Monday, April 21, 2008

Not that I'm not having fun for the most part, but I've been reading the YOU Diet book (Waist Management) and took the personality quiz today. Evidently I have no trouble whatever in the food or exercise category, but as for moods and coping skills--whew, I'm a train wreck.

Nothing but stress, life totally out of control, no time to even think. A recipe for diet disaster! And so it is. I started with a women's workout center, one of those little franchise places that pop up everywhere, and now I'm totally honked off with how inconvenient it is. it takes at least 30 minutes to get there, 30 minutes to exercise, and 30 minutes back--God! An hour and a half chunk wrenched out of my day! This can't go on.

And yet, and yet...Here I was talking about how I needed to prioritize time for myself, how I never do exercise on my own anyhow and need people around to motivate me. Now I grudge every lousy moment I spend on it. Spend on me, right?

Hence, I need to rethink my life.

Have I lost any weight, now that I've done this exercise thing for a couple of months? Maybe not a lot, although I do feel better. But I'm panicking over money, as in, I don't have enough to afford the monthly fees plus the gas to get there.

And it's the time, too. I need the time to write. God, where does the time go? I'm panicked that I'll never get this manuscript out the door, and then I'll never achieve my wonderful dream of a life as a writer.

This, clearly, is the major point in need of re-thinking.

If I croaked tomorrow, I hope I would have enjoyed the journey, as far as I got. If I don't ever make my goal, will the work itself be enough to make me happy? Sure, it's frustrating leaving a project half-finished, but if there is no pleasure in the doing then it's not really worth the effort after all.

That's the real goal--pleasure in the doing. Not feeling lousy until that shining moment when I've achieved the perfect weight. Not driving myself crazy until someone else decides my work is worth running up the flagpole.