I just can’t take it any more. I don’t understand how people actually use their computers like this, but they do. Just take a look at Kaspersky’s figures for August 2008. I look after a lot of computers for friends and family, and a dozen machines at work – and none are infected. Then again, all of them are well-protected and used responsibly.

Now, it’s not my intent that anyone actually follow this horrible, horrible advice. It’s just that so many people seem to think this type of behavior is perfectly normal computer use.

So here it is: my 5-point method for turning your computer into a quivering pile of malware-infested, hacker-friendly trash.

1. Don’t bother updating your software. Things like Java, Flash, and your web browser are constantly updating. How annoying is that? If your Flash games play, and the little Java thing is always near your system clock, it’s probably working just fine. Security holes in your outdated internet apps let the information move through faster.

2. Believe everything you see. If a pop up window tells you that Windows has found spyware on your computer or that you have 324 errors in your registry, you’d better click on it. That’s not the kind of thing you want to take a chance on. I mean, the registry is where stuff…registers. And spyware removal software that advertises Shamwow style must be trustworthy, right?

3. You need more free smilies and screensavers. Everyone loves smilies, especially the friends that “msg u bak n 4th @ myspace”. And screensavers? Shut up. I love having fancy animated crap displayed on my monitor when I’m nowhere near it – that’s how everyone walking past knows what a cool guy I am. None of the websites giving this stuff away want to piggyback any nasty BHOs or other malware anyways.

4. Use your main email address and the same password everywhere you register for an account. Why make things confusing? No one will ever figure out your password hint based on details from your Facebook page anyhow. Hackers have better things to do than try and get into someone’s dumb old Yahoo Mail account. Except for that guy that did it to Sarah Palin, I guess.

5. Everything on Limewire is a real video or song. Dude, it’s totally possible to cram Iron Man into a 72mb download, or squeeze Free Bird into a 540kb mp3. It’s called compression. Duh. As if someone could just rename a bogus file the same thing as a movie and hide a trojan inside it.

In closing, I’d like to offer my apologies to the monkey. He’s probably a damn sight smarter than tens of thousands of people surfing the Internet at this very moment.