University of Edinburgh to move to England in an Independent Scotland

BREAKING NEWS – Flipside can reveal that under European Union (EU) regulations, the University of Edinburgh may have to relocate to England in an independent Scotland.

Earlier this month reports indicated that due to EU Council Directive 95/26/EC, leading Scottish banks may have to base themselves in the country which holds the greatest proportion of their business activity. It has become apparent that other Scottish institutions, including universities, may also be affected by this international legislation.

Only 5% of students at the University are Scottish, with 87% from the rest of the UK. Student Finance England is the University’s most important business partner and investor.

When asked to comment on a potential move to London, Edinburgh University Student Association President-elect Briana Pegado said, “I believe that for many English students the journey from their Home County would be a lot easier due to the shorter distance. International students, such as myself, would no longer have the arduous and harrowing ordeal of changing flights at Heathrow.”

At the University of St. Andrews, preparations for a potential move to America have already begun, in case of a ‘Yes’ victory in September’s independence referendum.

Alex Salmond has responded, shouting, “They can take our banks, currency system and our universities, but they will never take [what is left of] our oil!”

It is understood that if the University of Edinburgh did move to England, iconic buildings such as Old College and Appleton Tower would be transported brick by brick/concrete slab by concrete slab to new central London locations. Freshers staying in halls of residence in Edinburgh would commute to class using public transport.

University of Edinburgh Vice-Chancellor Sir Timothy O’Shea said, “Many students already use infrequent buses to get to King’s Buildings. I think it is reasonable to expect all first year students to make the nine-hour round trip by train from Edinburgh to get to lectures in London. There is qualitatively little difference to the current situation.” It is unclear whether the University would subsidise travel costs.

A third year student who requested only to be referred to as Leopold II, commented, “If this happens it will be way easier for me to end up at Boujis rather than Hive. I think that alone is reason enough to vote an emphatic Yes.”