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Friday, November 18, 2011

Getting Through the Holiday's Without Your Loved One

I will begin by admitting this is my least favorite time of year. Perhaps it has something to do with the fact that while alive my mother went overboard during the holidays. She would spend weeks thinking and planning for Thanksgiving and Christmas. Our final holiday together was Christmas, 1988.

Since that time I have immersed myself in keeping those alive whose lives are often in jeopardy as a result of intimate partner violence and stalking. In many ways I have placed my life in the unimportant category so others, strangers really, most of whom I have never met in person, can leave with their life. The ones who are not able to reach me in time or "suddenly" go missing I write about or obtain coverage in the media while working with their families and various agencies in hopes of seeking justice. Knowing and understanding there will never be acceptance or closure while they remain on earth minus their world, the loved one who is never coming back.

With age comes wisdom. But with wisdom you also have memories often returning at times one least expects, the holidays. Missing that special person who is, or has not sat at a table with you since they were alive can be devastating and downright unbearable. Punishing yourself for something you had no control over, is in my opinion, a crime in and of itself.

We are meant to love others living our lives as best we can. Life is too short. In a blink of an eye one turns around and asks, when it is too late, where did the time go?

This year, instead of receiving letters or emails from families grieving, I would like to make a request. Send me your words of joy. Tell me what you did this year differently to honor your loved one. I will, if you do, post your words and pictures.

It is not wrong for you to feel angry, sad, or overwhelmed by impending holidays. Because you are not able to control these changes, you are bound to have feelings that conflict with what you used to feel during holidays. If others around you are not feeling the same, you may feel further alienated. What once made you happy and joyous may now make you feel sad and angry.

It is always difficult to live through holidays in the aftermath of intense tragedy. For victims and survivors, holidays are often marked with pain and anguished memories. What, in the past, may have been a time for family gatherings and celebration will be a time for missing loved ones and a sense of loss.

Plan ahead. Have a backup plan. Embrace the feelings - both good and bad Realize it doesn't have to be the best holiday ever - just get through it! Find something different to do. Go to a buffet instead of fixing the big meal. Leave town. Take the pressure off of yourself - don't fake it. Have reasonable expectations of yourself and others. Add something to your tradition that honors your loved one - light a candle create whatever holiday atmosphere you want and feel comfortable in your decisions.

For people who have lost a loved one, through death, divorce, or even relocation, big holidays throughout the following year often prove painful and difficult. Rituals that brought joy in years past serve instead as stark reminders of missing loved ones."Holidays can reawaken the grieving process," says Marianne Wamboldt, MD, Director of the Center for Stress and Anxiety Disorders at National Jewish Medical and Research Center. "It can be extremely painful. But there are ways to cope, things you can do to get through the holidays and even to find comfort.

At holiday time, many people are dealing with loss and are often caught in a dilemma between the need to grieve and the pressure to get into the spirit of the season. Holidays or not, it is important for the bereaved to find ways to take care of themselves. The following guidelines may be helpful:

A national trainer to law enforcement, training officers, prosecutors, judges, legislators, social service providers, healthcare professionals, victim advocates and the faith based community and author.. In partnership with Management Resources Ltd. of New York addressing prevention and solutions within the community to the workplace. Host of The Susan Murphy Milano Show, "Time's Up!" . She is a regular contributor to the nationally syndicated "The Roth Show" with Dr Laurie Roth and a co-host on Crime Wire. Online contributions: Forbes: Crime, She Writesproviding commentary about the hottest topics on crime, justice, and law from a woman’s perspective, as well as Time's Up! a blog which searches for solutions (SOS) for victims of crime.

1 comment:

Susan: Nothing can take away the fact that God has chosen you to walk this path alone in the name of your mother! However, you have many friends who speak your language and love you (including this writer) just the way you are... Your needs are very important! One of these days you'll know when it's time to put them first! We feel the pain most acutely during the holidays.... but just knowing you are always there ready to serve people you don't know, truly is the meaning of Thanksgiving..and all the other holidays!

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