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Poems, Prayers and Promises

“Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?”
~ Mary Oliver

I saw a new lyme doctor yesterday. Why a new doctor? It goes like this:

The first doctor I saw diagnosed me but wouldn’t treat me because ‘lyme was contentious and he was trying to fly under the radar’. My second doctor treated me aggressively with antibiotics and herbs, saving my life. The AMA put restrictions on his practice and prevented him from offering treatment to lyme patients. My third doctor – highly respected as a lyme physician here in Australia – had one appointment with me, where he prescribed a new and intense drug regime, shortly after which he took leave of absence for health reasons. I waited and waited for him to come back to work, and then found out in late December that he was no longer treating lyme patients as their immediate physician.

Meanwhile symptoms I’d not had for a long time had flared up, new problems had emerged, and I was keen to find someone who knew what they were doing and who could offer me continuity of care. After realising there was no-one in charge of me and not likely to be for some time I’ve been winging it, with a little help from my kind and courageous GP, and my own intuition. Winging it, I think I’ve done quite well, but still, I’m no doctor.

As you might imagine, I woke apprehensive. Discussions with other doctors had suggested that this year I’d have an even more harsh offering of drugs to take. That this year would need to be hard-core to make up the ground I’d so recently lost. I’d been told I’d need to see this new doctor and follow her own strict protocols as well as conventional lyme protocols for at least a year to get results.

I’m so tired of the pain, the brutality, the isolation imposed by both the disease and the treatment. As I lay in bed yesterday I offered up a prayer to the Universe. Let me get my answer today, I affirmed. I promise that whatever I am shown, I will honour that path.

In my mind I’d already decided that this doctor would be the last one. Intuition had led me to her. I’d already been given guidance in my channelled sessions that this year I would eventually forgo drugs. I would eventually forsake the last vestiges of traditional medicine, and I would find a way to heal, thoroughly and well.

This is it, I thought. My last roll of the dice.

But it didn’t feel like luck. It felt like I was standing on the edge of a cliff, from which I would either fall or fly.

Paradigm shift. They were the words that kept playing in my head. Those words and the fragment of a Mary Oliver poem, Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?

I knew I was missing something. Some vital thing. A key that would unlock this whole mess. A clue that would break me open and in the same breath begin to piece me back together again; gently, gracefully and with meaning.

I sat in the doctor’s office and we talked shop. Drugs, stats, bloods, symptoms, history. The usual. All the things she’d asked for.

‘You’re psychic,’ she said, reading my file, where for once I’d been bold enough to list that as my occupation. ‘That’s a real gift. Intelligent too, I can see. No-one would have developed this complexity of treatment protocols for themselves without deep intelligence.’

She looked at me, and held my gaze. ‘This isn’t my usual approach. But I assume you’re good at what you do too. I can see you have most of this under control. I don’t need to spend time discussing diet and nutrition with you. You’ve done most of the things I would recommend. I can see how sick you’ve been. How sick you still are. And you and I both know I can’t heal you – that healing comes from some other place. So, what do you need to heal – quickly, easily and with grace? How could you love your dis-ease?’

This wasn’t how I’d expected the session to go. I’d expected that she would tell me.

‘It’s funny,’ I said to her after pausing to gather my thoughts. ‘I fought so hard not to be psychic. But lyme stripped everything else away from me until it was the only thing left that I could do.’

I thought a bit more, and a realisation came to me like rays of light penetrating a deep dark forest. ‘You know,’ I said, leaning towards her, ‘when I do my psychic work, no matter how ill I might be, I move into a different space. A higher vibration. For that time I operate as if I don’t have lyme. And the effect lasts for a few hours afterwards, before I eventually come back into this disease state.’

She kept looking at me, holding that space for me, and suddenly I knew. Words tumbled out of me…

‘I’ve been so ashamed to be who I am. To be psychic. I’ve felt so guilty that I did not turn out the way my parents and teachers expected. The way society expected.’ I knew it to be true as they were coming out of my mouth. Guilt. Shame. Judgement. Such low vibration words. The complete opposite of the way I felt when I was firmly in my truth, owning my gift and living as a psychic, a shaman, as a spirit woman, guide and teacher. There I was open, I was light, I was in flow and everything in the world was beautiful and good. I was everything and everything was in me, and it was all as it should be. Peaceful. Blissful. Oneness.

There was more. I realised that I’d always held an expectation that when I eventually became well, that I should go back to my corporate life – the life in which my family and I had been so invested.

How could I ever be well when being well would mean walking away from my soul truth and my integrity to go back to living a life path dictated by others?

The shift in me was strong and immediate. Peace surged through me and calm lit every cell.

All I needed to do was own who I am. The beauty and the power and the strange rightness of this life. Of my skills and talents. Of my passion and my gift.

We both decided I need a light amount of drugs for a mop-up of one of my co-infections. A little retweaking of this and that, some healing and rewiring at an energetic level. I’ll keep using my herbs and essential oils. I’ll keep using my meditation and energetic healing. We’ll play it by ear, listen to my body’s own wisdom and see where that takes me. There’s some rebuilding to be done, some repair. But it is all fixable. It’s already shifting.

Finally, I have found a doctor who speaks my language and who can respect and mirror back to me what I most need to hear.

When I got home there was a message in my inbox. Dana, my PA, had forwarded me a poem sent by a lady called Illona. Thank you, Illona. It was so very timely.

It’s no coincidence that it’s also a Mary Oliver Poem.

I present the message in its entirety below:

Message: Nicole, I see this so much as who you are:

Today again I am hardly myself.

It happens over and over.

It is heaven-sent.

It flows through me

like the blue wave.

Green leaves – you may believe this or not – have once or twice emerged from the tips of my fingers

somewhere

deep in the woods,

in the reckless seizure of spring.

Though, of course, I also know that other song, the sweet passion of one-ness.

Just yesterday I watched an ant crossing a path, through the tumbled pine needles she toiled.

And I thought: she will never live another life but this one.

And I thought: if she lives her life with all her strength

is she not wonderful and wise?

And I continued this up the miraculous pyramid of everything

until I came to myself.

And still, even in these northern woods, on these hills of sand, I have flown from the other window of myself to become white heron, blue whale,

Oh my goodness how that validated everything I had seen and felt and known earlier that day. It was as if the Universe herself had turned up in my inbox to reflect to me the truth of that insight I was finally brave enough to own in my heart.

There is such wisdom and grace in the world when you open yourself to it.

About Cauldrons and Cupcakes

Hi! I'm Nicole Cody. I am a writer, psychic, metaphysical teacher and organic farmer. I love to read, cook, walk on the beach, dance in the rain and grow things. Sometimes, to entertain my cows, I dance in my gumboots. Gumboot dancing is very under-rated.

That poem bloody marvellous and finding a doctor who understands you is so wonderful, I know the path you have taken to get to her was a tough one but maybe it was one you needed to travel but you have finally reached her and here’s hoping that she it the last doctor you will need to see, as always you are in my thoughts and prayers

Oh my! And the message is for everyone. It is not necessary to suffer isolation and pain in order to be of service in your true talents to the world. (Although it can be a valuable part of the path). Thanks for your sharing. May good things come your way and happiness. ❤

Oh Nicole – this is SO perfect! I am both crying and smiling as I type this- pondering how so easily we can all miss the really bleeding obvious in ourselves. And possibly we always will and we need that kind and loving ‘other’ to deeply tune into us and ask the question that can fully unleash the power of the Universe within. And I love seeing parts of the medical system being so wise, compassionate and courageous. This seemed like a wonderfully feminine interaction on so many levels. Much much love Nikki XXX PS I am in Brisbane for a couple weeks still with Ingrid and her new baby, so if you had time for a cuppa and chat it would be wondeful. 🙂

Hi Nicole
What a journey you have been through to find and own your true self. I’m so sorry you have suffered so much with this Lyme disease and yet you have still been helping, guiding and teaching us all at the same time.
I really need to read your powerful words again as alarm bells were ringing true for me when I was reading it as I ‘know’ I need to somehow gather strength to find and own my true self.
THANKYOU Nicole, and all my very good wishes, thoughts & love to you in your next step of your journey.
Nat xx

How wise you are to have found this beautiful doctor who saw you for who you truly are and helped you to see yourself more clearly.

What a rich payoff for your courage of disclosure.

I am proud to know you, proud of your courage when you blog so honestly, as you do so often, and grateful that you do the extraordinary work you do that helps so many people understand who they truly are.

Exactly what Ura just said! Ditto! ditto! ditto!
I have been doing a little research on Dolores Cannon’s Quantum Healing Hypnosis Therapy, in fact I have a session set up for late February, perhaps that is something you could look into also? There have been some amazing positive results regarding this. I have noticed that there are some practitioners of QHHT in Australia. Wishing you all the best of outcomes Nicole! Sending you much love! And again, Thank You for all that you do for this Earth and Humanity! And I also believe perhaps that this is the universe’s nudge for you to embrace your Psychic & Healing talents! As I think the Earth and Humanity needs you far more than the corporate world does! Much love to you Nicole!

That was the best news I’ve read in a while!!! Yay ! It is so brilliant that you stated your ‘real’ occupation and that she has acknowledged it rather that being dismissive, which is very refreshing for the medical fraternity. I resonate with the part about your occupation and trying to fit in – it sounds like a massive shift has happened. However we, the woo woos, accept your occupation, your kind, nurturing self exactly as you are and always will……
It’s going to be an awesome year ! much love xxxxx

There aren’t any words for what I feel right now after reading this blog….. just thank you, thank you, thank you Nicole. Your journey…. my journey…. all of our journeys are just taking us back to our beautiful knowing Hearts. xo

Amazing! I’m so happy for you. And so effing angry at things I’m seeing within faculties of the Australian government at the moment. Our legal dept and now the AMA, both of whom we should be able to trust yet can’t.

That’s one hell of a doctor you’ve found yourself there! I’ve never gone the allopathic route with my lyme, only done salt/C and homeopathy. At first because we didn’t have a lyme doc in our whole state, and later because I knew my body would never handle the harsh regimes as it has become so sensitized to chemicals, medicines, foods, perfumes, seemingly everything! The long journey to healing, not yet ended, has also brought me down to the bones of who I am. In my case, a writer. It strips away all the crap, doesn’t it!

I also sitting on your bed with the above (I do hope you have a sturdy bed) and holding your hand . I am across the oceans but in spirit I am there or you.
Your beautiful heartfelt post resonates with me this morning , for completely different reasons , but it is there just the same .
The brightly coloured bricks of life have been stacked a little too high lately and I can feel them slipping and showing shades of pastel grey .
Perhaps we both need to back to the nursery and use what was given to us… I wish you the best of luck dear Nicole .
The beautiful poems by Mary Oliver and David Whyte are a delight .
Cherryx

Oh wow Nicole!!! Beautiful to read, getting chills down my spine. If only all doctors worked like that…. The health system would be totally different… Am grateful you found this doc to support you on this path! 😘

Your story gave me goosebumps and made me cry simultaneously. Amazing that the body knows its own truth and that your journey to self realisation and acceptance was realised through another. Thanks for sharing your wonderful story.

It seems as if you have found a doctor who has almost as much courage as her patient. I never thought of myself as a psychic, certainly not on your level, but have been told that I was many times. Yet, I do know when we have found the path for us, we must take it. It has been a decade since doctors gave up on me, telling to resign myself to being crippled by the damage to my nerves, disks… Their medicines made me deathly ill. I purged myself from them and out of desperation, began to listen to my body. It has made all the difference. All the best, Léa

Having had absolutely wonderful synchronicity each time I have had the pleasure of having a session with you, I cannot state highly enough how you looked into my soul, saw what I needed to hear and dealt with it with such integrity, honesty and delightful humour. I have always left you feeling empowered, understood and nurtured, with a plan. You have incredible insight and compassion and you are the voice that speaks from my toenails up to the top of my head with wisdom, love and beingness. I have never ever ever doubted your abilities as they have always rung true to me, again with the most delightful humour and fun. I am your silent spirit sistah on the sideline jumping up and down and waving the pompoms for you darling girl. Wow such a beautiiful breakthrough for you and your ever supportive honey-buns Ben. Bert and HarryDog! xx

Goose bumps and inner openings…thank you for a powerful and honest sharing.
Here’s a gift for you from East Arrente country…blessing x

I am
I am that I am
I am that whole, that one
Same amazing, same awesome, same God
I am vast land and country, sacred ground
I am the Ancestors that came before me
And I am the newborn that will become elders
I am the dry riverbeds and valleys once known as ocean
Still in cycle
Still part of the whole, that one
Same, same
That I am
Constellations in my eyes
Red dust under my nails
I am that vibration too
In this now
No war in my mind, not here
Only peace, only peace, only peace
This beautiful peace
That I am
I have always been whole
And I will always be that
I am awesome
My song
My dance
My vibe
Same, same
As that awesome God, that one
I am Sanctified

Wow wow wow! So happy for you Nicole! Thank you again for your sharing. So comforting to know that such medical practitioners exist who are open to divine guidance and different ways of healing. Blessed be. Big hugs to you xxx

Wow …what a blessing that Dr is…you are going to really heal now.I’m so thrilled for you…I have a cute little lady Dr who gives me Lourdes water she brought back from France . What a great surprise for the New Year for you and Ben.

Oh, Nicole, the tears welled in my eyes as I read your post. Tears of empathy, of understanding, of joy.
I wonder how many amazing, wonderful souls among us feel shame and guilt and try to stuff down who we are. It’s agonising. Once we start to listen and understand we realise our body always send us messages or react to our thinking when we are off track. Gosh. I
Also, tears for the wonderful doctor you found who was brave enough to step outside the box and dared to find another way and to have a conversation that frankly would scare other doctors.
Wonderful wonderful you. Enjoy you. Be you. Thrive and rejoice.
Much love, Shannyn

Wisdom and Grace indeed! The messages so clear and beautiful. A mirror for me too and a reminder to stay grounded in the truth of what we really came here to do.
I am so super happy for you. I loved reading this post you have an incredible gift Nicole and I am so grateful to know you. Lots of love <3 Lucy