Saturday, June 9, 2012

I crashed a little later than usual, somewhere around 12:00 AM I think, not having to work today really helped in the decision to stay up. I slept well for the most part, and when I woke up this morning that’s when I noticed that something wasn’t right. I got up and went to the computer desk and sunk down in my tired old chair and just let my eyes become focused in the dim morning light- but somehow or another, I forgot to locate the TV remote before I became comfortable. It was sitting on the stand about 7 feet away, just a bit out of reach.

So I closed my eyes tightly, I concentrated on the TV remote, I pictured it rising into the air and floating into my hand, I focused all of my energy, all of my love, all of my hate, I almost gave myself a headache I was concentrating so much. I waved my hand back and forth several times- but when I re-opened my eyes to see the remote, the prick was just sitting there, silently mocking my Jedi mind powers. Prick. After all failed attempts- I turned my attention to the kitchen. I pictured in my mind- used coffee grounds gently floating through the air, the trash receptacle opened and the grounds went in and fell harmlessly to the bottom.

I turned my attention to the cupboard, I saw the door open, the fresh coffee filter floated through the air- followed by three scoops of fresh grounds. The water turned on, the pot itself precariously perched underneath the spout to eagerly accept the cool delicious bounty from the faucet. And upon reception, it floated back to the coffee maker and poured it in before returning to its original position. I saw the light come on, ahhh I was moments away from sweet, dark, delicious coffee. I slowly sat back in my chair anxiously awaiting the sweet aroma to begin licking at my nostrils. What? Nothing? Hmmmm. Anytime now- sweet delicious aroma. You may begin licking at my nostrils at will. Moments passed before I began to suspect that something may be amiss here.

Slowly I pulled myself from the chair and stumbled into the kitchen, and there it sat, unmoved, unchanged, still unplugged from the night before- the coffee maker was still sleeping. I opened the lid and the coffee grounds were still there from the last time. Cursing to myself, ever so softly- as to not awaken my neighbors so early in the morning, I decided to take it upon myself to make my own damn coffee. Which I did, I decided to carry myself back to the chair- which I did. I sat down, realized that I still didn’t have the remote, got back up, walked over to the stand, retrieved the remote, walked back to the chair, sat back down and turned on the television. I made my own coffee, had to get up and get the remote, and it seems very likely that I will have to make my own damn breakfast too. Unless I go out to get a breakfast burrito at Carl’s Jr. or something. Screw it, I'm done for the rest of the morning. Sometimes the force just ain’t what it’s cracked up to be.

Monday, June 4, 2012

Why do people talk to themselves? Well I can’t speak for anyone else; but I know why I do it. It’s usually a phenomenon that occurs right after I catch myself doing something stupid, dumb or embarrassing. Or truth be told, a combination of all three.

“Why did you do that? That was really dumb. People are staring at you now. Are you happy now you big dummy?”

And sure enough I’ll stop to look around and there are at least two or three people staring at me like I have something really slimy and disgusting trying to claw its way out of my forehead. I don’t, but I can just tell, they think I’m a loon.

Sometimes it isn’t as simple as doing something silly or embarrassing in public; sometimes I catch myself having an entire conversation with myself.

“Soooo, what are you making for dinner tonight?”

“Well Self- I thought that perhaps I would try the lemon pepper chicken recipe that I found on the internet last night, maybe some mac and cheese with brussel sprouts or broccoli on the side.”

The truth is whether or not they admit it, there are a lot of people that talk to themselves. For different reasons of course, reasons that may sound rational to you, but when someone catches you doing it, you just come off as a crazy person. You have to try to rationalize it, justify it somehow, some way, so somebody watching doesn’t call in the guys with the butterfly nets. There’s always the ol, “Oh don’t mind me, I was just thinking out loud.”

The best response is don’t even try to explain away, no answer you give is going to make you sound sane.They always react the same way.

“Sure, sure, well I’ll just leave you two alone now to work this out.”

“No really- don’t look at me like that, I’m not crazy.”

“Uh huh.. Suuuurrrre.”

“I just have some unresolved issues, stemming from a traumatized childhood.”