Saturday, March 7, 2015

There were two blokes in the outback camping, and they woke to see a dingo coming towards them. The first bloke said to his mate," Gee I'm glad I wore my sneakers."
His mate replied, "That won't help you outrun that bloody dingo",
First bloke says, " I don't need to outrun the dingo, I only need to outrun you."

Saturday, December 20, 2014

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) --- the bacteria found in faeces. In other words, we are consuming 1kg of poop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember:

Water = Poop,
Wine = Health

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit.

Saturday, November 22, 2014

There was once a very influential farmer in a remote part of China, who had a problem. His chickens were losing their feathers and dying.
He sought the counsel of the two wise men in town, Hing, who was a scientist, and Ming, who was a sorcerer.

Hing, who has had man advanced course hours in poultry science, consults the classic text in poultry disease, “Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Diseases of Chickens, But Were Afraid to Ask.” In the book Hing finds a reference to the report of a study showing that feeding the chickens with an infusion of gum tree leaves is often a remedy for chickens losing their feathers.

Meanwhile Ming reads obscure writings of ancient wise men, he meditates, and he reads tarot cards and examines the entrails of a pig. Getting no inspiration he uses his old standby, reading tea leaves. In a spark of discovery, it comes to him that an infusion of gum tree leaves is the cure.

So the two wise men report back to the influential Chinese farmer. Ming says, “As gum sticks to tables and chairs, so shall an infusion of gum tree leaves make feathers stick to chickens.”
Hing agrees, saying “Studies show that infusions of gum tree leaves alleviate feather loss in chickens.” The influential Chinese farmer is ecstatic, for the two wisest men in town are of a single mind. He decides to follow their recommendation.

But it does not work.
Moral of the Story: “All of Hing’s courses and all of Ming’ ken couldn’t get gum tea to feather a hen.”

Thursday, September 4, 2014

Young son asks his father: "Dad, what is the difference between potential and reality?"

Dad: I'll show you.
Dad turned to his wife and ask her: "Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for 1 million Dollars?
Wife answers: "Yes of Course! I would never waste such an opportunity to be a millionaire"

Then dad asked his daughter if she would sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars.
Daughter: "Wow! Yes Yes! I will, that's my fantasy"

So Dad turned to his elder son and asks him: Son, would you sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars?

Elder son replied: "Yeah. Why not? Imagine what I could do with a million dollars!"

Then the father turned to his younger son and said: "You see son, we have the potential to make 3 million dollars, but in reality we're living with two tarts and a pouf."

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Isaac Asimov is said to have said, "I do not use airplanes. They strike me as unsporting. You can have an automobile accident—and survive. You can be on a sinking ship—and survive. You can be in an earthquake, fire, volcanic eruption, tornado, what you will—and survive. But if your plane crashes, you do not survive."
Smart thinking when you come to think of it.