In an effort to control the massive rise in
'D-List' celebrities, the Advisory Council for the Regulation Of Non-educational
Youth Media (A.C.R.O.N.Y.M), announced today that from September 31st
2005, all former reality TV show contestants will be shot into space

Under the Advisory Council’s plans—which
were set to receive an overwhelming endorsement in the House of Commons
this morning—the set of any given reality show will be equipped
with a bright orange chair in the shape of a huge pair of baggy trousers.
Evicted or eliminated participants in shows such as Big Brother,
Fool Around With My Girlfriend, and that other one where some dozy
tart tries to work out if the bloke she fancies is gay, will be ‘invited’
to sit in the ‘ejector seat’, before being ‘encouraged’
to light the fuse attached to the six tons of rocket fuel placed under
their chair by the lucky winner of a viewers’competition. The
contestant will then be launched into the firmament at fifteen times
the speed of sound, after which they will orbit the earth for all eternity—or
until they are rescued by a passing
alien who's looking for something to impregnate.

When we questioned the likelihood of such an encounter, a Channel 4
spokestypeperson told Utterpants:
"Look, three million Americans can't be wrong, mate. If dog ugly
birds from Nebraska who are no strangers to a fish supper can get abducted,
cock-hungry slappers like Orlaith will get sucked
out of their knickers faster than we can shoot them into orbit."

The enforced change, whilst something of a radical revision for the
reality TV industry, is not expected to affect the number of applicants
selling their grandmothers to get on the shows in 2006—a figure
predicted to exceed 62 million, or roughly 106.28% of the population.

The Council’s initiative comes after months of concern from economists
and media experts alike, who fear that the country simply cannot sustain
its current levels of celebrity hysteria. “Given the implausibly
high fees commanded by ex-reality show contestants for opening new
Supermarkets and Lesbian Single Young Mothers Centres, and given
the incredibly high recruitment rate in the industry, it was clear that
drastic action had to be taken,” said Claude Beric, a surprisingly
well-informed administrator at the London School of Economics. “If
new reality series continue to appear every few weeks, with brief tabloid
careers for their alumni increasing at an exponential rate, then within
seven years the UK will be declared bankrupt and will be officially
recognised as a third-world state. Shooting contenders into space is
for the good of the nation. Now please excuse me, I have a mountain
of Channel 4 application forms to complete.”

The new measures will not affect all reality show contestants, however.
Where the individuals can reasonably be described as being ‘already
slightly famous’, in series such as I’m A Celebrity,
Get Me Out Of Here! and Celebrity Love Island for example
(although the latter was still a matter of debate at the time of press),
eliminated participants will not be exterrestrialised, but will remain
earthbound to walk free at the end of filming. This is due to the Council’s
judgement that existing celebrities who have got
their tits out to achieve recognition should be exempted from the
new law. “Yeah be fair, be fair” said a relieved Nadia
Almada yesterday.