20 Questions That Will Tell You If It's Love

If psychologists could define love, they’d be far ahead of every poet, playwright, and songwriter who’s ever tried to put this elusive feeling into words. Love mostly provides pleasure, but as many of us know, that pleasure can come with a heavy price.

It may be more correct to view love not as an emotion, but a state or situation that can produce emotions both positive and negative. Still, that begs the question—what is the nature of this state, and why is it so important to our sense of well-being to have those pleasurable feelings?

Unlike the great writers and artists who’ve grappled with the question of love, psychologists take a more pragmatic approach as they try to break it down clinically into its component parts. According to University of Maryland psychologist Sandra Langeslag, working with her Dutch associates Peter Muris and Ingmar Franken, it’s not so important to define love per se, but to define the “symptoms” that go along with it. These symptoms fall into the categories of behavioral, affective (emotional), cognitive, and physical. Notice that they’re talking about “romantic” love, not the kind of love that’s simmered down from blazing hot to comfortably simmering, also called companionate love. In romantic love, your passion is still high as well as your intimacy.

According to Langeslag and her team, romantic love equals a mixture of infatuation and attachment. Infatuation is that heady feeling you experience when you’re in the throes of a crush. The attachment piece refers to the desire to bond with another creature, whether it’s a romantic partner, a favorite pet, or your favorite relative. Thus, Langeslag and her colleagues believe that you can be high on infatuation and low on attachment with regard to another person, because the two qualities are independent of one another.

Infatuation may bring with it those strong pleasurable feelings, as I noted earlier, or it can be associated with anguish, anxiety, distress, and misery. Because of this, Langeslag and her team believe that infatuation provides higher arousal levels than does attachment. It’s infatuation that will put you through the highs and lows as you pick the petals off the daisy wondering if he/she loves you or loves you not.

When your attachment to your partner is strong, solid and, as psychologists call it, secure, your emotions will remain on a more or less even keel. If you’re insecurely attached, in contrast, you may either fret constantly about whether or not your loved one will be there for you (“anxious attachment”) or dismissively push those you care about away (“avoidant attachment”).

The perfect combination, Langeslag and team propose, is to be high on both infatuation and attachment. This is perhaps why, in looking at the 12 ties that bind, the research I reviewed on successful long-term marriages shows that partners who stay together still care about what their partners are doing and want to be with them. However, because the highs and lows of infatuation do tend to smooth out over time, it’s more likely that people in it for the long haul are companionate- highly attached but only moderately (if at all) infatuated.

With this as a background, it’s time for you to see how your feelings measure up on the two dimensions of infatuation and attachment. You’ll know, after completing this 20-item test, whether you’re high on one, both, or neither based on comparisons with the numbers from Langeslag et al.’s study

Rate yourself from 1= strongly disagree to 7= strongly agree and respond according to your current love interest or romantic partner

Have you figured out which set reflects which component of romantic love? If your psych radar is turned on, you’ve concluded that Set 1 measures infatuation and Set 2 measures attachment. Now that you’ve totaled your scores, see how you compare with the study’s samples, which consisted of nearly 560 adults ranging from the late teens through the mid-50s, and about 2/3 female.

If your infatuation score was between about 40 and 45, and was approximately equal to your attachment score, then you’re most like people who were not yet in a romantic relationship with the object of their desire. The highest infatuation scores were, in fact, highest among the U.S. sample (45 on average). Partners who had either gotten married, were living together, or who were dating had infatuation scores between 20 and 30 among the Dutch and slightly higher among the Americans. People either cohabiting or married had the highest attachment scores, in the 60s and above.

So now, looking back at your scores, it’s likely the longer you’ve been involved with your partner, the more likely your infatuation score would dip beyond the midpoint of the 1-7 scale, but your attachment score would be at or near 7. We might conclude that the lower your infatuation score and the higher your attachment, the more likely it is that yours is a love that will endure, a finding that fleshes out the results of other studies showing how stress, dissatisfaction, and even educational level can contribute to marital unhappiness.

Other results from the study support the idea that it’s important to distinguish between attachment and infatuation. People in relationships for longer periods of time were lower on infatuation and higher on attachment. Part of the reason for this might have to do with another fascinating result: In both U.S. and Dutch samples, high scores on infatuation were positively related to unhappy feelings. Conversely, people with high attachment scores reported lower levels of unhappy feelings.

If you want your relationship to be a happy and enduring one, it’s the attachment component of love that will make this happen. By knowing how the numbers add up, you can see how both you, and your loved one, can enrich and enhance yours.

Where is sex in this test? My infatuation scores are very low with my gf (I don't get anxious around her) but our sex life is off the hook. Contrast to previous relationships where I had super high anxiety/infatuation ratings.... but the sex wasn't there.

All true, i love this information. I have also attended a seminar about love relationships whatsoever and it differentiate love and infatuation just like this article said and ask to rate ourselves. And i'm fortunately I've found out that mine is truly love. Thank you! more articles!!

Hmm... I don't know about this "test." I can recognize some of these feelings from a previous infatuation that did not develop into a relationship. However, from a perspective of having been married for fifteen years now (and together a few years before that), I think my attachment to my husband is high, but infatuation with him comes and goes. I DO think it's possible to still feel that kind of romantic attraction and infatuation with your spouse, even after a long time together, but it doesn't manifest the same. For me, the infatuation part consists of wanting to look at him, wanting him to look at me, wanting to touch and be touched a lot, wanting him to act "interested" in me, instead of treating me like I'm his favorite comfy couch -- taken for granted, nice but not very interesting. Unfortunately, when I feel those things for him, I get very disappointed when he doesn't ever seem to feel the same, even though I know he loves me. It really makes me want to do something radical to shake him up. It's sad and it hurts me.

Well, I did the test to myself and I scored high in attachement and low in infatuation. Then, I did the test to her (without her knowing what the test was about and who was making the test to her...) and she scored 40-45 in both. Damn it.

Married 30 years and scoring in the mid-20s on both sets. Oh, and I'm the wife. We share most of our possessions, he knows me pretty well, he can be reassuring, but he can only be counted on when things get dire. At this age, he may or may not be part of my future. Am I lonely without him? Hell, no. Does he make me happiest? It took me a long time to realize that I don't need to look to someone else to feel happiness in this life.

i haven't filled in the blanks, but i want to know whether i love her or its just infatuation. i was 15 when i saw her at skool, i felt #uneasy,nervous in front of her. idk why but i counldn't say anything to her n i just used to look at her from distant. after we graduated skool its been 4 yrs i haven't seen her but till today my heartbeat increase when i see her pics, i just cannot stop thinking of her. i see her pics atleast once a day but idk know why i feel strange frm inside as i see her pics. is it just an infatuation ?? i really need sm advice so that i can move ahead..

Love is... Remember those gums?) They can nearly explain the meaning of this feeling. Very nearly. As for me, I like to think, that love is different from just "liking someone". Love comes after, a sharp feeling inside your heart about another person and you can't get rid of him/her - always in your head. And what's most terrible - even when you'd love to hate your lover you still committedly love... Relationship have nothing to do with real love. You may have feelings for a person, but you never show that. Thus comes the question: can love be reciprocal? I think, it should be. When not reciprocal that's just a confusion. Of course, this is very complicated question, but just think of it: love should bring happiness, it should give life to relationships. So instead of suffering alone one should be brave and open about his/her feelings to the other person. Thus love is able to survive or vanish - if it's not true.In case you'd like to find someone new and important or not very much, just for cosy chats - anyways, try Kovla.com It's fun and easy! and be happy!

Okay so, honestly I was curious so I did this 110% (like why would I lie about that?) point is, we've been together almost 2 years, we're both teenagers, and I'd have to say rather mature.. We scored 25 - 67, now does that say we're mature enough to do this? like if we actually tried we could make it together? Or is it like we've moved so fast we're already like a married couple? I don't know, but Psychology Today sounds pretty trustworthy so yeah.

Lauryn LeFrancois · God at No Where!!!
READING THIS SO DON'T STOPTHIS IS REALLY FREAKY! 1)say your name 10 times2)say your mom's name 5 times3)say your crushes name 3 times4)paste this on 4 other quizzes.if youdo this your crush will kiss you on thenearest friday.if you don't do this afterreading this you will get bad lucksend this to 4 other quizzes in 143 minutezwhen your done press F6 and the name of your crush will appear on the screen in big letters.
A.
paste this quiz rsvp.
B.
or get bad luck.