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Wednesday, November 10, 2010

So, I'm almost positive that someone at Plentyoffish.com is reading my blog. On a regular basis. And then generating ripple effects based on what my topic is that day. Which would also mean that whoever it is reading my blog either has multiple profiles on the website themselves or somehow communicates with random men who are members and encourages them to communicate with me. This can't be a coincidence.

Within three hours of posting on Friday, I received not one, not two, nope, not even three, but four, yes, four emails from new men on Plentyoffish. Four. All with various demographical characteristics and none really worth writing home about. Or writing back to for that matter. But, I did. Because I'm a courteous online dater (Not that I'm back on the online dating market! I promise! But, who am I to overlook the general practice of common courtesy? Especially since it totally urkes me [throwing it back 90's style there] when people don't write me back).

I won't drone on and on with my usual witty banter about the lack of quality communication in the online dating arena, because you've heard it all before and this time (all four emails) was no exception. Sidenote: Plentyoffish now has a new function where the online dater can bypass ALL communication processes and simply send someone a note that says "OnlineDaterX wants to meet you." That's it. No message, no note, not even a "Hey, wat up, shorty?" I didn't think it was possible to reach a level lower than the opening one-liner emails, but I guess that's why I haven't landed a gig as a website designer or program developer for Plentyoffish.com!

A friend of mine and I were recently talking about the woes of online dating and as we bemoaned the crop of potentials out there, an interesting point was made. It was just kind of mentioned in passing, but paired with the 3,492nd horrible email I've received via an online dating website, I got to thinking. What if...it's actually kind of scary to think about, and if I put too much thought into it, it might become a train that could easily jump the tracks at dangerously high speeds, but... what if I were to experiment with my profile? Of course, I could only do it on Plentyoffish.com since it's a free site, because I wouldn't want to take any additional unnecessary risks on a paid site. What if I was completely honest about the things that I love and the things that I loathe (although, I wouldn't use a word as strong as "loathe," maybe something more subtle like "despise") about online dating. Experimenting, of course, would imply that the men communicating with me are actually reading my profile, because without that crucial element this experiment is null and void. But, what if I kept the basic information about myself, some of my conversation-starting elements and just came up with politically correct and non-confrontational ways of saying that I'm not interested in introduction emails that say things like "Ur lips look delicious." (Direct quote). (Ridiculous).

This could be big, friends. This new approach could totally revolutionize the way I online date. Why should I hide things that are so important and meaningful in my pursuit of a potential suitor? Why shouldn't I outright say that I'm not interested in anyone who is talking to me in hopes of one-night-stands (I'm pretty sure Mr. Delicious Lips wasn't looking to take me to dinner and a movie)? Why shouldn't I say that I like to email back and forth for a little bit, possibly text, then talk on the phone and then meet and if you're not interested in the meeting part of that equation, we won't work? Most men describe their ideal woman as "honest." Would they be completely turned off by actual honesty? Why can't I say that I want someone who will truly engage me in conversation, that I'm not a shallow person who only cares about the exterior and I don't want someone like that to pursue me? That I want someone I will be able to hold a conversation with if the exterior shine ever wears off. A conversation that is more than one sentence. Again, I'd put these things in as positive a way as I could (that's where these writing skills come in handy, big time), but maybe they'd attract someone equally as frustrated as I am who will in turn appreciate my honesty. I can't do any worse than I'm doing now.

Over the course of the next week or so, I intend to focus on my online dating profile on Plentyoffish.com. I wouldn't submit a report at work without proofing it hundreds of times and probably having someone else check over it for those pesky mistakes that you miss when you're half brain-dead from working so hard. So, why not do the same for my online dating profile? Once I get a good draft under wraps, I am going to share it with you. That's right. I'm going to post it right here for the world to see. I want intense scrutiny. Some of you may not know me personally, but I'm hoping that your readership of this blog means that you like my writing style. I'll need you to help me translate what works on this blog into something that may work on my online dating profile.

Friday, November 5, 2010

So, I knew this was going to happen. Urgh. And I don't know what to do about it.

My new commitment to living online-dating-free until 2011 has been...well...a bit of a struggle. Constantly being attacked by "free communication" emails and television advertisements, I kind of feel like you do when you promise to stick to your diet at Christmas time, you know? There are plates and plates of frosted, sprinkled, sugared goodness in front of you at every turn, and you stand there glaring at them half in contempt for their mere existence on the planet and half in sheer awe at the thought of the delight they behold. Okay, maybe that's a bit over the top (because now I want some gingerbread men and sugar cookies), but you catch my drift.

As I've struggled to stay straight (drug-addict reference, not sexual preference), I realized that something was missing. I had this creative hunger that wasn't being fed. Surely I wasn't experiencing this void because of a lack of rapid-fire, useless, meaningless email communications with male counterparts in search of one-night stands love on the internet. Surely not. There had to be something else that was causing this yearning for creative and artistic expression... the blog!! My poor, innocent blog had become the victim of my dead-on-arrival social life. With no dating drama, my writing material had flat-lined, and, although my real life has been anything but uneventful, blog-worthy shenanigans have ceased to exist. For me at least. I've turned several shades of green with envy over some of the insanely blog-appropriate happenings in some of my friends' lives lately, none of which have taken advantage of these gifts from the blogging gods regardless of how adamantly I beg them. (One friend got a ridiculously inappropriate birthday card from a coworker. Wouldn't "Top Ten Worst Birthday Card Greetings" be a truly awesome blog post topic and discussion?! So frustrating.)

So, Singletons and Marrieds, I continue to have nothing to update you on. No knight in shining armor has mysteriously presented himself even though everyone I know has promised me that he'd find me as soon as I stopped looking (okay...stopped a while ago now! Come out, come out, wherever you are!). Not a single email from any men on any of the random dating sites to which I belong (it's like they know I've jumped ship!) and no Mr. Gunslinger-like real-world meetings. That element is simply because my weekends have been jam-packed with everything but potential-suitor-meeting activities, or I've just been so tired that dating has been the furthest thing from my mind. Usually as the temperatures drop outside, the desire for comfort food and comfort clothing sets in, I myself seem to settle in to life and stop actively pursuing love interests. A bit contradictory, I know, considering the fact that no one wants to be alone during the holidays. But, I think to actively pursue reminds me that I'm alone and instead, I just put it out of my mind and surround myself with celebratory, festivity-fancying friends and family. Until January.

Plans continue for the thirtieth birthday extravaganza, a little over a month away now! I'm very excited and just hope that I don't dramatize it so much in my head beforehand that I'm let down by the actual event. That's why I'm counting on all of you to help make it epic. (Again, invitation is open to those in/around/can get to the Atlanta area. If you've been a part of the last twenty-nine and eleven-twelfths years, I want you in on the celebration!)

Back to the topic at hand. I won't kid you for a second, I miss male attention. I do have some amazing friends of the male persuasion and find that when I enter these lulls in love, I contact them much more frequently. I'll randomly call them on my way home from work to talk sports, chat online or invite them out to grab a beer after work. Although they aren't usually the same types of conversations or interactions as I'd have with a potential suitor, they are quite different from those I have with my female friends and sometimes I just need that. I've always gotten along smashingly with men (which is all the more surprising that I'm single! STILL!) so I know that I need that touch of masculinity, the yin to the yang to restore the balance if things get out of whack. And right now, things are way out of whack.

So, two things I need from you, Singletons and Marrieds. Tell me. Do/did you pine away for the attention of the opposite gender or are you completely comfortable being on your own and I'm just weird? And what on this great, green earth would you like me to write about? I'm completely open to topic suggestions, no matter how off-the-wall you may think they are (Let's try to keep them PG-13, though. I can hear my mother in my head saying, "Don't put anything on the internet that you don't want read aloud in court." And yes, that tone of voice you used in your head was completely accurate. She uses the same tone when she tells me not to talk on my cell phone when I'm driving.) Let's take advantage of this downtime and start some good topic trains! Feel free to post your ideas/suggestions to this page or email me at lostinsingledom@gmail.com.