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Zolton Does Amazon: Invest with the Best

I originally wrote this piece for MediaShower.com, for use on the late, great comedy site ZuG.com. Text and images published here with permission.

Times are tough all over. It seems like every week another country is declaring bankruptcy or defaulting on student loans or begging for change downtown. The economy’s circling the bowl, and spinning most of our cash down with it. It’s enough to send a guy into poorhouse paranoia.

I might not be able to afford stripes on my rugbys? THE HORROR.

Still, we can try to help ourselves. Some financial fat cat once said you have to spend money to make money — Alan Greenspan? Donald Trump? Scrooge McDuck? I forget — so I’ve been on the lookout for shrewd investment tools to get me back on the Money Train tracks. I’m looking to put the “recess” back in “recession” over here. Booyah.

And what better place to turn for advice than trusty old Amazon.com? Read on to see the financial help I found — and my actual Amazon reviews of all the products listed. If you’re looking to put a little weight back in your wallet, you could do worse. (Not much worse, clearly.)

I’ve never understood much about financial theory. I figure when the screaming heads all agree to do something, I should do it — but I don’t always see what they’re so excited about.

Like these pots. All the money wags are yelling, “BUY SHORT STOCKS! BUY SHORT STOCKS!” So I bought a bunch of these stock pots as an investment. Are they short enough? Am I allowed to cook with them? And what do I do with them when the economy recovers? I’ve got no idea.

Eventually, I decided to pour ALL my money into stocks. I’m not so much teh smrt.

I’m just glad they’re not telling me to stockpile Bonds any more. I already own all the DVDs, plus a Roger Moore action figure. Man, personal finance is complicated.

I bought this book because I thought it would help me save “MONSTER MONEY!” with a bunch of helpful personal finance tips. Turns out it’s a kids’ book. Not so much “MONEY that is MONSTER” as “MONEY that’s for MONSTERS.” Which is somewhat less helpful, unless maybe you’re a hobgoblin or kraken or panhandling Mothra, perhaps.

On the upside, those nasty creatures in the book sort of remind me of our current financial situation. So I named them accordingly. The big green one is “S&L Bailout,” the yellow one is “Deficit Spending,” and the unholy chicken-looking thing is “Debt Ceiling Debate.”

I may not have saved any money with this book, but at least the future seems a little less scary. There’s no such thing as monsters … right?

So I bought this kit instead to help me FIND gold. And later learned that where I live, near Boston, there is no gold. Not outside Newbury Street jewelry stores, anyway.

Still, I put the pan to good use. There are plenty of fountains around here, and coins galore to be sifted off the bottom. I may not be rolling in gold, but I’m at least swimming in nickels. Hey, it’s a start.

Thank YOU, fatcat downtown shoppers! If you wished for some doofus to spend your twenty cents on twelve seconds of hookers and virtually no blow, congratulations!

I figured the least I could do is save my money securely. So I bought this bank and stuffed my change into it for the last few weeks. That worked great.

Only now I need to get my money OUT, and the pig isn’t having it. I tried shaking it through the hole in the bottom, sucking it out with a vacuum cleaner, even reaching in with salad tongs like I was playing a game of for-profit porcine Operation. Nada.

Reluctantly, I finally decided to smash the thing with a hammer. Unfortunately, I forgot that the bank’s made of rubber — not ceramic — so instead of breaking it, the hammer bounced back and I smacked myself in the eye.

I don’t appreciate that kind of backsass from my bacon, y’hear?

Now I’ve got a shiner, and all my money for an ice pack is in the stupid pig. I’ve heard of “penalties for early withdrawal,” but this is ridiculous.

I’ma get my money out, or wind up with a gold toof. Either way? WINNING.