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Saturday, October 8, 2016

The Forum -- Vol. 177 -- Excitement before . . .

Hello all. Welcome back to The Forum - Disciplined Husbands and Disciplinary Wives. Our weekly gathering of men and women participating or interested in being in a Domestic Discipline or Female Led Relationship. I hope you all had a great week.

We wrapped up one of our polls a couple of weeks ago. This was one of the more sexualized we've done, asking whether you typically get an erection before a disciplinary spanking. We had 88 responses, and here are the results

(Almost) Always

49
(55%)

Sometimes

23
(26%)

(Almost) Never

16
(18%)

Summing it up, about 80% of men at least sometimes get an erection before a disciplinary spanking, and over half get one almost always. I am among those who get them almost always, even though I am also one of the few who didn't really have a spanking fetish before discovering Domestic Discipline.

So, what is this about? While some spankings can undoubtedly be erotic, this poll focused specifically on erections before disciplinary spankings. Those spankings you know are going to be extremely painful, hard to take, and that might even leave you in tears. Yet, at least one part of our anatomy seems to find that situation exciting.

Without getting too graphic, I still remember my reaction when I first discovered Domestic Discipline, and during that first three or four days when I was discussing it with my wife, whether we might explore this, and what it would look like. I literally lost hours of sleep stirring and stewing about what might be coming. The butterflies in my stomach were so strong, I literally felt ill at points. I was genuinely scared, particularly regarding the prospect of possibly being humiliated by being brought to tears. Yet, during those days, part of my anatomy was displaying a more or less constant state of excitement.

I still don't really know how to account for this. How is it possible to get excited by something you genuinely dread? Also, does that erotic charge frustrate the disciplinary purpose? Several weeks ago, I listened to some materials by a spanking-oriented "therapist" and professional disciplinarians named Jacqueline Omerta, who discussed a real spanking that was delivered to one of her clients with the goal of getting to real tears. But, it didn't happen. In her view because the client was too turned on. Her opinion was that the sexual aspect of a spanking was fundamentally incompatible with getting to the state of real remorse and submission required to get to that state of sobbing release. I can't really say, because I have not gotten to that state of tears. But, I do feel like that element of extra energy, whether it is erotic or something else driving it, does make the spanking at least somewhat easier to take.

Thoughts on all this? Do you typically get an erection before a disciplinary spanking? Does it go away once it actually starts? Do you think it is simply eroticism driving it, or something else?

I hope you all have a great week. If you are new to this Forum, please take a minute to go to the Guestbook (tab above) and tell us a little about your Domestic Discipline or FLR relationship.

57 comments:

DanI do get aroused before. I think we are aroused by the power of submission. Is it perhaps the feeling that you are loved enough by someone you admire and love, who takes the time to guide you back to the middle. In the end does it really matter It is something you and your partner have found a way to bring the balance in your lives.The fact that we do not have sex after to me is the punishment.peter

PS: In truth when Anna is truly annoyed and wants to do more than remind me of bad behavior she often will insist that i masturbate myself in front of her then i am punished. It seems also to diminish arousal during the spankingpeter

Got to chuckle when you quote Jacqueline as talking about non-erotic spanking. She has been in the business of selling sex as it's related to sapping for years; decades. She is the archetypal Hollywood glitz.

I have actually been to her for a session and have been around her several times at parties. I like her. But I just have to chuckle seeing her quoted with such seriousness.

I wouldn't put it quite that way. I don't know the woman at all and, therefore, have no idea what her level of gravitas might be. The air quotes were really an indication that I have no idea the extent to which she is a "therapist" with an actual therapeutic practice, versus a Pro Domme who has some kind of psychology or counseling credentials.

I will say that some of the observations she makes in the recordings for her The Psychology of Adult Spanking series regarding what makes "spankos" tick do ring somewhat true to what many of the commenters here indicate drives their interest. Though, only for a subset, because she is really taking about spanking fetishists -- a group that includes some but not all of our regular commenters. It's not really DD centered, though she does talk about the need for order, accountability, etc.

Hi Dan. No. I do not get an erection. When Dev says I'm going to be spanked she's all business. If she has me wait in our room for a few minutes or few hours , like you my nerves and butterflies go wild. When she finally comes in , she in a no nonsense disciplinary mode. The paddling is given and " no reward " after. I did tell her last week that even the spanking really hurts I feel incredibly close to her when she's done.

I ask my wife to spank me when I under prolonged stress. The spankings are hard, so I guess they qualify as "punishment spankings." The higher the stress and longer the spanking, the deeper I go into subspace. I almost never have an erection prior to or during a spanking. The few times that I had had an erection, the subspace was minimal. Thus, causing me to infer that for me, stress and an erection are incompatible.

Very interesting. So can subspace only be entered during a spanking. Are there any accepted definitions of subspace? I'm horny throughout, so I guess I've never been there which frustrates somewhat, me being such a traveller and all!

I quite often used to get an erection in the days when I was spanked by my wife and I think it was because even though I was scared (and I had every reason to be believe me) I found her power over me at that moment tremendously exciting.I also think that Ms Omerta is wrong in her assertion that "Real discipline" spankings, administered by a professional disciplinarian cannot produce tears because the spankee is "too turned on".Since my wife and I split I have visited professional female disciplinarians a few times and I asked one such lady (the very lovely Pandora Blake) to spank me as punishment for a real life issue. She did just that and took less than a minute to have me in tears using a very stout wooden hairbrush very hard on my bare bottom.. The spanking continued at the same intensity for about two minutes more and believe me when I say that I tried to avoid sitting for several hours afterwards and I felt that spanking every time I sat for about 7 or 8 days.

To be clear, Ms. Omerta's statement was not that a professional disciplinarian could not bring someone to tears. In fact, in the recordings I was talking about she did exactly that. Her statement focused on whether the recipient was sexually aroused and she believes that if they are, then tears likely won't happen. She wasn't however, distinguishing between whether the disciplinarian was a pro or the recipient's partner.

I, too, almost always get an erection before a spanking. Ms. Omerta's theory is a good one, I think...one type of "wiring" is stronger than the other. I'd never thought of that. Of course, I think some are more prone to the erotic aspects of a spanking, as well. I too had a strong erotic response when I first discovered some Fm discipline materials on the web. Who knows where that came from, but it was obviously (and physically) undeniable! So, my time searching around on tumblr for pics and so forth proves I find it arousing. Now, some of you may well be spanked harder than me as well, so there's no thought of an erection! My erection usually does go away during the actual spanking, and then reappears shortly thereafter, as both my wife and I notice.Short break: Was thinking yesterday about signs here my wife wears the pants. She went out to hardware store, then fixed a gutter nail, while she told me to stay in and finish the painting in a bedroom! I'm sure a neighbor must have seen her. And, she's not shy about telling people what typically male-oriented house tasks she's done, either, so I'm sure some friends will hear about that soon enough! Meanwhile, I was in doing final painting (sometimes fixing aberrant paint strokes she'd made in her impatience), some housecleaning chores, and a load of wash(she said to do "darks"!). She'd of course taken the doorknob off, too, so I could paint the door easier! Of course, she checked my work as she thought necessary (a little more often than I did). Back to end on the erotic note, spooned her this morning in bed, hoping she might be receptive (in another "wears the pants" thing, she now controls when/how we have sex... funny how over a couple years, that just seems normal now). No luck for me... so here I am writing. I'm expecting to get a rump roasting later today, largely focusing on how I forgot to buy painting supplies at the hardware store earlier this week. Maybe I'll search for Ms. Omerta now. :) Sam

Sam, interesting to hear that your Wife is also too impatient to make a good painter. My Wife only managed 2 bedroom walls before handing me back the paintbrush to put them right! However, I love this character trait in her and the many times I still find myself racing to her the second she starts her now infamous summons, "I'll count to three!"

Dan,I do get a powerful erection even when she just threatens a spanking. To be honest it is stronger than during normal sex and can last a long time. I have thought about this for years and concluded the impending punishment releases something in me that normal sex doesn't Like almost everyone else I don't enjoy the spanking and it sure isn't erotic but I feel more in touch with myself after I have been spanked than any other time. My wife has told me the true me comes out after a punishment and the erection is part of that.Ed

Interesting observations, Ed. It makes sense to me that whatever the spanking does, it serves some internal need that is distinct from sex. They may be related and intertwined, but the itches they scratch are not the same.

I've had three BDSM play partners. The first two administered erotic spankings only. The second one was online only as she lived a long way away. She is a sadist as well as a domme and loves to administer spankings particularly punishment spankings.

Because she couldn't spank me herself she would instruct me to spank myself in front of my computer camera until she was satisfied that I had been sufficiently punished. She had given me a number of rules and punished me when I violated a rule. She was very strict and demanded complete obedience.

Interestingly I had erections during the punishment spankings but not during the erotic spankings with the previous two women. I guess somehow, when it was for punishment, it became more exciting.

DanI would think a family and marriage therapist even with a MA is not quite the same as being spanked by your partner. My intimate connection with Peter I would hope be a means to obtain what we both needed.If nothing else a session with me only costs Peter a sore bottom. Perhaps I need to start charging Peter the rates that a marriage counselor gets. Seriously I dont believe any expert knows as much as a couple committed to making their lives work. I have found the solution that Peter mentioned above has worked .

Hi Anna. Believe me, I take such things with a big grain of salt, and I'm not quite clear on that particular person separates out the "counseling" role from the "professional Domme" role. But, your tongue-in-cheek suggestion that perhaps you should charge Peter for his sessions is more than a little intriguing!

If she sees you for counseling, she does not do spanking sessions with you (and really does them very rarely at all she told me recently).

Her sessions are (in my case were) domestic in nature, and I actually prefer sessions with her or similarly situated professionals to doing it with a partner. The feelings that arise are ones I'd prefer not to project onto my partner, and we can deal with issues that could be difficult for my partner to deal with. Also, because the professional has some detachment, there is no anger on her end coming into play, which I strongly prefer.

A bare paddling is rare--but it happens once or twice a yr----Our sex life is great-----but a paddling is not one of those times for me----I know I got it coming --so no argument---when I bend my bare butt over to get it I am kind of nervous even though I know just what the paddling it is going to be like---It hurts but is not abusive---Its with in a great marriage--I know I got it coming---but sex stuff is not a part of my experience-when I get my bare butt paddled

Dan,Am answering your question from last topic about ways to embarrass him.One probably not available to most other wives is to threaten him with a spanking in Mom's presence. His blush is deep red when I do that and it ALWAYS settles him down.The other thing I am experimenting with is making him shave his pubic area before he is spanked to remind him he has behaved like a naughty boy and is being punished like one.It takes weeks to grow back in and I tease him about it regularly. Eventually I will just require him to shave when he is in trouble with me but skip the spanking to see if the embarrassment alone is enough. I think men don't feel shame enough for what they do and shaming him is becoming more and more a big part of disciplining himHolly

Dear Dan,First thanks for a great blog that I and many others must find invaluable. As the wife of a sometimes misbehaving husband I find erections before punishment unwelcome and even disrespectful.I am getting ready to give this guy the spanking of his life and he gets a hard on.It's true it goes away after I start but it spoils the entire ambiance of discipline. Does anyone else feel this way and has anyone successfully dealt with it?ThanksSunny

I hope some of the other Wives will respond on whether they see the issue as a problem and how they have dealt with it. At the risk of giving your husband a defense, it likely is not voluntary in any way and may not reflect the seriousness with which he takes it. As I recounted in the post, when we first started this, it happened basically all day long for days, even though I was terrified and mortified at the prospect of what was going to happen. And, it is still kind of that way. I know how bad her discipline can be, yet Little Dan seems to have a mind of his own. It may very well be that if your husband is turned on, it is because of your dominance and authority.

My wife disciplines me most every day. Prior to the spanking she will bring me to orgasm or watches me do it so I am never erect when the punishment comes. We believe sex and discipline should never be conflated. S&M sex is fun but it's not real. When my wife spanks me, it is real. The pain isn't softened by sexual arousal. It is real pain and really painful. It is not for the release of ejaculate, it is for the release of tears.

When I am faced with the threat of what I know will be a stern spanking or whipping, I am not likely to experience an immediate 'reaction' (unless I had been secretly longing for it) but, as she proceeds to swat, paddle, whip, birch or strap my uptuned derrière, a stiff 'reaction' usually follows - which makes for some mutually satisfying follow-up!

I hadn't really thought of this topic in this way at the time, but it seems to be shaping up as a nice test of what is driving each of us individually to this lifestyle. Some get no erection at all. (Maybe the purest interest in accountability or the most thorough acceptance of responsibility??) Some get one in anticipation of the spanking, but lose it during and after. (The authority of the disciplinarian or the thought of accountability are a turn on, at least on some level, but the reality of the spanking isn't. Some get it before, lose it during, then quickly regain it. (Horny much? ;-) ) And a (very)few like yourself seem to get one not from the anticipation but from the spanking itself. (Masochism?) Or, this could all be my post hoc attempt to rationalize and categorize something that isn't really based in reason.

What seems clear is that (for all the followers of this blog, at least) there is a strong erotic charge attached to spanking & al. but that it may be experienced or registered before, during, after (or possibly all three). Much depends, I suspect, on the 'mindset' and expectations of both the spanker and the spankee...

Hello Dan,Return of the prodigal commentator and a response to Sunny's question( great name). I suggest she ignores an initial erection because it really doesn't diminish the discipline as long as she spanks hard and long enough. By the time she finishes his cock is the last thing he is thinking about. If she can't ignore it than the age old solution is to send him into the bathroom to get rid of it and then spank him. Either one works for a woman who has been presented with one too many erections before a spanking. I don't really understand the whole erection thing especially for a man who has had serious discipline and knows what is coming. But I also don't worry about it because if anything it makes him obey when I order a spanking. I have spanked my husband when he didn't have an erection ( including after a command performance in the bathroom) and he was much harder to handle. All things equal I will take that early erection and go from there Marisa

My wife doesn't worry about my erections during spanking, but their presence, or lack thereof, are certainly an indicator of how angry she is. I lose it much faster if I have no advance warning of punishment. Prior knowledge, on the other hand, increases excitement, and that excitement will often override pain, thus enabling the erection to last throughout my ordeal. As for the erection's existence in the first place, for me it is definitely compelled by my wife's confidence and authority. These characteristics enable even a plain woman to be highly desirable.

Joan here, when are men going to learn, erections serve no purpose without some foreplay. My husband is still a little boy at times, so spankings are needed, and he understands it clearly. For myself I enjoy seeing him facing the wall displaying my handiwork, squirming while having a meal. They act like such little boys after a spanking, it is cute.

A nice soap enema does it too a technique I learned from my sister in the health field.It is part of his " get ready " list before every spanking to prepare one for use. He knows if I see an erection while I am scolding him , he gets the enema and then the spanking. I rarely need to use it. I understand as some have said erections can be involuntary.But I still think they are disrespectful and proof he is not taking being spanked seriously. I love his erections when we are making love but will not tolerate them during a punishment Barbara

Hi Barbara. I admit that when I posted this topic, it never once occurred to me that the Wives would see that reaction as disrespectful. You and the others who see it that way have given me something to think about. Thanks for joining.

No part of my discipline has ever given me an erection and in the ever unlikely event of me becoming aroused, I'd be embarrassed by the lack of respect I'd be showing. Discipline is a serious and formal affair for us and so I'm not only expected to give it full respect but I want to and controlling myself is a big part of this.

The concern over erections seems overdone. They are not really under conscious control, at least not entirely. There's numerous anecdotes out there where boys and men have involuntary erections prior to being spanked, where the recipients do not find spankings to be erotic. A somewhat distantly related scenario is some men getting an erection before a fight. Assuming he's taking the upcoming spanking seriously, any visible involuntary response is an indicator of his lack of control over his own body and behavior and more likely to be a cause of mild embarrassment than an intentional show of disrespect.Joe

Early in our DD relationship I used to get erections prior to a spanking, my wife would make me deal with it in front of her and then spank me. Now I am kept in chastity so an erection is somewhat complicated and the spankings always make any excitement disappear pretty quickly. However, occasionally an erection will push itself against the chastity device so she will milk me first and make me swallow it -the thought alone is usually an effective deterent. The point is she will not tolerate erections during a spanking and considers them very disrespectful of her authority.CRM

I seldom get an erection _before_ I get spanked (unless I am required to stand bare-bottomed in the corner before she proceeds), but I almost always do while the paddling, strapping or flogging is in progress - and this usually leads to 'mutual satisfaction' afterwards. Have others had the same experience?

I have a lot of erections a lot of times over nothing at all--but before I get switched bare I am kind of nervous so no erection---It just isn't the right time for me--Its going to hurt and she is outraged so nothing seems to be going right for me at that moment---no erection! just want it done but dreading it at same time

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