Joke of the day

Every man needs a go-to joke.

Monday

Joke
N°
1859

Efficient Waiters
I took some friends out to dinner last week, and noticed a spoon in the shirt pocket of our waiter as he handed us the menus. It seemed a little odd, but I dismissed it as a random thing. Until our busboy came with water and tableware... he too, sported a spoon in his breast pocket. I looked around the room, and all the waiters, waitresses, busboys, etc. had spoons in their pockets.
When our waiter returned to take our order, I just had to ask, "Why the spoons?"
"Well," he explained, "Our parent company recently hired some efficiency experts from a consulting firm to review all our procedures, and after months of statistical analysis, they concluded that our patrons drop spoons on the floor 73% more often than any other utensil; at a frequency of three spoons per hour per workstation. By preparing all our workers for this contingency in advance, we can cut our trips to the kitchen down and save time... nearly 1.5 extra man-hours per shift.
Just as he concluded, a "ch-ching" came from the table behind him, and he quickly replaced a fallen spoon with the one from his pocket.
"I'll grab another spoon the next time I'm in the kitchen instead of making a special trip," he proudly explained.
I was impressed. "Thanks, I had to ask."
"No problem," he answered, and then he continued to take our orders.
As the members of my dinner party took their turns, my eyes darted back and forth from each person ordering and my menu. That's when, out of the corner of my eye, I spotted a thin, black thread protruding from our waiter's fly. Again, I dismissed it; yet I had to scan the room and, sure enough, there were other waiters & busboys with strings hanging out of their trousers.
My curiosity overrode discretion at this point, so before he could leave I had to ask. "Excuse me, but... uh... why, or what ...about that string?"
"Oh, yeah" he began in a quieter tone. "Not many people are that observant. That same efficiency group found that we could save time in the men's room too."
"How's that?" I asked
"You see, by tying a string to the end of our, eh... selves, we can pull it out at the urinals literally hands-free and thereby eliminate the need to wash our hands, cutting time spent in the restroom by over 93%!"
"Oh, that makes sense," I said, but then thinking through the process, I asked, "Hey, wait a minute! If the string helps you pull it out, how do you get it back in?"
"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon in my pocket!" Mike S.

Tuesday

Joke
N°
1860

Billy's Condition
Billy is lying in a hospital bed after having his leg amputated.
The doctor enters his room and in a cool, hushed tone, says, "Billy, I have some good news and some bad news."
Billy says, "Hey Doc, my life is practically ruined after this accident, what worse news can I hear? Gimme the bad news first!"
The doctor says, "Billy, I'm sorry, but we cut off the wrong leg."
Billy is distraught. In a slow quivering voice he asks, "...and the good news?"
The doctor replies, "Your other leg is getting better!" Jason B.

Wednesday

Joke
N°
1861

Fannie Green
A man enters the confessional and says to the Irish Priest, "Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green every week for the last month."
The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's."
Soon another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months."
This time the priest asks, "Who is "Fannie Green?"
"A new woman in the neighborhood," the sinner replies.
"Very well," says the priest. "Go and say 10 Hail Mary's."
The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when suddenly, a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church.
All the men's eyes fall upon her, as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in the front pew. Her dress is green and very short, and she's wearing matching shiny emerald green shoes. The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits with her legs slightly apart.
The priest turns to the altar boy and asks, "Is that Fannie Green?"
The altar boy, whose eyes are popping out of his head, replies, "No Father, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes." P. Oliver

Thursday

Joke
N°
1862

Denounce The Devil
The priest was preparing a man for his long day's journey into night. Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of him!"
The dying man said nothing. The priest repeated his order. Still the man said nothing.
The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?"
The dying man said, "Until I know for sure where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody." Wally D.

Every 14th of February you get the chance to display your fondness for your wife or girlfriend by showering her with gifts, flowers, dinner, shows, and any other baubles that women find romantic.
Here's a secret: Guys feel left out. That's right -- left out. There's no special holiday for the ladies to show their appreciation for the men in their lives. Men as a whole are either too proud or just too embarrassed to admit it. Which is why a new holiday has been created.
March 14th is now officially "Steak & BJ Day."
Simple, effective and self-explanatory, this holiday has been created so your ladies can have a day to show your man just how much you love him. No cards, no flowers, no special nights on the town. The name of the holiday explains it all; just a steak and a BJ. That's it. This twin pairing of Valentine's Day and Steak & BJ Day will usher in a new age of love as men everywhere will try that much harder in February to ensure a more memorable March! It's like a perpetual love machine.
The word is already spreading, but as with any new idea, it needs a little push to start the ball rolling. So spread the word, and help bring love and peace to this crazy world. Jeffrey P.

Saturday

Joke
N°
1864

A Little Message
A punk rocker entered a hospital ER. This young woman had purple hair styled into a mohawk, a variety of tattoos, and was wearing strange clothing.
It was determined that the patient had acute appendicitis and was scheduled for immediate surgery.
When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff found that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it was a tattoo reading: "Keep off the grass."
After the prep and the surgery, the surgeon added a small note to the dressing that said: "Sorry, had to mow the lawn." Sal D.

Sunday

Joke
N°
1865

Smart Dog
A large dog walks into a butcher's shop with a purse in its mouth. He puts the purse down and sits in front of the meat counter. "What is it, boy?" the butcher asks, joking around with his customers. "Want to buy some meat?"
"Woof!" barks the dog.
"Hmm," says the butcher. "What kind? Liver, bacon, steak..."
"Woof!" interrupts the dog.
"And how much steak? Half a kilo, one kilo..."
"Woof!" says the dog. The amazed butcher wraps up the meat and finds the money in the dog's purse.
As the dog leaves, the butcher decides to follow. The dog enters an apartment building, climbs to the third floor, and begins to scratch on the door. With that, the door swings open and an angry man starts shouting at the dog.
"Stop!" yells the butcher. "What are you doing? That's the most clever animal I've ever seen!"
"Clever?" counters the man. "This is the third time this week he's forgotten his keys!" Sal D.