The Relationship Tease (AKA Boys Just Want To Have Fun)

Not too long ago, we had a SexLoveChat twitter chat on the subject of the “Relationship Tease”. First question people asked is what is a relationship tease? Think of it this way, a relationship tease is someone who leads you on (sometimes intentionally, sometimes not) into thinking that you have a chance at something real with them. This is one time where actions DON’T speak louder than words. How so? Well, they may tell you they don’t want a relationship but everything they do, all their actions, prove otherwise. They aren’t “all talk”, they’re “all action”. It’s certainly confusing to say the least! Although this article will focus on men relationship teases, women are most certainly guilty of the same thing. I’ve been caught up with these types of people, I hate to admit. But they’re a lot of fun to be around and send you all the right signals. The thing is, relationship teases want all the good parts of a relationship, the benefits, but none of the responsibility. That’s where the problems start …

The Relationship Tease

So we’ve defined what a relationship tease is, but, how do you recognize one? What are their “signature moves”? I’m here to give you a little insight … the thing is, it’s hard to tell the difference between a relationship tease and the real deal … but they will do all the right things without “sealing the deal” and making things official. He says he doesn’t want a relationship, he’s just having fun, doesn’t want to commit … but his actions say otherwise. What are these actions? Well …

calls you often, every day even, says good morning and goodnight, shares their daily activities with you, checks in when they’re out

introduces you to their family and friends

brings you as their date to family / friend outings

you are their go to +1

sees you several times a week both outside and inside the house

includes you in their daily activities, hobbies, fun and they do everything they can to make you a part of their life

has sex exclusively with you and you have sleep overs often

takes an especially keen interest in you and your life

wants to share life experiences

discusses travelling together and even does travel together

shows you genuine affection

tell other people about you

call your “their girl” or themselves “your guy”

So I know what you’re thinking, if it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, then logically it must be a duck! Right? WRONG!! Just because they are acting like they are in a relationship doesn’t mean in their head that they are. That’s the problem. A relationship tease does what’s convenient for them. In traditional situations, two people meet, they date, then things progress to something more, whatever it is the couple wants. But, in this case that’s never their intention. As mentioned earlier, they love the experience of being with someone but don’t want the responsibility and don’t want to miss out on a potentially great experience elsewhere. This, my friends, is where you distinguish the men from the boys, and, well, boys just want to have fun.

Boys Just Want To Have Fun

So is there anything wrong with just wanting to have fun and enjoy life? Not at all!! But, there is something wrong with leading someone else on. BUT, here’s the thing, if they tell someone that they don’t want a committed relationship from the beginning, is it really leading them on? Well, there is no easy answer here. The thing is, when words don’t match their actions you start thinking otherwise. They are a lot of fun to be with and make you feel wanted and fill what’s missing in your life, so, naturally, you want to believe that it’s real and that their original desire to stay “single” has changed. However, that’s not the case. For whatever reason they don’t want to have a real relationship with someone, for whatever reason, could be they’re scared, could be they were burnt, could be because of some of their baggage, for whatever reason they don’t want to commit, even to you. Ouch! I know that hurts your pride but you have to be realistic.

I learned this lesson the hard way in the past. Just when I thought I was making progress, the boy just wanted to have fun and although he loved being around me and my company, he wanted to be free. That was hard for me to digest because I am the kind of person who isn’t high maintenance nor am I needy. I like when a guy has his own life outside of “us”. Regardless, of how much space you give, the boy just wants to have fun and always needs his freedom. Even if you give them all the space and freedom in the world, feed them the best food, do everything in your power to make them happy and satisfied, they still are happier free. Nothing you can do to change that. Important to note that the relationship tease has a history of not committing to women that he treats in the same way as he has treated you. It’s a pattern. You need to open your eyes and be observant. You’re not any different than any other girl, you’re not more special, you’re just the flavor of the month (or several months). The chances of inspiring change in him is slim to none.

How to Avoid a Relationship Tease

What you need to learn is how to avoid time wasters when dating, because, frankly, a relationship tease is a time waster. They put their selfish needs above their responsibilities to the other person and can’t understand why the other person reacts negatively when they finally spread their wings and fly while still keeping them in the picture. They don’t get it. Being with a relationship tease is essentially dating a narcissist. It’s unfortunate really, but who’s to blame? I think both people are. The relationship tease is to blame because he gives her everything she wants and acts like he’s in a relationship with her giving her no doubts whatsoever, except for the occasional comment. The girl is to blame because she knew what he was like with others, he even told her he didn’t want anything serious, but she still continued regardless getting attached in the process.

What’s the solution? The solution is that these guys need to stop treating women like they’re in a relationship just to meet their own selfish needs. They need to keep things casual and not be temporarily exclusive with them. No need for daily good morning and good nights, no need for frequent sleep overs unless it’s necessary. Make sure that you’re both on the same page. Perhaps date more than one person at a time and make sure they all know they’re not exclusive. Find someone who wants exactly the same thing as you. Relationship teases get into trouble because they send mixed messages and are wishy washy with women. Women on the other hand need to believe a guy when they say that they don’t want to commit or don’t want a relationship with you. Look at their track record, you’ll get all the answers you need there. You either move on or stay at the risk of getting hurt. Wishful thinking is NOT allowed.

So there you have it, the relationship tease. I’ve been burnt in this way before and I’m not planning on it ever happening again. I take full responsibility for my own actions at the time and learned from them. I also challenge you to learn from my mistake and be aware of blurred lines when dating. Someone either wants to be with you or they don’t. It’s not complicated, we complicate it. It’s really up to you and it’s your responsibility to be aware and make the right choice for yourself. Only you can do that, no one else. Plain. Simple.

READERS: Have you ever dated a relationship tease or are you a relationship tease? What are your thoughts on this topic? Share your thoughts and insights in the comments below!

My only thought is….why didn’t I know this all earlier?! My best friend and I have just gone through the same thing and I wish I knew the warning signs earlier. Thank you for educating us ladies on the “relationship tease”…it really is a time waster. However, now I feel equipped to recognize from the get go next time 🙂

I call this PLAYING HOUSE. Boys say they never did it growing up… unless a sister coaxed them into it, but then, here they are – PLAYING HOUSE! I’m sure they’re just making up for lost time. I think in these situations, a person just needs to call a spade a spade and say out loud, “I’m against just “playing” house… So, if you don’t want this to be the real deal, then let’s date other people.” But then whomever is doing the talking here, has to back it up with solid action, and actually SLOW THINGS DOWN with the tease… Just my thoughts though. Great post!

Last October, I met a guy who talked the talk AND walked the walk. For 8 weeks. I was so shocked at how attentive he was – after two weeks of dating, he mentioned how I would eventually be moving in with him. After 4 weeks, I met his boys, even though I was the one to suggest it might be too early. But he insisted that “We will all be together eventually anyway, so why not sooner rather than later?”. He even had me plan my vacation time for a “family” road trip for the four of us. He took me along to shop for a new vehicle so that we could all fit into it for our outings. He asked for advice on home renovations saying “You will be living here in April too, so it’s your decision too.”
He made plans for me to meet his family at Christmas. I couldn’t believe how well everything was going!

Then, on December 20, 2013, I was at home making treats for the boys because we were all going to the swimming pool the next day. My new swimsuit was laying on the couch, ready for tomorrow. Suddenly, I got a text message from my man that said “I’m sorry, I can’t do this. Goodbye.” I never heard from him again.

I was absolutely heartbroken, And I haven’t dated since. I spent months in a black hole of depression.I can’t get back out there, for fear of being crushed again. I thought I was doing everything right – and I got dumped via text. I’m 42 years old and single. I still cry every day and can’t be happy for others. I desperately want to get out of this.

I guess that I did without knowing it, however, now thinking back on it, the relationship evolved into that. Maybe that’s what you experienced as well. I dated someone who was really into me and her actions dictated the same. However, over time I got the message that she wanted her freedom. That she would rather enjoy herself without me than with me. That happens. People will always think (and some times succeed) they can do better. It’s frustrating when you give 100% only to find out the other person isn’t on the same page with you, but that’s a part of life. It’s unfortunate, but true. Especially going into 2015. People feel as if they have the right to change their mind (or not be serious at all) with no regards for the other person’s feelings. So many have the “get over it” mentality and that’s a society issue. The only way to combat this is to not give these people a chance to even start. Have a discussion and be clear in the fact that you’re “dating for a purpose” before things get too far.