Friday, September 15, 2006

The Candidate

I'm writing to announce my candicacy for the U.S. Senate. Planned revisions to our way of life will include:

1. The carpeting of New York City in its entirety. This will improve our way of life dramatically, including but not limited to:

a. new-found ease in traversing the city wearing nothing but a robe and slippersb. an employment boom due to increased need for vaccum operatorsc. safer for the children, don't you think?

2. Existing subway lines will be augmented with a "thrill ride" option. Demands on natural resources will be lessened, as these new lines will operate primarily on momentum and looping spirals.

3. The need to have announced one's candidacy prior to a given party's primary will be abolished retroactively, once I am in office.

As an honest politician, I feel compelled to admit that my term of service, or rule, will focus almost exclusively on our metropolitan area, to the exclusion of our greener, more northerly climes. However I do take a singular interest in acquiring the sixteen acres where I grew up outside Port Jervis, New York (now subdivided and sullied by several family residences) and converting it to a State Park which only I and my dog can visit.