Wednesday, November 29, 2017

Kamehameha Pai'ea went to Hilo and overturned the massive, seemingly immovable Naha stone as a fulfillment of a prophecy on his huaka'i, or Journey, to unite all of the Hawaiian Islands.The 7000lb monolithic pōhaku from sacred Wailuanuiaho'ano on Kaua'i. Pai'ea overturned the stone. Many of us today carry our own "Naha" stones on our backs. The Divine and Sacred conditions of our own struggles on this Journey, not to unite the Hawaiian Islands as Pai'ea sought, but to understand and Unite our own Body (Kino) and Soul (Wailua). So many vices, bad habits, addictions and other challenges can seemingly crush us like a 7000lb stone. Crush us not only physically, but mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.

Some of us are able to huli that pōhaku, to flip that stone off of us, only to have it roll back over us again as we slip back into old habits, old thoughts, old modes of dealing with stress and Life. We continue to hurt ourselves and worse, others. Even Pai'ea knew, and his observers, that he didn't huli that pōhaku by mere muscle strength alone. It took powerful Spiritual Strength. The assistance of his God and gods. His ancestors. Many unseen but powerfully felt entities. Everyone knew that a man who could summon such Powerful and Divine assistance from the Other Side, was unstoppable.

There is no shame in asking for help. For assistance. In trying to huli these massive stones off of our backs. Once and for all. For Good. Muscles are no good for Spiritual Battles. Endurance, yes. Brute force and strength, no. Through genuine humility and gratitude, you can cultivate a Powerful and Enduring Love that will provide all the Divine Assistance you will ever need to fulfill your own Personal Destiny. Simply because They Genuinely and Truly, Believe In, and Love you. As Do I...

Tonight I was Reflecting again. Digging as deep as I have ever tried to. Reconciling. Trying to Heal. Remembering what it was like to be 19 again. So out of touch. Surrounded by rebellion. Insecurity. Dark Forces. So lost within. So lost, that when your best friend asks you at a party, what would a .22 caliber bullet do to your brain. Would it come out the other side. Would it bounce around inside your skull and kill you. That you didn't give it a second thought that he might be contemplating suicide. That the every day lamentations of being losers blunted any recognition that all was not well. That the obvious signs were so easily ignored.

Then on top of that, you go out shooting a few days later with a stolen rifle. Shooting road signs hanging out of a speeding car window along a desolated beach coastline. That no further warning signs emerge to a self-absorbed clouded brain. Of macabre inquiries. Of Depression. Of access to a weapon. Until a few days after that, you see on the news, a body being carried on a stretcher from one of our hangouts. Only to find out the next morning, it was your best friend who shot himself in the head with that stolen rifle. Not too much to reconcile here. Except everything...

This is the look of a Tiger that wanted to kill and eat me. I have no doubt. At the Panaewa Zoo, I approached the big cat enclosure. The White Tiger was sleeping. The Orange Tiger was pacing back and forth along the fence. Despite signs that said not to tease the tigers or walk back and forth, some families were standing right by the pacing cat while their little toddlers ran back and forth, screaming and laughing, while racing the cat. I'm sure it didn't put him in a very good mood. Aside from that, it was around lunchtime and I saw some other animals being fed a meal. I took some photos and then decided that the growing crowd was getting to big so I departed up the hill along the enclosure.

I stopped to see a beautiful blossom on a nearby tree. I opened my camera bag to switch lenses. As I was digging around in my little black backpack, I felt eyes upon me. I turned only to see that the Orange Tiger had also walked up the hill and was intently staring at me through the fence watching my every move. I switched lenses and took my photo. When I looked back, he hadn't moved an inch. Just staring intently. It really was unsettling. I then realized that he probably thought I had food in the bag. I figured his handlers probably brought a similar bag and opened it up to feed him chicken or beef or some type of meat.

I nervously looked at him and said, "I'm sorry. I don't have any food for you. I know you are probably hungry." With that, he took off further up the hill to the area where you can enter the enclosure through double locked gates. He went to the gate and then turned back towards me plaintively saying with his eyes, face and body, "I am ready to eat. Here I am at the gate. Get up here. Now."

I had made it even worse talking to him about food and being hungry. He wholly expected me to come up and feed him. I sheepishly avoided looking at him and started taking photos again of the plants. I then saw him come back down along the fence. I started taking some more photos through the fence. Right after I shot this photo, he roared ferociously and jumped up attacking the fence right where I was. It startled and scared me. Little children down below screamed and suddenly all eyes were on me. Some European visitors stared at me, like, "What did you do to that Tiger?"

I was a little embarrassed to say the least. I was thinking other people were thinking, "Why does that Tiger hate that man?"

I took this photo, seconds before he tried to claw my face off, bite my throat and drag me down the hill to share his kill with Mr. White Tiger. Mean Respect. Mean Respect...

Monday, November 27, 2017

Tonight I was Reflecting again. In 2012, when I came out of my coma, I thought I might have a few weeks to live. My organs were in bad shape and the liquid infection in my abdominal cavity wasn't responding to anti-biotics. The worse part, my pancreas was damaged and the team of doctors eventually had to open me up. One relatively young doctor on my team was in no small way letting me know that surviving without a pancreas was not really an option.

He came in one morning and was checking on my drains. We made small conversation as he talked about all kinds of things. My sister Nalani quietly watched from her chair-sleeper bed. Then the doctor told me, "You will be alright. We just had a guy in here with pancreatitis in way worse condition than you. Oh no...sorry. Wait. He didn't make it." It kind of went over my head in my morphine induced state. After he left however, my sister, Nalani was furious. She said he should have never told me that and wanted to report him. I asked her not to report it and to let it go. I didn't want trouble, especially since he was going to be one of the surgeons helping my main surgeon. I needed all of the positive energy I could muster at that time.

This, of course, led me to thinking that I wasn't going to make it out of the hospital this time. I resigned myself to the possibility that my end was very near. Ready or not. It was a very sickening feeling, deep in the center of my Being, that I had squandered my health away and it might have been irreversible at that point. Too late for anything. All the tomorrows and plans in the coming years evaporated in a stark painful reality.

In thinking about my Life and what it meant in the End, there were some salient reminders that I look back upon with great reverence, humility and gratitude.

Having a fat resume filled with experiences, honors, awards, employment and a detailed accounting of my professional Life really meant nothing at that point. Seeing my family, especially my two young boys as much as I could, in the condition I was in, meant everything.

Recalling all the time I spent away from my family, from my two boys as they were growing up, because I gave so much of myself to my work in the past twenty years only brought regrets. I thought I was helping to save Hawai'i, to save the World. Days and nights at work, leaving me too exhausted to do all the things that I wanted to do with my sons. The mental and emotional stress was unrelenting. I soothed my slow decay with food and plate lunches, and the camaraderie of common suffering with my colleagues. We all suffered health wise, and here was the price I was paying now, possibly with my Life.

The time I spent with Nalani during those five months was the most important and meaningful time we ever spent in our Lives.

It never was remembering the big events. The accolades. Recognitions. Speaking engagements. Meetings with movers and shakers of government and industry. It was the small interactions between family, loved ones, friends, co-workers, and even strangers, that meant the most in recollecting them. I didn't recall the fun and happy times. Money, material possessions, pride, ego, all worthless. It was the struggling, the sadness, the shared suffering, the shared Love, the shared Tears, that seemed to be the most powerful and meaningful at the Life's End. With these, of course, come opportunities for Growth, Love, Forgiveness and Powerful Lessons.

Somehow, the binding of two Souls together, even in a brief fleeting encounter, a once in a Lifetime experience, connecting two people, two Souls, in an Endless Universe. Those connections, those bindings, brought the most comfort in recollection when you sorrowfully come to grips with your own Mortality and imminent Departure from this Incredibly Beautiful World.

Trying to get every Glimpse of a Kind and Loving Face burned into your Memory. Especially those bonded in Love. Just to be able to recognize them again in the Endless Boundless Eternal Universe when your Souls cross paths again. It truly is the Small Things in Life that mean the most. Smile. Love. Hug. Encourage. Empathize. Be Compassionate. These are the things that Truly Matter at the End of this Life...

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About Me

This Blog is ultimately for my boys. Lessons I've learned which I would like to share with them, but never seem to find the time. It reaffirms my beliefs and helps me sort out my own cluttered thoughts as I try to make sense of my life. Guided by Ke Akua (God) and my kupuna (ancestors), my Hawaiian identity provides me the framework. It is inspired by many people and loved ones in my life as I increasingly let my spirit interact with the spirits of others. Some I've known my whole life. Some I've met only recently. Some whom I will meet someday. Everyone is so truly beautiful. Life is incredibly beautiful. Love is definitely where it is at...