Does She Love Me For My Money?

reader's question

Dear Doc Love,

My girlfriend Lisa and I have been going together for almost ten months and our relationship seems to be sailing along quite smoothly. We're very compatible. We always have a lot of fun together and she never nags me. She's beautiful, classy and charming. (All my buddies rate her a solid "10.")

All right, I know what you're thinking, "So what's the problem?" Well, there is just one little fly in the ointment so to speak, or as you say Doc, "There's no such thing as a clean deal." I didn't really notice this when we were first dating, but now it's becoming an issue for me. I'll explain.

We like going to nice restaurants and seeing a lot of plays and concerts, as I always get front row seats for us whenever possible. I've also just recently treated her to a ten-day vacation in Paris where we stayed at one of the nicest hotels in the city. (She speaks fluent French, but had never been to France. So you can imagine how thrilled she was.)

I was happy to pay for the entire trip to France. I enjoy being in the role of provider and it feels good to take my sweetheart anywhere I want, without any consideration of how much it might cost.

she never pays

The thing is Lisa has never offered to pay for anything, not once. Not a dinner, not a movie ticket, not even an ice cream cone. And I'm noticing that I'm starting to feel resentful about it. I don't need her to spring for some big gift or anything like that, but some small gesture of generosity on her part every so often when we go out would mean a lot to me.

She thanks me for the things that I do for her — maybe one out of four times — but that's as far as it goes. I guess if she cooked for me or gave me a massage once in a while, it would be different, but she doesn't cook and she's just never offered to rub my back.

I'm considering the idea of asking her why she never offers to pay for anything, but I wanted to check with you first, Doc. Do you think that she never offers to pay for anything because it's just proper female behavior for her? She is pretty traditional and conservative in a lot of ways. Or, do you think she's just selfish and is using me in some way; not being a "giver," as you would say.

The confusing thing is that she's very affectionate otherwise. What do you think Doc? And should I try to discuss the situation with her?

Winston — who wants to know what to do

doc love's answer

Hey Winston,

To start, let's go over some basics. One of the ways that you evaluate a woman's Interest Level [degree of love] in you when you're first dating her is to observe what she does when the two of you have finished eating at a restaurant and the check arrives. The odds of her having high interest in you are much better if she allows you to pay without bringing up the idea of sharing the cost.

When she lets you be the "sole provider" in this context, it means, on a deeper level, that she's surrendering to you. (This is all true, unless of course, she's a mercenary, which is a whole other can of worms.)