Shona Craven: How to conduct a witch hunt of female SNP politicians

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LEAKED messages have this week raised questions about unity within the SNP, by appearing to show three female MSPs expressing concerns about Nicola Sturgeon’s position on trans and women’s rights.

Equalities Secretary Shirley-Anne Somerville yesterday issued a statement affirming that the government has “a duty to understand and seek to address the concerns being raised”, and that “people raising genuine concerns about women’s rights shouldn’t suffer knee-jerk accusations of transphobia”.

Meanwhile, The National has come into possession of confidential correspondence from one of Scotland’s lesser-known public agencies…

Thank you for using our Witchfinder app to report concerns about female behaviour in your community. The work of the Witchfinder General of Scotland (WGoS) depends on the vigilance of civic-minded individuals to ensure all reports of concerning behaviour are properly investigated and, where necessary, addressed via appropriate enforcement action.

Your case has been assigned the reference code FFSWTF.

I would appreciate if you could elaborate on the information you have provided to us, in order that we may carry out a full investigation. As you have identified three potential witches with the same business address (The Scottish Parliament, Edinburgh EH99 1SP), the Coven Linked Intelligence Team is being copied into this correspondence.

In answer to question C1, “Why do you believe the above named individual(s) may be involved in witchcraft?”, you have replied: “Wrong opinions.” In requesting further information I would like to direct you to our Guidance Notes (attached) and in particular the section headed “Material Considerations”. You will note these are strictly limited to the following: i) Unexplained healing powers, ii) Threats followed by unexplained negative outcomes (ie illness, fire, flooding), iii) Levitation, iv) Second sight/premonitions, v) Other unexplained knowledge or “intuition”.

Please particularly note that the following factors do not fall into the category of Material Considerations: expression of feminist positions; participation in all-female conversations; dancing around/adjacent to bonfires; convenorship of Scottish Parliament committees.

In answer to question C2, “Do you have evidence to support your suspicion that witchcraft-related activity has taken place?” you have written “Yes – I read their private messages”. In requesting further elaboration on this response I am obliged to advise you that unauthorised access to computer materials may be in contravention of the Computer Misuse Act 1990 (amended by the Police and Criminal Justice Act 2006).

You have provided a Photoshopped image of three women with pointy hats, long noses and SNP membership badges, stirring what appears to be a cauldron. May I once again draw your attention to the Guidance Notes, this time the section headed “Evidence”. Please note that in accordance with the Witchcraft Control Act (Scotland) 1995, the following factors are not admissible as evidence in a Scottish criminal court: style of dress; shape/texture of face; tone of voice/laugh; opinions of Alex Salmond; ownership of cats; preference for herbal teas.

In answer to question D1, “Do you believe the actions of the accused represent an immediate threat to public safety?” you have replied “Yes – high risk of literal violence”. I wish to direct your attention back to Material Consideration ii) and ask that you elaborate on the specific violent threat posed by three (or more) female Members of the Scottish Parliament privately or publicly articulating “wrong views”.

Examples of violent threats which WGoS would investigate as a high priority include: threat of spontaneous combustion; threat of demonic possession; threat of stabbing (including voodoo doll-related activity); threat of being struck dumb. If you believe there is an immediate danger of any of these outcomes please contact our team as a matter of urgency, quoting the reference code above.

Thank you again for raising your concerns. I look forward to hearing back from you so that we can ascertain whether the matters you have raised fall within our remit. We will also be required to investigate whether you have committed any criminal offences in your unauthorised pursuit of the women you allege are witches.

In the meantime, you may wish to consider contacting the Bitchfinder General of Scotland – this is a telephone-based service that allows callers to scream and shout whatever they like about any woman who stubbornly refuses to say and do what men tell her to. This service is available 24 hours a day (calls are charged at up to £3.60 per minute, plus a one-off call connection charge of up to £6). Please note these calls are not monitored.

Yours faithfully
Christian Caldwell (Mr)
On behalf of The Witchfinder General of Scotland

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