BrewTender Beer Tower Review – Six Years Later

Where to begin? I guess I’ll start with the fact that I was supposed to write this post in August 2010. It’s now December 2016.

The guys over at Tavern Toys sent me their BrewTender Beer Tower under the assumption that I’d give it a whirl and write a tidy little review. Guess we all know what they got for assuming…six years of waiting and the sad parts of my dearly departed memories of the BrewTender.

Now I’m not one to turn down free stuff. So I did, in fact, agree to write the review. And as a man of my word, by God, I’m going to write this review. Six years late.

The Review

From what I can remember, I set this giant penis pump down on my kitchen counter and remarked, out loud, how much more useful it would have been as the world’s largest blender. But this was not the world’s most epic blender. Blenders are for margaritas. The BrewTender is for beer. Clearly different animals. I decided to invite my buddy Dustin over to check it out with me. [Editor’s Note: Dustin has since moved to Texas, pursued a different career track and may or may not be married. Dustin, if you read this, follow a brother back on IG].

According to the outside of the box, the thing held 80 ounces of beer—or approximately one James pregame session. So the first thing Dustin and I did was head to Bold City Brewery where we filled up a couple of growlers with Duke’s Brown Ale. Once back to my place, we set one of the growlers on the counter (my baby bachelor fridge couldn’t comfortably fit either growler) poured a couple of drinks directly from the other growler and then topped off the BrewTender.

Now, I remember being mostly unimpressed with the concept of the BrewTender—fill it up, switch on its built-in light, and there it is. Your beer of choice glowing like a lava lamp stuck inside a giant penis pump. Sure, it had the somewhat convenient rotating base and fun, but gimmicky pour tab. But still, why couldn’t it be a giant blender?

We didn’t discover the real value of the BrewTender until we we had our first sip of beer. You see, the growler we poured from was not cold. And unless I managed to wedge it into my baby bachelor fridge and wait several hours, it was going to remain that way.

That’s when Dustin discovered the BrewTender’s MVBC (most valuable beer contribution). The damn thing had a removable ice chamber. We filled it, threw it into the giant penis pump, poured in the rest of our growler’s contents and, boom, beer as cold as your ex-girlfriend’s heart.

Closing Thoughts

I don’t remember much else from that night. But I do remember that for the next six months my apartment remained devoid of warm beer. Eventually, I moved to a place with a fridge that could fit two growlers no problem. I think it was during this time I regifted the Brewtender. Maybe I gave it to Dustin as a moving present.

Either way, here’s to hoping, in another six years, we are all remembered as fondly as the BrewTender.