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Wednesday, October 31, 2007

In celebration of/preparation for Halloween, last night I went to beautiful Fremont, MI, to speak to the locals about the dangers of vampires. Now, as I was already two-thirds of the way into my annual seven day Halloween candy binge, I left a few details out. So, for your Halloween reading pleasure, here are Jennifer Armintrout's Top Ten Least Known Facts About Vampires:

1. Nearly all vampires will respond to some variation of "Hey, Dracula."

2. Peanut butter, in lieu of wooden stakes, will work just fine to kill vampires, as most vampires have severe nut allergies.

3. Some people think that a house without curtains or visible outdoor lighting indicates that Amish live inside. Not so. Vampires dislike drapes and patio lights as much as the next evil creature.

4. Also, most Amish are also vampires.

5. The leading cause of all crippling stomach pain diagnosed in the United States in 2006 was "Vampire Related Anxiety."

6. Broadway musicals about vampires rarely succeed, due to lack of support from the vampire community. This is because vampires prefer ice shows.

7. Vampires are known the world over for turning into mist and seeping across the country side. Every time you drive your car through some fog, you're probably killing harmless baby vampires.

8. Vampires named Dave are usually stand up guys.

9. If you pay a vampire to rake your lawn, keep an eye on him. He'll probably cheat you.

10. Sending a vampire flowers can be a troublesome endeavor, as a recent "Dutch Fever" epidemic has left most vampires unable to tolerate the sight of tulips.

Monday, October 29, 2007

Apparently, as an author of creepy books, I have some sort of occult knowledge of good scary movies. "Jenny," people say accusingly, "You're an author of creepy books. You must know something about scary movies that we don't."

Well, that is patently false. I only know as much as the next person about a good horror movie. If it scares me, it's good. But, to paraphrase the theme from Different Strokes, what might be scary for you might not be scary for some. So, keeping that in mind, here are my favorite "scary" movies, perfect for this time o' the year:

The Ring Some people find this movie a little so-so. I absolutely freak out when I watch it. I almost pee my pants when the phone rings for about two days after I see this. I guess to some people, like, young people, the fact that it's already really outdated (what the hell is a video tape? Is that some kind of stone-aged entertainment device, like they dug it up at Pompeii or something?) makes it less scary. Well, I've got news for you, teenagers! In the olden days, we had to watch movies on VHS because we didn't have Xbox and we had to make our own fun! Wait, what was I talking about? Oh, yeah, The Ring. Yeah, it's a scary movie.

House Of 1,000 Corpses and The Devil's Rejects You have to watch these two together, because watching just one by its self is unfulfilling. You have to watch them back-to-back to get the whole, awesome story. You know that trash house in your town? The one with the empty hanging flower baskets and broken down cars on the lawn and they keep their Christmas lights up and on all year round and maybe they don't come outside much and when they do they look kind of unfriendly? Yeah, if you watch these movies, you'll be even more afraid of those freaks.

Cube These people wake up and find they've been trapped in a labyrinthine prison of deviously booby-trapped cubes and the only way to escape alive is by solving a complex mathematical equation. WHAT?! WHO THE HELL DOES THAT KIND OF THING? HAVE THEY NO SOULS?! Seriously, that is TERRIFYING. Whoever thought that up is a twisted person who should probably not be trusted to babysit for children. Man. People thing Saw is a scary movie, but Jigsaw could take a page out of whoever made the cube's book. Sawing off your own leg is not scary. Math... math is scary.

From Dusk Til Dawn This is one of those movies where you're like, "Wait, what is this? Is this a comedy? Is this a crime drama? Is this a retro-pop-culture-pastiche?" and then the vampires come. And they are awesome, evil vampires. Just like I like 'em. Awww yeah.

Now, since I have very little else to share today, I'm going to leave you with this, my new favorite commercial:

Thursday, October 25, 2007

If I was, they would not have frigging Swan Lake as their hold music. And it's never just the whole thing playing all the way through or anything like that. It's just the part where the prince sees the swans all dancing around on the lake. It's Tchaikovsky, and it's terrible.

It's like a special kind of hell, actually. "Congratulations, you not only get to pay taxes, you also get to listen to wildly repetitive and mindlessly overblown orchestrations!

Next quarter, I'm going to tape a little note to my tax payment that says, "Please use this money to get new hold music, KTHNXBYE."

So, imagine your own special kind of hell for me. What is the worst thing you could imagine listening to over hold music?

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Okay, so last week I found out I had a weird inflammation in my chest due to also having pneumonia. That was terrible. But the medicine they put me on is worse than having pneumonia and a chest infection. It kind of sucked.

So, I got behind in my work. And my housework, especially. And now, my house is looking a hot mess and I have a party I'm hosting on Saturday. I guess the theme of the party has shifted from "Halloween" to "Party Like You Live In A Condemned Building."

However, being sick has had one pay off. Lots of time to take the Wii internet browser for a spin and use the internet on my totally awesome giant plasma screen. And what did I browse for, besides Dresden Files fan fiction in which Harry and Bob get it on, you ask? I looked for movie news. Namely, Sweeney Todd news.

If you have never heard of Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street, the magnum opus of one Sir Stephen Sondheim (he was knighted in absentia by me, ruler of my own country of Jenopia), then I weep a frenzy of weeps for you, dear reader. It's simply the best musical ever. EVER.

The very basic plot is that Benjamin Barker, a barber transported to prison in Australia for a crime he didn't commit, returns to find that-- through the machinations of the evil judge who sentenced him-- his wife has poisoned herself and his daughter has been raised as the Judge's own child. He sets about getting revenge, which ultimately entails killing unwitting customers who come in for a shave and then letting his neighbor cook them into pies.

And they're making it into a movie.

Starring Johnny Depp.

And Helena Bonham Carter.

And Alan Rickman.

And Anthony Stewart Head.

If that wasn't enough, it's directed by TIM BURTON.

TIM BURTON. IS DIRECTING. A MOVIE VERSION. OF SWEENEY TODD. BY STEPHEN SONDHEIM.

The amount of cool in this one movie alone will probably be enough that-- and I don't want to alarm anyone here, but I just thought you should be warned-- the universe is going to implode under the sheer, gravitational force of that much awesome.

Two trailers have been released, and I'm going to give them over to you to brighten your day, the way slit throats and cannibalism always brightens mine.

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Okay, so, on Thursdays, after I drop me, jr. at school, I go to my friend Scott M's house (you might recognize Scott M from the dedication in book three) and we listen to funny stuff. Currently, at this very second, we're listening to Patton Oswald. Hi-larious stuff, my friends.

If, like me, you enjoy a good, dirty laugh with filthy words but smart content, Patton Oswald is for you.

Also, if you're like me, and you enjoy a good, dirty laugh with filthy words and borderline retarded drug humor, Dave Attell is for you.

So, knowing that I love Dave Attell and Patton Oswald, who else will I like? Got any awesome recs of comics for to make me chuckle?

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Seriously, though, I've been puzzle sober for like, a while now, with one tiny relapse a few months ago. I didn't finish that puzzle, though. I put it away before the madness could take hold.

Right now, I'm way over deadline on revisions for book four. I maybe have mentioned that. It is demanding so much of my time that my house looks like one you'd see on one of those shows where the cops come in and rescue a hundred and twelve cats because the filth just might kill them if they stayed a moment longer. I'm surviving, basically, on a diet of candy and Diet Coke, though my family is fairing better with bologna sandwiches and canned soups. But what am I doing in my precious and scarce moments of free time during the day?

Monday, October 15, 2007

I suppose I can just throw a little something up here, so when archaeologists find this blog in the future, they'll say, "Here was someone who was a consistent blogger. We can tell from the carbon dating of these entries that she started off a bit shaky, but she really did pull it together eventually."

Speaking of pulling it together eventually, I'm still hard at work on book four in the Blood Ties series. Which is fun and great and all of that, but revisions are HARD. All through the last quarter of the book, someone is crying on every page. Now, don't take that and go "Ooh, the last quarter of the book is sad! I bet Harry Potter dies in it," because that's not the case. People are crying for no particular reason sometimes. I think I was having some serious hormonal problems when I was writing that. It literally reads like every character in the book is six months pregnant: "I asked Nathan to pass the chips. He broke down, his back shaking with silent sobs as he handed the bowl to me." Obviously, not that ridiculous, but it seems that way as I'm proof reading it. My editor actually wrote "NO MORE CRYING!!!!" on one page. I'm surprised she didn't hang herself after reading this, because I'm getting close.

It always amazes me how much I don't remember about a book that I've written just a few months ago. I'm reading through this and finding things and going, "Wow, that is awesome! I can't believe I wrote that!" Or, alternately, "Wow, that is gross! I can't believe I wrote that."

Yes, you heard it here first, folks: Blood Ties Book Four: All Souls' Night has some of the grossest descriptions I've ever written. I'm not going to go into too much detail here, but toward the end of the book I almost made MYSELF sick when I read what I'd written.

Stephen King, watch out. I'm right on your ass in the gross out department over here.

Sunday, October 14, 2007

Went to a wonderful GRRRWA meeting this weekend, where Colleen Gleason talked about self promotion and I realized that I'm such a horrible blogger. Apparently, I'm supposed to be doing this every day. Oh, and talking about Alan Rickman a lot, because people just seem to like the guy and they like it when you blog about him.

I can't blame them. Alan Rickman is a pretty neat guy. And you know, I can't figure out why, exactly. I mean, okay, being in movies must be responsible for a lot of that. Because I'm pretty sure if he was a librarian or a janitor or he ran a dry cleaning business, he wouldn't be quite as captivating. Well, no, scratch the librarian part. Librarians are sexy.

Maybe the lure of Alan Rickman lies in the weird way he talks. He has an accent, but it's not really clear what kind of an accent it is. Think about it... have you ever heard someone talk with exactly the kind of inflection and pronunciation he does? Yeah, he's British, but I've never stumbled across anyone who actually talks like him. Even when I was in England. Don't get me wrong, I'm not accusing him of having a fake British accent like some people (*cough* Madonna! *cough*), but his is just truly bizarre. It's like when Christopher Walken says he doesn't talk funny, he just talks the way he does because he grew up in Queens and you're like, "Um, no one I know from Queens sounds like you."

Anyway, back to Alan Rickman: I don't know what the heck it is about the guy, but people, women especially, just love him. I mean, seriously, Colleen had a picture of him in her presentation slide show and the whole room just went balls nuts. And really, it was just a picture of a middle aged guy with a squinty look that I guess is supposed to be smoldering. I don't know.

I wish I had that kind of startling presence. Like someone could just show a picture of me and everyone would go "OMG OMG OMG I LURVE HER!!!!!11!!1!1 ELEVENTY-ONE!"

So, in conclusion: I will try to be a better blogger, I will try to be a better email pen pal to certain authors who have vis bulla enhanced super powers, and I will try to be more smoldering and squinty like Alan Rickman.

Also, if anyone understands the awesome power Rickman, can tell me what it is?

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IMPORTANT!

I love that my readers want to buy my books out of support/curiosity. Any books I have written will be under Jennifer Armintrout/Abigail Barnette/Jenny Trout. I have no other pen names, and books without those names on them were not written by me, even if the spelling is really, really close.

Heads up, Dear Reader

This is the official blog of Jenny Trout, writer, swearer, and all around obscene person. Under the name Jennifer Armintrout, I wrote USA Today Bestselling fantasy/urban fantasy/paranormal romance. Under the pseudonym Abigail Barnette, I write award-winning romance and erotic romance, both historical and contemporary.

What you can expect to find here in 2013:

Chapter-by-chapter recaps of 50 Shades Freed

Updates on my free online erotic romance serial, The Boss

An in-depth re-watch of the entire series of Buffy the Vampire Slayer

The occasional post about cake

Lots of swearing

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Say whatever you want, but if it's abusive, racist, misogynistic, or generally jerky, be prepared for other commenters to rip you apart. I am fully prepared to watch you guys eat each other. Spam comments will also be eaten, because I fucking love Spam.

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I'm mentally ill!

I suffer from depression, anxiety, OCD, OTD, and self-harm. Do you? Don't be embarrassed about it, okay? It's not your fault.

I find that when I'm down, I can stave off a total crash by listening to music. This is the music that helps me. Maybe it will help you, too. This is my "Get The @#$% Out Of Here, Depression!" playlist on Spotify.