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What I learned from my experience as a guest coach, calling plays at Memphis' spring football game

I mean, come on: When you’re invited to be a guest coach at Memphis’ spring game, and you’re down by one point to CBS Sports writer (and noted basketball guy) Gary Parrish, and your pride as a beat writer is on the line, you have to go for two.

So we went for two.

I picked “Play No. 6” on our call sheet and watched helplessly from the sidelines as it unfolded. Quarterback Brady Davis faked a handoff and lobbed it to the corner of the end zone. The throw looked good. It looked like a game-winner. Then, there was contact. The ball hit the ground. I swore the refs missed a pass interference call. (They didn’t miss a pass interference call.)

And so, my four-drive debut as a college football coach came to an end. Parrish’s Playmakers 15, Fighting Schads 14. All I could do was take off my headset in disgrace and shake my head at an opportunity lost.

Here’s how it all started: In January, I was talking on the phone with Memphis football coach Mike Norvell when he told me that he had a cool idea for the spring game. He wanted me and another media member to serve as guest coaches — wear headsets, call plays, the whole deal. Sure, I said. Sign me up.

For Norvell, it was a way to spice up what amounts to a glorified scrimmage, five months before any meaningful football will be played. And for me, it was an opportunity to get a better understanding of what college football coaches do on a weekly basis, and get another inside glimpse of the team I cover.

The result was a 10 a.m. meeting last week in Norvell’s office, two days before the Tigers’ annual spring game, Friday Night Stripes. Parrish, who also hosts a daily afternoon radio show on 92.9 FM ESPN, was already there when I arrived.

Norvell leaned on his desk and laid out the format: Two offensive and defensive drives apiece, all starting at the 50-yard line. One offensive drive apiece with the team’s two backup quarterback candidates: Davis and redshirt freshman David Moore. And a surprise tiebreaker, if there was no outright winner.

“Man, I want this to be competitive,” said Norvell, visibly excited about the whole thing.

The second-year coach gave us our supplies: A Memphis hat, a Memphis polo and a laminated call sheet, with diagrams of 12 offensive plays on one side and 10 defensive calls on the other. Each play was numbered and labeled with a brief description, from “Run-Pass (Inside zone)” and “Tailback screen” on offense to a variety of blitzes and alignments on defense. We also had the option of calling three offensive hurry-up, or “tempo,” plays by their real names.

As we walked out of Norvell’s office that morning, Parrish didn’t even try to hide his strategy.

“I’m going deep,” he said.

So, for the first time, I started to think: How was I going to stop him?

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If this was going to be my only play-calling experience, I was going to look the part: Shirt, tie, khakis and, naturally, a sweater vest. The sweater vest turned into a running joke on Twitter last season, because the Tigers always seemed to lose when I wore it in the press box.

(Unfortunately, I didn’t remember this important fact until it was too late.)

I met Norvell and Parrish on Tiger Lane a little after 6 p.m., as Norvell had asked that we help him lead the team through the Tiger Walk. This was an incredibly uncomfortable experience for me for two reasons:

1. I like working behind the scenes, and tend to avoid the spotlight.

2. I felt like I was already starting to sweat through my sweater vest.

As we walked toward the stadium, I had long since decided on my strategy: Hit them with a run-pass option play off the top, then go tempo. While one play would be unfolding, start dialing up the next. Wear Parrish’s defense out. Play so fast that he wouldn’t even have a chance to adjust.

Defense, though, was trickier.

If Parrish was going to take shots, as I really thought he would, then I figured I should probably blitz him. But beyond that, calling defense was not nearly as intuitive. So after practice Thursday, I talked with inside linebackers coach Dan Lanning to get some tips. What look would best slow down a run-pass option? When should I play two high safeties, versus one high? Lanning walked me through it. I felt better, but I was still far from confident.

A little after 7 p.m., the spring game began and I started tracking stats. (After all, I still had a story to write.) A little after 8:15, I grabbed my call sheet and walked down to the field. I stood near the end zone, stared at my call sheet and went through the plays in my head one last time. Longtime equipment manager Marc Hohorst handed me a headset. Sideline reporter and radio announcer Dave Woloshin grabbed Parrish and I for an interview on the Jumbotron before it all started.

My goal was to work “fit,” “family,” “next step,” “climb” and “put our playmakers in position to make plays” into my answer.

So far, so good.

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Sports radio host Gary Parrish fills in as a guest coach during the University of Memphis Tiger's annual spring scrimmage at the Liberty Bowl Friday Night.(Photo: Jim Weber/The Commercial Appeal)

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So here’s the thing about play-calling: Everything happens fast.

Really, really fast.

So fast that, in retrospect, the sequence of plays pretty much seems like a blur.

I was up first on defense, and I knew exactly which blitz I wanted to call first. I remember that Parrish tried to go deep, and that our defense brought the pressure I was hoping for. “Hey,” I thought, “that actually worked out OK.”

From there, though, it was mostly guesswork and finger-crossing.

I don’t remember exactly which plays I called on the rest of that series, but I remember the missed tackle on third down that allowed Parrish’s offense to stay on the field. I remember trying to act calm after his team found the end zone, and converted a two-point conversion. And I remember the relief of jogging over to the offensive side of the field, where everything just made a little bit more sense.

I relayed my first two plays to offensive coordinator Darrell Dickey in the booth: Run-pass option. Tempo. Not a bad start. But before long, I was flying by the seat of my pants again.

On third-and-short, I decided to run it, to some teasing from Norvell over the headset. On fourth down, I decided to go for it. Just like the missed tackle on third down had ruined my first defensive drive, a diving touchdown catch by Hunter Hill from Moore saved my first offensive drive. We went for two and got it, tying the game at 8-8.

What stood out to me immediately was the time crunch. This isn’t like Madden, where one play ends and the down and distance for the next play pop up automatically. In real time, you’re trying to figure out where the ball is, what the offense/defense might do and how you could possibly answer it. Then you’ve got to allow time for the coaches to signal the play, all while maintaining some level of unpredictability.

“You’ve gone boundary (pressures) quite a bit here, Tom,” defensive coordinator Chris Ball said during my second defensive drive. “Might want to think about something from the field (side).”

I heeded his advice on the next play, but then I was back to speed guessing. I don’t want to say I was picking defensive plays completely at random… but there were a few occasions when I picked them completely at random. Naturally, Parrish scored. Surprisingly, he opted for the extra point. It was 15-8, and a shot at the win was now in my hands.

As I take off my headset, I’m already second-guessing my call on the two-point conversion. Or maybe I should’ve just kicked the extra point, and taken my chances with the surprise tiebreaker? It’s a fake game in April, and I’m not actually a coach, but I’m frustrated all the same.

I shake Parrish’s hand and we pose for a picture with Norvell. A few players sneak up behind Parrish with a celebratory Gatorade bath.

“Coach Schad. Time to face the press,” Norvell posts on Twitter. “It’s a blast. Really.”