A Glimpse Into Madness

I am prone to headaches, and occasionally I will suffer a migraine. These can come in varying degrees. Yesterday's was more of a dark room and pain pill kind of migraine, but I have had ones that gave me a small glimpse into madness.

If you've never experienced a migraine it can be hard to comprehend the level of pain they can inflict. It is unlike any other bodily pain. I can say with all honesty that I would rather give birth than have a migraine. There is something about pain in your head that makes you think you are going to die. It usually starts at the back of my head and slowly makes its way to my temples, behind my eyes, and then the entirety of the inside of my skull. My brain feels swollen and the pressure is unbearable.

When I say I have had a glimpse into madness, I refer to the few times I have been in such pain that I have begged my husband to make it stop—once asking for him to drill a hole in my head to relieve the pressure. I was very serious at the time. This internal pain is such that it cannot be relieved with a little hot or cold therapy, an aromatherapy lotion or a bath. It takes some serious medication, a lot of darkness and complete silence to help me out of one. It is usually accompanied by nausea and weakness. I feel like I have lost my mind. I try so hard to get outside myself, to distance myself from the pain, but it only makes it worse because then I can't stop thinking about it.

Today, as I was living in the shadow of my migraine (a small throb that stays with me for 24-hours after the worst it done), I thought about how it must be to live with a mental illness like bipolar disorder. To not have control to turn your brain off must be torture, especially when you live with it every day. I hate migraines, and I wish I never had them, but I am grateful they are few and far between and temporary.