I spent an interesting afternoon yesterday at the heart failure clinic. I met with the dietitian, the physiotherapist, and the pharmacist. All of whom were very nice, kind and friendly ladies.

Now the dietitian, I wasn’t to excited with her suggestions about even further restrictions to my diet. Even something as little as a pickle, is to be no more. Huge long list of food no, no’s. Most I already knew and was trying to follow. There were a few surprises such as the pickles, oh well.

Physiotherapist wants me up and walking more just around the house. In the past I have always thought of exercise should be something at least a little strenuous. Things like taking a walk or such should be 30 minutes long or something before it counts as exercise. I was wrong, every single individual step we take is indeed exercise. When I think of it, that is so obvious. So I now have a target number of minutes to be walking. It is a daily target and can be broken up into as many little walking segments as I like, it is the total minutes that counts.

Pharmacist reviewed my medication list to ensure I am taking them correctly and I am.

So it was an interesting visit.

I am sitting here thinking about my life and just life in general. Dwelling in the past is never a good thing, but it is natural to occasionally reflect back. You never want to get stuck in the “if only” mind set. We need to accept what has transpired in our lives and move on. But, I do think there is a healthy way we can look back at our “if only” times. If done correctly and in a healthy way, we can learn from these times.

I think we so often tend to sell ourselves short, not giving ourselves enough credit for who we are or what we do. I suppose it is a form of insecurity that can give us a defeatist attitude. There is no way I can get that or do that so why even try. This, no point is even trying attitude leads to the “if only” thoughts. Go for the gusto, give it a try, even if it doesn’t work out you at least know you tried.

I think this applies to every area of our lives and virtually every age in our lives. What are examples, lets go right back to our school years. Suppose, say you had a huge crush on a particular girl but lacked the nerve to even ask her out. Who is to know she may have said yes, she may have said no and you are left with the “if onlys” which are magnified because you didn’t at least try.

Lets move to career and job choices. Let’s suppose you have in your mind a dream job and suddenly it become available. But, you see the list of other candidates applying for the job. That defeatist attitude kicks in and you realize within yourself there is no point in even trying. I can’t match or compete with those other candidates. Later you face the “if only’s”. How do you know you wouldn’t have gotten the job if you didn’t at least try. If you tried and got your dream job, excellent. If you tried and failed well at least you know you tried.

I think often we settle for things in life, because it is the safe or easy thing to do. We so often don’t try just reaching for our dreams. Doing this may expose us, make us a little vulnerable, fears of failure or being embarrassed creep in.

I guess my whole point is, how do we know? How do we know if maybe we would have gotten that dream job? How do we know so very many things in life, if we don’t at least try?

It is time to quite selling ourselves short and reach for our dreams and goals. What is the very worst that can happen, you get turned down or get a no. At least you can rest easy knowing you tried.

Life is to be a positive wonderful thing and it truly is. Never sell yourself short, who knows reach for a star and you may just get it.

My deepest regrets to my blogging friends. I have been on line very little of late. My mind seems to be totally preoccupied with other issues. I have read and so appreciate every comment I have received. I will be responding to each in turn, very soon.

More and more it seems I have been just copying and posting the content of some of the wonderfully inspirational emails I have been receiving. There are writers out there so much more gifted and I and are able to convey what really are my thoughts and feelings, it is just worded so much better.

I give you another message that just really struck me.
The Wooden Bowl

I guarantee you will remember the tale of the Wooden Bowl tomorrow, a week from now, a month from now, a year from now.
A frail old man went to live with his son, daughter-in-law, and four-year -old grandson.
The old man’s hands trembled, his eyesight was blurred, and his step faltered.
The family ate together at the table. But the elderly grandfather’s shaky hands and failing sight made eating difficult. Peas rolled off his spoon onto the floor.
When he grasped the glass, milk spilled on the tablecloth.
The son and daughter-in-law became irritated with the mess.
‘We must do something about father,’ said the son.
‘I’ve had enough of his spilled milk, noisy eating, and food on the floor.’
So the husband and wife set a small table in the corner.
There, Grandfather ate alone while the rest of the family enjoyed dinner.
Since Grandfather had broken a dish or two, his food was served in a wooden bowl.
When the family glanced in Grandfather’s direction, sometimes he had a tear in his eye as he sat alone.
Still, the only words the couple had for him were sharp admonitions when he dropped a fork or spilled food.
The four-year-old watched it all in silence.
One evening before supper, the father noticed his son playing with wood scraps on the floor.
He asked the child sweetly, ‘What are you making?’ Just as sweetly, the boy responded,
‘Oh, I am making a little bowl for you and Mama to eat your food in when I grow up.
‘The four-year-old smiled and went back to work.
The words so struck the parents so that they were speechless.
Then tears started to stream down their cheeks.
Though no word was spoken, both knew what must be done.
That evening the husband took Grandfather’s hand and gently led him back to the family table.
For the remainder of his days he ate every meal with the family. And for some reason,
neither husband nor wife seemed to care any longer when a fork was dropped, milk spilled, or the tablecloth soiled.

On a positive note, I’ve learned that, no matter what happens,
how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.

I’ve learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles four things:
a rainy day, the elderly, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.
I’ve learned that, regardless of your relationship with your parents, You’ll miss them when they’re gone from your life.

I’ve learned that making a ‘living’ is not the same thing as making a ‘life….’

I’ve learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.

I’ve learned that you shouldn’t go through life with a catcher’s mitt on both hands.

You need to be able to throw something back

I’ve learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you. But, if you focus on your family, your friends, the needs of others, > your work and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you

I’ve learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision.

I’ve learned that even when I have pains, I don’t have to be one.

I’ve learned that every day, you should reach out and touch someone. People love that human touch — holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back.

I’ve learned that I still have a lot to learn.

I’ve learned that you should pass this on to everyone you care about .I just did.

OK, back to me. That message just hit me where I needed it. Something I’ve learned also is that no matter what the message or it’s content, it is made even more special just knowing who it came from. Make someone’s day, let them see your name in the inbox of their email

I have been sort of MIA for the past while for a number of reasons both medical and personal. I am so happy, the new second pill has my blood sugars in line and I do feel so much better. For the first time ever I haven’t even been able to keep up with just reading the wonderful comments left by many. I do apologize to all. I have read all and will be responding to each individually. Just know I am back, I am here and doing fine.

I suppose all should be warned. Normally, I try to keep things on a relatively positive note. Today, I am upset, I am angry. I am blowing off steam by ranting here in my journal. I suppose if I am going to rant what better place to do it than here, what is a journal for.

For any that may not know, here in Canada we have been going through a record cold spell. It has been like this for at least a week if not even 2 weeks. With wind chill, temperatures have been in the -30’s and -40’s in some areas even -50’s. Now that is cold, hard to really even imagine unless you have experienced it. Your skin will literally freeze within minutes or even seconds. Us, Canadians love to brag about the weather, shows how tough we are. This extreme cold is not pleasant, but if prepared, dressed properly etc. it is endurable. OK, my rant is not about the weather but about the unimaginable things some people are doing during it. Every year there are death due to the cold, all of which are tragic. BUT THIS YEAR, ahhhhh, words escape me.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH US, HAS THE COLD FROZEN OUR BRAINS? That is the only answer I can think of.

I have been following a couple of stories in the newspaper.

First story, the gist of which is as follows. some one went to park their car in a mall parking lot. As they did they notice the car beside theirs had 2 small children in the back seat. The car was not running so there fore obviously no heat in the vehicle. Thankfully this good Samaritan called the police, who arrived immediately. Open the car and took the children, who thankfully were still OK, to the warm and safety of their car. They then waited apparently for about 1/2 hour for a parent to appear. A mother came out of the mall and supposedly was surprised to see the police and couldn’t seem to understand that this was any sort of an issue. Hello.

Second story, an infant, I believe a new born was found abandoned lying face down on the cold concrete of an unheated parking garage. Again very luckily a passerby noticed the child and authorities were called. Miraculously the child had been discovered in time and I understand is doing fine. Police are searching for family.

Third story. They just keep coming and getting worse. A few mornings ago a man showed up banging on a neighbors door at about 5:30am. He was suffering from severe frost bite, hypothermia and was apparently babbling incoherently. Ambulance, police all were called, the man rushed to hospital and treated. Reportedly it was several hours before anyone could understand anything he was saying. When he did become coherent enough to be understood, he asked about his children as he had left them outside in a field. This was the first authorities knew of any children being involved in the situation. Naturally, them rushed to the area he said and sadly found 2 small children a 1 years old and a 3 years old clad only in a diaper and light tee shirt, frozen to death. The only explanation I have read so far includes the heavy use of alcohol and that he must have blacked out!!!!!! This just brings such a sad sigh.

Final rant, this one about our laws here in Canada. I read of a police officer being inter viewed. Apparently we do have a law on the books here that actually makes it illegal to simply abandon a child. Well duh, apparently we needed the government to pass a law to make it illegal. I suppose in fact the need for the law was to set appropriate punishments etc..

Now again according to this police officer, abandoning a child can get you up to 2 years in prison. Now he carried on to say, he was aware of many cases involving such children but couldn’t actually remember even one single time when any charges were actually laid.

My head is both numb and spinning at the same time, how can this be? Our children are our most helpless, wouldn’t it naturally follow that they need our greatest protection. Both within families but also within society as a total. How can this possibly not be the case?

Now, I am trying to imagine a comparable. Now I think of an adult, someone who either through disease or age or what ever is physically unable to do anything for themselves, really as helpless as these little children. Now, I can only imagine but suppose you took that adult. Say in a wheel chair of what ever, had the adult clad only in underwear and a tee shirt and you take them outside into the frigid temperatures and leave them there. Now, while I don’t know this, I am sure you would very likely be charged with murder if this adult died. I think this is as it should be, we need to protect the sick and the elderly.

I ask for feedback as I pose one simple question. So we not need to protect our children as least as much as if not more than all others?

Who am I?

I am a 61 year old male. At the age of 52 I was told by my doctor I am dying. For the past 4 years, I have done my best to deal with both congestive heart failure and a brain tumor, while knowing my days are indeed numbered. It is my hope that by sharing my experiences, I can encourage others faced with the same situation. I hope to also help the families of those individuals to have an understanding of the process and deal with the fear or dread of being around the dying.
I am not a doctor, not a man of the clergy, I am not a therapist. I am just me, Bill Howdle, I am merely sharing my thoughts and ideas. I write of death and dying, understand this is my personal prospective, based on what I am encountering.