Help wanted: 536 people to put the U.S. first

In the wake of another super failure by Congress, the following help-wanted ad should appear in newspapers across America:

A once-respected employer entrusted with the welfare of the best country on Earth seeks hundreds of qualified job candidates for short-term, high-paying jobs with generous benefits and pension programs, not to mention considerable power.

The successful applicants will be those willing to put aside their personal ambitions and make decisions on what's best for the people of the United States of America, not just special-interest groups on either side of the political spectrum.

? Positions open: We're seeking 536 people willing to run for either president of the United States (we're not too impressed with any of the current applicants), 435 positions in the U.S. House of Representatives, all of which thankfully are opening in 2014, and 100 seats in the U.S. Senate, one-third of which will be open to newcomers in 2014.

? Qualifications: Incumbents need not apply. Must be an American citizen willing to serve his or her country by leading bold changes in its daily management. Previous political experience not required, even preferred. Previous leadership success strongly desired. Good credit history showing responsibility in spending money required. Must be 25 years old to apply for the House of Representatives, 30 for the Senate or 35 for president.

? Skills needed: Ability to make tough decisions reflecting America's desire to keep taxes fair and preferably low while taking sensible steps to protect the long-term viability of key social services. Ability to tell American people what they probably don't want to hear required. Ability to put country first and politics later strongly preferred. Ability to ignore special interest agendas mandatory, including pledge to sign no pledges on any issue.

? Interview process: Applicants will be interviewed during the course of several months by the employer's review committee, the citizens of the United States. Applicants will be challenged on their positions regarding taxes, Social Security, health care and the national debt among many others. Unfortunately, you also will need to raise funds to share these messages.

? Candidate selection: The review committee will consider the applicants' applicable skills and positions on key issues. Decisions additionally will be based on the truth of applicants' advertising messages and willingness to avoid unfair sound bites.

? Warnings: If selected, please remember you will work for the people of the United States. Applicants should understand they likely will face severe public scorn should they repeat the mistakes of their predecessors, namely collecting big paychecks while bickering with fellow employees and accomplishing nothing. If chosen, must be willing to place any investments into a blind trust to avoid any chance of a conflict of interest.

? How to apply: Visit your local board of elections to seek petitions for the 2014 primary elections and additional information.

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Help wanted: 536 people to put the U.S. first

In the wake of another super failure by Congress, the following help-wanted ad should appear in newspapers across America: