Weekend Update - News Jokes

Several hundred thousand dead fish are washing ashore in New Jersey, leading Chris Christie to argue with staffers over whether the problem will be best solved fried or boiled <<Photo of Christie with bib on holding fork in his hand>>

Hundreds of women marched through Times Square topless this weekend as part of International Go Topless Day. This is the best vacation ever said 13 year old Jimmy Albright from Des Moines, Iowa.

A 31-year old Florida man considers himself to be very lucky after he has survived a lightning strike, being bitten by a spider and attacked by a rattlesnake all during the past four months. He's not all that lucky however. He still lives in Florida.

A Domino's Pizza in New Zealand has delivered the first-ever pizza via drone this week. While technologically speaking this is incredible, we at Weekend Update would like to apologize for ever inflicting Domino's on your country to begin with.

Researchers have discovered there is a scientific reason both men and women are attracted to breasts. Women are drawn to their life-giving nature, while men are just obsessed with the fact that we don't have them.