Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Brilliant

My friend, Nicholas, made a great post comparing each state to students in a high school graduating class. I thought it was brilliant so I thought I'd share it with each of you (with his permission, of course). Here it is:

California would be the class president and the most popular student in the school. Everything California does would set a trend that other states would follow. It's just the ultimate in cool and knows it.

Texas would be the star quarterback on the football team, the jock that's also a jerk, whose macho intensity attracts all the girls to where it can use and abuse. But the girls don't seem to mind, so long as they've all had Texas.

Oklahoma is the loyal sidekick that follows Texas everywhere, hoping to bask in reflected glory and receive all the throwaways its buddy disposes of.

Florida would be the popular girl, the head cheerleader who is everyone's "favourite travel destination." And yes, she does have a lot mileage on her.

Not to be undone, Nevada would be the student who masquerades at night as a stripper/call girl. You can be assured that whatever happens with her, stays with her. She also loves to gamble, taking huge risks that would scare the timid.

New York would be the pretentious snob who thinks everyone wants to be like New York, but would never be as cool. Doesn't understand why everyone looks to an upstart like California. New York is from old money, from a well known family. Why wouldn't anyone want to be like New York? Why doesn't everyone HEART NY?

Maine would be the writer of the class, an expert at observing the scene.

New Hampshire and Vermont would be fraternal twins, one a Birkenstock-wearing, latte-drinking, NPR-listening, environmentally conscious, socialist vegan; the other a Rush Limbaugh-listening, NRA-gun owning, beer drinking, Ayn Rand-reading, libertarian carnivore.

Massachusetts would be the goth chick flirting with Wicca and lesbianism.

The District of Columbia would be confused. It doesn't know why it had to be a district when it really wants to be a state.

Rhode Island, Connecticut, and Delaware would be the rich kids who have a trust fund to look forward to after getting their college degree and a few Eurail trips abroad.

Utah would be the token Mormon student in the class, who often gets picked on by the Southern Baptist fundamentalist South Carolina. Catholic Maryland is also in the same boat, having to defend itself from the same intolerance. Pennsylvania is religiously open. One month, it flirts with Quakerism, another month, it's Mennonites, another month it's all out Amish. It can't seem to make up it's mind, but it's the most religiously tolerant of all the states.

Virginia is the most stately of the students, as it has older siblings who were class presidents, but still remains embarrassed by the blue collar background of cousin West Virginia. Similarly, North Carolina, the basketball star is embarrassed by its intolerant cousin South Carolina. And besides that, North Carolina is overshadowed by the star quality and popularity of Illinois on the basketball team.

Indiana and Kansas are farmer states, hardworking and low key. At least they aren't like the least popular North Dakota, who sits alone at the same table as that other loner, the Cowboy wannabe, Wyoming.

Iowa enjoys attention when the popular states try to win it's vote for Student Council, then is ignored the rest of the year.

Mississippi, Alabama, Arkansas and Kentucky are the trailer park trash who prefer to remain ign'ant and disdain the cool states by sticking faithfully to it's own kind.

Georgia is a state who prides itself on rising above and beyond its origins in that trailer park clique, trying to fit in with the cool states, going so far as to discard its racist clothing for hipper clothes. It won't even acknowledge the existence of its former clique.

Louisiana and Tennessee are in the school band, adding their own unique musical styles.

Ohio has an identity crisis because everyone always seems to confuse it with Idaho or Iowa, while Michigan has a split personality.

New Jersey is the easy girl who has slept with New York, Illinois, California and Texas and doesn't understand why no one respects her.

Wisconsin is the earnest student who dreams of one day joining the Peace Corps.

Minnesota is proud of its Nordic heritage and works as the school mascot, complete with a feather boa.

Missouri is a know-it-all and a show-off.

Nebraska is another football jock who takes the sport more seriously than Texas (who's only in it for the glory and the girls).

Colorado is an independent sports fanatic: skiing, snowboarding, skateboarding, you name it.

South Dakota tries to distance itself from its unpopular cousin North Dakota by being more involved in student council activities.

New Mexico and Arizona are the minority students whose parents don't speak English. One of them is into New Age spirituality and UFO sightings, the other is a bit more traditional in the grand scheme of things.

Idaho and Montana are the anarchists who are anti-Student Government and flirt with white supremacist ideas.

Washington and Oregon are the environmentally-conscious students who are members of the science club and have started a recycling program at the school and lobbied to have soy milk and vegetarian options in the cafeteria.

Alaska is the rugged mountain man/outdoorsman of the class, while Hawaii's ethnicity always causes the other states to question it's citizenship.

Puerto Rico, Guam, American Samoa, and the American Virgin Islands are the exchange students who have no desire to become American citizens.

2 comments:

Aw, thanks! I appreciate that. It's just one of those things that hit me when I'm inspired. I don't know how the residents of MS, AL, AR, or KY would think of what I wrote...but, there's a grain of truth in all those states, right? What comes to people's minds when they think of certain states?

Thanks again for the compliments. It's nice to get a laugh or two at a state's expense!

About Me

I am a middle school reading teacher who's interested in everything from politics to pop culture. I love the arts, traveling, and spending time with my friends and family. I am also actively involved in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (mormon.org)