Archive for March 2009

WASHINGTON – President Obama said today that he would resign from office and restore the presidency to George W. Bush. He then reassured a gathering of stunned reporters that he was only kidding and wished all Americans a safe and happy April Fools Day.

A video featuring both Obama and Bush later surfaced on the White House website in an effort to calm the public’s frazzled nerves.

“Rest assured America, I am no longer your President,” former president Bush said in the video, “I deeply respect President Obama’s sense of humor and appreciation for April Fools Day.”

In the video, President Obama said he was trying desperately to cheer up the American people in the midst of the most trying economic times in recent memory. “I’ve endorsed bailouts of the banking sector and the auto industry. Now it’s time for a comedic bailout,” Obama said.

White House staffers confirmed that a future video featuring President Obama and former Vice-President Dick Cheney is currently in the works. The White House plans to release the video by Halloween.

ARLINGTON – Rosetta Stone Ltd. the company behind the best selling language learning software has released a new teenage slang educational CD. Advocates say the breakthrough product could help bridge the generational divide between children ages 10-17 and adults 21 and older.

“What up dawg? Want to tweet about this?,” said Armond Burgess, 34, as he practiced his new found language skills while using the CD. He was less impressed by the Hannah Montana soundtrack that accompanies the software. “Cultural immersion is the best way to learn a new language, but this is pretty square,” he said.

The software is also unpopular among many tweens who say the software is already outdated. “The software still has phrases like ‘cat’s pajamas’ and ‘too cool for school’ which were in vogue during my parents’ generation,” said Mike Gorstrom, 12.

According to a Facebook.com poll more appropriate phrases might include ‘hello kitty’s long johns’ and ‘way better than online American Studies courses’, respectively.

MAKE BELIEVE PROPER – Major media outlets are projecting that King Friday XIII will lose in his bid for reelection tonight in the Neighborhood of Make Believe’s first ever democratic election. With 85% of precints reporting, Price Tuesday, the King’s Son and recent political rival, is expected to win by a margin of 52% to 48%.

“His Majesty is remaining cautiously optimistic as the votes continue to come in,” said Mayor Maggie a close advisor to the King. King Friday’s top advisors said their optimism was also bouyed by recent allogations of voter fraud against the Tuesday Campaign which is accused of registering factious voters living behind Lady Elaine Fairchilde’s spinning museum.

Advisors for Prince Tuesday hinted that their candidate was likely to make an acceptance speech as early as tomorrow morning. “The Prince in very happy with the results so far and will make an appearance as soon as the results are finalized.” The Prince is being applauded by progressive groups for his proposed reforms including universal seamstress care and upgrading the neighborhood trolley to run on solar power.

MAPLETON – Roommates Steven Lewis and Trevor Clark, descendants of the famous American explorers Meriwether Lewis and William Clark, say they’ve discovered a Thai restaurant on 3rd street.

“I had no idea there was a Thai restaurant in this neighborhood,” said Mr. Lewis who claims to be the first person in his immediate circle of influence to know about the establishment. “I was walking out of the dry cleaners last week, when I noticed this little place down the street.”

That afternoon Lewis phoned his roommate, Mr. Clark, to tell him about the discovery and to gauge his interest in coordinating an early dinner expedition. “I was like ‘Heck yes!’ and kissed my girlfriend goodbye, not knowing when I’d return,” Clark recalls.

The duo set out on a four-city-block journey, mustering every ounce their genetic fortitude and navigational prowess, finally arriving at the Bo Thai Cafe. “I remember feeling hungry and wondering whether I could withstand the trek across two busy intersections. Something inside me said I would survive,” Lewis said.

The partners kept detailed mental notes of their dinner experience, but their reviews were mixed. “I had the Baby corn and Mushroom stir fry, which I would probably recommend to friends or close acquaintances,” Clark said. Lewis was served a dish that resembled Roasted Duck Curry, but tasted much different. “There was a handlebar mustache hair in my food. I think it psyched me out. I hated it,” Lewis said.

The two men later returned home by way of public transit and vowed to return only if they had a monster craving for egg rolls, beyond the ability of Panda Express to pacify.

LEGOLAND – Tuesday morning brought sadness and shock, as local residents reeled from Legoland’s second dog attack in as many days. At 6:04 a.m. a large German Shepard beast-dog entered the bedroom and began crushing buildings with its massive paws, while slurping up unsuspecting citizens with its diabolical tongue.

“It was indescribable,” said local resident Phillip Sqaurepants who had just finished reassembling his mother-in-law’s head and hindparts. “I was out watering my fake plastic plants, with my fake plastic water pitcher, when all of a sudden this huge monstrous beast peeked over the roof tops. I thought for certain I was a gonner.”

Although many resident’s found safe haven inside of their elaborately constructed plastic brick condominiums, not all Legoland metropolitan locals were quite so lucky.

Linus Yellowface, age 65, had just finished exploring an ancient Incan shrine which was haunted by a “glow-in-the-dark” ghost, when he was suddenly eaten alive by the beast-dog. The rest of the Yellowface family, who had accompanied Linus on his expedition, were immediately rushed to safety by a Star Wars Galactic Cruiser which happened to be fighting Dark Vader on a nearby bookshelf. “I am so grateful for those men on the cruiser,” said a distraught Hilary Yellowface “they managed to fend off the beast-dog with their light sabers as we boarded their spacecraft.”

Legoland President Marko Fakesmile, called today’s and yesterday’s attacks a “terrible set of days in our nation’s peaceful history.” The president vowed to fund the construction a gigantic Pirate Ship that would patrol the carpet just outside the bedroom where the beast-dog has been known to frequent. “We will stop this vicious beast with every weapon in our arsenal. I call upon all Legoans to help fight this threat by gathering their unused blocks and donating it towards the Pirate Ship effort.”

President Fakesmile is also said to be in negotiations with Johnny Houston, age 9, who is apparently the sole owner of the beast-dog. The administration is drafting a treaty which would require the bedroom door to be closed from 9am-5pm on weekdays, noon-6pm on weekends, and all-day Sunday.

This, at the very least, officials say, will create a sense of predictability in the beast-dogs visits and may keep it out of the bedroom altogether.

Advisors close to the President say an agreement may likely include opening up trade routes with Jenny Houston, age 6, and her Barbie Doll colony down the hallway.

NEW YORK – In a much anticipated announcement Friday, a federal judge ruled that Martha Stewart, former CEO of Martha Stewart Living Onmimedia Inc., will face the death penalty for allegedly lying to authorities about trading 4,000 shares of stock in a friend’s company.

“I am completely satisfied with the decision that has been handed down,” said Stewart before a flurry of media reporters waiting outside the federal court. “I feel as if justice has been served.”

For the last two years, Stewart has been dogged by the legal issues surrounding her case. In conversations with family and friends Stewart has insisted that her offense was simply “a little white lie”.

But under a provision of the Patriot Act, passed by Congress just two years ago, “little white lies” fall under the category of “national security threat” and must be dealt with in the harshest of fashions.

“Just a few years ago, lying to the authorities was no big deal,” said U.S. District Judge Miriam Cedarbaum, who presided over Stewart’s case. “I can think of numerous occasions in which good friends of mine mislead authorities on a day-to-day basis. It was almost a hobby for them. Unfortunately, due to the war against terrorism, the government must be more serious when dealing with cases such as this.”

Upon the announcement of Stewart’s sentence, the stock price of her company skyrocketed and officials said sales in kitchen items saw reasonable returns.

In a statement released by Stewart’s publicists, it was learned that Stewart has chosen to be put to death via slow roasting, a process which authorities say could take weeks.

“Martha will be dipped in a special meat sauce, rolled into a thick sheet of pasta and baked at 540 degrees until well done. She will be laid to rest upon freshly folded napkins and surrounded by her collection of sterling silverware which she recently purchased at an antique flea market,” read the statement. “Martha would have it no other way. She thinks its a good thing.”

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My wife and I will be on vacation for the next couple of days, so there will be no new ‘Debacles’ until March 26, 2009. *hard frown* In the meantime, I’m reposting some of my favorite Daily Debacle entries from the “old” archive. These will be posted every couple of days until next weekend. Thanks and, those of you in the Northern Hemisphere, enjoy the beginning of Spring!

Wednesday, August 18, 2004Bush to Djibouti: Make name easier to pronounce
President contends ‘easier phonics promote freedom and stability’

In his speech, the President suggested two alternate spellings for the small African country including “Jabootee” and “East Africa”, both of which, the President suggests “have not been used yet” by other countries.

The speech came on the heels of a recent congressional report concerning the nation of Azerbaijan and its inherently “sloppy phonetical construction”. The Justice department has said it would be willing to send a delegation of linguists and scholars to help correct the problem, should the country request it.

There is no word yet whether either country will comply, but the President said Monday he remains steadfast in his efforts to rid the world of “poor spelling which leads to terror and confusion”.

He also expressed his disappointment in congress’s failure to ratify a new constitutional amendment which would rename Hawaii and transform Oklahoma into “Northern Texas”.