How to: Donald Trump Your Way to a Passable Essay

You’re walking into that chem or physics exam and have no idea whatsoever is happening, nor do you really give a shit. But you still need to get a good grade, because life is all about appearances. Look no further than the most powerful man in America, Donald J. Trump, who faked his way to the top by knowing nothing and spouting buzzwords for people either too dumb or too busy to think… After this you’ll be able to say absolute bullshit about the Civil War, and most people will just gloss over it, allowing you to just keep on livin’.

Step 1 — Know the Buzzwords:Take words you’ve gleaned from merely existing on this planet, words from elsewhere in the test or in the questions itself, and just sort of rearrange and repeat them while you think of something else to say.

Example: Briefly explain one key difference between the goals of the English and Spanish in establishing colonies in the Americas prior to 1700.

Trumped Answer:

In 1700 there were many key differences between the goals of the English and Spanish trying to colonize this Americas. Many, many countries were trying to colonize the Americas, but the English and Spanish were the biggest, they were the biggest powers in the world, and people respected them. There were a lot of boats, they had a metal boat, which was very technologically advanced, so that was one key difference: technology. Which is very very important when it comes to establishing colonies prior to 1700.

Step 2 — Get Down to Brass Tacks:

Your professor has read thousands of boring essays, she needs someone who’ll talk directly to her — someone who’ll speak to her emotions instead of boring old facts. Time to lean in and talk shop.

Example: Briefly explain one key difference between the goals of the English and Spanish in establishing colonies in the Americas prior to 1700.

Now I, listen. No one knows what the English and Spanish were thinking, because we weren’t there! You can listen to history books, but who writes those? Does anybody know? There was no Twitter back then, so who really knows? No one, so why should we trust ol’ King James Jones on what– you know, nothing is so simple as to narrow down “key” differences, so no one can really know, can they? …

Step 3 — PIVOT:

This is where you redirect attention away from your complete and utter ineptitude and towards something just so fucking crazy that the professor will get too wrapped up in trying to decrypt your word vomit to care.

Example, cont’d: Briefly explain one key difference between the goals of the English and Spanish in establishing colonies in the Americas prior to 1700.

… And you know, I think history would be written differently today than it was back then. Computers, for one. And the press, fake news CNN. How would they write history? They wouldn’t, you know, for one because back then half their reporters would be uneducated or too busy raising their children. We don’t raise children the same we used to, do we? It’s time to get back to the dynamics of family we used to have…

Example, cont’d: Briefly explain one key difference between the goals of the English and Spanish in establishing colonies in the Americas prior to 1700.

… So you’ve got the Americas, and all the natural, nature, and indigenous people who lived there. And the English, well they wanted to come in and make settlements, and I love the Spaniards, I do, but the English they did things right. So we should be proud of them, because they rejected their big government and built settlements. Which is big. Very huge.

Step 5 — Finish Strong, and Nowhere:You’ve dragged your professor through some chaotic puzzle of absurdities, so at this point they’re just looking for literally anything to restore their faith in humanity.

Example, cont’d: Briefly explain one key difference between the goals of the English and Spanish in establishing colonies in the Americas prior to 1700.

… We think of Spanish people today, and we forget they were a major leader in the world and prior to 1700 they had some major differences in how they approached colonizing the Americas. I believe I’ve addressed these differences, and many people would agree with me that I did.