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Accuray Her "leaving" is at worst an ill conceived escape plan, at best a trick to get her way.

If she truly wanted to leave she would have done so already. Instead she values the comfort and FRIENDSHIP you provide. So she is back, but she is back on her terms.

She then says that her actions make you unhappy, and that makes her unhappy. So does she change her actions? No, she expects you to start being happy with them, so she can be happy too. Happy wives don't leave right?

I think your counselor is spot on, under the current circumstances she has no incentive to change. Furthermore she knows you will put up with a lot to keep her, so, she plays the leaving card to get you to back off.

When we live together and have 3 kids, what does "let her go" look like?

My wife certainly has the capacity to remove the happiness that I'm able to attain, if I believe that my behavior is hurting her.

It's that removal of happiness that has been the issue, versus needing her to make me happy. That said, MC says that we are of course responsible for each others happiness to some degree in a marriage -- to suggest otherwise is a good philosophy but doesn't hold up in practice.

When we live together and have 3 kids, what does "let her go" look like?

I am not in YOUR house so it is difficult for me to say, however I know that it can be done successfully and marriages can be restored.

Originally Posted By: Accuray

My wife certainly has the capacity to remove the happiness that I'm able to attain, if I believe that my behavior is hurting her.

Maybe it is walking away from these sichs and not letting her have the CONTROL to take away YOUR happiness.Living together during this time is not easy, I am very aware of this.I would say that DB'ing is esssential.You have the tools it is a question of using them and patience.EXTREME patience.

When I give her more space, she gets upset. I actually went for several weeks of not having sex or being physical beyond hugging -- I actually felt quite good during that period, while my W got increasingly upset about it. In the end she got really upset and said I was depriving her of the opportunity to make me happy.

When I give space, she thinks something is wrong and gets very anxious. I'm ready to give space, I've had thoughts of moving out lately.

On the other hand, I second guess myself. It's not like she's not trying at all -- she's not cold or unpleasant, she's just not engaged to the degree that I am and that bothers me.

I appreciate your help Cadet, my sitch is difficult but I realize could be much worse. When I give space she feels like I'm punishing her -- even if I'm happy and upbeat while doing so.

A lot of DB applies when you have a WAS -- I think the rules for piecing are different and there is no book for that. A sequel is called for.

When I give her more space, she gets upset. I actually went for several weeks of not having sex or being physical beyond hugging -- I actually felt quite good during that period, while my W got increasingly upset about it. In the end she got really upset and said I was depriving her of the opportunity to make me happy.

Of course she gets upset because she then has lost CONTROL of YOU.So her reaction is childish. Again I will refer you to the MLC resources and the pursuit and distance article.You will continue to CYCLE in this manner until something breaks this.

Her reaction also tells me that she is depressed and a control person. You on the other hand are the opposite of her and let her control YOU.

Not really sure you are peicing at this point in time since she is not all in on that.

She will more than likely not recommit to your marriage at this point because she is still in crisis.She does not want to lose CONTROL.

So my question is why? for both you and her?Just think about that no words to her will help.

I read the MLC resources you posted -- thanks for that. There is no ebook version of "The Solo Partner" so I ordered "The Passion Trap" which is supposed to have the same theme, but to be more gender neutral.

I started pulling back when I got home last night. I've already gotten 2 "is everything alright?" and one "is something wrong?" so far this morning, and it's only been 5 hours. So far I've just been deflecting those by talking about trivial stuff I'm working on / thinking about.

Originally Posted By: Cadet

She will more than likely not recommit to your marriage at this point because she is still in crisis.She does not want to lose CONTROL.

She never really sought to control me, at one point she just wanted me gone.

Originally Posted By: Cadet

So my question is why? for both you and her?Just think about that no words to her will help

You lost me there -- I don't know what the question is in reference too, and I don't understand your last sentence.

Found another MLC resource on a separate MLC web forum. W definitely doesn't have what they are characterizing as "monster" behavior. I think I'm going to have to tread carefully here -- if I detach and "let her go" and she really is in piecing and not in crisis, then that could be a very bad move.

Some of what Cadet and these resources say seem to apply, but some do not. I'll see what the MC says tomorrow night and take is slow. I'll continue running the MAP, and will read these books cover to cover before I conclude anything.

I may have painted an inaccurate picture of W, or you guys are comparing her to someone you know and filling in the gaps inappropriately. She's not pulling away, she's not mean or controlling, she's not asking me to do anything, and she's willing to engage and seems to enjoy connecting. It's a matter of degree.

This could have as much to do with me healing from infidelity as W going through a continued MLC. If it's the former, and I try to treat the latter, that's not going to go well.