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Wednesday, September 28, 2011

An Agent's Inbox #13

Dear Agent:

Like many homeless kids, fifteen-year-old Mathias Drvar died
on the streets. Unlike the rest, he came back--as a vampire.

If Mathias thought being homeless sucked, being a vampire is
worse. The vampires who transformed him believe he is the reincarnation of an
ancient king. They expect him to quit swearing, use a napkin, and play by their
weird, ancient rules. F*** that.

But after the reigning queen assaults Mathias, he has visions
of a past life in which he was that king. Turns out the current queen killed
him then, and wants to kill him again. He’d better grow up fast, because if he
doesn’t his second life may be shorter than his first.

RIDING ON THE TAIL OF THE DEVIL is a 67,000-word YA fantasy.

In February 2010, my short story, “Papap’s Teeth” was
published by Dailey Swan Publishing.

Thank you for your time and consideration,
D.D.

RIDING ON THE TAIL OF THE DEVIL

You know you’ve been
on the streets too long when the sound of an old man peeing in an alley reminds
you of falling rain. Mathias stood, stretched his back, and walked out of
the alley to escape the stench. He beat his hands against his jeans to knock
away some of the grime, but it didn’t help much. He scratched at his head and
ran his fingers through his dirty brown hair.

“Don’t think. Just move.” He raised his head and looked past
the tops of the buildings toward the sky. The sun was bright, a little too
bright, but then it always seemed that way.

The early morning mist still crept its way around the feet
of the buildings. It was a weightless sludge that seemed to drift from the
river, but he’d never been too sure about that. The mist seemed to show the
city for what it really was--old, dirty, and worn. He felt old. Older than he
was, older than he should be, and the way things were going, he’d be dead
before long anyway. If he was lucky, he’d make it another year, but the way
things were going, it didn’t seem likely.

His stomach growled. “F***,” he muttered. Patting his
hands against his pockets, he hoped to hear the jingle of change, but the only
sound was the slight rustle of fabric against fabric. “Great, just f******
great.” Mathias grabbed his bag and ran out into the early morning throng.

Both the query and first page are well-written, and as Casey mentioned, the first line of the excerpt is perfect.

However, the query feels a little spare. Since vampires are so done, I'm wondering what sets RIDING ON THE TAIL OF THE DEVIL apart. We get a taste of it in the query (I like the idea of ancient kings and queens and blood feuds, kind of blending vampire and faerie lore), but if you gave us a little more information, I think you could highlight those unique elements even better.