So real, that I combed it four times because a character-type jumped out at me. In a quoted description of their exchange, I was floored.

“He’d made it very clear from the beginning that he didn’t want a girlfriend.

“No titles,” he’d said. And I’d agreed.

And we hung out, messed around, went out on dates, exchanged gifts, he met my parents. But he’d been clear. No titles.”

This mystery man, whom the author chooses to leave anonymous (but is no doubt KNOWN within her circle) is the quintessential non-committed man. She dealt with him. It didn’t work out. A valuable life lesson (“how’s” and “why’s” included) was learned, sooner rather than later.

Buuuuuuuuuuuut.

For the men, across the blogosphere who were forwarded this blog we collectively gave each other “the look”.

You know, the look niggas give one another as the WHOLE barbershop falls deathly silent when lil TeQuan’s mama (with the slim waist and phat ass) walks in. The look that unquestionably screams, “yo famo…you see this shit?”

Curiously, the look is not directed towards the author, nor the author’s former self whom she eloquently depicts, but towards the un-named tall Friend (+Benefits) quoted above.

Here at The Ninja Parade, we’re all about people learning valuable life lessons and receiving stress-free box. And I get the feeling that the author turned out alright after all, but to the antagonist of that blog, we say this…

No offense bruh, but you jagged off some perfectly good and completely free college box […and lowkey probably messed it up for the next cat.]

Here’s 2 Good Reasons why:

1. You Didn’t “Out” The Other Heaux: see, ninjas mess stuff up because for one reason or another, they refuse to let women know that there are other women. Ol El Jugo learned a long looooooong time ago a very simple truth: that when a woman has made up her mind that she wants a man (as the author instantly did upon SEEING this nigga) she will often turn a blind eye to the presence of other women. I mean, it’s cool and all that you let lil mama know you didn’t want a relationship or titles, but the very next breath should suggest that other heaux are in the background/sideline. This, of course, has to be done with great care. Because a woman will tolerate it as long as a) you directly or indirectly make the extra heaux known, b) you do not in any way embarrass ANY of them, c) you are out here blowing their WHOLE COLLECTIVE BACKS (plural, as in all of them) OUT. You’d be surprised what a woman will “know” but “not know” if you can make them moan.

2. Boyfriend “Privileges”: *sigh* this is THE #1 Cause that perfectly good and free college, grad school, law school, medical school, office, gym membership, and any other random free box is messed up. Niggas…do…too…much. Men need to understand something, not every woman is interested in being your wife, your soulmate, your babymama, or lowkey even your friend…sometimes she’ll be cool with a couple drinks, a few laughs and a few more pelvic thrusts. Granted, you have to let a woman be a woman, some stuff, you judiciously have to let her nurture for you. However, other than the occasional meal or sleepover, shiiiiiiiiiiiid my dude, she’s probably laying there afterwards wondering if she DVR’d Love & Hip Hop, and if not, can she make it home in time to catch a re-run. She ain’t in love witcho black ass and she’s perfectly okay with it. But NOOOOOOOOO. You lay there with her, all night, nose all buried in your chest having all manner of intimate conversation, exchanging gifts, meeting parents n’shyt. You mistook your role as Primary Penis Provider (PPP or P3) for a boyfriend. Dumbass. Boyfriend Privileges are like cologne…the more of it you put on, the more you make women nauseous when they truly get close to you.

Welp, it became obvious after The “Keep-A-B1tch” Baby blog that there were some who were a bit confused about something. Here at The Ninja Parade we fashion ourselves as a fount of wisdom, diligently striving for clarity in the cloudy blogoshphere.

Sooooo, let’s make some shit perfectly clear…Situational Thug Tendencies (STT) exist on even the highest levels of society and most of ya’ll (and by ya’ll, I mean women) luh this shit. We didn’t just make this up…nope, couldn’t have.

Definition: Situational Thug Tendencies~ one’s natural, or manufactured, bravado that seeks to abandon civil discourse temporarily, for the sake of doing some ratchet hood-nigga shit. [ex: “Wait…did dude who runs the non-profit REALLY just do the Folks/GD <or, insert local gang handshake> with my dad?”]

You see, it really is shit like that that turns these heaux on. Yup, I said it. These heaux secretly (or not so much) love a guy with an edge. However, too many times that edge is really just some STT dressed up in a pinpoint oxford, and Kenneth Cole loafers.

To better served you, we’ve complied a brief guide to help you better identify STT in the ones you love.

1. Situational Violence. Save your criticism and high-road commentary…most of ya’ll heaux love niggas that will pop on a another nigga for something relatively trivial. And the more trivial the violation that leads to violence, the more STT avails itself to be seen. No, you may not want fam to get wasted and pick a fight in the parking lot of Outback Steak House…but I KNOW that it makes a woman feel some kind of way when she knows I will kick a grown homeless man in the balls for being too aggressive in his panhandling for change. And she may have a full blown orgasm is Mr. Certified Public Accountant swings on a full-time thug after an exchange over why yelling “AYE RED!” to CPA’s thick lightskinded lady-friend is not acceptable.

2. Situational Versatility. There’s something to be said about a person who is comfortable in his own skin, regardless of the situation. Situational Versatility is for the Hood Chick (READ: not, Hoodrat) who is dating up but still wants to stay true to her ghetto sensibilities. You see, just because you’ve moved up out the hood, have a fresh lil townhouse, a small dog, regularly maintained sew-ins, and take trips to Miami with your girls…doesn’t make you entirely divorced from yo hood ass families and/or kids. It is really debatable whether or not a man can “flip it” and go from sophisticated to hood in an instant. What isn’t debatable is that a nigga that quote scripture, roll blunts, help lil man with his homework, owns a questionably registered firearm and can effectively not get roasted by yo ignant ass cousins for being a lame at the family gatherings is #winning.

3. Situational Sexy-Talk. Again, sit yo ass <points to corner> all the way over there if you don’t like this shit babygirl. THIS. RIGHT HERE…is how babies are made. Dear Ms. Waiting To Exhale With Mr. Established: we see you…and if they don’t, El Jugo does. Everything about your exterior SCREAMS *Tresvant voice* “I want a man with sensativity!”. Love, El Jugo. But I know something. I know that underneath your neatly folded bra/pantie collection, Coach wristlets, sensible heels…you want your eloquently polished love to talk to you like you’re fresh off a rap video shoot, lowkey still sweating from the lights, half-naked and gone off moscato about to get your WHOLE back blown out in the trailer. Cool. Even if your man doesn’t have a single solitary ounce of thug in his heart…if he can pull off some gangta-shyt in the bedroom, he’s already won and so have you.

Lurking under the surface of the black community, hidden beneath back-issue stacks of Source Magazines in barbershops, wrapped in White Owl White Grapes, and saved discretely on XBOX Memory cards is a dirty little secret that many black men hold. *looks around from side-to-side* So damaging the truth that Ol El Jugo fears for my very safety.

You see, what ya’ll didn’t know (often until years later) is that there are many men who have cleverly laid a trap. This trap, blessed as it may be, started with the most selfish of notions and eloquently communicated in just 5 simple words…”This bish ain’t goin’ nowhere”.

Yes, that’s it. The “Keep-A-Bish” baby.

It’s a known fact here at the Ninja Parade and elsewhere that women will attempt to “trap” men with a baby in order to secure tangibles and intangibles. What is lesser know is *wait on it* …niggas do the same shyt.

“How?”, you ask. It’s really quite simple. In our incessant human need for companionship, some men tend to lose something in the details…they aren’t equipped for, qualified to, or tangibly able to sustain a relationship with a woman on their own. So, these men in question resort to trickery (also known as fuckery in some circles).

1- The Quest to be ‘THE” Babydaddy. As stupid as this is going to sound, upon doing research, I’ve found this to be true…some niggas will not rest until they are some woman’s (or several women’s) 1st Child’s Father. I know, crazy right? But it’s true. Even crazier is this dude usually is the 2nd, or 3rd string babydaddy somewhere else. Coming into a situation where your baby is #2 (or more) AND trying to “work it out” with your babymama has GOT TO BE infinitely harder than just getting some unassuming single chick with no kids pregnant, right?

2. Monetary Gain. *sigh* Dear Ms. Independent: please understand that your independent, good job working, good benefits possessing, health care savings account card swiping, Remy Saga wearing ass is a financial come-up for a LOT of niggas. Especially in a recession. Govern yourselves accordingly. Love, El Jugo. Here’s where ya’ll get got. Ya’ll want that nigga with an “edge”. You see, “Keep-A-B1tch” babies aren’t just relegated to the lower rungs of the hood…and some random dude scamming on a food stamp card. Nope. You, your natural hair journey, and your book club can get it too. Why? Because you’re attracted to a guy with an “edge”. Sure, you’re too smart to blatantly love a thug, but you want a man with STT (situational thug tendencies) who is motivated, goal oriented, blah blah blah. Nothing wrong with this, just understand that said tendencies often come with side effects. He NEEDS you go come up. And will blow your WHOLE back out and lay on your couch and quantify how much money he’s saving you in child care to get to his destiny.

3. She FINE. Fcuk it…some niggas can be real petty. So much so that he can look at your delicately draped coifs, pretty brown eyes, seamless MAC cosmetic skin, slim waist (and corresponding ass-to-waist ratio) and think nothing more than having you barefoot and pregnant so the next man can’t have you. Like I said, petty. Instead of trying to see if this can be “forever” he opts for the crudest way to keep you on ice (usually while he explores his options)…he get’s this bad chick pregnant. Note: if he can pull one bad chick, he can certainly pull another. *smh* Problem is…super-bad chicks are usually the most gullible; and don’t let dude have a lil loot…shiiiiiiiiid. Some of ya’ll reading this right now shaking your damn head.