Sunday, January 30, 2011

Well not yet but at the end February I'm heading to Hollywood for a week to search for a job and an apartment. I'm so excited so very very excited which for anyone familiar with my blog knows I really don't get excited about anything. I use to get excited about things but the last 3 or 4 years I've been just blah about everything. I have know idea where to even look to find a reasonably priced pet friendly apartment in a safe neighborhood (any suggestions) but I don't care. I'm going to be move by this summer and I just can't wait.

My parents though have been making all sorts of snide comments about if I fuck things up out there they wont be around to rescue me. Well I'm 24 fucking years old I don't need them to rescue me I just wish they would support me. It doesn't matter they can try to talk me out of moving half way across the country but it's not going to work my ticket is bought my room is booked and I'm going. Ah just so excited it can't get here soon enough I'm finally doing something that will make me happy.

Ok down to business I did a little bit better this week only 2 days over 1,000 calories. I really don't know what is wrong with me and my control. It's like some days when I have to eat because I'm meeting with some one it's like I have to force it down and pray that it wont come up 2 seconds later. Other days it's like I can't stop stuffing my fucking face. This week I'm only going to eat 900 calories or less everyday. I know 900 still sounds like a lot but I don't actually plan on hitting 900 calories I just like giving myself a lot of wiggle room just in case.

Oh I got asked about what happened with the whole drunken work slip up I totally forgot to update on that. Let's just say works been awkward since it happened. The guy I work with didn't lose his job but he was severely reprimanded and told if they heard another complaint about him not working he was gone. So he's not talking to me which is fine because he's creepy and smelly and gross. I'm just keeping my head down and not saying much because no matter how much I dislike the guy I don't want to cost anyone their job. Also the people I do really like aren't really talking to me either because they aren't happy with me about it so things at work are pretty lonely and crappy right now but I'll manage.

Saturday, January 22, 2011

It's been an extremely exhausting week for me. Monday was spent with me on the couch crying while stuffing my face. Tuesday and Wednesday was spent trying to hold back the sobs that where threatening to escape from my body. Of course holding back the lump in my throat isn't just emotionally exhausting but it's physically pain pain too so my throat was sore by the end of the day. The last three days I've had my emotions more under control but I've still been stuffing my face. So needless to say I've only been under 1,oo0 one day this week.

The only plus side to being over 1,000 calories all week is that I started using my plate on livestrong.com. It's been really great way for me to track my food in take. So anyway I did the thing to determine my calorie goal instead of putting in my actual weight I put in my ideal weight and that I wanted to maintain it. So even though I've been over 1,000 calories I've been under the amount of calories I should eat to maintain my weight. I've even lost a few pounds this week but it would have been more if I would have been stronger. I will do better this week. So that was my week god I hope I didn't bore anyone to death with this post I'll work on making them more interesting again.

Koala-I'm so sorry your vet did that to you and your cat it breaks my heart. I couldn't even imagine watching that happen to one of my cats I would be just a mess. I'm just at a lost for words after reading I can't believe a vet would let an animal suffer like that.

Gem-I don't think your dogs blame you for their deaths. I always think if I were in the hospital about to die I would want someone I love to be there holding my hand and talking to me about all the good times we had while I took my last breaths I think it's the same for animals. I feel like being there and holding your animal shows them you care about them. Also having the strength to put then to sleep shows them you love them too much to let them live in pain or suffer in anyway.

Thank you to both of you wonderful ladies for your love and support I really needed it.

Monday, January 17, 2011

Today I had to put my dog to sleep so all I've been doing is lying on the couch either trying not to cry or bawling my eyes out. The hardest part is how my heart breaks all over again when I walk in the door and he's not sitting there waiting to say hi. Or he's not running into the kitchen after me when I get a glass of water hoping I'll give him a treat.

I know we did the right thing putting him down because he was in so much pain and finally got to the point last night where he couldn't even stand up so my brother had to carry him outside to go potty. It wouldn't have been fair to make him live like that. He truly was the best dog in the world.

I guess that's all I'm trying to get back on some sort of posting schedule. It's been hard to make people read through my pathetic life. Anyway hopefully I'll post again soon.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Fuck fuck fuck fuck me up the ass fuck. Went out for my holiday party with my company tonight and well I kind of fucked up. When I drink my tongue gets loose and I start talk talk talking like crazy. of course being that I've eaten very little today the booze hit me a little faster then if I pigged out like the fat ass I am. Anyway so I work at a printing company as press support which means I sit at the end of the printing press and watch whatever we are printing come out of the ink dryer looking for ink leaks or imperfections. I know what you're thinking that has to the so boring to do day in and day out. Well your right it is but it's money so I'm not complaining. The worst part about it is the guy who runs the press will be like I hate my job so I'm going to take 8 hours to print 500 sheets and it drives me insane. I've been so frustrated with him that I accidentally told the owner of the company this. I'm so afraid I cost a man is job because I have no filter when I drink and is even worse when I don't eat before. shit!!!

Fuck I'm so nervous about facing everybody on Monday I don't know what to do. Oh god what have I done.

About Me

"So I'm out of control and out of my mind just remember one thing I think I'm just fine"
Don't try to fix me I'm broken but because I'm a perfectionist I will be the most perfect broken girl in the world. I just need a place to talk about my fucked up self and have people who can relate to me. If my issues bother you then fuck off because I will always be broken. I just want to be thin and find a way to be happy someday. My blog title says it all I'm hurting inside.