Day: August 13, 2011

On Monday, August 8, Tina and I celebrated three years of blissful, sex-laden, good-times having, fight-intensive, makeup-overloaded marriage. Our close friend Aaron was here on Monday, cockblockin’ like a champ, so we decided to postpone our celebration till this weekend.

Tonight we have reservations for Morton’s Steakhouse where we were engaged. I thought it would be utterly romantic. Nothing like eating a three-pound steak and working it off later … wink wink … nudge nudge … YouKnowWhatImSayin!

Brown chicken brown cow

Tina and I started dating in July of 2000, so we’ve technically been together since the beginning of time.

In 2006, we did the closest thing you can get to marriage … we bought a condo together.

At Christmas time 2006, we stopped in a jewelry store at a crappy mall while shopping for other gifts, and we looked at rings for shits and giggles.

When I was growing up, I heard that a man should spend three months salary on a ring. I told the sales rep that factoid, and he had the bizarre balls to look at me and say, “Are you crazy? That’s not true. You can spend much less if you want.”

I would have fired that son of a bitch if he worked for me and I overheard that.

I finally ring-shopped (for reals) in March 2007 in the Chicago diamond district after dragging my heels for, like, ever. I bought a gorgeous diamond and had it set in a beautiful ring decorated with a bunch of diamond specks. It took about a month to complete work.

Right before going to Washington, D.C. to bury Tina’s father in Arlington Cemetery (he had a Purple Heart from Vietnam), we had reservations for Morton’s Steakhouse on a Friday, because I had a gift certificate from a friend. I picked up the ring on Friday afternoon after telling Tina that I wanted to work from Panara Bread all day.

It seemed odd to her, but she went with it.

After dinner of two delicious steaks and me insisting we were splurging on this meal so don’t hold back on anything, Tina couldn’t decide what dessert she wanted. The choice was between a slice of coconut pie and crème brulée. She finally chose crème brulée. After she ordered, she excused herself to empty her bladder of the half-bottle of wine we shared.

After she walked away, I pulled our waiter aside, and I told him I had a ring, and asked if he would consider including it somehow on the dessert Tina ordered.

Tina returned from the bathroom a new woman. Soon after, the waiter came back with both desserts, and that caused a high-pitched squeal to erupt from Tina’s mouth. A split second later, Tina spotted the ring nestled between two raspberries and she burst into a hiccup crying laughter wiggle scream.

After she calmed down, I looked at her … creepily … just kidding. I looked deep in her eyes, told her I loved her and I asked her to marry me.

She said, “Hell no, bitch!” Plucked the ring from its home and ran out of the restaurant.

Honk.

No, she said, “Yes, yes, yes.”

It was definitely one of the top-ten moments of our relationship. We’re just hoping we can relive the glory day moments for an evening. It’s hard to do anything special when we celebrate life every day. But we’ll give it a go.

And no, Aaron, you didn’t cockblock on Monday. That was a joke … maybe you’ve heard of them?

I particularly liked how Hemant contrasted the recent statement from Willow Creek’s pastor Billy Hybels to a 2007 sermon with the following three bullet points and quotes from Hybels:

Myth 1) Homosexuals are born that way. (“This is a widely believed myth!… this myth is often spread aggressively by the gay liberation advocates…”)

Myth 2) Homosexuals lead happy lives. (“The gay life is anything but gay!… the homosexual lifestyle is a horrible lifestyle and a horror-filled lifestyle… did you know that the average — the average! — homosexual, over the course of a full lifetime, will have between 500 and 1000 sexual encounters with different men?It’s less for lesbians. They have fewer casual episodes or sexual encounters.”)

Myth 3) There is no hope for the homosexual. (“Friends, would you please try to put on the moccasins of a homosexual just one time before we conclude this service?… I frankly have never met a homosexual, or a lesbian, who went all the way to the point of sexual reorientation, sexual wholeness, without the help, without the careful longterm assistance, of a knowledgeable therapist…”)

Not that we expected much of anything, but you would think that a comedy would include jokes. The movie ended up being the joke, and Tina and I were the punch line for sitting through that turd.

The collective chorus of the American people should be shouting, “Since when did TV get better than movies?”

The studios are putting out just about any turd a group of people can come up with these days.

The director, Jason Winer, is no stranger to comedy. He directed several episodes of Modern Family, and he claims Chicago as the source of his humble beginnings. The local Improv Olympic is on his resume.

Hey Jason, since when did “available light” become an agreeable way to shoot women like Jennifer Gardner and Helen Mirren? Okay, you might have thrown a couple lights in the scenes, but … holy shit … you made Jennifer Gardner looks like hell.

You, sir, should be ashamed.

Who’s idea was that? And what studio approved that lighting throughout the WHOLE movie? Did you bother to hire hair and makeup or did you not get a budget for that either? Everyone looked like they were trampled on in almost every scene.