Daily Submissions

Listen up, folks, because I am about to gift you all with my intimate knowledge of what the Right Way is! Aren’t you excited? Eager, even? You want to be Right, don’t you? Or do you, perhaps, suspect that this is a fake-out? That I couldn’t possibly know the single way to do this thing? That your model has worked for your entire 25 year relationship, and a girl of a mere 32 years couldn’t possibly have big enough balls to say that you’ve been doing it wrong? That, perhaps, there are as many different ways to “do” this thing as there are relationships?

Okay, fine, I admit it. I’m not going to tell you the Right Way, largely because such a thing does not exist. I mean, I might as well have named this entry “Hey, I Have a Map to a Unicorn Breeding Facility!” or “Look! Successful, Moderate Politicians Photographed Within!” right? Most people reading this blog already know that what works for them might not work for another couple. But I have come across some new Dominants recently in my adventures in Fet, and sometimes I feel badly because of all the “Domlier-than-thou” that goes on sometimes. Submissive people get hit with it repeatedly, but I think there’s even more (or just different, perhaps) pressure on the newish Dominants.

One profile I read recently sounded almost apologetic because he wasn’t into extremes. He suggested that his interests might not even qualify as kinks- perhaps he was more suited for vanilla. Okay, first of all, I have trouble with guys who come into the scene (brand new) and want to start with something like bloodletting. You have to crawl… well, it’s not a perfect analogy for a Dominant guy, but whatevs. Crawl, then walk, then think about running. I guess if blood is all that interests someone, they can find ways to learn about that, but don’t inflict your inexperience on a submissive. Take the time to learn about it first.

I’ve lost my point. Sorry, anyway… I think it’s great to start with lighter activities, and if that’s all you want, chances are good there’s someone else interested in that sort of relationship. Kink is NOT all about being dark and emo and whatever else. It can be, when it works that way, but there’s plenty of light to be found in this sort of thing. I wrote him a note; told him that he should do what feels good, and not let anyone else dictate what that “should” be. (Within SSC, of course. I’m a big fan of SSC.)

I’m back! Sorry for the double miss, all. I’ve decided to start on the 30 days of submission in earnest, and #6 is a group of questions that are frequently asked, with regards to BDSM roles. I have a lot to say on the subject, and hope it’s interesting!

What do you feel are the roots of your submission? Do you think it has something to do with childhood? Is it a relationship management tool as in the practice of domestic discipline? Is it a sexual thrill or something else?

So, addressing the questions in order, I will begin with my submissive roots, and if my childhood contributed to my inclination to submit. Childhood absolutely contributed to who I am today, in every respect. This is true for everyone. They don’t refer to your childhood as “formative years” for nothing, after all. Regardless of the good things I picked up on: “Be nice.” or the negative lessons learned; ”I will not put myself in a passive-aggressive relationship.” or the bad habits I still have, like my short fuse under pressure, childhood frames how we perceive the world.

That said, I don’t believe in nature vs. nurture. The two are inseparable. I was born with submissive tendencies. My experiences cultivated that. It’s just who I am.

For us, it did not begin as a “management” tool. My Sir was looking for a specific type of relationship when we crossed paths, and I was immediately drawn to him. Our D/s dynamic was pretty much the first thing we established about our relationship. It does serve as quite an effective tool at times, though. It’s the same principle as domestic discipline, I think. There’s a leader and a support role. The leader is driven to protect his (or her) support, and the support is all about shoring up and serving the leader to the best of her (or his) ability. This creates a dynamic that is harmonious and attentive. The two are more likely to communicate, based on what I’ve seen.

It is sexually thrilling, for sure. It’s just more than that, too. The whole package is appealing to me. I feel like he is deserving of everything I give him, and then some. I love being attentive to his needs. It is fulfilling in a way vanilla simply would not be, and even when I struggle with it, I am still aware of how blessed I am to be able to have my Sir in my life, and to experience this life with him.

Yesterday, my Sir woke me up by fondling me, then rolling me onto my stomach and climbing onto my back. It’s something I’ve expressed interest in recently, and it was extremely erotic for me. I felt really disoriented, though, and I kept trying to catch my breath, but I couldn’t. Anyway, he went into the dark place with me, and I was ever so grateful. I had trouble getting my head where it needed to be, and he stopped so I could sort out my thoughts, and not feel pressured to continue in the scene.

I feel badly that I broke down a little bit, and I tried to impress upon him how much I liked what he had done. He did tell me that it would be repeated again, so that felt a bit more like victory. I can’t expect to be perfect all the time, right? Sometimes I think I’m harder on myself than my Sir is, though. Maybe I should meditate on that statement, and stop with the judgment. Just a thought.

It’s gorgeous weather today, and we have all the windows open. I had to turn down a spanking a bit ago, on account of the bustling activities outside, but he’ll close up the windows later, and then I’ll get it. I hope!

In the midst of my tired headspace yesterday, I asked my Sir if it might be a good idea to give me a day off from tasks. I know that means fewer strings, but I’ve really just felt overwhelmed this weekend. He adjusted it so that my “tasks” for a Sunday will be recreational items of his choosing. I called him an evil taskmaster after he listed such taxing things as “read for an hour” and “play something on the xbox.” Clearly this man is a monster.

I’ve written a few entries now about my search for a new collar, but a couple of days ago I found it in a place we’ve both looked a thousand times. My actual collar is in my possession! Well, it’s in his possession, but the point is that I don’t have to go looking anymore. I’ve been so relieved about that, you just would not believe it. I’d almost have to say that the collar hid itself until I was ready to have it back. It’s simple black leather with a D ring in front and a small chain draped across my collarbones. It is absolutely fantastic.

I’ve felt drained of some energy lately- my entries are short and I lost strings one day last week. I was sad, but I would’ve felt worse if he hadn’t enforced the rules. Today when I finish my tasks, I will have 36. I’ve been given chances to earn extra strings here and there, which is wonderful. The only thing that really threw me off was a few days when we didn’t have tasks clearly outlined for me. But even still, I’m not functioning as well as I would like to be. Right now, I’m pretty sure I just need to buckle down and ride it out and I’ll come through just fine, I just need to make it.

Last night I got a really sexy spanking. My Sir positioned me just so, with my hands clasped behind my head as I knelt on the bed. He brought the back scratcher down on the soles of my feet a couple of times, but I think that would feel better with a lighter implement. It still felt hot, though. He was pretty relentless with the spanking, too. The stuff of fantasy, right there. And then I gave him a pretty decent blowjob, if I do say so, myself.

This entry is going to be unique, in that I’m going to try and talk about the history of my relationship with my Sir by quoting him at significant points in our relationship.

“My pet.” This phrasing was my Sir’s original term of endearment for me. This one doesn’t get pulled out very much, and I kind of like that. It feels special. It’s not meant to be an everyday thing; we’ve evolved from there. It still has sentimental value, though.

“It’ll be like having a boyfriend without having to deal with my flaws and quirks.” When we negotiated our intended relationship, I was uncertain about not being his primary relationship. This was his attempt at a silver lining.

“I hate redheads.” I quit trying for that perfect shade of red at that point. It was, by the way, on account of having his heart broken by a redhead.

“When she touched me, I felt like a human being again… I became a person with value.” On beginning to heal after his first marriage fell apart.

“Do you have a hidden camera set up so that you can call at the worst possible times? I’m just curious.” This happened frequently enough that I began to get paranoid about when I called.

“Sorry, I’m babbling.” To which I always replied, “That’s okay… I like it.”

“I love you.”

“I’ll meet you in your dreams tonight.” When I was feeling the distance, he’d always say this as a reassurance.

“I can’t stop touching your skin.” Said with wonderment in his face, the morning he picked me up at the airport, on our way to his place. I have always heard the phrase “It was electric,” but never experienced it until then.

Today my Sir wrote on his blog about the sorts of implements he uses for the purpose of spanking me. He left out my very favorite thing of all: the leather belt. If he uses it lightly to moderately on me, it feels awesome. It can also make me hurt in less pleasurable ways; the ways I fantasize about.

Aside from that, he covered our usual arsenal, and then teased that he has other things in mind for use in the future. Since he chose not to reveal them, I thought I would offer up some suggestions instead.

1. There’s a package of wooden spoons in the kitchen, and I probably don’t need all of them for cooking purposes.

2. When we were cleaning out the bedroom, my face lit up at one point and I handed my Sir something that he stared at with confusion on his face. He had no idea that my mind was in the gutter at the time. I wonder if he can remember what it was?

3. Loose USB cables. These are scary… so very scary. I’ve seen some of the welts those puppies can leave, and I’m not sure how I’d react to that, but it’s worth trying at least once, amirite?

4. A shoe. I can imagine the look of puzzlement crossing his face as he reads this. It’s an old British standard, commonly known as “slippering” and I want to know what all the fuss is about.

5. One of those studded paddles. I bet those things feel amazing.

He also talks about how I build up walls, and sometimes I complain that he cheats to get past them- In certain conditions, and given enough of a warm-up spanking, I can sail straight into delicious fuzziness and just take the spanking he is dishing out without giving him that physical fighting response. If he can’t elicit a response out of me with just his bare hand, he’ll resort to things like picking up an implement from beside the bed or digging his nails into the reddest part of my skin. This can cause my walls to crack and bring me straight up out of that trance-y feeling. Yes, it’s cheating, and I complain about it, but I wouldn’t want him to stop doing it.

Anyone have suggestions for other implements? I prefer thud to sting, for the record. Sting can be exciting, though.

Somebody asked this question (in much more crude terms, which I am too ladylike to repeat- terrible recording, but the best I could find- sorry!) in a group I belong to on FL. What sort of music do you listen to when you Do This Sort of Thing? I’ve heard a lot of responses, from the old standard of “Barry White” to classical pieces. It’s something that is fascinating to me, mostly because we’ve never done that. I don’t have a playlist of songs to spank to, or anything like that. Now, I understand the need in some instances to cover up the noise. As one of my favorite Tumblr writers said, “…[M]y sex life often sounds like a crime scene.” It makes sense that there will be some non-traditional noises made, but we don’t live in apartments or other extremely close quarters, so we can get away with some noise. I’m also, as previously mentioned, fairly quiet.

My choice in soundtrack would probably vary quite a bit, depending on the mood of the scene. Sometimes I’d want cheerful little tunes, and sometimes I’d like something atmospheric and dark. We just don’t tend to plan out “scenes” per se. Also, we have different tastes in music (with crossovers, of course), so I think at some point it would be distracting to the other partner.

I love music, don’t get me wrong, I’ve just never found it necessary for Things of a Sexual Nature.

I feel a little like a zombie today, but without the overwhelming urge to consume braaaaaaaii- er, brains. I didn’t even go out walking yesterday! Plus, I got way more sleep than my Sir, though I did have nightmares that I had committed a crime and was going to jail. At least it wasn’t a zombie nightmare.

Yesterday I was a snotty bitch, and I felt horrible about it the entire time. I had some anger well up that I just couldn’t shake, and it made me surly and disagreeable. I know logically why it happened, but it is still unacceptable. Graciously, I was given a warning and nothing else- I felt the burden of my behavior all evening, and was grateful to have the warning conversation. Truth be told, I didn’t deserve to get any of my strings yesterday.

So, that was fun. Then today was an exercise in frustration. More fun. Well, at least part of our frustrations have been resolved- we have internet, and it isn’t giving out on us for 5 minutes at a time every 30 seconds, which our dsl was totally doing for at least the past three weeks. This means that I can watch silly clips on youtube or sexy clips on spankingtube, or play fun games on Kongregate, or look at my favorite Tumblrs again! Whee!

In about 3 hours, I’ll get to see Sarah Michelle Gellar’s return to TV on our new basic cable and hope the show isn’t dreadful. I have some mint chocolate chip ice cream waiting for me in the freezer, a few good books to be read, a dom with a need to spank “someone” and 3 strings already in the box for today…. life isn’t so bad.

So, yesterday I was feeling very submissive and was allowed to suck my Sir’s cock for quite a while. I loved every moment of being focused entirely on him. It was very fulfilling and intimate. At one point he sighed rather blissfully and murmured that he did not want me to come; I was to keep my focus on giving. I eagerly complied without objection- as I’ve mentioned previously, his control is a delicious turn-on, and I quite enjoy being teased. As things came to a close, he offered me a choice- Orgasm or remain in the mindset of giving. I chose not to orgasm, and things wrapped up.

Hours later, I shyly approached him in a state of arousal, but was informed that the rules of the day had not changed. He even shamed me in the most delicious way for my change of heart regarding giving. I must admit that I began to wheedle and beg in a most unbecoming manner. He immediately ruled that sort of behavior as not permissible. On top of that, he insisted that I write a blog entry about how frustrated I am before I am to be granted release today!

My Sir’s adherence to the ruling from yesterday has me quite wound up. Not only that, but I did some porn-watching and -reading to amplify the need, because I can’t just be content with being told ‘no,’ I have to ramp it up some. It is ramped, ladies and gents. I know he will tease me even more before he allows me to come today, and I hope that I will be allowed to come today- what if he changes his mind? Could I endure? How wanton have I become that the thought of postponing it another day is nearly enough to drive me mad?

Yesterday I listed my turn-ons, and today I’m going to finish up that entry with a list of my 10 biggest turn-offs. This will not be inclusive of my hard limits, so just assume that anything mentioned in my disclaimer on my About Me page is already understood.

No, thanks:

Unpleasant odors- From myself or my partner. I am really self-conscious of scent, for some reason. Also, sometimes a scent can disrupt my mood entirely, and I won’t even know why. But, yeah, hygiene in general is pretty important.

Not following through- If I find I’m able to manipulate my way into topping from the bottom, I get bored in a hurry.

Bad pain- You know how I always say I’m such a wuss about pain? Even more when it’s unexpected and not part of what we’re doing. If I stub my toe, get a crick in my neck or my hair gets pulled too sharply, I may (depending on severity) dissolve into a puddle of unsexy tears.

Hair in my mouth- I suck a lot of cock. I hate the feeling of hair in my mouth, and sometimes strands of my hair get wrapped around his cock and end up in my throat, or sometimes it’s his pubic hair. I’m so paranoid about causing damage of any sort to his wobbly bits that I’m reluctant to shave him there, but I really like using my mouth on him.