Tag Archive: cereal

Over the past couple of years I’ve become acutely aware of the fact that I lack a great deal of common know how. I’ve always excelled at school, at one point in my life I could even do Vector Calculus, but when it comes to simple tasks such as folding my clothes without getting them wrinkled, I’m about as useful as a porn magazines for Stevie Wonder.

I simply lack skills that most people don’t even think twice about. For example, yesterday I was bartending at my school for an art event. I was provided with 4 bottles of wine from Danny Devito and Rhea Perlman (their daughter goes to my school and was presenting some of her artwork). Now I had these four bottles of wine to open and honestly, I don’t remember the last time I’ve ever performed this task. I don’t know the difference between Merlot or Savignon or Grape Juice. I’m not cultured like that. Give me a damn long island iced tea or a Blue Moon and let me cry myself to sleep after eating about 8 bowls of cereal.

Anyway…I had my faithful bartending friend, Calvin, thoroughly demonstrate how to open open a bottle of wine, TWICE. He handed me the wine opener and there I went, smushing the corkscrew so ineptly into the cork it began to look like it had gone through a wood chipper. After I had finally gotten the screw into the depth of the cork, I began pulling with all of my Jewish strength away from the bottle. I looked like a guy who got his dick stuck in a Chinese finger trap.

My other friend, Jaoquin, who wasn’t even a bartender, noticed my shining retardation and pushed me aside. He set the small curved metal apparatus of the wine opener on the bottle’s lip, then used LEVERAGE to simply slide the cork out, all of which required the strength and ingenuity of an 8 year old. I looked at him sheepishly and thought to myself, “Wow, Bryan, great job!”

I then poured a glass of white wine for a customer which was filled little chunks of cork floating around in her drink.