Cookie policy notice

By continuing to use this site you agree to our cookies policy below:
Since 26 May 2011, the law now states that cookies on websites can ony be used with your specific consent. Cookies allow us to ensure that you enjoy the best browsing experience.

An alternative to GMC investigations: my psychic cat

My name is Mr Strugastky and I was chief researcher at the National Institute for Soviet Psychical Studies (SPSSSCCCP). Well I was until that unfortunate incident involving Mr Lobechevsky and the suitcase (it’s a long story).

But that’s all in the past, this letter isn’t about me and it’s not about faulty suitcases either, it’s about my cat.

Mr Tibbles is no ordinary cat. Since kittenhood he’s displayed an extraordinary talent.

One day he was sat on our fence staring at the neighbour’s budgie. Within less than a week the budgie was found dead at the bottom of his cage. Everyone said it was natural causes but we all know it wasn’t!

I’ll give you another example. He once diagnosed my wife’s second cousin (and by second cousin I mean they share great-grandparents, she doesn’t actually number her cousins) with a near fatal cat fur allergy after brushing his tail up against her nose. Again this shows a prescience which isn’t normally associated with the humble cat.

Because of his innate psychic abilities I’ve been teaching Mr Tibbles how to read the human mind. This hasn’t been easy, it’s taken 20 years, two nights in custody and a stay at the local psychiatric hospital but I think he’s finally cracked it.

Now this is where you boys at the GMC come in.

Simply place two cards in front of him, one with ‘guilty as charged’ written on it and the other with ‘not guilty’ (teaching him to read was a whole other story) and then present the allegation. For example: ‘Did Mrs S eat my cheese sandwich?’ He will then deftly tap on the guilty as charged card with his paw, even though Mrs S vehemently denies it. He does this with unfailing accuracy. Mr Tibbles’s talents will do away with all of those time-consuming and unnecessary investigations that you have to do at the GMC and will free up your time to dole out the punishments. He is indeed a furry genius.

All he needs is some cat biscuits (preferably moistened) a warm radiator and several hundred pounds in advanced payments.

I enclosed a detailed drawing of Mr Tibbles in the act of telepathy. I don’t own a camera so I can’t send you a picture. Enjoy.

We at the GMC have reviewed your statment about the psychic ability of Mr Tibbles as well as the possible role he could play in our organisation.

While we find Mr Tibbles may posses some of the positive character traits of other felines, such as a sadistic nature towards rat like creatures inferior to himself, unfortunately we feel he may be too efficient, cheap and rapid in his work.

In this later respect, Mr Tibbles may lack the ability to sustain a long term full blown intimidate of his future clients.

Due to this, we feel Mr Tibble's nature would be possibly too humaine in light of him potentially taking only a few moments to induce psychological injury in his victims, such as when he is toying with his live food.

We at the GMC prefer the more drawn out methods which cause longer term intimidation in our victims...ahhem clients...

So because of these potential flaws in his nature we will unfortunately have to turn down his application.

Now Mr Hinkley....we have had an anonomous complaint about your writings and .......

. . . "Let the jury consider their verdict," the King said, for about the twentieth time that day."No, no!" said the Queen. "Sentence first–verdict afterward.""Stuff and nonsense!" said Alice loudly. "The idea of having the sentence first!""Hold your tongue!" said the Queen, turning purple."I won't!" said Alice."Off with her head!" the Queen shouted at the top of her voice. Nobody moved."Who cares for you?" said Alice. (She had grown to her full size by this time.) "You're nothing but a pack of cards!"