If you criticize Vanessa Hudgens' weight, she will pop a cap in your ass. Kate Hudson is engaged. Beyonce gets sued for ruining Christmas. Will.i.Am cleans his butt with baby wipes. Wednesday gossip takes it to the streets.

Vanessa Hudgens, street-wise starlet: "I can get very gangster at times. I used to be very timid. Now I'm my own person. I don't feel pressure to look a certain way. My weight fluctuates, like any normal girl. If anyone told me to lose weight, I'd say 'fuck you' and walk away." In the blood-in blood-out world of red carpet stardom, "you're fat" is the equivalent of a drive-by shooting. Every time a starlet slaughters a paparazzo, she gets another vapid phrase tattooed in cursive somewhere on her person. What, you thought LiLo's ink was just for show? Hardscrabble tween icons earn that shit on the mean streets of Rodeo Drive, in between white goo binges and sexting marathons. [Starpulse, image via Getty]

Speaking of Lindsay Lohan, she wants an Oscar. [P6]

Video game company Gate Five filed a $100 million lawsuit against "diva grinch" Beyonce for making an "extortionate demand for entirely new compensation" at a "crucial moment" in the development of would-be dance game "Starpower: Beyonce." The result was "a bad faith breach of contract" that "drove 70 people into unemployment, the week before Christmas," they say. But the real victim is the gaming public, forever deprived of the opportunity to learn the moves to "Single Ladies" while a pigtailed avatar in aggressively trendy outfits shout out-of-date slang phrases in encouragement. And lo, how Tiny Tim trembled as he wept, "God bless us bootyliciousness, every one." [P6]

Catherine Zeta-Jones wasn't going to go public with her treatment for bipolar disorder until a fellow patient "outed" here, says husband Michael Douglas, who is "so proud" of his wife for "taking care" of herself. "My oldest son is in federal prison, my ex-wife is suing me and I got cancer. It's kind of hard for the wife to say, 'I'm depressed,'" he explains. [P6]

Kate Hudson is engaged to baby-daddy-to-be Matt Bellamy. She showed off her "ginormous" square-cut engagement ring on the Today Show. [Us, Radar]

If Michael Jackson's mother died, Diana Ross would get his kids. It's not like they'd ever have a normal life, anyway. [Radar]

Will.i.Am says ladies should never own condoms ("that's just tacky") but should clean their butts with baby wipes: "Here's proof on why people should have baby wipes. Get some chocolate, wipe it on a wooden floor, and then try to get it up with some dry towels. You're going to get chocolate in the cracks. That's why you gotta get them baby wipes." So, this is his way of telling us he prefers oral ass play to vaginal penetration, right? [Elle]

Christina Aguilera on singing the wrong verses at the Super Bowl: "I took in the moment a little bit too much. Shoot me for appreciating the moment but here I am at the Super Bowl, singing for a team and in front of the world… I have a really good laugh about it, and you get over things. You get back up again and you just prove to yourself and to everyone you are that much stronger." Don't hate her because she forgets lyrics. Hate her because she breaks into the lyrics mid-conversation. [Celebitchy]

Swimsuit model Chrissy Teigen: "If u told me I could have 1 kid, but it would be exactly like avril [Lavigne], I would choose to have a barren, sterile existence that ends when I die." I don't know, an ultra-rich child to care for you in your old age doesn't sound too bad. You'll be deaf by the end, anyway. In other @ChrissyTeigen news, she wants to give Donald Trump a "nutkick." [@ChrissyTeigen, E!]

Speaking of Twitter fights, Paris Hilton's response to Sarah Shahi's Twitter rant about Paris running her over with her car: "I wasn't even driving that day… Maybe it was some other blonde girl who looked like me. There are a lot of Paris Hilton lookalikes, who do it for a living. They're always doing things and I'm getting blamed for it." When the Apocalypse begins, a herd of Paris Hiltons will come down from the mountains. They will raze our homes and slaughter our children. They will drive Ferraris and smash our churches. You think that hit-and-run was bad, Sarah Shahi? Just wait until a chain gang of Paris Hiltons descends on your home in the middle of the night. [Extra]

Scarlett Johansson says "every day with Sean [Penn] is an education equivalent to a college course—he's so worldly and knowledgeable." Ugh. I can't even. Next: "Even though marriage seems to be on Sean's mind and he's pushing things a little fast, Scarlett's doing her best to hold him off at the pass." Fine. [Enquirer, Celebitchy]