Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Women in Crime Ink has breaking news. And when I say breaking—I mean earth-shattering. In all of my years in law enforcement, I have reached a point in life where there is very little that will shock me. I strongly urge you to not eat, put down your drink, and sit down before reading this post for fear of vomiting or loss of consciousness.

From a letter written exclusively to Women in Crime Ink, we have learned the paternity of “Octomom’s”(pictured above) babies. Of course, it took several days of numerous phone calls, faxes, and interviews to verify the information, but here it is, folks.

In what seems to be the epitome of the strange and unexplained, disgraced former police sergeant Drew Peterson has come forward to claim paternity of famed “Octomom” Nadya Suleman’s newborns. What’s even more startling is Suleman is backing this claim. The latest merger of the two high-profile, yet sub-par, celebrities will have even the likes of Geraldo Rivera shaking his head in disbelief.

Suleman, 33, through her now third publicist, Lilly Ramira-Bambatista, has issued the following statement, exclusively, to Women in Crime Ink:

"Although I forever promised the biological father of my eight miracles that I would never release his identity, we have come to a mutual agreement—given the mayhem that has surrounded my babies, that maybe its (sic) best if he were known. As hard as this is going to be to believe, Drew Peterson was the sperm donor, and is the father, of my angels. He simply felt that the press was becoming entirely too negative about myself and the children, and felt his known identity would provide some relief."

Clearly the claim was not to be believed via the mainstream press until Suleman’s own doctor produced the results of a secret paternity test that was taken last Wednesday, March 22nd in San Diego, CA. The results of the test are clear: Drew Peterson (pictured right) is 99.9% the biological father of all eight children. In an era where one thought that news couldn’t possibly get any more bizarre, the story of how Suleman and Peterson allegedly met rises to the top of the ladder.

According to Suleman, the disgraced duo first met in February 2008, through an on-line dating site. By her own admission, she sought out Peterson after his search for a fifth wife was made public—including his e-mail address.

Following various exchanges (numerous messages in which Peterson claimed that actress and serial mom Angelina Jolie was the most beautiful woman on earth), the two agreed to meet for dinner. It was several weeks later that Peterson flew to California, obviously under the scope of the media radar, and the two began a short-term affair. With constant pressure from Suleman, it was Peterson who funded the several plastic surgeries performed in an attempt to forge a resemblance to Angelina Jolie (after she’d gone through a garbage disposal).

According to Peterson, via his attorney, Joel Brodsky, Suleman exhibited extreme signs of mental instability during their brief time together and that it was actually Peterson who broke it off. Hold on. . . .

. . . I’m sorry, I had to pick myself off of the floor after falling over.

The version of how Peterson decided to donate the sperm to Suleman is up for interpretation. According to Brodsky, at the beginning of the creepy couple’s relationship, Suleman frequently spoke of having more children through in vitro fertilization and Peterson simply felt bad for her. At the end, as she was clearly unraveling, he felt that if he donated his sperm she would leave him alone. However, Suleman’s camp is telling a very different story. Her publicist claims that it was Peterson (pictured left leaving an adult video store with Suleman in May 2008), not Suleman, who propositioned the young mother to get pregnant.

Suleman was very knowledgeable about the procedure which in turn produced dollar signs in Peterson’s eyes. It was his idea to be the donor, and keep fingers crossed in the hopes the fertilization would produce, at least, six babies. Peterson, a self-proclaimed fan of the reality show “Jon and Kate plus 8,” and in dire straits financially, felt that Hollywood producers would pay millions for a reality show following a single mother of 12 to 14 kids. Suleman agreed, and the deal was that Peterson would remain anonymous and obtain a percentage of proceeds from promotions, television, and book deals. It was only after the recent media frenzy that Peterson decided to come forward.

My guess is the million-dollar porn dealwas just too tempting. Perfect timing as the grand jury is wrapping up their session to determine whether Peterson is responsible for the deaths of two wives. Only a mind like Peterson’s would believe that his having 12 children would sway a judge or jury to spare him. (Go ahead and vomit here.)

When I contacted Joel Brodsky for a statement from Peterson regarding this post, he replied almost immediately:

"I have always been, and always will be, family oriented. I have never been one to shy away from my responsibilities as a father and a husband. . . .” cough-cough "Contrary to some of the rumors going around about my reasons for becoming the donor for Nadya, I simply did it to help a young woman bring new life into the world. For those that are printing and believing those nasty rumors, all of you are as much a fool as the ones who believe this post written by Stacy Dittrich."