Search crews rejoice at discovery that MH370 crashed killing everyone

There were celebrations across the world today at the exciting discovery that flight MH370 did, indeed, crash into the sea, killing all the passengers and crew.

“This is the happiest possible resolution to this story,” said searcher Graeme Oni, a party hat at a jaunty angle on his head. “We came to the Indian Ocean with one job to do, and we did it with aplomb. Everyone else thought the plane may have been stolen, or had landed in Pakistan, but we showed them! It just went into the sea and filled up with water and now everyone’s dead.”

The Malaysian President Najib Razak made the announcement at a press conference this afternoon, in front of a huge ‘MISSION ACCOMPLISHED’ banner. “Where once there were questions, we now have answers,” he said. “Where once there was a mystery, now we have a solution. Where once we had a missing plane full of possibly-alive people, now we finally know where it is, and that everyone on it is now a corpse. Puzzle solved. Champagne?”