Tuesday, 9 April 2013

The Prisoner Of Self.

For some time I had myself thinking that I'd repaid my debt. That my pain would finally be over and that I could spend the remainder of my miserable existence in some vague semblance of peace. But it was not to be. Some things one thinks are only ever found in the movies, the sort of human characteristics that arise in certain melodramatic scenes that are supposed to show you something profound or some shit like that. I thought I knew darkness, the way Bane mentioned it (as much as I hate to make a Batman reference) but I had yet to see part of the bottom of it. Because what I now feel is a petrifying darkness, a darkness that numbs all of one's senses and reduces them to nothing. I cry out for help but I feel no peace inside. I thought I'd be stronger by now, after everything that had happened, but I'm broken like a little girl who somebody slapped before taking her favorite doll away. I feel like a child. A child that sees everything but is powerless to stop the progression of it. Except what I'm seeing is myself and my life. God help me. I need strength to carry on and I don't know how to get back up. But I'm going to try because there is something inside me that never stops saying 'you are more than this' that never stops saying 'tell me it's going to take more than this to finish you'. It says 'tell me I didn't fight this long only for you to fail me now'. But where do I turn to in my moment of panic and fear?