Chasing the dream...at a comfortable pace.

Weekly Bitches: Hand Dryers

January 29, 2014

Putting positivity in its place! But only for a minute. I promise.

To see what the Weekly Bitches are all about, look here. Otherwise, enjoy!

In the history of the world, has a hand dryer ever succeeded at drying a person’s hands to even a reasonable level? I’m not saying I need mine to be on par with what a wind tunnel would do to a commercial jet during aerodynamics testing, however I’d like to be able to use one and then touch the knob of a bathroom door without feeling like I just offered a billion new germs a lift via the perspiration still left on my palms.

It’s weird for me to even write this because the last thing I am is a germ freak. On the contrary, I’m kind of disgusting in general. I don’t have a five second rule or a ten second rule or a two hour rule for dropping food. If it didn’t land in something obviously horrible, I’ll eat it. Same goes for silver wear. I never understand how worked up people get when a fork falls off the table. I’m not going to delay dinner by flagging down a waiter when I have a perfectly good napkin sitting next to me to wipe it off with. And honestly, you would be horrified by some of the things you see me do in the bathroom. In fact, I never used to wash my hands at all. The way I saw it, I wasn’t touching anything that would require a hosing down afterwards. I touched the toilet paper and the toilet paper touched me. Simple enough. The only times I would ever wash my hands before was if I miscalculated my approach and some moisture made its way through or maybe in a public place where the shame of walking out the door without rinsing off was too overwhelming. Which wasn’t often, because in most situations, I have little to no shame.

So why all the fuss about hand dryers now? Well five years ago I became an esthetician and learned all about the funky stuff that crawls up underneath your fingernails and the bacteria that can burrow below your skin. I wouldn’t say I was panicked about it but these new colorful descriptions of the wretched things that were residing on every touchable surface was enough to make me think maybe a dab of hand sanitizer once in a while wouldn’t be such a waste of time. So I committed to washing my hands in the bathroom.

The one thing that’s driven me nuts since however, are these ridiculous hand dryers. If I’m going to all the trouble of clearing myself of contamination, I’d like to be able to remain that way for at least the ten minutes it takes me to do something gross outside of the bathroom. P.S. I don’t know why I think that dry hands are less likely to attract antibodies than wet hands but there’s just something uncomfortable about leaving a restroom while still soggy.

Solution

I was convinced that the Dyson Airblade (Airblade btw? Can I use this thing or is it for Navy Seals and NASA only?) would be the answer to my prayers but alas, there was nothing magical about it like I had anticipated. I was picturing a futuristic type experience, like one you might see in Total Recall, where I would dip my hands inside the scallop shaped aperture hand receptacle and the very fibers of my being would transform from wet to dry but the only difference between this and any other machine was the ferocity of the fan. Sadly, the results were the same.

And of course, when they’re available, I suppose I could use paper towels but I’m someone who’s always thinking about how to cut down on waste and I feel like that’s what the whole hand dryer option is about to begin with. So why use paper when given the option not to?

All of this has left me with basically one solution. Waving my hands around like a lunatic for ten seconds and then wiping what water is left back and forth on my butt before walking out the door. No towels tainted and the energy it takes to operate a useless drying mechanism spared. So until someone can come up with a hand dryer that does more than decorate the bathroom wall, I’ll have to live with hands that are only as clean as the last time they touched my ass.

Until next week, cheers! And if you’d like to leave a bitch you can link it here below.

LOl the dyson dryers are very good – you just have to be patient and let it do its job girlie – the older ones (the first photo you have) SUCK and definitely left the hands soggy forcing me to reach for paper towels and further add to the detriment of our environment. It’s ok though, my hands would be dry 😛 Happy Hump Day Kelly! -Iva

http://www.therheeldaze.com/ RheelDaze

Iva, I’ve been told by a couple of people that I’m not giving the Dyson enough of a chance. Maybe I need to do some more extensive research but I do remember being wet between my fingers last time I tried! I trust you though. I’m not known for my patience so if I see one in the future, I’ll give it a go and think of you when I’m ultimately wiping my hands on my bum

Awesomely Over-Zealous

LOL go right ahead and think of me and when you’re at the next dyson dryer remember: SPIRIT FINGERS! That’ll get em’ dry 😉

George

I decided long ago instead of washing my hands every time I take
leak, I will wash my dick in the shower every morning so it is clean.

http://www.therheeldaze.com/ RheelDaze

That’s a solid move. Maybe I should give that a shot every so often.

http://www.diariesofanessexgirl.com/ Kate Hall

When I first saw one of these new hand dryers I was amazed but you’re right, they are still crappy.

http://www.therheeldaze.com/ RheelDaze

I still have water in between my fingers!

JanaStopMe

Your hands don’t have to be wet – that’s what they invented shirts and pants for. I’ve perfected the fine art of patting my hands dry in various places on my clothes so there isn’t an obvious wet spot. It’s a good skill to have!

http://www.therheeldaze.com/ RheelDaze

This is what I’m learning! It seems as though I’m carrying a vital drying system on me at all times.