I ate cookies and coffee for breakfast. I've told myself Sunday is the deadline for this all you can eat pity crapfest if I want to drop 15 pounds before even thinking about getting pregnant again.

Last night at the movies we were in one of the Fork and Dine theaters so the server would occasionally come up and down the aisles to bring food and drinks. He would literally speed race up and down the stairs and I kept thinking how funny it would be if he fell. That probably makes me a bad person, but I'm sorry, people falling is funny. As long as they don't get hurt of course, I'm not totally heartless.

Last week we went to a cookout with some friends and I said I would bring some sides. I had all these grand intentions of making some elaborate new recipes off pinterest. Instead I bought a can of baked beans and boxed pasta salad.

I had a patient yesterday who's well into her third year of life and still breastfeeding several times a day. I think that's weird.

The other night I let Jamie eat a peanut butter sandwich and M&Ms for dinner. It was a Monday. The husband was working late. Enough said.

Yesterday afternoon we had a staff meeting and a lunch order was passed around. I just assumed it would be paid for like it had been in the past so when they said to make sure to bring cash I was surprised. I honestly wanted to just say never mind and cancel my order, but didn't want to look like a total cheapskate. But I am cheap. And would have been just as happy eating a lunch I brought from home I'd already paid for.

I think any way of eating that gets its own name is a fad diet. Hello Paleo, I'm looking at you.

I've tried countless home made, from scratch, macaroni and cheese recipes but really think the good ole blue box from Kraft is the best. Even better leftover the next day. I know. I'm weird.

The husband and I watched an entire season of Scandal in one week. That's dedication right there.

Between the miscarriage and Jamie's surgery I haven't had a full nights sleep in weeks. I'm exhausted. Not to mention I either have bad allergies or a cold. The bags under my eyes need their own zipcode. If I could check myself into the Betty Ford Clinic for a week I would. Though a week on a beach sounds nice too.

I still lurk on the May 2014 mommy board. That's probably not helping the bitter/angry phase I'm in. At least I got rid of the "Only Child Expiring" shirt for Jamie. Baby steps.

I thought I was going to make it through an entire episode of Parenthood without crying. And then Ryan proposed. Damn you Parenthood. Every.single.time.

Confessions. They're good for the soul.
Happy Friday! It's nice to see you, you sexy son of a bitch!

Just 36 hours after losing one baby, I was checking my first baby in to Children's Hospital to have his tonsils and adenoids removed.

The surgery had been scheduled for weeks, yet the timing couldn't have been worse on my mama heart. Though I will admit it did offer the perfect distraction from everything else. It kind of let me push pause on all those pregnancy loss emotions and put them on the back burner. And there they've stayed. Friday a Big Brother shirt I had ordered for Jamie arrived. A shirt I'd toiled over for days to make sure it was just right. A shirt reading "Only Child: Expiring May 2014." When I got the mail and saw the package I knew exactly what it was. I took a deep breath, opened the envelope and prepared myself, but as I looked at that shirt I felt nothing. I didn't shed a tear, I barely batted an eye. I just put the shirt somewhere I wouldn't have to deal with it for awhile. Kind of like I did with my feelings. Not sure when they're going to boil over. I know I can't leave them shoved back there forever, but for the time being it's working for me. And if it's not broke. Don't fix it.

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

I had fully intended on a cutesy announcement post for today, but baby had other plans so I had to go with plan B. Thank you for all your prayers and kind words in regards to yesterdays post.

The bleeding continues, but the doctors aren't entirely sure why.

And of course they'd prefer I NOT be bleeding (ummm, me too!), but for now it's my "normal."

So now we just wait and see.

A crystal ball sure would be nice!

I know a lot of women find it taboo to announce so early, especially when they've had as rocky as a start as I have, but so many of you have supported me through my highest of highs and my lowest of lows, so when things started going south this was one of the first places I wanted to turn.

Despite the cobwebs around here lately, I do still love to write, it's very therapeutic for me to just put it all out on paper. And this is part of my story, whether I like it or not, and I wanted to share it.

Because today I'm pregnant.

I'm not sure if I'll be able to say that tomorrow. Or next week.

I'm not sure if this pregnancy is going to end with a healthy baby or heartbreak.

But today, for the second time this week, we saw a healthy baby with a strong heartbeat.

And for that I'm grateful.

Though after some spotting over the weekend and now the bleeding, I'm not sure how many more scares I can take.

I'm starting to feel myself view this pregnancy with a bit of a guarded heart.

Afraid to get too attached for fear that it will be ripped away from me.

The innocence of those early days where I would picture us as a family of four are now long gone.

I hate that I now have so much fear and doubt. I hate that I've lost faith in our little peanut who's proven themselves time and time again to be quite the fighter.

Tuesday, September 17, 2013

When I imagined announcing my second pregnancy, I pictured it to be all rainbows and butterflies.
Happiness.
Excitement.
Congrats and best wishes all around.
A little boy, with a Big Brother book.
Instead, within an hour of sharing our news with the Instagram world, my world came crashing down.
36 hours after seeing our baby bouncing around, hearing a heartbeat, putting my mind at ease, I saw what no pregnant woman wants to see.
Bright red.
I immediately called to my husband that something was wrong.
I needed to call someone.
The on-call doctor did not seem overly concerned.
He tried to assure me that bleeding in early pregnancy can be "normal."
That we saw a strong heartbeat just the day before and that's a great sign
I'm trying to put my faith in that.
But I can't shake this bad vibe that something is not right.
I can't shake my gut feeling that there's nothing normal about this.
For now I feel like I'm in limbo until I can get more answers tomorrow.
Praying that everything is just fine.
Hoping my mama's intuition is wrong.

I don't know about you, but The Little Mermaid is one of my all time favorite Disney Movies.

I can pretty much still sing every line of every song.

Thankfully for all of you, this isn't a vlog, so I'll spare you my horrible off key rendition of "Part of Your World"

Consider yourselves lucky.

What I can offer instead is the chance to win your very own Diamond Edition 2-Disc Blu-ray+DVD Combo Pack with Digital Copy.

﻿

All you have to do to get the chance to have this Disney classic in your home is leave a comment with your favorite Little Mermaid song. That's it. Easy enough right? A winner will be chosen at random and announced on Tuesday, Sept 24. Good luck!

I received a copy of the movie in exchange for this post. All opinions are my own. Contest only open to U.S. and Canada residents, ages 18+ who are followers of The Juice is Worth the Squeeze.

I keep seeing fall outfit inspiration boards with white jeans. I know the labor day rule is a thing of the past, but I can't do it. Every time I see them paired with boots and my other personal favorite, the "indoor" useless scarf I get twitchy.

Last night I killed a half a pint of Ben and Jerry's by myself. In the moment it was glorious. At 3AM when I woke up with heartburn and indigestion I regretted that choice. Perhaps I'll think twice before I do that again. Probably not.

When pregnant with Jamie all I ever heard was how hard it was to shop for boys clothes. Has anyone looked for boy stuff lately? Sure it may be slightly less abundant in choices, but at least it's all pretty adorable. I wandered into the girl section just to see what all the fuss was about and was lost in a sea of pink, tutus and glitter. Yikes. It was awful. I'll stick to my side for now thank you very much.

Speaking of kids clothes. I kinda sorta hate when parents dress their kids in the same outfits. I don't care if they're 2 minutes apart or 2 years apart. If it's everyday or for a family photos. No body needs to where matching clothes. Ever.

I don't like Justin Timberlake's new album. There. I said it. The Suit and Tie song took months to grow on me and now I will listen to it, but all the other ones? Yeah no. They warrant an immediate station change. Sorry JT. I understand if this means we can't be friends now.

All summer long I kept seeing people post pictures of Summer Shandy. That lemonade beer drink. So I thought I would try it. Gross. It's what I imagine drinking lemon Lysol would taste like.

I have $30 of Old Navy Super Cash burning a hole in my pocket. I don't need anything. Jamie doesn't need anything. But I certainly can't let it go to waste now can I?

I have a bad habit of telling my husband I don't care if he does xyz when really I do. So when he chooses not to do it, you know, because I told him I didn't care, I probably can't get mad about can I. We all know that's not the case. No wonder men think women are crazy.

So I know this week I wrote a post about never seeing my child and the awful mom guilt. And all that's very true. Well this morning I have an appointment to go to, so even on my day off I have to take Jamie to daycare for a few hours. And I don't really feel bad about it.

Wednesday, September 11, 2013

This morning I left the house around 6:45 am.
The husband was asleep.
The boy was asleep.
The dog was asleep.
Hell, the sun was barely peeking it's head over the horizon.
I hopped into my car, breakfast in hand, and began my drive to work.
You see with my new job, came a new commute. A 45 minute commute to be exact.
So that means by the time I get off work, I'm walking in the door around 6-6:15 pm.
That's almost half my day.
I've been managing pretty well. It helps that I love my new job, it's basically my dream job. And the husband? Well he's been amazing and has picked up the slack big time now doing drop off and pick up at daycare and getting dinner started.
The first three weeks back into the swing of things, everything was going great.
But today? Today I cracked.
As I got into my car at 5:30 pm and began my drive home my mind started to race. I hate not being able to get Jamie up and dressed in the morning. I miss picking him up from school and our hour of so just us, hanging out, winding down and getting dinner started. Now I walk in the door, help finish cooking dinner, we sit down to eat around 7 and by the time we finish it's almost time to get ready for bed. I'm feeling some serious mom guilt.
Sure these long days during the week now mean I get Friday's off. Oh how I love having my 3 day weekends back. Plus it means an entire day just Jamie and me, but I'm not sure it makes up for the fact that Monday through Thursday, I basically seem him a combined 8 hours total. In four days.
I know it's all still pretty new, so I'm still giving myself time to adjust, but right now my mama heart hurts as we all get used to our new normal.

Monday, September 9, 2013

A few weeks ago as I walked into our supermarket I saw a large display of Mums sitting outside.

Mums?
Already?
Those are fall flowers....
Surely it's not time for mums yet. Didn't we just celebrate the 4th of July??
And just like that my life seemed to be flooded with signs that fall was coming.
Kids started heading back to school.
Pools started closing one by one.
My instagram feed was overloaded with pictures of Pumpkin Spice Lattes. (gross, BTW. How do you people drink that swill??)
Fall décor slowly started pushing out the BBQ grills and patio furniture at Target.
Halloween costume catalogs are showing up in my inbox.
College football started taking over our Saturdays.
Usually by now I'm begging for some relief from the summer heat, but for the first time I'm not ready.
I'm not ready to trade in my shorts and flipflops for sweaters and boots.
I'm not ready to pull out the pumpkins and fall leaves.
I'm certainly not ready to give up my lazy weekends at the lake.
Or trade in our Saturday nights sitting by the fire, roasting mallows.
If only I could just hit pause and keep summer forever.