Tag Archives: gaming

I have to say, there’s not a lot going on in the brainbox. I’ve just been like… doing things ‘as normal’, I guess. There has been knitting, gaming, and socialisation in percentages that suit my preferences. I have had the winter joy of will it/won’t it snow — I want it to snow but it’s not, hrmph! Even the work year is off to a good start. The only impediment there has been the smallest wanting lots of cuddles due to teething, and well… it’s hard to be mad at her for being cute and snuggly, isn’t it.

In short, there isn’t a lot to complain about. My mood wibbles around a tiny bit up and down, but it doesn’t seem to push too far into the danger zone. I could complain about Depakote making me gain a stone in weight, but like… I don’t care? I’m actually quite okay with being fat, and having developed an addition to teeturtle has me excited about buying clothing for the first time ever (even when tiny small with a banging body, I found clothing purchasing a drag… not for any self-loathing, just because I couldn’t be assed).

Of course, as I sit here, the list of things that I could complain about starts expanding out in my head, but I’m doing my best to ignore it. I’m instead choosing to focus on the happy things (which of course has me occasionally questioning whether or not I’m going hypomanic because oh hey, thanks bipolar). I live in a country that suits me better than my country of origin. I’m still very much in love with my spouse after nine years together. We have a nice house and cute kids. We have enough money that we have a goodly amount of free time (though I get the most ’cause my husband is amazing about making sure I can hole up and take care of myself).

Or maybe I just need to recount the good because depression lies and I’m under its shadow and not aware of it. It’s always a possibility, isn’t it. ¬¬ But at least I’m still deriving enjoyment from my life, the things I enjoy, and so on, so it’s prooooobably not that bad. Probably. All I can do is to just keep swimming, and to apply my own brand of self-motivation to myself that I would murder anyone else for attempting to do and wouldn’t slather anyone else with, because damn it is sunshine-y. *chuckles*

Originally posted on Petal & Mortar:I <3 TED talks, there’s always something I find to inspire me or make me think. I’m having an up-week (thanks for all the fantastic feedback & welcome to my new followers), so I’ve…

Okay so, I started coming back around after all the pregnancy nausea hoohah. I was dealing with brain fog and chronic fatigue, and that was annoying for any number of reasons. But then, THEN? I got slammed by a week of migraine and migraine-like headaches. A week. When I can’t take codeine. GAH. And it was even more annoying because it meant I couldn’t use my shiny gorgeous HD desktop monitor because it was a trigger and darn it, I wanted to play Sims. *grumps*

But thankfully, I DID start coming out of it, and along the way I was even able to return to work, AND deal with my backlog of emails! Hello new Network folks, I told you I’d try to get back on the ball.

I also felt that I should update on how things have been going since coming off of the Zoloft. I would deem it passable, but not ideal. I find that my mood is spiking into anger really easily (which I attribute to coming off of it in the first place), and that my threshold for stress has bottomed out again. I’m still feeling cushioned enough that I’m not overly worried, but pile a few stressors on me and all those pregnancy hormoes at the same time, and I’m liable to scream (and have once or twice, which did feel good… sort of). I still think that coming off of it was a good call for enabling me to have the pregnancy and labour that I want, and I can only hope that whichever psychiatrist I see next month will agree to continue on.

Yes, I said whichever. MY psych is retiring at the end of the month. We have a perfect understanding of why I want to come off my meds (the NHS won’t approve a home birth with stuff like Seroquel in the system due to the effects it can have on the fetus/baby), and that I have no intention of sneaking off of my meds — I want back on the second this kiddo is born. I’ve said it before, but in case any of y’all are new — hospitals push me into nervous breakdown territory in well under an hour due to the lights/noise/people/energy. Even doing a home birth, in my home, with only 3 other people present, I got to a point where I had to hit the gas and air HARD to tune them out. So yes — I’ve managed to well establish that I know what I want to do for the sake of my mental health and the health of my forthcoming progeny, and it does make me slightly weary and wary of maybe having to argue my case again.

Past that, just taking it easy and enjoying some gaming. We got an unexpected Christmas bonus, so I got a 2DS/Pokémon X bundle for £99 (no desire to ever have a 3DS, as I couldn’t use it), and my husband got himself a PS Vita. But yes, me and Pokémon… I think the husband is learning what it’s like to be my PokéWidow. *giggles* I’ve been addicted to the franchise since I first saw the cartoon in 1994, and he’s never had to see me before when I have the newest game in my hot little hands. I kid, of course — he’s happy that I have something that I enjoy so much, ’cause he’s a top-notch human being.

I hope that everyone out there is doing well, and is having a relaxing holiday season.

I finished sewing up Cardigan Mark 2.0 last night – yay! I made the same mistake with the shoulders again, but now it’s sunk in what to do and what not to do — I should have started the seam from the neck and worked outwards. I might try to unpick it and see if I can fix it, but I’m not overly confident about that. The seam blends into the knitting so smoothly that it’s going to take some luck and prayer to actually figure out a safe place to pull it out from. :s

But hey, at least I actually ended up with a bit of wool at the end, so that gives me materials if I manage to get that seam unpicked. That pleased me — I bought two fat balls of wool thinking that I’d be using both of them up, and instead, I’ve got a whole spare one for another future project. Obviously, I’m excited — it’s a gorgeous wool and it knits up beautifully, so whatever else I can make from it is going to be gorgeous and lovely to touch. Which, of course, circles back around to why I’m wary about trying to pick out and fix that seam — it’s gorgeous and I would hate for all my effort to end up being for broken nothing. I might also ask my husband his thoughts, as he is the better seamster out of the two of us.

But anyways, that is, in essence, complete… which means I can move on to the next project in the book! This one is on two different sized needles, and the new stitch is slip, slip, knit (ssk). I found a video that looks like it will translate it well enough to left-handed-ese, so that’s pleasing. Have I mentioned that I’m really enjoying learning knitting? Well, yeah, I probably have on several occasions. *chuckles* I’m still finding the patterns easier to follow than crochet, though I probably do need to make myself pick a crochet project keep developing my skills in that regard as well.

For now though, I am going to go get some lunch, maybe some of the banana bread I baked yesterday (this is my preferred recipe), and get back to some lovely lovely knitting. And Simming. ‘Cause that’s how I weekend roll. Hope everyone is having a great one!

There’s not a lot going on out this way. My mood is pretty stable, my sleep has returned to semi-restfulness, and that rash is nearly faded away (as I knew it would). I’m enjoying the pleasant ambient weather/atmosphere, and just kicking back enjoying my hobbies. The husband fellow and the little one both appear to be engaging in some semblance of relaxation as well, so i think I can call it a good all around day here at our lovely domicile. I might even *gasp* engage in some sewing!

But of course, the down side of that is I can’t think of much to say here. I’m not about to go on feeling guilty for feeling good — that’s like handing depression the keys to my brain, yanno? It’s part of the same reason I make myself keep writing even when everything is okay — if I don’t keep track of it, then this little black box of mine will not be able to let me know concisely where my brain started falling apart again. If it does. Which I’m not going to dwell on, ’cause Catch-22. Stupid, never-ending Catch-22, ha ha.

Anyhoos, I hope things are going well enough for all of you out there.

Irony of ironies yesterday — it took me a long-ass time to get my poor blog to post. I’m not sure what the deal was, but it was timing out any time I tried to do anything behind the hood. Hopefully that’s past, and I can continue on without having to pull my hair apart wondering what could be wrong.

Things continue to be good and decent-feeling. I’m holding it together enough that there’s a generous mood buffer, I’m getting things done, and I’m feeling… satisfied. Such a strange word that is, and one that I don’t get to use that often. It only strikes me as odd at how infrequently I’m able to say it when I *am* able to say it! It is a great word, one that conveys the warm fuzziness that contentment (rather than happy//up) can bring.

I was chuckling yesterday at what I consider one of the ultimate signs of me feeling even — I’ve got The Sims 3 up and running on my desktop. I love running non-stop Legacy games, so having that game up is probably the biggest sign of cheerful status quo in my book. It means my brain has quit having little stroppy fits of ennui, which is always a relief (since me hitting states of ennui are precariously dangerous, as explained in the past). I’m knitting every night, I’m actually thinking about leaving the house this weekend… it’s pretty good. For now. I know not to count on it staying this decent, but yanno — I’ll always enjoy it while I can and will do my best to -not- shoot myself in the foot.

I hope everyone is having a snazzy day, with good fun planned for the weekend (even if it’s just chilling at home, ’cause that is totally awesome in my book).

At least, it’s Mother’s Day//Mothering Sunday here in the United Kingdom. So don’t forget to pass on well-intended Hallmark greetings to your friends who fall into that category. ‘Cept for me, ’cause I’m scooting back to playing SimCity. Mmm, addictive…

I’m bemused that even thinking about trying to explain this fatigues my poor bipolar brain… ah well. Hopefully I can hit a few of the key points!

Firstly, I’ve been a gamer since I was 3 or 4. I remember waking up before everyone else to play Atari during G.I. Joe (as my parents didn’t permit me to watch it for some reason that I cannot recall). I had a crush on Link as a little girl, and used to tug my ears to try to make them pointier so I could go to Hyrule and adventure with him. I had a Nintendo Power subscription, a Game Boy, the works. It broke my heart when Nintendo moved away from real gamers to casual gamers, because it was not a road I could follow them on anymore (not to denigrate casual gaming; I tried to stay loyal to my first console love and got dumped). PC gaming and I started our love affair in the early 90s with Wolfenstein 3D and the first Civilization, and continues to be a vital part of my daily life.

In short – I love games, and they love me. But I came to a realization lately — they are filling the gap where most people would say… climb mountains and achieve things. That isn’t to lament lost time, ’cause it has been time well spent and well enjoyed. It has helped to keep me sane over the past 17 years of questionable health, both mental (bipolar) and physical (???).

You see, I take commitments very seriously. If I say I am going to do something, I expect myself to do it and do it well. So while there are people who were impressed with me finishing NaNoWriMo, I only even gave it a go because I knew it was within my abilities and spoonage to pull it off… or at least, strongly suspected it was going to be possible, a high enough chance to warrant giving it a go. But for the most part, I cannot and have not been able to count on my brain with its bipolar or my body with its… whatever the hell… to hold together for any meaningful commitment to a task. Gaming, even the open-ended sort I prefer, gives a steady sense of minor accomplishment; I might not get the endorphin buzz off of it, but it’s something to fill my time that feels vaguely productive and vaguely fun.

Anyways, it’s better than drinking and doing drugs, ha ha. And it doesn’t mean that I don’t try to get out of the house and try new things and meet new people. I’m just grateful that it’s something that helps me cope. And as I said yesterday, coping -is- the name of the game.

It’s Christmas Eve, and yeah… not feeling it. I’m not sure how I feel about that either. I’m just… here. There are things that need opening, there’s a turkey that needs cooking, and I’m just sort of here. Lurking around the edges is a hefty dose of ‘What’s the freaking point to anything?’ as there has been for the last couple of weeks, but I continue to do my utmost to ignore the crap out of it.

Still, I’m not in a bad mood either. I’m aware that I’m slightly depressed, but I’m still enjoying things and not feeling too snappish; I guess that’s a minor improvement over yesterday? So maybe a little bit of the Christmas spirit is invading and brightening up my innards. Or that could be the chocolate chip cookies I baked, ha ha.

Anyways, back to Simming and crochet, and cursing my sore index finger. Heatherbat posted about a surreal new-to-Android thingie, and I jammed my finger slightly playing it on my husband’s phone (my phone apparently isn’t compatible). Maybe I’ll rub some Deep Heat on it, but really… I should probably quit typing and let the poor dear rest.

We are watching some Olympic matches today; it feels like we’ve not watched enough considering the fantastic coverage the BBC is providing. It’s nice to enjoy some sport, and to watch as the UK moves to what looks like a firm third in the medals table. Mainly, I’ve been perversely pleased that the abysmal NBC coverage is making many people I know back in the States question why they’re getting such a raw deal; I feel this might aid in more Americans thinking to question and quest past their borders, and realize how the concept of American Exceptionalism is used to get Americans to at sub-par as ‘best in the world’.

Beyond that, I’m wandering about Middle Earth in Lord of the Rings Online. My main character is a Hobbit (though the subject line refers to a picture on Engrish.com), as I find it an agreeable species to wander about with. I like the freemium model because pay-to-play doesn’t get along with my addictive personality; it didn’t matter so much when I was rotting alone in San Antonio, but now that I have a life, I don’t want to squander it on trying to get my money’s worth out of something. And as I’m frugal, there’s a lot of squeezing there indeed.

So yeah, a whole lot of nothing much, but if it keeps me sane? I’m not gonna complain.