The Mayor of New York City Should Be an Actual Train

It seems like the only option we have.

Like many New Yorkers, I think it’s unfair that, despite living in the city with the best transit in America, Mayor Bill De Blasio rides around in a car like some kind of “person from anywhere else in the country.”

Frankly, I’m sick of it. It’s time New Yorkers elected as their mayor not just someone who rides the trains, but An Actual Train.

De Blasio can’t relate to everyday New Yorkers, stuck with crumbling MTA infrastructure, endless delays, and frustrating closures. But An Actual Train can.

If you want a mayor who’s as frustrated as you are when the train is delayed or shut down, An Actual Train is the only answer. It’s crushing for An Actual Train to sit, unused, in a train yard. Even though the train yard is where trains get to hang out with other trains, eventually the trains all get annoyed with each other. I can relate because my kids don’t like to be around me too much.

Furthermore, An Actual Train, unlike Bill De Blasio, is super cool and never talks. Whereas politicians say lies, trains say only “choo-choo” and “chuga-chuga” and “stand clear of the closing doors, please.”

If my kids had grown up with An Actual Train leading the city, maybe they’d be more polite and would stop hanging up on me when I call them to talk about trains.

Personally, my favorite part about trains is how they are trains and not people. People let you down, but trains only let you down in a different way, and it’s never personal.

People might argue that An Actual Train would only vote in the interest of trains, to which I would say that there are many different types of trains and it’s unfair to consider them a monolith. But trains are all very different, from the trustworthy and reliable heavy rail train or the modern and progressive high speed rail train. If electing An Actual Train, New Yorkers would have many choices of canditrains.

Another cool kind of train is the model train. I don’t think a model train would be a very good mayor because someone might accidentally step on it. But I just wanted to put the information about model trains out there. Please contact me directly if you would like to further discuss model trains because my children have made it clear they don’t want to hear it.

Don’t settle for a mayor who doesn’t ride trains, or even one who does ride trains. Let the trains be in charge. They are trains. Trains.