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Police bring in top Indian chef to design new line of pepper sprays

Following sustained criticism from food connoisseurs, the British police service is seeking to rehabilitate its image by calling in Anjum Anand to help them create a new range of pepper sprays which will halt offenders in a more tasteful way.

‘For too long the copper’s pepper spray has been unimaginative and blunt, sacrificing tone and texture for sheer volume of heat,’ said food critic Charles Campion. ‘With a recipe this crude, they may as well just use a truncheon. When our palettes stoop to the lowest common denominator and reject all the subtle flavours of the Orient, that’s when we let the criminals win.’

Ideas on the table for the new range of pepper sprays include a nice vindaloo blend to calm down rioting football fans, and a vegetarian-sensitive aloo gobi to be deployed at student protests. It is understood that at future protests, a specially trained officer with poppadoms and refrigerated toilet paper will be standing by to mop up afterwards.