Because he’s so freaking obese, Rush Limbaugh probably hasn’t seen his own penis since he was seven years old—but, since “faith is the evidence of things unseen,” he knows it’s down there, and in 2007 he was stopped at the airport in Santo Domingo, The Dominican Republic, for trying to smuggle 25 Viagra pills into the country in a purposely mis-labelled vial. He was travelling with three other (presumably heterosexual) men for what many people speculated was “sex tourism.”

When the news hit the airwaves, America was not stunned.

You didn’t need to hear his grotesquely nerd-y attack on a Georgetown college student today—he called her a “slut” and a “prostitute” for using birth-control, and slobbered that if she wanted insurance companies to pay for her pills “we want something for it—we want to watch”—to know that Rush Limbaugh is radio for men who can’t get laid. I have never met a Rush Limbaugh fan who felt genuinely comfortable around women. They tend to be cabdrivers slowly drinking themselves out of a job, or dyspeptic storm-door salesmen, or, at best, third-rate golf pros.

For one thing, unless my sexual radar has been seriously degraded, one look at Susan Flook, the Georgetown student in question, would cast doubt on Limbaugh’s “slut” reading. She comes across as solemn, dignified, and sober—even “prim,” and I mean that in a good way—and if Limbaugh spends his Viagra-fueled energy hitting on the Susan Flooks of the world, it’s no wonder he’s got to invest in Dominican sure things.

But, like other men who can’t get laid, Limbaugh obviously loathes women. Any woman who’d use contraception is a “slut,” which presumably includes his mother. Certainly his own ex-wives are “prostitutes”, since his marriages produced no children—but also because it’s highly doubtful any woman would marry him except to milk him of millions in the inevitable divorce.

And we hardly need to go deep-Freudian to analyze the man who cointed the term “femi-Nazis.” For men like Limbaugh, every tingle of that unseen penis down below is a summons to be tortured. .. At the very moment that the Viagra kicks in, he’s terrified that he’ll be laughed at, even by the hookers.

It’s creepy to think how hot he must get when he thinks about the new law in Virginia forcing women to get ultrasound imaging before they can have abortions. Man…just imagine those “sluts”..and those trans-vaginal ultrasound wands!

And this is the man who dwells in the very soul of the Republican Party.

John Eskow is a writer and musician. He wrote or co-wrote the movies Air America, The Mask of Zorro, and Pink Cadillac, as well as the novel Smokestack Lightning. He can be reached at: johneskow@yahoo.com