Falling in love with myself/my world and understanding Binge Eating Disorder

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Nature

I am writing a paper and am reflecting back on my life. I was doing this just this morning while sipping my coffee, sitting by the plants, watching the blue jays and letting the wind blow on my face. When, I thought of realizations…or quotes or something.

1. I am extremely sensitive. I feel the emotions of other people. I have binge ate many times just to dampen these feelings to a tolerable level. I am an open person, but I can also get tired interacting with so many people. I have had to create self-care techniques to combat this and learn to set boundaries. Not in a bad way, but a healthy way. So, I thought to myself, “Don’t be so open that yourself falls out.” I realized if I let myself open up so much, I have at times lost myself in the emotions of others. This is not healthy or helpful.

2. As a seeker of “information” I like to ponder things. I read and read and ask many questions. Which, of course, only leads to more questions. I realize I have to stop searching for the TRUTH and allow for the answers. This can really only happen when I am quiet enough to hear them. In addition, someone else’s answers are someone else’s answers. Can reading an inspiring quote offer a new insight? YES absolutely, but then stop and ask, “how does this fit into my life?” How do I personally feel about this. It can deepen the experience even more.

I heard in the distance/deep within a whisper.
Calling to me, reminding me.
My path saved me.
When I could not see it/I felt it.
The path knew more than I knew, but it stayed present, because it was fixed.
I crawled on my knees in the dirt and I looked dirty.
I felt dirty. I felt weighted down, by the boulders and the bricks.
I wore them on my back, not just mine, but everyone else’s.
I would gladly take your boulders and your weight and put in on my back.
It was too hard for me to see you carry it.
But then, I took it, and you replaced it with a different brick, and I became heavier.
I sank into the mud. My mud and your mud swirled together and neither of us could breathe.
I still heard the whisper and i put my hand up out of the mud with all of my strength.
I grasped the path and I flopped myself onto it. No strength yet to do anything on it.
All I could do was lay on it/lay in it and let it guide me.
Like a river flowing I hung on to a raft any raft a long as it was mine.
It was hard because I had so many bricks and boulders with me.
I looked down in the river to see that there were other boulders and bricks lining the river bed.
These bricks seemed to be glistening, to be transformed somehow by the water.
What if I could let go of some of these bricks I thought?
My rocks, your rocks, what is the water needed them too?
Slowly, I began to let go of them. I placed them/or let them plop into the water.
I knew not how they would land, or if they would just be swept away.
But I let go of my need to know and control where they would go.
Knowing the river/my path would know what to do.
As time went on, the boulders and the river worked together to form an amazing waterfall.
Things were picking up speed now, and I felt lighter. I felt like things were falling into place.
Other people came to see their rocks in the water. To see the power of resiliency.
Suddenly, we all felt lighter. We didn’t know how much time had passed, just that at this moment we felt free.

What does the map of the land tell us of the smell of the flowers?
Or the song of the birds…or the fireflies lighting the forest at night?
What does the structure of the house tell us about the love that dwells within?
Or the memories witnessed by its walls…or the laugh of children as they lay down there heads on their pillows at night?
What does the objective tell us about the subjective?
What if all we had was the subjective? Knowing through experience…through insight and intuition. What if the summer wind and the clouds told us when the rain was coming?
What if our hearts and minds were so open to each other and radiated with such love that there was nothing it couldn’t conquer?
What if we stopped and listened in silence to the sound of our own breath, would we realize the miracle of life itself?

Can you believe this sun? I took this picture as a passenger in my sister’s car. I just could not believe how beautiful it was. It seemed to take up the whole sky. It was a busy night, with cars rushing by, but the beauty of the sun captured me and took me away to another place. I forgot for a moment all the hustle and bustle of the world around me. Lately, I have been a little distracted to say the least. I have been doing a lot of reading and research on different topics and all the while completely ignoring my own inner knowing. But luckily, a little voice whispered within me and said, “hey, pay attention to me, remember me.” Wow!!! It was all this soul searching that had lead me to let go of so many hang ups about my body. It was this inner-love that had allowed me to see the big picture of unconditional self-love, but I had turned from it to seek advice from anyone but myself. How had this happened? I thought I had kicked that anxiety habit. I was standing strong on my own and knew who I was. I had found what I needed to be happy, healthy and whole. How in the world had I landed back in this place? Well, it was different this time, because I had done so much personal work to understand myself. Therefore, in some ways the betrayal of ignoring this deep meaning felt unbearable.

So, I remembered what my wisdom had told me before about beating myself up or feeling shame. The same thing applies to to this situation. I have to extend self-compassion once again. I have to understand that I am not perfect and can not expect perfection from myself or anyone else. I remember where expecting perfection got me before. The same concept should be applied to spiritual or self growth. There will be times when I forget, or chose to ignore what my heart is telling me. There will be a learning that comes from this. I must trust in the process. Had I not allowed myself to stray and forget myself a bit, I would not be here now remembering how important it is to cultivate and embrace that deep love. It is like coming home to a lover after months away. Absence really can make the heart grow fonder, whether it is for yourself or a loved one. With the awareness of loss, comes the yearning of presence.

I look now at this picture. I see that the light shines so bright it can not be ignored. However, I wonder how many times, I have traveled this road and been caught up in the rush of the traffic or the list of “to-dos” that I have failed to see the light shining before me?

The lessons I have learned are still there shining bright. The wisdom is still there expressing itself, it just takes tuning in and paying attention.

On this summer day, I sit outside and look all around me at all the splendor that is nature. When things were not right within, I failed to see the beauty outside of me. When the anxiety trickled in, it blocked out the calm and the peace. The peace never left, I just couldn’t see it.

Clouds…Sorry I have been gone so long. It has been over a month since I last posted here. Many things have been happening and I can’t wait to blog about it. I have spent a lot of time in nature and have found this to be wonderful. I thought I would share this photo of clouds after a rain storm.

Ahhh the Mangroves. I have seen these trees many times in my life. I would mostly admire their intricate root structure, and the way they seem to grow directly out of the water, creating a land mass all of their own. I would notice the way the water birds rested in their branches waiting to see their dinner of fish swim by. I would marvel at the way these trees created a habitat all of their own and seemed to define the intracoastal waterway. I have heard, that to find refuge from a storm, they should seek the protection of the mangrove trees that have learned to adapt and flourish despite howling winds and blinding rains. But, what I had never heard of, until last year was the purely magically way a mangrove tree filters out the salt from the brackish water so that it may drink the water left behind. Unbelievable! I thought when I heard this. The miraculous ability of nature again blew my mind. Nature and these mangrove trees never fail to teach me lessons and remind me that miracles are possible. If you look closely, you might be able to see a few leaves on the trees that are yellow. These are the leaves that are “sacrificed” by filtering the salt water so that the whole tree can flourish.

As I think about the mangrove tree, I think about sacrifices I have made in my own life. Have they always felt good at the time? Have I always handled them with grace or cheer? No…. But, looking back now instead of thinking of them as sacrifices, I don’t see them as black and white as I did at the time. Perhaps, I clung to things I didn’t need just because I had a hard time letting go, or maybe I had to make a difficult decision. Sacrifice…I ponder the meaning of this, as I am not sure I have a full understanding of its meaning. I know I am not willing to lose an essential part of myself just to make other people like me or approve of my actions. I have perhaps done this at times, and it has not gotten me anywhere good. I have, at times, gotten so lost in something, that I have forgotten to remember what is truly important in my heart. But, I do not think the mangrove is teaching about an unnatural sacrifice that in the end only injures. When you look at how it flourishes, you know it teaches a different lesson. It teaches about design and innovation. It teaches about resiliency and life lessons learned. It teaches how to stay strong when the storm rages on and how to draw nourishment from the saltiest of water. Perhaps, this is sacrifice, allowing oneself to remain dedicated even in the face of adversity and remembering to stay true to oneself and one’s purpose in the hardest of times. Thank you mangrove trees for getting my mind thinking. I already loved spending time on the water you call home, but now you deepen my experience even more as you reflect back to me the power of resiliency.