Bitter Lawyer's Olympic Opening Ceremony

So the Olympic Opening Ceremony was . . . okay? Probably would have been more enjoyable if I had popped some bath salts or dropped LSD. That giant baby was weird and I don’t understand why there wasn’t a John Lennon hologram. It’s 2012 London — get with the times. Nonetheless it was very British and I guess that’s cool. Still there were a couple things that stood out:

I don’t want to be Captain Obvious but I’m pretty sure Al Gore invented the Internet not Sir Tim Berners-Lee.

Last Place

An alleged serial rapist really got the shaft in court. The man, Dmitry Zubarev, faced some hard evidence, the most damming of which was probably his “severed manhood . . . which was bitten off by one of his victims.” The Russian rocket was deemed impossible to reattach and had been placed in a box to be kept at police headquarters until trial. I don’t know how slow the Russian courts are but that thing had to have Costanza levels of shrinkage by the trial date.

Bronze

Oklahoma City police found Kenneth Irvin Gunn behaving belligerently. Gunn’s response: he told cops he was Justin Bieber and that they were the “white devil.” Okay two things. First, white devil? Ace Ventura 2 was 17 years ago. Nobody gets that reference anymore Kenneth. Second, can’t knock the hustle trying to say you are The Biebs. No police officer that wants to keep his badge would arrest the voice of a generation. Was it a risky move to claim you are the manchild with the golden pipes? Absolutely. But if you pull it off then you are home free. Really it’s the perfect plan . . . right up until the part where Gunn is a 48-year-old black guy.

Silver

“In what only can be considered a freak accident,” a Swedish man had a children’s ride tow hitch penetrate his rectum while he was at a theme park with his two children. The theme park gave him a new pair of shorts, work pants and treated them to lunch. Umm . . . gee, thanks. Usually dinner and a bottle of wine are needed for backdoor action but work pants will do just fine — I suppose. Seriously Sweden, this is why you don’t get the gold. If this was the U.S. of A., this backdoor bumper car bro would have been calling Jackie Childes before you can even say Tea Cup tort.

Do you know how big of a pain in the ass it is to have to deal with kids at a theme park? And that is before you get sodomized by a go-kart. One kid is begging for a funnel cake, the other is whining about the long lines. Spending $8.00 for a thimble of Dippin’ Dots that will melt in 3 minutes. Fuck that noise. Not to mention this guy is probably going to go home and get ripped a new one from his wife for letting his four-year-old daughter drive a “minicar.”