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Gordon Brown's Speech to Congress

Madam Speaker, Mr Vice President, distinguished members of Congress. You are all members of Congress, aren't you? Because some of you look a little young, and I'm sure I recognise that waiter from lunch.

I'm here because I love America [standing ovation]. I'm here because I want to tell you that the United States of America is a great beacon to the world [applause] and everyone in the world wants to be American [standing ovation]. I too always wanted to be American, but I had to make to with becoming leader of America's greatest ally [applause].

A few weeks ago Barack Obama become president. And the whole world was very excited. I was especially excited, and I was determined to be the first world leader to come and shake his hand. So naturally I was delighted to be the first European leader to come and shake his hand. It was a great affirmation of the Special Relationship.

Of course, lots of European leaders want to be your friends almost as much as I do. Some of them are boring and unpopular, like Mrs Merkel. Others are ridiculous and unpopular, like that French bloke. Then there's that mad Italian. But all of us, in our different ways, love America and love your shiny new president. So to all those leaders who, like me, were thrilled to watch Barack Obama become president, I have a simple message. First.

Today I want to remind you of some of the times Britain and America stood shoulder to shoulder. Like the War. [applause] There was also the Cold War [applause]. We saved Europe together. It was mainly you, of course [standing ovation] but we helped out a bit. That's what the special relationship is all about. And when the United States put a man on the moon, many people in Britain watched on TV. And felt a part of it. Because it wasn't really America's triumph at all, when you think about it, it was the whole world's triumph. So in a sense it was our triumph, a triumph of the special relationship. Just like the downfall of communism.

The bond between Britain and America is unbreakable. You may think you can walk out on us. But I'm here to tell you that we in Britain are not prepared to take a hint. Yes, Barack Obama couldn't spare as much time for me as he could for the Boy Scouts. But that's just him playing hard to get. If he didn't care so much he wouldn't go to so much trouble to humiliate me, would he? That's what I think, anyway.

You may think it's more important to have friends in places like Asia. But tell me this, do these countries share the same values, like we do? These were the values I learned from my father - who was a church of Scotland minister, incidentally, I don't know if I've ever mentioned that before. They were the values that Made America Great. Besides what did these other countries do in the war? I'm just saying.

This is a defining moment in history. The world faces a stark choice: to listen to my advice, or to face utter ruin and devastation. I don't need to tell you where the recession started. But together we can sort it out, by following my plan. Just as Roosevelt saved America in the 1930s, so America can save the world today. With a global new deal. A global new deal that I cunningly designed. Because that's how the special relationship is supposed to work: we come up with the clever ideas and you stump up the money. Just like during the war, when Britain and America stood shoulder to shoulder. Did I mention the war?

But it's not just a question of saving the world's financial system. Global poverty and climate change too are problems that demand a solution. My solution. America has always shown the world how to tackle such questions in the past: that is why you have no poor, uneducated people and your cars are famously energy-efficient. The whole world now looks to America to take a lead - and to me to tell you what to do. So listen very carefully. For if you all do exactly what I tell you to, you can be confident that the world will once again look at America and say: this is the greatest nation that there has ever been [standing ovation]. Thank you.

But seriously folks, standing next to a winner is only advisable if everything you say and do doesn't make you seem like a massive f*ckin loser. Poor Gordon. So much desire to be a leader, a statesman, a mover and shaker - and no real aptitude at all.