The big Brooklyn stories of 2016

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It’s fashionable to talk about 2016 as an absolute disaster of a year, but it wasn’t all doom and gloom in the Borough of Kings. Sure, beloved businesses closed, the L-pocalypse began, and the outcome of the presidential election wasn’t exactly what many Brooklynites would have preferred, but we also had lawn-mowing goats, nude Shakespeare, and happy endings to several pesky lawsuits. Here is our annual look back at the highs and lows of the past 12 months:

January

Our No. 2 story: Bushwick artist Lisa Levy sat naked on a toilet in front of an audience for 10 hours at Williamsburg’s Christopher Stout Gallery, as looky-loos took it in turns to sit on another can across from her and stare. The spectacle was supposed bring self-serious artsy types — including herself — down a peg.

A black and white issue: Local leaders voted to go ahead with a controversial plan to rezone Vinegar Hill’s PS 307 — which has long served kids at a neighboring public housing project — to include all youngsters living in Dumbo, one of the wealthiest neighborhoods in the city. The move was intended to ease overcrowding at the well-to-do PS 8 in Brooklyn Heights, but turned into a city-wide discussion about school desegregation as PS 307 parents feared an influx of white yuppies taking over their school, and the white yuppies griped that their kids could no longer attend the higher achieving PS 8.

L no:Someone leaked news that the Metropolitan Transit Authority is planning a years-long closure of the Hurricane Sandy-battered L-train tunnel to Manhattan — sparking six months of panic in Kings County’s northern nabes as residents, business owners, and real-estate agents clamored for information from the tight-lipped transit agency. The authority eventually announced that it will close the tube for 18 months starting in 2019, by which point all the hipsters say they’ll have moved to Crown Heights.

Sweet and sour: Artificial sweetener company Sweet’N Low left a bad taste in Brooklynites’ mouths when it announced the closure of its Fort Greene factory after 60 years — outsourcing its operations and leaving 320 long-serving local employees out of a job.

Hot scoop: Two long-awaited Fire Department reports revealed that Williamsburg’s CitiStorage warehouse facility burned down in 2015 after firefighters failed to extinguish burning embers from a smaller blaze there hours earlier. The reports — which the department refused to hand over for weeks before this paper got a hold of them — finally provided some answers for victims who lost their possessions in the pyre.

Choppers chopped: After years and years of complaints from Brooklyn Heights residents, the city announced a plan to halve the helicopter-tour traffic thundering in and out of the heliport across the river by 2017 — pre-empting the passage of a popular bill from Councilman Carlos Menchaca (D–Red Hook) that would have banned the eggbeaters altogether.

Justice?: Protestors and supporters faced off in the streets outside the Brooklyn Supreme Court after a judge spared former police officer Peter Liang from the slammer, despite a jury finding him guilty of shooting and killing unarmed Red Hook man Akai Gurley in 2014. The sentence, which came at the behest of District Attorney Ken Thompson, angered activists who said the justice system was once again putting police above the lives of black residents, but pleased members of local Asian communities, who argued the Chinese-American only fired his gun by accident and had been thrown under the bus because he is also a person of color.

May

Missin’ Miss Susie: Supercentenarian Susannah “Miss Susie” Mushatt Jones, the world’s oldest living person, passed away in East New York at the age of 116. Jones swore off alcohol, smoking, and makeup, but she indulged in bacon and grits every morning right up until the end. She ascribed her longevity to splitting with her underwhelming ex-husband and forgoing children.

New kids on the block:Prospect Park rented eight goats to rid the green space of weeds and poison ivy. The living lawn-mowers quickly became a popular tourist attraction, but had to bleat it back to their farm upstate at the end of summer.

Fighting dirty: Dishwashers from two Brooklyn restaurants faced off in an epic plate-cleaning duel at Greenpoint’s the Diamond bar. French restaurant Le Gamin cleaned up the competition, besting Williamsburg pizzeria Motorino across three rounds that included scrubbing brunch dishes, scraping off a crusty casserole dish, and polishing wine glasses.

F outta here: The Metropolitan Transportation Authority divided the borough when it announced plans to bring back the old F express service between Church Avenue and Jay Street — great news for Southern straphangers, who will shave seven minutes off their commutes, but a bummer for Brownstone Brooklynites, as service will be halved at six of their stops. Even pols got in on the feud, with Councilmen Brad Lander (D–Park Slope) fuming that the change will “screw” his constituents and Councilman David Greenfield (D–Borough Park) accusing him of being petty. “It’s not fair to say, ‘My constituents are in a wealthy, transit-rich area, but you poor schlubs who live in Southern Brooklyn shouldn’t get it,’” said Greenfield at a May 17 hearing.

Pier pressure: In a bizarre twist in the ongoing battle over housing in Brooklyn Bridge Park, state development honchos pulled their support for two new towers at Pier 6 — but Mayor DeBlasio just shrugged and announced he will build them anyway. Albany cited questionable donations the project’s developer made to Hizzoner, but also said it won’t stand in the city’s way. Activists are still trying to sue to stop the high rises.

June

We’re gonna need a bigger boat:Sharks are getting closer than ever to Brooklyn’s beaches, experts said after anglers plucked 17 of the beasts from the waters off Sheepshead Bay during a fishing tournament in June. A bumper crop of bunker fish churning along the coast was responsible for drawing the razor-toothed predators near our shores, naturalists say.

Un-American: The owner of a Gowanus studio where cable network FX films its sexy Soviet spy drama “The Americans” waged his own cold war on the city, after officials announced plans to seize and demolish the property as part of the federal Canal cleanup. Eastern Effects Studios honcho Scott Levy says he has sunk $5 million into building his studio and is only five years into a 20-year lease, and the move would kill his business faster than Kerri Russell’s character can assassinate a rival agent with her bare hands.

Finally: The owner of Park Slope old folks’ home Prospect Park Residence agreed to pay his elderly tenants $3.35 million to leave the pricey property, ending an ugly and high-profile two-year court battle between the two parties. The nonagenarians had been fighting eviction since landlord Haysha Deitsch abruptly gave them three months to scram in March 2014 so he could unload the tony building to an investment firm. He finally sold for $84 million in October.

July

‘Jaws’ chews his way back: Champion hot-dog-chomper Joey Chestnut gobbled his way to the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest title on July 4 — regaining the coveted Mustard Belt he lost to Matt “Megatoad” Stonie last year by wolfing down a world-record 70 wieners in 10 minutes. Women’s champ Miki Sudo downed 38-and-a-half dogs to retain her title for the third year in a row.

Spu-mourni Gardens: The co-owner of famed Gravesend pizzeria L&B Spumoni Gardens was shot dead in front of his Dyker Heights home on July 30. A hooded gunman pumped five rounds into 61-year-old Louis Barbati at the corner of 12th Avenue and 76th Street and then fled. Police later arrested 41-year-old Andres Fernandez for the crime, which they say was a botched robbery, although some speculate it may have been mob-related.

August

Ready for our close-up: The Brooklyn Paper’s Downtown office starred on an episode of television show “Last Week Tonight With John Oliver.” The hit Home Box Office show used our digs as a set for a spoof of the 2015 movie “Spotlight” starring Jason Sudeikis, Bobby Cannavale, and Rose Byrne — who were clearly thrilled to leave the humdrum world of Hollywood behind to experience the thrill of a community newspaper bullpen in person.

Citibike-lash: Bike-rental program Citi Bike rolled out new docks around Community Board 6, but many locals weren’t riding high — residents in both the ritzy streets of Park Slope and the Red Hook Houses complained that the bulky blue bikes usurped their parking spots. The panel called the cops at a September meeting after one irate Cobble Hill resident screamed into the faces of the board’s leadership.

Bloody J’Ouvert: Gunmen shot four people, killing two, and stabbed a man during the early-morning J’Ouvert parade that precedes the West Indian American Day Carnival — despite a heavy police presence that Mayor DeBlasio had promised would ensure this year’s event would be “safer than ever.” Many called for the city to cancel the long-running Caribbean carnival following the bloodshed, though no decisions have been announced yet.

Who you gonna call: Actor Bill Murray tended bar at his son Homer’s new Greenpoint restaurant — and served up a viral sensation when news of his booze-slinging antics made news across the globe.

Dead end: The six-year-long fight over the galaxy’s most controversial bike lane finally ended when the politically connected Park Slopers who had been suing to kill the pedaling path along Prospect Park West dropped their suit. The litigants’ ranks initially included former Transportation Commissioner and current wife to Sen. Chuck Schumer (D–Park Slope) Iris Weinshall, former Deputy Mayor Norman Steisel, and former Brooklyn College dean Louise Hainline, but several backed off — one died — as the case dragged on and the lane became a fixture of the neighborhood.

Pizza wars: Old-school Bay Ridgites were cheesed off over news that artisanal pizza mini-chain Artichoke Basille’s was cooking up a storefront on the corner of 91st Street and Fourth Avenue, chastising the cooks for trying to pass anything with vegetables off as a pie. “Vegetables should be nowhere near my pizza. If you’re going to do pizza, do pizza — get it dripping with cheese and sauce and grease,” said local Michael Marotto. “To me a real slice of pizza is plain or pepperoni — artichokes belong in salads, not pizza.”

Pun done: The city finally cracked down on the scourge of tourists securing so-called “love locks” and other pieces of junk to the Brooklyn Bridge, installing signs along the span saying “No locks, yes lox” — complete with images of a crossed-out latch and a smoked-salmon-stuffed bagel — that threaten a $100 fine. The pun-ny solution seems to have worked — a highly scientific study by this paper a month later found almost all the locks were gone and visitors were too scared to attach any new ones.

Pledge of a grievance: Local veterans turned their back on Councilman Brad Lander (D–Park Slope) during a Veterans Day ceremony at Carroll Park, because the lawmaker refused to stand for the Pledge of Allegiance during an earlier Council meeting — a move Lander insisted was to show solidarity with oppressed people and not a criticism of the armed services. Either way, he should have known better, war heroes said. “That’s a real slap in the face especially to us guys,” said Nick Assante, a Vietnam vet and Purple Heart recipient. “They want people like us to vote for people like him — he should respect people like us.”

Green for green: The city finally made good on a decade-old promise to finish Bushwick Inlet Park on the Williasmburg waterfront, agreeing to cut a $160-million check to buy the burnt-out CitiStorage warehouses at Kent Avenue and N. 11th Street — the final piece of land it needs to put in the park that officials pledged back when they rezoned the waterfront for luxury housing in 2005.

LICH talks flatline: The developers of the old Long Island Hospital in Cobble Hill officially pulled the plug on negotiations with local residents and pols to rezone the site for more housing in exchange for building a school and some below-market housing there. Instead, Fortis Property Group says it will just plow ahead with a plan to build high rises next to the neighborhood historic district, which is equally unpopular but doesn’t require city approval.

December

Closing the book: The owners of Cobble Hill institution BookCourt announced they were closing the Court Street shop after 35 years of slinging tomes. Like a well-written character, the store had taken on a life its own, and local lit-lovers really felt the loss, one said. “I think it’s a tremendous loss for the neighborhood … it’s like losing a good friend,” said George Washington Francis Gaw Jr.

Grim news: And if that demise wasn’t enough, Gowanus mecca-of-the-macabre the Morbid Anatomy Museum met its grisly end. The popular haunt for taxidermists, ghost-hunters, and all manner of thanatophiles succumbed to a terminal case of no-cash-itis not long after its founder launched a moribund crowd-funding operation to raise $75,000 and return the curio from the brink of death. Rest in peace.

Bigly deal: Donald Trump’s son-in-law and right-hand man Jared Kushner bought a city-block-sized vacant Dumbo lot for $345 million, adding to his already substantial portfolio of property in the nabe. Real estate tycoons have been salivating over the former Jehovah’s Witnesses parking lot for years, as it is one of the last remaining swathes of empty land in the pricey neighborhood — and it is zoned for residential development to boot.

Berning up: Sen. Bernie Sanders held a massive rally in Prospect Park during the April primary race.

Photo by Georgine Benvenuto

Low blow: Soon-to-be-former Sweet’N Low factory workers after learning they would lose their jobs this year.