Saturday, January 29, 2011

I dare you to thank the people you hated as a kid....

Its pretty much impossible NOT to have feelings of self hatred if youve grown up gay in America. The use of FAG or GAY as a negative is used by the second growing up. So it is a FACT that were trained to hate ourselves, whether we do or not consciously is another story but believe me ITS THERE. You can say its not, but I just cant believe that, but what I CAN believe is that there are MANY people out there, like myself, who are aware of this fact and have made VERY STRONG efforts to build up a sense of self and self worth and are now quite happy.... BUT... this does NOT go for everyone. I used to be the type of person really deeply poisoned with RAGE ... and I still am A LITTLE, but the little bit I still have I sorta CHERISH. Its not like it controls me so much anymore, but I had it for so long its really a large part of my identity so I dont want to be COMPLETELY DEVENOMIZED but I can say as I move forward in life Im happily LESS TOXIC.. but I do like do keep a little just for fun.... Less overrun with rage, and more like happily me but armed with a stinger if I CHOOSE to use it, not just running around hatefully spewing venom in every direction. Life as a self loathing venomous cunt SUCKS... I know because I used to be a self loathing venomous cunt. What you dont realize when you are one is that all that hatred you spit on people is just a projection of your own feeling towards yourself. So you project those feelings which you cant tolerate on to others and punish THEM for your "crimes"... Its a nasty cycle... I notice this because ANY of my friends who have a presence, whether its a BODY, or a VOICE, or a PERSONALITY, get hated on by the gays the MOST. Anyone I know who is DOING SOMETHING or that HAS A PRESENCE takes the most hits. The gays need to stop thinking that hating on other gays is going to make them feel better because it DOESNT. It just sinks you DEEPER and DEEPER into the MUCK OF SELF LOATHING. Its one thing to hate on someone for say DEALING CRYSTAL METH and its another to hate on somebody because they have the BODY YOU SECRETLY WANT, or they had the NERVE to BE THEMSELVES or the PERSON THEY WANT TO BE and because youre self loathing youre TOO SCARED TO HAVE A VOICE. Its really a rotten process because I think culturally its the reason why were not better off in society. I mean I know this REAL CORNY to say this but the fact of the matter is this is a male dominated planet we live on and as a bunch of gay men there is NO REASON why we shouldnt be more powerful as a group. I think its this constant projection of self loathing that keeps gays hating one another and thus down.. Its not fierce. Next time you hate on another gay guy TRY and ask yourself if youre jealous, you might be surprised. You could very well be jealous of their freedom, happiness, or voice... there is a very nasty voice deep inside most of us that tells other gays who have a SENSE OF SELF to SHUT THE FUCK UP... I suggest just trying to see if this is the voice your using when project onto someone, I'm willing to bet that it is... Once you start noticing this you will start doing it less and MAGICALLY you will not only become happier you will start becoming PRODUCTIVE. There is some kind of weird correlation I find between the hate and a general blase' negativity toward life. Then over time suddenly you realize what you WERE and then even freakier you realize who you are now and that youre now one of those people you were HATEFULLY JEALOUS OF because now youre a person who IS SOMETHING and DOES STUFF?!?! Ok... i need to stop writing, know that I write this stuff not just to share with others but because its therapeutic for me to put it all down in writing and have my thoughts down in a SEMI COHESIVE form so that I can have them organized and structured in my brain. Like I actually just EXHALED... Its kinda major... OH... and a thing I discovered recently... Its RAD... A few years ago when I was EXCRUCIATINGLY TOXIC I would ANGRILY sign my checks to the electric company and such. I had no reason to be angry at them. I should LOVE THEM, they give me ELECTRICITY and HEAT and entrust me to pay them AFTER theyve given it to me.... but NO.. I was angry at the world and this was just another thing to be angry at... unmitigated rage... totally pointless... anyways. My bf at the time was a therapist and said how there was this woman, who I think was also a therapist, and she said she KISSES her bills before she mails them because shes thankful that they trusted her enough to give her the services before paying and that shes grateful for that.... I about PUKED.... but SECRETLY later that week i tried it... PITOOEY.. it was AWFUL... but I GOT IT.. I actually did feel better and I COULD NOT BELIEVE I just did it... I did it couple more times too, and after awhile I just didnt have to anymore because I GOT THE POINT... but every once and I while I still do just to show Im still thankful... As im constantly trying to be introspective and work on myself to be a better person I thought... Hrmmm What if I apply this kissing the bills concept to the people that I HATED in my formative years because now being that, I cannot believe that Im typing this, I LIKE MYSELF I can actually be THANKFUL they were DICKS to me and HURT MY FEELINGS because now Im a FIERCE RULING GAY DUDE and a tiny bit of that is because of them. If not for them I would not have this SOLID CHASSIS with RAD BODY that I do today.... THANK YOU KEN HAVENS for saying I had CHICKEN LEGS in fifth grade.. because now my legs are MAJOR... THANK YOU LISA GIRARD for making fun of my KERMIT SNEAKERS and saying they were from PRICE CHOPPER because now i have STYLE.. Thank you Matt Westfall for ATTACKING ME because I was WEIRD because now I am a KING OF WEIRDNESS and have turned that into a FIERCE INCOME ... I am MAJOR because of them... uh it feels like a massage!!!!... Ugh I still sorta hate Lisa Girard though... Ugh i just cant shake her?! Her comment about my Kermit shoes was SO MEAN...Hrmmm... why?? I mean I KNOW it was because she was jealous and was like 1 of 8 children so she probably had nothing of her own and indeed probably did have shoes from Price Chopper but I think it was especially CUNTING because my mom DID buy them at a discount store because we were POOR, were were CLASSY mind you and everyone THOUGHT we were rich but we werent, my mom was a social worker and my dad was a DEAD BEAT... so I think her comment just SUCKED because it was KINDA TRUE but I actually LIKED those Kermit shoes.. I liked Kermit, he was my friend, and I remember sitting with my mother watching The Muppet Movie in the theatre and it being one of the best moments of my childhood so her commenting on them was not only insulting my shoes, but insulting my friend, and my mom, and because I was ALONE and she had two sisters sitting with her on the jungle gym that day I just had to sit there and take it... Lisa Girard... THANK YOU... I dunno how you did it but Im here today and Im happy and I have a great life..THANK YOU LISA GIRARD.. you really let me know whats important in this world. My friends, my sense of self, and my mom.... Wow writing shit down really is good?! I figured out the Lisa Girard Debacle?!?!?! I have been carrying that one for like 29 years?!?!?!? WOOOOOOOOO big exhale...

13 comments:

Do you find now you've sorted out your shit, you're that much less easily hurt when other guys are mean to you? A guy I met this week messaged me the next day and apologized for saying something mean and insulting and I had to honestly reply that I had no memory of it at all.

David, you should be really really proud of yourself at this moment. Some people, possibly even myself, never get to this point in life where you are at. Everything you wrote is so true....oh and the RAGE...lordy does it suck and it lives deep deep in our souls and isn't an easy issue to work through. Hopefully your piece will raise some awareness by those who read it and it will start a conversation amongst many gay men.

I have to say too, you really would be a great mentor to young gay teenagers out there who feel all alone or like they don't fit in. Someday, maybe you can be that person who reaches out, shares your story, and makes a whole new generation of young GLBT kids never have to feel all the things that those of us of Gen X had to go through.

Thanks guys! to James, I would NOT say Ive sorted my shit out, not at all, but ive at least acknowledged it, i think it takes years of practice before you sort it out, realizing youre doing it is the first step, not the last one... what funny is I was motivated to write this because of nasty comments people made about me on the manhunt blog because they wrote a little thing on me. Yes i definitely care less, but whats frustrating is , for the moment it DOES hurt your feelings, even if you know its coming out of jealously. People need to know saying nasty things about someone isnt ever going to make you feel better. Youre just going to make yourself AND the other person feel bad... its not a wise move.

Oh, and also: Recently when I was avoiding work and studying internet memes, I came across "Unicorn Boy". Which was jam-packed with fierce awesomeness.

http://knowyourmeme.com/search/memes?utf8=%E2%9C%93&q=unicorn+boy

I saw some of the comments on the Mahhunt blog when I followed the link you posted and, as someone who knows how hurtful stupid anonymous comments can be (EVEN when you know they are irrelevant and you shouldn't waste a second thinking about them), I was disappointed. To those people, I say this:

I'm still not sure how I found your blog, but I check in now a couple of times a month and I am constantly amazed because while our lives couldn't be any more different (I imagine), we share similarities that give me a sense of camaraderie that not only blows my mind, but makes me feel really good. This post was beyond that and I want to thank you and prepare you, because when I realized that I had to bless my rapists from my childhood, not only did the horror of the event diminish, but the space that I had to create once letting that go has radically altered my life for the better and changed my way of being to the core. I don't know how long you've had this realization if its new or you've been grooving on it for awhile, but you've just opened yourself up to a spectacular transformation, and given how creative you are, I'd say world watch out! A major force has just been unleashed, and to quote you, "it's fierce!"

Thank you for sharing and for doing the work that only our grown-up selves can do to heal our kid selves. You rock!

I'm still not sure how I found your blog, but I check in now a couple of times a month and I am constantly amazed because while our lives couldn't be any more different (I imagine), we share similarities that give me a sense of camaraderie that not only blows my mind, but makes me feel really good. This post was beyond that and I want to thank you and prepare you, because when I realized that I had to bless my rapists from my childhood, not only did the horror of the event diminish, but the space that I had to create once letting that go has radically altered my life for the better and changed my way of being to the core. I don't know how long you've had this realization if its new or you've been grooving on it for awhile, but you've just opened yourself up to a spectacular transformation, and given how creative you are, I'd say world watch out! A major force has just been unleashed, and to quote you, "it's fierce!"

Thank you for sharing and for doing the work that only our grown-up selves can do to heal our kid selves. You rock!

Well, the trick is distinguishing between people who "hate" out of envy or self-reassurance versus people who criticize fairly and constructively, when it's their business.

Because you can't LOVE ANYTHING in this world without HATING when you see it destroyed.

And that's why I criticize -- out of love for what should be.

You can't refrain from all criticism of other gay people, because then there would be no accountability for anything they do or improvement, which you thank your childhood critics for, even though they were straight-up haters.

And any person who has a public "presence," "strong voice," or "IS DOING SOMETHING" professionally volunteers for criticism.

You can't be a businessman, public figure or a leader without a thick skin and an ear for when critics are being destructive versus when they're being fair or helpful.

And there will never be a "correct" answer for creativity, including the body type one chooses to have. Art is subjective and there's no body type that doesn't have disadvantages.

There's plenty of room for debate and differences, depending on where it's coming from.