Monthly Archives: March 2012

In all seriousness I’m surprised you all have listened to me whine for 100 posts. So really applause to you! But I wanted to do something kind of fun for my 100th post so I present to you – the weird search results that lead people to this blog! I always love checking these and a lot of them make me laugh. So without further ado…

I also wanted to let you know that I know I am behind on the photo challenge. The thing is I am actually sitting in the airport right now about to go to my friend’s wedding. So in all honesty I don’t want to worry about it. So I’m calling it good for me this month. It was so much fun and I really enjoyed it. I will leave you with one last photo, the one I was saving for the last day “complete”.

My body hates me. Like, no joke. The past 5 days have been a long confusing nightmare. As I’ve mentioned I have been ovulating on my own for the past 4 cycles, but I have not been charting them at all. What I’ve been going off of is the fact that my period has been starting on its own which never happened in the previous year. Pretty good indication right? The cycles have been between 31-35 days, not exactly regular but regular enough for me and my OB. I’ve also had after ovulation symptoms like sore nipples and progesterone CM. Like I said, good indication.

So I went into this week very excited and hopeful. I started charting this cycle as well. I was expecting to ovulate between CD 18-21 so during those days we got busy. I was temping every morning, checking my cervix and cm, and on the look out for any ovulation signs. Here is where it gets messy…as of today CD 23 I have not had a thermal shift. Not even a little one. My temp is the same as it has been all month, perhaps even a little lower.

But I FEEL like I ovulated yesterday. CD 20-22 I have had a high, soft, open cervix and lots of ewcm. Today my cervix started off high then dropped low by late afternoon. My cm has dried up and is even starting to feel a little more like post ovulation cm. Plus my nipples became sore today. I NEVER get sore nipples unless it is during the TWW. So WTF is going on with my temp?!?!?!

I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t bothering me. It is driving me crazy! So crazy that I couldn’t go back to sleep for over an hour after taking my temperature this morning. I had been so sure that it would rise! When I was on clomid my temp always went up, yet I never took any progesterone supplements. So I really have no idea what to think. I feel so frustrated because all signs point to ovulation except for that stupid thermometer.

My new Endo wanted me to do blood work 7 dpo (I’m now convinced that this tempted the fates and is the reason I’m in this situation) so my plan is to go in one week from today. I have no idea what to expect. I’m so scared that I’m not going to be ovulating on my own anymore because it totally screws us over. We are not ready to go back to a RE. We are still too scarred from the surgery. But I can’t sit around and do NOTHING. I can’t. I won’t. I also refuse to accept that I have not been ovulating the past 4 cycles, that makes NO sense to me.

I’m a total Coke addict. I admit it, really I should be going to meetings. It’s not just the caffeine for me it is almost a comfort thing. Whenever I am upset or not feeling well J asks if he should go get me a Coke. Of course the answer is always yes. I’ve tried giving it up before but I always am drawn back. I figure as soon as I get pregnant I’ll be able to give it up for good because at least I’ll get a baby out of it.

For 4 years off and on I worked at Nordstrom in the cosmetics department. I’m a total makeup junkie and have quite an extensive collection, these little glitter pots are so fun for a night out to give a little sparkle, but these days I hardly wear eye shadow. No need to be all fancy when you work with snot-nosed kids all day.

Today I got take a break from my desk and run an errand to the post office to send out a bunch of flyers that we have going out. Got TOTALLY lost but it was nice to take a little time away from work. I also got to push around these nifty little carts to move the mail from my car to the bins. I felt like a mailman and a pretty awesome one at that.

Ovulation time. It says something about my current state of mind that I am actually dreading this time. Of course I want this cycle to be the one, but I’ve wanted it for so long and hoped so much only to be let down that I feel a little numb about it. I hate the TWW with the passion of a thousand burning suns because no matter what I do to protect myself I always end up getting my hopes up and being terribly disappointed.

Not to mention the fact that of course I had to be ovulating the one weekend that we have friends coming into town to visit. Talk about making things a little more awkward. But I guess I should not be complaining about ovulating since I went so long with it not happening but still… And I am grateful that my body has been getting its act together, I’m just tired of the pain.

So I am trying to remain emotionless. We will do our thing, we will try, but I refuse to believe that it will end up any different from all the other months. I refuse to put my heart on the line this month because right now I don’t think I can stand to have it broken.

This journey is full of hope and disappointment, hope and disappointment. It is a vicious cycle.

Apparently by therapy session last night went in one ear and out the other. She kept talking about accepting all my feelings and not bottling them up which I guess I am still doing. Change takes time. And at least for today, bottling it up is working for me.