the sea and I

when I’m at the beach, I’m at my happiest, I think

So I was gone for awhile, went to the beach with my cousin and her parents, and I was just able to finally let go for a bit. I have been so wound up lately. I haven’t had the drive to do anything real for awhile and I got some of it out. Not all, but quite a bit of it had been let go.

My uncle and aunt took really good care of me and my cousin Yciar was with her kids and there were moments when I had to get out of myself and deal with them, which was very helpful because it taught me that it’s not always about me. Especially when you have a two-year old girl with you, she demands attention and you have to give it and it was instrumental in remembering that I am flexible and adaptable and I am best when I’m working for others.

But there were lots of moments when I was free to do as I please and I was swimming in the cool waters of the sea and I did my usual routine of speaking to the salt water and asking it to take away my troubles. I do that. It’s this thing I do since I first went to Boracay in 2001 (or was it 2002?). And, afterwards, I just felt lighter and free.

The sun stayed out and just shone bright the whole time I was there and it was a blessing because it had been raining a lot in Manila before we had left. I was so scared that the weather was going to be like that when we got to Bataan but it wasn’t. It was bright and sunny and I was able to really sunbathe and, very unlike me, I was very sure to re-apply sunblock every two or three hours and after swimming in the water. It’s not my usual thing but I did it this time round. I got darker, for sure, but no burns this time.

I got to write a couple of Twitter poems that I really like and I’m sort of proud to have been able to write. And, surprisingly, I got two calls that I wasn’t expecting. It came out of the blue and was very much welcomed. It helped me realign some of the things that have been bothering me as of late.

I don’t know what it is but things are moving forward, somehow, but somehow crooked. Not exactly forward, but diagonally towards a destination I wasn’t expecting to move towards. And it’s not a bad thing. I don’t mind the surprises and I’ve long stopped being attached to the plans I’ve made because life has thrown me curve balls every step of the way on this journey. It’s why remembering that I’m flexible, adaptable, and fluid is an important lesson for me.

My greatest strength has always been in being water — taking the shape of the vessel that I find myself in. I go with the flow and then expand to completely take it over.

These beach trips are so important for me because, now I realise it, when I find myself alone, floating out in the sea, I remember what it is that makes me strong.

I am water. I have always been. I should never forget that.

The beach — not just a sort of home for me, it’s a reminder of something I take for granted all the time…