but i can totally relate. i have always been extremely meticulous about my appearance. never felt very good-looking in myself - so i overcompensated in the way i dressed. in college and my younger adult years i wore "costumes" - different styles of clothes to give exactly the impression i wanted (counter-culture, guy next door, preppie, young professional, GQ, etc). now that i am older, i am still careful about appearance - and what is appropriate to the occasion - but i feel more like "who gives a rip about how an old has-been like me looks?"

so - are you going to give us a detailed description of his outfit, too? (just joking!)

i do appreciate the level of anxiety you must have been under. this was your way of making it a bit more manageable. i hope it helped. i just hope you didn't look so hot that he got any ideas... (did that cross your mind?)

Lee

_________________________
How long, LORD, must I call for help, but you do not listen?Or cry out to you, “Violence!” but you do not save?Why do you make me look at injustice?Why do you tolerate wrongdoing?...Therefore the law is paralyzed, and justice never prevails....Habakkuk 1:2-3

Wow, lol. You remind me of myself some years ago! When I got off drugs, I put on some weight (I was practically emaciated on drugs) developed some muscle and actually became quite vain... I guess for me it had a lot to do with the novelty of actually liking what I saw in the mirror. Then I started loosing my hair... oh well, whatever. Now I shave off what little hair I have left, and although I still like to look good, I'm not obsessive about it anymore.

Anyway, I'm with traveler - I hope that controlling what was in your power to control, made the whole even easier.

_________________________
I guess what I'm trying to sayIs whose life is it anyway because livin'Living is the best revengeYou can play-- Def Leppard

so - are you going to give us a detailed description of his outfit, too? (just joking!)

Hahaha. Lee - you know me too well. Of course I am going to say what he wore!..... but first.

I am not always this bad - it was my way of dealing with the stress and anxiety. (I took no drugs)

Reading over this again I have realised what is going on. Probably obvious to you all but wasn't to me. I just thought I NEEDED to feel 'all together' but when I reread it and your replies I realised how fixated I was on looking 'manly or masculine'. I know where this comes from:

a. As a child I was very effeminate and made to feel like a girl because other boys/men had sex with me and I was my mother's 'favourite' and did girly things with here (played with soft toys, sewing, flower arranging etc). I had blonde curly locks and big blue eyes and was often mistaken for a girl. (Gary's post about his brother reminded me of that). My dad and brothers called me all sorts of names (including 'leanne') and even some kids at school. I actually thought I was a girl trapped in a boy's body for a year or so. However as soon as I hit puberty I was unmistakably masculine and I worked it out.

b. when I grew to 6'2" at 13 I was extremely skinny for about a year. (Gecko's post reminded me of that) When I got muscles people (men) noticed me.

c. My need to assert myself as a strong presence that could NOT be taken advantage of anymore

The stupid thing about it was I was making such an effort to look like I didn't care that I would have looked just as good if I had fallen out of bed and thrown on a shirt.

So....The arrival

I hadn't been to his house for 14 years. It was rundown, needed painting, yard needed mowing etc. At the risk of sounding like a snob I felt instantly like he was a lower class of person to myself (In reality I am not that sort of person - I do not care about money and possessions) I walked around the back and expected to see a broken down car in the back yard (there wasn't). I walked up his back steps, took a deep breath and knocked on the door.

When he opened the door I instantly felt sorry for him. He was a broken man - his life is pathetic. He had on an obviously new black polo shirt that hung off his sholders and sunken chest and clung to his big gut. He had on new camouflage cargo shorts and thongs (flip flops). He is 6' tall and has faded black hair which was freshly combed. He reminded me of Darth Vader at the end of 'Return of the Jedi' when his mask comes off. He was pale and had bags under his eyes. There was no life no vitality. I felt compassion for him.

I had planned to make a big deal about how despite what happened to me growing up I did not let it ruin my life and that I have a beautiful family and wife and a great lifestyle. But there was no point. I could see it in his eyes that he felt inferior to me and intimidated. The difference in our status in every way was like chalk and cheese. I realised I didn't need all that 'prep' work to 'beat' him. I already was the better man. He was by far more scared of me than I was of him.

We shook hands and he showed me around his house and told me his plans for fixing it up (when he can afford it)

I opened the packet of Tim Tams I brought with me as an ice breaker and he made 2 cups of tea......

I spoke softly but purposefully. I started by saying that what happened between us all those years ago was betwwen us and I wanted it to stay that way. I did not want him to let anyone else in the family know about my visit or any of the details we shared here. He agreed. I reassured him that I had no intention of filling charges against him and I wanted this to be healing for us both.

I felt like I was talking to a fellow survior. I let him speak first .......

I AM sorry for all the suspense but I can't handle talking about it in one go.

Lee

PS

Originally Posted By: traveler

i just hope you didn't look so hot that he got any ideas... (did that cross your mind?)

If anything I thought it was a chance to say look what you can't have anymore and how empowering it would be to stop it.

I am not always this bad - it was my way of dealing with the stress and anxiety. (I took no drugs)

dude - it was the ONE thing you could control. no wonder you went overboard.

Originally Posted By: Farmer Boy

When he opened the door I instantly felt sorry for him. He was a broken man - his life is pathetic. ... There was no life no vitality. I felt compassion for him. ... I could see it in his eyes that he felt inferior to me and intimidated. The difference in our status in every way was like chalk and cheese. I realised I didn't need all that 'prep' work to 'beat' him. I already was the better man. He was by far more scared of me than I was of him.

your humanity shines through here. a victim often has more compassion than one who has not suffered as much. interesting that bullies and perps are often frightened when confronted by truth. perhaps proving his guilt?

Originally Posted By: Farmer Boy

I opened the packet of Tim Tams I brought with me as an ice breaker and he made 2 cups of tea......

Quite a peace offering - that had to make an impression! i am salivating right now!

Originally Posted By: Farmer Boy

I spoke softly but purposefully. I started by saying that what happened between us all those years ago was betwwen us and I wanted it to stay that way. I did not want him to let anyone else in the family know about my visit or any of the details we shared here. He agreed. I reassured him that I had no intention of filling charges against him and I wanted this to be healing for us both.

i am very proud of you.

Originally Posted By: Farmer Boy

I felt like I was talking to a fellow survior. I let him speak first .......

you ARE both survivors - but it sounds like YOU have overcome more and ended up better off than him. chances are he hasn't really worked at it like you have. maybe still in denial? whereas you - even by taking this trip have shown your strength. well done on that count.

Originally Posted By: Farmer Boy

I AM sorry for all the suspense but I can't handle talking about it in one go.

don't rush it. we'll still be here...

Originally Posted By: Farmer Boy

If anything I thought it was a chance to say look what you can't have anymore and how empowering it would be to stop it.

OK - but it easily could have sent mixed messages.

Lee, it sounds like you are doing well. just be prepared for a slump or emotional backlash. often after a high - there is a sudden and unexpected low. forewarned is forearmed.Lee

_________________________
How long, LORD, must I call for help, but you do not listen?Or cry out to you, “Violence!” but you do not save?Why do you make me look at injustice?Why do you tolerate wrongdoing?...Therefore the law is paralyzed, and justice never prevails....Habakkuk 1:2-3

You two Lees are terrible good in combination Lee Farmer Boy - thank you for sharing with us your journey, you brought us the moment, the scenery, main characters, their appearances, all emotions, uneasy feelings, worry and anxiety before disclosure with your half brother. I'm glad that you felt compassion toward him and that you two were meet like two survivors. That was so moving. I can't wait for other parts. Please take it slowly and don't push yourself, we are her for you and we will wait.

Lee - Traveler, wow, you are so kind and full of wisdom toward Lee, lol, your guidance is inspiring.

I just re-read the post about my 'prep' for the meeting. I was really just relaying what went through my head as I got ready and did not intend to give such a detailed discription on my appearance in the process.

To be honest if I read that about someone else I would feel both inadequate as a man and need a cold shower.

I of all people no how fragile our self-image can be. Sorry if my detailed description of what I look like caused problems for anyone. You are all my friends and I am embarrassed to think that I may have done that.

Sorry about the change of title - It just seems so appropiate for our 'talk'. I have to admit that in my family the Vampire myth is a reality (except for me I hope. Lol)

So it has been a rough couple of days for me.

I think it has taken a little while for the stuff we talked about to sink in and to 'test' what he said against what I already know. I have come to realise that I can not 100% believe everything he said. He was obviously trying to make himself look 'less guilty'.

So his story.... Interview With A Vampire (Readers Digest Version)

Starts with my dad! My dad used to 'watch' him take a bath on his weekends when he was single. My brother would have been maybe 3-4. He said he never touched him but the way he looked at him naked in the bath freaked him out. (I can see that happening - my dad has made me feel weird too)

He told me about his crappy upbringing (living with his mum in trailer parks and the physical abuse from her boyfriends). He has another 6 half brothers and sisters from 4 different dads on his mum's side. He was never wanted at either house and my mum hated him. (I can see how he 'wins' on this one)

As suspected he was abused himself but all 'touchy feely', 'show and tell' stuff - volumns of it - but most with boys and girls of a similar age (always with the other child as the instigator) Hmmmm. There was one incident where some boys father took naked pics of the all together 'touching eachother) Not that that stuff isn't enough to mess you up but I assumed his abuse would be similar to what he did to me.

He told me what happened between him and my other brother (They were probably about 16 and 10 but he says 13 and 7) - which he says was initiated by my middle brother. They played 'Dick Surgery' (the same friend that abused me with my middle brother taught him the game). This continues for months and included oral, mutual J/Os and attempted anal. My half brother still takes responsibility because he was older. THIS WAS A SHOCK!!!! I had assumed that my half brother had abused my middle brother too - not that it was a mutual sexual relationship/experimentation thing. Now I have time to think about it - it makes sense - but makes me feel sick. This knowledge is by far one of the hardest things for me to get my head around.

He said that the stuff with my middle brother was 'worse' than with me - meaning more often and varied. I pointed out that they both had prior experience and were closer in age and that it was actually 'WORSE' what he did to me because I was only 3 or 4 and he was 10 years older and it was VERY one sided.

He said when he thinks about what he did it horrifies him that he actually did it - I believed him - it seemed genuine but now I'm not sure if he was just in damage control mode. Saying what I need to hear.

He also told me that he had made me tough him in 'my room'. I only have memories of stuff happening in 'his room'. This scares me that i can't remember that.

My parents never said anything to him about abusing me.

He still has unwanted urges around young teen girls - but he says he shuts them down and does not feed them. He has no SSA apparently - Traveler - looks like I didn't have to worry about being too hot.

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