Some letters I would really like to write

Published: Friday, February 15, 2013 at 4:30 a.m.

Last Modified: Thursday, February 14, 2013 at 12:12 p.m.

Are you out of your mind? I like clocks as well as the next guy, but I have never, not one single time, been intrigued enough by one to drive one inch out of my way to go visit one.

Spend the money on wiring so that during the next Apple Festival the vendors can set up in the middle of the street facing the stores of the downtown merchants. The folks who make their living selling food and stuff on Main Street are pretty tired of having to watch thousands of festival attendees getting headed off at the pass by out-of-town festival vendors whose rear ends are currently planned to be facing the local merchants.

Sincerely,

Chip

uuu

To: The people handling the sale of the former Hendersonville Christian School.

As far as I can ascertain, the teachers who were illegally cheated out of two months’ pay have not been considered at all. They have a decision from the labor board over in Raleigh in their favor.

Somebody famous once said that where justice is denied, contempt for authority is nurtured. I think it was King Solomon, and if I were one of those teachers, I would be feeling some contempt right about now.

Sincerely,

Chip

uuu

To: The citizenry in Flat Rock Village.

A few months ago, you could have had a free park where Highland Lake golf course now stands. The only thing the county and the soccer association wanted was to let kids play soccer games there 20-25 days a year.

Now I see where the debate is on how much more than a million dollars it is going to cost the village. Seems like a high price to pay just to keep the riff-raff out. You have my sympathies.

Sincerely,

Chip

uuu

To: Blue Ridge Community College.

One of my favorite relatives transferred from your college to Haywood Community College this semester. Forestry is not offered here, so we thought it would be easy to get his transcripts moved.

The transcript you handed him, however, wasn’t the official transcript. So his mama had to go and pay again and then hunt up a notary, which apparently isn’t available at the college, and send that up with said young favorite relative.

When said young ’un opened the envelope to examine his own records, they then became his violated transcripts. Another trip to the BRCC campus. Another fee. Another trip to the bank to stand in line for a notary.

I support BRCC wholeheartedly. It’s where I took cabinetmaking and business. It’s where I met and wooed my lovely and extremely talented wife. I don’t begrudge it one penny of public money, but … could you spend a dollar or two and hire a notary?

While you’re at it, maybe a long-distance phone plan so someone could call another publicly funded college and say, “Hey, that’s the same thing it says here on his school transcripts. No need for anyone to spend two more hours driving and pay another fee. Have a nice day.”

That wood, when dried to 19 percent moisture content, is what I was going to use on a job that my family depends on to put beans and bread on the table. Also gas — lots of money for gas. That is, before you left it uncovered in the rain. Now it’s soaked, the black stain is into it and it’s ruined.

I called the sheriff. Both I and the deputy who took my report know there‘s not a pig’s whisker of a chance of you being caught this time, but that trail-cam I hid will sure put you on the wanted list if you ever come back again.

Sincerely,

Chip

uuu

To: The PETA lady who called the Wildlife Commission complaining about a “poor little deer chained to a dumpster.”

Lady, I shoot indoor 3-D archery at Heritage Outdoors every Thursday. I’m tired of getting beat by every kid, girl and geezer in the place. I put that deer, made in Burnsville in a mold with poly-foam, out by the dumpster to have something to practice on. There was no chain, as the giggling Wildlife official who showed up noted in his report. Though, since the guy who stole my metal must have also stolen my deer, I’m thinking about putting a chain on the next one.

<p>To: The guy in charge of spending money on a downtown clock.</p><p>Are you out of your mind? I like clocks as well as the next guy, but I have never, not one single time, been intrigued enough by one to drive one inch out of my way to go visit one.</p><p>Spend the money on wiring so that during the next Apple Festival the vendors can set up in the middle of the street facing the stores of the downtown merchants. The folks who make their living selling food and stuff on Main Street are pretty tired of having to watch thousands of festival attendees getting headed off at the pass by out-of-town festival vendors whose rear ends are currently planned to be facing the local merchants.</p><p>Sincerely,</p><p>Chip</p><p>uuu</p><p>To: The people handling the sale of the former Hendersonville Christian School.</p><p>As far as I can ascertain, the teachers who were illegally cheated out of two months' pay have not been considered at all. They have a decision from the labor board over in Raleigh in their favor.</p><p>Somebody famous once said that where justice is denied, contempt for authority is nurtured. I think it was King Solomon, and if I were one of those teachers, I would be feeling some contempt right about now.</p><p>Sincerely,</p><p>Chip</p><p>uuu</p><p>To: The citizenry in Flat Rock Village.</p><p>A few months ago, you could have had a free park where Highland Lake golf course now stands. The only thing the county and the soccer association wanted was to let kids play soccer games there 20-25 days a year.</p><p>Now I see where the debate is on how much more than a million dollars it is going to cost the village. Seems like a high price to pay just to keep the riff-raff out. You have my sympathies.</p><p>Sincerely,</p><p>Chip</p><p>uuu</p><p>To: Blue Ridge Community College.</p><p>One of my favorite relatives transferred from your college to Haywood Community College this semester. Forestry is not offered here, so we thought it would be easy to get his transcripts moved.</p><p>The transcript you handed him, however, wasn't the official transcript. So his mama had to go and pay again and then hunt up a notary, which apparently isn't available at the college, and send that up with said young favorite relative.</p><p>When said young 'un opened the envelope to examine his own records, they then became his violated transcripts. Another trip to the BRCC campus. Another fee. Another trip to the bank to stand in line for a notary.</p><p>I support BRCC wholeheartedly. It's where I took cabinetmaking and business. It's where I met and wooed my lovely and extremely talented wife. I don't begrudge it one penny of public money, but … could you spend a dollar or two and hire a notary?</p><p>While you're at it, maybe a long-distance phone plan so someone could call another publicly funded college and say, “Hey, that's the same thing it says here on his school transcripts. No need for anyone to spend two more hours driving and pay another fee. Have a nice day.”</p><p>Really.</p><p>Sincerely,</p><p>Chip</p><p>uuu</p><p>To: The low-down skunk who stole the metal roofing sheets covering my woodpile two weeks ago.</p><p>That wood, when dried to 19 percent moisture content, is what I was going to use on a job that my family depends on to put beans and bread on the table. Also gas — lots of money for gas. That is, before you left it uncovered in the rain. Now it's soaked, the black stain is into it and it's ruined.</p><p>I called the sheriff. Both I and the deputy who took my report know there's not a pig's whisker of a chance of you being caught this time, but that trail-cam I hid will sure put you on the wanted list if you ever come back again.</p><p>Sincerely,</p><p>Chip</p><p>uuu</p><p>To: The PETA lady who called the Wildlife Commission complaining about a “poor little deer chained to a dumpster.”</p><p>Lady, I shoot indoor 3-D archery at Heritage Outdoors every Thursday. I'm tired of getting beat by every kid, girl and geezer in the place. I put that deer, made in Burnsville in a mold with poly-foam, out by the dumpster to have something to practice on. There was no chain, as the giggling Wildlife official who showed up noted in his report. Though, since the guy who stole my metal must have also stolen my deer, I'm thinking about putting a chain on the next one.</p><p>Or was it you who “liberated” the poor little fake deer?</p><p>Sincerely,</p><p>Chip</p>