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Friday, February 1, 2013

We don't give kids enough credit. They are sneaky little bastards; programmed for survival from Day 1.

To anyone who has ever said, "the most wonderful thing about children is that they don't lie," I present...my daughter.

For the past three months or so, we've had the training potty prominently displayed, but never used - much like a bad tchotchke - in our bathroom. We have these lofty hopes that one day The Bean will suddenly decide to start using the potty and we can all leave our diaper-changing days behind.

So far her favorite thing to do is take her stuffed animals for boat rides in the removable bucket of the potty. Potty training? Nailed it.

Before her bath each night we go through the same routine:

Me: Do you want to go potty before we have a bath?

Bean: No!

Me: If you have to go pee-pees, we need to go in the potty - not the bathtub, right?

Bean: [pointing at the tub] No pee-pees. [Does a little wriggly dance.]

Me: Do you have to go potty?

Bean: [immediately stops dancing] NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Then we start the bath; which is, by far, her favorite part of the day.

At some point in the bath, she'll stop all the bouncing around and singing (a sign that things are about to get serious) and she will stare intently at a spot on the wall. 10 seconds later she suspiciously starts singing, "pee-pee, pee-pee, pee-pee!"

Me: Did you just go potty in the bathtub!?!?!

Bean: [stares directly into my soul...hesitates...]...noooo...

Then she'll pick up a cup and start drinking the piss-filled bathwater.

*****

So The Bean lies, but the truly aggravating part is she's not consistent about it.

The other night, The D-Zo clan was cuddled up in bed watching the original Muppet movie as a nighttime treat.

Now, we had Ethiopian food for dinner that night and so what happened next shouldn't have come as a surprise, but...well..."toooooooot."

It just slipped out!

And before I could blame the intrusive noise on my daughter (one of the perks I was told about this whole parenthood gig), she stands up, points at me and says, "Mama toot toot."