Author. Walker. Badass.

god daughters

As I previously wrote, I love to spoil The Reds when they come to visit me, so BFF and I decided a trip to Bearizona was for sure in order. I mean, what is not to love about wild animals that you can drive past slowly? That doesn’t scream danger at all in any shape or form. The girls love going there and I have a year pass, so we loaded us all in my car and took off to get up close and personal with some wildebeests. Little did I know that this trip would be quite the up close and personal adventure with an asshole elk.

Let me first tell you that I have this little obsession with Disney antenna toppers for my car. I am religious about changing them out for every holiday and any time I feel like it. I have them for just about any occasion. At the time of our trip to Bearizona, I had a Disney castle on my antenna because we are about to go there in 2 weeks. This particular topper was a gift and was brand new….and it is no longer in my possession after this trip thanks to a certain asshole elk. For real…an elk. And for the record, elk are assholes.

I know that animals can come up to your car while driving through Bearizona….remember the bear that tried to climb on Bubby’s car? So there we are, minding our own business just driving along making noises, talking to animals (you can have your windows down except where there are bears and wolves), commenting on them and we drive into a new part of the park which contains deer and elk. The girls get all excited because there are a bunch of deer all around us and they are from the city. Then we see him….the asshole elk. He is up against the car in front of us, possibly peeing on it, we weren’t sure, but he was definitely curious about the SUV. Now, if you don’t know anything about elk, well, they are GINORMOUS. You for sure don’t wanna hit one of these creatures with your car, because you will be seriously fucked up. I have seen some gnarly accidents from elk. And I don’t even think this asshole was fully grown.

Can you see how big this asshole is? We couldn’t decide if he was trying to pee on that SUV or not….and look….he brought friends

After a few minutes, this asshole elk decides he is gonna check out the next car….ours. I thought I could maybe avid this by slowly pulling forward, but no. His asshole friends, the deer, surrounded us and I could do nothing but sit there and witness the carnage that was about to happen. First, the elk walked all around my car, sniffing, peeing, who knows what he was doing, but he for sure pushed it several times with his head. I am not gonna lie. It was slightly terrifying to me. All I could think was to please don’t turn over my car. I don’t wanna call Bestie and tell her that we got into an accident because some asshole elk decided to push my car over and injure her babies. There was lots of screaming (I am not sure if it was scary or funny to everyone else) and excited talking going on as the asshole elk rounded the passenger side of the car. Then it happened. Carnage. Destruction. The asshole elk spied my castle antenna topper and thought it would make a good snack. He literally put my whole car antenna in his mouth, plucked off the castle and started chewing it…all the while looking at me like “What? You gonna do something about it? Fuck your castle. It tastes like fucking pixie dust and I like it.” We sat there, still unable to move, with more screaming from the Reds and watched the asshole elk chew on the castle and stare at us. A few minutes later, he decided it was inedible and spit it on the ground as if to say “That is what I think of your fucking inedible castle. Why am I not in Neverland?” As I was lamenting over the loss of my castle, Big Red stated “Well, it is just right there Nina but it looks a little covered in elk slime.” There was no way in hell I was gonna get out of my car to get it so we all just looked at the slimy version of my castle in the dirt. I then cursed asshole elk for taking my new antenna topper to which he replied by blowing snot all over the side window and started licking the back one. This is where BFF pointed out that his asshole deer friends had left and we pulled away slowly, leaving the asshole elk to torture the truck behind us. The castle had fallen and was left behind in ruins and elk slime. Ew. Asshole.

Asshole elk right after he nudged my car and started walking around it to get to what he thought was a tasty treat“Tastes like fucking pixie dust”

After leaving the asshole elk behind, the rest of the day was filled with the adventure of discovering new things like how one of the badgers does not like polka-dotted umbrellas and they make a hissing sound when pissed off (don’t ask how we know this…). It also ended with a trip to our favorite pie place in town where we gorged ourselves on giant slices of pie. Because pie. Do we need another reason? I will be sad someday if my Reds ever tell me they don’t want to go to Bearizona because I love going there and spending time with them. They are my favorite Reds of all times….and we have grand adventures.

Does it get any cuter than this? Pretty sure it does not

Oh yeah. I didn’t die today. I did discover that elk are assholes and I really should make sure my antenna topper is off my car next time I go to Bearizona, but I didn’t die. I am Fat Girl with a close encounter with an asshole elk who thought my castle would taste like fucking pixie dust Running. The experiment continues….

This past week I was lucky enough to have a visit from my two god daughters, the Reds, for several nights. Per usual, they were spoiled rotten the entire time they were here. I also love thinking of new things to do with them while they are visiting, so they don’t get too bored and this time was no exception. You see, I had heard about this special Secret Swing located up on the mountain behind my house and I was determined to find it. Just the thought of their being a Secret Swing up on the mountain was intriguing. Why was it there? Who built it? Why keep it a secret? Is it magic? Is it protected by faeries? Is there just one ring to rule them all? All these questions kept nagging at me and so I got some directions from a couple of co-workers and with the girls in tow, Bubby, Pocket GF and I started out on our Quest for the Secret Swing. Why? Because we believe in magic. And in quests.

I wish I could say that we had special weapons with us, magic or even a dragon, but alas we had none of them. Just water bottles, our cell phones and a cute little doggie named Lola to accompany us. The Reds were super excited and we made short work of finding our way to the main path into the woods that would take us to Mt. Doom and the Secret Swing. We accidentally went the wrong way at first but quickly realized our error and turned around. We got to where one co-worker told us she hikes straight up the mountain we have now nicknamed Mt. Doom to get to our destiny. We stood there for a few minutes and thought….ummmmmm…..nope. Not gonna hike up the side of what sure to be certain death with two children in tow just to find a swing. Nope Not happening. I mean, this was straight up a steep hike up the side of Mt. Doom. Especially with me being asthmatic, the Reds being from sea level and Bubby being a smoker. Nope. Luckily, I knew my other co-worker who lived in my hood was up and called her getting the most odd set of directions involving a bed of rocks, several paths and then a hike up to the top of Mt. Doom. Hmmmm. We doubted we would be able to find it although Big Red did say maybe we would discover the door to Narnia in our quest and Mr. Tumnus would come out to greet us all. I must admit, that would be cool. So we continued our trek, finding the directions, once we saw what we were looking for, to be quite accurate in a descriptive way.

The quest to possibly find the entrance to Narnia

After a short steep trek upwards on a much gentler trail than the side of Mt. Doom, we reached the top and the search began in earnest. We were quickly realizing that this quest might not come to the end that we had hoped. The mythical pile of rocks that marked the Secret Swing had yet to be found and we were getting discouraged. All of a sudden, I see something that could only be described as pile of rocks in front of a tree and I called out to our group. Although I had yet to spot the swing, which I am sure was cloaked in magic, we all started running the best you can in the woods towards the rocks. Bubby yells he sees it and there it is…in all it’s gloriousness. The object of all our desires…the Secret Swing. In the middle of the woods, up on top of Mt. Doom, someone had indeed constructed the perfect swing to swing out over the side of the mountain. It was beautiful.

The legendary swing exists! We made it to the top of Mt Doom and we are rewarded! Now who has the ring?

Happy Dances of Joy were done, virgins sacrificed, and great fun was had by all. You really could not ask for a more beautiful setting for a swing. My fat butt even got upon the swing and I had a turn. It really was a little scarier than it looks if you looked down while you were swinging. I even called upon my mad selfies kills and managed to take some pics while swinging. It really is harder than it looks. Go ahead and try it someday. If the vertigo you get from trying to take a selfie while swinging doesn’t get to you, you might drop your phone and it might die. I have mad skills though.

Mad skills I tell you. Why is Bubby a creeper?Me attempting to swing….My face though

After everyone had fulfilled their heart’s desire of swinging, we hiked back down off of Mt. Doom to go eat some burgers cuz we deserved it. I mean we had just hiked to Mt. Doom to discover its treasure of a Secret Swing. And no, I won’t tell you how to get there. No matter how much you beg. Why? Because my friends, one does not simply hike to Mt. Doom and discover the Secret Swing. It is a treasure we shall keep to ourselves…and you can see why….

Oh yeah. I didn’t die today. I did survive the Quest for the Secret Swing and completed the hike to Mt. Doom to still not find the answer if one ring truly rules them all but I didn’t die. I am Fat Girl believing in the powers of magic and secrets Running. The experiment continues…

It is an American Easter tradition most families partake in…the requisite picture of the children with the Easter Bunny. We deck our kids out in their Easter Sunday best and trek out to the local mall, bribing them with promises of treats if they stay clean and pose for a nice picture that you can then send to the Grandparents and share on Facebook as if to say “See we are a normal American family”. My Bestie and her family are one of these families that made this trek to get the girls pictures done with the Easter Bunny…however there was one small glitch. Little Red was TERRIFIED of the Easter Bunny. You know how sometimes these pictures, whether it be with the Easter Bunny or Santa, sometimes have a crying child in them? Yup…the ones taken when she was an infant and toddler shows her screaming her head off, an obvious look of terror on her face while Big Red sits smiling prettily at the camera. It was quite comical to us adults, but the fear was real.

After a few of these therapy inducing pictures. Little Red refused to even go within a 100 yards of the Easter Bunny that I am pretty sure she thought was a reincarnation of that scary one from the movie Donnie Darko. She once made it as far as the front of the line, looked right up at her Momma and said “Nope. I can’t do it. I need to leave.” Bestie, being the great Momma that she is, allowed her to leave and Big Red had her picture taken instead. So for years, their traditional Easter picture looked like this:

Cute photo but really they do have two children…

Little Red’s fear of the slightly terrifying Easter Bunny (I have to admit they kind of freak me out as well and Seester definitely shares her fear) got to the point that she didn’t even want to visit the mall when this thing of her nightmares was there…not even to play in the playground. Really it did. This leads me to the story of how she gave BFF some words of wisdom surrounding this mystical but scary creature.

BFF and I had gone down to visit Bestie and her family and we all went out to dinner. Afterwards, the adults decided, since it was summer and it was hot, to go get some ice cream at a Dairy Queen, because who doesn’t love a good Dairy Queen ice cream cone? I know I do! I could hear my inner Fat Child squealing with delight over the possibilities of the ice cream delights they offer on the menu. Bestie quietly said to us that we should go to the DQ by her house, even though there was one in the mall we were having dinner near because the girls would want to play at the mall playground and we agreed. So, we all piled into their car and headed off to get ice cream yummies. As we passed the mall, Big Red looked up puzzled and said “Mom? Aren’t we going to get ice cream?” This is when the following conversation happened:

Bestie: “Yes honey but we are going to get it from the DQ by our house.”

Big Red, still puzzled: “But Mom, there is a Dairy Queen in the mall and it is closer. Why don’t we just go there?”

BFF could see where this was headed so she decided to head off the questioning with a comment that she was hoping to stop Big Red from wearing us all down with the endless why questions: “Sweetie, we can’t go into the one in the mall. You see, I am scared of malls.” (At this point the adults in the car are giggling)

Big Red (shock crossing her face): “You are? You are scared of malls?”

BFF: “Yup. So we have to go to the Dairy Queen by your house so I don’t get so scared.”

Suddenly there is a sweet Little Red hand on BFF’s arm, patting it comfortingly and an upturned earnest face as she says: “It’s ok. You don’t have to be scared of the mall anymore. The Easter Bunny is gone.”

Insert peals of laughter from the adults.

Needless to say, Little Red did eventually overcome this fear a few years ago so I can proudly display this traditional American Easter photo:

Fear conquered! No tears and actually letting it touch her! No therapy needed!

Oh yeah. I didn’t die today. I did, however, remember how Little Red schooled us on overcoming our fears but I didn’t die. I am Fat Girl who is also thinks the Easter Bunny might resemble something out of our nightmares Running. The experiment continues…