small pond

25 February, 2004 - 2:53am — metrored

I've been thinking about things. Dating, game, choices and I came to a realization. I've been here, in college for almost two years and I haven't really gotten to the point of having solid prospects. In that time, I've found prospects when I'm around people my age outside of school.
I played the eye game at conference in New York. It took a while but I think I got him to play with me. Over the summer, I get a guy's attention at a party through sheer force of will and well placed glances. When I think of these things, I have to wonder if perhaps it is possible for me to attract men whom I find attractive.

Then I go back to campus and everything stops. There are gay men all over campus but I have no luck. People are hooking up left and right but I'm never one of them. I hear their exploits through random channels of gossip on campus. I see them at parties and I see them walk on by. Then there are the one's I know. They are friends or acquaintances that I need to not disappear, so I don't push those boundaries. I don't know how to and I think that's my problem. My realization though, is that it isn't my only problem.

This college is so small and so self contained that it isn't possible to have an interaction with anyone that you can later divorce from you're normal life. You will always run into someone in the dinning hall the library, the party... cause with only 1500 students and only a fraction of those student being gay men, everything has repercussions. The guy that I met at the conference, I will never see again. I probably won't see the guy I met over the summer again. Those men don't know people I know, my interactions with them have no bering on any reputation that I may or may not have. I can't say that about any of the guys at my school, especially not the ones I'm attracted to. I feel like that wouldn't be the case if I went to a bigger school.

Then again, those guys might not have had any other choices since these were mostly straight events where I met them. It's possible that if I 'd seen them at majority gay functions that I might have just faded into the woodwork.