That's what we thought in the beginning...4 years, 8 months and 28 days later, we finally got our BFP. Alexis Marie was born April 10, 2009 at 36w2d. We are now trying to find our way as parents of our miracle toddler.

Sunday, August 31, 2008

I saw my mom and dad for the first time today since telling them about the positive beta. They were SO excited...and DYING to tell people. We've asked those we've told not to say anything until after we see the heartbeat. We didn't want to tell everyone and then, God forbid, have something happen and then have to spread that news as well.

We went to Frankf0rt fest today. It's a suburban festival with lots of crafters and even a small carnival. We left only with kettle korn. Everything was super expensive, like $20 for a child's sweatshirt! And alot of the crafters all had the same thing. I did manage to snag some free dog treats from the Dog Barkery there.

Nothing else new going on. Waiting anxiously for Tuesday. I did POAS again this morning...just to make sure...LOL

Saturday, August 30, 2008

and I'm not used to this pg idea. It's like I'm living in a bubble...afraid it's going to burst and I'll go back to my "everyday" life. I'm anxiously awaiting Tuesday's results...need to make sure that my levels are doubling as they should.

Today, I'm just feeling blah. I woke up with a headache, and I'm afraid to take anything. I've peed about 6 times already today, all I want to do is sleep and I'm STARVING! I thought these things weren't supposed to kick in until a few weeks from now. LOL

Friday, August 29, 2008

So I'm still in a bit of shock. I can't actually believe I received a positive beta. I'm hesitant to use the p word yet as there are still so many things that could happen. But I've never gotten this far, so I'm happy to know that my body CAN accept an embie.

DH's reaction: priceless I put the bear and bib out on the rocking chair we have on our front stoop so that he would see it as he comes up the walk. I was standing just inside the door by the side windows with the camera to capture his face when he saw it. Can you believe he walked right past the bear and didn't even see it? When he came in the door he asked "So?" and I was like "I can't believe you didn't see it". When he finally did see the bear, he grabbed me in a hug and just broke down sobbing. Much like my initial reaction was. And I did get a pic, but I chopped off everything from his mouth up...so I kinda blew that. We went to dinner last night at L0ne Star steak house. I had skipped lunch because of my nerves, so by the time he got home, I was famished.

DH also said something to me this morning that I thought was very poignant. He basically told me not to forget where I came from, and to remember how I felt when I would read about other's BFPs. He's right...because I never would have made it emotionally without the support of the IF community, without all of you. You've all been there for me over this last year, and supported me, without even knowing me. And for that I thank you from the bottom of my heart. If I could hug each of you, I would.

Thanks for all the support...I'm still waiting!! It's 2pm CST now...if I don't hear something by 3:30 I'll be calling them. It's not like they were super busy this morning. There was no one there when I got there and only one girl came in after me! What the fuck!!??

It's noon here and still NO WORD! UUGGGHH this is killing me! Part of me is wishing I'd POAS already...then at least I'd "know" one way or the other! This waiting thing SUCKS! I'm getting NO work done!! UUUGGHHH!!

I'm back from having my blood drawn. My appt was at 8am, but I got there before 7:30. I woke up early and just couldn't sit around the house waiting. Luckily, they took me early as there wasn't anyone there waiting. I'm SO nervous...I feel like it's the first day of school or something. I have butterflies in my stomach...I really want this to be a good outcome. Though I feel like I'm out of the game. Last night and this morning, I started feeling like AF was going to arrive at any point. I'm scared, I'm excited, I'm nervous, I'm giddy all at the same time. Last cycle, based on the embies we transferred, I knew it would be negative then...plus I POAS then too. This time, the news will be completely unknown to me. We transferred one perfect 8 cell embie on day 3, I haven't POAS (Yea for me!).

I'll post once I get that call. The call that could change my life forever.

Edited to add: It's a gray day here in the Midwest...I hope that's not an indication of things to come.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

I've resisted the urge to POAS. It helps that there aren't any of those dreaded things in my house. So if I wanted to POAS, I'd have to go to the store and buy them. I drive past Tar.get everyday on my way home from work...and I've been tempted to stop. That's even the reason I haven't refilled my Thyr0id med. I'd have to walk right past the feminine products to get to the pharmacy.

The good thing is, DH and I talked about our plan if this beta tomorrow turns out negative. We'll cycle again...hopefully soon. But this time we'll do a 50/50 split of his sperm and donor sperm. That way we'll know if our issues are sperm quality or egg quality. I just hope we don't have to go that route and that Lucky has attached himself for the next 9 months.

I really need something to keep me busy today. My mind keeps wandering to all the what ifs and if onlys. Any suggestions?

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

This is what I keep telling myself. I really want to know NOW, but I'm holding out. Today, my gut is telling me it's not to be. I'm not sure why, but I just feel it. If I was OHSS last week, pg should have made it worse...but instead I got better. So I don't know what to think. I'm rambling. My optimism and positive thinking is becoming more of a conscious effort than a natural response, and it's becoming harder and harder to make that effort.

The best part is that my cousins DS#2's baptism is on 9/7...so if I do have a bad outcome, I have to deal with a newborn in less than 2 weeks. My heart will not be healed in 2 weeks...that I can guarantee you.

Monday, August 25, 2008

I'm growing increasingly nervous as beta day gets closer. Really, really, really nervous. I don't want to POAS simply because I don't want to see a negative. I know I said I was going to be positive and optimistic, but the negative feelings have started to creep in as I feel less and less like I could be the elusive pg. I don't want to see my DH crushed. He's so excited and wants this SO much...maybe even more than I do, if that's even possible. His heart will be broken...mine will be as well. It took me a long time last cycle to come to terms with our BFN. And we didn't even have any good embies. With this cycles, one "perfect" embie...my hopes were higher than before...which means the crash will hurt even more. I'm hoping that I'm fretting over nothing, but I feel nothing. No more twinges...no more pangs. My girls are still sore, but I know that could just be all the damn pr0gesterone I'm pumping into my body. That's it. There's nothing else that would tell me that Lucky is still around.

This is what I hate most about IF. It's not that the act of making a baby is no longer a romantic interlude between 2 people who love each other. The shots I can deal with, as well as the daily vagcam violations. I can handle that more people have seen my vajayjay in the last month than in my whole life before IF. No, what I hate the most is the not knowing part. The part where our hearts are pumped full of hope only to have them broken during a phone call that lasts only a few seconds.

Friday, August 22, 2008

DH did the cutest thing last night...and caught me completely off guard. He had just taken the Estraderm patches off my back so I could jump in the shower, and I was standing in front of him, when he RUBBED MY BELLY! At first, I was like, what ARE you doing? Then I remembered, we have a potential nugget in there. Took me a minute.

Still have the slight pangs in my pelvic region. I would describe them as feeling as if AF was eminent, but on a smaller scale. The pangs are consistently on my left...so I'm hoping that there are good things going on in there. TMI ALERT...My poop has returned to normal...THANK GOSH! There is nothing I hate more than being plugged up. I'm a every day type of gal, so when there are a few days in between, I'm not a happy camper.

I'm also not thrilled with the "pelvic rest" that was imposed on DH and I during this 2ww. DH especially. But if it works...it will all be worth it. If it doesn't...well, I won't go there, since gosh darnit this is going to work!! (Like my optimism there?)

Thursday, August 21, 2008

I had White Castle for lunch yesterday. Those of you who are familiar with the Midwestern chain know what kinds of digestive pyrotechnics often result from eating here. So since I was still a little plugged, I thought they'd help...and let me tell you...help they did. I was up ALL night in the bathroom. (TMI sorry) But the end result is that I'm completely cleaned out and feeling SO much better. Plus they taste better than any fiber supplement!

So, I'm feeling a whole lot of nothing...well, I do have the occasional twinge in my pelvic region, but that could be my ovaries shrinking, remnants of my digestive escapade last evening, the start of AF...or maybe, possibly, could it be, dare I say it? implantation? This is about the right time...but I have no other "signs". My previously painful boobs, are now just a little sore. I don't seem to have any mood issues, though DH might say otherwise. The only thing is that I can sleep forever. But I love to sleep, so this may just be nothing.

I have decided that I will not POAS. I will wait for the beta. I say that now, but I reserve the right to change my mind as beta day grows closer.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

OK...so I'm always confused on this. I had ET on Saturday...so does Saturday count as day 1? Or is Sunday day 1? Either way, I'm feeling better. I must have drank 3 bottles of gat0rade last night. I haven't gained weight...well if you count .2lbs then I guess I have...and I'm looking and feeling MUCH less bloated. Thank you all for your suggestions and well wishes. I do have the chewable benefi.ber (we give them to my dog b/c he has poop issues too (vet recommended)) so I'll be taking those if things clog up again.

I started the Estraderm patches last night. I have 2 every other day. It's strange having these large patches on my shoulders...but hey whatever works.

I haven't had any other "symptoms" but I'm trying not to dwell on anything and just keep looking forward towards 8/28.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

I'm back working from home again today. I felt SO shitty yesterday. Completely sleepy and all around crappy. I called my nurse who said I'm most likely OHSS and constipated...which don't make a good combination. If I don't feel better by tomorrow morning, they want to do an u/s to see how much fluid is in my belly. They don't like doing the vag cam after transfer, but if I'm not feeling better...

On the train on the way home yesterday, I got completely light headed and broke out in a sweat. I thought I was going to pass out right there. I sat back in my seat and luckily it passed after 15 minutes or so.

Today, I'm feeling the same. My tummy is tender to the touch, but doesn't look distended to me. I also can't go #2 for the life of me. TMI alert...I mean I've passed one or two nuggets, but nothing I would consider "normal". I even bought some glycerin suppositories, but haven't worked up the nerve to try one yet.

So the meds I'm on...prenatals (cut back to every other day now to try to help with the #2 issues), baby aspirin, 1ml of PIO, 1 200mg pr0gesterone suppository 2x a day and today I'm starting the Estr0gen patches. 2 patches every other day. I'm gonna be one fucked up woman.

Monday, August 18, 2008

I don't know if it's because today is my first day back in the office, or because of all the meds...but I am SO tired today. I could literally fall asleep standing up. Plus, I think I have a hint of OHSS...I feel so very full when I take a deep breath. I've already had a 7up, thinking the sugar would help with the sleepiness...but it didn't...not even temporarily. But can I say that was the best 7up I've ever had? Tasted SO good. It's only 11am here. If I was home, I'd take early lunch and lay on the couch and sleep for about an hour or so. Can't do that here. No couches...no where "private" to put my head down. I may have to find an empty conference room and sprawl out on the floor.

I did manage to schedule my beta. August 28th at 8am. You can bet I will be working from home that day...no way am I going to be at work if I get bad news, which I won't because I'm staying positive positive positive. LOL.

When we arrived at the RE's office on Saturday morning...we learned that they had a "slight issue" with one of the retrievals earlier in the morning and they were now behind. Now, normally, I wouldn't mind...but I had a full bladder that just wasn't hearing it. I ended up having to empty it and start all over again. When we met with the RE we learned that 3 of our 4 embies had stopped growing. We had one grade 1 eight celled embie left. We transferred that little one and are now hoping for the best. I've never even had an 8 celled embie, so I'm hoping this little one decides to stick around for, oh, say, 9 months? Please keep us in your thoughts.

I'm back at work today...and by that I mean back in the office. I've been working from home the last 3 weeks, so I haven't had the 4 hour commute to deal with. I'm dragging right now...and since they say no caffeine...I'm DYING! I need some kind of pick me up or else I'm going to fall asleep here at my desk!

Friday, August 15, 2008

Got the call from my RE's office. All 4 embies are growing still and where they should be. They couldn't tell me how many cells each were...just that they are were they should be and we will get all the particulars tomorrow when we come in for transfer. DH and I originally had agreed to only transfer 3 back...but we're debating on transferring all 4. I guess it all depends on what they look like tomorrow. I'm SO nervous for this. More nervous I think than I will be over the next 2 weeks. I know what our track record is with fert and I just want reassurance. Pathetic I know. I just want this SO badly. Just like all of you.

Transfer will take place at 9:20CST...we are to be at the office by 8:20am. I'm not a religious person...but if you are, please say a prayer for us tomorrow...we'll take all the help we can get.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

I'm torn with this fert report. Of my 22 eggs, 17 were mature...and 4 fertilized. While we are ahead of the game from last cycle, when zero fertilized on day 1, I was still holding out hope that everything we did this past year would result in a great fertilization percentage. I know it only takes one good egg, and that we're better than we were last cycle. I know all those things. But my heart still dropped when the nurse told me we only had 4. She couldn't even tell me if they looked good or if they were "slow growers" again. Please don't get me wrong, I'm grateful to even have 4 embies to work with, and if one of those embies becomes a baby I would just be over the moon. But right now, I'm a little disappointed. Nothing to freeze, as we agreed to put back 3 and not freeze anything less than 2.

I'll find out tomorrow if we are a day 3 transfer or day 5. I'm holding out hope that these 4 little ones grow and can make it to day 5.

Thank you to everyone for your well wishes. While it may seem like I'm ungrateful for what I have, I'm not. I know all too well the alternatives.

ER went very smoothly yesterday. 22 eggs were retrieved. I must say that this experience was 100% different from my first cycle. DH was actually allowed to sit in the room with me pre and post retrieval. It was nice coming out of the anesthetic and knowing he was right there. I was too sore to really do anything yesterday...basically laid around and had hubby wait on me (LOL). Feeling much better physically today. Still nervous about the fert rate...but will see what happens.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

OK girls...I have an mp3 player that I got for Christmas...and it's still sitting here with no music on it. It's not an Ip0d, but one from the Sharper Image. And I'm completely lost as to how to download music onto it. The instructions suck. All you tech savvy gurus out there...please help me. I'm also looking for recommendations for sites to use to download the music. I'm always wary of sites asking me for my credit card info.

Yesterday, around 5:30 I started feeling a little crampy. No big deal I figured, my ovaries are the size of grapefruits so it's to be expected, right? Wrong. 15 minutes later I was doubled over in the most extreme pain I've ever felt in my life. I seriously thought my right ovary had burst! The pain was on my right side and and back. I couldn't even stand up. I also broke out in a cold sweat and there was no color in my face. I was home alone and I seriously thought about calling 911, or at least my neighbor across the street to take me to the ER. I ended up paging my on call doctor, who called me back promptly and told me to take Tylen0l and use a heating pad...I was like WTF??? If my ovary burst a heating pad isn't going to do jack shit!

Anyway, I ended up crawling upstairs to the bathroom and drawing a warm bath...I sat in the tub for about an hour with the most terrible pain in my back that moved into my pelvic region. It seriously felt like I had to pee, but couldn't. When my husband got home, I had called him and cried that he had to be here NOW, I was still in the tub, but the pain had gone away. I'm not sure if I had a stone or something that caused the pain, but it was the worst I've ever felt in my life, and I've damaged my sciatic nerve in the past.

As I'm typing this, there is no pain, except where DH shot me with the HCG last night. I'm wondering if I have kidney stones or something that may have been moving around in there. Whatever it was, I hope I don't have to endure that again.

Sorry I haven't posted...I've been feeling really crappy the last few days. These hormones are starting to take their toll on me...my left ovary is situated behind my uterus..so as my ovary swells with follicles, it pushes on my ute...which in turn pushes on my bladder and some other organs. So I'm peeing every time I drink something and am very uncomfortable.

I went this morning for another u/s and my largest follie was just over 20mm...I didn't write them all down as all I wanted was to hurry up so I could pee again (even though I peed right before I went into the u/s). My nurse believes I will trigger tonight...which makes ER on Wednesday. My DH was hoping for Thursday so he could take an additional day off work (he's normally off on Wednesdays) but I don't know if I could do another day of stims. I've been on them for 12 days and am SO READY to be done.

Sorry for the complaining...I chalk it up to being a hormone ravaged bitch today!

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Yesterday was monitoring appointment #2. I'd been on stims for 5 days at the time of the appt...as I said before, my largest follie is 11mm and I have lots of smaller ones. My E2 was 393, which I'm told is good. Last cycle we did, I never got any of this information, and didn't know I should be getting it. So I'm not 100% sure I know what my E2 levels should be after 5 days of stims. Anyway, I'm not obsessing about my follies yet. Last cycle, I stimmed for about 12 days...so as we get closer to day 10 I'll start asking the how many's and how big's. My next appt is tomorrow, at 7am again.

I can say that I'm feeling my ovaries MUCH more this time around. Last cycle, I barely felt any different...this time around, it's like my ovaries are saying YOOHOO HERE WE ARE! This morning was the worst so far. Twinges and "crampy" feelings on both sides...so I hope that means the 225iu of F0llistim and 75iu of Men0pur that I shot up with last night are doing their jobs.

Yesterday was also DH's 32nd birthday. Since I worked from home, I was able to get his presents wrapped before he came home. We went to Gi0rdano's for dinner...nothing big. I felt really bad that we couldn't do more, but I'm always worrying about money and he didn't get home until a little before 7. We are planning on going to Harry Care.y's for dinner for his birthday, just not sure when that will be.

Monday, August 4, 2008

Had my first monitoring appointment yesterday morning. All looks good so far. Have lots of follies on each side with the largest being 8mm on each side. Not bad for only 3 days of stims. Have my next appointment tomorrow at 7:30am. We'll see how much they've grown. I'm still not feeling any different, other than a bruised belly where I do the injections. I am more tired lately, but I can't attribute that to only the hormones...I've been busy and not getting alot of sleep, so it's catching up to me.

I've been a bad blog friend. I've been reading blogs, but not commenting. Please know that I'm following your stories, even if I haven't been able to say HI...hell, I haven't even been able to finish the finale to my story. Though you all know I end up marrying the man!

Friday, August 1, 2008

I took my first stim shots last night after my RE appt yesterday. I forgot how much that damn F0llistim STINGS going in! And I'm doing 225u each night...more than I did in one injection last cycle (I did 150 2x a day). The Men0pur stung as well. (doing 75ml) But the Lup0n continues to be a breeze (down to 5 units now). So I'm doing 3 shots again each night. Along with taking my thyr0id meds and prenatals.

I've had jury duty all week, so I haven't had to wake up at my normal 4:30am...it's been nice sleeping until 7 each morning...though I know I'll pay for it next week when I'm back to normal.

I'll try to post the finale to my "How I Met my Husband" story tonight.

Lilypie - Memorial

About Me

I'm a 37 year old mom of my 4 year old miracle child. Conceived via IVF #2...she was the only embryo we had to transfer. We've since had IVF#3 result in a miscarriage and IVF#4 result in no embryos. I'm trying to accept not having any more kids, while making the most of the one who is here.