How
is new mommyhood treating Shakira? The singer tells Us
Weekly she's got a "great, great" baby. It's super, really. But just one
little complaint. "Nobody told me it would be this hard. It takes a lot
of energy from you." SIGH. Really. NOBODY told you it would be this hard?
Because maybe it's just me, but before I became a mom, all I ever heard was
put on your big-girl pants, because motherhood will kick your ass.

You know what? I just can't. I cannot with the new moms who are shocked,
SHOCKED! To find out motherhood is some actual, you know, work. And so I give
you: An open letter to new moms who didn't know motherhood would be "so
hard."

NOTE: This is a parody of an email written by a sorority sister that went viral last week.
We would never be this mean to you new moms, who just need a lot of support and
encouragement. And we're actually really happy for Shakira and wish her the
best.

Dear clueless new moms,

Put the baby to bed, sit down, and get ready for the metaphorical bitch-slap
of your life.

For those of you living on another planet, which is apparently a lot of you,
I have a newsflash: MOTHERHOOD IS REALLY F***ING HARD, and we've been telling
you this for, like EVER. Where the HELL have you been? How many mother-f***ing
blog posts do we have to write, bitching about everything from leaking, cracked
nipples to colic that lasts six months, before you'll get a F***ING CLUE?

Are your eyeballs allergic to parenting articles? That's not a rhetorical
question. I LITERALLY want you to leave a comment below if your eyeballs F***ING
BLEED every time they glance upon a headline mentioning PARENTING. Do you
seriously NOT KNOW a single other person who has EVER been an actual parent?

If you're reading this right now and thinking to yourself, "But oh em gee
Adriana, I'm so in love with my baby! How can something so small and adorable be
so much work?" please slap yourself upside the head so I don't have to reach
through the computer and do it for you.

Your baby does not give a flying f*** how much sleep you lose, how sore your
whole body is, how much you gag when you change diapers, how sad you are that
you can't have nice things anymore. You have 18 years of active parenting ahead
of you. More than that, if you go and get knocked up again or if adulthood
doesn't "take."

WHO THE F*** TOLD YOU MOTHERHOOD WAS EASY? Who was that motherf***er. Tell
me. Because I will f***ing drop-kick the next person I hear saying something
like that. I will tattoo "Stop being a motherf***ing cockblock for parenting" on
their forehead. They are HORRIBLE PR FOR PARENTHOOD and they need to cut that
shit out.

In conclusion: ALWAYS! BE! CLEANING UP!

Were you surprised at how hard parenthood is, or did you see that one
coming a mile away?

I'm a newbie & it's not too difficult, YET! ds is 2mo and even though I'm engaged, I feel like a single parent. shit, I feel like df is my first child. but even though I constantly have a baby in my arms, the only time I get anything done is when he naps & I don't get to bed until 2-3am, I'm not taking anything for granted! I'm dreading the teenage years :( THAT will be the hard part.

Honestly, I don't believe parenthood is hard...right now. It has been quite awesome for the last two and a half years, DD is 2.5 y/o. However, DF and I are expecting our second child this year, so I know it's going to get challenging. I am preparing myself now so hopefully when baby gets here I won't be as overwhelmed.

I knew it would be very hard, but it's not hard in the ways I expected. I expected: sleepless nights, days without showering, endless colicky crying, sore and cracked nipples. I didn't get any of that. Instead, I got: inability to watch the news because there are always missing, murdered, or abused children, fear of what the world will be like when my daughter is older, never knowing whether it's an ear infection or just teething, whether she has learned to fake cough or if it's real. Sometimes there is an almost overwhelming fear that tomorrow she won't be with me. I don't think the unconditional love, and paralleled constant worry, is something that you can ever truly be prepared for unless you have already had a child.