THE TEAM: The Christmas Album

(Fade in to a cheesy set where you see two men in ugly holiday sweaters. One is hanging stockings in front of a fireplace while the other is putting ornaments onto a Christmas tree. The first man turns to the camera.)

DAVE DOMBROWSKI: Oh, hello there. I didn’t see you come in. Let me be the first to wish you a very Merry Christmas this fine holiday season! I’m David Dombrowski, President, CEO, and General Manager of the Detroit Tigers. And I think you all know my co-host here.

BRANDON INGE: Hey there, everybody! Brandon Inge, one-time All-Star third baseman here! Gosh, it’s wonderful to see you. And boy, do we have a swell treat for everyone today. Right Mister D?

DOMBROWSKI: That’s right, Brandon. Today, we’re here to tell everyone about the release of our own Christmas album, “A Very Tiger Christmas”, where you will hear all of your favorite Christmas carols sung by your favorite Detroit Tiger players!

INGE: That’s amazing, Mister D!

DOMBROWSKI: Oh, I know. What Tiger fan wouldn’t burst with joy when they find this wonderful collection in their stocking Christmas morning?

INGE: I know I would!

DOMBROWSKI: Me, too, Brandon.

/both laugh for 30 seconds

(contunued after the jump)

DOMBROWSKI: But what kind of stuff will you find on this CD, you ask? Well, we’re here to just tell you about a few of them. First up, a bit of international flair. Did you know they have Christmas in Venezuela, Brandon?

INGE: Golly, no. I didn’t even realize they had electricity there, Mister D!

DOMBROWSKI: Ha ha. Well, they do. And leading off for us today singing “Feliz Navidad” are Venezuela’s own favorite sons, Magglio Ordonez and his good friend, second baseman, Carlos Guillen!

DOMBROWSKI: Well it started out nice, at least. But that’s just the beginning, folks. Right Branderoo?

INGE: Yeppers, boss. Next, we go to a guy who’s been around in the D almost as long as I have! Can you believe that?

DOMBROWSKI: Almost impossible to believe, Brandon.

INGE: Yep. It’s starting pitcher, Jeremy Bonderman, with “Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer”!

BONDERMAN: MAH-MAW GOT RUNNED OVER BY REINDEER! WALKIN’ HOME FROM BONDO’S CHRISMAS EVE! YOU MAY SAY THERE NO SUCH THING AS SANTA…BUT AS FOR ME AND PA-PAW, WE BEHAVE.

/makes sad Bondo face

BONDERMAN: WAIT MINUTE. THERE NO SANTA? WHO LAP DID BONDO SIT ON AT MALL YEDDERDAY? WHO GONNA BRING BONDO NEW SUPER MARIO?

/storms off set

(back to Dave and Brandon)

INGE: Hahaha…he’s not going to be back next year, is he, Dave?

DOMBROWSKI: God, no.

INGE: Swell. Hey, it’s getting cold in here.

DOMBROWSKI: Ho ho…no problem.

/shovels $500,000 of Mike Ilitch’s money onto fire

INGE: Wow! That feels great!

DOMBROWSKI: Indeed, and there’s plenty more where that came from.

/both laugh for 30 seconds

DOMBROWSKI: Say, Brandon. Which Tiger do you think rivals you for most unexplained popularity?

INGE: You gotta be talking about everyone’s little buddy, second baseman Will Rhymes!

DOMBROWSKI: That I am, my friend. And Will is joined by fellow hard-nosed gamers, Dustin Pedroia and David Eckstein, for their rendition of “The Chipmunk Song”. Bench Coach Gene Lamont makes an appearance, as well. Take it away, guys!

LAMONT: All right, you guys. Ready to sing your song?

RHYMES: I’ll say we are!

PEDROIA: Yeah!

ECKSTEIN: Let’s sing it now!

LAMONT: Okay, Dustin?

PEDROIA: Okay!

LAMONT: Okay, David?

ECKSTEIN: Okay!

LAMONT: Okay, William? William? WILLIAM?

RHYMES: OKAY!

ALL: Christmas, Christmas time is near. Time for joy and time for cheer. We’ve been good, but we can’t last. Hurry Christmas, hurry fast. Want a plane that loops the loop.

RHYMES: Me, I want a hula hoop!

ALL: We can hardly stand the wait, please Christmas don’t be late…

(back to Dave and Brandon)

INGE: That was so scrappy!

DOMBROWSKI: Agreed. Time for some more international flair. Up next, we have Taiwanese sensation, Fu-Te Ni with “Deck the Halls”!

DOMBROWSKI: That never gets old. Also included in this limited time deal are Don Kelly singing “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus”, Clete Thomas’s haunting rendition of “Oh Holy Night”, and Danny Worth’s “All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth”. Sadly, no one cares about any of them. Thus we move on. You know what’s next, Brandon?

INGE: Yessir! It’s the skipper, isn’t it?

DOMBROWSKI: Don’t you know it! What Tiger Christmas collection would be complete without the manager himself, Mr. Jim Leyland. Now Jim can be grouchy sometimes, isn’t that right, Brandon?

INGE: Don’t I know it! Especially when he goes more than ten minutes without a smoke!

DOMBROWSKI: Uh huh. He could be described as a lot of things when in those moods. Including…a Grinch.

DOMBROWSKI: Agreed. And JV is just as intense about the holidays. And he’s included in this collection singing “Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer”!

INGE: My favorite!

VERLANDER: (gives death stare)

VOICE OFF SCREEN: Justin…that’s your cue!

VERLANDER: (continues death stare)

VOICE OFF SCREEN: Justin! Justin!

VERLANDER: Deer.

/begins sharpening knives

VOICE OFF SCREEN: C’mon, Justin…

VERLANDER: Kill.

/continues sharpening knives

(back to Dave and Brandon)

/both look horrified

DOMBROWSKI: Okay. We’re almost out of time, but we’ve got time to tell you all about two more classics included on “A Very Tiger Christmas”. Right, buddy?

INGE: Yup. Next we have fireballing relief pitcher, Joel Zumaya, singing the swinging favorite, “Rocking Around the Christmas Tree!” Is that a guitar?

DOMBROWSKI: Sigh. It’s a fake one…

INGE: Oh. He has a whore with him, too. Lovely.

ZUMAYA: Rocking around the Christmas tree at the Christmas party hop.

/pretends to play fake guitar

ZUMAYA: Mistletoe hung where you can see ev’ry couple tries to stop. You will get a sentimental feeling when you hear…voices singing let’s be….OWWW! MY SHOULDER! F-CK I DID IT AGAIN!

/walks off crying

(back to Dave and Brandon)

INGE: Maybe this wasn’t a good idea, sir.

DOMBROWSKI: Eh. It was bound to happen either way, Brandon. Our final song in this infomercial is an old favorite of mine. Many of you may recall an unfortunate incident late last year between AL MVP runner-up Miguel Cabrera and his lovely wife, Rosangel.

INGE: I don’t.

DOMBROWSKI: It was past your bedtime, kiddo. Anyway, to show that all is fine between them, it’s the Cabreras with “Baby, It’s Cold Outside”!

ROSANGEL: I really can’t stay…

MIGUEL: Baby, it cold outside.

ROSANGEL: I’ve got to go ‘way…

MIGUEL: Baby, it cold outside.

ROSANGEL: The evening has been…

MIGUEL: I hopin’ you’d drop in.

ROSANGEL: So very nice…

MIGUEL: I hold you’re hand, it like ice.

ROSANGEL: My mother will start to worry…

MIGUEL: Hey, beautiful, what your hurry?

ROSANGEL: And father will be pacing the floor…

MIGUEL: Listen to fireplace roar.

ROSANGEL: So really, I’d better scurry…

MIGUEL: Beautiful, please no hurry.

ROSANGEL: Well, maybe just half a drink more…

MIGUEL: Put music on while I pour.

ROSANGEL: The neighbors might think…

MIGUEL: Baby, it bad out there.

ROSANGEL: Say, what’s in this drink?

MIGUEL: No cabs to…

ROSANGEL: NO! I’m serious! What is this? Miguel, you promised!

MIGUEL: Uh oh. But it Christmas?

ROSANGEL: You sonofabitch!

/starts cursing in Spanish and punching Miguel in the face

/cut to black

(back to Dave and Brandon)

DOMBROWSKI: I hate this team.

INGE: Even me, boss?

DOMBROWSKI: Sigh. Well, folks, we’re just about out of time. But be sure to head over to the official Tiger shop online and pick up your copy of “A Very Tiger Christmas”. Now how much would you expect to pay for something like this, Brandon?

INGE: I don’t know. $19.99? $14.99?

DOMBROWSKI: Ha. Obviously you haven’t been to the online Tiger shop in a while. Yes, you can all own “A Very Tiger Christmas” for only $79.99! What a deal!

INGE: Wow.

DOMBROWSKI: Well, folks, thanks for watching. Get your copy before they sell out. From our families to yours, we wish you all a Merry Christmas!