Dog walk and elliptical today. Yea! I don't remember the last time I was on the elliptical. I have 1/2 an artichoke in the steamer, to be followed by a pear/walnut/blue cheese and romaine salad. My lunch was not great - but that's ok. I have started October in a positive manner.

Updated a spreadsheet to track my exercise. In the spreadsheet, I found a list I had started at one point with things I wanted to work on. Funny - everything on the list - I still need to work on... !

My negative updates need to stop....I just got back from walking the young dog. A short walk compared to her normal nightly walk. Husband is busy getting his mom admitted to the hospital. Thus the connection to negative updates. We had decided to stay away today due to her agitation, but then the night person updated us about her attitude and then we were summoned by the facility director. We spent several hours there this morning, then another hour with FIL. Came home to do bare minimum work and then husband got summoned back for paperwork,etc. That was almost 6 hours ago. I am getting a bit anxious to know what is happening and how things are with MIL and FIL.

SO - excuse or not - I did not get to go to Cardio Tone today. I have no idea what tomorrow holds. SO - I had my walks with the dogs. I will do some hand weight work as soon as I stop this. I have a couple med appts tomorrow and Weds.

I have no idea what the next few days hold for us. I did not expect today to turn out as it has. For that matter - I have no idea how today IS turning out.

Somehow, someway - I will get some exercise this week. I will get good in some good meals. I have a quinoa and beet salad to put together once husband shows up.

Toxic sister left. I managed to limit my exposure to her and her husband. I think without being rude, but not sure. All in all, it was a relatively painless visit. I need to do better in not allowing her behavior - and the behavior of my mother and sisters - to influence me.

Short visit with younger son yesterday. Shorter visit with older son today. Good to see them. Working visit with FIL to review finance stuff and discuss MIL. She has threatened the caregivers and been extremely ugly and nasty to FIL during his visits. Husband and I went by tonight and cut our visit short when she started in on complaining. I am at a loss as to how to deal with her. She's aware enough to be unhappy with her surroundings - but there is no way she can be at home.

Looking ahead to October - a woman I met at the facility (her mom is there also) indicated a last quarter of the year challenge on fb. Interested, I asked her about it and decided to join this on-line support thing. Turns out it's a meal program thing...not interested. I still want to focus on this last quarter of the month and make it the best possible - and so I need to come up with workable, realistic goals for the last 12 weeks of the year.

I am putting Cardio Tone back on my list of things for tomorrow. Got to get back to that. I did not make any classes last week. Food was hit and miss - too much eating out. Back to cooking this coming week. Gluten and sugar reduction. Water.

setting the schedule for the week ahead. Work requirements for tomorrow interfere with cardio tone class. So - I will get to the mountain today. Tuesday, it will be either hydrofit or group power - or both??. Thursday - spin and group power. Dog walks don't really count for anything at this point, as the dogs are so slow and the walks are so short. I have a meal plan together. Now, to live it.

My crazy, toxic sister is here this week. We all had dinner together last night. Carb overload. Conversation was as I expected - my husband and I kept our mouths shut. I am not sure how her presence will mess with my schedule this week. Rather - I have not decided how much I will allow her presence to upset my schedule.

I have decided to ditch the functional medicine visits and supplements. I have not been feeling all that well. I was never one to have digestion issues - until I started taking the supplements. I've written about the overwhelming tiredness I have felt since starting the supplements. And the last week - heart palpitations again. Haven't had those in a long time. Granted - I have been overloading on caffeine lately - something I know I shouldn't do. BUT - since seeing the functional med person, I have felt worse and worse. I know I need to reduce carbs. I know I need to reduce sugar. I can do those things. I will keep the supplements the cardiologist recommended, but stop everything else. I am hoping I can switch back next year to our old insurance and get back to 'my' old doctor. Then, I can visit her in January. Until then - i know what to do. I just need to do it. Sounds so simple. Why then, do I not do it?

Spin class had a sub instructor. He was good and I pushed myself a bit. Group Power was good also - only a few people tonight. I upped my weights for the warmup, then returned the weight amount to what I've done in past. Arms are sore right now.

SHort visit today to MIL - made me sad and frustrated. It's not an option to not visit her at all...I need to come to some sort of realistic visit expectations. And realize that I need to mask my emotions whenever I am around her.

Tomorrow - old dog goes to vet for blood work related to her daily meds. Errands to run. Not sure if we will attend happy hour at facility. I need to look into making some appointments. House and yard work for the weekend.

Just talked with younger son. He sounded good - he did perform poorly on his test, but professor seems to be a good one. Worked through the test with the class and encouraged everyone to not let this determine whether to drop. He said there is time and opportunity to do well in the class. Son seems to be taking it to heart and not obsessing. He is a lot like I am - perfectionist - which is NOT a good thing. I'm glad he called, as I have been thinking of him. NOT worrying - I'm learning not to worry.

MIL behavior still has me down a bit. She went to lunch with us - I could tell she was determining whether or not to go. Once seated at lunch, she loudly announced her plans to sue everyone at the facility and us as well, along with divorcing her husband...My husband told her we did not need to have that discussion over lunch and changed the subject. Surprisingly, she accepted his comments. She had a grudge attitude, but she behaved. HUsband went to talk with the old friend / lawyer who visited her last week - who she believes is working to 'spring her' and sue everyone for her. He understands what we are dealing with. I am still just overwhelmingly sad to see my inlaws' relationship at this point. My MIL is not there anymore - some of her behavior is - but SHE is gone.

SO - no cardio tone class Monday. I did get a decent amount of walking done Monday. Today - pretty much a rest day. Tomorrow will be spin and group power.

Feeling blah. Multiple causes. I first wrote 'reasons', but realized it's not real what I'm feeling. Perception. Mood is down. Have a water issue at the house, so we will be at the lake a couple days. So grateful to have that option. Older dog is having more issues. Sad about her and what I think are her numbered days. Son was feeling down after a rough test today. Worried about him. Worrying is useless, I know so I am praying 'my' prayer:

Send Your Holy Spirit to increase my faith to trust YOU in all things. I do...I do. I KNOW things WILL work as they should - it's just getting to the worked out place that I find difficult.

Which of course brings up MIL...conversation with memory care director has me feeling sad and anxious. Her behavior is suspect (MIL, not director). SHe is plotting and scheming - really can't tell how much she is able to do these things, but there is some amount of truth in what we are being told (laughingly) she is doing. I know she is not 'all there'. I know her emotions are compromised. But, what is disturbing is that she is exhibiting actions and behavior that I have seen for 38 years. SO it IS her. And if she is able to follow through on what she is plotting, it makes for a very sad ending. For everyone. A marriage of 62 years should not 'end' this way - with anger and bitterness. They were SO close, never without the other - for years. My FIL is devastated at having to have her there. Then for her to spout venom at him every time he visits - it is horrible - for both of them. Ugly Ugly ugly disease.

Dinner last night was fun. All 3 of us (obviously) have aging parents and we each took time to vent about stuff. My crazy, busy friend has some assisted living and memory care facilities and usually provides 'free' info and advice. Other friend has her mother in hospital for a few days a couple weeks ago - no diagnosis. She's better now but they have no idea, other than dehydration, for her issues. Her mom experiences 'hospital psychosis'...sounds similar to what MIL experienced after her surgery, minus the lingering dementia. Hopefully her mother will be alright. I think my friend's sister's death earlier this year and her father's heart surgery a month ago had something to do with her mother's level of anxiety, which may have had something to do with her issues?

Blood results from yesterday were a bit discouraging as in not seeing much change. Inflammation is basically what it was before. There has been some slight improvement in some markets, a couple went worse...leptin levels greatly improved. Overall, nothing too bad - other than 2 things. I need to spend some time reviewing everything again. She changed a couple supplements, in hopes of seeing inflammation numbers go down. Was told again - gluten and sugar reduction should help with everything.

Younger son conversation this morning - he went from sounding pretty upbeat 2 days ago to being a bit overwhelmed today. I need to think good thoughts. It is up to him. Things happen as they should. He's a great kid with amazing work ethic. He will be fine.

Quick visit to MIL. They were doing Martini's in the moonlight for the full moon. So we took her out to assisted living and had a chocolate martini. They also had moon pies...I don't eat those. This was the first martini I've ever had (very weak, my style). Once FIL showed up, she started in on changing the stockbroker and moving 'HER' money if FIL would ever bring her the forms...we took that opportunity to leave. She behaved, but it was close.

Exercise - limited today with 3 short dog walks. Will see what I get done tomorrow.

SPin and Group Power were good. My sister's birthday is tomorrow. This sister has talked about joining a gym or starting exercise for years - and hasn't. I know I wrote a while ago about how I was not supportive of her saying she wanted to start exercise. Yesterday at lunch, she asked me AGAIN about the classes I go to, etc and I AGAIN told her to look at the website and review the class schedule. Today - I bought her a one-month membership for her birthday and dropped off the paperwork and class schedules to her. Our mom, also there when I dropped off the stuff, reminded my sister that they are heading out of town Oct 15 for a week, and then going somewhere else a week later, so she shouldn't activate the membership until November or December at the earliest...! I pointed out that today is Sept 12. If she goes by tomorrow, Sept 13, her month of membership will be up on Oct 13, which fits in nicely with their trip. And she will have completed a month of exercise before her trip. "Oh no...she shouldn't rush into this..." I don't get it. I gave her the gift. Whether or not she uses it - or when she chooses to use it - is up to her. I will not push her to attend.

Tomorrow, I am scheduled to have dinner with the 2 old friends who canceled on me for the lake last month. We will see if we actually have dinner. MIL's facility emailed today asking husband and me to come in for a couple hours to 'volunteer' sit with the memory care residents while the caregivers have a tailgate party. So - we will go. I am a bit nervous to know I must stay there for 2 hours. I hope MIL behaves.

Younger son called today. Sounds as if he is doing well at school. I hope so. He told me an older 'friend' had died of an overdose a couple weeks ago. This 'kid' was a senior when my younger son was in 8th grade and kicking for football. The senior took time to teach my son and encourage him. They would practice together with the kicking coach - it was so cute to watch the 2 of them. i have some videos of them on the field. I feel for his parents...Scary issues.

Tuesday, I went to HydroFit class - which lasted all of 15 minutes due to a totally unexpected lightening/thunder clap. No rain at all for 2 weeks and the one day I get there...LOL. I ended up sitting in sauna for a bit to decompress. I had not brought my workout shoes, so I couldn't go into the weight room. Sounds like excuses to me as I write this. Tonight, I will go to Spin and Group Power.

I've been mulling over issues with MIL. She refused to go to lunch with the family yesterday. I went with my mom and sister to lunch so stayed out of the in-law family discussions. Husband went by to see her afterwards. She was in a great mood - being wheeled about the assisted living area delivering thank you treats to the facility staff. Staff told husband she has been in a fabulous mood since the issues the other day. SO, of course my paranoid self came up with an idea...I think she is intentionally upsetting us as a way to get back at us for putting her there....crazy of me? Probably...however, my BIL has a schadenfreude personality - and when I reflect back on my 'life with MIL', she does as well. My husband and I dated almost 7 years before we married. We've been married 31 years. In all these years, I've known how much she loves to complain and seems to take delight on other's misfortunes. She is happiest when others are unhappy. I told my younger son this summer, as he worked with BIL, to not let BIL know if anything upset or angered him, because that's what BIL wants - to know he upset you...how can I be so blind as to not see this with MIL? Yes - I do know I sound completely bonkers as I write this...but, whether or not there is any truth to this, I have learned something important. Do NOT let MIL know ANYTHING upsets, frustrates or angers me. When she pulls her tantrums, be calm about leaving.

ANother day to work on gluten free and sugar free. I go back to the functional medicine place tomorrow for lab results. I have started back on some of the supplements - not all as I experience some ill effects from a couple things. I am curious to see the blood results - whether anything has changed. I feel worse that I did when I started down this path. Not sure I will return after tomorrow. As I've said before, I know what I need to do (I think) - I'm just not doing it. I was hoping for some supplement 'magic' to fix the fact that I am getting older, softer, etc. It's time for me to realize it is up to me and me alone. My habits, my exercise (or lack thereof), my mental state. It's ME.

Cardio Tone - great class. It's getting crowded in class now. When I first started attended the class, 5 was a good crowd. Now it's up to 15 or 20. A woman came in 1/2 hour into class and tried to squeeze right behind me. I forcefully made myself be nice and tried to make room. It was tough as we were doing ball stuff and taking up room. But - I played nice.

Came home, ate dinner, husband left for dog training...and I did some damage on emotional eating again. MIL stuff is still bugging me. We had to drop by the facility today to drop a couple things off. Her caregiver came out to meet us so we did not have to come into her area. It was good to talk with the caregiver and hear things from her perspective. Paranoia seems to be coming to the surface now - according to MIL, people are drinking her wine, taking her clothes, taking her walker, stealing everything she has...not happening. Caregiver agreed it's best for us to lie low for a bit and let her settle down. Her complaining to us just riles her up. They say she's happy and fine (or pretends to be) when we (family) are not around. Lie or Truth? I choose to believe them.

Stopped by to see FIL for a bit. He was emotional. Overwhelmed with record keeping. Not sure he understands all the records we are keeping. We've told him repeatedly, but he never seems to remember that. Which makes me worried he is in beginning stages of decline. He will be 89 at the end of the year. I should n't be surprised at some mental decline.

Feeling blah and needed some alone time, so I skipped dog training class tonight. We took boat up to lake for probably the last time this summer. Lake level is being dropped and it took quite a bit of jockeying the dock and walkway about to be able to get the boat in the slip. Husband was able to surf yesterday and today and I did a short stint of wakeboarding. I am afraid my leg will be hurting tonight. Slow dog walks this weekend. That was it.

Came home, unpacked and got laundry going before we headed to visit MIL. She was in an ill mood, sitting off by herself. Her 'posse', as I call them, was spread out. One had her son visiting and they were 'up front' (i.e., in assisted living area), one was outside in the garden with her caregiver, and the other was sitting across the room, between 2 other people. Another son was visiting another resident and he and husband started talking. MIL threw some odd ball comments out, but was not able to break up their conversation and I think that sent her mood further down the toilet. Then an old, close friend showed up after visiting with another resident (father of her ex-DIL...) and that seemed to really throw her off. Husband wheeled her into dinner and she started throwing every complaint to husband...so I told him it was time to leave. We had decided about a month ago that once she starts complaining at this level, it just upsets her more and more to go on and on - if we can't get her conversation redirected, it's better for everyone to just leave. I told main caregiver what was going on and why we were leaving and I walked out. Husband took and few minutes to get away. This really bothers me and I can tell tonight is going to be hard to sleep. Happy hour on Friday was a mess. I am not sure whether we will attend another. I intend to limit my presence this week.. I'm tired and frustrated.

My father's birthday would have been Weds - so I will have lunch with my mom and sister that day. I have been neglecting my own mother, so I need to step back - how many times have I said that??? - from MIL's situation.

I found myself emotionally eating after the encounter with MIL today. I am writing this to get myself back in control. I hurt no one but myself when I do this. Not that I want to hurt anyone...I guess I should say I help no one when I do this. I have meals planned for week ahead. Exercise planned. A date night with husband planned. I want to get to some deep cleaning this week - will see if work allows.

Spin and Group Power tonight. Good combo. The Group Power class is really not that intense compared to what I used to do, but I feel it afterwards. I'm getting better at Spin, but I told the instructor that if we were on real bikes, I'd be 10 miles behind everyone. Everytime, better, but a long way to go. Talked to a girl in class - I went to middle and high school with her parents!!! Another guy in class graduated from high school the year I was born. Quite a difference in ages in class.

My arms are so sore right now from class. Not exactly sure what made them so sore. I just hope my arms look better from working out.

NO visit to MIL today. Tomorrow afternoon the facility has a Happy Hour that I think we are going to go to. I'll stick to tea, tho - don't need the wine. Review of caregiver info with FIL went better than expected yesterday. We thought he was going to change stuff or balk at certain things. He is very overwhelmed right now. He seemed reassured at my spreadsheet - rather surprised I think at the amount of info and level of detail I track. I will need to organize the stuff for taxes for him - I know he has the info somewhere, but I have the backup. When we were in his car yesterday, husband and I went through all the pockets and trunk, gathering all the receipts, letters, papers, etc. and put them in a bag he had in the car. One of the receipts was from 2014...

I feel good about the start of September. I think I'm back on track to doing things for me and my health - just got to keep going.

Just read this by Jim Daly: "One of the biggest mistakes people make is thinking that tomorrow will be an extension of today’s circumstances.

The holiday weekend was spent working - job work, farm work, house work. Saturday, I had a class to attend that took most of the day. Visit to MIL and the day was over. Sunday, we spent the majority of the day at the farm mowing and weed whacking. I'm not a very good weed whacker - lots of flying bits of rock, plants and dirt. I have several bruises on arms and legs. It was hot. We walked a bit afterwards. Dogs were tired - as were we. Monday, stained the deck at home and then husband and I (together!!) with youngest dog climbed the mountain. I don't remember the last time I made it up. I need to look back in here to see. It was tough. I told husband either I used to be in better shape than I thought at the time - or I am in much worse shape than I realize - in regard to years ago when I regularly climbed the mtn 1-2 times a week (and walked the path afterwards). It was dreadfully hot yesterday, but that was only a small portion of why it was tough.

My shins are aching today. and since I have been so tired, I skipped group power. Husband is at dog training now, so I will do some hand weights and stretching before I get to cooking dinner. MIL visit earlier. FIL came in during the visit and the little bit we talked afterwards has me frustrated again. He is backtracking on decisions he made last weekend in family meeting. I think he is about to blow up all the work we have done regarding MIL's caregivers. I am skipping family lunch tomorrow. I had to see BIL today and I am no closer to forgiving and forgetting. Something I know I need to do - for my sake...but I am choosing to limit my exposure to him. SO I don't say things I think I will regret later. I came very close today to telling him we need to have a conversation about what he has done. Probably not a good thing to do right now.

None of these 'habits' surprised me - so I know I didn't forget about them. Life happened and I guess I lost some focus, but in the back of my mind, I tend to live these habits to some degree everyday. However, focus for the rest of the 4 months of the year: Cardio (steady and interval), lower sugar and carbs, stress reducing activities and stretching...and getting back to the mountain (to the top or through the woods). And family stuff.

In my rant to my husband yesterday, I unfairly held him responsible for his family. Very wrong of me. We are fighting this battle together. I know how bad family can be and how you cannot control their actions. BUT - we need to set limits. It is essential that his father understand certain things. I'm assuming we are dealing with a totally 'sane' father - and I am not sure that is true. We thought his mother was sane, but we knew for a few years she was 'different'. Time to question all assumptions.

Half way through my day - I lost my perspective. Took out my frustration on poor husband - combo of work issues, HIS family issues...I eventually ended up at Spin and Group Power. Best thing I could have done. Husband asked me what I was angry about...and my honest answer - I am angry with myself. I told him that, along with the explanation that I spend SO MUCH time trying to control everything (work, family, LIFE) and when things go wrong, I get upset. And mostly (in my opinion), things go wrong because people lie, they don't put forward any effort to live up to their commitments, and worse, they don't care so don't even make any attempt. And here I am, trying to do it all (at least in my mind...LOL).

Seriously time for me to shift the focus. Let what happens, happen. Let someone else try to run the world.

Spin was great. Instructor in Group Power actually remembered me and made a point to welcome me back and sincerely was concerned about why I had disappeared for a few months. Spin instructor reiterated that I really need to find a way to be regular - for physical and mental health. So what I needed to hear. Last night, I dreamed I was in a tough boot camp class...Not sure I can ever get back to those days. But - until the next shoe drops - I am focusing on my health and well being.

I am pleasantly sore from classes yesterday. I will get in a dog walk today. Not far and not quick. Dogs are having issues. Oldest is on her 3rd med trying to treat what we think is diabetes insipidus. Poor girl has gone downhill this past year.

We have no set plans for holiday weekend. I am taking a class most of Saturday. Then we will see what gets done.

I just commented on a blog - left a heart felt message - and I'm afraid the person may take offense at what I said...I've always been that type person, React (in love or support) - then worry how my words and actions will be interpreted. I shared that with someone once - how I felt the need to share something but often refrained - and was told I was suppressing the nudging from God/Holy Spirit..oh well. What I said was meant in a supportive way - I truly hope this person feels peace soon.

Her blog took me back several years when I was at my worst with work, I was overwhelmed, hating every day (hour and minute), terrified of the situation, convinced it was going to be a disaster. I would go about my day, talking to myself and God - begging him to get me out of the situation...and then I heard a couple songs that got me to thinking in a different way. Toby Mack's Steal My Show and Casting Crowns Voice of Truth. Do NOT be afraid...Go on and Take it Away. These 2 songs and phrases will forever be sources of comfort to me. (And also a biography/documentary about Queen Elizabeth's unlikely rise to monarchy that I watched 1 of my many many sleepless nights - very interesting - someone who accepted with incredible grace the position/role/job she never, ever expected to have). This journal entry makes sense in my head...

Anyway...reading her blog this am, and my instinctual response, made me realize how I have been ignoring my own advice and life lessons. I've gotten back on my own simplified path of life's achievement, focused back on the straight and narrow path I think my life should be -and I've looked at everything that's happened since April with MIL as an arduous imposition (mostly). I need to find the joy and unexpected happiness to be found everyday in little things. I'm letting my frustrations with BIL and SIL and their live choices take on WAY too much importance. I do need to step back and let others do more concerning MIL - while still supporting husband,a s I know he does the most of everyone.

Changing perspective is hard. Looking at a situation from your own viewpoint is natural, obvious, reality. I need to remember to look at each situation I am placed in with new perspective - what is this situation meant to teach me? Who is this situation meant for? It's not always about me (been a long time since I have remembered that!). Thank you for the blog this am. It was meant for me, I do believe.

I almost bailed on lunch today with inlaws. Still feeling off. I have stopped all supplements again. Will stay off them for a week and see what happens.

Lunch was interesting. BIL didn't show (figured). Husband is out of town so it was MIL FIL and SIL. SIL is having a big party with out of town relatives for Labor Day weekend. FIL kept asking when he was supposed to come and how he was excited to spend the night! MIL gave a couple puzzled looks at her daughter...yes - it was uncomfortably apparent that MIL is not invited nor wanted to be there. Not sure how FIL can be so clueless. We are not invited either - but I am fine with that. MIL only made a couple comments about her 'jail' today - said she wished someone would push her off a cliff so she didn't have to spend the rest of her life there. I read over my entries last night looking for info and patterns to her behavior - it was good to review and I'm glad I made these notes...

However...reading MARINGAL's blog about boundaries has me thinking. It's time to put up some boundaries. I don't want to go to my SIL's this weekend. I really don't. But, I am a bit sad to realize it never crossed my mind for us to plan anything at all for this weekend. Because all our time is spent either working or taking care of family business and stuff. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. It's time to step back- quit trying to keep all the balls in the air and never have fun. Maybe not fun - but never have down time. I need to find my balance. enjoy the time I have.

Unbelievable tiredness today - have no idea why. I dropped husband at airport mid day, came home, took care of dogs - and crashed. I have NEVER been one to nap - but I did today. Stomach still a bit uneasy today. Not sure what's going on. Needless to day - no group power today. I will see how tomorrow goes and whether or not I get something in.

Stopped by for 1/2 hour to check on MIL. I received the bill for last week's caregivers - and the caregiver for 2 days last week was a new person. I wish I would have been notified. MIL never said anything, so it must have been ok. However, I really like to meet these people prior to them being with MIL. MIL told me I don't need to stop by everyday. I told her "I want to." When I walked in, receptionist informed me MIL was extremely upset when she returned to facility on Sunday after being at daughters. Railing at husband. I asked nursing staff how she was when we and FIL are not around. Told the only issues are when FIL is there - and that she's telling everyone there she is divorcing him as soon as she gets out...

Found out by accident MIL had a lunch outing with the facility group, so husband and I dashed over to join in. And broke my no gluten (and probably no sugar) intention. It was the right choice. We were able to assist the group and met a couple other family members, plus interacted with some of the newer residents. MIL was a bit perturbed I thought at our interacting with others. She likes to dominate and I think she resented us talking with others.

My choice at lunch was not appreciated at exercise! I have never been one to experience indigestion from my meal choices - but, boy was I uncomfortable during exercise! It was a tough class - lots of core - and my core was not happy. I still feel a bit upset - I'm thinking an extremely light dinner - if any at all. It might be time to admit I can't eat what I had at lunch.

Had to laugh at one of the residents today - she's pretty 'gone' most of the time. She's a HUGE GA fan - my husband and I went to Ga Tech and husband wears a Tech hat all the time. She kept scowling at his hat and spat at me "Does he wear that all the time?" I nodded my head and told her "even in bed!" She laughed. Then told me "Change him." Husband and I laughed back - she let me know she was talking about his beard and shook her head when I told her I like the beard. She's a character! It's so sad at times to see these people lost and upset - but they have the funniest moments at times. It's interesting when people say what they think without sugar coating. It's been such a learning experience. I about lost it one night when a resident gave me a hug and kiss after I gave her a piece of tangerine. Not much to say after that.

week ahead: Cardio tone tomorrow. Group Power Tuesday (maybe) and Weds I have my choice of Hydro Fit OR Total Body OR SPin. I will see which fits my schedule. Husband is out of town Tues afternoon until lat Weds.

eating: Get a 100% gluten free, sugar free day. With lots of water. Today, I had 1/2 piece of wheat toast. I'm getting better -but I know I need to just stop eating gluten!

Interesting conversation today with family friend who went to visit MIL. I asked how he thought she was and he insisted he thought she was "the same old MawMaw I've known for years." Said he really didn't notice any mental issues. He did say she spent about 10 mins berating her husband and daughter, saying they tricked her to enter the facility and once she got out, she was going to pay them back. Change her will. He said he changed the subject as soon as he could and she happily went along with change. When we stopped by tonight, she seemed rather dazed. She went to her daughters for a few hours today. She said she had a good time, but then proceeded to complain to us about not being allowed outside, made to go to bed early (a few days ago it was they wouldn't let her go to bed), blah blah blah. She always did love to complain (ever since I started dating my husband) - so this is nothing new.

This week: focus more on me and my immediate family - and work, of course. Got to get a ton done this week. Reduce time and energy spent on MIL.

Legs are astonishingly sore today from Spin class. I had a massage this afternoon and I hope that will help in getting the lactic acid out.

Younger son texted today from college. Says he thinks it's going to be another tough semester. I laughed at myself after I texted him not to get too stressed and find time for a bit of fun. Didn't have to tell our older son that...

Visited a bit with MIL. She told me she's taking the finances away from FIL...and not going to let him know where she moves the money. Then mentioned another resident, who spends most of her time searching the facility for her son and daughter. MIL told me "her children are older than I am. Her daughter is 39 or 40." MIL is 82. The other resident looks to me to be about 70. It's amazing to me how she can carry on relevant conversations (we chatted about my mother and the family lunch the other day) and then make these absurd comments. I see how she has improved in many ways, but then I also see the confusion in her eyes and hear the unbelievable stories. Caregiver tonight told us MIL actually slept 3 hours in a row the other night. MIL tonight also told us "all the people in this area have Alzheimer, bad" Husband and I both waited with held breath - waiting for her to either admit she has it, or ask why she was there. Neither happened. We just nodded our heads.

Visited FIL also tonight. He is coming for dinner tomorrow. Having a meeting Saturday am with him and his children to discuss POA and estate info. I'm glad he is open to this meeting. I hope the right plan is out into place. He admitted tonight that he was blind to what was going on with MIL's mental state. Chose not to see. I know he feels guilty she is in a facility. We keep telling him he is doing the right thing - for her safety and well being.

Enough of the sad stuff. I almost made a gluten free day. tomorrow is another day to get it right.

Spin class today was quite challenging. Regular instructor was off and Brenda subbed. She is a tough one. She's the one I wrote about months ago from group power - being envious of her physique. I walked in with a new to the class person who I met in the hallway - she was debating between the yoga or spin class. I convinced her to try spin. She was not happy with her choice! She said something to me afterwards about never listening to me again. Brenda surprised me by saying "I have you in my phone as 'eucalyptus girl.'" I always take a cold, wet cloth, soaked in eucalyptus oil/water into class to wipe my face with and give me a boost of scent. She caught a whiff of it months ago. I am surprised she keeps notes of people in her class. I used the last cloth today, so I need to make a new batch up tomorrow. Feeling good about my efforts so far to get back to exercise at the gym.

Unfortunately, after I left class, I ran into my BIL's former wife's BIL. WE ended up chatting for a few minutes, then his wife came up. It was evident she was not pleased to see me, although her husband seemed clueless. This is the sister of the woman we had to tell to quit visiting MIL - at MIL's request. COmplicated and messy. My husband and I are seen as the bad guys here, even though FIL and MIL both have requested multiple times that we tell her to leave them alone. It's complicated in that FIL and MIL still want a relationship with this woman's parents - lifelong friends. SO - I am half expecting to get a text or call from my former SIL...I know her mother visits my MIL - and I am sure if she questions my MIL about former SIL visiting, MIL would say "of course" - but then tell us again to keep her away.

SO - I am toying around with my 18 week plan. 18 weeks to end on a positive note for the year. I will have blood draw tomorrow. Results? Maybe on line in a week or so, but appt to review not til mid sept.

Monday, I made it back to Cardio Tone class. Good class. Didn't do too badly, but I have felt it yesterday and this morning. I was not able to make it to Group Power yesterday - but I intend to do the SPIN class today. I WILL get a regular exercise routine going.

I have blood draw tomorrow and then my follow up with functional med person next month to review. I am disappointed in my reaction to the supplements they have me on. I have never felt so bone deep tired until I started these supplements. There is one in particular that seems to upset my stomach. Weight is roughly same, couple pounds down. Have I made a 100% effort? NO. I am more disappointed in myself than my reaction to the supplements, as I should be.

There are roughly 18 weeks left in the year. 18 weeks to do my best to finish up the best year of my life.

Lunch with MIL yesterday and husband's cousin and her Armenian friend. The Armenian friend made Armenian food - really tasty. MIL seemed to enjoy it. I brought a plate back for the nurse on charge. MIL seemed to take some offense at that. I think she wanted to be the only one who had tasted Armenian food. MIL is exhibiting some more confusion and dazed ('little girl") eyes. I am skipping our family lunch today to have lunch with my mother. I actually don't think it's a good thing for her to miss her facility lunch 2 days in a row - not sure how she will act when she gets back. FIL keeps pushing to either move her home or into assisted living. There is no way she could function in either - she is where she belongs. I mentioned that she could probably move into assisted living if he went with her - and he shook his head.

SO - onto to today. Financial review with my mom, lunch with her and sister, work, exercise, healthy dinner. AND I WILL NOT SNACK AFTER DINNER tonight. Water water water. Gluten free. Sugar free.

Spent some time last night and today coming up with a new monthly menu plan for dinners. It came together fairly quickly. I have set it aside for a while and will go back tonight to finish it up. I need to review and make sure I took into account dog training classes and exercise and other known activities and make sure each dinner accommodates that night's activities. I did not account for eating out, as I hope we will minimize that - and I haven't planned sides - but the sides are an easy addition. Now - to get to living the plan. With son leaving for school, I am motivated to get our eating under control.

Meeting last night with SIL and BIL to discuss in part MIL and FIL. everyone agrees MIL cannot go home. went to visit MIL and she spun some tale about the facility firing her personal care sitters. Gotta get some feedback from facility staff cause there's usually some sliver of truth in her tales. SIL was talking last night about her next trip....

Enough of the stuff that annoys me. We are at the lake to take boat out of water. Will try to get out for a ride in a bit. We will spend night here and take boat home tomorrow. Not sure if we will get the boat in the water again this year. It's been a bad year for lake and boat usage.

Focus this coming week: set and live a schedule: food, exercise, cleaning house, work.

Years ago, when I was still in the corporate world, I was 'encouraged' by upper management to find some training classes I wanted to attend. Silly them - they thought they were grooming me for a management position. I knew then, and never hid the fact, that my plan was to quit and work with my husband in our business. BUT - I did take advantage of the training - and 1 class I took was effective communication. At the time, I had a guy on my team who resented that I was project leader. No matter what I talked to him about - it never was done, or was done incorrectly, or was just a total FUBAR. I wracked my brain, trying to figure out what the problem was - what I was doing wrong, how could I improve communication???? Took me forever to realize he was just screwing with me. I'm glad I took the class - because it has helped me in some ways.

The reason I write about this - caregiver did not show up last night!!! After all the prepping and discussion I have had with everyone...WTH??? When I called the agency, I was told there was confusion and misunderstanding. HOW??? 5 conversations. The caregiver herself told me the days/nights she wanted. I changed our schedule to accommodate her - resulting in at least 5 more calls to the other agency and private person. So - of course, last night I rethought every conversation and phone call, text, note - and it reminds me of that situation in my corporate job. No matter how careful I am, how dedicated to detail - I just have a feeling this is the norm - expect problems! UGH. They sent over an emergency person to relieve FIL who headed over there. I have no idea how the night went - we shall see. The new private person has her first night tonight, so we will be there to figure out how things went.

So - to me - Spin class again weds. Did better than last week - but still struggling. Felt good to be there again. Came home and did hand weights, abs and stretching. Will work on getting something in today or over weekend.

Son left for college this am. I was revising my dinner planning notebook last night. Time to get back on track.

I think I have the caregiver plan worked out - 2 agencies and 1 private person. We shall see what happens. We all gathered today for lunch - and MIL was quite 'with-it'. I told my husband I feel she has been 'performing' for us the last few days, trying to convince us she is fine. I admit I think she is back where she was before the break of her arm...BUT - I have not changed my mind over where she needs to live. I can see FIL thinking he can bring her home...

I am feeling quite resentful right now. AS I have said multiple times, I do what I do because my husband needs me to do this, and his father and mother need help. but, hearing SIL and her husband discuss over lunch their multiple vacations this summer has me agitated. We are about to get slammed at work again...and I am still quite put out with BIL who works for us and his abuse of our good will. I so want to get away for just a few days - but I can't. I am trapped. Sorry for the pity party. I would not exchange my life...I just want a couple days to do what I want to focus on my health. SOmeday. (But, day after day, the show must go on and time slipped away, before you could build any castles in spain, the chance had gone by...)

Made it to SPin class tonight. I may actually do some hand weights and stretching in a minute.

Eating has been poor the last few days. Always room for improvement. Little steps. Day by day.

I'm a control freak. I think that by planning and organizing I can keep chaos away. HAHAHA. I thought I had a schedule worked out for MIL's caregivers. I just forgot - or chose to ignore - that my MIL is not rational. Planning and organizing does not make reality go the way you plan and organize for...Caregiver we had arranged for Friday did not show. Husband ended up spending the night. Caregiver Saturday night - the one my MIL has loved and wanted to write a thankyou note - became a horrible caregiver that MIL screamed at and refused to stay in the room with. And she was back tonight. FIL, husband and I all were there when caregiver arrived to try to figure out what happened. We explained to MIL that the caregiver was someone she has liked in the past. That seemed to make her better - BUT, when I mentioned to the caregiver that I was told she would be a regular 3 nights a week, she said she had other plans and the scheduler had not gotten with her. So - I think she is refusing to sit with MIL after this weekend. I have a meeting tomorrow with service owner - and I will find out what is going on.

Thoughts: MIL knows that if there is a problem, her son will come stay with her. FIL mentioned tonight "If there's a problem, I will come and sleep here." SO - I think she is causing issues so caregivers quit - and her husband or son have to be there. Am I paranoid or what? We talked to the normal staff to find out what was going on and they were just as confused. Said they had no idea what went wrong.

SO - tomorrow, I have more plotting and planning and organizing. How to outwit a person with dementia??? I am ready to step back again and let SIL handle stuff - problem is - she won't and my husband will have to do everything.

Nice day at lake with friends today. Hope to get up there a couple more times before they start lowering the water level.

I have exercise class on schedule for tomorrow. Another chance tomorrow to be gluten and sugar free. Didn't get meals planned in detail today - although I did go shopping last Friday and there's plenty in the freezer. Just gotta get organized (HA!) in the morning.

Spin class tonight!!! It was tough. I struggled - and it was only 30 minutes. But what a 30 minutes! There was a group power class right afterwards that I had been considering going to. I knew there was no way after that class. Which makes me feel bad. I am so weak right now. BUT - I am choosing to be proud that I made it back to the gym.

Been scrambling again to find caregivers for MIL. The service we are using is not listening to us - or choosing to misunderstand us - or not believing us - regarding her not sleeping. She may drift off for 15 minutes here and there - but she DOES NOT sleep. I don't know how she does it. But the caregivers they are sending run out almost screaming the next day because...she didn't sleep. So - today, I contacted the group we used at home and requested the one caregiver MIL liked. Arranged to have her 2 nights a week. The service we are currently using has a caregiver MIL likes - so she will work 3 nights a week. And the service will attempt to find someone the other 2 nights. This way, we have a better chance of having coverage all nights. That took up 1/2 my day - and it's still not all the way completed.

LeanJean6 had a saying on her blog today... certain things will never go back to how they used to be. So true. So sad. My MIL will never be as she used to be. I am realizing how our lives are never going to be how they used to be. I caught my older son staring at me a few times after our lunch with his grandmother. I imagine he is realizing how quickly I may be in that same situation...

On to better thoughts...I made it back to exercise. TOMORROW will be a full out effort to be gluten and sugar free.

Husband mentioned today how tired he is...and I agreed I was tired as well. I think it has a lot to do with his mother and her situation. Think I've mentioned that at least a few times here already. Just acknowledging it. We've been up there the last couple nights to meet the mandatory night sitter - her fall last Weds resulted in a first warning to us - if she continues to fall, she must leave. Last night, we had a little party going - she attempted to play solitaire - not too shabby, either - and we got out her cookies and cheese-its. Another resident wandered in - she offered him a snack. Another resident wandered in - same thing. We ended up with 4 residents munching on cookies as she played with the cards. This evening, no cards, just chatting. The other residents are quite happy to see us - I wonder if they have any idea who we are?

My tiredness is still bone-deep. I have gotten so weak. I got out the hand weights yesterday and was quite discouraged. Climbing around the boat the last few days, I was shocked at how weak my legs are. I must get back to the gym. I must must must.

Older son and wife will be here tomorrow to have lunch with us and his grandparents. I hope tomorrow goes well.

Someone(here? or in real life?) mentioned the seasons poem - you know, the poem or phrase that people come into your life at various times for various reasons for various lengths. I think I am applying seasons to what is going on in my life now. This is a season of taking care of others - I will get back to ...rather...I will get to...taking care of me - when I do. Whenever that may be. While in the season I am in, I will do what I can.

So much of my time and mental capacity seems to be taken up by MIL and husband's family now. Cause it is what it is. Saturday was the 1st time MIL was angry with my husband and me. She was railing on her husband when we walked in - why did you put me here, you blindsided me, I worked my butt off for you and the kids my entire life and this is what you do to me, help me out of here, I am done with you, take what you want and get out, don't come back. Not a good day, to say the least. She is occasionally rational enough that if you rarely see her, you think she's fine. She's not. I am afraid that while she is physically improving (creating new opportunities for falls), she is mentally descending into the 'ugly' stage. My grandmother was like that - very angry and ugly and mean to those she was closest to. We have seen this behavior on and off for a couple weeks now - so - is it a new phase in her disease - or is she improving mentally? My husband and I had to laugh - during her tirade she re-iterated that she is going on a food and water strike...then, 2 minutes later (no joke), my husband had her eating Cheese-its and drinking non-alcoholic wine. This disease is cruel.

When we walked in Saturday, another resident, Helen came rushing up to me, hugging me, telling me how glad she was to see me...then MIL rails at us. I laughed to husband, Helen's family probably gets railed at by Helen - strangers get the love.

So - this week: younger son is returning to work location for 2 weeks. Hope these 2 weeks are smoother than his last stint. We hope to be working from the lake this week. I have a ton of paperwork to get to. If we are at the lake, I will work on getting in my walks with the dogs. And hand weights. We believe our oldest shepherd has a pituitary tumor that is causing diabetes....have to wonder if this is the beginning of the end for her. So sad. Most perfect dog in the world. On to the week - lots to do. Action.

Long meeting day at work yesterday went well. our older son, who works for one of our subcontractors, was in charge of the presentation - in addition to being the person behind the work being approved. He did great. I am so glad to see him succeeding - he and his work is very respected. Good feeling. He also had trimmed him hair and beard... ...which made me happy. I refrained from saying anything. He went through a phase of long beard...ugh...he inherited a red beard from his dad. His dad is now grey, which makes me sad. I find it funny that both our sons have blond hair, but red beards. And I am astonished at the number of 'ginger beards' about - 5 of the men there yesterday had varying degrees of ginger.

Meeting today with designer for the lake house - hope we make some progress. Husband wants to get to the lake and put the boat back in the water. Spend the weekend up at the lake.

Better get going - hopefully do some walking today and this weekend. And some hand weights.

How did I do today? Fair to midlin. Closer to midlin. Not going to beat myself up, but I could have done better. Tomorrow, we have a work meeting - all day - includes lunch. I just need to make good choices. It will be a long day, including travel and taking the dogs with us. Hope tomorrow goes well - work wise and eating wise.

Today, my sister made a comment that she needed to 'get back' to exercise. She's talking about some pretty hard core things...and she has not exercised regularly (or infrequently for that matter) in years. I found myself being rather negative in my response. I did not mean to be - but I don't think she will be successful in her attempts. I had to stop myself and question, why am I trying to stop her? I'm not actually stopping her - but why wasn't I encouraging her to try? I guess because I am pretty down on myself for not doing anything since April and MIL stuff. I related to her that July would be my month to get back to my own exercise - then laughed and corrected myself - AUGUST will be the month I get back...hard to believe it is almost August. I MUST get back to regular exercising. I MUST. for sanity and health.

Lunch went fairly well. The overnight stay went better than we expected. FIL was able to getI a bit of rest, tho he was in bed and she was on recliner. It sounds as if she was behaving as she was at home, before she got really bad. After lunch, he was going home to nap, and he told us he was considering going back tonight.

Before lunch, we helped MIL get a bit more presentable, then she helped us set the table. I had her do the napkins and flatware. Interesting how she organized the napkins and flatware. She was rather confused during lunch, but she did ok. More irrational stories to make sense of her situation. Hard to follow some of what she's saying - but everyone went along with what she said. FIL was a bit emotional afterwards.

Eating has been horrible today - back to basics tomorrow. I am so tired tonight - not sure what is going on.

Well...as happens quite often...one friend got sick - texted a couple hours before we were to get together. I told the other friend we'd do it another time, since I know how busy she is. Made husband come up to the lake - and we just had a nice night up there. It is relaxing up there. It rained - poured and stormed. I was very disappointed. But - it's ok. We will get together someday.

MIL was bit more even keeled on Sunday. It's interesting to hear some of her stories she is coming up with to make sense of her situation. She has guilted FIL into spending the night with her tonight. He said she promised to stay in her bed if he stays on the recliner. It's not going to happen. I am taking lunch for them and one of her nieces and her husband and friend tomorrow - I am not sure what to expect now. Evidently she told FIL she is not going to eat with us...reminding myself she is not in control - the disease is in control - take what you get and move on. I am doing what I am because I want to...I'm just not sure how much I will continue. If tomorrow is as bad as I am imagining, I may be done with lunches. And that's ok.

Been very tired again today. Had too much sugar yesterday - I ended up tossing and turning a good portion of the night. Leg hurting. Watching what I eat today - but the emotional eating is getting to me.

I am so excited for tonight. I am having my 2 oldest, bestest friends up to the lakehouse for dinner and possibly a sleep over. It has been decades since we have done a sleepover! I am fairly sure the crazy, busy friend will end up leaving tonight and not spend the night - but that's ok. I am cooking, so we are just going to have a lazy, comfy dinner and night. I have 2 good bottles of wine (they may or may not be opened), a pack of cards in case we resurrect our old habit of staying up all night playing cards , and will have good food for us once I stop at the store. We are celebrating the crazy, busy friend's birthday - so I will get some flowers, balloons, and a very small cake.

Visiting MIL yesterday was hard. She is lucid enough to be upset. She started crying, commenting that she is not even allowed to go outside by herself, that the alarms go off if she tries to leave. True. She is semi-continuing her 'strike'. This means she usually skips every other meal - she is still eating better and more often than she was at home, so, it's not really an issue. Her mental status is the issue. We had FIL to dinner last night and took the opportunity to talk to him about how important the routine and activities are to MIL. I think he finally got the message...maybe? More important, I uncomfortably told him how he should NOT allow her, or anyone else, to make him feel guilty - that he is honoring his love for his wife and their marriage by taking care of her and having her in this facility. And that if she were in her right mental state, she would realize he is taking care of her. My FIL is not an emotional extrovert, if you will. When he was about 8,his mother gave away his dog while he was at school because she hated the dog hair - I think he learned early in life to hide his emotions. This is a hard situation for everyone. Husband & I stopped by last night to see if she had calmed down - she was having a shower, so we talked to the nurse, who told us she was doing much better than she was in the afternoon - and left. Husband will go by today by himself.

While I am at the lake...with my friends....YEA!!! It's a very overcast day today - but that's ok. The boat is not in the water - that's ok too. We will eat, visit, maybe laze in the water...just enjoy doing nothing.

Back on the gluten free path today - and so far, so good on the no sugar path. Emotional eating is tugging at me. Work stress - problems and problems on the job site. Had to have lunch with my BIL who works for us - and it really grated on my nerves - and I had to restrain myself when he played dumb about stuff at work. Calm myself - we have enough 'real' issues to handle right now.

MIL is acting up. As we suspected, the visit Saturday from old friends has been disturbing to her. Hope she calms down soon. I started to say, hope she returns to normal soon - but there is no normal anymore.

OK - enough bad stuff. Time to focus on the positive. Eating well. Just returned from grocery store. I have veggies to cook for tonight. Lots and lots of veggies.

Today, finally weighed - a tad bit down. Nothing significant. Because...had gluten on Sunday. And sugar. we had friends visit at the lake. I provided bread for snacking - and dessert. Guess I could have either been a bad hostess and NOT provided bread or frozen pie (altho I know they love both) - or had a backbone and not eaten any of it. So, when I packed up the next morning to leave, guess what got snacked on. SO - 2 days of gluten. Time to get back on the effort. I have a month until I return to the functional med people. A month - surely I can stay the course for a month. Surely.

I did notice more tenderness in my knees. And I am bone deep tired. However, my husband mentioned how tired he is as well. I think it has something to do with his mom and her condition. It really does wear on you. My right hip (burstits) and knee (tendonitis) and IT band are giving me issues at night again. I iced last night - it helped a bit.

To motivate myself, I re-read my lab reports. Started the notebook again for tracking food. Now - to actually use the knowlege and make a difference.

MIL - latest story - when we stopped by Sunday, she matter-of-factly mentioned she had asked FIL for a divorce - and she is following through with it...

We've been at lake for the last week. I don't have a scale here. It will be interesting to weigh tomorrow am. I feel lighter, having been a week (yes - 1 whole week) gluten free. Sugar front - still getting some in - so will work on that this week.

Went by to see MIL yesterday for a little. Old friends were there visiting. One of them kept making side comments to me - MIL was across the table - about MIL. She HATES being talked about and her hearing is excellent. I finally asked him if he wanted to see down the hall and went and had a private conversation with him. Told husband we are going to have to do damage control with his father now - the old friends wanted to know why she can't be at home, why we can't take her out everyday, why she can't do days at home and nights at the facility, and on and on and on. It's a tough situation - no situation is the same. MIL is where she needs to be - I hate to admit it - it's hard to see. It's hard to believe. But - it IS.

This week - continue gluten free. Work on sugar free.Exercise? Not sure. The book I am reading suggests taking a break. Interesting. Will see. Lots of work to do.

My heart goes out to you. As caregiver for my family for years, I understand some of what you are going through.My uncle learned the code to open the door at the facility he was in. One day they couldn't find him. He was in the nearby corn field. Once a farmer, always a farmer? That is scary when we have to worry about their security.

My sisters and I have Hashimoto's. Our illnesses seem to run in the family, so I scheduled an appointment after they were diagnosed. If you are not sure of the diagnosis they gave you, have you checked with an endocrinologist?

Why are they having you do gluten free? Is that related to the Hashimoto's?

I get hot flashes at night, too. Only solution is to get out of bed and cool off. Does sugar cause hot flashes at night?

Always nice to have company on the journals, isn't it? Not too many Sparkers wander that way. I do a lot of my thinking in my journal.Hope you have a good day.Annie

Got a meal plan for today - in my head - once off here, I will write it down in the notebook. I have a mid August appt with the functional med people, so plan is to keep this notebook from now until then, writing down any reactions I notice. Lunch is planned to be out with FIL - however, got a call early this am that MIL fell and is at ER - cut on forehead. Husband is there now. Not sure how this impacts rest of day. Understanding at this point is that the cut is superficial. Bigger question is how she fell and why night caregivers are not watching her. I know she cannot be watched 100% of the time...but she seems to be falling fairly frequently, which implies she needs more supervision. AND, as I told my husband, it raises the issue of whether she is intentionally falling...yes - I know I sound paranoid or crazy with this statement...but it needs to be raised. She has stated she hates the place and wants to get out. In her mind, she may be trying to get us to take her out of there because of her frequent falls. She is still quite wily (at certain times), so it is entirely possible. Will watch and see. I think we need to schedule a meeting with the team coordinator to find out what the night staff is doing with her - or not doing.

Started a new book last night on Hashimoto's. Trying to get educated. I guess I should get motivated to actually do something instead of just read about what to do.

Eating was much better yesterday. Didn't journal this morning (too much to get to) but I've done pretty good today eating wise. So far to day - no gluten. I don;t think I had any yesterday either. Tons of water. A little bit of sugar - both yesterday and today - room for improvement. No exercise. I'm getting better.

Had to 'referee' the meeting between MIL and her niece and nephew today. It was a good visit. They were kind to visit and I think MIL had a good time. She is getting stronger and is able to walk herself around in the wheelchair. She made a bee-line for the outer door today after the visit...luckily a caregiver noticed what was going on and re-directed her. As I was punching in the code to get her out of her restricted area, I noticed her watching me very closely...LOL. I warned the caregivers she may now know the code to get out. She is now mentioning how she is determined to recover her strength so she can get out of there...

I must find a way to reduce my time there. My own mother seems a bit miffed with me and I am sure it is because of how much time I spend there - and how little time I spend with her. Something to work on.

Perhaps journaling first thing is the way to go about motivating myself - Forging the path for the day?

Back to basics, as per flylady? Water. No gluten. No sugar. Self care. Organization. Exercise. All on the plan today.

Yesterday, we attended an outing and I had a bite of several things I normally don't have. Mistake. Too much sugar. Last night, I woke multiple times with semi-hot flashes. I know these are sugar related. So - why eat sugar? Not worth it.

Son is out of town for work the next 2.5 weeks. Back to just husband and I. Makes it easier eating wise. We are hoping to be at the lake most of that time. A quick run home each day to check on MIL and pick up mail. Will probably have dinner with FIL at least once a week if not more. My older son made his 'weekly check-in' call yesterday. I laughed and said I guess we've reached that age...he said it was more for his grandparents info than us.

So -today - get on track to how I want to live - Healthier. Happier. Hopeful.

Weight back up again. I have not successfully eliminated gluten or sugar, despite what I told myself. I'm in a bit of a funk. And, I wonder - am I in a funk because of my weight, my inability to make a commitment to change...or is the funk partially a result of what I'm eating. I am stuck going round and round. And the personal situation isn't helping.

MIL has good days and bad days. Dealing with her sister, ex-DIL, situation itself has been draining. I need to pull away. How to do that, while still offering her the support she needs...quite the quandary. I'm tired of being the 'fixer'. And then I remind myself, no one asked me to be. I have offered everything I have done. It was my choice. My problem. My feelings of responsibility. Offer in love - not obligation.

I am furious with my BIL over a work situation - and his behavior in general is grating on my nerves. SO - I really need to readjust my attitude.

And I realize I have not been to a formal exercise class in....a while. Is this also adding to my blah feeling? Is it the supplements? Is it my age, my physical condition? I have isolated myself too much lately with work and MIL situation. It is time I readjusted my focus - add some moderation - get back to exercise - no matter what. I am not where I want to be. I need to figure out where I want to go - and how I want to get there.

My weight is actually down a couple pounds - are things finally clicking? Is GF and SF the way to success? Today, I allowed a couple things to sneak back in - a bit of snacking since I have been in front of the computer with work the last couple days - I take a break and food immediately comes to my mind. Gotta stop that.

MIL has been pretty high functioning the last few days with her sister here. I know she's exhausted. I only stopped by for a second today when I picked up AIL up from the facility and dropped something off. AIL said she was very fitful today, falling asleep often and calling out in her sleep. AIL did mention she sees the dementia - big break through. I will spend some time with her tomorrow.

Tonight, I am sitting here, trying to convince myself to get up and dust and vacuum. I will do it...in a minute. Fixin to get to it. Really. Dinner is half decided. Will get on that soon.

Picked up MIL's sister today and spent the rest of the afternoon with them at the facility. My aunt (in law) is still struggling to accept what has happened to her sister and I think she is questioning us 'putting' her there. MIL was able to interact with us for a good 4 hours before she conked out. Her sister will be here a week. I know by the time she leaves, she will understand her sister is better off where she is rather than at home. When we left the facility, she told me she can't believe how much she has aged in the last 6 weeks (?) since she saw her - and how she has deteriorated physically.

Younger son returns tomorrow. I hope he has had a good vacation. Back to work on Monday for him!

I need to get back to focusing on changing my eating habits and working the supplements. I have gotten off track with GF and there's a smidge more sugar in the diet than should be. Getting back to it tomorrow. I read an article about a local woman - a couple years younger than I - a couple inches shorter than I, who went from roughly my weight to 40 lbs lighter...supposedly by 'only' realizing that 'gluten is not my friend' (what my close friend said herself, and what my doctor told me), and eliminating gluten from her diet and adding correct supplements...AND eliminating exercise. I think it's a scam! LOL. IF I can go completely GF and sugar free...will I see these results? Can I make myself be strong and committed? Yes - yes I can...question is - will I?

We took lunch to MIL and she seemed to enjoy it. FIL walked in as we were finishing and the group overseas facetimed with inlaws. It was a good encounter, although short. It taxed her mentally. We left her snoozing in the recliner. We stopped by last night and she was not in a good state. It left me quite sad and I had a hard time getting to sleep last night. I think it was 4 before I managed to doze off. There was a beautiful almost full moon last night. I sat on the porch for a bit, listening to the cicadas, smelling the gardenias, petting the dog snuggled up by my side and contemplating life and getting old...

I did manage to lift some weights at home yesterday. I missed the window of opportunity to make the cardio tone class yesterday and missed today's weight class due to spending time with MIL. But that's a miss worth it. I will get to the elliptical later tonight. I have some errands to run in a little bit and then when I get home, elliptical before husband gets home and we have a late dinner. Meal time is much easier when it's just the 2of us.

I finally started writing something I've talked about (mused about) doing for years. I have a long way to go, but at least I started. I don't ever expect it to lead to anything but it's something I'd like to get done. I have no aspirations to become a published author - but you never know...LOL. My family motto, I think. Along with Ain't that something...

Trying to find the joy and happiness in everyday life. I read a blog yesterday by someone on here who I relate to and I enjoy her writing style and agree a lot with what she writes - but I have to disagree with her conclusion - happiness can be found in the present, even if the present isn't what you want. I look into my MIL's eyes - and I don't see her there - in fact, I'm not sure I see anyone there...But - I can't let that overwhelm and depress me (as hard as that is to resist). There is joy to be found - I just need to look a bit harder. I am being challenged to be a better person - and so far, I think I'm going ok - even if I say so myself.

Talk with functional med PA has me backing off the supplements. The bone-deep tiredness continued, along with headache and then upset stomach. I stopped supplements about a week ago and am going to gradually add them back in and will see what happens. I think I know which supplement was causing me issues. No weight changes. At all. Even with eating clean. My exercise routine has been spotty and sparse. I will keep at it - and have started re-reading the book that was recommended. Funct med PA has diagnosed me with Hashimoto's - due to fact that my antibody level is extremely high...I kinda feel like this has become a 'trendy disease', if you will. My mom had her thyroid removed years ago, my sister has been on thyroid meds for years - so maybe there is something to this? Supposedly, with correct diet and supplements, I will be able to 'possibly' avoid losing thyroid functionality? I guess I am of the age where it is 'understood' thyroids stop working - and you just take meds? Still not sure I am trusting the func med results fully. All I know - I need to jump full force on the bandwagon and go gluten free. Not an easy thing for me (or anyone) AND I need to avoid sugar.

Seeing MIL - and the dementia - should be reinforcing that for me. SHOULD be causing me to do anything and everything I can to be mentally and physically as healthy as I can be. Working on it. I did go out and get a Sudoku book - and read instructions on how to do them. Been working those. I had my flute repaired - but have yet to get back to re-learning that. I have forgotten how to play...as I have barely touched it for 37 years. Wow.

It's interesting the things my MIL is talking about now. She spends a lot of time talking about her father and her horse that she had when she was in her early teens. She mentions her bad relationship with her mother (doesn't it always come back to that...LOL). Yesterday, she complained that her friends had never returned the inflatable neck cushion she had loaned them for a trip (probably 20 years ago)...I told her I'd go get it from them and then bought her one. We had already given her a pretty nice one, but it wasn't inflatable and she NEEDED that inflatable one. Yesterday at lunch, she was sitting with 2 other women. 1 of the women is pretty sharp still - and was seemingly taking delight in badgering the other woman over her confusion. This woman wanted her bill for lunch so she could leave and go home - obviously, she was thinking she was at a restaurant - the sharp woman got rather nasty telling her she was NEVER going home...my husband and I tried to diffuse the situation but it was tough. My MIL just sat there with a smile watching the situation play out - she seemed amused by the badgering of the confused woman...sad.sad.sad.

The other night when I was visiting, a woman came running up to me, hugged me and said how happy she was to see me again (never met her before). I hugged her back and said how happy I was to see her. Then she asked me my name. Hugged me. Said how happy she was to see me again. Asked me my name...I much preferred that encounter to the lunch encounter. I am learning how much kindness matters.

My ex-SIL happened to show up to visit. Both my MIL and FIL has stated many times over the last 2 months that neither wants to have anything to do with her ever again. Wasn't quite sure what to do. MIL was a bit upset, but she didn't tell my ex-SIL to leave. She pursed her lips and gave me quite a look though. Hopefully we can get that situation taken care of somehow. The facility is not allowed to restrict access to anyone, but they can alert us to when she shows up.

Son left today for a trip to Italy with my SIL and her family. Hope they have a good time, but I can't help but feel a bit frustrated and overwhelmed with all we have going on here. I really hope I find some time later this year to go away for a bit. Not holding my breath, but maybe at end of summer? I'm just trying to get to the end of each day with a grateful heart...

The past 8 weeks have been challenging. MIL moved into facility Weds afternoon. We briefly went by Friday to drop something off, but did not visit with her. Staff thinks it best if we give her a chance to acclimate. FIL has gone by a couple times. He said she was quite hostile. While I know this is the best place for her, I am sad it has come to this. Today, we had to go by to assist FIL as his basement is flooding, apparently a sewer stop up. I am appalled at the state of the basement. While the water (yes - just water) is a problem, the bigger problem is all the stuff in the basement. It's overwhelming. And I know that will now become our problem to deal with. Feeling blah. I started April so motivated - and made it 1/2 way through the month with my jogging challenge. Then MIL issues took over mid April and lasted through May. Now, I am mentally and physically exhausted.

I did meet with the func med PA and started a vitamin and detox regiment. I am feeling extra bone deep tired. Is that the cause? I was thinking after a couple weeks of these new supplements, I'd be feeling a bit better....but no - more tired and sore. I'll keep the routine up - and work on cleaning up the diet even more. And hope to see some good changes soon.

Exercise wise - we're back at the lake and I've increased my walking time and steps with the dogs. We are walking slower as the dogs are both old and tired. But, we're getting the steps in. I am not cure whether or not I will get to Cardio Tone on MOnday. The way I am feeling, I am not sure I can keep up with the class. I'll see how MOnday goes.

This past week - lots of caregiving, lots of work. Only exercise has been a few dog walks. I keep telling myself it's ok - and it is.

Had an appointment with func med to review blood work. Interesting stuff. Not sure I believe all of it - but I'll give it a go and work the plan and see what happens. The majority of the recommendations boil down to: reduce carbs and sugar. Something my husband has been telling me for years - and something I know at heart. I started some new supplements - we shall see what happens.

we were able to move furniture into the facility today. Room is about 80% set up. Move-in day is set for Weds. Hoping to move to Tues - but more than likely, it will remain Weds. BIL is home this weekend and we have seen some improved behavior. I guess she is mustering her strength to appear somewhat normal for him. Next week is going to be emotional.

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