John W. James

Where were you when I needed you?

The saddest question we ever hear is, "Where were you when I needed you?"

That's what people ask when they find out what we do in helping grievers. We're presenting helpful and accurate information on this site, at the time you need it most, with the hope that you'll never need to ask that question.

It's an honor and a sad privilege to be addressing you, knowing that each of you has recently experienced the death of someone important to you. We also know some of you are reading this because of your care and concern for someone who is confronted by the death of someone important in their life.

We bring our personal experience in dealing with the deaths of people who were important to us, and our professional know-how in helping grievers for more than 30 years. We'll help you distinguish between the "raw grief" that is your normal and natural reaction to the death, and the equally normal "unresolved grief" that relates to the unfinished emotions that are part of the physical ending of all relationships.

A basic reality for most grieving people is difficulty concentrating or focusing. With that in mind, we asked Tributes.com to print our articles in a large type font to make them easier to read. Sharing our concern for grieving people, they agreed.

Ask The Grief Experts

Better to say, "At this moment, I don't have much energy," than "I'm depressed today." The latter turns a fleeting feeling into a 24 hour condition (Published 6-26-2012).

Q:

I’ve read "The Grief Recovery Handbook" and taken some of the actions it suggests. But that hasn’t change the fact that I still miss my son. Everyday is just another day without him. The loss always comes to me in waves, an ebb and flow.

A Grief Expert Replies:

Hi Valerie,

We noticed that you say you've taken SOME of the actions in The Grief Recovery Handbook.

That might be part of what keeps you stuck—assuming stuck is a fair word.

We’d recommend that you go back and take ALL of the actions—in sequence.

You have nothing to lose by doing that, and possibly something to gain.

We believe that missing someone is normal—and the intellectual and emotional fact is that it’s indeed sad that they are no longer physically here.

Part of the problem may be with the language you're using to define yourself and how you feel, as when you say: “Everyday is just another day without him.”

We encourage people to talk in much smaller bites,fore example: “At this moment, I miss my son very much.”

Another example: People often say, “I am depressed today.” We suggest an alternative, “At this moment, I don’t feel much energy.” There’s a big difference between the two phrases, and the second one is actually much more accurate, and doesn’t turn a momentary feeling into a full 24 hour condition.

We think you may realize the fleetingness of emotions because you mentioned that sense of “waves, an ebb and flow.” Now you can apply better language to what you experience and have less pain. It may seem petty, but we’ve watched those language shifts create emotional freedom for people—without distorting truth or reality.