The I of the Beholder

How can we get free of the petty tyrannies of our own female vanity?

The feminist Germaine Greer once described an unpleasant lunch hour she'd had in a trendy Manhattan restaurant. For three decades a figure of some renown and influence in the American women's movement, Ms. Greer was finding it difficult that afternoon to get her waiter's attention.

As she sat there impatiently trying to catch his eye – any waiter's eye – she noticed that at various tables around the room, a number of other women, younger than she, weren't having the same problem. In fact, at the next table over, not only was a waiter responding diligently to a good-looking diner's every request, but to make matters worse, the young woman in question was accompanied for lunch by an enthralled middle-aged man, someone just about Germaine Greer's own age.

That's when it hit her, said Greer: she'd become invisible.

Surely that's the not only time a waiter's unresponsiveness has triggered an existential crisis of the highest order: a woman's encounter with her own nothingness that not even transcendental meditation can provide. For a female who has absorbed – from childhood and adolescence on – the notion that to get a man's attention is to have evidence that she exists, watching her beauty ebb and fade is to preside helplessly over the disappearance of her very own self. To be invisible to the male gaze is to not be there at all.

Eventually the bathroom mirror will start sending daily bulletins about our unbelievable transformation into our grandparents.

If the universal human need to be there – in other words, to be recognized, noticed, taken seriously – is intertwined primarily in a woman's mind and heart with her power to attract, she'll be getting some uncomfortable wake-up calls somewhere along the line. As we all know, and try heroically to deny, we have every reason to trust that our bodies will get weaker and uglier as time goes by. We can successfully forestall the onset of this pre-programmed deterioration with exercise and cosmetic surgery and nutrition and makeup, but eventually the bathroom mirror will start sending daily bulletins about our unbelievable transformation into our grandparents.

As the saying goes, inside every old person is a young one wondering what happened; throughout history, women have sought to be beautiful and have appraised their value accordingly. Yet in our times, there's something particularly obsessive and twisted about how these natural inclinations manifest themselves. The increasingly widespread occurrence among middle-aged women of eating disorders – pity my generation! – gives eloquent expression to the war against one's own self that can occur when the powerful twin longings, for love and for transcendence, are channeled primarily into the quest to preserve one's youth and beauty. If that pursuit takes place in the absence of any other equally authentic and viable philosophy of self, our body's condition and appearance become the most tangible measure of our worth.

For better and for worse, I'm no exception. My own childhood was populated by female authority figures who seemed to have something other than their figures in mind, but I myself just will not go gently into that good night. As a baby-boomer, I insist, absolutely insist, that time does not go by, and I'd rather die than appear in the clothes my grandmother wore at my age.

How can we get free of the petty tyrannies of our own female vanity? Short of reincarnation as a man, one way out would be a nun-like withdrawal from the world, whereby we'd be free to cultivate our inner lives without outside interference. Another would be to adopt the Saudi-Arabian-style obliteration of one's female form and individuality altogether.

My identity is not equal to my reflection in a three-way mirror.

Another would be to live in such a way that our self-presentation conveys this idea to ourselves and others: My identity is not equal to my reflection in a three-way mirror.

What's lost when one can pass unnoticed? The truest joys are those which, by nature, require privacy to blossom, and our most enduring accomplishments those which go unseen by others.

To the extent that we see ourselves more as bodies than as souls, to that extent are we vulnerable to what is quaintly called "the ravages of time." To the extent that we seek beauty in our reflections rather than our deeds, to that extent are we blind to the myriad beauties which surround us.

And to the extent that we struggle to hold the world's gaze, to that extent will our bathroom mirrors increasingly chastise us, day by day, for neglecting our inner lives, invisible but to ourselves and God.

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 28

(26)
Miriam,
November 5, 2013 5:30 PM

Great points as always. Got me thinking...

Love this article, and funny that I've been thinking about how as we age, we tend to feel more "invisible" and less important for others to look at. And I love the way you express it. I've had that kind of experience, "hey they aren't paying attention...only the young 'uns are getting the attention..." but the truth is...as I get older I realize the irony - it's not necessarily the outer trappings that are making us visible or invisible. I know older folks who are soooo vital because of their inner souls...their inner beauty and wisdom. Or am I dreaming??? Thanks as always for a thought provoking and superbly written article!

(25)
SusanE,
November 1, 2013 4:23 PM

It's Not About the Age. Or the Gender.

I know men at 60 who are not very noticeable. They sort of shrink into the background. I know men at 60, who turn heads when they walk into a room. Know why? It's not the people in the room making judgments about their age. And it's not the physical attractiveness of those men. It's how they perceive themselves. If you feel you have nothing to offer, then that is how you present yourself. If you feel confident and vital the same is true. And others will see you the way you see yourself. For us women it's much the same. It's how we think about ourselves. If you don't think you are vital why would anyone else bother to see you that way? - - - I agree with anonymous commentor #18

(24)
Joan Michel,
October 30, 2013 1:46 PM

It's been so long, Sarah, but I think of you often and was so very glad to see this so beautifully expressed. L'Chaim!

(23)
Anonymous,
October 30, 2013 8:25 AM

wow

Beautiful article! I feel your article hit some deep points, that we must struggle with our surrounding secular modern society. I can be sure that in the time of our Imahot this predicament wasn't on the radar.I believe it is reflective in our generational decline that the focus of worth reflects such externality as opposed to the pnimiut and what we are really here for. another question- since one is "attract" a jewish phenomenon with married women.

(22)
Anonymous,
October 29, 2013 8:46 PM

I agree with you!

Anoymous (!3)!As one anonymous to another, I love your answer! I too like to be out of the "limelight"! Not because I had too much attention, I am ordinary looking, but born shy, it was more comfortable. My handsome husband, now elderly, does miss the world's admiration, while I am happy being ignored!

(21)
Rivka Strom,
October 29, 2013 7:02 PM

Beautiful and Maintainence

I take care of myself - medications, exercise, diet, meditation, reading new material and the five S's.

I put on make-up everyday and fix my hair. I have my own business and I want to be able to see my clients at a moments notice. Nothing wrong with looking beautiful for yourself.

As for Greer's restaurant experience - I had the same thing when I was young. Seated by the kitchen, given my food then ignored. Might as well have gone to a drive-through.

I had my fill of lecherous old codgers when I was young too. I love men but these guys needed to be put away somewhere. Then again they get the type of young woman they deserved - opportunistic and scheming.

Yes, everything is sliding south. No, I don't want to do a fan dance for an audience. Before I was stupid and exposed myself for attention. Now I dress and conduct myself for respect. I would rather be considered competent than comely.

The waiter lives on minimum wages and tips. Is he really the measuring stick for your value and beauty?

Sharon,
October 30, 2013 2:07 PM

So it's the size of one's salary that determines one's importance

I never once felt like Greer in a restaurant. Despite the fact that I am less attractive than I was ten or twenty year's ago, I think the waiter is thinking that as a more mature woman I may be able to afford a heftier tip. But to achieve that, they'll have to give good service, so they won't be ignoring me.

(20)
Melissa,
October 29, 2013 3:53 PM

Ageism vrs. 'social conditioning'

"Change of Life" means just that... change of focus -- its your eyes, Sarah and mind that need to switch their focus -- a short time in a restaurant doesn't make the grade as to some kind of cosmic 'assessment'; G-d's timeline is 24/7 for 80 some years ... ask him your questions; who and what is a beautiful woman according to Proverbs? Greer worked hard and lived her life in the public eye - a difficult thing to do; dramatic and flamboyant at times - how is that different than a middle aged business who sees no glory also in the impersonal events of meal-times spent alone. Shabbos invites are the answer to this 'prayer'.

(19)
Bayla Sheva,
October 29, 2013 3:28 PM

Baby BLOOMER

As our fellow baby boomer, Carole King (nee Carole Klein) sang: "You're as beautiful as you feel!!" A holy Tzelem Elokimi at ANY age. Tzelem is not a just a graying shadow, rather, it's a shadow of light and getting brighter!" Shine on Sarah! .

(18)
Anonymous,
October 29, 2013 3:11 PM

It's not the age

Its the appearance! Dress well. Smile. Be happy! People will notice these traits. As a 75 year old woman who continues to work I am visable. I am proud. I am among like people. The author of this article sounds depressed and uncomfortable with herself. Wallowing in self pity at any age is disagreeable.

(17)
shells,
May 1, 2007 3:43 PM

thankyou for sharing this wonderful lesson

I am still comming out of a very difficult time and consequently take little care of my appearence other than to clean and tidy myself with hair scraped back in a band, I'm bare for the world to see with bags under my eyes and no makeup. but you know - that doesn't matter because that's how someone exhausted and excluded and tried to their limits like me does look - knackered with a capital K! lol so why should I paint my face and put on a smile? that's not how I feel right now and if people see that in my face and in my eyes, then maybe some lessons will be learnt. I beleive beauty is within - in our spirits and the way we act - for our children and our families who come first in our lives and for our love and purpose we show we care for those dearest to us. as women I beleive we are all stars, our beauty is within and God will see us shine like the stars we try to be, as do our families and those who know us best and truelly understand our struggles. as women we have always been united and I send love and joy to each and everyone of you around the globe today. feel good to be a woman! x

michelle,
October 29, 2013 3:16 PM

sending you the best for health and thank you for sharing your inner beauty.

You have your priorities in line and have a truly loving and giving heart. Thank you for sharing your vulnerability, courage and beautiful soul.

(16)
Anonymous,
April 24, 2005 12:00 AM

judging by appearances

MESA made this comment: "A sloppy appearance leads people to think that there's nothing worth getting to know underneath it all."

Well, that is strictly the problem of people with no common sense at all, not my problem. If a person doesn't want to get to know someone because they don't like their appearance, then that is one sad, shallow person indeed & is missing out on a ton of good friendships.

(15)
MESA,
November 12, 2003 12:00 AM

Wonderful points made, but...

I always love it when people point out that we need to work on our inner strengths and to appreciate them. It's something that we as a society just don't want to do, but we must.

On the other hand, there is something to be said for maintaining a good appearance, and you don't have to be tall, thin, and conventionally beautiful/handsome to do it. I don't think anyone should go out into a social or professional situation without wearing flattering clothes, makeup, and a good hairstyle. A sloppy appearance leads people to think that there's nothing worth getting to know underneath it all.

Once we have our appearance in order, we will have a much easier time projecting our own inner beauty to the rest of the world. And people will be much more willing to take notice of it.

(14)
Judy L. Snyder,
November 5, 2003 12:00 AM

Peope judge you as if you somehow did this to yourself.

The most difficult thing about growing older is that people judge you as if you did this to yourself. How many times have you heard, "she has really let herself go". Men and women alike give you tips on how to loose those pounds and how maybe a little more exercise would do the trick. They don't know that I have always been health conscious, I have never drank sodas (lately, I have tried a few to figure out what I have missed) I have always maintained moderate exercise. I am just getting old and it happens to the best of us and the most blessed of us.

(13)
Anonymous,
November 4, 2003 12:00 AM

I like being invisible!

How does a woman "of a certain age" (and I am indeed at the "invisible" stage of life) cope? With relief! As a young person I was considered attractive and was often the center of attention from the opposite sex due to my looks, and it always felt uncomfortable and unwelcome in that context. What a pleasure to be able to be a wallflower and observer. I never wanted the type of "recognition" that society gives to beautiful people. How nice to have my "self" recognized through the appropriate channels within Judaism, in my role as wife, mother, grandmother, and community member and to know that I am cherished and respected for my deeds alone.

(12)
Donna,
November 4, 2003 12:00 AM

Being pretty doesn't make you happy.

I have always recieved alot of attention from the opposite sex.It really worked in reverse, it made my self esteem as a person very low.I felt my looks were more important than who I was. So if I ever gained a couple pounds or someone cut to much hair off when I only wanted a trim, I felt terribly depressed.When I devoted my life to G-d,I found a deeper meaning to life and placed a higher value on myself.Character is so much more important.I wear modest clothing and concentrate on class. My inner beauty is from G-d ,it makes me more beautiful. So even when I'm old and my external beauty fades, I will still be a beautiful person. Most of all I will be happy with who I am.

(11)
Teresa,
November 3, 2003 12:00 AM

It's not about the outside

Unfortunately, we women get so obsessed with the outside that the lights are on but no one is home. How many 30 something women I see who look like they belong on prime time tv, but have a vapid empty expression. Real men don't like stupid. Sorry if that is harsh. Oh, and if you won't date or marry a man who isn't physically at dreamboat, you may have to deal with the fact that you will miss your soulmate because you can't see his soul from across a crowded room. Just my not so humble opinion.

(10)
Ednah,
November 3, 2003 12:00 AM

What a wonderful article

I have found that aging makes a person more invisible too. But I am into developing my character so that I am still noticed so that my voice, and what I have to say, will still be heard.

I was married to a very handsome man who was very unloving, irresponsible, uncaring, mean, abusive and disrespectful etc. I am now married to a man who is not as handsome as the first one but is the loveliest creature on the face of this earth. We have been married for 10 years and he is still, to this day, very thoughtful and loving to me. What in the world do looks have to do with anything.

I look forward to aging naturally. I think a lot of people are sick and tired of the "ageless" society. I love seeing "little old people" who have wrinkles and stoops and canes and twinkles and wonderful smiles and who are crusty sometimes and let you know it. And who let you know when you do something wrong. Their disapproval is comforting - that there are still people who won't let you think you can do anything you want to do. Old people are the moral indicators still!!!! They reassure me that I will be alright when I get to old.

Whether other people like it or not I'm going to be all those things, and pray to HaShem that I am just like them when I get to be their age. Why? Because we need old people to be just who and what they are.

Thank you. Ednah

(9)
DODI CHRISTOFFERSON,
November 3, 2003 12:00 AM

THANK YOU!

i AM SO TOUCHED BY THE ARTICLES SARAH SHAPIRO WRITES. NEVER STOP.

(8)
Anonymous,
November 2, 2003 12:00 AM

Cure yourself of vanity or be cured

I have always been fairly attractive, I had a good figure when I was younger and I still have lovely hair. I am 45 but pass for much younger which has always been a source of pride. I often wondered how people who aren't physically attractive cope in this world and how they find spouses. I often commented disparagingly on other people's looks and figures.

I was recently diagnosed with cancer, had a mastectomy and am going to lose my hair from chemotherapy. To me, one of the messages from Hashem contained in this illness is, Get over yourself and your looks and concentrate on getting your spiritual side in order.

This has been a very thought-provoking article. I agree that women (and men)should be devoting their efforts to diminishing the importance of appearance and youth. It would be a much better world if people were valued essentially for their inner worth.

That being said, I would like to approach the appearance issue from another angle. I am a womam in my mid-30s (i.e., not a kid) who receives more interest and attention from men than is tolerable. This interest is rarely of the kind I would like. I am a professional musician with a doctorate, yet when I am in a working situation with my male peers, it is often not my musicianship or teaching skill that is noticed first and foremost. The same situation seems to pertain when I am a job candidate, and sometimes with women as well as men. I am not invisible, but I AM NOT TAKEN SERIOUSLY. It is very difficult to demand someone's respect when one is being viewed at least partly as an object. This struggle has become on of the most difficult ones of my life.

I would just like to add that, while I understand the point the writer was making when she referred to the middle-aged man in company with the young woman, I would warn against falling into the trap of yet another stereotype. My significant other is some 20 years my senior and has always encouraged me and taken me seriously in our profession. This is not something that I can say about many younger men I have encountered.

Thank you for posting this very interesting piece. It is a subject that does not receive enough attention.

(6)
Rachel Glyn,
November 2, 2003 12:00 AM

It Goes the Other Way, Too!

Quite frankly, if I were single and looking, I wouldn't even consider a man if he were too short, fat, or skinny, or if his face looked yukky to me. I could never be attracted to a man whose features turned me off. Sorry! How far do you think unattractive and/or old men get, unless if they are very wealthy?
Furthermore, while we can't change our height and the fact that we are aging, there is a lot we can do to make our appearance as pleasant as possible. Keeping one's weight down is not only possible, but advisable for health reasons, to prevent heart disease and cancer. There are many support groups these days for people who wish to take off weight; in fact, if people will throw out the white flour, white sugar, and high fat foods, the weight will come off by itself. A woman can also control how she wears her hair (or shaitel), and choose a style that flatters her face and figure. She can choose clothes that add some cheer and color; you don't have to spend a fortune to avoid looking old and dumpy. And most important - she can put a smile on her face. A smile makes everybody's face look more beautiful.
Finally, Ms. Greer should have gotten up and demanded that the waiter wait upon her. I hope she gave the waiter a lousy tip!

(5)
Michal,
October 16, 2003 12:00 AM

I liked what you are telling in the article

Dear Sarah, for the first time I read something you have written.
You are absolutely right. And I smiled all the time while reading. Thank you for telling me what I knew but didnt see that clear, nor could I put it into words. The only time I feel really young is the time I am praying.
All the best for you! Michal

(4)
Klara LeVine,
October 13, 2003 12:00 AM

Honest, frightening and moving.

Though my head and heart were saying yes and crying with every word, the part of me that wants to still try to please, especially my husband of not such a strong marriage, keeps yelling, but... I want to lose weight, I want to make my gray go away, I don't want to look "frumpy." Truthfully, in my mother's day, she went to the hairdresser's every week, came back with a different shade, dressed well and even tho she became ill with a debilitating disease, even my father thought she looked well to the end. Even if I managed to dismiss the importance of physical beauty, I don't believe that would automatically make me a Tzaddikus, doing all the chessed that makes for inner beauty. A double whammy of guilt - not spiritual enough, not physically beautiful either - just getting older - and all my inner resources fight that - old meaning worthless - the only way to fight back is to keep growing, in meaning, in depth. So I try. Thank you Sarah Shapiro, your words always touch me.

(3)
Shoshana,
October 8, 2003 12:00 AM

Engaging Interest

It hurt to read this, as I can relate to the feelings of losing the ability to engage the interest of other people. As a pretty young girl, I could count on getting people's attention, which gave me a chance to talk about my ideas and connect with others. As a mother in my 40's, it's not a given that people will be interested to engage with me. I want to feel valued and appreciated. It's hard to know that I am not as able to catch that initial interest as I used to be.

(2)
Anonymous,
October 7, 2003 12:00 AM

it's the men who need to look inward

The reason women place so much importance on external appearance is because men expect it. No, they demand it. And they give their attention to women who have youth and beauty, as any woman unfortunate enough to lack those qualities knows.

There is a lot of lip service paid to eshet hayil, but if you are too short, too fat, too thin, too wrinkled or too smart you will likely have plenty of alone time to develop your inner wisdom.

While it is true that inner beauty will shine through, most men seem to prefer it shining through an attractive package. This fact is not lost on women, especially when movie stars and the wealthy seem to be able to buy agelessness. My mother at 50 didn't look anything like Cher at 50, but then she wasn't expected to. She could grow old because that's what women did. There was no alternative.

Now the expectation for older women is to be nipped, tucked, Botoxed and have the energy of an 18 year old. Women who look their age are chided for "letting themselves go".

Isn't it ironic? This is the same generation that extolled the natural look when the women were young. I guess it doesn't look so lovely 30 years later.

(1)
Bonnie,
October 7, 2003 12:00 AM

"The truest joys..."

...truly are those which go unseen by others. Men and women should understand that there needs to be that inner place to retreat and draw near to G-d, a place to be your real self. I have often caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and thought: that's my mother! I have been divorced since 1987 and not one man truly offered to take me out to dinner--I had a better relationship with my former husband! But I had an inner place and even though I wailed and moaned at times, the woman that emerges from this place is growing confident and wears lipstick to smile into the world: life is too beautiful to waste it on yourself--begin to just smile at someone and watch your true beauty grow. You will be irresistable!

My nephew is having his bar mitzvah and I am thinking of a gift. In the old days, the gift of choice was a fountain pen, then a Walkman, and today an iPod. But I want to get him something special. What do you suggest?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Since this event celebrates the young person becoming obligated in the commandments, the most appropriate gift is, naturally, one that gives a deeper understanding of the Jewish heritage and enables one to better perform the mitzvot! (An iPod, s/he can get anytime.)

With that in mind, my favorite gift idea is a tzedakah (charity) box. Every Jew should have a tzedakah box in his home, so he can drop in change on a regular basis. The money can then be given to support a Jewish school or institution -- in your home town or in Israel (every Jews’ “home town”). There are beautiful tzedakah boxes made of wood and silver, and you can see a selection here.

For boys, a really beautiful gift is a pair of tefillin, the black leather boxes which contain parchments of Torah verses, worn on the bicep and the head. Owning a pair of Tefillin (and wearing them!) is an important part of Jewish identity. But since they are expensive (about $400), not every Bar Mitzvah boy has a pair. To make sure you get kosher Tefillin, see here.

In 1944, the Nazis perpetrated the Children's Action in the Kovno Ghetto. That day and the next, German soldiers conducted house-to-house searches to round up all children under age 12 (and adults over 55) -- and sent them to their deaths at Fort IX. Eventually, the Germans blew up every house with grenades and dynamite, on suspicion that Jews might be in hiding in underground bunkers. They then poured gasoline over much of the former ghetto and incinerated it. Of the 37,000 Jews in Kovno before the Holocaust, less than 10 percent survived. One of the survivors was Rabbi Ephraim Oshri, who later published a stirring collection of rabbinical responsa, detailing his life-and-death decisions during the Holocaust. Also on this date, in 1937, American Jews held a massive anti-Nazi rally in New York City's Madison Square Garden.

In a letter to someone who found it difficult to study Torah, the 20th century sage the Chazon Ish wrote:

"Some people find it hard to be diligent in their Torah studies. But the difficulty persists only for a short while - if the person sincerely resolves to submerge himself in his studies. Very quickly the feelings of difficulty will go away and he will find that there is no worldly pleasure that can compare with the pleasure of studying Torah diligently."

Although actions generally have much greater impact than thoughts, thoughts may have a more serious effect in several areas.

The distance that our hands can reach is quite limited. The ears can hear from a much greater distance, and the reach of the eye is much farther yet. Thought, however, is virtually limitless in its reach. We can think of objects millions of light years away, and so we have a much greater selection of improper thoughts than of improper actions.

Thought also lacks the restraints that can deter actions. One may refrain from an improper act for fear of punishment or because of social disapproval, but the privacy of thought places it beyond these restraints.

Furthermore, thoughts create attitudes and mindsets. An improper action creates a certain amount of damage, but an improper mindset can create a multitude of improper actions. Finally, an improper mindset can numb our conscience and render us less sensitive to the effects of our actions. We therefore do not feel the guilt that would otherwise come from doing an improper act.

We may not be able to avoid the occurrence of improper impulses, but we should promptly reject them and not permit them to dwell in our mind.

Today I shall...

make special effort to avoid harboring improper thoughts.

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