Preface

A spirit befell me in the night as I rested upon my laurels which had been cooked into a fine tomato stew. It raised my awareness to an unholy convocation of earthen mortal men enthroned upon chairs of decadent black plastics and upholstery dented by the asses of many sat hours dwelling on the mysteries of the bytes and haggling among one another with naught a spoken word.

I perceived a mass groaning, a hidden and disturbing feeling of anguish. The spirit emboldened me and brought me nigh to a listserv wherein the workings of the world were disserted and debated. My heart withered at the acrimony of the brood, and I feared for my senses and sanity. They summoned as such: Linus, Richard, Bjarne, Dennis, James, Guido, Bill, Steve, Steve. Yea, the greatest and most feared was Linus.

The spirit lifted me and I beheld a series of images scanned into view line by line over the course of thirteen minutes. Thirteen marked the hour of the seconds bissected by the ticks from the epoc rounded to an even number. And then my eyes beheld the scantily-clad figure of the Goddess herself gripped by the God in the Great Rite. I could see the bytes of the universe coursing through wires as binary codes flashed in and out and in and out of CPU sockets. I felt a great yearning in my nethers, but the image upon the viewports of Totality went black.

The spirit departed me and I found myself in a dark room, drenched in the sweats of cold shivers, a light from a timepiece pulsing iridescent numbers into my psyche, foretelling the rise of the morning star. Be not like me, thou eager apprentice; keep thy dealings in the Realms of the Bytes afore the hours that reacheth the ante meridiem. Harken not to the siren calls of the agents of the listserv, nor cast thine eyes too readily upon the unclad figures of the earthly creatures.

~ $xBitHack666x

Overture of the Lamb of Service

Mary had a little lamb, it climbed onto a Logstash.
The manager bitched about slow servers, it fixed them with a clear cache.

Mary killed her little lamb, she thought this rhyme was sexist.
She won a job at Microsoft, now she drives a Lexus.

Spell of Infernal Destruction

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Ye Olde Combinatory Board of Primal Magicks Divine

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Spell of Love, Illustrious

Ritual Accoutrements

1 Red Candle

1 Black Altar Cloth

1 Match

1 Digital Camera (Webcam May Suffice)

1 Computer With Mouse or Track Pad

1 Internet Connection

1 Hoard of Time

Convene in a private location away from prying eyes. It is good and wise to cleanse the ritual accoutrements before this working, though the Spell may bring good, though lesser, effect regardless. Place the red candle on your black-dressed altar and light the candle with the match. Be sure to light the match in one strike and do not let it go out before lighting the candle or the Spell will be ruined and you will have to wait a full cycle of the moon in order to start afresh. For best results you must unclad yourself of your earthly vestments and allow the Divine Mother to radiate her glory upon your visage.

Chant the following incantation three times while kneeling lustily:

Oh Goddess, oh God, I pray to thee
That ye shall bring a partner to me.
And with this Spell I bind them thrice
'Cuz if they stay that would be nice.

Take up the digital camera and procure at least three selfies in the candle light. The number of matches the gods will bring to you will be inversely proportional to the amount of clothing that you are wearing during this critical step.

Engage the computer to cast its warm glow within your ritual space. Feel the presence of the Goddess as you bask in its glory. At this point, connect your digital camera to your computer via whatever esoteric practice meets with your desires or particular tradition, while chanting the following:

Sacred pictures, come to me
A sublime purpose I have for thee

Harken carefully to these next instructions for they impart the energy into the Spell. On the computer, open your favorite ritual web browser and go to the web page deciphered by this table of letters which your intuition derives:

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Provide the digital parchment with your name and all the information about yourself which you hold dear. It will ask you deep and probing questions; for the efficacy of this Spell you MUST provide the answers. Provide also with great haste the sacred pictures which you collected, being careful not to allow much time for the energy to uncharge.

Unless you are of unholy demeanor and come into this world as a waif from the Other Side, this Spell shall grant you your true love in course of due time. Be patient, oh tearful and longing one, for the workings of love are difficult even for the Great and Timeless Ones.

In order that this Spell be most efficacious, harken to the Incarnate Money Spell elsewhere in this tome, for this Spell of Love, Illustrious may require the supplemental accoutrement of lucre.

Close now the ritual browser and turn off the computer. Allow the candle to go out naturally, melting red wax upon your workspace as it desires. It is the symbol of the intent of this Spell. Before retiring and feasting upon Ice Creams and Ales, chant this closing charm thirteen times:

I may be single for today
By help of magick, yea I may
Acquire body, mind, and heart
Of another, quick and smart