Monthly Archives: June 2009

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Okay… Just got back from Terminator Salvation. I’ve got mixed feelings about it, to be sure. In many ways, for me, this film could have brought the Termaverse back from the giant suckhole that was T3.

T3 was so horrible to me that I refuse to acknowledge it. It makes no sense thematically, and the action was only moderately good. The most impressive thing about T3 was that Ahnold was able to get back in shape, and that the T-X was smokingly hot. So fuck T3. This is T-S, I won’t call it T4 as that would be a nod to T3 and we’re pretending it doesn’t exist. Lalalalalalala.

So, yeah, gonna bring the series back with this one. And in a lot of ways, it does. We see several important thematic points from the first two films. Mechanical resourcefulness will make it possible to survive in a technological revolution. We create our own destiny. Where we have been and our learned experience/wisdom as an individual, and as a society, makes our existance easier. Finally, after abandoning these concepts completely last time, they’ve been brought back. And this film handles them quite nicely.

On an action spectacle level, this film is astounding as well. Even though the world is only 2 or 3 different shades of grey (with 2-6 shades of orange added in each explosion) it is beautifully crafted. Several occasions I’m sure I was looking at a green screen and hardly noticed. Some of the T-Marcus effects were pretty lame, but on the whole, the film was well shot and well crafted.

The film may have gone over the top in crafting homages to the first 2 films, and some are quite forced, but at least they’re there. The last one, while trying to tell us that our destiny is preordained (which is completely contrary to the entire fucking point of the Terminator saga) hardly had any homage shots at all. I remember 2 shots, and the 3 must-have lines. So again, I was glad to see & hear them, regardless of how forced or frequent they were.

But for everything the film did right, it can’t be forgiven for a gigantic, massive, worthless, annoying and currently unforgivable hole in its plot. OBVIOUSLY THIS IS A SPOILER AND YOU SHOULD NOT READ ANY FURTHER IF YOU CARE ABOUT SPOILING MOVIES ABOUT GIGANTIC ROBOTS BLASTING PEOPLE WHILE FANTASTIC DIGITAL QUALITY SOUND ROCKS YOUR SEATS WITH HUGE FUCKING EXPLOSION NOISES THAT NEARLY TEAR OUR YOUR EARDRUMS TIL THEY BLEED AWESOMITUDE.

Still reading? I fucking warned you.

The whole thing is supposed to be some kind of giant mousetrap thing to catch John Connor.

Let’s review:

Step 1: Clone some random douche murderer.Step 2: Implant robotic shit in him.Step 3: Send him out in the general direction that we, as robots, believe Kyle Reese to be in.

SKKKKKKKKKKKKKRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEETCH.

Woah, woah, woah… Back this turkey boat up. As far as Skynet in 2018 is concerned…. WHO THE FLYING FUCK IS KYLE FUCKING REESE? Skynet has absofuckinglutely no reason two give to crapshits about Kyle Reese. There are 3 people and some destroyed robots in the entirity of the Termaverse who know Kyle’s John’s father. 1 person is dead, 1 person is John, and 1 is his fucking wife. The robots are fucking destroyed.

But Bruce, it’s a sci fi movie… maybe someone with this knowledge traveled forward in time. Or maybe they discovered this information on one of the destroyed robots that knew.

No. No they fucking didn’t. And guess what? Even if one of those things did happen… Guess what? In order to target Kyle Reese we have to make some assumptions. We must assume that Skynet knows John Connor will destroy it. Which it doesn’t. We have to assume it knows Kyle is John’s dad. Which it doesn’t. We must assume that it realizes in order for Kyle to become John’s dad, Kyle must travel back in time to fuck Sarah gently to the soothing sounds of the Terminator Fucking Theme.

One fact we do not have to assume, however, is that Skynet knows changing “destined” events alters the future. We do not have to assume this, because the entire premise of the previous movies are based around this being true. So, if Skynet knows who Kyle Reese is, where he is, and WHAT HE FUCKING LOOKS LIKE… When they find him as a teenager, all they need to do is put a fucking bullet in his fucking brain, and watch him die. Boom. No time traveling humans, no gentle Terminator Fucking Theme, and no fucking John Connor.

FUCK. FUCK FUCK FUCK.

I loved the movie, other than that. Which ruins it. The entire plot hinged upon this one simple bullshit fucking detail… Cocksuckers. Fuck you John D. Brancato & Michael Ferris. You absolutely do not know your ass from a hole in the ground in the Termaverse. STOP FUCKING RUINING IT. When I invent time travel & killer robots, I’m fucking sending them after both of you.

Being a fat guy with glasses can be hard sometimes. There’s this gigantic urge inside you to tear apart everything that you see, bitch and moan about it on the internet, and feel better about yourself as a person. But there are some things… things that are so special… so unimaginably awesome… no amount of nitpicking, growling, ranting, pissing or moaning can make them unawesome.

These things include (but are not limited to) in no particular order:

Finding money.

Video (Home or Professional, it makes no difference) of Explosions.

Zombies. (Important Note: I said Zombies, not Zombie movies. The fictional monsters themselves are incredibly awesome beyond belief. They are not, however, awesome enough to make anything that features them automatically awesome. That’s right, I’m looking at you, “The Zombie Diaries”.)

So, the little bit of TV that I have watched these last few weeks has been full of commercials as always. But one particular brand of commercial has been standing out quite a bit lately. Yogurt. Fucking yogurt commercials are on every goddamn show on every goddamn channel, every goddamn day.

Yogurt commercials, like most commercials for consumables these days, are particularly bad offenders for creating scientific sounding, market-friendly words… or “Making Shit Up”, as they call it in the real world. I don’t know what the flying fuck a B.L. Regularis is supposed to be, but I can damn well fuckin’ assure you it is either:

A) No where’s near as fancy and scientific as they’d have you believe.

2) Real, but completely fucking devoid of any kind of value on a digestive level

iii) Completely and utterly made the fuck up bullshit.

Same thing goes with Omega anything, Pre and Pro-biotic blah blah blah, and whatever the fuck Saturn’s yellow rings are supposed to represent. Which of course, is a whole other ball game. Why, WHY, is all the “good stuff” in yogurt commercials yellow? They’re hinting at it making you crap more, right? If my crap was to come out in yellow balls… well… Let’s just say there’s a short list of things that would make me go to the doctor, and you can be damn well sure that shitting out yellow balls patterned into an arrow shaped form is on that fucking list.

Now I’m so worked up, I’m too fucking lazy to YouTube these piece of shit commercials so I can growl about them more. I fucking hate commercials.