Saturday, January 2, 2010

I Resolve

Just back from three weeks in the U.S., I'm enjoying a delicious case of jet-lag, chomping on the last pretzel I picked up during my layover in Deutschland, neither doing what I should be (sleeping) nor what I'm tempted to (going out to hear music), but instead Skyping with The Pirate back in Berlin. Flying on New Year's Eve is the very best way I know to avoid all the hype and The Director posed an interesting question. Leaving SFO at 2:30 PM on a polar flight to Frankfurt, exactly where and when would I hit 2010? I calculated it must have happened somewhere in the North Atlantic, probably between Canada and Greenland, roughly four and a half hours out from SFO. By then I had drugged myself for the flight, thus skirting the whole issue entirely.

Well then, the Skype exchange was interesting enough to convert into a blog post... It relates to my New Year's resolution for 2010, something I've sworn to do for years now: to list every film I see for a year. I'm still clean for 2010, as Lufthansa's transatlantic offerings were so bad as to not bear contemplating. Musing on great film that was foundational in my life, I somehow ended up listing my top 5 erotic films (not in any particular order). Hanif Kureishi´s earlier work scores an amazing two in my top five: Samey and Rosie Get Laid (1987) and My Beautiful Laundrette (1985). Then there´s A Crying Game (1992), Body Heat (1981) and Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid (1969, which I had to have seen sometime later). What, dear reader, you were expecting Behind the Green Door and The Devil in Miss Jones? That's not exactly what I'm on about. It's no coincidence that the movies I've listed were ones that I saw decades ago. Some of them I revisited later, in my 30s, and was disconcerted to find I'd preserved a completely different memory of what happened. There was, however, some special image or idea I'd taken from each of them that resonated in my young impressionable mind, deeply affecting my notions of masculine and feminine sexuality. It´s interesting to speculate where our peculiar individual behaviors and turn-ons come from. Not surprisingly, I suppose, in the case of this addict, they come from film. That and the Catholic Church, naturally.

But yes, the titles I just listed are two favorites of mine from the golden age of porn and yes, some women do enjoy a certain type of porn, don't think it's dirty or misogynist, and even (gasp) enjoy the idea of men watching porn. However, I will always maintain that Deep Throat really sucks. Now, aren't we glad we got that out in the open?!? Happy New Year, all!

Wow, Anonymous, thanks for the compliment; what a great way to start the new year! Regarding the economic crisis, sex provides an escape from my problems; I don't believe I want to delve any deeper than that!

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My 'Ich Werde Ein Berliner' Test

You're Karl Lagerfeld

The computers determined that your ability to blend in wiz ze Germans is about the same as that of celebrity fashion designer Karl Lagerfeld. "Wait a minute" you say, "isn't he German? Woohoo! I did it, I am a proper German now!". Not so fast Auslander. Keep the champagne chilled for now. The truth is, you failed this personality test miserably by achieving the lowest possible score.
This is the detailed personality assessment for you and Karl:

• You were born in Hamburg, Germany, but moved to Paris when you were about 20, never looking back or getting homesick.

Now, as we learned before, it is a requirement for any German person to 1) love Hamburg unconditionally and 2) do blog and forum raids on the internet to try to shut up any Hamburg-critical voice. All German people are aspiring to move to Hamburg one day to live in what they believe to be "the most beautiful city in the world". Karl however has been overheard calling Hamburg boring, provincial, and is said to be not really keen on visiting the place unless someone pays him a lot of money.

• Even though you claim to be a creative person, nobody has ever seen you sporting messy hair, a scruffy beard, a fedora hat, plaids, Chucks, or oversized nerd glasses.

• You also never attended any indie punk rock concert of "upcoming" local bands, where you expressed your edginess by splashing around cheap beer in an ironic way and "going totally wild and crazy".

The bottom line of your test result is - you are still stuck on square one of the imaginary "Ich werde ein Berliner" board game. You'll have to work a lot harder from now on, or you may never blend in wiz ze Germans. Why not start by reading Ich werde ein Berliner all over again now? Preferably on an Apple-branded Laptop in a nearby "alternative" cafe.