Tuesday, 10 May 2011

London Diary 45

It is funny, how people come into your life. One minute you are bouncing along, worrying about your own fears, hopes and dreams. The next, you start worrying for two. And the change is subtle, not instantaneous. At first, the lust of the situation carries you forward, propels you on a giddy high. But then it calms itself down and suddenly, in the cold and dark of night, you are awake thinking of the person next to you. Of her, what she hopes and dreams for. What she fears. And you share those emotions too, even though they remain unsaid, and explicitly uncommunicated.

It is cold. Surprisingly so. I didn't expect this, but the weather has changed over the past three days. The nights have suddenly become sharper, there is a definite chill in the air. And I don't like it. You see, summer brings the optimism with it on its wings. But a plunging of the temperatures, reminds me of winter, and the reality that is my life. Unknown to the rest of the world, destined to be poor and insignificant. Unable to realise anything beyond a drink on a Friday or a smoke on a Sunday. The point of it, what is that point. We get up, we work, we take shit and find ourselves running just to keep ourselves in the same position. Any hope of improvement is gone.

I look at her and think. Will we be happy together. Not now, of course we are both happy right now. We are in bed, sharing one another, emotionally, physically, sensually. But once we get up, and see the clouds light up as morning progresses. Is there any hope and future for both of us. This feeling, this emotion, this love that I feel and that she feels. Can it survive the mists of day, or will it fade, like the so many parts of my life that have already faded. Drifting away from me, slowly but irretrievably along the river that is time...