My girl in high school had a 12 foot boa constrictor; she named it Fluffy. That's just sick in my book. Well, we go over to her house, I don't know about the snake, and she says, "Hang on while I get into something more comfortable, okay?" and I'm like, "All right! I'll be waitin' right here! Well, maybe here—oh, hell, you'll see me." A few minutes later, she comes out wearing that snake around her neck, I'm backin' away, saying, "No, thanks, I can drive." She says to me, "No, wait, Bill! Fluffy can wrap around us while we make love." I said, "No, he can't, 'cause I'll kill him. Okay?"

[playing golf with his friends]

So finally, on about the 15th tee, I hit the drive of my life. And any of you people who play golf, you know the drive I'm talking about. The minute you hit it, you just drop your club. You hang on to the beer, let's don't get stupid. And I watch this ball just go and go and . . . kind of hit this guy in the head. And I felt bad, but he overreacted, I thought. I mean, it wasn't like a square hit; it just kind of glanced off his head. But he goes whippin' his car off the freeway, like "Here we go!" Mr. Attitude! So now, he's barrelin' down the fairway, screaming at the top of his lungs, like "What are you, some kind of cruddy golfer?" I'm like, "Hey, I hit you, didn't I? You were traveling 65 miles an hour. That's a pretty good shot, in my book."

[about "TV golfers" who try to help other people out]

He knows all the golf lingo, you know? You hit your ball, he's like, "There's a golf shot. That's a golf shot." Well, of course it's a golf shot; I just hit a golf ball. You don't see Gretzky skating around going, "There's a hockey shot, that's a hockey shot."

I might've tried bungee jumping, until I saw that video of that guy whose cord came untied. He didn't know it 'till he hit the ground. Oh, he flew off that tower, hollerin' at his buddies, "Whoo, check me out, dudes! Oh, that ground is coming up..."—WHAM! And what do you say, if you're the operator of that ride, to the next guy in line? "All right, dude– you're up."

I go, "I just want a cup of black coffee." She goes, "Do you want to try a biscotti? They're from Italy, they're considered a delicacy." Have you ever eaten one of these things? It tastes like a burned cookie. Where I'm from, that's considered a mistake.

[during a bit about dogs]

That's why they're man's best friend, 'cause guys want buddies that are dumber than they are. So do women, but they've already got men.

[about how people in the 90's used "awesome" wrongly]

Webster's dictionary defines awesome as "anything that leaves you in awe and wonder." Like winning the lottery—twice. That would be awesome. Getting a phone call from the IRS saying you've been audited and they owe you $50,000—that would be awesome. Ladies, you wake up tomorrow and the newspaper reads, "Scientists have discovered a way for men to experience childbirth." That would be awesome. Getting invited to the Playboy Mansion—on trampoline night, that would be awesome. And I started thinking, what would be awesome for Bill Engvall? What would leave me in awe and wonder? It would have to be, if I left this stage tonight and went back to my hotel room. And Shania Twain met me at my door, wearing nothing but a fur coat, holding a note from my wife that said, "Have a good time!" THAT would be AWESOME! It ain't gonna happen—but that would be awesome.

[watching a baseball game in Los Angeles]

This guy from L.A. sits down next to me, and he says, "You like baseball?" I said, "Oh, man, I love baseball." So he goes, "Did you know that, if Jesus had played ball, he'd have been the greatest ball player ever?" Like I'm gonna argue with that logic. So I sat there for a second, then I said, "Did you know that if Babe Ruth had been the Messiah, the Catholics would have beer and hot dogs at Communion?" He left.

There's a group in California that wants to make suicide a capital offense punishable by death. That's like punishing someone for being on a hunger strike by sending them to bed with no supper.

My wife and I had an argument last week that was so stupid, it bears repeating. My wife collects twist ties. Welcome to my world.

I've come up with the three things you never want to hear at your kid's parent/teacher conference. Number one: "You're only responsible for the first $10,000 worth of damage." Number two: "We have medication for this." And number three: "It was more than an ounce and he was less than 100 yards from the school."

[while snow-skiing with his family]

I hit two trees and fell down a ditch. And that was just walking from the lodge.

[about his son Travis]

[He] can procrastinate more than any kid I've ever met in my life. When I tell my son to go take a shower, it can easily be 45 minutes before I hear the water start running. Do you got one like this? He gets up in his bathroom, 'cause he has go to the bathroom again. And I don't even think he has to go; I think he just enjoys the comfort of that seat. It's like his La-Z-Boy rocker—he's got books in front of it, and LEGOs. One night, I told him to go take a shower, and I didn't hear the water run for about an hour, and I said, "That is it!" And I went upstairs and I walked in his room, and I heard this "boom, boom, boom." And I looked around the corner of the bathroom, he is standing butt-naked in front of the mirror going, "Shake your boom boom, shake your boom boom." And I let it go for about 10 seconds, then went "SHAKE IT, BOY!" We don't nekkid dance anymore.

[about magazines school children sell, which his wife buys without even looking at what she's buying]

We get a magazine called Modern Ferret. It's a magazine about that hairy rat, I swear to God! And if you ever see it, pick it up. On the inside cover, it's a woman and a man, who publish this magazine, and they wrote this inscription: "Someday, we hope to make money doing what we love, playing with our ferret." Correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't Pee-Wee Hermanlose a lot of money playing with his ferret?

I go, "It wasn't my fault, it was Captain Morgan!" And [my wife] goes, "Oh, like when Jose Cuervo made you ride the floor buffer?" and I said, "Exactly!"

[about how men are "basic", while women are detail-oriented]

I was at the gym the other day working out with my buddy. My buddy Joey. And he goes, "Hey, man, I'm getting a divorce." I said "Wow, that sucks. Can you spot me?" That was our whole conversation! So then I go home to my wife, and I say, "Hey, Joey's getting a divorce." She goes, "Oh, my God! What happened?" [him] "I dunno." [her] "What do you mean, you don't know? Is she cheating on him, is he cheating on her?" [him] "Again– I'm not holding anything back here– I don't know!" She goes, "Bill, someone tells you they're getting a divorce and you don't ask any questions?" And I go, "Well, that's because he didn't ask me a question! He didn't say, 'Hey, Bill, what do you think about me getting a divorce?', he said, 'I'm getting a divorce', which said to me, 'I require no further input on your part.' If he had said, 'What do you think about me getting a divorce?', I'd have said, 'Well, you're gonna be dating again, so you should work on your abs.'"

Welcome to my garage! This is where I go to get away from the honey-do list.

(Talking about what he wants at his funeral)

"And don't put a rose in my hand. Put a slim-jim in it. Send me to heaven with a slim-jim!"

(mimicking a big fish talking to a little fish)

"Hey - Perch..."

(points at his eyes, then at the imaginary perch's)

"Look at me..."

(thinks, concedes, then points at the sides of his head where a fish's eyes would be)

"Look at me..." - oh, I've thought it all through - "if you ever see a worm... in the shape of a J... swim away. That's how we lost your Uncle Pike."

Boobs are the center of power. Boobs can make a 6-month old baby and a 65 year old man both act the same way. And I'm a big fan. Oh, man, I love 'em! And I ain't picky neither. I hate guys that say "I don't like little boobs." I don't care! Big boobs, little boobs, saggy boobs, perky boobs...You could have boobs that look like nanners, I don't give a damn! They're the perfect toy! You squish them, mush them, POOF! They come right back out! You can't even break 'em! Oh god, they're amazing. Boobs can make a long trip seem short, make a bad day seem great. [Points to member of the audience] Bud, let's say you had a bad day at work. Boss been chewing you out all day long. That girl sitting next to you shows you her boobs, you're like, "This day was GREAT!"

(mimicking a fish's gills wither side of his neck) "Hey..." (cracks) You paid to see it... "hey... Ever eaten a worm?" (2nd fish) "What? When did you eat a worm?" "Oh I was on the riverbank... catching my breath..." - thank you, those of you who got that...

This year, I was cool for 2 seconds of my life. I got to fly with the Airforce Thunderbirds. They called me out of the blue, and said "How would you like to fly with us?" And I'm like "You got the right number?" "Yeah, Bill Engvall, you stand for what America stands for. Be an honor to have you fly with us." And I'm like "I'd be an honor to fly iwth 'ya." "Well, we gotta get you clearance from the Pentagon." I went "Well, I'm screwed."

She's online with her friends, and little boys are starting to call the house. Oh, my God, we had a kid call the house at two in the morning. Oh, I lost it. 'Cause first of all, I'm off in La-la land with Shania Twain in the mountains somewhere. I hear a phone ring and I'm like "Who's got a phone in the mountains??" So when I realize it's my phone, I'm already a little miffed, so I go, "Hello!" And this little voice says "Uh . . . is Emily there?" And I go, "Dude, if you have a brain in your skull, you will hang this phone up right now!" Click. Then my wife turns to me and goes, "Bill, you've got to be nice." And I go, "No, ma'am. "Nice" stops at midnight!"

[after watching the food teasing scene in "9 1/2 Weeks"]

I thought, "I'm gonna try that at my house!" Well apparently, bologna and string cheese is not a real big turn on to a blindfolded woman.

Who applies for that job? Who says "I want to work in lost luggage"? You don't have a good day. That's like having a job emptying port-a-potties. You're just going to catch crap all day long.

[his plan to prevent potential boyfriends from taking advantage of his daughter]

I'm going to pull him in tight next to me so only he and I can hear the conversation. And I'm gonna say to him, "Boy, look at me. You see that little girl right there? She's my only little girl, man. She's my life. So if you have any . . . thoughts . . . about huggin', or . . . kissin', you remember these words: 'I've got no problem going back to prison.'"

Because we've become so ecologically minded now, they have developed a product called "Rapidly Dissolving Toilet Paper." Just how "rapidly" are we talking? 'Cause I don't want to have to play "Beat the Clock" in the thicket.

Marital sex is kinda like ordering a Civil War chess set through the mail. You get one piece every four to six weeks, you don't know what kind of shape that piece is gonna be in when you get it, but you still gotta pay the handling charges.

I discovered two very important facts that day - Number one: The springs will pull the hair out of your legs, and Number two: the dog doesn't like to bounce.

[on being condescended to by a flight attendant] Ma'am, when I got up this morning, I didn't wanna be a jackass...you just pushed my jackass button.

Watching NASCAR with my wife is like taking a test. Every single turn, she has a question. Now, here's the problem. Sometimes her questions actually make sense. I don't have an answer for them. So, I have to that guy thing and go Pfft! You ever hear your man do that, ladies? That means he doesn't know the answer, but he's thinking.

[Talking about the difference between the first and twentieth year of marriage] Remember that first year of marriage, you used to argue just so you could make up and have sex? Twenty years later, you're arguing just so they'll sleep in the other room.

Remember that first year of marriage, when you went to the bathroom? Oh, lock the bathroom door, turn on the shower, because God forbid they knew you were going poo. Twenty years later, that bathroom door is wide open...you're saying "Bring the camera!"

Remember that first year of marriage, you'd come home and go "Ugh, what a bad day at work" and your wife would go, "Oh, they shouldn't be treating you so bad. Here, go sit down, I'll get you a beer, you can tell me all about it." Twenty years later, you come home, "Ugh, I had a bad day at work," she's going, "YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENED AT THIS HOUSE TODAY?! While you were at your 'job'?"

[about his daughter Emily, who scored 1390 on her SATs]

Now, I tell you that for two reasons. One, to brag. And two, to tell you she wants to retake the test. I go, "what are you, stupid?" I wish my SAT scores had four digits in it! That equal 13.

My son is 12 now, and is really getting into girls. A lot. But the thing about twelve year old boys is that they don't possess what I like to call that . . . discretionary gene yet. We were walking home from the ballfield the other day and there was a woman walking towards us who was . . . gifted. I saw them, and I saw him see them. But she was too close for me to go, "Dude, shut up." She hadn't walked two feet behind us and he goes "God dang, did you see the SIZE of those things?" And all I could say was "Yeah, I did!"

You could take Vicodin, step out of the house, onto a freeway, have a truck hit you, and you'd say "My Bad!".

[about how he and his wife can't go out on a date, since they're married]

(A) I'm not going to get to pick the restaurant. Because I'm going to go "where do you want to eat?", and she's going to go "I don't care." So I'll say, "okay, how about Italian?" "Hmmmm...." I'm not going to get to pick the movie, and there's a real good chance I'm not going to get lucky! That's not a date!

[playing Pictionary with his wife and some friends]

[My wife] goes "that's not a bicycle, Rembrandt!" And I go "well, it ain't a monkey wearing glasses, Helen Keller!"

[taking a vacation with his family in Costa Rica]

I go "what is it?" And she goes "we're going on a shark feeding frenzy!" Okay, wait... we're in a boat looking down in the water? "No, that's the best part! We're in the water with the sharks!" And I go "have you lost your mind???"

We could walk into a Chinese restaurant right here in Chicago. And the waiter could have been born here, raised here, went to college here, he has never left the city limits. I'm the idiot that walks in that restaurant and goes [in exaggerated Chinese] "Uh, yes. I'll have fried rice. Egg roll..." And you can see him go "I am so going to spit in your food, I swear to God." And it drives my daughter crazy. 'Cause she goes "why do you do that? That is so insulting to them!"

[having been recognized by a woman in a diner]

She sits down across the table from me, and didn't say "Hi, hello, my name is...." She just said "this is what I'm going to tell my husband when he gets home from work today. I'm going to tell him that I had lunch with Jeff Foxworthy."

Engvall's trademark routine is "Here's Your Sign". He retells stories of people asking him stupid questions (that usually have a blatantly obvious answer), to which he gives a sarcastic response, similar to Mad Magazine's Snappy Comebacks, followed by "Here's your sign".

His explanation for the "signs"

I just hate stupid people. They should have to wear signs that say "I'm Stupid". That way you wouldn't rely on them, and you wouldn't ask them for nothing.

Here's Your Sign (1996)

Engvall is in the park flying a kite with his son.

Passerby: Y'all flyin' a kite?

Engvall: Nope, fishin' for birds! Here's your sign.

Here's Your Sign Reloaded (2003)

On the phone with his wife when the plane he was on stopped after hitting a deer.

Engvall: When we landed on the runway, we hit a deer with our airplane. You can't make this up. And it killed the deer, it wrecked the engine. We had to evacuate the plane. But the plane was so small it didn't have slides. The flight attendant said "Just step out". So they put us in a van and they're busing us back to the terminal and I'm laughing at this point because this is the dumbest thing I've ever seen in my life. And I got back to the terminal, I called my wife. I said "Baby, you're not gonna believe this. We just hit a deer with our airplane". There was a pause on the other end of the line, followed by...

Gail: Oh my God! Were you on the ground?

Engvall: Nope, Santa was making one last run! Here's your sign.

Here's Your Sign: Live! (2004)

Truck driver gets his truck stuck under an overpass, with Engvall watching.

Cop: You get your truck stuck?

Engvall: And God bless this trucker, without missing a beat, he goes: "Nope, I was deliverin' that overpass, I ran outta gas." Here's your sign.

Now That's Awesome (2000)

Blue Collar Comedy Tour: The Movie (2003)

Engvall pulls his car into a gas station after his tire goes flat.

Attendant: Tire go flat?

Engvall: Nope, I was drivin' along and the other three just swelled right up!

Attendant: Well, the heat'll do that.

Engvall: Here's your sign.

Here's Your Sign (1996)

Engvall and his wife are packing up their stuff to move, with a U-Haul sitting in their driveway.

Friend: Y'all movin?

Engvall: Nope, me and the wife just like to pack all our stuff up once or twice a week, see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign.

A Decade of Laughs (2004)

Engvall and his buddy get of a boat with a big string of bass.

On-looker: You catch all them fish?

Engvall: Nope, talked 'em into givin' up. Here's your sign.

Here's Your Sign Reloaded (2003)

Engvall has an elk hung on the wall.

Neighbor: Oh, man. I didn't see that. God dang, did you shoot that thing?

Engvall: Nope. He ran through the wall and got stuck. Here's your sign.

Blue Collar Comedy Tour: The Movie (2003)

Here's Your Sign: Live! (2004)

Engvall is in an office elevator going up.

friend: Excuse me, are these the elevators that go up?

Engvall: No, these go side to side. The up ones are down the hall. (to audience) HE WALKED AWAY!

Here's Your Sign: Live! (2004)

in the lost luggage office in Buffalo

Lost luggage employee: Can I help you?

Engvall: Yes, you lost my luggage.

Employee: [looking directly at Bill] Has your plane landed yet?

Engvall: No, princess. I'm having an out of body experience. I'm just checkin' on it.

Blue Collar Comedy Tour: The Movie (2003)

Engvall's car breaks down on a highway, there's smoke pouring out of the hood, and a motorist stops to help him.

Engvall: Nope, gonna steal 'em. Just wanted you to see them before I walked out of the store. Here's your sign.

Blue Collar Comedy Tour: The Movie (2003)

Engvall and his wife have, for three days, had a cement truck in their yard to re-do their porch.

Neighbor: You pouring concrete?

Bill: No, we're making big margaritas. Here's your sign.

Now That's Awesome (2000)

A friend bought two cakes for his wife's birthday, with a "3" on one and an "8" on the other.

Store clerk: Oh, do you have twins?

Bill's friend: Yup, my wife was in labor for five years.

Here's Your Sign: Live! (2004)

After Bill is exhausted at a baseball fantasy camp, walking crooked.

Woman: Do you're legs hurt?

Bill: Nope, just crapped my pants. Here's your sign.

Bill and Larry The Cable Guy walk by a stone that Bill's neighbor had had 1894, his address, carved into it.

Larry: Damn, that rock's old.

Bill: No, that's not its age, dumbass. That's how much it weighs. Here's your sign.

15 Degrees Off Cool (2007)

Bill and his brother-in-law had shot a deer and drove it in to get processed. At a rest stop, a woman stops at the truck

Woman: Did y'all shoot this deer?!

Bill's Brother-in-law: No, ma'am, we did not shoot this deer. It was the saddest thing. We were just driving down the road, the deer got into the back of our truck at a stop sign, handed us a note and then shot himself! Here's your sign.

15 Degrees Off Cool (2007)

Tow truck is pulling Bill's car out of his driveway

Bill's neighbor: Getting your car towed?

Bill: Nope, we're mating it, hoping to get a Mini Cooper.

15 Degrees Off Cool (2007)

Jeff's, Larry's, and Ron's Heres Your Sign.

Blue Collar Comedy Tour: The Movie (2003)

Jeff Foxworthy is having his house repainted and he has a piano in the corner

Engvall's son, Travis: I'm going to play you a song from Harry Potter.

Engvall: Oh, the movie?

Travis: No, the book. Here's your sign.

When telling the joke on Here's Your Sign: Live! (2004), he stops his son before he says "sign".

on holiday in Hawaii

Engvall: Me and my wife were lying on the beach, and this girl walks by with a coconut bra on - literally, they just take a coconut, cut it in half, put strings on it and they wear it. Looks fine to me. But my wife made me laugh 'cause the girl walked right in front of us...

Bill's wife: Oh My God... d'you think those are real?

Engvall: Well, the way they're jiggling, probably...

Bill's wife: The COCONUTS!!

Engvall: Here's my Sign.

Cheap Drunk: An Autobiography (2002)

at the beach

Engvall: My son and his friends were surfing when one of them just wiped out, big time. I was laughing so hard, and he came out of the water, slapping the side of his head, and I could not stop myself. I said, "You get water in your ear?"

Engvall: Yesterday, my son was out in the yard playing with his friend, and he hit his friend. I walked up to him, and I said, "Hey..." (pantomimes hitting his son) "We don't hit". He looked at me like, "Here's your sign, Dad".