Monday, 8 January 2007

Never Mind, Baby

My novel manuscript that featured nudity, was discreetly if not a little bitch-ily - judging by the tut tut remarks of a polite sneering woman agent, who I never had the feeling would become my agent anyway so why did I ever.... sheesh!!If you're a woman, best not to send any prose on blatant sensuality where the female character is at the mercy of a I-can-do-anything-to-you-kind of a man to a heterosexual female agent. By all means, send it to a man or a transsexual and even a lesbian should be alright.A celibate of course, won't know what you're talking about.And in your query letter, you must never like me, make the fatal mistake of sounding enthusiastic over a man who reviles monogamy with unmentionable vocabulary or turns his steely gaze into a whip that strips you thin in the wink of an eye.The majority of female literary agents I daresay may embrace romantic ideals made up of perfumes, flowers and honeymoons. How do you know the one with the fetishes?So mind the genre...I mean, gender! Mind the gender!I comfort my story in my head - saying never mind baby, you can follow me now to London and we'll see if a seedy alternative underground publishing unit (think Soho) won't be perked up by your tasty delights. I don't care who publishes it. I am determined now that this particular fiction is published once and for all if only to prove a point. And even if old lovers take me to court afterwards. But did I say fiction?

*Please note that this post is made up of humorous assumptions and not credited fact.