I’m a knitter, spinner, and fearless warrior in the coming Zombie Apocalypse. What can I say? I multi-task...

Saturday, December 16, 2006

By Popular Demand: Your Two Favorite Guest Bloggers.

The Sheep has lost control of the airways today. This is probably for the best given that she has been trying to "eat healthy" for the past two weeks and is now in something of a fruit-induced coma. She is being force-fed frozen pizza and candy bars in an attempt to get her back to something resembling her usual sunny self. Meanwhile, Rational Mind and Hysterical Mind have been brought out from the recesses of her overly active brain to answer a challenge of sorts.

Hysterical Mind: Hee-Hee!!!

Rational Mind: Stop it.

HM: I can't help it! (begins to giggle uncontrollably)

RM: You are becoming insufferable.

HM: You're just jealous.

RM: Of you? Hardly. Now explain why we are here today.

HM:(still giggling slightly) They like me...they really like me!!

RM: Oh, for crying out loud. You were tagged, OK? You are not being knighted or winning the Nobel Prize. You simply need to follow some basic directions and then we can be done with this.

HM: How do I look?

RM: You look fine. Now let's do this.

HM: Do you realize the importance of this???? I was tagged!! Me!!! Not you. Not The Sheep as a whole and functioning person...Me!!! I'm the popular one! Meeeeeeeeeeee! I'm the belle of the ball, the queen of the prom, the prize in the cereal, the...

RM: Will you get on with it??!!

HM: OK. (smooths hair and adjusts bra) Go ahead.

RM: With what?

HM:(sotto voce) Introduce me!

RM: Are you kidding me with this? No. Just say the six things about you that are weird. This conversation might count as the first item, if you want my opinion.

HM: Oh, sure! When it's what you want we all just have to stop everything and clean the oven. But can you let me have just one little moment of happiness? No. I think you are jealous!! Yeah...you heard me! People like me better than you and you just want to ruin my big moment! I hate you!!! I hate you!!!! I hate you!!!!!!!!

RM:Fine. I'll do the stupid intro. Just please get up off the floor. We vacuumed today. Are you all right?

HM: Yes. I'm fine. You hurt my feelings. We will be discussing this later. Now, stop making a scene.

RM:(through gritted teeth) And now, for your reading pleasure and by popular demand, I give you Hysterical Mind. She will regale you with her rendition of "Six Weird Things About Me."

HM: Thank you!! What a great crowd! I just flew in from The Sheep's right hemisphere and boy are my arms tired! Heh, heh! Thank you! You wanna know what's weird about me? Sure you do! Well, here's a few things to keep you from sleeping well tonight:

1. Most readers know that I am a picky eater who literally consumes frozen pepperoni pizza every night of the week. In addition to this, I must eat all meal components in order from least to most enjoyable. The plate is divided up accordingly and the vegetables go first.Casseroles are something of a problem... It is only in the last few years that I have been able to eat a slice of pizza without first eating the toppings, then the cheese and finally the crust.2. I watch a lot of cartoons. Not just every so often. Daily. I watch them in place of the news or other adult programming. I am able to intelligently discuss them with the students in my class. Many of them simply assume that I have children of my own and that this is why I watch them. I do not have children.3. My other TV indulgence is horror movies. I like to watch them late at night and in the dark. I don't really get all that scared and rarely get nightmares. With one exception...4. I have an inordinate fear of zombies. Those flicks have pretty much ruined me. I leave for work in the dark for much of the year and return home under the same lighting circumstances. I have therefore devised a "Zombie Plan" in the event that the walking dead ever do pay a call. I check for them before exiting my vehicle and am ready to run should they pop out from behind a tree or anything. Note: This plan is hinged upon the workings of the zombies from the sixties and early seventies movies where they were slow-moving. Should they actually be capable of the speed seen in the later films, then I am screwed.5. I still watch zombie movies whenever I can.6. Whenever I am super-stressed I have a recurring nightmare. It is not about zombies. It is about a wedding. And it is mine. Weddings freak me out. Especially any wedding that has me in the white dress. I am jittery for days after these dreams.

RM: No...there are rules to this. You have done your 6 weird things and now you have to do this:

“THE RULES: Each player of this game starts with the ‘6 weird things about you.’ People who get tagged need to write a blog post of their own 6 weird things as well as state this rule clearly. In the end, you need to choose 6 people to be tagged and list their names. Don’t forget to leave a comment that says ‘you are tagged’ in their comments and tell them to read your blog.”

HM:What??? No one told me this!!!! I can't do this!!! What if I tag someone who has already done it and they think I don't read their blog and hate me forever? What if I pick someone who hates to be tagged and they put a curse on my head? What if I leave someone out who has always wanted to be tagged and they become suicidal over the whole matter? Or homicidal??? My God...I've sent out my school picture to some of these people! They could find me!!! Oh, this is a disaster! Why, oh why can't I read the directions? Why didn't you tell me this before I started? How am I going to choose??? Oh, heavy is the head that wears the mantle of responsibility...

RM: You've been reading again, haven't you. I thought we'd gotten rid of all the heavy lit. around here. Look, this isn't a big deal. Just pick 6 people. They can either do it or not do it.

HM:(in a muffled voice and with head under a couch cushion) I can't. You do it!

RM: You are beyond help. Look. Why don't we do this? We'll just put it out there and see who wants to do it. If they do, they can leave us a comment and we will link to them or something. Maybe someone will do it just to shut you up. Which would be nice from my perspective. Will that work for you?

HM:(Sniffling) m'kay.

RM: Good. Now, that that's done and out of the way. I have an organized list of projects I'd like us to take a look at. We need to come up with a good working plan for the next 8 days of Christmas Prep.

HM: 8 days???? Did you say 8 days? Oh, we are just doomed!!! There is no way...

RM: We have to go now. I need to get busy with the holiday stuff and HM needs a Xanax. And someone needs to wake up The Sheep. She's the one with the paycheck and this whole extravaganza isn't going to pay for itself. Have a great Saturday, Folks.

The Sheep will resume normal operations tomorrow, complete with FO pix and tales of the grocery store. Thank you for your patience.

You could pick me--I have enough weirdness for two or three people! I know, maybe I'll pretend you tagged me and do it anyway--would you tell anyone out here that it wasn't really you who did it? I' such a wallflower, no one ever tags me, so can I say you did??

About Me

I am a forty-something fiber-freak living in the wilds of Maine. My goals in life include: ridding my home of knitting UFOs, inventing an intraveneous coffee drip and growing old to become the crazy cat lady on my street. You know the one: 10-45 cats, nobody ever really gets a good look at her, just that fleeting glimpse as she screams at the neighborhood children to get off her lawn and about whom local legends abound.