Caveat Spectator

Not only are these the best fight scenes in any version of
Around the World in EightyDays, they’re also the best fight
scenes in any Jackie Chan Hollywood buddy movie to date. They’re
actually so good, it’s a shame there had to be that annoying
filler about a race to circumnavigate the globe.

What’s that? You thought that Around the World in 80
Days was about a race to circumnavigate the globe? Ah,
you would be thinking either of the Jules Verne novel, or else of
the modestly entertaining, star-studded 1956 travelogue film
starring David Niven. In any event, that story has about as much
in common with this latest entry in the Jackie Chan Hollywood
buddy-picture franchise as the Gary Cooper Western High Noon has with Jackie Chan comedy-Western Shanghai
Noon — which is to say, they have similar titles.

Actually, what Around the World most resembles is Noon sequel
Shanghai Knights, also set in Victorian-era London and
featuring relatively decent action scenes. (An opening caption
for Around the World establishes the timeframe as "before
the turn of the century," presumably not meaning the most recent
such turn.)

Alas, England hasn’t fared well in the short years since
Shanghai Knights. In those days, the UK could at least
produce a formidable villain (Aiden Gillen, who repeatedly bested
Jackie in swordplay), and Queen Victoria was played by dignified
British thespian Gemma Jones.

Now, England is entirely populated by blithering twits,
including inventor Phileas Fogg (comic Steve Coogan) and his
scientific nemesis Lord Kelvin (Jim Broadbent). These English
antagonists are little more than buffoonish proxies for Asian
adversaries: Kelvin is secretly allied with evil dragon-lady
warlord General Fang (Hong Kong actress Karen Joy Morris), while
Fogg falls in with Chinese peasant Lau Xing (Jackie), who has
reason to call himself "Passepartout" and to pose as Fogg’s
French valet. Oh, and a dour-faced Kathy Bates now passes as the
Queen.

As usual, the particulars of the story don’t matter much. No
one watches a Jackie Chan movie for the story. Still, there has
to be some sort of story, and while the story can be
paper-thin, nonsensical, and clichéd — perhaps even
should be — it should also go down easy. Eye-rollingly
hackneyed is one thing; squirmingly embarrassing is another.

Around the World in 80 Days is in the latter category,
in part because of the way it reduces its actors to playing at
the emotional and intellectual level of, say, a typical Adam
Sandler character. (Unsurprisingly, director Frank Coraci’s
previous credits prominently feature a pair of Sandler films.)
Whatever you may think of Sandler, no one in his right mind would
want him playing the heavy in a Jackie Chan movie. Broadbent’s
final scene is just plain humiliating, and the other actors fare
no better. There’s just no excuse for this.

Because of this, Around the World seems targeted less
at undemanding action fans than at children too young to know the
difference (though the slapstick violence is a bit on the
sadistic side for children). The final act, in particular, is one
of the most aggressively stupid things I’ve seen in a long time.
Of course, I miss a lot of wretched films; perhaps
Garfield or Scooby-Doo 2 was worse. Still, it’s
saying something that Around the World is lamer as a movie
than any of Jackie’s previous U.S. films, even The Tuxedo.

Here is one stupid thing about the last act — far from the
worst thing in the film, but annoying nonetheless. In the
original story (spoiler alert), Fogg succeeds in going
around the world but initially believes he’s missed the deadline — until he realizes that in his eastward travel across
twenty-four time zones and the international date line he has
"gained" a day, and that the actual elapsed time is only 79
days.

The Jackie Chan version follows this conceit — except
that now it’s not just Fogg’s private confusion. In a climactic
confrontation, Lord Kelvin, his flunkies, and a huge crowd of
Londoners with wagers on the race all seem to think that
it’s the final hour of the last day. But they’ve all been
sitting at home in London counting the days; they have no
reason to be confused about what day it is!

About the best thing that can be said for the film is that if
you are enough of a fan of Jackie’s action choreography to see a
movie for the action and only for the action, Around
the World is worth your while. A big-scale martial-arts
battle in China, guest-starring potbellied action veteran Sammo
Hung as well as a full stunt team, is as close to vintage Jackie
Hong-Kong action as we’ve gotten in years. There’s also some
clever stuntwork with Jackie dangling from a hot-air balloon, and
the climactic fight scene in a New York warehouse holding the
unassembled Statue of Liberty is worth seeing.

On the down side, you’ll have to endure the horrific sight of
Arnold Schwarzeneggar in brownface and a fright wig, mugging as a
Turkish prince. Your call.