8/07/2015

A Few Thoughts on the GOP Nude Oil Wrestling Last Night

1. There was one absolutely amazing moment at the first (well, unless you count the asterisk debate before) GOP presidential debate last night. Governor Chris Christie and Senator Rand Paul were getting into a real rasslin' match over mass surveillance of American citizens. You can see what that looked like here:

Paul thought he had Christie on the insult ropes by bringing up the New Jersey governor's embrace of President Obama post-Hurricane Sandy. Christie shot back, "Senator Paul, you know, the hugs that I remember are the hugs that I
gave to the families who lost their people on September 11th."

And, subtly, ever so slightly, motherfuckin' Rand Paul rolled his motherfuckin' eyes. It was such a beautiful moment, expressing just for a moment what so many of us feel when some cockknob politician or another invokes 9/11 now, 14 goddamn years later, to justify their bullshit. Rand Paul may be batshit crazy, but he does not take kindly to fake sentiment.

2. What the fuck was up with compassionate John Kasich, the governor of Ohio? How the hell does he expect to get any votes by proudly proclaiming that expanding Medicaid was the right thing to do because, holy shit, it costs the state less than keeping mentally ill people in prison and poor people shouldn't have to be degraded? And he not only didn't shit all over same sex marriage, he acted like he had no fucks left to give about it when he said he went to the wedding of a friend getting gay married. If he had looked at the rest of the gathered frauds, sociopaths, and Trump and said, "Yeah, bring it, bitches," it wouldn't have been surprising. Of course, then he talked savagely about abortion, so fuck that guy.

3. While each candidate tried to gently woo the voters, touching their titties softly, then a bit more firmly, sticking his hand into their pants to gently, tentatively, even, caress their twats until they were wet, Donald Trump just said, "Fuck this," lubed up his hand and arm, and started fisting the shit out of the GOP audience. Some were appalled, slapping him away and telling him to get lost. Others were curious, spreading their legs and seeing where this led. And still more jumped up on all fours and told him eat out their assholes while he was at it.

4. Honestly, how does anyone listen to Ted Cruz for any extended period of time? He sounds like a mynah bird without the charm and surprise. He looks like a dick, sounds like a dick, and puts forward dickish policies where he's appealing to the dicks everywhere. Frankly, fuck Trump. The GOP should be trying to stomp this geek-nosed cocksucker out of the race.

5. Ben Carson sounds like an NPR host on quaaludes. Mike Huckabee sounds like he's gonna fuck a mule and call it freedom. Jeb Bush looks like your divorced seventh-grade math teacher you knew was checking out the legs of the girls in the front row. Scott Walker still looks like he'd stare through a hole in the barn and jack off while he watches Mike Huckabee fuck a mule. And Marco Rubio? The desperation that poured from his face would have been sad had it not been utterly earned.

6. How could any woman or non-white person come away from that debate feeling anything but depression, loathing, and fear?

(Note: You can read most of what the Rude Pundit thought over on Storify, where he's put his live-tweeting of the event.)