After years of dating and just trying to achieve the boyfriend goal, I have reached a conclusion that is sad but true: I don’t know what mutual love feels like. I don’t want to get all emo in this post, but it seems like I have succumbed to the forever single lifestyle. (Seriously, if/when I ever get married, it will be the celebration of a lifetime.)

The reason for this emotional post is of course due to a certain situation I knew was bound to occur but one which I was hoping to avoid. Go figure that I really like a guy who I think actually likes me back, only to realize that he’s not looking for a relationship right now and thus only wants a physical thing and am I ok with this? I hate to say it, but do you know how often I get myself into these situations? Way too often.

I am mainly searching to know how I will know that I’ve found this foreign concept of mutual admiration and respect?

I don’t want to get into the exact details of this recent situation, not necessarily for fear that certain people may read it, but rather because I know I am a hypocrite and don’t want to be called out on it. The thing is, this specific guy starting paying special attention to me recently and I immediately told myself not to get too emotionally invested because knowing my history, it would not work out. And lo and behold it didn’t. I didn’t want to listen to many of my friends who somehow have this power to be able to tell what a “good egg” is; I believed they just didn’t understand who I like. I got myself into a tangle of believing I could no longer consider other guys in my life. Somehow I let myself fall into the grasp of immediate attention from someone I enjoyed being around even though I knew it was bound to end in an undesirable way.

But I think what I’m trying to gather here is this: I am so stuck in the “safe” mindset, that with my history of failed interests that I’d rather be pleasantly surprised and realistically pessimistic about guys entering my life. However, the few times I am willing to let a guy break that mindset barrier, and let myself become (too) hopeful, all Hell lets loose. Is there a way where I can free myself of this negative learning from my past, in order to open myself up to potential possibilities or will I never know the feeling of a mutual love?