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Sex Sent Me To The ER: Three’s A Crowd

Meet Pedro and Noriko. They’ve been together for four years after meeting at a local comedy club where they each participate in open mic night.

Wait, hold on. That’s not Pedro and Noriko. This is Pedro and Noriko. The puppet is Clarence. You’ll want to remember Clarence.

Pedro’s had his eye on Noriko for a while, and after she and Clarence bomb their stand-up set one night, Pedro tries to cheer Noriko up by saying he thought they were really good and funny. Noriko, well, Clarence accepts the compliment and asks Pedro if he wants to buy Noriko a drink. Pedro does, but he also finds it weird that Clarence is doing all of the talking. They drink, the night progresses, and they head on back to Pedro’s place to “Netflix and chill”, as the kids say.

They’re in bed and Noriko asks if Pedro would mind if she “invited a friend” to join them. Pedro is ready to run through a brick wall like the Kool-Aid Man to make this happen. “YES! Sure. A girl. Yeah, CALL ‘EM UP!”

Noriko: “It’s not a she.”

/record scratch

Pedro, quite deflated at this revelation, is still ready to do whatever it takes so he reluctantly agrees and tells Noriko to call her dude.

Noriko: “Well, there’s no one to call. He’s been watching the whole time.”

Oh god.

It’s Clarence!

Pedro, a man who has seen his chances at a threesome go from two girls and himself, to one girl/another dude and himself, is now faced with a one girl/one guy/one puppet dilemma. Isn’t that always how it happens? Classic. Noriko promises that Clarence only wants to do some “gentle touching”, some “light stroking” – haha no she’s just kidding, she only wants to put Clarence on the bed so he doesn’t feel lonely. Only. Pedro is so committed to crossing the finish line of this race, he is willing to take the route that runs right down Avenue Q.

Clarence gets tucked into bed. Pedro and Noriko get back to business. Clarence stares. And stares. Where is your other hand, Clarence? Show me both of your hands.

Distracted and unable to focus on the task at hand, Pedro suggests a change of positions and Noriko flips off the lights. All reset and ready to go, Pedro jumps back into bed, then immediately screams in pain. Noriko scrambles for the light switch and once the lights are back on she finds OH GOD CLARENCE WHAT HAVE YOU DONE.

The metal rod that controls the puppeteering of Clarence’s arm has become impaled in Pedro’s upper thigh. Pedro wants Noriko to pull the rod out, but Noriko is worried about Pedro bleeding all over Clarence. They call 911 and the very entertained EMTs decide a hospital trip is necessary because Clarence might’ve hit Pedro’s femoral artery.

At the hospital, the World’s Greatest [actor portraying a] Doctor comes in and asks what seems to be the problem. Now, I did not attend med school nor the Hollywood Upstairs Medical College, but I’m pretty sure a muppet mounted on a man’s crotch is a good starting point, Doc.

Pedro doesn’t want to confess that he was “shanked doin’ a threesome with a puppet” and glares at Noriko to get her to explain. Noriko tells the doctor she doesn’t know what happened. GIRL. If the person you intended to sleep with ends up in the hospital because of your own dang puppet, you gotta own up to that. That’s cold. Real cold. Pedro, resigned in defeat, admits to the doctor what happened in hopes of getting Clarence removed from his leg quicker.

Noriko wants to make sure he’ll be okay and asks the doctor if he’s gonna make it. Aww, that’s sweet. Oh wait, she means Clarence. The doctor promises to protect Clarence by getting him a hospital gown to keep the blood off of him. As for Pedro, he’s getting a CT scan or some shit who cares this is about Clarence’s needs right now.

While waiting on the CT results to find out whether or not the rod pierced Pedro’s femoral artery, Pedro and Noriko make up and decide to go out again. The doctor returns, confirms the good news, and yanks out the rod. A couple of stitches later and both Pedro and Clarence are back to normal.

The moral of the story? Leave your puppet on the couch when it comes to sexytime. Or switch to hand puppets. It’s up to you.