Laughing Stalk is a weekly newspaper humor column about current events and personal observations. It's published in ten weekly newspapers and the world's first online alt newspaper, The American Reporter.

Chattanooga Airport Renamed Chattanooga Airport

According to a story in the Chattanooga (Tennessee) Times Free Press — soon to be renamed "Chattanooga Newspaper" — officials at the Chattanooga Metropolitan Airport have been speaking with consultants and branding experts to come up with a new name for the airport. So they hired Big Communications, an advertising firm from Birmingham, Alabama.

They're the ones who came up with the catchy new title, and urged them to drop "Metropolitan" because it "creates simplicity."

Know what's even simpler? Coming up with that idea yourself.

I understand the need to hire a marketing agency for rebranding. After all, I own a social media agency. I understand the creative juice needed to come up with some great ideas to help your client make money and be a success. It involves work, creativity, and intelligence, or in my case, blind luck and copious amounts of flop sweat.

You have to be pretty on the ball, your mind has to be spinning all the time, and you never quite quit thinking about your clients or their problems, even the former ones.

But calling the Chattanooga Airport "Chattanooga Airport" just seems like cheating. It didn't take any effort at all. I mean, that name change is so easy, it's the kind of throwaway suggestion I'd make in a five minute conversation over the phone. I'd feel slimy if I actually accepted money for that piece of advice.

Not enough to turn it down, you understand. I mean, slimy guys have to eat too.

Admittedly there's not much you can do with an airport's name. It's a friggin' airport. There's nothing else to call them. Flying People Mover House? Air Travel Receiving Center? TSA Center of Fondling and Groping?

No, it's the airport, no matter where you are. Every city with a flying people mover house calls it "The Airport."

Even the Indianapolis International Airport is called "the airport" by everyone I know. If they want to be specific, they'll say "the Indianapolis Airport."

And if I ever have to pick anyone up at "the airport," they say I can just pick them up in front of "the terminal." Not the Colonel H. Weir Cook Terminal. Just "the terminal."

We all have a local frame of reference when we speak to other people about things that are common to our community, our town, our shared experiences. If a friend says they need a ride to "the airport," I'm pretty safe in assuming they didn't mean the Quebec City Jean Lesage International Airport.

Admittedly, the Chattanooga Airport has some identity issues, since it is a regional airport. They have people from Dalton, Georgia; Fort Oglethorpe, Georgia; Cleveland, Tennessee; and other surrounding areas using the airport. And while Fort Oglethorpe is fun to say, I'm sure Fort Oglethorpe doesn't have an airport. But they might want to go to the Hartsfield-Jackson Atlanta International Airport. Any Fort Oglethorpians who need a ride to the airport will ask their gullible friends, "can you give me a ride to the Atlanta airport?" Because they need to be specific.

But that's not my complaint. It's the fact that the Chattanooga Airport board hired a communications firm — a good communications firm, I'm sure — and paid them a few thousand dollars to be told "Chattanooga Airport."

It's not all bad though. They also came up with the tagline "get on board." It's supposed to be a multi-meaning tagline, not only representing the call for people to get on their planes, but recalling their railroad history ("Pardon me, boy, is that the Chattanooga choo-choo?"). It's also a call to other Chattanoogers to participate in the revitalization of the city, or to quit complaining about something, or some such thing that no one will quite remember.

It sure beats "quitcher whining and siddown!"

The problem with nearly all marketing is that it's created by professionals, me included, who are more impressed with their own cleverness than what the public really wants. And it's approved by committees who know nothing about marketing, but will make consensus-based (i.e. watered down) decisions based on what they think they know, but really have no clue about.

I don't disagree that Chattanooga Airport is probably the best name. After all, that's what the Chattanoogers have been calling it ever since the first plane touched down. But I don't see what sort of magic and expertise a marketing communications firm brought to the party in coming up with "Chattanooga Airport."

And I have a feeling the airport officials are going to think the same thing when they get "The Invoice."

Friday, September 23, 2011

Wikileaks Leaker Peeved His Book Leaked

Julian Assange loves leaking information. He loves finding other people's secrets and sharing it with the entire world. He even likes to say "information wants to be free."

The founder of Wikileaks.com made international news by accepting 250,000 leaked confidential cables and memos from US Army private Bradley Manning, and then sharing it with several newspapers in the US and Europe, revealing confidential information several governments would rather have kept secret.

Information wants to be free, Assange has shouted from the mountaintops. He thinks it should be shared openly, freely, and lavishly.

Unless it's his information. That's private.

Assange is accusing Scottish publisher, Canongate, of leaking his autobiography, about the founding of Wikileaks, without his approval.

He is currently in England, challenging a British court's decision to extradite him to Sweden to face trial on the charges of raping two women.

But this isn't the only time his information has been leaked. Assange was upset last year when Swedish police leaked over 100 pages of interview transcripts, photos, and other evidence. He said the police files were private, and not something that should have been leaked, because it would harm his defense if and when he goes to trial.

Information wants to be free. Unless it's Julian Assange's police files. Because releasing that information might damage his intended defense and endanger his freedom for a few years.

Of course, he had no problem releasing documents that would damage relationships between the U.S. and foreign governments, even though that damage could cost billions of dollars in trade, and may even ruin shaky diplomatic relationships.

Assange was also annoyed when the judge in his extradition hearing insisted on reading his "house arrest address" in England out loud in court.

Information wants to be free, unless it's Julian Assange's house. Because his location — which is Ellingham Hall; Ellingham, Northumberland NE67 5EY — is supposed to be secret so he can maintain his privacy.

Of course, he had no problem releasing documents that could threaten American counterterrorism efforts, and let the Taliban and al-Qaeda know how to defeat certain US military tactics, risking the injury and death of countless soldiers.

But let's get back to his unapproved autobiography, which was released without his permission.

According to the BBC, Assange says this book is "an unchecked work in progress," because he was not allowed to fact check everything that was written by the ghostwriter hired to produce the work. He says the publisher is making money from an erroneous draft.

Canongate said that Assange tried to cancel his contract, even though he had been paid a six-figure advance, and had not repaid it. He used it to pay his legal fees, which means he cannot pay it back, and now he wants to stop Canongate from publishing the manuscript they paid him for.

Publishers are very picky about authors canceling contracts or being told not to publish what they've written. They usually want their money back. If you don't have it, they'll just work with what you gave them.

That's what Canongate is doing now. They even said they would pay him his royalties.

But Assange believes Canongate has violated his contract and his personal assurance that his draft would not be released without his permission.

Information wants to be free, unless it's Julian Assange's autobiography. Because releasing his autobiography without his permission, even though he is unwilling to fix the manuscript. It's "opportunism and duplicity — screwing people over to make a buck," he said in a statement.

Of course, the US State Department told Assange that releasing 250,000 cables was illegal — i.e. he did not have their permission — and rejected his offer of "scrubbing the cables" of sensitive information — i.e. fixing them. Assange published the cables anyway, in a wave of opportunism and duplicity — screwing over entire countries and their citizens to make a name for himself.

Actually, I support the idea of government transparency. Yes, I worry that some of this information could cost lives (although to date, it has not resulted in even one death). And I worry that his leaks could damage important diplomatic relationships.

But I also believe that we have learned important information from Wikileaks, like how our government has lied about intelligence gathering and the war. Like how the Chinese government launched a cyberattack on Google. Or that Turkey helped al-Qaeda in Iraq. Or that President Bill Clinton ordered American diplomats to spy on UN officials.

I believe governments should not hide the way they do things, because it allows them to operate in secret, sometimes against their own citizens' interests.

But I also believe that the chief information-freer should not get his panties in a twist when it's his own information that's been freed.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Regular readers know that my family and I love the Indiana Fever. Thanks to their victory Monday over the New York Liberty, they are now facing the Atlanta Dream at home tomorrow at Conseco Fieldhouse.

They are also offering special pricing on the tickets to anyone who wants to go.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

It was a quick Facebook email, from my friend, Julie, who works for the Indiana Fever. (And now, my bestest friend ever!)

"Yes, please." I wrote back. I am nothing, if not polite.

Long story short, we ended up with 5 tickets on row 4 section 20, right behind one of the goals. It was the closest I've ever been to the action. I managed to take some great photos, and get some good expressions on the faces of the players. You really get to see the determination and fight each of the women have as they fight their way for another bucket.

Take a look at these photos in the slideshow below. You can even click on one of them and be taken to the entire album on Picasa.

This was an important game for the Fever, because they were playing for their survival in the WNBA championships. This was the final game of the Eastern Conference semifinals. The winner would move on to play the Atlanta Dream, the loser would go home.

Rather than keep you in suspense, I'll just tell you: the Fever won, 72-62. They play the Dream in Indianapolis on Thursday.

At one point during the game, Tamika Catchings lost her contact lens after getting clobbered by a Liberty player. The game stopped for a few seconds while players milled about looking for the lost contact. After about 10 seconds of this, she walked over, got her spare set, popped it in, and she was good to go.

Catchings came to play, because she knew her post-season was on the line, and she fought hard. At one point, she had to be restrained by Katie Douglas because she was about to tangle with Nicole Powell.

Tammy Sutton-Brown and Katie Douglas put in a hard game too (they all did; I just had some great photos of these particular women). Katie Douglas proved why she's the Chuck Norris of the WNBA (without the beard, but probably a mean roundhouse kick); Tammy Sutton-Brown outmuscled her opponents constantly.

My favorite moment of the game came in the first half, when Catchings was shooting two free throws. Before the second one, the whole crowd started chanting, "MVP! MVP! MVP!" It gave me chills hearing it. And she hit it without blinking.

It was a close game almost the entire time — the Fever were even down by 6 during the 2nd quarter — but they pulled away in the last few minutes, and settled into a comfortable lead. The Liberty tried their hardest to overcome it, but they were working against a loud and proud crowd.

We yelled, we cheered, we stamped our feet for every point, every rebound, every steal. We booed lustily at the bad calls — there were a few — and the flagrant fouls — there were a couple of those — and eventually the Fever drove in the final nail and brought it home.

Next up, the Fever play a best-of-3 series against the Atlanta Dream. The first game is Thursday the 22nd at 7:00 pm, the 2nd game is Sunday the 25th in Atlanta. And if there is a need for a third game, it will be on Tuesday 27th, time TBD (although probably around 7 or 8).

Friday, September 16, 2011

NATO, Taliban Take War to Twittersphere

It may be the first time two warring entities have taken to taunting each other online, but the Taliban and the International Security Assistance Force (ISAF) have been taken potshots at each other on Twitter. (ISAF is the NATO-led organization that has been operating in Afghanistan to help grow the Afghan National Security Forces, and to help fight the insurgent Taliban.)

According to an article in the (London) Guardian, the Twitter spat — coincidentally called a "flame war" in Internet lingo — flared up as a 20-hour Taliban assault on Kabul was drawing to a close.

The first volley came from the ISAF media account, which goes by @ISAFmedia: "Re: Taliban spox on #Kabul attack: the outcome is inevitable. Question is how much longer will terrorist put innocent Afghans in harm's way?" (Spox is Twitter shorthand for spokesman.)

(Translated from text speak, the message said, "ISAF media, I don't know. You have been putting them in 'harm's way' for the past 10 years. (You have) razed whole villages and markets. And (you) still have the nerve to talk about 'harms way'(?)")

But as in all wars, the other side is not willing to concede the last word in, so @ISAFmedia said, "Really, @abalkhi? UNAMA reported 80% of civilians causalities are caused by insurgent (your) activities http://goo.gl/FylwU."

To translate: "I doubt the accuracy of your facts, Balki, and I think you're a dirty little liar. The UN Assistance Mission in Afghanistan says that 80% of civilian casualties are caused by you and your army of murderers. Here's proof at this website." (Note: I may have embellished his response a little bit.)

To which @abalkhi (not so) wittily responded, "@ISAFmedia UNAMA is an entity of whom? mine or yours?"

While @ISAFmedia stopped responding to @abalkhi — thus conceding that all important last word — he did later send a link to a YouTube video to @alemarahweb, another Taliban organization, taunting, "Hey @alemarahweb, does your boss do this?" The video was of General John Allen, commander of NATO-led forces, checking up on his troops after the Kabul attacks.

Later, another tweet said, "Biz as usual in #Kabul. Saw a young girl on her walk to school today. Take that, Taliban!"

As someone whose day job it is to help other companies use social media, I'm very intrigued by this ongoing war of words between these two factions. Normally, Twitter is used to share information, have conversations with people, or publicly serve up a petty little spat between two egotistical computer geeks. I have never seen anyone openly taunt a war-time enemy with it.

Frankly, it's both awesome and a little frightening at the same time. And it makes me wonder how Twitter would have been used 150 years ago:

@SittingBull: Hey, @Gen_Custer, are you guys lost? Intel says you guys are lost.

While I'm sure there have been wartime insults trade throughout history — and more than a few that resulted in wars — this is the first time we've been able to see these insults and taunts traded so publicly and easily found online.

And while I'm not knocking @ISAFmedia's efforts, with the world watching us, I think we need to step up our online taunting a little more, so we don't sound like the French knights from Monty Python and the Holy Grail.

Maybe we could hire some insult comics to run some counter-insult Twitter accounts. While I'm sure there are some netiquette (Internet etiquette) rules NATO has to follow, I don't think it's over the line to throw in a few deep-cutting, morale-destroying insults designed to decimate the resolve of the enemy and show them we mean business.

Sunday, September 11, 2011

The last Indiana Fever home game was held on Patriot Day, and it was a somber mood in the Conseco Fieldhouse. We had been watching football all day and the NFL salutes, listening to all the "10 years later" news retrospectives, and hearing all the remembrances.

The WNBA didn't do anything differently. They were respectful of the day, and aware of the fact that this was the last regular season home game. Tonight was about showing fans how much they appreciated us, and for everyone to show our military personnel how much we appreciated them.

I only wish the Fever could have capped it off with a victory to make the evening complete.

But even with an 88 - 93 loss, it didn't matter. The Fever clinched the number one spot Eastern division. They were going to the playoffs with home court advantage. But a loss tonight meant we would be playing the Liberty, a win meant we would turn around and face the Dream again. Personally, I was hoping for a Liberty playoff series, because we seem to have better luck against them than the Dream.

I wonder if the Fever were thinking the same thing, because some of the non-starters got some valuable playing time. Shannon Bobbit was a starter tonight, and she was scrapping and running and fighting for every ball, every pass. She tangled with Coco Miller, Kelly Miller's sister (Washington Mystics), and had all the tenacity of another diminutive former Fever player, Tully Bevilaqua.

With the loss, the Fever have a best-of-3 series against the Liberty starting on Thursday. The winner of this series will face the winner of Atlanta-Connecticut.

Wednesday, September 07, 2011

The Indiana Fever needed a win tonight to clinch the WNBA Eastern Conference division, which they managed to do handily. They outshot, out-blocked, outran, and outplayed the Mystics in their pursuit of the playoffs for the 2nd time in 3 years.

One of the best matchups I saw was between our own Erin Phillips and #2 Kelly Miller. The two of them tangled and tousled several times during the game, including the time Miller gave Phillips a full-on "you-want-a-piece-of-this?!" shove during play. At other times, 5'0" Shannon Bobbit took on Miller, and wouldn't back down either. Miller is 5'10" and a 10-year veteran (Bobbit is in her 2nd year). Miller had the reach and the experience, but Bobbit and Phillips wouldn't back down.

Phillips has some great tenacity, taking over for our last Aussie scrapper, Tully Bevilaqua. Erin P plays her heart out game after game, playing so hard that she even got injured during the final minutes of tonight's game, hurting her left ankle. (A few photos of the spill are below.)

We have tickets to one last game against the Atlanta Dream on Sunday afternoon, September 11th.

Monday, September 05, 2011

Victory is the 118-year-old statue that watches over Indianapolis from atop the Soldiers and Sailors Monument at Monument Circle. She has stood there since 1893, through 118 Indiana winters, 118 Indiana summers. In fact today, September 5, marks the 118th anniversary she was put up. She's Indianapolis' Statue of Liberty.

Finally, four years ago, they decided she needed a makeover. So they brought her down four months ago, fixed her up, and brought her back. She has been sitting on the west side of Monument Circle at ground level for us to get a closer look. No one has seen her up close like this in our lifetime, and no one will again. It will be several generations before she returns to earth again — maybe my grandkids will be around to see that, definitely their grandkids.

She was originally built on top of the monument in 40 pieces, because they didn't have the technology to take her up in one piece. So they brought her down in 13 pieces, put the pieces back together, replaced the set screws and pins, and then welded each of the seams. She is expected to last for another 100 years before she needs to be repaired again.

Friday, September 02, 2011

Beloit College Makes Me Feel Old

The class of 2015 started college this week. The class of 2015 — students who will, their parents hope, graduate from college in four years — was born in 1993, the same year I got married. There's nothing that makes me feel quite so old as knowing I'm old enough to be the father of today's college freshmen. Me and Ferris Bueller.

And I blame Beloit College for it.

Beloit College, in Wisconsin, releases the Beloit College Mindset List every August, as a way to show their faculty what is pinging through the minds of their young charges. I think they do it because they don't like their faculty, and want to make them feel decrepit.

It was originally created in 1998 — making it the class 2020 — by Ron Nief and Tom McBride, as a way to tell the professors to avoid using dated references in their lectures.

It's always been a bit of a downer for me when someone who is younger than me points out how much younger. I mean, I know I'm no spring chicken, but I still feel like one. At least until I'm reminiscing about something from my high school days, and someone in their early 20s says, "Hey, I've heard about that. My dad said he did it in high school."

People have said that about watching the Berlin Wall come down, about certain TV shows, or even fashion trends. I usually just let it slide, but it really stung when I heard a song at a coffee shop a few weeks ago, and said, "I remember this from high school." Some young punk said, "Oh yeah, I heard that on a classic station the other day."

Admittedly, I don't have it as bad as Clarence Page, a columnist for the Chicago Tribune. In one of his most recent columns, he said that his days in high school — he graduated in 1965 — seemed like "'only yesterday,' until the stories that I used to watch on television began to appear in my son's history exams."

I can see how that would make Page feel old, especially when I say that he graduated two years before I was born.

But I'm not the only one who is stunned at how everything is "only yesterday," and yet so long ago. And that's what the BCML reminds me of.

Andre the Giant, River Phoenix, and Frank Zappa have always been dead, says the BCML. Just like the little piece of me that died when it reminded me that Fezzik, young Indiana Jones, and Dweezil and Moon Unit's dad have been dead for that long.

There has never been a dial, as in "don't touch that dial." And the class of 2015 hasn't used dial-up Internet since they were 10. In fact, "dialing" a phone means nothing to these snot-nosed brats, since their phones have always had push-buttons, and now touch screens, since they were a gleam in their fathers' eyes.

They played with pogs when they were a kid. Although I view this more as a badge of shame on their part than a thing I should be upset about. I thought pogs were the dumbest thing going in the early 90s, and I was glad the craze collapsed. It was the childhood equivalent of collectible beer coasters, and only slightly less interesting.

The BCML says the Soviet Union collapsed two years before they were born, which means the phrase "damn Commies" doesn't really mean anything to them. I said it once, and a teenager asked me what I had against commas. There's nothing like a complete ignorance of near-recent global politics to make one especially grumpy.

It's not that I hate young people. Hate is such a strong word. I dislike them intensely.

They irk me, these young people who are in good shape, who have thick heads of hair, and who don't grunt when they sit down.

I dislike them for the fact that they remind me that I'm not their age. For the fact that the things I remember most fondly happened a college senior ago. For the fact that I have been an adult longer than they have been alive, and that I have t-shirts older than they are.

I'm sure they're all wonderful kids, these leaders of tomorrow. And I wish them a long and healthy life filled with memories and good times.

Because one day, I want one of them to look at the Beloit College Mindset List and say, "Has it been that long? I remember when we didn't have jet packs, and you had to CARRY your phone. Man, I feel old!"