Otherwise known as my constant attempts to enter the coveted Land of the Fertile, and stay there.

Saturday, September 29, 2012

So.....What Happens Now?

First of all, thanks for the kind words/comments/support from all of you out there in the Interweb. I did read every one and it really did make me feel a bit better. We really weren't surprised by the results, and, to be honest, weren't that gutted by the BFN. Perhaps that's because we were still a bit numb from the DE failure (which was a blow), or maybe because, with only one embryo making it there really wasn't a fantastic chance to begin with, but we were actually able to deal with it quite well, all things considered.

Oh, and to the troll who posted that insanity? You can go suck it.

So, as to why I haven't posted. Well.....it seems that I am now finally "gainfully employed". It was official in August (in the midst of the cycle) so I didn't say anything, just in case something got screwed up. But, thankfully everything went smoothly (for a change) and I am not teaching full-time, with a full-time salary AND BENEFITS! Boo-fucking-ya, bitchez! Needless to say, I've been running around like an asshole to get paperwork handed in, go to my new school and check out the scene and get ready for the new school year. It's an inner-city elementary school (one of the largest in NJ) and yeah, it's not the greatest compared to where I've been in the past, but I really do like it so far. The kids (I'm teaching 1st-5th grades, Special Ed and Bilingual classes) as a whole are great, the staff and administration is pretty supportive and I feel like I finally have a purpose, other than getting up in time to watch mindless daytime TV. The district eliminated all it's K-8 performing arts teachers when our "illustrious" governor slashed the education budget a few years ago, so this school hasn't had music for almost three years. It's really great to see how happy these kids are when I come in to teach. It's been exhausting and stressful but definitely enjoyable. So, we're getting back into the swing of things, finally.

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We finally had our follow-up with BIC about the latest failure the other day. Dr. Pipsqueak showed us the PGD report-out of the five embryos tested, two had trisomy 22, one had trisomy 13, one was classified "multiple abnormalities" (I don't even want to think about what that would be) and, of course, the normal one that didn't implant. She said that they went through every piece of testing that I've done and they can't see anything that would point to some hidden factor that's inhibiting a successful pregnancy, except for bad luck. She felt that the donor, although she initially seemed a good match, really wasn't the right one for us since, out of the three cycles she donated (ours included) she only had one success. Dr. Pipsqueak suggested that we try another round of DE, if we were up to it, and she let us know that they had a donor already in mind for us-apparently she's like the cash cow of egg donors. She donated once before, and we were told that the recipient now has so many leftover embryos that "she can't use them all in one lifetime" (her exact words). Because of this, they're suggesting a shared cycle with two other couples-one fresh and two frozen. We were informed that, even though we had a failed cycle, we were still at the top of the list, and therefore would be the primary recipients (meaning we'd get the fresh cycle). Hey, I've got insurance now, WITH donor egg coverage! Sign us up!

Well, since I was conveniently on CD 3, they drew blood and she did my ultrasound. I have a saline sonogram scheduled in about three weeks-she wants to check the tubes as she saw what she thinks is a paratubal cyst on one ovary, but she wants to make sure that it's not the tube itself (in which case I'd have to have the tubes closed off....hey, they don't work, so what's the big deal, right?). Then I got some prescriptions (OCP, and two antibiotics I have to take before the SHG), then we met with the financial coordinators about insurance.

And that is when, folks, we found out that we have maxed out on insurance. 4 attempts, lifetime. And in "lifetime" they mean my lifetime, not the lifetime of the policy. And that means, it's time to self-pay. Game over.

Fuck. Fuck Fuck FUCKITYFUCK. Are you FUCKING KIDDING ME????

So, now we're faced with a choice. Obviously we don't have the $26K to pay out for a cycle (damn Powerball), so the nice lady gave us the option to possibly seek financing from a company that only underwrites loans specifically for fertility treatments. I did a little research and it's not disgustingly expensive, assuming we'd get approved-I guess that's the benefit of not having too much in the way of bills. But.....ugh. A loan. Paying out of pocket. We're finally getting back on our feet financially and now this? I refuse, absolutely refuse to ask my family for money-it's not fair. Do I want to pay for a loan for something that could potentially not work? Not really.

Then I realized something-they're suggesting a shared cycle. With two other couples. That means all the donor fees (medical, compensation and prescriptions) should, in theory, be split three ways, right? So I shoot an email to the Nice Financial Lady at the clinic asking the very same question. I got a response yesterday that said that they are looking into what the costs are (my clinic very rarely, if at all, does shared cycles) and that they would send me a new cost breakdown once they figure it all out. So, potentially, our costs could be cut in half, which is not so bad.

Are we doing it? Once I get the numbers, we'll apply for the loan and see what happens. If we're approved, then we'll discuss it. If not.......well, then I guess we're done, for now. Or maybe for good. I just wish that I'd get a clear feeling/answer/whatever about it. It always seems like every time we get ready to do this, something happens that's bad, then something pretty decent happens to even it out. Of course, nothing REALLY GREAT happens in terms of a successful pregnancy, so I just don't know what to do or think anymore. I feel like maybe God is testing me to see if I'll give in to the insanity one more time and have it fail, or maybe He's trying to open that door for good this time.

Either way, decisions will have to be made, eventually. When it's ready to happen.

So good to read your news, been checking your blog most days & was wondering how you were doing. Many congratulations on the new job! Sounds fantastic & really hope your Dr can come back with some more workable $ figures. I'm contemplating my 3rd ivf round, all paid out of pocket but thankfully it's much cheaper here in Australia but expensive enough that it still hurts! Ivf is madness but stay strong, hold onto all that's good & keep us here in the blogosphere up to date on your progress x

Insurance is the biggest pain in the ass. Ugh. Consider yourself lucky that four cycles were covered! However, I hope your RE can figure it out and come back with a decent $ for you. Don't beat yourself up too horribly, when we come to a crossroads with IF, it's always hard to know what is right!

Just found your blog today....you are one tough chick! Thanks for sharing your story. Out of pocket sucks ass...we've never had insurance to pay for any of our treatments..it definitely changes how much and what you can do. Good luck!

I just started reading your blog tonight and my heart breaks for you. I know you've probably tried everything under the sun, but I thought I'd share with you what my dr told me... I noticed you said your eggs are crap. There is a lot of research showing DHEA helps egg count and quality. It's fairly inexpensive and would be worth a try. I hope you get a baby in your belly soon! Best of luck!

I am so sorry to read about this. I am new into this 'game' and am searching for women who understand me. I am unable to carry a pregnancy due to a heart condition I was born with, and am only beginning my journey to parenthood. I am so sorry that you have had so many struggles and blocks in your road to parenthood. I have started a blog as well and am finding it is quite therapeutic. I am hopeful for you, and will keep up to date with your progress!

I just came upon your blog and wish you would keep writing. I know it's hard -really hard- especially when/if there is no new news to share. But reading your posts really help me and It's all about me, wait, no, I meant to say that I'm sure it must be helping many more like me and hopefully the writing is or can be therapeutic to you.

I've been looking for a blog like this for ages but I swear every one I come upon is announcing their first or SECOND pregnancy. Like, wtf? How do these bitches forget so quickly the sting that that causes to women in our position? Anyway, hope to hear how things are going

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Wondering if you were planning on writing an update entry on how you've been since the last entry in September....Hoping not to sound stalkerish, but I've actually been following your story (and some of the other ladies) back from the NY/NJ TTC group on FF years ago....I've been rooting for you for a while now and am hoping you're ok. Just thought I'd let you know that someone was thinking of you and praying for good things to come your way.

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Who I Am

This is my story, about a woman in her thirties who's tubally infertile, been through multiple IVF's, too many FET cycles to count and some miscarriages, and trying to deal with the mess of it all. Now, with new and improved Donor IVF! Strap yourself in for the ride though-it's definitely going to be a bumpy one!