Jill was a girl, Jack was a guyOne day they caught each other's eyeAnd they went steady for two yearsThey'd spend their summers by the seaAnd they were happy and carefreeAnd for the future had no fears

But Jack had a little secretHe'd been keeping to himself very deep inside his soulHe was ashamed, he was embarrassedDidn't want to jeopardise the loved they shared, oh not at all

Jack was... A hedgehogNobody knewHe was a filthy little creatureBut with one redeeming featureHe was quite good at impersonating a human

Well, Jack decided to tell JillBut he did not know how she'd feelSo he made a hedgehog sliceShe said, "Jack, thank you for the foodAnd I don't want to sound too rude,I don't think hedgehogs are nice. "Then Jack was gutted and a tear rolled down his cheekAnd Jill said, "Jack, I was joking. I love this chocolate treat.It's just the animal hedgehogs that I despise. "And it was quite sad because she still had no idea that Jack was a hedgehogYes, she had no idea

But he couldn't stand the shameAnd he had to clear his nameSo he organised to meet Jill down on SouthbankAnd he said, "Jill, I wanna tell you..."She said, "Shh, I wanna smell you."He said, "Not the best idea."And he said, "Jill, I am a hedgehog."And she said, "Haha, silly. Well, give me a hedge-hug."And they held each other near

(Spoken)But as they were hugging each other, Jill cut her hand up on one of the spikes on his back. And she said, "Jack, what the fuck is this? You have spikes on your back! And he tore away his trench coat, and he pulled off his little mask and his snout popped out and she said, "Are you- you actually are a hedgehog! " "Yes, I was trying to tell you, babe. I've been trying to tell you for a week. " "Four years, Jack, you've been keeping this from me! Four years, you little crazy fuck! What were you doing? What were you thinking! " And she picked Jack up, and she kicked him high into the air!

(Sung)Jack went flying through the airLike a big ball of hedgehogAnd all the while, he was singing:"Goodbye my lover, goodbye my friendYou have been the one... "

(Spoken)And after he'd done singing James Blunt's entire extended repertoire, two albums to date, he came to rest through the open window of a yellow taxi cab in Frankston.

(Sung)Hedgehog in a taxi, will he pay the fare?Hedgehog in a taxi, does the driver even know that he's there?The driver did know he was thereAnd they charged Jack the fareBut Jack disagreed with the two dollar fifty flagfallHedgehog in a taxi, getting fiscalDidn't like the driver, pulled a pistolOut shot the driver, couldn't revive herYou all thought that she was a man but she was a woman, you are sexist

Hedgehog in a taxi, hedgehog on the runThere are twenty cops behind him but they know he's got a gunSo he's gotta keep on going, petrol flowingBut now he's been surrounded and he's slowing downHe's in an alleywayThe cops are are and theyAre just about to shoot

(Spoken)And then Jill came running in through the alleyway. She said, "Stop! Don't shoot the little prick! Can't you see he's not man! He's just a hedgehog!" But as she was playing the grand piano she'd wheeled into the alleyway for dramatic effect, the policemen riddled Jack's little body with bullets and then started playing soccer with his corpse. Final scores were Victoria Police 3, Jack's corpse nil. Some say it was an unfair match. And all the while, Jill kept on playing.

(Sung)In conclusion, it has been seenDon't pretend to be a humanIn conclusion, it has been seenSome people who say they are a human might not actually be a humanIn conclusion, it has been seenMany of us are still heavily instructed by a dominant social paradigm that suggest taxi driving is not an occupation for females

There might be a hedgehog in this roomThere might be a hedgehog in this roomThere might be a hedgehog in this roomOw! Prickly.