15 May 2010

100 days

100 days

that is how long I have been pregnant. 100 amazing scary wonderful wondrous miraculous days.

16w2d.

I was thinking back to the first time I tried to inject myself with the damned lupron, not having any idea what to expect...not knowing how I could possibly do it. not knowing if I could possibly do it- finally, in despair and defeat, resting the needle down on my belly and just praying it would somehow do it itself. And it did. Somehow, the needle just went in. No dart throw, no jab, just sharp needle entering bellyflesh, and it was over. And this chapter of my journey began.

I expected it would work.

And then it didn't. No eggs retrieved, god that was awful-- all of that for nothing. Nothing.

Try again. IVF converted to IUI. I was crushed. Sobbed my way through the IUI. And then, we were pregnant. It felt impossible, was nearly so, shocked us, shocked the doctor. We saw two sacs. But one heartbeat. I remember how insanely happy I felt, how incredibly sad I felt. And I remember how I felt when we learned we had lost the pregnancy. How I felt looking at that ultrasound screen. How I knew I KNEW I would never feel the same way about an ultrasound as long as I live. And it's true, I haven't.

And then all of those cycles, trying trying trying trying trying failing failing failing failing failing.

And then

100 days ago, some miracle happened. And here we are.

This weekend a perfect stranger asked me when I was due.

Holy shit people.

Apparently I turned the corner from suspected carb addict to pregnant lady. praise the gods.

I remember at 20 weeks a friend saying "You don't even look pregnant." My heart sunk. I was so anxious and excited to finally be showing. It wasn't until 27 weeks that people in the office took notice.

So to be experiecing that attention so early must be very exciting! Exposing your swelling belly with the world. Showing it proudly because you've worked so hard for it. Dammit, you deserve it.

About this blog

I started this blog during struggles with infertility--struggles that resulted in countless IUIs, medications, procedures, 5 attempted IVF cycles, 2 pregnancies, one heartbreaking loss, and one miracle baby.

Parenthood left me feeling like I was not sure what to do here, with this amazing community. To talk about parenting felt boastful for those still and forever struggling. To not talk about it felt disingenuous. So here I am. I want to talk about my real life. Parenting. Midlife reassessment. Flailing. Finding myself. Mucking about.

So yes, I am a midlife parent of an amazing child.Yes, I battled infertility and will be forever changed by every single moment of that journey.I am imperfect and life is messy, but it is also so beautiful.

Among many other things, I hope to reconnect to myself through writing here. And I hope to connect with you too. Others out there, parenting maybe later in life. Maybe after struggling. Maybe struggling still. We can all use a safe place and a lot of compassion. That's what I am offering to you. I hope you'll stick around.

Copyright

All content copyrighted by me, please treat it with respect.

inside out

"The key is, starting from the inside out. Often you say, “I don’t know what to do.” True, you don’t know what to do. There are infinite possibilities. And a bunch of them haven’t worked for you. A lot of them have been tried, and they haven’t worked under what you think are the same conditions. And so, you sort of pace around, you don’t know what to do. Sometimes you don’t even know what you want to have. But you always, you always, if you will stop and think about it, you ALWAYS know how you want to feel."