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The Sexy Book of Sexy Sex

We’ve been a fan of Kristen Schaal’s since she played super-fan Mel on the awesomely genius show Flight of the Conchords. (If you’ve never seen it, stop reading this post immediately and add it to your Netflix queue. But come back!) She’s now a correspondent on The Daily Show, where her boyfriend Rich Blomquist is a writer, and they’ve written a book together called The Sexy Book of Sexy Sex. As you might have guessed, it pokes (heh) fun at the sex-writing biz. But we can take it. Really, we can. Just to prove it, here’s an excerpt — a 12-step guide to being a bad girl, a.k.a. a toad-licking crazy girl. And yes, for the record, we know that kink and crazy are not the same thing. But that doesn’t mean that they’re not occasional bed partners.

Is there any truth to the rumor that crazy girls are more fun in bed? There’s only one way to find out: get your psycho insane freak on! A relationship can only become interesting when it’s unpredictable and dramatic. So pull down that halter top and unpack those daddy issues, it’s time to take your man for a wild ride. Follow these twelve taboo steps that will have him too scared to say no:

STEP 1: SURPRISE HIM!

Men loved to be surprised, especially if it’s his penis being surprised by a warm mouth under his desk in the middle of work. Sneak out of bed at 3 am and hide in his office until it’s time to make your move. Even if his satisfied moans get him fired, you’ll still be inducted into the Bad Girl Hall of Fame.

STEP 2: SCARE HIM

A good scare gets the heart racing, and that means the blood is getting to his penis even faster. Mug him in the parking lot. Wear a mask and carry a gun and ask for all his money. Then order him to give you all his penis money. If he’s confused, make him dance by shooting bullets at his feet just as a bad girl does. Then have your way with him in the car. After he realizes that it was you all along he will be scared of you, but more important, he’ll respect you.

STEP 3: PEE ON HIM

This is a great way to tell him you’ve lost control of your mind and your bladder. While you’re doing it, be sure to look him directly in the eye so he knows that you know that the toilet is only a few feet away and you don’t even care.

STEP 4: CUT YOURSELF

Tell your man that you’re upset you haven’t fused your spirits together with a blood ritual the way your parents did when they were young. Slice each other’s palms with your trusty switchblade, then drink each other’s blood. If he still isn’t turned on, whip up a batch of blood margaritas. When you are done making love, say that cuddling is boring and carve his name into his chest. Every time he looks in mirror he will remember who he is and that he has a real spark plug for a girlfriend.

STEP 5: MAKE UP A SWEAR WORD

Everyone says “fuck.” It’s become almost inoffensive as the word “celery.” But if you make up a word, like burtcod, and tell him that it means to fuck hard all night long, then you have a secret code between the two of you that is filthy dirty. And nothing’s more enjoyable than talking like a sailor in front of Grandma with your very own foreign tongue. “Pass the asparagus, Grandma, I need all the energy I can get tonight to burtcod.”

STEP 6: GET SYMBIOTIC TATTOOS

Having strange men doodle on you like a used cocktail napkin has become passé as a form of rebellion. A real bad girl gets a tattoo on her genitals! Make your danger ditch look like a monkey; then, while he’s sleeping, tattoo a banana on his penis. Once you both get over your skin infections, you can be sure your monkey will never go hungry!

STEP 7: PUNCH HIS EX IN THE FACE

Or someone who looks like her. This will excite him because it might be something that he wanted to do but couldn’t, until he found a bad girl like you. Occasionally, when you are out and about with him punch a stranger in the face. If he asks why you did that (he probably will), just say, “I thought that was your ex, and I wanted to punch her in the face.”

STEP 8: POOP ON HIM

Just when he thought that it couldn’t get any kinkier than you peeing on him, poop on him. Once you squat over him and lay your hot feces on his disbelieving chest he will have zero doubts that you are a completely crazy girl, and he’ll have the physical evidence to prove it.

STEP 9: GET THROWN IN JAIL TOGETHER

Tired of having sex in the bedroom every night? Do something that gets you both arrested, like using his credit card to give money to Al-Qaeda. There’s a good chance they’ll put you in separate jail cells, but he’ll have a shank in his pants imagining what kind of trouble you’re getting into with the other bad girls.

STEP 10: SHAVE OFF ALL YOUR HAIR

Being naughty requires a close shave down below. It’s sexy to have him shave it for you, using whatever dirty razor or rusty vegetable peeler you can find. Then tell him that you want him to shave your head too. Only a bad girl wouldn’t care about the classic aesthetics of feminine beauty. Then, when he’s not looking, take all the hair (including the pubes) and send it to his mom. With no explanation!

STEP 11: TIE HIM UP

Taking control in the bedroom is a great way show how wild you are. So try taking all the control. Tie him up. For days. Have your way with him and only feed him when he’s loud. You’ll be amazed how sexy and powerful you feel when only you have access to drinking water.

STEP 12: STRIP FOR HIM

Teasing him with his own private peep show will make him fall in love with you all over again. Add some intricate dance moves that include jazz hands and pelvic gyrations. Put some modern dance in there to show him that you are passionate and artistic. Then just when he’s worked into a frenzy, pee on him. Then poop on him. Then cut him. It will be a strip show he’ll never forget. And he won’t be able to get that kind of entertainment at any other club!