Tuesday, 13 March 2012

Sure there has been plenty of poker news around… but come on, it is hard work writing the world’s only poker satire blog which is officially no longer funny, so I took a month off to travel, drink and generally be merry – something which grinders never seem to be able to do….

In a shocking revelation, Pokerstars will be having face-to-face meeting at their Isle of Man HQ with players who are determined to make online poker just that little bit more sh1t. It seems that greasy grinders who dedicate themselves to recreating the atmosphere of the school playground each day on the 2+2 forums are FURIOUS that poker only revolves around them 98% of the time – and are DEMANDING to be heard so that they can make online poker at least 1.6% more sh1t for everyone else.

We sent the Melted Felt Mole undercover on the forums to find out exactly what the demands ‘Pokerstars Steve’ would be receiving included:

- One of the biggest points of contention was that the time FISH hold on to their bankrolls is still way too high. The grinders are demanding that a new algorithm work out which new players still have any money in their account 48 hours after joining and publish their names directly to the forums.
- Slight losing 24 table grinders are unhappy about the distribution of player points which no longer enable them to SCRATCH a desperate living by nut peddling at the micros. Demands include some way to guarantee at least minimum wage in VPPs, for those who provide all that precious liquidity to the poker site which is almost drowning in liquidity.
- Players have been having FUN at the tables, which is obviously not acceptable since poker should be the sole domain of people who are angry with the world, terminally frustrated and want to prove their point if only they could work out what their point actually was.

Fortunately, the geeks will get a chance to be represented in April and a search is apparently underway to find the angriest player who (statistically speaking) represents the lowest proportion of the overall online poker population possible.

Many poker satire blogs would have stopped the story there, but not this one. Melted Felt might not have been funny since 2009 – however it does go that extra mile to squeeze the living nonsense out of anything even faintly resembling poker news.

So, we sent the Melted Felt mole deep inside Pokerstars HQ to get an idea of what the world’s biggest site might be wanting to explain to the grinder delegation.

While the Mole had to dodge the prevalent laughing fits still going on many months after the collapse of Full Tilt – we managed to find their cunning plan.

First, they would explain to the grinders that they are mummy’s best boys, that they are very important and handsome and very clever indeed… and that it was only those stoopid people who were jealous of their talents that ever said anything different, and that if anyone said anything bad they were probably on food stamps and had fleas and that you should come and tell mum right away and she would call their mum and give them a good talking to, want a cookie?

Next, while they felt like VERY GOOD BOYS the plan was to patiently explain the history of liquidity. This would involve Powerpoint presentations put together by highly paid ‘executives’ in suits which clearly show that it was all very nice while the sites were small and growing – but now everyone and his dog plays at Stars anyway, you grinders and more an irritation than anything worthwhile... with stats to prove it.

Finally a concession would be made which SOUNDED really good but had little effect in reality, something along the lines of adding a VPP or 2 for players who sat in dark rooms grinding at least 16 tables more than 12 hours a day.

The caring, sharing Pokerstars – job done.

Well, best log on to pokerstars and put my list of fish who still have money 48 hours after depositing to good use then…