R. Kelly is – wait for it – hosting a five-day cruise

There are some people who just belong at sea. Like, for instance, pirates, or former Merchant Marines, or Skipper from Gilligan's Island, or Ariel in the film The Little Mermaid (that is how the movie ends, right?). Now, we can add R&B artist R. Kelly to that list of illustrious seafarers. In October 2012, Kelly will set sail for a five-day Love Letter Cruise, a private party cruise event featuring performances by Kelly himself and special guest artists, as well as a "Captain's Celebration Party," a karaoke club, and a "program featuring healthy meal choices," among other amenities (what, is there not a Q&A sesh for cruise-goers to find out how Trapped in the Closet ends? What happens to Tina and Roxanne and Twan and Sylvester and Pimp Lucious? Dammit, R.! You know just how to leave your public wanting more).

The Carnival Cruise Line Destiny ship cruise will set sail from Miami October 1, with stops in Grand Turk, Half Moon Cay, and Nassau Bahamas. Kelly, who is currently penning an autobiography called Soula Couster: The Diary of Me, will perform in 2 shows during the cruise, which is sponsored by Concerts Cruise LLC. All guests are guaranteed seating for one show, and there are weirdly specific instructions for this policy on the cruise website. There will (presumably) be all-you-can-eat jumbo shrimp. There will (presumably) not be "water sports for under-fifteen-year olds" listed among the Deck 13 cruise activities. So, yeah… book your tickets today!