Newsflash Party People: Owning Ferrets is a !Shitmove!

Prime shitiots: Ferret owners, those who aspire to be ferrets owners and ferret owner sympathizers (we could have just said “people who pronounce Bachman-Turner Overdrive the original and correct way” but did not want to spur a massive frenzy of people looking up BTO on the world wide web).

Victims of ferret ownership: Unassuming house guests, the remainder of productive society and, of course, the creepy, smelly, sneaky, failed-ass mink known by its Latin name as Ferret Supersuckus.

Final vote: By a verdict of 90-9, this one went down with little more than a burp of opposition. Let the record reflect two abstentions: one from a judge whose car keys were stolen by his idiot neighbor’s ferret and the other from a judge whose cousin is a ferret.

Shitum majorum: Why shouldn’t you (or anyone) own a ferret? We didn’t have to dig too deep here. For a full 95% of society, there are obvious answers. If you’ve ever encountered one of these cuddly little love rats with their razor-sharp claws and distinct air of dirty-diaperness, you needn’t go too far down the road of interrogation on this question, but here goes:

They literally stink. Sure, you can get them descented in order that you may enjoy all their other fine attributes in the comfort of your own home (provided you keep them away from small children), but really—do we have to establish a checklist of pre-pet ownership that includes “Remove stink bag south of anus?”. (And will somebody please—we’re begging you—write in to point out that it is a scent gland, not a stink bag? Oh, and may you also pinpoint the location? Pretty please can you spend your time doing that?)

Their fur (musk-blanket) is scratchy and oily at once (fucking ferrets—not even good for making couches or coats).

Their breath smells like someone ate a pine cone then farted.

They look like cats who’ve had their legs cut in two, their feet supplanted with a chicken’s, their fur spray-painted with stupid and allowed a naturally offensive odor to be permanently applied to their being. That’s right: they look like they’ve had a smell applied to them. By the way, these particular cats are not cats at all, but rather a creature that came about after Clay Aiken “lost a night” and met a (male) possum on his way home from the rodeo.

These are just the things you notice in the first five seconds.

You.

Do.

The math.

For just $75 and a lifetime committment to being an asshole, you could own this fuzzy little bastard. Hint: The secret ingredient is love!

For that judicious 5% of the population still on the fence, we submit for your consideration: Your booming social life. It is cross-referenced common knowledge that the last time a ferret owner got laid was in 1989 (and this only occurred because the ferret escaped, wrangled its way into the owner’s Bugle Boys and made the idiot dance around while Fine Young Cannibals’ She Drives Me Crazy blared from the nearest boombox).

To sum it up roundly, one of our judges added this pat wisdom: “Ferrets are the meth addicts of the animal kingdom.” And while this claim needs some more rigorous academic analysis, we do concede that there are some ready similarities. Both are gross, aggressive, and likely to steal your Dancing Bears wallet while your shows are on in the other room.

Ixnay on the itshay: Nine judges actually claimed owning a ferret was an individual choice and not entirely unreasonable, though none had actually encountered a ferret in real life. Said judges were sentenced (wha happened?) to 48 consecutive hours in an apartment with two ferrets and a television playing a continuous loop of DVR’d episodes of the Maury Povich Show. We’ll let you know what they say when they get out if they can hold their breath for that long.

What if everyone owned a ferret? All would smell and none would smell. Everyone would have so much fun at home with these affable ass-kittens that no one would go to work or the store and… the standard chain of chaos would ensue. Buildings on the tumble, Fred Thompson’s return to politics, Two and Half Men getting renewed…

How to stop this shitmove from recurring: It is not enough to merely shame or chastise your ferret-owning and slightly oxymoronic friends, or even just refer them to shitmove.com. You must also shun them. Refuse to enter any household that is ferret-friendly. And swiftly kick anyone in the throat who displays a placard that reads “Ferret on Board” or any approximate version.

Shitometer rank: 95% shiterrific.

Tune in next week when we have our way with whatever we think of next.

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