Saturday, December 20, 2014

Sometimes, when someone—your boss, your neighbor—really pisses you off, only a box full of poop sent to their home or office will really satisfy your need to inflict revenge. But so far, at any rate, there isn’t a tutorial on sending your enemies poop in the mail on eHow or Instructables, and until there are, you’re either going to have to do it yourself—yuck—or rely on the good people at Shit Express.

Shit Express is an online company that specializes in, well, sending shit to your enemies (hearing the lamentation of their women is not included in the service fee). It turns out that there are a lot of complex variables to having someone send your enemies poop. The poop of what animal? What should the packaging be? Here’s the step-by-step process, according to Shit Express:

1. Choose an animal.

2. Give us an address.

3. Choose how to wrap your package.

4. Pay anonymously with Bitcoin.

About seventeen bucks will get you a box of horse poop sent to anyone of your choice. At press time, the only poop available was horse poop. Packaging comes in “plain,” “cute,” and “ceremonial.” Apparently one of them, probably “cute,” features smiley faces. Shit Express insists on cryptocurrency like Bitcoin to ensure your anonymity. It’s actually illegal to send certain substances in the mail in some nations, so Shit Express has to navigate the laws in the various countries they ship to (this appears to be unlimited).