I just felt like sharing, I hope you guys like it. (Sorry about photo quality, some photos are quite old).

Since I turned 16 and got my septum ring (much to my mothers disgust, and shes not the only one) I knew that was a way I wanted to express myself. Since then I have gotten many more piercings, dyed my hair like every colour and FINALLY started my sleeve.

I found out the more piercings I got, (I had 3 piercings that were not my earlobes by the time I finished school) the more me I felt. When I lost my diesel fitting apprenticeship, I basically went out a month later and got 2 more piercings as I was allowed ear piercings at this new job. By 18 I had 6 piercings not in my earlobes. In October of the year I turned 18 I got a small tattoo of the name of my grandmother that I never met, nanna Joy.

A month after I turned 19 I finally got to get my lip pierced! After waiting for 7 years and because I had a week to heal it before I had to go back to work. I was finally so so happy with how I looked. But something I have had the entire way through is judgement, jokes and people telling me I looked like shit. I already then felt 10 times better about myself.

Somewhere in that time between finishing school and 19 I started stretching my ears too. I did stretch my ears really slowly over like 5 years. I finally made it to 10mm in both ears in 2013. I also had finger piercings (yeah, more than one, stupid. I know this now) first in my right hand. Which was incredibly stupid because it was not only my hand but the hand I used the most. I got another in my left hand the year after, somehow thinking it would be better. I ripped the first one out by accident because of where it was, the second one got almost ripped out twice before I took it out. These 2 piercings, a surface tragus piercing and an anti tragus are the only piercings I no longer have. The surface piercing and anti tragus grew out.

I got my tongue pierced for my 20th birthday (so its 3 years old now). I now have 3 holes in each earlobe, a septum ring, a tongue ring, 2 lip rings and 2 belly piercings. In my left ear I have a rook piercing, a lobe piercing further up and an industrial bar (or scaffold). In my right ear I have a helix piercing, my snug and my tragus pierced. Guess you could say I fell in love with piercings, I do want more but I actually don’t have anywhere else I want pierced. I also have a peace sign tattoo behind my right ear.

I knew I want tattoos for pretty much my life, my dad has 2 half sleeves so I felt it would be accepted. Its not really accepted but who cares. I knew from since before I was 18 that I want one sleeve and it was to be music related. Music is actually my life, people don’t seem to believe me when I say it. Also there is only 3 artists I want to be tattooed by (so far) and they are all in QLD! I have followed these artists for years and I know the quality of what I am getting.

My first bigger tattoo is by Chris Bartlett (artist portrait on my insta) from Gladstone. I got this tattoo while he was a guest at Shinko tattoo in Brisbane. This tattoo is a Blink 182 tattoo that I chose from design he had already drawn and basically just trusted him to pick the colours. He is a great artist and I trust his judgement.

My second larger piece was done by Mitch13 (artist portrait on my insta) from White Tiger Tattoo at Noosa. I chose the colours for this piece and the quote as it is a tattoo for my sister in law who committed suicide. I love the rose he drew, I actually expected it to look different but it turned out better. I can’t wait to get another tattoo from Mitch as I love his work so so much.

The third bigger piece I got was an Angels and Airwaves tattoo. Also by Chris Bartlett, I actually did not know exactly what I was getting permanently on my body until the morning of this tattoo. I knew I wanted this tattoo to be about the song The Adventure, we went through a globe, a suitcase etc and I decided the We Don’t Need To Whisper guitar of Toms was a great idea and I trusted Chris to make it amazing. He did. I trusted his judgement on the colours and placement too. This is my favourite tattoo and I just end up loving it more and more.

So thats 2 artists that I love who I have been tattooed by, the only other artist I must be tattooed by is Mitch Love.

Yeah I cop shit for being me. Something people don’t seem to realise though is that I feel 10,000 times better than I did before I had tattoos and piercings.

Lately writing has been a way for me to express how I have been feeling although apparently it does not translate, just like when I tell people about them.

My journal has recently been full of the bad things that just keep happening, I swear its more than one human should have to deal with. Do you ever get the feeling that bad things just will not stop happening? I don’t want the tone of this post to be negative but it is a possibility that’s how it will turn out.

If you know me personally you will know that I have had some rather big events happen recently that are not good. On top of that all these small things have been just dragging me down. Have you ever been to the point where you can’t do simple things without messing them up? Like making macaroni and cheese, in the microwave and it taking 2 hours? Like pushing the wrong button online and accidentally paying for something with the wrong card?

I have been at this point where I can’t do simple tasks for months now but it has worsened in the last 3 days to one blonde move a day! Safe to say I no longer have the mental capacity to deal with anything stupid anyone might say. This also means I have no time for people that don’t listen and don’t understand the difficult time I am having in life at the moment.

People will always try to tell you what you can handle, for example when you are reaching your breaking point and you say “I can’t handle this” people will try to tell you that you have to, and that its fine you can handle it. These are statements that people say to make you feel better, please know that it is perfectly ok if you can’t handle it. No one can tell you what you can handle.

Another difficulty I have is anger toward anyone that can tell me “don’t worry, it’s going to get better” when they don’t know that. Sometimes people just need to be down, considering all the time I be positive, the last thing I need to hear is to “just be positive”. I do “be positive” when what is happening around me is positive, I will get there again but right now I cannot be positive.

One more thing that is important to know, you don’t have to do things alone. You could do it alone but you don’t have to. If you do have to, find better humans.

The only time I have no time for people in the current state I am in is when they no longer try to be happier, to get better, whatever messed up phrase you use for trying. Please for me, never stop trying. Make no mistake I am trying so hard, everyday.

I pride myself on being there for my friends yet that ability evades me at present also. To be perfectly fair if more people returned this sentiment I might not be struggling so much right now.

Something interesting to pay attention to, when your body tells you something you should listen. Another thing people will always try to tell you is what to do with your own body. Recently I have had a doctor prescribe me medication that makes me sick, they thought as it has been a few years my body would just decide to be ok with this medication now. I’m telling you to listen to your body because this doctor was oh so wrong. I didn’t have the greatest faith in doctors before, I now wonder if I should take aboard their opinion. Be smart enough to recognise the difference between your body giving you a sign in comparison to you just being a picky pain in the ass.

Some things I do when I can’t deal with people or what they are saying is I spend time with my animals, which if you follow me on social media you will see ducks, dogs and chickens frequently. Another thing I have been doing lately is listening to my favourite bands podcasts, called Hawthorne Heights explains it all. Most of the time they talk about tour stories, the background of their songs and whats coming up for them as a band cause you know, it is supposed to be about that. Sometimes though they have little hidden gems which is just feel good, advice for anyone or just jokes about recent news. Its always nice to know what makes you feel good!

So for this post I am gunna go a lot more personal than we have gone previously, I still hope you enjoy the read!

A few quick things you might not know unless we are friends. I have ADHD which was not assessed until after I graduated high school. I have been on anti depressants for at least 3 years now and have wanted off of them since February this year. We had a suicide in the family early March which made it the worst possible time to go off anti depressants. I learnt recently that I don’t have asthma, I just have panic attacks from anxiety. I have had Ross River Fever for a year now.

GOING OFF ANTI DEPRESSANTS: I wanted to get off anti depressants (as they made me feel dehydrated and I don’t want to rely on pills to feel ok) around Feb, I did not know how to go about it so I went to the doctors and asked about my options. The doctor suggested a mental health plan to go see a psychologist and eventually a psychiatrist. I booked in to see a psychologist halfway through March and by then I NEEDED it, I heard about Jade’s suicide the day it happened sometime during the day… I was told, talked to my parents about it as I don’t live with them and just went about my day. At 6pm that night about when it was getting dark I picked mac and cheese (packet mac and cheese, super easy to make) for dinner and it hit, it then took me 2 hours to prepare that meal between my brain shitting down, my body not moving off the ground and the fact that when I moved it was autopilot. I was alone at my place that night and that exact feeling of no focus (not helped at all by ADHD) and my brain shutting down continued for at least a month.

My psychologist thought that the grief I was feeling might be lessened by going to Jade’s funeral. As I have amazing adopted family willing come get me (as I was without vehicle at that time) I was able to say my final goodbye. This did not help at all, every other funeral I have been to is older people, people that have lived full lives. No other death has been this close to me and impacted me this much. It is now over 4 months since the world lost Jade and I am no where near over it but I am ready to go off anti depressants again. I have an appointment where this time I am telling my doctor I am going off medication, please know that even if you are depressed you don’t have to do what they tell you, it is your body. I will be off medication by next week and apart from a bad day (which we all have) I feel great about it!

To combat the mass amount of anxiety I have about how I might feel being off medication I am doing a photo challenge #beAphotographer by Adam Elmakias. To see my photos follow me on Insta @mac_kb_eth or search the hashtag #kbbeaphotographer

ROSS RIVER FEVER: In case you don’t know mosquitos spread Ross River Virus among others. This is how I got it, my parents thought (because I lived with them a year ago) this girl is lazy! I felt tired, sore and completely drained for weeks and weeks before we decided to check out whats wrong. We thought a possible iron deficiency as that has happened before. When the test results came back it was confirmed Ross River. The pain of RR is like having the flu, sore muscles, no energy, foggy brain, insanely tired but ALL THE TIME. Chronic fatigue can come with RR as that is basically how it feels. I tried non stop resting and that was good for a while but I wasn’t getting things done. I had to look after my house, do yard work and apply for jobs! How was I going to do that?

I decided to somewhat take the power back, tell my body what we were gunna do but I also had to listen to my body. I read up on articles from others who have RR and they all had different methods of living with it. I also went to MindBodySpirit festival and found out magnesium is good for RR. Now I have a method to live with it, being gentle. I listen to my body and I don’t do ridiculously strenuous work, I rest when I need to I also have vitamins, supplements I take as well as magnesium cream. I eat SO much better than I used to, I do cleaning and yard work when the energy strikes me, I rest when I need to and I even have a JOB INTERVIEW! Exercise helps on good days to build up stamina, help release my anger and to make sure I sleep well. The exercise I enjoy is box hit class at the gym with my neighbour, jumping on the trampoline and of course walking around catching Pokemon and hatching eggs on Pokemon GO.

The most helpful article I found on RR: https://www.truevitality.com.au/case-studies/ross-river-virus/