Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Rivers and Rocks

Today is one of those ‘meaningful’ days in the Grand Order of Things. The husband is (glory be and for the first time in two weeks) in the office-office – this morning I shoved him unceremoniously out the door kissed him farewell as he wandered, grumbling all the way I’m sure, back to his home away from home, Da Office.

The children are safely ensconced at their schools.

And I am supposed to be getting ready to leave tomorrow morning on this, my last day of (relative) sanity before the End of Life As We Know It.

What I have actually managed to do so far today: {silence}

OK, that’s not entirely true. I got the kids off to school, that has to count for something.

And, I got a cup of extremely strong coffee at Jack in the Box.

Then I went to the doctor’s office where I was informed that in spite of the fact that I clearly have “Dr. H, 9:45” in my Treo, the same was not written in the good doctor’s appointment book.

Well. Alrighty then. So I’ll just be, uh, going, then, shall I?

But wait, it gets better! I came home and, with less than an hour until I had to leave to get my nails buffed, I began to putter. I put away some dishes. I paid a couple bills. I read my email, paid another bill or two and grumbled at the stock market today.

Then, as I was getting up to find my jacket, my Treo chirruped at me and behold, it was my manicurist, who said, “Hi, hey, could I bump you back a couple hours, would that be OK?”

“Sure!” I said, looking at the utter devastation I call my house, thinking of the never-ending list of Stuff I Absolutely Must Get Done Today No Matter What. “That…actually works better for me. I have a lot to do here.”

And then…I sat down at my kitchen table clutching the cold paper cup containing the sad remains of what had been a pretty decent cup of coffee and watched my non-winterized rose bushes be…well, kind of dead looking, actually.

I have a Mood on me that defies description. I’m all stirred up. I feel like a kettle that’s been whistling cheerfully for some time and getting pissed off that nobody’s coming to make their damned tea, already! Explosively charged and yet…somehow…

Not tired, or sad, or depressed, or defeated. Not particularly happy or angry or worried or carefree. Neither mischievous or responsible, concerned or untroubled.

I guess I’d have to say…I’ve been just sitting here…accepting things. Thinking about what I’m going to do and how I’m going to do it – and what I’m simply not going to get around to doing today, and that I’m by-golly OK with that.

I suddenly understand an old meditation I used to pretend to do. I mean, I sorta got it…but not really. But out of the blue, I do.

Picture a river, swiftly flowing. In the center of it stands a boulder, ancient and rounded by the relentless stream of water.

Now, the exercise was to become both the water and the boulder. The swift-moving, energetic, enthusiastic water, which simply flows around any obstacle to itself. The implacable boulder, stubborn and strong, unmoved by the stream’s urgency. The strength of both energy and peace, together. To flow and run and find a path where perhaps none existed, while at the same time being impervious to the rush and bother of the stream around you. Giving, and taking, being altered but unchanged, rock-steady and water-malleable.

I never got it, back when such meditations were a major part of my life (B.C., Before Children). I never quite managed to grasp what my mentor was trying to get at, and it used to drive me buggy. Either you are rushing around all hyper, or you are sitting peacefully. You can’t have both! You can’t be both! Not at the same time!

Positive and negative can’t live in the same house, and hyper energy and passive calm likewise cancel each other out. It’s just…it’s crazy talk, that’s what it is!

I’m rushed and panicked and crazy and finding ways to get six hours work crammed into only two hours of tick-tock-time. And at the same exact time, I have a granite-like peace. A stubborn, I don’t care if the devil may care, defiant and what’s it to ya peace.

I’m going to get done what I get done – and not a thing more. I’ll do the best I can do and that’s all I can do. I’m OK with my best. I don’t really give a fig whether anybody else is (not) OK with it.

Eventually, it’ll all just be water over, under, and around the boulder.

*No, that wasn’t really her name. But her name did change at least three times in the two years I knew her, because her ‘totem power forms’ changed. Ah, the New Age, gotta love it…

1 comment:

There is a word missing from your post. That word is 'anxious'. I think you are feeling anxiety and why wouldn't you? You are leaving your family for several days which is exciting and restful but certainly anxiety producing. And then, when you get back, you will start working full time again. A blessing and curse and certainly enough to generate some anxiety.