Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Anime and its dangers

Taking a look at the world and the Internet these days - being careful enough to avoid Myspace, as professional researchers have finally concluded retardation is Internet-transmited -, I realize I must've slept through some meeting or maybe missed a memo , because I haven't been informed that every single living person with access to a Torrent client and Divx codecs must absolutelly worship every single piece of animation that happened to be made within the Japanese territory.

All my efforts into understanding this phenomenon have been in vain. Sure, Japanese cartoon (referred to the insiders as "anime", which sounds like a Roman demon with hemorroids) are widely known to be the world leaders in categories such as "boring fights that take place in front of colored lines" and the critically-acclaimed "displaying eight billion collors per second and sending thousands into a epiletic seazure and maybe resulting in a class-action lawsuit", but still, this does not explain how it was possible for the Oriental culture to sneak up on us the way it did. I mean, if World War II taught us anything, is that Japan is formidable at invading countries and sinking battleships. We should've been prepared!

There is a group behind this invasion. This group calls itself "The Brotherhood of Otakus Extraordinaire". But to understand all facets of this social matter, one must first delve into the mind and the world of the common "otaku".

Who is an otaku? Anyone could be an otaku. Your mother, your next-door neighbour, your accountant, your dog, no one is safe. Maybe even your safe is an otaku - if you notice it's acquired the habit of squiting and making the peace sign when you take its picture, you might consider getting a new safe.

Even you could be an otaku; if you have ever bought a incredibly stupid article of clothing simply because there was a japanese ideogram somewhere on it, otakumania might have already claimed your life, as it has done to many other who were forced into watching Inuyasha because "C'MON TOMMY, EVERYONE IS DOING IT LOL!!!11"

Your average otaku is white, 14-18 years old (older specimens have been found in the wild), collects those hideous japanese comic books which require you to throw all dignity aside and read it backwards, spends countless hours learning trivial japanese phrases which will be promptly misused next time the subject meets with other otakus to discuss the latest Naruto fan-made video montage, proclaimed to be the very best since all the other 367 they downloaded last night alone. Otakus also have been noticed to add the sufixes "chan" and "kun", as well as other Satanic and Anti-American words to the names of their brethen, as a way to identify members of a cult of something of that nature. These people often break court orders and gather in public places, much to the contempt of the normal society, which frowns upon any group of people who dresses like an surreal art project gone terribly wrong and masturbates to cartoon pornography. I mean, seriously, how can you consider someone who authored this atrocity a right-minded individual? This is the kind of thing that made Europeans start all-around human barbecues back in the Medieval Times. And guess what, there was no more anime in 1400 England. Coincidence? I think not!

Now that you have learned how to properly identify an otaku and its traits, it's time to develop a fighting strategy. Make no mistake; the otaku frenzy is destroy the memory of REAL cartoons with which we grew up. If you and I don't make a stand, by the time the next Dragon Ball Z OVA is released on, no one will remember names such as Optimus Prime and Cobra Commander.

Resist. Otakus are known to have a pathological attraction to the defunct Real Video format (as well as a pathological attraction for drawings of tentacles raping antropomorphic cats). As we all know, Real Player was designed by Osama Bin Laden himself in yet another attempt to destroy Western freedom and install third party software which embed horrible search bars in your browser. As long as you stay away of such software, anime can't touch you. Garlic and crosses might help, also.

Help. An otaku might not be a person in the ethical sense of the word and not enjoy the Human Rights you and I hold so dear, but that's still not enough reason to cut them in half with a rusty chainsaw. Do as Jesus would do and love them or walk on water or expel merchants from a temple or start a holiday to honor your birthday or something. HOWEVER, if said otaku ever shows up at your home bringing a mix CD compilation of his favorite J-rock bands, rest assure no jury in the WORLD would convict you from removing their spine with a nailfile.

Spread the word. Send this blog to all your friends. We must bring this invasion to an end.