Hello, dear Patrons, and welcome to another fic. This one is from my pile of short and strange crossovers; more specifically it is a crossover between Five Nights at Freddy’s and Frozen, because …. I don’t really know why anyone would cross those two canons. I picked this one from the half-dozen or so that were in that particular section, so let’s take a look at the summary to see what attracted my attention.

When a letter has mailed to Elsa in Arendelle, there is a job where she can get 150 a night. But when she gets there, she senses that something isn’t right with the pizzeria…

Right away I can spot some questionable grammar and a shaky premise, as well as the use of numerals in the narration. I assume this is going to be an AU fic, which is common in crossovers with very disparate canons, because why would a queen take a job in a pizzeria? There’s also a very high number of chapters in relation to the fic’s word count – a little over two thousand words spread over five chapters – and while there is no set chapter length this sort of disparity is rarely a good sign.

Let’s look at the fic!

Based on SMG4’s Mario/FNAF crossover.

This actually took me a bit of digging; I thought at first that this was another fanfic based off of a fanfic, but there is no fanfic author by that name on any of the main sites. Turns out that SMG4 is a channel on YouTube that does mostly mash-up videos, so this is a fanfic based on a YouTube video.

So not only is it a fanfic based on a YouTube video, but the author took out the “inappropriate” bits and bad language and added in a dash of Frozen instead. I don’t see how this could possibly go wrong.

Let’s see, last time stuff happened with the Malkavians. Mostly stupid stuff that involved horrible accents, German, and an illogical deal where Willow promised to hand over the city to them. Really, at this point the fic has lost all pretense of trying to have a plot and now it’s just random shit happening while Igor moons over IndigoStars.

“I still feel really embarrassed for Igor.”

Luckily this fic is gone and was super obscure even before she pulled it down. And now it’s being featured on a riff blog that is every bit as obscure. It’s unlikely Indigo will ever see it. Anyway, let’s see what we’ve got this week.

Also, to address the elephant in the room, I discovered today that Igor is transgender and prefers the feminine pronoun. My bad on that one, but I had to dig pretty deep into the internet to discover it, so I see it as an honest mistake. Regardless, I’ve corrected it moving forward.

Welp, we’re finally there, the home stretch. Now that Igor is completely out of fucks to give, we enter the freefall stage. The shark jumps, the editing dwindles, and what passes for the plot becomes even more fragmented and incoherent.

“You make it sound so good!”

Don’t I, though?

“Recap?”

Sure. Spike does a sparring session with team Buffy, and then quickly drops that in favor of most of the group running off to go look for the very items that Willow was just told about in the previous scene. Because that’s how good writing works. On their way there Jim is invited to exposit his backstory, which he does. It’s a contrived backstory, and since it’s about a character that nobody honestly gives a shit about, there’s no real need to revisit it. After a quick chat with the embodiment of the plot, they’re directed to the same place Willow’s going. It’s also dropped that Igor has decided to change his mistake into a plot point involving Sunnydale being completely restored. Presumably with a “because magic” in there somewhere. And if you’re wondering why it took the members of Team Buffy this long to think something was strange with Sunnydale being back, then you’d be forgetting that nobody in this fic actually has a brain.

“It turns out that you don’t need one to star in a fanfic!”

The chapter trails off with a scene of DEEP FORESHADOWING™ where a bunch of vampires with extremely fake accents talk about stuff that I can’t be bothered to remember, and then an ASMR vampire shows up because why the fuck not? Igor literally had no fucks left to give when he wrote that scene, which is why I skimmed the crap out of it.

Hey, patrons! Welcome back to the second half of what I’m calling ‘the nose-dive chapter.’

“It really is obvious that Igor has completely run out of ideas.”

Not only that, he’s totally run out of fucks to give. That means we’re in store for the total burn out. There will be a large burst of activity in terms of a few chapters that get posted in a short amount of time as Igor tries to rally some interest in the project, and then the dwindle to nothingness.

“Recap?”

Naw, nothing new was served up in the first half. All we got was a bunch of irrelevant dialogue that I assume was supposed to be character building, and a discussion from the Buffy crew that we’ve basically seen a few times before.

“But Spike!”

Right, almost forgot, Spike is being called in as a maid. I guess that’s the summary for the last chapter. Spike in a maid outfit.