Just not willingly. It's funny because, while we want to meet our death in an unconventional fashion, we don't want it to be skydiving. We don't know why. Except that whenever we hear about somebody who has died skydiving, we say to ourselves, "What an idiot!" We don't everybody's last comment upon us to be, "What an idiot!" We want everybody's last comment upon us to be, "That must have been really one pissed-off pigeon."

In Untergang, his definitive account of Hitler's final days, Joachim Fest notes that Hitler "would lie there, completely apathetic, thinking only of ... chocolate and cake. His craving for cake had become pathological. Before, he used to eat three pieces of cake at most, but now he had them fill his plate to overflowing three times."

The man was a complete cake whore.

Fest continues, "Hitler's hunger for cake seemed to increase in inverse proportion to the shrinking of his Reich. He would often interrupt military briefings with cries of 'Little Debbie, Sara Lee, get some goddamn cake for me!'"

As his paranoia increased, however, Hitler turned on streudel.

Fest writes: "an increasingly unhinged Fuhrer began to suspect the loyalty of his cakes, and took to sending those he deemed untrustworthy to punishment battalions on the Eastern Front. He might shriek, "Liar!", or "Hairy liar cake!" or "Traitor Streudel!"

Hitler, however, never doubted the loyalty of chocolate cake. Says Fest, "On April 23, the Fuhrer personally decorated a Bavarian Chocolate Cake with the Iron Cross First Class with Oak Leaf Clusters. It was the last decoration he would award during his lifetime."

Sings like a man being penetrated by a large, mythological bird. He sings like a man who just hooped a donut over his erect penis and stuck them both into a cage filled with wolverines. He sings like a man who just stopped a fastball with his mangina. He sings like a kimono on fire. Like a squirrel thrown from an airplane. Like periwinkle.

We're here to tell you, it's real. Since winning an Oscar for best supporting timepiece for our role as Liam Neeson's wristwatch in Schindler's List, it has been all downhill. How downhill? The last credited role we got was as Carrot Top's watch inTugger: The Jeep 4x4 Who Wanted To Fly. Since then, nothing. A couple of uncredited closeups in some fisting flicks. That's it.