things I think I think at any particular moment in time

It’s a big week for us…the latest show at the theatre opens this week. Kiddo and I have been so busy for the last month and a half getting ready. And sadly this has not been my favorite show to work on, so I am glad that it is almost over. We have a rehearsal on Thursday evening and then six performances over the next three weeks. Then we’ll have our evenings back for a while. Neither of us seem interested in doing the Christmas show.

J just stopped talking to me about a week ago. I sent her a text and asked if she was okay, she had been quiet, and got no response. I don’t know what to make of it. I’ve been bored though, without her to talk to. I got back on two dating websites and have had a few conversations with people but nothing exciting.

The worst part is that I’ve been thinking about P a lot lately. Ever since I went to see her show a couple weeks ago. I hadn’t seen her for about a month before that, and I had finally gotten her at least to the back of my mind, and now bam, she’s right back in there. I’ve tried to ignore it all. I haven’t texted her or anything. I commented on a Facebook post of hers, told her congratulations on a directing gig she had picked up. She liked a status of mine. It’s like, we’re still friendly. Just at a distance. I still have no idea if there is any interest on her part. That’s the worst thing. I wish I could just get a “let’s just be friends” because at least that would be clarity. There would be boundaries. But as it stands now, there’s nothing. I don’t know what we are. I don’t know what she wants. I just know that none of the other girls I’ve dated have come close to her. And I think subconsciously (and sometimes consciously) I am using her as the standard by which I’m judging all of my other dating prospects. It sucks. She said she would come to one of our shows, so that’s probably where I’ll see her next. And then on the 19th we’ll start watching The Walking Dead at our other friends’ house again. And I just know that I’m setting myself up for more heartache. I don’t want that. But I can’t stop.