8 things no one tells you about IVF (but really should)

These honest insights will make the emotional and physical toll easier to handle

By
Rosie Bray and Richard Mackney

18/11/2015

Getty Images

After years trying to conceive naturally, Rosie Bray and her husband Richard Mackney, underwent three rounds of IVF. They now have a healthy daughter, and hope to help other couples in a similar situation. Here are the things Rosie wishes she knew before she started IVF...

1. It probably won't work

It feels strange even writing such an inherently negative sentence, but it's the harsh truth. The first time I did IVF I was told I had about a 30% chance of what they delightfully call a 'live birth', which is considered very good odds in the IVF world. Just hearing the phrase 'very good odds' made me feel better. Until I thought about it. Because a 30% chance of it working means there's a 70% chance of it not working.

2. The worst bit happens afterwards

Have a glimpse at any fertility forum and you'll see the abbreviation 2WW, or the 'two week wait', by far the worst part of the whole IVF process. If you're lucky, a nice, healthy embryo is implanted back at the clinic. They will tell you to do a pregnancy test in 14 days' time and until then just forget about it and go about your normal life. But you can't. All your hopes and dreams are riding on that little embryo and you will think about nothing else for two whole weeks. It's one of hardest fortnights you will ever have.

3. The drugs won't necessarily make you go mad

Before I did IVF, all I heard from people was that the drugs you take during the month-long cycle – basically a drug to down-regulate your cycle (turn off your hormones) and another to stimulate ovulation (turn them on again) – would do terrible things to your head. "Like PMT multiplied by 50" is what people used to say. But none of the three times I had IVF did I react badly. Maybe I was just lucky. Or maybe, as my husband helpfully suggested, I was like PMT multiplied by 50 naturally all the time (he's a funny guy).

4. Being pregnant doesn't mean you're going to have a baby

In 36 years, I had never been pregnant. So the second time I did IVF and the pregnancy test came up positive I was beyond overjoyed. It had finally bloody worked. I was pregnant like all those other mums-to-be. Three weeks later at the scan, there, on the ultrasound screen, I saw a little pulsating bean. A heartbeat. The heartbeat of my baby. But three weeks after that, that same ultrasound screen was blank. And remained blank. "I'm so sorry, Rosie," said the nice ultrasound lady. "But it's not there." As my world disappeared beneath my feet, I realised that a positive pregnancy test doesn't necessarily mean you are going to have a baby. Everyone who's had an unsuccessful round of IVF knows that. And now I did too.

5. IVF isn't as bad as infertility

Despite all the bad things you might read and hear about IVF, it's nowhere near as tough as infertility. The years of knowing there's a problem and not dealing with it is unbearable. But IVF feels like you're actually doing something about it. When I realised I needed help and got that first referral from the GP, I finally felt like I was moving forward after years of fear and inertia. Finally I was in the hands of professionals. I can assure you that feels hugely reassuring.

Here's what Richard wishes he knew before Rosie started IVF...

6. Men are pretty much ignored

Pretty much all of the attention will be on her. On each of the three times we did IVF I was barely spoken to or even addressed by fertility clinic staff. This used to annoy the hell out of me, but now I get it. She does have the worst deal and, relatively, the man does have the easy part. I qualify this with the next point...

They didn't tell me about the pressure...

7. It gives you the ultimate performance anxiety

"You've got the easy job" – that's what I was always told by the clinic staff each of the three times we did IVF. Nip into a booth on the key egg collection day, do your business in a pot and that's that. But they didn't tell me about the pressure. Years of infertility and disappointment and the silent blame game now resting on a window of one hour in a booth. A non-soundproofed booth, I discovered, so I could hear a sorry parade of men either side of me bringing themselves off. After five hours, I had to admit defeat. I couldn't perform, and ruined our free, NHS-funded attempt at IVF. I had the 'easy job' and I couldn't even do that. The one thing I thought I was good at.

8. Frozen is as good as fresh

The second time we did IVF I discovered that I didn't have to do my business in a booth on that key egg collection day. I could do it at home in the morning and bring the sample into the clinic. To further ease psychological pressures, I also discovered that I could pay for a sperm sample to be frozen weeks in advance which means they always have a sample to use. There is a slight reduction during the defrosting process but generally frozen is as good as fresh – 'like peas' as one consultant helpfully put it.

NetDoctor, part of the Hearst UK wellbeing network
Netdoctor participates in various affiliate marketing programs, which means we may get paid commissions on editorially chosen products purchased through our links to retailer sites.