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Wednesday, August 8, 2007

Trying Something New

So I really pushed my limits today. First off, I am trying a new antidepressant so I'm hoping that this will help me get my emotions under control. And instead of avoiding Katie today, I went at it full force. First, I went to "our" beach for a couple of hours this evening. It was really peaceful even though it was packed. The waves crashing, the wind blowing, the cool sand and smell of the ocean. It has always been my escape and it where we spent every free day we could last summer. And I was ok. The worst part was this family that set up camp beside me: 2 sisters in their 30s (one pregnant) with their 4 children and the grandmother. I actually did ok with that. What caused the problem is that one of the little boys was named James and every time he would get in trouble, I thought the mom was yelling at me. It wasn't quite as relaxing but I dealt!! This evening I pulled a double whammy. While playing The Notebook which we couldn't get through without crying before, I went through the box of Katie's things from her office. It has been sitting in the dining room for months. There were pictures that she'd had up in her office in Tallahassee. I rarely saw her office at Robin's Nest, but I was not surprised to see that she had them here. There were lots of little quotes, her picture of Coretta Scott King, her sparkly fruit picture holders, lost of drawings that her kids had made her and a whole stack of compliments she'd received from her boss and teammates. When I saw the drawings, I realized that God had given her the chance to be like a parent displaying all the crayon and finger painted drawings like they were her own children's.Then comes the movie. I have put off watching this movie until now. I'm still not sure this was right time, but I got through. It was rough, but I made it. I know that it is fiction but I really wish our love could have taken us together. Damn my health! If I could have just been sicker!! But back to my reality that I hate. I can't believe that I'm back at this point. I feel like I did when she died. I have that numb, disbelief feeling. I find myself trying to call her back, begging God to make this a dream--a nightmare.So I leave you with a few words of wisdom that Katie had on her wall. I believe these quotes are from Emerson:

DEFINING THE MEANING OF PERSONAL SUCCESS

To laugh often and much

To win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children

To earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends

To appreciate beauty

To find the best in others

To leave the world a bit better by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition

To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived; this is to have succeeded in life.

3 comments:

Molly
said...

James,I hope you know that this "funk" you are in is normal. I think that every day you feel better than funky is a miracle! II still have so much sadness and regret and painful missing of her, and I often stop to think that what I'm going through cannot compare to your pain. Please know that so many people love you, and you have so many shoulders you can cry on!

James, As frequent visitors to your site we want to thank you for sharing your life with us. We pray for you daily that your pain will be eased. We can relate to the craziness of life - including the IRS - believe me - we had something almost identical happen to us this week: My husband said - he was just beginning to think things were going to calm down and then the IRS comes calling. I hope you will find some comfort in knowing that "complete strangers" are pulling for you.

Welcome

Through the worst tragedy I could never imagine, my life has become what it has become. Through this blog, I will continue to tell my story. Some days are good and many are not, but those are the cards I've been delt and I will continue to play my hand until the Lord makes me fold. Also, I hope that you will learn more about Pancreatic cancer and help bring light to this horrible disease so that other victims will be given more time to enjoy life than my precious wife had.
Happy reading.

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About Me

In September of 06, my wife, Katherine Point Smith (Katie) was diagnosed with Stage IV Pancreatic cancer. She was 32 and pregnant with our first child. Through the CarePages link, you can see my writing during her final days and after. I have created this blog to continue telling my story as I struggle to face reality and learn to live with my "new normals".