Gordon shrank in on himself like a lemon-squirted clam

Last updated at 11:40 25 May 2006

Another Wednesday, another bottom-clenching embarrassment for backbench supporters of the Government. Last week they had to endure the John Prescott farce. Yesterday it was Tony Blair and some rank behaviour by his wife that lost them the day. Blameless Labour MPs must be in despair.

The only comfort for Mr Blair's ragged troops was that Sir Menzies Campbell played another shocker. Poor Ming. He got a frog in his throat. It made him sound even more ancient than his carbon-dated 98 years (or whatever it is).

The LibDem leader's failure was hideous to watch, as excruciating as having someone rip away your eyebrows like Velcro.

The moment Sir Ming sat down, MPs from other parties went into a high buzz of delighted gossip. LibDems looked as miserable as occupants of a wave-sodden lifeboat.

The theme tune to Captain Pugwash came to mind.

But back to the Prime Minister. He had opened by voicing handsome words about Eric Forth, the Bromley & Chislehurst Tory who died unexpectedly last week. Conservatives nodded gratitude to Mr Blair for calling Forth "a thoroughly decent man".

The Commons soon reverted to its merciless norm. Within seconds David Cameron had Mr Blair in stuttering difficulty over the Home Office upheavals. The PM vaguely tried to suggest that the last Tory Government had muffed things up on immigration, too. Mr Cameron: "This just won't wash. He'll be blaming Sir Robert Peel next."

This made several Cabinet ministers laugh. They also laughed when Mr Cameron, having heard a great Blair paean about Gordon Brown, asked: "If the Chancellor's doing so well, why not let him take over now?" Mr Brown broke into a banana-shaped grin - but then realised this might look bad. The grin was removed instantly from his countenance. Gordon shrank in on himself like a lemon-squirted clam.

Before long Mr Blair was fighting for the House's attention, gasping "No! No!" as he tried to put a point. Tory MPs shouted "behind you!" (Labour MPs were looking brassed off) and "time's up!" Of that surly fellow Tony McNulty, the ex-Immigration minister who has been palmed off on the police, there was no sign.

Nor did we see Mr Prescott. It's hard to notice his absence nowadays without thinking, "where's the old dog sniffing his snout now?"

Speaker Martin submitted another classic performance. That is to say: he made a prize ass of himself. The old booby misheard, misunderstood, cut favours to Lefties and lost his temper. It really is time he clopped off to the glue factory.

The temper tantrum came when Gorbals tried to tell Tories to stop heckling Mr Blair. They responded by doing elaborate (and rather childish) "shushing". For some reason Gorbals thought the Tories were hissing. He practically stamped his Startrites and shrieked that he would suspend the whole House unless Hon Members composed themselves.

Labour had some fun a few minutes later when plummy Tim Yeo (Con, S Suffolk) put a question, pronouncing the word "year" as "yarh". They started to mimic his accent and Mr Yeo didn't much care for it.

But then came two blows in sweetbreads. First, Malcolm Moss (Con, NE Cambs) asked about Prescott's country pile Dorneywood. Mr Blair said curtly that he would not discuss the matter. Second, Robert Goodwill (Con, Scarborough) raised the row about Cherie Blair signing a copy of the Hutton Report at a Labour fund-raiser. Mr Goodwill did not name Mrs Blair but everyone knew what he was talking about.

A chastened Mr Blair replied that he did "not believe any offence to anyone was intended". I thought he said this well. The man could hardly disown his wife. But Tories will continue to chew this one and Labour MPs know they are vulnerable. As the campaign song didn't say, things can only get worse.