If politicians were students and 2014 elections were held in a school

What if India was a school and our current crops of politicians were popular students, and rest of us being “normal” students? How would these politicians have campaigned? Faking News brings to you their campaign pitches:

Narendra Modi: Here is my mid-term exam report card. I have scored 97 out of 100 marks. Give me a chance to write the final exam and I will score better than this. You might ask me how I scored so much. It is because I drink Gujarat ka doodh, which fills my 56-inch chest with energy and nationalism. Even if a puppy stands under me, I do not realize it because of my huge chest blocking my view.

Youth factor, now going back to school.

Rahul Gandhi: So what if I have got only 5 out of 100 marks? These are empowered scores. But I don’t understand why I got so less marks. On the day of the exam, I woke up in the morning, at night (check this video). And I revised all chapters thoroughly before going to the exam in the morning, at night.

I had written about women and empowerment for more than 10 pages. I had written about 2002 riots with sketches for more than 5 pages. You file an RTI and find out my answers. Something is wrong in this examination system. These report cards are nonsense and must be torn and thrown away.

Prashant Bhushan: I had actually written correct answers to all the questions, and my 25 sheet answer booklet was filled within 2 hours. But due to a referendum, I had to tear 24 sheets out of my booklet and give it to my neighbor. So I ended up getting only 4 out of 100 marks. But this is my personal performance. My friend needs your support. Here comes my friend.

Arvind Kejriwal: I scored just 5 out of 100 because Congress and BJP supporting goons did not allow me to write for more than 10 minutes. They were standing outside the exam hall at a window and making funny faces at me, due to which I returned my answer sheet and I went out of the hall. Let us talk about the crucial issues now. Why did Modi lose 3 marks?

He must have generously donated 1 mark to Reliance, 1 mark to Adani, and 1 mark to Tata. The 97 marks which Modi has got are communal and corrupt. I will apply for revaluation and photocopy of Modi’s answer booklet and prove to you that even the evaluator was corrupt in awarding marks to Modi. I will sit on a dharna on this issue now!

Nitish Kumar: I scored 33 out of 100 marks, but this is a huge achievement because Lalu had scored a big zero in the same exam. Also, please remember that I could score only because I had put tilak on my forehead and was wearing a topi. Today there are people who want to destroy this culture and I will not let it happen. I even kicked out my roomie when he refused to put tilak and topi. My history is also good, which helped me as Class Monitor. Now I want to become the Head Boy.

Lalu Yadav: all this exam wexam is for budbak people. Communal forces are writing obscene things on the blackboard and in the bathroom. Let us drive them out.

Mulayam Singh Yadav: I was given 10 marks in the exam, which caused me to give three ghunsa (blows) to the evaluator. तुअत्त लाइन पे आ गया.

Mayawati: I scored a zero in the board exam, but it was not CBSE board, but CBI board, and that zero means clean chit. Now I’m ready to take the main exam and I will top the exam, if there are no manuwadis checking the paper.

Jayalalithaa: I’ve scored 101 out of 100 marks in all subjects, where papers where checked by my followers. People now want to sit next to me on my bench so that they want to get that extra one mark. Prakash Karat even sat with me for a few minutes before I told him to get lost.

Mamata Banerjee: My report card and marks sheet were stolen by Maoists, but Anna has given me 100 out of 100 in all subjects. I don’t want to become Head Boy, but I will not allow any bad boy in school. Jai Hind.