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New tunnel for Cork

Flushed with the success of the Dublin Port Tunnel, the Irish Government has announced plans for an undersea link with France.

Following on the announcement that Ireland would switch to driving on the right later this year, it has been decided that this was the next logical step in the integration of our road network with the rest of Europe.

“We have the equipment now, and the expertise” said a Government Spokesman, “We might as well use it”

Route of tunnel

The tunnel will extend from Cork to the Brest Peninsula and will be a total of 470 Km long. It is proposed to build a service station on the Scilly Isles at the half way point. To facilitate this, it has been agreed that Ireland will take sovereignty of the Isles in return for handing Donegal over to the Six Counties [or the Seven Counties as they will be known]. This will have the added advantage of removing Daniel O’Donnell.

Asked why the tunnel wasn’t being constructed between Dublin and Anglesea, which is a distance of only 80Km, a Government Spokesman said that there wasn’t that much difference in length.

“Anyway” he continued “The Brits steadfastly refuse to relinquish Sterling and have no intention of switching their driving sides, so they are not really part of Europe. They are more American than European”

When asked about travellers who wished to go from Dublin to Anglesea, he stated

“It is only a minor detour. They can drive to France via the new tunnel, get the train through the Channel Tunnel and drive straight up to Wales.

It’s only a round trip of about 1,880Km” he added. “And with the state of modern roads, 1,800Km extra is nothing. Sure I could do that in an hour or two”

The tunnel will consist of two single lane roads, each in its own separate bore. In line with Port Tunnel policy, it will be insufficiently high to take lorries.

Some vehicles may be too high

Asked what would happen in the event of a vehicle breakdown or a slow driver, the spokesman stated that the momentum of the traffic behind the obstruction would carry it through to the far end.

“It’ll be like shit flowing through a sewer” he added.

Travellers will be asked to avoid food or drink for a period of ten hours prior to making their journey.

“We can’t afford the luxury of someone stopping for a quick dump or a pee” said the spokesman.

It is estimated that journey time will be reduced from the current 18 hours to 5 hours.

“And it’ll be one in the eye for those b*st*rds in Irish Ferries” muttered the spokesman.

No. For a start, it would make the map a bit messy, and they would then have to have borders at each end of the country [we’d be like a sandwich]. And anyway, the tunnel is going from Cork, so we can’t give that away.

Do you think there is a chance for me to open a McDonald’s at the Scilly stop? You could pull in there for burgers and fries ( No need for a rest room due to the 10 hour restriction on eating or drinking.)

Let me know so I can load up my Hummer Limo with food and get started.

Oh God! The Americans are at it again – they see a bit of land and they want to open a McDonalds on it straight away.
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No Nancy. Go away. We can’t have drivers all collapsing from heart attacks in the tunnel. It wouldn’t be good for business.

Sorry Dario – I missed your comment.
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No. There is no need for an Immigrant Camp on the French side. They’ll come anyway, as we don’t seem to have any restrictions like the English.
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And if any manage to walk 470Km through a dark tube full of cars driving at 120Kmph, then they are more than welcome. We need people with that level of fitness, bravery and stupidity.