Forum posts made by mistresss

I've personally not had much experience with SAM's, only seen and heard stories about some. Some seem to enjoy being punished by their Dom/mes but don't want to admit that to themselves, so will subconsciously act out to get the punishment without needing to admit that they like it. This often leads to them being rather upset as they realize they are upsetting their Dom/me, but seem unable to stop what they are doing. The other kind I have heard of, rather than enjoying the punishment, instead enjoy angering or upsetting their Dom/me, I can only assume that those SAM's realize what they are doing.

In the case of the second kind the relationship doesn't last very long, and the SAM will likely try to find a new Dom/me who hasn't heard of them before, which may be why I have heard of the second kind more.

I believe that BlackTalon is referring to the first kind of SAM I mentioned, where they do want to change, but find themselves unable to, though I would always recommend talking to the Sub and asking why they are misbehaving so much, rather than trying to make them change.

Hazzah!!! I took this test and it validated what I already knew! Perfectly balanced!! So for anyone who thinks I'm a Domme cough Mistress S, SimplyJohn, Ankara cough cough here's the proof :p *searches for my flogger*

You and your partner share equal power. Neither of you is completely dominant or completely submissive. You have reached that beautiful harmony in your relationship that others are so jealous of. You trade off hats, pants, and toys and are always looking out for each others' best interests. Congrats.

Can't speak for everyone else, but in my case, it was my sub who asked for this rule. Since she doesn't like upsetting or annoying people she can find it hard at times to say no to people, so being able to say that she isn't allowed to private chat with people helps take the pressure of her, since it's not up to her in a way.

I have also seen on other sites, not so much here, mentions of some subs being manipulated by people into going into private chats with them. From people using reasons like how 'they'll help the sub better serve their Dom/me' or telling the sub that it is what is expected of them and they shouldn't say no (which I found particularly disgusting to read). Being given the rule that they can't private chat stops this from happening (assuming they follow the rule of course), and like above it means the sub no longer is responsible for that decision, so they shouldn't be able to be guilted of forced into going into these private chats.

I think I can say however that the majority of Dom/mes (the ones I know anyway) who give this rule are ok with the sub private chatting or whispering with friends, so long as they know that the person isn't going to try make the sub to cyber with them.

I'd love for my partner to be more dominating since I'm submissive in nature in the bedroom, but I'm not sure how to approach him about it. We dabble with handcuffs and toys but that's the extent of it.

Any suggestions on how to introduce it? The most obvious thing I would suggest would be is just talking to him about it, and telling him how you feel. Since you already try some light bondage, I'd imagine he is open to the idea of it. You could also try reading some stories or watching some porn together, dropping hints about how some of the things look interesting or fun, to see if he agrees and wants to try them and then talk it over.

If he is interested, but not sure about it, try suggesting having a scene one night, where you can both agree to try out some things to see what you do and don't like.

Bit surprised I haven't done a post on this sooner, so thanks to the person who reminded me.

So this post will be about some of the safety precautions that should be taken.

Obviously the first one that everyone should be aware off safe words. These can be anything that the couple wants to use, but should be something easy to remember, and of course something that wont normally be called out. Both the Dom/me and the sub should have them. My pet and I use the traffic light system. where in, red would mean definitively stop immediately because you are very against something happening, orange would mean stop because you are uncomfortable or worried and want to discuss it, and green would mean everything was fine again.

However, there might be situations where you can't say your safe word, for example if the sub is gagged. In this case you need another method. with my sub I use something that I saw suggested in another site, I give her a pair of Chinese worry balls to hold, if she would use her safe word she drops the balls, both for red, one for orange. with this though you need to make sure they will make a loud enough sound for you to hear it, so I tend not to gag my sub often.

Something that I think tends to be overlooked by some is when using bondage, you need to be very careful, it can be easy to accidentally block the flow of blood to parts of the body. This tends to not be less important, with the use of things like cuffs, which are fairly comfortable and they are what is tied instead of the sub. whenever practicing bondage, you should also take care not to keep the person in an awkward position for long, and any ties should be easily undone. Personally I keep a pair of scissors nearby to cut the rope off if needed.

Those who are into things like heat play, most notable wax play, you should only use candles made for using on people, since they will melt at a lower temperature than regular candles. As a personal note I make sure to drip some on my own arm first to make sure it does not burn.

One thing I am very uncomfortable with, but I'll try my best to offer some safety advice, is knife play. Now this is something that someone new should not try, and no one should try it unless you trust the person explicitly. The blades used should always be dulled as much as possible, so as to make any injury less likely, use the blade as lightly as possible, I'd suggest the person using the knife to run it against their hand first as to make sure it wont cut and of course, keep it away from any major arteries or veins. (If you both do want to the feeling of the blade to seem sharp, I have read somewhere that keeping it in ice so it is cold before use will make it seem sharp, rather than actually using a sharp blade.)

I can respect the desire to self-identify. However, I do wish to respectfully ask this:

If there is no difference between the two, why do you choose one over the other? In my mind, "slave" is not derogatory or anything other than descriptive. But, perhaps, my mindset is not universal. If you say that there's no difference... Then what's the difference?

We have many different words that mean the same thing in language. I think it simply comes down to each persons personal preference.

As Ravyn has said, it depends on who you ask. I have seen this debated on many occasions, across many sites, and I don't think there is a truly definitive answer.

My sub and I live the lifestyle 24/7 (as opposed to set 'play' times) But unlike ProfessionalMaster I would never refer to her as my slave, I simply do not like the term. I usually refer to her as my sub or my pet.

Personally I feel the term 'slave' can give the wrong impression for those who are new to the lifestyle, even those who do use the term know that the 'slave' still has the same freedoms and is still a person, this means that they can always say no (use their safe word), to anything that goes beyond their limits of what they are willing to do. (These can and often are pushed in Dom/sub relationships, but that is for another discussion). The term 'slave' can give the impression that the person does not have any rights themselves, and can scare some off or mean some new Dom/mes may be abusive. I'm glad to say this happens very rarely now however, since there is far more education about the lifestyle out there.

I am sorry you misinterpreted and felt the need to pretend that offense gives you the authority to attempt to suppress the ideas of others.

Ok, I am really tired of this now, I have tried to be civil about this, and as I said, I have never tried to make you change what you think. I merely stated that it has offended many and have defended myself and those in the lifestyle from what seems like a verbal attack on us by this point.Clearly you are just trying to goad me now. I have said what I will in response to your original points, I'm not going to continue this further. I'd appreciate if you don't either.

If I have made it appear like that, and I'm told by many others that I haven't, then I apologize.

If you had made it clear then you would not have offended as many as you have, so it seems clear that people think you are talking about a physical need, that was the original point of my posts.

I do not speak for the lifestyle, if you would read what I have said before, I am telling you what many others have said to me as well, I just happen to be the one posting it here.

To answer your question, I am well aware of what the SM stands for, and no, I do not want to hide it.Personally I am not into that side of BDSM, but as I see it, those who are are always close to crossing the line where it becomes abuse, I wont deny that there are some who do cross that line, but when they do they cease to be a Dom/me. (Not my own words, I was told this by someone who is trained in the SM side of BDSM, and who has trained Dom/mes for several years).

I have never told you what to do, only asked, and hoped that you might see that your posts have offended people. If what you have said is true, then what you are trying to say has seemed like something else, and what it looks like to others is offensive.

At this point it is clear that you are not going to stop, and neither will I since I wont stand back while someone posts things that (seems to) be aimed at and offend people in the lifestyle. Either way I have asked for this thread to be locked, or for our posts to be deleted as they are not relevant to the thread, as it is the only way this will stop.

At no point have I acted like I alone speak for the lifestyle, everything I have said has also been said by many others I have talked to, I simply have written them down in response to you.

All off your posts have used the word 'need' in the sense that they need control in the same way they need air or water, if you have not meant it this way, then your posts have made it seem you do, and again, many agree with me on that.

Yet again I'll say, abuse is abuse, it doe not matter if a sub feels they deserve that abuse, it is still abusive and no Dom/me should be abusing anyone, if they do then they are not a Dom/me, simply an abuser.

If these people you have talked to really feel they need so much control to be happy, I strongly advise that they seek help for that, people who need something that much to be happy will become forceful in their search for it and they will need more and more of it as time goes on to stay happy, and they will end up hurting those around them. As I said in one of my first posts, Dom/mes enjoy being in control, it is not necessary for their happiness.

My original post was that I felt you would offend many on the site with what you said, clearly you don't care about this, and you are not going to try to understand the lifestyle. You can say all you want that your posts were not aimed at people in the lifestyle, but this is a forum topic about the lifestyle, of course it is going to be interpreted that you are talking about it. I have never said that there are not those who feel they need control, there are, but there are very few, and those who do believe they need control will always end up abusing people to get that control.

I am not wanting to control what you think, you can believe whatever you want, I asked you to stop, or re word your posts because it has hurt and offended many on those site who are in the lifestyle, and it is because of posts like yours that people get the wrong idea about the lifestyle. Think what ever you want, but leave people who are genuinely interested in the lifestyle to find out about it without their ideas being corrupted by what you are saying, since you have no experience in it and according to what you have just said, were not even talking about in the first place.

No. I think I have something to say that others might want to read. I don't think you can presume to speak for the entire lifestyle. To say "we are people just like everyone else" and then to deny that people in the lifestyle struggle with control issues is a contradiction. Everyone else is dealing with the fulfillment of their control needs, why not the people in the lifestyle? I am not judging the people in the lifestyle by pointing out that they use it to fulfill their control needs any more than I would be judging skydivers for using airplanes to fulfill their needs for high speed approaches to planetary surfaces. I don't judge people who need to control others, I judge how they accomplish it. That's where they can cross the line between use and abuse and that is dependent on the sub's perception.

The people I've spoken with who are in the lifestyle say they are there because it gives them a safe way to get their control fix. Are they lying to me? They also say they were not satisfied with relationships that did not offer them the control they desired. Were those lies or did they just not understand? I've watched them struggle with attempts to find compatible subs and when they failed I watched them attempt to control others, just to get what they were missing. I'm standing by what I wrote. You're feeling a need to defend something that wasn't being attacked.

I never said that I alone was speaking for the lifestyle, everything I have said came from talking with many others and doing research on the lifestyle.

I also never said people never want control in their lives, I said that Dom/mes do not NEED it, neither do most people out there, there are those few who really feel they do but as I said before, those who do NEED to control do not look for a Dom/sub relationship, they simply take that control, and abuse those who they try to control. A Dom/mes control comes from the sub giving it to them. So I feel I can say that those in the lifestyle do not NEED that control, or they would not be in the lifestyle.

As for how you say the point it becomes abuse is up to the sub, if someone would beat on their partner whenever they got angry, would you say that was abuse? Of course you would, even if the person being abused said they were ok with it, they say this because they are afraid it will get worse if they say anything. Abuse is abuse, regardless of what the person who is receiving it says.

These people you have asked who have told you they use it to exercise their 'control fix' as you put it, I highly doubt that they meant that they have a 'need' to control, and I doubt what they said iis the same as how you have written it. If they did say that they NEED to control, then I feel very worried for anyone they have a relationship with, and neither myself or any other Dom/me I have ever spoken too would say that someone like that was a Dom/me themselves, they may call themselves a Master/Mistress, but this would be another attempt to be in control, what truly makes someone a Dom/me is that they look after and care for their subs, and in return their subs give control to them, they never take that control without the subs consent.

I also never said that you were attacking the lifestyle, what I said is that what you have said and how you said it is very offensive to many on here that are in the lifestyle.

It seems to me this thread is about the people beneath the "lifestyle" mask. At least that's who I assume Shylass was trying to understand. It did not seem that she was asking about the mechanics of living the lifestyle. For Dom/mes and subs in the lifestyle who are true to type, what I said is true and if a Dom is too resentful of their depenency on subs, they will overcontrol because truly dominant personalities are one-trick ponies. Abuse until they have to make up is their cycle until they learn self-control, which the truly dominant personality is usually poor at achieving. If you're going to tell me that none of the Dom/mes in the lifestyle are true to type, then be prepared to be disbelieved. Overcontrol by a true-to-type Dom is a sign of fear borne from dependency. Addict behavior.

If you want to talk about Dom/mes who are not true to type, who willingly allow their subs to set the rules and dictate their behavior, then the issue isn't really trust, but display of trust, in other words play acting. In that case, you can possibly turn around what I said and find Dom/mes who are seeking a sense of self-worth in their sense of place and subs who are at risk of overcontrolling their Dom/mes out of dependency.

People in the lifestyle do not have some kind of 'mask' as you put it, we are people just like everyone else, we are not pretending to be something we are not.

When you say there must be those in the lifestyle that 'need' to control, this shows you clearly do not know what a Dom/me is, dom/mes do not abuse their sub, they look after and care for their subs, and in return the subs offer their submission. Neither side 'needs' to control/ be controlled, it is a choice of both sides. Yes there are those who do have this need, but they are not Dom/mes, they are abusers, and have no interest in the lifestyle, they only care about the control, and will exercise that control over any person they are in a relationship with, they don't want a Dom/sub relationship.

Again, i ask you to stop with these posts, you clearly have not looked up anything about the lifestyle, you seem to be working of the fantasy stories and videos that make up the majority of porn about BDSM which is very far from the reality, and you are just greatly offending those of us in the lifestyle.

If you feel the need to continue this, then message me, rather than staying in this thread.

I'll let my comments stand. If you reread them carefully, you'll see that I was speaking to the underlying motivations of people who have truly dominant or submissive personalities. If that does not apply to you, you have nothing to be pissed about. I was attempting to help one who is struggling to understand the trust issue. The line between use and abuse is set by the sub in a play acting relationship and that can be the one with the actual dominant personality.

This thread is about the trust between Dom/mes and subs, if your comments really weren't aimed at Dom/mes and subs, and I highly doubt they were not, then they aren't really relevant to this thread, and the wording of it has offended myself, and several others in the lifestyle.

I suppose the key to knowing whether my statement applies to you or to any other individual in the lifestyle is to ask yourself the question, "How strong will my cravings be if I do not get what I desire." That is where the parallel to addiction comes in. There is nothing more common than an addict in denial who defines addiction to exlude their own behavior. I'll stand by my statement that truly dominant personalities need to control. If that excludes you then it means that you don't have a truly dominant personality, but whether that is the case for you or many others in the lifestyle is dependant on your response when what you desire is taken from you. If your sub(s) go away, will you seek more? How much less fulfilling will your life be without them? Is it truly a take-it-or-leave-it thing for you or will the pressure steadily build until you either get another sub or become very unhappy? Only you know the answers to those questions, but I've met Doms and subs who will slowly self-destruct until they find what they crave, just like addicts. They weren't simply play acting, they were goal seeking.

As I said, I do not need to be in control, I enjoy it, but I don't require it. I would still be very happy if my sub was just my girlfriend. Those who truly NEED to be in control are abusive to their partners. they are not Dom/mes, all they care about is the control, a true Dom/me cares about their sub, they look after them.

I suggest you remove your posts here, and read up more on the lifestyle before you try to comment on it, and try listening to those who actually have experience in it.

Either way, it is evident you are not going to believe me, and I would rather not continue this, as you are just going to piss me off greatly.

It might help if you look at it differently. Most of the people I've met who have dominant personalities are almost like addicts. They need to control and are dependant on the people they control. Sometimes they resent that dependence and they overcontrol with tighter rules. The submissive people I've met are addicted to knowing their place, where they fit into the relationship, because having a place gives them a sense of worth and knowing their place, through the rules and tasks they are given, is how they know whether they agree with their Dom's opinion on their worth.

If you have neither need, you may be addicted to self-control and it may be hard to understand the other needs. That seems to be the case with you, Shylass. Your desire to command or obey seems low, but your desire to set and protect your position as an independant actor seems high.

You may want to reword that, as it is going to offend almost everyone who is in the lifestyle.Being a Domme myself, I have never felt I 'need' to have control over my sub, I enjoy being her Mistress, but I do not need to be. Nor has any Dom/me I have ever met, felt they 'need 'to control others.

Those who have Dom/sub relationships, it is a choice, it is something they both enjoy. It is certainly not a need, those who need to control others, tend to be abusive, and that is certainly not what the lifestyle is about. As for subs needing to be controlled, I don't know any sub who cannot function without someone to control them. There are some subs, who will feel lost or confused without their Dom/me, but (as far as I've seen) this is only the case for subs who are in a relationship and are used to having their Dom/me controlling them, subs who haven't got a Dom/me are typically just like anyone else is.

I think for many, it is simply that the Dom/mes would not want their subs cybering with other people, or that they may not want their sub giving out certain information about themselves. This is often because the Dom/me doesn't want this information given out for a certain reason, but (as catnip has said) it can also be because the sub also doesn't want to give it out, or to do certain things, but due to their submissive nature they can be persuaded (or more likely bullied) into it.

Knowing that it is a rule that they can not do these things helps them, as they can then give a reason as to why they can't do certain things, and that helps them stick to it.

If you have anymore questions feel free to message me or to post them in my BDSM 101 thread

what is the accepted protocol with alpha and beta subs? I am a Dom and have been for 2 years but i haven't considered the possibility of taking on more than one sub until recently when my current told me she is bicurious

I'm not entirely sure what you mean by alpha and beta subs? Are you meaning that one sub would be under the other ones control as well? I'd would think this would mean one would be a switch rather than a sub.

If they are both only under the Dom/mes control, I think the subs should be treated the same as each other, however, if it is agreed that one will also be under the control of the other sub, and everyone is ok with it, then I don't see any problems.

I must admit I agree with most of what latexia said, however, I don't want this thread to turn to arguments about the lifestyle. If people disagree with anything I or others have said, please message them privately.

Personally I have no desire to have more than one sub. But I have heard of some Dom/mes who have several subs, which I have to assume all their subs are ok with, and some subs who have several Dom/mes.

I believe, however, this is more common if the sub is wanting someone to have a scene with, rather than being collared to that Dom/me.

It would appear that you have a great deal of experience Mistress, could you please suggest a path for a complete newbie with flourishing desires?

I'll copy what I replied to this question on my own thread here,"I'm not sure I'm the best to offer advice here, I'll admit I was very lucky when I found my sub. There are several fetish sites that I know are used to chat with other people in the lifestyle and possible to meet them for real. More than that, all I can say is to be open and honest about who you are, it will probably scare some off but it's worth it in the end."