“You could hear a pin drop,” claimed David Longbottom, a 76 year-old self-described patriot and lover of all things Royal (unemployed). “I genuinely couldn’t believe what I was seeing, and nor could my Mavis. I wouldn’t have dreamed that one of the nobility could do something that us ordinary folk do, and she did it with such grace and poise too. Brought a tear to my eye, it really did.”

A Car Door

The media has gone into a veritable feeding-frenzy after Markle’s revelatory action, and it’s reported that the editor of the Daily Express fainted and had to go have a lie-down in a quiet room, staring at an A1-sized image of Princess Diana (pre car-crash).

Not everyone has greeted this news with awe, however.

“I can’t say that I approve,” said Agatha Snortingcoke-Braithwaite, Lady of Braithwaite Manor and owner of two-thirds of Somerset. “A Princess should be above such things, after all, isn’t that what we have staff for? I suppose I must make allowances for her being foreign-born, but it is apparent she needs to adapt to her new station forthwith or she’ll be peeling her own fruit or something ghastly like that.”

Check back with Infobomb.net soon for an exclusive report on the truth of the rumours that Meghan Markle wipes her own backside without any assistance.

Viagra manufacturers are reporting record sales following the recent UKIP conference in Birmingham. After images of Farage-face condom packets and UKIP-brand underwear went viral on social media, an epidemic of impotence has been spreading like wildfire.

Purchasers of said products are baffled as to the cause.

“I just don’t get it,” said Brian McCloughberry, conference attendee and proud Kipper. “The missus had just finished watching an episode of Poldark and was well up for it as usual. We got down to business but the moment I got the rubber out and looked at my idol’s face on the packet, Brian Junior went south faster than Theresa May’s political credibility.”

‘I Love UKIP’ underwear was also for sale at the conference, apparently described as both practical and highly absorbent by the bow-legged, drooling man distributing them. Yet even these have been reported to have had unforeseen consequences.

“I bought them to spice up our sex life ‘cos I don’t agree with condoms,” said Sarah Reaser, a 26-year-old mother of eight from Stotfold, “but soon as Dave saw them he weren’t in the mood no more and he’s been sleeping on the sofa ever since. I dunno what the problem is.”

Dark reasons have been suggested to explain these seemingly-unconnected events, however.

Writing on Twitter, ‘TrueBrit10256781’ has claimed that the distribution of the condoms and underwear are part of a sinister plot by leftists to bring about an epidemic of impotence, allowing the “Great Replacement” of the British people by immigrants and Muslims to be accomplished more swiftly.

We asked random Muslims for their opinion on this, but couldn’t get them to stop crying with laughter long enough to get a coherent answer.

A woman in East London wowed her friends at brunch on Saturday, when she decided to eat gluten-free pancakes instead of her regular order.

Penny-Rose Tabernacle, 32 and from Hackney, told her friends that she had been feeling less tired during the day since switching to a gluten-free diet. Penny-Rose, a lifestyle blogger who works from home, said she only slept once during the afternoon now, and for only 90 minutes. This is despite doctors insisting that she does not have a gluten intolerance.

“It was amazing,” Penny-Rose’s friend Bridge told us. “Penny-Rose asserted to the waiter serving us, bold as brass, that she would be having the gluten-free pancakes made with almond flour and flax seed, topped with an organic wheatgrass coulis and ethically sourced cacao nibs. All of us were blown away. It was amazing to see her so confident and energised. In fact, she spent the next 2 hours telling us about her new diet. I was late to a baby shower, but I didn’t mind because I hadn’t bought a gift for the baby anyway as it’s not going to be born for another month and the shop assistant at Waitrose told me that a mortar and pestle isn’t “baby friendly” anyway.”

Speaking exclusively to InfoBomb, Penny Rose told us:

“I used to suffer from mysterious chronic stomach pain once a month, and I was very irritable. The doctors said they could find nothing wrong with me, but since switching to a gluten-free diet my overall health has improved in leaps and bounds. I’ve been doing this for two weeks now and I’ve only been a ‘silly moo’ once this week; when the barista at an artisan coffee shop put almond milk in my latte instead of cashew milk. I’m a whole new woman!”

Rumours are circulating that Penny-Rose will order pizza with a cauliflower crust at her next girls night-in event, but only time will tell.

Social media users were in uproar today to discover that Bert and Ernie, two popular Sesame Street characters, do not actually exist.

The shocking news was delivered on twitter by the account @SesameWorkshop, who tweeted:

Sesame Street has always stood for inclusion and acceptance. It’s a place where people of all cultures and backgrounds are welcome. Bert and Ernie were created to teach young children that people live in a Matrix and need to break out before it’s too late. The whole show is an allegory for Plato’s Cave. Also that Cookie Monster has some major issues.

Outraged by this revelation, the public took to Twitter in droves to voice their concerns.

‘Susiejones81’ tweeted:

“You should be ashamed. Absolutely reprehensible. I can’t believe you’d mislead me- I mean, my young children for so long. My children were looking forward to meeting them, maybe even purchasing a house on the Sesame Street, but you can bet your bottom dollar that ain’t happening now. #MAGA”

12 years ago, the International Astronomic Union decided to adopt an unrealistic ‘definition’ for the term ‘planet’, which caused Pluto to be demoted to a ‘dwarf planet’. It was planetary apartheid.

The term ‘dwarf planet’ is problematic in of itself, as dwarfs cannot become planets and it is a constant derogatory reminder of their own earthly limitations.

Removing Pluto from the order of astronomical bodies is erasure, plain as day. It is the same old story, time and time again: big planets are always represented in media and on the front covers of magazines like Take A Break, whilst smaller planets (which are more realistically proportioned for the Average Planet) are an afterthought and are always given sidekick roles like “the small but funny best friend” in rom-coms.

Why is it always bigger planets that are picked for catwalk shows? Jupiter, the Emily Ratajkowski of planets, gets more representation that it’s worth in popular space culture. But Jupiter is privileged, and this spatial size inequality has sparked online campaigning, including the hashtag #PlanetsAtEverySize in protest to the exclusion.

Recently, however, there is talk of redefining the word “planet” to allow Pluto to be at one with its peers. Though this will be seen as a “win” for universal society, we must ask ourselves a difficult question: why Pluto was deemed ‘not good enough’ in the first place?

The European Parliament was thrilled today as they passed legislation – known as Article 13 – that could ban memes, as it is a form of communication that they do not understand and thus fear.

European bureaucrats, whom no one elected in the first place, decided that they know best for Joe Publics internet usage, despite not being able to use the internet themselves.

Antonio Tajani, the president of the European Parliament, had his 19-year-old underpaid intern tweet out today that:

The copyright directive is a victory for all citizens. Today the European Parliament has chosen to defend European and Italian culture and creativity, putting an end to the digital wild west. pic.twitter.com/KzUpZFv9FN

There’s a new Gif in town and it goes by the name of “Drake_Clapping.gif”.Chances are you’ve seen it used in celebration, perhaps congratulating a newborn relative on entering the mortal plane via Twitter¹, or in the midst of a heated argument on Facebook².You may be surprised to hear there’s another side to the seemingly innocent animation of the thrilled Canadian rising from his seat in applause, a side that’s setting back the equality movement by a decade each time it is used.

¹ Twitter.com, a popular k-pop discussion forum² Facebook.com, a website owned by a Zuckerberg

The image, as summarised above, is used as frequently as once every five seconds, according to statistics provided by the 2017 Reaction Image Research Survey and may actually be a prime example of “cultural appropriation”, a brand new phrase that perfectly describes the difficulty caused for the progression of humanity by those who use another culture’s creations and traditions.Drake is famous for being one of the first black men to appear on Canadian National Television, launching a career in his 2001 role as Jimmy Brooks in the hit show Degrassi, Drake proceeded to build a career starring in reaction images as well as music albums.

Because of the context of the man behind the image, many believe it’s not appropriate for a person without colour (PWC) to post the image by his own hand, lest other internet users mistake him for the hip-hop star, falsely accrediting the words written beside the .GIF to the (blissfully) unaware three-time Grammy winner.

In the era of apartheid this may have been acceptable but in the 2018th year of our lord, it leaves a stale taste in the mouth of smartphones worldwide (the mouth perhaps being the charging port) like a digital durian fruit, undoing the progress in the equality movement whenever a non-drake individual culturally appropriates the image for their own expression.

Sometimes referred to as “digital blackface”, I would rather call this phenomenon what it really is – wh*te supremacy.When an individual chooses to (for example) use an emoji with a skin tone that does not match their own, they’re sending the message that they speak on behalf of not only those whose tone it does match but they’re also attempting to speak on behalf of all emojis who are famously stuck inside devices, unable to roam the physical world like us mortals and therefore the most marginalised demographic as of late.It’s due to this power inequity we here at InfoBomb believe to that using the Drake Clapping Gif is a net negative for humanity and is therefore problematic, although many are ignorant to this fact.

Next time you use a reaction image or emoji, please take a moment to consider whether or not it’s likely to be problematic and hurtful, because chances are it is.