Your source for pointless, nobody-cares-but-us movie reviews. We grade movies on a 1-10 scale (1 = It sucked my soul out through my eyes and 10 = I'm buying the DVD so I can tuck it under my pillow at night and sing little songs to it.)

Saturday, December 26, 2009

Christmas this year was driving 300 miles, four hours of sleep, watching the nieces/nephew open presents, and playing video games for 13 hours. Oh yeah, and seeing Sherlock Holmes. We went to a theater in Spanish Fork, UT and paid only $6 to see the movie. SIX DOLLARS. For six dollars I would watch practically anything, but paying that little for an opening night movie in a theater full of uptight Republicans, older folks with nothing better to do, and rabid perhaps-slightly-drunk-on-something fan boys just made the experience that much better. Particullarly when the hooting, cheering-at-the-screen fan boys got rowdy and random women in the audience would yell at them to shut up. Nothing quite like an opening night crowd.

All of that aside, the movie was fun, too. First of all, I am amazed at how good Jude Law looks in a mustache and top hat. Really. The guy should reconsider the mustache as a permanent facial element. Secondly, the Ex-Mr. Madonna (director Guy Richie) can really make a movie (so long as Madonna isn't in it) and it was very very well done. Thirdly, I like how Robert Downey Jr. can work for months to perfect his accent and character develpment and everything else but what the audience really wants to see is him acting like we think he acts when he's not Sherlock Holmes (or Tony Stark). We like to see him drinking substances intended for eye surgery, not sounding really British and stuffy. And, since he's a movie star, rather than a stage actor, that's just the way it is. Cary Grant, Humphrey Bogart, Brando, Pachino, Johnny Depp -- we like who we think they are and the character is secondary. Nevermind the fact that who we think they are IS a character, we still like it and them. The in-theater hooting last nightwas most noticible when Sherlock Holmes was drunk, punching someone in the face, or falling out of windows -- very definately flavors of Robert Downey Jr's good-ol' bad old days.

Good times. Anyway, Sherlock Holmes is cool. Makes a costume movie not look costume. Lots of brawling and dirt and jokes and cool looking stuff. Go see it. You'll enjoy it even if you pay more than $6 and aren't serenaded by the neighborhood rowdies.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Woodland Hills (WH): I went to the movies and saw this new one that came out.
Me(ME): Oh really? What one did you see?
WH: Some wolf movie. I didn't get it. It was silly, and not very good. Just stupid.
ME: Wolf movie?? Hmmm....OH WOLVERINE? They took you to see that?
WH: Yeah, and it was just stupid. Just stupid!
ME: It was? Didn't you think any of the men were cute? That is the only reason I would see it.
WH: Well I don't remember if they were. Someone said it was a movie based on a book. That is not any book I would read. I bet it would be silly and Stupid.
ME: At least the Popcorn was good though right?
WH: I didn't buy any. It's a good thing I didn't waste money on THAT as well.

Star Trek

Woodland Hills (WH): Oh I had such a good time at the movies tonight!
ME: Oh really? I Hope it was better then the last one you saw
WH: It was! I was wonderful! It was that Star Trek movie?
ME: I was really looking forward to that one. Do tell, how was it? (I really did say "Do Tell")
WH: Well it was about the Star Trek people, and their kids. They have kids and the kids go into space to save the people there. The Spock was there and his son was on the ship. I was very fun to watch.
ME: So the movie was about Kirk's son, and Spock's son?
WH: yes. It was very fun. I am glad I went!

Harry Potter.

ME: Hi! I am so excited what you thought about Harry Potter. You have waited a long time for it.
WH: Yeah a little bit, but the lady in the room next to me complained we were going to see that movie because she thought it was evil. She refused to go and tried to get a lot of people not to go. I was so mad because I really wanted to see it all summer. I saw the poster at the movies for it.
ME: Yeah...anyway what did you think of the movie.
WH: I kind of...well, really I didn't get it. It was hard to follow. I don't remember any of that when I listened to the book on tape.
ME: Oh really? It followed the story. I thought it was good. It was a little dark though, don't you think?
WH: Yes! They must have filmed that in a very dark studio because it was hard to see a lot of it.
ME: I suppose so, but I meant Dark as Macabre.
WH: Yes.... I meant that too.

Inglourious Basterds

WH: They took us to see this movie tonight. When I asked them what it was about I thought they were talking about a WWII documentary but it wasn't.
ME: WHAT?!?! Uh...what movie DID they take you to?
WH:errmmm...Glorious, uh, Glorious Something.
ME: THEY TOOK YOU TO INGLORIOUS BASTARDS??
WH: oh yes!
ME: Uh...How did you LIKE THAT?
WH: I thought it was very good. It's not a documentary though. It's hard to follow if you are not fast at reading subtitles because there is a lot of those.
ME: did you have a hard time with that?
WH: No I did okay to keep up. I liked it a lot! It was fun. It's not a documentary thought. I think you might like it. It was good, a little violent though. You wouldn't want to take your two year old to it.
ME: I wouldn't take her to the movies anyway. She's two. I TOTALLY wouldn't take her to Inglorious Bastards either.

District 9

WH: There was a part where the guy said the "F" word a lot and I was really sad about it. I had a really hard time even getting through the movie because it I can't stand to hear that.
ME:was it a good story?
WH: I suppose, but really all those "F" words right in a row? I didn't need that filth in my head.

Avatar

Me: did you go to the movies on Friday?
WH: OH! yes that is what I was going to tell you! I saw Avatar. Oh it was so good! It was so magical. It was an alien magical movie.
ME: Really? I was wondering if you would get to see that. So you liked it? that is great! What is it about?
WH: It's about a man destroyed by war, and then he goes to this magical planet, and they were flying and running. It was so wonderful and magical...just so magical. I was so big and magical.
ME: Oh good! Maybe that is one I will have to go and see..
WH: You should! It's just so Magical!

Apparently 3D is WAAAYY too last week for the good people at D-BOX MOTION CODE theater seating. "Polaroid lenses? Pfft! We have hydraulics!" The movie they decided to launch this magical motion technology on the unsuspecting public with is... wait for it... SHERLOCK HOLMES.

Right. Not an undersea adventure. Not Top Gun II. Not The Fast And The Furious 13. Nope, Sherlock Holmes. They had two chairs on which to watch a preview last Saturday. We were privileged to see the Sherlock Holmes trailer while sitting in the D-BOX MOTION CODE chairs (which are available, for an additional fee, at the premiere of Sherlock Holmes on Christmas Day) and we simultaneously came to the same conclusion:

This would be a great idea if I watched movies with my backside.

As far as I know, though, most people just sit on their bottoms and watch movies with their eyes. So, outside an apparently unlimited application in the Adult Entertainment industry (because porn IS where one's pants make most of the decisions) the D-BOX MOTION CODE chairs are a silly idea, particularly for Sherlock Holmes. Natalie and I viewed the unquestionably kick-butt preview for Sherlock Holmes and marveled at how literal our society has become. When an actor on screen appeared to be punched in the face, we were treated to a thump in the corresponding glutious maximus.

Really. I wish I were kidding.

So, if you want to be flung around in your chair in conjunction with the shaky-cam camera work, then the D-BOX is for you. But after trying them my Wave-Of-The-Future scorecard looks like this:3D -- 1D-BOX -- 0

Saturday, December 19, 2009

So the story goes like this: some guy named James Cameron (who wrote/directed/produced/key gripped/catered AVATAR) said 12 years ago that 3D movies were the wave of the future and set out to make a 3D movie to jump start said future. Since he had just finished this little number called TITANIC folks let him do what he wanted -- which apparently was spending 12 years inventing the technology to make a 3D movie that was so amazing no one would ever go to a 2D movie ever again. Ever.

I just spent close to three hours sitting in a dark room with Polaroid glasses on watching the above mentioned 3D flick and...

it was pretty amazing.

I'm still searching for a way to describe it but perhaps DANCES WITH WOLVES set in a jungle/fishbowl as acted by sexy blue tigers covers it. Or perhaps I should say it's almost as good as the best Pixar movie ever made. The 3D really was perfect. Quite a few 3D films make me a bit queasy but this one took the technology to a place where one actually didn't notice it. Which is pretty exciting all by itself. Adding a perfectly, completely, beautifully imagined world to the 3D just made it that much cooler. Sure it's a simple tale based on a heavy-handed environmental message. It's full of images of skinny blue cat people who are remarkably like all the "primitive" cultures on our planet. (Basically every non-Western culture is represented somehow) Some of the hand-to-hand action is logy and Sam Worthington's American accent goes sideways quite a bit toward the end but.. so what? It was cool. I loved seeing 9-foot-tall blue folks on six-legged horses shoot arrows at battleships. I loved the jellyfish seeds, the hammerhead dinosaurs, the leather winged bird lizards, and the omnipresent phosphorescent lighting. I now want to live somewhere that looks like Hawaii in daylight and a black light velvet painting at night!

However running around in a loin cloth covered in glow-in-the-dark paint really isn't a lifestyle choice open to me right now so I suppose AVATAR is the next best thing. Is 3D the wave of the future? If they keep making 3D films this beautiful, it will be.

Student: Bella Swan
Reason for Evaluation: Requested by Renee Dywer, mother.
Chief Complaint: Aspergers Syndrome
History of Present Illness: Diagnosed at age 5
Current Symptoms: Bella exhibits the obsessive interests, difficulty in social interaction, and problems with communication typical in high-functioning Aspergers patients.

Duration: Chronic
Depression: Yes
If yes: Bella's most recent bout of depression was this past winter when the object of her obsession, the student Edward Cullen, was sent to a Juvenile Detention Center for drug possession. Bella's father, Charlie Swan, was concerned by her withdrawal from the few casual social connections she had made in Twin Forks. We reccommended several local psychologists. In follow up with Mr. Swan two months later he reported Bella appeared to have come out of her depressive state, attempting to interact with school friends.

Anxiety: Yes
Panic attacks: Yes
Psychosis: None known

Past Medical History

Medications : none

Family History : Bella was raised with mother for most of her childhood. When mother re-married Bella came to live with her father, Charlie Swan, in Twin Forks, WA.

Social/Developmental/Educational: Bella is quite intelligent and does well in school. Her classmates are quite understanding of her "specialness" and make allowances for her poor communication skills and blank affect. However, Bella has more recently begun an obsessive friendship with Jacob Black, a student at the reservation school, and has begun to interact with his gang. This relationship has triggered risk-taking behaviour and her classmates have reported seeing her riding motorcyles, cliff diving, and standing in the middle of city streets playing chicken with cars.

Mental Status Examination

Appearance: Unkempt

Posture: Stooped

Affect: Apathetic

Speech: Short Answers

Intelligence: Average

Judgment: Questionable

MMSE (Mini Mental State Examination) Score: 23

Status: Bella Swan was absentee from school for three days, (April 24-26th), and Charlie Swan reported she was also missing from home. Bella herself gives no explanation for this event but it is believed to be drug related as Edward Cullen has returned to the school. Their obsessive relationship has begun again, which apparently has put some tension on her interaction with Jacob Black's reservation-based gang, which also deals with illegal substances. We will continue to monitor Edward Cullen, performing routine locker checks and working with his parole officer to attempt to curb any propensities for drug dealing. Mr. Swan has severly restricted Bella's freedoms and we will be working with him to formulate a plan to help Bella make better decisions.

MOVIES I SAW BECAUSE THE ACTORS WERE HOTWolverineTransporter 3Quantum of Solace

MOVIES I'D LIKE TO THANK THE ACADEMY FOR MAKING ME WATCHSlumdog MillionaireFrost/Nixon

MOVIES THAT WERE TOO AWFUL TO BE CAMPY FUNPaul Blart Mall CopI Hate Valentine's Day

MOVIES I FORCED MY SISTER TO WATCH WITH MEBeverly Hills ChihuahuaBedtime StoriesThe Tale of DespereauxTinkerbell and the Lost Treasure

MOVIES MY SISTER FORCED ME TO WATCH WITH HERThe Pink Panther 2

THE MOVIES ONE WAS REQUIRED TO SEE IN ORDER TO BE CONSIDERED A FUNCTIONING MEMBER OF SOCIETYTwilightHarry Potter 6Twilight 2 New Moon

MOVIES THAT WERE ALMOST WORTH THE $1 REDBOX RENTALDragonballBabylon A.D.Inkheart - (sorry Brendan)

MOVIES THAT ARE OKAY WHEN SEEN FOR FREE ON CABLE AND YOU HAVE NOTHING ELSE TO DOMadagascar 2: Escape to AfricaYes ManLast Chance Harvey

MOVIES THAT WERE SURPRISINGLY ENTERTAINING IN SPITE OF LOW EXPECTATIONSNight At The Museum 217 Again

MOVIES I SECRETLY WANTED TO SEE BUT DIDN'TWatchmenFast and Furious 4Terminator 4Year OnePublic EnemiesInglourious BasterdsJennifer's BodyPreciousThe HangoverHappy-Go-LuckyThe WrestlerHotel for Dogs

MOVIES I READ ALL THE SPOILERS FOR ON IMDB.COM SO DIDN'T FEEL I NEEDED TO SEERace To Witch Mountain

MOVIES I DELIBERATELY DID NOT SEE BECAUSE I WATCH ENOUGH BAD FILM AS IT ISTransformers 2Dorian GrayParanormal ActivityAmeliaLand of the LostThe BoxGhosts of Girlfriends Past2012Labor PainsBrünoHannah Montana: The Movie

MOVIES I REALLY LIKED WATCHING ON THE PLANE WITHOUT HEADPHONESJulie & Julia

ANIMATED MOVIES I COULDN'T BE BOTHERED TO WATCH WHICH IS WEIRD FOR MEIgorIce Age: Dawn of the DinosaursG-Force9Cloudy with a Chance of MeatballsFantastic Mr FoxPlanet 51BoltBattle for Terra

MOVIES THAT I KINDA DIDN'T WANT TO SEE FOR SOME UNKNOWN REASON BUT LIKED A LOT ANYWAY AND CANNOT RECOMMEND TO MY MOTHERNick and Nora's Infinite Playlist

MOVIES I MIGHT STILL HAVE A SHOT AT SEEING IN THE THEATER BUT PROBABLY WILL STILL REDBOX/NETFLIXInvictusThe Princess and the FrogImaginarium of Doctor ParnassusPirate RadioWhere the Wild Things AreMichael Jackson's This Is It

MOVIES I'M ACTUALLY EXCITED ABOUT SEEING THIS YEAR (WHAT'S LEFT OF IT)AvatarSherlock Holmes

Hi. I know, I know, I haven't done this in a while. To be honest, I just didn't care. I have lived in Las Vegas for a year now and one doesn't really do movies here. Too expensive. When in the "Entertainment Capitol of the WORLD!!!" (tourist board emphasis) one can find many more things to do than catch a $10 matinee.

However, the library still has stuff for free. =)

So, I watched the King and I with my friend Jill. She found it at the library and picked it up as a "kid friendly" viewing option. It was interesting to watch the film as an adult. I must have seen it at least ten times as a kid. It was a film that my mother rented at least twice a month during my formative years. She would alternate it with The Quiet Man. (From this I believe one can deduce that the Two Sexiest Men In The World, according to my mother, are John Wayne and Yul Brynner. Actually, I think John Wayne was first and good ol' Yul was the exotic "option".)

For those who haven't had the chance to watch these films, I will provide a brief synopsis:

THE KING AND I (1956)
Widow lady from Victorian England travels to Siam to become a schoolteacher for a few dozen of the king's children. Since it's a Rogers and Hammerstein musical, there are adorable children, some pretty ballads, sexual tension, and a King who ends up dying because he's conflicted over traditional ideals vs western concepts. Though it could also have something to do with his relationship to the crazy white lady who didn't want him to whip a runaway slave. He totally showed her! Take that, controlling schoolteacher! HA! Now I'm DEAD!

THE QUIET MAN (1952)

John Wayne is a retired boxer who, after having accidentally killed his opponent in the ring, devotes himself to a life of peace and moves to Ireland. (Which OBVIOUSLY is the place to live a quiet non-violent life.) He meets a strapping redhead, marries her, and then, for some reason, has to drag his wife around and beat up his brother-in-law before everyone is happy. Honestly, I have never understood the movie and I still don't. No doubt it has quite a bit to do with establishing some male hierarchic standing or something. But, even when trying to understand it using Discovery Channel analogys ("the two silver backs roar at each other over the sullen female... ") I still don't really get it. However the background music is really catchy!

Examining these two films, one can't help but see the similarities. They both were made in the 1950's, are set in exotic locales (Ireland, Thailand), center around an emotionally constipated relationship, and showcase culture clash between liberal western ideals and "old world" tradition. Oh, and the leading men are very attractive. So, looking at that, I'm wondering what I absorbed from these movies as a child.

If I'm lucky I just learned that hot men will like you even if you're crazy. =)