Gay in the military: "Things don't change overnight"

ANN FOSTERis a former Patriot-News photojournalist. She is gay, and enlisted in the U.S. Navy last year. She is now a fire controlman.

Q: What does this day (the repeal of “don’t ask, don’t tell”) mean to you?
A: We’ve known about it for a while now. I first found out the repeal passed when I was in boot camp, but in the last few weeks, everyone talked about it happening officially on Sept. 20. Some people made jokes like “you have to wait until Sept. 20 to be gay.” There are many people on my base who are gay. When the 20th came, it didn’t make a big impact on our day, but there was relief [“don’t ask, don’t tell”] was finally over.

Seaman Ann Foster

A few of us went out to have a drink to mark the event. It wasn’t a “Yay, we’re gay” night, but more of a quiet event. There’s still some apprehension about it. It kind of feels like we’re little mice and there’s this great big thing of cheese, and it sort of feels like a mousetrap. We know how fast things can change.
Q: Have you ever had issues with colleagues over your sexual orientation?
A: It’s a lot easier as a female being gay in the military than for males. In my barracks, we kind of joke around. But for guys, it’s about machismo. They still have to hide it a bit, and get picked on a lot more. People make gay jokes all the time — “yo homo” or “stop being such a fag,” but I don’t think they are meaning to be mean. You don’t get offended by it much.

You have to have a thick skin to be in the military. Think about boot camp — you learn to let things roll off your back. It’s interesting, though, because you wouldn’t make similar jokes about race.

We actually go through sensitivity training. We even had “don’t ask, don’t tell” training when I joined. We had our commanding officer talk about it and what the repeal meant, but lining up to go into the auditorium, there were lots of derogatory comments. More often, it’s younger people who don’t have much worldly experience who make the derogatory comments. I don’t feel singled out because of it. I don’t feel that I would be in any grave danger.

But I don’t say, for example, on my Facebook page that I have a girlfriend. I still feel nervous going out anywhere with my girlfriend on or near base. I’m anxious about holding her hand anywhere within the base. I don’t have to worry about being kicked out now, but I still feel uneasy. These things don’t change overnight.

Q: Do you plan to change anything as a result of the end of DADT?
A: While most people in the military probably say, “We know who is gay on base,” people are still skittish to come out and, especially, to say, “This is my boyfriend or girlfriend.”

For example, I would not bring my girlfriend to the Navy ball. I know it would still make people uncomfortable. Not necessarily my direct peers — they know who I am — but there is a worry that some person who is not as happy with the decision would get upset about it, and it would put attention on it.

The one thing you don’t want to do in any military environment is stand out for any negative or perceived negative reason. You don’t want to be the one person whose uniform is messed up or who speaks out of turn or who is known for doing the wrong thing. Not that it is the wrong thing, but it is still so fresh and new. In my opinion, it will be a long time before people really start coming out to say “my wife, my girlfriend, etc.”

Q: What advice do you have for others who are gay and might consider joining the military?
A: Everyone I’ve talked to — all over the country — the reason for joining is your own reason, but homosexuality isn’t a setback. Most people are cool with the fact that you are gay.

I met someone in boot camp who had never spoken to a gay person before. He asked me a bunch of random questions, but I took it as an opportunity to educate him. He knew me as a person before he realized I was gay. No one seems to have an issue working alongside gay people here. It’s stupid fears about working side by side with gay people. Everyone here gets along to get the job done.

There are lots of sacrifices joining the military, but I would never say you might want to reconsider because you are gay. There are leaders on my base who are gay. They have been through so much, but are great role models.

Q: If so many in the military were supportive of the change, why do you think it took so long?
A: It’s like everything else in the military: It takes a long time. There are 30 million forms for everything. Nothing happens in a flash. Nothing happens the next day. You have to take your time. You know that if it’s worth fighting for, you make sure it gets done.

I definitely feel the whole repeal of DADT took so much effort by so many people because there were so many opportunities for bureaucracy to stonewall it. I cannot fathom the amount of effort it took to get this done. It’s astounding to think they worked so hard for so long. We are equal in name now, but not in practice.

Q: Anything else you would like to add?
A: One of my roommates in the Navy is trying to get dependency papers. She and her girlfriend are taking care of kids, but she’s not officially the guardian. If she were a man or married, it wouldn’t be an issue. But since these aren’t her kids and she isn’t married, she has to do extra steps to get the same type of funding and things they need. It would never be an issue for a straight couple. They’ve been together for four years.

One of the main things we figured out is that nothing has changed at all except the military can’t kick you out for being gay. You still can’t necessarily bring your partner with you overseas or get off-base housing or get extra living allowances for spouses or kids.

Repealing “don’t ask, don’t tell” was a major step. But we still have a lot to fight for. We’re still not treated as equal.