Monday, October 3, 2011

RoboFavre

DBSF was never a Brett Favre fan. Prior to his alleged indiscretions with the Jets and last season's collapse with the Vikings, Favre was like this Charlton Heston-brand, domestic half-ton pick-up slow-mo carrying some industrial cement apparatus through a mud-filled job site type of American exceptionalist.

But to DBSF Favre was the NFL all-time leader in fumbles and interceptions. And, despite being anointed arguably one of the greatest QBs of all-time he won only one Superbowl. (In fact, in 24 playoff games, Farve was 13-11. Comparatively, Montana was 16-7; Aikman was 11-5; Young was 12-8; Elway was 14-8; Brady is 14-5; and Ben Roethlisberger is 10-3).

Two off-seasons ago some of Favre's luster started to fade when after spending a few months wavering between retirement and returning to the Vikings, Brett went all Heidi Montag and had Vikings' executives and head coach Brad Childress personally pick him up--in the middle of training camp--from a Minneapolis airport to prepare the football world for his return to the sidelines (yet again). Well, in his first season of retirement Favre has taken up announcing college football games and if you wonder why Favre, a superstar QB, didn't jump straight to CBS, Fox, ESPN, or HBO a la a Boomer, Marino or Steve Young . . . well. Watch. Brett. Talk. Good. A few things we learn from the robot that has entered Brett Favre and started manipulating his mandible:

1. Brett possesses a red-cheeked uneasiness, and slight tilt achieved only by downing 8 or 9 shot of Jim Beam during prep (aka the drive to the stadium). During the actual non-drinking prep the production assistant, who's likely got a semester left on her Master's in Digital Communication at Southern Miss and is thus, two months from moving to Boston to live with her boyfriend and never ever have to deal again with such a cretin who [the cretin, aka Favre] spends the entire 5 minutes he happens to show up for prep [again, the non-drinking actual with the staff prep] staring at her boobs while she just tries to get him to memorize the opening line "Well I look forward to it coming back to Hattiesburg" in the event he blanks and the Vicodin-laced Jim Beam starts talking (which, she, the production assistant, knows for a Southern boy such as Brett has an unfortunate tendency to result in opining on what for the sake of brevity and sociocultural sensitivity DBSF will just term 'anachronistic views on American social structures').

2. Around the one minute mark we get the sense that somebody is holding a card with words that Brett is supposed to read out loud. Either there is a period after every word or Brett is having trouble conveying the most generic compliments given to QBs on two 'who cares' football teams.

3. Thank you production assistant for writing that "interceptions' record" joke at the 1:30 mark. It made the entire segment slightly more comfortable than 'enema in an open kiosk at a shopping mall' but still not comfortable enough to surpass 'seeing a grandparent undress'.

4. At about the 1:45 mark the production team recognizes that this is going to be a 'somebody dropped the F-bomb on the air and we didn't catch it with the 7-second delay' long day and the production assistant holds up the sign indicating that Brett is no longer to speak and is instead simply to stare at the camera.