Is Robert Lewandowski pointing the way to Manchester? Photograph: Pierre-Philippe Marcou/AFP/Getty Images

From cigar-smuggling goalkeeper Ricardo Zamora to cheroot-sucking trickster Johan Cruyff, Barcelona have employed one or two smokers in their time. Presumably having not changed their club doctor since 1922, Barça are now thinking about spending £25m on Wayne Rooney who, emboldened by an upgrade to his weave and increasingly independent of mind, has demanded transfers from Manchester United for both himself and his little pal Rug 2.0. Paris Saint-Germain, Real Madrid, Chelsea and Arsenal are keeping tabs on the situation, as it were.

Also taking his leave of Manchester in search of glamour is Micah Richards, who may sign a new deal with Manchester City before heading off to Internazionale on loan. No, we don't understand it either, but then it's none of our business. City have meanwhile already agreed to let Carlos Tevez join Juventus, and want to replace him with Robert Lewandowski, who really does need to sign for Bayern Munich or get off the pot.

But City are no longer interested in Edinson Cavani, having been spooked by the Napoli striker's £300,000-a-week wage demand. Manchester United, Chelsea and Real Madrid have all long taken leave of their senses, and are still considering it.

Honda will arrive at Goodison alongside Arouna Koné. That's more good news for Everton fans: not only have they seen off Swansea City and Norwich City for the Ivory Coast striker, it also stands to reason that Roberto Martínez can only plunder old club Wigan for so many players, and this means there's now statistically less chance of him going back for Gary Caldwell.

The west of Scotland to the East Riding. It's a route once traversed by Daniel Cousin, so you'd assume Gary Hooper is not taking Hull boss Steve Bruce's calls.

Newcastle United are after André-Pierre Gignac. The £12m Marseille striker ticks all the boxes for Newcastle: he's French, he's a powerful unit in the Shearer-Carroll mould, and they won't have to compete with cash-rich Anzhi Makhachkala for him, which is what's putting them off Vitesse Arnhem's Wilfried Bony.