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Everything about camping is wrong. There’s a reason we stopped living nomadic lifestyles and built homes for our families. By taking your family camping, you’re pushing back thousands of years of progress. Don’t be a progress hater.

If you insist on dragging your family through the wilderness, here are the top 5 worst things that will probably happen.

No cell service. Let’s say you’re playing Scattergories and your husband throws out a stupid word. You grab your phone to Google “Pandalicious” only to remember there is no service at the top of Mt. Crumpet. In that case, your phone becomes a weapon to throw at your husband’s head.

You have to poop. Every outhouse looks like a crime scene. You know there’s some creepy ass poopophile who’s climbed into the latrine and is filming for his YouTube bowel movement channel.

(This luxurious bathroom is filled with wasps but not filled with toilet paper.)

Bear maulings. According to BearSmart.com, if you happen upon a bear in the woods, “Identify yourself by speaking in a calm, appeasing tone.” That’s because bears are super-civilized, we’re too stupid to acknowledge their advanced breeding.

Me (coming face-to-face with a bear): Hello, Mr. Bear. My name is Peri Kinder and I love your coat. Is that Chanel?

Bear: [rips my face off and uses my leg bones as chopsticks]

Camp Food. Outside dining is overly-romanticized. You picture your family sitting around the campfire eating Dutch Oven BBQ ribs, dinner rolls and apple crisp. In reality, it takes approximately 35 hours for a Dutch Oven to reach a heat high enough to cook ramen noodles. You’ll be stuck with a diet of Cheetos, Oreos, trail mix and canned soup—if someone remembered to pack the can opener.

Wildlife. We covered the bear section, but we didn’t discuss squirrels, raccoons, otters, chipmunks, mice, rats, tarantulas, mountain lions, deer, moose, elk, frogs, turtles, owls, hawks, porcupines, foxes, badgers, potguts, moles and snakes. Each of these creatures hates you and will kill you with no provocation.