A 3~year~old tells all from his mother's restroom stall By Shannon Popkin My little guy, Cade, is quite a talker. He loves to communicate and does it quite well. He talks to people constantly, whether we're in the library, the grocery store or at a drive~thru window. People often comment on how clearly he speaks for a just~turned 3~year~old, and you never have to ask him to turn up the volume; it's always fully cranked. There have been several embarrassing times that I've wished the meaning of his words would have been masked by a not~so~audible voice, but never have I wished this more than last week at Costco. Halfway through our shopping trip, nature called, so I took Cade with me into the restroom. If you'd been one of the ladies in the restroom that evening, this is what you would have heard coming from the second to last stall:

"Mommy, are you gonna go potty? Oh! Why are you putting toiwet paper on the potty, Mommy? Oh! You gonna sit down on da toiwet paper now? Mommy, what are you doing? Mommy, are you gonna go stinkies on the potty?"

At this point, I started mentally counting how many women had been in the restroom when I walked in. Several stalls were full. 4? 5? Maybe we could wait until they all left before I had to make my debut out of this stall and reveal my identity.

Cade continued, "Mommy, you ARE going stinkies, aren't you? Oh, dats a good girl, Mommy! Are you gonna get some candy for going stinkies on the potty? Let me see doze stinkies, Mommy! Oh, Mommy! I'm trying to see in dere. Oh, I see dem! Dat is a very good girl, Mommy. You ARE gonna get some candy!"

I heard a few faint chuckles coming from the stalls on either side of me. Where is a screaming n ew born when you need one? Good grief. This was really getting embarrassing. I was definitely waiting a long time before exiting. T rying to divert him, I said, "Why don't you look in Mommy's purse and see if you can find some candy. We'll both have some.

"No, I'm trying to see doze more stinkies. Oh! Mommy!" He started to gag at this point. "Uh oh, Mommy. I fink I'm gonna frow up. Mommy, doze stinkies are making me frow up!! Dat is so gross!!

As the gags became louder, so did the chuckles outside my stall. I quickly flushed the toilet in hopes of changing the subject. I began to reason with myself: Okay, there are four other toilets. If I count four flushes, I can be reasonably assured that those who overheard this embarrassing monologue will be long gone.

"Mommy! Would you get off t he potty, now? I want you to be done doing stinkies! Get up! Get up!" He grunted as he tried to pull me.

Now I could hear full-blown laughter. I bent down to count the feet outside my door. "Oh, are you wooking under dere, Mommy? You wooking under da door? What were you wooking at, Mommy? You wooking at da wady's feet?"

More laughter. I stood inside the locked door and tried to assess the situation. "Mommy, it's time to wash our hands, now. We have to go out now, Mommy." He started pounding on the door. "Mommy, don't you want to wash your hands? I want to go out!!"

I saw that my "wait 'em out" plan was unraveling. I sheepishly opened the door, and found, standing outside my stall, twenty to thirty ladies crowded around the stall, all smiling and starting to applaud. My first thought was complete embarrassment, then I thought, "Where's the fine print on the 'motherhood contract' where I signed away every bit of my dignity and privacy?" But as my little boy gave me a big, cheeky grin while he rubbed bubbly soap between his chubby little hands, I thought, "I'd sign it all away again, just to be known as 'Mommy' to this little fellow."

Shannon Popkin is a freelance writer and mother of three. She lives with her family in Grand Rapids, Michigan, where she no longer uses public rest-rooms with her 3~year~old in tow.

Lol 0-200!!

Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds, "AND ITBETTER BE THERE!!"

The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

George W. Bush is taking a stroll around Washington, DC, when he sees a boy sitting on his front porch with a box of puppies. "Say, son," says Dubya, "what sort of puppies are those?" And the little boy says, "Why, they're Republican pupplies, Mr. President." Bush thinks, how about that? He goes home and excitedly tells Karl Rove about the boy with the Republican puppies. They clear their schedules and a few days later go back to where the boy is with the puppies. The boy is sitting on the porch and Bush says to Rove, "Get this." He walks up to the boy and says, "Son, can you tell me what kind of puppies those are.' And the boy says, "Why, yes, they're Democratic puppies." Bush says, "Hold on now. Just a few days ago you said they were Republican puppies." "Well, they, were, sir, but now they've had their eyes opened, so they're Democratic puppies."

George W. Bush is taking a stroll around Washington, DC, when he sees a boy sitting on his front porch with a box of puppies. "Say, son," says Dubya, "what sort of puppies are those?" And the little boy says, "Why, they're Republican pupplies, Mr. President." Bush thinks, how about that? He goes home and excitedly tells Karl Rove about the boy with the Republican puppies. They clear their schedules and a few days later go back to where the boy is with the puppies. The boy is sitting on the porch and Bush says to Rove, "Get this." He walks up to the boy and says, "Son, can you tell me what kind of puppies those are.' And the boy says, "Why, yes, they're Democratic puppies." Bush says, "Hold on now. Just a few days ago you said they were Republican puppies." "Well, they, were, sir, but now they've had their eyes opened, so they're Democratic puppies."

Many of the senators commented to the general. Senator Barbara Boxer said Petraeus was overly optimistic; Mel Martinez of Florida thanked the general; Senator Larry Craig of Idaho said, "There's something about a man in uniform."
- Jay Leno

Gen. Petraeus was in Washington testifying before the Senate. After the testimony, Senator Craig said, "You may not know this, general, but right now I'm saluting you." - David Letterman

The first one went on the springboard and exclaimed "WHISKEY" !!
And yes, the pool was now filled with whiskey!
The second one loved a good glass of red wine, so he exclaimed "VINO" !!!
The water was now filled with red wine
Then the third man, who was such a clumsy one, climbed on the springboard.
But then he slipped and exclaimed "Oh, Poop" !!!

Aaahh, I have been defrosted! Thank you, Bonny and Asiel!
Brrrr, I've been Frosted! Thank you, Asiel and Pomtzu!

"That's the power of kittens (and puppies too, of course): They can reduce us to quivering masses of Jell-O in about two seconds flat and make us like it. Good thing they don't have opposable thumbs or they'd surely have taken over the world by now." -- Paul Lukas

Hillbillies to the Rescue

Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot
of whiskey, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a
sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it
becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says "Kin ya
swallar?" The woman shakes her head no. "Kin ya
breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her
head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the
back of her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly
gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The
woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm
and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.

As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks
slowly back to the bar.
His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heard of that there
'Hind Lick Maneuver,'
but I ain't niver seen nobody do it."

Teaching Manners

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop & her son saying, "All of you b*stards who want off, get the h*ll off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you b*stards who are getting on, get your *ss in the train, cause were going down the tracks."

The horrified mother went in & told her son, "We dont use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room & stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out,you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom & resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped & the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today & hope your trip was a pleasant one." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are p*ssed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat b*tch in the kitchen."

Huney, Bon & Simba-missed so very much
Remembering all the Rainbow Bridge Pets

Aaahh, I have been defrosted! Thank you, Bonny and Asiel!
Brrrr, I've been Frosted! Thank you, Asiel and Pomtzu!

"That's the power of kittens (and puppies too, of course): They can reduce us to quivering masses of Jell-O in about two seconds flat and make us like it. Good thing they don't have opposable thumbs or they'd surely have taken over the world by now." -- Paul Lukas