A blog to talk about the scientific and emotional aspects of infertility!

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Saturday, December 15, 2012

When making babies becomes a challenge !

All
of us want our life to be perfect. For most of us , a perfect life consists of
growing up comfortably, earning well, getting married to the love of our life,
having children and dying peacefully at a ripe, old age. Since we are so used
to viewing life through rose-tinted glasses, it is hard for us to accept life’s
bitter realities. As a result, any deviation from a so-called ‘perfect’ life is
viewed as a time of crisis. The inability to have a baby is one such life crisis
which can have enormous emotional impact on the individuals concerned.

The
sweetest dream of many married couples is to have a baby - a baby who will be
proof of their love and oneness, a baby who will make their life a celebration
by making it interesting and worthwhile, a baby on whom they can shower all their
love and affection, a baby from whom they can get lots of unconditional love
and a baby who will propagate their genes and make them immortals. For most
married couples, their ‘baby dream’
comes true even though they are not aware of the scientific details of the
reproductive process. They get married; enjoy physical intimacy; and one fine
day , the woman misses her menstrual cycle followed by a positive pregnancy
test. The moment a couple learns that they are going to be parents, is one of
the happiest and most exciting periods of their life. It gives them immense
satisfaction because one of their main goals in life is fulfilled – to
procreate! For many couples reproduction is a pleasurable pursuit, which brings
a lot of happiness and celebration in their lives. But for some, it becomes a
Herculean task , filled with desperation and heart-breaks. What happens when
this basic life goal is threatened?

Infertility
is one of the most difficult emotional crises one can go through and is hard to
cope with for many reasons. Infertility is a challenge which you face during the
prime of your life. Shouldn’t it be easier to fight it as you have the
necessary power and vigour to do so? A logical answer should be yes, but the
time we have to tackle infertility is also the period during which we come out of
our safe cocoon, get married, accept responsibilities and try to build a
family. That is the time period during which our sense of superiority is
highest. Everything in life seems to be achievable. Life appears rosy. During
that time infertility comes as a big blow to all the optimism you posses about
life. When people around you seem to achieve their reproductive goal so easily,
you are dismayed when you realise that this is going to be an uphill task for
you. Your pride dies and humility sets in ! Infertility gives a hard blow to our
ego and to face such harshness during our salad days makes life’s journey appear
extremely strenuous !

For
many women , including me , having a baby is a long cherished dream. Have you
ever watched a girl play with her dolls ? I have eagerly watched them and most
of the time the little ones like to role play as mothers. The love for
nurturing young ones is very much inherent in a female’s psyche , even from a
very young age (even from the age of 3 or so). I am sure many of us were a
loving and caring mom to our pretty dolls (and I am sure many of us are still
so !) and the longing for experiencing motherhood is deep-seated in a female’s mind,
heart and genes. I grew up in an Indian setting where motherhood is looked upon
with awe, respect and admiration. The air of secrecy surrounding a pregnant
woman, the sudden attention she gets, the amount of pampering given to her, the delight she takes in her growing tummy,
the way her face glows day by day, the ceremonies performed to highlight her
motherhood and all the celebrations associated with pregnancy and child-birth
made me dream of motherhood from a very young age. For example, in my hometown they
conduct a ceremony at the 7th or 9th month of pregnancy
(just like a baby shower) to welcome the young one and to honour the
mother-to-be. It is a very colourful ceremony attended by ladies and the best
part of the ceremony is that they decorate the arms of pregnant woman with so
many colourful glass bangles (it is believed that the clinging sound from the bangles
will make the baby happy). The expectant mother with her growing baby bump,
glowing face and with the soft sounds arising from her bangles is such a
pleasure to look at. I still remember the days where I longed to become a
mother just to wear so many bangles in my arms. That beautiful, unfulfilled
dream is still alive within me, deeply rooted in my heart. It hurts when that day
never seem to come true !

The
joy of motherhood becomes complete when a little one arrives. Who wouldn’t love
a new born baby ? Even the most
hard-hearted person will melt at the look of a young one. I remember the days
where I spent my time with little babies - looking and wondering at their perfect
features, the beauty of their sudden flashing smile which travels across their
lips when they are asleep (my elders used to say that God is showing a bunch of
flowers to the young one and playing with her, and that is the reason for that smile), their
warmth and their milky smell ! Those were the days during which my passion for
having a young one for myself grew steadily. A baby is a wonderful gift which
God leaves by your side when you are asleep - that is what I was taught when I was
a child and asked where did the baby come from !

My
love for young ones did not develop solely by looking at human babies ! We
always had pets at home, mostly cats-sometimes several of them. None of our
male cats were neutered and female cats spayed. So you can imagine the amount
of (re)productive activity that goes on. At least twice a year our female cat
gave birth to kittens. The mother cat and her kittens are such a pleasure to
watch-the way the mother cat feeds the young ones, the struggle it undergoes to
protect them, the happiness with which it plays with them, the effort it puts
in to teach them the much needed life skills (like hunting and self-protection)
! Once I even saw my cat give birth and that was a breath-taking moment for me!
More than the birth of the kittens, the birth of a mother amazed me ! Our
playful cat suddenly became a responsible mom! I have sat nearby a new born
calf for hours just to touch it and watch it; ignoring my parents pleas to return
home ! All these experiences taught me the happiness of motherhood. I understood that the joy of having young
ones is manifold and I naturally craved for it. I felt happy to be a female, I
felt happy to be a potential mother-to-be !

I
am sure most women, like me, are proud of their womanhood. Many have beautiful baby
dreams. What happens when such delicate dreams are threatened? After marriage
the only thought I had in mind was to get pregnant as early as possible. When
every month passed without anything happening, there was more and more panic.
Every menstrual cycle became emotionally painful. I started dreading the
arrival of AF. Can buying sanitary napkins become this hurtful ?! Sex became a
joyless act which was performed solely to get pregnant. When I was told that
without fertility treatment it is impossible for me to get pregnant , I broke
down. I stepped into the world of infertility, no, no infertility stepped into
my beautiful world and the first thing infertility did was to shatter my beautiful
dream - a dream of decorating my arms with many colourful glass bangles !

In
the beginning the most difficult thing for me to accept was the word
‘infertile’. This word carries lots of stigma with it. The dictionary gives
many meanings for this word like ‘barren - sterile - fruitless - unfruitful –
unproductive’. I am sure none of it seems to fit the image I have for myself. Am
I barren and fruitless? I remember the day when a papaya tree was planted in my
home when I was young. I and my dad planted it. I saw it grow in front of my
eyes. We are eagerly expecting the fruits from it. But unfortunately nothing
happened. It flowered but no fruits. My grandfather brought some men one day
and took away its life ! I was upset and asked my granddad for an explanation
and I still remember the words he said ‘what use is a barren tree which cannot
produce fruits ? It is just occupying the space.’ Am I barren? Am I just like
that papaya tree? Don’t I have a fertile heart and a fertile mind ? How could
someone label me as ‘infertile’? I despised infertility and the word
‘infertile’. As time went by I started to accept reality and tried to look for
ways to escape from infertility’s grip. But unfortunately infertility loved me
so dearly, it did embrace me very strongly !

After
infertility set in, my whole world changed completely. Life started to revolve
around only one thought - ‘a baby’. Doctor appointments became the norm.
Injections don’t cause anxiety anymore. 99 % of internet searches are about
infertility treatments. My body suddenly become an object of experimentation (several vials of blood taken, several novel
tests are conducted,different
drugs are tried on me and what not !) My
private parts are poked and prodded by the infertility specialists – ‘do I really
feel feminine enough now-a-days’ ? Conversation
with my in-laws became very uneasy. The pleasure associated with eating
favourite foods are gone, food is divided mainly into two category-foods that
help with fertility and foods that harm fertility ! Love-making became a chore
– the fruitlessness of the act brought in a sense of guilt. Making love with a
baby in mind is the most absurd side-effect of infertility- I wish no one
should ever go through it !

Money
suddenly became the utmost priority in life. No job - no money - no baby; there
is a baby connection to everything in life. Life started to appear very
insecure. When everyone around us is striving hard to earn money in order to
secure their future, buy a car, and buy a home , we are stuck in a costly
‘baby-making’ process ! Life is no longer
under our control and everything has become uncertain. The smooth flow of life
is suddenly interrupted and only a baby seems to be a solution for all the
craziness infertility has planted in our life.

Babies
are gifts from God – this is the thought with which I grew up. That is what the
culture in which I am brought up taught me. When baby making became a challenge
, the question that naturally came to my mind is– why is God denying me the
gift which he gives to everyone around me ? What did I do wrong? Am I a sinner
? Most religions preach that if you do wrong you will be punished by God.
Hinduism talks about how your past life ‘bad karma’ could affect your present
life. Religion instilled only one thought in my mind - you are a sinner ! Suddenly
all my present life wrong-doings (thank God I am not aware of my past life !)
became magnified out of proportion. Is there anything else which could damage
your self-esteem so badly ?

Infertility
did rob me and my dear one’s of many of life’s natural happiness. How will
someone react when they hear that their little sibling is pregnant ? That is
one of the happiest news to be shared and celebrated, right? For me it brought tears to my eyes ! Even
now I feel guilty for how I reacted at that moment ! I was not as mature as I
am now. I was not jealous - I just
didn’t know how to react. A sudden attack of happiness and sadness at the same
time made me cry. I felt toppled from my ‘big sister’ position suddenly. My own
misfortune came as a hindrance for the happiness I felt for my sister. I could
also sense how difficult it is for her to share life’s very important and very
happy news with me – after all, she is my little one who is naturally worried
about my emotional safety ! It didn’t end there, and throughout her pregnancy I
couldn’t ask her many of the questions a ‘big sister’ would ask. I didn’t have
any wisdom about pregnancy to share with her. She didn’t know what to ask me or
what to share with me. Throughout her entire pregnancy there was an ‘iron curtain’
between her and me which both of us were very reluctant to lift. But the day I
saw her little one , my heart just melted away - haven’t I become a mom too !
Aren’t they my children too?

Infertility
is very, very hard to deal with – physically, financially and emotionally. It
can shatter your routine, so-called ‘perfect’ life beyond belief. If you are
not careful enough , it can leave you bitter and full of scars at a very young
age. It can play havoc with your relationships. Is infertility bad ? Of course
it is , when you don’t have the right attitude towards it ! As Khalil Gibran
said ‘Your living is determined not so much by what life brings to you as by
the attitude you bring to life; not so much by what happens to you as by the
way your mind looks at what happens’.

I
am a good person. I love children. Why am I doomed to go through the pain of
infertility ? Why do bad things happen to good people ? There are many
different answers for this question and hopefully my next post will be on this
– ‘When bad things happen to good people – how infertile couples can find the strength to cope’!

24 comments:

I have read ur blog deeply,find it sad :-( but its life,we have to move on with what we have today.I just bow to you for having such a courage to write down all ur feelings and thoughts so bravely.My Gud wishes to u for life coming ahead of u.I m not associated with this coz i m a medical student of Ist year(MBBS),just wondering on net about some search,find ur blog and find myself unable to stop hand on writing this comment.

Hi Manju, Read ur blog today. Can't explain how similar my journey is as yours. feeling as if u have written this blog with your hands and my heart and head. i m married for 7 yrs and ttc for 6 years now, with every attempt a failure. like u even i have younger sisters and experienced the same when they conceived. This is my first ever attempt to write a reply to blog or something like that though have been reading a lot on internet. thank u for giving our feelings words when even a small thought bring tears . Hats off to ur courage. In all these 6 years i have never been able to share fully my feelings with anyone.Cried a lot again after reading ur blog but yes u r right we will have to fight it up .

I feel your pain. Thanks for writing (talking) to me ! Anu, I wrote how I felt during my infertility journey and all the women whom I hear from say that I have written what they felt : ) Human emotions are the same everywhere and there is no language, cultural or ethnic variations : )I feel so happy that I could represent all my fellow women feelings and hope people get a chance to understand what we go through because atleast in a country like ours (India) talking about infertility is not that common and easy. But women who struggle to have a baby should come forward to talk about it intead of keeping everything suppressed within themselves. It gives lots of emotional protection for them and helps other women too.

Anu, May all your dreams come true !

Mail me manjupadmasekar@yahoo.com if you need to talk to someone who will understand you.

Still I remember when deepa and me came to frankfurt to receive both of u,We are very confident that you will be mom this time and we have waited so eagerly to hear good news from u, but I dont know how to react after that and have skipped the conversation related to it while our weekend gatherings, even I was guilty about my sentimental emotion about receiving(this I will explain if u ask me in our next gathering), but manju am confident that u wont stop the war until u succeed. your blog is very emotional and will be very useful for the ones who are in the similar situation and we are proud to say manju is our friend.

Dear ManjuI m just in the begining of this medical career,but keeps immense sympathy,interest and respect towards this particular field,will feel great if could be a good and Skilled Infertility Specialist.Thnx for ur supportive and inspirational words.Wishing u a very blessed and happily successful life ahead,Good Luck :-)

I want to share something with u,i m frm Delhi,India but presently living in Russia for medical studies.actually i love my mom (as like a 6 month baby do so)more than anything in this world and missing her so much always.Earlier i was thinking that she also missing me and loves me as like i do,but after met you,known by ur lovely feelings towards a baby,i think every mother loves her baby more than her life.Actually I feel,i was thoroughly known to the word 'Love' only and only after reading ur feelings,ur true love towards baby.I wish every child had a mother like u.

I am also same boat even very young age. when i read your topics.I am crying alot.One day we are also success.Some times when i am felling bad that time i want ask god why you give this type of decease for me.

You've put into words what many of us feel. At times, I am unable to determine what I am thinking, what I am feeling but when I read your blog, I get clarity 'wow! this is precisely what I am feeling' but just wasn't able to pin it down.

Dear Manju,Excellent post! You have written in perfect words what many of us go through. The first 4 years of my marriage i did everything in my powers to not get pregnant. And now when i am finally ready, seems my old prayers are still being answered. 4 angel babies later all i can think of is a feeling of shame. Being ashamed of my inability to procreate.

Thanks Zeus ! I'm sorry that you have to go through horrible miscarriages. Do not beat yourself up for postponing childbirth. Don't be ashamed too - these experiences teach a lot ! I agree it is very painful too.

May all your dreams come true ! I know how painful miscarriage can be - you should be proud of yourself ! You are a strong woman and I respect you.

I live in Europe and I know one infertile couple. they tried every treatment, surrogacy in not allowed by law in this country. so they adopted a child. Ofcourse they are still trying to have their own biological child, but they really dont consider it a horrible issue. This one misfortune doesnot take centre stage in their life. They are truly grateful for other good things in life and those good things (small are big) are important to them and they enjoy it. And when I compare this to Indian infertile couple and Indian society. I think we Indians give too much importance to misfortune, we love brooding over ONE SINGLE misfortune and tend to overlook other good things in life and become totally ungrateful. Be it career, job, marriage, child or other issues such as having your own house. We are three sisters and my mother always complain about God not listening to her prayers about marriage of her third daughter. She hardly ever Shows gratitude about other two well settled daughters. I know it is very hard and painful, not being able to have your own child, no doubt about it. But please dont be ungrateful for other beautiful things in your life. I know many couples with many children but their mutual relationship sucks. Please enjoy the time you have as a couple, going out, dinning out, making love, adventurous vacation, multiple Jobs, new course, new skill, a hobby. You have all the time in world, that too when you guys are young, or adopt a child. It not the same as having your own new born, But it's not bad either. Don't worry about relatives, society. Relatives if they are not happy in your happiness, they don't deserve your consideration.

I agree that being grateful for the blessings in life will help to make life happy amidst adversity. I appreciate the couple you have mentioned for their positive attitude towards life. BUT, I think you are too judgemental when you talked about India and Indians. The Europe society is in no way comparable to Indian society. The plight of Indian infertile couples especially women are horrible. They are constantly abused emotionally . I don't accept that Indian's brood on their misfortune. I live in Europe too and I have seen most people fret and fume even for minor discomforts in life. Indians on the other hand bear a lot with a smile :) How do you expect your mom to be happy for two well-settled daughters when one of her child's life is still a question ? A mother's heart will always be thinking about her lone child who is not in a good position. This doesn't mean she is ungrateful, she just wants all her children to be happy and when it doesn't happen, she expresses her pain in whatever way she could.

But thanks a lot for all the kind words ! I don't know whether you have read all my posts, I don't think this post of mine is something which shows ungratefullness in any way, it is the pain which we infertile women experience and I am proud that I have given words to so many women who go through the same pain in life. It doesn't mean we are fretting, fuming and crying all the time.

Hi Manju,currently I am going through the 2 week agonising wait.Have been married for 11 years and have been pursuing fertility treatment for the last 7 .This is my 4 the cycle & 2nd with Donor eggs. 2 with my own eggs one of which ended in chemical pregnancy. 1 Donor egg cycle failed.I have also had 1 chemical pregnancy with an IUI.

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Please note that I have no medical training or qualifications, and that the contents of this blog are thereof are opinions, not medical advice.

have medical training or qualifications, and that the contents thereof are opinions, not medical advice. - See more at: http://healthbeat.areavoices.com/2010/09/29/the-expert-patient/#sthash.YPxLA3EA.dpuf

have medical training or qualifications, and that the contents thereof are opinions, not medical advice. - See more at: http://healthbeat.areavoices.com/2010/09/29/the-expert-patient/#sthash.YPxLA3EA.dpufPlease note that I have no medical training or qualifications, and that the contents of this blog are thereof are opinions, not medical advice.

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I thrive on love and affection!

I am a 36 year old Indian woman, happily married for seven years. This blog captures the 7 year infertility journey we went through to have our daughter Anisha. I have to undergo7 IVF/ICSI cycles, three miscarriage (including a still birth where I lost my twins to incompetent cervix) and 3 FETs to have our little miracle in hand. This journey was excruciatingly painful at times yet shaped me in ways happy times wouldn't have. Looking back, I wonder about myself ! I feel proud that I was able to be sane and strong after so many IVFs and heartbreaking miscarriages. Now I am very happy and serene than if I would have had children without any problems ( a bit crazy too ! :) The secret is, infertility is a great teacher. It taught me to be strong, humble, resilient, rational, forgiving, empathizing and hopeful. BTW, I am a scientist by profession. I hold a doctorate degree in Human Biology and I believe my education has helped me to tackle infertility bravely. I would like to share my experience and knowledge which I gained during this happy struggle to meet our offspring with you all. If you could share with me your thoughts and experiences I will be very happy !