Monday, December 14, 2009

My Alli: Invocation to the Muse

December 14, 2009

First of all, for those friends who sit here with me in the cyber-circle of the CCA (Cookie Crunchers Anonymous)--hi--my name's Sarah, and my last cookie was at nine-thirty. Obviously, I'm off to a great start.

Seriously though, I've tried it all, and now, left in the wake of failure after failure, I think--so where do I start this time? Who goes to the chopping block first? The calories, the carbs, or the fat grams? Well, not the cookies, that's for sure. The cookies fuel the brain cells, so before you start any new diet, get your plan together, because when the cookies go, so does the logical order of things.

I gave this dilemma some thought today, and from today's blog title, many of you may assume I decided to use the Alli Diet Pill. Alas no. I have learned my lesson about diet pills, and could tell many a horror story, but none so recent and poignant as when I confessed as much to my doctor at my last annual physical, and in the next moment found myself surrounded by the doctor and two nurses who were hooking me up to an EKG. Apparently this is routine practice in the case of confessions such as mine. They had very nearly charged the paddles and yelled "CLEAR!" when I threw myself onto the exam room floor--little paper sheet and all--and promised "Please, Spirit, Please--I will carry Christmas in my heart all year, I will--" oh wait. Sorry. Wrong life epiphany. Anyway, I promised no more pills.

But what then. What was going to work between wet diapers, screaming children, and bottle feedings? I resorted in my mind the classic order of the epic poem. You see, before I had children, and then started a day care in my home so that I could draw an income and stay home with my children, I taught high school English. My students called me "Shankspeare" which stuck, even after I got married. One of my favorite literature sections to teach was on epic poetry, and in an epic poem, the hero always begins with an invocation to his (or her) muse--the divine being that the hero looks to as an "Ally" in the epic journey that is to come. Yes, that seems like a good place to start. Today, the first step I took in the epic journey to my skinny jeans was to ask for God's Divine Help, and believe me when I say that getting the lard off these lats is going to take something akin to a miracle.