John W. James

Where were you when I needed you?

The saddest question we ever hear is, "Where were you when I needed you?"

That's what people ask when they find out what we do in helping grievers. We're presenting helpful and accurate information on this site, at the time you need it most, with the hope that you'll never need to ask that question.

It's an honor and a sad privilege to be addressing you, knowing that each of you has recently experienced the death of someone important to you. We also know some of you are reading this because of your care and concern for someone who is confronted by the death of someone important in their life.

We bring our personal experience in dealing with the deaths of people who were important to us, and our professional know-how in helping grievers for more than 30 years. We'll help you distinguish between the "raw grief" that is your normal and natural reaction to the death, and the equally normal "unresolved grief" that relates to the unfinished emotions that are part of the physical ending of all relationships.

A basic reality for most grieving people is difficulty concentrating or focusing. With that in mind, we asked Tributes.com to print our articles in a large type font to make them easier to read. Sharing our concern for grieving people, they agreed.

Ask The Grief Experts

Grief is not a "process." It is a collection of memories and feelings about your relationship with the person who died. (Published 12/8/2015)

Q:

I just need to know when a grieving process will end. My Grandpa died five years ago and I still feel like it was yesterday. It tears at me everyday. I need help please.

A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Austin,

Thanks for your note and question.

We want to comment on a couple of things in your note.

First is the idea that grief is a “process.” We know a lot of people say that and write that, but that doesn’t make it so.

A process is set of actions that you would do intentionally with a goal in mind. What you have been experiencing and continue to feel emotionally, certainly isn’t anything that you’re doing on purpose. In fact, we’d guess that if feels more like it’s happening to you than you doing it.

Let us redefine grief for you so you can complete it and move forward in your life. “Grief is the normal and natural reaction to loss, and it is a collection of memories and feelings about your relationship with the person who died.”

One of the problems we all have is that while grief is the normal and natural reaction to loss, most of what we’ve learned about dealing with grief is not normal or natural, and certainly not correct or helpful. That may be why you’ve been kind of “stuck,” if that’s a fair way to put it.

The second thing we want to mention is that your note, citing the fact that it’s been nearly five years since your Grandpa died, implies that time should have healed your emotional wounds. Therein lies the idea we mentioned, that most of what we learn about dealing with grief is not correct or helpful. Time can’t heal an emotional wound any more than time can put air back into a flat tire. Fixing the tire requires action, so does dealing with your broken heart.

Go to the library or bookstore and get a copy of The Grief Recovery Handbook. Read it and take the actions it outlines. As you do, you’ll start to shift. The sense of pain and sadness will diminish and the warm and fuzzy memories that we guess you have about him and your relationship with him will be front and center.