"This is my husband, Saul Rosenbear, and this is his son Richard, from a previous marriage."

According to movies and TV, some women spend their youth dreaming of their weddings and planning out related details. I have never actually met one of these people. (Or maybe I have met one, but I’ve found her too insufferable from the outset to bother getting to know her well enough to learn of her wedding obsession.)

But now that I’m an “adult,” and some of my peers are getting engaged and married, I’ve given a little thought to the subject myself. I’m a single lady, so I have no reason to make any plans of this nature, but still. Some things seem so obvious to me.

1. Engagement photos are awkward and I want no part of them. I have been professionally photographed alone before, and that was strange enough. (“Put your hand on your hip!…No, farther down!…OK, tilt your chin up!…OK, tilt your head to the right!”) I wonder what those directions sound like during an engagement photo shoot. (“Put your hand on his shoulder!…No, farther down!…OK, tilt your heads to the right!…Now, kiss! Hold that pose! Don’t move, I need to change lenses.”) I am staunchly opposed to forced PDA in photos. And I reserve the right to make a ridiculous face in at least 50% of all pictures taken of me.

2. Super-serious wedding songs make me want to barf. When I was at the Black Joe Lewis show at Musikfest, I told my friend I wanted “Bitch, I Love You” to be my wedding song. He laughed. I’m not sure I was joking.

3. There will be no “Macarena,” “Electric Slide,” or “Cotton-Eyed Joe” at the reception. If you need a song with pre-choreographed moves to be able to dance-party, you surely will not be invited.