Reinterpreting weight

The extra weight I had been carrying was made from very real things. Two years of celebrating being in love. Birthing two books into the world. And facing my lifelong fear of sharing my soul’s voice with the world through my creations. Would I change any part of that? No.

So tonight, when I started to have a little eating disorder wobble, I sat down to write about it instead of grabbing the scales. I was trying to figure out what was causing the emotional wobble and hence the eating wobble. As I was writing, I remembered these lines and wrote the following:

One book describes how the author had gained weight because she was in a happy relationship so actually her weight gain was a sign of love and happiness. I tried to stop and think this through myself and all I got was my weight gain is a sign of laziness which is obviously anorexia speaking.

So let’s try again. My weight gain is a sign that I’m not flat out exhausted, not running on empty constantly, I’m not as stressed, I have less fights to fight. My weight gain is a sign that things are actually going ok right now.

My weight gain is a sign that things are going ok right now. How awesome is that? I’m still trying to feel it but the idea that my weight gain is tied up in my life improving makes it much harder to wish away the extra pounds. Would I choose to let go of where I am now so that I could lose the weight? No, I don’t think I would.

Rebecca also has an instant guidance section on her website which randomly chooses a message for you.

Mine, just now, was:

Shine so bright it burns the corneas of those who want you small.

The reason they want you small is because deep down they want to shine too.

And in watching you, chances are they will be inspired to do the same.

Which is so, so relevant to my eating disorder. I was trying to make myself small, I was trying to make myself invisible, I was so scared to show myself to the world and risk being hurt because of it.

I didn’t plan to write this post but once I’d put it on twitter, I felt it might be a useful way of looking at things for others out there. I hope it helps.