How to Port from the Friendzone to the Boyfriend Zone

Saka started this porting business last year and since then a lot of people have ported to better lives. So in the spirit of all the porting that has been going on in our dear country, I am here to bring good news to all you who have been in the friendzone for a long time.

Yes, you can now port successfully to the boyfriend zone with no additional charges! All you have to do is follow the easy steps I will leave below. But before I go on, I would like to take a few complaints from a few friendzoned guys.

The first is Tari. He says, “I met Betty at a friend’s party and I went instantly crazy for her. I got her number and fixed a date and she accepted. I went all out with the date and we had a blast but when I let her know my intentions, she went ‘oh, I’m sorry, Tari but I think we should just be friends.’ I should have left her then but I kept hoping and three years later, I’m still hoping.”

Jeff says, “Fati is the girl of my dreams but she claims she doesn’t want to ruin a great friendship by dating me. Anytime I ask her out on a date, she brings her friends along. Am I in the friendzone? I want to upgrade. Help!!!”

Guys, the friendzone is a terrible place to be. And it seems more males find themselves there than their female counterparts. Don’t ask me why; I am not a psychologist. My job is just to port you to a better level, and with the following steps, I’ll do just that.

Disappear from her radar. Most guys in the friendzone are annoying creatures that hang around the chicks they like all the freaking time. Somehow they feel constant appearance makes the heart grow fonder. Dude, no. it’s more like ‘guests, like fish, start to stink after three days.’ And you don’t want to stink. So just form scarcity. Disappear with no notice and offer no apologies when you inadvertently ‘bump’ into her somewhere in town. Disappear again and wait for the phone calls from her, for they are surely going to start pouring in.

Make new female friends. And hang out with them in locations that she is familiar with. Women are natural creatures of jealousy. We all know how mothers fight their sons’ wives not because they are not good enough but because they are going to steal the son away and all the attention he used to shower on them. And so it shall be with the lady who has friendzoned you. Once she finds that you can shower on others the same attention you have been giving her, she will start seeing you in a different light and seeking for you once again. No woman wants to be replaced by another. At all.

Upgrade. By now, you should know her preferences in men. And you should upgrade to become even better. Improve your wardrobe, change your signature scent, find new interests. Just become different in her eyes, since the old you didn’t work for her, and she will start seeing you in another way.

Relegate your attention. It is only natural that once you’re in the friendzone, the attention you pay her is way up there. You sacrifice a lot and in the end, get nothing in return. To successfully port to the boyfriend zone, you have to reduce the level of your concentration on her a whole lot. Act disinterested in those things that used to interest you about her in the past. But don’t be an ass; just turn it down a notch. Women notice the littlest things and she will definitely know that something is wrong and start wondering if there is another woman taking her place.

Unfriend her. Sounds harsh? No, not entirely. Unfriend her and treat her like a woman you want. When you’re in the friendzone, you have gotten to a place where she treats you like one of the girls, showing you her boobs but never letting you touch them, undressing in front of you, not caring about her looks around you, taking a poop while you’re there, etc. Guy, you’re in a bad place and since she is not porting you over to the good place, it is your duty to port her to the ‘woman-I-just-met-and-I-want-to-date’ zone. Next time she undresses before you, leave the room. If she asks what color of lipstick you think would match her makeup, tell her ‘you know, I’m just a guy and we don’t care about shades and matching colors; all we want to do is taste the lips.’

Flirt with her. But only subtly, like you’re not even doing it. Look in her eyes a little longer, push her hair behind her ear, tell her she looks beautiful out of the blue, whisper in her ear something that could be said out loud and replace the customary goodnight hug with a harmless peck on her cheek (not both cheeks, you’re not Italian). The idea behind flirting and getting slightly intimate is not so you jump into her pants. She has always known that you would do that given the chance and that is why she came up with the friendzone. What you have to do now is assert that she still looks gorgeous and incredible to you but you’re not looking for an outcome.

Date her. Having done all above, you should be bold enough to ask her out on a harmless date. And don’t go like, ‘Grace, would you like to go out with me?’ Nah. that’s too direct. Check your routine as friends and try to get out of it. Do you guys hang out a lot at hers or yours? Change it. Take her out and do what you both love. People in friendzones like doing what the other person loves and forget themselves. No. Avoid that and do what you two can enjoy. And while you’re at it, act in a manner that outsiders would think you’re an item. I didn’t say you should all out kiss her or act possessive. Just do what a normal gentleman on a date would do.

Tell her how you feel. Now this is the most difficult part but I’m assuming that you have followed all the steps I have laid down and things are going in your favor. If they are not, then be prepared to get the boot and be ready to count your losses because the moment you declare your heart to her and she still isn’t seeing you in the light you want her to, it would be time to leave. So how do you tell her how you feel? There’s no easier way than just doing it. And say it in two or three direct sentences. Don’t give her an epistle and get all mushy. Also, don’t give the ‘I’m willing to wait speech.’ No waiting. Waiting time is over. It’s either she’s yours or not. Give her a few days to make up her mind about it though.

MOVE ON!!! So she still rejected you and you couldn’t port into her boyfriend zone. Not my fault. Connection issues. Just move on. There are many other service providers in the local area network. Good news is you are no longer investing time and energy on a connection that doesn’t work for you. It’s time to go ahead and enjoy your life. And who knows? She might come after you, she might not. But the point is that you have successfully ported away from her friendzone and you are now on your way to another person’s boyfriend zone.

Sally is the author of the Fish Brain series and Boys With Toys. She has written other online series like The Immortals’ Code, No heart Feelings, Novocaine Knights, To Tame a Virgin and In Pursuit of Kyenpia. She lives in Lagos with her husband and kids and loves the occasional bar lounging with friends. She blogs on www.moskedapages.com or you can follow her on Twitter @NovocainKnights