The Lesbian Cult : Are You In Or Out?

In a few weeks of having met and chatted with some, I met the ‘gang’ and this gang of six-seven women became the path way to meeting new people. Hanging out with them felt awesome. Like I belonged… We dressed alike – skinnys and converse, had similar tastes and yes, we loved women! Midnight drives, dinners, long telephone conversations, shopping sprees, and coffee sessions – all became de rigueur and suddenly, I was hanging with them every night!

It’s been a year since I came out to myself and my friends.

And largely, through the support of my super supportive straight friends, put up a Facebook profile and found like-minded queer people on the Internet.

In a few weeks of having met and chatted with some, I met the ‘gang’ and this bunch of six-seven women became my pathway to meeting new people. Hanging out with them felt awesome. Like I belonged… We dressed alike – skinnys and converse, had diverse coming out stories and yes, we loved women! Midnight drives, impromptu dinners, long telephone conversations, shopping sprees, and coffee sessions – all became de rigueur and suddenly, I was hanging with them every night!

It was almost all perfect… till one day, I figured that I was shifting my focus at work, delaying work submissions and my even neglecting my friendships of many years for my ‘lesbian friends’ of a few weeks. I sent out a text asking everyone for time out explaining my need to sort my imbalanced equations. And discovered that I seemed to have antagonized the entire group in my ability to stand up and say enough. The antagonism spilled over… as suddenly, I was treated like persona non grata at many a lesbian event.

In the meanwhile, I discovered new friends largely through Facebook, L Lounge parties and Azaad Bazaar in Mumbai at my own pace. And whilst the new friends existed… meeting these old friends at common events was a given. A few weeks ago, an emotional meltdown at trying to understand this complicated tangle, provoked a pertinent query raised to me, “Are you friends with me because I am gay or because you like who I am?”

The question made me see: the visibility of a cult, of group dynamics at work. It underlined how if you had a crush on someone, it became the whole group’s business. Yes, a random infatuation shared with two or three friends seemed to have taken epic proportions. So much so that months after the crush had passed, some ‘well-meaning friend’ brought her up in a conversation and told me how hapy she is!

It also made me realize every move was dissected and bisected. You couldn’t be friends in public/digital or online spaces without someone raising an eye brow or questioning banter on your status! No exploration was private and everyone in the community had a judgment and an opinion about it… A supposed orgy after a party got discussed for months. A friend’s sexual threesome escapade became much fodder for gossip despite it being very much in her past. Or even the fact, that it took one ‘click on the delete’ button on Facebook, for an acquaintance to instantly text regretting their cold behavior.

It made me realise in the last few months why managing perceptions and people in the L-World was even more important than managing a brand! For people seemed to have an opinion without even having met you online or in real? It made me realise how fellow lesbians would nip a ‘could have been a potential relationship’ by telling another she’s not your type? Why recommendation of you being a cool person through somebody’s lens became so vital and important? Or why an off-the-cuff remark could cause a hulabaloo?

This herd mentality worries me. It makes me think – if there is scope for individuality and perhaps a ‘think’ different from the group? Can you really loose one friend and still have others from the same group as your unbiased friends? Can you handle the sudden bitchiness and the cold vibes from a group for an equation in transition and supposedly private? Does being a lesbian automatically qualify for your life becoming visible to every other: Who you are vibing, who you fought with, whose girlfriend you had a little extra conversation with, or who you didn’t hug become chatter for weeks… All because you want to be a part of the community?

As someone still trying to find my own space and niche in the community – because being gay does make us flock together –I want to be in a group and yet not lose my individual voice? Is it possible to do so without making more enemies than friends? How do you suss the undercurrents? How do you deal with the constant-being watched?

The only way, I realize for now, is making and maintaining your own equations, being friends with everyone and spending one-on-one time getting to know people. And finding your own true flock of common-minded people… It also makes me see that wisdom lies in keeping quiet and sharing your opinion with no-one else but your diary!

Will I succeed? Will I be ‘in’ and yet be ‘out’? The next few months will reveal all…

*Disclaimer: These comments are written as an external observer/ coffee cup in the no mans world of the odd social network or two*

TT – First, really interesting article! And you gotta whole lotta *respect* coming your way from me for putting this up here/out there/ in a public forum.

Second, I think the ‘L-world’ that you speak of is a confluence of both an intense culture and a space (such as facebook for e.g.) that affords a lot of intensity and scrutiny. They both seem entwined to such a large extent – that it seems hard to separate the two and make rational decisions or your ‘own equations’ like you speak of without one influencing the other. And being vested in a particular community’s interests may make us more pliable towards allowing a certain greater degree of ridiculousness to creep into our lives – more than what we would normally allow.

That said, as individuals we wear many caps everyday in real life or the online world – And in the end, we end up navigating them fine. with a lot of head scratching, sure! but just fine!
Like I once mentioned to someone about coming around to being Queer : “Just take your time getting rid of parts of your identity – its not all or nothing”
And it never is. Good luck being yourself!

I had very similar experiences in the lesbian community, I was in a lesbian sorority (seriously!)… now I feel much more understood and welcome and safe and comfortable in a queer feminist group. With this new group it is not so important what I look like, who I am sleeping with, or whether I listen to the same music and wear the same clothes or not. With my queer feminist group I can have long debates and discussions with my friends (and disagree with them and still be friends!), and be sure that they are not continually (and intentionally) sizing me up.

It takes experience to find that safe space, but I am positive that you will find one as long as you keep trying 🙂

I can totally relate to your post TT. I think it’s unfair how sometimes we have to choose between following what a particular group thinks is correct and in the midst of it we end up losing our individual identity. True friendship shouldn’t have to be choosing between different conditions, it shouldn’t make us feel like we’re losing something only that we’re gaining something.

yes…TT..ever since i joined up…(its been two years)..i too have learnt many new things and most of them have been mentioned by you…and yes the FB land is still a small window…much more to know…to explore..:-D

Follow Gaysi

Gaysi is a space where the Desi-Gay community comes together and shares personal stories, their triumphs and failures, their struggles and their dreams, their hopes and despair. And in doing so, gives other gaysis a sliver of hope too. More