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I asked him right off the bat if he was married, and he said yes. I asked him if his wife would be upset if she knew (he had had a FWB for a about a year, a couple years ago?) and he said yes, most likely.

So he has cheated on his wife, and would again. I'm willing to hear him out about his situation and then decide if it's worth pursuing . . .

So, he's a liar and a cheater. Why would you pursue that? He's obviously not into polyamory. Do you really want to be a mistress and the reason that someone lies to his wife?

Or will you give him a good verbal lashing about what cheating creates in peoples lives and find a real relationship?

I don't mean to sound unfeeling, I'm sure this has been difficult and confusing... I feel for you, but please say that this was a lesson learned... let there be a happy ending... and not like that! *shakes head and looks at the floor*

RP- I like your style! I'm not going to bother lecturing him though, since I doubt it will do any good. He was clear from the start (had written "attached" in his profile) and will likely just look for someone else who is willing to cheat.

I have not had any experience with cheating, I think that for me it would cause a lot of stress, hence it is unappealing, although I can see how for others it might be titillating.

I had been reading posts by all three of you (NY, siren, and RP) about the feelings of the partner who is not in the know, and the potential fallout. Also my feelings of contributing to deception.

RP, I don't think you were being unfeeling. I haven't lost a lot of sleep over this one, since fortunately I was able to put a stop to it due to the NUMEROUS red flags and the feedback in these forums.

Lessons learned? Screen more carefully, now that I know my limits and more of what I do and don't want Also I have a hard time remembering that there are MANY other fish in the sea, and that they are not that hard to find (thanks Internet). I guess I was just coming from a place of feeling of scarcity, when in reality for the past 6 months I have actually been experiencing abundance. The last time I was really dating was 11 years ago and I found it hard to date. I had not tried internet dating until this past year, and so far it's been working out pretty well.

I asked him right off the bat if he was married, and he said yes. I asked him if his wife would be upset if she knew (he had had a FWB for a about a year, a couple years ago?) and he said yes, most likely.

So he has cheated on his wife, and would again. I'm willing to hear him out about his situation and then decide if it's worth pursuing a relationship (or whatever) with him, but at this point I don't feel that he has enough to offer to make it worthwhile to me and the possibility of hurting his wife is an issue to me.

I enjoy spending time with him and talking about nerdy science stuff, so that's satisfying to me for now.

I'm glad you say that him potentially hurting his wife is an issue to you and made the decisions you did in not going forward. The cheating thing would have been a big red flag to me from the get go. Cheating is NOT OK. If he can't be honest with her, what makes you think he will be honest with you and value you?

Even though my boyfriend and I are new to this poly journey and haven't met anyone IRL yet, but will soon, there is a policy of honesty between us and any partners. Having been a wife that was cheated on, it's an awful place to be in and I don't wish it on anyone nor do I wish to ever put someone in that situation. I refuse to consider dating anyone who is not honest with their current partner/partners or spouse about me. Seems like you learned a valuable lesson and best of luck!

I'm not going to bother lecturing him though, since I doubt it will do any good. He was clear from the start (had written "attached" in his profile) and will likely just look for someone else who is willing to cheat. Lessons learned? Screen more carefully, now that I know my limits and more of what I do and don't want
thanks all

The process of dating and meeting new loves is fun and exciting but can tedious and time-consuming if it doesn't work in your favor. I read the whole thread - and it appears that you were really wrapped up in him, which made you feel a little insecure because he wasn't as communicative with you. But as time wore on, it seems you realized he was just into the lay - and you weren't. I can relate because that has happened to me. Am I reading that correctly?

To the skilled cheater, talking is simply initial foreplay. If the talk doesn't quickly turn into action, then they'll leave as quickly as they arrived. They'll move on to the next conquest in hopes to achieve that desired result before you have time to understand what just happened - or didn't happen. It's crappy, but it's reality. The lesson learned is to not jump into bed until you know exactly what you want or don't want from that person.