Thursday, January 29, 2009

The cleaning lady came early so I had to get lost and now I'm just hanging out on the patio of my favorite coffee place. They also happen to have THE BEST chocolate chip cookies! I'm not eating one though! Gosh! I DO have some willpower. (is that one word or two? I am VERY unfamiliar with the term) I do however have one in my bag. As a treat! I worked out WAY hard. My arms are shaking as I type. So YAH! I deserve a little (even though it's kinda big) treat!

I had one of those nights last night where I was teaching a class FULL of total freaks. It's weird. They kinda group together in packs. Like the powers that be that make the world go 'round somehow shuffle them all together in one spot called MY CLASS. I feel like it's a personal affront. Like, it means something that I attract all these freaky people! My one friend said it's because I seem very accessible and friendly. She followed that with "....because if they ever really got to KNOW you they would see how WRONG THAT IS!!!!!!!!" then she threw her head back and laughed hysterically.

FREAK 1....it's appropriate that he is #1 because he was wearing a onesie. Yah. that's right. A full grown man. he was wearing a yoga Mansie. HE was also wearing shorts. But when I went to adjust him as he was bending over I saw it. I thought his shirt was just tucked into his whities. Was hoping. So I full on stared and examined him. It was a onesie. HOT.

FREAK 2.....was an old woman wearing weird little black fingerless gloves AND toeless feet gloves. Do they call them gloves for feet? Toeless. gloves. AND she was wearing a weightlifter belt. One of those big brown ones with a giant buckle!? AND two huge square shaped dumbbells. And she would grab them in downdog and plank and if we were doing something like a lunge say, she would grab her dumbbells and be all doing reps. I don't even know what style of yoga she usually does, but it must be pretty damn serious.

FREAK 3&4....were old lady bff's. They were anywhere between 60-80. They both had CRAZY plastic surgery....boobs/lips/botox/facelift, BAD bleached blonde hair, FULL make-up with hot pink lipstick...AND were wearing little skimpy clothes. I assume they do yoga to "stay young." It's not working ladies. It's just not.

FREAK 5....isn't so much a freak as the smelliest human alive. I can't even go anywhere near his side of the room. seriously. makes my eyes water. you can see the smoky stench around him, his 'aura' if you will. like pigpen. only ALIVE and real.

FREAK 6...brought a "water bottle" to class. The Arrowhead GALLON bottle. Really dude? you gonna need all that for one class?

sigh. The things we do for fame & money. It's a high price my friends. A high price indeed.

Monday, January 26, 2009

I went to my friend's little girl's 4th birthday party this weekend. And she's one of my closest friends....been hangin' out since kindergarten. She went all out for this party. Actual kids were invited and everything! There was a taco cart and a bouncy house and a clown. This was the kind of crazy party we regularly make fun of. The "party favors" were better than the present I got for her.

I kept rolling my eyes and she kept going "I know, I know....I just couldn't help it!" Then I pointed to the floor, to the shiniest prettiest pinkest castle I ever saw. It had fringe. It had sparkly windows. It had Princess Minnie Mouse looking out the windows. And I was like "who gave her THAT? THAT is SOOO cute!"

She said "oh. That's the pinata."

WHAT?!?!? Pinata?? That's. That's. THAT'S A CASTLE! If I got that as a PRESENT I woulda played with it for YEARS. YEARS! PINATA! Hmph.

she said "oh, yah, well, that's ONE OF the pinatas....here. I'll show you the rest."

Then she showed me the other PinataS. Plural. Let's see. There were THREE.

she opened up the palm of her hand and swept it over the other "pinatas" in her kitchen.

"THIS one here is the pinata for adults (Corona beer bottle. My height) And this one is the Pinata for the younger kids (same pink sparkly Minnie mouse thing, just not full castle) (but still half my size) And the Castle one is for Isabella to hit."

Uh huh. I see. Sooooo, are they ALL filled with candy?

she said "uh huh!"

I picked up the corona bottle for the "adults" and could barely lift it.

WHAT is IN here? Candy? Diamonds? Bed Bath and beyond coupons? I mean, do they ALL have the same candy? Or do we adults get like good stuff. Like king sized snickers or what?

she laughed "you'll just have to wait and seeeeeee...."

And so like, is there something special in isabella's private pinata?

She said "no. Just the same candy. It's the one she can hit until it breaks. And then the other one is for the smaller kids to hit, after she has hit hers."

Okayyyyyyyeeeeee.

I couldn't wrap my head around any of this. It hurt my heart to think that the GIANT beautiful minnie mouse princess castle was about to be beat to a pulp. And to think....I was THRILLED to even GET a pinata. ONE. IF my mom was feeling rich that year. And MY birthday party pinata was a mexican DONKEY.

NOT a giant pretty castle!

When it came time for me to watch Isabella beat the crap outta minnie's castle my pulse began to race. It was VERY uncomfortable. wrong, even. You may as well have made me watch as you set fire to my manolo blahnik shoe collection.

I tried to find a pic of the castle pinata online to drive home the travesty of it all and I was opened up to a whole world of pinatas I had never known existed. SO, in case you're ever in need, there's this

GEORGE BUSH PINATA

or this made me laugh too. If I were Hilary I'd be a little annoyed at how fat they made my face....THE HILLARY CLINTON PINATA

and my personal favorite....if only for the detail...(Because you never know when you might need an osama bin laden pinata)

Who knew?

We've come a long way from the burrow my friend. A lonnnngggg way indeed.

Friday, January 23, 2009

It's friday night. So I'm OBVIOUSLY home on the couch. I thought of a new Resolution Substitution today...

RESOLUTION: DO MORE CARDIOSUBSTITUTION: DO MORE CARB-IO

BAHHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHA. God, I'm good.

It's been a slow week for me. I think I'm just exhausted from all my workouts. I HATE working out. I realize I'm stating the obvious, who doesn't?? I'll tell you who doesn't. The crazy skinny girls who are at the gym every.single.day. WHY? If I were that skinny I would NEVER be at the gym. EVER. You can tell they're naturally skinny too. Tiny. Petite. Why waste your time?

I GUESS if you wanted to stay tone you could work out. But why the cardio? Everyday? I mean, mayyyyybbeeeee once a week. I get why you'd do yoga. Inner peace and all. But the treadmill? ick.

ALSO, working out is supposed to release some sort of something to make you in a good mood.

Not me. Actually it's been the complete opposite. I have been angry and resentful and bitter all week. And talk about mood swings! woooo-eeee. Ask the guy who on purpose accidentally erased my LOST premiere. I'm not even ashamed to say that I threw the remote across the room and screamed...yes SCREAMED in all caps at my friend that he did it on purpose because he was a lazy selfish asshole who never considered other people and when he said to me I was overreacting because it was "just a tv show" all condescending like, I exploded. I told him he ruined my whole week. And then stormed into my room. But not before telling him he was never EVER allowed to even touch the remote again.

I told him the next day I was sorry and he understood. I told him I didn't mean any of it. (except the never touching the remote part) Nice guy I guess. It's still a little touchy. If ABC didn't show the premiere on line, he would have lost a limb. And it's still annoying to have to watch a 2 hour show on line. But anyway. all is forgiven. mostly.

AND to add to my torture there's an ihop on the way home from the gym. And it's on a corner. And I ALWAYS hit that red light. And there is a HUGE poster right now advertising ALL-YOU-CAN-EAT-PANCAKES. I always die a little inside when the light turns green and I drive away. One of these days I am sure I will be desperate enough to turn in. The ONLY thing that stops me is what kind of loser eats at ihop all-you-can-eat-pancakes by themselves? Geez, have some standards man. It's not like you can get them to-go either. Believe me, I've weighed in all my options.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

In the spirit of this blog I just had to post this story because I not only read it a few times but could NOT stop laughing at the pictures. laughing and laughing. It's NOT that I ENJOY other people's pain and humiliation....

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

TUESDAY JAN 20 7:15AM Started nasty gym workout. with weights. why we have to exercise? exercise is sucky. Not going to be type to always talk about gym torture. Will have rice krispie treats when get home. mmmmm....rice krispie treats.

8:15AMdone with weights and abs. read in A-list diet book that cardio expected. 20-45 mins. will do 20. includes stairs to get to cardio equipment. so will do 15 on machine.

8:20AMsee? did take 5 mins up elevator stairs to get there. Headphones on. Hannah Montana on. uh-oh. inauguration also on. Thought was on at noon? oh yah. am in california. am trying to be better citizen. voted and everything. planned to watch inauguration at home on nice fluffy couch with rice krispie treats made night before for special event! not planned to watch on exercise machine. But his girls so cute in super cute coats! inspire me so can have super cute coat as treat for working out so hard. plug headphones into machine so can hear.

8:25AMguy gets on next to me. hot. this not so bad.

8:40AMrealize Obama not coming on until 9. only 8:45. If leave now, will not be home in time. if stay on machine, will die by 9. wondering if will be on repeat later? why not tivo'd? WHY????? can do this. can totally do this. is historical event. must not miss.

8:50AMannouncer says running 10 mins late. Am crying. announcer says aretha franklin to sing and blah blah warren to preach. AHHHH. Know will be winded. Aretha sing so slowwwwwwwww and add verses. slooowwwwww verses. Preacher surprisingly quick for preacher. guy next to me jumps off and does many push-ups and jumps back on. NOT hot. annoying.

9:00AMFInally swear in Vice Pres. Announcer announce yo yo ma. yo yo ma not so good on headphones. not easy on ears if u ask me. Stop working on machine because need break. Just want to stand here and watch. as soon as stopped, volume stops. EVIL! PURE EVIL! Guy next to me still jumping down to do pushups. HATE. HATRED.

9:10AMFinally (FINALLY!) swear in obama. would get tears in eyes except all sweated out. was quick swearing in! yay! time to get off.

9:10 and 30 seconds AMObama to give speech. knew it. was just hoping not. how long? never watched inauguration. don't know. question how important speech is. very. must be able to understand when people talk about at parties so not feel stupid. pray for Obama to keep it quick. Gym trainers gather round to watch too. Push-up guy watching to. but then jumps off AGAIN for push-ups. have some RESPECT guy! geez! some people!

9:16AMSpeech good but can hardly hear because joints screaming. Been almost hour! Body not prepared for this.

9:20AMBeen whole hour. Obama still talking, but heard enough to join in at parties. must get off. must go home. or will implode into joints.

9:25AMahhhhhhh. car seat good. Turn on car. Obama speech comes on radio. could have listened to on radio whole time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

11:05AMhome. couch. rice krispie treats. can eat many since worked out so much. double, even.stupid inauguration IS on repeat. can't walk or move legs. can say I watch news now.did part as citizen. did MORE than part of citizen! can go back to acting superior to everyone b/c sacrificed so much for country. Can now say stuff like "YOU DIDN'T SEE THE INAUGURATION?" while frowning in pity and piety. was worth it.

Monday, January 19, 2009

Well. It's January 19th. And I think this is THE perfect time to discuss your New Year's Resolutions.

"huh?"

"what?"

Yah. Remember those? TWO WHOLE WEEKS ago you wanted to add some new stuff to your life, give up some habits, lose some weight perhaps?

And then, now, they're probably long forgotten. You're reading this with a cigarette in one hand and a chocodile in the other. And you've given up. "ah well, stupid resolutions!" you say. All is not lost little bunny. All is not lost.

SO I am here to propose the NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION SUBSTITUTION

You simply just substitute a lesser form of the goal you had set! Like, lets say yours was "I am gonna go on a diet!" (real original by the way) SO instead of a diet your resolution substitution would be "go on a diet...for a day!" get the picture?

here are some other common ones...

RESOLUTION: Be Nicer to peopleSUBSTITUTION: Be nicer to self. YOU are people too!

RESOLUTION: WATCH LESS TVSUBSTITUTION: WATCH LESS NEWS

RESOLUTION: Exercise moreSUBSTITUTION: Exercise peace. as in massages and pedicures.

RESOLUTION: BE MORE ORGANIZED. LESS CLUTTER IN LIFESUBSTITUTION: BUY MORE CONTAINERS AT CONTAINER STORE AND/OR IKEA

RESOLUTION: Be on computer less. Get outside moreSUBSTITUTION: Get Wireless device. Blog on porch.

There you go! No failure. Just SUBSTITUTE! Now, tell me YOUR resolution substitution! And start dropping those words in conversation. Lets see if it catches on. You will be WAY hip and cool with your new phrase. SOOOOO city.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Regrettably, in order to preserve the honesty, integrity and purity of this blog, I, the editor must print a retraction. This weblog in no way intents to harm, judge, make fun of,ridicule, mock,criticize well, harm or otherwise alienate ANY members of my friends or family. (strangers are fair game though)

In lieu of that testimonial of Yogabitch's Mission Statement, I retract and correct the following statement...

"My little brother is getting married and I am HIS favorite sibling..."

And in all fairness, truly, verily, I am everyone's favorite sibling. This should come as no shock to my readers, friends, countrymen. It's just a simple fact of nature. Were you to do an anonymous interview, where their faces were blocked out and their voices were all robotic like, it would all be the same. I'm the favorite.

I'll give you the short list as to why this is.

1. I give THE BEST presents. 2. I am well traveled and worldly and speak french mostly3. WAYYYYY smarter than everyone (no offense to my family, but that's not saying a WHOLE lot)4. By far the coolest. I practically invented platform heels and owned the first ipod in the family. mini. pink.5. I lived AND survived the mean streets of NY. 6. Am OBVIOUSLY the funniest7. Have fraternized and laid hands on Hollywood's Hottest8. Know everything about everything9. Have had shady past paving the way for the younger ones to underachieve10. Am totally awesome because I say words like awesome.

And THAT? is the short list.

It's not easy having to live up to these standards day in and day out, but that's what LOVE is. And I? am ALL about love and caring.

Monday, January 12, 2009

Last week I decided to start working out. I also decided to go off my anti-depressant.

So it's no wonder why I went completely mental this morning and found myself in a spin class.

at 6:30.

AM.

Here's the thing. My little brother is getting married in April, and lets be honest here. he's my favorite sibling. (no offense anyone else, but a spade is a spade) So I need to REPRESENT! (whoop whoop) And his betrothed is also my favorite (again, no offense) SO I don't wanna show up looking like this

SO my friend and I decided to do the A-list workout! of course!! when in hollywood....

And yes, I am gonna have a HOT hollywood body! (hopefully more britney and less danny devito) (I'll even take "fat" brit)

I was gonna hire a trainer...AGAIN....but I had TWO trainers last year. TWO. And it didn't take. And I coulda bought LOTS of DVF dresses AND gone on a trip around the world for what that cost me. The A-list plan was only $19.95. So, we'll see. I'll keep you posted.

Even though I've been working out for a whole week, I've been slow to start the ole diet. And yes, DIET. Not "changing my way of eating for life." just diet. Short term. massive starving. Think, tic-tacs and lettuce. Because? I don't wanna eat healthy for life! yuck! Give up eggs benedict? Substitute green tea for coffee with half 'n half? eat fish and vegetables forever? I don't THINK so!

I decided today is THE LAST day for eating junkfood. sigh. So, this is what I'll eat today......and McDonalds. (thanks kristina. thanks.)

Oh, and as far as going off Lexapro like I did? bad idea. I started crying and crying at EVERYthing. Even the commercials for Marley and Me. I got back on that drug horse yesterday. Can you imagine me on a diet AND off drugs?? HA! Hannibal wouldn't have nothin' on me!

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Friday, January 09, 2009

My dad sent me this. I found myself thinking "Where does he GET this stuff?" and then I realized that's what people say to me. It's strange to think of my dad sitting on his couch all day long hunting for stupid stuff on the internet, just like me. I used to be terrified of turning out like my mother, I went to 2 years of therapy to get those traits outta me. How many years will this take?

Thursday, January 08, 2009

DOUBLE CLICK TO READ

I know this doesn't really count as a post, and I promise I will get back to regular stuff, but I am trying to clean all the clutter in my house. I seem to feel that it is VERY important to keep paycheck stubs from 5 yrs ago. And that's just the beginning.

Monday, January 05, 2009

I am finally coming out of my holiday slumber. I ate the last Toblerone bar yesterday. The Holidays are officially over. NOW it's time for a tropical break!! get away from all this 72 degree CHILL. brrrrr. So instead of cleaning up the piles of stuff that has accumulated in my room like I was supposed to all weekend I found myself trolling Orbitz for tickets to hawaii. sigh. (btw....they're REALLY cheap...wanna come?)

I figure I have a lot of catching up to do here, so I'll give you the TV guide version of my holidays.

Snow for one week was AWESOME. I kept saying over and over how pretty it was. Especially in public places. LOUDLY. Eevn my nephew wanted to kill me after day 3. I think his words were "yah auntie kristie, it snows EVERYDAY. big deal." (eye roll included)

Then we went snowboarding/sledding....and by WE I mean NOT ME. I didn't want to ruin my Uggs.

How cute is my niece? She was all decked out and adorable and bored. We are SO much alike.

Then there was Christmas. Unlike any Christmas I ever had. I mean, we got presents and stuff when we were kids, but THIS is different. OBVIOUSLY I didn't help clean up anything, they're not MY kids.

even the dogs were exhausted by it all.

I was gonna post all these earlier, but SOMEONE doesn't have wireless in their home. Which is why, I'm sure, we all got into a huge fight by friday. Pent up tension on my part. "completely wrong" on their part, (I may be temperamental but I'm always RIGHT) ah, family!

Other highlights...Met some AWESOME stalkers ladies who are obsessed with read my blog! HA! I read theirs obsessively too. I'll be honest.

Had some WAY fun time with my old college buddies, including game night and great dinner. Sadly, no rice krispie treats. But it was still fun. I never laugh as hard as I do with these guys.

SUCH an awesome holiday. Family aside, I don't think I yelled at ANYONE!!! It's gonna be a good year. Resolutions, schmezolutions! I resolve to be as perfect as I was last year!! Only richer!!! WOOHOOOOOOOO