The Bachelor 4/07/08 Recap: The Wizard of Ho’s

Chris Harrison opens tonight’s show by reminding us that last week Matt and Holly “rocked” the suspiciously empty elegant red carpet at a movie premiere. Also, ABC arranged a mock rugby game so Matt could observe the ladies tackling each other while wearing short shorts enjoying his favorite sport. Robin became Public Enemy #1 in the bachelorette house as she went full throttle into got-to-get-my-man mode. By the way, am I the only one who thought it odd that Chris didn’t mention Shayne and Matt’s one-on-one date in Ojai? I’m also disappointed we weren't reminded that she’s an admitted compulsive shopper when it comes to shoes, handbags, sunglasses and watches. *sigh*

There’s More than One Way to Have an Exhibition

Chris addresses the ladies about what to expect - there will be one group date, a special one-on-one date, and a two-on-one date. He leaves them with the warning that at the end of the two-on-one date, one lady will receive a rose, and the other will be sent home. As everyone groans, Chris, not being one to mince words, lightheartedly tells them to enjoy the week, and says he will be seeing most of them at the next rose ceremony.

Marshana has the honor of reading the first date invitation, which is addressed to Kelly, Chelsea, Shayne, Ashlee, Noelle and Robin. It reads, “I’m looking for the perfect match. Love, Matt.” They tear into the box which holds a tennis racket and teacups. I’m hopeful they’ll be bashing dishes with tennis rackets but realize I’m way off when someone guesses they’ll be playing tennis and having “high tea.” I laugh, though, when Shayne asks "what’s high tea," and the ultra-cultured Robin explains it’s a tradition at “Wimbleton.” Hee.

They gather at a private estate, complete with swans, manicured greens and a freshly marked clay tennis court. We see several clips of Noelle and Robin missing return shots to Matt as they volley back and forth, and not surprisingly Shayne is more concerned with the fit of her tennis skirt than the actual sport. She’s especially annoyed when she discovers Ashlee is good at tennis, sniping that she’s heard all about Ashlee’s “many” talents. Kelly thinks she’s the best player among them, and to prove her point, raises her tennis skirt to show off one of her ass-ets...talk about your tennis exhibitions. *ba dum ching* Chelsea’s a decent player, and Matt comments that she looks “ridiculously hot” as she plays. But she and Shayne have come up with Plan B for getting Matt’s attention, and ask him to judge their considerable skills at performing handstands, and Shayne tosses in several back flips for good measure. Men love the bendy women, so I’m willing to venture a guess that there’s no way Matt will be sending either of these two women home this week. Robin thinks it’s an obnoxious cry for attention, but I'm thinking she’s just pissed off because she didn’t think of it first.

Ashlee is thrilled to be the first lady Matt asks to take a stroll with him because she doesn’t like “sloppy seconds.” Wow, she obviously isn’t aware of all the action this bloke’s been getting because judging by my calculations she’s much closer to “sloppy thirty-seconds.” Although she’s 22, she’s very much still a giggly little girl, and when Matt mentions she takes everything in stride, she doesn’t understand the phrase. Matt tells us he’s attracted to her physically, and that he’s mesmerized when she sings which makes me wonder - is that a good or bad thing? Either way, it certainly explains why he hasn’t noticed she can’t talk to him without giggling or batting her eyes. She sings for him, then they kiss and it occurs to me, could he be kissing her as a way to prevent her from singing? Just a thought - discuss amongst yourselves. The other ladies peek at the couple and Chelsea points out how ridiculous it is that Ashlee is wearing a push-up bra under her sports bra. Shayne, who coincidentally is also 22 and seems much more composed in comparison, says Ashlee acts like a child. No kidding.

With tennis out of the way, Matt walks everyone over to a small lake which is home for many beautiful swans. A table is set with tea (I’m especially amused that Fleiss chose the Royal Albert Old Country Roses china pattern - rather nicely covers both the English and Rose themes of this season, don’t you think?) and scones which confirms that yes, that ARE feeding the gals this season. Brilliant! Robin blathers on at length about how special it is that her parents drink tea in place of coffee, and explains in full detail about their arduous journey to find the perfect teapot. The ladies are extremely annoyed, but Matt is unaffected. Perhaps he’s still mesmerized by Ashlee’s most recent ditty echoing in his head.

Robin (also 22) breaks through his fog, however, when she takes him aside for some private time. She snickers when Matt teases her about some of the English mannerisms she must have picked up when she lived there years ago. He acknowledges the other girls give her a hard time, but says the two of them have a connection (drink!) and he likes spending time with her. She says things are getting harder for her because she’s falling hard for him. They return to the group and when Matt walks off with Noelle, Shayne explains to Robin that she should allow the other ladies some time with Matt. Robin says, “I’m not here to play fair, darling,” to which Shayne responds, in that case don’t be surprised to learn the others gossip about you, then. A crying Robin, explains she doesn’t have a lot of women friends, and therefore, doesn’t know how to interact with women. *rolleyes* Shayne, proving she’s a true Southern California gal, says, “I didn’t want to make you cry, dude,” which cracks me up. Robin tells us later she feels completely alone, and I'm thinking perhaps she should hook up with BB9 James, since he complains of being on an island on Big Brother.

Matt, who has had a wonderful time, gathers everyone around him and thanks them for a brilliant day. He tells Chelsea she played a terrific game of tennis, especially considering she’d never played before. Not only that, she looked great sipping tea (is that an unusual skill?), and she’s completely charmed him with her “beautiful nature.” With that he gives her the rose and a very tickled Chelsea accepts. In private, Ashlee wonders if what they (she and Matt) had means nothing. Yes, Ashlee, I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying - now let’s see you write a song about that.

Casa de Malcontents I

Holly brings in the solo date box which is addressed to Amanda. The invitation reads, “Our future together begins with a trip to the past.” Although Amanda is thrilled to learn she’ll be on the one-on-one date, Holly and Marshana have already moved on and are more concerned that this means they’ll be going on the two-on-one date, and one of them will be going home. Marshana is stressed because she knows Holly and Matt had a private date last week, so she is definitely feeling like the underdog.

Grease Putz is the Word

Holly helps Amanda prepare for her date, and even though her meeps are acting up, Amanda has decided to go for the role of “hot bad girl” tonight. Matt arrives in a 1950’s convertible and tells Amanda he feels like the Fonz. Interesting. He may be wearing the leather jacket but honestly, he looks more like Ralph Malph to me. They head over to Ricky and Ronnies, a 1950’s diner in Torrance, CA for some good old-fashioned burgers. The rose is already waiting for them on the table but Amanda tries to distract herself and shares a few good-natured barbs with Matt. Later he wants to dance, and asks Amanda to teach him some steps, but try as she might, Amanda declares him the worst. dancer. ever! Matt says he and Amanda have a lot in common (is he implying her dancing stinks, too?) and he offers the rose to her. She happily accepts and they share a kiss.

The couple then heads off for the Santa Monica Pier which has been shut down so they can enjoy the park alone (frankly it looks like it might have been more fun with others around). They share roller coaster rides, eventually ending up on the Ferris wheel which pauses when they reach the top. They kiss and snuggle as they admire the view of the surrounding city lit up at night. Amanda tells us she’s definitely falling for Matt and hopes he feels the same way.

Cooking Up Trouble

Holly and Marshana’s date box arrives, and Shayne (clad in a fur coat -what’s up with that?) reads the card - “Only one rose, one stays and one goes.” The ‘box’ is a huge soup pot filled with cooking utensils, aprons and chef hats. The mood is somber, however, because everyone sadly understands that either Holly or Marshana will be going home after the date. Or almost everyone. Robin makes no bones about the fact that it’s every ‘man’ for himself, and she wants both of them gone. Let’s face it - they may all be thinking that, but at least the others have the good sense to keep it to themselves. Marshana is not about to let Robin off easy, and says if she (Robin) were in her (Marshana’s) shoes, she’d understand why she’s so stressed out. For added emphasis, she throws down an egg beater from the date box, then gives one of the ickiest camera breakdowns, ever. In her confessional she looks directly into the camera and says, “please pick me, pick me, pick me, see how beautiful I am, see how wonderful I am, see how much I care. I am trying hard and I am digging deep, and I am only trying this hard, and I’m only digging this deep because I really do like Matt.” Ack, she’s a mess. I should know better by now, but once again I’m stunned to watch the inevitable breakdown of what appears to be a woman who has her act together, as she vies for a man she hardly knows. It literally makes me cringe, and I have to stifle the compulsion to call my daughter, reiterating for the thousandth time, don't grovel for a man's affection. Ever. *shudder*

Three’s a Crowd

As Holly prepares for their date, she confides to us that she truly believes she has something special with Matt. She and Marshana place their suitcases at the front door (can you imagine how much luggage would be at the bottom of the stairs if it were Shayne going on this date?). I try to see if the secret spray-tanner machine is amongst their belongings, but I swear the cameraman is intentionally evasive. It’s a quiet drive for the two of them as they’re chauffeured to Matt’s house.

Since this is a Fleiss production, Matt has lit candles placed around the entire house, and the table is perfectly set. The three of them sit down to dinner, and Matt asks how they’d feel about living in the U.K. Marshana jumps in first saying there’s nothing keeping her in New York. Holly counters by outrageously saying she wanted to move to London even before meeting Matt. Really? Marshana ups the ante by saying she’s 100% fully prepared, and capable, of sustaining whatever connection (drink!) they form here. Rather than creating her own come-back, Holly simply states, “ditto,” but does add she could survive anywhere as long as she was with Matt. Matt tells us that after dinner he had to get some private time with each of the ladies in order to get “clarity.” Apparently in England, the phrase “get clarity” is the same as “get lucky” here in the U.S. *thumbs up*

Matt and Marshana sit in front of a fire and I have to say, Marshana is a beautiful woman when she’s not sporting the Bedazzled jewels all over her skin. They finally share their first kiss which Matt describes as “nice.”

In order to get greater “clarity” with Holly, he chats with her while they’re sprawled out on his bed, which reminds me of that old line, “lay down, I want to talk to you,” heheh. He admits he has a boring side (was there really any doubt?) and likes to keep informed about what’s happening in the Middle East or the Brazilian financial market. Holly assures him that’s okay because she has a boring side too (again, did anyone really doubt this?), and likes to stay home watching movies. He then admits he likes challenging questions and asks if she has any for him. It’s probably curtains for her when she says she can’t think of any, but she does want him to know she cares deeply for him. He musters the strength to kiss her anyway, and the camera fades.

Casa de Malcontents II

Back at the mansion, the ladies are discussing who will be returning from the date. Shayne is certain it will be Holly because after their one-on-one date in Hollywood last week, she told Shayne the date went “fabulously.” I wonder if she’s not merely hoping Holly returns just so she’ll continue to have access to the tanner, heh. But the general consensus seems to be that you just never know. Dun. Dun. Dun…

Time to Get Cooking

Once again the three dinner guests sit together and Matt tells Marshana that she’s gone out of her way to impress him and he feels privileged to know her. He tells Holly she always puts a smile on his face which puts a beaming smile on her face. He offers the rose to Marshana, and in one of the more classy bachelorette moves we’ve ever witnessed, she actually controls her excitement showing sincere compassion toward Holly who looks about to cry. Matt walks Holly out the door, telling her he’s had a great physical attraction to her (is there a woman alive he doesn’t feel physically attracted to?) but says he found some of their conversations stilted. Holly’s crushed, but wishes him the best and climbs into the limo. Once inside, she says she’s shocked and feels stupid now for putting her heart out there. She's a sweet girl, and I wish her all the best, but is it wrong for me to be hoping we get to see Shayne’s reaction when she realizes her personal spray-tanner assistant has left the building?

Once Matt and Marshana are alone, they get down to the business of 'getting clarity' in private, well except for the cameramen, the lighting guys, the boom operators, etc, etc.

Casa de Malcontents III

The nondescript Luggage Boy enters the house and when the ladies see him removing Holly’s suitcase, they are stunned. I think I caught a glimpse of Shayne collapsing in the background, heheh.

Ho, Say Did You See (those boobs)!

Everyone is dolled up but tensions are high in the house and each of them displays their nervousness differently. Amanda’s got a bad case of the meeps, Chelsea is simply confused about who might be going home, and Kelly is, well, sloshed. It’s obvious Marshana Bedazzles when nervous because once again she’s littered in jewels on her forehead, the part in her hair and draped around her neck. Oy.

Matt arrives and tells us the one-on-one time is very important tonight because he’ll be discarding (well, in all fairness, 'discarding' is my word choice, heh) two women at the end of the night. He walks into the room greeted by howls and applause as usual, but he starts the night off seriously when he says the previous night was very difficult for him. He assures the women he’s truly there for love. Um hm. Love of 'clarity', I suppose.

His first private time is with Ashlee and he tells her they have a great connection (drink!) but he wonders if there could be more to their relationship. She giggles and says they should spend an entire day together and, like, find out! He asks if she’s ever lived away from family before and she says yes, she’s always away…singing, you know. He puts her on the spot and asks what if she moved to England and her music career didn’t pan out? She just can’t imagine that happening and declares, “but it would work!” *giggle*

Noelle (who’s this Noelle woman?) is up next and she’s worried because she hasn’t spent much time with him. He lets her know there’s great potential for them to share something special (I’ll bet there is), and he wants her to open up more to him (I'll bet he does).

When Matt and a well-oiled Kelly have their private moment, she opens the conversation by sarcastically thanking him for fitting her in, hee. He thinks she’s the life of the party but feels she’s more interested in the group of girls than him. Really? My guess would be that she’s more interested in the booze than any of them. Let’s face it - she’s in heaven living in this estate -complete with swimming pool and well-stocked liquor cabinets. In the middle of their discussion, Kelly suddenly rips open her shirt exposing her ample boobage and just in case Matt has poor eyesight, she slurs, “I have very large breaschts.” I suppose somewhere in Kelly’s hooch-marinated brain this makes sense, but Matt appears to be appalled. I do wonder, however, if the cameras weren’t there would he have had a different reaction? She then almost falls over, which isn’t easy considering she’s sitting down, but the good news is she most likely won’t remember any of this the following morning. Of course there is that slight problem of the cameras capturing the whole scene and airing it on television, but with any luck she can really tie one on and forget the whole incident entirely.

Shayne takes her turn with Matt and tells him she knows what she’s feeling toward him, and hopes he feels the same. She coyly teases him by saying he should simply send all the other women home already, but very quickly reverts back to what she knows best, and turns into a little sex kitten, snuggling up to him. I’m pretty sure I heard her purring at one point, and as they kiss, guitars begin plucking in the background. For some strange reason, the camera pans down her leg, zooming in on her shoes (which are black patent-leather six-inch stilettos) which makes me wonder - has she been bribing the cameramen to show off her massive shoe collection?

There’s Always a Party Pooper

Chris Harrison finally makes his appearance, signaling the time for the Rose Ceremony. He reminds us that Chelsea, Amanda and Marshana already have roses, which means two ladies will be going home. The first rose goes to Shayne, followed by Robin, and the final rose goes to Noelle. Ashlee is crushed but Kelly seems unaffected. Of course, with all that booze in her, it’s a good guess she just isn’t cognizant of what’s occurring. Marshana rushes over to hug Ashlee and Noelle offers words of comfort, too. It appears Kelly has finally grasped what just happened, and she tells the camera, “any dude would want to date me - hello-o?” Ashlee whimpers to us that she’s longing to find someone who will see her for more than just a singer/songwriter. Then in direct contradiction with what she just uttered, she breaks out into a few verses of some ridiculous insipid song. Future Bachelor hopefuls please note: this is not American Idol, people!

The six amazing (drink!) women toast with Matt, and previews show the gang snow skiing next week. Oh, and Marshana goes ballistic on Chelsea. Yippee! Tonight’s outtake is a clip of Chelsea and Amanda returning their roses to Matt because he’s such a lousy dancer, hee. So, what do you think? Is Ashlee currently writing a dagger-filled song about Matt? Let me know via a pm here.

Re: The Bachelor 4/07/08 Recap: The Wizard of Ho’s

Roses,
You got me at the title..."Wizard of Ho's". I must admit they are giving you great material to write about this season and I loved your description of Kelly opening her blouse.......just hilarious. Great stuff, Roses. Its better than a soap opera......I look forward to next week to see more fireworks.
Hawktree.
p.s. Despite Holly's apparent lack of rapport with Matt, I can't for the life of me understand why he chose to keep Marshanna around for another week. I just *cant* see her and Matt as a married couple, going down to the corner pub in London for a pint. :-)