Congress to 9/11 First Responders: Drop Dead, Losers

WASHINGTON, D.C.At midnight the United States Congress allowed the James Zadroga 9/11 Health and Compensation Act to expire, officially ending health care benefits to those who attempted to rescue victims of the infamous 9/11 attacks at the former site of the World Trade Center in New York City, NY.

“Look, only 20 people were pulled out of the rubble following the 9/11 attacks,” explained Kevin McCarthy (R-CA), the presumptive successor to John Boehner as speaker of the House. “Those are pathetically low numbers, and a big part of the reason why we’re letting this ridiculous government handout expire.”

“We’re not here to provide freebies to the very people whose incompetence prevented a more effective emergency response,” declared Steve Scalise (R-LA), the majority whip of the U.S. House of Representatives. “Did you read the 9/11 Commission Report? I did. The NYPD, NYFD and other local agencies that were first on the scene were under-equipped, underprepared, untrained, and altogether ineffective.”

“The United States government does not subsidize losers,” concluded the prominent federal elected official.

“The alleged terrorist attacks of 9/11 were a hoax, and we applaud the United States Congress for making an important first step towards embracing this sad fact,” said representatives of the controversial Architects & Engineers for 9/11 Truth. “There were no courageous acts of selflessness on the part of first responders on 9/11,” explained the fringe group. “Just a bunch of idiots who didn’t get the memo.”

Opponents of the James Zadroga 9/11 Health and Compensation Act were quick to point out that the best way to discourage future occurrences of bravery and altruistic behavior in the face of life-threatening danger in the heat of an unprecedented international crisis is to make it plain that such acts will in no way, shape or form be tolerated by the government of the United States of America.

“The people have spoken,” concluded Luke Messer (R-IN), the Republican Policy Committee Chairman. “And the people have zero patience for 9/11 first responders.”