“There’s still time to get Bellamy’s” said Packham, rubbing his hands together

After yesterday’s shocking news that the national sperm bank has only nine registered donors, assiduous reporting (and blackmail) have today allowed TMB to bring you the names and motives of the people whose babies will soon be infiltrating the population

Boris Johnson: the Mayor of London and popular comedian donated in order to create a future army of trike-riding Johnsons, who at some unspecified point in time will be activated synchronously to bring about bloody revolution and death to all car-users

Chris Packham: Packham’s extreme racialism has convinced him that only a species composed of supremacist wildlife-enthusiasts deserves to triumph in the war of the survival of the fittest

Moments later Sir David launched an astonishingly savage physical assault

Veteran broadcaster and beloved narrator of natural history programmes, Sir David Attenborough, was taken into care this morning, after he was discovered marching up and down Oxford Street screaming obscenities at people and chanting “YOU ARE ALL FUCKING DOOMED” through a loudhailer.

Sir David was wearing a sandwich board on which he had scrawled ‘The End Is Nigh’ dozens of times, using gibbon excrement.

Research newly unearthed by the Natural History Museum from Captain Scott’s expedition to the Antarctic reveal just how totally fucked up the animal kingdom can be.

George Murray Levick, a scientist with Scott’s expedition 100 years ago was so shocked by what he saw he could only face reporting the hideousness in Greek. Some male Adélie penguins, he reported, have sex with dead females. In fact, they’d sometimes fuck ones who died the year before. Furthermore some would lure females and chicks, screw them and sometimes even kill them. And probably then fuck them again.

Some would even have sex with other males.

“They just fuck left, right and centre.” Wrote Levick. “Fuck, fuck, fuck. That’s all they do. Well, sometimes they eat. And sleep. The rest of the time it’s just a whole lot of fucking. Look, there are some going at it right now. Oh my God, I think I’m going to be sick. That one’s actually falling apart. Dead is dead, you sick fuck!”

King Juan Carlos of Spain has made a sulky apology, after going on a luxury hunting jolly to Africa at a time when his subjects are currently enjoying an unemployment rate of almost 1 in 4.

The monarch admitted he might just have been rubbing it in a tad, but still tried to play down accusations that he maliciously shot an elephant on his hunt in Botswana – an act which has enraged the Spanish public. Just to put that in context, this is a nation of people who like nothing better than gathering around and watching men stab angry male-cows in the head.

Juan Carlos claimed that he had got lost on the motorway in Catalonia, somehow ended up in Africa, and had then been forced to shoot a crazed elephant that was charging at him, in order to preserve his own life.