One or both of you is work-exhausted/catching a cold/sick with a cold already/has a strained back muscle/has period cramps and/or is menstruating (regular as ever, just as a cruel joke) or as in the other night, just plain old has really bad gas.

These and many more are all valid reasons to not be in the mood for sex, but if you’re not careful, as I hope this foreshadowing represents, you can easily fall into a months’ long dry spell. Logically, I know this is a common ailment of long term relationships, but man it’s rough on the ego regardless. When you actually consider buying a magazine because of the “Ten Spicy Secrets of a Sexy Sexy Sex Whatever” you know there’s a problem. (I didn’t buy the magazine, but it’s too late once the idea was even considered).

While it can be awkward getting things on the right track again, the alternatives are very limited. We accidentally did the having affairs thing early on in the marriage, which obviously isn’t anything I’d like to revisit (and if I can hopefully be so bold as to speak for him, I think that goes for both of us). We’re still a little too young to give up, I think, so that leaves me the option of this:

Lose that last 20 pounds, buy some porn and rally the troops.

Many New Year’s resolutions are similarly being made as I speak, I’m sure, but for me 2014 is going to be the year of getting laid again.