But first Jon Stewart. Because ... what a kind, kind man. And in a way that is so....not Jay Leno, right? You can have compassion and still be cool. And also uncompromising. Few personalities can manage to lure the Twi-Hard Nation without having to offer up their pride balls in the process. It’s another reason to love Jon Stewart. He basically opened his show by calling them uninformed and even they love Jon Stewart. I love Jon Stewart best when he’s raging about how people don’t eat pizza properly. That would be me.

The Heartbreak Makeover worked on Robert Pattinson, non?

I have never been more attracted to him (in the shots where I can’t see his tea-pouring hands). It’s all of it:

The hair looks amazing. The suit is hot. The new melancholy in his eyes only adds to that face. It was a beautiful, beautiful face, now sexier, hardened by emotional distress - a development he would do without, obviously, but I mean, if we’re being straight superficial here, sh-t, if there’s an upside it would be that his personal anguish improved his aesthetic. Like, he’s even lost his mothering hips.

Comforted perhaps by Jon Stewart’s generous host-ly embrace, Pattinson was predictably awkward, yes, but also gracious and game. After all, as indelicate as this sounds, he was publicly cuckolded inside a Mini Cooper. There are people who can barely leave the house when they have a pimple, let alone having his girlfriend get papped kissing another man, and the fact that he’s a celebrity, a demographic not exactly renowned for showing much character.

Then again, your garden variety feminist crusader would say, well, it’s not like he was walking into fire either, was he? We pity a woman in the same situation and secretly wonder what’s wrong with her. A man encountering the same experience will be comforted and uplifted. Pattinson very astutely appealed to his screamers to go out and see his movie, Cosmopolis, over and over and over again. They will. Cosmopolis will be the beneficiary of the cheating scandal.

Interestingly enough, the Toronto International Film Festival just added several more presentations to this year’s lineup (this TIFF is going to be stacked, I feel hungover and underslept already). On The Road, featuring Kristen Stewart, was included on the list. By that point she’ll have eaten sh-t for 6 weeks. Perhaps she’ll emerge from seclusion then, ready to move on...without having to ask for permission.