Hugh McSpree's •//h?o4~/-*o?%~/}h?/%~/-h?o4•/}j?/% • •, j=n5• j5 • • +o4• j5j5•|?j?/ • / *%*%+/' *% +/'*//!+/'"//!/ *//% / ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, | THE ANGEL OF THE NORTH It is a well known fact that The North runs solely on clockwork - from the parsley mills, to the Parkin mines. After the original key was ~} lost during a well dressing ||||~}|||| ceremony, Anthony Gormley £//••••//£ was asked to make a new one. •• k7 Every St Swithen's day, the new j5 key is ceremoniously turned by a j5 gathering of dignitaries clad ••••••}||tp in traditional dress. pppp •••••••••••••|pp pp||•••••• •••••••••••••••••||p0 pp|•••••••••••• Next time: Donald Trump's roller skates

•£}"•!~£-jw3j5 j5 hw{4ohw3 x~•}|p • •_•0or•jupjupjupj5j5 _p? n••g~•/}0 ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,$ jw•{5 "ot •p/"•!£•£h7+$•p•jw3j7k4 *w/{% x' • •_•0 • *ux$• •jupj5j5 "£! ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,$ I'm Nigella Farage, curious spawn of well-known prattle-monger Nigel. I have a kitchen, and I have to make several gallons of gravy for daddy's train which he likes to moan about until he goes pink in the face.

So I always give him his gravy in a
boat, and he laps it up like a hungry
cat. I don't know why the boat is good,
and the train is bad, but that's daddy.

Next week, we have Mr Junker round for
tea, and I'll be making him a thin
consumme out of an anemic chicken.
That'll teach him.

x||x0 ~£$~£4• 5•s! ~£$•s!k7h7£ "•!k7 • _||||t or5op%op%•p0 or5•p0j5_r9 _•0j5 s gh41|b% Half-fish, half-frog Michael *||y|> Gove here! I'm the Government's jwtpv• expert on experting! I know all {=9•1 you need to know, and less! ./*/*/- ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, Why waste your time looking stuff up, or asking someone who knows, for an answer, when you can get it all from a friend in a pub?

Or if, like me, you have no friends, then MAKE ONE UP! That's what I do, and I almost became leader of the Tories!

Anyway, that's enough from me. I'm off to collect a million pounds for my "expert" opinion in the papers!

I love my life. I live in a bowl full of water, and Sarah Vine feeds me!

x•}{t My name is Nigel Farage, DJ j<•l5 and the people's moaner! o•/•? I'm going to break open the "m•>! secrets about the EU that they x•i•t don't want you to know!
Have you noticed how mirrors can make
it look like there are more people
than there really are? I have, and it's
outrageous.

They should ban mirrors. That way, we will find out how many people there really are. I bet it's not seven billion. More like 100,001.

The country is full. FULL OF MIRRORS!
Probably made by faceless eurocrats to
make us pay benefits to the French!

I was making my way down Jorick Avenue,
when the butcher ran out screaming. He
informed me that he has inadvertently
sat on his bacon slicer.

He told me that he had got a little
behind on his orders. I immediately
arrested him and charged him with
wasting police time. He paid his black
pudding and faggot fines very swiftly. ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

The Naming of Craps is a difficult matter,
It isn’t just one of your toilety games;
You may think at first I’m as mad as a Crapper
When I tell you, a Crap must have THREE DIFFERENT NAMES.
First of all, there’s the name that the family use daily,
Such as PooPoo, Plop-Plop, Shitty or Turd,
Such as Shite or Excrement, Dump, or Number Two–
All of them sensible everyday names.
There are fancier names if you think they sound sweeter,
Some for the gentlemen, some for the dames:
Such as Feces, Excrement, Stool, Feculence–
But all of them sensible everyday names.
But I tell you, a Crap needs a name that’s particular,
A name that’s peculiar, and more dignified,
Else how can he keep up his crimp end perpendicular,
Or spread out his liquids, or cherish his pride?
Of names of this kind, I can give you a quorum,
Such as Excreta, Ejecta, or Excrement,
Such as Evacuation, or else Jellydrop-drop-
Names that never belong to more than one crap.
But above and beyond there’s still one name left over,
And that is the name that you never will guess;
The name that no human research can discover–
But THE CRAP HIMSELF KNOWS, and will never confess.
When you notice a crap in profound putrification,
The reason, I tell you, is always the same:
His mind is engaged in a rapt contemplation
Of the thought, of the thought, of the thought of his name:
His ineffable effable
Effanineffable
Deeply dripping singular Name.