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…And Dream My Dreams of You

by Jay B.

Chapter 2

I was drifting quickly, and below me vast fields and forests
sunk into night and spun away. Higher I flew—and faster—wrapped in clouds
that glowed with moonlight, that caught on my body and trailed along behind me
like a cloak. And slowly these clouds resolved themselves into blankets, into
long silk trains that were studded with stars, and sometimes fields of snow
through which I ran, my feet barely touching the ground, and without sensing
the cold. Suddenly the snow and silk and clouds swirled and smoothed themselves
out into my bed. And Jake lay there, looking impossibly beautiful. We lay
against each other and he stroked my hair.

“I love you, Paul,” he whispered.
Over and over he said it as he sat up and leaned towards my lips with his. He
smiled.

The alarm rang and I realized it had happened again. There was about a second,
maybe two, when I was awake and it hadn’t occurred to me that Jake hated my
fucking guts and it was just another dream. Those couple of seconds, I
figured were going to be the high point of my day and they were already over. Plus
that dream was just plain weird.

Jake
kept his promise, at least. He didn’t tell anyone. The next day everything was
the same as always: no one acted differently and life went on as it always had,
at least until lunch. I always sat with Jake, but clearly that wasn’t going to
work anymore. Most of the guys at his table were more his friends anyway, so I
bought my lunch and then started looking around for somewhere else to sit. Our
school has four different lunch periods, and at this one I didn’t really see
anyone else I knew all that well, which was ok. I just wanted to be alone anyway.

I’d spent most of the weekend in my
room feeling like I needed some quiet time. “Moping,” was what my dad called it.
The worst part wasn’t that I still wanted Jake so badly—though that was bad
enough—but that I had invested so much in someone and been so wrong about
them. I think I secretly always believed that even if he found out, Jake would
be okay with it. I was actually pretty surprised at how he’d reacted. Now it
was like I hadn’t really known him all this time: he wasn’t the guy I’d trusted,
the guy who thought so much like me it was almost scary, the guy who was my
best friend, who’d gotten drunk with me for the first time, who I’d helped pass
math for the last three years. I had just been a pathetic, lovesick little
puppy all along, imagining something that—no matter how much I wanted it to
be true—just wasn’t there.

I spent most of the lunch
period by staring off into space rather than eating, when I heard a voice over
my shoulder.

“Hey,
Paul, why the hell are you over here?”It was Philip, one of the guys I usually sat with at lunch. He was
carrying his empty tray to the trash and looked genuinely surprised.

“Oh,
just needed to get some studying done.”

“Where
are your books? There’s nothing here but your lunch,” he stated simply. Philip
was one of Jake’s teammates on the football team, but kind of my friend too so
I figured I would have to tell him something.

“Look,
it’s just that uh...Jake and I are not really talking right now.”

“You
serious? Holy shit, I can’t believe it.” He sat down across from me. “Damn, the
end of the world’s coming. I mean with you guys it’s like you’re fucking boyfriends
or something,” he laughed.

He must have seen me wince. “I
didn’t mean it like that, Paul, sorry. I was just joking around. But it’s so
weird for you guys to be fighting.”

“Yeah,”
I admitted.

“Can
I ask why?”

“I
don’t want to talk about it. Just…just don’t worry about it.”

“You
know you guys should just apologize or whatever and quit this. You’ve been
friends forever.”

I didn’t want to discuss it with
anyone, but I figured there wasn’t much point in pretending things would be OK
either.

“Honestly, dude, I don’t think that’s gonna happen,” I said.

“Jesus,
what’d he do this time?” Philip said to himself. I must have looked surprised.

“Aww,
I know it was him,” he laughed. “You’re usually a pretty nice guy. Jake’s the
one who’s always being an ass. Don’t worry; I’ll talk some sense into him. He
always comes around.”

It took me less than a second to
realize that that was a very bad idea. Maybe Jake hadn’t said anything about me
so far, but if Philip started pushing him...who knew what he’d tell him?

“Look, Philip, I appreciate this
and all, but I want you to leave it alone, OK?”

“But…”

“Damn
it, Phil! I said not to!” I began, before getting got control of myself. Okay,
maybe that was a little huge.

“Please, just don’t try to help,
all right?” I asked as calmly as I could.

“OK,
OK,” he said, holding up his hands. “But if you two just throw away your
friendship like this, I think that’s pretty stupid. I mean, what could you
possibly be this mad about?”

I
didn’t say anything.

“Oh
yeah,” Phil continued, “I forgot, it’s top secret. Damn, you two need to get
over yourselves and fucking apologize.”

“Yeah, well we’ll see. Maybe Jake
will…” God, I was so pathetic! Get over him.
He’s gone! The little voice in my
head practically yelled. And it was right.

“No. You know what? Never mind, fuck
it. Fuck him,” I said.

I don’t know what I expected from
Philip. Surprise maybe? But instead he just looked at me with a glance that was
coolly appraising. Not hostile, exactly…

“Whatever, man,” Philip said
thoughtfully, then smiled, shrugged his shoulders and left.

If
it was hard getting Philip and all the other people that noticed that something
was up with me and Jake that day to get off my back, it was really going to be
a problem with my mom. I had been worrying about it all day, in fact.

“You
going over to Jake’s to study tonight?” she asked when I got home.

“Um,
no. I’ll be here.”

“Oh,
so Jake’s going to come over?”

“No,
he’s busy tonight, I think.” She laughed and I felt defensive all of a sudden.

“What’s
so funny?” I asked.

“Oh,
nothing. I knew it had to happen sometime.”

“What?”

“That
you guys would fight. You’ve been moping around the house since Friday.”

“Yeah,
well, we’ve argued before, mom.”

“Uh-huh,
and within an hour either you or Jake comes slinking back, tail between your
legs, to apologize. Usually Jake.”

“What
do you mean usually Jake?’” I asked.

“Paul,
you know and I know what a hard-headed person you are. Most of the time, it’s
Jake that ends up saying he’s sorry, regardless of who’s at fault.”

“No
way!”

“Yes,
way,” she laughed. “Beside you and your Dad, the person I know best is him.
He’s practically family.” She reached over to stroke my hair. “I admit, Jake’s
always been a bit…volatile…but he always cools down and comes to his senses
quickly, too. You, kiddo, are the one that always has to hold the grudge.” I
was kind of surprised that she was saying all this to me. I mean it true, but
still…

“If
you guys are this mad at each other, I’m guessing this must be about a girl. Am
I right?” she asked.

“Something
like that, I guess,” I mumbled.

She smiled, but I felt sick inside
for having to lie. “I know you kids and your raging hormones and all; but Paul,
Jake’s the best friend you’ve ever had. It almost scares me how close you guys
are sometimes.” She looked away and I could have sworn she was embarrassed.

“Mom,
what if I told you…”

“Told
me what?” she asked quickly.

“Nothing,
forget about it.”

Her eyes narrowed.

“What
if I… what If I said I don’t think Jake’s going to be coming over any more?
Ever.” I asked.

She looked very serious all of a sudden. “What would I say?”
she asked.

“Yeah,
if I told you that?”

She thought for a moment. “I would
say that’s a real shame. I would say that you two really ought to work it out
because if you don’t then I will be really disappointed in you both.”

“What
if I told you there was no ‘working it out?’”

“Then
I would say that you’re not trying hard enough.” She patted me on the back. I
nodded and smiled and I knew she wouldn’t understand anyway.

Life went on, with or without Jake.
I went to school, did my homework, acted normal with my friends, and tried not
to think about how dead I felt inside. Jake must have tried to stay away from
me as much as I tried to ignore him: I saw no more than a glance of him till
Wednesday. I was trying to get one of the vending machines to take my dollar
when he came around the corner. He was talking to Philip, and they were
laughing about something. He looked so happy I figured he’d probably already
gotten over me—hell, like there was anything to get over—and I hoped to God
he wouldn’t see me. But he did see me, and the smile went right off his face when
he did. It wasn’t until then that I noticed he really looked like shit, like he
hadn’t slept all week. I felt a guilty little stab of pleasure: at least I hurt
him too, even if it wasn’t much compared to what he’d done to me. He stared at
me for a moment like he was going to speak to me; I even opened my mouth to
tell him—I don’t know what—something, anything. The he brushed past me
without a word, the bastard.

“Hey Paul, how’s it going?” Philip
asked. He’d seen everything but he hadn’t followed Jake’s example.

“Uh, hey Philip. Stuff’s fine I
guess.”

“Cool, I’m all stoked for your
party. Alan told me his older brother was going to get a keg and everything.”

“You’re still coming?” I asked.
“Well,
I am still your friend.”

“Yeah, of course. I just thought that
since…”

“Hey you told me to stay out of it,
Jake told me to stay out of it…that’s what I’m doing. But I’m still invited,
right?”

“Of course, I mean it’s not really
even my party. Alan will take any excuse he can get to throw a kegger. Hell, I
think main reason he was worrying when he found out…when he found out about
Jake…was ‘cause he thought I was gonna cancel or something.”

“Look, Paul, I know you told me to
stay out and I promise this is the last time I’ll bring it up. I just thought
you ought to know about Jake…he’s really torn up about this. I don’t know what
the hell happened—and I’m not asking, so don’t get mad, OK?—but the kid is
all messed up.” For a moment, my heart was in my throat and a hundred stupid
hopes came into my head.

“Why should the both of you be so
miserable?” Phil went on. “No one can figure out why the hell the two guys who
everyone knows are like brothers and so incredibly tight suddenly start acting
like they hate each other’s guts.”

As quickly as I’d felt hope,
rationality came back. I wasn’t going to let myself be a lovesick little homo
anymore. “Hey Phil, I’ll try to say this as nice as I can: It’s done, Jake and
me are no longer friends. I don’t want to talk about it and the sooner I get
over him…not ‘get over him,’ I mean, you know like, just not worry about him
anymore…the happier I’ll be. If people keep bringing it up, how’s that going to
happen?”

He laughed. “Jesus, you and him—the drama—it’s
like you’re boyfriends.”

“Hey, take that back!”

“Whoa, dude, chill out. I’m not
saying you two are a couple of gays,” he said and then added, mischievously,
“and even if you were, I wouldn’t care. I’m just sorry to see you both so
miserable.”

“I’m not gay, Jake’s not gay.
Just…just drop it, man,” I insisted.

Philip was watching me like I was some puzzle again.

“Look, sorry dude. I…I gotta go.
I’ll talk to you later,” I said. For a horrifying moment as I hurried away, I
thought he had guessed my secret. But maybe it was more a premonition for that
evening.

That afternoon my mom asked me about
Jake again, but I insisted I didn’t want to talk about it and she finally gave
up. Later that evening I heard mom
and dad talking in my dad’s study. Oh shit, here it comes I thought and went up to my room to await the
inevitable. About fifteen minutes later there was a knock on my door. It was
Dad.

He
came in and looked at me for a while. I watched attentively but kept quiet.
Then he went over to my dresser and started messing with my stuff. This was a
new approach.

“Can
I, uh, help you?” I asked. He shook his head and put down a soccer trophy he’d
picked up.

“Nah, just looking’ around.” He
went over and started examining the books and CDs on my shelf.

“If you’re looking for drugs, the
meth lab is in my closet and I hid the crack pipe and the bong in my sock
drawer.”

“I’ll keep that in mind,” he
laughed.

“Mom gave up and sent you, huh?” I
said. “She thought we should have a man-to-man talk?”

“No, your mother didn’t send me
anywhere. You listen to this much?” he asked, holding up a CD. Arcade Fire: Funeral.
One of my favorites.

“Yeah, I guess so.”

“You like it?”

“Yeah. It’s all right,” I said.

Dad had a patient, indirect way of
discussing things. I usually like that about him but it was unnerving just now.
“Look, mom’s just jumping overboard about this. It’s no big deal.”

“Jake got you this for your
birthday two years ago, right?” he asked.

I didn’t answer. He opened the CD
and read, nonchalantly, what was written on the liner notes in black marker: To
Paul. Best friends forever. Jake.

“Me too, son.” He nodded and put
the CD on the shelf but made no move to leave.

“Look dad, I get the message. Jake
and me are just being stupid, getting angry at each over nothing, over some
girl. We should get over it and become friends again. Is that what Mom told
you, that this was over some girl?”

“She mentioned it as a possibility,
yes.”

“Well, it’s not, OK?”

“I know it isn’t,” he said and looked at me
with a sudden seriousness on his face.

I sighed.”What I’m saying is, I appreciate what you’re trying to do,
but just don’t, OK? You think I like Jake hating me? I don’t, Dad, but
this…this…situation is not going to be
fixed by some ‘good parenting’ on your or mom’s part. It’s just fucked up
beyond repair, and I don’t think you would understand, so please let it go.”

He didn't say anything. Just watched me.

I sighed. “I wish it were as simple
as us fighting over some girl, because that’s something that only an idiot
would stay mad about. But this has nothing to do with love, OK?”

Dad pulled my
desk chair over next to where I sat on the bed and sat down on it. He looked
out the window for a while, but he wasn’t really looking at what was outside
it, I think. It was like he was making his mind up about something. He looked
at me, through me almost, and I felt I
couldn’t meet his eyes.

“About
the first part, yes, I believe you. The second part is a lie,” he said simply.

“W-what do you mean?”

“The girl, yes, I know it has
nothing to do with a girl. But it has everything to do with love.”

“Dad just…just shut up. You don’t
know what you’re talking about. Just go.” I got up, but he put his hand on my
shoulder. God. Was I really this transparent?

“I’m not going to do what Jake did,
Paul,” was all he said.

“What? What do you mean? Let me
go…”

“I mean that first of all, I’m not
a kid. I’ve been around and I know the world is a lot bigger and more
complicated than high school, thank God. And I also know that I’m not your
friend, or not just your friend. I’m your father and I love you
unconditionally.”

“Dad, please stop this. It’s dumb.”

“Whatever you tell me…and I mean
that, Paul, whatever you tell me will
not make me hate you, it will not make you love you the slightest bit less and
it will not make you any less in my eyes than what I already know you are: a
fine, strong, intelligent young man.”

He took his hand off my shoulder and stood up in front of me. It was
funny because I almost glanced up expecting to see his face above me when he
stood, before I realized that I was about the same height as him now and had
been for the last year or so. His face was strangely blurred, and he smiled at
me. I grabbed him tight as I could.

“I love you Dad, and I’m sorry,” I
whispered. He laughed.

“Don’t you be the sorry one. You
have nothing to be sorry about.” He patted me on the back and drew back, his
arms still on my shoulders. “You aren’t the only one who's been afraid. I
guess…I guess I’ve known for a while now. But I’ve had to come to terms with
it, and I’ve been so busy worrying about other things, I haven’t been there for
the one who really needed me.”

I nodded. We were both silent for a
time.

“I’m…uh, I’m gay, dad.” I said,
finally. He nodded.

“I’m gay,” I repeated.

“I know,” he said. “And you know
what?”

“What?”

“That’s OK. And don’t let anyone,
Paul, anyone ever tell you it’s not OK,
or make you feel like less of a person.” I knew who he was talking about and
Dad must have seen what I was thinking.

“What did he say, when he found
out?” he asked.

“That he couldn’t believe I was a
liar and a fag. That he didn’t want to speak to me again.”

He nodded. “That it?”

“Yeah.”

“You…well, did you have feelings
for him?” he asked.

“Yeah,” I nodded. “God, yes. He
found that out too. He saw something I’d written, something he was never
supposed to see. I wouldn’t have told him.”

“And you really care about him
don’t you?”

“I loved him, Dad. I still do.
That’s why this sucks so fucking bad.” Hell, here the kid was still, all over
my room. His jacket was hanging in my closet, his bathing suit was in my top
drawer from the last time we’d swum in the backyard pool, a picture of us on a
camping trip from last year sat in a frame on the bookshelf next to it. The
football lying next to my bed was his and four years of his birthday presents
were scattered all over my room. Hell, even the dime bag of weed drying out in
my desk drawer was actually his.

“I don’t understand how he could do
it,” I said. “I thought we would always be friends, at least. I don’t see how I
could have misjudged him so badly.”

My dad sighed. “I’m surprised too,
Paul. This just isn’t like him and I hope he’ll come around. There might be
more at work here then you think.”

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“I don’t know. Jake’s hotheaded,
but he’s also a lot of good things too. Lord knows he’s been a good influence
on you.”

“On me?”

“You know how shy you were. You mom
and me were worried about you when we moved here, but that kid got under your
shell through sheer persistence, when we couldn’t. And I think he’s helped you
leave that shell behind. He helped you in a lot of ways…”

Dad shook his head. “But I’m angry
at him too. What he did was cruel, and what he said was untrue. Even if he has
been a good friend, if that’s the way he feels, then you need to let it go; you
need to let him go. Your own self-worth
is more important.”

“Yeah, I know,” I said.

We sat next to each other on the
bed for a while, neither one saying a word. I felt stupid the when I thought so,
but it was kind of nice.