“Setting fire to the Mitchell character was a technical challenge, but the results were worth the additional effort.”

~ Robert C. Cooper on what he does in his spare time.

Stargate: The Ark of Continuum is a 2008 direct to video feature film written and directed by Kevin J. Anderson. It was written to conclude the Stargate SG-1 television series Ori-O story ark (no pun intended). No wait of course there was a pun intended, I even spelled the word arc with a k and everything. Why do people even bother putting "no pun intended" if the purpose is to draw attention to the fact that they made a pun, in which case the pun was intended. But I digress, lets get back to the article.

The film was originally conceived as two separate stories (Stargate: The Ark of Truth & Stargate: Continuum) written by Robert C. Cooper and Quentin Tarantino as part of the grindhouse double feature. Unfortunately the individual stories proved to be crap and were later consolidated into a single story for (in the words of Robert C. Cooper) "reasons of awesomeness." Quentin Tarantino also cites budgetary constrains due to financial problems at MGM as the reason for the films consolidation. In an effort to secure more funding Cooper resorted to prostitution while Tarantino sort funding from numerous sources including down the back of the sofa, busking, and tarot card readings.

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The plot of the movie centres around SG-1, an elite group of space travelling marines from earth, who are able to travel vast distances through space by the use of magic, or possibly something called a Stargate. SG-1 must travel back in time to stop their old adversary Ba'al (you can't make this shit up) and Sack (that one I made up) from teaming up with Hitler and the Nazis during world war two and thus altering the course of human history for some reason.

The story begins with SG-1 celebrating the defeat of the Ori-O, an evil faction of biscuits traditionally consisting of white filling, or cream, sandwiched between two circular chocolate golden cookie pieces. In the end SG-1 were able to defeat the Ori-O by twisting them and then licking out their followers.

While SG-1 are relaxing in the newly created buffet room deep beneath the Chantelle Mountain complex, Stargate Command receive an incoming wormhole from a future Jack O'Neill. O'Neill has travelled back in time from his future to our past, and then from his past to our future (with a four hour layover in Atlantis) to warn SG-1 of a deadly plot by the Goa'uld System Lord Ba'al. Ba'al plans to travel back in time and use the Ark of the Covenant to brainwash everybody into loving Hitler and the Nazis. If Ba'al's plan succeeds then there would be no Stargate and therefore no SG-1, and as a result things that no longer exist will exist, because they never happened. It has something to do with relativity and paradoxes anyway. What more do you want from me I'm not a scientist!

A fat and ecstatic Richard Dean Anderson reacts to his recent appointment as spokesperson for Type 2 Diabetes.

Based on this new inteliCore ProcessorSamantha Carter agrees to scrap the buffet room for fear that SG-1 will end up as fat as Richard Dean Anderson did after he left the show, that Sanctuary is not a smart career move, and that everyone at Stargate Command was pleased to hear that the show (the one that isn't Star Trek Voyager) which hasn't been made yet got cancelled. After these revelations SG-1 is joined by Fat O'Neil (a.k.a. FatGyver) as they embark on a mission to travel back in time using nothing but a Stargate, a solar flare, a washing up liquid bottle, some paper clips, and sticky back plastic.

After passing through the wormhole SG-1 find themselves transported to Giza in Egypt during 1936 whereupon they receive a lettergram, sent by Carter three hours earlier, informing them that the Ark is located within the Well of Souls. The lettergram goes on to reveal that Ba'al and the Nazis are digging for the Well in Cairo using a replica head piece which is the incorrect size. Using this information Carter is able to correctly calculate the location of the Well of Souls and therefore the current location of Harrison Ford.

Upon arriving at the Well of Souls Teal'c is able to subdue Harrison Ford with a rock to the face, thus rendering him Edward J Olmos (his face was all fucked up). In order to preserve the time line in accordance with the historic documentary Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark, Teal'c dons Harrison's clothes and pretends to be the swashbuckling archaeologist. Originally Daniel Jackson was going to assume the identity of Harrison because he "knew lots about Egypt and junk", but as Teal'c correctly pointed out Jackson wasn't black enough to pull off a convincing Harrison.

After retrieving the Ark from the Well of Souls SG-1 board the Achilles, a paddle steamer bound for Giza, under civilian disguises. On board the paddle steamer Cameron Mitchell recognises the ships interior based on a photo of his grandparents that he's had since he was a child. Realising that he's his own grandfather (and armed with a 1080p full HD high-definition video camera) Mitchell sets about finding his grandmother so that he can: a) nail the bitch, b) conceive his own father as a result, and c) produce the kind of hard core fantasy porn the likes of which have not been seen since Hercules: The Legendary Orgies.

Teal'c P.I. He's black and he don't take no shit. Coming to CBS this fall. "Indeed".

The next morning the Achilles comes under attack from a party of Tusken Raiders and in the ensuing chaos Jackson loses a leg (that's what you get for refusing to film in Antarctica bitch!) and the Ark is stolen. Unable to go on Jackson agrees to return to the Stargate with Mitchell and that chick from Farscape (you know, the one that doesn’t really do anything) so they can contact Stargate Command and be all like "Carter and Teal'c are right behind us" and shit. At this point O'Neill had died from heat exhaustion.

Carter and Teal'c begin a pursuit of the Ark on foot through the desert and eventually catch up to the Tusken Raiders who appear to have been slaughtered by Ba'al's Nazi super soldiers. Meanwhile as Teal'c reminisces over the failed pilot of his blacksploitation detective series 'Teal'c P.I.' (bought on by a touch of Fedora nostalgia) Ba'al and his Nazi's are able to sneak up and take them from behind, then from the front, and then from behind again.

After Carter and Teal'c regain conciseness they discovered that Ba'al has gathered the Nazis and plans to demonstrate the Ark's awesome brainwashing power to Hitler. Hitler was more pissed off than usual that day because he recently left his Tamagotchi in the care of Heinrich Himmler, and subsequently it died (even though Himmler claims he "Fed it and junk"). Unfortunately during the demonstration Ba'al overestimated his ability to reprogram the Ark, and instead of brainwashing people into loving Hitler and the Nazis it resorted back to its original programming: convincing SyFy to cancel Stargate Atlantis and give Stargate Universe the green-light.

Fortunately by this time the earth ship Oedipus, having conveniently traveled back in time using an Ori-O Supergate, arrived within earths orbit and was able to beam Ba'al and the Ark into one of it's cargo holds. Unfortunately the cargo hold it beamed them too was also the same one used to store SyFy executives, and they were subsequently brainwashed.

With the earth saved and Raiders of the Lost Ark successfully plagiarised all that remained was for the Oedipus (named for that greek that banged his mother) to beam Teal'c and the fat decomposing remains of O'Neill onboard and head back to the future (or present) using the Supergate. Carter stayed behind because she remembered that she still needed to use the Stargate in Giza to travel back in time 24hrs prior, so she could send herself the lettergram SG-1 received which revealed to them the location of the Ark and the Well of Souls.

Back three days later in the present and the timeline has mostly been restored except O'Neill isn't dead because he never went back in time, Jackson didn't lose a leg because it never happened, and Teal'c's detective series 'Teal'c P.I.' has been commissioned for a second season. SG-1 also presided over Ba'al's extraction ceremony, which consisted of a penis shaped snake being forcibly removed from the hosts rectum. By all accounts the procedure is both terrifying and arousing.

Stargate: The Ark of Continuum was originally conceived as a joint project between series regular Robert C. Cooper and newcomer Quentin Tarantino. They were to produce two individual Stargate movies that would air back to back, and were to be bookended with a number of poorly conceived clichéd fictional trailers. Robert C. Cooper would later go on to adept one of these trailers into the successful TV series now known as Stargate Universe.

Tarantino said he was first drawn to the idea of the grindhouse double feature (as the concept is apparently known) since it reminded him of the childhood he never had, because he always stayed inside his house watching fucking b-movies when he should have been outside playing with his friends and praying to Jesus's for his love and forgiveness!

Unfortunately at this point their principle funder (the studio MGM) began to experience financial difficulties, which would not only threaten the completion of the project, but also delay the release of Stargate Atlantis on Blu-Ray for another 10’000 years. Cooper recollects this time fondly "to be honest when MGM told us they didn’t have enough funding for two separate movies I was quite pleased. Don’t get me wrong I wanted another Stargate movie, I just thought the grindhouse idea was a bit shit." He also added "the prostitution needed to raise the additional capital wasn’t that great either, although I did come away from the whole ordeal with a lovely pair of fishnet stockings."

With the planned grindhouse concept now in tatters Cooper was able to return to his original idea of ripping-off the Raiders of the Lost Ark plot, while Tarantino was left performing tarot card readings to raise additional funding. Cooper stated on his blog www.la.la.la.im.not.listening.org that he had always wanted to produce his own take the historic events that took place in Egypt during the Second World War, and that he felt the Steven Spielberg and George Lucas documentary ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ didn’t accurately portray these events. He also went on to say that he always had a desire to produce a episode of Stargate SG-1 that featured an alternative timeline in which the Nazis won the Second World War due to alien assistance, and that in his mind SG-1 could never truly be considered a science fiction TV show until it had done the obligatory Nazi Alien episode.

Since Cooper didn’t have that much experience with Nazis, not since that rally in Pittsburgh anyway, he decided the best course of action was to resurrect Hitler’s corps from the grave so that they could write the screenplay together. Cooper exploited Tarantino's connections with the occult as a means of acquiring the necessary voodoo incantations to perform the ritual, while Tarantino searched the nearby homeless shelters for a young runway virgin they could ritualistically sacrifice. The resurrection of Hitler proved to be more problematic than Cooper or Tarantino had anticipated. In return for his services rendered Zombie Hitler demanded the extermination of all Jews, but eventually they were able to haggle him down to a partial credit and a part in the film.

Joss Whedon originally built the Ark to brainwash Fox executives.

When the time came to begin casting Cooper was insistent that there was only one actor capable of playing the Harrison Ford role "When we began casting for the film there really wasn’t a lot of work involved since most of the actors were series regulars. However when it came to casting for the role of Harrison Ford there really was only one actor in my mind that was capable of fulfilling this role. Harrison Ford is an amazing actor, when he got up on that stage during the audition we just clicked, you know. It was almost like the part was written for him, and I really felt that he was the Harrison Ford character"

The origins of the Ark device featured in the movie were partially inspired by the director Joss Whedon and his uncanny ability to get crap made that nobody really wanted. On this topic Cooper had this to say "when I was trying to come up with a plausible reason for the creation of a device which brainwashes people into doing whatever it was programmed to make them do, my initial thoughts were of Joss Whedon. I mean how else would you explain Serenity or season 2 of Dollhouse. However when Whedon found out what we were doing he threatened to make a new Terminator movie, so we pulled it from the final cut. What’s that? He’s still making the movie? Son of a bitch!"

Upon its release Stargate: The Ark of Continuum received mostly positive reviews and went on to sell 600’000 units worldwide, which to date is 600’000 more than the combined season sales of Stargate Universe, and about 400’000 less than the number of times ships whore Chloe Armstrong got nailed on that show.

Uber critic and talking unicorn Roger Ebert expressed some reservations over the films pro Nazi themes, but overall his review was positive. He went on to say "Initially when I heard that Hitler was making a comeback I was more than concerned, as I’m sure most people were, however these concerns proved to be unfounded. Zombie Hitler gives the performance of his afterlife. A welcome return to form, and the comeback everybody’s been waiting for from the fuhrer."

Former Film 2000 presenter and critic Jonathan Ross was unavailable for comment on the film. Both he and Russell Brand were preoccupied mind fucking Andrew Sachs while stoning nuns, widows, and orphans.

Metacritic, the review website that soullessly reduces life and everything in it into a series of numbers based on statistical analysis, had this to say "10010101010000001100010000101010000000000100001010100000 catfish 10010010010101000000100001010100000000000000000100000010101000 erectile dysfunction 1010001000001000000101010 anus 1000000000100000001010101010000000100010001010101000000 ha ha ha 10000000000000010101010100001000010101 penetration 100001010101000001000000000001010101 7.6."