Friday, March 30, 2012

We've all encountered this woman, and mentally brained her with her own pocketbook

I recognize the woman in this ad.

That's not saying much, of course. I'm sure we all recognize her. In fact, anyone who has ever been to a grocery store recognizes this woman. We've all been behind her in line.

She's the Woman Who Isn't Quite Done Shopping But Is At The Cashier Anyway. She's decided to try to save some time by beginning the checkout process while an accomplice finds that One or Two or Six Last Few Things which will eventually join the rest of her pile on the conveyor belt. And if that person doesn't show up when the other stuff has been scanned and bagged? No problem- she'll just wait, glancing back and forth, standing on her toes for effect, shrugging at the cashier with an "I'm sure he'll be here any second now" look on her stupid face.

Here, the woman we all recognize has made the especially brilliant decision to use an eight-year old girl as her partner in crime. Daughter has helpfully been told to get some Yoplait. She's not given any specifics- just "one of each." Gee, that's nice- I'm sure Mommy expected this kid to handle every fricking cup of yogurt in the damned store looking for different flavors, leaving a delightful mess behind for the next customer (or a store employee*) to clean up. Mommy doesn't send Daughter with a basket, either- so Daughter has been told to come back with an armful of individual yogurt cups, each of a different flavor, and don't worry about dropping a few on the way (that's what aforementioned store employee is for, after all.)

I guess the "joke" here is that Mommy has no idea how many flavors Yoplait offers. As it turns out, we've moved beyond Strawberry, Strawberry-Banana, and Vanilla, and despite the fact that Mommy is a fan of Yoplait, she didn't even notice. I guess she figured Daughter would come back with three cups of yogurt and that would be that.

Mommy also figured that the people standing behind her would have absolutely no problem with her stunningly selfish, "my time is so much more important than your time" attitude. Maybe that's because Mommy is the only f--ing person in the whole f---ing universe, and TS for any of us who made the silly decision to finish shopping before getting on the f--ing line.

We all know this is going to end with Mommy either writing a check (and balancing her checkbook right there, while standing in front of the cashier) or picking change out of her purse- after remembering that oh yes, she has a coupon for Yoplait, somewhere in there.....

*I spent three years working in the dairy department of a Wegmans in Upstate New York. I know what kind of damage jackasses like this can do to stacks of yogurt without even trying- though I'm sure that when I was working, they were always trying. I hope those people are all dead now.

Would have been nice if the cashier had responded to this woman's "my daughter is just grabbing some Yoplait" with "sigh, yeah, you are like the 20th person today to let me know that just because you are ready for me to scan your groceries doesn't mean that you are actually done shopping or anything. Ever think of how you'd like to be in a hurry and get stuck behind a shopper like you?