Alien Rage Review: A game so bad, it defies witty, metaphoric titles

Alien Rage sets the bar in the gaming world. Never before has there been a game like it. This is a new era.

If Judge Smails were to ask Alien Rage if it stood “for goodness or for badness” instead of Danny Noonan in Caddyshack, Alien Rage would definitely stand for badness. But this isn’t your ordinary badness; this is advanced badness.

Let’s recap my first fifteen or so minutes with the game:

An AI voiceover is directing me, my character’s first line trenches himself into the most generic male soldier trope imaginable, enemies are floating from cover to cover (whereas I’m unable to because cover mechanics work like total crap), a reference is randomly made to David Bowie’s “Space Oddity,” the forced humor is cringe-worthy, and the camera is so shaky it makes The Hunger Games look like one gigantic steady shot.

I’m not even close to being done complaining, by the way.

There’s a story being told, but I couldn't care less. Something about having a gun and using it to shoot other people with guns. The other guys appear to be aliens that are enraged. Maybe that’s why the game’s called Alien Rage. There are audio logs scattered through the generic Unreal Engine-powered world, but in order to listen you have to stand in place. If you have the misfortune to play through the game, the last thing you’ll ever want to do is lengthen the experience. This game is probably a speedrunner's dream: not only are you trying to finish as soon as possible for a record, but you’re also doing it for your own sanity.

To quote the late great Billy Mays, “But wait, there’s more!”

The game’s difficult modes are listed as “Challenging, Hard, and Brutal.” I guess Alien Rage is too cool for normal. When loading between levels, all of the guns you picked up are reset. Apparently they’re dropped during the loading screen.

While on the subject of loading screens, they’re pretty fast. So there’s at least one thing the game does right. Let’s get back to the negative train:

There’s a scoring system that makes absolutely no sense. I have no idea what the difference between a “Double Trouble” and “Double Kill is.” Every time you get shot the already shaky camera takes on new levels of Michael J. Fox. The game’s soundtrack is so unmemorable I can’t even recall if it has one.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that Alien Rage is bad. Alien Rage is really bad. I think I’d rather play The Guy Game. Go ahead and save yourself the $9.99 you'd other--