Debra Messing Finds Her Grace

When you've been doing the same thing for eight years -- like inhabiting the same lovably neurotic character on a beloved TV hit -- starting down a different path feels a lot like creating a whole new identity. Here, Debra Messing talks about the growing pains, good and bad, of her post-sitcom life.

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In most cities, celebrities stand out. People spot a famous face and they turn their head and stare, they tug on the sleeve of their friend. The truly brave actually approach, pen and scrap of paper in hand, to ask for an autograph. But in Manhattan, this behavior is rare, particularly downtown, where all the waitresses look like models and anyone you pass on the street could very well be famous. So when Debra Messing strides into the lobby of a SoHo hotel one early spring afternoon, not a single person here turns their head. Perhaps it's because Debra has a guitar slung over one shoulder and is wearing a patchwork velvet newsboy cap. She has walked in a side door behind two skinny, shaggy-haired rockers in sunglasses (despite the misting rain), so when I first spot her, I assume she's with the band -- until she sees me and smiles. I know that smile. It's contagious, big, and bright. It's definitely Debra Messing.

As she walks over to me, I blurt out, "Don't tell me you've joined a rock band, too!"

I say "too" because this May -- which marks the one-year anniversary of the finale of Will & Grace, the iconic sitcom that made this Brooklyn-born gal a household name -- the 38-year-old actress is starring in a TV miniseries and two films. In fact, she's just back from Australia, where she spent four months filming The Starter Wife, a six-hour miniseries based on Gigi Levangie Grazer's best-selling novel (May 31 on USA; see page 157 for our interview with Gigi). Debra stars as Molly Kagan, a 40-year-old housewife whose Hollywood-executive husband ends their marriage via cell phone weeks before their 10-year anniversary -- and the expiration date of their prenup. Debra will also be seen on the big screen as a Las Vegas showgirl in Lucky You, starring Eric Bana and Drew Barrymore, and in the Edward Burns film Purple Violets, as a failed-writer-turned-schoolteacher who reunites with three old friends.

She explains that she bought the Bontempi acoustic guitar for 3-year-old Roman yesterday, "and I spent hours last night trying to fix a broken string." Debra pulls off her cap to reveal her trademark locks, the color of autumn in New England: burgundy red with hints of orange and gold. Then she settles into her seat and tucks one leg beneath her as if she's visiting with a friend. Of course, she's never met me before. But that's Debra's charm.

Do people still think of you as Grace?
Absolutely. But now, I'm hearing more, "That's Debra Messing!" as I pass people on the street. Before, it was always, "There's Grace!"

So strangers really think they know you?
I've had moments when people are coming toward me with outstretched arms and I'm thinking, Is this my third cousin who I haven't seen in years? And then I realize, No, I don't know this person! At first, it scared me.

How were you able to put Grace away?
I don't think she'll ever go away. The last season was traumatic because we knew it was ending, so the anticipation of saying good-bye was drawn out, and both painful and exhausting. It was almost a relief when it was over. I went to Cape Cod with my family and relaxed. And I did not want to work for six months.

When did The Starter Wife come about?
Three months later. My agents sent me the script and said, "Just read it." I wasn't ready. And I'd never read the book. But I read it, and it was so smart and funny, I was compelled to do it. It shines a light on an ugly subculture of society that resonates well beyond Hollywood. Molly starts off as a successful mother and wife of a hotshot Hollywood executive, but gets no acknowledgment for her role as an equal partner. There is no validation, no awareness anywhere that her contribution is equally as valuable. So what at first seemed to me to be a limited, exclusive group of people quickly became universal. Very quickly larger themes rose to the top. She's 40 and single for the first time in more than a decade. She has to identify herself all over again

Does the series differ from the book?
[She looks at me with mock sternness, her Kewpie doll eyes narrowing to slits.] Yes. The ending in particular, but I'm not going to tell you how.

You're 38 and happily married, but you live and work in a culture that places so much emphasis on looks. Did you relate to that side of Molly?
Absolutely. I still feel like a complete outsider in Beverly Hills. And yet, even though I was the dork from New York who wore Birkenstocks instead of Prada high heels, I was invited into the club because of luck and other circumstances. I mean, look at my shoes! [She kicks one foot up in the air, waggling her boot at me.] I'm wearing motorcycle boots. Black clodhoppers. [She is. They're black and bulky with buckles up the side.] If I wore these in L.A., people would scream and run the other way! They are not Manolos.

Have you met these women, the wives of Hollywood executives?
In L.A., celebrity is valued more than it should be. So I'm invited regularly to charity luncheons where all the "wives of" are in attendance. They're expected to be there. And you very quickly see the unwritten laws of that world. There's an appropriate way to dress, to have your hair, and a required thinness. It's basically a cultivated casualness that's hard-earned, and it's expensive.

So when Molly talks about her weekly regimen, from the cellulite massages...
[Debra leans forward to the edge of her seat and jumps in to finish my sentence.
...To the waxing and highlights and laser treatments and plucking! The upkeep is par for the course in that world. The "wives of" have to maintain themselves in the same way that professional actors do: out of necessity. It's their job. But no matter what you do, you cannot tackle aging. At some point, nature is going to win. And in that world, that usually means you'll be traded in for a younger model.

In what other ways were you able to relate to Molly's character?
I was married to Will & Grace for eight years. So like Molly, I was starting a new chapter. There was a level of confusion about identity, and I asked myself similar questions: Who have I been? Who do I want to be? What life do I want to live?

So what life are you wanting to live these days? I've heard several different rumors -- that you're moving back to New York, that you were pregnant again....
[Debra throws her head back and lets out a huge belly laugh.]
That was the worst! One year after I gave birth, I hadn't lost all my baby weight. People were like...
[She drops her voice down to a whisper and looks covertly both ways as she leans in toward me.]
"She's pregnant." And I was like, "Nope -- I'm just fat!" I'm not one of those girls who can lose all that weight in six weeks, and by the way, who are those people?
[At this moment, I realize that while I have a Pellegrino, Debra has nothing. And for the record, she has lost all the baby fat. I ask if she'd like to order anything. She peruses the menu.]
Do you want to share something? Like a pizza or a salad?"
["Anything," I tell her, secretly hoping she'll order the pizza. She does.]

What about the rumor that you and your husband, screenwriter Daniel Zelman, are moving to Manhattan?
That's been circulating for years because as soon as I arrived in L.A., I wanted to move back to New York. And now we're here for a while because my husband wrote a TV drama for FX that was shot in New York. Of course, Murphy's law, his shooting schedule here overlapped with the time I needed to be in Australia, mid-October to mid-February. He's in editing right now, so now that I'm back in the States, we know the family has to be together. It doesn't matter where. That is it.
[She hits the arm of her chair for effect.] Roman and I got on a plane so that we can all have breakfast together before Dada goes to work. We need to have a bit of normalcy because the last few months have not been normal for our family.

So for the past four months, you and Daniel dealt with a long-distance marriage. That must have been hard, especially with a 3-year-old!
We've been together for 16 years, and the longest I've been away from Daniel prior to this was three weeks. And not only apart, but we were on other sides of the world -- like, "What time is it there?" "The next day!" Thank God for iChat. Plus, I was on the set 16 to 18 hours every day. It was the most grueling work experience ever. Out of the four months of shooting days, I had one day off.

Aren't there labor laws against that?
I know! I was like, "Wait a second! This is inhumane!" But this is what actors do! Financial constraints mean that you work intense hours in faraway places for short amounts of time. This challenged every muscle: acting, mothering, wife, friends, and family. I had no time.

Was Roman with you or with his dad?
Roman was with me the entire time. And the nanny was in Australia with us, too. But Roman grew up on the set of Will & Grace. He came to the set with me every day, so he's used to being in that world.

That says so much about the working environment of Will & Grace.
Yes, it was a family set. He calls Megan [Mullaly] "Meggy" and Jim Burrows, the iconic TV director, "Papa Jimmy." It was great because the shooting schedule of a sitcom is so conducive to family life. I would be home at 4 p.m. every day.

So you never felt like you were missing out on the experience of being a mother?
Not one bit. I breast-fed Roman for 14 months, took a bath with him every night, and put him to sleep. And I was grateful for it. I know that not all mothers have that privilege because of the hours they work.

Did you know The Starter Wife was going to be shot in Australia?
Silly me, I read a script about a woman who lives in L.A. and then moves to Malibu and I thought, Great! I will be able to go home every night! When they started talking about Australia, I almost turned it down. When you think that you're not going to have much upheaval and that you're going to be able to maintain consistency with your family life, and then you can't, it is a messy thing. And hard. But Daniel and I had a sit-down and realized we've been spoiled. I had the equivalent of a 9-to-5 job for eight years, which isn't normal for working actors. They go where the work is. We realized, if it's not this project, then it will be the next, so why not make this the family experiment?

Is that how you two make all big family decisions? Sit-downs?
Yes. We look at situations from every angle, knowing that our family always comes first.

How did you meet Daniel?
On our first day of grad school at NYU [New York University]. We were two of 15 people! We had 70 hours of class a week for three years.

Did you fall for each other immediately?
No. We were just classmates. And then we did Romeo and Juliet together. That was my attempt to get him alone. And it worked.

And yet you're doing a show about a woman who truly finds herself after the dissolution of her marriage. Do you and Daniel allow each other to grow as individuals within your marriage?
We attempt to every day. But I'm not one to give out marriage advice. Circumstance has so much to do with whether or not your relationship survives and evolves. Daniel and I are very different -- he's levelheaded, whereas I'm more the fiery, emotional one. But over the years, we've grown to be more alike.

So you're the one asking, "But what if?" and he responds, "We'll do this"?
Yes. But don't get me wrong -- it's work every day. It's sacrifice and compromise. Life is hard, and it's not in our human nature to compromise quickly and easily. It's something you have to want to learn how to do.

You got noticed pretty early in your career. For example, you were chosen as young Ms. Rhode Island.
[Debra was awarded Rhode Island's Junior Miss title in 1986. When I mention it, she slinks down in her chair and her eyes widen in mock horror.] We're not talking about that.

But I love that fact! From that to finally winning the Emmy after... 100 years!
[She nearly shouts in exaggerated exasperation, then bursts out laughing.]

More like six years.
I was nominated for six Golden Globes and never won, and two Emmys before I finally won. Every time Daniel and I were in the limo on our way to an awards ceremony, I'd ask him, "Do you think I'm going to win?" And he'd say, "No."
[She's doubled over laughing now, eyes wide and shiny.]
I adore Sarah Jessica Parker, but I was always up against her. And she was winning everything.

Do you think it was because Carrie had better shoes than Grace did?
She had better shoes, better hair. That girl had it all. So I'd ask Daniel, "Who do you think is going to win?" And he'd say, "Sarah Jessica Winner." That was our nickname for her. We had a very healthy attitude about the whole thing. We knew it was ridiculous to be invited to those things to begin with, like, who ever would have thought?

That you'd get picked up in a limo and dressed by designers like Armani?
Yes! For years, Daniel and I lived in New York and went to Dojo, a supercheap Japanese restaurant, for our big night out.

What don't you miss from Will & Grace?
I like not having my day structured. I like not knowing where I'll be on a Tuesday nine months from now. As terrifying as that is for a control freak like me, it's also totally liberating. I could be in Africa! Or in New York!

And how has being a mom changed your life?
I feel like a different person. To see the world through a child's perspective, where everything is wondrous, is the miracle of children. You get to bear witness to their discovery of the world. And it's an hourly thing. Three is an amazing age, and then add boy to it! The energy is out of control. And just when you think it might dissipate, he just pumps up the volume a little bit more.

And you also get to go to Wiggles concerts.
We saw The Wiggles in Australia! And of course I know every word to every song. We're groupies.

What's been the biggest surprise for you about being a parent?
I remember the first few months after I gave birth, I was enraged that my closest friends and family did not tell me how hard it was. I said, "Obviously it's a miracle and I love my child, but why didn't you tell me how exhausted I was going to be? And how difficult the hormonal changes are?" And they all said, "If we told you the truth, you wouldn't want to do it."

That's why kids are so cute.
Exactly. Otherwise you'd just hand them off to a bear in the woods! [And on that note, she pulls on her coat, grabs Roman's guitar, and is off. As she whisks through the hotel lobby, her trench coat literally floating behind her, one skinny, shaggy-haired rocker says to the other, "Is that Debra Messing?"]

Girl meets world: Debra drove herself to the shoot and made a special point when she walked into the Los Angeles studio to go around and introduce herself to everyone. "She was very real and genuine," says Special Projects Director Lori Berger. "She also told me how excited she was to be on the REDBOOK cover." The photographer was Matthew Rolston, who had recently worked with Debra in Australia where she was shooting The Starter Wife, a miniseries for USA based on Gigi Levangie Grazer's best-selling novel of the same name. Matthew shot promotional shots for the series. Debra was happy to see him again so soon and gave him a big hug, then they spent a while catching up.

Wedding crashers:
At first, Matthew considered doing a shot of Debra in a wedding dress dripping with diamonds. The idea was to play off of her role in The Starter Wife; Debra plays a woman who's tied to a world of Botox, blow-outs, and brown-nosing with the Hollywood elite until her high-powered husband of 10 years abruptly announces he wants a divorce. Debra tried on a few wedding dresses (Vera Wang was one of her favorites), but ultimately everyone decided a more general direction might work better. "I wouldn't want people to think I just got married," explained Debra, who's been married to screenwriter Daniel Zelman for 16 years. A Grecian-inspired mauve Derek Lam dress was an instant hit. Sophisticated and with a hint of old-school glamour, it was an ideal look for a woman who's ready to enjoy all the good things life has to offer -- an apt description for both Debra and her character.

Bling it on:
What woman wouldn't love being presented with $6 million worth of diamond rings? We moved past the idea of Debra in a wedding gown, but the idea of Debra dripping with diamonds was just too good to give up. Jeweler Martin Katz lent us oodles of gorgeous rings and Debra hopped up on the side of a coffee table to try them all on. "I don't know a whole lot about diamonds," said REDBOOK Photo Director Bruce Perez, "but when you're looking at a $16,000 ring, you know you're looking at something special. They were so clear, caught the light so beautifully. They were amazing."

"Will REDBOOK buy one for me?" Debra jokingly asked at one point. Her publicist teased her that she asked that at every photo shoot. "Well, if I keep asking, maybe one time, someone will say yes!" she said, laughing. See a few of the glittering goodies on p. 152 in the June issue.

Roman holiday:
After lunch, Debra's 3-year-old son, Roman, showed up with his nanny. "Debra just lit up when she saw him," says Lori. "They were playing games and singing songs and when it was time for her to get in front of the camera, Roman started to cry, so she brought him on the set with her and played with him while Matthew took pictures." In her interview with REDBOOK, Debra told us how energetic Roman was. "I can testify to that," says Bruce. "He was running all around and seemed to be having a great time." After the shoot, Matthew sent Debra several of the photos he had taken of her and Roman together.