irma at nautilus teachings

for the past few days
i have been waking up
at 4:30 in the morning
with what feels
like acid
rolling around in
my stomach…
nothing is normal
right now.
i never wake early
i am a super sound sleeper
but now my brain turns on
and i cannot stop
the tick tick ticking
of worst case scenarios
in my head,
but who out there can?
we have
all watched as Texas
was drown by Harvey
people losing
every possible
tangible possessions
people dying,
all the brave rescues
and now,
it will take years
for them to get their
lives back…
so of course
Irma
who may be a cat 4 or 5
flashes the exact same
outcome across my
brain as soon as my
eyes open…
i restlessly lay there
and try to tell myself
i am crazy,
i pray a hundred prayers
and
i
cry…
i stumble to the computer
let the dogs out
and return
coffee in hand
to see
exactly what
may have changed
in the last 12 hrs…
we have all seen the forecasted paths
there are so many
it’s frustrating
and which one
is the best?
NOAA
Magic Seaweed
Wunderground
Weather channel???
i just want one to show
Irma taking the path
back out toward sea
not harming
our tiny beach town
and the 21,002,678 of people
who live in this sunshine state…
there is nothing
about this
that is good…

in the old days
it was a call to hunker down
and throw parties
in fact
when i lived in the OBX
for 6 years
we had at least 7 hurricanes.
i left for the first one
because it was
thatmyfirstone…
after that i never left.
being without power was no big deal
cell phones?
i did not have one
for the first few years
so it did not matter…
we all gathered together
grilled all our food
drank for days
hugged
prayed
helped one another
and eventually
got back
our lives…
today
there is placed before us
a powerful fear
that this is storm
could completely
destroy our lives…
it’s on every station
and all across social media
so much so,
it makes one dizzy
gives us panic attacks
and opens up the truthwecoulddieifwe don’tevacuate….
we are not in control
and for those of us
OCD control freaks
this
is
bad…
people are posting
photos of empty shelves
some gas stations
have sold all their supply
schools are now closed
a state of emergency
has been declared
people are freaking
and we still have
no orders
to evacuate…
i have seen only
a handful of houses with
their shutters up
and when i talk to
my neighbors
and people at publix…
they all say the same thing…
‘waiting till friday or saturday
to put them up
and leave if necessary…’

no one wants to leave
their home
their life
their routine…
and thanks to the media
we all think
we may have
nothing to come home too….
i myself pray nonstop
24/7 while awake
and i hope that even if
people don’t believe in God
that they at least believe
in something or someone
to pray to
talk to
ask a favor of
throw positive karma towards…
it all works.
then 9am rolls around
and
mr giggles arrives
as my life returns to normal.
just holding our grandson
calms the churning
in my tummy
helps me forget about
Irma
and puts me in a state
of such happiness
and gratitude
that for short few hours
life
is
good…
i put on meditation music
while he sleeps
and paint long, lazy strokes
of color across canvases
that for me,
will never be sold
or revealed
because they hold scripture
that calms my soul…
later in the day
as i slowly drive him home
and place him in the arms
of our son and his wife,
as i climb back in to my suv,
alone
i
begin
to cry,
and the acid
resumes
it’s churning,
reminding me
life is about to suck…
it does not help
that we have this grey calm
hugging every inch of
our tiny beach town,
that i have to begin
giving our dogs
calming medicine
to help them make it through
the next few days,
or that i go through
each room
stacking everything above
three feet,
just in case…
God,
i hate this shit.
who doesn’t ?
tomorrow the sun will rise
and every day after that
it will too…
we will rise up
and face
what God has placed
before us,
whether a mountain
or a stream
it does not matter…
we have the power to leave
to start over again
and again and again…
we also have the power to pray
and for this
midwestern, artsy, fartsy chick
who landed in
our very much loved
tiny beach town,
i say face it
face your fear
protect the ones you love
and your home
knowing
stuff
can
be
replaced,
lives
cannot…
be smart.
i love you all…