Monthly Archives: May 2012

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Today’s myth brought to you by
JUMPKICK FLAPJACK, THE KANGAROO LUMBERJACK
actually i was just too lazy to look up the person’s real name
I hope you like your new nickname, Jumpkick
anyway, this is a story about aphrodite fucking people over

Okay so weasels are great
they look like hairy balloon animals
and their name sounds like the noise balloon animals make when you rub them together
and then when you rub weasels together
THEY ACTUALLY MAKE THAT NOISE
or else bite you and run away
I don’t know
I’ve never even seen a weasel in person to be honest
but I’ve seen a lot of balloon animals
and those are great.

All this is to say
that if a weasel suddenly developed a crush on me one day I would try to be understanding
i mean i would still be grossed out
because ew
but I always try to give the benefit of the doubt to things that resemble clown byproducts
(see also: clownfish, juggalos, crying children)
so I would at least let the weasel down easy.
NOT SO FOR THE PROTAGONIST OF OUR TALE
i don’t know what his name is because fuck it
but he’s the kind of jerk who finds himself the unwilling recipient of unsolicited ladyweasleboners
and just FLIPS HIS SHIT
and is like NO NO NO NO EW GROSS NO GO AWAY
and then the lady weasel is like aww
and then she’s like oh man
it’s a good thing I live in an enlightened age where animals can talk
i better use all my talking to pray for aphrodite to come solve my sex problems
YO
APHRODITE
HELP ME PRANK THIS HUMAN DUDE INTO SEXING ME
and aphrodite is ok I’ll be down in a minute
lemme just put some clothes on

so aphrodite shows up and turns the weasel into a hot chick
and the weasel is like OH MAN
HOT CHICK
IT’S GO TIME
so she runs up to the dude from earlier like SEXXXX PLEASEEEE
and the dude is like YOU’RE WELCOME
and then they get married like right there
and they’re about to get freaky
and Aphrodite is like hm
i wonder if there’s still time to fuck this up
oh man
what a silly question
there is always time to fuck everything up
so she’s just like FIZZAM
and turns the lady back into a weasel
and the dude is like AWW COME ON
I HAD MY DICK OUT AND EVERYTHING
WHAT THE FUCK
I DO NOT WANT A WEASEL GETTING HER CHAW ON ALL OVER MY DICK
GET OUT OF HERE YOU CRAZY WEASEL
YOU CRAZY SHAPESHIFTING REVERSE-BESTIALITY WEASEL
GO FIND SOMEONE WHO SHARES YOUR PERVERSE FANTASIES ON THE INTERNET.
so that is what the weasel does, probably

now here is my problem with Aesop’s fables
this dude always provides a moral
and his morals are always WAYYY WRONG
take for example, this one:
if you have an evil nature, it will always be revealed in the end
EVEN IF YOU CHANGE YOUR APPEARANCE.
what the fuck?
No!
That’s not what this story is telling us at all.
First of all, weasels aren’t evil. This one just wanted some hot man-lovin’
This story is basically just The Little Mermaid with Ursula replaced by a sex-rampagin’ jerk-goddess
and second of all
terrible people get breast implants EVERY DAMN DAY
AND IT WORKS
MOSTLY ON EQUALLY TERRIBLE PEOPLE
the breast implants do not turn into weasels whenever these terrible people get frisky
they stay firm and vaguely breastlike
so I hear.

SO WE CAN ALL AGREE THAT AESOP HAD NO IDEA WHAT HE WAS TALKING ABOUT
and we can also agree
that the real moral of the story
is that there is no one hundred percent reliable way
to have sex with animals and have it not be gross.