Category: ego

Externally it may not have looked like it. But internally, a lot was moving.

Before I left I wasn’t feeling excited about it. In fact, I could’ve easily not gone. But that wasn’t an option, there were things to do and people to see, I was going.

I wrote a Facebook post here, as I was waiting at Queenstown Airport. Sharing my thoughts about how I feel Airports create a definitive ending and beginning. Well this trip didn’t disappoint.

I had an amazing time in Sydney. I hired a Van, kitted out with everything. They even upgraded me, so to my surprise I had a gas cook top, all the cookware, a kitchen sink with running water and even a fridge! The bench seats expanded out into a huge bed, and there were curtains around the whole van, which created such privacy – I felt safe and contained wherever I went.

It was such a convenience having this van. It enabled me to go where I wanted and sleep there also – I highly recommend it as a form of travel. Check out hippie campers should it call you.

I found myself in South Curl Curl for a number of nights. It was where a number of my friends were close to, and it was next to my old local hood. It made sense and it felt comfortable for me to be back there, not to mention the beach was nearby.

Even so, being back on familiar land, upon going to sleep, I still need to introduce myself to the land, the native or local spirits and let them know I was there for a night or two. I don’t know you about you, but when I sleep somewhere new, I am often greeted by the curiosity of local energies – poking and proding me to test who I am and what business I have being on their land.

My trip continues, a dear friends wedding, a trip to the Blue Mountains to deal with stuff I left behind, visits to more dear friends, ocean swimming, coastal walks, catching up on life and times that seem to past in the blink of an eye. I was enjoying myself, but could feel a discomfort and sadness making herself known.

Fast forward, when I returned back to New Zealand. That deep sadness had crept in. From the moment I landed at Queenstown Airport, I could feel my tears behind my eyes. I was feeling very on my own. No messages to greet me home. A billion questions from customs. 7 degrees. No one to pick me up. No bus for the next half hour. No biggie usually, but everything was triggering my sadness. I sat at the cold bus stop and cried.

For the rest of that evening and the next day, oddly – it felt like none of my friends were available. Everyone was busy, everyone doing life in their own way. I felt alone, unsupported and very very emotional.

What I came to understand, is that whilst in Sydney. I tapped back into that old Heidi. The old version of myself that lived and existed in there. The single gal, independent, the can do anything attitude, the one who lived her days in her own world doing her own thing. Between this time in Sydney – until these days in QT – I’ve grown into a new version of myself. I’d like to think, one with a lot more meaning, depth and compassion.

My sadness was a shedding of this old self. Like a snake would shed its skin (funny now I am remembering my snake dreams before leaving NZ). I was experiencing the old me, from the current me’s perspective. She was a smaller version of myself. Feeling so alone, disconnected and small in comparison.

I continued to sit in the discomfort of what I was feeling, and uncomfortable it was. There have been no shortage of tears these past days. In fact I had such a powerful crying session the other day, it required a nap afterwards.

I’ve been feeling discomfort in social situations, discomfort with my own presence. An energy in my body that I couldn’t shift or shake no matter my acknowledgement. This needed a natural evolution of release that takes it’s time as per nature’s way.

Yesterday, Tuesday, Angelo and I went for a hike up Wye Creek – a particularly powerful area. Filled with spirit and life. The depth here palpable and undeniable.

We ventured to our own areas near the waterfall, with the intention of doing some Wim Hof breathing and cold immersion. I wasn’t brave enough for the cold immersion – but I dove into my breathing. I burped, spat, yawned, shook and purged so much energy my mind couldn’t fathom what was happening. All I know is, I was releasing and shedding what I no longer needed.

When I go through these seemingly crazy releases, I often think of a few things. How our bodies are innately wise, how our ego’s have the ability, through conditioning, to shield or block us from connection, how nature is there to be our constant teacher.

In summary – I’ve been through/am completing yet another Death cycle. After reading Women Who Run with Wolves – Hunting: When the Heart Is a Lonely Hunter – my attention is brought to Skeleton Woman: Life/Dealth/Life Nature of Love Cycles. I am so wildly fascinated by her.

In this context within this story, Clarissa writes;

“In order to create this enduring love, one invites a third partner to the union. The third partner is Skeleton Woman. She is also called Lady Death, and as such, she is the Life/Death/Life nature in one of her many guises. In this form, Lady Death is not a disease, but a diety.
In a relationship she has the role of the oracle who knows when it is time for ycesl to begin and end. As such, she is the wildish aspect of the relationship, the one of whom men are most terrified… and sometimes woman also, for when faith in the transformative has been lost, the natural cycles of increase and attrition are feared as well.”

In essence, what I understand is, that in order to experience life and love relationships to their fullest, all parties need to embrace the Death Cycle in their sphere. Without it, life is void of meaning and remains surface level without fulfillment or satisfaction.

It is not an easy or comfortable thing to face death head on. I believe if we did still as a society we wouldn’t have the sickness that we see. People would live more balanced satisfied lives in all facets. Love, Relationships, Health, Work, Sex, Family… but sadly it is a forgotten way or feared way.

A part of me died upon returning home to New Zealand. A part of my psyche, an old way of being that was no longer serving me in the world, in the life I want to create, and so in letting her go, I needed to grieve a loss. I needed to purge her on an emotional, mental & spiritual level.

It is time to reawaken our ways of being, of innate connection with our land and the nature Life/Death/Life nature cycles.

If you’re interesting in exploring this topic more deeply, connect with me;
Join the Be Your Own Guru Community here
Chat with Heidi here

Language is powerful, words can change your life. They have the capacity to tear a person down, or build them up.

Words illustrate how someone feels about them self, their beliefs in life, their fears, conditioning, patterns that play out, just to name a few.

Here are 3 examples from a sea of many;

1. TRY (in the context of a commitment to a task or goal)
I consider the word try, to be a swear word – actually that’s really just something I heard elsewhere, but it stuck. If someone says they will ‘try’ to do xyz, be sure that they are not 100% committed to the outcome.
There is either CAN or CANNOT – there is no try. Try is a cop out of a word that means you don’t have the integrity to say yes or no and own your commitment completely.
Notice WHY you might not want to commit to a solid CAN or CANNOT. Build your integrity by communicating any resistance you might have.

2. SORRY
The word sorry, usually learnt through conditioning. Have you noticed how often you say sorry? Why do you say it, and do you really mean it.
It is way over used and used far to inappropriately.
Dig a little further and ask WHY you or others use it. The initial answer may be ‘I don’t know’, but dig behind that.
Often it can represent a fear we have for getting in the way or feeling like we aren’t enough.
Challenge yourself to not say it when you usually would. What comes up for you?

3. Think vs Feel
When listening to your response, or another’s response to a question or conversation. Note whether you say “I think, or I feel” as the starting sentence. When we say Think – it usually means our answer comes from the head with something we already know or think we know. When we say Feel – it usually means our answer has come from within our heart or body.
Depending on the context of the conversation – our response can denote where our answer has come from and the potential truth of it. Our bodies never lie. Our heads are pretty practiced at it.

Neither is right or wrong, just all lessons to enhance our listening skills and be open exploration.

For further tools to support exploration of your words and thoughts, read Transform Your Thoughts, Transform Your Life available here.

Living in Bali is a common conversation topic had frequently amongst friends. We often share similar themes for living on this magical island of the gods.

There are however exceptions to these themes, as there are different pockets of people who live here. All of which will experience Bali in their own magical way. But these themes appear to be the generic topics I experience with my network.

Perhaps I’ll break it down;

1. You come to Bali to heal, for your own personal journey

It’s not called the island of the gods for nothing. There is a palpable energy here that is felt by all, and if you don’t consciously feel it, you will on a deeper subconscious level.

Ubud, Bali is an epicenter for healing. From Yoga, to Meditation, to Traditional Balinese Healers, Gong Sessions, Sound Therapy, Massage, Water Temples, Ecstatic Dance Parties, to sitting in silence at a silent retreat. Bali has an abundance of modalities to welcome all spiritual seekers back to their truth.Whether we know this is why we are here or not, there is a reason why people come to Bali.

I personally believe that many of us are lost, working to find our way back home, the home within ourselves. We’ve lost connection with our land, our people, our tribe. Sure we call it backpacking or holidaying, I feel we are lost and trying to find our way home in some way. Bali facilitates that. With its wild nature, and beautiful heart-centered people, it shows us a simpler way of living. Bali brings us back to ourselves gently, or not so gently depending upon how you receive her guidance.

Now this one I am speaking for myself and some of my friends who share the same story. This isn’t everyone’s truth and I’m aware that I don’t wish for this to become my truth, but it is mega interesting that many people struggle here.

For one, working here is illegal, so jobs are few, and working online can be limited. Many digital nomads set themselves up in co-working spaces. That’s one pocket of individuals I’m not tapped into. I did think I was going to go down this road, and 9 months ago signed up to an online Digital Marketing company. I was determined and positive that this was aligned to me and what I was bringing into the world, but as I got deeper and deeper into the online lessons, I learnt that it moved me further and further away from my values and what I wanted to bring to the world.

There are many layers of conditioning that I’ve needed to disassemble to teach me I can do the work I value in the world, and make money. This is a whole topic unto itself I could write a separate blog on.I’ve had to learn to shift from a fear based way of living, into a heart centered. In the West we have our jobs, our 9-5, our salary and benefits. These are great and supportive and enable us to build the lives we have, BUT, are these jobs 100% the creation of ours souls desire? Chances are if you were to break it down, it likely wouldn’t be. You might find it to be the cultivation of your fears, driving you to the creation of the cushy supportive job that gives you the run off of stuff and things that makes you feel a certain way. This isn’t bad or wrong, it’s just conditioning. Until we begin to question, we only know what we only know.

I’ve had to face the harsh discomfort of having nothing. No money, no stuff, no things, peeling away all the layers of built up fear, face the underlying drivers behind why I’ve done what I’ve done, to build a new foundation to move into the world with. That shits not easy, and it’s not for everyone, but it’s something that my soul guided me to undergo.

I’m not bound by interest rates, home loans, expensive assets, expensive toys, rents and monthly internet, netflix or electricity bills. I’ve found freedom. I know I am but one person, not a family, but these money lessons have been the hugest to date.

I now see through the cracks of society and how it’s all one massive orchestrated control fest. Rats on a never ending wheel of working to live, living to work. Being educated the value of a career, to earn high wages, to own the nice house and car, losing sight of the real abundance in this lifetime. The soil, the planet, our health. Again a whole blog post could be written here.

3. Completing tasks that are easy at home, are hard as shit to complete here

This is as crazy as it sounds. Seriously. It has taken my friend 5 months to create a flyer for her business. From working with a graphic designer to edit an existing flyer template, to paying her, to getting it to the printers, has been one crazy laughable ride. The funny thing is, it’s away perfect. There is a flow, a yin based way of living here.

It’s like you have to throw your intention to the wind, wait like a boomerang for it to return to your thoughts, before moving forward in action towards it. Try going to the post office for example; something so simple and easy in any other part of the world. Here, you have to find your available pocket of time to go, navigate the extreme tourist traffic, find a bike park, await your turn – often a good chunk of time, ensure you have your ID, all required items to post and money. Because this is Bali, chances are, one day you’ll forget your ID, another day, the post office will be closed due to ceremony, and another – you’ll miraculously bump into an old friend you haven’t seen in 5 years whilst on the way, and miss out on making it to the post office before it closes. Simple things become hard. And as always, it’s perfect.

4. Be prepared to let go of any plan you have upon arriving

Have you heard the saying, you get what you need, not what you want?

Well that comes into form here. Anyone with an agenda should be prepared to let that go ASAP. There is a natural flow state here. Things unfold as and when they’re meant to. We in the West are so conditioned to doing things on our agenda. Being linear and masculine orientated in doing. Go here, then here, then here. You don’t see the Balinese move like this. They graciously move from A to B, having all the time in the world, for impromptu conversations, connections, basically enjoying life.

Westerners – we’re in a hurry to get to where we’re going. Our life is predominately in our future existence. We are rarely ever here. Bali will teach you to slow down, to enjoy each moment to moment. If you don’t listen, you’ll receive a lesson that will slow you down. A late driver, a flat tyre, an accident, slow service – and a million more examples than I can think of.

5. You will learn to walk with one foot in the physical reality, one foot in the non physical

This has been one of my biggest lessons (haha another one). I continue to say to my Mum. “It is SO different living here!”I’ve had to learn how to trust life more than I ever have before! I’m the kind of person who budgets, always has enough, puts money aside each week for bills, expenses, holidays, savings etc…Since living here, all those have been exhausted and any sort of safety net I’d always have, has evaporated. I’ve had to make decisions to commit to things before I’ve had the money to do so, and needed to trust that the money will come.

I moved into my current home in that manner, I committed to my last visa run the same way. It’s like having one foot in the tangible, and one foot in the non tangible.

Abraham (Esther Hicks), calls it aligning to your vortex. Not getting distracted by your here and now reality of what current exists, but focusing on that which you want to manifest and fully knowing in it’s coming into form, irrespective of desired timeline. It’s a learnt skill I tell you. One I’d like to think I’m getting better and better at. It has been a challenge to trust where my money will come from to pay my upcoming visa extension, rent, bike rental, food, but somehow the money comes, maybe not on time, maybe I have to ask a friend, maybe Mum gives me money. It’s not always a comfortable situation, but it is rich with lessons in receiving, in learning to be vulnerable, learning to trust, and showing up at the drop of a hat when need be.

6. Anything you need to learn, that you have missed, or choose to miss, will slap you hard in the face

Lessons are a constant, rarely is there a pause in something that needs to be learnt and transformed. If you don’t get the message, it will repeat until you do. Bali will work with your built-in programming to give it to you in a way that you’re accustomed. If you’re used to dealing with things in the physical; a cold, flu, virus, Bali Belly – be sure you’ll find yourself with one of these.

If you’re used to repeating patterns in your daily experience; lovers who aren’t emotionally available, money problems, transport problems, terrible neighbors, you’ll receive the same experiences as if stuck in ground hog day.

If you’re adapt at emotional release, transforming your thoughts – be sure you’ll flow with Bali, and shift lifetimes of patterns in your short or long stay here.

7. Bali will release you when it’s time to go

When it’s time to leave, you’ll know it. You’ll hear/feel the call to go somewhere else, and you’ll have no choice but to take action. I haven’t yet experienced this, but I’ve witnessed it time and time again. One of my dear sistas has just heard her call. She’s been here for 9 months, and about 2 weeks ago felt strongly it was time to return to her home soil. She’s booked her ticket, handed in her resignation and is now putting the call out to rent her home and find a carer for her animals. She knows she’ll be back. But for now, it’s time to go.

It’s a funny one this life in Bali. We are and will always be visitors to this island. The longer we stay, no change does it make to our status. We are still simply visitors. We can learn the language, learn the culture and its beautiful customs, but it will not change anything. We can commit to being here, as I choose to nearly 3 months ago, get a dog, make it our home, but at the end of the day, when Bali says it’s time, it’s time.

I am in constant awe and gratitude for being here in this magical place. Not a day passes that I don’t think “OMG I’m in Bali!” As I ride my scooter from A to B, witnessing the beautiful land people (as I have nick named them). The dark skinned locals who work in the fields next to my home. Their earth grabbing wide feet, mud to their knees, carrying epic 40kg plus sacks of grass to their home, their cows. Their toothless smiles and acknowledgement to my tourist Indonesian greetings – “Pagi”, “Yeah yeah” they reply.

The chanting of Gatri Mantra each 6am, 12pm, 6pm. The smell of incense and offerings on the ground in front of each compound in my gang. The pack of Bali Dogs hunting for any form of food they can find. It is all wildly magical, beautiful, raw and real. I just adore Bali. What a gift!

For me, 2016 still lingers, like a bad smell that won’t quit. A reminder of the epic lessons thrown at me. The relentless pummeling, like being dumped in a massive surf break that appears as endless as an Australian Summer.

Last year was a massive year of endings, lessons, transformations, challenges & every other color in between that. I was forced to let go of anything and everything I knew to be true, AND, any form of external safety or security I had created.

I found myself living in Bali for the full duration, with a brief trip to Australia for a visa run. Other than that, it was life in a Silent Retreat for 8.5 months, followed by life in Ubud, Bali.

In hindsight now, I can see that I simply needed to make the decision to be here, rather than leave decisions to the wind and magically hope that Bali would simply provide everything I could need. But hindsights are always that aren’t they, seeing life clearly once you’ve been on the rollercoaster ride of life adventure.

It was scary being here. Scary in the not knowing, it still is. Of surrendering to the fact that we are not control. I struggle with this dance. Of choosing a direction and trusting that I will be supported in it. I think I am still holding the scars from the last time I trusted this process. Leaving Australia for Canada, and then leaving Canada for New Zealand. I’m smart ya know – I do understand that life is about experiences – adventure. Successes and Failures. But today I acknowledge *yet again* the pain of hurt in my heart from something that ended so abruptly.

So I struggle to choose something and trust. Hence the non choosing of my life here in Bali. To just wander and drift and hope that life would show up for me. And it has, I have constantly been provided for. Amazing friends & family who have provided accommodation, food & listening loving ears whenever I have needed.

But this way of living has invited a sense of hopelessness, a mistrust within myself that I didn’t hold the power to make anything happen, that I was at the complete mercy of life to carry me where I needed to go. Even today I still feel like this. Just having finished a conversation with a new friend in a coffee shop, I still feel powerless to life.

I know no one knows where they are going, but I for one feel like I’m leading the party on the mission to no where. Sometimes I feel like I have it right, and everyone else has it wrong. Because we aren’t going anywhere, we are only here. Right here, right now. In fact to think we are going anywhere else but here is laughable!

“Want to make god laugh? Tell him your plans.”

But my lesson of the year, is one of trust & co-creation. Of working with the law of attraction to make the desirable occur. I want a home. I have to choose a home. Sounds basic right? Yes. But I’ve lacked the fundamental self belief that I am worthy of anything, so therefore chose to not choose anything. And because I chose nothing, then nothing showed up, despite me wanting stuff. I was in-congruent with my core belief – “I’m not worthy.” So keep attracting more of not being worthy. Ouch!

I’m on the final straight of this doozy of a lesson. I am SO done with believing I am not enough, it serves NO ONE!

Yes – I have chosen that I want a home & am actively searching. It is taking it’s sweet time for sure, but I’m putting it down to the right one making it’s way to me. I am receiving messages that this lesson is near completion, that I have done the work, and that now it’s about letting go and allowing the final completion to occur with gratitude for all it’s wonder and juiciness.

I gave thanks to my dear Sista – Samaya last night, she has opened up her home to me & has made me feel nothing but welcome. I said to her, if this is the final hurrah of this lesson, I’ve been given such a wonderful opportunity by sharing such quality time with her.

Forgive my writing, but I’m still finding my writing pants – I think I have lost them from the constant bed hopping that I’ve been participating in. Writing feels like I am swimming in an alphabet stew and cannot connect the correct letters, let alone words, to put together. I used to find writing & blogging so easy – but currently it’s like trying to swim to the surface after being pummeled by those said waves in the beginning.

This is an Osho card reading I gave myself last night. Depicting the situation at hand.
1 – The Issue – Consciousness
2 – What I’m present to internally – Innocence
3 – What needs to happen externally – Letting Go
4 – What is currently happening – Transformation
5 – The Outcome – Completion

3 of these cards being Major Arcana Cards – representing BIG lessons at play.

Perhaps you’ve read about the awakening process or are going through it yourself. The world is shifting and people are awakening to the truth of this life. It can be a scary initiation that is a preparation into your unique life purpose and why you are living this life. One that has more meaning than that of simply following the society norm of which we have been conditioned to through our up bringing.

To help a little, and normalize what you might be experiencing, I’ve compiled 6 examples to support your surrender and remind you you aren’t alone.

I know when I experienced these, I felt like I was the only person on Earth and didn’t understand what was happening. Please know you’re not alone as many have gone before you, and are right alongside you right now. At this time there is an abundance of people available to support you and understand your experience.

6 Signs You’re Experiencing the Awakening Process

1 – Something outside of your control happens;

Maybe you lost your job?
A large financial challenge occurs.
You move homes, or locations.
You’re going through a divorce or separation with a loved one.
Someone dear to you passes on.
A desired outcome was not fulfilled.

Situations that occur beyond what our Ego has calculated can invite an opportunity for fear to visit. This is not a bad thing. Merely a chance to test our resiliency and feel emotions we may not have allowed ourselves to feel by being in our mapped out existence. When we know what we know, well… When we don’t know what we don’t know…

2 – Feeling emotional for unknown reasons;

You experience a spectrum of emotions for unknown (or maybe known) reasons. But you really do not understand WHY you feel this magnified way about this unknown, or known thing, but you do. You feel like reclusing, hiding, you are unsure how to cope.

When life happens for us externally, it can activate emotions that are suppressed within our psyche. Something may have happened during our childhood years, or perhaps past lives, that we weren’t able to process, that now as an adult we have the capacity to.

3 – Feeling alone/misunderstood in usual social situations;

Going out tonight, you didn’t really feel like going. But you go because you feel a sense of obligation. It’s what you ‘should’ do. The small talk at the outing feels really really hard. You long to simply be at home, or be able to talk about what is really going on in your life, but you feel far to vulnerable to show how you really feel and fear being judged and feeling like ‘that person’. That person who is struggling with life and doesn’t have it all together. Because of course we should, right? (tongue in cheek)

As our consciousness is shifting and we are awakening to a whole new world of thoughts, feelings, emotions and ways of being in the world, we begin to shift and out grow or existing reality.

4 – Increased sensitivity to usual environments & information

Watching the News, or reading Newspapers is no longer enjoyable. You don’t like the fear mongering in these stores, they make you feel bad. You prefer to scroll Social Media for feel good stories, articles and information, watch YouTube Videos and choose to inform yourself on what ‘the people’ are sharing. There are great things happening in the world too! You are consciously choosing to feel good, not bad.

You might be beginning to notice how easy it is to feel bad based on environmental factors. Media, people, environments, food, bars, clubs, places you used to put your energy into. You’ll be making conscious choices for what makes you feel good vs bad.

5 – Falling away of current friendships

You’re feeling like your current circle of friends don’t understand you and what is happening. You struggle to talk to them and feel really uncomfortable when you try. When you do, they console you with things like:
– it’ll pass
– you’ll be right // you’ll get through this
– everyone goes through something
– did you know such and such had xyz happen – you’re lucky compared to them
It’s not their fault they don’t know how to acknowledge you, but you feel no better, maybe worse and more alone from not feeling heard.

Yup – this is a tricky, and personal one to navigate. Ensure you seek support from a practitioner who can acknowledge how you feel. How you feel IS important and valid and it’s absolutely irrelevant to compare your situation to another person going through the same or different circumstances. We are all unique and riding our own life waves.

6 – There is discomfort in the life you once felt comfort

Suddenly, being in large populated areas like shopping malls, supermarkets now aggravates you. The bright lights, artificial food & packaging, screaming children, intense energy, the sense of stress and urgency from over worked faces around you. Not to mention the stress of getting in and out of the car park!

Another uncomfortable one, but a great opportunity to acknowledge you and your needs. There are other options available that don’t have to include going to a busy supermarket or mall. Lucky now we have home gardens, whole foods stores, weekend markets, organic delivery services, co-ops. Start doing some research if you haven’t already to connect with local people, create grass roots connections with others around you who are connected to the Earth. Life isn’t a fast food store, so we shouldn’t live like it.

Lots of wonderful unfolding lessons will show themselves in time. This is a magical time where you will see more than you have before. It may not feel like it at the time, but remember to breathe, seek support and know you are not alone in this.

There hasn’t been much inspiration for blogging recently, I’ve been knee deep in emotional healing, loving my Inner Child, much to the disappointment of my inner ‘get things done’ self. Apparently now is a time of deep inner healing, as reflected to me by my healer friend.

There’s been resistance with the acceptance of this, I mean, I am in the perfect place to be healing, but seriously, how long does one have to heal for – can I get on with the show already? Am I right?

It feels as though this year has been relentless in the pursuit of healing. The whole of 2016! In numerology this year is a 9 year, a year of endings. 2+0+1+6=9. Representing the ending of a 8/9 year cycle, and I tell you what, these numbers aren’t lying. This last year feels like it has been dying a slow death, like the transition of seasons from fall to winter – but longer.

After spending 8.5 months in a Silent Retreat, 2.5 in Ubud – I feel like physically, I have not achieved one thing. Sure, there may be a few blog posts to show, pages and pages of scribbled journaling’s – most of which are ash by now. I have 2 suitcases filled with my belongings & have accumulated one beautiful gifted wooden Ganesha representative of destroying my obstacles. Sounds like a pretty clean simple year no?

Internally it looks like the Sahara desert, intuitively I feel endless rolling hills of cleared debris & destruction. You can’t see my inner landscape, I can’t prove to you how much inner work I’ve done. We cannot sit and compare notes and graphs about who’s inner work is going to have the biggest return on investment, because this shit can’t be seen. When times like this in life present, (and yes I say times like this, as this isn’t the first time I’ve experienced this), it is so easy to forget that life exists outside of the inner destruction that has occurred.

I forget that there IS a life of dreams and desires, of the world’s greatest riches. I forget that there are manifestations of unknown awaiting my rebirth into the world. I forget that there is a sea of possibility just begging me to grab a hold of it with both hands. I forget that I am a valued being on this planet and another voice for Mother Earth. I forget. I am lost in my inner Star Wars Movie – the battle of the dark side against the light.

This recent battle is just about over. One that has invited my inner teenager with all her wounds, aches and pains. I was gifted a beautiful encounter with a gorgeous Balinese Man who’s smile was enough to make my heart melt, and it pretty much did. It has been about one full year since anyone had looked at me, so to feel my butterflies dance in my tummy was a strange, but exciting feeling – I decided to explore it. Why not?

Edges were met & my fears emerged, I didn’t know whether to let the whole thing go and continue to protect my precious heart, or to open and expand despite these fears. A trip back to the Silent Retreat and a deep dig towards some inner courage saw me return to Ubud lighter and ready to explore.

My heart was opened again and I felt as vulnerable as a fresh teenager rich with new hormones. She was out in full force. The beauty of this relationship was a test of this vulnerable part of myself – would she seek fulfillment in another, or would I (adult Heidi) rise to the challenge and be there to catch her – to meet her needs.

Heart open, arms wide, I was there to catch her, there could be no other way, because he was not available, nor is it his job. His heart closed, encased behind walls of hurt & pain. She kicked & screamed and yelled at me for love, so show up for her did. Time spent laying on my bed, holding my heart, tears streaming, journaling & meditation to hold her tightly was all I could do from going crazy thinking about him.

An external force brought into my world to make me show up stronger than I ever have for myself. It’s been a good month of parenting myself, it has been wild & relentless. I am SO thankful to see who I am and understand how to care for me, to not throw myself at another in the vain ‘hope’ that he will give me what I needed to give myself.

The relationship has come to a close, and I am feeling a little more settled within my heart, aware of new lessons on the cusp. Trust & Intimacy… This inner work, really is akin to work – seriously! If there was a way to be paid for it, I would be onto the winning ticket.

Our relationships really are nothing but mirrors for us. Showing up to teach us the deepest parts of ourselves we have not yet met. It takes courage to engage in conscious relationships – that shit ain’t easy.

“the road can teach you how to love and let go, it can be lonely, but it’s the only thing, that we’ve ever known…”

Wash It Away
Nahko Bear

> If you’re needing support in gaining clarity around your Inner Child within relationships, contact me at me@heidifirth.com or Be Your Own Guru – Worldwide on Facebook.

I am SO riled up with frustration today – today’s topic – how will I make a difference in today’s world?

Yesterday I spent time with a dear friend & he is never shy to question my motives and intentions behind my drive for life.

It’s always wonderful to have someone pushing me forward and ensuring I’m aligning myself with my highest good, but what if it feels like absolutely nothing I’m doing is working or moving forward?

I really feel like this right now!

I feel so on my own. Usually a day is inspired by divine conversations, interactions that can guide me towards something, a creative task to fruition, but these past few weeks. I feel like I’m floating in the ethos of nothingness. What the fuck am I doing?

My past few blog posts have mirrored this topic. What the fuck is Heidi doing? I have a million tools and good intentions for the whole, but feel like I’ve no fucking idea what I’m doing, add to this my stress about my money situation. So which comes first? Focus on the things that will bring money in, or keep doing what I love – it feels like the dilemma of the era – with all the bright shinny things ‘out there’ – it’s so easy to be distracted by ‘what’s here’.

I can’t play the pretend game – pretending I have it all together – that I’m some wonderful successful online coach with clients lining up to work with me, earning 6/7 figures each month – it all seems so shallow & empty. Give me the truth god dammit! I need to be honest, I need to spill the beans and call a spade a spade. Who really knows what is going on here? I certainly don’t. I wish I had a small inkling of an idea. What this thing called life is all about. Even writing these words, having this word dump doesn’t feel like the right thing to share on my blog. Aren’t I meant to have it all together?

If I carry the title of Coach, Counselor & PT, aren’t I meant to know what’s going on? Perhaps this is something I’ve put on myself… that I should have it all together. I feel the further I go along this journey, the less idea I actually have. Walls & beliefs get knocked down, disassembled, blasted to smithereens. What is left is a field of peace, wonder, possibility which anything can be built upon. I tell you this field is amazing, but you wouldn’t believe unless you experienced it for your very own self.

I joined an online Affiliate Marketing gig because it truly felt like a piece of the puzzle, the tools, systems and the how – the how behind getting Be Your Own Guru online & moving – whatever that means.

Yet I watch the Facebook posts & messages stream along on FB Messenger (from said Marketing peeps) – they are rich with questions and banter about all the detail needed to understand the nuts and bolts behind the scenes of building an online business. How to derive followers, likers, leads etc.. The purpose of these equal sales and therefore money. Winning right?! Yes we need money – god knows we do – have a look at my bank account.

However in the next moment, I stumble upon a video of my Mentor – Paul Chek, talking about how the Earths Top Soil is akin to our own Digestive Systems. I get this so strongly – as within, so without. I witness the mass pollution accruing on this planet and understand that it is a direct result of each individual on this planet and our connection with our inner selves.

Online business details vs the reality of the Planet – my dilemma – the questions & feelings of frustration arise – What can I do? I experience deep frustration on a daily basis for not being able to DO ENOUGH! HOW! What can I do? Seriously – show me the fucking way! I have a greater awareness of what is going on here & I don’t know what to do with that information! Rgggghhh!

Meanwhile billions of people the world across are absolutely clueless to the impact they are creating, let alone what their neighbors are up too. How can we be in such a mess? It really breaks my heart, I cry & feel the pain of the world in my heart. How can my knowledge help the whole? How can I help the cause?

I just don’t know what to do. Even typing these words while I sit in a Café in Ubud drinking my coffee feels super privileged and hardly a step in the right direction. Though I know that I need to acknowledge my fire, I need to express my frustrations. Whether my words are read, whether they disappear into the abyss of yet another blog post online, what matters is that I wrote them. That I acknowledged my deep frustration with the state of the planet and the fact that I am SO ready to make difference.

I dance in periods of listening to my favorite artist Nahko Bear. When I’ve had time away from him, and return – his voice and message awakens my soul again – it resonates so deeply and for that moment in time I feel heard – I feel ok. His music reminds me that I’m not the only one. You see – I feel like I’m on my own here. Am I?

Are you reading these words?
Are you with me?
Do you care?
Can you see what is happening?
Do you know that the world needs you?
Are you aware of your daily actions and how they affect the world. Your trash, your purpose, your words, your energy, your ability to be in integrity with yourself. Speak your truth, be honest, be vulnerable. Do you understand how MUCH you contribute to this world? You are a part of everything – not separate at all.

You see this is what is needed first and foremost. We can’t change anything out there – without changing what is going on – in here <3.

This is what it comes back to, Being Your own Guru, if you are the creator of your life, taking responsibility for your words, actions, energy, moment to moment, we make the best choices for the planet.

Our food sources, the soil in which it was grown, our friends and neighbors and how much love and compassion we offer them. Everyone is fighting their own battles and they cannot be won on our own. We need to band together and offer support… But it starts with you – right now – looking at yourself.

If you’re ready to embark on the Guru’s journey, let’s do things OUR way… Let’s get our voices out loud and strong in integrity with our spirit and purpose. Let’s make a difference. I will walk with you, guiding you & offering support each step of the way. Join me in a personal capacity by messaging me, or join me professionally by following this link.

So days ago, in fact the day after I wrote my previous blog, my life took a drastic turn.

I have been spending extended time in a Silent Retreat, on the magical island of Bali. It’s been a little over 8 months so far, hence my previous blog post. (You can read that blog here.)

Upon returning from Australia, I was met with changes in my exchange at the retreat, to which I decided to step up into. I imagined that there was a higher purpose for me being here, you know, to create something of my own contribution towards this retreat space and the hundreds of courageous souls who visit.

The next day, a whirlwind happened and I was let go! A mass of incorrect communications took place. Different perceptions of the same words, catapulted into miscommunication which resulted in this action. It was wild, it was crazy, there may have been some angry words said, all necessary in the transition of this lesson.

But the strange thing is, I am not upset about it. It feels right and I am in total acceptance that this was what had to happen. And so now I sit in a space much like the butterfly does, as she allows her wings to dry before taking flight into a new adventure.

Mostly I feel excited and optimistic, though occasionally I feel nervous.

I want so much to step into an exciting opportunity that nurtures my soul to the highest extent. I just want to get going, but equally flit with days of simply just needing rest and feeling exhausted. What a ride this is.

Today feels more optimistic. After a chat with a friend, I’m being reminded of processes akin to nature. These support me to accept what is and to not work against my own unfolding.

Se are human beings and we have an ego. The ego likes to know what is happening. I know mine does.

– Where am I going?
– What do I want to do?
– How will I have money?
– Do I put my energies into Be Your Own Guru?

All these questions and more are humming along in the background that I am acknowledging.

Still I wish to act from love. I wish to take action as & when it feels right. Acting from fear only gets in the way, and prevents what really needs to drop in to arrive and be heard.

I explored websites my friend shared, and worked on my primary values – to help manifest & gain clarity of my next step. These are the only steps available right now. This, and to honor how much my body needs rest. I nap each afternoon & am moving very gently.

One can only work with what is available & be in the dance of co-creation. Good things take time & everything has a natural rhythm.

These past few days have invited some deep internal reflection. It has been brutally confronting, inviting me to look at old untruths that I have been operating from. But first, these patterns wouldn’t have come to head, if I hadn’t have allowed myself to sit in a womb of Bali love for these past 8-9 months.

Like all good cycles, this one has been epic beyond explanation. Inviting in rich feminine nurturing and ways of being I have been unaccustomed to. I’m Heidi – I like to charge forward like the Sagittarian Adventurer that I am, making shit happen & tearing things up in my path. This time has welcomed a newer, upgraded version of Heidi, one who has richer compassion and deep nurturment for the feminine process and holding.

I have needed to spend time healing my heart after my breakup, and look at my underlying issues of worthiness that it brought up.

It is merely intuition that has taught me that these months have been a holding period. Much to my personal frustration of wanting to get on with life and move forward. After all, doesn’t it feel so satisfying to take action towards the things we want most in life? Look at us humans right now, we are so ADDICTED to being in action. Our very days are full to the brim with action tasks and duties. Not to many moments are filled with blissful nothingness, simply watching nature & counting our blessings on breathe. “Il dolce far niente.”

I’ve trusted my guidance and taken one step at a time, accepting the discomfort of what was, trusting that everything is in perfect order, despite it not looking like the order I wanted so dearly. After all, as the saying goes “we get what we need, not what we want.”

I’ve carried out tasks that I am good at, that have served me living this life – making a living – in exchange for accommodation, food & other additions that have allowed me to stay on this island of Bali. It has triggered my deepest frustrations to not be ‘in control’ of such simple matters. However it has been so satisfying to not have to conform to the basic demands of needing to earn real money, only to see the gross of it go off to things like rent, expenses, food, gas, loans and so on. I have been gifted a break from the rat race. An incredible opportunity to rest from such a Masculine/Yang way of living.

Still I was aware of needing to break from Bali. An opportunity to gain a fresh perspective. To see if leaving this island was what I needed to do to move forward, break free of the Bali bubble. A return break to Australia to spend time with my bestie was just what I needed. Time to drink all the coffee and eat all the chocolate with my friend, and to not consider the needs of the retreat and my personal frustrations with, “what am I doing with my life!”

Feeling unbiased either way upon my return – should I stay, should I go – I returned and initially felt no clearer other than experiencing a few UP days, which were so so welcome, the nurturing womb of Bali love had changed – I felt freer. But direction & purpose were still no more clearer. Hoping clarity would show up after some necessary conversations, I’d hoped options would become clear to me. This wasn’t to be the case. Foggier and foggier I became. I fell into a hole of darkness yesterday and experienced my lows in full force. Worthiness, lack, sadness, fear. I decided to hide from myself by watching a movie.

That evening I attended our Agnihotra Fire Ceremony which welcomes purging of old to bring about transformation, and how perfect for this New Moon Energy. Still agitation sat with me and I choose to leave before it was finished. I retired to bed and decided to again distract myself with something to watch online. I found an interview with Marie Forleo & Tony Robbins. I started watching it out of curiosity. He’s been around for years, but I have never felt any interest in him. However he has a movie set for release shortly titled “I am not your Guru”, which is on par with my Be Your Own Guru concept. I watched for a bit but felt uninspired.

Clicking on a different video of his, titled something like “how to control your emotions” thinking, this will be interesting. I am not for controlling my emotions, but giving them the space to be what they need to be, but figured he must know what he’s talking about given his status & duration of time in the Personal Development field.

I understand that every emotion is a message telling us that we need to change something. I get this. We listen to the message & go deeper into it to find the core underlying message. I get this also. What he teaches, after acknowledging what the core message is, there are one of two things one can do;
1 – Change your perception of what you are experiencing to change your feeling, or
2 – Take action preceding the situation.

I often have the tendency to sit in the emotion of what comes up a bit longer than needed. For example, the recent changes here have triggered my feelings of worthiness. So I feel into the feelings of lack of worth. Allowing it to be what is. It does eventually shift naturally, however it can be quite uncomfortable to be there for extended periods of time, as one might imagine. Perhaps this has to do with my emotional maturity – having cut myself off from feeling emotions at a young age? Perhaps making up for lost time, I don’t know?

This morning upon waking, I sat in my fog and asked “what do I do next?” I had been waiting for internal guidance to guide me, giving me some kind of inspiration. A clear indication around what action I needed to take. Up until recently, I’ve been getting nadda. This morning what came through was a message – “back yourself.”

What listening to Tony the night before did, was reminded me that I am in control. I am in charge of what I want to create. I looked at why I am feeling this way. I got really honest with myself. I knew I didn’t want to return into the same bubble that I was previously. So what was my resistance?

I had been so down on my self belief, that I thought that I couldn’t create what I wanted. I thought it was gone. That my purpose was in the hands of some greater force guiding me, dictating where I needed to go & be. I was reminded that the most rewarding time of my working life, was when I worked for myself. I was my own boss. I did what I wanted and the sky was the limit!

This memory reminded me that I can do that again!

I needed to internally choose. I needed to step up, to back myself. To choose that I want to work for myself. To accept the massive opportunity that I have been given here. Of course I don’t know how I am going to do it, or what I am going to do, I only know that I cannot go backwards. I have to encompass everything that I know and have integrated over the past 15 years and bring it forward into the now. Now is the time to do.

As soon as I made this decision, I took myself off for an ass kicking workout. I biked to some local stairs that I love pounding and pumped out repetitions of them. I was my own Personal Trainer. Edging myself forward to push through the mud into something new.

This was communicated with the Founder here & a very short time after, a guest booked me for a session! Such a perfect confirmation that I have made the right decision aligned to my highest good. In hindsight, what I’ve shared is so simple, but experientially one of the toughest processes to date.

There was so much richness in the womb of Bali love that I needed, to come from a new, perhaps more loving, compassionate nurturing way of being, that perhaps could not have been facilitated from my old way of being. We are no longer living head based lives; we need to align with our hearts true purpose in each moment. It is easy to charge forward from the head, but to come from the heart, that is truly living.