Question: So I started hittin’ it with this dude I like and well after we spent some time with each other and I played video games at his house for like 4 nights in a row, we “got together.” We had anal sex, the kind where I was on the receiving end. My question is, should I have let him have anal sex on me? He said it was what everyone does. But I wasn’t sure I liked it so I dunno what to think.

Our Answer: We usually hear this question from younger guys, or guys who are quite new on the scene or newly out. Since none of us are taught a THING about gay sex in school, we tend to go by definitions circulated around the gossip mill and in the media about gay sex. We’ve gotten one or two emails or chatted online with dudes who have had manual (hand) and oral sex with lots of their friends but figure they aren’t gay or – as more than oneperson has said- “not gay…..yet!” since they haven’t had anal sex. Well, they may not be gay, sure, but you also don’t have to have anal sex to have gay sex.

Anal sex is great fun most of the time, but it’s definitely not a requirement. You don’t have to have anal sex any more than you have to do any other thing if you don’t want to. And if you are only doing it ‘cuz you think the other person won’t like you unless they get to fuck you, well that’s the wrong reason. When people who are unfamiliar with sex in general ask us questions they jump very quickly to the anal sex part, as if no matter what the first time they have sex with someone, they will have to “put out.” But that’s not the case! Many gay men don’t even have anal sex, EVER, and it is not a requirement for a complete experience. Don’t worry about having anal sex the first time you are having sex, unless it’s something you want to do, then by all means have fun and be safe. You can have all kinds of fun without it though.

How do I figure out if I’m a top or a bottom? Do I have to?

OK, guys, as many of you know there’s this stuff that happens on the internet, especially in private chats, where you are chatting with some random guy and about the 3rd line into your Instant Message he asks you if you are a top or a bottom. For people who are new to the scene, this may be a strange question. And, when its so early on so often in conversation online, one might think that that’s all there is to know about someone. Well, look, don’t spend too much time trying to figure out what you are: top bottom, or versatile. What a bunch of bullshit. Neither your genes, god, nor Sony have gone ahead and pre-programmed your asshole.

Some people associate whether they are more submissive or more dominant in sex with being a top or bottom. A top is said to be more dominant – making things happen – a more controlling player in the relationship (or at least when having sex.) A bottom is said to be more passive, allowing things to happen to him. But….. there are plenty of dominant dudes who are totally dominant when having sex who like to get fucked . And most dudes are just “whatever is going on at the time” and aren’t thinking too much about who is in charge. The, um, bottom line is this: There is nothing pre-set deciding whether you are a top or a bottom. I kinda wish we could all just remove the terms from our vocabulary altogether. It shouldn’t be a question asked within the first 30 lines of a good InstantMessage with a new person. Be free to call yourself what you want and decide what your tastes and preferences are, but don’t fret about deciding what those are. Having it figured out does not make you a more complete person.