Friday, May 30, 2008

The 7 Most Pathetic Supervillians in Cinematic History

They can't all be the Lex Luthor or the Joker. Heck, sometimes they can't even be Bruce Banner's dad from Hulk. These 7 Supervillains didn't just fail at defeating their nemesis, they failed at entertaining audiences.

7- Nuclear Man from Superman IV

Boy, was Superman's back against the wall in Superman IV: The Quest for Peace, as he attempted to fend off warring nations while also doing battle with an atomic villain created from the deadly combination of hair, missile, and sun. Just prior to leading the Man of Steel on a 9-minute chase around the world, this blonde nuclear bombshell made the exclamation: "First I have fun," and, along with our current president, proved that a command of the English language is not necessary to be successful in this modern world. What made this super villain so lame wasn't solely the stink-eye he shot Superman every 20 seconds, but also the fact that his powers disappeared when the sun went down and that he refused to trim his two-inch-long, green fingernails.

6- Iron Monger from Iron Man

In Iron Man, Tony Stark is the engineering genius who managed to create a mobile weapon-suit to escape a terrorist enclave, and then, destroy threats to humanity. Obidiah Stane was just some cocky power-grabber who happened to nab Stark's blueprints. Somehow the audience is supposed to believe that a guy using old blueprints and less-experienced workers can create a worthy adversary to Iron Man, just because he made it bigger? Even taking into account that Iron Man is literally fighting with half a heart, the outcome of the battle is never in question. The kicker is when the Iron Monger is almost felled when Stark reminds Stane that he didn't account for freezing conditions affecting performance, which is the super-suit equivalent of forgetting to rust-proof your car.

5- The Killer Shark from Batman: The Movie

Why is this shark included on the list? Simply because he was so very close to killing off that horrible campy Batman from the 1960s and he failed. This shark also seems to have revealed a very troubling Achilles Heel--the tendency to explode when sprayed in the face with an aerosol can--which could really haunt many man-eating sharks in the future. I'd also advise any other sharks who get a hold of Batman's leg to thrash about a bit more when attempting to pull him off of rope ladders. If you don't make a concerted effort to drag the Caped Crusader back into the deep blue, you can rest assured that you're going to get a face-full of that dastardly shark-repellent bat-spray. I do, however, commend your readiness in attaching yourself to superheroes who briefly dip into the water.

4- Red Skull from Captain America

In the comics, the Red Skull creatively derived his name for possessing a skull that was red in color; however, in the magnum-opus Captain America, his head hardly resembles a skull, leading one to contemplate more appropriate cinematic names. Such possible new names could include: Red Wet-Meat Head, The Red Rocket, or Penis Breath. As the clip above indicates, the Red Skull is no pansy, as he easily beats up the best soldier America has to offer, initially making one question his inclusion on this list. However, once the aforementioned clip reaches the 3:24 point, you'll quickly understand why he makes such a horrible super villain. I won't spoil this antagonist's poor decision; just understand that the first rule of being someone's archenemy is that whenever presented with the opportunity to inflict pain upon them, you do so.

3- Dark Overlord of the Universe from Howard the Duck

What makes this massive, evil space-alien so crappy isn't his corny use of one liners ("eat claw duck") or his terrible eye-laser aim. It's the fact that a midget waterfowl in a golf cart is able to defeat him. How tough of a universe could this Dark Overlord truly reign over when bipedal ducks are able to take him down? In fact, placing the adjective "super" in front of this villain's title is a bit of a misnomer when all observable evidence indicates that he poses very little threat to anyone. To make matters worse, the Dark Overlord of the Universe appeared in what many have called The Worst Film of All Time, making him despised not solely by his own merits but by the merits (or the lack thereof) of the people who created him.

2- Mr. Freeze from Batman and Robin

Arnold Schwarzenegger was at the top of his game when he portrayed this down-and-out scientist, who uses winter puns as weaponry. While Arnold's portrayal of this desperate man of science was certainly bad, the movie as a whole was either just as bad or much worse, causing what had been a very successful and lucrative franchise to thankfully end. Besides the ridiculous puns, the over-the-top acting, the corny action scenes (picture Batman and Robin fighting Mr. Freeze on ice skates), the cheap-looking sets, and the nonsensical story, you'd be hard pressed to find any flaws with this very plausible movie. Actually, the only thing less believable than Schwarzenegger as a scientist is Schwarzenegger as a politician....oh, wait.

1- Bullseye from Daredevil

This villain sure is good at accurately throwing things. So much so that he appears to have developed a career out of beating middle aged men at darts (that and attempting to kill blind superheroes). When the audience is first introduced to Bullseye in the ambitious blockbuster, Daredevil, two minutes goes by without him delivering one line (I'm not counting the guttural grunt he emits when asked for one more round of darts). This either makes him appear creepy and dangerous or mute and slow. Unfortunately, we later find out that he is not mute, although the mentally-slow question is never fully answered. Also, when calculating a super villain's lame-score, one should take into account unbelievably precise and intricate facial scarring, which in Bullseye's case registers off the charts.