1% Travel Guide: Houston

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The world's most luxurious travel bible heads to the erotic suites of Texas' sexiest new urban resort.

Welcome to the 1% Travel Guide, your bible of the most tricked-out, exclusive destinations that money can buy.

It’s late August, and the hot sun off the coast of Maine has been tapering away as if a thermostat has been adjusted after too many gorgeous days. You know the time for summer pleasures has come to a close with the return of the yellow school buses that have emerged from the depths of their maintenance garages.

ZaZa Houston Lobby

As you get further annoyed by the squalling of back-to-school shoppers and those shopkeepers advertising fall — if not winter — wear, you realize that it really is time to hitch a ride out of town and make for the oil-fueled festivities that only occur in Syrup City. Your millions — made from harvesting the world’s only colony of golden lobsters — have deepened your pockets over the last decade, but sadly the love of your life turned out to be allergic to shellfish. It just so happens that those folks on the Gulf Coast are happy to deal in riches and gumbo, which makes it the perfect place to relax, unwind and maybe ride a thing or two.

The Monarch Terrace

Upon arrival in the glaring heat of Texas, you ask the driver to drive you to the Hotel ZaZa Houston, a so-called urban resort that your assistant has booked you into. While you had originally planned to head for the coast in Galveston, she assured you that after months of dealing with fishermen, the last place you would want to venture would be near a bunch of guys that remind you of your hygiene-optional crew. You pull up to the ZaZa and notice that the exterior architecture seems fairly standard for a small Hilton or, more worrisome, a Comfort Inn.

Black Label Suite

Treading lightly, you step inside, where immediately you’re blown away by the eccentric accents of zebra stripe, Jurassic-sized ferns and multi-tiered crystal chandeliers. The cute redhead behind the front desk beckons you over with a big smile and a Southern welcome. The agenda is simple, she explains; your assistant mentioned you needed a change of scenery and their facility is more than equipped to provide the thrill you’re seeking. While they won’t release any wild animals into your quarters unless specifically asked, she hints that their female guests might just fit the bill. Slightly confused, you’re about to ask what she means by “agenda” when she exclaims, “First night — the Fatal Charms Suite!” (Top image.) This is going to be one interesting week.

Dragonfly Restaurant (Dallas)

Inside the dark luxury suite, bronze velvet drapes and candelabras fill the room — though they remind you of a tantric Dracula’s lair, there’s something pretty erotic about a velvet headboard overshadowing black and gold silk covers. You’re going to have to make it to the poolside cocktail hour if you hope to get some use out of that massive bed. Then again, you’ll spend each night of your stay in one of the ZaZa’s sexy themed suites, from just under a thousand per night to almost $2K in others; you’ll find a taste for every girl you feel like reeling in this week.

Tycoon Suite

Throughout the week, you explore Houston’s top-notch nightlife, the weekend pool parties at the resort’s Urban Oasis and the extensive menu at the Monarch culinary terrace. As your count of Texan beauties grows, so does your taste for the adventurous lifestyle that your ever-changing bedside ambience provides. The 2000 square-foot Tycoon Suite offers up a frisky leather bed anchored with a gigantic iron chandelier. The upscale It Happened One Night Suite pushes the lifestyle boundaries with wood floors, Persian rugs and international opulence, while the swanky Rock Star hangout’s mirrored walls, fireplace and classic prints will have you performing your own encore with the leggy blonde you met in the elevator. Good thing you’ll have switched to the glamorized Texan Outlaw Suite before her boyfriend finds the rug burn.

Rock Star Suite

At the conclusion of your stay you feel like you’ve travelled to the edge of the world and back in a handful of days. Although it’s back to the crustaceans for the moment, you’ve been advised that the chain has a second location in Dallas — with a set of Magnificent Seven Suites for you to test drive. Until then, this was just another entry from the 1% Percent Travel Guide.