Wandering the double mazes of infertility and living in a foreign culture.

Sunday, 9 January 2011

Dangerous Conversations

Since we're started making our IVF appointments, I've had a strict 'don't get our hopes up, don't talk about the potential baby,' policy until I'm actually pregnant. In fact, I probably won't allow conversations on the topic unless we make it to 12 weeks. Well, I say that now, but I expect if I get pregnant I will be planning and planning from the minute we get the bfp. Banning the conversation is a form of avoiding getting hurt, like when you have a driving test and you say 'I'll probably fail' so that if you do you're not as disappointed. It doesn't mean you're not thinking about the possibility of success.

However last night we went out for dinner and afterwards we were in a bar having a drink. I don't know how it got started but we were talking about names, about Godparents (we're neither of us even Christian) about all the things I have been banning conversation about. It was so much fun and it was nice to be hopeful, rather than cautiously pessimistic.

What this proved to me was that my hopes are well and truly up, even if I'm constantly repeating to my husband that it might not happen.

I'm so scared of being disappointed, of going through the pain of a bfn after the treatment, of getting a bfp but then having a miscarriage. I am terrified of everything. I hate when my brain starts running down these holes of fear, as it's really difficult to get out of them.

I think I can handle this pain if it happens - I think I'm quite a strong person, and I know women who have been through multiple miscarriages and endless problems and are still standing and have gone on to have healthy babies. They've kept going because the hope is stronger than the fear. And I know the same thing will apply to me, but it doesn't mean I'm not scared.

2 comments:

Hi there,I'm really feeling for you.. everything you said struck such a chord with me. The 'holes of fear' are where my mind seems to spend most of its time at the moment.No matter how much we try to tell ourselves that it may not work, we can't help being hopeful and we shouldn't stop ourselves from having hope - that's what keeps us going, isn't it? And there is ALWAYS hope :)You are strong and, whatever happens, you will be OK.xx