‘Game of Thrones’ Review: ‘The Dance of Dragons’

Normally on this show the second to last episode of the season is the grand all, be all of the entire season. This episode had a spectacular ending, but I am not sure it topped the Battle of the White Walkers. Also, the writers fucking suck suck suck and OMG I HATE THEM! GAHHHHH! Let’s look at the highlights before the writers kill everyone on this show.

Stannis is No Longer the Mannis: I’m just going to get this crap out of the way first. Clearly I am angry once again. Did I suspect Shireen to live forever? Of course not, but guess what? SHE IS NOT DEAD IN THE BOOKS, and HER FATHER DOES NOT ORDER HER DEATH. So I am angry that the writers have also chosen to destroy the character of Stannis. He finally stood up to the Ginger Bitch from Hell last week, and this week he crumbles. So to recap, Stannis is in a shity position. Ramsay destroys his food and supplies, but they cannot go back to Castle Black. Stannis orders Davos to return to Castle Black for food. Davos and Shireen have a nice goodbye, and their adorable friendship is OVAH! As soon as this scene happened, I knew what bullshit was going to happen. Shireen is reading the Dance of Dragons, when Stannis goes to talk to her. In his own little way Stannis hints that he must do something to fulfill his destiny no matter how much he hates it. Shireen wants to help her dad no matter what. Ok kids, this is my advice: NEVER VOLUNTEER TO HELP UNTIL YOU KNOW THE TERMS! Poor little Shireen marches to her unknowning death, and sees The Fire Crotch and a nice fire stake set up to burn her alive. She cries for help, but no one will help her. Stannis explains he must provide a sacrifice, and finally Shireen’s mother gets a pang of motherly love and runs to stop the sacrifice that has already started. Unfortunately she is too late and all soldiers and Stannis listen to the little girl scream until there is finally silence…..

Here is my new death list HBO: THE WRITERS, Ramsay, Melisandre, and …guess what? Not Stannis yet like you all want. The audience ended up liking the guy so much you royally screwed him over. So I hope he lived forever and corrects your grammar for all eternity!

Castle Wack: Jon returns to the Wall with every Wildling that was still alive. At first Sir Alliser Thorne takes his sweet ass time opening the gates, but he eventually does. Jon feels he has failed, and well he kind of did. Thorne tells him he cares too much, and it’ clear that many of the Night’s Watch are displeased that the Wildings are marching through Castle Black. That little kid Olly looks like trouble for Jon! I say kill this kid instead next time.

The Dorne Ultimatum: I really hoped Dorne would be more exciting, but it is not. It’s pretty, it’s fun, I’d probably visit some day, but storywise…not so good. It was somewhat better in the book, but honestly there was no way to condense the story into one season given all the changes the writers make anyways. Jaime and Prince Doran discuss the situation. Jaime received a threat about Myrcella’s life, and that’s what caused this entire misunderstanding. Myrcella and Trystane will go to King’s Landing, where the Prince will serve on the small council. Jaime agrees and Bronn’s life is also spared. Prince Doran let’s Ellaria live along with his nieces, but he warns her he does not believe in giving out third chances. Ellaria talks to Jaime about Cersei, and how she does not disapprove of their relationship. She says that the princess is not responsible for Oberyn’s death and will not be harmed. Is she telling the truth? Hmmmm.

Chris Hansen Better be in Braavos: Arya is still selling fish, and still hasn’t killed the thin guy. On her mission, she sees that Mace Tyrell has arrived with Ser Meryn Trant. In case you have forgotten, Trant is on her revenge death list. He also was the guy who kept beating up Sansa for Joffrey’s amusement. Trant is also a gross old kiddie raper. Arya follows him to a brothel, where he turns down all the prostitutes until he agrees to a young female child. I’m so glad this show has found a way to be even more gross. Maybe this one doesn’t count as rape because she was carted off screen before we had to see that gross sweaty man on top of her. Either way, Arya is standing around and smelling like fish. I miss the Arya that would have killed everyone already. She lies to Jaqen and says she will kill thin man the following day. Great to see all the training is paying off so far. This can only end badly.

Mereen Gladiators: Okay so it wasn’t American Gladiators but it still had its charm. Dany isn’t a fan of all this fighting, but she plays along for the sake of faking an interest in tradition. Things get basic when Dany sees that the eternal friend zoned Jorah is fighting. I really would consider a restraining order at this point. He’s winning, then losing, then saved, then losing, and then BAM he saves Dany from an assassin. Cue the Sons of the Harpy who have prepared an ambush attack!! Side note: all these guys really look like extras from Eyes Wide Shut. We quickly see Dany’s new fiancé killed…thank god because BORING. Jorah, Dario, Tyrion and some Unsullied all surround Dany to protect her and get her out of the stadium. Question: Should Jorah keep touching her when he has greyscale? It’s annoying me that he keeps getting feels when he shouldn’t be touching! Dany closes her eyes and it’s as if she had summoned Drogon herself. He comes flying in because no one messes with his momma. Lots of Harpys are served up crispy fried. Drogon keeps getting shot at and Dany approaches and Drogon just BLAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHSSSSS right in her face but he is okay with her. She climbs on him and flys away to safety like a boss. Tyrion looks up as if to say…hey no room for me?

Where the hell did Drogon take Dany? Will she return? Will Arya get her revenge? Will Sansa ever catch a break? Will the Ginger Bitch get what’s coming to her? And will I ever ever ever see Lady Stoneheart on this show? Give me something you shitty writers! Tune in next week for the season finale of Game of Thrones.

About the author

Amanda Drago

Amanda Drago is a writer at TVSource Magazine. Also known as “Hot Mess Mandy”, she's fan of sarcasm and snark with a Bachelor’s Degree in handling the “cray” and a Masters in real talk. Huge fan of soaps, reality TV, and really any well written show that can handle her short attention span. Usually the trashier the show, the better. Follow her on Twitter at @HotMessMandy