Sometimes, when I am thinking about things, my mind does this triple split thing. One part of my thinking is logical and coherent and I believe I problem solve in a rational manner. Another part of my thinking goes very ...... I am trying to find the right word - as it is spiced with emotion, anger, passion, loudness, outrageous and 'revved up' sentiments. In a way it is FFS thinking. The third type of thinking is very dreamy, fantasy, free flowing and imagining all sorts of perfect (well that is perfect according to my perceptions).

Can you image how busy inside my head becomes? I have been told by others who observe my resting face or thinking face or dozing face, that I twitch and move constantly. I guess that is not surprising when I consider that inside my head is doing a wild dance to the beat of a very fast bongo drum !!

For quite a while now I have been going down this thought path of 'where am I at, at this point of my life?' I have to tell you the FFS thinking is pretty wild. At times, I feel that after all the experiences of my career, living and loving I am irrelevant, I do have a lot to contribute, but never before have I felt so invisible. I am trying to dissect why I am feeling like this and I have to tell you, it is not sitting easy ..... I feel like there is so much more to do, see, be and feel. But somehow I am in suspended animation.

A recent conversation with a very beautiful friend took me down a path of thinking about rites of passage on life. Amazing 24 hours of sharing thoughts, feelings and energy. It made me reflect about what is it, that is my essence. In a bizarre twist of irony, a few days earlier I had had a deep conversation with someone else I am working with about my career and it went the same way. Only we were using language that was "corporate speak".

What I do know is that I feel that something is ready to shift and I don't know how, when, where or what - but, I am not ready to be invisible and irrelevant.