Month: May 2017

Detroit, Michigan: One of the big three US truck manufacturers have announced that they will be offering a bumper sticker factory option for its conservative minded customers. The marketing departments of Chevrolet and GMC trucks have both decided that it will be a popular addition to an already long list of option packages made available to their loyal base of owners. Ford and Ram declined to comment on whether they will also offer a similar option.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham was able to test drive a brand new Chevrolet Silverado with the new ‘Base Patriot Sticker’ option applied to the back window and tailgate. He then met with the GM truck marketing guru who came up with the idea, Mr. Bubba Thick. Thick explained the reasoning behind the new sticker option:

“Mocksham, our marketing department has decades of statistics that show us that the majority of our truck owners live in the so-called ‘Red’ states and rural areas of the ‘Blue’ states. When we visit these areas we see our trucks just covered in conservative-themed bumper stickers.”

“We are going to allow our customers in those areas to have the option of purchasing their new Chevy and GM trucks with the various new ‘Patriot’ sticker options directly from the factory.”

“The top of the line in the option group will be the ‘Trump’ package that covers the entire truck with his now famous campaign stickers.”

Mecca, Saudi Arabia: US President Donald Trump stunned the world tonight by reciting the first of the five pillars of Islam, the “Shahada” with Saudi King Salman becoming the very first US President to officially profess the Islamic faith.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham was present at the ceremony and was able to speak to the President immediately afterward. He asked the President why he became a Muslim after all his anti-Muslim rhetoric his whole life.

“Mocksham, I said that I was going to be the President of all the people, all the religions. I have discovered that Islam is the worlds largest, most fantastic faith let me tell you, and after I found out that we all worship the same God and all then it was an easy decision for me to make.”

“I am pretty sure that I can be both a Christian and a Muslim. No one has told me otherwise.”

“What’s the big deal anyway, I wasn’t even a Christian till I decided to run for President!”

Washington, DC: After calling all the top US Generals “Incompetent” for not eliminating ISIS and disarming North Korea during his first 100 days in office, President Trump has signed an executive order that eliminates the entire Joint Chiefs of Staff.

He immediately signed a second one that proclaimed himself to not only be commander and chief of the armed forces, but a General and “Supreme Leader.”

His first decree was to have the White House landscapers remove existing landscaping and replace it with hundreds of banana trees. RFN reporter Andy Mocksham was able to reach the President on his unsecured Samsung Galaxy phone. He asked the President why.

“Mocksham, this a great country. The best, that I can tell you. But we have weak institutions. I am going to make them stronger and better.”

“The Generals don’t know how to win anymore. We haven’t won in a long time Mocksham. I will be the best General. I know more than them losers anyways. I watch Fox news and don’t read the fake news like your silly news.”

“Why banana trees? What a silly question! Bananas are the symbol of a great republic Mocksham, and I am going to make America great again. I promised to make America great again and great it will be!

“Ivanka and Jared have purchased the Banana Republic brand, it is such an iconic brand. It will be our brand. Americas brand.”

“We will be the greatest Banana Republic ever, that I can assure you.”

Any City, USA: All across America last night people were drinking Mexican beer and tequila, and eating mayonnaise. The celebration is based on the famous battle between Mexican and French troops In the city of Puebla on the 5th of May, 1862. RFN reporter Andy Mocksham spent the evening with an expert on the subject of the history of this celebration, Adipose Hellman.

“Most Americans mistakenly believe that Cinco De Mayo is the Mexican independence day, but that is actually in September,” Hellman said.

“The other faulty belief is that the battle was against European colonization of Mexico, when in fact is was the culmination of a conflict that had begun over a century earlier between France and Spain over who invented the now famous condiment, Mayonnaise.”

“France and Spain had been fighting over the original recipe and who created it since 1756.”

“The first battle was on the Mediterranean island of Minorca. The French believed that the recipe for “A magic sauce” was being hidden by the Spanish on the island. The French insisted that it was their creation and not Spain and that the original recipe would be able to prove the claim that Mayeu was indeed French, and not Salsa Mahonesa as the Spanish claimed.”

Hellman continued, “ The quest to prove ownership and profits from mayonnaise continued for decades and the French were certain that Spain had taken the recipe to Mexico. On May 5th, 1862 French forces invaded the city of Puebla searching for it and were defeated by outnumbered Mexican troops.”

“France eventually gave up their quest for the recipe and that freed up mayo to be mass produced. It was never really spicy enough for Mexicans to fall in love with, but Americans really enjoy it.”

“That is why Americans celebrate Cinco De Mayo and Mexicans just give it a big “Meh”.

“The question of whether France or Spain invented mayonnaise will probably never be answered since the original recipe has never been found.”

“But no one disagrees that Americans created the ketchup and mayo combination Secret Sauce.”

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham saw the ad on E bay and immediately contacted his old friend to ask him why he wanted to sell his rare and cherished possession:

“It is hard to say goodbye to an old friend Mocksham. We brought Kuba with us from Remulak when we relocated to earth for good. It has been a faithful companion for many, many Zurls.”

“But now we have grandchildren and they are more interested in mass quantities of entertainment from less elegant and tasteful devices created here on Earth.”

“Also Prymaat told me to sell it. She wants a new Samsung 65 inch ultra 4K television that she saw in the big store of mass quantity, Costco.”

“If any Earthlings are interested in the Kuba Comet from Remulak, it is all original. All tubes and transistors have been upgraded and meet with current strict Remulakian standards for consumer electronic devices.”

“It also has a special feature that I have added that no other Kuba Comet has. On my home planet when the three moons align we have a great festival culminated by a traditional battle of chosen ones who Narfle the Garthok. It is pay per view on Remulak but I have hacked the codes and this TV shows it live every month.”