Family time: What to do if you don’t like your kids’ friends

What a Loser!

Jen Moore doesn’t like her 7-year-old daughter’s friend, who is bossy. Felicia Archer doesn’t like her 14-year-old son’s friend, who curses and constantly attempts to goad her son into looking at inappropriate videos online. Liz Green hates her daughter’s boyfriend for a number of reasons. (Names have been changed to protect, well, everyone.)

Nor are these women unusual. At one point, most parents have an issue with a friend of their child. The question is what — if anything — to do about it.

If your dislike is just a gut feeling, you may have to patiently let things play out. If said friend is endangering your child physically or mentally, you obviously need to intervene. It’s the in-between where things get murky — and especially tricky, as your children age and rejecting your thoughts on who should be their friend is part of how they develop.

Overall, handling questionable friendships is easier the younger the child, experts say. “When parents have concern about younger kids, they’re in a position to engineer things better,” says Dr. William F. Long, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist in a private practice. “They do drop-offs and pick-ups, they go where their kids go, so they can engineer play dates and activities. It’s usually not as complicated at this age.”

Since young children learn a lot by watching and mimicking, this is also a good time to teach your child how to be a good friend and what to look for in a good friend. “You start with yourself,” says Suzanne Franck, case manager at CAPTAIN Youth Shelter in Malta. “You invite friends over and let your child see your choice of words, how you treat your friends, how happy you are when you’re with your friends. They’ll pick up on it.”

Explain to your child what to do when confronted by a “bad” friend. “We don’t play that way,” and, “In our family, we share/respect each other/don’t boss anyone around,” are some suggested phrases.

The key, Franck stresses, is not to seem judgmental. “Teach positive characteristics,” she says. “Try to redirect them to someone who exhibits more positive types of behaviors.”

As children progress from the sandbox to the playground to middle and high schools, their dealings with their friends change, too. Late adolescents and teenagers are learning to be individuals, make their own choices, and “growing their own identities,” Long says. “They create a peer group – a peer family – that the parents don’t belong to. That leaves parents feeling a bit powerless, and kids feeling protective about the group.”

As a parent, you need to recognize their individuality. Your child may need to try something himself and learn from it. You don’t want to cause the Romeo and Juliet effect, i.e. forbidding your child to see his friend, which serves only to make the friend seem more attractive.

Instead, communicate. Ask your child what he likes about this friend. This can provide insight into your child and the friend — or it may help your child realize this person actually doesn’t have many good qualities.

“Take the time to get to know those friends and don’t make the judgment based on what you hear from other people,” Franck says. “Invite these friends into your home. Make a judgment on what you see, not what you hear.”

When you do need to intervene (see sidebar), be careful what you say and how you phrase it. Remember that insulting your child’s friends feels like an insult to your child. “You may say, ‘Based on my life experience, this is my feeling,’” Franck says.

Tell your child that she needs to listen to your perspective, and then work together to determine a compromise. Of course, if the situation is severe and potentially dangerous, you need to set firm rules, with limits and consequences. Speak with your child calmly and honestly, and be specific. Refrain, as hard as that may be, from calling the friend a loser. Rather than saying you don’t like the friend, reiterate that you love your child and because of your concerns of X, Y and Z, you’re going to keep closer tabs on her activities with this friend.

“Give them enough rope to explore the harbor,” says Long, “but not enough to crash into shore. Sometimes the rope is very short, like when the issue is drinking and driving.” You need to discuss some options with your child and give her choices.

And don’t be surprised if your child’s reaction is relief that you’ve pointed out his friend’s behavior. “Kids are great about evoking parents when they’re concerned,” says Long. They’re kind of hoping you can act as the bad guy, giving them an out to an uncomfortable situation.

When intervening is a necessity

Sometimes the reasons a parent doesn’t like a child’s friend are — while annoying or grating — fairly minor in the overall scheme of things. They don’t follow the same social norms of your family, for instance.

If something doesn’t feel right in your gut, pay attention to it without intervening; let things play out on their own for a while. However, if your child’s health, safety or well-being is in danger, you must intervene. These situations include, according to Dr. William F. Long, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist:

When your child is being physically hurt by a friend or boy/girlfriend.

When your child’s friend is pushing your child to do drugs or alcohol, or your child’s friend is on drugs or alcohol.

When your child is being bullied, or otherwise cannot handle the situation by him/herself.

When you have knowledge about the friend’s family that should be considered (perhaps the parents have each had their licenses revoked for DUI, or there’s a history of domestic abuse).

When you notice a difference in your child’s behavior, such as if your child starts lying, acting defiant, using bad language, dressing differently, or if his grades start slipping in school.