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10/21/15

Capture Your Grief, Day 20: Forgiveness and Humanity

October 2015 | Home | Longview, Texas

Day 20: Forgiveness and Humanity

Over the last year I've had to forgive myself many times, and frequently at that. The first thing this topic pulls from my heart is the anger I harbored and often still feel welling up towards myself and my own body. When the business of the day stops and I've already kissed my husband goodnight, the silence of the evening welcomes my inner dialogue to take center stage and on some days overpower me. I was made for this, why can't I do this? Having children is biologically built into my bodies capabilities, what's wrong with me? Why does my body keep rejecting the life that is trying to take hold inside of me? Why is this happening? It's my fault. In the darkest hours of the night my biggest fears begin to convince me that I am in some way in control of this journey. This itself though, is what I know to be untrue. Taking hold and grasping the fact that I am small has helped me forgive my own body for it's betrayal to my heart and dreams. It's helped me accept the fact that regardless of how healthy I am or how perfectly put together my inner parts are, aside from God's command, creation waits. I believe that God is sovereign, and according to that belief I know that there is not a single molecule in this universe that is out of place and in turn I have to continually tell myself, this is not about me. It's so easy to think back over and over and wonder if I could have done something differently, down to the tiniest of details. I wonder if I'm a bad mother, if I'll ever get the chance again to prove to myself I'm not. It's so easy. But in the same way that I've had to continually release my expectations and trust that God is in control of every molecule, every cell... I've had to learn to forgive myself and my own humanity through it all. Forgiving yourself can be so hard, because if you're anything like me you're your own worst critic. But I've learned it's so necessary for healing and is the only way to take the blinders off that keep you looking at yourself. It's not about us, it's not about the circumstance, it's about Him and what he's trying to teach us through it all.