Extreme beauty: Vanessa Wilde's secret diary

In which Vanessa learns to talk dirty  and to look at fruit in an entirely new way

I like to think I give very good phone. I ought to — phone sex is practically the only sex I get with Rafi. But Emma Blyton-Chaudhuri got me wondering last week. She was going on and on about these amazing talking-dirty lessons she’s had — well one, actually — at some erotic classes, held at Soho House and arranged by Coco de Mer, the designer sex-and-scanties shop. They’ve started salons on seduction, stripping and tantric sex, and even on spanking: apparently, there are all these brilliant erotic nerve endings in your bottom, which I didn ’t realise. That explains a lot.

Anyway, Emma went off to Talking Dirty: Finding Your Erotic Voice — I bet her posh, Home Counties erotic voice is unbelievably difficult to find — and came back saying it was fantastic. “You can’t imagine, Vanessa,” she trilled. “It sounds weird, but it’s so great.”