Monday, January 29, 2007

Baron Baptiste, famed American Yoga Star, has apparently taken his bandana off in public before two Yoga students.

Sally Rogers and Beth Sandez were the two students present when Baron momentarily removed his bandana for a few seconds. "It was awesome", Ms Rogers exclaimed. Though the reason for the removal is unknown, Ms. Sandez offered a guess, "We think his head was itching severely and he needed to scratch it". Beth noted that this event had not occurred during the workshop that Mr. Baptiste was teaching that day, but rather in a hallway staircase in an out of the way area of the conference center. "Yea, we were like coming down the stairs and there he was with his bandana off and scratching his head. He must have heard us because he put his bandana back on real quick like", they explained.

When asked what Baron's head looked like under the bandana, both students were at a lose to discribe it, "I mean, we were so blown away that he didn't have a bandana on, that we really never got a good look. But it did seem to have some distinctive markings on it", they replied. Ms. Rogers went on to add, "This is like seeing Elvis. I know no will believe us, but we will always remember seeing Baron without his bandana".

Mr. Baptiste claims he never took off his bandana. "Those two weren't even Yoginis. They were just a couple of cranked up, crack whores. You know the type those Yoga conferences attract", he said.

Sunday, January 28, 2007

Due to the surge in the popularity of Yoga, income has plummeted to all time lows for a group of Gurus that where once popular during the 1960 and early 1970s. As more and more disciples of these gurus are showing up in Yoga studios, the Gurus felt it was a good time to go on tour.

The group consists of Franklin Jones aka Da Free John aka Adi Da aka Adi Da Samraj; Maharishi Mahesh Yogi aka Maharishi; Guru Maharaj-ji and the newly reincarnated Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh aka Osho. In addition, both Paul McCartney and Ringo will join on the tour to provide music. Tom Cruise wanted to join the group to represent L Ron Hubbard, but was informed that only live Gurus would be allowed on the tour.

Commenting on the tour, Adi Da explained it this way, "………………..", while Maharishi added, "Twice a day for twenty minutes". Guru Maharaj-ji gave a puzzled look while asking, "Where did everyone go". Newly reincarnated Osho simply said, "Waaaaaaaa". When asked if the two surviving Beatles would be enough to perform the music, Maharishi said that he would channel George Harrison. It is expected that newly reincarnated Osho will provide primal screams.

The tour will wind through retirement communities in the southern part of the U.S. The group believes they can create some bling from former followers that had left years ago to pursue normal lives, normal jobs and to play golf on the weekends.

Tickets are available for "GuruTour 2007" through TicketTron or through the website, GoGoGuru.com.

Thursday, January 25, 2007

Buried deep within the Democrats 100-hour agenda is a plan to establish a U.S. Department of Om Land Yoga. With the trillion dollar Yoga economy, there are fears in financial markets that Yoga might soon begin being outsourced to India. Commenting on this issue, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi said, "We feel that the establishment of a Department of Om Land Yoga will allow us to protect the economic interests of the country. In addition, we feel that this new Federal Department will create a more peaceful country, somewhat like Canada." Pelosi and the Democrats say they have the votes to make this happen. "We intent to prevent Yoga from slipping back to India and causing a recession in this country while at the same time healing the wounds that the Republicans caused in the last six years by fostering the practice of Yoga for all our citizens", she added.

When ask where she came up with the idea, Pelosi said that a small group of House and Senate Democrats began taking classes in a Yoga studio in the Adams Morgan section of Washington, DC. "We felt that a Yoga studio was the only place that we could do our strategic planning without the Republicans catching on to what we were up to. In the meantime, we all became hooked on Yoga", Pelosi explained. Asked who attended these classes, she mentioned Ted Kennedy, Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama among other Democrats in both houses. Expressing surprise that Ted Kennedy would be interested in Yoga, Pelosi replied, "Even though Ted looks like a fat, drunken slob, he has become quite an adept Yogi". It is rumored that a Yoga studio has been established in the basement of Congress.

President Bush reacted to the news of this item in the Democrats agenda, by exclaiming, "Yoga?? I warned you about those psycho, whack job Democrats". Dick Chaney, upon hearing the news, said, "Where's my damn shotgun". Donald Rumsfield remarked how he was glad to get out of that "nuthouse" called Washington and was looking forward to retirement in Iraq.

Monday, January 15, 2007

With the popularity and saturation of Yoga among the general public, Yoga teachers have become increasingly hard pressed to find new avenues of revenue derived from their Yoga practice. However, one enterprising Yogi found a way out of this dilemma. He has started to teach Yoga to cows.

While this has raised some eyebrows in the straight-laced communities of Montana where he teaches his Yoga practice, many cattle ranchers swear by the benefits of it. "My cows are so much calmer now", explained Guy Gusterson, a rancher in Custer county, Montana. "They seem to moo less which is a great blessing to anyone who lives on a ranch. Those cows can drive you crazy with all that mooing", he continued. "I think Yoga makes them more circumspect", he added.

YogaDawg, the brains behind Cow Yoga, claims his success comes from personally concentrating on each cow and telling them that they are doing a good job while at the same time letting them know if they need to improve a little bit here or there. YogaDawg is said to have a real personal touch with the cows. He realizes that each cow has their own skill level that they can work at and makes sure they never felt to be under pressure while learning Yoga.

"YogaDawg is just such a great guy, his vibes are amazing. Cows are kind of just naturally drawn to him', mentioned Wilma Gorden, another Montana cattle rancher. "You know when we first heard about Cow Yoga, we thought is was kind of nuts. After all, cows are kind of stiff", she explained. "But YogaDawg is very good with cows and makes them feel comfortable. He encourages them to just come as they are, gets their energy flowing", she added

YogaDawg explained how he came up with the idea of Cow Yoga, "Well, it was during a Cow Face (Gomukhasana) pose that I was doing when it suddenly dawned on me how stressed some cows are. Between cow mutilations from illegal aliens (the exterterrestrial kind), cow tipping (bored farm boys in rural areas who sneak up on an upright sleeping cow and then push it over for amusement) and lonely cowboys, it was obvious that cows could benefit from Yoga just as much as people". When asked what the hardest part was about teaching cows Yoga was, he replied, "Asking them to stop chewing their cud during class".

Monday, January 01, 2007

The new YogaDawg Teacher Training in a Box contains everything you need to become a Yoga teacher. Unlike other teacher training courses that are offered by every other Yoga studio and Yoga star in existence today, this easy, do-it-yourself, teacher training course will allow you to become a teacher in your own time or even quicker. With its collection of CDs, the easy to understand and critically acclaimed My Third Eye Itches – A Yoga Guide, the patented Yoga Student in a Box along with other learning tools, teacher training will no longer be the arduous affair that it has been in the past.

The YogaDawg Teacher Training in a Box comes with following:

- Three disk teacher training CDs:

Disk One: The audio version of My Third Eye Itches - A Yoga Guide

Disk Two: A selection of Yoga inspired howling created by Fred (YogaDawgs next door neighbor).

Disk Three: White noise CD that can be played in the car or at night with subliminal messages such as: Yoga is money; I want to be a Yoga star, etc.

- The patented Super Abridged Yoga Classics that cut to the chase of such ancient Yoga texts as the Yoga Sutras, Bhagavad-Gita and Right-On Yoga.

- Flash cards showing the 12 essential poses of the YogaDawg SuperDuperBlissInducer Super Bok Choy Method ® that includes the correct alignment and benefits of each pose.

- A candle, a stick of incense and a book of matches to help create your sacred space.

- The patented Yoga Student in a Box ® to help you practice alignment on your future students.

- A set of framed photos of currents Yoga Stars to keep you inspired.

- And last but not least, the awe inspiring, simulated Yoga mat in the form of a real dollar bill. This can be used as a Yoga mat for the Yoga Student in a Box and for that all important “first buck’ you make in your career as a yoga teacher.

The YogaDawg Teacher Training in a Box is offered for a limited time for only $59.95. A bargain over other teacher training courses which run into the thousands of dollars at your local Yoga studio. This is a golden opportunity to pursue your desire to become a Yoga Teacher and to cash in on the Yoga boom for a nominal price.

Upon completion of the Teacher Training in a Box, you will receive the coveted "Soon to be a Yoga Star" Ribbon printed with Congratulation on it from the YogaDawg College of Yoga. This will be a fine thing to pin to your Yoga mat when you actually teach students.

Praise for Teacher Training in a Box:

Damn, why didn’t I think of that…Cyndi Lee

Damn, why didn’t we think of that…David Life and Sharon Gannon

Damn, why didn’t we think of that…Rodney and Colleen

Damn, I could have been a Yoga teacher…George Bush

The YogaDawg Teacher Training in a Box with the patented Yoga Student in a Box

The coveted "Soon to be a Yoga Star" Ribbon from the YogaDawg College of Yoga

The YogaDawg Teacher Training in a Box with the patented Yoga Student in a Box along with the coveted "Soon to be a Yoga Star" Ribbon from the YogaDawg College of Yoga

YogaDawg Praise

I cracked up when I saw the bald picture of me in YogaDawg. Thanks for making me laugh and affirming why I shouldn't cut my hair.... - Seane Corn, Yogi

Love your site - funny!!! - David Newman (Durga Das), Kirtan Musician

I had a good graze through your web site and, apart from feeling jealous that I hadn't written some of it, enjoyed it immensely. - Edward Clark, Yogi

...love to see good yoga satire. - Sally Kempton, Writer

A master of yoga humor. - Stefanie Syman, Author - The Subtle Body

Your site is hilarious. I've been trying to get a couple of friends to start a satirical site on the yoga world and Wow! you've done it! - Ann Randolph, Actress, Playwrite

Your site is pretty funny...am wondering of course how I might fare when the dawg sets his sights on kirtan singers. - Dave Stringer, Kirtan Musician

I love your site...very funny!! You are the Joel Mchale/Soup of Yoga - Kimberly Fowler, Yoga Spokesperson for Nike

I love your blog - Cyndi Lee, Yogi

Just wanted to drop you a line and let you know that I am loving “My Third Eye Itches.” It’s great to come across another yoga writer with a sense of humor. My only regret is that I didn’t write it myself. - Anne Cushman, Author - Enlightenment for Idiots