Archive for the ‘Fudgio Montobono’ Category

It was on this date in 1857 that Fudgio Montobono, while crawling through the American desert in the southwest, dying slowly of hunger and dehydration, came upon the Sacred Speaking Jelly Bean Of Our Lady. He was crawling over a group of small cacti, and cursing his laziness as needles and spikes ravaged his stomach and chest when he saw a brilliant golden bean laying in the arid dust. The sunlight glittered off the brilliant surface of the Jelly Bean.

Fudgio was momentarily stunned, and simply stared at the bean.

A drop of precious saliva dripped from his tongue (which was lolling out of his cracked and parched lips) onto the dirt, and dissapeared after a fraction of a second.

Fudgio snapped out of his stupour and snatched up the jelly bean, and was about to gobble it down when it addressed him: wait! wait, good fudgio – son of fucked boy, he who used the planet as a yoyo, do not swallow me down, for i bring you news from the goddess . . .

“News from -ack- news from wh-eackk- sorry. Sorry, I haven’t spok-ack ack ack- much in the last few weeks. Which goddess is this?”

The jelly bean glittered brilliantly and spoke again, seeming to vibrate between his fingers as it did: she what done it all, the beginner of all, the ender of all, the grooves in the vinyl, Eris called Strife, goddess of discord kaos and confusion . . .

“Oh.” said Fudgio. “Well. -Ick- what is her news?”

The jelly bean vibrated once more, and spoke: the goddess has sent me to tell you that there is a regular jellybean fifty feet to your right . . . a regular succulent jelly bean created by man and meant for his satisfaction . . . enjoy it, fudgio, it is your and you deserve it . . .

Fudgio stared down at the golden jellybean. He looked off to his right, but saw nothing. He looked back down at the jelly bean between his fingers, then popped it into his mouth. Then, he stood shakily, and walked fifty feet to his right, where he found a purple jelly bean, and beside that a small trickling spring of water surrounded by grass. Fudgio bent, picked up the purple jelly bean, and popped it into his mouth. He swallowed some water he had cupped in his hand, and smiled at the sky. Water was good, and a jelly bean was good. But two jelly beans were better.

* * * * *

On this same day in the year 5976 Dharma Jam was born into the world, the same world which Fudgio Montobono had used as a yoyo so long before. Dharma Jam has been blessed with the voice and vision of the Sacred Jelly Bean of Fudgio, and she is deemed Keeper of the Sacred Jelly Bean.

The United Church of Canada is saying water is a sacred thing, and shouldn’t be sold like any other commodity.

“It carries great spiritual strength for communities of faith,” said David Hallman, the church’s director of energy and the environment.

The church, Canada’s largest Protestant church, has launched a campaign to persuade people to stop buying bottled water. Already, many of its more than 3,600 congregations have stopped serving water at church functions.

I say hats off to the United Church of Canada! Kudos! Too long have people taken water for granted, acting as if it just sits around in lakes and rivers waiting to be used. Why, the way people mistreat water (Kool-Aid anyone?) would make one think it just falls from the sky.

As Grand Wazoo of the Esoteric Order of Eris, Benignostrictus Magister of Erisian Mysterees, Ambassador of Eris on Planet Earth, and President of the Midgets Fan Club I proclaim that we should go even further, let not water be the only element which is sanctified! Air is the life! We must stop breathing! Too long has air been used and abused by the denizens of planet Mudball, made to fill condoms by unruly fratboys, used to fill speeches by unruly politicians, farted and belched ad nauseam by all.

Do we forget how St. Hubert flapped his elbows in the manner of the funky chicken while chanting “hail eris all hail discordia” in Pig Latin until he achieved enlightenment and took the air? Do we forget how Fudgio Montobono deprived himself of air, then breathed in and out violently until the blessed element gave him the idea to use planet Mudball as a giant yoyo? Do we forget how St. Ray flew through the air on planks of wood meant to imitate skis? These are holy acts, O brothers and sisters, forget not their importance, and forget not the importance of air.

I beseech you, my friends, to stop breathing, let the holy air remain pure. Do not befoul the invisible vapor with your common halitosis. Breathe not!

The book of the generations of the unfortunately named Baron Verulam von Hoopla the Fowler; Episkopos of the Kaufman Cabal; Grand Wazoo of the Esoteric Order Of Eris; Ruler of the Toads of the Short Forest; King of the Booze, and still cooler than a polar bear’s toenails; the son of St.Ray, the son of Camel Toe.

And One-Eye begat Ostrich Boy; and Ostrich Boy begat Susan; and Susan begat Wiley Willie; and Wiley Willie begat the Hamhock; and the Hamhock begat Little Zeke of her that had been the wife of Uranass;

And Tic Toc begat Stubby; and Stubby begat Fucked Boy; and Fucked Boy begat Fudgee-O; and Fudgee-O begat St. Ray the husband of St.Babs of whom was born Von Hoopla, who is called Verluam.

So all generations from Camel Toe to One-Eye are five generations; and from One-Eye until Little Zeke are five generations; and from Little Zeke until Tic Toc are five generations; and from Tic Toc unto Von Hoopla are five generations.

Verily, I say this unto you, the bullshit doesn’t fall very far from the horse’s ass. Fnord.