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February 21, 2011

Tony

Tony, age 8

Seattle, WA (1970)

My photo shows me on a warm July day holding our neighbor’s cat. I'm oddly dressed in a green wool sweater, long pants, and my Buster Brown shoes. My bedroom inside the house is immaculate. I'm polite and helpful, just as my report card proves. And I have excellent handwriting.

34 years have since passed, and I ponder what I would tell my kid-self now, if I had the chance.

Do I warn him about what's to come in the next 25 years?

Or do I just embrace him, pull him close, and whisper gently in his ear, ‘Just hang in there!’

I might have to whisper in his ear other words, like gay and pride and therapy and even suicide.

Should I tell this gallant and courteous A-student with the Disney "Jungle Book" lunch-box what I now believe he should know?

Should I explain it all to him preemptively, before the "different" feelings start, even though he's already having them?

Not just yet, I guess.

What my picture shows is accurate to what I would eventually put myself through, and what other gay boys put themselves through:

Me at age 8, being such a good boy, and already pretending that I loved pussy.

Tony's first, famous-person same sex crushes:

Edward Mulhare (in "The Ghost & Mrs. Muir")

Robert Redford (in "The Way We Were")

Talk about 'daddies' - woof! When Redford's in bed with Streisand, his meadow of wheat-blond chest hair glowing in the moonlight, I got a stirring in the theater.

The "Born This Way: Real Stories Of Growing Up Gay" book is out now in all bookstores. Please support your local LGBT and independent bookstores whenever possible. Click the image below to locate an indie bookstore near you.