Mel Wilde: Have a happy flight

As a frequent flier, nothing comes across as more silly to me than the United States’ response to the latest terrorists bomb attempt.

The truth is I’ve heard so many warm fuzzy meaningless words from President Obama and his officials, I’m disgusted. So…I thought I would take an irreverent look at what I have heard.

The first major organizational change will enhance cooperation between the FBI and CIA at the senior level. A new directorate will be immediately established and shall be called the LAGAAT group. (Let’s all get along and talk group)

This new agency group will have a transparent set of on going meetings and will be broadcast on C-Span. (No more secret meetings)

The second important change will be the re-naming and re-focusing of the office of Homeland Security. Henceforth that organization will be called the office to research

possible systemic failures. (ORPSF).

It’s important that we don’t focus on who the enemy really is and goodness…lets not start a war!

The third major change will be to create the office of incremental procurement. (OIC).

The focus and challenge for this group is to ensure the identification and procurement of new technology to improve security following each incident.

We must have a technological gadget oriented security system rather than a human based system. Why use intelligence when we can use a keyboard or a mouse?

You will recall that we began the removal and inspection of shoes after the “Shoe bomber” incident and x-ray of luggage after the Lockerby incident. Henceforth, every passenger must present their underwear for inspection.

Because of public criticism with regard to lengthy response time, each agency will now be required to have an office of “cell phone” availability. We can no longer use the excuse that we are busy, when out golfing or skiing. The new office must be staffed 24/7 and all charged units must be in the pockets of each official. This CPA officer must be up to speed with regard to cell phone technology.

We are aware that all Muslims are not terrorists and that most terrorists have been Muslims. Given this fact we expect every traveler to be treated equally with no hint of profiling or discrimination.

Our systems include an online “watch list” and a “ no fly” list. Maybe next time we might use those lists…maybe?

Security employees who accept bribes and are to show no demonstrable favoritism with regard to individual travelers. Any security employee not proficient in the English language should enroll in off duty classes for English as a second language.

Contracts for security screening have been awarded to the lowest bidders and will remain in effect. Minimum wage attracts great employees.

We wish the traveling public a very happy trip and want to assure everyone that we will review our systems and procedures should more events occur. It’s important that we all recognize that our judicial system may take years to convict a suicide bomber, but the system does work.

The warm fuzzy rhetoric of President Obama should give no one confidence that air travel is safer. If the President of the United States can’t get it right…who can we trust to protect us?