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Wednesday, February 27, 2013

[JTL day 13] Stopping reacting to fear from childhood part 1

Exposing any fear-related reaction within and as me at this moment:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that fear is the consequence of self-dishonesty.I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize when I participate within fear.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/understand/realize that I fear.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny that I participate within fear.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to prove that I do not fear with recklessness.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to promote myself as unafraid.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from facing fear.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from others realizing that I fear.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe/think that if I suppress fear, others will not realize it.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that if I accept fear within me - I am responsible for manifesting what I accepted myself within the relationship of fearing from experiencing what I've defined as fearful.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lie to myself that I do not fear at all, never.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to promote fear by accepting and allowing myself living in fear.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to unquestionably learn fear from parents and teachers and not realizing the how and why.I forgive myself that I have never dared to question my fears regarding to death.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny that I fear when someone tells me that I am in fear because then I might do something wrong but unless I am not aware of my fear, I do not have to deal with it.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to develop methods to suppress and hide fear within and as me to not needing to face it as myself as equal as one.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that any thoughts I participate within is a sign of fear within and as me.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from remaining within fear.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself experience superiority when noticing someone is acting according to fear and experience inferiority when I am experiencing fear and apparently others around me not experiencing fear.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define fear as energy.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define fear as fuel.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define fear as motivation.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define fear as power.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define fear as evil.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define fear as separate from me.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that if I participate within fear - I am responsible for the consequences of such starting point.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to occupy myself in order to divert my attention from fear.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the best way to stop fear is to sleep one.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to act towards fear because of the starting point of fearing from remaining within fear.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from being exposed within fear and experiencing being humiliated by others because of being exposed within fear.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not use the word fear within the belief that then I do not fear.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid the words as 'I fear' and 'I fear of ...' and 'I fear from ...' because within the belief/self-definition of if I do not say I fear then I do not fear.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to laugh at somebody who I perceive as acting according to fear.I forgive myself that I have never ever allowed myself to acknowledge to myself that I fear from death, not because of the experience but because all the wants I've defined myself that I must do before death I have not done therefore fearing from not fulfilling my desires and future projections and not realizing that this extent of fear from myself is proving to me that I can not build anything consistent within the starting point of fear.I forgive myself that I have never allowed myself to realize that suppressing and absorbing fear is NOT a solution but self-harm.

Okay this was just an introductory to the word fear.

When I was kid for a while in my conscious mind - I had enormous fear - the most prominent was when night came and I was in my room, in my bed, I felt like something is throbbing within me and I felt and heard my heart pounding and I had no stability point but constantly feeling that I am falling, I am falling apart, I am perishing, I am all ever changing without stability and nothing really remains within me and within that fear I had the impression that I am falling into the endless oblivion of existence/universe.It was strange experience but I had FIGHTS many-many nights to stop this experience, to stop this being lost feeling, this apparently huge, enormous, intoxicating physical experience of fear, almost like a shock, a severe trauma that I do not know what is going on, I do not know why I am in this family wherein I am, I do not know who I am, I do not know what to do, I do not know what I experience, I do not know what will happen, I do not know how to stop this nasty, energetic experience within me.My senses were sending constant nonsense, like with my tongue I touched one of my teeth and I've felt my tooth ENORMOUS, HUGE, I've felt that my gums and my tooth are like planet-sized and I am being pushed towards these GIGANTIC forces me like a rag-doll based on laws of such physix what I do not understand, can not predict, unable to stop, not possible to fight over.

And hearing my heart pounding LOUD, feeling the pressure in my veins after each heart-pulsing, hearing it within my ear made me really mad after a while - I had such an unexplainable physical and mind fear that I felt absolutely powerless and I just wanted to end this and I just could not.It was a part of my childhood, I remember our house in the village, I remember our room with my sister, I remember the pine trees making the crazy sound by the wind at nights and that made me really haunted and I was after some sort of quiet, peace, calm and self-presence but I did not understand this, I was just reacting to my fear.

In fact I've written about this already here in my blog some years ago when I started Desteni Process, but the Self-correction for this I never walked - so I start here and I will continue on walking Self-forgiveness and self-correction on my childhood's fear experiences.