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Sunday, February 22, 2009

In the face of falling ad revenue and declining subscribers, the Republican Party secretly met with Chicago area publishers to pitch a bailout plan.

The plan would provide billions in grants to newspapers. As explained by Donald Plimsoul, a representative for Newt Gingrich, the Republican Party just wants to help defend an American Institution.

"Newspapers have long been a part of our American tradition." He said. "We cannot have the government this country deserves without newspapers."

Plimsoul noted that the "Democrat Party" opposes the Free Restored Engaged and Energized Press Act, or FREEP Act for short.

"They are giving ACORN 1 trillion dollars, but they won't give you a penny. I have to wonder if they support a free press?"

In order to get needed funds to the media, Plimsoul says that the Republican Party must gain a veto-proof majority in Congress. To do that, they'll need the media's help. He said the media could help by not diluting the Republicans' "balanced messages."

"Our talking points are a careful balance of information, populist outrage, pride in our common pre-socialist European heritage, and faith in higher powers. When you try to add Democrat viewpoints to our message, you upset the balance, and dilute the message."

"We appreciate the effort, but the message is unbalanced. Instead of making those of non-European origin regret stealing the election for Obama, it gave them an excuse to unite against 'racism.'"

Plimsoul suggested that newspaper hire Republican advisors to insure that all stories are properly balanced. He added that over Fifty percent of guests on the Sunday talk shows are conservative, and if the newspaper industry wants to survive, they need to exceed that number.

"The newspaper industry is on the verge of collapse. Papers are being forced to lay off their advertising representatives. Some are even saying that the Internet will replace the newspaper. You don't want that, do you? The American people need to hear pro-American messages. We don't have time to listen to Democrat messages anymore. You need to either work with us, or go out of business."

Even the alternative media is getting on board, said Plimsoul.

"It's hard for them to give up their Democrat support. But they are getting rid of their cartoonists, like Tom Tomorrow. This saves them a few dollars in the short run. It also buries their socialist propaganda in a wall of text that no one will have time to read. We'll look favorably on this when they send in their bailout applications."

Plimsoul also said that there would be no restrictions on how newspapers could spend their money. The publishers could spend all their money on "bonuses" if they wanted to.

"Who's going to report it to the public? Media Matters?" Everyone in the room laughed.

When asked if this plan would drive up the deficit, Plimsoul corrected the publisher.

"That is old fashioned thinking. We need to start thinking in terms of good spending and bad spending. The money we spent on rebuilding Iraq was good because it created a Middle Eastern nation that is dependent on us. The money Obama wants to spend on schools and roads will make the American people dependent on the government."

After the presentation, a representative for the Tribune said they would consider the offer.

"Well we've always been friendly to the Republican Party, and we're always open to giving more space to Rick Santelli. If this works out, we can get a check in 2013 for our century of support for the Republican Party."

Chris Olson, publisher of The Bolingbrook Babbler, wasn't convinced.

"I'm convinced that the newspaper industry will collapse before 2012. The Republican Party is just trying to buy as much good press as possible. By 2013, there will be very few newspapers left, so they won't have to spend that much on a bailout. It's a good deal for them."

Olson also added, "I fully suspect that The Babbler will be the only paper left in the Chicago area, and we won't need the Republican's funds. Though they are welcome to keep reading Ticked Off Ted's column."

No one from the National GOP office claimed to know about the deal, or about Donald Plimsoul. When this reporter called Gingrich's office, the receptionist said, "Newt! This reporter has a great idea!"

Tremble ran into the living room, and, to his horror, saw a giant squid talking on the phone.

"It sounded just like me."

Before Tremble could react, the creature ran away, and jumped through the front window. Tremble picked up the phone, and discovered that the squid was in the middle of a phone survey.

According to Bolingbrook officials, Tremble witnessed a Minnesota Land Squid. Since February 1st, Bolingbrook sightings have increased by 1000 percent. Unlike previous sightings, these creatures are now breaking into homes and talking to phone surveyors while the homeowners are away.

"For some reason, we believe the squids are trying to convince marketers that Bolingbrook residents don't want a seafood restaurant." Said an anonymous official.

Donna, a musical director at Bolingbrook church, say the squid she saw wasn't talking about seafood.

"I walked into my home, and heard myself saying that Bolingbrook had too many churches. I ran into the living room just as I heard this thing say, 'religion promotes violence.' That was so blasphemous that I over came my fear, and ran for the gun. When I got back, the thing had escaped. The police said it was a squid, but I say it was a demon from hell!"

Bolingbrook Animal Control urged residents to use caution if anyone spots a Minnesota Land Squid.

"The Minnesota Land Squid can be dangerous when provoked. Call Animal Control right away, and whatever you do, don't shoot them! They are an endangered species. Let the experts capture it."

According to Minnesota Department of Paranormal Affairs, The Minnesota Squid first appeared in 2004. It is believed that they were created during genetic experiments at The University of Minnesota Morris. Biology Professor PZ Meyers is believed to have been the head of the project. Meyers, who is also a regular blogger, has publicly denied being responsible for the Minnesota Land Squid.

Investigators, who asked not to be identified, claim that not only did Meyers create the land squids, but he may have sent them to Bolingbrook. Noting Meyers' desire to "crash" Internet polls, they feel that he sent the talking land squids to throw off marketing polls in Bolingbrook.

One of the investigators claims that Meyers confessed to him, and that it part of his larger plan to crash the 2010 census.

"I told him that he was mad. He replied, 'I AM MAD! I'm mad at Obama for not abolishing the Office of Faith Based and Neighborhood Partnerships! If he doesn't get rid of that illegal office I will crash his precious census! It will be my greatest achievement!'"

The investigators say they cannot act against Meyers now because the entire department is devoted to helping Norm Coleman convince the Minnesota Supreme Court to count the ghost vote.

When we tried to reach Meyers, a woman answered the phone. Her response consisted of so many unfamiliar words that we asked several local professors to help us translate.

Sunday, February 8, 2009

Sources with connections to the Wheaton City Council claim that the council rejected a "Religious Freedom" Ordinance. Had it passed, it would have protected Sunday School teachers and other religious teachers who wanted to teach "different viewpoints" in their classes.

The councilor who proposed the ordinance said he was inspired by the story of a Hebrew School teacher in the Chicago area who converted to Christianity. When she tried to proselytize to her synagogue's pre-school class, she was promptly fired.

"The woman was oppressed for teaching children about her new found love for Jesus Christ!" The councilor is alleged to have said. "That poor woman is now looking for a job in this economy! Let's make sure this never happens to a Wheaton resident!"

The ordinance was debated in closed session, the sources said. While the other members were sympathetic to her plight, they did find a serious flaw with the ordinance.

"The council realized that the ordinance could be used to protect non-Christians." Said one of the sources. "A teacher could make a Sunday School class read Sam Harris's books, and she would be protected under this ordinance. Or a Muslim could ask for a job at a church, and they would be forced to hire him!"

The City Attorney rejected other alternatives, like only protecting Christians, because he felt they were unconstitutional.

The councilors decided not to mention the ordinance at their next public meeting, according to the sources. Instead, they will work on a resolution praising Wheaton's religious heritage.

None of the Rabbis that The Babbler spoke to claimed to have fired a teacher for preaching Christianity.

Don Harkin of the Aurora chapter of American Atheists, expressed disappointment that the ordinance didn't pass.

"Christians have been trying to get their views taught in public schools for years. It would have been nice to get our views taught in their churches for a change. We even had a textbook ready just in case."

Monday, February 2, 2009

Twelve aliens were detained for questioning at Bolingbrook's Clow UFO base regarding possible extraterrestrial interference in Super Bowl XLII. The aliens were released six hours later after they surrendered their passport chips.

According to sources, The Men in Black believe that someone fired neuron neutralizers at the Arizona Cardinals during Steeler James Harrison's 100-yard return. Intercepted phone conversations suggest that the interstellar atheist group No Gopt was behind the attack.

"Just look at the Cardinals during that play!" Said a person who sounded like sports columnist Jay Mariotti. "The Cubs little league team could tackle better than that! For that one play, they weren't the underrated desert powerhouse. They were the Bears! Only aliens could turn the Cardinals into the Bears!"

No Gopt, based in Polaris, has attacked religious events on other worlds, including the coronation of the 3rd Space Pope. A press release from No Gopt claims that the Super Bowl is a religious event.

"If the Cardinals win, quarterback Kurt Warner will use the victory to promote his fictitious god. His words will pollute space as human fundamentalists transmit his boring speeches. We, as citizens of universe, must do everything we can to stop the Cardinals."

After its release, HemlPlay sent the following message to The Babbler: "The Bolingbrook 12 are innocent of all of these charges. Senator John McCain is persecuting us because he can't believe his team lost. So he is blaming us! We say that his state is filled with superstitious losers, and we will prove it in interstellar court!"

The Bolingbrook Department of Extraterrestrial Affairs refused to comment for this story. The NFL's receptionist laughed and hung up the phone before we could speak with any league officials.

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From illegal space aliens to the local weredeer population, we cover the stories the mainstream media won't cover! Since 1965, we've always told the truth about Bolingbrook, and its surrounding communities. To contact the webmaster, send your e-mail to bolingbrookbabbler@gmail.com. The Babbler reserves the right to print all messages.