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Celebrities

February 28, 2009

I recently learned that cable-TV political pundit Rachel Maddow, who just started her own show on MSNBC, does not own a television.

While being interviewed on the Daily Show, and not particularly apropos of anything, she volunteered this information.

I'm sorry, but that is just evil.

You've probably noticed that if you ever meet a person who doesn't own a television, you'll find out that fact right away. Because they will tell you at the earliest opportunity.

YOU: Hi. It sure is cold today, isn't it?

THEM: I wouldn't know. I don't own a television.

YOU: Well, I was actually just talking about the weather ...

THEM: You see, I don't need a TV, because I read books. I've read so many books that I've already read everything written in English, French, and Proto-Brythonic Khwarezmian. Hey, can you recommend any titles in Yazgulami or Middle Khotanese?

YOU: Uh, well, I really don't ... umm – okay. Last night I was watching Battlestar Galactica, and they were talking alot about the Book of Pythia. I guess it's a pretty important book, although I'm not sure if it's supposed to actually exist or if they were just making that part up. Anyway, I think it might be written in some kind of ancient space-people symbols or something. Do you know what I'm talking about?

THEM: I wouldn't know. I don't own a television.

Let me put it this way: If you have a middle-class income and you don't own a television, let me know: I will put you on my personal no-fly list.

But if you actually host a television show and you still think you are too good to own a television, then, regrettably, I must put you on my AXIS OF EVIL.

Look, honestly, I feel bad putting Rachel Maddow on my AXIS OF EVIL. She seems like a really nice person. Here's an example. Recently, coming out of a commercial break on her show, she teased an upcoming segment by saying, "[We're going] to talk about one of my favorite subjects – infrastructure."

Now, when I here someone say something like that, I immediately feel a bond with them. Not only do I personally find infrastructure to be fascinating, but it's pretty clear that the only person who would make a remark like that is someone can't get past her glory days in high school debate. And I'm down with that. Hey, after all, I'm a law professor.

But not owning a TV? C'mon. Let's be clear about what this means. As far as Rachel Maddow is concerned, we are not talking about your average TV-abstainer, someone who's been camped out in a dank studio apartment for the better part of a decade writing a Ph.D. dissertation on medieval hermeneutics. Rachel Maddow seems aware of the real world, and she can clearly afford a TV. Also, I did some research, and I found out that she's got the space for one. Her personal website mentions that she has homes in New York City and Western Massachusetts. Go her. Folks, these facts are consistent with only one conclusion: Rachel Maddow regards television as so intellectually poisonous that she cannot allow even the most modest of small-screens into her abode. YET SHE WANTS US TO WATCH HER TELEVISION SHOW.

And not just any television show. A television show which PURPORTS TO EXPOSE THE DUPLICITOUS SHENANIGANS OF PUBLIC FIGURES.

I can't get behind that.

Rachel, I like you. Any friend of infrastructure is, at least potentially, a friend of mine. But buy a TV.

Not all television programming is mindless garbage. Don't you want to be able to watch live coverage of unfolding news? How about sports? What about Knight Rider? Did you see the episode where KITT battles KARR at Area 51 and KARR turns into a giant robot?!? That was AWESOME!!!

Until you can come down from crazy, Rachel, that sound you'll be hearing is me hitting the thumbs-down button on my TiVo.

March 24, 2008

After last week, when I told you how afraid I am of slipping on ice, and how, I injured my neck by “moving to sit down,” you may be asking how old is this guy?

Well, let me tell you. I am old. Very old. Actually, I’m 36. And let me tell you, that’s old enough. My 35th birthday was very hard to take. Much harder than 30. When you are 30, you are still in the 18-to-34-year-old demographic. Advertisers are still encouraging you to buy an engagement ring, take out a lease on a Mini Cooper, and even “go out” on Friday night.

But as soon as you turn 35, you’re an entirely different beast as far as America’s corporations are concerned. You’ve just passed into the 35-to-59-year-old demographic. And that means you start getting commercials for vitamins that are “specially formulated for your active lifestyle.” Worst of all, you begin to receive the considerable attention of a group of outfits called “financial services companies.”

I think I speak for everyone here on planet Earth when I say: Financial services companies, PLEASE SHUT UP.

The worst is when these financial services companies merge with one another and change names. Upon such an occasion, they will spend the next several months engaging in an orgy of advertising trying to impress you with how great that is.

“USB Warcus Pinkberg Globotrade and TD Ameriswiss Fidential have now joined forces to become USBTDPG AmeriGlobo Pinktrade. Learn how the power of USBTDPG AmeriGlobo Pinktrade is the Power to Dream.”

I’m not even sure what these companies do. They are not banks. I understand what a bank does. Thanks to the modern convenience of “direct deposit,” a bank gets all the money you earned from your job, and then charges you a fee if you ask about it.

Okay, I get that. I can wrap my head around that. But financial-services companies do something entirely different. How is it different? I can’t tell you, but for one thing, even though they are in the “financial services” industry, they apparently do not provide services at all. Instead, they provide “financial products.”

What is a “financial product”? Your first thought might be “money.” What other kind of financial product could you need? And if helpful American corporations are trying to give me money, that would be something I’d definitely be interested in, and I bet you would be too. But, as it turns out – and this is not a real shocker – these companies actually want you to pay them money in order to receive a “financial product” in return.

So, once you have a financial product, what can you do with it? Well – and this is the good part – with a financial product, you will be able to do no less than go out into the middle of the desert and achieve your dreams.

At least this is how Dennis Hopper explained it to me as he was sitting on a chair in the center of a vast dry lakebed. And since I’m now in the 35-to-59-year-old demographic, I tried really hard to pay attention.

Now, the thing about Dennis Hopper is, I’m not sure I find him incredibly persuasive when it comes to financial services. Several months ago in L.A., when I was driving on to a movie studio lot at about 4 a.m., I saw someone who looked like a bleary-eyed, unshaven Dennis Hopper half-asleep in the driver’s seat of a car parked immediately in front of the security booth. In fact, he looked exactly like Dennis Hopper, except that he looked very old, not very tall, quite drawn and wizzened, and, like I said, he was nearly passed out in a car parked just outside security at 4 a.m.

Now, there is a rule you learn about celebrity sightings when you live in Los Angeles. It is this: An apparent celebrity sighting is never not-to-be-believed because the person you see is (1) too short, (2) too old, (3) too thin, or (4) doing something extremely weird.

When my car’s headlight beams hit his face, he looked at me like I was the biggest jerk in the world for disturbing his nap. I will just say that it was not the look of someone from whom I want to take advice regarding financial products.

So I still have many decisions to make regarding financial products and services. But at least I’ll have plenty of time to think about it. All of us in the 34-to-59 demographic will – now that Sally Field has invented once-monthly Boniva. Because who could possibly deal with the slave-like drudgery of taking our osteoporosis pills EVERY SINGLE WEEK?!?