Beer rules. Do you have any?

Edit: I've altered my original post in order to spare a bit of boredom for the reader. If anyone hankers to sit through the original post, it's been quoted below. Here goes:

As a long time beer drinker, I've had various rules for choosing a beer over the years. Today, there are so many great beers that there is no way to be anything other than sort of precious when declaring one beer better than the next. I live in Oregon, so have access to all the Washington and California beers as well. My cup runneth over. I've had to update my rules for choosing/praising beers. The rules aren't hard and fast, but guide my decisions. Here are my latest rules:

1. I believe a person should be able to drink at least a six-pack of any great beer before he/she has had too much. Now, lightweights might be excluded here, but if the alcohol content is so high that I'm tapping out after 3 beers, then I'm not a big fan no matter how good the beer tastes.
2. With so many great beers available, if the cost of a 22oz bottle is too far north of $4 then you're just wasting money. The six pack price point is somewhere around $8. A cost per ounce rule applies.
3. Arguing over IPAs is not unlike arguing over politics and religion.
4. The Europeans may have mastered beer, but we recreated it. Buy American.
5. Bottled/canned beer has to establish the bench mark by which all beers are compared because only a limited few drinkers can get to said ale house, during said limited release, during said season, when said brewmaster got everything right. If you had some great beer, at some pub that only made one barrel, please don't disparage the $4 bottle of beer you're drinking out of my fridge.

This post is long-winded because tonight I've had the following three 22oz beers for the first time, imbibed in this order:

As a long time beer drinker, I've had various rules for choosing a beer. Here are some of the rules I've had over the years:

-When poor, I had to be able to buy at least 8 beers for the equivalent of an hour's pay in order to put a beer on my list. I used to believe that a man should be able to get buzzed/drunk in exchange for an hour of hard labor. Still do actually.

-When on a health kick, I bought beer based on the sugar to alcohol to calorie content. Most alcohol to calorie usually won out. Taste almost be damned. Yeah, Amstel light used to taste good.

-In grad school, and while mostly broke, I calculated the price of beer by ounce, and alcohol by ounce, and bought in the most valued quantities. Now taste played some kind of factor, as I would never drink ice beers or any other malt beverage.

Now, I've had a long history with micro brewing. I grew up in the Northwest. And I'm old enough to remember/experience the genesis of the craft beer movement. Today, there are so many great beers, there is no way to be anything other than precious when declaring one beer better than the next. I live in Oregon, so have access to all the Washington and California beers as well. My cup runneth over. I've had to update my rules for choosing/praising beers. Here are my latest rules:

1. I believe a person should be able to drink at least a six-pack of any great beer before he/she has had too much. Now, lightweights might be excluded here, but if the alcohol content is so high that I'm tapping out after 3 beers, then I'm not a big fan no matter how good the beer tastes.
2. With so many great beers available, if the cost of a 22oz bottle is too far north of $4 then you're just wasting money. The six pack price point is somewhere between $8 and $9. Essentially my old cost per ounce rule is still applies.
3. Arguing over IPAs is not unlike arguing over politics and religion.
4. The Europeans may have mastered beer, but we recreated it. Buy American.
5. Bottled/canned beer has to establish the bench mark by which all are compared because only a limited few can get to said ale house, during said limited release, during said season, when said brewmaster got everything right. If you had some great beer, at some pub that only made one barrel, then don't disparage the $4 bottle of beer you're drinking out of my fridge.

This post is long-winded because tonight I've had the following three 22oz beers for the first time, imbibed in this order:

OP, we have verrrrry different viewpoints on this. Though we may still enjoy the same beer, many of the beers I enjoy would break all of your rules. I buy what i want to try, and don't limit myself to rules that prevent me from trying something new.

"Any wheel size is better than sitting at a computer all day." -Myself

Wife's rule to me: Never buy Dogfish Fort and consume the entire bottle solo in an evening. Long story short...drank an entire bottle myself and apparently babbled on and on about nothing (which annoyed the **** out of my wife). I don't recall a good 2-3 hours of that evening. Fort rocked my world.

I also condone drinking an entire 750ml of Black Tuesday, by yourself, in a dark room as a feasible option.

Oh I've had stages in my life where these were my rules. I'm older now. I've matured Sort of. My unwritten rule is I have the right to change rules based on the context of my surroundings at the time I crack my first beer.

1. I believe a person should be able to drink at least a six-pack of any great beer before he/she has had too much. Now, lightweights might be excluded here, but if the alcohol content is so high that I'm tapping out after 3 beers, then I'm not a big fan no matter how good the beer tastes.

Sorry, you are wrong here. Good beer is about good taste and many times that involves a higher percentage of alcohol. I am not saying it always has to be high alcohol content, but a great Barely wine or Stout (and many other varieties) can be well north of 10%. If you feel the need to drink a whole six pack at once you are bordering on alcoholism. Good beer is about quality NOT quantity.

2. With so many great beers available, if the cost of a 22oz bottle is too far north of $4 then you're just wasting money. The six pack price point is somewhere around $8. A cost per ounce rule applies.

Again Quality over quantity, yes many bombers are under $4, but there are many over that price that are worth every single penny.

3. Arguing over IPAs is not unlike arguing over politics and religion.

I can agree with you here, most IPA's are overrated hop bombs and lack the complexity of other styles.

4. The Europeans may have mastered beer, but we recreated it. Buy American.

You have obviously never had Cantillion Gueuze or an Epic Belgium Quad. Try and broaden your horizons, there is more out there than IPA.

5. Bottled/canned beer has to establish the bench mark by which all beers are compared because only a limited few drinkers can get to said ale house, during said limited release, during said season, when said brewmaster got everything right. If you had some great beer, at some pub that only made one barrel, please don't disparage the $4 bottle of beer you're drinking out of my fridge.

I'll preface this with what I'm currently drinking disqualifies rule numero dos in my book. It happens to be a 25.4oz bottle of Brewery Ommegang "The art of darkness" (8.4%). $15.95 in Nashville, TN and not available in Chattanooga, TN. However........Yazoo Brewing's "Sue"(9.4%) could be a fantastic example of your 2nd rule coming in just under $5.00 for a 25.4oz and bursting with goodness.

The only rules in my house are between my wife and I:
1- Beer I buy for myself, is mine only. The wife must supply her own as I will not freely share.
2- Beer she buys for herself receives a 1 month restraining order. After that, well; she was warned....
3- If you are not the purchaser of said beer, you are entitled to a sip of the forbidden nectar to determine future purchases.
4.-If at any time rule 1 is ignored, rule 2 is also ignored and all beer is transferred to a super secret location with a super secret hidden mini fridge.

She's drinking Newcastle "Werewolf" tonight. She's on her third one. She bought the six pack 13.75 days ago.

On why I'm so ridiculous...

As the OP, I think now is a good time to come back in and clarify a few things--misconceptions that are all my fault for choosing my words lazily. My “rules” represent a method for confronting a world where I have 300 choices when I enter the store. These “rules” are dictated by a philosophy—which, by the very nature of any philosophy, requires many words to adequately explain. So I beg your patience.

To accept, or at least entertain, my “rules”, one must understand how I define “beer drinking”. True beer drinking is a communal activity and requires some sort of “event”. This may be a stop at the corner bar to visit with the neighbors, maybe watching live music, a barbeque, a party, sporting event, or at the very least a movie or sporting event on television. Activities such as these require time. Large chunks of it. Real beer drinking is more marathon than sprint. If I had to put a clock on it, I’d say true beer drinking requires three hours on average. Some good company is mandatory as well. Over the course of these three hours, the drinker must inebriate themselves somewhere North of a mild buzz, but also somewhere South of drunkenness. Why drink unless it’s to allow the alcohol to take affect?

Now, pairing beer with food, having a beer while completing a task at home, or having one beer before bedtime is, according to my philosophy, not beer drinking. Oh, these are perfectly fine and wonderful endeavors, but I categorize these activities differently. And often alter my purchases accordingly. Also, I consider beer to be a working-class beverage. It has to be affordable.

So let’s apply this to the rules I laid out in the previous post:

1. The six pack rule. In three hours time, this means I’m having two beers per hour. Hardly alcoholic territory. If I’m drinking a beer too high in alcohol content, I’m done after hour one, or hour two at the latest. That’s no fun. For me, my body size and metabolism, an ABV of between 6-7% works best to achieve the desired buzz. I didn’t mean to imply that stronger beers aren’t delicious. However, the closer the ABV gets to 10% or above, the less I consider it beer. It starts trending towards wine, and in some cases, hard alcohol. For example, Barleywine is not beer. Technically yes, but not by my philosophy. Too many beerficianados equate ABV to excellence.
2. The cost rule. It's not that I don't occasionally splurge on expensive beer. However, more than half the time I do, I end up thinking of a half dozen other less expensive beers that I would have enjoyed either nearly as much, as much, or more. Stouts are my favorite style of beer. I can get any number of great ones under my cost rules. Take IPA's. I can get both Ninkasi's Total Domination or a 10 Barrel IPA for under $4 per bomber. Now I'm not going to sit an argue with others that these are the world's greatest IPA's, but man are they good and make me plenty happy. Which leads to the next rule...
3. Don't argue IPA's. There's so many great ones, so different in their complexities, that it's often the palate of the drinker that matters more than the beer. The beerficianados focus too much on high ABV and IBU.
4. Buy American rule. I've had plenty of European beers. Many great ones, though I admit to lacking as much knowledge as I should concerning European offerings. American crafters are doing great things in all styles of beers, not just sessions. Generally they are cheaper and fresher than the Euro beers in the store where I do most my shopping. Obviously, I would gladly drink almost any beer, but experimentation lies outside of my core philosophy on "beer drinking".

On the way out the door, I would like to say I hope everyone who reads this knows I understand how completely and utterly ridiculous this all is. But hey, I've read/taken part in stupider, more foolish, and nearly as long-winded, argue-fests over pedals in these forums. Beer is the perfect place for this kind of foolishness.

OP, limiting yourself to American session beers is pretty cute. Do you drink them with a sippy cup or a bendy straw?

I have a bunch of beer rules. It just depends on which drinking game I'm playing.

Ah, thanks to you I realize my philosophy is a "sessions" style philosophy, and like everything else I learn on the internet about any philosophy I think I've come to through experience, I've learned the monks invented this philosophy a thousand years ago. Anyways, my sessions require a beer between 6-7% abv.

Hey, at least you got this far. Did I lose you because you don't like to associate yourself with the working class, or because you believe this hasn't traditionally been the case?

Originally Posted by bluestatevirgin

Ah, thanks to you I realize my philosophy is a "sessions" style philosophy, and like everything else I learn on the internet about any philosophy I think I've come to through experience, I've learned the monks invented this philosophy a thousand years ago. Anyways, my sessions require a beer between 6-7% abv.

The fact that you consider beer to be a "working-class" beverage means you need to learn more about beer. Beer is often harder to make and more expensive per oz. than wine. Does that mean wine is working class too?

And I doubt you can kill a sixer of 7% beer without violating your first rule. Unless you can make your way through 8 shots without feeling like you've had too much. In which case I stand corrected.

FYI most monk-brewed trappist beers aren't session beers (defined as having 5% ABV or less.) Their beer was initially brewed for sustenance, and then for money.

So this thread has proven fruitful to me in the end. I realize now, as a long-time beer drinker--one who has tested so many thousands of beers--that I've never really studied the language of beer because, instead, I drink and study mountain bike forums. Thanks to this thread/forum I see that my philosophy falls under a specific category and that's "sessions" style beer. Though I knew my philosophy was nothing new or special, I only now have learned that my version of "sessions" is quite a bit stronger than what has been traditionally considered a sessions beer. So if a sessions beer is traditionally 4-5% ABV, I'm between 6-7%. Really, the only perspective my views can bring is that a great beer should cost a person around $4 per bomber and $8 per six-pack. And that the minimum wage should be at least $8 per hour so a person can go buy a sixer of fine beer for an hour's work (actually more if I'm making a political argument).

Let my thread stand as evidence for why a person should learn more about beer terminology:

The fact that you consider beer to be a "working-class" beverage means you need to learn more about beer. Beer is often harder to make and more expensive per oz. than wine. Does that mean wine is working class too?

And I doubt you can kill a sixer of 7% beer without violating your first rule. Unless you can make your way through 8 shots without feeling like you've had too much. In which case I stand corrected.

FYI most monk-brewed trappist beers aren't session beers (defined as having 5% ABV or less.) Their beer was initially brewed for sustenance, and then for money.

1. I don't want to argue what is or isn't working class, but my simple definition is that at some point a beer gets so expensive that a working class person begins dipping into college funds, house payments, vehicle repair funds, or retirement in order to purchase. For me that point is $4 bomber or $8 six pack in the grocery store.

2. I don't know all the brewer's terminology, but I've been beer drinking long enough and often enough to have had as many varieties as the next drinker.

3. I can drink 8 shots over the course of 3 to 4 hours, as is the definition of sessions drinking. No problem. But I did say between 6-7% abv. As I stated, my version of a "session" requires more than a mild buzz and less than drunkeness. Give me 4 hours to drink 8 shots, again, no problem. I don't think that's unusual.

4. I was being sarcastic about the monks. I should have used an emoticon. But if the monks were brewing for sustenance, they were brewing for the working class.

I'll preface this with what I'm currently drinking disqualifies rule numero dos in my book. It happens to be a 25.4oz bottle of Brewery Ommegang "The art of darkness" (8.4%). $15.95 in Nashville, TN and not available in Chattanooga, TN. However........Yazoo Brewing's "Sue"(9.4%) could be a fantastic example of your 2nd rule coming in just under $5.00 for a 25.4oz and bursting with goodness.

The only rules in my house are between my wife and I:
1- Beer I buy for myself, is mine only. The wife must supply her own as I will not freely share.
2- Beer she buys for herself receives a 1 month restraining order. After that, well; she was warned....
3- If you are not the purchaser of said beer, you are entitled to a sip of the forbidden nectar to determine future purchases.
4.-If at any time rule 1 is ignored, rule 2 is also ignored and all beer is transferred to a super secret location with a super secret hidden mini fridge.

She's drinking Newcastle "Werewolf" tonight. She's on her third one. She bought the six pack 13.75 days ago.

Not that I'm counting.

These are excellent rules, except for number 2. I would give it two full weekends or two weeks at most.

Threw a large party many years ago. Bought three 50 gal drums, the kind made out of paper. They colapse in a couple days and you can throw them out. No I was not into the keg hastle and foam and pumping etc.

Drum #1 had Bohemia-bohemian? I forget but pricy and yummy.
Drum#2 Henry weinharts private reserve.
Drum#3 Freakin HAMMS in a can MMMMMYUMMY.

Right around midnight there was no beer left but the Hamms drum full to the top. By barely still dark we
were out of Hamms. It was fun, and funny, and a big part of the laughs.

Accept for the two day hangover.

I refuse to discriminate, only beer I don't prefer is the molassis kind.