Presbyterians Open General Assembly By Praying To ALLAH! (What About Bob?)

The Presbyterian Church, U.S.A (PCUSA) opened its 222nd General Assembly by having Muslim offering up prayers to ‘Allah’ during a time of vigilance for the victims of terrorism.

“”Incline towards peace and justice and trust in God, for the Lord is one that hears and knows everything and the servants of God, the most compassionate, the most merciful, gracious are those who walk in the earth in humility and when bigots and hateful and Islamophobes address them, they say peace. Peace be upon them and peace be upon Allah,” he said in conclusion.”

The move was very controversial, in fact, one attendee Mateen Elass, a former Muslim who now works with a ministry for Arab-speaking individuals called Voice of the Truth, called the event one which “denied the gospel and lordship of Jesus Christ.”

There was also controversy when the FBI released a redacted transcript of the 911 phone call made by the Orlando terrorist, because (among other reasons) the FBI translated the word Allah into God.

The two incidents got me thinking, what if we all worship the same God? I am not suggesting we all follow the same faith or worship the same way. But wouldn’t it solve many of our problems if we changed the word that every faith uses to refer to the Creator of the Universe? If we all referred to God with the same word, perhaps the Democrats and even President Obama would seek to protect people of all faiths instead of just the ones who pray to Allah.

Wouldn’t it be wonderful if everyone called God the same exact thing and concentrated on what he was trying to teach us?

Over the last few years our politically correct society has adopted many universal names for things. At the very least these universal terms simplify our language. For example a terrorist that kills Jews is called a militant, anyone who criticizes President Obama is known as a racist, government over-spending is called investment, taxes are revenue enhancements, and anyone with a rational fear of being attacked by a radical Islamic terrorist is called a Xenophobe. If we can unify language with regards to terrorists, criticizing the American President, and taxes, etc., isn’t it even more important to come up with a common name for the creator of the universe?

We couldn’t use Allah, it has much too much baggage for the non-Muslims. Besides Muslims don’t like it when we infidels use the word. And I don’t think that Muslims would want to use the term God, it’s English, it would almost be like converting and becoming part of the great Satan (what they call the United States).

Therefore my suggestion is to come up up with a brand new non-denominational term for the Lord. My Suggestion is Bob.

Bob would be a perfect name for God. First of all you wouldn’t have to commit to major reformatting of the print version of the Bible, both Bob and God have three letters so the new name would fit in perfectly. The online versions wouldn’t have to be reformatted either.

Sure the Koran would have to be changed, but we could sell it based on how the two fewer letters in the name would save paper and ink costs. Heck based on the paper and ink savings, I bet the liberals could even be convinced that the switch to Bob will help reverse climate change (since it is really just the natural cycle of the Earth they will be easily fooled).

God’s new name would make our Maker seem so much more approachable and real Bobis such a friendly sounding name. If we make the change perhaps we wont see a Time Magazine cover that asks “is Bob Dead?” And think about the people who have the habit of using the word “Dammit” after the word God. Their favorite expression will no longer be blasphemous since God will have a new name.

You know how the politically correct-types hate words that trigger bad feelings amongst minorities? Here’s one that will be helped by the change, people who suffer from dyslexia. No longer will they have to be embarrassed by saying to their friends…”I swear to dog” when they mean ‘I swear to God.” Because Bob is a palindrome, so spelled backwards it is still Bob.

Think about the kids. They will feel so much more comfortable going to a house of worship and praying to Bob. It will be so much easier for them to have a personal connection with their deity if he’s named Bob–it’s such a warm sounding name.

The only objection I can find to the use of Bob is that it is also a common name for people. Things could get a little confusing. For example, human Bobs might start to wonder why every time someone hears a sneeze they call out “BobBless You” and the famous Marlon Brando will have to be renamed:

But as far as I’m concerned, that’s a small price to pay, and when you think it through it really
shouldn’t be a problem. I have two Hispanic friends who are very Catholic and are named Jesus and there is no confusion.

There it is–my case all laid out. In my humble opinion, changing the Lord’s name to Bob is a great idea, some might even call it a Bob-send. If we can all agree to call God the same thing–maybe–just maybe we can listen inside of all of us to hear his voice and follow the teaching of the God, Bob or Allah that is within us all. Perhaps then all faiths, even the radical one will start respecting the beliefs of other people, and perhaps even our government will start respecting everyone’s religious beliefs, even if their faith disagrees with their politics on issues such as respecting life.

Perhaps if everyone used the same word for God, President Obama would realize that Christians are being massacred overseas is a much bigger problem than Islamophobia, or refer to “militants” who kill Jews as terrorists, or even that Antisemitism is a big problem in the United States and across the world.

Since this president tends to protect people of the Muslim faith while ignoring the crises facing other faiths perhaps if we all referred to the deity the same way president Obama care about people of all faiths. I am not a prophet, so I would never profess to know what the Lord is thinking, but I feel it deep in my heart that Bob would prefer it that way.

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