Where have all the manners gone?

I read with disgust the story about Karen Klein, the bus monitor who was ridiculed by a gang of bullies turned vicious (click here.)

A public outcry. Union representatives mortified. Bus driver ill-prepared to intervene. Ms. Klein declines to “press charges.” Because of course, that will be the next call, try to handle this with legislation or lawyers.

We miss the larger point: why are children so unruly, so disrespectful, so ferociously cruel? Why in the age of surveillance everywhere, didn’t they even care that they might be caught? Because there are little consequences as they pull out excuse after reason for why they are not responsible for their behavior.

In our well-intentioned but misguided quest to rear children to be confident and assertive (and equal, and have everything be “fair”), we relinquish our job as parents and expect that they one day mature (“boys will be boys.”) We forget that human nature is selfish and base and needs parameters, guidance, accountability and punishment, a consequence that deters uncivilized conduct. Who is teaching them morals, respect, basic right and wrong?

The best thing that the parents of these kids can do is to make them sit down and watch the entire video, no turning away, with them. Individually, not as a group, where they might feel power in numbers, or blame peer pressure. Not with the media, a public apology or something to go viral on youtube. And they should be made to apologize personally to Ms. Klein, to look her in the eye and say they are sorry. Again, not a public statement read in a press conference, subject to sound bite questions and surrounded by supporters and detractors. Own up. They need to be made to feel shame, then the cleansing that comes from atonement, then move on with this lesson learned with specific punishment they can expect if it happens again.

The worst thing the parents of these kids can do is to take their side, shelter them and make excuses for their actions (“he has ADHD, his friends egged him on, he saw it on TV”).

And this is a teaching opportunity as well for the parents of the rest of the kids on the bus who sat there and did nothing. What does it say about us that we need to have three cameras and a monitor in addition to the bus driver on the bus to help in controlling the passengers?

We’ve lost something necessary in our race toward “anything is acceptable:” good old-fashioned family values. Going to church, temple, mosque. That’s more than religion, it’s building community. Volunteering. Family dinnertime where we all have to talk to each other and listen without texting. Curfews. Chores. Savings accounts instead of just getting everything the minute you want it.

It’s all so fast, my head is spinning; how can these kids cope with it all without our constant steering, talking and teaching? Don’t let up, they need us more than ever.