Disclaimer and actual opinion:I thought the movie was brilliant, which means it was extremely difficult to parody, as it was already 1) good and 2) intentionally funny, so don't expect great things from this one. I’m going to warn you up front: despite—or maybe because of—being a parody of a children’s movie, this contains strong language and adult humor. Many thanks, once again, to the Movie Spoiler for invaluable help in keeping the plot straight.

DRUNK LUPIN [leaping up]: I am no drunk! I am your pitifully mysterious new professor who takes his sweet-ass time coming to the aid of his new students! BACK, YOU DEVIL!

DEMENTOR: *flees*

LUPIN: Here, eat this chocolate.

Great Hall, Hogwarts

GROOVY NEW DUMBLEDORE: Many thanks to the Richard Harris Memorial Toad Choir for that lovely performance. Greetings, salutations, and what up: I will be your new Dumbledore this year, which I’m sure will be fabulous despite the presence of a few hundred undernourished ringwraiths on the premises. Hagrid will be taking over the Care of Magical Creatures class despite having no teaching credentials whatsoever, and also, we have a new teacher, Professor Lupin, to fill our cursed Defense of the Dark Arts spot. Good luck making it through the year alive, Remus!

TRELAWNEY: Ooooooh! Aaaaaaah! There is totally a big scary black dog following you!

HARRY: You get paid for this?

RON: Hermione! When’d you get here?

HERMIONE: Pshhhh, I was here the whole time. Also, this class sucks. Which I know, because I was here the whole time. My Ancient Runes class is a lot better.

RON: Wait a minute… aren’t Runes and Divination at the same time?

HERMIONE: …Yes.

RON: So how are you taking two classes at once?

HERMIONE: I’m not, stupid.

RON: Except… for the part… where you totally are…?

HERMIONE: …

Care of Magical Creatures Class

RON: Wow, Hagrid’s hut is in a totally different location than it used to be.

HERMIONE: Seriously, what up with that?

RON: AHHHH! YOU! WHERE DID YOU COME FROM?

HAGRID: Since Harry has the most experience dealing with weird shit, he can go first. Bow to the nice horsybird, Harry.

BUCKBEAK: *snuffle squawk gnash snort RAAAA!*

HERMIONE: *grabs Ron’s hand*

RON/HERMIONE SHIPPERS: YAY!

RON AND HERMIONE: COOTIES! AHHHHH!

After flirting with feathery death for a few minutes, Harry wins the hippogriff’s respect and gets an impromptu flight around Hogwarts.

HARRY: WOOOOOOOOO!!!!

HALF THE AUDIENCE: He’s KING OF THE WOOOORLD!

CLEO: *eye roll*

HALF THE AUDIENCE: Okay, you think of a better joke.

CLEO: …

DRACO: OUTTA MY WAY, PLEBE, IT’S MY TURN ON THE HORSYBIRD!

BUCKBEAK: *administers a two-hoof beatdown*

DRACO: *cries for Daddy*

HAGRID: Lord. Tell Madam Pomfrey to pull out the smelling salts, I gotta bear Miss Malfoy here off to the fainting couch.

DRACO: Faster, plebe! I do believe I have the vapors!

Defense of the Dark Arts Class

LUPIN: All right, dementors suck, and I still can’t figure out why they’re picking on teenage kids who don’t look anything like Crazy Gary Oldman, so we’re going to learn about boggarts and how to laugh at them. Line up!

MUSIC: *is madcap*

LUPIN: So, Neville, what are you afraid of?

NEVILLE: Everything?

LUPIN: Besides that?

NEVILLE: Professor Snape.

LUPIN: Snape it is then! Make your fears funny and therefore harmless!

LUPIN: Here, eat this chocolate. You know, you look a lot like your father. Except that you have J.K. Rowling’s eyes.

HARRY: Awww, thanks.

The Portrait Gallery

THE FAT LADY: OMG MY PORTRAIT HAS BEEN SLASHED! DEFILED! THE SHAME!

MCGONAGALL: Sirius Black was trying to get to Harry Potter and kill him!

SCABBERS THE RAT: *looks away, whistling*

DUMBLEDORE: All right, everyone in the Great Hall for a sleepover!

FILCH: I think I saw a porno like this once.

Defense Against the Dark Arts Class

SNAPE: EVERYONE SIT DOWN AND SHUT THE GODDAMN HELL UP.

CLEO: Dude, this is so totally how I would teach a class.

HARRY: Where’s Professor Lupin?

SNAPE: MOONING AROUND somewhere, I’m sure. In other news, today’s lesson is on WEREWOLVES. Can anyone enlighten the audience on the difference between a WEREWOLF and an animagus?

HERMIONE: Yes! A werewolf can’t help changing into an animal and doesn’t remember who he is, while an animagus chooses to change and can control himself.

SNAPE: Correct. FIVE THOUSAND POINTS FROM GRYFFINDOR!

HERMIONE: I—but the—adda—wibba—

SNAPE: I want two rolls of parchment on WEREWOLVES by tomorrow, including what WEREWOLVES look like, how to detect WEREWOLVES in the faculty of a British boarding school for wizards, and the definition of the Latin word “lupus.” CLASS DISMISSED!

Harry ends up chasing the Snitch up into the stratosphere, where the Dementors show up, start dementing, and sucking Harry’s face until he falls off his broom and plummets to earth in front of several hundred shrieking spectators.

DUMBLEDORE: THIS IS NOT GROOVY AT ALL!

The Infirmary

HARRY: What happened?

RON: You fell a hundred feet and nearly died but Dumbledore, like, caught you with his mind or something.

MCGONAGALL: Well, you’ll never believe it, but Sirius Black is actually Harry’s godfather because he was the Potters’ best friend but he totally sold them out to You-Know-Who and now he wants to kill Harry.

MADAME ROSMERTA: It couldn’t possibly have anything to do with the mysterious nine-fingered death of Peter Pettigrew, could it?

MCGONAGALL: Shpfff, of course not.

Snowy Glade of Teenage Weeping, Hogsmeade

NO-LONGER-INVISIBLE HARRY: OMG HE WAS THEIR FRIEND! I KILL YOU DEAD, SIRIUS BLACK!

HERMIONE: I would give you a comforting hug, but… y’know, the cooties.

HARRY: S’aright. I have to practice my teenage rage for the next two movies anyway.

Lupin Teaches Harry Extremely Advanced Magic He Couldn’t Possibly Learn at This Age

LUPIN: So. The better the memory, the better the Patronus. Go!

DEMENTOR-IN-A-BOX: RAAAAAA!!

HARRY: *falls over*

LUPIN: No dice, Frodo. Think of something better.

HARRY: Well… I have this memory… actually it wasn’t a very happy memory, and really it wasn’t even a memory, it was just something I saw in a magic mirror, but…

LUPIN: Go!

HARRY: *produces a giant shield of light*

LUPIN: Wow! You held off a fake Dementor with a fake memory! Let's just assume that'll work with a real one!

Somewhere on the School Grounds

RON: YOUR CAT ATE MY RAT AND I HATE YOU!

HERMIONE: MY CAT DID NOT EAT YOUR RAT AND I HATE YOU!

HARRY: Y’all, get a room or something. Hagrid! What’s wrong?

HAGRID (sniffling): Buckbeak was SET UP and Draco is a LIAR and his father is a BAD BAD MAN and now Buckbeak is going to DIE!

THE KIDS: Oh no!

HP FANS: WAHHHHH!

HARRY: Dude, nothing’s even happened to Buckbeak yet—what’s wrong with you guys?

HP FANS: You keep talking about Luscious Lucius Malfoy and then we don’t even get to see him!

SIRIUS: No, no! Harry’s father and Remus and Peter and I were all best friends, except that Peter was kind of a wuss and so he went over to Voldemort and I had told Peter where the Potters were hiding because I must have gone stupid all of a sudden, and I found out Peter had gone bad and he cut off his finger to make it look like I blew him up and then he blew everyone else up and left me to take the rap after Voldemort killed the Potters and he’s been living as the Weasley family rat ever since! See, it all makes sense!

THE KIDS: …

SIRIUS: Gimme your rat!

RON: No!

SIRIUS: Gimme your rat!

RON: No!

SIRIUS: Gimme your rat!

RON: No!

SIRIUS AND LUPIN: *turn Scabbers back into Peter Pettigrew*

RON: Oh. My. GOD.

PETTIGREW: Ron! Help me! I was a good rat, wasn’t I? Remember all the good times we had?

HARRY: Let’s give him to the Dementors and let them suck his soul out through his nose.

SIRIUS: That’s my boy!

Outside the Whomping Willow

SIRIUS: I know I’m kinda scruffy and scary and all but, you know, I am your godfather and if you ever wanted to come live with me instead of your asshole relatives…

HARRY: Come. And live. With you?

SIRIUS: I know, I know… forget I said anything.

HARRY: The word I am trying to think of here is OH GOD YES PLEASE NOW.

A FULL MOON: *rises*

HERMIONE: Oh, shit.

SIRIUS: Remus! This is not you! This is not your heart! I’LL MAKE OUT WITH YOU IF I HAVE TO!

LUPIN: *turns into Lupinwolf*

SIRIUS: Awwww, shit, Remus… *turns into Siriusdog*

PETTIGREW: *turns back into Scabbers and scampers for the hills*

SNAPE: *emerges to protect the kids, conveniently without ever having seen Pettigrew*

LUPINWOLF: I KEEL YOU, SIRIUSDOG!

SIRIUSDOG: *whimpers*

LUPINWOLF: I KEEL YOU TOO, HARRY POTTER!

HARRY: AHHHH!

FEMALE WEREWOLF: AROOOOOOOO!

EVERYBODY: WTF?

HARRY: *runs after wounded Siriusdog into the woods*

Somewhere in the Hogwarts Woods

Harry must conjure a Patronus before the Dementors suck off Siriusdog’s face.

HARRY: EXPECTO PATRONUM!

PATRONUS: …

HARRY: EXPECTO PATRONUM!

PATRONUS: …

HARRY: EXPECTO PATRONUM!

PATRONUS: …

HARRY: *cries*

DEMENTORS: *dement*

PATRONUS: *finally gets off his ass and prances stagfully*

HARRY: Dad!

THE AUDIENCE: What? Where?

DEMENTORS: Run away! We are powerless against Bambi’s dad!

HARRY: *falls over*

The Infirmary

HARRY: You can’t let them take Sirius back to have his face sucked off! He didn’t kill my parents, Peter Pettigrew did!

DUMBLEDORE: …

HARRY: And then he turned into a rat and lived with Ron’s family for twelve years and turned back into Peter and then turned back into a rat and conveniently ran away so that no one can prove or disprove our story!

DUMBLEDORE: …

HERMIONE: You’ve got to believe us!

DUMBLEDORE [leaving]: Three turns, Miss Granger.

HARRY: Eh?

HERMIONE: He means the Time-Turner I’ve been wearing all year to turn back time and take extra classes.

RON [from hospital bed]: I KNEW IT!

HERMIONE: *pulls out a tiny hourglass on a five-foot chain conveniently long enough to go around two people*

Harry zooms off on his new broom with the movie ending on a close-up of his artfully blurred face, perhaps to suggest in the language of cinematic metaphor that this time he is rendered blurry with happiness.

You may repost brief excerpts with author credit and a link back to this entry or the community as a whole. Please DO NOT repost this parody 1) without my name or a link back; 2) with any changes to the wording or language*; or 3) in its entirety on your journal, on your website, on a message board, on fanfiction.net, or on ANY OTHER PAGE ON THE INTERNET without my written permission. Icons are always welcome, so have fun.

The Nemo quote is Dory mumbling in her sleep, "The sea monkeys have my money." I was thinking of the centaurs in Chamber of Secrets (isn't that the movie they were in?) and had a feeling no one was going to get it, but just wanted to use it anyway.