Always Our Children:
A Pastoral Message to Parents
of Homosexual Children
and Suggestions for Pastoral Ministers

A Statement of the Bishops' Committee on Marriage and Family

Preface

The purpose of this pastoral message is to reach out to parents
trying to cope with the discovery of homosexuality in their adolescent or
adult child. It urges families to draw upon the reservoirs of faith, hope,
and love as they face uncharted futures. It asks them to recognize that the
Church offers enormous spiritual resources to strengthen and support them
at this moment in their family's life and in the days to come.

This message draws upon the Catechism of the Catholic Church, the teachings
of Pope John Paul II, and statements of the Congregation for the Doctrine
of the Faith and of our own conference. This message is not a treatise on
homosexuality. It is not a systematic presentation of the Church's moral teaching.
It does not break any new ground theologically. Rather, relying on the Church's
teaching, as well as our own pastoral experience, we intend to speak words
of faith, hope, and love to parents who need the Church's loving presence
at a time that may be one of the most challenging in their lives. We also
hope this message will be helpful to priests and pastoral ministers who often
are the first ones parents or their children approach with their struggles
and anxieties.

In recent years we have tried to reach out to families in difficult circumstances.
Our initiatives took the form of short statements, like this one, addressed
to people who thought they were beyond the Church's circle of care. Always
Our Children follows in the same tradition.

This message is not intended for advocacy purposes or to serve a particular
agenda. It is not to be understood as an endorsement of what some call a "homosexual
lifestyle." Always Our Children is an outstretched hand of the
bishops' Committee on Marriage and Family to parents and other family members,
offering them a fresh look at the grace present in family life and the unfailing
mercy of Christ our Lord.

An even more generous, intelligent and prudent pastoral commitment, modeled on the Good Shepherd, is called for in cases of families which, often independently of their own wishes and through pressures of various other kinds, find themselves faced by situations which are objectively difficult.

- John Paul II, On the Family, 1981, no. 77

A Critical Moment, A Time of Grace

As you begin to read this message you may feel that your life
is in turmoil. You and your family might be faced with one of the difficult
situations of which our Holy Father speaks:

You think your adolescent child is experiencing a same-sex
attraction and/or you observe attitudes and behaviors that you find confusing
or upsetting or with which you disagree.

Your son or daughter has made it known that he or she
has a homosexual orientation.

You experience a tension between loving your child as
God's precious creation and not wanting to endorse any behavior you know
the Church teaches is wrong.

You need not face this painful time alone, without human assistance
or God's grace. The Church can be an instrument of both help and healing.
This is why we bishops, as pastors and teachers, write to you.

In this pastoral message, we draw upon the gift of faith as well as the sound
teaching and pastoral practice of the Church to offer loving support, reliable
guidance, and recommendations for ministries suited to your needs and to those
of your child. Our message speaks of accepting yourself, your beliefs and
values, your questions, and all you may be struggling with at this moment;
accepting and loving your child as a gift of God; and accepting the full truth
of God's revelation about the dignity of the human person and the meaning
of human sexuality. Within the Catholic moral vision there is no contradiction
among these levels of acceptance, for truth and love are not opposed. They
are inseparably joined and rooted in one person, Jesus Christ, who reveals
God to be ultimate truth and saving love.

We address our message also to the wider church community, and especially
to priests and other pastoral ministers, asking that our words be translated
into attitudes and actions that follow the way of love, as Christ has taught.
It is through the community of his faithful that Jesus offers you hope, help,
and healing, so your whole family might continue to grow into the intimate
community of life and love that God intends.

Accepting Yourself

Because some of you might be swept up in a tide of emotions,
we focus first on feelings. Although the gift of human sexuality can be a
great mystery at times, the Church's teaching on homosexuality is clear. However,
because the terms of that teaching have now become very personal in regard
to your son or daughter, you may feel confused and conflicted.

You could be experiencing many different emotions, all in varying degrees,
such as the following:

Relief. Perhaps you had sensed for some time that your son or daughter
was different in some way. Now he or she has come to you and entrusted something
very significant. It may be that other siblings learned of this before you
and were reluctant to tell you. Regardless, though, a burden has been lifted.
Acknowledge the possibility that your child has told you this not to hurt
you or create distance, but out of love and trust and with a desire for honesty,
intimacy, and closer communication.

Anger. You may be feeling deceived or manipulated by your son or daughter.
You could be angry with your spouse, blaming him or her for "making the
child this way"—especially if there has been a difficult parent-child
relationship. You might be angry with yourself for not recognizing indications
of homosexuality. You could be feeling disappointment, along with anger, if
family members, and sometimes even siblings, are rejecting their homosexual
brother or sister. It is just as possible to feel anger if family members
or friends seem overly accepting and encouraging of homosexuality. Also—and
not to be discounted—is a possible anger with God that all this is happening.

Mourning. You may now feel that your child is not exactly the same
individual you once thought you knew. You envision that your son or daughter
may never give you grandchildren. These lost expectations as well as the fact
that homosexual persons often encounter discrimination and open hostility
can cause you great sadness.

Fear. You may fear for your child's physical safety and general welfare
in the face of prejudice against homosexual people. In particular, you may
be afraid that others in your community might exclude or treat your child
or your family with contempt. The fear of your child contracting HIV/AIDS
or another sexually transmitted disease is serious and ever-present. If your
child is distraught, you may be concerned about attempted suicide.

Guilt, Shame, and Loneliness. "If only we had . . . or had not
. . ." are words with which parents can torture themselves at this stage.
Regrets and disappointments rise up like ghosts from the past. A sense of
failure can lead you into a valley of shame which, in turn, can isolate you
from your children, your family, and other communities of support.

Parental Protectiveness and Pride. Homosexual persons often experience
discrimination and acts of violence in our society. As a parent, you naturally
want to shield your children from harm, regardless of their age. You may still
insist: "You are always my child; nothing can ever change that. You are
also a child of God, gifted and called for a purpose in God's design."

There are two important things to keep in mind as you try to sort out your
feelings. First, listen to them. They can contain clues that lead to a fuller
discovery of God's will for you. Second, because some feelings can be confusing
or conflicting, it is not necessary to act upon all of them. Acknowledging
them may be sufficient, but it may also be necessary to talk about your feelings.
Do not expect that all tensions can or will be resolved. The Christian life
is a journey marked by perseverance and prayer. It is a path leading from
where we are to where we know God is calling us.

Accepting Your Child

How can you best express your love—itself a reflection of
God's unconditional love—for your child? At least two things are necessary.

First, don't break off contact; don't reject your child. A shocking number
of homosexual youth end up on the streets because of rejection by their families.
This, and other external pressures, can place young people at a greater risk
for self-destructive behaviors like substance abuse and suicide.

Your child may need you and the family now more than ever. He or she is still
the same person. This child, who has always been God's gift to you, may now
be the cause of another gift: your family becoming more honest, respectful,
and supportive. Yes, your love can be tested by this reality, but it can also
grow stronger through your struggle to respond lovingly.

The second way to communicate love is to seek appropriate help for your child
and for yourself. If your son or daughter is an adolescent, it is possible
that he or she may be displaying traits which cause you anxiety such as what
the child is choosing to read or view in the media, intense friendships, and
other such observable characteristics and tendencies. What is called for on
the part of parents is an approach which does not presume that your child
has developed a homosexual orientation, and which will help you maintain a
loving relationship while you provide support, information, encouragement,
and moral guidance. Parents must always be vigilant about their children's
behavior and exercise responsible interventions when necessary.

In many cases, it may be appropriate and necessary that your child receive
professional help, including counseling and spiritual direction. It is important,
of course, that he or she receive such guidance willingly. Look for a therapist
who has an appreciation of religious values and who understands the complex
nature of sexuality. Such a person should be experienced at helping people
discern the meaning of early sexual behaviors, sexual attractions, and sexual
fantasies in ways that lead to more clarity and self-identity. In the course
of this, however, it is essential for you to remain open to the possibility
that your son or daughter is struggling to understand and accept a basic homosexual
orientation.

The meaning and implications of the term homosexual orientation are not universally
agreed upon. Church teaching acknowledges a distinction between a homosexual
"tendency," which proves to be "transitory," and "homosexuals
who are definitively such because of some kind of innate instinct"(Congregation
for the Doctrine of the Faith, Declaration on Certain Questions Concerning
Sexual Ethics, 1975, no. 8).

In light of this possibility, therefore, it seems appropriate to understand
sexual orientation (heterosexual or homosexual) as a deep-seated dimension
of one's personality and to recognize its relative stability in a person.
A homosexual orientation produces a stronger emotional and sexual attraction
toward individuals of the same sex, rather than toward those of the opposite
sex. It does not totally rule out interest in, care for, and attraction toward
members of the opposite sex. Having a homosexual orientation does not necessarily
mean a person will engage in homosexual activity.

There seems to be no single cause of a homosexual orientation. A common opinion
of experts is that there are multiple factors—genetic, hormonal, psychological—that
may give rise to it. Generally, homosexual orientation is experienced as a
given, not as something freely chosen. By itself, therefore, a homosexual
orientation cannot be considered sinful, for morality presumes the freedom
to choose.1

Some homosexual persons want to be known publicly as gay or lesbian. These
terms often express a person's level of self-awareness and self-acceptance
within society. Though you might find the terms offensive because of political
or social connotations, it is necessary to be sensitive to how your son or
daughter is using them. Language should not be a barrier to building trust
and honest communication.

You can help a homosexual person in two general ways. First, encourage him
or her to cooperate with God's grace to live a chaste life. Second, concentrate
on the person, not on the homosexual orientation itself. This implies respecting
a person's freedom to choose or refuse therapy directed toward changing a
homosexual orientation. Given the present state of medical and psychological
knowledge, there is no guarantee that such therapy will succeed. Thus, there
may be no obligation to undertake it, though some may find it helpful.

All in all, it is essential to recall one basic truth. God loves every person
as a unique individual. Sexual identity helps to define the unique persons
we are, and one component of our sexual identity is sexual orientation. Thus,
our total personhood is more encompassing than sexual orientation. Human beings
see the appearance, but the Lord looks into the heart (cf. 1 Sm 16:7).

God does not love someone any less simply because he or she is homosexual.
God's love is always and everywhere offered to those who are open to receiving
it. St. Paul's words offer great hope:

Accepting God's Plan and the
Church's Ministry

For the Christian believer, an acceptance of self and of one's
homosexual child must take place within the larger context of accepting divinely
revealed truth about the dignity and destiny of human persons. It is the Church's
responsibility to believe and teach this truth, presenting it as a comprehensive
moral vision and applying this vision in particular situations through its
pastoral ministries. We present the main points of that moral teaching here.

Every person has an inherent dignity because he or she is created in God's
image. A deep respect for the total person leads the Church to hold and
teach that sexuality is a gift from God. Being created a male or female person
is an essential part of the divine plan, for it is their sexuality—a mysterious
blend of spirit and body—that allows human beings to share in God's own creative
love and life.

Like all gifts from God, the power and freedom of sexuality can be channeled
toward good or evil. Everyone—the homosexual and the heterosexual person—is
called to personal maturity and responsibility. With the help of God's grace,
everyone is called to practice the virtue of chastity in relationships. Chastity
means integrating one's thoughts, feelings, and actions, in the area of human
sexuality, in a way that values and respects one's own dignity and that of
others. It is "the spiritual power which frees love from selfishness
and aggression" (Pontifical Council for the Family, The Truth and
Meaning of Human Sexuality, 1996, no. 16).

Christ summons all his followers—whether they are married or living a single
celibate life—to a higher standard of loving. This includes not only fidelity,
forgiveness, hope, perseverance, and sacrifice, but also chastity, which is
expressed in modesty and self-control. The chaste life is possible, though
not always easy, for it involves a continual effort to turn toward God and
away from sin, especially with the strength of the sacraments of penance and
eucharist. Indeed God expects everyone to strive for the perfection of love,
but to achieve it gradually through stages of moral growth (cf. John Paul
II, On the Family, 1981, no. 34). To keep our feet on the path of conversion,
God's grace is available to and sufficient for everyone open to receiving
it.

Furthermore, as homosexual persons "dedicate their lives to understanding
the nature of God's personal call to them, they will be able to celebrate
the sacrament of penance more faithfully and receive the Lord's grace so freely
offered there in order to convert their lives more fully to his way"
(Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith, Letter on the Pastoral Care
of Homosexual Persons, 1986, no. 12).

To live and love chastely is to understand that "only within marriage
does sexual intercourse fully symbolize the Creator's dual design, as an act
of covenant love, with the potential of co-creating new human life" (United
States Catholic Conference, Human Sexuality: A Catholic Perspective for Education
and Lifelong Learning, 1991, p. 55). This is a fundamental teaching of our
Church about sexuality, rooted in the biblical account of man and woman created
in the image of God and made for union with one another (Gn 2–3).

Two conclusions follow. First, it is God's plan that sexual intercourse occur
only within marriage between a man and a woman. Second, every act of intercourse
must be open to the possible creation of human life. Homosexual intercourse
cannot fulfill these two conditions. Therefore, the Church teaches that homogenital
behavior is objectively immoral, while making the important distinction between
this behavior and a homosexual orientation, which is not immoral in itself.
It is also important to recognize that neither a homosexual orientation, nor
a heterosexual one, leads inevitably to sexual activity. One's total personhood
is not reducible to sexual orientation or behavior.

Respect for the God-given dignity of all persons means the recognition
of human rights and responsibilities. The teachings of the Church make
it clear that the fundamental human rights of homosexual persons must be defended
and that all of us must strive to eliminate any forms of injustice, oppression,
or violence against them (cf. The Pastoral Care of Homosexual Persons,
1986, no. 10).

It is not sufficient only to avoid unjust discrimination. Homosexual persons
"must be accepted with respect, compassion and sensitivity" (Catechism
of the Catholic Church, no. 2358). They, as is true of every human being,
need to be nourished at many different levels simultaneously. This includes
friendship, which is a way of loving and is essential to healthy human development.
It is one of the richest possible human experiences. Friendship can and does
thrive outside of genital sexual involvement.

The Christian community should offer its homosexual sisters and brothers
understanding and pastoral care. More than twenty years ago we bishops
stated that "Homosexuals . . . should have an active role in the Christian
community" (National Conference of Catholic Bishops, To Live in Christ
Jesus: A Pastoral Reflection on the Moral Life, 1976, p. 19). What does
this mean in practice? It means that all homosexual persons have a right to
be welcomed into the community, to hear the word of God, and to receive pastoral
care. Homosexual persons living chaste lives should have opportunities to
lead and serve the community. However, the Church has the right to deny public
roles of service and leadership to persons, whether homosexual or heterosexual,
whose public behavior openly violates its teachings.

The Church also recognizes the importance and urgency of ministering to persons
with HIV/AIDS. Though HIV/AIDS is an epidemic affecting the whole human race,
not just homosexual persons, it has had a devastating effect upon them and
has brought great sorrow to many parents, families, and friends.

Without condoning self-destructive behavior or denying personal responsibility,
we reject the idea that HIV/AIDS is a direct punishment from God. Furthermore

Persons with AIDS are not distant, unfamiliar people, the objects
of our mingled pity and aversion. We must keep them present to our consciousness
as individuals and a community, and embrace them with unconditional love.
. . . Compassion—love—toward persons infected with HIV is the only authentic
Gospel response. (National Conference of Catholic Bishops, Called to
Compassion and Responsibility: A Response to the HIV/AIDS Crisis, 1989)

Nothing in the Bible or in Catholic teaching can be used to justify prejudicial
or discriminatory attitudes and behaviors.2 We reiterate here what we said
in an earlier statement:

We call on all Christians and citizens of good will to confront
their own fears about homosexuality and to curb the humor and discrimination
that offend homosexual persons. We understand that having a homosexual orientation
brings with it enough anxiety, pain and issues related to self-acceptance
without society bringing additional prejudicial treatment. (Human Sexuality:
A Catholic Perspective for Education and Lifelong Learning, 1991, p.
55)

Pastoral Recommendations

With a view toward overcoming the isolation that you or your
son or daughter may be experiencing, we offer these recommendations to you
as well as to priests and pastoral ministers.

To Parents:

Accept and love yourselves as parents in order to accept and love your
son or daughter. Do not blame yourselves for a homosexual orientation
in your child.

Do everything possible to continue demonstrating love for your child.
However, accepting his or her homosexual orientation does not have to
include approving of all related attitudes and behavioral choices. In
fact, you may need to challenge certain aspects of a lifestyle that you
find objectionable.

Urge your son or daughter to stay joined to the Catholic faith community.
If they have left the Church, urge them to return and be reconciled to
the community, especially through the sacrament of penance.

Recommend that your son or daughter find a spiritual director/mentor
to offer guidance in prayer and in leading a chaste and virtuous life.

Seek help for yourself, perhaps in the form of counseling or spiritual
direction, as you strive for understanding, acceptance, and inner peace.
Also, consider joining a parents' support group or participating in a
retreat designed for Catholic parents of homosexual children. Other people
have traveled the same road as you but may have journeyed even further.
They can share effective ways of handling delicate family situations such
as how to tell family members and friends about your child, how to explain
homosexuality to younger children, and how to relate to your son or daughter's
friends in a Christian way.

Reach out in love and service to other parents struggling with a son
or daughter's homosexuality. Contact your parish about organizing a parents'
support group. Your diocesan family ministry office, Catholic Charities,
or a special diocesan ministry to gay and lesbian persons may be able
to offer assistance.

As you take advantage of opportunities for education and support, remember
that you can only change yourself; you can only be responsible for your
own beliefs and actions, not those of your adult children.

Put your faith completely in God, who is more powerful, more compassionate,
and more forgiving than we are or ever could be.

To Church Ministers:

Be available to parents and families who ask for your pastoral help,
spiritual guidance, and prayer.

Welcome homosexual persons into the faith community, and seek out those
on the margins. Avoid stereotyping and condemning. Strive first to listen.
Do not presume that all homosexual persons are sexually active.

Learn more about homosexuality and church teaching so your preaching,
teaching, and counseling will be informed and effective.

When speaking publicly, use the words "homosexual," "gay,"
and "lesbian" in honest and accurate ways.

Maintain a list of agencies, community groups, and counselors or other
experts to whom you can refer homosexual persons or their parents and
family members when they ask you for specialized assistance. Recommend
agencies that operate in a manner consistent with Catholic teaching.

Help to establish or promote support groups for parents and family members.

Learn about HIV/AIDS so you will be more informed and compassionate
in your ministry. Include prayers in the liturgy for those living with
HIV/AIDS, their caregivers, those who have died, and their families, companions,
and friends. A special Mass for healing and anointing of the sick might
be connected with World AIDS Awareness Day (December 1) or with a local
AIDS awareness program.

Conclusion

For St. Paul love is the greatest of spiritual gifts. St.
John considers love to be the most certain sign of God's presence. Jesus proposes
it as the basis of his two great commandments, which fulfill all the law and
the prophets.

Love, too, is the continuing story of every family's life. Love can be shared,
nurtured, rejected, and sometimes lost. To follow Christ's way of love is
the challenge before every family today. Your family now has an added opportunity
to share love and to accept love. Our church communities are likewise called
to an exemplary standard of love and justice. Our homosexual sisters and brothers—indeed,
all people—are summoned into responsible ways of loving.

To our homosexual brothers and sisters we offer a concluding word. This message
has been an outstretched hand to your parents and families inviting them to
accept God's grace present in their lives now and to trust in the unfailing
mercy of Jesus our Lord. Now we stretch out our hands and invite you to do
the same. We are called to become one body, one spirit in Christ. We need
one another if we are to " . . . grow in every way into him who is the
head, Christ, from whom the whole body, joined and held together by every
supporting ligament, with the proper functioning of each part, brings about
the body's growth and builds itself up in love" (Eph 4:15-16).

Though at times you may feel discouraged, hurt, or angry, do not walk away
from your families, from the Christian community, from all those who love
you. In you God's love is revealed. You are always our children.

Notes

The Catechism of the Catholic Church states also: "This
inclination, which is objectively disordered, constitutes for most [persons
with the homosexual inclination] a trial" (no. 2358).

In matters where sexual orientation has a clear relevance, the common
good does justify its being taken into account, as noted by the Congregation
for the Doctrine of the Faith in Some Considerations Concerning the
Response to Legislative Proposals on the Non-Discrimination of Homosexual
Persons, 1992, no. 11.

Always Our Children: A Pastoral Message to Parents of Homosexual Children
and Suggestions for Pastoral Ministers is a statement of the NCCB Committee
on Marriage and Family. It was prepared in the Secretariat for Family, Laity,
Women, and Youth under the supervision of the above committee. Publication
was approved by the Administrative Committee on September 10, 1997. The statement
is further authorized for publication by the undersigned.

To order Always Our Children: A Pastoral Message to Parents of Homosexual
Children in its official published format, contact the USCC Office for
Publishing and Promotion Services, 800-235-8722 (in the Washington metropolitan
area or from outside the United States, 202-722-8716). English: No. 5-131;
Spanish: No. 5-130. 16-page brochure. 10 copies for $15.00. See order
information for shipping and handling.