Last night I emailed my finished manuscript to my editor in New York, and then I drove downtown, took off all my clothes and ran naked through Temple Square. There was no other appropriate response. Except maybe I should have taped some sparklers to my boobs. [making mental note for future instances of streaking]

I’m not sure what I want to do with the next hour of my life, or even the next ten minutes. I COULD DO ANYTHING. I mean, this whole process started three years ago, and it got really intense a year ago when the deadlines were written in ink on a contract, and since then every single minute of my life has been heavy with the thought of those deadlines. I felt guilty if I took five minutes to read a magazine because I should have been using those five minutes to write my book. I felt like I was walking around with a 500-pound llama sitting on my face, and it hadn’t bathed in several weeks.

So I know it’s not over, because this is when the work really begins, when my editor takes his red pen to the Word document and starts crossing out entire paragraphs and makes notes in the margin like, “YOU ARE DUMB,” or, “SIT ON IT.” But just making it this far was so thrilling that last night I turned to Jon and said, you know what? Tomorrow I’m going to take an entire hour and organize my sock drawer! AND I’M NOT EVEN GOING TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT IT. That’s how out of control I was.

The following paragraph seems out of context, but trust me, it will all make sense and we will hug at the end.

There’s this show on MTV called “Rob and Big,” and I know there’s nothing more annoying than hearing someone talking about a television show you don’t watch, except maybe having to sit there while someone tells you about the dream they had last night, but pay attention because this is important. Rob is this tiny professional skateboarder who lives in LA and Big is his huge bodyguard, and the show follows them around as they do every stupid thing a 14-year-old boy wishes he could do if only he had the money. And it is our favorite show on television, and one night we’re sitting there watching it unable to breathe because we’re laughing so hard, and I’m all, I’M NOT SUPPOSED TO FIND THIS FUNNY. What is wrong with me? I didn’t like 14-year-old boys when I was a 14-year-old girl, so why was I identifying with this show now? I totally wanted to break up with me.

There’s one specific episode where the two of them are driving through a car wash and an Enrique Iglesias song comes on, and Rob reaches down and turns the car stereo up as loud as it will go and starts singing along like crazy, as if he had written the song himself, and he’s moving his arms to the rhythm like a lunatic. And Big is sitting in the passenger seat, perfectly calm, quietly mouthing the words, nodding his head almost imperceptibly. Jon paused the show and said, this is it, this is why we love this show so much. THAT IS OUR MARRIAGE RIGHT THERE.

It was like a truckload of bricks fell on top of my head. He was exactly right. And if you’ve ever wondered what it’s like in our house on a day-to-day basis, all you have to do is turn on that show, watch Rob come up with some deranged scheme, like I KNOW! Let’s go buy a miniature horse and let it live in our living room! And Big will nod, scratch his chin, maybe shrug his shoulders just a tiny bit, and say, whatever, I only work here.

So last night I downloaded that specific Enrique Iglesias song the second I was done with my manuscript and then went nuts with my set of propellor arms in the kitchen while Jon stood in the corner and bobbed his head to the rhythm. Leta joined me on the dance floor, and Chuck and Coco just wandered around in manic circles like, I don’t know what’s going on, but maybe this is what happens right before bacon falls out of the sky.

Related:

Please tell me you are going to dress up in a fat suit and try to go skateboarding. Or drive up to spidey and net gun his ass after he dumped coffee on your car. Rob and Big is the only thing getting me through grad school right now!

Also, congrats! Sock drawers are definitely a high priority.

http://mitchmcdad.com/ Mitch McDad

Congrats on finishing the manuscript. I know how much work it is. You should be proud of yourself.

http://www.iwrotethat.wordpress.com Mariah

identifiying with rob & big isn’t a bad thing! we love them in our house. my 14 yr old son and i watch it all the time wishing we had our own mini horse and drama!!

congrats on all those words, on paper no less (or soon to be).

Sarah

The best part of the entire episode is when they get to the end of the car show and they’re like, “Never tell anyone about that, right?”

I LOVE THAT SHOW.
My husband and I call everyone Dirty Girls For Life.

J

I’d be rolling my eyes right now, like oh yeah sure life imitating tv again… if those eyes had not witnessed Rob and Big and their ‘little tiny baby mini horse’

soooo funnnny….

http://stampfl.blogspot.com/ CSI Seattle

Excellent!! I can’t wait to read your new book. See you on the best seller list.

http://aimmemotion.blogspot.com Melly

Jonâ€”your bodyguard.

Yay on the manuscript!

http://julieitis.blogspot.com Julie

Nodding in the corner… congrats!

Kristi

Rob and Big. BEST SHOW. EVER. The episode when Big got the XL donut because that’s how big people roll. Hilarious.

OCMama Lisa

I’m not sure if you will even see me wayyyyyy down here at #301 but congrats Heather. Corny or not, I am proud of you too. You are a talented, amazing writer and I cannot wait for your book to hit the shelves. You will be doing signings right?? Please? Because while some girls have dreams of meeting Oprah, I have dreams of meeting you. We can run naked with sparklers on our boobies. It’ll be awesome!

http://verygeorge.com GEORGE!

DO YOU KNOW WHAT FEELS LIIIIIIIIIKE LOVING SOMEONE?

Almost as good as the net gun.

See you tomorrow!

shannon

First!

http://canknitian.blogspot.com canknitian

CONGRATULATIONS!!!!

http://cowjumpmoon.blogspot.com Shalini

Please tell me you will link to the book once it’s published and for sale. I am so very EXCITED to read it. I can’t get enough of your site, I’m a dooce addict, and I don’t want to get clean.

And Bacon…..mmmmmm bacon!

http://www.mylakent.com myla

Much love and congratulations to you, dear Heather. {{hugs}}

http://www.tele-smart.com/blog Josiane Feigon

Heather,
You rock, I love your writing and the world needs to hear about you. Congrats!

http://www.twodogsrunningsouth.blogspot.com/ Anonymous

Were you wearing sparklers on your boobs while dancing?

Emily

Addie

Well done! I have to say, you have the longest, skinniest arms I’ve seen in a very long time. Lucky bitch.

Thanks for being a bright spot in my day…because laughing out loud at my computer doesn’t make me look crazy AT ALL.

The CatWoman

Oh. My. God. My husband and I, both forty-something, were watching that same episode, along with our 17 year-old daughter who was sprawled in the floor in front of the couch. I was DYING – tears steaming, gasping for air, and my wonderful sig other was grinning like an idiot, bobbing his head along with big. The daughter looked up at us and said, “this is why my friends love to come to our house. You two are totally wacked.” Sorta summed up how we’ve managed 22 years together.

Joanna

Mazel tov! For both bloggies and book! I don’t get cable, so I had never heard of Rob and Big, but I did write a book once, and that is exactly what it felt like for the last year: guilt if I did anything else and then insane joy when I finished.

http://thelightersideofgrowingup.typepad.com Ashley

can’t wait to read it.

not that i know you or jon personally, but reading both your blogs AND having (ashamed to admit) watched that show, i can totally see what you are talking about.

http://www.zionide.com Nick

I read the first four sentences of this post aloud to Patrick, my boyfriend, and he–in all seriousness–said, “Really?! Didn’t she get in trouble?”

I played along because it was so easy.

“Yeah! It was on the news,” I said. “You should have seen Nadine Wimmer when she was quoting Heather and had to say ‘sparklers’ and ‘boobs’ in the same sentence.”

That is a perfect illustration of our relationship.

Then Patrick came over to my computer, hoping for photos of the event.

See, even the gays are starting to hound you for topless photos of yourself. Now you know you’ve really made it to the big time.
Congrats!

I think the theme song should describe every marriage. Oh, and congratulations, Son!

http://sveedish.blogspot.com Eva

Congrats Heather. You make us all so very proud. I’m sending you a pair of boob sparklers first thing tomorrow. Don’t forget to bring your camera the next time you find yourself in this “Temple Square” place that you speak of!

http://www.shelikespurple.com She Likes Purple

Those who haven’t seen the show are going to think you made up the mini-horse situation as an example. But, NO, they actually bought a mini-horse. And, oh my gosh, we love that show, too.

Super big congrats on finishing the MS.

shana

I LOVE that show! I like how at the end of that scene Rob said “Don’t tell anyone about that.” Good stuff. Also, where would one find this SKY BACON?

Hey, congrats on the book

http://bigpikchur.blogspot.com Jules

Congratulations!
That opening scene of Rob & Big is one of my favorite moments in the entire series so far. My friends & I all want to hang out with them, and we’re all in our early 30′s!

http://www.myfunnyfunnyfamily.com Carrie

Despite the millions of words I have gotten from you for free, I cannot wait to buy this book.

Jen

I LOVE ROB AND BIG! Big’s funny eye freaks me out sometimes, but I love it! Fav episode is Big’s family reunion! I even watch it online I love it so much. I even entered a little contest to get to meet them, obviously I didn’t win!
Here’s the kicker….I am 29 years old! LOL
Congrats on getting your book in!

http://kimblahg.com kimblahg

thank you for validating my complete love of rob and big. that and america’s best dance crew are such embarassing shows to love but the heart wants what it wants. big congrats on finishing the manuscript- that is so huge. think of how many people have “write a book” on their “to do before dying” lists and you can put a big ol’ check mark next to it.

http://modadimagno.blogspot.com Moda di Magno

Heather congratulations!

Take a deep breath and enjoy the moment – for we who have lived past the age of beer & Cheerios know the next freight train will be by momentarily.

Looking forward to the book!

-Lori

Kristan

I think I want to be you when I grow up.

Congrats, and thanks for the hilarious post!

I only started reading a few days ago, but I feel like I’ve wasted so much time. Where has Chuck been all my life?!

http://huggingthemidline.com Missy k

Oh man, I TOTALLY use the word-count feature whenever I’m writing something on deadline. It’s the only way I get through sometimes — okay, only 500 words to go…now 487…now 423!…

Justin

I CAN NOT WAIT TO READ IT. You totally rock, and if you were ever to put on a reading in Boise I would be there and totally bring a bra with me to throw at you. Maybe even panties, but don’t push your luck. My wife would probably wonder why I am sneaking off with her underwear.

Rhea

So many congratulations i’m sending your way!

http://www.evanzstox.com/ Stephanie

Naked? AND in Temple Square?

Butâ€¦

you could be like excommunicated

or something serious.

http://lizindublin.blogspot.com Liz

Congratulations! I look forward to getting my hands on it- make sure it’s available overseas.

http://www.evanzstox.com/ Stephanie

Naked? AND in Temple Square?

Butâ€¦

you could be like excommunicated

or something serious.

Shannon

You’re so cool Heather. I can’t wait to buy your book! I wish you so much success!

Anonymous

dude, i will forever read this website now (like i wasn’t already reading it every day & checking 3 times a day for updates), but only because you love rob & big as much as i do! my fiancee and i are ALWAYS telling people about that show. i wanted to scream with glee when you said it was your favorite show, too, because you’re one of the coolest people on the internet. rob & big need a blog.

http://juliatylerfoodblog.wordpress.com Julia

We love that show!!! Mostly because I am obsessed with English Bulldogs, so I adore their dog Meaty. I jumped around the room clapping like a freak when they taught Meaty to skateboard. I even got my dad hooked on that show! Big cracks my shit up.

Noemi

Congrats!

My twin sister and I have the same relationship lol

http://www.onetime-oneplace.blogspot.com Kristin C

I think you totally just hit the nail on the head. You have verbalized the very reasons why I too, LOVE Rob & Big. Since I started watching it’s been a mystery…why in the hell am I IN LOVE with this show..and Mini-horse..and meaty…and Rob’s infectious laughter? It’s because it is a window into life at our house…and we can totally relate.

Anyhow, congratulations on sending your manusscipt in. I will be one of the first to buy your book when it’s published. Until then…enjoy your free time and sock drawer organization!

http://www.ozma.blogs.com Ozma

CONGRATULATIONS.

I have to write for my work. Trying to finish deadlines and turn in that crap is my life. So basically, you just described my life forever. Right there, what you said about the magazine. The five minutes. I remember being excited when I was about to give birth because I figured that might be a time when I wasn’t going to feel guilty for not writing. But I did anyway.

Every Rob needs a Bob. Not that I’ve ever seen this show. But that chemistry is a good one for a marriage. I’m a Rob but it can go either way.

http://www.missoj.com Claire

Delurking to say, congratulations on finishing the manuscript! That’s so exciting.

And also, hey, who hasn’t wanted a pony who will live in the living room? I ask my roommate for one all the time. She always says no…

http://www.myspace.com/kiminchrg kiminchrg

Girl – I’m so proud of you!!! When I first heard you had a book coming soon – I told everyone. And it’s cool that I can say – I knew you when… You are doing so well… I have gotten several people at work hooked on your blog. Congratulations!! Nerds Unite!!! Oh – and i just bought a dooce shirt so I can advertise your blog right across my chest – which seems to be the main place most guys look anyway… lol. Anyway – next time you make it to the hellhole we call Memphis – look me up.

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