Here's What Happened At the Anti-Roy Moore Conspiracy Meeting

Roy Moore spokeswoman confirms that she thinks the accusations against Moore are result of a conspiracy involving the Washington Post, George Soros, the DNC, Mitch McConnell, mainstream Republicans, homosexuals, transgender people & criminals, among others pic.twitter.com/NhmhvsOZT3

Embattled Senate candidate Roy Moore of Alabama has spent the last month or so fending off stories and accusations of inappropriate sexual contact with teenage women - stories his campaign has wavered between outright denying and offering half-hearted explanations for. Their excuses have ranged between the women are all liars, that they're being paid to hurt his campaign, or that he usually didn't date teenagers (but may have slipped up a few times).

Now, Moore's representatives (and Moore himself) are claiming a widescale conspiracy theory against his campaign as being responsible for the onslaught of accusations. And in fact, we've been able to acquire an excerpt from the secret conspiracy meeting that led to this. This should clear up any misconceptions you have around the story:

Washington Post

Hey everyone, let's bring this meeting to order.

George Soros

One second, just finishing up something here.

[George Soros personally performs 12 abortions at once]

George Soros

Okay guys, I'm ready to start.

The Homosexuals

About time, George!

Transgender People

Can we hurry this up? We've all got to do SICKO THINGS in bathrooms across the country.

Criminals

Yeah, we've got some crimes to get to, since we're criminals.

Mitch McConnell

Okay, so first things first, how do we stop genius patriot and constitutional conservative Judge Roy Moore from his easy path to victory?

The DNC

A good Christian man with that much integrity and patriotism? There's no way to stop such an American hero.