Labour leadership contest: the candidates

They’re a sorry bunch, but just remember: it could be so SO much worse

Following Ed Miliband’s disastrous defeat last week, we bring you an update on all the candidates who have thrown their hats into the ring for the leadership of the Labour party.

Chuka Umunna: Umunna has really won over the youth vote, with his description of West End nightclubbers as ‘trash’. He has been described as the British Barack Obama, not because he resembles the American president, nor has similar politics, but largely because white people can’t name any other black political figures.

Joseph Stalin: Often described as being ‘hard left’, Stalin has vowed to bring “ambitious if slightly ruthless collectivization” to the modern Labour party, and has promised competing candidates that he won’t kill them if they pull out now.

Liz Kendall: Liz has suggested that it is time for Labour to have a female leader, but it is widely agreed that she’s probably just on her period and getting huffy, or about to break out into children or something.

Yvette Cooper: whatever qualities Yvette has are sadly obscured by the fact that she is married to Ed Balls, a politician as popular as diarrhoea in a swimming pool.

Arthur Scargill: On the subject of his candidacy, Scargill said “Please can I rejoin the Labour party? Old age is boring, and I’m really lonely.”

David Miliband: David has announced he will stand “just to show up my gawky little brother”. His candidacy is fully endorsed by the Conservatives, who would like a free run in 2020.

Karl Marx: A terrific writer, analyst, and gifted with a prophetic understanding of capitalism, Marx has managed to espouse a more coherent version of socialism than any writer since. Unfortunately he is dead. Like, so dead that the bones have probably gone all green and crumbly.

Tony Blair: Tony says “To be honest, I just want to fuck with you all one more time.”