Tool Definitions

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DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
Â metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and
Â flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project
Â which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
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Â WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under
Â the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and
Â hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say,
Â ‘Oh sh –‘
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Â SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
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Â PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of
Â blood-blisters.
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BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor
Â touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
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Â HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
Â principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
Â motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more
Â dismal your future becomes.
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Â VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt
Â heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer
Â intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
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Â OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable
Â objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside
Â the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

Â TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch woodÂ projectiles for testing wall integrity.
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Â HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the groundÂ after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmlyÂ under the bumper.
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Â BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops toÂ cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into theÂ trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outsideÂ edge.
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Â TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength ofÂ everything you forgot to disconnect.
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Â SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids
Â or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on yourÂ shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out phillipsÂ screw heads.
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Â STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans.. Sometimes used toÂ convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butcheringÂ your palms.
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Â PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
Â bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
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Â HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
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Â HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays isÂ used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive partsÂ adjacent the object we are trying to hit.
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Â UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboardÂ cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well onÂ contentsÂ such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collectorÂ magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially usefulÂ for slicing work clothes, but only while wearing said clothes.
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Â **SOB TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garageÂ while yelling ‘Son of a b—-‘ at the top of your lungs. It is also, mostÂ often, the next tool that you will need.*