Friday, May 4, 2012

El Fin

Written March 2, 2012:

Today I drove to the Travis County courthouse to file for divorce from my
husband. My husband who still seems very much mine. He's been in my
life for more than 9 years, although our marriage was a short one of 4 years and
1 month, to the day.

I'm nervous. I'm sad. I'm relieved. I'm relived that
we've finally found a solution to our problems, I'm relieved the awkard
conversation about how and when to do this is behind me, and I'm relieved,
sadly, to be ending my marriage. There, I said it. There's no way to sugar coat
something like that.

I wish Chris could be different. I wish he was the
person I'd hoped he would become. I wish we saw eye to eye on how to live our
lives. Those are a lot of needs on my part, and I understand that. His side is
of course that I didn't hold up my end of the bargain. I changed. Obviously, I
changed physically. I also changed my path. What Chris sees is a side of me that
isn't nearly as fun or easy going as the girl he started dating 9 years
ago.

My side is that he hasn't changed. He hasn't adapted to
life as a "grown up." Maybe because I came into his life too soon and he never
had a chance to find himself or sew his wild oats. Or whatever. Since this is an
amicable divorce, that's where I'll leave that.

Today:

On May 2, 2012, 61 days after I filed for divorce, I drove back to the same courthouse and finalized my divorce. I feel very different than the day I wrote the post above. Being away from Chris has given me a different perspective. It's allowed me to accept how bad things really were in our marriage. I realize now how unhappy I was during that time.

Today, I feel like a different person. I feel happier and more confident than I ever have in my life. It's strange to be a divorced, single mother before I'm even 30, but I'm glad. I'm happy I've given myself the opportunity. I have my sad moments. May 2 wasn't quite the celebration I expected. I was sad for a lot of reasons (that didn't include not being married to Chris anymore). I felt relieved that the divorce and everything that led to it were behind me. Did I feel like celebrating? No. I also know that that is okay, and probably a good thing as far as recovering and moving on goes.

Today I feel happy. I feel free. I'm starting to feel like celebrating as my social calendar fills up! I think the real celebration will come when Chris finally moves his stuff out of my house (14 days!) and the refinance on the house is done. Technicalities, I guess.