Oscar-mired baloney

Do the Academy Awards bore you? Do the speeches and the red-carpet chatter seem endless? Do you find it bizarre that the most-watched entertainment spectacle in the world didn’t, or couldn’t, find a host this year?

Never fear – your trusted pop-culture expert is here to sort through all the nominees, as well as a few of the more recent films that somehow didn’t curry Oscar’s favour but still might be worth a watch.

A Star Is Scorned: Sliding in the polls as the SNC-Lavalin controversy spins out of control, a once-beloved and photogenic Prime Minister (Bradley Cooper) launches a singing career with his equally-lustrous wife (Lady Gaga) in the hopes of landing back on the cover of Rolling Stone. You’ll be moved to tears as Justin and Sophie Trudeau launch into their signature duet, “Shallow.”

If Reeves Street Could Talk: An ambitious documentary that follows the intense negotiations prior to the approval of the Destination Reeves Street project with the perspective nobody sought out in the first place – that of the street itself. Battle-scarred and pothole-ridden but still ready to talk, the hardy thoroughfare offers its most salient point late in the movie: “In what universe do you think I’d pass up a chance to have more bicycles and fewer industrial trucks riding along my backside?”

Wreck-It Trump 2 – Trump Breaks The Internet: When a tiny-handed American President (John C. Reilly) gets to swap-out his miniscule digits for huge arms and fists, he pounds away on his Twitter account and fills the cybersphere with ill-timed politicking, grade-school-level insults, and fake national emergencies. His video-game buddy, Vanellope Von Sour (Sarah Huckabee-Sanders), fails to help matters when she recklessly plows her garish race car through the White House press gallery during a routine briefing.

The Political Lifeboat: Determined to take down the Yarmouth-to-Maine ferry and the provincial government that used taxpayers’ funds to build new ferry infrastructure in Bar Harbour, Opposition Leader Tim Houston (Chris Evans) and his Tory caucus take to the high seas in the S.S. Court Challenge, only to find their lifeboat – and their lawsuit – taking on more water than they can handle. Co-starring Sam Elliott as Lloyd Hines and Ty Burrell as Stephen McNeil.

Can You Ever Forgive Me: Melissa McCarthy takes on a rare silent role as former federal Attorney-General Jody Wilson-Raybould, the central figure in the SNC-Lavalin scandal. Since this isn’t a silent movie, McCarthy’s wordless performance is even more dramatic. Don’t walk out early or you’ll miss the stirring musical finale by the House of Commons Justice Committee, “Someday We’ll Find It, The Wilson-Raybould Connection.”

Jagmeet Singh’s An NDP Family Funeral: With several of his caucus members declining to re-offer in this fall’s election, criticism from former NDP leaders and poll numbers lower than the Ottawa Senators’ win total for this season, the rookie head of Canada’s third party figures he might as well celebrate St. Patrick’s Day by throwing an Irish wake.

How To Keep Your Doctors – The Medical World: Insisting that there’s no health care crisis anywhere in his kingdom, and especially not in Cape Breton, Premier Stephen “Hiccup” McNeil (Jay Baruchel) hops on the back of his aptly-named dragon, Toothless, to soar over the province, where he gets an overhead view of all the doctors leaving Nova Scotia. “Hiccup” McNeil also learns the horrible truth that some of these surgeons are fleeing the bureaucratic dragons within the Nova Scotia Health Authority.

Theresa May Returns: With a March 29 Brexit deadline looming and hundreds of her own MPs threatening to rebel and/or resign over a lack of a concrete deal for the United Kingdom to leave the European Union, British Prime Minister Theresa May stands in front of Downing Street with an open umbrella, waiting patiently for the right gust of wind to carry her away. Musical highlights include “Just A Spoonful Of Brexit Helps The Racism Go Down,” “The Place Where The Lost Deals Go,” and “Stupid-Callous-Fatalistic-PM-Is-Atrocious.”

Green Book: Elizabeth May drives the Canadian electorate around the country, giving explicit details of her party’s election platform. Nominated for Best Short Subject.

Conservative Rhapsody: Thrill to the adventures of Canada’s newest musical supergroup, Scheer, as they seek to return to the top of the political charts with their innovative ideas, snarling guitar riffs, and butt-kicking policy statements. Featuring all your favourite Scheer hits, including “We Will Rock Trudeau,” “Carbon Taxes Get No Love,” “We Want A Pipeline, My Friends,” and the movie’s title song: “Is this the real life? Is this just fan-tas-y? We’d love a land-slide…an elec-tor-al vic-tor-y…Be-neath our dis-guise…We’re still the same C-P-C!”

Hey, wait! Where are you going? We haven’t even seen the closing credits!