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Has the most talked about book and film in years really changed the way we talk about sex and upped the ante in the bedroom stakes? Hitched & Ditched give their opinion

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Hitched says…

I have to admit I’m a little behind the times on the 50 Shades phenomenon, back in 2011 when the first of three books was published you couldn’t go a day without hearing about Mr Grey (and feels like we haven’t since!). The EL James novel smashed records and become the fastest selling book in history! It was everywhere. But I love reading and the reviews that slated the writing put me off, so I just carried on living my life.

Then the film rights were secured, the cast announced and I felt a little behind the times. At the end of last year (2014) I read the first book. And what did I think? It was ok… yes the writing was a little wishy washy, but I’m a sucker for a love story.

Did it change my life? No. ﻿

The Film

Six days after the UK release I went to watch the film with a group of 17 female colleagues. We were a mixed aged group, with mixed reviews of the film. I found the film to be pretty much the same as the book. It was a little cringe worthy with the lip biting scenes especially bad.

Yes you got the usual book to film comments –with missed scenes and the characters not as you expected, but whilst reading your imagination creates the scenes and characters into your own personal movie. Your imagination uses your experiences and fantasises creating your own adaptation – it was always going to be hard for this hard to live up to your imagination.

Some of the more negative reviews complained the movie was ‘tame’. But what did people expect? It is still a film – not a porno. When reading your imagination goes into overtime and what you read and felt could never be shown by Dakota Johnson and Jamie Dornan.

Many of my fellow film watchers rated the ending of the film pretty poor (don’t worry if you’re reading this and more behind the times than me, I promise I won’t ruin anything) but I thought the film ending was the perfect duff duff cliff-hanger.

But I now have to see the sequel and am even considering reading the second and third book. For me it’s not about the sex scenes or even really about the love story – I just need to find out how the bloody story ends!

Relationship Improvements

Ok I’ll admit 50 Shades of Grey didn’t rock my world – but the book has dramatically changed the relationships and the way we talk about sex.

These books have been known to save relationships – I mean that is pretty incredible. For some couples the books have turned into training manuals, acting out scenes in the bedroom have encourage them to fall back in love and lust. If reading these books get couples taking about what they want and shows the date nights don’t have to be boring that’s a good thing in my book (see what I did there!)

And 50 Shades has brought us more than improved sex lives – you can wash your clothes just like Mr Grey using 50 Shades of Surf, drink cocktails in Chiquitos and drink 50 Shades of wine… well they do say sex sells!

Sam xxx

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Ditched says….

As good old Ri-Ri once sang “sticks and stones may break my bones, but whips and chains excite me” so why is everyone getting their nipple clamps in a twist and jumping on the 50 Shades of Grey band wagon? (Uh oh, I fall in to that bracket with this blog post #guilty)

It’s been a month since the film was released and gaggles of women flocked to the cinema with their gal pals to see if the most talked about erotic fiction book of recent times actually hit the spot. Now I have a small confession to make; even though I am quite a flirtatious and sexual being, I have not read a single page of the 50 Shades book and therefore haven’t gotten all frothy at the thought of the film.

I remember when the book was first released, but I just didn’t want to be one of those women clutching it like a copy of Cosmo and wanting people to give me attention; OHHHHHHHH look at her, bet her sex life is filthy if she reads that! Nah, you’re alright love… I’ll stick to reading The Secret and trying to sort my life out with positive quotes about karma and the law of attraction.

Even though I haven’t read the book or seen the film, I am fully aware of what happens and some of the more graphic sexual encounters (or extra rude bits as mother would say) funnily enough my own mother has given me the three 50 Shades offerings, either because she’s worn them out or she senses it’s been a while and I need to get some excitement in my life…

So has 50 Shades changed the way we get it on and has it opened our minds as much as our legs? I’m unsure, I mean you’re either in to a bit of bondage or you’re not; I highly doubt flicking through a few pages of badly written erotica (lots of people have said it’s piss poor…) is going to have you flicking your bean over trying it for yourself.

Although I can imagine that some couples may try it out with pure comedic effect; you know those couples who have probably been together about 2 years, do the weekly shop at the exact same time each week, barely speak over dinner and are probably only together to save on rent… They may hot foot it to the local Cineworld and before you know it one of them is chained to a radiator being spanked with a copy of the Radio Times…

I’ve often thought about writing my own erotic fiction, but I think it would have more of a realistic element, probably featuring things that actually happen during sex, such as fanny farts, his piece popping out half way through, and what to do if he does an American Pie and gets excited way too soon.

I think that sex can be as fun or as routine as you want it to be, and we are all too easily swayed by what other people are doing. Do you really think that couple from work tie each other up with silk scarves every evening and have amazing orgasms at exactly the same time? Come on; or should that be cum on. Be as adventurous or as safe as you like, but you don’t have to rely on on a hyped up book or film to give your bedroom antics a boost.

Addiction: The fact or condition of being addicted to a particular substance, thing or activity

Rolos from the fridge , wearing high heels at work, buying the same dress in ten different colours, The OC and letting go of men who treat my emotions like a piss sodden urinal; Ditched has many addictions, however the last one isn’t that fun to live with…

Last week I was curling my lions mane when my clumsy hand slipped, resulting in four swear words and one hell of a burnt finger. After a few fridge Rolos (seriously you have to try them-forget YOLO, it’s all about the Rolo) I continued my curling mission, while fully aware that a burnt finger, ear or face could be heading my way. This renegade attitude to life, and purely living on the edge is fine in some instances, but not when it comes to keeping guys in my life who leave my self esteem flatter than my Justin Bieber-esque chest.

I love male attention. Not in a stripper- hey baby let me shake my thang kind of way, but being around guys and having a nice laugh gives me a boost that being with my girls just doesn’t create. I also l.o.v.e to see the good in people, even if those people have lied to me, hurt me and acted like a total cock sap. But why oh why OH WHY do I do it to myself, and why do many other amazing women?

Recently a dude I really liked asked me out and made my heart all of a flutter, only to drop the G-bomb; that being he had a girlfriend all along. So what did I do? Yes I went mental and called him a quiff ponce, but after the anger had died down I STILL wanted his attention and even to this day part of me still does. I’ve tried flirting with other men: fail, and even joined a dating site: an even bigger fail.

The same formula could be applied to my previous relationship, with him ending it by text and that being like some sort of catnip to me: one things for sure, I’m definitely a pussy when it comes to telling bad men to do one. Maybe it stems from wanting to change someone: some women want to be the one who changes a man for the better- imagine Harry Styles settling down with you and giving up his cougar ways and you’re half way there.

But just how do I curb my bad addiction? Do I stay away from men until my own self worth is higher? Do I try dating a lady to see what all the fuss is about? Or do I just ignore my urges to contact men who have wronged me and hope it fizzles out like a cheap firework display?

You’re listening to Singleton FM- Where being lonely is always top of our playlist. Today we are joined by dumpsville’s NO1 resident and hopeless romantic- Ditched aka Miss Independent.

Like many women, she searches for a deeper meaning in song lyrics (the past month has been dedicated to Robin Thicke and his damn Blurred Lines…) and here she runs through her top three tracks which symbolise the relationship she is yet to find…

KATY PERRY- TEENAGE DREAM “you think i’m pretty, without any make up on”

This brings back memories of my first love- all butterflies, tongue sandwiches, and talks of ‘we are NEVER breaking up’ IDST. Plus, isn’t it every girls life long dream to be attractive to a bloke, without half a Benefit counter on her face? This tune reflects the carefree and passionate relationship that I am yet to experience…

KINGS OF LEON- SEX ON FIRE “hot as a fever, rattling bones, I could just taste it, taste it”

Woah momma, someone crack open a window as it’s getting hot in herrrrre! The pure animal lust and attraction featured in this song symbolises the deep and intense S.E.X (ohhh naughty) that I need to keep a relationship alive. (Nelly Furtado’s ‘Maneater’ was a close second in my song choice…)

P!NK- TRUE LOVE “At the same time, I wanna hug you, I wanna wrap my hands around your neck, you’re an asshole, but I love you”

They say there’s a fine line between love and hate, and P!nk is a woman after my own romantic heart. But I truly believe that realising that your Mr Perfect is actually a Mr ‘sometimes a dick’ is the best thing for any relationship. Fuck the fairytale and roll with life’s punches- after all, changing the frequency on your relationship station can be a fabulous thing.

Don’t forget to vote for us in the Cosmo Blog Awards 2013 as the best sex & relationship blog!

Ibiza. Island of sun, sea, sex, stupidly priced drinks and serious clubber dance moves. But does The White Isle only appeal to those who are single and up for it? Or can those who are head over heels still enjoy some fun in the sun? Our Wedded Miss and Miss Independent discuss their experiences…

Wedded Miss

I love going on holiday and I especially love going on holiday with my husband. We have an amazing time together, just chilling out, drinking, eating, listening to music, reading (me – actual books, Rich – The Sun) and swimming in the sea. The thing is Rich is my best friend and I actually enjoy spending time with him. Holidays are the only time that we can have a week with no one else to interrupt us! It’s a time to rest and recuperate and just be together.

We have had a holiday every year since we started dating, going to Barcelona, Spain, Italy, Portugal and last year we decided to go to Ibiza. My other half goes every year with his mates and absolutely loves it – he is into house and electro music and has a close group of mates who go away every year.

Now, I had no massive desire to visit the White Isle as I just thought I would hate the music and it would be a big party island filled with drunk, horny singletons.
How wrong I was! Although part of its appeal for a lot of people is the music, booze and getting laid, there was a lot more to this island than I first thought.

The weather was gorgeous, the island was gorgeous and the people were gorgeous too! I surprised myself by loving the music, the atmosphere, the people, the food, the variety and the chilled out vibe during the day.

Because we were a couple we were largely ignored by people selling cheap drinks and big nights, which was actually quite nice as I hate being hassled. We didn’t do huge nights but we watched the sunset at Mambos with SHM D-Jing, chilled out at Bay Bar, drank shots on San Antonio strip, danced at Space on Sunday and loved every minute of it.

It may not be the same as a weekend in Ibiza with your mates when you are single and ready to mingle but it was awesome all the same. I plan to experience the Island with the girls next year anyway so I get the best of both worlds! Lucky me!

Miss Independent

When my good friend Rachel mentioned the idea of a Bank Holiday trip to Ibiza, a few things ran through my mind; at 27 would I be too old to still mix with the young uns? Would I be appearing in an episode of Sun, Sea and A & E? Would 5 bikinis be enough for 4 days? But having always wanted to go, I whacked my credit card out and booked it faster than a guy usually leaves my bed after a one nighter.

This trip completely succeeded any of my expectations and blew every stereotype out of the clear blue water. As two single ladies, we didn’t book the trip with intentions of a Flintstone style bed rock every night; as I’ve always been in the mind set of any hook up just happening when you least expect it, but we appreciated the male species on show just as much as the beautiful Ibiza sunset.

We partied in Pacha until our feet missed the beat, hit the high seas in what can only be described as a boat party to rival The Inbetweeners, and experienced a taste of the high life at a ultra glam pool party. But would any of these things have been different if I had a partner back home? It’s hard to say, as the only time I pulled was when I went Down Under with an Aussie hunk as mentioned in the previous post, but the laughs and general good times wouldn’t have changed whether I were single, engaged, married or in a complicated open swingers relationship.

Ibiza is such a beautiful place, and how you choose to experience it is down to the type of person you are; being in a relationship shouldn’t really affect that, unless you are some sort of sex shark who dies without a quick fork every 4 hours. The way I see it, it really doesn’t matter if you visit a party island, go travelling round the world or have a weekend away; if you meet someone you meet someone, and if you are settled down then that won’t stop people entering your life.

I’ve never been the type to throw my knickers in the air and get with just anyone, so if I didn’t pull in Ibiza then my self esteem would still be intact, but I can see why people would prefer to fly solo and act out the lyrics to Sex on the Beach.

I’m already excited to go to Ibiza again next year with Wedded Miss and the rest of the girls; married, single, confused or heartbroken, Ibiza has something for every type of woman.

Since we started this blog, many people have given our Miss Independent a sympathetic ‘aww’ when hearing that she is always being ditched by dreaded men folk. But just exactly why do seemingly normal and appealing girls get left on the shelf, or even worse at the side of the road after being flung off the Relation Ship without a life jacket? Here our very own ‘Ditched’ gives the inside scoop in to life as a single twenty something woman; be warned, she is very honest.

When I was 16 I lived in a fairyland world; one where Princes rescued Princesses, and sexting was only available to those who didn’t own a Nokia 5110. I was, and still am, a dreamer and a sucker for romance, but 11 years on I now look at the world of love without the help of any rose tinted spectacles.

When I was 16 most of my friends had already done the deed with a cool kid at school; you know the type who now works at Poundland and has 3 children, but I always wanted to wait for that one special person to give my feminine essence to. Not only did I wait for the right person to do the no pants dance with, but he was also my first kiss and under the cover finger fumble. What followed was a two year on off romance, with a small incident of cheating (his lame ass not mine) and a few on again, off again moments; it all came to an end when he decided he needed to find himself, which left me crying into my Carebear pillow and wondering if I would ever love again.

So with my dreams of a fairy tale romance down the crapper, I carried on with my teenage antics, but never actually got with anyone again until I buggered off to University, and even there I refused to act out a scene from Geordie Shore’s night vision cameras. My problem: assuming a relationship from every guy who even brushes past me; granted I am nowhere near as bad as I used to be, but trying to behave like a man and see most things as casual just isn’t my style. So this need and want to be in a relationship with anyone from the bus driver who smiled at me, to the work colleague who jokingly touches my arm during a joke, is obviously enough to leave most men pressing the eject button and watching me crash into the ground.

The guys who I have actually dated steadily and made me think things were more serious than they were are probably the reason I am writing this blog in the first place, and I should send them a basket of fruit or something to say thank you. I am not ashamed to be known as the eternally ditched girl, as someone somewhere is bound to pick me up off the side and take me in.

After years of taking myself, and the dating game way too seriously, I can finally see situations for what they are, and not assume that just because he mentioned going on holiday in the future, doesn’t mean he will. Even if a dreamboat saunters up to me and gives it the big ‘ I’m serious about you, and let’s give this a shot’ speech, then I’m still not 100% sold until I witness and feel some truth in those words.

Am I bitter about love and relationships? Slightly, but aren’t we all? I mean we all have that one person who to this day will make us angry and our heart skip a beat at the same time. But it’s all about accepting who you are as a person, and for me that’s being a little bit too intense when it comes to the hairier sex.

It may have been a while since our Miss Independent strolled down Lovers Lane, hand in hand with a dashing young piece of arm candy, but she still remembers the tummy flutters and times of smug bliss that being in a relationship can bring. But our single lady also knows how quickly the goo-goo-gah-gah’s turn in to grrr-grrr-raaah-raaah’s, and suddenly everything that annoyed you about your one and only is let off like a firework. Here she looks at how, just like Rihanna; a good thang can go bad. (If only dying your hair red and grinding in tight shorts was a suitable option for everyone…)

For weeks now I have been fascinated by one ‘celebrity’ relationship, and that is the spectacle of Jodie Marsh and Kirk Norcross. Flame haired she-warrior Jodie has always been known for her outrageous stunts; including marrying Jordan’s ex on her MTV show ‘Who’ll Take Her Up The Aisle’ (Insert smutty joke here.) But for once I actually believed she had found a man who was, erm, man enough to take on her larger than life assets and lifestyle. But just over a month after their ‘showmance’ began, Jirk are no more, with rumours of Jodie’s no sex rule be-cumming too much for Kirky to take. The former TOWIE lad said “I felt like I was 13 again, going round to a girls house and kissing on the sofa, she just kept saying she wouldn’t have sex with me.’

So with his balls ready to burst, and Jodie only interested in getting a pump on at the gym, Kirk called time on their relationship and wasted no time in letting rip at the ripped Essex lass. Branding her a ‘fame obsessed liar” and claiming “I realised I only wanted to have sex with the old Jodie Marsh; the one I had posters of on my wall.” Kirk wasn’t afraid of kicking Jodie when she was down, but aren’t we all guilty of unleashing our inner bitter beast when a relationship hits the skids? I for one am 1 million percent guilty of that charge, and I come out swinging quicker than Mohammed Ali when my relationship world of rainbows and Sugarpuffs, descends into grey skies and piss ridden puddles.

One minute you are laying on his chest, slowly drifting off to sleep at the sound of each manly breathe; the next minute you want to lay him out on the floor and insult his love of One Direction-eqsue trousers. The things you adore about your ‘Boo’ during the blissful times are heightened by the chemical rushes you experience; so that aftershave he wore when you romantically watched ‘Paranormal Activity’ in the dark, will bring back all sorts of feelings. But when faced with the same smell after a hideous break up, it will invoke small rises of rage and possibly the vomiting up of the world’s largest dictionary of insults. I clearly remember having an exes t-shirt, and feeling like a safe child when sleeping in it, but come the day he decided it wasn’t him it was me; I cut that mother into tiny pieces and threw them in the air as if I were holding a million pounds.

If we are honest with ourselves, especially as women, we know that getting angry is a huge part of being bothered about losing something which meant so much to you; in Kirk’s case I just think he was upset about not adding another notch to the Norcross bedpost, as if he had actually cared then getting his leg over would have been the icing on a pretty amazing cake. He could still have sex with the poster of Jodie if he liked, I mean cutting a hole in to a wall isn’t that hard right Kirky?

The old saying goes, we need to get bitter before we can get better, so if letting off a little steam after a breakup helps to heal your once loved filled heart then go ahead and fill your boots; just think of it as giving your vocal chords a hefty workout. My advice as a long term resident of Single Town would be to remain calm under the pressure of a break up, by turning your bitterness into banter and not allowing yourself to ‘pull a Norcross’ by dragging out a public slanging match for longer than I’ve been single.

If I had a penny for every time someone gave me that look when I said I was without a bloke, I would be able to buy 2 and a half Freddo bars. But what exactly is it about those people who are coupled off which makes them look at you like an alien? Here our Miss Independent delves into the depths of deepest singledom to shed some light on this new found disease known as ‘The Singles’

I remember it clear as day, word for word; the time I fled to a sunnier climate with my cousin and had my first encounter of being diagnosed with ‘The Singles.’ My cousin has been with her fella ever since Paris Hilton learnt the art of serial dating, so it was only right that we happened to meet 2 couples when abroad who had also been together longer than time itself. While I was trying to get my sunbathe on, I was constantly surrounded by conversations themed on ‘things that your other half does’ and ‘ohh yes we will probably have a house or bambino by then.’

It wasn’t until I coughed and they realised I was actually still there, that one half of smug couple numero one asked whether I had a boyfriend, to which I replied ‘no not at the moment’, and that caused the sympathetic tilt of the head along with ‘aww don’t worry, you’ll find someone soon.’ Well at 23 years old, I certainly didn’t have images of my growing old with a beard and 20 cats, so worrying was the last thing on my mind after a previous relationship lasting 2 years.

So just how long has this been going on, and is being single really something people should fear in a time where women are choosing careers over caring boyfriends? I believe that having The Singles is something you either embrace or eternally fear; I say enjoy the extra space in your double bed, not having to shave your legs for 6 weeks (yes I do that sometimes, and what?) and just simply taking care of yourself while the right person skips along beside you without you blinking an eye.

I feel that asking someone if they are in a relationship falls under the bracket of ‘things you ask people you have only just met’, along with ‘what do you do for a living?’ and ‘where are you from?’ But I would never tilt my head and go ‘aww’ if someone told me that they were unemployed or worked in a factory putting lids on toothpaste tubes then condesend them by saying ‘don’t worry, you’ll find a job soon!’, so why do people feel the need to cast me out like a lepar when I reveal that I am without a spooning partner and do not receive a regular forking?

If I look back to previous dating experiences, I should have been locked up for crimes against commitment, as I was eternally looking for that Mr Right, when many guys were just Mr Right-now-I-Just-Want-To-See-Your-Boobies. So I am previously guilty of placing my own fear about catching ‘The Singles’, when in theory I was looking in all the wrong places for a so called cure.

I believe people project their fear of being single on to other people, such as myself, and when they are so happily loved up in a relationship they forget what being single was like and relate it to a time where life sucked, and everything wasn’t one big fluffy marshmallow. But my theory as a long term member of the ‘Single Ladies Society’ (holla), is that the most important relationship you will ever have in life is with yourself, and if you are not a member of team you then how can you expect blokes to get off the bench and join in the game?

I can happily scream at the top of my lungs- My name is Miss Independent and I proudly suffer from ‘The Singles’, so to all of you who are wondering how I cope without any man veg to grope or stubble to rub up against, I say “just fine thanks” as I know when the time is right someone will put a ring on it; so for now I have no cause to say ‘Uh Oh Oh.’