Bob Calvert's first, and best, solo album, Captain Lockheed and the Starfighters was released in 1974 to positive reviews from the music press. The theme of the album is the disastrous safety record of the Lockheed F104G Starfighter purchased by the West German airforce. It is mostly dialogue with a handful of songs along the way, and functions as a piece of very black humour.

Below are scanned copies of the dialog sheet (from the American 1977 vinyl reissue of the album) which don't by any means do justice to the album, as they don't convey the mix of American, German and British-officer accents, for example, which deliver the humourous aspects of the album so effectively. There are also a few errors on the lyric sheet which I have corrected here and there...

In 1985, when I was living in San Francisco, I interviewed for a job as a PC technician with a local defence contractor. I asked them what defence contracts they had and they replied that their main one was a contract with the RCAF to maintain their CF104's, which were being used in a low-level ground attack role!!!!! Thoughts of Captain Lockheed came immediately to mind, as I smiled non-commitally and started edging my way towards the door.

West Germany had a total of 916 Starfighters (136 of which were trainers). With 269 crashes, that's a loss rate of about 34%.... According to the Royal Canadian Air Force site, approximately 110 CF-104 and CF-104Ds were lost in accidents, out of 239 delivered - a loss rate of 46 percent.

Having said that, the F104 has performed well with some Air Forces, when the ejector seat configuration has been altered. Inappropriate training has also been suggested as a factor in the high number of crashes.

[Thanks to Denis Regenbrecht, Eric Siegerman and Jon Jarrett for the information]

In 1980 I met a Pilot Officer who'd been based at an RAF strike base in Germany, and who had in fact been kicked out for drunkenness. I mentioned Captain Lockheed & The Starfighters to him but he already knew all about it. It was apparently a favourite among RAF aircrew in Germany at the time - I got the impression that they took it as being a piss-take of their German opposite numbers and no more than that...

In October 2002 I attended an airshow at Nellis AFB (Las Vegas, Nevada). Among the displays were two F104 Starfighters being flown by the Starfighters Airshow Demonstration Team. Their website is athttp://www.starfighters.net (which is uncomfortably close to my URL!)

The last line of this dialogue is actually "Germany not out" on the album It's read in a BBC type accent and is of course a cricketing term, meaning "Germany is still in the game"

The recruit's line "Not all ladies wear makeup, Sir" should be "Only ladies wear makeup, Sir". One other thing to note is that the Widow's Song, above, did not appear on the album. Nico, the German female vocalist of Velvet Underground fame, was to have performed this number on the album. It was subsequently recorded in 1984, with a vocal by Bob, on the Hawkwind Friends & Relations Volume 3 album.

It was an amazing display, and among other things reawakened my interest in this album.

Track One

Voices of German Air Defence Minister and Air Chief of staff. Sound of old prop aircraft chugging. Parade ground noises of boots and commands, in background.

Voice 1: (gradually building to messianic pitch)...This Airforce is in a terrible state. Just look at it. Leftovers from the last war. This is not an airforce, this is an air-circus. Even the Red Baron himself would laugh at such antiquated aeroplanes. We must modernize.

Voice 2: Ja mein Herr.

Voice 1: We must join the supersonic race.

Voice 2: Ja mein Herr.

Voice 1: We must get up to date...(finger snapping)... Get with it.

Voice 2: Ja mein Herr.

Voice 1: We must completely reorganize. Build a Strategic Air Defence system that will astound the world.

Voice 2: Ja mein Herr.

Voice 1; There must be a dramatic renaissance of the Luftwaffe. The long awaited reawakening of German air supremacy. Out of the ashes of defeat...a shining silver bird arising...we will sew up the skies with our gleaming needles... the world will be ...

Fade out into snatch of Strauss waltz...fade up into...

Track twoSong 1 THE AEROSPACEAGE INFERNO (HeavyRock)

A flight of steel eagles tearing bythe ripped-silk scream of the rended skyflame on through sound and make time flywhat a good way to gowhat a good way to goin the aerospaceage... inferno.

Fly through the ground like a circus houndthrough the burning hoop with just one boundnot even your ashes will be foundwhat a good way to gowhat a good way to goin the aerospaceage... inferno.

Set the controls for the heart of the earththe silver machine's worth more than you're worthbut the Phoenix soul is bound for rebirthwhat a good way to gowhat a good way to go

Track Three

(Voices in Background... fair ground callers):

Roll up roll up...this is the plane you want. Wanna try a fast plane sir...fast plane. Knock the pilot out ofthe air...three goes one mark.

Voice of Air Defence Minister: NEXT!

Cut to voice of American Salesman (warm and friendly as a TV ad for cigarettes used to be)

Salesman: Hi there. We understand you want to buy some airplanes

G.A.D.M.: That is correct.

Salesman: Well we make airplanes. Good ones. Fast and reliable. Let me just show you this. Look at this picture. This is the F104. Or the Starfighter as we like to call her. Isn't she beautiful. Yep. She sure is beautiful. Designed by the same man who designed the famous U2. It's the finest fairweather fighter on the market. You won't find a better one at the price. Or any price for that matter

G.A.D.M.: Yes, it's very nice. But we need a plane for bombing, strafing, assault and battery, interception, ground support and reconnaissance. Not just a fairweather fighter.

Salesman: Well that's O.K. We can make some modifications. It'll cost a little extra, but it's worth it. Just look at the shape of this beauty... Look I tell you what we'll do. We'll redesign the plane. Right. And instead of just calling it the F104. We'll call it the F104G.

The Widowmakeris a real brain-shakerthe Widowmakeris a silver queenthe Widowmakeris a real heartbreakerthe Widowmaker is long and lean.

Easy to flya pie in the skydo you wanna trya good way to die.Dive through the cloudswith a scream really loudhold you head proudand wind up in a shroud.

The Widowmakeris a real brain-shakerthe Widowmakeris easy to flythe Widowmakeris a young life takerthe Widowmakeris a pie in the sky.The Widowmakeris a good way to die.

Track Five

Voices of two test pilots. High speed. Manic. Jets landing and taking off.

Pilot 1: How does she handle?

Pilot 2: Pretty good. I found I could balance a glass of beer on my oxygen mask, while I was flying it in a slow roll.

Pilot 1: Really.

Pilot 2: Well I did spill a bit on the first try. Air turbulence, actually.

Pilot 1: Still...it's not bad.

Pilot 2: Yes. I could go into a loop, light a cigarette, peel a banana and thread a needle at twenty five thousand feet.

Pilot 1: Hmmm.

Pilot 2: Go into a dive, do the three card trick, write my name backwards, catch a peanut in my mouth and juggle my eye-balls from one socket to the other.

Pilot 1: Sounds like a pretty nifty kite.

Pilot 2: (pause) I've seen worse.

Track SixSong 3 THE RIGHT STUFF

I don't feel fear or panicand nothing brings me down.I'm an aerospaceage warriorI can fly sideways through sound.My reflexes and reactionsare as fast as a machine.I'm the right stuff babythe right stuff.I'm the right stuff babythe right stuffjust watch my trail.

When the dial needle flickersaround Mach one or twoand something happens suddenlyI know exactly what to do.My feet move without thinkingand my hands like lightning too.I'm the right stuff babythe right stuffI'm the right stuff babythe right stuffI never fail.

My nerves are made of steeland my eyes are eagle sharpand what would freak the average mandoes not affect my heartnot even if this sardine-canshould shake itself apartcause I'm the right stuff babythe right stuffI'm the right stuff babythe right stuffas hard as nailsI never failjust watch my trail

Track Seven

(Voices of German politician and high ranking Airforce officers. Argy bargy and board room murmurings):

Fine...We'll take seven hundred.

Two hundred and fifty is enough.

Seven hundred.

No. Two hundred and fifty is all we can cope with. At the most.

We need seven hundred. At least.

American Salesman: Would you mind just signing here please. And here. Oh yes, and one down here.

Voice of German Official: Development costs %? But surely you can't forecast development costs ...isn't that a little ... irregular.

American Salesman: (loud whisper) G for Germany.

Scratch of pen, signing.

Track EightSong 4 THE GREMLIN

I focused the magnifying glassthat brought the downfall of Icarus.

Balloons were easy; a simple pin.Or a knife in the case of the zeppelin.

That blade was the cause of many a prangin the early days of stick and string.

I am the gremlin. I was there.Making mischief in the air

and always will be wherever manflies in the face of Creation's plan.

Track One

Voices of two mechanics.

1: Here. This engine mounting's a bit loose if you ask me.

2: Course it is. It's supposed to be like that.

1: Are you sure?

2: Well it's got to give a bit, hasn't it.

1: What do you mean Give?

2: You know, it's got to give a bit in the wind. Like a bridge.

1: Oh I see...(pause) Where does this bit go then.

2: What's that. Let's have a look. Hmm. I dunno. Never seen one of them. Where'd it come from.

1: It was knocking about loose inside.

2: Give us it. Hmm. I'd say that was some kind of retaining plunger.

1: Retaining plunger? What's that? Pervert or something, use it on the missus do ya?

Voice of Pilot: (Sound of riding crop, impatiently striking leather boot) Is this plane ready for take off yet?

2: Almost ready sir.

Pilot: Good.

Take Off. Explosion.

TV News sports reporter's voice: Here are the latest plane crash results from the Air defence games in Germany: Starfighters one hundred and fifty nine: pilots killed one hundred and six. America not out.

Track TwoSong 1 HERO WITH A WING (Folk Rock)

I see myself a herowhile one wing falls awayand the dial approaches zeroin a spiralling display.My past life flashes feverishly,and lives I did not lead,like the time I was a hero,of a weird, outlandish breed.

One arm of flesh-and muscleand one of feathered scaleI was a hero with a wingthat was of no avail.I could only fly in circleslike a corkscrew in the sky,my one wing flapping franticallywhile birds just glided by.

I launched myself from mountainsand from the highest treesalthough I could get nowhereand just landed on my knees.But still I was a hero,with one wing more than most.Almost half an Angel;a whirling holy ghost.

My father was an eaglewith two wings wide as sailsmy mother was the west wind witchwith grasping finger nails.She lured him from his aeriewith her twittering device.She kept him in a golden cageand fed him field mice.

There's only one course of actionleft for me to takeI've tried every switch selectionthat might control this stateI think for my protectionI'd better make it straightinto EJECTIONbetter tell base.EJECTIONthat I think it's a casefor EJECTIONexplode into spaceEJECTIONprotect my faceEJECTION.

The radar screen's projectiontells me I'm too lateto make a course correctionI'm about to meet my fateno time for reflectionI'd better make it straightinto EJECTIONbust through the skyEJECTIONthe air rushing byEJECTIONit's a case of goodbyeEJECTIONi'm too fast to dieEJECTION.

When a ship meets with destructionthe captain stays to drownbut no tin contraptionis going to drag me downmy reference intersectiontells me that I'm boundfor EJECTIONeight times my weightEJECTIONabandon this crateEJECTIONonly one move to makeEJECTIONI've got to excapeEJECTION.

Track Five

INTERVIEW Officer and New Recruit

Officer: So. You want to be a fighter pilot.

Recruit: A Starfighter pilot sir.

Officer: And why particularly the Starfighter?

Recruit: Because sir I am in love with this aircraft. This magnificent engine of steel and gleam.

Officer: That's very poetic. Please continue.

Recruit: This aerodynamic Delilah. Its uptilted wings and sidewinder rockets. Its clear curving cockpit cover, the whirling of dials and needles. The illustrious uniform of the Federal German Air Force. The click of heels in salute, the flare of the jacket, the wide, long-skirted hang of it, and oh, the low shiny peak of the cap.

Officer: I think that's enough.

Recruit: But sir, the danger, and the glory of death. A young and dashing life gone up in flames. Blonde maidens weeping. To die for one's country. To set forth in a silver lance to joust with the forces of darkness.

Officer: They don't always crash you know.

Recruit: It would be an honour to crash in such a plane.

Officer: To be mangled and scorched?

Recruit: To be hideously mutilated beyond the recognition of one's own mother.

Officer: Well what's that black stuff around your eyes. Is that mascara?

Recruit: All right. I can see it's no good lying to you. I confess. It is mascara. Only a little bit.

Officer: What on Earth for?

Recruit: It's my mother sir.

Officer: Your mother?

Recruit: You see my mother was the first woman to fly the Atlantic in a (pause) Gaseo Glider.

Officer: A Gaseo Glider?

Recruit: A machine of my father's invention. You see he was too much of a professional aeronautical inventor to actually fly it himself, so my mother took it, and tried to fly it singlehanded across the Atlantic.

Officer: What happened?

Recruit: She...she crashed. Spun down into the sea and was never seen again. They found only her false eyelashes, floating. And so, you see, ever since I have worn mascara in her sacred memory.

Officer: I see.

Recruit: Well sir. Do I get a plane?

Officer: In view of the confession you have just made, which must have taken a great deal of courage, I consider you an ideal type for the job. There's a plane waiting for you on the runway. The sergeant will give you an instruction manual on the way out. Oh, and by the way, Von Trippenhopf...

Recruit: Sir?

Officer: Don't let the CO catch you wearing makeup on duty. At least not in uniform, you understand.

Recruit: But sir...

Officer: Alright then. But very subtly applied is that clear?

Recruit: I understand sir.

Officer: Right Oh, Von Trippenhopf

Recruit: Righty Oh sir.

Song 3 THE WIDOW'S SONG

I had a man he had wings on his suithe had short hair he was tall he was straightI had a man with a scar on his facehe was a starfighting mana starfighting manand he's never coming tack

I had a man his name was Kurthe never bit his nails he was good to meI had a man who wore jackbootshe was a starfighting mana starfighting manand he's never coming back

I had a man who was arrogant and proudhe had a riding crop he was fearless he was slyI had a man who was a Luftwaffe starhe was a starfighting mana starfighting manand he's never coming back.

Track Six

Voices of German officials. Sounds of aircraft crashing.

I resign...

I resign.. .

I also resign...

I would like to go on holiday

Track SevenSong 4 THE GREMLIN (Part Two)

Death to engines in the airchaos take the human wingdeath to jet and turbo propdeath to stick and death to stringruin to the fuselagedestruction to the aerolondeath to the pilot and his breedwhose daring still goes on and on

no mercy for the rudder barno mercy for the tail planea singe for the handle-bar mustachecremation for the bone-domed braindeath to rockets into spacechaos take the human eggdeath to telescopic sightdeath to radar and fire to flag

ruin to portholes filled with starsdestruction to the airlock's catchdeath to the spaceman and his craftits ugly landing legs despatch.No mercy for the hot-air balloonsno mercy for the thread and kiteholes for the gliders canvas skincramp for the bird man at his height.

Track Eight

Background of beer garden sounds ... singing ... clicking glasses...

Voice of German youth: Do you want to buy a Starfighter?

Silence.

Well buy an acre of land, and wait...

Close up loud belch.

Laughter. Background sounds resume.

Track NineSong 5 CATCH A FALLING STARFIGHTER

Catch a falling Starfighterput it in the pocket of your jeansyou can use it as a cigarette lighteror as an opener for a can of beans.Catch a falling Starfightershine it up and wear it on a chainyou will find that it will be much brighterif you empty out its contentsdown the drain.