I just had lunch, leftover from dinner last night; fresh grilled teriyaki salmon and rice noodles with peanut sauce. It was SO good AND I was actually able to eat my entire lunch. In one sitting. Before it got cold. I don’t think that has happened for at least 6 months.

I will happily take the pelvic pressure if it means my Moose has now dropped enough to take some of the pressure of my stomach.

Why is it when the road is completely clear from snow and ice I get stuck behind someone doing 30MPH in a 50MPH zone but when the roads are icy and terrifying there is inevitably a car (or more often a truck with REALLY bright headlights) stuck behind me that wants to do 70MPH?

Why is it that I can wake up 10 minutes before my alarm goes off, wide awake and unable to sleep but the second I get in my car to go to work, showered, dressed and ready to go, I am fighting to keep my eyes open while I’m driving?

Why is it the idea of McDonalds for dinner is only appealing when I don’t have any money to spend on it?

Why is it Princess Punk asksbegs EVERY SINGLE DAY to spend the night at Mima’s house until I actually need her to spend the night over there because I have to go to work early in the morning? And then she pouts because I don’t spend enough time with her…

Why is it the Beast (Princess Punk’s evil evil cat) only has to take a crap when I’m eating my dinner or trying to sleep in the living room at 3am?

It’s not just for steak anymore… Oh ew.

Why is it I can always remember that we are out of something non-essential like, for example, steak sauce yet I forget we have a half a roll of toilet paper left in the whole house?

Why is it that I get up with the urgent need to pee, go sit on the toilet then have to wait ten minutes before anything happens?

For that matter, why is it that I have WAY more trouble getting up off the couch when I really have to go as opposed to just getting up for some other reason?

Do Nothing. CHECK!

Why is it that I can spend the entire 30-40 minute drive to and from work making lists of important things to do, grocery shopping and composing witty blog posts in my head… That I instantly forget once I have the means to actually record them?

Why is it I feel the incessant need to make lists although I rarely accomplish anything on them?

Why is it that I get ads for Viagra and Cialis in my email? What website did I visit that caused that to happen?

Why is it that I feel the need to be right so much that I will argue things to the point of tears? Seriously? Is it really that important if it was Keith Carridine or David Carridine in Kung Fu?

Just pondering I guess… My brain seems to shut off in the afternoon so I figured this might spark things up again. Thank goodness I start a reduced schedule next week!

I had a long weekend off work, had some really great food and got some nice presents.

Because of the epic car problem saga, now on it’s 3rd month running, I ended up staying at my parents’ house for most of the weekend so the Zen Master could use the truck to get to work. This had perks and drawbacks… Perks included a warm house since my parents heat with a wood boiler and don’t have to keep their thermostat in the mid-sixties to save energy. It was a great place for Fairy Dog to run around, my folks are far enough back from the road that I can let him outside without a leash without having to worry about him getting hit by a car… again. Drawbacks… I had to sleep on the couch which I realize I do at home at the moment but my couch is soft and squishy and comfy and their couch is itchy and hard. Spending extra time with my parents… ~sigh~ This is a good and bad thing guess. By the end of the weekend I was extremely happy to go home. My mom is… great to hang out with 90% of the time but she can be incredibly moody and passively aggressively snipey which drives me nuts. She also tends to relate everything to being bipolar which has a tendency to irritate the crap out of me since that is not a reason or an excuse for her personality, behavior or mood. Obviously it has something to do with it but it is not the end all be all and she puts so much weight on it and all she talks about is how her medications are effecting her, how she can’t be expected to be dependable because she’s bipolar and it kinda pisses me off. It’s not like I don’t struggle with this illness as well, I get what she’s going through but there is more to life than that.

My dad? He’s a whole other story. I honestly don’t even want to talk about Christmas dinner except to say that I busted my ass ALL DAY LONG making it and it was really good but because I snapped at him before dinner he basically didn’t speak to me all night. Even though I apologized. Because HE never gets cranky when he’s hungry… Psssht. One of my major issues is I have always desperately sought approval from my dad and he very rarely gives it out. He said one thing about dinner, that the brussels sprouts were good. The brussels sprouts that took me 5 minutes to toss in a pan and throw in the oven. The goose? nothing except it looked undercooked (I checked the internal temperature in 4 different spots, it wasn’t). The risotto that I spent a half hour stirring on the stove? Nada. The Zen Master had 4 helpings and my mom said it was the best thing I made all day. No he just ate grumpily then left the table without even excusing himself and went back downstairs to his man cave to hide from everyone. Awesome. And because the one thing I seem to need more than anything else in the world is some kind of positive reinforcement from my father, that complete silence during dinner managed to completely kill the entire day for me. Fan-tas-tic.

Princess Punk was rather subdued. Given our extreme lack of funds this year she didn’t get a whole lot of stuff and to make things worse, the present Zen Master got her got its shipping info messed up so we won’t be getting it until Wednesday and the gift i got her (a kinda funky looking reading chair for her room) was broken upon delivery. So she ended up with a hat and some sewing supplies from my mom and a notebook from her godparents. Add to the fact that I made her help me in the kitchen all weekend and I think Princess Punk was feeling pretty cheated. Especially since everybody gave me and Zen Master a lot of stuff for the baby. She spent most of the weekend in her room at my mom’s house reading. She didn’t even want to come hang out and watch TV with me, something she usually jumps at.

And my poor sweet husband. Christmas Eve, he got a flat tire on his way home from work in his dad’s car. Went home to take the truck but since it was 4 degrees outside and the truck has no heat, he couldn’t get the windshield defrosted enough to actually drive it. My dad had to go pick him up so he wouldn’t miss dinner. Dad drove him home after dinner so he could get some kind of sleep before work and he had to take an extension cord outside to put an electric heater in the truck so he would be able to get out in the morning. Christmas day, he came over, ate, opened presents and then went and lay down for a few hours. He stayed for a bit after dinner and as a result didn’t get home until 10:30 or so. Got off work Monday and came to pick me up, we watched a pay-per-view movie at my mom’s house with the plan to get home by about 2pm. But then his mom came over and visited with my parents for a few hours. The plan was to pick up his dad’s car from the mechanic on the way home but we didn’t leave my parents’ house until after 4 and they were closed by then. We got home, just he and I since Princess Punk had opted to stay at my mom’s and given the vehicle situation this seemed like the best idea. The house was a mess since he’d pretty much been at work or at my parents’ house and the walk wasn’t shoveled to i got a ton of snow in my shoes, Yay. We had been home for about 5 minutes when his mom came by to give him HIS presents. He was SO tired at this point he asked her if we could do it another day but his mom (being slightly clueless that what her son needed more than anything was SLEEP), insisted on staying. So he opened his presents and said thank you and she finally went home.

And then he sat there on the couch in utter silence for a minute or two and then… He started to cry. The Zen Master very rarely cries. He’s not one of those guys that thinks he’s too manly to cry or any of that BS, he just generally has excellent control over his emotions. I didn’t know what to do. I went over and hugged him and held him and kissed him. I think the whole crappiness of the weekend, the fact that he had no presents for anyone, the vehicle drama and the fact that he was only halfway through a 13-day stretch at work without a day off had just kinda been building up. And then his mom came and he was upset because he had been too tired to be happy about the presents gave him and he knew that was what she had wanted. So my lovely Zen Master was crying because he couldn’t be happy enough to make his mom happy.

I hate it when people I care about are in pain. I feel so completely helpless and all I wanted to do was make him feel better and I just couldn’t. And The Princess was feeling shitty when I left her and I couldn’t do anything about her mood either. I felt like I tried to get the family together this weekend to have a nice Christmas, even though we’re broke and we have so much going on but I utterly failed.

I have to say, I LOVE to cook. I enjoy planning a special menu, cooking a great meal and sharing it with friends and family. I’m pretty good at improvising recipes and I’ll attempt to cook almost anything. ‘m not great at baking since that generally requires more precise measuring than I am prepared to do but I can do it if my planned menu calls for it.

So here’s the plan for Saturday and Sunday… I lucked out this year because the Zen Master is off dinner duty at the restaurant so the only meal he’ll miss is Christmas Brunch.

Saturday December 24th- Fairly basic meal, my family traditionally does seafood Christmas Eve and since I discovered a few Christmas Eve’s ago that I am allergic to lobster and shrimp, this seemed like a good choice;

Seafood Lasagne with scallops and crabmeat- I made this one up myself, fairly simple and super tasty.

Green Salad with fresh mozzarella, artichoke hearts and tomatoes

Garlic Bread

Sunday December 25th, Brunch- This one will be easy since it requires little cooking on my part since I’m pretty much going to need my energy for the rest of the day. Sadly The Zen Master will miss out on this one with the family but there will assuredly be loeftovers when he gets back;

Leek pie- My mom’s specialty, she’ll be making this one

Potato Latkes with sour cream

Smoked Salmon

Fruit Salad

Sunday December 25th, Throughout the day- Since there will be a large stretch between brunch and dinner and both Princess Punk and myself generally need to eat every two hours, instead of an actual lunch, I’ll just have some stuff to nosh on throughout the day.

Spinach and Mushroom Soup-I actually got this recipe from a mystery book by Diane Mott Davidson. It’s awesome, easy and a great way to get some extra veggies into Princess Punk.

Cheese Tray- My mom is putting together a tray of local artisan cheeses with some Pate’ and various olives.

Spinach and Artichoke Dip- adapted from a recipe from Alton Brown of Food Network fame.

Sunday December 25th, Dinner and Dessert-Due to my “condition” I tried to choose things that required a bit less labor and time on my feet. The Risotto is going to be a pain in the arse but I do have Zen Master and Princess Punk to help with the constant stirring.

Mushroom Risotto- A bit labor intensive but completely worth it. Not sure where I adapted the original recipe from.

Green Bean Casserole- Okay, I know what you’re thinking, cream of mushroom soup and fried onions… Not a chance. I’m using fresh green beans in a homemade sauce and I am probably going to top it with almonds but I’m not sure yet.

Roasted Brussels Sprouts- Honestly I have no idea if I spelled that right and I’m too damn lazy to look it up. I’m probably going to sautee them quickly with some bacon and onion and then bake them until they’re done.

Roasted Goose with Apple-Rum Stuffing- Never cooked a goose before but it was one of the few choices at the grocery store for meat that wasn’t ridiculously expensive. We’ll see how it turns out. I got the recipe from Food.com.

Gingerbread- Not the cookie, the cake kind. Again, soooooo not a baker so I’m praying this comes out ok but it should be good and it’s guaranteed to make the house smell AWESOME.

So here’s hoping I can actually cook all that. My mom has offered to help as much as she can but given my history of stubborness and being a total control freak, I’m more likely to do all of it myself then end up crying on the couch because my back hurts so bad. Oh well… It’s usually worth a bit of pain when we all sit down together as a family to some good conversation over a well-cooked meal.

I swear if one more person looks at me and says, “You’re still here?” as I slowly waddle down the hall I am going to go Jack Bauer on their ass.

I’m not actually DUE for another month people.

I am wavering between having absolutely no motivation to work at all and a huge amount of impending guilt at leaving others to cover my stuff while I’m gone.

I saw my OB on Monday. I love her, she is totally awesome but the last thing I really wanted to hear was “Well, anytime between now and a month from now.” Because that narrows it down.

My calves and ankles are so swollen they are actually bruising. Yay.

I’ve been sleeping on the couch for the past month and apparently my living room is drier than my bedroom because I now have a nosebleed every morning.

The Moose has dropped. Meaning I am now able to eat like a normal person. Actually, strike that. I am able to eat like a starving zombie in the middle of an apocalypse (minus the brains and cannibalism I suppose). This also means that my digestive problems are now increased and I have to pee CONSTANTLY and my left hip will occasionally pop out of the socket when I get in the car.

I am going grocery shopping with my mom after work today for Christmas eve dinner/day brunch/day dinner. I am excited because I made up a KICKASS menu (which I will post tomorrow) but not exactly looking forward to waddling through a grocery store for an hour or so. My gracious mother has promised me use of their jacuzzi tub when we’re done though so that’ll make up for most some of it. I added bath salts to the grocery list.

I’m extremely grumpy, The Zen Master is still morose, Princess Punk is too excited for my energy level to deal with and my dad is being a jerk.

Oh, and Merry Christmas, my car needs 2 THOUSAND dollars worth of repairs (cracked head gasket, engine leak and a messed up wheel bearing). After we just spent $600 on snow tires. And since my car is technically the “better” of the two vehicles, we absolutely MUST get it fixed because Zen Master’s rusty bucket Ford Explorer cannot be trusted to drive me the hour and 15 minutes to the hospital when I go into labor. I’d rather not give birth at a highway rest stop if you don’t mind.

The Zen Master is depressed. Or sad. Or morose. Or blue. Something. For the past few weeks I’ve noticed it getting progressively worse. Christmas time is usually a grumpy time for the Zen Master on general principles, he is usually just coming off slow season at work and has no money to buy gifts for anyone. Since he is such a kind generous person, this usually makes him feel pretty shitty. Add to that this year the impending birth of the Moose and I think the gravity of being a responsible adult is hitting him pretty damn hard.

When we met, The Zen Master lived in a small apartment with his friend. His house looked like a bachelor pad and he lived off baloney and hot dogs. He was frugal with money but not a penny pincher. Generally his monetary splurges were limited to video games, computer stuff, movies and take out. He didn’t drive when I met him, he lived in town and walked everywhere he needed to go. He didn’t even have a license. No kids, no debt, minimal bills, minimal responsibilities.

When he married me, I came with a big ol’ can of Instant Adult. Fortified with kid, mortgage, car, bills and a little bit of debt.

So basically, in just a few short years he;

Became a father to a pre-teen diabetic

Got a driver licence and a nice beater truck that guzzles gas and requires a ridiculous amount of upkeep

Got a house that is rapidly falling apart piece by piece (literally, the damn door fell off the other day)

Discovered that his wife and daughter cannot live on baloney and hot dogs

Discovered that most houses usually keep paper towels AND toilet paper

Decided that after working at the same place for almost 20 years, he actually needed a job that paid him a living wage

That’s a hell of a lot of change for someone who drags his feet about changing his sweater. And he still kept his cool, remained my Moment of Zen and adjusted to a lot of change in a fairly short amount of time.

Then I got pregnant.

This was not a surprise or anything, we had planned and tried and yada yada. Still, I think the reality of having a new baby has really started to hit him hard lately. All of that responsibility combined with a few major financial hiccups and the Zen Master has a constant dazed, frowny look on his face. He is worried about money, he is worried about the house being ready, he is worried about me. And he’s not HAPPY. And I need him to be happy. I need him to be as excited about the Moose as I am, to be happy that we are bringing a new life into the world and we will meet her very soon. But he isn’t. Or if he is, the happy is buried under The Grinch who has taken over my beautiful husband and will not let him go. He spends most of his time sporadically cleaning, obsessing over bills and financial papers and holed up in the bedroom playing video games and tuning out the world.

I recognize this behavior.

He is becoming my father. This is especially worrisome since one of the reasons I fell so hard for this man is because he is so NOT my dad. My dad is a great guy but all the time I have been alive, he has been incredibly overburdened with responsibility. He is frequently grumpy, annoyed and angry, he isolates himself from his family, he works 70 hours a week and he takes piss-poor care of his own health. I see The Zen Master pointed in this direction and it scares me.

I told The Zen Master last night that I was going to start slipping Zoloft into his dinner. I was only half-joking. Luckily (sometimes) I am a “talk it out” kinda girl and I made sure he is aware of my concerns. The Zen Master is very much aware of my “Daddy Issues” and the fact that I told him he was starting to remind me of my dad bothered him. We’ll see. Who knows, he may fall in love with the Moose so much that he will stop worrying alltogether and just enjoy the joy of having a baby… Here’s hoping.

So F*** Off Mr. Grinch or I will send Cindy-Lou Who to beat your green ass.

Interesting fact about the Duodenal Switch (the weight loss surgery I underwent a few years back)- The reason why is works so well for implementing and maintaining massive weight loss is the fact that the part of my small intestine that actually digests and absorbs food is a small percentage of a normal person’s. This results in me only absorbing a small fraction of the calories (and nutrients) that I actually consume. This also results in food getting farther in my digestive system with less actual digestion which makes all those little bacterias (bacteriai???) in my gut VERY happy. Which results in gas. A LOT of gas. Now, normally I can control the amount of gas I have by what I eat. Less white flour, less gluten, less super high fiber foods and generally I’m not too bad off. BUT…

Interesting fact about pregnancy- higher levels of progesterone relax smooth muscle tissue (like the muscles in your gut) and slow down digestion. Add to this a tendency to eat different things and your body’s different reaction to them as well as the growing pressure of a small person on all your organs and pregnant women tend to get much gassier than your average person.

Soooo… Given the fact that I had Mexican food for lunch yesterday and ate far too much bread in the last 12 hours including a hamburger with bun and 2 BLTs, one at midnight last night and one at 6am this morning (What? I’m PREGNANT) I have been sitting in my office all day with the door closed sounding like a Wookie is trying to escape my ass.

~sigh~

I go home in less than an hour. Thank god The Zen Master puts up with my gas with good humor… I swear that was one of the reasons I married him. He will do anything from laughing outright to raising an eyebrow and complimenting me on the wide range of sounds that can eminate from my rear end. I definitely prefer that to my father who will spray Febreeze at my mom’s ass when she lets one go (she had the same surgery as I did a year later) and making a sour face. My dad only ever farts in his sleep… Zen Master will occasionally try to outdo me although he tends to fail miserably. I do have the advantage in that department. I think he even bragged to one of his friends that he was impressed that he married a woman who’s farts are worse than his… I do love that man…

Hmm… Re-reading through this I suspect this was a bit of an overshare. Oh well… At least you don’t have to smell it.