Wednesday, October 7, 2015

Change & Self Love

One of the things I've struggled with the most in this relationship is change. Specifically changing myself. This kind of change, in this particular relationship, feels different than anything else I've experienced.

I respect Jordan so much. He is a very intelligent, heart feeling person. And he has great intuition. He's right about 75% of the time, especially when it comes from his heart.

One of the main reasons we keep breaking up is because we aren't willing to sacrifice parts of our self for the other.

But the thing is, the change that I see that needs to happen is change that will only make me grow. Only make me a better person. And I resist it like hell, for many reasons but mostly out of fear. I don't want to do it for the wrong reasons. I don't want to base my change on another person. However, I know that changing myself in the ways I know I need to, to make this work, can only be beneficial to me. But taking that leap, to trust someone and change and grow with someone, so soon, it's scary. And I haven't been ready to just jump off that cliff just yet. These things that need changing, are things I've been avoiding dealing with for a long time and being with him has just brought them to the surface. They're so ingrained and rooted in me that I'm afraid if I rip them out, they'll bring other stuff up with them. Or just leave me too exposed and vulnerable that I will regret it in the first place.

I can't deny I've questioned the motives and future of this relationship. It is so intense. And our connection is unlike anything I've ever experienced or even dreamt of. It's scary and it's crazy. But then again, so are most of the big decisions I've made in my life. However, sometimes I wonder if it's too much? And then I approach these questions that seem to be recurring and inevitable in my life: Do I stick to society's mold for what a relationship should be? Does this even fit into that category? Or do I just say fuck it and create my own world where I can do whatever I want? And if I do that, will everything turn out ok? Is this absolutely crazy? And if so, is it the kind of crazy I'm looking for? The kind that makes you feel free and alive and blissfully happy?

Sometimes I don't know, sometimes I feel absolutely sure. And sometimes I find little bits like this at exactly the right time that remind me I'm heading in the right direction:

"...The ability to hear criticism and then to change yourself for the better based on that feedback is also a fucking superpower. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. My problem was not my willingness to change, but my willingness to change for the wrong reasons. Change should make you bigger, it should increase your tank of self love, it should make you stronger, clearer, more directed, more differentiated, and more compassionate. The pain of growth is different than the pain of destruction. One will fill you with love and pride, even when it is hard, and the other will fill you with shame and fear. No one should use shame or fear to try to get you to change. When they do this they are not asking for change, they are asking for control..."

Sometimes I think I am losing myself to this relationship. Sometimes fear gets the best of me and I let it take control. It happens to all of us right? But I think the reason I know this relationship is right is because when fear steps in, when either of us start living in fear instead of love, everything falls apart. Our partnership is never based on fear or shame. And when it becomes that, that is when we have problems. The only time we have problems. When we can keep it based on love and respect and compassion, it is absolutely amazing. It's been difficult for either of us to step away so that we can heal from the inside. But we're learning that, especially right now, what we need is time and space for the both of us to take care of our own things.

So this time apart, I'm working on my sense of self. So that when issues do arrive, I can fix them. For me. And with as much grace as I can possibly muster. And not because I am dependent on him or being with him, or because the relationship is dependent on me changing. But because I want to grow and experience the potential that my life has in store for me. I know this relationship is what I'm supposed to do in my future, I feel it so deep down that I'm supposed to be with him. But right now, I need to focus on myself.

Being with Jordan has challenged me in more ways than I could possibly imagine. It has been a whirlwind and I got too caught up in in, it became too much. I guess the hard part is realizing that I'm going to have to surrender. Not to him, not to the relationship, but to myself. And trust that everything will be ok. That once I completely expose myself to this new experience in my life, I'm still going to keep living. And thriving. And that's also something I'm working on. Trusting and believing. In the Universe, but most importantly in myself.

It's so funny because it seems like every time an issue arises in the past few months (and years I guess), I always come back to self love. And I remember that at the beginning of this year, that was my one and only goal for myself. And of course, the universe sends me this person. This person that loves me, that connects with me, that understands me, that pushes me, and that challenges me. This person that forces me to look at myself, to love myself, to trust myself, and to not be afraid. I couldn't of asked for a more empowering person to call my love. But... I guess I did. And that's exactly what I got.

"People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.

A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.

A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master...”

-Elizabeth Gilbert

But what if good always comes out of the pain? You only know true happiness by knowing true pain right? Do you really have to give up on learning? And growing? And being with that person?

I for one never want to live a stagnant life. That is why I made such a huge transition in the beginning/middle of this year. I wanted something else, something better. I have never and will never do things because they're easy, I do them because they're worth it. But is it possible for me to be strong enough to withstand this kind of pain if it only means I will become a better person for it? Can we rise above and beyond the challenges? And create something that no one imagined we could be? What if we actually stuck together and became the best versions of our self, together? Continuously. Then we'd be the true meaning of a power couple. But... is that even possible? Do I have that kind of commitment and determination in me?

I'm not really sure yet but I sure as heck am going to try. For myself.