Im at a table! a new women shows up: she's not bad looking! she heads toward my table and asks if she can sit down. She does...

I then do something Im not used to doing with dissociative disorder! I glance at her, she glances at me! At that moment. I stop, reach my hand over, and introduce myself. I shake her hand!

At that moment the first thing that comes to mind! did I wash my cloths.. I realize things are better in the washing department, but not good enough! I now some of my clothing has that apartment sent! I become self conscious and pull back! I watch to see if she touches her nose! Im very self conscious about this! Im attempting to see if my clothing has offended her! I think it might! I will never know! Im to self conscious about it!

Its all learning! at some point I will wash my cloths at a better rate and not have problems.. Im working on it!

I look at this women and ask if this is her first time here! She replies "it is" I notice papers in her hands; a handout possibly. She is a student and the assignment is the 12 step group! Im almost certain this is why she is here..

And I begin to feel it! The dissociative disorder hits hard! I collapse inside. I feel like a mouse! I cannot move! the PTSD worlds are carving a hole through me and taking me back to many places I do not want to go!

Dissociative disorder is triggered when I reach over hand shook her hand! I was to physically close and began to shut down!

What do I do next:

I pulled my chair away from the table and sat! I then got up and went to the back of the room. Im standing in the back of the room having coffee.. after 15 minutes I return and sit down at the same table by the young women as before.

In the past I would never have introduced myself. it would have been impossible to open up at close proximity.

In the past I would have been in the freeze state and not be able to move!

In the past I would have freaked and left and never come back!

In the past I would not have returned for a year!

In the present today I tackled many things, I was assertive, I broke the 2 foot personal barrier, I had a crisis, I solved it by walking away, yet I did not leave the building, and after 15 minutes I returned.

I then accessed the situation that I could learn from it!

Im now at the point of interaction; its all practice at this point.

Although I could introduce myself, I could not small talk with someone! and this will require more learning and practice. I can do this!

Ive been working on this stuff for 5 years! Ive been on dates and made it through! Im now reaching my hand out to complete strangers... So, this next step can be done with practice.

accepting the truth of this condition is very hard! its embarrassing and humiliating... Its demoralizing! and " so what". Ill do it anyway! I will do the work, one step at a time to stay interactive at close range with complete strangers... Its all hard work!