Thursday, February 24, 2011

Glenn Beck is Certified a “Looney”

Special to INS — The American Psychiatric Association (APA) announced that it has created a new category of mental illness, “Looney,” to describe the unique mental state of Glenn Beck.

An abstract from the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) states that “The Looney is typically characterized as being a combination of Messianic, Napoleonic, and Occult personalities with overtones of martyrdom and a tendency toward self-flagellation and self-pleasuring. . . . There is no known cure, although isolation and streaming videos of MSNBC’s Chris Matthews might ease the symptoms.”

APA President Carol A. Bernstein, MD, said that the inspiration for this new category came from association member Seekim Odbalim, MD, who has been observing media, sports, and entertainment figures for the past forty years: “I have had no problem classifying a Lady Gaga, a John McEnroe, or even a Rush Limbaugh, but Beck did not fit into a neat slot like these examples of nut cases. Put simply, Glenn Beck occupies a special place in the nut world because his symptoms overlap a wide range of clinical disorders, and thus the name ‘Looney’.”

Fox News President Roger Ailes summed up his company’s reaction to the APA announcement: “Why do you think we hired him?”

Although pressure has been building to categorized Congresswoman Michele Bachmann as a Looney, Odbalim said, “We must maintain the distinction among certifiable Loonies, Idiots, and the Dim-Witted. After consulting with several colleagues, I felt that Bachmann belongs in the latter category. After all, she cannot remember her third-grade history, although I understand that she can now tell the difference between the Civil and Revolutionary Wars. That old saying, ‘The eyes are windows on the soul,’ certainly applies to her. If you’ll notice, there’s nothing in there.”