9 Helpful Hints in Dealing with a Maniac

December 20, 2010

There’s nothing more fun than sitting down to watch a scary movie.As if life sometimes isn’t scary enough, I’ve discovered that people seem to enjoy getting the bejesus scared out them. In watching over the years, I have learned a few things which I thought I’d pass along to others in the event you ever find yourself an unwilling participant.

No. 1: If it’s a dark and stormy night, better you should just stay inside the house and not run down to the store for that popcorn you forgot to buy. As soon as that lightening flashes up the sky, you’re going to spot some maniac with an axe poised over your head.

No. 2: If the phone rings and someone is breathing heavy but not talking, hang up and don’t answer the phone again. In fact, just take that thing off the hook.

No. 3: If you hear strange noises in the basement or attic, whatever you do, don’t open the door to check it out. Instead put something in front of the door. I’ve seen more people walk up or down those dark stairs just to be hacked up. And for the life of me, I can’t understand why anyone would put the light switch at the bottom of the basement steps.

No. 4: If you have reason to believe there’s a maniac outside your house, don’t open the door, and for Pete’s sake, don’t go running into the woods. Maniacs wielding weapons always seem to find their way through the briars better than the person who lives there.

No. 5: But if you panic and decide to run into the woods, keep quiet. Running through the woods screaming is the best way for the maniac to locate you. You don’t hear him hollering, do you?

No. 6: Don’t wear high heels into the woods. I can’t imagine why any female would wear heels on a picnic or an outing in the wilderness, but there always seems to be one. It’s bad enough that she’s always going to fall down, but with those heels on, it’s a pretty sure thing she’ll soon be dog meat.

No. 7: In the event that you come face-to-face with a maniac with a blade and you happen to have a gun on you, shoot until you’re out of bullets. You don’t want him reaching out and grabbing you by the leg when you least expect it.

No. 8: If you hear music in the background and there’s no music machine on, then watch out. This is especially true if you’re in the water. For some reason, sharks carry their own soundtrack.

No. 9: And whatever you do, never go near a place called Crystal Lake, wherever that is. Apparently, there’s a Jason character around there that has an over abundance of cutlery.