Sunday, October 21, 2012

A Confession.

A Confession.

I am not a violent man, but I am a destroyer.
This is not an exultation, it is simply the truth.
This realization first manifested itself unconsciously.
I was a clumsy child, lacking precision and dexterity,
so I would destroy without intention.
Eventually, this truth manifested itself sub-consciously.
As an angry young man, destruction made sense,
but I could not properly explain why.
Destruction only came as a reaction to anger.
Only if someone was angry. Only if I was angry.
It was always the destruction of a thing, something,
some stupid, pointless, destroyable thing.
I could not explain it then, but I knew I was right,
even if everything and everyone told me I was wrong.
The sub-conscious will to destroy led my actions,
even if I swore to myself that this was not true.
Why? To be able to answer that question
is to be fully conscious.
I was wrecked because I could not explain why.
I was scared because I had no excuse.
I needed an alibi, otherwise I was guilty.
The difference between art and reality is guilt.
Art is guiltless, no matter how awful.
At least that is what I must believe.
I am sorry, but I must believe this to feel innocent.
I must believe this or be spit out.
I am not a violent man, but I am a destroyer,
and I am finally conscious of the destruction within me.
I may have lied to you about me.
This turns out to be both the truth and an exultation.
I can finally feel joyful about my destruction. Peace.