It's a mall world, after all - or it will be if you don't enliven your stale shopping list with these Alternative Christmas Gifts.

A butler. Do you hate doing things for yourself? Calendar Group of Westport, Conn., will find you a compatible butler. One writer tested a butler and found him to be "the very soul of competence, graciousness and silent perfection." Search fee $3,000.

Official "High Times Cannabis Cookbook." Budding chefs can create appetizers such as Ganja guacamole or L'il Snoop Hot Doggy Doggs; entrees such as Time Warp Tamales or Rasta Pasta; even holiday dishes such as THC Turkey with Magic Marinade. Talk about high holidays! $18.95.

Rhinocerous encounter. India's Kaziranga National Park boasts the world's highest concentration of rhinos, tigers and elephants. Because the rhino wants to flatten you, and the tiger to devour you, elephant-back tours come with gun-toting guide. Cost of $345 per person does not include airfare, hotel or getting to a remote corner of India.

Rocking chair iPad charger. Where you see a granny in a rocking chair, Micasa Lab of Zurich saw a power source. The iRock is a traditional rocking chair but with gizmos that convert the rocking to energy that recharges your iStuff. The chair has built-in speakers so granny can hear her iTunes. $1,300.

Tickets to the Grilled Cheese Invitational. Build a festive vacation around the 10th Annual Grilled Cheese Invitational at the Rose Bowl in Pasadena in April. Tickets for $15 each at grilledcheeseinvitational.com.

Walker shoes. Replace those passe rubber tips on your favorite senior's walker (as in those four-legged metal frameworks used for support while walking - just clarifying) with stylish blue sneakers. $10 a pair at QCIdirect.com.

A walk-on role in Broadway's "Annie." Forget auditions! Give Neiman Marcus $30,000 and you step into the spotlight on The Great White Way for a one-time cameo in the musical "Annie." Upstage the dog! Call 1-877-9NM-GIFT.

Cat unicorn horn. This inflatable unicorn horn attaches to your cat's head with elastic straps. "Then," writes humorist Dave Barry, "it's time to sit back and enjoy the ensuing hilarity for several lighthearted nanoseconds. ... then it's time to go to the emergency room." $5 at archiemcphee.com.

Rammstein tickets. An East German heavy metal band, Rammstein puts on an insane stage show. Think descending to the stage in a giant uterus, apocalyptic pyrotechnics, fire-breathing masks, thunderous shredding. Their 2013 Berlin shows are sold out, so you'll have to see them in Serbia. Tix for Belgrade's Kombank Arena at 20 dinars are available at www.rammstein.de/en/.

Meerbee postcards. Depicts a bumblebee with a meerkat's head hovering over a flower. 98 cents for eight at zazzle.com.