No matter how commercially bankrupt we become as a nation, we still exult the shit out of the gritty womenfolk who fuck on camera. Farrah Abraham, who is a mom and not a porn star, led a cavalcade of ass to mouth practitioners up the red carpet for the Adult Video Awards in Vegas. Whose cum are you wearing? Who glittered your taint? There’s no artist pretense to be had when the world has seen your prolapsed rectum under hot lights. Nobody needs to thank their stepdads for fingering them as preteens or the moms who conveniently looked the other way. Greatness isn’t born, it’s built. That’s America. God bless us.

Jesse Jane, star of such films as Lollipop, and 148 other movies that easily could’ve been called Lollipop as well, and Leanna Decker, a Cybergirl with the ass of a lesser angel, decided to rub their tits together in Malibu. I’m pretty sure this is how porn star girlfriends choose new roommates after sticking paper clips up their twats and pressing the reset button. I’m just happy for the kids on the beach who thought they’d be stuck with another boring day of collecting seashells and stepping around Nick Nolte’s bloated lifeless body.

After several days of rampant nudity and sex toys galore at the Adult Entertainment Expo and AVN Awards, porn star Jesse Jane hosted the official AVN after party at Pure Nightclub at Caesar’s Palace in Las Vegas on Saturday night. With her long, successful career, Jesse remains one of the biggest names in porn and still possessed the drawing power to make grown men stand in line and try to get a look at her giant breasts crammed into her tiny dress. That’s remarkable, if you think about it, considering you can watch a guy slap his cock on her face at any given second with the right Google search.