Understanding the Highly Sensitive Person

After reading Sense and Sensitivity in the July/August Psychology Today, an article about highly sensitive people (HSPs), Ron wrote, "I quickly identified with being highly sensitive. I won't bother covering ... why... let's just say reading the article was enough to make me cry. When I read that one in five HSPs were actually extraverts and that their exhaustion from social interaction often inaccurately labeled them as introverts ... I froze. I'm not a social introvert, I'm a sensitive extravert! The realization opened up a whole world of answers to questions I've had that were never answered by always approaching my personality from the perspective of being an introvert."

If you read some descriptions of introversion, they can sound very much like high sensitivity: Both introverts and HSPs reflect deeply, like meaningful conversations, and need lots of down time. Thus it is not surprising that 70% of HSPs are introverts. But that means 30% are extraverts—why is that? Clearing up the introversion-sensitivity distinction is something I am trying to do all the time, because people like Ron are left out and confused when we equate these two terms.

Why the confusion? Most people equate introversion and extraversion with sociability—that is, to what extent you have a large circle of friends and can enjoy meeting strangers and socializing in large groups. This has little to do with high sensitivity, in that high sensitivity lies deeper. It is an innate trait. Degree of sociability or extraversion (in this sense) is highly heritable, but sociability is not itself the trait that is inherited. Wearing skirts is highly heritable, too, but there is no gene for it. It's highly heritable because gender is, and most skirts are worn by women. Likewise, low sociability is strongly associated with sensitivity because many HSPs become introverted to avoid the overstimulation that can go with social interactions, especially if they fear social judgment due to past bad experiences. But there is considerable research to show that sensitivity is the more basic trait.

Some sensitive people, however, adopt a different strategy early on. For them, being around people is not so arousing, and sometimes even soothing, although ultimately every sensitive person who is an extravert still needs some down time. From my interviews, I found that sensitive extraverts often grew up in a small community or neighborhood where people knew each other. One I know was the daughter of a minister; another was raised on a commune. Many had good childhoods and were secure within their families, making them more secure socially.

When I say that introversion and extraversion (degree of sociability) are not in themselves innate, I will be stepping on some toes. The fact is that our names for traits have been determined up to now by our descriptions of how people act and probably always will be. "He's so sociable" or "quick tempered." "She's so funny" or "very shy." Now we are just beginning to find out more about the genes behind the behaviors we observe. The genetic variations behind extraversion probably do not govern social behavior so much as the general tendency to seek new stimulation in search of rewarding experiences, people being one of the best sources of rewards. Hence this trait is often called high sensation seeking. High sensation seeking and high sensitivity are a new generation of trait terms, based less on observable behaviors and more on evolution and genetics.

Back to extraverted HSPs: You can inherit the genetic variations that lead both to being highly sensitive and a high sensation seeker, so this may be another way, besides being raised to be social, that you can be both highly sensitive and extraverted, but it may be more accurate in this case to call it highly sensitive and high sensation seeking. This combo, as one person put it, "is like driving with one foot on the gas, the other on the brake."

Being extraverted or a high sensation seeker and being highly sensitive is a great blend to be. You can be a natural leader, once you learn how to express yourself to non-HSPs, who can find your insights amazing, but also strange or difficult to accept. For example, when you see injustices or hurtful behaviors, like all HSPs, your strong emotional reactions kick in. But you are more likely than other HSPs to find yourself standing on a soap box trying to get others to understand the consequences of their harmful behavior. Then maybe someone says you are overreacting or being an oddball. You may retreat, feeling embarrassed, angry, or just overexposed. Similarly, HSPs are often able to see problems in others' plans. If they stay quiet they often see things turn out badly, but if they speak up they are seen as pessimists, naysayers, or too critical. You, the extraverted HSP, are likely to speak up.

With practice, however, all HSPs can learn to use their sensitivity to know just what to say, with just the right finesse to ensure that their voice and perceptions will be heard. We can have an enormously good impact on causes we deem worthy of our time and energy. But remember, we all still need extra down time: I recommend eight hours of sleep or at least in bed, per day, and another two hours of additional down time, preferably meditating, but walking in nature alone or doing routine tasks quietly, while letting your mind rest or wander, are also good. You can take down time even stuck in traffic if you turn off your audio inputs for once! The point is, in particular if you are a sensitive extravert, you need to pay special attention to taking care of yourself because life is so rich and exciting. You are a special breed.

But.. Idk sometimes I'm not sensitive at all. But I am always sensitive to how others are feeling so I have no idea. I do know that I'm naturally super extroverted and always want to talk to everyone.
But at the same time I'll feel for people intensely and feel bad about things easily.

Maybe I'm just a not necessarily "high sensitive", but just sensitive extrovert.

I also enjoy social interaction, and find it completely emotionally exhausting. After a busy day, I'll sometimes need a day in bed to recover. I feel so selfish when I spend time alone, but it's the only way I can recharge.
I also surprise myself by how "non-sensitive" I can be sometimes, hopefully I'm just being selective about where I channel my energy.
ecstasy, you could still be highly sensitive. Sometimes you say you're not sensitive, but perhaps you're smart enough to save your sensitivity for things that truly matter to you.

Oh my goodness - hamishsmum, I could've written exactly what you wrote, but about myself. It's an exact description of me!

Firstly, I am an extroverted HSP and there is an element of guilt when I need time to recharge (never from family and friends thankfully, I'm so blessed in that part of my life, but sometimes I feel it in my professional life). I also like social interactions but find them a little overwhelming. I like to space out my calendar a little bit, professionally and socially, for that exact reason.

Secondly, I am also shocked at how "non-sensitive" I can be - maybe I am channeling that sensitivity toward the people/things that matter to me as you said?

I also enjoy social interaction, and find it completely emotionally exhausting. After a busy day, I'll sometimes need a day in bed to recover. I feel so selfish when I spend time alone, but it's the only way I can recharge.
I also surprise myself by how "non-sensitive" I can be sometimes, hopefully I'm just being selective about where I channel my energy.
ecstasy, you could still be highly sensitive. Sometimes you say you're not sensitive, but perhaps you're smart enough to save your sensitivity for things that truly matter to you.

Oh my goodness - hamishsmum, I could've written exactly what you wrote, but about myself. It's an exact description of me!

Firstly, I am an extroverted HSP and there is an element of guilt when I need time to recharge (never from family and friends thankfully, I'm so blessed in that part of my life, but sometimes I feel it in my professional life). I also like social interactions but find them a little overwhelming. I like to space out my calendar a little bit, professionally and socially, for that exact reason.

Secondly, I am also shocked at how "non-sensitive" I can be - maybe I am channeling that sensitivity toward the people/things that matter to me as you said?

but, yeah... I solved my socializing problem by creating a meetup group with the purpose of getting together to go to lectures, museums, and other "nerdy" events.
http://www.meetup.com/NerdFunBoston

I personally host one or two events per month, more than that wears me out... BUT, it turns out 3000+ other people joined, and it has become a fantastic community of really great people. I can't even explain how awesome everyone I've met has been. And now there's a couple circles of friends and even closer relationships that have formed from the group, which I am proud to have taken a part in helping to connect these people.

Thanks for your book, Ms Elaine, it really helped me learn how I was different and how other people got along in the world.

When I read Dr. Aron's book, The Highly Sensitive Person, I made all kinds of notations in the margins and underlined words and phrases because I was, for the most part, reading about myself. It was, to put it simply, freaky. I am highly sensitive, there's no doubt about it. However, I've always felt just a little off about certain topics and collective thoughts of "If you're an HSP, you understand..." Most of the time, I do relate to whatever the end of that phrase is, but sometimes I don't.

This article explains why.

During my high school years, I actively practiced being a leader. At one point I was leading 234 of my peers and (often) their parents. I never had any problem being the one in charge, but I definitely needed down time afterward. I beat out one of my friends for that leadership position and she was bitter and resentful for quite some time (years, actually). Most people were surprised that I got it over her because she was louder and more extroverted, whereas I employed quiet leadership. Incidentally, my year in charge was the year we won at state competition for the first time in the school's history. Yes, I'm bragging, but it wasn't just me that did it. It was the whole group.

After that, I pretty much took all of my college and grad school years as a break from active leadership. I would only step up if I was in a group that was all followers and couldn't move forward. I don't need to be in charge and, quite frankly, I don't want to be in charge most of the time. It's stressful and I need longer to recuperate.

I appreciate Dr. Aron's inclusion of this article in her work. I am continually learning more about myself.

When I read Dr. Aron's book, The Highly Sensitive Person, I made all kinds of notations in the margins and underlined words and phrases because I was, for the most part, reading about myself. It was, to put it simply, freaky. I am highly sensitive, there's no doubt about it. However, I've always felt just a little off about certain topics and collective thoughts of "If you're an HSP, you understand..." Most of the time, I do relate to whatever the end of that phrase is, but sometimes I don't.

This article explains why.

During my high school years, I actively practiced being a leader. At one point I was leading 234 of my peers and (often) their parents. I never had any problem being the one in charge, but I definitely needed down time afterward. I beat out one of my friends for that leadership position and she was bitter and resentful for quite some time (years, actually). Most people were surprised that I got it over her because she was louder and more extroverted, whereas I employed quiet leadership. Incidentally, my year in charge was the year we won at state competition for the first time in the school's history. Yes, I'm bragging, but it wasn't just me that did it. It was the whole group.

After that, I pretty much took all of my college and grad school years as a break from active leadership. I would only step up if I was in a group that was all followers and couldn't move forward. I don't need to be in charge and, quite frankly, I don't want to be in charge most of the time. It's stressful and I need longer to recuperate.

I appreciate Dr. Aron's inclusion of this article in her work. I am continually learning more about myself.

When I read Dr. Aron's book, The Highly Sensitive Person, I made all kinds of notations in the margins and underlined words and phrases because I was, for the most part, reading about myself. It was, to put it simply, freaky. I am highly sensitive, there's no doubt about it. However, I've always felt just a little off about certain topics and collective thoughts of "If you're an HSP, you understand..." Most of the time, I do relate to whatever the end of that phrase is, but sometimes I don't.

This article explains why.

During my high school years, I actively practiced being a leader. At one point I was leading 234 of my peers and (often) their parents. I never had any problem being the one in charge, but I definitely needed down time afterward. I beat out one of my friends for that leadership position and she was bitter and resentful for quite some time (years, actually). Most people were surprised that I got it over her because she was louder and more extroverted, whereas I employed quiet leadership. Incidentally, my year in charge was the year we won at state competition for the first time in the school's history. Yes, I'm bragging, but it wasn't just me that did it. It was the whole group.

After that, I pretty much took all of my college and grad school years as a break from active leadership. I would only step up if I was in a group that was all followers and couldn't move forward. I don't need to be in charge and, quite frankly, I don't want to be in charge most of the time. It's stressful and I need longer to recuperate.

I appreciate Dr. Aron's inclusion of this article in her work. I am continually learning more about myself.

Thank you for this article. I always "test" as just below the line as slightly introverted. But when I'm with people I can "turn it on" and when I mentioned being introverted no one every believes me, they see me as extremely extroverted. Always has puzzled me. But like the other posters here, that interaction takes a toll and I retreat into much needed quiet.

I have found some help, actually a lot of help in dealing with the over sensitivity of being an empath. I did an Empath Empowerment workshop with Rose from www.roserosetree.com, her books and CDs on the subject are fabulous and really help one gain new skills and learn to actually see my empathy as a gift instead of a curse.

The most impactful thing was finding a pendant that strengthened my energy field and helped to deflect a lot of the incoming energy from others, allowing me to be more selective in what I was feeling deeply. http://www.bioelectricshield.com/carolyn-nau-an-empaths-story.html

I've been on a mission since 1994 to help people understand that they may be HSPs (even before I had a term for it) and can't tell you how many have burst into tears on hearing that they aren't defective or weak as previously thought by their friends and family. Elaine's work is exceptional in bringing new light to what can be a confusing and even debilitating issue for many.

I'm on my way to the bookstore to find the magazine and read the entire article. This definitely puts things into perspective for me about how I can be both an introvert And and extrovert. Always great information, thanks Elaine.

I have been around for more than 5 decades and I still cannot master clearly communicating with non-HSPs. My mind sees and interprets information so differently that I have found that most people aren't close to thinking about what I am pondering. I would appreciate anyone's story about what works for them.

My suggestion is giving up on trying to get them to understand things as you do, 'cuz they never will. I tend to feel bad for non-HSP people, they're missing out on so much subtlety. Don't beat yourself up for not being understood, just speak simply and be happy when they get even a little bit of what you're saying.

I have been around for more than 5 decades and I still cannot master clearly communicating with non-HSPs. My mind sees and interprets information so differently that I have found that most people aren't close to thinking about what I am pondering. I would appreciate anyone's story about what works for them.

Hello,
First, I'd like to thank Dr. Aron. I'm one of those people who burst into tears upon reading about this because I've been shamed for it for so long. I'm also a serious hss, and very into high-adventure sports like rock-climbing, mountaineering etc. so identifying as both really helps understand these seemingly contradictory notions.
Anonymous, I think rather than give up on other people we have to realize that it might be beyond their ability to understand us (or anyone else for that matter) to the deep level that we understand them. I've been married to someone on the low end of the Asperger Spectrum for almost twenty years and it has been at times incredibly lonely. But I have come to realize that most people aren't really that interested in other people to begin with. I am just as fascinated by other people's point of view as I am with my own, probably more so because being too self-focused as an hsp can often lead to despair, especially if we have childhood trauma. I won't give up on trying to understand other people but I might give up on wanting them to understand me. Beginning to understand myself and let go of self-loathing and isolation is a big step.

Just read your comment. I appreciate your honesty and resonate with your challenge. It seems to get more difficult as I more fully realize how unique I am. As for what works, I have been challenged with the thought that as I more fully accept myself and this unique trait I will be better able to "show up" with others. It looks like a long road. Right now I'm trying small steps by relating non-edited with a couple "trusted" individuals. They seem to love me and stay with me so hey, it's a start. We're in this together. L

I feel that, no, one can never get 'non HSPs' to actually understand what one's feeling. To me that's 'flogging a dead horse'.

It's probably asking too much to expect a different sort of person to understand something they've never experienced themselves.

But - these 'non HSP'/different types should learn how to ACCEPT that there are different types of people, all feeling differently to things. I feel too many of these non HSP types - because they can't understand - just won't accept, and so can tend to deride or disregard those more introverted or sensitive or slower types.

One should be able to just not like or want to do something without having to give a reason or an excuse.

And the non HSP must just 'deal with it' 'get over themselves'. ACCEPT this.

I found the full text of the PT article online via my public library. Many libraries subscribe to Psychology Today (either hard copy and/or online access). Check with the reference librarian if you are not familiar with how this works.
As soon as I received Elaine Aron's email announcing the article (HSPs should sign up for her newsletter at hsperson.com if you haven't already!), I went to my library's website and found the full article (via the EBSCO Academic database) within minutes. All I needed to get access was the number from my library card.

I recently took on a leadership role in a non-profit organization. I love what the organization offers and have a great deal of information and experience to share with the membership. I also learn a great deal, but the struggles of running a board and the many personalities involved exhausts me. This week I made the decision that it might be best for me to step away from the board and offer help as a member...then I read this article. I pulled 'The Highly Sensitive Person' from the bookshelf to reread and see if there is a healthy way to solve my dilemma. Thank you for your always insightful guidance.

I wonder how a Myers-Briggs personality analysis would overlap with HSP qualities; for example, I am a highly-sensitive introvert and empath who tests as an INFJ, meaning abstract, friendly & scheduled, in addition to introverted. My husband, highly-sensitive and moderately extroverted, tests as a more concrete temperament, I/E SFP, and his sensation-seeking makes sense in that he is a more sensory and less abstract person. For example, I will lose myself in books, while he prefers to be outside, "doing" as opposed to reading, making things, building, gardening.

I agree with Dr. Aron that the genetic mix gets very interesting. Our first child seemed to me an almost impossible mix of extraordinary sensitivity (complaining when bottled water tasted of plastic, unable to stand a trip to Costco, irritated by electricity and fluorescent lights) and sensation-seeking and high energy. In some ways, my empathy made me an ideal mother, as I could advocate for her, but in other ways, I felt myself become like a continually-drained battery, and it was necessary for my husband to step in and do the more physically-active stuff with her.

I will never forget taking her to a playground at 9 mos. old; another 9-month-old was bundled up and sleeping away in a stroller, and our kid was almost naked by comparison, in a T-shirt and shorts. "Not much for this age to do here," the other parent said, but our kid proceeded to slide down steep slides, swing, climb all over stuff and, because she was walking, tear around the playground. She slept very little, didn't nap, and basically--what hasn't killed me has made me stronger.

What I want to express is that the unusual bundling of traits has made her an almost impossible paradox for teachers and school administrators, friends & neighbors, and grandparents to understand. I've taken a lot of heat from the Principal who considers me an overprotective mom, which I'm not, because it becomes necessary to protect this exuberant, high-energy kid from overstimulation. Many people mistake signs, especially with little ones, and don't understand that hyperactivity may be a sign of overstimulation and the need to calm things way down.

My husband suffered a lot as a baby and toddler because, being extraordinarily sensitive, it was hard for him to sleep or nap; I was willing to hold my kid, to turn off the phone, to make quiet a priority, but my husband's mom took his high-energy at face value and dragged him from errand to errand, hoping to "tire him out," while he just became increasingly hyper. Because she could not understand his bundling of paradoxical traits, she labeled him "difficult," and that label has stuck well into mid-life, affecting his self-esteem. I think it's crucial to teach folks with this coupling of traits how to self-manage, self-soothe, etc., so that as adults they don't rely on television and alcohol to "bring themselves down."

Your husband & child are lucky to have your understanding and practical adjustments. At 50 am still learning how to manage being HSP (highly sensitive person) & HSS (high sensation seeker) Dr. Aron's books have been SO helpful. Still a struggle to balance my hunger for new & different experiences with the exhaustion that follows when I over do.

My son and I are both HSP. It's not an easy journey as he wears me out daily. He has so much energy but he's so highly sensitive at the same time. I am highly sensitive but have never in my life had the energy he has. He is sensitive to so many things...water taste, clothing texture and snugness/looseness, and many others. Down time has always been something I need but with him I have to create downtown because he will just keep going and then not feel well and the sensitivity becomes worse.

I am a 60 yo HSP w/Fibromyalgia; have a grown son who is an HSP as well as a young grand-daughter. By reading your writings, I have grown to further understand that we are not alone in our interactions with the world. And...will help me support my grand-daughter and her dad. I do send on all of your e-mails and articles.

As with many of you, I have always been highly sensitive - crying when I was much younger at what I perceived as vulgarity of public performances (as an affront to my senses) and being very moved by music and so on. I find that most socializing is exhausting - & the same is true for networking - The internet has really saved my career as a performer, because I can look for work online! And my sensitivity is a great asset as an artist, after I devised a method not to be spooked by auditioning in strange places. I now have what I call a "Glenda the Good Witch" bubble, which I bring in with me & in which I am perfectly safe from all negativity and judgment - (I think the training I had in assertiveness helped here.)But I don't have trouble hanging around and working with other artistic professionals - perhaps it because of the sense of belonging & common purpose. In fact, I look forward to that sociability as part of the positive aspects of the whole process.

When I was younger, as a teen and young adult, I used to do daredevil things such as jump 20 feet in the air on my motorcycle dirt bike.
I also used to like to play electric guitar very ---very---loud.

But I am a highly sensitive person, in fact so sensitive that I can barely function.

My life is a mess, relationships, career and so on and so forth, everything is a mess because I am too sensitive.

I can not stand anything; scents, noise, et cetera...

Everything makes me sick, causes me headaches or nausea or some other ailment...

I quit many jobs because I had to perform while being watched by peers...

I can not stand anyone so I live like a recluse but then I get lonely...

You are not defective. It sounds like your emotions have completely overwhelmed your physical body to the point that it can't cope anymore. Perhaps if you deal with your emotions, then your body will heal and you won't have the nausea, headaches, etc. (The same thing happened to me with back pain, bizarre new allergies, stomach upset, hormonal imbalance... the list goes on.)

The absolute best tool I found is called EFT. Rue Hass is the EFT Master who's specialised in being highly sensitive (http://www.intuitivementoring.com/), and she wrote a manual for using EFT if you're highly sensitive (http://www.amazon.ca/EFT-Highly-Sensitive-Temperament-Hass/dp/1604150467/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1311369734&sr=8-1). EFT basically helped me to deal with all the emotional trauma I'd been carrying around - my physical body has gotten so much better, plus I'm more centred and better able to handle overstimulation. I hope it can help you too.

Imagine how your life would feel if you were reflecting rather than absorbing. I was getting more and more sensitive, and having more and more problems as I became more wired and there were computers all around me. Honestly, the EMF bombardment is helping to erode the stamina and auric strength for many sensitives.
But even without that I found that as I got older, I got more sensitive and was retreating more and more. Then I found what seemed like almost a miracle...a pendant that honestly strengthened my field and helped tremendously in deflecting and neutralizing a good deal of the incoming energy from people, EMF, even places. It was like a breath of fresh air. I was so impressed, I actually went to work for the company, I wanted to help other people. Since then I've talked to thousands of sensitives who's lives have changed for the better. I've even had some call me crying they were so relieved when they put it on. The company will even do a Free photo evaluation and give you feedback on which style is best for you and how much you can expect it to help you. If the standard Shields don't do it, you can have one custom designed specifically for your energy field. Check out the free photo consultation http://bit.ly/ooYtpk
I'm not trying to sell you, I don't get a commission. I just know how much help it can be. I can't tell you how many times I've been told "I got my life back". Check out some of the stories in the testimonials section and know that's just a tiny sampling. Don't give up on yourself.

At 53 yrs. old, I find myself in exactly the same position as yourself.

I have in fact been fired from several jobs working in studios as I find I have little interest in participating with colleagues, although am extremely hard-working and fully absorbed in the job....almost to the point of appearing autistic.
I try to 'mingle', but the sheer 'fakery' of it exhausts me (way more than the work!), and also leaves me depressed doing it.

Unlike you, I don't really get lonely - I now work from home (I'm an artist), but share with you that hypersensitivity towards noise, bad smells (perfume incl.) and loud characters who 'small-talk'.

Relationships:
Again, I TRY; trouble is, despite talking about and showing interst in the other person, I just get bored after a while, even if they're wildly entertaining or eccentric ;)

I happen to have a young son, who at six, seems very much to have inherited this same gene (on the introverted attention-seeker side) as mine.
Naturally, I watch out for him quite guardedly...

Unlike you, I don't really get lonely - I now work from home (I'm an artist), but share with you that hypersensitivity towards noise, bad smells (perfume incl.) and loud characters who 'small-talk'.

I noted that you mentioned perfumes as one of your 'bad smells' hypersensitivities. My freind has exactly that and feels he is the ONLY person that feels this. He also HATES any sort of fragranced cleaning product and things like air-wicks, scented candles etc.

With me it's selective-sound sensitivity - I feel my own sound-sensitivies seem pretty bizarre as I've NEVER yet come across anyone else with these. (In short: any sort of impact-type sound heedlessly and unnecessarily caused by people's movements is like a physical violation to me!)

I'm not socially lonely (in that I'm happy with my own company) but I do feel what I call 'pyschologically lonely' in seeming to have a sensitivity/triggers that nobody else has.

At 53 yrs. old, I find myself in exactly the same position as yourself.

I have in fact been fired from several jobs working in studios as I find I have little interest in participating with colleagues, although am extremely hard-working and fully absorbed in the job....almost to the point of appearing autistic.
I try to 'mingle', but the sheer 'fakery' of it exhausts me (way more than the work!), and also leaves me depressed doing it.

Unlike you, I don't really get lonely - I now work from home (I'm an artist), but share with you that hypersensitivity towards noise, bad smells (perfume incl.) and loud characters who 'small-talk'.

Relationships:
Again, I TRY; trouble is, despite talking about and showing interst in the other person, I just get bored after a while, even if they're wildly entertaining or eccentric ;)

I happen to have a young son, who at six, seems very much to have inherited this same gene (on the introverted attention-seeker side) as mine.
Naturally, I watch out for him quite guardedly...

At 53 yrs. old, I find myself in exactly the same position as yourself.

I have in fact been fired from several jobs working in studios as I find I have little interest in participating with colleagues, although am extremely hard-working and fully absorbed in the job....almost to the point of appearing autistic.
I try to 'mingle', but the sheer 'fakery' of it exhausts me (way more than the work!), and also leaves me depressed doing it.

Unlike you, I don't really get lonely - I now work from home (I'm an artist), but share with you that hypersensitivity towards noise, bad smells (perfume incl.) and loud characters who 'small-talk'.

Relationships:
Again, I TRY; trouble is, despite talking about and showing interst in the other person, I just get bored after a while, even if they're wildly entertaining or eccentric ;)

I happen to have a young son, who at six, seems very much to have inherited this same gene (on the introverted attention-seeker side) as mine.
Naturally, I watch out for him quite guardedly...

Well I'm 51 and highly sensitive and my depression has cycled back around so right now I just wish we all lived on an island without the other 80%. I'm tired of feeling like an outsider on my own planet. This world wants the benefits of the subtle nuances we sense but it doesn't want to be quiet and still long enough for us to feel free to (Truly) express.

Regarding Elaine's extroverted/introverted dialogue, which I now can't see to reference, what you have here is someone who went through so much counseling and self work that I forced myself out of my shell and can actually rise to the occasion and be, for example, purposefully publically hysterical. The problem is, then I go home and have serious anxiety later. Did I over do it? Was so and so offended? Was it unprofessional? Good lord just shoot me.

Even when I skillfully look like one of the horses I am a Zebra.

So...about that Island....

PS don't worry I'm back in counseling.

PSS Chris my son also inherited the Gene and I've been holding my breath all his life.

Hi,
I am 59 and can relate to your horse/zebra feeling.
Every time I am in a social situation I feel uncomfortable. One to one has been the most comfortable mode of interaction for me.
As I continue to age and since my retirement I see people less and less. It feels much better. I do not even like travel.

I find my peace in nature and with my husband and children.
The biggest problem for me is how deeply all emotions hit me. I have to check in with my husband to find reality. My reality can be distorted because of the depth of emotion I experience. And yet I am gifted in my ability to feel nuances.

It is interesting to me that I have chosen friends who will listen to me but they are not HSPs. My husband is deeply empathetic but not an HSP. My friends and family are my rocks. It makes me wonder if 2 HSPs work well together?

Thank you to all of you who have replied/commented on this almost one year old thread.

I can not find my original comment on this thread?...

Maybe I am wrong, maybe this is SILLY, maybe some of you will think I am paranoid ...but...
could it be that this commenting " system " was designed on purpose to be not too user friendly in an attempt to limit the number of comments/commenters?

I find it a bit confusing...where is my original comment?...

Having said that I think Elaine Aron is a saint!
ok maybe not a saint but reading her first book was so soothing to me, it is hard to explain!

And I must say that right now things are looking ( temporarily )a bit better for me; of course it is a roller coaster ride ( being plagued with CFS on top of being a HSP ) and I know I will eventually feel down again, but all we have to do is be patient and we will have better days.

I am also learning - very slowly - to deal with my hyper sensitivity as I am getting older...

Of course I will always be "over" sensitive but I will be able to deal with it a little better every year. ( or will become better at avoiding bad situations )

Maybe I am wrong, maybe this is SILLY, maybe some of you will think I am paranoid ...but...
could it be that this commenting " system " was designed on purpose to be not too user friendly in an attempt to limit the number of comments/commenters?

I find it a bit confusing...where is my original comment?..."

Yes, I too am finding this Forum set-up frustrating and confusing - as you say, like an attempt to limit the numbers, etc. Ha ha, some ploy of 'Psychology Today' to further confuse us? Test us out?

Can't understand why as one's only wanting to commiserate-with and empathize with others in the same (rocky) boat as oneself.

MOre likely whoever 'designes' the systems of these forums just doesn't want to be bothered with too much thinking - so that things like adding Comments just aren't thought-out. More a lack than intentional sabotage, I guess.... but whichever, it's still ANNOYING.

I found your original post in about 10 seconds. How? I click on "first" and then did a control "f" and in the box that came up at bottom of screen typed canadian and hit return. That took me to any references to canadian on that page. It's so much easier than scrolling page by page. If it hadn't been on the page I would have click next and then hit return in my find box again and so on. Hope that helps.

I think the system was designed more for comments than to become an actual forum, which this has.

As far as Elaine's book being soothing, it's such a relief to finally get validation that you aren't crazy. I loved Elaine's article "Are you Crazy or Are You A Highly Sensitive Person" so much that I reposted it on my company's website with some additional information and it's received nearly 7,000 hits over two years. http://www.bioelectricshield.com/Highly-Sensitive-People/are-you-crazy-or-are-you-a-highly-sensitive-person.html The only post that has gotten more hits is about the impact of fear on your life. I've rewritten that article slightly to highlight some of the special challenges for HSP's. http://www.bioelectricshield.com/Highly-Sensitive-People/fear-and-bioelectric-shield.html

Many of us have spent years trying to be understood by those around us, but the truth is, if someone isn't sensitive trying to explain to them how we feel is like trying to describe snow to a nomad in the desert...there's just no comparison.

I've been very touched by your struggles and those of so many who have posted on this article. Thanks for sharing, as we share our stories we see even more clearly that we aren't alone.
AnnaMariah

Your posts today have made me feel so connected that I have to respond.

I too am a highly sensitive person with the experience you describe in cardiovascular and thoracic surgery. While I cry when I accidentally step on a frog, I found myself suctioning chest cavities and dealing with death with the neutrality that a medical person develops.

Everything you said about yourself in your post rang familiar with me.

The FIRST time I read Elaine’s book, The Highly Sensitive Person, I felt like I had found home. There were tears of joy and moments of just breathing into understanding myself better and appreciating my sensitivity and knowing there were other people out there also.

I am a 51 year old recently divorced physician assistant. Now I work in cardiology, however my first job out of PA school at the University of Florida was working as a first assist for a group of tough cardiovascular and thoracic surgeons. It was a very tough first medical job, so tough that it conjured up old hurts from my childhood that made it even worse. I had to dig deep and re-heal the old wounds and the new.

Part of the healing process was to write a novel disguised as fiction that fully portrays trying to survive as a sensitive among insensitives and culminates in an epiphany at the end. Much of the story takes place in the OR (otherwise called ‘the heart room’). There are many stories weaved in to one, including a mystical mama alligator who takes care of her little baby alligator. There are ethereal characters and one ghost who play prominent roles. It took me about ten years to write the novel and a year or so to edit and publish it. When I finished there were tears of joy at having completed the expression thoroughly while providing uplifting relief to anyone with similar experiences.

I knew after I wrote it that it was a novel for highly sensitive persons more than others, but I really just had no idea how to market it without exposing my emotional heart to insensitive individuals. I tried to write Elaine in 2010 and 2011 but got no response. I had hoped to be able to pay for advertising on her website. Since publishing it I can say that the people who can’t stop talking about the book are mostly the highly sensitives but also teachers, psychiatrists and parents of sensitive children. Nurses and other medical persons like it because of the way it comically and brutally portrays at least one of the arrogant doctors and shines a light on the true heroes, one being a sensitive scrub tech, another an awesome ICU nurse etc. Don’t worry, in the end one of the gruff doctors is one of the heroes too. One of the teachers who read it said it should be required reading for all elementary school teachers because it addresses bullying so well. Some of the insensitives who read it can’t relate and I am neurotic enough to let that bother me… Some religious persons did not like the way it discards organized religion, especially theirs.

Right now I have paused on promoting the book, having not landed on a perfect way to get to my target audience. It was reward enough to have written it. It does not have to be a commercial success.

However I WOULD LIKE TO SEND A COPY TO YOU FOR FREE, because I just want to. You are a particularly perfect fit for the book. So it would be a treat for me to get one in your hands. You will laugh, you will cry, you will smile and you will frown. I promise that as an HSP the empowering end is worth getting to.
Can you e-mail me @ jqhannah@cfl.rr.com so I can get an address where I can send the book. I’ll take care of the shipping.
IF this site prohibits sharing e-mails this way, visit my website at JQHannahbooks.com and leave me a message with the info there and I will send you a copy.

I wish you lived here in Florida so we could have coffee and chat in person. Actually I do wish all the HSPs lived in one area so we could all meet and enjoy each other in this way. I accept things as they are, however.

I wish I could extend this offer to everyone, but unless I want to order more books to be printed I only have a limited number still left. If I do print more I will do another edit first to get those last remaining typos out of it.

Well I'm 51 and highly sensitive and my depression has cycled back around so right now I just wish we all lived on an island without the other 80%. I'm tired of feeling like an outsider on my own planet. This world wants the benefits of the subtle nuances we sense but it doesn't want to be quiet and still long enough for us to feel free to (Truly) express.

Regarding Elaine's extroverted/introverted dialogue, which I now can't see to reference, what you have here is someone who went through so much counseling and self work that I forced myself out of my shell and can actually rise to the occasion and be, for example, purposefully publically hysterical. The problem is, then I go home and have serious anxiety later. Did I over do it? Was so and so offended? Was it unprofessional? Good lord just shoot me.

Even when I skillfully look like one of the horses I am a Zebra.

So...about that Island....

PS don't worry I'm back in counseling.

PSS Chris my son also inherited the Gene and I've been holding my breath all his life.

Canadian, you could be describing me. I've had to get used to being alone most of the time because people and the outside world can get so - yeuch! They hurt.
Mostly I'm OK being alone as I can sleep, daydream, go on the Internet, and write fantasy stories of ideal worlds etc - but when I get one of my depressions I can feel I'm looking down a long long tunnel of Aloneness.

I can often feel there's nothing in this life for me and there's nothing and nowhere I want to - or could - fit in to and feel I belong to.

How can one fit in to things that are just going to hurt one with their alien-ness and nonsensitivity: bustle, upsetting impact-type sounds (I have selective-sound-sensitivity as well, sometimes known as Misophonia), annoying personality-types (who cause the upsetting sounds).

(Also read that you don't like scents - I have a friend who loathes anything 'fragranced' or people wearing strong perfume/aftershave)

There are many ways of "wiring around" our "defects." Do you know how to meditate? Do yoga or a similar discipline? All the things I have learned over the years have come into play dealing with my sensitivities. The internet is a godsend for me. I can interact with people straight from the comfort of my own home. There are even online support groups, which I have joined from time to time - I see someone here has recommended Meetup - there are simi;ar groups to join now - which I would if I weren't married. I dealt with problems in employment by working as a temp and a freelancer. Join a church or religious institution. There are kind people out there - You just have to look for them. As they say in the East - when the student is ready, the teaqcher appears...

I want to thank you, Elaine, for your books Elaine. You are a treasure. Our son's occupational therapist suggested I read your work. She is brilliant. Our son is an amazing little boy especially in literacy. He was doing fabulous in mathematics also, until he had four teachers in four years who made him feel he couldn't understand mathematics at all. We have had an incereible journey. Our son is in grade 6. We always wanted the best for our son and so placed him in a Christian school. One of those teachers was absolutely brilliant. She was a mathematics, Science high school teacher from Pakistan who was in her third year of child psycology. Her exact words to us were: 'You are going to have a dreadful time with Billy in Primary school. He is a very smart little boy but he is not going to be understood.' She then went on to say she was in her third year of psycology and she believed he was in a sensory area but hadn't quite nailed what it was. (this was five years ago). Here we are now five years later. We have had a hard time. We moved from two Christian schools, finally into a public school for his final year of primary school. My husband is a Vietnam Veteran, so we have had continuous support from Veteran Affairs. Doctors and specialists warned us we had a very sensetive, bright little boy and should any teacher try to place him in the ADD box, the autism box or whatever, they would fight that accusation as a team. We were so very lucky to have such professionals behind us including the gentle giant, Veteran Affairs. We had two Christian schools fighting us in this area. However, we felt doctors and specialists had to know these areas better than teachers. Finally at the end of last year - with great thought and sensitivity we moved our son to a public school that seemed to listen to the doctors. In doing so - our son has caught up on four years of mathematics. His literacy is outstanding. He is going to a Catholic high school next year but because we have fought so hard and long, knowing our son, and not allowing him to be placed into a box and wrongly labelled; this particular high school is sending someone out to speak with the public school principal, jr principal, our son's absolutely brilliant teacher and his ocupational therapist - so that the high school will start their journey with Billy in the right way. This has been the hardest, most emotional fight. It has been a roller coaster and swept along with it a little boy who always excelled in his naplan tests but was made feel he was different and worth nothing by insensitive teachers - who would not listen and would not try to understand that we were not going down their road of categorizing a child for Government funding. In his heart he knows he's a little different but often says to us since starting out at this public school -'Wow mum, I love just being a normal regular kid, with normal regular friends.' Having said this, Billy has kept five great friends from play group and two different schools. He finds it very easy to make friends and children seem to be drawn to him. He makes a very good friend but I've noticed he needs a day to recover from having a friend over to play. Both my husband and I are very sensetive people, so really our dear little man had no choice. The things that stood out earlier (and still do:) wouldn't eat as a child, couldn't stand tags on shirts, still can't stand the shower (prefers baths) can't stand his hair being washed - we have an awful time trying to get him to brush his hair - but he's managing. Still now, very fussy with foods but much better since being under an Occupational Therapist. He has an awful time with dance steps and sport at school - when doing a show at school - HE CANNOT WEAR MAKE-UP. If anyone else out there has a child like ours - please understand, they will have a battle with make up in a school play. I hope some of our experiences may help somebody else. Kathleen K

Hmmmm...I hear a lot of my daughter, myself and my husband within these descriptors...and ALL of us process our sensitivities differently. She flips in and out. I mainly stay out until depleted, and then RETREAT, and my partner is as pure an introvert as could be assessed. Here are some alternative models that have supported our family:

Meditation, (yes indeed)
Energy work
Homeopathy
The best diet possible, (considering the eater!) particularly for the sensitive child
LOTS of physical activity-(it seems to take my daughter at least two hours of something strenuous to get really grounded. [Often hard to achieve in the frame of a school day] The activity streams out extra energy so that the world at least hums at a more palatable resonance)
"Brain Gym"-AMAZING for really young sensitive souls-and older sensitive souls too
Plenty of WATER
Good natural scents at the ready, (like lavender and mint),to offset those more offensive ones
Sunglasses for the class room for overheards/SMART boards, (no kidding)
Sugarless chewing gum for stress
Gummy bears in the class room, (as long as you don't object) to sustain protein levels
and....of course, it is all in how you language it...even now at fourteen, when someone doesn't GET her sensitivity OR mine, we look at each other and sigh: "muggles..."

Would you rather I not mention something that I know can possibly be of help simply because I have a connection to the company. I could have lied and pretended to simply be a customer or the company, then you wouldn't have been upset probably. Instead I was very upfront, simply because I actually have a lot of integrity and know that I am coming from that place. With an unconditional money back guarantee we don't expect people to just buy and then they're stuff. They can buy it and see what difference it does make, or even send in a photo for consultation,..and you may not believe this but we do from time to time tell people not to buy because it won't give them enough help. Strange but true.

So honestly, I don't think there is any reason to feel shame, I would feel shame if I kept my mouth shut when my intuitive sense in reading a couple people's posts that it could make a huge difference especially detectives. I also shared a website of a woman doing remarkable work in helping HSPs and empaths learn to work with their sensibilities...again, just passing along info that has helped me and others I know immensely.
Carolyn

Would you rather I not mention something that I know can possibly be of help simply because I have a connection to the company. I could have lied and pretended to simply be a customer or the company, then you wouldn't have been upset probably. Instead I was very upfront, simply because I actually have a lot of integrity and know that I am coming from that place. With an unconditional money back guarantee we don't expect people to just buy and then they're stuff. They can buy it and see what difference it does make, or even send in a photo for consultation,..and you may not believe this but we do from time to time tell people not to buy because it won't give them enough help. Strange but true.

So honestly, I don't think there is any reason to feel shame, I would feel shame if I kept my mouth shut when my intuitive sense in reading a couple people's posts that it could make a huge difference especially detectives. I also shared a website of a woman doing remarkable work in helping HSPs and empaths learn to work with their sensibilities...again, just passing along info that has helped me and others I know immensely.
Carolyn

Hi Anon - God love ya! Thanks for your concern, but I found the snake oil I recently purchased from a post here really helped me. OK - bad joke.
Appreciate your concern, but, I think people are trying to help. If any poster's comments are less than noble, you know what they say about karma!
Finally - we may be HSPs, but we DO have a tougher side & although sensitive, are also often wise.
Have a good weekend, my friend!