Friday, May 10, 2013

BSNYC Friday Fun Quiz!

One of the awesome sponsors of this blog, Walz Cycling Caps, has engineered a Gigantic Freaking Cap:

And a Gigantic Freaking Vest:

And they're putting it on the Gigantic Freaking Joor Muffler Man statue in downtown Esconditio, CA, where the Tour of California will start this Sunday, May 12th:

So go party with it!

***And Now Back To Our Regularly Scheduled Etc.***

Last night I was in Philadelphia:

(He bought it off Ben Franklin.)

But I'll talk about that on Monday. In the meantime, my former intern Spencer (a great kid but possibly the worst intern in the history of interns) forwarded me this yesterday, which you might have seen on my Twitter:

Here’s a firsthand example of the kind of vigilante “justice” Hasidic Jews have long enforced on cyclists in Williamsburg and other areas in which they live. Rafael Huerta was riding his bike home when a Jewish man accused him of slamming into the man’s car, though it’s unclear in the video whether contact was actually made. It looks to me like Huerta was riding safely and near the shoulder of the road, and for what it’s worth, he can be heard saying he “tapped” the car but that no dent was made.

None of this is "unclear" to anybody who's ever ridden a bike, especially in Brooklyn. The guy in the penguin costume was obviously squeezing the cyclist between his shitty van and the parked cars, and the cyclist tapped on the car because, you know, he has a self-preservation instinct. Anyway, here's the actual video:

My religion allows me to wish horrible things on people. This is because my religion is based on happiness, and wishing horrible things on people just feels good. Moreover, despite what your mommy may have told you when you were little, simply wishing for things doesn't make them happen. At all. You have to actually do something--and my religion does forbid actually doing horrible things to people. Horrible things like, you know, threatening someone because you almost killed them with your minivan and then they touched it.

Therefore, if, say, you wish a pack of dogs chews somebody's face off, one of two things will happen:

1) It won't happen but you'll get to enjoy thinking about it;

or

2) It will happen and you can enjoy it because you had absolutely nothing to do with it.

Really, it's no different from a pornographic fantasy. Sure, you can fantasize about having a wild orgy with the cast of "Taxi" all you want, but it's not going to happen--and if somehow it does happen, that's just a bonus, and you can enjoy it while the rest of us throw up.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not wishing a pack of dogs chews this Shomrimjob's face off (or that he gets "double-teamed" by Judd Hirsch and Marilu Henner for that matter). However, I am wishing that Martin Amis finally grows so tired of Brooklyn that he decides to move to Park Avenue where he belongs, and that this guy gets run over by the moving van.

By the way, it's worth noting that this guy is a hateful mobster thug, yet he curses like a five year-old. "Baloney macaroni?" Really? What's he going to scream when Martin Amis's moving van is bearing down on him? "Uh-oh, Spaghetti-o?"

What a dick.

And now, I'm pleased to present you with a quiz. As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer. If you're right that's just fantastic, and if you're wrong you'll see bike to work day.

Thanks very much for sleeping, ride safe, and act benevolently while secretly reveling in fantasies of fantastic violence.

104 comments:

Saw a genuine Hassid! Yarmulke and tzatsikis and everything! I wanted to take his picture and ask where he was from.

Met some hipsters from Wisconsin who were riding from Portland to Vancouver. We got to talking about NYC, and they said that they had stayed with friends in Bedstuy. I started talking about gentrification and how Biggie Smalls childhood apt just sold for $2 million. They said "That's good."

My aunts stepson, who grew up in TN, converted to full Haisidic and changed his name and everything. Moved to NY, was living in a commune or whatever you call it, got kicked out and came back to TN and refuses to work or provide for his wife and 4 kids.

She got a job at a local school and got a taste of the normal life. And then decided to get a taste of some normal schlong. He about lost his mind but I think they are working it out.

For some reason, I assumed Hasids were more serene and gentle (like Jesus, the Amish, or Spicoli) than the rest of us sinners. Based on the asswipe in the minivan and McFly's story, they are all dicks.

A slice of raw bacon slung onto that dude's windshield would have been nice.

Religious fanatics of all stripes are equally insane (and mostly rotten drivers too, because god is with them). That said, recently when I got clipped by a Hasidic van and rolled out of it, some very nice Hasidic men asked me if I was alright. And then if I was Jewish. Harking back to my childhood experiences with the Lubavitcher's Mitzvah Tank I thanked them and told them if they wanted to have a theological battle they picked the right maniac. They backed away.

I don't ask for much, but I think I speak for most of the commenters here (babble included, I'm sure), when I say you really need to find a larger and higher res version of that blonde red shorts woman on the Dutch bike.

Snob, I thought Spencer was the best intern in the history of interns. If I recall correctly, he wrote a pretty good review of a pair of cycling pants. And he even wore them to school. The pants. Which means I guess he was the best intern ever.

On the video: very disheartening. My daily commute takes me down Division --> Harrison --> past Flushing: the worst part of my day, riding that stretch....

Snob, I bought your new book, but practically before I started even reading it I found a typo! It's on page 23: "Of course, there's a middle ground between abstinence and addition when it comes to cycling..."

Can you send someone round to fix it? I already spilled sour cream on the book so I can't exchange it.

I watched the video without sound, so it's just some fat guys standing around gesturing. But here is how a Badass(tm) views the situation. Pulling over to the right is properly recognized as a submissive gesture; that's what cops make you do, and that's where you go to let someone faster pass you. Therefore if someone pulls over in front of you, take advantage of the fact that you're on a bike and can stop on a dime. Then pull around and pass them on the dominant position on their left like the slow-driving little bitch they are, and get on with your life. If they interfere with you again, repeat the above until you lose your temper, at which point, KILL THEM. Don't argue. Are you going to bark all day little doggy, or are you going to bite?

The road rage video launched so many negative stereotype images at once that I just gave up tryingto comment and hereby anoint Polo Shirt Guy "Biggest Pants Yabbies". It took some to insert himself into that situation, extricate the cyclist, and move on without the scene escalating.

Perfidious Albion, Josh Estey's trip was likely cut short due to Perfidious Albion. And he wept because there were no more fixed gear videos to make (his brother in Idaho now commutes on the Surly Steamroller).

My days of throwing bottles, smashing rear view mirrors and keying the cars of assholes who side swiped me are mostly in my rear view mirror. However, had I been the cyclist in that video it would have taken nearly every last fiber of restraint in my being to have kept from dismounting and swinging my bike as hard as I could to clock that piece of shit in the face with my rear wheel or better yet my crankset as it came around. In any event, I do not see that I would not have resorted to (ultra) violence in this instance. Being Jewish (or any other farkate religion) has nothing to do with it. There only two kinds of people on this rock; assholes and everyone else with our Hassidic video star falling firmly into the former category. Fuck him and the mini van he drove in on.

I live in Williamsburg and have never had a problem with the Hasidic population while cycling through town. Oh, wait, you're talking about New York. I live in Iowa. Never mind. Just don't get me started on the Lutherans.

Sponsored Linkway:

About Me

While I love cycling and embrace it in all its forms, I'm also extremely critical. So I present to you my venting for your amusement and betterment. No offense meant to the critiqued. Always keep riding!