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Thursday, September 15, 2016

A client was researching shops that would tackle a cover up over three failed tattooed attempts, and found us. He informed us that in his searches, he found a review of the shop that criticized us for our use of PROFANITY,... apparently he heard swearing in a tattoo studio! Yes, he did! I've seen this before, reviews of some of the most legendary tattoo studios in the country, being slammed for their filthy language. Philistines! Since I am such a civic minded person, and want to help people insulate themselves and disassociate from reality as much as humanly possible, I've compiled a list of other pursuits and endeavors that reviewer may want to avoid at all costs as to not tarnished his tender, virginal earbuds.

God, the Bible is so rapey! Keep that shit out of our friendly neighborhood tattoo shop!

• BROADWAY! : Love a good show tune? How about a little Cole Porter?

You're the top! You're Miss Pinkham's tonic You're the top! You're a high colonic You're the burning heat Of a bridal suite in use You're the breasts of Venus You're King Kong's penis You're self-abuse! You're an arch In the Rome collection You're the starch In a groom's erection I'm a eunuch who Has just been through an op But if, baby, I'm the bottom You're the top!

A little louder next time,... Broadway is rife with profanity, from 'A Chorus Line's' "Tits and Ass", to 'The Book of Mormon's' "Hasa Diga Eebowei", (the chorus of which is "Fuck You God In The Ass, Mouth, and Cunt"). Pippin, Hair, Cabaret, Sweeney Todd, Rent, Jersey Boys, Hamilton,... all award winning classics that helped define the medium itself. You thought you were out for a night of culture and song, instead, you're learning about how Joseph Smith fucked a frog to cure his AIDS.

• THE BLUES: All that old timey spiritual music, certainly you can play the Blues over the sound system in my safe place bunker, right? Oh, hell no. The Blues is so dirty, it has it's own listing on Wikipedia:

• LITERATURE: You can't go to the theatre, see a play, or watch pretty much any movie,... hey, you're not going to let all that profanity get in the way of expanding your mind. Well, stoke the bonfires, because if grown up talk isn't your thing, then there's entire of libraries that need to be razed to the ground. Forget all about - For Whom The Bell Tolls, by Hemingway, Gone With The Wind, by Mitchell, The Grapes of Wrath, by Steinbeck, The Great Gatsby, by Fitzgerald, Howl, by Ginsberg, Fahrenheit 451, by Bradbury, Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, by Twain, In Cold Blood, by Capote, Leaves of Grass, by Whitman, Catcher In The Rye, by Salinger, Lord of the Flies, by Golding, Of Mice and Men, by Steinbeck, The Color Purple, by Walker, Ulysses, by Joyce, Catch-22, by Heller, Brave New World, by Huxley, As I Lay Dying, by Faulkner, Native Son, Wright, One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest, by Kesey, Slaughterhouse Five, by Vonnegut, Clockwork Orange, by Burgess, Naked Lunch, by Burroughs.

All these books, all timeless classics, have been banned, solely on the basis of their WORDS. Bunch of foul mouthed deplorable criminals, these literate types, what with all their writing, and thoughts, and ideas.

• COMEDY: I guess it goes without saying, if you're offended by bad language, you'll have to never ever expose yourself from just about every and any stand up comedian since the invention of the microphone. Ironically, George Carlin's famous "Seven Words You Can't Say on Television" premiered in Nineteen Hundred and Seventy TWO. And as you can see, this ignorant country has the car in reverse, and we haven't come one single step forward since Jerry Ford was in office.

Ironically, if you're looking for a classic stand up comic who refuses to work blue, you could always try that bastion of morality and family vales,... Bill Cosby. Oh,... oh wait a fucking minute,... Hopefully, you're getting the idea. I could keep going all night. Mozart? A total pervert. http://mentalfloss.com/article/55247/3-dirty-songs-mozart. Shakespeare? Fugghedaboutit. https://www.rsc.org.uk/shakespeare/language/slang-and-sexual-language. Just about every form of music imaginable, from reggae to punk. Anything on cable TV. The ENTIRE FUCKING INTERNET. Forget about riding the subway, going to any sporting event, or entering any town with a population outside of double digits. Seriously? We CURSE? It's a fucking tattoo shop, Sherlock! This one is named after SUICIDE! The owner has the words UGLY FUCK tattooed on his knuckles! We just finished making tattooing LEGAL in all fifty states just a few years ago. New Jersey is still illegal today, in many cities. The last century, tattooing has been purveyed by outlaws. Without those outlaws passing the torch, despite how many church groups and politicians fought to keep them underground like back alley abortionists, those same people, who leave one star reviews based on the swear words they heard, would not be caught dead in tattoo shops today. Do you complain about all the nudity at the strip club? All the drinking going on at the bar? All that pot smoking and dancing at the music festival? All the grinding on the dance floor? These are adult activities, and this is how the vast majority of adults behave. And if you don't like it, if our WORDS bother you so greatly, while we're at war with the wrong countries for two decades, and is rife with real time problems like homelessness and heroin overdoses, why, you, you sanctimonious self righteous scum sucking prick, we've got three words for you.