No longer in the closet...

i used to be in full time christian ministry and completely in the closet. this blog is about my journey out of the closet into freedom and authenticity. living a free life of Love with Jesus at the helm. this blog was formerly known as "thoughts from a closeted gay christian in ministry" - you are welcome here.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

i realize its been a billion years since my last post and that's because i have literally had no time or energy to blog anything. and i don't have alot of time now... but for those of you (both of you) who might still ready this blog - i wanted to give you an update!

its all good now, my friends. God is good. things were terribly rough there for a while. my partner's mom reeked havoc on both of our lives. then her dad joined in. she was basically disowned. her mom single handedly brought down my entire career and ministry. and i can honestly say now in hindsight that it was the BEST thing that could've possibly happened.

her mom forced me to come out. and i needed that. i was too scared to come out on my own. i wasn't ready to give up my closet. it was safe. or so i thought. but i was suffering in that closet. i was living a lie. me and my partner were living a lie and our relationship was suffering. my relationship with God was suffering because of all the hiding and lying.

so thank you, mother-in-law. though you are a monster in law, i'm thankful you did what you did.

my partner and i have been in counseling since those days back in january of 2009. we go every other week just to process everything that happens on a day to day basis. not to get help with our relationship, per say, but to talk and process our individual lives and our issues with our families and such.

my advice to anyone who may be reading this: be honest. in God's timing, of course. but authenticity is the best. i do not regret anything that happened. i believe that the timing was perfect. God made such amazing things come out of such terrible things. the enemy's purpose was to destroy me and ruin me. but with Christ i have risen from the ashes.

i never knew i could feel joy again. i am open and honest with everyone around me. most everyone in both of our families know now - minus my grandparents. which i'm still trying to navigate those waters. i don't want to give them early heart failure.

i will possible go into more detail later, but suffice it to say, i am doing amazing. and it's taken alot to say that. i have nothing again my partner's mom. she continues to deal hatefully with us. she continues to leave destruction and poison in her wake. but now i'm no longer angry with her. no more bitterness. just sadness for her and pity. she is truly miserable and is trying to ruin me still, after everything she's already done. but i don't blame her. i am thankful for how God used her to bring me out of my closet of deception.

me and my partner are closer than ever. i have more joy than ever. i am closer to Christ than ever. and now - though my ministry looks MUCH different than it did prior to coming out - God is still opening beautiful doors for ministry. but now it is with churches who do not condemn me and tell me i'm going to hell.

though i still get nasty emails from people, mostly i am walking in love. i have an incredible support system. we attend the most amazing church in all the world! we have such amazing community and it is all about vulnerability and authenticity. God is good, my friends.

and my life verse continues to ring true:

for we know that in ALL things (even the shit) God works it ALL together for our good and His glory...

thank you Jesus for making beauty from ashes.

and thank you, dear reader, for keeping up with me and for encouraging me.

my name is lindsey, by the way. and i don't think i've ever told you that.

more honesty to come... i just have to be careful with my grandad not knowing yet. he's the only one... and he is quite the computer user!

more later my friends. pray for me. pray for me and my partner. pray that God would lead me and guide me into all truth. that He would use me in powerful ways to bring Love to this world. that people would see Jesus' love when they see me. that He would always keep me in His will.

Saturday, April 18, 2009

not sure if anyone still reads this blog or not, but alas, i decided to blog.

it's been months, but better late than never. the reason i haven't blogged in so long is because everything in my life has drastically changed since hope told her parents everything. her parents told people who told people.

i was outed on all fronts by one of hope's family members.

i lost my job and my reputation is headed out the window, in some circles.

the good news: i still have my faith. it is completely intact. actually it is stronger. i've never needed Jesus more than i do now in this period in my life. i have a newfound freedom of not having to hide anymore. though i'm still not ready to completely come out in every aspect of the word.

i won't be blogging much anymore. i will start my journey of trying to be an out gay christian who still has a heart for ministry. i'll just have to start applying to open and affirming churches. i know they're out there.

God is still on His throne. this didn't surprise Him. He is good. just as good as He was before things fell apart. in fact, He is already working good out of this situation. i have a new hope. a new passion. i want to be used by God to bring hope to gay christians just like me who think they can't be gay and also be a christian.

i am living proof that the two can co-exist. Jesus is drawing close to me than ever before. i have a peace underneath it all. it is truly well with my soul, i can honestly say that.

hope and i are doing well, staying strong depsite it all. therapy does wonders.

no one and nothing can take me away from where God wants to take me so He can use me for His glory.

thanks to all of you who pray for me and read this blog. i am doing ok. it's just a major time of transition right now. but i will get through it. and God will bring me out on the other side, ready to use me in a capacity that only He can imagine right now.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

So... hope finally came out to her parents. we thought it was going to be tough, but nothing could've prepared us for what happened.

the first night when she told her parents went extremely well. her parents were shocked, but had nothing but love and acceptance. They even invited me into the house and we even all had dinner together. They acted like no big deal...

By the next morning the shock was starting to wear off.

turns out that everything they did on sunday was out of shock. they were trying to do the right thing. but on monday and tuesday everything changed. hope's mom was livid. she called her yesterday and yelled at her for about an hour. crying, screaming. i heard everything and it was horrible. she said the meanest things. things she'll regret her whole life, but things she'll never be able to take back. things like: "all your life has been a lie. you're a fraud. everything i thought i knew has been wiped out. i no longer know my daughter. i love you but i DO NOT accept you. i love (insert my name here) but i DO NOT like even the thought of yall together. God created marriage between one man and one woman. this is horrible... " what's sad is that i know there are people out there who will read this post and agree with her mom. please don't email me or comment. i've had a hard enough week as it is.

on and on and on it went. i could go into further details like when she told hope that she shouldn't be a mother and then she used some sorry excuse about a kid who is acting up. turns out his mom is gay. so she doesn't think we should even think about children. she went off. and kept going. the words sunk deep and cut hope and i down to the core. she questioned everything. she completely devastated both of us. she cut her daughter to where it hurts most: being a mom and being with me. and being a liar. and she cut me to the core, as she invalidated my entire ministry and everything i've worked for. how i'm following God. it hurt like nothing has ever hurt before. she hates that we're lying. guess what? i hate it even more! i hate lying. i hate not being able to tell the world about who i really am. but i'm not doing it to deceive people. i wish she understood that.

i have no choice in the matter. if i told people the truth about me being gay, i would lose everything. i would lose my ministry. the ministry that i am confident God has called me to. the ministry i've worked so hard for. i would lose literally everything that God has called me to. i can't do that. nor do i feel comfortable doing that.

hope's mom compared our situation to that minister who was hiding the homosexual affair on his wife. ouch. that cut deep. that man was cheating on his wife! i am in a committed relationship with the woman i believe God created for me. how is that the same? i am so upset. so hurt. i know the lying killed hope's mom but seriously we dont have a choice. there is no way to let the cat out of the bag. it would destroy everything. i've been waiting on God's timing for when He wants me to come out to the world, especially the christian world. but they're not ready. i'm not ready. people in today's christian culture simply do not understand, because they're so convinced being gay is a sin. though they've never studied the topic in its entirety looking at all sides of the coin!

to our surprise, turns out hope's mom does think its a sin. keep in mind that she has NEVER studied the Bible. not once. so she's totally going on culture. we didn't expect this because her mom has always been so loving and accepting of everyone. but her true colors shined through. i'm pretty sure her mom hates my guts. which sucks because she used to love me like her own daughter. but now all she sees is a fraud. a sinner. an abomination.

she is more angry than i ever thought possible and she is completely shutting us out and shutting down. wants nothing to do with either of us. the good news is, she's going to see a therapist. maybe this is God using this situation to get her some healing and help.

heck! this is all so hard that i'm going back to counseling! me and hope both. so that we can find comfort in how hard this road is going to be.

we are crushed though. barely able to function. dont know what to do. yesterday we laid in bed for almost two hours just crying and greiving. the road we are on is an impossible one. i knew it would be hard, but i never imagined ANY of this. especially not from hope's parents who seemed to be so cool with everything the first night. so the prayer is that one day they will return to that. go through the necessary stages of grief and move on. even if it takes years. but the damage has been done. i will never forget the hateful things that were said about me, to hope and about both of us and mostly about my ministry. i just wish she would try and understand where we're coming from. how we don't have a choice in telling the christian world about our relationship. she can't see clearly now. who knows if she ever will.

i know grieving has stages, and anger being one of them. but wow, i never saw this coming.

devastation is the only word i can think of to describe what's going on. and its killing both of us. need prayer now more than ever. will keep you all posted. no pun intended.

so through all this, we are relying on what we do know, beyond a shadow of a doubt. somehow God is in control. He will work this together for our good and His glory. He loves us. and He has called me into ministry and thus will protect it (i hope)

Thursday, December 25, 2008

i can't believe its been over 3 months since my last post. i know only a handful of people read my blog anyway, but i'm still sorry to have taken such a long break. i have a million excuses, but the truth is, i haven't really known what to say.

until now.

its christmas night and i can't believe i'm on my computer blogging. that wasn't the original plan. in fact, i've been in bed for a solid hour. crying and stressing out. i'm not one to cry. nor am i one to stress. but tonight it all came pouring out.

you see, i've been spending alot of time with my parents over the holidays. just me and them. and i've been loving it. i've got the most amazingly close relationship with my dad. he's my hero. my best friend. well, he's everything to me, to be honest. we've had such an incredible time.

it's becoming more and more difficult to not fully be myself with them. they don't know i've embraced my identity as a gay female. they know i love Jesus. they know i love them. and heck, they even know i "struggle" with homosexual tendencies. but they have no idea that God has been rocking my world these past few years. they have no clue that i've embraced who i really am, and i'm living the true abundant life.

tonight my heart is heavy. i feel the weight of the world on my chest. i am crying hard. not just tears, but tears gushing filled with anxiety and stress and downright fear.

i am so scared. and i didn't want to write any of this out, because it almost makes it more real. and honestly, i stopped writing for a while because i was so sick of the people who kept emailing me and commenting, trying to persuade me that i'd been lied to and decieved. i know what i know. and i know what i know in my heart and deep within my spirit. so i guess these 3 months of silence have been good, but i can't hold it in any longer.

so please if you're reading this and you're thinking i'm crazy to think i can be gay and a Christian, i ask you from one Christian to another, please dont comment or email me. i'm going through a hard enough time as it is, trying to wrestle with when to tell my parents about who their daughter really is.

part of me wants to shut my computer down and tell them tonight. get it over with. why delay the inevitable? why drag on the fascade any more than i already have? why keep on lying to their faces? i can barely look my dad in the eye anymore. my best friend. i can barely look at him because i've never been dishonest with him before.

the other side of me wants to keep hidden. stay in hiding where the waters are "smooth" and where i dont rock the boat. but the boat will be rocked sooner or later. and the time is coming. i am so terrified. i'm full of fear.

the main two things i'm scared of:

1. angering my mom

2. disappointing my dad

mom will be totally pissed, no doubt. she'll react in complete and utter rage and anger. that's not the part i'm scared of. she can yell, she can argue and do anything. that really wont phase me. what's really going to kill me, and i mean in that deep place that few have access to, is when i see my dad's eyes. when i see his disappointment. when i see his fear. when i see his grief over the loss of his little girl's dream. how will i survive? will i be ok? he will always wonder how this is all going to work out.

i know eventually it will work out. being a Christian for 20 plus years has taught me a thing or two about the sovereignty of God. i know He'll work it all out, for my good and His glory. i know He'll work it out with my parents. i know He's preparing their hearts as i type this.

but i'm scared. i can't sleep. the anxiety is growing. the time is drawing near. the 22 page letter i've been working on for the past year is about ready to be released into the living room of my parents. they will be destroyed. and i do not exaggerate. they are the right of the right wing. they are more fundamental than the fundamentalists. they are conservative before conservative was cool for christians. thank God dad is the most loving and understanding man i've ever known. if it wasn't for him, i would have very little hope.

so what now? when? i keep pleading with God to show me. i keep begging for a miracle. but it's not going to be easy. and there's no right time. it's a lose/lose situation. either way, someone will be hurt. the boat will be more than rocked. and the once smooth waters will flood.

my hurricane is coming.

this has brought me so much closer to Jesus. my knees are soar. i haven't prayed this hard in a while. if only Jesus would write it in the clouds for me. i've begged for signs. and then i feel silly afterward. but i really do wish i knew the "when" of it all. thank God i know the "Who." where would i be without that?

so for those of you who are reading this (both of you :) i would appreciate any advice or encouraging words. my life is about to drastically change and i'm just flat out not ready. but i'll never be ready.

how is NOW not the right time? it's gotta be the right time to do the right thing? is dishonesty ever right? my eyes are blurring. tears tears and more tears. my heart is breaking because i know i'm going to severely break my parents hearts. and we've gotten so much closer lately, but for what? are they close to the real me?

i was stirring something today for the christmas meal, and i couldn't help but look at the 6 place settings at the dining room table. one for me, my parents, my sister and brother in law. and there's an open spot. for my Beloved, Hope. someday she will sit there. i am begging for a miracle. someday i'll get to be with my girl for the holidays. being away from her has been terribly difficult. impossible, really.

the God who lives inside me is in the business of splitting seas and saving lost souls. He can roll stones away and endure the cross. He can make nothing out of something and cause dead things to become alive. He cheated death and He gave me life. i know He can do this. i haven't the faintest clue how, but i know He can do this. so it all comes down to trust. once again.

Jesus, help me trust You. please. i am groveling and begging.

and then i feel you pick up my chin, gently. you want me to lay at your feet and simply be. help me to be loved.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

i always loved that song by ray boltz. and now... i love ray boltz even more.

he said, when coming out publicly recently, "This is what it really comes down to... If this is the way God made me, then this is the way I'm going to live. It's not like God made me this way and He'll send me to hell if I am who He created me to be... I really feel closer to God because I no longer hate myself."

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

i'm realizing that most people blog about really inspiring things. most people talk about more than their own lives. i love to read many people's blogs who talk about real life and real experiences. and i realized that i dont so much do that. i more talk about my personal journey. selfish? yes, kind of. but also, i've realized this is like my online journal of sorts.

so, i apologize to those of you who read this and get bored with my rantings about my experience learning to live as a gay christian in full time ministry. but to those of you who enjoy seeing God's hand in all this, thank you for reading! i enjoy keeping you in the loop. because this is quite a journey.

today i had coffee with a safe, low-risk amazing friend who i came out to about a month ago. but i've been wanting to tell her the whole story: my relationship with Hope. so today, yes at starbucks again, i told her all about Hope. it was amazing. she responded so well and was genuinely excited that i had found true love. she wanted to know all the details. and at the end even said: "omigosh, i feel like i need to get you a wedding present!" it was so beautiful. she was so supportive and definitely wants to come to our wedding ceremony, whenever we have one in the future.

gotta love starbucks. i can't seem to keep secrets there.

it was so refreshing to finally get to talk about Hope like i've always wanted to. i've wanted to shout it from a mountain how i'm in love with the most beautifully created woman in the entire world! i want to praise God outloud for His provision and His grace.

this road is hard, but i love that i know i'm not alone. God is there so close. closer than ever. and also, i've got about 9 people who now know about me and some of those people know about me and Hope. how freeing!

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About Me

i'm a normal gal who is deeply in love with her Jesus, so much so that i devoted 5 years of my life to full-time ministry as a worship leader. i have also fully embraced the fact that i am gay, though i've just recently come out of the closet. i never thought the two could co-exist (christianity and homosexuality), but God tenderly changed my mind. this blog will be the documentation of my thoughts as i struggle through life and ministry as a closeted gay christian in ministry no longer in the closet and no longer in vocational ministry. but now i'm in ministry of a totally new kind. loving people in a new way.
this blog was formerly titled "thoughts from a closet gay christian in ministry"