NEW YORK—Noting that the rampant problem has devastated rosters across the league, representatives from the National Basketball Players Association demanded an increased referee presence in high-foul areas, sources confirmed Friday. “Something has to be done to crack down on all the foul-ridden sections of the court,…

A couple from Canberra, Australia wrote in an editorial this week that if Parliament legalizes gay marriage, they will get a divorce because the decision will invalidate the original contract they believe they had with the state, which is that marriage is between a man and a woman. What do you think?

TAMPA, FL—In an effort to limit the number of opposing Chicago Blackhawks fans attending Game 5 of the Stanley Cup Finals, officials from the Tampa Bay Lightning announced Friday that Amalie Arena will be restricting admission exclusively to patrons who weigh 300 pounds or less. “With the goal of maintaining a fully…

NEW YORK—With the increasingly warm weather signaling the commencement of their age-old journey, millions of children across the North American continent began their annual summer migration to their fathers’ homes this week, sources confirmed. “At this moment, in every corner of the country, children are setting out…

Jack Ma, the founder of the Chinese ecommerce company Alibaba, who is reportedly worth $25 billion, reportedly told attendees at a luncheon that he was happiest when he was making $12 a month teaching college English. What do you think?

LENOX, GA—Cringing at the thought of the embarrassing blunder being forever preserved on film, a local garter snake was reportedly humiliated Friday after a documentary crew caught footage of it completely whiffing while lunging at a toad. “Dammit, I almost never miss, but of course as soon as the cameras are rolling…

CHICAGO—Racking his brain to come up with what he felt were the most natural and appropriate reactions, local man Jeff Stadler was reportedly forced to come up with 45 seconds’ worth of varied facial expressions Friday as his server at Superior Seafood Grill listed off the restaurant’s daily specials. “We have a…

PHILADELPHIA—Bracing himself as he monitored an ongoing interrogation from behind a two-way mirror, Detective James Harpin of the Philadelphia Police Homicide Unit nervously crossed his arms as Julian Calandra, the suspect in a recent string of disappearances, slowly swiveled his chair in his direction and began…

In an interview with The Telegraph, Lance Armstrong said that he feels like Harry Potter villain Lord Voldemort because the cycling world refuses to mention him or acknowledge he exists, saying, “[W]ho’s that character in Harry Potter they can’t talk about? Voldemort? It’s like that on every level.” What do you think?

CLEVELAND—With the 11-time NBA All-Star making no move to take out his wallet after receiving his Reuben from the counter, sources at Earl’s East Side Market confirmed Thursday that Cavaliers forward LeBron James was clearly expecting the deli to give him the sandwich for free. “Thanks, guys—so, all set?” said James,…

Packed with hundreds of food fairs, concerts, street sales, and movie screenings, summer is the best time of the year for attending festivals across the country. Here are some top festivals to look forward to this summer in cities around the nation:

ZURICH—Following widespread complaints that teams in the Women’s World Cup have been forced to play on synthetic fields, officials from FIFA held a press conference Thursday advising players unhappy with the turf to spend more time in midair. “In light of recent concerns, we are encouraging all players unsatisfied…

ELKHART, IN—Saying that he likes to indulge her every once in a while, local man Wayne Timmons, 28, reportedly treated his mother to a small detail about his personal life during a phone conversation Thursday. “I was talking with my mom earlier, and I figured I’d make her day by sharing a single piece of private…

WASHINGTON—Following weeks of declining performance within the nation’s highest judicial body, the Supreme Court announced Thursday that it has sent a struggling Associate Justice Samuel Alito down to a lower federal court. “Sammy’s been a little cold with his dissenting opinions lately, so we’ve assigned him to a…

COUNCIL BLUFFS, IA—Wincing at the declaration as he stood backstage at a campaign rally Thursday, former Republican senator Rick Santorum admitted that he was slightly embarrassed for the man who had just introduced him as the next president of the United States. “Oh, God, did I just hear that right?” Santorum…