I have had a fondue pot for a while now but hadn’t had a good reason to bust it out–the fondue pot is a special occasion appliance, no? And I didn’t have a special occasion. So I made my own. And it really was special.

I invited my friend Valerie over and we finally sat down and watched the entire 22-chapter musical masterpiece that is R. Kelly’s Trapped in the Closet. I say finally because I had been hearing about this forever (since the release of the first chapter in 2005); and once I found out that there are going to be more chapters released later this month on IFC, I had to get myself acquainted with the original installments.

But what exactly is Trapped in the Closet? Think of it as a Gilbert and Sullivan operetta that is 90 minutes of the same song again and again and again with just one dude (in this case, R. Kelly) singing all of the different characters. As well as the narration. And one of the characters is named Pimp Lucius.

So here is some classic cheese fondue for the classic cheese that is Trapped in the Closet.

I expected some issues with the consistency of the fondue–I really thought that it’d get all globby at some point (which isn’t surprising considering my ugly history with cream sauces), but this was A-OK. I think that the fact I was working with a non-stick electronic fondue pot helped. I can only imagine what a pain it would be starting it on the stove and then moving it into the pot. It’s hard to have temperature control when you’re working with a tea light, right?

So there you have it–a lovely little fondue with white wine and mixed green salad. The dippers are, French bread, pretzels, artichoke bottoms, apple slices, mushrooms and faux-chicken patty. The patty was Valerie’s idea and it was a damn good one.

This was fab. And fun.

So after a quick dip in the fondue, we cued up the show. I don’t want to give away to much about the story line– but I will just say that it exceeded my expectations. It was a singular experience. We had to rewind multiple times to comprehend what art we had just witnessed. Valerie described it something like this: “50 percent of the time I was laughing. The other 50 percent my mouth was hanging open in shock.” It is so true. It’s like an entire 10 season run of a soap like Dallas condensed into 90 minutes of musical madness: Sex! Secrets! Infidelity! Cliffhangers! Pimps! Drugs! Mystery! Backstabbing! Midgets!

I can’t adequately describe how epic (and hilarious and ridiculous and brilliant) Trapped in the Closet is. So, go HERE and watch all 22 original chapters, and then watch the new chapters on IFC the day after Thanksgiving. Trust me on this one. Here’s a little teaser:

And if you don’t hear from me beforehand, I want to wish you all a lovely Thanksgiving. If you make something a little retro for the holiday, I want to hear about it!

Shred cheese, dredge with flour. Rub cut garlic over inside of fondue pot (it should be ceramic; the metal ones are for fondue Bourguigonne). Pour in the wine, set over low heat. When wine is heated, gradually add cheese, stirring constantly with a wooden spoon. Stir in Kirsch and a pinch of nutmeg and white pepper. Stir until smooth, keeping warm – just below the simmering point. If mixture becomes too thick, thin with a little white wine, a tablespoon at a time. Serve with the cubed bread.
(My husband lived in Switzerland for five years; this recipe is from Nika Hazelton, who provided the recipe for “La Vraie Fondue”. He says this is absolutely, deliciously authentic.) I hope you’ll try it – and love it, too!

Joyce, thanks for the recipe. Now that I have the fondue pot I will definitely make it.
Kirsch! I know that I have a lot of retro cocktail recipes that call for Kirsch–now I won’t have any excuse not to make them.