All the Perl that's Practical to Extract and Report

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But since lots of people don't use the command line (they hit Perl via a batch script or similar) now I might also need to hijack perl.exe entirely to deal with it (except that breaks things that do pass-through code to child Perl's for process isolation reasons).

Eh, no, you don't have to patch perl.exe. Instead, put it in a module. Just like diagnostics [perl.org] does nothing but explaining warnings and errors better.

You can load this module on the command line using -M, or you could set an environment variable like PERL5LIB, so it gets used in every Perl script that gets run from the batch file.