Quick review: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014)

Gods was that terrible as a TMNT movie. It was a perfectly serviceable summer action movie–which is to say it’s incredibly dumb, all pointless spectacle and plot holes, the movie version of a candy bar full of empty calories. But you could replace the CG turtles with four live action fill-in-the-blank roles, change the names of the other characters (even Super Samurai Robot Action Shredderzord, which made me laugh like crazy every time he plomped around on screen) and it just becomes every other summer action movie. This film had no soul, let alone that familiar feel I expect from the various TMNT universes. This was another Michael Bay “the bad guys are terrorists wearing black and at the end they destroy part of the city until enough things explode/enough buildings crumble” wankfest with the turtles pasted in as an after-thought. And never mind how stupid the villains’ plot was to begin with–Do you really think if you develop super-science mutagen the easiest way to make money with it is holding a city hostage instead of selling that mofo for big bucks to the highest bidder, like say the world’s militaries?–because the last 10 minutes were pretty much cut whole cloth from The Amazing Spider-Man. So not only was it boring (like TASM), it was a re-run.

(…Also like TASM. Huh. Anyway…)

The Foot Clan weren’t even ninja for cripes sake, they were terrorists with automatics and explosives. Hell, the turtles themselves weren’t really ninjas anymore than the average dude who watches enough YouTube videos to think he’s Daniel-san. I get the feeling they put more thought into the product placement than they did the plot or (hahaha) character development when they were writing the script… but what am I saying? Wrote the script? They just copy-pasted bits and pieces of Transformers, GI Joe and every other quick cash-in that’s come out in the past ten years and painted CGI turtles over the leads. Throw in a few catch-phrases because the focus groups say that’s what the kids like and… Yeah.

Oh, and Splinter looked fake. Sooooo fake. Like bad CG from a bargain bin PS2 game fake. I was roaring with laughter during the scene when he and Shredderzord fight. Both characters looked so ridiculous and fake that my brain interpreted it as parody, like some YouTube Poop video made in Gary’s Mod.

Bet it sells a decent number of the ugly official toys though, and that’s what it’s all about.