Ancient Tales of a Kingdom not Unlike One You Know

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Brethren, it was a time of cosmic unchills, back to back to back. The pestilences of petrolatic famine (which flew by day) and the murderous Yetis of Gawd (which flew by night) did not abate. Still, Gambrach said nothing. Lo, the people groaned in their homes, in the fields and in the temples and in the synagogues.

And when the keepers of the temples and synagogues heard the groaning, they tried to unlook and unhear it as they had for several quadrannia. But this was no ordinary groaning – it was groaning that had doh re me fa soh la ti do embedded in it. Behold, the spirit of pulpito incandescenta descended on the keepers of the temples and synagogues, causing them to cry in unison, “Procure ye thy cards of enfrachisement, for electoralis is at hand! Gambrach the Vanished hath become Gambrach the Deaf and Gambrach the Blind!” Yea, were they joined by the High Priest of the Illuminati, Farhni Kay.

The Deliverance Squad Squadron, in the tension of their unlooking of the Yetis of Gawd, heard the temple keepers and found their proclamation repugnant to the gambrachene spirit of which the squadron was possessed. And so they delivered Farhni Kay and some temple keepers to the squadron dungeons for a time. And Farhni Kay regaled them with the many legends of the unseen hand of the illuminati. The squadron could only take it for so long and they quickly released the men that they had delivered.

Gar Bar and FemCallamitus came unto Gambrach to tell him that the unchill in the land was overflowing its banks and he needed to do something. Gambrach agreed. Wherefore he summoned the leaders of the Apicureans to a banquet at Bedrock. Yea, it was tagged of hash as #BedBanq. Behold, Gambrach said unto them, “I welcome ye all to this banquet feast which we have tagged of hash ‘BedBanq’. I summoned ye hither to give thee a charge, nay, a great commission. After ye have eaten of the fat of my kitchen, go ye then unto the ends of the Kingdom to tell the people that I have heard their gaddem whining. Wheeeeen-wheeeen-wheeeen, like babies. I have heard and tis enough! For I am never ever in a hurry to accomplish aught. Why? Just look at the piss poor cabinet it took me 6 moons to select! Had I been in a hurry, would they not have been even more dismal? So, sing after me… Pacito, pacito…”

Behold, the people heard it but the unchill was already of cosmic proportions. It couldn’t get any worse.

Then, it was told unto the Twilistians by the Kalahari Newsbearers that Bar Kar, Gambrach’s chief lawman (who had by now convinced everyone that the N was silent), had approached the magistrates for an injunctio dawonduro against the senatii. “My Lords,” he prayed the magistrates, “give me a dawonduro against senatii, for they probe my facilitation of the return of Oje Marina.”

“Can senatii not investigate malfeasance by the King’s men?” asked the magistrates.

“Not when it will implicate them, gaddemmit!!!” replied Bar Kar.

Behold, before the magistrates could give their verdict, Bar Kar was summoned back to Bedrock with urgency, by Kyocera. Lady Yeesha, the King’s wife, was sending word into Twilistia and Social Mediana. Lo, the word she was sending were the re-sent words of senateen Bruce Sensey Lee and his brethren, condemning Gambrach’s seemingly tacit endorsement of the Yetis of Gawd.

The people could not believe their eyes and ears! Could the King’s wife be amplifying words raised against her King? But before the people could say ‘my yeti allure’, her daughter, Asos, also sent a parable into Social Mediana, of an impending day of doom!

But Gambrach’s unlooking game was strong. And it was in that day that he announced that King Roe Chazz of Imolek, who had made Imolek famous for his massive erections, wouldst be his electoralis coordinator in the Easterosi kingdoms. Roe Chazz licked his lips and grabbed his crotch at the news. His finest work was still ahead of him.

And as the people muttered and the unchill rumbled on, suddenly a loud trumpet sound rent the air. Many thought it was the moment they would be caught up in the sky – they were ready to go, to be honest, for the unchill in the kingdom was indeed severe – but it was not yet that time. No. The trumpets were blown from the royal courts of King Shegolas of Owurutas, who preceded Mah Roo and Gejoshaphat on the throne. Like Gambrach, Shegolas had also reigned previously in quadrannia long ago, as a Man of Gunn (the chronology of the kings of the kingdom is recorded here). Unlike Gambrach who could not produce his scroll de minimis however, Shegolas was devoted to learning and had just been awarded a Pimping Happening Daddy scroll. Behold, it was turnt.

Yea, the trumpet blew for King Shegolas was about to make an important declaration. Nay, it was an epistle, enscrolled in a scroll. Lo, it was unscrolled and read to the people. And maaaaaiiiiiigheeeeeeeurdddddd, there was no gaddem chill in the stratos. It read –

“Thou unlookest the works of the Yetis of Gawd, looking for lands to reward them with. Thou sayest thou fighteth corruption, yet your guy eateth Kwarapta Intrusivo and walketh free.

“And I defended thee at electoralis when thy enemies claimed that the spirit of Nepotismo dwelt strongly within thee. Yet thou puttest all the swords and arrows and spears of the kingdom under the charge of thy kinsmen. In the words of the ancient prophet Lateefus Kayodensis, “WHAT KIND OF JOB YOU DOING???”

“My guy, just quit. Move on. Go home and milk some cows, mehn. If thou lovest the kingdom, thou wilt not contend electoralis. We cannot afford to have a King that liveth in the palace of Madam Two Swords anymore. Selah.”

Of course, there was no gaddem chill in the land.

Now, Gambrach’s unlooking game was the best in the world but even he could not unlook the epistle of Shegolas. Immediately, he summoned Shiwajun and Candy B, SouthWesterosi gentry and Apicureans of stature.

“Shiwajun, I need you to unleash the Wahala Morghulis on Shegolas. Right away. This one, I am in a hurry to do. Wahala Morghulis now!”

And thus it was in the land that the Tides of Yule ebbed and a glorious new year was born. The famine petrolatum persisted as, between the Three Wise Men of Petrolatum – Gambrach who was his own counsellor for petrolatum, E-Dawg who was the sub-counsellor & Baruch who led the King’s Drillmen, as well as the aforetold puppyfication of E-Dawg – none could tell why it remained scarce. Gambrach could not tell anything, to be fair to him, as he spoke to the people with ever reducing frequency.

Yea, it was in the fervency of that moment of unchill that Lady Zek Way came unto the Twilistians and declared, “Behold, as the season of electoralis descendeth upon us like a smog of depravity, let the houses of Padipalia and Apicuria take heed that today, I brandish a red plank of eviction. For their Kings and Counsellors have failed us and the time for a new reign must be at hand. Lo, the dawn of the age of the Third Force!”

“But thou wert counsellor to a Padipalian king,” the Bullshit MaChinery arm of the Lovengers responded. “Do you simply rage because Gambrach giveth thee not face?”

Wherefore she chuckled and said unto them in intermittent caplocks,”I have NEITHER need for face FROM Gambrach, nor the APPROVAL of thE LEAGUE of SCOFfers with which HE surrounds HIMSELF. But yea, SHALL I RAISE a league of red PLANKERS who will stand FOR a thiRD foRCE of CREDIBILITY!”

“But Gambrach is a good king!” the Lovengers protested, “Where is thy counterfactual evidence???”

But before Lady Zek Way could respond, the air was filled with cries of despair from the Palace of King of Autumn of Ben-Way. The Benwegians were a peaceful people, blessed by the gods with the most fertile earth in the 37 kingdoms. But from the lands further north came a league of fearsome pastoral herdsmen who led their flocks wherever they gaddem felt like. For them, nothing was more sacred than the hunger of their flock. Wherever the owners of farmlands resisted them, these herdsman came back with such fire and fury the likes of which the farmers had never seen. Like Gambrach and El-Farquaad, these herdsmen were Fulannisters, and ye know the saying of El-Farquaad that “Fulannisters always collect their debts.” Lo, these herdsmen were of a wider union gang, who called themselves the Yetis of Gawd.

The Fulannister Pastoralists struck the Benwegians most mightily, killing several and then 3 score and a baker’s dozen.

King Autumn wept.

All the way to Bedrock, King Autumn wept, for like the people of the 37 kingdoms, he needed to hear Gambrach’s words of consolation. The people also thought there would be another sighting of the Waltzing Python of the King’s Armies for Car Knoo and his Ipobusinians had done far less before the armies swooped in and baptised him in the ocean of disappearance. But Gambrach said naught and there was great unchill in the land.

“Wawu!!!!” cried the people, “Gambrach saith nothing. Behold, he condemneth not the Yetis of Gawd. Is it because, like him, they are also Fulannisters?”

Wherefore FemCallamitus, in eager subservience, rushed into Twilistia protesting, “No, no, no. How canst ye say these despicable things against Gambrach the most noble, of the softest side? Know ye not that the Yetis slew 45,678,900 and three quarters under the reign of Gejoshaphat? Only 45,678, 552 have been slain under Gambrach, shewing that the Yetis are far less deadly under the reign of a fellow Fulannister.”

And the rumble of unchill grew, for the people could not fathom how nothing was unfathomable for FemCallamitus. But there was more unchill to come, for the Head Yeti had sent word into Twilistia. “Tis true that we slew the Benwegians. They were slain because after we passed through their kingdom, we saw that our livestock had reduced in number. It was a debt that was owed to us and ye knowest the ancient saying – a Fulannister always collects his debts.”

And a mist of fiery and furious unchill descended upon the land. There was no gaddem chill in the land.

There was also sadness in a corner of Twilistia, for Van Chee, a friend and brother to many and a dedicated student of the scrolls of the chronicles had crossed the Great Divide. He was greatly loved.

Brethren and Sisthren, the Chronicler had retreated from Twilistia to commune with the Tword and cross over into the new year in deep meditation. Lo, in the quiet place, the Chronicler enquired of the Tword, “When will the land of Gambrach and Gejoshaphat see chill? When will the Chronicles end? How much gaddem unchill can a kingdom withstand?”

Yea, from the void, came the tword of the Tword. Behold, they were ancient words once spoken by the glorious bard of global renown, Mikhail Jaksonovic and yet again they rang true –

Darkness falleth across the land

Electoralis is close at hand

Politicals crawl in search of posts

To terrorise the common good

For whosoever shall be found

Without the funds for getting down

Shall face the hounds of Outcast Hell

And rot inside a poverty cell.

“What meanest thou by these words?” the Chronicler enquired, but Tword would not say. All that was revealed was the word to “Go ye back into Twillistia, for something is afoot.”

“Right now?” asked the Chronicler.

“Sha-Mawnne!” the Tword replied.

Thus did the Chronicler peer into Twilistia and Social Mediana, and maigheeeeeeurd, what a sight!

*****

On the eve of the annum nueva, Mooz Ta Fari the new chief scribe to Gambrach, who had succeeded Balavida, approached the King in his chambers to bring a matter of grave importance to the King’s attention. “Sire, before the hour striketh ushering in the annum nueva, there remaineth the matter of His Majesty’s appointments to the Chocolate Tea Pot Councils. It has been nearly 3 years of our Chocolate Tea Pot Councils having no handles.”

“What? No chocolate tea pot handles all this time???” asked the King in disbelief, looking towards Kyocera, the Head of the King’s Staff at Bedrock. “Didn’t Balavida manage to sort it out before he encountered the kwarapta intrusivo weeds?”

“Majesty, indeed he did, but thou wast in glorious convalescence at the time and he, we, knew not how to make the appointments in thine absence.”

The King asked to see the list of nominees but was thoroughly unimpressed by what he saw. “Are these the best the kings have to offer the people? You know the people remain much pissed off by the persistence of the famine petrolatum. These names must not be the flame to their fuel.”

“Great king, these are the Apicurean gentry – lords and their serfs who stood with us in the battles of the past. Majesty, if I may, these councils are called chocolate tea pot councils for a reason…” replied Kyocera.

“Well, this is not good enough for me. I want ye to comb the Kingdom thoroughly for the best of the best of the Apicurean gentry. And I mean, everywhere! High and low, far and wide. The people deserve nothing but the best – chocolate tea pot or not. Leave no stone unturned! Heck, leave no tombstone unturned even! ”

The King’s men all looked at each other in confusion and the Gambrach saw their hesitation. “You know what? Fetch me FemCallami…”

“My King! My great, glorious, fragrant King! I am here! I am never far from thee! Behold, I was standing at the door waiting for your summons. Leave it all to me, thy most loyal FemCallamitus. I will find the finest, most eminently qualified names in the land for thee! As thou hast said O King, my motto shall be ‘No stone unturned, No tombstone unturned!'”

*******

The foulest stench is in the air

The funk of 57 years

And goony ghouls from every tomb

Are closing in to seal the doom

And though the teapot’s not alive

Its body starts to shiver

For no mere mortal can resist

The evil of … the thriller…

Mikhail Jaksonovic

******

FemCallamitus thought long and hard about the task with which he had been entrusted. If he was going to leave no tombstone unturned in his quest, he knew he would need the help of one man. Trouble was, the man was a Padipalian (it was complicated, as he had also been an Apicurian) and now a sworn enemy of Gambrach – could he be convinced to come to Gambrach’s aid?

No stone unturned, no tombstone unturned, muttered FemCallamitus under his breath, as he waited for the servants to summon their lord.

“Espirit de corps,” said FemCallamitus, “thou hast also been a King’s Quill, oh great Farhni Kay – thou knowest the burden we bear and more importantly, for my mission, thou knowest things mere men do not.”

“Well, indeed, I do,” said Farhni Kay, his ego having been somewhat stroked, “what demandest thou of me? For thou knowest I canst never side again with thy King.”

“Side with me, then, Comrade. I ask for the help for myself, for I need to visit the Great Beyond.”

“If thou wanted to die, even a corporal in the King’s Army could have put a sword to your heart…”

“Visit, dear friend, not a permanent journey, for tis not yet my time. I need to visit and return.”

“Now, look, dear boy, I am many things, but soothsayer is not one of them, so I’m not quite sure what…”

“…take me to the Illuminati!” FemCallamitus finally spat out. “Thou art the most versed in the ways of the Illuminati. Thou seest their unseen hand where no other man in the Kingdom dost. Thine eyes are not mere ojunus lassan – lo, thou seest with illuminatic eye beyond ephemerality. Only the Illuminati can facilitate the interviews I need to conduct to complete my quest. Help me, Farhni Kay, help me!”

Farhni Kay was quiet, for what seemed like an eternity. “Very well, then. But I must warn thee – there are rules and consequences…”

“I will do what must be done! For this is my mantra – no stone unturned, no tombstone unturned!”

*****

It was the day of the presentation of the members and handles of the chocolate tea pot councils. They would all gather in the square, to be shown to the people as appointed of the King.

There was yet unchill from the petrolatum affair, but the people were curious to see what appointments that took half a quadrannium to make looked like.

One by one, the appointed members and handles came forward to receive their scrolls of appointment from Gar Bar, who presided over the ceremony. Handing the scrolls to Gar Bar, smiling and looking very pleased with himself was FemCallamitus. The ceremony was proceeding nicely.

But lo, just as Gar Bar was about to compliment FemCallamitus on his good work, the lights suddenly dimmed and a dark, putrid stench filled all of Twilistia and in a flash, before the people stood 10…well…the Chronicler must confess that he knoweth what to call the beings that stood there. They were not of the living but they were certainly not quite of the dead. “Give us our scrolls,” they demanded.

“These are the ten special, most eminently qualified appointees of which I spake to thee,” announced FemCallamitus proudly. “I vetted and fetched them myself. They will be the best chocolate tea pot handles ever!”

“YOU DID WHAAAAAAT?” screamed Gar Bar.

“YOU DID WHAAAAAAAAAAT?” screamed the Social Medianites and the People of Twilistia.

“YOU DID WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?” screamed Kyocera from his perch in Castle Bedrock.

“FFS!” screamed Gambrach. “WTF??? GTFOH!!!”

Needless to say, brethren, this time with even Bedrock inclusive, there was not a speck, nary an atom, not even a molecule of gaddem chill in the entire gaddem kingdom!

Thus did Electoralis minora take place in the Kingdom of Nambria. And yea, did Working Willie Wonka not only shew that he worketh, he was also a winner. He was thereafter known as Wonderful Winningly Working Willie Wonka. His opponents, Wonye West, Doka Cola and Bazil Oka, were all very magnanimous in their concession to Working Willie, for they had no choice. Behold, it was a sliding of lands victory, as House Apganistani reigned supreme in Nambria. And yea, did the people of Imolek look ruefully towards their neighbours in Nambria, for while they had only the erections of Roe Chazz to boast off, the Nambrarians had a Working Willie!

Lo, it was in that day, in the southern Freekah’n kingdom of Bobbiesia, that the long, long, long, long reign of old, old, old, old King Moo Garbage came to an end. In the early days of Bobbiesia, it was a supple and succulent land, flowing with milk bursting forth from the fertile areolae of the soil. This was at the time Moo Garbage led the revolution against the occupying Jandinian forces and prevailed, leading the people to crown him King.

But King Moo Garbage tasted and saw how sweet it was to drink from the goblet of the royal palaces. Like other Freekah’n kings, his hunger and thirst for power led him to ignore law of the quadrannium and remain in power at his leisure. But age catcheth up with tyrant and benevolent alike and King Moo Garbage suddenly saw that he was now four score and a baker’s dozen in age.

And King Moo Garbage purposed in his heart to give the keys of the kingdom to his wife, whose name was Ellie Gance, as an act of dynastic consummation of their love. “Ellie, my love, tis only thou I desire to leave the Kingdom. You will be Empress of Bobbesia and thy grace will be full.”

Yea, did Moo Garbage dismiss his hand, Ser MijinKagawa, who promptly fled the Kingdom and went into exile. But the Men of the Bobbiesian Gestappo and Armies were sorely displeased, for MijinKagawa was their guy. And lo, they rose like a swarm onto the streets of Bobbiesia, gently squeezing the people off the streets and the boldness out of Moo Garbage. “Ye must set forth at dawn!” they told the King.

“Are ye come to me in mutinous spirits?” asked King Garbage.

“Nay, oh King Moo. This is not a mutiny.”

“Then I command ye to return to thy quarters,” replied the King.

“Hahahahahahahaha! Thy humour has not gone the way of thy senses,” the army replied. “Seeest thou not, oh King, our great and shiny weapons pointed at thee?”

“Then, tis a mutiny. Ye are mutineers!” declared the King.

“Dwell not on the semantics of the occasion, Moo Garbage. Focus thou only on its conclusion – ye shall rule us no more.”

“Ye forget that I once came in like a wrecking ball,” said the King.

“Well, ye shall wreck us no more!”

And thus it was the reign of King Moo Garbage came to an end, and the streets of the Bobbiesian capital, Her Wire-ay, were filled with jubilation. MijinKagawa was declared King in Moo Garbage’s stead, and his very first words were, “Not believe own eye of MijinKagawa. King, biyotches!!!”

Meanwhile, in the Kingdom of Gambrach, the kingdom of the chronicles, electoralis federalis was again at hand. One by one, the lords of House Apicuria declared a very much alloyed support for Gambrach’s contest for a second quadrannium. At the head of these declarations was Shiwajun, who was heard to say that Gambrach ought not assume that he would automatically be the choice of the Apicurians for electoralis. “Ye all know King Gambrach. He is a good and kind and benevolent King. He surely would never impose himself on us Apicurians, would he?”

Lo, news then came to the Twilistines, that Atikarias had deserted House Apicuriam and returned to House Padipalia, in the biggest open secret since the invention of the oxymoron. It shook him not that even after shredding the Pentiumz parchment, the kingdom’s sherriffs had revoked the papiers durosibi of some of the foreign workmen at Pentiumz, forcing them to return to their homes. Atikarias was going to seek to contend at Electoralis for House Padipalia, for the nine hundredth and sixty-seventh time. For yea it was said, that nine hundred and sixty eight is a charm.

And behold, there was a rustling of unchill, for many in Twilistia and Social Mediana were not soft of heart towards Atikarias.

Yea, did further news come to the people, from senatii, that the Everly Failing at Convictions Commission , in celebration of the feast of the Virgin Birth, had taken amongst themselves the two hundred buildings they confiscated from Oje Marina on behalf of the Kingdom. Lo, they denied it.

And yea, did the rustle of unchill become a rumbling of unchill because, gaddem! Two hundred???

Lo, the final straw was the denial of Bar Kar, Gambrach’s head Lawman (the N is silent), that he wrote the parchment ushering Oje Marina back into the King’s service. This followed his prior admission that he had voyaged to visit Oje Marina in exile in Doo Bahee. “Which is worse to admit, dude?” the people asked him. “Thou already admitest breaking bad with Oje Marina – what then is a mere parchment?”

And there was no gaddem chill in the kingdom but Gambrach was unaware of anything.

Yea, then came news from the oceans that 2 dozen maidens had perished, fleeing from the kingdom. Behold was there no word from Bedrock for 3 days and 4 nights. For Gambrach was oblivious to all. And the Twilistines asked Lady Bee Ree, Gambrach’s scribe for matters of those who had seen the light and fled the kingdom, “Oh, Bee Ree and ye scribes and councillors of Gambrach, see ye not how thy damsels perish?” Wherefore Bee Ree asked of them, “Huh?”

The people of Great Iron Bank of Brettonwoodsiana heard the words of Lady Kem Shun and the words filled them with alarm. “On the borrowments, thou needest to cool down a little”, they told her, to which Kem Shun replied, “Man’s not hot, though!”

In the faraway Kingdom of Kossisee, the people were under the reign of King Jay-Kurrb. Unlike Kings Mandillas and Beckie who ruled before him, King Jay-Kurb was not much loved of his people. He believed in the mystical power of his bathtub to save him from post-coital leprosy, for it was made by famous tub carver Naman Jordan. And yea, was Jay-Kurrb also highly pilferous, and lo did he have 40 score charges of corruption pending against him with the magistrates – the first King of Kossisee to be so accused. But Jay-Kurrb was to find redemption in the Imolekkite kingdom of Ro Chazz.

Like Jay-Kurrb, Ro Chazz also found it hard to win the love of his people. He boasted of spoiling them with the best of the best of infrastuctural delights, but yea were there none to be seen. And when King Ro Chazz heard of the difficulties of King Jay-Kurrb, he decided to summon him over to Imolek for a day of feasting and debauchery. Jay-Kurrb voyaged to Imolek and yea, like the ancient prophet Ferris Beuller, he had a hell of a day off.

Lo, did they party and feast and Jay-Kurrb was conferred with the highest prefecture of the Imolekkites. And behold, at the end of the day, just before he departed for Kossissee, Ro Chazz called him aside.

“Jay-Kurrb!”, Ro Chazz called.

“Barrddest!”, came the reply.

“Jay-Kurrb!!!”

“Barrdesst!!!”

“Jay-Kurrb, I have a huge erection for you. Come outside let me show you.”

“They can shovituptheirezz. I am proud of my big, shiny erection for thee!”

And of course, there was no chill in the Kingdom. Behold, even in Kossissee, there was an eruption of mirthful unchill, for they could not fathom it. “Keep Jay-Kurrb and let us have the gold statue in his place, for this wouldest be of greater use to us.”

Gambrach could see the mercury of the Unchillometer pushing through to new highs and knew that something had to be done. “Come hither, my council. It seemeth that we lose the love and chill of the people. How canst we turn za tide?”

“Oh Gambrach most gracious and fragrantly divine” said FemCallamitus, “Let me tell thy people of my love for thee yet again. I am sure it will turn their hearts.”

“Sire, a lot of the unchill cometh from South Easteros,” said Osinoshin. “Shall we dazzle them with your Easterophilia?”

“Aha! Good idea!”

“Wilst thou go into South Easteros to shew them thy love? Remember, electoralis is at hand in Nambria.”

“I? South Easteros? Never, wallahi! I shall send thee in my place. Behold, I depart for Constantinople even. Peace out.” And he ascended into the winged chariot with Lady Yeeshah, who had just emerged from the other room.

And so Osinoshin sighed and set out for Nambria. As he departed Bedrock, Gar Bar and FemCallamitus sent pigeons across the 37 kingdoms to let the people know that 40 years after the Frabanian rebellion, the lovely and magnanimous Gambrach had decided to approve the payment of gratuity to the Frabanian Legion, “…for he loveth thee!”

And when Osinoshin reached Nambria, he also announced to the people that Gambrach had physically trekked across the seven hills and swum the seven lagoons to reach the Iron Bank, to secure 2 gatrillion trumpetistani shekels to build a second bridge over troubled waters, so they could lay themselves down, “…for he loveth thee!”

But Osinoshin’s squire, unaware of the love-showing plan, sent a corrigendum out into the Kingdom. It was not trumpetistani shekels – it was the coin of the Kingdom. Yea, did the people hear it and lo, was there nary a gaddem speculum of chill in the land.

There was a gnashing of teeth in the land as the spirit of Har Thy Known ravaged the Kingdom.

The people grew weary of the absence of their King and encamped around Bedrock to demand news of his ailment and what the meisters had said was the affliction.

The Beacons of Lie[t] in Bedrock sought to illuminate the minds of the people. “Have ye already forgotten the bootyliciousness of Daisy Annie?” they asked. “Are ye not bothered at the gajillions of shekels which we have shown ye somewhat that she stuffed into her booty?”

“Nay!” the people answered. “Give us news of what ails our king and when he returneth in his glorious and majestic swaggerliciousness. Pretend King Osinoshin is great guy but the kingdom drifteth further and further into pretence.”

So the Beacons sent one of their number unto the people, to speak with Thankful Peacock of the Char Knells. Her name was Gyretta, for she had a fondness for the white sap of gyration from the tree of the palm.

And Thankful Peacock asked her, “Dost thou not think the time has come for ye Beacons of Lie[t] to reveal the truth about King Gambrach’s health?”

And Gyretta replied, “Verily, we say unto thee with utmost veracity, the King recovereth everyday and as ye are witnesses, the Pretend King holdeth the fort.”

“What recoverest he from, though?” asked Thankful Peacock.

“A private ailment, gaddemit! The King is private guy in a public office, undergoing a private convalescence in publicly funded quarters, eating private food provided with public money, receiving private treatment from the Jandinian meisters at the public’s expense. It’s private, gaddemit, don’t you get it? Ye would do well to refrain from insulting him further with this quest for transparency.”

Yea, did Gambrach hear of her exploits all the way in Jandinia and commanded, “Let Gyretta come unto me, for she has done much heavy labour. She deserveth some rest. Let FemCallamitus come as well, for though he writeth gibberish, I know he doeth it for the love of the game.”

Behold, thus it was that the Beacons of Lie[t], namely, Lar-Yi, Gar Bar, FemCallamitus, Gyretta (the scribes of Gambrach) and Bee Ree (Gambrach’s Adviser on Those Who Had Seen The Light and Escaped the Kingdom) all got on a ship and sailed to Jandinia.

On arriving at the Jandinian Docks, they ran into many of the kings from the 36 kingdoms, who had also come to see the King.

“How is my beloved King, most Davidic, Solomonic and merciful?” asked FemCallamitus. It was King Ro Chazz of Imolek that answered, “Yea, our King is bam! And behold, his pet dog – SenseofHumour – is now so frisky, he has put it on a leash. Ye can scratch SenseofHumour behind its ears or tummy. Such a mischievous puppy, it filleth the room with laughter.”

“Oh, how I have missed SenseofHumour in Bedrock!” exclaimed Gar Bar.

“A word of caution though”, said King Jimobite of Oyossinia. “Ye must now pay an admission fee to gain an audience with King Gambrach.”

“Why?” asked Bee Ree

“Have ye not heard? His audiences are now managed by the famous Madam Two Swords establishment.”

“Our King is so brilliant. He earneth coin for the Kingdom even in his convalescence.” said FemCallamitus.

And so the Beacons paid the entrance fee to Madam Two Swords to see King Gambrach. Gambrach greeted them with a dazzling smile. While they had expected to see him wearing his brown robes of convalescence, they were overcome with joy seeing him in a holy white, majestic tunic. Lar-Yi was so overcome with joy that the spasms racked his body and he doubled over in rapturous pain.

“Outer Bah Your” said Gambrach, and Moborius emerged, clad in the Spartan Belts of Leonidas, and he quickly painted the portrait of the King and the Beacons.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, SenseofHumour jumped on Lar-Yi, licking his face as he wagged his tail in earnest canine playfulness. The whole room burst into laughter. “Ah, SenseofHumour” chuckled Lar-Yi, “I thought they said you’d been put on a leash now.”

Yea, did another puppy run into the room, this time rubbing itself against Bee Ree’s legs and rolling over on its back, indicating it wanted to be tickled.

“Your Majesty has a new dog?” asked Gar Bar.

“Yes. When the meisters commanded me to remain here until they released me, they realised that SenseofHumour, who had been doing so well, was going to be lonely. So they gave me another dog to keep him company.”

“What is this new dog called?” asked Gyretta.

“His name is Banters” replied the King.

And yea, did they revel in the presence of their lord. And when they emerged from his presence, filled anew with vigour and love, and the people asked news of the King, Lar Yi responded, “It pleaseth me to tell ye that the King is hearty. Behold his SenseofHumour and Banters were thoroughly on point.”

“ALL WELL AND GOOD, BUT WHEN COMETH HE BACK? WILL HE NOT EVEN SEND WORD TO US?”

And the Beacons of Lie[t] looked at each other and in unison, closed their eyes, stuck their fingers in their ears and said the magic words “Ne ne ne ne ne ne ne ne.”

Brethren, there continued to be unchill in the land. And across the Kingdoms, the people dared the gods, unmindful of the plagues of Gitis and flood with which they had struck the kingdoms of Gideria and Zamfarawayland for excessive illicit coitus. Yea, did they continue in their unbridled debauchery, breaking fornicatomatic records, pushing the needle of the fornicatometer to levels unseen since records began. And yea, did the gods unleash even an even greater deluge of floods upon the kingdoms. Behold, these floods were more dire than many had seen, submerging chariots. And the gods of subterranea were also vexed and regurgitated all the filth they had hidden and wawu, it was a fecund mess in the streets.

And the people cried, “Where is our King, that he might make intercessions and supplication unto the gods on our behalf? Oh, what a most useless and ineffectual king is Gambrach the Vanished!”

Their cries went unto Bedrock, into the chambers of the scribe FemCallamitus, who had been silent for many moons (having no gaddem king to or royal activities to record in the scrolls) and was green with envy at the acclaim that Dr Who, who was not even a courtesan, had received with his song in the Book of Face. Yea, had Dr Who received a commendation from Lady Yeeshah, as she joined her alto to Dr Who’s soprano.

“I have been silent for too gaddem long,” thought FemCallamitus to himself. “I am one of the top scribes of Gambrach my Lord and tis I who should write his canticles. When my King unvanishes, my song shalt be number one on the Gambrachian Griotic Charts. Yea, shall it be platinum.” And then he wrote, like a Kenneth Rojas.

Everyone considers him the worst King of the kingdom

He never stood a single time to prove the kingdom wrong

His Momma named him Gambrach but folks just called him Vanished

Something inside tells me, they’re reading Gambrach wrong

He’s weak like once King David was and spat on by Shimei

Shimei looked at David and concluded that he was dead

But like the sword of Abishai was given word by Sully

When my Gambrach cometh back, he’s going to chop your head.

Gambrach my King, you remain the only one to save us all from trouble in the land; And even though you’re weak please don’t turn the other cheek, Oh Gambrach you are old but understand, you’ve gotta chop off heads when you’re a man.

And the people heard the song of FemCallamitus and laughed hard at his nincompoopery. Poopy Poopery.

And yea, in the midst of their mirth, news came to the people from Trumpstantinople of the booty of Daisy-Annie. You see, before Daisy-Annie became Gejoshaphat’s councillor for petrolatum, her booty was of a modest size. She had worked for Mollusca and her booty was nicely and judiciously oiled at the time. Lo, everything was nice and squeezy clean.

Alas, she met two men, whose actions contaminated the booty of Daisy-Annie. Their names were Luko Skywalker and Ko-Ray the Jedi. They promised Daisy-Annie a bigger and shinier booty if she used her powers as councillor to ensure they got the largest petrolatum harvesting fields of the kingdom’s petrolatum for their ventures.

Behold, she acquiesced to their request and maigheeeurd, did they inflate her booty. Not only did they fill her chest, they ensured she had the finest of castles and palaces.

However, the men were wreckless and spent like sailors. Alarmed, Daisy-Annie said to Luko Skywalker, “Spend not with such unchill. Why buyest thou a ship when thou canst hire it for only a short while?”

But Ko-Ray used his Jedi mind tricks on her. And she ceased in her admonitions. And yea, was her booty fattened even more such that her bootyliciousness breached the legal limit in Trumpstantinople.

“How much is this booty?” the people asked with great concern.

“It is a great and tremendous number.” said the Trumpetistani constables.

“How great and tremendous?” they pressed, “for we are wary of fake news from way down yonder.”

“Be assured the news is genuine and non-spicered. And ensure that ye are seated to hear the number, for it is several hundred millions of Trumpetistani shekels.”

“SEVERAL HUNDRED MILLION WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?”

The apostles heard of it. And there was not a gaddem speculum of chill in the entire kingdom!

Spoiler alert: if you haven’t seen Game of Thrones Season 7, Episode 1, stop right here
Game of Thrones returned on Monday morning (Sunday for the lucky Americans), and it is everything we were expecting. We said our reluctant bye byes in season 6 after Cersei mass murdered every Sunday School teacher in Westeros, so it was only fair the new season opened with some mass murder. And lawd, they were murdered.
The season opener was perfect, surely left a taste for what is to come. These are my thoughts from the S7 E1.
Cersei has done some redecorating around the throne room. We may not like Cersei, but we can all agree, the place was due some sprucing up. We all love the new Kings Guard uniform.

The Seven Pointed Star has been replaced by a Lannister Simba, and the top King’s Guard uniform screams murder

Arya Stark loves killing people. Remember when she was about to kill Walter Frey, she’s said the last face he’d see is that of a Stark, smiling down at him. Smiling!
Then after murdering the entire Frey clan, guess what was on her face? A smile. And when she talked about killing Cersei? She laughed.
I’m really worried that the young Stark girl may be so far gone, only killing brings her joy. In which case, we’re in a lot of trouble, when she is done killing everyone on her list.

I just murdered a hundred Freys. So sway!

The Meisters of the Citadel really need to stop eating beans. One would think men so wise would learn to eat less laxative foods. Except they’re just eating beans to spite poor old Sam Tarly.

All this shit? For what???

Brienne really needs to move on from her crush on the golden handed Lannister, so she can see the love Tommund has waiting for her. Considering Tommund is heading away to the wall, and likely will die there, she needs to hurry. And hurry fast.

Brienne, ne ma nya

Who doesn’t love Lady Mormont? She’s everything Westeros needs right now, if the war against the Night King is to be won. And when the war is over, they should her bring the head of the Night King. But knowing Lady Mormont, she just might be the one to chop off the icy head of the Night King.

Una too talk! If to say na me born the dragons ehn…!!!

And Cersei again. Often, we are forced to admit Cersei’s brilliance, even though she’s a downright despicable human being. But in this episode, she displays uncharacteristic naïveté in still thinking Tyrion, her brother, murdered Jeoffrey. And her pointless hatred for Sansa Stark beggars belief. It’s this naive, us-against-the-world attitude that convinces that when her end comes, not many will mourn her.

But then, this is GOT, and we’ve seen stories change. Who would have thought The Hound could become a meek, praying, vision seeing, brother of the light?

The clouds of unchill continued to swirl over the Kingdom and behold a heavy thunderstorm of unchill rained down on the house of Dinobetes Mellitus.

Dinobetes had loved Abushola, the warden of senatii but hated the king of his own lesser kingdom, Kogitamia.

King Yaya Bellows of Kogitamia despised not being the beloved of Dinobetes. Yea, he saw Dinobetes grab Abushola and throw him in the air as he had thrown others before and hated that he the king had not been so royally manhandled.

And so he proclaimed, “Wahala Morghulis shall not end, for I shall unleash it on House Mellitus and have the people expel Dinobetes from senatii.”

Lo, did the men of Bellows traverse the kingdom collecting the signatures of the enfranchised. For it was the law of the land that if half their number petitioned the Commisar of Electoralis and affirmed their loss of faith in a member of the senatii at a referendum, the member would #Sexit.

“Maigheeeurd!” exclaimed Dino, as the petition of his constituents reached the Commisar. “What wouldst become of me if I sexit senatii? I must find a Pharisee versed in the law to save me.”

Yea, did he instruct Michaelangelo, a mighty man of the silk to counter-petition the courts on account of the men of Bellows breaking into tombs, placing quills in the decomposed hands of the dead and scrawling signatures on the petition. Necrocalligraphy at its peak.

And lo, it had been a season of fasting and prayer in the land. For 30 days, the people of the Great Prophet had fasted and as the 30 days ended it was time to break the fast with feasting and merriment.

It was the custom in the Kingdom for the King to declare the feast commenced and the people wondered if it would be the Pretend King that would speak to them.

But nay, Gar Bar, co-head scribe to Gambrach with FemCallamitus, announced that he was bringing an audial word from Gambrach.

And yea, the Lovengers were delirious.

And behold, the people gathered with their mats and popcorn all over the Kingdom to hear the voice of their long lost King.

Lo, was it like the time of Mah Roo, when he convalesced in Sah Oud and also sent an audial word unto the people, as Shegolas asked him, “Mah Roo, doth thou yet live & breathe?”

At last the hour of delivery came but yea, half of the people comprehended it not, as Gambrach spoke in the native tongue of the Fullanisters. It was a puzzlement. It was a formentor of unchill.

“Behold, the voice of thy King!” said Gar Bar.

But the people remembered the word of the singing prophets, Magic Système, which said “premier gâou n’est pas gâou…” and the words of former King of Trumpetistan, Giorgios Bushellopoulos, “…fool me twice, can’t get fooled again.” And they cried, “Noooo!!!!”

“Gambrach speaketh not with the rapidity of the audial. This audial was not punctuated with the kingly pauses and “uhhhh” of which our King speaketh. Furthermore, how be it that his first word to the kingdom in two score days and ten, wert not in Inglesius, which the whole kingdom comprehendeth? We shall not be deceived!”

Brethren, there was finally chill in the land. It was not the chill that passeth understanding for this chill was well understood. It was the chill of the drama that bowled the kingdom off its feet. It was a stage drama scripted by the Orwellian playwright, Monsieur Beegue Braw Thurr of Paris.

For 3 score and 1 and a half dozen days, Beegue Braw enthralled the kingdom with its array of thespians, with names such as the kingdom had never seen before and behold, there was a grand prize for the greatest actor in the play. The people forgot about King Gambrach, who had said and done and was seen very little since he returned from Jandinia. Lo, Gambrach said it unto the people that he would be returning to the Jandinian meisters to perfect his convalescence and yea, was it greeted with a cacophony of silence. An almighty kerfuffulous scandal broke, showing the debauchery of malabootay and yea, was it unlooked by all and sundry, and there was chill.

Brethren, yea was it the season of the ancient prophet Flow Rider and the lost tribe of the whistle blowers. Behold, they blew his whistle baby, whistle baby and let the Everly Failing at Convictions Commission know about vast swathes of coin stolen by officials of the Kingdom. The brotherhood of the Flow Riders blew hard, for an inheritance was promised unto them that revealed. And the whistles only blew of Gejoshaphatic pilferage, for the Kingodm of Gambrach was upright and holy.

And there was chill in the land.

But then, the spirit of the Tword swept through the kingdom and saw the people in a state of unprecedented sub-chill. So happy and chilled were they and so bereft of the burdens of the kingdom had they become that unmarried many and unmarried man clung to women that were neither their wives and copulated in unbridled chillaxation. Such unbridled coitusification rose as a stench and the spirit of the Tword was so displeased that it sent a plague upon the the fetid fields of fornication.

Or so it was said by Ree Yah, the king of the lesser kingdom of ZamfarawayLand, which worst struck by the plague. And yea, was it a plague of Jye-Tiss. King Ree Yah was confounded by the plague and enquired of the court vizirs the source of the scourge. And he went into prayer himself, where it was revealed to him that the plague was sent upon the land because the fornicatometer had passed 40 forns (the metric unit of measurement). “My people, the spirit of the Tword is displeased and we have offended him sorely with our combustions of the flesh. This scourge of Jye-Tiss is upon us for we have exceeded 40 forns. We shall appease the spirit, as is the custom of our state, by the king taking a new teenage bride. And then we must do our best to keep our fornicatometer between 19 and 35 forns only, lest we be visited with another plague.”

And even then, brethren, there was only a mild, fleeting unchill. For the people watched the play of Beegue Braw Thurr. Until the play ended and the actors all exited left. Then, the chief scribe of Gejoshaphat (thou rememberest him, surely), Roo Ben dug out his quill and wrote of the play of Monsieur Beegue.

“My soul magnifies all the gods old and new for the ending of the play of Monsieur Thurr, for it was a gaddem distraction from the whinings of the kingdom. Never have I, Roo Ben, seen such a bad play about grocery in my life. For I know my onions. And I know my fruits. And I know too well when fruit oligarchs masquerade their products with sultry satire.

“In the play of Monsieur Beegue, there were lost of bananas on display. SoLah TiDoh, one of the lady actors, loved the bananas of her male counterparts quite openly. But they were bad bananas. How do I know this? Because I also have a banana. And while I was in the king’s court, I received praise for my premium banana, disbelieving the lies of those who claimed they had seen better bananas. In fact, my banana was once thought to be a plantain and another a cucumber. The cucumber person was colour blind in their left eye though.

“And then there was Left-Eye, the posh actress of mixed heritage who put her fruits on display, claiming that they were fruits that were loved by the high-flying men of the winged chariots in the sky. Gurrrrl, because of my time in the king’s court, I know a thing or two about the favoured fruit of the frolicking affluents. I have seen better fruit than Left Eye had to offer. I see better fruit all the gaddem time. And unlike the downward pointing mangoes and oranges Left Eye put on display, the men of the flying chariots prefer pumpkins and watermelons and coconuts.

“You see, to be a man of discernment is a lifetime’s work. And I have developed quite a taste for fruit. A man of discernment knows his fruits.”

And mygheeeeeurd, did unchill return with a righteous vengeance! Behold, there was no gaddem chill in the entire kingdom!