Induction: Eric Bischoff Hardcore Champion – One Badass Bisch

Starrcast is just weeks away, and RD Reynolds is gearing up to take on Eric Bischoff at the Death of WCW panel.

Let’s just hope their confrontation remains verbal, because we all know the physical threat Easy E is. Why, he once defeated hardcore legend Terry Funk at his own game, winning the WCW Hardcore Title 1-2-3 in the middle of the ring!

Now, to Bischoff’s credit, his Hardcore title victory over Terry Funk isn’t something you’ll hear Eric brag about, as he’s not the type of person to coast off an ultimately futile accomplishment from two decades ago.

Even if you were watching Nitro in the Year of Our Lord, Two Thousand (and you probably weren’t), there was a good chance you missed it. But happen it did.

The Funker had held the title since April 16th, 2000, beating Norman Smiley for the vacant championship after the new management of Bischoff and Vince Russo stripped all reigning champions of their titles.

Funk lost the title to Shane Douglas, but regained it the next night on Thunder while disguised as Ralphus.

And what a striking likeness it was. See that t-shirt? It even said, “Ralphus”!

Everyone loves to talk about Bischoff’s “old man” disguise in WWE, but imagine how surprising the unmasking would have been if he had worn a gorilla suit labeled, “Minister”.

By June 5th, 2000, Funk had held the title for a then-astonishing 52 consecutive days (barring the one-day reign by Douglas) so it was time for the gray-haired 45-year-old exec to do whatever it took to win the title back for the New Blood.

Bischoff wouldn’t do it alone, of course. That’s why he brought along his kid’s karate instructor, Ernest Miller.

And then the announcers got confused. “Have we got a camera back there?” asked Scott Hudson.

Well, what do you think, Scott? On the previous Nitro, the cameras followed Funk and Vampiro (and Sting) into a parking lot with gasoline spraying everywhere…

…and on Thunder they’d ridden along in a pickup truck to a horse stable to film the conclusion of Funk vs. Chris Candido…

…and they had been filming backstage segments all night including one just prior to the commercial break before this match.

But to answer Hudson’s question, no, they did not have a camera backstage to film the rest of that night’s Hardcore title match.

So the commentators stalled for time – “We’re just stalling for time” were Tony’s exact words – by plugging the online “WCW Reload” pre-show.

If WCW Backstage Assaulthad featuredjust the three announcers killing time on screen while players blindly mashed the buttons… well, it wouldn’t have been any worse than the game we got (just as long as Mark Madden kept his mouth shut and didn’t start with that “snoochie boochies” crap).

Fortunately, Miss Hancock came to the ring to dance.

This is still the same segment, by the way.

Kimberly Page then arrived to tell her what for…

…then whacked her with a clipboard.

To everyone’s amazement, the vicious clipboard shot failed to incapacitate Hancock for any appreciable length of time. Grabbing the microphone, she taunted Kimberly to get her “fat ass” into the ring.

Page was outraged.

Miss Hancock having the nerve to say the former Booty Babe had a “fat ass?” Who did she think she was, Stacy Keibler?

She was? I couldn’t tell with those glasses.

Well, that would explain why Hancock/Keibler, a native of Rosedale, MD, called it a fat “ey-us”. Linguistically, that’s called a diphthong, which she also happened to be wearing under her mini-skirt at the time.

Mike Awesome checked to confirm whether Miss Hancock’s accusations were true and vehemently denied that such was the case. Within a month, however, he would transform into the Fat Chick Thriller, so now I don’t know what to think.

Kimberly said that she would deal with Miss Hancock later, then walked up the ramp, where Terry Funk and Eric Bischoff were returning to conclude their Hardcore Championship match.

I can only assume that Funk and Bischoff had just been hanging around catching their breath for the past five minutes, but I have a sneaking suspicion, this being WCW and all, that Terry had actually been beating Eric into oblivion the whole time even when they weren’t on camera.

Terry Funk performed this modified wheelbarrow suplex on Bischoff (“modified” in that there was no suplex involved) to dump him back into the ring.

You know, Funk’s previous match had involved a wheelbarrow, as well, but it contained 185 pounds of crap instead of Eric Bischoff.

I am just stating facts.

There may not have been any cameras available backstage to shoot the majority of this match, but there was one stationed in Vince Russo’s office to film him watching TV. Russo was so disgusted with what he saw that he sent the Mamalukes to the ring to end the match.

In the meantime, Terry Funk vowed to show his “wrinkled ass” and to give Eric Bischoff a “bird’s eye view”.

Was he going to string Eric up to the ceiling or something?

Just as Funk was pulling his tights down to give Bischoff the stinkface, he was interrupted by…

…Miss Hancock, who told him that he had a fat ass! I knew that weird tangent with Miss Hancock and Kimberly would have a payoff!

I kid. Instead, it was Johnny The Bull and Big Vito, who beat up Funk…

A wrestling fan ever since the days of Wrestlemania IX, Art graduated from college in the same building where Art Donovan called King of the Ring 1994. He also runs the "How Much Does This Guy Weigh?" blog, where he reviews New Generation-Era Monday Night Raws. Follow him on Twitter @Art0Donnell.
Email at: art@wrestlecrap.com

Another one of those junior varsity like moments from WCW when they were in full ripoff WWF playbook mode. The crappy hardcore division, Montreal screwjob finishes, Absolutely no spark of originality it was retread after retread. The only compelling thing WCW had going for themselves was people wondering if they could somehow get worse and how much worse could they get.

I honestly had to read this induction two times as I could not follow the flow or narrative of the events in the induction. I actually think my brain was bruised from me tapping my head in one of those “I am thinking” motions, and then repeatedly smacking it on my desk. And the rushed zoom in on The Cat’s cartwheel kick also gave me a headache.

And then I had a flashback to Jay from the Jay and Silent Bob movies with the “snoochie boochie” comment. Then again, Jay did question “who the hell says ‘snoochie boochies’ anyway” in lambasting Holden for stealing their lives and misrepresenting them for the Bluntman and Chronic (or is it Kronik?) comics.

Maybe Russo can book an aspirin on a pole match for me… I would do anything to win it at this point. Except getting a bird’s-eye look at Terry Funk’s wrinkly rear.