Some days are so hard

First, a little background about myself. I am 10 years clean. I barely graduated high school and college will forever be out of the question. I have been to jail. Five years ago, I moved across the country and started working my dream job. Over the last 5 years, I have watched my dream job that was supposed to be the start of a long career turn into a dead end job. I have been a “temp” for 5 years now and my chances of permanently joining the company seem slimmer and slimmer.
Some days are just so hard. Why did I bother to get myself clean and try to become a successful member of society if there is no real chance at a future for me? Why do I continue to do the same thing over and over again thinking I can advance when I am clearly not allowed to. Some days I just want to take my own life. Some days I wish a shooting would occur near me and I catch a stray bullet. Some days I want to cross the street when I don’t have the crosswalk.
I don’t know what to do anymore. I keep going through the motions of my daily routine but I feel more and more dead inside. I don’t know how much longer I can hold on.

Today is another bad day. Today is the kind of day where I can’t help but think that if I never got clean, I wouldn’t have to experience this shitty day.
A new guy started at work today, doing the same job I am. The only difference between him and me is a college education and a piece of paper. He gets to be a permanent employee and get a much higher pay rate and insurance and other benefits. I get his workload and no recognition for my work. He is also Asian and this is an Asian company. Can’t help but wonder if that has anything to do with it.

I think you always have to remember there’s always a way to change your situation regardless of how impossible or daunting it may look. Every successful person has gone through tough times, it makes you who you are today and you have to use the challenges you have faced as positive examples of what you can overcome.

Never give up and as hard as it is, you need to focus on staying positive. College isn’t the only way to improve. You can apply for numerous courses and learning experiences that will not only improve your skills but show potential employers you have the desire to improve and the resolute nature to never give up.