~ If life gives you lemons, make a martini

Tag Archives: IVF

Yes, indeedy – a company plans to sell an in-home sperm sample kit available at your local Wallgreens just about any day now.

I have several thoughts about this:

1. They claim it’s convenient and private. I’m sorry, but your wife handing you a box and saying “go produce a sample” is neither convenient nor private. Now, I’m the guy that had to leave samples down the hallway from my mother-in-law, so believe me, the private thing rings true — but I seriously doubt many men are going to be given the option of doing the deed on their own time. There’s going to be a tapping foot outside the door. Good luck, gentlemen.

Been a while since I checked in here, but I thought I should share perhaps the most ridiculous and ironic turn of events in my life recently.

If you’ve read the book, first of all a big thank you. If you managed to make it to the end of the book, you’ll know why this is just so friggin’ perfect.

A quick summary for you: Wife and I did four rounds of In Vitro Fertilization, and they all failed miserably. I had to leave “samples” in a room in which I developed quite a relationship with the poor couch that was cursed to live there. I had to leave these samples about 10 feet from where my mother in law sat – at her desk job. Yeah, just stupid embarrassing. What’s more, if you read the book, you’ll recall that she actually bought me dirty magazines for “inspiration,” apparently thinking that I was somehow doing it wrong in there. Sigh…

So anyway, we’re moving on to international adoption because we are given little to no chance of ever having a biological baby. And then, poof – we’re preggers. And then, blammo – we’re pregnant again. And then, yes — pow — we’re pregnant again. None of this makes any sense whatsoever.

So right now, we have a 4 year old, a 2 year old, and an almost 1 year old — all biological (ostensibly all mine, although I have threatened a DNA test…), no medical intervention, all seemingly flipping miracle babies. And about a month ago, we had a little scare that #4 was on the way and I almost peed my pants. We went from praying to God for one baby to praying to God to turn the faucet off.

So, as unexpected FNB’s (again, you’d need to read the book) who weren’t supposed to be able to have babies, I found myself on the operating table having the contents of my manhood cut and cauterized much to my dismay. This, I thought would be the ultimate irony of my life. I was told I’d never make babies, and here I am making sure that I’ll never make any more.

But no. I was wrong.

During the procedure, there was a lot of chit-chat with the doc as he’s actually a very interesting, personable, and funny guy. So along the way I asked when I was supposed to come back in to have “the boys” tested to see if there are any swimmers left in there. He told me roughly two months. Should I come in or do I simply bring in a sample, I asked. And that’s when things got interesting.

We have a new policy, he said. They’re no longer doing the tests at the office. They’re having another office collect the samples.

“Have you heard of the Infertility clinic near the hospital?” he asked.

And I lost it. Laughing out loud, right there, with his tools buried in my most private of areas — I was in tears.

That’s right folks, the place where I had to leave all those samples for all those failed IVF rounds with dirty magazines purchased by my Mother-in-Law, who just happens to be down the hallway. The guy that couldn’t make babies with the worlds most advanced technology is going back to sit on the suicidal couch and leave a sample to make sure I can’t make babies ever again.

And I should add that I’m the very first person to “take advantage” of this new policy. The first person.

Unbelievable.

This life refuses to be predictable. It’s really quite perfect, don’t you think?

Best to you all — and I wish for everyone that you get what you want in life, and if that includes a little one, I pray to God you get your wish.

Like this:

In I wish I was making this up news, the New York Times ran an article about a sperm donor that is the biological father for potentially more than 150 people.

I have about 150 snarky remarks to make about that, but I’d like to think I could be mature enough to look at this objectively as a pretty thorny ethical issue. And I sort of can.

I kind of wish they’d have actually interviewed some of the offspring, but the article never goes there. It could have been about a 2500 word piece that got crammed into 700 words or so, and thus it just barely scratches the surface of the nuttiness this issue can spiral into.

Go Team (IF) started in 2011 when Cameron & Kristin Call found out they would need to raise money quickly in order to afford the treatments necessary for starting a family. The response and donations received in a short amount of time was incredibly humbling. Support came from all sides to help us bring our little one home.

Through a miraculous sequence of events, we were able to afford our treatment before the auction even happened. The outpouring of support, though, could not be wasted. So, we set out to find a couple that could benefit from the generosity already shown.

We are so excited to be able to offer this auction to Allen & Jill Witt.”

Pretty friggin cool, no? Head over there and bid on some stuff once the auction starts, won’t you?

So the book got nominated, but it needs to squeak into the top five in order to make what will be the “real” final list for consideration. Once that list is out there, then the supporters of Resolve.org vote to decide the actual winner.

I’m not holding out any hope whatsoever that I win the “Hope Award” – but I would really like to see at least one title in the top five be from a guy. I just think it’s important for issue-awareness. So, with that in mind, if you would be so kind as to head over to the Ladies in Waiting book club site and vote, that’d be swell. If you happen to vote for Swimming In Circles, that’d be even…well…sweller.

One, that the “not normalness” of children who are brought into the world with the aid of in-vitro fertilization is entirely tied up in the fact that it produces a higher rate of multiples, and thus, children that may be birthed early and smaller. Does that really make IVF kids “not normal”? No. In fact, even if you could argue that it puts them at higher risk for X, Y, and Z – I defy you to give me a definition of what “normal” is.

Two, that it leads with such an incendiary headline that would somehow suggest that IVF kids aren’t “normal”. That’s like asking adoptive parents if they “can have one of their own.” Get. A. Clue. Seriously. My God.

The half is related to just how many grammatical errors are in this thing, which lends itself to the total lack of credibility of the French Tribune.

It’s drivel like this that makes me very worried that things like Journalism standards and ethics are becoming a thing of the past.

This was a part of my life so long ago, and yet remains such a part of my life today. It’s all very surreal. But regardless, if you have ever known anyone that has had issues trying to have a child, maybe this thing will provide some degree of commonality. To what end, I have no idea – but my hope is that it will relate.

Anyway, the project I started so long ago just hit Kindle. It should be available on the Nook soon, and it’ll be available in print in about three weeks if you can’t stand all this screen time.

Thanks to anyone that reads it, thanks to anyone that reviews it, and thanks to all the folks that helped it come to fruition.

This isn’t a rant, nor is it going to be eloquent. I’m just going to comment, and perhaps you might too.

Here’s the deal: I’m sure this has been kicked around plenty of times on the moral-ethical debate front, but I’m going to go ahead and say that I think 72 years old is too old to have a baby.

“Five years ago, Romania’s Adriana Iliescu became the oldest mother in the world. Then she was sixty-six years. Today, at the age of seventy two years she again wants to repeat the experience of 2005 i.e. to… get pregnant (using)… in-vitro fertilization (IVF), reports British paper ‘The Mail’ on Sunday about the woman who is well aware of her age and does not hide the fact that ‘once again she is trying not to look in the mirror.’”

First thing you’ll notice if you read the article? It appears to be written by a 9 year old aspiring journalist. Get an editor!

Second thing you’ll notice is the picture of the elderly woman smooching a baby. Which, is cute and all. But c’mon. That woman is going to have a baby?

I have to admit I feel like a real asshole for saying it is unequivocally creepy that a 72 year old become pregnant. After all, I think Tony Randall was 79 when he fathered his last child – and if that’s ok with society, well then why the hell not have a 72 year old mommy?

Maybe it’s because I’m a guy (quick check…yep, I am) and I held my mother on such a pedestal. When I lost her last year, I was devastated. How old was she, you ask? 73.

Am I jumping to conclusions thinking that it’s not her biological clock that this woman needs to think about – it’s just her TICKING CLOCK? Birthing children knowing you’re going to be damned lucky to see their 8th birthday just feels irresponsible. I can hear many of you saying that we’re all going to die and none of us can predict when we’re going to go, yeah, yeah, yeah…

But let’s be practical. A 35 year old woman statistically has many years left in front of her provided she’s not addicted to heroin and enjoys bus-dodging as general sport. A 72 year old woman, statistically speaking, has ONE YEAR, on average, to live. Yes, the average life expectancy of a Romanian is 73 years of age.

Is it fair to the kid? I think the answer has to be no.

But can we legislate an appropriate age for assisted reproductive technology? I think the answer also has to be no.