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It’s 6.30pm. which means half an hour until baby Lyla’s bedtime. She is showing absolutely no signs of being tired, she hasn’t slept a wink all day. Not even a yawn. Sounds normal, so why is this an issue? Well, in the past twenty seconds I have conjured up the idea that she will not go down to sleep. In fact, she probably won’t go to bed at all. I will be awake all night. I’ve become irritable, irrational and upset. I feel sick, I’m sweating, and my heart is beating like a drum.

Though she could go down. And she did, half an hour later, at 7. No noise and slept all night.

One scenario of the many where my anxiety takes control over me. This is parenting with an anxiety disorder.

I didn’t know much about anxiety before I became a Mum; it was never something I had heard of. I didn’t even know someone that suffered with it, and if they did I didn’t know about it. When these scenarios became more frequent and aggressive, I decided to get myself clued up on what exactly was going on. I suffered with post-natal depression, but this was a totally different ball game. This was alien to me. I felt lost in my own body like a stranger. I didn’t know who I was or what was going on. After some research and speaking to someone at PANDAS (a fabulous pre and post-natal depression charity helping parents cope and understand) the word ‘anxiety’ kept cropping up. I spoke with my doctor and my health visitor and then it was confirmed. I was diagnosed with anxiety disorder.

What is anxiety you ask? Well there isn’t one fixed term. For me it’s the loss of control, the feeling of unease and nervousness with an uncertain outcome. There are many types of anxiety. mine was centered around my daughter, my parenting. One slip up in her routine and the negative thoughts and physical symptoms would speed through me like a freight train. If I took her out alone I feel like everyone’s eyes are fixed on me waiting for me to slip up. Or that my parenting ability was on trial and everyone who laid eyes on me felt like the judge and jury.

I become defensive about my daughter, like I had to justify any parenting choice I made, even to someone who doesn’t know me. That’s my anxiety. My thoughts don’t stop. The worry has attached itself to me and very rarely lets go.

It’s picking on the wrong person – I don’t back down and I don’t let it win. I pull my support through many different resources, my family, PANDAS, my friends and my writing. It takes it away. It allows me to accept that it’s just my thoughts and my lack of confidence.

I get my strength from my daughter. I mean I’ve parented her a whole year and she’s the happiest soul ever, so huge high five to me, right? I still have my bad days, my battles and my challenges, I’m coping more now than I have in the last 12 months and knowing my diagnosis makes it so much easier to function. I’m not the only one and I never will be. The fact I can write this and raise awareness makes it even more special as I can help someone sat there, perhaps in tears, assuming their baby won’t sleep. Well, they will.

And I’m sure you will have the best sleep you’ve had. Have faith in yourself and get stuck in!

Until next time..

Daisy , 24 from the outskirts Edinburgh in Scotland. lives with my partner Sean and their beautiful, sassy one year old Lyla. Daisy works in retail and loves writing. A year ago, Daisy was diagnosed with post natal depression and anxiety disorder after the birth of her daughter Lyla. Daisy says “I’m passionate about mental health and supporting others through their journey” Daisy has written a blog for PANDAS, demonstrating a snippet of one of the challenges of anxiety with parents: ‘Bedtime.’

When I think of mindfulness I think of ‘living in the moment’. It’s also about meditation, increasing your awareness and watching the world go by. With so much going on over the next week or so it can be particularly hard to stop and just allow yourself to be in the moment, so I thought I’d give it a try.

I’ve had quite a hard and stressful week with loads going on in my personal life, which typically always happens doesn’t it, when you’ve got lots to do to prepare for something such as Christmas. As I drove home in the dark the other night I tried to think about being mindful. I looked at the Christmas lights on people’s houses and really tried to focus on what they looked like, how they made me feel. I tried not to think about all the other things going on and just be in that moment. I found it hard, so I searched around for some tips on being mindful at Christmas, and here are my suggestions: Read More

When I think of Christmas it usually always involves; snow, a lovely big tree, a great roast dinner, and happy family surrounding me. Unfortunately, most of those do not happen. Christmas Day is often dull and overcast, the only tree that I can afford or that can fit into the living room is fairly small and something nearly always gets burnt or under-cooked at lunchtime. And as for happy families, I don’t think I can remember a Christmas when there weren’t arguments. Read More

Infant loss. One of the great taboos in society. Most people know someone who has had a loss of some sort, but the overriding sense is that it’s not the “done thing” to talk about it. However, one team is working hard to change all that. Chantal Lockey and the team at the Foundation for Infant Loss Training offer infant loss training to all those who wish to learn more about how to support loved ones and families through a devastating time.

As an aspiring midwife, my emotions and my abilities to support women through these hard times is a massive worry of mine. So when the opportunity to take part in one of these sessions through PANDAs arose, naturally, I jumped at the chance. I booked my train tickets and headed off to Birmingham. Of course, the train pulled in late and the nerves hit me hard.

I walked into the room. Late. Not the first impression I had wanted. Chantal was already speaking and explaining what we were going to go through during the day. I sat down and she moved on to her reason for starting the training. Let me tell you, Chantal is a true inspiration. After suffering a loss that hit her so hard and made her feel so neglected by the professionals, she went on to ensure that hundreds of other women wouldn’t feel the same by providing some outstanding training to current and aspiring health professionals. Just hearing her story was enough to make me want to jump straight back on a train and hug my little boy incredibly tight.

Then came the videos. Oh, the videos! On each and every one there was not a dry eye in the house. The first was a memorial a couple made to their stillborn child. So perfect and amazing, gone too soon. As soon as the first bars of music played on the first video, my eyes welled and I felt like I was feeling what the couple and the family were feeling. As I’m one of those that cries at cute adverts (blooming Christmas was a nightmare!) this wasn’t a surprise. What did surprise me was the appreciation I felt towards the healthcare professionals in this case. That the parents were given time to introduce the baby to the extended family and to take pictures was so heart-warming. It made me realise just what sort of midwife I would like to be. One with compassion and the ability to really support the parents the way they want. I learned so much; how to support the parents throughout every part of the process, the tools available to help and the different support groups out there.

And that was the resounding message of the day. Support is key. Whether it be infant loss or PND, talking to someone and having someone to listen is one of the most important things in life. Whether that person is family, a friend, a healthcare professional or a volunteer just having someone to talk to can be the difference between a good and bad day. Of course, there will be bad days but just knowing someone is there for you can make a huge difference. I walked out of that room, liberated and feeling like I really could make a difference in someone’s life, no matter how small. And for that I thank Chantal.

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