A blog of random thoughts related to adoption, teaching small children, sibling death, and then, on occassion, other not-so-significant happenings.

Monday, September 21, 2009

Happy Birthday Brandon!

Today is my baby brother's 37th birthday. It also marks the second year that he's celebrated his birthday with Jesus. This time last year, he'd been gone from us a mere 17 days....it was all so new. So hurtful. So raw. So mind-blowingly empty. As you know, I spent the better part of last year not being able to breathe. I just felt like I had the biggest weight on my chest and no matter what I did, I could not get a breath. I've heard heart-attacks described in this way. I believe it. I look back and know that I was carried by God's grace, by good friends and on the wings of angles. There is no way I could have walked on my own. Nor could I have made a decision, had a thought that was rational or cohesive or smart. It's a wonder I could drive or make legally binding decisions. You know, like when you have surgery and any important decisions are not legally binding until after the anesthesia wears off....

So today, one year later, I find myself shocked that this date has rolled around again....without Brandon.

I've spent a lot of time wondering and worrying about all of the things Brandon missed out on by not being here...last year, we took the Little Prince on a (previously planned and paid for) trip to Disney World, shortly after Brandon died. I remember being in the "happiest place on earth", surrounded by fairy dust and magic, and being utterly despondent that Brandon had never gotten to go to Disney World. "He never saw the magic! He never got to experience this.......He never....." and then, right in the middle of my crying and wailing and misery late that night, in the happiest place on earth, I realized that Brandon got so much MORE.......

Look at all the things that he's doing now. Imagine the wonders he's seen and the things that are clear to him now that he's in Heaven. It was crystal clear. I did not need to be sad that Brandon was not experiencing Disney's magic......he was experiencing HEAVEN....with Jesus......I could feel him smiling and nodding his head....you've got it Seester....now you see......

I really had to stop and think about that. I'm the one who should be sad for myself that I have to wait. Brandon is not missing out....he's right in the thick of it all...no more sorrow.....no more pain....no more "what-if's"....He's got all the magic in the universe.....