Learning to cope with the anguish of losing a loved one

Sally Boismier is pictured with a portrait of her late daughter, Samantha Boismier-Couvillio, at her home, Sunday, Nov. 18, 2012. Sally has been attending a bereavement program at the Windsor/Essex County branch of the Canadian Mental Health Association after her daughter Samantha passed away unexpectedly on April 3, 2011, at the age of 24. (DAX MELMER/The Windsor Star)

“The first year it’s almost like you think they’re on vacation and they’re going to come home,” Boismier said of her 24-year-old daughter, Samantha Couvillion-Boismier, who died unexpectedly in 2011. “It’s very painful.”

“I had heard from other people who had lost children that the second year was the worst year and I didn’t think that could be possible because the first year was pretty rough,” D’Souza said Sunday. “And sure enough I kind of took a nosedive around that time.”

The anguish felt by both grieving mothers is what led them to the Canadian Mental Health Association’s bereavement program at the Windsor-Essex County branch.

The program helps individuals who’ve suffered loss understand, cope and express grief in a healthy way through meetings with specialists and support groups, said local CMHA development officer Kendra Aubry.

“My particular style was to retreat,” D’Souza said. “I didn’t reach out to too many people. So it was just really nice to hear about a lot of things I was going through were normal and they were to be expected. It was very comforting to know that if I was in crisis at all I could call and speak to somebody.”

Sally Boismier looks through a catalogue of notes and letters exchanged between her and her late daughter, Samantha Boismier-Couvillio, at her home, Sunday, Nov. 18, 2012. Sally has been attending a bereavement program at the Windsor/Essex County branch of the Canadian Mental Health Association after her daughter Samantha passed away unexpectedly on April 3, 2011, at the age of 24. (DAX MELMER/The Windsor Star)

Boismier often flips through her overflowing binder of notes she and her daughter exchanged over the years.

“Dear Mommy, what did you get me for Christmas? Tell me, please,” a young Samantha writes.

Years later, she wrote: “Dear Mom, just wanted to say good morning and I love you.”

And perhaps a harder one to read from a teenage Sam: “Dear Mom, when you grow old and you need someone to help you out, like clean, cook, feed you, walk you and so on, I’ll be there to help you.”

Boismier said the people in the program became like family to her in a world others could no longer comprehend.

“It’s a place where we can understand each other, help each other and hear each other when the world can’t hear what’s going on in our hearts.”

With Boismier’s two older sons Shawn and Chad out on their own, she developed a connection with her daughter she said went beyond a mother-daughter relationship.

“There was no separating Samantha and I,” Boismier said, recalling how passionate her daughter was about singing and helping animals. “There wasn’t anything in life we didn’t do together. We were more like best friends.”

This Tuesday a dinner will be held in honour of Samantha and D’Souza’s Zachary, who died in 2010 after a two-year battle with Hodgkin’s lymphoma. All proceeds will go to the CMHA’s bereavement programs, which are offered for adults and children.

“I just try to focus on the positive and it’s not always easy,” D’Souza said. “But this is where the bereavement services and counseling can help to just remember that life is precious. Sometimes you become so depressed sad and angry and all the feelings that come with grief that you lose your perspective.”

D’Souza said Zachary was like a “ray of sunshine” and he never complained once about having cancer.

“It’s wonderful posthumously he can still be doing good things for the community.”

In 2010 the adult bereavement program helped 635 people, Aubry said. On a yearly average, about 600 people go through the program.

The bereavement programs rely on community fundraising and hourly fees, which became effective this summer, for ongoing individual support sessions and support groups. Aubry said subsidies are available to those who qualify or a sliding fee scale will apply.

A Dinner to Remember will be held Tuesday from 6 to 8 p.m. at Torino Plaza and Banquet Hall at 12049 Tecumseh Rd. Tickets include dinner and are $20 each. They can be purchased online at cmha-wecb.on.ca or by calling Kendra Aubry at 519-255-7440, ext. 197.

Sally Boismier is pictured with a portrait of her late daughter, Samantha Boismier-Couvillio, at her home, Sunday, Nov. 18, 2012. Sally has been attending a bereavement program at the Windsor/Essex County branch of the Canadian Mental Health Association after her daughter Samantha passed away unexpectedly on April 3, 2011, at the age of 24. (DAX MELMER/The Windsor Star)

Sally Boismier is pictured with a portrait of her late daughter, Samantha Boismier-Couvillio, at her home, Sunday, Nov. 18, 2012. Sally has been attending a bereavement program at the Windsor/Essex County branch of the Canadian Mental Health Association after her daughter Samantha passed away unexpectedly on April 3, 2011, at the age of 24. (DAX MELMER/The Windsor Star)

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