Thursday, 21 May 2015

Dear Owls, happiness

Dear Owls,

Today in psychology, we learn about happiness. We speak about it, all knowing that we are all wounded soldiers walking on this battlefield. We become more fragile when we speak about death, divorce and depression- the three D's. I notice, some people think that happiness can be taken away from them, others believe if they have it once, they can learn to have it again. There is a silent boy in my class who doesn't speak. He listens to the answers of many and contemplates then scribbles something in his notebook. I wonder what he's thinking. I wonder if he's happy. I wonder, does he know that far from the room, there is a girl who's looking at him, anticipating a response. Every class, he speaks once. All he says is that life is hard and everybody has a different perception of misery.

I wonder what he means. I wonder if he's happy.

Today in psychology, the teacher told us that boredom is worse than depression. She explained to us that boredom can mentally destroy our happiness because we begin to feel that life is a routine and our life has no meaning. I wonder if I'm happy. I wonder if watching other people in my class helps me understand humanity or leaves me with more questions. There is a girl in my class that nods her head whenever someone says something like, "...but that isn't always the case." regardless of what we are speaking about. It's almost like this girl, with her hands on her bag and her eyes on the class, is waiting for someone to speak for her; and she'll applaud them with a simple nod. I watch this girl and I anticipate her nods. I wonder if she's happy.

I watch the class and I think about the many things that we all must be going through. I wonder if this lesson will leave us with anything but doubts about happiness. I wonder if we're happy. I look over at the text projected on the board; "Your past does not define you." and I think to myself, "so why does it bring me down so much?"

Why does everything that has happened bring me down sometimes. Why does it remind me of the times I thought I was happy; maybe I was happy? More importantly; Am I happy now? Yes.

But nothing changed. Everything is still as jumbled up as it has been for a year now- I just woke up one day and decided I wouldn't cry about it again.

So, I didn't.

I am happy, but I'm also human, which entails that I won't be happy all the time. We all have those days where we think life isn't on our side. But what got me through everything is God. If He's on my side, then I genuinely don't care who else is.

It's a strange concept, happiness. It opens up a lot of doors and I doubt a university course could find the keys to this doors. I think about the people in the class and I wonder how many of them are happy. I scribble down a number on my notebook and smile.

I wonder, if I was right in my estimation. Then again, everybody's number changes due to their perception of happiness.