Lib Dem Peer to sue his own genitals

An unnamed Liberal Democrat Peer has warned that he may be forced to bring a court action against his own genitals for bringing the party into disrepute. The Peer, who cannot be named for legal reasons, told friends ‘Although I have not seen my genitals for quite a long time, I believe it is they and they alone who are responsible for the alleged smears which have attracted attention to party politics in the past three months. The influence of these malign body parts cannot be underestimated. The only way I can rightfully re-take my place in politics is to lay the matter to rest once and for all by a lengthy, detailed and embarrassing court case, the kind for which the Liberal Democrats are justly famous.’

But it’s understood the genitals, which have not been seen in the House of Lords since June last year, will mount a vigorous defence against any court action. ‘Blaming us for inappropriate behaviour is laughable. If necessary we will stand up in court and explain that we had little or nothing to do with alleged events, most of which, we will say, happened in the complainant’s head. Yes, we admit that in physical terms we supply much of the ‘engineering’ for matters related to the complainant’s difficulties. But we will call parts of the Lord’s brain to show that it is lack of control of the nucleus accumbens region of that organ that is most to blame for his allegedly inappropriate gropiness. That’s where the trouble started, extending quickly to his hands, and thence into the media spotlight. If the Noble Lord were to win damages against his own brain he would be shooting himself in the foot.’

Nick Clegg praised the Lord for his frankness in the matter, saying he was looking forward to giving evidence in the trial. ‘Sexual politics has always been the hallmark of our party. Think Jeremy Thorpe, Cyril Smith, Mark Oaten, the Cheeky Girls and Chris Huhne – all men who weren’t afraid to put their hand up. We should take our cue from Russia and Pussy Riot to show how the nether regions can really engage people in politics.’

Mr Clegg continued: ‘As recent events across public life have shown, the public are endlessly interested in sexual justice. Poverty, climate change, international security and the future of the NHS seem rightly to matter less and less. That has got to be good news for Lib Dems up and down the country. I have spoken to David Cameron about the potential effect a public trial, potentially exposing these private parts, would have on the Coalition. David is all for it, because it may, if correctly timed, take the public’s mind off other cases in which Conservative-related genitalia briefly appear in a less than flattering light. In the meantime, I urge Lib Dem members to go home - or go to someone else's home - and prepare for allegedly inappropriate sexual behaviour!’