Shoot, I Pointed

Captain’s Log, Stardate Brett Favre

When we last checked in with the Vikes, they were
“A quarterback short of serious contention…”

This past year, thanks to Mr. Favre on the roster — NFC North Champs!!

Brett looked so happy after the big win
against the Cowboys,
smiling like he was ready to burst,
cause it just wouldn’t have been polite to let loose…

…not until after he was in the locker room,
where he broke into his shockingly giddy
“Pants on the ground” performance…
startling fans and teammates alike. . .

So what happened in New Orleans last week??

How could we have statistically whupped the Saints’ asses yet still have lost the game?

Well Tasha, in a moment of heart-stopping horror, Brett inexplicably threw a cross-body pass – the kind that ends in an interception… At the exact same moment, the collective wail of Vikings fans was overheard in space and picked up by a Hubbel satellite. Oh sure, Mr. Favre could have scrambled and slid to pick up field goal yardage. Or he could have handed off the ball to one of his non-fumblinas… But no-o-o-o. . . Did the Saints’ repeated hits and late body slams affect the veteran quarterback’s desperate decision? Or was it a classic Favre hubris moment as so many of the finger-pointers crowed? He certainly lived up to his “Iron Man” title, after the Saints’ defense made a pact with the Deh-vihl…

Did it help that Adrian Peterson couldn’t hang on to his balls? And didn’t some dubious penalties, including the teeth-gritting 12 men in the huddle fiasco, also bring us to this moment? And where was our offensive line, you know, the ones who are paid to produce the so-called “magic pocket” for their veteran quarterback ? And just how much shockingly inept officiating can take place before referees start getting fined?? I mean, there are instant playback reviews now, people ! And just how critical was the carefully-timed decibel level of the thundering crowds ? Is that why the Brady rule violators were not ejected from the game? Thanks NFL officials, for taking 4 days to decide those were illegal hits and required $20,000 fines. Most helpful.

Yet somewhere – on the other end of the spectrum – there may have been powers operating beyond the game. . . Unwitting powers unleashed by our own Prince, who penned the scariest football “theme song” ever to hit the airwaves, thereby setting off a chain of colossal catastrophes large enough to breach the cosmic order. Yah, it was that scary…

Tasha wonders,
Was Prince’s terrifying Song of the Viking
really that powerful?

Why can’t I be like Dalai Lama Tobie and keep things in perspective…

After each jaw-dropping turnover, Tobie had no need to announce, “This is like a freakin’ nightmare!” Nor was Tobie reminded of the “Final Destination” series with its relentless karmic “accidents.” Nor did Tobie take cold comfort from a Facebook stranger, who noted helpfully: “At least you’re not a Jets’ fan.” No, little Tobie is far wiser practicing his happy thoughts = happy universe ways…

Back home in Mississippi, Brett licks his substantial wounds and wonders if his One-A-Day vitamin regimen will repair and rejuvenate the crazy skills in the currently banged-up-but-good corporeal form God has bestowed upon him… Can he keep the Doritos and funnel cakes to a minimum this off season while he silently meditates in that deer stand in the trees…. waiting for his next Bambi playoff, I mean, payoff…?

Some say it was the Favre jinx that’s haunted him these past few years…. The ones that bray, “He can’t close the deal” or “He chokes,” or the disgruntled Packers fans’ favorite: “Glad you guys got him.”

Speaking of karma, the native Favres reside a mere 50 miles from the game site, and other family ties are of a Bayou nature, and with such a heinous recent history in the Super Dome, well. . . I’m just sayin’

Does this NFC championship game mean the rest of our season was all bupkuss? Should we not be proud of the Vikings rallying with their inspiring first-year new quarterback?

Will Brett be back ? Tasha speculates that like any badly-injured creature from the wild, said creature always limps home to their lair, curls up among loved ones, re-reviews the playbacks at a more suitable time, and focuses on healing the mental and physical scars. Plenty of time to dither about unretiring. . . All necessary steps in the build up to a re-birth… Should there be one… Or so Tasha thinks. . .

I doff my non-existent hat to you, Mr. Favre. Thanks for showing the Vikes what mentoring and team leadership means, thanks for your infectious spirit and bringing us fans so many exciting moments this year…

After inspiring his new teammates in his first season,
does it feel like No. 4’s barely year-old Viking purple
and white will be replaced by camo khakis?
If his torn shoulder had not properly healed
late last summer, Mr. Favre would have retired in ’09,
having never seen the light of a purply day,
and we would have never known the glories and
the spirited rebirth of the Pugnacious Purple Peep Eaters …

Somewhere up in the bleachers, Prince is humming to himself…
as the Universe tries to interrupt, “Aack ack,”
[clearing throat sound]: Just stand there and look pretty,
and KEEP YOUR SCARY PURPLE SONGS TO YOURSELF SIR !

A sweet walk in nature helps puts perspective on the game. . .

Hmm… Or was it cause I did not wear my Viking purple tee so as not to jinx the team. . .

To forget, Tasha immerses herself in a Judge Judy marathon

. . . or was it because my sister dared show up
at Grandma’s in her stylin’ gray Viking jersey . . .

And as the sun sank in the Midwestern sky,
and every good boy and girl drifted into slumber,
the questions lingered: Will Brett come back next year??
Will Chilly stop chewin’ the Big Red?
Will Adrian be doin’ some serious rubber-ball
finger exercises this summer . . .
And, most importantly, will Jared Allen
once and for all retire that offensive mullet . . . ?

In any case, no one doubts Brett’s talents or passion
for the game. . . But some earnest fans still wondered. . .

Why oh why Lord?
Inquiring minds demand some peace and closure

The wrath of “Our Favre, who art in Minnesota?’ “. . .

Taunting fan. . .

Rage at the officiating required restraining. . .

At times, it seemed the Vikings didn’t know their heads from their butts,
even though the statistics told another story…
but then again, the Saints had their share of turnovers,
but did we have to statistically out-fumble them as well? Did we? ? Really?

Clearly, the stress and final outcome was just too much for some,
who lay prostrate with shock and numbness for the rest of the day. . .

Tasha tries to soothe the demoralized fan. . .

Across town and in the parks, dazed patrons asked anyone who would listen, those Vikes, how could they lose? No, really ? How could they?? They had Favre this year. . .

Did they not eat all their vegetables ?

Some were so traumatized, it was hard to go back to work on Monday…

Luckily this fan forgot to pay their cable bill. . .
saving at least one fan’s eyes from the searing . .

How many years of my life have I lost, wondered other fans… (tm Josh)…

For those lucky, rational few, who could walk away
without that ripped-out hole-in-the heart feeling … I have one question. . .
What are you?? Aliens??

In any case, his love of the game is undisputed, his passion legendary, his dancing horrendous
You know you want one more crack at it, Brett ! … don’t you? ?

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3 thoughts on “Captain’s Log, Stardate Brett Favre”

What an entertaining, cathartic wrap-up of our roller-coaster season. Did you see the injury pics Brett’s agent released to the internets? If you saw his mondo swollen ankle, bruised thigh, etc., you would have yet another theory as to why #4 chose to throw, rather than run, in that last crucial defining play at the end o’ the game where he threw the interception. Poor guy was a hurtin’ unit. I don’t think he’ll come back.

Thanks Lee. I have not seen those pics – I feel markedly better after reading your comment, even though Brett may (wisely) not return. . . Sometimes it’s just nice to wonder what might have been. . . you know? Especially when you were robbed… In any case, if Brett did come back, he’d have an even bigger giant “X” over his No. 4.

Very well written. I have to totally agree with your comments on the game and the Officiating or lack of. The NFL is a multi billion dollar business, ever wondered about corruption within? To get the “more attractive” match up for the Super Bowl?? With some of the horrible officiating out there, I sometimes think…..Hmmmmmm….????