1.10.11

A tree. The sun setting. A man sitting by the tree..looking blankly at one corner of the world painted by the blood of the sun as it says goodbye to the him.

Whenever I look at a picture of a sunset, I feel peace and it makes my heart smile. I just love this scenery.

I havent gotten to write something about anything these days. I was busy drowning myself with music. I plug my headset in and volume it all up. dont want to hear thier voices, thier words that cant seem to get out of the walls in my head, they are bouncing back and forth. I didnt know I was really busy till i got tired and felt that i wanted to rest.

I fell like im back to my kfc days, days when I know no other music but alternative. Looking around, browsing some profiles, entertaining myself with the pictures of some old friends, wondering whats so exciting bout them nowadays. I see some of them are still playing for thier bands, wla a silang kinikita but they are really happy creating thier music and drowning thier souls with it. I was really trying to keep myself busy.

I was still floating on the last note of the last song when I got a message saying "hello, nice meeting you. i see you are a poet. it's nice. i used to be one. im ice" from someone with a dark clown on her profile. I first thought he/she is someone I know, I even thought she was joice coz she goes by icy and i guess she will greet me with the same words..if ever. We had to talk for hours before i realized that she was really not who I was suspecting, that she a complete stranger. then she goes,"I wish you could be my friend. just here not in the real world. just someone who doesn't know me, whom i could bravely share my stories with. and you can do the same" . It was folowed by a brave conversation. "I would say pareho tayo in most way, I guess. We both know that solitude is addictive. I was surpised to know na mas bata ka sakin, u seemed to know a lot, way much than I do.. U are very intriguing, I guess nakikita ko ang sarili ko if I happened to be a girl" I said. It went on and I didnt know I started bursting out lahat ng sama ng loob ko, little by little. We talk about almost anything "I agree with you..those are beatiful..even death. death is not a sin..unless you cause your own death, thats immoral. marami na ang nabighani ng ganda ng kamatayan, too bad its late for them to realized they will end weeping..lured by the captivating beauty of death. well., i guess napagbigyan ko na ang galit ko, tapos na yon para sakin.." sabi ko. Around 2am, nakatulog nako.

It wa a little spooky, we just talked about death the last time and she said "my aunt died . just yesterday. but she had been sick for nearly one year." on the new message i got. I extended my condolence.

Something got me thinking. what would it be like? how does does it feel saying goodbye to the world.

Then I remember the sun..then the man, then the most beautiful feeling i can ever describe. The sunset.

I know I want to be there someday. The man, ..sitting by the tree, possesing the most beatiful feeling... with eyes gradually shutting and heart melting down ..by the overflowing beauty his eyes can behold..cherishing the sweetness of the sunset air, making it up as his sight blurs and eyes shut. Completely.

"Im really amazed by your words and pretty much the way you are, and guess you're brave enough to talk about "death". but you know, death is beautiful..the reason why I like goth music and the only thing gothic music suggests. Im not even afraid of it. nakakatakot cguro isipin how are you going to die, but death itself, no. just put Him in your heart, youll realized you dont have to be afraid it. We both are too young for this wold to perish, we have to write a shelf-full of stories pa. I just want to share something bout that word which is pretty much close to dark, night, emo, goth and solitude which best describe the thing that we both have, both into.
also, I dont know but the emo kind of beauty or gothic beauty really captures me. we both or I guess we all have dark sides inhibiting our bodies and it is cool to know to know that im sharing thoughts about this with someone on the other side of this computer..
very seldom do I talk like this to my friends." -eman.

It is sometimes fun to look back to some of interesting things that happened to your cruel life..(hehe), to bring up some smiles when you are down. Let’s say a crush.. maybe, *toinkz* haha.. well she is now on the other side of the world so..hmm, I remember this one time when we had a little “inuman” at ZYLCS (a small local tambayan just about some steps away from TP with a fascinating a little bit of romantic ambience and soul healing aroma of a scented candle, which I don’t know where is located by the way, and with a green scented papers on the tables(or I don’t know if just a jar of vanilla spilled on it). There was I, a little tipsy.. the brew may have overcomed my shyness and kacornihan took over, don’t know how to express the little admiration, grab a pen (that kuya had given to maybe reveal the purpose of the papers) and does some drawing on the table covering(which was the scented paper). I guess I would like to thank the owner for that that nice gimmick, an idea that helped me express my attention-hungry admiration. So, going back to the drawing.. it was a figure of a girl that I mentioned them my “dream girl” that im estimating as the inuman goes on, and.. just when I’m about to finish my little drawing, I told my friend who covers some details of my crush, “ dude, excuse nman..di ko makita ung ginagawa ko eh”. She may have noticed im throwing an eye at her (a survey of my canvass) while doing the little drawing ..so hmm, I guess.. yun na un..hehe,A super down to earth girl of a beautiful design who you’ll love to spend break time and yosi break with. Well, it is her birthday and I haven’t gotten to talk to her since our TP days, I would like to do another drawing as a corny gift but I guess I wouldn’t be able to mail it to her so… I guess let me just sketch it this way.

I stumble upon, a beautiful designOf an art so stunning, pleasingly invitingFrom the other side of the fence, there was I staringOn a charming scene with the little flower I am admiring

Arrested was I, for it made me smileMy eyes are caught every time I pass byAttached is a feeling that suggests an admirationLingering on mind, teasing a sweet little affection.

Days are brighter in every time I gazeat this dainty sight, I am agreeingly amazedIf I can just pick it up, I know I certainly wouldIll jump over, but wait, “over da bakod?”

Oh my God, what Im thinking will be an offensefor it belongs to someone at the other side of the fencebut I want it so badly, though it can never be mine“for your eyes only”, God!, I have overlooked your sign.

Oh boi, frustrated I was, detaching my sightTo the lovely YOU Im convinced one of a kindFrustrated was I, looking at the field of flowersIts another YOU, is what I hope I can find

All dismayed I went back for another gazecoz I found that not a single flower is close to your likenessI went back yet another frustration unfolddull and lifeless scene is now what my eyes behold

The rose was taken to show more of its beautyfrom a rose of reality into a painting so dreamythe rose that once on the other side of the fence for my seeingis now pleasing the other side of the world and now only for my dreaming.

I remember the first poem i wrote for you
written by the innocent feeling of naive Romeo
I had a hard time with words only to describe you
sweet words piled up flaunting a feeling so true.

A funny little poetry that rhymes every end of each line
Made me up all night relating ur beauty with the moonshine
In my mind was a story about “there’s you and me”
In a world so beautiful and only imaginary.

If I can bring back that time for even just a minute
Ill give you that poem and i will not replace it
With the one that I made to offer only friendship
You should have known my feelings i shouldnt have kept it.

And now, after six years of missing my Juliet
I am writing a new poem of not love but regret
coz the ten years of being Romeo of my fairy tale has faded.
“she was my Juliet but im not her Romeo” is how the story ended.

Reminisce the feeling. Old, but still funny.
Faded, but sweet still.Painful but draws a smile. Gone but left traces.
Thought all hopes were long gone, but it just did.

Cuteness, purity, innocence I’ve longed, blinded
me. I click the shutter and thats so her, six years ago, that I see.
All convinced it was wrong, I opened my eyes. Thought I see the world
clearly under the clouded sky. Sky so hidden, a hope that I thought not
existing, blurred my sight. Smoke that gets into my eyes and caused it
damp. Then the just I hear in me straightens the path so I can walk.

The telephone rang before a pail of cold water
damped me awake. The truth that utters an increasing decibel from a
high note, deafening me from somewhere. I can hear it nearing and it
will eat me. I’m trembling from the sound of the fact I can barely hear
that’s shutting me off. My system is weakened and defeated by the
frequency I cant handle and dropped me down to my knee. Nightmare had
eaten me.

“She already have a baby”. Now I have to let
go of the hope that blurs, wake up in a fluvial lonely lake where the
clouded sky of hope pours down. goodbye joice..

I couldn’t agree more, life is
so ironic. I just realize another episode of life’s sarcasm. Why’d you
have to meet someone and feel an utmost affection where indeed, after
six years, will turn out to be pointless?. An absurd apologue of my
first ‘Roses and Chocolates’. My first acne.

Alcohol isn’t really sweet,
life’s irony made it. every shot I take, a desire to find an answer,
and I find even answers criticize. Was it my fault for not having her
mine? well, maybe irony isn’t really the contrary that twists the
truth. its with the truth, only hard to see. and when you see, even
harder to take. Tough life.

It was my herculean task that
faced this irony for bringing “that’s life” to a reason. And when the
herculean me thought the hysteria has just been overcomed, another
tragedy was about to unfold. I witness how can irony be extremely and
sarcastically Ironic, before my eyes..”ang cute nung baby nya, kamukha
ko”. Then the pinch in my heart ironically caused me to smile. Ironic,
C’est la Vie.

SCAR is not olweiz bad of having., it sumtimes reminds us of not how
painful it is to be wounded but how we got wounded and healed. I got
one, let me show it to you.

It was on my high school days when i noticed this funny little
feeling.Its crazy, kinda..tickling. I got to know a young beautiful
girl. Shes this innocently brilliant shy girl.

As time passes we become friends, ..unexpectedly close friends, but ..were open, .I dont know., basta sumthing like that,

..from sharing notes,thought, stories ..bout our experiences,
and..everything , we end up exchanging poem. fOr threE years almoSt, we
have shared everything exept for OnE thing ..feeling.

days, mos., yeaRs passed.It was fast, fast enAf that it didnt let me think of a happy ending for my last story..

iT was daRk, gloomy lights and noise of of graduation ball have
done nothing to cheer me up. I Thougt it was the glitters but I notice
iT was water in the corner of my eyes bein strucked by the lights, that
provoked the feeling.

aFter some seconds, painful words get in to my ears "..im leaving to
california" i smiled and gave her my last story "its not done yet"..i
said(that was the title also) ,it took a couple of mins, she looked at
it, gave it back to me and said "please have it ended" .and leave

..fRom then on, I havnt heard of anything bout her. mY world doomed, numb and dull my life went on..

I know its way too late to tell her "iM tired of bein your friend,
wud you be my girl?" .while giving the last letter., ..that,
unknowingly iv been practicing in one corner of my mind.

nEver imagined how a soft, crazy, sweet, funny feeling wud be bItter an painful,sharp enaf to leave me wounded.

i jUst woke up one day and realized tHat God gave me someone two
years ago to heal my wound and to turn it into a scar, a mark that now
seemed to be a word "joice " the girl who swept me off my feet..

i know sumday, she wil be reading this ..now that the story already ended, ..now that its done..

..But for me? it is where I met the person who impressed me. That’s where I met her.

I was eighteen then when I began waking up to go to work. Quality, quick moving crews, fake smiles etc. are the things one will usually see and feel in the workplace, but I found something else..

I found myself thinking of this young lady who manages to go to school and go to work despite of stress. a girl who doesn’t know the meaning of weary and tiredness. someone who keeps a kind of power somewhere within. an energy that i felt and ’somewhere’ that I would like to know. Intriguing.

so i began learning things about her. “There’s something bout you i would like to know” i said, she smiled and that’s how the story begin. A pretty familiar feeling aroused. I started to walk beside her, counted several months and the offer was accepted. There are lots of thing we have shared and being on the usual ups and downs, I begin to know her and I began seeing a beautiful person in her.

A very understanding, loving, caring and..sum1 who’s giving up everything for me is who i found i am welcoming to my life. I haven’t met one before. I was

thankful for everything but i can feel something, a guilt. I have loved somebody who made me promised to myself I’m going to look for myself and and will be back to love her. That’s where the sin is. I was thinking that what’s happening is just a part of the plan, engraved in my mind. Scarred in my heart.

But, something was telling me something.I can feel the warmth of her hug, security on her shoulder and i can taste sweetness of her smile. it erases everything, the voice that says “don’t worry”.Someone came to erase the scar.

As you grow up you’ll find unbelievable things. Bout yourself. some are good some are not. Family, work, future and girls are all what’s on my mind. Different ideas are travelling so fast as i try to catch the time while i do the pantry, attend to the beeping fryer in the kitchen, bread some chicken and everything. fast-food. Among all of these multitasking and fast food requirements, one had been my favorite, to smile.

The store moving so fast slows down as i glance at her and feel a smile somewhere within. very comforting. Then, the ache strikes again, till i get home and feel her hug. Without her, everything is pain and confusion.

Being on the usual ups and downs, our relationship climbs up to the next levels. Still what I see is a beautiful soul. I have realized an addiction, pretty earthly but it was all welcomed and fed. She is amazing. I know what’s happening, i like it. but something really bothers me, what about this thing I can’t take off my mind? and why cant I? I know what I want..but do i know who

Am i? With all of the info bout life and me moving in my mind..do i know what can i do?

This confusion attracts the nightmare. I don’t know myself yet. Realizing something bout yourself brings pain. But that’s who you are, got to have to accept it before you can change it. What’s the unacceptable is, having someone affected by this.

It breaks my heart to see her crying as i tell the truth about what happened with me and someone who happened to be my other self. she is dark, she can get what she wants. Pretentious, that’s how she project at least. I was blinded. Who would know she can make me cross the borderline and shot me from there. I didn’t know she can. I was all confused. I just woke up, and she’s there feeding my addiction.

she was a girl who happened to be the best one, one can ever have as a friend, friend is how she calls it. Friendship is what we have. she is the other me. Well I believed. She was there, from the beginning of the story. “a true friend is a friend who can stab you in front”. When I look at the mirror, she was in there and said “you don’t know yourself yet” ..not verbally.(this part is a bit confusing but it was about a girl who happened to be my best who unknowingly want something unwanted to happen) angels and devils by dishwalla is my favorite song.but angels are not for devils, i know. for many reasons an angel can’t stay with a devil. but what’s this?I can feel a beautiful soul by my side; I can feel she is there. A soul so broken.Who is coming back to be fixed.

I am the eldest among my siblings. I have a sense of being responsible somehow.

A devil with a sense of responsibility is what I am. and, this time, i know I am responsible for fixing a broken heart. After everything that I have done, of all that happened, she welcomed me back with all of her heart. For another year, I’ve been a good one. Gently and gradually, i tried to heal the wounds I caused. Together we tried to bring back the old times. I hope to end the story ends here.

“Reality bites” ..and it hurts, for someone who can endure the pain..life is real.

That’s what i like about her. She lives in a real world, she knows what she wants, she knows how to love.. She knows herself. I adore her. I love her.

Why did I hurt such a good heart? i said. Clearly, there is no problem with her. its with me that i have to resolve. This is a kind of a long process, and as you find yourself, u will be hurt.. Many will be hurt. but with me? there is one thing i pretty sure of.. I’m going to find myself but I cannot let myself see her crying again. I remembered a promise the time we were both crying, when i shook my head on her shoulder and water came out of my eyes and fell on the ground. Water that made a promise sprouted.

“I’ll never let this things happen again”.

For more than two years she have never shown any weariness, I haven’t heard what i was expecting.”I’m tired of you”. That’s what she was, the first time i met her in KFC. A girl who doesn’t how to get tired of anything. Someone who keeps a power within. Someone who knows how to love so deeply and use its power to change a life. I was changed by her. But I know, I need to know a lot of things about me first. I need to know how to find myself and to love myself so I can love her back. “If you love a person you should know how to set her free”.