Can we ever have a good relationship?

I have been dating someone with ADD for about 6 months. At first it was amazing, and I couldn’t imagine why anyone would have hesitations about dating someone with ADHD. My family was dismayed about how much time we seemed to be spending together and how fast the relationship seemed to be moving.

About 3 months ago he started going to school full time – in addition to his full time job, his part time job and his myriad of other hobbies. In that time, I feel like our relationship has gone from a whirlwind fairy tale to seriously stressed.

In a short week, we went from going on 2 to 3 dates a week and talking every day to hanging out sometimes at 11:00pm and not hearing from him for days. In the last 3.5 months we have gone on 2 dates. He’ll sometimes call or text and say he’s coming over, but hours go by and I don’t hear from him and can’t get a hold of him. At first when I questioned his feelings for me he told me I was insecure. Now every time I bring up an issue he turns it back to me and asks “what’s really hurting” and why I don’t trust him.

I wouldn’t be so bothered if he was too busy to talk or do things when he is working or going to school. But weeks will go by with minimal interaction and he will tell me that he spent all day with his ex-girlfriend helping her out. Or that he is going on a guy’s weekend and I won’t see him or hear from him for 4 days. Or that he has a new hobby that he is doing amidst the chaos of his life that takes prescedence.

I have never been jealous or resentful of a boyfriend before – I am 30 – and never thought I could be. But when I don’t hear from him for days and can’t get a hold of him and find out that he has spent the weekend with friends, it is hard not to feel hurt.

It’s hard to trust him when my friends and family are telling me that he isn’t invested in the relationship. My dad went from loving him to being very leery of him and telling me that he thinks he should be more committed. My mom is very concerned that he is not dependable. (To be honest, since the hyper focus ended, I haven’t really been able to rely on him for anything. He sees my need for him to be dependable as me not being independent enough). My doesn’t want me to even think about marrying him until he becomes dependable and starts to show more respect for me.

I know he loves me, and I really love him. But I really am thinking I should break up with him. I don’t think this will work. He keeps telling me that he’ll do things with me in the future, spend time with me in the future. That right now he’s really busy and needs me to be patient. I honestly don’t think he’ll ever have time for me or time for a relationship.

Comments

Whether it's the ADHD or not I think your gut and your family may be right. He doesn't sound dependable. Sounds like he might have some growing up to do. If he isn't dependable now he won't be once you are married. It's easy sometimes to excuse bad behavior for ADHD but sometimes bad behavior is just bad behavior. The things you would like to change about him or his behavior now won't change if you get married. I know it's hard, no one wants the heartache, but it will be worse the longer you stay. Good luck.

I'm so sorry to put it bluntly. I think you should leave now while you can. Trust me, you don't want to marry or have kids with someone like that. Your life will be stressful and you will end up doing everything to keep life together. He will not appreciate or even see your efforts. Your kids will be stressed also.

Find end someone who has attention, patience, and will knowingly spend time with you. You are important and don't let him ignore your needs. Get out now because you can't change him. It will get worse.

Well, we broke up, or rather, he broke up with me. I told him I needed to see him more often and be a higher priority and he broke things off. I've been unhappy for a while now. So it's probably for the best.

I'm sorry about your break up but you are right, it's probably for the best. There needs to be participation and contribution from both parties or it doesn't work. Best you found out now rather than later. But I know it's still never easy to break off a relationship, even a disfunctional one.

Lizzy, I am sorry that this ended in this way for you. But use this time to take care of yourself. Your gut was telling you that something wasn't right. You may look back on this and realize that it was for the best. My best to you.