Menu

Bear

I have met Bear in late August 2012 on a festival. We talked, he was drunk, my friend was drunk. We ended up cuddling all night long and I couldn’t forget about him anymore. When I wanted to talk to him the next day I run into him with another girl. Turns out it was just a friend. Half a year later, he still texts me every now and then, and talks about meeting up at the festival again. So maybe we’ll meet up then. Or maybe not. (August 12)

There literally is ONE word to describe the last weekend of mine: drama.

I was really looking forward to the weekend, because Dino would be spending 4 days with me. Also I knew he would spend 3 nights in the same tent as me, so I was a little over excited about that. Like I told you in my last post, on Sunday the week before he dry humped me and just hit on me quite obviously. So I was expecting that something would happen this weekend. Well, he more or less continued where he left the week before, so we were joking about having sex together and what not. The first night, there was a couple in a tent near us, who had sex and the girl was moaning. So we started laughing, but we both got horny. Didn’t do a thing about it though. The day after he said, that he needs to get me into a certain situation so that he would sleep with me. We somehow ended up talking about what we’re into, and he said that I’m a softy, while he really isn’t. He also told me that he’s not one for one-night.stands usually, but he’s had 2 years of heart-break so he doesn’t want a relationship at all. Blahblah. Somehow he ended up telling me that he needs to find a girl for that night and I was like: “well go ahead, I won’t hold you back.” Sure as hell I was jealous, but what could I tell him?

Anyhow, Saturday night we were out alone because we lost the other guys, so we ended up going out for a drink and dancing. He started talking to me like, that he really likes me as a friend and that he’s not sure whether he would want to sleep with me and therefore ruin what we have. That he doesn’t want a relationship and he thinks that would hurt me and what not. I mean he was right. But when he asked me whether I’m okay with it I said I don’t know. I really don’t know what I expected. I just love to hold him and squeeze him and tickle him, because he hates it. But he has the worst mood swings ever – just like me. So this morning we woke up and ended up fighting and I stayed back to have a cry. That’s how much I’ve gotten to like him.

I just… I’ma little lost right now. I’m not sure whether I will EVER see him again. I even invited him over to my place, which.. I never do. But oh well.

Apart from that, I should’ve met the guy from the past, but he decided to just not reply to my text messages anymore, so that was a big failure. BUT I bumped into Bear and it was real fun, because once I was gone, he hit on me again on facebook. But we didn’t cross each others way again, so yeah.

I was just going through my overviews of guys and I felt the need to update you guys on every single one of them:

Jason – the one who lives 9000 miles away? – … after he was mad at me for cuddling with Bear at the end of August, we didn’t talk for about half a year I think. Suddenly in the beginning of this year, he started flirting with me again. Saying that I should come over and what else. I wasn’t sure what it meant, but oh well. Just a few days ago, he then told me that he wasn’t actually serious about it. That he had been hardcore flirting with every girl and he now deleted his profile, as he’s dating a girl and he doesn’t want to see her those things. I’m not so sure what to think about this, but well.. it’s fine for me.

As mentioned above, Bear. We haven’t talked in a while and I don’t think I will like.. get close to him ever. He did let me stay in his friend list on facebook when we was deleting a bunch of people off, which of course made me happy. But we don’t talk too much anymore. I MIGHT see him at the end of August again, but it’s a big festival so I might as well not bump into him. I wouldn’t even know what to do, so that’s okay.

The guy from the past? Amm… I don’t even remember when the last time was that we texted. It’s just so irregular and when he textes me, he usually is horny and wants me to come over, which will never happen. So yeah.

Kitty and I haven’t spoken in like a month or more. Even when he textes me, we can’t keep up a conversation, which makes it difficult. And I’m not really interested anymore anyway, so yeah. That one’s long gone, too.

On the other hand, Kevin has moved back from the ‘past guys’ to the ‘current ones’. I’m not sure why. I think his time abroad helped a little. Anyway, we’re talking again on a more or less regular basis and we get along perfectly. We still argue from time to time, but he apologized for making me angry about me job (although he keeps making fun of it)… but other than that, we’re on good terms. We’ll see if we ever date or what. Also he told me yesterday when I sent him a picture of me and my nephew (I kissed him on the cheek) that he’d turn his head 90°… so I was joking around “you’d break your neck!”… but yeah, he wanted to say that he’d kiss me. Which was a little awkward at first.

Then there’s Nutsy *sigh*. While I was on holidays last months, he texted me. He never textes me unless he’s bored. So I asked whether he was bored, and he was like “yeah, why?”.. so I told him, that he never ever textes me unless he’s bored. This made him quite angry and he hasn’t talked to me since.

Sir Neo… it’s not really about him but his best friend. I haven’t talked to Sir Neo for like a year or so. I don’t really miss him though, because now I see what kind of person he is. Which is very different to what I thought he’d be like. Anyways, so there’s that friend of his, I always thought of being very nice. But now I know why they’re best friends. He’s just as much a dick as Sir Neo is. So that’s crossed out on my list for sure.

We’ll yeah… and Gohan, Josh and the rest I haven’t mentioned. I’ve never talked to them anymore (and neither have they).

So this is kinda random. But whenever I see a picture of Bear my heart still starts racing… I don’t know why or the reason, because I am not in love with him. He just has this face I want to cuddle. But I don’t even know whether I’ll ever see him again.
Sad me.

I’m confused. Firstly I had a dream about Bear, which was weird because I haven’t talked to him in a while. Unlike any other dreams with guys I did NOT kiss him though.

Also I have been talking to a boy a lot lately. Call him Nutsy. So Nutsy and I have known eachother for… I can’t even recall. About 5 years at least. I have seen him last in 2008, so that’s been a while. I can’t even remember because I was drunk back then. I was friends with his ex-girlfriend. I don’t even know when and why we started chatting, but apparently… we did.
So we are flirting a lot. He keeps saying that he wants to kiss me. I told him today that I would feel really awkward if I’d walk into him because I wouldn’t know how to (re)act. He didn’t say anything about it. He also once said that if we’d bump into each other on a festival he couldn’t assure me to NOT touch/kiss me.
So this has been my flirty partner for a while now and there was a time I felt really bad for using him just to keep my mind off. But lately I kinda wish that I’d meet him and have the chance to actually kiss him. I wouldn’t know if we could get into a relationship or whether it would be just fun, but I want him. Anyway, I can’t. I’m busy till the end of April and I don’t think he wants to start dating anyway, so yeah.

Oh shoot, it’s been long. But like I told my friend yesterday, there is literally nothing going on in my life. It has been BORINGaaall the way.

But do you remember Bear? The one I cuddled with, the first night we met? The one who seemed to dump me for another girl, who actually was his friend and that’s why we didn’t hook up? Anyway, after a couple of failures in getting him to date me, I gave up on him. I gave up on trying to talk to him. So I didn’t even talk to him for ages. Lately he has been texting me again. Asking about how I am, and that the festival is coming up soon again (soon as in half a year away, silly boy)… we still talk about this night, which is weird. But it’s funny anyway. But this whole texting confuses me. Why does he keep talking to me when he wasn’t interested in more than sex in the first place? I let him down when he tried it, and 5 months later he still keeps in contact? This can’t be normal, right?

But apart from that nothing really is going on. I haven’t met anyone new or talking to a boy on a regular basis. And I feel freakin lonely lately. Most of my friends have boy/girlfriends now and of course they spend most of their time with’em. I don’t have a problem with that, I just keep asking myself why I just don’t seem to be good enough for anyone. It’s frustrating. Damn.

Is it normal to feel weird about something you’ve done when you think about it later on? I didn’t actually feel weird or awkward about the situation when it was happening. But now when I’m thinking about, I’m kinda embarrassed.

I’ve flirted with a classmate last week. He has a girlfriend and I’m not even interested in him in any kind of way, but we just do that. He pulled me closer to hug me. He sat on me. He did sexual things to me and it was fun. But now that I think about it, it’s so WEIRD? I mean, he’s my SCHOOLMATE. What the heck.

Also I’m going on a trip in a week with some schoolmates and it’s weird to see them 24/7. I do look forward to it, but it’s gonna be awkward. And I should not get drunk, because I know they have challenged eachother to “get me”, because there are only a few girls and well.. I said I’d never start something with a schoolmate. Man, it’s all awkward.

Oh and I texted Bear yesterday. He was being bitchy once again, so I’ll just hang on and wait until he messages me next time. Also I met a guy at work – I think I’ve mentioned him before – anyway. I run into him the other day and we chatted for a half hour. Who knows. He’s cute.

Nothing has happened really. I texted Josh several times, just to receive more or less one-word-replies, so I gave up on this one. It’s not quite as hard as I thought it would be, I mean it was all cute when we used to write, but we didn’t match that good to be sad about being dumped, really. We had a fun time, I guess that was it. At least he’s a good guy and does answer, although he does let me feel that he’s done with us.

Jason keeps making comments about me, without mentioning my name – as if I wouldn’t notice. He also keeps getting wasted every weekend now, but I actually don’t give a fuck anymore. I know he’s childish, but I didn’t think he’d react like a 6-year-old to what I’ve done. And I do answer to every message he sends me, so we haven’t talked in a while.. guess he isn’t up to it anymore. Oh and by the way, I will definitely NOT go to his place on Christmas, because my friend now has a boyfriend and whatever. I might go on holidays with Mr. Cucu instead – yes he is still alive and still in MY life. I was quite surprised when he offered to go on holidays with me when we watched a movie yesterday.

Okay this turns out to be an update on everybody I ever talked about on here, so let’s be clean and do EVERY single guy: Sir Neo apparently has a girlfriend now, although I do not know for sure. I couldn’t care less either, because he didn’t feel the need to ever write again. So that’s okay. The guy from the past is ignoring me, too. I texted him a week ago. He did reply, but just once. So I was like “well then, don’t talk to me!”, didn’t make a change either.

Bear hasn’t messaged me yet either. Me neither. I could text him tonight, like I usually do.. but I think I will actually wait till he’s up to writing with me this time. I still would love to see him and see how we match in real life, without being drunk and stuff, but it’s okay if he doesn’t want to. And I don’t want to make him feel weird around me. I am surprised that we still do talk though, I would’ve never guessed so after that weekend. But there has to be SOMETHING he’s interested in, otherwise he’d just ignore me. Right? I don’t know, he’s weird.

I’ll just stay forever alone in the mean time *sigh* or maybe I magically get to know a boy who’s actually interested and not making a huge mess outta everything. I did meet a cute guy at work, but I feel like a total creeper to add him on facebook, so yeah…