Saturday, January 31, 2015

Sitting With It....

On January 9th, my Dad suffered another seizure and unlike the last time, recovery is not happening, and today, we received the news that it is time to begin the process of letting go. It hit me today, HARD, that my Dad will not be here much longer.

Deep Breath, Melissa....
My emotions were all over the place this morning, so I decided to sit with them today and not put them off or shove them down.

Pema Chodron's "When Things Fall Apart, Heart Advice for Difficult Times" is one of my all time favorite books and I go to it often when I am having a hard time and today I almost immediate found this passage.

“We think that the point is to pass the test or overcome the problem, but the truth is that things don't really get solved. They come together and they fall apart. Then they come together again and fall apart again. It's just like that. The healing comes from letting there be room for all of this to happen: room for grief, for relief, for misery, for joy"

Today, I let room in for grief. I sat with it. I acknowledged it. I cried. I laughed at memories when friends called and I talked. I felt the heaviness of it on my body and mind. I shared the information that I had held close to my heart because sharing it would make it all to real. I have even let the anger be.....

Today, I let it be real,

and in letting be real, I have found some truths that will never be broken.

My last phone call with my Dad, the day before he went back into the hospital, was beautiful and left nothing unsaid.

The last time I saw him in person, it was an amazing visit full of long conversations and ended with a long hug.

I am so incredibly grateful for my brother, sister in law, niece, cousin, my dad's wife, and all the others who live in Georgia who have been there in person day in and day out during his illness.

I know that I am in a process and can not take every day to just 'sit with it', but I needed it today and came up with some things to do everyday to acknowledge whatever I am feeling.....

And lastly, I am so incredibly grateful for your love, support, and acknowledgement of how hard this is. I am beyond words in awe of you.