Yet there are huge strides towards action beyond the bedroom, non-sexual drama, even character development not seen in run of the mill pornos. Of course, a flair of self reverent humor helps, too. Perhaps meant as some sort of anti or parody, there are even priests and church talk here amid the brothels and, uh, pirate booty. Such dialogue, humor, and irony work for the sardonic men drooling over the wenches- and even the nautical terms sound in the spirit.

I kept picturing the guys on Hornblower giving the same seafaring directions and that sounds just fine. Both those who act like rookies and the regulars who should know a little something get caught between horribly weird spoofy combinations of Jack Sparrow and Captain Hook.

While some may genuinely attempt to ham it up or others at least try to portray something more serious, most of it falls flat. How many sexual combinations can you make?

I think there was a brunette in there somewhere! Not that it matters much, but the positives of Pirates are hindered by the same old traditional porn failings. Fortunately, the stylized production makes Pirates worth the watch. The original music is great- far beyond the usual bow chica wow wow staples. Its period rousing and even dare I say it, romantic. Real and authentic locations go a long way as well.

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The costumes are also fun and jazzed up enough in the high seas fashion to look one grade above the satin or crushed velvet Halloween costumes we expect. Most scenes are, however, damn dark, or at least, everything seems to take place at night.

I suppose this is a smart cheat on the CGI or in reuse of slim set pickings, which I understand, but I wish it were a little brighter. Nonetheless, the candlelit interiors do look nice. Push it real good! Even in this Pirates R release, we jump into the bumping uglies immediately. However, do to the editing of hard-core pornographic content for this mainstream release, things are over pretty quickly.

The other stars aren't so good at acting, even if they do look impressive in bandannas and black mascara. The dialogue is sometimes quite literary, but it doesn't sit well in the mouths of porn stars. Beyond that, it's all extremely familiar porno territory.

Pirates (2005) Nude Scenes

The sex scenes are very formulaic and include facial cumshots, deepthroating and spitting. I found the three girl-girl scenes to be extremely awful, partly because they engage in all those stupid cliches what IS it with that vulva-on-vulva humping thing?

Has any woman EVER had an orgasm that way? It's like someone wanted to see mud wrestling or something.

The women are all Barbie dolls, complete with bleached blonde hair, horror boob jobs and Botoxed lips. Don't expect any historical authenticity in this film. The special effects tend to resemble computer game graphics rather than what we're used to in mainstream movies, but given this is a porno, they're really not too bad. This film is probably the best of its genre, but I still didn't think it was that great.

I guess the problem is the genre itself, not the film. Big budget porn from the major studios is still relying on sexual cliches, and that's unfortunate.

It means that if you want to watch sex that resembles the kind of thing normal people have in their bedrooms, you won't find it here.