Satanic Church claim heterosexuality is “curable”

Heterosexuals across the globe have been up arms today as the Satanic church made a statement suggesting that heterosexuality was simply a “vice” which could be cured.

The church purports to offer “conversion therapy” for disillusioned heterosexuals who wish to be relieved of their burden and allowed to follow the path towards the eternal flames of hell. “Freedom from heterosexuality through the power of Beelzebub,” they claim.

The church claim it isn’t natural for a man and a woman to love one another, as they are massively different creatures. A Satanic high priest elaborates:

“One man recently told me he’d just found out he and his wife had been arguing for six days. Without him even being faintly aware! There’s just a fundamental communication problem. All he wants is a good mate who he can relax with: just share a couple of beers, watch the football, both get blow jobs, and high-five afterwards. He simply doesn’t need the hassle of heterosexuality anymore.

The church suggests heterosexuals grow up not feeling different enough: just another face in the straight crowd. The inherent acceptance heterosexuals feel leaves them with depressingly little adversity to overcome, and therefore a lack of character. The frustration this brews is evident in recent Hetero-Pride groups campaigning for straight marriage to be illegalised, so that they will feel more dangerous and alternative.

Equally, there is the danger of a heterosexual couple reproducing, bringing another innocent being into this veil of tears.

The backlash has been monumental, many furious heterosexual men pointing out that their desire to read Nuts magazine and chase after “slags” isn’t a choice, and that they are completely sure of their straightness. They said this last bit many , many times, as if our reporter had suggested otherwise.

A spokesman for the Satanic church had this to say in defense of their claims:

“Of course we don’t believe all heterosexuals are unhappy with their predicament, but we’ve seen first-hand the utter despair some people’s heterosexuality has brought to them. There are countless good, hellfire worshiping Satanists out there who are terrified their deranged desire for women with large, overachieving breasts, is going to keep them from attaining a place in hell. And we're supposed to just stand by and do nothing?”