“The
Eye” is not really a film in and of itself; instead, it’s merely one
story from Body Bags,
a trilogy of tales spun by horror icons John Carpenter and Tobe Hooper.

So,
you ask: “Why not review the whole damn movie?”

Well,
being that the topic of the roundtable is “Body Parts,” I could not
possibly review all three of the segments since only two pertain to the
subject - those being “The Eye” and “Hair.” (The latter is about
a balding man (Stacy Keach) who undergoes a revolutionary new procedure
to once again enjoy the many fruits of a full head of hair. Naturally,
revolutionary new procedures in horror films usually come with grave
circumstances; this proves to be no exception.)

So,
you ask: “Why not review both segments?”

(Sing
along with me at home!)

I’m
lazy.

Brent
Matthews (Mark Hamill!) is a minor league baseball player. After many
years paying his dues as an amateur, it looks like Brent’s hard work
is about to pay off with a high dollar contract from The Giants
(that’s a major league team, for those of us who are sports
challenged).

Naturally,
just when the future looks bright, events take a sudden turn for the
worse. While driving home from a big game, Brent runs his car into a
tree while trying to avoid a deer. Fortunately, another
car happens to be passing by at the time of the incident, and its
occupants are quick to provide a helping hand. Unfortunately, Brent is
pulled from the wreck with a big chunk of glass jutting out from his
right eye socket. (We’re reminded how painful this would be when Brent
runs his hand over the glass shard and yelps. A word to the wise:
Don’t mess with a large glass spike if it’s embedded in your head;
especially somewhere mushy.)

Anyway,
Our Hero is rushed to the hospital. The next day he awakens to discover
that he will, in fact, live to see another day - but only with one eye.
After explaining to the doctors that he needs both
eyes to hit baseballs (it makes sense when you think about it), the two
physicians (John Agar and Roger Corman!) inform Matthews of a revolutionary
new procedure where they can transplant a healthy eye from one person to
another. As a matter of fact, there just so happens to be a recent
donation!

Faster
than a seventh inning stretch, Brent agrees to be the guinea pig. The
operation turns out to be a success, and Matthews is soon released to go
home to his wife, Cathy (Twiggy!). And just when things couldn’t
possibly get any peachier, Cathy informs Brent that she’s pregnant!

Oh,
happy day! But not for long.

Brent
suddenly starts having random, skull-splitting headaches. And with these
headaches come horrific hallucinations of dead bodies and disembodied
hands. Cathy also begins to notice that her husband isn’t acting quite
like his usual jovial
self. He’s abusive, short-tempered, and uncharacteristically violent.

In
a rare moment of sanity, Brent returns to the hospital to find out
what’s happening to him. Can you imagine the surprise when he
discovers that the eye donor was not exactly a volunteer? Instead, he
was an executed serial killer with a penchant for blondes (not unlike
Cathy - the blonde part, that is).

Never
saw that coming, did
you?

“The
Eye” isn’t very good. To be honest, my expectations weren’t very
high going in (the consummate pessimist am I). Anyway, despite it not
being very good, I still had high hopes of enjoying the movie. The film
may be bad, but I happen to enjoy badness. What I don’t enjoy,
however, is pretense. “The Eye” simply brims with ridiculous
biblical references; of course, they all contain the word “eye”
despite how out of context the passage being referenced is utilized.
Instead of prodding the viewer to think, it actually provokes them to
guffaw uncontrollably, and perhaps throw cheese sticks at the television
(the latter being a personal preference).

Tobe,
why must this suck so? Like his star, Hooper’s art seems to suffer
under the imposing shadow of highly successful prior efforts. Granted,
nothing could ever hope of surpassing The
Texas Chainsaw Massacre, but has said film completely sapped
Hooper’s talent well? Chainsaw
is scary and brilliant; “Eye” is boring and predictable. The closest
thing to a scare is the car crash, and that was only because it reminded
me of a nasty wreck I had experienced. Mark Hamill is distracted while
looking to put in a tape (Bea Arthur’s “Closing Cantina” remix, I
presume). I trashed a Ford Tempo while trying to change music. So this
scene hit home, but by no doing of Hooper. This must have been kind of
surreal for Hamill as well, considering the horrific
car crash he survived in the 70’s.

And
finally, let’s discuss poor Mark - or, as scientists put it: “The
Ham Factor.” Bless his heart, Mark Hamill hasn’t really exploded on
the movie scene since that big Sci-Fi adventure flick he made a while
back whose title escapes me. Sure, he pops up every now and then (who
could forget The Guyver?), but I think it’s safe to assume that his
acting career was all downhill from about 1977 on. Nevertheless, I have
to give him a strong “A” for effort. Mark gives it the ole college
try in his portrayal of a baseball player possessed by a serial
killer’s eye; unfortunately, his effort is gravely overshadowed by his
talent - or more accurately, lack thereof. It’s no big secret: Mark
Hamill couldn’t act his way out of a wet paper bag. He tries, dammit.
He feigns a southern drawl; utilizes body talk to accentuate emotion;
all those things great actors do. He just sucks. I think Pauly Shore
would make a more convincing serial killer. Mark does his best to chew
the scenery when the script allows, but only manages some small nibbles.

Let’s
just hope he has merchandising royalties to live off of.

----

- The first
excuse for abstaining from sex I’ve heard in regards to being scared of
a new eye.

-
Mark Hamill philosophizing on science and religion.

-
After seeing a bloody hand shoot forth from his sink’s garbage disposal,
Brent decides to stick his own hand down there in hopes of finding out
what’s going on. I’m sure you would do the same.

-
During one hallucination, Brent sees a zombified version of his wife,
Cathy. What I found funny was the fact that the zombie wasn’t played by
Twiggy; she had a zombie double. Now, I’ve heard of “No Nudity”
clauses, but “No Zombies?”

Mark
Hamill curled in a crib, crying like an infant. In a word: Bizarre.

-
In the finale, Brent struggles with his new appendage and finally opts to
kill himself via garden shears (through his troublesome eye, of course).
He then falls atop an open Bible and dies; a passage in the Good Book is
outlined in blood: “..and if thy right eye offends thee, pluck it
out…” Why do I have a feeling that the entire script was based on this
phrase (again, taken out of context)? Was that supposed to be the big
payoff? One to grow on? Whatever.

(Oh,
I guess I should’ve put a spoiler warning before the preceding
paragraph. Hope I didn’t spoil this turd for you.)