Furlough 58: Frenemies

It was a good day. It’s always a good day when I’m writing or even when I sit down to attempt to write.

But up-and-down was my butt from the writer’s seat today. I was distracted by a little bit of caffeine, I was distracted by the conversation that I was having with people I was texting, I was distracted by the fact that it’s my brothers birthday and I had photos to post (happy birthday Andy!).

And it’s not a coincidence that I was distracted today because I am returning to my rough draft for the first time in about a month to look it over, pick it apart and form it for my next draft. Of course I didn’t want to do this. I was nervous my draft would suck, anxious that I’d wasted all my time on something useable, and all the other negative feelings of Resistance.

To combat this, I recognized that this Resistance was not a bad thing (an old idea I once believed in) but a compass pointing to where I had to go. Resistance is always a good sign. Why?

Because you can’t get strong without lifting weights and you can’t get strong by lifting a weight once a year. Your Resistance is there because your Ego likes normal, safe, boring things because they keep you alive. Even things that won’t kill you (like writing a novel) triggers the trauma of evolution (new = dangerous = bad). It’s tough but I’m learning to embrace Resistance and Ego. Slowly. Ever so slowly.

So I took a deep breath, reminding myself that I was a doing my best and that I was doing good, hard work, and got back to it.

I was tested today. Did I pass the test? I don’t know, but I think I did. I’m fighting on either way.

Not every day is going to be good and not every day is going to be perfect (scratch that: there is no prefect). What work I’ve done, I’m proud of it and for having completed it.