Perfumes

posted May 21, 2018, 4:20 PM by Viktor Zólyomi

Perfumes have, over the years, become an integral part of our daily lives. Their use dates back to ancient times, yet it has only become a billion dollar industry in the 20th century. A new study by researchers at the University of Con City reveals that the timing is no coincidence.

`There is a correlation between the growth of the fragrance industry and the growth of the planet's population,' says Professor van der Bishop, leader of the research effort. `When the number of humans on Earth surpassed one billion, we reached a critical mass that triggered a reaction mechanism from the biosphere. Mother nature has created a new microorganism designed to combat the overpopulation of the Earth, a microorganism which has severe detrimental effects on the human race. It is to fight off these microbes that the fragrance industry has grown to supply perfumes on a global scale.'

Named nasal germs, the microorganisms discussed by Professor van der Bishop embed themselves inside human noses and prevent various scents from being felt. In particular, they block out all smells produced by fellow members of the human race.

`You might think that germs in our noses that prevent us from smelling the sweat or the wind passed by the people around us would be a good thing,' Professor van der Bishop says, `but they also block our ability to smell the pheromones produced by members of the opposite sex. Thereby, these germs shut down all human desire for sexual intercourse, which was the reason why the Earth's biosphere created the nasal germs in the first place. Without the desire for sex, we cannot reproduce, and therefore the population of the human race would drop quite significantly within a generation. That's good for the planet, of course, but not so good for us, since the germs work a little too well.'

The nasal germs are one hundred percent efficient. No members of the human race are immune to its effects, meaning, that if left unchecked for a century, these bacteria would exterminate humanity. Fortunately, as revealed by the Professor's research, perfumes save us from complete annihilation.

`Fragrance companies have developed an antibiotic that kills nasal germs,' Professor van der Bishop explains. `The antibiotic requires perfumes in order to be transmitted into our noses, but once inside, they neutralize the nasal germs, once more allowing us to smell when our significant others would like to engage in sexual intercourse. Thereby, fragrances save us from going extinct.'

Unfortunately, no fragrance company has been able to produce an antibiotic that can outright kill the nasal germs, they can only neutralize them, temporarily. For this reason, continued use of perfumes is necessary in order for humanity to survive.

`Furthermore,' the Professor elaborates, `the nasal germs evolve over time. It takes them about three months to develop immunity to the antibiotics. This is why perfume companies produce new fragrances every year, for every season.'

Thus fragrances prohibit an overzealous Mother Nature from wiping out humanity via bacteria in our noses. But the importance of using perfumes does not end there.

`Fragrances do two things,' the Professor states. `First, they neutralize the nasal germs. Second, they neutralize the scents produced by the nasal germs. These bacteria produce a pheromone of their own which humans cannot smell, but some animals can. In particular, birds. They not only smell it but they get agitated by it. Any bird that smells the nasal germs goes into a berserk fury and makes a beeline for the person whose nasal germs it smells, and uses its beak to rip off the nose, then flies with it to the nearest body of water and drops it there. In some remote parts of the world, which have no access to either perfumes or scarecrows, tribes exist that ritually cut off their own noses at a young age in order to protect themselves from the birds.'

Given the significance of combating the nasal germs, it is perhaps no surprise that Professor van der Bishop has secured considerable research funding from the very industry that leads the fight against these vicious bacteria.

`I have received most generous funding from a company named TelfordChem, which is based in Con City and manufactures all sorts of products, including a new fragrance for every season every year. They've given me extensive resources to conduct research into the nasal germs and to raise public awareness to this issue. And since perfumes save us not just from extinction, but also from having to live our lives in shame of having no nose, my advice to everyone is to buy the newest fragrance by TelfordChem, called Hardened Delight, at the nearest local supermarket or pharmacy.'

If you would like to know more about nasal germs and the antibiotics transmitted in fragrances, request a reprint of the Professor's new popular science article, `Why perfumes save us from extinction and from having our noses ripped off by seagulls,' from the Department of Bullshitology - where Professor van der Bishop serves as Head of Department - at the University of Con City.

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