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A woman goes to her boyfriend’s parents’ house for Christmas dinner.
This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.
They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.
The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart.
It wasn’t loud, but everyone at the table heard the “poof”.
Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend’s father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman’s chair, and said in a rather stern voice, “Skippy!”.
The woman thought, “This is great!” and a big smile came across her face.
A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn’t even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer rrrrrrriiiipppp.
The father again looked at the dog and yelled, “Dammit Skippy!”
Once again the woman smiled and thought “Yes!”
A few minutes later the woman had to let another rip. This time she didn’t even think about it. She let a fart rip that rivaled a train whistle blowing.
Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, “Dammit Skippy, get away from her, before she shits on you!”

Two nuns went out of their convent to sell cookies. One is known as Sister Mathematical and the other as Sister Logical. It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
Sister Logical: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past half-hour?
Sister Mathematical: Yes, I wonder what he wants.
Sister Logical: It’s logical. He wants to rape us.
Sister Mathematical: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most. What can we do?
Sister Logical: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
Sister Mathematical: It’s not working.
Sister Logical: Of course it’s not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster too.
Sister Mathematical: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
Sister Logical: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I’ll go the this way. He cannot follows us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried what has happened to Sister Logical.
Then, Sister Logical arrives.
Sister Mathematical: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
Sister Logical: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn’t follow us both, so he followed me.
Sister Mathematical: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
Sister Logical: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
Sister Mathematical: And?
Sister Logical: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
Sister Mathematical: Oh, dear! What did you do?
Sister Logical: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
Sister Mathematical: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
Sister Logical: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
Sister Mathematical: Oh, no! What happened then?
Sister Logical: Isn’t it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.

Two nuns are out driving when a vampire drops onto the bonnet of their car. “Quick sister,” screams one nun, “Show him your cross!” So the other nun leans out of the window and shouts, “Oi! You! Fuck off!”

Two gay men decided to have a baby. They mixed their sperm and had a surrogate artificially inseminated. After the baby was born, they went to the hospital newborn ward. There was a dozen babies, eleven crying but only one smiling serenely. They were overjoyed when a nurse told them the happy child was theirs. “Isn’t that wonderful?” said one to the other. “All those unhappy children, but ours is happy.” The nurse said, “Oh, sure, he’s happy now. But just wait until I remove that pacifier from his butt!”

Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep sleep. He awoke before the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, “You died in your sleep, Ralph.” Ralph was stunned. “I’m dead? No, I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for. Send me back!” St. Peter said, “I’m sorry, but there’s only one way you can go back: as a chicken.” Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past. “So, you’re the new hen, eh? How’s your first day here?” “Not bad,” replied Ralph the hen, “but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I’m gonna explode!” “You’re ovulating,” explained the rooster. “Don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before?” “Never,” said Ralph. “Well, just relax and let it happen.” Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg — his joy was overwhelming. As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife shout, “Dammit, Ralph! Wake up. You’re shitting the bed!”

Three third-grade boys were bored at recess, so one suggested they play a game: “Who’s got the largest weenie?” They all agreed, exposed themselves and the Italian and Irish boys were surprised to lose to the redneck. At dinner that evening, the redneck’s mother asked, “What did you do at school today?” “Oh, Momma, we worked on a science project, had a math test, read out loud from a book, …and during recess my friends and I played ‘Who’s got the largest weenie?’” “What kind of game is that, honey?” asked his mom. “Well, me and Antonio and Patrick compared our weenies and mine was the biggest. They say it’s because I’m a Redneck. Is that true, Mom? Is it because I’m a Redneck?” His mother replied, “No, dear. It’s because you’re twenty-three!”

A husband goes home and says to his wife, “Do you know what GST stands for?”
She says, “No.”
He said, “It means ‘Good Sex Tonight’.”
She said, “Oh, really.”
He said, “Yeah, what are my chances?”
She said, “About 7%.”
‘OH SURE AND NOW THE CONSERVATIVES WANT TO REDUCE IT BY 1%’

Two fellows from Kentucky were sitting around talking one afternoon. After a while the first fellow says to the second, “If’n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday and make love to your wife while you was off huntin’, and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?”
The second fellow crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he says, “Well, I don’t know about that, but it sure would make us even.”

A little girl raised her hand during a biology lesson and asked if her grandmother could have a baby. The teacher was a bit surprised at the question but answered that the grandmother was too old to have babies.
“So what about my mother?” asked the girl. The teacher said that it was possible, but that her mother was probably getting too old to be having babies as well.
“Well, then could I have a baby?” she wanted to know.
“Goodness no!” said the teacher, “you are much too young.”
“See!” said a voice from the back of the classroom, “I told YOU you didn’t have anything to worry about.”