Are you retarded? Quit looking down here

07/31/2014

WASHINGTON (WNB) - Michelle Obama on Wednesday confided that her blood has become chemically altered.

Although descended from generations of Americans, the First Lady told a group of young Africans "the blood of Africa runs through my veins."

A noted Baylor University toxicologist said it is possible for certain diets to alter blood composition. "A high fat diet of things like cheeseburgers, chili cheese fries, and malts can give someone third world or 'African'-type blood. A characteristic of this condition is an otherwise slender person having an enormous ass."

The immigrants, mostly Hondurans fleeing their own violence-torn country, had just been relocated to Chicago by the government. "That place ten times worse than home," said one sobbing 10-year-old girl who had been beaten and robbed of her sneakers when she got off the bus in the Windy City.

Illinois authorities report that out of the 1000 illegals dropped off in Chicago this week, 6 are dead, 124 injured, 13 missing, and the remainder making their way to Indiana on foot.

The culture of death was given a win on Tuesday when a three-judge panel of the 5th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals ruled against the 2012 Mississippi law that requires abortion “doctors” to have admitting privileges at local hospitals. Therefore, Mississippi’s last remaining abortion mill in Jackson can continue to practice its baby killing.

The Jackson Women's Health Organization was unable to obtain the privileges and challenged the constitutionality of the law in court and succeeded in obtaining an injunction against the law in federal court.

The court only found the law unconstitutional as it was applied in Mississippi to the last abortion clinic, since it would have made abortion inaccessible in the entire state.

07/30/2014

This last month has been a time of fasting, reflection, spiritual renewal, and service to the less fortunate. While Eid marks the completion of Ramadan, it also celebrates the common values that unite us in our humanity.

In the United States, Eid also reminds us of the many achievements and contributions of Muslim Americans to building the very fabric of our nation and strengthening the core of our democracy.

Translated for accuracy:

For Muslims this last month has been a time of wife beating, carpet kissing, and of course, sodomizing nephews. While Eid marks the completion of Ramadamadingdong, it also celebrates values that separate them from civilized humanity - beheading infidels, Killing Jews, beating and mutilating women, and obviously, blowing themselves up.

In the United States, Eid also reminds us of the single achievement Muslim Americans have contributed to our nation - piloting taxicabs smelling like ass.

07/28/2014

PYONGYANG, DPRK (WNB) - A top-ranking North Korean military official on Sunday threatened a nuclear strike on the White House after accusing Washington of raising military tensions on the Korean peninsula.

Mi Whang So-Itahbidi, director of the military's General Political Bureau, made the threat during a speech to an audience of tiny senior citizens dressed in brown uniforms and giant hats, on the anniversary of the armistice that ended the 1950-53 Korean War.

07/25/2014

I'm glad to report Mistee has rejoined me as my editorial assistant. I guess when her new Muslim girlfriend discovered she's half Jewish, there was an ugly incident involving a rusty paring knife and Mistee's neck. I made Mistee wear a Arab hijab so I don't have to look at her disgusting wound on our last day of reporting.

9:30 a.m. - I've arranged for us to be embedded with an Israeli Defense Force (IDF) tactical unit searching for Hamas tunnels today. We meet up with the four-member team in front of our hotel.

9:38 a.m. - Team leader Sgt. Toviyyah expresses reservations concerning Mistee's choice of clothing. She tells him about her neck situation and despite his obvious concerns, we move out.

10:07 a.m. - We make our way through a Palestinian neighborhood and into a dark warehouse suspected of possibly concealing a tunnel and munitions. Mistee and I are briefly separated from the squad as we stop to take some photos. It is very dark. Very hot. Very scary.

10:16 a.m. - Rounding a corner, suddenly all hell breaks loose as a dark figure comes flying out of the shadows and viciously drop-kicks Mistee, sending her reeling into a stack of pallets! My fear quickly turns to relief as I discover it's just one of the IDF guys who mistakenly identified Mistee as an enemy combatant. Outside of her neck wound bleeding again, she's thankfully unhurt, but when she regains consciousness she's clearly irritated. With no apology whatsoever, the Sergeant orders Mistee to "quit crying and stay close." Maybe the French are right about these guys.

12:24 p.m. - After unsuccessfully searching for tunnels, we take a break for lunch. The IDF guys are eating rations in an alley while Mistee and I go around the corner to a small store to find something to eat and maybe a postcard. We purchase some tasty lamb skewers and Mistee buys a large fanny-pack she's been wanting.

12:39 p.m. - For no apparent reason, Mistee is violently kung-fued by two of the IDF guys when she enters the ally ahead of me. The only thing that stops the other guys from shooting her is my piercing, high-pitched screams. Realizing it's us, the soldiers go back to eating while I pulled Mistee out of the garbage dumpster. One of the Jews makes a disparaging remark about her fanny pack and I resist the urge to ask who the hell made him the fashion police? No wonder the Arabs want to blow these guys up - they're dicks. I notice Mistee is missing a boob, which may be related to the lamb skewer protruding from that general area, but luckily outside of the possible implant issue and a little unresolved anger, she's fine. I can't wait to get away from these guys and get back to the hotel.

4:58 p.m. - The kikes finally found a tunnel to blow up, but not before accidently assaulting Mistee twice more in dark buildings, and even once in broad daylight when she attempted to slug one with the fanny pack. The IDF guys abandoned us eight blocks from our hotel, but thankfully some locals helped us get back safely, although Mistee was sexually assaulted when she inadvertently flashed an ankle.

5:46 p.m. - I'm packing for our early morning flight back to the States while Mistee receives medical attention at a nearby hospital. It's good to be away from her, as all she did today was complain. I make a mental note to replace her as soon as possible.

This was a dangerous, hard story to cover, but I'm proud we were able to bring the gritty reality of this conflict to our American readers.

In her Wednesday column, “Eyes on the Prize,” Ann Coulter again weighs in on the Republican primary run-off here in Mississippi, and again, her assertions about Chris McDaniel and his supporters are wrong. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised at what she says. After all, she has been a big supporter of Mitt Romney, Chris Christie and Mitch McConnell, none of whom would easily be mistaken for a “conservative.” It seems all that matters to Ann Coulter is that an “R,” not a “D,” is the winner, no matter how liberal the “R” is. Never mind that since Barack Obama (or whatever his name is) has been in office, the “Republicans” have mostly behaved like scared, little women who dare not speak above a whisper against the lawless tyrant snake who inhabits the White House.

07/24/2014

This morning I hired the hotel desk clerk's sister, Fariha Lamya-Ghadir, (English translation: "Happy Brown-Lipped Horse Pond"), as my editorial assistant to replace Mistee. A big plus is Fariha has news experience and speaks fairly good English. On the minus side, she has more facial hair than me and smells like a diseased yak.

10:13 a.m. - After instructing Fariha on the job fundamentals - phone etiquette, laying out my clothes, basic cocktail mixology, no using my bathroom, no direct eye contact, etc. We moved to our balcony vantage point in order to report on the Israeli offensive.

10:57 a.m. - The Gaza neighborhood below is a surreal landscape of burning cars, darting combatants, and scattered explosions. If I were closer I would see the stern determination mixed with fear etched on the young faces of the Hamas fighters as they indiscriminately fire their tommy guns from behind piles of smoldering rubble. IDF soldiers in the next block are almost certainly grimacing in the heat, smoke, and noise as they crouch behind an tank-like vehicle with a cannon on top. One boy-faced soldier is probably yelling for more ammo and bombs, as another maybe curses the enemy while laying down a deadly hail of hot lead from his powerful army rifle. The sultry morning air is heavy with the acrid smell of gun powder, bomb smoke, and desperation, I would imagine.

11:34 p.m. - Reporting on the carnage unfolding 11 stories below and four blocks away is mentally and physically exhausting, especially without binoculars. Fariha and I go downstairs for a delicious lunch of lamb skewers and Mai Tais.

1:12 p.m. - I'm not sure what's worse, watching people being torn apart by shrapnel in a spray of blood and tissue, or watching Fariha eat lamb skewers - it was like a National Geographic special on the feeding habits of hyenas, only more violent. Judging by the fact our waiter did not duck under a table as I did, one can only assume blasting a loud, greasy fart after the last bite of a meal is considered normal in this culture. For a second Fariha looked like a large, black puffer fish as the canvas bag she was wearing (hijab? burqa?) briefly inflated. A small lizard on the floor went into what appeared to be some kind of seizure before going tits up under her chair. Lamb grease glistened on Fariha's lips like Vaseline.

1:31 p.m. - The stress of war has obviously compromised my immune system so I've decided to take the rest of the day off. I gave Fariha my crappiest camera and sent her on a photographic assignment to get some pics of the nearby Israeli check point, then called the IDF tip line to report a suspected suicide bomber covered in lamb grease in the area.

07/23/2014

Reporting live from a war zone is dangerous work, something my editorial assistant Mistee and I found out over the weekend when an arranged tour of a Hamas smuggling tunnel led to us being locked in our hotel's basement supply closet to the point of near death.

Paying my Palestinian contact $5000 for the trip was almost as humiliating as the four days Mistee and I spent drinking our own urine, eating crickets and part of a mop, and watching each other poop at close range. I'm pretty sure the latter turned Mistee into a lesbian, as she left me and has apparently moved in with the cleaning woman who rescued us.

One thing is for certain, I will never stay at the Grand Palace Hotel again, especially since they saw fit to add the three nights in the supply closet to my room bill, and the crickets and mop to my restaurant tab. Excuse my rant, but where do they get off charging nine dollars a cricket? I've had better ones in Detroit for half that price. I packed my bags and checked out.

When I got to my new hotel the first thing I did was place a call to the Israeli Defense Force tip line to report Hamas was transporting rockets with the Grand Palace Hotel manager's new Mercedes. Two hours later you can still see the smoke :)

07/22/2014

WASHINGTON (WNB) - House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (RTRD-CA) is demanding that illegal immigrant children flooding into the country be treated the same as the refugee baby Jesus.

The noted Biblical scholar and abortion advocate told an interviewer on MSNBC's Morning Joe Tuesday, "As I visited these dear children I was moved by the fact many of them looked so much like the little baby Jesus - at least the boys and not a few of the girls. I want to make sure they are treated no differently than the refugee baby Jesus was."

Surprising, many conservatives were quick to agree with Pelosi. House Majority Leader John Boehner called a press conferance Tuesday morning to announce his support for her demands, saying he was drafting emergency legislation requiring all young illegal immigrants to be immediately sent to Egypt.

The chaplain of one of our local TEA Party groups shared with us a column he stumbled on, which was written just before the 2008 national election that saw a real-life Manchurian Candidate installed in our presidency. The column, by former White House staff economist and budget analyst Jim Simpson, was published September 28th 2008 at American Thinker, and is titled, “Barack Obama and the Strategy of Manufactured Crisis.” It’s a lengthy essay that connects the dots of radical leftist—or Marxist, if you will—influence on Barack Obama (or whatever his name is). The piece demonstrates that Obama is well-versed in the evil Cloward-Piven strategy of orchestrated crisis, overwhelming the system, whatever system, with demands, for the purpose of destroying it.

07/21/2014

LOS ANGELES (WNB) - More than 200 people marched through the Crenshaw District Saturday to commemorate the one year anniversary of the verdict acquitting George Zimmerman of murdering Trayvon Martin.

In memory of the fallen youth, the marchers videoed themselves bragging about crimes "gangsta style" while sipping Trayvon's favorite, "Purple Drank," before chasing down and beating Caucasian and Asian individuals unfortunate enough to be in the area.

Luckily for the marchers, none of the victims were carrying a firearm.

NOT MIAMI, Florida (WNB) - This weekend marked the one year anniversary of the verdict acquitting George Zimmerman of the murder of Trayvon Martin. A purported photo (below) taken Saturday appears to indicate it was just another day for the former neighborhood watch captain.

My editorial assistant Mistee and myself have established a base of operations in Gaza at the Grand Palace Hotel. Our vantage point gives us a good view of Hamas strongholds and suspected tunnel locations.

We arrived late Thursday evening as Israeli forces (IDF) bombarded Hamaspositions nearby. The electricity was out and I managed to get a substantial discount on the room, as well as complimentary terry robes and slippers for both of us.

Friday 7/18/14

9:30 a.m. Woke up and called room service for some coffee and cheese blintzes, then called the front desk to register a complaint about our lack of sleep due to all the noise outside and smokey smell. The hotel is obviously poorly insulated.

9:58 a.m. We ate breakfast on the balcony so we could observe IDF movements in the surrounding neighborhoods. We saw several IDF armored vehicles down the street and explosions in the area. Mistee noticed two men leave the hotel below that appeared to be Hamas combatants - I managed to hit one with an ashtray, even from the seventh floor.

11:52 a.m. Went to lunch. Mistee had a tuna salad sandwich and I had a bowl of chicken noodle soup and a grilled cheese sandwich. Everything was good. Our waiter said the IDF killed the hotel assistant manager with an ashtray this morning. I suspect Hamas did it to try to make the Israelis look bad, as that's something they've been known to do.

1:00 p.m. We went to the pool to catch some rays and watch the sky for possible Israeli paratroopers or drones. Our cocktail waitress said IDF troops were outside looking for tunnels.

3:06 p.m.Got back to our room. The stress of combat is clearly taking its toll on both of us. I ordered some chicken fingers and a pitcher of margaritas from room service.

3:35 p.m.The chicken fingers arrived and they were excellent. We heard an explosion.

5:03 p.m. We see smoke coming from a few blocks away. Mistee thinks it's a barbecue grill, but I don't think so because the smoke is too heavy. Also, it smells like rubber. We decide to take a nap.

8:08 p.m. It's been a long day and Mistee is hungry. We're going to catch a meal at the fantastic restaurant downstairs after having a few cocktails in the lobby bar. One last glance out the window confirms something's still going on outside.

07/17/2014

WASHINGTON (WNB) - President Obama on Thursday reacted with a combination of sadness and relief to news that a Malaysian Airlines passenger plane was shot down, killing 298 people.

Obama told reporters, "It's with a heavy heart that I've learned of the passenger jet apparently downed by a missle over Ukraine. While this is no doubt a tragedy, we were relieved to hear that no Mexican or Central American immigrants heading to the United States were onboard."

On MSNBC Jackson Lee recently said, "I strenuously do not agree that the border is not under control. The fact of the matter is, it is under tremendous control, by whomever is not as important as the fact that it is - and it is.

07/15/2014

<p>SHEPHERDSTOWN, West Virginia (WNB) - Sen. Elizabeth Warren showed why many liberal analysts are referring to her as the new "rock star" of the Democratic Party, as she campaigned in&nbsp;West Virginia for Democratic Senate hopeful Natalie Tennant Monday.</p><p>The diminutive Warren whipped the audience into a frenzy with a combination of&nbsp;Native American phrases and hand gestures, coupled with old fashioned class warfare Wall Street bashing.</p><p>"UGH. HOW! The way I see this, Citibank, Goldman Sachs, all those other palefaces on Wall Street are making heap big wampum for the fat cats," she said, doing the "tomahawk" in the air to make her points. "We need a squaw like Natalie in the U.S. Senate willing to scalp some profits for the average American family. UGH."</p><p>&nbsp;</p><p style="text-align: center;"><a class="asset-img-link" onclick="window.open( this.href, '_blank', 'width=640,height=480,scrollbars=no,resizable=no,toolbar=no,directories=no,location=no,menubar=no,status=no,left=0,top=0' ); return false" href="http://peacemoonbeam.typepad.com/.a/6a00d83451af9f69e201a511e24fbd970c-popup"><img class="asset asset-image at-xid-6a00d83451af9f69e201a511e24fbd970c img-responsive" style="display: block; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" title="Liawatha 2" src="https://peacemoonbeam.typepad.com/.a/6a00d83451af9f69e201a511e24fbd970c-500wi" alt="Liawatha 2" /></a></p><p style="text-align: center;">&nbsp;</p>

JERUSALEM (WNB) - Israel’s military downed a Hamas drone sent from Gaza on Monday. The unpiloted aircraft flew from the port city of Ashdod, about 14 miles north of the Palestinian enclave. It was the first drone known to have been sent into Israel from Gaza, adding a chilling new element to the week-old conflict.

The military air wing of Hamas claimed responsibility for sending the drone, describing the event on its website as one of the "surprises" it had promised over the last week.

An Israeli military spokesman downplayed the threat, saying the aircraft (below) consisted of a "crappy RC plane carrying a bag of dog sh*t."