03/29/2015

The other day I got contacted by a rep from Wallpops asking me if I’d like to try their stickers and blog about them. I have used wall stickers before and I’m a big fan of them. It’s such a simple way to brighten a room.

These guys say their stickers can easily be removed and it made me realise that now was as good a time as any to decorate the little one’s room. I have been promising I would do it for a while now. I didn’t want to do anything permanent that she would grow out of so stickers are the perfect solution.

The walls have been the same colour since we moved here 14 years or so ago. Yellow with white flecks.

So the little one and I picked the stickers she liked from the Wallpops website.

They arrived within a couple of days. Oh no, that meant I had to do it now!

We got a decoration and a chalk board sticker.

Then we went to The Range to get some soft furnishing

A giant shoe bean bag wasn’t really on the list but I couldn’t resist! Also a stool for her desk and a nice soft mat for the floor.

Then we had to paint. Lots of painting to be done. I never realised how frustrating it can be having a small child “help” you paint until yesterday!

But we got there in the end and the little one was very happy.

We waited for it to dry overnight and then it was time for the stickers.

There are no convoluted instructions, which is nice.

And mostly they were quite easy to peel off. A couple were tricky and a couple tore a little as we peeled – but generally it was easy enough that the little one did all the little stickers herself

I put the chalkboard sticker up by her desk. I’d have liked this one to be a bit bigger but it comes with chalk and works very well.

And then the room was done.

I have been struggling with how to get her to put her dirty washing in the wash basket which is in her room. A friend suggested sticking a basketball hoop over it. So I did that too

And now all she wants is dirty washing so she can slam dunk it!

So here we go, the finished room.

I got these products for free so I could try them out but I would definitely buy them. I like the range too. And out of all the stickers I have put up over the last few years, these were definitely the easiest to use – so easy, even the little one was able to do it.

03/27/2015

I have had a few clients who have caused me to examine stuff in more detail. Not just stuff about them. But stuff about me too.

I had noticed that those who had experienced violence as a child didn’t blame the violent parent, but rather blamed the other one for not protecting them. Even though it was clear they were subject to the same violence.

I realised why. I realised that if they blamed their abuser then they couldn’t accept any blame themselves. By blaming the non-abusive parent they keep some of the responsibility.

I looked inwards and reflected on this.

At the weekend I heard Trevor Silvester talk again and he shared this Kelly Clarkson video, like he has before. After the last time I used it often when I spoke with kids.

This time I heard things in the song I’d not heard before. I always thought the song was about her dad. It isn’t. It’s about her mum. Here is an extract:

“I heard you cry every night in your sleep I was so young You should have known better than to lean on me You never thought of anyone else You just saw your pain”

It was quite a revelation.

It made me look inwards again.

And I want to share here what I now realise:

I realise now… that I blamed the wrong person for what happened. That is not to say they were blame-less – but it was merely a deflection.

I realise… no one is to blame. That includes me. Shit happens. It doesn’t always mean anything.

I realise now… that my lack of anger towards him is not healthy. It is not right. I’m working on that. It’s quite a shift. It’s also quite scary. But they say you can’t stop energy, you can merely transform it. So I need to redirect it.

I realise now…I can let go. I know I don’t need to forgive. Forgiving is, in my opinion, an emotionally loaded action. I do need to let go. Of blame. Of that small part of me that remains that believes it happened to me because of me, and not because shit happens and I was in the wrong place at the wrong time.

I realise now…it’s my choice. I can allow people to have power over the way I feel or I can create a surface that their stuff can’t stick to. I just need to think of the little one giggling. That deflects anything negative in an instant.

I realise now…I am lucky. I have had a chance to learn so much and those lessons mean I can help others. Not because I can relate to what they’ve been through – but because I know I don’t have to. Each experience is unique to us. Our thoughts define our experience. I know I can change my thoughts and change my experience, which means I also know I can help my clients to do the same. I just need to work out how.

I realise now…how far I have come. I know what’s possible. I also know how far I still have to go. My moods can swing in a moment from elation to feeling like I’m failing at everything. It passes quickly, but I still take too much on board. I tell myself that one day I will be free of being a screwed up person, but I’m not so sure.

I hope I never lose sight of how lucky I am.

I hope I never lose my passion for helping others become free.

I hope I never lose that belief that anything is possible.

I hope I never lose sight of the fact that we are all in a work in progress, so it doesn’t mean anything when I need to seek help. I think we all do sometimes – and that’s ok.

My publisher (yes I love saying that) interviewed me for the Huffington Post – in the US. As a result I have had 10 new client enquiries from US clients (2 of which I am speaking to today). I have had over 1000 additional hits on my websites. I have gained an additional 23 likes on my Facebook page. And I’ve sold loads more books – getting as high as #8900 in the US Kindle charts and in the top 10 for the different categories the book is registered under.

I have LOVED it. For me it’s a sign of things to come as the book takes off.

While it's nationally recognized that we are in the midst of an "obesity epidemic," our response remains gravely inadequate. Imagine handling the ebola epidemic by saying to those who contracted the disease, "Try harder not to get sick."

Despite what our culture, exercise and diet industries would have us believe, there's growing evidence that combatting obesity is not about willpower. And while our society is indeed structured to make lack of exercise an easy default, and high-calorie, low-nutrition products ever-present, the fact is that people are addicted to food in a way that is killing them. To gain a deeper understanding on the causes and cures of obesity, I interviewed author and cognitive hypotherapist Dawn Walton, who has had surprising success in helping people kick their addiction to food. Her new book, The Caveman Rules of Survival, provides a new approach and new hope for individuals dealing with obesity.

Question: Dawn, how much of your work is with people dealing with obesity, and what do you tell them when they come to you of help?

Walton: About 50 percent of the clients who come to me are for eating disorders and weight loss. I get a lot who are considering a gastric band and decide to "risk" a slightly different approach first. When they come to me I tell them I don't care how much they weigh. Their size is none of my business. What they eat is none of my business. How much they exercise is none of my business. All I care about is giving people the freedom to choose. If someone comes to me to lose weight, then I regard it as equally successful if they lose weight or decide they are happy with who they are. This is different from most people who work in weight loss. Most therapists measure success in terms of weight loss. I measure it in terms of freeing clients up from the addiction for the rest of their lives. My clients never have to diet again.

Question: How do the "Caveman Rules of Survival" help people to see their problem differently? Walton: Most of us believe we have conscious control of our choices. It's simply not true. Your subconscious is in charge for at least 90 percent of the day. That part of your brain is primitive, emotional, and quite frankly, stupid; but it means well. It is always looking to make you feel better. So when you find that eating that bar of chocolate makes you feel happy, even for a moment, you know that comes from your subconscious. If you think about when you have had a stressful day; you get home at the end of the day and feel exhausted. You know that if you eat chocolate you will feel better for a short while. Consciously you know you will feel bad right after, but that doesn't matter because you need something now. Why would you not eat the chocolate when you know it works?

All through childhood we are learning. We aren't just learning at a conscious level, our subconscious is also learning how it can keep us safe and well once we become adults. As it learns a significant lesson, a rule gets written in the rule book. That rule book is then used to guide your subconscious during that 90 percent where it is in charge of your thoughts.

It's a rule in your rule book that creates the link between eating chocolate and feeling happy. Imagine that your mom took you to the dentist regularly as a child. She wanted to make sure you went without complaint so she promised that if you behaved you could have chocolate after. It was important to behave in a way that ensured your mom would love you, so you take the chocolate as a sign that she cared. Your mom is now dead but every time you eat chocolate it reminds you of those trips to the dentist with her and you smile. Once you realize where a connection comes from, you can remove the connection without losing the memory. This is what I do in my therapy practice. We time travel, and looking back on a memory we look at it with a new, adult, perspective. So we might focus on your mother giving you a big hug instead of a chocolate bar. We might imagine you forgetting about the chocolate in favor of having the hug. We might replace the chocolate with a magazine. It doesn't have to be true, it just has to be plausible.

Question: What kind of success rate do you have? Walton: As I have said, I don't measure success the same way as other therapists. I do have stories, of course. I have a lady who has lost over 8 stone (50kg, 112 pounds) over a period of about three years. She now runs regularly, which is amusing because when we first spoke, one of her measures of success was going to be choosing to walk her children to school a couple of mornings a week. Now she runs every morning, and when I tried to arrange to chat to her, she refused because she was doing her run at that time! What I can say is that once you start working with me there are two ways the process ends: You either achieve the freedom from food you want, or you give up. There is not third option where I decide it won't work for you. Question: Could you walk us through the first step you take in working with people? Walton: I start by finding out why someone wants to lose weight; sometimes you just want freedom to choose what to eat, sometimes you want to get in a particular clothes size so you can pick clothes off the shelf, sometimes you can't stand to look in the mirror and you want to feel okay with yourself, sometimes you want to be able to walk up a hill without getting out of breath. This is a critical step. Someone with anorexia might come to me and ask me to help them to lose weight because they feel fat. The problem isn't really their size, it's that they feel fat. This is why I class it as equally successful if someone decides they don't need to lose weight, as if they go on to lose loads.

There are then two things to do. First, we need to break the connection between food and emotion. Second, it may not be enough to just break the emotional connection. If your subconscious has a reason for you being overweight, nothing you do will have the effect you hoped for. Weight can protect you. Maybe it's easier to believe that people don't like you because you're fat than because you're a horrible person. Maybe it stops people seeing your shape so you can hide under the fat. Maybe you have always been the "fat friend" and without that label, you don't know who you are. So that's the next thing I work on, if it applies.

Question: Other than obesity, what else do people see you for help with? Walton: You name it, I do it. I am a therapist so can help with anything. I work with a lot of clients with depression and anxiety. I also work with phobias, which are probably the simplest of all problems I deal with. I work with issues of abuse and trauma. I work with children from 8 to 17. I also work with a number of physical conditions such as ME/CFS (Chronic Fatigue Syndrome), IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome), etc. People usually come to me when the medical profession gives up on them. I haven't had anyone I haven't been able to help yet. If someone is willing to work with me and believes in what we can do together, then I can help.

Question: Now that your book, The Caveman Rules of Survival, is out, what are you doing to reach more people to inform them about kicking their addictions? Walton: The book gets the message out that we don't have to be stuck with stuff. There is a general perception that we will always be an alcoholic or always have to diet. I don't believe that's true. I believe if you get rid of triggers, which sit in the rule book, then you don't have to spend the rest of your life battling your subconscious.

I take a "splatter gun" approach to getting the message out there. Do lots and some things will stick! So I have a blog and a YouTube channel. I have a Facebook page and a Twitter account. I also love doing talks. I did a book launch in my local Waterstones book shop when the book was out. I have applied to do a local TEDx talk. If I don't get that one, I will get another. I have an app to boost willpower and self-control on the app store called "TICIWillpower." I try and find ways that people can experience the benefit of what I do in as many ways as possible, even if they can't afford a session. I also do 50 percent of my business online using Skype and FaceTime, so it doesn't matter where in the world you are, I can help.

Dawn Walton is the author of The Caveman Rules of Survival and a practicing Cognitive Hypnotherapist specializing in food addiction. She runs sessions in person out of offices in Dundee and Aberdeen in the UK, and internationally via Skype and Facetime; most clients only need between two and three sessions to rewrite the rules in their rulebook.

03/16/2015

The little one and I decided to have a little fun on Mother’s Day and sing the chorus to Hozier’s Take me to Church and record it. I say sing, more like shout and wail. But she had a great time so who cares!

03/11/2015

When I was 6 my life had already started to go wrong. I was living with my father and my stepmother. She hated my brother and I, because she hated my mother. Of course, all I knew was that she hated me. I tried to behave so I didn’t get in trouble.

I was neglected. If I did something wrong, like making a mess of my clothes, like breathing, I got hit.

We were fed just enough to give the appearance of being looked after. Just. Barely.

I look at my daughter.

She is happy. Almost always. The only time she isn’t happy is when she is ill or over-tired.

She is not neglected. She understands very well how to listen to her body. She eats when she’s hungry and stops when she’s had enough. She gets praised for listening to her body. She gets praised for trying. She gets told I love her constantly.

She gets hugged all the time. Both of us love nothing more than a hug. If we don’t get enough through the day we catch up in the evening.

I was never hugged as a child. That wasn’t the sort of physical contact I received.

I laid low.

I watch my daughter.

She is bright and loving. She hugs her friends. She speaks out for what she wants. She is not scared of me.

I was always scared. I never spoke out. Except for once. Once when a Social Worker visited and asked if we wanted to live with our dad or our mother. We were told not to let on what happened at home. We were told to answer our dad.

I answered that I wanted to live with my mum.

And so it happened. At 9 I went to live with my mum.

My mum is disabled. She can barely walk and is in pain all the time.

For a short while it was ok. We were fed. We didn’t have to live in fear. We could laugh.

Then one day my stepfather took a stick to my brother as punishment for staying out late (or something). It wasn’t fair. My mother didn’t stop it. The fear was back.

We moved. The fear came back. I lived in fear. I wasn’t ever hit but other stuff happened. Worse stuff than being neglected, hit and half starved.

I lived in fear. And now roles were reversed. I was also the carer for my mother. Eventually she would run to me to stay safe from him. It amused me that it worked. I was the protector and the carer.

My brother ran away. It was too much for him. Then I was left.

I smile at my daughter.

She has never known fear. Not of us anyway. If I shout she laughs. She gets punished but it’s hard to find something that really works. She knows I would never do anything to hurt her. She knows I love her no matter what.

She is secure. She is a child. She plays. She has fun. More than anything. She has fun.

I used to worry about being a mother. How could I possibly be a mother after those examples?

I was wrong. It’s not hard to love. It’s not hard to care. It’s not hard to be kind.

02/28/2015

On the 27th September. Yep. I know, I’m crazy right? I said I’d never run another. Let me give you my reasons

1. I hated the London Marathon because I don’t enjoy running in cities and I don’t like crowds of people. Funnily enough, the Loch Ness marathon has neither of these things!

2. As I prepare for my court case in May, my weight is going in the wrong direction – big time! I know why and there is not much I can do about it, but being forced to get out and run regularly will at least slow the progress in that direction.

3. It gives me a goal that is beyond May to focus on.

4. I can do my long runs through the day when the little one is at school and use the weekends as my rest days. This means it won’t be as disruptive to life as training for the London Marathon was. At the time I was doing a full time day job, attending training in London one weekend a month and trying to train.

5. My plan was to re-claim myself after May with an intense exercise regime. This is perfect for that. I will have 4 months after my court case to train. I already know how to train and have a schedule from the London Marathon. I won’t follow it as intensely but I know the principles

6. I messed up a few things at the start of the London Marathon. I didn’t have breakfast. I started running with friends who did a 9 minute running/1 minute walking technique. I do a “Keep going because if you’ve stop you’ve given up” technique. This meant by mile 6 I wanted to give up. The next 20.2 miles were hell! I’ve always been curious about how it would feel to do it at a pace that was more natural for me.

7. I have a few clients that are either doing it, or would consider doing it. There are currently 3 of us going up there – there may be more!

So that’s it. I am planning to run another marathon. Never thought I would say that!