Our daughter (10) - I'll call her Ivy - is often bothered by the noises our son Alex (12 and not his real name) makes at dinner. Normally she says something like: "Stop it Alex! You are going like this! Yuck!", while imitating him eating with his mouth open. And then the fight breaks out between the 2 of them; "I don't care! Mind your own business!"​So last week on the way to soccer practice, I suggested to Ivy that an I-message may work better for her at dinner time. That night she tried to send an I-message to Alex: "I would appreciate it if you would keep your mouth closed and stop making those noises while you eat!" But that didn't go over well either: "If you don't like it, go somewhere else!"

When Ivy later complained to me that I-messages don't work, I explained the difference between I-messages and Hidden You-messages. The following sentences are clear You-Messages and often ineffective: - You stop eating with your mouth open.- You are a spoiled brat.- You go clean up your room right now.

When you say "I think", "I need", or "I appreciate it if" in front of a You-messages, they are still ineffective. We call these "hidden you-messages":- I'd appreciate it if you stop eating with your mouth open- I think you are a spoiled brat- I need you to go clean up your room right now

These hidden you-messages still contain orders and judgments and as a result Alex still felt defensive and is resistant to change. True I-statements on the other hand, explain what I don't like, why I don't like it, and how I feel. It does NOT contain what the other should be doing. When I use real I-messages, I come across as; I am having a problem and I would like some help with my problem. Instead of, you are bad and you need to change.

So last night Ivy tried a third time. She said: "It is hard for me to eat when I hear these noises and I am starting to feel annoyed."

Alex looked at her suspicious and said: "Okay, got it" and continued eating with his mouth closed!

Hallelujah! Success!

Come and learn how to communicate more effectively with your children at one of our upcoming P.E.T. classes:

Believe it or not, we humans are born equipped with a self-confidence and an inner-guidance system that help us navigate challenges. All too often, we well-intentioned grown-ups jump in too quickly to solve our kids’ problems without giving them a chance to do so on their own. This can leave them feeling:

1. Incompetent: "I'm too young (or too incapable, too fragile or too weak) to do it on my own.”

2. Dependent: "I can’t do it. I don't know how. Can you do it for me?"

Or

3. Defiant: "You're not the boss of me!"

Thomas Gordon’s Parent Effectiveness Training helps us let our kids help themselves. When we trust in their ingenuity and resourcefulness and focus on their strengths, it gives them the opportunity to trust their own judgment and sharpen their problem-solving skills. Then they are able to find solutions that are most right for them at that moment in time.

ACTIVE LISTEN WITH YOUR EYES AND EARS
The most powerful and helpful parenting skill is to activelylisten to our kids because it helps them tune into their inner-guidance system (i.e. their point of view, their interest and strengths). Our children are always telling us about themselves, both by what they say and do. Sometimes in subtle ways and other times much more obvious, they are letting us know what they do and don’t like, who they do and don’t trust and what they’re ready for and where their boundaries are.

When we active listening, children can connect with their inner potential without being distracted by our well intended advice and help. This helps them work through their experiences. As a result they feel confident and self-reliant so they can better handle whatever comes their way.

You begin to think about something, something that you want. Perhaps you want your child to go to bed on time or be safe on social media or to visit grandma. It starts with a little subtle thought perhaps at dinner: Gosh I am tired, I wish the kids would go to bed on time. While cleaning up dinner, you start thinking more and more how you like the kids to go to bed or how wonderful it would be to have some alone time to read. You may even share this thought with your partner; "Gosh I am tired tonight, I wish the kids would go to bed early so I can read my book".

And the other parent may agree; "Yes lets do it! And both of you feel great about your decision.

...and then comes bedtime....

You tell the kids: "It is bedtime! Go brush your teeth! And the children, who have had their own thoughts about how they were going to spend their evening are not excited the way you are because they haven't been part of that thought process since dinner. So the children resist because they came into it later and you get frustrated by their resistance. And so the nightly power struggle begins. Or the homework struggle, or the piano practicing struggle, or the screen time struggle.

The kids are not motivated because they have not been part of that initial thought process. Most parents tell their children what to do and then don't understand why the child is not listening or participating.

What is so important, is to communicate more fully with your children. If you clearly state what you want ahead of time (as soon as you start thinking about it) and make plans together (talk about what the rest of the evening is going to look like for everyone) rather then launching your own plan and imposing them upon your child later, you will have much more success in your relationships with your children.

You can yell at them, you can set rules and restrictions, you can offer your disapproval all you want, but you can not inspire them to do things or instill inner motivation unless you let them be part of the decision making process.

If you want to learn how to communicate more fully, how to inspire your children to do things, how to instill inner motivation, then sign up today for our next round of Parent Effectiveness Training (P.E.T.) classes.

Here is the thing, most parents respond to the actual words their children say when their children talk back at them. For example, when the child says: “I don’t care, you’re not the boss of me!” parents respond: “Well, you should care!” or “I am the boss as long as you live in my house!”. But the words in the backtalk are actually only a very superficial layer and not the key issue at all. It is the feeling that the child experiences that makes her or him talk back at you.

The child's words are only coded messages for what the child is feeling; resentment, frustration, or being hassled. When you respond to the feeling instead of the words, then the child is more likely to calm down.

BackTalk“I don’t care about you"“You can’t make me”"You are not the boss of me”“I'm busy! Jeez, isn't that obvious?”“None of my friends have to!?”

Parent responding to child's feelings“You are angry with me”“You want to make your own decisions”“You’re tired of me telling you what to do”“You feel hassled by me, you wish I’d go away”“You feel unfairly treated”

A calmer child is much more likely to listen to your needs (your need to be respected). So try addressing the feeling of the child first, before talking about your needs.

This can benefit you in multiple ways:- A child who feels listened to and understood is usually more cooperative with your requests,- It prevents you from getting into a power struggle,- It maintains the relationship between you and your child,- It builds Emotional Intelligence in your child.

"When people become parents, something strange and unfortunate happens." Thomas Gordon wrote this in his award winning book, Parent Effectiveness Training. "Parents begin to assume a role or act a part and forget they are persons. They start to behave in certain ways because they think that is how parents should behave." Children pick up on parents playing a part, they realize early on that this perfect person isn't really who you are. They notice you ate all the cookies after they went to bed, watch your phone well after your screen time is over. They hear you yell at them when you don't get your way, or interrupt them when they talk.

This transformation of people turning into parents is unfortunate for 2 reasons. A child's curiosity leads them to try and find out who's the human being underneath the parent, because they deeply appreciate the quality of realness and humanness and they respond favorably to it. And, parents often feel guilty when not being able to play the part, not being able to be consistent, or not being able to set the perfect example.

Parent Effectiveness Training is here to teach you it isn't necessary to play that perfect parent role at all! You don't need to be consistent, and you don't need to be perfect. An effective parent lets himself be a person – a real person. If parents could only accept themselves and stop playing a part, it would send a very different message to their children; I am good the way I am, and so are you. I don't need to portray myself any different, neither do you. If we mess up, we are not bad, we just learn from our mistakes so that we can be true to who we are and build a happier life together.

If you keep an open line of communication with your children, they will be more likely to talk to you about their problems when they grow older. They will look for you when they go through difficult experiences in middle school and you will have more influence on them when they grow into teenagers.

Unfortunately, nationwide only 75% of children find it easy to talk to their mom, and 60% find it easy to talk to their dad. So 1 in 4 kids doesn’t open up easily to mom and 1 in 3 struggles being open with dad!

This is in contrast with other high-income and developed countries where 85-90% of children find it easy to talk to their mothers and 75-80% opens up easily to their fathers. So what is holding our children back from talking with us?

Well, let’s think about it. When you talk about your difficulties with other people, what are some of the least helpful responses that you get? What makes you think: “Oh great! Why did I bring this up with you? That was NOT helpful!”

Award Winning Number 1 LEAST Helpful Response:

Reassurance: “Oh, don’t worry about it, you’re OK.”

Yep, we’ve all heard reassurance before, and it does nothing if you’re on the receiving end of it…

Runner-up Prize for Number 2 LEAST Helpful Response:

Telling me what to do: “Why don’t you just send an email, give her a call”

If fixing it was that easy, I would have already tried it...

Bronze Medal for Number 3 LEAST Helpful Responses:

Taking over the conversation: “ I had that too. When I was young…”

I thought we were talking about me? But I guess we’re back to talking about you now … sigh…

Reassurance, telling us what to do, taking over the conversation, let alone lecturing, moralizing and preaching are all things most of us do not find helpful. Yet this is usually how well-intended parents try to help their kids.

So what to do instead, how do we keep the line of communication open with our children?

Listen without judgment Hear your child’s point of view. Telling them what to do differently right of the bat is often perceived as criticism, especially when children feel emotionally upset.

Check to see if you understand their point of view Restate in your own words (don’t parrot them nor state the obvious) what you hear them say to make sure that you understand them correctly. This will get you to the underlying problem, which is usually much different from the child’s initial superficial complaint. At the surface they appear mad at their brother, but underneath the anger they may feel left out or unfairly treated. At the surface they may appear sad about losing a game but underneath it may be a fear of disappointing others. At the surface they may seem frustrated with their teacher but underneath they may feel overwhelmed by the amount of school work.

Guide them to come up with their own solutionWe rob children sometimes from their opportunity to become independent problem solvers by jumping in with well intended advice. Encourage independence and creative problem solving by asking them what they think they can do to solve their problem.

Only give advice when you are “hired” by your child Only give advice when they are willing to listen to what you have to say. If they are emotionally upset they aren’t ready. If you are not sure confirm it with them: “I have an idea, would you like to hear it?” If they don’t answer that question, it means they don’t want to hear it.

Leave the responsibility for taking your advice up to themMake your point only once and then leave them the choice to take your advice or not

Easier said than done? Come and learn the most studied, proven and highly praised parenting program in the world! Parent Effectiveness Training Workshops by 3-time Nobel peace prize nominee Dr. Thomas Gordon. For parents of children in preschool, elementary school, middle school and beyond.

Few people enjoy having conflicts but they are an inevitable part of family life. It is unrealistic to think you can go a long time without a disagreement in your family. From bedtime, morning routines, transitions and homework, to sibling rivalry, screen time, and cell phone usage, you can't avoid conflicts. If children learn from a young age to deal with disagreements properly, it prepares them for society, and they are better able to cope as adults.

The million dollar question is how to deal with conflicts in a healthy and effective way. Children don’t naturally resolve conflicts peacefully: they can hit, scream, nag, whine, bully or demand without consideration for others. So you as the parent need to set the right example. If you simply make the decisions, use power and punishment to enforce your solutions, and referee their sibling fights, it won’t teach them much about resolving disagreements in real life. Here are 10 ingredients for successful conflict resolution:

Set the right example. Treat your children the way you want to be treated.

Model effective conflict resolution with your partner. Show your child how grown-ups find solutions in a healthy and effective way.

Give your child space to calm herself down before you address the heart of the matter.

Don’t patronize what your children want, even if you can’t give it to them. For your children these wishes are real. “I know how much you want it, and I really wish I could just give it to you.”

Stay away from Judging, Criticizing & Name Calling even when you feel irritated and annoyed. It creates unnecessary resistance and it chips away at their self-esteem.

Talk about the cause of the disagreement before you talk about the solution.

Let everyone finish talking, don’t interrupt your children and if they interrupt you say: “I can’t get my point across when you talk while I am talking.”

Explain to your child why you are upset.

Don’t make conflicts unnecessarily difficult with a lot of language when it involves young children.

Discuss alternatives for next time.

Easier said than done? Our parenting workshop teaches you step-by-step conflict resolution skills. Enroll now in one of our upcoming winter classes.

Sympathy feels sorry for you, tries to make you feel better, and anxiously solves your problem. Empathy puts itself in your shoes, listens carefully, and has your back while you solve it yourself. Sympathy looks down at you, holds you back, debilitates. Empathy meets you at your level to empower the strength within. Sympathy is the language of well-intended parents. Empathy the language of effective ones.

Parents are generally quick to point out the behaviors of their children they don't like, but it is an exception to point out the positive. Let's say your child interrupts a conversation with your friend. You may say; "I'm talking right now honey" or "You're interrupting". But what do you say when your child is not interrupting your conversation? Do you say; "Thank you for waiting" or "I appreciate you letting me finish my conversation"!?

If you generally skip the positive and are keen to point out what bothers you it can have unintentional negative side effects. It may chip away at your child's self esteem, or children may learn to get your attention by behaving in ways that are annoying to you.

I have an experiment for you!

When you come home today, try to keep track of the number of times you point out a negative, and also count the number of positive statements you make. Ideally you want the positives to outweigh the negatives. So tell them what you like, love, appreciate or are thankful for. Or otherwise share your positive feelings with your child ("I love you"; "I am inspired by you").

Sending positive messages is especially important when you are struggling with your child. Maybe they hit or scream a lot. Try to say something when they are NOT hitting or screaming instead of only pointing out the times they do; "I see how mad you are and I really appreciate you are not screaming at me. You could scream but you are not and that makes it easier for me to understand and talk with you."

Last night, I was about to point out to my daughter that her dishes were still on the table. Instead I chose to tell my son; "I appreciate that you put your dishes in the kitchen and cleaned the table, thank you Jake! He was beaming, his chest inflated, he sure liked hearing that! Before you knew it Maggie followed right along.

Almost all parenting programs give new info, insightful explanations, great theories, and helpful tips. However, how do you decide which skill to use in the heat of the moment. Parent Effectiveness Training (also referred to as Parenting with Emotional Intelligence) is unique because it provides a framework which helps parents understand WHICH skill to use WHEN and for what PURPOSE. It can help you be more confident and less confused about how to handle a situation with your children when emotions run high. Parent Effectiveness Training also stands out because it focuses on teaching you skills, it is a skills training. This is not a ready answer course in which we tell you how to deal with one particular situation, instead we teach you communication and conflict resolution skills which you can implement at home in EVERY situation.

The last way that P.E.T. stands out from other programs is that parents are being taught how to become assertive without any form of parental power (including logical consequences and time out). Dr. Thomas Gordon who is the founder of Parent Effectiveness Training was nominated for three Nobel peace prizes for this work. Also, as a result he received a Lifetime Achievement Awards from both the American Psychological Foundation and the California Psychological Association. So his approach is very peace promoting and time tested.

More in depth comparison of parenting philosophies on the philosophy page HERE.

Parent Effectiveness Training classes are offered in Los Angeles and Orange County. Fall 2014 is beginning with classes starting Friday, October 3 at the Fit Club in Irvine (Quail Hill). LA classes are in Eagle Rock starting Mondays on October 6. CLICK HERE TO REGISTER TODAY!