How many people remember Rodney Dangerfield? His famous line was “I don’t get no respect.” Many men feel just as Mr. Dangerfield said that he did. I have heard that in my office on many occasions. Even recently as a wife was telling me how she was all alone and that she had to face parenting, working, and other issues in her life by herself, her husband just asked the question “Where am I in this equation? Am I even in the top ten things you think about?” What I heard him say, “I don’t feel respected by you at all.”

Respect is the need of a man in a relationship. Men get respect in what they accomplish and then in their relationships. Many men do not accomplish what they think they should have in their jobs and feel like they are stuck in life, so what do they do? They look for adventure. Most of the time in the wrong places.

Wives, you play an important part in the life of your husband. God tells you to respect you husband. Not everyone deserves the respect which I address in 5 Ways to Earn Respect in Your Marriage. In our relationship, we are to treat our spouse as unto Christ (Eph. 5:21). We love or respect because of what God tells us to do, not necessarily because the other person deserves it.

So how can you show respect to your husband?

Verbally: Your words are conveyors of how you truly feel; therefore, when you speak you are sharing what is on the inside of you.

Directly to your husband. Nagging and complaining to your husband about his deficiencies and his mistakes inform him that you do not respect him. After a while of only hearing negative words from his wife, the man will eventually find someone that will say something positive about him.

To your friends: I asked a lady in a church that I served several years ago why she didn’t attend any of the Women’s Ministry events. She told me that she was not going anywhere that the women bashed their husbands. It was not a positive influence on her marriage. Talking about your husband negatively in public will disrespect him because what is said about him usually gets back to him.

Let me encourage you to think of things that you can respect your husband for. Does he go to work faithfully? Is he home when he says he will be? Does he take care of the children? Let him know how you respect him. He probably knows why you don’t respect him.

Actually: What can you can do to show respect to your husband? The Bible informs couples that the husband is the head of the wife. He is to be the leader in the home. Many men are not good spiritual leaders, yet that is still their role. If a wife usurps that leadership, the husband feels disrespected.

Sexually: The sexual relationship between a husband and wife is one of the greatest areas a man feels the most respected. He desires to know that he is “enough” for his wife and that she is satisfied with him.

Respond to his advances. I don’t believe that the wife has to say “yes” every time her husband wants to have sex. There are many factors involved in that, but she needs to respond positively to him. She doesn’t need to just say yes out of obligation but rather because she wants to. Be an active participant with your husband, not a passive one. He feels more respected the more you participate.

Make Advances. This statement immediately creates questions for many women. Their sex drive is not as strong as their husbands. They might want sex, but are uncomfortable asking or initiating. It is their nature to respond but not initiate. This initiation is not to be all the time, but there are times that your husband needs to feel respected and you initiating sex would help build his respect levels.

The Importance of Respect to Your Husband

Your husband’s number one need in his life is to feel respected. The command that a wife is given by God is to respect her husband. These three areas of life will help you give your husband the respect that he needs.

How are you doing at respecting your husband? What are some ways that you show your husband respect that will add to this? I would love to read your responses.

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The past several days I have been writing about the woman’s need for security and the different aspects of what that means. We’ve looked at being able to understand her, the reason for her need of security, creating security in your sexual life, as well as in your financial lives. Each of these is very important for men to be able to create the secure environment his wife needs for the marriage to be fulfilling for her. With this information, we are on the way to having a happy marriage…BUT there is another side of the scales that need to be balanced. The other side is the Greatest Need in a Man’s life.
When I ask the question, “What is your husband’s greatest need in a relationship with you?” The answer usually is more sex. Some people answer love or understanding. Some men might say that the answer is more time for hobbies. All of these answers are good, but not the Biblical answer.

Ephesians 5:22 (NASB)
22 Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord.

This verse is not a popular verse in today’s society. They want to portray women who submit as weak and inferior. They say that submission is passé and old-fashion. The word that is used in the New Testament as submit means to place yourself under the leadership of someone else. The placement is a voluntary action. This action recognizes the line of authority that God has designed for the home.
It means that she recognizes that her husband is the head of the home and responds to him accordingly without usurping his authority to herself.
The Bible Knowledge Commentary: An Exposition of the Scriptures by Dallas Seminary Faculty.

1 Corinthians 11:3 (NASB)
3 But I want you to understand that Christ is the head of every man, and the man is the head of a woman, and God is the head of Christ.

Ephesians 5:33 (NASB)
33 Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband.

I want to focus on the need for men to be respected. We do not understand the word submit as well as we understand the word respect.
One of the aspects that need to be first understood is that women are supposed to respect, not because their husband is respectable but because God tells them to. (Just like men are supposed to love because God says so.) I realize that this can be difficult to do, because I do not always act in a respectable way. My wife, Lisa, cannot control me nor does she want to most of the time. Her job is to treat me with respect.
How are some ways that this will happen?
1. Talk respectfully. Do not belittle your husband. Do not argue with everything that he says. I am not telling you that you are not able to speak or that you cannot disagree with your husband. I am saying that when you do, you need to speak with respect in your voice.
2. Pray with him. Men desire to hear their wife pray out loud with them. I know that not everyone likes to pray out loud, but it does help in making your husband feel respected.
3. Follow him. God has made the husband the leader in the home. God did not ask anyone if that was a good idea or not. He set this hierarchy up in the Garden of Eden when He created Eve from Adam’s rib. Again, I believe a wife has the responsibility to share her desires and her needs. But, in the end, it is the responsibility for the husband to lead.
4. Have sex with him. Men feel respected when their advances are accepted. This is why so many men feel they need sex more is because they do not feel respected in their relationship with their wife.
There are other ways to help your husband feel respected. Tell him what he does well or what he does right. Encourage him to improve in areas that he needs to improve in.
Women, if you want your husband to realize that his marriage is very fulfilling you need to respect him. Ask him if he feels respected by you. Ask him how you can respect him more. It will bring both of you more satisfaction.

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Yesterday I wrote The Woman’s Greatest Need in Marriage and I finished by giving a list of the areas women need security. Today I would like to discuss the area of sexual security for a woman and how a husband can make his wife feel secure sexually.

We live in a very sexually charged society. We cannot drive down the road without seeing sexually explicit billboards. We’ve all heard the adage that sex sells. Well everything from the beer companies to the car companies believes that statement. When we turn on the TV we see all kinds of degrees of sexual content from the commercials to the shows themselves. Even when we open our mailboxes, there can be ads that are not the most wholesome. So what do we do about all of this in our marriages?

Women, for the most part, are very conscientious about their bodies. They have been comparing themselves to photos and other women most of their lives. Do I look as good as so-and-so? How do I compare to ________? I don’t like this area of my body or any part of my body. Then they see the models or the ads and it can create even more frustration and insecurity than ever before. If a woman has a baby, her body changes and then more insecurities can be felt. As a woman gets older, insecurities can prevail in her thinking.

Wow, when we start thinking about how a woman can feel about herself, we can see how difficult it is to maintain security in our relationship with them. So how do we maintain security in our sexual lives with our wives?

Having Eyes just for them. We need to be cautious of who we look at and how we look. I realize that many men do not think that it is wrong to look at other women. I have been told, “even though I’m on a diet doesn’t mean I can’t look at the menu.” I can tell you that an attitude like that does not create a secure atmosphere for a wife. Men, we need to focus on making sure that we do not stare, gawk or really even look at someone else. Even the TV shows that we watch can create insecurity for our wives. How do we respond to commercials or to how the people are dressed in the programs that we watch are very important. A lot of the time, I close my eyes or look at my wife during certain commercials or programs. She then tells me when I can look. This action by me helps my wife feel secure in our relationship.

Job 31:1 (NASB) 1 “I have made a covenant with my eyes; How then could I gaze at a virgin?

Matthew 5:28 (NASB) 28 but I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.

NO PORN!! I realize that this one is similar to the first one, but I want to reiterate this point. Pornography is demeaning to women. Your wife believes that she cannot compete with the women in the pictures and would not be able to perform as those women perform in the videos. If you want your wife to feel secure with you, you cannot be involved in such behavior.

Complement your wife. Tell her that you find her attractive. Tell her what you like about her body in flattering ways. Do not talk nasty. Most women again find this demeaning. I know that I am talking in generalities, but most of the time they are right.

Song of Songs 4:1 (NASB) 1 “How beautiful you are, my darling, How beautiful you are! Your eyes are like doves behind your veil; Your hair is like a flock of goats That have descended from Mount Gilead.

Talk about Sex. Talk about her needs and desires. Let her tell you what she likes. Let her guide you. It will be probably more enjoyable for you as well as for her. Tell her what you want and need. Wait for her response. Don’t force her to try something that she is uncomfortable with.

I know that these are just a few suggestions and there can be so much more written. I would love to hear how you can add to this.

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Many days in my counseling ministry I hear about how women feel their husbands do not understand them. When I make a statement about what it means to understand their wives, usually the women cry because for the first time in a long time they feel they are heard and understood. Now I’m not bragging because I am not the best husband or the best counselor. I have to admit that God gives me discernment and wisdom as I ask for them. I have to give Him the credit for,what happens in my office because without Him I couldn’t do what I do. This blog is not about how I counsel, but rather how men are supposed to understand their wives. How do men understand their wives when there are several differences in how we are created?
You husbands in the same way, live with your wives in an understanding way, as with someone weaker, since she is a woman; and show her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered. (1 Peter 3:7 NASB)
The Bible tells us to understand our wives, which seems to be an impossible task when women do not understand everything about themselves. The word that is translated understanding deals with the idea of being considerate and sensitive of their deepest physical and emotional needs. When I talk about emotional needs, I lose a lot of men because men have a very difficult time with emotions. The only emotion many men know is anger and they express that in inappropriate ways. That’s another subject for another day. Women function through their emotions mostly. They desire their man to care with them about the same things. I do not ask men to have the same emotion as their wives but I do ask men to care about their wives. Now how do we do this? We ask questions. These questions need to focus on how our wives feel. Men think analytically and not emotionally. It is a challenge for us to even ask about emotions. When she begins to talk about her emotions, we can begin to tune out. When we tune out, we tell our wives that we don’t care about them. Is it OK for your wife to cry and you not understand why she’s crying? Or do you tell her that she doesn’t have any reason to cry? What do you think she hears by that? The main thing she hears is that she is not cared about. Another way we can show our wives we understand them is by making sure we show them consideration. When they ask us to do something or not do something, we need to pay attention to their requests. I was told by a wife that her husband always tells her that she over-reacts to what he watches on TV. He is always watching shows that show scantily clothed women and it really makes his wife feel inadequate as a woman and a wife. She totally feels misunderstood. That conversation was so similar to others I have on a regular basis. Men, it is important that we show consideration to our wives desires and needs. When we learn how to do this, our relationship with our wives will improve greatly!