When I first got my driver's license, I decided to visit my sister in Rhode Island. I wanted to conquer my lifelong timidity, so I struck out in my minivan with three little kids . . . without a map.

Seven hours later, I found myself in Cape Cod.

I was literally about to drive into the ocean before I decided that it was time to stop and ask for directions. By that time, the sun had set, several of my kids had wet themselves, and I was so emotionally shattered that I locked the keys in the car when I stopped for gas. I had to leave the screaming children, dash to a miraculously nearby fire station, and beg the firemen to break into my car for me. The kids screamed harder. To this day, they flinch when they hear the name "Cape Cod," and they don't even know why.

Now, Cape Cod is a lovely place in itself -- but I didn't belong there. I had only gotten there because of pride and stubbornness, and it was disastrous for me to be there. I wasn't ready to make that trip to Rhode Island by myself (although I can handle it now!), and I certainly shouldn't have tried it without a map!

Why am I remembering this ugly chapter in my life today? Well, it's not easy for a good Catholic girl to admit this in public, but . . . I was Googling myself yesterday. Specifically, I was hunting for a particular piece I had written, and I stumbled across this letter to the editor:

In the lead quote of “In their own words”(In Focus, May 20), Simcha Fisher stated the following: “The Church does not demand that women bear as many children as possible.” On balance, her overall quote regarding the gift of motherhood is full of wisdom. She is also certainly correct that the Church does not require more than what the Divine Master demands of each of his followers. Nevertheless, shouldn’t we exhort women to love heroically? Indeed, heroic love seems to be of the very nature of authentic femininity. Don’t we marvel at stories of women who have defied the odds and born children out of total charity?

Just as we do not undercut the virtue of fraternal charity by telling people that “the Church does not demand that you love your neighbor as much as possible.” So also, let’s not undercut the virtue of generous parenthood by not holding it up as a virtue for which to strive. And generous parenthood fulfills not only the love of neighbor, but also the love of God, whom we are to love with all our heart, with all our soul and with all our mind.

Let’s encourage Catholic parents to be more generous in welcoming children. We truly need heroic mothers, much like Fisher — and generous fathers, too!

I understand what he's saying, and he's quite right: it would be wonderful to hear more exhortations to heroic love, and to hear priests and others encouraging Catholic parents to consider having large families. A large family is a wonderful thing, something I know I'm lucky to have.

But I have a quibble with the way he equates "generous parenthood" and "heroic love" with "many children," as if those with fewer children are necessarily less generous or loving. His letter reminded me very much of some comments I've been getting on an old post I wrote, "Why we're dropping out of home school." The commenters chastised me for discouraging parents who were going through normal struggles with home schooling (although, when a struggling person chooses to read a post titled "Why we're dropping out . . . " and then feels discouraged, the author is hardly to blame).

I wrote that post in part because I know there are ten million blogs and websites encouraging families of home schoolers, but very few, if any, meant to encourage people who have stopped home schooling. Now, you might say that there is very little need to encourage people to stop home schooling. Life itself performs that function: we get tired, frustrated, scared, lonely, bored, misunderstood, mocked, and occasionally thrown in jail for home schooling. So is there really any need for me to join this discouraging chorus?

Sure there is. Because for every mom who is having a terrible day with the kids, and who just needs to hear "Hang in there! It's so worth it! You can do this!" there is another mom who is having a terrible day of another kind -- that terrible day when you realize that things have to change. That you're not the person you thought you were. That God is asking something different from you. And what that mom needs to hear is, "You can do something different, and you will not die."

The world can tempt us to give up and stop trying when things get hard; but it can also tempt us to keep on trying and trying and trying and trying to do something that just isn't working -- and that's a temptation, too, and can be just as ruinous if you listen to it.

The same is true for the question of whether or not God is calling us to have a large family. Is it ever wrong to have a child? I don't know. But I do know this: for every ten women who hears the world saying, "Don't be stupid, don't be a freak -- just get your tubes tied and stop overpopulating the planet," there is one woman who really needs to hear just one person say, "There are lots of paths to holiness. Maybe your family won't be big, but it can still be holy. Or maybe you just need to catch your breath and take a little break before the next baby comes. It's okay. You can do that, and it doesn't mean you're lacking in love and generosity. It doesn't mean you're letting God down."

Is there a possibility that these reassuring messages will fall on the wrong ears? Absolutely. Will some people use this encouragement as an excuse to be lazy and selfish? Sure. These are the perils of the internet age. Pressing "publish" is like shooting buckshot: it goes every which way.

But the point is, there is nothing especially holy about pressing forward with something that just isn't working. There's nothing courageous about boldly striking out on the wrong path without a map. There's nothing courageous about getting all the way to Cape Cod, if you really needed to be in Rhode Island.

Comments

Sorry, one more thing: Spacing births. I don’t think anybody but a certifiable saint can have almost as many children as the years they have been married. If the eco-breastfeeding doesn’t work for modern woman, thank goodness for NFP, a combo of both, or NFP on its own.

Posted by anna lisa on Tuesday, Oct 9, 2012 10:53 AM (EST):

There are some *very* good reasons not to welcome a new soul into this world: cancer/disease therapy, real poverty, psychosis/mental break down, marriage teetering on the edge of dissoultion…
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Here’s the thing, having another child is almost *never* a good idea on paper, if one is to factor in birth through college expense, vulnerability to tragedy, or even just a really good nights rest. Pope B16 wrote something really beautiful about new families that are open to having big families: They are people of Hope. Yes, we are broken, yes we are fallen, but which of us can single out the child we *did* bring into this world under tenuous circumstances, and not find that their immortal soul, and the love that we bear for them, dwarfs the challenges we were beset with, when we welcomed him or her into the world?
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My husband learned to put the flow charts and graphs away. He was like Jacob, struggling with an angel. What we will never regret is a child at a difficult point in life. What we *do* regret, is when we just were not unselfish enough to welcome that “plus sign” on the stick—or even the “well springs” of life, at all. The more elite our life became, the greater our affinity became for elite wants and needs. We lost our simplicity. Thankfully this all changed when we reoriented ourselves with the help of divine grace.

Posted by Josh on Monday, Oct 8, 2012 11:20 PM (EST):

@Simcha, you had three kids when you got your license? Radically countercultural. I love it. Were you living in a city where a car was unnecessary?

Posted by Sam Schmitt on Monday, Oct 8, 2012 5:46 PM (EST):

Call me a donkey, but I see nothing wrong with encouraging a couple to have a large family. Vatican II does so (Gaudium et Spes #50): “Among the couples who fulfil their God-given task in this way, those merit special mention who with a gallant heart and with wise and common deliberation, undertake to bring up suitably even a relatively large family.”
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Are the Council fathers saying that those who do not undertake to bring up a large family don’t have a gallant heart or are not wise? Humanae Vitae echoes this: “responsible parenthood is exercised by those who prudently and generously decide to have more children, and by those who, for serious reasons and with due respect to moral precepts, decide not to have additional children for either a certain or an indefinite period of time.” One can’t conclude from this that Paul VI thinks that only those who have more children are being prudent and generous.
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It seems that by Simcha’s logic we shouldn’t hold up any choice as generous (the priesthood, for example), since those who don’t choose it will feel like they weren’t being generous.
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To take a similar example, it’s true that since the Church holds that celibacy is a higher calling than the married state, some might feel that choosing marriage somehow implies less generosity on their part. The solution here is not to say that celibacy is NOT a higher calling (which it is), but to stress that what is important for the individual making the decision is God’s will for them (which Simcha does), but at the same time denying (at least implying) the objectively higher status of celibacy.
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Vatican II and Paul VI do not single out couples who choose to have a small family, even though this may be God’s will for a given couple. In an age where there is tremendous pressure to limit one’s family size without a good reason, those who choose to have a larger family are indeed “worthy of special mention.”

Posted by WSquared on Saturday, Oct 6, 2012 4:47 PM (EST):

I do want to say some further things about selfishness, “be fruitful and multiply,” and NFP. I apologize in advance for the length.

I’m going to start with the Pope’s own family as a good example: there are only three Ratzinger children, and that family was poor. But the Holy Father’s parents were people with a simple piety, who were also very resourceful (the Pope recounts how his mom made stuffed animals, which he still has, and how she could make lovely meals out of next to nothing and grew her own vegetables). Neither Joseph, nor Georg, nor Maria ever married. And yet, it’s not that they weren’t fruitful and didn’t multiply. I don’t know much about Maria, who I do know looked after her younger brother until her death, but in the example of Joseph Ratzinger himself, look at all the books he’s written and all of the theological students he’s taught. Look at all of the children and adults the Pope and his brother Georg have catechized and ministered the sacraments. The Pope also gives the example, in one of his interviews with German journalist Peter Seewald, of a priest who, despite being almost inaudible, not a great homilist, and a terrible singer (the Latin Mass of those days and now is always chanted). Nonetheless his parishioners loved him because of his devotion. Being fruitful and multiplying is closely connected to individual witness in the service of something bigger than one’s self. And that something—or Someone—rather, calls everyone to Him differently. So I’m not sure that being fruitful and multiplying is as such easily linked to materiality as in head count, and thus how many children you have. Why are we therefore interpreting this like Biblical fundamentalists when we should be looking more closely at our own priests to see that its meaning is a little more nuanced and less simplistic? (...or do we also privately think, along with the secular culture, that “those celibate guys don’t know anything?” I really do think that all of this presents a wonderful opportunity not just to pray for our priests, but to learn more about their vocations, and take its ontological meaning and their example to heart).

Melinda Selmys, writing that true Christians must be themselves, gives examples how, say, a woman or a priest who discard their gifts in the attempt to conform to a superficial stereotype of a good wife and mother or a good pastor will ultimately stymie the effectiveness of their witness. Those gifts, whatever they are, are indeed part of how God will use you, and part of how He loves us into being. So I do think that being a wife and mother and being “open to life” is fundamentally about choosing for Christ wherever a woman is called—whether it be in the conventional workplace, the home, or both.

What the non-negotiables of the Catholic faith make possible is that relationship with Him, and makes possible life through Him, with Him, and in Him. G.K. Chesterton in Orthodoxy writes that the Cross is the only symbol that can extend itself in all directions without losing its essential shape; it necessarily breaks out, and to think with the Cross is to think outside of the box. This is broad and deep enough to encompass anyone who does take seriously “deny thyself, pick up thy Cross and follow Me!” especially when we should know that not all gifts and temptations toward particular root sins are distributed equally. And yet, “My grace is sufficient for you.” How someone is favored with that grace isn’t easily seen with the naked eye, and I do wonder if this is something we also have to unlearn from our culture’s Protestant roots. Another idea we have to learn that comes up regularly on these pages is that right worship and prayer involves listening to God, not just praise and supplication. We obey the complete Word of God, which is not reducible to “the Bible.” Again, NFP makes this breadth and depth possible on an entry level, because it creates the necessary inroad for the Sacramental Life to work. What happens thereafter is ultimately up to God.

Simcha Fisher has earlier brought up the point that someone can be having a large family out of their own selfishness: such as the person who can’t control themselves and feels entitled not to (this is NOT how all big families arise, but it can and does happen, too). That kind of selfishness can destroy a marriage, as can the contracepting kind. So perhaps one very real reason why God might say “yes, but wait; not yet” is that to His way of seeing things, something else has to happen first: whatever it is being far better for your soul from His point of view. Having both small families and big families can, like everything else, get wrapped up in the ego, and therefore be selfish (about one of the most off-putting comments I ever read was courtesy of this one fellow who took sex being primarily for procreation to imply that every man with less than ten kids is by default a “sissy”). Being human, it’s possible to get ahead of ourselves when “doing things for God,” wherein if we don’t offer it up or don’t listen to Him, He then has to put on the brakes to draw us back to Him. I do wonder if in all of our talk about family size, we also tend to forget that our salvation is indeed involved. I wonder if everyone trying to show that they’re “right” somehow misses the point: the CHURCH is right.

All in all, we can’t figure out the balance of our salvation by ourselves, because with our own efforts, the center will not hold. Hence why the Cross can handle paradox, and is big enough for all of us. Maybe a crucial part of discernment and prayer IS offering up everything all of the time, and not just when things are awful. For me, it has meant slowly going from trying to do the “right” things for God, whereby I do catch myself out being unnecessarily anxious and making even the gift of Confession self-centered (“good grief, Lord, am I more sorry for having offended You, or am I just scared of going to Hell?”). All I know is that I have a lot on my plate, and however it all will aid in my salvation and glorifying the Lord with my life, I stink when I try to manage it all on my own, so I can’t do it without Him. Only He knows what it’ll look like. I only see through a glass darkly while catching glimpses of light as things unfold.

Posted by Miss Doyle on Saturday, Oct 6, 2012 6:55 AM (EST):

What’s generosity?
It can be as “small” as smiling at that naughtiest of kids instead of whacking him around the ear with a wooden spoon!
It can be as “small” as correcting with a quiet voice and not yelling.
It can be as “small” as being patient while yet again asking your daughter to put away her shoes for the one-trillienth time.
All this, and might *only* have one kid.
For fathers, being generous might mean (if financially possible) to work from home one day a week, or work 5 days in 4 to support your wives at home. You might want to be at work, but your wife might need that extra pair of hands now and then.

Everyone, whether married or not is called to be generous. For me, as a single woman atm, I’m trying to help as much as I can with a friend who is expecting twins and has just moved to my area. Her husband is FREAKING out!!!

Btw, we were a very unconventional family whose circumstances have only just made me realise that God has a unique plan for every single one of us. There is no carbon copy cut out for people - at all!
My parents were married for 8 years before I came along and had another 2 children. In our homeschooling group we were the smallest. Mum was more senior in her job so Dad schooled us. He was the only Dad in the group and I did get the sense from an early age that people did wonder why there were *only* three and why Mum wasn’t around during the day. I must have been in my early teens when I sensed this type of judgement.

Maybe it’s more beneficial for people to stop measuring themselves by other people’s standards, or what you perceive should be the way to go.
It’s not helpful and it’s a Catholic equivalent to keeping up with the Jones’s.
It’s not good!

Posted by TeaPot562 on Friday, Oct 5, 2012 2:57 PM (EST):

Simcha, you have a gift for selecting interesting ways to touch the hearts of your readers. Thank you!
TeaPot562

Posted by anna lisa on Friday, Oct 5, 2012 1:15 PM (EST):

Eileen, my oldest is dyslexic and can’t spell to save his life, but has a brilliant mind, and is a great reader/writer. I used to torture that poor kid with spelling drills, until someone told me that her dyslexic son who was a writer for Time magazine couldn’t spell either, and simply wasn’t capable of ever being a good speller…I don’t drill any of my kids anymore. I’ll go over it a bit in grades 2-6, but that’s it. I don’t worry about this skill too much.

Posted by anna lisa on Friday, Oct 5, 2012 1:09 PM (EST):

@Eileen, my daughter’s godmother—mother of 6 who MOVED AWAY arrgh! :( gave me the lowdown on extracurriculars years ago. This was one of the best pieces of advice anyone ever gave me, when I was in the dumb-new-mother stage. Luckily where we live now there is a lot of open space for me to just say, “Shoo! Done with your homework? Go play with your boomerang—and take your little brother with you! Teach him how! He’ll be fine!” (Hope he ducks in time)...

Posted by Eileen on Friday, Oct 5, 2012 12:58 PM (EST):

Oh Anna Lisa, I know what you mean about the good motherhood bar being raised high these days. Today I sent my second grader to school knowing full well he’ll probably only get 5 out of 15 words correct on his spelling test. That’s what happens when he doesn’t study spelling, but this week, to save my sanity, I just felt his sports needed to take precedence over school. I could drop a few of my kids out of all their activities, but I definitely shouldn’t do it for all of them. And then that would mean the ones I decided to drop out would certainly feel unjustly and arbitrarily picked upon and so to prevent my family from falling into the resentment abyss, I let them all pursue their favorite extracurriculars.

Posted by anna lisa on Friday, Oct 5, 2012 12:56 PM (EST):

I understand what Carmen meant,and agree with the rest of her points, but it wouldn’t exactly be a good time for my friend Suzanne, (wonderful family! mother of seven…pls pray!!)who is having radiation for brain cancer this week.

Posted by Carmen on Friday, Oct 5, 2012 12:48 PM (EST):

GeekLady, why the straw man arguments? I never spouted “platitudes” on family size, nor did I try. Perhaps you should take a closer look at what I was really saying before twisting my words to suite your fallacious arguments, which, by the way, said nothing.

Posted by anna lisa on Friday, Oct 5, 2012 12:38 PM (EST):

BTW Eileen, For the last two years we have taken a break from all of the sports, dance (music never really got off the ground) art etc. other than what is offered at school. I’m not exactly giving a plug for *this* approach, but I haven’t had a single close to “burn-out” day in coincidentally, about two years! We even stopped going to the martial arts dojo for a while where we have a big tuition credit. My kids have been walking, biking, skateboarding, going to the beach, playing ping pong, skunk hunting, (yes, this also showed up on the home association police blotter…)
We’ll be sure to get back on track soon, but good Lord, sometimes the bar being raised on what it takes to be a good mother, (and the $ this takes) can get awful.

Posted by GeekLady on Friday, Oct 5, 2012 12:29 PM (EST):

Carmen

1) I don’t quite understand your comment. The letter referenced has the format of “Simcha’s right about the Church not demanding women bear as many children as possible, BUT we ought to encourage women to love heroically and generously.” By juxtaposing these two statements with a but, he places not bearing loads of children in opposition to heroic, generous love in parenthood. That’s dead wrong.

2) God ultimately decides when to give… and He also decides when to take away. Consider that the next time you want to spout platitudes about family size.

3) There is a time when it’s wrong to try and have a baby. That time is when you’re using a baby as a thing, instead of welcoming the baby as a person. Babies aren’t marital therapy, or fashion accesories, or pets.

Posted by anna lisa on Friday, Oct 5, 2012 12:26 PM (EST):

Eileen, yes, I have often taken note of the generous women who volunteer a lot at our schools. I can remember endless school plays, teacher conferences or school parties where I was chasing a toddler, trying to quiet an infant or apologizing because my kid just stole a gogurt from someone’s desk, and it has just squirted two feet in the air! Having a largely unplanned big family has *never* been an opportunity for smugness on my side of things. I’ve met a few people that kind of wear “big family” like a badge, but that was years ago, and I would rather not hang out with those that make # of kids some kind of litmus test. For me, it’s been more of an exercise of humility, cause of compulsive apology, and actual embarrassment. I have seen the looks on people’s faces when I was sporting a big belly again. I did need some attitude “tweaking” though. But it was more in terms of thinking that I was somehow doing God a favor by being “open” to life. A couple of tragedies certainly helped me get that one straight.

Posted by Eileen on Friday, Oct 5, 2012 12:10 PM (EST):

For the last two years we have been seriously considering adding another child to our family via adoption. (Quick adoption plug - if you are open to any race and some drug exposure, you can probably have an infant in your arms in less than a year at a cost likely under 20k). But then the schoolyear began and all heck broke loose and I thought I was going to lose my marbles or have a stroke. I wasn’t being fruitful so we needed to put thoughts of multiplying on the back burner for a few more months at least.
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Anna Lisa - there are many families in our parish with four children, but that does seem to be the cutoff. While there are families with 7 or 8 or more kids, they are the exception. We live in a lovely first ring suburban Philadelphia parish. We are walkable to public and Catholic schools, parks, church, library, post office, and a few stores.
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A few days ago I was somewhat surprised to discover that many of the families in our parish school with three children came about through NFP. (Long story how it came up). Some of these families are extremely generous in terms of time and money. Anyway, to loop back around to Simcha’s Cape Cod story, there are many ways to live the marriage covenant generously that don’t involve parenting a lot of children. And so many of us larger families rely on those generous smaller families in so many ways - for rides, for clothes, for coaching our kids’ teams, etc. I don’t think we large families are entitled to judge any family as being less generous in spirit simply because they’re smaller, nor do I think we get to congratulate ourselves simply because we’re larger.

Posted by anna lisa on Friday, Oct 5, 2012 11:56 AM (EST):

oops, I mean, bubble HERE.
Oh, and one more thing about the map analogy…I AM all for maps, and LOVE GPS, but if God had shown me my map, I would have fainted and probably would have needed a prescription.
God: ...“Let’s see… you’re going to be walking from upper Siberia to the straights of Gibraltar in the next 26 years…”
Me:...(putting down my magazine next to the chaise lounge and laughing)...“Clearly, you have me mixed up with another girl!”

Posted by OhioCatholic on Friday, Oct 5, 2012 11:53 AM (EST):

I love the comments about Jesus being the only child. Well said. Of course, his Mother was a virgin her whole life. Good for you married couples still living celebate lives!

In all seriousness, Larger families are a blessing. Smaller families are a blessing. God gives us blessings and grace whenever we ask (sometimes they are not the ones we asked for!).

Posted by Carmen on Friday, Oct 5, 2012 11:52 AM (EST):

To Simcha and to all the commentators who want to wring the neck of the author of the letter Simcha quoted: Relax. It did not read as him equating a lack of generosity with less children. In fact, when taken in context of the state of affairs of our nation, with birth rates down and most women - many Catholics - using contraception, his post could be interpreted to mean to open ourselves to life. He reinforces Simcha’s statement that the Church doesn’t require us to have a bushel of kids. However, most married women are not open to life the way God intends. Children are meant to be the fruit of married love, though not necessary to make a marriage holy. Married couples should pray and discern God’s Will for them, and many who do this will have large families, and many will not. Many who want children will have none, and many who are unsure about having kids will find themselves having more than they thought. Generosity in this case means the OPENNESS to share that life. God will ultimately decide if He will GIVE that life.
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To those women who cried when reading that quote: if you have kept yourself open to life, you are generous, even if you have “only” one or two child(ren).
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And Simcha: it’s NEVER wrong to have a baby, especially if you’re already pregnant.

Posted by anna lisa on Friday, Oct 5, 2012 11:48 AM (EST):

Fascinating subject. Thank you for giving me hope that such places exist. I guess you could say that my husband and I are “hybrids” from the get-go, he being from South America, and me from coastal CA. I’ve never even been to other parts of this country, though I’ve visited other parts of the world about a dozen times. I loved meeting the really, really nice Catholic kids that went to U.D. with my sons. I was so impressed! Obviously there are some really great parents doing a great job out there raising beautiful Catholic children. I do have to laugh about the fact that some of those nice kids were in various stages of rebellion. One really feisty girl would say things like: I’m NEVER getting married! I’m NEVER having children!—It turns out she was from a big,really strict family, home schooled etc. She was a funny little spitfire. The other (huge! nice kid that I really liked was dealing pot at school to make extra money. So I realize that human nature is human nature everywhere, but I’m sure the kids that rebel still end up really embracing the wholesomeness they were surrounded with (if it was wholesome!) and after the world beats them up a bit.
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@Mike, my husband’s brother lives in one of those suburbs of D.C., I’m going to bust out of the bubble there and take them up on a ten year invitation we’ve neglected. Thanks for the nudge.

Posted by Jessica on Friday, Oct 5, 2012 11:20 AM (EST):

Simcha, I swear you are in my head some days…

Posted by Renae on Friday, Oct 5, 2012 10:49 AM (EST):

Yes,I loved visiting Cap Cod on purpose….
But that has me thinking, I can see how you can end up in the wrong place. How anyone even knows where they’re going out there is beyond me!
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I’m from the great plains - and have grown weary of people saying, “Oh, I drove through Nebraska. How boring. What a whole lot of nothing.”
I never understood that until I FINALLY visited the east coast - where quite frankly, there is less to see because all you see are TREES! There’s no scenery, just trees trees trees. You wouldn’t even know if you crossed a river - how can you know what state you are in?!?!?!?
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At least here we can see where we’re going!!!
Not being able so see what is 1 mile, 5 miles, 20 miles ahead of you just makes me claustrophobic. I never experienced claustrophobia in my life until I drove from New Jersey to Cape Cod!!!
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Back to your message though - this makes me wonder if, according to your analogy, I’m supposed to be in Cape Cod, or Rhode Island.
I am driving on the road to find my husband and have marriage. I stop and get gas, and have breaks often… but I’ll be damned if I’m going to quite driving that direction.
But maybe God expects me to be a spinster. Maybe I’m supposed to be in Cape Cod.

Come to Arlington Diocese in Virginia! We’ve got the full range of rural small towns to ridiculously wealthy DC suburbs, but through all of it there are many wonderful parishes that strongly promote the orthodox teachings of the Church and the Culture of Life. “
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Very true.And Christendom College is a great resource there, too.

Posted by bill bannon on Friday, Oct 5, 2012 7:36 AM (EST):

Cape Cod is so unique aesthetically and wonderful if you go there on purpose…then Newport R.I. is beautiful in an entirely different way.
On large families, it’s partly also Western civilization that makes them safer and plausible. Women in the Sudan and related places have been watching their children die of famine for several years. I think that is why the Vatican, which must consider all situations, speaks less of these things than U.S. Catholic blogs.

Posted by waywardson on Friday, Oct 5, 2012 6:08 AM (EST):

WSquared: Excellent post! Sadly, we’ve run into some of those judgmental people.

NFP is so contrary to selfishness that I don’t think a couple (of normal fertility) can use it to avoid pregnancy for selfish reasons—at least not for very long. And if a couple can do this, then this selfishness is going to cause problems throughout their marriage and their life. They may be avoiding pregnancy through a “sexless marriage” and not NFP.

In fact, one of the common complaints of NFP promoters is that the culture doesn’t believe that NFP works to prevent pregnancy because NFP users have so many children! Even if they were all expected.

I would also add that ANY step toward NFP can change hearts, even if the couple is not fully following Church teaching. Christ does meet people halfway. What the Church is most concerned about is when couples make contraception a lifestyle choice, such as what is required for the Pill and other long term contraceptives, and that the choice they make is that they will harm their own bodies in their effort to avoid conception. The simple act of respecting each other’s bodies and changing the couple’s sexual behavior out of this respect is a significant moral step and should not be underestimated.

Posted by waywardson on Friday, Oct 5, 2012 5:51 AM (EST):

I’ve run into the priest who wrote the letter before. From some of what he has written, I believe he crosses the line out of orthodoxy and into ultratraditionalism. He thinks that sex that is naturally infertile is somehow “inferior” to sex intended for conception, which is NOT what the Church teaches. He also thinks that NFP is merely “tolerated” and is not virtuous in itself, which is different from what the Catechism teaches and the last two Popes’ clear writings on the subject.

In other words, don’t overly worry about your critics.

As for having more children or not having more children, I would go with Humanae Vitae over any individual priest’s opinion:

“With regard to physical, economic, psychological and social conditions, responsible parenthood is exercised by those who prudently and generously decide to have more children, and by those who, for serious reasons and with due respect to moral precepts, decide not to have additional children for either a certain or an indefinite period of time.”

Posted by MikeCGannon on Friday, Oct 5, 2012 12:46 AM (EST):

anna lisa,

Come to Arlington Diocese in Virginia! We’ve got the full range of rural small towns to ridiculously wealthy DC suburbs, but through all of it there are many wonderful parishes that strongly promote the orthodox teachings of the Church and the Culture of Life. It is not in the least bit usual to see families with 5, 8, or 10+ children at Mass. Not to sound like a diocesan promoter, but I really love my diocese and both the parishes where I regularly attend Mass. I pray that when I’ve finished my education I can find a job that keeps me here.

Simcha…wow. God has given you a tremendous gift for writing. Every column is so spiritually enriching. Thank you for allowing the Holy Spirit to work through you in your apostolate here. :-)

My two cents: I’m a young single man in my mid-20s, working on completing my education, and I’ve been wrestling with this issue lately. According to MY plan for my life, I was SUPPOSED to be already married to some lovely young Catholic woman of whom I would be totally unworthy, and we would already be off to a good start a whole bushel of children. Of course, God’s plans were quite different, and rightly so! I am immensely grateful for all the wonderful blessings He has showered upon me, especially in this past year, and I relish the fact that, at this point in my life, God seems to be saying to me, “Wait. Don’t be anxious. For now, I want you all to myself. Enjoy this time we have together, and trust that I will reveal My plan to make you immeasurably happy in the fullness of time”. Still, I do catch myself fretting, “Oh no, what if by the time that happens, assuming it does, it’s too late to have more than a few children?!” I know that probably seems like an atypical worry for a young man to have. It takes definite effort to step back and pray, “Lord, not as I will, but as You will,” but the effort is worth it. As much as I love the idea of heading up a large family, and as much the sight of parents and children, especially at Mass, gladdens my heart, I strive to love Christ more and to live for Him alone. I know that whatever vocation God calls me to, be it to the married or the single life, it will be tailor made by Him for me. As Father Jean-Baptiste Saint-Jure, S.J. writes in “Trustful Surrender to Divine Providence”, “A glove is not more fitted to the hand or a sword to the scabbard than what He does and ordains in us and for us is suited to our strength and capabilities, so that everything may serve to our advantage and perfection if we but cooperate with the designs of His providence.”

Posted by bt on Thursday, Oct 4, 2012 11:23 PM (EST):

I think you are being a bit too hard on yourself and your Cape Cod misadventure. If I lived on the East Coast I would want to visit Cape Cod, because it seems like an interesting place geographically to go to, not to mention the fact that I like the old Patti Page song of the same name. Hopefully you get a chance to revisit the place and enjoy it more.

Posted by Lisa on Thursday, Oct 4, 2012 7:20 PM (EST):

Hahaha! I did the same thing….almost. I was trying to get to Lowell, but ended up in Taunton! My husband still makes fun of me for it. My baby was with my husband and I was alone thank goodness! I can’t imagine the stress you had with the little ones in the car!

Posted by Erin Manning on Thursday, Oct 4, 2012 7:08 PM (EST):

GeekLady, just wanted to respond to your comment from 8:16a.m.: Don’t be too discouraged! There are two kinds of priests who get too zealous in encouraging big families: orthodox ones who come from small families and thus have no idea what life is like in a big one (especially after a few years in the priesthood), and orthodox ones who come from big families, put up with those families being sneered at in popular culture and daily life, and just want to remind people that the Church doesn’t think of big families the way the world does. They’re both usually orthodox, though! So the first should be invited over for dinner as often as possible by families big and small so they can encounter family life or be reminded of it (one priest I knew once said in a homily that he admired parents just for being able to think straight with all the NOISE!), and the second should be encouraged to have a chat with his mother ASAP about heroic virtue in the face of a really serious reason to postpone pregnancy. :)

(And I write this as a Catholic mom with a small family by the grace and blessing of God’s will!)

Posted by TeaPot562 on Thursday, Oct 4, 2012 6:54 PM (EST):

My BW & I live in California. In late July, we went to visit my sister who lives in Westerly, RI on a double occasion: her 70th birthday, and marriage of her daughter.
The southern edge of RI is a mix of capes and inlets. We went to rehearsal dinner, at a restaurant with an address on the “old highway”. The “new highway” (probably paved in the 1950s) was fairly straight, but curved segments of the old highway still exist. We spent nearly a half-hour wandering in circles before finding the restaurant, even with a mobile phone AND a GPS.
Don’t underestimate the difficulty of finding some building that the natives say “You can’t miss! Just follow the highway about a mile, then turn . . .”
Some marriages are similar. You work to find a destination, only to discover that patches of the new highway are obstructing you. Husband and wife need to pray together on this, praying for acceptance if obstacles to their hopes appear insurmountable.
TeaPot562

Posted by Michelle on Thursday, Oct 4, 2012 5:50 PM (EST):

So true! Great post. This is very common amongst homeschoolers. We lock ourselves into the “right” way of doing things and any deviation from that path deserves everlasting damnation. One thing that has helped me with homeschooling is to remember that I can and should delegate. Homeschooling does not demand that we teach every subject ourselves. It took me a couple of years to be comfortable with that. I am so glad I delegate now…and I’m still alive! I still handle the basic subjects but I allow private and small group instruction for most of the extras. I am so much happier.

Posted by anna lisa on Thursday, Oct 4, 2012 4:58 PM (EST):

Wow, the internet still amazes me…I didn’t really have the time of day for it before, until I figured out that I can be sitting here at my table, cooking dinner, and asking all of you, who so kindly answered, about what your Catholic communities are like. There you are, thousands of miles away, in the heart of your own homes and we can exchange our ideas and insights in the blink of an eye…
I loved my old home town in so many ways. It was a bedroom community 20 mins from the financial district in SF, surrounded by redwoods and creeks. The Catholic Church was in the center of downtown, the downtown had a square with theater, cafes and gathering spots all around. The public schools, primary, middle, and H.S. could all we walked to and were all “10"s. But secular. So, so secular. (Obama was going to save everything). If I let on 10% of what I believe (even to the Catholics!)or talk about what we discuss here, they’d think our ideas were from the dark ages. I only had one rude mother actually snap about getting me some b.c. pills, but most of them just thought that we must be out of our minds to have so many kids. A good priest friend who also lived there told me I must be crazy to ever want to raise Catholic children there, to which I weakly responded: “Not even to be an example of Catholicism…?” (Sigh) I’m still going to rent a house there for Thanksgiving.
If you have good Catholic communities that you love, and are happy with, you are SO BLESSED!
...The heart never rests until it rests in God…”

Posted by Tomas on Thursday, Oct 4, 2012 4:38 PM (EST):

Thank you Simcha for this post. You say many things that need to be said but aren’t. Too often I think there’s a subtext to what the Church and people say outwardly. The messages seem to go like

“Be open to having however many children God sees fit to put in your marriage (by the way God always want a large number of children)”

“It’s important to judiciously and prayerfully plan the size of your family (but it must always be large)”

“Don’t judge anyone for the size of their family (but really, if they have two why don’t they have 3? If 3 why not 4?)”

“People are different, marriages are different, circumstances are different, Gods’ plan for each one of us is different: and all these factor into how large a family one has (but hey, I have 5 kids and if I do others should and can too. What’s wrong with them?)

“Large families have their own joys and challenges as do small families. (But we celebrate large boisterous families and they are the ideal)”

Don’t forget Jesus was an only child.

Posted by Natalie on Thursday, Oct 4, 2012 4:29 PM (EST):

I will also say too, our parish isn’t perfect by any means (what parish community is?). We actually recently got assigned a new parish priest and since some feel he isn’t as much of a people person as our former pastor, a bunch of families have left. Which is so disheartening because he is very outspoken about current issues facing the Church and I think it makes some people feel uncomfortable. I for one love his frankness and courage to speak the Truth. I wish more priests would do that, especially here in liberal New England!

Posted by Natalie on Thursday, Oct 4, 2012 4:22 PM (EST):

Anna Lisa - Thanks for your prayers! :)

I actually live in New England in a somewhat large city with multiple parishes. Our particular parish has attracted many Catholic families (and many large ones) from within a 50 mile radius. I’m not kidding when I say I know many families that travel up to an hour just to attend Mass here. It’s a great support for all of these families looking to have their kids surrounded by other families like theirs. Mass is just awesome - almost every week there is a baptism (during Mass!). It is also an instant kid party when just a few of these families get together for a BBQ or birthday party. My husband always jokes that we bring the average down just by showing up with our one kid! ;) But even just having the support of other couples who share our beliefs, moms whom I can chat about NFP stuff without getting weird looks or talk schooling choices with moms who send their kids to public, private, Catholic schools (and homeschool) in the area. I know, in some ways it is sad that so many of us don’t attend our true home parish - however I’ll admit to selfishly loving having this community to raise my children in. And it seems more and more in the secular culture we live in (and I feel that it also has crept in the Church as well, at least here in NE) the more important it is to find support networks that affirm family life. Online communities are great for that too but nothing replaces community in real life. The few times we’ve attended Mass at our ‘home’ parish I’ve never seen a family with more than two kids. And who knows the reason for that, but you have to admit, it’s kind of creepy.

Not to make you more jealous. I wish you could come live in our city and attend our parish. You would fit right in.

Posted by elbereth32 on Thursday, Oct 4, 2012 4:20 PM (EST):

anna lisa,
I live in the heart of Cajun country in southern Louisiana. People are people and here is no different. You are going to run across those that aren’t much fun to be around. But for the most part, the area is still strongly Catholic (or at least Christian) and it shows in our businesses and schools. It seems to be a middle of the road kind, so to speak. No one walks around thinking the world is coming to an end, but those who are advocating turning church teaching on its head are not really listened to. In part, I think this is because of our priests. We have AWESOME priests! Pick a church, almost any church (you kinda trip over them down here) and you will almost always have a good Mass. I read stuff online about different dioceses around the country and can’t really relate because we don’t see that here. As far as families go, four to five seems to be the “norm” and no one blinks a eye. The ones that are much larger (like Simcha) will get a double take, but are unlikely to hear unkind comments. At least, that’s what the moms say (I have four, so I don’t see this personally) If you want to homeschool, send them to private OR public, great! We kinda take the stance of do what works for you and don’t worry about what your neighbors are doing. Now, I will be the first to say that ours schools aren’t the greatest academically, but if you are an involved parent there is no reason your child should not do well. I homeschool, but that’s my choice right now. Anywho, that’s my spiel for home lol! It’s not perfect, but then no place is. We don’t have an abundance of cultural centers (outside of cajun culture), parks, or places were you can just walk around with kids. We are more of a car culture. There’s not a ton of places to go for entertainment outside of a narrow spectrum. But I love it here and there’s no way I will voluntarily live anywhere else :D

Posted by anna lisa on Thursday, Oct 4, 2012 4:03 PM (EST):

@Kathleen, :) I have always wondered about the South. My French relatives are from New Orleans. My parents visited the Cathedral where my grandmother was baptized there, and were surprised to see that the Bishop who founded the cathedral bears my *husband’s* name. I have my granmother’s mother’s missal which is in French. When I found all of the little prayer cards with such beautiful, timeless devotions, I realized the debt of gratitude that is owed to my fore bearers.
Anyhow, it *does* get exhausting living in such a secular place(s) that I can hardly fathom how some of the women in the com boxes feel judged about having small families. This mentality and some of the clothing manias just don’t exist (anymore) in either of the places I’ve raised my children. It does sober me when I consider that my daughter’s first *christian* friend, is her boyfriend. She has never had a Catholic friend at all! What I wish I could know is that if there is such a place that can actually *strike the right balance* of the “timeless” with the “here and now”.

I have a question for the people reading here. I was slightly jealous of Natalie’s comment about all of the big families in her parish. The big families that I know have moved away from my town because it’s too expensive to live here. Mary says Rhode Island is Catholic but…Is there actually a *community* in this country that has big families, can tolerate what is good about public education, and even secular society/culture, that is faithful to the teachings of the church (without living in daily fear and anticipation of the “three days of darkness?”—sorry for the snark, but you know what I mean, right?) Is there such a place? I always wonder about this…My town is beautiful but nobody can comprehend having a big family anymore. I feel like a unicorn here.

Posted by Annie on Thursday, Oct 4, 2012 3:20 PM (EST):

Nice piece, and very timely, too. When I heard of a woman from church who just had her 5th child under the age of 7, I had feared I was being selfish by not getting pregnant again yet, even though my children are small, one has special needs, and my husband is frequently gone due to his military career. Some great points in the comments, too…I’ve wondered too about what “anon” said, regarding whether it’s possible to use a spouse simply to have another child, when really the marriage needs some tending and the sacrifice is actually to not have a child.

As an aside, the homeschooling piece comments got out of hand for both the readers and the author. Time to move on.

Posted by WSquared on Thursday, Oct 4, 2012 3:08 PM (EST):

Thank you for this, Simcha. Because I’m just newly married, and I’ve done my fair share of beating myself up, too, regarding NFP and being open to life. It’s something that I offer up to the Lord daily, and what has been freeing is knowing that it’s ultimately not up to me whether we’ll have any children at all, or how big a family we’ll have, even though I do agree wholeheartedly that big families are a blessing while all families of whatever size are called to holiness. I have to be prudent and patient, therefore, while not using either of those things as an excuse to be stingy (hence a need for an examination of conscience and regular Confession). I think one of the commenters at Priest Wife’s blog on the topic of how family size is not indicative of a contraceptive mentality, once pointed out that we always imagine that being open to life means that God will always send us more children, and we all like to quote “trust in God means trust in His timing,” but we never imagine that “trust in His timing” can amount to His telling us, “yes, but wait; not yet.” Ultimately, whatever He gives us will be instrumental for our salvation, which will not be the same for everyone. Not everyone is at the same stage on the way to conversion, either. It seems that a crucial part of being open to life is to put God first; it’s letting Him have a say. All I can say is thank God for the St. Ignatius prayer: “Take, Lord, and receive all my liberty, my memory, my understanding, and my entire will, all that I have and possess…”

It can be quite confusing, coming out of having been on contraception, and knowing that there’s a lot there inside you that has to be turned over to the Lord for healing and reorientation towards Him… only to (on top of all that) sometimes feel pressured or even driven to tears, anger, or despair by some with big families who think that having a lot of children sets the gold standard for holiness and the only way to “be fruitful and multiply,” whereby you get treated to “contraceptive mentality” this and “contraceptive mentality” that, while at the same time worrying that you’re not being generous enough, even though you have in fact read “Humanae Vitae” and are on board with it. It’s why I am comforted by the examples of our priests, who, while being celibate in the Latin Rite are called in their particular way to “be fruitful and multiply,” too, though it won’t involve a wife and having children of their own (I think it’s seeing the celibate priest whose vocation points beyond himself to the love that we’ll have with God in Heaven has been a blessing to me at times like these). I wholeheartedly agree that people who make stupid “that’s too many!” comments about other people’s big families are being rude. And it’s just as rude for someone with a big family to comment on somebody’s smaller family or lack of children while suggesting that they must be on the pill or that they must be abusing NFP. I sometimes wonder if that sort of thing is another side effect of the contraceptive mentality in our culture, wherein there can seem like there’s no room for anyone in between. ...as if believing in Christ, Body, Blood, Soul, and Divinity isn’t counter-cultural enough.

From my experience with NFP, I have seen it work in the heart: I was scared when I first started to use it, but am not any longer. Furthermore, not using contraceptives, which is always gravely immoral, does clean house at the entry level by allowing the flow of grace through Sacraments to work more effectively, and thus attunes you better to what God wants, and it teaches you to trust Him as well as know that you’re not supposed to do it all on your own strength (“without Me, you can do nothing”). It gives the Lord the “in” that He requires, and with your cooperation, He’s to take it from there. Something that Msgr. Charles Pope once wrote about the Lord providing for us strikes me at times like these also: that the Lord will provide by either giving you more or enabling you to want less. And NFP allows you to be open to having more children, or if you’ve prayerfully discerned that you can’t at the moment, it’ll teach you self-control. It all teaches you a much-needed detachment when it comes to sex: it’s a wonderful gift from God that is used primarily for procreation and binding husband and wife, but love is also more than sex, too.

Posted by Robyn on Thursday, Oct 4, 2012 2:39 PM (EST):

New Catholic

“We are so blessed and not in the least deserving of the glorious blessing it means to be Catholic”

Same here!!! ;D God bless and welcome home!!!!

Posted by Mary on Thursday, Oct 4, 2012 2:20 PM (EST):

As a native Rhode Islander I can say this: RI is so small, you cannot be blamed for driving straight through it without realizing it. I think you can get through it in a 45 minute drive to be truthful!!!

Also, RI is a largely Catholic state but you would not always know it considering how they elect so many liberal politicians. Pray for Little Rhody.

Love your column. Always great food for thought. Keep up the good work.

Posted by WSquared on Thursday, Oct 4, 2012 2:05 PM (EST):

“With such selfishness and self indulgence on our part, I do not know why our Blessed Mother dragged us to enter the Catholic Church.”

...I think the answer to your question is that it’s because the Blessed Mother knows that the Church is the best place for selfish, self-indulgent people to be. Welcome home!!! ;)

New Catholic, we’re ALL sinners in need of redemption through the Cross and Resurrection of Christ. The Church is His Body, and is meant to feed us so that we grow in holiness and to come to the fullness of life through Him, with Him, and in Him (“I come to give them life, so that they may have it in abundance”)—and not as any sort of “reward.” I think it was C.S. Lewis (?) who pointed out that the Church is not a club for saints; it is a hospital for sinners, Christ being the Divine Physician.

Posted by Gina Nakagawa on Thursday, Oct 4, 2012 2:02 PM (EST):

I love your opening. My Dad, God rest his noble soul, had no sense of direction. He came to live in Massachusetts which he detested because of my Mom who refused to live anywhere else. He would have been in total sympathy and empathy with you over ending up in a place where you had no intention of being!

The entire article is great. Thanks so much.

Posted by New Catholic on Thursday, Oct 4, 2012 12:21 PM (EST):

As evangelicals my wife and I delayed children for years. In the end, we could only have one child. As a young child he talked about having 100 children when he got married so that they would have brothers and sisters with which to play. Now, coming within a decade or two, he will be left with two aging parents who will need his care and he will have no siblings to help him with all those demands and difficult decisions needed with aging and ailing parents. We now attend a beautiful little Catholic Church and there is one family, maybe like yours, that troops in every Sunday, all eight kids, often a few minutes late, all the way to the front (because most Catholics start filling the Church from the back). Those children are sweet, they care for each other, they are the quietest and the most attentive when compared to the families with one or two children. I smile each time I see them and realize my wife and I lost all of the joy a larger family would bring because we had to get our careers going and own a house and enjoy our time before the kids came. Sadly, we prevented the kids from coming until it was all but “one” too late. Our son is a blessing but we have cursed him with our selfishness. With such selfishness and self indulgence on our part, I do not know why our Blessed Mother dragged us to enter the Catholic Church. We are so blessed and not in the least deserving of the glorious blessing of what it means to be Catholic.

@Anon who agrees, I wouldn’t worry about sending a little one to public school. I have found that for the most part, the 5th grade through tenth, are the grades we need to be especially vigilant about. K-4 are so innocent. Also, Catholic school is not always the next best option. I hate to say it, but in my personal experience it can be worse for the kid. I personally prefer being part of a Catholic school community, but my kids did NOT, because they couldn’t get away from the bad/mean/corrupt kids in a small setting.
**
Also, remember when thinking about the “one flesh” aspect of marriage: Marriage can be a very difficult road. We don’t start out perfect, without blemishes or difficult flaws. We are a work in progress, and are not necessarily imaging this in perfection from the start.
**
If I had anything that I’d do differently, it would be not to simply “soldier on” considering some of the flaws that really make themselves known, after the first blush of love. Marital love should be a sweet refuge and delight considering the rigors of this life. That is what it was meant to be! Don’t despair of this. “Putting out” only sacrificially, while perhaps at the minimum is virtuous, hurts their ego, and they will sense it. You run the risk of allowing him to settle for less also, and end up being objectified. I’m not sure if this is what you were referring to, but I think your instinct to work on your marriage is of paramount importance. You need to seek counseling.
**
For my marriage, it was actually better I think, that we sought counseling separately, with one trusted priest, that we both knew was solid. Oh how I wish we’d done it sooner. I had stopped believing that what I craved was possible. I thought it was idealism in my mind. We are so happy now. I didn’t even know a marriage like this was possible in this life.
**
I wish you the very best and will pray for your marriage.

Posted by anna lisa on Thursday, Oct 4, 2012 11:24 AM (EST):

What is WRONG with those East Coast freeway planners? I’m picturing the crying kids in the car, the firemen…How awful!!
.
As for my family, I’ve learned to have more gratitude for the safety net that has always existed behind my “small” family, in the way of my extended family. I can’t imagine ever having been able to have the big family that I have without it. What is disheartening, is that I won’t be able to provide that same financial security to my own children.
.
@Natalie, I understand your fear and horror of childbirth. Yes, prayers for everyone facing that. I’m big on epidurals if your body can take it. Mine couldn’t for the last four.
.
I do like that quote that Kathleen (I think) posted a couple of weeks ago by Benjamin Franklin, that said that big families open you to more sorrow, but also open you to more joy. This, like everything else must be sifted through our soul.
.
What I have learned, now that I’m truly past the “thick of it” in childbearing and having only small children,—is that HOPE should always color all of our pragmatism. If we have truly faced the realities of what our particular, unique family is faced with, it is important that we never let the “dark voice” of despair and doubt dictate our decisions. The Holy Spirit brings light and freedom.
.
My husband and I conceived all of our children “in a glass half full”. I have never once been able to say that we were tried beyond our ability to cope. When huge set backs came our way, it was the beauty and love of our children that pulled us through.

Posted by Tracey on Thursday, Oct 4, 2012 10:47 AM (EST):

“Maybe your family won’t be big, but it can still be holy.”
.
This one sentence touched my heart. My husband & I are unable to have children due to my infertility. It’s been a very hard road but I feel we have grown so strong and truly are “one flesh” because of it. Our little family consists of my husband and me, and our two little Chihuahua “dog-ters.” Are we less heroic in our love or generous in parenting? Hardly. We have nine nieces & nephews between us ranging from 4 to 22, and they all turn to us for some kind of guidance or help. Maybe in our case, we were supposed to end up in Cape Cod!

Posted by Catherine S. on Thursday, Oct 4, 2012 9:37 AM (EST):

Question: How do you know when God wants you to persevere with something you are struggling with (to which he will provide the grace and strength to do so), and when do you really need to move and make a change (which God means for you to do)? How do you know? I struggle with this a lot!

Posted by Mrs Z on Thursday, Oct 4, 2012 9:36 AM (EST):

Ah, that homeschooling post. That’s how I discovered you. That post was a big help when all of the “good” Catholic families I knew homeschooled, and were shocked that we were sending our oldest to our parish school. It’s actually a compliment because they consider us a faithful, orthodox family. There are different paths to holiness and we shouldn’t try to put limits on God’s Will in our lives or others’.

Posted by Kathleen on Thursday, Oct 4, 2012 9:15 AM (EST):

Posted by Cari on Thursday, Oct 4, 2012 7:45 AM (EST):I’m going to go Google myself.”
************************
I tried that years ago & the first thing that popped up was an offer to buy nude photos of a UK semi-porn actress with the same name. I haven’t had the nerve to google myself again.

Posted by Gina on Thursday, Oct 4, 2012 9:12 AM (EST):

Simcha—bless you. Bless you, bless you, bless you for this.

Aquinas says that prudence (PRUDENCE!!) is queen of all the virtues, because it orders all of them rightly. Without blessed common sense, even virtues like love and heroism become distorted in practice… If we moms don’t remember that, and cultivate prudence, we’ll go nuts and be unable to love anyone.

Posted by Tami on Thursday, Oct 4, 2012 9:04 AM (EST):

Thank you so much for this post! My sister felt so much pressure from her friends to home school when it wasn’t the right thing for her or her children. She felt guilty when she sent them back to school, but it has been a blessing for the whole family as they grow and excel. God definitely has a unique path to holiness (and education!) for everyone.

Posted by Anon who agrees on Thursday, Oct 4, 2012 9:00 AM (EST):

How wonderful you wrote this! I am so thankful for your voice out there to the Catholic world.
>
I have been thinking about this topic often. There are many GOOD things, but we are not called to do every GOOD thing. That, actually, would be impossible!
>
My husband and I have had a very difficult marriage, struggling to just get along! The wonderful group of friends we had during college did have a few people marrying quite young- 21,22, 23. My husband and I were so youthfully zealous in our faith. I especially was so excited to be a “sentinal of the morning” and ready to raise up afamily of little saints for God! Marriage and family are GOOD. Two sincere, devout catholics marrying wiht the intention for life is GOOD. We saw it in our friends aroudn us. It wasn’t until 6 years later that I humbly realized just because something is Good doesn’t equate God willing it for you, at least at that time. We easily dismissed difficulties in our engagement for “the greater good” while completely ignoring the practical. He holds us up each day and I am so grateful for my family (I do hope no one thinks I’m being angry or hurt here (just trying as matter-of-factly as possilbe to share my story). This also relates to the priest’s letter. As much as I would LOVE to be a woman who is so open to life, I do actually believe it is more sacrificially loving of me to put my own desire of a little one on hold to do the more tenuous work of tending to my marriage (using NFP of course).
>
Another thing I have been wondering that I am curious on your and others’ take of this: If our bodies are to speak truths and not lies, is it any better to have sex with your spouse that you lack respect for and are reserving in love, in the hopes of having a little one to raise up, than it is for a couple who serves the other daily in love and sacrifice yet contracepts? Are they not both speaking lies?
>
The main thing I wanted to comment on (before I sidetracked myself!) was how I came to this conclusion recently as well. I am coming in to contact with more and more beautiful homeschooling families. I heartily agree with their reason for homeschooling, especially the building of a strong family culture and keeping the parents as the primary influence over the children. However, I just had to allow myself to let go of that thought. I love the IDEA of it, but I cannot fit that in our family right now. Yes, the thought of sending my sweet, innocent 3 year old to school next year does put a little fear in my heart sometimes, but I realize this is a time for me to grow in faith and trust, and use my God-given brain to choose the best school for our family .

Again, thanks for saying what needs to be said, usually the lone voice that sheds light on the other point of view that isn’t so widely held but ever faithful.

Posted by StephC on Thursday, Oct 4, 2012 8:24 AM (EST):

Simcha, I am one of the folks who googled & searched again and again for your post on dropping out of homeschooling. I read it & and every comment several times over a 2 year period, I believe. In real life, I am outrageously blessed by a strong, vibrant and HAPPY homeschooling community, and I’m computer-savvy enough to find online support to fill in any gaps in support or encouragement. What I needed most during that period of discernment was for someone I admired from afar (you) to remind me that true discernment meant really turning an issue all around and examining it from every possible angle, even the ones I felt ashamed to look at. So, thanks for reminding me of one more reason I appreciate your writing! (And that I appreciate all of those who contributed comments to that post, too.)

As a native RI’er, now living in PA, let me just reassure everybody: the Cape Cod wrong turn is as much a function of the tiny-ness of RI & its sardine-can highway system as anything else! Rite of passage for most of us.

Posted by Duffer on Thursday, Oct 4, 2012 8:22 AM (EST):

I LIVED in Rhode Island for a year, and still got lost every time I got on the highway, and one time, I too ended up in Cape Cod.

Sometime home schooler here, with kids now in public school: I for one am grateful to hear the message, that I somehow only hear from you online, that sending your kids to public school is not a death sentence for faithful Catholics.

I have a lot of kids. And I can be open to having more, but something had to give—and for me it was educating them myself. I can provide a Catholic foundation and homelife, and I can provide a warm place to gestate. But Algebra, LIt, science, History, incredible art classes, etc. plus extra help for learning disabilities—sometimes I’m surprised that these resources are just there for the taking—opportunities to enrich my children’s minds, and I thought somehow that it was a sin to take advantage of them. In hindsight, I think it was a greater sin to think that I could be their everything.

Posted by GeekLady on Thursday, Oct 4, 2012 8:16 AM (EST):

...I was going to say something extremely rude. I had a gut feeling the author of that letter was a man, but decided to check before I addressed my insult to “Mr. Heroic Love”. And while yes, he’s a man, he’s also a priest, which sinks quite a bit of my anger into the miserable, near-despair sensation I get whenever one of the Christ’s shepherds goes and shows himself a donkey instead.

Posted by Natalie on Thursday, Oct 4, 2012 8:13 AM (EST):

I hang around in circles where families of 5 are the average. Our parish has many families with upwards of 10+ kids and 15 passenger vans line the parking lot. I LOVE IT! However, I married later in life (relatively speaking) and have a terrible time with pregnancy (plus I have had a few miscarriages). I don’t know as that we’ll ever reach that “large family” status my husband and I longed for when we were young and single (and not dating one another). Maybe we will, who knows - there is always adoption! But being pregnant with *only* our second child I wonder if the author of the letter to the editor would say we are not being generous enough? I am inclined to think that is not what he meant (I hope since he seems to be a priest) but I can’t help tearing up a bit (pregnancy hormones) and crying out - We’re being as generous as we feel we can with our life’s circumstances! Do I really have to have babies every year to prove that? I was in tears for months after the birth of our first because I felt as though I didn’t think I could go through it all again - and I was saddened by the fact that I even felt that way and literally beat myself up about it for months. It took me a while to get to the point where I was ready to get on board for another baby. And I’m still very much scared for this labor and delivery. Prayers please!!

Posted by Rebecca Simpson on Thursday, Oct 4, 2012 8:10 AM (EST):

OMGsh Simcha…thank you, thank you, thank you for this. You have once again hit the nail on the head. God Bless you!!!

Posted by Abby on Thursday, Oct 4, 2012 7:50 AM (EST):

I once ended up in Cape Cod while trying to get _home_ to Rhode Island, which is obviously much worse.
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But I really came to the comboxes to say: Are you implying that it is OK for an author to offer a piece of spiritual advice that doesn’t apply to every person who might possibly read the column? Isn’t that irresponsible of you? Haven’t you gotten in trouble for exactly that mistake before, and haven’t you learned your lesson?

Posted by Eileen on Thursday, Oct 4, 2012 7:46 AM (EST):

Anyone who has ever ultimately decided the road less travelled among their peers is the best one for their family knows how true this advice is. I always think back to the time I was a scared, extremely ill breastfeeder and I was literally killing myself and all I heard around me was how “worth it” all the fatigue was. It wasn’t and NO ONE - except my husband - would say it to me. I needed permission to give my daughter a bottle and the permission wasn’t there from a single woman in my or my husband’s family. I’ve since learned that I had many of the conditions that when any one is present breastfeeding is not advised.
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I don’t think I’m angry about the pressure disguised as support any longer and I do think having lived through the experience has made me a stronger person and particularly a better mother. I’m much less inclined to worry about what the rest of the world thinks or how we might appear to the world and concern myself with what’s best for my family.

Posted by Jeni on Thursday, Oct 4, 2012 7:46 AM (EST):

And for those of us forging ahead without an idea of where we should go, it’s all reaffirming to be told that life holds infinite possibility still and we haven’t already screwed up before we’ve even started. If that makes any sense.

My mom was just in cape cod last week lol. Which is quite a trek for a Floridian. But she did it intentionally. She brought along a bag of cape cod chips and took pictures with them lol

Posted by Cari on Thursday, Oct 4, 2012 7:45 AM (EST):

Even more than encouragement, we need the tools for discernment. If every single person knew that not only was God’s Will for us something that could be known, but that He’s given us the process to accomplish just that, so much of our hand wringing and second guessing and guilt tripping would be eliminated.
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I wish every parish would offer a course on St. Ignatius’s Rules for the Discernment of Spirits. Then offer it again. And again. And again until we all knew them by heart and made the practice a daily part of our lives.
We look so hard for encouragement and approval from each other, when it’s more profitable to be looking for Divine confirmation. Cape Cod can be fine, Rhode Island can be fine, but ultimately, we’re supposed to be aiming for heaven.
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Now I’m going to go Google myself.

Posted by tiffany on Thursday, Oct 4, 2012 7:43 AM (EST):

Ha! I made the exact same mistake - EXACT! - of ending up on the Cape when trying to visit my sister in Rhode Island. Fortunately, I was single and childless at the time, but boy was I mad!! What a colossal waste of time!
Oh, and THE Holy Family only had one kid, so I don’t think more kids = holier family. :)

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