Oh! and here's one i prepared earlier.
Those cooking shows are full of . . . well, you know.
How come they can chop, slice, dice, cube and grate onions and not once, have I seen any of the dozens of celebrity chefs shed one single tear.

And how come in any washing powder/liquid advert when the woman pulls out a shirt out of washing machine the thing is already a) dry b) IRONED

Approximately 200 dead crows were recently found near Northam on the Great Eastern Highway in Western Australia and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A bird pathologist examined the remains of all the crows and confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu (to everyone's relief). However, he determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks and only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

The State Government then hired an ornithological behaviourist to determine the disproportionate percentages for truck versus car kills. The ornithological behaviourist determined the cause. The conclusion in short order was: When crows eat road kill, they always set-up a look-out crow in nearby trees to warn of impending danger.

His conclusion was that the lookout crow could say "Cah", but he could not say "Truck."

An Irishman, by the name of O'Malley proposed to his girl on St. Patrick's Day. He gave her a ring with a synthetic diamond. The excited young lass showed it to her father, a jeweller. He took one look at it and saw it wasn't real.

The young lass on learning it wasn't real returned to her future husband. She protested vehemently about his cheapness.