Murphy: “because i’m a fucking princess, that’s why!”

Increasingly erratic First Minister in waiting Jim Murphy yesterday told an audience that he would “wipe the floor” with the SNP, securing a “massive” majority in next year’s Holyrood elections.

Speaking at the top of his voice to an audience in Edinburgh yesterday, Murphy claimed that he and deputy Kezia Dugdale would “turn Scotland upside down”.

Murphy who lost his seat in Renfrewshire East to Miss Jean Brodie last week by almost four thousand votes, insisted that the SNP’s triumph, unprecedented in the party’s eighty-one year history, was “beginner’s luck. Pure and simple.” Adding that the party had no mandate whatsoever from the Scottish people.

Most of the inhabitants of Blackford Pond in the Morningside district area of Edinburgh are ducks and fish, with a few swans, one of which became alarmed at Murphy’s shouting and waving his arms, at one point beating its wings and squawking loudly.

“This,” Murphy bellowed into his microphone. “Is the true face of the nationalists. They will try to silence me and attempt to intimidate me, but I’m not going anywhere.”

Dugdale, who still has a job, released a statement last night in support of Murphy although stressing that her father had forbidden her to associate with the former MP for Renfrewshire East, threatening to ground her if she failed to comply.