Lie To Get What You Want

On this particular night, Michael ordered the soup. “Is it vegetable stock or chicken stock?” he asked the waitress. “Vegetable,” she replied. “Are you sure,” Michael continued, “I can’t have it if it’s chicken based.” “It’s vegetable,” replied the waitress again confidently.

My friend Michael is a strict vegetarian. He loves going out for dinner with his friends and never complains. He can always find something to eat, he says. When we went out for dinner recently, I witnessed a little trick he uses to ensure he stays a vegetarian when he’s not doing the cooking himself.

The soup arrived. It looked good and smelled even better. Again Michael asked the waitress, “you’re sure this is vegetable stock, right? Because I’m really allergic to chicken and if there’s any chicken in it I will have a seizure.” And with that the waitress’s eyes got a little bigger. “Lemme just check,” she said as she went off to ask someone else. Within less than a minute, she walked back and took the bowl of soup away from Michael. “It’s chicken stock,” she said.

Until the waitress was accountable for Michael’s health, she didn’t seem too interested in ensuring that her answer was indeed right. The time it took her to find out was seconds. Giving Michael what he preferred didn’t seem to motivate her until she thought she may be responsible for anything more than disappointing a customer.

But this is not a story of how we sometimes have to lie to get someone to care about us. It’s actually something more positive. As soon as Michael shifted the accountability to the waitress, she was much more willing to invest more time and attention to Michael’s needs. In other words, when we make others accountable for what could be even negative results, people rise to the occasion.

We could all do a bit better at giving others accountability for things at work. If we give someone responsibility but then double check their work a hundred times before sending it to the client, then they are no longer accountable…we are. If we demand that someone ask us permission before doing anything, then we are the ones giving permission as opposed to assigning responsibility.

People are funny animals. When given serious responsibility, we tend to take it seriously and almost always rise to the challenge. The best organizations know this well. They don’t assign tasks to their people, they assign responsibility. And with shared responsibility, people tend to seek help from each other more often, increasing the quality of teamwork. The reason is simple, when we work together, we’re more likely to succeed than if we work alone.

It’s the most poetic of paradoxes. The more individual accountability we give to someone, the more they are willing to accept the help of others to ensure everything goes right. Even the waitress knew that.

Comments

Servers answering questions on assumptions is a personal pet peeve of mine and I know a lot of people resort to an "allergy claim" to get an accurate answer.

Michael got the outcome he was looking for - verified information about the base of the soup - but he had to use some dishonesty and fear to prompt the waitress to act. She was afraid of being responsible for hurting his health. Wide eyes, prompt response etc... A success indeed but I think we can do better.

What if we were really upfront with a server and said, "Hey, I imagine you have pretty good knowledge of the ingredients in most of the dishes... but this is something that is actually really important to me. Would you mind checking with a chef for me, so I could feel safer about what I'm eating?" This outcome allows for a potential connection of an authentic need with an authentic solution. I'd prefer it but who knows if it'd be just as successful!

Thanks for this example, Simon. The tagline is, however, not simply about responsibility. The waitress acted out of fear. She wouldn't care about her customer, neither before nor after your friend's little lie. Her motivation wasn't anything like "hey, I can help this guy and that feels great". It was much more something like "OMG there's trouble coming up, how can I possibly avoid that?" She didn't even mind losing her face by admitting her carelessness. She simply is the wrong person in the wrong place, she needs training rather than lies. Ekke (http://b2b-brand.me/who-we-are)

Absolutely! When someone is given a responsibility, there is trust that has been given to them, they feel they have a value to contribute to that responsibility.

From my experience, I found that it was also very important to set realistic expectations in the responsibilities we give to others...In other words, know exactly where they are at..if they need to acquire skills to deliver, give them a support or teach them.

I have seen many "managers" sit in a meeting, discuss a particular individual's performance, "...I am so disappointed in John, I gave him a great opportunity, showed him I trusted him with (responsibility), he did not follow through...."

If you give me an opportunity to travel the world and tell me you have arranged a plane for me, all I have to do is fly around the world, I will NOT be able to take that opportunity....I DO NOT know how to fly a plane!!!

Yes, I can learn, however, it should be part of my responsibility and not just the traveling part. I will be overwhelmed and won't know where to start!

Great point.
Here's an example from running a nuclear submarine.
When things get complex and tricky, one of our favorite responses is to add a layer of supervision. For example, when navigating in congested or shallow water we add a "navigation supervisor" (NavSupe)between the quartermaster and the officer of the deck. His job is to supervise the quartermaster who keeps up with the ship's position and anticipates forward movement.

The problem is that this frequently doesn't make the ship safer. The quartermaster is now removed from the OOD so they don't talk directly to each other like they normally do and the NavSupe doesn't bother himself with the details of the plotting. So the guy with the most intimate knowledge of what's going on (the quartermaster) is pushed a step away from the guy giving orders about where the ship is going (OOD) and replaced by a manager.

Great piece, as always. As a keen proponent of storytelling, I really like the way you trawl your personal experiences to make a point about workplace relationshps. So many people I talk to about using stories claim nothing interesting ever happens to them. But I guess it depends if you've got your eyes and ears open! BTW, I used to be a veggie and had that same conversation about the soup many times - if only I'd used the "will-cause-a-seizure" line!

Indeed, accountability is also a great tool for fooling *oneself* into accomplishing goals or maintaining habits. Aside from altering my environment, finding ways to hold myself accountable works wonders for self-motivation.

Interesting story and a great point. Some people can't "self-motivate" themselves to do the right thing, and to perform to the best of their abilities, just because it is the right thing to do, and because we ought to push ourselves to do our best at whatever profession we choose.