Last week, a group of "scientists" (and I use the term as loosely as I wear my pants when I want my buttcrack to be peepin' for the ladies) met in Moscow with a mission: to set off and get drunk in the woods for a week away from their wives find the abominable snowman/yeti. And now they claim they're '95% certain' they've found his den in the Kemerovo region of Siberia. Wait -- he didn't even have the place booby trapped?!

It didn't take very long for them to issue a statement on the official Kemerovo website stating they had found "footprints, a probable den and various markers that Yetis mark their territory with."

An English translation (from translate.google.com) of the original Russian news report added that the conference researchers "collected irrefutable evidence of the existence of the Yeti in Mountainous Shoria" (the southern part of Kemerovo).

They concluded that the artifacts gave them 95-percent proof of the existence of Yeti in the Kemerovo region, the press release stated.

Some possible Yeti hair samples reportedly found in the region by Russian scientist Anatoly Fokin will be studied in a laboratory to determine their origin.

Lies, all lies. Hey Russia, you don't have to lie about abominable snowmen just so I think you're cool, I heard you sell vodka out of vending machines. I would marry you yesterday! "Settle for a mail-order bride?" No dice, I heard they'll steal your kidneys.