OVA 2: (yes, this is me being a perfectionist dick. no, i’m not trying to be a dick. just suggesting.)
5:14 – Connect the initial letters of their names, and you get “Irene.” > Connect the first letter of each name and you get “Irene.”
5:43 – All visitors are inspected thoroughly before being permitted to enter. > flow doesn’t sound too… right. may want to change permitted to a simple “allowed”
6:14 – A Toys? > Well… any word before the word “a” normally is singular, yes? So this should probably just say “A Toy?” since you have used that before, in TV episodes.
7:24 – I could slightly hear a constant hum, like something was vibrating. > flow again… maybe faintly instead of slightly, because this sentence doesn’t seem right
7:54 >change a to an, it’s more gramatically correct.
8:25 >i thought it was spelled this way also, but it’s jewelry, not three e’s.
9:17 – The secret to his trick of his disappearance from the museum lies… >wordy. try: “The secret to his disappearing act from the museum lies…”
11:27 – Scientists loyal to the Crown improved – no, reworked the black fever virus > for starters, name of a virus is capitalized, so it’s Black Fever virus. next, period at the end or if it’s connecting a sentence, next line needs no capitalization of first letter.
12:39 – According to my research, the virus remains dormant unless a light of a certain wavelength is shone on it. > for flow purposes, consider “… certain wavelength shines upon it.”
14:26 > drop the s in Toys since he only has one Toy.
17:41 – The detonator is on the ceiling of the carriage heading for the summit of the wheel. > a ceiling is the top of a room. Just change to “The detonator is on top of the carriage…”