Friday, November 9, 2012

Do you ever wish you had a time machine? No? Why not? Is it because you're afraid you might go back in time and unwittingly have sex with one of your ancestors? Eeew! Anyway, if time travel really exists then for all intents and purposes you've already gone back in time and unwittingly had sex with one of your ancestors, which means chances are you're your own great-great-great grandparent anyway, so you might as well just get over it and say "Yes."

Do you ever wish you had a time machine? Yes? Me too! Like, how awesome would that be? So where would you go? 25AD at 4:20PM to smoke pot with Jesus? The "Mein Kampf" book signing at the Munich Barnes & Noble in 1925 to kill Adolph Hitler? The first-ever Lynyrd Skynyrd concert to ironically request "Freebird" before they even wrote the song? Well, not me. No, I'd grab a Bianchi Pista, go back to 2007, and revel in the "halcyon salad" days of the fixie craze, as captured in this old video that was forwarded to me by a reader:

But wait! Cue hasty needle-lifting sound! You mean this video isn't five years old? You mean it came out yesterday? Well, apparently this is the case, and I'm tremendously disappointed. Sure, I'd expect this sort of thing from one of those entry-level theme cities like Portland or Austin, or maybe even from an intermediate-level city like San Francisco. But London? (At least I assume they're in London.) Come on! That's an alpha++ city! There's absolutely no good reason that people old enough to grow beards should still be riding around there looking like this and bragging about how their bikes don't have brakes, not in this day and age:

By the way, who's this guy?

There's no way he's friends with them. My best guess he's a Mormon missionary trying to insinuate himself into the shot.

Also, my "street cred" factor may be deeply in the red, but even I know that if you're going to be in a rap video about fixies you shouldn't pretend to fly:

My two year old does exactly that in his little kiddie seat. He should just let his arms hang down and gesticulate occasionally, like Harry Potter behind him is doing.

Or you could just give them money directly and ride around shirtless, whatever works for you. Or, you could buy the jersey, help the organizations, go back in time, have Hitler and Jesus autograph it, and then sell it on eBay for like $30 million and give that money to the organizations too. Then they could totally rebuild Red Hook with enough left over to buy everyone a Jacuzzi.

And now, I'm pleased to present you with a quiz. As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer. If you're right then HOLY CRAP!, and if your'e wrong then you'll see misplaced apostrophes as well as someone who drinks his own urine.

Thanks very much for reading, ride safe, and if you travel back in time it's probably best not to have sex with anybody.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

1) Which of the following is not among the eight "action points" as itemized in the "manifesto for credible cycling?"

2007? I thought fixie hipster culture peaked around 2004-2005 or so... I should know - I shaved off my beard and started buying less form fitting trousers around that time. still have my oversized messenger bag, but in 2005 I also sold my converted 70s univega to some schmuck for $$$$ and bought a more practical commuter bike.

Babble must be having a busy day (I almost accidentally typed "busty day." Man, that would have been a Freudian slip.). It's almost 9:30 BC time and she hasn't posted yet. At what point do we start to worry?

NYTimes' review of the new "Lincoln" movie made a passing reference to the 21st century beard farmers of Brooklyn. I just mention that because the Canadian overlords haven't shown up yet (distracted by LegMania?), so I have time to kill.

UK report on Bradley Wig's bike greets car accident says he suffered a head injury too (nothing serious though). So after getting head (dinged), I bet the first thing he said was "Bloody smart intercourse'ing vagina".

So Snobbie, would like me to wire all my money to you, or mail it in 50s and 20s? I've bought both of your books, but I could always by more copies unless you have another one coming out(?) Also, awaiting my orders from Commie Canuck.

Just before he got all weird with his "I'm-gonna-go-ride-a-Trail-A-Bike-with-no-helmet-to-buy-pemmican-and-maple-syrup-eh" thing, my dog asked what I thought would kill a job interview quicker: a gaudy neck tattoo and multiple facial piercings or an internet video proclaiming the joy of drinking one's urine.

I hope he's not getting another tattoo. He already drinks from the toilet.

Thank you for the reminder Snob, though it seems someone hit the delete button ages ago, and my mind is permanently empty.

pantpantpant

YES!! I do wish I had a time machine, and more than that I believe in the possibility of travelling faster than the speed of light, since we'll have to figure that one out before we can mess with time. Um, and fuck yeah! Who wouldn't want to spark a fatty and kick back with Jesus. Imagine the conversation. "So hey man, you said anyone can do the miracles you do... you know, all that healing stuff... what's the secret?"

pantpantpantpant

Oh bless you... I'm alright, thanks. No mishaps, unless you count staying up half the night trying to resolve some technical issues which may have been made slightly more complicated by the bottle and a half of wine I consumed.

Just waiting on one more thing before I can post...

Beautiful day!!! It's sunny and clear and I have the day off!! Where to ride where to ride...

I watched the FaBike video, drank the Kool Aid and was like, Sold! How much? Where can I get one? And then Fabby comes on and says some mush about "supporting" him. So has he made any bikes? I mean, can I just go buy one of his fucking bikes or do I have to be an "investor"?

If I had access to a time traveling machine, I would visit [url="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Johann_Georg_Elser"]Georg Elser[/URL] during one of his nightshifts in the Bürgerbräukeller (yeah, I got those Umlauts on my keybord ...) while he was hewing a hole in a column to make room for a bomb that was to explode on the evening of 8 November 1939 when Hitler was scheduled to give a speech there. This speech took place, but Hitler had to leave earlier than expected because there was fog at Munich Airport so he couldn't use the plane and had to take the train. So the deadly bomb exploded exactly 13 minutes too late ...

If I had/have a time machine, I'd go back past time; to the nothingness before the big bang, just to see what's up. And I'd mess with the elements, hydrogen and helium, just to see what would happen. I'd pee the primordial soup, basically.

If I had/have a time machine, I'd go back past time; to the nothingness before the big bang, just to see what's up. And I'd mess with the elements, hydrogen and helium, just to see what would happen. I'd pee in the primordial soup.

Hey snob, just read the enlightened cyclist. I am trying to apply the principles on my 20 mile commute into Boston ( in a car - bikes dont fare well on the pike). So I am still driving like a masshole but I am not angry in my heart while doing. So thanks for that. Now I just need suggestions on how to feel smug whilst driving a car.

"100% of the profits" -- why not "100% of the REVENUE"? Who says there's even going to be "profits"? Profits after all the marketing bills have been paid, after the advertising has been paid, after the brand managers have been paid, after the president of the company has been paid.

That thing is nothing but a company standing on the backs of suffering people to advertise their brand -- a couple of brands, actually; it's a collabo.

Oh honestly, Fnarf, there is always someone on the interwebs who will opine that something is completely wrong, offer some speculation to explain why he's obviously right, and suggest that if folks would just follow his advice, things would be so much better.

Don't be that guy.

There's nothing wrong with donating 100% of profits as opposed to 100% of revenue -- especially where the folks making the offer don't know if they will be filling 8 or 8,000 orders.

Just because something could be done differently, doesn't mean it isn't good.

And don't be pissed off.

Here's hoping that you'll snap out of it just like my dog after I read him Dooth's observation that the Corgi in the hypnotic video was on his way to get fixed.

"Oh honestly, Fnarf, there is always someone on the interwebs who will opine that something is completely wrong, offer some speculation to explain why he's obviously right, and suggest that if folks would just follow his advice, things would be so much better.

Don't be that guy."

I've always felt this would be a happier planet if I were Ruler of the World. Does that makes me "that guy...?"

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About Me

While I love cycling and embrace it in all its forms, I'm also extremely critical. So I present to you my venting for your amusement and betterment. No offense meant to the critiqued. Always keep riding!