I'm at the point now where I'm sat day dreaming of <mod edit - methods>

I know in time I will do it I cant stop fighting the thoughts.

I,ve had them for so long now.

I'm 42 years old.
Never really paid attention in school my spelling and everything you should learn is school is beyond a joke.
I'm very shy and don't like groups of people.
I have no job and when I went to an interview the other day I failed so bad because it was a group interview with 8 other people.
I was asked questions and there was too many people for my liking and so the words never kept coming out right.

I lost my dad 3 years ago (which to this day effects me so bad)

I lost my brother 1 year ago (which people think it effects me it does,nt. as bad as that sounds he always put me down and would always belittle me)

Then for the last 8months my family has had a solictors battle with my brothers son as he never left a will. Which will all be sorted next week.

And now to top it all off and I think the end of me, is my daughter has split from her boyfriend 4 months before we all was going on holiday.
they keep breaking up and getting back together. but thats it this time for good.

I cant handle this anymore and I know its only a matter of time before I end my life
I cry so much I'm so fed up and keep asking god to take me.

I just cant shake these feelings nothing I do stops them.
I hate myself and I only posion everything I touch or gets near me.
I need to end it all so others don't suffer
I'm so sorry you have to read this I'm wasting your time.

Hi there, you are not wasting anyone's time. This is what we are here for and why the forum exists So that you can express your feelings in a safe environment.
I am really sorry to hear what you are going through and for your losses. You didn't mention if you are receiving any professional help for your issues, it could help you greatly. Welcome and best of luck to you, i am shy too do don't worry, we understand here.

Hmm.. It really sucks what you all have been through. I want to say that you are meant to be here.. Ehm, I mean.. I think you are a great, nice person and you deserve to be alive.. I think you are great. Very caring about your dad and your daughter.. It's good that you are a person that cares about others. I understand that you're shy and don't like big groups of people.. Nothing wrong with that, I only think it is important to learn a little bit to be not afraid of bigger groups. Since it can be important in some situations. Please stay alive, I care a lot.. We care a lot about you. Maybe you should try find a professional to talk to, maybe he or she can help you feel better.. I really hope that your depression will go away soon.

What happened when you were on the anti-depressants? I was put on Lexapro and it made me nuts. That is a big part of why my new pdoc things I am bipolar. But I don't get euphoric mania, like ever. I get dysphoric mania where it's like really bad depression except I have bad insomnia, lots of anxiety and agitation and a lot of really intrusive morbid thoughts. An anti-depressant cannot help me, only make me worse, but soon I am going to be trying bipolar medication to see if that does the trick. I feel overwhelmed and completely fed up and hopeless most of the time and think about suicide almost every day, but I'm holding out right now to try a new type of medication, even though this waiting is practically killing me itself.

Idunno though reading these forums and analyzing other people's situations helps put things in perspective. I'm looking at your post and it's like okay, so academics was not your thing, same is true for a lot of people, and you suck at interviews, so do a lot of people, and you lost a parent, which happens to everyone eventually. But most people don't want to off themselves in those situations. So there must be something medically going wrong that can be fixed. I'm in a very similar boat, and I often want to off myself, as well, so the same must be true of me then. So we might as well go to pdocs and give it a shot, right?