August 3, 2006

Ya'll are curious and curioser. THANK GOD.

Hello! I have been having one of those weeks (plural) where even though a person may love their family and friends and job and adore their coworkers and want to come in each morning with group hugs and cheers of Cumbaya and happy thoughts about Los Angelenos and traffic and life in general, you maybe -- just maybe -- for a few days want to vigorously staple the hand of the next person who comes near you.

Hi! I am grumpy!

And so there has not been a lot of time for funny har-har stories and knitting tutorials which take time and patience and how can I do that when I have one hand always on my stapler, ready and waiting for you to CROSS ME. Which I know you are JUST ABOUT TO DO.

So that is why I am very fortunate and also lucky to have folks ask me questions because then I did not have to sit down and face a blank screen while I try to write something coherent while also planning out my World Domination Plan Using Weapons Of Mass Stapling.

These are some questions I have been asked recently, and the answers, and if you have more burning questions just ask away in the comments (because you will soon understand about the email problem) and I will answer what I can tomorrow, except if it's a grumpy question and then I will probably try to staple you to something.

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Question: What ever happened to the knitted ugly mystery cat thing?
Answer: Technically, it's completed. However, I am sort of using the pattern as a submission to something so I'm trying to see if that works out (har har) and then when it doesn't, I will put it online. Always the optimist!

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Q: Have you talked to Mr. X at all?
A: Nope. Last time we talked was the day of the divorce hearing, last summer.

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Q: Why haven't you been to Stitch 'n Bitch in a month!?
A: I've been working a lot, and some late hours. I'm hoping it calms down soon. I'm also trying to talk people into picking me up and chauffering me there and then home to the Valley since I have no A/C in the Jeep, I'll let you know how it works out. I'm also trying to talk people into believing that monkeys rule the earth, I'll let you know how that works out, too.

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Q: Will Drew be staying with you while he's in LA?
A: Heck yeah! Sobakowa is already plotting her takeover of The Visitor.

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Q: How is Roy?
A: He's all right. He takes medicine twice a day, which he hates, and I myself am not real fond of the process, but it keeps him pretty stable for now and he's as ornery and complainy as ever. That cat will knock every item off every surface in the house to wake you up if his bowl is empty. He also did not die from eating those flowers, or get sick, or suffer liver/kidney/heart failure and die later from delayed symptoms of death. (You, Internet, scared me shitless for nothing, but I love you anyway.)

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Q: Will you go out with me/be my pen-pal/email me pictures of yourself?
A: No. But thanks for asking!

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Q: What is UP with your email?
A: I've always had trouble keeping up with the volume of email, but lately there has been a huge new hellish email problem in crazyland.

Some spammer sent out email using my address faked in as the sender and I got over 6,000 returned emails from people I never even contacted. Magic! Gnomes! Of course the server admin shut my entire mailbox down to investigate and also because the whole electronic thingy do-bob was clogged. Nice! (Me = "not caring or knowning about the email technology.")

So, finally we get to the bottom of that little shenanigan, and what do you know! I am beginning to make headway in my email! When I get inundated all at once by the wily spammers who send me emails by the HUNDREDS each day cleverly entitled "Califlower Exemptions" and "Jibe Prophet" and one particularly cruel, evil spammer who sent me a message entitled simply, "Gumbo!" Imagine my disappointment to find yet another weird "Buy this bizarre stock..." spam. Gumbo indeed.

I do check my email, but sometimes I get so lost and exasperated by all the junk (these subject lines really are entertaining, though, "Cannibal Teethe" and "Bottom Mayo" hee hee!) A few days ago, Drew finally sent me a gmail account invitation and I promise the moment I have a spare thirteen minutes to tinker with YET ANOTHER STUPID EMAIL THINGAMABOB, I will set up this so-called gmail account and we'll be cooking with gas.

Also, I would like to vote for whichever politician outlaws spam.

I do not care if you are Crazy McDumbass, I will vote for you if your sole platform is JAILING SPAMMERS.

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Q: Are you ever going to write a book?
A: Yeah, OK!

Q: When?
A: DO NOT PRESSURE ME OR I WILL STAPLE YOUR HAND TO YOUR OWN HEAD. Also, however, wouldn't it be funny to have to edit any book I wrote because me with the comma splicing and run-on sentences and strange way you can actually sort of hear the way I talk because I write as if I were chattering on aimlessly? Wouldn't it suck to have that job?

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Q: Do you ever come to Michigan?
A: I have never been to Michigan, actually, but I'm going to come there one day and I want to walk around the Great Lakes and do my best Beavis & Butt-head impression: "Uh, I'm looking for the GREAT lake? Has anyone seen a really GREAT lake? This is a GOOD lake, but can you tell me where I can find the GREAT lake?" hehehehehe. I did this at the Grand Canyon once. BECAUSE I AM NINE YEARS OLD.

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Q: Are you dating anyone?
A: Eh.

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Q: How is the most recent kitty pi coming along?

A: Pretty well! I made a detour to do some swatching this past weekend (I do love to swatch, it's a sickness really) and then I was working all day Sunday so there was no knitting for the wicked. But I'm planning to take the bus tomorrow, if the freeway is OPEN, jesuschristonthecross. (All lanes of the 101 southbound were closed this morning. If you would like to know what this means, exactly, here's what you can do to replicate the experience: go get in your car and drive it to the grocery store parking lot, pull in behind a parked car, and idle in that same exact spot for two and a half hours. Voila! You could be in Los Angeles!)

So, anyway, if I take the bus tomorrow I'll be able to get a good two hours of knitting accomplished on the pi. This time I'm making it with TWO strands of UpCountry held together for a very dense felt, and I'm doing some wacky stuff with the colors, I hope it comes out OK. Will it meet the Soba's expectations? Only time will tell!

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So that's all for today, but if you have any burning questions, post them here and I will answer with even more Califlower Exemptions tomorrow. Bon voyage, and Bottom Mayo!