Spoof news stories from Wednesday 16 February 2011

It has been exclusively revealed to us here at Tripe News International that Twilight toothsome twosome and bloodsucking bosom buddies and blood transfusing Transylvanian top totty superstars Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart have disappeared.

Ed Miliband was last night hailed a hero after defeating the Tombies in the Battle of the Giant Fridge/Freezer.
Ed Miliband and the Rebel leader George Galloway hiked to the Scottish Highlands and found the fridge at a secret Tory Party Hideout...

Destroyer of music JLS have been asked by David Cameron to try and sell his failing Big Society.
JLS were asked by the Prime Minister to sell the idea as the past few years have shown that the boyband will sell anything and, like the Big Society,...

Super Dragon and all round multi-millionaire keep fit fanatic 'I'm not a bit vain' Duncan Bannatyne shocked his fellow Dragons this week in Series 14 of 'Dragon's Den' when he actually agreed to invest in one of the proposals.
Duncan, 37, famous...

David Beckham was spotted yesterday on the Isle of Wight. He was seen in Newby village and when approached by two female fans, Bridgette Snodgrass (58) and Millicent Bedlington (59), he admitted he was actually looking for real estate to buy on the...

(Published 2030) - BIRMINGHAM, ENG. - At this year's United Nations Conference on Climate Change in Birmingham, many of the member nations and transnationals have decided to quarantine all 8,080,464.3 sq. km of the 48 contingent states.
"America h...

The International Climate Science Coalition called the flooding in New Orleans caused by 2005's Hurricane Katrina "the worst bad weather event of the 21st Century".
The I.C.S.C. had to revise their opinions in January when much of the Eastern Coas...

Another twist and turn in the Lindsay Lohan trial over a "stolen necklace" has been out this morning to go alongside all the other weird stuff, but that seems to describe the young lady's life over the past year or so.
This time, according to her...

Those nearly one hundred guests at a big party last week at the Playboy Mansion, who were previously thought to have come down with Legionnaires Disease, do not all have it according to a Doctor Harold Linsberg who is in charge in finding the cause...

(Published 2090) - LAYER G, LOS ANGELES - The building of a new Layer Transit port was delayed today in Los Angeles after the founding of the music god 'Jacko'.
Jacko, who was recorded in legend as one of the great gods worshipped by the people of...

A desperately "horny" UK Granny who loved doing it "doggy style" with her many male partners decided to try it out for real.
A passing rottweiler named Butch (named changed for legal reasons) decided he'd had enough of chasing boring "pussy" so he...

In a shock move this week, the Catholic Church has given the go ahead for the launch of an iPhone application that helps sinners undertake confession without visiting a priest.
Marketed as "the sinner's guide to salvation", it takes the worshipper...

In a story so bizarre that it belongs in the twilight zone, word has reached the media about an auction gone wrong.
At the bi-annual assets auction, police auction off all unclaimed property, from their warehouse, in order to make room for new evi...

In an update, on a previous story, "Holiday season disaster strikes", this reporter has learned that one Robert Johnson reported a bicycle being stolen just 72 hours before its return. The case is, now, before the courts.
It would seem that, just...

Despite her press agent's denial of a story linking Lady Gaga with an unnamed kangaroo she met while exploring the Outback of Australia while on holiday from America, the rumor that she gave an airstart to an unidentified marsupial is bouncing around...

The Brit Pop Awards on ITV didn't really catch the imagination of the British TV public as they preferred to watch some "Fat Gypsies" getting married?
Even Holby City, sex, misery and scandals in a UK hospital soap managed to attract more viewers,...

In the year of 1989 I took my Doctor of Social Anthropology at the University of Cambridge and proceeded to travel around the world taking further education. Throughout this time I am told my political beliefs changed considerably, although if I am honest I would be hard pressed to recall this myself.
Upon my return to England I became leader of a political party, and I spent a short time intr...

BIRMINGHAM, ENG. - At the Harley Research Institute, several people were having trouble with a computer system.
The computer which was bought last weekend, is 'acting funny' and 'being douchey'. However, according to the researchers, the South Asi...

'It pains me to implement the cut on orgasms' announced Chancellor of the exchequer George Osborne 'but we have to do something about the deficit and this seems the best way to go about it.'
Shock waves swept through the beds of half the nation. Deidre Marmaduke could swear the earth moved when she reached her climax but then she realised that just at the moment of ecstasy a sudden shock left h...

Appearing in a very tiny yellow and pink bikini, Russian-born model Irina Shayk has made the highly coveted cover of the 2011 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue.
According to a few words scattered here and there among the five big pages of pics, Ir...

Attention seeking Alex Reid was red faced at the Brits after being caught out by a public fart lighting display.
The muscly he-man was renowned for his flatulence in the bedroom which is one of the reasons for his break-up with Jordan.
She s...

Sarah Palin's new campaign manager has decided that there is more to what the male voters see than what they hear, or fail to hear, during a presidential campaign. Therefore, Hosni Eastwood has decided that Sarah Palin should run for President of the...

Silvio Berlusconi was unrepentent about his trial over having 'Bunga Bunga parties' and having sex with under-age young girls.
The Italian prime-minister said he was merely admiring the 'female form' like men had always done since time began.
H...

Hot on the heels of the unrest in Egypt, Yemen, Bahrain and Tunisia, the United Nations has confirmed that the Iranians are now revolting.
At a press conference held earlier today, the secretary-general of the United Nations, Ban Ki Bonus, confirm...

Following on from promises made at the time of the election, Prime Minister David Cameron, along with a number of fellow expense-claimers, launched his new "Big Society" initiative.
Aimed at members of the public who previously held responsible jo...

David Cameron has tried to urge surly teenagers to volunteer for national service. In a passionate pleas he has said "I want every youngster to discover their true potential and not end up as a "Neet" or an "Asbo" they are worth much more than that"...

Dear Auntie Hilda,
I'm going through a really tough time at the moment in my home life. My father died a while ago and my mother remarried his brother shortly after (we even had the funeral meats at the wedding!). I keep being haunted by my father (literally), and this is having an effect not only on me, but everyone around me. I can't help thinking that it's possible my uncle killed by father...

Alex Reid was turned away from a party which was being held for celebrities after the Baftas.
Bouncers refused to admit him into the party despite his protestations. He was unable to produce a "golden ticket" and so was not allowed entry into the...

Faster than a speeding bullet, Barry Obama is plunging ahead with schemes that threaten to further plunge the US economy into bankruptcy and bear no resemblance to the reality of the current world economic tsunami!
Fast on the heels of his drug in...

Cairo - (Tootin' Khamoon): A five thousand year-old edition of an ancient almanac of Egypt's worst druggies has been discovered under the Great Pyramid of Geezer.
The who's who of toxic despots, hitmen and their personal gofers was unearthed behin...

Tim Gunn, mentor extraordinaire of Project Runway, has stated publicly that he wants nothing to do with Snooki and her wayward ways, and therefore, the show will not be featuring her in any upcoming episodes.
But Snooki has wiles and use them she...

PBS stars came out in droves this week to protest calls that the government not fund PBS TV and NPR radio.
Nigel Barman-Taff, who played Colonel Lionel Taylor-Winslow in the enormously popular British department store sitcom "Handkerchiefs, Ladie...

Some scientists are calling it sun spots and many lay people are calling it, "a world gone crazy," but most observers are just shaking their heads and wondering what in the world has happened!
When Dick Cheney was invited to speak at CPAC he, of c...

The stepson of elderly actor Mickey Rooney is in court having been accused of abusing him, according to 12 of Rooney's ex-wives.
The court judge, Los Angeles Superior Court Judge Reva Goetz, agreed yesterday to issue a contemporary restraining ord...

It seems that neither the Democrats nor the Republicans want to be the first to cut any entitlement programs so it is now understood (as most already knew) that this is all about politics, not the care of the nation.
"I wish we had at least one po...

London - (Pukka-Chukka-Uppa News): London's self-purging vomiters have queued up all night for the chance to buy the latest royal wedding must-have.
At £5 a throw-up the Real Vomit Company's paper bags come in handy sicks-packs and are liveried wi...

Words words everywhere
But not an ounce of brain put in
Great lines written by the visionary poet PT Koleridge seem so apt for Mr. SM Krishna, as a foreign news website refers him, 'the incompetent foreign minister of India'.
Well, here is a flashback for those who missed the petty news. SM Krishna, erroneously picked up a wrong speech at a private little tea party, the UN Security Council...

Although they have become parents in the Twilight Movie episodes, actress Kristen Stewart told reporters this morning that she was anxious for she and Rob Pattinson to have a child of our own.
"We really haven't talked it over enough but if it wer...

Cav's Owner Dan Gilbert took a gigantic step toward fulfilling his promise of delivering an NBA championship team to the city by announcing the signing of a 7' shooting point guard to replace legend LeBron James after he defected to the Miami Heat la...

An undercover Supergrass has been roaming the country lanes of England discovering disturbed people who pretend to care about nature.
The findings of the Supergrass are milked back to MI5 where they are digested by experts in the psychiatric disor...

'Every thing is on the UP' said City analyst Theobold Mygrief with glee 'unemployment is UP, joblessness is UP, inflation is UP, Bankers salaries are UP. We should be celebrating.'
'But growth is DOWN, wages are effectively DOWN, confidence is DOWN,
Tory ratings are DOWN'
'You are in need of education young man. Unemployment going up means wages will be kept down because people are scared o...

There were awkward scenes at the British music industry's glamour bash, The Brits, last night after Rihanna pipped national treasure Cheryl Cole to to the top women's prize.
In fact a tight-lipped Cheryl had to present the Best International Femal...

The European Parliament has voted to increase bus passengers rights from 2013 onwards.
From spring 2013 onwards, compensation for cancelled and delayed services will be trebled.
Compensation will also be paid out for the following :
Passengers leaving the bus smelling of urine after having to sit next to a drunk;
Passengers sitting behind a woman who's just used half a can of hairspray...

A poll has revealed that only 9% of people surveyed knew of the existence of the Cultural Olympiad , planned to mark the London Games of 2012.
This statistic is causing great concern amongst the organisers, who are blaming a low key media policy for the disappointing results.
The organisers should, however, be more worried about some of the other trends that have emerged from the survey.

SAN ANTONIO - The stars of The Vampire Dairies, Nina Dobrev and Ian Somerhalder visited San Antonio after spending a few days in New Orleans.
The couple walked hand-in-hand down the famed River Walk where Nina could be seen feeding Cheetos dipped...

The Secretary of State for Communities and Local Government Eric Pickles has intensified his campaign against local councils by introducing yet another controversial new measure.
Hot on the heels of last week's bombshell that , from April 1st, 201...

HOLLYWOOD - After appearing on CSI: Crime Scene Investigation and Growing Up Kardashian, teen singing sensation Justin Bieber has agreed to star on an upcoming episode of the popular musical hit show Glee.
Glee has already won many awards includin...

CHICAGO - The powers that be at Google have just announced a major change that will take place at 12:01 a.m. on May 1, 2011.
The name Google will be changed to the more politically correct Giggle.
Google spokesperson Nash Critcaster told the ne...

READING, Pennsylvania - Kate Gosselin the star of Kate Plus 8 sat in her kitchen and talked with a reporter for Tittle Tattle Tonight.
KatGo, as her kids call her, said that ever since she first appeared on television with her Korean ex-husband on...

LOS ANGELES - Talk show advice therapist, Dr. Phil has reportedly sent Christina Aguilera a text message to please not go skydiving.
The doctor who was made famous by Oprah Winfrey expressed concern that the way Ms. Aguilera's luck has been runnin...

LA BREA - Taylor Lautner was having lunch at the famed La Brea Tar Pits Diner when he was asked why he had made such lewd remarks about Kristen Stewart and Vanessa Hudgens.
Lautner, who is currently dating Lily Collins, the daughter of music icon...

Funicia was an ancient civilization centered in upstate New York in the Catskill mountains known for an appreciation for a fun and frivolous but not excessively hedonistic lifestyle. While ancient comedians often did their routines from a sitting or reclining position the Funicians revolutionized comedy by presenting it from a standing position. Famous Funician comics include Shecky Green, Buddy H...

Voted "Hospital Favorite" for the second straight year, actor Charlie Sheen says that at least his life is not boring.."or at least what I can remember of it."
"You have to stay one step beyond the Woody Harrelsons, the Billy Bob Thortons, the Mel...