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Monday, January 16, 2012

the rule of threes

It's been a bit of a hiatus, one not deliberately planned--certainly if I had planned it I would have left a less humiliating entry at the top of the page--but after a period of time the interntia became sticky, and for that prolonged silence, I apologize. Obviously plenty has happened in these past few months (see: the entire holiday season Halloween through New Year's--HAPPY EVERYTHING TO EVERYONE), but as for the highlights, allow me to present them in triptych.

THREE

Mack turned three about a week ago, and although I could go into the same hackneyed parental lament about how it seems like he was just born yesterday, how I remember when he was just a wee infant and look at him now--in other, more concrete ways, it is utterly plausible that three years has gone by. I got pregnant with Mack at the end of my residency, and he was born about five months after we moved to Atlanta. Three years ago? Seems about right.

But don't let me hog all the commentary, marvel yourself at how three years can somehow transform this:

...into something as adorably wacky as this (and please excuse the background shambles that is our home office, a.k.a. the room where all the world's paperwork and power cords go to die):

I love you, little man.

THIRD

For a couple of months now, Cal's teacher has been floating the idea that we might want to consider skipping Cal ahead into third grade for the next school year. It's not something Joe and I have pushed (or indeed, even brought up initially) because the memory of this is still pretty fresh in our minds, but after Cal's teacher brought it up the third or fourth time, Joe and I are starting to realize that we might have to make a decision one way or the other.

The main sticking point is this: if academics was the only thing we cared about, yes, absolutely, we would be for skipping Cal a year ahead. School is too easy for him, and he's getting bored. However (and this is a relatively big however), Cal has a couple of problems that don't necessarily translate into academic achievement, though it can (and may) color his experience at school. The main issue in our mind is that Cal is already young for his grade. His birthday is at the end of July, which usually makes him one of the youngest kids in his grade, and in this era of red-shirting kids in kindergarten, he's already up to a year younger than some of the kids in his own class, even before shuffling around. Now, this may or may not be a big deal (I myself was skipped ahead a year in school so I at least have some personal perspective--and my birthday is at the end of June) but I also have to take into account that I was a small Chinese girl going to school in Manhattan, in settings where (and excuse me for generalizing) issues of physicality or athleticism or physical development were not a real big issue, at least not that I could perceive.

However, Cal will be a small-ish boy growing up in Georgia, where, insofar as I can ascertain from my proximity (if not direct involvement) in youth culture, physicality is kind of a big deal. Everyone talks about football. Everyone plays sports. I see some of the kids in Cal's class now, and lord, they are massive. They are good kids, I have not seen or heard any word of bullying or rough-housing or even so much as a double-dog-dare, but remember, this is just first grade--these things may change. And to say nothing about the cesspool that is middle school, what with puberty and hormones all coming into play. Do I want to put Cal in a situation where he's ten years old and in a locker room full of classmates flaunting their fistfuls of chest hair? Is it going to matter? Like I said, maybe it doesn't, and I'd reiterate that I skipped a year and had a perfectly well-adjusted and un-traumatic adolescence--that said, I went to a very academically-oriented high school so it's possible that such things didn't matter as much there as they might in the real world.

But. Cal is bored, and I think we're beginning to see it. In some ways, I guess he kind of likes that school is so easy--all the less effort to expend, my dear--but is this how I want him to grow up, floating along with minimal effort because he knows he doesn't have to do anything more to do "well"? (However, Joe would like me to point out that, indeed, this is just how he went through life basically up until grad school, and LO, LOOK AT HIM NOW. Both sides of the coin, we are.) It's beginning to show in Cal's motivation at school. He just isn't interested in doing things. He'll do the work that is put in front of him, of course, but in the past few months, his participation has taken a subtle turn from compliant to grudging. Is it just because he's bored? Is it a developmental thing? Is he just (and I would be perfectly happy if this were the reason, honestly--Cal's never been known for his extroversion) starting to have more fun with his friends and starting to act more like a goof-off first-grade boy? Would stepping up his curriculum even affect this? I don't know.

Which brings up the broader issue: what is our goal here? What do we want for Cal? What's going to help him succeed the best? Our goal has never been to hustle Cal through school as quick as possible (in fact, now that we're in public school, the idea of giving up a whole year of not paying tuition smarts quite a bit, though less than the idea of MY BABY ultimately leaving us to go to college a year earlier than we anticipated) but given that this option is being presented to us by Cal's own teacher makes us wonder if, for all our hand-wringing, we're holding him back. But what makes someone successful in life ultimately? Having a good experience in school certainly helps, but what defines that good experience? Finding and being pushed to your limits academically? (Not that we think third grade math is "the limit," of course, but certainly having to use a few more neurons isn't a bad thing.) Or having the space and room to grow socially without the stressors of being smaller and slower and younger than everyone else? What is our goal? What's going to be best for Cal? Or, at least, less worse?

TRIO

Well, in the event that we screw up those first two kids, at least now we know that we'll have an extra in reserve. And if I may observe (despite the blurriness of this photo, which was taken with my cell phone camera because our scanner isn't working for some reason), real-time 3D ultrasound technology really is amazing.

Oh! Congratulations! I myself had a third baby 6 weeks ago, and I highly recommend them. Three babies! Yay!

No advice whatsoever about what to do about Cal; rather, I will check back and see what you did, then file it away for possible future reference. So thanks for solving my problems for me ahead of time.

As far as Cal, we struggle with this a bit as well when the teacher asked us if we would be willing to have our son (who is in K) go to first grade reading. My husband went to school in GA too (near Athens) and experienced being put into advanced classes at a young age and hated it! My in-laws (a teacher and a social worker) remember how much he hated it. However, it was mainly because the teachers were not so cooperative. He was hesitant to let our son go to 1st grade reading. But, after speaking to his teacher and knowing it would be more beneficial for him to be with kids on the same level as him, he are allowing it 2x a week. Granted this is not skipping a grade. So maybe you can ask Cal what he wants or is there a way to let him "audit" or go to the class a few hours a week to see how it goes? He may have an opinion either way after seeing how it is? Good luck!

Congratulations!!! I hope you are past the crappy point of pregnancy (or that you're one of those jerks who never gets the nausea and the puking and all the fun stuff). I am currently 8 months pregnant and so whenever someone announces their pregnancy I think, "Aw, that's so exciting... just wait until they get this massive."

I was another skipped-grade kid. Was always the youngest in my class. For me, it was a lifesaver. Not just on the academic side, but because I found the peers in the class I skipped into much preferable to the kids a year below. I definitely wasn't ahead in a social sense and that was definitely the toughest part of it, especially in elementary school. Even then, it took me until about 4th or 5th grade to learn to find my own pursuits outside of school to keep me interested when the grade I skipped to eventually got boring.

It's a tough call. My main question would be to wonder how Cal feels about it, especially the social aspect.

Congratulations!! You guys will have so much fun with 3 kids. And holy cow, it makes me feel old because I have been reading this blog since before Cal, since I remember reading the news that you were pregnant with him!!

Good luck on your decision regarding Cal. My brother sounds pretty similar to Cal. He was doing 5th grade math in 1st grade and 9th grade math in 5th grade, and took a college math class in 8th grade. He could have skipped a grade. My parents choose to keep him on his path (and he was actually started in kindergarten a little bit late). But I don't think he was as bored as Cal sounds. One little tiny thing that probably will matter to him at some point, is that when his classmates are getting their driver's licenses in 10th and 11th grade, he'll be getting his in 12th grade. Not a big deal in New York, but it could be a big deal in the suburbs of Atlanta. Anyway, it will be a tough decision, but either choice is probably a good one.

Congratulations!!! One of the things I LOVED about #3, was seeing how much the older two (about the ages of your two) just loved having a younger brother. Its just a sweet thing. Good luck with your decisions on school for Cal. Its too bad the school has no other option but skip a grade.

Awesome! Can't wait to see the 'tummy'! Good luck with an easy and uncomplicated pregnancy. I have no idea what those are myself...Cal- I am sure you will both make the best decision- no matter what it ends up being. Just remember that every kid IS different, will have very different experiences, and even if you make the wrong decision, I haven't met too many smart people that were "scarred for life" because their parent's wanted what was best for them!

As for Cal, I don't really have a solution.... Is it possible to find him some sort of after school enrichment like, oh I don't know, science camp, or music or something like that? (I have no idea if these things even exist.) It sucks that the school doesn't have an accelerated section. I'd say don't skip him for social reasons, but I remember my experiences in 7th and 8th grade when I went to a public school for two years where they didn't have an accelerated section, and I am STILL bitter about them retarding my progress in math and science. I basically learned nothing for two years. It was a problem.

And re: moving Cal up, I'd say ask the third grade teacher(s), the Principal, and the school counselor what they think. Ask the second grade teachers too. Are there similarly brainy kids in the other first grades in the school and could they be grouped together in second grade and given a slightly accelerated curriculum?

I went to school in semi-rural central california. My skippage was handled in parts, and it actually worked out okay (granted, I was a girl, so the size expectation wasn't such a big deal). In second grade, I would go to the 3rd grade class for reading and would come back to the 2nd grade class afterwards; a few months later, another hour was added for math with the 3rd graders; and then since I was missing music with the 2nd graders anyway (these were the days where the ARTS mattered), I stayed for music too.... this kept happening with more and more parts, like spelling and history, through the rest of second and third grade until I skipped the fourth grade entirely and just moved into the 5th grade with people I'd been going to school with for the last three years. The move to middle school at 7th grade wasn't easy, but I don't think being younger would have matttered - 7th grade is just hell for everyone.

Congrats on baby #3!!! (gosh I feel old....I still remember your posts pre Cal). If Cal graduates a year ahead, you can always let him travel the world for a year and then go back to college. Imagine the experience! You know...just a suggestion. ;) Good luck to finding a solution soon!

So nice to hear from you. I guess the last 3 months really flew by - I knew I missed your updates, but I hadn't realized it had been so long.

When I was in the 2nd grade, I was in a similar situation to Cal's, but my parents decided against the big move-up. I was boooored. Bored, bored, BORED. And I grew up to be a lazy student in high school and beyond. But, you know, correlation bla bla causation bla.

Congrats on your third; hope all is well with the rest of the gang - Joe, Cooper, extendeds, YOU.

And a tardy Happy New Year to you and yours, as well. Thanks for sharing your big news with us.

my daughter (so sorry i have no boy advice...i realize it makes a difference) was like cal, and her 2nd grade teacher recommended she skip 3rd grade. "there is nothing in the 3rd grade curriculum that she's not already rock solid in", she told us.

but then the principal was a dweeb and was highly opposed to advancement. "almost always results in a bad outcome" he said. we were prepared to do push and fight so that she would have a good experience, but between him and the fact that they did place her with a 3rd grade teacher that we liked and felt good about, we let it go. then the schools went on strike and i ended up home-schooling my kids from october till the end of the school year because we knew we'd be moving at the end of that year for medical school anyway, and that i couldn't mess her up too badly (her brother was doing kindergarten, which i felt reasonably confident i could supply him with). we found websites to challenger her (she was doing algebraic fractions at that point) and took a TON of fun field trips. i'm a flight attendant, so we'd fly to, say, virginia and go to williamsburg to learn about colonial america, and to DC to explore the museums and learn about the government and civic responsibility. we went to boston and walked the freedom trail and hawaii to the rain forest and vocano, and so forth. it was a good year and then we moved and she started 4th grade with a gifted & talented instructor who kept her challenged.

the thing of it all is, it's really easy in elementary school to be bored and "ahead of the game". but now that she's in high school (9th grade), she's loaded up her schedule and is SUPERFREAKINGBUSY and we deal with burnout on a regular basis. she's years ahead in math, and takes AP and advanced classes in all her academic subjects, so it's really not a problem with being bored now. the work is pretty much her life, and we relish the moments when she's actually "free" and doesn't have some massive project hanging over her head. i'm really glad we didn't accelerate her now, because i'm just astonished at how little time we have left with her (will miss her terribly) and having another year of childhood isn't a bad thing. she'll get to be a grown up for a LOOONG time. but the time with her family is fleeting. she's got a good group of peers and between school, orchestra, piano studies, and her service scholar activities, she's got a busy, well-rounded life. those feelings we had (which you described SO PRECISELY above about cal) were very real, seemed so crucial to do the right thing. we'll never know what she's missed by not being a year ahead, but she's having a good childhood, and that is priceless.

you'll know what to do, and things will work out after all. i'm so excited for your new baby. that is the happiest news ever! congrats, michelle! ♥

Congratulations!!!Regarding Cal - ultimately you can only make the best decision you can, with the information you have at hand, and with the best intentions at heart, and hope for the best. Another aspect to perhaps consider is 'feeling' different. As a member of an ethnic minority in a predominately white area, I found it immensely helpful that my parents sent me to 'Saturday school', where I was taught the language of my ethnic heritage, spent time with other kids who looked like me (this shouldn't matter at all in this day and age, but in reality I personally found it an incredibly positive experience at a time where I felt my difference in appearance acutely, and it gave me greater confidence in being myself), and in one Saturday school they also taught pretty much the entire curriculum (including math) of the respective country! Now, that stopped me from being bored! As a child, all I really wanted to do was play, and get away from doing work, but looking back on it, I'm eternally grateful to my parents for the experience. It gave me a different set of friends and environment (so if things got a bit much in one, I always had the other), I learnt the basis of another language (which has been incredibly helpful in my adult working life - I'm a doctor), I felt academically challanged at a time when 'main' school wasn't challanging - but, once it came to exams in 'main' school, the stuff and concepts I learnt in Saturday school were back and I was familiar with them, while my peers were struggling with them for the first time. And probably most importantly, I had a lot of fun, and look back upon those days with fondness. This could perhaps be considered as a part of a wider education and development, and another option compared to moving up a grade. I wish you all the best in your decision.

Just in case it is helpful, from the prospective of someone who did not skip a grade but probably could/should have. By the time I got to grad school I felt really burnt out on school and would have loved to have been in one less year/had one year of flexibility. Going to public school in Missouri the curriculum had a lot of a redundancy anyway and looking back I think there was at least a year of wasted time in there if not more for me.

At the time I had a lot of fun with social activities and school activities so it wasn't a bad experience at all but looking back it was a lot of "wasted" time that I could have found a good use for in my 20s.

I am also due in July 2012! It's a good month. I have a daughter who is seven years old and instead of moving her up a grade we've decided to ask that she be tested for entry into the gifted and talented program that begins in third grade in her school district. I'm not sure if there is something similar where you live, but it might be worth looking in to?

My daughter is about 10 months older than Cal (though if she would have waited to be born near her due date she would only be 7 months older). Last year we struggled with the decision to hold her back. Partly because of a move mid-year and the Kindergartners here can read 100 sight words and count to 100 by 1/5/10. Where we came from they were happy if the kids could walk in a line and spell their names by the end of Kindergarten. With a lot of work, she was academically ready but emotionally she was a wreck. Ultimately, we decided that the social and emotional aspects were equally important and she is in Kindergarten version 2.0. It has been wonderful for her. To come to this decision we had bi-weekly conferences with the Kindergarten teacher, a first grade teacher, the principal and the school counselor for 3 months. The final decision was not made until 3 days before school was out for the summer. I'm sure you and Joe will do what you believe is best for Cal; but maybe multiple meetings (or phone calls) with the staff will help guide you. Good luck!

Congratulations! Wow, THREE kids. Three seems like such a daunting number to me.

Such a tough decision about Cal. Is there a third option, as others have suggested above, that would allow him to stay in second grade but be challenged -- a gifted and talented program, supplemental/different schoolwork, independent projects he could do?

Cngratulations! And good luck deciding about Cal. I grew up being a full year younger than the average age in my grade (but I'm a girl). When I went to boarding school though, I repeated ninth grade and just took harder classes since there was a lot of flexibility in the coursework. If I'd "skipped" to tenth, I think it would have been a little awkward socially.

You guys will make the right decision for Cal, but I just offer my experience. I was a smart kid and skipped first grade. Result: I was still the smartest kid in my grade, but I was also the youngest kid in my grade -- and I was so out of my league, socially. By the time I hit fifth grade, it was a real issue. I was still bored in school AND socially miserable. So when we moved to a new state, my parents had me repeat the grade and basically get back on track with my peers. It was a very dull year academically, but I don't think I was hurt by it, and it gave me an opportunity to really figure out the social stuff. Ultimately, I think it really helped me survive the painful middle school years and do very well socially in high school. Bottom line for me is that skipping a grade in early elementary does not necessarily solve the problem of being bored in school, and may create other problems down the road.

I knew it! Congratulations and all the best to you! Re: Cal, I have to echo the comments above and say that my parents would not allow me to skip a grade, but were very enthusiastic about my enrollment in a gifted program. Now this was in Canada where more government resources go towards public education and more options are available (at least in those days) but each school district had one school designated to house a gifted program, and every student in the province was tested in the third grade. In the end, it was the most rewarding experience of my elementary academic life, being put together with other similar kids for the first time, and growing up with them as we moved through school as a unit. Just wanted to put in my vote for that option, if one exists in your area ... but if not, I totally agree with the commenter above that it's hard to scar your kid for life when you want what's best for him. Congrats again!

congratulations! so happy for you and your whole family. And - HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MACK!! I started reading your blog around the time he was born. Thanks for sharing some of your life with us. And Mazel Tov!!!!

Congratulations on the pregnancy! As far as the skipping goes, I'll offer my 2 cents as well. My husband and I both skipped grades. It did not affect him in the slightest - 3 sport star in high school, plenty of friends. Of course, physically he didn't look smaller than anyone else, and he was born close to the cutoff for the school year so he wasn't that much younger than his peers. Academically, he was of the "I'll just skid by and it will all work out" variety (and it did work out, lucky him) so skipping a grade made no difference to him academically, he still barely did his homework and focused on sports and having fun. I was born towards the end of the academic year and was a nerd through and through so academically I benefited from being skipped. However, socially it was rough. I was a lot younger and a lot more clueless than my peers. Part of that I attribute to having older parents who had no idea what was up and being an only child and having nobody to turn to at home for social advice.

Since my husband and I both skipped, the question has been raised as to what we'll do with our daughter if she is offered the opportunity to skip. I don't know what I would do. I don't want her to be the socially clueless teen that I was though I think the fact that I am (painfully) aware of this pitfall means that I would be able to help her more than my own mother (who, by the way, skipped TWO grades and managed to survive just fine but she's tough as nails, me not so much). I also wouldn't want to hold her back academically and it goes against my nerdiness to choose social life over academics. I wish you the best of luck as you make the decision and I'm sure whatever you decide will work out well.

I went to public school in suburban Chicago and was a smart kid (and also born the end of June). The schools were progressive and college prep and my teachers were always pushing me into gifted programs. At one point, when I was in fifth grade, the schools wanted me to transfer to a different school for a gifted program. I always had a lot of friends and was very socially adjusted and mature for my age, so my parents sat me down and asked me what I thought I wanted to do. And I said I didn't want to be labeled more of "a brain" than I already got teased about and wanted to be a normal kid and stay with my friends and my class. And I did, and I was happy I had. By the time I got to high school I was editor of the paper and very active in the school community. Did I get bored in class? Sometimes I did, but I was very lucky to have some extraordinary teachers who really challenged me. I got into an elite university and later also pursued a graduate degree there. And I have worked in my field (journalism, a field that is very challenged right now) for 32 years and taught journalism on the side. I'm so happy I didn't switch schools or skip grades when I was a kid. I strongly believe that so much of education is the social aspect of life ... you can be as book smart as you want, but if you're sad, lonely, maladjusted or lack common sense, all of the book smarts in the world won't help you. I'm thrilled that you looked at your son a whole person and how he'll fit in the world ... and not just how smart he is. He'll be a happy, well-adjusted child and probably smarter for that, too.

Congrats! My younger brother and I both skipped a grade and attended a high school similar to the one you attended! (We live in Toronto, Canada) We had no problems adjusting - in fact, there were a few classmates that skipped a grade as well. You'll make the right decision!

my parents were given the opportunity to have me skip - and chose not to for social reasons - and i'm an older girl at that! i agree w/ many posters above - i would have had serious social issues had i been a year ahead. heck, i feel like i didn't really catch up til college as is! was always far ahead academically, in music, and kicked butt in my sport, but socially i was a bit off til quite a bit later on.

Agree with Sadie that social adjustment might be an issue in middle and high school. For key celebrations like sweet sixteen etc, he will be out of sync with the rest of his peers. Besides, being physically the smallest of his class might not fare well when he is a teenager. Most feedback from parents who had a kid that skipped a grade do wish they didn't do it. Go gifted curriculum but keep him in the same grade.,

I was losing hope! So glad you are back. Congratulations on number three, happy birthday to Mack (much belated) and good luck with the school decision. We are currently doing the public/private debate for our soon-to-be-kindergartener. There's so much to think about that it makes my head hurt.