When you’re Kevin Durant, arguably one of the three best players in the NBA today, you can dictate terms. Not only do you have all of the leverage in a free agent negotiation, you can also straight up tell teams where the meetings will take place. Unlike what, say, Dwight Howard or Carmelo Anthony did when going through the summer courtship process – flying to team headquarters, sitting through elaborate boardroom pitches, pretending to care about the strength of the arena’s WiFi network, etc – KD has planned a vacation to the Hamptons, where all the prospective suitors will come to make their case.

The whole thing sounds like a demented version of The Bachelor – Danny Ainge and Doc Rivers forced to share the same bedroom, RC Buford chilling in the corner waiting for his chance to pounce, and James Dolan drunkenly crashing the party and demanding a one-on-one date. In reality, it will probably be more like Weekend at Bernie’s – NBA executives carrying around their dashed hopes for a transcendent superstar like a dead body wearing sunglasses and a track suit.

The conventional wisdom is that these meetings are only advanced scouting for the 2017 free agency period, that Durant will sign a one-year deal to stay in Oklahoma City and reap the benefits of next year’s massive jump in the salary cap. That being said, the NBA offseason rarely goes according to plan. KD might shock the world and bolt for a new team in the haze of a detonated Woj-Bomb.

Theoretically, every team has a chance. Durant’s reps at Roc Nation have already given a hearty “boy, bye” to the Lakers’ clumsy advances and the Knicks are doing Knicks-y things by alleging that broken-down Derrick Rose and Joakim Noah make them championship material. No, Mr Durant’s Fourth of July barbecue is clearly contenders-only. So, besides the incumbent Thunder, who has the best chance at winning the summer’s biggest prize? Let’s go in order of KD’s schedule and analyze the weekend, shall we?

Golden State Warriors

The Warriors, along with the Clippers, will be meeting with Durant in New York City, according to ESPN’s Chris Broussard. Golden State offers the most attractive package of all the teams: a proven champion, a staff that includes reigning coach of the year Steve Kerr and the legendary Jerry West in an advisory role. Instead of joining a work-in-progress, Durant would slot himself into an established system featuring MVP Steph Curry, Klay Thompson, and Draymond Green – arguably the greatest offensive team in league history. The Bay Area is as trendy a market as it has ever been and sponsorship opportunities will be plentiful on an already marketable super-team. If the goal is to win a championship and maximize earning potential, then why not go to Oakland?

Bob Myers’s presentation is sure to hit all of those points, plus whatever he can say about how Durant fits into the Warriors’ tactical scheme. Envisioning KD as a superstar version of Harrison Barnes – play defense, come off screens in half-court sets, run the break, shoot mid-range jumpers when needed, and stand in the corner to shoot open threes off dribble penetration. In other words, the prototypical NBA wing player. What he wouldn’t do is employ nearly as much isolation ball as he has done with the Thunder, a team that has indulged his predilection for hero ball whenever it suited him.

And why wouldn’t they? Kevin Durant is a superb ball handler and can create his own shot. Give the man some room to work. This would be another version of the Miami Heat’s LeBron/D-Wade conundrum – there’s only one ball to go around. The thing in the Warriors’ favor tactically is that Steph Curry is also one of the best off-the-ball offensive weapons in the game. He likes the ball, but he doesn’t need the ball. Assuming Durant can fit into the Warriors’ tight-knit team culture, there’s no reason to think he couldn’t also fit into their offensive scheme. The thought of him going to Golden State should terrify the entire league. If the Dubs had KD picking up the slack in the games Steph Curry struggled in the finals (ie most of them) they probably would have beaten the Cavaliers. Just give them their ring, already.

Los Angeles Clippers

The Clippers’ long-term plan seemed to evaporate last season. Blake Griffin punched the equipment manager, causing NBA analysts (and likely some of his teammates) to lose faith in him. He and Chris Paul injured themselves during their first-round defeat to the Portland Trail Blazers – another year of bad playoff luck for a historically snakebitten franchise. Going to the Clippers would be akin to eating chicken three days after the expiration date: it could be a wonderful, transcendent experience or it could send you to the hospital with fluids coming out of all of your orifices.

DeAndre Jordan, the leading man of last season’s free agent drama, saw his production go down almost across the board in 2015-16. He played in five fewer games, his field goal percentage dropped from 71% to 70%, and brought down almost 200 rebounds less, per Basketball Reference. The only thing that went up was his free throw percentage, which remained abysmal. Chris Paul’s stats also dipped after an MVP-calibre 2014-15 season. He’s now 31 years old and rounding into the final years of his prime, which makes the window for this team far smaller than it is for the Warriors. Plus, this is a team in the Western Conference, so all roads lead through Oracle Arena. The slog of the regular season and playoffs is intense on the west coast, which KD knows already.

This is nowhere close to a sure thing, but the bones of a champion are in place and it’s Los Angeles. Along with Miami and New York, it’s always a decent option for a free agent. But with such a shaky situation with a team that’s known for making terrible decisions, it’s unlikely that this would be much of an upgrade from his current situation.

San Antonio Spurs

Saturday in the Hamptons is dedicated to San Antonio and the Boston Celtics, according to Broussard. The Spurs have the classiest organization in the league and swiped LaMarcus Aldridge to become the heir apparent to Tim Duncan in the Spurs’ frontcourt. I have no reason to assume that they won’t put together an amazing presentation: a winning history; an intricate, yet aesthetically pleasing offense; the chance to learn about both basketball and wine pairings from the best coach/sommelier in the league.

The Spurs’ core is aging and looked outmatched in their series with OKC last year, but Aldridge and Kawhi Leonard are an appealing pair to form a Big Three with. Pop would have to get a bit creative with the spacing, though. KD is a small forward who could play a traditional four if necessary, as his length lets him post up just about anyone in the league. Leonard is a small forward and Aldridge is a power forward/center combo. So where does KD go? Does he switch to a shooting guard spot, taking Manu Ginobili’s position? Or does it even matter? Jalen Rose always likes to say that positions were invented so that a novice could follow the game. That’s especially true today, when undersized frontcourt players who can shoot threes are all the rage. If anyone can figure it out, it’s Coach Pop. San Antonio is a very attractive option, save for the fact that they are also in the Conference of Death.

Boston Celtics

No way this will ever happen. Next!

Miami Heat

OK, in all seriousness, the Celtics are an interesting option, even if the sight of KD in green makes me want to sob uncontrollably. They have been built into a perennial playoff team thanks to coach Brad Stevens maximizing the talent he has at his disposal. Evan Turner is probably gone (hopefully not to the Lakers) which leaves the small forward job open. Jae Crowder could move to the bench and make a run at Sixth Man of the Year honors. The Miami Heat, who present on Sunday, July 2, are in similar straits. They’re good, but they need a new superstar to make them great. They’re also both in the Eastern Conference, which is a currently a hodgepodge of unremarkable teams, plus the Cavs. Durant switching coasts would guarantee a spot in the conference finals every year for whomever was lucky enough to sign him, assuming the Raptors don’t invent a time machine to sign 2006 Kobe Bryant.

The trump card for Miami over Celtics in the Eastern Conference derby is Pat Riley. Riley is a brilliant executive who masterminded the Heat’s Big Three era titles. He’s the kind of guy who can sell a DVD copy of Pauly Shore in Jury Duty to a household with no electricity. He’s that good! If there’s a dark horse here, it’s the Heat.

If I had to rank each team’s chances of getting Durant (the Thunder included), I would say:

OKC (sign a one-year deal, try again for a ring, make even more money next year)

Warriors (best team of the suitors)

Heat (because Pat Riley and the Eastern Conference)

Spurs (best organization)

Celtics (fun, young team, plus Eastern Conference)

Clippers (no way in hell)

Sorry to my Lakers and the woeful Knicks. You both still suck too much.

This article was amended on Friday 1 July to correct the spelling of Pat Riley’s surname.