France: how to avoid the Brits

Some figures leave you dizzy with bewilderment. France's national statistics office has revealed that the full-time British population in France as a year-on-year percentage increase is now growing faster than the Maghreb communities; 46% for Brits, compared with 15% for North Africans. Incroyable, non?

It's official: there are now a total of 600,000 Brits who live and/or work in France. For years, they were mainly found in an old colony where they felt at home - the Dordogne, or "Dordogneshire" as the French now call it. Retired Britons also liked living à la Graham Greene, in the old Nice and old Antibes. However, in the past 10 years, the Brits started spreading their wings. They invaded unconquered French lands, especially young couples with small children, who, fleeing en masse the dure vie of Britain, decided to settle down for good. Brittany, Languedoc, the Alps, Jura and Poitou became popular house-hunting grounds. Even the Creuse and Limousin (the belly of France, right in the middle), known as the French desert, saw its first émigrés doing up ruins and injecting new life into expiring village communities, to the delight of the ageing locals.

The Brits are also steadily buying properties and settling down in Paris. Their favourite district? The only one with the word royal in it: le Palais Royal. I'm not joking - this is what the figures show - although American buyers, you will be relieved to know, prefer the nouveau riche areas of Paris, namely the Champs Elysées and Avenue Montaigne. The Brits clearly have better taste.

So, where exactly can one go without bumping into a Brit in France? Bonne question. For those of you planning a holiday in la douce France and wanting to avoid your fellow countrymen, you'll be pleased to hear that, so far, two French regions have been left relatively untouched by British gourmandise: Picardie and Alsace. Perhaps this is because Picardie (in the north) is not far enough from Britain, and Alsace (in the east) too close to Germany. Neither is the climate in these two "regions" always ideal; Picardie is mostly rainy and Alsace mostly cold. However, smart Brits might find solace in Reims, capital city of champagne, or Strasbourg, a great city for comfort food.

Given that emigration is supposedly associated with economic failure and that New Labour keeps telling us how successful Britain has become, one wonders what lies behind the British exodus to the continent. It couldn't be better quality of life, could it? Britain may be "working", but are the British happy? Could it be that the good health service, good public transport and social advantages found in continental Europe have played a part in the British emigres' decision? Monsieur Blair, are you listening?