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Thursday, February 9, 2017

Chris Eboch on The Painful Process of Crafting a Query

I've been working on a query
(the horror! the horror!) and I decided to track the process for my critique
group, since most members there haven't done a lot of queries. They found it
helpful so maybe you will as well. Sometimes it's so hard to see how a novel
can be condensed. Whether or not this final result is ideal, I hope it shows
some of the questions and issues that come up.

Starts Someplace

I wrote this part not as a query, but as an introduction to
the samples I was posting at an online site. I used it as my starting point for
the query:

Circa 1350 BC: the era of Akhenaten and Nefertiti, and
a young King Tut. The great pyramid of Giza is already more than 1000 years
old. Akhenaten has declared himself the conduit to Aten, the one God,
taking power and money from the priests of Amun-Re.

Fifteen-year-old Meret trained as a temple dancer, a
position that requires strength, discipline, and acrobatic ability. She was
ejected from the temple when her father switched his allegiance to Aten. Now
her father has been arrested, accused of treason, and sentenced to die.
Determined to fight against the loss of everything she holds dear, Meret seeks
help, guided by a mysterious young man from a dream. When she visits the
abandoned temple of the Pharaoh Queen Hatshepsut, what she finds will change
her view of the world… and her future.

What Does a Query
Need

Now I'm working to revise it as a query. First step, jump
into the plot instead of spending several sentences on background:

Egypt, 1350 BC. Fifteen-year-old Meret trained as a temple
dancer, a position she lost when her father switched his allegiance to Aten.
Now her father has been arrested, accused of treason, and sentenced to die.

[Wait, “allegiance to Aten” doesn’t make sense without
explanation… Better to cut that. Too much background ways down a query.]

Egypt, 1350 BC. Fifteen-year-old Meret has grown up with a
combination of wealthy luxury and athletic discipline. Now her father has been
arrested, accused of treason, and sentenced to die. Determined to fight against
the loss of everything she holds dear, Meret follows the advice of a mysterious
young man in a dream. He promises she will find help at the abandoned mortuary
temple of the Pharaoh Queen Hatshepsut. She finds three girls, outcasts from
society, who claim to be The Guardians of Truth. Each brings a special skill.
But what can four young women do against soldiers, the priests of Amun-Re, and
the deadly enemy pulling strings from behind the scenes?

[Clichés in that last sentence fragment. Reword. Try to get
to the plot faster.]

Egypt, 1350 BC. Fifteen-year-old Meret was an acrobatic
temple dancer until her father’s politics got her kicked out. Now her father
has been arrested, accused of treason, and sentenced to die. To save her family
and her future, Meret must …

[Too confusing without understanding the politics. I also
need to include magic to show it’s paranormal. Other than the dream, nothing
indicates that so far.]

Getting There

Fifteen-year-old Meret is a temple dancer in ancient Egypt. Her
life is one of wealth and privilege, until her father is accused of treason and
sentenced to die. To save her family and her future, Meret must unravel the
plot against him. Guided by a vision, she searches the abandoned mortuary
temple of the dead Pharaoh-Queen Hatshepsut. The girls living there, outcasts
from society, claim to be The Guardians of Truth. Each brings a special skill:
Saroy is a warrior, Hattie is a seer, and Neith is a thief. But what can four
young women do against soldiers, the priests of Amun-Re, and a secret enemy who
wants to claim Meret as his concubine? Even the magic they gather – a Book of
Spells they cannot read, a love amulet of questionable strength, and a cat with
mystical powers – may not be enough to save Meret’s father.

The Guardians of Truth
is a 34,000-word paranormal novel, suitable for ages 12 and up. It is set in
the tumultuous days of ancient Egypt under the Pharaoh Akhenaten and Queen
Nefertiti, when politics and religion threaten to tear the country apart. This
novel stands alone, with the potential for sequels featuring the strong young
women who fight to make their world a better place as The Guardians of Truth.

[Okay, this has a lot of the main elements without a huge
word count. But it also includes a lot of names which could be confusing. At
this point I checked it on Facebook for feedback. Someone suggested bringing
the sentence about “what can four girls do” up to the top. Let’s see if it
works.]

Crowd Sourcing
Feedback

What can four young women do against soldiers, the priests
of Amun-Re, and the secret enemy trying to destroy an innocent man?

Fifteen-year-old Meret is a temple dancer in ancient Egypt.
Her life is one of wealth and privilege, until her father is accused of treason
and sentenced to die. To save her family and her future, Meret must unravel the
plot against him. Guided by a vision, she searches the abandoned mortuary
temple of the dead Pharaoh-Queen Hatshepsut. The girls living there, outcasts
from society, claim to be The Guardians of Truth. Each brings a special skill:
Saroy is a warrior, Hattie is a seer, and Neith is a thief. But even the magic
they gather – a Book of Spells they cannot read, a love amulet of questionable
strength, and a cat with mystical powers – may not be enough to save Meret’s
father and protect Meret from the man who wants to make her his concubine.

[Hmm. I'm wondering about that first sentence. When it was
later in the main paragraph, I had "and a secret enemy who wants to claim
Meret as his concubine" but that's too confusing when you don't yet know
who Meret is. What about "and a secret enemy who pretends to be a
friend" or "and a secret enemy with his own agenda"? Those seem
cliché. It's hard to be specific without the background. How about simply “What
can four young women do against soldiers, the priests of Amun-Re, and a secret
enemy?" Is that enough? Or too vague?]

[Author Molly Blaisdell AKA Cece Barlow wrote: I would do this: Fifteen-year-old
Meret is a temple dancer in ancient Egypt until her father is accused of
treason and sentenced to die. (you show us that she has a life of wealth and
privilege by her actions after her father is accused) Meret must unravel the
plot against him to save her family and future. (i'd flip the next line. You
say Guided by a vision, could you be more specific. A vision of what? A ghost?
A view of the future, a talking cat? I'm a little confused how following this
vision is going to help her father.]

[Now I'm getting back to how I had arranged it the first
time, but at least it's tighter.]

Fifteen-year-old Meret is an elite temple dancer in ancient
Egypt until her father is accused of treason and sentenced to die. Meret must
unravel the plot against him to save her family and her future. In a vision, a
strange man – or possibly a god – claims she will find help at the abandoned
mortuary temple of the dead Pharaoh-Queen Hatshepsut. There she joins the Guardians
of Truth: Saroy the warrior, Hattie the seer, and Neith the thief. But what can
four young women do against soldiers, the priests of Amun-Re, and a secret
enemy who wants to claim Meret as his concubine? Even the magic they gather – a
Book of Spells they cannot read, a love amulet of questionable strength, and a
cat with mystical powers – may not be enough to save Meret’s father and her
future.

Feedback from Alex
Lidell

I sent the query to my friend Alex Lidell, a young adult fantasy author,
who had this to say:

I found myself needed to re-read the first paragraph a few
times. Consider spiting it into two paragraphs and streamlining some of
the language? For example, this is really clear:

<Fifteen-year-old Meret is an elite temple dancer in ancient Egypt until her
father is accused of treason and sentenced to die. Meret must unravel the plot
against him to save her family and her future.>>

But then things start getting a bit dense. Do you need
all the names in here? Could this be simplified?

<<in a vision, a strange man – or possibly a god – claims she will find
help at the abandoned mortuary temple of the dead Pharaoh-Queen Hatshepsut. There
she joins the Guardians of Truth: Saroy the warrior, Hattie the seer, and Neith
the thief.

re <<But what can four young women do against
soldiers, the priests of Amun-Re, and a secret enemy who wants to claim Meret
as his concubine?>>

This is brand new info - so far Meret's problem is getting
dad out of jail. How do the priests figure in? Did THEY get dad into
prison? Consider streamlining the cause and effect a bit.

Final (Maybe) Version:

[Here's where I am now, trying to answer a few more
questions but not include too many details. And of course I need to name the
title and genre, and include my bio paragraph.]

Fifteen-year-old Meret, an elite temple dancer in ancient
Egypt, simply wants a secure and useful place in the world. Then her
father is accused of treason, imprisoned in the temple of Amun-Re, and
sentenced to die. Meret must unravel the plot against him to save her family
and regain the life she knows. A vision leads her to the abandoned mortuary
temple of the dead Pharaoh-Queen Hatshepsut. There she joins three young women calling
themselves the Guardians of Truth: a warrior, a seer, and a thief. But what can
they do against the priests of Amun-Re, the soldiers guarding her father, and more
enemies they do not even suspect? Even the magic they gather – a Book of Spells
they cannot read, a love amulet of questionable strength, and a cat with
mystical powers – may not be enough to save Meret’s father and her future.

The Guardians of Truth
is a 35,000-word paranormal novel for upper middle grade readers. It is set in
the tumultuous days of ancient Egypt under the Pharaoh Akhenaten and Queen
Nefertiti, when politics and religion threaten to tear the country apart.

I am the author of over 40 books for children, including
fiction and nonfiction, early reader through teen. My novels for ages nine and
up include The Well of Sacrifice (Clarion),
a Mayan drama used in many schools, and the Haunted series (Aladdin), three
books about kids who travel with a ghost hunter TV show. Learn more at www.chriseboch.com. I also write romantic
suspense novels for adults under the name Kris Bock.

Conclusions

I hope you'll have found your own lessons in this. My quick conclusions
would be:

1) Queries are hard. (No surprise there.)

2) Feedback can help but it can also contradict other
feedback. (AKA you can't please everyone.)

3) Keep trying to improve your query, but it will never be
"perfect, so at some point you have to hope that your concept will be
enough to grab an editor’s or agent’s attention. You are not selling the novel
based on your query anyway – the goal is to get some pages read.

Chris Eboch is the author of over 40 books for children,
including nonfiction and fiction, early reader through teen. Chris Eboch’s
novels for ages nine and up include The Well of Sacrifice, a Mayan adventure; The Genie’s Gift, a middle eastern fantasy; and the Haunted series,
about kids who travel with a ghost hunter TV show, which starts with The Ghost on the Stairs. Her writing
craft books include You Can Write for
Children: How to Write Great Stories, Articles, and Books for Kids and
Teenagers, and Advanced Plotting.

DISCLAIMER

The authors of Project Mayhem do their best to provide accurate, witty, and sometimes manic information pertaining to all things middle grade. Any resemblance to anybody else's manic, witty, and accurate information is purely serendipitous. However, the views and opinions expressed herein are solely those of the individual authors, and do not necessarily reflect those of the other writers on this blog. Except, we all agree that reading Project Mayhem will brighten your day. Drop by mic.