Suicide and Sexual Identity

*DISCLAIMER* This subject matter might not be for everyone. I apologize in advance if any of this is offensive to anyone. There's no vulgarity or inappropriate tone involved, but it is a personal matter.

Finding this board was like discovering gold. There's no other way to put it. It is literally a life-saver.

I won't go into too much of my life story. There is a time and place for everything. But if I can make this brief, I don't identify myself as "gay", but my sexual orientation is homosexual; or same-sex-attraction (SSA). I am a 28 year old [AA] male.

I have pretty much had this SSA from as early on as I can remember. I have always wanted love and deep down been a hopeless romantic. In an ideal world, I would be a prince who falls deeply in love with another prince and lives happily ever after. But this is not an ideal world. It is a fallen world. So, naturally, my life has not gone as planned; not by a long shot.

I make plans (relationship, domestic, academic, economic) over and over and over again, and things never turn out how I want them to. For men, professionalism is the most important thing on earth to us. You take our career or ability to be a provider or ability to be stable, you strip us of our identity all together. I'm sure any man can attest to this.

But as I learn myself day by day, I am coming to the conclusion that my setbacks don't come from where I have been thinking they came from. It's not a lack of self discipline (to a degree, yes, but not solitarily). It's not just a lack of self esteem (although it is to a degree). It's not because of a poor upbringing. It's a combination of each of these things to a degree, but not simply. It's something bigger than these issues. Overall, it's a matter of identity.

A sense of identity that I lack. I may have some sense of identity; obviously. Part of it comes from my writing and journaling. But, I'm still trying to figure myself out everyday; constantly. Even as I write this...I don't know what I'm going to write next--I just let it flow from the heart.

I have even thought that it was my sex life which has stagnated my life. And while I realize that it IS a big part of the puzzle, I also realize that it is only a symptom of something deeper; something that is missing in my life--it's a deep void. But I know that it revolves around relationship. Relationship with who or what, I couldn't tell you. But my relationship with people is a start. I feel like people don't get me and I don't get people. I can smile and chat with the best of them. But deep down, I know that most of my interaction with people is superficial. People can be so fake themselves. Everyone knows how to have manners. But deep down, people can be thinking all kinds of things. It's even gotten back to me on several occasions that people were talking about me behind my back and speculating as to what was wrong with me. Some people were downright degrading and belittling me. So I know that people can act one way and be something totally different.

However, my biggest issue that I'm dealing with now IS my sex life. It's a long story, but I have been experimenting (basically) from a young age...in trying to find out who I am and what I actually like. Even though none of those experiments has been with the opposite sex. Some of these experiences I considered healthy, but most of them were not. And the older (or more conscious) I have gotten, it seems the worst they have been...down to the most recent...

A lot of these people I have been with, I wasn't even attracted to them at all. And they would've never known it, because I pretended I was...for whatever reason. It was basically all about the 'feeling'--never love or attraction. It was all about me; self affirmation. It's never been about the other person, because I couldn't have cared less about them. I now realize how narcissistic I have been. Because after just about every encounter, I have felt so disgusted, with myself and with them. And each time, I have felt that a piece of me -a big chunk, was chipped away for good. And I have been promiscuous, so there's no telling just how much of me has been lost. But the more I have done it, the less sensitive I have become. And now, I feel absolutely numb. And believe it or not, now, I am terrified that I will never be able to love again.

Some of these people I was with were so disgusting, gross, and hideous to me; to say the least. It's like I can still feel them and smell them on me. And I can't stand it! I can't take enough baths to clean their energy off of me. I carry these individuals with me everywhere I go. I can't focus on my school work, my job, or anything else completely, because they are occupying space in my brain. I can't stop thinking about those disgusting experiences. I wish I could erase them from my memory forever; but that's not possible. And this is only what I think of them. There's no telling of all that they think of me. I know that they think I'm garbage, and at least not worthy of a relationship. Some of them have let me know, in one way or another. It's like they've already had me, so there's nothing else left to be intrigued by or remotely interested in. I'm not respected or seen as special. So, basically, I have no value at all to them. The irony of this is, I know that I could have had someone(s) much more attractive than them, but because I sold myself short, these people are all that I'm worth (if this makes any sense). I couldn't even get the caliber of person who I once felt I was worthy of. And even if I could/would, I would not be able to enjoy them, because their spirit would always be in competition with all of the rest of the spirits that I intertwined mine with. I would always have those other people in bed with me. And I would never be able to give all of me to my significant other, or receive all of him. I feel I would be doing any quality person a disservice.

And this makes me feel worse than crap. I feel less valuable than a prostitute. At least a prostitute would've gotten money out of the deal. But I got nothing but a broken heart many times over, and bad karma. When you talk about feeling like crap; that doesn't even fit my situation. I feel much less than crap. Crap has some value, if you use it for fertilizer. I feel that everything I will ever touch will turn into dead weight. And I can't live with this. I really don't want to die. But I don't want to live either. I feel trapped and hopeless. There's no other way I can pt it. I am in a pit, and I seriously see no light at the end of the tunnel. I want to so badly. But I don't.

I'm not homosexual, but there is a few things about relationships in general that I've heard time and time again that can apply to any type of relationship.

It seems your frustrations with relationships are bringing you down. It looks like you are looking for someone else to feel the void. But, from personal experience I know is that before you can love someone else you have to happy with who you are. If you can't love yourself, how do you expect another person to love you?

I've been single most my life. The few relationships I have had were downright terrible. I've only dated three people in my life (I'm 25). The first turned out to be dating about 4 other people at the same time. I know some people go through a stage like this before they settle, but honestly I just wasn't into her and knowing I was basically competing with 4 other guys didn't help matters. I simply just gave up on that relationship

The second was me being basically used. I wouldn't call this guy a friend more just someone I knew in high school. If I would of ran into him somewhere I might say hello and have a small talk conversation. By no means was he ever really someone I'd consider a close friend. He recently broke up with his girlfriend and she started dating me. This seemed to infuriate him. Just the whole situation was horrible, and the girl was just using me to get back at him.

The third one had some serious mental issues. It was hard to ever have a rational conversation with her. It eventually turned out that once again I felt somewhat used simply because I had a car. It wasn't long before she would call me constantly as if I was her personal taxi cab. I have since distanced myself from her. I never really enjoyed hanging out with her but I did it anyway for some reason or another.

From those experiences with horrible relationships I now think I'm happier without those in my life. I'm not saying I'm giving up on ever finding a real true relationship, but the failures just bring me down to the point where I don't really think I need that in my life at this point.

How can you be homosexual but not gay? Don't they mean the same thing?

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Well they do....I think Fire-7 is meaning stereotypically gay. When I came out pretty much EVERYONE I've told or that found out are like "Wow, you don't seem gay! *strange shocked face*".

I read somewhere that: "There are gay people, and people that are gay." I personally don't understand the difference between gay and homosexual. Gay is more of a laid back term, and it's easier to say(less syllables).

I'd suggest what flowingriver said, you seem like a very spiritual person.

I read somewhere that: "There are gay people, and people that are gay." I personally don't understand the difference between gay and homosexual. Gay is more of a laid back term, and it's easier to say(less syllables).

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So gay is more of a lifestyle choice and being homosexual means that you're attracted to the same sex. Like a 'gay-bar' for example?

Being gay isn't a 'life style choice'. Far as I'm concerned, gay annd homosexual mean the same thing. It's just that people tend to have a certain lable when it comes to 'gay' people and when someone like me(any non-stereotypical gay person) they are like, "Wow, you don't seem like it!" etc.

Homosexual is the technical term. Gay is easy and more casual in my books.

Some people are just more 'gay' then other people. Unfortunately others think of homosexuals as the feminine(spelling?) type, where as I'd say the feminine type is more of a minority. That personality probly just comes to the fore-front of someones mind when they think of the word 'gay'. Just like there are many different straight people, there are also many different gay people.

And a gay bar is really just a place where people go to meet other people like them. There's no point in going to a regular 'straight' bar if you're looking for someone of the same gender(that is homosexual) :laugh:.

I am no sexologist but the word Gay started being used as a endearing way to describe a homosexual man as all gays were supposedly happy bubbly people. It is now sort of accepted that gay is the same as homosexual.

God knows how wrong they were about gays being happy people!

Anyway gay is a forgettable word and does not describe you as a person, only that you are SSA. there are feminine people and masculine people , there are more active and less active people, there are more dominant and less dominant people in both the Gay and hetero community. There are hetero guys that love being dominated or sodomized by their partners with a sexual toy or a finger, thats not what you would describe as being a Straight trait, there are gays that dont like to be penetrated and thats considered a straight trait... there are gays that dont look at all effeminate and that no one knows they are homosexual and there are hetero guys that are so effeminate that it hurts!. There are gay guys that like dressing up in womens clothes but there are plenty of straight guys that like dressing up with their wives clothes. If I had a coin for every married guy that has had sexual contact with another guy I would be very very very rich and If people were totaly honest about their sexuality I frankly dont know what part of the population would have more to hide, the gay or the hetero one.

All this to say that there is no black and white, positive or negative within sexuality, just live and let live.

Ps) before someone tells me that I am forgetting about procreation, yes there has to be the union of a man and a women but frankly with the assexuality that women are imposing on men in the name of equality, in a few years time women will be as disposable as men with regards to childbirth. Both will deposit a seed in some sort of incubator that you have at home.

OK, this may be a stupid question, but have you had any help at all from anywhere in the past?

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If you mean like psychological help, no, I have not had any professional help. I have spoken with spiritual people -- psychics or "spiritual advisors". but I would condider them more of entertainers than professionals.

I have considered getting professional help when I am able to afford it. There's a free place here in my city that helps people psychologically. But I don't go to them for two reasons. 1 is the fact that the office is local, and needless to say, I don't want my business out there like that. I know about the "confidentiality" thing, but I would still be too embarrassed, being that my parent works for the state and is my family is known in the city. 2 is There was an incident that took place at that same clinic (or whatever you call it) with a counselor molesting one of their clients. But it didn't even take that much for me to know that just because someone has the title of "counselor" doesn't mean that they can be trusted. However many years of school someone may have gone through, they are still human. And human beings are flawed--and let's face it--untrustworthy people.

Being gay isn't a 'life style choice'. Far as I'm concerned, gay annd homosexual mean the same thing. It's just that people tend to have a certain lable when it comes to 'gay' people and when someone like me(any non-stereotypical gay person) they are like, "Wow, you don't seem like it!" etc.

Homosexual is the technical term. Gay is easy and more casual in my books.

Some people are just more 'gay' then other people. Unfortunately others think of homosexuals as the feminine(spelling?) type, where as I'd say the feminine type is more of a minority. That personality probly just comes to the fore-front of someones mind when they think of the word 'gay'. Just like there are many different straight people, there are also many different gay people.

And a gay bar is really just a place where people go to meet other people like them. There's no point in going to a regular 'straight' bar if you're looking for someone of the same gender(that is homosexual) :laugh:.

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RIGHT

"Gay" and homosexual means virtually the same thing. But I, as many others do, associate the term "gay" with more of a flamboyant lifestyle. And I am, by no means, flamboyant. Maybe I will be at some point. I don't know. But I'm not "out". that's why I don't pin the "label" on myself. Because, to me, it is a label. But like someone said above, "gay" is more of a laid back (easier) term to use (less syllables)--rolls off the tongue easier. So, maybe I will eventually get over the stigma and become more comfortable with using it. Bt as I said, I just don't like being lebeled.

There are hetero guys that love being dominated or sodomized by their partners with a sexual toy or a finger, thats not what you would describe as being a Straight trait, there are gays that dont like to be penetrated and thats considered a straight trait...

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Does enjoying sodomy make a straight person any less heterosexual?

As for your second assertion, it is patently false. Are gay men who penetrate other men heterosexual?

No. Just because you aren't stereotypically gay (or straight), does not mean that you aren't gay (or straight). You can call yourself what you wish, but it doesn't change the fact that you are sexually attracted to people of your same gender (or opposite gender).

As for your second assertion, it is patently false. Are gay men who penetrate other men heterosexual?

No. Just because you aren't stereotypically gay (or straight), does not mean that you aren't gay (or straight). You can call yourself what you wish, but it doesn't change the fact that you are sexually attracted to people of your same gender (or opposite gender).

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All sorts of agreement. If a sex act is between a man and a woman it's purely heterosexual REGARDLESS OF THE ACT (possibly barring roleplay involving gender switching).