This is a short story I've decided to do to provide some background for my character in the Sith role play, Raziel Zeraii. Constructive criticism is greatly welcomed. If anybody has any suggestions for a better title, don't hesitate to PM me. Here's chapter one.

***

Raziel's Past: Chapter One.

"Concentrate Raziel, let the Force direct you" Master Joro said.

Raziel concentrated on the stone statue in the middle of the small section of the garden, his mind focused on lifting it. He closed his eyes and listened to the bubbling fountain. Master Joro had brought him to the Room of a Thousand Fountains to hone his skills in the Force. He'd been her Padawan for six years and during that time his skill in the Force had improved greatly. Master Joro had admitted to the Council that he was the most skilled Padawan she'd seen in her lifetime.

"Concentrate harder Raziel" Master Joro urged.

"I'll try Master" Raziel said calmly.

"There is no try, either you do or you do not" Master Joro said firmly.

Master Joro watched her young apprentice with keen eyes. She watched as the stone pillar, which was roughly twenty feet long quivered slightly and rose into the air. She smiled as it moved through the air and gently placed itself on it's podium at the other end of the meditation area.

"Well done Raziel!" Master Joro applauded.

Raziel got to his feet and looked at the stone pillar. He couldn't believe that he'd moved it, after all it must have weighed at least a ton. Raziel went to Master Joro's side and followed her as they left the meditation area. Raziel gently moved through the crowd of Jedi Knights at his Master's side. Raziel at the human woman. Throughout his time as a Youngling he had admired Master Joro for her skill at using the Force and he had been overjoyed when she chose him as her Padawan. He gently brushed his braid away from his face and followed Master Joro as they headed towards the hangar. They had been assigned a mission that involved negotiating a trade dispute on Dantooine.

Master Joro was taken aback by her Padawans angry outburst. It had also attracted the attention of several Jedi Knights and worst of all, Master Thetan. A rather large Shistavanen and Jedi Grand Master. Master Joro frowned as he made his way over.

"Is there a problem Raziel?" Master Thetan asked.

"Not at all Master, just a lively exchange of opinions" Raziel replied.

"Is this true Master Joro?" Master Thetan inquired.

"Yes Master" Master Joro replied.

<"Do try and keep the boy under control Sif"> Master Thetan whispered to her in Shistavanen as he left.

Master Thetan left the two and Master Joro quickly ushered her Padawan out of the hangar. Raziel was still angry, even more so at Master Thetan's comment to Master Joro. Learning Shistavanen was an optional requirement for Jedi, seeing as Master Thetan often spoke to Masters and Knights in it when in earshot of Padawans and Younglings. Raziel had taken it upon himself to learn it and had picked up on it exceptionally quickly. He was sick of Master Joro constantly trying to control him.

"Raziel, I need to speak with you" Master Joro said calmly.

Raziel stopped and turned around. Master Joro had a stern look on her face. He knew she didn't like it when he embarrassed her in front of other Masters, but Master Thetan was the worst.

"Raziel, I will not go over this exercise with you again. You must control your anger" Master Joro said sternly.

"Sorry Master" Raziel murmured.

"I have to report to the Council about the trade dispute, I may be some time" Master Joro said.

"I understand Master" Raziel replied.

"You may retire to your room until then" Master Joro said.

Raziel sighed and set off for the dormitories. He hated it when Master Joro said it as though it was a request, as though he had a choice. He soon arrived at the dormitories for Padawans. They were roughly 200 rooms within the dormitories, which were accessed through a series of hallways. Raziel walked down into one set of hallways and to his room. He pressed his palm against the touch pad next to the door and it slid open, he entered and turned on the light as the door slid shut behind him. Raziel was glad for the isomorphic controls on the door mechanisms, only allowing the occupant of the room and the occupants Master to open the door, it allowed for satisfactory privacy amongst an otherwise hectic throng of 200 Padawans. He sat down at his workbench and removed his lightsaber from his belt, placing it upon the workbench. It'd been hit by a blaster bolt from one of the farmers and the power cell had been damaged. He gently removed the outer casing from the lower half of the curved hilt and used the Force to remove the damaged and sparking power cell, he then opened a drawer of lightsaber components and retrieved a new power cell, binding it to the power insulator with the Force. He then replaced the casing and hand grip and picked it up. He stood and ignited it. A shimmering emerald blade issued forth and Raziel then assumed a single handed low guard, with the blade angled downward at his side, he then brought it up vertically directly in front of his face and then swung down and made a rapid X in the air.

"Seems to be working perfectly" Raziel thought to himself.

Raziel extinguished the blade and attached it to his belt once more. He decided he'd get some rest before Master Joro summoned him for another mission, he made his way over to his sleep couch and laid down before falling asleep.

Mon Jan 07, 2008 9:17 am

Latios

Pokemon Master

Joined: Sat Oct 23, 2004 10:10 pmPosts: 1090Location: Texas

Wow your a great writer I've always liked the Sith and I used to wish I was a member,lol.

Keep up the good work can't wait for the next :)

Fri Jan 11, 2008 9:33 pm

Ghost Writer

Ace Trainer

Joined: Wed Mar 14, 2007 6:45 pmPosts: 382Location: Searching for the place all the Abra teleport to. I'm going to crash their party.

Good story, except for a few things....

You missed quite a few commas in there. There should be on almost every time you end dialogue.

For Example wrote:

"I understand Master", Raziel replied.

And sometimes there were sentences that needed a comma.

For Example wrote:

"Negotiations are a job for politicians, not Jedi!" Raziel shouted.

Then there were places you used a comma when you should've used something else.

For Example wrote:

Raziel was glad for the isomorphic controls on the door mechanisms, only allowing the occupant of the room and the occupants Master to open the door; it allowed for satisfactory privacy...

And one more thing....

Quote:

200 Padawans

Quote:

200 rooms

AH! NO! You should always type out the number. So, instead of using (shudder) 200, you would use two hundred. A lot of people find it extremely annoying and illiterate.

Actually Ghosty, the general rule is anything one hundred (100) or less should be written out, but that doesn't mean we won't mind seeing the higher numbers written out.

_________________

Link changed to my library.

Sat Jan 12, 2008 7:39 pm

The Obsidian Wolf

Pokemon Master

Joined: Wed Sep 27, 2006 12:03 amPosts: 1559Location: Dragon's Den

That, and typing out 'four thousand two hundred and seventy six' is also tedious to read, let alone type.

I don't know enough about Star Wars to get the whole gist of it, but a lightsaber-weilding guy who uses the force is always a plus. Your writing skills are top notch and I'm enjoying this fic even without the required knowledge of Star Wars.

Master Joro stood rooted to the spot, eventually drawing the gaze of Master Thetan.

"Do you have more to say Master Joro?" Master Thetan asked.

"I do... I nominate Raziel for Knighthood" Master Joro said.

A series of hushed conversations immediately broke out between the Council members. Master Thetan turned to Master Zix, a Verpine Jedi. Master Joro looked around at the Council. A few were muttering in approval but others were not.

"The boy has only been your Padawan for six years!" Master Von, a Togrutan Jedi, exclaimed.

"But he has demonstrated great skill in completing any mission set before him. I think you can all agree that he completed the Trial of Skill when he defeated that Dark Jedi on his home planet of Relus." Master Joro argued.

All of the Council members looked at Master Thetan, who was sat quietly, contemplating.

"I agree with Master Joro. Young Zeraii has shown incredible skill throughout his training and has completed his missions to the highest degree. He shall be a Jedi Knight" Master Thetan decided firmly.

Raziel awoke slowly to the sound of Master Joro's voice. As he opened his eyes he saw her standing over him with a smile on her face.

"Raziel wake up" Master Joro said softly.

Raziel immediately awoke and stood up.

"Do we have another mission Master?" Raziel asked.

"Of sorts, follow me" Master Joro said, leaving his room.

Raziel followed her cautiously as the walked throught the Temple. He eventually caught up to her and followed her as they walked towards the entrance to the Temple Spire.

"So what's the mission Master?" Raziel asked.

"We don't have a mission, technically speaking. Although we do have something very important to do" Master Joro said.

Raziel looked at her with a confused expression as they began to ascend the stairs of the Temple Spire.

"It is time that we left behind the roles of student and master and became one" Master Joro said.

By this time Raziel had realised where they were going and a look of excitement appeared on his face, they continued climbing the stairs until they reached a circular room. In the middle was a circular sleep couch, with just enough room to sit cross legged on. Raziel stepped into the room, which was dimly lit. Master Joro followed him as he sat cross legged.

"For tonight you will meditate and commune with the Force, to prepare yourself" Master Joro instructed.

"Yes Master" Raziel said.

"I will leave you in peace" Master Joro said, locking the door to the room and leaving.

***

Throughout the previous night Raziel had tried to meditate... But he had found himself too restless to do so. Tradition dictated that he would commune with the Force but he had not been able to. He had managed to spend a few hours in complete stillness, concentrating and trying to meditate, but truly waiting for Master Joro to come to take him to the Hall of Knighthood. He didn't have to wait.

Shortly after sunrise, the doors in front of him opened to reveal Master Joro stood in the doorway.

"Come Raziel. It is time" Master Joro said.

Raziel stood up and stepped down from the sleep couch before leaving the room. The pair remained silent as they climbed the stairs to the Hall of Knighthood. As the reached the top of the stairs, the doors opposite opened and Master Joro beckoned Raziel to walk inside. He obeyed and strode forward and into the middle of the darkened hall. As the doors closed the eleven Jedi Council Members ignited their lightsabers and angled them towards the floor.

Raziel looked around, he could see most of the hooded Council members smiling, with the exception of Master Von and Master Kingsley. His attention was soon focused on Grand Master Thetan as he spoke.

"We are all Jedi. The Force speaks through us. Through our actions, the Force proclaims itself and what is real. Today we are here to acknowledge what the Force has proclaimed." Master Thetan boomed.

Master Thetan then turned his focus upon Raziel.

"Step forward, Padawan" Master Thetan said.

Raziel did as he was told and knelt on one knee before Master Thetan.

"Raziel Zeraii, by the right of the Council, by the will of the Force, I dub thee Jedi" Master Thetan said, passing his lightsaber over each of Raziels shoulders before shearing off his Padawan braid with a swift swipe. "Knight of the New Republic"

Raziel slowly stood up before the Council members. He heard the withered voice of Master Lanstell speak up.

"Take up your lightsaber, Raziel Zeraii, Jedi Knight. And may the Force be with you." Master Lanstell said.

The Council members saluted Raziel and the doors behind him opened. He felt pride swell in his chest as the beams of sunlight hit him. He was strong. He was proud. He was a Jedi Knight.

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