by Mistress Didi*

THE most important thing a Domme can do is to develop Herself – which means to develop Her own Self-Control (starting with avoiding being needy and focus on being choosey) because the truth about Control is there is only Self-Control = what you will and will not allow.

To ensure that You communicate clearly and present Yourself from a place of authority — which is something the new Domina can often have difficulty with — remember:

1) Please consider VERY carefully how you communicate. Choose your words carefully and monitor your tone. You don’t want to come across as desperate because that attracts trolls and worse;

2) Be careful of whom you trust. Most of these jokers talk a good game – especially when they believe that You don’t know any better. So, make them prove worthy of Your attention. This practice weeds out the fakers-takers-shakers-noise-makers; and

These steps will offer You comfort and build Your confidence so that it is easier to pay attention to what is actually being said and offered, rather than getting carried away in the notion of “having submissives.”

A Gift from The Mistress Didi*

I conduct Mentoring and Training classes and workshops in person and via webcam. I’ve also created The Domina101™ Collective as an opportunity for Female Dominants to learn and share Life Knowledge, techniques, and general-how-to information from and with Quality Fetishists.

The following is a Domina101™ Mentoring Program Preparation Guide to assist You in becoming clear on Your goals so that You may clearly communicate them.

1. People who have never been to sm parties and munches telling others what to do, how to dress, how to behave and what happens at sm parties and munches.

If you’ve never been there, you wouldn’t know. If you speak only on the subjects you actually have experience and knowledge of, you wouldn’t be saying much of anything in any of the threads on anything.

<closes eyes and dreams of a moment like that>

2. People who have never been to a slave auction telling other people how a slave auction works.

If you’ve never attended one, you wouldn’t know.

3. People who have only ever done cam/online bdsm telling those in face to face, physically present relationships they’re doing it wrong.

If you’ve never actually done anything with another person you could touch, you wouldn’t know how it’s “supposed” to go with someone you can touch.

4. People who say they are no limits but then say one of the rules they have is to “protect the property, even if it means protecting the property from him.”

Guess what? You are saying you can enforce a limit. If you’re standing in the middle of the road because he told you to and a car is coming and you get out of the way of that car even though he told you to stand there, you have set a limit. Your limit is that you will not let yourself be hit by a car even if he told you to.

5. People who get upset when others mention how long they’ve been doing this SM stuff or how long they’ve been in a relationship.

Newsflash! — The people posting in the thread aren’t posting for the benefit of other posters responding to the same questions. They’re posting for the benefit of the OP who asked the question.

That OP (original poster) might be brand new to the group and may never have seen any of the posters before. They wouldn’t know one from another and wouldn’t know who has practical experience and who doesn’t. So while you may frequently see someone say they’ve been in a relationship for 7 years but have been doing this for 15, the person who matters (the one who asked the questions in the first place) has never seen it said by any of those people.

People who are proud of their relationships say how many years they’ve been in that relationship. They say how long they’ve been together, how long married. It’s a relatable context that other humans understand. It’s merely a statement of fact, not something said just to annoy you personally.

If you get upset by others stating their years of experience or years in a relationship, that reaction is about you. Not the other person.

6. People who bitch about dudes having their dick for an avatar but they themselves are flashing tits or a nipple or their bare ass.

Dude shows his dick and you flash your tits. There’s really no difference. Personally, I don’t want to see either one. How about both of ya put that shit away.

7. People with no or very limited practical bdsm or d/s/m/s relationship experience telling others what they must do in their relationships and deciding the definitions of terms for everyone else.

Broken record time. If you’ve never had a d/s relationship or an m/s relationship, you have no business telling others what rules or protocols they must have or what that relationship must look like. Each house and each relationship gets to decide all that stuff for themselves.

8. Chicks who flash their tits and then whine that someone looked at their tits and made a crass comment.

Set it to friends only! Crass dudes are going to say crass things. Been that way for 20,000 years and will be that way for the next 20,000 years. You can teach 49,999 dudes to be civil and there will always be that ONE who will remain an ass regardless. If you cannot handle that one, then don’t post the pics or make it so that person cannot see the pic. Problem solved.

9. People with no practical experience extolling the “subby has the power” thing.

That goes right out the window when you’re standing in front of a dom who tells you to do something and stands there until you do it and doesn’t back down because you weren’t “feeling it”.

Subby has the power right up to the moment he/she says “Yes, I’ll be yours.” Then that power is gone, because you gave it to the dom, and you’re expected to do what you’re told (within reason) and (dare I say it) serve the dominant rather than yourself.

10. People who think the word submit means “only do what I want to the degree I want.”

Submission means doing what someone else wants, whether you like it or not. Pick your battles rather than making everything an ultimatum and a battle of wills. A d/s relationship is supposed to be about cooperation, not re-enacting the Battle of Hastings every damn time the dom wants something.

11. People who put the word submissive next to their name and then say the dom “has to make me” submit.

If they have to make you, then you are not submissive. Submissive means you do it of your own accord because you were told to by an authority figure.

“Make me” means you’re looking to have a battle and be subjugated. It also means you want the dom to perform for you how you want them to.

12. People who think making a cartoon avatar kneel to another cartoon avatar is a real d/s relationship.

It’s not. It’s playing an interactive RPG on the computer. Nothing more.

It’s a whole other thing when you’re actually in front of the person and kneeling and looking up into their face and knowing they’re about to lay hands on you in a manner possibly of violence…and you’re not going to stop it. There’s no on/off switch. There’s no internet connection to suddenly lose. There’s no employer to conveniently call you into work.

You’re there and you actually have to do all that stuff you pretended to make a cartoon character do.

Very different indeed.

13. People who denigrate those who win awards for their work and accomplishments.

Just because you can’t see beyond the edge of your own relationship doesn’t mean the rest of us have to live in a bubble of isolation too. You may not see the value in entering various master/slave, puppy, pony, etc competitions, but that doesn’t mean there is no value in those things.

People are allowed to be proud of themselves for the things they worked hard at and other people have voted for and judged and decided they are the best.

If you get upset that others are winning awards and are proud of it, when you never even entered, that says more about you than it does about them. It’s your issue and your negative attitude, not theirs.

14. People who use after care as blackmail.

“If I let you play with me for half an hour, you have to give me three days of pampering” gets so fucking old. If you want a relationship, you’re not going to get it through casual play and unreasonable demands of after-pandering.

If you can’t deal with the ramifications of the play you ASKED FOR, then you don’t need to be playing at this bdsm stuff. This is serious shit we’re doing. It’s not for the faint of heart.

Just because a couple movies made it look like fun hawtness doesn’t mean everyone in the world could or SHOULD be doing it.

15. People who think poly means they can hump everyone in the world.

Poly is a series of relationships too. If you just want to be slut of the world, then say so. Using the world poly as an excuse to slut around disrespects those who work hard at their relationships.

16. People who think wearing a collar will solve all their problems and make life easier.

It doesn’t. Those same problems will still be there and you’ll still have to deal with them. A leather band around your neck or a change in your screen name won’t make them magically poof out of existence.

17. People who think being dominant means perfect and mind reader.

So not going to happen. Doms are people. They have bad moments. They have bad days. They forget things just like everyone else. They’re not clairvoyant. They cannot know something is amiss unless the bottom/sub/slave speaks up.

18. People saying they’re no limits BECAUSE he’s not off his rocker and won’t chop off a limb.

Just because he won’t do an insane thing doesn’t mean the sub is no limits. No limits means the sub WOULD do that thing IF he said he wanted to. Not having limits has nothing to do with what the dom will or won’t do. It has everything to do with what the sub/slave WILL do.

19. People who are bisexual and poly and get mad at others for being monogamous and heterosexual.

Ya know what? Their heterosexuality is so totally NOT about you. It’s about them. And it’s not their problem that you don’t like that they wouldn’t fuck you for all the tea in China. They wouldn’t fuck ANYONE of the same sex for all the tea in China, so that excludes half the people in the world.

And the monogamous part means EVERYONE in the world is excluded except ONE person. GET OVER IT! Their monogamy has nothing to do with you personally.

20. People who have never done a thing deciding for others what is or is not safe.

If you’ve never done it, you wouldn’t know. I’ve never done needle play. You don’t see me telling others how to have safe needle play. I’ve never done suspension. You don’t see me telling other people how to safely perform Shibari.

If you’ve never done it, shut the fuck up already.

You’re NOT helping. In fact, you’re hurting the efforts of those who actually have done it and really do know. You’re muddying the waters by providing erroneous information and passing it off as gospel.

21. People who think everyone comes to the site just to find someone to fuck and that there is no other valid reason to be here.

Social website, nimrod. Says right there in the TOU (Terms of Use).

Social means sharing the many aspects of our lives and not just the one thing many of us have in common – liking to fuck.

22. Women who don’t like penetration for more than five minutes, can’t stand cum on them, who are in a relationship solely with their vibrator…yelling at men who do want to have sex.

Just because you don’t like to fuck doesn’t mean other people can’t mention sex around you. Why are you here on this site if you’re so sex-negative in the first place?

It may not be a hook-up site, but it’s sure centered around all things sex and kink-positive. So if you’re actually NOT a sexual being and you hate all things having to do with sex and you’re NOT kinky, don’t go to events, don’t meet people, are not a toppish person and not a bottomish person…then why are taking up space here?

I’m an Atheist. You don’t see me going to Christian websites and then bitching that people are interested in and are talking about Christ.

That’s what you’re doing here.

23. People deciding for others who is real or not based solely on whether or not they have public face pics.

So very erroneous.

Not having a face pic you can see doesn’t mean I’ve not caned and beaten bloody all those asses I’ve caned and beaten bloody. It doesn’t mean I’ve not attended two parties a month for two years or been in the public scene for five years. Doesn’t mean I’ve not sold all those floggers I made for eight years.

Not having a face pic you can see doesn’t mean I’ve not been in the relationships I’ve been in and that I’ve not done the things I’ve done.

Rather the reverse. It is BECAUSE of the things I do that you cannot see my face.

When we meet face to face, THEN you can see my face. What are the odds of that happening? Slim and nil, because you are hundreds of miles away.

When you send me a friend request and I accept it, THEN you can see my face. What are the odds of that? Slim and nil. Remember, you think I’m not real because I’m not blasting my face for three million people I don’t know to see. So I guess you’re just shit outta luck because I already know what a closed-minded ass you are and I don’t friend closed-minded asses.

24. People who have never met, who conduct their d/s relationship entirely online, saying they’re in a long distance relationship.

If you’d met and then separated for whatever reason (military, job transfer, etc) and were maintaining the relationship until you could be together again, I’d agree.

But if you’ve never met the person in the first place and there’s no plan to permanently be together in the flesh, then it’s nothing more than a cyberland relationship. It’s a dead-end piece of hot air.

25. Women who had one weekend with a dude five states away two years ago and think that qualifies them to speak on all things about being a 24/7 slave.

No, it doesn’t. Really, it doesn’t. You’re qualified to speak on visiting someone for a weekend and flying home and returning to your existing life. Nothing more.

26. People who come to the site wondering what a sub is (or what a dom is), proclaiming they are the bestest sub (or dom) in the world three weeks later, decrying all others who don’t sub (or dom) like they do (even though they haven’t actually done it with anyone yet), who then complain they’ve had four blind dates and nothing came of it, and two weeks after that they’re the perfect slave (or master) for every occasion and two weeks after that, they’re a pro dom.

Schizophrenia is a treatable condition. Please look into it.

27. People who post to a group of thousands of complete strangers to get validation for their own bad behavior and so they can point the BAD DOM or BAD SUB finger at their partner.

Settle that shit between yourselves.

I don’t agree with taking “house business” to the intertubez for resolution in the first place. I’m not part of your relationship. Those thousands of other strangers are not part of your relationship. We don’t know the other person. We don’t have all the facts and we never will because you’re going to hold back the parts that make you look worse and you’re going to play up the parts that make them look worse.

28. People who take themselves so super serial seriously that they get themselves into a frothing, apoplectic fit when other people post opinions and experience counter to their own.

It’s just a website, people. No one is going to like all the sex things you like. No one is going to have all the exact kinks you do. No one is going to think exactly the same way about exactly the same things, either positive or negative.

And that’s okay! The personal opinions of others are NOT a personal affront toward you.

No one’s opinions have any impact on your own life. Honest.

——————————————————————————–

Dame Tyler is a real-world, experienced sadomasochist who’s been doing this stuff almost literally half Her life. Author of the award winning books Peeper and Arlyn the Deliverer, She is forever writing and will no doubt die with a pen in Her hand and a thesaurus open on Her thigh. She also crochets, quilts and bakes. You can donate supplies for Dame Tyler’s Charity Works. Check it all out HERE!

Why you Don’t & Won’t Have What you Want by The Mistress Didi* is an excerpt from Her Ask Mistress Didi* Mentoring blog.

June 2014

Q: Dear Mistress Didi,

Dear Mistress Didi*,

You were unfair to dismiss me… i tried my best to serve You… You didn’t give me a chance… [Other whining without acknowledging responsibility omitted.]

‑ “pitty-me” sub

I encourage people, especially Dominants, to pass this on to subs, “wanna-subs,” and others who dare to attempt to guilt You into tolerating their abominable behaviors.

PAY ATTENTION:

I am consistent for a reason: to maintain the excellence of My Domain on My terms and to thwart whining attempts to top from the bottom and other idiot behaviors by manipulative creatures. The Rules of My Domain are provided to EVERYONE, listed on My websites, and even listed on The DommeSalon™ site so that there are NO valid reasons nor opportunities for irresponsible, whiny, outrage that you do not have what you want — and you never will — not from Me or anyone of value.

I am unique. I take the time to be as clear as possible by writing My requirements and making them available to EVERY person who desires to be a part of My Domain and I also make My Rules publicly available. VERY few Dominants do this – why they don’t baffles Me when the practice cuts down on the fakers, shakers, and annoyance makers. The process I use for My Rules is consistent with how I run My Domain and My businesses. I seldom, if ever, deviate from this process because it is the deal-breaker when people want to “work their idiocy.”

When your intention is to use a situation to accommodate who you think you are without respect for the situation, you deny the opportunity for growth of any kind and you will always end up being deficient from the same pattern of behavior as demonstrated by your failure in My Domain:

1) you psyche yourself into believing you are worthy of a situation that thrills you – that you do NOT have in your life, but which you DO want. Many people see a BDSM movie and, just because they think they are amused by identifyng with a Dominant or get a stirring in their loins from thoughts of being a submissive, they believe that they ARE already this fantasy as a reality. Foolishly, because you know that you’re full of XXXX, you want to believe that I am – though I repeat Myself when I tell everyone that this world and way of being is My REALITY AND MY LIFESTYLE.

I often encounter this scenario with newbie Dominants who, after seeking My counsel and tutelage, get carried away and think they can tell ME how to be a Domme… What’s worse are the ones who forget their manners and dare to think they can dick-tate the terms of Our relationship to Me (see Confusing Dominance For Bullying).

2) you RECEIVE AND AGREE to My Rules, which I email to you prior to permitting you to connect with Me for service and you say anything to get moving on your scheme of crazy thinking that I will acquiesce to the ridiculous standards that you are accustomed to with the silly females (and males) in your life.

What always amazes Me is how any of you can think that you are so “special” that I will suddenly NOT maintain the Domain I’ve built and have sustained for the greater part of My life because you popped up wanting the same thing I’ve heard for many years and continue to hear day in and day out. None of you are ever original; same stupidity, different moron.

REMEMBER: you want What I Have and Who I Am because on your deepest level, you know that the value given to you by the silly females/males in your realm is FALSE. you need Me and Mine to desperately try to convince yourself otherwise. you should be grateful to these silly people and treat them better. Their delusional love for and about you may be all you have to get you through your life. While less than what you want and deserve, atleast, be worthy of them.

3) you LIE and attempt to cheat by not honoring your agreement/following instructions and try to shirk your responsibility in all aspects of the scenario. Worse, you dare to pull a “brat attack.” I do not see how anyone with an iota of intelligence can think that I will be guilty for NOT accepting your choice to be inferior.

4) Soon, you realize that you’ve dug your own grave because, again, I HAVE WHAT you WANT, NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND. I graciously gave you the chance to step up and show up to be worthy of what you want and you failed. That recognition of your reality is going to eat at you for an eternity. Why? Because:

you maintain delusions of believing you are greater than you will ever be because you do NO work to be better;

you will always be inferior because you are lazy and ludicrous; and

you refuse to accept personal responsibility for your failings and, therefore, will fail in your goals by either doing a half-azzed job which will result in ineptitude or by not realizing them at all. you will remain a loser.

5) When you fail in your pathetic tirade to Me, you run to any and every loser who will gobble your maligning tales against Me like the toxic, gluttons they are. you will then foolishly believe that you found your niche and a “community” where you can live out your fantasies. The only thing you will find are others who mirror your inadequacies. your reputation will become known by Quality Fetishists and humans, who will shun you. The more you associate with slime, the faster your lack of value will be noticeable by those who actually have what you desire.

Think of it this way: puss starts small and expands –> gangrene –> amputation –> discard of the useless appendage –> beauty marred and functionality impaired –> life sux more and is harder.

IMPORTANT NOTE: This analogy is meant to connect a personality defect to the physical level for better conceptual comprehension. If you are a soldier who lost a limb(s) honorably, NO ONE OF VALUE will consider you less beautiful and definitely not less functional because soldiers are miraculous people who CAN do anything. Remove your greatness from anyone who does not appreciate you. This is why it is so important for Us to SUPPORT OUR TROOPS, VOTE FOR Veteran Benefits, and pay attention towho/which pundits do not (always the same creatures who want to send everyone else’s children to war).

While there are a lot like you, there is only one Me. you will quickly be replaced by those who are always waiting in line to serve Me and those who follow The Rules are always granted sanctuary in My Domain. Those who enact the mediocre behaviors that define you will join you in the world of sleaze, greed, and irresponsible dangers parading as fetishists in the world today.

Summary

you are delusional in your views of yourself and when given the opportunity to indulge in what someone else created that you want, you refuse to do any work to be worthy of it;

you lack respect for what you want and those who have created it and you lie, cheat, and attempt to defame when you fail; and

you refuse to accept personal responsibility for your failings and you will remain a pathetic loser.

It is important that when you make contact with me for consideration as a member of my household that you follow basic etiquette. Know that how you type, and the efforts you make or don’t make will indicate if you are a knowledgeable and polite person.

Read my entire profile and peruse my writings first. Make sure that you know what I am looking for so that you don’t waste your time or mine. If you are still not certain, please ask.

Be sure the Subject: field accurately reflects the content of your email. A few well-chosen words are all that are necessary.

Until we are well acquainted, avoid using abbreviations, such as IMHO (in my humble opinion) or TTYL (talk to you later). Don’t assume that I am familiar with them.

Emails with typos are simply not taken as seriously. Take time to spell and grammar check, if you expect me to take my time to read it.

Don’t over or under-use punctuation. It takes me that much longer to process what you are trying say.

If you are sending an attachment, make note of it and describe what the attachment is for in the body. I am very wary of attachments due to the threat of computer viruses.

Be sure that you understand the meaning of every word you use. There are too many Internet sources so you cannot claim ignorance or no resources.

Read your email out loud to ensure the feeling is that which you desire. I realize that it is challenging to capture nuances of mood and feeling with messages and will make some allowances. However, a few additions of the words “please” and “thank you” go a long way!

Never assume the intent of an email from me. If you are not sure – ask!

If your email is emotionally charged, walk away from the computer and wait to reply. Review my email again so that you are sure you are not reading anything into the email that simply isn’t there.

Don’t hesitate to say thank you, how are you, or appreciate your response and generally end your emails with something gracious.

Just because I don’t ask for a response doesn’t mean that I don’t expect one. Always acknowledge my emails in a timely manner. Three days is acceptable; seven to ten days if unable to sign on due to life-in-general issues.

Posting or forwarding of private email is downright rude. You need to request and receive my permission first!

Safety Tips For Dommes by The Mistress Didi* is an excerpt from Her Ask Mistress Didi* advice blog.

February 28, 2013

Q: Dear Mistress Didi,

I heard about the horrible tragedy of [NAME WITHHELD] and now I’m afraid. How am I supposed to find subs when such horrible things ARE happening?

~ Miss J

*****

Dear Miss J,

I am writing this as a public service to Dommes and Women everywhere and I encourage Us all to share these precautions with the younger generations.

The world is full of nut-jobs and people who are wealthy enough to have some “professional” enable them to avoid taking responsibility for their actions by deeming that they have a “disorder,” putting them on cocktails of medications, making Big Pharma richer, and giving them an excuse from prosecution to the fullest for their crimes.

It’s scary out there and although nut-jobs can get through your filters, there are precautions that EVERY Domme should take – every woman, for that matter. Unfortunately, there are many horrid cases of Women who let their delusions of Dominance get in the way of their intelligence.

My suggestions to protect Yourself in EVERY way possible are:

1) Keep your private life private. We all have Scene Names for a reason: to protect Our privacy which includes Our family, friends, associates, submissives, Play partners, pets, your favorite grocery store, etc. A common mistake that a lot of confused Dommes make is to want to be liked/accepted by potential submissives, which is exactly the opposite of what You’re supposed to do. The submissive’s goal is to want to be liked and accepted by YOU through proper service and good deeds. ONLY after a considerable amount of time of service (for Me, sometimes several years) should a submissive be allowed into Your personal realm. It is also important that you respect others’ privacy as well. Do not divulge information; let the person choose what She wants to be known and to whom by relaying the information Herself.

2) Don’t be a “desperate Domme.” Too many people make the mistake of approaching submissive acquisition and training from a void within their lives. “Accoutrements,” as I call them, are supposed to be an addition to Your already full life; not a missing piece to the puzzle. One submissive cannot be everything. That is why I have the motto: From each according to their ability; to each according to My desires (a little play on Marx & Engells). Remember, it is better to have no subs than even one “substandard.” Desperation makes people ignore signs of trouble and make decisions that are contrary to their best interests.

3) Have a buddy system. One of the best rules that My Mother had and still has for Me and My friends is to call when We get home or wherever We’re going. Always have your whereabouts and whom you are with known to a trusted associate who will look out for you. Be certain to give names and cell phone numbers and, one thing I insist upon, is license plate info. Not only is this a smart thing to do, but it is a courteous thing to do for those who love and care for you. Should anything happen, your chances are better with as much information as possible for the authorities.

4) Be very careful of whom you consider a “friend.” Unfortunately, too many people think that just because someone agrees with them, seems to think the way they do, has similar interests, etc., that you are both on the same level. Before getting close to someone:

a) Observe the words they use in general because words ARE indications of how the person (1) interprets the world and people in it, and (2) will behave. Notice the patterns and relationships in their language. For example, a person whose conversation is predominantly about distrust of others is not to be trusted. And a person whose conversation is about woe and failure will be a saboteur to herself (and probably at some point to you). People always project what they dislike most about themselves onto others;

b) Observe how they respect Your privacy. Beware of people who need to discuss Your business as part of conversations with others because their carelessness can endanger You. Definitely confront them politely and point out how You wish Your privacy to be respected. If they are unable to control themselves, cut them loose;

c) Associate with “like kinds of people.” One of My “issues” from childhood is (still) being compassionate and wanting everyone to be able to play (and as an adult, “Play”). I was always the kid at the playground who got everyone involved in a game. Even as a child, those twisted-misfit-socially-inept kids would turn on Me at some point even though they knew they would go back to being outcasts. Whether this is idiot-nature or “disorder nature” is irrelevant; the fact is that some people are so comfortable in their discomfort that when they get the opportunity to have what they want, they choose to operate from fear and unworthiness and attack the giver. Every back-stabbing-dumb-bitch you’ve ever known is one of these misfits who does not believe s/he is worthy of what You represent and, as losers always do, they try to dim Your Light so they can remain in darkness.

The TRUTH is that these people are NOT worthy of Your energies and that is their choice. Respect their choices to be unhappy, miserable, lying to themselves and the world, etc., as You want Your choice to be fabulous to be respected;

d) Practice forgiveness but don’t be stupid. Jesus said to “turn the other cheek” but did not say to get beat up! My late stepfather, a theosophist, offered an interesting point: that to turn the other cheek meant to approach the person in a different way rather than to give them another chance to show you how they are limited. In other words, when you give them another chance, give directions (subtle or not) in what is expected of them so that they have the opportunity to evolve to where you are. If this person continues in unacceptable behavior, release them from Your environment.

5) Always have a back-up plan. Don’t forget that Our Scene is a fantasy for most, so many don’t believe that they need to respect you and your wishes because it’s not their real-life. You should treat everything about you as real and don’t rely on anyone until they have proven to be of value and trustworthy. Do not go out with people unless you have the means to take care of your expenses and a way to get back home.

6) Maintain protocols. The lack of manners and class is running rampant as more and more people spawn instead of raise their children. Too many people have entitlement issues that are completely unwarranted. When people become too familiar with you, they will diminish your standing to themselves which leads to nothing but problems. The use of titles, order-and-response rules, postures, etc., not only maintains the level of integrity of relationships, it preserves the specialness of Our Scene.

7) Choose Your words carefully and don’t get caught up in “hate bait.” The internet is full of websites for gruesomes to get together and try to attack all of the people who ARE DOING FABULOUS THINGS while they don’t even offer tiny bits of beauty for Us to enjoy. No matter what You say, some loser will choose to pick individual words to make their jealousy-based, false fantasy an attack on You. NEVER do they ever feel better about themselves; the illusion that they “top” You merely distracts them from their self-loathing long enough until they find the next person to attack. Avoid engagements with people who have nothing to offer – not even to themselves. If You feel You must address a situation concerning them, do it in the “third person” – speak about a concept which reflects them, but not directly to them.Don’t let your ego get you ensnared; completely have no care about what they have to say. Ignore them and they will go away to feed off of someone else. If you absolutely feel you MUST address them, thank them for reminding you of what The Bible says and link to Matthew 7:6.

8) Don’t ignore your intuition and/or warning signs and report offenders immediately. We have intuition for a reason. Pay attention to it. If it feels wrong, it IS wrong. Better to mistake that sign of warning than to have a headstone on your grave as a sign to warn others. Keep records of activities in case you need them as proof of offenses.Too often, We are afraid of what others may “think” of Us (e.g., that We’re paranoid), but remember this: people will think and believe whatever they choose to – no matter what the facts are. And if they were capable of intelligent thought, they would focus on creating happiness their own lives instead of being in judgment of yours.

One thing that I find stupid in Our Scene is the practice of “don’t tell” that protects offenders and endangers other people. If you are not a part of the solution, you are a part of the problem.Even though My so-called-friends at the time witnessed the activities of a dangerous stalker, those pathetic creatures were annoyed with ME for telling the world about him. No one wants to admit that My actions calmed his craziness down and he is now under control. I will insist until the end of My days that if offenders are “outted,” offenses will be curtailed because people are afraid of confrontation and being ostracized from groups almost more than they are afraid of going to jail. This is a reason that Meagan’s Law works. I advise that the group is not worthy of your energies if they do not support your safety and wellness – and the wellness of others – by allowing offenders to roam freely and continue to be unpunished.

9) Do not leave food or drink unattended and do not eat or drink anything you did not see prepared. People are drugged and violated every day. Nothing else needs to be said.

10) Be aware of what’s happening in the news. Every time one of those silly, “buffies” from a gated, suburban community moves to New York City and decides to go jogging in Central Park at dangerous times of the day, I’m more offended that an innocent, Black and/or Hispanic male will be jailed – as happened with The Central Park 5 – than I am that another female was endangered by extreme ignorance and arrogance. Ignorance, especially today with the internet literally at your fingertips, is NO excuse. Know what to be aware of and where, and take steps to protect yourself.

Resource: “The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker draws on his extensive expertise to explode the myth that most violent acts are random and unpredictable and shows that they usually have discernible motives and are preceded by clear warning signs. Through dozens of compelling stories from his own career and life, he unravels the complexities of violent behavior and details the pre-incident indicators (PINs) that can determine if someone poses a danger to us.”

NOTE: There is no need to understand the astrological specifics to gain the tremendous value of this insight.

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Lyrics: Lee Brice – Hard to Love

“I am insensitive, I have a tendency to pay more attention to the things that I need. Sometimes I drink too much, sometimes I test your trust, sometimes I don’t know why you stay with me. I’m hard to love, hard to love, no, I don’t make it easy. I couldn’t do it if I stood where you stood. I’m hard to love, hard to love, you say that you need me, I don’t deserve it but I love that you love me, girl.”

Codependence is an emotional defense system set up to protect our wounded inner child from the shame of being exposed as unlovable and unworthy, stupid and weak, a loser and failure, or whatever message we received. We were taught how to determine our own self-worth by comparing ourselves to others. Am I “smarter than, prettier than, faster than, richer than, more successful than, thinner than, stronger than,” you get the picture? In a codependent society the only way to feel good about “me” is to look down on someone else. Thus we learned to judge (just as our primary caretakers did) others in order to feel good about ourselves. Being “right” was one of the most important ways to know that “I have worth.”

The state of our relationships in our society is going through a metamorphosis as we relax into the tension of change and flux, compliments of Uranus squaring Pluto. Moving from the dysfunctional mode of “power over another” into a state of “sharing power with another” is going to take time. Coming into the 4th of 5 New Moons at 21 degrees we are but one month away from the completion of this particular cycle of shedding an emotional skin.

I can’t think of a more appropriate symbol for this transition period than the symbol for the upcoming Chinese New Year, the year of the Snake. It’s time to shed! The snake sheds its skin on a regular basis and is temporarily blinded as it goes through the process. Aquarius is an Air sign and the Aquarius symbol is of a woman pouring water from the heavens onto the Earth. As above, so below and this year we are focusing on “as within, so without.” That’s the big Cosmic Joke. From this point forward the work we do will be done “within,” slow, steady sensible and practical!

Posers, players, pranksters and banksters can only succeed when we continue responding in the traditional dysfunctional manner. The New Moon is in multi-dimensionalAquarius @ 21 degrees, which is ruled by Uranus (surprise/serendipity) and Saturn (time/generations), our hosts of this event. Here’s the deal. It takes 6 months to 1 year to integrate a new vibratory harmonic. We’re speaking of Uranus square Pluto. A surprise is due for the new 1% who currently are redefining the meaning of wealth.

What if the word “wealth” meant, “to have something that money cannot buy,” and it defined the new 1%? What would we call the 99%? Where would you fall in the 47% of the US population that depends on the government to take care of them? That changes the whole equation. See, there we go again comparing ourselves to someone else. It’s a great big ole’ dis-function (Pluto) to fill the pockets of the media companies (Uranus) to ensure that we continue our main diet of TV, smartphones and internet. They educate us through advertising and keep us plugged into the mentality that there is something “out there” that will make “me happy inside.” That’s an interesting thought isn’t it? If I diss you I feel better about me. Perfect dysfunction!

Relationships of power (Scorpio) are based on someone being right OR wrong. There can’t be a winner without there being a loser. Handing over one’s power to someone else to make oneself happy is what we were taught as children. Remember the childhood fairy tales we were told? It’s a magic formula for writers; boy meets girl, boy loses girl, boy gets girl back and they ride off into the sunset, right? There was always a winner, a loser and a “happy ever after.” Happiness comes from within and our true wealth is happiness that cannot be purchased with money.

Saturn is our legacy and is sitting at 11 Scorpio preparing to Rx on the 18th, which also just happens to be the degree of the upcoming November 3, 2013 New Moon Eclipse. We are laying a foundation for change in November. It’s always a cycle within a cycle and it’s time to shed some of our inhibitions with the main guideline being to “do no harm.” Life unfolds in stages. Finding the balance between co-dependence and counter-dependence is a “walk of art.” It takes conscious effort and a whole lot of practice. Since we were all taught that “therelationship” is the goal we have set ourselves up from the get-go to be disappointed because someone else “can’t make me happy.” Uh-oh!

It’s the race between what can’t be and what is emerging that is unfolding before our very eyes. Since there are so few examples of relationships that share power it’s no wonder many choose to fill their lives with friendships and family as their source of full-fill-ment. Many are happier being a whole person rather than half a couple! From 0 Aquarius to 8 Pisces there are 8 planets, lights and asteroids; Asteroid DNA, Venus, Mercury, Sun, Neptune, Chiron, Mars and the New Moon. That is a great deal of focus in Aquarius (multiple dimensions) and Pisces (mirrors).

“I am a short fuse. I am a wrecking ball crashing into your heart like I do. You’re like a Sunday morning full of grace and full of Jesus. I wish that I could be more like you. I’m hard to love, hard to love, no, I don’t make it easy. I couldn’t do it if I stood where you stood, I’m hard to love, hard to love. You say that you need me, I don’t deserve it but I love that you love me, girl. Love me, girl.”

Mercury (listening), Mars (action) and Chiron (what I can’t give myself but I can give to you) in Pisces are going to bring a significant topic of discussion about the changes that need to be made between “you and me.” Depending on how co-dependent we are functioning will determine the discussion between “you and me.” There’s a better than average chance that many will be disappointed in the person/group/cause that they handed their power over to and expected to find happiness in exchange for giving the power away. We are not halves that cannot be whole without a relationship and there is no goal to take us to “happily ever after.”

The New Moon @ 21 Aquarius is at a very tense angle to the Nodes (Soul blueprint/comfort zone) @ 21 Scorpio (within)/Taurus (without), and Venus (my relationship to love & money) is squaring Saturn (consequences for my actions). It’s time for us to begin recognizing the difference between a healthy relationship and a toxic relationship. Physics require tension to make something happen, to create movement, to change. Everyone is now ready as we head toward the next and last New Moon at 21 Pisces next month. Shed! If we weren’t taught what is real and what is toxic, how do we recognize it? Like you, I am very familiar with toxic relationships and they are easy to spot when you know what to look for.

A true relationship is the development of a self- first priority while toxic relationships are the obsession with “getting a relationship.” True relationships have room to grow and expand but a toxic relationship finds security and comfort in sameness and this intensity of need is seen as proof of love (read the song lyrics again). If it’s real we’re happy with our different interests, friends and we maintain other meaningful relationships/friendships. Toxic relationships are comprised of total involvement with little or no other social life and we let old friends and interests fall by the wayside.

Real relationships encourage one another, trust one another, will compromise and negotiate, you know, take turns. Toxic relationships don’t like change, are jealous or possessive and one tries to control another through shame or blame. Sex is a gift given in a real relationship, but a toxic relationship will pressure another for it. Anyone who tries to manipulate (Scorpio) you by making you feel bad about yourself is very toxic.

Our relationships with others are a reflection of how we relate to self. It’s all part of the dysfunction and everyone on this spaceship we callEarth suffers from one form of dysfunction or another. If we don’t start facing it and talking about it will take forever to heal ourselves. Pay attention this week because we will all notice the tension building. We shed the skin of dysfunction when we recognize that someone is affecting us.

If you find yourself feeling hurt, scared and angry there are questions that need to be addressed. “What button just got pushed? Why am I reacting so strongly to this? How old do I feel right now? In what way does what is happening feel like something that happened in my childhood? How does this remind me of the way my parents acted or treated me?” All these questions lead us within, where we keep the truth from others and ourselves at times. The longest distance we will ever travel is the 18 inches from “head to heart.” Connect and shed! Balance!

I bring all of this to your attention because for 5 months the Universe has been nudging us to make changes in our point of view to see how we have perpetuated the lie (Scorpio) taught to us by multiple generations (Saturn). Next month all the planets will be in one sign Pisces. Talk about the Universe squeezing us! The news will be filled with all kinds of stories about the players, posers, pranksters and banksters who are trying to get power or who are losing power. Who has power over your life? The New Moon sets the tone for the coming 4 weeks, so ride the wave as best you can and please, please be kind to yourself as you go through the process of shedding the dysfunction this month. Stop comparing yourself to others! It’s a no-win situation, I promise! Everybody’s a winner when we are honest with self. All our relationships are a reflection of the past in the present! Happy “NEW YOU” Year!

“Girl, you’ve given me a million second chances and I don’t ever wanna take you for granted, I’m just a man, I’m just a man. Hard to love, hard to love, oh, I don’t make it easy and I couldn’t do it if I stood where you stood. I’m hard to love, hard to love and you say that you need me. I don’t deserve it but I love that you love me, girl. You love me, girl.”

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