But what happens in Litchfield doesn't always stay in Litchfield. We saw how things left with Piper and Larry, and this week, we learn the fate of Morello and the oft-talked about Christopher. It turns out, he's not as dedicated to their future together as she is. Her sister calls with the news: He's engaged. The wedding is being planned and she's not the bride. She's been clinging to the idea of her wedding to get her through her sentence and, well, you know what happens when you lose the grip on your life raft.

So, as I see it, there are three options for Morello at this point:

1. Write Christopher letters, call him and generally harass the hell out of him from prison until he offers up some answers of his own.

2. Accept that he's moved on and try to do the same. Nicky might still be available between her other hookups.

3. Abuse the privileges of her prison job driving the van, drive to Christopher's house and break in. Then proceed to rifle through the wedding planning materials he and his fin ace have left around and try on her veil like a complete and total creeper. Take a bubble bath while wearing said veil.

Let's go over the options here. Through flashback, we learn that Morello was committing mail fraud when she met Christopher in a total meet cute at the post office. He asks her out. It's adorable. So far, so good.

Then, in another flashback, we learn that that date was the one and only. She proceeded to stalk him, threaten his next girlfriend and even planted a homemade explosive device on the woman's car. WHAT? That's what sweet little Morello is in for?

But, pause: Back to those options.

1. Isn't happening since Christopher testified that in his attempts to shake her stalking, he changed his number, email address and moved at least two times. Something tells me he doesn't see the need to offer up any explanations for his happy engagement.

2. Since she's a first class stalker, this doesn't seem likely ANY time soon.

3. If you guessed door number three, you're correct. It makes you see Morello in a whole new, absolutely bonkers light.

Thankfully, she makes it back to work in time (she can't get transferred away until we learn more about this dramatic backstory).

And as for the other ex on the outside? You know, the one who was really engaged to one of our ladies. Larry got hit on in a big way by a pediatrician he couldn't stand and then proceeded to spend way too much time with Piper's BFF Polly. This is going to be boring, but it might put Larry and Piper back on equal footing. So, hurray for anyone shipping that.