We are four humble men who love sports, but hate sports commentary. Peter Gammons is our hero and John Madden is our enemy. If you were to ask us our purpose, our answer would be simple: "We are forever locked in Mortal Kombat for the souls of sports fans everywhere. Statistics are our science and 'the immeasurable character of men' is the obsolete religion of blind faith. Our job is to prove that God doesn't exist and that athletes are merely cold, metal machines with no hearts or souls."

Filling in for The Bright One again. I feel like Rick Sutcliffe on Sunday Night Baseball!

Rain continues to plague America. The Red Sox-Twins game gets postponed until tomorrow, when a double header will be played.

After blowing back-to-back-to-back blown saves, Hanrahan gets back-to-back handshakes as the ice cold Washington Natinals (no, that's not a typo) beat the Braves by a score of 4-3.

Joe Beimel, the reigning king of not giving up home runs, goes on the DL with a left hip flexor strain. I'm no doctor, but hip injuries are never good.

I still say Hanrahan loses his job before June, but with Beimel out, it's going to be Garrett Mock's job to fuck up in the future. Yahoo! called Mock the Hanrahancuffs. I laughed.

Elijah Dukes continues to be a rule breaker and baseball badass. He was fined $500 because he arrived to practice five minutes late. How dare he attend little league charity functions! It's cool though, because the kids are going to pay the fine for him.

Chipper Jones, who flirted with a .400 BA through the first half of last season, is batting .353. Adam Dunn hit his 4th dinger of the season, seems determined to hit 40 again.

On the heels of 5 straight losses, the Orioles shut down the poppin' White Sox 10-3. Markakis went 4-for-4 (2B), while Huff went yard twice. Felix Pie continues to struggle, going 0-3 this game. Like I said yesterday, no trade backs.

Uggla continue to piss me off, going 0 for his last 20, with 6 Ks. His OPS has halved over that period of time. Hope you didn't buy high (or at all) on Bonafacio because he was not for real.

Gotta love those Phillies. Not because they are pitching or hitting particularly well, but because they are helping crush the Brewers' self-esteem. Manny Parra, who I finally dropped (and started for some unknown reason), continues to be ineffectively wild (4 IP, 7 H, 3 BB, 4 K, 5 ER) and the Phillies made him pay. Ryan Braun went yard twice in his 5-for-5 hitting binge, but the Phillies win 11-4.

Roy Halladay, who has been wheelin' and dealin' in his last three starts, got lit up by the Rangers. Ian Kinsler (who refuses to cool off) and Nelson Cruz (who I of course benched) went yard in the Rangers' 5-4 victory. Aaron Hill, who was on pace for 25 dingers before his concussion in 2007, now has 5 HR on the season. Is he for real? Probably not, as his career ISO is 1/2 of what it current stands at. His .388 BABIP (.365 BA) scream "sell!"

Jose Valverde picks up his first save of the season in Houston's 8-5 win over the Dodgers, but it was not without its drama. Manny, who went 2-4 with a HR on the night, almost knocked one out of the park with two men on. Instead, he flied out about 7 feet short of the right field wall.

Clayton Kershaw, who has been dominant in his last two starts, only lasted 4.1 innings (6 ER). He struck out 3, but also walked two and gave up a two-run shot to Carlos Lee.

Mets lose to the Cardinals 6-4, courtesy of Daniel Murphy's poor defense in left. Why pay Fernado Tatis $1.7 million if you aren't going to use him?

Oliver Perez (4.2 IP, 6 H, 5BB, 4 K, 4 ER) channels his inner wild thing. For an offseason that was peppered with value offerings, you gotta feel bad for the Mets, who were left out of the bargain hunting thanks some Scott Boras magic. How Boras convinced the Mets to pay Perez $36 million over 3 years is beyond my comprehension.

The once feared J.J. Putz has a meager 3 Ks through 8 IP. Sample size or age (31)?

Rockies beat the Diamondbacks 9-6. Mark Reynolds hit his 4th homer of the season (second in as many games), but has 16 Ks through 45 ABs. Reynold's is striking out 5% less than he did last season, but still whiffing in 1/3 of his ABs.

Manny Corpas has replaced Huston Street as the team's closer for now. Neither of them is pitching particularly well at the moment, so the name of the game is "who sucks less?" When Taylor Buchholz comes off the DL, he will eventually steal the job from whichever of them is closing.

Curtis Granderson left the yard in back-to-back at bats, but the Tigers still lose to the Angels 4-3. Manager Mike Scioscia was tossed from the game for arguing balls and strikes.

2009 Armando Galarraga pitched like 2008 Armando Galarraga, minus the luck. Do you expect him to outperform his FIP by over a full run again this season? Sell high and sell fast.

Tiger's GM Dave Dombrowski says they have "no interest in trading Miguel Cabrera". He goes on to say "Not only is it one of the last things we would ever consider, we have an owner [Mike Ilitch] who would never let that happen." Sorry, Boston.

The Tampa Bay Rays continue to struggle. The Mariners beat them 4-2.

Jarrod Washburn is having his best season in over a decade. The flyball pitcher tossed 7 innings of 5 hit, 3 BB, 9 K, 2 ER baseball. Some combination of Seattle's ballpark, which tends to deflate home runs, and a much improved (league-leading) defensive outfield are keeping the flyball-oriented Washburn dominant. He's worth a spot on your bench, but remember that he has a 5.35 career K/9.

Matt Cain (6 IP, 9 H, 0 BB, 5 K, 2 ER) outdueled Jake Peavy (7 IP, 3 BB, 3 K, 6 ER) in San Fran last night. Padres lose 3-8 as Peavy, who been uncharacteristically wild over his past two games (7 BB, 11 IP), struggles in his second consecutive outing. His second start aside, Peavy hasn't looked very dominant this season. Is this a case of sample size or a repeat of 2006? The World Baseball Classic has not been kind to Jake Peavy.

Brian Giles has an ISO of .038 this season. Even Willy Bloomquist has a .053 ISO. Ouch.

Last, but not least, The Cubs beat the Reds 7-2 last night. Rich Harden, who finally gets a win, continues to dominate batters (6 IP, 3 H, 2 BB, 8 K) in the NL. At this pace, if Harden stays healthy, he will have a 312 K season (180 IP of 15.6 K/9 baseball). I think I'm in love.

The Cubs need to find a place in the line up for Micah Hoffpauir. He hit his first home run of the season last night.