“If evil be said of thee, and if it be true, correct thyself; if it be a lie, laugh at it.”—Epictetus

Sunday, July 31, 2016

The HoseMaster of Wine™ is Short Listed for a Roederer Wine Writers' Award

I’d forgotten that I’d entered my work on Tim Atkin MW’s site for a Roederer International Wine Writers’ Award. Every year that I’ve written for Tim, he has requested that all of his regular contributors make sure to enter the competition. It seems to be a self-nominating process, for the most part. I’m not comfortable with nominating myself for anything, except, perhaps, being an organ donor for a charity barbecue. And, I would always say to Tim, what chance does a scatalogical, raucous, tasteless satirist have in such a prestigious competition? It’s like a narcissistic buffoon trying to get nominated for President of the United States. Are people really that crazy?

I’ve won three Wine Blog Awards, and was nominated, I don’t know, maybe eleven times. I might be the most nominated wine blogger ever. Which is more shameful than not. I never nominated myself. I can say from experience that the Wine Blog Awards have a value equivalent to winning a Cub Scout merit badge. You get to wear it on a sash, but it’s hard to recognize what you actually accomplished, aside from wearing it on a sash. The Wine Blog Awards are inherently cynical and self-aggrandizing, and not worth the paper they are not written on. I’d give them back, but there’s not a fucking thing to give back. It’s like trying to return your order of refried beans with a melodic fart. There’s some satisfaction, to be sure, but it’s more about fragrance than substance.

The Roederers haven’t been around that long. But in a short span of time, they have become perhaps the most important award in wine writing. Granted, that’s a bit like being the most important award in hair styling, but true, nonetheless. In my mind, anyway. The James Beard Awards are prestigious, but there are more categories than the DSM, most of them eerily identical. Plus, I looked at the judges for the Roederers, and I couldn’t help but be impressed. (By the way, for you fellow cynics out there, Tim Atkin was not allowed to judge either me or Andrea Frost because he pays us to be on his site.) When I went to the Wine Blog Awards site, I could not find a list of this year’s judges. It’s as if they’d drawn profane cartoons of the prophet Mohammed and were in hiding. Je suis Cowardly.

But this isn’t a piece about the difference between the two awards. The only difference is one matters, the other is just so much marketing bullshit. Use your nose, it’s easy to tell which is which.

Tim Atkin sent an email on Wednesday informing Andrea Frost and me that we were going to appear on the short list for the Roederer Awards’ Ramos Pinto Online Communicator of the Year Award. I was a little confused. I used to know a busboy named Ramos who drove a Pinto, but that didn’t really make any sense. Why would he give me an award? Then I remembered entering the Roederers' competition. I was flabbergasted. I was sure Tim was screwing with me. I’m still not convinced it isn’t some sort of elaborate hoax to get me to London and humiliate me. Though that assumes there is some value in humiliating a nobody, like casting aspersions on a new Tim Allen movie.

Yet it’s true. I’ve been shortlisted (which always sounds to me like being shortsheeted—some sort of childish prank) for a Roederer Award. For one of the few times in my career as HoseMaster of Wine™, I’m proud.

I am proud, and amazed, because so rarely are satire and comedy awarded a seat at the Big Kids’ table. That my name is on a list with Andrew Jeffords and Jane Anson, two writers for whom I have enormous respect, is important—to me, of course, but far more importantly, to the cause and place of satire in wine writing. I have spent six years writing HoseMaster of Wine™. I try only to make people laugh, and very often squirm. I try to be interesting, fearless, and deranged. A Fool. I’m my own harshest critic. I take a back seat to no one when it comes to hating what I write. Yet that is the nature of a comedy writer. The most difficult thing for me to accept for the past few days has been the notion that perhaps I deserve the Roederer Award nomination. I’m trying to believe I’ve earned it. I’ll get there, but I don’t yet believe it.

The easiest part of this is that I will not win. I don’t care, not even the least bit. In fact, I would be humiliated to be chosen over Jeffords or Anson. My other fellow short listers are talented folks, too, I don’t mean to denigrate them by not addressing them, but Jeffords and Anson are in a league where I am not qualified to play. In that list, I’m the “What’s Wrong with This Picture?” guy. I know that. Yet Satire is there, playing in that league, with me as the Designated Hater. I think it’s something of a lovely miracle.

I’m not that good. I have fun, and I love to write, but I’m not really that good. Nor am I playing at false humility. Were it not for the unwavering support and encouragement of Tim Atkin MW, I wouldn’t even have bothered to apply. His belief in my satire, his willingness to allow me to write what I want without any sort of filter or editing, even at personal financial risk (from the morons at Riedel), is what put me on the wine writing map. While I owe the most to my beautiful wife, and to my long time common taters, I would never have been mentioned alongside such talent without the support of Tim Atkin MW. My sincerest thanks to him. He put his reputation behind me when no one else would. I won't ever forget that.

My mother always wanted me to be a writer. I broke her heart when I became a sommelier instead (oddly, something, in this day and age of sommelier glorification, I would not have pursued). My first thought when I saw Tim’s congratulatory email was of her. That, friends, is all the award I need.

i like your writing but others on the short list seem very odd choices indeed, a couple can't write for toffee and you have to wonder why they have even been considered,let alone shortlisted. Unless as some kind of 'statement' or perhaps from darker motives.

Pam,Thanks, Love. Hey, when are we going to hang out? After all these years, we should.

EVO,Thanks. I'm still dumbfounded and haven't quite yet come to believe it. Not that it's THAT big a deal, but being the satirist, the rabid dog of wine writing, I never expected any sort of important recognition. I confess I could get used to it.

Nick,Any competition that short lists me is immediately suspect, as far as I'm concerned. But thanks for liking my work. I hope that whoever wins is up to everyone's standards.

Congrats to you, Master of Hoses! IMHO, any writing that consistently causes me to either spit my coffee or weep with joy or grief, or sometimes both, deserves recognition. Enjoy the moment, and get back to work!

"...aspersions on a new Tim Allen movie." Or reviewing books without reading them. Chuckle chuckle, actually the appropriate way to review some wine books. Congratulations on being short cheated, you deserved it...never miss a single poorly written episode of the HSM.

@Nick It's not a dark secret, but there just really aren't that many people writing about wine and even fewer doing it well. Ron stands out for the latter and actually making wine entertaining, which is incredibly hard these days, especially as there are some on the list who do anything but...

Yeah, there are a few that maybe shouldn't be there. Maybe the judges had a particular leaning towards their writing. Maybe they were just at the beginning of the submissions and the judges got tired by the end but it's a pretty typical listing with a number of the same names that pop up year after year along with a couple of new ones. I can only guess that they're just testing the waters by nominating them to see if a little nudge could maybe propel them to do more and better in the future. I've seen others nominated in the past definitely not rise to the occasion as they thought being shortlisted meant they'd "made it."

In addition to there being few wine writers, it's a pretty lonely pursuit, and with a lot of criticism tossed at you whether you deserve it or not. Snortin' a little awards powder from time to time livens things up.

Congratulations, HoseMaster! As you note, you may not win - though I wouldn't wager against your prospects - but the consolation is seeing that satire, the most challenging of the comedic arts to pull off deftly, is regarded so highly within the wine establishment, and in the UK at that.

Ron My Love,YOu have always been a beacon of joy and a sigh of great relief for our industry, so glad to see that others are finally seeing it. I am always honored to know and love you but these things give me a little charge of the thrilling sort...you fucking deserve it and I am sp damn proud of You. I love You!

Anyone who writes about wine understands how challenging it is to make it seem interesting. The hurdle has always been that wine is far more interesting to smell and taste than it is to write about. It has that in common with erotica. Satire represents a way of looking at the world from a very skewed perspective, which, one hopes, is a way of making the reader reconsider the "normal" perspective. It's also supposed to generate laughter, which is the most liberating and wondrous human response to anything. When it does both, when it pushes boundaries, when it challenges and offends, is when it works.

Yet satire always struggles to find a place. It mocks power, and power doesn't much like that. It relentlessly takes on the pretenders, the fraudulent, and the talentless among us, many of whom hold positions of power. Satire isn't supposed to show any mercy. And while it is fun to see it at its best, it can be hard to take it when you are its target. I am either welcomed with enthusiasm when I meet someone I've lampooned, or I am openly disdained. I never know which reaction to expect.

I'd love to win. Why wouldn't I? But the art form I love has won a small victory in the short listing of my work for Tim Atkin. I'm satisfied with that, and damned proud, too.

Big congrats to the Housemaster! As others have said here, you make us readers laugh and that requires a generous dose of talent.Good luck from a fellow nominee who is clearly the odd one out on the list.

Amy Love,Hey, send me a video of that "Girls Gone Wild" moment! I'm compiling a Topless MW YouTube video. The one of Clive Coates is amazing. The guy is stacked.

Marcia Love,You're one of the senior members when it comes to common taters. Thank you for all the years of support. People like you, and there are only a few, kept me going.

Gabe,Thanks. I have to say, I'm actually pretty happy about the nomination. I'm rarely proud of my work, but this has helped.

Yolanda!Welcome. So sweet of you to drop by and be a common tater. I'm honored to be in the same category with you, and, who knows, one of us might win! Thank you for the kind words. Maybe I'll have the privilege of meeting you in London.

Blaise,Smooch! Thank you for the very kind words.

Charlie,From the earliest days, you've been here lending your authority and importance to my silly blog. That's meant more to me than you might know. Others in the biz read my work, but most have kept a distance. You have always been here contributing wit and insight, and I very much appreciate it.

I do take the cause of humor seriously. Humor and satire are necessary. Imagine a world without them, especially in this election year. The wine world doesn't really need another mediocre wine writer--there are countless. A few more humorists would be more than welcome.

Ron: absolutely deserved! I so look forward to Monday mornings when your posts arrive in my email bag. Usually, I have already been fighting the dragons of boredom in the wine biz, so I need the respite that your wicked wit provides. You very rarely let me down. You know what they say, "Just being nominated is reward enough!" (Of course, we all know that WINNING is the ultimate revenge, but...)Congratulations, and keep sharpening that sword!Don

Tim,Awards are made to be questioned, don't you think? A judge's task is often thankless, but I'm more than willing to thank you, all the judges who voted for me (I know you could not), and even those who didn't vote for me. It must have been grueling work digging through the pile of manure looking for the ponies.

I find that talent is its own reward. My reward has been discovering my long lost comedy voice again, and meeting all the amazing people who arrived in my life because they admired my modest talent. It's been a blast from the beginning. Finding my voice, getting "discovered," being allowed to increase my influence and audience thanks to your support and your site, and finding genuine love and friendship with Samantha, Charlie, Lana, Kelli, Lisa PB, Marcia, Thomas, Christy, players to be named later, and Lo Hai Qu. I certainly want to win the Roederer Ramos Pinto Online Communicator Award, but I've already won. More than I ever dreamed possible.

I love what I do. And never more than when those I lampoon hate what I do.

Don,Many thanks. And thanks for being such a loyal common tater.

Charlotte,You're too kind. Thank you. I hope one day we get to meet. I'd love to thank you in person.

Actually, it's not a thankless task. I got bored of reading the 20th article about Beaujolais (all saying the same thing) but it was a pleasure to come across new writers, as well as to reward people whose continued excellence is an inspiration. There are people I would like to have seen on the shortlist, but we made the final decisions as a very good team where everyone had their say. I'm proud of the shortlist and even prouder of the winners. All will be revealed n September!

Tim,I was just about to publish my Beaujolais article! Damn. It's a hard-hitting expose of Beaujolais Nouveau. So many fake bottles in the auction trade. I wouldn't buy older lots of them no matter what the provenance.

Actually, it must have been interesting to find talented writers who were new to you. I am familiar with the folks in my category, but the Emerging Writers category revealed some new voices to me, a few terrific ones. As you have said, wine writing isn't really dead. There are some wonderful voices out there (I admire yours, Tim, as you know) if you know where to look.

Congratulations for a well deserved nomination! I very much admire the writing of Andrew Jeffords and Jane Anson too and find their pieces engaging and refreshing in this oft mundane and repetitive world of putting wine into words. However, like other common taters here, yours is the only one I get excited about seeing in my inbox and will make time in a full schedule to read, often laughing out loud and sharing with my coworkers so we can laugh at ourselves and the career we've chosen, and sometimes being introspective and self-reflective with some of your more emotional and poignant pieces that really hit the mark when you have to courage to create and post them. Thank you for what you do and thank you for being you and not just announcing this great honor but doing it in the fashion that got you here-- I mean: "It’s like trying to return your order of refried beans with a melodic fart. There’s some satisfaction, to be sure, but it’s more about fragrance than substance". How do you come up with this stuff? However you do it, thanks for sharing it with all of us and getting the judges Roederer Wine Writers' Awards to read it too. Good luck.

Gbrezic,"How do you come up with this stuff?" is a question I've been asked my entire life. I have no idea. I surprise myself all the time, which is one reason why I keep writing. I never know what sort of bean-fueled flatulence I'll come up with.

Thank you for the kind words. The Roederer short listing has been an enormous lift for me. I'm very proud, and I'm almost never proud of what I do here. It's been a great feeling.

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About Me

After 19 years as a Sommelier in Los Angeles, twice named Sommelier of the Year by the Southern California Restaurant Writers' Association, I moved to Sonoma County to explore the other aspects of the wine business. I've spent, OK wasted, 35 years learning about and teaching about and swallowing wine. I am also a judge at the Sonoma Harvest Fair, San Francisco Chronicle Wine Competition and the San Francisco International Wine Competition--so I can spit like a rabid llama. I know more about wine than David Sedaris and I'm funnier than James Laube. Stay tuned for an informed but jaded view of everything wine and everything else.

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What the Critics Are Saying About HoseMaster of Wine

"If you want a great hoot and howl moment or two...go read the HoseMaster's year-end reflections...that guy is without a doubt the funniest SOB in the blog-world...and thank him for having the brains and balls to target his laser of laughter on anybody...HoseMaster for President...HoseMaster for Blogger of the Year...although he would be the first to say the bar is so damn low for that award, he should win it every year..."--Robert Parker

"...With sometimes crude analogies and occasional droppings of f-bombs, Washam cleverly uses satire to expose the underbelly of the wine business. It's often hilarious stuff as long as you're not the one being lampooned.Washam takes no prisoners in skewering all that is silly, stupid, frustrating and pretentious about wine, and his favorite targets are other bloggers and writers. No one is immune."

--Linda Murphy in "Vineyard and Winery Management"

"No one is immune from California sommelier and wine judge Ron Washam's skewering. He polishes that skewer with boundless enthusiasm and acuity."--JancisRobinson.com

"How do you introduce Ron Washam, the Hosemaster of Wine? Two things:

First: I’m not sure if there is anyone better at cutting through the confidence trick that is often intrinsic to the business of wine.

Second: in a world where offending people appears to border on the illegal, the Hosemaster piles in. No one is safe."

--Joss Fowler "Vinolent.com"

"As serious as the world of wine is, it does allow time for humor. Each Monday and Thursday, Ron Washam customarily posts a commentary on his needling wine blog HoseMaster of Wine. Washam, a former sommelier and comedy writer – he might say they are closely related – is the most opinionated, humorous and ribald observer in the wine world. His body of work is irreverent and remorseless. It’s almost always satire and parody, though he occasionally drifts into straight commentary, sometimes even with tasting notes. This past year, one of his posts was named the best of the year in the Wine Blog Awards. His success has spawned several imitations, which in their awkwardness show just how difficult satire is."

"Please let this guy write the scripts for Saturday Night Live which has gotten so lame...his newest "wisdom" is worth an Emmy....I wonder if he is the genius behind all those Hitler/Parker,etc. clips? No one else is remotely as funny or as talented.And the wine world sure needs someone to poke fun at all the nonsense and phoney/baloney unsufferable crap out there."

--Robert Parker

"Washam uses his own blog, HoseMaster of Wine, to skewer the industry in general and wine blogs in particular. If your mouse scoots to your browser's close box while reading a wine blog, Washam may be the blogger for you."

--San Francisco Chronicle

"Ron Washam, former sommelier, is easily the most bitingly funny blogger/wine writer that we have ever come across. He is an equal opportunity crusader who pillories big wineries and amateur bloggers alike, as well as everything and everyone in between...One needs a sense of humor and a tolerance for earthiness to enjoy reading The Hosemaster. We must have both because this guy deserves a wider audience, in our humble opinion."--Connoisseurs' Guide to California Wine

"In my opinion, and that of many others, his blog is one of the best. And in terms of satirical or parodic wine blogs, it has no peer. Ron’s alert eye catches every pretense and skewers it with laugh out loud mercilessness."

--Steve Heimoff

"This site should carry a warning label. It's sort of a Dave Barry/George Carlin approach to wine. The Hosemaster (real name Ron Washam) skewers fellow bloggers and industry savants with glee, while offering hilarious wine guides such as his Honest Guide to Grapes..."

--Paul Gregutt, Seattle Times

"Washam is a skilled wine judge (I have judged with him) who is willing to judge wine double blind, in public. To my knowledge, Parker does not do this and never has. So Ron's credentials are in place, and so is his sense of the absurd."

--Dan Berger, VintageExperiences

"...I consider Ron a very talented writer and I’ve long been an admirer of his scathing wit..."

--1WineDude

"And if any free sites think they can conquer the world, there’s always the Hosemaster to take ‘em down a notch."

--Tyler Colman "Dr. Vino"

"Those of you who know Ron either love or hate him, because he throws jabs like a punch drunk boxer, and we’re all in the firing line. He’ll throw them if he hates you, and he’ll throw them if he loves you. He’s a satirist of exceptional quality."

--Jo Diaz "Juicy Tales by Jo Diaz"

"I must say you are an idiot. I've never liked you. I have no idea why people find you funny."

--Reign of Terroir

"Robert (Joseph) was/is funny unlike HoseMaster who wasn't/isn't."

--Will Lyons (WSJ) on Twitter

"Hey Ron, let me ask you: is it true that you pick on girls and old critics because you don't think that they'll come back at you? Because if so, you lose: I'm on your ass now, asshole."