Tuesday, July 14, 2009

On tonight's episode of The Daily Show, Jon Stewart picked up where he left off in March, utterly destroying any credibility Jim Cramer has as a financial analyst. The video and full transcript follow below the fold.

Transcript

Jon Stewart: Welcome back. I'm gonna say something right now. We were actually talking about this earlier with the audience: I love baseball. And the team that I love the most in all of baseball — the New York Metropolitans. In fact — [audience cheers] — No! I've written a song about it; it goes a little something like this: [singing badly off-key] Meet the Mets! Meet the Mets! ... But I digress. As you can imagine, 1986, the last time the New York Mets won the World Series, was one of the best years of my life — which, I think, says quite a bit about my life up to that point. It was an amazing year — so many heroes: Mookie! Hojo! And of course Lenny Dykstra, seen here for some reason in a Phillies uniform, eating what appears to be a mouthful of shit. (All right; I don't know why he was doin' that.) But I loved Lenny Dykstra: he was my size, tough as nails, and he had that classic "NAILS" poster. I actually still have that hanging in my office ... and I have one also in my garage ... and my bedroom. I'm not gonna lie to you: I also had it airbrushed onto a denim jacket. I, umm, it's a really good poster.

Anyway, the one thing everybody knew about Lenny Dykstra, back in the day, was how tough he played — and also that he was kind of stupid. That's why this report, on Real Sports from last year, was so surprising.

Bernard Goldberg: [voiceover] Lenny Dykstra, financial whiz kid, started after he left baseball. [...] When Lenny Dykstra speaks these days, people actually listen. He flies on luxurious private jets [...] the $18½ million mansion [...] and his shiny German car. Now, the guy who probably couldn't spell "financial guru" in his playing days, has become one.

Eh, so what?? You don't like reading. You don't like reading — money is a "numbers" game anyway; it's not some stupid "word" thing, full of book-thingie words. Who better to trust your investment portfolio to than a not-so-literate horse-shit-chomping man named Nails? So, maybe, when Real Sports went back for a follow-up piece a year later, this should've come as no surprise.

Goldberg: [voiceover] A year ago, he had millions in the bank. [...] When the stock market tanked, so did Lenny. [...] [to Dykstra] You owe everybody and his brother money – [...] the printers [of the magazine] —

Dykstra: The printers? Fuck the printers. The printers are criminals. [...]

"My broker is Lenny Dykstra, and when my broker talks — you cannot air it on national television." In fact, not only has the man known as Nails just declared bankruptcy, he's $31M in debt, and has something like 20 lawsuits filed against him. Apparently, he thought somebody gave him the sign to "steal" [audience laughs] So why am I bringing this up? Settle down, I'm getting to the point. Why am I bringing this up? Because this story encapsulates all that my life is, has been, and will be. I moved to New York in 1986, the Mets won the World Series® that year; Lenny Dykstra was one of my favorite ballplayers, he is now stricken by an economic crisis that is enveloping us all. If only there was one connecting fiber that would make this the greatest story that I have ever seen in my entire lifetime — perhaps someone who stood up for Dykstra, vouching for his financial bona fides, staking his own sterling reputation on the broad shoulders, yet apparently pin-headed back, of Leonard Q. Dykstra. [puppet voice] Roll 212! [normal voice] What was that? I didn't hear that. [puppet voice] Roll 212! [normal voice] Okay....

2008-03-10, episode 132, story 3, "Nails," Goldberg interviewing

Jim Cramer: I tell ya, a guy who is applying the same skills to money that he applied to sports, it's brilliant! [...] I think people don't think of Lenny as sophisticated, but I am tellin' you, Bernie, that not only is he sophisticated, but he's one of the great ones in this business. He's one of the great ones.

[audience cheers]

[haltingly, with several silent false starts] I won't! I can't! [pulls out a glass jar and screams into it] Dykstra [inaudible]? Are you fuckin' kidding me? [bleeeeeep] [bleeeeeep] [inaudible]! [closes jar, which then tries repeatedly to jump from his hands] We'll be right back!