No, I know exactly what happened. Tomb Raider happened. The smash hit video game that introduced geeks worldwide to Lara Croft became the movie that turned Angelina Jolie from above-average beauty to unrivaled sex goddess. It's not difficult to figure out why - Angelina Jolie does bear an uncanny resemblance to her character, Lara Croft, and whenever a person so closely mirrors an imagined ideal of beauty, the world loses its mind. It's the same reason Pamela Anderson is as big a star as she is. It's why I continue to sit through episodes of "The Girls Next Door." It may not be thought provoking television, but it does have three girls who look like Barbie.

Angeline Jolie and Lara Croft - Twins

What I don't understand, though, is how Angelina Jolie became such a beacon of sensual pleasure that its sacrilegious for anyone (male or female) to be anything but completely rabid with desire. I will admit she's attractive, but I wouldn't jump through any hoops to get in her bed, just as I'm sure she wouldn't jump through anything to get into mine. Try saying that to a group of your friends. They'll look at you like you just killed Gandhi, Mother Theresa, and the Pope simultaneously.

The fact remains, however, that Angelina Jolie simply isn't that hot. First of all, let's talk about the lips, because they are, in a word, frightening. It looks like someone has placed tiny collagen land mines inside, and is randomly detonating them for fun. They have become an entity unto themselves, and that is never a good thing. Imagine if Cindy Crawford's mole had somehow kept growing and enveloped her head. That is what Angelina Jolie's lips are threatening to do.

Be that as it may, there is always the chorus of men ready to respond, "You know what lips like that are good for…?"

No, I don't. Flotation? Preventing serious injury in the event of a crash?

Look closely, because Angelina Jolie is a centimeter away from being Lisa Rinna, and the only thing her lips are good for is making me pity Harry Hamlin.

Angelina Jolie and Lisa Rinna - Frightening Twins

The disturbing enormity of Angelina Jolie's lips is all the more obvious because of how bony her face is. There are times that I look at her and wonder how her skin doesn't rip. The only thing more alarming is the realization that she is Jon Voight's daughter, and if genetics play out, her face is destined to sag magnificently. There is nothing more disastrous than skin that is too tight immediately becoming too loose. Medical science may have rendered this point obsolete, but nevertheless, I suddenly don't envy Brad Pitt quite as much as I used to.

I realize that my entire criticism of Angelina Jolie has been aimed at her facial shortcomings, and in the interest of fairness, I feel I should acknowledge that the rest of her body is nothing short of amazing. She is extremely well-proportioned, she curves in all the right places, and her body seems to intrinsically know where it's supposed to flatten or bulge. That being said, the fact of the matter is that her face is a let-down. If all you want is a body, go out and find a nice mannequin. I, for one, think that if someone is going to be the undisputed object of everyone else's desire, he or she should be the total package.