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Tuesday, January 29, 2013

A post by me

They say blogging is like riding bike. Once you learn how, you never forget. Okay, I lied. No one actually ever said that about blogging because, well, that would be stupid. I should probably also mention that it IS possible to forget how to learn to ride a bike, especially if you never learned how to properly ride one in the first place. For example when I was a little kid my best friend and I decided to race invisible monsters around the culdesac only my tire got a little too close to the curb and I flew out into the street, using only my face to catch my fall. That was a super fun ER visit, complete with getting my chin stitched back together by one doc, while the other one scrubbed tiny street particles out of my cheek. If racing invisible monsters was an Olympic sport, my medal would've been made entirely out of dog poop.

Anywho, my point is that if I don't blog something (anything) soon, I will never remember how to blog again. Don't get me wrong…i'm eternally grateful for Karen at Baking In A Tornado for organizing an amazing, talented slew of bloggers to keep my blog alive while I take some time away to ice my vagina (more on that later) and squint like a pirate because my vision is being invaded by uveitis and i'm seeing spots (and not the cute kind of spots either), but I miss blogging. I do. Like a lot. I'm sure some of my readers have already given up on me and have flown ship over to Pinterest where you can learn how to make a birdhouse out of toilet paper and twine. I don't blame them. I can never compete with that. Ever.

There's not a whole lot to update on my condition. Still waiting for the dumb doctor's office to call me back with referral info. I did call them today to find out what the hold up was, only to be told they are still waiting on my insurance company. I think that say that to everyone who calls no matter what the situation, but whatever. I'm still freaking exhausted but if I lie down then i'm a useless turd, so I have to stay moving. And since two toddler boys don't understand what "Mommy needs to rest" means, they are no help. I could be barfing up blood and they would still be yelling at me to get them a "peanut bunner and jelly sammich" as Peanut calls it.

As if my life isn't crazy and nutty butters enough, i'm officially homeschooling my 5 year old son for Pre-K as he missed the kindergarten cut off this year. I promise I wont turn this into one of those homeschooling threads even though i'm a little obsessed about all things home school right now. Feel free to post your favorite home school blogs in the comments. One thing about homeschooling though is i've learned that I really should've been born an octopus. I need more arms. And legs. And just everything. More sanity. More junk food so i'm not so grouchy. More coffee. More diet soda at my disposal. What the? Geez, talk about getting sidetracked! EEEK! Anyways, today I caught myself leaning over the computer helping my 5 y/o with one of his lessons, and then pulled in the opposite direction by Peanut who was still attached to my boob like a baby alligator. Do you ever have those moments where you're like, "What the hell am I doing?" Yeah, I had one of those. I'm trying really hard to get Peanut off the boob. If anyone knows how to wean a toddler who is a boob obsessed maniac please let me know. Other than chopping off my nipples (YEOWTCH), i'm at a loss. And yeah, in one short post i've already mentioned vagina, dog poop and nipples. Run to Pinterest people, RUN!

Okay so to avoid mentioning nipples again, i'm going to switch gears to the weather. It is wet, nasty and pouring down rain outside. Gross. Yesterday as I was trying to carry Peanut to the van, while trying not to drench the bottoms of my pants, I made the crucial error of squeezing my buttcheeks together in an awkward way (yes, i'm sure this would only happen to yours truly), and felt a rip that went all the way up my hoohaw. Nothing like pulling your vaginey muscle in your driveway. So there you have it. Life at our house is still crazy, i'm still exhaustipated (exhausted and constipated from the pain meds but i'll save that gem for another post) and you're probably wishing you would've made that birdhouse right about now.

An awesomely refreshing tale of serene motherhood. Please doc, can you un-menopause me so I can experience the joys of weaning and screaming? Please? NOT, no way, only kidding, but glad to read about it, tho. And take care of your health!! hugs to you.

What did I just get treated to an actual Peanut Layne post? How lucky am I? Wait, did I just say that your vaginey muscle pull is my good luck? Yes, I think I did. So great to hear your "voice". Get well soon.

Sit your ass on a bag of frozen peas, hand peanut a spoon full of peanut bunners and turn on some trash TV. The world will not fall apart if you take care of yourself! And, even if it does - it could be a very funny post! Xoxo