I'm one of the lucky ones. Life on the whole has been and continues to be good to me. I get up every morning, happy. More often than not, with a smile on my face. I really do. But then some bastard goes and fucking ruins it. Well, here they are. Bastards, every last one of them.

Friday

Me meme (see what I did there, websters?)

Look, before you start reading this, let's be clear about something. This is your doing. No less than three of you have tagged me to do this (Kate, Marcus and his cowardly mate, Gavin). Well Gavin was going to but settled for goading his big mate, Marcus into doing it instead. What was I meant to do? Ignore them? What! with my ego? Are you kidding?

So, here's where I tell you five things you don't know about me. (Like you know a lot about me already.) Kate? Marcus? Gavin? You didn't really think this through now did you?

I was once very good at Judo. In fact, I was a schoolboy international, Okay, so I was mainly in the reserves, but I did get to fight once. Against Germany. I only managed a draw.

I once made a feature film. It won several awards around the world and is still shown on Australian TV. It was released in England in 2001 on 3 screens in London's West End. I think 37 people saw it. All family members.

I have been very, very fortunate in love. Thank you Alison

I once stole a policeman's cap. Boasted about it to his ex-partner on the force (who was now a bouncer in a night club), got grassed up by said bouncer, arrested and finally dumped in the middle of a field in Bognor, at 3 in the morning.

I love chillies. I mean, I really love them. I also love the irony that God made them hot so we'd spit them out, but instead we eat them because they're hot. Ha ha, big man.

Now that I've done this I get to tag fve more bloggers to do the same. I don't feel bad about this because they have all, at some time or other PISSED ME OFF, THE BASTARDS

Martin, for being funnier than meStefan for being more gifted than the whole of meKirsty for having a better idea for a blog than meRussell for having more energy than 14 mes. (Plus I really want to see who he sends it on to.)PJ for..., well, hes never pissed me off. He was picked by the hand of fate, as he was just the next site to appear when I pressed the Next Blog Button up at the top, and I thought it interesting to see what would happen and whether there is a real blogging community.

Here are my 5 (with thanks for the kind words here and the brilliant words you're posting on the Daily Monsters every day:

1. I almost became an altar boy at age 11. I just loved the whole ceremony. But the priest then informed me that I'd have to show up for the 9am service every other Sunday and that was just a no go. What kind of god would allow such cruelty?

2. When I work I wear special socks that my 80-year old Aunt Annie back in Austria knits especially for the task.

3. I learned English from watching Patrick Stewart on Star Trek and reading hundreds of English language Star Trek novels, but I never once wore a uniform.

4. My German accent, when I attempt it, is absolutely not credible. My girlfriend says I end up sounding like Arnold.

Love your list, especially your inclusion of chilis. I grow lots of habeneros and thais in my garden, then cut them up and freeze them. All winter long I delight my taste buds and my soul by dolloping them on my food. Great perk me up!

One: On my first day at infant school I puked all over my teacher's shoes. Since it was the first day of a new school year these were new shoes.Two: On my little brother's first day at the same school he dropped his chocolate biscuit that mum gave us for break time, into the road. A car ran over it. He cried. Lots. I gave him my biscuit.Three: As a child I dared a mate to jump out of a tree. When he refused I taunted him with bad words. He jumped. And broke his arm.Four: I cried in a cinema aged ten when a girl told me she fancied me. My mates all laughed. Fucking loads.Five: I told a close work colleague that I'd fallen in love with her. She looked horrified, bollocked me for saying such a stupid thing, and moved back to Australia.

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