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Wednesday, July 30, 2014

"And if I'm an ass, that's okay."

I've cooled off since my last post, so I don't think this one will turn into a rant, but I still need to talk about what's been weighing heavily on my heart. So, let's play What Would You Do? Imagine this scenario:

Every so often you meet with a group of women you've gotten to know and like. You get together for a specific purpose. This isn't a coffee klatch or a social gathering, definitely isn't a political event. Up until now the group has been focused and cohesive, the participants respectful of each other and supportive of the work you're all trying to accomplish. It's a fairly diverse group, and you don't know much about each other's world views. Opinions haven't come up for discussion because they don't matter at all in the context of these meetings.

The membership of the group hasn't been constant; participants come and go as their personal lives and choices dictate. So far that's kept everything fresh and interesting. This time there are two new participants. You don't know them, and they don't know you, but in the first half hour one of the new women begins a diatribe about the immigrant children who are coming into America illegally, "bringing strange diseases" that could wipe us all off the face of the earth, and the other new participant joins in, tsk-tsking and contrasting those children against her own immigrant ancestors who followed all the rules. The rest of the group sits in shocked silence. You think to yourself, Why are we even talking about this? This has nothing to do with why we're here.
Newbie No. 1 opines that the parents of those children should be charged with child abuse for sending their children here alone. Another participant reminds her of the dangers the children face in their own country and of the Jewish families who sent their children to other countries in World War II to prevent their being rounded up and sent to concentration camps. Not to be deterred, Newbie No. 2 makes a hand gesture that encompasses the whole group and states, "If they want to come to this country, then the husband and wife need to stay together, work hard, save a little money and then come here legally, the way all of our ancestors did."

A lovely, sweet-natured African American woman has heard enough. "Hah!" she exclaims. "My ancestors didn't come here illegally. Mine were brought here against their will and forced into slavery."

On that note the off-topic discussion ends and the group gets back down to business. But just barely and without the usual enthusiasm. Without knowing or caring who agrees with the newbies and who doesn't, the long-time participants glance at each other, and the expressions on their faces show that they all agree on one thing: something ugly and smelly is now floating in their metaphorical punchbowl.

The second and third meetings are the same. At various times, with no prompting whatsoever--completely off the wall--Newbie No. 1 launches into tirades about welfare recipients, children who get free lunches at school, children who benefit from school supplies donated through the local "Stuff the Bus" program, and on and on about poor people in general. Newbie No. 2 backs her up: "There's no reason for anybody to be poor in this country," she begins. "Three things are all you have to do: graduate from high school, marry the baby's daddy, and stay off of drugs. That's all you have to do." She is a font of advice, having also shared earlier which two shows your children should watch on television and why, in general, children should not watch TV at all, because, you know, "crime and murder and now the gays are kissing."

So, back to you. Let's say you hear all this stuff and you want to speak up. You'd like to express a different viewpoint right here and now, but you know that this is neither the time nor the place. This is not why you're all here, and the entire discussion is inappropriate. Adding your own opinions to the mix would only get the group further off task.

Let me be clear: I'm not asking for your opinion on any of the social issues that were raised, and if you give it to me anyway, I will probably delete it. I'm fed up with listening to partisan opinions. What I'm asking is, would you a) speak up and debate the issues, b) tell the newbies that this is not the right venue for discussing those issues, or c) "be polite" and remain silent, knowing that the offenders might assume you agree with their derisive remarks and offer more of them? And, if your choice was to remain silent, would you feel like a coward and a hypocrite?

*******

This morning, looking for a link to the What Would You Do? show, I came across the video below. The compassionate store customers in this video gave me hope. One of them even gave me a title for this post.

14 comments:

A difficult situation with no easy answer. I've been around newbies like them before. They are always burning to start something and when they involve others and get a good hate going, it's like it energizes them. I would say a, b and c can all be appropriate responses depending on what's being said at the time. I mean the lady speaking up about slavery worked at the time although it changed the mood. Silence doesn't always mean cowardice. There are meaningful silences that let the others know you don't like what they've said. When they get no response, the fire isn't fuelled. There are also ways of shutting them down by saying something like 'well, whatever works for some folks' and then move on before they have a chance to respond. And sometimes just a plain 'I find that very offensive' is called for. These kind can be thick, but eventually they'll either go away or get the hint and keep their ignorant opinions to themselves. Wish I could offer something brilliant, but life's never like that.

SDC, thanks for the thought that you put into your comment. Just to clarify, it wasn't the remark about slavery that changed the mood; it was all the Fox-news-style rhetoric that came beforehand. (I actually wanted to high-five the lady who spoke up about slavery.) I bit my tongue enough in the first meeting that I felt cowardly. When the second meeting was worse, I stayed after and spoke to the leader of the group, as did a couple of others. When it started up again the third time around, I tried option b, requesting that we forgo discussions about controversial issues so we could focus on our purpose for being there. I said it as nicely as I could, but the newbies became defensive and claimed they didn't understand what I was talking about. That meeting, too, ended on an uneasy note. I was so appalled by their utter lack of compassion for relocated and impoverished children--did I mention these women were retired teachers--that I left the third meeting thinking I would never go back. I will, though.

Maybe I'll make a paddle-sign that says "THIS DISCUSSION IS NOT WHY WE'RE HERE" and hold it up if they start in again.

Thanks for clarifying. I didn't mean to imply that her comment was the mood killer. If nothing else works with these two, there's always good old fashioned operant conditioning, aka positive and negative reinforcement. Not unlike what you might do to discourage naughty behaviour in unruly pets and kids :o)

Today I had a similar problem with a visiting family member who made a remark about the the Central American children. I'm afraid I did the wrong thing and offered a differing opinion. I should have kept my opinion to myself, but sometimes it's difficult when the subject is children. Most of the time I don't respond to bigotry, but I do feel cowardly.

I may be out of line, but I'm curious. How did you respond to the very difficult situation? I certainly cannot find fault with any of your options, and I can't think of a better way to cope with the situation.

Thanks, Lucy. I may have answered part of your question about my response in my reply to SDC above. When the two new people claimed they didn't understand my objection to the discussion, I said that I have a big problem with statements that stereotype groups of people who aren't present to speak on their own behalf, that my inclination was to speak out in defense of those people, but that the entire subject was not relevant to what we were supposed to be doing. They still didn't get it.

If the group meant anything to me at all, I think I would have to say something, even if it were no more than, "Don't assume that everyone in this group agrees with you, because I don't." I have done this myself, confronted someone in a group over political dis-information. When she led with an accusation, I was prepared and countered with actual data, until she was eventually reduced to, "I don't want to believe that way." Sadly, she eventually left the group because, I think, she didn't like having to defend her statements. So no one won. But I didn't feel bad because I felt like I had at least let the group know that I did not condone the hurtful beliefs she was spouting. I completely agree with your position on the children, by the way. the average age of these immigrants is 12 years old. Twelve-year-olds who have found their way, on foot, fleeing death threats, through Central America and Mexico to the safety of America. Twelve-year-olds who only want to find their parent or live a life. They are unarmed, carrying no drugs and NOT ill. How is this different than refugees on the Jordanian-Syrian boarder, which we heavily support? I say, get your facts straight first and then speak out.

Annette, I like the way you handled that: "Don't assume that everyone in this group agrees with you, because I don't." Wish I'd said that.

I was offended not only by their bigotry but also by their arrogance in saying all those things without even considering that they might be stepping on somebody's toes. What if one of our members was on food stamps, for example? Or was a lesbian? The African American woman I mentioned in the post told me she couldn't believe they were saying those things right in front of her, as if she wasn't even there. Hearing that reminded me of the scene in The Help when the Junior League types ignored Aibileen's presence while they made ignorant racist remarks.

I know our Newbie No. 1 isn't alone in objecting to immigrants crossing our borders illegally--there's a national debate about the high cost of caring for them--but good grief, why would she object to to passing out privately donated school supplies to needy schoolchildren? Only one reason comes to my mind.

I think I would say something like, "Not everyone here agrees with you, and we're not here to talk politics, anyway, so I suggest we limit our conversations to the reason we're here, and keep all our political opinions to ourselves." If they persist, I might even say, "Maybe you would be happier in a group of people who share your opinions. Feel free to find one." (I'm nice, but I'm not a saint.)

While I do differ from your more liberal views...my conservative nature always says, "Hmmm, that's a great idea but WHO is going pay for that?"

But as a teacher of groups like the one I think you are referring to, I can say hands down she is not doing HER job! And if it were through a community center or school, I would be talking to her bosses by now. She has lost control of her class.

I think as soon as they start up, I would loudly say, "Could we have a politics FREE day today??" I so tired of going home angry from what was supposed to be a fun outing...could we limit the conversation to color choices or the weather??? "

And if your teacher / leader continues to fail to do her job, I would drop out and ask for a refund and gladly tell her why!

Holly, thanks for the suggestions, but I like our group leader very much. If maintaining discipline is not her strength, she makes up for it in other areas. I was happy to see that once I spoke up, others did, too. Maybe good, old-fashioned peer pressure will do the job.

I do understand and respect that people have a right to their own opinions. In this case, however, even if those women had been expressing my own "more liberal views," I would have wanted them to shut the @##$ up and not stir up any antipathy.

Outside of a non-political environment, I like to base my decisions on non-partisan information. It's why I never watch Fox News and why I don't watch MSNBC, either. The latter is a better fit with my philosophy, but it's nearly as biased as Fox.

LInda, you are absolutely right... this is not the proper place and peer pressure could be the perfect tactic! I'm glad you did speak up and continue to do so. Those women shouldn't be allowed to railroad the class!

I don't watch any of those channels and often change the channel when any news show starts in on politics. I most often watch ABC East coast because it's the only channel I get that's three hours ahead... I can record and fast forward through the boring (celebrity crap) and politics. Elections years... I tend to avoid it all...preferring to read about policy issues from the candidates websites.

You are right to avoid the news channels... having worked in tv for so long, I know that nothing makes the air that doesn't please management's agenda. And I don't feel like my brain should have to be subjected to anyone else's agenda... it's loud enough in there already!

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On the Internet to Find the Others

"Admit it. You aren't like them. You're not even close. You may occasionally dress yourself up as one of them, watch the same mindless television shows as they do, maybe even eat the same fast food sometimes. But it seems that the more you try to fit in, the more you feel like an outsider, watching the 'normal people' as they go about their automatic existences. For every time you say club passwords like 'Have a nice day' and 'Weather's awful today, eh?', you yearn inside to say forbidden things like 'Tell me something that makes you cry' or 'What do you think deja vu is for?' Face it, you even want to talk to that girl in the elevator. But what if that girl in the elevator (and the balding man who walks past your cubicle at work) are thinking the same thing? Who knows what you might learn from taking a chance on conversation with a stranger? Everyone carries a piece of the puzzle. Nobody comes into your life by mere coincidence. Trust your instincts. Do the unexpected. Find the others..."

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She cared for those trinkets as if they were cherished heirlooms, rarely displaying them in public. She stored them in protective velvet sacks, drawing them out only when she was alone or in the company of those she trusted to understand why the simple objects mattered. And as careful as she was to protect the trinkets, so she was cautious about sharing her words, and for the same reasons.