Being the kind and generous betches that we are, we’ve decided to gift all you XOXOAD readers with an excerpt from our new book, I HAD A NICE TIME AND OTHER LIES…: How to Find Love and Sh*t Like That.

QUOTES ABOUT LOVE AND WHY THEY’RE BULLSHIT

Since like, forever, people have been writing, singing, texting, rapping, whatever, about love. But because there’s such an expansive amount of “wisdom” about the topic, and because the opinions of annoying hopeless romantics have deeply infiltrated our society, there’s like, a lot of f***ing bullshit out there. As betches, we are known for cutting the sh*t, and that’s why we’re going to break down the most clichéd sayings about love right here.

“Absence makes the heart grow fonder.” Does it? DOES IT? Or is the saying, “Out of sight, out of mind” more true? These are two completely opposite pieces of advice regarding love that are repeated everywhere you go. One says that the time spent away from a loved one makes you closer to them. The other says that the time spent away will make you eventually forget them. So like, which one f***ing is it?

Actually, we decided to pay attention in this one class this one time and we learned that according to some studies, the latter is the answer. Longer periods of time spent away from a loved one will make the feeling of hurt and longing crumble away. This agrees nicely with its counterpart phrase, “Time heals all wounds.” Of course, a few days away from your boyfriend might make you want him more, but if you’re looking to get over someone you better unfollow the f**k out of him on Instagram.

“Love is blind.” People love whomever they want. Straight, homosexual, asexual, the list goes on. Of course, in that way love is blind. But when I notice my boyfriend has been eating four-too-many Shake Shack burgers lately, that’s definitely a reason to put my cute little pedicured foot down. No one is blind to the dad bod, not even love.

“Opposites attract.” Like, they don’t really. Okay, if you’re a blonde and are really attracted to a brunet, maybe that’s the case. But a boyfriend who shares the same values as you (family, money, and other serious sh*t) is probably a better choice than one who cares about stuff you find unimportant.

Your boyfriend may know everything there is to know about politics and you may know everything there is to know about the Kardashians, but you still have an appreciation for spending time with your families. The politics/pop culture differences don’t make you opposites, they suggest you might have slightly different interests. But the fact that you both sincerely care about staying close with your siblings and want to spend money on traveling means that you technically are more similar than you are different.

Also, a lot of people tend to be attracted to people who share physical traits of theirs. This is probably a manifestation of a betch’s true desire to date herself, which is sort of impossible, so she dates someone who looks like her. So really what’s the correct answer? There isn’t one. Love whom you want to love, and leave us the f**k alone.

“All is fair in love and war.” You may have heard this one from How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days. Last time we checked it’s not cool to waterboard your boyfriend for forgetting to ask for spicy mayo. Not the best example, but then again in war you can spy, kill, torture, or any of that other cray sh*t we saw in Zero Dark Thirty. That sh*t’s not really applicable in love. You can’t just do whatever you want, ruin as many people’s lives just so long as you can make a name for yourself as an investigatory journalist for the sake of love. In other words, you can’t just be an a**hole because you’re into someone.

“You Don’t Know You’re Beautiful, That’s What Makes You Beautiful.” Ummm, fairly certain my bimonthly eyebrow threading, eyelash extensions, and $100-a-tube bronzer help make me beautiful. Like, obviously we try to be humble about it, but if we’re hot, and we know we’re hot, Harry Styles would definitely be into it. Also, if you’re walking around crying that you’re not gorgeous but you look like Kendall Jenner, no one, I repeat no one will want you, you grotsky little biatch.

“All you need is love.” Pretty sure we also need water, food, shelter, vodka, and Netflix.

“You Complete Me.” Don’t even. Just don’t even.

Want more? Check out our new book, I HAD A NICE TIME AND OTHER LIES…, available now in hardcover and e-book from Gallery Books!

In the age of every app that matches you with randos, the dating game has grown complex and confusing. We turn to the Betches to help us win the most important battle a betch can face--finding love in the modern world.

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