Tuesday, August 2, 2011

I Got 99 Problems, But Only 4 Have Been Kind of a Bitch Lately

1. Lose 30 lbs.
2. Get the clean laundry out of my dining room and into my closets
3. Get laid more regularly
4. Get my kids to go the fuck to sleep at 8pm

*Note: Numbers 3 and 4 actually have nothing to do with each other. (Number 1 could probably help with Number 3.)

I'm 26, so my list should probably include other stuff, like owning a home, visiting Europe, getting married, retiring before death, etc. Honestly, though, if a genie showed up in my apartment RIGHT NOW, and for whatever reason offered me 4 wishes instead of the standard 3, those would be my top picks.

If the genie was a stingy bitch, and only offered 1 wish, I'd pick Number 4. The biggest parenting issue I've had lately has been finding an effective bedtime strategy. James and Cece share a room, so they've formed a rebel alliance. James sleeps in a bed (versus a crib, if you were wondering, which is biggest mistake I've ever made), and gets up whenever he wants. Cece's limited to the confines of her crib, so she just screams. We live in an apartment building, so I can't ignore it; I always end up back in their room, begging Cece to be quiet. I sometimes bribe her with Goldfish. She uses my fear of eviction to her advantage.

I thought that hanging this above her crib would help.

It did not.

﻿I implemented the strict bedtime policy back in March, when we moved into our apartment. My kids have actually both gone to sleep by 8pm approx. zero times since then. It's August, so that's like, 8 months of failure. I put them to bed 26-27 nights per month, so do the math (because I'm too tired). I've googled bedtime tips, but all I've found is a lot of common fucking sense that I've obviously already tried. The only thing I've found that's worth sharing is this link. For those of you who aren't curious enough to check it out, I'll cut to the chase: it's Samuel L. Jackson's reading of the book Go the F**k to Sleep, by Ricardo Cortes.

It's now 9:25, and I can hear James playing in his room. At 8:45, I threatened to throw away his lamp if he got out of bed again. (Yeah, pathetic, I'm aware.) I'm going to pretend I can't hear him to get myself out of that trap.