Monday, August 24, 2009

Showrocka Presents: Choose your own Drunken Asshole Adventure

I woke up this morning...(do-do do-do-doooo)....Ain't know what to do...(do-do-do-do-dooo)...so i figured I'd blog, and take away your Monday blues....(Elvis Voice) .

Insert guitar solo.

What up people? I know it seems like I've been gone a while (As Saturdays interactive Blogging, or as MW put it "simply living your life on the town" left much to be desired in literary form. )Trust me though, it was well worth it. Today's blog pretty much writes itself, so there is no need for witty saritical references of fancy intros. Ok, well, maybe just a small intro...

A few weeks ago my boy Slim Jones said to me "more people will read your blog if they feel connected", hence my idea of 'interactive blogging' and my recent fervor for new Haven nightlife. In taking it a step further he said, "why not add an editable link section where people can add onto the blog" yada yada. To this I said, "Horrible idea. I can't rely on other people to write my blogs (and or fuck them up), and if these other pseudo-bloggers were that funny, they'd have their own blogs...or do stand up. LOL.

Anyway, the compromise reached between SJ and I, is a concept you've all heard of, but which has never been done like this. Thats right gente, Showrock Show is at it again, pioneering shit. It'a a blog with a twist. A little hot cabbage for that ass...the KimChi of blogs. It's hot, and it's got Seoul (Pronounced Soul....LOL.)

Showrocka Presents: Choose your own Drunken Asshole Adventure

This is pretty much how the night starts as Shanga, Dezo and I begin downing successive brews and prepping for a night on the town.

Yea you see it...we got that new Belvedere IX before you!!!! Why? Because I'm the Ether-Blogger!! Best you've ever read. Ok, done with the self promotion. Sigh.

Before the bottle is even cracked, DEZO says "I saw a hooker in Mcdonalds today."

Show: How'd you know she was a hooker?

DEZO: She was dressed like one and kept walking back and forth asking who wanted to have a good time.

Show: Haha. You know hookers walk the Berlin Turnpike? There's not even a sidewalk!!!! They're in the road, and that shit is like a highway!!!

Shanga: Oh man. I remember I walked the pike once.

DEZO & Show: Whaaaaaaaaat?

SIDENOTE: The Berlin Turnpike is about 40-45 minutes driving from New Haven.

As Shanga proceeds to tell his story about how this came to be, I begin vaguely remembering bits and pieces of the hazy recollection. This, however, is the first time I'm hearing it from the horses mouth.

A night of clubbing at the now defunct Club 2001 on the pike had resulted in four drunken friends becoming seperated. While Buck-Dinero, Shanga, Ghost and Flacco go to the club together, Ghost gets pissed and basically...got ghost on them ni**as. Do you A.) Go with Ghost? or B.) Stay with Buck, Shanga and Flacco....?

A.) You've chosen to ride with Ghost as he mumbles to himself, "fu*k these drunk assholes", I'm going to meet up with some chickenheads. As Ghost reaches in the back for a Heineken, he hears his phone ringing but ignores it. Heineken popped and music blaring, ghost peels rubbe rout the parking lot and hits the turnpike. According to him, the pike was looking like Hunt's point and the temptation to turn his toyota into a short stay motel for the small price of 5o bucks was quite tempting. Eh, possibilty of disease is way too prevelant. Besides, all the good looking pike hoes whore out of the strip club. LOL.

Remebering he has a nip of Hennessey in the car, Ghost continues to "Po' it up (get drunk)" while speeding recklessly down the pike. It is now almost 2:00am, club closing time. "I aint pickin these dudes up..." he thinks. Quite frankly, his d**k was dryer than some African elbows and the possibility of possibly quenching his thirst in an unsantized sespool or female love puddle seemed a bit more attractive. Guess Ghost should've went back and picked up his boys as, what happens next is straight up Karma.

I aint talking BET the Basement when I procclaim "(W)Rap City!" That's right people. Too much henny thuggin and vagina monologues on the brain caused Ghost's drunk ass to wrap his entire car around a guard rail. Totaled! Game Over. Insert another Quarter. Should've never ditched your boys.

B.) Ghost has just left but no one cares as they are too busy hitting on everygirl in the club. A girl is dancing on a speaker in a skirt. Buck-Dinero proceeds to put his head under her skirt and shake it around, simulating cunnylingis. He is an asshole but she thinks its funny, so she mustve been a whore. A drunken sloppy whore.

Shanga and Flaco are taking shots and screaming "oye mami" at any white girl who looks like she'd be flattered at the thought of being considered spanish. Nearly an hour goes by as the boys miraculously manage to slap asses, stick their heads between drunken titties and call girls hoes without getting thrown out the club. Trust me, it was a miracle...I've been thrown out for much less. LOL. Next stop...the parking lot...do you C.) Hang with Shanga? or D.) Go see what trouble Buck is starting in the parking lot?

C.) You've chosen to stay with Shanga. Did I forget to mention that Club 2001 shares a parking lot with a strip club? Ok, duly noted. Shanga tries to gain enterence but as he has no money and it is already 2:00 Am, the bouncers aren't having it. Seeing he is obviously drunk, they do not beat the Lavar Burton (Reading Rainbow ni**a) from Roots out of him. He gets pissed and manages to grab his phone out of his pocket and call Ghost, his ride, who has seemingly disappeared. Ghost's phone goes straight to voice mail. On top of this, Shanga remembers that he left his Hennessey in Ghost's whip. Ain't that a bi*ch!!! Upon hearing commotion, he looks to see what Buck and Flacco are up to. Eh, nothing out of the ordinary....Buck picking fights with drunken Frat Boys. Typical.

D.) "F**k you frat boy. Come on casper...Snow White...I'll knock some black into you!!" says Buck to the boys. Sidenote: I may have imbellished that conversation and I think the dude he was yelling at was Spanish.) Nevertheless, the white (and spanish) boys aren't havin it! "Fuck you b**ch" they scream in retaliation, as one hops out the truck and knuckles up. Buck, seeing the drunkenly revelry evolve into a potiental fight, begins to back peddle on some "Man, stop playin...I was just fuc*in with yall" shit. Before buck gets a chance to cop a plea, or actually fight, Flacco comes running from behind and cracks the kid in the head with a heiniken bottle. Blood, green glass and the sophisticated-hood ni**a beer of choice is flowing everywhere!! Next thing you know, the police are there in 2.2 Seconds and Buck and Flacco are arrested. What? Of course the cops came quick, they're in front of a strip club!!! Shanga arrives and doesn't know what to do? Should he E.) intervene? or F.) Take his spanish-looking ass home?

E.) "Yo, yo...what the f**k is going on" he screams to a duo of policemen who scream, "you better cool it." His friends were going to jail and he didn't even know why. As his mind races around thinking "who's ass did the grab in front of the police", he notices the broken Heiniken bottle and bloody white boy. Ohhhh shit. That was the last Heineken!!!!

Cops: "Look boy...you wanna go to jail? "

Shanga: Hellll Nah.....

Cops: Then Go Home!!!

Shanga: How? They're my ride!!!

Cops (While pulling out cuffs): You better start walking!!

F.) Rather than end up getting locked up (again) on account of Buck, Shanga decides to start the walk back home down the pseudo-highway known as the Berlin Turnpike. Drunk and pissed off, yet glad to not be in jail, Shanga is getting laughed at by the hookers as he eases on down the road like MJ in the Wiz. After walking for an hour, Shanga says f**k this sh*t, and goes into someones back yard. Does he decided to take a nap and continue the journey in the morning, or try and find a charger for his dead cell-phone? Nope. He steals a little girls bike. Complete with basket.

Shanga rides the little pink bike down the road for another hour (Total travel time =2 hours) after which his says, "F**k this", and throws the bike on the side of the road. After hitchhiking for another 20 minutes he finally gets bicked up at about 4:30 am by four Africans in a Toyota Corolla. LMAO. They think that Shanga is cool, empathisize with his story (aka laugh their asses off) and drop him off at his crib. He's lucky they didnt gang rape him or sell him into white slavery. LOL.

The end...Kinda.

DEZO, Shanga and Showrock still havent left the house....and I gaurentee, you dont want to miss what happens after this story was told. Tune in tomorrow!!!!