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Bellum omnium contra omnes

Nothing

Nothing. I have nothing. I am spent. I had nothing yesterday, and I had so little yesterday that I could not even write about the nothing that I had. I am having trouble writing about it today. Distractions galore are making it even more difficult to write. My wife is engaging me in conversation and that is making it hard to write anything meaningful. It is her right to do so, she is my wife and I love her and will accept her talking no matter how much it distracts.

But then again I am not sure she is distracting me. I am not sure anything is distracting. To be distracted you have to have something in mind to be distracted from, and frankly I don’t have that. There is a blank spot where the concept “subject” normally exists, whether it be politics, news, or whatever.

There is nothing today. But the day was kinda weird anyway.

Woke up after sleeping badly, on and off all night, and I was sore, beat, tired the moment I was getting out of bed. Damn cat. Damn uncomfortable breeze from the fan that my wife insists be on at night, and aimed at her so she can sleep. Damn heat. Damn cold. Damn bladder. Damn everything.

Coffee made things a bit easier. But not much. Dragged all the way to work. Could not sleep on the way to work, just could not get comfortable. Got to work, and the work was not easy. Work is never easy, but after the lack of sleep, and …

There is another reason I was spent. I have dreams, sometimes dark ones, very dark ones. Dreams of death and blood. Mine, My wife’s. Other people. Normally I don’t have nightmares. The night’s dream’s have really taken it out of me. I had been feeling like hell early that morning, like the deaths of those close to me were not just dreams. Haunted, daunted, looking at myself like there was something wrong with me. Feeling out of sorts, like I had done something wrong.

I don’t know why. It just felt that way, one does not argue with emotions. You feel them, you deal with them, you cope with them, and wait for the storm to abate. That storm never lasts forever, but it lasted for far too long today.

And the consequence is that I still have nothing. I’m going to sleep. To sleep, perchance not to dream. I prefer dreams in daylight, those ones are had consciously, and are dreams of what a man can do. Those are the dreams that I prefer.