Friday, February 3, 2017

Im being warded again
The sugar haywire
I didnt eat much, but still, its haywire
I became less responsive, unable to wake up from sleep, when they found me. They resus me.
I donno, how far did they know, the things that i try to make a secret
How can i love others
How can i give empathy to others
How can i treat others
When i dont like myself
I dont like what i've become
Its unfair
Unfair
Unfair
So many things happen
All to me
And u want me to be grateful?
Grateful for what!
Its unfair
Unfair! Unfair!
Its unfair what u give to me!
I will never be grateful
U think im superwoman
Im far from it
Its funny isnt?
Look me suffer alone, this way
Funny isnt?
N somehow, im not even a good person
They all lead a normal life
Just a little heartbreak
Here and there
But at least they are normal
Y all to me?
I just dont understand Y?
Kill me 1 shot
Erase me forever in this world
But dont make my parents sad!
Y am i even born in this world
W.H.Y

Wednesday, October 12, 2016

I want to learn new things
I want to study, to become a specialist
I want to be a good doctor
I want to go for exercise
I want to go for vacation, where at nite, im enjoying the pasar malam view
I want to laugh like before
I miss my friend
I miss the circle of people i use to have
I miss who i use to be
I wanna change
But
I need to have motivation
Thats the thing
I have none
Im feeling depressed
I feel like quitting
Rather than improving
I feel like running away
Rather than moving forward
I feel like hating everybody
Hating myself more and more everyday
Hating the environment
Rather than seeing the good in every aspect of life
I just wanna escape
I need to take a break
I wanna run away

Tuesday, October 11, 2016

Im at my lowest point rite now. I feel the depression. Not in the mood to work. I wanna quit. I hve no motivation in life. I just want to quit. I dont wanna be a doctor. No more excitement in doing this job. I wanna quit. I just hate everyone. I hate this hospital. Can i quit?

Sunday, April 26, 2015

I've been drinking green tea for the past..... 4 days *lol*... but the thing is, every time I consumed green tea, I will have the worst hypo symptom ever. as u all know, I'm having type 1 diabetes and it was so frequent that I have the hypo attack compared to hyper since being diagnosed in February 2015. and whenever i'm having hypo, i'm gonna correct with A LOT of food or drinks or anything that available in the fridge and it is actually so dangerous as my blood sugar gonna be sooo haywire.

and green tea seems to make my hypo worsen. last night, i'm doing work out, like usual. and in between the work out, instead of drinking plain water, i'm taking green tea to re-hydrate myself. u know what happen next? i'm waking up at 6 am with the worst hypo symptom ever. after getting up, 50% of my vision consist of light and i cannot walk straight and my head was so light that i feels like i'm flying. so i grab anything in the fridge and eat while sitting on the floor.

Today, i reduced my insulin dose to 6 unit during lunch and dinner. because i'm always having hypo 2 hours after lunch and dinner...and in addition, i also drink green tea...and u know what, i'm still having hypo. and the most weird thing is that, i didn't reduce the dose of insulin for breakfast but i drink green tea. i've never been hypo 2 hours after breakfast (i dont know why) but after taking green tea, this is the first time i'm having hypo 2 hours after breakfast...

so i've been thinking, is it true that green tea worsen my hypo symptoms? hmmm..i've no idea actually...but one thing for sure, for now i will keep drinking green tea as it is so good to my body. it is one way of detoxification and in long term, it can prevent cancer. so why should i stop? :)

Thursday, April 23, 2015

As I said before, I only write when I'm sad/ got nothing to do. So people, please. Forgive my emotional roller coaster. Okay, previous post just shows how bad me as a muslim. I shouldn't say things like *f*** this life right?. Yeah. I know it. I was wrong. And as a person with type 1 diabetes, there's a time in a day where ur emotion gonna be so ridiculous that u just want to put the blame on anyone. N because of this uncontrolled emotion, currently I'm having a fight with dekli. Ok so funny.

i got this pic from canadiandiabetic instagram

And the next day, u will be soo neutral that all the pain that u feels before has gone. Yeah. Like totally gone. No more pain. No more sadness n u just happy with the way u are. N if in future, u got a friend with type 1 diabetes, just bear with him/ her whenever the emotion is off. *whoa, sounds like a vampire isn't it*

Its totally not ok if I'm questioning everything that happen in my life but believe me, its not permanent. It's just part of my ridiculous emotion and yeah, even with that, I shouldn't put the blame on God for whatever happen right. Ok, it's a lesson to me. I really need an anger management.

And I want to share something, exercise really help me. If u exercise, u will get a lot of benefits. At first, the reason for me to exercise is just part of my lifestyle modification after being diagnosed with type 1 diabetes. But then, after a few weeks of intense exercise, I could feel something good. The feeling is good even the body is suffering. I got body ache all over. But with time, all the ache will go away, good feeling remain and perfect body will follow. Some people may think, even with exercise, why my body still got no changes? Relax. There's a saying " how can u see the changes only after few weeks of exercising for the body u have made for 20 years" something like that la. N exercise release endorphin that much needed by people like me. So, what are u waiting for, move ur ass n go to exercise. At least 30 minutes per day! Come on, u can do it. U will feel soooo much better. Believe me.

And please, don't eat garbage. Or else, u will end up getting type 2 diabetes. Type 1 is okay because the pancreas is the culprit. As for type 2, u r the culprit to ur own body. kah kah. Eat less junkfood, can drink like coca cola and anything that u consider as garbage. Come on, love ur body and do justice to ur body. U want to use it in a long term. No more burger at night. No more carbonated drink, no more kfc or mcd, no more sweet drinks. If it is not possible, just try to reduce the intake. U can do it!

If possible, do not make urself having all the famous disease like diabetes, hypertension, hypercholestrolemia.

"Do something now, and u will be satisfied in the future. U do nothing, u will be suffering tomorrow, .....not literally" ok people, good nightand always find something that make u feel so good to ur ownself. as for me, currently i'm addicted with workout but eat clean, it is so hard. at least i'm trying by not eating garbage. night :)

Sunday, April 19, 2015

firstly, i need to warn those who read my blog, it will mostly about my emotional roller coaster. because, i'm gonna have the willing to write on my blog whenever i feel sad or when i'm totally bored or when i'm so much angry to someone.

baru balik dari Krabi. and got the news that all my beloved kittens dah kena buang sebab kencing merata. the whole day aku nanges. makanan diorg, susu diorg, shampoo diorang ada lagi.n aku keep thinking about them. selalu diorg main2, teman aku waktu aku bosan sorang2 kat rumah..i can watch them the whole day without getting bored, and by just look at them, i think i really can reduce my stress. i'm so sad right now. so so so sad.

even when typing this post, i'm crying like crazy. can i say, while staying at home, 50% of my photo gallery was occupies by buluk junior and those huskies huskies. but u know what is the saddest part, i am totally helpless. i cant ask them, kat mana diorg buang kucing aku. the words just wont come out. and i ask jiji "kucing mana?" and then the tears keep coming. i just cannot be alone or do nothing as it will cause me to cry non stop.

sedih ni, buat aku question balik all the things that happen to me.

sedih ni, buat aku tanya, kenapa aku kena sentiasa rasa sedih.

sedih ni, buat aku rindu arwah adik.

sedih ni, entahlah, rasa macam dah x boleh tahan dah.

i got no one to talk to.

i only got my kittens to relieve all the pain. but then, they are all gone. all gone without me saying goodbye.

there's so many painful things that happen in my life,and this lost is just one of it. but i can't tell the others. why? because it will makes me weak,

there's so many things happen in this 5 years. so many and its unfair. unfair to put the burden on me alone. the burden that can be distribute to 3 peoples, but i face it alone. i dont know how to share with others. i dont know how to cry my problem out and share with people, even my besties. i just cannot share all the problems. because i dont know how.

that's why i love to write on diary or blog or notes in the handphone whenever i feel something wrong with my life.

that's why i need my kittens to share my problem. i admit it, i hate big cat because i think they can manage their own life. that's why i love tommy more, compared to kepsi. and when tommy died, i cry like crazy. but i pretend to sleep, and this is the untold story of mine. it is painful to see a kitten suffer. they cannot take care of themselves and it's unfair to let kittens begging for food. it is unfair.

but what can i do. i have no more company whenever i'm home alone. just like before. and i always said to myself: FUCK THIS LIFE!