IF YOU CAN'T SAY SOMETHING NICE…

...chances are, you answer to the name Elton. (Here's the story you've been waiting for.) After spending much of the season frothing at the mouth, accusing Madonna of lip-syncing and blaming David Beckham's marital problems on his wife, the former Posh Spice, Mr. Cranky-Pants finally took on someone who wouldn't roll over and play dead: George Michael. After John was quoted as saying "There seems to be a deep-rooted unhappiness in [Michael's] life" and "[Michael] should get out more," the former Wham! pretty boy sent an open letter to Britain's Heat magazine, claiming that his elder was merely spreading rumors he'd picked up on the "gay grapevine." Furthermore, Michael said "Contrary to the public's impression, we have spoken rarely in the last 10 years, and what would probably surprise most people is that we have never discussed my private life. Ever." Care to rebut, Mr. Cranky-Pants?