Friday, 27 April 2012

Daleks' - Invasion Earth 2150 A.D

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

- Alfred Hitchcock

Me: Before we go anywhere, I’m, going to mention a couple of things, if that’s okay with you?

Him: Yeah, sure. What be they?

Me: Okay. They be that we’re watching this on Easter Sunday and, although I’ve made one ludicrous pun that coaxed a groan from a chum, I’m pretty chuffed that I haven’t once made the obvious Dalek pun. That would have been- (Deep breath) - “EGG-SCRU-CIAT-ING!”

Silence.

Me: I’m really glad I didn’t just do that.

Him: Did you have constipation there? Or, are there… no constipations?

Me: Ha! Nonsense aside, I wanted to dedicate this one to Philip Madoc, who died recently. Is that alright with you?

Me: I can remember watching this on video at my Uncle’s. It’s such a clear memory it might even have happened. I’m fairly sure that he had a copy of this and Star Wars. This is back when a video cost more than a car, so that’s quite a library. How many times you’d watched Star Wars was used as a barometer of cool, which, oddly enough, still holds true today…

Him: I must be horribly unpopular then.

Me: I don’t know. I think it’s undergone a pole-shift.

Him: Do you think people even read these? Or do they just click through looking for whatever picture they’re after?

Me: I think that both of our followers read every comma and chuckle at every hidden gag.

Him: I’ll have to write a spin-off series about Doctor Coo now, won’t I?

Me: It’s not-

Him: “DOC-TOR COO!”

Me: -compulsory. Shall I explain that gag?

Him: Um… I don’t get- What gag? What are A, B and C?

Me: “I am the Prince of Chichester”.

Pause.

Me: I feel like we’re putting off watching this.

Him: That’s ‘cause it’s boring.

Me: It’s in colour.

Him: That’s right: I like colour.

And we’re off.

The action begins at night. There’s a chap sat in a car. A policeman walks along the deserted street, planning a holiday.

Me: It’s Wilf.

Him: Not Ian?

Me: No, he’s Wilf.

And will be referred to as such throughout, no matter how many time people tell me he should be called ‘Tom’. Anyway, the chap in the car has jumped out and whacked Wilf on the noggin with a sock full of sand.

Me: And he’s got a concussion.

A jewellers explodes and blackguards make a getaway. Wilf stumbles groggily to his feet, toots his whistle and throws a truncheon. None of this helps. He runs past a Sugar Puffs advert and spies a police box.

Me: Where’s the music coming from?

Him: The organ. The Doctor’s organ.

Me: What?

Wilf opens the door to the police box and descends into a hellish nightmare. There’s an elderly gentleman inside-

Him: He hasn’t got any pupils.

- along with Roberta Tovey and someone who isn’t Barbara. Kind of makes you wonder what happened to Barbara (and Ian) in the missing cinema tales.

Me: Who’s she?

Him: Barbara. Come on, you should know that.

Me: What are you hinting at?

Him: You can’t wait for Meglos.

Me: Hmmmm…

Overcome at the lack of Barbara, Wilf collapses. The police box vanishes and a passer-by prat-falls, stares straight at us and delivers one of the looks that so dignified cinema in the Sixties..

Him: Ha!

Me: Great. More comedy and no fourth wall.

Cue credits.

Us: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrruuuuuuuuuuu!

The title comes up and- Oh, alright, I’ll see if I can find it. You need to see this.

Me: That’s a different spelling again! That’s the third one. Right. That’s the one I’m using, as it’s on the film itself.

Him: Wouldn’t it have been cool if they’d made a film of The Chase?

Me: ‘Cool’ is an interesting word to use in the rest of that sentence.

Wilf’s quizzed as to the date by the elderly chap. Not-Barbara seems quite taken with Wilf. Ms Tovey announces arrival. The date is dropped gently into conversation.

Him: “2150 A.D.”

Introductions are made. My toes curl in anticipation.

Doctor Who: I am Doctor Who.

Me: Oh no!

Doctor Who: This is my niece, Louise. And my grand-daughter, Susan.

Him: Oo – he’s about to say “This is my time and space machine-“

Me: No!

Him: “TARDIS.”

Me: No!

Doctor Who: This is my time and space machine, TARDIS.

Me: NO!

Doctor Who: It is capable of taking us to any age, on any planet, in any universe.

Me: “As long as there are Daleks there.”

Outside TARDIS is a bit of a mess. Luckily, despite the wholesale enslavement of humanity, advertising hasn’t been massively compromised and there’s a very prominent Sugar Puffs poster just next to TARDIS.

Him: “Vetoed”.

Suzie Who: Are you sure it’s 2150?

Me:Nineteen-Fifty perhaps.

Wilf does the obligatory spluttering and non-believing bit quite well, to be fair.

Me: Wilf’s alright.

Oops. Suzie Who’s knocked a girder over. A reenactment of one of Buster Keaton’s most stolen moments seems on the cards.

Him: “No! Grandfather!”

Me: The films were always much darker.

Just kidding. She isn’t squashed.

Him: So – Suzie’s going to marry David Tennant at the end of this?

Me: No. She’s jam.

Him: “Sugar Puffs!”

Me: I’ll probably have to draw the Honey Monster as well as a Womble.

Him: There was something I had to remember. It’ll come back to me.

Me: Bit slow of mind today, are we?

Our heroes seek cover next to the Sugar Puffs poster as TARDIS vanishes under most of a house. There’s a subtle nod to Susan.

Me: Oh, she’s hurt her ankle.

Leaving Not-Barbara and Suzie Who to fend for themselves, Doctor Who and Wilf wander off through the rubble looking for a crowbar. Or something.

Him: “I’m not a half-wit.”

Me: Fair play though, Wilf’s calling him ‘Doctor’.

In a warehouse a startling discovery is made.

Him: It’s a shoe

And it’s a shoe on the bottom end of a deceased Robogumby.

Him: “Oh my God, it’s Alfred Molina.”

Me: What? How’d you know Alfred Molina?

Him: Huh?

Me: How’d you know Alfred Molina?

Him: Who’s Alfred Molina?

Me: Satipo.

Him: I know he’s Doctor Octopus. And Doctor Octagonopus.

Me: Ha!

Not-Barbara’s dipping a hanky.

Me: Meanwhile, in the sterile waters of the Thames.

Suzie Who’s gone missing. Not-Barbara turns to us for help, but we’re powerless.

Me: There’s obviously no fourth wall in 1950.

Not-Barbara, clambers up some rubble.

Him: Except that fourth wall advertising SUGAR PUFFS!

Me: Ah.

Quatermass appears and is rude.

Me: Hello, Bernard.

Not-Barbara and Quatermass elope or something. Luckily, they manage to run close enough to the Sugar Puffs poster for it to get some quality screen-time.

Meanwhile, Doctor Who and Wilf are examining their exciting find’s helmet. But they aren’t alone…

Me: Did you see David Tennant there?

Him: Are those all boxes of Sugar Puffs?

Me: Ha! No.

Hearing a sound, Doctor Who and Wilf wander through the maze of boxes.

Me: “I say, Wilf. I’ve found the Ark of the Covenant.”

Wilf tries a door, only to find that it doesn’t lead anywhere, someone having stolen the rest of the building.

Me: Oo – good stunt.

Him: This is the days before Health and Safety, isn’t it?

Me: Yeah. You’d never see the real Sean Connery riding on top of a real train through Ireland these days. And not just because he’s retired.

The sounds of shooting are heard. Not-Barbara and Quatermass pause as they spot a saucer.

Me: Looks real at least.

Him: Better than the – Oh look! I can see strings!

Me: Damn. So you can.

Doctor Who and Wilf also spot the saucer.

Quatermass pulls Not-Barbara into a subway station where Suzie Who awaits.

Me: Hob’s End station?

Him: So, in this film we have Suzie Who, Doctor Who, Someone Who and Tom Chesterton?

Me: It’s something like that. I’m calling him Wilf.

Him: Wilf Chesterton? Or Wilf Mott?

Me: ‘Wilt Moff?’

Him: No. ‘Wilf Mott’. It’s not a Steven Moffat reference.

Me: It is now.

Him: SUGAR PUFFS!

The chap playing David Tennant doesn’t look anything like him, unfortunately. He greets Quatermass’ troupe next to a picture of, what appear to be, peaches.

Me: Del Monte must’ve got some placement paid for too.

Him: So, who is she? Is she Barbara Who?

Me: I honestly don’t care.

Him: Put the subtitles on.

Me: There aren’t any.

Him: What?

Me: I know.

Doctor Who finds the dropped handkerchief, and repeats his neice’s name. Which is lucky for us, as we’d missed it before.

Me: ‘Louise’?

Him: Louise Who?

Me: Apparently so.

Robogumbies appear. And from the sterile waters of the Thames, there rises…

Him: I see a Dalek.

Doctor Who: Daleks!

Me: “Everywhere I land!”

Him: It still doesn’t make any sense that it’s in the river. Unless it was fishing.

There’s a brief confrontation.

Me: Oh. There’s the rope that’s pulling it.

Him: So, there was no-one in it?

Me: Let’s hope not.

The music funks out as Wilf and Doctor Who are taken away to the saucer we saw earlier. A new bunch of Daleks chase David, who’s observed all of this taking place.

Back in the woods, one of the Women returns from betraying our chums. She’s got carrots. Quatermass is unhappy. Carrots must be pretty expensive on the black market. He wakes Suzie Who and they Escape to Danger, being captured by a Dalek almost instantly.

Wilf and Not-Barbara are still hid in a hut.

Philip Madoc is rude to David and Doctor Who before leading them to the same hut that Wilf and Not-Barbara are waiting in. Following the joyous reunion, the Daleks’ master plan1is again discussed. It’s the whole, hollow-out-the-earth’s-core-and-take-it-for-a-spin idea.

Me: The plan’s not been improved on its journey to the cinema.

Meanwhile, in the Dalek control room, exposition is taking place. Soon, there will be a countdown…

Me: Nice bit of unsteadicam.

Doctor Who’s looking at shafts. A plan is forming.

Him: “Viaduct? Vy not a chicken?”

The plan’s basically the same as in the TV series – divert the bomb so it blows up somewhere else and magnetises the Daleks to death. Philip Madoc listens and then slips away for some prime treachery.

Him: If this wants to be in my top 10,000 films list, then it’ll end soon.

The film continues.

Me: I guess it doesn’t.

Wilf heads into the mine. There’re some interesting camera angles.

Me: There’s been some thought put into it by the director.

Wilf and someone else find the shaft. Someone else falls down it with a Robogumby.

"WE-ARE-RIGHT-OUT-OF-SIL-VER!"

Doctor Who’s been sold out by Philip Madoc. The Daleks are so happy about this they exterminate him as a reward. Philip Madoc, that is.

Wilf’s made it to the top of the shaft. The Big Red Bomb dangles…

Him: It doesn’t have spikes on it anymore.

Me: I wish the Slyther was in this.

Doctor Who, Suzie Who and Quatermass meet up in the Dalek control room. Doctor Who spots Wilf in the shaft and drops hints as to the best way to sabotage the Daleks’ plans. Following this, he hops across to a microphone and demands that all the Robogumbies attack the Daleks. Oddly, the Daleks don’t take this opportunity to exterminate him or anything. The Robogumbies take their helmets off.

Him: Why’d they take their helmets off?

There’s lots of ‘Aaargh!’ and rough and tumble.

Me: It’s a good stunt team alright.

Amidst the carnage, an old friend is wheeled out.

Me: It’s the Countdown Dalek!

Him: I’m disappointed he’s not orange and blue.

It’s all relly exciting1by this point, I have to say.

Wilf’s doing stuff in the shaft. The Countdown’s counting down. There’s a piano wandering around to help heighten the tension. Down goes the bomb.

Me: Oops.

Him: How do they know where it’s going?

There’s a chilling moment where Wilf is confronted by a Dalek. It’s got him point-blank bang to rights, so it comes as a shock that this is resolved by:

Me: “Quick! Put a blanket over it!”

Dalek Bomb: Boom!

The suddenly magnetised Daleks are sliding all over the place. One goes right through the wall. It’s all a bit violent.

Him: He lost his lights.

The red Dalek we saw earlier is magnetically tugged down the hole. Bits are lost.

Me: Oo!

Him: Unfortunately, that’s not the Stunt Dalek.

Feeling left out, the Dalek ship explodes. Outside the mine there’s general panic as the ship turns itself into a brick.

Him: “Look! Its strings have snapped!”

Dalek Ship: Boom!

Him: I didn’t think it was going to do that.

We have a very interesting, and damn funny, conversation, at this point, but I couldn’t be bothered writing it down.

Everything wrapped up nicely, it’s back to London to dig out TARDIS.

Him: What do you mean ‘slow of mind’?

Me: Ha!

We bid a bye to Wilf with a reprise of the opening scene. This time however, there’s a difference.

Me: Unfortunately, Wilf bumps into himself and the subsequent Blinovitch Limitation Effect destroys the Universe.

Him: And the Reapers come!

Me: Oh, yes.

With a final wave, that’s the cinematic adventures of Doctor Who come to an end. Unless you count the recent trailers, which we might when we get there.