February 02, 2008

Being in a band is the greatest, especially if you’re into smoke machines. You’ve got to be careful about who you put in your band, though, because if you get the wrong combination of rockers, you could be in for a lifetime of pain. I made a little guide to help you out when you’re choosing band members.

GuitaristsThese guys are the toughest to pick. If you’re a guitar player yourself, consider yourself lucky that you don’t need to find one because these dudes have the biggest egos. They’re the ones who want to be front and center all the time. They’re the first ones buying the leather pants and they’re the ones spitting whiskey fireballs at everyone after shows. When you’re finding a guitarist, look for one that says stuff like “Maybe the drummer should be the singer,” or “Sometimes I like to play with my back to the audience because I don’t really like attention.” Trust me, he’s going to work out a lot better than picking the guy that says he wants to dress up like a sexy astronaut at every gig.

Bass PlayersYou want your bass player to be the coolest guy on the stage and the quietest. If it were up to me, kids who were taught to play the bass wouldn’t be allowed to speak for the rest of their lives. There’s something calming a bass player who slaps out the notes without a word. You know why I’m so against bass players speaking? They’re the first guy to steal your lady and the first guy to rat you out to the cops to save their own hides. I know this from experience. They should also be expert head-nodders, as this is a major part of playing the bass.

DrummersWhen you’re looking for a drummer, you want crazy but not too crazy. You want a beat-keeper that’s going to pull up foxy lady’s skirts with his drumsticks when he passes by, but you don’t want someone that’s going to hit you in the face with those sticks if you tell him he needs some gum. Once in a while you’ll find a drummer who embodies everything that is rock and rock, but most of the time those guys flame out real fast (I miss you, Moonie). Bottom line: make sure whomever you pick can count to four and hold his liquor.

KeyboardistsIf you put a keyboardist in your band, I will personally kick your ass no matter how old I am. A dude that plays the organ is a different story, but I don’t even have time to tell you to find someone like that. It would take hours.

Horns SectionYou don’t need them, but for some reason, these guys will always buy the beer. I think they’re just glad they’re not in marching band anymore.

If you follow my advice, you’re going to wind up with one hell of a band. Just make sure you have a killer name, too, or you can just give up before you start.