some classic stand up

Uploaded 05/06/2008

A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. â€˜You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?â€™ she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, â€˜I didnâ€™t know there were any witnesses. Now Iâ€™ll have to kill you too.
I went to the 30th reunion of my preschool. I didnâ€™t want to go, because Iâ€™ve put on like a hundred pounds.
New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time, most of it unsolved.
Iâ€™m not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge.
Iâ€™ve had a wonderful evening - but this wasnâ€™t it.