9. We're disappointed that the US government failed to reach a reasonable settlement with Microsoft. We thought that our press release last year about Microsoft buying the US government took care of these little details.

8. We support a free marketplace. So long as our support is visibly branded everywhere, at any price.

7. The Road Ahead: Revised edition, "How to avoid the sink holes."

6. When in doubt, spend gobs of cash on ads in all the major newspapers on a one-day rampage against government. That always beats befriending politicians and bureaucrats.

5. We value our customers. That's why we only charge $75 per question on our toll-free tech support phone lines! (Hey, at least the phone call is free)

4. Just because our marketing memos effectively caught us with our pants down and our hands in the cookie jar, doesn't mean we can't bully our way out of this mess.

3. We love the idea of competition. That's why we bought a huge chunk of Apple.

2. The US economy depends heavily on Microsoft's ability to release Windows on time. Yeah, and that also proves how insignificant and non-monopolistic we are as compared to our software competitors.