This Week in the Laboratories of Democracy

Welcome back to our semi-regularweekly survey of what's going on in the various states where, as we all know, the real work of governmentin' is done, and whence all the really great ideas come.

As requested by one of our stalwart commenters, we begin this week in Oklahoma where, apparently having run out of reasons, real or imagined, why everyone should carry a gun everywhere at all times, the state legislature moved to address the danger posed to unarmed civilians by... poultry. The chair now recognizes state senator Ralph Shortey (R-Oklahoma City) in support of the measure:

During committee discussions, Shortey argued that he shouldn't be required to pay fees and get a license to carry a weapon. Here's how he justified that: "I was in oil and gas," Shortey said. "I was out on a lease at one time and I got attacked by a turkey. Wait until you get attacked by a turkey. You will know the fear that a turkey can invoke in a person. And so I beat it with a club. That was all I could do...I wish that I had a gun with me. And I started carrying a gun in my truck after that without a license because I didn't want to get attacked by a mountain lion. Turkeys are bad enough."

This is how it started with the Pilgrims, too. Just sayin'.

Leaving Oklahomans to their own devices, we move on to Mississippi, where the war on what ladies can do with their ladyparts without the permission of godbothering Penis-Americans reached DefCon 2 this week as the state passed a law specifically aimed at closing down the state's one clinic that offers abortion services:

"I believe that all human life is precious, and as governor, I will work to ensure that the lives of the born and unborn are protected in Mississippi," Gov. Phil Bryant said after signing the bill. He said the requirement calling for doctors to have admitting privileges is meant to "further protect patient safety in the event of a complication during the procedure."

Call me a cynical bastard, but I think that the law mostly stems from that first statement right there, especially considering that, in all other areas, Mississippi cares so much about its ability to "further protect patient safety" that it doesn't even have a statewide mechanism for reporting adverse medical events and possible medical errors. And here's a handy graph demonstrating the state's great concern for the health of its citizens. But Phil Bryant, Penis-American, stalwart supporter of tort reform so that the designer of the next Dalkon Shield doesn't have to worry about lawsuits from the relatives of those pesky dead people, is watching out for you, ladies. Rest easy.

Rolling north along the same sad highway, the unauthorized use of ladyparts also has caught the attention of the folks in the Iowa House of Representatives, where the state Republican chairman sent out a celebratory e-mail just yesterday:

Today Iowa GOP Chairman A.J. Spiker released the following statement in response to the passage of HR-8489, which prohibits state money from being used to finance abortions. "Many Iowans, including myself, are morally opposed to abortion. It is simply wrong to force an individual to finance something that is against his or her conscience," said Chairman Spiker. "As Thomas Jefferson once said, 'to compel a man to furnish funds for the propagation of ideas he disbelieves and abhors is sinful and tyrannical.' "I applaud the Iowa House for standing up not only for life but for all Iowans who are morally opposed to their tax dollars being used for abortions."

I look forward to Mr. Spiker's support for my proposed law prohibiting my tax dollars from going to everything to which I am morally opposed. Let's start with crazy-ass Steve King's salary and go from there. And the Jefferson quote is ripped competely out of context, torn into tiny bits, and apparently tossed up into the air in front of an electric fan. It comes from theVirginia Statute For Religious Freedom— and the exact quote refers to "opinions" and not "ideas" — and it's about not using public money to promote religion. To wit:

That to compel a man to furnish contributions of money for the propagation of opinions which he disbelieves and abhors, is sinful and tyrannical; that even the forcing him to support this or that teacher of his own religious persuasion, is depriving him of the comfortable liberty of giving his contributions to the particular pastor whose morals he would make his pattern, and whose powers he feels most persuasive to righteousness; and is withdrawing from the ministry those temporary rewards, which proceeding from an approbation of their personal conduct, are an additional incitement to earnest and unremitting labours for the instruction of mankind; that our civil rights have no dependance on our religious opinions, any more than our opinions in physics or geometry.

I'm going to go way out on a limb here and assume that Mr. Spiker is not altogether a supporter of that last bit.

If he is, then I'm going to assume he's outraged by the new law passed in Arizona — State Motto: If It's Crazy, We Got There First! — whereby they'll be teaching the Bible on the public's dime in the public schools:

It also creates and exemption for the Bible from a law that says "all books, publications, papers and audiovisual materials of a sectarian, partisan or denominational character" are prohibited from public schools and their libraries.

Darn, and I was dying to see what happened when they got to the unit on the Koran. Mr. Jefferson just threw a glass of Madeira at the wall in the Beyond. Pinwheel-eyed Governor Jan Brewer also got busy recently on the ladyparts front:

"This legislation is consistent with my strong track record of supporting common sense measures to protect the health of women and safeguard our most vulnerable population-the unborn," Gov. Brewer said in a statement.

Oklahoma's not the only place plagued by dangerous turkeys. This is your democracy, America. Cherish it.

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