Monday, June 23, 2008

All Jacked UP

I've been having an incredibly hard time sleeping lately. I've never needed much sleep, running on fumes is a constant for me and rarely do I crash completely. Don't get me wrong I LOVE sleeping, right now- I just can't.

When my head finally hits the pillow is usually when all of the "writing worthy" topics hit me, then the moment I sit up and put my feet on the ground, the thoughts are gone. RIGHT when I'm about to get ready to go to sleep is usually when I get a sudden urge to Google, "INDIA" or "Ashrams in India"....then something else random like, "inner peace" or "cupcake recipes" why? I don't know, because the idea of fucking cupcakes is akin to inner peace. Um.

Today, I was particularly brutal to myself. One of those shitty self confidence days where you star in the mirror and say cruel things like, "you look fucking terrible." WHY do we do that? Some of the things I say to myself, I'd straight judo chop someone for saying. A chop directly to the larynx. Don't speak those words, annnnd CHOP! Hiyyya! Sometimes I think that if I talk to myself like I'm a drill Sargent that I'll suck it up and be all steel-like. Unshakable. Like a rock, in the non- Dodge sort of sense. Then, it hits me....my inner talk can go from loving affirmations, "love and light...I am complete and open, healthy, peaceful and serene." to...."what the fuck is wrong with you, look at you- you're a mess. you're alone, your hair sucks, your boobs look tiny today and your stomach isn't nearly as small as you thought it was yesterday. You are delusional. And yeah, you should've worn your retainer. Your teeth look stupid. BTW you're still lost. Go play Solitaire. Ugly."

?!?

What the hell happened to my loving zen master and where the fuck did that crazzzzzzy voice stash her???! I want her back! Stop taking my serenity hostage, you voice of evil, you!Then what happens is I start having the anxiety, oh yes. ANXIETY. Like a neurotic, frenzied character from an indie film. I start saying things like, "I need to get some air." or "I can't feel my hands." My brain warps from anxiety so much that I unconsciously make my hands go numb....then what do I do? Google it, just in case its some rare medical mystery that I should be concerned about. Apparently I think I can find all my answers through Google and ashrams.Now, I am NOT that person. I don't believe in getting sick, that's right- I don't believe it. I believe I have full control over my mind, my health and my destiny, but lately; shit has been misfiring and I'm all fucked.

My purse is full of sugar packets because right now it's my mental mind-trick when I start to feel panicy, a complete placebo but it's working.

30 comments:

I can spend hours learning about random things online, often right when I should be doing something else, like sleeping. I'll be about to get into bed and think, "wait, what's so special about mascarpone?" and then the night is shot learning about various dairy products on wikipedia.

I have those days. No matter what I do I look like crap. Then I spend hours trying to correct such crapness, resulting in me running late, which then causes anxiety. It's not fun, but then the next day is always better.

I also look up random things late at night. Unfortunately is usually doomsday cults or serial killers, and then I'm too scared to go to sleep. I blame lifetime movies.

i totally empathize with your late-night searches! I have spent the past eight months or so Google-ing the cost of a plane ticket from melbourne to anywhere- kenya, london, montreal, but most recently, new york. THEN I became obssessed with finding out every little thing about nyc and NOW i have an entire three-week itinerary mapped out for my (eventual) pilgramige to new york. YOUR blog has inspired me. Don't give up on yourself just yet :)

Sometimes I get all jacked up too. You're definitely not the only one. I have a major issue with anxiety and it ain't fun. I've tried various things to deal with it but I think I've learned that it's something I just have to talk myself through. Sometimes it takes weeks before I feel normal again. I'm very bad at hiding how I'm feeling. Like, VERY bad. I truly hope that you find your Zen place again soon!

Just READING that someone else out there is going "What the fuck happened to my boobs? They were bigger yesterday. For real. They were. And my stomach? I swear I had rock hard abs this morning. My boob weight went to my stomach?" while knowing it is SO wrong to do so, makes me feel at ease.

Soo let's stop this? Okay, yeah, that wasn't a question cause I've officially declared you IN. We aren't doing this anymore, and we're going to remember that we are fucking brilliant SEXY mammas.

(I don't think I've ever said 'mammas' before when referring to myself. But it fit.)

I just got out of a funk like this recently. For me, running helped. And making a list (or 78) of things I'm grateful for - whether that's Pinot Noir, my family, or just a skinny stomach day. It helps to force yourself to recognize the positives.

I often go back and forth quite easily when it comes to loving self-talk and hate talk about myself. I wish I knew what the secret was for playing on a nice, even field of sanity. maybe that's overrated??

I'm awful at the end of the day with my mind not being able to turn off. It's horrible and has been worse lately. Get some Ambien and lock up the food. We're always the hardest on ourselves no matter what.

I had a major bout with anxiety for over a year, and there was one thing that a therapist told me that always works.First, you have to acknowledge the fact that you are having an anxiety attack.Then you give yourself a time limit of 20 minutes where you write down whatever thoughts are racing through your mind. Keep track of the time, and by the end of 20 minutes, you should start coming down.I don't know if it works for everyone, but it definitely worked for me....It's all a matter of gaining control when you feel out of control.

I tend to get odd ideas at the most convenient times also: right before falling asleep and when I am in the shower. I would recommend Tylenol PM and a notepad by the bed for the former situation. The shower one I don't have figured out yet!

I get a little OCD about Google searches as well. I try to set a time limit for myself to keep it from being a complete timesuck. I always have travel plans on the brain. My current dream vacation is traveling through Spain and Portugal.

Everyone has these days. googling stuff only leads to more anxiaty...at least for me. Try having a power party it's the opposite of a power nap, you put on some happy music , shake around in your underwear regardless of the fact that it's late at night, this clears your head trust me.

thanks chelsea you know i actually have had a look at your guides they are so great! I especially loved the one about finding love in bookstores- so sweet!The plan is to get to new york after university, so i have four years to go! I've already started saving! thanks for great guides and a great blog xoxo

Those days in front of the mirror suck. A lot. Sometimes, I have to take my mirror and write something encouraging on it just so I'll stop myself from cutting myself down. Cheesy, I know, but it works about 95% of the time.

Maybe you should knock yourself out with something. When I sleep, like really konk out for a while, I feel 100X better when I wake up. Hope you come out of this funk soon :)