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As entertainment critic Roger
Ebert once said, "If you disagree with something I write, tell me so, argue
with me, correct me--but don't tell me to shut up. That's not the American way."

So after facing our cast of intrepid extras who were just taught which direction to point the camera in, our aspiring deaders get to watch Gordon go kissy-face. Really, what is it with this family and cheesy disguises?

Banana. Leaf. (It's from Northern Hallucination!)

Don't wear heels in the kitchen... or tattoo the show's logo onto your body without knowing you won't be out first...

>After seeing the redesign on the >living quarters, I just swore. > Gah. What's the >writing on the walls say? > Abandon all pattern coordination, >ye who enter here? >Wasn't the redesign a challenge on HGTV's Next Design Star?

Both teams throw sleep out the window to watch Gordon's wee hour tutorials.

The women throw their dignity away during the punishment: serving the men breakfast in bed. (Salvatore thinks he's getting this every morning. Salvatore has tossed his sanity.)

We reach the service, and? Food gets tossed. Undercooked. Overcooked. Burnt. Raw. Seasoned onto nuclear with Way Too Much Curry. Crab dumped into the lobster risotto. Maria starts to have a giggle breakdown. Fran goes for the nervous variety. And Gordon realizes he's going to need multiple eliminations really early, then tosses three women out of the Red kitchen. (Jamie goes just to make things funnier.)

Benjamin. Salvatore. Stacey. Mikey. Watch them fall. In pairs, then one at a time, Gordon tosses them out of the kitchen. The remaining chefs are shoved together into one unit, in the valiant-but-stupid hopes that all the deadweight is gone. Perhaps a dinner service can be completed. Maybe the patrons won't dive out the windows to save themselves. There's a chance that if we spend any more time in the suite, we'll get to read the writing on the walls, which probably works out to 'Welcome Losers One And All.'

I wish I could buy Scott for what he's worth and sell him for what he thinks he's worth.

The women lost? Really? What was the criteria? Less people thrown out? Sure, that'll work... plus Ed was the rallier in the group, so he might have saved it for the blue. Gosh, how are the women ever going to narrow this down to a pair of nominees? And how long can Gordon restrain himself from just tossing the lot? It's been one episode and I already want to dump at least six...

This is where I thought Chef Gordon should have re-drawn the teams - the seven loser chefs get the best male chef just to balance the teams by gender. Kind of a Hell's Kitchen meets Bad News Bears.

That said, they both lost - and WTF was with Autumn being the best of the worst? Did Chef Gordon just pick based on which team got the fewest people kicked out? Autumn was nothing more than a cheerleader for her team until she got thrown into the hellstorm. Sadly, though, there are so many useless sacks of poop on her team that she'll stick around.

Stacey vs. Fran. Fran offers to show Gordon her @#$$%. No one particularly wants to see Fran's @#$$%, but the offer must have either vaguely intrigued Gordon or set up a Discovery Health special to be named later, because she's the one who stays. Stacey? Just gets to be the lucky one.

Next week: a contestant named Siobhan doesn't know when to stop screaming. Gee, that's never happened before...

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