Marriage Makeover: "The romance is disappearing from our marriage"

With full-time jobs, a family to raise and a small business to launch, Kevin and Shanan don't have much couple-time. Our Redbook Marriage Institute expert explains why this common problem is a relationship red flag and how couples can tame their schedules to reconnect.

Kevin and Shanan Porter live five minutes from the lake where they've spent countless happy hours fishing since they met in high school in 1995. But the couple, who, in Shanan's words, enjoyed "a fairy-tale wedding" in 2003, haven't picked up their fishing poles in three years. Nor have they shared the other two activities they love -- tennis and inline skating. "The skates are gathering dust," Shanan, 27, says ruefully. Adds Kevin, 27, "I don't remember the last time we walked down the street holding hands." With full-time jobs (Kevin is in manufacturing; Shanan, advertising sales), their 3-year-old daughter, Elisa, to take care of and an online industrial supplies business to get off the ground, they don't have much room for romance.

"There was a time when our world wasn't all about work," says Kevin. Shanan shares his frustration: "We're drifting apart. We don't even ask, 'How was your day?' It's, 'Did you call so-and-so about the order?' or 'Elisa's got gymnastics.' I'm afraid of waking up in 10 years with a thriving business and a spouse who feels like a stranger." The Porters' situation may be an extreme example of what many couples go through, but they're dealing with a common problem: They're letting work drain the romance out of their lives -- and possibly derail their marriage.

On weeknights, after gobbling down dinner with Elisa, the pair go into divide-and-conquer mode to get chores and work done. "We only have one computer. If Shanan's folding laundry, I see an opportunity to work online," explains Kevin. Adds Shanan, "If we're not accomplishing something, we're wasting time." Indeed, after getting Elisa to sleep, Shanan tends to use the computer until 2am -- and by then, Kevin's asleep. On weekends, the two work on separate home-improvement projects. It's not as if they're avoiding each other, both say. But spending alone-time together just keeps getting pushed down on the couple's to-do list. "Sometimes I'll say, 'Put the work away. It's Friday night.' But Kevin won't stop," says Shanan. "Then Sunday night, he'll go, 'Why didn't we do anything fun this weekend?'"

Babysitter blues.
Even when the two agree to go on a date, figuring out who will babysit Elisa is a chronic source of conflict. Options are few since neither trusts anyone outside of the family. One option is Kevin's mother, who lives around the corner from the couple's house. But Kevin is reluctant to ask her. "I don't want my mom to feel obligated to babysit," he says. "She took care of me when I was little. It's my turn to make the sacrifices."

Kevin also insists that only he make babysitting arrangements with his mother, which infuriates Shanan. "It's all under his control," she says, adding that Kevin's protective stance is completely unnecessary: "The two times a month she does sit, Kevin's mom is in seventh heaven. She dotes on Elisa." With so much angst involved in trying to line up help, the couple often find themselves staying home.

Frequent romance-busting squabbles.

Both Kevin and Shanan feel that the other can be inconsiderate, which leads to arguments. "We're equal partners in the business, but Kevin discounts my suggestions," says Shanan. "I wind up feeling hurt, which makes me less determined to insist he watch a movie with me."

Kevin admits that, as an expert in manufacturing, he can be dismissive of Shanan's ideas -- "Instead of explaining how to do something, I just insist she's wrong" -- but he feels equally slighted. "There are piles of unopened boxes in our home office filled with clothes Shanan bought online," he says. "With all the money she spends on clothing, it's upsetting to me that she doesn't even open up the boxes.

"Shanan and Kevin's motto is, Work hard now and enjoy life later. That's not a good rule to follow," says Tina B. Tessina, a couples counselor, author of 11 books -- including It Ends with You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction -- and a Redbook Marriage Institute expert. To get back the romance, this couple needs to find ways to shift their focus from working for the future to taking care of their marriage today. "Making time for fun is absolutely as much a priority as earning money," says Tessina.

Plotting out all of their plans on a calendar -- even leisure activities -- will ensure that Kevin and Shanan don't put off valuable personal time. It'll lower their stress levels, too, since they'll know exactly what's getting done around the house and for their business.

"Their marriage is 100 percent work-focused crunch time," says Tessina. "They need to distinguish between true deadlines and tasks that can wait by asking questions like, 'Is getting these invoices out so essential that I have to give up Saturday morning?'" Tessina advises that about 10 percent of the couple's day -- or about an hour and a half -- be reserved for couple- or family-time during weekdays, more during the weekends.

Make couple-time really count.

To further keep work from taking over their lives, Tessina suggests that Kevin and Shanan adhere to certain rules, such as: When it's personal time, work discussions are verboten. (Each should remind the other of the rule if work comes up.) If something truly important pops into one of their heads, they should leave a message for the other person on the business voice mail or write a Post-it note.

Once a week, the couple should devote a half hour to catching up and learning new things about each other so that they can truly connect. They can use this time to make plans for long-delayed activities, like fishing, or for doing low-key, bond-building activities together, such as scrapbooking or filling a box with mementos of meaningful moments they've spent together. "It will create romantic feelings each time they look through it," says Tessina.

And instead of always splitting up to accomplish more, Kevin and Shanan could do the smaller tasks together to bond. "While chopping salad, they can reminisce over their senior class trip, or better yet, plan an outing. It's about attitude," says Tessina.

Work with, not against, each other.

Kevin and Shanan's fights about "little" things are a bigger deal than they realize. "They're really power struggles," says Tessina. To avoid impulsively dismissing Shanan's opinions about their business, Kevin can pretend she is a potential customer expressing her concerns or a one-person focus group providing valuable input. Once Shanan feels heard, she'll be more likely to tend to the boxes that drive Kevin crazy.

Dilemmas like the babysitter standoff are best solved with a team approach. Kevin and Shanan could approach Kevin's mother together and ask her how often she'd like to babysit. The couple can also brainstorm other options, such as making connections with parents in Elisa's day-care program who might be able to babysit. "Once negative feelings toward each other dissipate," says Tessina, "there will be more space in the relationship for joint problem-solving -- and romance."

The Couple's Reaction

Shanan: "We have keepsakes -- sentimental cards, tickets from our honeymoon cruise -- all over the house. I love the idea of putting our mementos together. It'll inspire us to make new memories to preserve."

Kevin: "The advice was right on target. We went out last night and didn't talk about work once! It was liberating to know there's more to us than the business."

8am to 9am
Before: Shanan wakes, showers, gets Elisa ready and drops her off at day care on her way to work.
After: Shanan gets Elisa up, showers, takes her to day care, then goes to work.

9am to 5:30pm
Before: Kevin and Shanan work; Shanan picks up Elisa at the end of the day.
After: Kevin and Shanan work, pick up Elisa, return home together

5:30pm to 7pm
Before: They take turns making dinner, tending to Elisa and doing chores.
After: Make dinner and do chores together, tend to Elisa, eat.

7pm to 9:30pm
Before: They take turns watching TV and playing with Elisa. Shanan does chores. Kevin works on their business.
After: Couple/family-time -- watch TV, talk, etc. Together give Elisa a bath.

9:30pm to 10:30pm
Before: Shanan gives Elisa a bath and puts her to bed.
After: Put Elisa to bed. Work on business together.

10:30pm
Before: Kevin goes to bed. Shanan works on their business till 2am.
After: Couple-time. Bed.