Warning

This site contains variations on a joke designed to offend, told with explicit language, sex, violence and disturbing imagery to see which teller can top the other. The Aristocrats Joke is intended for readers 18 years and older. If you are underage or faint of heart, leave now.

The mother says, "Sir, if you just see our act, we know you would want to represent us."

The agent says, "OK. OK. I'll take a look."

Rating

100.00%liked this joke

Rate This JokeFunnyNot Funny

The beautiful young family enters the stage. Dad is 34, white, an ex-marine, and as hot as hell. Mom is a former Playboy model, blonde hair, blue eyes, tits to kill for. Oliver, their son, is 12 years old. He’s freckle faced, with a cute blonde mop of hair and a smile that would melt even Hitler’s heart. Their youngest son, Conan, is 2. He’s still in diapers. Their daughter Lily is 6. Dad begins the show by stripping completely naked and gently placing his engorged cockhead between the 2 year olds lips. Conan is sucking like a little trooper, but it’s not enough for Dad, he wants more. With a swift downward action, Dad’s fist cleanly breaks Conan’s jaw, and the baby boy begins to wail, an almost inhuman sound. At this point, the naked ex-Playboy model squats over her pre-pubescent son’s peach-fuzz covered face and begins to piss down the boy’s eager throat. She removes a 3-day old tampon from her yeast infected cunt, and the boy opens wide as she slips the slimy, yellow-red colored pussy plug into his waiting maw. Dad comes over and starts fucking Oliver in the asshole, using only his man spit as lube. Oliver screams as his own father’s 10 inch fuck stick deflowers his tender, hairless boy vagina. Dad fucks deeper and harder, but Oliver doesn’t pass out due to the crystal meth he was given before the incestual fuck fest began. Now, the 2 year old wanders over, his jaw swinging back and forth, piss and shit running down his legs due to the searing pain he’s experiencing, and begins to cry for his Mommy. Mom swoops him up, opens his asshole, and inserts a 12-inch black dildo inside him with one push. The two year olds colon is immediately perforated, and he begins to seize while foaming at the mouth, his eyes rolling back in his adorable little head. Now Dad calls over the family dog. A 110 pound Rottweiler mounts the 6 year old daughter and begins ramming his entire dog dick inside her precious girl snatch. Dad begins playing a harmonica while balancing the 2 year old on his cock, all while ramming the kid’s face into a hot iron, then dipping the seared tissue into boiling salted lemon juice. At this point, the Grandfather wheels himself in on a hot pink wheelchair with sparklers attached to his drooping scrotum with safety pins. His diabetes has made his toes turn gangrenous, which he reaches down and removes with a dull butter knife. He then wheels over to Dad and Conan, and feeds the toddler his green, slimy, pus-filled toes complete with yellow rotting toenails and a odor like dead shrimp and white-out. At this point in the show, Dad changes into a Nazi SS uniform and wheel a life-size replica of a Nazi death camp oven out onto the stage. The mood is lightened briefly when he removes a Pizza Hut stuffed crust Pepperoni from the blazing oven/crematorium. The song “Springtime for Hitler” from the musical hit “The Producers” is blaring loudly over the sound system. Mom removes a cross shaped like a swastika from her asshole and plunges it into her baby boy’s rapidly beating heart. “Celebration” by Kool and the Gang now begins to play. Grandpa wheels over to Oliver and inserts a double-size enema filled with hot diarrhea into the boys ravaged cumdump. Grandpa begins to puke up prune juice and Metamucil when he sees Oliver shitting out his own diarrhea, mixed with the enema filling, as well as corn, green sour patch kids, and half-digested Chicken McNuggets. A newborn baby is brought onto stage and thrown into the blistering hot oven without so much as a second thought. The smell of burning baby flesh and plastic diapers fills the room. Mom takes an axe and severs the purebred Rotties spinal cord, which causes him to bite the face off the bloody, screaming 6 year old Lily. Dad runs off stage with both fists inside Oliver, leaving grandpa alone in the center with a spotlight on the bloody stumps where his feet used to be. Granddad now douses himself with kerosene and a flaming fetus is shot onto his lap from off stage. As he burns, he writhes in agony, all while the country hit “She Think’s My Tractor’s Sexy” by Kenny Chesney blares from the speakers.

For the longest time, the agent just sits in silence. Finally, he manages, "That's a hell of an act. What do you call it?"