Globetrotting with third-world passport since 2006.

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Growing up

You don’t always get what you want in life. The moment you accept it is the moment you become an adult.

You don’t always get the answer from your questions.
You don’t always see the reason behind every actions.
You don’t always venture from your risks.

You don’t always get the people you love to stay.
Oh honey, I hope you do, but in life, you don’t.
Life is so fragile, so short, so priceless.
All the unknowns and the unsure are the ones that give life meaning, letting you try without insurance.
Sometimes you succeed, sometimes you fail.
Sometimes you try again, sometimes you let go.
You don’t always know, dear and you don’t need to always agree with your heart. But follow your heart as it will never be wrong.

It hurts sometimes, I know. But as long as you’re still alive, the pain is still bearable. You’ll be alright, deary.

You’ll be fine before you know it.

You don’t always get to feel the way you wanted to.

You don’t always understand what’s going on in your heart or your head.

You don’t always agree with what you feel or what’s been filling your mind.

The thing is, most of the times you’re trying to fight what’s uncomfortable, when you should’ve just embraced it. Let it sink in, and if it hurts you, then let it hurt you and it will make you stronger.

Nothing in this life, NOTHING should make you feel less. You are you, just stronger, wiser, better, tougher.

And don’t forget to have fun. That’s the only way life should be. Fun.

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*) Disclaimer: This is very personal, please be considerate before posting comments.

I’ve stared the screen for a while, thinking how honest I would write, and wondering if truth is really what I need now… maybe I should sugar-coat to make me feel better, or if that is actually what I’m feeling for real?

1 year from now, 5 years from now or 20 years from now, when I re-read this post, what I will want to know then? What will I want to remember?

I don’t wanna be bitter. That’s for sure.

I like my life, I got to be the cheerful optimist sanguine who goes wherever she wants to.

I don’t plan to change it.

But…

Of course things changed after the tragedy.

Sometimes I woke up in the morning to a weird feeling, like……. some part of my heart died. A small bite in the flesh, sharp pain for a second. That second when I remembered my brother has died, I could literally hear the sound of my heart cracked.

Nothing could ever prepare me for that. Nothing.

Nothing.

Sometimes a scene flashed in my mind, when he hit me or when I slapped his face and it hurt me even more now because it turns out I don’t have any more time with him, no more chance for redemption. And what a painful thing it is for not having a chance.

Our goodbye was never said.

But of course not everything is dark and blue when I think of him, lately I’ve remembered all the fun things we used to do, long long way before our innocences were taken away from us. When it was just us and toys and imaginations. We used to share imaginations, about having our own version of Kentucky Fried Chicken, our version of Dragon Balls, about playing in the clouds, about creating castles. He was my very first best friend…

… Until drugs have taken him away from me.

And I didn’t save him. I chose to runaway, I saved myself only.

Sometimes I wonder if I could’ve saved him… but I’m sane enough to know I should not feel guilty of anything that is beyond my control. I should not be resentful, should not be bitter and angry with the world being unfair. I may be very far from making peace with my past, but I’m on my way there.

Trust me, reading this, you’ll think it’s that simple. It’s not. I’ve gone through any kind of emotions, what-if-moments, resentment, denials, anger, disappointments and even some suicidal thoughts, but then I’ll remember that it’s all temporary. All the pain are temporary. Nothing is permanent in this life.

Whenever I passed by the alley where I talked to him for the last time, I let the feeling sink in. Maybe if I let it in, it will hurt less. I remember every word he said to me.

And he said… he wanted to come to see me.

He never did. But sometimes I feel he watched over me. I just knew when he was watching over me.

When I went back to Jakarta to check up on my mom, She was devastated and broken hearted in so unimaginable way. I came to Jakarta on a mission, to make her happy. The moment I met her, I knew it was an impossible thing to do. And I will never make her happy. Only she could lift herself up again and be happy, and I will wait. I can only wait.

Nobody can tell her to move on. She’s entitled to her feelings and she can mourn and she’s allowed to willow as long as she wants to. I will just be there.

I want to remember and not to feel hurt. I’m wondering if it’s too much to ask. But Universe always gives me what I need. And I believe this time, I will be able to remember and not to feel hurt anymore.

After he’s gone, that’s a new timeline in my life. There was a time in my life where he was still in the picture, alive; and there is a time now when he’s not in anymore. My life is now divided into 2 time, when he was still there and after he’s gone.

My brother is the only family that reads my blog. He would comment on our personal Facebook chat about what he felt after he read my blog, all of them were happy thoughts. He once said he was happy to know that I’m happy. Some time, he would post it on his Facebook wall, a post about our president, Jokowi and a post about my dream-came-true trip to Parma. So I know he will read this post too. :)

Our relationship doesn’t end just because he’s dead. We’re tied with blood and love, it’s unbreakable. He has a kind soul and his soul will live on for eternity.

That’s all that matters.

Nothing matters in this life but kindness you’ve done and joy that you’ve brought to someone’s life.

I choose to love my brother, no matter what.

And after he’s gone… I will still continue to love. Life is too short to hate, to resent, to be bitter and angry. Our heart will never be full by loving too much or too hard, our heart will expand with no limits, it can’t never be full and rejecting the love it gives and receives.

Love will heal regrets.

May. <3

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I don’t remember having a normal night when I don’t have any plans for the next day. My life has been in a fast lane this past one month.
I don’t remember waking up late because I have been putting all my energy for the most important day in my life: wedding days. In my case I have two wedding days. So please double all the rempongness and the energy consuming.
7 June was the best day ever in my life and then followed by the hangover and the prep for the next wedding (exactly one week after that)
Then, 14 june was a blast for both of our family. They called it as the happiest wedding of their lives. Well, Bandi and I were under influence of course and we went along with it. It was a typical Chinese wedding with so many people we didn’t know, but well, as long as both parents were happy, we were happy too. The next day after the second wedding, I woke up at 5 am in the morning to watch Azzuri’s first match against England and we won!!! I thought to my self, could my life be anymore awesome?! Yes it could!!! Because we were flying to Maldives in 2 hours!!! Woot woot!!!
Bandi had prepared our honeymoon: one week in Maldives.
Our route was: Palembang – Batam -Singapore – KL – Male – Maldives (Medufushi Resort)
It was still a long way and we were so tired, but we sucked it up because we knew we would have one week to just lazying around in our private water villa. I already packed sunglasses, sunblock, novels, and new bikinis. I was sooooo thrilled that we could finally spend some alone time together and oh how I planned to f**k hard. Lol. (FYI I was on my period on my wedding day 7th june and all along we always spent the night with either friends or family, so yeah we never had sexy time)
When we landed in Batam at 10am in the morning, Bandi called home because he had a bad feeling. And he was right…. His grandpa just passed away. 12 hours after the wedding.
I’m a bad person because the first thing crosses my mind was… I was upset because obviously the honeymoon was cancelled.
Bandi told the cab driver to return back to Batam airport after we dropped Angel (my bridesmaid) to the ferry harbor. We bought a ticket back to Palembang later that night.
He told me that he was sorry that we had to cancel our honeymoon and that he knew I was physically super tired and obviously needed rest and we both know how tiring Chinese funeral could be, but he said we had to do the right thing. Life is only once, and if we do it right, once is enough.
It took me only a couple of minutes to remember why I married him in the first place. I married him because he’s kind and wonderful and I realize I just wanna be with him, whether it’s in maldives or in a funeral home. I married him because he puts people he loves first before himself, and I love him for that.
So we flew back to Palembang that night and we went straight to the hospital. He broke down and cried. I just held his hand and I thought to myself, from this day forward I would dedicate my life just to make sure he’s fine and he would never face anything alone anymore.
Suddenly losing Maldives didn’t feel so hurtful anymore. Because I would never lose this amazing man beside me, who would sacrifice anything and do anything for his family.
Maldives will always be there. But we can never turn back the time to the day we say our last goodbye to the people we love. To the day he say goodbye to his grandpa, a man who technically a father figure in his life since Bandi’s dad passed away.
Life is short and it is funny and ironic sometimes.
We just danced happily on our wedding, and we received so many flower arrangements saying “congratulation on your wedding” and now just 24 hours later we cried and received another flower arrangements saying “deep condolences”
Ain’t life funny?
We could laugh sarcastically, but why should we be bitter, when we could just laugh along with it?
Yesterday afternoon his grandpa was finally buried and he said his last goodbye. It was very emotional for him and all I could do just be there… Just to hold his hand.
Tonight we will fly back to Singapore to take Bandi’s brother to hospital because he’s sick.
I hope everything will be fine eventually. So we made a vow to always be with each other for good times and bad times, and the bad times stroke first, so what?
As long as we’re together, nothing seem so bad anyway. :)

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I had a flashback of the last three days… My fiance gave me an early birthday card, inside he wrote that he would send me something on my phone.

It turned out to be a flight ticket for the next morning… to Bali.

I groaned, “oh… I’m so tired and I have so many wedding things I haven’t done.” I was being ungrateful, because I knew that trip for us meant an adventure.

He said, “it’s gonna be different. I promise”

And he was right! He prepared a rented car at Denpasar and we drove to Ubud and we…. did nothing. LITERALLY NOTHING. We just ate, slept drank wine and repeat. He then brought me to a spa and we had 4.5 hours spa. Holy moly, I never knew we could have so many types of indulgence and relaxation in a day! Oh wow.

It was probably the first time I was being super extra mega spoilt in a trip. I asked him why he’d done all of these for me? And he said because I needed it.

Well, he’s right. :p

Yesterday, I blew off the candles on my cake.

And to my surprise, I didn’t want anything on my birthday. I mean, yeah, I wanted to go around the world still, but at that moment, I didn’t know what to wish for myself anymore.

I had everything I need, psychologically, physically, and spiritually. I have people who loves me unconditionaly, I have food on my plate, roof over my head, happy thoughts inside my mind, so what more could I ask?

So I asked the universe…

to always bless the people I love.

I said some names, and hoped that universe would always protect them. :)

Day 19

From someone as ngocol as Erry, it was kinda surprising when she gave me a serious topic to post about. She told me that she had a turning point in her life when her Mom passed away and not long after that she conceived Fathir. I don’t know if her turning point changed her life so much, and I don’t know if it was also called Epiphany, but I guess I will talk about my Epiphany now.

I don’t know what is turning point… so maybe I haven’t had any. I know something about Epiphany. Based on dictionary, Epiphany means a moment of sudden and great revelation or realization. So it’s like an eye opener, a moment that makes you realize something that has been clouded all of this time.

This happens last year on February. Bandi missed a flight back home to Singapore, so I had to flight home alone. I’ve already written the story here, so I will not repeat again, but I will tell you why this Epiphany changed my life.

Before that day, I was this girl who never wanted marriage. I did turn down Bandi’s first proposal attempt to marry me and I was so close to let him go (not because I didn’t love him, but because I wanted to set him free.)

I tried so hard to open my heart and love fearlessly, but somehow I just couldn’t. Bandi was frustrated with me. He felt that he already tried everything to assure me that his love is true and that we were made for each other but somehow… somehow… I just couldn’t open my heart. I could say that… I loved Bandi with insurance. I did love him, I wanted a privilege to be his girlfriend, but I still wanted a ticket to go out from the relationship whenever I wanted. I needed an insurance. So whenever I felt like leaving him, I could.

(I know I know, what a bitch, right?)

You guys would probably think I’m a bad person. I could accept that. I was.

But that night, I changed.

I had the epiphany. I was so close to let him go and with all the missing-the-flight things and all the signs from the universe (FYI I believe in signs) I really really thought that I had to let him go.

And then there he was… knocking the door at midnight. He came home. And he brought back all of his legal documents that I’d left at the airport and he also brought my luggage that was left at Soe-tha airport. He was like trying to assure me that he was a superhero. Everything he did was like saying there you go, universe. I made it. Nothing can make me stop coming home to her. Nothing.

That moment might not instantly make me want to marry Bandi, but it was the moment I started to think about what I really want in my life.

And him was the only one appeared everything I thought about it. It was kinda scary because I have never put anyone in my life as my priority before and suddenly I realized I have invested so much feeling on somebody it was overwhelming and scary and new for me. And deciding to carry on was the best decision I’ve ever made in my entire life.

Gue sebenernya udah sadar dia itu punya unresolved problems di masa lalu but I was a teenager myself so I didn’t give a damn about anybody’s problem but mine. LOL. Anyway, she was actually a good friend and she was splurging me with free treats such as food and… um, only food, really. Haha. (I was such a hungry teenager)

Di umur kita yang sekarang (maksudnya semakin tua, gitu) waktu kita sama teman pasti berkurang. Kita pasti spend more time sama keluarga inti (suami/istri/anak) but I hope that I could always ALWAYS spend my time with my friends. And I will always ALWAYS prioritize them over my work. Friends and family are the most important thing in our life. Don’t ever let them down just because “I don’t have enough time” or “I’m busy”.

As usual, every Thursday I dig in old photos for the Throwback Thursday. This is something that I’ve been doing since twitter had #followfriday. I’m a soc-med whore (it’s not a secret) so I like to do this kind of thing. Throwback Thursday is my favorite of all hashtag in instagram, because it made me dig old memories and I love reminiscing old memories. =)

This morning I opened one of my dropbox folder named “Seraphine Hangover”. It was full of inappropriate blurry photos but I managed to find the most decent one.

This one.

The two girls with me are my bridesmaids and the three guys are the unofficial chauffeur for the wedding. :p

This photo was taken on September last year, not so long time ago. It was just a casual hangout with my best buddies in Jakarta. Everytime I come back to Jakarta, we always hang out together, some ended without voice because we sing like there’s no tomorrow in the karaoke room, some ended with endless KFC chicken in our tummies, some ended up drunk.

The photo above doesn’t represent the full team of my best buddies. Let me give you another photo:

Here!

Wait, wait… this is a very old old OLD photo. :p

This might do! Don’t mind Bandi. :p

So yeah, we’re best buddies. We all hate and love each other at the same time. We’ve fought, we’ve made up, we aren’t always together but when we meet, we rock on!

We got very very close when we were in the fifth grade and then during our junior high we’ve written a diary together. There were 13 diaries in 3 years school-span. And trust me, everytime I read those diaries, I would crack my butt up for laughing too hard!!! LOLOLOL. How stupid we were. LOLOLOL

I watched a movie “Las Vegas” last Wednesday, it was about 4 best buds who have been friends since they were kids and they’re still friends in their sixties.

Bandi and I went to Bandi’s bestfriend’s wedding last Saturday. We went to Palembang for one day just to attend the wedding. After the wedding we hung out and Bandi could always act like a kid around his bestfriends. They don’t see each other so often but when they do, it’s just so cute seeing them calling each other names.

Anyway, what I was about to say is…

I just can’t imagine how my life would be without my friends. They’re like my family, my brothes and my sisters. We’ve been through so many things yet we’re still friends. No matter if we’re rich, poor, ugly, pretty, fat, skinny, no matter what race we are, no matter whom we love or what we’re doing, and no matter what we turned out to be, we are still friends. We were friends before we knew money, before we even got our period, before all the ugliness in the world tried to invade.

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Sometimes I play what-ifs with Bandi and he (unwillingly) played along. The what-ifs were various from “what if you could only live by eating only tuna forever?” (Bandi hates tuna smell) or “what if I had a growing penis, would you still marry me?” to the serious what-ifs like “what if I couldn’t have children?” Or “what if I had cancer?”

But the most occurrence what-if question was “what if we never met?” How would our lives be?

You guys must know that I’m head over heels in love with Bandi. I mean, I don’t only love him, I LOVE HIM, with capitals.

So how would our lives be without each other?

Sadly to say, the answers weren’t so romantic… If we never met, I would probably met somebody else and that guy probably would fall in love with me so hard because well, I’m adorable, and then if I loved him so much too then we’d be in relationship. But most importantly, if I never met him, I’d probably be a serial dater, and of course I would work for UN, probably lived somewhere like Congo or India, to lead a Unicef team to build school, empowering unskilled women and stuffs like that. I would move around every two years to different parts of the world. I think it was the single life I’ve always wanted.

What about Bandi? Well he said he would not go to US because he wasn’t so motivated to “see the world” before he met me. He would probably finish his degree and went back to his hometown, found a girl and married one.

But then…. I realized something just now.

Our answers were not true at all!!!

Come on!!! It is so impossible that Bandi was created to be someone else’s husband. I mean, I bet all the money in the world that he was created custom-made for me!

So I was thinking… If we never met back then in college, then we would definitely meet sometime later in our lives. Let me make up some scenarios…

1. What if my father didn’t come back from Australia and I was born there and lived there for the rest of my life?

Well in this case, I think Bandi would probably still go to US for his college because he got the scholarship, and then he continued to work there and in some point his company allocated him to Australia, and then we finally met maybe somewhere in Sydney. I was walking my dog and my dog walked towards him and I dressed my dog in Italian Jersey and we started conversation with “you like football, huh?” and we fell in love.

2. What if Bandi was accepted at NTU and went to Singapore for collage?

I would still be living my life almost the same. I probably didn’t go for UN because I needed to support my family financially so I preferred to work in Singapore. Bandi had finished his college and continued working in Singapore too and at some point we met, probably in an Indonesians outing in East Coast park. We rode bikes and then I saw Bandi’s Juventus key chain and I mocked him and then we had a conversation about football and we fell in love.

3. What if I never got the scholarship in college and I had to drop-out from it before I met Bandi?

I would probably be working my ass off in my twenties and would live in Jakarta all my life, while Bandi continued his college in Bandung and went back to his hometown to continue his family’s business. My high school friend, Septian married Bandi’s high school friend, Erlina and we were both invited to their wedding. We met on that wedding and we started the conversation with “you like football, huh?” and we fell in love.(P.s. Septian and Erlina are true characters and they did have their wedding last month. True story.)

4. What if Bandi dropped out from junior high school and became a punk and he lived in Palembang of all his life?

I would still be living my life almost the same but then in 2009, when I was working in Femina I was sent to Palembang to cover the Indonesian beauty pageant and when I visited one of the good pempek (fish cake) stall I met Bandi. Bandi was riding his motorbike and I saw his Juventus painted helmet and I commented about it, “you like football, huh?” and then we had the conversation about football and we fell in love.

5. What if Bandi never came back from US and never asked me back?

This would be the saddest of all because I would think he didn’t want to be with me anymore. I would probably face a very difficult time to move on but then I would eventually make it. Three years later I received a scholarship from an American Fine Arts college and I moved there. And I wrote in my facebook status, “Living my dream”, checked in Atlanta, USA. Bandi read it and took his car keys, drove all night from Austin to Atlanta and the next morning when I opened my door, there he was, standing still and looking straight at me, saying “hey you.” And then we fell in love all over again.

Not only this post has proven that I’m a drama queen and a good story maker, it’s also trying to say that love will always find the way.

I believe that it is impossible for Bandi and I not to meet. I may believe in fate, I may not. I don’t know. But I know somehow Bandi and I were meant for each other. If we didn’t meet nine yeas ago, then it would be another time. But I’m sure that we eventually would. We would always find each other.

It’s true that I am a romantic and I’m not scared to show off my love to Bandi. I think it is a good thing because before I met him, I was a skeptic. I’ve always been a romantic, but I had a trust issue back then. I loved the feeling of falling in love but didn’t really trust anybody to fully read my soul. That was probably why I didn’t believe in marriage too. However, I’m so glad I opened myself to Bandi and I know this sounds so Disney-like movie but it’s true that…

Love is the most powerful thing on earth.

I’m gonna share a personal story which really moved me. I had a bad relationship with my brother. He abused me physically and mentally when we were kids. I never loved him and I blamed him for all the bad things happened to me up until my teenage years. He apologized and then did bad things to me and my family again and then apologized and then screwed up and apologize and then screwed up and repeat a thousand times.

Four years ago I’ve had enough and I confronted him. I asked him to never disturb me and my mom again. We fought and he kicked my stomach and he threatened to kill me. Three months later I moved out from Jakarta to Singapore. I’ve never talked to him again for so long.

Last week, he sent me a facebook message. He apologized for everything he’s done to me in the past. I had just finished my make up and I cried (Shit I have to re-do my mascara.) He always apologized before, but somehow this time he seemed sincere. He apologized without asking money, or things (in the past he apologized when he was out of cash.)
A week after that my sister texted me that my brother is undergoing a medication for a serious illness. I was sad. I never thought I would ever care about anything happened to him.

I never talk about my brother. Most of the stories were sad but I guess it’s never too late to love someone. For all my life, I’ve never loved him. Last week was the first time I heard “I love you my sister” from him. It tore down the wall I had built between us instantly. I had forgiven him and decided to learn how to love a brother, the thing I never thought I would ever do. And most importantly, I let myself to trust him.

I was so hurt I never thought I could ever trust anyone, especially guys. Meeting Bandi was the best thing that happened to me. Not only he loves me unconditionally, he taught me how to love back, how to let other people to love you the way you are, be honest with your feeling and not to be scared. Loving is trusting. You open your heart to a risk of hurt or betrayal. But to love is a wonderful feeling. It is so powerful it can change your life.

I watched Frozen the other week and I was sobbing like crazy because the movie was so damn good and it taught us that love indeed is a powerful thing. You just have to use it right.

Back to my what-if question, “What if I never met Bandi?”

I would never be born in a world where I would never meet Bandi because his purpose of life is to give my life meaning, and my purpose of life is to give him dreams. Universe meant it to happen.

Oh and I’m sooooo glad I did meet him. :)

—

“So you like football, huh?” and I played his keychain.

“Yes. Juventus!”

“Ew, bad choice.”

“You?”

“Parma!”

“HUAHAHAHAHA” he mockingly laughed.

I was angry and I accidentally broke his keychain. From that moment on, I was “the Parma girl who broke my keychain” for him and he was “that annoying juventus guy who had a cute keychain” for me.