Stories and happenings in the life of a flight attendant written after my book.
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All photos by Penguin Scott unless noted.

Wednesday, August 19, 2015

Adventures in Flight: The Blue Room

Fifteen years ago I
became a flight attendant and began a new career in the skies of the
world. I have always loved flying and have had a fascination with
aviation since I was a small boy. My eyes always turn upwards when I
hear the roar of a jet airplane overhead. The thrill I felt was
obvious and in those early days of internet, I would write my friends
and family about my new adventures flying hither and yon around the
world, so blue.

At one point, I
asked if anyone had any questions for the new flight attendant in
their life. I always interrogated pilots I met about how things
worked and what their work life was like. I just assume everyone is
as excited about flying as I am. I think I had only one question,
from a very good friend of mine who had recently moved to Chicago.
She asked me about the lavatory.

Also known as the
blue room, a reference to the royal blue color of the water that
flushes the toilet, the lav is a unique place on an airplane. It's
only a step above a porta-potty and I try to avoid using it as the
oval office at any cost- only in emergencies. Many flight attendants
carry their own air freshener to combat the assortment of odors that
emanate from within one. And here is a tip for those times you just
have to have a seat: use the seat covers to line the bowl to prevent
anything untoward (poo) from sticking and not washing down. There's
nothing worse than going in and finding claw marks from the person
ahead of you.

My friend, Sue,
wanted to know when flight attendants used the lavatory, as she
apparently had never seen one do so. Silly girl. When we receive our
wings, we become gods. Using the lavatory is no longer a necessity. I
wish! I do refer to those who don't have a career in the skies as
mortals, but we certainly do use the lavatory on airplanes.
Elsewhere, too.

It's funny, but to
this day, some 15 years later, I still think of this question
whenever I slip into one. The things our mind holds onto. (Don't tell
her I think of her every time I'm in there!)

After takeoff

The short answer is
that we get up out of our jump seats before the seat belt sign is
turned off. One of the reasons, besides getting ready for the
service, is to jump in the lavs before the line forms, going up the
cramped aisle. Some of the women also need to change their shoes; off
with the heels and on with the work flats. Some of us wear smocks. So
this is the time, when the mortals are still required to remain
seated, for us to get in there and get situated before we get
inundated with the passengers. It's why you may hear a stern warning
if you're up before the sign goes off, “Um, hello, the seat belt
sign is on, see the little seat belt symbol all illuminated? Yes, so
turn around and go back to your seat and wait for us to use it
first!”

The same goes for
landing. The seat belt sign comes on for several reasons. Yes, as we
pass through cloud layers into in the arrival city to which is our
destination, we tend to encounter more turbulence. But we also need
to have access to the aisles to conduct our safety checks, run
paperwork to the purser in first class, and have a moment to use the
lavs once more before landing. No one wants to encounter the rare
emergency landing with a full bladder! Imagine the horror of being on
the nightly news after having evacuated an aircraft with a huge wet
stain on your pants.

“Yes, Steve, as
you can see, we have another case of fearless flight attendants who
were just doing their job, evacuating everyone safely, with no
injuries to report. Here is one such brave flight attendant, who
seems have to wet herself in the process. Well, back to you in the
studio.”

Approach into EWR

So do as your
parents taught you, use that time before the boarding process begins,
and use the rest room before you board the aircraft and give us a
chance to do our thing before you have to do yours. And be careful
about you ask a flight attendant. You may ruin a good memory of
yourself! (Just kidding, Sue!)