The 'teach a child to fish' school of social media behavior

By Steve Fox, Digital First Media

Posted:
09/13/2013 07:12:50 PM EDT

Though Facebook bans children under 13, millions of them have profiles on the site by lying about their age. The company is now testing ways to allow those kids to participate without needing to lie. (Paul Sakuma/AP)

Sooner or later parents will face the inevitable question from their kids: Can I have a Facebook account? The question usually comes around the sixth or seventh grade and is accompanied by some version of the desperate lament: "EVERYONE has it!"

Parents are faced with their own set of questions. Do I wait until 13, as required by Facebook's Terms of Service, or do I bend the rules a little? Where's the cutoff age — 12, 11, 10? Is my child mature enough to handle online communication?

With my son, I relented and allowed him to join in the seventh grade at the age of 12, before he had hit the required age. But just as privilege comes with responsibility, permission came with a few caveats:

He needed to accept me as a "friend."

I needed to have his username and password so that I could go in and read his online conversations.

I stressed that while his online conversations were not public, his postings were. I spoke to him about Facebook being a one-to-many form of communication despite the one-to-one feel.

And, I stressed that he was not to use profanity or launch any personal attacks — or bully — anyone on Facebook.

The last point is a pretty big deal here in Massachusetts. When my son joined Facebook, the Phoebe Prince tragedy was still very much on my mind, as well as that of many parents around the state and the country. The 15-year-old Irish immigrant killed herself in 2010, after being bullied online and in person. After her death and the ensuing media frenzy, Massachusetts instituted some fairly stringent anti-bullying laws.

So, a few months after my son joined Facebook, I was reintroduced to middle school drama. When my son and his girlfriend broke up in seventh grade, I went on to his Facebook account and saw a bunch of the girl's friends verbally attacking him and his friends. One girl's comments in particular seemed overly vitriolic and included her dropping the "N-word."

I took a screen shot of the exchange and sent it to one of the guidance counselors at my son's middle school. Massachusetts law now requires school officials to take action on reports of bullying, even if it takes place outside of school grounds and school hours.

School officials ended up meeting with the girl and her parents, who would later send us a letter saying how appalled they were at their daughter's actions. They had no idea she was behaving so inappropriately on Facebook, and they revoked her account.

So, should parents be closely monitoring their children's activities on social media? Is there a line?

The big issue here is privacy. Teaching your children about how to communicate electronically is an area that I think many parents see as unimportant — or perhaps don't even think of at all. But you're dealing with immature teenagers with impulse control issues. If ever there's a moment for teachable opportunities on how to communicate, it's with social media. I remember one time when my son and his friends were commenting on Facebook — negatively — about a teacher in school. I asked him if he thought there was an outside chance the teacher may see the comment. He sort of got it and took the comment down.

And I think that's the trick: recognizing situations in which kids can connect the dots and see the implications of poor social media choices for themselves: the "teach a child to fish" school of social media behavior. Even so, privacy issues remain. If you have any thoughts on this, please offer them in the comments section, and we will reexamine the topic in future posts.

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