...For the Sin of Sexual Immorality

Silence may be golden, but not when abuse is involved.

Karen's older brother told her that there was nothing wrong with him touching her body. And he seemed to know a lot more at age 14 than she did at age six. This progressed gradually and steadily from touching above the clothes to actual rape that continued for years. Eventually Karen's older brother went on to get married and have a family, appearing just fine to nearly everyone in the community. He left his younger sister, now in her late twenties, emotionally, sexually and spiritually crippled.

There are 50 young women with backgrounds similar to Karen's in just one recently formed support group for women. They all grew up in Jewish homes and they have all been sexually abused. These are the ones who have the courage to step forward.

Thank God it is now beginning to come to light, and victims are starting to learn that they are not the only ones with this secret corrosive problem. We have the opportunity to take necessary constructive actions. Not only can we support those who are already victims, we can implement effective prevention education to stop the growth of abuse in our communities.

It's not only teenage older brothers or cousins with characteristically raging hormones who can become abusers. Approximately 80% of sexual abuse is committed by a trusted family member or family friend, with roughly 15% being committed by teachers, coaches, youth group leaders or clergy. Less than 5% of sexual abusers are strangers to their victims. This makes sense because gaining the trust of the victim is a prerequisite in the grooming process leading to sexual abuse occurring and not being reported.

Silence may be golden, but not when abuse is involved. Abuse thrives in silence.

Karen, at age six, needs to be taught that she has the right to say “No!” to any unwanted touch.

Karen, at age six, needs to be taught that she has the right to say “No!” to any unwanted touch -- even if it's from an older brother or an uncle. David, at age four, needs to be told that nobody should touch him in the private areas that are covered by his bathing suit, unless it is for health or hygienic purposes, no matter who the person is. Debbie, at age nine, needs to learn to tell a trusted parent as soon as possible if anybody attempts to touch her in a confusing way.

The Seventh Commandment

On Yom Kippur, a day when we face our transgressions, we read a portion of the Torah that explicitly delineates many sexually immoral acts. And every one of these immoral acts can be summarized by the seventh of the Ten Commandments, "Lo Teenof" (Exodus 20:13). It is usually translated narrowly as “Do not commit adultery,” but it is more broadly interpreted by most Torah commentators as “Do not engage in illicit sexual activities.”

It is interesting to observe that the Ten Commandments do not appear as one list of ten; they appear, instead, in two columns. The first five focus on the relationship between an individual and God, while the second five focus on the relationship between people, with the directive to honor parents being the perfect segue way between the two.

And each commandment between an individual and God corresponds to the directive that is in the parallel column, between individual people. So the seventh commandment against engaging in illicit sexual activity corresponds to the second one -- to not go after other gods. Engaging in idol worship involves surrendering one's self to powerful destructive forces, just as engaging in illicit sexual activities does as well

Someone who betrays the marital relationship betrays God as well. Engaging in illicit sexual activities basically comes down to demonstrating disregard for another's rights, and since we are all made in the image of God, each illicit act demonstrates a disregard for the reality of God as well.

Judaism is not about denying physical pleasures. It's about recognizing spirituality within physicality, thereby enhancing one's pleasure as much as possible. Every material blessing in our lives contains within it the potential to bring us to the greatest spiritual heights. Intimacy is a God-given gift, and when used to reinforce a sense of oneness and unity in marital relationships, it has the potential to simultaneously draw people closer to each other and closer to God.

Involvement in prostitution, pornography, incestuous relationships, molestation -- all abusive behaviors -- come under the umbrella of sexual immorality. Not only do these behaviors cause the perpetrators to deny their own spiritual essence, as well as that of the individual being victimized, they also cause the victim to lose sight of the connection to his or her spiritual essence.

We can see more clearly how this operates through focusing on one of the basest examples. A small and innocent child learns to trust from trusting those who are older, wiser, and bigger than he is. A child also learns to trust in God from trusting those older than him. When an adult or older teen in this child's life abuses him, he learns repeatedly not to trust in God because he feels that he is not being protected in the most intimate ways.

When a young person has been repeatedly abused, the child very often stops thinking of God as being loving. God comes to be viewed as unjust and cruel, like those he trusted who turned out, instead, to darken his life. Little by little, the child's image of God becomes drained of its light.

Thankfully, even when children are sexually abused, their spiritual essence can never be completely destroyed. The pure flame within can be dimmed, but no matter what, the indestructible spark remains in each child. That spark, that neshama, that spiritual essence is what we need to strive to recognize. And it is what the survivors of abusive, illicit relationships need to work hard to re-discover within themselves.

When we make a choice to follow our divine directions, instead of careening toward danger, we can be aroused to recognize the spiritual essence of every physical blessing. Through respecting and appreciating the Divine connection that we all share, we can achieve the greatest heights of genuine lasting pleasure.

Visitor Comments: 44

(44)
Debra Anne,
December 19, 2010 5:57 PM

Thank you Bracha

My whole childhood was full of sibling incest, physical and emotional abuse by my father....I had no one to tell as was beaten by both parents everytime I tried to get help for my four sisters and myself.
Proffessionals told us that incest by brothers was only expermentation and hardly incest, to get over it.
One child pychologist told us that childhood sexual abuse had no impact on adult life!
You are the first one who understands, so thank you.
May Hashem bless you.

(43)
leah k,
April 13, 2010 1:51 AM

PARENTS AND TEACHERS NEED TO READ THIS ARTICLE

parents need to read this article and look up the signs of their child being abused. many people are abused or molested and are blackmailed into keeping quiet. there are many convicted sexual offenders and child molesters at large in the jewish communities, but no one does anything because they dont believe that this person could do such a thing. my friend lives in an apartment complex where there was a man who would stand by the swingsets and look under little girl's skirts as they went down slides, or try to bribe kids to come to his apartment with him. baruch hashem nothing happened to her, but parents should be aware that these kind of things happen more than they would like to think. jewish schools also need to be aware of this, and teach to children from a young age that if anyone touches them in a private area then they should tell someone right away. i find that jewish schools completely skate over abuse. i only found out about rape at age 13. i am 15 now, and nothing has happened to me. but if chas v'shalom at age 5 or younger someone had abused me, i would have been scared to tell, and i wouldn't have known what they were doing. parents need to tell their children to say NO to someone who approaches them.
this article should be posted on the internet, not just on aish. people need to know.

(42)
Anonymous,
October 19, 2009 12:51 AM

protect his children!

I can believe that Karen's brother is a perfect pillar of the community, putting on a perfect show. But I don't believe that he stopped his physical abuse on innocent victims just because he is married! Please be careful and aware of , and for, his children! PLease make sure no one is suffering in an ongoing situation that Karen went through.

(41)
little sheep,
October 18, 2009 8:18 PM

trauma therapy

someone commented that you should run from a therapist who insists that you tell your story. as someone with a lot of experience with therapists, i'd tell you BEWARE of anyone knocking a specific type of therapy. different people respond to different treatments. a lot of problems in therapy can be avoided if you realize that the problem is not necessarily related to the type of therapy you are in.
telling the story of what happened is a VERY important part of treatment for MANY people! however, it must be done with the proper preparation. make sure you have the skills you need to keep yourself safe and not get retraumatized by the telling of your story. this may include learning grounding techniques, mindfulness skills and or relaxation techniques.

(40)
Anonymous,
October 7, 2009 2:02 PM

Recovery

When I was a small child, I was abused by a family friend. I chose to tell a close relative, who harshly accused me of making up stories. (The latter may have caused more damage than the former, and it was decades before I was able to share the story again, as part of my healing process.) Baruch Hashem, there's a lot of gold buried below what happened to me, and that has emerged as I have actively dealt with this and other challenges from my life. Thanks for the great article, both bringing attention to this problem, as well as pointing out that the beautiful spark within children can't be extinguished.

(39)
Kiva,
October 7, 2009 9:09 AM

Please stop referring to "hormones"

There seems to be a huge misunderstanding regarding sexual abuse. I have seen so many comments that refer to "raging hormones". Sexual abuse is NOT about hormones, raging or otherwise. It is a mental illness. It leads to criminal behavior. And it is nearly impossible to "cure" the perpetrator of these crimes. If it were merely a case of hormones, a cure would be easy. It's not. Some people become sexual preditors due to having been sexaully assaulted themselves. For some there are other reasons. But it is never a case of out-of-control hormones. I think understanding this is very important to our community. A child molester looks like everyone else, acts like everyone else in public, and speaks like everyone else in public. They don't look out of control. They don't look demented, possessed, or otherwise stand out in any way. They look like us, in all the forms we take. Please understand that you can't tell by looking at somebody, or testing somebody's hormone levels. Something went terribly wrong in the mental development of the sexual predator. That being said, I do not pity them. They still have the choice to act upon their thoughts or to not act upon their thoughts. If they are afraid they will act on their thoughts, they can turn themselves in to a mental health professional. G*d gave us each free will to do the right thing.

(38)
Feigele,
October 6, 2009 3:40 PM

You can only rely on yourself!

Again, why blame G-d on people’s behavior! G-d is not responsible for human being’s actions. Like with centuries of wars and killing among civilizations or even with the Holocaust.
People commit sins because they are humans and it is up to them to recognize what’s right from what’s wrong. Maybe humans have not been perfectly created and cannot control their hormones, DNA or what ever drives them to commit all kind of monstruous or good actions. Believing and trusting in G-d might one day lead them to find ways how to correct all that.
Any religion doesn’t differentiate from acting certain ways since all people are same human beings.
We like to rely on a superior being—G-d— or any other adults, but we realize at times that the only one we can rely is ourself.
Apparently humans still cannot control their animal instinct and preaching G-d’s ways while acting offensively against other humans especially children is unforgivable and the biggest hypocrisy against humanity. These people are not better than other criminals.

(37)
Ahad Ha'am,
October 6, 2009 3:23 PM

It's high time we stopped sweeping the dirt under the Jewish rug.

During my childhood in a Canadian city, I was abused, sexually & otherwise, by a person who was a pillar of the local Jewish community. Since that person had much credibility while I had none, there was never the least possibility of exposing the abuse. Decades later--in another Canadian town--a rabbi & school principal was accused of sexually abusing DOZENS of boys & girls in his charge. Many of the plaintiffs had little or no connection to one another, so the possibility of collusion was negligible. Nonetheless much of the Jewish community strongly defended the rabbi, calling all these accusations a frame-up. Although I'm not sure of all the details from that point on, it appears he was bought out of his contract &, shortly afterwards, showed up in a U.S. yeshiva where--once again--he was employed as rabbi & school principal.

(36)
Anonymous,
October 6, 2009 9:57 AM

Therapy for survivors (part 3)

I am still Jewish and have actually become far more observant since being in therapy. I have been able to refocus and rededicate my life to a life of Torah. Please don't let fear stop you from getting the help you need. G*d will help you through the process of healing. Even if the non-Jewish world is better at providing that help. Afterall, there are far more non-Jews than there are Jews so it just makes sense that they invented this wheel before us. But we need to be wise enough to use the tools that are out there. And please do not harsly criticize or judge a survivor of sexual abuse. I know several comments have been directed at people here. Every incident of abuse is different and every person who has been abused is different. Some will be angry, some will be hurt, some will be close to G*d and some will be far away from G*d. What we all need is a caring community, who will do whatever they can to help, without judgment. That should be left to G*d. May you all have a blessed New Year.

(35)
Anonymous,
October 6, 2009 9:55 AM

Therapy for survivors

I agree that it is most important to try with all our might to stop abuse from happening in the first place. That being said, it is of no less importance to get help for the survivors of these horrible crimes. I suffered at the hands of a sexual abuser for 5 years (ages 2-7) before he moved away. I did not seek therapy until I was 20. I had a LOT of therapy. Most of it was horrible. I want to share what I now know in case it might help someone. If you go see a therapist and they want you to tell them about the abuse, RUN...do not walk....as fast as you can to another therapist. No legitimitely trained sexual abuse therapist will ask you to do this, because it most often causes a re-victimization for the survivor. It can cause flash-backs, body memory, and trigger panic attacks and anxiety. A good therapist will focus on how the abuse is manifesting itself in your life NOW. They will help you work through the problems you are experiencing in your life in the present, that are caused by the past abuse. There is no need to re-tell the story of the original abuse to benefit from this therapy. That is important enought to repeat: You do not need to talk about the actual abuse that occured in order to benefit from the theraputic treatment. Anyone that says otherwise simply does not understand how to treat survivors of sexual abuse properly. Unfortuately, as has been mentioned in these comments, the Jewish community is not at the cutting-edge of dealing with sexual abuse survivors or predators. However, I honestly believe that you can receive help from the religious community for spiritual healing. That being said, that is not all that is needed for complete healing.

(34)
David,
October 5, 2009 11:53 AM

Stop abuse and allow for healing

Abuse is a cycle. Many abusers were abused as children. Virtually everyone in prison was abused. Children should be educated to report abuse so it will stop. Then both the victims and the perpetrators need help to heal.

(33)
Gettingstronger,
October 1, 2009 7:57 PM

Part 1
Thank you sooo much for writing this. People need to know that this occurs in the Jewish community and not just shove it "under the rug" since there is no more room under the rug!
Here is a short letter that I wrote in which the more people that read it, the better since the message has to be spread. May we all only hear good things and have a wonderful year.
STOP THE CHAIN
Abuse is more common in the Jewish community than most people think it is. How can I say that? Well, I am a survivor of abuse, and including myself, I know of five people who were abused within a two-block radius. That is five people too many. Dov Hikind reported getting hundreds of calls from abuse survivors. This means there are probably thousands of Orthodox Jewish people who were or still are being abused.
The abuse that I suffered could have been entirely prevented if I had been educated about this topic at a young age. I went through the Bais Yaakov system and not one teacher discussed this topic. If I had been told the basics about the difference between good touch and bad touch, then my abuse wouldn’t have started in the first place.

(32)
Gettingstronger,
October 1, 2009 7:55 PM

As a result of not knowing, I suffered in silence for four terrible years. I am now traumatized for life. I get triggered every single day. Even just walking out of my house brings horrific memories to my mind. I now suffer every day from depression, post-traumatic stress disorder, and borderline personality disorder.
Schools need to teach their students about this topic. Parents also must be educated, especially about the warning signs and symptoms of abuse. Without knowledge, the chain just continues. Shoving the topic under the rug does not make it disappear. Is the Jewish community afraid that something terrible will happen if they educate their children? I asked my therapist why she doesn’t go to schools to teach children, on a basic level, about the topic of abuse. “Schools forbid me from coming,” she replied. Atrocities are being committed because Jewish children are not being educated on the topic of abuse.
The writer Guy Finley once said, “Trying to forget a fear is like trying to hold an inflated basketball under the water. It takes all of your strength and attention, and in time it must pop to the surface.” Making believe that abuse doesn’t occur in the Jewish community makes the situation worse. It rears its ugly head in other ways. For me, my body is covered in scars since that was the only way I knew how to deal with so much inner pain.
The chain can be broken if our Jewish children are educated. Education is the only road to prevention. Without education, the chain just continues. Do something about the situation. Stop the chain. Today.

(31)
Tell it the way it is,
October 1, 2009 3:23 AM

What a light in the dark - blessings to the author

The authors observation about the Ten Commandments is profound and true: the Zohar writes many times that: the sin of sexual immorality is equivalent to the sin of avoda zara - going after other gods.
Hashem has granted our generation a higher level of awareness about, in and across the world at large, and to our personal lives; its about time that we all stand up and tackle this issue by grabbing the bull by its horns, and dealing with it properly. Shying away from it will only cause us more grief in the future.
Blessings to the author: she should continue writing many more such articles to shine the light on this very dark corner - that hides a big fat chunk of chomets -which must be completely eliminated immediately! Amain

(30)
parent of survivor,
September 29, 2009 8:34 PM

Al Cheit Shechetani B'gilu Arayous

Kol Hakavod to Aish for posting this article! And thank you to Bracha for writing these powerful words. As the parent of a young adult survivor of childhood molestation I can attest to the fact that in my son's case he certainly lost his relationship with G-D due to the molestation! How can it be otherwise? When the molesting person in his young eyes is the representative of G-D and the personification of G-Dliness what ruination is brought upon his young soul - it is soul murder. And just as saving one person is as if one has saved a world, so is ruining one person as if one has killed an entire world. See why we need the Markey bill in NY? The Markey bill would force the exposure of the coverup. Please, if any of you are readers in NY, please contact your assembly person, and your senator to pressure them to vote for passage of the Markey bill.

(29)
isragirl,
September 29, 2009 3:17 AM

so sad

i felt so sad reading this article. thank g-d i have never had anything like this happen to me. apparently it is going on in the community where i live. its a terrible crime and i hope that the people in authority who can make a difference and speak up, start choosing to do so.

(28)
Sarah Shapiro,
September 24, 2009 1:26 PM

excellent article

Blessings on Bracha Goetz's work

(27)
Heart Weeps,
September 23, 2009 11:40 PM

You go Dr. Twerski

Stop the great big cover ups and denial. Stop allowing access by putting them in positions of authority over those precious Neshamot. Get mental rehabilitation for these abusers, get them medicated, give them behavior therapy or simply incapicitate them. Yes many abusers might have been abused themselves, but it has to stop somewhere. Please Hashem Help the innocent children.

(26)
Shades of Gray,
September 23, 2009 4:59 PM

Parental Guidance

Thanks to Aish for publishing Bracha Goetz's excellent article.
I would like to add an additional point which was published in a somewhat similar version of the article in the Jewish Press:
"Yeshiva students need to get specific information about sexual topics outside of their Gemara Nashim. Their normal surge in hormones needs to be acknowledged and addressed. Clear-cut directives about not touching younger girls and boys, even if they are siblings or cousins, the addictive pull of acting on sexual urges, and the usefulness of physical activity in decreasing their urges by positively channeling their energy, is much more productive than denial."
An additional comment on the JP website from a prominent frum psychologist:
"Most educators and parents have kept their heads in the sand long enough, denying that frum children even have normal human impulses and expecting them to somehow manage on their own, without proper information and direction. Threats and punishments will not solve this problem. We need education. I hope that my VICTORY METHOD, which is taught on my website and in New York, by Perl Abromowitz, will help parents raise children with self-discipline and self-esteem so that they won't think it is acceptable to abuse others or themselves. "

(25)
Elliot Pasik,
September 23, 2009 4:45 PM

The term "adultery" is notable. When a person commits adultery, he is adulterating, or corrupting, the relationship with his spouse, and with G-d. The Seventh Commandment of adultery parallels the Second Commandment of not worshipping idols, which also adulterates, or corrupts, the relationship between man and G-d. The words idol and adultery seem related, in sound and meaning.
Dr. Twerski, a psychologist, in comment 24, offers a communal solution. Our small religious community simply does not have the resources to make these ideas work. Indeed, it has been tried, and there has been great failure. As a lawyer who has studied the problem, I strongly favor a Government solution, including prosecution of sex abusers. Prosecution assures that convicted sex offenders will not work near children, and in many states, not even reside near children.
Intra-family abuse involving a minor offender, such as the case cited in the article, may need to be handled differently, depending on the state jurisdiction.

(24)
Benzion Twerski,
September 22, 2009 8:29 PM

I will add another word of comment that was not strongly addressed in this article. There are many among our communities that serve in capacities as Rabbonim, askanim, leaders, etc. They have the unique position in which they can actually make a difference in the lives of abuse victims. They have a communal responsibility to lift the carpet, perhaps delicately enough to avoid detection by the media, and root out the abusers. The perpetrators do not deserve the comforts we allow them. They should be categorically denied employment in positions in which they have access to potential victims, and they should receive no community honors. They may not need the publicity of disgrace, but there should be no compromise on anyone’s safety ever. Those who aid and abet the abusers need to ask the community for mechila, which must be in the context of behavioral change.

(23)
Benzion Twerski,
September 22, 2009 8:28 PM

I wish to quote from Rav Dessler ZT”L. We ask, “Avinu Malkeinu, hachzireinu biteshuvah shelaimoh lefonecho” – “Our Father, Our King, direct us in complete teshuvah before You”. (My translation). Rav Dessler asks, what exactly is intended by “complete” teshuvah. He proceeds to explain that the actual sin, plus its thoughts and motives, are only one aspect of aveiroh that requires teshuvah. The other part, far more serious, is the minimization of sin to where it is perceived as permitted. In psychological literature, this is labeled “denial”. Once again, the psychological insights by Rav Dessler are amazing.
Those aveiros that are committed in private carry great risk of being minimized to where the one that commits them may never fully grasp the horror and turmoil that is experienced by the victim. And our reading of the parsha of “aveiros of intimacy” on Yom Kippur may well be a message that extends to the very core of our involvement in teshuvah. Commitments that are chiefly behavioral, as important as they may be, do not constitute “complete” teshuvah. We must beg for the Divine assistance to achieve “teshuvah shelaimoh”, where we undergo the internal transformation in which we are no longer afraid to consider an aveiroh a truly serious offense.

(22)
Anonymous,
September 22, 2009 7:52 PM

yuck

i guess i am still in denial that there are people out there who dont believe that this is going on. it makes me sick to think that people can get away with these disgusting behaviors bc ppl think they or their institutions are to good for that. just like addictions it doesnt pick or choose who it affects....

(21)
Anonymous,
September 22, 2009 6:39 PM

ptsd

I want to acknowledge the severity of this problem and appreciate the article. As a survivor myself I know the devastating effects that await anyone who has trauma and especially those who do not get loving support after it occurs. The ptsd that remains can ruin one's life and take years, lifetimes to heal. Help for adult survivors is a major necessity.
I also struggle with seeing G-d as loving and kind, as even within the frum world i have been hurt and victimized by those in authority. And I struggle with halachich issues on Shabbos and yomtov of an emotional nature which there seems to be no precedent for. Why is this not addresed when many guidelines are given for physical injuries, illnesses etc...It is time to address these things for those of us who suffer. Maybe someone out there can respond.
And than you for listening.

(20)
Bracha Goetz,
September 22, 2009 6:04 PM

helpful resources

In response to kavey and to comment #17, I would like to offer resources that can provide referrals to excellent experienced therapists and other empathetic advocates who can help a victim of abuse to re-connect with his or her spiritual essence. #17, G-d willing, if your son can communicate with others who understand both of the traumas that he has experienced (the initial abuse and then the disillusioning cover-up), he may become open, once again, to nourishing his neshama. One day may he eventually work alongside us to help make our Jewish communities true beacons of light.
Here are two resources: admin@jewishadvocates.org and info@survivorsforjustice.org

(19)
Elliot Pasik,
September 22, 2009 2:58 PM

This is one of the few articles I've read addressing the devastating impact abuse has upon spirituality and religion. It is very well done. One psychologist aptly describes abuse as "soul murder". It seems that as the body is abused, the soul is being murdered, but not extinguished, as Bracha Goetz writes. A support group for survivors seems essential. People need to talk things out. We should note the number of 50 women in just one support group.

(18)
Rabbi Perry Schafler,
September 22, 2009 1:39 PM

Prevention / Education Plus reporting perpetrators to to authorties who can protect others.

This is a very valuable and important article as far as it goes. Reporting of perpetrators, support of victims and a reliable system for making sure that perpretators do not serve in proximity with children is needed.

(17)
Anonymous,
September 22, 2009 1:01 PM

Abuse in yeshiva dorm

My heart ached when I read this sad article. My sensitive son was sexually abused by older boys in a dorm at the age of 14. When he went to tell the supervisor, he denied it and said it couldn't be true as that kind of thing 'could not happen' in their fine school. That denial hurt my son almost as much as the actual abuse. He then dropped out and is no longer observant. The day before Yom Kippur last year one of his abusers phoned him to apologize. Unfortunately it came too late.

(16)
Anonymous,
September 22, 2009 3:17 AM

surviving, and still hurting

kavey, im not sure if u were asking or telling, but i wish i could get spiritual therapy. i did speak to a rabbi many times, but by the time i built up enough trust, i moved away, and my parents were not supportive at all. they took it too personally to be of any real help to me. they still deny it, and try to blame me, or ignore the facts. i think the parents should also go to therapy. although now i am finally taking control of my life and using my past to come closer to G-d. and survivor-maybe you are in too much pain to realize what you wrote. McDonalds CANNOT be compared to abuse. sorry! not gonna go with any victims/survivors that i know. that is too clear. its not a "dirty" sin, and watching someone eat in McDonalds does not make you feel unclean and confused and lonely and cry yourself to sleep.

(15)
Dasha18,
September 22, 2009 2:15 AM

Practice what to do

If it can help one person,:I practice safety actions with my young son: we run out the door for a fire, we practice yelling help, we bang on a door to get in...After you teach the no touch rule, practice screaming no, pushing someone away, running to safety, etc. clearly, words alone are not enough.

(14)
Anonymous,
September 22, 2009 2:02 AM

Continued...

#3 #5 and #6: You are right, and you are right, and you are right. You are each right in describing the reactions towards G-d that people have after trauma. Research on Holocaust survivors has shown that a majority had their relatisonship with Hashem drasitcialy changed by the experience. Some did feel abandoned and had great difficulty overcoming their anger and confusion, leaving them cut off from their previous religion. Many, on the other hand, found great comfort in somehow keeping their faith throughout, and feeling that Hashem had not abandoned them while the rest of the world had. I wrote my dissertation on people's unconscious ambivalent feelings towards G-d, and my research supervisor pointed out that although there may be no atheists in a foxhole, there are probably just as many people who feel abandoned as who feel close to Him there. As to Bracha's wise assertion that people project their experiences with other people onto G-d, this has been shown in clinical research, and also is expressed by the Sefer Hachinuch on the mitzvah of Kibud Av Va'em in which he writes that a person's relationship with his parental caregivers will influence directly the way he perceives G-d. #5 and #7: About the prevalence of the problem in the community and the rabbis "dealing with it". Yes there are no statistics. However I meet new people in my practice every day who have suffered from this, and even one Jewish child is too many. The rabbis have been avoiding, denying, and ignoring the problem until recently. They still have a long way to go until our community has developed adequate safety protocols and has provided adequate support to survivors. As for #8. I did not understand your question but you can email me if you need clinical advice or a referral. I wish all of you at Aish.com a Gut Gebentched Yor, and please feel free to visit our website at jewishadvocates.org. Asher

(13)
Anonymous,
September 22, 2009 12:06 AM

This is problem amongst a certain fraction of the musical community - I see so many fellow musical souls who went through the same sort of perverted garbage my own parents put me through. Many of us chose some, shall we say... 'interesting' religious paths, paths that would almost certainly curl anyone's suburban sheltered hair. Why? All in an attempt to connect with the spiritual truth we intuit must exist but which the 'G-d the Father' image and family analogies do not fit when one's caretkers taught us to perceive family as essentially evil. :-( Of course, not all families commit this evll. But what one grows up with seems 'normal'. I never stopped fearing G-d but I still don't trust Him... at least I don't trust how He will treat me. to be truthful. even though I know Hashem loves everyone else and even though trust Him to treat them all properly. I expect any moment to be let down and harmed by the Holy One who has infinte power. Since power was so gravely misused in my own family it is hard ttrust one who could snuff me an an instant. And it makes loving God extremely problematic, no matter how many times I hear Hashem qetly tell me He does love me. Teenagers who do that kind of thing to younger siblings and cousins etc. have almost certinly been abused themselves by someone older and need prayer and therapy to stop. Child abuse needs to be rooted out and obliterated and the survivors, all of whom are traumatized, need help, before they end up eiher ooking up with abusive spouses or becoming abusers theselves.

(12)
Anonymous,
September 21, 2009 10:01 PM

Image of Hashem affected from abuse

The effects of abuse in Mrs. Goetz's article may not have been true for you and you are very lucky to have not suffered this aspect of how abuse can affect your relationship with Gd. For me, I have pictured Gd as that punishing image that is ready and waiting to punish me for doing something wrong, waiting for me to be imperfect so He can hurt me or take something precious away from me. I feared Gd as I feared my family. I had no one in my life to trust, so how I could trust Gd. We are taught to have trust and faith in Gd and that He loves us unconditionally, but I did not experience such love growing up and beyond. During therapy, years ago, I was told by frum therapists that I was confusing Gd with my parents or my family and then my husband because I perceived Him as cruel and punishing as I did those people in my life. I perceived Gd as the one who would blame me if something went wrong, thus deserving any evil decree against me, as my family of origin and my husband and his family did. When the situation would not change in spite of davening and crying out, I perceived that Hashem wanted me to suffer too and it pushed me further and further away from Gd and Judaism. It is only after perceiving Gd as part of my inner neshama that I am able to see Gd differently, as a loving Gd, who is infinitely within my own surviving neshama, who will protect me and love me. Also a survivor - cbg

(11)
anonymous,
September 21, 2009 8:36 PM

My friends special needs daughter was molested by her therapist in her special needs school, She complained to the principal and her daughter was thrown out of the school. People aren't willing to accept that this exists, and aren't willing to risk the chance of damaging their name, in this case, the schools name for one child.

(10)
ruth housman,
September 21, 2009 7:56 PM

the sigh lence of denial

It's very common in our population, and perhaps not so surprising then that it happens in Jewish families also, namely, sexual abuse of all kinds. The corrosiveness of denial is that the individual is left alone, totally alone, with no corroborative evidence for an insult that is beyond terrible that has repercussion through life.
Where is God in all of this? Our first gods are surely our parents, and when a child learns they have feet of clay, these gods, well perhaps that's the beginning of a profound rift and questioning, the same quesitons that do arise that have to do with the presence of malevolence, sadness, and terrible things that do happen, all the time.
Is God apart from all of this or is God an essential part of this? And if so, what's this story about? The Kabalists are saying there is divinity within all of us.
However we deal with the paradox, the mandate is to act responsibly and to care for those who are suffering and continue to suffer, without the validation and opportunity to forgive, as those who perpetrated need also to ask forgiveness.

(9)
Anonymous,
September 21, 2009 6:48 PM

Perpetrator (biological father) was sent to prison many years

after the repeated and systematic abuse occurred (not me - someone very close to me). There was no statute of limitations on felonies in this particular state. We did travel out of state several times and spent a lot of money on travel, hotels, telephone calls, time off work, stress, etc., to help bring this about. We pestered the heck out of the DAs in this city. We both still have difficulty wrapping our brains around honoring parents. I am definitely in favor of legal accountability, even if this abuse occurred a long time ago. It might put a stop to some of this type of behavior, not all of it - I am not that naive, but some of it.

(8)
Anonymous,
September 21, 2009 4:34 PM

illicit sexual activity

Tell this does include Pornography. what about in a marrige. I believe I know what the Torah says.
can you Elaborate.
(A 36 year marrige is in need)

(7)
happened in my family,
September 21, 2009 4:30 PM

It IS very much so in the religious community- and no - the Rabbi's are NOT properly taking care of it.

survivor, I am sorry but I disagree. I come from a very religious, frum yeshivish, family and people in my family have been abused by neighbors, rabbis, teachers, and very religious and highly respected people in the community. My family is very warm, loving, caring home with parents who have a wonderful marriage and normal home - not dysfunctional at all- just clueless that this exists and living next to neighbors who were molesters. Unfortunately we found out the hard way how much it IS in the frum community (not as much as in the secular world but then again the secular world is much larger). Many, many of the children at risk have been abused. Unfortunately, some Rabbi's are not properly taking care of the problem rather they are hiding cases and names of the perpetrator and not supporting victims. I think this article refers to religious community and that is why when someone is abused by someone older, wiser, respected, and religious- they often drop their Judaism because of all they have suffered. Yes it is true that someone can become closer to G-d from the suffering and abuse but that might come after they have first left religion and after much searching and reevaluating life they may learn to reconnect to G-d and Judaism in a new way. Wishing all survivors and victims a year of much joy, strength, and to reconnect to G-d and let their Neshama's shine brightly.

(6)
Anonymous,
September 21, 2009 3:56 PM

This is NOT McDonalds!!!

To compare molestation of a child to that of eating McDonald's indicates that "survivor" did not survive mentally very well at all. As a true survivor of child abuse by my own father, i can tell you that i would eat 100 big macs rather than endure what i had to go through. i told nobody, which is the behavior of most children. that is because you are ashamed, frightened, uncertain of who is safe (who IS safe? if your own parent or family member molests you, who can you trust?). to think that this does not happen among Jews is not to think at all. the article is excellent and very very important. everyone should be aware and sensitive to their child's needs. as for who commits the sexual abuse, the article is correct, as so many studies have shown. most of these hideous acts are committed either by some family member or a friend because they have the most access to a child and already have gained their trust (only to destroy it). as for affecting a child's trust in G-d, how many times have victims (me included) prayed that an abuse would not happen that night, or the next? how many times have victims (me) prayed for G-d to remove me or take my life rather than let me be subjected to one more time. starting from age 5 until age 10, i did not find any rescuers. never did. and you think that a child's belief in G-d is not affected? we cannot hide our eyes, our minds, our hearts from children who are being abused. somehow the community must let our children know that if ANYTHING happens, there is a safe place to go. hopefully, the "safe place" is truly safe. look at the number of priests who molested. those children would have thought they were in a safe place. and while 'saying 'NO" doesn't cure anything, it at least helps them to feel somewhat in control and they can know that they did not agree to it. thank you Bracha Goetz for a well needed, important article on a crime (against children and G-d) that goes undetected for too many too long.

(5)
Anonymous,
September 21, 2009 3:16 PM

How?

"Survivor"'s comment enrages me. How can G-d be loving and kind when He permits this stuff to happen? I've dealt not necessarily with this issue but with SO many nasty people in my life that hearing others wax poetic about G-d's "gentle, fatherly" love sickens me and gives me a headache. I don't know what a "loving, gentle father" is, I've never had one. Stockholm syndrome, maybe? I'm glad this article is here, it needs to be put out inthe open. This stuff doesn't belong in ANY religious community.

(4)
Raisy,
September 21, 2009 3:08 PM

Friends?

To #2,
It is important to cultivate good communication and trust with your own child. She/he should be able to tell you that people are doing things to her that she/he does not like. In any case, just so this is clear: you are still friends with these neighbors. I hope it is because it was the babysitter/caretaker committing these ilicit acts upon your daughter and not these aforesaid neighbors.
Yes, things can slip under the radar of parents knowledge. But taking the time to really talk to our children about their experiences each day is a worthwhile investment.

(3)
survivor,
September 21, 2009 1:08 PM

bizarre article

You just cant say that when a child is abused by an older person that they then project that onto their relationship with G-d. YoThat is far from what I've seen, as a survivor and having worked with survivors for many years. Perhaps you can say how being abused in a religious home can cause religious kids to go off the derech. But it has nothing to do with their relationship with G-d. It's a rejection of their dysfunctional family and understandable that they aren't able to separate the lies of their dysfunctional family from the emess of a Torah way of life. As one Rav said, a person who eats at McDonalds is not a frum Jew. A person that molests another child is not a frum Jew. Often, it is only by turning to G-d that a victim finally decides to move from surviving to living.
Secondly, the standard advice in the non-religous world is to teach the children to say no. A person who was abused knows the many other factors involved in abuse and knows that there are so many reasons why the victim doesn't say "NO". Rather, I have personally heard of a child who was able to fend off a problematic neighbor, by saying, "I have to ask my mommy"...This from a child who was never taught about sexual abuse, only knew that since he'd never done such a thing, he'd better ask his mother first. To teach, "just say no" is a bad joke because most abused kids are in dysfunctional families and have learned from the beginning that they don't have basic rights of a human being.
Thirdly, your rates are nice but not reflective of the religious jewish community because there have been no studies done on the rate of sexual abuse in our world. It is not a big as you think and it is being nipped in the bud by the rabbonim faster that you and your whistle blowers can get your scary slanderous remarks out there. Keep it in perspective, that's what I'm saying.
Survivor

(2)
b.a.h.,
September 21, 2009 9:44 AM

how was a parent to know

i hardly remember the following, but my -then 6 yrs old-daughter does!!
she had a best friend. they would often play together in our home or in her friends home under parental or babysitter supervision. one day soon after my wife gave birht, we arranged with our wonderfull neigbhors/friends [& still are till today!] to care for our daughter in their home for a few hours ,while i attend to other resposibilities.
whan i brought my daughter to their home she suddenly began crying saying she doent want to go, but not giving any reason. i assumed she was just missing her mommy etc. so with my wifes & the neighbors encourgement i left her there.
only later to find out, my daughter was sexually abused there. how was i to know?! we need hashem's help every step of the way!!

(1)
kavey,
September 21, 2009 9:13 AM

spiritual therapy

thank you for this important article.
youwrite that the healing process is about reconnecting to ones neshama,our spiritual essence.
But is this type of therapy used by the therapists /psychologists who treat these victims??! i would be interested to know where this is available.

I'm told that it's a mitzvah to become intoxicated on Purim. This puzzles me, because to my understanding, it is not considered a good thing to become intoxicated, period.

One of the characteristics of the at-risk youth is their use of drugs, including alcohol. In my experience, getting drunk doesn't reveal secrets. It makes people act stupid and irresponsible, doing things they would never do if they were sober. Also, I know a lot about the horrible health effects of abusing alcohol, because I work at a research center that focuses on addiction and substance abuse.

Also, I am an alcoholic, which means that if I drink, very bad things happen. I have not had a drink in 22 years, and I have no intention of starting now. Surely there must be instances where a person is excused from the obligation to drink. I don't see how Judaism could ever promote the idea of getting drunk. It just doesn't seem right.

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Putting aside for a moment all the spiritual and philosophical reasons for getting drunk on Purim, this remains an issue of common sense. Of course, teenagers should be warned of the dangers of acute alcohol ingestion. Of course, nobody should drink and drive. Of course, nobody should become so drunk to the point of negligence in performing mitzvot. And of course, a recovering alcoholic should not partake of alcohol on Purim.

Indeed, the Code of Jewish Law explicitly says that if one suspects the drinking may affect him negatively, then he should NOT drink.

Getting drunk on Purim is actually one of the most difficult mitzvot to do correctly. A person should only drink if it will lead to positive spiritual results - e.g. under the loosening affect of the alcohol, greater awareness will surface of the love for God and Torah found deep in the heart. (Perhaps if we were on a higher spiritual level, we wouldn't need to get drunk!)

Yet the Talmud still speaks of an obligation on Purim of "not knowing the difference between Blessed is Mordechai and Cursed is Haman." How then should a person who doesn't drink get the point of “not knowing”? Simple - just go to sleep! (Rama - OC 695:2)

All this applies to individuals. But the question remains - does drinking on Purim adversely affect the collective social health of the Jewish community?

The aversion to alcoholism is engrained into Jewish consciousness from a number of Biblical and Talmudic sources. There are the rebuking words of prophets - Isaiah 28:1, Hosea 3:1 with Rashi, and Amos 6:6, and the Zohar says that "The wicked stray after wine" (Midrash Ne'alam Parshat Vayera).

It is well known that the rate of alcoholism among Jews has historically been very low. Numerous medical, psychological and sociological studies have confirmed this. The connection between Judaism and sobriety is so evident, that the following conversation is reported by Lawrence Kelemen in "Permission to Receive":

When Dr. Mark Keller, editor of the Quarterly Journal of Studies on Alcohol, commented that "practically all Jews do drink, and yet all the world knows that Jews hardly ever become alcoholics," his colleague, Dr. Howard Haggard, director of Yale's Laboratory of Applied Physiology, jokingly proposed converting alcoholics to the Jewish religion in order to immerse them in a culture with healthy attitudes toward drinking!

Perhaps we could suggest that it is precisely because of the use of alcohol in traditional ceremonies (Kiddush, Bris, Purim, etc.), that Jews experience such low rates of alcoholism. This ceremonial usage may actually act like an inoculation - i.e. injecting a safe amount that keeps the disease away.

Of course, as we said earlier, all this needs to be monitored with good common sense. Yet in my personal experience - having been in the company of Torah scholars who were totally drunk on Purim - they acted with extreme gentleness and joy. Amid the Jewish songs and beautiful words of Torah, every year the event is, for me, very special.

Adar 12 marks the dedication of Herod's renovations on the second Holy Temple in Jerusalem in 11 BCE. Herod was king of Judea in the first century BCE who constructed grand projects like the fortresses at Masada and Herodium, the city of Caesarea, and fortifications around the old city of Jerusalem. The most ambitious of Herod's projects was the re-building of the Temple, which was in disrepair after standing over 300 years. Herod's renovations included a huge man-made platform that remains today the largest man-made platform in the world. It took 10,000 men 10 years just to build the retaining walls around the Temple Mount; the Western Wall that we know today is part of that retaining wall. The Temple itself was a phenomenal site, covered in gold and marble. As the Talmud says, "He who has not seen Herod's building, has never in his life seen a truly grand building."

Some people gauge the value of themselves by what they own. But in reality, the entire concept of ownership of possessions is based on an illusion. When you obtain a material object, it does not become part of you. Ownership is merely your right to use specific objects whenever you wish.

How unfortunate is the person who has an ambition to cleave to something impossible to cleave to! Such a person will not obtain what he desires and will experience suffering.

Fortunate is the person whose ambition it is to acquire personal growth that is independent of external factors. Such a person will lead a happy and rewarding life.

With exercising patience you could have saved yourself 400 zuzim (Berachos 20a).

This Talmudic proverb arose from a case where someone was fined 400 zuzim because he acted in undue haste and insulted some one.

I was once pulling into a parking lot. Since I was a bit late for an important appointment, I was terribly annoyed that the lead car in the procession was creeping at a snail's pace. The driver immediately in front of me was showing his impatience by sounding his horn. In my aggravation, I wanted to join him, but I saw no real purpose in adding to the cacophony.

When the lead driver finally pulled into a parking space, I saw a wheelchair symbol on his rear license plate. He was handicapped and was obviously in need of the nearest parking space. I felt bad that I had harbored such hostile feelings about him, but was gratified that I had not sounded my horn, because then I would really have felt guilty for my lack of consideration.

This incident has helped me to delay my reactions to other frustrating situations until I have more time to evaluate all the circumstances. My motives do not stem from lofty principles, but from my desire to avoid having to feel guilt and remorse for having been foolish or inconsiderate.

Today I shall...

try to withhold impulsive reaction, bearing in mind that a hasty act performed without full knowledge of all the circumstances may cause me much distress.

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