Saturday, 9 November 2013

Cookbook: Heavenly Homeburgers

There are certain phenomena
which - immediately on appearance – cause a feeling of utter and profound revulsion
in the breast of any gourmet cook, dear reader. One of those things is, for
instance, the sight of a jar of pre-fab Yoghonaise, that horrid bottled brew
for which innocent Mayonnaise gets smothered in an mudslide of acid dairy
product, before being passed off as a health
product to unsuspecting customers who know no better since they’ve been watching
Hollywood sitcoms all their lives…

Another such sight which will make an honest cook puke, is the culinary
metamorphosis of a pre-packed supermarket hamburger, freshly ripped from its shell
of protective plastic that stops the rot for three months without
refrigeration. Once dropped into a smudgy frying pan full of sizzling motor
oil, such a slab of shredded animal first exudes half a pint of milky water,
and then begins to ooze fat, and more fat, and more fat still, until the ‘meat’
turns to an honest pink hue which will never ever change to crispy brown but
will only burn black at the outer edges.

What parent, what spouse, what cook worth his salt or caring
householder with a conscience would ever serve such matter to his loved ones, dear reader? And again: WHY would he or she ever even contemplate
such a line of action? For – if one really must serve hamburgers (and those of
you who have children know there is no escaping this Existential Obligation…) –
nothing is easier than to create your very own burger, with your very own
hands, using your own carefully selected ingredients, to produce steaks of a
good taste and a pleasant appearance. Not so much hamburgers, therefore, but… Homeburgers!

Let old Alfred help you by pointing out the two or three easy steps towards
a dish which is tastier, healthier, cheaper and ultimately more satisfying.

Step 1: meat ball on plastic foil

Go to a reliable butcher, and ask the attendant to make, in front of
you from choice cuts, some 75-100 grams of quality minced meat per diner. Chop
¼ of a medium sized onion per person into very small pieces. Put the minced
meat and the onion into a bowl. Add one egg for every three people. Add a
modest spoonful of nutmeg and salt to taste (err on the generous side, for
minced meat somehow tends to obliterate salt).

NB 1: Other spices
(pepper, cumin, curry, garam masala) may be added to the mix if you so desire,
but personally I find they are unnecessary for a nice Homeburger (whose taste,
after all, ought to stay close to the natural flavour of meat).

NB 2: It is a customary
procedure to add bread crumbs to the minced meat if one wants to increase the
mass and make the meatballs a little more ‘fluffy’. However, I discovered that
it is far more efficient and tasty to use Danish ‘knäckebrot’ for that purpose. Just break it into pieces, and smash
it to smithereens in a mortar.

Step 2: fold the plastic foil over the meat ball

Now take out common plastic foil and cut off a square sheet. Roll a
firm meatball between your (wet!) hands. Put this a little to the side of the
centre of the plastic, and fold the sheet over it. Press on top of it with the
palm of your hand, flattening the meatball into the round hamburger shape of
some 2 cm thickness. (Look: even a little brat like Hannibal, educated in the
Portuguese schooling system, manages to pulls it off!) Next adjust the edges of
your Homeburger by pressing them towards the centre and kneading a little.

Step 3: flatten the ball into a burger

Now: if wish to freeze your Homeburgers for later use, fold in the
three edges of the plastic foil that stick out; then stack up the Homeburgers
and put them together in a plastic bag before depositing them in the freezer.
That way they keep their shape perfectly, and they won’t stick together. So you
can always take out one, or two, or more from the stack, without having to
de-freeze the lot.

4a: wrapped and ready for freezing

If, one the other hand, you are going to fry the Homeburgers
immediately, carefully peel back the sheet of plastic, transfer the burger to a
plate (preferably oiled so that it will not stick), and re-use the same sheet
of plastic foil for the next procedure. No reason to burden this poor tormented
world with more plastic than strictly practical, right?

4b: fry.

Once you have all the Homeburgers you need, fry them in a minimum of
oil until no more RED juices escape from the holes pricked with a fork (if no
juices escape anymore at all, you’ve overcooked them!)

Put the meat on hamburger buns (prefab or of your own making) and
decorate with garnish and sauces to your own heart’s delight.

1 comment:

So. I'm having a thought Mr. Mittington. The 5 year plan could be the revolutionary range of Mittington Mayo on store shelves world-wide. But the 10 year plan could evolve into a chain of Bistros... simple, but elegant!