Tim Grobaty: Sarcasm is a fragile thing when it comes to politics

WE WERE BEING SARCASTIC!: Wow. We wrapped up our yearlong presidential election coverage on Tuesday with a column about how we were all of a sudden backing Mitt Romney, and the response was breathtaking in its scope of how it was deciphered by some of our more credulous but cherished readers. God bless you all, and God bless America.

Sarcasm is a fragile thing, and our attempt at the ethereal form was stomped on like a groom's glass at a Jewish wedding by some readers.

We thought that Reason No. 4 for why we switched to Romney, "We got hit really hard on the side of the head with a snow shovel," would introduce enough slapstick to give a hint that we were sort of tongue-in-cheeking the thing, but apparently we needed more warning stickers.

A few Romney Republicans thanked us and the newspaper for backing their man. And some Obama Democrats excoriated us for single-handedly sabotaging their man's effort. One such fellow suggested we'd be comfortable wearing a white sheet for some reason.

In a letter to the editor, David Freeman of Long Beach wrote, "There may be good reasons to vote for Romney as he is a decent man, but this list is mostly lies. Appears Grobaty did learn the GOP way of just LIE and our feeble-minded public might be swayed."

Sigh. Somebody hand us a snow shovel.

THE END OF BICKERING: We feel so empty now. We still maintain that people we think are wrong are wrong, because they are. And it still enrages us that people think we're wrong, because, clearly, we're right.

But the first Tuesday of November in 2012 has finally come and gone and the country has suddenly been stripped of its chief topic of debate over the past three years.

Obviously, we'll always have politics, but it's no fun without the Election Day jackpot to more or less settle things for a while.

The 2016 campaign doesn't begin until shortly after Valentine's Day 2013, so what are all of us ultraknowledgeable debaters to do until then?

Here are some topics you can bring up when things get dull at Thanksgiving, or just if you feel like bickering with someone in these debating dog days between now and when Hillary Clinton announces her candidacy.

1. USC-Notre Dame. This topic doesn't have legs, but it's good between now and Nov. 24 when the two sworn enemies clash, with both having great teams this season. Our beloved father-in-law Charles V. Carroll played hockey at Notre Dame. We're going with our Holy Mother Church because, for the second day in a row, we know which side our bread is buttered on. Plus, only whackos root for USC.

2. Which syllable should be stressed in Knott's Berry Farm? Too many morons put the emphasis on the word "farm." You're supposed to put it on "berry." Knott's BERRY Farm, because the berry part is the weird part, not the fact that it's a farm. Use your head.

3. Which came first, the chicken or the egg? Don't be a dunce. By any measure, the chicken came first. Even science-scoffing creationists know that God created all the animals, not a bunch of animals except, in the case of the chicken, an egg. An egg can't hatch without a chicken sitting on it, so the chicken came first. You say egg, you're wrong.

4. Best rock guitar solo ever. You're going with something by Clapton? That's something Sean Hannity would pick. Try knocking the stupid out of your ears and listen to Ry Cooder's solo on "Jesus on the Mainline." The Rev. Al Sharpton will back us up on that.