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3/5/14

Barack Obama's Diary: Panic attack

Dear Diary: These are very stressful times for us all. I was spooning up the last of my FrootLoops, when Leonid Kharitonov and the Red Army ChoirSong of the Volga Boatmen blasted from my iPresidentophone."Vladimir?" I said, for it was he. "Obamavich, I am not amused by your sending the bonehead Kerry to hold talks in Ukraine, an area that is historically Russian. I have made myself very clear that you are not to interfere in our domestic affairs." I feigned nonchalance.
"Whatcha goin' to do about it, Vlad?" I asked. "You're just bluffing as usual." [I was following Sun Tzu's principle of annoying your enemy to make him concentrate on you rather than the battle at hand.] " You think I'm bluffing?" asked Putin. "Get ready for a phone call from NORAD." Moments later my phone played Hail to the Chief. It was NORAD. They said the Russians had just launched an ICBM. Yikes! I grabbed my phone and yelled into it: "Valerie, Joe, we're under missile attack! Get to the Oval Office ASAP!" I dove under the Resolute Desk and bravely hugged my knees. But enough about me.