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Forget about applying for employment at prestigious NASA using the NASA site careers section. Amy Kudough did it simply by posting a reply to a recent article posted on NASA’s Facebook page. The young ambitious woman had only just posted her desire to work for the the US government agency when they replied directly to her message. “I felts that if I expresses my wants they would hires me. I’m very happys!” States 83 year old Amy.

In a phone interview with NASA career specialist Andre Mills explained why they bypassed their stringent requirements. “It was very clear that this young woman’s ambition alone was all we needed. We didn’t care that her english sucked potatoes, or that she wasn’t even a US citizen or even that she hadn’t yet even applied to a US university for a useful education in aerospace.” When we asked about how this affects future hiring practices, Andre answered matter-of-factly. “The fuck are you talking about? Hiring practices are meant to be bypassed, that’s why we make them. Look, if we kept stuck on wanting people to be properly educated in order to work in the aerospace industry the unwashed masses would never get a shot. It’s only fair that we forget all about the protocols we put in place over decades to make sure the right stuff is acquired.”

Other specialist high level careers, including the president of the United States, are now starting to follow NASA’s example and have begun employment drives on social media sources such as Twitter, Couch Surfing, Bebo, Sport Lobster and Tea Party Community.

In a turn of events that can only be described as momentous a Regina man who long supported the idea of a spherical earth is now a staunch supporter of an earth that is flat. The reason? He was called “sheeple” on the popular social media giant Facebook. The white male, age 52 and a blue collar worker, chooses to remain nameless due to the embarrassment that he admits is too much. “It’s just too much for me. I don’t want my entire family to be caught up in what is clearly my own failing.”

When asked what it was in the comment that convinced him to make the change he replied, “it was the word ‘sheeple’.” The word is commonly used by addle minded flat earth believers who commonly comment on NASA articles on Facebook and is a contraction of the two words ‘sheep’ and ‘people’. “Until then I had no idea that being smart and supporting science and discovery was where I went wrong. It’s clear to me now… I was such a moron that it was sickening,” he states. When he was asked what his initial reaction was he responded matter-of-factly, “I vomited… a lot. I couldn’t eat for days. Now I know,” the man explained, while tearing up, “that being an ignorant, stupid, jackoff who posts poop emojis on NASA articles is good and proper. I will never go back to being reasonable and logical again.”

The next time you critique Star Trek watch out. Recently a local geek was offered the first Accuracy Technician position at the Star Trek Useless Facts Foundation. The organisation has opened it’s doors to those whom they see as the most proficient in advising others how little they really know about the popular TV show. When approached by the foundation Malcolm Benedict jumped at the opportunity stating, “I was both surprised and honoured that I was their pick. At first I thought it was nasty joke. I mean, my non-geeky friends are always about the gags at my expense. After a bit of research and an interview I am now making money doing what I was always doing for free.”

When we interviewed Admiral Armand Hammer, president and founder of STUFF, he explains the importance of getting Star Trek facts straight. “I mean, c’mon… there are people out there confusing Star Trek with Star Wars, creating fanfiction with no regard to canon and no respect for the hard work the rest of us put in to maintain some semblance of consistency.” We mentioned to the Admiral that even the writers of Star Trek frequently get things wrong and his answer was surprising. “Fuck’em… fuck the writers, they obviously don’t know shit and will write whatever they fancy at any given time. The foundation’s goal is to supply filmmakers with the next generation of good writers and advisers that the franchise deserves.”

Other positions yet to be filled are, Useless Facts Adviser, Worthless Knowledge Archiver and WTF Physics Coordinator. So, the next time you post any comment about the Star Trek franchise on social media, be on the watch for Malcolm, for he’ll burn you. “Actually, it’s `they’ll buuurn ya’, from All Our Yesterdays of the original series. Please use a little effort, okay?” Says Malcolm. Good job, Malcolm. You finally found your niche.

I’m not going to use your name. I’m not even going to give a clue to others how I know you. However, when you do recognize that I am talking to you, also realize my attempt to keep your identity, and thus the horrible nature of your personality, secret from others knowing exactly how bad of a person you really are. Also realize how terribly disappointed in you I am.

One would think that at some point in your adult life you would have learned that simply denying the existence of a problem does not make it cease to exist. It will sneak up from behind and tear off a sizable chunk of your ass. Nor is it appropriate to discount the obvious, those things I don’t need to mention because they’re bloody obvious. I don’t know, maybe you’re just eeking out the rest of your life in blissful ignorance of them because you don’t want to think about it.

However, you keep bringing up the topics. The obvious answer is that you do want to think about it. You keep thinking about it and talking about it until you rage about it. It’s partially about the rage, though. You love to rage, it feels good and in the end you have the feeling of triumph. But that feeling of disappointment creeps in, because even though you tell me exactly how wrong and stupid I am I still “don’t understand”.

It does astound me that someone as “highly educated” as yourself still doesn’t accept reality. In fact, I question your true motivations. Is the evidence uncomfortable and it’s just easier to crap all over anything that threatens your artificial comfort zone, or are you deliberately being an asshole? Yes, that last word was necessary. It expresses exactly the kind of person you would be if you were doing all this on purpose.

The pleasantries boat already sailed a long time ago when you shifted to badly hidden insults and lies to wallpaper over the gaping holes of your philosophy. Suck it up or not, the facts – or all the consequences of ignoring them – don’t care whether or not you believe them. I don’t care either.

I’m not going to use your name. I’m not even going to give a clue to others how I know you. However, when you do recognize that I am talking to you, also realize my attempt to keep your identity, and thus the horrible nature of your personality, secret from others knowing exactly how bad of a person you really are. Also realize how terribly disappointed in you I am.

One would think that at some point in your adult life you would have learned some semblance of humanity, especially since you had seen and been through so much of the exact same vitriolic hatred that you so proudly display.

Let’s dive right in, shall we? I don’t know or care to speculate, politically. I’m more concerned about the failure of basic moral reasoning. What it is that really drives someone to accuse an entire ethnic group of people that they’re “filthy”, “stink”, and are “diseased”? What happens that makes an otherwise reasonable human being become so ignorant and disrespectful for entire populations of other human beings? I would joke and say that so-and-so isn’t racist, so-and-so hates everyone equally.

But that’s not true either, is it? Because you do have your favourites, you announce them with the same hubris you use on those you hate. I can only guess that it’s because you honestly feel that it exonerates you from the dirty, stinking and diseased opinions you have of the others. You ought to reasonably know that it doesn’t actually work that way. Hating someone for no other reason but ethnic background is still discrimination, it is still racism and it is still absolutely wrong no matter how many others you chose to like to make up for it. That’s an egg that cannot be un-boiled.

It’s not even that you don’t know better. You absolutely know that what you are doing is wrong on the most fundamentally moral level. It’s not that you’re stupid either. That you have set up such an elaborate web of cultural biases is a testament to your intellect.

It’s not just wasted effort, either. It’s the fact that you know you’re charging at windmills that is most concerning. There were times that I regarded you with high respect for what you have actually accomplished. Now I find it difficult feeling anything but disgust. I’m not sorry to say this, but you’re simply a morally inferior being… and I think you may know that too.

Me Watching US Politics Right Now…You know, it’s just too damned funny some of the stuff the power elite is pulling and getting away with. Not the part where they’re getting away with it as much as it’s the people letting them do it for so long, and now they’re feeling the fruits of those labours. That’s the funniest, right there.