Follow Beauty in the Silver Lining

Category: starting over

I know I promised this post months ago, a little late but here it is guys.

If you read my last post you know that I met my boyfriend on tinder, I know who knew there were actually good guys on there. I guess you can say that somehow the stars aligned the night we met. I was completely burned out on dating. I had tried all the lame dating sites and at the end of the day ended up more frustrated than I had started. I never seemed to find the guy with the qualited I knew I needed. Not to mention that most didn’t get to the actual date part because of the pervert factor. I guess guys assume that being a gentleman was not a requirement and that sex was what all women online are looking for? I don’t know but it was getting annoying.
I honestly dont remember who messaged who first but it was so sweet from the beginning. We messaged back and forth for a few days before I gave him my number and honestly i was waiting for the dumb sex questions to start, you know which ones….what are you wearing…what do you like blah blah blah. I tell him all the time that this was one of the reasons that I found him so attractive. The questions never came. He was a perfect getleman, over text, over the phone, in person. He let me take the lead and it was so refreshing.

Fast forward to now I’m happy to say that I am one happy woman. It’s amazing to know a feel like you are cherished. Don’t get me wrong we’ve had our small disagreements but at the end of the day I know that most things aren’t worth the fight. And talking it out is wayyyyy better than the arguing and the fighting. I’ve learned so much about myself, about relationships, love, sacrifice.

Let me first start by saying thank you to those who still follow. It’s been a while since I’ve written but it’s not for lack of material. Life has just been crazy.

It official now, I’m now a mom of a four year old. Where has the time gone? I feel like it was just yesterday that I was praying for a positive pregnancy test. Sometimes i look at him and wonder how I was so lucky to be his mom. He is smart and caring. He has an a amazing imagination and is so creative. I cant believe that in less than a year he will be a kindergartner. I hope and pray that I am leading him in the right direction. I have to admit that sometimes I fear that I’m lacking something, that not having his father under the same roof will somehow change who he should have been. Hopefully that will change soon. But speaking of men…I met a guy!

Yes there’s a guy, I guess that explains a little of my absences as well. He’s really great. ..but more about him later.

I don’t know how I got this far. But my heart is happy. I’m at peace with the way things my life have turned out.

I cannot believe it’s been almost 1 year
since the last time I posted. It’s been too long. There is so much that has gone on in the last year. There were rought times, sad times, tears of sadness and of joy. My baby will be 4 in a couple of months and it just doesn’t seem real. The way time passes. So quickly.

Last night Judah and I spent the night cuddling, watching a documentary on killer whales. There was no place that I would have rather been. Last night I was lying in bed thinking about the things that happened in 2013 and where I wanted to be in 2014. Normally I don’t really do the whole resolution thing. I think that every morning that your feet hit the floor is a new opportunity to change.

But this year I start with list in hand. Things I want to do. Things I want to see and experience. Places that I want to travel to and places that I want to take Judah. On this list there are also the things that I want to forget, let go of and honestly just move on from. Looking back on this year it really seems that I spent a lot of days looking in the rear view mirror. Daydreaming of what I wanted and not enough of actually making it happen. There was some reminiscing of the “good days” and some of the bad days too.

Driving today it really hit me just how much of this year I missed. But I’m ready for this year 2014. I just know that God is going to do great things in our lives. I don’t usually share things like this but for the purpose of this post I will tell you.

The other night I fell asleep on my brothers couch. I was tired and didn’t feel like driving all the way home but anyway I laid there for a little while thinking about things, about Judah and about our lives. I started to pray and I started to cry. I felt so beat down. I really felt like that kid that gets their lunch taken away day after day after day. Well you get my point. Over the last year I prayed and asked God for things and even through my tough days I tried my hardest to help who I could. I tried to be positive and grateful for the things that I was blessed with. Most days I felt like my prayers were simply floating aimlessly. Lost.

So that night I began to ask God why. Why did He seem to be ignoring my prayers. My tears. My cries for help. I prayed/cried myself to sleep and I had a dream.

In my dream there was a man facing an empty field. He was tired and visibly worn but he was planting little seeds as he walked. The land in front of him was dry and dusty. He looked to the sky and started crying. He laid himself on the ground and began to sob asking God why had he not answered his prayers, that all he could see was just dead and barren. And at that very moment God told him to stand up and look behind where he had been walking. When the man turned he began to weep again because behind him was a beautiful field, full and green. God spoke to him again saying: I heard all of those prayers. All of those storms that you went though and all of those tears you cried were just watering what I am preparing you for. Just because you didn’t see it doesn’t mean I didn’t hear you. Nothing has gone unnoticed.

I woke up the next morning to a phone call from a company with a job offer, M-F no weekends, and the hours will allow me to have time to spend with Judah. The pay and the benefits are excellent. This job is truly a blessing.

I know down deep that we will be more than okay. That if I leave the heavy lifting to God that He will supply my need and then some. I am so grateful for all that God has allowed me to have. I’m thankful for the great and the not so great. They have shaped me.

There is a quote that I have seen that says ” you never know how strong you are until being strong is the only option that you have” and I’m beyond words thankful that I don’t have to do it alone.

2013 was probably one of the craziest years that I have had. This year I was living with my sister and her family. Our divorce was finalized in March of this year. I moved into my own apartment. I lost my job. I hurt. I fell down and stayed down for a while. I cried a lot. I learned that things change, situations change and that people change. I dated some and quickly realized that it was too soon. I hoped and dreamed. I lost. I prayed and I understood why things did or didn’t happen the way that I planned. I complained and wallowed in a big pool of self pity…. almost all year long.

But in this year I also fought. I loved. I laughed a lot. I made new friends. I was blessed with another year with my son. Despite being unemployed God never ceased to provide for me and Judah. I prayed and God answered. I was blessed with a job that only God could have opened a door for. I got up. Learned to keep going. I hoped and I dreamed. I allowed myself to be vulnerable. I watched Judah grow, listened to him laugh and sometimes cry. I was the best mom I could be. I was reminded of just how much I am loved by my family and friends; reminded that despite feeling lonely at times that I am never alone.

This upcoming year I want to do things a little a lot different. I want to slow down and enjoy life, spend time with Judah, laugh more, spend more time with family and friends. Hopefully this year I can do more things with Judah. My plan is to do something different with him every month. Doesn’t have to be anything big. Maybe a museum or a new park, Sea World or Disney world or the beach. I want to take care of myself too. Physically, emotionally and spiritually.

This morning driving to work, I cried. I cried because I am SO very tired. On Wednesday Judah was sick. On Thursday I came to work for half a day and spent the rest of the afternoon caring for my sick baby. Friday he was even worse so we went to the doctor. One chest xray, three breathing treatments, and one dose of steroids later we went home.

Judah spent Saturday afternoon and Sunday with dad. Came home still feeling sick. I feel so bad, I wish that I could take his place. Early this morning, five a.m. to be exact, he was up. Crying. I brought him to be with me where he tossed and turned for a while. Put him back in the bed, where he tossed and turned for the next hour. 😦

He finally fell asleep around six o’clock but I couldn’t. 😦 Then he woke up again around six thirty. We got ready. And on the way to daycare, my baby fell asleep. He looked so peaceful. I know that he was so tired. This morning I wish that there were three of me. One to take Judah home and let him sleep, one to crawl into bed and sleep and the last one to go to work. I’m so pooped.

My prayer is that once we move into our new place things will calm down and we’ll be able to just sit back and relax.

I feel so frustrated right now. I feel like I’m running on fumes and even that is about to go out. So many changes in the past few months have left me spinning to say the least. My body is tired. We are moving in one week and five days. The 29th cannot get here fast enough.

I finally got the paperwork from the attorney and I have to admit that I cried. Sitting there in the parking lot of the attorneys office I cried as I read our names followed by the words dissolution of marriage. There are days that is doesn’t seem real. But it is. And the last days if being a married woman are finally here. My heart is broken into a million pieces over this, but you cannot force someone to love you no matter how much you think that they should.

I know life will go on. And maybe one day I will find some one new. Big changes. Most days I don’t feel like I could take any more life altering changes.