In the fourth of our not-to-be-taken-too-seriously five-part series counting
down the heroes and villains of 2013, Alan Tyers reflects on numbers 40 to 21

And promptly seemed to catch a nasty dose of rubbish on the golf course. The brilliant Northern Irishman showed rather an off-putting eagerness to suck up to his new paymasters, saying how “They are committed to being the best, as am I. Signing with Nike is another step towards living out my dream.” Had a hard time getting on with his new clubs though, and form tanked. Still, roughly 70 million quid should ease the pain.

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39 Marion Bartoli won Wimbledon; John Inverdale didn’t think she was pretty

One of the most misguided bits of sports commentary of this, or any other year, saw John Inverdale offer the indefensible assessment “Do you think Bartoli's dad told her when she was little 'You're never going to be a looker. You'll never be a Sharapova, so you have to be scrappy and fight’.” Still, Bartoli is a Wimbledon champion, and no sexist idiot can take that away from her – unlike, if rumours are to be believed, Inverdale’s 2014 Wimbledon role with the BBC.

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38 A pair of Australian rugby league full-backs

Aussie league full-back Billy Slater may sound like he should be a character in EastEnders, and showed that he was no stranger to a bit of drama when thumping a bloke in a Manchester nightclub queue. His replacement in the team, Greg Inglis, is a real hero: he paid for a group of 32 indigenous children from New South Wales to visit Disneyland Paris in November, and invited others to Harrow to watch the Aussies train for their semi-final.

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37 Aaron Ramsey, most improved player in the Premier League

Here’s Piers Morgan on Twitter on Ramsey shortly before the turn of the year: “What does Wenger see in Ramsey? A complete and utter liability.” Talk about silencing your critics. Well, on this issue, at least. If only Aaron could do something about Piers in general.

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36 Jimmy Anderson’s beyond-the-call heroism at Trent Bridge

James Anderson had been getting better and better for some years before this July masterpiece. Defying Brad Haddin, pressure, and physical exhaustion, he bowled a truly great 13-over spell on the last morning of the first Test to take four Australian wickets, making ten in the match, and giving England a 1-0 lead in the series. We may only really know how much it drained him once he retires: Jimmy has not been the same bowler since, and has taken his wickets at 47 in the seven matches subsequent to his Trent Bridge masterpiece.

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35 Kevin Prince-Boateng walked off the pitch

There’s a lot of well-meaning guff talked about racism and what football should do about it. But Kevin Prince-Boateng demonstrated the truism that actions peak louder than words in March when he refused to put up with any more vile abuse during a friendly match for AC Milan against Pro Patria (is the clue in the name?) Sick of taunts aimed at himself, M'Baye Niang, Urby Emanuelson and Sulley Muntari, Prince-Boateng lead his team off the park.

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34 James Wade, Wildman of darts

Another eventful year for the Aldershot arrowsmith saw him reveal that he has battled depression, have various run-ins with the crowd and fellow players, and get a four-tournament ban for poor behaviour. On the upside, he completed the darts player’s personal-life equivalent of a 170-checkout: he shacked up with a walk-on girl: the busty blonde etc etc stunner Sammi Marsh. Love that ‘I’, Sammi.

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33 André Villas-Boas, press target of the year

By all accounts a very bright chap, the erstwhile Tottenham manager failed to grasp one glaringly simple fact about UK football: you have to play along with the press a bit, even if you think they’re contemptible. Many an okay manager (his predecessor at White Hart Lane being perhaps the best example) has shown that a bit of bonhomie with the press goes a long way once results start to tank. AVB indulged himself with an imperious attitude towards the football hacks, and they were more than happy to stir the pot and contribute to his sacking.

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32 Matt Prior was named England cricketer of the year

May seems a long, long time ago for poor old Matt Prior now. He’s not alone (far from it) in the England team in having a torrid time Down Under, but his form has collapsed worst of all. Named England’s cricketer of the year in May, he then promptly got a pair at Lord’s, the first and second of five ducks since his award. Has scored just 283 runs in 19 innings since the honour, with only one half century. The end of an era in England’s engine room?

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31 Charlotte Green read the football scores

It’s never easy replacing a legend. For many people, BBC Radio’s James Alexander Gordon WAS the football results, and seeing that he did it for more than 40 years, why wouldn’t they think that? And perhaps the fact that Charlotte Green would be the first woman to read out the BBC’s football results added to the pressure in September. She was flawless. Maybe not surprising: Green, in her mid-50s, said she has been practising reading the football scores out aloud since she was six!

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30 Spanish courts binned the evidence

No doubt they had their reasons, but (to the outsider anyway) the decision of the Spanish courts to order the destruction of evidence in the case against Spanish dope doctor Eufemiano Fuentes seemed utterly bizarre. The World Anti-Doping Agency requested that 211 bags of blood and plasma and other evidence seized by police be examined but Judge Julia Patricia Santamaria ruled it should be destroyed unseen. Fuentes had testified at the start of his 10-week trial that his customers included athletes from football, tennis, athletics and boxing. Guess we’ll never know whom.

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29 Laura Trott and company broke the world record (Again)

Any hopes that there might be a let-up after the London Olympics proved sadly misguided for the rivals of Britain’s women’s team pursuit cycling team. Laura Trott, Dani King, Joanna Rowsell and Elinor Barker smashed (their own) world record in Manchester on the way to World Cup success, and the prospects of more gold in Rio look very good indeed.

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28 Roy Hodgson’s monkey

Perhaps Roy Hodgson was just disorientated because England were actually playing quite well during their match with Poland, but his half-time team-talk joke about a monkey in space backfired badly. While it was not, by any reasonable judgement, intended to be racist, it was certainly a bit odd. Normal service was resumed within a game or two, with any flickers of optimism well and truly doused with some typically unfunny poor performances.

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27 Geraint Thomas’s pelvic thrust

Extraordinary. You have to be a tough nut to ride in the Tour de France, but Geraint Thomas must have been taking the mick. Came off in a fearful tumble in the first stage, getting himself a break of the pelvis in the process, but nevertheless pressed on and completed the Tour. “Broken pelvis? Meh, just a flesh wound.” He finished 140th but helped Sky teammate Chris Froome to glory. Hard. As. Nails.

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26 Monty Panesar: hammer of the bouncers

Oh, Monty. And he always seemed such a nice, mild-mannered lad. Cricket has a rich tradition of hell-raisers, but even 52-can David Boon or Sir Ian Botham in his pomp never had a wee on a bouncer, as Monty did during an August night out in Brighton. Was chased into a takeaway restaurant where, thanks to the magic of mobile phones, he could be seen apologising and pleading for forgiveness. All very strange and, as it turned out, evidence that the popular spinner was going through a hard time in his personal life.

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25 Roy Keane and Sir Alex Ferguson got stuck in

When they ruled the football world like The Emperor and a midfield Darth Vader, these guys may not have known the meaning of the word “defeat”, but it’s starting to feel like they don’t know the meaning of the words “quiet” or “dignity” either. An increasingly unedifying spat has unfolded since the publication of Sir Alex’s book, with claim and counter-claim of “disloyalty” and egos-gone-wild. Where will it end? In a massive televised row, hopefully.

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24 Chris Davis returned a field goal 100 yards

With the scores tied 28-28 in the last seconds of the 2013 Iron Bowl, Alabama Crimson tide had a chance to win it with a 57-yard field goal. The kick drifted wide, and into the arms of Auburn Tigers cornerback Chris Davis, who set off on an astonishing slaloming run to return the ball fully 100 yards and win the match with one second on the clock.

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23 Curtis Woodhouse tracked down a Twitter troll

If the internet’s blowhards and keyboard warriors learned one thing this year, it was this: if you’re going to abuse strangers online, make sure they’re not welterweight boxing contenders. Sick of being slagged off by Twitter user @jimmyob88, Curtis Woodhouse tracked him down and posted a picture of himself in the bloke’s street. “Right Jimbob, I'm here,” he wrote, adding: “Someone tell me what number he lives at or do I have to knock on every door #itsshowtime.” Grovelling retractions were soon forthcoming from the former Twitter tough guy. And, on that score at least, can you blame him?

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22 Christine Ohuruogu won the World Title

Became the first British woman to win two world titles when she produced a thrilling late surge to take a photo finish. She dipped in perfect time and won the 400m by just four one-thousandths of a second, defending champion Amantle Montsho was the one to miss out by any agonisingly small margin.

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21 David Warner chinned Joe Root

Aussie batsman David Warner announced himself as a pantomime villain to the English public this summer when he thumped little Joe Root in the Birmingham Walkabout. It was then claimed, bizarrely, that Warner had taken offence at Root’s wearing of a comedy wig. What England fans wanted to know is: why did Warner pick on the smallest and youngest player in the opposition? And more importantly: why do the England team have such bad taste in bars that they want to hang out in a Birmingham Walkabout?