I Declare Myself a Fucking Idiot

What is this feeling? It is so fucking heavy. It never relents, it merely requires a different way of handling the feelings, shuffling around the weight so it is bearable.

Perhaps this is the way that people with addictions feel.

Damn...night after night, clearing away all the past feelings, reconciling with every person I have ever 'known'. Clearing it all out, leaving me a tired wreck of over-abused emotions that reflect as if those reconciliations are an over all reality, when they are most likely my own.

It can't be this way for anyone, for everyone. I do not know how to...lift it without making me bend so. Perhaps these things I experience are not real, and I am behaving as if they are.

I am 44 years old. I have striven for most of my life to find out what has happened to me. What if, like others in the world, I discover that it is all bullshit? I probably wouldn't mind, as long as I am able to stop thinking.

Probably the worst thing I could have done is let others know of what I have been through. By writing it down, or speaking of it, I embed it deep into my self. Why is it not better to let if flow through without...

I think about people living to an old, ripe age, and it terrifies me. I cannot imagine living these 44 years all over again, and more than half of those years forgotten in the depths of birth, childhood and debauchery.

What makes me really fucked up, is that I am writing this on a public forum, to people I don't even 'know' in real life. A declare myself a fucking idiot to be known, and therefor used and abused, understood and in the end, obviously manipulated.

Does it matter in the end? I have been told it does, yet to remain true to self is what I aspire to. To all those that do not aspire to that, god help you.

Quoting: Septenary Man

Look up schizoidal type disorder. These are nothing to fear but be aware of.

This is a recognised but deeply misunderstood yet totally undiagnosed symptom

I go to war with the idiot inside me. Smack him around...call him fucked up names...he calls me bully and might file charges. I say fuck him...dumb ass pussy. Whining all time...he just needs to STFU and all will be well.

Here is the deepest secret nobody knows.Here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows higher than soul can hope or mind can hide.And this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart.I carry&#65279; your heart, and I carry it in mine

What is this feeling? It is so fucking heavy. It never relents, it merely requires a different way of handling the feelings, shuffling around the weight so it is bearable.

Perhaps this is the way that people with addictions feel.

Damn...night after night, clearing away all the past feelings, reconciling with every person I have ever 'known'. Clearing it all out, leaving me a tired wreck of over-abused emotions that reflect as if those reconciliations are an over all reality, when they are most likely my own.

It can't be this way for anyone, for everyone. I do not know how to...lift it without making me bend so. Perhaps these things I experience are not real, and I am behaving as if they are.

I am 44 years old. I have striven for most of my life to find out what has happened to me. What if, like others in the world, I discover that it is all bullshit? I probably wouldn't mind, as long as I am able to stop thinking.

Probably the worst thing I could have done is let others know of what I have been through. By writing it down, or speaking of it, I embed it deep into my self. Why is it not better to let if flow through without...

I think about people living to an old, ripe age, and it terrifies me. I cannot imagine living these 44 years all over again, and more than half of those years forgotten in the depths of birth, childhood and debauchery.

What makes me really fucked up, is that I am writing this on a public forum, to people I don't even 'know' in real life. A declare myself a fucking idiot to be known, and therefor used and abused, understood and in the end, obviously manipulated.

Does it matter in the end? I have been told it does, yet to remain true to self is what I aspire to. To all those that do not aspire to that, god help you.

Quoting: Septenary Man

Remain fixed upon the truthful path,Upon which find the Understanding place,And did such journey lead here?The place of here and now.Enter my domain of terrible destruction,Except my essence, succor my presence.

"Damn...night after night, clearing away all the past feelings, reconciling with every person I have ever 'known'. Clearing it all out, leaving me a tired wreck of over-abused emotions that reflect as if those reconciliations are an over all reality, when they are most likely my own"

Do you mean in your dreams? If so I am experiencing the same thing lately. It is rare that I dream with people I know in them, but lately every night someone from my past shows up in my dreams. Even the lucid ones. It's been very overwhelming and disconcerting for me as they are usually pretty emotional.

Hang in there. I know the feeling you're speaking of. I would like to join the Fucking Idiot club as well.

Quoting: Anonymous Coward 12506015

Yes, in my dreams, lucid or otherwise. Constantly, with everyone I know, and many I do not.

What is this feeling? It is so fucking heavy. It never relents, it merely requires a different way of handling the feelings, shuffling around the weight so it is bearable.

Perhaps this is the way that people with addictions feel.

Damn...night after night, clearing away all the past feelings, reconciling with every person I have ever 'known'. Clearing it all out, leaving me a tired wreck of over-abused emotions that reflect as if those reconciliations are an over all reality, when they are most likely my own.

It can't be this way for anyone, for everyone. I do not know how to...lift it without making me bend so. Perhaps these things I experience are not real, and I am behaving as if they are.

I am 44 years old. I have striven for most of my life to find out what has happened to me. What if, like others in the world, I discover that it is all bullshit? I probably wouldn't mind, as long as I am able to stop thinking.

Probably the worst thing I could have done is let others know of what I have been through. By writing it down, or speaking of it, I embed it deep into my self. Why is it not better to let if flow through without...

I think about people living to an old, ripe age, and it terrifies me. I cannot imagine living these 44 years all over again, and more than half of those years forgotten in the depths of birth, childhood and debauchery.

What makes me really fucked up, is that I am writing this on a public forum, to people I don't even 'know' in real life. A declare myself a fucking idiot to be known, and therefor used and abused, understood and in the end, obviously manipulated.

Does it matter in the end? I have been told it does, yet to remain true to self is what I aspire to. To all those that do not aspire to that, god help you.

Quoting: Septenary Man

Remain fixed upon the truthful path,Upon which find the Understanding place,And did such journey lead here?The place of here and now.Enter my domain of terrible destruction,Except my essence, succor my presence.

I go to war with the idiot inside me. Smack him around...call him fucked up names...he calls me bully and might file charges. I say fuck him...dumb ass pussy. Whining all time...he just needs to STFU and all will be well.

Oh Sept...dude...we are all fucking idiots. Don't be low. Pick up yor head. 'everyting gon be awlll reet.' (say this like a Jamaican 3 times out loud).Then you can truly declare yourself a fucking idiot.

Quoting: Anonymous Coward 31510799

I'm not really low, just trying to feel my way through all of this. At times, when speaking of introspection, it tends to sound depressing or low or whatever, but it's not...though I will be the first to admit, it used to be. Went through a lot of it in the past.

I do it non-stop, and much of the time it has become second nature. Which is the entire reason I started doing it so much in the first place, so it naturally would occur and it would not have to be something I had to 'work' on to be actively reflective of self.

I'm right there with you Septenary Man. I'm turning 37 soon but I've felt like an old man with a cane since I can remember. My whole life has been a continual walk of (SHAMAN) shame while haphazardly trying to parse the nature of reality.

What is this feeling? It is so fucking heavy. It never relents, it merely requires a different way of handling the feelings, shuffling around the weight so it is bearable.

Perhaps this is the way that people with addictions feel.

Damn...night after night, clearing away all the past feelings, reconciling with every person I have ever 'known'. Clearing it all out, leaving me a tired wreck of over-abused emotions that reflect as if those reconciliations are an over all reality, when they are most likely my own.

It can't be this way for anyone, for everyone. I do not know how to...lift it without making me bend so. Perhaps these things I experience are not real, and I am behaving as if they are.

I am 44 years old. I have striven for most of my life to find out what has happened to me. What if, like others in the world, I discover that it is all bullshit? I probably wouldn't mind, as long as I am able to stop thinking.

Probably the worst thing I could have done is let others know of what I have been through. By writing it down, or speaking of it, I embed it deep into my self. Why is it not better to let if flow through without...

I think about people living to an old, ripe age, and it terrifies me. I cannot imagine living these 44 years all over again, and more than half of those years forgotten in the depths of birth, childhood and debauchery.

What makes me really fucked up, is that I am writing this on a public forum, to people I don't even 'know' in real life. A declare myself a fucking idiot to be known, and therefor used and abused, understood and in the end, obviously manipulated.

Does it matter in the end? I have been told it does, yet to remain true to self is what I aspire to. To all those that do not aspire to that, god help you.

Quoting: Septenary Man

I like you a lot and think you're a genius. I think you have higher expectations of yourself than nearly anyone can accomplish. I wonder if your father toilet trained you with a 45.Just chill. relax. Maybe medication. visualize a color or something. You can shut your mind down if you try.You have helped a lot of people with what you've said and posted. You've opened a lot of eyes. That's a good thing.Have a shot of vodka. or a beer. Maybe you're working too hard or too long and need to schedule some downtime.Peace.

Quoting: Anonymous Coward 37122686

That's the entire point. If you don't push yourself past what you can accomplish (and have goals that are beyond you r capabilities), you will never know what you are truly capable of.

What is this feeling? It is so fucking heavy. It never relents, it merely requires a different way of handling the feelings, shuffling around the weight so it is bearable.

Perhaps this is the way that people with addictions feel.

Damn...night after night, clearing away all the past feelings, reconciling with every person I have ever 'known'. Clearing it all out, leaving me a tired wreck of over-abused emotions that reflect as if those reconciliations are an over all reality, when they are most likely my own.

It can't be this way for anyone, for everyone. I do not know how to...lift it without making me bend so. Perhaps these things I experience are not real, and I am behaving as if they are.

I am 44 years old. I have striven for most of my life to find out what has happened to me. What if, like others in the world, I discover that it is all bullshit? I probably wouldn't mind, as long as I am able to stop thinking.

Probably the worst thing I could have done is let others know of what I have been through. By writing it down, or speaking of it, I embed it deep into my self. Why is it not better to let if flow through without...

I think about people living to an old, ripe age, and it terrifies me. I cannot imagine living these 44 years all over again, and more than half of those years forgotten in the depths of birth, childhood and debauchery.

What makes me really fucked up, is that I am writing this on a public forum, to people I don't even 'know' in real life. A declare myself a fucking idiot to be known, and therefor used and abused, understood and in the end, obviously manipulated.

Does it matter in the end? I have been told it does, yet to remain true to self is what I aspire to. To all those that do not aspire to that, god help you.

Quoting: Septenary Man

Spend some time immersing yourself with the dog-pack at your home... They know nothing of these human frustrations... Soak up their vibe and just let the present moment be...

What is this feeling? It is so fucking heavy. It never relents, it merely requires a different way of handling the feelings, shuffling around the weight so it is bearable.

Perhaps this is the way that people with addictions feel.

Damn...night after night, clearing away all the past feelings, reconciling with every person I have ever 'known'. Clearing it all out, leaving me a tired wreck of over-abused emotions that reflect as if those reconciliations are an over all reality, when they are most likely my own.

It can't be this way for anyone, for everyone. I do not know how to...lift it without making me bend so. Perhaps these things I experience are not real, and I am behaving as if they are.

I am 44 years old. I have striven for most of my life to find out what has happened to me. What if, like others in the world, I discover that it is all bullshit? I probably wouldn't mind, as long as I am able to stop thinking.

Probably the worst thing I could have done is let others know of what I have been through. By writing it down, or speaking of it, I embed it deep into my self. Why is it not better to let if flow through without...

I think about people living to an old, ripe age, and it terrifies me. I cannot imagine living these 44 years all over again, and more than half of those years forgotten in the depths of birth, childhood and debauchery.

What makes me really fucked up, is that I am writing this on a public forum, to people I don't even 'know' in real life. A declare myself a fucking idiot to be known, and therefor used and abused, understood and in the end, obviously manipulated.

Does it matter in the end? I have been told it does, yet to remain true to self is what I aspire to. To all those that do not aspire to that, god help you.

Sevin is a she (Sevin means 'beautiful girl, or Love Her!). She was abandon and left for dead. My wife and I rescued her, but when she was first picked up, the was about 60 pounds (hence the picture of her so skinny) or something when her healthy weight is about 140.

That picture is when she was transported to the rescue my wife works with. When we took her she had almost died three times. The vet didn't understand how she lived through the night on two occasions. Then she came down with pneumonia during recovery and almost died then as well.

She's had a long rough life, and she was just over a year old when she was rescued. She is fully deaf and blind in 1 eye.

Sevin is a she (Sevin means 'beautiful girl, or Love Her!). She was abandon and left for dead. My wife and I rescued her, but when she was first picked up, the was about 60 pounds (hence the picture of her so skinny) or something when her healthy weight is about 140.

That picture is when she was transported to the rescue my wife works with. When we took her she had almost died three times. The vet didn't understand how she lived through the night on two occasions. Then she came down with pneumonia during recovery and almost died then as well.

She's had a long rough life, and she was just over a year old when she was rescued. She is fully deaf and blind in 1 eye.

She's our princess.

Quoting: Septenary Man

God bless you for rescuing that poor baby and giving her a good life now. I love people who love animals.