“Rizzoli & Isles” Subtext Recap (3.06): Sister can you spare a kidney

Hey, what happened? Did I pop in an old, dusty copy of Eyes Wide Shut? Is Tom trying to win back with Nicole now that Katie has escaped? Oh, wait, it’s just some fetish party where everyone wears masks and some guy gets a lethal beef injection. Now that’s what I call some dead wood.

Back at the Isles Estates, Maura is engaging in some coffee porn with Jane. She’s talking about the joy of controlling hot rising torrents of penetration. I’m not even kidding, she really is. Jane, who is in her scuzzy just-woke-up clothes after clearly spending the night is all, “Honey, we already did that this morning. Twice.” And then she says now all she wants is a cup of coffee, and not the Roman orgy they had earlier.

Mama Rizzoli pokes her head around the door slowly. She knows all too well those who barge into Maura’s kitchen in the morning may well indeed witness a Roman orgy on the countertops. She’s all gussied up for “work” complete with high heels. We interrupt this Subtext Recap to for a very important message about sensible shoes. Wear them. That way, we won’t have to suffer through any more ridiculous product placement. And now back to our regularly scheduled, totally gayzzoli programming.

Maura’s phone rings and it’s Motherboard Martin. Hope kind of invites herself over to dinner, with her 18-year-old daughter, that night. Maura immediately goes into full panic mode after hanging up, prattling on about how her immaculate house is a wreck and she doesn’t know what to serve them. Jane concurs saying, “Oh, I’d be so embarrassed to invite anyone but me here.” Now it’s Jane’s turn to have her phone ring and it’s murder to save the day. Maura says she has to stay, Jane says fine she thinks she can handle an autopsy on her own. Maura says she has to shower and Jane says she has three minutes until the hot water gets turned off.

Yes, of course, this is all perfectly normal. All best friends regulate each other’s shower time. All best friends barge into the bathroom while the other friend is showering and physically turn off the hot water. Yes, of course, perfectly normal behavior for people who don’t regularly see each other naked. Carry on.

The crime scene is in a posh foreclosed $3 million mansion, which is on the market. Jane can’t believe the home prices and Maura can’t believe she agreed to host a formal dinner in less than 10 hours. Panic mode sets in again and Jane is having none of it. “No, no, no – not with the heavy breathing,” she orders. Well, I see her point. No use in getting all hot and heavy now that they’re at the crime scene. On the way over in the car would have been a much more appropriate time for a quickie.

Jane tells her to call Mama R, use flattery and get her to cook the dinner. Maura says it’s an imposition, but Jane suggests she invite her to dinner, too. Come on, Maura, you should of thought of that one yourself. Your mother-in-law wants to meet your birth mom, too.