My belief has been that my very survival was threatened if I spoke my mind, spoke the truth, or was my authentic myself. To me, survival can be just getting by, not feeling fulfilled, or not experiencing success from within.

Perhaps it is as we’ve heard said by many people…”I spoke up about the giant elephant in the room that everyone knew was there, but everyone is afraid to mention, and I was shamed for it.” Or maybe, it’s the fact that I saw something and spoke it as truth…for example, if I made a statement “the sky is blue” and someone said, “No Maria, the sky is red” (ok at sunset it is). If that type of thing happens again and again, a child with that type of conditioning will most certainly doubt what they see. And that potentially continues into adulthood. One thing I know for certain, feelings don’t lie and intuition knows truth. Feelings may be exaggerated if they trigger past repressed or suppressed pain, but my body knows truth. In fact, the practice of kinesiology (muscle testing) shows the body’s energy field expands with a “Yes” answer and contracts with a “No” answer. Your body’s intelligence knows truth, trust it.

How this has impacted my life…

I felt if I expressed what I felt, thought, or observed about someone who was covering up something (whether a lie or their insecurity), that my very survival would be threatened. Love would be taken away. So I learned the best thing to do was to shut up and keep quiet. I held my voice back, I didn’t want to rock the boat; I doubted what I felt and thought I saw. I took on shame and guilt and thought it was mine. I repressed anger because I knew what happened was wrong, but I believed I was the problem. I felt unworthy and wrong.

I began to deny, block, and repress what I felt. I thought what I was feeling must be wrong and began to doubt myself and what I felt. I don’t have many memories from before being a teenager, about age thirteen. I have few memories and they are fragmented. I allowed people to manipulate, coerce, intimidate, and bully me because I thought I was the problem.

I believed love would be withheld if I spoke up and all care would be cut off. I felt my very survival depended on keeping quiet. What I felt would be manipulated or twisted. I would be told I was wrong and that I was the problem.

I believed I was deprived of love and nurturing care, and from that I learned to deprive myself. I’d hide myself. I thought I was wrong or the problem. I tried desperately to win back other’s approval, to smooth things over, to fix the “problem” I thought I created. I felt ostracized, isolated, alone, terrified. I kept other people’s toxic secrets. I felt other’s behaviors were my fault and I was responsible for them. I thought intimidation and bullying were normal. I backed down for fear of being alone, isolated, not loved, and terrified that my very security would be threatened. I merely survived. I suppressed all my self expression. My opinions about life and what I felt were filled with self doubt. I felt if I upset someone, I didn’t deserve love and they would leave, abandon me, or threaten my very security. I believe others could take what I had and I had no rights. I was powerless and helpless. I never allowed myself to express myself. I apologized or was always sorry because I thought “things” were my fault. I’ve been told so in dysfunctional relationships. I blamed myself, criticized and judged myself, for not being or reacting perfectly and upsetting someone else. I repressed anger because I didn’t think I had the right to get angry. I thought I was the problem. I didn’t trust myself. I had no boundaries. I couldn’t say no.

The good news is that I’m getting better every day. Each day, more of this pattern is revealed to me. I’ve learned and am continuing to learn as a result of all these experiences. This pattern has played itself out in my life again and again. Through my awareness, more is revealed to me little by little. I feel so much better about myself and it comes from within, not outside of myself. My life has been, as I’ve said, my journey to genuine self-confidence. My confidence comes from my ever-deepening connection to my higher power and from acceptance of what I’ve done or haven’t done in my life. As confidence grows, I accept all of me and know that as long as I continue my spiritual practice, I’ll always be taken care of. Then these messages, beliefs, and patterns I’ve learned transform into positive messages about myself. I trust what I feel and through each experience, I trust myself more. Life gives me more opportunities to dissipate the energy of these beliefs every day. And as I allow the repressed emotions to reveal themselves, as I sit with them, care for myself, let them be and fully accept them, I change and grow. Life becomes more satisfying and fulfilling every moment.

I’m certainly not saying I don’t ever feel or think these things anymore; I do, but can begin to watch them and know they aren’t me.

Life continues to bring me that which dissolves my own self-imposed limitations, thereby allowing me to be in my natural state of freedom and love as I am truly only ever bound by my mind and unresolved emotions.

The best way in which I have discovered to resolve them is to watch them, feel them, and let them be ok. I also talk about them with people I genuinely feel safe with, write about them, and surrender them to my higher power. Once I am able to accept them, they cease to have power over me and I am in my natural state of freedom and love once again.

I am beginning to feel secure and confident in who I am in ways I never imagined. I may get jolted from time to time, but I am able to bring myself back to a feeling of being centered.

I am beginning to feel secure in my pain, knowing I am moving into acceptance of what life brings to me and releasing limitations to my heart’s and soul’s intentions.

I am beginning to feel secure in not knowing and uncertainty. Knowing that God, the Universe, my Higher Power has a plan for me and is always taking care of me. If I can sit and be still in the uncertainty and not knowing what is to come, more will be revealed when I am ready.

This has been my mission – which is being revealed to me little by little. One thing I have really suffered with in my life is damaged self-esteem. I have consistently sought approval from outside sources, the people and relationships I’ve been in, about the money I’ve made or haven’t made, and the work I do.

One thing I can be certain about is people are all inconsistent, myself included. I do my best to stay aligned with my truth, but I have conditioning that gets triggered by what life brings me.

Money – I have certainly had a great deal of loss around money in the past 5 years or so, as many people have experienced.

Career – many people identify with their title, or how much money they make, as if their self-esteem is

dependent on it or their worth comes from what they do. It’s easy to think “I should be this or that title by now, …by this age I should be something other than I am, …and so on.”

I have experienced a great deal of loss of my identities in these areas. But what I have found as a result

of this loss is myself. I believe we all know in this day and age that there’s plenty of uncertainty and when we are constantly reacting to external circumstances, we can go insane!

What I have discovered through my losses is a sense of security I can never find from external

circumstances. One thing that I know is consistent is change. How can we ride life’s waves of change and

stay centered? By knowing that God is completely taking care of us.

For me, it is my unwavering spiritual practice. How I know when a painful experience comes up, it is a

blessing and not an inconvenience. I do my best to find gifts in the experience. This reveals more of me by making friends with and accepting my pain. Believe me, it’s not always easy. I have been an expert on distracting myself or avoiding a situation. The more I seem to avoid it, the worse it seems to get. It’s not that God is trying to punish me, it’s just that I’m not paying attention.

Now in life – I have an experience and pain is triggered. What do I do?

I am aware of my experience and what I am feeling. I breathe, I write, I meditate and sit with my feelings and thoughts. I share with those I feel safe with. I participate in supportive communities.

As I sit with the pain, I gradually move into acceptance of what I am feeling.

I become aware of the place in between creation, the void. While I move into acceptance, I am naturally letting go of the old, going through a transformation, and the new begins to come into creation.

This point is critical – I may still be experiencing emotional or even physical pain.

It can feel tremendously unsettling. Energy feels like it’s whirling around me, the energy of the old dissipating and creation happening.

This is the place where I have gotten impatient in the past – I can feel the new, but it’s not yet in physical manifestation. I may have insights; I know it’s coming. “But where is it?!?!”

The old can be so painful, this clinging onto what is known, but I am still moving into acceptance of my feelings and experience.

Again, it is critical to sit through this, be with this time and make friends with my pain.

Then it happens – the most incredible experience, alignment with truth, I no longer need to know what and how Life will happen. I am aware of a peace, contentment and security that are present within me (they are always there, it’s whether I am aware or not). There is no title, no amount of money in the bank, no relationship that will bring me this feeling. This feeling only comes from my connection to God, my Higher Power, my consciousness.

God takes care of me. This seemingly painful experience is beautiful. It has caused me to go deep within my pain and find the light that is already within me.

I am aware that I share my experience again and again, and it may sound the same or similar. This is because it is truly a way of life for me, my practice and way of being. I get it, I forget, I get it again. I remember, my connection grows deeper and deeper. Because this is my way of life, I now know no experience is too painful and with my unwavering knowing, I know God is always taking care of me in every experience.

I know with certainty what to do when the time is right. Until then, I sit with and make friends with the pain. My self-esteem, confidence and sense of security are not dependent on external circumstances. They come from within, from my connection to God, my Higher Power, all that is. I align with Genuine Self-Confidence.

I believed that expressing what I thought and felt threatened my very survival. I’ve been holding onto that message. I’m still unraveling this message through current life experiences. I now see it’s the very thing that keeps me from thriving.

I don’t have memories associated with this, just feelings. It’s not safe to express myself. I’ll be ostracized, ridiculed, embarrassed, and told I am the problem. Keep quiet; it’s the only way to keep the peace. Speaking up is unsafe; I will be threatened. The funny thing is, I realize this message no longer serves, yet every time I express more of me, more of that message is revealed to me. It’s shown up in relationships with bullies and intimidators where I back down from what I truly believed to be my truth. Or, with people I thought were “better” than me. Either they had more experience or “knew” more than me. I discredited my thoughts, feelings, my voice, my truth and most of all, who I am. In conflict, I backed down and not only took responsibility for my part, but also for the part of the other involved.

Or, perhaps I felt a lie and spoke up about it. The other person twisted the story, and I allowed myself to be manipulated into their “story”. Doubting myself again and again is really damaging for my self esteem. But from these experiences, I learned “to shut up and keep quiet, don’t reveal the truth, it’s more important to keep the peace than how I feel.”

Now I know better and am still stepping into uncomfortable and awkward territory for myself. I express myself, even when it’s difficult and doesn’t always come out in the best way. I sit through the discomfort, I watch it, feel it, and talk about it with those I feel safe with, write about it, and eventually move into acceptance of it.

Each time I do that, more of true Maria is revealed and it becomes easier. I trust my feelings more, and it becomes what already is my natural state of expression, that is truly me, before all the programming and conditioning.

Who I am is important. What I say, feel and think matters. I am important and so are you.

It’s not been easy, and often awkward at first to speak my truth, expressing myself, which means being myself when I’ve been told or believed I was wrong, or I was the problem. Every time I sit and breathe through the discomfort, it is well worth it. I am worth it.

I am free – my natural state of being, just being myself – being who I truly am.