Giving Sports a Roundhouse Kick to the Nuts

July 2007

Thursday, July 12, 2007

Don Nelson's ever growing obsession with big men continued
this week as a slew of scouts from the Warriors were sent to the
outskirts of Erdos in north China's Inner Mongolia Autonomous Region to
witness Bao Xishun, 7' 9", exchange vows with his new wife, but more
importantly to check out the big fella's foot work on the dance floor.

Based
on reports from Nelson's sources, Bao had scouts and friends in awe
almost immediately at the Genghis Khan Holiday Resort, with an
intimidating entrance into the reception that included a backflip
reminiscent of Ozzie Smith. The Warriors' scouts became a bit discouraged, however, after best man Del Harris
made a celebratory toast and then kicked off the evening with Kool
& The Gang's "Celebration."

But the
limber tower showed just too much versatility for anyone to ignore, as
he moved effortlessly to old wedding cliches like the electric slide
and the chicken dance, while impressively changing things up with a
'Toine-esque 'jiggle shimmy' when "Gold Digger" began blaring.

According
to reports, Nelson's nephew Johnnie Nelson was there this past December
when Bao saved two dolphins from imminent doom by removing
plastic objects from their stomachs.

"You just can't deny his length and hands," Johnnie said. "Particularly that day. Just ask those dolphins."

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

ESPN's The Bronx is Burning debuted this week (did you hear?) and while Oliver Platt, Fred Savage and Ross Perot would have also been on our list to play George Steinbrenner, we couldn't help but wonder... where the hell was Larry David when they were casting this?

Through one episode, Oliver Platt, who most of you know from his role in the Oscar-nominated drama Ready to Rumble, has played an amazingly convincing Mr. Spacely with a improbable splash of the Grinch and well, Oliver Platt.

There's still time to edit this thing. Get a wig, a stand-in, a desk, record Larry's emotionally gripping impression and call it a day.

With America's eyes certain to be glued to the television tonight to watch the debut of ESPN's "The Bronx is Burning," here's a quick look at some of the other mini-series ideas that the network foolishly passed up:

In light of the recent Bill Maas arrest where the husky broadcaster was caught with a .22 caliber revolver, 5 grams of weed, 6 grams of cocaine, and 8 smuggled cheeseburgers under his tongue, we felt it would be appropriate to take a look at some of the memorable arrests in the world of broadcasting.

- John Madden stopped and searched by security after spotting suspicious object in pants. Madden gets booked
for smuggling Oscar Meyer Hot Dog cruiser into stadium along with several pounds of chicken wings.

- Government incarcerates Suzy Kolber on suspicion of her unworldly seductive powers.

Dick Towel? Dick Towel!

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