Still cant have good trip on shrooms

Liquid shrooms + vyvance + xanex

Backstory:

24 yrsold. I am and engineer and have a bad habbit of overthinking things wayyyy too much. I have ADD and have been taking vyvance for probably the last 10 years. The vyvance gives me mild anxiety most days. Last year I did acid (unknown dose)for the first time with one fellow tripper and a sober friend. BEST DAY OF MYLIFE. A few weeks later I took 125 micrograms acid. Had a good come up but af ew hours I started getting anxiety. Ended up having very bad trip took alprazolamto come down. I felt as if I was walking next to myself for the next few months and had very bad anxiety daily and could not focus easily. Took shrooms a few weeks later (1.25 g) with the same three people. Did not have a bad trip but had a negative undertone the entire time. After the first bad trip (on the acid) I have seen the world in a much different way. I no longer feel that I am my body (which is not necessarily a bad thing, just different. I have begun to believe in Asian cultures that you are a function of the universe just as a wave is an function ofthe ocean (quote from Alan Watts). But it is still strange and every once in awhile I have that dagger-like anxiety feeling that I am stuck in a mind loop but it usually goes away quickly due to being able to rationalize when sober. Yesterday (8 months later) I was finally feeling very positive and happy again and wanted to further explore myself and work out any internal issues I might have. So I decided to do shrooms. The trip was as follows.

Set:

positive, a little nervous, work the next day.

Setting:

at my apartment by myself (I wanted it to be this way so I could focus on myself and not worry about if my friends were having agood time or upsetting them if I had a bad trip)

10:00am

took usual dose of 50mg vyvance and ate breakfast

1:00

ate a healthy meal

2:00

took 0.25mg alprazolam to calm my nerves and hope for a steady come up.

The Trip

2:30

Took supposedly 2g dried shrooms equivalent in liquid form (in everclear I think) and laid down in bed and started listening to a familiar meditation guide on my phone to help me relax. I found that my heart was beating very fast and was not able to slow it down so I reminded myself that the point of meditation is just to observe your body, not to force it to do anything. So I didnt try to force myself to relax.

2:45

began noticing my hands looked weird

2:50

body high effects began in my face, jaw felt like it was moving back and forth. I still felt like when I opened my eyes I was sober enough to think.

2:50-3:00

intense visuals whenever I closed my eyes. Started getting very confused andt ried to figure out what the images were but they were morphing too fast and I started to get anxious because I couldn't understand it. I kept telling myself to let it take me wherever it wanted to go and to relax and just let go. I remember saying in my head "I am your friend, thank you for letting me come play here with you in this place" because I wanted to be respectful to the drug. Visuals got more intense so I changed the music (didnt help). I quickly got bored and decided to go over to my computer. looked at some art. I couldnt even focus on the art because it was morphing so much and made me a little nauseous.The picture turned 3d and came off of the wall but It was all so blurry I couldnt understand what was happening.

I got a quick thought spark of a bad trip (felt like a cold dagger into my chest) because I realized I was tripping. At that point I told myself "this is your mission on this trip, you are afraid of bad trips, you are going to defeat that fear!" So I laid back in bed and with all of my will focused on defeating the fear. (maybe this is where I messed up? Should have not tried to control the trip at all because I got more scared every time I realized I wasn't in control)

Went back to computer chair. Realized I was tripping (which caused more anxiety) and reassured myself that I could end it anytime I wanted(I had alprazolam sitting on my desk in front of me). I kept closing my eyes in my chair and was going through crazy visuals with body high feelings of riding a roller coaster (which I didn't particularly enjoy). Kept telling myself to just let go and enjoy it. Picked up the alprazolam to prove to myself that I could take it if I needed it, hoping this thought would calm me down. I even touched it to my tongue to prove I had the control to take it. Tried to wait it out longer and enjoy it but I finally decided I was ready for it to be over (I was not panicking at this moment). I was just over the uncomfortable come up.

3:09

Took 0.25mg of alprazolam. Was immediately more anxious because I kept tripping harder. Waited for a minute and was still tripping balls so I took 0.25 more. (0.5 will mellow me out really good if im sober)

3:11

Realized time was moving extremely slow and got very very anxious. Took 0.5 more mg of alprazolam and came back to my chair. Started having mind loops (suddently realizing I was tripping, trying to stop tripping, confusion, memory loss, then re-realizing I was tripping)and was getting very scared. Tried laying down and closing my eyes was still having bad visuals (little gnomes mining rock in my head).

3:16

Looked at clock again and was scared because alprazolam usually starts to affect me in minutes. I googled the reaction time of alprazolam online and found it was 15 minutes so I wrote it down on a piece of paper. Took 0.5mg more alprazolam. Everytime I looked at the clock I wrote down the time to show myself that I was not stuck in time. To make things worse, a quick thunderstorm blew through and there was loud thunder and lightning (Im sure this would have been amazing if I was having a good trip lol)

3:18

started saying outloud "stop it! Youre fine! Just relax!" I was getting very upset that I was having a bad trip and couldn't turn it around. Kept trying to force myself sober and when it didnt work i got more anxious.

3:21

watched a video on youtube (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bXKYUVQ0lkk ) that talks you out of a bad trip. He recommended drawing. SO I started drawing and got bored very fast and anxious again. took 1mg more of alprazolam.

3:25

started feeling sleepy so I thought I could lay down and sleep it off. More bad visuals when I laid down so I got up, upset that that didntt work. Paced around my living room. Kept having mind loops of forgetting I was tripping and then remembering and getting freaked out. Kept trying to force control over the trip. Sat outside on my balcony. This change of setting momentarily anchored me but I started to have the mind loops again and got mad and started telling myself to chill the F out. Went back inside took about .5mg more alprazolam and then put them away bc I didnt want to take too much.

3:30

Noticed time was over 15 min past when I took the first alprazolam and got very scared bc I was still tripping and anxious.

3:36

Called good friend who knew I was tripping. This is the last time I remember being anxious but I also dont remember any more trip effects after this point either, except for lots of laughing and repeating myself, not being able to focus. Assuming the alprazolam kicked in and thats also why I dont remember much past this point. called a couple more trustworthy friends and talked till about 5:00pm. I remember laughing a lot on the phone (like when you are really happy on an acid trip) and not making much sense. I remember telling them to remind me to do certain things. One friend told me to go watch some nature show on my computer and I kept changing the subject so I told him to keep reminding me to go do it.I never did lol. Found some pictures in my phone taken around 5:30 that made it look like I was having fun. (also found that I took a picture of my dong lol)

Here is what I drew during the trip. you can see how quickly I got bored of drawing the tree lol. and then started writing the times down. At the bottom I was trying too keep count of how much alprazolam i had taken and wrote 2 2= rectangle lol. but what I really had taken was 0.25mg 0.25mg 0.5mg at the time.

The next day:

No anxious feelings when I woke up (except for having to call in sick to work lol). I wanted time to examine my trip so I could grow.After my bad acid trip I was very very messed up for awhile. Im surprised that im actually in a fairly good mood today (took the shrooms yesterday). During the trip I remember thinking "im never doing this again". But surprisingly I wish I could take them again today with this new knowledge.