February 3rd

Today I extracted a computer mouse that had been flushed down the toilet. The USB cord had been carefully tied around the seat, which while confusing, was appreciated, otherwise it might have blocked the whole piping system.

I asked Gary from Maintenance and Janitorial, if it was technically the responsibility of I.T. to pull items out of a backed-up toilet. John Perkins, the manager from Tax Analysis, who had finished washing his hands but was clearly listening in, came over to see if he could … manage, I presume.

“What’s the issue?” asked Perkins. Perkins’ face looks like he’s permanently holding his breath. I can always see a lot of veins.

“There is a mouse blocking the toilet.” I replied.

Gary spoke up: “Yeah, you see, but what is said object what is blocking up said toilet hole?”

I said that it was evidently a mouse, as I had previously mentioned.

Gary always spoke like this. His tone reminds me of old beige-toned detective drama re-runs where they’re questioning a suspect in a small windowless room.

“Well there you go then. Said object is a mouse. Said mice come from I.T., so I.T. cleans it up. It’s the rules.”

Perkins nodded sagely in agreement.

I suggested that by that line of thinking, that it should have been Accounting that had removed all those tax documents I had found jammed round the toilet s-bend some weeks ago. Perkins gave me a sharp look and quickly left the restroom.

Gary folded his arms and mumbled something about ‘hands are tied’ and ‘union procedures’ and left the room too.

I removed the mouse, as well as three dollars in quarters, four plastic toy soldiers and a small bag containing some white powder, which is probably sugar. I placed the items on the table outside the men’s bathroom. The small bag of sugar was claimed in the time it took me to wash my hands.