Save The Bruins: A Special Telethon Event

The following script was found left in a bathroom stall at the NESN studios in Boston.

Denis Leary: Good evening and thank you for joining us. As you all know, a few months ago a city was besieged by a devastating event. A group that started out with such promise and excitement was rocked by a catastrophic event. What was supposed to be a time of joy and promise has now turned to despair. Tonight, you can contribute and help these people who need your assistance the most. Countless celebrities from around the area have joined us tonight to help man the phone banks and take your calls. So please, anything you can spare can help. Whether you have some extra pucks or some tape, please do what you can. If you know how to run a power play or initiate a breakout, your time can do wonders. Again, pick up that phone and call 1-888-HOPE-4-BS as part of tonight’s special telethon, “Hope for the Hub of Hockey.”

Camera fades to a video montage featuring: Scott Walker sucker-punching Aaron Ward and then scoring the series-clincher in game seven, Phil Kessel rushing up and down the ice for Toronto, Alex Ovechkin scoring goal after goal on Opening Night, the ghosts of the Montreal Forum coming out for a pregame skate and the Bruins losing 5-1, Milan Lucic getting hurt, Marc Savard messing up his knee on incidental contact, Dennis Wideman turning the puck over, Dennis Wideman shooting the puck wide, Peter Chiarelli realizing his top line is centered by Mark Recchi, Claude Julien crying while lining Miroslav Satan up to run his top power play, Tim Thomas skating off the ice after another shootout loss like he is a mighty-mite changing at the buzzer, Zdeno Chara getting bowled over by players a foot shorter than him, and fans slumping in their seats at the Garden.

Come back live to the main desk.

Ben Affleck: Tonight, you have the power to help heal this troubled team. It is no question what this group needs the most. For months now, they have been without the most basic of hockey necessities. Only 19 times this year have our Bruins been able to score three times in one night. Without the required offense, this team will not survive. The Bruins have tried everything, from trading 20-goal scorers to signing 35-year old players who haven’t skated in an NHL game all season. It just isn’t working, and they are tragically running out of time. How many more nights can we sit idly by and watch these 20 men flounder? It is inhumane and it is our moral responsibility to do what we can to help.

Fade to black. Come back with Blink-182’s song “I Miss You” playing over clips of Byron Bitz missing wide open nets on feeds from Marc Savard as well as the failed attempts from the Blake Wheeler-David Krejci-Michael Ryder line. Wrap up the series with the shots from Dennis Wideman and Andrew Ferrence that are wide by three feet.

Leary: Heavy stuff. What does it say about the depths to which a team has sank when there have been more goals scored by Phil Esposito on an episode of Rescue Me than there have been by the Bruins in a week, at times? The good news is that you can help save the season. Head coach Claude Julien knows that he can no longer rely on his singular mind to keep things afloat. This task is too much for just one leader. That is why we are now opening up the phone lines for thoughts on line combinations and power play strategies. As we turn the page on this horrible stretch of our lives, let us take a moment to remember the combinations which have met a tragic and untimely end.

As Leary walks towards the camera and off the stage, the lights dim and a curtain begins to rise from the floor as James Taylor’s “Fire and Rain” begins to play.