5 Things That Drive Dad Crazy

This Father's Day, forget the cards and ties — and give Dad what he really, really wants.

Colin Mahan is a Bay Area humor writer, comedian, and befuddled Dad of two magical, messy children.

There’s a reason why dads can be grouchy. They are never given enough time to complete the annoying chores they wanted to avoid in the first place. So this Father’s Day, forget the cards and ties — and give Dad what he really, really wants.

More time. Between work, commuting, family, (the occasional) gym visits, TV, comic books, and just plain sawin’ wood, Dad doesn’t really have the time to tackle the long and constantly growing list of seemingly trivial matters on which the success of the household rests. Give the poor man a break and graciously let him finish plunging the toilet for however long it takes.

No interruptions. Here’s an idea: when dear old Dad is sweating out back in the shed, unleashing a shower of spiders as he rummages through old wood shingles, try to keep the questions to a minimum. Okay, so you can’t reach or find something. Maybe just hold off though on yelling across the house and out the window to the struggling bug-ridden guy in the back. It might just save Dad from emitting a cartoon bubble of cursing.

Plenty of cold drinks. There’s one thing that keeps Dad going during his hot, oppressive trudge under the crawlspace, through the cobwebs, to remove the mildewed cardboard that was kindly placed there by a pregnant skunk. Dad’s been thinking of that last, icy cold soda (or beer). Too bad that when he opens the fridge door he is greeted only by an EMPTY SPACE that used to house the glistening, metallic silo of elixir. You want to see a grown man weep? Take his drink on a hot day.

Sleeping late. While a child can subsist on a mere one-second of sleep a night, Moms and Dads can’t. Give Dad a minimum of 8 hours of rest on clean white sheets to help freshen his tired old bag of bones.

Time for sports games/TV shows. Dad needs to sit on a soft-ish sofa and rest in between attempts to finish household chores. If you keep him from putting his brain into a vegetative state while watching his shows, you’ll deny him much needed downtime.

So cut Dad a break. Why not take the kids out of the house to put their cute handprints on a Happy Father’s Day mug and let Dad hibernate in quiet, cobweb-filled peace.