SANTA CARLO, CA — A revealing new report on privilege in America was published by a research team at Santa Carlo University on Wednesday. Researchers conducted the study with the goal to find recurring traits in those who enjoy extreme privilege in America. The results were more or less predictable: the very people griping about privilege all day are by far the most privileged people on the planet.

“We found that if an individual spends their time doing things like sitting around on Twitter telling white people not to eat Thai food, or men to quit trying to get jobs, or Asians to quit getting such good grades, then there is a good chance they are the beneficiaries of a highly privileged society,” said lead research administrator Susan Perry. “The consistent through-line we found was boredom. Privilege leads to boredom, which leads to looking for things to gripe about, and many people choose to gripe about perceived privilege issues,” she added.

“We’ve uncovered a loop. The more privilege people have, the more unprivileged they feel,” said Prentice Henson, another researcher on the project. This privilege loop has become known by researchers as the “spoiled bunch of crybabies” effect. “It turns out if you are looking at your insanely wealthy, free society that is full of opportunities for all, you should take a deep breath, quit your whining, and be thankful.”

“There is a consistent pattern of joylessness, boredom, and self-hate at work here,” said psychologist Carl Menton, who helped write the study. “These people just can’t stand themselves. What they need most is probably a hug, if they didn’t find hugs so micro-aggressive.”

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