Crist: Custody, parenting issues should be decided by the parents

Jun. 10, 2013

Written by

Gary Crist

Letís Talk

Dear Mr. Crist: My husband and his previous wife have informally shared custody of my 12-year-old stepson who, until recently, has been alternating weeks with each parent. This past school year, to give more consistency to his life and also in hopes we could see if he did better in one household or the other, we took him for the first semester, and his mother had him for the last semester.

My stepson is a very bright child, but he seems to be both insecure and entitled at the same time. I think his upbringing has been very inconsistent ó in our home, we expect him to do age-appropriate chores, take care of personal hygiene, and that he should be honest and respectful.

I am not sure he has the same expectations in his motherís home. He frequently comes from her house dirty, and we often catch him lying and trying to manipulate situations, both at home and at school. (His mother shares these traits.)

My husbandís parents think their grandson is fine and we are too strict with him. We recently met with my husbandís ex-wife to discuss future custody arrangements. I think when my stepson was living with us most of the time, he settled into the routine and expectations to a great degree, was lying less often and seemed content at least part of the time. Since heís been with his mother, all the bad habits are back in force. We believe he has a better chance at growing into a happy and independent adult in our home, but his mother (and my in-laws) thinks heíd be better off raised by her. My stepson has expressed that he would rather stay with his mother.

I donít know if we should try to fight to keep him against such opposition from his mother, lack of support from my in-laws and his own preference. And at 12 years old, is there much we can do to change his ways?

His mother has suggested she keeps him through middle school, and gives him to us for high school, but at that point, Iíd be afraid to have him in our home. We also have a toddler son, and I worry what kind of influence his brother could have. My stepson does act jealous of his little brother. Iím not sure mediation would help, even if we could get his mother to agree to it, because we have such different outlooks on parenting. If you have time to weigh in on this matter, I would greatly appreciate your thoughts.

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ó Loveland Stepparent

Dear Loveland Stepparent: To begin, I would advise you and your husband to take the high road and not get sucked into saying bad things about your stepsonís mother or attributing your stepsonís bad traits as coming from his mother or from being with her. This will confuse your stepson and, if it gets back to his mother, further drive a wedge between the two sides.

Understand that in these circumstances it is not unusual for a child to say one thing when with one parent and something different when with the other. Many times, this is an attempt by him or her to please both parents. I believe, unless there are concrete safety issues, both parents should have an opportunity to have a meaningful relationship with his or her child. That is difficult to do if you only see the child once in a while.

Certainly, if you and your husband feel that your younger son is at risk of harm by his stepbrother, then you need to act upon that. Given what I read in your question, I believe that your stepson could benefit from seeing a counselor.

It would be great if your husband and his ex-wife could agree upon this as well and partner to find the right therapist. I do believe that mediation would be worth a try. If both your husband and his ex-wife can enter into mediation in good faith and make decisions that are based upon what is in the best interest of their son, then everyone will benefit. In my opinion, the mediation should be just the parents, and it would be advisable for you and the in-laws to take a step back. The beauty of the process of mediation is that, even if agreements are not reached, both parties leave the mediation with a better understanding of the otherís feelings. If nothing changes, parents follow the default parenting time plan that was ordered through the domestic relations court.

I hope you and your husband continue to fight for his son regardless of what others want. It is very important for your stepson to have a father in his life.