Friday, December 15, 2006

Anchorage International Airport - Late this evening I received word via the UAA Hockey Fan Blog Hotline (1-800-Seawolf) that a small group of highly trained UAA student insurgents was boarding a red eye flight for Houston, Texas after being hoaxed into believing that the Seawolves were holding open tryouts at the Sullivan Arena yesterday. Luckily, I live only minutes from the airport, so I jumped into my '71 Nova to investigate this potentially alarming situation. After negotiating with the Homeland Security folks (UAA fans) I was granted special dispensation to enter the concourse area even though I'm not a ticketed passenger. I'm posting now from the airport as the Alaska Airlines (sponsor of the annual Governor's Cup series between UAA and UAF) 767 pulls away from the gate at 1:55AM. I regret to inform LetsGoDU readers that I was unable to dissuade this group of 7 UAA special forces students (6 males - 1 female) from their fervently held belief that they have no choice but to take on this (as they described it) "search and destroy" mission. The following is my brief interview with the leader of these hockey inspired insurgents:

UAA Blog (hereafter prefixed as "Me"): What's this all about?Cabal Leader (hereafter prefixed as "CL"): (a clean cut young man about 6'3" wearing Doc Martin's from the 80's) Me and the guys went down to the Sully to offer our hockey services as advertised on your blog (I'd been forced to apologize dozens of times in order to get this interview) and only found out then it was all bullshit. We had all our gear with us except for (name deleted) who stopped by Champions Choice and plunked down 400 bucks for a new pair of CCM Vector Pros.Me: You didn't realize that DG was a BS artist? 400? BTW .. I saw a pair on the 'net for $349.00.CL: Hey dude, we saw we were needed. We all played in High School up here. (name deleted) and (name deleted) played a couple of years in the USHL and I played in the "B" (BCHL) until my knee blew out. It wasn't until we got back to the dorm that we read the comments section. That's when we really got pissed. And it's not like (name deleted) had time to wait for delivery ... he needed the skates ... at least we thought he did.Me: So what? You're gonna go down to Houston and ...?CL: Well ... we heard this guy is some sort of rocket scientist ... (crude laughing commentary about DG's grammar deleted) ... or something. We figure he can't be too hard to track down.Me: And then what? If you find him? What are you going to do?CL: (with a scary evil grin) Teach him a lesson.Me: Um ... a lesson? What kind of lesson?CL: What kind of lesson do you think? This cat made us piss away our Thursday evening running down to the Sully and curiste ... (name deleted) bought a new pair of skates. We're gonna educate him.Me: But aren't you spending a ton of money on airfare and expenses to do this?CL: We've got backing.Me: You mean someone is funding this op? Who?CL: Let's just say there's an organization. They support UAA Hockey and they're backing us.Me: An "organization"? Like who? The UAA Blueliner Booster Club?CL: Puhlease ... (looks away uncomfortably)Me: Then who?CL: I'm not at liberty to divulge that information. It's need to know only and you don't need to know.Me: (pretending to be Geraldo) Hey ... my readers have a right to know the truth.CL: (several minutes of uncomfortable silence) ... Hey (name deleted) you won't be needing your skates in Houston. Ask Donald if he'll hold onto 'em for ya. (I agree to hold the skates and it seems to comfort this determined UAA student). Who is financing this op doesn't matter. We're on the plane in 20 minutes and we're righteously indignant. This DG guy will feel our wrath. We will not rest until our work is done.Me: Why is that young woman dressed in a Toga?CL: Let's just say we've done some research and we're including whatever tactics we need in order to make this mission a success.Me: Hey ... I didn't know they had a Cinnabon's here.

At this point the Cabal becomes distracted for several minutes while they argue about whether to get the Caramel Pecan Bon or the Cinnabon Stix. The young woman in the toga just orders a Chillattas. While they're all making their snack choices I managed to peak into the Cabal Leader's carryon and find the weapon they've smuggled past Homeland Security. I quickly zip the duffle closed and try to sit there looking innocent.

CL: Don't you want a Bon?Me: No thanks. I just had a turkey sandwich (man ... that was a smooth lie!) One last question before you board the plane?CL: Sure ...Me: Isn't the 4th Edition of the MLA Handbook For Writing outdated? Do you really think that will be enough to teach DG a lesson?CL: Any edition of the MLA Handbook will do the trick with that DG guy. He wrote "can not of". You really think we need the "latest" edition to teach him a lesson. Curiste ... we could have a 1st edition paperback version and that would be enough to penetrate his skull and besides do you think that's the only English usage rulebook we're taking? We're well prepared....(a look of sudden insight comes across his face) Hey ... you looked in my ammo bag didn't you?

With surprising quickness I vaulted over two sets of those horrid waiting area seats just as the first boarding call is announced and I'm out of sight. I hear CL yelling something to me about causing this with my stupid "blog swap" idea and I feel guilty (but only for a moment).

I'm posting this with great peril of personal bodily harm that could come to me. I know the Cabal didn't want word to get out but only the determined journalist gets the good story. Best of luck ... DG. I think I'll keep the CCM's ... they're sweet.

6 comments:

Its too bad the UAA students who showed up at the "tryout" didn't call the UAA Fan Blog "hotline" (1-800-DUMBASS).

I think Champion's Choice has a 30 day no questions asked return policy.

So I'm to understand that seven UAA students are missing the series against Denver because they're looking for me? That means I wiped out half the UAA student section. Denver will win for sure.

Tell the "UAA Insurgents" to begin their search on the first teebox at Augusta Pines on Saturday morning (its close to the airport). Look for the guy wearing a "Seawolfs Suck" polo. They better be packing more than a golf club or they'll get their ass kicked. :-)