And today, the next set of Couchsurfer rejections. Same deal as last time; I edited down some of the initial emails because they were long and boring. Enjoy!

From: DeannaTo: EliSubject: Palau

Hi Eli, could you host me in April? My dates are flexible. I would probably stay about 4 days. I really want to go diving.

From: EliTo: DeannaSubject: Palau

No problem. Would you like to make some quick cash while you're here? I run a business out of my apartment.

From: DeannaTo: EliSubject: Palau

What kind of business?

From: Eli To: DeannaSubject: Palau
20 dollars for a tooth.
5 dollars for your hair.
16 dollars for 2 pints of blood (must be clean to get the full 16 dollars!).
200 dollars for a kidney.

Also, if you happen to need a kidney, I know a guy and could get you one for $14,000.

From: DeannaTo: EliSubject: Palau
You buy kidneys for $200 and then sell them for 14,000?!

*****

From: Tanner

To: Eli

Subject: Diving in Palau

Hey I'm coming to Palau for a diving trip and need a host for a week in April. Could you host me at that time?

From: Eli

To: Tanner

Subject: Diving in Palau

I'm just going to have to think about this. Can I get back to you later? When would you like my decision?

From: Tanner

To: Eli

Subject: Diving in Palau

Could you let me know by next week?

From: Eli

To: Tanner

Subject: Diving in Palau

NEXT WEEK?! There's no way I could make a decision like this by next week. I haven't even done a background check yet! I think the earliest I'll be able to let you know would be May 15th. Will that work for you?

From: Tanner

To: Eli

Subject: Diving in Palau

Dude. My trip is in April.

From: Eli

To: Tanner

Subject: Diving in Palau

Oh, that would be a problem. For an extra fee I can expedite your review and get a decision by May 1st. Will that work for you?

From: Tanner

To: Eli

Subject: Diving in Palau

An extra fee? No. I need to know before April. How will it help me to know if I can stay at your place in April if it's already May?

From: Eli

To: Tanner

Subject: Diving in Palau

Ok. I can put your application through the super expedited process, which will get you an answer by today. But the super expedited process is a guaranteed decline. Are you sure you would like to do this?

From: Tanner

To: Eli

Subject: Diving in Palau

Yes. Thanks man.

From: Eli

To: Tanner

Subject: Diving in Palau

Decline.

*****

From: Todd

To: Eli

Subject: Host in Palau

Eli, would you be able to host me in May? I'll be coming to Palau and heading to some other islands.

From: Eli

To: Todd

Subject: Host in Palau

Oh Todd. You are an answer to my prayers! I have a few things that I desperately need to send back to the states and I see you are from L.A. Well that's exactly where they need to go! If you stay with me, would you mind bringing them back with you and delivering them to my sister?

From: Todd

To: Eli

Subject: Host in Palau

Shouldn't be a problem. What do you need brought back?

From: Eli

To: Todd

Subject: Host in Palau

You are a LIFE SAVER!

I've got a small piano. (Don't worry--I think the legs can detach. What was I thinking when I had this shipped by boat to Palau!? Cost a fortune!)

I also have about a dozen kitchen chairs that belong to my sister.

I have a few bags of cat food to send over (just 40 pound bags. Nothing too heavy)

And then if you still have room, I have a small Grandfather clock. I actually need this to go to my other sister in Detroit. You aren't planning on making a trip to Detroit soon by chance, are you? I would hate to make you go so far out of your way if you weren't planning on going there soon. My sister will be happy to host you there when you go drop off the clock. And good thing for you, this is NOT the sister with all the cats!

From: Todd

To: Eli

Subject: Host in Palau

Man that's not even possible. How could you think that that is possible?

From: Eli

To: Todd

Subject: Host in Palau

Sorry. The grandfather clock might be a little much. How about if you just take the piano and cat food? And a few of the chairs?

From: Todd

To: Eli

Subject: Host in Palau

I can't bring any of that stuff back. It's way too much.

From: Eli

To: Todd

Subject: Host in Palau

You disappoint me Todd. I'll find someone else.

From: Todd

To: Eli

Subject: Host in Palau

I doubt it.

*****

From: Natalie

To: Eli

Subject: Palau

Could you host me in May?

From: Eli

To: Natalie

Subject: Palau

Well I'm going to have to think about this. I don't want to have any twice up the barrel once down the side situations when you get here.

14 comments:

The last one is pretty epic. Although, Deanna and I had the exact same reaction. I think you are SERIOUSLY underpaying people for kidneys, Eli. You're going to get shoved right out of the black market at that rate.

Oh sweet Eli, I hope you get some laughs out of your shenanigans. Because I heard from my uncle Dick that if you only give and don't receive there is a pretty good chance that you'll turn into a giant chicken.

Dearest Eli, I am posting this, which I hope you to find as hilarious as I, here for a more likely chance that you'd see it. It is in regards to your cranky post from the other day. I'll admit I'd fallen a bit behind, what with being so busy with school and the life I do not have.. You understand. Mayhap you will watch this and find it just as comical (:It's golden.