A Drunk Joe Biden Rambles Incoherently at White House Picnic

WASHINGTON, DC – Vice President Joe Biden issued a press statement today from his bedroom at the Vice Presidential residence in Washington:

“I want to apologize for my words and actions yesterday at the annual White House Family Picnic. I had a few too many… and from what I’ve been told, may have made several statements that were not appropriate for a family gathering. I want to apologize to former Speaker of the House Pelosi for comments I supposedly made about her. She is a dear friend and the last thing I would ever want to do is embarrass her or her remarkably rich husband. I was told I may have also made a couple of comments about her daughter Alexandra, which if true, I also apologize. I want to apologize to Bo, the presidential dog and to all the wonderful and beautiful children that I may have mocked or fallen on.

“Make no mistake about it, I am a man humbled by my actions. I have already spoken with President Obama and offered my apologies, my regrets and my continued loyalty to him and all those people around him.

“But most importantly, I must apologize to the remarkable people of the United States of America. I have a spot in my heart for each and every one of you. Black, white, Hispanic, Asian… and the rest. Male and female, trans-gender and gay, short and tall, skinny and obese, healthy and diseased….all of you… are my family. I am sorry if I embarrassed any of you.”

Washington insiders told the Daily Rash that the vice president arrived at the picnic early without his wife, Jill. Several sources agree that Biden seemed irritable when he first arrived and were surprised when he began ordering Cosmopolitans.

“It wasn’t even noon yet and I thought it odd that the vice president was drinking a Cosmo,” one guest remarked. “He drank it very fast and when he ordered his next one, he asked the bartender if he might put some vodka in it this time.”

Shelia Carter was serving corn on the cob to guests. She recalled when she first noticed the vice president.

“He was talking way too loud to a group of guys that I didn’t know. They were debating whether Nancy Pelosi had breast implants. It really wasn’t the type of conversation you’d expect to hear from the vice president of the United States. A little boy was standing near-by with a balloon and Biden pointed to him and said, “I guarantee you, when that young man grows up he won’t care if they’re real or fake! Hell, a tit is a tit! And the bigger the better, huh young fella?”

Tawny Doolan roamed the picnic with trays of hors d’oeuvres.

“When I bent over to pick a cup off the ground the vice president yelled out Hello! and howled with laughter. He winked at me and said, ‘just kidding around with ya Honey….but if you bent over any farther I don’t think your shirt could keep those bad boys from bustin’ out!’ Then he handed me his glass and told me to get him another Cosmo.”

Groundskeeper Erik Grandle watched as Biden wrestled with the first family’s dog, Bo.

“I don’t think the vice president was aware that he was hurting the poor dog. He was wrestling around with it and when he put it in a headlock the dog started yelping drawing the attention of many of the kids. When Bo ran away with the kids the vice president sat on the ground grimacing, calling out ‘Bo! Come back here! Come back here you dumb bitch!'”

Sources at the picnic say the vice president was calling Michelle Obama “Shelly” and aggressively demanding that she arm wrestle with him.

“That’s when Secret Service members cajoled him into a waiting limousine,” a White House staffer said. “At that point he was rambling incoherently and the driver said Biden attempted to moon the guests as they drove away, but he couldn’t figure out how to roll the windows of the limo down.”

An hour later, Vice President Biden was caught making prank phone calls to world leaders from the oval office, prompting Secret Service to call President Obama.

The Daily Rash was told President Obama sent Biden to his room and took away his Internet and dessert privileges for two weeks. The vice president had to call and apologize to the world leaders he irritated and he will be walking Bo at six AM every morning for a month. Additionally, until further notice the vice president will not be allowed to view his new boxed set of the television show 24.