giving you permission to sort through my files.

"No Franziska," I said. "But you'd be the first to know. When did you get back?"

Phoenix: If she would be the first to know, why did she even bother asking?

Quote:

"About an hour ago," she said. "What's up?"

"Well Kay refuses to forgive Connor," I explained.

"Still?" She asked. "How many apologies does it take for you to forgive the poor boy?"

Kay: Gee, Mr. Edgeworth. Just throw me under the bus, why don't you?

Maya: Also, why would Ms. von Karma care about that?

Edgeworth: I doubt she would.

Quote:

"Well aren't you still mad at Agent Lang for accusing you of murder?" Kay asked still trying to defend herself."

"I'm more mad that he defied my human rights," Franziska said. Kay rolled her eyes. "Aww does our little Kay have a crush?"

"NO!" Kay said as she blushed.

Kay: ...

Maya: Wow. And I just mentioned how people pair you with that Yumihiko guy. I must be psychic!

Phoenix: If you're psychic, predict how this story turns out so that we can get out of here.

Maya: Buy me a burger first.

Phoenix: I might've known.

Quote:

"What's up Franziska?" I asked changing the subject.

"Well someone was murdered, someone else died of natural causes, and a baby was born."

"I meant with you."

"I'm fine Miles," She said smiling.

Edgeworth: I'd, actually expect that more from you than from Franziska, Kay.

Maya: Yeah, she's acting kinda weird. But keep in mind, this is a shipping story we're talking about. When love's added into the equation, lots of character traits go out the window.

Edgeworth: Please don't remind me of that, Ms. Fey.

Quote:

"Before you came into my life I missed you so bad," Kay continued to sing. Franziska rolled her eyes.

Kay: What, I'm not allowed to sing?

Quote:

"What are you're plans for tonight Kay?" Franziska asked.

"Nothing much," Kay said.

"Let's have dinner," Franziska said. "You too Miles."

Edgeworth: That was, sudden.

Maya: Again, shipping story.

Phoenix: But why invite Ms. Faraday as well?

Kay: Who cares? Free food!

Edgeworth: *groans*

Quote:

"But but," I said.

"Please no Buts." Franziska said.

Phoenix: Yes, I'm begging you, no Butz.

Larry: Aw, that's mean, Nick~!

Edgeworth: Please, Larry. This is enough of a headache without your input. *Larry leaves, dejected*

Phoenix: Maya, next time I try to make a joke like that, slap me.

Maya: You got it, Nick.

Quote:

"I guess," Kay said. "What time?"

"7," Franziska said. "And no questions."

"That's just like you," I said.

Edgeworth: At least, it's somewhat like her. Franziska does have a tendency to have people not question her, but not about something like this.

Maya: Once again, shipping story.

Phoenix: You say that as if all shipping stories are like that.

Maya: Well, not all. Some of them are more subtle than this.

Kay: Ba-zing!

Quote:

But non-the less we had dinner and everything went well. Franziska and Kay worked out most of her problems with Connor despite Kay's refusal to forgive him easily. Franziska agreed on that. After that conversation we had one discussing cartoons and stuff including the Steel Samurai. Everything went so well that night that I would have never suspected the next day to be so messed up.

Kay: You mean we don't even get to see the dinner?

Edgeworth: Show, don't tell. It's a simple literary technique that all authors should be able to grasp. The fact that this author doesn't understand that just astounds me.

*the lights come up*

Phoenix: Over already? But we still have three more chapters.

Maya: Yeah, and we haven't even gotten to the mystery yet.

FBI Agent: Sorry, folks. But someone decided to clip the wire that allowed Management to communicate with you all, so we're postponing the rest of the sporking until it's fixed.

Kay: *whistles innocently*

Edgeworth: Well, at least we're free to go for now. Though I wonder how much worse this can get.

Phoenix: I'm just glad Ms. von Karma wasn't here.

Maya: *pouts* Yeah, lucky her.

*And so, our heroes leave. What is the mystery that was in the introduction? Will Franziska become more OOC, thus giving this a higher rating? And will the Management ever solve the pesky problem that is Kay Faraday? Find out next time on Sporking Theater!*

"I am Pearl Fey. I am almost ten years old. And this is my sister Iris. She likes Mr. Nick."

Phoenix: And, she's surprisingly okay with that, it seems.

Maya: Okay, who are you and what have you done with Pearly?!

Kay: Oh dear. If we have to ask that question, this is all going to go downhill from here.

Quote:

"Ok. Didn't need to know that last part," Lang said.

"Ok what's up?" Wright asked.

"Kidnappings. 9 of them. All girls," Franziska said getting to the point.

"More kidnappings," Maya said.

"Maya!" Iris and Phoenix said.

"Sorry," Maya said.

Maya: What? What'd I do?

Phoenix: I, don't know. Is it a reference to when De Killer kidnapped you or something? If so, why would you bring that up, and why would I be offended about it?

Maya: I don't know! You're the one yelling at me!

Quote:

"So what's that got to do with us?"

"We need to investigate the locations are scattered throughout town and we want to do this quickly," Franziska quickly explained. "Wanna help?"

Phoenix: Um, see. I kinda have my own problems at the moment trying to reclaim my badge and stuff.

Quote:

"I guess," Wright said. "What's the plan?"

Phoenix: Um, sure. Or that.

Quote:

"To quotes of Fred 'Split up and look for clues,'" Lang said.

"Ooh I call Edgeworth," Franziska said sounding excited. We stared at her. "Because we known each other longest."

Edgeworth: I am so glad Franziska isn't here to see this.

Maya: Once again, shipping story.

Quote:

"Hey Kay let's investigate," Maya said.

"But the kidnappers could be out there. Are you sure you'll be yourselves?" Lang said.

"Mr. Interpol guy, if anyone tries to sneak up on us, I'll go all Jackie Chan on them."

"Maya," Wright started. "Jackie Chan is alive."

"Or another kung fu guy," Maya finished.

Phoenix: Maya, you don't know kung fu.

Maya: I clearly meant channelling someone who does, Nick.

Edgeworth: Then say that. Don't make us guess.

Quote:

Mr. Nick can I go with you and Iris," Pearl asked.

"Pearls," Wright started.

"Come on I'll be with you and you don't have to pay for a babysitter," Pearl said.

Phoenix: Wow, that really isn't Pearls. I thought she'd insist that I go with you, Maya.

Maya: I know, right?

Quote:

"What do you think Iris?" Wright asked.

"If you're extremely careful and stay close to us. Ok Pearly?"

"Yes Iris," Pearl nodded.

Phoenix: Wait, is it implying that Iris and I are already married? Is that why Pearls has given up on forcing me and Maya to be together?

Maya: Would've been helpful to establish that, author!

Quote:

"Mr. Wright why don't you take your group by the park. Two crime scenes are there and the dog park is close by," Lang ordered.

"Edgeworth and I could take the museum and aquarium," Franziska said.

"Yeah you do that," Lang said. "Hey teenagers. "You take the hair salon and the pumpkin patch. I'll take the garden. You guys need these," he addresses Wright and Maya.

Kay: Um, you don't sound very professional, Agent Lang.

Edgeworth: Nothing about this author is professional, Kay. I think we've established that.

Quote:

"What are they?" Maya asked.

"Permission to enter the crime scenes. You'll need them."

"Thanks," Wright said.

"All right les move out back at nineteen hundred hours. Lets move people."

Phoenix: So, Agent Lang had random affidavits written up just on the off chance that he would have to hire a disbarred defense attorney and his motley crew to help him after he stupidly gave his men the month off. That, is very contrived.

Edgeworth: True. But still, wouldn't she be asking what we're doing here? She seems awfully calm about this.

Kay: She's the kidnapper. I'm calling it right now.

Quote:

"Did you know her?" I asked.

"She was a security guard around these parts. We talked a couple of times. Her name was Taylor"

"So she worked here?" Miles asked.

"She was on the night shift. That's when the kidnapping happened," she said.

Edgeworth: If she was a security guard, it's safe to assume that she worked on the premises.

Kay: Not to mention you didn't tell her that you were investigating the kidnapping, and yet she knows to talk about it. She has "suspicious" written all over her.

Quote:

"Anything else about her," I inquired.

"She was French. She had a boyfriend. He's torn up about this." Alexandra said. I noticed something.

Edgeworth: I did as well. I noticed that mentioning that she's French hardly helps our investigation.

Phoenix: Well, at least you have a new lead.

Quote:

"Miles look here," I said.

"I better leave my shift is over," Alexandra said.

"You've been a good help," Miles said. "What is it Franziska

Edgeworth: Um, no. She actually wasn't of much help at all. There are several more questions that I would've asked her.

Kay: Like where the question mark in your question to Ms. von Karma went?

Edgeworth: Nnngh.

Quote:

"Key chain," I said inspecting it. "Some kind of crown on it."

"A tiara?" Miles asked.

"Yeah. Seven sparkles on it."

"Odd."

Edgeworth: Not entirely odd, if this was the place of kidnapping. It's very likely that articles of clothing would come loose in the struggle.

Phoenix: And, we still don't know what makes this an international incident.

Quote:

We investigated the whole scene. There were some signs of struggle a couple spindles fell down. Thread spun but other than that nothing. We decided to move onto the aquarium it was about a ten-minute walk.

"Well Wright knows when he has to be serious. Remember when he literally had a working fever."

Phoenix: Working fever? What does that have to do with my relationship with Iris?

Edgeworth: I think we can successfully say that this train of thought has been derailed, among others that the author felt the need to bring up out of nowhere.

Quote:

"That was different. Plus he didn't have a girlfriend then. I mean his old girlfriend was there as well girl who took credit as his old girlfriend. Granted fake-o was possessing someone but still."

"I'm sure even if he has a girlfriend, Wright knows what to do, Franziska," Miles exclaimed.

Phoenix: If I knew what you were talking about, I'd have the feeling that you were insulting me and Iris, Ms. von Karma.

Maya: Once again, shipping story. When love is on the brain, everything else goes out the window.

Quote:

"It's not like I'm not happy for them. I'm glad they worked things out. True love should be found, you know?"

"I suppose. Here we are." We stood in front of the Gatewater Aquarium. "Heh they even have an aquarium."

Edgeworth: Again, cute.

Quote:

Inside we found the crime scene. It was by the exhibit of the Baltic Sea. We found another security guard.

"Excuse me sir," I expressed. "Hi. We're local prosecutors and we want to find out some information about the victim."

Kay: Wait, why aren't you explaining what crime you're investigating?

Edgeworth: I'm sure that'll be a moot point, since the guard will know what we're talking about regardless.

Quote:

"Her name was Nova," the guard said. "She was 25 and a marine biologist she was in charge of the exhibit. Her mother and father were from Denmark. She had a boyfriend about 23. Poor boys devastated. Says they were going through some rough times."

"You question him?" I asked.

"He has an alibi. He's a senior at Ivy League University. He was studying with his pals at the time."

"When did it happen?"

"11 pm I guess. Investigate all you want."

Edgeworth: Like I said.

Quote:

"Thanks," I said. "Anything interesting Miles."

"Oh before I forget," the guard said. "These belonged to Nova."

"Again thank you," I said taking the purse. "Miles look."

"What?" he asked.

"Cough Drops," I said. "The foolish girl had a sore throat."

"Well apparently she loved the ocean. She has several postcards with pictures of oceans. The Baltic and Caspian seas are the most common. A couple Coral reefs."

Edgeworth: And once again, we're having two separate conversations. Is it over yet?

Quote:

He was beginning to rant about the postcards. He did it in his way, which I liked. Inside I was feeling all fluttery inside. I don't know why though, but watching him go on and on like that, his compliments, and his fine body made me all giddy. It felt so strange because I didn't know why. I then realized that I loved this man.

Maya: Now it is. I knew they were going to end on shipping prose.

*the lights come on*

Phoenix: Well, that's if for now, I suppose.

Speakers: The Management wishes to announce that there are still three more chapters, recently added. Be sure to report back.

Kay: What, more?! That's it, I'm done. *disappears*

Maya: Hey! What about our bet?

Phoenix: Forget it, Maya. I'll get you burgers on the way back.

Edgeworth: This is not going to end well.

*And so, our heroes survive another round. Will Kay return? How is the kidnapping case an international incident? And why does the Management like tea and crumpets? Find out next time on Sporking Theater!*

It's all downhill from here, folks. I might have to change the original rating.

Today's Episode: Leapin' Logic Part III

*We pick up where we left off, back in the Sporking Theater*

Phoenix: Any word from Kay?

Edgeworth: Sadly, no. It seems she's determined to skip out on us this time.

Phoenix: Figures.

Maya: But what about our bet?

Phoenix: *shrugs* I guess you'll have to collect the next time she shows up at a sporking.

Maya: *sighs* I suppose so.

Edgeworth: I'm sure we can manage without her. Now, let's get on with it.

Quote:

Chapter 5

Phoenix: We might actually have a record for the longest story we sporked here, at least in terms of chapters.

Edgeworth: That's not necessarily a good thing.

Quote:

17 years earlier

Maya: Wait, a flashback? What's the point of this?

Edgeworth: I'm afraid I'm as lost as you, Ms. Fey. Especially considering that the author made no indication of this in the last chapter.

Quote:

The young boy was seeing his new house for the first time. Standing next to him was his new mentor Manfred von Karma. He was standing in front of a huge mansion. A butler was standing outside with a toddler.

Phoenix: Wait, who's talking? Are we still seeing this from Ms. von Karma's perspective?

Edgeworth: I-I don't know. The text seems to indicate a third person narrator, which makes no sense considering the format the author has been using thus far.

Phoenix: Now that's just downright sloppy.

Quote:

"Forgive the absence of my wife, Miles Edgeworth," Mr. von Karma said. "She won't be joining us for a couple of days. And my other daughter Patricia is currently at her boarding school."

Phoenix: So his other daughter's name is Patricia?

Edgeworth: If that were the case, it would be odd, considering Patricia is not a typical German name.

Maya: Wait, don't you know the name of his other daughter, Edgeworth? I mean, you grew up with him.

Edgeworth: Well, Franziska would know more about her than I.

Phoenix: Hold it! Why should that be? Maya's right, you should know the name of Manfred von Karma's older daughter.

Edgeworth: Well, um...

???: Banzai!

*Kay drops in from the ceiling*

Edgeworth: Oh, look! Kay's back!

Phoenix and Maya: ... *stare at Edgeworth*

Kay: What? What'd I miss?

Edgeworth: *ahem* N-nothing. Anyway, what made you decide to come back?

Kay: The prospect of free Swiss Cake Rolls from Maya Fey.

Maya: *sneers playfully* Don't be so smug. Mr. Edgeworth has been very much in character so far.

Phoenix: *stares at Edgeworth*

Edgeworth: *shrugs*

Quote:

"I understand sir," Miles said.

"Hello Franziska, Jonathan."

"Good to have you back sir," Mr. Jonathan said. Franziska nodded.

Edgeworth: Jonathan isn't really a typical German name, either. The closest German name would be Johann.

Maya: Johann? That's not a butler name. Butlers are supposed to have names like Alfred or Jives or Lurch.

Phoenix: Lurch?

Maya: *deep voice* You rang?

Kay: Eh, nice try. But I doubt a lot of people would get the reference.

Edgeworth: As a matter of fact, I did.

Kay: Well, you don't count.

Edgeworth: *sighs*

Quote:

"Please pardon Franziska. She's going through a phase. She understands most English. Please try not to use so many big words," Manfred said.

Phoenix: Um, how old is Ms. von Karma in this flashback?

Edgeworth: Well, if I'm meeting her for the first time, I'd say she's about two, maybe three years old.

Phoenix: And at that age Manfred von Karma was training her to be bilingual? I never knew he was such a strict parent.

Edgeworth: Well, German is only spoken in Germany and Austria, and everyone there also speak English. So, it's not that strange once you think about it.

Maya: The more you know.

Quote:

"Yes sir," Miles said.

"I'll be in my study Jonathan will take you to you're room. See you at dinner Franziska." Franziska looked down. "Franziska!" Manfred spoke a bit more loudly. She looked up "I want an answer." Franziska waved to him. Manfred left to the study.

Phoenix: Wow, ease up, Mr. von Karma. She's just a kid.

Edgeworth: Wright, this is Manfred von Karma we're talking about. He's not exactly easy to write in a more tender setting.

Phoenix: Even so, I have a hard time believing he was this strict.

Edgeworth: No comment.

Quote:

After awhile Miles saw Franziska at the door of his room.

"Hi," he said. Franziska waved. "You don't talk much do you?" Franziska shook her head. Miles looked at her. She had her cyan hair in a bow and sapphire eyes. Miles had steel-black colored hair and gray eyes. "Um I hate to be rude, especially to someone like you but do you want a brother." Franziska shrugged. "Do you smile?" Franziska looked away. "Everyone's got to smile." Franziska shook her head. "Well you got to smile sometime." She looked at him confused. "It takes less muscles to smile then to frown." She continued to shrug. While Miles wasn't looking Franziska made a smile.

Edgeworth: And once again, we flow from one topic to the next without much warning.

Kay: I dunno, Maya. Could you picture Mr. Edgeworth acting like that?

Maya: He's a kid in this scene, Kay. He's not completely out of character yet. The bet's still on.

Quote:

3 years after that

Phoenix: Was there a point to that?

Edgeworth: Doubtful.

Quote:

Miles was a bit late to pick up Franziska. He was 13 at that time and Franziska was only 6. Since Miles was planed to go to law school at 17 he skipped a year and was a freshman in high school. Franziska was in 1st grade. Since everyone else was busy Miles was supposed to pick up Franziska from school. The high school wasn't to far away from her school but Franziska had to meet him halfway between the schools.

Edgeworth: The German school system is not the same as the American one. To assume otherwise shows a lot of cultural ignorance.

Kay: Cut them some slack, Mr. Edgeworth. This is a fanfic, not a senior thesis.

Edgeworth: I should say it isn't.

Quote:

"Ok I'm only 3 minutes late. That's not to bad," Miles huffed. "So where's Franziska?" He looked around but no prevail. "Franziska you out there?" He heard whimpering. "Franziska?"

He went to where the whimpering was and found his 'sister' there on the ground all scraped up.

Edgeworth: It's one thing to confuse your and you're. It's quite another to confuse to and too.

Edgeworth: That's only because you have difficulty picturing her without her whip.

Maya: You mean she didn't have a whip when she was little?

Edgeworth: No. She did have a riding crop, though. I disremember when she got it exactly.

Quote:

"I think he'll notice," Miles said. Franziska looked down. Miles was there to help her and she didn't exactly want that. It's not like she didn't like it. Inside she felt fluttery but she thought it was her lunch at the time. "Come on let get all fixed up." At the manor Miles bandaged up Franziska. Luckily her outfit covered most of the wounds.

Edgeworth: I'm supposed to be thirteen years old in this scene, not thirteen months! This grammar is atrocious!

Kay: Anyone else think it's a bit creepy that she's feeling this way about Mr. Edgeworth at such a young age?

Maya: Not me.

Kay: Why not?

Maya: Because shipping story.

Kay: C'mon, even then that's a bit of a stretch.

Maya: I never said it was a good shipping story.

Quote:

"Miles do you believe in fairytales?" Franziska asked.

"Personally no," Miles said finishing up her bandages.

"Why?"

"If their were poisoned apples then wouldn't we here about it?"

"I guess," Franziska admitted. "OW"

Edgeworth: Poisoned apples? That's the example I choose? An apple can be poisoned without supernatural means.

Phoenix: What example would you choose then, Edgeworth?

Edgeworth: Well, spirits, for in...

Maya: *ahem*

Edgeworth: Er, I mean fairies.

Phoenix: *chuckles to himself*

Quote:

"Sorry Franziska," Miles said sounding sorry.

"Does that mean true love doesn't exist either?"

Edgeworth: True love is not a fanciful notion. I doubt even a child of Franziska's age would think it is.

Quote:

"I wouldn't say that," Miles said. "It's just harder to find then in fairytales. Besides a girl like you wouldn't want some boy to get all the credit." Franziska smiled. "There's that smile."

"Fool don't get used to it," Franziska said still smiling.

Edgeworth: A simple grammar check. That's all I ask.

Phoenix: I still want to know what the point of that was, if there was a point.

Kay: How much you wanna bet we don't get an answer in the next chapter?

Edgeworth: I think the author means "present day", indicating that the flashback is over.

Maya: *sulks* Aw, I wanted presents.

Phoenix: Th-there there.

Quote:

"Franziska," Miles said.

"Hm. What Miles?" I asked.

"I finished talking awhile ago."

Phoenix: So, Ms. von Karma just tuned you out to daydream about when you first met and a random day at school?

Edgeworth: That is what's implied. I must say, it's very unlike her.

Maya: Again, shipping story.

Edgeworth: Also, we're back to the first person narration, oddly enough.

Quote:

"Right the investigation," I said coolly.

"You ok- Aah"

"Foolish fool I'm fine," I said. "Let's get back to investigating."

Maya: Wow! Ms. von Karma has psychic powers!

Edgeworth: The author just forgot to indicate that she used her whip, and you know it.

Maya: You're no fun.

Quote:

"Well not much of a struggle here," Miles says.

"We should get back. What time is it?" I asked.

"6:30," Miles said. "Lets get back to Wright's"

Phoenix: So, now my place is a diner?

Maya: Eat at Wright's!

Quote:

Time: May 4th 7:00 pm

Place: Wright and Co

Maya: What, no shipping fluff in the half hour it takes them to get back?

Phoenix: You're actually complaining about that?

Maya: No, not really. I'm just saying.

Quote:

"Well what we find?" Agent Lang asked.

"Well me and Feenie found some info from the parks," Iris said.

Edgeworth: Dear Lord, the author isn't even trying at this point.

Kay: Mr. Edgeworth, we passed that point long ago. Don't tell me you're just noticing it now.

Edgeworth: Nnnngh.

Quote:

"We found a wing shaped locket by the pond incident. Picnic Basket by the woods one inside the sandwiches is eaten. And by the dog park we found a leash. Apparently she was the first to be kidnapped "

Edgeworth: If that's the same necklace from the prologue, just dust it for fingerprints and we have our kidnapper.

Phoenix: My question is how does that show that she was the first to be kidnapped? I don't think the locket proves that.

Kay: I smell a plot contrivance.

Quote:

"The girls at the woodsy part were sisters and crossing guards and half German, Mother's side. The pond one was a cop from Denmark. The pond one was the most recent. And the dog park one was a vet. Her parents are both French. All of them were in their mid 20s," Iris said.

Phoenix: I wonder if the witnesses volunteered the information without us having to ask just like they did with Edgeworth and Ms. von Karma.

Edgeworth: Actually, it would be nice if they showed what happened in these other investigations instead of just talking about it.

Quote:

"Kay and I found quite a bit," Maya said

"In the pumpkin patch their shoe was left and this girl was French and about 27. Her profession was a business lady. Pretty high up too."

"And the hair salon girl adopted from Germany when she was a kid. She's a childcare lady. She's 24 and she left some barrettes," Maya wrapped up.

Maya: And the witnesses told us this without us having to ask. Wasn't that nice of them?

Kay: More like contrived. Seriously, this whole story reeks of plot contrivances.

Quote:

"And you Lang," I asked.

"Well the garden chick was business woman from France. She's about 28. The crime scene had some shattered teacups, rose petals scattered, and her pocket mirror fell.

Edgeworth: Questions usually end with a question mark. Even an amateur would know that!

Phoenix: So, all we got so far is some information generously donated to us out of nowhere and some clues that just need to be processed in a crime lab in order to find the kidnapper.

Maya: Um, go team?

Quote:

"Wait did all the girls have boyfriends?" Miles asked.

Phoenix: That's Edgeworth for you. Good job latching onto the pattern like that.

Edgeworth: Well, it might not mean anything. Still, all possibilities must be observed in order to reach the truth.

Quote:

"Now that you mention it yeah," Phoenix Wright said. "They all have alibi's though. Two were at their parents, one was working at the movies, and the other one was working his shift at Gatewaterland."

"Our guys were out of the picture too," Maya said. "One was at a business meeting and the other was teaching some kids."

"And the French lady in the pumpkin patch had a boyfriend who was out of town to visit his relatives. He was re-painting his parents house," Kay explained.

Kay: Huh. Turns out that lead didn't amount to anything.

Edgeworth: Unless this is misdirection, I have a feeling the author is just wasting our time.

Quote:

"Pretty convenient if you ask me," I muttered to myself.

"I doubt they're involved," Iris said. "I mean if they were wouldn't they slip up? Especially the first and last guy."

"I guess so," Miles said. "But why these women if a group is kidnapping them?"

Edgeworth: One thing at a time, my fair doppelgänger. We don't even know who the kidnappers are. And why automatically assume that it's a group and not an individual?

Kay: Maybe he read the prologue.

Quote:

"They must be important somehow," I answered. "We just haven't found out yet."

"It's getting pretty late," Phoenix Wright said.

"I don't feel like cooking. I'm too beat," Iris said.

"Then lets go out to eat," Miles said. We all stared at him. "What she's allowed to make dinner suggestions and I'm not?" I whipped him a couple of times. "Ow."

Phoenix: Iris didn't make a suggestion. She just said she didn't feel like cooking. And for the record, I wouldn't mind eating out as long as Edgeworth was paying.

Edgeworth: For all of us? Wright, how much money do you think I make?

Phoenix: More than me, that's for sure.

Quote:

"You deserved it," I said. Inside I was feeling fluttery again. I turned away from him so it would go away. I saw Pearl Fey. "Uh Hi."

"Hello Ms. von Karma," she greeted.

"So dinner it is?" Miles asked.

Kay: Um, Mr. Edgeworth? We still haven't decided what we're doing for dinner.

Phoenix: Wow, that was nonsensical and pointless. I feel so special.

Quote:

"Count me out," Lang said. "I still got to adjust to the time change." He then took off.

Phoenix: Really? A bad case of jet lag?

Edgeworth: Strange. He seemed perfectly alright when he first came into the story. And for the record, jet lag should not last that long.

Maya: Very suspicious.

Kay: Nah, I still say that Hilton girl is the kidnapper.

Quote:

Dinner was a bit livelier than the night before. That was only because of the fact we had four more people at the table. The group was so big we had to divide the group. Kay, Maya and Pearl were at one table, and the rest of us were at the other. Iris and Phoenix were playing footsie under the table.

Phoenix: *blushes* Um, I think I would have better manners than that.

Maya: You are so lucky the real Pearly isn't here right now. She'd have a fit if she saw that.

Quote:

"I know you're doing that," I said. They blushed.

"Franziska," Miles started.

"What? It's so junior high." They stared at me. I then realized that I never went to junior high. "I mean pre-teen." They shrugged.

Edgeworth: The word you're looking for is "immature", Franziska. Which also describes how you chose to word things here.

Quote:

After that Miles talked to them while I remained silent. It wasn't like I didn't want to talk but I kept thinking about Miles even though he was right there. I did not want to feel that way. We had a foolishly foolish case to solve.

Maya: Okay, I was willing to give Ms. von Karma the benefit of the doubt since this is a shipping story, but even I can't picture her calling a case foolish.

Edgeworth: Especially since it's apparently an international incident.

Phoenix: Even though we're never told how.

Quote:

After Dinner Miles walked me home. I kept my distance from him to keep me from blushing. Miles was ranting again.

"You going home?" he asked, finally looking at me. I looked away from him so I wouldn't blush like I thought I would. "Franziska, you there?" I turned back.

"Not to my apartment if that's what you're asking," I said. He looked confused. "Well I'm staying at a hotel because my building is being renovated." He went back to rambling.

Phoenix: I don't remember Edgeworth being that much of a chatterbox.

Kay: Maybe he's talking about the Steel Samurai or something.

Edgeworth: *becomes tense*

Phoenix: ?

Quote:

"I like," I started to myself.

"Hm," Miles said looking at me.

"Working," I finished looking aside. "I like working."

"Me too Franziska," Miles said giving me his affirmative smile.

Maya: *sardonically* Nice save.

Quote:

Unknown place

Phoenix: Okay, what's this about?

Quote:

"Are you sure she's the one we want?" A man's voice said over the phone. "She's pretty famous."

"She's onto us and she fits the last one perfectly," another man said.

"But wouldn't she be with the group she was with today?" the phone man continued.

"If we get her to pull through her part of the plan, she will be all alone," the man said. "Trust me. It will work."

"Should I get the drink ready?" the phone guy asked in a prideful way.

"But of course. After all we wouldn't want our pale friend to go away thirsty."

Phoenix: So, are we to assume that no investigation was done in the morning? Or did it just happen offscreen?

Quote:

Thankfully we weren't supposed to meat at Phoenix Wright's place until 3:00. Apparently they have to fill out some applications for Pearl or something. I couldn't get much sleep last night. I kept thinking about Miles Edgeworth. I couldn't face up to him like this. The last time I felt this so confused started with him caring for my last wound.

Edgeworth: Now the author confuses meet and meat? This is simply inexcusable!

Phoenix: And since when am I filling out Pearls' school applications? I'm not her legal guardian.

Maya: Well, I can't do it, and Aunt Morgan's in jail or dead. You're the closest thing she's got, Nick.

Phoenix: Well, on the plus side, it would lead to a legal battle that wasn't about murder for once.

Maya: *puffs cheeks* This is no joking matter, Nick. Pearly's counting on you.

Quote:

One year earlier

Phoenix: How much you want to bet that she's going to be talking about being shot by De Killer?

Edgeworth: I suppose great minds think alike, Wright. I was thinking the exact same thing.

Phoenix: Rare praise coming from you, Edgeworth.

Edgeworth: *smug grin* Don't get used to it, Wright.

Quote:

"That foolishly foolish fool. How could he give that information to him," the young woman said. "Well it doesn't matter. Mark my words Miles Edgeworth I will-"

*Bang*

Everything went blank for Franziska. She was shot. As she fell too the ground her sight was on the shadowy figure approaching her.

Edgeworth: And, we're back to the third person narrative. The prologue being in the third person was understandable, but this is ridiculous and sloppy.

Phoenix: Looks like we were right, though. This flashback is referring to De Killer.

Kay: You mean that psycho ice cream salesman shot Ms. von Karma?!

Maya: Ice cream salesman?

Edgeworth: Don't ask. It's a long story.

Quote:

Miles Edgeworth has just walked out of car when he heard a gunshot. He was shocked for a second. When he came too, he ran toward where the gunshot was heard. When he got there he looked all around. He couldn't find anything for a few seconds. Then he found some feet in the bushes. He ran to them. In a second he found his 'sister' on the ground while blood poured out of her right shoulder.

Edgeworth: Now there are tense changes? That's it, I'm thoroughly convinced that this author has given up on making any grammatical sense whatsoever.

Phoenix: I don't think it's as bad as you make it out to be, Edgeworth. If it was, this would be totally indecipherable. As it stands, it's only semi-indecipherable.

Edgeworth: As if that was any better.

Quote:

"FRANZISKA!" he screamed. The young woman was still not waking up. He took her in his arms. He wrapped up her shoulder with his cravat. He remembered he had a water bottle. He poured it over her face to wake her up. She moaned.

"You were shot," Miles answered pointing to her shoulder. "Are you ok?"

Phoenix: None of this is anything we don't already know. I mean, if they kept the first person perspective and told it from Ms. von Karma's point of view, then it would be a lot more powerful. As it stands, it's just...

Kay: *singing* Exposition, exposition...

Phoenix: Yeah, that.

Maya: Hey, it's not exposition for me! I was locked in a dark, crummy basement the entire time!

Phoenix: Um, well...

Edgeworth: It can't really be helped, Ms. Fey. Even though this information is relatively new to you, it's just meaningless padding for the rest of us.

Maya: *sighs*

Phoenix: Don't worry about it, Maya. It was all in the past anyway. And we all got through it, didn't we?

Maya: Yeah, I guess you're right.

Quote:

"Of course I'm ok," Franziska exclaimed standing back up. She cringed as she did so. "Now if you excuse me I have to get that Engarde guilty."

"Franziska!" He said. She whipped him. Luckily she was left-handed. "Franziska you need help."

"No I don't!" Franziska yelled. She tried walking to the courthouse but stumbled as she did so. Miles grabbed her left arm. "Let go of me!" she screamed.

Edgeworth: For the record, she really was this stubborn about trying to take the case. Although I don't think she whipped me.

Kay: Yeah, that didn't happen until later.

Speakers: ...

Maya: Well?

Speakers: The Management would like to ask Ms. Kay Faraday not to confuse us as to whether or not you're breaking the Fourth Wall. Seriously, right now we can't tell.

Maya: Wait, what?

Kay: *flashes a goofy grin* That's what I do best!

Quote:

"Franziska. You are just going to make matters worse. If you go in there like that not only would your wound get worse but you could slip up."

"I don't slip up!" she screeched.

"I don't care!" Miles yelled. "I'm taking you to a hospital before you do something you'll regret." Miles pulled her to his car and drove to the closest clinic.

Edgeworth: Slip up? I, think I was more concerned about her well-being than her courtroom performance.

Quote:

Present

Phoenix: Well, that was...

Maya: *glares at Phoenix*

Phoenix: Semi-pointless.

Kay: Nice save.

Quote:

She looked at the clock. 1:42. She still had time to sort things out.

Phoenix: I'm pretty sure Ms. von Karma doesn't zone out like this.

Maya: Again, shipping story.

Edgeworth: Also, there is still the third person narration. So much for my theory that the third person was reserved for flashbacks.

Quote:

"Maybe I should tell him. Or at least tell him that I feel uncomfortable." She took her bag and went to Miles Edgeworth's office. She decided that he would understand. Or at least she hoped he would. When she got there she found the door open. She looked inside to find something she didn't expect. Miles kissing another woman.

Thanks, Little Thief. I was hoping this thread wasn't going to be left in the dust of GS5 and PLvsAA news. It was a pleasant read... though I have to admit that I am disappointed in the lack of other sporkers. The main trio is starting to get a bit old. Well, since Nick and Edgey are the resident spork-b*tches, and Maya's just there, I don't mind their frequent appearances as much as I'd expected.

Maybe I'll give one a try. Any suggestions for me, or should I look for a fic myself?

Click here for the Gyakuten Saiban vs Ace Attorney Translation Project Blog!Various official AA stuff translations currently in the works.

Also, click here for the current archive of fanfiction or here for the backup archive. Click here for the blog that updates it.Includes translations of misc. fan works related or not to AA.Also, a very popular fanfic ask meme.

I have now read through every spork (save 'some R18 fic'...) and the image of me, trying to stifle my laughter at 4 in the morning came very true. :DI've found some spork-worthy material which would strike fear into the hearts of ocertain sporkers: a Phoenix/Maya lemon. A badly-written lemon.And here we are, ladies and gentlemen.

I am currently roaming about the archives for more badfic. If I come across more, I shall tell.Oh, and did anyone ever actually spork The Crackhouse Chapter 4: Pimping for Great Justice? I was thinking about doing it (with Apollo, the Judge and a...special guest, so to speak), but I'm not sure yet...

Keep up your Once Upon A Turnabout spork, Little Thief! Enjoying it so far~

"We never really know if our clients are guilty or innocent. All we can do is believe in them. And in order to believe in them, you have to believe in yourself."

Haha, derp on my part. I didn't realise at the time that you'd gone past the flashback chapter.Although, I believe the author put up a new chapter a few days ago as well as a new one-shot with Yumihiko and Franziska in it. That chapter has the shocking twist of...*gasp*! The woman kissing !

Anyways, good luck!

"We never really know if our clients are guilty or innocent. All we can do is believe in them. And in order to believe in them, you have to believe in yourself."

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