This Week on, “Ask Hottywood!”

Someone lied on me and I’m ready to go #%@ them up! Please talk me out of it for their sake.

Mean Left Hook

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Dear Mean Left Hook,

You don’t need advice to prevent you from fighting, otherwise the time you spent sending in this cry for help would’ve been spent smearing vaseline all over your face to avoid scratches and bruises. What you need is someone to keep the engine running on your get-away car.

All jokes aside, there is no reason under the sun to let anyone pull you out of your character. But if you must stoop to their level and result to violence, I want you to listen to that faint little voice in your head that screams, “Nothing says maturity like getting hauled off by the cops for physical assault.” What good is revenge if your ass is rotting away in somebody’s jail cell with a boyfriend named Lumpy Butter who knits and cracks skulls for trade?

Seriously, why bother to get all bent out of shape unless the lie is really the truth? And even if it is the truth, own up to the consequences of your bad choices.

Whatever the case, if you must confront the person who is badmouthing you, a small threat accompanied with a baseball bat scotch-taped to the back of your belt (just for scaring effects) would suffice. Anything more than that will not only reduce your age to your shoe size, but will defer the untruth about your incident to your level of maturity and inability to make smarter decisions. So no matter how you spin it, people are going to be talking about you.

Now if you really want to take the high road, then you should be cognizant enough to realize that someone gave a damn about you enough to lie on you in the first place. After all, it’s when people stop talking about you that you should worry. Take that lie as a compliment. It means you’re relevant. Whoever is lying on you is using your celebrity to keep up with you and keep their name pumping with a pulse. The only time a liar is as important as a lie itself is when the liar and the lied on come together to duke it out in the battle of ‘your word against mine.’ And that’s not even important unless there’s someone around to witness it.

To make a long story short, don’t feed into no bullsh*t. Fueling someone else’s fire will only burn you in the end. All will be told when the scroll unfolds so sit back and chillax. Whoever is attempting to feed you to the wolves will be the first hit on Karma’s list. And believe me, watching them being attacked by their own karma will bring you the greatest satisfaction, not to mention will keep your ass out of the big house!