We All Have
Our Cross To Bear…

None
more so than young Cerberus. Married to Billy, she not only has a
cross to bear but also an albatross round her neck, a monkey on her
back, two red setters to look after and Shitfor as a friend. Clearly
not an ideal load when trying to Hash, or indeed, live your life.
However, during the Down Downs, Billy was awarded his own cross to
bear by our revered and plumptious RA, Simple, who gave him the
scaled down, but still sturdy wooden structure to carry during next
week’s trail because he wilfully neglected the BH3
umbrella (after four weeks of ownership – he kept forgetting to
bring it to pass on) and subjected it to inhuman cruelty (the inhuman
part being himself) by flinging it into the forest on the way round.
You may wonder why Simple just happened to have a cross about him.
It’s a complicated story but bear with it and I’ll get
you there as quickly as I can. Shitshoveller, for reasons best known
to himself, has now run 2000 Hashes. 210, I believe, as a Hare.
Rather like our centurion Hashers a couple of weeks ago this
indicates either a dedication and loyalty that should be upstandingly
applauded, or an obsession edging towards the ragged fringes of
insanity. Again, I shall let you decide for yourselves. In his
eagerness to educate the RA of this fascinating fact a little while
ago, Shitshoveller drew poor Simple into a dark corner by grasping
his elbow, beckoning a crook’d finger and, glancing furtively
from side to side, before whispering in a grating voice, “Come
Simple. I shall tell you a secret.” Not since he’d read
about Mad Eye Moody in Harry Potter and The Prisoner of Azkhaban had
Simple’s heart beat so fast. “Much more of this,”
he thought, “and I’ll be renamed Dumper Too.”
Shitshoveller grasped the neck of his T-shirt, his breathing laboured
and wheezing; a twitch beginning to pull the corner of his mouth. Not
since Billy Bones had been handed The Black Spot in the Admiral
Benbow by Blind Pew had Simple’s hea…I’m overdoing
it a tad, aren’t I? Ok. So anyway ‘The Shoveller’
leaned towards Simple’s ear, the heat of his breath melting the
wax, and half-grunted, half-whispered, “Another seven Hashes
and I’ll have done as many as the number of years since…”
He half-turned, checking for any who might overhear. Then turned
back. “Since Jesus was born.” With a terrible look from
his staring eyes he wiped his foam-flecked mouth on the sleeve of his
brocaded greatcoat (hang on, that bloody pirate analogy has popped up
again!) and staggered away to be swallowed by the crowd. How could
Simple resist the opportunity. So it was that Shitshoveller was
presented with a crown of thorns (well, bracken n’stuff) to
wear and a carpentastically well-crafted cross when it was his turn
for a Down Down. Which was later given to Billy for being a prat.

Which
brings us rather neatly to this week’s description of the Hash.
Almost, but not quite, spoiled for me by Sam who, when I pointed out
Motormouth to her as my son across the milling throng completely
failed the progeny recognition test by identifying, gulp,
BlouseBlazer as the product of my loins. If that doesn’t
warrant some kind of name for her I’ll be very surprised. If
not marginally disappointed.

But, look,
I haven’t even mentioned the trail yet. You really shouldn’t
let me wander off like that. But then, plenty of people wandered off
the trail. With Bars and back Checks a-plenty the FRBs and Pack
generally were pretty confused. Very often the Pack met the FRBs
running back towards them, usually up a rather steep, baked earth
track in a forest. This was great for newbies like Bernie and Vanessa
who were a little surprised by the sheer speed at which we hurtled
through the forest. In fact, we were a little surprised too. When we
finally fetched up at the Regroup everyone was soaked in sweat and
steaming gently. On the way there we had enjoyed listening to the
advice of AintGotOne to Stripper on the efficacy of dock leaves for
treating nettle rash and enjoyed the sight of the BH3
Scribe tumbling to earth at Spot’s feet after failing to
negotiate the outstretched root of a tittering hawthorn hedge. We
delighted in listening to not one, but two, mobile phone
conversations by Lonely and revelled in following
Vlad and Mr Blobby through a lovely oats (apparently) and poppy
field. Which was before the unfortunate Blobster knackered his calf
muscle. We wish you all the best with that, Colin. Grommet and I
laughed ourselves silly listening to Wally behind us wittering on
about that well-known Hash RD2D. And what’s up with Iceman?
Donut reported that he had appeared next to her, spotted a flour
blob, then, like a nightingale in Berkeley Square, sang out gently
“On On” rather than employing his usual
epiglottis-wiggling, 400-decibel Highland yodel that can strip the
hairs off an unsuspecting stoat at fifty metres. There is a small
classroom, if not an entire school, of thought that Vlad and Drac got
in the way of one of these some time ago.

Not only
was it Shitshoveller’s 2000th Hash but it was also
his birthday this week. Consequently, the generous fool had arranged
with the pub to buy everyone’s first drink and to lay on so
many sausages and chips that even Baldrick was sated and laying under
a bush gently burping, with his belly protruding, before the
never-ending stream of bow-legged flunkeys bearing enormous traysful
had finished unloading their pig and potato cargo. Unfortunate for
him, then, that the balmy night brought out almost 80 Hashers,
including a good contingent from Oxford. But even if he ended the
night with a limp credit card he and Penelope got a stiff round of
applause and an unheard-of general response from BH3 to
the question posited by our RA, “What did you think of the
trail?” “BRILLIANT!” Chorused the Hash. It
was. Well done Hares and thankyou very much.

On On. Hashgate.

Down Downs

RA Simple presented the
following :-

Name

Reason

Style
points

ShitShoveller

Comparing
his number of runs to the years since our Lord was born…
minus 7 (see above)

Not
bad at all for a bloke wearing a leaf hat and leaning on a cross.
“Nail ‘im to it!” Cried the crowd.

PoisonIvy,
Psychological

Returnees

Bernie,
Rebecca

Tonight’s
virgins

Damn fine toking by the girls

Simple

100
runs awarded by C5

Well
done Simple!

Hashgate

Falling.
Once in the wood and once – well I guess you know about that
by now…

Brilliant!
Almost, but not quite, up for a pint

Lonely

Two
halves for two phone calls on the Hash

Answered
the call on both occasions

Billy
Bullshit

Tossing…
away the Hash brolly

Got
a bit cross with the pint

Ladybird

Paying
sheep to lie upside down for Simple

A
fine, Oxford Down

Penny
PitstopShitshoveller

Tonight’s
Hares

Well
done. And well deserved.

Up and
Coming

Run

Date

Grid
Reference

Venue

Hares

1544

25/06/07

679795

The
Fox, Cane End RG4 9HE

Erm…
tba

1545

02/07/07

497682

The
Taste of EnglandThatcham RG18 3AP

Potty,
SimpleSnowballs

Summer
Party

Possibly the best party
ever organised. Can you afford to miss being part of it?Saturday
11th August at Finchampstead Village Hall. Touch base with
Motox (ooer) for more details.