How to Survive an Encounter with the dragon Baelyxxterrix, the Bully

By an unfortunate chain of events–your entire life–you have found yourself in proximity to the legendary eggshell-white dragon Baelyxxterrix, the Bully, bane of dinner parties, the mean dragon at recess, the relentless asshole of dragon social circles. Though your fortune looks bleak, with some wit and this guide, you may just live long enough to make a few ugly babies.

Step 1. Engage the BeastThe manner in which you engage Baelyxxterrix depends largely upon your environment. If you are at a child’s birthday party and the 6-story sky-drake lands on the gift table, then find the birthday child and present it to the mighty guest with at least 2 gift baggies because a child is something of a white elephant gift on its own. If you meet the white calamity in his cave beneath the unyielding permafrost of Antarctica, then produce a small house plant or bottle of wine as Baelyxxterrix loves housewarming gifts. If you somehow meet the winged harbinger of too-personal jokes at a locale other than a small party or his cavernous frosty abode, then sigh, say “Excuse me. You’re in my bubble,” and he will spare you as causing unease is one of the hobbies he lists on his eHarmony account.

Step 2. Strike Up ConversationDraw upon your unpleasant encounters at bus stops, your uncomfortable conversations with street urchins, recall every time you said “you too” when your waiter said “enjoy your food.” Recall, and recount your cringe-tales to the greedy beast. If your embarrassing stories are sufficient, the great drake will release a plume of smoke which will smell like you in middle school, then he will close his eyes and absorb the released unease of your life. If your stories are not satisfying to Baelyxxterrix, he will cast you into an endless nightmare in which you are being rejected by everyone you invite to your high school prom.

Step 3. Be ImpressiveWhile the beast is busy exalting in the tales of your inadequacies, use the slick hair gel you always have on hand, and make yourself look cooler–it shouldn’t be hard (I mean, look at you). After your hair is properly aerodynamic, place your toothpick between your upper right 2nd molar and lower right 2nd premolar; if you fail in this, you will die, and Baelyxxterrix will tell all his friends about it. Now, while his eyes are still closed, make sure your love interest is close enough to see you, but far enough that any furious wing-flapping will not bludgeon them to a romantically unavailable pulp.

Now, if you’re ready, it is time to do what this step demands: be impressive. Remove your regulation juggling balls–if they are not up to code, you will not survive–and toss the first ball with perfect control and grace. The second ball should immediately follow. Mighty Baelyxxterrix’s eyes will open as he hears the challenge, and he will watch for your failure so he may absorb that too. As stars in distant galaxies explode in cosmic plasma tsunamis, release the third regulation 5 inch diameter firetruck red ball into the sky; your life is rotating in thirds between your hands. In select cases, thunderstorms have been known to roll above the head of the chosen juggler; expect that. Seal your victory for the smooth gods of cool to witness: throw heavenward the final ball. Be lithe, be agile, be impressive, and the monstrous one shall faint, overwhelmed by your natural cool.

Step 4. Slay the BeastLet the tools of the dragon’s defeat fall to the ground. They’ve done their job. Pull your broadsword tempered hyper-meteor from its sealskin sheath on your back–where everyone keeps it nowadays. Wrap your arm around your love interest. With a line dancer’s synchronicity, step with your beloved toward the fallen horror. Raise your blade to the sky, look at yourself in its reflection; marvel at your kickin’ new hairstyle, then plunge your mighty weapon into Baelyxxterrix’s unguarded face. You’ve done it, and you deserve none of the credit because you used a guide, loser.