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Without a Net

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After a long and exhausting May, I'm pretty much to the point where I just can't talk about another video game for a little while. Even if you dropped a surprise copy of Halo 3 right in my lap, I'd consider it with a quizzical glance at best, and probably not be able to drum up more cogent thoughts than that the DVD was mostly opaque. If there is a well of inspiration from which I draw gaming literature then E3 and our coverage of that organized hysteria drained it the way a man dying of thirst might drain a thimble of water. I am, as they say, sick and tired of talking about that stuff for a while. Besides, my attention is distracted of late, and as is usually the case when that sort of thing happens, I'm inflicting my thoughts upon you.

You see, I'm quitting my job.

I've been very cagey with you, dear readers, since leaving my life as a stay-at-home dad as to what I went on to do. I imagine there are only a very few of you who know what my employment has been in these months, and those few people know only because, for one reason or another, revealing my profession was virtually unavoidable. I've asked those people to not disclose my profession or employer, and they have generally been compliant.

I've piqued your interest, haven't I? It's because I have some sense about creating drama, crafting a paragraph in just an enticing yet vague enough way that the reader feels compelled to keep reading, even if the very next paragraph entirely breaks character and enters a troubling realm of procrastinating self-awareness. And, usually when a writer holds that drama for too long, extending it for effect through artificial conceits, it means they know the climax will be anything but climactic. You see, I also know when I'm about to disappoint the reader. For example:

Well, I'm not ready to tell you what I've been doing yet. You'll just have to wait another month.

I will say this, though. It was a bad job; a soul sucking, mind numbing, creativity squelching, scrotal shriveling, exploration in compressed frustration and hopelessness, made all the worse for having left the constant company of my son. That's not to say I would do things any different given a second chance. If not for this festering pus nugget of a job I wouldn't have accomplished some important goals I'd set, the most important being giving Elysia the opportunity to leave her own pus nugget of a job and have the chance to be a stay-at-home mom. It's also helped me get my new house, this sanctuary from the tumult of the day; a quiet, peaceful, split-level nestled at the back end of an idyllic neighborhood with a big yard and a river view. Those two successes alone make the past ten months worth having been endured.

That's not to say I've come through it unscarred. As Certis revealed to me on our recent trip and on several occasions before I've become increasingly distant, detached, and there was a certainty for some that E3 might be my final hurrah before finally, almost irrevocably, bidding farewell to the site. In hindsight it's an understandable, if troubling, assumption to be made, though what wasn't clear to Certis is that my dealings with him and the site are fairly representative of my general state of mind: distant, detached. I don't remember precisely when I realized that I was cutting myself off from everything just to get through the steady flow of days, but it wasn't a pleasant epiphany. The irony is, of course, that GWJ like my family, my home was a bright spot, a point of pride. I would no more leave GWJ than I would remove one of my own eyes, lance it with a swizzle stick, and drop it in a rather dry martini.

He was right about one thing, though. I had decided to leave something. I would -- will leave my job. The only question is what to do next, and how to convince my family that it's a good idea.

It wasn't until I returned to from E3 with 4 days left of vacation that I found myself with any time to sit and seriously think about where I'd been, where I was heading, and where I wanted to go. Elysia had traveled south with our son to visit her folks while I was away on the West Coast, and I was left here with several days of solitude. The first thing I noticed, even before getting back from LA, was that my enjoyment of my time off was increasingly corrupted by a hollowness in my stomach which grew with each thought I had about my job and how soon I would be back at it. I was physically aching as I guess many people must do at the thought of returning. It was probably that growing sense of dread mingled with the empty house that got me thinking about precisely how the hell I could step off my current path.

And even if I could, what was it I wanted? What didn't I like so much about this job? Wasn't it just the same stuff everyone struggles with? What would I do if not this? I put my mind firmly to the question and realized that there were a great many things I didn't like about my job, and they're probably things everyone doesn't like about their job, so why the hell was I whining so much about it? I had no flexibility. No opportunities to be creative. I couldn't write. I sure as hell wasn't paid enough for the number hours and amount of work I put forth. I didn't benefit from my own work. Above all, I just didn't take any pleasure, any sense of success from the job. There were other problems too, but I'll talk about those later.

It dawned on me that these were the same things Elysia had complained about before she came home. These were the things that drove her to seek her own new path, to make the change she needed to make. These were the things that made her decide to start her own business.

And it had worked.

She had contacts, and talent, and fifteen years of experience in graphic design, and funds for the software, and enough tenacity to walk out the door and become her own boss. Or, at least Ã¢â‚¬Â… kind of. I would think it's fair to say and I say this knowing full well that she's going to read this, and if I'm wrong I'll hear about it that Elysia is successful at her business despite how rarely she actually lets anyone know that she runs a business. It's got to be one of the most successful secret home businesses that I've seen. And, it's because she's just that good at what she does.

So, it occurred to me to wonder. What would happen if someone stepped in to tell people that there was this business, and it was good? What would happen if just a little networking, and a little marketing, and a little promotion happened? What if there was someone who had the time and the inclination to get clients?

And from there, with two days before I had to get back to my job, two days to sit and think and imagine, two days to figure out how it might work, this small vague idea took shape. What if I could contribute to this supposed business; after all Elysia had spent seven years at her former job working with small businesses developing every aspect of their business identity. She knows every professional piece of design software, has great contacts, and knows how to design anything from letterhead to logos to flyers to catalogs. She's fast. She's efficient. And she's damn good. But, where she is the technical expert on the scene, I could be part of the creative end, could write copy, could do the basic overflow design work, could meet and brainstorm with clients, could do all the legwork, could network and develop new customers. In short, I could with great satisfaction do the parts of the work that she hates. The more I thought about it, the more it seemed like such an obvious idea that I couldn't believe I hadn't thought of it before.

Now, all I had to do was sell our new business to my first and, I imagined, toughest customer. I had the "vision" (tm), but now I had to paint the picture for someone else. I had to convince my partner that what she really wanted was for me to wedge my way into her happy situation. To be honest, the more enthusiastic I became about the idea, the more I was certain that she'd never go for it. Have you ever bought a lottery ticket for a really big jackpot? Do you remember how you spend the hours between the time you buy the ticket and the time reality reminds you that no one ever wins those things dreaming of how you're going to manage all that lovely money? It was like that. I had my ticket, but nobody ever wins a prize that big. Reality would come crashing down soon enough.

But, inexplicably Elysia bought into the idea; slowly at first, but with increasing enthusiasm and with not nearly as much trepidation as she's completely entitled. Which is how we decided I should quit my job and come home to start our new business. And so, I've spent the past week writing up a business plan, learning design basics, talking to our financial advisor, hiring an accountant, reading any piece of start-up literature I can find, and spending virtually every extra moment putting pieces in place before the end of June when I walk the high-wire without a net.

I wonder if many home businesses spring from such moments of realization that the pieces are actually in place. Isn't this a kind of carpe diem, a dash through a briefly open door? Isn't it noble, or definitive, or at least worth regretting later on if it should not succeed. And if there are regrets later, wouldn't the regret for not having tried be greater than that for having tried and failed? What if it succeeds? I wonder how many successful businesses have taken shape out of a dark time of life, part an act of desperation, but also of profound optimism. I wonder if I'm being intensely selfish in destabilizing everything. I wonder if I should be more frightened of this plunge. I wonder if it will be far more difficult, or far less rewarding than I imagine. But, it feels like a good move. It feels like something we should do. The foundation is there, and the desire to work. Is it crazy? Would it be worth doing if it weren't?

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"Happiness lies in being privileged to work hard for long hours in doing whatever you think is worth doing... if you are looking for shorter hours and longer vacations and early retirement, you are in the wrong job." (from To Sail Beyond The Sunset)

Congrats to you and best of luck. I sincerely hope it works out, because the only thing worse than a soul-sucking, mind-numbing, tedious piece-of-crap job that has you living for the weekends and nothing else is a huge pile of debt from lack of income. I've done both, and I prefer the former (marginally). Being able to escape both those fates is a wonderful thing. Good luck!

Congratulations on the big jump to both of you Elysium and Elysia, wish you all the best. I have frequently thought of starting my own business as I am increasingly becoming numb at my job/line of work. It's just a huge leap that someday I hope to undertake.

I don't know how old your son is, and how high maintanance he is...but trust me, you will not get nearly the work done that you think you can. If you realize that fact up front, you save yourselves an insane amount of stress and freakout.

Seriously...look at your business plan. Now reduce forward projections and revenue by about 30%...then you'll be a little closer to achievable target than you think. Trust me when I tell you there will be work days that are lost to trips to the zoo or the library, or to find a cool worm ouside.

I've found that the older my boy gets, the less time I have to spend on the business. I've revised my 5 year plan down by 75% until he starts school.

Just be aware that the boy will always be more fun than work.

Seth wrote:

I'm pretty sure, statistically, coffee increases violence more than marijuana....I'm going for my second cup and when I get back I'm bringing a shovel.

Ely, this freaking rocks! Good for you, man!
I don't know how old your son is, and how high maintanance he is...but trust me, you will not get nearly the work done that you think you can. If you realize that fact up front, you save yourselves an insane amount of stress and freakout.

Wait a minute, isn't their kid like 2? Put the boy to work!! It's about time he started pulling his own weight, I say. Hell when I was 2 I was on a trawler fishing the north Atlantic for Bluefins. You don't know what work is like until you're hauling in a 90 lb tuna while simultaneously filling a diaper and sucking a nookie.

"You know, hubbinsd, as much as I don't want to go into library science, I still think you're pretty sexy." -Wordsmythe

Elysium, your narrative brought a tear to my eye, and then Roo summoned another. So, maybe I'm a little emotional, but I have great respect for your courage to do this and wish you much success and happiness!

Let me first add my voice to the chorus of wellwishers and then hopefully not be too much of a mood-spoiler with a question...

What about health insurance? I ask because I've given some thought into doing something very similar - or at least going back into the independent contracting world - and this is the single biggest (though certainly not the only) point of concern.

Firstly. Brilliant! Best of luck with your endevour, being your own boss will be an amazing liberating experience if not a really responsible one. I'm full of admiration for anyone who makes that move.

Secondly. Damn! Now I really want to know what you do for a living. My bet is still on international superspy.

"A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject." - Churchill

Elysium, I sincerely hope this works for you. Like most of us, I know just how soulcrushing a toxic work environment can be and I absolutely think you made the right choice by leaving it.

I also hope that your relationship with Elysia will thrive in this new endeavor. But, integrating your professional lives with your relationship is a hell of a risky, scary move.

To add my own personal anecdote to all this, I was in a situation last year where my work enviroment had slowly and gradually changed from a happy and reasonably fulfilling situation to one where I was unhappy, stressed, depressed, and had come to dread coming into work. Much of it had to do with the ascendancy within the office of some very unpleasant personalities, along with a sense that I no longer fit in and was no longer valued. As situation bottomed out, I managed to transfer within the organization to a different group where I quickly fit in with the group, was treated as a capable and responsible professional, and where I got to work on much more interesting material. Even though the new job offered higher stress and fewer perks, It also offered more of a sense of accomplishment and cameraderie and I've felt more professional contentment than in any other prior endeavor.

And, because of a relationship, I'm about to leave this great job, move across country and take a new job for less money (ultimately less money, a slight raise right now), less interesting work, less prestige, and an unknown work environment. And a hellish commute. I think I'm doing the right thing, but damn is it scary.

Best of luck, man - you're making the right decision. Unless, of course, it turns out that it was the wrong decision, in which case you should blame it on Pyro and/or Certis. F**king Pyro and/or Certis.

I left my latest soul-suckingly purposeless programming job nearly a year ago and haven't looked back, even when I was unable to find another tech job here. Nothing is worth having a job that makes you dread waking up the next day. The position I took stocking books pays only a fraction of what that job did, but darn if it isn't actually enjoyable. Makes all the difference in the world.

Thanks for all the good wishes, everyone. We're both really excited about this. Like Elysium said, I can't believe we didn't think of it sooner.

What about health insurance? I ask because I've given some thought into doing something very similar - or at least going back into the independent contracting world - and this is the single biggest (though certainly not the only) point of concern.

In Minnesota, two or more employees of a company constitutes a group, as in eligible for a group plan. We're going that route. Already in the works!

I also hope that your relationship with Elysia will thrive in this new endeavor. But, integrating your professional lives with your relationship is a hell of a risky, scary move.

It's funny - Elysium and I have never had any trouble spending 24/7 together. We've lived together for 10 years, and we have the best time when we're spending tons of time together. We work very well together. I'm not remotely worried about this aspect of things. My only worry is that we'll have a hard time knowing how to come home from the office, when the office is in the same house!

This is great to read for someone who is about to begin thinking about beginning his work in the real world. It's always nice to hear that I'm not the only one who doesn't want to go work for the man. I wish you guys the best of luck and if you require any assistance of a historical nature, please don't hesitate to ask.

I did sort of the same thing, albeit on a smaller scale - I left a poisonous jorb to become the co-operator (so to speak) of a very small business. It's had its ups and downs, but essentially I'm completely happy with it.

Enough about me; congratulations to you both! Sounds like you've got a great partnership already, but now you get to profit from it.

Best of luck to you both.

[size=9]If I didn't drink, Crom would laugh and cast me out of Valhalla when I die. Peer pressure I can handle, but not when it comes from Crom. -Lobo[/size]

I wonder if many home businesses spring from such moments of realization that the pieces are actually in place. Isn't this a kind of carpe diem, a dash through a briefly open door? Isn't it noble, or definitive, or at least worth regretting later on if it should not succeed. And if there are regrets later, wouldn't the regret for not having tried be greater than that for having tried and failed? What if it succeeds? I wonder how many successful businesses have taken shape out of a dark time of life, part an act of desperation, but also of profound optimism. I wonder if IÃ¢â‚¬™m being intensely selfish in destabilizing everything. I wonder if I should be more frightened of this plunge. I wonder if it will be far more difficult, or far less rewarding than I imagine. But, it feels like a good move. It feels like something we should do. The foundation is there, and the desire to work. Is it crazy? Would it be worth doing if it werenÃ¢â‚¬™t?

I know exactly how you feel. 2 years ago I was working a soul sucking job at a major bank. I was making good money and there were lots of opportunities to advance. After 2 years I hated every minute of it, in my 3rd year I couldn't take it any longer and was looking for the smallest excuse to leave, and than it came partially thanks to my team supervisor at the bank who saw that I wasn't happy and helped me realize what I needed to do. As most of you know I am a struggling actor/stuntman, after about a month and half of putting the word out and looking for projects I got a chance to join a show and it turned my life around. It has been 2 years since I quit and I am way happier now than I ever was at the bank. Unfortunately this winter things were tough financially but I didn't expect it to be easy. I know I can't go back to a 9-5 job anymore, it just isn't for me, and I get so much enjoyment doing the work I do I can't see myself doing anything else.

Anyway enough about me. Enjoy your new life; I am sure this move will be totally worth it.

My only worry is that we'll have a hard time knowing how to come home from the office, when the office is in the same house!

I have an idea that might work. Set aside 1 room in your home, preferably with a door and designate that your office (make sure it is big enough that you feel comfortable doing all your work there). Get a separate phone number for just the phone in that room and use it as your business number. If at all possible try to set a definite end time for your day. Than when that time comes get out of the room and close the door, and let the machine take messages. Do not enter the room until your next work day. You may have to force yourself to do this at first but soon after it should become a habit. If you continue to find it tough, leave the house all together and go out for a walk with the family or something. When you get back home the urge to continue working will hopefully have passed.

"Can I have a job? I donut have much experiences, butt I always use an spellchecker spellchecker on my articles." - Sway

Using Prayer To Microevolve Latent Antibiotic Resistance In Bacteria since 2005!

First of all congrats on your new endeavor. With the Insurance and working together issues apparently covered, I can think of only one more issue to raise. You say that you are going to higher an accountant, and while there is nothing wrong in doing so, I would advise you to look into keeping your own books. You will ultimately have a deeper understanding of what works and does not work with your business. With the various types of software availabe now a very small business can be managed quite nicely without an accountant, which will save you considerable money. Now if you plan on having multipile (5 or more) full time employees, then you can forget all this and go ahead and get an accountant. As an aside, all accountants will swear till they are blue in the face, that you absolutely must have one or risk a fate worse than death.... just remember what they are selling.

As someone who has spent all of my post college life as a small business owner, I can say there is nothing better, espeically if you can handle the odd moment of all encompassing terror.

One last thing to keep in mind, there is no such thing as a sick day once your self employed. If you miss work, no one will pick up the slack, and If you do have employees, your day off is costing you payroll. But really, have fun and profit!!!

Posting on the boards is easy. The trick is to kick someone's ass the first day, or become someone's bitch. Chiggie Von Richthofen on how to transition from lurker to poster.

Good luck with your business! The only thing that keeps me sane with my job is all the freelance web work that I do. I've thought about quitting and doing my freelance full time, but I don't have the guts to give up my state benefits.

If you want some free help setting up a website for your business, let me know.

Credulous at best, your desire to believe in angels in the hearts of men.