Into the Heart of One Great Brain

Questions, Make-Up Sex, Pops & Candy

The questions people ask especially when angry or lonely or hurt amaze me. I’ve been in a good bit of disagreements. Some are calm in nature – little judgement, acceptance given, actual listening occurs, the air is fair to middling with moderate cloud cover and, at the end, the disagreement is still a disagreement but there’s a respect for the path the other is travelling. Then, of course, the make-up sex, if married or “involved.” I’m an advocate of make-up sex. No other physical activity compares to make-up sex after a fight and more make-up sex the day after and the day after and the day after. And pop & candy always works – Diet Pepsi & Milky Way please and thank you at 3pm for oh – the next 3 days. Forgiveness takes practice and time after all.

Other disagreements though are simply emotional filled hurricanes. I’m not a fan of being a part of a hurricane. Sheets of harsh accusations & judgements pelting faces, loud shouts with gale force, the dramatic finale of slamming doors and ultimatums. Board up the windows, boys, this is bigger than Katrina! Good gosh. Make-up sex, like Federal Disaster Relief Funds, takes forever to arrive and bitterness inevitably invades the mud filled floors through broken windows. It’s a mess that involves arduous clean up.

During both of these arguments, the same questions have been asked of me since I was a child. My dad and others have prepped me well in the area of argument and discount – it’s best to be still. He would ask “Do you think you’re better than everyone else? What makes you think you’re so perfect? Do you really think you’re that holy, St. Cindy? Do you really think that because you think it’s right everyone else does?” These questions really aren’t questions. They are delivered with the authority of some false omnijudge. These are the questions to discount the other person, to give false power and control over the other person. The “Do you think” could easily be replaced with “Why are you doing…” These judging questions were then followed by the statements. “You’re not holier than thou. You’re no saint. You’re not that smart. You don’t know everything like you think you do. You’re just dumb and pretty much worthless.” Pure craziness. Like the residents of the Warsaw Ghetto during the Holocaust, off I would go at age 10 hiding my valuables in the walls behind a torn piece of wallpaper, swallowing my scant pennies and keeping my head low to avoid any added physical assault. I really learned not to talk and barely breathe.

Now after years of counseling & prayer, these questions phase me, but not in the way the person intends. I don’t feel discounted any longer. They actually prompt a question from me much larger than theirs – “Do you really know me?” Anyone who knows me will realize that when I say “I got nothing”, I really got nothing. I’m not all that. I’m pretty stinkin’ blunt, I’m pretty stinkin’ honest, I’m pretty stinkin’ cool, I’m pretty stinkin’ smart, I’m pretty stinkin’ grounded in a love and peace that allows me to know that I need to lean, that allows me to rest in the fact that I got nothing and feel safe, I’m pretty stinkin’ imperfect. So now, after the ghetto survival, I can answer these questions with a strong and sound “No.” No, I don’t think I’m better than anyone else. No, I don’t think I’m holier than thou or St. Cindy. No, I don’t think I’m perfect by any loose definition. I always shake my head when these questions are asked because in my head I’m asking “Do you really know me?”

Then in firm counseling application, I usually laugh and pray rather than bursting out angrily in defense; it’s best to stand still and know and own who I am at this moment. I am imperfect. I got nothing. And this, this crazy gale wind, is not going to hijack my joy. Compassion, compassion, compassion…if such strong judgements are pelting down on me because I disagree, what is going on inside that head right there right now? I’m not your mirror nor am I your door mat or pissing post. Now where’s that damn candlabra? Who’s getting naked first me or you? Which of us is going to the gas station on the pop & candy run? Both are in order.

The Big Idea

To be brave is to love someone unconditionally, without expecting anything in return. To just give. That takes courage, because we don't want to fall on our faces or leave ourselves open to hurt.
- Madonna

My Prayer…

Dear Lord grant me the grace of wonder. Surprise me, amaze me, awe me in every crevice of Your universe. Delight me to see how Your Christ plays in ten thousand places, lovely in limbs, and lovely in eyes not His, to the Father through the features of men's faces. Each day enrapture me with Your marvelous things without number. I do not ask to see the reason for it all; I ask only to share the wonder of it all.