Three Things About Last Night's American Idol: Can We Please Get Some Krautrock? Edition

(Last week the judges used their lone save on Michael Lynche, affording him another week, but also forcing a double elimination this week. So we are still left with 9 contestants still on the board. Any typical episode of American Idol only features about three crucial data-points. These are those data-points. You’re welcome.)

Adam Lambert is the best and worst thing that ever happened to American Idol. Last season he was an absolute force, a swaggering, gifted singer with balls and blush to spare. He also represented the logical conclusion for Idol. In finishing second to that field mouse called Kris Allen he proved that despite talent and charisma and enough sharkskin suits to shut down production on Deep Blue Sea, the best rarely finishes first. Since that moment when Allen, literally gobsmacked, accepted the Idol title, things have been downhill. The show paid a small penance tonight by asking Lambert to mentor this year’s contestants for Elvis Presley Week, the first time an Idol alum has had such a duty. That Lambert’s advice often just amounted to "Be more fabulous!" was besides the point. He was back where he belonged.

THE GOOD THING: In the recent documentary Still Bill, Bill Withers recounts a disturbing story: During the late ’70s, while Withers was struggling to maintain his string of hits, a white ecutive at CBS Records, the label that had adopted him, suggested he record Elvis’ "In The Ghetto." It would be impossible to properly explain the look of shock and disdain this brings to Withers’ face, but we’ll say this: Dude was pissed. Such a sociological struggle or personal crisis never crossed Michael Lynche’s mind though. He grabbed the song, turning it quieter and gentler than ever, hoping to avoid being voted off for a second consecutive week. And it was good! (Hear it here.) Even though it wasn’t a particularly conscientious choice.

THE BAD THING: Ryan Seacrest, what have ye done? Seacrest is Idol’s secret juju, a talisman in a bespoke suit. He is sharp and quick-witted, efficient in his duties, and quietly the funniest person on network television (sorry Big Bang Theory guys!). But his moves are risky, veering into cheese or, worse, mean-spiritedness. And tonight he was a disaster. Here’s a quick rundown of his inappropriate evening: In pre-performance conversation with the openly gay Lambert he responded to a comment about singing with "My tongue is not nearly as talented as your tongue." Tasteful. During Tim Urban’s stunningly decent "Can’t Help Falling In Love" he was seen on camera slow-dancing with a stagehand. Gross. Then, in introducing Lee DeWyze while walking through the audience, he got in an old woman’s face and used the word "suck." Irresponsible. He was also seen creepily clutching Ellen DeGeneres’ shoulders at times. Later, when giving details on the upcoming Idol Gives Back charity bonanza spectacular clusterfuck he said, deadpan as all get out, that his fallen one-time co-host and eternal punching bag Brian Dunkleman would return to co-host the episode. But nope, just joshing, it’s actually the very famous and omnipresent Queen Latifah who will be co-hosting. Dunkleman, you can go back to eating that garbage you found between dividers on the 405.

Bad form, Seacrest. You’re better than that.

THE OTHER THING: Elvis Week? Seriously, Idol producers? So we’ve done Rolling Stones, Beatles, R&B, and Billboard Hits themes. Likely to come: Country and Disco weeks. This is brutal, nine years on. What’s it going to take to get something with some zest, some originality? Would it kill someone to get Krautrock week going? Only half-kidding here.

NEXT WEEK: Two will get the chop tonight, which means we might be down to only two hours of Idol per week. Between that and the Dow at 11,000, we’re feeling flush.

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