Anyway, I’m not a fan of ‘Psych’ by any means (my WWE original series watching is determined by how many of your lead actors are hot mom-ish ladies in their early 40s) and his announcing voice made me turn down my television, but James Roday did something I love to see on pro graps TV: he had fun. “Scheduled for exactly one fall” was also pretty funny, and now I want a match to be scheduled for 1.2 fall.

So when is Callie Thorne gonna host Raw? Follow-up question, and it’s a two-parter … how do I get tickets to that Raw, and I am going to have sex with Callie Thorne.

Best: Chris Jericho’s Been Watching His ROH Tapes

I’ve read a lot of negative feedback online for Jericho breaking out “your father was an alcoholic” and effectively using alcoholism and addiction as impetus for a wrestling angle, and while I admit that alcoholism never plays well on big leagues TV (Scott Hall vomiting everywhere, Legionary of Doom Hawk falling off the TitanTron with hilarious suicide shadow), this is different, and it’s gonna work.

Two big things about CM Punk:

1. He’s better on the microphone than most people, so when he’s in a feud with a guy like Alberto Del Rio he sorta verbally overshadows them, and it seems less like a personal wrestling issue and more like a guy making wanking motions at nothing in particular. If you’re cooler and smarter than everyone you face, why do I want to pay to see you face anybody?

2. CM Punk works best when drugs and alcohol are involved. They’re his thing. They’re what made him stand out on the independent circuit, and what made him stand out in that post Chris Benoit thing where the popular stars needed to not necessarily have crazy drug brains. All of his best material (except for “Summer Of Punk”) involve him either deriding alcohol or being threatened with it.

So this is going to a good place. A guy who can hang with (or even overshadow) Punk on the mic gets him into an angle where he’s forced to be three dimensional and vulnerable, we get a great match or matches out of it, and at the end a bunch of WWE Universe kids get the “drugs and alcohol are bad” message, but this time they can cheer for it. That’s the thing … this isn’t huge babyface The Rock telling Punk he should go drink, it’s sh*thead asshole Chris Jericho. Jericho is clearly, clearly wrong and it’s Punk’s job to overcome. Easy, purposeful storytelling.

Worst: What Happens When Punk Runs Out Of Material?

My only problem is that we’re once again going to the “Stuff CM Punk Did Before He Got Here” well. We did the Straight Edge Society, we did the Summer of Punk, we did Punk on commentary and now we’re doing the Raven feud. Jericho already had a feud involving Ricky Steamboat, so after this, what’s left? Having The Miz try to scrape off Punk’s straight edge tattoo with a cheese grater?

Worst: Stop Showing These Matches, I Want To See The Commercials

Again, Jack Swagger and Randy Orton put on a pretty good TV wrestling match and I could barely care, through some combination of burnout and having eight minutes of the middle ripped out by commercial breaks. After the Otunga stories and the Man Vs. Food jagoff getting tapped, my first goal as Head Of Creative is to make the wrestling show look like a professional promotion putting on a wrestling show. Does UFC go to commercial in the middle of the f**king fights?

Swagger needed a good showing after losing to Santino last week, but Orton isn’t the guy to give it to him. Orton’s got a weird thing where he puts on good matches, but they’re always hurt by the fact that you can’t imagine Orton losing. He’s just going to win, no matter what happens. Outside of running into a World’s Strongest Slam once, I don’t think I’ve seen him get pinned by anything that wasn’t a “WHOOPS, SURPRISE MUSIC” roll-up or foreign object related.

Best: Kane Is The F**king Worst At Mind Games

I thought “make John Cena embrace hate so he can beat the Rock at Wrestlemania by getting him into a weird love triangle with his less popular friend and a girl they know” plan was bad, but Kane’s plan to get Randy Orton is even worse. Beat up some unassociated tag team guys, attack Orton once and then play your fire music to keep him from celebrating thoroughly. Is that it?

They should’ve jumped backstage to Kane at the catering table with like half a hoagie in his mouth, looking off to the side and saying “wait, was that my fire music” with his mouth full. And then a few minutes later we see him roll up to the production guy and be all “what the f**k, Jeff” and Jeff is all “sorry Kane, Orton was about to leave, I thought you were gonna run out and attack him”. And Kane just throws his hands up, barks “GOD Jeff, you never understand my plans” and storms away.

Rock Concert < Cena Rap < With Leather Daddies Rap
Funkasaurus sighting: Es la respuesta de mis oraciones! It IS!
And just to set the record straight, me & THESTINGER are not the same person, he's an orange human and I am clearly a black Mexican cat wearing a tie…or AM I !?

My friends and I used to go to OVW every week when it was connected to WWE, and I know it’s subjective, but Poorly Rapping Thug Cena is a waaay better character than Prototype. However, Prototype was a better wrestler.

Wellll, what Michaels was saying could be construed as ironic from a certain point of view. The “irony” that he gets one more shot to end the streak and won’t even be facing Taker in a match, but is also the man who Taker feels “just can’t get the job done”..no? Well I dunno, Alanis Morrisette thought coming across a spoon in her cutlery drawer when she just wanted a knife was ironic so go figure.

You obviously haven’t been to the Q recently, Brandon. They have Quaker Steak & Lube and a mini-B Spot now. (B Spot being a restaurant founded by Michael Symon of “Iron Chef” fame, for those of you not from Cleveland.)

Of course, you don’t eat meat, so neither of these are very appealing to you. But they’re both pretty damn good for arena food, I’ll tell you that much.

Regarding the booing of Vickie Guerrero over daylight savings—I was actually in attendance last night, and none of us had any fucking clue what she even said after “EXCUSE ME.” The entire building just turned on her the second they heard her voice, and I doubt that no more than 10-15% of the crowd even heard her DST remark. (I didn’t until I watched my DVR this morning.)

A) I just want you to know someone reading your column gets and appreciates the Excel Saga jokes.
B) And on that note, I think you could make a plausible argument that Santino = Menchi. Adorable comic relief kept around by the stars whenever they need something to eat/beat the shit out of? It’s perfectly logical.

Why did Brodus drop the mid-match call outs? “Should I get him?” and “My bad!” were my favorite things about his character. Why don’t more WWE wrestlers yell things out in general? Does Chris Jericho hold the trademark?

I am SO bored by the Rock. And all this hating women and lady parts and all that pisses me off. Maybe because I’m 6 month pregnant and think my lady parts are AWESOME but it’s just not cool. Speaking of my baby, loved what you said about you and your dad. My little girl is marinating in so much wrestling that hopefully she’ll like it when she comes out.

I know why you didn’t like the Rock segment, but the comparison to RAAAAAAAANDY from Funny People is somewhat misrepresented, as Randy actually had some funny jokes, they were just all about getting laid. Also, I’m a bit partial because I know Aziz and my brother directed the FunnyorDie bits for the character.

Page 7 made me laugh and laugh and then Page 8 summed up my feelings about the whole segment. Great job, Brandon.

I honestly think the best way to summarise the Rock is that if Santino had done that segment, it would have made more contextual sense and been better and funnier. This is how low Dwayne has sunk. He never actually attempts to communicate on any sort of deep level( even relative to depth of WWE promos). It’s just sad to watch.
I legitimately want Cena to Attitudinal Adjust him and send him back to doing Journey 3: Any Way you want It so that he doesn’t ruin my mental image I had of him any further.

Objective truth: if you are still on the side of The Rock, please note how John Cena has the ability to memorize and successfully recite his shitty lyrics. The Rock is confronted with some obviously pre-written parody lyrics to like four lines of a Queen song, and he stammers like a group of five drunk girls who put in “Wannabe” at the karaoke booth after their sixth round. You know why? Because he didn’t practice. You know why? Because he doesn’t give a shit. You know why? Because he actually doesn’t give two shits about lame-ass wrestling fans. He hates you. Yes, you – The Rock fan reading this. Stop liking him.

Also, the Rock thing. I thought it was mildly amusing, certainly not awful. And I’m not A) Someone who just laughs at funny words or B) Laughing because I’m a bit Rock mark and I’m supposed to. Nothing you say about it is untrue, and yet it can still be kinda funny anyway. You know? It’s like snickering through a Police Academy movie or something. That being said, he has been pretty much owned by Cena last couple of weeks. I think it’s a shame Rock didn’t come back “Hollywood asshole” heel tbh.

Kane getting mad at jeff for not understanding his attack plans made me cry with laughter. So the entire undertaker family are now just a bunch of spoiled teenagers? Since Kane and randy seem to communicate through attacks, I assumed the ring fire was a giant middle finger or something.

What’s it going to take to make the Rock take this seriously? It’s so frustrating to see him show up each week just straight-up PANDERING to a crowd who already worships him. What’s he got to gain by getting all fan-service nice-guy on ’em? Where’s the cockiness? Where’s the anger? Where’s the *energy*?

This. A million times this. That’s exactly what’s ruining what should be the biggest match in a very long time…Rock is putting this match over like a guy who doesn’t give a flying fuck how it ends because win or lose, he goes back to Hollywood and his giant pile of money with many naked ladies…because that’s exactly what he is.

1) Melt is the best. I dont think they may many vegan options, but their salads are pretty excellent so the scene would work.
2) Is “Extinction Meteor Splash” too long a name for WWE Brodus? Or perfect for a bizzaro world Chikara Brodus?

The Kane/Jeff section made me realize how awesome if they transformed Kane’s character into Killface. He could spend time developing elaborate video packages to torture Cena or what not only to find that he only has a direct mail order campaigns to harass him. Also, Cena as Xander Crews would be TREMENDOUS.

The Kane/Jeff section made me realize how awesome if they transformed Kane’s character into Killface. He could spend time developing elaborate video packages to torture Cena or what not only to find that he only has a direct mail order campaigns to harass him. Also, Cena as Xander Crews would be TREMENDOUS.

Anyone else wondering if the Rock is reviewing his old bits and tapes, studying them intently to find out how to play “The Rock” like he’s going to be doing a TNT biopic? Watching the Cleveland Sucks video, seeing how easy it seemed for him to be that character we all know and love, just makes me think that Dwayne Johnson just doesn’t know how to be that guy anymore and is doing some… well, terrible acting.

Can we even call that a PhotoShop joke? None of the photos were altered. They just slapped three pictures and some mathematical symbols on a purple gradient. It’s so much lazier than a PhotoShop joke. It’s more like a “Microsoft Publisher 2010 joke”.

Because we aren’t a sports blog, we’re a sports comedy blog, and anything tangentially associated to sports is fair game — world records, swimsuit models, etc. Wrestling is pretend sports and I know a lot about it, so I write about it.

“As a very white dude” is such a lame excuse. Things like that have always seemed to me like the person is saying “Look, I know raps are for the black folks, but I like it, too!” I’m white, but I’m not ‘too white to like rap’ or anything of the sort.

Also, I feel that if the word is in the song, it shouldn’t be an issue for anybody to recite the lyrics. If it’s a personal thing, that’s fine. I don’t like fuck songs, or dudes talking about “beatin’ that pussy up” and so on, so I just skip those tracks.

Do we need to confer with The Smoking Section for a ruling on this, though?

I am white. I listen to lots of rap. I like to sing along with said rap. Partially because I am “a very white dude” I do not feel comfortable saying that word even in private and even when it is part of a song lyric.

That’s a personal detail, but I feel such details are important as they ultimately color our impression on these bigger issues. Had I not spent middle school in Norfolk I would likely not be a fan of rap, but there you go.

My bigger points are 1) I don’t expect everyone to adhere to my personal feelings on such issues, 2) that very reasonable people can be very reasonably upset at usage of that word regardless of the context, and 3) rap and Langston Hughes and WEB DuBois is for all people and I do not feel the need to excuse my fondness for any of those anymore than I feel the need to excuse my love of professional wrestling, Chomsky, or Cormac McCarthy.

I like to imagine Kane trying to eat the hoagie while wearing the welders mask. Also – while I truly appreciate the mention in the top 10, I feel like my comment does not stack up to the other 9 great lines.

I just want to say that PSYCH is a really fun little show with a fun and silly formula but all the actors on it make it really great.

There’s also multiple episodes where they get really excited about wrestling stuff, like James Roday and Dule Hill’s annual Royal Rumble viewing. John Cena shows up a couple times as a Black Ops guy who NEVER GIVES UP, which is going to be quickly overshadowed by the Miz as a reality show contestant.

I’m up there with you on the Psych fandom. That looks like one of the 5 most fun shows to be a part of the cast for. (for the record, the other four are Parks, Community, Bob’s Burgers (acceptable because they record ‘live,’ unlike Archer, where the cast each runs their lines alone), and Happy Endings).

I dunno…I’m kinda with both of you. Beth herself did look good…but I don’t understand what that dress was supposed to do for her except look utterly ridiculous on a woman that should be going around destroying women like Eve like they were pimples on the Diva’s division’s left asscheek.

You are right Brandon, I didn’t read your Rock section… Because I thought the concert was terrible and didn’t want to relive that pain again.
On a completely unrelated note, I want Kofi Kingston and R Truth to become tag team partners. Then, maybe they can set it up so my new favorite talker does the talking, and my favorite wrestler to watch will do the wrestling.

The UFC sometimes cuts to commercial in between rounds of fights (Especially on a tape-delay show, like past seasons of TUF), and sometimes, that B-league promotion, Bellator, will cut to commercial with like five seconds left in a round.

I liked most of the show. Pretty much all except the Rock Concert. You summed up my feelings about it perfectly. The thing that I thought made Cena’s “rap” better was the fact that he sounded angry, like he wanted to beat someone in a fight. The Rock just made jokes and played to the crowd. People complain about how Cena smiles too much and doesn’t seem to take things seriously, but that’s exactly what I saw from the Rock at the end of this show. He wasn’t selling a fight, he was selling a book of insult jokes.

I have reached the mountaintop and it is wondrous!
I was a little sidetracked during the end of the show and it seems my DVR did me a favor and stopped recording right after the Rock wrapped up his first song. Even TV recording robots were not amused by the Rock’s shenanigans.

My gripes: the WWE is entirely clueless as to what “rap” consists of, and the “Rock Concert” sucked. I liked almost everything in between, especially when there were wrestling matches. I like that they still throw a few in there, like how MTV occasionally remembers to play a video at 4am between reruns of “Jersey Shore” and “I Was A Teenage Pregnant”.

Been reading since the Summer of Punk, and I think it’s safe to say this made me laugh harder than anything I’ve ever read:

“They should’ve jumped backstage to Kane at the catering table with like half a hoagie in his mouth, looking off to the side and saying “wait, was that my fire music” with his mouth full. And then a few minutes later we see him roll up to the production guy and be all “what the f**k, Jeff” and Jeff is all “sorry Kane, Orton was about to leave, I thought you were gonna run out and attack him”. And Kane just throws his hands up, barks “GOD Jeff, you never understand my plans” and storms away.”

Yeah, that was definitely my favorite part of an all-around awesome report as well. I was reading this during my lunch break and all of my co-workers turned and looked at me as I tried to choke off the laughter that came to me unbidden.

Brandon, you’re the wrestling man, but the rap commentary is a bit off. Cena’s making words rhyme, but he’s always done what more contemporary battlers do. In these days, acapella battling replaced your typical song formats so the lyrics don’t get outshined by the beat. It’s no longer what you know from 8 Mile.

Also, I think the flow is evident. Speed it up and put it to a beat and the only thing that will change is his cadence. His bars might actually work if fitted into a standard boom bap.

I guess I’m in the minority, but, I actually liked Raw (minus the Rock’s crap and the HBK/Taker fromage). Two good matches and the return of Funkasaurus AND Otunga being named the Captain of Team Excitement is pretty sweet.

As for the Rock, fuck him. I hope Cena sqashes him in under 10 minutes to open the show, followed by Big Johnny future endeavoring the Rock. If anyone on the current roster showed up more than once unprepared for their tv time, they’d be fired. I can’t even imagine how big a payday the Rock is going to get. It’s bullshit.

I’ve been onboard with you, Brandon, about The Rock most of the time, but I have to be honest and say I enjoyed The Rock Concert despite the fact that the points you made were legitimate. I enjoyed it up until he completely BUTCHERED Queen’s We Will Rock You. That part was cringe worthy.

I love this community of weird, funny people that read and comment on this blog. It’s incredibly heartening to see not one person making the “Hey, man…lighten up! It’s just wrestling!” argument about that 25-minute wankfest that ended the show.

I mentioned it in reply to another poster’s comment, but I think it bears repeating – what’s absolutely destroying Rock/Cena and keeping it from being the biggest match maybe since Hogan/Warrior is that Rock is putting this match over like a guy who honestly doesn’t care whether he wins or loses – either way, he goes back to his mansion to sleep with many naked ladies on a gigantic pile of money.