Spoof news stories from Tuesday 14 February 2012

QPR have flown all of their fans to the Algarve for a week's holiday as they seek to make the most of a two-week break in fixtures.
With no match this saturday, the club are using the opportunity to give 15,000 exhausted supporters a mid-season br...

A Bedford man has died after a date who had manipulated his penis refused to make him ejaculate.
James 'Fishlips' Dwyer, 21, a 2nd year sports psychology student at the University of Bedfordshire was found dead on Monday afternoon by a housemate.

WASHINGTON --- Vice President Xi Jinping expected to be leader of China in 2013, arrived in Washington today and was greeted by Vice President Joe Biden. After meeting in the Roosevelt Room at the White House, they had lunch in the State Dining Room...

NEW YORK CITY - Just in time to warm things up a bit, the 2012 edition of Sports Illustrated's Swimsuit Issue has hit the stands.
And this year's cover girl is 19-year-old Kate Upton. Kate "The Great" as everyone of her boyfriends has called her a...

PASADENA, CA - Never one to skirt a controversy, STAR WARS' creator George Lucas has offered to - once again - set the record straight so far as he's concerned with matters involving a galaxy far, far away.
"For years, there's been this brewi...

A local woman has changed her name by deed poll after suffering years of abuse.
The previously-named Ms Gavrilo Princip, of Trafalgar Close, first realised something was wrong when she was about 15 years old.
"We were doing the causes of the Fi...

Manchester United's manager, Sir Alex Ferguson, 70, has shown his first signs of dementia by claiming that Manchester is nearer Barcelona than Madrid!
This astonishing geographical error is proof that the 70 year-old Scot should actually have b...

Sean Penn has promised Argentina's President, Evita (oops, sorry wrong film), lovely Cristina Kirchner, who's actually of "German" descent, that he will fight for the rights of her great country, join the army and defeat the British colonial rulers s...

A charity street fundraiser from East London has been told to 'fuck off' by a member of the public for a record 100,000th time.
Out-of-work over-actor and charity street fundraiser David Blande from Stratford reached the previously unheard of mile...

Evolution crackpot Richard Dawkins today embarrassed himself by conveniently 'forgetting' the racist full title to Charles Darwin epic work of fiction.
Commonly known as 'The Origin of Species', it's full title is in fact 'On the Origin of Species...

Two men paddled furiously, the canoe making little headway.
a scorching sun, high in the sky, bore down on thier backs, making the task arduous and painful.
"We've run out water sir!". Shouted private Parts.
"Dam!" Replied Colonel Colon. "We will have to drink our own urine until we can find a stream of pond, dig in Parts!"
"No sir! I mean we have run out of river, there is no more water...

Richard Dawkins, famous atheist, known for his work on Darwin's theory of evolution has upset the Bishops by suggesting only about a half of British citizen say they are Christians and of those most don't believe most of it anyway and only go to Chur...

Evolution buffs are today mourning the death of the fabled 'hydrothermal vent' theory for the origins of life. It was mused among eccentrics that somehow, life began in these mystical vents all by itself, millions of years ago.
However, Professor...

The Associated Press is reporting this morning that a leaked internal memo from Mitt Romney to his campaign staff instructs them to…"Turn on the green light, the man wants a green suit!"
The saying is evidently an old saying from the men's clothi...

In response to consumer demand for more ecology oriented automotive features, car manufacturers will be introducing a new line of optional trunk monkeys to help save on accessory power usage, thus reducing the car's overall carbon footprint.
Takin...

CARLOS TEVEZ has accused Roberto Mancini of treating him 'like a dog' and branded the Manchester City boss 'a liar'.
The Argentine returns to City today after three months on strike. He blasted Mancini as he recalled the Champions League game v Ba...

Starting in Europe, a sharp rise in medical emergencies was detected in at least seven countries beginning this February 14, Valentines Day. The trend has reportedly continued west into Canada and the United States but is apparently affecting only...

10. DunkinDonuts fined one trillion dollars for serving sugar donuts to the underaged.
9. Washington D.C. Metro system closes until all escalators are repaired.
8. China approves U.S. budget for 2021.
7. Representative Nancy Pelosi still doesn't know what's in Obamacare.
6. U.S. forces the Catholic Church to take-up Sunday collections for Planned Parenthood in order for the Church...

In an unprecedented move in the computer software industry, Microsoft have indicated that their next generation Operating System, Windows 8, will be released on time.
"It was scheduled for release in June 2012," said Irvine Collateral, Microsoft r...

A Clerkenwell woman has been named London's Worst Cyclist 2011 at the prestigious London Cycling Like a Dick Awards.
22 year old Fashion Magazine editorial assistant Tamara Okyaa scooped the award last night at the Hoxton hotel ceremony after dazz...

HARFOLD, Vt. - In a recent study released by Harfold State College, nine of out 10 college males answered, "NOT!" when asked if the Mona Lisa was hot.
The survey was conducted last Friday night in Nate Horner's dorm room where he and nine of his f...

Rangers, the beleaguered, debt-ridden Scottish football giants appear to have devised a cunning but legally dubious plan to evade the close attentions of the UK tax authorities who claim they are owed two trillion pounds in back taxes and national in...

Editor of App World! Max Buck knows all about a mother-in-law coming to stay.
"There's a mixed blessing to being divorced," he said. "On the one hand, I miss my wife. But on the other, I no longer have to see my mother-in-law. My wife did offer me...

CABO SAN LUCAS, Mexico - Selena Gomez and her boyfriend Justin Bieber flew down to Cabo San Lucas for a few days to celebrate the end of her very successful South American Music Tour.
Gomez speaking in the restaurant of The Whole Enchilada Hotel &...

HOLLYWOOD - Bruce Willis recently stated that he has tried to stay out of the May-December marital mess of his ex-wife Demi Moore, 49, and her boy-toy husband Ashton "The Itch" Kutcher, 34.
Willis, who fathered three semi-good looking daughters wi...

Washington,D.C.-The ever friendly Budgie, a perky bird if ever there was one, is dominating the political scene in Washington, D.C. these days like few topics have in recent history.
Whether they're debating the best foods for their fine feathered...

A sad Valentine's day letter.
My Dearest Consuela:
I cannot believe a month has passed since we were separated from each other and I miss you terribly. We met accidently while you were serenading at the Little Mermaid statue in Copenhagen Denmark harbor.
It was love at first sight and we had some good times together. But we both knew our affair could not last, as we come from two differe...

When I opened my eyes I saw red coals, licking flames. My left leg was burning. Above me, giant faces loomed; they were contorted hideously. Had I truly descended to hell?
I had not. I looked about me. I was in the sitting room at 221b Candlestick Maker Street. The faces were those of Inspector Stanley Livingstone Stanley and - my God! - could it really be my friend Shylock Humes? I moaned, an...

COON RAPIDS, MN-When six-year-old Jimmy Francis traded in his old model cars for a brand new red model Corvette, his parents knew something wasn't right. But it wasn't until he started spending a lot more time with three-year-old neighbor girl Haley...