(19-05-2012 09:48 AM)Anjele Wrote: Sinking a bit lately...job hunting is the worst thing ever. I freaking hate going on interviews for jobs I wouldn't even want. Even worse is that I have to smile and get through it in hopes of landing something.

Family time wasn't that great...as usual daughters create drama which I have had enough of in my life.

Health issues again. Mini trip cancelled.

Bored cause the semester is over and I don't see anything worth taking over the summer.

Just really down and need to figure out what to do to distract myself. YUCK...I hate this feeling.

I know where you're coming from, Angie.

Except for the daughter drama.

I'd tell you to keep pressing on, but you're already doing that. Go play with your little terrorists. That's what I'm doing to make me smile.

Weather is really nice...just tried to get the pups to play fetch...found out I am the one doing almost all the fetching. They are all good at the chasing part, only one will actually return the ball after a short spell of keep-away.

Karma is losing her puppy teeth and now has no front fangs so she can't hang on to a ball for long.

(05-06-2017 04:14 PM)Gawdzilla Wrote: ...And you can come get my guns if you'd like to try. I'll take you to the range and give you three rounds headstart.

I would like to share a bit more about one of the things I learnt at the clinic back than. The one and only thing at the clinic that actually did help me.They simply called it "ressources".
I am going to explain the concept and how it is supposed to work.

You start this once you know your problems and can identify the triggers that make you feel bad. And you also need to know what you would normally do in this case > the bad habit. Then you think about what you could do better, what would be positive

and helpful in this moment.
And these things have to be things that you can for real carry around with you, so anytime you could pull it out your pocket to help yourself.
As I mentioned it is supposed to be like a first aid kit against depression.

I am giving extreme examples, because it is easier to learn frome extremes:
Let's say that normally you would do something, that negatively impacts your health, everytime you feel bad. (So not anxiety, not rage, no such things) You are not far enough to completely stop it but you would like to scale down. Extreme examples would be people who start eating sweets when they feel bad, people who cut themselves, people who exhaust themselves with physical activity. Right? These are pretty common, that's why I focus on these three for now.
The psychologist told us to try and, as I said, scale it down a notch. If you would normally eat chocolate bars, try to shift over to bananas as a first step. If you would normally cut yourself, flip yourself with a rubberband instead. If you normally exhaust yourself physically like running, walk instead.
So in the beginning it is difficult because this used to be your short term solution for the depression, but ultimately it would push you deeper because apart from the real problem you know that, what you are doing, is not good for you. So for the moment you are stopping the downwards spiral.

For me, as I lost my job because of my problems, I could have my ressource at home.
I tried to simply shift over to positive things when I felt a depression starting or I felt I am in one already.
I had my guitar, and I played it A LOT. I sang so loud and sad at times, it was almost like screaming out, but it helped me very much. I sang the sadest songs, and cried while doing so, and I sang the loudest and wildest songs, and I played my guitar like a maniac, very therapeutic.
The second thing I had was my pets (cats and guineapigs). I knew they love me no matter what, and when I felt bad they would come and cuddle and purr, and they would sleep in my bed (the cats). I loved them so much, everything about them, feeding them, giving them a treat, educating them, playing with them, cuddling with them. They were active cuties.
The third thing I had, my little post its on the wardrobe. This was difficult for me because I had such a negative, pessimistic, and tired of life mind set at the time + never really learnt to apprecieate myself and the things I like. I put one or two postive things on a small postit and pin it on the wardrobe. First I never looked at it because I felt ridiculous. But I realized that I am in my own place and noone looks, and that there are indeed lots of things I like and am good at. In the end they where abour 20, neatly in rows of five, because I like to put things neatly. And I would just turn around during the day and look at it and feel good about it.

So there are those physical things as I mentioned first, and the "other" things. notes, hobbies, pets.
If you know that a soft pillow can calm you down, have one of these small toy pillows with you, so you can touch it.
If you know that the smell of roses can calm you down, have a tiny bit of rose oil or something with that in your bag.
If you know that your partner can calm you down, have a photo in your pocket.
If you know that nature, plants, garden work calms you down, pick up a pinecone on the way, stop by the next tree and touch it....

If there are questions about this method with the ressources please ask, or send a pm if you don't wanna post it openly. I am not a professional, but I do know plenty about this kind of stuff having been through it myself and that mostly alone. I like to help because I know how bad it feels and how difficult it is to help yourself at times.

Went through one of the biggest rough patches ever this year.......... I had become an observer of my life and not a participant.

This record was stuck in a "autopilot" groove and it was playing negativity 24-7

Hindsight is a funny thing.......... the biggest realisation came when I looked at my spiderplant and I hadnt watered it for around 3-4 months and it was dying....... Its how I felt on the inside and this realisation was what pushed me to call upon my family and friends for support, they knew I was bad but I lied to them about how bad I was..... didnt want to "burden" them with my shit.

Doctors wanted to put me on anti-ds and I took them for a month but then stopped........ If I wanted to feel artificially good then I could easily buy some ecstacy..... I knew it (anti-ds) would just mask my problem and that I need help in other ways........ I needed an outside influence to review my life and to offer me alternatives that I didnt see in my negativity.

This time around I made notes on my condition and have a page called "warning signs" so I know when I am heading down that road again....... Recently I have noticed them re-occuring and I do struggle to keep my head above water but this time around I have people to talk to and I am honest and open.

I have come to terms with the fact that I will probably have this for the rest of my life....... that there is some deep shit rooted in my sub-c that no matter what I do I cannot access nor can I change.

I wrote this poem at my worst and I put in in the poetry section of the forum at the time.......... I think this will explain more than any other writing I may put.If my soul was a colour.Right now it is black.With a tiny white light.Lost deep down inside.This tiny white light.So fragile.Yet it is the only thing that keeps me together.There are times when my light shines the way.Illuminating life in darkness of day.Yet there are times when my light seems to dim.And I feel the darkness begin to close within.Is my light the spark of life.Cutting the darkness much like a knife.What happens if the blade goes dull.Will my life slowly become null...

I feel so much, and yet I feel nothing.
I am a rock, I am the sky, the birds and the trees and everything beyond.
I am the wind, in the fields in which I roar. I am the water, in which I drown.