Friday, November 25, 2011

Fractured Friday: Unfaithful

Story of my life, searching for the right, but it keeps avoiding me. Sorrow in my soul, cause it seems that wrong really loves my company. He's more than a man, and this is more than love; the reason that the sky is blue. The clouds are rolling in because I'm gone again. And to him I just can't be true. And I know that he knows...I'm unfaithful...And it kills him inside ~ Rhianna, Unfaithful

After many years behind the fortress walls, I grow cold deep down inside. I've lost all reason for love. I've lost the meaning of the word, only to have it replaced by artificial gratification to pacify a needful soul. A gaping emptiness exists where love was once housed in my heart of hearts; if ever I really knew what love was. I can no longer remember.

Even after it has been offered, I cannot seem to accept it. I do not know what it is that comes after.

I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to be the reason why, everytime I walk out the door, I see him die a little more inside. I don't want to hurt him anymore. I don't want to take away his life. I don't wanna be...a murderer.

Creeping around the fortress, night after night, with visions of the possibilities haunting my every moment. The tugging at my heart won't let go...it won't release me to endure the fate that surely lies ahead. I know what comes after the artificial gratifications of the world in which I live. I know and understand the contract well. Although the thought frightens me to the very core of my soul, at least I know when they come for me, I will reap what I have sown, and somehow have always known; I am destined for hell.

And yet, there he stands, unwilling to move, unwilling to let me go. Why can't he see I do not understand this love he offers? I do not know what it is, from whence it came, nor where it will take me. The fear of being loved is almost greater than the fear of losing my soul. I understand the ends to one and not the beginnings of the other. Surely, all the dark and insidious guilts that create the cavernous holes in my being, slowly eating me away, cannot be erased; cannot be healed. What are the possibilities? What does it mean?

And yet, I don't want to hurt him anymore. I don't want to take away his life. I don't want to be...a murderer.

Lyrics: Unfaithful ~ Rhianna

I've added 'Fractured Friday' to the Butterfly Phoenix Blog for the purpose of collecting my thoughts. I am working on a new project that my muse has decided to force upon me, so bear with me and my fractured thoughts. This summary is a chapter from earlier in the manuscript.