Weekend Bookworm: The Zen of Being Grumpy

12 July 2013 , 9:29 AM by Rob Minshull

The Zen of Being Grumpy by Mark Lawson

I wouldn't say I was particularly grumpy, but I don't like noisy neighbours or those people who have parties on their back deck and then drink too much and force me to listen to their pathetic conversations and raucous laughter.

I'm not too keen on people who talk loudly on their mobile phones in public places and I positively detest those who let dogs off their leashes in children's playgrounds. In fact, dogs in general get me foaming at the mouth: their barking wakes me up in the morning or keeps me awake at night; they leave their dirt everywhere and their owners are too lazy to pick it up; and they lick their private parts before wanting to lick me.

Sex scenes on television turn my stomach and the canned laughter on American comedy shows has me reaching for the remote control. I can't bear reality TV and the self service checkout in supermarkets seems to me to be the height of New Age selfishness.

I don't like people in 4WDs who stray over my side of the road or cut corners when they're turning and I despise those men on two wheels who wear ridiculous Lycra, cycle three or four abreast, slow down the traffic and then huddle around my car at the stop lights.

It was a delight therefore to come across such a like-minded soul who has written a hugely entertaining book explaining and worshipping - in equal measure - the art of grouchiness. Mark Lawson even apologies for the 'Zen' part in the title of the book:

"Normally I have no time at all for Eastern philosophies, which I associate with people in orange robes chanting in the street, or people with beatific smiles - smiles that urge me to violence - who talk to me about karma or being at one with the universe. Right. Needless to say I have no insights into such philosophies and have no intention of acquiring any".

The Zen of Being Grumpy sets out - and succeeds beautifully - in defending grumpiness as well as rehabilitating those heroes and arch curmudgeons such as Darth Vader and Scrooge to name but two. Scrooge, for example, might have been a misery guts but at least he paid his taxes. Compare him to someone like Wall Street fraudster Bernie Madoff: the latter held fabulous Christmas parties and was incredibly generous when it came to giving to charities. Sadly it was all with other people's money. At least Scrooge was honest.

Young people in particular are objects of Lawson's vituperative and charming ridicule. They demand special attention, they are given special awards, they force their opinions on the rest of us, and they are lavished with both money and praise. And why? After all, "young people are not in any way special," argues Lawson. "They do not possess any particular wisdom or have any particular promise. They are like older people but with less experience, much less common sense and, on the whole, are more likely than their elders and betters to go off and do odd things."

Causes, protests, the environment, performance management (and management textbooks generally) are all topics worthy of scorn. And homeopathy is singled out as "an object of particular personal loathing." Obviously. Homeopathy is the absurd "belief, and it is just a belief, that some substance thought to cure the disease, or the symptoms of the disease, can be turned into a cure by being heavily diluted ... It is difficult to believe that people fall for guff like this but fall they do, and they wonder why there are curmudgeons out there who dismiss these sorts of mad beliefs in a bad-tempered, abrupt fashion."

Twitter, Lawson points out, is "so fatuous that the very thought of it is offensive. The activity is not in the category of wasting time, but of occupying time with petty drivel at 140 characters a time." And as for the Internet more generally, Mark Lawson must surely sum up a mantra for millions: "There is a whole world out there to avoid, why not go out and avoid it."

Of course, for the grumps the real world is no less wearisome. Socialising is an utter waste of time. "Parties, social gatherings involving loud music, nightclubs, bars, pubs and cheerful restaurants are all to be avoided. They are all a good way to meet people who are boring, mentally deficient, ignorant, thoroughly opinionated, dangerous, or all those things at the same time." Far worse, of course, they may also be young!

And there is no escape from being grumpy. Travel is certainly not even worth a nanosecond of consideration. Lawson provides a detailed list of countless tourist destinations throughout the world, along with all the many and superb reasons why it is not worth the effort bothering to visit them! Indeed, "there is little point in travelling and no reason to do it, apart from the need to stop other members of the family from complaining that they are never taken anywhere. Most places are the same as the one in which you live, except that they are less convenient."

So why should anyone want to bother with grumpy types at all? "Grumpy people are, by definition, not the life of the party. They are not charming and bright. They cannot dazzle with witty comments and, in business, will not have a plausible answer for very question ... They do not radiate confidence as they know, through experience, just how wrong they can be and are willing to admit it."

There is, however, redemption because, we grouchies are extremely unlikely to turn out to be con artists, we're impeccably honest and although we certainly don't court or receive much sympathy and "a grumpy person is not necessarily better informed or more intelligent or even more often right than a charmer, they know they will be held to account for even tiny errors so they may be more careful." All worth it in the end!

The Zen of Being Grumpy is hugely entertaining, even if the intention may not have been to be so; Mark Lawson, a senior journalist with the Australian Financial Review, is eloquent and erudite, witty and droll. His book also contains the occasional misprint or spelling mistake; a genuine curmudgeon would spot them all immediately.