Tuesday, June 21, 2011

How do your testicles breathe? Do you have to adjust yourself every minute? Do you not realize that 90%+ of you cannot pull this look off? Do you not realize that majority of the people that see you nudge eachother, point and laugh? Well, that is the truth.

Sunday, June 19, 2011

What were you thinking my dear? Your wife is banging hot and you chase after squirrel-faced , ex-porn star Ginger Lee. You sent your boner picture to a butterface. Yuck. My dear, there are hotter fish in the sea. If you ever cheat on your hot wife, please upgrade to something much hotter than what you have.

Do you guarantee that ditching your personal trainer and buying your Skecher Shape Ups will give me an ass as big as yours? I mean, after all, that is what you did in your commercial... ditch you personal trainer and rock those boulder shoes and voila, big booty!

But seriously, Kris Humphris is the man. My dear Kris owns all of that booty. All Rights Reserved to Kris Humphris after purchasing that booty for $2,000,000. Score! Sold to the highest bidder!

More so, this goes out to your male fans my dear Bieber. Please do not believe that growing-out-mullet'ish, combover'ish emo'ish hair style will score you a Selena Gomez babe. You better believe the Beiber look gets the panties of Selena Gomez to drop but I assure you the rest of the female population will not budge their skivvies unless you have the Beiber Bank Account.

With that said, lets all make a joint pack to head to nearest barber shop ASAP. Before you get to the door, swap those skinnies for something more masculine. Please and thank you my loves.

Saturday, June 18, 2011

Every year I look forward to your Semi-Annual Sale. Instead of paying $39.99 for a pair of Made in China yoga pant that look and fit great, I can buy them for $14.99. Instead of paying $44.99 for a sexy bra that make my boobs look just like Barbie's but better, I can snatch it up for $18.99. Score! Trust me, I love you for that. My bank account also shares the love, especially my savings account . Hey you even won my heart mydear Victoria when I won $500 from the Secret rewards card that I had in my wallet for weeks. I popped it out while on vacation in Miami at the super huge Sawgrass Mills Mall and was floored to find out the chick at the counter said I have $500.. I'll admit, after winning $10 3 years in a row I thought you were full of shit but you proved yourself to me. But help me out here... I'm confused...

Victoria, every time I step foot at one of your yearly sales, I get stampeded by giga-normous sized women that cannot fit in your sexy lingerie and comfy pajamas. They snatch the small sizes and that irrititates me more. Please, let them know that shopping at a sexy store and wearing the lingerie will not make them sexy. Spending money on fake nails, fake hair and rocking your panties will not make them sexy. The gym will sexify them. It's not your g-strings nor your garters my love. All of that is a mere illusion.

You are a wise one, I have to admit. The bigger they are, the more they spend....

Amongst us humans there is a universal problem that needs to be solved. The problem is not keeping it real with one another aka fake talk. If your friend has yellow teeth and they keep chugging Coke and Redbulls like there's no tomorrow, speak up. If they are wearing leggings but you can see their stretch marks thru their leggings, speak out. If they look like an orange mutant from too much fake tanning, for fuck's sake, shout out.