Recently we were invited to hang out with Danny McBride and director David Gordon Green, the powerhouse team behind Pineapple Express and the new movie Your Highness as they hit some colleges to share sage advice with kids who think a Philosophy degree leads to anything but working at an online comedy site.

Due to unforeseen ankle bracelets not letting us go more than 15 yards from the front door we had to adapt our plan to travel with them and instead send Kara Luiz, who doesn’t suffer the same crippling facial or criminal setbacks the rest of us do. The result was a fine interview complete with video to prove we’re not totally full of crap, and a lot of time for us to think of punny ways to use “high” in sentences. But it also made us really think about learning, and specifically what we can learn from Danny himself.

You might think it’s hard to pull life lessons from a stranger who you didn’t even actually meet but had another person meet making you entire brief relationship a proxy one, but you’d be wrong. Some of your most important life lessons come not from family, friends and teachers but from cartoon characters and Schwarzenegger one-liners. The odds on Danny McBride being able to offer valuable life lessons are staggering. In fact, we gave our intern a case of Zima and a scientific calculator and three hours later he figured it out to a percentage greater than 100. That means you actually owe Danny a life lesson. Guess what? He doesn’t need it. Give it to a homeless man instead, it’ll make you and Danny look like good guys. Maybe it could be about hygiene. Bums need that real bad.

First, check out this video. It’s not too long, so grab a Danish and put your pants on.

1 – Elephants don’t ride horses because of their nuts. Is that a life lesson? Not exactly, unless a lot of your life revolves around elephant balls. But what is worth noting is that if you have elephant balls you shouldn’t ride a horse. And, more importantly, you need to consider what brand of pants to buy very carefully. We assume, anyway. Truth be told, no one in the office here knows much about the size of elephant balls (surprised us too) but we’re all pretty positive they won’t fit in Levi’s.

2- Working with friends is a good thing. Do you know why? This is a big one, because, as it happens, two Holy Taco editors are sworn enemies and it makes the work place a real shit show sometimes. See, back in ’76, the mother of one editor fell in love with the father of another editor at an Arizona trailer park. Long story short there was a blood feud, a couple of dudes got stabbed with broken beer bottles and instead of the sort of Romeo and Juliet experience you might expect from a trailer park feud, the chick got knocked up and the next day he drove his whole house away after spray painting “whore” all over her Airstream. If only we’d known before we hired them both, we’d have far fewer corkscrew attacks in the lunch room.

3 – The Crystal Method is still around. As soon as we finish this Whitesnake album, we’ll check them out.

4 – It’s 2011 and there’s not much to be said for jousting as it relates to life lessons. But that in and of itself is a life lesson – not everything you say needs to be relevant to your audience. Look at Glenn Beck, everything he says is batshit bugf*ck crazy and the only people who can learn from that are wearing foil hats collecting their feces in jars, so they don’t watch FOX anyway.

See, don’t you feel more enlightened now? Of course you do. But don’t get too cocky. Remember, true knowledge exists in knowing that you know nothing. There’s still plenty to learn, so that means we’ll probably have to send more girls after more celebrities in the future. For now, be happy that you’re a few steps closer to Kenny Powers and, you know you could always go *coughshillingforamoviecough* see Your Highness. We sorta proimised Danny we’d get some people to go see it. He’s saving up to buy a koi pond.