Prince Charming: Once upon a time, in a kingdom far, far away, the king and queen were blessed with a beautiful baby girl, and throughout the land everyone was happy, until the sun went down, and they saw that their daughter was cursed with a frightful enchantment that took hold each and every night. Desperate, they sought the help of a fairy godmother, who had them lock the young princess away in a tower, there to await the kiss of the handsome Prince Charming. It was he who would chance the perilous journey through blistering cold and scorching desert, traveling for many days and nights, risking life and limb to reach the dragon’s keep, for he was the bravest, and most handsome in all the land, and it was destiny that his kiss would break the dreaded curse. He alone would climb to the highest room of the tallest tower to enter the princess’s chambers, cross the room to her sleeping silhouette, pull back the gossamer curtains to find her- gasp! Wolf: What? Prince Charming: Princess… Fiona? Wolf: NO! Prince Charming: Oh, thank heavens! Where is she? Wolf: She’s on her honeymoon. Prince Charming: Honeymoon? With whom?

Shrek: The kingdom of FAR FAR Away, Donkey? That’s where we’re going! FAR! FAR!… away.
Puss-in-Boots: I hate Mondays.
[to Donkey, when Shrek, Donkey, and Puss are at a bar] The Ugly Stepsister: Why the long face?
Donkey: Oh, Shrek. Don’t worry. Things just seem bad because it’s dark and rainy and Fiona’s father hired a sleazy hitman to whack you.
Puss-in-Boots: Stop, ogre! I have misjudged you. Shrek: Join the club. We got jackets.
Donkey: I’m coming Elizabeth! [passes out]
Captain of the Guards: Yep, that’s catnip… Puss-in-Boots: Um… that’s… not mine…
[Donkey collapses in a dead faint] Puss-in-Boots: Hey, boss. Let’s shave him.
[after drinking a beauty potion] Donkey: I don’t *feel* any different. Do I look any different? Puss-in-Boots: You still look like an ass to me!
Shrek: Quick tell a lie! Pinocchio: What should I say? Donkey: Say something crazy… like you’re wearing ladies underwear. Pinocchio: Um, ok. I’m wearing ladies underwear. Pinocchio: [silence] Shrek: Are you? Pinocchio: I most certainly am not. Pinocchio: [nose extends] . Donkey: It looks like you most certainly am are. Pinocchio: I am not. Pinocchio: [nose extends] Puss-in-Boots: What Kind? Gingerbread Man: IT’S A THONG!
Pinocchio: I’m a real boy!
Gingerbread Man: It looks like we’re up chocolate creek without a Popsicle stick!
Shrek: So, Fiona’s father paid you to do this? Puss-in-Boots: Oh, the rich king? Sí.
[Puss is watching Shrek and Fiona] Puss-in-Boots: Whatever happens… I must not… cry.
Princess Fiona: Is that glitter on your lips? Prince Charming: Yes, cherry flavored. Want a taste?
Donkey: [to Puss-in-Boots] The position of annoying talking animal has been filled.
Donkey: You’re supposed to say “You have the right to remain silent!”. No one said I have the right to remain silent! Shrek: Donkey, you HAVE the right to remain silent. What you lack, is the capacity.
[convincing Donkey to let Puss come with them] Shrek: How many cats can wear boots? Honestly?…
Fairy Godmother: I don’t care whose fault this was, just get it sorted! And could someone please bring me something deep fat fried and smothered in chocolate…
Queen: So, you live in a swamp? That sounds like a fine place to raise the children. Shrek: It’s a little early to be thinking about that, isn’t it? King: Indeed! I had just started eating.
Puss-in-Boots: Pray for mercy from Puss… in boots.
Donkey: Pray for mercy, from Puss! Puss-in-Boots: And Donkey!
Donkey: [as he stands on an elevating stage with a mic] Puss and Donkey y’all.
Puss-in-Boots: Hey! Isn’t we supposed to be having a fiesta?
Donkey: [as he stands on an elevated stage with a mike] Puss and Donkey, y’all.
King: So I suppose any grandchildren I could expect from you would be… Shrek: Ogres! Yes! Queen: Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Right, Harold? King: Oh, no, no. Of course not! That’s assuming you don’t eat your own young. Princess Fiona: Dad! Shrek: Oh, no, we usually prefer the ones who have been locked away in the tower. Princess Fiona: Shrek, please! King: I only did that because I love her! Shrek: Oh, yeah! Daycare or dragon-guarded castle!
Gingerbread Man: Fire up the ovens, Muffin Man! We got a big order to fill.
Puss-in-Boots: Ah-ha-ha!… [cough – hack – cough] Puss-in-Boots: He he… Hairball. Donkey: Oh, that is nasty!
Puss-in-Boots: I must hold on before I too go mad. Pinocchio: Shrek? Donkey? Puss-in-Boots: Too late.
Donkey: Then this fool went off and had a party, and they all starting trying to pin a tail on me. Then they all got drunk, and started hitting me with sticks, yelling “Piñata! Piñata!” What the hell is a piñata, anyway?
Donkey: I mean, how good looking could this Prince Charming guy be anyway? The Ugly Stepsister: Are you kiddin’? He’s gorgeous! His face looks like it was carved by angels. Puss-in-Boots: Hmmm… he sounds dreamy.
Mongo: [drowning] Be good.
Shrek: [about the trumpeters and messenger who gave Shrek and Fiona the invitation] How do you explain Sgt. Pompous and the Fancy Pants Club Band?
Cedric: Can I help you, your majesty? King: Ah, yes, um… Mmm, exquisite. What do you call this dish? Cedric: That would be the dog’s breakfast, your majesty. King: Ah, yes! Very good, uh… Carry on, Cedric.
Gingerbread Man: IT’S ALIVE!
Shrek: Aww, look at him, in his wee lil’ boots!
[after discovering Shrek must kiss his true love for his transformation to be permanent] Girl #1: I can be your true love! Girl #2: I can be your true love! Girl #3: I can be true… enough!
[Shrek has grabbed Puss-in-boots] Donkey: Let’s neuter him right now! Give him the Bob Barker treatment!
Shrek: Oh, look! A little cat. [Puss-in-boots brandishes his sword] Donkey: Look out, Shrek, he got a piece!
[Shrek is depressed because Fiona’s father wants to kill him] Donkey: Oh, don’t feel bad, Shrek. Almost everybody who meets you wants to kill you.
[Shrek steals two noblemen’s clothes] Shrek: Thank you, gentlemen. Someday I will repay you, unless of course I can’t find you, or if I forget.
[hanging from Fairy Godmother’s feet and looking up] Pig: I see London, I see France…
Puss-in-Boots: Fear me, if you dare.
Donkey: [to Puss] If we ever need an expert on licking ourselves, we’ll give you a call.
[to handsome Shrek] Girl #1: You look tense. Do you need me to rub your shoulders? Girl #2: I wanna rub his shoulders! Girl #3: Now I don’t have anything to rub!
Puss-in-Boots: Sorry. I thought that question was directed at me.
[after Shrek, Donkey and Puss stumble upon a factory with multi-colored smokestacks] Donkey: It’s the old Keebler place!
Queen: Oh, stop being such a drama king!
[upon arriving at Far Far Away] Shrek: We are definitly not in the swamp anymore.
Shrek: [to Donkey] For five minutes, can you not be yourself?
Chef: Bon appétit! Donkey: Oh, Mexican food! My favorite.
Shrek: Do you still know the Muffin Man?
[Shrek, Fiona, Fiona’s Mum and Dad and Donkey are arguing at the table] Queen: Harold! Princess Fiona: Shrek! Shrek: Fiona… King: Fiona! Princess Fiona: Mum! Queen: Harold! Donkey: [happily] Donkey!
Puss-in-Boots: [to Shrek] I too was concocting this very same plan, already our minds are becoming one!
Donkey: [repeatedly] Are we there yet?
Fairy Godmother: Harold, you have forced me to do something I really don’t want to do. King: What… Where are we? Fast Food Clerk: Well, hi there! Welcome to Medieval Friar. May I take your order? Fairy Godmother: My diet is ruined. I hope you’re happy!
Shrek: Hi. I’m here to see… Receptionist: The Fairy Godmother? I’m sorry, she’s not here right now. Fairy Godmother: [on intercom] Jerome! Coffee and a Monte Cristo! Now!
Donkey: Shrek and I drank this potion and now… we’re sexy!
Shrek: Working hard? Or hardly working?
Donkey: [running ahead of giant gingerbread man] Run, run as fast as you can!
Donkey: [after turning back into a donkey] Aaaaaaw. Shrek: You still look like a noble steed to me.
Puss-in-Boots: [trying to convince Shrek not to neuter him] Please, no, por favor, por favor, please no, I implore you. I was doing it for my family! My mother she’s sick and my father he lives off the garbage. The king offered me much money and I have a little brother…
Donkey: I’m a stallion, baby!
Donkey: [carriage runs over Donkey] Oh, God! help me, please! My racing days are over! I’m blind! I’m blind! Tell the truth. Will I ever be able to play the violin again?
Donkey: [final line during the extra part in the credits] I’m going to have to get a job.
Fairy Godmother: Your fallen tears have called to me, so here comes my sweet remedy. I know what every princess needs for her to live life happily. With… just a wave of my magic wand your troubles will soon be gone. With a flick of the wrist in just a flash, you land a prince with a ton of cash, A high priced dress made by mice no less! Some crystal glass pumps and almost dressed! Worries will vanish your soul will cleanse Confide in your very own furniture friends We’ll help you set a new fashion trend! I’ll make you fancy, I’ll make you great! The kind of gal a prince would date They’ll write your name on the bathroom wall MALE VOICE: For happy ever after- give Fiona a call! A sporty carriage to ride in style. A sexy man-boy chauffer Kyle. Vanish your blemishes, tooth decay… celulite thighs will fade away A hool and a hey! Have a Bichon Frise And oh, what the hey… have a Bichon Frise! Nip and tuck here and there, to land that prince with the perfect hair. Lipstick liners, shadow blush! to get that prince with a sexy tush. Lucky day, hunk buffet For the lipstick a roll in the hay You can spoon on the moon with the prince to this tune Don’t be drab, you’ll be fab Your prince will have rock-hard abs Cheese souflee Valentine’s Day? Have some chicken fricassee – chorus
Donkey: I don’t wanna die…! I don’t wanna DIE! Oh sweet sister mother of mercy… I’m melting…! I’m MEEELTIIING! Shrek: It’s just the rain, Donkey.
Puss-in-Boots: Today, I repay my debt… [soldiers surround Puss as he slowly draws his weapon] Puss-in-Boots: En garde!
Shrek: I’ll kill that cat!
Fairy Godmother: Remember, happiness is just a teardrop away…
Donkey: Real smooth, Shrek. “I’m an ogre!” [imitates Shrek growling]
Donkey: It’s gonna be champagne wishes and caviar dreams from now on.
Donkey: You got a puppy? All I got in my room was shampoo.
Gingerbread Man: I hate these ball shows. They bore me to tears! Flip over to Wheel of Torture. Pinocchio: I’m not flipping anywhere, Sir, until I see Shrek and Fiona.