Why Ninjas Are Better Than Girls

by Original Bitter Asian Men on September 30, 2008

Sometimes people ask me why, if it’s so bad being an Asian guy, that there are still Asian guys left in the world. Surely they would have all committed suicide out of despair of the ignominy inflicted upon them by girls. To this I give a typical response: Asians are smart, Asians can make good porn (think about what a disaster it would be if an American company tried making cartoon porn!), and most importantly, Asians have Culture.

And by Culture I mean Ninjas.

Ninjas are cool. Everybody knows that. But the point I am going to make in this article is this: Ninjas are better than girls. Even though some poor Asian schmuck’s girlfriend might have cheated on him with a white guy, at the end of the day that guy can sit back, close his eyes, and take comfort in the fact that one of his ancestors, even if it was a distant great-great-great-great-great-uncle thrice-removed, was probably a ninja.

Let’s take a more detailed look at why Ninjas are better than Girls:

1. Ninjas Are Undying Loyal

One of the first requirements to becoming a ninja is that you swear eternal fealty to your lord. The only punishment for not being faithful is death. This already gives ninjas a huge advantage over girls. Never once in history has a ninja betrayed his lord to go serve another lord just because that other lord was white. Or rich. Or both. That is not to say that no ninja has ever betrayed his lord; this often happens, although this usually is because the ninja realizes that his lord is evil. This is another advantage ninjas have over girls, as girls never realize when the guy they are with is evil, or even just an asshole.

2. Ninjas Dress Stylishly

Ninjas look good. Girls sometimes look good, and sometimes look totally ridiculous. Often this ridiculousness is in the name of the latest ‘fashions’, whether that fashion is appropriate or not. When low-riding jeans became popular, every girl started wearing low-riding jeans, even if they were fat enough to have multiple rolls of lard bulging out over their jeans. Blechhh. Ninjas, on the other hand, never have this problem. Not only are ninjas never fat, but they also are never seen unless they want to be seen.

3. Ninjas Are Patient

Ninjas are patient. They will take however long they need to fulfill their mission, and they will never give up (see point #1). Legend has it that once a ninja was sent to assassinate the Japanese warlord Takeda Shingen. Shingen was extremely powerful and more to the point, always had bodyguards around him, making assassinating him extremely difficult. So this nameless ninja did something heroic and inconceivable: he hid in Shingen’s toilet (remember that toilets back in the 16th century were mostly seats over pits in the ground), waited for Shingen to sit down, and made Shingen-kabob. That is right, this ninja waited what was likely hours wading in human excrement just to finish his job. Most girls on the other hand are unwilling to wait even minutes in say, a video game store or a hardware store or a sporting event, all of which are arguably much more pleasant places than inside a toilet.

4. Ninjas Never Complain

Do you think the ninja in the previous example went home and started whining about being caked in feces and how he deserved a raise or at least a vacation? Of course not. He presented himself to his lord (after taking a bath, of course) and asked for his next assignment. A girl on the other hand will always bring up what she has done for you before and always expects you to pay her back in full, or usually more than full. Usually this payback involves jewelry. Also, ninjas never ‘get headaches’.

5. Ninjas Are Highly Efficient Silent Killing Machines

Let us say an arrogant disrespectful warlord has just embarrassed you in front of the Emperor. I highly doubt that your girlfriend would go out and kill him if you asked, even if you said ‘please’.

So now we’ve established that ninjas are better than girls. In fact, the only thing better than having a ninja is having a ninja girl. Not only would a ninja girl be undying loyal, stylish, patient, un-complaint-ful (that’s a word cause I said so), and a highly efficient silent killing machine, but they also look hot in their ninja clothes and you could be physically intimate with them if you so wished. I guess you could be intimate with your ninja guy too if you so wished, but that would be pretty weird if you’re straight. And if you’re gay, you wouldn’t even need to read this article to agree that ninjas are better than girls.