Saturday, May 17, 2008

I was talking to a friend the other day, as is my custom, and I asked her what I thought was a simple question with an easy answer. I asked, "Do you have your eye on anyone these days?" Translation: "Who do you like?" And, her response baffled me. I mean, I suppose there were only two ways to go on the question, but I generally assume the answer to be yes. So when she said no, I had to pry. And, upon a little prying discovered she did in fact like someone, but denied the possibility of it working out to herself, so refused to accept that she actually had feelings for this person. It was a self-protective attitude, that in my mind is not really self-serving, or hopeful.

We all like people. From day to day, moment to moment. It can be a physical attraction, an emotional attraction, or it can even be a spiritual attraction. There are many ways and reasons to like people. But, there is a distinct difference in my mind between like and love. Like is not deep. Like is not particularly committal. It's not. It's the possibility of future love, if the other side reciprocates and things work out. But it's okay to like people without reciprocation. And, here's a jump, but it's okay to love people without reciprocity. It hurts sure, but that's life. Life isn't running around in cloven meadows with flowers in your hair humming Beatles' songs (as euphoric as that might be, and I'm sure some of you and the cheeba may have actually experienced it on a regular basis). So, if you are asked if you like someone, it's okay to say yes. What are you afraid of? There is no need for fear. Let your heart go. Let it be wild. Let it be tempered only a little by your mind. Now speaking from the other side, it is difficult to like or love. But rewarding. In your own mind you know why, who and how you'd like to see it turn out, but when you try to understand how they feel, unless they are straight forward (rare in my experience), you are left writhing in ambiguity and uncertainty. That's why being straight forward is kinder for both parties. If you are unwilling to say what you think and how you feel, you are not serving yourself or anyone else. It can torture people that you may not want a relationship out of, but with whom you still want to remain friends. So, the best way to deal with it is to be blunt. Don't play the game. There is no need for masks and hidden intentions. Be an open page, and expect the same. But of course, don't be surprised if you don't get what you want. But, fortunately there are people out there who feel the same and it's just a matter of time until things work out. Above all hope. And just live your life.

Friday, May 16, 2008

I'm going to proclaim her political death right now. Hillary is gone. But, strangely enough, it is a bittersweet farewell. She was a pandering, lying, self-promoting, scandal-ridden ho, but oh she was loved! That blonde hair and wrinkly over-done face. She could stare down a dead person. Even more so now that she's dead. She gave us all so much fodder! Food for thought. I will never forget the debate with her and Obama when she said "It's the government's job to fix the economy." Oh what genius. Free markets are needless and stupid with Hillary around. But, alas, she walks, she talks no more. She would have been smoked by McCain. She was a time bomb waiting to explode. But now she's gone. Without so much as a poof.I'm a dog lover, I like a good bitch every now and then. Hillary was no different. Obama has the nomination wrapped up in the pocket of his designer jeans along with the hearts of the media. He may have to provide a bonus incentive to his staffers and followers: kneepads. Like Michelle Malkin so bluntly put it. But Hillary has no one waiting on her. Ogling her every move. Well, I was (Well not really, but it was fun watching her make a fool of herself). Goodbye Hillary! I'll miss you.

Eat those up like a bowl of chunky soup. Oh and today is officially international naked day. It is not recognized by any government except the government of Michael Powers and Satirereport.com. But, share the magic anyway.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

This week has been a blog post explosion. This will be my seventh. And, I'm going to address a number of issues. First, I have ads on this site. You might have noticed that. Feel free to click on them if you're interested. Window shopping doesn't cost a thing. I promise. I know not all of you out there are interested in mormon dating, lingerie, dog food or Barack Obama t-shirts, but maybe you'll find something that strikes your fancy. Maybe a site where Obama is eating dog food in one of his own t-shirts, on a date with a mormon while wearing lingerie. Weirder things have happened.Second, I want to say that manly men still do exist, although they are scarce. And, you do not have to move to Montana or Texas to find one. Massachusetts is chock-full of them, as is Virginia, West Virginia, New York and any other place in New England. You've got a great history there. That's right, the men from those states defeated the British, the greatest empire since Rome. What did Texas have to beat? A bunch of straggly Mexicans. Not so impressive. Another reason the east and New England is better than either of the aforementioned states is because of our proximity to the ocean and the fact that we know how to live in it. The ocean makes up 2/3 of the globe, and Texans and Montana residents are land-lubbers. Third, I do not have a great affinity for Cleveland right now. I am watching the Celtics vs. Cavaliers and we are down by 11. I effing hate Lebron, Varejao and all of their spot up jumping a-holes. It's our home court. We better eff 'em up good. As I have been typing we just cut it down to 6. Yeah B. There is no excuse for a loss. I want to crush those midwesterners and their aspirations to climb out of the mediocrity bowl. Garnett needs to step up. Fourth, Ikea furniture is a joke. Engineered in Sweden, made in China. Cheap all around. People think it's cool. People also think McDonalds is cool. From time to time people are right, but Ikea and McDonalds lack class. Not that I'm the king of class, but when I break a cup or plate made by Ikea I don't really feel bad. And, I kinda want to do it again. I support America. I buy American when possible. To be honest, I'd rather support the Vietnamese than the Swedish. That's why I buy CK, Dockers, Kenneth Cole and Hilfiger. Fifth, if you're gonna have a wedding make sure it's not just cake. I don't care if you have 10 different kinds of cake. I, as a poor college student, go to weddings for the food. And, if it has to be cake, there better be an attractive woman popping out of it. I need to be honest. I'm glad my friends are getting married, but I want to see a couple steaks, shrimp or at least deli sandwiches. I went to one recently that had nothing but sugar and fluff. Gag. I promise my wedding will have good food (if I ever get married). Sixth, I'm sorry this sounds like a column of straight up bitching. That's not my intention. I just want to give you a piece of my mind. A hearty, healthy, Campbell's Soup, manly man from Boston who loves America piece. Eat up.

It's almost like some big secret. No one really wants to explain it. Well, that was until I got into it. I know I mocked it before, mostly because it seemed a little odd to say the least. Twitter. The actual website is twitter.com and on the site, you have a little profile like so many other social websites, with one massive exception. I know those of you who have facebook and myspace are familiar with status updates. Well, twitter is basically only status updates. You can hook it up to your phone and send a text to '40404' wherever you are and you can tell people what you're doing from one moment to the next (not that anyone really cares). But, occasionally you can plug a new website or blog and if you gain a pretty good following, you can boost the traffic there many fold. You may have noticed (those of you who are observant) that I linked twitter to my blog. That means you can keep up to date with my daily ramblings and sojourns. Lucky you. So I recommend you all go to twitter, visit my page, and become followers. The cat's out of the bag.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Turns out I have estranged my Ohio friends. Not a shock to me. I apologize. That post was written in anger, frustration and bitterness. Ohio has good things. The Wright brothers, Neil Armstrong, The Drew Carey Show. I do not have anything against Ohio sports, I am just consistently frustrated with them losing. As I am frustrated with any of my teams losing. My alma mater, BYU, is a consistent choke artist and joke. It drives me crazy. I apologize to Ross, Man's Man, Bryant, Sayaka, and any others who claim Ohio as home. I love Ohio. But more when they aren't playing my teams in the playoffs. I am a masshole.

One of the joys of life that is simple and yet wonderful, but often overlooked for "more important things" is BIG hair. I know you're probably all thinking Afro puffs and dreadlocks or even Goldilocks. Well, I'm being more general. More basic. More obvious. I love big hair.

I know many of you women have discovered, after cutting all your hair off, that you are no longer referred to as "hot" or "beautiful" but rather as "cute." And in my mind...rightly so. The only ladies that can pull off the no-to little hair look are cancer patients and Halle Berry. For the rest of you, keep your beautiful cascading locks of loveliness. If it's too much for you to handle, and you wish you had been born a boy, so you wouldn't have to be the object of ridicule or the Goddess of Pantene Pro-V or Herbal Essence shampoo, tough luck.

Flowing locks though, do not have to be just for women however. Remember Duncan McLeod? The Scottish Highlanders are famous for their big hair. And guess, what?! I am one. So I am allowed, and should even be encouraged to grow my coiffeur even longer. That being said, let us remember Fabio. I can't believe it's not butter, and I can't believe you still haven't cut your hair after all of these years. Remember how he was riding a roller coaster at an amusement park and got hit in the face by a goose? That was a great story. But his hair saved him. It always did. It took the attention away from his squashed face and put it on his gorgeously conditioned golden locks.

You might ask yourself, what brought this post on? Well, yesterday I was transfixed when I saw a big haired Goddess walking down the street. I felt it only right to pay tribute.

Monday, May 12, 2008

You want disdain? I’ll give you disdain. Let me tell you about tonight. There I was on my couch watching the Red Sox lose to the Twins in Minnesota, and the Celtics were playing the Cavs in Cleveland. I had to mute the games, because I had guests over, and I had to mute myself because I’m pretty loud, offensive and outright vitriolic when it comes to sports, especially when my team is tanking. So, fortunately my team tanked after the guests left. And then I let the expletives fly. It was somewhat cathartic, and perhaps it will actually bring about a win for game five, because game 4 is already gone.

So let me rail into Cleveland, Ohio and it’s surroundings. Bear in mind that I do this in anger and as a knee jerk reaction, and shortly I will feel much different. But for now let’s face the facts; Ohio is worthless. Ohio State has been able to play a useless BCS system like a dirty hoedown fiddle for the past couple of years, get to the title game and choke. And choke hard, losing by ridiculous margins to both Florida and this year to LSU. Now let’s couple that pitiful performance with the Bengals. They suck. Hard. And there isn’t much commentary necessary for them or their MLB affiliates in Cincinnati, the Reds. The Browns are mediocre. All Ohio has is the Cavs. And they lost in the finals last year. So I guess Ohio can aspire only to be perennial losers. The last decent golfer to come out of Ohio was Nicklaus. Hats off to him. Tiger is better. And, Tiger has his own Gatorade named after him.

Now let’s talk about geography. Ohio is land-locked, and lakes don’t count. It has no mountains. Those are two very important things to me. Elevation and beaches. Even Massachusetts has mountains and beaches (Conclusion: Massachusetts is better). To be honest, it’s not even close. Sure, maybe they can buy corn cheaper, and get to be a ‘swing state’ in elections, but Ohio is just a fallow lot of useless trailer trash. Not the kind of trailer trash that become Hip Hop stars like Michigan’s Eminem, but the kind that has 3 teeth and smokes 10 packs a day. I guess it puts hair on your chest, but for the ladies, that’s just wrong. Ohio, I salute your ineptitude. I hold out no hope for you. You will lose to the Celtics, and will not win a Super bowl for another 50 years, if you’re lucky. Sandusky and Sea World are the only high points (still no mountains). And I would rather be mute, deaf and dumb in California than live in Ohio.

Spring. What a misleading word for such a muddled and ambiguous time of year. In the spring it's not always particularly warm, and it rains a lot. I like rain. But it's not warm rain. It's cold rain, and for a couple of days this May at least, it was snow. I mean, it didn't stick, but it was not as pleasant as some springs I remember back in the day. Before global cooling.

That's right friends. Sound the alarm. This is our new crusade. Global cooling. If it weren't for all of our potato, fast-food eating and overall flatulence and gas guzzling, we would be even closer to the precipice of the next ice age. But, fortunately, the more greenhouse gas we can contribute, the better. That's the only thing saving us from a catastrophic global freeze.

Solar activity has been at a near standstill for several months now, and if it continues much longer, we're in deep doo doo. So I encourage you all to drive more, burn mountains of tires in your backyard, start a cattle farm and eat more potatoes and fast food. At least then, just maybe spring will have a little more bounce in it. Maybe, just maybe it will be a pleasant 70 degree day, rather than 30s and 40s and overcast with a chance of snow. If you aren't worried about global cooling, you hate the environment. End of story.

Sunday, May 11, 2008

There is a time and place for subjectivity. This blog is one such place. But today I will be anything but subjective. I'll just be honest. My mom is the best mom who has ever lived and will ever live. Don't argue. It's just the way it is. You might think to yourselves that your mom is better, but if we are in the 'truth zone,' or the land of objectivity, you know in your heart that you're wrong, and I'm right. Sorry, that's life. Some people just get nicer things, a better life, or in my case, the best mom.

Why is she the best? Well, I could make a long list like everyone else does on mother's day, but for a mom who has already attained perfection, there is little I could say or do that would make it any more real and glorious to have her around. The words I could write and the words I could say would not do the reality that is my mom justice. Let me just allow you all to be jealous. Imagine if you will, a utopian world and a perfect family. My mom would be the head of that family. That's right. Happy mother's day mom.

Self-Aggrandizing Photo

Michael Powers

About the Author

Michael Powers is a fairly cultured American with an eye for seriousness, but willing to entertain the occasional dabble into the surreal and the inane. His writing focuses on news, random stories, politics, and social issues with his own brand of cynicism, but always with a humorous or optimistic outlook.