PADRES’ REP FOR ALL-STAR GAME? IT’S NOT PLAYER YOU’D THINK

The University of Phoenix has a valedictorian, Marisa Tomei has an Oscar, and on Saturday, the Padres will have an All-Star.

This is inevitable under Major League Baseball law as we know it.

The question now becomes: Who will it be? With no Friars among the top five National League vote-getters for any infield position (including catcher) and with none among the top 15 for the outfield, who most deserves those extra nine innings of joy in July?

It’s not an easy question to answer, so maybe it’s best to work backward on this one. Perhaps the approach here should be to start with who should most definitely not be allowed to enjoy Citi Field’s surroundings.

We know, for instance, that Edinson Volquez’s 5.50 ERA instantly removes him from candidacy. We know the same is true of Mark Kotsay’s 18 total hits this season and Huston Street’s 0-4 record.

Chris Cannizzaro may have been the Padres’ inaugural All-Star despite hitting .245 with two home runs in the first half of 1969, but not even those numbers could give the aforementioned trio hope.

Besides, looking at stat lines of Padres past can be in exercise in insanity. Just ask Chase Headley and Yasmani Grandal.

The former led the NL in RBIs last season, while the latter socked eight home runs and hit .297 through his first 60 big-league games. This year, however, Headley is batting .218, while Grandal has cleared the wall just once.

So those two are out of All-Star contention, as are Will Venable (.221), Nick Hundley (.239) and Jesus Guzman (.226) — all of whom fall short of the esteemed Cannizzaro line.

Alexi Amarista’s average is up from .240 last season to .246 this year, but he’s still well short (sorry) of All-Star caliber. Kyle Blanks is having the most productive season of his career, but he still should be very much part of the All-Star break.

Jason Marquis, meanwhile, owns a 9-4 record that’s tops among Padres pitchers, but the fact that he has an ERA of 3.74 and leads the majors in stranded runners means that he should be stranded from the Midsummer Classic.

So who remains?

Carlos Quentin, who has found a semblance of power despite missing 24 games because of a combination of injuries and maniacal mound-charging? No.

Chris Denorfia, whose reliable-but-never-distinct offense is the Timex of the major leagues? Uh-uh.

Jedd Gyorko has been promising in his rookie season, but not prodigious. Joe Thatcher has logged the statistics of a star, but not the innings pitched.

Tyson Ross? Mediocre. Eric Stults has been middling, and Luke Gregerson’s ERA has soared from 0.98 to 2.60 in less than a month.

Which leaves us with two players who are nearly a foot apart in height but neck-and-neck in this race.

The first is Everth Cabrera, the shortstop who’s hitting .305 and leads the NL with 31 stolen bases. The second is Andrew Cashner, the starting pitcher who has posted a 5-3 record with an ERA of 3.31.