#30 Nicolas Cage

Species Name: Frivolousius Overpaidicus

For those who don’t know, Nicolas Cage is in dire financial trouble. Cage owes over $6.2 million to the IRS in back taxes. And go figure, he’s using his Jewish financial manager as the scapegoat for his money woes. When in doubt, blame the Jews, eh Nic? Maybe if you weren’t so busy buying castles and dinosaur fossils, you wouldn’t be in this fucking mess you no talent cheese dick. This piece of shit has been making an estimated $20 million a movie for the last decade to use crappy accents, over-the-top hand gestures, and be one of the Razzies top punching bags during that time period. I want to know who looked at this guy’s ugly mug and said, “We’re going to make this guy a fucking action star!”:

Nicolas, you dumb bastard, you had everything handed to you on a silver platter, being Coppola’s nephew, getting cast in parts you were definitely not qualified to play and getting handsomely compensated for it. But no, you had to spend your money like a goddamn fool, and try to pull a fast one on the IRS, thinking they wouldn’t notice? This isn’t your financial managers fault you turd burglar, it’s your own damn fault, and I’m sick and tired of your face appearing in every single fucking big budget blockbuster. I would love to imagine a world where Nicolas Cage didn’t exist to chew the fuck out of the scenery in every one of his movies.

These clips should speak volumes about why Nicolas Cage should be thinned from the herd for not only being unable to manage his millions properly but for causing egregious crimes against actual acting:

– Sorry Nic, not even your mullet can’t save you in what would have been a tolerant movie had you not been in it.

– Even Nic can’t stand to watch himself act in The Wicker Man.

– Nic, you don’t have to overact to be creepy like you do here in Deadfall, you’re plenty creepy normally.

– I need to find someone to punch in the face right now after watching that montage of absolute fucking shit.

– Even that terrible CGI isn’t as bad as Nic’s performance in NEXT.

– Hearing Cage talk about his role in Bangkok Dangerous makes me a little sad, because clearly he is oblivious to just how terrible he is in that movie.

– Can I throw an anvil at you?

Hopefully this shitastic array of Nicolas Cage’s “art” will have convinced you that this jerkoff deserves to be broke. If that doesn’t convince you, maybe the fact that he owns over a dozen houses, two islands, a dinosaur skull that he paid $276,000 for, at least 50 cars and a collection of, and I shit you not, shrunken heads! Fucking A man, have some goddamn self control would ya? This guy has squandered away his golden opportunity and deserves exactly what is coming to him. Unfortunately, A-List Hollywood actors rarely have to face the music for their crimes, so expect to see Ghost Rider 2, coming to a theater near you sometime soon, and if we’re lucky, maybe this dipshit could win another Oscar.