Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Hope everyone had a wonderful xmas or holidays. I had a great xmas day and loving being on holidays. I haven't been to the gym in about 3, maybe even 4 weeks but I kind of don't care which isn't too good but once I am back from my little 4 day coast trip it is straight back into it.

I have an appointment with my surgeon on the 7th which I am dreading but oh well. No idea whether I should get a fill or not but will talk to him on the day.

I have had so much booze the past few weeks I am kind of looking forward to NYE being over and being sober.

I also bought a sarong and cute little beach skirt to go swimming in (since I can't find my boardies, which I think don't fit anyway...so if I am game I might posts some pics with my new camera :-D)

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

So I bought a new blouse yesterday and was a little sure whether I could pull it off but I wore it today and decided I need to at least try to flaunt itif I am going to wear it and I am SO glad I did.

I had so many wonderful comments and one lady in particular told me I looked like some 50's glamour puss.. ahh I love her haha. Anyway I thought I should post some pics because I know some bigger girls feel like they can't carry off "nice / special" clothing and don't make a lot of effort (I have those days) but its the days when I make a lot of effort I feel good. And just because we're bigger doesn't mean we can't look good.

Just ignore the mess and my hair - I swear it was straight and shiny this morning, 14 hours ago!

Monday, December 21, 2009

1. I am going to lose a minimum of 2 kg every month by:- Exercising whenever I can (at least 4 times a week)- Keeping a food journal- Eating more fruit & vegetables everyday

2. I am going to save enough money to buy a house or travel overseas by:- Bringing my lunch to work 9 times a fortnight- Cutting back on morning coffee – only buy on Monday, Wednesday & Friday (then eventually Monday & Friday only)- Following a weekly dinner menu- Only buying clothes if I have the money in my normal account – no credit card purchases- Moving any left-over fortnightly pay to paying off my loan

3. I am going to learn and incorporate meditation into my life by:- Read a book about meditation by 25 January 2010- Attend a free workshop in January- Start practising meditation/quiet time at least once a week

4. I will become more positive by:- Writing in my gratitude journal every day (3 entries)- Focus on putting positive thoughts into the universe – working on CBT

The past few days have been pretty busy with work, BFs birthday & Christmas shopping (all done, I think...) but I’ve somehow managed to sit down and really think about some New Years Resolutions and whether in fact I was going to make any. Every year I make the “lose weight” resolution but never sit down and work out how I am going to do it. Well I found a great article about NYR (new year resolutions) and how to make good NYR which you will be able to stick to. So here are her tips...

1. Ask: “What would make me happier?” It might having more of something good – more fun with friends, more time for a hobby. It might be less of something bad – less yelling at your kids, less nagging of your spouse. It might be fixing something that doesn’t feel right – more time spent volunteering, more time doing something to make someone else happier.

2. Ask: “What is a concrete action that would bring about change?” One common problem is that people make abstract resolutions, which are hard to keep. “Be more optimistic,” “Find more joy in life,” “Enjoy now,” are resolutions that are hard to measure and therefore difficult to keep. Instead, look for a specific, measurable action. “Distract myself with fun music when I’m feeling gloomy,” “Watch at least one movie each week,” “Buy a lovely plant for my desk” are resolutions that will carry you toward those abstract goals.

3. Ask: “Am I a ‘yes’ resolver or a ‘no’ resolver?” Some people resent negative resolutions. They dislike hearing “don’t” or “stop” or adding to their list of chores. If this describes you, try to find positive resolutions: “Take that dance class,” “Have lunch with a friend once a week.” Or maybe you respond well to “no.” That’s my situation. A lot of my resolutions are aimed at getting me to stop doing something or to do something I don’t really want to do. There’s no right way to make a resolution, but it’s important to know what works for you. As always, the secret is to know your own nature.

4. Ask: “Am I starting small enough?” Many people make super-ambitious resolutions and then drop them, feeling defeated, before January is over. Start small! We tend to over-estimate what we can do over a short time and under-estimate what we can do over a long time, if we make consistent, small steps. If you’re going to resolve to start exercising (one of the most popular resolutions), don’t resolve to go to the gym for an hour every day before work. Start by going for a ten-minute walk at lunch or marching in place once a day during the commercial breaks in your favorite TV show. Little accomplishments provide energy for bigger challenges. Push yourself too hard and you may screech to a halt.

5. Ask: “How am I going to hold myself accountable?” Accountability is the secret to sticking to resolutions. That’s why groups like AA and Weight Watchers are effective, and there are many ways to hold yourself accountable. Accountability is why #2 is so important. If your resolution is too vague, it’s hard to measure whether you’ve been keeping it. A resolution to “Eat healthier” is harder to track than “Eat salad for lunch three times a week.”

So after reading her tips I made my resolutions and a plan for each one which I will post in a separate post.

I actually feel optimistic about my resolutions and believe I can do it  (and I won’t lie, there is a little grey cloud trying to hang around but I am doing my best to tell him to buzz off).

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

So since my quite off-putting vent yesterday, I have had a lot of time to re-think and evaluate myself and my current life. I’ve said it numerous times before I am sure, but I don’t want the band to lead my life yet it is. I feel that since the band I am more self-conscious, self-critical and unhappy about myself (umm could I say self enough?).I’ve started to think that blogging solely about the band may in fact be a little detrimental to my mental sanity. There is so much more in my life that I need to focus on and being skinny may not make me happy and more importantly, I shouldn’t let being skinny or not define my happiness (and let’s face it, being skinny could be a little while off). So I am going to try to steer my blog in a different direction and it will be a mixture of every-day life, happiness, the band and who knows, I might just go back to blogging about the band only - we'll see how long this happiness thing lasts.

Well 2010 is not far around the corner and I think I might make some resolutions, goals, dreams – whatever you want to call them – and do them.I have also devised my own Personal 10 Commandments which I have printed and placed on my visualisation board (which will be getting a makeover during my holidays and I will take some photos of). So ladies and gentlemen, I present to you my Personal 10 Commandments....

1. Be Myself & Love MyselfOkay so this is a fairly obvious, unoriginal commandment but I think it will be one of the hardest. Just as I must “Be Myself” and accept myself, strengths and weaknesses both, I must also accept everyone around me. I need to appreciate what I have, who I am and focus on the good things.

2. Do or Do NotNo more procrastinating, beating myself up or being unsure of myself. I will do something or I won’t.

3. Act How I Want To FeelMost people probably think they do this already but I know personally, I actually tend to feel because of how I acted e.g. I feel guilty because I haven’t been to the gym. So the only way to feel non-guilty is to actually act and go to the gym. I feel unattractive in what I am wearing (firstly put something on you feel semi-decent in at least) and then act as if you are the hottest thing to walk planet earth since sliced bread. Eventually your feelings will catch up to your actions and you will feel hot and better about yourself.

4. Identify The ProblemIf there is a problem or something I am not happy with I need to identify what it is and find the solution e.g. Problem: Weight; Solution: Exercise and eat better. This is a long-term problem but it I think is a good example because it leads me to Act How I Want To Feel – if I want to feel better about my weight I need to act upon it and do something about it, which then leads to Do or Do Not – do go to the gym or don’t and that then leads to Love Myself – no matter if I choose the gym or not, I need to accept my choice, appreciate myself and focus on something positive.

5. Remain PositiveNo matter how bad I think it might be – someone out there has it worse. I need to find a positive every day and remember to put positive out in to the universe.

6. Let It Go/Keep Moving ForwardSometimes I need to ask myself – In the long run will this matter? In the short run will this really matter? Things happen, mistakes are made and if I made it, learn from it , move on and let it go.

7. Don’t live in fearIf I am worried/scared about something I need to ask myself - what is the worst thing that could happen? Most likely nothing all that bad will actually happen so don’t let it stop you from doing something.

8. Does It Matter?Those who matter don’t mind and those who mind don’t matter. Who cares what the random person on the street thinks of me or how I look – they don’t matter to me.

9. CareTake care in myself, my house, my work and my life. Basically just look after myself and take some time out for me on a regular basis!

10. Do My BestI want to be able to look back at my life and know that I did my best in every aspect.

These are going to be a daily guide as to how I want to live my life and how I think will help better myself and my own negative thoughts. I think lots (if not all) of those commandments are easily transferrable to the band part of my life.

2010 is going to be my year. My BF & I have our house for the whole year and there is nothing I can see that can really get in the way (like trying to find a job, moving house etc). 2010 will be a hard-work year. Working on losing weight, saving money and being happy. But that’s okay because it will be worth it and 2011 will be the reward year hehe.

xo

Amy – I don’t have scales at my house so I’m not exactly sure what I weigh at the moment but I started off 237.8 pounds (107.9kg) and 2 weeks ago I weighed 212.7 pounds (96.5kg) so that is a loss of 25 pounds in 1 year.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Pre-preface(2.34pm) – So again I took some time away from this post and during my lunch break went shopping.
Firstly I saw a girl with some burns all over her arm and I instantly realised I don’t have it that bad. I saw people who were bigger than me, shorter than me and different to me. I also tried on some clothes which I felt good in and didn’t care about the size (too much, it still annoys me that in one brand I am a size 14 but in another I could be a size 18?!). Anyways my mood lifted a little and I need to focus on the fact that I’m really not that bad and sometimes in the right light and fabric I can look half-decent, even pretty ha ha.

Preface (12.45pm) – okay peeps, I wrote this at work a few hours ago, let it breathe and have now come back to review it. Umm wowsers it is a little all over the place and slightly depressing and I wasn’t going to post it but I decided I will. Majority of the blogs I read are all wonderful uplifting and inspiring stories about the band and the people are amazing and seem to have so much motivation but I realised this is my blog, my band, my story and it’s not all rainbows and unicorns. I don’t love my band and that’s okay because it’s the truth. Anyway... read at your own risk :-)

11.30am
The past two weeks have been a bit of a struggle. I find when I am sick I now either eat nothing or eat everything and last week I seemed to eat everything (although when I really think about it, it was nothing compared to the amount I could have eaten pre-band) but there was lots of sugar, chocolate & alcohol (damn birthday).

And I can’t remember the last time I was at the gym or walked to work.

Plus my emotions have been a little crazy. I’ve just been feeling so down and overwhelmed the past few days I could just start crying whenever.

Oh this blog post is a mess. I feel like I am a mess. I really struggle with being positive and trying not to let me slow weight loss get to me but it really does in a big big way. Looking back my mind was never ready.

I didn’t go to any seminars or actually talk face-to-face with anyone just read the great wonderful fast weight-loss stories on the net and dreamt of being 60kg. Off to the Dr I go.

My Dr spent 10 mins with me, told me how I could be a size 8 and then gave me an op date and a discounted price (my mumushka works with him).

No psych consult. No shakes. No hesitations.

I then heard the not so great & fast weight-loss stories about people who had only lost 10kg over 3 years since banding or who have stayed the same (of course I don’t know what, when, how, why the eat etc but none of that matters in my head) and my mind instantly though “What if I fail at the band?”.

When I told my GP I was getting a band she questioned and suggested I try some medication before the band.

Hmm is this really for me?

The ward nurse (just before my op) didn’t believe me when I told her I was getting a band – she said I was too small.

Hmm is this really for me? What if I fail the band?

The theatre nurse in recovery just before my op asked me why I was getting a band when I didn’t need one.

What if I fail the band?

Then I wake up with a band and I am hungry hours later (logically of course I am going to be fucking hungry, I haven’t eaten or had any water for around 14 god damn hours!) – I’m already failing at the band.

Fail. Fail. Fail. Fail. Fail.

That’s all I seem to think about in regards to myself and the band, actually no myself in general but that’s a whole other story.

I know next week or even tomorrow my head will be okay and I also know that the weeks when I don’t think about it all, just do it are the weeks when I actually lose a decent amount but I am so sick of the yo-yo merry-go-round at the moment.

I’m going to book an appointment with my Dr for the new year and be open about how much I PB (almost every meal) and how some days I hate what is inside me and regret it and cry about it but I have it so help me (oh just realised I haven’t seen him in about 6 mths so he will probably be expecting me to be around 10kg lighter HAHAHA he will be disappointed).

Double fuck – it is 1year today year since banding and I am no-where, absolutely no-where close to my goal or how I imagined how I would feel.

No wonder I have been feeling shit the past few days, maybe subconsciously I was already aware of the looming “band-fucking-iversary”.I’m sorry to all the wonderful people who read my blog, who sometimes comment and are having a wonderful time with your bands – this is a pretty downer post. I envy you so much it hurts sometimes.

Okay its now 4.44pm and I am feeling a lot "I can do this but it just takes time and perhaps small steps" instead of "I hate myself, my band, I suck at everything and I'm still fat".I hope I haven't scared anyone.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Just a boring post today - I have nothing to talk about really but feel like I should post something.

Come down with some sort of throat/head cold this week so haven't exercised at all! So bad I know but I have no energy and my head feels like it is about to explode. As a result I really doubt I will make (or come close) to my NYE goal.

Oh well, I am slowly getting better at not beating myself up and maybe my style is 2 steps forward, 1 step back. So I am just dusting myself off and making sure that when I am stepping forward it is a mighty fierce hard step and when its backwards I am still doing my best at that point in time :-)

Its my birthday tomorrow and I am actually kind of excited, I HATE my own birthdays normally so hopefully it won't be too painful hehe.