Keep the G20 summit. Send the Stones

Next month, during the G20 summit, Torontonians can look forward to traffic chaos and road closures, military aircraft roaring through the skies, intense security checks, loud protests, vandalism, economic disruption for small businesses, security perimeters getting between people and their homes and offices and between children and their daycares and, oh, yeah, the risk of a terrorist attack.

And for what? At best, a vaguely worded communique that will be issued on the last day and which reiterates a lot of things that don’t need repeating — budget deficits are bad, terrorism is bad, nuclear disarmament is good, climate change is really bad but we’re not going to do anything about it, and, last but supposedly not least, we really should get around to saving Africa. Oh, and boo poverty.

Also expect some concern to be expressed about

[insert troubling low-level international crisis here]

and

[topical social ill]

. And we’ll cap it all off with a staged, awkward photo with a bunch of leaders grinning into a camera to show how united and together we all are. Just the very best of friends. (Amazing how being rich can bring countries together to celebrate their mutual awesomeness.)

I just have one question for the G20 leaders. Why are you coming here again, and how long are you staying? Just a few days? Good.

on Tuesday, every new G8 summit takes place against a background of unfulfilled promises.

G8 summits have become talking shops rather than catalysts for action. Every year, G8 members issue lengthy communiques detailing the fresh promises that emerge from their deliberations. And every year, their stack of unfulfilled commitments grows a little higher.

The stated purpose of these functions is to gather the leaders of the great countries together so they can make decisions that are, one would hope, up to the same level of greatness. But along the way they have morphed into an expensively staged ritual in which the leaders, their massive staffs, huge security details, enormous military and police contingents and hordes of protesters all gather so the leaders can have the same conversation over and over again. Are we still opposed to terrorism? Yes? Excellent, then! Let’s break for lunch.

The need is questionable, and they could easily be held without all the fuss. There is nothing that couldn’t be done just as well by setting aside three days every year for the leaders to hold one-on-one video conferences from the comfort and convenience of their own capital cities. Much of the actual negotiating goes on among political staffers and lower-level politicians anyway, behind the scenes. If that’s the case, have a low-level meeting somewhere concurrent to the big leader e-conference. (Pick a low-level city, too, to reinforce the message: Bureaucrats and functionaries of the world, welcome to the B-List G20 Summit in scenic Buffalo!) This would let the leaders still have their talks, would enable the backroom politicking and booze-fuelled schmoozefests among the staffers to continue and would spare us the ridiculous theatre that is a modern international conference.

Or, if they must meet, remove it to a military base that’s already secure, already has conference facilities and can be easily accessed by air. The leaders might miss the posh surroundings and fine foods of the world’s major urban centres, but when you’re gathering to address issues like rampant government spending and world hunger … you know what? …. good.

There’s another reason, we’re told, to host these events. Summits showcase the host city. Except that’s not what happens. What did we learn about Copenhagen after the big climate change conference? That there was this big globe thing that protesters gathered under, and that’s about it. (I think most of us knew about

already.) What of Toronto will we be showcasing this summer? Anonymous conference centre interiors and Toronto’s world-class chainlink fences, security barriers and gas-masked riot police? If we’re lucky, news outlets around the world might run 30 second “get to know Toronto clips” showing the CN Tower and random people wandering around downtown, sandwiched in between stories on the non-events of the conference and a traffic update.

Will it add any money to the economy? It might. But can’t we just take a pass on these security nightmares and instead start throwing great rock concerts every year? Let’s make a giant concert downtown every year our contribution to world peace. At least the security disruptions will be reduced and we might be able to lure back the Rolling Stones again. While the tourists are here for the music, maybe they’ll stick around for a baseball game. Oh, wait. We’re