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SCHOOL HALLWAY, empty. Bell rings. EXTRAS, KEITH, MARK and EMILY enter stage left, EXTRAS and DANNY enter stage right. MARK and EMILY are holding hands, and go to EMILY's locker at the end of the "hall". KEITH goes to his locker, and shoves DANNY to get to it. KEITH says something inaudible, and DANNY gives him the stink-eye when KEITH has turned away. EVERYBODY ends up at a locker, and the scene freezes. RICHARD walks on stage.

(addressing audience)
Hi, I'm Richard, and welcome, to Molly Ringwald College. I'll be your protagonist this evening. Be wary: this play may or may not contain swear words, random insanity and violence. So be sure to film it and put it on Youtube later. Also, if you have a phone in here, please turn it off. Otherwise, one of our actors will come, retrieve it, and start prank calling your friends. You've been warned.

This is Danny. He is, unfortunately, my best friend. He's hornier than a steroidal Bulgarian horse in an Amsterdam burlesque house. And for those of you who don't catch my drift, he's just plain horny. To say the least, he's got issues. I even think that...
(reaches into DANNY's pocket)
yep!
(pulls hand out, and line of Trojan condoms come out)
He's been carrying these around since the seventh grade.
(looks at them)
Oh no, they've expired.
(shoves them back into pocket)
He also has a lack of filter. I know, I know, that's kind of normal these days, but most people at least shut up at some point.

Long answer? The long answer is that I've had a crush on Emily
(walks over to her)
since the seventh grade. To be honest, Danny and I hit puberty at roughly the same time. I dealt with it... differently. Emily is everything I want in a woman. She's funny, she's hot, she's intelligent. (walks back to original spot) Unfortunately, however, her intelligence is... limited.

She doesn't seem to notice her boyfriend's gay. (Makes gesture at Mark) Hey, I have no issue with gay people. Neil Patrick Harris is gay, and he's awesome. But not being able to know that this
(flicks wrist)
is gay? Seriously?

That, my dear ladies and gents, is the token town bicycle. It's name: Stephanie. She has got to have flirted with every boy in this school. EXCEPT Danny. It's driving him crazy that the one girl in the school that he wants to get with, won't even give him the time of day. Which reminds me.

Didn't I already explain this to you? Stephanie is the only one in this school with low enough standards. There is no one else, even the fat chicks. The only possible way I could loose my virginity before I graduate is by getting with her.

This, is Keith. He is, for lack of a better word, an asshole. I want to hit him so badly some times, that my fists are red. I want to knock his teeth out. I want to reenact the final scenes of Macbeth with his head. Lets just hope that Danny doesn't open his mouth.

Note the main resons why Keiths head never does end up on a pike, which Danny always seems to completely ignore. 1) He's twice my size. 2) He has the whole force of the football team behind, the fucker. and 3) his uncle is an MMA fighter, and has taught this little grasshopper well. Note, the superior arc of his fist through the air. Note, the proper stance. Note, the startled look on Danny's face. Yeah, this is gonna hurt.

ACTION RESUMES. DANNY gets punched in the face, and falls down and doesn't get up at first. KEITH looks at RICHARD, who slowly takes a step back. KEITH then walks off. The school bell rings, and the hall basically empties. RICHARD tries getting DANNY up.

That, was Maurice. Thankfully, he's adopted. My dad works at a mental hospital, and this... kid... was one of his patients. When he was certain Maurice was stable, he was going to allow him to rejoin the general public, but then his parents ditched him. So now he lives with us. Great!

This other little shit, is Robbie. He's actually related to me. I don't know how, I don't know why, but he is (Shivers) family. However, he is the more sane of the two. He's also convinced my parents I'm gay. If they'd just care to look under my mattress, they'd see I'm not!

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SCENE is a classroom with 15 sets of tables and chairs, with a teachers desk. The students face stage left and the teacher's desk faces stage right. Full cast minus Maurice and Robbie plus extras come in from stage left, further upstage than the teacher's desk. CLASS mingles around, chatting. RICHARD is hanging out with DANNY, STEPHANIE, TOMMY, KEITH and MARK are standing in one corner chatting, APRIL is in one corner sitting at her desk in an emo state, and EMILY is setting up her books for the class.

Alright. Now, Mr. Hughes told me you were about to start a project. However, he then passed out from the pain, so I guess I'll just have to make one up and grade you on that. I'm going to separate you into groups of two, and assign you each a short story from my personal library to read and examine. You will hand in, for each group, a one thousand word essay.

Let me introduce our final two players, if you will. This, is Tommy. He is our stereotypical jock. Because it just isn't a teen comedy if you don't have one. While no one has any definitive proof, I'm pretty certain he's using steroids. He has anger management issues.

And that, is April Showers. She is part of that movement sweeping the nation as of late: the emo. Granted, I would be too, with a name like hers. April Showers. God, that's just some really cruel humor. Word is, her parents are rich, and wanted to have one of those really preppy girls with the sundresses and giggles, so gave her a really flowery name. Guess that kinda backfired. Anyways, those two there are mortal enemies. It's fun to watch them go at each other.

Emily will be with Richard. And the rest of you guys are extras. Nobody really gives a damn about you guys, so just pair off and we can get on with the play. I'll be coming around in a few minutes with your short stories.

Hello beautiful! (gets down on one knee) Will you marry me? No, I know, I know. I've thought of it too, and I realized we could just get someone to kill Mark so we can go on with our lives. (Gets back up) What do you say?

Actually, we can't at my place. My mom will probably still be hungover from last night. (RICHARD is quizzical) It was wednesday. She goes to the club every wednesday. and thursday. and friday. Saturday. Sunday. Monday.

That's YOUR regular Wednesday porn watch, where you come over to my place to watch crappy pornos on my big screen because Wednesday is the one night your parents are in and mine aren't. and no, I can't. Emily is coming over to work on the project.

Dear Richard, in case your not-a-date with Emily isn't going so well, here is a water bottle that may or may not have been laced with ecstasy. Let's just say I know a guy who knows a guy. Your good buddy, Danny. (inspects bottle) Why the hell is it half finished?

It's just that, I've been feeling lonely recently. Mark doesn't seem interested anymore. He's always hanging with his friends, going to Euphoria, skinny dipping in his pool, having sleepovers. And then here was someone who felt the same for completely different reasons, and I tried to take advantage of that. I'm sorry. It won't happen again.

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DEAN's office. There is a desk and two chairs in front of it. A motivational poster hangs on the back. DEAN is sitting in his chair, laptop open. Sex noises are coming from the laptop. DEAN is touching himself above the pants.