Marriage, Money and Secrets

What to do when hidden debt rises to the surface

"I can't figure out where all the money is going, and he refuses to tell me or keep records to show me where the spending is going. Why can't he just tell me?"

Every year, millions of couples across the nation sit down with counselors
to sort through issues, because let’s face it—we all have some issues.

Broken trust and poor communication about money top the list of pressures
that put a wedge between a husband and wife. Time and time again, one spouse
will try to hide an out-of-control spending habit or try to fix it on their
own, convincing themselves that the problem isn’t as big as it is. Anyone can
give in to impulsive spending from time to time, but it’s often hard to realize
or admit when it’s out of control.

"Dave, how do I tell my
husband that I currently have over $15,000 on my credit card?"

Living
in a lie is a trap that hurts you and those you love most. But listen! There is
hope! If you or your spouse have been hiding spending or debt, you can work
through it. Just start now, work hard as a team and keep your head up. You can
get through this!

Let's explore some basic steps to recovery:

Prepare to tell the whole truth.

Taking responsibility for your actions is half
the battle! Owning up to your mistakes with courage, humility and transparency
will be a major step in the right direction. Decide ahead of time not to
leave out any details or to try to make things sound better than they are. It
will only lead to more pain for both of you in the end.

Talk honestly.

Set a time to sit down with your spouse, and ask
him or her not to respond until you are finished making your confession. Explain
what has happened as honestly as you can. This is a good time to ask sincerely
and humbly for forgiveness. Be prayerfully prepared for any potential response,
because this may be quite a shock to your spouse. If you are the unsuspecting
spouse getting news like this, respond with compassion and forgiveness, giving
your spouse a safe place to share openly.

Listen attentively.

What is your spouse thinking? Listen without responding, even if there is a time of silence.

Get to the root.

Often, when you are falling
into addictive, destructive behavior, it’s about something deeper. Compulsive
spending may have its roots in trying to escape from something, cope with
deeper issues, or “medicate” another problem. Take a good hard look at
what that could be and seek help in dealing with it.

Work together.

Ask your spouse to help you work out a plan to
attack the debt using a debt snowball. Show your willingness to change by
offering to take on a second job or sell things that are meaningful to you.

Be accountable.

Establish a time (weekly at first) to stay
accountable with each other. Work as a team to prevent relapse. If there isn’t
drastic improvement quickly, it’s time to find a professional counselor to walk
through it with you.

Continue to communicate.

When the crisis is over and wounds have healed,
continue to seek your spouse's counsel and be open with each other. Couples all
too often make big financial decisions without talking first. It's important to
agree about major purchases, even when budgeting together, to build trust.

Stay positive about the future!

Working through any issue can be
tough. Encourage each other, stay connected to people who lift you up, and
keep your eye on the healing that’s taking place and the brighter future
to come!

Once you start talking candidly about how you spend money, you will begin to build
unity in your marriage and experience peace like never before.