Ryan Seacrest reportedly brokered a date between Justin Bieber's mom (whose name is almost literally Patty Melt) and Bachelor host Chris Harrison. (Anyone else enjoy thinking about the phrase "Bachelor host" like a Bachelor is some sort of parasite and Chris Harrison is its host? And the Bachelor lays eggs in Chris Harrison's head once a year, and then every season they erupt fully formed in a torrent of pus from a large cranial boil and lo, the Bachelor cast is born? No? Just me? W-evs.) Anyway, it's just a coupla fully-grown pseudo-celebrities getting together to enjoy their bodies under the light of the autumn moon. And apparently it went great. Here's the full rundown:

Biebs' mom, Pattie Mallette, tweeted, "Had a great night w @chrisbharrison! Thanks @ryanseacrest for setting it up," to which Seacrest responded with, "Does he get a rose?" Oh, that Ryan.

So what did their night consist of? A Bieber concert, duh! What else would they do?

'Kay. Hey, "never thinking about this story again"—will you accept this rose? [E!]

Linda Hogan was arrested in Malibu Thursday morning on suspicion of driving under the influence. She was booked into jail but quickly released on $5,000 bail. Her rep issued a statement, which, refreshingly, sounds like it could actually be the truth:

Linda's rep told TMZ that she was on her way from from a jewelry function where she drank a glass of champagne on an empty stomach, which didn't combine well with the antibiotics she is on. Her rep also says that Linda was initially pulled over for speeding.

TMZ reports that Linda's citation listed her blood alcohol level as .084. (The legal limit in California is .08.)

Usually I think celebrities are entitled, responsibility-dodging liars, but that story is shockingly plausible. Add two to three more glasses of 'pagne and color me convinced. Not that it excuses getting drunk and speeding down PCH, celebrity dicks—but I'm just relieved she didn't claim mercury poisoning, demonic possession, and/or borrowed cocaine-pants. Baby steps. [Us]

Jessica Biel would like you to know that she is no Bridezilla:

Biel didn't mention J.T. during her remarks, but told E! News on the carpet that she is no "bridezilla" when it comes to planning their wedding. "I'm just pretty much cool as a cucumber in general in my life," she said. "So no, I'm cool."

And Jennifer Garner would like you to know that Jessica Biel is monitoring your Spanx:

"I know Jessica to be a true girl's girl," Garner said. "She's the kind of girl who will check that you don't have lipstick on your teeth and your Spanx aren't sticking out. She has got your back."

And then Jessica Biel would like you to know that she is going to Single-White-Female the SHIT out of Jennifer Garner:

In thanking Garner, Ms. Biel said, "You're one of those magical women who can be everywhere and do everything and make it all look so easy.

"There's a fine line between admiring someone and creepily wanting to actually be them," she continued. "And I feel like I'm constantly walking that line with you."

Tig Notaro's incredible Largo set is now available on Louis CK's website. Get it. [Splitsider]

The bloodfeud between Mariah Carey and Nicki Minaj might be real and it might be fake and basically we will never know. [E!]

Saved By the Bell: Where are they now??? Well, where do you last remember having them? Did you check the couch cushions? Did you take them with you to the bathroom at the restaurant last night? Well I don't know why you would take the Saved by the Bell cast to the bathroom with you—but why does ANYONE DO ANYTHING!?!? I'm just trying to help here. Seriously, cut the 'tude. [CNN]

Kristin Cavallari says that giving birth "hurt like a bitch." Weird, because I always heard it feels like biting into a freshly-baked snickerdoodle. [Us]

Justin Bieber rode around on an indoor Segway, because he's too famous to do his own walking. [E!]

Katie Holmes wears the clothes she likes to wear, except for sometimes when she wears other clothes that she also likes! THIS CANNOT STAND. [E!]

Gwyneth Paltrow says that turning 40 was "much more exciting than I anticipated." The reason? SNAKES!!!!! [Us]