Brooklyn Rents Are Higher Than Ever! (But We Still Won’t Call It a Rent Apocalypse Because That’s Absurd)

We’re living in the end of days. How do I know? Well, apparently we’re in the middle of what some news outlets are calling a “rent apocalypse.” Does that mean all the good apartments are getting raptured and ascending to heaven to chill out with God and whoever else is up there chilling with God? And does that mean that all the bad apartments, the sinful apartments, are forced to stay here in Brooklyn, writhing in agony, enduring punishments like having their pressed-tin ceilings torn asunder or their brownstone facades covered in vinyl siding? The horror! Or, oh. Wait. Does the latest rent apocalypse only mean that rents are higher again? It does? Got it. Does the word “apocalypse” mean nothing anymore? Is the idea of the wrath of God not held sacred by anyone? Is this what happens in a godless place like New York City? I guess so.

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Anyway, rents are higher in Brooklyn. The latest report from realty company Douglas Elliman offers this staggering bit of information: Brooklyn is having its “highest median rental price in over five years.” And what exactly is that median price? $2,850/month, which is a 4.6% increase over Brooklyn rents from the same month (August) last year. But is there any good news? Actually, not really. The median price of a studio rental in Brooklyn has remained stable from last month (but it’s still a ridiculous $2,001/month but, you know, it’ only increased by a buck), and the price of two-bedrooms has actually decreased by over 4% since last month. But both of those prices are much, much higher than they were last year and the cost of renting one-bedrooms or three- or more-bedrooms remain steadily rising. This sucks.

But does all this add up to an apocalypse? Hardly. Why not? Well, because these prices are only for apartments in the north and northwest parts of Brooklyn, according to Elliman. In other words, all the places that are already out of your price range? They’re still out of your price range, only a little bit more. Moral of the story? Move to Sunset Park or Kensington where prices are crazy high, but not, like, apocalyptically high. At least, not yet.