Thursday, July 17, 2008

#37 SECRET AGENT Are You Hooked?

All there was to look at was darkness. Maybe a light spot here and there, but overall, everything was nothing to Broghan's eyes.

As she lay there, she listened to a group of five interns gathered around her bed. Cold season must have been approaching. Everyone's voice was slightly pinched and nasally.

"This specimen," said Dr. Grobe, a Clinic scientist, "hasn't walked for a year, and has been blind for fourteen. Go ahead." There were several loud snaps and the bitter scent of latex filled the air; they had put on gloves. "Sarah, you can check her vitals."

"Is she dangerous?" a woman asked.

Dr. Grobe laughed. "No, no; we only keep class two mutants on this level."

"'Class'?" asked a baritone voice.

Broghan winced as two rough fingers punched her vein and she was overwhelmed by the stench of "Sarah's" sweet perfume.

"Yes. We classify each mutant that comes through here based on the danger of their mutation. Nightingale—that's our pet name for this one—is a class two mutant, for the simple fact that her mutation isn't powerful enough to harm anyone."

There was a general murmuring, until another woman spoke up. "The gloves—"

"Are mainly for her safety, correct. Nightingale is what we call a healer. And, until recently, it was believed that she controlled the outflow of healing energy when in skin-to-skin contact with another living being. You see, one of my esteemed colleagues discovered that—"

Yes. I think it really cooks in para 3--I wonder if you could open there and recycle the bit about listening to the interns into the "Broghan winced" paragraph, to give us a sense of her awareness level while keeping the pacing taunt.

Yes, interesting enough for me to read more. I like the idea of Nightingale being a mutant trapped in some sort of institution. The interns around her act like she isn't aware of them, and it's sad seeing how much she does notice and hear. I'm curious to know more.

Yes, I would read on. I was a bit confused about how the MC knew it was Dr. Grobe, a Clinic scientist, who was speaking, if the MC couldn't see, but in reading on I see that the MC is blind and must know the Dr. from previous encounters. Maybe making that more clear would help?

I felt disconnected from the scene and the writing felt generic."Several loud slaps..." "There was a general murmuring..."

There's too much passive voice. Use "The stench of 'Sarah's' sweet perfume overwhelmed her," rather that using was. The same is true where you used the passive voice in other sentences. Some sentence restructuring would maybe draw me in, but I wasn't really hooked by the idea that there's something happening but nothing going on.

I loved this a lot, and it definitely hooked me. 8^) I've been seeing a lot of mutant stories/novel manuscripts lately. Hmmm... Is it because of the Fantastic Four movies, or X-Men? Funny how trends come in waves. But I do like this, mostly because the character interaction is so well-done. When they put on the gloves, don't say "they had put on gloves." It's already obvious what the snap and latex smell mean. Nice job!

This had a very interesting POV and premise. I like that it's shown from the mutant's perspective and relies on sensory details. It's not really my cup of tea so I, personally, wouldn't read on, but your writing is very good.