Monday, May 27, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Doctors say that sitting is the new smoking. To show you how bad of shape we are in, the Marlboro Man has traded in his horse for a Rascal.

Doctors say that sitting is the new smoking. Which just sounds weird when someone asks if it’s OK for them to sit after sex.

Billy Joel says it was depression after 9/11 and not drinking that caused his car wrecks. He just doesn’t want to admit that, like the rest of us listening to Billy Joel music made him want to drive his car into a tree.

Greece is banking on a big tourist season to prime its economy. Not to say things have been rough in Greece, but when tourists ask to see the ruins they are just taken straight to their hotel.

Brazilian Tony Kanaan won the Indy 500, winning more than $2 Million. Which is the only way he could have afforded to pay for gasoline to take a 500 mile trip on the Memorial Day Weekend.

Detroit’s Emergency Manager may compel the Detroit Institute of Arts museum to sell some of its collection. That could mean they may have to sell off their rarest find, a Chrysler that still runs.

Hedge fund billionaire Paul Tudor Jones says that mothers can’t be top financial traders. He’s wrong. If there’s anyone who knows how to trade, it’s moms. They trade in a quiet life for sleepless nights, nonstop kitchen and laundry duty and providing full time maid service.

The FCC is trying to free up more wireless spectrum space, otherwise cell service could be bogged down with slow speeds, spotty reception and higher bills. Or as wireless customers call that, signing up with AT&T.

Beef prices are hitting a record high just in time for the start of the summer grilling season. At more than $2 pound, it’s now cheaper to throw a wad of bills on the grill and watch them go up in smoke.

Vanguard founder John Boyle says the retirement system is broken but curable. Which can’t be good news for people who have put their entire retirement savings into Vanguard retirement accounts.

The improving used car market could undermine President Obama’s fuel economy rules. No one in his administration had any idea that Chrysler would make models that actually lasted more than two years.

A rare working Apple I computer sold at auction for $650,000. Which is the tech geeks’ version of someone holding onto their rare baseball card collection without their mom throwing them all away.

U.S. officials are investigating Ford F-150 pickups for complaints of engines that lose power when accelerating. Which means if they just put those engines into Toyotas, everyone’s problem is solved.

U.S. officials are investigating Ford F-150 pickups for complaints of engines that lose power when accelerating. It turns out the problem is that owners are just running out of gas as they can only afford to put in a gallon at a time.

China’s Premier says that a stable Euro is in the best interest of China and the world. Mostly because China wants the Euro to still be worth something if they ever get paid back all the money European countries have borrowed from them.

A study says that brain overload can explain why most people can’t remember things from their early childhood. Also because how many memories can you keep from being stuck in front of the Teletubbies or sitting in a crib for the first three years of your life?

A report says that abscesses were reported after some people were injected with steroids. Well, that finally explains Barry Bonds’ head swelling up to three times its original size.

A study says more than 4,000 amusement park injuries are reported each year. At Disney theme parks, the number one injury is hunger, dehydration and exposure from waiting in line just to get on the rides.

A study says more than 4,000 amusement park injuries are reported each year. Mostly when someone gets beaten while trying to cut into the line at a ride where people have already been waiting ten hours.

A survey says that people think they are eating less than they really are. Of course, these are the same people who will tell you they are good looking, smart and successful.

A survey says that people think they are eating less than they really are. The amazing part is that the people could even answer the survey questions with their mouths so full of food.

Experts are still debating whether redshirting, or holding children back a year in Kindergarten is a good idea. Of course, redshirting in Alabama means that kids will still have a decent chance of making it through the third grade by the time they are 17.

Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver are rumored to be getting back together. Apparently she finally realized he was being faithful to her when she saw his house hadn’t been cleaned in months.

Michael Jackson was reportedly paranoid and talking to himself during his final days. His doctor killed him with an overdose and his family is now fighting for all his money. He wasn’t paranoid, just aware of who he was surrounded by.

The Stone Temple Pilots are suing their former singer Scott Weiland, saying he is using the band’s name to further his solo career. Which would make more sense if the lawsuit had been filed in 1996.

Roman Polanski says he laments the “masculinizing” of women by the Pill. Apparently someone has been trading in his wife’s birth control pills for steroids.

Tom Cruise has dropped out of the film version of “The Man From U.N.C.L.E.” Apparently people see him more believable in the role of W.E.I.R.D. C.O.U.S.I.N.

Tim Curry is reportedly recovering from a stroke. His doctor prescribed physical therapy, and if that doesn’t work to try the Time Warp again.

Notre Dame quarterback Everett Golson has been suspended for “poor academic judgment.” Which is usually known as a student athlete’s SAT score.

Notre Dame quarterback Everett Golson has been suspended for “poor academic judgment.” Otherwise known as thinking he had a chance to graduate from Notre Dame.

Kevin Harvick won the NASCAR Coca-Cola 600. The race gets its name as between NASCAR fans and Coca-Cola drinkers, 600 was the total number of teeth counted in the bleachers.

Kohler has introduced a new toilet that is Blue Tooth connected. People using that toilet just have to be careful when someone asks them if they are ready to download.

Researchers say 3D printers cab make invisibility cloaks at people’s homes. Which they probably need when their wife catches them watching porn on their home computer.

Moon dust that had been missing from the Apollo 11 mission has been found in storage in California. The only thing dustier from that flight is Buzz Aldrin.

A new wireless carrier has introduced a plan where you pay for only the minutes and data you use. As opposed to signing up with AT&T where you pay for pretty much just getting to carry the logo around.

A new study says that people are dumber today than they were a couple of centuries ago, by as many as 14 IQ points. Mostly because cellphones and video games have reversed the evolution process and put us back somewhere between the apes and Neanderthals.

U.S. Astronaut Karen Nyberg is taking sewing and quilting projects to the International Space Station. Apparently NASA wants to experiment to see if it is possible to be able to actually bore somebody to death.

U.S. Astronaut Karen Nyberg is taking sewing and quilting projects to the International Space Station. To which the other astronauts are saying even John Glenn was more fun to have around than that.

A Los Angeles man is raising controversy by tweeting where DUI checkpoints are located. Which means that now they have people who are twice as dangerous for being drunk while simultaneously checking their tweets as they drive to miss all the checkpoints.

Police say that cash for cellphone ATMs may be fueling violent crime. Not as much as people who keep talking on their cellphones at the gym, in restaurants and movie theaters.

A math whiz in England who once said he had a one in 285,000 chance at love is now engaged. People were shocked. He gave himself that much of a chance?

A math whiz in England who once said he had a one in 285,000 chance at love is now engaged. Which finally gave even Cubs fans some hope of some day winning the ‘Series.

Senator Rand Paul says recent scandals are threatening President Obama’s moral authority. Which is strange coming from a member of Congress which has no morals and not much authority.

Bob Dole says the GOP should be “closed for repairs.” And that’s just to work on Mitch McConnell’s facelift.

Kansas Republican Representative Mike Pompeo says that Guantanamo Bay prisoners look like they have put on weight. And that’s even without those suicide bombs that can easily add twenty to thirty pounds to your backside.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Hope yo all had a wonderful Memorial Day Weekend. Remember our soldiers who gave their lives in previous wars, and let’s remember to keep them at home for awhile this time. And make sure you always remember to send the love this way!