Drew Magary

It's cold outside today, unless you're one of those insufferable L.A. people who are like IT'S SUNNY AND 70 HERE IN DOUCHE HEAVEN, BABY! Anyway, I had to venture out into the WINDSWEPT MOONSCAPE today, and it was imperative to cover both my neck and the lower half of my face. This is the Scarf Zone, the vulnerable part of your body that jackets and hats fail to cover adequately. If you leave the Scarf Zone uncovered, the cold will call a Double A gap blitz and make you feel as if you're on the set of The Thing. So I wore a scarf to protect my Scarf Zone, only to remember within minutes that SCARVES ARE FUCKING AWFUL.

I don't know how anyone tolerates wearing a scarf for more than three minutes. That's all the time I need to feel like some kind of woolen snake is trying to choke the life out of me. Wearing a scarf is like giving yourself an allergic reaction. OH GOD SO ITCHY GAHHHHHHHH! I'm sure there are any number of $5,000 Hermes scarves made from 8,000-count Egyptian cotton hand-picked by Fair Trade workers that will protect you from the cold while gently massaging your thymus gland. But I can't afford that shit. The average scarf is designed to slowly kill you with discomfort. The temperature drops, and suddenly my old lady is like, "Here, wrap this turban around your neck." The ends of it flap around everywhere, like a necktie on steroids. It has NO snot-wicking capabilities. And it makes me look like I walked on to the set of a Bright Eyes video. The people at BIG SCARF want you to think that a scarf looks sophisticated, even whimsical (I think we all remember the great rainbow scarf craze of the early 2000s). But they're not THAT special. Unless you're at the Yale Club's cocktail hour, no one gives a shit about your scarf.

The reason that scarves have persisted over the years is because they're easy to knit. The first thing any rookie knitter whips up is a scarf because it's just a straight line of cloth. Then they give it to you, and you have to wear that shit because it's a special, magical, homemade scarf, and you don't wanna hurt their feelings. That's how scarves have lasted so long. There has to be a better way. When I was a kid, we had this thing called the masque that you could strap to your face. It was made of neoprene, and there were little holes at the mouth for you to drool out of. This thing kept you warm AND made you feel like a cannibalistic robot alien. We need more alternatives like this. We need jackets with full-head ski-mask hoods, or some kind of cold-defying neck balm. Something ... ANYTHING ... to help you avoid wearing that shitty orange scarf that your first girlfriend made for you. Scarves are terrible.