Spreading naughtiness in the world ... Jet Li in The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor

The Mummy franchise now really is dead, dead, dead. It is so dead, it could win gold at the Dead Olympics, establishing a new British and Commonwealth record in the 400m decomposition event. But it is getting dug up yet again by director Rob Cohen. Brendan Fraser's head looks more waxy and cubic than ever, with that oldest-juve-lead-in-the-universe look, playing legendary adventurer Rick O'Connell; Maria Bello has a highly unconvincing British accent playing his wife, Evelyn. From her tense embouchure, the words, "Oh no we're in danger", come out as "Eurh neurh weurh eurhn deurhngeuhr". Poor John Hannah - a decent actor who deserves better - is given some awful lines and awful direction, playing their rackety pal Jonathan, running a club in Shanghai. The plot is that the ancient Chinese emperor, played by action star Jet Li, and all his terracotta army are going to be released from their spell and will once again run amok spreading naughtiness and wickedness in the world. This movie is just a shiny, sparkly device for making money; it's like watching a slot machine.