Sunday, April 17, 2016

1st 5 Pages April Workshop - Hall Rev 2

Everyone thinks being an identical twin is so cool. For Jess Gardner, not so much. The double-takes, the stares, the way too personal questions. You’re a twin first, a person second. That doesn’t make you cool. It makes you a freak.

What Jess wants most is for her deadbeat father to see her as an individual. But she’s “just like her mother.” The woman who left three years ago.

Since then, they’ve drifted from house to house, town to town, job to job. When their new house pulls up in the driveway, a rusted out, backfiring RV, Jess decides that she’s done. She’s given him his last chance. She’s got one move left and it’s the one where she gets away from him.

As Jess starts making plans to save her and her sister from their carnival-like existence, they drift further apart. She has to convince her sister to come with her. But her sister has a plan of her own.

Revision:

I call us the Carnies. The oddities from places unknown. We roll into town, dazzle the locals for a while, and then vanish without a second thought. We creep in usually in the middle of the night and set up the same old life with the same old story. We stay a few months - short enough to almost make friends and long enough for Dad to ruin it. When he starts combing through his peas or mash potatoes searching for answers to what went wrong, we know it’s time to move on.

“Hopefully the next place is somewhere warm,” Tess says from behind me. She lifts the hem of my sweater and places her icy fingers on my back. The heat has already been shut off and packing has helped us stay warm except for our hands. The cardboard boxes have robbed them of their moisture and we’re left with cracked knuckles and frozen fingertips. “I doubt it,” I say as I spin around and push her hand away but my words come out as more of a giggle than the yelp she was hoping for. “When’s the last time he did anything we want?” I ask. She looks into my eyes and as if reading my thoughts, she replies, “It doesn’t hurt to dream.”

But doesn’t it, though?

Dreaming is what got us here. Dad always chasing his next fresh start. Dreaming is what took us from a nice two-story house with our swing set in the back to countless one-bedroom apartments and big city basements. “Ain’t it a dream?” is what Dad said when we pulled up in front of this trailer, the one at the back of the park, the one no one wanted. Yeah. It’s a dream come true.

The air in the trailer is thick with dust so Tess and I step out onto our one-step stoop for some fresh air. The neighborhood boys are walking down our street returning from the field next to our trailer. That was the only good thing about living here. We could watch the boys play football or soccer from our bedroom window while doing our homework. Looks like we missed today’s snowball fight, though. Tess and I are shivering standing on the stoop but the boys have their jackets slung over their shoulders or tied around their waists. As they laugh and joke, we can see their breath but they continue to make snowballs and kick ice at each other.

She’s not wrong. Brad is cute but he’s no different than any other boy in any other town. His hair the same sandy brown as a dozen others. His eyes the same blue. It can’t hurt to just talk to him, though, right? I can make a fool of myself and it won’t matter because I’ll never see him again. That doesn’t make it so bad. But as I picture myself walking over to him and think of what I might say, my heart starts to flutter and my mouth goes dry.

“Check it out, Brad.” the boy in a black T-shirt is tapping Brad on the shoulder and pointing at us. “It’s those girls.”

“Which one did you say you liked?” asks the boy kicking ice.

“Doesn’t matter,” says another one. “They look exactly the same.”

“Yeah, man.” The boy in the black T-shirt slaps Brad on the shoulder. “You can cheat on one with the other and you can’t get in trouble. It’s not your fault you can’t tell them apart.” Brad gives him a high-five but he at least has the decency not to chuckle.

Tess looks at me apologetically and mutters, “Generic jackasses is more like it,” and goes back inside. I can’t leave the stoop. I need the cold to soothe the flames in my cheeks. I lock eyes with Brad hoping he’ll show me that he’s not a Johnny and I haven’t been stealing glances with him for nothing. But I already know the answer. I’ve known it all along.

There’s a loud roar building in my ears and I hear a rattle that matches my labored breath. A high-pitched screech captures all of the boys’ attention. It is my horror when I see the object that has them so captivated. A beige and tan, two-toned, rusted out RV pulling into my driveway, the engine sputtering and knocking as it comes to complete stop. It has blocked my view of the boys but the pitch of their laughter says it all. The driver side door scrapes open and Dad jumps down. “Where’s Tess?” he asks running up the stoop and through the front door. “You guys have to check out our new home.”

I call us the Carnies. We’re the freaks in the matching sweaters and Dad, the king of the clowns.

17 comments:

Wow! This reads almost like a rewrite not just a revision. You have really put in the work. I think this incarnation works the best of all three. I like the dialogue, we get to know Jess and Tess the most here. Your first and last lines punch like a drunk sailor. Really good. I've got a couple of nitpicks.

The part where the boys are overheard threw me off. I had the impression that they were farther off. They are walking down the street, and then we can hear them. Maybe add a sentence to show where they are on the sidewalk in relation to the girls. It almost felt like head-hopping when the boy speaks. It wasn't, but I was lost as to where the boys were. I think you have a echo of "though". It used several times and seems out of place. I'd maybe cut it once or twice or even all together.

You have a wonderfully lyrical style of writing, and I think you have done an excellent job of revising/rewriting. The pitch was interesting and well done. Congratulations!

Hi Jeff. Understood about the not knowing how far off the boys are. I could see it clearly in my head but I'll work to make that come through. Thank you for all your advice. You have been very helpful.

Wow. Nice revision, Linda. I like your pitch, too. I think you might need a little more motivation for Jess, though. (In the pitch.) Is there a stronger reason than just wanting to escape from their carnival-like existence? In truth, that is enough, but in your query and novel, it might be stronger if there is something that finally pushes her over the edge--an inciting incident that kicks the story off. Do you know what I mean? Maybe something really embarrassing happens at school?

I think you need to set the scene where they overhear the boys a little more carefully. I thought they were across the way, and then we hear them talking. They need to be closer, so maybe just look at that scene again. The dialogue was good there, though.

Your prose itself sounds really good. Have you ever read Anywhere but Here by Mona Simpson? Your story reminds me of it a little. It's not YA, but adult literary commercial fiction.

Well, these pages have really improved. I think you're on the start to something big. Thanks for sharing it and keep writing!

Wow, this is an excellent revision, one I appreciate all the more now that the pitch helps me see where the story is going. I especially appreciate your willingness to experiment with different ways to start your novel, and I think this one is a winner.You have struck a balance between providing the necessary background and showing us how the girls interact with their peers and each other. I was wondering what sort of a dream the father was following, but it's okay for me to be wondering, since I have faith the question will be answered in a later chapter.

I don't really have any suggestions that haven't been covered already: the boys need to take longer to get into earshot, and I also wondered if they would really be so open with their comments if they knew the girls could hear. Maybe they would. Maybe that's the point, I don't know.

Anyway, I have enjoyed reading this story, and I wish you the best of luck!

There are so many cool things in your pitch. The challenge of being a twin, the challenge of living with her father, and the fact that Jess is ready to leave, and that Tess has a different plan. The thing I wondered, is what is the main part of Jess’s story? Is the story mostly about the hard time with her sister and her dad, or about her leaving and being her own person for the first time? I also wondered why she’d want Tess to come with her, since she can’t get away from the twin thing until they are apart. There must be a really strong connection between them and I’d love to know more about that. I think if you picked Jess’s main source of conflict and went deeper on that, I’d have a better sense of where the story was going and be even more invested in what happens to Jess.

On the revision –

Wow! Another big change. I really like:

“She looks into my eyes and as if reading my thoughts, she replies, “It doesn’t hurt to dream.”

But doesn’t it, though?”

You can really feel the pain of all the moves in that thought.

I like the introduction of the mobile home and the boys. They definitely show a lot about the girls and their relationship as well as their lives.

On your last paragraph:

I call us the Carnies. We’re the freaks in the matching sweaters and Dad, the king of the clowns.

The first sentence is repetitive. I don’t understand why Jess would wear matching sweaters if she hates being a twin. But I kind of love characterizing dad as the king of the clowns. Maybe this is a good spot to go into more detail about his job changes (or maybe you do and that’s just getting cut off by the word limit.)

Great job with the big rewrites. It’s so hard to come up with a new way to start your story and you’ve done it twice! And best of luck with revising/querying!Rebecca

I feel much more connected to the character up front. You've kept the charm and landed smack in the "teen" zone with the voice. I ditto Ron on adding some zip with a stronger inciting incident. Agree with the logistics of the boy fly by being a bit clearer. Loved the "generic Johnny" line and the insensitivity of the boy banter.

All in all you played more emotional notes with me than in early drafts.

In the pitch, how about jumping right into Jess' pov instead of starting with everybody...

These pages are great! You've conveyed a lot of feeling upfront in just a few pages. Their lifestyle is so unique -- and pitiable -- that I'm instantly curious. Description is strong and vivid; I can visualize what's happening, such as when they talk about the moisture being sucked out of their hands from the cardboard while packing. That was a strong feeling for me. The character is sympathetic on many counts from the start: their odd lifestyle, being a twin, being a teenager who just wants boys to talk to her. I would keep reading this!

These pages are great! You've conveyed a lot of feeling upfront in just a few pages. Their lifestyle is so unique -- and pitiable -- that I'm instantly curious. Description is strong and vivid; I can visualize what's happening, such as when they talk about the moisture being sucked out of their hands from the cardboard while packing. That was a strong feeling for me. The character is sympathetic on many counts from the start: their odd lifestyle, being a twin, being a teenager who just wants boys to talk to her. I would keep reading this!

Really amazing what's happened since your first draft. At this point I would only say that the boys gave me pause. I'm not sure why, but the dialogue felt very "on the nose."

I would suggest you have a look and see if you can make it a little more subtle, see if you can write it so the scene draws out more personality in Jess. In order for us to like her, we'll have to connect. Does she defend herself? Want to?

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