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Saturday, July 5, 2014

Self- Centered

I don't know a person who is not selfish. I don't think they exist. I'm pretty sure that at some point, if they were ever walking this earth, they would seize to exist. I don't think people should be selfless. I don't think you can live a whole life giving everything you have to others, nor do I think it's right. Our worlds seem to turn on a spindle, to circle around a mandrel, made entirely of ourselves. And what other way could there be? We can only see, smell, feel, taste and hear what is happening to us.
I think you are always thinking about yourself. Even do onto others means, basically, think about yourself, but in someone else's shoes. When you're doing something for other people's sake there is always a hidden agenda. Whether it is that you want them to be happy because if they were sad-it would make you sad, or because giving to society gives you a sense of self worth, or accomplishment, or fulfillment, in the end it all goes back to you. And I absolutely do not mean to say that's wrong. These feelings make you a compassionate human. Being able to resonate with other people, to feel empathy towards others, make us a community. It makes us human. That's the reason humanitarians are called humanitarians, I would think.
The only thing you can aspire to be, rather than be selfless, rather than devote your whole to others not considering your situation and your position in the game, is less selfish. In the end, if you give your whole to others, you won't be able to give anymore, 'cause you'll be dead. You'll either donate all your organs to sick people, give all the food and money you have ever possessed to someone in need, or I don't even want to think what else. And the worst part is, that even in your death you will be frustrated, because you haven't helped enough people.
Today was the loneliest day I have had in a long time. I haven't felt so lonely since lower school- when I was bullied. I felt like I have lost all my friends back home, and needed to cut the cord and move away, and just stop being hurt by people. I don't know necessarily what made the world so terribly angry with me this past month (again, gullible for thinking any of this is about me), but every friend seemed to turn against me, and I was in a puddle of tears in my Mama's lap like a ten years old.
The short end of it is that I was angry, much like in the last post, at a friend, because she was so fucking self centered she couldn't see past her own nose. And I turned out to be a hypocrite, because my best friend blamed me for the same exact offense. And I was hurt by Mr. Danger, because I felt like he lacks that same ability to see past his own nose, because every time we talk it's about him, and when it becomes about me finally, it comes from this weird judgmental place that I'm not ready for with my lack of ability to be confident in my skin.
In the end we were all our own little planets circling around in our own route, crashing into each other, causing a painful collision that hurt both parties, and exploded in our faces. All we had to do to avoid it was to look at a solar system model from our grammar school, to realize we're all surrounded by other little planets, much like our own, that each circle in different speed, different directions, and if we'd only clear a path for each other, and work in sync, we wouldn't hurt each other so much. And the most painful of all, for sure, was the bitter feeling of hypocrisy.
So I apologized to the friend I was too selfish around, and she never responded, and I don't know what will become of us. And I am hoping that the second friend does the same and grows up, but I doubt she'll ever see past her hurt, and I won't allow myself to be hurt again, much of it like the reasons listed above. I can't be a good friend to other people so long that I am solely devoting myself to a friendship that isn't mutual, so.. I don't know what will become of us. And I asked Mr. Danger, if it's OK with him, that we'll talk face to face this week, while he's available, because no matter what happens from here on out, we can't keep hiding from each other. But I don't know what will become of us.
So in all of this uncertainty that I very much created for myself, I choose to create a small new certainty. I want to be a little less self- centered. I want to be a little kinder. If I would have been able to see past myself, a lot of this hurt would be spared. And although it's not in my hands right now, and it's their time to roll the ball which ever direction they choose, for the sake of future relationships, and especially for the sake of future friendships, because up until now they were the only things I had, and they mean so much to me, I choose to judge less, be present more, listen more, talk less, and appreciate what I have, be grateful for those who care, because they're rare and sparse. I want to show those choose themselves to be a little less self- centered everyday, that their efforts are appreciated, and noted.
Hope you're having a good weekend, and please be kind, and try to be just a smidge less selfish everyday.
XOXO Roni J.