Full of grate.

I have been quiet of late. Shit, lets be honest, I have been quiet since my little ‘incident’ back in March.

I see my blog rankings plummet and I am all fuck it all another fucking thing to add to the list of fucking fuckups that this fuckknuckle of a year has thrown my way. Whine whine whine.

Every little thing is pissing me off. I find myself raising my fist at the heavens and screaming ‘Oh COME ON! What NOW? Seriously what the fuck do you want from me?’

This morning was no different. Last night I fell asleep in my chair. I have never EVER done that before. I took the day off yesterday after getting dizzier and lightheaded more and more over the last week. I lay there in the dark this morning wondering what the day was going to throw at me, knowing that I was going to have to take the goddamn day off work AGAIN today and then face the stares and whispers at work again on Monday. They saw me deteriorating earlier in the week, and then there was the very loud questioning about why I walk down the stairs so funny and did I hurt my hip? Oh, that’s right you hurt your BRAIN so is THAT why you are limping down the stairs! And I sat there and took it and tried to fight back the anger tears and the urge to jump out of my chair and wrap my hands around her insensitive fucking neck.

So I got out of bed and did the bare minimum that was required to get the kids off to school and not have people running screaming if they were unfortunate enough to run into me in the process. After dropping the girls off at the train station and almost getting into TWO car accidents with fuckers that obviously only have a licence to drive the Wiggles car, I found a strange car in the driveway and two tradies in the yard fixing the back door.

Without prior warning.

Boo lost. his. fucking. shit.

Cue shaking fist at the skies.

Once he was calmed down and shipped off to school I returned home with the intention of curling up on the lounge and trying to slow the fuck down so my head would stop spinning,

To sit on my comfortable lounge. Turn the heat up. Wrap myself in a blanket. Maybe make myself something to eat.

In my home. A home my children will return to, have dinner and then get into their nice warm beds.

I got up and made myself some toast and put on some socks and realised how fucking lucky I really am.

I have been focusing on the negative. The things that are going wrong, when the right is staring me in the face.

I have amazing guest posters that have dropped everything and come to my aid, writing amazing posts to keep my blog ticking over. I still have MORE! OMG I love these people.

I have a workplace that allows me to take time off without the threat of losing my job, free medical care (or heavily subsidised) and medications that are literally saving my life.

I have internet access, a phone, a nice warm shower whenever I want.

I have everything. And I need to fucking appreciate that fact.

I am grateful.

Right now, at this moment I am mostly grateful for skim milk in a bottle. Cause I don’t have to go out and squeeze some cows lactation devices so I can have a latte. And I don’t know which kind of cow produces the skim milk, and knowing my luck I would go and get one of those strawberry milk cows and strawberry milk just RUINS a latte.

I am grateful that it is the weekend, and raining at last after a bloody long dryspell, and I am not working on the weekend, and I have a new bathroom and bathub to try out (and when I get a door, and the painting done and a shower screen I can stop showering outside, I’ll be grateful for that too ).But all in all I too am one lucky biatch.

And I am grateful to see this post too, and to hear your voice, even though you have had a pretty rotten day and week.

Big hug. I think of you every time I see a latte mug with fancy shoes on it.I would send you one if I had your snail mail addy. x F’real.

I am very grateful that I have the job I have. That I get to live where I live for 6 months out of the year. That I still have my sweetie husband around after 17 years and that his cancer has not returned. That I no longer live within visiting distance of certain people. That my daughter loves me enough to call me every day. That I have enough money to pay all my bills and buy groceries. That there is a good brand of gluten free bread that I can buy and not have to always make my own. Yes, I too am full of grate.

I’m grateful for my internet connection. It keeps me in touch with J while he’s away. I’m grateful that although he’s away for a month or two at a time, at least I know he’s safe, unlike most women who’s spouses work away from home in the army or some similar job. I’m grateful that my two boys are happy (most of the time!) and healthy. They may do my head in but at least I *have* them to moan about! I’m grateful for coca cola, without which I quite possibly wouldn’t make it through the day!

((hugs)) to you Kel, if you ever want to come to Scotland… I have a spare bed at the mo! 😉 xoxox

Today, I’m grateful my husband is finally home, my kid was in such a fantastic mood this morning, and that I can sit on my deck and watch the rabbits leaping over each other. Not too shabby a morning, really.

I am grateful for a roof and a job and the sun that’s shining today and the second cup of coffee and that my garden is looking beautiful and that the kid is learning to read and that I don’t need to wear shoes in the office and the Jo Malone Grapefruit cologne that I put on this morning.

I’m trying very hard to dig myself out of the abyss and be grateful for all of the things I have. I am healthy, I have a great husband and an awesome kid. I am grateful for pomegranate martinis….yep, that’s my list today.

Grateful? The very same emotion was just busy smacking me in the face when I finally remembered my password and clicked on your name. Even if I did get missing for a while, or forever, a sense of time has escaped me as of late. Kinda like you, as I was cursing my “incident” for what it takes out of me, I am grateful I have access to Dr’s that can put me back together for the sake of a age appropriate adult to watch my just got out of school for the summer kids. I’ll go ahead and give them the whole “life saving meds” thing, but I just finished reading the label where it says to avoid real & artificial sun leaving my tanny bed to gather dust. I would smite it if it weren’t for the fact it removes ALL the fluid out of my body and I am sitting here in my skinny jeans. I may be pastey white but my ass looks great in these babies!

Oh Kelley. I feel like you STILL aren’t grateful enough. I actually KNOW people that are stupid enough to try to milk a bull. I think we should all be grateful you are BRILLIANT and would never do that. Cause until you have witnessed some gomer yanking on a bull’s dick and not understanding why it got so pissed off and tried to kill him, you have no idea how stupid some folks can be….
XOXOXO

I’m sorry things are hard for you at the moment and I hope they get better. I’m glad you can still see the positive.

For me, I’m grateful for my health and my kids’ health, for a house I’ve been able to rent cheaply for years, for nothing breaking down and for the books on my bookshelf. A weird bunch but that’s what comes to mind!

Sometimes I have to remind myself that dispite the craziness that is life, I have much to be grateful for. My sweet boys, my awesome sister to help me take care of those boys, a great job, and a home away from the ghetto. I’m grateful for the changes that have happened in my life recently…those changes remind me that the one constant is change.

I’m grateful you are still posting (much more often than I am)
I’m grateful for where I live, who I live there with, and that I have some fantastic friends.
The wine? Sometimes I’m a little too grateful for it. It’s a valid pain management technique.

I am grateful (and sometimes it is hard when you are depressed) to be alive. To have ‘met’ you via the internet because you make me realize how alive I am…you make me cry (like reading this post), you make me laugh (like reading your other posts and your biatches posts), you make me want to be better in may ways..mentally, physically, spiritutally,you HELP ME more than you know and I, like so many of your other followers, just wish I could jump on an airplane, meet you in the flesh and do anything I can to make your pain go away. I am grateful for you, Kell….{{{hugs}}}

Is alas, not wildly grateful…I’m pleased you’re coping, Kel, and having some pleasant moments amongst the crap. I didn’t realise that your leg was still affected- how shitty. I guess I’m grateful I don’t get lots of asthma and pneumonia like I did when I was a kid, and that my depression is better on the new pills than on the old ones. Neither my BP pill nor the happy pill makes me dizzy and I don’t crave chocolate or vodka. Only chippies… I’m reading “Happier” and doing the activities the author recommends and sometimes I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Roll on good times!