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Thursday, June 06, 2013

Well, if this post isn't a repeat of a few days ago when I wrote the post titled derailment then I don't know what is. In that post I wrote about the two days in a row that I had plans to be active in the evening and both times my plans got shot into the water when my partner in crime backed off with various excuses (valid or invalid). I wrote about it and hoped that my post would give me strength to hold strong the next time it happened. Ohhh how I wish that writing a post fixed problems and kept them from happening again. But oh, that is not the case. I had plans to walk on Thursday night. I knew it was calling for rain, but we had talked about that and it was a go (there are such things as umbrellas, rain jackets and towels for when we go back inside). I was set. I was good with that plan. But round about 5 or so, the plans got cancelled....because of the rain. Disappointment flowed through me. I'm OK with my friend's decision, she has every right to change her mind about walking in the rain. Just like Todd had every right to not play tennis with me. The problem is that when I'm geared up for one thing and the plans get blown out of the water, I'm thrown into a tailspin. The tailspin results in me just skipping the workout. In one case it was a second workout for the day so it was OK. But, in two of the situations the workout that was cancelled was my only planned workout for the day. That is bad. I have to figure out how to guard against this and figure out how I can push myself to workout even if the original plans get blown into bits.

So I was at home and in the kitchen getting dinner ready last night. I was minutes away from dishing up the food when Todd walked into the kitchen. He grabbed the bag of chips (actually Potato Straws). He ate one or two and then pushed one into my mouth. OK OK OK, he didn't hog tie me and shove it down my gullet. I willingly opened my mouth and took it in....I willingly took the second one also. His words when I looked at him questioningly after that second bite of snack? "I have to fatten you up." I didn't even know what to say to that one but it stopped me dead in my tracks. I didn't eat another bite!

This repeated situation that I have faced this week has made me look at myself. I exercise by myself most of the time. I don't mind it. It gives me time to think. It gives me time to pray. It gives me time to reflect. But seriously, I don't need so many stinkin' hours by myself. So I get so excited when I can do something (IE tennis the other night that was ultimately cancelled) with someone. Furthermore, I get so excited to ride my bike with Todd. I've come to the conclusion. It's NOT because I'm doing it with him. It's because he and I usually travel and go to a different path (places we don't get every week..and sometimes totally new for us). It's not because my craving to be with someone is satisfied. He listens to his ipod the whole time, so I'm still alone. BOOOOORING! OH well, I'll still ride with him because it gets me someplace new and out of the mundane.

So I woke up this morning just feeling down. The crazy part? I think that if I were to exercise I would feel better. Sadly, that's not in the cards for me today....I work early today and then have to skedaddle to a wedding....won't be home until late I pondered the gym on my way home from the wedding, but while they are open 24 hours Monday through Friday, they close on Friday nights...grrr)

I read a post this morning by Tim. (sorry, I haven't figured out how to put in links on the blogger app on my cell phone....so timothology.blogspot.com) In this post he wrote about binges. I agreed with him whole heartedly when I said that my binges are much more rare and that when I have them they are not as 'bad' as they used to be, relatively speaking at least. (I binge on less caloric rich foods and usually not as much). So imagine my surprise when just a few short hours later I found myself in the kitchen BINGING.

I had planned out my food for the day. I was ok with what I had planned, all was right in my world. It came time for lunch and I went to the kitchen to eat. I ate part of what I had planned and then saw the bread. I WANTED bread. I mentally calculated and figured that I could 'afford' a single slice of butter bread. I made it and ate it. I opened the fridge to get out the stuff for the rest of my lunch. And then I saw the jelly. Now I have jelly in my fridge pretty much all the time. Usually it is raspberry jam but every once in a while I open a jar of strawberry jam. Strawberry jelly is a treat. I usually only make one or two batches of strawberry but make batch after batch of raspberry. Strawberry jelly/jam. YUM. I couldn't get it out of my mind (granted I really didn't try to much). I made another slice of butter bread and added some strawberry jelly. Ohhh it was SCRUMPTIOUS! I was eating and I KNEW I was going to have more. I wanted it. I literally thought about it in my head. I was ready to throw in the towel for the day over some more jelly bread! I wanted it that bad. Ohhh I tried to justify it by saying that I did burn 3500 calories yesterday (yeah yeah yeah, that was yesterday and thus doesn't count for today....but in the midst of a binge, any justification works!) Something propelled me to wash the dishes before I made my next jelly sandwich. I stood at the sink washing dishes and I litearlly said "I don't care....I'll take a gain this week because by golly I want that jelly sandwich!" But then something happened. I thought about all the hard work I've put in. I thought about all the sweat. I thought about all the mornings when I wake up so stiff that I just want to goan and moan (ha ha ha, oh wait, I DO moan and groan). I thought about how far I've come and I knew that I didn't want to do it. Furthermore, I realized that the reason that I was ready to throw up my hands with a binge was that I just really did not want to eat what I had planned. I knew that if I was going to stop the binge that the only thing that would help me was to find something that would satisfy me, inside and out. I opened the fridge and just happened to notice that I had a bit of lettuce and salad fixings left. Peace settled over me and I was fine. I made my salad. I ate my salad and I'm sufficiently full and satisfied. Crisis averted.

So I was honest. I immediately went onto my food journal and deleted the offending foods and put in the salad and the bread, butter and jelly that I ate (thank heavens I only had two slices of bread). I'm only 100 calories over for my day (including dinner). I caught the binge in time. I reigned it in. I binged, but I won in the long run!

And yes...that moaning and groaning....yeah, it happened this morning. 4 plus hours of exercise threw my body into an achy mess! I'm good now and I'm set to walk (in the rain...neither rain sleet snow or whatever will keep us from our walks. ha ha ha....ok, so sometimes it does) after work with Sherry.

My other big project. I have been saying for quite some time that I need to work on my upper body strength. Todd and I have a weight machine on our screened in porch (we got it free a year or so ago....a guy that lives near my work was cleaning out his garage to be able to bring another corvette to his house...yeah, he's got three here now...but owns something like 5 of them....OLD ones and new ones....I drool over the 57!...anyway...he was getting rid of it....for free. We took it!). SOOOOO I'm going to go out and clean it up (it's dusty and dirty from disuse) and start using it! Hold me to it!

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About Me

I am pretty laid back. I am newly single and the fallout of that change in my life sometimes seems to overwhelm me. However, I will admit, stretching out with the whole bed to myself is fantastic. I am determined to get my weight back in check once and for-all as I learn to navigate this single thing. I am filling some of my free time with some various activities.....running, piano and remodeling and refurbishing a dollhouse. My life is wide open before me....the pages are blank. It's up to me to decide how it's going to look!