Monday, 29 July 2013

Balonews nº 1: Bondage!

No, dear
reader, I cannot refrain. Yes, I already knew that people are silly. Indeed: I was
aware that they are not half as smart and sophisticated as they always pretend to be.
But my oh my: I did not know they were THIS simple, THIS superficial and – let
it be said outright – THIS incredibly idiotic!

Kindly take a
deep breath, then take cognizance of the following most ludicrous news item.

Due to the
success of the erotic trilogy Fifty
Shades of Grey – which apparently describes ad nauseam the adventures of some bored and boring SM-couple from
suburbia – the inhabitants of London are now experimenting with their
sexuality. It seems that their ordinary libido was never strong enough to
inspire them to move into the direction of more kinky activities. But turned
on by this second-hand, third-class, much diluted Marquis de Sade fantasy scribbling
they really got going in the bunga
bunga mode (and we still wonder why the English do not enjoy a reputation for
being irresistible studs…)

And what is
the result? The London Fire Department has just released a detailed list of
what sort of emergencies they’ve been called upon to solve over the last few
months. It turns out that since 2010, ever more people have to be liberated
from the handcuffs with which they are locked to pieces of common furniture. Last
year no fewer than 79 found themselves shackled - I must suppose in a state of extreme
undress – to microwave ovens, bedside tables, flat screen television sets and overhead
fans running at full speed… Without a clue where the keys might be…

That aside, the
fire brigade was called upon 500 times (!!!!!!) to free people from tight rings
around their fingers (marriage rings, we suppose?), 9 people with such a ring
around their virile members (a very large
ring around a very small organ, we hope?) and one fellow who got stuck with his
dick in a toaster oven!!!

For the benefit of certain Liverputians who do not know what a toaster oven is...

Oh dear oh
dear oh dear… Où sont les good old bouteilles de lait d'antan, I wonder…?
Not to mention the vacuum cleaners…

The fire
department says it published this list ‘to warn people to be more cautious’.
Unfortunately they did not (yet) decide to add audio-visual aids to their
warnings, by publishing their pictural findings on YouTube and other social
sites. Is it not high time, I ask, that we caution the public for the Considerable
Dangers of Reading and the Risks involved in ‘Literature’ by showing them all
the ridiculous, ludicrous, laughable, hilarious and ‘stimulating’ footage that
Mr Cameron’s Porno-filter will soon not allow us to see no more??