Thursday, 3 February 2011

Notebook: responsibility and writing

Hello, the blog. It’s been a very strange few months. Things have been moving fast and, due to an auspicious combination of luck, class privilege, working twelve-hour days and being in the right place when things were happening, I’m now a journalist who people have heard of and stuff. I’ve had a big think about the consequences of that this week, and this is my post about it, which will probably come across as massively wanky and self-indulgent, particularly when so many really important things are happening in the world.I’m mostly writing this so I can get it all out and get it down and concentrate on those more important things. If it helps, you’ll get the basic sense of this post from just skipping to the penultimate paragraph now.

So, I'm experiencing a bit of vertigo. Nine months ago I had just over a thousand Twitter followers; now it’s nearly thirteen thousand. Nine months ago it was a huge nerve-wracking fiasco for me to talk on a regional radio driveshow; last month I was a panellist on Any Questions. Nine months ago I was a blogger in the process of trying to improve my writing in the hopes of someday, maybe, being a ‘proper’ commentator’; I’m now a columnist for the country’s foremost leftwing magazine,earning a living as a full-time comment-and-features journo, and have written opinion pieces for the Guardian, the Evening Standard, the Independent and others. I got to talk at the Fabian Society conference! People from the BBC sometimes ring me up and ask what I think about things!

I’d be an idiot to pretend it's not all very exciting. Even when it’s terrifying and intimidating,which is most of the time, I remember that it makes my parents proud, and that’s always something to be glad about, because frankly my mum and dad have put up with quite enough crap from me over the years. I’m not trying to bitch and whine: manifestly,I’ve been handed a pair of golden slippers, and it would be ugly and ungrateful to complain that they pinch.

It does raise issues, though – because despite what some people inevitably believe, my writing is not a self-promotion exercise. Far from it. I care passionately about the politics and the movements I am engaged with,and I am having to learn very fast, by trial and error, how I can best behave in order to be useful to those movements. I’m having to anticipate what I might do or say that might damage or cause divisions within the causes with which I am associated. There is, bluntly, a lot more I can do now to fuck stuff up.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not under some delusion of being ever so terribly famous – it's not like I get recognised in the street. I have been recognised on two separate occasions at the same bus stop in Bethnal Green, but since I estimate that about half the people who read my blogs and articles probably live within shouting distance of E9 and have a tendency to wander down the Old Ford Road at midnight on a Thursday eating chips, that’s no huge surprise. I do, however, have a more powerful platform than I’d ever anticipated- at least not, in my nuttiest dreams, until I was in my mid thirties - and that’s daunting.

It’s daunting, because I’m in my early twenties and still learning the rules. The whole way I relate to my work and to my friends on the internet (and most of my friends are on the internet!) needs to change, now. This week I’ve finally knuckled under and accepted that.

It means accepting a certain level of responsibility. It means no longer posting quite so many profanities and details of my favourite bedroom activities in my Facebook profile. It means absolute integrity, being more mature and less impulsive. It means that the ripple effects of things I write and say are no longer small and friendly: if I call a fellow activist a cunt, it’s not just playful snark, it’s a big deal. If I tweet momentary disillusion with a protest movement,it might actively dishearten a few hundred people involved, and that matters. The way I choose to tell a story - romantic and human-centred, like this week's New Statesman cover story on the student movement, or theoretical and dispassionate, as some would have preferred? - matters to people. And I can no longer behave as though it doesn't.

All of this also means receiving a great deal more criticism – some of it good and constructive, and a whole lot of it frightening, horrible, threatening and nasty. I now receive rape threats and death threats on a daily basis; I am the subject of various spiteful right-wing hate campaigns and have my very own following of Tory and libertarian trolls. Haters gonna hate, and that's par for the course; but I can no longer respond to every criticism individually, as I used to make a point of doing. I have to block some of this petty shit out, or I’d go barmy.

I guess what all of this is leading up to is: please bear with me. This stuff is all new and vertiginous, but I’m not making the same mistakes twice. The biggest mistake, the one I regret the most actually, is neglecting my share of the housework with all the work and chores and running around I've been doing, with the result that it now probably seems, to my lovely and long-suffering housemates, like I suddenly think I'm too good for the washing up.

From now on, it's time to properly accept that what I write matters to people, time to step up to the responsibility I've been handed and do a lot more to earn it. It's time to behave like a proper commentator, not a terrified kid- even if in my head I’m still a weird schoolgirl who hides in the bin reading comics and has panic attacks when people speak to her without warning.

I anticipate that soon the fuss will die down, things will be less frazzled and I’ll have space to take stock. Probably not for another few months, though, cause I have a book coming out and another one on the way and I’m doing more things on the telly. Meanwhile, I’m gradually learning how to handle all the pressure without being a total dickhead.

That’s about it, really. Thanks for reading, if you’ve made it this far – I appreciate that your time is limited and that there are several revolutions on at the moment. If I ever lose perspective, or start praising George Osborne, or just turn into a massive wanker,I’m counting on the people whose opinions I’ve always valued to take me to task. I've relied on the advice and support of several very good friends and some wise strangers to get me through these past few months, and it's been invaluable. You know who you are. Thank you, I love you. Solidarity.

Your new-found popularity is probably a reflection of your down-to-earth approach to writing about things. It's very refreshing to be able to read an opinion piece without the feeling of being dictated to, so please keep it up!

Man, I would be totally freaked-out if I were receiving rape/death threats daily!! How do you cope? Have you gone to the police? I would like to think differently, but I think I would have just given the whole thing up to live somewhere in the countryside with my cat, away from rapers! Kudos on your bravery! =)

Your writing continues to inspire. You've really stepped up to the challenges you describe so far - and admirably. Forget the haters, keep believing in your voice. The level of self-awareness displayed in this post would put most journos and writers to shame. Bravo.

You deserve all the good stuff and none of the bad stuff, but I'm glad you feel able to rise above the haters and keep at it. The world needs passionate journalism and people who really want to make a difference.

Wish I'd overcome the shys to talk to you at the launch of Reclaiming The F-Word now. Guess I'll just have to point at the telly when you're on and say "I almost met her!" :-)

I've always said if you're succeeding at what you're passionate about to the point where people are talking mad shit about you, you must be doing it right. It gets easier to take after the first decade, believe me I know. It sounds like you're conscious and grateful about your position, which means you're way less likely to abuse it, which is awesome. I'm looking forward to more down to earth, no-bullshit coverage from you. Rock on.

I'm quite happy I have neither the talent, luck or connections to make it big; I couldn't stand going from person to personality. I know having to stop myself from speaking my mind half the time would be agonising. :(

All I can say is, good luck. You've gotten far, you can do good, stick with it.

I just wanted to let you know that I think you're totally brilliant. I started reading your blog when I was going through a really hard time and it was one of the things that helped pull me through because it made me think and gave my mind something to focus on. So thank you, personally, for that - and know that the things that you write now do make a difference. Don't be disheartened, you're fantastic!

great to read this, and awesome to see you doing so well - i reckon you wouldn't be if you didn't deserve it, and if you weren't so pasionate and up on the issues you shed light on. always fantastic when recognition is well-deserved.also, thanks for writing so honestly about it all.i promise to never call you a wanker (unless that George Osbourne thing happens - but even then, i'd say it kindly ;0) )

best wishes and luck for all you do,

w

ps - not sure if you'll remember someone sat near you at becky l's 'the cuts won't work' event? black, big, in a scarf and glasses - you asked if i was in a band? well, just for the record, i recognised you then, and was chuffed to have met you (however fleetingly/not really at all), especially when you yelled down the unfunny 'jokes' of one of the comedians.

Well bully for you kid. When I first heard you and read your stuff a few weeks back I was impressed. Amidst a mass of twats exercising their egos through the internet's multiple manifestations your utterings had the ring of competence and commitment about them. I had not even spotted that you were really just a scared kid wandering in a wildly exciting sweetshop and constantly standing at new crossroads looking at the signs. What you have written here would provide a useful checkpoint for all the ranters and ravers. But be sure there will be plenty of rude, crude and truly nasty people who will try to break you; don't let them. Power to this person; remember always, today IS the tomorrow you worried about yesterday...

I have read some oft he criticism you have received-especially over the last few weeks. I'm really glad you have responded, most poeple would just sit back and ignore what has been said. Saying that I don't think it is right to over analise and read all the criticism you receive, it can't be too good for your health.I really enjoy reading your blogs and articles, so keep up the good work!p.sI'm sure some of our fellow protesters should learn the meaning of solidarity!

Good luck with everything - I'll keep the odd eye on you on Facebook as your unsurprising, meteoric rise continues if you ever need a hand - and I sure hope the haters don't succeed in pulling you down!

Well, that was massively wanky and self-indulgent... just kidding! What is the forthcoming book called? And what is it about? Who's publishing it? When? Will it be obtainable through a book shop or only by post under plain cover? And do you have a literary agent who is representing you?

Hi Laurie - I just wanted to add to others' voices, my respect for your honesty and willingness to reflect openly on all of this. People call you out for romanticism, when you talk about the new qualities of how resistance and radical discourse is emerging at the historical moment we're in, but I think there is something new emerging, not least, in our willingness to do our thinking in public, to talk about what we get wrong and to think (and feel) things through together. It's part of what I've been trying to do with New Public Thinking (http://newpublicthinkers.org/?page_id=2 )

My best friend at university was suddenly propelled into the public eye as a writer when we were still undergraduates. He had a hell of a ride - but has lived to tell the tale, and the closer I get to the experience of (in my case fairly minor) visibility, the greater my respect for what he went through.

In 2009, when Paul and I launched Dark Mountain, I think I really believed that no one had a bad word to say against me. Within a year, as DM and Space Makers both began to draw attention, I realised that I just hadn't been worth the effort of saying bad words about before! One thing I realised was the value of not constantly running at 110% of my capacity (easier said than done!) - if I'm on the edge of burn-out and I read someone slagging off one of my projects, it can take hours to recover; if I've managed to get enough sleep and some time away from people/computers, I hardly notice it.

Anyway, I'm doubtless giving you the same advice you've heard from dozens of others by now! Best of luck handling the attention over the next few months - you seem to be doing well so far.

"behave like a proper commentator"? How about questioning the role of commentator? I'm not suggesting you stop writing, but it's worth considering whether you are fulfilling a certain appetite to consume, no? And potentially getting into the game of setting new norms to replace old norms - via a hierarchical and undemocratic media form. Not poking just for the sake of it, just think it's worth thinking about.

This post made me cry a little bit, as did your tweet about taking a break a few weeks ago. Thankyou for your commitment to integrity. I think it's the mark of a life-long activist - of which we need many!

This post was really refreshing, don't be afraid of talking about yourself when you need to. It isn't self-indulgent, if you think it's time to talk about you, safe to say the followers you care about were thinking it was time too.

"What is going on with her?", they must've been wondering, "How is she coping?" "Is she thinking she's so cool she can just carry on like it was when she was obscure?"

This is reassuring to read, this post, you haven't gone all professional cookie cutter columnist, your still thinking like a normal person, considering your situation, noting its weirdness and it's really good to hear your thoughts on the situation.

I find it very interesting to follow your writing (although your opinions slightly differ from mine) and commend your commitment to the causes that you believe in. I am however looking forward to you moving towards a more 'theoretical and dispassionate' style of journalism as it makes it more readable for someone like me who wants to learn about the opinions of others but may find a more romantic writing style more difficult to swallow.

I remember first coming across you through a debate with Richard Seymour about the SWP, then Elly B/Clare Solomon mentioning you about the tine of the Iraq inquiry appearance a year ago. Now i don't agree with some things you say and if you're planning to be at Marxism this year (which I hope you might be and have been told you are) then it would be wonderful addition. As I'm 23 myself, struggling through an OU degree on a pittance of a wage attempting to hope I could earn a buck from the thoughts I jot down towards something published- I see you as an inspiration, an asset to the movement and I'm glad you do what you do. This isn't brown nosing, it's an admittance to a feeling I previously had that being successful as a writer isn't exclusive to age groups (well not entirely anyway), even on our beautiful, hopeful and just tradition of the left. Right winger or libertarian charlatans haven't realised the main result of their bile directed towards you being a thicker skin, more acute polemics and their utter redundancy. Keep it up, solidarity and I hope to meet you one day.

Hi Laurie,Same old again, but wanted to add my voice anyway. I started reading your blog about a year ago and have been consistently heartened and excited by the courage and force in your work (the NS blogs are a triumph), your promising trajectory and your extra-large teaspoon.

Well, you have one old(ish) geezer in New York who follows your every word, who thinks that you are an important writer, and, who beleives that your passion and commitment to your causes is inspiring, old(er) geezer in NY thinks you are best new writer in a long time, knows other old(er) people feel the same...

Nice one Laurie. I like your writing style, and I like your opinions (though would place myself to the left of you!)

don't fall into the trap they will set of asking you to be the commentator for a generation or for the young left. There are many hues of both of these... and perhaps it is best to call yourself A young lefty commentator - and ensure THEY are corrected when they label you as "the voice of a generation" etc.

I used to live in Bethnal Green by the canal, northern end.. I think it was near Old Ford road.. its so long ago. I'd cycle into the city or along the canal path.

Obviously things have moved on for you, and yes its a pity you can't let it all out.. the public eye isn't for me. I was famous in one place in Japan in 94/95 .. everywhere I went people knew who I was as I appeared on a TV advert 5 times a night running with a pair of tyres looking like a right idiot. 'Hi tyre man.' was shouted at me everywhere I went. Never again.

God I'm almost as bad as you talking about myself. My only claim to fame now is that I knew Laurie Penny before she was famous. I boast to people all the time about it. Everyone goes, "Who?"

I always look for your pieces in the NS. I think you've brought much needed first-hand experience to the student protests and other issues.

Piece of advice, though, and that was my letter to the NS, which they published. Tone down the language sometimes. Too much hyperbole obscures your writing. And I truly believe that you're a very good columnist. Cameron and co. might be in a mission to strip the NHS and other public services of their more valiable assets in order to put them out to tender, but that hardly compares to the Final Solution.

I wouldn't say "wanky and self-indulgent" at all, I'd say "thoughtful, serious, meaningful, moving, and incredibly well-written". I am one of your "13,000 new followers on Twitter", and (chronologically at least) belong to your parents' generation. You write with passion and enthusiasm and I enjoy reading what you write, even when - or especially when - I don't already agree with your position. Sometimes you've managed to change my mind. Dealing with abusive criticism can be incredibly difficult, but please don't stop writing.

Not sure this counts as a comment really laurie, (as I should have emailed it to you - it is more personal than public - but i imagine your email in box is already crazily overcrowded not to mention having to moderate these). Anyway, I really wanted to say well done, i never thought there would be a feminist writer who I enjoyed (and looked forward to) reading in NewStatesman since Kira Chocrane left. We (my partner and I) are also very proud of what you have achieved. It is brilliant. Your writing is excellent. I particularly liked the piece in this week's about the fashion industry. Keep on keeping on! (just read some of the previous comments and thought I should come up with something original instead of this - but then thought fu&^ it - I/we should be reassured that we are singing from the same song-book :) - we love you too xxx

Had a big wave at Trafalgar Square. Make more noise and then release your book. This wave cpuld take you out of scraping by and into the field of dreams. Is you book ready? Do you need a hand? I can edit for nothing if you want .. my English is good enough when I try. I'd love to see you make a heap of money.

I must say, dear Penny, you are quite a compelling character. However, beware the spectre of fame. It's a hauntingly fickle friend who knows no loyalty, and will cast you to the wayside without a care.

Nice that you're still going, Penny. Didn't catch you on 'Question Time', or maybe that was 'Any Questions?', in which case you're on there again right now.

If you're at all interested in Radio 4, you might be interested in the closure of pretty much the last bastion of open criticism of Beeb policy there, the boards. Now no-one can open a topic, they have to really on some BBC employee blogging about it, and this happened *the week* after 'Feedback' went off the air.

Also, this entry was written in early February. No need for a huge post, but what have you been up to, apart from the obvious..?

Look, you clearly are a pretty intelligent person and this post was a good one from you.

But my issues as a person who struggled and run a small business is listening to people like you Laurie and the entire cabal of professional "activists", career politicians from ALL wings and people who make an entire career out of commenting on the world that most of running businesses, working in charities, working in the nhs, employees working hard etc LIVE at the front end.

You are like critics commenting on plays, but not having the talent to actually write or put one on yourself.

All you lot, career - politicians, journos, activists etc should be made to actually hold on to those jobs for a short period and then we have a new intake of people who have actually DONE work in business, down mines, on wards etc.

We would have much better and rounded political decisions, as opposed to people who have got one song and just keep singing it with no recourse to real life. People who have studies politics at Uni or wherever and then just stay in politics. Whether writing about it or being in parliament.

Politics isnt about that creating a bubble for all you lot to inhabit. It is about ordinary people from all classes, genders, religions etc, with EXPERIENCE, being elected.

Ive heard your opinions and they mostly are intelligent, but take straight from socialist comics, much as the right take theirs straight from bigotry and their belief system.

And you are ALL wrong. Life is much more subtle and nuanced. With every opinion and idea having a number of inputs and opinions, not the "I think this and I dont care what any other opinion is and mine is the only valid one". Erm no actually, it isnt.

And one thing to sign off with. Laurie, Ive heard so many time you be asked a humerous or "light" question, and every time you always have to skew it to some political or dogmatic point. Can you ever answer a humerous question with a big of humour and humility?

Lastly, by the way, I dont hold to people abusine you or anyone. It shows a shallow intellect. So I hope you dont think that is what Ive done here.

It is a little weird hearing your name pop up occasionally on the news and that. This must be what it's like when people like an obscure band that suddenly becomes popular. I will of course insist that your experimental early work was the best and your last release was poppy sellout rubbish. Yes.

I er... I completely spazzed up trying to remain anonymous last time I said hello, because I'm an idiot. Sorry about that.

Anyway, glad to hear things are taking off. Just remember to thine own self be true and all that, and the rest will take care of itself. Any estimates on when the book'll be out, or is it going to be a Douglas Adams style lock-in?

Attacking your writing – which is always viewed within its context because that’s how journalism works (saying it is ill-informed on a certain topic, for example,) your personal ideology or beliefs is not attacking you. And you should defend yourself as the confident, opinionated woman that you clearly are rather than claiming to be a victim, because this doesn't actually give any concrete credential to what you're saying. It just suggests that you don't know how to counter the argument (even if you do.)

Obviously I'm aware that a lot of people's beliefs are pretty set in stone and won't change no matter what you say to them, but isn't that trading-off of and comparing different points of view the whole point of having a debate? Engaging with others and finding out why people believe what they believe, and finding the diversity interesting, rather than reducing it to a black and white 'us vs. them' mentality which is so simple and attractive to a lot of people (fits nicely on a placard) or 'x doesn't like me as a person/is clearly very prejudiced so they obviously won't agree.'

Everyone is a little bit prejudiced when it comes to certain things (this sounds like a song from a crap version of Avenue Q) because no one's brought up in a vacuum socialising only with inanimate objects. I went to a comprehensive school in East London (blah blah insert statistics about poverty indexes or percentage of pupils on free school meals etc. here if you want, I don't really think "I went to a rougher school than you" competitions are useful in any way at all) and partly because of this, I find privately-educated Oxbridge-graduates (for example) using the heavily-loaded phrase "class war" and claiming to know a great deal about and speak for those that they have never had very much contact with (not out of choice; they just haven't,) and write with authority and idealistic passion about issues that have never really been on their real-life radar (not a bad thing!) a bit hard to swallow - and in short, a bit annoying (I don't use those arguments myself either, BTW.)

This is partly based on my own prejudice, but it also evokes these feelings for distinct reasons, which I've tried to explain and you should try to understand if you want to have debates with people other than your friends - and that lots of different people will listen to and respect you for.

Of course pretty much every writer is guilty of not fully engaging with the arguments of those who disagree with them, because it's a human trait; feelings are an instant reaction whereas actual reasoned thought often isn't possible until your initial reaction has passed. But without reading, thinking about and engaging with those who don't agree with you, or who may hold opinions that set off your self-defence alarm bells on first glance, you're missing so much.

Anyway, that was longer than intended (I hardly ever argue with people on the internet due to a lot of the above reasons - it's quite exhausting.)

But anyway (and completely independent of anything I've mentioned here) I think you're a really talented writer, and look forward to reading more of your articles.

You should'nt really change too much. Match of the day is on so I will use a football analogy; the manager of the team on a cup run will tell his players to keep playing the same way because that is what has got them this far. Not bad advice really.

Can't remember what I posted a month or so back. Probably something about taking care not to give trolls too much sustenance, which is what a scatological response is to most of them. My words didn't make the grade, anyway. Hope these do.

Hope, also, that you find an angle on the Andrew Marr thing. I'm still burning (well, slightly flushed) about the 'Classic Collection' of videos his Independent scrapped halfway through, before I could pick up 'Citizen Kane' or 'Withnail & I'.

Then there's Martin Sixsmith. Only nine years after his prominent role in the downfall of Jo Moore, when a timid suggestion of his at the D0T was inflated by The Mirror and unknown others into a thundering 'Here I stand', he is back at the Beeb, with a series about Russian history on R4.

How soon they forget... http://www.guardian.co.uk/politics/2002/feb/15/byers.uk1

Just a shame you are wrong about pretty much everything all the time. Yet another one fighting prejudice and injustice with the trusty sword of... er... constant unjust prejudice.

Hopefully reality will mug you soon enough or perhaps if you are lucky you'll be able to do a Toynbee and pass unscathed into the untouchable upper echelons, complete with summer villa.

Still, either way I am sure if the sunny place to keep your champagne doesn't materialise the constant comfort of the leftie mutual support societies will enable you to avoid realty for long enough not to notice. Just keep the fallacy of your opponents lower moral standards close to your heart and you'll be ok. You're right because you care more.

A Hitchens or Cohen you are not. Hell, you're not even a Hari. Just a damned lucky inhabitant of a Guardian dream world.

Just remember the two golden rules: All people are divided into the oppressed and the oppressor and the oppressed are always of superior moral virtue.

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Penny Red is...

Laurie Penny, 25, journalist, author, feminist, socialist, utopian, general reprobate and troublemaker. Lives in a little hovel room somewhere in London, mainly eating toast and trying to set the world to rights. Drinks too much tea. Has still not managed to quit smoking. Regular writer for New Statesman, The Guardian and The Independent. Author of Meat Market (Zer0 Books, April 2011) and Penny Red (Pluto Press, October 2011).

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