THE LIMO
Written by
Larry Charles
(Comedy club)
Do you think that the people at the airport that run the stores
have any idea
what the prices are every place else in the world? Or do you
think they just
feel they have their own little country out there and they can
charge anything
they want? You're hungry? Tuna sandwich is nine dollars. You
don't like it;
go back to your own country. I think the whole airport airline
complex is a
huge scam just to sell the tuna sandwiches. I think that profit
is what's
supporting the whole air travel industry. I mean think about
it; the terminals,
the airplanes, it's all just a distraction so that you don't
notice the beating
that you're taking on the tuna.
George is at the airport.
GEORGE
It's all departures. I see nothing but
departures. (to the woman
beside him) Do you know where the arrivals are?
The woman walks away. George addresses the man standing on the
other side.
GEORGE
Excuse me, sir, do you have the time?
MAN
There's a clock over there.
GEORGE
Where?
MAN
There.
GEORGE
But you have a watch on.
MAN
It's right by the escalator.
GEORGE
Why don't you just look at your watch?
MAN
I told you, it's right over there.
GEORGE
Let me see the watch.
George grabs the man's wrist.
MAN
Hey! What are you, some kind of nut?!
GEORGE
You know we're living in a society!
Jerry walks up from the ramp.
JERRY
George.
GEORGE
Jerry. Jerry.
JERRY
Sorry, the flight was delayed, how long've
you been waiting?
GEORGE
I just got here. My car broke down on
the Belt Parkway.
Jerry, Oh I can't believe-- why don't you get rid of that piece
of junk.
GEORGE
One mile from the exit it starts shaking,
really violently shaking,
like it's having a nervous breakdown. It completely stopped dead.
JERRY
So you have no car?
GEORGE
No.
JERRY
So what good are you?
Jerry looks over towards a chauffer holding a sign that says
O'BRIEN
JERRY
I'll tell you one thing, this chauffeur's
gonna be waiting a while,
O'Brien's not showing up.
GEORGE
How do you know?
JERRY
He was in Chicago, the flight was overbooked,
wouldn't let him on the
plane. He kept screaming how he had to get to Madison Square
Garden.
GEORGE
We should take his limo.
JERRY
Yeah, right.
GEORGE
Wait a second. Think about it. He's
not showing up. Wait till you
see the line of cabs, its like forty-five minutes long. You said
he's in
Chicago.
JERRY
He's definitely in Chicago.
GEORGE
Well the guy's just standing there.
JERRY
How would we do it?
GEORGE
We just go up to him, we say, "We're
O'Brien."
JERRY
Maybe he knows O'Brien?
GEORGE
No, he doesn't know O'Brien, if he knew
O'Brien he wouldn't have a
sign. Let's just do it.
JERRY
What if we get caught?
GEORGE
What's gonna happen? They can't kill
us.
JERRY
Who's gonna be O'Brien?
GEORGE
I'll be O'Brien.
JERRY
Who am I?
GEORGE
You're you.
JERRY
Just me?
GEORGE
Yeah.
JERRY
Okay.
GEORGE
What, you don't want to be you?
JERRY
Well if you're gonna be O'Brien, why
can't I be somebody?
GEORGE
Like who?
JERRY
Dylan Murphy.
George mumbles something.
JERRY
What, now you wanna be Dylan Murphy?
GEORGE
Well I like Dylan.
JERRY
You could be Colin.
GEORGE
Colin O'Brien.
JERRY
I'm Dylan Murphy.
GEORGE
I'm Colin O'Brien.
They walk towards the chauffer.
GEORGE
Are we really doing this?
JERRY
Come on,
MAN
Hey, do you have the time?
GEORGE
Clock over there. (to chauffer) O'Brien.
CHAUFFER
Yes sir.
GEORGE
Sorry we're late.
CHAUFFER
Here let me take that for you.
GEORGE
Oh thank you.
CHAUFFER
I'll get the car and I'll bring it around
front.
GEORGE
Thank you very much. Dylan?
JERRY
Colin?
George and Jerry are in the back of a limo. George is giddy with
excitement.
GEORGE
This is incredible! This is one of the
greatest things I've ever done
in my life! I'm gonna call my mother.
JERRY
What for?
GEORGE
I dunno, I'm in a limo. (dials) Hello
ma? It's me. Guess where I am.
In the back of a limo. No, nobody died. It's a long story, I
can't tell you
now. Because I can't. I said I can't. If I could, I would. Would
you stop
it? Alright, look, I'm getting off. No, I'm not telling you!
How's this? I'm
*never* telling you! I don't care! No! Fine! Never!!
JERRY
She happy for you?
GEORGE
Can he hear us?
JERRY
No. Why?
GEORGE
I thought I saw him look in the mirror
suspiciously.
JERRY
He can't hear us.
GEORGE
Let's test him. Hey, driver. What do
you say we stop off, pick up
your sister, have a little fun back here? No, he can't hear us.
JERRY
Where's he dropping us? Maybe we can
get him to drop us right at my
house?
GEORGE
We'll ask him. (opens partition) My
dear fellow, where are you
dropping us?
CHAUFFER
Madison Square Garden, of course. I
have the four passes.
GEORGE
Of course, the uh, the four passes.
(closes partition) Four passes to
Madison Square Garden? Wait a minute. Wait a minute! Of course!
Chicago!
The Knicks are playing the Bulls tonight!
JERRY
What?
GEORGE
We are going to the Knick game! Michael
Jordan!
JERRY
We're going to the Knick game!
GEORGE
Did I tell you?! Did I tell you?!
JERRY
I can't believe it! You may have hit
with this one!
GEORGE
You see, you see? I see things as they
are and I say, 'no!' Uh, wait,
you see things as they are not and you s- Wait, uh, you see things,
do you see
things as they are? What do you say when you see things?
JERRY
Lemme call Elaine and Kramer.
GEORGE
If I see things as they are, I would
ask 'why' or 'why not?'
JERRY
Elaine? It's me. What are you doing
tonight? Great. George and I
have tickets, four free passes to the Knicks-Bulls game, Madison
Square Garden.
Can you go? Great, listen, call Kramer, tell him to meet us on
the corner at
seven o'clock. Alright. We're gonna pick you up in a limo. That's
right
babydoll. Hey listen, when we pick you up, I'm Murphy and George
is O'Brien. I
can't tell you now, it's a long story. I am serious. Okay. Okay
bye. (opens
partition) 'Scuse me, driver, we have to make a little stop first.
CHAUFFER
I know.
JERRY AND GEORGE
He knows?
GEORGE
Where are we going? Why are we pulling
off here?
JERRY
Maybe it's a shortcut.
GEORGE
We're on the Grand Central, there's
no traffic.
JERRY
(opens partition) 'Scuse me, driver,
why are we getting off this exit?
CHAUFFER
Pick up the other members of your party.
GEORGE
Right. The other members of our party.
(closes partition) Other
members of our party? What other members of our party? I didn't
even know we
were in a party. Oh, I'm telling you, the jig is up.
JERRY
It was a bad jig to begin with, we never
should have started this jig.
GEORGE
It was a good jig.
JERRY
It was a bad jig, a terrible terrible
jig. What are we gonna do now?
They're gonna know you're not O'Brien.
GEORGE
There could be more than one O'Brien
on a plane who ordered a limo.
JERRY
First of all, you don't look like any
O'Brien, period.
GEORGE
Well you should have been O'Brien.
JERRY
I don't want to be Murphy anymore; do
I still have to be Murphy?
GEORGE
Yes, you have to be Murphy.
JERRY
It makes no sense now, me being Murphy.
GEORGE
You're Murphy!
JERRY
I'm Seinfeld!
GEORGE
You're Murphy!! Look, let's just jump
out of the car.
JERRY
We're doing sixty miles an hour!
GEORGE
So we jump and roll, you won't get hurt.
JERRY
Who are you, Mannix?
GEORGE
We're slowing down. Are those the people?
JERRY
Alright put your hands up over your
face, pretend you're sleeping.
The limo pulls over, two people, a man (Tim) and a woman (Eva),
get in.
WOMAN
Mr. O'Brien?
JERRY
No, I'm, uh, Dylan Murphy. Mr. O'Brien
had a long trip, he's sleeping.
EVA
Oh, well I don't want to disturb him.
We're just rather
excited to meet him face to face, finally. We're faithful readers
of his
newsletter.
JERRY
Newsletter?
TIM
And of course, his great book, "The
Game".
JERRY
Oh, yes, he's very proud of his work
in the big game. So you've never
uh, met him before?
EVA
No.
JERRY
Never seen a picture of him?
EVA
Never.
JERRY
Not even on the book jacket?
EVA
There was no picture on the book jacket.
JERRY
Hey O'Brien, wake up, c'mon, we got
company. Wake up.
GEORGE
Hello. I'm O'Brien.
Elaine meets Kramer of Jerry's corner.
KRAMER
Hey!
ELAINE
Hey!
KRAMER
What, you took a cab?
ELAINE
Yeah? So?
KRAMER
How much do you make?
ELAINE
I'm not telling you.
KRAMER
C'mon.
ELAINE
No!
KRAMER
I'll tell you how much I make.
ELAINE
I know how much you make. I don't even
know why I'm doing this, I
don't even like basketball.
KRAMER
You ever seen Michael Jordan?
ELAINE
Just in those commercials.
KRAMER
Maybe you'll see him do one of those
three-sixty dunks.
ELAINE
What's that?
KRAMER
Oh, it's like this, here, you guard
me.
ELAINE
Huh?
KRAMER
Yeah.
Kramer then drives to 'the hoop' and tumbles headfirst into a
bunch of garbage
cans.
Cut back to 'O'Brien' and 'Murphy' in the limo.
JERRY
I don't think we're gonna make the tip
off.
TIM
You think someone's been tipped off?
GEORGE
So, um, you've read "The Big Game",
have you?
EVA
Yes I've read it and I've memorized
it.
GEORGE
Tell me your impressions, I would love
to hear what a young woman
thinks of "The Big Game".
EVA
Well, this is sort of embarrassing,
but it's changed my life. The way you
analyzed the game? The way you identify the major players? Well
it left me
breathless. You're a brilliant, brilliant man.
GEORGE
Well, it's just a game. Remember that,
kids.
TIM
Just a game. He's so humble. Don't forget
what you wrote in the
epilogue, the fate of the world depends on the outcome of this
game.
GEORGE
Well, I was exaggerating a bit, just
for effect.
JERRY
He tends to exaggerate.
GEORGE
Okay, I mean it's serious but--
EVA
We are really looking forward to your
speech tonight.
GEORGE
Uh, my speech?
EVA
Yes, your secretary faxed me the copy.
Would you like to look it over?
JERRY
Well you might as well look it over.
Cut back to Kramer and Elaine waiting on the corner.
KRAMER
So what's going on, how did all this
happen?
ELAINE
Jerry and George called me from this
limo and they said we're all going
to the Knicks-Bulls game.
KRAMER
Limo? I thought that George went to
pick him up.
ELAINE
He did.
KRAMER
Well then why would they take a limo
from the airport?
ELAINE
I don't know.
KRAMER
That's pretty strange. Did he say anything
else?
ELAINE
Yeah. He said, um, he said it's really
important that we call them
O'Brien and Murphy.
KRAMER
O'Brien. Why would he want to be called
O'Brien?
Cut back to the limo, George is reading from O'Brien's speech.
GEORGE
...and the Jews steal our money through
their Zionist occupied
government and use the black man to bring drugs into our oppressed
white
minority communities.
JERRY
You're not going to open with that,
are you?
EVA
What was that you said about the myth
of the Holocaust?
GEORGE
I said so many things.
Suddenly they hear a loud bang.
GEORGE
They're shooting! They're shooting!
TIM
Alright, get down!
The limo comes to a screeching halt. Tim exits the limo to look
around, Eva has
fallen on top of George.
Eva. Ohhh. I'm ready to die for you.
GEORGE
That's really very nice of you, Eva.
Thank you.
EVA
But of course you know I would. I would
do anything for you. Anything.
Tim returns.
TIM
Nothing to worry about, it was just
a flat tire. But rest assured, we're
prepared to handle anything that might come up.
Tim opens a briefcase filled with firearms. Eva grabs one and
starts handling
it sensually.
JERRY
Nice looking Lugar.
Jodi Baskerville, reporting live.
JODI
I'm standing in front of the Paramount
adjacent to Madison Square Garden
where a growing number of vociferous and angry demonstrators
are gathering to
protest the very first public appearance of Donald O'Brien, the
leader of the
midwestern regional chapter of the Aryan Union, and reputed to
be their most
charismatic spokesman. The reclusive Mr. O'Brien is an advocate
of the violent
overthrow of the government. He has openly professed a deep admiration
of Adolf
Hitler. Even David Duke has denounced him as a dangerous extremist.
There is a
full house inside awaiting his arrival from the airport. Sources
tell me he is
in route and should be arriving momentarily. Police have set
up barricades, but
quite frankly Bill and Jean, I don't think they're any match
for the emotional
fuse that has been lit here tonight. Reporting from the Paramount,
I'm Jodi
Baskerville, back to you in the studio.
Cut back to Kramer and Elaine on the corner.
KRAMER
Something's very strange. George goes
to the airport to pick up Jerry.
They come back in a limo with four tickets to the basketball
game and wanna be
called O'Brien and Murphy? O'Brien. O'Brien, why O'Brien?
A group of people approach from the adjacent sidewalk. One of
them recognized
Elaine.
DAN
Elaine?
ELAINE
Dan! Oh, hi Dan, how are you?
DAN
Good.
ELAINE
Um, oh, this is um, Kramer.
DAN
Oh, Kramer?
They shake hands.
ELAINE
What's going on?
DAN
Oh, we're heading down to protest this
big neo-nazi rally. The head of
the Aryan Union is speaking, he's in from Chicago. You should
come.
ELAINE
Oh, can't, I'm going to the Knicks-Bulls
game.
DAN
Oh, well that's where the rally is.
The Paramount, right next door.
ELAINE
Oh, well, maybe we'll run into you.
DAN
Yeah, yeah ok. It's really gonna be
something, this is the first time
he's ever appeared in public, no one even knows what he looks
like.
KRAMER
Who?
DAN
The head of the Aryan Union; O'Brien.
Cut back to the limo.
Jerry and George are alone inside.
JERRY
What's taking him so long out there?
GEORGE
Didja see the way she was looking at
me?
JERRY
She's a Nazi, George. A Nazi!
GEORGE
I know, I know. Kind of a cute Nazi
though.
JERRY
Well we gotta make a plan before they
come back, what are we gonna do?
GEORGE
I don't know.
JERRY
Let's just make a run for it.
GEORGE
I can't run, I have a bad hamstring.
JERRY
How'd that happen?
GEORGE
I hurt it in a hotel room. You know
where they tuck the covers in real
tight in those hotel rooms? I can't sleep like that so I tried
to kick it out
and I pulled it.
JERRY
I know, why do they make that bed so
tight? You gotta sleep with your
feet like that.
GEORGE
For a mental patient. Wait a minute,
the phone, we'll call the police.
George grabs the phone and dials.
GEORGE
9... 1... 1. She said she'd do anything.
Hello, police? Uh, yeah
listen, we're in the back of a limo in Queens--
Tim re-enters the limo.
GEORGE
--Astroturf? You know who's responsible
for that, don't you?! The
Jews! Ah, the Jews hate grass. They always have, they always
will.
TIM
We'll be ready in a minute.
GEORGE
Would you excuse us for a minute Tim
boy, we're kind of in the middle
of something.
TIM
With all due respect, Mr. O'Brien, we're
just about to leave.
GEORGE
Tim, who's the head of the Aryan Union,
you or me?
TIM
You are.
GEORGE
And who's responsible for making hate
mongering and fascism popular
again?
TIM
You are.
GEORGE
Good. I think you forgot something.
TIM
I'm sorry.
GEORGE
Good. Now get out.
Tim leaves.
GEORGE
Okay, what are we gonna do?
JERRY
I don't know.
GEORGE
Alright, how's this? We wait till we
get to your street corner, we see
Elaine and Kramer then we get out. They can't shoot us in the
city.
JERRY
Nah. No one's ever been shot in the
city.
Cut back to Elaine and Kramer on the corner.
KRAMER
I'm telling you, something's going on.
I can feel it, sense it.
ELAINE
I'm sure he was just joking around.
KRAMER
Oh no no no, this is no joke. O'Brien's
coming in from Chicago,
Jerry's in a limo, says he's O'Brien? That's not funny. Oh my
god. Yes. Yes!
ELAINE
What is it?
KRAMER
Don't you see? There's always been something
very strange about Jerry,
always so clean and organized. Do I have to spell it out for
you? The limo?
The name? The rally at Madison Square Garden? Jerry, O'Brien
are the same
person. Jerry is the leader of the Aryan Union!
ELAINE
Jerry's a nazi?!
KRAMER
I can't believe I didn't see it.
ELAINE
Listen, you idiot! Just calm down! I
know Jerry, he's not a nazi.
KRAMER
You don't think so.
ELAINE
No, he's just neat.
Cut back to the limo.
TIM
You know it's funny. You don't look
like an O'Brien.
GEORGE
Me??
George and Jerry laugh nervously.
TIM
And you really don't look like a Murphy.
JERRY
I may not look like a Murphy but I act
like a Murphy.
GEORGE
He's extremely Murphy. He's Murphy to
a fault.
TIM
Where are you from?
JERRY
Dublin. Originally. Parents came over
here when I was eighteen.
Cereal famine. Couldn't get a bowl anywhere. Bad. 'Tis a beautiful
country
though; lush rolling hills, and the peat, ah the peat.
TIM
Sounds more like Scottish.
JERRY
We were right on the border.
Cut back to the street corner.
KRAMER
Maybe he's with the company.
ELAINE
What?
KRAMER
The CIA! Maybe they placed him in there
to infiltrate the organization
from within.
ELAINE
What about his comedy act?
KRAMER
That's the perfect cover! All that time
on the road? Look Jerry, he's
too normal to be a comedian. These comedians, they're sick, neurotic
people.
ELAINE
What about George?
KRAMER
What about him, he's part of it. His
whole personality is a disguise.
No real person can act the way he does. Elaine, I'm telling you
they're with
the organization. They're all part of it. He's in there with
Helms and Hunt
and Liddy, that whole crowd. George and Jerry, they probably
know who killed
Kennedy!
ELAINE
I'll bet they were even in on it.
KRAMER
Alright, what are we gonna do? I'm not
gonna let him hurt you. (grabs
and hugs Elaine tightly) I'm not gonna.
ELAINE
Kramer, you're hurting me!
Quick cut to the now approaching limo.
GEORGE
Those are my friends I was telling you
about. We're gonna talk to
them, pull over.
ELAINE
Get off of me!!
The limo pulls over and George and Jerry get out.
KRAMER
O'Brien.
This attracts the attention of Dan and his friends standing at
a nearby bus
stop.
MAN
O'Brien? Is that him?
MAN #2
Yeah, that's him.
MAN #3
Look there's O'Brien!
MAN #4
Filthy nazi bastard!
ALL FOUR
Let's get him!!
They begin running full speed towards the gang.
GEORGE
What do I do?! What do I do?!
JERRY
Get in the car! Get in the car!
George, Elaine, Jerry and Kramer all jump into the limo which
speeds off.
KRAMER
O'Brien. Long time no see. How's tricks,
Murphy?
TIM
Why did you call him O'Brien and him
Murphy?
JERRY
No, he was talking to me, he's cross-eyed.
ELAINE
It could be very confusing.
The limo phone rings Kramer answers it.
KRAMER
Yeah? Eva?
EVA
It's for me. (takes phone) Hello? (cups
receiver) It's O'Brien.
KRAMER
O'Brien? Well that's weird.
EVA
Who are you?
George and Jerry begin simultaneous explanations about how George's
car broke
down when he went to pick Jerry up at the airport.
Cut back to Jodi Baskerville, reporting live.
JODI
A limousine has just pulled up it's
being surrounded by a huge group of
protestors, this has the makings of a very ugly scene.
Cut back to the limo, Elaine has joined the group explanation,
none of the three
are intelligible at this point.
JODI
They are banging on the car, trying
to flip it over. The police seem
unable or unwilling to control the crowd, I would imagine Mr.
O'Brien must be
having some very grave doubts if he made the right choice for
his first public
appearance.
Cut back to the limo. The explanations are becoming more heated
and less
understandable, the limo is rocking violently and Tim and Eva
are becoming
unnerved.
EVA
Get out!!
ELAINE
Look, it's Dan! Hi Dan!
DAN
Elaine?
ELAINE
Hey!
Cut to George in front of a news camera, the on screen graphic
says 'DONALD
O'BRIEN Leader of the Aryan Union'.
GEORGE
I am not O'Brien! I am not O'Brien!
I'm not O'Brien! Ask anyone!
Jerry?! Jerry?!!
(Comedy club)
So I was watching this movie the other night, it was a World
War Two movie and
there was Nazis in the movie and I noticed that the Nazis in
those movies always
had like two separate heils. They had like the regular heil that
they would do
and then when they were around the offices they had like this
casual heil,
remember that one, you ever notice that? They come in, yeah,
heil, how are ya,
is the kid back with the coffee yet? Come on, are you finished
with the copier?
Yeah. World domination, Aryan race, whose donuts are those? Yeah,
heil, nice
to see ya, can I have one of those donuts?
THE END