tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-64293617741713816462018-03-06T01:10:52.348-08:00LIFE GOES ON......I'm learning to live again after my husband's death.Dawnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12399598734293807220noreply@blogger.comBlogger22125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6429361774171381646.post-74358368328726658052011-01-06T14:23:00.000-08:002011-01-06T14:24:51.364-08:00<span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-family: arial;">What does it take to live your life after someone you love dies?<br /></span></span>Dawnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12399598734293807220noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6429361774171381646.post-82238788842522890962009-09-01T06:32:00.000-07:002009-09-01T06:48:58.382-07:00Directions to Hyde ChapelThe service tomorrow is at Hyde Chapel on the grounds of the YMCA of the rockies. You may come in either from the back or the front. Do not be surprised or alarmed that on the back there is a sign that says Denneson chapel or something like that. It is the Hyde Chapel.<br /><br />Here is the link to mapquest from Hwy 36 and Fishcreek to the Chapel: <a href="http://www.mapquest.com/maps?1c=Estes+Park&amp;1s=CO&amp;1a=State+Highway+66+%26+Fish+Creek+Rd&amp;1z=80517&amp;1y=US&amp;1l=40.373612&amp;1g=-105.492035&amp;1v=INTERSECTION&amp;2qn=Hyde+Chapel&amp;2c=Estes+Park&amp;2s=CO&amp;2a=2515+Tunnel+Rd&amp;2z=80511&amp;2y=US&amp;2l=40.341582&amp;2g=-105.566869&amp;2v=ADDRESS&amp;2id=10032634">http://www.mapquest.com/maps?1c=Estes+Park&amp;1s=CO&amp;1a=State+Highway+66+%26+Fish+Creek+Rd&amp;1z=80517&amp;1y=US&amp;1l=40.373612&amp;1g=-105.492035&amp;1v=INTERSECTION&amp;2qn=Hyde+Chapel&amp;2c=Estes+Park&amp;2s=CO&amp;2a=2515+Tunnel+Rd&amp;2z=80511&amp;2y=US&amp;2l=40.341582&amp;2g=-105.566869&amp;2v=ADDRESS&amp;2id=10032634</a><br /><br />If that doesn't work mapquest it from your house to Hyde Chapel address/phone number Hyde Chapel 2515 Tunnel Rd <a href="http://www.mapquest.com/maps?city=Estes+Park&amp;state=CO">Estes Park</a>, <a href="http://www.mapquest.com/maps?state=CO">CO</a> 80511 (970) 586-3341<br /><br /><br />The service is at 10:30 and people may view Jim in the back of the chapel a little before that.Dawnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12399598734293807220noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6429361774171381646.post-1911181388815066152009-08-30T21:08:00.000-07:002009-08-30T21:09:28.450-07:00Sunday EveningI am sad.Dawnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12399598734293807220noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6429361774171381646.post-27784865908738014182009-08-30T11:15:00.000-07:002009-08-30T11:18:43.910-07:00Updated information on the Memorial Service<div align="center"><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;color:#000099;">Jim's memorial service will be at the YMCA at 10:30 on Wednesday, in the HYDE CHAPEL, not Mountainside Chapel. </span></div><div align="center"><span style="font-family:Verdana;color:#000099;">Burial at Estes Park Memorial Gardens following the memorial service.</span></div><div align="center"><span style="font-family:verdana;color:#000099;"></span> </div><div align="center"><span style="font-family:verdana;color:#000099;">Visitation at Howe Mortuary is noon to 5 on Monday, </span></div><div align="center"><span style="font-family:verdana;color:#000099;">and noon to 6 on Tuesday. </span></div><div align="center"><span style="font-family:Verdana;color:#000099;"></span> </div><div align="center"><span style="font-family:Verdana;color:#000099;">Please respect Jim's wishes for no ties or suitjackets. </span></div><div align="center"><span style="font-family:Verdana;color:#000099;"></span> </div><div align="center"><span style="font-family:Verdana;color:#000099;">Peace to all of you - Dawn and family</span></div>Dawnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12399598734293807220noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6429361774171381646.post-51983712984637962452009-08-28T21:58:00.000-07:002009-08-28T22:04:34.278-07:00Memorial Service InformationGood evening everyone, this is just a quick note to let you know the plans for the funeral service.<br /><br />There will be visitation at Howe Mortuary in Longmont Monday and Tuesday. Hours of visitation will be noon to six. The memorial service will be Wednesday with Reverand Earl Matsen, Hospice Chaplain officiating.<br /><br />The service will be held at Mountainside Chapel on the YMCA property. This location is up on a hill, but there is parking, seating, and wonderful views. Directions will be posted on the Howe Memorial Website for Jim, and also on this blog and via email.<br /><br />Jim will be buried at the Estes Park Memorial Gardens in Estes. Lunch will be served at our home after the burial, 2007 Uplands Circle, Estes.<br /><br />Memorial contributions may be made to the James Martinsen Estes Park Restorative Justice Fund, or to Hospice of Estes Park.<br /><br />Thank you for your wonderful emails, calls, food and so much more. I feel very blessed.<br /><br />Peace to all of you - DawnDawnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12399598734293807220noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6429361774171381646.post-49024876763595520582009-08-28T00:39:00.000-07:002009-08-28T00:47:50.865-07:00Late Thursday, Early Friday MorningCan't sleep. Jim's passing though peaceful, and relatively pain free was wrackingly painful for me. Things I am greatful for tonight though are: we were able to talk last night for a bit, and he had made peace with all people and situations he thought he needed to do. He wasn't scared, though he was concerned about me and Lily. We talked about our falling in love, and stupid things we had done. The last words to me, and he touched and held my face, and said, "I love you Dawn."<br /><br />He lapsed into a come around 9:30 this morning, while I was in Longmont meeting with a lawyer. When I got home, I cleaned his face, lotioned his back and arms, straightened and combed his hair, and put aftershave on him. He was never conscious during this time. About 3:45 his breathing became irregular, shortly within a minute his eyes rolled back into his head, and his breathing stopped, started, then finally stopped at 3:50<br /><br />Current plans are visitaion in Longmont at Howe Mortuarty Sunday through Tuesday, then a memorial service at the YMCA camp of the rockies. Burial at the Estes Park Cemetary, and a catered light lunch at our home afterwoord. <br /><br />Took a sleeping pill, eyes are closing. Much love to all of you - DawnDawnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12399598734293807220noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6429361774171381646.post-51729796847870673702009-08-27T15:40:00.000-07:002009-08-27T15:45:55.810-07:00what is left to sayI am posting this from and for my mother.<br /><br />Jim has passed away. Official time unknown-20-30 minutes ago. It was peaceful, my mom and I were here. He waited until she got home from Niwot and then his body lost function. He had lots of strong medication and appeared to not be in pain.<br /><br />We are hoping that whatever anyone's beliefs that he and my grandmother are kickin it up in heaven or wherever, fighting over jiblets, and playing Gin Rummy or Hearts. <br /><br />We plan to remove this day off of the calendar. Block it off.Dawnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12399598734293807220noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6429361774171381646.post-4516774344454837972009-08-25T08:07:00.000-07:002009-08-25T08:31:20.872-07:00Tuesday morning, August 25<span style="font-family:verdana;">At this time last year, my grandma was in the final stages of dying. She was barely conscious and had moved into the stages of active dying. Those last few days were difficult. Aidan and Ami my grandchildren were with me during that time, and one of those nights, Ami was ill, and grandma was quite agitated. It is very likely that a dying person may experience agitiation for a brief period of time during the last phase of their life.</span><br /><span style="font-family:Verdana;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:Verdana;">Anyway, I had a night that I will remember forever. GG (grandma) and Ami were both awake, Ami crying and GG upset, wanting to get out of bed, and Ami wanting to be held. It was a night of extreme ups and downs, I alternately held and rocked and comforted both of them through the night. I eventually pulled a sleeping bag into gg's room, and laid it on the floor next to her bed so I could reach up and touch her, and then laid Ami next to me on the sleeping bag, so I could reach both of them at any time. </span><br /><span style="font-family:Verdana;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:Verdana;">I was struck by the similarities in the needs of my grandma and the needs of my granddaughter. At times I filled with despair, I was so tired, and yet in some ways oddly peaceful. I was with two people I loved intensely, and was connected to them both in a way that changed me forever. My grandma died two days later, and when I spoke at her funeral, I talked about this night, and loving them both so much it hurt.</span><br /><span style="font-family:Verdana;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:Verdana;">Jim is dying, he is wasting away. He is in bed 24/7 and is taking morphine to help make him comfortable. Any effort or exertion wears him out completely. The area where the tumor is growing is incredibly sensitive. It has made the skin there hypersensitive, he can barely stand for cloth or clothing to touch it. Jim has always been such a person of doing rather than sitting, so to see him always in bed with no energy to even get up, to dress or to shave is very disheartening. We did watch most of the Rockies game last night, and we enjoyed it.</span><br /><span style="font-family:Verdana;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:Verdana;">Jim's blood pressure is very low - like 66 over 52, his body is slowly shutting down, and it is very possible by this time next week he may be in a coma, or in the process of active dying or dead. I am spending my time in a chair not far from the bed, just being here so he's not alone. He is very quiet and peaceful, and continues to drink ice water which tastes the best to him of anything.</span><br /><span style="font-family:Verdana;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:Verdana;">I cried off and on all day yesterday. I think this is the worst part, I no longer want Jim to live like this, so as I pray for a swift peaceful death, Death itself takes its own time, its own way, and its own path. In its own way a healthy day, one which is filled with love and kindness and companionship is very beautiful. It grieves me to think of people dying alone, suffering without the benefit of companionship. </span><br /><span style="font-family:Verdana;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:Verdana;">Jim's daughter told me yesterday, right before she left, that she had been to see a Shaman Healer, and he told her that Jim was already in a place of planning his activites in the afterlife. That he was seeing a vital life, where he would continue to serve people in need. His journey and stay in purgatory would be very brief as the door into the heavenly afterlife was already open and beckoning him. He will play an active really in the afterlife, continuing to do good deeds, laughing, active and watching over all of us.</span><br /><span style="font-family:Verdana;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:Verdana;">I was comforted by this, and yet still feel so sad for me. Though I believe in God, and afterlife, I am sorry for me, sorry for Liana, sorry for the love and companionship that will no longer be with me daily. </span><br /><span style="font-family:Verdana;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:Verdana;">Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers. Pray for a peaceful, swift passing for Jim. Always with love - Dawn</span>Dawnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12399598734293807220noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6429361774171381646.post-39056233677196527072009-08-23T17:43:00.000-07:002009-08-23T18:08:29.837-07:00Sunday Night, August 23<span style="font-family:arial;color:#000099;">Hello everyone,</span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;color:#000099;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;color:#000099;">I am operating in numb mode these days, I just do what I have to do, and I don't think too much about why I'm doing it. It's just easier that way right now. Jim told me again on Friday that he was sorry that I had to deal with all of this "stuff" I don't even know how to respond to that.</span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;color:#000099;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;color:#000099;">He hasn't been out of the house since last Tuesday, and truthfully I don't think he will be going out too much anymore. He is very weak and hardly able to eat. He is wasting away. Talking is becoming more and more difficult for him. I told a friend last week that the hardest thing about all of this, is that there is nothing I can do to help him, and Donna told me that I was helping him just by being here. I hope so. I am living on the strength and kindness of friends and families. On Saturday I received two loving messages from good friends. The first email from Joyce was a message of strength, she wrote that I was a survivor and that I would survive this, and that I would be ok, something I really needed to hear. The other message from her husband Jerry was a thoughtful email about a special quality of Jim's which is his ability to draw anyone into his circle with his smile, and his laugh. Isn't that so true about Jim, he can go into any situation and within a few minutes is talking or laughing with someone.</span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;color:#000099;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;color:#000099;">Our friend Tim visited on Thursday and brought Jim a softball signed by a Unified Softball team from several years ago. The ball had been presented to Tim and Melinda as a thank you from the team. For those of you that might not know what unified softball is; it is a softball program for people of all ages with developmental disabilities. As Tim gave the softball back to Jim it was with a heartfelt "thank you" for the years that Jim has devoted to people with disabilities. As we sat and talked about those year's it brought back the memories of all the people involved; participants and their parents and supporters, and the absolute joy that was present during those games. Jim accomplished this. </span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;color:#000099;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;color:#000099;">He often wonders if he has left his mark well upon this world. I can tell you that for those players and their families, he did indeed make a mark, and he made a change in their lives. Jim has changed my life. He has made me feel loved and cared for in a way that I had not experienced before. Even writing this my breath catches and it's hard for me to write these words. He has been a loyal, wonderful partner and friend. I will miss him so much.</span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;color:#000099;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;color:#000099;">Love to all of you. Dawn</span>Dawnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12399598734293807220noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6429361774171381646.post-62826524960291328952009-08-18T19:42:00.000-07:002009-08-18T20:01:43.901-07:00Tuesday night, August 17 - Estes Park<span style="font-family:verdana;color:#330033;">We're home from San Diego. Yeah! It was a bittersweet, melancholy, stressful trip for me, and I think for Jim too. He did walk to the beach twice, the Sunday we were first there, and Friday before we left, other than that, he was in bed most of the time.</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;color:#330033;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;color:#330033;">He doesn't have much pain from the tumor, he has pain from the liquid building up in his stomach. On Monday afternoon, they drained about 2000 ml from his tummy, about 6 pounds of liquid, and the doc thinks there is probably twice that still left. We go back in tomorrow afternoon to have some more drained. Though this makes him feel better is also makes him weak, and dehydrated feeling. His weight is down to 169. He eats almost nothing, though he likes plain popsicles and canned pears this week.</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;color:#330033;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;color:#330033;">We continue to finish up legal and financial "things" as much as is possible.. I can't tell you there is anything good or easy about any of this stuff. Everything we do is a constant reminder that Jim's life is ending. I was ok yesterday, and then three times today I've just cried in public over small things. When I let down my guard, and the reality sweeps over me the pain is drop to your knees, catch your breath, painful.</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;color:#330033;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;color:#330033;">I am trying to rehab my torn achilles and also work off some anxiety and stress by swimming and lap walking at the pool. It is the one place I feel really good, something about the water buffering everything is so awesome and peaceful.</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;color:#330033;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;color:#330033;">Today Jim's son's came up for dinner and to see their dad. It was really nice. Jim was in bed but Matt and Kevin and Lily ate in the room with him which was good for all of them.</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;color:#330033;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;color:#330033;">I got an email from Jackie Williamson, the Clerk for the Town of Estes, wanting to let me know that the town wants to recognize Jim for all of his contributions to the community. The Town is</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;color:#330033;">planning some kind of morning reception next week. I have decided that the memorial to Jim will be in the form of a scholarship to a senior who has made contributions to his community and has overcome a difficult life situation. This will be in support of Jim's involvement with the Restorative Justice Program here in Estes Park. Jim's whole life has been dedicated to making things better for kids. I think this will be a nice on-going program to honor what his life stands for.</span><br /><span style="font-family:Verdana;color:#330033;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:Verdana;color:#330033;">Good night to all of you - thanks for the food, the kind words of support, the prayers, and the poignant ways you are comforting all of us. Dawn</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;color:#330033;"></span>Dawnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12399598734293807220noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6429361774171381646.post-15138918670488563922009-08-12T21:41:00.001-07:002009-08-12T22:17:34.317-07:00Wednesday Evening, CaliforniaI'm waging a war within myself. I don't want Jim to suffer, so a part of me wants what is coming to come soon, and as painless as possible. Then a part of me is like, but "I don't want him to die" so I am in a continual mental and emotional way with myself. It is very difficult watching someone you love die. Again, I don't know what is worse, to be told suddenly that someone you love died, and never have a chance to say all the things you want to say, or having time, and then not always knowing how to say what you want to say.<br /><br />I asked Jim today if he was scared, and he said "no" and that made me feel a little better. He really doesn't want to share too much of what he is feeling. If you read the information that hospice provides, it explains that a person going through the process of dying has a period of introversion where they don't talk or say much. They become very focused on internal, rather than external things. I believe Jim is in the middle of this introverted process. He really wants things quiet and easy around him. He doesn't want to have to be or act any way other than how he feels. I've just spent time lying on the bed with him, and that seems to be good. Since he has never been a person to lay down in the middle of the day, it seems reassuring to him to have someone be with him.<br /><br />He is having pain, both in his back and stomach. Perhaps when we get back to Estes we will see about having some of the liquid drained out of his tummy if it would make him feel better. He hates needles so much, that if he doesn't want to do it, we won't. This time is all about what he wants, and what makes him feel safe and comfortable.<br /><br />I put out the word to some friends that I needed a few things moved at the house for when we got home, and some help making sure that there was food, etc. when we got home on Saturday. The response was overwhelming, I can only say "thank you, thank you." Jim got tears in his eyes when I told him what people were doing to help us.<br /><br />I will be doing all the driving from now on. Jim's concentration and ability to focus doesn't make driving safe for him or for us. I just took the keys, and put them in my purse. Liana seems to be doing ok, and she understands what is going on. It has helped that she was very involved in the process of my grandma dying last year. At that time I had no idea how helpful it would be to have her involved in a dying process, I believe, in all things, there is a purpose, even if it is not obvious to me at the time. Which means that there is a purpose in watching Jim die that will either teach me something and or give me greater empathy for someone else in a similar situation sometime in the future.<br /><br />I can only say that great writers find ways to express themselves with words, and I am struggling to find the words that put my feelings onto the page. I can't find any that reach the depth of where my soul lives right now. Lonely, scared, sad are only words that dance on this page and leave a little mark where they land.<br /><br />Love to all of you - and as I tell one of my little people friends "I'll be wishing on a star for you tonight, and ask the angels to send you angel kisses."<br /><br />DawnDawnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12399598734293807220noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6429361774171381646.post-26406913675016161052009-08-11T15:31:00.000-07:002009-08-11T15:36:54.089-07:00Tuesday AfternoonJust a quick note, Jim was able to walk on the beach on Sunday, but since then has barely left the bed. He told me this morning that he had bad pain in his back, so I've started giving him pain medication, if that's not enough I'll have to start giving him morphine.<br /><br />Please, please keep us in your thoughts and prayers. We leave for Colorado on Saturday. I don't want Jim to suffer, pray for strength and swiftness.<br /><br />Love to all - DawnDawnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12399598734293807220noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6429361774171381646.post-48262265340616645362009-08-09T09:05:00.001-07:002009-08-09T09:36:41.142-07:00The Beach - Sunday Morning<strong><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;color:#3333ff;">Good morning everyone,</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;color:#3333ff;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;color:#3333ff;">We successfully made it to our lovely condo in Oceanside, California. We arrived after a long day of travel to the sun setting, and cool air off the water. This morning the sky is blue and the ocean is yards away.</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;color:#3333ff;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;color:#3333ff;">Jim is doing as good as well as can be expected. He is beginning to suffer the effects of the liver toxins building up inhis body and which he is not able to get rid off. This makes him a little uncoordinated, speech slurry, and apparently can eventually lead to a coma. He is being treated with a new medication that may counteract some of the effects of the toxins. He continues to lose weight, though he belly is greatly distended. He weighed 178 at the doctor, and was at 220 in March. They may drain some of the liquid from his belly when we get home to make him more comfortable.</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;color:#3333ff;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;color:#3333ff;">We went to the grocery store when we arrived and we all picked things to eat, Jim is able to eat shrimp, salmon, popsicles, canned pears, and canned peaches. Liana got fruit loops and milk, and pop tarts. I got fresh avocado, tomatoes, bagels and frozen pizza, and lots of fresh fruit, and RUM! </span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;color:#3333ff;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;color:#3333ff;">I can't stress how wonderful and yet how poignant this trip is for me. Realizing that this is last time we will follow our same old travel routines, we're like old shoes, we both know which step to take in the process of unpacking, and yet how greatful I am to have this time with Jim and Lily. We've laughed on the plane and here at the condo, and I had a few quiet tears, as I lay in bed last night, but I am determined to not let sadness get the best of me these next few days.</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;color:#3333ff;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;color:#3333ff;">The three of us love each other, and we love our other children and families so much. I feel so lucky to have Lara and Neil, and Matt and Sara, and Kevin involved with their dad. They are all showing such loving kindness toward him and to me. Kathryn and Jill continue to be my guardian angels, and help me all the time. I already miss my little Ami and Aidan, they were sad when they said goodbye to me on Friday, and Ami said "I go wit you" and Aidan said "Please take us Nana" now those words tore my heart.</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;color:#3333ff;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;color:#3333ff;">I wish for all of you blue skies, rain in the right amount, and peace with people in your life. Take advantage of each opportunity to love each other, and be kind to one another. Peace from the ocean - Dawn</span></strong>Dawnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12399598734293807220noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6429361774171381646.post-1249325754778448802009-08-06T01:51:00.000-07:002009-08-06T02:32:18.933-07:00Late Wednesday nite, early Thursday morning<span style="font-family:arial;color:#333333;">This night is long and this day was really hard.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:Arial;color:#333333;">I spent the afternoon with a lawyer, finishing my will, because if something were to happen to me, I have to make plans for Liana. I feel relieved to have it done, but not glad of the reasons I had to do it. Inside my head I'm screaming, because I don't want to be doing all of this stuff. I don't want to make all these plans for Jim dying. I don't want to worry about money, and houses, and office buildings, and lawyers and executors, and funerals and graves,and medicine, and pain, and, and, and, and....................................</span><br /><span style="font-family:Arial;color:#333333;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:Arial;color:#333333;">I keep telling people, "I seem calm, but on the inside I'm not." And I keep asking people "am I making sense?" "Does this seem like clear thinking?" I ask because my thought processes seem to be sound, but I know at times they are not sound at all, because I ACHE with hurt and confusion and anger, and how can sound judgement come out of such misery.</span><br /><span style="font-family:Arial;color:#333333;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:Arial;color:#333333;">During the day I can appreciate the good things that are around me, but at night when it's dark, it's hard to stay positive. Jim struggles with discomfort and his own demons at night, and sometimes we are struggling in the same direction and other times we are fighting our own battles. That's why I got up tonight because there was no peace in bed tonight, just lots of tossing and turning. Many nights the struggles in darkness make us comrades in arms, but not tonight. </span><br /><span style="font-family:Arial;color:#333333;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:Arial;color:#333333;">Jim's friend Barry brought his family up to eat at Wings yesterday, and remarked to me that Jim looked more frail than when he had seen him two weeks ago. Jim is continuing to lose weight, and we struggle to find any kind of food that appeals to him. Nighttime nausea is constant, and weakness is becoming more and more obvious.</span><br /><span style="font-family:Arial;color:#333333;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:Arial;color:#333333;">He is now working about two or three hours a day at Wings West, whereas four weeks ago, he was working relatively normal business hours. His sister and I have decided that going to work makes him feel better, it's been such a part of his life for 40 plus years, that not going to work is tantamount to giving up. At this point, anything he wants to do, he can do. I would like him to spend more time with Lily and me, but as his sister said to me yesterday "I guess the dying person gets to make the choice." She's right. </span><br /><span style="font-family:Arial;color:#333333;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:Arial;color:#333333;">I continue to appreciate your emails, kind words, prayer, and strength that surrounds me even in these dark nights. As always, I am sending my love and thanks to all of you. </span><br /><span style="font-family:Arial;color:#333333;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:Arial;color:#333333;">D</span><br /><span style="font-family:Arial;color:#333333;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:Arial;color:#333333;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:Arial;color:#333333;"></span>Dawnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12399598734293807220noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6429361774171381646.post-42386639481829679242009-08-04T09:23:00.000-07:002009-08-04T09:54:43.561-07:00Choices - Tuesday Morning, August 4Everyday we make choices. Some are as simple as making coffee or not making coffee. and some choices seem simple and end up with huge complications.<br /><br />I am facing many choices right now, as is Jim. He is definitely deteriorating. We have moved from a single anti-nausea medication to nausea medication every four hours. He is taking a sleeping pill, and is going to have to start taking more. Jim hates taking pills, so this choice to finally succumb to taking medicine to help him feel better, has been a really difficult choice for him. He has no control over his body or the cancer. He doesn't realize that things he has thought he has communicated to me, haven't been communicated, and I am making the choice to not say anything. Why distress him further; though it does terribly distress me.<br /><br />I had developed a mantra for my life prior to Jim's diagnosis:<br /><br />People before things,<br />Little people before big people,<br />and myself once a day.<br /><br />I now think I need to continue it further;<br /><br />People before things,<br />Jim before all,<br />with little people taking a close second,<br />and myself once a day.<br /><br />I continue to narrow my life, from a big pond to a small river. This involves lots of choices, I am choosing to say "no" to things, because I want this time. I don't want to look back at this period in my life, and have regrets that I didn't narrow my focus, and lost the incredible beauty and bittersweetness of this moment of my life.<br /><br />Little people look at the world and see the color, the brightness, the light, the laughter, the joy, they feel every possibility, and the dark spaces are small. As we get older we often focus on the darkness and the hardness, and forgot that life in its simplest form is a wonderful thing. I am slowing down my life to appreciate the color, the brightness, the beauty of the natural world, and the incredible capacity of the humans around me, who are supporting me daily, with love, kind words, kind deeds, loving thoughts.<br /><br />I am making the choice to see beauty and grace in this time. The dark is there, but I am striving to stay in the light.<br /><br />Love to all of you.<br /><br />DDawnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12399598734293807220noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6429361774171381646.post-43291893494728563742009-08-02T00:13:00.000-07:002009-08-02T00:49:51.106-07:00SilenceJim and I went on a picnic today into Rocky Mountain Park. In the past, this has been a very habitual event. We pack everything into a bag, throw in a bottle of wine, cheese, crackers, and some chocolate. Jim always gets two thighs at Kentucky Fried Chicken. Our routine never changes, in terms of the food, the time, and we almost always go to EndoValley Picnic Area at the foot of Fall River Road. We actually have two or three favorite picnic areas there, ones with sun, and a bit of shade, and not too close to the toilets.<br /><br />This past week Jim and I have not spent a lot of time together. We've had wonderful family time that I will remember forever. Close, close laughing and talking times with his children and sister, and ex-wife Lee. Joyous times of watching grandkids, sitting in front of the fire, but through it all, not much alone time.<br /><br />When I met with Anne Lundquist, the hospice social worker on Thursday, to talk about anything and everything, the one thing she said to me, is that "this is the best he will be, every day will be a step farther downhill" and that we needed to make the most of these days. So I left that meeting thinking Jim and I needed to have some one-on-one time. The problem is when we took it, we didn't know what to say to each other.<br /><br />The normal flow of conversation was stilted because a third presence was with us today, and that presence was death. Our conversation was difficult because a lot of the everyday things we talk about are future oriented. Quite often we discuss our plans for the week, or upcoming events or activities and who's going to do what when. Hospice information urges that a dying person and their family focus on the day-to-day, and not the future.<br /><br />As we drove into the park, we were very quiet in the car, and when we sat at the picnic table, we toasted, tapped plastic cups, and ate. And we didn't say a word for 20 minutes at least. The sun felt warm on my back, my food was good, but I didn't know what to say. All the things I could think about to say seemed trivial, and I wanted this day to be special. As the battle of words/no words raged in my head, I realized that the problem wasn't being silent, it was the difference of being so silent that made me anxious.<br /><br />Once I could figure out why the silence bothered me so much, I was able to acknowledge that this picnic isn't like any picnic we've taken before. Although everyone starts dying the minute you're born, we're sort of on the fast track dying process, and we don't have any rules for it. And as Lara said to me, "there are no etiquette books about the dying process, it's a new situation for all of us." I realized that it was like being with Jim on one of our first dates, where we were just getting to know each other, and that in fact, I felt shy.<br /><br />We aren't the same people today, as we were three weeks ago. We don't have the same concerns, and we don't have the same worries. What we do have is this small bit of precious time to just be. So our quiet silent picnic became a very precious time indeed, because we were sitting in the sun, being together, and a lot of stuff that seemed important in the past, turned out to be not very important at all.<br /><br />As I write this, I urge all of you, to live in the present, at least once in a while, and just be. Don't worry about all the mundane trivial stuff that wears us out, and takes our time, and saps our strength. Once in awhile just be. Sit in the sun with someone you love, and let the future go, and relax in the warmth of the present.<br /><br />Love and peace to all of you.Dawnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12399598734293807220noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6429361774171381646.post-3608423587871345082009-07-29T07:56:00.000-07:002009-07-29T13:42:54.160-07:00Wednesday, July 29 - Comfort Care Packages<span style="font-family:lucida grande;color:#000099;">Three "Comfort" packages arrived at our house yesterday. They came in three different forms. The first in the form of daughters, my older daughter Kathryn gave Jim a wonderful picture with a caption that says "Stop - Everything changed the day he figured out there was exactly enough time for the important things in his life." Hugs, tears, and "I love you's" were emotionally exchanged. About two hours later, Lara, Jim's oldest daughter and family arrived to spend several days with us. The comfort portion of this package contained sweet granddaughter Rose, and compassionate son-in-law Neil.</span><br /><span style="color:#000099;"></span><br /><span style="color:#000099;">The next care package arrived in the mail, but wasn't opened until later Tuesday evening, and I'll get back to it.</span><br /><span style="color:#000099;"></span><br /><span style="color:#000099;">The third and final care package arrived in the form of good friends and neighbors, the Shavlik's and the Swann's. As we passed the evening in front of our fire - it was like 45 degrees outside - we laughed and chatted away an early evening. Of course, we did talk a bit about Jim's illness, but his stoic nature and unwillingness to share his discomfort, directed the conversation back into lighter waters. We all agreed to get together again in a few weeks.</span><br /><span style="color:#000099;"></span><br /><span style="color:#000099;">Back to the second care package, it arrived from Federal Express and was in the form of the Hospice "Comfort Pack." This pack contains liquid painkillers, antinausea medications, and general things to help Jim be comfortable as the dying process continues. Because it is a process, and it has its own rules, times, and will operate at its will. Time is our enemy and our friend. This comfort pack came with instructions, and directions, and lots of scary words. I believe the comfort it will supply is greater than the scariness, but I'll have to see. So along with the good food that Lara and Neil and Rose bought and put in the fridge, is the white and green package from Hospice, with its own expiration date, and sits next to the milk.</span><br /><span style="color:#000099;"></span><br /><span style="color:#000099;">I am blogging this as a cool rain is falling outside, Lara and Rose are napping, Jim's sister is arriving at the airport, and Jim is at Wings West, where he continues to fight the good fight.</span><br /><span style="color:#000099;"></span><br /><span style="color:#000099;">Peace - Dawn</span><br /><span style="color:#000099;"></span><br /><span style="color:#000099;"></span>Dawnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12399598734293807220noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6429361774171381646.post-72333093582521486312009-07-27T20:34:00.000-07:002009-07-27T20:48:47.145-07:00Monday, July 27<span style="color:#006600;">Good evening. </span><br /><span style="color:#006600;"></span><br /><span style="color:#006600;">Jim and I met with Anne Lundquist, and Betsy, from the Estes Park Hospice on Friday. I can't say enough good things about hospice. I had the privelege of working with these wonderful caregivers last summer, as my grandma was dying here at our house. I didn't think at that time that we would be in need of their services so soon, but here we are.</span><br /><span style="color:#006600;"></span><br /><span style="color:#006600;">Jim has filled out the paperwork, so hospice care will be coming our way. This is in the form of weekly help, nurses, spiritual and emotional counseling. One of the things they are going to offer is counseling to Lily and her friends, since a teens friends are their greatest support system, and Lily is going to need all she can get. She loves Jim so much.</span><br /><span style="color:#006600;"></span><br /><span style="color:#006600;">Jim's older daughter Lara arrived with her husband Neil, and beautiful daughter Rose on Sunday, and Jim and Lara and Liana spent all afternoon looking at old pictures. Lara and I both had to cry into pillows at one point because we didn't want to upset Rose, and when she asked us what we were doing we told her we were playing a peek a boo game, and she proceeded to play with us, and we all ended up laughing. The joy of children is contagious.</span><br /><span style="color:#006600;"></span><br /><span style="color:#006600;">Jim and I continue to laugh and cry our way through this. He feels badly for me, and I feel badly for him. We have some fun things planned this week in the form of horseback riding for children and grandchildren, an overnight sleepout for kids and parents, Jim said he was sleeping indoors! Who can imagine that. I too, may sleep in the house, as my latest indignity is a HORRIBLE CAST this elevates my heel 5 inches, and goes downwards towards my toes, like a horrible slide. This is to give my achilles complete rest and a chance to heal. However, it is almost impossible to walk. So I may be asking for help vaccuming and dusting. I am walking with crutches, so that helps a bit.</span><br /><span style="color:#006600;"></span><br /><span style="color:#006600;">I continue to be thankful for my life with Jim. Laying in bed holding hands with a wonderful husband is food for my soul.</span><br /><span style="color:#006600;"></span><br /><span style="color:#006600;">Peace and love to all of you, and thanks for your well wishes and encouragement. We so appreciate it.</span>Dawnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12399598734293807220noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6429361774171381646.post-66132715057856406582009-07-23T19:43:00.000-07:002009-07-23T20:00:01.671-07:00Thursday, July something<span style="font-family:lucida grande;color:#000099;">I</span><span style="font-family:lucida grande;color:#000099;">'m having a hard time keeping track of what day it is. I catch myself all day feeling disoriented. I'm not sure how a person processes all the aspects of watching someone they love, waste away and die. Truly, that's what pancreatic cancer does to someone, they can't retain any nutrient, so they basically starve to death, or as they are starving and wasting away, their vital organs finally give in to the stress. I use the work "they" as I am writing this, but the "they" is Jim, and I don't know how to watch him die.</span><br /><span style="color:#000099;"></span><br /><span style="color:#000099;">I watched couples come into the restaurant today, and realized by this time next year, I probably won't be part of a couple. I'll miss the friendship and the companionship that comes with being part of a couple, and I'll miss the silly things that couples do when they've known each other for a few years. I don't think I'm scared to be alone, I'm scared that I'll never feel that "partner" feeling again.</span><br /><span style="color:#000099;"></span><br /><span style="color:#000099;">Jim continues to take care of the realistic aspects of all this stuff. Though today after heading to the "valley" as us Estes Parkers call the area along the front range, he was worn out when he got home, and rested for several hours. And for those of us that know him pretty well, know that's pretty atypical behavior for "on the go" Jim.</span><br /><span style="color:#000099;"></span><br /><span style="color:#000099;">Thanks for all the thoughts, and prayers, and if anyone is really serious about wanting to help me, come to Wings West and help me pull weeds in the flower beds. I have a cast on my right food due to a torn achilles, which makes pulling weeds really difficult.</span><br /><span style="color:#000099;"></span><br /><span style="color:#000099;">Love and peace to all of you.</span><br /><span style="color:#000099;"></span><br /><span style="color:#000099;"></span><br /><span style="color:#000099;"></span>Dawnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12399598734293807220noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6429361774171381646.post-67179116945732315942009-07-22T14:12:00.000-07:002009-07-22T14:24:53.940-07:00Wednesday<span style="font-family:Arial;color:#993300;">We went to the doctor this morning. Last friday they did a blood test that measures cancer indicators. I believe the doc said that the normal indicator is between 14 and 19 or 16 and 19, Jim's was 221. He continues to battle nausea and fatigue.</span><br /><span style="font-family:Arial;color:#993300;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:Arial;color:#993300;">At some point the will probably drain the liquid that is accumulating in his stomach. The pressure of the liquid pushes up on his lungs and can give an increased chance of pneumonia. He has also lost two more pounds since last Friday.</span><br /><span style="font-family:Arial;color:#993300;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:Arial;color:#993300;">He continues to be his calm self most of the time, he said to me last night that he was sorry for putting me through this. Jim's mom died of pancreatic cancer and he know his mom really suffered.</span><br /><span style="font-family:Arial;color:#993300;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:Arial;color:#993300;">The plan is no life saving measures but continued comfort measures. We are going to San Diego for a few days in early August. The doc will give him b12 shots before we go to give him a little more energy.</span><br /><span style="font-family:Arial;color:#993300;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:Arial;color:#993300;">For those of you that might be wondering about Liana, she is suffering. Jim is the only dad she has ever known, and they have such a special relationship. His pet name for her is "Mabel" and last night he said, there won't be anyone to call her "Mabel" anymore. It's these little things that just hurt so much.</span><br /><span style="font-family:Arial;color:#993300;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:Arial;color:#993300;">I go through an hour of feeling ok, then feel like the word fell on me. I look and see the beauty of the natural world, and feel some sense of comfort. I just sent an email to someone and I told him that there is so little to say, and at the same time so much to say. </span><br /><span style="font-family:Arial;color:#993300;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:Arial;color:#993300;">I can't figure out how to talk about the hollow feeling that now lives in my chest, and yet we still walk and work through the day. Please if anyone would like to email jim his email is <a href="mailto:jhmartinse@aol.com">jhmartinse@aol.com</a> I can tell you that you will get the same old Jim that never complains about anything.</span><br /><span style="font-family:Arial;color:#993300;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:Arial;color:#993300;">I continue to search for comfort through reading, contemplation, and prayer.</span><br /><span style="font-family:Arial;color:#993300;">As always, keep Jim in your prayers and thoughts for mental and spiritual peace.</span><br /><span style="font-family:Arial;color:#993300;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:Arial;color:#993300;">Blessings and love to all of you.</span><br /><span style="font-family:Arial;color:#993300;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:Arial;color:#993300;">Dawn</span>Dawnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12399598734293807220noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6429361774171381646.post-7329974386306510142009-07-21T18:28:00.000-07:002009-07-21T18:37:23.558-07:00Tuesday, July 21, 2009<span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Good evening everyone,</span><br /><span style="font-family:Trebuchet MS;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:Trebuchet MS;">Jim and I continue to work through the legal and financial things that must be taken care of. Jim is optimistic and his cheery self, though his energy is lagging.</span><br /><span style="font-family:Trebuchet MS;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:Trebuchet MS;">Yesterday evening, his sons, Matt and Kevin, and Matt's girlfriend Sarah came up to visit and to eat at Wings West. It was a good visit, and a chance for the boys to see their dad. We enjoyed sitting on the deck at the restaurant and laughing.</span><br /><span style="font-family:Trebuchet MS;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:Trebuchet MS;">We go to the dr. tomorrow, and meet with hospice on Friday. </span><br /><span style="font-family:Trebuchet MS;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:Trebuchet MS;">Jim and I so appreciate all your calls and emails. We both feel very loved. We cried together tonight over silly things, but then laughed at silly things too.</span><br /><span style="font-family:Trebuchet MS;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:Trebuchet MS;">Take care.</span>Dawnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12399598734293807220noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6429361774171381646.post-37386425712567665662009-07-20T15:44:00.000-07:002009-07-20T15:57:32.569-07:00Update on Jim Martinsen's Health<span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Hello everyone,</span><br /><span style="font-family:Trebuchet MS;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:Trebuchet MS;">My mom suggested setting up a blog for me to keep you posted about Jim's health, and how we are doing. She had a friend that did this for her husband, and it helped her to be able to write about his life, so I hope that writing about Jim will help me get through this very harsh time.</span><br /><span style="font-family:Trebuchet MS;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:Trebuchet MS;">Jim and I have spent the last three days gathering our thoughts and preparing for what will come. I went and spoke with the Dr. today, because I wanted to have a candid converation on what to expect, so that I can be mentally prepared, I guess as prepared as anyone can be. Jim and I will go back to the doctor on Wednesday.</span><br /><span style="font-family:Trebuchet MS;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:Trebuchet MS;">Jim has lost much weight, and it appears the cancer has affected his pancreas, liver, gall bladder, appendix and large colon. I now know that pancreatic cancer is called the silent killer because by the time it's diagnosed, it's usually too far advanced for there to be any cure. Occasionally a surgery can be done called the "Whipple Maneuver" but in Jim's case the tumor is inoperable. It is wrapped around a large artery that runs through the pancreas. Other factors against us are the apparent spread of the cancer, his age, and the largeness and aggressiveness of the tumor.</span><br /><span style="font-family:Trebuchet MS;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:Trebuchet MS;">Jim and I have already decided to use Estes Park Hospice, they were so wonderful to us last year when my grandma, who was living with us, was diagnosed with cancer, and died. I feel comfortable with the medical help and support we have.</span><br /><span style="font-family:Trebuchet MS;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:Trebuchet MS;">Jim isn't ready to die, and I'm not ready for him to die. In fact, I asked the nurse today, "am I imagining this, or is it real?" She said, "I'm so sorry hon, but it's real."</span><br /><span style="font-family:Trebuchet MS;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:Trebuchet MS;">We are taking each day as a blessing. Pray for courage and peace for Jim, limited pain, and being able to live each day that he has left with his bright optimism. </span>Dawnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12399598734293807220noreply@blogger.com0