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Wednesday, December 16, 2009

My therapist suggested I write letters to the people, places and things that upset me recently. Your not suppose to mail them but it seems a shame just to throw them away.

Dear people booking a comic for your annual corporate event,Thanks for booking me. Seriously. These can be fun shows that exceed every ones expectations. To insure that your gig goes great, please follow the advice of the comic who has been at this for almost two decades. When I say, don't have the crowd of 300 people in a hotel ballroom just sitting down to be served dry chicken and fish as I am about to perform, that means don't have the crowd just siting down to a meal of dry chicken and fish at the same time you introduce me.Oh, and as I said in the e-mails, comedy works best with intimacy. A large ballroom is fine, but having people sit around the edges of the dance floor, one hundred feet away, and expecting them to pay attention to the guy on the unlit stage as they get served their dry chicken and fish doesn't help. Neither did a shitty sound system that couldn't reach the back of the room.I think that was mentioned in the e-mails too, but its was a delightful three hour drive in the rain only to see that none of the agreed upon instructions were followed.P.S.Let me get this straight, you write the student loans for people all over American and don't see anything just a little unsettling that you have a casino night at your convention? Good to see all that money people are struggling to repay for job's that no longer exist is being gambled away by people who can't follow simple directions.

Dear lawyers at that other gig,What a surprise that self-satisfied, self important manicured card board cutouts from a Banana Republic catalogue wouldn't laugh that hard. Thanks you for keeping me waiting an hour and a half and thank you for having the meal served just as I am about to perform. It was so very original to hear the guy with a smile like a hatchet eating his chicken like a date rapist say, "tough crowd."Tough? No.People with a sense of superiority don't like to laugh. Not because it is a sign of weakness, but because they hate to feel like they have no control.Laughter is involuntary.Thanks for living up to almost every stereotype about lawyers.Thank you Dude in the front for not even turning around during the whole performance but still saying ridiculous shit under your breath as you looked across the room at a poster of yourself waving good-bye. How weird was that?Thank you head partner in the company doing everything to look above it all. The jeans with a blazer is a nice touch if you were a comic in the 80's. It says, I am so rich that conventional professional dress codes no longer apply to me. But thanks for the check. How many people can say they annoyed a room full of attorneys for half an hour and got money out of them?I won.

Dear Ambien,What the hell is in your shit? I took one and woke up the next morning feeling more worn out than if I had just not slept. I think I know why. It's because I lead another life in the hours I was suppose to be asleep. I went on line, called people and generally made an ass of myself as I sleep blogged.It would of been cool if I had started something like a fight club, but instead I wrote about candy as I instant messaged people.The warning label on Ambien should say, Don't take with Internet!Jesus Christ, the whole reason I quit drinking was so I wouldn't wake up feeling like shit and not remember the crazy shit I did the night before!

Dear Apple,I like your products and yes, there is definitely a sense of being hip when I sit in a cafe and shoot a condescending look at the P.C. user struggling with some Microsoft problem.Brilliant marketing.What you lack in bugs you make up for with trying too hard to be unique. Your like the kid who dyes his hair purple and cuts his arms even though you live in the suburbs and your greatest problem is deciding what bumper sticker to post under a stop sign in the neighborhood.USB, Fierwire connections, different cables, downloading drivers and 'latency' issues all have to be overcome if you want to record your guitar on Garageband. I guess I thought it would be easy because in every official Apple manual I could find all it says is, just plug your guitar into the computer! Even the video tutorial says it but oddly enough doesn't show it. There isn't the slightest mention of Audio Interfaces ANYWHERE other than the blogs and chat rooms dedicated to the millions of other people who had to find out the hard way that you can't just plug your guitar into your shinny new Apple and expect it to do what the side of the box, computer, website, salesperson and manuals all say you can do! Five hundred dollars later and now I can plug it in and you know what?It sounds amazing, ass-holes!

Dear comments posted and e-mails sent to me concerning my last post where race was mentioned once,Thank you for pointing out that I am now a racist, wrong or mislead when I said I don't agree that all white people, by virtue of being white, have it easier. I guess I will become like Joe the Plumber, a Klan member or the typical cartoon image of the angry white guy for pointing out what is a huge simplification with punch lines. You know, like comics do. I didn't realize this was the first step in becoming a racist but it must be true because you say it is.Thanks for telling me what I can and cannot say and then explaining how you're still different from those evil conservatives who censor people. Of course your all correct and I was wrong. Next time I will check with you to see how I feel. Again, I apologize for taking issue with a gross generalization and pointing it out in a humours way.

Dear Democrats,I know the Republicans have no heart, but do you guys have any balls? Let me see if I understand this right. The health care reform you have been arguing over for a year would make the purchase of health insurance from the same companies that have fucked everyone over mandatory? How is that reform? OK, sure. You say the Bill would make it illegal for them to drop people but the same bill would also let the insurance companies charge elderly people up to five times more. How is this reform and not some give away to the insurance companies? You're going to take tax money and pay the insurance companies to cover people who can't afford to buy it from those same companies and if people don't purchase health care insurance they will be fined?Are you guys out of your fucking heads?You guys already get health insurance paid for by tax dollars. Can't we at least have the same thing as our representatives?