nope! What the hell...

I've been so afraid of so many things lately...
unable to leave my room- I feel like the first person I see is going to run up to me and stab me in the back; literally.

I want to get better...I do- I just don't know where to start. It seems impossible for me to accept anything good that anyone says about me. I just pile on the bad things; after another person says something good. I hate myself... I hate being scared of everything- I hate being so affected by one other person so much that it ruins my life and pushes me off the track I thought I could follow through life.

I knew that shit happens... and shit *did* happen to me- but nothing made me more afraid and more confused than having my heart broken. The world turned upside down and I can't even feel good about the ONLY skills that I do have. I'm sooo bad at so many things and now the things that I used to be good at; I'm HORRIBLE at! Now I've got nothing! >< I just want to die and start over again! Press the re-start button!!

So... I was invited to perform with a band at a fairly big event tomorrow. I dropped out last week because I knew that I wouldn't be able to pull it together.
Today; I was invited back-- saying that we wouldn't be *at* the event, but instead, performing live- video streamed from a sound booth.
I can't even do *that*
I'm so worthless and afraid and just paranoid about any aspect of leaving my room.
I would have to take a bus- with a bunch of strangers; and then the subway and *try* to find a studio that I'd never been to before... probably get lost and mugged and raped in an alley somewhere... and end up never performing again. << that is what I think.
I just can't do it.

I hate how I sound, and how I look and how I act.
There's really nothing left that I can do right, and if there was- I wouldn't know it because I'm so convinces that I just plain suck.
fuck it.

What the hell am I supposed to do with myself; if a step by step process never worked? If I can't get over this fear of leaving my room- I'm going to just keep on hating myself- and I'll never amount to anything.
My Ex probably knew it; and that's why he left me.
He knew that I was a worthless loser before I did.

I think I've given up by now...
I don't know... I could've probably forced my sister to meet me at the bus station and come with me to the studio, since it's after her regular work hours.
I'm just sick of being a burden to everyone else-- needing someone to hold my hand for things that I should be able to do just fine on my own. :unsure:

Sorry about how everything is going. I am not agoraphobic, but due to my lack of
self-esteem and my shyness, I hate being around people on my bad days and going out in public. When I feel bad about myself, I just want to be alone. I will go out, come home, and feel all this anxiety and humiliation thinking about what people must think of me. As for the paranoia, try to remember that not all people are out to hurt somebody and actually, the world is a safer place today because of cellphones and such. We can just call the cops if we are in immediate danger. Sorry about the ex. Wish I could tell you something good, but I fail in the ex department too and all I think about is what my ex must think of me. Does he think I am as disgusting as I think some people are? I drive myself crazy wondering about all this stuff. No matter what, you are not a loser. Your ex probably had his own issues. Most guys around our age and even a little older are just afraid of commitment. Sucks!