Historical trauma has taken its toll
on Native people, and Clayton Small, Northern Cheyenne, founder of
Native Prevention, Research, Intervention, Development, and Education,
or Native P.R.I.D.E., spent years developing ways to help Native men overcome the effects.

“Colonization has diminished the roles of being a father, a man, a
warrior. Over generations, men have resorted to unhealthy addictions to
food, sex, alcohol, gambling, as a way to cope,” Small said. “We need to
admit that historical trauma is a part of our history, but that doesn’t
have to stop us from growing today and becoming a good, responsible
man.”

In a webinar entitled “Fatherhood and Wellness” Small offered many
solutions for men to heal from past traumas. Here are nine of them:

Spirituality

Regardless of the way you practice it, Small said, “Spirituality is
our greatest source of strength and an important part of our healing
journey. Ceremonies renew us, our families, the universe, and the earth.
When we participate in the sacred we realize that there is a power
greater than us, and that it’s okay to ask for help.”

Recognize Feelings

Small said there are four feelings: mad, sad, glad, and afraid. “Men
are champions at expressing anger but other feelings are difficult for
us. We talk about those things in ceremony, so we just need to transfer
that sense of safety and belonging outside of ceremony into everyday
life.”

Embrace Your Culture

Small said going to pow wows and other gatherings is important but,
“We have to hang out with healthy men. If we hang out with knuckleheads
we are going to become a knucklehead. So the lesson here is that it’s
okay to be a recovering knucklehead.”

Learn to Forgive

Small said that sometimes children are hurt, betrayed, abandoned,
disciplined harshly, abused, and neglected. Other times, young
“knuckleheads” must learn to forgive themselves. Small recommends, “You
can open the door to forgiveness by saying, ‘I hope and pray that at
some point you can forgive me and we can have a good relationship.’
Sometimes the son has to initiate reconciliation with his parents,
especially when his father is still angry and bitter or into unhealthy
addictions.” In his own healing journey, the son can encourage the
father to seek a wellness path.

Clayton
Small said that when we live within the circle, we are in balance. The
boxes outside the circle represent challenges to becoming a responsible
husband, father, and grandfather. (Courtesy Clayton Small)

Communication

Knowing your parent’s history helps to forgive them, Small said.
“Find out about their childhood; did they go to boarding schools? Was
there alcohol and violence in the family?” Often, parents don't want to
talk about these issues, however Small said it is important. “It’s not
about making them feel bad, it’s about healing and reaching a level
where we can let some of those strong feelings go. Forgiving our parents
is one of the challenges in our healing journey. If it was easy we
would have done it yesterday,” Small said. “With a warm handshake, we
need to say we are here for each other, let’s do this together. We feel
safe talking about these things with women, but we also need to have
that same conversation with other men. Our men need to learn to talk to
each other about more than sports, weather and dirty jokes.”

Shame and Embarrassment

These things happen when men can’t get a job or provide food or
shelter for their families or “when they were young and foolish, you
hurt or betrayed someone else,” Small said. Instead of a lifetime of
regret, Small encouraged men to say, “I did the best I could and that’s
good enough. Today, I am going to choose to let those feelings go.
That’s called healing. Older and wiser men can become responsible
fathers and husbands.” He also said, “Let it go and give it to the
creator, to the spirits. I went through therapy and ceremonies. We have
to be honest and open and listen to feedback from other people.”

Avoiding Violence

“It takes a lot of courage to be humble, to express tears. We have so
many losses that go unresolved in Indian country. There are funerals
every week. When we don't know how to deal with that grief, we may turn
to drugs and alcohol and violence. It’s okay to get emotional. It’s okay
for men to cry,” Small said. “Our men have not been conditioned to
express their feelings in a healthy way. We know how to express anger
and violence, but we have a difficult time saying, ‘I am afraid, I am
hurt.’ Our men need to take time to do the grief work, to ask for help.”

In
this drawing a warrior rides among the bloodied victims of war and
chooses to count coup rather than resort to violence against the man in
his path. (Courtesy Clayton Small)

Overcome Conditioning

Small said that experiences in our youth conditions our behavior for
the rest of our life, “but that doesn't mean we can’t change and grow.
If we have a crisis or stressful situation, we might resort to drinking
again. The key is to get back up. Use our spirituality and resources of
strength, ask for help, but it’s not up to someone else to save me. I
have to do my part.”

Honor Our Women

Our women need to stand side by side with us, equal in the
relationship as wife, mother, partner, and with an assertiveness in the
relationship that only happens when we have broken those unhealthy
cycles, Small said.

“Fatherhood and Wellness,” can be heard in its entirety on the National Indigenous Women's Resource Center website.
The webinar offers many additional ways to heal relationships and avoid
destructive behaviors and situations. Native P.R.I.D.E offers workshops
throughout the country.

The National Indigenous Women's Network provides a wide variety of wellness webinars.

“We are all a work in progress and healing takes place over time.
What really helps men is to spend time with other men who are on a
wellness path. That really helps the light bulb click on,” Small said.
“I don't have to spend time feeling hurt or angry or betrayed. Other men
are going through the same things I am and we can work on things
together. I don't have to stay stuck.”