I pose a question to you dear readers: If you know something about your significant other's past and are okay with it, are you required to tell your family?

My ex had a past that was less than clean. I had found out about it by accident when I went through the state circuit court website. I asked him about it and his response, although it is not necessarily a good thing, was acceptable to me. I went ahead and ignored this issue. However, my dad used the same method and found out what I knew. What happened next was the start of a downward spiral.

Dad considered it all a lie. My ex was lazy and could not do anything right. He would take shortcuts in helping Dad and spent most of the time smoking and none working. Eventually he had enough and we were kicked out. So the grand plan was done. I had given up my job and apartment and done what was asked of me and found myself on the street. Actually, had I been willing to ditch my boyfriend then I would have been all right. But I was young, stupid, and in love.

My Grandparents let us stay with them but I was already starting to crack. A whirlwind of events were beginning. Because of it my new job was starting to falter. My ex was attempting to find work, but needed a car.

He talked me into finding a house instead of finding an apartment. So at the age of 21, with no down payment or money in the bank, I was the owner of a house. The paperwork was far too easy to have go through.

Less than a month after the paperwork was signed, I lost my job. My ex caused that, he had managed to talk a friend into lending him the money for a car and he used his free time that should have been finding a job to come bother me at work. It was used in a list of offenses that were false.

I was facing huge loans and a house and no money coming in. This led to a year of temp jobs and working retail. I still was not snapping out of the delusion though.

For my part, I travel not to go anywhere, but to go. I travel for travel's sake. The great affair is to move.

~Robert Louis Stevenson

Three months is a pretty good amount of time to gauge a partner. It is fair to say that my relationship was not healthy and if I were to remain sane I should end it. Two things prevented this: 1 I was incredibly stubborn and did not believe that I could be wrong, with a little effort I could make it work; and 2 Dad wanted to move.

After school I came back to the midwest. Why I would give up the warmth of the desert for the chilly winters can be answered in one word: Family. I had spent nearly two years away from everyone I had ever known. Even though I had made friends, some of which are with me still, I wanted the comfort of those who knew me from birth. However, I ended up getting bed-ridden sick for five months after my return and it took some recovery time before I could find a job. When I did it was 100 miles from home. I spent three months traveling back and forth before I could afford an apartment.

I had established myself. The job was rocky and I was a rookie and a girl in a male dominated field. It was not smooth sailing but I was eeking out my exsistance. I was nearing a year with the job when wanderlust hit Dad. He was tired of life around here. He wanted to go WEST. He wasn't happy being alone, running his business and having no one there. So he had a plan. I and my boyfriend would move back home. I would get a job at the local dealership, buy the house and the boyfriend would buy out Dad's business.

This was three months into the relationship. This plan required a lot sacrifice and cementing. As the dutiful daughter I did it. I packed up my apartment, broke my lease, quit my job (after securing one at the local dealership), and the two of us moved home. This situation does not make it easy to end a relationship. The guy gave up his life and family to move the 100 miles to be with me. What girl doesn't see the sacrifice? How does that not cement the idea that this is meant to be?

We always deceive ourselves twice about the people we love- first to their advantage, then to their disadvantage.~Albert CamusThe next few entries are going to be some of the hardest for me. I'm going to be admitting to being incredibly stupid and naive. I am hoping that those reading this will gain something from it and hopefully be able to avoid making some of my mistakes in their own relationships.

Arguably the first three months were the best of the forty-two months we were together. It was all sparkling clean and new. Finally someone saw me as a woman. More like someone saw me as a love-lorn sucker.

Some things to note: he had just ended a relationship with a long-term girlfriend meaning I was rebound. He did not have his license or a car; too many speeding and/or parking tickets. He did not have a job. The reasoning behind this one was puzzling. The story I was given is as follows:

He did everything for his ex. He paid all the bills, bought her whatever she wanted, treated her like a queen. He got sick of doing this so he quit his job so she would get off her butt and do something. Looking back at this I see how incredibly naive I was to think this was remotely a good thing.

But I was giddy with fresh love and willing to overlook all of these 'minor' things. Who knew if it would even last?

So the days fell into a routine. I would leave for work in the morning and he would either leave with me or I'd go home at lunch to let him out. Yep, instead of letting the dog out on break I was letting the boyfriend out. *facepalm* I would then get done with work around six and we would meet in the parking lot of a local bank. He didn't have a phone either, so I never had a way to get in contact with him. So it was a thrilling anticipation of whether or not he would show or if I was to be alone that marked my evening drive home. Sadly, this is a feeling that I've associated with relationships and am becoming more and more disappointed.

Then we'd go back to my apartment and watch movies. Occasionally we'd go out to eat or go shopping. All these excursions paid for by yours truly. He kept telling me that in his time between leaving my apt and returning he was searching for a job and without seeing proof, such as an application, I believed him. Eventually he talked me into getting an additional line for my cell phone to make it easier to contact. The desperation that I spoke of in one of the High School entries was coming out. I was blind to all the manipulation that was being played on me hard core.

During this time there were still dealings with his ex. She was supposedly pregnant and considering an abortion and wanted him to pay. After claiming no money she went away and admitted to having slept with someone else so it probably wasn't his.

All this I turned a blind eye to. I had a very odd since of what a relationship was supposed to be. I thought that if you toughed it out and stuck through the hard stuff it would get better and you'd be doubly rewarded for it. >.< Not quite the case because if I knew what would come I'd have left him at the mall the first night.

My apartment was above a strip mall and there was a gaming place in that mall. He started disappearing and going there for hours. Some nights he wasn't coming back to the apt. I started to get crazy wondering what I was doing wrong. He finally admitted that he had started drinking again. The one thing he did right was not come by intoxicated.

Then a new problem popped up. In a weird circular fashion, the owner of the gaming shop went to the same high school as me. Yup, 100 miles from home and still found someone from my small town roots. He was older and I never knew him from school but we had mutual friends. Well, the owner had some issues that resulted in an arrest and a bunch of people stayed at the shop while he was away, including his girlfriend. This chick was really pretty and I knew the boy liked her. She first claimed they had sex then claimed rape. Either way, it led to this guy using the back steps of the shop up to my apartment and pretty much invading my home to make threats.

I still don't know the truth of the story. I don't know if he cheated on me with her; I doubt it was rape she was known for her stories and there were other people present. He claimed he was too drunk to do anything anyway. The worst part of this? The fact that I wondered what was wrong with me that he would look elsewhere...

The Scene: Outside the local mall. It is a drizzly fall day. The leaves have long left the trees and winter is around the corner, but still a month or so before the snow is ready to fall.

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The Cast:

The Girl: just off of work and going to return a shirt that runs a little small. She hasn't even taken the time to get out of her work shirt because it should only be a simple exchange.

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The Boy: dumped earlier that morning by his previous fiance with nothing better to do than hang out in front of the mall smoking a cigarette.

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The Girl approaches the mall quickly trying to avoid the few rain drops that are beginning. It is still warm enough to go without a jacket but the breeze is starting as evening sets in. As she makes her way to the entrance her eyes meet those of the Boy and she finds she cannot look away. They smile at each other and he comments on the weather. She returns with some witty remark and the connection is made.

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He enters the mall with her and they go to return the shirt. What follows is several hours of giddiness going around the mall. The Girl is amazed at how easy this all is. How easily she gets along with the Boy and he seems genuinely interested in her. All the red flags about his previous relationship are nothing to her because he sees her.

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If only she understood what he really sees. If only I knew what was meant to follow. And so the euphoria of the night was not to end. For the first time someone looked at me as a woman and I went with it. I actually met his mother the same night I meant him. The steps of courtship blown away and if I'd been smart, I'd have left him at his mother's but that was not how it was written and on that night the next three years began.

The luck of having talent is not enough; one must also have a talent for luck.

~Hector Berlioz

As I said in Resolute Girl I'm currently reading a book I never intended to read. It runs about 500 pages and is teen fiction. This honestly should be an easy read, and in aspects it is. I've gotten through the first 300 pages with little problem, except one: It is incrediblyaggravating! I feel nothing for the female lead except contempt. If she were real I would wonder what was wrong with her. She is snobby and self-absorbed. The outside world means nothing to her and she finds and equally distant boy and all the troubles of the world are solved.

I have talked with friends who adore this book. One says it is because she was an angsty teen and she can relate. I just do not see how and I think this is the real issue I have with this book. It focuses on the part of the psyche that says you are not good enough. Everyone has been there. I have been there! Instead of solving this issue though this book just keeps the character in that role of insecurity. It does not advance her. It does not get her to a better place. Suddenly the stud of the campus is overly obsessive with her and despite the danger she goes all in.

But that is the way of it isn't it? You fall head over heels for the first person who looks your way and no one can keep you from them. Even when they are hurting you in so many ways, emotionally, physically, mentally, financially, etc... Maybe that's the real problem I have, it does hit home.

However, why is such things hitting the press? Aren't we beyond this as a society? Shouldn't we be teaching teens about heading out on their own? That it is okay to do things alone and learn to be yourself before turning to a lover to complete you? Self-reliance and growth are lacking and why shouldn't they be? If we spend our days reading about these obsessive, co-dependant relationships is it any surprise that that's what we grow to expect?

Maybe part of it is jealousy as an author. There have been several series that have come out of late that make me wonder, how the hell does this make it to an editor when I can't even get a nod? I'm not the only one though, I'm sure that's the thoughts of every struggling author out there, but I'd love to understand what the spark is that causes these books to go into print and warrant equally dreadful sequels.

Welcome!

Welcome to my little part of the blogosphere. I started this blog for the express purpose of proving that no matter what happens in life, you are not alone. I am sharing my stories from my school days, dating disasters, and personal trials.