A decade of psychiatric misdiagnosis: reconstruction and reconciliation

Ghosts.

Things are moving along here as one expects them to. I’m at seven weeks today. I feel pretty sick most of the time. I vacillate between feeling like I’m on the verge of puking (or actually puking) and crying, all of which they tell me is par for the course, and does get better eventually.

Agnes is holding up mostly OK so far, though she is definitely carrying a bigger burden around the house, which is strange for us. We have a lot of identity tied up in sharing work equally, and I really hate not being able to pull my weight. I get that it’s temporary, and sure, I did everything back when she was pregnant with our first, but there is ever so much more to do now that we have a toddler and only barely stay this side of complete chaos as it is. We’re trying to lower standards (we already thought they were pretty low), and hunker down into survival mode, and I’m trying very hard not to feel guilty, but it’s not easy. I think we just haven’t figured out what the new normal is…and I guess that will be a moving target for some time to come.

I’m finding the emotional pieces of this very difficult, and I think it is bringing up some old patterns in our relationship that I’d rather not revisit. Back when Agnes and I were first together over 7 years ago, I believed I was bipolar, and so did she. This whole re-evaluation of my care and diagnosis, and withdrawal from meds is her story, too. She’s been there from the beginning. From the start, there was a disturbing caretaker aspect to our relationship that we eventually kicked. When I got into a bad spot, I really could suck the life out of our relationship, demanding more and more attention, behaving less and less respectfully and reasonably. And yes I was in pain, but I really could run through Agnes’s rather remarkable supply of personal resources pretty quickly. The worst time for us in this respect was when I was withdrawing from Zyprexa. It sucked both of us dry, and honestly, when I think back, I’m amazed that our relationship survived. I think the fact that it did speaks well for both of us, ultimately. After years of this, a bad day or any overreaction on my part could spark immediate aggravation and annoyance on Agnes’s part, and I can’t really blame her. Now that we’ve moved to being more equals in this relationship, now that I’m not “the sick one” that dynamic hardly ever comes up, but I fear my melancholy during these last few weeks may be bringing it out again.

I keep telling myself that this is 100% normal. I am so not even anywhere removed from the average first trimester experience, but I fear I’m slipping back into old behaviors, and even if I’m not, I can sense sometimes that Agnes’s patience with my tearfulness is limited. And I don’t want to sound like she’s not being supportive. She absolutely is. And she’s as excited and scared about this as I am. But that old dynamic is haunting us, and I’m not sure how to nix it. Until now, the way I nixed it was by being healthy, independent and supportive of Agnes, and pulling my weight. But now that my energy is so low, my tears so close to the surface, and I find myself in a position of actually needing to be taken care of, I find myself at a loss for how to move forward in a healthy way. I don’t want to be who I was before.

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7 Responses

I think that you are right that we are both reacting to some old patterns in our relationship that are being reawakened (that we really wish would stay asleep). You’ve been voicing the “I’m really crazy” worry a lot lately, but you are no worse than I was back when I was pregnant. It’s an emotionally trying time — you’ve got kind of a three-month case of killer PMS basically.

I wish I had an easy answer. Part of the answer probably lies in each of us reaching out to other people, and I know that can be difficult for you in particular because you feel this pressure to look competent. I’ll try not to think I need to fix you, because that never really works well for either of us. I’ll mostly just try to be a listening ear and when I get tired of listening I’ll just tell you! At least that’s what I’ll try to do…

I don’t have any magical words of wisdom either…other than hang in there, it will get better. I was exhausted and sick my first trimester, and that did get better…I didn’t get really tired again until towards the end, when you’re dragging around all that extra weight and just want to be done.

I do agree that pregnancy is a lot harder when you’ve got a toddler running around…I worked through my first pregnancy, and was a stay-at-home mom through my second. My first was much, much easier.

As far as the old patterns go, this is different in a lot of ways…for one thing, pregnancy is a temporary situation. And it’s kind of a chance to see how far you’ve come–the fact that you’re aware of the old patterns says you’ve learned a lot in the intervening years. And as you know, marriage is a two way street…there are times when one partner needs to lean more on the other. Try not to feel guilty about that, because as you’ve said, there’ve been times when Agnes has had to lean on you, too. Part of that comittment to each other is letting the other one help when you need it, and accepting that help graciously. (I have to work on this…whenever hubby starts doing anything that looks like cleaning, my knee-jerk reaction is, “What, aren’t I doing a good enough job for you?” rather than graciously accepting his help.)

Hang in there! You’ve learned an awful lot about yourself through your withdrawal, and it sounds like you and Agnes have a pretty strong and resilient relationship. You’ll do fine!

Jazz & Gianna– I love the idea of looking at this as an opportunity, that somehow living through something that used to be a difficult dynamic for us, but with new skills and for a non-pathologized reason, could help us set a new course for the NEXT time one or the other of us needs more care. Because you’re right. There will be a next time, for whatever reason. I can’t expect to always be EXTRA capable and EXTRA independent and neither can Agnes. I have to find ways to be able to accept help and care. I told your ideas to Agnes and she loved them too. We both love a new challenge and new opportunities, and now we’re seeing it that way, instead of as a giant black hole sucking us into old scary places.

wow I’ve been remiss in checking in here– i’m so happy for you being pregnant!! I can understand the fear of not wanting to tap into the old pattern, but hormones do tend to run a bit wild, so don’t worry, is my thought.

[…] at Windmills Agnes and I have been thinking and talking more about what I wrote about in the last post, in terms of figuring out how to support each other as things shift and energy wanes during […]