Soap Box / You're Getting Fat

Script

You're Getting Fat

By Streeter Seidell & Ben Joseph

INT. WHITE VOID
A CHUBBY GUY, out of breath, tries to tie his shoes.
Streeter enters.
STREETER
(to guy)
Uh oh. Are you having trouble
breathing and tying your shoes at
the same time? I don't want to
freak you out, but you're probably
getting fat.
Before he has a chance to respond, Streeter moves on. Behind
him, SKINNY TEENS, one in a GREEN SHIRT, play basketball.
STREETER
(to camera)
I know what you're thinking: "But I
was a skinny kid!" We all were. We
didn't wear shirts in pools or
constantly turn down requests for
the Truffle Shuffle.
Streeter pulls down a LARGE CHART, obscuring the kids. On
it: The EVOLUTION from SKINNY BOY to FAT MAN. Someone O.S.
throws Streeter a POINTER, which he uses.
STREETER
But that was then, and thanks to
salt, carbohydrates, and lethargy-
Streeter yanks the chart. It flies up, revealing our Chubby
Guy, wearing the same GREEN SHIRT and BASKETBALL SHORTS as
the kid. He sits in a Lay-Z-Boy with his fingers in a jar of
Peanut Butter and a deflated basketball next to him.
STREETER
-this is now.
(to the Chubby Guy)
Seriously dude!? Use a spoon!
(back to camera)
The signs are everywhere: You wear
basketball shorts all day. You
can't reach the seat-belt. People
keep asking you for help in Home
Depot.
As Streeter talks, STAGEHANDS rotate the Chubby Guy's chair
to face camera and put a STEERING WHEEL in front of him. He
tries to reach a SEATBELL attached to his chair, but can't.
Streeter walks on. An OLDER COUPLE approaches Streeter.
OLDER MAN
Where are the nailguns?
STREETER
Come on! I don't work here!
(under his breath)
Aisle 9.
NEW SHOT. Streeter walks into frame as our Chubby Guy and
his FRIENDS are hanging out.
STREETER
Nobody tells you when you're
getting fat. Your friends simply
refer to you as a 'big guy' or say
you're 'bulking up.' Sound like
compliments, don't they?
The Friends gesticulate. A CGI SPEECH BUBBLE emerges above
them, depicting a FOOTBALL PLAYER. Chubby Guy is pleased.
STREETER
They're not. Phrases like, 'Wow!
You've really filled out!' only
come up when your friends feel the
need to comment on how large you've
gotten, but are also afraid that
you might eat them.
Hearing this, Chubby Guy YANKS DOWN the speech bubble,
revealing ANOTHER BUBBLE depicting a FAT GUY in a TOWL.
Furious, he chases his friends off of frame.
NEW SHOT: Streeter enters frame. As he talks, stagehands
hand him a WAND, TOP HAT and CAPE, which he dons.
STREETER
So yes, you're getting fat. But
don't worry. Here are a few tricks
that all fat guys use.
He approaches the Chubby Guy, standing nervously.
STREETER
Embarrassed by those rolling rings
of fat emerging around your neck?
Grow a beard. Presto! Instant chin.
Streeter waves his wand, causing a dynamic BEARD to appear
on Chubby Guy, who's quite pleased.
STREETER
But beware: you may have to shave
one day and, voila! The Prestige!
He was a fat guy all along!
Streeter holds his cape in front of Chubby Guy's face then
yanks it down. To Chubby Guy's dismay, the beard is GONE.
Streeter starts to walk away.
CHUBBY GUY
Can I have that beard back?
Streeter ignores him, taking off his magician accessories as
he talks to camera. Chubby Guy follows him in the
background, listening eagerly.
STREETER
Also? Ditch the skinny jeans. Fat
people in skinny jeans look like a
human ice cream cones. Oh, you love
ice cream cones? Of course you do.
You're fat. And unless you want to
look like someone's made a balloon
animal out of your midsection,
untuck your shirt.
As Streeter talks, our guy RIPS OFF his jeans, revealing
looser pants. He untucks his shirt. Worn out, he collapses
into a convenient LAY-Z-BOY with FIVE FANS facing it.
STREETER
And finally, let me introduce you
to your new hobby: Sweat
management. It takes a lot of
effort to move that big ol' body of
yours. And unless you plan on
spending the rest of your life in
an air-conditioned igloo, every
step will now be an uphill battle
to stay dry. Trust me.
Streeter opens his jacket to reveal HORRIBLE, WET PIT
STAINS.
NEW SHOT: Streeter walks past our chubby guy sitting happily
in the middle airplane seat while two NORMALS are squished.
He wears an "I'm In Shape; Round Is A Shape" t-shirt.
STREETER
But hey, it's not all bad! You get
to make other people's plane rides
uncomfortable and wear our own
fat-person-themed T-shirts. But on
the whole, unless you somehow make
it on Biggest Loser, you've just
taken one step toward becoming a
bigger loser.
One of the KIDS FROM BEFORE runs into frame, dribbling a
ball. We now realize he looks kind of like STREETER.
STREETER
How do I know all of this? Because
I was him. And now, I'm one of you.
The kid runs off frame. Streeter's WELL-DRESSED BODY walks
after him, leaving only a FLOATING HEAD. A NEW BODY, wearing
a HOODIE and GYM SHORTS, walks in and takes its place.
Streeter, in his new oufit, walks and comes to our CHUBBY
GUY, trying to tie his shoe, just like our FIRST SHOT.
STREETER
Velcro is an option, man.
END.