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Nige

How’s it going?
I’m very happy today. I’ve been set a goal to make lots of new friends and I made a new friend today at the all-night chemist. He was called Spozz and I gave him three pounds because he’d just got out of prison and wanted to see his mum. He’s going to ring me tomorrow. I tried to give him my phone number but he said he could guess it.

You’re writing for this site because your primary goal in life didn’t work out. What was it?
My life goal is right on course. I’m going to be a famous genius rock singer. I’ve got two CDs coming out soon. They’re very good.

What were you like at school?

No one used to sit with me because I played with matches.

What is your all time favouritea) Album? Bizarre Fruit by The M People. I like to dance to it sometimes.

b)Film? Free Willy. The acting is so good and I love Willy too.

c) Book? I don’t read much but I love Jeremy Clarkson’s books.

d) Sitcom? Mrs Brown’s Boys. She’s a man really! So funny.

What’s your most treasured material possession?

My He-man figures. Fisto is my favourite.

What is the single best item of clothing you’ve ever owned?I don’t know really, I have someone who helps me with my clothes. She is called Karen. She got me a lovely coat from Matalan last year. It cost forty pounds.

Who is your favourite sportsperson ever?
I don’t like sport. At school they used to say to me, get in goal Nigel. They always used to make me go in goal. It wasn’t fair.
Other than property, what is the most expensive thing you’ve ever bought?
I don’t know really. My friend Kelly helps me when I need to buy things. I’m allowed twenty pounds a week to spend myself and I like to go to Pizza Hut or even sometimes buy some beers! Crazy!

What’s your poison?

I’m not allowed to touch the stuff under the sink.

Who is the funniest person you’ve ever met?The Chuckle Brothers. They turned the Christmas lights on in my village a few years ago and I talked to them. I laughed so much! They kept saying to me to you to me to you!

Pick five words to describe yourself.
I’m very clever and strong.
What’s in your pockets right now?

My mobile phone and my pencil and my card with my address on it that Kelly tells me I must always keep with me at all times.

Can you dance?

I really like to dance at my church disco at the end of every month. Sometimes they play Dancing In The Moonlight by Toploader and I just go mad!

Vinyl, Tape, CD or MP3?

I like CDs because I like using my CD player that Kelly got me for Christmas.

What are you most likely to complain about in a hotel?
I went on holiday to a hotel last week and I complained because they wouldn’t let me have my belt on and they took my shoelaces off my shoes so I had to wear my slippers.

What’s your most unpleasant characteristic?
Sometimes I can be a bit too clever for people and they don’t understand what I mean.

What’s your culinary speciality?
I’m not really allowed to do much cooking but I like to do pop tarts.

What single non-political thing winds you up the most?

The Storeman at my work. His name is Allen Miles but I call him Allen Piles. He bullies me and he is horrible to me and I go to the mangers about him all the time but they say it’s my own fault for drawing pictures of him and calling him a horrible arsehole. He is so mean to me and everyone laughs when he makes fun of me. He is a bad man.

What’s your greatest fear?

I’m frightened of Spiderman. I don’t see how a man can also be a spider. If he comes on telly I turn him off because I get confused and upset but not scared.

What music would you have played at your funeral?

I don’t know. I heard Kelly say to Karen the other day that if I die she’s going to play Beautiful Day by U2 so I should say that.

What do you see when you look in the mirror?
A great rock star.

Recite a line of the greatest lyric ever written.

I don’t want to see a ghost,

That’s the sight that I fear most,

Rather have a piece of toast,

Watch the evening news.
It’s by Des’ree. I love Des’ree so much that I got those lines as a tattoo on my arm.

Happiness is…
Drawing with my new crayons and writing great new songs!

What are your plans for this weekend?
Karen and John are driving me to the garden centre so i can get some compost and plant my seeds. Then on Sunday I will go to church and have a bacon sandwich when I get home! Great times!

Nige is a musician, comedian, writer, singer and all-round entertainer from East Yorkshire. He lives by himself in a flat but his friend Kelly comes rind to help him from time to time. Nige enjoys dancing to his M People CD, going to Pizza Hut and colouring-in.

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