THINGS I LOVE TO HATE

I’m a pretty positive person most of the time. Most of the time I like to think I look at life with a pretty sunny, Pollyanna-y disposition Sometimes though, things are just unavoidably bloody annoying though. I don’t mean huge life-altering moments of woe, or things that make you so angry that you have to have a Pantrum (like a tantrum, but you feel so mad that there’s nothing left to do but pull down your pants), but just niggly annoying THINGS. Pet peeves if you will. And as it’s Monday morning I thought, what could be better than having a bit of an unadulterated WHINGE? Disclaimer: I cannot be held responsible for the amount of unashamed caps locks going on here, this thing practically wrote itself.

1. 1. When someone calls you, and you just miss it, and then you call them back, and then they don’t answer. I KNOW YOU HAVE YOUR PHONE IN YOUR HAND, YOU JUST CALLED ME! Unless you called me, and were so annoyed that I didn’t answer that you immediately had a fit of rage and tears you flung your phone into the river. Unlikely.

1. 2. Drinks in the wrong vessels. Coffee lives in a mug, not in a glass (I’m looking at you, you smug latte glass.) Water should never be drunk out of a mug. The only situation where this is okay is at student house parties where literally anything goes chalice-wise. If it holds liquid, it can be supped from. There’s photographic evidence of me at parties at uni drinking vodka out of saucepans, sports bottles and jugs. Swell times.

1. 3. Next door’s cat. This devil feline waits until it’s the weekend, then stands outside and I KNOW she is saying, “Oh you have a lie-in? Well, hey, let me take this moment to sing you the song of my people”, and gets all Dame Kiri on us. Thanks pal.

1. 4. Wasps. They’re such pricks. You couldn’t go for a pint with a wasp could you? You could with a bee, bees would be well safe to go for a beer with, but not wasps. Wasps would never pay for a round and they’d buy a bag of crisps but not tear the bag open so everyone could have some. Pricks.

1. 5. Powdery apples. APPLE YOU HAVE ONE JOB- TO BE DELICIOUS. When you bite into what looks like a Snow White-esque vision of fruitacious (is that a word? It is now.) loveliness to taste what can only be described as apple sawdust, it doesn’t half put a downer on the day.

1. 6. Trying to find the end of the roll of sellotape. Oh sure, you can put people into space, but can’t solve that? Good one science.

1. 7. Side-zips on clothes. They always stick on the seam, and then you pinch your skin trying to get a good run at it with your elbow cocked in the air and then you yelp and then you get panicky and hot because what if you get stuck inside the dress in the fitting room and you have to get the assistant to come and help you out. Nightmare.

1. 8. Clear bra-straps. FYI ladies, we can see them. It looks like two weird strips of skin that are slightly indented and very, very shiny. Peculiar and more eye-catching than if you were to wear just a normal bra.

1. 9. Toe socks. I AM SORRY BUT WHY DO THESE EXIST.

10. Sweet and savoury things together. I know this will cause contention but, who the fuck was eating a lovely gammon steak one day and went, “I know what will make this slab of tasty, salty meat better…A MASSIVE SLICE OF EXOTIC FRUIT.” In my head, it’s just wrong. (#applesandcheese to join this important debate on twitter.)

11.When people say “champers” instead of champagne, and “let’s go for drinkies” or even WORSE “drinkie-poos”. Just so hideous.

12. Heads up YouTube: I will always skip the advert.

13. When cashiers give you your change on top of your receipt and you have to do the weird juggle of carrier bags, handbag, purse, receipt and change. EVIL.

14. That awkward moment when someone starts a tweet with ‘that awkward moment when’. Also the King of Social Media Passive-AgressiveLand, the #justsaying hashtag, must end NOW.

15. Your/you’re, there/their/they’re, loose/lose, to/too/two. If you don’t know it, a simple way of remembering it, is to learn it.

So there you have it, those are my top annoying things that I LOVE to hate. PHEW I feel better now! PLEASE tell me yours and let’s unite in our loathing of peevy niggles (sounds like a snooty character from an Enid Blyton boarding school book doesn’t it? “Watch out, Peevy Niggles will report you to Matron if you’re caught out of bed!”) Right better go do some work.

Re: YouTube. If you skip the advert they don’t pay for it. I make a point of watching IN FULL adverts for companies I hate.
I will sit through a 3 minute video for some shitty world destroying product just to watch a 30 second video of a cat and know that it cost Cunty Cola money. I’m that much of a dick.
It’s the little things…

I would add:
People that don’t STAND ON THE RIGHT
People who stop at the bottom of escalators
City boys who talk loudly in public places about their plans to ‘really break the Chinese market’ and keep saying their own ideas are ‘innovative’
People that leave lights on and things on stand by
Most landlords and estate agents
People who don’t replace toilet rolls

I will eternally be in awe of the Pantrum. And jealous beyond belief that I didn’t come up with the word. I do hope you have submitted it to the Oxford dictionary, etymologically speaking these things MUST be documented.