Ageing Baby Boomer Scott Morrison was sent into a screaming fit after watching a report on Channel Nine’s A Current Affair, which showed that most young Australians don’t have extensive investment property holdings, and virtually none have a diversified share portfolio.

“This 24-year-old had no house, no steady job, and didn’t even want to be 55 yet. Back in my day it only took 24 years to be at least 50 years old — with hard work that is,” Mr Morrison told parliament. “These precious little millennial snowflakes insist on ageing at the exact same rate as time passes.”

Morrison was disgusted that none of the millennials depicted on the programme had any children about to graduate high school, yet they claimed they were “trying their best.” He said that he had bought his first home by saving up for the deposit of two-and-six-pence by delivering newspapers. “My advice to millennials is to get a paper run, and save up the $200,000 required for a deposit on a house. Easy.”

“Perhaps if they didn’t spend so much on avocado on toast they’d be at a more mature age by now.”