Friday, December 19, 2003

Been to my third interview of the week, and this job seems almost mine! Great connexion with the boss, we talked about all sort of things besides the interview itself and he said I'd be one of the 2 or 3 people he'll present as finalists to the general manager... and that he had had the feeling, before meeting me and just by mu c.v. and letter, that I would be one of the "winning bets"...
New timetable that would be great for my son & me, once adjusted to change in lifestyle...

Thursday, December 11, 2003

Eva, my friend who is living on her own with her teenage daughter -Twice her size and four times her strenght, plus a tomboy and tough girl, while Eva has always been Happy-go-lucky- is in deep shit, too.
Last Friday we made a special dinner for us two, and drank a bottle of whine against the world while helping her out on her University tasks, and smoothing out rows between her and her daughter.
A month ago, I wouldn't have guessed the next time I had a weekend to myself, without my son, I would be cooking prawns & sardines for Eva instead of going out 'till early hours with Joan. Plus, she's my friend through Joan, so she's in a difficult position rigth now, on my side as a woman who has gone through similar shit during her life as I have, but of course, Joan is her friend and has been for ages.
Last night we had a few telephone conversations. I have to keep reminding her that her daughter's attitude is typical in the Teens, and her phoning Dad, who lives elsewhere and has no relationship with them,, nor helps out moneywise of course, is a usual way of testing her power.
I keep telling her this, so that she'll remind me in a few years, when my son Hugo is in his teens and serching for help against my rules in his absent dad.

I'm managing not to call Joan, not to text message him... the worst part is every lunchbreak, when he used to phone to see how my morning had been. Can hardly eat any lunch, as my stomach cramps thinking I'll have no more happy calls from him... at least for a looooong while.
Gooood, how I miss him!!!!
Nate has been around, welcome back to comfort me and glad to do so, too. He's really nice, but I have to go through my pain from losing Joan before getting more involved in old flames... though it does help to have someone loving, who cares, and who sits by your side kissing you gently as you try to sleep.
He is, as had been, a great guy. I love him, missed him during my relationship with Joan as he tried to keep out of the way, and am glad to see him and talk on the phone now and then. But I am not in love with him, and though he has been very good to me, I never really was. I love him but am not in that insane state you go into when you really need to hear someone's breath, hear their voice over the phone for the n-th time, watch someone in their sleep... It's a shame, but true.

Tuesday, December 09, 2003

Lost Joan, officially now.
We talked it over two weeks ago, I'm one of the best people he's ever met, great fun, great lover, great person... but love him too much, he's not up to my level... so, as he feels I'm making his life too easy, and he's making mine too hard, we'd better split.
I offered to keep on seeing each other as friends, maybe as lovers too, in a while, but he's scared of making me suffer even more like that, 'cause I still love himAt first he seemed more relaxed and normal with me, after our talk, and for a couple of days he was himself again: fun, friendly... though instead of being on the phone three to five times a day it was only once, or every other day.
But since, he's been back to his disappearing acts, and cold towards me when I went to get some of my stuff from his place... once he was quiet, but touching when we got to talk a bit, said he was making progress with his main problems -personality, drugs...- and admitted he was being weird with me, but "also feeling weird and sick with himself"... Next time I turn up for some more stuff he's almost acting as if I were an acquaintance!
Told him on Saturday to call me sometime, he said he'd call that evening... I knew he wouldn't. Shall make myself not call him 'till he gets in touch, whenever that may be.