How To Install Software -- A 12-Step Program

by Dave Barry from his new book "Dave Barry In Cyberspace"

1. Examine the software packaging until you find
a little printed box that explains what kind of
computer system you need to run the software.
It should look something like this:
SYSTEM REQUIREMENTS
2386 PROCESSOR OR HIGHER
628.8 MEGAHERTZ MODEM
719.7 MB FREE DISK SPACE
3546 MB RAM
432323 MB ROM
05948737 MB RPM
ANTILOCK BRAKING SYSTEM
2 TURTLE DOVES
NOTE: This software will not work on your computer.
2. Open the software packaging and remove the manual.
This will contain detailed instructions on
installing, operating, and troubleshooting the
software. Throw it away.
3. Find the actual software, which should be in
the form of either a 3.5-inch floppy diskette or
CD-ROM, located inside a sealed envelope that says:
LICENSING AGREEMENT:
By breaking this seal, the user hereinafter agrees to abide by
all the terms and conditions of the following agreement that
nobody ever reads, as well as the Geneva Convention and the U.N.
Charter and the Secret Membership Oath of the Benevolent
Protective Order of the Elks and such other terms & conditions,
real and imaginary, as the Software Company shall deem necessary
and appropriate, including theright to come to the user's home
and examine the user's hard drive, as well as the user's
underwear drawer if we feel like it, take it or leave it, until
death do us part, one nation indivisible, by the dawn's early light,
...finders keepers, losers weepers, thanks you've been a great
crowd, and don't forget to tip your servers.
4. Hand the software to a child aged 3 through 12 and say,
"(Name of child), please install this on my computer."
5. If you have no child age 3 through 12, insert the software
in the appropriate drive, type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.
6. Turn the computer on, you idiot.
7. Once again type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.
8. You will hear grinding and whirring noises for a while,
after which the following message should appear on your screen:
The Installation Program will now examine
your system to see what would be the best way to render it
inoperable. Is it OK with you? Choose one, and be honest:
+-------+ +-------+
| YES | | SURE |
+-------+ +-------+
9. After you make your selection, you will hear grinding
and whirring for a very long time while the installation
program does God knows what in there. Some installation
programs can actually alter molecular structures, so
that when they're done, your computer has been
transformed into an entirely new device, such as
a food processor.
At the very least, the installation program will create many new
directories, sub-directories, sub-sub-directories, on your hard
drive and fill them with thousands of mysterious files with names
like "puree.exe," "fester.dat," and "doo.wha."
10. When the installation program is finished, your screen
should display the following message:
CONGRATULATIONS
The installation program cannot think of anything else
to do to your computer and has grown bored. You may now
attempt to run your software. If you experience any
problems, electrical shocks, insomnia, shortness of breath,
nasal discharge, or intestinal parasites, you should
immediately *!@!$)$%@&*^^)$*!#$_$*^^&
11. At this point your computer system should become less
functional than the federal government, refusing to
respond even when struck with furniture.
12. Call the toll-free Technical Support Hotline number
listed on the package and wait on the line for a
representative, who will explain to you, in a clear,
step-by-step manner, how to adopt a child aged 3
through 12.
Last Modified : March 18, 1997