Windows 95 buys Nokia 3210

GROUNDBREAKING operating system Windows 95 has bought the market-leading Nokia 3210 to create a technological juggernaut.

A meeting of titans

The twin giants of modern new-fangledness will dominate the field of beeping devices for decades with their stranglehold on the new fields of email and texting.

Technology expert Julian Cook said: “If you think that these state-of-the-art mobile phones don’t have a place in your life, then you’ve never received a picture – an actual pixel image – of a birthday cake on your Nokia 3210.

“Or used Windows 95 to email a question to the Usenet Oracle and received an answer – within just 24 hours.

“BOOM! That sound was your mind, being blown.

“And if that doesn’t impress you, just turn that Nokia around in your hand until you find the aerial. Can’t see it? It’s on the inside, my friend. The future’s here, and it is totally awesome.”

“Though their merged theme tune, bom-bom-bom-BOM-biddle-dee-biddle-dee-biddle-dee-dah-DAH, is an abomination.”

Meanwhile, Hollywood is already developing a film about a dystopian future ruled by MicroNokia where Windows has been shambolically adapted for touchscreens and phones are too gigantic to fit in a human hand.