Category: Personal Reflection

She is 57 years old and has been in technology for 40 years. She has two children who are almost adults and got divorced after being married to an alcoholic for 20 years. She says, “I buried myself for the last 10 years, barely thinking I might want a companion. I’ve been divorced for over 5 years now and I am not sure that I can make a good decision regarding a man. I have a lot of pain still.”

When I saw JoEllen on Google Hangouts for the first time I was blown away, she is beautiful! Before this I imagined her as old, dumpy and raggedy from her tone of voice and the way she talked about herself. You see, the biggest thing that hangs over JoEllen’s mind and drains her of her vitality is the GUILT over leaving her marriage. Actually, it’s a GUILT-ping pong battle in her head between staying too long and not having protecting her children better over leaving him behind and breaking the marriage. It has been 5 years and she still wonders if there was one more thing she could or should have done.

During our recent 1-on-1 coaching session, JoEllen was describing her marriage and it hit me like a Mac truck, she did not have a marriage. A marriage implies two people care for each other, doing their best to give into the relationship, to nurture, to love and to hold each other. What she had was a prison sentence and through a lot of tenacity, she escaped!

That distinction was fascinating to both her and I. She was unconsciously calling what she had “a marriage” instead of seeing it for what it was: a prison term. She was held captive, abused, and neglected for twenty years. Interesting how this change in perspective busted up the guilt and shame that she was carrying in her head. Her old reference to her “marriage” really confused her when looking forward to having a new relationship with a man. Who would want another marriage or relationship if that is what you end up with, an indefinite prison term?!

JoEllen’s latest homework in the Loving Your 3P’s VIP program is to create a vision board of the kind of man and quality of relationship she wants in her life. She recently said to me, “I remember being 12 years old, having all the posters of teenage idols on my wall, dreaming of my future when my mother made me take them all down saying, ‘Stop dreaming about such things’. Now you, Mai are making me put them back up!” All I can say back to JoEllen is, “Honey, I am helping you get on your way to HOT LOVE!”

JoEllen’s story is one of many of my client’s journeys toward cultivating hot love in their lives. HOT LOVE starts with reclaiming our beauty and vitality, letting go of our guilt and should of’s, and then redefining what kind of man and relationship they we want in their lives.

Do you know anyone who is confused about their relationship, thinking they have or had a marriage but really they don’t or didn’t? If so, send them to me! We are HOT LOVE bound in 2014. We will be doing everything it takes to make love HOT. Let me help them make some miracles in their life or help them overcome resistance to change and be well on their way to having the HOT LOVE that they secretly hunger for.

Holly smoke! I have been going through yet another reinventing process for the last 6 months. These processes happen about 5-10 times in a person’s life. This is my fourth one. Just because I have had some experience with this process previously does NOT mean that this time it is any easier. In fact, I do believe, the process actually gets harder and scarier each time. Because as we get older, we have more things to loose, a larger ego to manage. and more patterns to undo.

The reinventing process looked like this:
1. I was going a long on my path, grooving and doing my things. Then suddenly “WHAM!” I looked down and my path was gone. Nothing was exciting anymore. Everything that was working became really hard or dried up and went away. I got fired from projects out of the blue. One minute I had everything, the next I had nothing.
2. I panicked (of course)! I moaned, I groaned, I moped, I groped. Still nothing came. My life continued to unravel.
3. I continued to resist, I prayed, I sprayed (not in a good way). I hired myself a coach. Thank God. I stabilized. But I continued to resist. My Turned On factor was low.
4. I made bargains to God, to myself, to my coach, to my old employers. No one was buying my old story line, especially myself. I hated myself (why are you doing this to us? why now? again?) I hated my coach (not really. Thank God he was willing.)
5. Now What? I settled down. I started to listen. I couldn’t avoid the truths anymore. But what are the truths? and what are the cover-ups? How do I know? The more I listened, the more confused I got, the more pain I accumulated. I contracted, I hardened, I braced, I doubted, I frowned, I dragged…I thought of going to get a job! That thought almost killed me.
6. Finally to save myself, I went to yoga (regularly), I sat and meditated for days, I juiced, I cleansed, I prayed some more, I quantum lept, I channeled and talked to spirits, I reached out to friends, I collaborated on every crazy but FUN ideas that came to me. I begged for help my spirits and guides. I surrendered: What is my higher calling? Please tell me, I promise I will follow THIS TIME!
7. Slowly, step by step, piece by piece, the new puzzle came together. I came up with a new title that inspires me and reengages me. I have a new game plan, a bigger message. I even have a new logo and look. This could be exciting!!!!
I am not ready to reveal the whole grand plan yet. But one piece involves me learning to make people laugh on large corporate stage. That scares the S!@#%&T out of me! So I looked up the definition of comedy today.

“Stand-up comedy is a comedic art form. Usually, a comedian performs in front of a live audience, speaking directly to them. The performer is commonly known as a comic, stand-up comic, stand-up comedian or simply a stand-up.”

Essence of Golf "Golf is deceptively simple and endlessly complicated. It satisfies the soul and frustrates the intellect. It is at the same time rewarding and maddening--It is without a doubt the greatest game mankind has ever invented." --Arnold Palmer

I saw this in a golf pro shop over the week-end and had to blog about it. I think we can substitute the word “golf” with “life”, “relationship”, “being human”, and/or “leadership” and it would apply.

Essence of Leadership:

Leadership is deceptively simple and endlessly complicated. Leading people satisfies the soul and frustrates the intellect. It is at the same time rewarding and maddening. It is without a doubt the greatest game (or challenge, effort, attempt, desire, willingness…) wo/mankind has ever invented (or attempted).”

Just like golf, the road of leadership is filled with sand traps, water issues, and being lost in the trees looking for you ball. There are tons of moments of self-doubt, do-over (I play do-over, and I believe in leadership we get lots of chances to do-over too. If not we are expecting too much out of ourselves and others.), and miracle hole in one. But most of the time we find ourselves sub-par trying to get better one stroke (or one conversation) at a time.

I saw this post from Fred Wilson’s “A Gift for the AVC Community“. I think it deserves a much better name. So I am calling it “The Power of “More Than One.” As leaders, especially when relationships get crazy, we can forget this. But Fred is reminding us what we can do with the people resource that we have at hand. Want to make a difference, get a bunch of people together and you are half way there. Think that you should do it alone? You are in for a long lonely journey.

Thank you Fred for your brilliant words.

Alone, you can fight,
you can refuse, you can
take what revenge you can
but they roll over you.
But two people fighting
back to back can cut through
a mob, a snake-dancing file
can break a cordon, an army
can meet an army.
Two people can keep each other
sane, can give support, conviction,
love, massage, hope, sex.
Three people are a delegation,
a committee, a wedge. With four
you can play bridge and start
an organisation. With six
you can rent a whole house,
eat pie for dinner with no
seconds, and hold a fund raising party.
A dozen make a demonstration.
A hundred fill a hall.
A thousand have solidarity and your own newsletter;
ten thousand, power and your own paper;
a hundred thousand, your own media;
ten million, your own country.