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Temporary fixes for permanent problems

As I carefully backed my wheelchair over the wobbly ramp I had thrown together the other day, I started thinking about how many things I do that momentarily solve problems, but in the long run are pretty much useless.

Things like: putting makeup on, exercising, laundry, cooking, mowing, etc. Why is it that we spend so much time and effort on things that ultimately don’t matter? Ok, maybe we get pleasure from the acts, but that doesn’t usually last either. Short-term fixes are usually cheaper too, which I’m sure is a big reason they are so popular. So in the name of posterity, I have come up with more permanent fixes for these repetitive problems:

Putting makeup on – Permanent makeup aka tattoos. Not only would you never have to dirty wash-rags with your blue eyeshadow or hot pink lipstick; you could become a conversation topic everywhere you go. As for wrinkles and bags under the eyes, it has been said that if you put a vacuum cleaner hose up to your right ear, you can tighten your entire face with the push of a button. (This works best in front of a large group of people because wrinkles and bags tend to have stage fright.) *BONUS: Cuts down on TV commercial volume changes.

Exercising – This one is easy…clone yourself when you are in the best shape of your life. Freeze the clone (so it wouldn’t lose shape) and have a brain transplant when the weight starts coming back.

Laundry – Crayola might already be working on this one…dry erase clothes. Teens can make their own fashion statement, kids can practice their alphabet, and best of all…no laundry, just rub it off.

Cooking – Aside from a never-ending supply of space food, I’m not too sure about this one. Well, I guess you could go on that raw food diet thing, but that is still a lot of prep and mess. Probably the easiest thing would be to focus all scientific endeavors on finding a cure for bodily waste. If it’s not empty you can’t fill it up.

Mowing – Fake grass if you can afford it, if not, spray painted dirt. It might not have the same feel under your toes, but you could easily have the greenest yard on the block.