“There’s a blind guy on staff here who uses a guide dog. I know this sounds unreal, but the mayor kicks that dog every day before he starts the daily staff meeting. It’s almost like the starting bell for the meeting. When he’s not sidling up to Al Sharpton or bad-mouthing the cops, he’s trying to find ways to inflict pain on small, helpless creatures. Lifting the ferret ban was just a smokescreen.”

The original groundhog story, even before these revelations, was cause célèbre enough: On Groundhog Day, last February 2, the mayor, looking like Geno Smith trying to hold onto a football, clumsily dropped Staten Island Chuck. A week later, the furry weatherman died of internal injuries, and the cover-up began. As reported by the New York Post:

“Staten Island Zoo officials went to great lengths to hide the death from the public — and keep secret the fact that “Chuck” was actually “Charlotte,” a female impostor, sources said Wednesday.”

Bud Fox News tracked down Hortense Gardener, who remembers de Blasio from the Cambridge, Massachusetts neighborhood where they both grew up. She told this reporter: “Oh, yeah, I remember Warren Wilhelm. He was always running around with a BB gun taking shots at stray cats. He was really mean. He made fun of me because my parents were on welfare. He called me Po Ho.” (To clarify, the mayor was born Warren Wilhelm, Jr. on May 8, 1961. He changed his name to Warren de Blasio-Wilhelm in 1983 and changed it again in December 2001 to Bill de Blasio.)

Apparently, the mayor’s spin-doctors are swinging into action. According to sources close to city hall press secretary Phil Walzak, the mayor’s press people have been quietly visiting the city’s animal shelters and hope to soon announce, no doubt with great fanfare, that de Blasio will be adopting a dog and cat for the mayoral mansion.

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"I wouldn't buy a used car from a university president. They'll say, 'We're making moves to cut costs,' and mention something about energy-efficient lightbulbs, and ignore the new assistant to the assistant to the associate vice provost they just hired." -Richard Vedder, economist

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