Friday, April 25, 2008

Something to Slink AboutWhich reality-TV star's a hot, horny mess at home? Find out in this week's Blind Vice!

Lick it upGross, sorry, but we've finally managed to get lesbians, poop and hot sex all into one Blind Vice. Aren't you impressed? Check out Fanny Fecal-Farmer's dubious domestic activities (but some of 'em sure are delish!) in today's animal-active Vice. Ready to bark, babes?

One Smelly, Sapphic Blind Vice

Isn’t shopping for real estate in Hell-Ay just so fun? It really is the new Sunday to-do in the City of Fallen Mortgages. Now that houses for sale are more abundant in T-town than overpriced Fred Segal tees, everybody’s looking to make a killing, celebs and noncelebs alike. ‘Course, Fanny Fecal-Farmer is so successful already with her reality boob-tube career, she’s gone ahead and bought herself another swank Hollywood compound before unloading her present one. But uh-oh! Fanny first purchased back when the market was considerably more flush, and she was just beginning her rise to the top of the cheeky heap. She overpaid considerably.

Now she’s stuck with a million-dollar-plus job that’s probably going to take at least half that price tag to fix up. See, FFF’s a busy, horny girl. When she’s not off parading as a new, terribly authoritative star of her show, she’s back home making love to her girlfriend and letting her hillside house essentially rot to pot—not to mention allowing her adorable pooches to prance, poop and prowl all over the property, wreaking canine havoc. And since Ms. Fecal-Farmer so adores her g-friend (and the sweaty, time-consuming, mucho-athletic things they do in bed), she simply has no time to clean the damn place up. Another prob being Ms. F.F. abhors reprimanding her doggies for crapping and urinating everywhere just as much as she does training them not to. Therefore, Fanny had the most brills idea!

Since the rather attractive gal knew fixing up her pad would take more care and money than she preferred to provide, she authorized her Realtors to splash “Secluded Celebrity Retreat!” all over the advertising campaign, effectively luring additional looky-loos. And just when potential buyers are about to flee, due to the urine and dog excrement collections everywhere, Fanny just happens to come home, unexpectedly, and—voilà!—the “celebrity” is revealed, thereby assuring some sort of purchasing incentive.

Hasn’t worked, so far. House ain’t movin’, and it’s stinkier than ever.

(Though, must admit, fooled lookers have enjoyed the sex-toy display in the bedroom, very impressive, Fan-hon!)

And it ain't: Rachael Ray, Heidi Montag, Kim Kardashian

* Suspected to be: Jackie Warner from Bravo's Work Out. Or possibly Jillian Michaels from The Biggest Loser.

I've seen the show in bits and pieces and it fits her. I don't know of any other recent reality tv celeb who is a lesbian. "Terribly authoritative" is also her because she owns the gym and bosses the people around.

That was my first instinct too - Jackie from WorkOut on Bravo. Never seen the show but am aware of it through previews while watching other very good reality shows on that Network. She's a lesbian, very aggressive/bossy, and thinks very highly of herself.

Just found this quote from an article: http://ifitandhealthy.com/jackie-warner-workout/Jackie:“Anyone who comes to my gym has to like dogs,” warns Jackie Warner.And check out this article:http://www.afterellen.com/People/2006/7/warner.htmlThere's a sentence about her (former) girlfriend, Mimi, that says: "Mimi is clearly comfortable spending time with Jackie and her dogs at Warner's secluded home"

We used to live in the same building as Fanny Fecal Farmer. She would come home from the clubs all coked up. She's a chain smoker. How she runs a gym, I don't know. My hunch is she's just a pretty (ok, well not so pretty) face. Her girlfriend seemed nice enough. You'd hear nasty fights and hot sex behind the door from time to time. People would gather for the show.

Her dogs were little versions of FFF, shitting all over the place. Everyone complained but the manager was afraid of her.

"Dear Ted:I happen to love Jillian Michaels and was surprised that even though she basically "came out" as bisexual in this month's issue of Women's Health, there's been no news of it. Has this been more common knowledge than I thought? Also has she ever been a Blind Vice? Thanks Ted for all you do for animals. Mwah!—Nichole

Dear Duh:Darling, it rates about the same as Ricky Martin. Is there really a surprise here?"

Disclaimer

The "exposed" celebrities mentioned in this blog are purely guesses. They are the thoughts and opinions of the authors of this blog in response to reading various gossip columns. Do not take our guesses, or photos posted of our guesses, as fact or as a source of accurate information. We are doing this for entertainment purposes only.

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