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Arnold Schwarzenegger's hometown in Graz, Austria, waved
torches Tuesday night to celebrate his victory in California.
Their joy was unbounded. Due to the language difficulty, they
thought they were celebrating his victory over California.

Eunice Kennedy Shriver and Maria Shriver stood onstage with
Arnold during his victory speech. They heard about his womanizing
and steroid use and they knew one thing. No politician will ever
tell Arnold Schwarzenegger you're no Jack Kennedy.

Arnold Schwarzenegger appeared onstage Monday with women
supporters who call themselves Remarkable Women for Arnold. It's a
mature group. Collectively they take so much iron that halfway
through each speech, they slowly began turning north.

California election officials expressed relief that no
recount was necessary due to faulty equipment on Tuesday. The
punch card ballots caused absolutely no problems in Los Angeles
County. Hanging Chad spent all day surfing at Redondo Beach.

The Agriculture Department began a probe into the tiger
attack on Roy Horn of Siegfried and Roy. They want to know if the
tiger was mistreated onstage. Arnold Schwarzenegger wasn't the
only German to beat a white cat with a microphone this week.

Californians told pollsters Tuesday they tossed Gray Davis
for giving driver's licenses to illegal aliens from Mexico. So
that's what did it. If Gray Davis understood the situation he
would have made his concession speech in a coonskin cap.

The Pentagon held a huge sale of unused weapons Friday. They
sold thousands of missiles at discount prices from their warehouse
in Virginia. The Pentagon hopes it will have the same effect as
putting a Wal-Mart just outside North Korea's border.

Pope John Paul appeared healthier during a visit to Pompeii
on Tuesday while Yasser Arafat was reported to be ill following a
mild heart attack. The two men recently met in the Vatican. For
the first time in twenty years, Yasser Arafat was not carrying a
gun, and for the first time in two thousand years, the pope was.