Contents

[in TV ad] New and improved Joker products! With a new secret ingredient: Smylex. Now, let's go over to our blind taste test. Uh-oh. He don't look happy. He's been using Brand X. But with new and improved Joker brand, I get a grin again and again. That luscious tan, those ruby lips, and hair color so natural, only your undertaker knows for sure. I know what you're saying: where can I get these fine new items? Well that's the gag. Chances are, you've bought 'em already! So, remember, spread a little sunshine, and put on a happy face!

And now, folks, it's time for "Who do you trust!" Hubba, hubba, hubba! Money, money, money! Who do you trust? Me? I'm giving away free money. And where is the Batman? He's at home, washin' his tights! [looks up into the sky and sees the Batwing] Winged battle flies through the night and finds me ready. [to Bob the Goon] Bob, Mask. [to crowd in the street] And now comes the part where I relieve you, the little people, of the burden of your failed and useless lives. But, as my plastic surgeon always said, if you've got to go, go with a smile!

"Winged freak terrorizes". Wait till they get a load of me!

Batman?! Batman?!! Can somebody tell me what kind of a world we live in where a man dressed up as a bat gets all of my press?! This town needs an enema!

The Joker: Fried? Is that what you heard? You set me up over a woman. A woman! You must be insane.

[Grissom turns around, reaches for a gun]

The Joker: Don't bother.

Carl Grissom: Your life won't be worth spit!

The Joker: I've been dead once already. It's very liberating. You should think of it as... therapy.

Carl Grissom: Jack, listen, maybe we can cut a deal.

The Joker: Jack? Jack's dead, my friend. You can call me... Joker. And, as you can see, I'm a lot happier.

The Joker: So gentlemen, that's how it is. Until Grissom, uh, [chuckles] resurfaces, I'm the acting President, and I say starting with this anniversary festival, we run this city to the ground.

Gangster: Why don't we hear this from Grissom?

Tony: Yeah, and what's with that stupid grin?

The Joker: Life's been good to me.

Tony: What if we say "No"?

The Joker: Well, Tony, nobody wants a war. And if we can't do business, why, we just shake hands and that'll be it.

Vicki: Some people say that you're as dangerous as the Joker.

Batman: He's psychotic.

Vicki: There are some people who say the same thing about you.

Batman: What people?

Vicki: Well let's face it, you're not exactly..."normal", are you?

Batman: It's not exactly a "normal" world, is it?

Bruce: What's on your mind, Alfred?

Alfred: I have no wish to spend my few remaining years grieving for the loss of old friends. Or their sons.

Batman: Excuse me. You ever danced with the devil in the pale moonlight? [Punches Joker and knocks him against a bell, before grabbing him] I'm going to kill you!

Joker: You idiot! You made me, remember? You dropped me into that vat of chemicals. That wasn't easy to get over, and don't think that I didn't try!

Batman: [smirks] I know you did. [Punches Joker in the stomach and knocks him through a wall] You killed my parents.

Joker: Wha-what? What are you talking about?

Batman: I made you — you made me first.

Joker: Hey, bat-brain, I was a kid when I killed your parents! I mean, I say I made you, you've gotta say you made me ... how childish can you get? [puts on a pair of glasses] You wouldn't hit a guy with glasses, would you? Huh!?

[Batman knocks the Joker over the side]

Harvey Dent: We've received a letter from Batman this morning. "Please inform the citizens of Gotham that Gotham City has earned a rest from crime. But if the forces of evil should rise again to cast a shadow on the heart of the city, call me."