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Gareth Barry wants out, Alex Hleb wants peace and quiet

Today’s transfer gossip, assessed and dissected just for you

Precious little Alex Hleb last month claimed his sensitive eardrums couldn’t handle the bustle of urban life in London, and he now seeks a more serene atmosphere. If the rumours of a move to Barcelona are true, however, he will find anything but the peace and quiet he seeks: in the Catalan city, honking at all hours is considered a national pastime, shouting is the preferred method of communication and the bars are completely full of loutish British stag parties every weekend. Enjoy the relative calm of London while you can, Alex.
Alex Hleb to Barcelona or maybe Bayern Munich
The honeymooning star has been linked with absolutely everyone in the past few weeks, even Rushden and Diamonds have a shot at landing him. His agent says: “The only transfer Alexander is making at the moment is from the hotel to the beach and back.”

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: He’ll be linked to AC or Roma tomorrow

Gareth Barry to Liverpool
Those Real Madrid-esque bullies, using Steven Gerrard as bait, have finally turned Barry’s head and the Villa captain has told his club he wants out. Liverpool are expected to up their offer today.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Seems likely now

Justin Hoyte to Aston Villa
A miserable day for Villa fans may get worse if they sign Arsenal’s other Englishman. You know, the guy that plays even less than Theo Walcott and sometimes gets in the Arsenal League Cup team.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: If it gets any bleaker, O’Leary will be back!

Luis Felipe Scolari to Chelsea
“Big Phil” has revealed he can live in another country, which isn’t too shocking considering he has been doing that since 2003. The Brazilian is now odds on to move to Stamford Bridge.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Looks likely but is he the best candidate?

Djibril Cisse to Portsmouth
The former Liverpool striker’s agent says he wants to return to England and insists that Portsmouth are the club that match his ambitions.

Marcus Bent to the scrapheap
It seems steamrollering Gemma Atkinson isn’t enough to guarantee a Wigan starting berth ahead of Emile Heskey, so Bent has returned to Championship Charlton, who have immediately transfer-listed him.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Could be useful for a promoted club like Hull

2 responses so far

Before you confuse your career needs with your emotional and irrational desire to play with your mate Stevie in the odd Champions League game, you might like to consider this.

Hicks and Gillett hate each other.
The club has their debt incurred acquiring the club.
They have already refinanced and the club pays interest of £30m a year.
Accounts of Kop Holdings Ltd (set up to run the club) show a loss of £32.3m in the last year, despite reaching the Champions League final.
The duo had to draw £1.5m to cover their ‘personal expences’, hardly something rich men need to do.
The duo have still not obtained finance for the new stadium. If they have not got it now, they will not get it. They have no capital worth talking about, the world is already suffering the ‘credit crunch’ and is about to go into recession.
Villa is totally stable and improving
If the Reds have to sell to buy, they will have to do it again next season. Does any other Champions League club have to do that? Eventually they will run out of players.
Are Man U, Chelsea or Arsenal interested in Milner?
How long before someone comes in for Torres or Stevie? Will the duo resist the desperate need to sell?
Have you ever heard of the two full backs Benny has just bought?
Who will pay £15m for Crouch, with only 1 year on his contract? Is Benny that daft? Harry Rednapp cannot believe what he is asking?
If they get the money to buy you, who else will they be able to afford?
Benny has just had to confirm publicly his job is safe. He will be the last to know he’s going.
The Reds are a season from emulating Leeds, maybe DIC will save them from administration and a 10 point loss.
DIC will sack Benny and the new man might not want you, or Stevie, who is reaching an age when they will cash in.
A good agent would never sell his client to a manager with such an uncertain future or such an anstable club.
The Scousers have not got a hope of catching the 3 above them.
They must qualify for the Champions League
You are idolised by the Villa fans, but you won’t be by the scousers, wrong accent.
At Villa you have established yourself as an England regular.
How do you feel about being rotated and only playing every other game?
Fabio, one of the more important people in your life has said, “It’s very imortant to see the players every week. Its better for us if they play regularly (Crouch, Bridge and Defoe to note). It’s not important to be playing in the Champions League. A lot of players have done very well for the national team (you) without playing in the Champions League”. Source – Independent 10.6.08.
Steve (gis us a job) McLaren has just tried to raise his profile by saying you will benefit from Champions League football. Well he made only one good decision as England manager, he picked you who never played in it. But what does his view matter any more?
Benny has said they can play you at full back, wide and central midfield. He doesn’t know where he is going to play you. You need to play central midfield reguarly.
You play for the best manager in the country.
Do you really want your next child born a scouser?!
What does the wife say, or more importantly keep to herself?
Have you any idea of the fans response if you ever return to Villa in a red shirt? Don’t bother.
Look Stevie in the eye, does he care for anyone other than himself and the Reds?
Just accept you are bloody well off and you could screw it up, for what?
Stevie will tell you about the importance of loyalty, if you need to be told, he must be laughing his head off.

Think Gareth, life isn’t always greener living in the red.

From someone who has contributed to your wage packet for the last 10 years.

[...] in May, precious little Alex Hleb needed an excuse to get away from London, and decided to cite the noise – rather than bendy buses, overcrowding and Jade Goody – as a reason. Shortly after [...]