The News In Shorts

How the news would look if everyone stopped waffling and told the truth.

Saturday, 10 March 2012

Police To Get Performance Pay.

The government has announced a new policy initiative that will give “cash incentives for high-performing police officers who can successfully fight crime”. We sked a government spokesperson how the "cash for collars" scheme will work; "We got the idea from the banking industry where the bonus culture has been an outstanding success - attracting the best people and creating more efficiency. We envision this doing the same for the police, with policemen and women on the beat being encouraged to find crime when none has existed before and the higher ranks reaping huge rewards for lying about it. In the same way that the banks flogged as much Personal Protection Insurance as they could to people who didn't need or want it, we expect the police to see ordinary citizens as opportunities to make a profit and arrest them for technical infringements of the law. We would have encouraged them to chase real criminals but that's too difficult and won't give us the results we're looking for, so there you are. We are confident, however, that paying high ranking police officers huge bonuses for the work done by the lower ranks will fit in rather well with the new economy we're hoping to create - where the rich get richer for doing nothing in particular and the poor get less for working ever harder. We are also confident that the bonus scheme will encourage just the right amount of corruption into policing and make it plain that its all about the money and nothing else. That way a policeman, faced with a wealthy upper-class criminal, will be able to make the necessary calculation between getting a bonus or accepting a bribe."