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Ex-spouses and stepparents: Can they get along?

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While you may not come to actual blows with the ex-spouse or stepparent in your life, for many involved in co-parenting after a divorce or remarriage this may seem an all-too-familiar metaphor.
(Leif R Jansson/Associated Press)

For Kathy Hinson, the turning point in co-parenting relations came during what she now refers to as "The Starbucks Summit," a conference she called with her ex-husband and his second wife in the spring of 2011.

It wasn't as though they were at each other's throats before that -- much, anyway. It had been four years since Kathy's marriage had broken up. Interactions regarding her three children, who divided their time between houses, were generally civil.

But under the surface, conflict remained. Kathy worked not only with her ex-husband, but also with his wife -- and seeing them was a daily, painful reminder of her divorce. Assumptions and suspicions dotted their communications, resulting in stiff silences and private venting on all sides.

Finally, after a heated misunderstanding about who said what about whom, Kathy decided to face some issues head on.

"It was such a horrible experience," Kathy says of the blowup. "I thought, 'How can I possibly work here if this is what it's going to be like?'" So she asked her ex-husband if the three of them could sit down and talk.

Which is how she found herself across the table from two people she didn't figure she'd ever be having coffee with. One of them was me.

* * *

Touchy co-parenting topics

Custody setup: Early on, establish specific guidelines for topics that are the likeliest to cause disputes: holiday, vacation and weekend planning; drop-off and pick-up times and places; who pays for what; who gets reimbursed when. You can always ease up later. Stepparents, follow your partner's lead. If you have a problem with the custody setup, talk to your spouse about it and let him or her deal with the ex-spouse.

Social situations: Above all, be polite. You can always throw a tantrum later to your spouse or a friend, in private.

Holidays/birthdays: Keep the focus on the child. If she wants everyone there, maybe you can get over yourself for three hours. If not, arrange separate celebrations. Feel your way along, and realize it will change over time. Maybe start out separate and leave the door open to modifications as people change and kids grow.

Finances: Always a hot spot, stepparents would do best to stay out of these discussions as much as is possible. Be a sympathetic ear, but don't fan the flames. If you're dealing with an ex-spouse, refer back to the business-relationship idea. Be rational, fair ... and persistent.

Shared friendships: Let friends take the lead. If they say, "I'm friends with you both," take the hint about acceptable topics of discussion. If they side with you, let them -- but keep in mind that too much venting can delay healing. And be careful that those who do take your side don't kvetch about the other parent(s) in front of the kids.

Information exchange: Email can be a good tool for exchanging information unemotionally and in a format you can refer back to for details. Or, it can be a quagmire of miscommunication. Make it the former by:

• Re-reading before you send: Did you assume common knowledge that might not exist? Did you state the issue or question clearly?

• Taking out anything that could be misinterpreted: try to read it as if you are the person receiving it.

• Editing: don't send massive letters about a dozen topics, it's tiresome and increases the likelihood some issues will be overlooked and left unsettled. Be concise.

-- Kathy Hinson and Heidi Williams

As anyone trying to co-parent after a divorce or remarriage knows too well, ex-spouse-and-stepparent interactions are generally tense at best.

"So much fear is inherent, on all sides," says Tigard therapist Cynthia Aerni. "All stepfamilies are formed after some kind of loss. Within loss, there is typically fear and pain and struggle to adjust to what that means and where do I fit in."

Aerni says those fears and insecurities often manifest themselves in power struggles between parents. Setting aside personal feelings, taking time to gain perspective and staying respectful are key components to creating a workable relationship.

Natural parents (for simplicity, natural applies here to both biological and adoptive parents in the original union) don't choose to share the raising of their children with a stepparent, and conversely the stepparent doesn't relish searching for a role with children who already have two parents. It's a relationship born of necessity, not first choice.

Neither party welcomes criticism and judgment, but both are all-too-often eager to dole them out. Hostility and resentment are common.

Add to that stepsibling problems, different opinions between the natural and stepparent, rocky histories and plain, old-fashioned jealousies.

It's not surprising that in a recent Oregonian poll asking what issues stepparents feel are the most problematic, almost half of the respondents said ex-spouse interactions are No. 1.

Aerni, who also is part of her own blended family with six kids, advises stepparents to steer clear of issues between the spouse and ex. A common step-pitfall, she says, is trying to insert yourself too quickly into decisions about the kids.

"Even if you don't agree with the parents, respect their role," she says. Referring to the book "Stepmonster," by Wednesday Martin, Aerni adds, "It's important to accept that you're entering into a family that has its own history, that didn't include you. You feel like an outsider because, in a sense, you are."

"Bio-parents can be very threatened by a stepparent coming in, wondering what they will be like, how will they treat my children, will they take my place," she says.

She adds that it's important not to interfere with the relationship between the stepparent and the children. "Try to keep your own insecurities inside and away from that relationship. If it's going to develop in a strong, healthy way, give it that chance."

And if it doesn't? Aerni says it's best to take concerns to the other natural parent first, before involving the stepparent.

For all parties, Aerni has this advice:

• Value everyone's role. • Be respectful, even when you don't feel respectful. • Don't respond or react to negative comments, when possible. • Look for common ground and points of compromise.

* * *

During our Starbucks Summit, we discussed kid issues, work problems, adult misunderstandings, past hurts and custody conflicts. It was awkward and honest, and it took us years to get to that point.

What I remember most from that day was Kathy's willingness to be there, alone, putting herself out there. I don't know that I ever would have been brave enough to do the same.

"It was definitely a bit surreal," Kathy says. "It was tension-producing enough that I had to bring an outline of points I wanted to cover so I wouldn't forget anything important. But we had come to a such key juncture that I felt like, 'OK, either I quit my job and move to Borneo or we get this hashed out right now.' "

None of us relishes our situation -- my ex-husband also works at the newspaper, in fact -- but we find a way not only to deal with it, but even occasionally to find humor in our unusual circumstances.

Kathy offers these tips for a successful parent-stepparent relationship; she writes from the natural parent's point of view, but these can apply to all parties:

View it as a business arrangement.Yes, parenting is personal. But remember, you're no longer in a romantic relationship with your ex-spouse, and you are not a family member, technically, to the stepparent. Taking away the emotional component leaves logistical, financial and strategic aspects to deal with -- just like you deal with at work. Emotional outbursts are about as appropriate -- and useful -- here as they are in the office. Not.

Choose from the menu.Many people stay mired down in wishing things were different. They aren't. Look at your real options: Have a reasonable co-parenting relationship that benefits you and the children, or have a strife-filled one that makes the children suffer. Don't try to pick "make my ex pay without making the children pay, too" or "never have to see or talk to the other parent(s) again." That's not on the menu.

They're not Kryptonite.Few people want to spend lots of time with an ex-spouse and that person's partner. But doing your utmost to avoid them gives the situation undue power. Have reasonable, brief and respectful contact when necessary or expedient -- then get over it.

Keep the kids out of it.Don't talk negatively about the other parent or ex-spouse to the kids. It makes them uncomfortable, sad and confused. If you can't say something nice, keep silent. Friends are for venting.

Assume benign intent.According to Jill Geisler, an expert on management and leadership issues at the Poynter Institute, studies show that people guess wrong at the motivation or intent behind another's actions about 80 percent of the time. So, since you'll likely be wrong anyway, why not just assume a "nice" motivation? You'll feel better. If the stepmom emails, "Does Suzy have her soccer cleats for the weekend?" You could read the question as a slam on your organizational skills ("Of course she does! I'm not the one who forgot last time!"). Or, you could acknowledge you don't know why she asked and would probably be wrong if you had to guess. Answer the question and go about your day.

To Kathy's list, I would add one more:

Adjust your expectations.You have come into the natural parent's life, her children's lives, likely against her wishes and as the result of a major loss. She might not like you or the kind of parent you are, yet you're around her children when she doesn't get to be. If you're waiting for her to thank you for making healthy meals, or give you points for all the kid transport you do, you'll be waiting a long time. Think about how you would feel. The only thing you're likely to be thanked for is falling off the face of the earth.

I read a version of this tip early on in my stepparenting career, when I sometimes felt unacknowledged. I got over it.

And eventually, something I knew never to expect, happened: I did get a thank you.