i know, i haven't really been around lately. i'm trying to make myself not think about school by just running from one meeting with friends to another, doing crazy stuff, living this summer. but unfortunately time isn't very generous. by the time it has run out, it's gone and you can't reclaim it. i don't know what i'm gonna do today yet, but i hope someone will get me out of this room. i'm so bored i could start biting my nails and how pathetic would that be? (;

today was a weird day. my uncle and his wife came over to visit us and we spent hours sitting outside and talking. i remeber times when something like that just wouldn't have been possible. you know, this sitting together with family for longer than five minutes and stuff. it's different now. it still sucks, but what can you do? just pretend like you don't care and sit through it. it will cause you the smallest trouble. well, that was basically all i have to say right now.

hi. this is reality. it's coming up to me again. i've ordered some books yesterday to bridge the boring summer months. waiting for postal delivery is a bitch, believe it or not. the appointment on monday is approaching faster and faster and my nervousness is increasing constantly. i guess this is it for now. oh and yeah, michael jackson is dead. don't turn on the radio today. if i should be forced to listen to billy jean just one more goddamn time in my life, i'm gonna freak out, that's for granted.

i can go to that school. i can. i'm starting to get nervous as hell. i want to go back to los angeles so badly right now. LA is everything that this place here is not. it's warm, it's beautiful, it has nice people, it has sights and it has this special something to it that makes you not want to leave. i want to go back. it feels like i've been torn out my home like literally with my feet as roots in the ground of the city of angels. that's how it is. make me stop thinking about it. please. life has to go on and stuff and that's why i'm gonna follow the path of education. i'd have to go back to school anyway, so this may be it for all i care. i'm gonna stop rambling now.

okay, so i've sent off the application today. waiting for responses is a bitch, seriously. i feel like my brother isn't too happy to have me going to his school soon, but what do i care. in my imagination, i'll go there, sit and listen and then leave just as fast as i can. as long as no one talks crap about me and stuff, i'll be just fine. but i notice my problems are getting worse and worse every day and there is absolutely no one to talk to. it's like i'm this prototype of some sort of human species that is about to be released somewhen during the next century and it has all these bugs to it and things that have to be improved. and it's really hard to explain a problem which you don't understand yourself. all in all, i'm kind of excited about things going on these days and i'm hoping to have some more or less good news soon.

i'm actually thinking about going back to school. not to one of my old schools though, the only possible choice would be my brother's school.

i really wanna get it over with, but the simple thought of being captured inside this maze of anxiety, paranoia and expectations again for three goddamn years is driving me fucking nuts!

on the one hand i think i owe it to myself, you know, giving life one more try and moving on and stuff, on the other hand i'm afraid i might fail and disappoint everybody. everybody - as in my parents, my brother and myself. but then i think again that it can't really come any worse. which is why tomorrow i'll hopefully have the guts to go there and get my application signed.

and i'm not quite sure if it would be such a good thing if we saw each other again. don't get me wrong, i miss you in so many ways, as you were the best friend i've ever had. but things changed and so did i. and i bet you aren't the same person you were one year ago. i can imagine that you need me right now. maybe more than ever. you're done with school, you don't know what to do with your life. but neither do i and i don't want to confuse you even more. and to be excruciatingly honest, i'm afraid. still so afraid. i can only promise you one thing. i'll think about it. don't expect anything from me, that's what you should've learned from spending time with me.