Saturday, November 21, 2009

A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?' The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.'

'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully, ' the divorce Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,' 'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.' 'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.' The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder: 1. The DNA all matches. 2. There are no dental records.

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?' The agent replies, 'Just a minute.' 'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez. 'How was he killed?' asked one detective. 'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied. 'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?' 'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'

Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.' Joe: 'Really?' Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell’

A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling. 'I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,' he answered. 'What did he say,' asked the nurse.'Oops!'

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice. 'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?' 'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.' He's still in intensive care.

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance. The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.'

Monday, November 16, 2009

President Obama was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nation two weeks ago in upstate New York.

He spoke for almost an hour about his plans for increasing every Native American’s present standard of living. He referred to his time as a U.S. Senator and how he had voted for every Native American issue that came to the floor of the Senate.

Although President Obama was vague about the details of his plans, he seemed most enthusiastic and spoke eloquently about his ideas for helping his “red sisters and brothers.”

At the conclusion of his speech, the Tribes presented Obama with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name, “Walking Eagle.” The proud President then departed in his motorcade to a fundraiser, waving to the crowds.

A news reporter later asked the group of chiefs how they came to select the new name they had given to the President.

They explained that “Walking Eagle” is the name given to a bird so full of shit it can no longer fly.

Friday, November 13, 2009

6 cold and rainy miles at lunch time. 3rd day in a row of temps in the 40's and rain. If I had wanted Seattle or Liverpool weather I'd move there. Wore my Asics DS Trainer running shoes.

Went to the Chiropractor yesterday in an attempt to get my lower back/hips/butt/hamstring issue fixed before the big race in 8 days. I have a very tight SI joint. Dr got it a bit looser yesterday and I'll be going back 3 times next week so hopefully it will be better come race day. It did feel a bit better on today's run.

Today’s pet pheeve is prayer requests. But lest you think I’m totally heartless, not just any prayer requests. I’m talking about those pathetic ones, usually sent via an email that has been forwarded about 100 times by bored housewives, which involve some lame request.

You know the kind:

Subject: Urgent Prayer request

Sent: 1/12/09

To: Entire Inbox

Dear brothers and sisters in Christ. I just received a desperate call from my second cousin twice removed on my step-father’s side of the family. I may have told you about them in an urgent prayer request last week. That is the side of the family from Boise who has been in the refuge removal business for generations.

Anyway my cousin, Ida Mae, was at the Piggly Wiggly supermarket and ran into her prom date from high school (I’m sure I’ve told you about Billy Ray, such a sad story) and he was all distraught. It seems that his third wife’s niece, Bambi, has an entrance exam for cosmetology school in the morning and she is very nervous about it. This will be the fourth time she has taken it and I believe five is the limit.

Bambi is the pride and last hope of the family. She is already an assistant hostess at the Double T dinner (midnight to 8am shift) but she has had her heart set on cosmetology school since that Christmas so many years ago when she was given a Barbie Style Salon Play Set.

So I ask all prayer warriors out there to lift up our sister Barbie in prayer. Let’s storm the gates of heaven dear sisters. Fire up those votive candles.

Amen and God Bless

So spare me the prayer requests for sick cats (that’s a blessing), a painful hang nail, for your toddler to get into a private preschool...I’ve got more than enough to pray for here at home as it is.

But do send on any requests involving serious illness, financial difficulties, teenager in trouble, doubts of faith etc...

Or you can send any and all prayer requests to my wife. She will pray for anyone anytime for any reason. Her list of intentions before the family rosary takes longer to recite then the actual rosary. We finally had to install a 10-intention or less express rosary option.

And yes I do know that I have a long stint in purgatory coming my way :P

Thursday, November 12, 2009

7 mile run yesterday in the cold rain. First I ran to the library and returned an over due item then went to the high school next door and used their track since school was closed for Veteran's Day and the Nazi administrators weren't there to chase me off. I wore my Asics DS Trainer running shoes.

MARION, Ala. — The sign going on the front door at the Perry County courthouse reads: "Closed for the Obama Holiday."

The rural, mostly black county has proclaimed Monday as an official holiday celebrating the election of the nation's first black president, Barack Obama. It's one of Alabama's poorest counties, but it's sparing little during five days of festivities.

County employees, as well as city workers in Marion and Uniontown, will get a paid holiday Monday as government offices close, culminating a series of events including an old-fashioned civil rights rally and march, a golf tournament, a weekend carnival and a parade Monday through Marion.

Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor."Happy Anniversary Mom & Dad", gushed son number one. "Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient.....you know how it is... and didn't have time to get you a gift.."

"Not to worry", said the father. "The important thing is that we're all together today."

Son number two arrived and announced, "You and Mom look great, Dad. I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and didn't have time to shop for you."

"It's nothing", said the father. We're glad you were able to come."

Just then the daughter arrived, "Hello and Happy Anniversary! I'm sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything."

After they finished dessert, the father said, "There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, though we were very poor, we were able to send each of you to college. Throughout the years your mother and I knew we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married."

Monday, November 9, 2009

Decent 6 mile run at lunch time today wearing my Asics DS Trainers. The weather is fantastic here. 75 and mostly sunny. The run went well other than almost getting run over by some Starbucks drinking woman in a Volvo with “practice random acts of kindness” and “choose civility” bumper stickers.

Speaking of which have you people not from the Maryland area seen those stupid “choose civility” bumper stickers? Has that scourge spread your way? They started a few years ago in Howard County Maryland, Columbia MD in particular. They originally started as a campaign by the library to promote reading of the book by the same title. They have since spread to the upper middle class liberals that rule this area. Columbia MD, which is where I currently work (and run 3 days a week), is possibly the most politically correct city on the east coast. They like to think themselves the most tolerant people out there. Of course they are tolerant only of anyone that agrees with their whacked-out ideas. They are California liberal without the good tans, good looks, good food and beaches. It’s a very phony and sad city. Totally planned out by the Rouse company years ago to be ‘inclusive’. Every type of housing there is all mixed in together. Now you might want to live down the street from low-income and public housing but I’m fine just where I am.

Even the churches are all PC loving stale places. The local Catholic Church meets in buildings that are shared with others. There are 4 ‘interfaith centers” in Columbia. For example, The Meeting House Interfaith Center, has 6 different congregations meeting there. You’ve got 2 different Jewish congregations (one reformed and one reconstruction...whatever all that means), a Baptist church, a Lutheran church, a Church of Christ and St. John the Evangelist Catholic church all sharing a community meeting place and holding their services there. This in a large wealthy city. 85,000 residents with an above average income. One of the tenets of the city when it was planned was: “Columbia was designed to eliminate racial, religious, and income segregation”.

After working here for awhile and running through the neighborhoods and going to the stores and restaurants, it's pretty much like any other lousy suburb. Lots of Apple Bees and Home Depots and Best Buys etc...But sadly it comes with a premium price and a lot of superior attitude.

Thankfully a backlash against the stickers has started and someone is now making a bumper sticker that is an antidote to those obnoxious ones.

For those of you who don't know Steve. He is a former protestant pastor who converted to Catholicism years ago and he is the founder of St. Joseph's Covenant Keepers.

He was also hugely instrumental in the early 90's in keeping me Catholic during a crisis of faith, faith in the true church not faith in God - that's a story for another much longer and thought out post.

So check out his list. Christmas is coming after all. And while the items on his list might not give you the instant worldly satisfaction that say a new pair of running shoes or a pound of Italian Roast Coffee does, they will have lasting eternal benefits.

Friday, November 6, 2009

A short run or two each day this week. Nothing special. 6 miles today at lunch time. I need to start picking my mileage back up or eating less. My body shape is changing and not for the better I'd say. Well you be the judge. Sam took this picture of me yesterday.

Cancer: Some studies have found coffee drinkers have lower rates of colon and rectal cancers and are 50 percent less likely to get liver cancer than coffee abstainers.

Type 2 diabetes: Coffee is thought to contain chemicals that lower blood sugar because heavy coffee drinkers may be half as likely to get diabetes as those who drink little or no coffee. Coffee also may increase your resting metabolism rate, which could help prevent diabetes.

Parkinson's disease: Coffee seems to help protect men from Parkinson's disease, but not women. The difference might be due to estrogen, researchers say.

Heart disease: Coffee is not linked to the development of heart disease. In the past few years, Harvard scientists say, coffee has been shown to be safe even for heart attack survivors. Scientists think antioxidants in coffee may reduce inflammation and protect blood vessel walls.

Life span: Recent studies suggest that drinking coffee decreases the risk of premature death, especially in women. Women who drank at least five to seven cups a week had a death rate 26 percent lower than non-consumers, a large investigation by researchers in Spain and at Harvard Medical School found.

Monday, November 2, 2009

My best marathon time to date was at the Baltimore Marathon 2 weeks ago. I finished in a time of 3:44:18. I got curious to see what famous people have run marathons and what their times were (yes I’m that competitive).

The following people I smoked - HA!

Meredith Baxter, Family Ties, New York City Marathon4:08:30Alex P. Keaton would not be pleased

Anthony Edwards, Chicago Marathon3:55:40Who is Anothony Edwards? I have no idea. Oh well I dusted dude too.

David James Elliott, JAG, Boston Marathon4:57:23I just love how these celebrities get entries into Boston without earning it. The rest of us slackers have to qualify.

Will Ferrell, Boston Marathon3:56:12I wonder if he entertained fellow runners with jokes.

David Lee Roth, former lead singer of Van Halen, New York City MarathonGuess dude stopped to hit on the girls along the way6:04:43

Mario López, Saved by the Bell, Boston Marathon5:41:41That time is lame Mario, just like the show you were in. You could walk a marathon that fast.

Peter Weller, New York City Marathon3:51:26I beat Robo Cop! Cool!

Freddie Prinze, Jr., Los Angeles Marathon5:50:49Freddie must have been flirting with the ladies with David Lee.

Danni Boatwright, Winner: Survivor: Guatemala, Nashville Country Music Marathon4:23:24I guess she was stopping along the way to eat slugs and grasshoppers, how else to explain that time

Kerri Strug, Gymnast, Houston Marathon4:12:06Not bad but no gold medal performance. It must be those short legs (like I’m one to talk)

Lisa Ling, formerly of The View, Boston Marathon4:34:18Is there a worse show on TV for guys than The View? Other than Oprah of course

P. Diddy (Sean Combs), New York City Marathon4:14:54.I would have shot myself in the face if I ran slower than Puff Daddy or whatever his handle is these days. Actually I’m surprised he didn’t shoot me.

Lynn Swann, former Pittsburgh Steelers wide receiver, New York City4:26:21Looks like Swann has lost a step or three. Maybe if people in the crowd tossed him footballs while he was running he would have gone faster

George W. Bush, 43rd President of the United States, Houston Marathon3:44:52I just barely beat W’s time. But at least I can say nuclear

Al Gore, Vice President of the United States at the time, Marine Corps Marathon4:58:25He probably was late to the start because he was busy inventing the internet.

Kim Alexis, model, New York City Marathon3:52:00I could probably slow myself done a bit and run that pace

Ali Landry, model, Boston Marathon5:41:41Ok I’m not slowing myself down that much, model or not

And ones that are faster than me

William Baldwin, New York City Marathon3:24:29Not sure which Baldwin brother he is (I don't think even their mother can keep them straight) but I’m glad it wasn’t the fat slob Alec Baldwin that beat my time

Lance Armstrong, Seven-time Tour de France champion and triathlete, New York City Marathon2:59:36Lance “Drug Doper” Armstrong beat my time? What a shock. Come on Lance you can do better than that. There is no drug testing at NYM unless you win.

Joan Van Ark, Santa Ana 19793:35:00Never cared for Knott’s Landing but that is some fast running

Björn Ulvaeus, former member of Swedish band ABBA, Stockholm Marathon.3:23:54!Ok now I’m down right embarrassed. ABBA? Seriously dude was in ABBA. I may not be able to show myself in public. I need a hug

John Edwards, Former United States Senator, Marine Corps Marathon3:30:18Guess all his spare time wasn’t spent cheating on his wife

Mikuláš Dzurinda, Prime Minister of Slovakia, Malokarpatsky Marathon2:54:57!I have no idea who he is or wear Slovakia is but that is a real sweet time. Better than Lance’s

Housework Pays Off Between the Sheetsby Sue ShellenbargerWall Street Journal

Housework may seem like the ultimate romance-killer. But guess what?

A new study shows that for husbands and wives alike, the more housework you do, the more often you are likely to have sex with your spouse.

Earlier studies have hinted at this connection for men; the sight of a husband mopping the floor or doing dishes sparks affection in the hearts of many wives. But the more-housework-equals-more-sex link for wives, documented in a study of 6,877 married couples published online recently in the Journal of Family Issues, is a surprise.

Scrubbing the floor is no aphrodisiac, and seeing your spouse doing it usually isn't either. "My husband loves doing laundry, yet I don't get any thrill out of his doing it," says Chicago writer Julie Danis. And "I don't think he thinks it's sexy when I go around gathering the detritus of his daily life."

But for some high achievers who take a "work hard, play hard" approach to life, researchers say, working hard in one domain produces more energy for others. The study also found a correlation between hours spent on paid work and the frequency of sex in marriage.

"Rather than compromise their sex life" because of time demands at work or at home, "this group of go-getters seems to make sex a priority," says Constance Gager, lead researcher and an assistant professor of family and child studies at Montclair State University, Montclair, N.J. The study doesn't measure what proportion of spouses fall into this group, but she believes "they are on the leading edge of couples we expect to see more of in the future."

Many husbands and wives I interviewed offered an additional explanation – that housework may be a proxy for a general willingness to invest in shared interests, a symbol of commitment to home and hearth. Perhaps "working on the same task … makes the couple remember why they married – to be on the same team, to build a life," Ms. Danis says.