Republican leaders gathered on Thursday to bid a tearful farewell to their short-lived party makeover and express regret that the GOP’s attempt at political decorum had failed so spectacularly and so broadly in its first real test. But many of the party’s lawmakers admitted to a weepy sense of relief that they ...

Republican leaders gathered on Thursday to bid a tearful farewell to their short-lived party makeover and express regret that the GOP’s attempt at political decorum had failed so spectacularly and so broadly in its first real test. But many of the party’s lawmakers admitted to a weepy sense of relief that they would no longer be expected to keep to “a tone of respecting the other side’s opinion.”

“I guess we thought we could get people organized and learn from what [President] Obama did,” said a Republican National Committee member, wiping away tears as he tried to compose himself. “But frankly, I don’t know what we were thinking. That would be like expecting us to learn from scientists about global warming.”

As Republicans look for a new new path to victory, party officials from all 50 states convened for an emergency winter soul dispensing meeting of the Republican National Committee to hash out ways to “reverse engineer” their ill-fated plan for broadening the party’s appeal to attract more female, young, and Hispanic voters.

Surrounded by soothsayers, self-help gurus, and scores of balloons emblazoned with the likeness of Ronald Reagan and the inspirational words “He Still Loves You,” Republicans gathered in Charlotte, N.C., again in hopes of recovering their mojo.

There was more finger-pointing and less soul-searching, as GOP leaders acknowledged the urgent need for the party to get back to its less welcoming ways, perhaps even alienating an even broader cross-section of Americans along the way.

“The Republican Party does not need to change its principles. We’re too far gone for that, anyway. But we might be able to change just about everything else we are doing – for the worse – because, as we’ve seen over the last month, that’s what we do best. And it only makes sense to play to your strength,” said an emotionally distraught Gov. Bobby Jindal of Louisiana. It was time, he added, to ditch the party’s failed experiment in moderation and brotherhood and “to recalibrate our immoral compass.”

There was more discussion about the challenges facing Republicans than the solutions, though Ted Cruz, the freshman Republican from Texas, is offering a seminar on indecorum and contempt that is expected to be well attended.

In interviews, Republican officials from across the country, still heartbroken from their fling with being more loveable, said the healing process is underway and called the unvarnished ridicule delivered during hearings for President Obama’s cabinet nominees and his departing secretary of state as “a healthy sign” that the party is ready to move on after its brief flirtation with becoming more like Democrats.

A red-eyed Reince Priebus, the Republican National Committee chairman, said, “A good break is a clean break.”

And though he admitted to being “a little embarrassed” by line of deferential questioning shown at the confirmation hearing for the new secretary of state, John Kerry, he said his party is showing every sign that the GOP’s flirtation with level-headedness is over.

Page 2 of 2 - “You know, as romantic as presenting a new face for the party sounded -- and I’ll admit, I was in love with the idea for at least a week -- we all knew this was going to end badly,” said Gov. Pat McCrory of North Carolina, who called for returning to “a tone of disrespecting the other side’s opinion.” He said Republicans also should bow to all viewpoints inside the party, declaring, “When you try to appease everyone, you satisfy no one and it’s time to face up to the truth, that we are not the party of satisfaction -- unless your idea of contentment is being gored by a bull.”

Newt Gingrich, the former House speaker, who competed unsuccessfully for the Republican presidential nomination, said that the party had to get back to basics.

“And I want you to note that ‘basic’ contains the word ‘base.’ If you remember that, and I remember that, we’ll get past this,” the morning-coat-bedecked Mr. Gingrich said as he held court with committee members and reporters. “We had hoped maybe things could change. Well, that world ain’t here, so now we have to make adjustments and not try for something so far-fetched.

“May I suggest colonizing the moon?”

Philip Maddocks writes a weekly satirical column. He can be reached at pmaddocks@wickedlocal.com.