This is my mind,my tomb,my heaven,my hell. This is my mind.

November 30, 2012

The sky will be full of beauty while on the ground quite the opposite.

Deeper and and deeper I fall into this dullness. Days are hard to understand and I can honestly say I have lost my way. What is going on!? I search for such answer. I have come across these problems and every time I have conquered I have over come. I have won my battles but now oh now is the greatest fight. One that I will never forget. It’s funny how the mind wors and its even funnier how your mind works. You see I have ways of dealing with these mental problems I have calculation and understanding how and why but now, I can’t even scratch the serfece of my mind. I can’t understand what is going on anymore. I’m finding it so hard to grip onto reality and I cling to anything else that will offer me out of my torment like a child to his or hers mother. It’s deverstating. The worst part is this total lack of emotion. I feel nothing I feel so carefree to the point it makes me sick. I can’t even feel my own girlfriend’s love. I know it’s there I have just seemed to missplaced it. I’m starting to have brief head pains from just thinking to much. I miss caring about someone so much that it matters more to you then anything. Though I am so tormented that I can’t even lift a finger to do anything about it. Yeah I could lie I am capable of faking it but that is not what you do to someone you love or is it? I doubt I could even shed a tear if we departed from eacother. I know thats aweful to say but my mind is so twisted right now it will allow that. All I can say is sorry. The more I try and understand and change this darkness the more I start to believe I can’t. If I keep this up I will lose her but not only that. I;m afraid its lonleness forever for me. Though I can’t be selfish. She deserves a person who will love her. Me, I deserve nothing. I have let this happened it twas by my doing. I’m not strong enough to over come this i am not worthy of love. well thats my crazy man rant today.