In Worcester, political pulse flatlines

I'm not saying that Worcester Mayor Joe Petty is boring. But if he was a state, he'd be Kansas. If he was a food, he'd be Wonder Bread. If he was a social event, he'd be a baby shower.

But because he's such a nice, affable guy, it's hard to make fun of Petty, even harder than it is for liberals to criticize Obamacare or the poor. I'd be remiss, however, if I didn't note that Joe Petty is the perfect poster boy for the election of 2013, a dull and uninspired affair that only could have been salvaged, entertainment-wise, had Petty been caught slamming crystal meth in a back alley on Grafton Hill.

I'm certainly not suggesting Petty ramp up his low-key image by becoming a strung-out junkie, although I, personally, would buy tickets. But who ever heard of Toronto Mayor Rob Ford before he admitted that he smoked crack during drunken binges? And who wouldn't want to score an invite to one of his campaign fundraisers?

Tuesday's municipal election attracted one of the lowest voter turnouts in history. Some precincts were so quiet, they were in danger of being overrun by wolverines. Five of the 12 candidates for at-large City Council seats didn't even bother to respond to a questionnaire from the Chamber of Commerce. There were few candidate nights, no debates and hardly any of the back-biting that passes for informed discourse in modern political culture.

The only exception was the race between Bill Eddy, District 5 incumbent, and Gary Rosen, a political veteran whose cunning campaign strategy consists, in its entirety, of standing on street corners and waving cheerfully to voters. The race started with great promise when Rosen claimed he was running to lose weight and Eddy said it wasn't funny and disparaged Rosen's campaigning as "undignified." Rosen, meanwhile, claimed that Eddy felt "entitled" to the seat and had complained that if Rosen ran against him and he was forced to campaign, he'd miss his kids' summer ballgames.

This high-minded race resulted in a Rosen victory, and it's probably a good thing, judging from Eddy's campaign brochure. While many candidates routinely claim they "pushed" for this and "spearheaded" that, Eddy's literature boasted that he "constructed 8 new playgrounds; cleaned up Coes reservoir and Coes Knife, and preserved 20 acres of Moreland Woods open space." The guy must be exhausted, and he probably needs a rest.

Wednesday, Rosen claimed that his sign-holding at intersections shows his "humbleness, determination, persistence, and tenacity." I think it shows that he's retired and didn't raise any money.

Speaking of campaign brochures, my personal favorite belonged to unsuccessful candidate Mesfin Beshir, who listed among his goals, "Homeless prevention for returning heroes." He may have mangled his vocabulary, but he likely didn't earn many endorsements from the VFW.

Tuesday's big loser was veteran incumbent Michael Germain, who kept getting lost on his way to council meetings and somehow ending up at his Florida condo, making it a challenge to conduct council business. Two new at-large councilors were elected, Morris A. "Moe" Bergman and Michael T. Gaffney, and, because of the departure of Joe O'Brien, we may see soon the council deviate from the left-of-center policies typically practiced by Robin Hood.

With its new configuration, let's hope the council grows a collective spine and quits catering to the labor unions. Let's also hope, with the goal of raising his profile, that Mayor Petty invites his Toronto counterpart to Worcester for cocktails.