Questioned asked for Nick in Memphis, TN

Question:

Nick has lost many friends in the past years due to them choosing to spend their time elsewhere. His small childhood church is also on a decline and few folks attend who are his age. He is stressed at his job despite the blessings it has been for his family. Nick wants to move from his childhood town and try something new, but he is not sure it is the right decision. He has a wife and two small children. Should he move them away from family for his happiness?

Video Transcript

Cassie

Welcome to my counselor online. I’m Cassie and this is Asking for our friend, that’s where you submit your questions and I tracked down one of our awesome therapists and get them to answer your question, so today I have Josh with me. Josh, thanks for meeting with me.

And our question comes from Nick. Well, I think it comes from somebody for Nick and Nick is lost many friends in the past due to them, choosing to spend their time elsewhere.

His small childhood Church has been on the decline and new folks rarely attend who are his age.

He’s stressing this job, despite the blessing and has been for his family. He wants to move away from his childhood town and try something new.

But he’s not sure it’s the right decision he has a wife and two small children should you move them away from family for his happiness, Josh. What do you want to say to me.

Josh

Well, I want to say thanks Nick for submitting your question or whomever cares about neck that’s submit this question on his behalf.

And say, this is one of those tough situations in life where there’s not a clear answer. There’s not a definitive yes or no do this, don’t do this.

And not really like a wide stick that you can use to determine what’s the absolute right course of action. And so when I’m walking with somebody through a situation like this, there’s a few things that I want to

Spread out on the table because this process has lots of moving parts, the situation as lots of moving parts. And if you don’t think through all the different pieces.

Then you find yourself in a worse situation than you were before, right, which is part of the analysis paralysis that can sit in and causes just not make a decision at all.

Even though it’s not going well. We’re not feeling good about our life or situation. So the first thing that I’ve been a spread out is

To save it a new destination isn’t necessarily going to change your situation that sometimes we think if I just get away from here and I get someplace else, things will be better in a different location.

But unlike the airport’s our baggage only shows up at our new destination and we get there in sometimes find that in a matter of time or right back in the same situation. We weren’t

That maybe, maybe it wasn’t completely the environment that we were in. But instead, some stuff that’s going on inside of us.

That is creating some of our situation and circumstances. And so we want to be careful not to put all of our hope and just changing our situation, our circumstances.

Usually what I encourage folks to do is figure out how to be happy where you’re at.

And from that standpoint, from that place of strength decided rather not. You want to go someplace else that because relocating moving someplace else may be the best option for you and for your family.

But if you’re hanging your happiness or your hope for happiness on relocating to the different location. More times than not, people find themselves disappointed by that.

A better route is figure out how do I find happiness, where it is that I’m ad and know how to cultivate that in my life. And from that place of strength.

Be able to decide where do I want to go where with the Lord. Take me where what would the Lord have for me. And so that that’s

Something that I commonly encourage clients and and then we talked through have to also understand that as a married person and with kiddos there’s other people involved in the dynamic

And it can be really detrimental to drag a family through a significant change like that in the pursuit of one’s happiness, especially if when you get wherever it is, you’re going, you’re not actually happy.

I see that in my office at times. And there’s a lot of marital stress and distress that comes from that. And so you want to be careful not to go that route.

But it can be really helpful to connect with a counselor in a situation like this, because all of the people in our life have a

Dog in the hunt. They’ve got some sort of vested interests and their own

Impact in their life that’s going to come of this decision. And so it’s difficult to just have a place where you can process out loud all the different moving pieces all the different thoughts without having to worry about how

Those thoughts are going to trigger fears and others, and maybe cause them to feel anxious and get stirred up by talking with a counselor.

They don’t have a dog in the hunt. They don’t have any bias or interests, one way or the other.

They don’t presume to know what it is, God would have for you, but instead are going to help you help

Ask the important questions that need to be thought through and help you think through how you go about answering those questions to make sure that you

Are not just deceiving yourself will in yourself, talking to yourself in the things that you want to believe

To be true that maybe just aren’t and to make sure that you don’t really damage the important relationships in your life trying to find a solution that may or may not be a real solution for you.

So I’m glad that you’re asking these questions. I’m glad that you’re are glad that Nick is

Looking for some help in the situation and I really encourage you to connect with somebody that can sort through these questions with you. Who’s going to give you the space to do so without stress or pressure

Cassie

Yeah, that’s great, Josh. Thank you for answering this question and Nick. Thanks for or whoever for submitting this question on next behalf and

Hopefully that was helpful to you. And if you have a question you can ask one of our awesome therapist by submitting your question to are asking for a friend page, then I will track them down.

Have a an online meeting with them like this and we will post that up on her. Asking for a friend page as well as an upcoming edition of our weekly e newsletter. So you can look for it there.

We’ve all felt it- racing heart, racing thoughts, sweaty hands, knots in the stomach, tense muscles in the neck, back, and jaw. Anxiety. We know what it feels like, but what is it and why do we experience it?

Anxiety is a Good Thing

You might be surprised to learn that anxiety is a good thing. God designed our body to use an anxiety response to help us stay safe and be productive.

When we’re on a hike and a bear jumps out the woods, our anxiety response prepares our body for survival. When our alarm goes off and we really don’t feel like getting out of bed our anxiety helps us. The angst that comes from the thought of losing our job and not being able to pay our bills motivates us to get out of bed. When the Holy Spirit brings conviction, He utilizes the anxiety pathway in our body to get our attention.

Anxiety is our friend, not our enemy. Without it we would be a mess.

But sometimes a good thing turns bad.

What God intended to be a friend to us can become a real enemy. When we are fearful of things we need not be or to an unhealthy degree, our anxiety begins to create some real problems for us.

Path to Anxiety

I find it helpful to have a basic understanding of the mechanics behind the anxiety we feel. Knowing how it works gives us the ability to influence what we can for the better. So, let’s walk through the neurophysiology of anxiety together.

There is a complicated explanation from neuroscience that looks like this…

But I prefer simple explanations, so we’re going to use this visual:

Facts

Facts aren’t opinions, their data. We bring data about the world outside our body into our brain by way of our five senses. At this stage in the process the data is just information, it doesn’t really have any meaning to us. Imagine I’m speaking mandarin to you. Now assuming you don’t speak Chinese, it’s going to sound like squirrel gibberish. It has meaning, but not to you. For you it’s just noise brought into your brain from your ears.

So it is with all the images, smells, tastes, sounds, touch sensations you take in. It’s not until the next stage in the neurological journey that this data takes on meaning.

Story

The story phase is the meaning-making part of our brains process. Our brain applies all that we have learned from our past experiences in life to make its best guess at the meaning of the data.

What does the data mean?

Why did it happen?

What where the intentions of the people involved?

Does it create danger (physical or emotional, tangible or intangible) for me or those I care about?

Our life experience influences greatly our interpretations of the data we experience. That’s why 30 people can observe and incident and walk away with very different ideas about what happened and why.

For any given set of data there are an infinite number of stories that could be told. Your brain identifies the one that seems most likely to you based on your experience and runs with it.

Every moment of your life your senses are taking in a constant stream of data. No matter where you are or what you are doing your ears are picking up all sorts of sounds, all the skin on your is feeling various levels of pressure and temperature. You are smelling, tasting, and if your eyes are open you are seeing what’s in focus and peripheral images.

Ninety-nine (99%) of the data your brain analyzes, determines if it’s important or not, and discards or responds subconsciously to it. It does this through a very fast, but not so smart, process. Which is helpful. Imagine if you had to consciously think about every piece of data. All day, every day would be spent just sorting and labeling. If even for a few minutes you were aware of all the data coming in, you would be completely overwhelmed.

Your brain, by God’s incredible design, handles most of the information for you and only brings to your conscious awareness the things it thinks you need to focus on. This information gets relayed to your prefrontal cortex for your conscious consideration.

Most of the stories you tell you are completely unaware of, your brain does it in the background while you are focused on other things.

While you don’t notice the story, you do tend to notice the feelings created by the stories. Particularly if those feelings are intense and negative.

Feelings

Emotions are very mechanical. We don’t tend to think of feelings as being mechanical. At least I didn’t before studying the neuroendocrinology of them. I always thought of them as these ethereal floaty things that seemed to come and go with no real rhyme, reason, or logic to them.

They’re not though. There’s no happy pollen in the air, that makes us happy when we breathe it in. Nor is there a sad lotion that absorbs through our skin making us sad. And, contrary to popular belief, my wife does not have a blow-gun with angry juice she shoots me in the neck with, making me upset.

In reality, feelings follow a very straightforward and logical path. They are the product of our glands and nerves. Glands (endocrine system) do not think or make decisions on their own. They just do what they are told. And who’s calling the shots? Well, you are. That is, the meaning-making part of your brain is when it tells a story.

Now you may not remember telling yourself to feel anxious when you saw the flashing blue lights behind your vehicle on your way to church. You did though. Your subconscious, that part of your brain that’s filtering all the incoming data, made the call for you.

It said, very quickly, “Oh, this isn’t good. In fact, it’s very very bad. Something terrible is about to happen.” So it picked up the phone and dialed the adrenal glands. Those two bean-shaped blobs of tissue setting on either side of your spine by your kidneys. And the Story part of your brain said, “Adrenals, we got a situation, and it’s terrible. We’re going to need a #terrible dose of stress hormones (adrenaline, cortisol, norepinephrine) in the blood stat!”

Micro-seconds later your heart and thoughts are racing. Hands are starting to sweat, knots forming in the stomach, muscles tensing in the neck, back, and jaw. You’re really feeling that anxiety now.

Action

We tend to react out of our emotions. When something doesn’t feel good, i.e. we feel angry, sad, hurt, afraid, we do things to try to feel better. We utilize coping mechanism in an attempt to soothe our self. Sometimes these coping mechanisms are helpful (we pray, we turn to a friend and process out loud, journal, or go for a run, etc.).Sometimes they’re not (we protest by yelling, screaming, defensively arguing, shutting-down, stonewalling, bite our nails, binge eat or drink, look at porn, etc.).

It is incredibly helpful to develop healthy coping mechanisms for navigating negative emotional experiences. It sure beats beating your head against the wall or self-sabotaging with unhealthy ones. But, you can also level up and learn how to change the emotions altogether. The two together can enable the self-control that makes you master of your emotions.

What should we do about anxiety?

The key to mastering anxiety is twofold. First, you need to learn healthy coping mechanism that helps you manage your reactions to anxiety-producing situations. Next, you learn how to trace your path to anxiety backward to identify the story that’s driving the anxiety.

When you bring the unconscious story into conscious awareness it gives you the ability to change the story. Change the story, change the emotional response (i.e. turn off, or at least down, the anxiety response).

If you can both turn down the anxiety response and manage it better with healthy coping mechanisms, then you are in good shape my friend.

Strategies for Managing Anxiety

There are a number of strategies counselors teach clients to help them manage anxiety better. Here are just a few:

Step Back & Breathe

Retreating and regrouping is a good way to collect yourself before re-engaging. If possible, remove yourself from a situation for a moment (3-20 minutes) to give yourself space to settle for a moment. BREATH. The lungs are unique.

While all other physiological reactions of an anxiety response are completely automatic, the lungs can be automatic or manual. By flipping the switch to manual and slowing down your breathing, with deep breaths, it sends a signal to the rest of the body it doesn’t need to be on high alert.

You need space away from the “noise” of a situation to hear yourself think, so you can start asking questions.

Ask Questions

It’s our pre-frontal cortex that enables us to ask reflective questions. It’s also our pre-frontal cortex that is the smarter part of our brain that we want to bring un-conscious stories into conscious awareness with.

We do this by asking our self questions. In order to ask our self questions and answer them our frontal cortex has to get active and involved. Try these:

Holy Spirit, help me identify what’s going on in my heart.

What am I feeling?

What are the facts? What did I see or hear immediately prior to feeling what I’m feeling?

What might the story be that connects the facts to me feelings? What meaning did I take away?

Question Your Story

As we said before, there are an infinite number of Stories that could be told for any set of Facts. The fast, dumb part of our brain chooses the one that makes the most sense to us based on our past experiences. It then proceeds to send the messages for emotional responses consistent with that story.

If, however, there is more than one story under consideration – the brain is in a hold pattern waiting to generate an emotional response until a story is decided upon. So, if we introduce another possible story, with a different emotional significance, into the mix we effectively interrupt the emotional reaction. Here are some helpful questions:

However remote, is it POSSIBLE there are other explanations for this situation? What are they?

Hypothetically speaking, why might a reasonable, rationale, and decent human being respond the way this person is?

Even if the first conclusion we jumped to is absolutely right, this exercise helps us. It gets our frontal cortex involved in a way that helps us make better decisions about how to respond to a situation.

Decatastrophize

Watching your family be murdered in front of you before having your eyes gouged out. Now that’s a catastrophe. One hopefully none of us ever have to face. Dropping your phone in the toilet…not a catastrophe.

The labels we place on situations in our story matter. They tell our glands what kind and how intense of an emotional reaction to create. Change the label, change the emotional response.

All emotion, at its highest level of description, either feels “Good” or “Bad”. There are lots of different nuances to good and bad. There are also varying intensities. Think about it like a scale, with the best thing you can possibly imagine at one end, and the worst at the other. With lots of tick marks in-between.

The further to the right of the scale you #label a situation, the more intense negative feeling you will experience. The further the to the left, the less bad. You get to decide. You can either let your sub-conscious slap a label on it, that may or may not be helpful, or you can intervene and choose a label.

When I talk about decatastrophizing a situation, I mean identifying the intense label we have applied to a situation and choosing to replace it with a less intense label.

We don’t just want to choose a less intense label, but one that is more truthful. For example, perhaps I’m terrified of dying in a car accident. Many find death a terrible and terrifying thing. But, as a believer, I know to be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord. For me death has no sting.

So death, really isn’t all that terrible. In fact, it’s actually a good thing for me. Sad for those left behind, but God will look after them in my absence, just as he did in my presents. Granted my wife will be inconsolable for the better part of a day, but then…

So in truth, for me, death is not terrible or catastrophic. To label it as such isn’t only not helpful, it’s also not true. I want to practice telling myself the truth. When I change the label, my emotions will follow.

I call this particular strategy, decatstrophizing the worst-case scenario. Tring to convince myself the “terrible” thing won’t happen has only limited effectiveness. Because, in this case, dying in a car accident could happen! If my peace is based on convincing myself it can’t, I’m not living in reality. That’s denial and avoidance.

The better approach is to go with the feared outcome. Ok, so what if the thing I fear does happen? Is it really that terrible? Is a better label more fitting? Even if the situation is unlikely, I can still say “Even if it does happen, it won’t be that bad.”

Tell Yourself the Truth

Very often our labeling of situations is not consistent with the Truth of God’s word. Learning to identify the misbeliefs in our heart about feared situations and replace them with the truth of Gods word is powerful. The Holy Spirit will help you, if you ask Him to, identify the misbeliefs that are keeping you from having peace.

Take the first step towards a better tomorrow, today.

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Preventing Burnout in Ministry

What Is Burnout?

Burnout is a state of mental and physical exhaustion caused by excessive and prolonged stress. There are three stages of burnout: Stressed, Overwhelmed, and Crispy. While the process can be stopped at any point, it’s generally in the crispy stage that people begin to have a sense that “something is wrong”.

Identifying the Signs of Burnout

Hopefully by being aware of the signs at each stage you can catch burnout and take action before it progresses. Manifestation of any two symptoms from a stage is a good indicator you’re in that stage.

Stage 1: Stressed

Characterized by anxiety symptoms.

Irritableness

Anxiety / Worry

High blood pressure

Grinding your teeth in your sleep

Insomnia

Increased Illness

Loss of Appetite or Stress Eating

Unusual heart rhythms (skipped beats, rapid pounding)

Struggle to concentrate/forgetfulness

Headaches

Stage 2: Overwhelmed

Characterized by decreasing performance, increased negativity, withdraw, and attempts to medicate the symptoms.

Lateness for work

Procrastination

Dreading returning to work

Increased marital conflict

Decreased sexual desire

Persistent tiredness in the mornings

Missing project deadlines

Social withdrawal (from friends and/or family)

Cynicism

Resentfulness

Increased caffeine consumption

Increased alcohol consumption

Apathy

Stage 3: Crispy

Characterized by depression symptoms.

Chronic symptoms:

Sadness or depression

Stomach or bowel problems

Mental fatigue

Physical fatigue

Headaches

Hopeless Discouragement

The desire to “check out” or run away from friends, work, and perhaps even family

Occasional thoughts about ending your life

Leading Causes of Burnout

Bad Theology

Misplaced Priorities, Identity, Value, and Worth

Unrealistic Expectations

Poor Work and Personal Boundaries

Inadequate Self-Care

Bad Theology

In many cases bad theology is, in part, responsible for high levels of burnout and attrition in the ministry. As we discussed earlier in Theology of Self-Care, many Christians have gotten the message that to deny oneself means to live in denial of one’s humanity. Somewhere along the line we got the message that serving whole heartedly means neglecting the needs God has created our bodies with as well as the command to regularly practice sabbath rest.

If we’re not careful we can get caught up in a works-based mindset where we earn approval from God by sacrificing our bodies (and often our families) on the altar of ministry. This theology leads us to a “never say no”, give 100% of our energy to the ministry (even if that means stealing from our families to do so), it’s up to me to save the world mindset that is unsustainable.

While you can do all things through Christ who strengthens you, God does not empower us to do what He is not calling us to do…that’s why you can’t leap from a tall building, sprout wings, and fly.

Jesus told many people “No” and was a big disappointment to even his closest friends expectations. God is not calling you to do everything. You get no extra credit for doing what he hasn’t asked you to do. In fact, if you misappropriate time and energy to things that are not God’s priority for you, no matter how good they are, it’s a failure in stewardship.

Sometimes, the most Godly thing to do in a situation is say “No” to a great ministry opportunity, in order to use that time for self-care (see Jesus – Mk 1:35, Luke 5:16, Matt 14:22-23).

Misplaced Priorities, Identity, Value, and Worth

Sometimes our priorities are in the ditch of secular hedonism/idolatry where our focus is on our wants, wishes, and what we believe will make us happy. However, there is another ditch on the other side of the straight and narrow. In this ditch, often due to bad theology, we try to seek approval from God by being out of balance. Instead of realizing God has multiple priorities for our life (our spouse, our kids, self-care, enjoying creation, engaging ministry) we get over focused on any one of His priorities for us, to the neglect of the others.

Sometimes this is motivated from wounds in our heart involving our sense of identity, value, and worth. We feel the only way to have significance or be worthy is to work without ceasing. We can never do enough, and we feel guilty if we aren’t working. We need to achieve or to please others. This need to earn our worth or the approval and acceptance of others drives us to an unhealthy, out of balance life. Our fear of disappointing others or failure causes us to say “Yes” when we should say “No”.

Unrealistic Expectations

For some the answer to “How much should I give?” is always MORE. Nothing is ever good enough and we live with a constant feeling of guilt, that we aren’t doing enough. Especially in western culture we can buy into the myth of 110%. We talk about giving this or that 110%!

The truth is, we can’t even give anything 100%. Further, God isn’t asking us to give 100% of our time, energy, or attention to any one thing. If we did, we would be neglecting many other things that are important to God.

To some this may sound like sacrilege, but you can’t even do “your very best” at anything. For any area of your life, if you devoted 16 hours of everyday (allowing 8 hours for sleep), 7 days a week, 365 days a year you would do it better. That’s not possible! The question isn’t, what is your “very best”, the real question is “How much time, energy, effort would the Lord have me give to this?” The question is – What is “good enough”? If it’s “good enough” for the King – then believe me, it is indeed Good Enough. Even if you know it could be done better or it’s not good enough for others.

It is your King’s expectations that matter. So long as He is pleased with your stewardship of time and energy, that needs to be good enough for you. It is to Him alone that you will give account for your life.

This means you must daily be talking with the King about His priorities for your time. If you feel like the King is an unrelenting task master, there’s a real good chance that has more to do with wounds from some experiences in your life than Jesus.

Poor Work and Personal Boundaries

Boundaries, simply put, are how we use our “YES” and “NO” to manage our life. For reasons discussed above, many of us struggle to know when we should say YES and how to say NO. As a result, we commit ourselves to more than we should, and we allow others control our lives.

This doesn’t feel good and leads to resentment, but we find it easier than disappointing or upsetting others. We would rather avoid the conflict and neurotic guilt (false feelings of guilt when we haven’t violated God’s heart) than assert healthy boundaries.

Inadequate Self-Care

The buck stops with you when it comes to self-care. When you were a child it was your parent’s responsibility to take care of you. As an adult, that responsibility rest squarely on your shoulders. God has given you the job of caring for the most precious resource/asset you have – your body.

Without it you cannot complete the good works God has prepared in advance for you, nor use it to bring glory to and revelation of your God or serve others as His body. You also cannot enjoy the abundant life He has created you for, experiencing all the good gifts and blessings he intends for you.

You cannot give what you do not have. You cannot lead others where you yourself have not gone. If you do not take good care of yourself, how then do you love others “in the same way” you do yourself and have that be a blessing to them? The only way to live life to the fullest, as God intends for you, is to be diligent about spiritual, physical, emotional, and intellectual self-care.

How to Prevent/Treat Burnout

The best way to treat burnout is to avoid it all together with good self-care practices.If you’re already deep into burnout you may need to take an extended break, anywhere from a week vacation to a year sabbatical, to revive and recalibrate your life.

If you don’t, you leave yourself vulnerable to the attacks of the enemy. Very often during seasons of burnout is where the enemy of your soul gets a hook in that he can use to kill, steal, and destroy your ministry.

Spiritual Self-Care

Your personal devotional life is key to your ability to lead others in spiritual growth. Too often this part of our life can become dry or mechanical. We go through the motions of attending services, reading our Bible, engaging a Bible study, and prayer. It loses its life though.

Spiritual self-care is about making space in your life to pursue an ever-deepening relationship with our King.While discipline and structure are helpful, you have to resist “checking the box”.

Give yourself permission to stop what isn’t working and pursue connection with God in ways that give life to your soul. Explore the spiritual disciplines. Since Adam and Eve people have been in relationship with God. The practices of relating and growing in God have developed and been practiced for millennia. There isn’t a one size fits all approach, but there is much to learn from those who have gone before you. Make space in your life to learn of the spiritual disciplines of saints of old, both the ones in your life and those you can read about.

Practice the Presence, mindfulness of God

Meditate on the Scriptures

Solitude and Silence, spending time in the presence of God apart from others

Corporate Worship

Prayer Journaling (think Psalms)

Prayer Walking

Fasting

Feasting & Celebration

Confession

Spiritual Retreats

Music

You have to realize also that spiritual self-care isn’t independent of other elements of self-care. Think about it like going on a date with your spouse (present or future). Sure, the structure of a regular date night is helpful, but if you are completely spent and show up emotionally, physically, and mentally drained…staring blankly at your spouse drooling on yourself…probably not going to experience much connection.

Getting up at 5 am for devotional time, when you didn’t get to bed until 2 am because you were engaging ministry (or Netflix) is probably not going to set you up for spiritual refreshing! Taking good care of your body enables you to spend quality time with God (and your spouse for that matter) that in turn is renewing to your soul. That’s not to say we don’t turn to God when we are entirely wasted by life, it just means that should be the norm for our life.

Physical Self-Care

In our health and fitness obsessed western culture it’s easy for the idea of physical self-care to get distorted. While caring for the physical nature of our body is important, it shouldn’t be disproportionally focused on.Healthy diet and exercise are not to be confused with godliness. Paul tells his mentee Timothy, physical exercise is of a little value, but godliness is much better, promising benefits in this life and in the life to come (1 Tim 4:8).

That being said, while 1 Corinthians 6:19 is talking about not having sex with temple prostitutes and has nothing to do with diet, exercise, alcohol or tobacco, it does matter how we care for our bodies.Neglecting the care of our body inhibits our ability to serve God and enjoy life to its fullest.

The BIG 4 of Physical Self-Care

Exercise

Diet

Sleep

Rest

Exercise

Stress has a physical, chemical, existence in our body. What we identify as the symptoms of “feeling stressed” is the product of the hormones adrenaline, cortisol, and neuro-epinephrine being released into our blood stream from our adrenal glands. These hormones create the stress response in our body and with chronic exposure depress our brain chemistry.

The best way to mitigate the of stress hormones in our body is to metabolize them through physical exercise. When we engage mild exercise, our body breaks down the stress hormones in our muscles and washes them out of our system through our sweat and urine. Unlike masking the symptoms of stress with medication, this actually reduces the levels in our body. Exercise is also proven to boost brain chemistry.

Diet

Our bodies run on the fuel and nutrition we receive from the food we eat. All of the organs in our body, including our brain, need adequate nutrition to function well. That means apart from thinking about diet from the vantage point of weight loss, more importantly we need to think about it in terms of our bodies nutritional needs. Are we feeding our self with adequate healthy nutrition to give our body the energy needed to engage life well? If we don’t feed our body good nutritious food at regular intervals, it won’t have what it needs to engage life full on.

Sleep

God could have made our bodies not need to sleep. It’s perfectly within his capabilities. Instead he chose to design our bodies to require a rhythm that includes 7-9 hours of sleep.Chronic neglect of adequate sleep will mess you up. There’s a reason why sleep deprivation is used as a form of torture.

The body and brain require sleep to rejuvenate. It’s like drinking water (which the body is about 70% made up of). You can’t drink 5 gallons of water on the weekend and not drink anything the rest of the week. It doesn’t work like that. In the same way you need to drink an adequate amount of water each day to avoid dehydration, so you need a solid amount of sleep each night to stay healthy. Neglecting sleep will decrease your performance and enjoyment of life, while increasing your risks of sickness and burnout.

Rest

Rest is different than sleep. While sleep happens while you are unconscious, rest is something that you engage while awake. It’s the sabbath commanded in the bible along with the celebrations and feasting. Time away from work to play, enjoy creation, connect with friends, and yes, sit and do nothing!, are important aspects of healthy self-care. Not to be mistaken with the work we do on Sunday in serving the body.

Emotional Self-Care

Emotional energy is a real thing. How you manage yours is HUGELY influential in your ability to engage life effectively. Chronic neglect of your emotional self is a clear path to burnout.

Emotional Intelligence

First thing you need to know is that there are things that increase your emotional energy reserves and things that drain them. Being familiar with the two and judicious about navigating them is key. This familiarity with your emotional self is known as EQ or emotional intelligence. Accept that God created you an emotional creature, on purpose.

While you shouldn’t be controlled by your emotions, they should inform you. You get familiar with your emotional self by first giving yourself permission to feel your emotions (even the unpleasant ones) and being curious about what they are telling you (remember God gave you emotions as information). You wouldn’t want to ignore the dashboard lights on your car and you don’t want to ignore what your emotions are telling you.

The best ways to develop emotional intelligence involving spending time with a notepad finding words or word pictures to match up with what you are feeling. Then to share them out loud with a trusted confidant (friend or spouse).

Unresolved Conflict or Wounds

Understand that unresolved conflict and wounds from your life experiences don’t just go away if you ignore them. Instead they continue on in the back of your mind like an open app on your phone draining away resources that are better used elsewhere. They drain your battery and rob resources that could be used to get other things done faster and better. Good emotional selfcare involves taking the time to find healing and resolution to these things so you don’t keep carrying them around.

How do you know if there are open issues that still need resolved? If you are listening to your emotions, they will tell you by the way you react when they get bumped into.If your reaction to a situation seems disproportionate to what’s happening, either to you or those around you, there’s a good chance it’s related to something that’s deeper than the present circumstances.

Have Boundaries

Boundaries are about self-control.They are the judicious use of your YES and NO to manage your life. They are more than just the expression of your wish or want. They are backed up with action. Learn to say NO to those things you can’t engage freely (without resentment) or that take time away from the things the Lord want’s you focused on or exceed the availability of your budgeted time for that category of activity at present.

Know the people and activities that charge your batteries emotionally and those that drain you. Place limits on the people and activities that drain you, so they don’ suck you dry, and be intentional about making time for the people and activities that add to your emotional energy reserves. For some people this is going to involve solitude (introverts) and others it’s going to be hanging out with certain people that jazz you up (extroverts). Know how God made YOU and honor that.

You are going to spend time around individuals that are a drain or tear you down. Sometimes they are people you are ministering to, or coworkers you have no choice but to be around, or even family at times. This is just part of life. You can, and should, however, be intentional about limiting your time with these kinds of people. Spend no more time than necessary to accomplish God’s purposes for your relationship with them and balance it with time with those that build you up.You do not have to be close friends with everyone or give your time to people just because they want it.

Love Languages

People receive love in different ways. What really connects for one person might be a complete miss for another. Knowing yourself helps you communicate to others the things that make you tick, empowering them to love you better. The five basic love languages are: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch.

Creative Expression

God is creative. Creativity is part of the image of God in us. Sometimes in the grind of daily life we don’t make space for creative expression. Find ways to give expression to this part of who you are and make time do so.

Internal Monologue

Be aware of your internal monologue. The enemy loves for you to be your own worst enemy be repeating to yourself the lies, condemnation, and character assault he has attacked you with through the voices of others through the years. We are often guilty of saying things to our self that we would never say to others, even those we don’t like! Sometimes these are echoes of the voice of our parents or other influential people in our lives. Wherever they come from they continue to have a destructive influence in our life if we don’t take control of them and change the conversation in our head.

3 Kinds of Relationships

Every person needs three kinds of relationships in their life.

Mentors – these are the individuals who are old enough to be your parents but are not your parents. They have the kind of relationship with their spouse and kids that you hope to have someday when you are their age. They’ve seen the road ahead of you and can share their experience to help you avoid some of the pitfalls. These are the people who pour into you.

Peers – these are your comrades, in the same station of life as you, facing the same challenges, endeavoring towards the same goals of being the men or women that God has designed you to be. It is in this group that you spur each other on to godliness, encourage, challenge, and have fun together. These are the people you share lifewith in community

Mentees – these are the individuals are at the station of life just behind you. You’ve been in their shoes and can share your experience to encourage them and help them avoid some of the pitfalls you stepped into. These are the people you are pouring into.

Emotionally healthy people have a good representation of people in each category in their life that they spend time with regularly. If you find yourself lacking in any, make it a matter of prayer and intentional seeking to develop them.

Intellectual Self-Care

Keep learning. God gave you a brain, an intellect you are either growing it or it is atrophying, there’s no staying in the same place. Use it or lose it. The business of life can seem to leave no time for professional or educational development, but it’s important. Read books, articles, listen to podcast, watch videos, take classes. Leaders are readers.

Keep expanding your intellect, God will use it to bless you and His kingdom. Stretching your brain intellectually will keep it from becoming rigid and will help you stay out of mental ruts. It will be a source of inspiration that helps you engage the work God has given you to do more creatively.

Learn from the best practices of those who have come before you. There’s nothing new under the sun (and I think Solomon borrowed that from somebody). Make new mistakes, don’t repeat ones that could be easily avoided by learning from others. Stand on the shoulders of the smart people who have made advancements in generations past. Don’t get hung up on their shortcomings and rob yourself of the wealth of knowledge that is there. Eat the meat and spit out the proverbial bones.

Appreciate the candid feedback of others and seek out thoughtful dissenting voices.You may not agree with them but learning to listen and earnestly ask questions will guarantee you learn a lot and make better decisions.

Burnout Conclusion

In one form or another God wants to continue using your giftings to accomplish his purposes for your life across your entire life. Until your death or the return of our King, you have value to offer. Don’t allow the enemy to convince you otherwise or prematurely knock you out of the race. Be aware of the schemes of our enemy and develop the selfcare disciplines that will empower a lifetime of effective Kingdom ministry.

The Word Became Flesh

With all it’s needs, weaknesses, fragilities, and limitations – God took on a human body.

If we’re not careful we can get buy into a kind of modern day gnostic heresy, where we deny the value of the body and the reality of our need to care for it.

Deny Yourself – Not Your Humanity

Denying oneself does not mean living in denial about your humanity. That’s not what Jesus did and it’s not what He’s asking you to do. God made you a human being with physical and emotional needs. Sleep, nutrition, exercise, and emotional refreshment are not luxuries or self-indulgences to squeeze in if you have time.

Loving Jesus first and taking up your cross daily doesn’t mean neglecting the needs God made your body with.It’s about crucifying your sinful attempts at being your own God. It may seem odd but neglecting self-care to push yourself beyond your God given limits can actually feed a sinful craving for self-sufficiency. So often our pride gets in the way, ultimately leaving us weak and vulnerable to the attacks of the enemy.

Accepting your God given limits and actively choosing to receive God’s gifts of Sabbath rest, food, play, and solitude are acts of worship and obedience.

Practice What You Preach…Like Jesus

Jesus, being fully God and fully man regularly set aside time to be alone and to enjoy meals with friends.

The Scriptures record that Jesus often got away from the people for some solitude. Even though they sought him out, with legitimate needs He could have met, He instead disappointed them with priorities that differed from theirs (Mk 1:35, Luke 5:16). He even needed breaks from His own ministry team (Matt 14:22-23).

Jesus isn’t an Egyptian task master driving us with unrelenting standards. He’s the one that says, I want to lift your heavy burdens and give you rest. What he is calling you to is easy to bear (Matt 11:28-30).

While man does not live by bread alone, Jesus didn’t shy away from caring for the body. Whether washing feet, frequently attending dinner parties, suppling the wine, fish, and bread by miraculous means or cooking breakfast for the disciples after the resurrection – Jesus embraced reclining at the table with friends. Sometimes letting the work wait to sit still in the presence of our King is the better choice, at least that’s what Jesus told Martha (Lk 10:38-42).

Leaders – It starts with you.

As a leader it starts with you. Have you ever been on a flight and heard the flight attendant say “In the event the cabin loses pressure oxygen masks will fall, if you’re traveling with a child, put your mask on first…”. Put your mask on first?! That doesn’t sound very loving. But wait, what happens to the child if you pass out? Who will look out for them and care for them?

It’s this point that Paul was trying to make when he told the leaders at Ephesus, “Guard yourselves, and God’s people.” You guard yourself first because who will feed and shepherd the flock if you get knocked out of the game (Acts 20:28). If the church is the hope of the world and its future is in the hands of its leaders (Bill Hyble quote) this only makes sense.

Moses, Jesus, Paul, and James all exhort us to love our neighbors as our self (Lev. 19:18, Mk 12:31, Rom 13:9, Jas 2:8). In Ephesians we read husbands love your wives like your own body. Both of these commands presuppose that you are taking good care of yourself, just as Christ cares for His body (Eph 5:28-30).

Schemes of The Enemy

Paul and Peter exhort us to be mindful of the schemes of the enemy so that we can stand firm and continue in the good works that God has prepared in advance for us (1 Peter 5:8, Eph. 6:11, 2 Cor 2:11). If we neglect taking care of our self it leaves us weak and vulnerable to the attacks of the enemy.

Yet we are so prone to it. In fact, we are so inclined to neglect things like rest that God commanded it! Paul has to urge Timothy to make sure he takes care of himself (1 Tim 5:23), Moses father-in-law has to confront him to say “You have to stop this insanity! You’re going to burn yourself out, and then where are the people going to be?” (rough translation of Ex 18:17-23).

The enemy even uses our passion for God and our role in His kingdom against us.

“If you really trusted God you wouldn’t be struggling with this.”

“You wouldn’t be feeling this way if you really loved Jesus.”

“If people knew about your struggle why would they want to follow Christ.”

“If anyone finds out your ministry will be ruined.”

“You can do all things through Christ who strengthens you, therefore you don’t need rest, food, water, or anything or anyone.”

Just like with Jesus during the temptation, Satan twist the scriptures to try and trip us up and keep us trapped in a weak, vulnerable, and ineffective place.

Pride is the Enemy

Pride is the enemy, humility is the answer. We have to humbly accept the frailty of our humanity. Our dependence on God, His body, and the means by which he has provided for the care of our body.

We have to be willing to allow others to share our burdens with us, to confess our struggles, and reach out for help so that we can be healed.

Self-care isn’t selfish or self-indulgent, it’s good stewardship of the resource of our body that enables us to make the best use of it and the time God has given us. It’s a spiritual discipline that acknowledges the realities of our finite bodies and worships God through taking care of the gift He has given us, so we can accomplish the good works He’s prepared in advance for us.

Love is a Verb

Happily ever after isn’t easy to make happen, no matter what Hollywood says. It’s work building a lasting relationship. But most anything worthwhile is. You may have “fell” in love when dating, however, when the new wears off you’re going to have to work to make love happen.

Make Your Marriage Priority #1

Do your actions, schedule, and budget show your spouse is #1 in your life after God? Nothing else is more influential on your quality of life and the health of your kids than the relationship between you and your spouse.

Marriage Priority Test

Answer True or False for the following statements: Almost always…

I spend more time engaging my spouse than I do watching TV or on my phone.

I interrupt whatever I am doing if my spouse wants my attention?

I recognize in a significant way my spouse’s birthday, our anniversary, and other special days.

My spouse and I go on vacations alone together at least once per year.

I have at least one personal and meaningful discussion with my spouse per week for at least 25 minutes.

When my spouse phones I make time to talk.

I speak to my spouse about non-logistical matters at least twice per day.

When my spouse walks into the house, I interrupt whatever I am doing to greet my spouse.

If I’m with my spouse and some one else phones I don’t take the call.

When something significant happens in my life I share it with my spouse first.

When we go to social functions I spend at least half the time talking with my spouse.

When I walk into the house the first thing I do is greet my spouse.

I spend more time interacting with my spouse than any one else in my life.

When I need someone to talk to I talk to my spouse.

My spouse and I go out alone together at least once per week.

I have photographs of my spouse in my office, wallet, or phone.

I do unnecessary thoughtful things for my spouse regularly.

* Adapted from Mort Fertel’s “Put Love First Marriage Assessment”

Love isn’t Selfish with Time

Putting your spouse and marriage first requires time and focus. There is no substitute. Soulmates aren’t perfect for each other, they love each other with all their imperfections. Take an interest in the things that interest your spouse. You don’t have to be interested in the same things, you just have to be interested in your spouse.

Be the one they look forward to hang together. Find a hobby that you can both enjoy and engage together. Trade “Me” time for “We” time. That doesn’t mean you can’t ever have activities in your life that don’t include your spouse, but these should be limited and far less than together activities.

Be a good parent – put your spouse first.

Having quality time with your kids is important. Even more important is having quality time with your spouse. Kids need the security and relational learning that comes from a mom and dad that are passionately in love with each other.

You can’t give to them what you don’t have. If you don’t give them the gift of knowing what a healthy marital relationship looks like, how will they know how to have that for themselves as an adult? They’re not going to get in high school or college, that’s for sure.

There is No Substitute for Quality Time

Your relationship is like a tomato plant. All the conditions for growing plump, delicious tomatoes can be perfect: great sun, fence to keep the animals out, soil with just the right mix of nutrients, spray to keep the bugs away – but if you don’t water it, it won’t grow.

You can’t dump 100 gallons on your tomato plant once a year and expect it to not need water the rest of the time (think vacation). The ground can only soak up so much at a time and the rest rolls off. There’s also no such thing as “super wet water” that only requires minimal application because it’s so super quality (we don’t spend very much time together, but we make sure it’s “quality” when we do).

No, your tomato plant is going to need regular, daily watering if it’s going to bear fruit. Without it the flowers will die, the leaves will wither, and before long there will only be scorched earth.

So it is with your relationship and quality time, there’s no substitute.

Minimum Quality Time for a Healthy Relationship

As a rule of thumb, I recommend the following quality time schedule for all couples as a minimum for keeping their relationship healthy:

15-20 min a Day

At some point in the day, every day, make some time to give your spouse your undivided attention and meaningful conversation. This could be morning coffee together, pillow talk before bed, or any number of other forms. It’s best to have a bit of a ritual though to make it a habit. Having it be a habit will increase the likelihood of it happening consistently. Try to keep it up even when apart by Facetime or phone call.

1 hour Sync Meeting a week

This is the business meeting for your family, where you and your spouse get on page about schedules and upcoming decisions, so you don’t have to use your date time for this.

2-4+ hours a week

Date night is what most couples call this, though it could be breakfast, lunch, dinner, late night dancing. When our kids were young going to the grocery store without children felt like a date! The important thing is that it’s a time of relaxed “hanging out” without kids. Have fun together and enjoy some adult conversation without interruptions every 2 seconds.

An Overnight Once a Quarter (24hours+)

An overnight or weekend getaway where you spend a full day or two with your honey enjoying life as lovers and friends is so very important to staying in love. Whether it’s a romantic getaway to somewhere tropical, or a staycation at a local hotel – having a relaxed time to enjoy each other’s presence without children is key.

We don’t have time to do that!

Activity

Time

Frequency

Yearly Total Hours

Conversation

15mn

Daily

92

Sync

1hr

Week

52

Date

2hr

Week

104

Get-Away

1 day

Quarterly

96

344 hours

There are 8,760 hours in a year. At 344 hours, it takes less than 4% of your time to give the most important relationship in your life the priority it needs to be healthy.

Love The One You’re With

Most people mistakenly think the key to marital happiness is a matter of finding the “right person” by luck or providence. If this your mindset there’s a good chance you’re divorced or you will be. The real secret isn’t finding the “right one”, it’s learning to love the one you’re with.

Pop, Fizz, Flat

Lot’s of energy, time, and money are put into trying to find, attract, and lock down that special someone. The feeling of being in love is phenomenal and makes the sun shine brighter on the darkest or brightest day. Then, after the initial hormonal high of love wears off, the pop and fizz goes flat.

The truth is lasting love actually has very little to do with finding the right person or what we’re feeling after the new shine wears off. Instead it’s about knowing how to “make love” in your heart toward your spouse. Yet the majority put very little effort into learning how to love, even though they deeply long for love.

Am I with the right person?

If you’re asking if you’re with the right person, you’re asking the wrong question. If you buy an iPhone and you can’t figure out how to use it, trading it out for a different brand of smartphone isn’t going to fix the problem. You have to learn how to use it.

Learn to Make Love

You have to learn how to make love. There are universal principles that control our experience of love. If you learn and apply these laws, you can produce predictable results in your marriage. You can make a connection that will make the difference.

3 Marriage Options

The way I see it, you have 3 options.

Lower Your Expectations

This is the option that most couples, who don’t divorce, take. Once the sizzle fades, they accept that marriage isn’t going to be what they hoped for. They surrender to not being passionately in love and find a pattern of life that get’s them by, surviving but not thriving.

Divorce

We are creative creatures, when we put our mind to finding a way to justify our choices we can generally come up with something. So finding a reason to give up and stop trying won’t be too difficult. But, it also wont be too satisfying. Unlike with the airlines, our baggage is guaranteed to show up at our new destination. Once the pop and fizz goes flat there, you’ll be back in the same boat. Just with more pain, regret, and less money. Let me save you a bunch of all of the above – this isn’t a good option. Even when it’s necessary, it’s a terrible option.

Love The One You’re With

Just because you’ve tried everything you know doesn’t mean you’ve tried everything and it’s hopeless. The laws of love are universal and are learnable. Invest the time and effort to apply them and you will reap the relational benefits from doing so. They can be found in the Bible, in books, videos, and the wise words of those who have mastered them in their own marriage. You just have to be humble enough to seek them out and embrace them.

Worth It

Few, if any, investments in life have the kind of quality of life return that learning how to love does. It’s worth everything you put in to gain the happiness it produces.

Are you too busy for sex?

Work, kids, church, groceries, dinner, laundry, Bible study, small group, friends, family, Facebook….sleep. Who has time or energy for sex? Even on vacation, we’re running from one activity to the next. Finding time or mental focus for romance is harder than it sounds.

Previously we discussed how fatigue kills your sex drive and what to do about it. Is it possible though to be simply too busy for sex? Of course it is!

There are only 24 hours in the Day

There are only so many hours in a day. Never enough to get done all the things there are to get done. There are, however, enough to accomplish all the things that are important to God that you get done. Where do you think your marriage fits on God’s priority list?

True or False

A strong relationship with your husband is more important than:

Catching up on what your girlfriend made for dinner on Facebook?

Folding the towels?

The latest episode of The Voice?

Clean bathrooms?

Saying “yes” to volunteering at that church event so you won’t disappoint anyone?

The kids getting to do all the activities they want?

Good vs Best

For some people time wasters like TV, Netflix, and social media consume a huge chunk of their time that could be better spent elsewhere. For most of us, though it’s not the “time wasters” that keep us from God’s best for us, it’s all the “good” things. There are far more “good things” than there is time: Kids activities, volunteer opportunities, friends/family with needs, Bible studies, etc. All these things are “good” – but they can still cause your life to be out of balance such that the most important things get neglected. You can have too much of a good thing.

There’s enough time in each week to allow you to fulfill every priority God has truly given you. If you’re giving too much time to any one area, it is robbing from another.Every “YES” is a “NO” to something else.

Is sex really all that important?

YES! By God’s design, sex is one of the primary ways a man emotionally bonds with his wife. It’s normal, because of the way your hormone cycle effects sex drive, for you to only feel like initiating sex a couple days a month. Your husband likely needs more than that to feel close and connected with you. It’s a huge part of his identity. Imagine if he only spoke to you a couple days a month. How close would you feel to him?

Do It for the Kids.

More than activities or even a home cooked meal, your kids need their mom and dad to have a solid relationship. Where else will they learn what a healthy marriage looks like? How else will they know how to relate to their spouse someday?

There is No Substitute for Quality Time

Your relationship is like a tomato plant. All the conditions for growing plump, delicious tomatoes can be perfect: great sun, fence to keep the animals out, soil with just the right mix of nutrients, spray to keep the bugs away – but if you don’t water it, it won’t grow.

You can’t dump 100 gallons on your tomato plant once a year and expect it to not need water the rest of the time (think vacation). The ground can only soak up so much at a time and the rest rolls off. There’s also no such thing as “super wet water” that only requires minimal application because it’s so super quality (we don’t spend very much time together, but we make sure it’s “quality” when we do). No, you’re tomato plant is going to need regular, daily watering if it’s going to bear fruit. Without water the flowers will die, the leaves will wither, and before long there will only be scorched earth.

So it is with your relationship and quality time, there’s no substitute.

Minimum Quality Time for a Healthy Relationship

As a rule of thumb, I recommend the following quality time schedule for all couples as a minimum for keeping their relationship healthy:

15-20 min a Day

At some point in the day, every day, make some time to give your spouse your undivided attention and meaningful conversation. This could be morning coffee together, pillow talk before bed, or any number of other forms. It’s best to have a bit of a ritual though to make it a habit. Having it be a habit will increase the likelihood of it happening consistently. Try to keep it up even when apart by Facetime or phone call.

2-4+ hours a week

Date night is what most couples call this, though it could be breakfast, lunch, dinner, late night dancing. When our kids were young going to the grocery store without children felt like a date! The important thing is that it’s a time of relaxed “hanging out” without kids. Have fun together and enjoy some adult conversation without interruptions every 2 seconds.

An Overnight once a Quarter

An overnight or weekend getaway where you spend a full day or two with your honey enjoying life as lovers and friends is so very important to staying in love. Whether it’s a romantic getaway to somewhere tropical, or a staycation at a local hotel – having a relaxed time to enjoy each other’s presence without children is key.

Sex 1-2x a Week

Every couple is different and this isn’t intended to be a hard and fast rule, but most couples find an average of 1-2 times a week for sex is a good minimum for staying connected. This could be in the morning before work, afternoon lunch quickie, in the evening after we get the kids in bed, or on the weekend.

Put it on the Calendar!

Planning ahead and scheduling time together highly increases the chances that it will actually happen. If you don’t put it on the calendar, there’s a really good chance it won’t happen consistently enough.

Some object to the idea of scheduling a time to connect sexually, feeling it removes the spontaneity or fearing they won’t be able to perform. The truth is that blocking out the time allows for great variety and creativity as you plan ahead, looking forward to the time. Your body is designed to respond to sexual stimuli, so you don’t need to worry about whether or not it will become aroused. It also lends itself to some fun, playful flirting throughout the day.

Plus, just because you’ve planned a time to connect, doesn’t mean you can’t connect spontaneously at other times as well. Planning justensures that at least we’ll connect at this frequency.

Quality time and sexually connecting are important to the health of your marriage – make them a priority.

Why does enjoying sex matter?

If you’re a high desire woman, the answer to the question “Why should enjoying sex matter for married women?” is simple – “Because I want to enjoy lots of mind blowing sex!” If you’re on the lower end of the libido spectrum, however, that answer doesn’t resonate with you.

So why should a low libido married woman care about ENJOYING sex?

3 thoughts for you to consider on the subject:

1st God Designed You to Enjoy Sex

First of all, it’s an undeniable medical fact that God designed your body to enjoy sex, even more than your husband. Your clitoris has more nerve endings than any other part of human anatomy, male or female, and it only serves 1 purpose – Your sexual enjoyment. You can have a variety of orgasmic experiences, you can have multiple consecutive orgasms, you have multiple neuron-pathways for sexual pleasure – none of these are true for husband.

The take away is: God wants you to really enjoy sex. If you’re not, you’re missing out on something that God has for you.

2nd God Designed Your Husband to Want You To Want Sex with Him

Believe it or not, your husband isn’t just interested in having sex with your body. He actually wants to have sex with you as a person, his bride. While sexual arousal for men is largely physical, sexual fulfillment is more about feeling accepted, wanted, and affirmed in our masculinity. [Read more here: Why Sex Is So Important To Men]

All illicit sex appeals to this need in men. The women of pornography, prostitution, strip clubs, are communicating “I want you”, “Your masculinity turns me on”, “I accept you and think you’re great”. Every mans heart longs to feel these things – from his wife.

“Duty sex” doesn’t communicate these things. Just being willing to let your husband use your passive body to “get off” because “it’s been a while” is not even close to fulfilling to a man.

He wants to share something with you that is mutually enjoyable and that you both look forward to. Look at this way, have you ever been trying to have a conversation with your husband and you can clearly tell from his body language and lack of engagement he’d rather be having a root canal than talking to you right now? Or at least he’s thinking “There’s got to be something on TV more interesting than listening to you.” How does that make you feel?

3rd If You Don’t Enjoy Sex, Desire Will Die Altogether

Duty sex is a desire killer. If you engage sex but don’t enjoy it, eventually, your sex drive will all together disappear. Frustration and resentment with your husbands sex drive will grow, and the conflict will drive a wedge between the two of you in your marriage.

I see this often as one factor in empty-nest divorces and in affair situations.

Learn How to Enjoy Sex

The only solution I know of is to learn how to enjoy the wonderful gift of sexual pleasure God has wired into your body. There are lots of reasons you might not be now. I’ve written here about the top 10 reasons I see in my practice, Why Married Women Don’t Want Sex. Fortunately there’s an incredibly high success rate for those who want to learn how to enjoy sex (9 out to 10). God want’s you to enjoy sex, your husband wants you to enjoy sex, and you’ll be happy about it once you do as well.

Joyce Penner, one of my mentors in sex therapy, has written a great book for you: Enjoy! If you need more help, give us a call, 85-55-WE-HELP – One of the sex therapists on our team will be happy to help you figure out what’s getting in the way and design a treatment plan that will help you get there. We see clients nationwide Online and In-Person at our offices.

Does being sexy feel dirty to you?

Growing up we can sometimes receive the message that sexual desire is lust and only promiscuous girls want sex. This belief that sex is slutty/dirty and that you are bad for having sexual feelings, especially as a single person, leads us to feel bad about the sexual part of ourselves. Pleasing God and being horny are seen to be incompatible.

This is especially true for those who grew up in a very religious home. Sometimes the message that “sex is holy” is interpreted to mean that sexy feelings or the desire to engage sexually any way other than “missionary style” is a sinful corruption of God’s design for sex.

What follows is feeling bad about yourself any time you experience sexual feelings. So you learn to shut down your sexual feelings. This tends to get in the way of desire for sex.

God Made You Horny

Who designed your body? Who’s idea was it to wire your neurology and hormones to give you sexual feelings, desires, thoughts?

Truth: God made you horny. From a physiological standpoint, it is an undeniable fact that God wants women to enjoy sex even more than men. Take for example, that a woman’s clitoris has more nerve endings than any other part of human anatomy male or female. Further, it serves zero functional purposes other than a woman’s sexual pleasure. In contrast, a man’s penis is a multi-functional tool. It aids him in urination and reproduction in addition to being an instrument of pleasure.

It doesn’t stop there. Women possess at least three separate neuropathways associated with sexual pleasure, to a man’s one. Women are capable of enjoying a variety of orgasmic experiences whereas men really only have one. Male orgasm may vary in intensity, but it is basically the same feeling and geographic location. Even more, women have the physiological capacity for an unlimited number of consecutive orgasms. There is probably a world record out there somewhere, but I wouldn’t recommend googling it. Men, on the other hand, get just one followed by a waiting period ranging from minutes to hours.

Conclusion: God wants women to enjoy sexual pleasure!

Distortions of Sex Displease God

Distortions of sex displease God. This includes the distortion that comes from well-meaning church people who make sex and sexual feelings out to be something evil or bad. It’s the ditch on the other side of the road from the secular hedonism that says there are no boundaries for sex, do whatever you please, with whomever you please, whenever you please.

In a world full of secular distortions of sexuality, where perverts and sexual predators lurk, it’s no wonder we the church are afraid of sex.

“If you love Jesus enough, you will NEVER be horny, especially if you’re single.”

“Any expression of gender affirmation or insinuation that “I think you’re attractive” is flirting. Flirting is sinning. YOU MUST PRETEND YOU FIND NO ONE ATTRACTIVE.”

“Asexual = Godly”

All of these messages, and many more, either spoken or implied through silence, result in beliefs about sex that do not come from God or the Bible. They don’t represent God’s revealed thoughts, as expressed in the Bible, about sex.

The Bible Celebrates Sex

Would it surprise you to know there’s an entire book of the Bible dedicated to the romantic sexual pursuit of a man after a woman and her desire for him (Song of Solomon). The flirtatious, romantic desires that draw a woman and man towards each other with longings for each other, leading to marriage, is God’s design.

The physical realities of our sexual desire are a metaphor for the longing that God has for His people. God desires to be one with us, indwelling us by His Spirit as we share an intimate love affair together. He describes Himself as a husband and we His special creation, as a bride, Whom He is passionate about and longs to be intimate with.

Consider, that according to Christianity, unlike any other religion, when we approach God giving our self to Him, the Bible says the Spirit of God literally indwells our body. The vulnerable, intimate act of intercourse between a husband and wife is a physical revelation of that spiritual truth. Further, God’s drive to be with us is constant and unrelenting…kind of like some husbands.

God’s loving pursuit of us and our enthusiastic response to Him shows us what a healthy sexual relationship in marriage is supposed to look like.Likewise, God appreciates and enjoys when we too initiate times of intimate connection with Him.

How To Embrace Positive Feelings About Sex

Before you can embrace positive feelings about sex, you first have to identify your negative ones. Often we’ve been so submerged in negative messages about sexuality that we aren’t even consciously aware of the misbeliefs that we hold about it.

Trace It Back

Take a sheet of paper and create a timeline of all the things you learned about sex and whom those thoughts came from.

How was nudity handled around your house?

How were your genitals talked about?

What reactions did your parents/adults have when you touched yourself as a child?

Did your parents discuss sex openly?

How did you learn about the “birds & the bees”?

What did you learn from siblings, family members, friends, the locker room at school?

What were the messages you got from the church/youth group?

When do you first remember having sexual feelings or thoughts? What was your response to them? How did you feel about them?

Did these experiences help you have positive feelings about sexuality or negative?

Write a Sexual Fantasy

Take a sheet of paper and create a sexual story about you and your husband. Make it as romantic and arousing as you can imagine.

What feelings are provoked just by reading the above two sentences? Positive or negative? Do you find yourself not wanting to do the exercise?

By this point, you probably accept, in your head at least, that God views sexual passion between you and your husband as positive. So what is getting in the way of you letting yourself imagine, think about, and look forward to sexual experiences together?

At first, you probably won’t be able to identify it. Keep trying to do the exercise and keep thinking about the feelings it stirs and bring them into conscious awareness by writing them down.

Challenge Distortions with Truth

For each of the negative feelings, thoughts, or beliefs that you identify in these exercises create a counter statement that affirms the positive nature of God’s thoughts about sex. Write down the truth statements.

Examples:

Distortion: I feel dirty.
Truth: Sex and sexual feelings are a beautiful gift from God.

Distortion: I feel ashamed or guilty.
Truth: God designed me to have sexual feelings and desires, He wants me to enjoy them and pursue them with my husband.

Distortion: I shouldn’t want these things.
Truth: Any mutually respectful and pleasurable sexual act between husband and wife, that doesn’t bring in a third party, is permissible to experiment and play with. God loves variety and creativity.

Experiment

Experiment with intentionally being flirtatious and sexually forward with your husband. Make a point to be receptive / respond positively to your husband’s advances. Notice the feelings you have as you think about and try doing so. Use the truth statements you have formulated to combat negative and anxiety producing thoughts/feelings. Talk about them out loud with your husband. Pray together, thanking the Lord for the sexual part of yourself and relationship. Ask for God’s help in experiencing as GOOD what He has created to be good for you.

Feeling Sexy | Sexual Confidence

Feeling attractive/sexy is an important driver for a woman’s sexual desire. If you don’t feel sexy, you’re probably going to have difficulty desiring to engage sexually. This is different than men, who are more driven by how attractive they find their spouse than how attractive they think they themselves are.

If you feel uncomfortable with your body or believe it is unattractive this is going to get in the way of you wanting to be naked with your husband. This can also take the form of you lacking confidence in engaging sexually. If you are afraid your attempts at being sexy will come off as awkward and embarrassing, you are more likely to avoid sexual encounters.

Sexual Confidence

You’re going to have to work at it. Almost no one is born with an innate sense of confidence, we all have to work hard to earn it. It’s worth it though, the more confident you are the more you will enjoy sex.

True sexual confidence is about being relaxed, knowledgeable about yourself, willing to learn about your spouse, ready to ask for what you need, happy to take charge, and undeterred by failure or rejection. Being sexually confident makes you a great lover, able to both give and receive with an equal abundance of pleasure.

This has nothing to do with looks. Don’t be manipulated by the media. If you don’t love your body, change your mind. Men are almost always more focused on sensation and the feelings of acceptance that sex gives than on your size, shape, or degree of firmness. If when you are unclothed he has an erection, then he not only accepts your shape but craves your body. You’re not doing him or yourself any favors by obsessing over insecurities.

Don’t assume that just because you’re uncomfortable with yourself that your husband is as well. You can go back to obsessing over all your imperfections after you’re done having amazing rowdy sex with the man you married, who either doesn’t notice your imperfections or doesn’t care.

Beauty is in the Eye of the Beholder

You have to see yourself as sexy before you can expect that to translate to your husband. You need to feel good about your body. This begins with your internal dialogue. If every time you pass a mirror you have something derogatory to say about your looks, how are you ever going to feel good about yourself? Knowing you’re desirable sends a vibe that is incredibly enticing regardless of how closely your body fits a media standard.

Feel Good Naked

Smile in the mirror, and say something kind to yourself. Especially when getting out of the shower naked.

Exercise. It’s not so much about reaching a goal as it is feeling better about yourself. Regular exercise is proven to help you feel better about your body. It increases flexibility, athletic bedroom performance, feel good endorphins, and yes body shape.

Sing LOUD in the shower, get over yourself and have fun naked, soapy, and steamy.

Compliment EVERYONE you see or interact with, either in your head or out loud. Noticing the praiseworthy attributes in others helps you notice them in yourself.

Give yourself the same pep-talk you would a girlfriend or daughter struggling with body image woes.

Turn up the music and dance like nobodies watching – nothings better for working through self-consciousness. Try dancing around on the bed in your underwear to take it to the next level.

Try a naked day, or hour. Close the curtains, lock the door, turn up the heat, and while the kids are at school or down for a nap, wander about the house naked. The point is to work through the inhibitions you have around your body so you can feel more comfortable naked.

Buy Some Sexy Clothes

You know your clothes affect the way you feel. When you look cute, you feel cute. When you look sexy, you’ll feel sexy. I’m not talking about being immodest, no one has to know you have on a new sexy underwear set – but you will. Combine that with an outfit that you feel complements your figure and you are well on your way.

Take a Mirror and Look at Your Vagina

Ok, actually it’s your vulva, your vagina is inside your body. You can’t confidently share your body with your husband if you aren’t first comfortable with it yourself. A hand mirror works best.

Learn What Feels Good to You

Many women, especially if you grew up in church as a young girl, were raised to believe sex is dirty and you shouldn’t touch yourself. This is nowhere in the Bible. In Bible college I studied Biblical languages, 3 years of Greek and 2 years of Hebrew. I’ve read the Bible cover to cover many times – You will not find “Thou shall not touch yourself, or I will be very upset” anywhere in the Bible. God made your body pleasurable to touch and nowhere says not to, you do the math.

Being familiar with your body, what feels good and acts as an accelerator for desire, is key to enjoying yourself sexually with your husband.Consider giving yourself permission to discover how God has wired your body for sexual pleasure. A good place to start is with a vibrator. You can order one from Amazon, like this NU Sensuelle Point, and have it delivered right to your door. Women who know their bodies, what turns them on, enjoy sex more.

Be Good in Bed

Learn what feels good to him. Feeling confident that you know how to bring sexual pleasure to your husband builds sexual confidence. Being good at sex is really about your ability to respond to your husband’s body language and verbal communication.

If you want to increase your confidence in your abilities, ask him what he enjoys. It’s really that easy. It’s incredibly attractive for you to pay more attention to your husband in bed than what you look like. Educating yourself sexually will help you feel more confident.

Becoming a sexual woman can be exciting and terrifying.

You have to decide you want to have better sex. No one can decide this for you and it won’t get better if you don’t. Doing it for your husband won’t work. Great sex is a kind of play, make your mind up to be good at it.

Partners For Strong Families

Cassie and I founded Partners For Strong Families in 2011 with a conviction that families are the building blocks of society. Strengthen families and you strengthen the whole community. This … [Continue Reading...]

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