7. Advice

Separation and divorce - First Aid Kit

Children need ongoing reassurance from their parents that the children
were not responsible for the divorce. They need a truthful explanation
of the divorce i.e. what will happen and where they stand but not unnecessary
details. They need to be reassured by both parents by consistent contact
through visits, and phone calls. Parents should avoid criticism of the
other parent to the child or in the presence of the child. Try not to use
the child as a messenger between parents.

Dealing with divorce / separation out of court

Staying out of the courts is a good option. Lawyers get paid more the longer
a case goes on. It is therefore financially in their interests to provoke
as much problems as possible. Remember that as a man there is little chance
of getting justice through the courts. It may be possible to get more contact
and spend less money by negotiating directly with the mother. Mediation
may help here. Remember to get all agreements in writing and witnessed
if possible. Remember that the agreement may not stand in any future court
case. Remember also that a mother may choose not to honor an agreement,
at anytime, for any random reason even when it is an agreement that she
devised and wrote. However even a court order is not a protection against
this kind of behavior since mothers regularly flout court contact orders
with impunity and judges rarely do anything about this [Telegraph 8-Sep-96].

Dealing with divorce / separation through the courts

What to do before court

1) Get a good solicitor who is either known to you or a friend or an
organisation such as FNF. Listen carefully to the advice and write it down
or tape record it. You may decide to be a litigant in person in the court.
If you do this you are best advised to take a 'McKenzie' friend who has
experience of the courts and who can advise you before you go to court.
If you do not know anyone to act as a McKenzie friend then an organization
called LIPS can help arrange a McKenzie friend for you. To make sure the
McKenzie friend is accepted take to court a piece of paper stating:

A friend in Court, in the XXXXX court, Matter no. xxxxx.
To the Clerk of the Court:
At the hearing before xxxxx on xx date it is my intention to act in
person and be accompanied by a friend. Litigants in person are entitled
to the presence of a friend arising from the following:
* Rules of the Supreme Court, Order 35 rule 7/1
* County Courts Act 1984, Section 60 (notes).
* McKenzie v. McKenzie {1970} 3 WLR 472.
* 06-May-97 The Times in Ray H
In order to avoid unnecessary delay on the day of the hearing, please
will you place this letter before the court and confirm to me that there
is no objection to my proposed course of action.
Signed xxx (litigant in person).

2) Always try to remember that a father has as much right to have contact
with the children as the mother.
3) Be whiter than white in the eyes of the children, judge, court welfare
service, any other relevant party.
4) Remember that the children's act is there for all parties, not just
the children, use it
5) Stand fast and try not to listen to uninformed sources, as they
are often not up to date with the system. You have to fight for your right's
- they will not fall at your feet.
6) Make a parenting diary and put all past details and incidents in
this diary on the day they occurred. Put down a summary of all contact,
and phone calls with the children and also your ex partner. This diary
can be used as evidence of your track record.

Directions hearing

This normally lasts 5-10 minutes. The hearing will determine what action
should be taken to determine the arrangements for the children. Where children
are involved they will normally order a court welfare officer.

Court Welfare Officers Report

Make sure that the court welfare officer sees you together with the children.
Do not take the court welfare officers report as gospel, they have only
a limited idea of the situation, with regard to your children's domestic
or educational needs. There are a few books that may help:

Family court welfare work - Probation Service work brown book
Court Welfare Work: Research, Practice, and Development by Adrian James
Hull university (1992) FNF office
The Court Welfare in action - research into procedures Adrian James

Be careful of some common 'Welfare Report' inversions:

he brought his child toys ('threatened to setup an alternative home'),
played with his child ('overstimulated' him), fed him at mealtimes (showing
the child was 'hungry'), let him fall asleep in a car on the way home ('exhausted'
him), is upset at not seeing his child (is 'emotionally unstable' and/or
has 'low self-esteem'), said he would take his wife to court for contact
('threatened' her).

Court hearing

The court case can vary a great deal. Very much depends on how well the
parents cooperate. In general it is probably best to prepare your case
very well and prepare for the worst. In some cases there can be a number
of false accusations such as marital rape, and child abuse. A well prepared
case and being represented by someone who operates well in court is the
best defence against such accusations.

The courts are supposed to decide 'in the best interests of the children'.
The best case will therefore be made around well prepared arrangements
for the benefit the child. i.e. stability, security, activities, meals,
and school.

Remember above all that all the studies show that a child does best
when it has contact with both parents. The court may try and establish
the traditional contact of every other weekend and half the school holidays
with the father. A good quote to dismiss this is from Mr Llwyd in the house
of Lords 17-Jun-96 in the family law bill debate. He said:

"The evidence overwhelmingly points to a llack of concern by the public
and the courts about children's loss of parents. Residence orders are often
understood as custody and may be in favour of only one parent. The other
parent may be given a contact order to visit, or be visited by, the child
at weekends, for example. That is not sufficient to exercise meaningful
parental responsibility. The courts are often reluctant to enforce that
minimal contact."

Contact

The visiting parent should give an indication of the childs whereabouts

Leave a contact telephone number if the child is away for a long period.

Every effort should be made to keep to agreed timescales and phone if late.

Avoid making negative comments about the other parent

Keep the contact consistent if the child is young.

Lengthy contact allows a parent-child relationship to develop best.

Parental Alienation Syndrome

The Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS) is the systematic
denigration by one parent by the other with the intent of alienating the
child against the other parent. The purpose of the alienation is usually
to gain or retain custody without the involvement of the father. The alienation
usually extends to the father's family and friends as well.