Sunday Funnies

President Obama will be sworn in with his hand resting on two Bibles. Is that how screwed up Washington is now? One Bible can’t get the job done anymore?

U.S. customs officials recently discovered 310 pounds of marijuana hidden in some frozen carrots. That’s one way to keep kids away from drugs — put them in vegetables.

Carrots and marijuana — how good will your vision be after THIS combination?

A former bodyguard for Justin Bieber is now suing Justin Bieber, saying that the star assaulted him. Well, you can see why he’s suing. Good luck getting anymore work as a bodyguard when find out that you got beat up by Justin Bieber.

Late Show with David Letterman

This year nobody was elected to baseball’s hall of fame. No player has ever gotten into the hall of fame without winning Ohio.

Ten days from now Barack Obama will be inaugurated. I’m telling you, it is really starting to look bad for Mitt Romney.

The inauguration will have a lot of corporate sponsors, big money, and corporations sponsoring the inauguration. It will be the same with the Kardashian baby.

Kim Kardashian is so optimistic that she says if it goes well with Kanye West she might add a Kanye East.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

There is a big new movie out today that I’m excited about: “Gangster Squad.” The leader is played by Josh Brolin. He’s a real tough guy. He looks like he can go toe-to-toe with even the toughest adversary. That’ll happen when your stepmom is Barbra Streisand.

“Gangster Squad” is set in 1948, when L.A. was ruled by a ruthless gang that defended its turf with threats and deception. Sort of like the Kardashians, but with better style.

Sean Penn is also in this movie. Sean Penn is a villain who says crazy things and punches out the good guys. I’m not sure what he does in the movie.

Penn plays legendary gangster Mickey Cohen. In the 1940s Mickey Cohen and his gang ran this town. Now it’s run by Mickey Mouse and the Disney gang.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

The Centers for Disease Control announced that the flu has officially reached epidemic status. Epidemics are rarely good. You rarely hear about balloon epidemics.

Our huge state budget deficit is gone. Governor Jerry Brown announced the state budget for next year is projected to net an $851 million surplus and this year we’ll have a surplus of $785 million. You hear that, meter maids? Maybe you can stop giving us tickets for a couple of months.

It’s a huge achievement for Governor Jerry Brown. Apparently you can get a lot done when you’re not walking around saying “I’ll be back” all the time.

Justin Bieber is being sued by a former bodyguard. The bodyguard’s lawsuit claims Justin punched him repeatedly in the chest. He’s seeking $420,000. I think I would pay $420,000 to keep the fact that I got beat up by Justin Bieber a secret.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

A new survey found that 77 percent of Americans think politicians do serious harm to the country. Politicians are like, “Cool, at least they think we do something.”

Yesterday American Express announced that it had to cut more than 5,000 jobs. Even worse is how they told their employees. They said, “American Express. Don’t leave home.”

Tim Tebow is now selling his own line of headphones. You can tell they are Tim Tebow headphones. Once you hook it up to your iPod, it barely plays.

Monday Jan 14 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

This flu epidemic is just terrible. Experts say that those hit hardest are the very old and the very young. So that’s especially bad news for Hugh Hefner and his new bride.

Daniel Day-Lewis won a Golden Globe for playing Abraham Lincoln and Julianne Moore won for playing Sarah Palin. The foreign press realized that the greatest challenge for an actor in Hollywood is pretending to be a Republican.

A Florida couple got into a fight resulting in the woman biting off half her boyfriend’s ear. She said her biggest complaint is that he never listens.

The mayor of Los Angeles, Antonio Villaraigosa, was seen partying in Mexico with Charlie Sheen. When will Charlie learn that people judge you by the company you keep?

Conan

The Golden Globes last night had a lot of great moments. During Jodie Foster’s emotional speech she said she was gay, 50, and friends with Mel Gibson. Afterwards, her publicist told Jodie, “I’m going to need a raise.”

President Obama’s half-brother is running for political office in Kenya. Donald Trump has already accused him of being born in the United States.

There is a new app that is coming out that shows you how alcohol will age you. When I was a kid, we did this by looking at our fathers.

Steven Tyler and his fiancée have reportedly broken up. The fiancée explained she just wants to date other old gypsy women.

Late Show with David Letterman

Thirteen years ago today doctors had me split open like a lobster and they performed the highly dangerous bypass surgery. Today I said, “Doctor, I’m calling to thank you very much. Thirteen years ago today you saved my life.” And he says “Well, Dave, it seemed like a good idea at the time.”

I had five bypasses. Or, as former Vice President Dick Cheney refers to it, “a checkup.”

Anybody see the Golden Globe awards last night? It’s the one night of the year that Hollywood takes a break from congratulating itself to let foreigners congratulate them.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

It’s cold here in L.A. We broke records last night. It was so cold, Charlie Sheen filled his bed with porn stars just to stay warm.

It was so cold, Mel Gibson was seen drunk driving in a snowmobile.

It was so cold Matthew McConaughey was seen wearing a shirt. It’s never that cold.

Today is the first day of the Detroit Auto Show. They also give out awards in many different categories. The prize for 2013 light truck of the year went to Daniel Day-Lewis. He’s winning everything this year!

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

President Obama held the final press conference of his first term in office this morning, talking mostly about the debt ceiling. He announced if Congress doesn’t raise the debt ceiling America will go into default on its loans and we might have to say goodbye to Florida.

An economist is suggesting that the U.S. Treasury mint a trillion-dollar county and deposit it in the federal reserve — which is how “The Lord of the Rings” starts, isn’t it?

The Treasury will not mint a trillion-dollar coin. That is a shame. Wouldn’t it be nice to mint up nine or 10 and say we’re even?

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Everyone was talking about how cold it was on the Golden Globes red carpet. The temperature was in the low 50s. In fact, it was so cold, Ryan Seacrest had to get his hair defrosted.

Black Sabbath is reuniting with Ozzy Osbourne for their first album together in 35 years. You can tell they’re getting up there because now all Ozzy can do is gum at a bat’s head for 30 seconds until it flies away.

Congrats to 23-year-old Mallory Hagan from Brooklyn, who won the Miss America pageant on Saturday. You could tell that she is from Brooklyn because instead of saying she wanted world peace, she was like, “War? Forget about it.”

Republicans and Democrats are working on a new bill to streamline the healthcare system. It will reduce the cost of mammograms and prostate exams. But don’t worry. They’ll still be free at the airport.

Tuesday Jan 15 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

Lance Armstrong confessed during his interview with Oprah Winfrey that he did use performance-enhancing drugs to win the Tour de France seven times. This came as a complete shock to as many as a dozen people.

Although he denied it for years, it was starting to become obvious. Like that one year he won the race on the stationary bike. Remember that?

Lance said that he felt like a great weight had been lifted — a huge, oversized weight that he never could have lifted naturally.

The interview with Oprah will air on Thursday. Then on Friday, Lance will appear on a very special episode of “Cheaters.”

Conan

Oprah Winfrey says she conducted “an intense two and a half hour interview with Lance Armstrong.” Oprah said she never would have had the stamina if Lance wouldn’t have given her something to keep going.

President Obama told Congress it must raise our debt limit because the U.S. “is not a deadbeat nation.” Then the president added, “By the way, if China calls, I’m not here.”

Wal-Mart made plans to hire 100,000 U.S. Veterans. Which can only mean one thing: Wal-Mart is going to invade Costco.

Actress Megan Fox compared fame to being bullied in high school. I agree. I’ll never forget that day in high school when jocks cornered me in the gym and paid me millions of dollars to star in “Transformers.”

Late Show with David Letterman

I asked my doctor yesterday what the difference is between a cold and the flu and he said, “About $80.”

Lindsay Lohan is back in court today. This is her 20th appearance in court. She’s been in court so often she’s got her own locker.

How about that Lance Armstrong. He goes on the Oprah Winfrey show and he admits to something that I suspected for a long time. He confesses that he in fact is a lesbian.

I think Oprah might have been confused or perhaps poorly informed because Lance kept saying, “Yes, I used performance-enhancing drugs. Yes, I did.” And Oprah kept saying, “That’s great, but tell us about walking on the moon.”

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Wikipedia celebrates its 12th birthday today. Of course, I have no idea if it’s true. I read it on Wikipedia.

Lance Armstrong admitted he used performance-enhancing drugs throughout his career. He confessed in front of the most respected judge in the land, Oprah Winfrey.

His interview with Oprah lasted almost three hours. At one point Lance said he propagated one of the greatest frauds in American history. And Oprah said, “Whoa. Easy there. I’m the one who discovered Dr. Phil.”

Whether or not you support Lance Armstrong, you can agree on one thing. The admission allows us all to go back to not giving a crap about cycling.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg held a press conference to announce that if you post one more picture of your cat sleeping, they’re going to delete your account.

Zuckerberg introduced a new feature called Graph Search. It delivers search results from your network of Facebook friends, so you can ask questions like, “Who are my friends that live in San Francisco?” By the way, if you have to ask that, you don’t have any friends in San Francisco.

It’s an interesting new feature. Soon you’ll be able to find anything you want on Facebook, except for the thousands of hours of your life you lost going on Facebook.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

President Obama’s inaugural parade will feature eight floats, including a Hawaii float to honor his birthplace, an Illinois float to honor the first lady’s home state, and a Kenyan float just to mess with Republicans.

The president will push for a path to citizenship for 11 million illegal immigrants in the U.S. Obama says it’s all part of his plan to give every man, woman, and child the chance to pay more taxes.

Education Secretary Arne Duncan announced that he will stay at the White House for President Obama’s second term. He said his mission is to make the U.S. number one in education, and won’t stop until our students are doing gooder.

MGM is coming out with a remake of the classic 1959 film “Ben-Hur.” You can tell it’s a remake because instead of being about a Jewish prince who is betrayed by his Roman friend, sent into slavery, and then seeks revenge — it’s just about sexy vampires.

Wednesday Jan 16 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

President Obama said this week that he wants to find a “pathway for citizenship” for immigrants in the United States. Don’t we have that? It’s called the Rio Grande river.

Thousands of dead fish have now washed up on shore along the coast of South Carolina. Today the NRA said that this wouldn’t have happened if those fish had guns.

Ann Romney, the wife of Mitt Romney, has reportedly turned down a chance to appear on “Dancing With the Stars.” Apparently, she has something called “self-respect.”

It seems a doctor in Germany is being sued by the family of a patient who died after 16 items were left inside of him after the surgery. The doctor said he felt terrible. He tried to call the family but couldn’t find his cell phone.

Conan

A health advocacy group has criticized The Cheesecake Factory for offering meals that contain over 3,000 calories. Today the CEO of The Cheesecake Factory said, “What part of factory of cheese and cake don’t you understand?”

That’s like going to Fat Burger and complaining.

The director of “Zero Dark Thirty” has come out against torture. And the director of “Lincoln” has come out against going to the theater in 1865.

An American worker was arrested for paying someone in China to do his job for him. The man is being called lazy, irresponsible, and three years ahead of his time.

Late Show with David Letterman

Over the weekend, during a routine cleanup, park crews discovered a cannon from the Revolutionary War that was still loaded. Old, loaded, and ready to go — it’s like me before the show.

They said the cannon was deadly, dangerous, and could blow up just like that. But don’t worry. New York City police did what they could. They put out one of those orange cones.

Do you all have the flu? I’m telling you, it’s bad. Earlier today, I heard Lance Armstrong admit to using Tamiflu.

Do you know what happens Monday? President Barack Obama becomes President Barack Obama for the second time. It’s the inauguration.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

“American Idol” starts tonight. This is the third season without Simon Cowell. People thought the show wouldn’t survive without him. And those people are called “Simon Cowell.”

I think each new judge will bring something unique to the show. Mariah Carey: wisdom. Nicki Minaj: sass. And Keith Urban will bring stubble.

Apps make everything easier these days. To think just a few years ago I had no idea what an app was. Of course a few years ago I had no idea what a Kardashian or a Bieber or a Honey Boo Boo was.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

Tonight we as a nation usher in a new season of “American Idol.” Will it be the final season? Let’s hope so.

The judges are almost all new on “American Idol.” They include the guy who’s married to Nicole Kidman — Keith Urban, who’s Australian. Are we really going to let an Australian pick our “American Idol”? Doesn’t sound very American to me.

Steven Tyler added a little extra something to “American Idol.” He’d zero in on the female contestants. He’d stare at them like a hungry cheetah stalking a gazelle, and I miss that.

Flu season is here. There’s always a group of people who are too paranoid to get a flu shot, even though about half of them have between one and 80 tattoos. What these people are saying is: “I do not trust the doctors to tell me the flu shot is safe and effective, but I do trust the guy with a nose ring to inject me repeatedly with ink.”

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

I’m sorry if I seem a little distracted; I just confessed to Oprah that when I played T-ball in kindergarten, I was on Juicy-Juice.

Oprah’s big interview with Lance Armstrong is getting a lot of attention. Oprah said she prepared 112 questions. The first question was, “Did you use steroids?” while the next 111 questions were, “Oh, come on. You used steroids, right?”

A week after saying, “I’m not leaving Oregon for the NFL,” Chip Kelly has agreed to be the head coach of the Philadelphia Eagles. Even Lance Armstrong was like, “Pick a story and stick with it.”

The beginning of the movie “Lincoln” has been slightly changed to explain the Civil War to foreign audiences. Or as Lincoln put it, “I would have preferred a different ENDING.”

Thursday Jan 17 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

Notre Dame’s superstar linebacker Manti Te’o apparently had an online girlfriend who didn’t really exist. They’re calling it the biggest hoax involving Notre Dame since they were ranked number one in the nation.

Happy birthday to first lady Michelle Obama. She turned 49 years old today. She told a reporter she’d like a nice gift from Barack, but nothing extravagant. Oh, don’t worry. Obama is very responsible when he’s spending his own money.

According to the Center for Science in the Public Interest, the top two most unhealthy restaurant dishes were from The Cheesecake Factory. The Cheesecake Factory? It’s always the last place you’d expect.

The most unhealthy dish at The Cheesecake Factory was something called the bistro shrimp pasta, with 3,120 calories. And that’s before the cheesecake.

Conan

Notre Dame player Manti Te’o is being accused of fraud and deception over his imaginary girlfriend. Some say this hoax could harm Manti’s ranking in the NFL draft. On the other hand, it could open up an entire new branch of fantasy football.

Sources are saying that Tiger Woods wants to marry his ex-wife and might be willing to go for a no-cheating clause. This special clause would be known as a wedding vow.

Facebook’s new search engine is getting a lot of attention. CEO Mark Zuckerberg pointed out that Facebook can now help people find new friends. He doesn’t know that Facebook is for stalking old ones.

A group of nutritionists criticized The Cheesecake Factory for a pasta dish that has 3,000 calories. A representative from Olive Garden said, “What is pasta? Tell us more of this interesting dish.”

Late Show with David Letterman

Notre Dame has a kid named Manti Te’o, a linebacker. It turns out his girlfriend was imaginary. But in his defense, Brent Musberger said she was really hot.

I feel bad for the Notre Dame kid because when I was in college things like that would happen to me. I would meet a lot of real women and they would give me imaginary phone numbers.

One time it was really sad because a beautiful woman actually faked her death to get out of going to the prom with me.

The only other athlete I can think of with an imaginary girlfriend was Chris Humphries.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Today Russia announced plans to send a probe to the moon by the year 2015. Russian scientists say they’re excited to see what they could discover on the moon’s surface. I’ll tell you what they’re going to discover — an American flag!

The Sundance Film Festival begins today. The jury is choosing among 87 different films. I’d like be on that jury. I’d bang my gavel and say, “I find your film guilty of being self-indulgent and boring the crap out of me. I hereby sentence you to watch “Weekend at Bernie’s,” and anything by Pauly Shore.”

I don’t know if I could be a judge. Watching five movies a day sounds exhausting. But maybe that’s just a sign of how out of shape I am.

There are some great documentaries this year. One’s called “Linsanity: the Movie.” It’s about basketball player Jeremy Lin. He’s America’s most interesting athlete who’s never had a fake girlfriend.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

Have you been following the Manti Te’o story? Apparently Te’o, a well-known college football player, was in a relationship with a woman he met online. But it turned out that the woman was Bruce Willis and he was dead the whole time.

Manti Te’o is a linebacker at Notre Dame. In September, his girlfriend passed away. The media ran with the story of the football hero overcoming personal tragedy. But it turned out she never existed. Some people play fantasy football. Manti Te’o plays fantasy people.

The first part of Oprah Winfrey’s big interview with Lance Armstrong aired tonight. At one point, Lance broke down and cried. And here’s a funny thing. Wherever a tear landed, a new muscle grew.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Notre Dame linebacker Manti Te’o is being accused of making up an online girlfriend, and then lying about her death last year so that it would help him win the Heisman Trophy. Or as Manti Te’o put it, “I’m gonna have to talk to Oprah, aren’t I?”

Manti Te’o’s online girlfriend was a complete fabrication. When they heard that, nerds were like, “Man, even IMAGINARY girls only like jocks.”

In a recent attack ad, the NRA claims that President Obama cares about his own children more than he cares about other children. In response, President Obama was like, “Yeah, that’s how families work.”

Cirque du Soleil just announced that it is cutting 400 jobs. So on the downside, hundreds of clowns will lose their jobs. But on the bright side, it’ll free up, like, two spaces in the parking lot.