Friday, 7 March 2008

I am not and never will be a country girl. These feet only walk on cement and I only want to see black and white cow print on car seat covers. However, I drove west for a couple of hours yesterday to visit folk in the country. What I did notice on my drive is that although there are not a lot of billboards to pollute the scenery, all the ones that I did see were to do with sinning. No, not suggesting you sin but the whole “Repent ye sinner” thing. Now, being an ardent, practicing sinner myself, and supposedly the type that their marketing is aimed it, I did not feel the slightest twinge to consider repenting - so I have to wonder how effective this ‘stop being a naughty person or you’ll go to hell’ advertising is? Is a sinner shooting past in a car at 100km an hour on the highway supposed to go “Holy crap…er….” I mean “Dear me, that ugly yellow billboard is right. I am an evil, gin swilling toe rag and I must mend my ways immediately?” How many died-in-the-wool sinners are going to do that? Just a suggestion, but wouldn’t it be better to put the money that had been spend on all those giant words of redemption into feeding the homeless? Buying clothes and books and medicine? How about rehab centres? Just a thought…One of the things I love about the country newspapers is they have the best personal columns. You know, “shy guy wants to meet dominatrix for sex and chess.” Anyway I make a point of reading them. Now, I know there are a lot of lonely people out there. I truly wish everyone that wanted someone in their life could find someone. If I was the Queen of the World – I would make this in my top 5 things to do when it came to fixing up the world. Just so you know if I need your vote for Queen. So, if putting an advert in the personal columns helps you meet people, then great, I wish you well. The ones I am referring to are the unrealistic ones like the ones below -

- Sensitive, caring, sweet guy seeks tall, blonde, busty lady. Slimness is essential and must have no children or all contact will be cancelled.

Now, if you are sensitive, caring and sweet you would not give a rat’s arse how someone looks would you? And what’s the thing about the kids? I suspect this man is still living with his mother. Wanker alert.

Or

Attractive, successful man seeks natural red head for fun times.

Okay – how many men, and not gay men, would know whether a woman’s hair colour was natural or not? And why a redhead?

- Good looking 37 year old female tired of dealing with boys, wants a real man. Only men with manners, common sense and a sense of humor need apply.

No, I didn't write that one.

And this one is my all time favourite…and yes, it was in the newspaper – I can’t make stuff like this up –

Rare opportunity presents itself to the ladies of XXXX. Pensive Cancerian, mid 30’s, Anglo Saxon seeks refined playful soul mate. My interests include UFO sightings, music and theatre. Some people have described me as gentle and caring, others inconsiderate and careless. I walk on the wild side but could be your pussycat. Let me purr for you or be the callous lover and fulfill your beastly needs.

What the? I was really tempted to answer but I refrained.

A word on split infinitives….

What is a split infinitive, and why should I avoid using one?

This is a split infinitive:To boldly go where no man has gone before!

The infinitive is to go, and it has been 'split' by the adverb boldly.

I split the little buggers all the time. I'm sure my ever-patient editor just rolls her eyes and has a bottle of tequila at her elbow as she reads my submissions. I swear I am trying to be good. I wonder if Captain Kirk is aware of that? Not, that I drive my editor to drink or that I’m trying to be good but more that he splits infinitives? Does Spock do it? And how would you know if a Klingon split an infinite? Hmm…any Trekkies out there? Please advise.

Anny is talking to Eppie and Dancer on www.annycook.blogspot.com. Who are they? Go seek and find out. Kelly has the next part in her serial – “Family Business" on www.kkirch.blogspot.com. I think Bob is the bad guy and Fenn has underwear problems.

9
comments:

Brilliant! We have a paper called "The Metro Times" here in Detroit and there are PAGES of personal ads in it. There is the page of "normal" ads, then there are two (sometimes more) pages of "The Wild Side" where people with...unique sexual needs seek out others of their kind. Fantastic fun to read.

I need to find a paper like that except I live in small town Indiana. Most likely the ads I'd read would involve livestock and Amish quilts.

I dangle modifiers. Yes. Shocking. Oh and fragment sentences like this one. I lost count of how many times my RP editor commented. Then there are both editors who regularly tag something with the vague comment "Awkward". Hmm. I try to be stylish, but sheesh, a bit judgmental much?

I used to read the personals in the gossip rags my grandma used to get. A guy I knew was thinking of writing one, and about eighteen months later, I read one which sounded like him. Crazily enough, it was the only ad that appealed to me. When I returned hom from Florida, I called him up and read him the ad. Sure enough, it was his! We had a good laugh that a year after our break-up, I could still pick up on his personality:)

In the world of Captain Kirk, Spock and the others aboard their mission, their intelligence was so far superior to ours that they got rid of split infinitives and simply used language that made sense. Ah, what a luxury.

You know, I'm an infinitive splitter too. I am saving this information for the next time my editor notes this. I will then promptly reply that one of the most famous pop culture quotes of all time splits and infinitive so why can't I.

Now if you could just justify my comma splices with something other than, "If you'd let me use a semicolon, it wouldn't be a problem."

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