Silly Season: Gloria Allred, Donald Trump to Drop 'October Surprises'

This election season just wouldn't be complete without eleventh-hour cameo appearances from two of the biggest publicity mongers on planet earth. Celebrity attorney Glorida Allred and famed real estate mogul Donald Trump both claim to be in possession of potential political bombshells that could alter the course of the presidential contest. My strong suspicion is that both the Romney and Obama campaigns would be delighted if this cartoonish duo would simply go away and keep their "revelations" to themselves. Fat chance. Let's start with Allred, whose hit on Mitt Romney is looking mighty lame:

A person familiar with the matter says a hearing at 9 a.m. E.T. on Wednesday in Canton, Massachusetts before family court justice Jennifer Ulwick relates to sealed records in long-litigated divorce proceedings between Staples founder and Romney friend Tom Stemberg and his ex-wife. A source familiar with the matter says the former Bain Capital chief testified in the case for the purposes of helping to put a price on some stock that was part of the initial divorce settlement. The usual web gossip peddlers are speculating about why Allred is involved and what political damage could come Romney’s way from the sideshow. The full details of the case and the nature of the hearing could not be learned, but Robert Jones, an attorney at the Boston law firm of Ropes & Gray, who is representing Romney in this matter told TIME in a statement, “This is a decades-old divorce case in which Mitt Romney provided testimony as to the value of a company. He has no objection to letting the public see that testimony.”

Gasp! Mitt Romney testified during a friend's divorce proceedings many years ago. And his secret, sealed testimony is so damaging that...he's totally fine with the public seeing what's in it. Heckuva job, Gloria. If Democrats try to hype this nonsense, voters will be able to smell the "kitchen sink" desperation from a mile away. "That's it?" they'll ask themselves, "they must really be losing." Allred claims the documents reveal "juicy" information about Romney. It looks like the only juicy element here is the nothingburger she's peddling. As for Trump, there's been much speculation about what he's got tucked up his sleeve. Could it be allegations that Barack Obama sold cocaine in his youth? Apparently not. One source says Trump will release never-filed divorce papers Michelle Obama once prepared in advance of a possible split with her husband:

Donald Trump is to claim that he has unearthed divorce papers of Michelle Obama and the President, according to a respected financial pundit with links to the tycoon. It is alleged that the eccentric real estate mogul will claim that the documents show the First Lady and the President were at one point in their two decades of marriage seriously considering splitting up. Trump set the hare running on Monday by claiming that he was set to make an announcement on Wednesday that would be ‘bordering on gigantic' and that it would ‘possibly’ change the Presidential race.

Needless to say, gossiping about a couple's alleged past marital strains is beyond tawdry, especially coming from the twice-divorced Trump. If this turns out to be the "big" story, Republicans shouldn't touch it with a ten foot pole. It's crass, petty, and irrelevant. Jobs, the debt, take-home pay, and economic growth are what matter to Americans, not this tabloid trash. Absent a real story, conservatives shouldn't follow The Donald down this unseemly rabbit hole.

UPDATE - Trump's "major announcement" is that he'll donate $5 million to the charity of Barack Obama's choice in exchange for the president releasing his college applications and transcripts, as well as his passport documentation. Yawn:

The World Series starts tonight. Allred and Trump are already batting 0-for-2.