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Thursday, December 8, 2011

This girl I worked with at K-Mart and I work with now at my current job (she's the one that told me to apply to be a DSP) wants to do zumba and I said I would go with her sometime. So we are planning on going Monday. That concludes anything good/ok that is going on in my life. Constantly getting bitched at/about by everyone (parents, co-coworkers, friends, ect.). AA and J both told me I can cut. I told AA I wanted to cut and he didn't want me too at first. I asked what else I was supposed to do instead and he couldn't come up with anything. I said cutting was better than be being upset for hours or days or weeks. So he said I could as long as it wasn't everyday and I didn't end up in the hospital. It only made me more uncertain about being with AA. So I text J and asked him why I shouldn't cut. He said he didn't know a reason and that he's never done it before so if I wanted to cut, to go ahead and do it. I already had. Now I have no reasons not to cut. No one cares. I was hoping J would at least get all medical and be like you can get an infection or tetanus or something. I wanted someone to give me a reason not to. And I got nothing. AA couldn't come up with an alternative for it. So now I'm back to cutting. And it will get out of hand again. I've got a good razor too. Makes it more tempting. I've been wanting pills but I can't ever find anything good. I was supposed to get a bar once but it woulda meant waiting for someone to get off work and I didn't have time. Other than that I can only find shells and that just brings back bad memories. Never again. I'm gonna have a little bit of Greek yogurt for breakfast along with some diet pills. I haven't taken diet pills in like forever. I took a couple one day but that was it and they made me feel sick. That's why I'm having some Greek yogurt first. So it won't be so hard on my stomach. I'm gonna try to finish wrapping Christmas presents after work today. I gotta run to town and cash my paycheck or deposit it. Depends on if I have my damn debit card or not. Today is 10 days. I better fucking have it. I want to buy stuff online. I have a Victoria's Secret rewards card thing that I need to use. And they have free shipping on orders over $25 through Sunday. Not having a debit card is driving me insane. I have about $240 sitting in my checking account. At least I made it two weeks without going broke? Although I did spend over $250 that was left over from the loan. I got $400 more than the car cost to cover the tax and registration and title and whatthehellever. It came to $222. Would have been $220 but I had to go to a bank and get a money order and the bank charged $2. Whatever. I probably should order some checks sometime... I'm not looking forward to work. Mainly because I just don't want to go... I need to get dressed and eat and make some tea so I can take the diet pills. I never did take a picture of the necklace AA gave me. I don't know if I even said anything about it on here... Either way, he bought me a necklace when he was in Louisiana. He gave it to me first time I saw him after he came back. Anyway, I gotta go. I'll post pictures sometime on a day off. E is coming over tomorrow and leaving Sunday. So it'll probably be sometime between Monday and Wednesday. Hopefully I'll be in a good enough mood and have enough time to read blogs. But who knows.

I am not a cutter but I would say cutting is bad because for one it scares you but and why carry those around with you also we have so much to deal with any ways. If it really relased something then people would not need to do it so much and it is bad cause we care for you and do not want you to self harm...On another note Zumba is awesome I love it I have a wii game of zumba. 2 work out vids and go to classes. hope you enjoy them it is a great outlet to just sweat and let go!

People

E - my daughter

K - friend, girl I work with at K-Mart

AA - friend, I've known him since I was 15, I like him and he likes me, lives about 2 1/2 hours away, not too sure what to say about him... he's gotten into some trouble with the law, currently on probation, he's funny and sweet, I trust him more than anyone

J - friend/ex-boyfriend, I've known him since I was 16, he's the nerdy, geeky type and in the Marines he like Star Wars and video games but he is funny and likes the same kind of music as me for the most part (rock, metal, techno) I never should have dated him when I did and he has agreed with me on that

D - husband, I haven't even known him 1 year, I want to divorce him but I can't afford to right now and it's kind of complicated

N - friend, I don't talk to her too much because her college friends and her boyfriend are more important, I've known her since we were in 3rd grade

T- sister, she's 1 1/2 years older than me she pretty much lives with her boyfriend and I don't talk to her much or even see her much and therefore don't talk about her too much and when I do I just refer to her as my sister

M - guy I met on my birthday, he's a drug dealer and college student and he's 24 and refuses to deal drugs to me and wants to hook up with me