Ask A Hottie Vol. 6: How Do I Get Over My Girlfriend Sleeping With Other People?

Welcome to “Ask A Hottie,” where Break’s given a soapbox to a girl who 1. Doesn’t use soap and therefore has no use for this giant crate of soap, and 2. Got so drunk at Christmas Eve dinner that her Dad accused her of having a drinking problem. In other words, it was slim pickings on available self-help advice columnists, but I have enough self control that I don’t start popping bottles of wine until noon — so with 30 minutes left before I start drinking myself into a stupor, let’s begin!

Do you have a question for our resident alcoholic? Send it to AskABreakHottie@gmail.com!

“Finally, a photo where Rebecca ACTUALLY looks like a normal human being!” – No one ever.

Q: My girlfriend and me had been together for five years before we broke up. We had our problems, but she was doing well in life and so was I. We lived together and I saw a future with her until her friends decided we should break up.

To break us up, her friends made up and planted evidence that I was cheating on her. Girlfriend kicked me out of our apartment and blocked me on all social media, ghosting me. I stopped trying to contact her after two months and decided to leave her alone.

Turns out, after six months she finally found out the truth, that her friends had made everything up and framed me. She contacted me and wants to get back together and to pick up where we left off, but I know she slept with other people in that six month period. I did too, but I can’t help feeling like I’m being cuckolded. How do I get over this?

A: First of all, please tell me that this girl went and dumped all of those friends after finding out that they lied to her just to break you two up. Because if she didn’t, you’ve got a bigger problem here than your girlfriend’s post-breakup sex list. What’s stopping these friends from doing the same thing again? What’s stopping your girlfriend from believing them if they do? You’d think she’d be an idiot to believe them — but in my mind, what sort of moron spits the same lie at me twice?

But let’s assume that she burned these bitches alive while they were sound asleep in their homes. We all like fairytale endings, and this is the closest one you’re going to get with regards to your girlfriend’s shit taste in companions.

You’re still stuck with how to get over the fact that she slept with people in the six months you were broken up — and that’s fair, I suppose — but you’re looking at this from the wrong angle. Assuming you guys are going to start dating again in the near future, you shouldn’t be viewing it as a continuation of your past relationship. It’s been six months. She is a different person from that breakup, and so are you — look at it like you’re starting from square one instead of square 100. Granted, this relationship will come easier because you’ve dated before and have known her for years, but it’s not the same relationship it was before. In other words, don’t be one of those couples who say they’ve been dating for ten years but were broken up for two, cheating on each other for one and in a polyamory cult for another.

Besides, you even admitted that you’ve slept with other people in those six months — so what’s stopping her from getting all hung up about it too? If you two don’t start dating and you do move on to someone else, the chances that girl is a virgin and has zero experience sexually is less than zero. EVERYBODY has a sexual history, and getting mad over it is like getting mad that humans evolved to breathe air instead of water: stupid and pointless, but feel free to stick your head in a pond and take a deep breath if you like.

You need to change the way you’re approaching this girl — look at her like she’s a brand spankin’ new video game out of the box on Christmas instead of a scratched-up copy of Fifa 11, but if you can’t manage that I don’t see how you’ll be able to get over your feelings of being cuckolded.

Do you have a question for our resident alcoholic? Send it to AskABreakHottie@gmail.com!