If you hate being hugged, the world can be a challenging place. You never know when someone you’re meeting for a quick coffee will approach you, arms open wide, coming in for an embrace.

Your options are limited: you can awkwardly dodge the gesture, stick out your hand for a handshake, or submit to the unwanted bear hug.

Regardless of whether you are pro or anti-embrace, here’s everything to know about the human behavior of hugging:

Why people love or loathe hugging

So why is it that some people love a good hug, while others abhor them? According to experts, it may have something to do with how you were raised.

“Our tendency to engage in physical touch—whether hugging, a pat on the back, or linking arms with a friend—is often a product of our early childhood experiences,” says Suzanne Degges-White, a professor of Counseling and Counselor Education at Northern Illinois University. A 2012 study published in Comprehensive Psychology found that people who were raised by parents who were frequent huggers were more likely to be huggers in adulthood. The study concluded that, “hugging is an important element in a child’s emotional upbringing.”

Conversely, Degges-White says, for people raised by devout non-huggers, the very thought of hugging might make them uncomfortable. “In a family that was not typically physically demonstrative, children may grow up and follow that same pattern with their own kids,” she says.

Still, she notes instances when growing up without physical touchcan actually have the opposite effect. “Some children grow up and feel ‘starved’ for touch and become social huggers that can’t greet a friend without an embrace or a touch on the shoulder,” Degges-White says.

Whether you grew up in a family that was always hugging or was brought up in an environment that lacked touch—these factors can leave a lasting physiological impact.

Darcia Narvaez, a professor of psychology at University of Notre Dame, says that there are two main ways that not being touched can affect a growing body: it can lead to an underdeveloped vagus nerve, a bundle of nerves that runs from the spinal cord to the abdomen, which research shows can decrease people’s ability to be intimate or compassionate, and can lead to an underdeveloped oxytocin system, the glands which release the oxytocin hormone that can help humans form bonds with other people.

As proof, Narvaez points to a group of Romanian orphans, who were at the center of a 2014 study on the lasting impact of neglect on developing minds. Romanian orphans who were adopted had malfunctioning oxytocin systems, according to the study. “They were hardly touched in the orphanage and so did not display the rise in oxytocin— ‘the cuddle hormone’—well-cared-for children have when sitting on their parent’s lap,” Narvaez says.

Without this hormone, it can be harder to pick up on social cuesand even be more sociable. So hugging and touch are incredibly important for youngsters—even if you don’t particularly like them as an adult.

Self-esteem and body issues may also play a role in someone’s hugging predilections. “People who are more open to physical touch with others typically have higher levels of self-confidence,” says Degges-White. “People who have higher levels of social anxiety, in general, may be hesitant to engage in affectionate touches with others, including friends.” And the fear of someone ‘reaching out’—literally and figuratively—can make that discomfort even worse, she warns.

There’s also a cultural component to being hug avoidant. People in the U.S. and England hug and touch way less often than people in France or Puerto Rico, according to a 2010 study by the Greater Good Science Center at UC Berkeley.

How huggers should interact with people who are hug avoidant

The Emily Post Institute, which carries on the work of the eponymous doyenne of etiquette, suggests skipping the hug altogether unless you are closely acquainted with someone. The reason is simple: while you might be comfortable with it, “not everyone else—even those who might go along with it quietly—are,” the institute wrote in a blog post.

The manners maven also encouraged huggers to take note of body language: when someone proffers their hand instead of going in for a bear hug for example, recognize the signal, and then shake on it. The body language of non-huggers is hard to miss, too: If you’re going in for a hug and notice a grimace or a look of horror in the person’s eyes, you might consider aborting the mission.

Samantha Hess—a “professional cuddler” and founder of a Portland, Oregon-based service that teaches people how to enjoy platonic touch—says it’s important to be mindful of other people’s cues. “Everyone has the right to control what happens to their body,” she says. “Many of our clients aren’t comfortable with even a handshake when they first arrive.”

Hess adds that it can take weeks or even months for her clients to feel comfortable enough to enjoy a good old-fashioned embrace—if they ever get there at all.

The scientific benefits of hugging

There is a very real reason to try hugging: it may make you less likely to get sick.

In a 2015 study, researchers from Carnegie Mellon University looked at the effects that hugs and other forms of affection can have on the immune system. Specifically, researchers wanted to know if the people who felt loved were less susceptible to the common cold—and they were: 32% of that immune boost came from the stress-alleviating effects of hugging.

“Those who receive more hugs are somewhat more protected from infection,” the study concluded.

But if anti-huggers are still unconvinced, they may want to make note of a 2014 study published in the American Journal of Infection Control that found that fist bumping is the most hygienic form of greeting—an alternative that requires minimal contact.

How to overcome your aversion to hugs

While no one should ever feel obligated to hug someone, if you want to overcome your hug aversion, Hess’s company has a carefully laid out plan for helping people overcome their distaste for the embrace. “We go over consent and boundaries prior to any touch and reassure them they are always welcome to change their mind,” she explains. “We have 78 cuddle poses we can guide people through so we can find something for just about any comfort level.”

And for those who don’t mind physical touch, but still aren’t sold on hugging, Degges-White suggests pushing through the temporary unease and go for the embrace. “You may very well find yourself overcome with relief, gratitude, surprise, acceptance and even regret for having closed yourself off from your own self for so long,” she says.

9 Things Therapists Do When They

Want To Feel Happier

You can be an absolute expert within the field of finding happiness and still need a little help yourself.

“We have the same problems as our patients,” said David D. Burns, a clinical psychiatrist and author of bestselling psychology book Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy. And sometimes that means dealing with negative thoughts, anxiety and bad moods.

So what does a therapist — usually the advice-giver when it comes to these types of problems — do when they’re in a funk? I loved falling across this HuffPost article who chatted with Burns and a few other experts to get their tips. Here are some of their go-to moves when they need to feel happy ASAP, as well as their advice on how you can steal them for yourself:

Use the “30-second rule”

If you’re feeling overwhelmed by a task, chore, conflict, to-do list ― and it’s totally sabotaging your mood ― try tackling just a small piece of it, Burns said. “The thing I choose to do has to be something I can complete in about 30 seconds, that way I can’t give myself any excuses to procrastinate,” he explained.

For example, Burns said that day he was feeling particularly overwhelmed by piles of paperwork on his desk, so he put his method into practice immediately. He took 30 seconds — all while on a call — to put a few pieces of paper together, staple them and file those papers properly in his file cabinet.

It’s ridiculously simple, but Burns said he felt a marked improvement in his mood immediately. “You feel a little bit of a boost every time you do this,” he said.

(I AM THE MOST UN-ORGANIZED ORGANIZED GUY I KNOW; I AM POWERFULLY PRODUCTIVE UNDER THE GUN AND AM IN CONSTANT COMPETITION WITH MYSELF; SO I PLAY THE GAME OF DOING JUST A LITTLE BIT MORE A LITTLE BIT LONGER AND A LITTLE BIT BETTER: WIN!)

Do some deep breathing

SCIENCE PHOTO LIBRARY VIA GETTY IMAGES

This tip is the oldest trick in the book for a reason. According to Habib Sadeghi, a holistic health expert and author of The Clarity Cleanse, taking a few large breaths can activate your parasympathetic nervous system, a part of your overall nervous system that’s responsible for lowering your heart rate and blood pressure. Taking a few deep breaths is also “a way to get out of the head and into the body,” Sadeghi said.

Sadeghi added that a deep-breathing exercise can be a small, easy way to slow down and change “how we think and feel.”

To try it yourself, start with a forceful exhale to clear some of the air from your lungs. Hold this for a second or two, then inhale deeply, allowing your abdomen to expand. Count to seven as you inhale, then hold your breath for about the same amount of time. Then exhale slowly for about 14 seconds or so. Repeat this for about 10 cycles, preferably on the edge of a chair with your eyes closed.

(WE NEVER THINK ABOUT BREATHING; SO THINK ABOUT IT. THE AVERAGE PERSON TAKES ANYWHERE FROM 17,280 TO 23,040 BREATHS A DAY. JUST THINK ABOUT 40 OF THEM ON PURPOSE)

LET YOURSELF FEEL BAD

It might be tempting to squash your terrible mood by suppressing that negativity, but you’re actually not doing yourself any favors. Instead, experts tell their patients ― and themselves ― to let themselves feel whatever emotions that pop up.

“Don’t tell your feelings to shut up. Instead, ask ‘what’s up?’” said Heidi Ligouri, a licensed counselor and motivational speaker. She added that ignoring a feeling can often make a situation worse.

Taking the time to process feelings can also help you get into a happier mindset more easily. There’s no reason to feel bad about feeling bad, said Kathleen Dahlen deVos, a psychotherapist based in San Francisco. She calls accepting negative feelings “emotional fluency,” which means experiencing your emotions “without judgment or attachment.” This allows you to learn from them, use them or move on from them more easily, Dahlen deVos said.

(SOMETIMES MONDAY FEELS LIKE A MONDAY; HUG THAT PORCUPINE AND REMIND YOURSELF THAT MONDAY IS ‘J U S T’ A DAY NOT ALL SEVEN; TUESDAY IS COMING AND SO IS THE WEEKEND!)

Stop and say one nice thing about yourself

ARTURSFOTO VIA GETTY IMAGES

Self-criticism comes easily for most people, especially when they’re in a terrible mood. So, once you’ve acknowledged you’re feeling crummy, counter that with a little emotional TLC.

“We tend to be so brutal on ourselves. Not only are we telling ourselves not to feel, but when we see a feeling we judge ourselves,” for having it, said Ligouri. “Once you see the [negative] feeling … practice self-compassion.”

If your bad mood is caused by a mistake, or if you’re thinking negatively about yourself, interrupt that stream of consciousness by picking out one thing you like about yourself. For example, maybe you prioritize hanging out with your sister, or you’re a team player at work, or you volunteer every month. Just something that gives yourself credit for your attributes. It sounds like a corny exercise, but it might just work.

“Developing a practice of mindful self-compassion has been hugely supportive in helping me to live a happier, healthier, and more joyful life,” Dahlen deVos said. “Self-compassion, in essence, is the recognition that no matter what is happening in our lives, we are innately worthy, lovable and connected to all of humanity.”

Jodi Aman, a psychotherapist and author of You 1, Anxiety 0, said she practices this as well. “I get dissed and let down as much as the next girl,” she said. “I’ve trained myself to show compassion for what I feel, and this helps me not judge myself, which makes the hurt easier on the mind and soul.”

(MY GREATEST SELF TALK GO TO: I BELIEVE I AM THE BEST THERE IS; I BELIEVE IT WITH ALL OF MY HEART; B U T I ‘ K N O W’ IT’S NOT TRUE WHICH IS WHY EVERY DAY I JUST DON’T SEE MY FLAWS, I AM SEVERELY MOTIVATED TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT)

Ask yourself what you should do next ― then do it

Let’s say you showed up 20 minutes late to a meeting and halfway through your important presentation, you noticed you had a massive coffee stain on your shirt. You get through the meeting, but you’re angry about the circumstances afterward. In this situation, Ligouri said she figures out her next step by asking herself what she needed.

“Ask yourself: Do I want to keep rolling around in upset? Do I want to create or recreate a commitment to living a happy healthy life? Do I just need a nap? Do I want to reach out to a friend?” Ligouri said. In other words, figure out what to do next ― even if it’s just a simple task ― and then commit to doing it.

(SECRET WEAPON: M O T I O N–VERB IT UP! IT’S ALL ABOUT BEING IN MOTION/ACTING/DOING– EVEN IF IT’S IN YOUR HEAD)

Take a hike

JGI/JAMIE GRILL VIA GETTY IMAGES

Maybe not literally, but at the very least get outdoors. Each expert said they rely heavily on this activity as a way to improve mood.

“I make it a point to get fresh air and incorporate movement into every day,” Dahlen deVos said. “Sometimes this means a yoga or fitness class, but often it’s just a morning hike with my pup or an afternoon walk around the neighborhood during a free hour.” Her secret weapon? Doing this phone-free.

Aman also said long walks, in particular, are her go-to move when it comes to increasing her happiness. “I take a long walk in the woods,” she said. “The research on this is unmistakable. It’s good for the mind, body, and soul.”

You also get the added benefit of exercise, which is its own mood booster, Sadeghi said.

“Exercise is really one of the best ways to blow off stress and sadness,” he explained. “Even resistance training, or a rough round of racquetball or tennis — something that requires you to focus intensely on your body, its movements and sensations.”

(I WAS DEVASTATED TO EXPERIENCE THAT I COULD NO LONGER RUN MARATHONS OR EVEN SHORT DISTANCES BUT I CAN SWIM-RUN IN THE POOL AND STILL WALK–THE BEACH–ANY BEACH IS THE BEST; IT HAS IT’S HEALTH BENEFITS BUT I DO IT FOR MY HEAD NOT SO MUCH MY HEART)

Find a mantra that works when you’re in a bad mood

Dahlen deVos said she keeps a set of mantras in her back pocket, and recommends the same for her clients. “Develop a self-compassion mantra: an easy-to-memorize set of phrases to repeat when we need a compassion boost, or to create mindfulness of a situation,” she said.

She recommended trying something like this the next time you’re feeling down and out: “I’m having a hard time, but everyone feels this way sometimes. May I be gentle with myself and remember that I’m safe and okay.” (MY GO TO : “I GOT THIS, BRING IT!”)

Dance it out

Sadeghi said he personally turns to dance as “a great way to expel a lot of pent-up anxiety or depressive energy.”

Using a mix of “upbeat songs that you really love,” give yourself room to literally dance like no one’s watching. “Make your movements random, but deliberate and strong; get your whole body into it,” he said. “Imagine the negative energy flying out of your body through your fingertips as you move around.”

(ok in my case: SING IT OUT, LOUD AND ANIMATED. MY FAVORITE PLAYLIST IS ONE I’VE CREATED CALLED: RUNNING; IT’S THE BEST WORKOUT I’VE HAD WITHOUT RUNNING SHOES)

This 2-Word Quote From Writer

Kurt Vonnegut

Will Change the Way You Work

(and the way Y O U C A R E)

CREDIT: Getty Images

When it comes to insights about work, there are tweaks and there are game changers. Which isn’t to diminish tweaks. Sometimes, the perfect scheduling hack or productivity ritual can radically improve how much you get done.

PRACTICE BECOMING

It comes from celebrated author Kurt Vonnegut, who penned this succinct nugget of professional wisdom in response to a high school student who was given the assignment of writing his favorite author. Vonnegut’s kind reply included these two powerful words: practice becoming.

If the phrase doesn’t immediately strike you like a thunderclap that’s because Vonnegut’s advice might require a little more explanation. He tells his correspondent:

Practice any art, music, singing, dancing, acting, drawing, painting, sculpting, poetry, fiction, essays, reportage, no matter how well or badly, not to get money and fame, but to experience becoming, to find out what’s inside you, to make your soul grow.

Seriously! I mean starting right now, do art and do it for the rest of your lives. Draw a funny or nice picture of Ms. Lockwood, and give it to her. Dance home after school, and sing in the shower and on and on.

Like many wise thinkers, Vonnegut recognizes that “success,” if you view it as a single, final destination, will always be out of reach. There will always be someone you can compare yourself to and find yourself wanting. There will always be more to want and more to dream. Instead of working to reach some fixed goal (and planning on finally enjoying yourself then), enjoy the the process of working and living itself, the self-exploration and moment-by-moment accomplishment it gives you.

Or, in other words, you’re always going to be in the process of becoming who you want to be, so you may as well get good at becoming and learn to enjoy it. It’s a powerful message for our endlessly ambitious, angst-filled age.

Looking for more down-to-earth wisdom from Vonnegut? Here’s his letter in its entirety, including a fun “assignment” he gives the young man who reached out. You could give it a try yourself if you want to practice becoming yourself tonight.

These feelings are known as impostor syndrome, or what psychologists often call impostor phenomenon. An estimated 70% of people experience these impostor feelings at some point in their lives, according to a review article published in the International Journal of Behavioral Science. Impostor syndrome affects all kinds of people from all parts of life: women, men, medical students, marketing managers, actors and executives.

What is impostor syndrome ?

Impostor syndrome—the idea that you’ve only succeeded due to luck, and not because of your talent or qualifications—was first identified in 1978 by psychologists Pauline Rose Clance and Suzanne Imes. In their paper, they theorized that women were uniquely affected by impostor syndrome.

Since then, research has shown that both men and women experience impostor feelings, and Clance published a later paperacknowledging that impostor syndrome is not limited to women. (She also created an impostor syndrome test.) Today, impostor syndrome can apply to anyone “who isn’t able to internalize and own their successes,” says psychologist Audrey Ervin.

“Perfectionists” set extremely high expectations for themselves, and even if they meet 99% of their goals, they’re going to feel like failures. Any small mistake will make them question their own competence.

“Experts” feel the need to know every piece of information before they start a project and constantly look for new certifications or trainings to improve their skills. They won’t apply for a job if they don’t meet all the criteria in the posting, and they might be hesitant to ask a question in class or speak up in a meeting at work because they’re afraid of looking stupid if they don’t already know the answer.

When the “natural genius” has to struggle or work hard to accomplish something, he or she thinks this means they aren’t good enough. They are used to skills coming easily, and when they have to put in effort, their brain tells them that’s proof they’re an impostor.

“Soloists” feel they have to accomplish tasks on their own, and if they need to ask for help, they think that means they are a failure or a fraud.

“Supermen” or “superwomen” push themselves to work harder than those around them to prove that they’re not impostors. They feel the need to succeed in all aspects of life—at work, as parents, as partners—and may feel stressed when they are not accomplishing something.

Why do people experience impostor syndrome ?

There’s no single answer. Some experts believe it has to do with personality traits—like anxiety or neuroticism—while others focus on family or behavioral causes, Ervin explains. Sometimes childhood memories, such as feeling that your grades were never good enough for your parents or that your siblings outshone you in certain areas, can leave a lasting impact. “People often internalize these ideas: that in order to be loved or be lovable, ‘I need to achieve,’” says Ervin. “It becomes a self-perpetuating cycle.”

Factors outside of a person, such as their environment or institutionalized discrimination, can also play a major role in spurring impostor feelings. “A sense of belonging fosters confidence,” says Young. “The more people who look or sound like you, the more confident you feel. And conversely, the fewer people who look or sound like you, it can and does for many people impact their confidence.”

This is especially true “whenever you belong to a group for whom there are stereotypes about competence,” Young adds, including racial or ethnic minorities, women in STEM fields or even international students at American universities.

How to deal with impostor syndrome

One of the first steps to overcoming impostor feelings is to acknowledge the thoughts and put them in perspective. “Simply observing that thought as opposed to engaging it” can be helpful, says Ervin. “We can help teach people to let go and more critically question those thoughts. I encourage clients to ask ‘Does that thought help or hinder me?’”

You can also reframe your thoughts. Young says she reminds people that the only difference between someone who experiences impostor syndrome and someone who does not is how they respond to challenges. “People who don’t feel like impostors are no more intelligent or competent or capable than the rest of us,” Young says. “It’s very good news, because it means we just have to learn to think like non-impostors.” Learning to value constructive criticism, understanding that you’re actually slowing your team down when you don’t ask for help, or remembering that the more you practice a skill, the better you will get at it can all help.

It can also be helpful to share what you’re feeling with trusted friends or mentors. People who have more experience can reassure you that what you’re feeling is normal, and knowing others have been in your position can make it seem less scary. If you want to delve more deeply into these feelings, Ervin recommends seeking out a professional psychologist.

Most people experience moments of doubt, and that’s normal. The important part is not to let that doubt control your actions, says Young. “The goal is not to never feel like an impostor. The goal for me is to give [people] the tools and the insight and information to talk themselves down faster,” she says. “They can still have an impostor moment, but not an impostor life.”

this honest look-in-the-mirror-see-yourself-as-you-never-have-before-glance

isn’t as frightening as you have ever thought. . .

actually, it can truly be the

T R I P O F A L I F E T I M E!

FIVE QUESTIONS:

1) What do you really believe? This isn’t a final Philosophy 101 exam where your answers will be posted for the Universe to see. Is what you believe about Love, God, Spirituality, Life, Relationships YOUR BELIEFS or those that have been passed down to you from others?

2) What do you value? If someone were gushing about you, what would you feel best about what they would be saying? What do you admire most and value best in another person. Do you possess those qualities…do you really want to have them be YOU?

3) What makes you the happiest? Most of the time we think HAPPINESS is something that someone else is, but not really ever us. So are you really doing/being what you want, or did you settle for the HAVE-TO, instead of your WANT-TO?

4) What scars are still seeping? HINT: Usually the things that still cause an emotion in us are the things that still need healing. That’s NOT a bad thing…IT’S A REAL THING that you needed look away or try to cover up. Healing takes time…sometimes a lifetime and THAT is what a LIFE TIME is about.

5) What do you love about you? No, we’re not going to get up and share what we’ve barely seen a glimpse of ourselves. . .but we rarely need a mirror to reflect what makes us shine the best. You really do know your strengths, your successes, your attitudes, your friendships and relationships–what you are really thankful for in yourself.

The 2014 movie, BEGIN AGAIN with Keira Knightley and Mark Ruffalo is hardly Academy Award winning in any aspect, but, just the same, this is my favorite scene where Ruffalo’s drunken record producing character imagines instruments playing.

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