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Wednesday, February 25, 2015

School has an uncomfortable way of proving to yourself that you can do more than you thought yourself capable of. It can disillusion your idea of what "time" is, how fast a deadline can come, and how in a week you will lose your spot on any invite list because of your repetitious "I can't. I have to study," rsvp's.

But, as people had been telling me these many numerous years, "It is only for a season."

I had grown leaps and bounds, up at 4am, in bed by 9, studying diligently for hours, being social with strangers, gaining confidence... essentially, I had become courageous.

So I graduated, took my diploma, waved goodbye to the shackles of college and found... that I am very much afraid.

School gave me back my time and in my paranoia I let it go to waste, hoping it would just pass on without me. But at least one lesson learned had remained. The lesson that even when your heart and subsequent habits are in regression, you still take those steps forward, even if you're dragging your own feet to do it.

It may be that the technique is faulty but when your psyche is telling you, "The sky is falling!" then don't bother arguing with it, just go outside and let reality prove whether it is or isn't. And if it is falling? well then at least you didn't waste energy debating it.
And even then, even if failure and fears are winning, still life is desperately, and somehow victoriously, depending on God's grace and faithfulness. His mercy and good plans defy the crumbling sky.