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Grandparent Interfering with Custody Arrangements

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Has anyone had to deal with an grandparent interfering with custody
arrangements? I have two children. A boy and girl. My daughter is not my exhuband's bio child, but he has raised her since infancy. The current situation began after my daughter began to have nightmares while staying at my exhusband's house. She would cry for me to pick her up. She wouldn't want to go back. We've tried taking her to counselors, meeting with her together, and keping her with me. All the time her reasons for not wanting to be at her dad's house are just that she is scared. On Father's day, my exhusband got tired of dealing with her and told me to just keep her. He didn't want to have anything to do with her anymore. We met to exchange her and my exmotherinlaw threaten me physically. SHe told my daughter that everything was her fault: the divorce, the separations, the problems. SHe called my daughter a selfish brat for wanting to be with me instead of her dad. My exhusband just sat and watched her say these means things to my daughter. My exhusband even told her that she had a change to have a real dad and gave it up. Since that exchange, ex mother-in-law has done numerous things to sabotage our co-parenting relationship of our son. The most recent events have become violent and verbally threatening toward myself. I have documented and filed incident reports, but want to work this out with my exhusband. My exhuband says he tells his stepmom to mind her own business, but there she is... calling my cellphone, picking up my son when it is my exchange time, and telling my son that mommy doesn't want him anymore. She tells him that I only want my daughter and not him. My son has been acting very strange with me. He withdraws, gets upset, says things like I don't love him anymore, and he "compares" our households all the time. Before his grandmother started harrassing me, I had my son 75% of the time. My exhusband is in the military and is often on active duty. He's never acted this way before. I took him to see a counselor, but he won't talk about what happened. I'm afraid to press him about it, too.
Any advice out there for my situation?? (Last changed: February 26, 2006)

Comments
I went through 14 years of paternal grandparent problems - PAS... In the following, I will be blunt. It is not to make you feel stressed and worried. I hope it has some information that could help you. It is derived from my experiences and from just a few others who had dealt with these type of behaviors... If she shows up to pick up the child for him - refuse to let your child go, untill he shows up to pick up your child. Technically, you would not be keeping him from visitation by doing that. Talk to him about her interference and violence, if possible. Make sure that you could be ready for court though. The grandmother acts like she is motivated to do something nasty. Perhaps she is trying to build a case based on falseness for grandparents rights to the extreme. Do you think your ex feels that his mother should have as much power in the situation, as she may be telling him? And that would be a reason why he backs off? (if I am getting the right picture here...) If you suspect that, you probably should have a long talk with him in person - you would need to convince him to focus only on you two for making decisions and doing anything in regards for your child. And to not let the grandmother interfere like that, because (when speaking to him), it actually violates his rights. And you may want to express that any badmouthing from her about either of you is detrimental to your child - and could cause regressed emotional development. If he is not reasonable in a conversation as such, then do not expect to be able to "work things out with him" anymore. The reason why I say this is because psychologically, he would be controlled by his mother, and no matter what she does (depending on the level of controlling nature she has towards him and the child) he will temporarily be blinded as that she is not doing anything wrong. There needs to be something said about the grandmother's badmouthing, stalking, and violance. If it appears that she is interferring with the parental bond that you and your child have, then you should say something in court...something to document the situation, or handle it immediately. Perhaps request sanctions in court if she continues. After that, the only thing to do is to request the court to keep her away from the child. Especially if a grandparent's rights case occurs. Don't forget restraining orders. The problem with grandparent's who do any form of PAS, do not seem to get any "slap on the wrist" or elsewise from the legal system enough. Most people are led to believe that they can't do anything about it because she is a grandmother. Do not ever fall for that. It can lead to extreme problems later down the road. Therapist involvement (if a true PAS specialist), would be good. Even if your child refuses. In extreme PAS, when a child refuses to go to therapy, it is often stemming from the PAS itself, not the child's total feelings about going. Did you make a police report for the physical threat? RE: "My exhusband even told her that she had a change to have a real dad and gave it up." - Even though he said that out of hurt - it hurt the situation. It sounds like the grandmother is manipulating him - and interferring with the bond between him and the child. It sounds like he's letting the grandmother overpower him mentally. RE: 'I took him to see a counselor, but he won't talk about what happened. I'm afraid to press him about it, too." - he might be afraid to talk because of what the grandmother has said and done. This is where you need to make sure you have a true PAS specialist. Approaching your child about the PAS is never easy. It is possible, although. What you need to do for this, is express that you love him, and are worried about what the grandmother is telling him. And that sometimes, people don't like another person for many different reasons - but those reasons may be selfish. And you may want to parallel the selfish reasons descriptions to stories about made up people who are doing the same things as the grandmother to bring some comprehension - without saying the grandmother. Don't press at this point. That could be negative, whereas if this continued on for many years, you would need to press then. Two books with helpful information are:
Divorce Poison by Dr. Richard A. Warshak * Note: he has his own website with tips, too. He is active in presenting change in the legal system regarding this.
Divorce Casualties: Protecting Your Children from Parental Alienation by Douglas Darnall, Ph.D.
Please feel free to email me. And good luck! - [E-mail address removed]
(Last changed: February 26, 2006 )

Comments
Thank you for your response. It's been 3 weeks since the incident. I have been building my case, pro se. I plan on going to court for a change in circumstance and modification to child support. I am going to submit a motion to change the parenting plan agreement that we have on file into a amendment and restatement. I feel that it is necessary to lay some ground rules about my ex mother in law's involvement. Some clarification to my original post: She doesn't come to my house to pick up my son. She goes to his daycare before I get out of work and TAKES HIM. It's illegal. I have filed a restraining order against her because of the terrible things she told my daughter and the verbal threats of violence against me. I filed an incident report for the Father's Day incident, too. My son is seeing a therapist now. She is very upset about the things that my exhusband and my exmother in law are telling my son. Like he'll get a new bike if he lives with his dad and mommy chose sister over him because I don't love him anymore. They lie, lie, lie. I'm tired of it! I only want what is fair. I don't want to take my son from his father either. I'm in the State of New Mexico. I'll keep you all posted on what happens. Wish me luck.
(Last changed: February 26, 2006)

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