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Tuesday, November 12, 2013

In order to review the 2013 season, the crackpot staff of Off Base is handing out awards to each Major League team. Please send us $19.95 for the shipping and handling of your team's Hello Kitty stickers awards. Here are the Most Valuable Player, Least Valuable Player, Cy Young, Cy Yuck, Rookie of the Year and Reliever of the Year for the Cubs.

*Guidelines, prices and participation may vary by author*

MVP: Most valuable player for the Cubs? Well let's just take a look at the roster and......ahhhhh!!!! Run!! The Cubs roster is after us!!

Seriously, though, the Cubs' MVP was probably Anthony Rizzo. The great-great-grandson of Antonio Rizzo, great-grandson of Anthony Rizzo, grandson of Anthony Rizzo and son of Anthony "Tony" Rizzo hit 23 home runs and had a team-high 2.3 WAR.

If you lead your league in at bats (666) and play shortstop, you should probably have better numbers than Castro's .245/.284/.347 and -0.6 WAR.

And Barney's 2013 season was somehow worse as he hit .208/.266/.303, which is like slapping Wayne Tolleson in the face and shoving him down to the ground while he's popping up a bunt in foul territory.

But despite the rough season, the Cubs' second baseman still led the National League in several categories:

* Most home runs by a Darwin (7)
* Best stolen base percentage by a Darwin (67%)
* Best ERA by a Darwin since Darwin Cubillan's 5.40 ERA in 2004 (0.00)
* Easiest name to turn into Barwin Darney

The Dodgers' Edinson Volquez exists, so we can't call Jackson the NL's worst starting pitcher. Volquez had the worst ERA (5.71) and WHIP (1.59) of full-time starters, while Jackson was second-worst in both categories (4.98, 1.46). Jackson led the league in losses with 18, so Volquez was denied in his bid for the Leaf Crown.

The Cubs had a handful of good relievers, including Strop, who came over from the Orioles in a July trade and pitched to a 2.83 ERA and 0.94 WHIP in Chicago, and Parker, who had a 2.72 ERA and nearly 11 strikeouts per nine innings in his first full season.

After his excellent rookie season, Parker was rewarded by the team, who told the 28-year old that his face would be the new Cubs' logo starting in 2014.