Snowed In

Snowed In- Nick Fuentes

Faithful Fool’s Gold readers, I’d like to start this off by saying that the reason this article is being made available to you all so late is because I’ve been stuck in Russia. Our F.G. intern is not allowed to enter Russia, so that left only myself to get the inside scoop on the Winter Olympics in Sochi. I made it to Moscow and that’s as far as I was able to get; the weather was too awful for traveling to Sochi. But I didn’t make it back to the U.S. empty handed.

Fool’s Gold got an exclusive interview with an American who has been scouting out the Russians for some time now, none other than Mr. Edward Snowden.

F.G.- I’d like to start this interview by saying that I’m not a fan of your work.

E.S. – I’d like to say that I’m not a fan of your work either, but at least people know who I am. Who are you again?

F.G. – I’ll ask the questions. (The tension was obvious) Do you have any opening observations or comments concerning the on-going Winter Olympics?

E.S. – These have got to be the most well-run games in winter games history. And least corrupt.

F.G.- What makes you say that? Have you not see the laughable conditions these athletes are subjected to?

E.S.- Yup, and it makes me laugh. If anything, these games prove that American athletes can only bring home gold if the conditions are perfect, or they’ll Instagram about it.

F.G.- I’d like to clarify that the American athletes who participate in the Winter Olympics are just average Americans who witnessed one of the Winter Games’ stupid events and thought, “That looks dumb and easy. I bet I can do that.”

E.S.- I’d like to clarify that I’ve thought that exact thing about your mother.

F.G.- Do you have a favorite event that you like to experience, other than exposing millions of classified files of the United States to her enemies?

E.S.- I quite enjoy paired figure skating.

F.G.- Of course you do.

E.S.- It’s just really funny when they spin really fast and lose their footing, because they smack their heads on the ice like 80% of the time. Hilarious.

F.G.- I quite enjoy that about figure skating as well. Any final comments, maybe some secret information about the games you want to let the F.G. reader in on?

E.S.- Vladimir Putin asked me if I would hack into the Tinder app server and steal all the conversations between athletes while in Sochi. Really good stuff; you could probably make a book about it. “Russia: It’s going down, I’m reading Tinder” (to the tune of Pitbull’s-Timber)

F.G.- Thanks for joining me and salvaging this wasted trip to Russia.

So there you have it folks; it sounds like your everyday regular Winter Olympics. I guess all I really learned is that the Winter Olympics are like this article: boring, and at the end you feel unsatisfied for having been apart of the travesty by experiencing it.