Poetry, Pain, Storytime and Introspection

dream

If it were a year ago, I would be without reservation. I would be full ahead, all in, how to get from here to there hardcore planning and presentation. It is the unfortunate case that the me of a year ago is gone. He had a bit more faith, a bit more naivete(if that term can be applied to someone as old hat as I).
Truthfully, I miss him. He would have stormed the gates of heaven for the hint of what now may be.

That’s not to say that I’m not overwhelmingly intrigued and even hopeful. Just that now, I’m cautious. People have burned me on hoping before. And while I don’t think that will happen here, it may not work out. That would be disappointing but little would change, I think.

I’m cautiously optimistic. I think we have a good shot. But slowly and coming into each other’s lives, not the headlong rush that has been so destructive in the past. In a way, I’m just talking myself into slow. Because the gods know, I’m much more comfortable with jumping.

This as a possibility I would never have guessed. Amazing. The world is still a beautiful surprise.

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I had a dream that I worked for Elon Musk directly. The work was infiltrating and inspecting companies that he owns or has partial stake in. I had parted ways with him amicably to go work for another company but was now bored with that work. I had mastered all of the pieces of a pretty complicated system after a few years and was bored again. I’d stopped working for Musk partially because the work had become too dangerous. But in my current state of boredom it made sense to call him up and see if he had any piece work he needed done. He did. There is a company that was building a underground cargo hauling business. Not underground in the illegal sense but literally underground. They were 200 feet down carving through the bedrock a network of tunnels to haul goods without having to mess about with terrain features, other people, weather issues, speed limits and other problems. It was a huge outlay of time and resources with no immediate or short to mid term profit prospects and it was amazing. He needed me to get into the tunnels and make sure the workers were motivated and that management was not intentionally dragging its feet. I got in and found that the delay was that they had found jade and fossils. They had already routed around the fossils and were looking for a route around the jade. I broke into the office and was going through the paper work when the owner of this company broke through the locked door before I could make good my escape through the side tunnels; He knew me from years before and knew that he was being audited. On the verge of a breakdown he asked what he was doing wrong; what he could fix. I assured him that there was nothing wrong. This was a inspection and they happen at all of Musk’s companies. He doesn’t go in for sending in corporate teams. “Give people time to prepare and even if they don’t mean to, they will end up lying to you,” is what Elon always says. The fossils and the jade are good things. We can route a side tunnel to the fossils and bring in archeologists and that will bring some good publicity should we need it. Plus advancing knowledge is what Elon is all about. The jade is just good business, we mine that and use the profits to offset the costs. Plus with the markets in jade cut off right now due to political unrest we will basically own the market. This venture will see profits for a few quarters which will please the money men that Elon is working with.

Of course, I’m highlighting here, the dream included things like the feel of the tunnels; the steam and the heat, and the infiltration was more harrowing than I am writing but in the dream it was something I had done many times before. Including a backdoor escape route that involved a hidden egress point that the miners did not know about that led to a natural cave system that allowed retreat. But that all felt like old hat. Something that I had done before and not really worth mentioning.

I counseled the owner and calmed him down then left in the normal way. On getting back to my car I find Mr. Musk’s general troubleshooter waiting at the car with a job offer. I was to infiltrate and gain access to something. I say something because I don’t recall what it was. Just that it was important and that I had a plan to get in. I invited some friends in the business. Quasilegal inspection teams being something that does occur at the levels we were playing in. Part infiltration expert, part forensic accountant, part engineer, we were rare but not unknown and the work was always interesting. I was setting up the job and infiltrating a secondary target with the team to find out how we worked together. Then I woke up.

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I just had the worst dream I’ve ever had.
I was in my home city but it was as if everything had become run down and shady. All of the apartments buildings were crackhouses and drug dens. The businesses were pawn shops and thinly disguised brothels. I was at one of the apartments retrieving my cat Dylan (Thomas not Bob). I was walking to my car when I was interfered with. A group of mobsters were around me and were trying to extort me regarding some other piece of business. They escalated to a physical confrontation. I pulled my blade and cut them to ribbons. I was going for the last and most dangerous and somehow a person I love got between me and my quarry as I was delivering a killing blow. I saw the look of surprise on her face and then her throat parted. Everything in the dream came to a full stop. I screamed for minutes, for hours, for eternity. Holding her in my arms. The cops showed up, too late, and with her dead in my arms, I went after the cops hoping they would kill me. They didn’t. I was kept alive for some reason. I was trying to taunt them into taking the shot when I woke. I felt the pain in my heart as if it had been ripped out. My throat felt like I had been screaming but people in the house say no. Even now, I’m haunted by the image. I would do anything to make it not happen. Even though it was ‘only’ a dream.

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I walk up to a table at some kind of gala. I sit down and look at the sad young lady sitting alone. She’s beautiful. I could describe her, but all women I find beautiful are pretty in their own unique way. Suffice to say she was stunning. I say “hello, would you like to spend tonight with me? I have had a bad run of it and I don’t want to be alone tonight. Just be with me.”

She asks, “I’m not going to be your vacation fling.” she says it with an unturned lilt. Questioning and almost timid.

I smile crookedly and say “Not if you don’t want to be. Let us have this night. And in the morning if you want to leave you can, but I would much rather you stay.”

We sit drinking champaign. Small sips. There is a small orchestra sitting around. Like they know now one is dancing so why play when no one will listen.

I stand and hold out my hand, “Would you like to dance?”

She says, “but they aren’t playing any music.”

I say, “They will.”

And we dance.
The song we danced to:

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So, 5 days ago I had been dreaming about someone and I dreamed about them for three days. Dream walks don’t normally last that long and are generally not sequential. Dreams I have that are only dreams have an intangible cotton candy in the rain feel. This felt real. She disappeared halfway through night 4 and I’ve was unable to find her at all last night. It’s like looking through sand for a particular grain where before it’s like we were lodestones. There are aspects of my life that are insane from a strictly modern perspective. Eg Magic, spirit worlds, dreamwalking, soul constructs, wards, etc. And I realize I must seem nuts or at best odd, but I miss this person who I only knew in my dreams.

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I haven’t been to sleep in 24 hours
And I can feel the sluggish nature of my thoughts, but I think I’d be OK if I never slept again. Because when I sleep I dream and I remember my dreams. I’m aware in them. And often I’m with someone who loves me. It’s not Morgan anymore. I don’t know who they are. I just know that they wait for me beyond the veil of sleep. They accept and love me for all of me, my flaws, everything that I am. And that’s great but I leave them. I wake and I’m torn away from them over and over. I don’t know how long I can endure that. So not sleeping seems the better course, but I feel like I could be betraying them by staying away. What if they are as real as I am and they wait for me? What if we’re both just searching and this is what we’ve found. It’s both insane and sad when I write it out, but that’s who I am right now. A sad, lonely writer, dreaming of something he had, that it seems he’ll never have again. Madness seams a refuge in that case.

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Bare metal against skin
Sharp indentation as chain bites into hands
The soft cold feel, silk across eyes
The feel of fingers, moving in slow circles
The flat of a blade, following the same path
Hand settling in, the feel of thumb against throat
The pressure, hinting but never quite cutting off breathe
A line of fire, the wet meets cold air
The slow press of him
His weight pinning
Slowly entering the place of rightful worship
Blaze of heat throbbing inside
Teeth scraping and biting
Grinding in, marking her as owned

This lingering taste of her
Slides away as he slips free from sleeps shackles

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You’ve missed nothing
There’s nothing here to miss
Just an avalanche of words
Blowing in maelstrom like autumn leaves
Just my truths left on the ground
Trapped by being written
I wish it were otherwise
That your touch on my skin would be physical reality
But no, just this story we play
But no, just a dream

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I improvise, I don’t plan except in the broadest of strokes. I taste how the moment feels. I ask myself which action do I desire most, which scares me. If an action would hurt someone I care for, I weigh the consequences if I don’t take it. There are many factors. But it’s like a spinning top. You can choose when, where, how much force. You can setup perfectly and it can still go awry. It is always the factor you haven’t planned for, the unknown or the ones out of your control. So perfection is not attainable. But you can learn to improvise. To dance with the flow of the world. At the end of the day, you can only hope that you lived as beautifully, as open, as you could. That your words, your actions touched a life spinning by and made it better.