Kelly: Hey, GabeGabe: hi kellyKelly: How’s it going?Gabe: pretty good, thanksGabe: how are you?!Gabe: how are you?!?!??!?!?!?!?!Gabe: r u ok?!Kelly: WHOA.Kelly: I’m fine!Kelly: Why, what’s up? Do you know something I don’t?Kelly: AM I NOT OK?Gabe: i think you’ll be fineGabe: don’t worry about itGabe: i’m sure it’s nothingKelly: But waitKelly: There IS something then? GABEGabe: NAHGabe: DON’T EVEN SWEAT ITKelly: Well, ok. I trust that you’d let me know if it were something I needed to know.Kelly: SoooooooooooooooooooooooooKelly: …Kelly: HAVE YOU SEEN KRISTEN STEWART’S BOOBS LATELY?

Gabe: sureGabe: probably?Gabe: i mean, i’m just going to assume that i haveGabe: i’m a grown man in america 2012Gabe: how could i not?Gabe: oh no wait!Gabe: is SHE ok? are her boobs OK?!Kelly: ARE THEY EVER!Kelly: There were pictures released a few days ago from Comic-Con in which she wore a yellow skirt and some sort of short white shirtGabe: right, “the pictures” we all knowKelly: And the public is just starting to realize that in those very photosKelly: Her boobsKelly: lookKelly: BIGGERGabe: WHAT?!Gabe: first of all, GET THE KIDS OUT OF THE ROOMGabe: and now DISHKelly: OK SO. A DOCTOR was quoted as saying, AND I QUOTEKelly:“Her breasts have gone from what looked like a large A cup to a large B cup.”Gabe: hahahahhaha, GOOD DOCTOR!Gabe: do you know if he’s accepting new patients?Kelly: He’s a Michigan-based plastic surgeon, so you might be in luckKelly: Also I know what you’re thinkingKelly: “Could this be the result of a new, state-of-the-art bra?”Kelly: WELL NO BECAUSE LOOK HE ALSO SAID THISKelly: “While this might be the result of a new, state-of-the-art bra, it’s most likely the result of a breast augmentation,”Kelly: Case closedGabe: i actually hate to have to be the one to say this
but that’s actually A TOTALLY DIFFERENT DOCTOR WHO SAID THATGabe: i feel like this is an important storyGabe: and we are journalistsGabe: so to get something like that wrong in our REPORTINGGabe: where you attribute two separate quotes to the same “source”Gabe: is just appallingGabe: and that’s whyGabe: you are firedKelly: No way, is it?Gabe: JESUS CHRIST YOU’RE DOUBLE FIREDKelly: OH DANG YOU’RE RIGHTKelly: The first one was actually New York City-based.Gabe: yesGabe: you’re seriously off the railsKelly: Ok, I’m fired! See you later!Gabe: you’re basically our generation’s JUDY MILLERGabe: go to jailKelly: Have fun talking about Kristen Stewart’s boobs YOURSELFGabe: I ALWAYS DOKelly: I’M SURE.Gabe: GOOD LUCK WITH WHATEVER YOU DO NEXTGabe: OBVIOUSLY I CANNOT WRITE YOU A LETTER OF RECOMMENDATIONGabe: “TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN, I CANNOT RECOMMEND THAT YOU DON’T HIRE KELLY STRONGLY ENOUGH.”Kelly: WELL FINE THAT’S JUST FINE THEN GABEKelly: I CANNOT IMAGINE THAT WHATEVER I DO NEXT WILL REQUIRE A LETTER OF RECOMMENDATIONKelly: FROM A BULLY OBSESSED WITH KRISTEN STEWART’S BREASTSGabe: YOU’RE PROBABLY RIGHTGabe: I AM NOT SURE HOW TOUGH THE HIRING POLICIES FORGabe: AIRPLANE BAGGAGE HANDLERGabe: OR MIDTOWN NIGHT CLUB BATHROOM ATTENDANT AREGabe: MAYBE THEY ARE TOUGH, NO OFFENSE TO THOSE PEOPLE WHO DO THOSE JOBSGabe: IN WHICH CASE YOU STILL CANNOT GET A LETTER OF RECOMMENDATIONGabe: SO YOU PROBABLY WON’T EVEN GET THOSE JOBSGabe: YOU’LL PROBABLY JUST WORK AT YOUR PARENT’S HOUSEGabe: DOING CHORES FOR AN ALLOWANCEGabe: LOLOLOLOLOL

Kelly: :'(Gabe: ALSO, I’M NOT “OBSESSED WITH KRISTEN STEWART’S BOOBS”Kelly: HAHGabe: I’M OBSESSED WITH PROPERLY ATTRIBUTING REAL DOCTORS WHO SEEM SO REAL AND LEGIT AND LIKE GOOD DOCTORSGabe: THOSE PEOPLE WORKED HARD TO GET WHERE THEY ARE, KELLYGabe: UNLIKE YOUKelly: LISTEN. I KNOW YOU’RE RIGHT. I KNOW DR. MATTHEW SCHULMAN AND DR. ANTHONY YOUN HAVE COME A LONG WAY TO MAKE THESE CLAIMS ABOUT FORMER AND CURRENT BREAST SIZE BASED ON RED CARPET PHOTOS.Kelly: BUT I AM GOING TO LEARN FROM MY MISTAKE IMMEDIATELY, UNLIKE YOUKelly: WHO WILL ONLY LEARN FROM YOUR MISTAKEKelly: ONCEKelly: SOMETHING HAPPENSKelly: AND I AM IN CHARGEKelly: OF EVERYTHINGGabe: THIS IS A GREAT THREATGabe: LET ME KNOW HOW MUCH LONGERGabe: THIS THREAT IS GOING TO TAKEGabe: I MIGHT NEED TO MOVE SOME THINGS AROUNDGabe: ON MY SCHEDULEGabe: BUT I WANT TO MAKE SURE AND HEAR THE WHOLE THREATKelly: IT’S PROBABLY GOING TO TAKE A WHILEKelly: DON’T WORRY ABOUT IT RIGHT NOWGabe: YOU DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO WORRY ABOUT, I TELL YOU WHAT TO WORRY ABOUTGabe: WORRY ABOUT THISGabe:http://thecaucus.blogs.nytimes.com/2012/07/18/worsening-drought-puts-food-supply-at-risk/?ref=usGabe: AND ALSO THISGabe:http://www.nytimes.com/2012/07/18/world/africa/jidhadists-fierce-justice-drives-thousands-to-flee-mali.html?ref=worldKelly: SO WHAT, AM I SUPPOSED TO WORRY ABOUT THOSE THINGS OR AM I FIRED?Kelly: MAKE UP YOUR MIND, GABEGabe: NOW YOU’RE TRIPLE FIREDKelly: JUST IN TIMEKelly: CAUSE I JUST WENT FROM A “LARGE A” DON’T CARE TO A “LARGE B” DON’T CARE!!!!