11 failed IUIs, IVF #1- miscarriage, FET #1-nada, IVF #2-triplets but we lost them all at 9, 18, and 21 weeks in 2013. When all hope was lost a friend stepped forward to be our gestational carrier and carried in our twins... 2 years later we decided to try for one more baby with me carrying again...this is our story

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Calm Before the Storm

October 7, 2012

Assuming the RE is fine with me moving forward with IVF despite the mild cervical issues, today is the calm before the storm. It's funny how "emotional" taking ONE HSG shot made me. I couldn't believe I was at the level of having to take and injection. I've done the math. Starting tomorrow over the next few weeks I will be giving myself over 50 injections!

I follow several blogs and realize there are several attitudes I can choose to acquire during this. I can go through the "life isn't fair" and "why me" ranging to "this really sucks, but worth it," to "praise the Lord I get to inject myself again because I'm on the way to baby land." I think I'm going to work on staying in the last 2 mind frames. I'm human. It will hurt. The side effects are scary. I hate needles not to mention Darren is freaked to inject me (we take the class tomorrow). I don't want to be superficial and act like it doesn't bother me at all, but I also want to remain hopeful and grateful this science is an option.

My sister in law gave me a book awhile back about 3 friends who had issues conceiving. One had to go on to IVF and talked about the various injections but the one that put the most shutters through me was one she had entitled the "HOLY SH*T SHOT" (aka the progesterone oil one that goes into butt muscle). That was is one of the lasts. I think HOLY SH*T SHOT sounds like a good blog post title.

Although we are keeping this a secret from family, I'm telling close friends. One friend wasn't aware of what IVF was so I explained it. She said "I want to have my kids the normal way." Seriously? Why didn't I think of that? ;)

So today I will relax, organize the house, lesson plan, watch Once Upon a Time, pray. I can do this. It will be over in a month. Bring it. But, until tomorrow's first Lupron injection (which I heard several refer to as 'Lupron Hell') I'm going to enjoy the calm.

My Bucket List:

Meet the Bensons

Hi! I'm Holly and Darren is my husband. We have been married 5 years; after our 11th fertility treatment in 2013 we lost triplets (2 were stillborns in the 2nd tri). It nearly destroyed us. The day I delivered my son a friend emailed us and offered to carry some of our biological remaining embryos. The transfer was a success and we had twin boys born almost exactly a year-to-the-date later than when I delivered my son. If I'm not blogging about our journey, I'm teaching high school Spanish, drinking Starbucks, hanging out with family, eating candy-and then working it off at the gym. If you ever need to contact me directly you can at hollybenson10@yahoo.com or if you want to see more into our daily lives, my instagram is hbenson10

How Long We've Been At It:

JB

Babies in Heaven

We have had two miscarriages and 2 stillborns (born 3 weeks apart). I'm 50/50 on naming the early miscarriages but it gives me a sense of peace and reality of their lives. In heaven, I will call for them.

Jaden lost 11/2012 blighted ovum (my sister gave me the idea for this name, it means "God has heard" and he had because it was our 1st pregnancy)

Isaac lost 8/2013 everything was perfect and then stopped at 9 weeks (my sister is law gave me this idea. Isaac means "laughter" and everyone's first reaction to us having triplets was laughter)

Stillborn daughter born 10/30/13

Stillborn son Jude born @21 weeks 11/17/30

Infertility Treatment Journey

Me: 31 I have mild PCOS and ovulate very randomly (I respond to femera and on that have normal cycles)