It's Like I Don't Exist

They knocked on my door again. They've knocked on my door almost every DAY. I understand that they need to pay the mortgage but I don't know how the FUCK else to tell them that I don't have any money. I'm doing the best I fuckin can without any help from anyone!

I can't complete my public assistance transactions until I get my Birth Certificate sent from Puerto Rico. Thankfully that will be soon. Yes people I am now becoming a government parasite. I don't want to and I hate myself for doing it but my kids need to eat.

I'm trying to keep a good attitude about everything but it's hard when the few jobs you find refuse to pay a living wage. But I'm severely depressed. I can't even pick up my apartment. I can't sleep. All I do is eat.

So I have a breakdown. I'm crying, screaming and hyperventilating. My head hurts. My chest hurts. There is absolutely no acknowledgement of my feelings here. My mother walks away from me or snaps at me to stop when I cry. She says everything upsets me.

Today I yelled at her and told her that everything upsets me because she refuses to validate my feelings. She insists that I need a shrink and meds. OK so I'm crazy but my cousin and my sister get validated and pitied?

My Cousin5'7" Thin, pretty, green eyes, blond. Never finished the 9th grade. Total moron. Makes $55k a year. HOW? Because she was able to fuck the right guys. My mom says, "Oh she's a good person the poor thing." The only reason mom says that is because my cousin has money. If she were a broke bitch like me mom wouldn't. But I have to pity HER? Right...

My SisterThis one isn't about her appearance. My sister has put me into the situation where I was left to fend for myself after we were supposed to share expenses, twice. TWICE! She would happily live on welfare and food stamps and public assistance forever if she could. She never holds a job longer than a few months because she just doesn't like to work. But I have to pity HER? Right...

Who do I have? Who pities me? I don't want pity. I just want someone in my family to fuckin validate MY feelings. To tell others, "Everyone makes mistakes," or "That's just the way she is." It's sad that the only people that understand me are people that know me only by what I reveal here in blogland.

It's sad that my family tells me that I spend too much time online, "Those people won't be there for you like your family," well thank GOD! The only people that have helped, (aside from my grandmother who HAS bought us food when we didn't have any, thank you Nana), have been my online friends.

One of them is there to listen to me bitch and validates my feelings but can also tell me when I'm wrong. Sadly she is a bit far and I can't pop in as often as I'd like. The other friend actually helped with money. Someone who has never met me. Who knows me only by my writing and through IMs.

I'm just tired of feeling alone unless I'm attached to my computer, which by the way I may lose soon unless my Unemployment Insurance is approved. I'm losing everything in my life and frankly I'm terrified.

I do NOT want to go to a homeless shelter. I don't want to have to sleep with one eye open to keep myself and my kids safe. I don't know what to do.

Gossip...thanks sweetie(welcome to my blog, its usually light and funny)Dys...I know there's nothing wrong with welfare but it's still something I HATE doingMzHuny...I DO have real friends here. I just wish my family would realize that the only peple there for me are my online friendSweetP...It sucks! And I do hope things work out soon! I'm so exhausted.

I know how you feel Cute. My mom is the same way with my brothers. I get an honorable (if you can call it that from her) occassionally. It's been that way all of my life. You do the same as me, just help yourself and your kids to the best of your ability. My mom makes crack comments about me being online. I feel the same as you, they are my friends and they help with their thoughts and words more than she does. My heart goes out to you. We just have to keep hope that it will get better eventually.

Why the hell is it taking so long to get the unemployment approved, is what I want to know. You're supposed to have a yes answer and a check, or a no answer and more tension within two weeks of applying. I've been through that myself.

I just wish someone would send you some Xanax for the anxiety. If I had any, I would. Although, you have to be really careful with them and take them just when you need them, as they are highly addictive. But for anxiety attacks, they are the wonder drug.

They're not going to send you to a homeless shelter. However, with the kids, I do worry about them sending you to public housing. If they do, try to get into housing project that has mostly old people. They tend to be a hell of a lot safer than say the Alphabet City projects.

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