The thoughts and experiences of a person in the BDSM scene

Hi, remember me?

It was never my intention to take nearly four months off from this blog, but for a blog called Bondage Diaries, I suppose that one would need to have bondage to write about in the virtual diary before one can post. And I’ve been more or less out of the scene since the incident in July where I was nonconsensually humiliated at DCDungeon, which left me unable to trust the person that I had been playing with up to that time. I went to the Rockville Munch in September, where I had a good time, but otherwise, I’ve been out of things. I haven’t played, I’ve only been to one munch, I’ve let the spoon sit up on a shelf in the closet collecting dust, and I’ve been pursuing other interests for a while. I have been casually looking for a play partner/relationship/whatever lately, both on OKCupid and Collarme.com, but I haven’t had any success with it. It will come with time, I’m sure.

I’m also not entirely sure yet about where I really “belong” in the fetish scene. I’m sure that there’s a place for me, but I don’t think I’ve found it yet. I am 31 years old, I identify as male, I play as a bottom, I list my orientation on FetLife as “heteroflexible”, and I am quite single. And with what I’ve tried so far, I feel as though I’ve had difficulty relating to these folks. I feel as though I’m too old for the DC TNG crowd, and it seemed that in that group, people weren’t as amazingly friendly as I would like, and it seemed that many people had their cliques. However, I also felt somewhat out of place with the older crowd in the Rockville scene, as I felt that those folks had far more experience than I did – so much so that I felt somewhat inadequate by comparison because I lacked that experience. Plus it’s far less intimidating to meet people when you’re meeting someone with someone else vs. doing so alone, and I was going to these things alone. It is very possible to feel lonely amongst a crowd of people, and I got that distinct feeling of loneliness a number of times with both the Rockville scene and the DC TNG scene.

However, I’m trying to jump back into things again now after a few months away. Taking a break and doing other things for a while is good, but BDSM is part of my life, like it or not. It’s how my brain is wired. I don’t know why my brain is wired for BDSM, but it is. Skin and revealing attire, on their own don’t turn me on. I also get somewhat uncomfortable around people dressed in fetish wear, though I don’t know if that’s because of the outfit, or more attributable to an inferiority complex, where I start to think of them as far more serious and experienced than I could ever be, and thus inferior. But pull out the rope, and I get excited. Physical restraints and the idea of getting played with in such a state are what push my hot buttons. For me, I’d rather get tied up than get laid.

The question, though, is finding my crowd. A friend of mine has suggested that I attend a munch in Baltimore, and I am inclined to take them up on the idea. Perhaps my crowd in the BDSM scene is, in fact, not in Washington, DC or Rockville, Maryland, but actually up in Baltimore. I don’t know. Seems like it might be worth checking out. After all, how can you know for sure unless you try it, right?

But first I need to get my feet wet again. I’m going to be attending a four-hour flogger workshop on Saturday afternoon, because I want to learn more about flogging. You might recall that I was on the receiving end of a flogger for the first time in January, at Dungeon 101. I’ve also been flogged on several occasions since then. However, I don’t own my own flogger, I don’t know what to look for in a good flogger, and I’ve never actually used a flogger on someone else before. With all of this in mind, I am definitely looking forward to this workshop. And then it’s followed by a munch at a nearby restaurant. Hopefully it will be an enjoyable and educational time.

I also feel that I need to make up and get on good terms again with my former play partner in order to help me move on. We haven’t spoken since that incident in July. When I went to the Rockville munch in September, I deliberately steered clear of her, which made things somewhat awkward for me. I believe that my trying to avoid contact with her is unconsciously forcing me out of the scene, and I don’t like that. I don’t think I could ever play with her again due to the July incident, but I don’t want her presence to ruin the scene for me in the future. I just want to be on speaking terms again, to the point where I’m not pushing myself out of the local scene because I don’t want to interact with her at all.

So it sounds like I have my work cut out for myself. If all goes well, I will once again become an active participant in the fetish scene, and find my crowd. Perhaps I’ll find the crowd where I truly belong, where, like in the theme song for Cheers, “where everybody knows your name, and they’re always glad you came.” And who knows – I might also find myself a play partner or a full-on relationship in the process.