Rubber Face Masks. Don’t be fooled by standard masks with pores the size of an army of viruses. Get these poreless, peerless models. Includes frowny-faces so that you can blend in with the general populace.

6-pack Vinegar. Out they go. Medicinal value indicated by recent sales in the millions of bottles. Those viruses won’t want to know you after you down a good vinegar six-pack.

Whito Bleach. The latest fragrance in these rapidly changing times. Don’t be left out. Spray it on household items; the car; even apply to bodily extremities before making love. Guaranteed to suppress libido and thus minimize transmission opportunities.

Influenza Carrier Detector Unit. Insert up anus of suspected ‘flu carrier. The model that took San Francisco by storm.

Panic Instruction Manual. How to save face by panicking along with the rest of the general population. Don’t appear relaxed when you can join the frenzy. Fully illustrated with appropriate facial expressions of sentient anguish.

The Layman’s Guide To Bird Flu Statistics. Beautifully illustrated with exaggerated and frightening images of death by pestilence. All avian ‘flu figures in exaggerated size 68 font to make them look bigger than what they really are, as requested by 98% of men on the street. If you cannot justify your current sense of terror, this is the manual for you. Essential bed-time readings. Editor’s note: All competing data which might suggest that H5N1 is anything less than the Apocalypse have been respectfully removed to avoid embarrassment for the masses.

Fear Registration Unit. Feeling frustrated because you are feeling relaxed and apathetic while all your friends are in various states of apoplectic terror? The Fear Registration Unit is the answer. Alerts you when levels of adrenalin and cortisone in the brain fall below critical levels, with a violent blow to the parietal lobe (i.e. the back of your head). Don’t let your apathy kill you at a time when panic is the only socially acceptable option.

The Rumour Generator: Don’t be left out at parties when that extrovert has the audience transfixed with anecdotes of our impending doom, government conspiracies and Beijing Medical Hospital backroom gossip. Self-generating and fully automatic, this compact unit includes such popular options as: “What happens when they quarantine Beijing/Shanghai/Guangzhou?”; “They’re burning thousands of ‘flu corpses behind Beijing Military hospital”; and “The government already knows about it”. Sorry, numbers are strictly unlimited.