Your Blogging Staff

Contributing to this blog:
- "Dave" is Dave Barry, who is a humor columnist and presidential contender.
- "judi" is Judi Smith, who is Dave's Research Department, as well as being interested in men.
- "Walter" is Walter, a bone from the penis of a walrus.

April 30, 2007

24

12:31 AM -- Karen goes to see Lennox, rationalizing that Reed is using anything he
can to bargain his way out of the death penalty for treason. Hock wants
to distance the President, and needs either Karen or Buchanan to be
blamed. Lennox says that Buchanan is already in the crosshairs and will
ultimately be responsible because his signature is on the Fayed
release. Karen considers resigning again, but Lennox advises her to not
risk her own job since she can’t save Buchanan.

If that doesn't make your sphincter contract, I don't know what will. And tonight promises to be just as good. Here's where we stand:

As you recall, Jack, having managed to escape from Special Agent Former Child Ricky Schroder, was going to meet the evil Chinese Subplot Cheng, who is holding Audrey hostage. Jack's plan was to trade the Top Secret Circuit Board of Doom for Audrey, then blow himself and Cheng and the circuit board up. But Special Agent Ricky showed up at the last minute with a CTU response team and, with typical CTU precision and effectiveness, screwed everything up. Cheng got the circuit board and was able to escape via the fiendishly brilliant tactical tactic of using three black Hummers. That's right: Not only were there three of them, but THEY WERE ALL BLACK!! If the Hummers had been different colors, or if one of them had the words "CHENG IS IN THIS CAR" painted on the roof, CTU might -- I stress might -- have been able to catch him. But three black Hummers? Fuggedaboudit!

Responding swiftly to the blown mission and Cheng's escape, Special Agent Ricky (Why not?) arrested Jack, who begins this episode in custody for, what, the 273rd time. He is blue because Audrey was brainwashed and doesn't recognize him. Neither do I. The Jack I know and love would have shot the entire CTU response team last week and right now would be bouncing along some dark mountain road, clinging to the back bumper of a black Hummer with one hand while using his other to call Chloe on his cellphone so he could download some schematics.

So that's where we stand. I may be joining you late tonight, because Mrs. Blog is being honored at a University of Miami School of Communications banquet, and if you think you can miss a banquet honoring your wife because you have to watch 24, then you are a man who has never been even slightly married. I will set this to auto-post at 8:30, and I'll join you as soon as I can. Until then you're on your own. As always we await the moment when The Amazing Steve shows up and makes everything clear.

UPDATE: Well, it was a long banquet. They gave plaques to everybody in North America. But now I'm here. What's going on?

UPDATE: Bloomfield! Just as I thought.

UPDATE: Man, has this whole thing been about Audrey? I'm going back to the banquet.

UPDATE: What? Lisa's a slut?

UPDATE: William Devane is back!

UPDATE: I'm with William Devane. I don't think Jack should go near Audrey ever again.

UPDATE: "Everything you touch, one way or another, ends up dead." Yes! What's your point?

UPDATE: Wait a minute... that was the end? Where's the shocking episode-ending plot twist? Did they put that at the beginning this week?

I'd just like to say I am very disappointed with the Chinese subplot this year. They had SUCH an opportunity to do great things with it -- they could have brainwashed Jack! Made him become evil, and work for them! We could have had double-agent stories and loyalty themes and a vicious internal battle for Jack's soul.

What did we get instead? A Chinese "villain" whose voice reminds me of the guy down the street at Hunan Wok. Give me a break.

Actually, DD, he's only here in spirit. And I haven't tested his stamina...yet. Thing is, he disappeared 3 days ago, for no apparent reason. I'm thinking alligators got him. Or global warming. Or the Chinese subplot.

Hey, Noah: Since Russian President Subaru - did I actually hear Noah call him that? - just threatened to attack America over the circuit board, shouldn't you be calling the Joint Chiefs right now and, I dunno, letting them know we're going to Defcon One right now?