Advent

Forgetting about the advent for a moment today was a very Childish day at Chez Fatuous. Mrs Fatuous had the day off and we had stale bread so we decided that we’d go to a nearby lough and feed the ducks. The ducks there must be fed bread on an hourly basis so have no fear of people and will jump all over your feet to get closer to the lovely loaf. If you have flimsy shoes on you can feel their feet and they do feel as weird as you’d imagine.

Whilst feeding the ducks I noticed a strange, new construction over by the kids play area. I decided we’d have a look once we were done. As we got closer it looked like a sparse, badly constructed climbing frame. Nearby was a sign that told us what it was.

Turns out it was an i.play which it turns out is a cross between Mike Reid’s Runaround and boppit. We were very lucky that there was no-one else around so we had a few rounds and it was great fun. If it wasn’t too far away I’d have looked forward to trying it blind drunk at two in the morning but sadly it would require a car and remember kids, drink driving is bad.

Anyway, back to advent, which is either a sleigh or it’s a close-up of Alan Carr’s mouth should he ever suffer from carbon monoxide poisoning.

Alan mate, get a sensor fitted, I couldn’t like with myself if a badly fitted boiler did for you.

I was just settling down to a nice quiet Saturday night in. The beer was going down smoothly, telly was relaxing and I was looking forward to a few games on the PS3 later.

Shit, I’d forgotten the advent. I went upstairs and started the computer. I had put away the “good” camera which takes a bit of time to set up so I thought I’d dig out the compact to save time whilst the PC was starting. The compact’s battery was very low but still had a bit of juice however it’s lens is useless at close up photos. So off I traipsed to get the other camera out and set it up. I did that and noticed my computer screen was blank. Yet again it seems that vista has screwed up my security files which stops it booting. Switching it off forcibly and rebooting it gets it going again slowly then a few days later it happens again.

Finally the PC and the camera are ready. I open up day six.

It’s a fucking bauble. After all that a stupid little bauble. Even the mouse and rabbit, creatures rarely seen together, have gathered to look at the bollocking bauble in contempt.

It’s a teddy bear wearing the same hat minus a musical instrument. This bear doesn’t even have a musical ability. It’s a bit of a come-down from yesterday to say the least.

But look closer, the cheeks give away a tell-tale blush. What could possibly cause the bear to blush? Like anybody famous without talent I can only image it got this plum job the traditional way. I’m not even sure how considering the bear doesn’t appear to have knees with which to adopt the position.

It’s a balmy summer afternoon, you’re sitting in the air-conditioned meeting room, you and fellow designers are coming up with the advent calendar that’s going to make you rich this Christmas.

It’s day one, what do you put behind that window? You don’t want to peak to quickly and put the baby Jesus there. His time will come. You want to hint at the good times ahead but at the same time you don’t want to get the kids too excited. Put a present there and the little brats are going to be screaming for the next 24 days.

This is where careers are made and lost. You glance at your notes, swallow your pride, stand in your designer suit and pitch like you’ve never pitched before.

I got my advent calendar the other day and I thought, “what better way to share the build up to Christmas than to post on my blog about the pictures behind each window?”

I got my camera and calendar ready and took a photo of the advent in it’s virginal state.

I popped the door, ate the chocolate and what did I find behind it?

Absolutely nothing! Kinder can’t even be bothered to stick a picture behind the chocolate. Looks like the Kinder surprise was on me. What to do? I decided that I would head into town and buy and old fashioned calendar that only had pictures.

After tramping around town for a while I discovered that it’s very hard to find an advent without chocolates. I’d imagine giving a child a calendar without chocs would be enough to get them a reputation at school that would last until they left. “Oh look it’s no choc Charlie, his mom can’t afford sweets, I heard it’s not his real mom, she died trying to fish a mars bar out of the canal. Eurgh he’s got nits and everything.”

Fortunately I had fail-safe plan. There is a newsagent in town that also does a sideline in religious books, CDs etc. If there’s one thing the God-botherers don’t like it’s kids enjoying Christmas. Not when there’s good remembering about Jesus to be done. My plan was a success, I had a choice of two guaranteed not to have chocolates. One looked very promising, offering not just a picture but also a bible verse behind each window. These would have to be very small bible verses as the windows were very small. However it’s easier for a whole verse of the bible to fit behind a tiny windiw than it is for a rich man to enter the kingdom of Heaven.

The second one only promised pictures but it had one big advantage.

Let’s take a closer look at that top right corner.

Oh yes, the first day of December and already it’s reduced from £1.25 to 10p. This was going to be a good one. I felt bad paying only 10p so I bought a drink at the same time. I would have been about seven the last time I went into a shop and spent only 10p.

I got home and opened it to find it also came with a large envelope just for those relatives that only vaguely remember children so send them crap every year. The sort that buy 10 year-olds brut or book tokens or that illustrated book of bible stories that sits on the bookshelf in case Satan or that auntie visits. I wasn’t sending this calendar anywhere. This advent is for you.