A nun gets into a cab and notices that the driver can’t stop staring at her. So she asks him why is he staring and he answers, “I have a question I need to ask you but I don’t want to offend you.”

The nun replies, “My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you have had a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”

Halloween jokes for adults

The cab driver hesitates for a moment and then says, “Well it’s like this; I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun perform oral sex on me.”

Halloween jokes for adults

The nun replies, “Ok well, let’s see what we can do about that, shall we. There are two conditions though – firstly you have to be single and secondly you must be Catholic.”

The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, yes! I am single and I’m Catholic too!”

The nun then says, “Ok then, pull into the next alley.”

Halloween jokes for adults

The cab driver does so and the nun duly goes ahead and fulfills his fantasy. They get back on the road and start driving again, but the cab driver soon starts to cry.

The nun sees this and asks him, “My dear child, pray tell, why are you crying?”

Halloween jokes for adults

The cab driver says, “You must forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied to you – I must confess that I’m married and I’m also Jewish.”

The nun laughs and says, “That’s OK, my name is Kevin and I’m on my way to a Halloween party.”

Halloween jokes for adults

I just popped over to my Grandma’s, and you’ve got to hand it to her. At 96, she had all the Halloween decorations up, cobwebs and insects in the windows and a skeleton on the couch.

She always makes a big effort, but there was no answer… I’ll pop back next year.

Halloween jokes for adults

Me and my girlfriend were going to a Halloween party last year and my girlfriend came down the stairs wearing nothing but boots.

I asked her “What are you suppose to be?”

She said, “Puss in boots.”

So I went into the kitchen and put a potato on my penis. When I came back out, she asked me, “What are you suppose to be?”

I said, “If you can be puss in boots, then I can be a dictator…”

Halloween jokes for adults

Halloween jokes for adults

My wife felt like she’d seen a new caring considerate side to me after I spent the day making treats for the Halloween callers yesterday.

I really hope they appreciated my home made toffee onions.

Halloween jokes for adults

I visited a real graveyard this Halloween…

I logged back in to Google Plus.

Halloween jokes for adults

I think it’s a real shame that today’s young people don’t even know why we really celebrate Halloween.

None of us would be here today if Jesus hadn’t slain that giant pumpkin.

Halloween jokes for adults

My favorite thing to do on Halloween is walk through the burns unit at the hospital and congratulate everyone on their Freddy Kruger costumes.

I’m going trick or treating with my mum tonight.

It’s the only time I can take her out as she’s been dead for ten years.

Halloween is easily the scariest night of the year, what with the dead rising from their graves…

and fat girls thinking they look sexy dressed as cats.

Halloween jokes for adults

Last Halloween there was a knock on the door. I looked out of the window and then shouted upstairs to my wife, “Honey there’s a witch at the door. What shall I do?”

She shouted back, “Just give her some candy and tell her to get lost.”

My mother-in-law hasn’t spoken to me since.

Halloween jokes for adults

How’s everyone holding up? It’s just crazy out there! I’ve killed 25 zombies so far! And why the hell are they all carrying candy?

Halloween jokes for adults

My wife said to me yesterday, “Honey, I think we should do something really scary for the kids this Halloween.”

I said, “Well, we could always take them to your mother’s.”

Halloween jokes for adults

The best part about Halloween is that the cobwebs in my house look like decorations.

I had a big row with my wife last Halloween. I yelled at her, “When you finally die, I’m getting you a headstone that says, ‘Here Lies My Wife – Cold As Ever’.”