It’s odd the things that you think about on a birthday, I think most mums do it (I know I do with Alethea, and have just done so for the first time with Will) I replay those last few days/hours before they were born in my head, I replay their birth story in my head every year. I know that last year I tried to block most of Liam’s out, but this year I can’t. This time 2 years ago it was the eve of Liam’s birth, I obviously had no idea that I was about to go into labour, so I just went about my normal day Continue reading →

I have come to the realisation that writing my feelings down, is my therapy, that putting it all down in words is how I got through Liam’s death, it made me comprehend what we had gone through and process it in a way that I wouldn’t have done had I not started this blog, so while I am not going to post my blog to my FB page anymore, it is my wish to continue our journey, and I would LOVE to share with you all how our family of 5 is getting on now! Continue reading →

I’m going to start this post by saying that yes we are a very happy family, we love each day and we live each day, we appreciate the little things and can laugh in the face of most adversaries, our happiness of course revolves around both Alethea and Will, but by no means is Will the only reason that we are now happy. In writing the last post I skipped over the majority of 8 months or so to let you know that yes our little boy was now here and he is beautiful, however in those 8 months we found peace, happiness and contentment, yes Will has added to our happiness and has filled our hearts with love, but Ryan, Alethea and I came a long way while I was pregnant. Continue reading →

After that first ultrasound I was excited that our baby had a heartbeat, however given that we had previously had many miscarriages between 6-15 weeks I wasn’t completely convinced that I would make it past the 12week ultrasound. Continue reading →

Sometimes there is not very much to say, and today is one of those days, but I couldn’t let it go by without letting everyone know that today is Liam’s 1st Birthday, today we should be celebrating with a bouncing baby boy, but he’s not here.

To my beautiful boy,

Words cannot adequately express what I feel, all I really want you to know is that I love you with everything that I am, I miss you each and every minute of the day and think of you always. You alone have taught me how to live a life of fun, how to be a better mum, a better wife and a better friend, you alone have taught me compassion, I have been on a journey from the highest of highs, to the lowest of lows and then back to the highs again.

I wish you were here, if only for a fleeting minute to give you one more kiss, one more cuddle and to feel the softness of your skin against my lips, I wish more than anything for you to know how much I love you

Happy Birthday baby boy, I hope you are jumping on clouds and sliding down rainbows, I hope you are eating cake and chocolate crackles

For this post I’m going to have to backtrack just a little bit to give you a bit of background. On the day that Liam died, our OB came into our room a couple hours after he had passed to answer any questions that we might have had. One of the questions that we asked was “when can we have another baby” it was not that we were disregarding Liam, it was just that we were so eager to hold a living baby in our arms, and to give Alethea a living sibling that she could bond with and play with just like all her other little friends Continue reading →

It’s been so long since I last wrote that I struggle to remember where I was up to! Going back to work has proved slightly more intense than I originally expected it to, even though I only work 2 days a week, Alethea and I are busy every other day of the week, so going back to work has been quite exhausting! I have to say that I was a little disappointed to learn that most of my immediate colleagues have not read any of our blog Continue reading →

I’m writing this post exactly 9 months since we lost our little boy. Today is a hard day, 9 months ago Liam was born and he died, he has now been gone for as long as we knew that he was here for and I’m really not quite sure how I feel about this, however I do know this: A mothers love is eternal, and I will love and miss him till the day I die, I wish I could have just 1 more minute with him, to let him feel how much I love him, to smell his hair, to cuddle him and to kiss his cheeks. I also know that Liam has taught me how to be a better person, how to love unconditionally, how to ignore the small inconsequential things that so often have us distressed in life. Because of Liam I hope I am a better wife, a better mum, a better friend and a better person. Continue reading →

So after our mini break away our little family got back to reality again, things started travelling along nicely for us and we were comfortable and happy for a couple of weeks, until I received an email from the hospital in the first days of October telling me that the RCA on Liam had been completed and they looked forward to meeting with Ryan and myself in the next day or so. Continue reading →

Liam’s death for the next few weeks consumed my soul, I was so angry, I wanted revenge, I wanted someone to say sorry, I wanted to know where exactly in his birth things had broken down, I wanted to understand why he wasn’t here today, like I said in a previous post I was a very angry person, my anger consumed nearly all my thoughts, I had been angry for around 6 weeks already and except for small reprieves here and there my anger lasted about another 6 weeks, but around this time it was at its height. On my days “off” when Alethea went to day care I would spend my time calling or emailing different NUMs (nursing unit managers) of different delivery suites at maternity hospitals around NSW. Maybe it was because I could talk a little medical to them, maybe they were just lovely ladies, or maybe it was the story that I told them, but each one gave me their time, talked to me with empathy and shared with me their hospital’s policy on emergency Cat 1 or code critical C sections Continue reading →