You know, I’m impressed with the author of the first note. There is no way I could have written that neatly while standing on a chair and constantly craning my neck to check that the tarantula wasn’t crawling up my back.

First of all, the tarantula owner didn’t write the note. His scared shitless roomie did.
Second of all. ‘Glo clearly means that to have the patience and presence of mind to sit and calmly write a note, in a space where there just may me a tarantula crawling about, makes her skin crawl.
Chair standing and screaming at the top of her lungs may have been foremost on her mind, not English composition…that and the neck craning for creepers.

Watch your back, ‘Glo…there are creepy crawlies on the loose up in this mother!!!!

The Salman Saleed fund! (going slightly tangential here).
I see where you got that.
Well, after what they did to him at Guantanamo, there’s more than a few bits and pieces of him in dire need of replacement.

Voluntarily exiled to an air-tight Tupperware container ever since the issuing of the Soggy Lettuce Fatwa, Salman Rushdie found his life sadly hermetic, and filled with more than enough time to ponder the wisdom of publishing the controversial Salad Verses.

For the purpose not wanting to in any way impede the potential development of a panty fantasy thread, GR, I’ll assume that you’re addressing me, and, given that fact, I just wanted you to know that I’ll be lurking silently in the hedge next to the driveway.

There aren’t any spiders in there, are there? Give me a second to double check…..

I just realize that remark may have seemed insensitive to two separate groups of men and women for whom, as most everyone knows, I happen to hold in the highest esteem.

Yes, I talking about those fine people who make up the “currently-incarcerated-community.”

“Hey guys. Word. I know that you would gladly exchange your incarceration for freedom. BUT YOU CONVICTED CRIMINALS ARE NOT MY BALLS, AND YOU’RE NOT MY PENIS! The package stays where it is — in LOCK-DOWN!

“I hate to break this to you, Goober, but I was raised by a family of self-sufficient otters.

“We were driving green hybrid jet skis, fueled entirely from seal blubber and carbon credit coupons while you sissies were still struggling to read Rimbaud in the original French and jerkin your gherkins at the truly revelatory homoerotic photos by Mapplethorpe, that accompanied the poems in the coffee-table-priced edition.

“While I admire your saucy insouciance, I’ll have to confess that Mr. Armstrong unconstrained could result in my be held liable for reckless endangerment.

“I know it’s nuts, but we’re a litigous society.

“There’s no sense in beating ourselves up about it. Especially not on Easter’s Eve, Eve.”

Sorry . . . forgot you were antipodeal! And also sorrry . . . nothing against Dot Parker (a distant relative) but I’m grading a batch of essays now, and I JUST SO FUCKING TIRED of tired quotes!
“To be or not to be” . . . yeah, I get it! But, describing the current economic crisis? Is The Old School one of my students?????

*at least that what my mom always told me… I mean about me, not you because my mom doesn’t even know you, does she? That would be so weird if you did know my mom, but then you’d probably need therapy too. *

According to Wikipedia, the most reliable form of information available to mankind, “Most tarantulas are harmless to humans, and some species are popular in the exotic pet trade. Some species, while not known to have ever produced human fatalities, have venom that can produce extreme discomfort over a period of several days.”

I could not, however find any information on the “trantuala.” This elusive creature may be in the same cryptozoological fantasy realm as the chupacabra but I will none the less continue my investigation and report back with any findings.

Well, all spiders are venomous … but no, Tarantula venom isn’t fatal to humans and the house pet ones are often de-fanged. If it was big enough and the right type … the pet gerbils might be missing though. But venomous or not … it wouldn’t be something I would want to find in bed in the morning

The mascara-theft note is too funny. I can only imagine the borrower trying to sneak the mascara back into the bag before they’re caught…only to find…THE P-A NOTE OF DOOM! Also, impressive handwriting for such a small piece of paper.

Jesus H. Christ. If there was a tarantula in my apartment at all, let alone a missing one, I would move. I would probably leave most of my stuff behind in the race to get the fuck out of there as fast as I could.