Failure

13Jul

I’ve been having some shoulder pain again. This is part of what started me back to physical therapy in February…that and the need to get my muscles reconditioned from the Prilosec-fever. I pretty much worked on my shoulder(s) in PT for about six weeks, then moved into working on my back when I threw it out. Then I stopped going because our insurance changed and my physical therapist went on vacation and Butthead came into our lives.

My shoulder was feeling better until the last two weeks or so. Now I’m in pain again. This is part of my myofascial pain syndrome, and it’s chronic, recurring, and on-going. No other way to say it, the pain always comes back eventually, no matter what I’ve done to help it.

On one hand, logically, I know it. I know the pain may get better and may go into “remission,” but it is always going to recurr or “flare” up. On the other hand, at the thought of having to go back to the physical therapist and tell her that my shoulder pain is back, it feels like a failure. Talking to T I understand that it is the therapy that failed me and not me that failed at the therapy, and the truth is pretty much everything is bound to fail. The chronic pain is just that, chronic. They don’t call it Chronic myofascial pain for nothing.

Even so, the idea that I have to call and go back to the therapist is depressing for me. I’ve avoided calling the office, feeling resentful that I’m going to have to devote two days a week to the therapy, every week, potentially for an indefinite amount of time. It sucks. It sucks to lose that time, it sucks to not see a resolution to this stupid shoulder pain, it sucks to not be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel (i.e. recovery).

It also sucks to be in pain, and the truth is that during and after being in PT for my shoulder, I haven’t had to sit with my heating pad like the months before. So I know it’s the right direction. But man, it’s sucky.