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Sunday, July 12, 2015

One thing that has been blowing my mind lately is how fast time is passing. Remember in your teens and twenties...the concept of life passing you by was unimaginable. You just couldn't even picture yourself in your 40s (probably pretty much declaring you'd be dead by then! And never be THAT old!)...and then one day you wake up and BAM you are 40! And within what feels like a few months BAM you are in your mid 40s...and then...yikes!! I still have a few years but the way things are going...BAM!!

I can't not believe how fast time is flying...

I can't believe I haven't posted in 2 months! 2 months!! I am sorry!

And I can't believe how big my little girl is getting!

My little Ladybug has been home for over a year, she is turning 2 and I celebrated my 2nd Mother's Day with her!

It's really this 2nd Mother's Day that I want to post about (which I started writing 2 months ago!) and hopefully I will be posting more to catch you all up on Ladybug turning 2!!

But back to Mother's Day 2015...

It was a Mother's Day of days gone past. The one where we all showed up for brunch and enjoyed the food and a few mimosas as our children ran around and played. There were moms and grandmas, nieces and daughters...A day that in essence celebrates the women in my family and a day where I was (unbelievable!) one of the moms with my child running around and playing. The way I had always imagined before it faded away and became darkness.

Last year it was my first Mother's Day and I think that I was afraid to relax...to acknowledge...if I relaxed...if I let myself breathe it would all go POOF! Like breathing out, finally exhaling, would blow away all that was real and leave nothing but dust in its place...(I have a little confession to make...I still feel this way...that somehow, one day I will wake up and BAM...it all just vanishes.)

But aside from that fear...this year...this Mother's Day...now...

It's normal and simple.

It is as it should be...

ALMOST...

But just not quite....

Because as I sip my mimosa and adorn my daughter with loving looks there are other feelings, other emotions never far from the surface. A combination of love and pain...the love I feel for my daughter and the pain of all that transpired to get to this day...

There is another mom, one who I think about every day, who I am sure was not feeling the joys of this simple day but instead an ache that will never go away...

I do think of her every day. Her and Ladybug's birth grandma. They are never far from my thoughts...

We keep in contact. I send them updates every three months and they have also written to me.

At Easter Ladybug's birth grandma wrote me a letter...a beautiful letter declaring me the answer to their prayers...

I cried and replied:

”I have to tell you how moved I was by your last card. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of you both and when you wrote that I was your prayer come true...well...I know in my soul it is the other way around. Somehow God found a way to bring us together."

And I do know in my soul, in the center of my being, that it IS the other way around.

I was at my mom's this weekend and she made a comment about miracles. About how she never really believed in them or thought they were just someone overcoming an illness or something. She said: "I never knew that a miracle could come in this form. This is a miracle! She is a miracle!"

Yes, she is...but the beauty of this miracle comes with heartache and so when I write to Ladybug's birth mom and birth grandma I make sure that I include them...it's hard to explain but they are and always will be a part of Ladybug's life whether they are present or not. As an adoptive parent you are filled with insecurity and fear...I found by embracing that...embracing my fears...by embracing them and including them in our life...the fears have subsided and I can focus on doing what's right for my little girl...our little girl...

Ladybug is our girl...and I always refer to Ladybug as "our girl" in the letters I send.

So in my last letter I wanted them to know:

" ...on Mother's Day my thoughts, prayers, and gratitude were with you both! You are never far from my thoughts and my heart. I want you to know that our girl will be honoring you both as well on Mother's Day. Please know we are thinking of you and as "Ladybug" gets older I will have her participate in the letter writing and picking out of the pictures...Our girl is truly a blessing! And I am so blessed to be her forever mommy!"

Mother's Day for me right now may be starting to feel normal...simple...or well as close to that as it can get...because there will always be another mom present on that day...one who needs to know that our girl will be honoring her too.

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About Me

“Listen to the mustn'ts, child. Listen to the don'ts. Listen to the shouldn'ts, the impossibles, the won'ts. Listen to the never haves, then listen close to me... Anything can happen, child. Anything can be.” ~ Shel Silverstein
Contact me at asinglejourney@ymail.com