Q: I just broke up with my boyfriend because his mom offered to buy him a house if he broke up with me. What I’ve realized is that there’s a commonality with the guys I’ve dated. All of their mothers are very controlling. How do I change myself so that I stop attracting the same kind of guy?

-May P.

A: Hi May,

You ask a great question that many people struggle with. Habitually getting involved with the same type of person over and over again isn’t an accident or a coincidence. It’s done by choice; however, it’s typically not a conscious kind of choice. It’s more often than not driven by some underlying need, desire or self-esteem issue within you. Depending on how deep-seated these issues are, you may need the assistance of a therapist to drill to the core of this repetitive behavior in order to change it. Step one, however, in breaking this pattern, always begins with awareness. Your message to me demonstrates clearly that you now have accomplished this first important step.

Two clues that I get from your message are that you’re attracted to (1) men who have controlling mothers, and (2) men whose family have money. Some people find a way out of repeating patterns by mindfully dating people who don’t fit the normal mold of men that they’re typically attracted to. This is accomplished by a shear act of knowing the pattern that you’re trying to avoid. Others simply let their friends set them up with dates as a way of avoiding their own personal preferences that consistently lead them to wrong people. If you can’t change this through a strong act of will and your own efforts, allow a trained professional to help you work yourself through this, May.