There is a difference between being supportive and enabling. If she is never going to do anything about all of the problems she keeps making for herself and making her problems everyone else's problem, I'm not going to coddle and throw a pity-party for her.

So true.. i have realized now how I have "enabled" and "coddled" certain individuals in the past while thinking that I was "helping" them. I realized it actually restricted their independence and made them less self-aware of the direct consequences of their own actions.

Sometimes, what others truly need may not be pleasant, but it's necessary.

I did the same in the past too. It took me longer than I'd like to admit to learn there is a difference between support and enabling, between being a caring person and cheering someone up by justifying their dysfunctional and inappropriate behaviors. I'm not even one of those hard-asses who preaches about the importance of hard love. I'm a big softie, but I learned to have some boundaries. I can still care deeply about someone and the consequences of their actions and their emotions surrounding said consequences are not my responsibility.

I've had to walk away from several people whom I was once close to because of this. You can't help someone who refuses to accept help or change. Took me a long time to learn that, and it's never easy to admit it about someone you care for.

Same. I called out a friend like this - every conversation we had over a 2ish year period was a pity party for him, and I'd had enough. I wasn't harsh, but I was fairly blunt about him needing to help himself before anything could change. When he shut down, I realized he never actually wanted my advice like he claimed to. He just wanted to whine. I now only see him one month a year because he's in an event group that I'm a part of. And while I wish him well, I have no interest that friendship dynamic again.

That sounds just like how I stopped talking to my best friend from college. One of our last conversations was a 2 hour phone call where she did not ask how I was doing even once. And I didn't volunteer, just to see if she would actually talk about herself the entire call. She did!

It took me a while to learn this. I let go of a really good friend about a year ago when I called her a selfish person who wouldn’t stop blaming others for her issues, and would constantly talk about how other people’s emotional issues whenever they weren’t around.

It was harsh af to be honest and I’m not the happiest about how I let it get to the point where I exploded at her (nobody deserves that vitriol for going through tough shit), but I’m a year clean of that shit and man it’s like an weight has been lifted. Wish her the best, just hope it’s away from me.

I had a friend like this as well, and I also had to walk away. I'm not denying she got dealt a rough hand in life, but she developed serious paranoia over it which then contributed to her persecution complex (she would take everything said to her in the worst possible light and then complain that the world was full of people who hated her). I had to cut her off when I realized there was nothing I could say or do to make her realize that she was the problem -- that yes, bullies/mean people exist, but that an annoyed tone of voice (which she wasn't always reading correctly anyway) doesn't constitute being mean or a sign that they hate her, and that some of the distance/dislike she perceived wasn't because those people were "haters", it was because they didn't like being around someone who was so unpredictable and might turn on them in an instant. I still care about her but I can't keep dealing with her extreme negativity, and she'll never change.

Exactly. I've had a few friends like this. Notice I said "had". They end up emotionally draining the people around them. When it starts to effect other relationships in my life or becomes detrimental to my mental health, I distance myself. I have learned that I don't need to apologize for protecting myself.

What does that mean? I shouldn't have to endure endless toxicity and negativity, not to mention how would you even know how the rest of society treats my sister? She doesn't get shit from society, she takes literally anything society gives her, good or bad, and calls it shit because she's negative. That's what this thread is about!

The solution for toxic people is to cut them our of your life. I'm not ready to do that because it is my sister, but I am still looking for solutions currently. Continuing to absorb all the negativity because "life is hard for her" is absolutely not an option for me.

I am sorry that my comment upset you. I really didn't mean it in a bad way. I read your comment a bit more relaxed than perhaps it was written. I do not know the details of your situation. I hope you can get the space you need to not feel strangled by her energy. And maybe my sentiment is more appropriate for people who are experiencing this type of thing to a lesser degree. Once again, I wish you the best of luck, and I'm sorry you're going through this, and really for adding to the stress in any way.
Edit: *to a lesser degree

I'm sorry that I reacted so much that you needed to apologise in that way. It was early in the morning and I totally reacted out of emotion. I feel bad now, and thanks for your message. It is really difficult to tell exactly what people mean with their tone on the internet.

No, please don't apologize. I honestly feel bad that I affected you that way. I really do understand how it can feel to hear people comment on a situation that they really do not understand. It can be really painful especially when you're already fighting a battle on your own. I really do hope you find peace in this, and I hope you still feel like you have the space to vent your emotion here. Again, it really is on me for speaking out [of] turn/place and in a careless manner, and you absolutely have the right to your emotions. And, thank you for responding so graciously.

You should never apologize for making sure you aren't emotionally draining. I'm one of those people that are draining so I avoid being around friends too much. I try to see each once a month, but if I notice them getting annoyed on an outing I wait to hear from them when they want to meet up again.

Couldn't have said it better myself. I know I can easily be this person who feels sorry for themselves and wallows in bad stuff, but I make sure to not burden other people with my bad feels too much. Friends and family aren't my therapists or emotional garbage cans.

Great answer. I have a friend like this and I usually end up calling her out for it. She can't even get mad, because deep down she knows I'm right. She's still one of my best friends but just needs a push once in a while.

I had to leave a friendship with someone like this. She's a good person and I wish her well, but five years later she had the same problems she was bitterly complaining about at the beginning of the relationship, and refused to do anything about them. I lost a lot of patience for the phrase "(sighhhh) yeah, well...." because I eventually figured out it was shorthand for "I'm ignoring your suggestions in favour of more wallowing in my own misery."

​

The straw that broke the camel's back was seeing her pop up on Skype and thinking "I should say hi... oh, but I don't have three hours to devote to complaining." I wasn't being sarcastic or making a joke. I literally thought that, stopped short, and started seriously reevaluating my relationship with her and how it was affecting me.

When we first met, she siiiighed and said "everyone leaves me, eventually." At the time I was adamant that everyone else was clearly mean and terrible and that I would never ever ever do this to her. Years later, she'd siiiiigh and say it and all I'd think was "yeah, but you're the common denominator here, though."

I had to end a friendship with my best friend at the time who was like this. After so many years of it and me giving it basically everything I had to try and help her, I just couldn’t anymore. I even tried helping her find professional help but she pretty much said no. I was emotionally and sometimes even physically drained from spending time with her because nothing could make it better. Everything was so horrible and stressful and whoa is me. It was hard to walk away from the friendship and I don’t want this to sound bad but such a weight was lifted off of me when I did.

Exactly. I am currently distancing myself from one such “friend” because I literally have nothing else to say but “I see” after she vents to me about a problem she made for herself. Then she gets upset that that’s all I have to say every time she’s going through something. But like... when are you ever not “going through something”? It’s gotten to the point where I just need remove myself from that kind of energy.

I agree.. I can think of a specific person - I don’t want to coddle or pity but do you have any advice on what to do in this situation?? To avoid enabling it? Clueless really as I’m too worried about coming across as a dick I guess haha. Would appreciate someone else’s thoughts on the matter!

I have this same mindset. I’ve been depressed and have seen only the negative in myself many times but I’ve made a conscious effort to pull myself out of it and not drag others with me. Positive thoughts are often my first thoughts now instead of auto-negative. If you can’t make that same effort and continue to whine about every little thing in your life, I’m not giving you the attention you’re seeking. I just don’t want or need that kind of energy in my life again and do not expect others to accept my behavior if it gets to that point. Life is entirely too short!

In 2011, my father left my mother. He did so in the most callous and evil way - by writing an e-mail, saying he should have won an Oscar for all his years of faking his love for her, and never bothering to see her to her face ever again. When she wasn't home he went in and took EVERYTHING and destroyed family photos and everything.

Ok, you get the image.

Fast forward 2019. She STILL talks about dad as though he just left within the last six months.

She has literally killed every close relationship she's had. You might think, well she's justified to feel bad. Yes, I agree. But I don't agree that she should have done this:

She would go from person to person (me being the one who she did it to the most), and just have mental breakdowns. Every other day. For 8 years. And we were her sounding board. Everything was hopeless for her. She would just sulk for years. TO EVERYONE. Bringing up the same conversations every single day about my father. Does he love her? Did he love me? Do you think he regrets what he did?

Dad took off for another woman in the next town.

​

She never got better because EVERYONE enabled her. Everyone was there to listen.

But after 8 years, we've fucking had enough.

​

Like, EVERYONE knows my fathers is a bastard. So we leave it at there. But the thing is, my mother wasn't innocent. She had a terrible terrible temper that to this day she denies. It was hard growing up with her in the house. I understand why my dad left. But what we were left with after was so hard because my father basically handed all my mother's problems to me and said "HERE YOU GO! Have fun!"

I remember sometime in the summer of 2011 (Dad left in May), my mother's daily cyclical 4 hour phone breakdowns caused me to run too. At the time I was living in Japan. The difference in time and these 4 hour conversations EVERYDAY side by side with my 12 hour shifts, caused me to have a breakdown. I disappeared for about 6 months.

When I came back because I was worried, I was yelled at for saving my own skin because I had basically done the same thing to my sister "HERE YOU GO! Have fun!" and after 6 months she was HAVING NO MORE OF IT.

She was pissed and since then, my sister and I are on a no speaking term. Something else my mom cries about.

​

It's only now she's starting to kinda come back to normalcy. Now people have started hanging up phones on her when she mentions my dad's name.

​

Just don't put up with it. If you do, it will just continue forever. This person crying about how the world got them hard and they just can't get a break.

This is the best way IMO. I've had my friends tell me "Did you just call yourself a fat loser? Because if the guy next to me at work said that about you, I'd smack him in the face, so I'm sure as hell not going to allow you to talk about my friend that way."

This is me. I have clinical depression so my outlook on life is automatically a negative one. I focus on only the bad stuff, I overanalyse and obsess and dwell on everything. It’s not easy to see a light at the end of the tunnel when you can’t see past your own problems. Despite knowing this (and going to therapy) change is incredibly difficult. I’ve lost many friends and my family have pulled away from me too. I do understand why people don’t want to be around me but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt.

This was me, and yes change is difficult and time consuming. Years of therapy and focusing on myself caused a lot of friendships to fade away or blow up. These days a lot of those friendships have been rekindled and are much healthier. One of my good friends from 10 years ago just started talking to me again in the past year. I'm able to see their unhealthy thoughts and habits and set my own boundaries to keep myself healthy and still provide support when I can. It does hurt when your friends fade away or burn out, it was devastating to me many times. Now I wouldn't change it for anything because it made me work really hard to learn to love myself. Keep working at your depression and you will find yourself in a better place eventually.

It does hurt when your friends fade away or burn out, it was devastating to me many times. Now I wouldn't change it for anything because it made me work really hard to learn to love myself. Keep working at your depression and you will find yourself in a better place eventually.

Same here. My life has always been tumultuous, but was entirely turned on its head about a decade ago. I just don't try reaching out anymore because people change when I open up, so i settle with unfulfilled, shallow, or one sided relationships. My life is incredibly lonely, but I think perhaps a support group could be beneficial for me.

When I did open up, I just wanted comfort like a hug or for someone to offer to hang out to help get my mind off things. Those are the things I do for my friends and family, but no one offers the same. My best friend used to say if I did this and that that we could hang out more, but then I'd do what he'd recommend and he would totally forget I existed.
I get it, but you're right, that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.

I've lost all of my IRL friends and my family couldn't care less and is toxic anyway. My friends used to get frustrated and at times controlling, thinking I wanted someone to fix things for me, but all I wanted was a shoulder. It does suck because I would never leave a friend hanging when they're down, the fact that I have no loyal relationships just makes me feel worse, but I also understand if they just aren't equipped to deal with someone with a lot of baggage. There have been many times I've stayed in bad situations because those people were the only support, however negative, that I had in life. This just creates a vicious cycle.

With that said, I'm sorry things are similar for you. I know online friendships are different, but my inbox is open if you need an ear(or err, eye lol). hugs

It just sucks because sometimes you'll just want comfort like you said or sometimes to just talk about things, and nobody will let you. But I can offer the same to them whenever they want. I never get to have that in return, because when I want a shoulder to lean on I am just being depressing again and moping around

You literally described my life here. I give all this love out but when it comes time for me to need some love no one cares. I stopped being friends with people because I'm tired of one sided relationships and would rather be alone at this point.

Same here-- my two best friends actually sat me down one time and just straight up said it. They told me I had been noticeably more negative for the past few months and they knew I was going through a tough time (was unemployed when this happened) and basically said that it needed to stop.

It was really tough to hear, but in retrospect it was great that they cared enough to do that rather than just pull away from me.

So my advice to OP would be, if they're a close friend, just sit them down and say it. I really hadn't even noticed how bad it had gotten, so it was relatively easy to turn it around, even if I was faking the positivity for awhile. If they don't change, please try again. After that, I have to say I understand if you start pulling away from the person to take care of yourself instead.

I have general anxiety disorder and in the past it was often coupled with depression. I know how you feel and it's extremely frustrating sometimes. I'm much better now and have a control over it, but it's always something that hangs over my head. Hang in there, you will learn to cope.

Same. People here complaining about how annoying it is to hear all the negative crap, imagine what it's like to feel it all the time. And then to be be abandoned by the person you trusted enough to open up to. It's indescribably painful and reinforces all the worst negative thought & feelings.

A little compassion can go a long way. No one is saying to be a doormat, but try to help if you can and at least communicate with the person about how their negativity is affecting you. Set boundaries and stick to them, but don't disappear. Friends are supposed to support each other.

This being the key phrase. However, in the sort of "friendships" being described here, the support is only going one way in the direction of one person who thinks they deserve all the support because they perceive themselves as having it harder. It's not ok to take endlessly and still expect people to stick around despite getting nothing in return, just because you feel you have it really hard. Anyone who thinks they're entitled to such a one-sided relationship actually thinks far too highly of themselves for all they'll pretend to be the opposite.

"Support each other" by definition means it goes both ways. It may not be 50/50 all the time, but you help when and how you can because you care about the other person. And they do the same for you, for the same reason. That's friendship. A one-sided relationship is not a friendship. (That's what therapy is for.) Both are being discussed here and distinctions needs to be made, because they should be handled differently.

Same here. A friend of mine, the only one I used to open up about my issues that too because she insisted that I keep messaging her whenever I feel low or anytime I feel like talking to someone, asked me not to talk to her again until I sort out my problems first. I felt stupid. She was the one who always asked me how am I feeling and made me talk to her and then one day all of a sudden she goes like this.

I guess it really depends on the situation. Have they always been like this, or did something change that led them to behave this way?

Are they suffering from depression, or some other mental/physical illness? And if so, are they getting treatment for it (assuming they can afford it) or at least doing something about (e.g. reading books, using self-help techniques)?

Also there are different kinds of negativity. Sometimes it's just that people are genuinely sad and struggling, while other times they are always critical and judgemental. I find the latter types of people far more problematic.

I don't think there is any one-size-fits-all solution but I think if the friendship is draining you or dragging you down, it's reasonable to set some boundaries or reduce the amount of time spent together.

I would also ask myself, are they using me as a substitute for therapy? And are they providing as much emotional support as they give? I don't mind if people are somewhat negative at times, as long as they can give and receive support in a mutual and balanced way over the long haul.

I would also ask myself, are they using me as a substitute for therapy? And are they providing as much emotional support as they give? I don't mind if people are somewhat negative at times, as long as they can give and receive support in a mutual and balanced way.

This is a great point. Good friends usually have a balance when it comes to supporting each other. It’s difficult when one person just becomes a sponge for the other’s negativity. There is give and take with relationships. It shouldn’t be one side that takes takes takes.

For the depressed ones I've gotten a couple of them to a therapist. If it's a negative person that's self critical I tell them 'Yep, you suck. You may or may not, but I don't play the pity game cuz all it does is let you continue the pity party. So you're not going to get a response from me when you say you're a bad person.' They're usually a little shocked and they understand pretty quickly that I will never enter that dynamic with them. For the ones that are critical of other people, I nope right out of that relationship as fast as possible.

Sometimes it's just that people are genuinely sad and struggling, while other times they are always critical and judgemental. I find the latter types of people far more problematic.

This is really difficult. Particularity when sometimes someone is struggling in part due to the criticism and abuse of someone close to them. It can be hard to tell the difference. I agree the ability and willingness of reciprocity is an important tell.

I needed this comment. Someone I considered my best friend immediately distanced herself from me after I confessed to her and our fellow best friend how much I’d actually been struggling last year. They knew I was having a hard time, but didn’t know just how bad it was. Basically, I started the year with emergency surgery, got my heart broken, my depression and suicidal ideations spiraled out of control, I was forced to move very suddenly and because of everything else didn’t handle it well at first, the relationship between my parents and with me was unstable affecting me a lot despite having moved out, then I was raped, continued spiraling, my broken heart refused to heal, and I was left feeling weak and utterly exhausted.

I started therapy in the summer and have been going more or less weekly since, but because things were so bad I sometimes felt the need to talk to someone outside of therapy. My therapist convinced me to open up to them, because she argued that if it was them going through a hard time, wouldn’t I want to know so I could be there to support them? Of course I would.

We’d done that before, after all. They’d helped me with my broken heart, we’d supported the one who pulled away in many things including when she got diagnosed with chrone’s, we’d helped the third out of a dying relationship that was really hurting her as well as bouts of anxiety and depression. It’s what we do.

I think I brought my problems up twice. First the initial confession, then when I started considering pressing charges against my rapist. I noticed she only answeres briefly and it kind of hurt, but I figured she was distracted. Then she stopped contacting me or our group chat, would only answer briefly if I said something, and even forgot my birthday.

I’ve blamed myself so hard for my actions, but I’m slowly beginning to realize that maybe it wasn’t actually my fault? I’ve told a total of three friends about being raped and depressed, two stayed and supported me, one left. It took an immense amount of strength to admit how broken I was, and it hurts so much that my confession made one of my closest friends just drop me. But I wasn’t constantly complaining, although she often did about the problems in her life. And I was in therapy trying to work things out while she didn’t believe in therapy. I tried, I was failing, I asked for a little extra support, and she dumped me. I wasn’t clingy or overbearing, even though I’ve asked myself a thousand times if I was. I realize that now. Yet I still feel like the biggest idiot in the world for telling her my innermost thoughts and fears. Or am I wrong, did I ask for too much? After years of laughter and tears, and being there for each other when we were going through hard times, was I too demanding? I don’t know... but I know I’m absolutely devastated.

Also there are different kinds of negativity. Sometimes it's just that people are genuinely sad and struggling, while other times they are always critical and judgemental. I find the latter types of people far more problematic.

Yes. Exactly this. I've dropped people in the recent past because of this. They're the type of friend you have to defend yourself from. They nitpick anything good in your life apart and ask stupid questions... Eventually, enough is enough.

Ugh this is seriously one of those tough parts of life. I am naturally more of a listener so people sometimes take advantage of that and talk at me non stop, usually about problems that no one else will listen to.

So naturally I’ve done some research as to how to deal with these people. My favorite method is responding with “wow that must be so hard for you!”

I know you’re probably picturing that sarcastically lol but you have to say it sincerely. Most of the time the other person will respond “no it’s not that bad!” or something on those lines. If you do this enough it also may be distracting enough to change the subject.

If you need to straight up set some boundaries, tell them that you are really concerned about their well being due to how much they are complaining. Ask them what they are doing to proactively make changes. And if a problem is fixable, they aren’t allowed to complain about it unless they are being proactive. Insist on the person seeing a therapist. Come from a place of concern. It will blatantly call out the other persons bull shit but you’re not attacking them for it, you just want to help them get better.

Just some jumping off points! It all depends on your relationship with the person of course.

Edit: I’m so so glad that this has resonated with people! I want to quickly clarify that this is not a method to use when someone is going through something sincerely terrible/traumatic/unfixable. That is a very different scenario. You should do your best to validate and comfort the person. Being dismissive is not helpful for someone who is genuinely reaching out for help.

One example I had in mind was a co worker who had convinced herself that our extremely kind and understanding boss was constantly angry with her. I understood this was her anxiety and I did everything I could think of to help alleviate her anxiety and be there for her. I mean, I have horrendous anxiety as well lol but this boss was so so so kind to us that she made me comfortable all the time. And this coworker would completely fall apart when it was just the two of us. I felt terrible and it was happening on a daily basis. It was getting so bad it started effected my own mental health.
Eventually I had to sit down and have that very serious conversation with her. She needed help and it was more than I could provide. That was a time where it was appropriate to step in and insist that she get help immediately. The anxiety was killing her. I couldn’t watch her continuing to go through that pain.

Luckily she did end up seeing a therapist and getting on some medication and started feeling better. That’s all I could have asked for!

But some things people go through- sexual assault, chronic illness, for example- don’t necessarily get better with therapy. They DO affect you for the rest of your life, there’s no magic “erase” button.

I sometimes get the feeling that other people just don’t want to be bothered with those who’ve had a few bad breaks. It’s a kind of if smugness- “ugh, get over it already” or “well thank God that never happened to me, and it never will, because I’m better on some level.”

It’s people’s way of convincing themselves that bad things will never happen to them- and they don’t want to be around someone who bad things have happened to because it makes them uncomfortable.

Ok. Thanks. Unfortunately having gone through both those situations I’ve had other people blame me and say it was my fault, ummm no, it’s the violent relative who assaulted me & drunk driver who caused my injuries fault, I wasn’t drinking.

Ok. Thanks. Unfortunately having gone through both those situations I’ve had other people blame me and say it was my fault.

While that's a well and good, the above poster raises a point, and I think a lot of problems that are more abstract are swept under the complainer rug. I wouldn't dare talk to any of my friends, if I had any, about my problems because I know most people don't want to deal with it.
People often react to depressed people with a kind of resentment because their problems aren't easily fixable. Therapy and meds don't always help, I should know, I try hard every single day and I'm still utterly miserable.
I know this probably isn't you, and I don't think I'm the type of person this thread complains about, but it all just feeds into this sense of alienation that I already have.
How can someone ever feel it's safe to open up when threads like these just confirm that no one actually wants to hear your problems, and their compassion is at best fickle and fleeting?

I want to help my friends. My good friend is going through a rough patch. I’m talking to her everyday, I’ve spent the last 3 weekends driving 3 hours each way to spend time with her. I’m happy to support her, but this is a rough patch - not her continual state of being.

If all you do is bring negativity into people's lives for years, why would they want to be around you?

I had another friend who not once in 5 years ever expressed a happy or positive though. It wasn’t enjoyable to be around her at all. By the end of the friendship I dreaded seeing her name pop up on my phone. It was one litany of complaints after another. I would often end up calling my mom in tears after talks with this friend b/c she sucked every last bit of happiness and energy out of me. I ended the friendship because after 5 years she’d taken more from my life then she added to it. It wasn’t fun or enjoyable to spend time with her.

I’ll support a friend through a rough patch, but there’s got to be some highlights to our friendship too.

You said EVERYTHING. I’m getting a deep sense of smugness from some posters in this thread, and it’s sad. “A kind of resentment because their problems aren’t easily fixable.”

To me, it has to with unrelenting optimism of the American mindset- if your life isn’t going well, it’s because you’re a victim, with a victim mentality.

Instead of accepting the fact that bad things happen to very good people, and there’s no cure or fix for that. It leaves life-long scars, no matter the amount of therapy. There’s no magical bottle of happy solutions, no erase button.

I was coming here to say almost this exact same thing. I try very hard not to encourage the complaining but also to not dismiss it. Saying things like "thats hard" or "I'm sorry that happened" have been really useful to me.

I think a lot of what you said is really good, but I can say right now that if someone responded to something super distressing in my life with "Wow that must be really hard for you", it would make me feel worse because it not only sounds super patronizing, but also super fake. There's no clear cut way to respond to people's problems. We're individuals, we all need help in different ways.

So I always ask before venting to anyone and if they open the door to listening to me only to give me a hollow, insincere, dimestore therapist response like that it tells me they don’t actually give a shit about me as a friend, they were just bored.

I always try to read each friend individually. Some people just want to know you have their back, and you can say that without using catchphrases. Some want you to try and take their mind off of it, offering to do something distracting. Some friends want you to engage and turn the conversation into a kvetching session.

I’ve cut people out and had people cut me out because we didn’t know how to deal with the other’s way of handling life problems. It sucks, but it happens. But if you have a friend you really care about and don’t want to lose then it takes a little more effort than a stock “wow that sucks” response.

Is there an alternative that you feel might actually make you feel better, without forcing the other person to take this on? Like saying, “Fuck, man, that sounds rough. I’m here for you, okay?” Is the same thing... but it’s not offering a solution which in my opinion is way more patronizing. If you’re looking for someone to just listen and support you and not fix your problems, what else could they possibly say?

Insist on the person seeing a therapist. Come from a place of concern.

My friend did this for me, and even helped me find a good one. It saved my life.

I was diagnosed with PTSD and have been working through it for the past year. My therapist also helps me understand why I get those painfully negative thoughts and how to better deal with them. My friend still helps me get back on track when things are really rough too, because that's what good friends do. I also listen to her problems and help to comfort and/or validate her when she needs it, and I'm better equipped for that now thanks to therapy. Is it exactly 50/50? Probably not. She probably helps me more than I help her, but some of us need a little extra help sometimes because life doesn't deal everyone an equal hand.

Thank you for being such a caring, understanding person and for sharing your methods. Hopefully people will listen to your advice and be a little less judgemental than a lot of the commenters here. It could really change a person's life, and maybe even save someone like me.

i've been through hardship and i get it, but from my own experience and others who have been through even worse.. the people who have really seen some shit aren't sitting around moping about it, they're constantly looking on the bright side and grateful for coming out the other side. i don't tolerate endless complaining about shit that doesn't matter from myself or other people. listening to people like this will make you depressed even if they think it makes them feel better (it doesn't, it's proven).

the people who have really seen some shit aren't sitting around moping about it

This right fkin here. The over-complainers tend to be that way because they have nothing terrible to compare it to. I work with a ton of overcomplainers. They have no idea how lucky they are that they have a job 1) indoors, 2) that's temperature controlled, 3) requires no manual labor, 4) with excellent, steady pay, 5) where you don't get fired for complaining or refusing to do something.

I try to smile and nod, but on the inside I'm like Y'ALL HAVE NO IDEA WHAT A SHITTY JOB LOOKS LIKE.

Maybe a more physically active outdoor job would actually be better for them. I do a lot of hard physical labor on a farm, and it's actually pretty great. Being outdoors, amongst plants and birds and unfiltered sunlight, feels a lot more free than being cooped up in the same bleak office day after day. And working out all day makes me sleep like a log, and I always have a lot of energy on the weekends.

I've worked in offices and in retail, and while they were much easier physically, they were much more draining emotionally.

Same. My best friend had some extremely tough times growing up but she is one of the most positive, strong, and loving people I have ever known. She obviously has her moments and I am always there for her at those times, but it’s never been an endless stream of moping for no reason.

I think we think it will make us feel better, but it doesn't. "Venting" often has been proven to make us more depressed, but not a lot of people know that.

I have to say though, I've been through some awful shit as have many I've known and the majority are more on the side of "moping" than looking on the bright side. I think that type of generalization is simply wrong. Also, you never know for sure what people have been through, some just don't talk about those things but rather the feelings surrounding.

Wow, this is the most validating thing I've read all week. In my PhD I've been severely depressed and so have many other colleagues. Now that I'm managing well, I'm bringing my yoga mat to the office, and bringing up well-being and motivational things at every group meeting. One of my colleagues on the other hand has completely withdrawn from group socializing. I know I'm doing the right thing, but somehow I (very faintly) worry that my withdrawn colleague probably thinks I'm pretentious, or that my depression wasn't as real as theirs. But this reminds me that I can be a great positive person despite, or maybe because of, my depression, and that my depression is real, and that it's totally okay to leave behind toxic people even if it seems like they need friends.

absolutely! i have depression too but even so, i try to keep a positive attitude. the trouble is i'm super empathetic and if i'm not careful, i suck up moods like a sponge. and talking to people who just refuse to see an upside will make me more pessimistic, too.

you gotta save yourself. i'm glad you're realizing this and reclaiming what happiness you can :)

Sooo accurate. I think the best thing you can do is distance yourself. Simply because no matter what you say, there thinking won’t change and you’ll just be making yourself miserable trying to comfort them

I can handle it if there really is an objective reason for it AND when they let me talk about my problems as well. If it's just a constant downer without ever considering how I feel at all, they might as well be talking to a tree. Especially annoying when you give them advice (if you've been through something similar to them) and they just ignore you and keep moaning! Life is way too short for this!

Agreed! I think it's about balance in a friendship. It should be a healthy exchange of supporting each other, not completely one-sided in conversation.

I have a couple of friends who only call when they want to rant and wallow in negativity, which drains me mentally at the end of our phone call each time. I'm all for venting and expressing what you're going through (and I do the same too) but I draw a line at not emotionally dumping on my friends and instead look to be heard and understand my own feelings and thought processes, thereby supporting each other that way.

With sympathy and understanding as any good friend would? The same way I'd hope to be treated if I was going through a hard time. Some people really lack the ability to empathise until they themselves face major trials in life.

With sympathy as any good friend would? The same way I'd hope to be treated if I was going through a hard time.

I took the the question as the friend not going through a hard time but one who is consistently negative no matter what the situation. Always "poor me" but refuses to take anyones advice or do anything to change thier situation or perspective.
To me those are two different scenarios and being a friend to someone who is negative all the time is exhausting and toxic. I'm all for being a good friend through tough times but not when there is zero good, happy, fun times to balance the friendship. Why continue a friendship with someone who does nothing but brings you down?

Since the question uses the word always twice its not really an assumption. The qualifiers "I took the question as..." and "To me" were also there so I didnt seem argumentative, it was not meant to be. Just my take on the question and your response.
And you're right about the fact that not everyone can change thier situation. Everyone has the power to change their thought process and perspective though. Your thoughts are the one thing no one can take from you, nor make for you.

A person can have problems that are long term, some people just have bad luck.I never really bought that last part. Nor do I think it's really healthy for people to feel like they have to put a positive spin on everything, when sometimes things just suck and that's that. People aren't weaker for being realistic about that. You can polish a turd and all...

It sucks for them but if it's starting to drag you down, you got to look after yourself first. You're not always going to have endless well of compassion and sympathy, especially if your circumstances change and you need support and positivity.

And most people do, dear, so stop making vague suggestions about a shadowy minority. Even if they don't have "that balance of positivity in their life to draw upon", that sucks, but it doesn't justify them making it anyone else's problem and expecting another person to sacrifice their own wellbeing to them. Anyone who expects that thinks far too highly of themselves, for all they'll pretend the opposite.

In what one? There are multiple people here saying they know people who are constantly negative and complaining, without it being depression. Consider yourself lucky that you've never had someone like that in your life.

Says the person who just decided strangers they've never met have mental health problems, lol. Your hypocrisy is impressive. Sorry, but no one is going to sacrifice themselves to your vague problems and issues.

Reading into things a bit much there....
Its something I always try to do with friends. Hell, its a big part of my job description. I'm a big believer in talking things out. I've seen far too many people bottle things up and when they do finally crack its so much worse than if you just let that stuff out little by little. Sometimes people need to be asked how theyre really doing. It can save a life.

My friend's problems would be easily solved if he just changed his thought process. Because of the way HE perceives himself and people around him, and the assumptions he makes about people and their supposed thoughts (about him), he is making himself miserable... His behavior is also pushing people away, people that initially liked him a lot. Unfortunately, even though he completely agrees with me when I (kindly) point this out, he is unable to do anything about it and continues to complain about it.

He probably has a mental illness that needs to be professionally and/or medically helped. Unfortunately just talking as friends about his perceptions isn't going to help if it hasn't already. The most you can do is recommend therapy. In his case it sounds like CBT would do him well.

That's unfortunate, I'm sorry. I've had a few friends who went to therapy years after I suggested it. Sometimes it just takes time. People truly get used to life as it is and it can be scary to make the step towards something that is more likely to help.

Hopefully he pulls through and will be willing to take a chance with it. My mom had some sort of mental break after 2013 and totally changed for the worse. Six years later, she just started seeing someone for help this past week. I'd been begging her for years to get help.

I honestly think even though she hated her situation, she just literally wasn't willing to accept change or didnt have the energy to try to change things. That's why she is always complaining; she's looking for some way to deal with life as it is, trying to force it to work. I'm so happy she's finally able and willing to try helping herself.

I suspect this person is deliberately being all vague and misrepresenting what you're saying because they're invested in convincing people they should offer one-sided, codependent relationships to people they identify with as a way of making their own life easier. I've come across a lot of people like this, and for all they'll get all pious and mealy-mouthed about having "compassion" for people who take endlessly, you'll never see them offer this compassion themselves, either to the people they identify with by giving them this one-sided relationship, or to the people who are being used as unpaid therapists. Instead, what they really mean is "people need to be compassionate towards me, and by compassionate, I mean give me a one-sided relationship where I use you as a therapist while offering nothing in return."

Agreed. Additionally, not every piece of advice can be taken. Sometimes there is more going on, some advice is risky or dangerous, etc. And lots of people aren't looking for advice or to be told what to do, they just want some warmth and compassion. Give them a hug. Tell them it'll be ok.

My mom definitely has a personality disorder and major depression. She constantly posts negativity online, I give her advice a lot and always have, but it's not my job to fix her. I don't take offense when she doesn't take my advice; maybe she wasn't ready or doesn't like those options.

After 6 years, she's just finally taken my advice. She had the opportunity and the time was right for her. I know this is my mom and not a friend, but it still applies. People always pressured me to take advice when I was struggling, and it's not always the right time or the right advice.

It's not assuming anything when the person knows about the situation because they've listened to the person talk about it endlessly. And the vast majority of people do have the power to change their situation so these vague statements like "Oh, but not everyone can..." are almost meaningless. And even if someone can't change their situation, it's not ok to manipulate others into sacrificing their own mental health and wellbeing in a futile attempt to "save" them by sneakily suggesting they're bad people if they don't.

Patience. And being there for them. Sometimes it's really hard, but hear me out.

When I was a teen, I had a couple of friends who were like that. They'd complain and threaten and even when you try to help in a serious way, they'd push you away and keep complaining. It was frustrating as anything and I distanced myself from them. No time and energy for negativity, right?

Only until I found myself in the same spot. My world came crushing down on me and I became severely depressed. Suicidal even. And I was all alone because I dropped the friends who needed me, and was dropped by friends who didn't want to deal with me. People I was friends with for over a decade ghosted me. I've always tried to hide my problems as best as I could, never speaking about them. Apparently it was too much for my best friend of 12 years to hear I was feeling depressed, when I finally found the courage to confide in her. Never saw her again.

And I slowly realized what a shitty thing I did to the friends I ditched. I realized how devastating it is to feel so low, and to have no one to help you through it. Because it's never just one friend dropping the person, all their friends start taking their distance.

That made me decide I'd never do that ever again. I'd help as best as I can, even if it grates my nerves. I now want to be the friend that I should have been to those people, and the friend that I need myself. I know now why they do what they do. When you are so depressed, it's like a dark fog laying over you, and that's all you can see. It takes a lot of patience to help someone through that fog, especially since it can blind you too.

I went so far to decide to make this my profession. I don't know if I can ever attone for abandoning people when they needed me most, but I will give my all to the people who need me now.

When I was a teen, I had a couple of friends who were like that. They'd complain and threaten and even when you try to help in a serious way, they push you away and keep complaining. It was frustrating as anything and I distanced myself from them. No time and energy for negatuvity, right?

I’ve had to remove myself from a very close friendship recently because of this because our friendship became extremely toxic to me.
At first, she was just down and would over analyze and complain. It didn’t bother me much and I could take it, I’d give her good advice and would try to soothe her worries. The thing with these friendships is that they can really drag you and my friendship was the perfect example of how it went too far:

After years of friendship where she would complain and act like a victim, I became her anchor and that’s when it escalated quickly. I’d get several calls a day, long texts, I’d have to pity her while I was struggling with very difficult stuff on my own. I’m not saying her problems were not as important as mine, but most of her troubles were the consequences of her own actions and she wouldn’t do anything to fix them. It was always about ruminating these worries/problems, even for months at a time. I started feeling down just because of her own problems, I’d take them on my shoulders and I’d to listen to her several hours a day without much of a choice. I’d get into fights with my fiancé more frequently just because I felt so drained.
After several years, it escalated to the point where she’d call me for medical worries where I’d have to convince her she was not having a heart attack. If she did have a medical problem, she wouldn’t actually go to the clinic or pharmacy right away, she’s call me first to complain about it, getting me to convince her to go by herself like an adult. She’d make me read online about “conditions” because it scared her too much to read it herself. She was scared to date and she’d make me do her online dating for her. Everything she did needed some sort of approval from someone and that person was always me. I’m much younger than her but I’ve had my life together since I was a teenager and I think she never matured like she should’ve so she would just put the responsibility of her life on others.

What made me finally break it off was the fact that I had to live alone (long distance from my partner) for my whole first pregnancy and she saw that opportunity of me being alone as the best way to have me focus on her every single day. At that point, she would never ask about how I was doing or how was my pregnancy much. Her answers were short and cold whenever I mentioned my pregnancy or the baby. My phone would always be ringing in the morning and it would stress me out because I knew it was another 2-3 hours of complaints and rumination as a way to start my day.
One day, my phone rang over and over, I asked if it was an emergency since I was trying to nap and she took it really badly. I told her I wanted to focus on the baby and me now, and never spoke to her again.

Don’t let these friendships get too far. You do not have to become a parent or a therapist to your friends. I learned my lesson.

Slow fade, I’ve had friends that turned awesome news I had into depressing triads of how horrible their life is. You can try and be supportive all you want but at the end of the day if that’s all they want to talk about then I’m going to slide out.

I had a friend who was like this. She was not clinicaly depressed, just a big complainer. The straw that broke the camel's back was our conversation about her and college.

She mentioned she thought she wasn't going to get a good grade on a test. I said, "all you have to do is pass, and I'm sure you will!" She said she was going to fail. I said, "well, that's alright! You didn't need that class anyway and your GPA will still be fine."

Then she goes on to say that she's supposed to be graduating in a semester, but is not, and is a failure. I say, "everyone goes at their own pace and your pace is just fine." She responds that her pace is "expensive." I explain that she's in a community college while our peers are in private 4 years, so actually her pace is pretty cost effective regardless. "Yeah but whatever I still suck and so does school."

She just kept going. I got so tired of it. Our entire friendship was compossed of her speaking poorly about herself and life, asking me why she wasn't "good enough" for the nasty, asshole dudes that she wanted. One of those guys actually sexually harassed me in the past and she didn't give two shits, saying "yeah. he can be nasty" and continuing to talk to him. Proceeded to complain about how there's no one else who seems to want her.

I've decided I'm not dealing with that shit again. That friendship ended much later than it should have.

tl;dr - went on a rant. I don't handle those friends, cut my own friend off because of it.

A hug, suggest some nice things they can do to relax and feel better. Be there to listen and a good friend. We all have hard times that are sometimes uncontrollable and we are there for eachother no matter what.

I’m currently having this issue in a BIG way. I have a close friend who I’ve known for about six years, and recently some things have shifted in both of our individual lives so they look a bit different than they have prior (not in a bad way, necessarily).

But in this time, I’ve become just acutely aware of how negative of a person she is - but she doesn’t think she’s that way at all. She’s quick to call people out on things they do that annoy her or that she thinks are strange, and she operates on a high level of learned helplessness and thinks that her lot in life is just to be single and unhappy (also pretty exhausting that she ties having a partner go being happy).

I also don’t really know what to do, but I try to only hang out with her when I’m in a patient mood, because if anything is going wrong or I’m irritated by anything in my own life, I feel myself getting really frustrated and angry with her.

Omg same. My friend has depression and is cynical and has a negative outlook in life in general. It has gotten to the point where I am not enjoying her company anymore and I'm questioning why I even hang out with her. Well of course she has good traits but her negativity is really affecting me. And I feel guilty for feeling this way about a Friend.

Yikes. This sounds EXACTLY like my friend, especially the single and unhappy part. And yet, she tries to start relationships with men that are almost always DOA. Let’s call her Mary.

One guy she was more-than-friends with lived with his long time girlfriend. Once, Mary complained to me that when she was hanging out at his place, his girlfriend kissed him when she got home from work. And Mary was upset about it. Like....what?! Another guy was going away for school in another city just months after they started to hang out. And most recently she got upset that things ended with this new guy that she met 10 DAYS PRIOR that lived in his van.

At a certain point, I just didn’t know how to respond to this type of venting (whining about problems she created for herself and playing the victim through it all). And she got upset with me about it. So I’m just distancing myself from that kind of energy. Bye, Felicia 👋🏽

I don’t talk to them. It’s just not mentally healthy for me. I recommend they get help and distance myself. I myself have PTSD and anxiety, so I really don’t need to be someone’s unpaid therapist when I myself pay a therapist so I don’t become miss doom and gloom ya know?

If a friend is really being down on herself, I like to ask "Would you ever talk to/about someone you care about this way?" The answer is almost always no, and it can help a person realize that they aren't treating themself with kindness.

I had to do this with a friend recently. Whenever we hang out she always complains and goes on and on about her problems. She’s planning a wedding which is an incredibly stressful process but I was getting worried. I wanted to make sure she was enjoying herself a little and not just miserable.

So, I just asked her “hey so as your friend I just need to make sure that you’re okay and happy because you always tell me about the negative stuff and not the positive stuff so I’m a little worried you’re actually unhappy.”

She was very receptive and explained that she didn’t have anyone else to vent to about this stuff so that’s why she was always complaining, but that she was happy. Then we had a long convo about the positive things in her life and how much she loved her fiancé. It was a really nice change and I understand now why she is always complaining to me.

You have to try to understand why they’re telling you all the negative stuff and then try to get them to share the positive stuff with you too. If they are just stuck in the negative and refuse to budge, then it might be time to not engage. When they start to complain just deflect or change the subject. If they don’t get the point then maybe recommend therapy (if you have a close relationship with them). At the end of the day it’s not your job to listen to their misery if they won’t even try to look at the positive or to get help.

My boyfriends sister told me that we should talk about ourselves like we are talking to our friends. So when you say “I’m so fat” or “I will never be pretty like those other girls” it is important to stop and think “would I say the same thing to my friend?” And if the answer is no, you shouldn’t say it to yourself!

I always try to give a listening ear first and sympathise, but honestly, I have a very little patience of these kinds of people.

It’s ok to bemoan life every now and then because sometimes, things really ARE terrible. But it’s not ok to go on about it all the time like you’re the only one suffering and no one understands your suffering.

Yes, suffering is not equal and we can’t diminish another’s suffering. But by ALWAYS talking about how terrible things are for them shows self-centeredness, unwillingness to change things and unwillingness to view things from a different perspective. You can’t help someone who doesn’t want to help themselves. So help yourself by not letting them drag you down.

Unless. Unless. This friendship is really really important to you and you feel you can suffer this behaviour.

I provide as much support as I can, however it is very draining after a while. As such I am upfront and honest about how I want to help and support them, however it is too much to hear about how everything is terrible always.

My friend and I do this every Friday ... send each other 10 things we’re grateful for. We’ve been doing this for 8 years straight. And if one of us is down and struggling to come up with 10, the other one helps think of some.

This was me when I was first a single mom because I was living really poor, had very little support and probably had ppd. The problems were real. Luckily the people who were there for me knew I was suffering and not wallowing and helped me immensely whether it was sending me the clothes they would’ve sent to goodwill or buying me shampoo for Xmas one year. Seriously, gratitude for that help and I give back when I can.

I’ve been on both ends of this and honestly, compassionate realness can help a lot, along with a little bit of humor. At some point, there’s only so much listening to same thing over and over again you can do. You have to protect yourself from being drained by someone else’s problems. Sometimes a simple, “Friend, you need to either make a game plan to fix this problem, or get used to it being around because nothing is going to go away on its own” may push someone in the right direction.

I really haven’t been able to have any long-term friendships with people like that.

That said I have been pretty depressed for the last 2-3 years. I’ve tried to not be a downer when I’m with friends but Ive also struggled with how to tell what I’m going through so they know why I haven’t really been myself. At my lowest point I was avoiding seeing people almost entirely because I was so embarrassed about how bad of a state I was in, and felt like I couldn’t even get near pretending like I was okay in social settings. I’ve been seeing therapists multiple times a week for almost a year and I’ve gotten a lot better. Still though it’s hard because most of the people I consider my closest friends are super accomplished and successful and positive and haven’t really experienced the feeling of their lives being suddenly thrown into chaos on family and professional fronts simultaneously.

I’ve definitely really strained at least one very close friendship and have since become terrified of alienating her further. Sigh.

That “friend” is my teenage sister. This started at around 13. I was very attentive and understanding.

Now, she’s 17. Still saying the same thing. I tell her to a grip. 🥴

It’s actually beyond frustrating because she can’t name ONE thing she likes about herself. The girl is beautiful too (and I’m not just saying so because she’s my sister!) so it’s definitely something my family does not seem to understand.

We’ve tried therapy, etc. Nothing works! Personally, I blame social media. She is always comparing herself to the next girl.

Hoping she wakes up soon & realizes that she has it pretty good..... 😓

I have a friend like this just now and I’m struggling to deal. She was out of work for 4/5 months and took it badly. She finally has a really good job but all she does is complain. She texts me like 10+ times a day and when I’m at work I’m super busy so I don’t really have time to chat. At home I’m dealing with a terminal mother and sick sister. I have a lot on my plate and I can’t always prop her up. I struggle to give her the time she needs because it’s always so negative and I feel guilty for not responding a lot of the time but I just can’t take care of anyone else on top of everything I already have going on.

I distance myself. I cannot carry their emotions for them, or buoy up their negative identity, or contribute to the ugly cycle of negativity for the comfort of commiseration.

Because of my traits I seem to have these types of folks seek me out more than many. Refusing to enable has earned me more than one named called with the idea that I'm mean. I actually have quite a lot of empathy but venting for venting's sake is a pet peeve of mine. I want you to fix it.

Most of my friends these days are those where we share mutual hobbies and a drive to make things rather than the sharing of negativity to make it intimate.

i bluntly but kindly (it's possible) tell them to do something about it, or ask them point blank, what will you do then?

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it's not your job to coddle anyone. it's a friendly social duty to be kindly support. support what? positive change. that's what. so ask them. if they're not just whining to whine, then they've probably thought about solutions. so figure out what they are. if they are just whining to whine, call them out on it. just keep prompting: what are you going to do about it?

Usually don’t stay friends for very long, because I won’t reinforce or react to negative attention seeking behavior. If they have been diagnosed with depression, that’s one thing. Constantly complaining to gain sympathy and attention from others is another, and is a huge red flag for me as far as behavioral health goes. I will actively avoid it.

I've been "that mopey person" many times due to lots of life traumas,failed therapists,general loneliness, and poor social and coping skills. I didn't quite talk about how everything was terrible all the time, but I was just different from who I had been and I know people still viewed me that way.

I know it's not healthy, but at this point I just try going for shallow or one sided relationships(in the other person's favor). This leaves me still lonely, but at least able to socialize somewhat and not feel hurt. Unpopular mindset, but I go in expecting that no one cares, and honestly, it makes me less sad to just be honest with myself that way and have less expectations.

For those who don't understand what it's like to get in a years long slump: people accept love and help that they think they deserve. If you're verbally telling someone to do this and that, or that they're not "a failure", "ugly", "stupid", etc. consider how you and very importantly others(something far out of your control), treat them. If you blow your friend off or ghost them, what message is that sending them? If you don't offer your time when they're struggling, what message is that sending? If you say that you'd never do [insert what they're doing here], or that theyre being dumb for letting X continue, what message is that sending? Are you speaking in ways that would subtly help empower them, or are you speaking in ways that are helping to keep them down, even if your intentions are well meaning?

On the flip side, I also find that I am always the person my old friends, acquaintances, and family come to when they need an ear or some support. This harbors resentment, but I try my best to just not think about it much.

What I try to do if someone is getting excessive, repeating themselves, refusing to get help, etc. is to just put myself in their situation and imagine what I would've needed during those times. I wasn't looking for an answer, I wasn't looking for someone to take over for me, I wasn't looking to be enabled; I wanted to be shown why I wasn't worthless, that I was loved, that kindness existed, and so on. I didn't want to be given some verbal,canned response/reason to live, I wanted to be shown that I matter. That's literally all. I try to get myself through this by just remembering that not everyone is capable of handling a person with a mental illness.

So, for others, I give them a hug and tell them they're going to be ok. I offer a couch, or help finding shelter if they need it and it's relevant to their suffering. I use empathizing words like, "that must feel awful, I'm sorry for your situation." I offer to do things with them to get their mind off of their suffering and to remind them that life can be good. I try to use positive phrases to help their mood shift.

These are all things that I needed and wished I had had. I am very empathetic and people's problems and emotions can really get to me as if they're my own, but I try to set boundaries and remind myself that these are their problems, I can just be a friend and listen and if their talking pushes my boundaries or becomes the nucleus of our friendship, I empathize with them and try to change the subject to lighten their mood. If none of this helps, I just initiate contact less, but I will still talk with them if they come to me.

The saddest thing about a lot of comments here to me is, people spew suicide hotline all over the internet and advise people to see therapists. A therapist will tell you if you are in a very rough situation to have a good support system, but in my experience, that's almost impossible to find if you don't already have it.

I know it's not healthy, but at this point I just try going for shallow or one sided relationships(in the other person's favor). This leaves me still lonely, but at least able to socialize somewhat and not feel hurt. Unpopular mindset, but I go in expecting that no one cares, and honestly, it makes me less sad to just be honest with myself that way and have less expectations.

However, I also find that I am always the person my old friends, acquaintances, and family come to when they need an ear or some support. This harbors resentment, but I try my best to just not think about it much.

So, I give them a hug and tell them they're going to be ok. I offer a couch, or help finding shelter if they need it and it's relevant to their suffering. I use empathizing words like, "that must feel awful, I'm sorry for your situation." I offer to do things with them to get their mind off of their suffering and to remind them that life can be good. I try to use positive phrases to help their mood shift.

To be honest, as I got older i didn't have the same patience for it. I've had my own struggles in life so it did me no good to keep company with routinely negative folk.

I just communicated theme's i noticed and would gently recommend therapy. It helped that i was open about my own therapy so it didn't feel like an attack. Unfortunately some friends won't ever get the hint and you simply have to walk away.

There's a difference between just shit piling on them, even if some seem little and they are overwhelmed and another if they are just a perpetual pity party with no resolution.

I've distanced myself from a friend who was draining because they have you listen and pour yourself into helping them and they never take the advice or change anything and this problem will cycle back into their life because the root issues are still there unaddressed.

I am a very supportive friend but I think for those types they gravitate thinking I'll enable them. I won't. I'm empathetic but not a doormat. I will hold your hand through everything if you are willing to take the steps. Otherwise you're on your own.

I end up ignoring it after a while. My best friend is like this. She battles unmedicated bipolar, she is married to a disabled vet and her wife pretty much can't do anything, they've been fighting with the VA for years to try and get her the medical help that she needs but they're getting nowhere, and to top it all off she just moved halfway across the country to go to school full time and can't handle a job on top of all that. So she talks down on herself to me all the time and when I try to tell her that she needs to at least stop outwardly talking about herself like that, she'll either point out something else, or just clam up. So I've accepted that she won't help herself, I can't help her, and she probably won't ever see a therapist, so I should just ignore it.

You just said she was struggling to get healthcare? They probably dont have the money floating around for that. Sounds expensive and school counsellors are usually pretty absent or ill equipped. Plus counselling isn't some silver bullet for what sounds like some major problems. And unfortunately medication options for bipolar are very limited, dangerous and expensive. You cant necessarily just see a gp. It needs to be under the care of a (very expensive) psychistrist.

Well sorry, but do you actually say any of this to her face? Or is it only being called out on your own crap that's rude? I'd be pretty horrified if a 'friend' posted that much detail online about me to tear me down no less.

Step off the armchair psychiatrist act. Bipolar inherently makes 'self help' sort of stuff difficult, that's sort of the point. What sort of self help are you proposing she does? Bipolar is caused by a neurochemical imbalance. A gratitude journal or whatever crap you read on pinterest is going to be like putting a bandaid on a bulletwound. You're clearly underinformed, so step off the judgement.

As for being rude, you're talking about her behind her back on reddit! You're right that's not rude, that's well beyond rude. It's being a shit friend and a betrayal of trust. Can you imagine how she'd feel if she knew... Gosh that's just the most immature thing I've read all day.

Ignore this person. They're desperate to push the idea that people they identify with are entitled to a one-sided friendship where they take endlessly and offer nothing in return because everything must always, always be about them and their feelings and their issues. On the plus side, it seems the vast majority here see through this sort of selfishness and manipulation and know they have the right to walk away from it.

I have one friend in particular who used to completely drain me with this. I can relate to her, and would try to talk things thru, but nothing I could ever say would seem to help. After taking a little bit of space, I came back into her life as someone who just isn’t going to hear it anymore. I tend to use humor, to downplay the things that I know aren’t really serious so she can relax and distract herself. A lot of the time people who are caught up in depression get just totally lost in it and everything feels so so big. I just tell her hey, stop it dude, we’re going to have a good time and I don’t want to hear any more of this sad shit! Obviously it’s a thin line, and there are times when people really need support. But when it feels constant, and you know the person well enough to know when they’re truly in crisis, it’s okay to set a boundary and recreate your role in their life.

I don't handle them. At least, anymore. And I'm not friends with them anymore.

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To be honest, people who always complains about anything are not really genuine. They want something else than a solution to their issue or sounds advices. They want one or the following things, sometimes all of it :

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- For you to tell them how great they are, and how brave they are. They are fishing for compliments, reassurances and validations.

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- For you to solve their problem for them, while they don't lift a finger about it.

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- To be a victim. They love playing the victim for reasons that I have yet to understand. Because somehow they're also very prideful and say they hate pity and things like that.

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- Attention. Simply attention even negative one it's still attention.

​

Now, someone who is genuinely depressed and show this behavior....somehow it really doesn't come-off the same way.

It's hard. Current technique is complete nonchalance. Friend might say "oh, I'm so hideous, I'm so ugly, no one wants me" etc and I'll just shrug and go "nah". Also random compliments to them - their outfit looks cool, I like what they've done with their hair, they picked a great place to meet etc. And if they disagree - "well, I think it's pretty cool" and verbally shrug off their torrent of negative thoughts so hopefully they can do the same.

But honestly, it gets difficult. When you're in that headspace you always assume you have it the worst and that no one else understands your suffering. I'm currently dealing with that from my own group of mates right now, and they're totally dismissive of everything I say. I feel like I have to downplay good things that happen to me because it'll upset them (they've said they don't wanna hear about them).

Take breaks from those sorts of people, because when it's 24/7 they'll pull you down even if they don't mean to.

I just stop talking to them and being their friend. It seems like a form of manipulation in many cases. Theres a huge difference from being depressed and baiting you into compliments and wanting you to do things for them- this has been my experience.

At first I was supportive, but after hearing the same argument, I asked them if they want the truth or the sugar coated answer.

I love my friends, but I get very annoyed when it's the same god damn problem they're not willing to fix.

Sometimes they even trick me to listen to them! When I realize what's happening, I just tell them that I can list down all the answer, but they'll say no to everything and I'll be hearing about this problem next time that I see them.

I had to learn the hard way because I was that person. Didn't want to admit it, but I was. In my default state, left totally unchecked, I still am. I don't want to be so I work on it, but it's there.

It's weird to think about, but it's kind of an identity. Where and when I grew up, it was like the misery olympics anytime women got together. Aunt Esther is "down in her back" again, Mrs. Eileen has the arthritis, Gertrude is in tears because her husband went out drinking. That's what I thought I was supposed to be like as an adult, so that's what I became. The names and ailments changed (Jennifer pulled a muscle again doing yoga, Katie's son spent all his birthday money on weed) but the misery stayed the same.

I realized that a lot of us women are socialized to be down, be miserable, to weep, wail and gnash our teeth, and so we do. Because if nothing is wrong, everything is wrong, right? I had to learn patience with myself and acknowledge that I was as much of a miserable pain in the ass as everyone else when it came to this kind of thing. What I've noticed since is that when I refused to be low, to be down, to wear my tragedies like a tiara, I felt lost. I had to replace that identity with something. I decided that instead of being the always-frowning person, or the always-got-a-more-pathetic-life person, I'd become the always-smiling person, the always-has-a-genuine-compliment-for-you person, and did just that. It's working out really well for me, and I mean that literally. I was written up at work for my negative attitude a few years ago and now my boss tells me I'm the person she always goes to when she can't find a silver lining because she knows that I can.

So TLDR: misery is an identity. If you choose to engage or can't avoid such a person, help them find a more positive way to identify. Give them something to like about themselves that's irrelevant to their troubles and reinforce it until it sticks.

To be honest sometimes I have to cut those people out of my life. I try so hard to help them change their mind and if I can’t do then I encourage them to seek therapy or something that would make them happier, but they don’t.

The feelings of those around me can affect me so if there’s someone who is constantly down that doesn’t make me feel too hot either so I have to separate myself and find people who have the same positive outlook that I do.

I honestly think just distancing yourself or ignoring them is 50% of the problem. Like, it isn't that helpful to me. If someone trusts you enough to show their vulberability, and you just shrug them off, then what does that say?

It's just my pov, but I honestly think that at least letting them get it out every once in a while and actively listening is helping and cathartic for them. Like, if you know they have something go it on and clearly want to talk, is ignoring them really the best way to go? It might seme lile small peanuts to you, but it might be a huge problem for them. Because they'll remember that, at the eame time, that you distanced yourself and didn't want to "deal with them", so why should they when you come around and want to talk/help?

The fact that they trust you enough to sele solace from you is good. People don't just wake up and say "i'm not gonna bther my frie ds with my problem. I'll go see a therapist." It literally just doesn't happen that way. And then yoh can't turn around and be like, "Oh, I thought I was your friend, why didn't you just come to me?"

It's just hard and complicated and takes a lot to deal with, so like I said, I don't think ignoring them is the right way to go. Because if the roles are reversed you would want someone to at least listen. They aren't looking for someone to solve their problem, but literally for someone to listen.

Now, like others have said, there is a difference between someone who's favorote pasttime is complaining about the things they can easily fix in their life. Emotional manipulation is not okay. Give them options, and if they ignore you, you need to learn to let them go. Because they only care that you care enough to respond, not about what you actually have to say to help them.

Time box them. When they want to hang out meet at a restaurant & keep it to an hour or so depending on how long the food takes. That way you can be a good friend. You can listen to their woes, offer some advice and then get out. I’ve had a few friendships like this and I had to cut the time I spent with them down to once a month for dinner. They probably don’t even realize they are being so negative & draining. They are likely just going through some shit. Eventually they will find their way out. And they will be in a better place, it just might take some time. I haven’t had to end friendships like this. Just had to give less energy & time to them.

I have bipolar disorder and I’m more on the manic depressive side of things. Thankfully I have friends that are super supportive that actively help me come out of my loops. Therapy helped too as well as medication. I have to also actively be mindful of my emotions and how they effect others but sometimes that can be hard; I sometimes have to isolate myself until I get out of it. What I love about my friends is that they accept me for who I am - cuz no one can be a happy go lucky person all the time, clinically depressed, bipolar or not. We are all humans and if friends can’t handle that they shouldn’t be your friends.

The day I graduated from high school is also the day I stopped socializing with negative/difficult people. Life is too short to be complaining. If they don’t like their situation it’s 100% up to them to change it. Overcoming shitty situations is difficult but not impossible.

After years of friendship I blew up at him one night and told him that he was fully capable of changing his own life and circumstances and the world wasn’t out to get him. I just couldn’t take babying him when i knew it was himself that was the problem.
We stopped speaking, he actually ended up moving across the country back home for a while to get his shit together. But it worked.

Even though it took a toll on our friendship, I know that conversation was the point where he changed his life. He got a steady job for the first time and grew up a lot in the last couple years. We’ve reconnected. I would suggest telling them before it boils up and you lose it like I did, but honesty is always best. Enabling doesn’t help.

Well i ended up cutting all my ties with a person like that. Because everything was also terrible with me and all of my other friends this person particularly always complained. I hate people when they complain too much about everything. I told her how she would make it work for hundreds of times, introduced her to my other friends who were pretty much in a same rough patch. I know every one is individually has different ways of dealing with problems but she became a problem to me by time. It became a toxic relationship and i cut it off at the end. I heard she is doing better nowadays but i really had enough to deal with on my own and didnt need more problems in my life.

If it’s a depression/anxiety issue, I try to be supportive. Help them find balance. Encourage self care. Encourage seeking some kind of counseling.

If it’s someone who just likes to complain, a lot, about everything, and acts like the world should revolve around them just because.. I tend to not associate with people like that. They tend to be toxic and exhausting. Especially because they rarely even put forth any effort to better their lives.

It really depends. I can be very Pollyanna at times and talk about all the good things going on and why you shouldn't worry about this or that, or why they shouldn't feel bad, etc... And I don't mind doing that for people I care very much about... I can usually cheer someone up. But you can't prop people up forever. It's exhausting.

I don’t keep them. I’m at the point in my life all pointless negativity should be grown out of already.

Now if my friend has depression/anxiety or similar than I’d be completely understanding and help them through/with what was going on (even if this is to just sit with them and do nothing). Most times these guys just need time, patience, a listening ear, and someone to talk to - and I can do that... (I have asthma and they don’t 2nd guess me when I say I can’t breathe, they help me -but they don’t tell me to just breathe. Therefore I can’t tell my friends to just be happy or just focus on not being anxious, bc it doesn’t work like that either)

Now if my friend was looking for a sympathy check, a pissing party, or to just bring others down with them... I’ll walk away and let that boat sink. Friends, family - doesn’t matter. They want the boat to sink and they don’t care who’s on it with them, so I peace out before they can sink me in their sympathy sea. Nope.

I suffer from clinical depression, and even while on meds, it's easy for me to enter and maintain a negative train of thought without meaning to. I just tell my closest family and friends to call me out on it. Best friend literally just has to tell me to stop bitching and I'll stop (voicing it out... unfortunately, internal change takes time). I do the same if she falls into the same trap. However, when the negativity/depression gets bad, I usually just let my peeps know I'm going MIA and avoid socializing meaningfully until I've seen my therapist and get the help I need to rein my thoughts in. It's not the best coping strategy (especially for relationships that are new and need regular feedback), but I'm learning as I grow.

My suggestion is to sit your friend down and just honestly tell them you don't want to hear them talking about themselves so negatively all the time. Tell them you would rather have most of your talks be positive and constructive. Let them know they might want to look into therapy, in order to gain another perspective. If you're willing to help them out in an area they feel down about, offer your help. When you meet with them again, try to steer the conversation away from their life and feelings. Steer it towards new activities and positive outcomes (i.e., "tell me what's good?", "what made you happy this week?", "how have you been kicking ass?", etc.).

However, if after that talk and a couple of more meet-ups they show no improvement and they continue to spew self-hate and self-pity on the regular, drop them. Let them know you don't want to be friends anymore, precisely because they're overly pessimistic and it's toxic for you to listen to. Then, leave.

It sucks, but sometimes love means letting people suffer the consequences of their actions.

The first few times, I will give them my support and provide positivity. However, if this is just a negative person who likes to complain all the time, I will cut them out of my life. I don’t need that toxicity.

Ditto with people who manipulate compliments from people. I have one friend - constantly “I’m so fat”. She was a coworker as well and I heard people started telling her that she was fat. Harsher than I would have been but she stopped saying it.

I have to minimize the time I spend with them. For example, my best friend has depression and anxiety, but beyond that she talks about herself a lot and isn’t an attentive listener. If I spend too much time with her I get cold and “shut off”. I see her very often so I maintain the friendship, but I’ll likely distance myself once I enter college.

I also find that these people are the type to compare your suffering; I tend to hide my personal issues instead of having someone say that their anxiety is worse or that I don’t have a disorder I have (both have happened).

I let the person get out what they need to and then I cut it right off. I don't have time or energy to listen to a person's problems when they shoot down every bit of advice and use ever instance of empathy as an opportunity to pile on more complaints. If I don't get the sense that the person has any interest in taking responsibility for how they want to move forward from what their situation is, I can't put my energy into it. I'm not rubber. I am not your life boat.

I used to let people pile their bullshit on me all the time and it felt like I was drowning and it started to ruin my own mental state. I had to take responsibility for myself and I stopped enabling. I have a cold approach to people's issues but for whatever reason people still want to talk to me about stuff. I just have boundaries about it now and the people in my life have learned to respect it. It's made my friendships much better.

Honestly, I entertained these kinds of people for most of my life. I thought I could help turn their perspective around, especially considering half of the complaints weren't even that serious.

But I found in the last two years that cutting them out of my life is SO NICE. I now have time for actual friends instead of being a therapist to people who will always see the worst in life.

After not talking to one woman for almost a year, I visited my hometown and we have coffee one day. I didn't realize how much that kind of attitude drained me until experiencing it after a year of freedom. It's soo worth it!

Don't be afraid to take breaks from people who strain you. It's better to be your best self some of the time than be a mediocre friend all of the time.

Be honest about it. If someone is always being negative then show them the bright side. Nearly everything has a bright side to it. After a couple of weeks of trying this I always had something positive to say. Even if its only "oh well, you can try again and next time will be better" if there's nothing else I can muster. Be kind too as I said. Do nice things and don't be afraid to point out how nice and friendly you are, or how you were paying attention and how well you know them. Things like this can make a big difference. When you have obvious things to be grateful for and happy about it can help you realise if you're being a bit of a sorry sod. Try to help the mental health of those your around, it's very important.

friend" i am shit."
me "ok, what can we do to fix it."
friend can either choose to want to fix it, or choose to live that way.
i have had to pully myself up and it sucked to do it alone, and i will be there for all my friends as much as i can but only if they want to because i will not put in the work for your pity party. specially if you werent there for me.

I've started asking people if they're able to talk/listen/hold space before venting, and expecting the same in return. Kindly encouraging healthy communication and demonstrating with your own behavior can make a huge difference and set a precedent for people.

Really depends. I have some quite negative friends who are still able to have conversations about other things, so that's fine; and I have friends who are genuinely dealing with shit (mental illness or bad luck) who I will help as best I can.

But there have been a couple of people who spent YEARS talking about nothing but their issues. One very close friend was like that and I had tried everything from gentle guidance to blunt "you are being an annoying arse".

I didn't see him for a month or so and the second I saw him he started moaning about work, his dad, etc... It was the SECOND I saw him, truly. He didn't even say hello properly. Haven't bothered calling him since.

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I didn't see him for a month or so and the second I saw him he started bitching about work, his dad, etc... It was the SECOND I saw him, truly. He didn't even say hello properly. Haven't bothered calling him since.

My ex best friend wasn't always like this, but she fell into a deep depression when she couldn't get into med school. It was her second year applying. Her dream just wasn't going to happen. She stopped responding to my texts and didn't want to talk to me on the phone. She became cold and distant. I tried being patient, but at some point, it's not a friendship anymore, and I stopped trying. I just texted her that when she's ready to talk, we will. Haven't heard anything from her in over a year. Hope she's doing better though.

I had a housemate who was like this. Constantly whines about her asthma being bad and all the chest infections but refused to quit smoking because she was so stressed about her degree. The degree who’s classes she never turned up to and the dissertation she refused to work on at any point.
The financial shit she was in after she decided she needed a new car on finance and taking her boyfriend on holiday when neither of them could afford it because she was living on a maintenance loan and like £100 a month and he was unemployed. She then decided working and uni was too stressful so cut her hours at work and was just drinking all the time (and therefore also smoking more).

Tried to help her with all of it going so far as to get her meetings with the finance office at uni (she never went), writing an action plan for uni work (she looked at it once and then stopped bothering), trying to quit smoking alongside her and lending her rent money (that she spent on a takeaway). Eventually I told her off and then cut her off after she made no effort

I have had to quite frankly say “if you don’t like it, change it but I can’t talk about this anymore”. If they’re true friends they’ll listen to what you’re saying and y’all can move on. And I’m talking about people complaining about the same things for YEARS. My BFF ended up getting a nose job and now she’s as happy as can be and so am I!!

I’m a therapist, so I really can’t take this behavior in my social life because it’s so much of my work life. I honestly have cut most of the people who engage in this behavior out of my life because it’s so exhausting. One notable exception is my father, obviously not going to cut him out, but when he starts moaning about his life and his anxiety I cut him off real quick and tell him to go to therapy lol. This is a shorthand between us because I have had several in-depth conversations with him about how he really needs to do some work on himself and that it’s difficult for me to listen to the same problems over and over when he doesn’t change any actions. So now when he starts doing it I just yell therapy! And we both have a chuckle and he checks himself.

It can be hard to be friends with a person who always sees things in a negative light. The best way to handle this friend, if the only option is to be somewhat supportive but not too much so you don't get drawn into the downward spiral, is to say things like: "I'm sorry that happened to you". "That must be hard to deal with", "Hopefully things get better soon".

It allows you to be supportive, but prevents you from getting into too many details. Often people who are in this type of state of mind only see the negative. So it's hard to really offer solutions or fix the situation through a conversation. They basically have to walk themselves out of the negative space they have helped create.

If it becomes too much, you can be firm with them and set boundaries. It's hard if they try to drag you into all of their drama and problems. Especially if they want to stay in the negative space and refuse to try anything different.

I realized too late that she was just using me. In our last few interactions, I was going through a divorce, and decided to stay here with no family. I really thought that after everything I'd done for her she'd be there for me. I was wrong we were hanging out, and she invited an old friend. I was a little upset because I needed girl time but whatever. She ended up telling me that I needed to "try" him because he's "really good" then he told me that she had told him that I was into BDSM and needed some relief. He kissed me and I left as fast as I could. Our interactions had severely decreased. I'd still check on her from time to time. And, the last conversation we had was her asking if she could park her car in my parking lot, and then demanding that I let her stay with me. I blocked her. I genuinely want her to be okay, but I'm not the one.

A lot of people think it’s selfish when you look out after yourself, but you can’t be responsible for someone’s happiness. When people cross boundaries they take advantage. It’s not that you’re not being a good friend. its that you can’t expect people to always be there and you can’t expect others to drop everything to listen to every one of your problems or try to fix them when you don’t initiate or take responsibility for them, it’s too emotionally exhausting. There’s a difference between being there for someone going through a hard time and actually wanting to change and help themselves, compared to someone who’s always having a hard time and not doing anything to help themselves. So, sometimes cutting ties may be the best solution.

A lot of people think it’s selfish when you look out after yourself, but you can’t be responsible for someone’s happiness. When people cross boundaries they take advantage. It’s not that you’re not being a good friend. its that you can’t expect people to always be there and you can’t expect others to drop everything to listen to everyone one of your problems or try to fix them when you don’t initiate or take responsibility for them, it’s too emotionally exhausting. There’s a difference between being there someone going through a hard time and actually changing to help themselves compared to someone who’s always having a hard time and not doing anything to help themselves. So, sometimes cutting ties may be the best solution.

The people who try to convince you it's selfish are the people who identify with the takers. It's in their interest to push the idea that anyone who won't sacrifice themselves to their issues is a bad person because this will make life so much easier for them.

This was never a “friend” to start out with if this person felt it was okay to treat me like a therapist or a place to hang all their emotional baggage and do all the emotional labour. This “friend” also needs to understand that the people around them do not exist to merely make them feel better about themselves, and friendships go two ways. And this “friend of a friend” needs to realise that it’s absolutely not okay to try and guilt someone into exhausting themselves with a selfish, pessimistic, emotional drain. Everything about all of this is toxic, and I’m not going to put up with it.

There is a difference between being empathetic and being expected to be someone’s emotional sponge.

I can be empathetic to friends having a rough time, but I have limited resources to spend on other people and if the support I offer someone never seems to make a difference, I will eventually stop offering it.

Were not talking about someone who’s going through a short rough patch. The question uses the word “always” twice. People that are “always” negative and down on themselves need to figure out how to make themselves likeable if they want to be liked. No special secret to friendship.

And yet you haven't shown a shred of empathy for the person being used as an unpaid therapist in a one-sided friendship. Interesting. It's almost like you think all empathy should only be for the person you clearly identify with, but by "empathy", you mean feel very, very sorry for them and give them a one-sided friendship where they take endlessly and offer nothing.

I don't know why you're being very defensive... We're talking about hypothetical people in hypothetical friendships, and you seem to think that just because someone is very negative, the friendship is onesided. And of course that's no friendship at all... Especially if the "positive" person feels resentful for even trying to support their supposed friend.

I think it's justifiable to not be friends with people who think they're your friends. But I'd prefer people were more honest about it. Maybe i'm too idealist.

I mean, this whole thread is about what to do when a friend is becoming toxic or a negative drain on your life. It is not wrong to end a friendship with someone under those circumstances and everyone is going to have their own threshold as to when that is.

This person is a user, not a friend. And if they do feel worse, well, that's too bad. Why should the other person's feelings be sacrificed when "friend" is the one with the issue? Anyone who thinks another person's feelings should be sacrificed to their issues is not worth anyone's time, sorry.

I cut them out. It seems harsh, but I knew a girl who was like that and she refused help. Or at least refused to listen to it. Me, her other friends, her family, her therapist, etc listened to her problems, tried to support her. Every time I talked to her and asked how she was doing she just responded "like shit as always, hbu?". She was my best friend but I couldn't go to her with my problems because everything ended up being about her. I couldn't deal with it in the end.

If you’re a good enough friend you’ll call them out on it and talk some sense into them like I did last night to my best friend. Enough with the pity party, I’ll tell a friend what they NEED to hear, not what they WANT to hear🤷🏼‍♀️

I was like this when I was 21- pretty darn depressed, more that than anxious (although now that flips around). My best friend tried to be as supportive as she could, but she explained it like this: "You're drowning, and you won't let me help you, so you're making me drown too." She wrote me a long letter explaining why she was pulling away. It hurt for a year, and... it wasn't until I had to do the same thing to someone else, that I understood how much it could hurt to pull away too. It just gets to the point where you are helping and helping and helping, but there are no differences. And you hear the same 'sob' story over and over again. At a certain point, that darkening depression spreads to your life. Either they are willing to sit up and try and make a change, or you walk away. No side of it is easy, and that's what makes it so agonizing. I don't begrudge her it at all, now.

I'm one of those friends. If I notice that I'm being emotionally draining, I'll wait and let them make the move on when we should meet up again. You can be supportive, but you also need to protect your own emotional health and not let someone drag you down.

I never answer unless she’s asking me a direct question. I just say “oh okay” or stuff like that whenever she says how shitty her life is. Funny thing, if any of our other friends start to complain, she’ll jump in explaining how her problems are wayyy worse

Try to be understanding and helpful but after a point where they don’t act on any of your sugarcoated advice or make any effort to improve their situation, snap a little and tell them more harshly (but still in a caring way!!) to get their shit together. Not saying that it works just that that is how I’m doing it lol

Honestly, I am supportive and encouraging for a time. But after a year or two it usually gets way too draining. I myself have a chronic pain illness but am focussed on being a positive and optimistic person. I can't help but feel annoyed and dragged down if people continually complain without doing anything about their problems. After a while if things don't change I usually just fade them out.

I have very little patience for self-pity when it goes on and on, but I do think it’s important to recognize something a person is struggling with. This doesn’t mean sympathizing at all costs, just recognize their feelings! So rather saying „no you’re not!“ or „that’s not true“...I prefer things like „why do you think that is?“ or „why does it bother you“ or „you feel ______. What can you do to change that?“ or „what are you going to do about it?“

For example a new-mom friend gained a lot of weight and instead of not acknowledging it at all I said: „it’s normal for your body to hold on to a bit of weight after a traumatic experience like birth. Be patient with yourself, you‘ll get there. You might not look like pre-baby body but you look incredible. Just do a little bit everyday, it’s hard when you aren’t where you want to be. But you’re so beautiful and your body is healthy. You will get closer to where you want to be when you accept where you are now.“

I find the follow-up comment is supporting their action and reminding them have patience with themselves. „True change doesn’t happen overnight, but making the decision to change is half the battle, you’re doing it!“

If people don’t want advice, or are unwilling to self-reflect...if they only ever want sympathy and comfort and pity then it’s a losing game and consider ending it.

It depends on if it’s a phase or a constant issue. I have had friends that do it for a year constantly and others that have always done it. Heck I’ve been one of those people for about a year and a half now. It also depends on if they are creating the issues themselves or if their life is just stressing them out.

Got a friend like this. Keep offering self-help methods, encourage therapy etc but they say they're not interested and just want to talk to people. They tell me they complain more bc it gets people's attention. Don't know what more to do.

I, personally, ditch them. Simple as that. I have been extremely fed up with a few people complaining for no reason. If there was a legit reason, be my guest, I can genuinely care and provide a lot of support. But it kind of gets old when all you have to say is how ugly you are (especially when in reality you're hot af) and at the same time how you hate every other human being for not being as cool as you.

I, personally, ditch them. Simple as that. I have been extremely fed up with a few people complaining for no reason. If there was a legit reason, be my guest, I can genuinely care and provide a lot of support. But it kind of gets old when all you have to say is how ugly you are and at the same time how you hate every other human being for not being as cool as you.

I've been on both sides but I think the end where I was the negative friend dropped is a good look at both perspectives.

My best friend had been through some stuff and I felt as though I was always supportive and a shoulder when needed, and then it was my turn after a bad relationship and I was feeling very low. One day I called my friend to see if she wanted to hang out because I really needed to get out of the house and basically she laid it on me. Said the hard to hear things about not being able to help me, I wasnt happy and it was hard to be around me and she couldnt do it anymore.

Looking back on that situation, I probably didn't handle it very well at the time, but I think losing that friendship helped me look at myself a little more and realise that yeah, I'm keeping myself in this bad place and I've probably been hard to be around.

I'm still a little bitter because I felt the friendship had been unequal in the way that I gave support for years and as soon as I needed it, she ran and it was incredibly hurtful, and the worst time in my life but also I'm grateful to her as well. I think losing that friendship was the kick I needed.

We never made up, and I doubt we will ever be friends again. I've not seen her since even though we have mutual friends but I'm okay with that.

We stopped being friends over a year ago. I got burnt out on her being so needy and miserable and expecting me to always be there to fix everything. She cited my lack of response to her always going on about her weight or whatever but I just couldn’t do it anymore.

I think for me, and maybe I’m wrong for this, but I tell them to get their shit together.

In my situation this person was a guy. He had made some really bad decisions and ruined a lot of relationships in his life. He also got himself into massive debt.

I tried to talk to him about it and comfort him when he was freaking out. “Oh I’m a terrible person, I’m a piece of shit, my debt this, my debt that, I ruin all of my relationships” blah blah blah

The first few months I was maternal and comforting. But that shit gets old and I realized he didn’t need comfort and a fuzzy blanket, he needed cold ice water splashed in his face.

So I started to tell him “then stop being shitty” and basically told him that everyone makes mistakes at 22, get it together, know the truth of things instead of exaggerating, and get it together. I also told him numerous times throughout to consider a professional psychologist, and I would pay for it.

I think it helped him get into a better more motivated mindset. At the least I noticed the depression decrease a little. He became more focused on getting his goals done and doing what it takes to pay off that debt.

The moral of this I think is that you can be there for your friends but sometimes you need to get to a point where you understand you are not what is best for them. Sometimes cold water, an action plan, and a professional is best. I didn’t leave his side in any of this, more or less I just changed what I was giving him.

I had a friendship like this we had been friends since 1st grade. I had supported her through her parents divorce and when she had medical problems.

In high school she had become increasingly negative. She was struggling with the idea that her parents relationship over and her dad was searching for new women to date. I honestly think her mother poisoned her mind with lies about people, she had always been easily influenced. She also began becoming less close to me. She was always associated with me and was seeking out being her sole person.

But then college came and she just got worse we’d meet up for lunch after months of not seeing eachother and it was always gloom and doom. My car broke down. I crashed my car. I’m failing this class. My dog is sick

And while me and my other friends were always super supportive. When ever we hung out to try and catch up, it was always gloom and doom. I eventually grew apart from her and I don’t hear much from her anymore besides her occasional depressing Instagram posts about how broken her heart is. 🤦🏻‍♀️

I miss what our relationship and the person o use to be incredibly close to daily. We had great times together. And honestly if she got herself some help I would love to rekindle our relationship. But at this point in time my life is already stressful and I don’t need to carry anyone else’s stress.

Eventually? I let them go. The only couple of folks like that I haven't let go are family, so I can't escape them.

My little brother committed suicide a year ago. In the aftermath, I learned who did and did not give a shit about me and how I was doing dealing with both the grief and pregnancy at the same time. I ended up leaving behind a number of friends and quasi-friends who were happy to cut me off when I dared to breathe a word of not being okay, while whining on and on about how they had anxiety and every little thing that had gone wrong lately. I even had a 'friend' cut me off in my writers' group when I was talking about losing my brother for the first time in the month since it happened to talk about how, theoretically, as a writing trope, losing a sibling is hard. And then talking about how she had depression and how her characters had all these mental health problems.

So, frankly, I find people that are always down on themselves and always talking about how terrible things are for them are small-minded, self-centered people, and I'm better off without them. It's one thing if you have a friend who's trying to become a better person; that, I'm willing to stick around for. But people who only see you as a receptacle for their unhappiness are a waste of your time and your life.

If it's a friend I've known for a while who has been dealing with bad stuff recently, I'll try to help them if they want any. However, if someone I haven't known for too long spews their life story at me and how their life is an entire mess, I would try to help, but only for so long. It gets toxic around them quickly, and eventually, I'd have to recommend them to a professional who can help them.

I've dealt with someone who was like the latter type I described, and it was hard to tell her that I didn't want to hang around her anymore. I think it was for the best, seeing how my wonrds couldn't help her much.

Currently going through this with a long time friend of mine. Everything is dark and gloomy in her world. She never attempts to make her situation better. It’s becoming so taxing on me to listen to the same stories over and over again when she isn’t doing anything to help herself. My advice? There isn’t much more to do then to just listen to the same stories and slowly fade out. There’s only so much you can handle before it becomes a stressor for you too.

I make self depreciating jokes all the time. I am not looking for sympathy I'm looking for laughs. There are sometimes I complain about things and I just want people to agree with me.

For people who complain a lot I like to stretch things to the extreme. Them "My boss is such an ass, he did xyz" me "aw man that sucks, you should shit on his desk." It usually lightens the mood and let's people live out little revenge fantasies in their head making them feel better. You can also start joking about dumb things. For serious complainers I give sympathy and actual advice. If they continue to complain without taking any advice I tell them "well, you're screwed. Your life sucks. Nothing to be done. Have a beer."

I was down on myself when I was younger (well...still am sometimes, but better since diagnosed with dysthymia in my 40s), all my life. I avoided people, making friends, figuring that, if they really knew me, they'd hate me as much as I hated myself.

I was a good student, could have been better if I wasn't so hard on myself. Part of that was the dysthymia--ZERO self-confidence, ZERO self-esteem, per the shrink I saw in my 40s. ANY accomplishment was negated; I literally didn't store (or couldn't access) positive feelings of accomplishment, so every challenge was new and difficult, with no self-supporting thoughts/feelings.

Despite this, I held the same job for 16 years, met and married a wonderful man, went back to college to finish my BA and then law school. But everything added up and I couldn't take the stress of practicing; I think too many years of negative, getting too old, and having health issues arise.

The point of all this? There's a very good chance this is physiological! As much as being tall, short, near-sighted, etc etc. It's not the person's "fault"--BUT--it IS their responsibility to determine if it is physiological and try to minimize the consequences.

I tried to think my way out of this, which did help, to a point. But it never attacked the underlying cause (defect in the formation of my brain while in utero) because it couldn't. Antidepressants for 2 years AFTER an understanding of what was going on and working on that (so...thinking, but now with direction) helped. It can't be "fixed" but it can be improved.

Thank you. And you're welcome. I've run across people who, upon talking with them a bit, find them saying "That's ME!"

I was told a key identifying point is "I've/He's/She's ALWAYS been like that!" often points to a underlying physiological cause, or perhaps something that happened quite young. A good psychiatrist should be able to differentiate.

I have a friend like this. She is actually much better now. I think she just needed someone in her corner to tell her to stop feeling sorry for herself and get up and do something about it. granted if not for me renting a room in my house to here, helping her get medicaid, and getting her a job, she probably wouldn't have done anything about it. But I am please at how well she has handled receiving help. She has really done something with is. Even has a savings account, paying rent on time, and taking care of herself. I am a problem solver though. So it makes me happy to help any way I can when I can. Sometimes it gets me in trouble. If there is anything you can do to help your friend then do it. But if she turns out to be one of those people that would rather complain about life then actually take advantage of opportunities.. then just walk way. Misery needs company you know?

I had a friend like that and I tried to be supportive for years. I tried everything: telling her it’s not true, ignoring the negative comments, offering advice, etc. One day, it just got to be too much for me. Every time I’d see her, I’d go home upset because she was constantly complaining about her life. Most of our nights out ended with her crying about being single or not liking her friends or her friends not liking her or all these different things.

I stopped hanging out with her. It was affecting me too much and our friendship wasn’t worth going through that. That is the only friendship I’ve ever consciously ended and my life has only gotten better.

It essentially boiled down to: Don’t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.

I had a friend like that and I tried to be supportive for years. I tried everything: telling her it’s not true, ignoring the negative comments, offering advice, etc. One day, it just got to be to much for me. Every time I’d see her, I’d go home upset because she was constantly complaining about her life. Most of our nights out ended with her crying about being single or not liking her friends or her friends not liking her or all these different things.

I'll usually try to encourage them and make them feel better, but if they're constantly like this and have a negative view eventually I'll give up and just start ignoring the comments. You can't help people who don't want to help themselves.

I’ve had that friend. I’ve also been that friend. I can tell you I don’t really have those people as friends anymore, and the people I leaned on when I was struggling, aren’t really my friends either. Negativity is hard to be around. And it’s okay to be bothered or annoyed by it. Try to be there, and be a good listener if it’s truly something they are struggling with. But if it becomes too much, you can leave. My best friend helped me through a really rough spot. I leaned on him 24/7. After things got better, he ghosted. At the time I thought, “What an asshole.” But now I think, “I get it.”

I stop talking to them tbh. After listening politely for quite awhile (everyone gets to be sad sometimes, it just can't be the "cheer up so-and-so night" every time we go out) and trying to boost their spirits, eventually all you can do is either confront them or stop inviting them out. Confrontation works on some people but not everyone. And life is too short to constantly be your friend's on-call support group.

This will probably get lost amongst other great advice/experiences BUT I will try.

I happened to be the down friend. Us as people take other people’s emotions into responsibility but at the end of the day you can’t change people. It is not anyone else’s problem but there own, BUT that’s where support comes in to give there own input and help them out of a hole, it becomes there choice whether they want to try to get out of that hole or dig deeper.

For a long time I was in that hole and had support and friends, but I choice to stay. Eventually people just give up trying not because they don’t care but they are tired of emotional drain. It’s just the reality of these situations.

I always try to bring them up, try to make them see the path and what is wrong or right and even solving their problems, but sometimes people just dont want to take it, they rather be in that state of mind, which eventually will ruin the friendship.

Usually I just minimize my time listening to negativity. I sometimes zone out. But, one time, I used this tough love approach another gf used on me when I was being stupid and staying with a cheating husband in my 20s.

She said, do something about it, and do it now, and I don't want to hear about it anymore!

Well, guess what? I left him about a year later.

I tried that on my gf recently... Well, guess what? she went back to school, got a new job and left her bf. So, it's tough love, but it works. When someone realizes that no one wants to hear about their sorrows all the time, well then they either have to keep it to themselves or improve their situation. Simple.

As someone who is very patient listening to friends’ complains, I have encountered this. I will first try to learn the root cause of their behaviors. Many times it comes down to lack of love during childhood, or they’re unhappy with the current life but they’re not even aware.
The best I can do as a friend is to point out the root cause, in an non-judgmental way. No matter how much I care about the person, I understand that I cannot fix anyone’s life, they need to fix it themselves. Giving the situation for about year, after gaining awareness, if the person choose to do nothing about the root cause & keeps complaining to Me, I sincerely let them know that I am running about of patience & don’t want to take negative energy from our conversations to my life, but if there’s something I can do rather than listening to complains - pls let me know, I will be the first one to help. Some of them then don’t talk to me often anymore (looking for someone else to vent), some of them disappeared out of offense.
Friendship is hard-work, just like any other valuable long-term relationship in your life. We all have up & down moments in our life, during those shitty periods, complaining is a natural way for us woman to release our pain. We’re here to support each other, not to be a punchbag. To be honest, in my experience, 80% of the time these friends will keep living their life & just find another person the vent. But, that’s their choice, we’re responsible for our choice to stand our ground and protect our mental health. The worst you can do is stay & keep tolerating for the sake of friendships, then judge & gossip behind their backs. Don’t ever let yourself become that type of person.
One silver lining story for this honest approach is that, I have a few friends who came back years later with a changed heart & attitudes. Now as their life is in a happier state, they understand & appreciate my old messages, they want to have a positive friend in their life. One even apologized for being offended and pushed me away, she din’t want to admit that she was in an unhappy marriage. For those who comes back, welcome them with an open heart, your friendship now is stronger than ever.

As a Debbie-downer myself, sometimes all I need to hear is be positive and get a hug. Sometimes being the good friend and telling your friend, they are a miserable wreck and to knock it off. it's not always pretty but sometimes people need to hear it. One way I've used is the 2 (whatever time) minute trick, your friend can be negative for two minutes (there might be a leg't reason) and then beyond that call her on it and you won't tolerate it.

I ask, “What are you doing to take care of this?” If they need a plan, I try to help formulate it. If they start whining about how they can’t do anything. I explain that my personal philosophy is to stay positive, and that I do not deal well with negativity, and to talk to me when they are in a better mood.

The first thing i would do is to listen. My action depends on my assessment of what really happen. Because sometimes being meddlesome might not be the best solution. Maybe she or just need someone to lean on. But if i can do something to make them feel better i wud do it.

There's a Sales Manager like this in my Dept - luckily I've worked there under a year and I'm actually giving my notice tomorrow. She's a very nice women and I try to chat about light topics and make her laugh but it always circles back to her overanalyzing and see negativity in all. She's really her own worst enemy. There's another manager who ended her relationship with her a month ago cause the instigator was causing the other manager to act like her. The other manager told me not to coddle her. It's been difficult for me cause I'm in the middle of this drama. I'm glad I not have 2 weeks left and do wish her well.

I limited the time i spent with them and how often i speak to them through text/social media.
If i have to keep on telling someone the same thing over and over that tells me i cant do anything for em - Im willing to listen if they really have a problem but otherwise I just try and take a step back from them.
As bad as that probably sounds - I just end up getting frustrated for them.

I was honest with her about it. Told her that I was worried about her mental state and scared we were going to lose her if things continued how they did. I eventually took her to a GP appointment for a referral to a psychologist.

I am that girl. Part of it is that I was brought up that saying anything positive about yourself was seen as boasting and you were slammed immediately by my mother. Like "who do you think you are?" attacking.

I'm also super superstitious that if things are going well, if I talk about it, the universe will end that shit for me. See crazy mother.

Anyway, my point is, there may be other shit going on. You can say something like.. you know, you seem super down on yourself. Is it just not helpful to talk about good things?

It's taken me a long time to break that habit, and I do force myself to say positive things. But it's hard. I'm good about saying good things about others!

I just tell them "im sorry youre going through that. is there something we can do together ight now to help?" or i tell the that i often struggle with being down on myself. but therapy has helped me a lot. i try to be as empathic as possible, and support them the way they need at that time, if it gets yo be too much, never be afraid to say "i understand that you are hurting right now, i am here to support you, AND i dont have the energy to be your therpist. can we talk about something positive for a bit?"

I’m a chronic complainer and what really makes me be careful about it or doing it less is when people say things like « i hear you but I don’t know what I can do about it » or « aww poor you » in a sarcastic way.

I mean obviously it doesn’t work if the person in front of you is talking about real heavy stuff, but if they’re just complaining about stupid stuff (like I do) then this will make them question it and hopefully do it less haha.

It is kind of upsetting at first but it’s better than validating it by feeling sorry for the other person which is what they want but not really helpful because it just encourages them to complain more...

I try to help them see positive aspects and problem solve and be supportive, but if they refuse the help themselves or all they do is complain/be negative, I distance myself and eventually cut ties. I can't have all that negative in my life.

Step 1) ask if she just needs someone to listen or if she wants help figuring things out.

THEN

Step 2) if she just wants you to listen, do that and tell her it sounds frustrating/hard.

OR

Step 2) if she wants your help solving, ask her how you can best support her. Don’t own her problems. Let her take the lead. If she doesn’t know what to do, tell her that you’d be happy to talk later after she’s had a chance to think through. If you find yourself saying “you need to” or “you should” a lot, those are times when you are likely telling her what to do vs. helping her take ownership of her challenges.

ALSO

Balance your time together between talking and doing something. Dinner, drinks coffee are good but also find fun things to do together: sports, take a class, a museum exhibit, a play, etc.

This has been a huge wake up call for me. I try hard to be a positive and caring friend, but sometimes how I’m really feeling slips through. When I’m caught up in this spiral of negativity where I can’t seem to untangle myself from all of my sadness and insecurities, I tend to want to reach out and vent to someone. I realise now that I’ve probably been a bit much sometimes for friends. I’ve been in a bad place for the last few months and I’ve noticed people slowly distancing themselves, and didn’t realise why until now.

How do I not be one of these friends? Where’s the line between telling someone if you’re not doing well and becoming soul sucking for the other person?

I was this friend for a couple years. Super depressed, working, going to school, trying to finish a thesis I hated.

It was not nice to be around, and it was better when we did activities instead of “catch ups”. But mostly I needed to get out of that situation before I could be a decent friend, and it was up to me to rebuild the friends who stopped being interested in seeing me.

I try to encourage if it’s not true or if it’s something that can be helped, but if it gets too much of a pity party for attention it’s important to make sure they actually have a realistic grip on reality because the world doesn’t revolve around them and other people also go through hardship

My sister is like this. She thrives on complaining about anything and everything. I don't tolerate it so she goes to my mother with her nonsense. It's really not healthy.

If you are with someone like this, change the subject. The best you can do is teach them that you will not participate in those kind of topics. You're not their therapist so don't try to take on that role.

My childhood best friend and I both suffer from a lot of the same mental illnesses and we both tend to be pretty self deprecating and sometimes negative. We’ve gotten pretty good at talking to each other, and coincidentally ourselves, because we’re both “in the trenches” together.

We say things like, “Don’t talk about my best friend like that!” Or gently remind each other that, “You wouldn’t talk to me that way,” or “You don’t look at me and think that way,” and always followed with, “So why do that to yourself?”

It’s always good to remind each other to be kind, even and especially to yourself!

I am dealing with this issue right now. My friend never finds something positive and she’s constantly blaming others and constantly putting herself down. She’s not taking action to care for herself and she just keeps doing things that make her situation worse and she constantly asks me for advice and help, but never really takes it. She says she’s depressed, but that she likes being broken and just doesn’t care anymore and doesn’t want to go to therapy. It’s just constant complaining and negativity, it has really drained me and I’m tired of being the “therapist” to her problems, but her never taking my advice. I understand that you should be there for someone, but when people refuse help and only want to unload their problems onto you, it’s just crossing lines at this point and you cannot be responsible for someone else’s happiness.

I’ve been the negative one who complained about everything. My friends handled it for a bit then just stopped. They told me they cannot be my therapist. It was a rude awakening but they had a point. It was ruining our friendship. I don’t see these friends as often, but we get along better.

Honestly, I keep him at arms reach. He’s pretty much noticed that he’s not gonna get much out of me anymore. He still vents at me occasionally but I won’t give him any pity party bullshit. I’ll give him my view on whatever situation/slight he’s imagined in his head and try to change the subject. It’s unfortunate that he’s like this because on times he can be great company. But for the longest time he was absolutely exhausting and soul draining. He says he’s had therapy and wants to change but honestly I’ve never known a man be so happy in their own misery.

A lot of people gave really great answers. Context does matter, but there are times where I'm rather straightforward with them. I try to provide realistic solutions and a different perspective. Sometimes, being too nice just does damage to people. Other times, it's really all they need. The important thing is to determine the difference between those two.

But I had a friend like this and I decided to tell her how it made me feel. I said “When you do XYZ it makes me feel really awful and drains my emotional resources; I leave feeling worse. Is this something you feel we can work on changing?”

She told me I was a bad person for judging her because “you don’t understand how terrible my life is!!”

I decided the friendship wasn’t worth it and I’ve been much better off!!

I realized I did this to some extent. In my family (that is full of several generations of women being abused and have complex trauma) we often connected by sharing our commiseration. Soo often that is how I would try and connect with others. I'm not an overly negative person or anything but it was one of the main ways I learned to form social bonds. I don't recall how I realized this wasn't a very healthy strategy.. probably a combo between my own self trauma work and noticing a beloved friend fading during a time of depression. It's something I work on but it is challenging because I don't feel I have a good replacement strategy yet so I often feel awkward. Buuut that's a good sign because change is uncomfortable for the brain that likes to keep you in familiar "safe" patterns that may have served you in the past in some way.

But in answering the question I'm a pretty honest person and won't bullshit others (in a kind way). So when I notice a consistency I will bring attention to the persons patterns and I guess take almost a motivational interviewing approach to invite the person to take a look at their active roles and hopefully open up a dialogue for reflection and change.

I don't meet/interact with many people that are heavily doing this though; and I would have those that often do ask themselves to reflect on what part of themselves is attracting this type of person into their lives.

Encourage them to get help, gently set boundaries with (myself and) them about how much I can hear and plan activities that aren’t a lot of sitting around talking. Instead of lunch, we go shopping. Instead of relaxing on the beach, we see a movie (etc.).

Can’t stand it. It’s typically that they create the majority of these problems for themselves and when they get stung back, they feel the need to regroup & talk to someone about it. They’ll create their little friendship pity-party riot... with people who are nearly always completely uninvolved in knowing what the issues really are all about... they create more issues through their pity-party & act as if they are ready for the finalé.

People who are always “down on themselves” open up conversations about this constantly as a way to gain attention for whatever they need or want in life.

Also: because I am a pretty Good Samaritan, I try to offer good solutions to these people and admittedly they will approach these solutions in a half-hazard way and give up.

So, my solution? If they give up on a solution to their problems, and are always talking about their problems... they are a problem. And so, I solve this problem by ignoring them.

I try to help others when I can, so I would try to influence them to gain a healthier perspective on life and count their blessings. Sometimes it's worked, and sometimes it hasn't. Spoiled, selfish, negative people can drag you down. If they're too much of an emotional vampire, I will end up cutting them loose.

My mum has low self esteem and does this, one Christmas I gave her a notebook with quotes from all the people who love her (well, as many of them as I could) about how amazing she is. Now when she says something negative about herself I send her to read her book

I'm really happy to get to read all these responses. I have a close friend who is the epitome of this behaviour. Every time she tells me a story about how the world is against her I always end up thinking the entire problem was her fault! Even though shes the one telling me from her perspective. Its maddening and shes a literal hurricane of a person. Shes genuinely a Sweetheart and does try so it make it difficult to terminate the friendship.

Hoh boy. This is most of my friends. They won't listen if you try to look at the bright side or offer to help. All you can do is try not to feed into their self-pity. Instead of "oh you poor thing, it's so terrible." I do more "Shit, man. That sucks." And I try to change the topic to things they love or that we both care about. It's harder if they legitimately are in a bad situation. But it's not really about the situation. You don't have to earn the right complain by being bed enough and people in bad situations can have good attitudes. Remember, they got trained to do this whole woe-is-me act by people who were nice enough to listen but didn't care enough to help. So do the opposite of that. Don't let hem feel alone. But also care about your own needs and try to have healthy reciprocity in the relationship.

This comment or post has been removed for seeking advice about a specific person or personal situation. Askwomen is about receiving answers from the community about their own opinions and experiences rather than seeking input on specific personal situations.

how u come out of their situation because I am not you and I am probably emotionally weaker than u so stop telling how great u r and how great u r to have to come out of ur problem

And also please don’t make what I am going through seem weaker with respect to what u went through I know u were hurt but I am still stuck and I am trying to get out

And lastly don’t discuss it with ur friends and family because I rarely share my feelings and u r just using me because u wanted to fill the awkward silence especially while giving the excuse “ it’s good that someone is talking about u “

Tell them to analyse the problem and learn for the incident and find a solution .It may take time and don’t give up hope and push forward .

I was that friend that was 100% negative. My ex-best friend cut me out of her life when I was suicidal. I don't blame her, I knew how hard it was for her.
I suffer from depression, bi polar, anxiety, and PTSD.
She left me about 2 years ago and I was left alone basically.
I was that friend.
I lost my job, fell behind on bills, got a DWI for a suicide attempt, got suspended from my job and dropped out of college. that was a few months ago..
My life was shit because I wasn't doing anything to make it better, and I was off my meds nor was I seeking help.
I made a new friend, but he was my enabler. I complained about how my life was. He was also like me. . Negative. He's depressed because he has cancer. He can't pay his chemotherapy, so he drinks and spends money he doesn't have. Or he has me pay for his drinks. He also complained about his business not bringing any income, but he wouldn't do anything about it when he has money to invest in it.

I'm getting off topic kind of, but after my last suicide attempt I had to stay in a crisis center. I had to work through a lot of shit. I was torturing myself by being negative, especially blaming myself for things that happened to me like my sexual assault. I took my meds for a few months but then I stopped because my friend wanted to keep drinking and going out.
He told me I didn't need that. Our friendship is becoming toxic, but I was afraid of being alone or abandoned . We fight all the time as if we're a couple, and he purposely triggers my anxiety.

Today, I'm back on my meds. It's been about 3 weeks since I saw a psychiatrist. She prescribed me expensive meds.
Today, I finally caught up to all my bills.
Today , I still have a job.
My job gave me a second chance.
I stopped drinking so much and I am recognizing my patterns. When my friend purposely says shit to piss me off, I tell him, "I don't want to argue"
And stop talking to him for a few hours. We use to hang out Everytime I'm off and now I need space to be away from the negative bubble. Now I see how draining it can be to have a friend who's so negative and won't do anything about it.
I'm a work in progress. So trust us negative people, some of us are working on ourselves.

TL;DR I was that negative friend, but I finally sought help to do something about my toxic behavior.