to the woman who is waiting

March 28, 2016

This baby I’m growing inside of me still has 6+ weeks to go, and I feel like he’s running out of room. Every move he’s made today has been painful. And as we started closing in on my toddler’s bedtime, I wondered how many more times my tired body could bend over and pick her up tonight.

I picked her up one last time and carried her to her room where we began our bedtime routine. Every night, I stand next to her crib holding her on the front of my body, her head resting on my shoulder. I sway from side to side, sing Jesus Loves Me, and pray over her. But tonight…I didn’t have it in me. The weight of her ever-growing body was too much for my ever-growing belly to hold. I started to put her down in her crib, and she cried. She knew I was breaking routine. She wasn’t ready yet. What she didn’t know is how much her mama was hurting.

I pulled her back close to me and fought through the pain. To be honest, I didn’t want to hold her anymore. It was killing my stomach to hold her there. But she needed me. But me? I was uncomfortable and exhausted and just wanted to take off my Mama hat for the night.

And that’s when it hit me. Just like it does every single time. Like a ton of bricks being thrown at my gut, my mind is flooded with your faces, your words, and even your silence. There’s something I’ve been wanting to say to you for a long time, and I just haven’t known how to say it. But here is my best attempt at what my heart wants to say to your heart. You.

To the Woman who is waiting,

Every time I catch myself wanting to complain about motherhood, I think of you. I really do. Maybe it’s because you are my sister, and it hits close to home. Maybe it’s because ever since I got married and the idea of motherhood became more real to me, I started seeing you everywhere. Maybe it’s because ever since I had a baby of my own, I can’t imagine how you must feel waiting so eagerly to experience it for yourself. Or maybe it’s because you are some of my closest friends and I can practically hear your pain through your silence.

I hear people complain about how pregnancy is an inconvenience. I read Facebook statuses of expecting mothers complaining about the awful symptoms they’re facing. Heartburn, back pain, swelling, clothes that no longer fit. They just want it all to end. I hear the mom telling her story of how she found out she was pregnant with number three, four, or five and cried because she didn’t want anymore kids. This baby was a surprise, or even an “accident.” (But we all know that isn’t true.) I see the trendy shirts being sold online flaunting motherhood and all of it’s glory. I get it. Pregnancy is hard. It’s tempting to complain. It’s part of our human (selfish) nature. I’m guilty myself.

But I also see you.

The woman who would give anything to “suffer” through those symptoms. The woman who would gladly take the “unwanted” baby and love her with all she has. The woman who dreams of the day she can proudly wear that Mom shirt. The woman whose heart is stung once again every time she finds out yet another friend is expecting. The woman who has been told her body is “broken.” The woman who has experienced both the joy of finding out she is growing a human being inside of her and the unexplainable heartache of finding out that precious life is gone.

Sister, my heart hurts for you. I really, really mean that.

On behalf of moms all over the world, can I apologize?

I’m sorry for complaining to you about losing sleep at night because of the baby without considering that you yourself are losing sleep at night wishing you had a baby to tend to at 2am.

I’m sorry for the insensitive comments I’ve made like, “You wouldn’t understand. You’re not a mom.” or “Be glad you don’t have kids yet.” Because the truth that I’m not recognizing is that you want nothing more than to be a mommy.

I’m sorry for asking, “When are you going to have a baby already?” without even realizing what a struggle you’re facing and how painful it is to hear that question over and over and over.

Infertility and miscarriages are two things I will never understand. Both break my heart into pieces. It’s simply not fair that babies are born every single day to mothers who are too selfish to love and care for them, yet millions of deserving women around the world would give up everything they have to just have a baby to call their own, a human life to nurture, a child to raise.

I wish I had the answers for you. I wish I had the power to change your circumstance. I wish there was more I could do for you. But the reality is…I don’t. And there’s not. I won’t sit here and pretend I can explain why you’re facing what you’re facing. I won’t take up more of your time saying things you’ve already heard many times before. While they’re meaningful and true, I know you sometimes get tired of hearing things like, “Trust God’s timing.” and “Have faith, keep praying.” and “Believe God for healing.” You already know to do those things, but doesn’t everyone get that they’re much easier said than done?

I would guess that every once in a while, you just want someone to say, “I’m sorry.” So that’s what I want to say to you today.

Lindsay, another day that is really hard is mother’s day. People don’t intentionally say things that hurt. I get that. You go to church and the greater says, ” happy Mother’s Day” to all the women coming into church. Some churches have the mothers stand, or they get a flower. you go out to eat and the server says “happy mother’s day do you get the discount?” facebook is full of mother’s day stuff. As far as that goes, father’s day is just as bad. we find it easier to skip church on both of those days. we love that you have kids and are glad you are not going through what we went through. You are right there are no answers that make sense on these things, but we know that Jesus has the answers and he gives us a peace.

Yes, so true! The mother’s day after a miscarriage and an infant loss I was asked to lead a “mother’s Day kids choir”. The most healing expression for me was attending a church where all women were remembered. Those of us who had lost and those who were celebrating. I always found it unfortunate the staying away from church was my best option on this day. It was so special, although difficult, for a church to remember me. To know that while I was happy for all others, my heart hurt. This church actually took time out to pray specifically for hurting moms, moms who had suffered loss, and mommies who were yet to be. It was a beautiful picture of Romans 12:15 – REjoice with those who Rejoice, mourn with those who mourn. And by the way – I testify of God’s Faithfulness! Today I have two healthy children, God does not forget the heart that cries for children. Psalm 113:9-He settles the childless woman in her home as the Happy Mother of Children! Praise the Lord!

Thanks A lot.. i DONT HAVE ANYTHING ELSE TO SAY.
U SORT OF FREED ME TODAY.
just heard the news of my brother’s wife’s pregnancy n was feeling so guilty that i was not happy for him.I dont really know hat to do whom to turn to.
ur words soothed me a bit.
thanks..

This post is amazing Lindsay! Seriously. It took us way longer than expected to get pregnant and I began to feel a hint of what some yearning friends experience. Thank you for writing this, and for your vulnerability. And the simple words, “im sorry.”

This post makes me appreciate my job as a mom. And it gets hard at times, really hard. But we must be thankful even in the hard times. Frankly, there is a woman wishing to have my hard times whether their child has special needs or the mother is childless. This was a jab in my hard as I said within myself Lord please help me get a break today because I am so tired and I want to sleep. When my children need me I am there. I don’t sleep well because there is always one child that needs me at night. And they can count on me for comfort. It’s a blessing to be a blessing to the little ones. Now I am crying…thanks for the post.

tHANK you for recognizing how much all these things hurt us. I am glad that someone else “gets it” and is brave enough to have the courage to say i’m sorry. this post meant a lot to me personally. it also really encouraged me and reminded me that i am not alone.

I, LIKE SO many others simply want to say “thank you” for this post.
People don’t mean to be insensitive, or complain. As you said, it is our human nature often. As mothers, I know the job is endless, and tiresome, so I know your vents and complaints are on Ernest. As family and friends, you only want what’s best for us, and you are excited for a nice, nephew, grandchild, or just to share our joy. We get that.
But the pain is so real when YOUR body betrays you in this way. You often feel invisible. Often, all you want is someone to acknowledge you pain and see you.
Thank you for noticing. Thank you for opening your heart and mind to what we go through.

Tears streamed down my face while reading this. Don and I are coming up on a year of trying to get pregnant, and the little things are finally starting to get to me. People say things like, “You just have to relax and not think about it,” or, “It’ll happen–God’s timing is not our timing.” Like you said, I know that already, and that isn’t what I want or need to hear. Thank you for sharing–I needed this today.

A feeling i knew all too well and thanKful for you speaking on it and reminding me to enjoy every tiring moment because i was that woman last year and the year before that and the year before that etc, waiting for my turn while i heard Other mommas complain or tell me “im not a momma yet so i dont Understand” So thank you.

This is wonderful. I am guilty of having negative thoughts in my head when i am around women who are desperate for children, thinking the things you did with concern to lack of sleep, freedom, etc. the grass is always greener on the other side, but it truly is a blessing to have children, and i must not grumble and complain about what comes with being a mother at times. these things are experienced by all mothers and are perfectly normal.

This is the most beautiful, empathetic piece of writing. I feel misunderstood all the time, and I’m constantly broken by how few people I feel like can empathize. This coming from a woman who has never been through this is the most powerful thing I have ever read.
Thank you! You are such an incredible woman.