Monthly Archives: July 2013

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So despite this being the last week at my job, it was actually a damn good one, oh well. The post today stems on a interesting thing I am going to call the ‘Harem Effect’, and how I found myself at the center of it.

As a reminder, I worked in the forest, running a chainsaw and occasionally leading volunteer groups. This was a religious group from Missouri, flatlanders to say the least. One of the vans was too scared to drive the dirt roads, so I had to pilot the vehicle. I hop in (my hair is a bit shaggy right now, and havent shaved so have a beard, and I am dressed in camo) I get in ‘Hi im Erudite Knight, lets rock’ and slammed it into gear. Someone called me ‘Its a mountain man!’

The girls were screaming as we were taking the roads. During the gentler hills a girl in the back (they are like 18ish) asked me ‘Will you be my best friend forever?’ I laughed, when suddenly a different girl asked if I would marry her, and few others asked various things. I was thinking ‘ok whatever, typical dumb girl games’.

These girls between their screaming start asking me things about what I like, ‘what kind of music you like?’ ‘Metal’ ‘Whoa mountain man likes metal!?’

We get out, and all these girls flock me. What happened was that a single girl showed some (possibly just curious) interest, but then all the other girls seized upon what I call the Harem Effect. Which is basically if one girl makes it clear she is interested, suddenly you are not the ‘weird guy’ or ugly guy or creep or whatever. Suddenly every girl wants you. Undoubtedly it stems back from ancient history of the alpha male every female fawned over, that it did not matter he had multiple women, as a woman you wanted him too.

Throughout the day, any girl that was part of the group that was expanding would say hi, wave, ask me questions etc. I would hear little whispers of ‘hes so cute!’ or girls coming up and laughing telling me so and so liked me.

At lunch I took my hat and sun glasses off for the first time to the reaction of the girls, they said they wanted a picture with me. So imagine the scene, that of like 60 people, this group of 10 girls gathers up with me at the center to take pictures. Some guys tried to get in, and the girls screamed at them ‘its just us and the mountain man!’

It was energizing, and self-reinforcing. I had ‘hand’ ‘higher value’ or any of the other PUA terms out there, and it was so EASY to keep it flowing. I did not have to resort to beta moves. ‘So and so thinks you are cute!’ just a gentle smile, nod and return to work. Boom! Critical hit.

I was alpha to these girls, and because they believe I was, it was so much easier to keep it flowing, which only lead to more alpha. Feedback loops are very real, and in this case I was in a positive one. Even the moms were trying to flirt with me.

So EK dominated some young girls, big deal right? If you think that you are missing the point. Regardless of what society says, biologically, girls aged late teens-26~ are ideal in terms of fertility. I would have not touched these girls though with the rampart laws basically ready to jail any guy for even looking at a girl these days, but the point remains that absent of so-called laws, biologically what happened here could easily have been transformed into a success.

A lot of it had to do with the fact that I was in a position of power from the start being the ‘leader’. It is a fit of irony that in a difference situation these girls would not have even talked to me. But circumstances are huge in life.

As an aside, I can not believe this younger generation, they all have twitters, and instagram (I never even heard of that shit, I guess you upload pics of your face…stupidity). One girl was like ‘I put up my new instagram and got 50 likes!’

So think about this for a moment…this girl is fucking REARED on her stupid decisions (like putting your face on the internet) gets her REWARDED with dopamine fixes and tells her mind that at least 50 people (probably 48 of them were guys) ‘like’ her for this dumb shit.

Do you start to understand how fucking CRITICAL it is to not be like every other guy, to not be a beta chump for even a moment, to be a badass alpha who does not give a SHIT about her existence!? How can you possibly compete otherwise when a ‘selfie’ (which is a picture of your face from your cell phone…I despise the word) garners such support?

When the girls found out I was not on facebook…you know what it did? It made them intrigued. I wasn’t like other guys. I didn’t give a shit about being a clone like the rest of the guys they interacted with.

Truly, truly remember this, girls today are spoiled beyond fucking belief. But if you somehow crack that societal shell, underneath they are still just girls, with biological conditioning wired for ‘alpha’ guys.

****

An update on swedish girl: I called her yesterday, and we talked a bit, I asked if she wanted to meet and she said she wanted to but had to find her schedule out on monday because she was at a conference. I asked her if she could get a vehicle, and she said she hasnt met her host family yet. I laughed at kind of the forcefulness of the request what it might be interpreted as: ‘yo bitch, you are in my country, find a car and come see me’

She said she would call monday (when is the last time an american bitch ever volunteers to call?) later I reinforced her calling ‘Ok, well call me up monday and let me know’. I figure it is a good test, either she calls, and its on, or she doesnt, and it might not be over, but then I know the score anyway.

I was moving to end the conversation and she was like ‘Thank you for calling, I am so happy you called!’. It made me smile, girls could take a lesson in fucking showing some appreciation. I dont HAVE to call their used slutty asses. I said bye, and she was giving a long goodbye when I hit the END button before she had finished.

Those are the facts. We will see what happens. The situation is interesting, she is a cool (and hot) girl, but I am under no delusion this can not go anywhere. She is in town for only 2 more weeks. Clearly she knows that too, so I am not sure what she might be thinking. Girls, Sophia and Liz, any help here?

Alright america girls, listen the fuck up, there is a thing called receptivity, and I had the most amazing awe-fuckinging-inspiring encounter with a foreign girl today because of one simple: RECEPTIVITY

9 women for every guy over there

I have read a lot on blogs about the supposed superiority of foreign girls, and the trashiness of american, and while I saw the later, I had nothing to base the former off of. Supposedly they were nice, they were feminine, they cared, they weren’t complete sophists…

Today I worked with a group of internationals who go around volunteering around the world, and they were with my group today. To start this off, first was an american girl who worked on the ranch, I had met her before, and went to go talk to her. Merely opening my mouth, she looked appalled I was talking to her. Recalling a detail from last time (that we both worked out, doing HIIT) she was cold, turning her body away from me, and looking like ‘why the hell is this guy talking to me?’ I got the message and left that bitch alone. Typical american trash, I was trying to be nice and she gave a shit…because she was raised to be a little princess who everyone dotes on. No wonder ‘fake alpha’ game is so effective, I should have said ‘get the fuck outta my way bitch’ and she would have liked me more.

Fast forward, all the foreigners spilling out of the bus are smiling, joyous, and happy. And…what the hell, like 50% of these girls are cute?! Where is the diamond in the rough 1/50 or 2% america put up for cuteness?

We get about work for the day, and I am talking to the girls from various countries. They are nice, communicative, interesting, engaging. I start to hear rumors that Sweden is some sort of holy land where the hottest of people evidently originate from.

There is one tall, blonde hair blue eyed girl who is turned away, I go up ‘what country are you from?’. Oh yeah, and she is fucking hot.

She turns around, smiling a gentle smile, happy someone is talking to her “I am from Sweden!” Then get this…it is revolutionary because american girls never do this: she continued talking.

It wasn’t something like ‘where are you from?’ ‘New york.’ *sneer*/turn away

It was her answering my question, then fucking continuing to talk, and to ask about me. She had insanely open body language (if you dont understand body language, do yourself a favor and read a book on it, it will blow your mind) like her legs were facing, her arms were turned palms open, she was smiling and laughing.

Here I thought it would be a simple answer to a question and I would move on, turned to it me and this girl facing each other talking. She didn’t pull out a phone, didn’t look around behind her, didn’t give one word answers till the guy tired, she was discussing things with me like a human being…and it was sadly revolutionary.

I can not tell you how novel a girl with receptivity was, a girl I had just met. All the foreigners were like this, and this girl even more so. She was asking about stories of mine, if I had ever been out of the country, when I told her I swam the rio grande, and that is how I got to a foreign country she was saying how brave and adventurous I was. (As an aside, I haven’t shaved in about 40 days, so I got a legit mountain man beard going)

What I realized, was a critical difference here, say this was an american girl asking what I did, ‘Oh I hiked, once I swam the rio grande to get into mexico’ and the girl would be thinking ‘this guy is such a poser, look at him trying to impress me’. Conversation here has devolved to this weird one-upmanship, and saying simple shit like ‘I go hike mountains’ is inundated with subtle meanings, typical betaish because the girl thinks you are trying to impress her. It doesnt matter if she actually likes hiking, 99% of girls will not be like ‘wow, I love hiking too, tell me about x…” She asked about hiking and being a nomad, and I asked her about skiing.

She told me I should come to Sweden and she we show me around, or her friends would (in my mind I was like ‘yeah right, more fakes lies like most girls…’) and was saying stuff about contact info. Some guy swooped in, and I was like (here is where she disengages) but she cordially introduced herself, and rapidly turned back to talk to me. The guy whispered ‘I was going to tell you to go back to work, but she is hot, so keep it up’.

We walked around working a bit, and simple suggestions ‘here lets go this way’ were not met by bitchy ‘No, I think I will go this way’ defiance american girls instinctively have. We talked about a hour or more, and she was constantly laughing, smiling, and being energetic, it was not a slave energy-draining conversation like american girls are.

I asked her who was better out of swedish or american girls ‘its not close. american girls are fat and selfish. Swedish girls are beautiful, nice, fun, and easy going’ Well, I’m sold.

The end was coming, and there was a leader talking, and normally a girl would break off ‘just to listen’ but she was looking at me, and was like ‘here let me give you my facebook name’ me- ‘I dont have facebook’ her-‘oh! you are one of those~’ *smile* ‘here take my number and contact info’

and she wrote that shit down.

I asked if she wanted mine ‘Oh Yes!’ and I gave her my email, and looked at her whack number, ‘can I call this?’ her-‘here take my american number too!’ and then gave me a real fucking hug. Full body embrace, full of someone who actually gives a fuck. We said bye, and she gave me one more hug.

I was fucking ELATED. Now do not misconstrue this post, it is not EK’s new love…As I laid out in a personal diatribe of not giving a shit about women: http://wp.me/p2YaVQ-6u what was so UTTERLY refreshing and energizing today was that somewhere in this world there are cute girls who can talk to you without thinking you are a rapist, thinking you are just an NPC in their sophist reality, that you are just another step onto their feminist paradise. That there are girls out there who still can talk, can still be fun to converse with, girls that understand what it means to be feminine, and damn, a hot girl that gives out her number to that alpha american mountain man guy? Fuck yeah.

Swedish girls are taking the road less traveled, and it made all the difference. I think I might be taking the road less traveled…and it IS going to make all the difference.

A few days ago at work I had a interesting lesson reveal itself to me from the divine, and it was this new supervisor guy that popped in for a while, a real ‘nice guy’.

Now, I do not mean to disparage the fact he actually was nice. He was a bit plump, and had bad posture, he knew his shit, and he was kind and friendly to all…and that was the problem.

Do I think some people ‘fake’ kindness? Oh hell yeah, I do not think this guy was it. He was the type of ‘oh, how are you!?’ and come over to shake hands, I know that sounds gay, but I don’t think he was. EVERYONE knew this guy, and ‘oh he is so nice’.

But that was the problem, I liked the guy, to an extent and as far as my misanthropic tendencies go, but that is what I realized: he was voluntarily friendzoning himself with every girl he interacted with.

Because fast foward a month or year or whatever to some girl he is interested in, ‘want to go on a date?’ ‘oh I thought we were just friends…’. Or imagine he DOES go on a date, if he goes for a kiss or something it is so…damn I can’t think of the exact word…incongruous, there it is. Ok, so his behavior is suddenly completely INCONGRUOUS with his entire persona up to this point. Incongruity shuts girls down really fast, you cannot be the nice fat guy and suddenly pretend you are alpha.

But in comparison think of a different guy, the guy that is occasionally mean, or doesnt get along with everyone, or is silent, any of these types it is not ‘out of character’ to make moves with girls.

This is basically a spin off of the backup-bitch (http://wp.me/p2YaVQ-d4) strategy girls employ, only it is the guy putting himself into BUB status. He is the nice guy you can always go to, who will always give you a hug etc. Basically beta in a lot of ways.

I am reminded of a good quote when it comes to girls ‘alpha fucks, and beta bucks’.

The super nice guys like this will follow the utterly predictable pattern: 20-30 years of age: involuntary celibacy, followed by finding some post-wall woman somewhere 31-45 and she will ‘see him for who he is’ and they will be ‘happily married’, and he will wonder what the fuck went wrong with his life when he is lying on his death bed because a women who he hates has made him her wage slave. He did everything right too…he was just a nice guy.

I saw this side bar while I was reading up on some Thus Spoke Zarathustra (A book Everyone should read, like the sub title says) and before I even clicked it I was thinking ‘well here comes some feminists bullshit saying how fake barbie was, and how much better realistic barbie is’.

Average Barbie (Arbie?) is shorter and thicker than regular ol’ Barbie. Granted, Arbie retains the same athletic build, absence of belly button, Jersey Shore tan, and unnatural bleach blondness. And Arbie is still obscenely pretty, with her Barbie doll good looks and permanent makeup and whatnot. Still, we cannot help but appreciate this makeover.

Ok, stop there for a moment…why exactly would ANYONE ‘appreciate’ someone getting fatter and uglier…hmm, I wonder if this is a feminist writing….*scrolls to find author name* ahh a Valerie Burn. It ALL makes sense now.

Then the article, which was supposed to be about fat barbie goes on an ego-assuaging mission by the author: Personally, I struggled for years with my body image, and did some questionable things to lose weight/fit into a certain size/be “attractive” to boys. And I still have days where I call myself fat or ugly

What I like about this, is that attractive was put in quotes, as if in her older (and fatter) wisdom doing things to be ‘attractive’ was the height of some foolishness. Its only the single most important factor guys use to decide to pursue you…but I digress.

The author includes a link showing how all these other toys are becoming ‘sexualizied’: Even animals don’t escape a sexy make-over. The popular My Little Pony – which back in the Eighties did resemble the figure of a horse – has now been given long, slim legs, huge eyes complete with long false eyelashes and a long, wavy mane to rival the Duchess of Cambridge’s

What the fuck is wrong with people?

She ends with this ego-assuager, and goes off content on her day: fun fact: If Barbie was a real woman, she’d have to walk on all fours due to her proportions

I don’t believe that bullshit for a second, I have seen some pretty fat fucking people and they are not crawling around on all four, and I have seen skinny girls with HUGE implants, and no they are not crawling around on four you fat fuck Valerie Burn.

So I was going to write about some dumb slut that is trying to get back into my life, but this is my #100th post, and it is time to share my story about how I had my heart broke, and fell into the man-o-sphere and was forced to ‘take the pill’, this is going to be long and personal. This is truly heartfelt, so only read if you care and have the time. I actually thought about writing this when I hit 10,000 views, but I since passed that (I am sitting at 40k! Thanks everyone!), so a long time coming. Here it is… Also, in a lot of ways this is painful for me to write. I was SEVERELY FUCKED UP by this girl. I do not use that lightly, I consider myself a very hardy stoic, and this girl fucked my mental life up so bad, it is insane I got through it looking back at things.

Why this is so hard, is I can tell I literally BLOCKED things out of my memory because it is too painful to except. From a psychology point of view it is interesting to me knowing I have artificially editted my mind, I hardly remember what she looks like, I hardly remember the good times, all there is, is a void in my mind.

I was a virgin until I was 25 years old, and this was by choice, I always thought I would ‘save myself for the one’ and not in a religious way either. I believed it would show my iron discipline and love for this women I did not even know yet. I had always been super fascinated with martial arts, and ‘purity’, and being the true best I could be. I would routinely mediate under water falls to cleanse my soul. I had not even kissed a girl beyond a few elementary school ‘girl friends’. What was interesting was I had never masturbated either throughout my life, so there was not this ‘fire’ so to say that endlessly plunged me towards sexual release.

So I cranked through college constantly being hit on by girls, looking back with my post-pill eyes it is insane how many ‘come ons’ I had, I recall at least 5 different girls who brought me alone into their room, lights low, right next to each other…I had one girl straight up ask if I wanted to have sex with her that night, I said no and went back to reading.

This is where I met the girl central to the story, her name was Caroline, and per the typical student here at my school, she was very wealthy. (I was at a private school, but only because I got insane scholarships). She was a slut to say it nicely, but one of those ‘with standards’ meaning she had to be at least dating to be fucking, even if the bar for dating was set low. Anyway, I was 2 years older than her and her friends, but me and my room mate ALWAYS had this soft harem throughout college. He, unlike me, took advantage of the free slays offered to us, I merely enjoyed the constant girl attention, it was like this perverse challenge to make me focus harder.

She was pretty attractive, given I did not have any sexual experience, I had hyper-high standards because I so easily cut girls down because of a lack of desperation. Anyway we were friends, and looking back on it, I had a pretty decent natural game going simply because I DID NOT CARE, which any post-pill guy knows is pretty key. So I graduated, and moved on in my life.

Fast forward…wow I guess 3-4 years, I had this totally shitty job at a mine, literally grinding ore, I had to wear a mask and ear protection for 12 hours a night each night. I was kind of in a desperate time in my life. About once I year I wipe out all the phone numbers of people I no longer care for, or have heard from. For some reason in my phone I had an old text or something from a string of numbers, and new it was her. (At this point I have zero romantic interest) I asked if it was, and indeed it was her, and we started texting to catch up a bit.

(So as an aside, she had just come out of a relationship and was now single, single cute girls do not stay that way very long, so it was completely coincidental) What was interesting was she had lived near me for a long time after college, even worked at a store I shopped out, but never ran into her, and now she moved back home to the east coast. We kind of hit it off, she asked if I was seeing anyone (in hindsight it was clear, at the time I thought just friendly). I call her about once a week and we talk and laugh, in my mind strictly still platonic. Remember I was White Knight to the max, and this girl was a slut, why would I bother?

Ugh, god, it is weird writing this, mainly because I do not remember a lot of it, I remember the key parts, but I essentially eradicated what happened out of my mind. So anyway that was in january/feb. We start to write emails to each other, just being friendly. I write short stories, and she read EVERY SINGLE ONE, and talked about how great they were. In like may or so she was talking about how she was going to law school and wanted to come visit her friend and I for a few days. I offered my house to stay at. (I had girls stay over before, and it was strictly non-sexual). She planned on mainly staying with friend.

As time progressed, ideas were hashed out, including one she really wanted to do, which was go to a nude hot springs pool. Again, she is the liberated feminist slut, and I am the hardened White Knight, so it was unusual, but I figured it would be fun to try something different.

Come late july I believe of that year, she comes out, and me, her and the friend go on a short road trip. First stop is the nude hot springs. She gladly flaunts all, I did it faking confidence. One morning we got up early to go to a pool. We are talking, and I straight up ask her ‘why did you leave and never say bye’ (because of the years of silence) I can not remember her answer in the forced-fog, but she revealed some sort of pain in her heart and was glad she could talk to me about it. (See the beginnings of trouble here? My captain-save-a-ho was being triggered strongly)

We go to another camping place the next day, and they cook dinner. I am convinced it was food poisoning, but it was among the sickest I have EVER been in my life, I am crawling across the ground in a delirium thinking I am dead, and I was huddled against an outhouse toilet for hours in the middle of the night.

Somehow the morning comes and I am (this is like a process of self discovery, I remember the food poison was important to the story, but had forgotten WHY, until this just came to me) …anyway so I am crying and hyperventilating that I am still alive. She comes over, hugs and rubs me, telling me it will be ok. (I have had very little physical contact with girls in my life) I feel this deep sense of caring. I do not want to disparage her too much at this point of the story, as she was a slut, certainly, but she cared. She honestly did at the time. Anyway, so we go to a new place, hiking on a river, and I am holding her hand as we walk across rocks. On the drive to another place, we are talking about how these future plans we have…and wow our plans sure are similar to each other! I did something very brave, I grabbed her hand. We held hands while I was driving. Here was this girl who had made mistakes in her past, but she was just misguided, she had such a good heart, and we would be together!

We came back to my house, and the third wheel friend gratefully leaves. It is night, and I give her my bedroom and go to leave, she asks if I want to stay. I said sure, and slept on the EDGE of my bed. But the lights go out, and suddenly her arms are around me and she kisses my neck. I was confused as fuck, remember I had never done this. To spare the details she was kind in showing me the way sexual encounters go down, but in a lot of ways I was basically raped. I had lost my long-held virginity to a girl I thought I cared about. I loved her at the time, it felt insane the passion I had, I am not sure I can feel it again because I know how delusional it was.

So began this week of insane highs, I can not remember much, likely because it was ‘good’ and I had to eliminate it from memory. Things like us cooking together, going swimming, sex…one thing I remember was we only seriously laughed once, I remember it because at the time I noted it ‘hmm, this is the first time we laughed’. One thing that was critical, was that every night she basically forced her way on me, and once I decided I was ‘going to be the man’ and take the lead, she she me down hard, and went to sleep. The next morning, I was pissed, and I was coherent, ‘this stupid bitch is ruining my life, she is gone’, but sex has a way of dulling convictions…

Our time was growing short before she was leaving for law school. But we had plans, I would try to come out to see her, we could make this work. I dropped her off in a parking lot for the friend to pick her up, she gave one a final parting bj in the back of my truck haha, but when we kissed bye and said we wanted to see each other again, we meant it…I did anyway.

I was in this catatonic state for that day, and for a while, here was this amazing, smart, cute girl that ‘I’ had somehow managed to end up with, and with nearly two weeks of pure debauchery and fun behind it, its seemed consummate by heaven itself.

So imagine the highest high, because that it what it felt like. No work, no cares, just fun and adventure with a lot of sex with this great ‘redeemed’ girl. Because this is where it turned to a nightmare.

I was supposed to go visit her before school starts. (Oh, again, pardon the memories coming back, but when she visited I bought her a dog stuffed animal, she later sent a picture of it on her bed, saying she wished it was me). But then the excuses slowly start to come. Oh, she is nervous about school, I cant come just yet. Let her get adjusted to school. Oh, but she cares about me so much, and cant wait to see me!

(Ok, as a reader, you probably see the writing on the wall, but for me in it, here was this girl I truly loved, and thought she loved me, what was a few weeks before I saw my love?)

To give an example of how much this effected me, I filled up an entire journal just musing on the ‘update’ of each day with this girl, what did this text mean, that word etc.

Each day that slowly passed I would wait for the latest update on when I could see her. Oh, maybe this weekend, its a long weekend! Oh, no her grandma is sick.

Oh hey EK, I miss you so much, here is a sext and a pic to remind you of the time we had, and I cant wait until you are inside me again!

I was so proud of my little girl, going off all alone to a big law school, and soon I would be right there with her. (Looking back, I am surprised at the subservient role I voluntarily cast myself under in her life)

The weeks slowly crawled by, would I EVER see her? Each day…each fucking MINUTE was an eternity, would I get a text from her? Could we finally talk? Oh, a text!? ‘Hi! miss you~!’ wow, fuck, she DOES care! Quick, respond. Uh, wtf, I sent a text 4 hours ago, and she hasnt said shit? ‘Sorry, been busy! But cant wait to see you! ;0 ‘

I had some date set up, I was going to buy those damn plane tickets, I gave a shit if they were 500$ I wanted to see my love. It was all good, but then ‘sorry you cant come anymore, I have to go my grandma is dying’. Damn, good thing I hadnt purchased them yet, but its okay, SHE was in pain. Weeks passed, teases and promises continue to rain. She tells me she had border line personality disorder, and she really cares about me, but might not be stable for me. Oh, how thoughtful of her, I WILL SAVE HER!!!

Something happened where she told me she hadnt done anything that weekend except study, but my friend saw on facebook (I dont have that shit) she had went OUT with some fag guy, and GAVE HIM HER NUMBER! Oh, some sort of misunderstanding. I asked in some backdoor way, and oh it was just ‘a friend’ but she cared about me and couldnt wait to see me. Hey, maybe this coming weekend in 10 days I could come out?

Sure, it was finally going to happen. Damn, look at this hot pic she sent me! ‘Oh, sorry EK emergency, my grandma DIED’ Oh god, no, well, I understand why we cant hang. I told her the day of her flight something about that I could feel her soul across the country, and good luck at the funeral. I get a text from her at like 3 am ‘funeral? My grandma didnt die!’ me-‘uh what…?’ her-‘you misunderstood, and go back to sleep silly~’

I woke up pissed, but the problem was this girl was SO DAMN GOOD at keeping me addicted to her. I do not have a problem with willpower, or never had until her. I would wake up, and be like ‘this stupid slut is out of her’. But carefully timed texts, words, calls, pics, and my will would break. ‘EK where are you? I miss you…~’ ‘maybe during thanksgiving I can visit you and we can cook and play in your room!~’

I read as much as I could about borderline personality, after all I had to save her. But in an irony I almost got it myself, because there were times of rage at this girl. On the bpd forums it slowly opened my eyes the constant CYCLE of pain these people had. It was so obvious from the outside, no that person was not going to change, why were these fools still with them. Wait…was this not like me? Maybe…maybe.

I was addicted to her. She had destroyed my sense of self in a very subtle way, and that I needed validation from her. It is painful to write, but for months, my day was make or broke by if I got a text from her. A simple ‘hey you’ would spike my dopamine, and rekindle the addiction. At times I was made at her, each day that worn on, and each occasional text grinded me down relentlessly.

I had one friend that saved my shit during this period, I was not even that good of friends with him prior, but he listened to my endlessly ranting and questions ‘what does she mean by “i hope to see you soon, be ready” ?’ It was cathartic to talk the topic to death, eventually I grew tired of myself.

I have always been coldly logically, but this insane emotion spike and addiction was unprecedented in my life. But my logic was slowly bifurcating my mind. Part of it waited each and every day, read up on bpd, rehashed every fucking convo we had, but the logically side slowly started seeing writing on the wall. I do not know the exact search, but I searched something about ‘girl problems’ and came across a mind blowing site: solvemygirlproblems, it was some guy, probably mid 20’s who basically was spitting the truth.

He said girls are flaky, trite, disloyal, and that as a MAN you had to define your own value, and not let anyone else, especially girls decide your happiness. He was very PUA, but had a hard line MGTOW feeling to him. His shit was empowering, he didnt pull punches, he told stories of girls fucking guys lives up. It was an elixir to me, here was this girl I was obsessed over because of two weeks of solid sex and fun, and her toying with me about finally getting together, and this guy said FUCK IT! Fuck that bitch, you only live once, and if you are in the fucking pits, dig yourself out, because you are a fucking man, and be proud of it.

I had never seen this before, PUA etc. Be direct with girls? Game them back? Be a challenge? Avoid oneitis? How could this work?

EK fell off the deep-end for a while during this. I was still getting hooked by the bpd girl, but I was having hookups with girls. Among the funniest was some married women giving my hand a bj in a hottub, and wanting to do more (I didnt).

I actually told this girl about the hottub encounter, and a different hookup, I still thought we might be together. We had this heartfelt conversation about how hurt she had been in her past, and was so happy we could be ‘special friends’. Yes, that bitch called me her special friend.

Come Christmas, it was literally her final chance, how the hell could a full month off we not get together? She dropped some shit about her grandma or something, and I did one of the hardest things I ever did: I forced myself to never write her again, just like BPD escapees advised me to do to get away. It went like 3 weeks, and the irony on my birthday in December, I was literally walking into a girls room when I got a call from her, I merely ignored it. A day or two later, I left a message (I called on a different phone, I was scared of her partly, if she answered I would have hung up) I left a message about that ‘I love you’ and went on to lay a few things out. ‘This is goodbye caroline’ and hung up. I was in a mild panic, and powered down my phone, and went into hiding for like 10 days lest I relapse into this bitch.

I thought for sure when I turned my phone on I would have 100s of texts ‘dont leave!’…but not a one. I got an email from her…blaming me for what happened. And that was it.

For the next month (how convenient the whole tale took 1 year to conclude) I was kind of in this weird shock. Was it really over? Would I hear from her again? I think I might someday, but I think this is 2 years now, and nothing. I don’t check her face book, I dont do anything, I think there is always some sort of chance I could relapse if she did contact me. I remember some other blogger (other than smgp) mentioned BPD, and that is partially what got me finally getting ready to dump her. I cannot explain how utterly scary, addicted, and delusional I was to this girl. The human mind is weak, and I was confident in my mind’s complete strength. I lost over 6 months of my life obsessing over this girl (who was masterful at keeping me hooked), and ‘wasted’ my virginity on some slut.

I slowly came to see the no-nonsense of the man-o-sphere was the only light in the darkness. They did not pretend to be my friend, they did not pretend to be anything, they shouted the truth, crudely and often vulgar…but just try to deny what they were saying. Prove to them when you treat girls like shit they dont want you more. Prove that by caring less the girl cares more. Prove that in the end ‘fuck girls’ figuratively and metaphorically because it is all about you.

I hardly even think about her anymore, my subconscious seems to bear no scars because I have never dreamed of her, and my mind has a big blank over it, but the harsh lessons I learned I would unfortunately re-learn in another life if I had the option. Most people never wake up. I had 6 months of pain to wake up. Now I try to wake others up, without the pain, addiction, and obsession I was forced to endure.

I advise a lot of my friends on girl issues, and they seem to listen, but I truly wonder if simply learning from another, and ‘hearing about the pain’ is the same as going through it? You can always tell the bloggers that actually went through shit, they have this raw passion, these raw feelings, this ‘DONT YOU FUCKING GET IT!? GIRLS WILL EVISCERATE YOU! YOU HAVE NO CLUE HOW MUCH IS AT STAKE!’ feeling to them. Pua guys have good advice, but they are just horny, they didnt lose their house, their marriage, or in my case, their heart, they dont really ‘get it’. They do not understand how bad the game really is, how bad the deck is stacked against them, how if they fuck up in a world with a multitude of potential fuckups, their life is done.

I lost my heart, I do not know if I can ever ‘love’ a girl again, because I will be way too critical of ‘oh, just getting addicted to this new girl’ and I will doubt her sincerity because I know the vast multitude of girls play on guys emotions for their own ends. I loved this girl, I gave her my fucking heart, and what did I get in return? I got gamed, gamed in a far more insidious way than any pua could dream of. The pit I crawled out of was fraught with insanity, to emerge as unscarred as I did I hold as a badge of honor. The pill was so fucking bitter, but once it was in my mouth I couldn’t spit it out…and eventually I swallowed it.

I am sitting here eating my breakfast before I head off to the endless grind of life as known as ‘work’. I work at a job basically being an unglorfied lumberjack, and make 14$ an hour, I work 60 hours a week but through technicalities I do no get any benefits and overtime is not paid and because I am ‘temporary’ I could be canned for anything. Despite the hard work there are more girls running chainsaws here than guys…feminism for the win I guess?

Despite going to a prestigious school and getting a good degree, I guess I should be lucky in this current society to have any job at all right? Society is so strange, we are endlessly told how we are the most advanced and progressive empire in history, yet true unemployment sits around 50% and feminism and all its man-hating continues unabated. We are so ‘progressive’ yet we think its ok to hate men who built this entire empire.

I actually want to publish a sci-fi book I wrote, and I actually tried getting published a few years ago until I realized that absolute shit hole publishing is of ‘who you know’ and not how good your writing is. The popularity of twilight, hunger games, 50 shades of grey is evidence enough.

I came across an interesting quote from some guy on a board where people were discussing the military, it is something I have long considered doing, despite my general reservations about society in general, the guy’s line was something like ‘to someone who does not consider themselves part of the collective, it would be foolish to sacrifice for the collective’ it struck me pretty deeply, after all, I do NOT consider myself part of this cruel joke America has become with man-jaw females running everything, men endlessly feminized, no good jobs anywhere, and people more concerned about american idol and dance moms than what is happening in Syria.

In some ways the military seems like the last bastion of decent values, but every other day I see a story about some guy fired for looking at a female the wrong way. I am not part of dance-mom culture, so would it be wrong to join the military that ultimately PROTECTS american-idol and all the other shit?

I dont know…no easy answers. Meanwhile I will be running a chainsaw all day in the sun, thinking ‘how did it come to this…?’

I have been thinking about the claim of mra’s about the imbalance of relationship dynamics, and recently I am reminded of how absolutely true they are that a women could UTTERLY END a guy over hearsay and the guy does not wield nearly the same power.

Now I am sure my female readers will instantly think ‘oh we dont have that much power’ I would argue you are unaware because society is constructed so insidiously. Guy’s will instantly sympathize because they know the validity of this statement.

For example, I recently talked about the flirty married girl at my work. There is a cool swimming hole I was talking about to a different co-worker about and married girl said she wanted to come and I should invite her this weekend. (How rare girl ever WANT to go somewhere without being asked?) Long story short, she wanted to come and wanted to go camping, talk about fidelity right? Anyway she slowly started flaking about ‘not wanting to camp anymore’ (again, SHE was the one who came up with the idea) and then the morning we were supposed to hang at 20 min before the meeting time I get a text ‘u remember me saying I am not coming right?’ Obvious she had not priorly said anything, so a typical flake. I hit her with a ‘lolz’ (which I actually hate ‘lol’)as much as I wanted to say ‘fuck off bitch’.

But this got me thinking about flaking and society power. So this bitch flaked on a plan. Is she married so she probably should not be hanging with a guy? Yes. But also when an adult makes a plan it is responsible to show up, not a childish bail. I am not sure what I am going to say to her next time I see her. If you have any ideas let me know. I know PUA’s say ‘dont say anything it comes off as beta’ but I am not really convinced of that. PUA’s claim that by showing it doesnt bother you, you gain more points or whatever. But I actually disagree, girls CAN NOT STAND being shut down/dismissed, because 99% of guys endlessly placate to them: ‘Oh its okay you didn’t come, maybe next time?’ complete with puppy dog eyes.

A guy who actually has value in my mind would be like ‘hey this girl said she was going to be there and was not, she’s gone. I am not going to play some dumb game.’

But…that gets into the problem of society, and its inherent deference to women. Despite her fucking up, if I was to make anything of it I WOULD HAVE TO WATCH MY FUCKING STEP. I will freely grant the situation is different a bit because she is married, but take that out and simply think of a typical girl who bails on a guy. If the guy tells the girl off, or dismisses her or whatever because it is so unusual in her life she will think about it a lot, and what do girls love? Revenge.

The paths for taking a guy down are endless ‘oh he wont stop making sexual advances at me’ or ‘he is so mean to women he is a misogynist’ or really any lie that is only hearsay. But society ever the white-knight can’t let the villains attacking the poor women go unpunished so suddenly you are under a microscope, or your coworkers turn on you, or you get fired…all because you made a girl feel uncomfortable when she fucked up.

It is a very scary situation as a male to fully comprehend what this means, that at any moment a girl (who are whimsical by nature) could take a guy down with absolutely no recourse. It is a terrifying prospect, no wonder guys are dropping out of society. I know I think everyday how the hell to get out of this feminist utopia, otherwise known as a nightmare.