I
had known that I was dead shortly before I was staring Death in the
face. Or rather, the amorphous blob of darkness that was Death's
closest analog for a face. The body of Death was presumably the same,
but all I could focus on was the face. Even the ambient light from
the afternoon sun on the train platform and rails did not phase the
moving void in the slightest.

For
having just died from hitting the electrified rail on the elevated
train tracks, I seemed surprisingly happy. I guess I wanted to remain
happy even after my demise. "So," I asked Death. "Am I
going to Heaven or Hell?"

NEITHER,
came the reply. D-RANGER HAS SELECTED YOU FOR A REASON.

"And
that is?" I inquired anxiously.

YOU
MAY ASK HIM WHEN HE ARRIVES, Death answered curtly, pointing (a
finger?) down the tracks. BUT I DOUBT HE WILL ANSWER YOUR
QUESTION. HE HANDLES MANY CLIENTS AT MY REQUEST.

When
I had died, the instant had frozen in place to me. But now, I could
clearly see motion coming from down the tracks. At first, the shape
appeared distorted by the still heat waves in the air. The white
cloud issuing forward from the speeding object caused me to think it
was an old fashioned steam engine. Death was no longer visible (or
merely choose not to remain seen). Whoever (or whatever) the
"D-Ranger" was, I was about to find out.

A
closer look at the train dispelled any thoughts it was something I
had seen before. What I had assumed was steam, upon closer
examination, was a white fluid quickly dissipating into the air. The
front of the object was no black metal locomotive with a cowcatcher.
Instead, the object looked organic, which caused me to think of a
phallus' foreskin. Below the circular, fleshy front of the train were
several chitinous "wheels" that hissed as they rolled.

As
the train came into the station, the entire train came into view.
Behind the "glans" of the organic machine, I saw the source
of the liquid: a small phallus-like object, ejaculating a white fluid
into the atmosphere. The entire body of the "locomotive"
appeared as one long phallus, save for the "cabin" at the
end of the locomotive. Blue and purple veins carrying unknown fluids
inside were visible under the fleshy device.Instead of traditional
windows, a number of massive eyeballs protruded from the front and
sides of the ossified cabin. At first, the horrifically oversized
pupils erratically examined their surroundings, until I could see
them. Almost all at once, they all locked their gaze at me. A strange
chirp of glee issued forth from somewhere on the engine.

Examining
the cabin further, I traced the source of the bizarre sound. At the
place I would expect to see a door in the back of the engine, there
was naught but a vertically-opening mouth, lined with countless
jagged teeth on either side. Behind the teeth was a fleshy, exposed
membrane that vibrated as the high-pitched chittering continued.

Behind
the engine was a membrane connecting it with a series of similar cars
behind it. Vaguely resembling intestines, the membrane twitched and
throbbed. Smaller veins snaked their way through the tissue. The
railcar directly behind the locomotive had three similar door-mouths
on the side I could see, and a number of quaking bosom-like
protrusions on the roof.

The
other cars I could see resembled this construction. As I looked down,
I noticed something especially peculiar about the chitinous wheels I
had seen before. They had now unfurled, not unlike pillbugs. The body
of the train now sagged notably lower, as the wheels had unfurled
themselves into a multitude of insectile legs. The train began to
walk off the tracks, and towards me. The engine faced me, and
something appeared different about the front. Someone was trying to
climb out of the large, fleshy hole in the center of the "glans."
If it was a (normal) phallus, the unfortunate fellow would be trying
to climb out of a urinary duct. However, on an entity that resembled
a carnivorous, organic, and phallic train, I doubted that standard
anatomy would prove relevant here. I was unsure if the train, or the
man was the "D-Ranger."

The
man exploded out of the front of the train in a shower of spunk.
Pulling himself up, I could tell he was hardly a normal man. Even
with spunk soaking his leather coat, I could tell he dressed like a
stereotypical cowboy. He wore a ten-gallon hat (which miraculously
still stuck to his head), a leather coat (made of an unknown sort of
leather), and wearing boots with spurs (which seemed to resemble
bones to me). However, he only had a single holster on his right hip.
The other out of place thing (of many) about the man was his belt
made of unraveled coathangers.

Before
I could say anything, the D-Ranger drew his sidearm and leveled it at
me. I focused on the weapon closer. The weapon resembled a
combination of a grotesquely enlarged fetus, a straightened phallus,
and standard pistol. The fetal aspect terminated with the head. The
two beady eyes of the fetus melded seamlessly into a phallus I
assumed acted as the gun barrel. Instead of a traditional pistol
grip, the vestigial tail of the fetus was held. The legs of the fetus
had not yet separated, and they remained fused to the tail. The
trigger, however, was one of the most disturbing features of the
"gun." Comprised of what I assumed to be malformed arms,
the fingers of the D-Ranger drew them backwards.

"Excuse
me, Mister D-Ranger," I said formally. "But who are you,
and where are you taking my soul?"

"That's
none o' your concern," he said as he shoved the bizarre pistol
at my back. "Now, get in there!"

He
pointed towards the mouth-door of the engine's cabin. The closer the
D-Ranger forced me, the more excited the train got. The engine's eyes
watched me hungrily.The engine continued chittering happily. Deep
inside, I felt why it was happy now. It was feeding time.

Before,
I did not want to find out what "Phetal" shot. Now, it was
time to put aside my fears and run away from the monster. As I turn
to run, I heard what sounded like an infant crying. The sudden jab of
pain in my back reminded me how close the D-Ranger had placed the
barrel to my back. I fell flat on the ground in pain. Something
acidic was eating through my back, and draining my strength. I could
feel the D-Ranger grab one of my legs, and start dragging me towards
the train's waiting maul.

"I
don't know why they always make it so darn hard," was the last
thing I heard the D-Ranger say.

He
loaded my weakened form into the engine's mouth, and shoved me
backwards. At once, the mouth slammed shut, and foul-smelling fluids
began to fill the organic chamber I was in. I could feel my very
existence began to dissolved as the fluid level rose. Bits of rotten
and partially digested flesh floated around inside the soup, and
soon, they enveloped me. That was the last thing I remembered as I
passed through the same digestive system that had devoured countless
other entities: angels, demons, heroes, villains, and mortals. Each
passed through, and each had unknowingly left bits of themselves to
greet the next unfortunate victim. Beneath the bits of divine and
mortal detritus, I finally succumbed to the D-Ranger and the train to
nowhere.

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