knocked up

Every Teenager Everywhere Is Pregnant

Oh BLAST YOU, Center for Disease Control! You issue these fancy figures about rising teen birth rates, knowing full well that the only thing Americans find more interesting than celebrities getting buried alive in coffins of cow eyeballs is the thought of teenagers fucking each other. So everybody gets excited at all the hot teen sexx happening, right now, furtively, in walk-in closets and wood-paneled basements across the United States, and then it turns out that these exciting statistics are from 2006.

That is not really the CDC’s fault, it’s the most recent data they have, but STILL. It completely ruins our hypothesis that teenagers are getting knocked up because sexytime is the cheapest form of fun a youngster can attain in our New Depression. But along those lines, here is what one Sexpert had to say about the surge in teen birth rates:

Michael Carrera, the director of Adolescent Pregnancy Programs at the Children’s Aid Foundation in New York City, blamed economic stagnation among low-income families, which, he said, led to indifference about contraception.

“It is one thing to know about contraception, but to want to use it, you must also have knowledge of a good life,” he said.

‘Janice Crouse, the executive director of the Beverly LaHaye Institute, an alliance of conservative women, faulted an atmosphere of sexual tolerance, especially on campuses, where teens are “under the influence of peers, and under pressure to drink.

“College counselors see a very close connection between all the sexual activity and alcohol.”‘

Obviously, the lack of colleges in New England accounts for that region’s low pregancy rate.

This is simply economics. Who doesn’t want to get pregnant and get a $300k photo deal for your baby. That’s the going rate, right*?
*I’ve also heard you get paid more if your mom gets busted for having a meth lab or something.

So I’m unclear….does this mean we increase funding in abstinence only education or do we just start telling kids their naughty bits will rot off if it touches another naughty bit without a special ring on your finger? Or do we just start banishing these girls to a nunnery? Perhaps St. Anne’s Nunnery for Knocked Up Teenage Sluts?

ATLANTA – Mississippi now has the nation’s highest teen pregnancy rate, displacing Texas and New Mexico for that lamentable title, according to a new federal report released Wednesday.

Mississippi’s rate was more than 60 percent higher than the national average in 2006, the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention said. The teen pregnancy rate in Texas and New Mexico was more than 50 percent higher…

…Some experts have blamed the national increase on increased federal funding for abstinence-only health education that does not teach teens how to use condoms and other contraception. They said that would explain why teen birth rate increases have been detected across much of the country and not just in a few spots.

There is debate about that, however. Some conservative organizations have argued that contraceptive-focused sex education is still common, and that the new teen birth numbers reflect it is failing.

Yeah, sure, a bunch of Satanic “medical” types thinks it might have to do with contraception and not telling kids enough about Bible stories in which God kills unbelievers.

But “some conservative organizations” know better, and some of ’em even took off ‘er belt and snapped it real hard while winking at the interviewer and sayin’ “If’n you know whut I mean.”

[re=211596]friendlynerd[/re]: It’s much simpler than that. Southern kids are kept ignorant about a lot of things, including birth control, and that means they’re train wrecks waiting to happen.

Before Dr. Dobson went completely off the deep end and sold his soul to the Republicans, he made a very cogent observation. There is a difference between raising an innocent child and raising a virtuous child. An innocent child is basically ignorant and therefore lacks the knowledge to make good choices. A virtuous child OTOH has been given the mental and emotional tools to evaluate outcomes.

Whatever, safe sex is boring and elitist. It’s all Priuses, lattes and condoms with you libtards. STFU and go knock up a teenage girl like a Real American. Then name that baby Sarah Palin so it will hate you forever and get knocked up at 13.

in the uneven bed of gravel that provides the blanket on which the trailers of our park rested, the neighbor’s pitbulls, Sombitch and Helena, would have rough and surprisingly loud sex antics in the swirling dust. in a palovian square dance of hornedness, cans of pabst were abandoned, and the screen doors were closed.

[re=211636]glamourdammerung[/re]: Have you looked at that blog today? They’re flipping out. That was sofa king strange yesterday. Who are those people? Boy am I glad I don’t have some nutty aunt or sister or cousin or whatever that acts like that.

[re=211599]SayItWithWookies[/re]: That makes sense. People who are funded off the proceeds of unimaginative fantasy stories for close-minded, superstitious illiterates have a vested interest in slagging higher education.

Of course, per the always affable Ms(r?) Coulter this AM, they’re all libruls and leftys, (brown skinned ones), that are “single mothers”, deftly sidestepping the “Conservative of the Year’s” own unwed mother of a daughter…Oh! The hypocrisy!

[re=211640]Kev-O-Tron[/re]: I just glanced over some nonsense about how everyone is sexist for not voting for Palin and Clinton. Of course, they are not sexist for insisting everyone should have voted for horrible candidates for the sole reason of their gender. Apparently, the irony of their stance is completely lost on them.

Planned Parenthood anyone? They don’t just do abortions. They have all these lovely programs such as free physicals and counseling. Plus they hand out condoms and lube like like it’s going outta style.

[re=211643]AngryBlakGuy[/re]: I kind of thought it would be like putting your junk up against the vendor machines all the banks that have not gone out of business yet had and getting little L Camino Meth Binge Palin sucked right up those tubes.

[re=211598]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: I was thinking about you when I heard that story last weekend. That’s a huge bummer. The thought of a bunch of cops digging through 60 tons of garbage to find the body is pretty revolting.

Can someone superimpose a map of the red/blue states on a map of the states with the highest teen preggers rates so we can truly see the ironic correlation between supporting abstinence only and being a douchebag?

[re=211652]lenorecutie[/re]: Free exams? You must use a better funded one. Of all the PPs I’ve known, you’re lucky to access a sliding scale clinic. And even sliding scale prices have had to increase over the past 8 years because of the awful drops in funding. Thanks, Bush administration! They hit us on many sides and left us unprotected.

Teenagers having sex is exciting, but here (in France) the minister of justice, who is single and very attractive, just gave birth and she won’t tell who the father is. Needless to say, this is titillating the jornos into a frenzy.

[re=211640]Kev-O-Tron[/re]: Have you looked at that blog today? They’re flipping out.

I went over after wasting 3 hours of my morning laughing so hard at yesterday’s 700+300 posts. I had to post something because 1.) One of them asked if anyone knew what a “Speak and Spell” was, and 2) they thought the post with the quote from “Animal House” was a real threat against one of them.

My husband hates all of you because now none of my domestic work will get done today and dinner wont be on the table at 6.

Why not get your girlfriend preganant, drop out of school, and work in your mom’s drug dealing business? You might have a shot at moving into the White House, where you can walk around shirtless and high at all times while the taxpayers feed your baby.

[re=211678]spontaneousabortion[/re]: Plus Planned Parenthood is like crazy protester central. I used to have to walk by one everyday on my way to work. I wanted to smack somebody upside the head with their Bible. But I resisted the urge.

[re=211620]pondscum[/re]: They don’t WANT a child, they want better sex. Condom technology has improved over the years but it still numbs the feeling somewhat. They can’t imagine a better life but they can imagine better sex, so they go for the better sex.

[re=211662]Kev-O-Tron[/re]: Yay, my old neighborhood too. Several times in my youth I’d been in the house where the grisly festivities took place. My friend Jimmy’s older brother, semi-crazy and back from Vietnam with his war bride used to live there, and we’d hang out and ‘help’ older brother work on his project car. I’d probably peed in the murder weapon, so to speak, at one point.

All the weird murders in my town seem to happen in my old nabe, which is actually one of the best in town. Well kept yards with mature trees, high concentration of churches, etc.

First thing, kill all the statisticians. Cuz I’m sick of hearing their misuse/abuse/total incomprehension of how “cause and effect” actually works.

Study after study comes out showing that where there are teens, there is often also drugs, sex and alcohol. So we get endless conversations about whether it’s the drugs that cause the sex, which leads to alcohol, or is it the alcohol, which leads to sex and drugs?

Or, is it the fact that all teenagers, as every last one of us can attest from experience, are horny manic depressive little bastards with no impulse control, a natural state which inevitably leads to drugs, sex and alcohol! Teenagers were why all 3 were invented! Heck, they were probably invented BY teenagers! Brave little Homo Erectus teens sacrificing their all so we could someday learn to par-tay!

[re=211595]Tommy Says Soooo[/re]: Wouldn’t it be better to be farsighted? I mean assuming you don’t want to clearly see said PUMA during the act of sex, which is, by definition, intimate? Hey, are you one of those young stupid adolescents who makes fun of sagging tits??

[re=211620]pondscum[/re]: Misery loves company. I think some teens just don’t give a crap, even though they know on some level that their already wretched lives will simply become more wretched after having a child. Other may even invite the drama, because, like doing drugs, at least it adds a little excitement into their lives and provides a break from the dreary monotony of being poor and stupid.

Oh, and about a month ago I read a comprehensive study showing that there did appear to be a correlation between increased teen pregnancy rates and decreased funding for comprehensive sex education (in favor of abstinence only ed, or no ed at all). So, any parent who thinks that a promise ring will keep their 16 year old daughter’s vag shut tight, you best invest in a crap load of huggys. Do it soon, while your money is still worth something – otherwise you’ll probably have to sell a kidney for a month’s supply.