Tuesday, June 7, 2011

The Bachelorette Episode 3

BENTLEY - My daughter, who I have public visitation with once a month, really needs me right now.

ASHLEY HEBERT - Really? She said that?

BENTLEY- No, dumbass, she's only two. Shit, uh, I mean, I could just tell. We have that strong of a connection.

ASHLEY HEBERT - Well, couldn't you just have your public visitation in LA? We could go to Disneyland.

BENTLEY - I already talked to Chris Harrison, ABC has no intention of doing a cross-promotion with Disney this season.

ASHLEY HEBERT - Shutes!

BENTLEY - Huh? What the fuck does that mean?

ASHLEY HEBERT - It's like "shoot", but plural. Conveys more meaning.

BENTLEY - Well, listen, as much as I want to sit here and learn more about your French Canadian colloquialisms, I gotta fly.

ASHLEY HEBERT - Right now?

BENTLEY - Yeah. I'm literally flying out of LAX in an hour. I didn't expect this would take so long.

ASHLEY HEBERT - - Shutes.

BENTLEY - Seriously, stop it.ASHLEY HEBERT - Well, say hello to Cozy for me. Although I must mention that the fact that you have a daughter named Cozy was a bit of a red flag for me.

BENTLEY - Kill yourself.

ASHLEY HEBERT - What?

BENTLEY - I said "take care of yourself."Hey, can I take a grab at those little boobs before I go?

ASHLEY HEBERT - Sure, I guess.

BENTLEY - **squeezes** Well... Bye!

At the Laugh Factory, or wherever they let Jeffrey Ross perform...

WILLIAM - More than anything in the world, I want to be a professional comedian.

AMES - Even more than marrying Ashley?

WILLIAM - Duh, Pregnant Forehead.Have you seen my Dubya impression?

AMES - I mean, it wasn't that good.

WILLIAM - Are you kidding me? I bring the house down at open mic night at the Giggle Box in Galloway, Ohio. I'm ready for the big time. **heads to the stage**

JEFF - I bet my mask he chokes.

J.P. - Your mask costs 99 cents at CVS.

JEFF - Shuddup.

WILLIAM - **on stage** Dear Ashley, you smell like gross body odor, Haley Joel Osment in the Sixth Sense called, he wants his boobs back, and you're not even that nice for someone with little boobs.

**crickets**

WILLIAM - Anybody? Ok, how about this one. Ashley, when you speak French it makes me never want to masturbate again.

**silence, coughing**

WILLIAM - Tough crowd.Alright, let me try some new material. Um... Ashley, everybody thought you were gonna be Emily because Reality Steve said she lost, but now that it's you, we're all pissed because we would rather have sex with her than you.

JEFFREY ROSS - Dude. I usually tell people not to give up, but you should give up.

WILLIAM - But it's a ROAST.

JEFFREY ROSS - Ever notice that I never roast women I want to fuck?

WILLIAM - What about Pam Anderson?

JEFFREY ROSS - Exactly. Oh, and you're also really bad at comedy.

WILLIAM - The Giggle Box will take me back. I always have a home at the Giggle Box.