"Hope is my catalyst."

——————————————————————————————————————————————–Everyday NhanSense: Each day, I will blog about something that comes to mind. My goal is to practice writing about my hobbies, my interests, my opinions and so forth.

Day 8’s Topic: Finding hope.——————————————————————————————————————————————–I have to say that I am happy to be blogging again for this past week. It has made me feel a lot better when I can express some of my excess emotions through this creative outlet. It’s just pleasant to write again. And I do mean this with complete sincerity.

When I graduated from college years ago, I wanted to be a journalist. My dream job was just to work in a newsroom setting of sorts. Of course, in retrospect, it was not the wisest decision to major in something that was, though not being faded out or anything, in the process of being restructured. The demand for a traditional journalist has shifted, and thus the amount of available of jobs are limited to say the least.

When any random person can be their own pseudo-journalist with their phones and other gadgets these days, the need for a regular journalist isn’t quite the same as it was even a decade ago. Nonetheless, I like to think that life has pushed me toward a different direction for some time now. It just doesn’t seem like it’s in the stars for me to become a typical journalist anytime soon, and I am fine with this.

But, of course, things have been scary in the meantime. Transitions are always difficult for me. I have a tricky time adapting to change, but life has thrown me into a situation where I have to rethink my plan of attack or I won’t survive. Plain and simple.

It has turned into a daily routine of somehow scraping up some gumption and looking for some kind of hope … just some kind of inkling that things will work out in due time.
I have felt sad as of late throughout these past weeks randomly. I’ll admit it. There isn’t any point in me not being blunt about it. But this sadness … well, it’s not just like I feel a little blue sometimes and I can just perk myself up and pretend it doesn’t matter.

In fact, this particular sadness does matter a lot.

This sadness goes beyond the mood swings I suffer from every day … mood swings in which I purposefully choose not to take any medication for despite the fact that it runs in my dad’s side of the family. My mood swings are erratic for my emotions. I can be all kinds of things throughout the day: happy, mad, depressed and everything else in between.

But going back to this sadness, I just have a realization and deep understanding that these particular feelings don’t quite stem from my bag of mood swings. I just know that’s not the case. It has a touch of loneliness, a hint of despair and it’s coated with a frightening pessimism that can leave me wallowing in self-pity.

But what to do? Just what do I do?

Easy. Hope. I have to look toward hope. No matter where it may come from, I have to keep searching for some hope to keep me focused on reality without letting the bad stuff consume me.

Heck, below is a song I find myself constantly bringing up on YouTube to help me feel OK again on some hard days.

♫♫♫ Lyrics ♫♫♫Let me be stronger please, still stronger pleaseI close my eyes and wish to the skyI want to move beyond the tears

A past that I just couldn’t let be, I try to turn my back and forget itI hide the scars so no one can see, all the pain and the blame, I’ve been keeping inside

All the pain, it wells up, it becomes who I amGathering my courage I will face it aloneIf this warmth is something that will just disappearThen I don’t want a single shred!

Let me be stronger please, still stronger pleaseI close my eyes and wish to the skyI make my way among the darkJust like a lonely star, on my own

Within my heart I hide, my fragile sideThe weakness I don’t want to show throughI couldn’t put it into words, can’t say a thing it’s just absurdHiding away so that no one can find me, I’ll always be waiting hereTill the day I see the light