Book Review – “Beyond Betrayal” by Lisa Taylor

Wednesday, June 22nd, 2016

I’ve been looking forward to writing this book review for quite a while. My goal was to read this book before meeting Lisa Taylor (the author) at a conference in April. Although I didn’t quite have it read before we met – I was able to finish the book literally the day after. (I’m always running about a day late, yah know?!)

I’ve corresponded with Lisa via email for a good year now and then prior to April I was able to meet her via a video conference when she interviewed me for a video she was working on for her blog. I mentioned it in this blog post and there is a link to the video there as well.

Something you must know – Lisa is one of the sweetest women. She is so warm, grounded, confident. She is the REAL deal.

She and I have a special connection in that neither of us are licensed therapists. We don’t have a bunch of random letters after our names (I think she might, actually, but I don’t.). I have certainly worked through my insecurities related to this, especially because I came from a profession where I was highly educated and prideful because of it.

Oh how God allows us to work through our junk when he strips us of the things we hold in high esteem. Oh yes.

Okay, so let’s get to the review –

Name of the Book: Beyond Betrayal: How God is healing women and couples from infidelity by Lisa Taylor

Trigger Level: Low. Read more about trigger levels here and why I think it’s important to be careful especially early on in the process.

What I Liked About the Book: Almost everything. Truly, too much to list here. At the least, let me give you a glimpse into a couple of the things that really spoke to me –

Lisa’s drunken driver analogy – Lisa is driving home (no pun intended) the point that a lot of recovery programs tend to blame the wife and care for the husband. This not only happens in recovery programs but also in churches and in families. Lisa then gives the following analogy – It would be like if a drunk driver ran over a pedestrian and instead of tending to the injured pedestrian, everyone ran to the aide of the drunk driver – consoling and assisting him – all the while yelling at the pedestrian. Wow. So true.

Lisa shares a stat that she heard at the IACSAS conference in 2015 that 4 out of 5 men won’t engage recovery until their wife gives them an ultimatum. Wow (again). This doesn’t surprise me and I want more wives to realize that although they can’t change their husband, they can raise the bottom that their husband’s need to hit.

Chapter 9 – The Last to Go – I’ve read the first couple of paragraphs in some of my groups because I feel like it really gets to the heart of the matter. It’s so important for wives early on in this process to understand that oftentimes, the lying, is the last to go. And time and time again, so many women say the lies are the most damaging and the one thing that they know they can’t live with. They can look past some of the other character defects – but the lying – no way. Love, love, love this chapter.

I was so fascinated by the section Lisa did in Chapter 10 on Spiritualizing. In it, she mentions a verse that oftentimes is misused. It’s Ephesians 5:22, “Wives submit to your husbands. As to the LORD.” She then goes on to share a bit about the context of this verse. I couldn’t get enough of it! So often, us Christian wives feel confused. I can hear it now, “But I’m supposed to submit to my husband.” Or even a husband saying, “She should be submitting to me and having sex whenever I want it. Ephesians 5:22.” Grasping the context of this verse puts it in such a different perspective. Too much to explain here, but if you are intrigued – pick up Lisa’s book!

I could go on and on, but hopefully that gives you guys an idea.

What I Didn’t Like About the Book: I don’t think there is a page in this book that I didn’t like. It is so well written.

There is one section that I’d like to offer my personal perspective on. It’s in regards to the pharmaceutical debate Lisa mentions in Chapter 3. She shares the stories of several women that experienced set backs related to prescription medications. The stories are scary.

Lisa does a great job of sharing her personal bias that she prefers the natural route as well as stating that “every woman’s choice on this matter must be respected.”

With that being said, here is my personal experience related to medication. First, know that I never thought I’d need any sort of mood stabilizer. Especially after what Jason and I went through – I guess I felt like I was good to go.

But that wasn’t the case. Two summers ago, as you guys know, I hit rock bottom. And part of my self-care plan involved medication. I received resistance from those I loved as well as from myself. It was a really hard choice to make.

But I did it. And I don’t regret it.

This was something I wanted to hide from the world. Honestly, I think I judged myself for being on medication.

5 thoughts on “Book Review – “Beyond Betrayal” by Lisa Taylor”

June 23, 2016 | 01:54 pm

I’ve got the book, and have actually corresponded with Lisa via email about the special circumstances that women of color face when dealing with betrayal trauma.
Very delightful!
She really got me. There are images in magazines and television that I as a woman of African American and Native Anerican descent do not fit. My beauty is not the world’s beauty, so most of the images our husbands see are not going to look like us in any for no matter what we do.
We tend to have fuller noses, lips, different hair textures, fuller hips and thighs, and darker skin which does not fit American beauty standards.
Talk about rejection! And if our husbands thought that women of Anerican Beauty standards are better what could we do?? Whom do we tell this to in therapy?
Most therapists have been embarrassed by my disclosure about this part of betrayal trauma.
So, where does it leave us??
It’s not the same pain. When you are rejected because of what you are not just because your husband’s brain is warped by porn than its a double edged sword.
I thank you for your ministry, Shelley.
I just wanted to expose a very painful part of betrayal trauma that is unique to a particular segment of wives.
Thank you for your understanding.

June 23, 2016 | 02:38 pm

Shelley: thank you so much for your review of BB. I’m so touched to know that something I’ve said, you’ve been able to take to your groups — and it’s helping women there. I know I regularly take your wisdom to my groups (that’s obvious when one of my groups is doing Rescued as our workbook — but I mean the wisdom here on the blog as well 🙂 Bless you — and thank you for your vulnerability in sharing the harder parts of the journey. You are such a special sister — and a blessing to so many.

June 23, 2016 | 08:25 pm

In regard to possibly being helped temporarily by anti depressants: I say yes to this if it is monitored and used for a season. When I was in the throes of recovery from my husbands adultry, I suffered greatly with PTSD symptoms. Two months after the reveal I had a massive grand mal seizure in a store. I had not had a seizure in 30 years! Then, I developed sciatica out of the blue and lost too much weight from grief. The two counselors I saw did not put any focus on what I now call “Adultery Recovery Triage”. I eventually sent a list of helpful suggestions to these counselors months later. #1. Walks, lots of walking or exercise of any kind. #2. Paying attention to NOT medicating ourselves with food or alcohol. #3. Stretching or yoga classes #3. “Acudetox”, which is medical accupuncture in 5 points of the ear only by a trained professional. It’s used for PTSD and calms nerve overload down. Its a standard $5 per treatment and is becoming more and more popular across the nation. & is painless. #4. Prayer with a prayer partner or trusted circle of a few trusted Godly women. #5 Temporary Anti depressants or natural anti depressants such as “Sam E” which is now available in most drug stores, as well as Vitamin B12 shots which are inexpensive , or in liquid oral doses. #5. Meditating on Gods word. #6. FInd opportunities to laugh or at least smile or be THANKFUL about. Its been almost 3 years and I have come a very long way thanks to the Lord Jesus and His grace. I am still with my husband and we are succeeding in building a new marriage. Its the hardest thing I’ve ever encountered, but with God and cooperation between my husband and me, it’s definitly highly possible!! We are not without hope. Love has returned, a different kind of love, not an immature love, but more real, more substantial, more vulnerable, more forgiving.

July 6, 2016 | 01:00 pm

Love your positive review of this. Your high points are great, and I especially resonate with this: ** It’s so important for wives early on in this process to understand that oftentimes, the lying, is the last to go.** I think I often feel hopeless that we are not farther along, because we are years into this…and my H insists that he is repentant…and the more I read–especially what you have written–I am realizing tha he is only repentant for the porn. He is not repentant for the lies, and he continues to protect his ‘talent’ for lying. I think the reason the lying is so hard it that we can’t work through any of the conflict, because we actually both agree on what we want…but that lies make it impossible to actually work toward that.
Thank you for this post! I need to get that book!

December 30, 2016 | 09:33 am

Your post touched me in all positive ways. You are very real and I am pleased to hear of the renewing of your relationship with your husband. My 2015-2016 recovery from PTSD, etc.and living through four discoveries of my husband’s addiction only to learn of his escalating to child porn

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