Thursday, October 30, 2014

We all have it, don’t
we? That little voice in our head that never shuts up…the one who in that
grating nail-on-a-chalkboard manner informs us that we should have known
better. “What’s the matter with you!”
it shrieks, “Didn’t you know?” Well
no, thank you very much, I guess I didn’t know. I wish someone would have told
me that. That would have been considered useful information TWENTY FUCKING YEARS AGO, not so much
now. Now, it just makes me feel sad, and a little bit angry.

What’s the one thing
you wish someone would have told you? When I asked you this question, your
responses came pouring in. I could relate to almost every one of them, but
especially to the reader who wrote: They did tell me. I just didn’t listen.Amen to that. As a teenager, constructive
guidance of any nature would bore me to tears. But that’s exactly when I should
have been sopping it up like a sponge. Think of everything we waste in our
youth...it’s enough to make me weep. Back then, if anyone started a sentence
with the following pretext, my brain would instantly shut down: “I don’t want to tell you what to do, but if
I were you…blah, blah, blah.” Oh,
how I wish I would have listened more closely to that blah, blah, blah part. But sadly, I was receiving this great wisdom
at the height of self-absorption. Instead of listening, I was 16-years old and
having really deep thoughts, like, “This
sounds rather important. But I really need to pop into the can to see if my
boobs have arrived yet.” They hadn't...still haven't...still checking.I recently stumbled upon my Grade 12 photo. After my eyes stopped bleeding, I wished I could go back and tell my 16-year old self a few things...although I was likely too high on hairspray to be having any deep thoughts. Clearly. As an aside, those little Facebook profile pictures were not built to accommodate the hairstyles of the 80s and 90s...in fact, you'd be hard-pressed to capture all of my eyebrows in that slot. Obviously Zuckerberg didn't go to my high school - he'd still be getting his head flushed down the toilet for "acting smart".

I’m not a golfer, but
I dig the concept of a mulligan - an extra stroke allowed after a poor shot,
not counted on the scorecard. How sweet would that be? To be handed another
shot because your first try was so fucked up. “Jeez, if I could just have done that differently…” or “Oh boy, I really should have listened…”,
with an incredulous, perplexed element of “Holy
shit, my parents were RIGHT AGAIN.”
No worries, friend, here’s your mulligan. Try that one again - this time with a
little more thought and applied brain matter.

Unfortunately for us,
life starts at the beginning…long before we’re willing to stop and listen to
what other people have to say. And rather regrettably, we’re not allowed
mulligans. Oh, sure, we can give it another go after a poor shot. But the first
result will always stay on the scorecard. There’s no erasing the past. What’s
done is done. You look back now and know you could have done better; sure
that’s a given. We all share this one. It’s like a universal remote on
never-ending rewind for all of us. Maybe it’s preparing us for purgatory – a
constant repeat of should haves, would haves and could haves.(Important note: If you think
Call of Duty has a lot of swearing, then you clearly haven’t played this
delightful little mind-fuck game.)

But here’s the thing:
What happened in your past is now just a story. That’s all it is. It happened,
and it’s over. It’s all done now - finito. But the sequel? That part’s entirely
up to you. Once you realize this, you release any power the past holds over
you. So you know all those things you’ve always wanted to do? I suggest you go
do them. You know that person you wanted to be when you grew up? I suggest you
be them. That picture in your head of what your life was supposed to be? Adjust
your lens, because you’re already living the only one you’ve got…more
importantly, the only one you’ll ever get.

Here forthwith are your responses to what you
wish someone would have told you.

Relax…in five years, this moment and these
people won’t matter. Everything will be alright.

Love yourself first. It’s OK to be alone.

They did tell me. I just didn’t believe them.

If you are not happy, neither are the people
around you. Make a change and quit being stubborn.

Don’t be so shy to show a little cleavage.
Because now I can’t.

That I was beautiful and smart.

Happiness takes hard work!

Don’t bother dating until you’re at least 25…before
then it’s just the hormones talking.

I don’t know…they haven’t told me yet.

My mom told me but I didn’t listen. Don’t be
in a rush to shave your legs!

Save money when you are younger to be able to
do some of the things you want when you are a little older…debt sucks!!!

It will be hard, but it will also be
worthwhile.

I am good enough.

To always, ALWAYS trust your instincts…it
sucks finding that out the hard way.

It is okay to cry.

Relax and enjoy life more, don’t worry so
much about all the little things and most importantly, be confident in myself
and my abilities.

You think you are tired when your kids are
young…wait until they are adults and go out at night. All night.

You would be really good at “x”. Why don’t
you make a career out of it?

Do not spend all your time working. Enjoy
life.

To always be thankful for your blessings.

You don’t deserve this.

Husbands and siblings are SUPPOSED to drive
you crazy.

Not to shave my legs if I didn’t need to!

That eating right not only changes the way
your body can look, but also changes the way you feel.

It gets much harder the older you get.

Don’t take yourself so seriously. No one else
does.

Life is a journey and every year you will
learn and build a new you, especially in your twenties. But no matter how bad
it seems, it will always be worth it in the end, and everything always, always,
always work out. And if it doesn’t work out, it’s not over with yet!

I am good enough as I am.

Wear sunscreen! I know that now, but I didn’t
when I was 14.

The sooner you can admit you are wrong and
accept it, the sooner you can grow.

Marriage is not about that “one” day…it’s
about finding someone who accepts, respects and loves you for who you are; it’s
about seeing that other person as a partner with whom you want to experience
life with, and understanding that as years go by, you will change. The change
is not necessarily a bad thing though – it’s about understanding how to change
together and by doing so, you will experience an even greater bond.

What to expect when you grow old. For
Dummies.

I wish someone would have told me that I was
never going to feel financially secure, no matter what.

It’s OK to be who you are. Beauty lies in
individuality.

Money doesn’t always fix things, or make you
happy.

You need to be happy with YOU. YOU is always
with you, to the end of your days – that is the only constant that there is. So
be kind to YOU. Get to know YOU really well.

I wish that someone would have advised me on
how to be better with money management.

I wish someone had told me how god-awful my
ex was being to me behind my back.

Nothing I can think of.

That my fly was down.

That birth control isn’t evil. You can enjoy
yourself before having kids, and that’s OK.

The world is a book. Go read. As much as you
can.

I wish someone would have told me things
about sex.

I can’t think of one thing because I probably
wouldn’t have listened.

Childbirth really does feel like you are
trying to push a watermelon out your ass.And that sometimes you do not get a second change to say thank you, I
love you or any other kind words.

It would be considered wise to save a bit of
money when you’re young.

How to cook and bake extravagant meals at a
young age, so I could do it naturally and with ease as an adult, instead of
having to Google almost everything.

Don’t try – DO! Change is inevitable, growth
is optional. Travel if you can to help you realize how many opportunities we
have in this country to prosper. If you can make a difference with someone who
has had some misfortunes, help them out. It will be good for you as well.

I wish someone would have told me that some
people will always be jealous or envious of your success, especially those who
sit there and do nothing to help themselves.

The shadow you try hide is the one most
visible to everyone.

Life isn’t easy.

How to work smarter.

That trying my best and being true to myself
would be enough.

Honestly, my parents and grandparents gave me
the BEST advice growing up. I just chose not to heed their words. My two
favourites? Always be aware of your surroundings, and hold your car keys like a
shank. That, and make good choices.

It’s OK to ask for help.

I wish someone would have told me “You are
good enough.” Simple. That’s it. And for someone to truly have meant it.

Value the time you spend with your parents
because they won’t always be around.

When I was younger I wish someone would have
told me to be confident in the person God created, and trust that he did it
right.

That my house would NEVER be clean, and
laundry would never done with three kids and a husband. Really?

By the time you are 30, you will be in a
comfortable financial situation so don’t put so much effort into getting rid of
your student debt. Enjoy a little!

I’m sure everything I wish I knew was told to
me. I just wish I would have listened and believed them.

I was told many things, but one I wish I
learned earlier is to actually actively listen.

Go into the sales profession as early as
possible.

I wish that grown-ups would stop saying “Be
nice; you have to play with everyone.” Because really, not even grown-ups like
everyone. Better advice would have been, “Don’t be mean; just ignore the nasty
fuckers.”.