Dynomite! All-Stars Edition

Yesterday, while sitting around feeling as blah as a freezer-burned Totino’s pizza roll, I decided I needed to find something amusing to do — something to break me out of this post-holiday funk.

So naturally I thought, shall I look through old pictures of my Easter bonnets and have a few yuks?

Nah. I don’t really feel like doing the self-loathing thing right now. Because inevitably I will end up at this picture. And then I’ll wonder again why my great-aunt gave my cousin Laurie the adorable Shirley Temple hat and me the grotesque Mr. McFeely number.

And then I’d get depressed again wondering if I should let this hat choice define me.

Certainly, it defined Mr. McFeely.

Mr. McFeely, you own my heart and my hat. Except mine is more Eastery.

So then I thought, shall I look through other people’s old pictures and have a few yuks?

And I also thought, whatever happened to my Dynomite! segments?

Yes, it had been forever since I used my blog to exploit people’s past fashion escapades. Does anyone even care anymore? Have we all moved on?

So then I thought, I know! Maybe I should follow in the way of Reality TV and host an All-Stars Edition — you know, to help blow the dust off my tired non-going series.

If you recall, Dynomite! was when each week/month/whenever I felt like it I premiered a photograph from the ’70s, ’80s or ’90s of a person exhibiting their fashion A-Game.

And isn’t this exciting? I happen to have everyone back here again! Yes, all together in one blog post like a great big Dynomite! hug. True, a hug that smells like Kool-Aid-tinged mothballs and, okay, a hug that feels like scratchy polyester but, undeniably, a hug that’s as snugly as the Care Bears crammed in a cloud car.

Alright, let’s look back on our stars who will be vying for one Amazing Grand Prize. Then I will ask you to cast your vote for the contestant most worthy of being called — Dynomite!

First we met Jason.

In describing Jason’s ensemble I stated,

“Perfect for a jog around the arcade to see if Donkey Kong 2 had arrived, suitable for an aerobics workout set to Olivia Newton John, or comfortable for just lounging around the house playing Space Invaders on your TV-set-shaped-like-a-chest-of-drawers. I unfortunately had to detract points since the tube socks are not Regulation Knee-High Length.”

Next we met Lindsay.

In describing Lindsay’s ensemble I stated,

“In all of my life, I’ve never seen an outfit that’s been color-coordinated so beautifully. Black-red-black-red-black-white. Perfect. And the scrunchie brings it all home. I wouldn’t expect anything less from a scrunchie.

Lindsay is correct in thinking that before leading off her dance routine set to Let’s Hear It for the Boy, she needs to first stretch out so as to avoid pulling a hammy in that tricky grand finale: Roger Rabbit-Roger Rabbit-Shopping Cart-Roger Rabbit-Shopping Cart-Cabbage Patch-Centipede. [Spotlight dims.] Jazz Hands.”

Then we met Marla.

In discussing Marla’s ensemble I stated,

“When I saw this photo, I immediately asked Marla whether she might’ve grown up in a 19th century German clock. In fact, she did not. Then I asked if she was wearing a Christmas tree skirt. In fact, she wasn’t sure.

When I was able to move past the striped tights and clogs, I heard myself utter an involuntary squeal of delight as I spotted her clear plastic tote bag. These bags were commonplace in my childhood home. I believe we used them for transporting bowling shoes and skates. And, at least once, pink corduroy pee-pants.”

And last, but certainly not least, we met Jimmy.

Regarding Jimmy’s ensemble I stated,

“I had to take off style points because polyester by no means has the stretchy give necessary for playing a brisk game of [your guess is as good as mine]. This makes me miss those butterfly collars. Although, they used to be dangerously pointy. If parents didn’t already say it then, they should’ve said, Don’t run with scissors — and for God’s sake don’t run while you’re wearing that shirt.”

Please cast your vote now!

Polling will close Sunday the 15th at 7:00 A.M. Next week I will reveal the winner and the Amazing Grand Prize that our lucky Dynomite! contestant will get to enjoy! Yes, you heard right — I said “amazing” and “grand” and “prize”!

Disclaimer: But please note I did not say “enjoy”. Oh, wait, I did? My bad.

You are right, Emily. I think a few someones here have since established this game was called Toss Across. I unfortunately did not get the pleasure of experiencing this game as I was too busy playing lawn darts and trying not to kill anyone.

Great look you must’ve sported! A shag ‘do like Jane Fonda in Klute? I hope you’ll consider submitting evidence for a future Dynomite! post.

You’re right — you don’t want to rush into a decision like this. You have a newborn baby, and you’re sleep deprived and probably slightly irrational, and I don’t want you to cast a vote that you may one day live to regret. Take your time.

I wish I could put the McFeely Easter bonnet up for the Amazing Grand Prize — but I just can’t bear to part with it. It’s become a family heirloom and I hope my daughter will one day pass it on to her daughter to wear and hate herself in.

The problem with Mr. McFeely is this — young to middle-aged people poorly dressed up as elderly people. There is just something so creepy about the blue-gray fake hair and eyebrows and maybe gray penciled lines sketched near the eyes to appear to be wrinkles. This is not old; this is what Satan looks like.

P.S. Lenore, will you submit to the Dynomite! series? I know you must have a 1986-Lenore picture where she is looking particularly hip.

Oh, the Mr. McFeely jokes were flowing like a river through my brain, and then I thought “No – any 4-year-old could come up with great Mr. McFeely jokes. There’s so much material there – the name, the picture; It’s beneath me to waste the typing time.”

I believe we’ve established that 1980s Jimmy is playing Toss Across, hmmm?

It’s really sort of demeaning the way Mr. Rogers insulted our intelligence. Like we’re so young and slow-witted that he has to throw us a slow pitch by naming his Neighborhood friend Mr. McFeely. Completely takes the fun out of making fun of someone.

Yes, Toss Across it is! I think you and other someones established that last time. I can’t believe how many Toss Across fans are out there. There’s likely Toss Across tournaments and clubs and fantasy leagues.

Jimmy appears to be playing Toss Across, which is like Tic-Tac-Toe, except you uncover the X’s and O’s by throwing bean bags at the squares. That game was a bit before my time, I think (or, about 25 years before my time), so I never had one, but I’ve seen pictures of it on the Internet. It’s back now, apparently, but the modern version is made with brightly-coloured plastic, which probably isn’t as good quality as the original wooden version……..which brings me to another point–what’s wrong with wood, cloth, and other more “natural” materials for kids’ toys? Why all the plastic crap?

Do I get points for remembering this from the first time? It’s like an old, comfortable pair of shoes that have been deodorized so they still smell good. I went with Jimmy because he looks like Davey Jones and DJ just died.

Yes, you definitely get points for remembering these photos from the first time around. And then do I get points for remembering when you wrote about some kind of striped suspender pants you wore while you were cleaning bank windows or something? I think we need a Dynomite! post including a photo of that hipster look.

Yes! Toss Across! You are correct. Thanks for playing. I wish I had a parting prize to offer you. Like maybe a free Toss Across. But it sounds like your family already has your Toss Across needs met. Enjoy.

She is as cute as can be. And something about that photo makes me want to revisit jazzercize — which I haven’t taken part in since a 4-week course back in 1987. But if I had that fantastically color-coordinated outfit, I would have the confidence to take it up again.

poor marla doesn’t stand a chance. but i’m totally diggin the german look. she’s got my vote!
lindsay just reminds of the girls in school that refused to be my friend because i couldn’t color coordinate as well as they could.

jason’s socks aren’t high enough and jimmy’s collar is just too dangerous.

That’s okay, Beck — you can admit you just cast a sympathy vote there. I’m sure Marla will gladly take all the sympathy votes she can get. She lives in a German clock for crying out loud — what sort of happiness in life does she have to look forward to outside of proclaiming herself the Dynomite winner?

Yeah, I’m pretty sure 1987-Lindsay would not let 1987-Angie sit by her in the lunchroom. Not that I’d blame her since 1987-Angie had the worst perm in the history of 1987.