Breaking: Election 2016 GOP Talking Points Leaked

Dateline: October 2, 2016. The Republican National Committee (RNC) will not confirm or deny reports that its email was hacked, but has confirmed that talking points on next month’s presidential election intended to reach only a few hundred influential Republicans were obtained by multiple media outlets:

When asked about polar bears in leading ways, such as: “Now that polar bears are extinct in the wild…,” point out that the failure of scientists to locate them in the wild does not mean there are none. Insinuate that scientists’ ideologically driven certainty that there is no longer enough ice to support bears is causing them not to look hard enough.

If the Maldives is mentioned point out that they were the lowest islands on the planet and had long been suffering from erosion. Suggest that the government of the Maldives was corrupt and misused its resources. Mention mining––there was sure to have been some.

Avoid talking about any general climate changes, make everything local, and insinuate that local actions are responsible for any “alleged” changes. Do not use the term “global climate change” and if you must talk about it call it “global warming” while raising your voice and eyebrows slightly on “warming” to point out that some places are cooling. Always use qualifiers such as “so called” and “alleged.”

If asked about the lack of any Democrat running for any office in Texas, use words like “scandal,” “unfit,” “soft,” and if pressed mention John Young, the late Texas Democrat who gave a staffer a raise after she gave in to his sexual advances. It was in 1976, but when you note him as the late Congressman it’s likely to put an end to that line of questioning. Also, point out that in 2003 more than 50 Texas Democrats fled the state to block legislation. It was a GOP-backed redistricting plan, but don’t say what it was. Insinuate that it was something to help Texans. Do not say the word “redistricting” and if anyone uses the term “gerrymandering” use words and phrases like “voter fraud,” “Democrats deserted Texas before,” and “when ACORN was giving advice on prostitution.”

You will hear about “overcrowding in classrooms,” and you should immediately point out that only the few dozen remaining public schools are experiencing this, that by eliminating waste in the Department of Education Republicans encouraged the creation of independent schools and that the problem can be solved by eliminating the rest of the department. Insinuate that the three people who make up the department are considering job offers in the private sector.

Talk about how much better Kentucky looks flat. Refer to it as the new Iowa, and insinuate that a company has plans to use the sterile soil of Iowa to make space-glass for mobile devices.

Finally, whatever the topic, be sure to slip in thanks to Wall Street World Theme Parks for hosting forty-three of the forty-four Republican primary debates.

Comments

…and if anyone asks you what your policy on Libya would be, change the subject to reference your sex scandal, so long as it contains mysogonistic overtones guaranteed to endear you to your angry, middle-aged, divorced male base.