Sunday, October 4, 2009

life lesson

so i got jumped by some fried bogan on saturday night. but i only walked away with a mouthful of blood, top lip the size of a monster truck tyre and an empty wallet (from all the drinking i did afterwards). so all in all, pretty good, considering i copped the cleanest sucker punch since burger king made this ad.

however, this sucks donkey balls for three reasons.

1) i was meant to get a passport this week, and im not really keen to get my picture taken looking like a mix between jay z and mick jagger.

2) being unemployed and broke as a joke, i was gonna get my ricky gervais on and become a tv and movie extra (the way i see it - if im doing fuck all, i might as well be getting paid for it). but this i think this incident took me from 'screen ugly' to 'plain old ugly', rendering me pretty much un-broadcastable. viva la home brand lifestyle.

and finally,

3) no chick, regardless of how much she wants to 'get back' at her daddy, wants to do anything worth writing home about with freddy fuckin kruger. and to think, some poor dame was actually keen, too.

so moral of the story kids - get the first punch in. or at least, learn to get the fuck outta dodge before a fist populates your-face-ville. otherwise, youll end up with no ID, no job, no playmate and no hope or respect*.

who i am

im the awkward silence in your conversation, the silent moment of embarassment in your introduction, the reluctance you have before taking the plunge. im the raspberry stain on your white t shirt, the chewing gum stuck to your shoe, the piece of hair found in your meal.

im the shadow stalking your every step, the reason youre afraid of the dark. im the cigarette being smoked on the petrol station forecourt, the powerline your kite gets caught in, the support beam that is waiting to drop the ceiling on you.

im the itch on the roof of your mouth, im the stone in your shoe, im the inconvienient truth you wish never existed.