The Real Housewives of Miami, Episode One: It's All About Elsa Patton

We've spent all week getting psyched for the return of The Real Housewives of Miami. We attended the premiere party. We let Joanna Krupa call us a bitch (lovingly, of course). We got the scoop on Elsa Patton's health after she collapsed.<

Finally, last night, season two premiered on Bravo, and the entire country got to see what all our fuss was about. The Euros over at Daily Mail called it "Reality Gold!" Oh no, wait, they were talking about Joanna Krupa's bikini body. In any case, we couldn't agree more.The show's opening credits are so very Miami, packing so many cliches into a matter of seconds that it's almost sickening. Salsa music! Mojitos! We half-expected the ending group shot to involve a shower of cocaine falling over them as Gloria Estefan plays the bongos in the background.

Still, if the producers had one goal, it was to win you over from moment one. Two minutes into the show, we see Elsa, her fabulous vintage car, and her handicap sticker. Clearly, Bravo knows who we're really tuning in to watch. Elsa finally admits that a doctor "destroyed my face." Poor Mama Elsa. We love you and your face, girl. We also love that closet-hiding-Xanax-taking dog, Napoleon.

During the Patton ladies' trip to the jewelry store, we also learn that Marysol is a single lady out on the town. Men of Miami, a successful PR powerhouse is single and ready to mingle. Get in line.

Next, we meet one of the new kids on the block (er, show): Ana Quincoces. Ana is already quite the lady about town. She is a lawyer, mother, and chef all wrapped up into one. Why that husband of hers left her, we aren't sure. Well, to be fair, it doesn't seem like he's really left -- he still sticks around for awkward, home-cooked dinners with the family. Best of both worlds?

From Ana, we meet Karent Sierra. A little bit of a stripper name, no? [Ed. note: Watch it. Your editor's name is Ciara.] Karent tells us she is Colombian -- a nationality that, according to Ana, has "cornered the market on being nice to men." Karent is a heel-wearing dentist to the stars. We aren't sure to love her or hate her. The woman never stops smiling. No, honestly, ever. But those pearly whites might be shining because she has a hot Telenovela star boyfriend Rodolfo Jiminez. Rodolfo, on the other hand, seems not so smiley -- maybe because he is living with Karent and her parents, all while being accused of sexting with Ana.