Monday, December 12, 2005

Sic Transit

Let's just say, for the sake of argument, that you're a knitter living in a major metropolitan area.

Let's also say that you typically spend 90 minutes each week day commuting on the city's public transit system.

Ninety minutes per day, five days each week adds up to 450 minutes. Seven-and-a-half hours.

Some things a person could do in a week, spending that amount of time on a subway train:

Burn 4,590 calories by jogging in place.

Read The Da Vinci Codes from start to finish twice.

Brush up on the Latin subjunctive.

Write seven long or 14 short letters to Grandma.

Learn basic Spanish from bilingual posters for train safety, international long distance, Target, and public service announcements.

What the knitter in question will do instead, faced with a deadline-driven project that involves creating a heavy, solid garter-stitch rectangle measuring 54 inches by 46 inches, using worsted-weight yarn and a size 7 needle:

Knit.

Here are good things about knitting a gigantic woolen rectangle while transitting publicly:

If the heat in the train car ceases to function, the project will keep your legs warm.

You will be a source of amusement to other passengers, who will often ask you friendly questions and wish you well.

You will not have to read The Da Vinci Codes.

Here are less fortunate things about knitting a gigantic woolen rectangle en train.

A gust of wind in mid-stitch may send your ball of yarn flying down the platform, requiring that you chase after it.

While pursuing the errant wool, your knitting bag (which now weighs as much as a small hippo) may knock a fellow commuter flat on her caboose.

You may then miss the incoming train.

Having caught the next train, you may be spotted by an enthusiastic member of the Nation of Islam (dude–cute bow tie), who will decide you are the perfect subject for an impromptu sermonette on the evils of homosexuality and the proper roles of men and women.*

As you exit the train, your tape measure may get caught in the door, leaving you no choice but to wave goodbye as it continues north without you.

31 comments:

I think it was Leigh Witchell who had the ball of yarn he was working with bounce out of his project bag, and roll out the open subway car door a nanosecond before the door slammed shut. He broke the yarn, as he could imagine his project being mangled against the door when the train left the station.

In Scandinavia, the knitters had hooks that they used to attach the ball of yarn to their clothes. I think it was part of the woman's traditional costume in one or more of the provinces. I think it's a great idea. Next Christmas, okay?

Sorry, Frank, but I got your commute beat by a bit. I am on the road about 2:40 each day. (Fortunately, I am only driving for about 40 min. of that.) Good knitting time, though I admit I try not to carry the big projects with me.

And here I was feeling ambitious for planning to start knitting a gift on the train in Colorado and delivering it when the train stops in Albequerque 8 hours later. Probably won't get a sermon though, since I'm of the generally accepted knitting gender, and NOI members are pretty thin on the ground in that part of the country.

Oh Franklin...I have a feeling that your mailbox will be full of tape measures soon...Maybe you should tell the NOI guy that you'd rather not be subjected to the horrors of heterosexuality -- i.e., reproduction...(just kidding...I have two kids and they are not horrors...although my stepchildren are another story...)

I feel your pain.I'm also insanely jealous. I so miss my commuting knitting time.I knit an entire child size dress on size 2's on the train (Dale pattern, modified up..)Now, I mourn my commuting time - I have to DRIVE those 8 miles every morning, and DRIVE them again on the way home.When the road is empty, and I'm all alone on it, it's really hard not to grab the knitting to test my ability to knit while driving with my knee....

Franklin, you have made the quarter-hour wait in the middle of the subway tunnel while a medical emergency four stops ahead was dealt with in record slowness seem not-so-bad. After all, I had my knitting.

I'm a nice Jewish boy, respectful and polite. I was walking down Michigan Avenue with my boss one day when a young man approached me and asked, "Can I talk to you a minute about Jesus?" I couldn't think of what else to say, so I responded, "Sure, what do you want to know?" This threw the man off his game, and he was so flustered, if I had tried a little bit, I think I could have converted him.

I have seen, I believe on KnitPicks.com, little project bags that hold little more than a skein of yarn and a cable needle -- they hand from the wrist.

What would you think about organizing a knit-in for male knitters in Chicago? I think we could have a lot of fun. (I think that in college this is where I offered to make a mix tape!)

You are leading my life. (Except my resident religious maniac speaks to me about my lack of proper clothing and loud voice. I do not attempt to demure.) It's good that you're doing this, maybe the planet will leave off of me while I get my deadline driven large woollen squares done on the subway.

OK, here's a question not related to balls bouncing or religious freakoids. Are you double stranding the Jo Sharp? Otherwise, poodle, {and I HATE to contradict the great and wish Franklin (snort!)} you are knitting DK.

Now back to religious freakoids, when I lived in the city, JWs would walk by and offer me their rag while I was waiting for the bus in the morning. I would always tell them to get a life. And for some reason, they would look shocked! Can you imagine?!?

Franklin is not referring to Muslims--the 1.4 billion people in the world who believe that Mohammed was the last & greatest prophet of God--most of whom don't try to convert you unless you wander into a mosque and ask a lot of interested questions.

Franklin's accoster is from the Nation of Islam, a group of about 50,000 people in the U.S., who believe that God visited earth in 1930 incarnated in the person of a man named W. D. Fard, and that Fard's most prominent follower, Elijah Mohammed, is not dead but actually flying around in a UFO somewhere. Malcolm X (Shabazz), the most well-known NOI member, repudiated NOI and became a "real" Muslim after making his pilgrimage to Mecca. Check out the Wikipedia article on NOI for more info.

Franklin: I love, love, love your title.

Much better than the hideous joke on the same theme made by Sydney's rival Betsy Gilhooley in "Dykes to Watch Out For": "Sic transit gloria Tuesday."

Anyway, this does sound like a horrible commute and you have my full sympathy.

I once saw a person get their backpack caught inside the subway doors while their body was outside. Wearing the backpack.

The train started to leave, and the person was screaming and running sideways/backwards, and everyone on the platform was shouting "STOP! STOP!" Fortunately this made some impression on the driver, so the train was stopped and disaster was averted, just as the person lost their footing and was about to start being dragged.

I think it would be neat if people would start lecturing ME on the evils of homosexuality. I'd love it! (Of course, I invite those crazy Xians in for tea when they knock on my door, and seat them so they have to look right at my Hindu icons.)

You won't believe but I feel at home reading your blog. I thought I am the only one got shit happens all the time!And here is the similar scenerio, I got approach by the anti-communist Chinese group approach me all the time and ask me to sign a form to quit the party. I am ethnically Chinese, but am not from China and have never joined any party! (ok, I did join the school parties back in the college and fiestas in Spain).

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