You laughed at my hardtimes…I said nothing.You sabotaged anything that was put into place to help me advance…I said nothing.Called me a dummy,I said nothing.Overlooked me…I said nothing.Talked shit about me to your bff and I heard you, but…I said nothing.Hid food so I couldn’t eat,I said nothing.Gave me the cold shoulder, treated me as if I was disgusting, like I am less than you.And still I said nothing.Talked about me behind my back…NothingPretended to care, when your actions showed the truth that your mouth wouldn’t tell.And yet I said nothing.

Truth is I was already tattered and torn when I met you. This you knew.

My self esteem was at a low, low. You knew this too.

Abandonment is my Achilles heel and makes it very difficult for me to get close to anyone. You knew.

I met you at my lowest without much of anything be it material or spiritual. This you definitely knew.

I confided in you, blindly put my trust in you, and did a free fall into this new life.

Try as I might to unhear the things you think I don’t.I see more than you would ever know. The fact that I am the butt of your inside jokes is cruel to say the least.How do you find competition with someone who has nothing?

It’s sad. It hurts.

You have broken me, broken my spirit, broken what was left of my will. Congratulations!!!!! YOU WIN!!

While you are still throwing darts with your nose in the air, you won’t even notice the tears that I cry. You won’t see the empty shell that remains of me.

As a matter of fact, I know that you abuse will continue because that’s who you truly are.

I know a black man that is a super man to me. Through the years our friendship has lasted.You’ve seen me through the good and the bad.Applauded my highs, been selflessly supportive in the lows.Not a time that we talk that you dont make me laugh.Always thinking of the little things and aren’t afraid to share your dreams.Black man you are strong with a gentle heart.Your determination is contagious… infecting those that love you.Those that love you like me!!You are my friend, without doubt I can say.Thank you for being you!!Black man… you are loved, treasured, needed, desired, admired, and so much more… most of all black man your life MATTERS!

Pain that all of the words on every book coup possibly explain.Unable to walk, barely able to stand. If you can call the vertical crawl that I am doing standing.Pain in my chest as I labor to breathe. I lay here in fear, with tears in my heart and hiding behind the lids of my eyes. No food near, not a have you eaten spoken by anyone who can change it uttered my way. Haven’t showered in now 5 days, not because I don’t want to but because I can’t lift my leg over the side of the tub and only God knows if I can stand long enough. So I wash up during one of the times that I drag myself to the bathroom. It’s hard to believe that I could be so I uncared about. Is that really the case? Or is it that despite me explaining and saying time and time again how my body is betraying me that those around me don’t get it. I lay here in pain, my mind racing, fear of the unknown yet inevitable. I am already trapped in this body this body that doesn’t work as it should. I don’t remember the last time that something didn’t hurt!! I am afraid! I am alone amongst others. When will it just decide to stop? Holding me captive inside? I feel like everyday I am dying and nobody knows it but me. Today has been horrific and no one sees. Those that I lend my shoulder and my ear at the drop of a dime don’t even see that I am crumbling only a fragment of me. When will anyone see? They won’t! These ailments in my body aren’t called invisible diseases for nothing but I keep on hoping, wishing, and praying that someone, anyone will see… that again there goes the death of a part of me.

Today marks one month that my current city has been under “quarantine”…Over the last month my views, theories, thoughts, and opinions have come and gone and revisited.One thing for sure that remains is that this SUCKS!!If you don’t agree, just don’t come for me about my truth on my rant!!Okay I get it there are an ever growing amount of unknowns and uncertainties coming full speed constantly.So that being said, things change A LOT and FAST!But something has to give!!!No toilet paper, hand sanitizer, alcohol (rubbing), wet wipes, water, etc to be found!Social distancing is the mantra until the exception is the exception.The things that would have landed you on the other side of the law are now required!Children not attending school…Stores limiting buying food…In your PJs working from home…No longer odd to sit home aloneNo more southern hospitalityYou are weird if you speakNo honor to the deadEmpty New York streetsI never thought I would see where locking your child in the house for over a month didn’t earn you a visit from CPS.A Black man in a mask would normally be shot dead in the streets!!But now thanks to Corvid 19 we are being reconditioned to turn a deaf ear and develop a blind eye!The market crashes, crime is at an all time low.2020, please hurry up and go!!

Imagine your family finding out on social media as well or by the smut reporting of none other than the calloused and insensitive reporting of TMZ.

I can’t begin to imagine any of this and I pray to never have to walk in these shoes. But if God does decide for something similar to be my fate, I would hope that people would take at least a few moments to consider me and my family before speaking out of their ignorance.

I pray for all families affected by this tragedy. I pray for the friends and loved ones as well.

I ask that before the onlookers and so called fans weigh in with their opinions and statements that they would take a moment to imagine… imagine it were you and yours.