Lindsay Lohan’s father claimed that she’s working as a high-class escort. Dads! So embarrassing! He later clarified that he didn’t mean she was having sex for money, he meant that she was getting paid to go to birthday parties. Because that’s what high-class escorts do.

Newsreaders, Adult Swim’s Children’s Hospital spin-off, premieres Thursday at midnight, but here it is right now because midnight is far away and Dan Rather’s “second career as part of the dirty-South hip-hop scene” requires your immediate attention. Also: The first episode of Kroll Show is free on iTunes. Missing you, Stu: “It’s not a bird, it’s me, it’s Stu.”