No I haven’t been feeding the homeless. There’s really no need to mock me.

Oh, I know! You had a heart attack?

God forbid HP. That’s a terrible thing to say.

Your dick fell off?

That’s just not funny.

Wait. Don’t tell me. You wrote another shitty children’s book?

No HP. I actually haven’t been busy with any of that stuff at all.

Then name one thing you’ve been busy with that’s more important than me.

OK. Let me see. Well for one, my pet bearded dragon, Cookie Monster has lost all functionality in his hind legs and I’ve been trying to nurse him back to health.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

You are heartless.

I’m sorry but that is actually more pathetic than your dick falling off.

It’s no laughing matter. My daughter and I took him to the Vet the other day and he said that Cookie Monster might have a genetic bone disease that is causing tiny fractures in his spine. I’ve been feeding him special vitamins through a syringe every morning before I go to work.

You’re a loser. Why don’t you just return the little shit and get your money back?

Because he’s a living thing and he’s become a part of our family that’s why.

He’s a fucking lizard and he doesn’t even know who you are. If it were me, he’d be a fucking belt by now.

You know what HP? I’m very disappointed in you. I’m also starting to regret having turned you on this evening.

OK. I’m sorry. I’ve just been lonely without you. We used to spend so much time together. Now I feel like I hardly ever see you anymore.

Oh I’m sorry pal. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I just needed some time away. I needed to take a little break that’s all. You’re still very important to me I promise. I knew there was something bothering you and now I totally understand where you’re coming from. Thanks for sharing.

So tell me more about your poor lizard. I didn’t mean all the nasty stuff I said about him.

I know. It’s OK. He’s also had trouble pooping. So I’ve been giving him warm baths every day and rubbing his belly to help induce his bowel movements. It’s really quite sad.

That’s terrible. I think I know what might help.

Really? What? I’ll try anything.

Why don’t you try sticking your fat thumb up his lizard ass and if that doesn’t work, you can make him into a wallet for Christmas.

Jason Mayo is Out-Numbered. In real life, he is the Managing Director and Partner
of the award winning NYC Digital Media Boutique, Click 3X. Jason is married and has two amazingly smart and beautiful daughters. They all live together and give each other much love and headaches. In 2010 Jason was chosen by BlogHer as one of the top 100 voices of the year. In 2011 and 2012 Jason made Babble's Top 50 Dad Bloggers list. In 2013 he was named to the "25 Dads Who Rock" list published by Working Mother, keeping company with Barak Obama, Jay-Z and Brad Pitt. Jason recently published his first children's book, "Do Witches Make Fishes?" All of the profits from the book are donated to The Garden of Dreams Foundation. Jason never thought he'd have daughters and now he'll always be, Outnumbered.