Married life is so different than I thought it would be. When we were young and in love, I was sure we would be the couple that would beat the odds — and you know what, in some ways, we have. But it’s nothing like I expected. I thought true love was fluttery feelings and never disagreeing.

Okay, I used to think, we can have the occasional disagreement, as long as we communicate well, listen to each other, and resolve things in a calm, healthy manner. But marriage isn’t neat and tidy like that, is it?

Now I think true love is something altogether different. It’s actually deeper and more profound than I used to think.

Steve and I are well matched. During pre-marital counseling, our pastor had us take an assessment to help us identify “red flag” areas where conflict would likely arise. When the results of the assessment came back, there were no red flag areas. Sure, we had different backgrounds and slightly different perspectives on some things, but overall, we approached life with similar beliefs. We exhaled a huge sigh of relief. We were going to be okay.

We got married, decorated our apartment, and stepped into life thinking we had it figured out. We had a solid friendship and we truly enjoyed being together — but we didn’t have a clue about what life was about to throw our way.

We started off optimistic and in love, then real life happened all around us.

We’ve been through some crazy, hard stuff — depression, getting fired from a job, friends divorcing, and having a baby with a severe disability. We’ve held each other and cried with grief in moments so dark we could hardly see a way forward. There have been waters so rough, I wondered if we would make it through.

But after 16 years of marriage, I no longer believe it’s the highs and lows that make or break a marriage.

The lowest lows and the highest highs are the exception to the rule. And while they may be extremely difficult or hugely exciting, they don’t define a marriage. It’s day-to-day life that makes or breaks a marriage. The drain of the mundane can be exhausting. We work together, raise our boys together, and live life together. It’s busy and stressful. Sometimes, after the boys are in bed, and we’re both sitting on the couch catching up on our favorite BBC show, I wonder why it feels like there is a wall between us.

Bricks pile up one at a time — a small comment that hurts or being too tired to share details from the day. Each one doesn’t seem like a big deal, but over days and weeks they pile up to create a wall. Sure, these bricks can be torn down, but it takes vulnerability. Someone has to reach out to the other person with a hug, kiss, or a kind word. The same fatigue from the everyday stress of life, the stress which allowed the wall to go up, makes it hard to tear it down.

I used to think highs and lows put strain on a marriage — but now I see it’s more than that.

The everyday stress of life is what makes marriage so challenging {and so beautiful}. Every day we have to fight the distance that wants to creep in and build a wall between us. I wake up in the morning to Steve making breakfast for our family and give him a little kiss. And bricks come down. Sometimes I slip a little note into his bag that says, “You are brave.” And bricks come down. Every day we have to hold each other, listen to each other, and share our hearts with each other. It isn’t fancy, but it matters. It isn’t complicated but it’s not simple either.

Marriages are built in the little, everyday moments of life.

And marriages are broken through the everyday strain of life and the drain of the mundane.

As I sit here reflecting on how different married life is from what I expected, I feel grateful I married a man who is committed to growing together. I’m grateful we work to break down walls and fight the distance. Together we are learning to be more vulnerable and to love each other better in the midst of the mundane. Sometimes it’s painful and exhausting. Sometimes it’s peaceful and safe. We hurt each other and work to mend those wounds. Day by day we wade through the mundane with heart, soul, and a lot of grace. We are learning to love each other more wholly and more deeply.

Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. (Ephesians 4:32)

Lord, help me to be more kind, more compassionate and more forgiving. And Lord, help me to understand the depths of your kindness, compassion, and forgiveness towards me.

Lisa Leonard

Lisa Leonard is mom to two boys, David, 13 and Matthias, 12 and wife to Steve. In between school and work they spend their time playing outdoors on the central coast of California, eating chocolate chip pancakes, tapping tunes on the piano (David) and choreographing elaborate light saber duels (Matthias)....
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I’ve seen the same thing in our 27 years — we remember to ask for grace and strength to get us through the really hard days, but the slow sandpaper days of bill-paying, lawn-mowing, kid-raising life can wear away at our relationship in ways that damage our trust before we’re even aware of it. Thanks for this invitation to pay attention to loving well and practicing kindness and compassion on an ordinary Thursday.

Lisa,
The drain of the mundane….oh how the enemy loves to separate and isolate….and he will if we let him. Thank you for your honesty and the reminder to show acts of love and kindness to your spouse everyday. It would be so easy to continue making dinner when my husband comes through the door, but stopping and intentionally giving him a kiss and a hug conveys that I’ve missed him and am glad he is home. When we got married, our pastor challenged us to try to “out love” the other person each and every day. This has really stuck with me. This means to do it even when I really don’ feel like it. When our hearts are set on loving our spouse, it’s harder for the mundane to creep in. Wonderful post.
Blessings,
Bev xx

ps. This is my second marriage after coming through an emotionally and verbally abusive one so I am SO thankful for a good, godly husband and it fuels my desire to let him know he is loved and appreciated! If you have a good husband, don’t take that blessing for granted….

What happens when your husband isn’t serving the Lord? My husband is good to me and caring, he is a good father and loves his grandchildren but we don’t do much together. He has his thing and I have mine. His friends and I have mine. My husband is saved but not serving the Lord and that’s where it ends. We even go to other churches. We care for each other but don’t have the same interests. I do want to have a godly relationship but he isn’t interested. I want to be able to look up to him. How do I do that?

Honestly sweet lady, YOU can’t DO a single thing to change him……… God is the only One that can change your husbands heart in anything. Now before you take that as a blanket platitude, please allow me to share a snapshot of my story. The first 6 years of my marriage was spent trying to convince my husband to love me more than drugs and alcohol… trying to convince him of the amazing things God had in store for him. He was never abusive physically, but his binges were cyclical and scary, draining, and left me feeling helpless…every six months he would step back into “the other man”. The man that was not my husband…he just looked like him. The way I would know that he was on his way back in is that his countenance would change. He would start listening to secular news programs that would bring about a caustic change, and then one day he’d walk through the door happy to see us. Loving, sweet. cuddly…. doesn’t seem so bad huh? Except that it was because he was stoned…. can you imagine the damage that takes place in your heart when only time that your husband was “happy” to see you was when he was high or drunk?? Nearly six years of this went by…vacillating through a husband who loved and served the Lord (but was quiet and moody), and another who swore he was never coming back to the cross (which struck more fear in my heart than anything else he ever did or said) and was drunk/high all the time. What I am getting to is this…. He was walking through something that was solely his. I took it into myself and tried to make it my responsibility to change him, but that was never mine to do. I made myself sick for years stressing over it, trying to make him see, hear, and change. It was not until I relinquished that to God that things began to change. At first I was SUPER annoyed that in spite of it all that I was the one who “had to change” in this. As I went along submitting to the Lord, handing over my worries, fears, and “control” to Him, allowing Him to be my husband and my all in all… I found that I was not as distressed about it. It was not an easy process… but it was THE ONLY WAY… it was the BEST way and the BLESSED way. Fast forward 5 years in our marriage and my husband has not only been sober for that long… but that spiritual bondage was completely broken off and he is an ordained pastor. He is truly a new man. Exactly who God said he would be all those years ago. God is the only one who knows what is going on inside of your husband, and you. He created you both…He’s the only One that can effect any change at all in either of your hearts. I’ve already started praying for you about this, and I encourage you to pour your heart out before Him now. Bring all of it to the Cross and lay it down. Tell Him that you trust Him to reconcile your marriage to what He always intended it to be and then stand firm in that no matter what things “look” like. I promise you Beth Ann that His plans for you are for GOOD and NOT for evil, to give you a future and a hope…. Praise be to God that His ways are not our ways and that His thoughts are not our thoughts!! He is BETTER than anything we can imagine and He WILL answer the cry of your hear concerning your marriage. Please feel free to email me if you ever want to talk…agapelove6@gmail.com Blessings, Michelle

Beth Ann,
I am not an expert on marriage nor a marriage counselor. I do know that God’s blueprint for marriage is in what He created for Adam and Eve. He knew it was not good for Adam to be alone and so He created Eve as a partner and helpmate. I think God’s design is for more than merely coexisting in a marriage which it sounds like you are doing right now. Have you ever approached your husband, not to complain, but to tell him how much you love him and desire to have a deeper relationship with him? Do you think he would go with you to counseling to help you both discover ways to put the other person before self?? It’s always worth a try and I agree….pray!! Pour out your heart’s desire before the Lord. If your prayers are in accordance with His will, which it sounds like they are, God will be able to work in both of your hearts to give you the fulfilling relationship you desire. I’d let both your husband and God know the desires of your heart….and I will pray that God will do a work in your marriage. In the meantime, I would do what is within your control and that might be random hugs or kisses….a nice note in his lunch or pocket….an unexpected phone call just to say, “I love you.” Our God is able.

God made our husbands our heads. Honor your husband, reverence him, serve him, love him and DON’T try and change him. Praise his good points and show interest in his interests even if they are so boring to you. God will judge us on how well we obey His commands to submit and obey our husbands. Providing they don’t ask us to do anything illegal or against the law, we need to submit and obey AS IF IT WAS THE LORD ASKING US TO DO THOSE THINGS. Your marriage will abound in joy and God will change both of you. We have been married for 22 years and marriage gets better and better – BUT – only when it is done God’s way.

I second both Bev & Michelle. Pray & pray some more. You can’t change your hubby only God can. Find some women you trust & let them pray with & for you also. Give him nice notes, kisses, hugs. I love hugging my hubby when he comes in from work. I tell him he’s a good husband. You can get more with honey than vinegar. I will be praying for you both!

Wow!! I absolutely love this and so agree!! You have really spoken into my heart. My husband and I have been married for 15 years. It is not the highs and lows but the everyday run of the mill stuff that makes the biggest impact on a marriage! It is so vital to love each other in and through the ordinary, mundane, everyday living.

Thank you for sharing these wonderful words! They have really touched my heart and reminded me again of the importance of the little acts of love and kindness that can get lost along the way if we aren’t more intentional about them.

This is as if the words came straight from my head to my finger tips and put them on the same platform. Girl you and I think the same and our marriage is quit the same, with the same walls coming and going. As long as we talk to Jesus every day and keep the Holy Spirit first above all, our walls will stand strong, our relationships will bloom, and the outcome will be a great legacy for our kids and loved ones. GODSPEED FIRST!
Hugs!

Thank all of you ladies for heartfelt honesty. Hold on to those precious lessons from the Lord with everything u have. Priceless. Married 60 years but I had no relationship to the Lord during most of those years. Now I am learning of the priceless gift of God’s love, grace & righteousness!!! Yes, only He can change hearts

Marriage is hard work. That day to day is the most difficult to stay connected. For us this is second marriages, and we are mid life, and deal with PTSD and disassociative issues stemming from my husband’s service in the Gulf during the first wars there. The mundane is mostly difficult for me because he doesn’t understand emotion, or the need for simple gestures that remove those bricks.

I can tell you that while marriage was meant to be perfect, it will never be until the one who is perfect is involved. Women in marriages with an unbeliever or even a believer who has drifted off somehow will have to trust the Lord to love them, you can submit to Him, the Bible actually calls Him, ” your husband “. Talk to Jesus about your marriage, the only one we can change is us and only He can help us do that. I know He designed and loves marriage, but would never want anyone to be abused, I pray He guides women into the best decisions.

Love the illustration of “bricks”…
May I echo the sentiment again. So true, the mundane, daily grind, or whatever you call it, is certainly more important in marriage than the highs and lows. Great reminder to keep special moments in each day.

Girls, I’ve been married 45 years!!!! It blows my mind to think of it. I want to say one thing that I have learned. It is that the mundane to me IS the GOOD STUFF.!!! When your world seems to be falling apart around you…..the comfort of your own home, your own bed, sitting simply holding hands is something others would give everything for. Certainly at times small things grow out of proportion. Through these 45 years, I have survived cancer, our son has survived cancer. We cared for our parents, all of whom succumbed to cancer. My husband is currently “living with” bladder cancer.
I use to pray to God to pleasssseee bless me with more mundane days, because THEY CAN BE the stuff dreams are made of. Love to all!

Thank you for sharing this. My husband and I have been married 17 years. I loved what you shared “Marriages are built in the little, everyday moments of life. And marriages are broken through the everyday strain of life and the drain of the mundane.” It’s so true!

Marriage is nothing like they show on TV & movies. There is no “happily ever after” with a perfect life. Marriage takes effort & work. I have had 13 good years with my hubby. We’ve been through highs, lows & real life happen in between. I have heard & learned that one secret to a successful marriage is communication. You must tell each other what you need, do a little give & take. Make it a priority each day to tell your spouse you love them, &give them a hug when they come in from work. It ‘s the little nuances & a little spice here & there that make a marriage great.

I needed these words. My husband is in a slow physical decline of his own choice, and I am caring for him. Some days I long for what I thought retirement with him would be. This reality is often overwhelming. Thanks for helping me to put it into God’s perspective. Remembering that none of this was a surprise to God, and knowing that He never places anything on me unless He enables me to endure it and to grow from it is major. Your words reminded me that I am never alone.

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