Penn Satire, Since 1899

Asian Actors

I saw a news article the other day about sex and pandas. Veterinarians were trying to get this guy panda to do this chick panda for purposes of procreation. The problem was, an evangelical Christian panda president had succeeded in pushing a socially conservative panda agenda, so there was no panda sex education. Long story short, this guy had the equipment, but no manual. The solution, as with all important problems, was “pornography.” They showed this guy panda video of pandas fucking, and it worked. The guy panda was inspired—he learned from the video and now has a fulfilling intimate relationship and many panda children.

The moral of the story is this: we learn by emulating role models. If it works for horny but clueless pandas, it should work for horny but clueless me.

Of course, I have plenty of videos of fucking pandas, and I now consider myself an expert in pleasuring lady pandas according to the directives of the panda sutra. Unfortunately, I haven’t yet worked up the courage to approach them, I just can’t stop giggling whenever I see them and smiling in an overtly exaggerated fashion, much like an anime face.

The problem is that there really aren’t role models for Asian guys out there, panda or human. Not just in porn, but in the media in general. Asians are not really a minority to complain; after all, as Asians are statistically richer and smarter than white people (Zing! Count it!), it seems kind of churlish to be complaining about the lack of Japanese movie stars. OK—so there’s Lucy Liu. That’s legit. And then there’s that actress from Sideways and Grey’s Anatomy. Ok—so there are a few Asian women actors to satisfy the guys out there that suffer from yellow fever.

The real problem is with the lack of Asian guys—here’s a quiz with questions in ascending order of difficulty.

1. Think of an Asian movie actor.2. Now think of an Asian movie actor that isn’t Jackie Chan.3. Now think of an Asian movie actor that doesn’t do kung fu.4. Now think of an Asian movie actor that helps a crew of military pilots smuggle a ceremonial elephant into a remote village in a Disney comedy that will delight the entire family.

Without role models in the media, it’s hard to know how to behave. Without Snoop Dogg, how would young black men from the LBC know how to add “izzle” onto words? Without Britney Spears, how would twelve year old white girls know how to dress? Without Srinivasa Ramanujan, how would young Indian men know how to tackle mock theta functions?

Young Asian men who want to do something with their lives besides hurling hordes of evil henchmen through panes of glass or going to med school or knocking down that fucking wall (you’re assholes, China, seriously) need badass role models in the media. Harold from White Castle is a start, but we’re still about twenty “Better Luck Tomorrow”s away from cultural relevance, or even really getting taken seriously. Which is probably fine, because most of us are walking calculators who are petrified of our over-bearing slave-driving parents. But once we become more Americanized, and get stupider and better at sports and drinking and being tall, you better be ready to take us seriously.

A white guy would know what to do if he wanted to seduce his immigrant hotel maid because he’s seen Ralph Fiennes do it in Maid in Manhattan. A black guy would know what do if vampires wanted to summon their blood demon because Wesley Snipes showed us how’s it’s done. But look what happened when Tom Cruise went out to exterminate the samurai way of life? We Asians eventually got our shit ruined. The point is, when I go to the movies, I can’t feel outrage because I’m not really a minority, and I can’t feel prideful because Tom Cruise killed one of my ancestors who spoke Engrish, and that’s just starting to get to me. The answer isn’t more cultural “awareness”, because let’s face it- all that means is more Asian kids getting together for “dumpling night!” and celebrating how awesome our form of pastries are.

No, it’s time for drastic action. The only viable solution is to kill Tom Cruise. I’m sorry, Tom, but it’s the only way. We don’t have a man to oppress us, so it’s gotta be someone, and it may as well be you. I’d say let’s go knock down that wall (you’re too big for your britches, China, you gotta get taken down a peg or two) or fuck some pandas, but that’s too iconic-ly Asian. No, we have to kill Tom in a decidedly un-Asian way, something that doesn’t involve ninjas or throwing stars or super sweet ninja-flips! And we can’t kill him using our brains, because that’s too Asian-cliché. No, we have to burn Tom Cruise at the stake using gasoline, and there shall be no suped-up import motorcycles or customized Hondas present for the ceremony. And we have to overpower him by raw stupid inferior fighting methods, like boxing, or wrestling, even though we all know karate, and then we have to get caught for it, instead of quietly sabotaging his finances through our ability to program computers at will. We must do a horrible job, and then rationalize it by claiming we did out best, and then go on to middling second tier private colleges in New Hampshire and Maine-

Or I could just stop watching movies where Asians are portrayed in stereotypical fashions. But where’s the fun in that? Ninjas are still pretty fucking cool.