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Date: Wed, 26 Sep 2001 08:08:53 -0500 (EST)
From: Internet Oracle
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Subject: Internet Oracularities #1232
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=== 1232 =================================================================
Title: Internet Oracularities #1232
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler
Date: Wed, 26 Sep 2001 08:08:40 -0500 (EST)
To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to
participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help"
in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)
Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message). For example:
1232
2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1
1227 74 votes 5dggo 4fnn9 2dpnb 8iige 5axh9 5apnb dip8a anpd3 39ygc 5dpm9
1227 3.2 mean 3.6 3.2 3.4 3.1 3.2 3.3 2.8 2.7 3.3 3.2
--- 1232-01 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "BJ"
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> I challenge you to a battle of wits.
>
> [Pause]
>
> I'll take that as a yes.
>
> [Opens a vial]
>
> Smell but do not touch. What you fail to smell is Iocaine powder; it is
> odorless, tasteless, dissolves instantly in water, and is among the
> more deadly poisons known to man.
>
> [Takes two cups of water, turns his back, and turns back around. The
> vial is empty.]
>
> Alright, where is the poison? The battle of wits has begun. It ends
> when you decide and we both drink; and then we discover who is right,
> and who is dead.
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Huh.
}
} Well, I cannot choose the glass in front of me, for it would be the
} blantantly obvious thing to put the poison in the glass of your
} adversary, which is to say, me. However, only a great fool, as Vizini
} would say, would do the blatantly obvious thing, so therefore I cannot
} choose the glass in front of you.
}
} However, I can derive the answer from what I know of you. Iocaine
} powder comes from fiction, which means you must come from fiction,
} which means you don't really exist. That would all be well and good,
} if not for the fact that I am fictional also, and therefore can be
} harmed by Iocaine powder and other fictional poisons.
}
} I also know you're a copy-cat, so I must simply consult the film from
} which you copied from in order to determine that in fact BOTH glasses
} are poisoned, and therefore I need not drink from either, as either
} will kill me. Therefore, I need to find an alternate solution by
} looking at the speech shortly before you scene, noting that Vizini says
} he and Wesley are at an impasse because he can't compete with Wesley
} physically, and Wesley can't advance without the princess dying. The
} catch (and resolution) is that in this case I can compete with you
} physically, and in fact, cannot conceivably lose!
}
} In case you haven't figured it out yet, ZOT!
}
} You owe the Oracle Indigo and Fezik as recuriing injokes.
--- 1232-02 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Christophe
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oracle, beautifier of the flame damaged region we call USENET,
> Senior Citizen of The Web, Wisest entity to ever use email,
>
> How does a spelling flame differ from make fun of how someone
> talks?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} The answer is simple, really. Making fun of a spelling error
} draws attention to a lexical error, whereas a grammar error
} concerns either incorrect syntax or semantics.
}
} By the way, I noticed that you used the phrase "make fun" in your
} question. You should have said "making fun" instead. It is not
} clear to me whether you misspelled "making" or failed to
} comprehend the basic rules which govern the proper form of a word
} in a given context. In the first case, this would make you an
} uneducated slob. In the second case, you would likely be termed
} an ignorant boob. In either case, you would be an illiterate
} dolt.
}
} You owe the Oracle an Abstract Syntax Tree with a couple lexemes
} on the side.
--- 1232-03 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Christophe
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Please help me settle this argument I'm having with my father.
> I think we need a new sceptic system, but he does not believe that
> we do. (He hardly ever believes anything anyone tells him, and
> insists on much too solid proof.)
>
> What can I do to convince him of the need for a new sceptic system?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} [ Oracle authoritatively snaps open his cell phone and
} punches in one number. ]
}
}
}
} Yahweh: Hello Orrie, what can I do for you today?
}
} Orrie: I just got an email from your boy.
}
} Yahweh: Jesus!
}
} Orrie: Yes, that one.
}
} Yahweh: Don't tell me. He's whining about the sewer system
} again.
}
} Orrie: Yeah.
}
} Yahweh: Well, Mr. Know-it-all, what's your opinion?
}
} Orrie: The system you have -is- kind of old. And a lot shit
} has been raining down on the humans of late.
}
} Yahweh: Do you have any idea how much it'll cost to retro-
} fit all the ceramic thrones in Heaven? Don't answer
} that. Okay, fine. I'll do it. Sheesh, that kid always
} worrying about the humans.
}
} Orrie: You hit the nail on the head.
}
} Yahweh: Don't cross me!
}
} [ Both laugh.]
--- 1232-04 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson"
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oracle most Wise and pal of Walt Disney. You are a Deity With Divine
> Foresight who knows a good hind-sight when he sees one. Please hear
> this mortal's question. Please enlighten me, Oh Great Oracle!
>
> What are ten ways I could make sure my name is never forgotten for
> the rest of time?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} The Oracle speaks:
}
} 10: Bring an end to War, Famine and Pestilence
}
} 9: Develop Freeware that will replace Windows
}
} 8: Develop a practical FTL starship drive.
}
} 7: Perfect room temperature super conductors.
}
} 6: Perfect cold fusion
}
} 5: Short out the Energizer Bunny
}
} 4: Prove you received a message from John
} Lennon saying that "Elvis isn't here".
}
} 3: Write a treatise, using 500 words or less, that
} will explain how to understand the opposite
} gender.
}
} 2: Change your name to Craig Shergold
}
} 1: Explain why, after 98 episodes in 3 seasons,
} "The Professor" couldn't patch that hole in the
} SS Minnow.
}
} You owe the Oracle an autographed picture of Mary Anne
} [Dawn Wells] posing in those wonderful shorts.
--- 1232-05 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson"
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Most wide awake Oracle, He that can find his way around in the
> dark, Immortal Most Extraordinary and cool guy to hang with,
>
> Do vampires like orange juice?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} The Oracle speaks:
}
} Only from Blood Oranges.
}
} You owe the Oracle an autographed copy of Anita Bryant's last Album.
--- 1232-06 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Christophe
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> WHY IS CHOCOLATE SO GOOD?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Because it knows you're watching it. Try setting up one of those
} secret pinhole spy cameras, and you just might find out where your
} socks have been going whenever you leave the house, who's been drinking
} your 30 year scotch, and why the cat's been walking funny lately.
}
} You owe the Oracle some vanilla extract.
--- 1232-07 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Ian Davis
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh Great and sober Oracle, what did alcoholics do before alcohol was
> discovered??
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Got eaten.
}
} You owe the Oracle a method of fermenting a sabre-tooth tiger.
--- 1232-08 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Dr. Noe
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Would it, cosmically speaking, matter if I don't do my homework for
> last friday, that I now have to do for tomorrow?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Short answer: Yes.
}
} Long answer: Remember that Chaos Theory thingamabob? Everything
} matters. Here's how I can find a chain of events leading to something
} important.
}
} 1. If you don't do your homework, your teacher will spend 10 seconds
} less time grading homework tomorrow night.
}
} 2. That 10 seconds is enough to put her into a window where she meets
} the man of her dreams at the shoppoing mall.
}
} 3. That man (who I am reluctant to name) will also fall hopelessly in
} love, and they will marry after a few months of dating, the man forever
} to abandon his lifelong dream of being a bag man at the local
} supermarket.
}
} 4. The person that replaces him, if he hadn't been a bag man, would
} have been a hobo beggar out on the streets.
}
} 5. One of the people that would have donated her spare change to the
} beggar, would have been able to get a soda, and so would be on a
} caffeine binge..
}
} 6. That caffeine took away her the ability to do her telephone routing
} job. If she hadn't done it, a few unknowing people trying to contact
} the Honest Advice Hotline instead got the Crazy Psychic Hotline.
}
} 7. The crazy psychics advise someone not to go into politics. She would
} have been the 47th president of the US.
}
} 8. She would have been elected, and one of her policies would be not to
} go into World War III, preventing the destruction of mankind.
}
} You see, that's why you need to do your homework.
}
} You owe the Oracle a promise that you will.
--- 1232-09 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "BJ"
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> O most divine Oracle, whose wisdom knows no bounds, before whom I bow
> and scrape like the lowly lump of flesh that I am, please tell me:
>
> Are we in for a long reign of military action mixed with terrorist
> strikes? I want to know what the future holds for New York City, for
> America, and for the world.
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Don't worry, supplicant. The Taliban will hand over bin Laden, he'll be
} given a fair trial and appropriate treatment. The US will remove its
} troops from the Middle East and then carry out an exetensive revision
} of its foreign policy. Peace will quickly break out.
}
} The first flying pig will be sighted shortly thereafter.
}
} You owe the Oracle a pair of rose tinted spectacles.
--- 1232-10 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Bad jokes bad jokes
> What'cha gonna do
> What'cha gonna do
> When they come for you
> Bad jokes bad jokes
> What'cha gonna do
> What'cha gonna do
> When they come for you
>
> Nobody naw give you no break
> Priest naw give you no break
> Kinzler naw give you no break
> Not even your in-jokes naw give you no break
>
> Bad jokes bad jokes
> What'cha gonna do
> What'cha gonna do
> When they come for you
>
> PRIESTS is filmed on location with the men and women of Oracular
> enforcement.
>
> All submissions are considered funny until proven otherwise in a court
> of humor.
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} [ Scene: In a car, a red Yugo to be exact, driven by a cute,
} green haired girl with a pierced left nipple, which of course
} we can't see, but sense is there. The Yugo is parked in the
} parking lot of some ubiquitous mid-western college. A string
} attached to a paper cup runs from a nearby window to the
} car near the women's brightly dyed head.]
}
} Kirsten: I became a preist because I wanted to help people
} laugh. I was so naive. I thought I'd be helping
} little chicken jokes cross the road, but no. I find
} most of my day is spend fending off instant resubmits
} of mind numbing lameness, arrogant cowbirds, and tired
} old in-jokes that simple refuse to die.
}
} [ The string attached to the cup shakes violently. The camera
} pans to the window from which the string emantes, a man is
} there waving his arms back and forth. Kirsten puts an ear
} to the cup. ]
}
} Kirsten: What? Huh? What? SPEAK UP!
}
} [ Kirsten starts up the Yugo, puts it in neutral, opens the
} door, and wanders off leaving the car idling. She walks to
} the window and talks to the man. She returns promptly. ]
}
} Kirsten: Looks bad. Supplicant 'F' is holded up in a cardboard
} box down near one of the Frat Houses.
}
} [ The Yugo sputters, then rolls off at break wind speed towards
} the Frat House. ]
}
} Kirsten: Sup 'F' is a resumbitter. Has ten non-joke statements
} that he resubmits over and over again, clogging the
} queue and keeping actually funny submissions on 24
} hour hold. He used to send in "Where's the remote?"
} crossover jokes by the bushel, but now. . .
}
} [ The Yugo lurches to a stop as a white faced MIME leaps in
} front of the car. Kirsten tries to back the vehicle up, but
} her way is blocked by the entire extended crew of Star Trek.]
}
} Kirsten: It's an ambush!
}
} [ She snaps open the glove box and pulls out a dead carrier
} pigeon which she flings out the window. Briefly attached
} to the pigeon's leg is a Post-It note reading "Help!". ]
}
} Kirsten: Run away! Run Away!
}
} [ Kirsten exits the car, and is immediately engulfed by a
} swarm of sexual innuendoes about Lisa. A steady hail of
} log files rains down on the car, chucked from a far. ]
}
} Kirsten: AHH! It's /bin/login! Call 911! 911!
}
} [ fade to black ]