Karen Leigh Hopkins

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Ever had one of those teachers that simply will not tolerate bad behaviour? Well, elementary school teacher, Miss Meadows (Katie Holmes) is one of those teachers. Miss Meadows is a pillar of society, and acts with a certain sense of grace and elegance that delights her friends and neighbours. But Miss Meadows’ extra-curricular activities are certainly not on the usual syllabus, as she tracks down and kills unsavoury members of the community. But when an investigation begins into an unknown vigilante that ended the life of a multiple murderer, Miss Meadows realises she is being sought by the law she has worked tirelessly to protect.

How did we get here? Michael Lehmann's career seemed like one of those no-brainers, destined to slowly pour a mixture of cyanide, ammonia, and pop rocks into the drinking well of modern teen romps and romantic comedies. A debut film tends to state a director's intentions, and Heathers was the sort of debut that said "lock up your prom dresses and get out your garter belts, this ain't gonna be pretty." Somewhere, these intentions were lost like a mentally ill turtle that surprisingly found itself in the toilet bowl.

Heathers sashayed into theaters in 1989 and since then, Lehmann has turned in nothing but guilty pleasures and unfathomable duds. In hindsight, one could have never seen the man behind Hudson Hawk, My Giant, 40 Days and 40 Nights, and The Truth About Cats & Dogs also being responsible for one of the most influential films of the 1980's. But here we are: 18 years after Heathers, Lehmann reduces his talent to a spasmodic headache about... sweet Jesus, you got me.

Apparently, they learn about periods, stepfathers, breast cancer, and other Judy Blume type material. Tragically depressing, stars Elizabeth McGovern, Scott Bakula, and Alison Pill (a moody TV-movie starlet who embodies her name to a T and who wishes she could be Thora Birch) look out of place in this early-80s neo-period piece, especially Bakula with his enormous old west mustache. Basically, the movie treads the same ground as a hundred after-school specials. Snooze.

One of the worst atrocities of American cinema in recent memory, here we get a one-two punch from two women (Susan Sarandon and Julia Roberts) who really should have known better. The setup: Ed Harris is leaving his dried-up wife for a younger dish (see if you can guess who plays who), but mom won't leave well enough alone after she discovers stepmom is incompetent. A cancer diagnosis ensues, but there'll be lots of singing and cleansing tears before the funeral. Shiver. Just thinking about this story makes us throw up in our mouths a little bit. Chris Columbus's most notorious work.