For the Birds

We picked up his girlfriend, who was a gorgeous blonde. They're a nice-looking couple. Cruz looks like Jimmy Fallon from Saturday Night Live, with black hair that's slicked back.

They had toys in their trunk, because this party was one the employees of Mimi's were putting on. They were collecting toys to give to the Toys for Tots program.

As we were driving there, I did the weirdest thing. Cruz handed me these two giant pills and told me to take them. I swallowed the first one. Who swallows something a person just hands you?

Before I downed the next, I asked what they were. He said, "They keep you from getting hangovers the next day." I had never heard of such a thing, so he handed me the box. It was called Chaser, and it said on the box that it helps prevent headaches and other discomforts by absorbing harmful elements in liquor.

Cruz said, "These are okay, trust me. Howard Stern talks about them. They sell them at Sav-On, so they have been approved. When you go to the bathroom the next day, it will be funky, though." I swallowed the second one as he was telling me that. The weird thing was, I'd had a few beers and a few glasses of wine at the first party. By the time we got to the second party, the buzz was already gone. I was wondering if these pills had something to do with that. (Luckily, I didn't have any problems in the bathroom the following week...and I'm sure that goes under the category of more info than you needed. I looked at taking the pills as being a lab rat for you, the readers -- part of my job crashing parties.)

Back to the party. Since these were employees of Mimi's, I told them I loved their Chinese chicken salads and how that's the healthiest thing I eat. One of them said, "Well, the dressing isn't so healthy. The dressing has a lot of calories, so you probably aren't eating as healthy as you think."

There was an older guy with white hair sitting outside on a ledge. He looked out of place with all the young ladies running around. And he never said much to anyone. I saw him give a number of people his lighter to use. But I never once saw him talk to anyone. I asked who he was, and someone thought it was someone's dad. I wondered how much fun you could have at a party with your dad sitting outside.

I met one woman named Rachael. And when I met another with the same name (hers spelled "Rachel"), I was told there was a third wandering around with that name. The one I was talking to asked me how I would remember which was which. I said, "I will remember that you are the second prettiest of the Rachels." She punched me in the arm and said, "Thanks a lot, asshole."

When I went out to talk to the smokers, a lady at the party kept telling us to move to one area of the apartments. She said that we were disturbing a neighbor across the way. She would periodically stick her head out and say, "Stay on that side...and remember, shhhhhh."

I went into the kitchen to get a drink. The two bottles of Jack Daniel's were completely empty, and so was the bottle of vodka. But the two liters of cherry Coke looked as if they hadn't been opened. That's what happens when you get to a party late.

As I poured a cherry Coke, a woman walked by with Jell-O shots. She said, "Everyone hates them because they said I made them too strong." I was surprised -- they were actually good. I think I had six of them. Again, I was surprised I hadn't gotten my buzz back.

On the table, they had a stack of about 100 rolls, the same ones they give you at Mimi's. I didn't see anyone eating them, but a few were throwing them around like footballs.

Three girls were leaving the party, saying they were going to Moondoggies. Another three girls were leaving, saying they had to work the next day. One guy said, "Damn. We can't have all these women leave. It will decrease the odds of me getting laid." One woman looked back at him and said, "You wouldn't get laid if there were a thousand women here."