Paris Hilton: The Brand

Michael ArceneauxJune 25, 2007

Only in America would anyone offer Paris Hilton a million dollars to teach a class about the obvious. According to TMZ, The Learning Annex Real Estate and Wealth Expos is offering Paris the absurd amount of money to teach a one hour class on building your brand in the cities of Seattle, Chicago, New York and Boston.

Founder, Bill Zanker called Hilton “brilliant.”

What’s so brilliant about the following plan?

1. Be rich already.

2. Have a famous last name.

3. Use your wealth and status to hang with real celebrities, latching on to as many as possible with the hopes of going from “celebutant” to genuine celebrity?

4. Ignore hygiene and forgo the burden that is underwear.

4b. Be photographed several times doing so, but be sure to wax.

5. Become known for your sexual escapades, then play off public curiosity by leaking a sex tape.

5b. Make sure you pretend it wasn’t your idea to do so.

6. Play off on America’s obsession with wealth and exploit it in your favor. Best way of doing so: star in television’s latest and greatest trend – a reality show.

7. Come up with a catch phrase. I don’t know, something hot.

8. Hire the best team possible to turn any and every public scandal into some money-making, celebrity-building opportunity.

9. Exploit an already celebrity-obsessed, distraction-promoting news media by getting them to follow your every move as if you do anything that’s remotely news worthy.

10. Get people to actually credit you as some sort of genius for doing all of this when the reality is, when you’re ultra-thin, blond, and rich, it doesn’t take much to get famous as we live in a society that worships people like you.

Hell, the more I type, the more I’m starting to agree with Zanker. Who else is going to watch her on Larry King tomorrow?