Saturday, September 24, 2011

Agency is a frustrating and ill-conceived eternal principle. How I would like compulsion to be the over-arching and governing principle of this life. I think Satan really did have it right in the Pre-Existence in that pre-mortal war in heaven. Except for who-gets-the-glory angle, the concept of "making" us choose the right and thus we return to the father, doesn't seem all that bad from this vantage point.

I started attending a group class to help me understand my role better. The first of 12 steps of helping loved ones to overcome addition is to "let go" and admit that one has no control over another person's life and choices. This is the hardest step of all for me. If this is just step no. 1, how will I ever be able to get to step 12?

I would much rather be in control. I would much rather use compulsory means whereby to "make others choose the right". For you see, I know better. I have the light and know what is right for others, particularly my loved ones, and thus, isn't doing right more important than desiring to be right? And I can see the decisions others are making for themselves are "wrong" and therefore I just help them to see the errors of their ways, no?

If not, what should I be doing? Particularly as a parent? And don' tell me all I can do is show "unconditional love". Of course I know this - but is that all that I am left to do? Ultimately, when all else is stripped away, are we really left but one alternative - to love?

I have asked that of them, my family, to accept me, and to offer me unconditional love as they've one-by-one come to terms with my homosexuality. And for the most part, such offering has been made.

So, now it is my turn... to love unconditionally, even those, and especially those who are now choosing different paths from my own.

Even with such turn of events, it ain't easy to do so. The unconditional love is always there as a parent, but the idea of not doing something more to influence the decisions of others, is very difficult.

I am sure others are convinced that I am deceived and on a path of inevitable self-destruction in my willing acceptance of my homosexuality, while others are convinced that I am deceived and doomed for self-destruction for denying myself and not embracing it fully and honestly with all in the open. The path I have chosen is my own, and all I ask is for love from those who know me. So, why then can I not ask simply of myself to love those family members who have chosen paths of their own self-destruction?

Oh the hypocrisy! Is there no other way to learn other than finding one's own path, even if that path is full of misturns, detours and dangers along the way?

The gate may be strait, but the path leading to it may take several different courses. And it is through those different paths of exercising agency, that we learn - as there is "no other way".

Why does agency always have to win out in the end when my way is better?