If you've been following the election at all, you know that it is ridiculously wanktastic. Topics have included the following: trolls, seizure-inducing icons, jokey rape comms, neo-Nazis, regular Nazis, bannings, sockpuppet voting, aspersions on all of fandom, and death threats. Which got me thinking:

What would happen if I ran for the LJ Advisory Board?

I don't mean that in any seriousness at all, as I would be a terrible representative of LiveJournal, what with my inability to A) have opinions and B) express them. What I really want to know is what sort of wank would I cause?

Any time you put yourself out there, you become a lightning rod for drama. When Veronica Mars was big, I had the occasional comment directed at me in various hate memes (do people still do those?). Now that the show is off the air, I'm no longer important, and there's no reason to hate me. But if I had hundreds of people flocking to my journal and examining me down to the last minute detail to see how good of a candidate I was or exactly how inferior I was to someone's chosen candidate, the hate would flow freely! How glorious it would be!

So why would people attack me (and remember, I would only be worth attacking if I actually had a shot at winning)? Would it be because I'm Indian?? Oh my God, you guys, do you want a POSSIBLE TERRORIST representing you??? Maybe it's my self-professed lack of intelligence! Or humility! And did you hear that I had dinner with people from LJ? Who knows what happened there? Maybe they're rigging the election for me! You don't know, DO YOU. I'm such a bastard!

I've given you some starter ideas. Now I want you to troll my journal! Take sides! Malign my integrity! Defend my honor! Hurl baseless accusations and cat macros! Feel free to recruit your well-meaning friends, but be aware that actual trolling will not be permitted. Let's have fun out there, folks. Here's a faux election poll to give you some fodder.

Comments:

I clicked one of those other people. Because you still watch Smallville. And Heroes. And lots of other shows I find tortorous. As a representative of the people you would probably force such mandatory watching on all of us. Thus, you must be stopped.

I couldn't decide if I wanted to be represented by someone whose development stage - judging from random and doubtlessly representative samples of his lj/comments - seems to be that of an obnoxious twelve-year-old, or by someone who carries "malfoy" in their user name, so I chose you. But if you were running, I wouldn't choose you, because I would want you to stay away from the crazy wankery of that trainwreck position. I don't want to see people I like on fandom_wank.

And to malign your integrity I hereby accuse you of having two e's in your user name, which is absolutely not hypocritical of me.

That just says everything to me about your pathetic electoral platform. I voted for some other person (I can't even remember their name to be honest) because anybody who publicly professes their predilection for masturbation clearly can't be a good representative of my interests.

Ummmm, that was what you were asking us to do wasn't it? That was my feeble attempt at faux trolling, in case you couldn't tell - not a word of it is true .....

Brandon Hillock is the muthafuckin' MAN. Everything you said and more, between being able to play Deputy Sacks and Jack Sparrow is AWESOME. Also, I quite ashamedly saw the picture of him and Ariel, and I gotta say, it must be the power of his many 'staches.

If you were starting a LiveJournal, and wanted to name yourself after a ghost cow, you'd probably just call yourself "ghostcow". It's a straight-shooting name for a straight-shooting person like yourself. Not Sunil. He called himself "spectralbovine" so that only pretentious word nerds know what the hell he's named after.

You probably read comic books. Who doesn't love comic books? Not Sunil. He prefers "graphic novels" -- especially ones with characters that most of us would call "uppity women". He's also written whole posts declaring his love for sushi, but not one about his love for thick, juicy hamburgers. Is this the man we want in charge when Xangan terrorists attack at 3am? The answer, people, is no.

That spectralbovine, he refuses to see the problems with fictional things he loves, even when they totally jump the shark; how can we trust him to critically look at lj's policies as a part of the advisory board? Already too personally invested in lj's staff and beaurocrazy, he will only end up being a yes man and eternal apologist for the kind of disgraceful hyjinx we are all hoping our representative will serve as a watchdog for. Say no to spectralbovine, say no to apologist bullshit.

You sir, are a pathetic excuse for a politician! You're all fun and interesting and agreeable and you like really good shows like Veronica Mars and Farscape. Hey, wait a minute! That all sounds pretty good! I may not have known you long, but I do know this: when you can make standing in line at a con an event worth reading about, you're worthy of a vote even if one thing has nothing to do with the other.