I want to write. I want it more than I can even say. I see these tweets on Twitter where people are like "oh, I wrote 10000 words today" "I wrote 6200 words today" HOW? WHEN? Do you not work? Do you have no responsibilities at home? When does someone find the time to do this? I have SO many things and ideas and stories I want to write. Like I said when I started this blog.... I have things to say. But how does anyone find the time to do it? I am away from my house anywhere from 13 to 15 hours a day, every day, except the weekends and with that kind of schedule do you know what I want to do on the weekends? Nothing. Sleep. That's about it. And in the evenings I have to tidy up the house, do the dishes, laundry, tend to the animals' needs, tend to my husband's needs, which more often than not, I'm just too tired for which is a serious point of contention in the house. I want to be a better housekeeper, a better wife, a better person and a better writer but when... when is there time for 85% of that? I'm so tired. Constantly. Life exhausts me. And oh, I want to lose weight, too. But finding the time to make sure we have all the healthy right food in the house? Let alone exercising? And people say you make time for the important stuff... well, last I checked there were still just 24 hours in a day and I haven't figured out how to MAKE there be more than that and for at least a third of them, IF I'm lucky, I need to sleep or things will just fall apart even more. I don't know what to do really. I'm in a job I hate, I carpool with my husband which takes a million years out of my day. I commute easily an hour and a half each way to and from work. THREE HOURS. If I didn't my round trip would be an hour, at the most. It saves us money, yes, but at what cost? I'm just frustrated and I feel trapped and I don't know what to do. I mean, look, I can't even make paragraphs anymore. This is how everything in my head is, too, just all jumbled together with no hope of finding order. I'm not a miserable person. I'm a happy person. I love my husband and my animals and I can find the joy in most things. But yeah, sometimes, people, THIS is where I am. This mashed up mess of ten thousand things that seem like I should be doing instead of what I AM doing. And for the third time, I just don't know what to do.

Hamlet's Mistress

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

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comments:

"I want to be a better housekeeper, a better wife, a better person..."

I hear you. I so hear you. All of this resonates with me: I feel like there's never enough time to do everything I feel obligated to do (never MIND the stuff I'd *like* to do). I have a pretty damned good life - good job, great family, fantastic friends, an amazing partner - and yet I find myself not as happy as I *think* I SHOULD be and end up beating myself up. And the mashed up mess? Oh, LAWD yes. *sigh*