Pages

My Whine

Though I can't say that Mass Communication is boring, I have to admit the workload is heavy. Week in week out, assignments pour in with me powerless to say 'Stop'. I'm trying really hard to finish my assignments at least a week before due date, but usually those assignments aren't good enough.

Many had asked me why I chose Mass Communication. And my reason would be: I like to write. Honestly, I could've chose to do music, but what if music fails for me? My teacher told me that I can play, but I'm not an excellent musician. I am not cropped out to do music, but I have an advantage - I learn slightly quicker than an average musician. That is all.

Speaking of which, in writing, I am no better than friends at college who are excellent writers. I read some of their blogs and always find myself rather startled at their mannerisms; they can write so well with minimal grammatical errors.

Perhaps I'm whining, but here's this: experience after experience, people's reaction toward my work imply that I produce mediocrity. Although many times I choose not to think about or believe in it, I can't escape from the fact that my work isn't good enough to impress someone of a certain status. For instance, I bleed my fingers trying to master Franz Liszt's "Transcendental EtudeNo. 1 'Preludio' ". Week after week, after numerous bangs on my reconditioned upright Yamaha piano, all I get from my teacher was "Not bad". I wanted something more, perhaps 'Well done', but I did not get it.

Accumulating all these experience, I often wonder how will I survive in the society. Will I be able to sustain myself? I do not want to depend on my parents; they've given more than enough, and I should be repaying. But will my mediocre abilities bring me to somewhere I desire?

Push aside Bible verses for a second. Think about reality for a moment. Survival in the modern society is not as simple as it seems. I might be able to get my diploma after three years of studying, and perhaps a degree after the fourth, what does it guarantee me? All it does is proof my academic studies, but it doesn't speak of my capabilities. Not that I have many rooms ability-wise, a certificate of education does not guarantee that I will get a decent job with a decent pay to feed my family and prepare my brother's and sister's education.

My mother has told me that she and father can only support a kid in studying in college, and that would be me. After my graduation, I have to get a job and start saving money for my brother's and sister's education should they want to further their studies in college. And all the while in college, I think of how could I better my work and have less time in thinking about really socializing and talking with them about everything under the sun.

Am I pressuring myself? Am I causing extra stress on myself? I do not really know because with all these in mind, I push myself to a level I rarely reach. This becomes a motivation I rarely have. But it does bring several negative impacts too, many I'm not too proud to mention.

I've tried speaking to people - both close and distant friends - but none of them could identify with my difficulties. Yes, I am very aware that everybody goes through different stresses in life, and full identification is not possible. But there should be a small amount of understanding, and they do not even have that level of understanding. Once again, I question the distance I can cover in true friendship. Will I ever get good friends who can not only talk nonsense to brighten my day but understand me well?

People say 'birds of the same kind flock together'. If I am who I believe to be - one with mediocrity - will my friends be of mediocre level? But I want friends who can motivate me to do something beneficial, not people who're only interested in having fun and fun alone. I want friends who can push me to a higher level. I want friends who can challenge me to betterment. I want friends who can speak their minds to me without fear and vice versa. I want friends excellent in their work, and whenever I need their help in work, they could at least lend a little help. Am I asking too much? Do such friends exist? Or am I thinking too much? I wonder.

2 comments:

Sorry if I'm intruding, (as you don't know me and I don't know you) but this is a very honest post and I just want to encourage you to keep hanging on to God, the truth and pray that He will send a sincere friend to encourage you through these hard and worrying times. A burden shared is a burden halved. Take care!