Your writing style with this one was... flawed. I was barely aware of what was going on, really. I understood certain things, and got the jist, but I definitely wouldn't be able to name anyone except for Bob the girl and Roger Orphican the Big Bad. The names meant little to me, really. You could've switched them all around, and I wouldn't have known the difference, even if you described in such ways that should've made it clear.

I love this story. I haven't reviewed before but I've been following it for awhile.

The conversation between Bob and Atticus in this chapter (including the very last sentence there) is just pure awesomeness. I had to share it with a few of my friends. And then I really liked Priscilla and Roger's exchange, too.

I do have a comment, which I only know from taking Creative Writing classes and reading articles. At the end of Priscilla and Roger's conversation there are two sentences that Priscilla says and they both end with Roger's name. It's not natural for a person to usually say the name of the person they're speaking to, especially not often. So, I would take one of those "Roger"s out, probably the last one.

Just a thought anyway.

Good luck with fixing your computer and I can't wait until the next chapter!

Warning: Sarcasm ahead. If you don’t like what I say, that isn’t my problem. You don’t have to listen to anything I say if you don’t want to. You are the author; I am the arrogant reviewer, intent on finding the flaws. You won’t be hearing any “congratulations” unless I enjoy pieces of your chapter beyond belief. I’ll leave that to the other people on this site.

Let’s begin.

—

Not a bad starting line. Things that seem to catch the reader’s attention are action, dialogue, a death, unusual situations, etc. You’ve chosen dialogue. Instead of using the hyphen, though, you can put in a comma.

Okay, the first three sections are utter crap. Why the hell do you have them posted? You’re telling the reader everything instead of showing. We don’t want to be coached on what happened, you’ll put us to sleep—or worse, you’ll make us leave to find a better story. The first sentence was the only hook, and from there, I found a hurricane of a mess, wanting to get the heck away from it. You need to SHOW us what’s going on. Don’t say, “This and this happened.” Who the hell cares? Not me. Not most of the other readers either. I don’t care if it does pertain to the story. Show us instead of telling. Put some oomph into this piece of work before it becomes a piece of shit. Clean out the atrocities and an excellent work will be revealed. It’s hidden by the dreck.

[The teacher had explained this:]

Here, you are telling us what he/she said. Why don’t you put her into the classroom and let us hear his/her words. Let the teacher do their duty and teach us what’s going on. All the while, you can put in the antics of the other people in the classroom, how the main character is thinking about all of this, etc.

We couldn’t care less if he said the world’s going to end if magic comes back in full force. That’s in the past. We want what’s happening here and now, unless it’s within the MC’s flashback phase.

[Nowadays, parents simply scolded their children for using magic and waited for them to "outgrow" it, like an embarrassing phase in their development.]

[Priscilla herself found out she could induce headaches in people around her.]

SHOW. Show, show, show! After school/class/whatever, let the MC come home and do something where she induces a headache on someone. Let’s see how it happens. Just because you know this crap, doesn’t mean your readers do. You’re holding everything back from us and it’s infuriating. I want to see and hear scolding coming from parents. I want to see and hear what happens if someone taps into a magical talent that they aren’t supposed to have any knowledge of. I feel like I am blind and trying to find my way around an unknown place. It isn’t fun.

[When she was eight, she found a book in the attic, a sort of almanac of magic.]

*sighs* Let me put it in a better way. Think of watching a movie. Everything you tell us in this story, isn’t going to be placed into the movie. Why not? We aren’t seeing anything. You’re just briefing us on what all happened. It’s like there was a whole different book before this one that we have to read before we understand this one.

The MC in the movie isn’t able to look at the camera and actually know we are there, and then give us a briefing of what happened. We’d all be going, “Wtf?” and turning it off, handing it in for a refund.

Show us the moment in which she went up to her attic, from some reason or another. I always thought children would be afraid of “things” in the attic. Once again, you give the reader nothing, so we have to wonder. Let us see the book, feel the magic in its bindings and in the pages of which she looks. Show us her thinking things while looking at one page and another, searching. We want to be in the story itself. We want to know as much as you do, but you’re not letting us. We’re on the outside looking in.

I don’t even know why the third section is there. Once again, you can show us the moment in which this happened, why her name is “Bob”.

…Nothing else to comment on that name.

Take out the first three sections so far. They are worthless.

*

Why do you capitalize the word “mage”? That’s like me capitalizing “wolf” every time I talk about one. “I’m a Wolf therian. I have a spiritual connection to the Wolf. The Wolf in me is dominant.” See how annoying that can be? You’ve got no idea. I doubt “mage” needs to be capitalized. It’s sticking out like a sore thumb in your sentences and can become distracting.

—

That’s as far as I’m going to go in this. I say don’t worry about any grammatical problems or punctuation. What you need work on is putting scenes into your story. You have too many skips, like changing scenes. You’re story is doing one thing, then it ends and goes to another part, then ends and goes to another part. You need to make this all flow into one so you don’t do anything like this.

You’ve got good skills in writing. A great imagination, which is a plus. You just need to work a little bit more on showing and not telling us a story. Here's hoping I helped you a bit. If you choose to do nothing, that's fine. I don't mind.

ah... i think i am beginning to get a grip on the plot now. I've suspected this since last chapter, but didn't say it.

Ok, so here is my theory. Tellarin is the soul-stealing guy, and he wants to recruit Bob into the 'dark side' to replace Yretha.

) anyway, I'm all for Priscilla and Roger. Can't wait to see how that'd turn out.

x. Cashaholic

Tricrax chapter 10 . 2/7/2008

Now, I will admit, the fight wasn't the best ever written, but trust me when I say that it could've been MUCH, MUCH worse. It made sense, and explored some of the issues at hand. Again, it could be better, but frankly, everything could be better.

oh, you write so beautifully. ) And I'm glad that the plot is moving fast now. It's getting very interesting, and the four different stories are finally starting to intertwine with each other, no? ;) oh, and update!