My Life To-Do List

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Wow, I'm a worst-boss magnet. There was the one who fired me when I called to say I was going to be out for my grandmother's funeral by telling me to look for a new job when I got back. Then there was the one who gave me increasingly short PIPs after eleven years of near-flawless service for making mistakes while I was finalizing a divorce, in a sling from a domestic dispute, and having biopsies and a lumpectomy. Let's not forget the one who had me working 20 hours a day prepping a huge presentation and called to let me go an hour before the presentation, saying, "another project manager will take it from here." (The entire company was let go two weeks later and folded.) My favorite has to be the one who offered me a huge salary, tons of options, benefits to beat the band, and promises to set the world on fire now that they had the perfect person after a year of searching -- only to let me go five days later, refusing to give me a reason. I think the founders were playing "mine is bigger and look how I can undermine you."

Does a baby poop in the bath tub?
Of course I've struggled, with four pregnancies and three kids. Unfortunately, it no longer feels like a struggle in the temporary sense; it feels like who I am now. After spending a dozen years on top of my field while supporting the family (and a stay-at-home-dad for four years, just before the divorce), I was suddenly separated from my job/second family, and have not found satisfying work in 2.5 years since. First dream job ended after nine months when the company collapsed, the second one when the startup decided it was too soon to have employees after all, and the third after a five-day standoff between the founders: one wanted the position filled and the other didn't. After all that time, to be offered close to $100K, with benefits and stock options up the wazoo, and to have all that hope at last... and then to be let go on the fifth day just shattered me. I'm totally dependent on my meds, and am looking into having them adjusted again to combat anxiety, lack of concentration, and just not being good company in general. I desperately need a partner to help raise my family and run the household because I can't do it by myself anymore, but they unfortunately aren't listed in the Pottery Barn catalog. I'm trying to do things that take me out of the house, but mostly I want to stay in bed until the day is over or until it's time to pick up my kids and I can be sparkly again. My one consolation is that they tell me all day, every day, how much they love me and that they "could never have a better mom." I'm incredibly blessed, but I can't get my cortisol levels down or my brain to recognize the good stuff...