Reviewing Random Films For Fun

March 12, 2015

Blonde Cobra #MovieReview

Film 141 in the “1001 Films to See Before You Die” challenge is 1963’s “Blonde Cobra”. This 33 minute short film is about Jack Smith wearing dresses and makeup, playing with dolls, and smoking marijuana. Marc Siegel in the book states that the 33 minute film is “generally considered to be one of the masterpieces of the New York underground film scene, and that it is a “fascinating audio-visual testament to the tragicomic performance of the inimitable Jack Smith”, who was a photographer and filmmaker and “queer muse” in New York avant-garde art in the 1960s and 1970s.” This film is a complete mess. I lasted about 12 minutes! Six of that was spent staring at a blank screen while someone make weird noises and talk about shoes and random white stains. Question for those who have smoked marijuana from someone who doesn’t smoke, do you hallucinate and randomly lick wooden sticks while trying to have sex with a Barbie doll? How the hell did this make the list? It got a 3.2 on IMDb!!!! I would rather have watched “The Room” or “Troll 2”! Hell, I would have watched “Plan 9 from Outer Space”! Do not watch this film unless you have lost the will to live. If you have seen this… I can’t even call it a film… abomination then let me know what you thought of it in the comments. Here is what I managed to say while watching 1963’s “Blonde Cobra”. By the way, this film has no poster so here’s how they showed the title in the film

Film – Blonde Cobra

Year – 1963

Director – Ken Jacobs

Written by – Ken Jacobs

Staring – Ken Jacobs, Jack Smith

IMDb Rating – 3.2/10

My Rating – FUCK THIS FILM

Length – 33 min

Genre – Short

We open with someone in a poncho eating an apple

That’s enough of that

Cut to two men staring into the camera

One man in a suit falls into a bathtub

Here’s a poor man’s version of Sherlock Holmes

Someone can’t spell film

Why is someone going on about shoes?

Just having a cup of tea and some chocolate

Why is Indian music playing?

Better practise my kissing skills in the mirror

This film is a complete mess

Is this guy doing his best impressions of Swedish Chef from The Muppets?

Now he’s singing opera

Excuse me while I finger some wood

Another blank screen

How the fuck did this film make the list

Is this guy now trying to make animal noises?

I’ve been staring at a blank screen for about three minutes

For anyone who reads this – YOU STARE AT A BLANK SCREEN FOR SIX MINUTES!!!!! SIX!!!!!