Q&A for Teens: Disconnected Jew

I don’t feel a spiritual connection with God or the Jewish community. How do I start feeling that I belong?

I am Jewish by birth, but growing up I wasn't raised with a great emphasis on my Jewishness. I knew it was there, and occasionally we celebrated holidays (Chanukah and Passover, mostly), and I know many of the stories and parables of our ancestors. I love my Jewishness. But I don't feel a spiritual connection with God or with the Jewish community. I didn't go to Hebrew school growing up, I don't have many Jewish friends, and despite my mother being Israeli and most of my family living there, I don't know any Hebrew.

I'm starting college in a few months and I know I'll have opportunities to make connections there. But I always feel like I don't belong with the other Jewish kids due to my lack of knowledge, a Hebrew/Jewish sounding name, and the fact that I'm multi-racial. I don't know where to start to get a better grasp on the more religious part of Judaism, and where to insert myself in the community. What should I do?

Lauren Roth's Answer

Let me start with the last part of your question, in which, basically, you say, “I don’t feel I belong with other Jewish kids because I’m not perfectly like them.” Do you know how many experiences and relationships we humans miss out on because we’re nervous: “I won’t be able to do it perfectly, so I’d rather not try”?

I read an interview with Karl Lagerfeld (of Chanel and Fendi). He said the most extraordinary statement:

“I like antique lace, antique sheets, beautiful quilted covers, but everything is white. In white you can hide nothing. I have everything – sheets and nightshirt and robes – changed every day. It’s such a pleasure to go to bed in the evening in a beautiful bed with beautiful sheets and beautiful pillows, everything flawless, in a freshly pressed, long white smock. It’s perfect.”

Everything white? Everything “flawless?” A freshly-pressed nightshirt? “Perfect?” Those words doesn’t describe Real Life. You can’t live an authentic life in a white house with white sheets and white clothes and white furniture. Real Life is never perfect or flawless or clean or white. It’s messy and dirty and complicated and full of imperfect fits and stubborn stains that won’t come out – and even more stains yet to come.

Just because you’re not perfectly like the other Jewish people you see doesn’t mean you don’t belong.

Also, I think that most people these days (at least the people I decide to associate myself with) are open-minded, and even actively looking for diversity in their lives. Personally, I love the fact that my friends are all very different from each other. I would find it extremely boring to have a bunch of Stepford wives in my social sphere. Variety is definitely the spice of my life.

I am so impressed that you have the desire to know what your heritage is all about. Self-knowledge is an extremely empowering path to personal peace. You are avoiding the fate of so many Jews today whose Judaism is a mere relic in the attic of their lives.

I just attended a 25th reunion for a Jewish summer program I attended in high school. I was talking with three other men who had attended the program the same year I had, and we were discussing work, and children, and quality time with our families, and work-life balance…. After an hour and a half, one of the men made a statement which revealed to me that his wife was not Jewish. He said, “My wife doesn’t mind if I raise our kids Jewish.” And then the second man of the three said, “Mine doesn’t mind either.” And then the third lamented, “Mine does. She minds very much.”

I was stunned! Out of three nice, Jewish boys, all three had married non-Jews! According to Jewish law, Judaism flows through the mother, not the father; for all three of those men, their Jewish heritage ended with them. I am so happy for you that you – through your desire to connect to your roots – are avoiding that sad ending, and, instead, embarking on an exciting, invigorating journey.

I am certain that in your area, wherever you live, there are Torah classes and Torah-observant Jews. In some cities and communities there are more Jewish educational programs than in others. And in different locales the classes will be given by either more or less knowledgeable teachers and rabbis than in others. Wherever you live, you can find a mentor online through TorahMates or through Partners in Torah; they will connect you to a mentor/teacher at a time and venue which works for you. You can also find host families for an entire Shabbat, or just for a Shabbat meal, at Shabbat.com. Also, Artscroll has thousands of books about authentic Judaism in English, and of course don’t forget Aish.com, where you can learn oodles about your roots!

My dear, your heritage awaits; the entire Jewish world is open to you. How exciting!

Featured at Aish.com:

About the Author

Lauren Roth, MSW, LSW, is a graduate of Princeton University, a Marriage and Parenting Therapist in private practice in Lakewood, New Jersey, and an inspirational speaker across North America and on the high seas. She is the weekly "Dear Dr. Lauren" columnist for Ami Magazine. Mrs. Roth and her husband, Rabbi Dr. Daniel Roth, are the parents of six children.

Visitor Comments: 10

(6)
Esther,
November 12, 2012 3:50 PM

Resonse to Comments 3 and 4

It's unfortunate that David (of Comment 4) and the individual or Comment 3 seem to miss some of what Dr. Roth was trying to convey - that ALL Jews are indeed welcome in the Jewish community, no matter the background of level of knowledge; and she lists some sources where to begin one's connection if one is looking for it. I come from a completely non-observant home (my parents had never been to shul having come from the Soviet Union), and I married a non-Jewish man. Nontheless, when I came upon Aish HaTorah a number of years ago, both me and my son (and even now ex-husband) were treated like we had just come home, always being invited to meals and to stay. And he just leined the Torah at his bar mitzvah this summer! And indeed, it seems that many people from our entire community have diverse and interesting backgrounds - and we are all loved and supported, perhaps even more so because of it! After all - we are Jews! Scattered over the world, and this is one of our challenges if we want to continue our survival. Seeing the kindness in this time of Sandy reminds us of how we are all connected no matter where we come from.

(5)
דונה,
October 31, 2012 3:43 AM

Wow! Could not believe, yes,my,ears

Three nice Jewish boys... I get it! Not sure Ezra got it right?? My gut tells me protectionism in the face of exile. Despite the rejection, I stay with you guys because my Nashema says to. No one is perfect; but your up there! I have Paternal lineage and my intention is to learn all that I can so that when my husband dies ( G-d forbid) I can be ready to convert. I am a practical person married to a Roman... Don't ask!

(4)
David,
October 30, 2012 9:42 PM

How about applying this title to children of mixed marriages?

I find the author to be somewhat hypocritical: Bemoaning her detachment from the Jewish community yet castigating men of mixed relationships--which is a phenomenon among all ethnic and even some racial groups-- even in Israel. Did she even consider the detatchment of those million of children of mixed marriages who feel detatched because one parent -- especially the mother-- isn't Jewish? Does Aish try reaching out to these 'imperfect' souls? Or by such writing is it implied that only those born to 2 Jewish parents deserve to be given an ear when their lives aren't going so perfect? The Jewish community of every strata should be reaching out to those children of mixed marriages if we as a people want to to strengthen our community.

Dvirah,
October 31, 2012 4:42 PM

Clarification

David, the article consists of a question asked by one person (young and female) and answered by an older person. There should have been a header marking where the question ended and the reply began - this is missing, probably due to some technical error. To clarify, the "bemoaning" is being done by the questioner and the "castigating" by the replier - these are two separate people, thus no hypocrisy.

Miriam,
November 1, 2012 8:56 PM

Nobody said a child of a Jewish father and non-Jewish mother is imperfect

The child might be the most wonderful, amazing, perfect child on earth! He or she just happens not to be Jewish according to Jewish law.

(3)
Anonymous,
October 30, 2012 9:30 PM

Open minded??

Nice strory.
The comment "I think that most people these days (at least the people I decide to associate myself with) are open-minded, and even actively looking for diversity in their lives" though is wishful thinking. Most people also in the Jewish communities which I at least know are very narrowminded and not at all welcomiing, including orthodox Jews and Chabad. So I can understand the anxiety of the questioning writer too well. In the end, oneis left alone, coz its a closed club. If you din't attend their Jewish Day school or come from another town, you are doomed forever as an outsider. No they don't like diversity and are not openminded.

Anonymous,
November 1, 2012 8:58 PM

Really?

Find me another community in the world, other than the orthodox Jewish community where perfect strangers are invited to eat gourmet meal, week after week, to sleepover for the weekend...Yes, it's a very open minded, welcoming community, that of Orthodox Jews.

Ralph Rosen,
April 5, 2013 1:36 AM

Chabad is very open and welcoming to me!

In response to Anonymous in response (3): I wonder where Anon. has gone to Chabad? My experience has been very positive with Chabad of Orlando,Fl. Every one has been warm and welcoming to me, especially Rabbi Konikov and his congregation. I was not raised Orthodox, and only in the last 2 1/2 years have I made good strides toward becoming Bal Teshuva, after being non -observant for almost 40 years since my Bar Mitzva. They welcome all Jews regardless of background or level of observance. (I myself still have far to go!) Please give Chabad another try. It will make a big difference given the chance. Come visit us in Orlando and you will see what I mean! It would be a pleasure to meet you and introduce you to my "adoptive Jewish second home".

(2)
Anonymous,
October 30, 2012 9:04 PM

Your community is here

Dear Lauren, Yours is not an unusual feeling, even the most observant Jews lose their sense of connection at times. Try to find a beginners shabbat service where it is possible to ask questions, have comments. You can read the weekly Parsha portion (found online) and bring questions there. Find out about classes that you can attend. They don't have to be about Jewish law, although those can be very philosophical and feisty, but can focus on historical aspects of our religion, the role that women played in the early times and continue to play in their families. Mostly, know that, as Jews, we are chosen to do the right thing, to fulfill Hashem's commandments, and as the morning prayer recited upon arising says Hashem's faithfulness in us is abundant. Hashem's faith is that we will do the right thing, that we will be generous and give charity, and take care of our fellow human being, and each day we are reminded that, no mater how we may have "failed" the day before, Hashem is still trusting in us to be kind and generous today. There are many ways to return to Jewish life and as one person that is still doing it--returning, that is--I can tell you that my life is so much richer and my relationships that much more meaningful. Having taken the step of writing in is the first and most meaningful one you could have taken. Welcome back!

I live in rural Montana where the Cholov Yisrael milk is difficult to obtain and very expensive. So I drink regular milk. What is your view on this?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Jewish law requires that there be rabbinic supervision during the milking process to ensure that the milk comes from a kosher animal. In the United States, many people rely on the Department of Agriculture's regulations and controls as sufficiently stringent to fulfill the rabbinic requirement for supervision.

Most of the major Kashrut organizations in the United States rely on this as well. You will therefore find many kosher products in America certified with a 'D' next to the kosher symbol. Such products – unless otherwise specified on the label – are not Cholov Yisrael and are assumed kosher based on the DOA's guarantee.

There are many, however, do not rely on this, and will eat only dairy products that are designated as Cholov Yisrael (literally, "Jewish milk"). This is particularly true in large Jewish communities, where Cholov Yisrael is widely available.

Rabbi Moshe Feinstein wrote that under limited conditions, such as an institution which consumes a lot of milk and Cholov Yisrael is generally unavailable or especially expensive, American milk is acceptable, as the government supervision is adequate to prevent non-kosher ingredients from being added.

It should be added that the above only applies to milk itself, which is marketed as pure cow's milk. All other dairy products, such as cheeses and butter, may contain non-kosher ingredients and always require kosher certification. In addition, Rabbi Feinstein's ruling applies only in the United States, where government regulations are considered reliable. In other parts of the world, including Europe, Cholov Yisrael is a requirement.

There are additional esoteric reasons for being stringent regarding Cholov Yisrael, and because of this it is generally advisable to consume only Cholov Yisroel dairy foods.

In 1889, 800 Jews arrived in Buenos Aires, marking the birth of the modern Jewish community in Argentina. These immigrants were fleeing poverty and pogroms in Russia, and moved to Argentina because of its open door policy of immigration. By 1920, more than 150,000 Jews were living in Argentina. Juan Peron's rise to power in 1946 was an ominous sign, as he was a Nazi sympathizer with fascist leanings. Peron halted Jewish immigration to Argentina, introduced mandatory Catholic religious instruction in public schools, and allowed Argentina to become a haven for fleeing Nazis. (In 1960, Israeli agents abducted Adolf Eichmann from a Buenos Aires suburb.) Today, Argentina has the largest Jewish community in Latin America with 250,000, though terror attacks have prompted many young people to emigrate. In 1992, the Israeli Embassy in Buenos Aires was bombed, killing 32 people. In 1994, the Jewish community headquarters in Buenos Aires was bombed, killing 85 people. The perpetrators have never been apprehended.

Be aware of what situations and behaviors give you pleasure. When you feel excessively sad and cannot change your attitude, make a conscious effort to take some action that might alleviate your sadness.

If you anticipate feeling sad, prepare a list of things that might make you feel better. It could be talking to a specific enthusiastic individual, running, taking a walk in a quiet area, looking at pictures of family, listening to music, or reading inspiring words.

While our attitude is a major factor in sadness, lack of positive external situations and events play an important role in how we feel.

[If a criminal has been executed by hanging] his body may not remain suspended overnight ... because it is an insult to God (Deuteronomy 21:23).

Rashi explains that since man was created in the image of God, anything that disparages man is disparaging God as well.

Chilul Hashem, bringing disgrace to the Divine Name, is one of the greatest sins in the Torah. The opposite of chilul Hashem is kiddush Hashem, sanctifying the Divine Name. While this topic has several dimensions to it, there is a living kiddush Hashem which occurs when a Jew behaves in a manner that merits the respect and admiration of other people, who thereby respect the Torah of Israel.

What is chilul Hashem? One Talmudic author stated, "It is when I buy meat from the butcher and delay paying him" (Yoma 86a). To cause someone to say that a Torah scholar is anything less than scrupulous in meeting his obligations is to cause people to lose respect for the Torah.

Suppose someone offers us a business deal of questionable legality. Is the personal gain worth the possible dishonor that we bring not only upon ourselves, but on our nation? If our personal reputation is ours to handle in whatever way we please, shouldn't we handle the reputation of our nation and the God we represent with maximum care?

Jews have given so much, even their lives, for kiddush Hashem. Can we not forego a few dollars to avoid chilul Hashem?

Today I shall...

be scrupulous in all my transactions and relationships to avoid the possibility of bringing dishonor to my God and people.

With stories and insights,
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