FullaBella's Journal, 11 March 2013

Well, a week of fearless eating and I'm enjoying the heck out of it. Eh, I'm actually still in the infancy stage of it so it's probably more 'not so fearful eating' than 'fearless' but baby steps.

To explain: when I first came to FS I would enter my entire day of food long before I ate it; somedays even the next day. I needed to - in order to make get my stomach to partner with my brain assuring it 'really, we promise, we're not gonna let you go hungry'. And as I was still clinging to the 'you should eat something every two hours' method, I would actually enter my 'snacks' first and meals were an afterthought.

Eventually I evolved into focusing on my meals and not so many snacks.

Now - I'm learning to eat when I'm hungry instead of by the clock and when I am hungry I go look at the fridge (full of healthy food I've bought so it's not a random surprise) and decide 'hmmm.... what really sounds good? I'm hungry and I want to eat something I love...' BEFORE I go log it and set myself up to eat something based on the caloric content or a portion beyond what I feel I need.

For breakfast (well brunch) yesterday, it was onion sauteed in butter with turkey and spinach with sliced asiago cheese on the side. It was fabulous. So fabulous I had it again this morning. I'm waiting for MH to comment on the odor of onions frying at 5am but so far so good.

This is the mantra from the EWYL book: When I'm hungry, I'll eat something I love. When I'm bored, I'll do something I love. When I'm lonely, I'll contact someone I love. When I'm sad, I'll remember I am loved. For about a month I gave credit for that to my friend Angel who kindly reminded me it was in OUR book (we have a bi-coastal book club going on via FS). She's a much more thorough reader than me.

I didn't find anything about 'when I am pissed off I will 'do' something I love' but used the 'bored' action for that. Sometime yesterday morning the River of Denial I'd been floating down all week ran dry and I was left with the ugly muddy sediment. It was midmorning and although my 'breakfast is the most important meal of the day' voice was nagging, my 'hey, I'll eat when I'm hungry' voice argued back.

So mushyface and I went outside and despite the gloomy overcast sky I took my shovel and started tilling up a little space for some flowers. I'd bought these on a whim at BigLots - $6 for 'as seen on TV' - roll out this green carpet of 2000 seeds, water daily and viola, flowers in 20 days. My southern gal voice argued 'no way ... ' but new Bella said 'shut up & give it a shot. You've wasted far more than $12 (I bought 2 boxes) in other ways, like, oh, those BIRDFEEDERS ...' So, time will tell.

But after raking and shoveling and mowing and weed pulling and rearranging the bird feeders I finally felt hungry. And by then, the sun came out so I relaxed and gave thanks then went inside and picked out food that sounded good to me. I enjoyed cooking and eating my brunch before I logged the diary. I felt good. I'd chosen healthy, acceptable portions and calories. The same approach continued as I browned then slow cooked a pork roast and trimmings for dinner.

I really LIKE not buying 'two' different foods anymore. I really LIKE that I've already shaped hamburger into patties today and will be having one too when I grill one for MH. I really don't miss that I won't be having a bun. I like that our fridge no longer looks like 'it happened one night' with 'regular food' all on one side and 'fat free, low fat, sugar free' on the other.

Bringing this journal back around to the infancy & baby steps with which it began I want to say one last thing about the apathetic doctor. While I agree it would have been 'nice' for her to give me an 'attagirl' I have had my share of bad medical folks via MH to last a lifetime. She was no surprise.

And while I'm definitely becoming a force to be reckoned with the reason I did NOT 'let her have it' ((though am still considering the anonymous note about the chocolate as suggested)) is because I have 'been here, done this FOUR times in the past.' Four failures. So I'm going to give myself some time before I use a soap box to climb up on my high-horse.

It's reassuring to think I've learned SO many good and better skills this time. I'm not starving. I'm not binging and purging. I am eating and I don't feel deprived. I feel confident. BUT... as ironic as it reads NOW, I felt the same before. I felt the approaches I was using before 'were going to last'. I said 'never never again' then too.

SO - reflecting on THAT - because I have Four, count 'em FOUR failed experiences with this, I recognized that something seems to happen to me at about 18 mo's ~ when my WOE hits 'toddler' phase. And by the time it hit's the terrible 2's ... I'm out of control.

So what will do it this time? Hopefully the skills, this site, my great friends, the difference, will last. Hopefully I'll continue to stay on the wagon, work my WOE, keep getting better and gut-check the insanity whenever I feel it.

AND ~ just as I have told myself I will continue to record my food for a minimum of one year to gain a very confident feel for the overall nutrition and how I feel when I eat the portions I eat ~ just as I have committed to 'that', I am making this committment NOW.

February 2014 will be my 18 months and I'll definitely be on alert for toddler trouble. And if, no, WHEN my WOE hit's it's terrible TWO's and I'm still eating healthy, mindfully, fearlessly, and doing well ... Well... by golly... yep... then Doc and I will have a talk ;-) Because if I make it that long, I'll be unstoppable.

I'll be a walking, talking, tower of confidence.

August 2014... are you listening??

Thanks for reading.Bella

PS - re the 'gut check' comment above - I went shoe shopping yesterday and bought the CUTEST pair of sandels. As I was checking out I decided I was having such a great afternoon I picked up one of the Godiva Chocolate Bars by the register. GUT CHECK! I looked at it and said to the salesperson, "you know, I changed my mind. The shoes are sweet enough.. I don't need that, sorry."

Would the 240 cals of chocolate hurt me? No. But, I wasn't craving chocolate. It was a reaction. But if I'd bought it, I sure would have started craving it. So, adding to the Mantra:

'When I want chocolate ~ I will go get it. Until then, the shoe lady will store it for me.'

OK, now you have to explain to me what WOE is! Way of Eating? World of Excellence? Win or Eat? Woodchucks or Echidnas? That's RIGHT, the shoe lady will be happy to store it for you until you need it (though WHY a shoe store would have Godiva chocolate is a mystery to me...) The stuff we might crave is ALWAYS available-stores are open 24/7 and will sell us just about anything we want in this country. Regarding food journals-I'm pretty sure I'm going to always have to do this in some form. It is the only thing that has always worked consistently. I am not, however, quite at your level of preparedness! LOL! I'm working on it though! I'm only a month and just under ten pounds into this journey, you're got a pretty substantial head start on me! I should let you know-I copied the mantra from above and printed it out, I think I'll do it up in fancy lettering and frame it and put it in my sewing room. I just love it, it's all about balance, which is what I'm after!

So many kudos to you for all of your self-discoveries and revelations! Funny how you should say that something "happens" around 18 months - that seems to have been the experience for me, too - on my last go around for certain. Odd. Maybe there is something universal about how long it takes to cement a lifestyle change - kinda like how many licks it takes to get to the middle of a Tootsie Roll Pop. Or not. LOL. Great job putting the chocolate bar back - love the line "the shoes are sweet enough".

I wonder what it is though, the thing that happens at 18 months? Is it boredom? Is it difficulty with the transition from reducing to maintaining? It's definitely something I need to be prepared for, I am so often clueless about so many things (as in I often in the past had no idea how many calories were in my food, though there are so many other things I'm clearly unaware of!)

I'm like you, Colly. I have to log, log, log everything. Sometimes in advance to see if I'm allowed. I'd love to be in that level, Bella, to eat whatever I want and then log it, but right now what I want won't be necessarily healthy.
Good for you with the chocolate, Bella! I already did that too, and felt so proud of myself! A few months ago wouldn't exist a moment when I didn't want a chocolate!!! :)

I like everything logged. Even if I'm going to go over my intake I want it there in black and white so I can't hide from it. Preferably before I eat it (as it helps me to decide if that craving is worth it). I think the 18 months thing is simple boredom. Once it becomes a rut it's easy to let things slip here and there and before you know it you are back to your old habits and everything is back at the beginning. But if you can break the cycle even if it's just by continuing to weigh yourself once a week and going back to dieting if you've gained too much you can break it. Certainly that's my plan for when I get to whatever my ultimate goal ends up being.

You know that's a ponderous thought right there. There is every possibility that I will get where I want to be with my weight, and I know for sure I have no plan for that. I do know, now, that thin people do NOT eat whatever they want in huge amounts whenever they want. They have a relationship with food that is not based on extremes. But I don't really have a game plan for "how will I maintain my weight loss" other than keep a daily food journal and limit my "special treats" to special occasions that are truly special. I don't even know, ultimately, what I want my final weight to be. I'm not sure if this is good or bad-I just don't know what is going to look good and feel good. I'm not so concerned with fitting on the charts, I am never going to be built like the average woman and I don't expect to weigh what an "average" woman of my height weighs. At the moment I'd be really thrilled to be middle-of-the-road overweight, rather than obese teetering on morbidly obese. I'm not sure I have enough competitive spirit and drive to push myself to be within the "correct" range in any case.
This is much food for thought...hmmm..

Thanks everyone - ya know it was just last week when I learned what WOE was myself.... I kept thinking people were feeling bad about their food, silly me. Without a doubt, or let me clarify, I'm still logging my food and will continue to do so for at least another year, especially to get past the toddler apathy we all seem to share. Even when I go over my RDI I will log it. I'm no where NEAR ready to just WING it. BUT am now, and only w/in the last week, doing it AFTER I eat. IF I find I'm getting too many cals in the first 'feeding' then I know I need to adjust it and eat lighter in the day. I am not saying prelogging it is wrong by any means - hey, this is my first week on this method. What I'm trying to do though is move TO a place of eating healthy and mindfully because it's the way to do it rather than just eating 'because I can'. I found, for myself, I was reaching the end of the day with calories left over and eating 'because I could' rather than out of hunger. Ok, no damage to the RDI but 'why' was the big question. So now I'm trying to eat out of hunger rather than boredom or emotions. I may go running back to prelogging if it gets out of hand. As I mentioned on my journal, not climbing on the high horse by any means. I'm still on the shetland pony! Oh - and regarding chocolate at a shoe store - it's a department store and EVERY SINGLE register has it - whether shoes, shirts or sheets. But it's the only store in town without the word 'mart' in the name so I have to be stronger than the cash register if I'm going to grow up (not out).

I have totally done that, eating more calories because I could! I get it now! I was wondering where you were shopping, but that explains it-department stores like to grab you and since they can't have the huge candy display like those -mart stores they have to do something, right? Where did you go, BTW? Just wondering, been looking for some summer sandals and Payless has gone to the dogs (that or I'm just getting to the age that if my shoes aren't comfortable right out of the box I won't wear them)

I got the sandels at Belks and I looked up the website online to see if I could tell you which ones and don't see them - so our local was probably selling off last seasons rejects. Back to the logging after - I found myself doing all sorts of things like 'ohh, I need to balance out my RDI pie chart' and would be, again, EATINg even when I wasn't hungry just to watch the colors move. Again, no way am I trying to come off like the Diva w/all the answers... I'm sharing here some of the 'not so good' things I've done over the past few months even WITH this FS while I continued to wrap my head around eating mindfully instead of by a chart, by a clock, or just because it's there. Day by day - one bite at a time.

Oh gosh, I know you're not-you're just sharing what has and hasn't worked for you, and doing a sort of "stream of consciousness" evaluation of your methods. No knowledge is ever wasted, I have no doubt that at some point I will remember something you've mentioned in passing and probably be able to use it. Don't worry-we don't think you're a Diva! We think you're Bella! (doesn't that mean beautiful in Italian?)

I don't think we have Belk's here-Kohl's, Elder-Beerman, Dillards...no Belk's. I think I'm going to try to find some pewter or silver or gold, to go with multiple things. I don't like thong sandals that much because they slap when you walk, and usually they're so flat. I have, currently, some lovely teal color ones with a slight heel and copper rivets that I just love, and they've gone two summers and will not survive a third. I do have dressier sandals but they're higher heels or skinny heels or...just not something I can wear daily, with anything. I have a lot of dresses under way for summer, because dresses are so much easier to belt or alter than shorts, but I need footwear appropriate for dresses. I'll just have to get out of the house and look for them!

What a great journal Bella. I am so excited to read about what you are learning. I love the plan for this time around. Slow steady and smart is going to win this race. I always am tempted by the godiva chocolate at the checkout...who came up with that evil marketing plan?? Seriously, tired, hungry? just bought something cute lets celebrate with chocolate? just standing there, eat me?? Excellent job leaving it at the store!!!!! Your brain is fullly engaged bella. it's a wonderful place to be.

@ I'm not a dress wearer so much - I wore them too much when I was a 'suit' ~ I like capris in the summer but MH doesn't (not that I dress for him but meh) and I always look odd in shorts but will wear them anyway. @Sharon - thank you. Yeah, it's a little nuts ~ candy at every cash register. One more place to say 'no' as if we needed it.