Breaking: China Stops Testing Cosmetics on Animals

After years of harassment from PETA, the Chinese Dictators have approved a new non-animal testing method for cosmetics.

Pets will no longer be sacrificed to Cthulu with the smell of Chinese hairspray. Rather, they will be roasted over an open bonfire and fed to starving Chinese families.

No animal should get shit sprayed in its eyeballs or sprayed with potentially lethal thingies for consumers (unless it’s a Skunk, Racoon, Large Squid, Bigfoot, or Loud Dog)

All the way back in ye olde 2012 PETA showed that American companies were shipping their prototype cosmetics to Chinese companies to test on animals.

Human Trials

Due to lack of time and budget cuts, cosmetics are now to be tested on China’s and North Korea’s POWs.

In an interview with Hitomi Yukiko, a white-collar Japanese worker who was abducted by North Korea, our interviewer was unable to ask a single question before the Yukiko began puking blood before having his head swell to the size of a Ferrari 488 GTB.