John just bought a new rifle and he couldn’t wait to try it out. He decided he would try his hand at hunting bears. On his hunting trip, John spotted a small brown bear and shot it. A couple seconds after he shot, John felt a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to see a big black bear standing there. The black bear said, “That was my cousin you shot. You’ve got two choices; either I maul you to death or we have sex.”

After considering his options for a moment, John reluctantly decided to have sex with the bear. Even though he was sore for two weeks, John soon recovered and vowed to get his revenge on the big black bear.

John headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it. Again he felt a tap on his shoulder. He turned to find a big grizzly bear standing right next to him. The grizzly said, “You’ve made a big mistake, John. That black bear was my cousin and now you’ve got two choices; either I maul you to death or we have rough sex.” Once again, John agreed to the sex.

John barely survived and it took several months for him to recover. He was determined to get his revenge on the grizzly. John headed back to the woods, managed to track down the grizzly and shot it. Finally, revenge was his, but then there was yet another tap on his shoulder! John turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear looked at him with a sneer and said, “Admit it, John, you don’t come here for the hunting, do you?”

One day a son asks his dad, “What can you tell me about politics? I’m supposed to learn about it for school.”

The father thinks for a moment and replies, “Well son, the best way I can describe politics is to use an analogy. Let’s say that I’m the capitalist because I make the money. Your mom will be the government because she controls everything, the maid will be the working class because she works for us, you get to be the people because you answer to us, and your baby sister will be the future. Does that make sense?”

The boy said, “Well, Dad, I’m not sure. I’ll have to sleep on it and let you know.”

That night, after the family had gone to bed, the little boy was awaken by his baby sister’s crying. He went to check on her and discovered that she had a dirty diaper. So the boy he went down the hall to his parent’s room and found his dad’s side of the bed empty and his mom wouldn’t wake up. He saw a light on in the guest room down the hall so he went to check it out. When the boy reached the door, he saw through the crack that his dad was in bed with the family’s maid. The boy turned around and went back to bed.

The next morning, the boy said to his dad at the breakfast table, “Dad, I think I understand politics now.”

“Excellent, son,” he answered, “What have you learned?”

The boy thought for a moment and said, “I learned that capitalism is screwing the working class, government is sound asleep and ignoring the people, and the future is full of shit!”

Three couples – one elderly, one middle-aged and one newlywed – were interested in joining the church. The priest said, “We have special requirements for new members. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks.” The couples agreed to the terms and they all came back at the end of the two week period.

The priest went to the elderly couple and asked, “Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?”

The old man replied, “No problem at all, Father.”

“Congratulations, you are now members of the church!” said the priest.

The priest went to the middle-aged couple and asked, “Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?”

The middle-aged man replied, “The first week wasn’t too bad. The second week I ended up having to sleep on the couch for a few nights, but yes, we made it.”

“Congratulations you are now members of the church!” said the priest.

Finally, the priest went to the newlywed couple and asked, “Were you two newlyweds able to abstain from sex for two weeks?”

“No Father, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks,” the young man replied sadly.

“What happened?” asked the priest.

“My wife was reaching for a can of soup on the top shelf and she dropped it,” said the man. “When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there.”

“I see. Unfortunately this means you will not be welcomed into our church,” said the priest.

“We know,” said the couple. “We’re not welcome at the grocery store anymore either.”

A man is at the desk in a hotel lobby. As he turns around to leave, he bumps into an attractive woman standing behind him. Unfortunately his elbow hit her square in the breast. The two of them are both pretty startled by the incident. The man turns to the woman and says, “Miss, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I just know you’ll forgive me.” To which the woman replies, “Sir, if your penis is as hard as your elbow, you can find me in room 234.”

Just a friendly warning for all the ladies out there. You may see this man in the parking lot of your local mall offering free mammograms. Don’t fall for it, it’s nothing but a scam. You can’t blame a guy for tryin’ though, can you?

An engineer dies and ends up at the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his list and says, “Ah, I see you’re an engineer, I’m afraid you’re in the wrong place.”

So, the engineer is sent to the gates of hell and is let in. The engineer quickly became unhappy with the comfort level in hell. He started designing and building several improvements. Before long, they’ve got air conditioning, flush toilets, escalators and other amenities. Needless to say, the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan up on the phone and asks sarcastically, “Hey there Satan, how’s it going down there in hell these days?”

Satan responds, “Hey, things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and that’s just a start! There’s no telling what this engineer you sent down here is going to come up with next!”

God replies, “What??? You’ve got an engineer? That must have been a mistake! He should never have gotten down there so please send him back.”

Satan says, “No way in hell! I like having an engineer down here, and I plan on keeping him.”

God says, “Send him back right now or I’ll sue.”

Satan laughs so hard he can barely reply, “Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to find a lawyer?”

A poetry contest had come down to two finalists, a Harvard graduate and a redneck from Texas. They were given a single word, then allowed five minutes to try to come up with a poem that contained the word they were given. This time they were given the word, “Timbuktu.”

The Harvard grad got to go first. This is his poem::

Slowly across the desert sand,
Trekked a lonely caravan,
Men on camels, two by two,
Destination Timbuktu.

The audience applauded loudly thinking there was no way the redneck would be able to come up with a better poem than the Harvard grad. The redneck scoffed, confidently strolled up to the microphone and said:

Me and Tim a huntin’ went.
Met three hoes in a pop up tent.
They was three, and we was two.
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.

Three men were on a trip in Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 gorgeous women. The men started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik walked in.

“I am the master of all these beautiful women. No one else can touch them except for me. You three men must pay dearly for what you have done today. The three of you will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession.”

The sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living. “I’m a police officer”, says the first man. “Then we will shoot your penis off!”, said the sheik.

He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living. “I’m a firemen”, said the second man. “Then we shall burn your penis off!”, said the sheik.

Finally, he asked the last man, “And you, what do you do for a living?” The third man answered, with an ear to ear grin, “I’m a lollipop salesman!”

A tour bus driver is driving with a load of seniors down the highway when he is tapped on the shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts which he gratefully accepts and proceeds to eat. After a few minutes, she taps him on the shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. The little old lady repeats this gesture about three more times. When she is about to hand him another batch, he asks the little old lady, ” Why don’t you eat the peanuts yourself?”