Opinion: I was so much better at quashing dissent than Obama

GEORGE BUSH, JR.: You all know me. You all love me. Well, some of you love me (and I love you too!) By that I mean the honest, God-fearing, me-fearing Americans who shut their traps during my administration. These blindly unquestioning subjects- er, citizens- served our country faithfully while I was in office. When I called on them to forget my administration's lax enforcement of regulation that allowed the Enron, WorldCom, and Xerox scandals to take place, they answered by saing "En-who?" When we told them we were going into Iraq to find WMDs, and only for that reason, and then later (when we couldn't find them) changed our rationale to stopping terrorism and spreading democracy, these brave ignoramuses said: "Sure thing, Boss!"

But not everyone was so patriotic. SOME people just couldn't get it into their heads that criticizing me in any way, shape, or form, meant that you were a terrorist sympathizer, if not a terrorist yourself. My staunch supporters in Congress and across the country made every effort to quash any form of opposition. If you protested the terrible series of military blunders I lead our country into, you were a defeatist. If you wanted better healthcare, regulations on workplace safety, or laws ending discrimination, you were a Communist, and were promptly told to "Go live in Canada if you don't like it!" My cronies in the CIA, FBI, and DHS monitored emails and wiretapped phones. If you so much as spoke an unkind word about me, you were on a blacklist, or better yet, sent off for some "enhanced interrogation."

Ahh, those were the days.

But now we've got a new president. And he's a total pansy. I mean, look at the guy! People are saying the most outrageous things about his administration. It's a constant stream of criticism from Fox News. Don't get me wrong-- I love what they're saying about him-- but it just goes to show how different Obama and I are. Some conservatives now are worried that their free speech will be limited, their voices stifled. I tell them, Obama doesn't have the guts to totally squash dissent like I did. I was the fucking epitome of the Orwellian nightmare, and now this douchebag gets the credit for it? "Oh, look at me! I'm Obama! I listen to my opposition! I'm really threatening to your ability to criticize!" What the hell's he going to do, bipartisan you to death? Hell, I didn't even read a fucking newspaper that I didn't like! I just relied on a small circle of cronies to filter me only the information I wanted to hear!

I heard some people say: "Obama's using scare tactics." I should waterboard you till you scream, you worthless crybabies. I was the fucking master of fearmongering. Remember the color-coded system of terror alerts? The cryptic, indecipherable warnings of imminent doom that I trotted out whenever my poll numbers dropped? The way I responded to every criticism by saying: "You want the terrorists to win"?

Republicans in Congress are whining now about "not being included in the decision-making process." Are you fucking kidding me? Obama's got no game! He actually makes efforts and achieving compromise! Think back to my administration. We almost removed the filibuster from the Senate entirely! Do you have any idea how many pork-filled, overblown spending and security bills I had my minions ram through Congress in a mockery of everything our Founders stood for? A hell of a lot more than Mr. Asshole Obama!

So shut the fuck up, Glenn Beck, Ann Coulter, Rush Limbaugh. You remember the work I did making our country less democratic and more fearful. I should get a fucking Nobel Prize, assholes.