James Bond resigns from MI5: too much paperwork

James Bond, the secret agent formerly known as 007, has resigned from MI5, citing excessive paperwork and boring villan's lairs as making his life as a government assassin unbearable.

He said "When I started out as killer for the UK goverment, I was given a gun and allowed to kill anyone I liked. I fought the real supervillians, who built rocket launching sites inside volcanoes, supertankers that swallowed submarines, space stations and the like -most of them with monorails. On the way, I could have unprotected sex with any woman I fancied.

The assassination of Obama bin Laden shows how frustrating having a license to kill has become.

First, the paperwork: all the forms, presidential and prime minister approval. How can I kill evil henchmen when I first have to take a photograph, and submit it on a web form along with a justification, then wait for three levels or approval? Some of the places I have to go don't have decent network connectivity!

Secondly, the lairs. No volcanoes, no space stations. Surbuban houses in suburban towns with no decent nightlife. And no monorails! Where is the excitement in killing people in backwater suburbs when you have to walk round once you get there?

Finally, the women. It's not just that that in today's conflict zones they wear burkas and adultery is punished by stoning - a lot of them don't fancy me any more, it's that it's really hard to get your end up when you know that it's not just Obama and Cameron watching you on your headcam, it's Hilary Clinton. She keeps giving me instructions to the headset about effective foreplay. I am a spy trying to save the world -I don't have time for foreplay! It was better when her husband was in charge, believe me!"

Mr Bond will now be retiring to a small cottage built under a false lake in Japan, to finish his book "best monorails for baddies".