June 06, 2005

The Girl

A Crayola sun scribbled on paper with long, green lines for grass. Blue V's adorn the sky, joined with fuzzy cotton balls glued to a page.

This was her life.

Grey linoleum that bounces back when you hop on it. Long, wooden tubes nailed into walls. Pale pink legswith cotton slippers dance across the floor, praying for the teachers approval.

This was her life.

Yelling substitutes for an alarm clock. That's how the Girl knows it's time for school. Don't hurt her, stop. Fingerprints left the neck of someone she cares about, but no marks...they're easy to hide. Is this the same Daddy that plays Dinosaur with the Girl and sings to her about dreaming as she falls asleep? Can he really treat two people that differently? The Girl would realize as she grew up that he treated them the same.

This was her life.

Five red and blue lights cover the house, lighting up the summer sky reminiscent of fireworks. The Girl's heart is in her throat. Her shaky hands attempting to cover her eyes, but what's the point? She's smart, she knew what happened. She doesn't sleep, She doesn't want to talk. She's fearful of Daddy...was that Mommy's plan? Who cares. She's a kid from a broken home now.

This was her life.

Bones characterize the perfect body. Her sharp jawline, concave stomach and rib-exposed back define her security. The more he touches her, the tinier she wishes to become. The Girl feels like a whore, yet she never tells. She becomes frozen, out of her body and looking at the scene. She's dead when he feels her. Caresses, kisses, hugs, groping...they don't define love, but rather express one man's perverted desires. The Girl receives presents and approval but at what price? It doesn't matter anymore, she's already dead inside.

This was her life.

Crimson wrists created by any sharp object. The deeper the cut, the less it hurt. Stars, words, lines...anything to remove pain on the inside. At times, the crimson is camouflaged by gauze covering a web of lies. As the pain intensifies, so does the web. After all, they can't know. The Girl trusts no one anymore, no one except her coping strategies.

This was her life.

A long night coming. It was bound to happen. School became too much, life had become exhausting. The Girl went back on her promise. She picked up the habit once laid at the altar of the Most High. She didn't want to go on. But something stopped her. Someone stood in the gap. Someone perhaps worthy of her trust.

Serving a God who is all knowing, all powerful and all loving, the Girl becomes wrapped up in His arms and protected. The vices are still out there, wanting to creep in. Wanting to once again gain control. But this Girl isn't willing to compromise anymore. Too much is expected of her for her to falter again. But just in case, she knows she can fall into the arms of a loving Daddy from above. Her past is in the past and she's moving on. She is His child now. She is perfect, daughter of a King.

June 05, 2005

The Mirror

I used to carry a mirror aroundeverywhere I went. That mirrordictated my every move. How I felt, how Italked, how I loved others. Thatmirror reminded me that my life wastainted.

According to the mirror, I would always carrybaggage, I would never be morethan my past. You can only live liked a cagedbird for so long. You come to apoint when you decide to forever stay cagedand stay with the familiar things,however painful or you decide to breakfree and explore uncharted territory,however scary.

One day, I decided to break free. Ismashed my mirror into bits and for once,didn't pick up the pieces. Afterall, the only thing you can see in a mirror iswhat is behind you. Stopreminding yourself of how bad it is and start lookingout the window to seewhat is before you.