Scott Pruitt Pollutes EPA

July 6, 2018

As attorney general of Oklahoma I shoved environmental fanatics out of my office, buried them somewhere else, and established a special unit to destroy the tree-hugging, jobs-suppressing policies of Barack Hussein Obama. Oil and gas companies knew I was right and contributed more than three hundred grand to my campaigns and applauded each of the fourteen times I sued the Environmental Protection Agency.

President Donald Trump understood I was his guy to ride into Washington and rein in and hopefully dismantle the EPA, which keeps crying about the myth the world’s getting hotter and forest fires more frequent and storms more deadly. All that liberal anguish just means that weather fluctuates. It sure doesn’t mean human activity has anything to do with it. It’s just God shuffling the meteorological deck once in a while.

Once I got in the EPA saddle I began helping businesses, which help everyone, but some of the college scientists who never worked a day in private enterprise starting squalling that my policies would kill scores of thousands of Americans per decade. In fact, I was trying to take a sledgehammer to Obama’s environmental excesses and help our country recover from his catastrophic presidency. Our new leader, President Trump, agreed with my vision and I with his, and we were making progress. We hadn’t annihilated the Obama regulations but we’d made enforcing them more difficult.

Damn right I was worried about security. Look how wild liberals are these days. I put together a security detail as large as twenty agents and installed a big bubble to descend over me in my office when I made secret calls and at minimum I flew first class and hated that since I should’ve been traveling in private and government aircrafts and did so as often as possible. In a top notch operation like this I naturally had to pay people good salaries and resent enemies charging I overpaid energy-connected friends and wasted taxpayer money sending employees to pick up my dry cleaning. Those expenditures were designed to protect your jobs and not ruin everything by pretending we’ve got a bunch of environmental problems.

The liberal minority colluded to accuse me of being corrupt and incompetent, and they’re a bunch of liars, so I quit.