Millions and millions of years ago there was a Galactic Pastaration, a collective of Extra-Pastarials inhabiting planets throughout the universe.

However, the Galactic Pastaration was ruled by the evil overlord Linguinu (prawn: Lin-Gwee-Noo), an oppressive power-hungry dictator who sought the destruction of anyone who opposed his rule.

Linguinu imprisoned the Noodlerians who opposed him and brought them to the Earth in a spacecraft that looked very conveniently like a Food Cart with engines capable of hyperspace travel strapped to it.

He then stacked them all before a large volcano on the Earth and boiled them alive.

Unfortunately, Linguinu was a terrible cook and overcooked the Noodlerians. To this day their oily essences, what is known as Eatins' (Eatings) still remain behind trapped in our world and they are the sole cause of all the evils in the world.

L. Flan Cupboard was the first person to discover these Eatins' and identify them as the cause of the world's and mankind's ills. He also brought forth the plight of the humble Tomatoes whom he claimed he could hear screaming when sliced. He published many more of his spiritual findings in a book aptly called 'Diuretics'.

Now, it is possible for these Bad Eatins' to become Good Eatins'. The first step is being pastaudited with a device known as a Linguin-I-Meter. The Linguini-I-Meter can be used to not only measure one's levels of Good and Bad Eatins' but can also be used to rehabilitate these Bad Eatins'.

Now these Linguin-I-Meter sessions can cost hundreds to thousands of dollars. Remember though, you're not only getting your Eatins' measured but rehabilitated and cured as well!

There are many who will mock those who believe. Do not listen to these SPs (Suppressive Pastas) and stay true to the faith brethren!

Seriously though, probably not. But I thought this would be worth at least a chuckle.

But seriously, seriously...don't be a Suppressive Pasta.

Okay...

I'm now being informed that I'm supposed to strain you all in first and then once you've been indoctrinated and I've charged you lots of money for Linguni-I-Meter readings (that don't really do anything) that will totally change your life (they won't) and you've purchased a bunch of worthless pamphlets not fit to let your dog poop on...then and only then...do I start to let on that we're absolutely bat-shit insane.

Yeah, you could just have googled all that ahead of time but it's better for you to pay us thousands of dollars for that privilege and information plus...c'mon, that would be cheating.

Take a look at yourself. You look like you're dealing with some pent up oils in your life. Why not take a seat here and let me administer this free Eatin' test that will measure if you're actually dumb enough to pay for this crap.

I used to listen to L Flan Cupboard's 'The World Tomorrow' on my little radio, wondering mostly just wtf he was on about, until our parents got a magic TV picture box for us to stare vacantly at instead. I thank The FSM I didn't end up a Tom Cruisemissle, gladly forsaking the megabuck$ to avoid the embarrassment of jumping on Oprah's couch.