It'll be the first SI Swimsuit Issue appearance for Ratajkowski ("the j is silent"), who blasted into public consciousness last year thanks to her delightfully topless appearance in Robin Thicke's "Blurred Lines" video.

It's you and me on our way up to the 13th floor and the elevator craps out. We're trapped. Is help coming? Maybe. Maybe we'll die here together. Let's not get ahead of ourselves. What exactly can you do with me on an elevator we may never get off of? Behold!

Christmas is coming, the goose is getting fat and I have no pennies for that old man’s hat. Why? Because I’ve been buying overpriced shit like fashion turtles and Marxist philosophy textbooks for people on my Christmas list

Dear Wendy’s, I want to start by letting you know I understand. I do. You’re a massive franchise fast food restaurant that operates in a system where you employ hundreds of thousands of people for minimum wage, meaning you’re getting only the people willing to be degraded and berated by low brow members of the [...]

This weekend I bought a new router after realizing I’d been using the same router since about 2005 and it was only capable of top speeds somewhere around half of what my modem should be kicking out. Basically I was putting premium fuel in old timey bicycle that had a lawn motor engine strapped to it. It was ridiculous.

The Catholic Church is enjoying an unprecedented time in its history thanks to one man – Pope Francis. Unlike the last two Popes, Pope Francis actually seems like a guy who wants to use his influence to make the world a better place. It’s ironic and sad to say this, but he seems like a genuinely good man. Why is that surprising? Because I can’t think of another genuinely good man in any position of power anywhere on earth.

Now is the time for malls, outlet stores and shitty, shitty radio stations to assault your ears with seasonal vitriol. According to science, a man can only listen to a cover of Santa Baby three times before a large portion of the brain turns to mush. That song sucks that badly.