Let It Be

Haven’t tried ‘em. Don’t intend to. The guy who perpetrated this heinous act upon AMERICA should consider himself incredibly lucky that I do not personally hold any sway whatsoever over the hiring and FIRING practices at Nabisco. On account of IF I DID, he would so be given the bum’s rush out the door. Indeed, I daresay I would personally escort him OFF the premises, no doubt hurling epithets in his direction erstwhile.

There are, after all, Sacred Things in this world — things that come as close to perfect as anything can reasonably expect to, this side of Heaven anyway. And those things —precious few they are — ORT to be left alone. Things That Come as Close to Perfect as Anything Can Reasonably Expect to, This Side of Heaven do NOT, by definition, need “improving.”

When something has been As Close to Perfect as Anything Can Reasonably Expect to Be, this side of Heaven, for 101 years, and Americans have been buying and eating them by the proverbial boatload since Day One, well, I think we can safely say the company could definitely assume that it has found a winner.

Such things don’t need to be different in any way. Nobody is clamoring for a variation. Nobody. There was no spontaneous write-in campaign begging for this, I guarantee you. I frankly can think of no justification for What Has Happened. I cannot begin to imagine the pitch meeting in which this guy actually voiced this idea OUT LOUD to a roomful of loyal Nabisco personnel (well, I suppose I can imagine it but I can’t imagine that, when he finished speaking, he wasn’t picked up by his heels and flung out the nearest — and/or highest — window).

What I really cannot begin to imagine is that, upon hearing this completely disgusting suggestion, apparently a roomful of loyal Nabisco folks gave it the green light, and it went all the way from merely an appalling thought to an actual revolting product taking up space on our grocers’ shelves. So, clearly, I need to clean the upper floors of the Nabisco house if I ever succeed in seizing control of it.

My reaction to this development is not unlike my feelings about vocalists who cannot resist assaulting us with their personal “renditions” of “The Star Spangled Banner” at sporting events. It is galling to hear our beloved anthem sung as jazz, funeral dirge or rap. It needs to be sung in such a way that everybody in the place can — and does — join in, and it needs to be sung LOUD and PROUD. As I said, SOME THINGS don’t NEED improvement or variation.

So, I’ll thank you to LEAVE MY OREOS ALONE. I need them to be dark brown chocolate on two sides with white vanilla crème in the middle. Period. The end. I am not personally enticed by the Double Stuf, but I am not offended by it and I would not think less of a consumer of those.

But, a WATERMELON Oreo …? Don’t even talk to me about it. It ain’t natural. It ain’t fittin’ and I will un-friend you on Facebook so fast!