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Author
Topic: My bf turned out HIV+ (Read 6041 times)

I am new to the forum, although I have been reading your posts for the last past days. 12 days ago my boyfriend was diagnosed as positive. These last days have been a rollercoaster of emotions and feelings, some positive and other negative (most of you already know the shock of being diagnosed). I took a test as soon as we got his results and it turned out I am negative. I have to repeat the test again in 2 months to make sure I am not infected (we had unprotected sex 3 weeks prior to getting his results-- I know, it was stupid to do that, but the fact that he's positive has really come as a surprise, and I guess we never thought one of us could be HIV+; I could also give you a hundred excuses of why I did that, but it's too complex to explain right now). I have a mix of feelings towards his new status. I don't have any doubt about my relationship with him (we have been together for 13 years, living together 4), and mostly I am scared of how this is going to change our plans for the future. I know current drugs offer a good quality of life (after the initial shock I read all the info about the disease available-- I also found quite shocking the fact that most HIV- people--including myself--have really no clue about the infection, how it works and what treatments are available; most of what I knew were sterotypes from the 80s and early 90s), but I can't avoid this feeling of fear and doom. I don't know how to explain it. Probably all those images of people dying of AIDS when I was a kid (I was born in 1981) and that in my country it was mostly associated to drug-addicts that looked like zombies (I am Spanish) and perverted gay guys (it turned out later that I was one of those) inserted this images and fears in my mind. I know that most people must have similar feelings of trying to find out 'why me', but I can't really understand why my boyfriend and it makes me really sad. He's the most sensitive, caring and kind guy that I have ever met. I have been working hard with him to help him develop a personality (he suffered a severe case of bullying at School when he was a teenager), and now he is devastated. I feel so much pain and sadness for him :-( Obviously I know that it is a virus and it doesn't care who it infects, but I can't help thinking in this way. And also, the way in which he got infected is terribly unfair (a broken condom-- he wasn't aware of PeP so he didn't go to any hospital to take it; it hasn't been publicly advertised in my country so most gay/bi/hetero people don't know about it). I don't want to bore you guys, I just puked a bunch of my thoughts in here, and sorry if you have read this same message over and over again from different people that comes to the forums to sob. I don't have any HIV+ friends, and right now I feel a bit lonely. I have been trying during all these days to cheer him up, but I think I also need talk about this even if it is to a group of strangers. Hugs.

It sounds as if your b/f of 13 years is very lucky to have you there! That longevity alone speaks volumes of your relationship and concern for him.

There probably isn't much that you can do to 'cheer' him up at this point. That will come with some time and acceptance and education on the virus. That is the key IMO - learn what he (and you) can about the virus and how it operates. The more you know, the less 'personal' it becomes. Right now, it's a monster, it's an intrusion, it's a overwhelming burden. Know what it is and eventually it will be a manageable virus that has nothing to do with someone's worth or identity. It just 'is' and won't be the elephant at the dinner table.

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"Honey, you should never ask advice from a drunk drag queen who has a show to do." - JG

Thank you for your support and advices guys, I really appreciate them.

We're now looking for a therapy group that can help him know some new people he can talk to. He's also in a better mood although you know this is a bumpy road so he has his ups and downs from time to time, just as myself. This forum really helps a lot.

What also may help is to not make any changes to your standard operation! If you go to the movies on Friday ..... then GO TO THE MOVIES. Don't let a diagnosis change how you go through your day or your relationship. Keep the control and while he may not feel like doing the things you once did, or (maybe - maybe not) sitting on the couch emoting about the condition, it DOES help to keep that continuity even if you have to drag him out of the house.

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"Honey, you should never ask advice from a drunk drag queen who has a show to do." - JG

I have just joined the forum and saw your posting. My partner was diagnosed ten years ago after we had been together three years. We are still together, and I can assure you that our lifestyle has not been affected. We enjoy holidays, weekends away, etc. We have gone through tricky times, but we have bounced back. For him I try to maintain a positive and upbeat attitude, but we don't dwell on the HIV, if he wants to talk about it, then great, we do. He has three children from a previous life, and one of them knows, and she has the same attitude - live life to the full. Basically, what I'm trying to say is that once you've got over the shock, you will realise your lives won't suddenly come to a stop and there won't necessarily be any dramatic changes. In some ways it made us closer, but the reason I have joined this forum is that I think sometimes I need to offload, and I think you will need the same from time to time. I hope this has helped in someway, remember - it's not the end of the road, just a detour!

I have just joined the forum and saw your posting. My partner was diagnosed ten years ago after we had been together three years. We are still together, and I can assure you that our lifestyle has not been affected. We enjoy holidays, weekends away, etc. We have gone through tricky times, but we have bounced back. For him I try to maintain a positive and upbeat attitude, but we don't dwell on the HIV, if he wants to talk about it, then great, we do. He has three children from a previous life, and one of them knows, and she has the same attitude - live life to the full. Basically, what I'm trying to say is that once you've got over the shock, you will realise your lives won't suddenly come to a stop and there won't necessarily be any dramatic changes. In some ways it made us closer, but the reason I have joined this forum is that I think sometimes I need to offload, and I think you will need the same from time to time. I hope this has helped in someway, remember - it's not the end of the road, just a detour!

Hi Maxell. Welcome to the forum. I have been involved with my bf for 13 years now and I was diagnosed 2 years ago - he is neg. He has stood by me and been supportive. It makes me love him more. Life does go on. Enjoy it. I wish you both all the best. I am sure you are getting the best advice.

Thanks all for your kind messages. On Saturday it will be a month since he received his diagnosis. This month has been totally crazy, but things are much calmer now. Tomorrow he has his first visit in the hospital with a doctor. His idea is to start the treatment asap (my bf also happens to be a doctor, so he has been reading a lot of scientific articles lately regarding HIV and he thinks his best option is to start treatment now and become UD soon; also, I think that will help him in a emotional level-- he'll feel in that way that he's doing something against the virus).He doesn't want to go to therapy since he's afraid we could find there someone we know, so I told him about the forum and he might join us soon I think it will be a good idea to have a group of people who really undestand what he's going through that he can talk to.On the other hand, I am feeling so-so. Somedays I am totally down, some others I'm ok. I know it takes time and that it will be better, and I am actually quite impressed of how having a strong relationship can help someone in a moment like this. I will not lie, I am still f*cking scared, but I will keep going on and helping him to do so. I already told him a dozen times I won't let him feel less than anyone else, and I am a very stubborn person! We have kept doing most things that we used to, and that has helped, but some others... they are lost forever.Thank you everybody for reading, and again thank you for your support.

Welcome to the forums and the 'new' normal. Sorry about the dx but glad it was caught and will be dealt with. Life expectancy is pretty much normal with the new drugs. Yes, there is a lot to learn and digest in terms of treatment, drugs, getting labs done etc etc but the reality is that this disease is manageable.

I can appreciate your worries, concerns, reaction and so on but try to take it ALL with a grain of salt. Living with HIV/AIDS is now a life-long process, but it does not have to be life determining. try to get some counseling and you can always come here and ask questions, chat...whatever.

Glad you found us.

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Diagnosed in May of 2010 with teh AIDS.

PCP Pneumonia . CD4 8 . VL 500,000

TRIUMEQ - VALTREX - FLUOXETINE - FENOFIBRATE - PRAVASTATIN - CIALIS

Numbers consistent since 12/2010 - VL has remained undetectable and CD4 is anywhere from 275-325

I write to keep you posted on news about my bf. Today we received the result from his first blood tests. His CD4 is 435 and his VL 200.000, so my bf's doctor recommended to start ART now. We were quite shocked about his CD4 numbers since he's only been infected since February (he thinks he got infected in mid Feb), but the doctor insisted it is not a bad number. He has also requested us to be part of a PARTNER study for gay serodiscordant couples, and for my bf to donate part of his blood sample to investigate with it. We have accepted both things. Good news are that they also repeated my blood test and I am definitively negative (they used a 4th generation ELISA test). There's been 2 months since my bf and I had our last sexual relationship without a condom, so the doctor also told me these results are final. I am truly happy about this (and more is my bf), but at the same time sad. It only took a broken condom for my bf to get infected, but I, that had several sexual intercouses with him without a condom when he was already infected, never got it. Don't get me wrong, it doesn't mean I wanted to get the virus (we are very relieved that I am not infected) but I am very shocked how it was only 1 time for him. It makes me feel very sorry for him and his bad luck

A small update: he also took a blood test 1 month after the other one I told you about (this was last week). His cd4 are now 400 and CV 350000 I know I shouldn't be scared since we have to go to the doctor again next week, and probably he will send him to the hospital to get his meds, but I can't avoid been worried/scared

I wanted to write a brief summary of the last weeks. It's been a while since last time I updated you with how things are going with my boyfriend! He finally started his treatment two days ago. He's on Truvada + Norvir + Prezista. His doctor told him he will change his regime probably in his next visit (which is on the 25th), but since they couldn't get his resistance data in time (he was going on holidays today and he won't be back until the 25th) and he wanted him to start treatment asap (his doctor is keen on starting treatment soon, and that's precisely what my boyfriend wanted--he's also a doctor and believes that it is better to control the infection that leaving it on its own, plus, he also believes that if you start soon after the infection you avoid creating more virus reservoires) he told him to take that. No side effects after 2 days, let's cross fingers. Psychologically he has also improved, but he's still struggling with his fears and especially with the image that he has about himself right now. He feels as if he was a lepper and doesn't want to go to any of the places we used to go before (clubs). I undestand him and I think all of this is part of the process of acceptance. He has still to come to terms with the fact that this is his new reality, so I will give him all the time he needs. At least he has kept going to the gym and eating healthy, which is more important than that. He told me yesterday that he's decided to tell one of his close friends. These last two monts he has been lying to him telling him that he had been diagnosed TB, so I also think it is positive he's going to talk about it with someone else (the two only people that know apart from me are two other recently diagnosed friends that we have).Thanks for reading I will keep you posted on the 25th.

Has he joined this forum? If not, what's the hesitation? He'll probably feel more normal by chatting here, even though that might sound paradoxical to certain newly infected people, who are struggling with the "identity" issues.

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“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Has he joined this forum? If not, what's the hesitation? He'll probably feel more normal by chatting here, even though that might sound paradoxical to certain newly infected people, who are struggling with the "identity" issues.

Yes, he posted in the recently infected forum last month, but he doesn't feel very comfortable about it since his level of English is not (according to him, I disagree) very high. His nickname in the forums is Haafdan. He doesn't want to go to any therapy groups since he says he doesn't wanna go there and find someone he knows.

Hi Maxwell, welcome to the forum and I understand what you are feeling with your boyfriend's poz status, I am going through the same thing with my boyfriend. I have been with him for 3 1/2 yrs and he just found out that he is positive and I have gone through an arrange of emotions since finding out in mid May of this year. I have been tested already 2 times and have come out negative but in a way I feel like you do that "how the hell am I negative when I have not used protection all the time with him and he didn't use it twice with a female before me and he got infected". I can't dwell on why I am not positive but just have to live with the status and be as supportive as possible for him so that he stays as strong as possible to fight this horrible illness. I have read all the information that is available and am not afraid to stay in my relationship some people might think that why stay if I am negative but I don't think like that cause I know if the shoe was on the other foot he would stay with me. I am so thankful that I found this website cause it has really helped me with just reading about other couples with poz and neg statuses and with the comments that members have written back to me.