Loosening the Grip on My Infertility Grief

The past week has been a major roller coaster for me. It all started last Saturday when I backed out of the garage and clipped my wife’s side-view mirror on her drivers side. This led to a major fight that brought out a lot of my frustrations and sadness stemming from Infertility. Then on Monday we had another blow up that led to things being as tense as they have ever been. I love my wife but I wasn’t sure how the future would look for us on Tuesday morning. That was when my IF grief became secondary and my marriage became front and center. Eventually cooler heads prevailed and we are getting along. We’ve made a commitment to go out to dinner once a week to help reconnect. Hopefully things are turning the corner.

Which brings me to my therapy session from Wednesday night. I realized that my grip that I’ve had on IF has been so tight that its caused me to lose enjoyment in the things I had enjoyed in my life. Hanging out with my wife, the fact that my 10 club membership helped me land Pearl Jam tickets for the October show in Philly, going to baseball games (though the Mets suck now), looking forward to the NFL season/NY Giants Football, planning vacations, going out for bike rides and even watching some of my favorite TV shows. I’ve let IF consume me in so many ways that its made me a miserable person. I need to loosen that grip.

The example my therapist brought up is that she gave a patient of hers a ball to hold and told him to hold onto it for dear life. Then she asked him pick up a pen with the same hand he was holding the ball with and he couldn’t. The point is if you are holding onto something so tightly that its hard to grab something else. That is where I need to move forward. I need to let go a bit and relax before I move forward with anything for myself and certainly before my wife and I move forward with our next step in our journey. Otherwise I can only expect more of the same with my death grip that IF has on me.