Another step out of the closet

I posted a message the other day about my challenge with coming to terms with some information my doctor gave me. I realize I left you hanging and some of you were concerned that I was not okay. I am.

I am okay and nothing has changed except for the fact that I have finally accepted that along with dealing with depression, that I do ocassionally experience periods of being high. I have been receiving treatment for bipolar disorder for many years and until last week, I would NOT accept that this was happening to me.

For some reason I was able to talk about depression, but not about the times I get really energized and excited or irritable and argumentative, the shopping sprees or doing things that I later regret. I don’t get as sick as some people do in this phase, but I certainly have been swinging between highs and lows for many years. I would just never admit it, even to myself.

I’ve been thinking a lot about why I would deny this reality and why I felt so ashamed to tell others about this and today I understood why I was doing this. I call it stigma – thinking poorly of people who are experiencing certain conditions.

For me depression had become acceptable, but not the highs, the hypomanic episodes that I always believed was just bad behavior and not a medical condition. I had judged these experiences as just being irresponsible. Truth is, I do not want to accept this reality. I’d rather pretend it’s not part of my life, mostly because I was afraid.

With acceptance, many things have happened. I finally understand what has been happening to me over the years, why there are times I can be well and get on with my life, why there are times when I can’t get out of bed for months at a time and why there are times when I believe I can do anything.

I’ve never felt stable and hated that about myself. Now it makes sense and I have stopped seeing myself as a weak, irresponsible person. I’ve been sick. That been my truth. And with this awareness, I know what I am dealing with and know that I can take steps to make all of this easier to live with.

And I’ve been able to let go of the very high expectations that I have always had for myself. I have accepted that I do have limitations and just need to learn to adjust my life to be the best that I can be in spite of the challenges.

This has not been an easy week, trying to sort out my life and shift how I see myself on top of dealing with the impact of the energy shifts. But acceptance has made all of this so much easier.

I’m so grateful for my friends who I’ve shared this info with who still love and accept me. And I am grateful to have the amazing connection I have with the Lady of the Sun who keeps assuring me, that I will be healed when the time is right. This has been so reassuring and a great comfort.

So, one more step out of the closet. And a reminder that people can have many gifts along with many challenges and still be able to do the work that we came here to do. And sometimes the greatest challenges are the greatest gifts.

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7 Responses to Another step out of the closet

I think that many awakened beings are resistant to labels. And wisely so, as labels can get you stuck in an identity that is so limiting. However persistant resistance to something can keep us just as stuck–ironic huh? So now that you have released the resistance and have accepted the label, you are free to accept and move beyond.

Please know, Sheryl, that love of self is paramount. So we need to love even the parts of ourselves that feel weak or dark. And we all have/had parts that we are not proud of or wish to hide…still working on my own “weaknesses” as well. I haven’t really shared mine with anyone so you are one step ahead of me in that regard.
Proud of you for taking these steps towards loving and healing yourself. You are an example for all of us. We are definitely our own harshest critics, aren’t we?
Again, thank you for being brave enough to share with us.
Blessings,
Dorothy

Karla, Thanks for sharing the link. I am also highly sensitive and have been learning how to manage this. This article had some good tips.

Gwendolyn, A good reminder about sugar. I have been using stevia when I can, but could be doing better with letting go of sugar. You are so right about the ups and downs related to food. This is an area I’m working on. Thanks for the advice

Georgia, I loved the line “no self pity allowed”. That is the attitude I am learning to take. Sure things have happened that have caused challenges, but it is up to me to decide how to deal with them. I can choose to feel sorry for myself and wallow in self pity, or I can just accept what is happening and get on with living. Thanks

I agree with Gwendolyn about the Stevia,but only in moderation.Too much will give you sicky feeling.If sweets are your downfall like most women,zinc helps to curb that craving,correct dosage is necessary. I congratulate you for your bravery in confronting & accepting yourself for who/what you really are.We all have our own type of flaws,whether emotional,physical,or social,no human is perfect.
At least you have taken the first step for an even balance.WE & mother earth are all struggling with energies & blockages.Once you get used to them,they will not feel so dominant & you can honestly say ” “okay,I must be having another one of “those” days…get over it and get on with life,no self pity allowed”.
May God and spirit with you,

Oh, Karla, I clicked on that link and that is an awesome post! wow! I really needed to read that and I know of another friend who will benefit from it as well! Thanks for sharing that! See, Sheryl, all the good that has come from this next step?!

Sheryl, have you thought about your sugar intake? I tend to be hypoglycemic and experience those lows and highs. When I keep my blood sugar regulated I don’t yo-yo like that. I often wonder if bi-polar is a mis-diagnosis for a sugar problem. In my house we have just learned how to deal with it, for instance we know better than to have white wine and cake at the same time or everyone will have a bad night! I now use Stevia as a sweetener. It is a plant extract, very natural, (not a man-made chemical), that is very sweet. It can be used in recipes to replace sugar. It is even calorie free! I try to have protein (not animal, I am vegetarian)when I feel that my blood sugar is low. I used to eat a candy bar but that only made me really high and crazy and then I would crash and be depressed. Stevia is very commonplace now and can even be found in Publix next to the sugar.
Something to think about. You could monitor your sugar intake for a few weeks to see if it makes a difference. White sugar is one of the worst things that you can consume anyway. I’m just sayin’…

This reminded me a lot of something I read some time ago. Hope you find it useful. Not directly related to depression or bipolarity (which is like a fashion in so many sensitive beings like us)but still it gives some insights on the way we feel: