Zagat — the back-pocket restaurant, airline, hotel, whatever guide — just published its first “L.A. Dating (and Dumping) Guide.” The point being that there are certain magical eating and drinking establishments where we might better meet a body or shoo one out of our lives.

Personally, I think Zagat missed an important step in the meet-and-dump game, a step that can finally be taken through the miracle of modern technology! But more on that later.

This new guide, in addition to restaurant and bar info, also comes with a Zagat Survey offering the collective wisdom and experiences of 13,000 local diners, drinkers (always a trustworthy group) and serial daters. But nowhere could I find if this was a scientific sample or if these were just the booze and hormone-laced opinions of 13,000 typical-enough locals who can’t see beyond their own specialness.

Though the survey invites a comparison to our “counterparts” in New York City, it says nothing about how this supposedly collective take on everything from dating to first-time sex compares to small-town, heartland America, where meth-heads still believe in solid old-time values.

This could, in fact, be titled “Zagat’s Believe It Or Not!” Anyway, here’s what Zagat says about us, about the 80-year-old retiree in Torrance and the 20-something smoothie in Manhattan Beach.

Fifty-five percent of Angelenos (leave it to a New Yorker to call us all Angelenos) seem to believe that dates should be proposed in person while 51 percent of those surveyed think that first dates should include dinner out.

The person who does the asking (53 percent believe) should also be the person who pays regardless of sex, sexual orientation or whether or not he or she has been furloughed, laid off or is about to be dropped into a vat of sulfuric acid by a profit-eroded corporation.

Why am I not surprised to learn that “most Angelenos” (88 percent) believe that “being intimate” should happen “whenever it feels right.” Furthermore, this “intimacy” should not hinge on a set number of dates or even if the relationship seems to be destined to go anywhere beyond the sloshing water bed and scented candles stage.

Aside from never having met anyone who thinks of himself as an Angeleno in the same sense that New Yorkers love their dubious identity, I have to wonder what it all means if one party thinks that “it feels right” while the other party is looking up a Zagat-recommended body dump.

By the way, in my view, a good dumping spot is any well-lit place with plenty of witnesses, security cameras and armed guards because I don’t trust anyone who thinks of himself as an Angeleno.

So what exactly are we looking for here in the entertainment capital of the universe?

The survey claims that 87 percent of us want to meet a person with a “good personality” and a “sense of humor.” Which means that women should be lining up at my new office window. Only they are not, which says something about the rarity and subjectivity of such traits especially among reporters.

Oh, and we “Angelenos” are also “open-minded” about dating outside our nationality (90 percent, as long as the person in question is not of Italian descent), religion (80 percent), race (78 percent), age group (78 percent) or education level (70 percent).

But it is interesting to note that 56 percent of those polled would not under any circumstances date someone outside the L.A. area while 67 percent said they would never (and I blame Rush Limbaugh for this) date someone who holds opposing political views.

Actually, this is true. Look at almost any dating site where people who are perhaps more than a little desperate for companionship state that they’d rather stay home with their face-eating cats and a videotape of “Titanic” than date a liberal.

Meanwhile, 27 percent of respondents claim that they had the most success meeting partners through friends and family, 21 percent have met others online, 14 percent hooked up through work and 12 percent through hobbies while fewer than 2 percent have scored through gym and church membership.

It’s also interesting that 45 percent of respondents think that they should have the “relationship discussion” even if the other party has never used the letters “bf” or “gf” (boyfriend/girlfriend) in a text message. This while 35 percent believe that having that big discussion is reason enough to believe that the relationship is over.

Still, we are not so bad. That’s because we “Angelenos” are less likely than our New York pals to date a person who is already seeing someone else (5 percent vs. 13 percent) or married (4 percent vs. 7 percent).

You know, “I don’t care if you’re married, baby. So am I.”

Personally, I think Zagat is so bound up in paper and soft covers that it is missing out on the wonders of technology. You see, we may indeed need a good eatery to make a mistake in and another in which to rectify that mistake.

But what’s finally possible and even necessary in an age when both time and money are short is something like a Dating Craigslist. You know, a safe, online libel pit where names of singles can be posted and commented upon by people who have actually been stood up by Mr. Couch Stain or Ms. Adores Herself.

Seriously, wouldn’t it be wonderful to meet and greet that possibly special someone before ducking into the bathroom for a quick list search on the iPhone. That way we save an evening, save money and – most of all – avoid having to buy the always popular “Zagat Guide To L.A. Restraining Orders.”

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