The Man.

08/10/2012

Because I heart you, Muthoni. [Also, V-neck t-shirts are gay.]

Hey Muthoni,

Once in a while, I go out on an adventure. I set out into the dark, unknown depths of the interwebs, just to find something for you. Something special. Something unique. Something that I'm sure you'd enjoy for its rarity.

Yes, I know, we always suspected as much, you and I. And that's because you and I are among the clever lot. V-neck t-shirts on a man? C'mon. The very basis of the V-neck design is to allow us a V-iew of the more V-oracious aspects of the female physique.

Or, as they say in American: "V-necks are for us to look at boobies." [Although I do suspect that my American is rather weak. My English may have leaked through there.]

That explained, what would possess a fully grown man to wear a garment specifically designed to allow a teasing glimpse of that oh-so-heart-warming part of the female form?

But we both knew that.

Which brings us to the important bit.

Prepare yourself for this...

Ready? Sure? Because this will change your life...

So here it is:

The Government of Malasyia agrees with us!

Imagine that! Who ever imagined there'd exist a government in this lifetime that sees things our way? Ey?

So here's the deal: The Malaysian government has begun organizing seminars aimed at helping parents and teachers identify latent homosexuality in children. [Because, you know, prevention is better... Or it's good to catch the bug earlier... Or something of the sort.]

And one of the principal warning signs of said latent homosexuality? V-neck T-shirts.

Stop giggling Muthoni. I'm serious.

Malaysia's Deputy Education Minister Mohd Puad Zarkashi said this at a seminar last week Wednesday. Apparently, not many people understand or know the early "symptoms" of homosexuality, bisexuality and transgender inclinations and are therefore ill-equipped to prevent its spread.

Gay men have muscular bodies and like to show off by wearing V-neck and sleeveless clothes.

They prefer tight and light-coloured clothing.

They like to carry big handbags similar to those used by women.

So, Noni, ask yourself:

*cue ad voice*

Does your man have a muscular body? Does he like to show off his muscles by wearing V-necks and sleeveless clothes? Is his wardrobe largely light-coloured and tight? Does he have handbags, all of which are bigger than the ones you own? Then congratulations madam: What you have there is a limited edition gay boyfriend!

Other features of this limited edition gay boyfriend include:

The ability to clearly distinguish what colours you're wearing with Duracoat paint-chart accuracy

The ability to completely empathise with YOUR girlfriends

Many more unique and exciting features that vary from one model to the next

So make sure you keep yours safe today! Because you never know when one of your girlfriends may fall for his sensual charm!

["Girlfriends" here is a broad reference to both male and female.]

- A message brought to you by the government of Malaysia.

*end ad voice*

In short Noni, tell this to all your girlfriends: "You're not gay because you like men. You're gay because you wear a V-neck t-shirt."

Having mentioned boobies somewhere up there, I suspect I need to remind you that it is indeed boobies month. And I love boobies. And since the universe revolves around love [for boobies], have yours checked, yes? The universe thanks you.