Parental presence: step-by-step

Everyone’s telling you to leave your baby to cry it out and eventually she will sleep but you know you can’t do it. Both you and your baby are finding this way too distressing.

Plus she’s always gone to sleep happily in your arms, so both of you are struggling to manage the drop-and-run concept of putting your baby in her cot and leaving the room.

However, you believe the time has come for your littlie to learn to self-settle both at bedtime and when she wakes during the night. If this sounds like you, the parental presence option for settling your baby may work for you.

NSW parent education organisations Karitane and Tresillian have worked together to come up with both the name, parental presence, for this method as well as a step-by-step process.

It’s been found to be useful in settling children aged from six months to two years, and involves a parent staying in the room and providing the minimal amount of reassurance necessary to give their baby a chance to learn to fall asleep by herself.

Five things to do before you start

Make sure you do your research or chat to someone at Karitane or Tresillian, both of which provide advice via helplines and emails. Make sure you have your head around this method and you feel it’s right for you and your bub.

Miracles rarely happen overnight so you will need to put aside at least a week to give this a good shot at success. So clear your calendar of any nighttime activities.

Make sure you and your partner are on the same page with this. And remember, methods for settling babies often inspire debate. If you plan to commit to the parental presence approach, ignore the comments for others.

You will need to place some comfortable bedding for yourself – that is somewhere for you to sleep – in your baby’s room in order to use this strategy effectively.

While the room should be darkened, it is also important that there is enough light for your baby to be able to see you. You may need a night light.

How it works

Here’s the step-by-step guide to enacting parental presence, as promoted by Karitane and Tresillian:

Lie down in view of your baby and pretend to be asleep.

If she wakes, let her know you are still in the room with a quick cough or by rolling over.

If your baby needs comforting use the minimal amount of reassurance necessary, with the aim of keeping her in the cot and then lie down and pretend to be asleep again.

Wait until she is asleep before leaving the room during the day and sleep in the same room as her during the night for approximately one week.

Try to be consistent. If you feel at any time that you or your baby have had enough or she remains distressed and shows no signs of calming, stop and try again next sleep time.

Knowing when it’s a success or not

According to Tresillian’s Director of Nursing and Clinical Services, Anne Partridge, there’s a magic number of uninterrupted nights to aim for – three.

And Monica Hughes, Karitane’s Manager of Education and Research, adds that even if that magic number is reached in as many days, parents are still advised to stay sleeping in the room for the week.

“Try to persist for at least one week,” Monica says. “Once your baby has three consecutive nights of relatively uninterrupted sleep you can begin to leave the room before she is asleep and sleep in your own bedroom at night.”

Both organisations recommend mums and dads try parental presence for a maximum of four weeks. If it hasn’t worked, seek advice on a different settling strategy or give it a break and start again at a later stage.