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Trumping Easter

God: How are you Grandad? No, scratch that. I know how you are. My commiserations!

Me: Thanks. There are a few things puzzling me about this Easter thing. I was wondering if you had the answers?

God: Of course I have the answers. I have the answers to everything. I am omniscient after all?

Me: Well, first of all, they killed your son and then call it Good Friday. Shouldn't that be Bad Friday?

God: Why? When you live in an eternity then all days are the same. Naming a day Good makes all days Good.

Me: But they killed him!

God: Well, you know the old saying – whatever kills you makes you stronger.

Me: Don't you mean whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger?

God: No. That one only applies to you mortals. Actually it did mean that the little sod is now claiming two birthdays. Technically he's right so I had to claim that we'll only have a party every million years. Being eternal has its advantages.

Me: And then there's the thing about rising on the third day. Surely Sunday is the second day after Friday?

God: Don't believe everything you read in the bible. In fact don't believe anything you read in the bible. That was just some tacky merchandising written by some blokes trying to cash in on my son's misfortunes. They got it all wrong, and as you have discovered, they couldn't even count.

Me: Another thing… What's all the business about Easter floating around all over the place? Sometimes it's in March and sometimes it's in April. I know it's all this business of the Sunday after the first full moon after the Spring Equinox, but why?

God: *cough* Errrr…. Um…. Well, I'll let you into a little secret but don't tell anyone. That is one thing I actually don't know. After all, I'm not omniscient.

Me: but you said you were omniscient and now you're saying you're not?

God: That's the advantage of being almighty – I can be both. Now if you'll excuse me, I have some speeches to write for Donald Trump.

Me: Donald Trump? What has he got to do with Easter?

God: Nothing. He's just my little bit of fun with the Americans. Maybe there is a touch of revenge there too. They keep asking me to bless them and I'm doing just that, but not in the way they expected. Maybe after the elections they'll leave me alone.

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Trumping Easter — 4 Comments

"Americans, yes I know it's unfair but apparently God had some fracas with your founding fathers and damned the entire race in perpetuity. He sends particular condolences to the Mormons who He realises put in a lot of work"- Rowan Aktinson 'Devil Sketch'