End of the Federline

The divorce of Britney and Kevin is the least surprising celebrity breakup since that union of two serial shaggers, Warren Beatty and Madonna. The only real shock is that the Spears/K-Fed marriage lasted for a little over two years – or in other words, her two pregnancies. In hindsight, Britney pretty much used him for stud service, and then once she’d had the regulation two kiddies, it was splitsville. But spare a thought for Kevin. (Just the one, it’s probably all he can cope with.) How would you like being thrown out the door just as soon as you’d finished fathering children? It’s the precursor to every man’s fear: a nightmare world where women no longer need us.

Imagine it. You’re happily married, at least according your PR people. Your rap career – well, it exists, which is more than you deserve. And, if the gossip magazines are to be believed, you pretty much spend your whole time partying with your mates. Sounds like a sweet deal. And it’s one many males would be happy to offer any multi-millionaire ladies who may happen to be reading, incidentally.

Then, right after the birth of your second son, you’re out. It’s over. Britney thinks she can do better. Well actually, everyone thinks she can do better. And worst of all, that irritatingly tight pre-nup means you won’t get much money.

He could mount a custody battle, but come on. Would any court allow impressionable children regular contact with this guy? Imagine the bizarro hand gestures he’d teach them. They’d be ostracised, just like their old man. What an embarrassing clip that is – and really, despite how prolifically he spreads them, you can’t tell me those are great genes.

Actually, in terms of embarrassing links to K-Fed rapping, it gets worse. I reckon this clip is the one that best explains the divorce. Who’d want to be associated with a performance like that in public, let alone introducing him? I’d have called my lawyers while he was still on-stage.

He’s just an awful rapper, as that clip demonstrates – although his dancing’s quite good, if you like ridiculous hip-hop moves. Britney’s been through a lot of shame, but even she has limits. Who knew? I’ve commented on here before about how awful his first single ‘PopoZão‘ is (the translation. “big ass”. just about sums it up). And apparently his just-released record has been an unmitigated disaster. He only sold 6000 copies in the first week, according to Wikipedia, and the album’s been panned.

Plus, he’s having to cancel concerts everywhere. It makes his claims in the ‘Lose control’ single to be in “a whole new tax bracket” seem really laughable. Unless he means he’s unemployed, that is – presumably he was paid something when he danced for Britney.

But as ridiculous as Kevin is, he’s still a brother. A fellow-man. And in his dumping, there is a threat to us all. If Britney’s so clearly better off without him, what’s to stop all the other ladies in the world from kicking us out as soon as they’ve given birth? I mean, that whole social-conservative myth about how kids need two parents isn’t going to last too much longer. I’m sure a child would be better off without a father if that father was responsible for ‘PopoZão’.

How long, then, until women everywhere dump their bums of husbands just because they spend all their time drinking with their mates and releasing embarrassing rap albums? How long until they don’t even bother to marry us, and just call in the stud service when it’s time to have kids?

That said, ladies, if it’s stud service you’re wanting, Kev’s your man. It’s just about the only thing he’s good at. The guy’s now fathered four children in about as many years – his ex Shar was heavily pregnant with their second when the Fedster, then a mere backup dancer instead of the unjustifiably immodest rapper we see today, dumped her for his mega-wealthy, ultrafamous boss.

You heard it here first. Where K-Fed goes, the rest of us men may soon follow. Especially if we humiliate our wives at the Teen Choice Awards.

Dominic Knight

PS Two more funny Federline clips for the road. Here’s renowned actor James Lipton reciting ‘K-Fed Freestyle’ on Conan (as an added bonus he then ‘does’ a beer bong), and Ashton Kutcher’s SNL Federline underwear sketch, if you haven’t seen it before.