What’s muy unfortunate is that while insurgent clodhopper-wearing hormones do a little jig on your brain, you also retain water. So not only are you pissed, irrational, cramping, constantly leaking, and craving deep-fried chocolate dipped jalapeños, you’re also temporarily fat.

This is when I’m convinced that whoever made people out of divine dough is a misogynist.

1 COINCIDENCE != IRONY. Some people will never understand, and I shall light a candle for your poor, obtuse2 souls.

2 The word obtuse shall forever be linked to ‘The Shawshank Redemption’… “How can you be so obtuse?” *Andy Dufresne stares, dumbstruck yet innocently, unaware of the degree of the short, fat bespectacled warden’s insecurity, as well as the metaphorical buttfuckery3 that will follow*

3 The most popular definition of buttfuck in the urban dictionary: “what happens to you when you use AOL.” Can’t say I disagree.