SHOUTS & MURMURS
I WAS GANDHI'S BOYFR.IEND
BY PAUL RUDNICK
According to a new biography byJoseph
Lelyveld, the love of Mahatma Gandhi's
life was a German-Jewish bodybuilder
named Hermann Kallenbach. 'Your por-
trait (the only one) stands on my mantel-
piece in my bedroom," Gandhi wrote to
Kallenbach. "The mantelpiece is opposite to
the bed"
I(OCHI, India-Gandhi is still so revered
in India that a book about him that few Indi-
ans have read and that hasn't even been
published in this country has been banned in
one state and may yet be banned nationwide.
- The Times.
I know that some people still don't buy
that Gandhi was gay, but let me tell
you, from experience, Gandhi liked
guys. I first met him when he came to
see my ice show in Nepal, which was
called "Holiday on Dirt." Gandhi came
backstage and he told me, "I very much
enjoyed watching you pretend to ice-
skate, in your tight pants." I asked him,
"Um, so why are you wearing a diaper?"
And he explained that his outfit was a
traditional Indian dhoti, and I said,
"Well, you look like the New Year's
baby." And he said, "You are so hand-
some when you are not speaking."
Then he told me about how he made
the fabric for his dhoti himseJL on his
spinning wheel and hand 100m, and I
said, "Whoa, are you, like, a Native
American lesbian?" And he said, "I will
tell you over dinner."
So we do the dinner thing, and he's all,
like, "fn just have a salad," and I go, 'Wait,
are you some sort of total vegetarian what-
ever?" And he says yes, that he doesn't be-
lieve in killing living things for food, and
fm, like, "Excuse me, but I'm gonna eat
the cow before it eats me." And Gandhi
says, "You are the only grown man I have
ever met whose first name is Kelly." And
9 I'm, like, 'Well, your first name is Mo-
handas, right? Maybe you should change
8 it, so that people can relate more. You
C<::
could be, like, Tim Gandhi or Gary Gan-
db . " A d h " Oh K 11 "
--' 1. n e goes, , e y.
But he's kinda cute, you know, in a
legendary-world-leader sort of way, and
he's telling me all about his philosophy
of nonviolence-I mean, on and on,
blah blah blah, until I just want to
smack him. And so I say, "O.K., so
what if someone, like, punches you-
are you just gonna sit there?" And he
says, "Yes. What would you do?" And I
II
say, "If someone punched me, I would
throw my drink at them. I mean, maybe
you should try that with the British."
And he says, "You are so very wise, per-
haps you should spell your name
K llh . "
e 1.
And I think that's totally adorable, so
I say, "Let's go back to your place," and
he tells me that he's celibate. And I'm,
like, "Huh? 'Scuse me?" And he says
that he believes in the purity of the body
and the soul, and that sometimes he
sleeps beside a naked young woman,
and does not become aroused. And I'm,
like, "Me, too." And then he says that
also he's married. And I'm thinking,
Kelly, here we go again.
So I ask him ifhe's come out to his
parents, and he says, "Oh, no, they're all
old-school Hindu and they wouldn't
understand." So I say, "But wouldn't it
be cool if you could do a campaign with
a poster of your parents hugging you,
and the poster could say, 'Staying in the
Closet Is a Hin-Don't'?" And then he
tells me about how India has this, like,
totally bogus caste system, and how they
even have people called untouchables,
and I'm, like, "You mean brunettes?"
And he laughs and I say, "No, it's not
funny. You mean, like, brunettes?" And
he asks, "Kelly, have you ever studied
any world history?," and I'm, like, "Ex-
cuse me, but I happen to be wearing an
imported Italian cashmere sweater," and
he says, "You know, maybe I'll think
about a steak."
Of course, he eventually dumped me
:1
\
I
"
.
Ir
for this German-Jewish bodybuilder,
and I warned him, I said, "Hello, been
there, and I know that at first it sounds
hot, but pretty soon it's all 'Nein, I can't
stay out late, because I have to get up
early for the gym,' and 'Nein, we can't do
your rally for South Africa, because
we've got my cousin's Seder, remember?'
And his mother will be all 'So, Mr.
Gandhi, I'm told you like to lie down in
front of railroad cars, to demonstrate a
political point. Can you make a living
.c. h . "',,,
lrom tIS!"
But Gandhi and I stayed in touch,
because he really was a good person.
And he'd give me advice on guys and
stuff. Like, he told me, "I know he's
cute, with the mustache and all, but Sta-
lin is not for you." But do I listen? .
THE NEW YORKER, APRIL II, 2011
31