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The random ramblings of a crazy girl. Fall down the rabbit hole with me.

Happy VD…(Valentine’s Day)

Something you might not know about Valentine’s Day is that the actual day stems from Ancient Rome as a pagan fertility festival. This entailed sacrificing animals and whipping women with animal skins until they bled to signify their fertility. (Courtesy of Cosmopolitan through Flipboard) Sexy and romantic stuff right there huh? But that is not a precursor to my summation of today.

I had a pretty low key day while doing some cleaning, a bit of exercise and some napping. I’d had a long night last night so it was warranted. But THE friend came over, which is a good thing considering I thought he’d cancel in hopes that I wouldn’t get the wrong idea but he didn’t.

Tonight was good, as I sit here with my coconut oil face mask on going through the events. He kept off his phone the entire time which I would have complimented him on but he’d beaten me to the punch. He brought dinner. We had a decently pleasant connection going on. We were very playful and there was a situation with a printer that made me think he was going to lose it or scream but he kept calm and asked for help (I think, in his way).

Being that I decompress here though I’ll tell you the one thing that I didn’t like. While I’ve always been aware of his “lack of strong feelings” towards me aside from friendship, I feel like he says or does these things intentionally that are for the purpose of proving that there’s no feelings there. I want to scream, “I get it! You’re not attracted to me.”

The other part that’s hard is that we are so very similar in so many ways. He has these reactions to things that are a lot like mine except I can see why he’s done or said something and react how I’d want someone to react but then also trying to react in such a way to make sure he knows that I know that there’s no future with us. It’s kind of an exhausting process sometimes. But, the reason it’s hard to be similar and have a lot of things in common is because that’s the type of shit you want in a relationship.

So, we have all the ingredients of a good relationship like common interests, an understanding of each others flaws, a few friends in common, a history, a desire to fix what’s wrong and to hopefully support each other in life’s common goals and even though we have our bad days, we acknowledge them, bounce back and I don’t think either of us are afraid to admit our mistakes or to apologize for making them AND trying to fix the mistakes. Yes, all the ingredients of a great relationship except without the sex or dating each other. I’ve said before that this is the universe’s cruel joke on me.

But with being said, I enjoy our time together. I wished I wasn’t the Sunday, Wednesday girl because yes, I have some idea that there’s a Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday girl as well and just maybe they get to see the fun parts of him more than I do. The fact of the matter is that I don’t care what he’s doing when we’re not together, as long as he’s not hurting himself in anyway by his behavior; however, it’s the idea that someone else gets to see a better side to him that I find myself being a bit jealous over. I don’t do jealous and I’d never admit that to anyone but you, on here.

At the end of the day though, I’ll take the Sundays and the Wednesdays because they work. I miss him sleeping over and am well aware that adults should probably not have sleepovers unless their friends are drunk but he provides a comfort that helps me sleep better. I’m happy to have not spent V-Day alone and I’m happy with our time together. I realize that most of the issues that came from tonight are mine and inside my head, not his. I also know that this friendship is teaching me how to be better in a relationship so maybe when “the one” comes along then I’ll be more than ready.

I also realize that his new state scared me for a while because I was afraid that he wouldn’t need me anymore. I’m also trying to not look at this relationship with an expiration date and to live in the moment more. I really do value more of him than he realizes and he does give me more than he thinks he has been able to give. It’s just in different forms. Some, he’ll probably never even know about.