Friday, December 30, 2011

The No-Diet Year

The irony in starting this blog on December 30, 2011, is the all too natural connection between the word DIET and New Years, which is quickly approaching. Although it would be easy and extremely convenient for me to play into this idealistic facade of a resolution for a better me (as I have for way too many years now) this blog is not for the sake of a better body, a better image, a better work-out plan or a better weight. In fact this blogs purpose is for the accountability which will ensure the very opposite of all those things mentioned above. Weird, right?

Yes, very!

What is a No-Diet year? Why would I, an over-weight mom of two commit to such a depressing and sad existence for 12 whole months? Well, at this very moment I'm still trying to wrap my mind around it all myself. About a month ago (Nov 2011) I heard God speak to me....and challenge me in what could be the biggest way possible. No, I wasn't called to Africa or asked to give all my money away, or spend all my time with the homeless...but God asked me to give up the one thing that has brought me ANYcontrol or hope over the last 20 years. Dieting.

Such a strange thing to say, right? I would rather do missionary work in the heart of Africa than be asked to stop dieting? Well, as hard as that can be to understand, yes. Though the two are not even close to equal in physical or emotional exertion, it is the quiet and complicated inter-working and discovery in my heart that would quantify the truth in this comparison. It's in the shadows of my heart where my brokenness hides, and in those same shadows a beacon of light has recently exposed. God has revealed to me something so ugly, so deep and so frightening that only HE could have revealed it, for I would have chosen to keep it suppressed and alone...forever.

After a lengthy history of abuse of food and self...I am throwing in the towel of control and realizing my powerlessness without GOD. I have tried everything to "get happy" by losing weight. Thousands of dollars spent, thousands of hours stolen, thousands of tears shed and thousands of lies believed....and I am finally ready to try the one thing that is absolutely FREE, Jesus.

This isn't the Jesus that is the answer to every question asked in Sunday school as a five year old girl....but the Jesus that I now know as the All-Powerful, All-Knowing, All-Sacrificing, All-Sufficient Jesus that loves me deeper than I'll ever know or comprehend. My constant compartmentalization of my obsessive sin nature and insecurities can no longer be segregated from the light...for it IS the segregation that holds the true consequence of my sin... separation from Christ Himself.

I am currently in a 12-step Christ-centered recovery program that has opened my eyes to so much over the last 5 months. One of the first hurdles to get over in recovery is denial which then leads to acceptence and confession of sin. Although denial is human nature, confession is most definitely not. When I meet with my small group each week I speak openly and free of excuse, sugar-coating or withholding, and that is what I will do here on this blog as well.

What is the hope? The hope is that this blog will be an extra source of accountability to what I KNOW I have heard God speak to me. That I will cling to HIS word and the scripture that HE has spoken over my life time and time again, "Don't copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will know God's will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect. " Romans 12:2. For everything in me wants to believe that there is life and hope in the behaviors of this world...but in fact there is only destruction, despair and depression. I want to know balance and reliance on Christ. I want to know truth that penetrates me so deep that it will cancel out all lies that have been the default mode of my mind for far too long. I want to know FREEDOM that inspires me to live a life within the boundaries He has placed for my own benefit and well-being.

So NO, this is not a New Years Resolution...but it is in fact a journal of my hearts journey to find HOPE in Jesus alone and not in the scale, in the pant size, or in the next diet plan. There will be days of frustration, new revealed sin and sin history, but also the conquest of my deepest stronghold....let month one begin.