UKIP declared winner of all politics ever

UKIP supporters were celebrating today after their party was declared the winner of all politics since the beginning of time.

In a series of developments that have stunned onlookers, leaders of every political party and government in the whole world have recognised UKIP’s resounding victory and appointed Nigel Farage as their new leader.

The world’s dictators and autocrats were reportedly reluctant to concede defeat to UKIP until Farage personally reminded them to be good sports, meaning that the UKIP leader is currently de facto ruler of Planet Earth.

“We were particularly happy to beat Zanu-PF, the Maori Party of New Zealand, Sultan Qaboos of Oman, and Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg in the contest of all politics in the history of humankind,” commented a spokesman for UKIP. “It couldn’t have gone better. We won a few fairly meaningless seats in the European Parliament and it all sort of snowballed from there, so now we’re basically in control of every human being in the entire world. Nige is going to figure out what to do with them all once he’s got back from the pub.”

“For the time being though – spoiler alert – apartheid might be making a comeback!” added the spokesman. “And we don’t like France much, so we’ll probably get rid of it.”