The Best And Worst Of WWE Raw 8/22

– Normally the fine folks at WWEFanNation upload clips of Raw throughout the day on Tuesday, and by the time I’m done slaving away writing paragraphs about Kelly Kelly’s boobs I can plug in the appropriate videos. For some reason those videos never showed up today, so I’m going to chalk it up to WWE’s tour of Canada creating YouTube issues and/or somebody at the WWE front office finding out about Best and Worst and not wanting you to see their show without the correct number of “Royal Pains” commercials. I’m bound by doctor-patient confidentiality! I’m your brother!!!

– Comments on this post, be it feedback or just your thoughts on Raw, are appreciated. As funny as it is, I do ask that we move away from the “john cena gay” gag, as “john cena gay” has started popping up on everything on Uproxx and makes us look like a weird niche hate site. If Best and Worst has to have a running gag, let it be something that doesn’t confuse and dissuade the new people.

– Sheamus vs. Mark Henry is the main event of Smackdown this week, so if there was ever a week for me to start doing Best and Worsts of that, it’s this one. I’m also considering doing a live blog of next week’s Super Duper Live Smackdown, if that sounds like a thing you’d like.

– I’m going to be in Los Angeles next month enjoying the Dodgers, Van Gogh and the Matterhorn (in that order) so I’m looking for someone notable and accomplished to fill in for Best and Worst of Night of Champions and/or the next night’s Best and Worst of Raw. Shoot me an e-mail if you possess these qualities: 1) you are funny, and can send me something funny you wrote as proof, 2) you are able to write about wrestling in a somewhat positive way and don’t ever use the phrase “came out to a big pop”, 3) you are interested.

Anyway, enjoy the recap, and thank you for your patronage. Vote Bateman, in case this season of NXT ever decides to end.

I don’t think we can vote Bateman, he has to earn Redemption Points. Which is a thing that hasn’t been done since he joined. It’s probably been ten weeks since the last elimination. Every segment is a match now.

I don’t understand you, NXT.

By: Finnegan T. Dressup

08.23.2011 @ 4:17 PM

I’m pretty sure I saw this whole episode on “Vintage Classics” last Saturday.

Looking back at the initial promo, Punk is a fucking master at this. He mentioned NJPW and ROH, but those are real places. He mentioned John Laurinaitis as the head of Talent Relations, which is an actual title that the fiction can hold, unlike “creative”. Never once was there a hint that the wrestling or characters or Hall of Fame is staged.

John Cena being put in that same position would just be a “WHY DO I EVEN BOTHER, IT’S ALL FAKE ANYWAY BUT YOU GUYS STILL LIKE ME RIGHT”, trying to sell merchandise not realizing that people aren’t going to buy merchandise for products they’re already losing interest in.

By: Joseph A.

08.23.2011 @ 4:30 PM

Tom, where is your internet etiquette? Being FIRST! without stating as such? For shame.

By: TH

08.23.2011 @ 4:33 PM

Also, appreciate the shout-out!

By: MurderMitten

08.23.2011 @ 4:34 PM

I hate to rain on the parade, but I don’t think that the title was on the line against Morrison last night, at least according to wwe.com

I also find it hilarious that they won’t even show Morrison’s clothesline in the vid of the match

By: Furiously Tim

08.23.2011 @ 4:36 PM

The only way to normalize Michael Cole is to have Jerry Lawler be the prick he used to be 87 years ago. The “I disagree with everything you say” counterpointed by “YEAH WELL I’M TALKING LOUDER AND DISAGREE WITH EVERYTHING YOU SAY” schtick is getting old between Lawler and Cole and frankly the booth can’t survive without them because JR isn’t full time for whatever reason and Booker T is neither here nor this right here.

If Punk and Cena can walk the good guy/bad guy line than the announcer have to be gray as well and that’s the only way Cole comes back down to Earth and the WWE doesn’t waste a good however-many-years it took to make Cole what he is – probably the best play-by-play they have or could have.

So yeah it’s good to have Lawler act like a normal human being for once because it’s the only way Cole will ever stop being this switch flicking-holy-shit-Miz-is-out-there-I-have-to-get-back-in-to-character guy.

Personal question: too many hyphens?

By: ILovePaleHoseandPaleHos

08.23.2011 @ 4:37 PM

“I asked Destiny to name the worst thing that could happen on Raw.”

That sounds like either the worst or best strip club conversation ever.

/I’m sure she’s a lovely woman; no offense meant

By: Brandon

08.23.2011 @ 4:38 PM

@ILovePaleHose – No offense taken, she gets it all the time.

By: Porfirio Diaz

08.23.2011 @ 4:39 PM

Soooo… Gohan is John Cena, Triple H is Goku, and Del Rio is Cell? Can we have Kevin Nash as Mr. Satan? I guess what I’m trying to say is: CM Punk = Vegeta or ban.

Fantasy booking is fun.

By: pigjosh

08.23.2011 @ 4:41 PM

i think raw needs more guys desperately. and way less eve.

By: McNutty

08.23.2011 @ 4:45 PM

Jack Tunney was the anonymous RAW GM.

By: Josh B.

08.23.2011 @ 4:46 PM

“If Best and Worst has to have a running gag, let it be something that doesn’t confuse and dissuade the new people.”

Can it PLEASE be “Captain Cuntrifle”? They’ll just think it’s some sort of KSK Rex Ryan reference.

By: Chairman Kaga

08.23.2011 @ 4:46 PM

I’m intrigued to see where all this goes, and that’s good. Still won’t be buying any more PPVs in the near future though. I keep thinking of ways that they get Cena to a full on heel soon and I’m having a hard time getting there. It’s possible they don’t need to, as the adults in the audience doing stuff like booing the shit out of him and throwing shirts back while a bunch of little kids are losing their minds because they would have killed for a shirt might be even better.

By: Crashspike22

08.23.2011 @ 4:50 PM

Yes for live blogging Super smash smackdown brawl 18 and another yes for best/worst for Friday’s Smackdown. and of course my FAVORITE LINE EVER….

The Miz held the WWE Championship for 163 days, and his only victories in that span were disqualifications and Alex Riley Guardian Force summons.

I was on the fucking floor.

By: YeshMan

08.23.2011 @ 4:51 PM

That Murderface “zazz” line had me rolling, and a Guardian Force reference? Jesus man, you tryin to make me gay for you?

By: Brandon

08.23.2011 @ 4:56 PM

@YeshMan – Best case scenario!

By: Skooch

08.23.2011 @ 4:51 PM

Destiny is a stone cold fox, and one of many reasons you should follow @MrBrandonStroud on Twitter, as he occasionally will #humblebrag about her. Also, wonderful vid on the YouTubes of the shirt being thrown back[www.youtube.com]

By: Keyser Sosa

08.23.2011 @ 4:57 PM

Brandon,

How do you remember everything? There is no way in hell I would have ever in my life thought of Carl Winslow wrestling ever again, until you mentioned it.

Also, why no best for “I’M FLYING!”?

By: Brandon

08.23.2011 @ 5:02 PM

@Keyser – Because he does it a lot when he does the springboard. Like when people were all “did he say It’s Clobberin’ Time? Awesome!” at Money in the Bank when he’s been doing it since like 2007.

And yeah, I’ve got a pretty weird memory. I can remember asinine bullshit from 100 years before I was born, but couldn’t tell you what my fourth grade teacher’s name.

By: coked_up_jesus

08.23.2011 @ 5:07 PM

What’s this? What’s Jack Tunney doing in the Impact Zone.

Also next week…CM Punk takes RAW hostage for the first 20 minutes. Everything old is new again.

By: Huh

08.23.2011 @ 5:07 PM

I would like Eve Torres is a bikini. I miss the Summer Slam commercials.

By: Lorenzo de'Medici

08.23.2011 @ 5:14 PM

Rob Van Dam is the worst thing ever, its nice that someone else thinks so too.

By: Gonzo

08.23.2011 @ 5:17 PM

I can’t believe you spent 400 words bashing Punk’s speech where he said that HHH keeps his cell phone and balls in Stephanie’s purse. The line was perfect, as was the delivery. And totally unexpected to hear balls in that context.

By: Brandon

08.23.2011 @ 5:18 PM

@Gonzo – I’m not sure “bashing” is what I did. I just think at some point he’s got to go to another zinger besides “you are married to Stephanie”.

By: Huh

08.23.2011 @ 5:27 PM

Also the your balls are in your wife’s purse is said by every guy who has a friend who is married.

Please live blog every Smackdown. That would give me a reason to muster up an argument when my wife wants to watch HGTV. Right now the best I can come up with is ” … but Daniel Bryan might not lose”.

By: boxcar45

08.23.2011 @ 5:41 PM

I think the “Don’t do what Rob Van Dam does” line would’ve been just a tad funnier if you’d gone full-boar and written, “Don’t Do What Robby Don’t Does”, and then watched 90% of your audience not get it, and say “He could have made that clearer”.

Also, how great was Truth’s “What’s Up Feat. The Miz (Lil’ Jimmy Remix)”? If they’re going to give him that awful song back as an entrance theme, the least they can do is have him use it to insult the crowd (and have most of them probably not realize he’s doing it).

By: imgoingcrazy

08.23.2011 @ 5:51 PM

Brandon, amazing as always and this is where I do my happy flail dance over you talking about actually doing a best and worst for Smackdown. :| but I will continue to lobby for it until I see it with my own eyes.

As for the part at the end with Del Rio actually looking angry and not like someone pretending where you aware that was one of the hardest parts for him? He’s mentioned a few times that learning to sell with his face was difficult after spending so many years under the mask. It blows my mind he had trouble with it when to me he’s the best person on the roster to convey feelings.

By: johnewarren

08.23.2011 @ 5:57 PM

Woke my wife up laughing at the ADR belt-shot. Cena was *positive* he was gunning for his face.

Couldn’t agree with you more about the middle ground in women’s wrestling (i.e. there really is none that works). Explaining “Divas” to my wife (a new wrestling fan) kind of made me sad — “well, they suck a lot at wrestling and now they’re not allowed to be explicitly sexy….so there’s…there’s not much appeal. At all.”

Prefer they go full-Joshi, but they need to head toward one extreme or the other to hold my dumb attention.

By: Zac Romero

08.23.2011 @ 5:58 PM

I whole hardily agree with your points about Lawler’s commentary last night. Holy shitballs. It’s one thing to build heat with a wrestler, Jesse Ventura and Bobby the Brain were doing it plenty in ’87.

JV: “Let me tell ya something, Gorilla, I heard from a reliable source that The Pukester Hulk Hogan beats cuddly animals and farts in the mouths of the elderly in his spare time.”

Not

JL: “Despite overwhelming evidence, I think this wrestler is boring and no one should watch him.”

There should be an attempt at meaning behind anything on WWE TV. Be it a push for popularity, or just to establish what this character is supposed to be, not “ramblings of an old wrestling pedophile” on ringside.

By: Slideshow Bob

08.23.2011 @ 6:09 PM

come for the wrestling, stay for the Dragonball Z refrences. great post as always Brandon.

By: Simon

08.23.2011 @ 6:17 PM

Did you seriously just pretend you don’t know the name of the girl from Paramore?

You are fooling nobody, doggo. You are fooling absolutely nobody.

By: Brandon

08.23.2011 @ 6:20 PM

@Simon – I absolutely know her name, but if I’m like “it involves Hayley!” it doesn’t convey the same message as “the cute girl from Paramore”.

By: Grizzly Beariat

08.23.2011 @ 6:20 PM

I’m sorry, but they’re not called “Ghan-Am Connection”. They’re called Korn, and that’s all the discussion we’re having about it.

By: Stu Finkle

08.23.2011 @ 6:20 PM

Don’t tell us not to call Cena gay on the first page and then call him gay yourself on the second. It’s confusing, and we’re relying on you to make all this make sense with your writing each week… I feel scared and alone now

By: Dennis

08.23.2011 @ 6:26 PM

Good lord, I loved the Shane McMahon jumping chair shot on The Rock from No Way Out in 2000. Also, BRB: The Chris Benoit Story is awesome. Well done.

By: 85

08.23.2011 @ 6:28 PM

Morrison is just pissing me off at this point. He and Del Rio had a pretty damn good match last night, but he just can’t stop fucking up the stuff that makes it look like he’s in an honest to goodness fight. Get to a goddamn boxing gym, learn how to throw a punch, and then learn how to pretend to do that.

I thought it was kinda funny and a little sad when Punk said Santa wasn’t real at 9:10pm, probably with a shitload of little kids still watching. And even though the earth moved under my feet today, the picture of the Bushwhackers and Carl Winslow is easily the most amazing thing to happen to me today. Nice job as always, B.

By: Buddy Christ

08.23.2011 @ 6:32 PM

BRB: The Chris Benoit Story

It is nigh impossible to stifle the laugh that produced. And I have a desk job. Also, I’m going to hell for it probably, but thanks for at least making it worth it.

As always, love the B&W. Best part of my Tuesdays.

/Yes to any B&W you want to do.

By: JT

08.23.2011 @ 6:39 PM

These are so entertaining. Any chance of a Super Smackdown Best/Worst?

By: Joseph A.

08.23.2011 @ 6:41 PM

I am having a fear for whatever PPV is next. I doubt Punk can hit the GTS on Nash because of size, leaving him with the Anaconda Vice finish. However, even at 53 and washed up(if he ever had a prime), anyway see Big Kev tapping?

Also, I was digging Otungacutty’s “We’re losing these belts soon” outfits. Very Streets of Rage 2.

By: k

08.23.2011 @ 6:46 PM

John Cena cool
John Cena win
John Cena champion

By: Panther Joe

08.23.2011 @ 6:50 PM

Riddle me this, Brandon….why was Bate-man (that’s how he should pronounce it) hanging and champagning with the faces last night? Do the worlds of NXT and non-NXT WWE not exist on a similar plane? Because Bate-man is pretty big jerk on that show. “As the leprechaun turns…!!”

By: DC

08.23.2011 @ 7:09 PM

I’d like to present Exhibit A regarding “cars and wrestling working together”: the time Big Bossman crashed Big Show’s dad’s funeral with his Blues Brothers police car and stole the casket.

By: imgoingcrazy

08.23.2011 @ 7:10 PM

@Panther Joe

NXT seems to exist in its own little world. What happens there tends to be ignored on RAW and Smackdown.

By: FunkyWarmMedina

08.23.2011 @ 7:36 PM

actually started choking at BRB: The Chris Benoit Story.
/not a joke but works

By: El Superbeasto

08.23.2011 @ 7:40 PM

I am loving Alberto Del Rio for all of the reasons you’ve pointed out. He keeps getting better every week.

I’m also getting a good feeling seeing a champion defend the the title and win cleanly. It definitely makes a champ more legit and a real tough challenge when he holds the belt for a long period of time.

By: Destiny

08.23.2011 @ 7:41 PM

Another awesome article. The best part is asking people to send you something funny that they’ve written as proof.. haha. You’re crazy. :P

By: Ewzzy

08.23.2011 @ 7:46 PM

You’re so right when you say that ADR lives in the WWE universe. Cena used to live there till CM Punk pulled him out, so he should hate Rio for getting away with what he couldn’t. I wish that was his reason for hating him. Del Rio is so unironic and sincere in his character that I was angry when they started “shooting” on him in the open. I can’t wrap my head around why Cena would hate him so much while crushing on Punk so bad.

By: Ragingape

08.23.2011 @ 7:48 PM

Good stuff again. The stuff about holding a purse rang so true. Sorry I don’t have heavy comments. I haven’t seen any of the show at all. I’m in favor of a live blog even though I won’t be around to participate. Bummer.

My recommendation for a running gag is “B=Best!!11”

I’d try to be in the running to do one of these things but I won’t be ordering the PPV and don’t have cable so I only watch Raw later in spurts.

By: A Raptor

08.23.2011 @ 7:51 PM

The more and more I watch it, the more and more I think the whole Beth Phoenix & Natalya vs. Kelly Kelly et. all is just the same plot they were going to do with Awesome Kong, just with Beth Phoenix & Natalya taking her place.

What I would love to see is to see Beth Phoenix squash the women wrestlers for a while, then have a reboot of a cruiserweight division that they can put her in. You can’t tell me they can’t find 5 or six guys in indy feds that can do some flippy shit that would be wiling to lose to her.

By: Hambo Jr

08.23.2011 @ 7:53 PM

This is infinitely better than reading through a half dozen Bleacher Report slideshows. Best and Worst of Smackdown you say? YES!

By: Panther Joe

08.23.2011 @ 7:53 PM

Man, Hayley circa “Pressure” video….I would deeeeee-stroy that. Great write-up as always (my first comment was pre-read). Can’t wait for SD/podcast stuff, but screw vacations. Unless you can arrange for Matt Hardy to fill in…that would be gold.