Monday, June 17, 2013

Seeking Sage Advice on Bridezillas and Feeling Like A Shitty Friend

Dear East Side Bride,I'm in a bit of a conundrum as we speak. Currently, I am set to be one of two MOH's at my friend's wedding.A little background -- we have been friends for 14 years -- close at times and distant at others -- she is one of my oldest friends. About a year and a half ago, she started dating her now fiance and truth be told, just because of the different things we were going through at the time, we weren't particularly close. Fast forward a few months later, they're engaged, I still don't see her too much and really don't know him very well and can count the number of times I've seen him on one hand throughout their whole whirlwind relationship.This girl is no low-maintenance bride. When she originally asked me to be a bridesmaid, I knew they would be getting married in Mexico, and no other ceremony had been planned. What started out as a simple destination wedding has turned into a full-blown circus involving TWO full blown weddings --one smack in the middle of Labour Day weekend (of which none of us bridesmaids had been consulted as to whether we will be in town/ available for, but we are all expected to help set-up), a secondary "symbolic" wedding in Mexico a few months later, not to mention multiple out of town day trips in order to find her two wedding dresses, our bridesmaids dresses AND taking a day off of work to do alterations two hours from where we live (We live in a very cosmopolitan city and this girl isn't getting any special deals/special connections to justify doing them so far away).I've been in a handful of weddings and have plenty of girlfriends who've gotten married, but this is by far the most high maintenance bride I've ever dealt with. Which usually, I would say is fine -- if you like what you like and know what you want and are adamant about it and honest from the get-go, then by all means, go for it. Problem is, she tries to mask her bossiness by asking our opinions AFTER she's already made up her mind about something, and if your opinion goes contrary to what she wants, she claims she's "Pulling out the bride card." Truth be told, she pulled out the bride card the second that engagement ring went on her finger.I'm not particularly close with the other MOH and bridesmaid, so I have no idea if they're thinking the same thing. Part of me feels like a shitty friend for thinking all these things, especially since the other two are seemingly going on with everything with no muss or fuss, like, Maybe I'M the crazy one. My friend is getting married, I'm supposed to be happy for her -- instead I find myself dreading every wedding-related conversation.Fast forward to the present day. I am currently going through a difficult time where I've broken up with my boyfriend of 4.5 years, and I'm not feeling particularly supported by her as a friend. When I informed her of my situation with my boyfriend, she exclaimed "Hallelujah! Did you tell your family, are they going to throw you a party?" (A little background on MY relationship -- he's a lovely man, we love each other very much. However, he's been in a place for some time where he has a lot on his plate where it doesn't allow for much to be put into our own relationship and we've only admitted such to ourselves recently.)The last time I spoke to her about my relationship I mistakenly told them about a particularly reckless period in Lovely Man's life (when he was much younger and years before we met). She and her girlfriend ganged up on me and kept asking "Are you sure he's not cheating on you? How do you know he's not like that anymore?!? Are you SURE about that? How do you KNOW?" I'd like to point out that this is no more than 30 minutes after my own bridezilla friend admitted she has such vivid dreams of her fiance cheating on her, she is convinced they're real and will call him upon waking up, accusing him of infidelity. And what did I do as she told me this? I politely smiled, lent a sympathetic ear and exclaimed "that's AWFUL!" without flaming out any accusatory questions or statements.At this point in time, I can't help but dwell upon the fact that I've signed on to invest a lot of time and money into making her happy, yet she can't seem to grasp the basics of Friendship 101 with me. While not all of her demands are completely outlandish, I feel like this has been the straw that broke the camel's back because here I am jumping through hoops for this girl like a goddamn circus monkey, and she keeps trivializing what has been the most important relationship of my life.So what do I do? Do I bite the bullet, put up with her outlandish demands for another few months, or do I attempt to bow out gracefully, knowing full on that this will definitely affect and potentially end our friendship?Signed,Feeling-Like-The-Maid-Of-Dishonor

*****

I know you're writing to ask my permission to bow the fuck out, and here it is....

I'd give her a shot: put everything on the table, explain your frustrations and hurt feelings, and give her the opportunity to recognize her mistakes and do the right thing. Then, based on her response, decide if you still want to be her MOH.

The only tricky thing about talking it out here is it gives the bride everything she needs to manipulate OP into continuing to deal with this shit. This has been going on for long enough for the bride to have PLENTY of opportunity to self reflect and realize she's being a douchenozzle. If she hasn't figured it out on her own, a heart to heart probably isn't going to be the secret unlocking key.

Quick like a band aid: I didn't realize the full time/financial commitment when I signed on for this. I'm excited for you and would love to be there with you on your big day, but need to bow out of the MOH role and just attend as a guest.

I think you have a perfect (and true!) excuse for bowing out without having to put the friendship (or whatever) at risk. You are going through a hard break up. She's aware of that. Tell her you would be happy to come to one ceremony (I'd choose Mexico!), but you can't be the MOH she deserves because you need time for yourself.

my Mom always used to tell me that if I had a friend that wanted to play with me and I didnt want to play, I could just blame her. She still doesnt mind taking the heat. all i had to say was "my Mom totally grounded me/ doesnt want me to have fun/ hates me".. I now apply that to work situations where I have to ask clients and partners tough questions or tell people 'no'. I always use the "my boss is just the worst" excuse.if you dont have the heart to tell this bully friend that you cant stand her ridiculous demands - i think you have to just blame Lovely Man and your broken heart. "its just too difficult a time for me to support you the way you deserve. im happy to attend, but i know that MOH #2 will do a great job for you".Bow Out.

If you word it and make it about herself and how you don't think you'd be giving her the bridesmaid she needs during this important time in her life (blah blah blah bs blah blah) it's what she'll want to hear.

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