日曜日, 5月 6

her

Goddamn. I've been havinga hell of a time with drawingthese last few weeks. My handsjust go turbo-retard and thereis nothing I can do about it.

So, here is a shitty painting.It seems to be the extent ofmy ability as of right now. I guess I should do some basic anatomy sketches and see if Ican get my shit back faster.

I'm restarting Terminal, for like,the fucking fourth time. BecauseI've just not been happy with it and I think I can do so much morewith it than what I have. It sortafucks up my idea of it being anongoing, but such is art and life.

Maybe taking a step back would be key here. If it's not flowing for you, don't force it. You may only get more frustrated, and you may feel like you are not getting anywhere, whether you are or aren't.

Retarded Hand Syndrome (or RHS as we professionals call it), may or may not be a serious condition which afflicts many but few people. I recommend also maybe concentrate on other endeavors, maybe writing, kayaking, badminton, or croquet is in order.

Whatever the case, I think that a young man like yourself will be able to overcome the effects of short term RHS with proper nutrition and a balanced diet. These things are not to be taken lightly my friend. No they are not.

It's a short term setback. Just give it time, and you too can proclaim "I am a RHS survivor." ;)

I sometimes think of this problem as split personality syndrome. As if we all have two sides to us: imagination, and serious. Maybe you're just letting "serious" have too much control...

at least that's the way I have to deal with these things, finding ways to quit taking myself so serious, quit thinking that I want to make something good. Sounds backwards, but if I don't care about the outcome of what I'm making, then it turns outo better.

Ester, you're very correct about that. I don't know if that's my current problem, but it's certainly a problem I face when I have a specific intent with an image. It's a fucking irritating problen when trying to get together submissions for publishers, and having to deal with specific images and characters. But, I'm working on it. I hope it's something that I'll overcome in time.

It's also hard to not care about how an image turns out when I go into turbo-retard mode, you know? All I want is for something to look decent, and I get caught up in the 'specific intent' thing again. I fear it's a snake eating it's own tail.

Whenever I'm creatively dry, I try to remember the root of my problem, and in most cases I have become too worried about product, rather than the action of creating - which are totally different things to be concerned about. The activity of drawing means that product is nothing more than a documentation of the fun you had while creating. And for me, having more fun in drawing means concentrating harder - not about the final piece, but zoning in super intently in the exact moment that I'm working. When I zone in the moment, I notice things so much more vividly, brightly - I see how shapes interlock, how colors shift so subtly, what beautiful lines connect everywhere. For me, all I need to do is really take a deep notice of my surroundings and what I'm working on, rather than thinking at all about what I want in the end. It's kind of as if this imagination side is a spoiled child who will not accept the parents' version of play, when the parent thinks good art means perfect product, and the child could care less about the end result of their play. Imagination knows that it's bullshit and will always want the fun to be found in making things.

When I think about it on a little deeper level, I'm glad that it works this way for me because it's like a map that will always bring me back to a true source of happiness, rather than finding pleasure in products of this world that never last. It's in the moment of creation, not the created. The farther I can concentrate on that moment and be there with it 100%, the deeper I feel satisfied with my work. (Not that any of this is probably new to you, but maybe a small reminder can help). I know exactly your fears with trying to develop a career with your art. I'm in the same boat because I don't do things for other people as well as I can do them for myself. It's like a mental block, because those are the times I focus too much on product rather than the playtime of creating. It sounds simple, but it's a mental shift is all - and a difficult one to wrap your mind around in the beginning. I'm just beginning too, and I can see how I need to create art for myself, rather than for someone else, even in situations when someone else expects something of me. Most of the time that's all in my mind anyway, because people call you when they want to see YOUR work, which is easy to forget.

Wow... that's better than I could ever put it, and dead on how I feel about it.

Though, there is the problem with getting your work to a place where someone would call you because they want to see YOUR work, and know that you can handle THEIR work in a timely manner. This is the place where I get caught. It's the pressure, you know? But, I suppose it's something that only time and practice can halp. Maybe I'm just not there yet.

I guess it's just something I should continue to work on. Nothing wrong with a challenge.