Adult son is mean and inconsiderate. Is it me?

Asked Jun 11, 2010, 01:23 PM
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13 Answers

I have a 22 yo son who got out of the Army in Feb. of this year and has been living with me. I'm single and suffer from PTSD, Borderline Personality Disorder, and Anxiety Disorder. Twice since he's been home, he has moved in with his sort-of girlfriend about an hour away, and each time lasted about a week or two. I would help him move his stuff back home here. The thing is... I have applied for SSI and SSDI. It's been 3 years and I'm going on my 3rd hearing in about 6 weeks. I was getting unemployment for a while but has stopped so I have no funds coming in at all. I've had disconnect notices and eviction notices. I've asked my son for help, and he did pay one time to keep the gas on and gave me $300.00 to cover things from April.
When he moved back in yesterday after I made the trip to pick him up and load his stuff in my car, which is not in good shape, he said he's going to get an apartment soon because he wants to be alone and not help me.
I understand him wanting to save and keep his money (he gets over a thousand dollars in unemployment) because he's worked hard and served his country and I'm proud of him. I just want to make it until my hearing to see what the judge finally decides. If I get a job, the judge will say I'm okay and deny me, and I will go back to my issues with my mental help and not being able to keep a job.
If I get approved, it would help me finally get my life on track, which has been a terrible mess since I was a teenager.
Am I being selfish by asking him to help until the hearing? He did work hard for his money. And I want him to succeed. Sometimes I'm afraid to talk to him because he gets a bit aggressive and mean. He's said he now see's why the family doesn't want to be around me. But a lot of that is because they don't understand my illness no matter how much I've tried to explain and how they see me when I get attacks and so on. It's hard for me to keep a job because if I hear a child cry I start to have an anxiety attack and also because I doubt myself continually. I love him so much but am not sure how to handle him and my current situation. Any advice would be truly appreciated, even if negative. (Sorry so long!)

I would like to add that I do received food stamps which buys "our" food, and when I run out, I had to use what ever cash I had. He would not buy food. We both smoke and whenever he would run out of cigarettes, he would smoke mine then when I ran out, he would buy himself packs but I would have to ask and he would give me dirty looks. We have internet. I can do without for a while; I could go to the library if needed. He needs it on to get on my computer to play his games or to use his laptop. I had to pay the past due amount to keep it from being shut off because he had to have it on. He has his friends over, who don't work, and they have a huge party and he buys all the alcohol, they party till about 4 am while I have to stay in my room because there is nowhere for me to sit in the living room. Lots of little things like that... We've been through a lot while he was growing up. Homelessness, my stunt with drugs for a bit (quit on my own, which was so hard), moving a lot, but I am proud of him because of what he's achieved because of his odds. Does that make sense? I'm very passive, afraid of confrontation. One time, when he was a teenage he shoved me, which scared me because of an abusive relationship and he does call me a B... and says I'm a bad mom for kicking him out, even though I was getting eviction notices. I gave him an out...

He has given me the $300 to help pay towards rent, in April. And he did pay $145 to keep my gas on in March. That's the only money he's paid me. Oh, he did pay for gas yesterday for me to make it back home with his stuff and he bought me a $10. Calling card, in case my car broke down on the highway. (It was smoking... ) He knows how passive I am and that I want him to love me back and understand me. He's tells me he loves me and that I'm a good mom because I raised him good through all our trials. When he was a kid and we were living in a tent, I would tell him to look at it as an adventure and that we were together. He says now that he can't really remember anything bad about him growing up. I've smoked a few of his cigarettes while he's been sleeping, and I'm afraid of what he's going to do when he wakes up and notices... I'm a wimp.

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We'd like to understand what you find wrong with ldspears's answer:

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You should not be living with a son you are afraid of or who has no problem calling you a "B".
He is doing no more for you than he ought to do. He is living there. He ought to be giving you something every month. He'd have to pay rent somewhere.

It will end up costing you more to have him there than not. He can either get his act together or leave.
Why did the girl friend thing not work out?

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We'd like to understand what you find wrong with Homegirl 50's answer:

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This last time he moved in with her, I kicked him out and he decided he did love her and wanted to live with her. He complains that she wants too much attention. She wasn't asking for him to pay for anything. And her rent is three times as much as mine.

I guess I have to say something to him today. He's going to get mad and have his friends over later for a party. What he usually says is that he wants his cake and eat it too, while not having to deal with me asking for help. He bought himself a beautiful sports car when he got home after leaving the Army. He doesn't want me to drive it, but when I do I have to put gas in it. Just another little thing. I'm just not sure how to put into words what I'm feeling and what I should expect from him. I can't do anything without being too emotional, which makes me weak.

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Get that grown lazy adult child out of your house. If you know someone have them be there with you when you talk to him.

You have enough issues without having someone (your grown child) there you are afraid of and who is taking advantage of you.
The girl friend kicked him out, you should too. If he gets nasty, have the police take care of it.

You don't owe him anything. You raised him the best you could. He is grown now and needs to either help you if he's going to live there, or get his own place.

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We'd like to understand what you find wrong with Homegirl 50's answer:

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1. he should be helping more, but that should have been agreed to before he was allowed to "move back in"

2. I am having a real issue, with your, (if I get a job) which sounds lke you are able to work and only have issues at times, which may or maynot be controlled with medications.
So I guess my biggest issue is a person who can work, not working and wanting disability

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I too hope you are getting treatment, and that the unpredictable nature of your mental illness will be controlled.

I personally don't think it is right to borrow money from your own children. On the other hand, he should see the dire straights you are in, and need no prompting to offer to pay for the internet he uses, or for some of the food he eats.

Why do you not have any money coming in. Have you been to the welfare office for emergency funds, or to any social service organizations like the Salvation Army. There is help out there, you have to make the effort to get it. Try to rely more on your own resources, rather than expect your son to loan you money.

As to him having parties, that needs to stop. Tell him that there will be no more parties. If his friends show up, call the police and have them all removed, including him. If you follow through and not allow him to use your home like a bar, you will only need to apply that consequence only once.

Tell him you cannot afford to have him stay with you any longer. You just cannot afford it. With all the friends he has, he can go and stay with one of them.

Give him a date that you need him out of the house, and stick to it. Don't be running around in a beat up car to rescue him when the decisions he makes for himself don't work out. Let him know that you won't rescue him again, the last time, was the last time.

You can't be walked all over unless you allow it to happen.

You need to take care of yourself, and get moving to find the resources you need to survive.

He needs to take care of himself as well, and use the money he has coming in to find a stable home on his own, and a job to maintain himself.

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Yes its you. Sorry, you expect him to do for you, and he lives with you? Darn right he should be doing his part, instead of you begging for help.

He does it, because you allow it. You have failed to set boundaries, and express what is expected of him. Do so now, or he can pack his sport car up, and get the hell out. And take his friends with him.

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Thanks for the replies. He's limited his parties to a person visiting and he's helping out around the house...

I am getting help at the local low income mental health care center and have been since I've been here for the last 13 years. Before that I was getting medical and counseling help wherever I/we were. Lots of different meds, but it's hit or miss when it comes to mental illness.

I guess I should say I don't expect him to support me. He is my son. I'm just looking for a little help at this time because of the situation with the delayed decision on SSI/SSDI. I've had so many jobs and I do want to work, be a part of society, but something triggers my PTSD and I end up in the hospital a lot for attacks. It's not an issue of wanting to work... I beat myself up a lot because of attitudes of others that I've grown up with, and see around me. I know that a lot of people who don't have a mental illness will not understand and that certainly includes family members, and I don't blame them. And I do blame myself. It's not a 'poor me' attitude either, but I see my failures from the past to current times as issues I've been trying to deal with/ fix/ overcome for the past 27 years... I really wish I could explain better. I punish myself for them and for being messed up and with some of the replies here (and I asked for it), it really brings home the fact that I am obviously so screwed up. Maybe it's not PTSD but just laziness, or maybe it's that I've been on so many meds since 13.

Anyway, things have been better between me and my son. So far he's been more understanding and respecting. And I'm being that way towards him. I still get my attacks and he's very helpful. I apologize to him for seeing me hitting myself and kind of yelling at voices I know aren't there, but are right on the edge ready to totally break me. He says he's used to it and it's not embarrassing and that he still loves me anyway. No matter the issues we have with each other, I just have to remember that...

I've got a couple of job interviews coming up this week and I have no doubt I'll get a job. It's just so defeating and embarrassing when I have attacks while at work and my anxiety increases because I wonder what is going to happen that will trigger an episode, and try so hard to fight it...

I suppose I'm trying to explain my thoughts and feelings, which underline the issues between me and my son, in an attempt to understand myself.

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Thank you:) My son is trying but with some of the things he's seen growing up and while deployed in Iraq... He's still young and I do need to put my foot down on some of his actions. It's hard though, because, even though he's my son, he's also a male and I'm afraid of and anxious around any male. Not his fault for my initial fear and it does feel so odd that I would feel that way towards my own son, but I think it has something to do with his size and voice. I'm still trying to figure it out with help. And if I can't figure it out then my son will definitely not understand. But I do need to try harder to stand up for myself... It would probably surprise him and he would change over time.

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I'm glad some of this is working out for you. I would recommend a few things to you.

First, it's great that you're interviewing. Know that being mentally ill is a lot like having a chronic physical ailment, and you just have to plow through. You may feel like sleeping all day but you have to force yourself to get up and be at work 5 minutes before your shift begins. Approach it like playing a role in a play - the role of the ideal employee. Don't tell them your personal business - keep your personal feelings and thoughts and history out of your job entirely.

As for your son, determine what would be a fair charge for room and board in the house. If you are renting the home it's fair for him to pay 1/2 of the rent, utilities and groceries and to buy anything for his friends and company 100%. If you own the home, perhaps he pays half the utilities and groceries and a third of the mortgage payment, plus doing some chores like mowing the lawn and cleaning the gutters.

Generally you need an agreement, and then need to stick to the agreement.

You cannot be taking things like his cigarettes - if he's paying bills, he's a grown man and deserves his privacy.

Take care!

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I've read everything you have written along with most of the answers/comments. I totally understand how you feel. NO it is not you and No you don't have to take it. Whether you work or not is no one else's business, especially if you are suffering from PTSD. When your son or any of your children make you feel bad about yourself, that isn't right either.
I do hope you get your social security. Just know, it won't solve financial matters.
Mothers, brothers, daughters and sons, nieces, nephews, sister-in-laws, etc... all expect you to act THIS way and feel THIS way and think THIS way and STOP feeling what feelings you are having---not easy is it?
You have a right to your feelings. You have the right to be mad. You have the right to cry. You have the right to be frustrated and fear saying EXACTLY how you feel.
That growing tightness in your gut, the shallow breathing, afraid to breath a good long deep breath in case someone should hear you, your shoulders pulled up around your ears, wrapping your arms around yourself--why to hold yourself together or keep from falling apart? Yup--all that.. and a kid whit no responsibility or care in the world thinks they have the right to tell you to stop feeling that way...

I guess what I want ot say is... you have the right to your feelings. Just like me! Iwas looking for a safe place to vent my feelings too and you seem to have the same kind of problems as I do. I hope things get better and the sun shines a little brighter tomarrow for the both of us.

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