The Who Would Win in a Fight? Game

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Who Would Win in a Fight? is a sport in which contestants speculate about the outcome of a hypothetical match between a set of combatants, for instance, "Who would win in a fight between a tiger and a great white shark?", "Who would win in a fight between an Imperial Star Destroyer and a Federation starship?", or "Who would win in a fight between Wolverine and a Tyrannosaurus rex?" and of course the great ninjas versus pirates argument, "Who would win in a fight between a ninja and a pirate?" Judges award points for correctly predicting the outcome (as determined by computer simulation) as well as providing an explanation for the outcome.

The origins of Who Would Win in a Fight? go back to Ancient Greece, when Zeno formulated his famous "Zeno's Paradox" about a contest between a turtle and the Greek champion Achilles. Granted superhuman strength and near invincibility after his mother dipped him in the River Styx, Achilles was the greatest of human warriors, and could easily dispatch a tortoise. But what, Zeno asked, about a million turtles? Socrates argued that Achilles could easily kill ten thousand turtles, perhaps even a hundred thousand. But eventually his sword would get dull from hacking through turtle shells, his arms would get tired, and he would fall to the ground in exhaustion. Then the remaining turtles would descend upon Achilles and bite him to death. The first game of Who Would Win in a Fight? had just been played.

The game became a favorite at the Olympic games, and it grew so popular that Athenians complained about how the youth of Athens whiled away their days arguing about whether Apollo could beat up Poseidon. Over the years, it only increased in popularity. The game was popular among the poor, because it did not require uniforms, equipment, or playing fields, and it was popular among the idle rich, because it did not require effort. Famous Who Would Win? players from the past century include the British champion Nigel Turlingdrome and the Russian powerhouse Yuri Yakovlev. Yakovlev was known for his devastating fight scenarios, which many players of the game found almost impossible to answer, and in large part due to his formidable talents, the Soviets won the world Who Would Win? cup nine times in a row during the 1970s and early 1980s. However, in 1985, at the height of the Cold War, he was about to get his comeuppance from an upstart newcomer, Andrew Pulowski, a college dropout from Queens, New York.

The match between the American player Andrew Pulowski and the reigning Soviet Champion, Yuri Yakovlev, is widely regarded as one of the most epic Who Would Win? matches in history. Yakovlev opened by asking, “Who would win in a fight between Star Trek’s Borg and The Terminator’s Skynet”? Pulowski furrowed his brow before presenting his analysis: Skynet would win, because “While the Borg controlled multiple solar systems and had interstellar travel, they were ultimately hindered by their need to use humanoid bodies. Skynet could merely nuke the human populations of all nearby star systems to deprive the Borg of reinforcements”. Plus, your average borg was “just a complete and total pussy next to an Arnold Schwarzenegger cyborg, a metallic skeleton or one of those cool robot things with the tracks seen in Reese’s dream sequence”. Surprised and impressed, the judges awarded Pulowski an 8.9.

Pulowski then countered, “Who would win in a fight between the Third Reich and Sauron?” After a twenty-three minute discussion of the industrial capabilities of the Hitler's Germany, the effectiveness of orc columns against Panzer tank divisions and Stuka dive-bombers, and the merits of Sauron’s magical gaze versus German radar, Yakovlev decided it would be a tie. The judges awarded him a respectable 9.3.

Now Yakovlev hit hard at Pulowski with “who would win in a match between Mister T and Superman?” Yakovlev smirked, but his confidence was misplaced. In a flash, Pulowski came back: Mister T by a landslide, because “Mr. T would pity the sun until it turned dark, depriving Superman of its yellow rays, and therefore, his powers.” A hush descended as the marks of the judges went up: 10.0… 10.0… 10.0… 10.0… and 10.0.

It was suddenly clear that Yakovlev was fighting his life. Back and forth the questions flew like arrows, the Russian titan battling the American upstart: Who would win in a fight between James Bond and Yoda? Skeletor and Michael Jackson? Batman, who dresses like a bat, and Ozzy Osbourne, who bites the heads off of bats? William Shatner and a tag-team formed by Richard Simmons and a left handed wombat suffering from late-stage Alzheimers?

Finally, the two contestants pushed to nearly to the breaking point, Pulowski’s turn came again. He summoned up every bit of strength he had and calmly asked: Who would win in a fight between the X-men, a horde of ninjas, a manatee, Optimus Prime, and the original cast of Cheers, versus the entire Jedi Council, a crew of pirates, a colony of naked mole rats, Lucifer, and Oprah? Yakovlev jerked backwards as if he’d been hit by a semi truck.

He stammered… “Oprah would eat the ninjas, Wolverine would take on the pirates himself, but the mole rats would be an even match for Cliff Clavin and… Obi-Wan could deflect Cyclop’s beams… wait, is this the original line-up of X-men? Does Anakin count as one of the Council?” his brain reeling, Yakovlev slumped down in his chair, then slid to the floor. The judges declared it a knockout in favor of Pulowski.