Friday, February 25

The boyfriend.

I feel I should say a little more about my mum's boyfriend. I have been threatening to write a book about him since he moved in but I know realise writing about him here would be easier and funnier. By the way, yes, he is completely for real, you can come round my house and see the madness for yourself if you want.He talks really loudly in Spanish all the time. So loudly I can hear him on the phone when I'm in the shower. He has an odd, slightly childish sense of humour, and doesn't really know how to talk to children (which apparantly is what I am). I met him when I was 16, and he kept asking me what toys I had. I asked my mother how to say 'For the love of god man, shut your face!' in Spanish. It was downhill from there. He doesn't work, but lives off his father, who is immensely rich and a bit of a playboy. So he just sits around the house all day. He claims to have a number of 'businesses' but I think it's all a lie as he does his 'business' from our spare room, which he keeps locked all day. I was never asked if I minded him moving in. He just didn't go home one day, and slowly took over the house with his horrendous stuff. First, the kitchen. He likes to cook and felt the need to fill our kitchen with his odd cooking utensils. He believes in making everything from scratch. Everything. He makes his own pasta, his own sushi and his own bread. He looks at me with scorn when he sees me eating packet pasta with sauce from a jar. He also hates western utensils. He ate christmas dinner with chopsticks.The worse thing about him is the smoking. He doesn't smoke cigarettes, but has this thing which apparantly 'extracts the nicotine'. He showed it to me one day. A 'persian smoking pipe' said my mum, 'Look how there is less smoke' they said. It was a giant bong. Yes, he keeps bongs in my house, and apparantly they are good for you. I won't go out with him in public anymore, as he insists on dressing like a member of the russian mafia on holiday. He wears a hat similar to one worn by Zorro, he wears sunglasses all the time, and this massive trench coat that makes him look like a paedophile. He also has a bum bag (fanny pack if you're american) which I have real issues with because it makes him look like a tourist.I really shouldn't go on, but am finding this all very theraputic (sp?). I just don't understand why my mother likes him. I tell her everyday that he is a weirdo but this seems to endear him to her even more. I tell her he is mad, not mad like my grandmother, but mad like Michael Jackson. I might just write down all the random stuff he does this weekend and post it here. And when I'm done with him I'll tell you about his tycoon father, who I openly refer to as 'The Godfather'....