Big Mama Chang’s 2014 Forecast (Through Album Covers)

Recovering from the fattening festivities of the holiday season and looking into my thousand-year old preserved duck’s egg of a crystal ball, I wonder who’s (again) replaced all of my pants with ones that are two sizes smaller – I come to you with disturbingnews about the year ahead. I’m not talking about Elvis being found, disguised as a vat of *light* butter at the Blue Bonnet factory. I’m talking about apocalyptic, bowel-loosening events that will forever affect Mid-East-Far-East-Midwest and Upper-Appalachian-Valley relations. And – most shockingly– these events were all foretold decades ago on the covers of what we had thought were bizarre and terrible music albums that never should have seen the light of day!

Happy Louie, Julcia & the Boys.

The Murk Family

As foretold by Happy Louie’s “Love and Peace” and the Murk Family’s “Love for all the Seasons” – 2014 will begin with all the hope for love and peace in the world. This will change later in 2014, just as it did for the Murks, when the horse, Aunt Jemima, mistook the floral dresses for endless pastures of flowers and started dining on two of four Murk sisters. Fortunately, Happy Louie – who always hitched his pants way up past his nipples, as that’s what kept him happy all day long – was on an adjoining sound stage practicing for the anti-war concert, “No Stars, Just Stripes”, when he heard the commotion and sprang to action. While Happy Louie was able to save everyone, his pants had to be surgically removed from his torso in an unprecedented 12-hour operation, which also enhanced his ability to yodel two octaves higher than a Vienna choirboy.

***SPOILER ALERT!!! SPOILER ALERT***

Right before Valentine’s Day, disgraced politician, Anthony Weiner (aka. Slim Goodbody), hopes to reinvent himself with the launch of his CD – “The Inside Story” – a collection of light-hearted learnings about the lesser known parts of his anatomy set to music from Leonard Bernstein’s “The West Side Story”. Those who hope to catch a glimpse of the most famous part of his body will be rewarded with the SPECIAL BONUS! feature, which includes a full-color poster and time line lyric sheet of his sexploits political achievements. A chastened Weiner will also warble for forgiveness in a gut-wrenching acapella remake of “Officer Krupke” (“Officer, Cuff Me”). Critics will scoff at the song’s suggestive title and the gyrations of guest artists Traci Lords and Jenna Jameson dressed as police officers, but it’s Weiner who will have the last laugh when his album goes triple platinum and he legally changes his name to Pimp Masta W. Rod.

The deportation of illegal Hispanic immigrants will continue to be a hot button for people on both sides of the U.S. political fence in 2014. In a conciliatory move, right-wing politicians will give each deported alien a FREE junior-sized backpack filled with potable drinking water and a chance to be deported to any Mexican beach of his/her choice. At a widely-televised news conference, a leading ultra-conservative politician will promise that, “Any illegal Tom, Dick, Harry, Fernando or Francisco can take advantage of this once-in-a-lifetime offer. You pay thousands of dollars for the privilege of going to Puerto Vallarta or Mazatlan for a week. Hell, we’re offering a one-way, forever ticket to paradise for FREE! You’d be an idiot NOT to take us up on the offer!”

The backpacks will also be major step in furthering U.S.-China relations, as the Chinese will offer all 3 tonnes of these junior-sized backpacks to the United States for FREE. They will be manufactured as an angry response to President Obama’s constant tsk-tsking of China’s Yuan policy and his bold State of the Union address likening the leader of China to Lord Voldemort. In China the catch phrase, Obama pulls aHarry Potter, will be synonymous with America’s insistence on criticizing China’s actions and repeatedly meddling in its foreign policy.

Unfortunately, 2.99 out of the 3 tonnes of backpacks will give its wearers hives and fall apart even before a deported alien reaches Mexico. The backpacks will be burned as an alternative to cheap fuel in Mexico, and the country will experience the worst pollution in the world for the next 55 years, with generations growing up and not knowing what the sun looks like, while believing that President Obama is a cartoon character with blue hair.

Cozy up with the Colonel and the all new “Tijuana Picnic Pack”.

With the legalization of marijuana in parts of the United States, KFC will add pot as its twelfth ingredient to its famous eleven herbs and spices fried chicken recipe. The Tijuana Picnic Pack will feature a bucket filled with ten pieces of chicken, two sides of your choice, a CD featuring Bob Marley’s Greatest Hits, a half-eaten bag of potato chips, and over a dozen assorted candy bars. Also included will be coupons from supporting local businesses, such as Bubba’s Big Bong World and Hosiery Emporium. KFC’s motto will also be changed to It’s finger lickin’, mind-blowin’ good!

Despite massive cutbacks in space exploration funding, a top NASA researcher by the name of Les Baxter will discover alien life in the form of barely-dressed, brightly-colored women with bedsprings on their heads. These alien women, normally suspicious of non-natives, become very friendly after drinking goblet fulls of a strange concoction, not unlike our Earthling version of anti-freeze laced with food coloring. Unfortunately for Les, who’s unable to contain his excitement even through ten layers of his spacesuit purchased in a two-for-one sale on parachutes on Amazon.com, removing his spacesuit and fishbowl helmet are not options, as he would be subjected to a deadly combination of nitrogen, estrogen, Chanel NO. 5 and die within 30 seconds. To make matters worse, the alien ladies are nasty drunks and will make fun of his tiny rocket – a result of NASA’s decreased funding – which brought Les and his crew to the alien women’s planet. Although the team will return to Earth empty-handed, the trip will be hailed a success, as it’s discovered that pigs really can fly when they’re placed in a parachute pig spacesuit and fishbowl helmet and are ejected into deep space. However, further funding from the current administration will be needed to determine whether the pigs can also perform somersaults and eat crackers during flight.

Big Mama Chang’s Ultimate 2014 Prediction:

Somewhere in this world, pictures of a beefy, naked, super hairy politician in a bubble bath drinking copious amounts of booze and holding a mechanical toy by his crotch will be leaked to the public. The politician will attempt to explain away his compromising pictures by saying that he was simply re-creating Carlos’ album of the same name.

Here are the results of the latest NASA research, Charles — Bedsprings are not a wise addition to our heads, especially when we try to tie up our hair into a ponytail, or stick our heads into microwaves.

Interesting Story…. Colonel Harland Sanders of KFC fame (and apparently music????) spent the last 15 years of his life in Mississauga, Ontario (which is where I’m from), and donated a wack load of money to the hospital and got the maternity wing named after him, which is where my son was born. Who could make that up?

Thanks, Jim. I’d think that being Les would be a frustrating experience – hot, bulky clothing, hotter women, but no contact. Besides, you wouldn’t want to be made fun of for having a small rocket, like Les, would you?

Just wait til you see the VIDEOS from Weiner’s album. Apparently he dance-fights with Eliot Spitzer in an epic recreation of the Jets versus the Sharks, except instead of switchblades they go at each other with “marital aids.”

I’d first heard the song “Officer Krupke” on the radio as a child and would sing parts of it around the house and in front of my friends, using my own words. It wasn’t till much later, after I’d lost all my childhood friends, that I knew the song was from the musical.

Wendie, I think you should re-write “West Side Story” to reflect Weiner’s rise and fall in politics.

Oh, Susan, I think we have the makings of a very fruitful collaboration here. The possibilities are endless. Of course, we’d have to temporarily suspend my firm No Musicals policy. Even so, I doubt I could sit through West Side Story, unless of course I could fast-forward through the singing.

Still, the thought of Anthony Weiner singing I Feel Pretty into a cell phone while standing naked in front of a mirror is almost too tempting to resist.

OMG – what were some of the record producers thinking to approve those covers?
Millie Jackson – what the F? you can’t be serious… Of course to the new new new generation album covers are ancient history, you don’t see them on Spotify or iTunes do you?

All I can say is that after seeing the album covers, I have no desire to find out what the music sounds like. Actually, after first seeing Millie on this album cover, I wasn’t even sure if she was human:

Sorry about the trauma the pictures have brought forth. I should add a disclaimer to the beginning of this post that this blog isn’t responsible for the reader’s mental anguish, vision problems…thanks for reading!

COPYRIGHT

If anyone is sick enough to want to regurgitate any part of this blog and call it his or her own, please (kindly) note that all the stuff on here, unless otherwise noted, belong to Lostnchina, aka Boozy Suzy, Suppository Sue, Big Mamma Chang, or Chop Suey on the weekends.