Where there's never an unspoken adorable thought.

The Unfriending Exit Interview

Hello! You’ve unfriended me and now that I’m over the “Screw you! I didn’t even like you that much in high school!” phase, I’d really like to improve myself. But I need your help. So — please — let me know how I can make myself a better Facebook friend by completing this brief exit interview survey.

Please note, you will NOT be entered into a drawing for a free iPad mini by completing this survey. But, I will consider sending you a Kotex ™ mini pad if you choose to participate. Thank you for your time!

First of all, when did you become a humorless asshole?

a. I’ve always been a humorless asshole.

b. Oh, I’d say — I don’t know — in the last 1 to 5 years, I’ve become a humorless asshole.

c. Probably as soon as I bought that big, black Mercedes SUV is when I became a humorless asshole.

Instinct tells me that you may have a problem with my pro-abortion posts. Which answer best describes your attitude if I were to get pregnant again (at age 47)?

a. Even if that baby would kill you (which, based on your last delivery, it probably would), I would like you to carry it to term.

b. You and your husband should talk to me about any decision you make.

c. I’m kind of like the mother in the movie “Carrie.”

Which of these statements best describes your attitude toward the quantity of my posts?

a. Out of control.

b. Interfered with updates from my other friends.

c. I like pictures!

Many of the people who unfriend me are conservative. How would you describe your politics?

a. I had a photo of Ronald Reagan on my bureau in college.

b. Okay, I had a photo of Ronald Reagan on my bureau and I masturbated to his image.

c. This survey is hard!

As a bonus question, please answer true or false:

I will not feel any awkwardness about seeing you at our 30th reunion because I will be so fucking wasted I won’t even notice that you’re there! CLASS OF 1984 RULES!!!