If a man posted that he, for the first time ever with a T, or anyone else, admitted that he was quite sexually active- as in really busy- with any random number of people- as in really really active- would you say that that man made a tremendous step forward in this acknowledgement and recovery or would you consider this man to be less than you because of this new knowledge of his behavior.

Would you listen if this man said he was so very tired of losing little pieces of his very soul with each encounter. That if he said when questioned why, that it was at least a 50% power experience in that this man had the ability to say no or to say yes or to say leave or to say stay. That the power came in the use of his looks and his physical size and his demeanor to be utilized whenever he wished. And never, he wishes to be made known, never with aggression and ALWAYS age appropriate.

And if that man acknowledged all this, as truly something used and or done in only recent years, would you still accept this man as one of your own. Or would you reject this man as someone of scorn and ridicule.

I can tell you that this man came from a cultural background that makes the frank discussion of s e x something that never occurs. Ever. And this man is taking a big psychological risk in wanting to share this info. The info of sharing the info with the T was tremendous in and of itself. The sharing with the members of this group is just as tremendous. This man is hoping it is the first step in reclaiming the dignity of his body since his most recent attack.

I will see to it that your comments will be read and shared with this man, because I am trying diligently to continue to let him know that he is my friend, my confident.

(And yes, I have tremendous ability in dissociation and non-emotional discourse. This is just an example, but it is truthful. And I know this is the safest place on earth for a male survivor of rape, but I am afraid, even in cyber, of being rejected. Ridiculous, I know, but real. I want me back. thats what I am working on... I want me.)

I would tell that man something someone told me today. The truth is the truth is the truth. Be done with lies. And i would also tell that man that the only person who would even think of rejecting him would be him.

Let him know for me.

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It's okay to find the faith to saunter forwardWith no fear of shadows spreading where you standAnd you'll breathe easier just knowingthat the worst is all behind youAnd the waves that tossed the raft all night have set you on dry land- The Mountain Goats - "Never Quite Free"

Lots of sex with lots of partners, with one of the primary impulses being to know that one can make the choice to initiate, continue, and conclude sex on one's own terms and schedule. Getting it "right" - repeatedly.

I wouldn't think any less of a person with that in their history. It's normal by survivor standards (and if pursued also with an eye to enjoyment, leaving all parties feeling better about themselves afterwards instead of worse, it's pretty normal period).

I would tell This Man that he is no better or worse than anyone else here - that he is human, that he is a sexual being who has dealt with being a sex crime victim and that has sexual repercussions - the ripples which echo over decades.

I would tell This Man that each of us is a vast universe of self with infinite depth, yet so few of us allow ourselves to explore the outer reaches of our own souls, preferring the safety of defined familiar neighborhoods, living paint-by-number lives and never truly knowing ourselves. So that makes This Man a true adventurer of the soul. I would ask, is there any fuller way to live a life than that?

I would tell This Man that his exercise of experiencing this as 50% to simply to exercise the power of choice is something I share. Young Eirik fresh out of his abuse cycle often went to bed with others and said "no" right at the moment things were getting heavy, leaving a trail of very frustrated men, only to realize in therapy that he was just exercising his power to say "no" - something he never had as a child.

I would tell This Man that while I think and hope I am still far from the moment of my own death, I suspect that my biggest regret on that last day would not be the stupid things I did, but the things I did not do for fear of being stupid.

I would tell This Man to look carefully at what he describes as his "big psychological risk," because it is essentially and simply just being human.

I would tell you to tell all this to This Man, to hold him, trust him, never doubt his integrity, and keep him always close to your heart. Please tell him that.

If a man posted that he, for the first time ever with a T, or anyone else, admitted that he was quite sexually active- as in really busy- with any random number of people- as in really really active- would you say that that man made a tremendous step forward in this acknowledgement and recovery or would you consider this man to be less than you because of this new knowledge of his behavior.

I would tell This Man that his use of multiple sexual partners as a means of feeling a sense of control and normalcy where he once had none made sense for him as a survivor. I would tell him that while his means of coping with a sexually traumatic past was more or less the polar opposite of mine, that his behaviors were as normal for him as mine are for me, even though neither may be considered normal by most people. So what? "Normal" is just SO fucking easy for most people, isn't it? Normal is not easy for us. Sounds like what you are talking about is normal for This Man and for him to acknowledge it is definitely a step forward.

I only wonder why This Man feels like he looses a little piece of his soul with each encounter. Is it the sexual partner that takes it away? Is triggering memories of This Man's past that sneak in as an unwelcome bedfellow and steal away what little pieces of soul they can steal when This Man's guard is down? Is it shame that takes away those little pieces of soul? Shame that This Man should not feel for a consenting act with another adult, with no person or persons being harmed in the process? If so, who put that shame there? Where does that shame come from? I only hope that This Man, who ever he may be, can release that shame, because it should not be his. Take care. Peace,

We usually judge ourselves more harshly than anyone else. If there were an instance where someone would be judgmental of you, I'd say that would be a reflection of their lack of humanity and character. Anyone who can't see the brave steps you're taking and can't walk with you in support, would be unworthy of the journey anyway, so you wouldn't want them along.

Congratulations on the healing work that you've been doing and the progress you've made. It's hard work but the rewards are worth the effort, your confidence will continue to grow the more you succeed and the more you live through your heart, the more you will find you...

Best of luck with it all, ThisMan,

Gary / 1.healing

Edited by 1.healing (07/27/1302:39 AM)Edit Reason: grammer

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"It's never too late to be what you might have been."

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"Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself... And that no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dreams, because every second of the search is a second's encounter with God and with eternity." - Paulo Coelho

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