Mitt Romney to Make Necessary Changes to Son's Birth Certificate

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Mitt Romney, under increasing pressure to keep certain details about his past a secret, decided to sit down with his son, Matt Romney, and have a chat last week, according to a witness.

"First of all, don't talk about Mormons," said the Republican presidential hopeful. "I do not wish to address that issue, so keep quiet! Not even a BYU co-ed joke, do you understand?"

His son replied, "Okay, dad."

"And don't talk about Mexico," he added. "You remember why your great-grandfather was in Mexico now, right? And how that ties in with the Mormon thing?"

"Sure, dad," said Matt.

"And not one peep about Barack Obama's birth certificate," added Romney. "You remember now that your grandfather ran for president, right? And the reason he was born in Mexico? Because your great-grandfather practiced polygamy, and because that's why they were there in the first place? And how that all sort of ties together?"

"Okay, dad," was the reply.

"Do you even remember what polygamy means?" Romney asked skeptically.

"Don't worry, dad. I'm not a idiot."

That's when, according to one witness, Romney noticed his son was wearing a Brigham Young University jersey and drinking Mexican hot chocolate out of an Obama campaign mug featuring a reproduction of the President's birth certificate.

"Goddammit!! Didn't you hear a word I just said!?" Romney screamed, slapping his son into next week.

A witness will say he saw the Republican presidential hopeful standing over his son waiting for him when he arrived today, if all goes as expected.

"Here," Romney will likely say, handing Matt a brand new birth certificate with the date of birth advanced seven days to reflect this most recent event. "Just so there won't be any questions.