Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Motivation Wanted: Apply Within

No Motivation = No Venice = No Crotch Shots

So there you have it. With motivation levels plummeting to an all time low the result was Cherry Doesn't Do Venice, but I guess it's not going anywhere and neither am I. Still it would have been fabulous, had I had an ounce of motivation. Instead I opted for a voluntary 'Lock Down' session in my apartment.

Here are a few things that happened during Lock Down:

* I discovered I have a detachable toilet seat. I may be the last person in the world to know that such a thing actually exists. Nevertheless, I was amazed and thought it was a genius idea.

* When watching a show in English on MTV late at night on Celebrity Couples I learnt that Bobby Brown once cleaned crap from Whitney Housten's butt (it may have been the other way around). Again, I may be the last person on earth to know this fascinating piece of information, but I thought it was just that: fascinating.

* I realised a detox session was in order. Overconsumption of salami and other such goodies. I won't go as far as to giving it all up for the full forty days of Lent, but I'll give it up for a while.

* I seriously need to grasp at least one shred of motivation from somewhere, for crying out loud. Crotch shots couldn't even motivate me, and that's saying something. Fancy choosing to sloth around my apartment over getting out there and discovering this fine land I'm living in. It's ridiculous.

Saturday, February 25, 2006

Fuck the Dumb Shit Homegirl!

The Friend Formerly Known As My New American Friend Maritza* is going to be soooooooo pissed at me. But read the title and repeat out loud 'Fuck the Dumb Shit Homegirl!' Venice and even the possibility of throwing a leg over a well hung, handsome stranger ain't draggin' my fat ass outta bed at that hour. 7.33 am at the station? Guess again, homegirl, for I'm thinking SO not!

So anyway, I have thrown caution to the wind and decided to get thee to Venice tomorrow sans entourage of half cocked war torn soldiers. I spoke to The Friend Formerly Known As My New American Friend Maritza* last night, planning and such like (loves the phrase 'such like' even when used out of context) the events that were to occur today. Blow jobs, however, were not on the agenda for her because, contrary to what I have previously reported, she has never blown a guy before. Word up, Miss Prissy: get some cock in that mouth before it closes over! Puh-leeeeease!

I digress......So I decided NOT to go to Venice, but I am totes (this is a word I THINK I created that is short for 'totally'. I know, I know it's so, like totes, like the plural word for a kind of bag. Like a tote bag, even! But, like, totes fuck off because I created the word with my own bare mind) going tomorrow. Solo! Woohoo! I totes love doing things solo. Mainly for the pure fact that I don't have to do anything that other people want to do if I don't want to do it. Uncompromising bi-atch? You bet your Cherry-kissin' ass I'm uncompromising!

Besides the uncompromising factor, there is also a totes niggling reminder in the back of my mind that still resonates from the phone call last night with The Friend Formerly Known As My New American Friend Maritza*. She said that Ben said (that they said, that I said, that her haridresser said) that, in actual fact, there would be a superfluous man pal present and that if she didn't find a third 'lady friend' to make the Superfluous One's accquaintance, then he QUOTE 'won't be paying her that much attention' UNQUOTE. Of course, hives ensued for The Friend Formerly Known As My New American Friend Maritza*, because him not paying her attention should be right up there with The Eighth Wonder of World, along with her not wrapping her laughing gear around his barely-there appendage as yet. I knew this half dick was just that: A Dick, but this takes the cake. Sorry to The Friend Formerly Known As My New American Friend Maritza* for my phone not working and not picking you up, but I hate to be placed in a situation knowing full well that I will be a totes miserably rude dog to all and sundry. I was so hopeful last night. There was a twinkle in my eye. Today I realised something. Pour moi, going solo is totes the only option.

Claudia, I'll still be taking crotch shots though. It will just be much more obvious. I don't know how to say 'Do you mind if I take a shot of your tadger?' in Italiano but maybe I should put that on my To Do list for today.

*The Friend Formerly Known As My New American Friend Maritza is now referred to as such because she may not want to be friends con moi anymore after today's little episode.

Friday, February 24, 2006

'Sweetie pack your bags. We're meeting Ben and his friend in Venice tomorrow morning - we have to wake up EARLY.' were the words used by My New American Friend Maritza just a moment ago.

My New American Friend Maritza and I are double dating in downtown Venice tomorrow. Take a deep breath and you may just smell a hint of romance lingering in the air! Ben is My New American Friend Maritza's ex boyfriend and Walter is his man pal over from the mighty U.S. of A. My designated task for tomorrow is to be Walter's 'lady friend'. Should I make a name tag saying 'lady friend' or just wear my 'I'm With Stupid' t-shirt? Both great options that reek of romance.

I don't know anything about Walter but I know a whole damn lot about Mr. Ben, like him taking not one but two bullets in his manhood whilst in the combat zone (apparently, still functioning)....Ouch! I can hardly contain my excitement, knowing that I will, at long last, hear him speak his fabulous version of Italiano with my very own ears! SQUEAL!

Ben is suffering from Post Traumatic Stress and My New American Friend Maritza is a walking cloud of anxiety and breaks out in hives every two seconds. I hope they're both hooked up to their drips so the valium doses are kept high enough to ensure they chill the fuck out.

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

The Seven Deadly Sins

Last night I was teaching my student the word 'team'. Interestingly, he somehow turned the topic to The Seven Deadly Sins. This is the second time this has come up in a matter of days so I thought I'd check out what different sites have to say. At the end of each sin, I've outlined my sins (in bold) which are sure to send me to a fate worse than that of a drug mule that's just been sentenced to life imprisonment in the 'Bangkok Hilton'.ENVY

What it is:Envy is the desire for others' traits, status, abilities, or situation.Why you do it:Because other people are so much luckier, smarter, more attractive, andbetter than you.Your punishment in Hell will be:You'll be put in freezing water.Associated symbols & suchlike:Envy is linked with the dog and the color green.

My envy of people with bigger boobs than me and / or enough money to have a boob job.

SLOTH

What it is:Sloth is the avoidance of physical or spiritual work.Why you do it:You're shiftless, lazy, and good fer nuthin'.Your punishment in Hell will be:You'll be thrown into snake pits.Associated symbols & suchlike:Sloth is linked with the goat and the color light blue.

There's no one specific activity that I can pinpoint for this one. Way too many to choose from....

GLUTTONY

What it is:Gluttony is an inordinate desire to consume more than that which one requires.Why you do it:Because you were weaned improperly as an infant.Your punishment in Hell will be:You'll be force-fed rats, toads, and snakes.Associated symbols & suchlike:Gluttony is linked with the pig and the color orange.

If only I had graphed the consumption of cheese, salami, prosciutto, chocolate, riette, pate, foie gras and wine since I have been in Italy and when I was in France.....

WRATH

What it is:Anger is manifested in the individual who spurns love and opts instead for fury. It is also known as Wrath.Why you do it:You're wired for it. Also, the people around you are pretty damn irritating.Your punishment in Hell will be:You'll be dismembered alive.Associated symbols & suchlike:Anger is linked with the bear and the color red.

What it is:Pride is excessive belief in one's own abilities, that interferes with the individual's recognition of the grace of God. It has been called the sin from which all others arise. Pride is also known as Vanity.Why you do it:Well-meaning elementary school teachers told you to "believe in yourself."Your punishment in Hell will be:You'll be broken on the wheel.Associated symbols & suchlike:Pride is linked with the horse and the color violet.

It's true. I am so vain. The song 'You're so vain', was actually written about me.

LUST

What it is:Lust is an inordinate craving for the pleasures of the body.Why you do it:Oh, please.Your punishment in Hell will be:You'll be smothered in fire and brimstone. Not kisses.Associated symbols & suchlike:Lust is linked with the cow and the color blue.

In a nutshell, I'm like a bitch on heat.GREED

What it is:Covetousness is the desire for material wealth or gain, ignoring the realm of the spiritual. It is also called Greed.Why you do it:You live in possibly the most pampered, consumerist society since the Roman Empire.Your punishment in Hell will be:You'll be boiled alive in oil. Bear in mind that it's the finest, most luxurious boiling oil that money can buy, but it's still boiling.Associated symbols & suchlike:Covetousness is linked with the frog and the color yellow.Prada, Gucci, Louis Vuitton, Burberry, Christian Dior......The list goes on.

I also took an online test and I think the results speak for themselves. Lust is obviously my downfall. And funnily enough, when I took the test again 'for the person I'd like to be in five years time', the outcome didn't vary too much. Especially, in the lust department. Do the test and let me know the outcome. See you hell, bitches!

Sunday, February 19, 2006

Is Geek the New Tres Chic?

I am a closet knitter. Whenever I disclose this piece of information I am laughed at. But I happen to think that this pasttime is so geeky it's actually extremely cool. So far this season I have 'created' two 'pieces'. A cherry-red scarf and a matching cherry-red hat. I am in the midst of creating another piece: The Sweater. The Sweater is still a work in progress. Unfortunately, I don't think it will be ready by the time we head off to Trentino at the end of March for our skiing escapade. A shame really. I had grand visions of moi propping up a bar in the mountains, wearing The Sweater, whilst sipping martinis. No wait, make that just plain red wine, the last time I drank martinis I was spied doing a series of quite spectacular face plants due to loss of basic motor skills. So moi, red wine, The Sweater, dimmly lit bar, open fire and a handsome Italian stranger.....

'Si, sweetie' I'd be saying, 'This is my own creation. Si, with my own two hands and a couple of sticks, sweetie.'

I don't know how many other closet geeks there are out there harbouring deep, dark secrets such as hot cross stitched wall hangings saying 'Home Sweet Home' teamed with a nice picture of a cat or multi coloured grandma inspired throws that they have crocheted on the sly, but it's high time these hobbies were seen as cool.

I think they need to be revamped in order to appeal to the masses. Manufacturers of cross stitch patterns should ditch the 'Home Sweet Home' patterns and opt for a more contempary patterns like 'Slut's Place'. And let's see some colourful throws hanging over couches world wide saying 'Ho' in the middle.

Apparently, even Russell 'The Massive Tool' Crowe, thinks knitting is way cool too. So cool he endorses knitting and wool. There's an ad in the wool shop in Parma that pictures Russell 'The Massive Tool' Crowe with wool draped around his neck in a devil-may-care fashion, holding a couple of knitting needles. If Russell's doing it, shouldn't everyone be doing it? I know for a fact that after the phone throwing incident, everyone was out there throwing phones. Get out there peeps and geek it up, Russell style!

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Class Act + Attitude Makeover

Last night I taught my first class. Yesterday, however, I was one big walking raw nerve. Partly due to my Biggest Fuckwit performance the night prior and partly because I knew I had my first class to teach.

When my students arrived I relaxed, after realising I wasn't actually going to die. I ommitted to tell them in my little intro that they were my very first class, and acted like I had done this many a time in the past. It went well, but I regret to inform that there was a distinct lack of aesthetic talent in the class. I had a conversation with Pam's dad yesterday before I went to the class and we agreed that, surely, one out of the six in the male only class had to be do-able. Okay, Pam's dad is 65 and was speaking Italian so I don't think the direct translation was 'do-able', but we were on the same wavelength. However, this was not the case.

I've also decided to revamp my attitude! Let's see how long it lasts, but the last week has been AWFUL, so it's definitely time for a change! Bitterness be gone! Bring on the glass that is half full!

Monday, February 13, 2006

And The Winner Is........

CHERRY!

(Cherry saunters onto the stage, to loud cheers, with an air of smugness to accept the award)

'Thank you! Wow! What can I say? I'm thrilled to be winning this award! But I must say, I'm not even a little surprised. I felt my performance last night was a great performance, possibly my best work to date. I'd like to thank God for blessing me with such fabulous skills required to make it possible to really take my art to the next level. Without them, winning this prestigious 'BiggestFuckwit' award would not have been possible. Thank you!'

(Cherry blows a kiss to the audience and sashays backstage)

I'd tell you all what happened, but then my competition might be too fierce next year................

There are so many things I'd like to write about. Be that the absolute shithouse night that we had last night, or the fact that I miss my dog. (I'll just post a pic of my dog and it'll be fine).......

So this night, last night.... It was a toss up between cancelling for the second night in a row with the 'new friends', sitting and wallowing in self pity, or sticking pins in my eyes for nigh on eight hours. Hindsight is such a wonderful thing, and I wish I had have opted for a night in and the pins in eyes scenario'... I was full of hope initially. 'Ping pong! Yeah cool!' (My new friends hubby is a ping pong player)

Fuck me! Who was I kidding? Suddenly 'the sticking pins in my eyes' option was starting to shine. All too late though. I was too far from home and the pins were just beyond reach.......FUCK! Where was I? And why on earth was I there? More to the point: Why had I draggged the unsuspecting Maritza along? Poor bitch.....

Anyway, as Maritza and I evaluated our company, bitterness ensued. We sat in the dully lit bar (whilst the heated ping pong match played out a few metres away) dicussing our englishly challenged counterparts. MYGOD! is all can say about the one that irked us the most. She was wearing really thick, tres unfashionable glasses with revolting frames, that highlighted the 'gorgeous' lilac eyeshadow she chose to sport, coupled with the virginal pale pink lipstick and earrings. She was an innocent whore in diguise (is there such a thing??). Despite the OTT (over the top) PDA's (public displays of affection) there is no excusing the lilac eyeshadow, fake mother of pearl spectacle frames, pale pink lipstick and earrings, not to mention the other cheap shit she was wearing for her REVOLTING BF (Did i mention the sequinned jeans with mismatched Dr. Martins????)!!

Initially Maritza and I thought the Xanadu Gal's BF was possibly the best of a bad bunch in our sights. Boy, were we wrong! We soon looked twice, thrice and then we chose to chew our own heads off rather than sexually evaluate the ferat looking-xanadu-mother-of-pearl-loving-SOB. No seriously..............

It was either that or die from asphyxiation.... We ended up at an Irish bar (prob would have pref'd to choke on own vomit), where I feigned exhaustion and Maritza displayed her stress inspired hives.............I actually would've killed to have brought a strapping young lad home with me last night, but it wasn't to be..............I live in hope! XXXX

Friday, February 10, 2006

Irritable Bitch Syndrome

My IBS is flaring up again. If I were to pen some lyrics to a song right now, there'd be more angst than an Avril Lavigne and Alanis Morissette duet. Like the faint smell of shit that was lingering over The 'Ganza yesterday, I don't know exactly where this general 'lack of clarity and motivation' feeling is coming from. My stars today said the following:

If there is an emotional issue that is bringing you down, Renee, make sure you find healthy ways to relieve the situation. Overeating or drinking will not solve the problem. This will only mask your difficulties and make them much harder to deal with in the future. It is time to pull yourself out of the rut and add a fresh new breath of life to the situation. You have a great deal of love to share with the world.Yeah, right. Maybe that should have been yesterday's horoscope. Like, before I ate all the chocolate, salami and prosciutto and washed it down with copious amounts of red wine.

Anyway, there are semi trailers full of shit pissing me off that I can put my finger on though. Like my so called 'friends' from Australia, that are just 'too busy' to reply to my lengthy emails that are time consuming to write. Uh huh, sure. Sing me another song because I've heard that one so many times. Maybe I should send out a blanket email to all and sundry simply stating that they are in danger of being made redundant in my friendship department. I'm sure that would go down like a cup of cold sick....

On a lighter note, I'm stepping out tonight with some new friends tonight. Should be fun and I hope there are hot guys aplenty sniffing about. Fingers crossed!

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Si, sweetie, si!

On Saturday my New American Friend, Maritza, and I popped up to Milan for the day. We had lunch in the Galleria, shopped, spun three times on the bull's balls for luck and then went to her friend's birthday party.

Evidentally, spinning on the bull's balls did not bring us luck. Quite the contrary. We had a good time at the party, laughing about Maritza's ex boyfriend an American soldier that speaks Italian with an American accent, can't conjugate the verbs and is under the illusion that his linguistic skills are on par with that of a native speaker. Take the phrase 'Tavola per due per favore' (table for two please) and say it with the thickest American accent and then some. Voila! There you have a vague idea of the way this cocky young lad likes to speak.

I did love the way the Born Again Christian Girl at the party spoke though. Not only her Italian (again American accent but not SO bad), but the over annunciation of her english gave me every reason to go and sit out on the balcony, well and truly out of ear shot. Try saying the following with an American accent and in a completely over the top, over exaggerated manner 'Oh my god, you guys-ah! The apartment looks SOOOOO nice-ah!'

Maybe it was karma for taking the piss out of the way her ex speaks Italian or a wrong spin on the bull's balls, but we ended up missing the last train back to the Land of Ham and Cheese, Parma. We caught a train to Piacenza and then had to pay an obscene amount of euros to get back to my place with the Satan Faced Cab Driver and his irritating choice of music. I passed the time showing Maritza my fabulous impressions of Oprah (various episodes), Valley Girls (like, hi! okay!) and various models from the Models Talk segment on Fashion TV. Just quietly, I think she was very impressed.

We soon arrived back at The 'Ganza and I could have danced a merry jig, had I the energy. My luck continues to decline with my mobile telephone deciding to throw in the towel mid sms. I'm praying for a miracle that it repairs itself over night.

Thursday, February 02, 2006

My Mother Tongue & I

Looks like my Mother Tongue and I have landed a gig moolighting as an English Teacher. Right time, right place, a few brain explosions later and it's game on for Cherry and the English Grammatical Regime.

I'm really trumping it up though and making out like it has been a walk in the proverbial park or should that be the 'perfect past continuing with future conditional using a modal auxiliary and an if clause in a passive sense with no agent' park?

May well you laugh, dear reader, but the past few days I truly have felt that my brain would explode. It amazes me that I would find myself in a foreign country, not only attempting to learn their language but also my native english. I remember when I got here to check out the scenario with my other job before giving it the green light and Pam kept on about all of this 'You know when it's perfect present but then it changes to perfect present continuing.....?' .....'Dah! No. Sorry Pam, can't help you there. No idea what you're talking about.' Now I do.....kind of..........at least I'm about to find out and be able to rattle it off like my Italian friend.

Anyway, just when I thought the brain explosions were about to hold a ceasefire, I'm going into training tomorrow. It's training on actually HOW to teach which will come in very handy and it's going for three days. I can only imagine my excitement/stress levels at the end of the third day if the past few days of trying to complete the thirty questioons in the 'grammar review' are anything to go by. I'm donning the combat gear, war paint and commando rolling in there ready to face the grammatical warfare that lies ahead!

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Suddenly a New Contender

After a full two days on the internet dating scene, I decided I'd be giving it a very wide birth. I realised the thrill of Phase One just wasn't happening in Phase Two, and not just because I had a profile on a sex site (in Phase One) as well as one of the average ones. I momentarily thought that adding my drag queenish photo to my profile may just have been the ticket to regaining the fascination that once was. Boredom set in very early on in the piece. In actual fact, I think it may have been just after I posted the part about the possible contenders....

However, whilst chatting to a friend the other night there was, suddenly, a New Contender. I decided to check it out evethough I had officially declared 'Boredom' on the Phase Two Fiasco. No harm in a peak. So I checked it out and thought 'I wonder if this guy IS really the guy in in the picture'. I showed Paul, who agreed the New Contender was most certainly was a none other than a catalogue model. This loser had a picture of a catalogue model and had whacked it on his profile and was now attempting to pull the wool over my eyes. I asked Paul if perhaps I should somehow ask him for some other pictures. Since this picture was called me1, I thought surely there must be a series of 'me' photos. In the end I couldn't be bothered putting in the effort to catch this phoney out and like Paul said, I'd probably have to wait a month or two for the next catalogue to be delivered before I got more pictures. I must admit for a minute I thought 'What if it really is him?' he looked similar to Danny, that guy on Young and the Restless but with a large-ish sort of chin. Not as big as John Tesh (former co host of E! who I still proclaim has had a chin implant because no one is born with something that huge hanging hanging off their lower lip), and quite square. But then the whole picture was ruined by this hideous green, possibly velour lounge that he was posing on. You know that whole lying on your stomach but up on your elbows with hands clasped in front of you? It was that, with floppy hair, the chin and a grin that screamed 'Don't you wanna buy a green, velour lounge?'.