Tuesday, May 31, 2005

Well, random thoughts have a way of paving great trenches in the mind.When I went to work one day, it was a comp club meeting day, and so, a halfday. Took Sylvia across the street to the meeting, and as we were going, her husband came out to finish walking her there, and she felt a couple of raindrops, and right in the middle of a conversation, she just says, "Ok, I'll see you tommorow amber, bye!" While doing so, she hits the high gear (well, medium in my opinion, but whatever) and boots it towards the door (she hates getting wet). What made this so funny, is that in order to move that quick, she hasta lean back to get her arm to do the leverage. So, A) she cuts off our conversation, and boots it while leaning back to go faster, so it looks cartoon-like in going super fast.Truck stuff will be over and done with in a week. That new puppy is going back to the pound, but only after dragging 2100 dollars outta me. Fuckers.Whatever...it'll be over and done with, along with that fucknut chapter of my life.Am gonna hafta take a few months to pay whatever else I may have off...buy groceries, buy a few things for the parents. *shrugs*It's kinda funny...Kimmie's been with us for a long time now...I can hardly remember a time without him. It's like he's always been there. I find myself asking, is this what it's supposed to feel like when you have a father?Am making Chance's birthday gift for him this year, I hope he likes it. Will take a bit of effort, but luckily, he's gonna be gone tommorow night as it is Wednesday...so hopefully I'll be able to get the majourity of it done then...then just do little bits here and there.He's asked for outdoor gear this year...Mark's Workwear House gift cards, and Princess Auto gift cards.man, this keyboard is sticky. ;oPWe put our bed back in our room today, and got D's outta storage. Yay. Sucker left me with all of the laundry to put away, and the tidying up to do in there though, cause he left to go help a friend move. *sighs* I hope he gets gas money for it cause with this last kicker for the truck, it's gonna be a bumpy, but better, month.Sylvia's invited me to a church function tommorow, so...yay, some of my workday will have to do with socializing with some older ladies. Hopefully I won't be too tired.

Sunday, May 15, 2005

I think...most days.I'm beginning to wonder if I even have the capability to know what love is. Asides from my son and family members, what is love? What would I define it as? Is my marriage considered love? Am I in love, have I ever been in love, and what exactly does love feel like>I read on the EC newsletter a lot of different descriptions about love, and I'm really beginning to believe that love isn't a feeling that you get, it's a frame of mind or something. It's something that you do, out of respect. I dunno, but after a couple of conversations with a few people, I'm into the knowledge that what I have isn't really love, it's just where I'm at.And someday, I'm gonna grow out of it.

Thursday, May 12, 2005

Well, we decided, after I called off from work, to go thrift shopping today. Went to the Salvation Army, and Helping Hands, and the malls food court for lunch. Then we decided to head home. On our way home, I decided to stop at MTF (Manufacturers Discount Warehouse), cause I still had a couple of things to buy on request.Went wandering in MTF and found some new books for Darius' Story Reader! Yay! It's the only place I've ever seen them. The only place I haven't looked is Toys R Us, which they'd probly be there. So I bought him 2 sets of 3 books, and an Accessories thingy that comes with a Carry Case, a Mic to sing along, and a set of Headphones, and an Adapter. Too cool says me!I'm very happy to blow that money on Darius...I was beginning to think that I'd never find any new books for that thing up here. :oD

Tuesday, May 10, 2005

*sighs*I've been rather blah of late.Am finding it rather difficult to make it through a day.I'm catching mom's cold, but am holding out hope that I may fight it off. We shall see on that front.I got the loan for the money to get out of the truck, from Peace Hills Trust...but now the fucking dealership is yarding my chain and I'm afraid I've begun foaming at the mouth. Got to drop off a nicely nasty letter to them today, and unfortunately I didn't have the opportunity to drop it directly in the asshole's hand (though I don't believe they have one), just had to drop it off as he was out of office.now, I hafta wait 15 days, before I take any other steps. I fucking swear to god, that if I tho ught this shit was gonna go down like this, I would've never bothered getting a loan in the first place, cause now it's really doing me no good.Gaaar!My friend's been having high blood pressure problems, and am rather worried about her seeing as she seems to think that if she just doubles her meds, that the problem will go away. Yeah, ok lady.I've been going out dancing every couple of weeks with a friend of mine, and am planning to go out this Friday. Mary may join us, and would be nice to have a third.Darius has made a couple of new friends down the street. Now we can safely say we've met everyone on our block from our house, down to the end. :o] Only took us 7 years. lolI'm finding it more and more baffling that ppl have had a hard time potty training their children. Honestly, it only took 2 weeks of training with Darius before he got the hang of doing both on the potty. He even like to spend a half hour reading while doing his number 2 business. Just like his daddy. *rolls eyes* At least for him it's educational.Been thinking about what I want to make for Bill and Lorraine. And I don't know whether they have a crib or bassinet. Was hoping to make a bedding set for them, but we shall see. I know I want to make a couple of outfits, one for each size up to 12 months. I know mom's making blankets, that's just a given.One of the fabric stores in town is closing out, and they had some great deals that I wanted to take advantage of. So, I bought some stuff to make my own bathing suit, and to attempt to make my own underwear (seeing as mine just keeps disappearing), and a couple of pieces to make D some light and fun summer clothes.Phew, this is a lot of typing.Got word of Ronnie's departure and arrival date for K-town. Talked to Sylvia about it, and I know it's just not humanly possible to take that much time off straight, but I know she'll do the best she can with what she's got.Yesterday was the first time that I ever quit a job before I ever bothered to start. I found the lady rather unorganized, and kind of demanding. There were a few things she neglected to tell me about at the interview, like first training days. So, when she told me there were 2 extra training days that I had no knowledge of, and wasn't going to be able to take time off for, she started demanding that I call my current employer to get the time off. Yeah, ok lady, your piddly ass 9 dollar an hour job is more important to me than my current 15 dollar an hour job. Okay. See ya. Pfft.*sighs*I think that about catches me up...

Sunday, May 01, 2005

My choices in life, are what I believe, the best to my ability.I married this man, because I wanted a father for my child, not a child who thought that only having one set of grandparents was normal. I wanted someone to care at least half as much about me, as they did the child that they helped to create.I feel like such a failure because I made the choice to get married, ignoring, once again, all the red flags and warning signs that I saw at the outset. Why do I put so much into something that I know will never come back to me?Why do I care so much?Why do I want someone to depend on? I know darned well, that the only person that I can depend on is myself.

About Me

Amber

I am a walking contradiction. I'm honest to a fault, but have learned to filter my thoughts to sting a little less. I'm growing at a glacial pace, and am inviting you to watch. It's about as much fun as watching paint dry, but at least you've got an invitation!