7 Dick Pics To Leave Off Your C.V.

Everyone knows that you’re the fucking dick pic master, but honestly, that’s something that almost NO ONE should actually know about you – especially a potential employer. You might think that sprinkling your resume with some of your greatest nether-selfie hits might help you score big-time at your next job interview, but that’s probably because you’re dumb enough to be proud of your dick pic ability in the first place.

Check out these 7 dick pics you definitely need to leave off of your C.V. if you hope to ever move out of your parents’ basement.

1. The Alley-Oop

Were your friends in the locker room impressed, or, more probably, fearful for your sanity the day you showed them just how far around your own thigh you could stretch your ball-sack? Either way, it’s not something that should ever be digitally immortalized, no matter how well you think it might demonstrate your ‘versatility’ as an employee.

2. The Two-Hanger

Similar to the Alley-Oop, only this time involving a coat-hanger and the ability to completely ignore the shocked stares of the clerks at Forever 21.

3. The Bulletpoint

How dead-on can you really get with a phone camera? Why not buy yourself a gimble and find out if you, too, can focus on the fabled ‘ring within a ring’ bulletpoint pose?

4. The Rabbit

Remember that fun game you used to play as a kid where you’d make rabbit ears, nose, and mouth with a pair of winter gloves? It’s like that, except with your dick.

5. The Drago

‘I must break your lens you.’

6. The Peach Cobbler

Covering your dick with flour and sticking it in the oven might be an impressive party trick, but it’s unlikely to land you an entry-level accounting job – unless that job’s at Pornhub.

7. The Boneyard

A camera, an hour to kill, a bucket of KFC, and your dick. What else did they expect your to do while filling out that HR form in the backroom?