A compulsive overeater, food & sugar addict & bulimic. Welcome to my blog. It will be descriptive, share my ups & downs, challenges, growth and in detail descriptions of my emotions, past, behaviours & life, in general. If you have a food addiction or an eating disorder, my blogs may have information that could be triggers for you. Please proceed with caution.. i hope my sharing can be of help to anyone out there. And if so, i would love to hear about it. ♥

Sunday, 17 June 2012

This is a
hard one for me, I learned this in counselling this week, that it's one of my
greatest fears.. Most ( I would think ) would fear of NOT succeeding at
something.. In fact, I thought I feared that myself, but no... I fear success..
This passed week, I have really thought hard about this.. I have sought areas
of my life this might apply to, and realized it applies to almost every part of
my life over the course of my 39 years, especially today. It's even harder to believe that in all of
the work I have done this passed year on myself, and all of the great things I
have achieved, that I am not further in helping myself get over that fear..

3. When I
am close to moving forward in something, I find ways of setting myself up and
backpedaling..

Right
now, today, I am looking at my progress and thinking I really have achieved
some tremendous things since April of 2011.. I have pushed myself to do some
things which are clearly stepping out of my comfort zone, and I know I need to
find ways to move past this fear so I am no longer holding myself back.

- I have
applied for college to start my nursing journey - and am accepted &
registered.
- I have started and am leading a Weight Loss Support Group for employees at my
work, me included.

- I have
sought help in my recovery, and admitted I can not do this alone..I now have a
Sponsor, Counsellor & Dietician & have committed to meetings.

- I am
learning to let go, open to change, working on forgiveness and working the 12
Step Program.

These are
all very positive things for me, yet today I recognize ways I have been trying
to hold myself back in each and every one of those. And in doing so, proving to
myself that yes, I fear success.

Today I
have decided to haul out my 12x12, my workbook & questions my Sponsor
provided to me to also help me work through the Steps. I am admitting today that despite everything
I do, I have ways of disconnecting myself from the literature, the meetings or
the work and not truly 'getting' the lesson needed.. In other words, I still do
not fully admit that my life is unmanageable.

I try to
manage every single detail of my life.
If things aren't going my way, I break down.. To me, breaking down is
when my obsessing comes out full force.. Then I become highly agitated,
frustrated and start shaking, crying, my heart beats a mile a minute.. Anger
surfaces, I am blaming people around me, I am blaming myself, I am hard on
myself and there are NO solutions in sight.
I will dwell, and I am not being honest with myself hardly ever.. I am
self-centered in this mindframe, sick of everything and unable to see anything
as it is.. Just as "i" want to see it. It then gives me every reason to want to
abuse myself, procrastinate things to the point i don't achieve anything I've
wanted to do, which in turn makes me feel worthless, useless and consumed with
guilt. When that anger surfaces it is
because I can't "fix" all of these problems anymore.. In my mind, my
only fix for these things is to eat the foods i want, as much of it as I want,
and to the point I feel numb .. It's that momentary "feel good" to
all the pain I feel, the fears I have, the hardships I've endured, the triggers
in my life and the unhappiness I feel..Food is ALWAYS my answer, even today.

A few weeks ago, I found out that while I have been abstinent for over a year
now from my binge foods, I have only been physically abstinent, not emotionally
abstinent.. I am filled with chaos within, even moreso than ever now.. I went
so long feeling free from the obsession of food, 103 lbs lost and a great set
of daily tools to use and keep myself on the right path. I thought I had it in the bag, and here I am
throwing things aside and food dominating my thoughts once again. I have been
so close, SO close to losing myself back to where I started. I can do mountains of work and push myself
ahead step by step for over a year, and I can lose all of that with simply one
bite of food.

So, I
know I have the ability to push myself forward and passed my comfort zones..
What my issue NOW is, is to feel worthy of success.. To not fear it anymore,
not fear the unknown.. I have lived 39 years in comfort zones, without knowing
where to turn, not believing in myself and not feeling like I was deserving in
the least.. I have continually set myself up, backpedaled, or held myself back
completely. I have told myself
repetitively that I can't do this, because that's what others have told me or
made me feel, and over time I started believing that too. With a repeat pattern of saying "no, I
can't.." it's extremely scary to step out of that and feel like maybe I
can.. So today, I am blogging this to put some things out there about what I
will believe, starting right now.. And what goals I will work on, starting
right now.. So that I have the chance for once in my life, NOT to set myself up
or hold myself back, but spread my wings and fly - because I am a butterfly,
worthy of life and for that chance to fly with peace and a smile in my heart.

- I most certainly CAN, just like anybody else out there. No one can tell me differently. If I can't, it's because I wasn't meant to,
not because I am a failure.
- I owe this to myself, KC & the children, to be the best me I can be. Mostly, to myself though, because it is
"I" who has the doubts in my achieving all of the possibilities out
there..
- I am no one's doormat, I am deserving & worthy and will work on no longer
dwelling.
- This is where I pick myself up, put myself back out there, commit to my
priorities - and accept that recovery doesn't land on my doorstep, it's hard
work, every single day.
- This is a lifetime commitment, there will be good day, and there will be challenging days. (I don't like saying bad
days, because challenging days become good days, when lessons are learned and
growth happens because of it)
- When I am not true to using ALL of my tools each day, I set myself up to lose
my path to recovery.. And the fight becomes harder each time.

- I need
to be completely honest with myself, embrace the being I am, every single
imperfection and not be hard on myself about those imperfections, but instead
work at understanding them ..

- Working
my emotional, spiritual and physical recovery altogether, starting from this
day forward. Not one at a time, but all hand in hand.
- Working through the 12 steps and completing them
- Working through self forgiveness, letting go of the rest of the negative
people and things in my life, and striving forward, positively ready for a life
with more peace, happiness & self -acceptance..

-
Continued weight loss, (103 lbs so far) - not sure of my goal other than
feeling happy with what I see and feel.
No set number.
- Continuing to train to run, run some 5k, 8k & 10k's, with goals of a half
marathon and full marathon in Orlando, Florida in January of 2015
- Allowing myself 'me' time, to take up hobbies again, seek new hobbies, and
find the quality of life again.
- To get myself financially right again - consolidate and get that behind me,
budget and work for a healthy future.
- Starting a Youtube channel, to go with my
blog and facebook page and using them all to my full advantage, each day
without procrastinating.

I think
these are great goals.. Things I never thought I could achieve, and things I am
WANT to achieve and am putting myself out there everyday to try and make these
happen.. What is missing, is the belief and what is residing is the fear...
This is an honest confessional on things I feel within. These are honest things I want to be able to
do, and would feel so proud of myself for.. I have such a long list of things
to try in life, and such a long list of things to bring back into my life..

Today, marks the day I start the hard work, honestly.. And today marks the day
this all becomes my priority..
Much love to you all - Thank you for your continued support on my journey..

Saturday, 2 June 2012

It's such an ugly part of this disease, and I've a lot of anger of many forms
that I am working through and still need to work through.
It's a complicated journey, one of many layers.
And I have to peel everything apart, layer by layer and dig down deep
and bare all of my feelings..
The brutal honesty with myself, can be so difficult.. For my entire life, I've
been one to stuff my feelings within and not share them with anyone.

I
developed some major trust issues in my young childhood, and from there started
my bulimia.

Throughout
my life, I have carefully added layers of issues, one upon the other, until I
am where I am here today. Within, I am
full of what I like to call 'chaos'.

I
struggle with obsessing, overeating, behaviours, low self-esteem, self-abuse, a
lot of fears, isolation, and the list goes on.
Food has numbed me for a very long time.
Whether the bulimia, the compulsive overeating or the binging & purging, I
have depended on food in some way, for my entire life. In this passed year, I
have been working

on
changing the comforts within my disease, and it's putting me in a very raw,
tender & sensitive place. Not to
mention, I have chosen to do this very publicly, and that has

helped me
seal the understanding of why most people choose to work through their
addiction using anonymity. It's too late
for me to do that now, and so I hold my chin high

each day
and I push through the motions the best way I know how. In saying all of this, this blog is about
working on releasing the anger within.
It won't happen quickly, but

this is
where I start to pick up the pieces and put them together to form a stronger
'self'..

I have 2
months of unmotivation, and am just getting myself back on track. Reason for my lack of motivation? Pure mental
exhaustion. Working a recovery is hard
work.. Physically,

I have
many tools I use in the run of a day, that I start from the moment I wake up to
the time I go to bed at night.. Between daily meetings, daily journal, daily
blogging (not this blog, but

a
personal one), working on a program with my sponsor, working through the steps
in my workbook and 12x12, daily literature, meditation (countless times per
day), counting calories, logging food, pre-planning &

preparing
my meals the night before, daily exercise of at least 30 minutes, and more.. I
try to work all of that in with my work hours, maintaining my home and spending
time with my family.
Then add in appointments through all of that, with my counsellor, my dietician,
credit counselling to get my financial problems (caused by years and years of
binging), weight loss support group, countless doctor's appointments and
hospital tests, and again, the list goes on.. All of that alone would exhaust a
person, but now mix in the mental part of this disease.. The things I mentioned
above about 'the chaos'..

Every
single day, I have this inner battle going on, fighting off urges, continuously
obsessing foods, dealing with new 'hard' situations everyday...

None of this is for sympathy. Because
sympathy is the last thing I want or need with this disease.. I'm extremely
hard on myself in so many ways, but I know to be healthy, I have to get myself
in a healthier mindset and to do that, I need to put it all out there.. So,
here I am at a fork in my journey with recovery - where I come to three
different paths and a choice to make..

a/ I
continue to stuff everything inside, and live with the fact I don't move much
farther than I have right now.
b/ I say I am dealing with things, do so partially and stuff in the rest,
allowing me to move a bit farther on this journey.
c/ Give it my 110% knowing full well this will be the hardest fight of my life.

My decision, of course, is 'C'.. I've come this damn far, I don't have it in me to backpedal now..
But, in making this decision and knowing where this journey is now leading me,
my anger, sadness, fears, and many other emotions are surfacing..

And so
today feels like the ultimate day to take that first step, write this blog
& put it out there in the universe.
Please forgive me, for where this is about to go.

- To the people in my life who are not supportive of my journey, weight loss,
recovery or bettering my life in any way...I'm done.

Regardless
of how 'in the disease' I was, I have always tried my hardest to be completely
supportive of anyone in my path and what the need.

I have
put everyone first, before my own needs & over the years have come to
believe I don't even matter anymore.
I have swallowed insults, judgements and even looked the other way when people
certainly did not have my well-being at heart.

Whether
they were family, friends, co-workers, classmates, heck even strangers I
encounter on the street.. You need to know, I matter too.
I am helping myself, getting healthy, working a recovery program despite the
conflict within me, and building myself to a more positive & happier self,
day by day.
Nothing will ever help me understand why someone would want to knock me down
from doing good things for myself.. No one will ever help me see good reason
for that.
Everyone deserves the chance to improve their life, & everyone has worth in
this world we live in. From this day
forward, I will not be bullied, triggered or be knocked down from something
i've accomplished for ME.

Someone
told me at the beginning of this journey, that I needed to love myself before I
could spill over that love , and love others.
After one year of working my recovery, I have come to realize that this
is SO true.

I have
put myself in a much happier, healthier mindset and finally, I have some love
for myself.. Enough love to know when someone isn't capable of returning that
love. I can no longer seek attention
from people that I've spent a lifetime trying to get.. I can no longer put my
own needs aside, because doing so makes me feel like I no longer matter in this
world.. I am achieving amazing things, I am following my dreams and putting
myself out there, in a world I have isolated myself for so, so long.. Let me
have my chance, let me have my life back.. And if you can't be supportive of
the things I feel are needed, for me.. Then please understand that if I am
distancing you, it's for a reason.. I wouldn't distance someone for just any
reason. Some people, distance will work
for, some people I need to be away from altogether - and then there are my dear
friends and family that I can hold close and know they support and love me for
me, and know that I am doing good things for myself, finally.. Those people are
in my safe circle...And I know I am well protected, loved and well on my way to
achieving great things in life.. Someone suggested last Monday at an OA
meeting, that it's called detachment with love.

- Food, I am angry about food.. I see people putting anything they want in
their mouths, and inside I want that SO much.. My house is my safe zone, most
days.. Free from anything that tempts me..But I can't control the foods I see
and am surrounded by.. I can walk the street and smell bakery smells and
restaurant smells. I can go to a
friend's house and see a cake sitting on the counter.. I can be at work in the
staff lounge watching a co-worker eat a delicious smelling greasy pizza slice,
or I can be serving a resident a tray with cheesecake or some yummy sugary
dessert I long for.. Heck, walking through a grocery store, is aisles full of
temptation for me, watching television with commercial ads of temptations, or
even listening to someone's conversation almost always has a mention of food of
some sort... It's difficult, and it angers me.. Nothing anyone else does, it's
all within me.. My behaviours surface and I want to stuff my pockets full of
foods I can't have, or grab a plate of something and go hide and stuff my face
so fast I can barely chew it before I'm swallowing.. I find myself pacing,
sweating, obsessing in my mind, becoming self abusive, crying, or setting
myself up in some way to have a much worse day than I should have been having,
all because I felt I needed to do that to myself, for whatever reason.. It
helps keep me stuck, and it helps me have a reason to be angry within and chew
at all of this chaos I continue to hold close to me.. Damn food.. It isn't
something I can just quit, like other addictions.. Food surrounds me, food is a
necessity and food pisses me off.. Why can't I eat portions, normal portions,
at a normal pace ? Why can't I eat the delicious foods I long to eat so much
like anyone else ? Why have I done this to myself ? I am an emotional eater, I
am a boredom eater, I am an addictive eater, I am a binge eater........I am a
compulsive eater. I'm sick of the way I
feel like I am always depriving people in my life when they feel they cant eat
something because it might bother me.. I know they do this for my well being,
but I am overwhelmed with guilt.. I am also guilty because of they way I
overwhelm myself with tasks and then get all obsessive about everything.. Then,
I don't follow through with anything because it was too much.. I do these
things to myself, and it makes me crazy.. I get obsessive compulsive about
housework, and doing things a certain way, and I now become addicted to
recovery, and 'that' isn't healthy either..

- I push
myself hard, exercisewise.. Sometimes too hard.. Often, I don't do the
self-care necessary for hard, vigorous workouts.. Often I don't stretch and
take the necessary precautions.. I know better, but I try to fit so many things
into my day, I forget about the important things, or push them aside knowingly
is more like it.. Today, I sit here with a pulled muscle in my bum, from
working out way too hard 2 days in a row, and have amounted to no exercise
whatsoever today and quite possibly tomorrow.. So, what do I do? I sit here, bored in the same spot all day
because I can barely move, I am uncomfortable and I go into deep thought..
Thinking gets me in trouble sometimes, because of all of the things within from
my childhood, teen years, early adulthood up to today, that I haven't dealt
with at all through life.. It starts surfacing and I can't do anything that I
usually do to put this stuff at the back of my mind and stuff it all back
in. I'm left here sitting in my
thoughts, sniffling, trembling lip and playing pity party for one.. Then, I get
angry at myself for having done that.. SO, I decide enough is enough, it's time
to dig out the recovery books, questions, workbook and the laptop, and get as
comfortable as I can and start working through this...

- I have a lot of guilt from my past.. Between isolating myself from loved ones,
and things I loved doing.. From not being as much of a proactive parent as I
should have been.. For running myself down financially with my binging and
using bill money to do so... For not caring about my health, so much so that I
was literally killing myself with food, high blood pressure, pushing diabetes,
high cholestrol, you name it.. I didn't care about my appearance, self-care,
dressing up, looking presentable.. I didn't care about my weight, I weighed in
at 315 when I started this journey.. I would lie, hide my addiction, display my
behaviours, steal, had a horrible attitude towards people and did so many
unexplainable things I can't even really explain right now due to
embarrassment, guilt and not knowing "how" to deal with these things
just yet. I have lived life, thinking I
was a horrible person.. And I know that as I work the steps, I have to go back
and make amends with these people, and for the people that trigger me still, I
at least have to make amends with myself.. I need to forgive myself, even if
others can't forgive me.. I need to be honest, put it all out there for them -
and then I need to release these things behind me so I can move forward.. As I
work towards these steps, I get more and more nervous, scared and feeling lost
and lonely.. Not lonely because I have no one in my life for support, but
living with this disease feels like the most lonely place within sometimes.. I
feel like I can't explain my thoughts, my behaviours or the way I feel.. I feel
like I am constantly being watched, judged and misunderstood.. I feel like I
also know that this loneliness is brought on by myself, and is because I find
reasons to stay stuck in the disease still.. It's probably a matter of my
'stinkin' thinkin' and so here it is.. Everything out on the table. My angers, and what I need to work through
for the next while.

- I lastly, need to apologize.. I feel as though I am SO distant from my
friends and family who DO love and support me these days.. I hope this blog has
brought some understanding as to why I am not always available in the run of a
day.. I know, I used to be more available for phonecalls, and emails and forums
and the such.. I just feel like a
marshmallow by the end of the day, and sometimes once I complete my daily
things, deal with my high emotions, complete my work shift and spend time with
KC & the children, exercise, and the basics (shower, housework, meals,
laundry... ) it doesn't leave me a lot of time for anything else.. My days are
full, and that's necessary for my well-being right now.. I am strong and
willing, and have built my esteem high enough to know I am worth this fight
everyday.. I have to put my priorities first, and those are my priorities in a
nutshell.. I do my best to find that extra time.

SO for those of you who have known me a lifetime and see some major changes in
me, thank you for sticking by my side.. Thank you for understanding that I've
been sick for years, and please know that one day, I will probably approach you
with a heart to heart explanation of why I did the things I did, why I put
myself in such a predicament, and why I may have pushed you away or am
distancing you today.. Please, don't automatically fear I am distancing you..
If you are wondering, please ask me and I will squash any worries you have..
There are certain people in my life, who could probably look back over the
years and "know" within that they are being distanced for good
reason.. For the majority of the people in my life, it's a matter of my lack of
time..And needing to get myself where I need to be, just to have some ease in
my days.. This will be a lifetime commitment for me, I will never heal, but I
can develop a plan that will help me find some peace within, some ease in my
days and build a better relationship with appropriate foods..

And, I am very proud of myself and how far I have come.. I continue to dream
big, and chase those dreams.. I have some big news in the weeks to come, of
things I am doing for myself that are HUGE steps in my 39 years.. And I have a
long list of things I plan to achieve over the next while - because now I know
I can.. Fabulous words to say, and proof that this journey is exactly where I
need to be.. And I am always as available as I can be, when you need me..
Please approach me and know I will get back to you as soon as I can.. I love
helping people, and I am so passionate about this stuff and inspiring others
one day.. I've lived many years, scared to take that step and ask for help..
Whether about weight loss, self-esteem,
recovery, life improvements of any kind - come find me..