It's no secret that I love Bioware's Mass Effect—last year I wrote a 10,000 word piece on why the series is so great, and I've played the games through more times and written more fan fiction and obsessively edited more Mass Effect music videos than anyone else on staff. I am the closest thing Ars Technica has to a Mass Effect editor. You can imagine, then, the absolute delight I felt deep down when FedEx dropped off my prerelease review version of Bioware's new Garrus Vakarian Body Pillow.

Body and build quality

The whole thing is six feet in length (1.82 meters), which means that Garrus himself is quite a bit shorter on the pillow than he is in real life (everyone knows that Turians are typically a bit over six feet tall). For better or for worse, Garrus is emblazoned directly onto the pillow—there is no pillowcase. This means that if you spill something onto him—like, I don't know, wine or something, like when the two of you are watching a movie—it's going to be a bit complicated to clean. You can't just throw the pillow case into the washing machine.

I was able to overlook the shortcomings of Garrus' height, though, since the pillow is well made and very snuggly. In bed, the pillow functions excellently, and I was able to hold it closely and whisper secrets and sweet nothings to it without any issues. The pillow also had no problems absorbing the tears that I shed on it—finally being able to have Garrus this close was an emotional moment, but he dealt with it admirably.

A short honeymoon

Enlarge/ After an enchanting evening with the Garrus Vakarian body pillow.

However, there are three major problems with the Garrus Vakarian body pillow that keep it from being a must-buy. First, there's the fact that Garrus is wearing his trademark blue armor. This is an unbelievably dumb oversight on Bioware's part, because it's clearly shown both in Mass Effect 2 and in Mass Effect 3 that Garrus has at least one casual outfit that he wears when meeting Commander Shepard in his or her quarters, and another worn during the "Citadel" DLC. Putting Garrus in full battle armor in a situation that clearly calls for casual wear is a stunning blunder, and it's hard to believe Bioware would get this one wrong—it's like they're not even paying attention.

Even dumber, though, is the pillow itself. Turians have rough, plate-like skin containing trace amounts of thulium that protects them from solar radiation on their homeworld of Palaven (which, of course, has a weak magnetosphere due to its lower-than-average heavy metal content). However, rather than going for true verisimilitude, Garrus is soft and cloth-like. Turian fans expecting to finally be able to curl up into a genuine Turian embrace are going to be sadly disappointed.

Finally, I'm most disappointed in the fact that Garrus' face on the pillow is permanently turned to the right, which means that he's only looking at me if I hold the pillow a certain way. None of the seven bootleg Garrus body pillows I'd previously purchased on Etsy have this issue—they either feature Garrus' steely gaze fixed entrancingly forward, or the pillows' obverse and reverse sides have different images so that Garrus can be looking at you no matter which side you're sleeping on. With Bioware's pillow, no matter how tightly I wrapped my legs around his thin but supportive waist, I felt like Garrus was telling me that he was busy calibrating and that I should come back later.

Bottom line: this is only a middling effort on Bioware's part. There are so many things that could have been added to make the "bedtime with Garrus" experience so much more authentic. At the very least, a choice of slip-on outfits for the pillow would have been a good starting point—that way, users could decide exactly how ready for action Garrus should be. Armor might be appropriate if you're taking your Garrus pillow out for dinner at a nice restaurant, but the option for casual wear around the house would certainly be preferable.

So for now, I'd recommend you keep your life-size Garrus cardboard cutouts around. The pillow is good as a regular pillow, but as an actual substitute for a tall, dreamy Turian, it just doesn't work. Try harder, Bioware.

Finally, the reviews I've always wanted. The lack of effort on Bioware's part is quite disappointing, especially for only the armored shot and lacking anything on the back. I may have to wait for the casual outfit/out-of-casual-oh-my on the back release. Bioware needs to get their act together if they want to truly compete in the body pillow market.

I was able to overlook the shortcomings of Garrus' height, though, since the pillow is well made and very snuggly. In bed, the pillow functions excellently, and I was able to hold it closely and whisper secrets and sweet nothings to it without any issues. The pillow also had no problems absorbing the tears that I shed on it—finally being able to have Garrus this close was an emotional moment, but he dealt with it admirably.

Hey Lee, when you get old and look back on your life I want you to do me a favor. You'll remember all your greatest achievements, maybe think of your kids, your wife, and somewhere in there you should remember that you wrote this line:

"None of the seven bootleg Garrus body pillows I'd previously purchased on Etsy have this issue"

And at that moment you should remember that it was now, with this article, that you have propelled yourself into the pantheon of great writers on the internet. Thank you.

Eh, I guess it's better than the Tali pillow you can't even take out of the bag.

Or the rock-hard Grunt pillow, or the Jack pillow that resists all human contact, or the Mordus pillow that analyzes your bodily fluids, or the Legion pillow that tries to assimilate you, or the Thane pillow that tries to silently smother you... or worst of all, the Kaiden pillow that whines if you don't love it enough.

Lee Hutchinson / Lee is the Senior Reviews Editor at Ars and is responsible for the product news and reviews section. He also knows stuff about enterprise storage, security, and manned space flight. Lee is based in Houston, TX.