American Idol: Dueling Duets

The final four sang for their suppers last night and boy was it mediocre. Just really, really kinda OK. It had its high-ish points and its low-ish ones too, but mostly it was just extremely aight.

It was Movie Music night which, no, didn't mean the contestants spent all night making up words to Alan Silvestri music. Though I wish it had. (For the Forrest Gumptheme: I am a feather floating here / Look at that crazy man / He's wearing sneakers / And a buzz-top haircut / Haley Joel Osment too.) It was just songs from movies, like cheesy pop stuff. Speaking of cheesy pop stuff, they got music genius Jamie Foxx to be the guest judge again. Yeah, he's a real pro, that one. He even brought T-shirts! Sadly he will not be singing his only song, "Blame It On the Auto-Tune," tonight. Because he already sang it last year and that's the only song he has. I mean, if you're only going to have one song, that's the song to have. It's a very serious song about people suffering from debilitating stutters. Raised a lot of money for Stuttering for the Cure. That's a beautiful charity.

Anyway. So Jamie Foxx was there, handing out T-shirts and then it was time for everyone to sing their big movie songs. There were duets, too! The producers are mean so they put the two best, Crystal & Phil, together and the two worst, Big Mike & Crancy Jodhpurs, together. "Ha ha," the judges seemed to be saying. "Here's Yay Team and there's Stink Team, with flies buzzing around them and banana peels for hats and banjos made of milk cartons. Go Stink Team, it's your birthday, you're 90, you're dead." Poor Stink Team.

Yay Team
Your cousin Phil sang "Kiss From a Rose" by Seal Klum for his solo act. (It was his best solo act since he found the scrambled adult cable channel after his friend Danny told him about it.) He was good! I mean, he was good when he did his growling thing that he does on the big notes. He's not very good on the melodies though, is he? He's definitely a poor man's Daughtry Cook. The rich man in his big solid gold house with his diamond-encrusted wife and robot dog sits in his giant chaise and sips liquid silvertinis and watches a private Daughtry Cook concert and nods his head and gives the thumbs up and lowers his sunglasses and says "Oh yeah." Meanwhile the poor man is sitting on his box house, eating old oyster shells and scratching at his fleas, while Phil Dweezy plinks out a song a little ways down the alleyway. The poor man weeps rust-water tears and says "Oh yeah..." Very sad.

Crystal Forevermax did the very moving song "I'm Alright" by Kenny Loggins from the Caddyshack soundtrack. Mm. I don't know that it was a good idea to do something so serious, you know? I mean the combination of Kenny Loggins and Caddyshack is just kind of intense. Also it was wayyy too timely! Don't give teenage girls exactly what they want to hear, which is Kenny Loggins songs from their favorite movie, Caddyshack. It was just way too powerful a choice, I was overwhelmed! (In all seriousness, do you think the sentence "Here is a Kenny Loggins song from Caddyshack" makes any remote sense to a teenage girl? It must be like hearing Dutch. "I know you're saying words, but... no.")

Then the duet! Oh goodness. I tell ya, your Aunt Karen (I talked to her the other day) says that there looked to be a little something going on between your cousin Phil and that Crista girl on the Idol show. I don't know. He's always been a little shy around girls, but she says she saw something. I mean you remember that time he got the big crush on Sue Kowalczyk when they were fifteen or so. Sue Kowalczyk, you remember her. Her dad used to run the Redner's way out in Douglassville? Oh sure, he had a big crush on her, used to ride his bike the long way home just to go by her house and see if she was out in the yard or something. Course he never said anything to her, but he was real sweet on her for a long while. And then she started dating that basketball guy, the big hotshot one, little Sammy Neighbors, guess he's just Sam now. Oh yeah, they were quite the couple, at the high school, y'know. And oh poor Phil. He was just real torn up about it. Listened to those grunge rockers in his room for weeks. Karen said she had to keep buying more tissues, cause I guess he was crying a lot or something. It was no good. So I told Keeks, I told her, "Keeks, you gotta encourage him. If you think he likes this Kristin Glowfox tell him to go for it. Sometimes Phil just sits things out, and that's no good." I think she knew what I meant. I hope she says something. I watched the tape back on Youtubes and oh gosh, that sure is a pretty song. So pretty that anyone who sings it is gonna sound good, huh? I don't know about that Carol girl's teeth, though. There's something going on there that's a little unsettling. But what do I know about young love, huh? Anyway, go bring in the groceries from the car.

Stink Team
Ohhh Stink Team stunk so bad! Barbra Streisand was wearing a teal leather jacket that was sort of unbelievable and then she sang "Mrs. Robinson" and everyone was all "Ohhhhhhhh it's about Kara!!!" and Kara really hated being called old, especially because Barbra Streisand is like way older than her. And married to James Brolin. It just didn't make any sense. But, what can you do. Babs wasn't all that bad. Actually she was really good considering there were a million octopus teenagers swaying their arms and clapping right in her face. After she sang she went back stage and said "James?? James?? Get me Lilith on the phone. I want to know just what the funny girl anyone was thinking booking this job for me. I would much rather be floating weightless in the winds of Malibu than doing this, I'll tell you that. James? Did you get Lilith? I need to talk to Lilith."

Big Mike sang a song from Free Willy.

I just thought I'd put that on its own line so you'd have some time to think about all the jokes you can make about that and now we can leave it be. Moving on. Michael Lynche put on his best wallet chain (I swear to god I am going to lose it with these wallet chains) and sang "Hold Me Like the River Jordan" or whatever that song is from Free Willy . I wish he'd sung the acoustic jam session Jason James Richter version of the song, but alas he didn't. (Ohhh would that actually existed...) It was, once again, Mike trying to have a big Moment. He's been trying sooooo hard for a Moment all season and he hasn't had one. Maybe his Kate Bush song, but that was way too early in the competition. Mostly he just does his one leg pivot-flail "Wooo!" thing that just kind of makes everyone sad and somewhere on the freeway an inspirational R. Kelly song plays fuzzily on the stereo of an old Eagle Vision and it is better than anything Big Mike has ever done. Plus, there is no wallet chain. There is lots of peeing, but there is at least no wallet chain.

The duet was the corniest thing that's ever been done on Idol since the thing that came right before it. They sang that "Didja Ever Love a Lady" song from Don Juan DeMarco, a movie that was, as near as I could ever tell, about Johnny Depp getting tangled up gauzy curtains on the beach for two hours. It's a really silly song that has a Spanish guitar theme that's not unlike the Spanish guitar theme from The Ocarina of Time (kill me now, please). And it has really silly lyrics, like "When you love a woman / Tell that woman you love her / That way she'll know that you love her / And you will make love / On the beach, in gauzy curtains / A womannnnn." It's really bad. So of course Big Mike was dyiiingggg to sing it, and poor Barbra couldn't get Lilith on the phone ("She must be at that damn chiropractor again. James, I can't believe I'm saying this, but I think we need to fire Lilith.") so she went out there too and fumbled at her guitar for a while and just kept thinking to herself This is ridiculous while Big Mike figured that he was being the most sensual, sensitive, beautiful man that's ever worn a wallet chain. After they were done, Ellen made a joke about loving a woman and everyone was all "Ohhh ha ha ha, because of lesbians." It was the best thing Ellen's done since her Free Willy joke earlier in the episode.

Dead Team
Who's going home? Ohhhhh Ima go ahead and guess Michael Lynche. Just because nobody remembers that River Jordan MJ song except for people who had the cassingle and played it in the car over and over again with their sister while their dad slowly drove toward the edge of a cliff, and people like that aren't voting for Idol. They're too busy writing about it the next day!