Season 3: Eastbound & Down Chapter 18

Kenny Powers Quotes

I feel like my life’s become Requiem For a Dream. And I have front row seat tickets to the ass to ass scene. Toby’s the dildo, and I’m both assholes...

These are the most memorable Kenny Powers quotes from this episode. This was another chapter without a reading from his new audiobook “I’m F*cking Back”, so we will use the better parts of his 4th of July meltdown speech instead.

And I’m also really sorry for positioning you right here to be the punchline of my f*ckin’ t-shirt. That’s not funny. Nobody laugh at this...

Babies are made chubby so if you drop them when they’re little they don’t break. It’s cool...

That’s like inviting a Jew to Christmas, you know? You don’t believe, you don’t get f*ckin’ presents...

Oh, please Ivan. Lift the iron curtain and let me in on your secret. Like I give a sh*t...

Why would they get a Russian person to host a goddamn party on our nation’s birthday???

I think this dude’s about to find out that Americans on the 4th of July do not want to be stuffed into a stinky little club, ravin’ out to the sounds of goddam DJ Communism...

Well, I’m not interested in catching up with backstabbers and betrayers, so have a nice trip...

I don’t see you for 27 years, in Mexico you have me thrown in jail, now you come back and you want me to help you f*ck my mom?

Yeah, except for you and that baby gorilla over there...

This venue is f*cking fantastic, this is great. We’ll put the nitrous station over here, maybe we’ll throw the stage for the band over there, we’re gonna need to find a nice area to kinda display the prostitutes...

Yeah of course you do Stevie, cause you’re not like me. You’re not someone who’s cut out to cheat, man. You’re not emotionally equipped to carry the guilt...

Stevie you do not f*cking tell her anything, alright? That will only make sh*t worse. Put it inside, handle it like a baller, and take this sh*t to your grave...

I don’t want you havin’ a goddamn Cool Ranch Dorito and Cheetos f*ckin’ party in front of my ocean front villa, alright?

He just said he has to empty his butt. That signifies taking a sh*t...

You can use the bathroom, but only for number ones. No number twos. I’ve seen what you feed this motherf*cker and it’s disgusting...

This man is a child molester, and he needs to be nowhere near the baby... He has f*cked a bunch of little boys. He’s the devil, f*ck him. Take Toby and leave...

This is what happens when you betray me. You get iced the f*ck out! Now you and sh*t for brains hit the f*ckin’ tracks, or I’m callin’ the police...

This party’s gonna put us right back on top. All our plans are comin’ together. Destroy Ivan, kill the playoffs, and take the f*ckin’ majors by storm. And then your ghost can take my fastballs and make ’em do loopty-loops like Angels in the Outfield...

F*ck that. I’d rather throw him down a goddamn well...

But don’t leave. Stay here. Don’t try to trade him for cigarettes. Or damage him psychologically, or any other f*cked up stuff you could do when left alone with a child...

Caspar, what in the hell are you doing in the VIP? No...

Let’s give it up for DJ Bluray. Yeah. Nobody spins that gay ass rave music as good as him. You really are the best man. F*ckin’ hats off...

How could you do me like this? You met my son...

You know what? As soon as this party’s over, you should go f*ckin’ on Facebook and change your relationship status to f*ckin’ dumped. Cause that sh*t just happened right now. I’ll be by your dorm room later to pick up my sh*t.

For those of you who don’t know, which I’m assuming is most of you, and for those of you who do know about this, go f*ck yourself, teammates.

I am hosting a competing party at the beach, right now. And I can promise you you’ll have all the awesome drugs you have here, plus more. Plus fuckin' fireworks.

So who’s with me huh? Who wants to get up out this piece, and come party and celebrate our nation’s birthday with Kenny f*cking Powers?

Myrtle Beach, let me hear you make some noise... I can take a hint. These people have been acting like assholes, so I don’t want to party here either. F*cking get off of me, thank you. F*ck this party!