Upfront

“It's been a long, long time, but I have been in Canada. I'd have to get a map out, but I do remember the Falls.”

New U.S. ambassador to Canada David Wilkins shows more knowledge of the Great White North than good buddy George Dubya, who never visited until he was elected prez. But don't hold out hope for much of an improvement on Canuck-bullying predecessor and current Magna employee Paul Cellucci.

Feather-brained KFC defence

It's not just KFC chief John Bitove's chicken that's fried. So's his brain. How else to explain his sexist frat-boy rant (sorry, frat boys) that spends more time on animal activist Pamela Anderson's boobs than on her claims, supported by David Suzuki, that the poultry pusher treats its meat abominably? No surprise that a chicken chucker is breast-obsessed, but Bitove's pathetic attempt to defend his company against horrifying charges makes it easy to believe KFC doesn't give a shit about its critics - or chickens. His clumsy puns while begging the booby star for a décolleté-dense dinner date don't even make sense.

Earth not quite safe at Home

We won't hammer Home Depot's Green Toronto Award despite the big-boxer's inconsistent eco commitment. Great that it's embraced green marketing like wood stewardship - selling no old-growth lumber - and earth-friendly building supplies. Time to improve internal recycling and separating the gobs of garbage the giant stores produce. Let's see more urban in-filling, like the retail-friendly new Gerrard Square store, and fewer sprawl-inducing superstores like that on Laird and the dozens ringing small-town Canada.

Comic candidates for mayor

Desperate days for Toronto's Ruling Class Inc. when the Globe and Mail lists a sad-sack selection of likely losers as possible opponents to David Miller. With 18 months to the mayoralty race, the Globe dubbed laughable long shots city politicians Giorgio Mammoliti and Rob "Edsel" Ford as "front-runners." Miller must be smiling about more than his recent weight loss at the prospect of a field so limp the right may be forced to repatriate Geneva-based businessman and long-ago cabinet minister Sergio Marchi.

Harper confuses Warsaw with war chest

Right-wing radical Stephen Harper, foolishly jonesing for a federal vote, claims, "I don't care what the polls say. We're not judging what the polls say. We asked the public what we should do." Maybe the muddled thinker has confused "polls" with "Poles." Otherwise, he'd realize these tele-generated numbers are based on talking with the peeps. But the arrogance that would see the power-craving crank forcing an election nobody wants is the same that drives his barely concealed agenda to turn Canada into a Bush-esque theocracy.