I left Corporate America four years ago to be a stay-at-home mom. It is the most rewarding, fulfilling, and frustrating job I’ve ever had.
I started a blog because I have a serious lack of adult interaction. This is a great way to get my thoughts out, and practice talking to people who are older than age four. Please enjoy my rantings about the life of a stay-at-home mom.
And remember, everyone looks better with a few shades of crazy on their faces.

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Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Every eight weeks, I head to the salon and shell out an arm and a leg to get my hair done. It is the one extravagance I have for myself. I rarely buy clothes, I only get pedicures if I have a gift certificate, but I do like to get my hair done.

Just once I would like to go to the salon without the precursor of my husband asking questions like, “How much is it again?” Grrrr. . . I have curly hair. A cut and a highlight for my hair is a bit more complicated than whipping out the clippers and giving him his 10-minute cut. I truly don’t think he appreciates the difference. Does he seriously think I would sit in a chair for an hour processing with tin foil in my hair if I didn’t think it was worth it? Does he think I’m just trying to see if I can pick up satellite signals? Hmph.

Not only that, but I would like to come home to slightly more than a lackluster response. Whenever my mom comes home from the salon, my dad always responds, “What’s the matter? Couldn’t you get in?” This is my father’s sense of humor. Eric thought that was just hilarious, and started using that line until he apparently became tired of me hitting him.

Tonight when I got home, Eli met me at the door, staring at my hair, which will only look cute tonight because I can never get it to look the same as my hairdresser. I asked him, “Do you like mommy’s hair?” He said, “Yes. It looks beautiful!” Now, that is the right answer!!

Then, I went and stood between my husband and the TV. He looked at me and said, “Yeah.” I said, “Well, what do you think? Don’t you like it?” He said – are you ready? – “Eh. I guess.” Insert loud, audible sigh from me. Then he said, “Well, what do you want me to say?”

I said, “I WANT you to say, ‘Ohmygod! You look soooo hot! You have sex kitten hair!” He paused for about two seconds and then burst out laughing. He laughed so hard that he woke up Georgia who had just gone to bed.

He’ll be lucky if I don’t shave his head tonight while he sleeps.

Just for the record, this is a self-portrait taken about 30 seconds ago. See? Cute hair – just ignore the tired bags under my eyes and the fact that today’s make-up has worn off.

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Okay, here’s the deal. I have large breasts. I know – try to hide your shock. To anyone who knows me, that is certainly not a huge surprise. It’s also not a surprise that I don’t like my big boobs and never, ever have. I always promised myself that after I was done having children, I would do something about my uncomfortable ta-tas.

Well, today was the day I met with the plastic surgeon. I had called my insurance beforehand to make sure the doctor I chose is in my network and they assured me that she is. That didn’t stop the receptionist from giving me a hard time at the office. What is up with these people, anyway?

First I filled out the forms, having to list everything from my great-grandmother’s maiden name to the reason her dog died 50 years ago. After 30 minutes of filling out forms, I was ready. That’s when the botox-laden receptionist gave me the third degree about my insurance. The receptionist had to go down to the billing department to make sure it was accepted. She came back 20 minutes later. Sure enough, they take my insurance, just as I had told her three times. Grrrrr!

After being at their office for an hour, I finally got called back by the nurse, who mispronounced my name. Then, I got to watch a 15-minute video on breast reductions. Yes, I had been there an hour, and still had yet to see anyone resembling a doctor, but at least I got to enjoy their multi-media presentation. About 10 seconds into the presentation, they used the term “pendulous breasts” and I started giggling like I was in junior high. My friend Heather has a whole little bit she does with a funny voice and a strut where she talks about having “hispies” and “pendulous breasts.” The recollection was so funny, that I practically peed my pants

After that, the nurse asked me questions like, “How small do you want your breasts?” She seemed alarmed when I said, “Lady, you could slice them completely off with a machete and I would be perfectly happy.” Apparently, they don’t get many answers like that. She responded, “I’ll just put that you’d like a B cup.” Yeah, yeah.

Then I had to wait for the doctor who came in to meet me before I stripped so they could take pictures of me naked. The doctor seemed like lots of fun. She described the different types of incisions, and the possibility that your nipple can die, in which case they reconstruct a new one. (Eeek!) I had already resigned myself to the fact that after this, my nipples will be nothing more than decorative ornaments, and I’m okay with that. At least now if I ever want to get them pierced, I won’t have to worry about any pain, right? (My husband doesn’t find that the least bit amusing.)

Then the doctor told me that it was now in the hands of the mo-fo’s at the insurance company. The doctor writes them a letter, explaining why I would be a good candidate for a breast reduction, and then we wait and see what they say. Since I cannot afford this surgery on my own, I am pretty much screwed if they say no. She said they might give me flack because I am overweight. I asked if they realized that being overweight might have something to do with the fact that my breasts probably weigh about 30 pounds each. She just smiled. I was serious.

After that, another nurse came in to take pictures. That was fun. Imagine a mug shot . . . naked. They stood me in front of a blue background and started snapping away. When I smiled for the camera (because I just can’t help but smile in front of a camera), she said, “You don’t need to smile. We only take pictures from your shoulders down.”

Well hell, that’s even more scary. I like to think the fact that my breasts are so “pendulous” that I can tuck them into the waistband of my pants, is somewhat offset by my winning smile.

I wonder if those pictures are going to my insurance company, too. I forgot to ask that part. I now have visions of my boob shots floating around the desks of horny men at Cigna. Oh well, if it gets me approved, I’ll flash them in person.

Monday, January 29, 2007

This is the very first Manic Monday post. Manic Mondays are the brain child of Morgen over at It’s A Blog Eat Blog World. Morgen provides a word each week on Friday, and on Monday, we post a blog inspired by that word. I think it’s an awesome concept. To learn more about participating in Manic Mondays, check out Morgen’s blog.

On to this week’s topic at hand – cruising. I grew up in a small town in southern Kansas. There was nothing to do in that town. The main entertainment consisted of underage drinking, and parking someplace out in the country to make out. Needless to say, there were a lot of teen pregnancies for such a small town. Luckily, I dodged that bullet, since I was a virgin right up until my wedding day. (Hey, my parents read this blog. Work with me!)

But I digress. Aside from that, the only other thing there was to do on the weekend nights was to go cruising. The excitement of cruising in Wellington was to drive down a stretch of main street, drive through the A&W parking lot to turn around, drive back down main street and turn around by the old movie theatre. Repeat about 100 times. That’s cruising in Wellington. Woo hoo. I did this every weekend during my high school years, and even during college when I was home on the weekends.

The height of teenage hormones really ran wild if there was a certain boy or group of boys following you down main street. Looking back, it was only a two-lane street, so whatever car was behind you didn’t have much choice but to follow you, but at the time, that was enough excitement to send us girls into a tizzy.

Anyway, since you could probably guess that cruising got a little boring after awhile, we always got to the point of creating our own excitement. In the hands of a gaggle of 16-year-old girls, that could be a dangerous thing.

One night, a bunch of friends and I went out cruising, which consisted of seeing how many of us could shove ourselves into my Cavalier. (We could have won any clown car contest.) We quickly saw that my ex-boyfriend was out cruising, too. We will call him Jay. I don’t even remember how my relationship ended with Jay, but I do remember that while on a “break” with his current girlfriend, we “hooked up” as kids would say now (isn’t that the lingo?). Anyway, that, I remember, did NOT end well.

When we saw Jay out cruising, we made it our goal to terrorize him, which in our minds, was the key to a fun evening. First we tried to subtlely follow Jay, but we needed more excitement. So logically, we decided to do something to his car. We stopped at the grocery store. I decided against eggs because I didn’t despise him that much, so we settled on mustard. Mustard would show up nicely on his big black truck.

We purchased our condiments and off we went. I was driving, so technically I could be considered innocent, right? We cruised up along side Jay, and my partners in crime hung out the window and squirted the hell out of his truck with mustard. Then we sped off giggling. Jay was pissed.

We spent the rest of the evening trying to hide from him. Considering my previous description of how small a town I’m from, that was not easy. It didn’t matter if we pulled over in a crowded parking lot and turned off our lights, he was onto us. Finally, when we thought we had lost him, we pulled over at Love’s for a bathroom break. We weren’t there 30 seconds when Jay pulled up blocking my car in. Oh, double crap. He just came up to me and said, “Do you have any idea how difficult mustard is to get off of my truck?” And then he smiled. The damn charmer.

Things worked out okay that time. Jay and I later hooked up again during college. Again, it didn’t end well. Why don’t teenagers know how to leave well enough alone?

I ran into Jay a couple of years ago in Wellington. He’s been divorced a couple of times and has a couple of kids. He’s now bald, and he looked as if he had swelled. And the way he was staring at me, he knew he screwed up.

Satisfaction is still sweet, even if you have to wait 12 years to get it.

Sunday, January 28, 2007

Sorry I have been blog absent for the last couple of days. That usually means I’m busy with the sex toy business! That plus the endless search for a new vacuum cleaner has kept us extremely busy.

I was going to do an entire post on things my son said over the weekend, but I think I am going to make that into an entire Thursday 13 of Eli comments. But one of them I have to give you now. It’s so good, I just can’t wait.

I went to hug Eli, my 4-year-old, and he grunted and yelled, “MOMMY! You are popping my personal space bubble!!”

I was surprised, yet extremely impressed with his ability to express himself. God, I love that boy!

That and his newfound fascination with knock-knock jokes have been keeping me extremely entertained. Although I really need to have a talk with him on the importance of a punchline. His knock-knock jokes are usually something like this:

Eli loves that one. But he doesn’t seem to get any of my other jokes. Mainly because when I ask him the rhetorical joke question, he answers me. That doesn’t really work. Today, I asked, “Why did the chicken cross the playground?”

Obviously, you’re supposed to say, “Why?” Eli said, “Well, he probably crossed the playground to get out of the way so he wouldn’t get hit by the swings.”

That’s a very logical answer, and to me, that’s funnier than the actual punchline, which incidentally is, “To get to the other slide.”

Oh, that’s a good one. I think I’m a little slap happy. I need some coffee.

Don’t forget everyone that tomorrow is the very first Manic Monday! This week’s topic – cruising! You can read more about how to participate in Manic Mondays at It’s A Blog Eat Blog World.

Friday, January 26, 2007

Am I completely twisted that sometimes (and I stress sometimes) I actually get a kick out of listening to my children argue with each other? As I am writing this, Eli is watching a DVD is his room. It happens to be Dora. Georgia LOVES Dora more than life itself, so she wants to stay in his room and watch it with him. God forbid, Eli’s little sister should set foot in his bedroom. Chaos ensued.

Now, Georgia (who is very good at getting even for a 1 1/2 year-old) is grabbing things that belong to him and running out of his room. This causes him to chase her screaming, “NO, GEORGIA! THAT’S MINE!!!” I actually just heard him utter the phrase, “Unhand that DVD!” He’s four! That is classic!

And doesn’t a mom deserve to be entertained after a tough day of child-rearing. Today, I was simply planning to vacuum – not a difficult task, you would think. Not difficult, that is, if you have a vacuum that freaking works. We have some sort of a Bissell Powerfuck vacuum cleaner that drives me crazy more than it actually picks things up off of my floor. Sometimes I think I could crawl around on my carpet with a pair of tweezers and collect more effing dirt than this damn thing.

I have been hounding my husband for at least two months about getting a new vacuum cleaner. The problem is that I don’t want to spend $100 and get another cheap-ass Dirt Hoover Devil Riding thing that doesn’t work. The vacuum I want is $600. My husband doesn’t want to spend $600 that we don’t have on a new vacuum cleaner. That is because he doesn’t do the freaking vacuuming.

Last week when I vacuumed, the roller didn’t work. Of course, I didn’t realize that until I had sprinkled Carpet Fresh all over the floor and then turned the thing on. This caused me to call my husband in a fit of rage screaming about our vacuum. Again. I had to wait until he got home - because I am not even going to attempt to take the damn thing apart – to unscrew about 50 parts of the vacuum and put the belt back on.

Today, I sprinkled Carpet Fresh all over the floor, got out the vacuum, and turned it on. No roller, no suction. Mother F*ck! And just for the record, shouting obscenities at the vacuum, shaking it, and banging it up and down on the floor don’t do a damn thing to fix it. So I called my husband in a fit of rage. Again.

Do you know what he actually said? Are you ready? He said, “Why don’t you turn on the vacuum to make sure it works before you sprinkle Carpet Fresh?”

I’m sorry. What?! Maybe because that shouldn’t be my first thought! My first thought is that we should have a vacuum cleaner that actually works. *seething* Sometimes he is so lucky that I cannot bitch slap him over the phone.

Then, I took the kids and went to Target to look at vacuums. They had an array of vacuums in the $500-$600 range, and an array of vacuums in the $50-$75 range that looked like they didn’t possess enough power to sweep my kitchen floor.

So, I am now sitting here, vacuumless, with Carpet Fresh all over the floor, listening to my children fight, waiting for my husband to get home so we can have a talk. A talk that better end with me getting a f*cking Dyson.

Thursday, January 25, 2007

When I sat down and listed all of the 80’s horror movies I have seen, I had a list of more than 20. I tried to narrow that down to a fun mix of movies. Some of these movies are really good, and some of them are just so horribly bad that they’re entertaining. But each of them has something that makes them worth a look.

No one is allowed to leave a comment if all you’re going to say is “I don’t like those kinds of movies.” That’s not gonna cut it, people!

1. The Lost Boys (1987) – A mother and her two sons move to a town that is overrun with vampires. This is one of my favorite 80’s movies. I was a Corey fan, and this has both of them – Haim and Feldman, plus a young Jason Patric. Not only that, but Keifer Sutherland with awesome 80’s hair is completely perfect as the head of the vampire pack! Love this movie! I saw it three times at the theatre when I was 14!Best gruesome moment: Death by stereo!

2. Prom Night (1980) – A masked killer seeks revenge on four teens responsible for the death of a child six years earlier. Give me a Jamie Lee Curtis movie any day! This was a tough choice since she also did Terror Train, The Fog, Halloween 2 – she was a busy scream queen in the 80’s. Anyway, I love this movie, because it’s not only a great suspenseful slasher flick, but it’s a good whodunit!Best gruesome moment: That head rolling out on the dance floor!

3. April Fool’s Day (1986) – Nine teenagers in a deserted mansion start getting killed off one by one. I made my husband watch this one night and he totally does not get why I like it. It’s not a great slasher flick, but it’s got a very fun twist at the end, and that makes it a worthwhile movie for me.Creepiest moment: Bodies in the well. Eeeewwww!

4. He Knows You’re Alone (1980) – A young bride-to-be is stalked by a serial killer. I saw this movie when I was little and it scared the crap out of me. Then I saw it again as an adult, and I’m not quite sure what I was thinking. The acting is seriously horrible. But it really does have some scary moments.Most gruesome moment: That head in the fish tank!

5. Happy Birthday To Me (1981) – Before her 18th birthday, Virginia’s friends start turning up dead. Coincidentally, she is suffering from black-outs. Once again, this movie is one that I remember as being much better when I saw it in the 80’s. Oh, but it’s certainly entertaining to watch. And it has an interesting twist at the end that provides some satisfaction. But come on, when anyone from Little House on the Prairie is in a slasher movie, aren’t you curious?Most gruesome moment: That shish kabob to the back of the throat!

6. Slumber Party Massacre (1982) – An 18-year-old girl who is left home alone decides to have a slumber party. I haven’t seen this movie in years, but I do remember seeing it at a slumber party when I was 11, and it scared the bejeezus out of me. I also remember it being darkly funny. Which means now, it would probably be hilarious.Most gruesome moment: Would a real killer actually have that much of a need for power tools?

7. Sleepaway Camp (1983) – Bizarre and violent accidents claim the lives of kids at a summer camp. I just can’t believe this movie spawned five sequels!! Many people think this is a better camp slasher movie than Friday the 13th. I don’t know that I would go that far, but it is a good cult classic. It really did have an ending that I did not see coming. Of course, I was 12 at the time, so I wasn’t as good at figuring these things out. But it certainly made me never want to go to summer camp.Best gruesome moment: The curling iron. That’s all I really need to say about that.

8. Children of the Corn (1984) – A young couple wanders into a town where all the adults are dead and the children perform cult worship and human sacrifices. This gives evil children a whole new meaning. I’ve never been a huge Stephen King fan, but this is one of his short stories turned movies that I thought was pretty damn scary.Creepiest moment: Pretty much any time Malachai is on screen. I still have trouble watching Courtney Gains in anything today.

9. Child’s Play (1988) – A serial killer transfers his soul into a doll, Chucky, and then resumes his killing spree. Okay, would anyone really get their kid a doll that looks that creepy in the first place? I mean, come on! Either way, it made me want to put all my stuffed animals in storage. But my favorite part is the end when Chucky is fighting with the mom (Catherine Hicks of 7th Heaven). That is classic!Creepiest Moment: Pretty much every time that damn doll opens its mouth.

10. Friday the 13th (1980) – Many years after two counselors are killed at Camp Crystal Lake, the owner decides to reopen, sparking a series of grisly murders. Oh, what a classic. How many sequels are we up to on this one? 10 or 11? I still watch this movie whenever it’s on. On AMC, they even show it with pop-ups. That’s lots of fun! Even though it’s cheesy, I still get the creeps when Eric comes up behind me and starts going “sh sh sh sh fu fu fu fu.” Eeek!Best gruesome moment: Oh there are so many. Kevin Bacon getting skewered right through the neck? Or maybe Mrs. Voorhees’ final moments.

11. Nightmare on Elm Street (1984) – A child murderer stalks the children of the people who killed him. . . in their dreams. This is another one that gave me nightmares. I was scared to go to sleep, and it didn’t help that I had an older brother who went outside and scratched on my window to scare me. The bastard!Best gruesome moment: Johnny Depp getting sucked up by his bed.

12. Poltergeist (1982) – A family’s home is haunted by ghosts. This is one scary f*cking movie. I got scared of ghosts when I watched Scooby Doo as a kid. After seeing this movie, I couldn’t sleep for weeks! So my tip is – don’t let your kids watch it! It’s sooo good, though. And I still think the special effects are great today.Scariest Moment: This is a tough one. The tree? The clown? The caskets and bodies in the pool? Oh, I could go so many different directions. But the best line of the movie – “You moved the head stones, but you didn’t move the bodies?!”

13. Chopping Mall (1986) – Eight teenagers are trapped overnight in a mall and pursued by three murderous security robots. Okay, this is like the worst movie ever, but sooooo entertaining! The description really says it all, doesn’t it. It’s especially great because the evil robots look like the robot in Short Circuit. It’s awesome! And they have killer laser beams. They don’t make bad movies this good anymore!Most gruesome moment: Laser head explosion!

The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

I started to write my blog on my daughter’s full-fledged public temper tantrum when I picked Eli up at preschool today. Then, it occurred to me that I’ve blogged about that numerous times, so I might want to give my readers a break.

Having said that, you should all take a moment to admire my ability to smile and greet others pleasantly while there was a 20-pound monster kicking the sh*t out of my stomach and trying desperately to head butt me. Just another day in mommyland.

Eli, on the other hand, who never seems to listen to me, seems to pick 1 out of every 100 things I say, and repeat it incessantly. At Christmas time, after I had cooked so much, I could have sworn that my coat smelled like onions. Since I said that (for the last month), every time I put Eli's coat on him, I hear, “I don’t WANT to wear THIS coat! It smells like onions!”

Is he just trying to drive me crazy?

Anyway, now for my semi-wordless Wednesday post. It’s going to take me some time to actually get to ‘wordless’. That’s just not a concept that comes easily to me.

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

He’s back, ladies!! Prison Break is back, and so is my boyfriend Wentworth Miller. What a perfect way to pull me out of my funk when I’m not feeling well. He’s so much better than herbal tea.

*sigh*

Anyway, here’s a story. I was out for coffee with Aaron the other night, and he was telling me about this beautiful man who always comes to Caribou when he’s working. I think Aaron actually used the word “dreamy.” Anyway, he said, “He kind of looks like that one guy on that one show about prison.” Oh, my ears perked up then.

“Prison Break?!!” I asked.

“Yeah! That guy! He looks like that guy you always post a picture of on your blog.”

After I stopped breathing for a moment, I think I screamed, “There is a guy who comes to Caribou who looks like Wentworth Miller?!! Are you freaking kidding me?!!!”

Aaron said, “He really does look like him. The only difference is that he has a British accent.”

Now, I really stopped breathing. Is this a joke? There is actually a guy who apparently lives in this city who looks like Wentworth Miller AND has a British accent. I asked Aaron to get his address for me so I could stalk him. Aaron just rolled his eyes (similar to the eyeroll of my husband – what is it with these guys?) Oh well, the kids and I will now be staking out Caribou. I’ll let you know if I come across the Phantom British Went.

Or rather Lady Sounds Like a Dude, but that wasn’t nearly as catchy. What the hell am I talking about? My voice. My voice is completely gone. I blame my best friend, Stacey. She gave me mono in college. Ever since then, I lose my voice when I get the slightest hint of a cold. I have no idea why.

Last week, as soon as I got a runny nose, the voice started to go. WTF?! I didn’t even have a freaking cough. Since then, it has gotten progressively worse. On Friday, I just sounded like a guy. On Saturday, it held out for my Passion Party, but that was pretty much the kicker. By Sunday, it was completely gone.

Today, it’s starting to come back. Kind of. But, I am just trying desperately not to let this affect my daily life. Eric calls it my phone sex voice, which, by the way, he thought really set the mood for my Passion Party. But today, I finally got to the point where I can not talk to one more person. Mainly because I cannot handle one more person telling me how terrible I sound. Jeez, can’t people just politely ignore the fact that I sound like Kathleen Turner with a severe hangover?

Everyone I have come into contact with today has started off with, “Oh my God! You sound horrible.” My mom talked to me on the phone for 30 minutes today about how I needed to see a doctor. Then, there’s Eli. He asks me a question, and after I utter one frog-like word, he says, “What?!” He sounds like a lawn mower. “What what what what what what.” Ugh.

Then I made the mistake of taking the children to the grocery store. I really didn’t think that one all the way through. It’s not a good idea to take Georgia to the store when I have no voice. It renders me unable to sing when she starts throwing a fit. I got out of there quickly.

Now my sinuses hurt and whatever evil cold virus I have seems to have gotten into my eye. Yippee. Pink eye. Now, I even look like I have a hangover. At least it goes with the voice. I am going to go make blueberry tea now. With honey.

Monday, January 22, 2007

I related the news when it broke at the beginning of December of the retirement of Greg, the yellow Wiggle. Greg handed his yellow shirt over to Sam, the new yellow Wiggle (see photo of Sam to the right). Anyway, I hadn’t really thought about how I was going to break this news to Eli. We decided not to make a big announcement that there would be no more Greg, but we hadn’t really taken the thought any further.

Last week, the Wiggles, complete with Sam, were on Good Morning America. I wasn’t really looking at Sam because I was way too focused on sexy Anthony (the blue Wiggle) who at the time was hopping like a kangaroo. So, in my defense, I was distracted.

Eli asked, “Mommy, why is Greg wearing his hair like that?” Without thinking, I responded, “That’s not Greg, sweetie. That’s Sam, the new Wiggle.” (Insert head slap here.) I realized my mistake as soon as it came out of my mouth.

I looked at Eli, whose eyes were about to bug out of his head. “But, where’s Greg?!!!” he practically screamed. I couldn’t really back peddle, so I just said, “Well, Greg retired so he could stay home with his family. Sam’s the new yellow Wiggle, and he looks like he’s going to be a lot of fun.” Then I think I even clapped and said “Yay!”

He wasn’t buying it. Eli’s response? “I DON’T LIKE SAM! I WANT TO SEE GREG!” Well, crap on a stick. Thinking fast, I said, “You will! You will still see Greg!” I explained that it’s like Blue’s Clues. Since they run old ones and new ones, sometimes, you see Joe and sometimes you see Steve. I told him it was like that. Sometimes you’ll see Sam and sometimes you’ll see Greg.

That just got an “Oh.” He seemed happy with that. And I got another lesson in how I really need to think things through before they come out of my mouth!

Okay, Morgen and Janna seemed to be having quite a bit of fun South Parking themselves, so I thought I would give it a shot. It's a hell of a lot of fun, and I don't even want to tell you how much time I spent messing around with this.

You can South Park yourself here. But don't go there unless you have a lot of time to mess around. It's addictive.

Sunday, January 21, 2007

That’s right! This weekend, we are digging out from a snow storm. If you’re east of Kansas City – get ready. It’s coming your way. I knew it was supposed to snow, but it wasn’t supposed to get heavy until after midnight last night. That made me happy because I had a Passion Party last night at 5:00. So, what happened?

It had just started snowing lightly when I arrived at my Passion Party. I unloaded all of my things, and the hostess closed her blinds and drapes before we got started. Apparently, people don’t like their neighbors to peer in the window and see a bunch of women passing around dildos. But, I digress.

At 10:00, everyone had ordered (awesome party, btw!!), and talked, munched, and the non-drivers were properly liquored up on wine and martinis. Then we opened the door to head out. Everyone stopped and gasped. During the party, it had snowed about four inches. And it was still snowing. Yes, it was beautiful, but now we were faced with the prospect of digging out.

Luckily, many of the women were soccer moms who were ready to jump in their 4-wheel drive minivans and SUVs and kick the ass of these snow-covered streets, so no one had much of an issue with driving. It didn’t take long before we were all out of there, and home. But I am determined to do a Passion Party where it doesn’t freaking rain or snow!

Friday, January 19, 2007

I was tagged by DesertSongbird over at the Ice Box for this ABC Meme. You should check out her blog. She lives in the Southwest. With palm trees. I hate her. Did I mention it got up to 20 degrees here today?

G. Gummi bears or worms? Gummi worms. I steal them off of Eli’s Dirt and Worms dessert. (Sidenote: Did you know if you lick gummy worms and fling them out of a moving car, they will stick to the windshields of passing cars? Not that I have ever tried this.)

H. Hometown? Wellington, Kansas

I. Indulgence? Coffee

J. January or February? February! Valentine’s Day and my birthday (Feb. 22. Mark it on your calendars.)

P. Phobias/fears? Being chased by a masked man (it’s my recurring dream – anyone know what it means?) Other than that, I’m going with snakes.

Q. Favorite Quotation? “There are three rules that I live by: never get less than twelve hours sleep; never play cards with a guy who has the same first name as a city; and never get involved with a woman with a tattoo of a dagger on her body. Now you stick to that, and everything else is cream cheese.” (Coach Finstock in Teen Wolf)

I got this recipe out of Kraft Food and Family, and I tweaked it a little. Yum-o!

Ingredients

1 lb. extra lean ground beef

1 pkg. (6 oz.) Stove Top Stuffing Mix

1 cup water

1 Tablespoon Italian seasoning

1/2 jar spaghetti sauce (I used fire-roasted tomato and garlic)

mozzarella cheese

Directions

1. Preheat oven to 375. Mix meat, stuffing mix, water and Italian seasoning until well blended. Press evenly into 12 medium muffin cups sprayed with cooking spray; make an indentation in center of each with back of spoon.

2. Evenly spoon spaghetti sauce into indentations in meatloaves.

3. Bake 30 minutes or until meatloves are cooked through. Top evenly with cheese; continue baking 5 minutes or until cheese is melted. Let stand 10 minutes before serving.

Thursday, January 18, 2007

I came across Secret Admirer the other day on TV, and it reminded me of all the movies I enjoyed in the 80’s that weren’t as popular as Pretty in Pink or Sixteen Candles. Therefore, I thought it was a perfect topic for a Thursday Thirteen. Here is a list of movies from the 80’s that I enjoyed that weren’t written by John Hughes.

In the coming weeks, stay tuned for 80’s horror movies and my favorite movies of the 80’s, as I continue my 80’s rewind!

1. Secret Admirer (1985) – This movie revolves around the age-old tradition of teenage love letters, and what would happen if one found its way into the adult world. As you can imagine, chaos ensues. Secret Admirer stars C. Thomas Howell (What the heck ever happened to him, anyway?) and young Kelly Preston who looked like she was really enjoying playing the bitchy popular girl. A definite renter!

2. Girls Just Want To Have Fun (1985) – A young Sarah Jessica Parker plays Janey, a girl new to Chicago. She befriends Lynn (Helen Hunt who is freaking hilarious in this role). The two share a passion for dancing and become obsessed with winning a dance contest on Dance TV! I love this movie!! It also costars a 12-year-old Shannon Doherty, and a very hot Lee Montgomery. (Where is he now?)

3. Blow Out (1981) – This is a fabulous thriller! John Travolta stars as a sound effects man who while outside recording nature sounds, records the sound of car having a blow out. He rescues a passenger from the car, and later discovered that he had accidentally recorded much more than a blow out. This is a must-see!!

4. Gleaming The Cube (1989) – This is the first movie in which I ever saw Christian Slater! He plays a bleached blond skateboarder who takes it upon himself to investigate his brother’s apparent suicide. With the help of his skate boarding friends, they work to bring his brother’s killers to justice. This is a great guilty pleasure!

5. Heathers (1989) – Speaking of Christian Slater, this is an outstanding movie if you love dark comedies. Christian plays Jason Dean, a new kid in school looking for a Bonnie to his Clyde. He finds that in Veronica (Winona Ryder). The two team up and begin offing the popular kids at school and making them look like suicides. It doesn’t sound funny, but it is. It really, really is!!

6. Just One of the Guys (1985) – While gender swapping in movies has been overdone, few have the charm of Just One of the Guys. Terry is a frustrated writer, and becomes annoyed when her article doesn’t make the cut for a school contest. She thinks it’s because she’s a girl. So what does she do? She enrolls in a rival school and submits her article as a boy. Hijinks ensue. And, this movie has the greatest eighties villain of all – William Zabka (of Karate Kid fame).

7. Xanadu (1980) – I don’t know that I would classify this as a little known movie, but I know it was a flop. I, however, loved it, and still do. Olivia Newton-John in a roller skating musical?! Who could resist that?! It would take waaaay too long to attempt to explain the premise of this movie, but in a nutshell, Olivia plays Kira, a muse who inspires Sonny to open a nightclub. How is that for summing it up? The great thing about this movie is the music. I have the soundtrack on vinyl, cassette and CD!

8. Used Cars (1980) – This is such an underrated film. It is a comedic masterpiece, and has one of the best driving set pieces ever put on film, plus an extremely climactic ending! The characters in this film are slimy used car salesmen, led by Kurt Russell, but you can’t help but love them. Jack Warden plays the Fuchs brothers. Luke Fuchs owns the lot with the good guys, and Roy Fuchs, his evil twin, owns the lot across the street. Roy desperately wants to take over his brother’s failing business, and it is up to Kurt Russell and friends to save the lot from Roy’s evil clutches. If you guys haven’t seen this movie, you must! Rent it! Check it out from the library! Whatever! But put it on your must-see list!

9. Quicksilver (1986) – What would an 80’s list be without a Kevin Bacon film? Since there are so many, it wasn’t difficult to find one that was a little less known than others. In Quicksilver, Kevin plays Jack, an ex-stock market whiz who becomes a bike messenger after losing his shirt (and his nerve) in the market. It has great bike scenes, and it’s a surprisingly touching movie as Jack tries to regain his nerve and self-respect in order to help a friend.

10. Grease 2 (1982) – Another flop makes my list. I had to put this one on here. It’s the first movie in which I ever saw Michelle Pfeiffer. And some movies are just so bad that they are incredibly entertaining. I don’t even want to embarrass myself by telling you all how many times I’ve scene this one, but who could resist such musical gems as “Let’s Score Tonight” and “Reproduction.” You can’t beat that!

11. Lucas (1986) – As a former 80’s girl who had a crush on one of the Coreys (Haim), I had to include the best movie of his career. This is a very touching portrayal of a nerdy boy (we can all relate to that on some level) who hopes to gain acceptance in high school by not backing down against the school bullies. Lucas attempts to make the football team by befriending a new popular girl. Unfortunately, he falls in love with her while she falls in love with his protector (Charlie Sheen), the school football star. It’s a great movie that touches on the difficulties of growing up. That’s what makes it timeless. (Note: This is Winona Ryder’s debut film.)

12. Baby Boom (1987) – This film really takes the urban yuppy theme from the 80’s and runs with it. Every woman wants to have it all, and Baby Boom delves into whether or not that is actually possible. Diane Keaton plays a corporate executive known as the “Tiger Lady.” She is on the verge of becoming partner with her company when she inherits a baby from her English cousin. Now, she must figure out how to juggle motherhood and corporate life. The movie definitely heads into fairy tale land, but it still ends on a great note. Plus, I love Diane Keaton in just about anything.

13. Night of the Comet (1984) – Okay, this is another one of those completely implausible guilty pleasure movies. A comet passes through the Earth’s atmosphere, creating a brilliant light show. The last time this comet passed by was over 65,000,000 years ago – about the time the dinosaurs disappeared. Anyone see where this is going? You got it! After the comet passes through, the only people to survive are those who were protected behind steel walls and didn’t see it. These people would be – a cheerleader, a valley girl, and a truck driver. Why not? Now they have to figure out what happened to everyone and figure out how to survive. But watch out for all those zombies! Okay, this really sounds ridiculous, but it’s entertaining. I promise!

The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

I don’t know what has happened to me over the past few years, but it seemed like once I hit age 30, that filter between my brain and my mouth has been working less and less. I have decided to find it liberating that I now say what I think. Others may have a different opinion.

Today, I went to Caribou. You all know how much I LOVE Caribou! And all of my favorite people were working. I saw Aaron who is supposed take me out on Friday away from the kids. Last time we went out, I drove and Aaron got drunk at Beanology. He is soooo driving this time. But I digress.

It’s always fun when I drive up to Caribou and hear, “Oh! It’s the Passion Party lady!” I often wonder what people are actually thinking. I imagine it’s something like, “Dude! Seriously? She’s the sex expert?” I only say this because when I hit Caribou first thing in the morning, it’s usually before I have done my hair or put on make-up.

I ordered my usual large turtle mocha with skim milk. The girl working turned to me and said, “You do realize the skim milk doesn’t make up for all the chocolate in that drink?” I immediately flipped her off and said, “I do NOT need your criticism!” I mean, come on! I have to have a few indulgences. Besides, Aaron has chastised me enough for this over the last two years.

They must have felt bad. Either that or they just love me because I’m the sex lady, because they gave me my drink for free. FREE!! Free Caribou coffee! That is a better way to start off your day than morning sex!

After that, I took Georgia grocery shopping. She was pissed. I really think I am going to have to start doing the shopping by myself after Eric gets home. Georgia really hates being confined to a shopping cart, and has no inhibitions about sharing her discomfort with the rest of the store. She was also pissed because it was cold and I dressed her in layers. I have told you in the past how she loves to run around naked, so you can imagine how annoyed she was with the added clothing. I had to sing Edelweiss and Itsy Bitsy Spider all through the grocery store.

Then, I really thought I deserved a treat. I wanted Crab Rangoon. I had a STRONG craving. So, I drug Georgia kicking and screaming to Dillons, which has a kick-ass Chinese kitchen. They had five Crab Rangoon left. I got four of them. And this was self-control. When I was pregnant with Georgia, I would buy them a dozen at a time.

Now, have you ever been somewhere and felt someone’s death stare on the back of your head? I got that feeling today. It was the woman behind me in line. When I was paying, I heard her order Crab Rangoon, and express her displeasure (while staring at me) that there was only one left. Lady! Seriously? It takes them four minutes to make more. I would have parked my happy ass and been glad they were fresh. Instead she sighed loudly while shooting me homicidal glances and said, “I guess I’ll just take the one you have left.”

Well, whose fault is that? Next time, she should get there before me. I walked off silently, and Georgia and I went home and enjoyed our Crab Rangoon.

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Oh, there are just so many directions I could go with that title, aren’t there?

After four days of gray, cold gobbledy gook, today was . . . . well, it was still cold. But the sun finally came out. I was so happy that I could get out today. Then once I was out in the 15 degree weather, I realized I must be completely insane and went back home as fast as possible. It is too cold!

My favorite quote of the day came from a nurse at my doctor’s office. I went in this afternoon, and the main roads had given way to slush rather than sheets of ice. The nurse made the comment, “I sure hope it doesn’t get cold enough tonight for all of this to refreeze.”

Lady, are you serious? It’s 15 degrees!!! And the low tonight is supposed to be -2!! That's NEGATIVE 2!!! I think it might refreeze.

I came home after my doctor’s appointment and made dinner (mini Italian meatloaves – yum yum). They were very quick, so it was soon time to force feed Eli. I don’t know if I have mentioned it before, but the boy does not like to eat. He waits until his stomach is growling, and then he takes a few bites of food until his tummy is not growling anymore, and then he is done. I really wish I could practice that philosophy.

At age four, however, I am concerned the child is going to starve. Since he was a preemie, I have been concerned from the first day of his life that he is not getting enough to eat. I have been force feeding him ever since. When I get him to take a bite of something new, he will fight with me, and then finally give in complete with protests and gagging noises.

Tonight’s mini-meatloaves were no different. Eric was trying to get him to eat, so I didn’t exactly see what went on, but I could hear the gagging sounds as he tried dinner. Then I heard, “I throwed up.” Uh-oh. I went in to see what was wrong. Eli claimed he threw up, but Eric said he was faking it because he didn’t like dinner.

I told Eric there was a difference between spitting it out and throwing it up. Eric still maintained Eli was faking it, and told him to try another bite. So, in went another bite. And up it came. I said, “He is NOT faking it!” He makes gagging noises, and even spits out his food when he is faking it, but the only time he ever says, “I throwed up,” is when he has thrown up!

Eric and I continued to debate for awhile about exactly how manipulative our son actually is. Eric decided the best solution was to put him to bed. Because if he really did throw up and he’s sick, he needs to go to bed. And if he’s faking it, it will teach him a lesson if he’s immediately sent to bed.

You can imagine how well that went over. Especially since Georgia was still up and loudly chasing the cats around screaming, “MEOW!” She mimics the animal sounds on her See and Say. Remember See and Say? When we were little, it had a pull string. Now it has a lever because apparently, too many children strangled themselves. Anyway, remember “The cat says MEOW!” That is exactly how Georgia says it. It’s amazing!

But I digress. Eli finally went to bed, and we never did decide for sure if he was faking throwing up or if he just really detests my cooking that much. I guess if the preschool calls after lunch and tells me that Eli just threw up his peanut butter and jelly sandwich, we’ll know he was telling the truth.

Monday, January 15, 2007

I despise winter. I really, really, really do. This weekend has been a mix of sleet, freezing rain and snow. It’s not even the precipitation that bothers me. It’s the deathly, bone-chilling cold. About this time every year, I get the unbelievable urge to move to Phoenix. Yet I stay in the Midwest. Why is that?

Anyway, we got out early yesterday when it was just sleeting and went to the library. After leaving, Eli told daddy he needed to go to the dropbox to drop off his pretend DVDs. Eric looked at the cars behind us and said, “I am sooo not doing that.” Apparently (unlike me), he cares if he looks crazy to complete strangers.

After that, we made a quick Target run, and we have been holed up in the house ever since. I was supposed to have a Passion Party tonight, and I had my edible body pens, vibrating bath balls and massage candles packed up and ready to go. Unfortunately, the hostess called about an hour and a half before the party and said she wanted to reschedule because of the weather. At least she caught me before I put mascara on and loaded up my car.

That’s probably best since Eli has a cold, and he is a little drama king if I have ever seen one. I know Eric breathed a sigh of relief when he found out I was staying home. Last night, we drugged Eli up and gave him ear drops and I rocked and rocked him. Of course as soon as the medicine kicked in, he was wide awake and ready to play.

That’s what I’m afraid will happen tonight. I’m ready for bed, but Eli is cranky and yelling at Georgia for “being mean.” When I asked how she was being mean, he responded, “She’s touching MY cars!” Well sweet Jesus, let’s just take her out back and shoot her.

It still escapes me how you get a four-year-old to understand the concept of sharing.

Now, it’s time for a rousing game of “Are you thinking what I’m thinking?” Anyone who ever watched Pinky and the Brain will appreciate this.

Eli thinks it’s fun to say “Are you thinking what I’m thinking?” and then Eric and I see what creative answers we can come up with. For example, I just said, “Yes, sweetie, but I don’t know where we’re going to find 50 pounds of bananas and a tutu on a Sunday night.” Eric responded with, “Yes, but Eli, I don’t know how you expect me to fit that much sand in the back of our car.”

Then Eli giggles. Oh, how we entertain ourselves. Tomorrow, I desperately need to get out of the house. I may ice skate to the mall.

Saturday, January 13, 2007

We all know it’s annoying when we get a tune stuck in our heads that we can’t get out. Well, it’s even more annoying when it’s a children’s song. Does anyone out there ever watch Pinky Dinky Doo on Noggin? I’m guessing if you have children under the age of six, you know what I’m talking about.

Pinky is a little girl who makes up stories with the help of her little brother. That’s the premise. There is a storybox song that she sings in every episode, and I have had it stuck in my head for three days!!!! The worst part of it is that the first day, I could only remember the first line of the song. Not cool. I even goaded Eli in attempting to sing the rest of it for me, but that got me nowhere, and of course, I couldn’t get it to play online for whatever reason. (Although, I can today. Grrrr.) So, we sat down and watched Pinky today. The song goes like this:

Yesaruney, posituney, we’re going to the story box!Where Pinky’s really good at making up storiesAnd every story rocks!(Story rocks!)

Simple, I know. Which is probably why it’s been stuck in my head for three freaking days!!!!

I have tried to purge it from my brain by singing tons of children’s songs today to the kids. We even did a round of Old MacDonald. That’s no easy feat in my house. Singing Old MacDonald with my children is like a round of 99 bottles of beer on the wall. It keeps going. And going. And going. Plus, Eli is waaaay too smart. He chooses animals which I have no idea what sound they make. I went through your regular pigs, cows, horses, chickens, then Eli started choosing animals. His first one? Condor. Isn’t my son amazing? Still, I had no idea. I finally went with squawk, squawk. Hopefully, that is somewhere close!

Now, I am going to put the kids to bed early, sit in front of a nice fire, and pray that the current ice storm doesn’t take out our power.

Don’t forget to head over and check out the Animal Edition of The Bestest Blog Carnival over at It’s A Blog Eat Blog World!

I do hope you all will head on over to It’s A Blog Eat Blog World, and peruse the entries! Mo spent a lot of time collecting entries from the far corners of the blogosphere. Even yours truly has an animal encounter that I entered in the blog carnival!

Friday, January 12, 2007

Well, it’s that time again. Time for those damn Girl Scout cookies. After today, I think it is official – I am a cookie whore.

Every year, the little girls come around in November with their little sign-up sheets. And you don’t have to pay until you get the cookies – that’s part of their racket! Since you haven’t shelled out an arm and a leg yet for Christmas, and you’re just getting in the holiday mood, buying cookies sounds like a GREAT idea.

Then, two months later, the cookies arrive. The second week in January. About the same time as your credit card bills. And just in time to kick that New Year’s Resolution of losing weight right in the ass!

This year, I decided to embrace it. I knew they were coming, and I was looking forward to my shortbread cookies. Most people do the thin mints, which I also like, but the shortbreads are my favorite.

Here is where my problem began. My neighbor called yesterday afternoon and left a message that my cookies were here! Woo hoo! I immediately started craving the shortbread. I attempted to call her back about 10 times, but there was no answer, and apparently she is the only person in the free world who doesn’t have an answering machine.

By this morning, my craving had only escalated. When I got a hold of her today, I wanted my cookies now. Well, she wasn’t going to deliver the cookies to me because she’s all into having her granddaughter do it, teaching responsibility, yada yada. Whatever. I wanted my damn cookies! Unfortunately, I had to wait until her granddaughter got home after her Girl Scout meeting – sometime after 5 pm. Christ almighty.

Then, I asked her what cookies we bought. When they came around back in November, Eric was the one here. She told me that he ordered Thin Mints, Cartwheels, and Lemon something-or-others.

What? What about my shortbread cookies?!! Eric didn’t order me any shortbread cookies?

Oh, hell no!!

As luck would have it, our neighbor happened to have extra boxes, so she was able to include a box of shortbreads. Little did she know that she saved my husband’s life.

After that drama, I took Eli to preschool, and I stopped dead in my tracks when I walked in the door. There was a huge table of Girl Scout cookies right in front of the director’s office. I saw boxes of shortbread cookies! Thank God! Then I noticed the sign – “Cash and carry.” I checked my wallet, and I had exactly $1.00. Double crap!

Denied again, Georgia and I went to the grocery store. Every year at this time when I go to the store, there is a small army of Girl Scouts camped out front with cookies. This year, nothing! Arggghhh! At least I was able to get cash, so when I went to pick Eli up, I could get a box of cookies.

I was there early, but when I walked in, (are you ready for this?) no freaking shortbreads! I compromised, and got a box of those new Thanks-a-lot cookies. At this point, I needed something. They’re not bad, but not what I was craving.

Finally, at 5:22, there was a knock at the front door. My shortbread cookies had finally arrived. Yippee freaking skippy!!

Thursday, January 11, 2007

After being sick, my house looked like a tornado hit it! These are just a few things I picked up today while cleaning.

1. Barbell – I am not sure why both children think my barbells are fun toys, but I always find them in odd places. Just for the record, it hurts like a bitch to stub your toe on one.

2. Red lace nightie – This is something I used to wear. In my thinner days. And before I had children. Now Eli likes to use it for dress-up and pretend he’s a princess. (No comments from the peanut gallery on this one.)

3. Dinner fork – Georgia likes to help me unload the dishwasher. Unfortunately, the stuff she takes out never gets put away.

4. Sippy cup lid – I found only the lid because Georgia had previously dumped an entire sippy cup full of orange juice on the carpet.

5. Wiggles underwear – No, not mine. Unfortunately, they don’t make sexy Anthony underwear in my size. But for some reason, Georgia likes to run around with Eli’s underwear on her head. As long as they’re clean, I’m okay with it.

6. Unmatching socks – I buy socks every freaking week at Target. It’s just easier to buy new ones than it is to search the house for mates. I also lose pillow cases once they hit the laundry, but that’s a whole ‘nother story.

7. Bungee cord – Okay, I actually use bungee cords to tie the chairs together at our breakfast bar. If I don’t, Georgia pulls the chairs out and climbs up on the cabinet. Unfortunately, Eli is constantly annoyed that the chairs are tied together, so he takes the damn bungees off faster than I can get them on.

8. 60’s bracelet – I dressed up in 60’s-ware for a fun party a few years back. Eli found my jewel-toned 60’s bracelet that is so big it takes up half my arm. He thinks the different colors give him special powers if he pushes them. Why not?

9. Popcorn – When the hell was the last time we had popcorn?!!

10. Tennis shoe – Aha! Now, if I could only find the other one!

11. Christmas ornament – I thought our tree looked extremely bare as I was unloading it. I will probably be finding ornaments hidden throughout the house until October.

12. Dora book – I took five years of Spanish, and I can barely read the Dora fairy tale princess book. I feel so inferior.

13. Bubble air bags – All my Passion Party orders come packed with bubble air bags, which is apparently the best toy EVER! Let me tell you, if I step on one of these accidentally and it pops, it scares the bejesus out of me. Nothing like raising your blood pressure a good 20 points to start off the day!

The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

After the migraine attack of 07 (that’s what I’m calling last week), the stomach flu is now making its rounds in our household. I actually had one day where I felt good. Then Eric told me yesterday he heard there was a bug going around. I blame him and his evil powers of suggestion because by last night I was tossing my cookies.

That was a serious WTF moment. Can’t I be well for one freaking day? Come on!!! I feel better now, but all I have had to eat is one piece of toast. Nothing like massive stomach flu to help you lose weight. Now if I could just exercise, I would be in business. Too bad I don’t live close enough to go to Crazymumma’s gym. After reading her post, I am seriously considering the pros of a personal trainer. But with my luck, my trainer would look like Arvid from Head of the Class,

and not like Wentworth Miller.

*sigh*

Anyway, I am seriously concerned now about the children. Although Eli is as extroverted as ever and Georgia is running around screaming in all her naked glory, I have had no less than four people tell me today, “Well, since you have been sick, it will probably go around your whole house.” Quit jinxing it, you twisted f*cks! You people are supposed to be my friends.

Of course these are the same friends that kept calling me today when they knew I was trying to nap. I had the afternoon with Georgia napping and Eli at preschool to rest. After I lied down, the phone rang (are you ready) eight freaking times!!!

I don’t want to kill people. I really don’t. But eight damn times!! Are you f*cking kidding me?! So, if any of you are wondering why I haven’t left a comment on your blog, it’s because I’m waiting for Homicidal Mama to take a backseat to Normal Mama. Hopefully, that will happen tomorrow.

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

First and foremost, this is my 200th post! Is that a crowd I hear cheering in the background or is it just those voices in my head again? Hmmm . . .

Anyway, on to my exciting tale of cleaning the house. . . okay, that sounded better in my head.

The children and I spent an exhilarating day around the house cleaning. Well, let me rephrase that. I spent the day cleaning, and they spent the day trying to see if they could get all the toys back out faster than I could put them away. I swear to God there’s some sort of baby mafia somewhere whose goal it is to train small children to destroy the parental units and drive them insane at all costs. It reminds me of that skit from MadTV – When Babies Attack.

But I digress. I decided we were going to spend the day picking up the house because last night as I was getting ready for bed, I turned the lights off in the family room. I was then faced with the task of walking across the family room in the dark. I was scared. Since I didn’t feel like taking my life in my own hands at that particular moment, I turned the family room light back on, went into the kitchen and turned the light on, then went back in the family rom to turn the light off. Again. At least then, I had the kitchen light to guide me. Ridiculous, I know. But it was better than ending up in the emergency room with 12 stitches in my foot after stepping on a Lego or building block in the dark. Those little f*ckers are sharp.

So, that was my motivation. But in picking things up and organizing everything, Eli and Georgia came across a few toys that had not yet been taken out of their boxes from Christmas. The main source of entertainment was Georgia’s new “Sing With Me Elmo’s Greatest Hits.” It comes complete with a microphone so your child can sing along.

Just what I need – my children amplified. They discovered how to turn the damn thing on when I was on the phone with Stacey, whose reaction mirrored my own when she said, “What the f*ck is that?!”

Exactly.

Then she said, “Jesus, Neila, it’s no wonder you get migraines.”

Precisely.

The good side of this is that the children weren’t the only ones who found Christmas presents they hadn’t opened yet. I came across some of my stocking stuffers that I had placed up high so the children couldn’t reach them. One of these was chocolate-dipped Altoids. Have you seen these?

I am a true believer that anything is wonderful when it is deep fat fried or dipped in chocolate. These are no exception. Yum-o!! Chocolate – you do what you can to get through the day.

Monday, January 08, 2007

Just when I think I’ve gotten used to one of my children throwing a massive temper tantrum in public, they get louder.

We went to Wal-Mart today to get cat food – a quick errand. Unfortunately, the cat food is in the pet area, which is near the fish. For some reason, the children love to look at the fish. We could stand in front of the fish tanks all afternoon, and they would be ecstatic. I actually thought a Betta fish might be a good present for Eli. Eric disagrees with me and has visions of Eli taking the fish out of the bowl and accidentally flinging it across the room.

But, I digress. The children and I were parked in front of the fish until Eric had collected everything we needed, and we were ready to go. Georgia wanted to keep looking at the fish. So, the moment I turned the cart and began to veer away from the tanks, she let out a massive scream.

Oh sweet merciful crap. I was sooo not in the mood for this today. The further we got away from the fish, the louder the screaming became. And it was complete with full-bodied bucking. At times like these, I have found it best not to look at the people around me. However, since Georgia’s screams could be heard throughout Wal-Mart, and probably across the street, I didn’t really have to look around to know that every single person was staring at us. It didn't help that Eli was sitting in the cart with his eyes closed and his hands clamped over his ears to punctuate just how loud the situation was.

So, I did the only thing I could do that I knew would quiet Georgia down. I broke into Edelweiss. I think I may have mentioned it before, but the only thing that for some reason calms Georgia is when I sing Edelweiss in my very warbly singing voice.

So, my question of the day is this: Which is more embarrassing? My child deteriorating into full-bodied dry heaves complete with ear-shattering shrieks. Or loudly singing Edelweiss in public to calm her down. Just for the record, that did work. Unfortunately, I garnered just as many looks as did Georgia’s tantrum. I still haven’t decided which was worse.

Saturday, January 06, 2007

I was attempting to update my sidebar today because last week I thought of at least 20 blogs I needed to add. Today, when I sat down to add them, I remembered three. Crap. My mind is going. Who did I forget?! This is going to bug me all freaking day!

Anyway, welcome the following to my blog roll:

SQT - Very cool sci-fi blog that I often visit. I am lucky enough she visits my site often even though I am turning into a blog lurker instead of a blog commenter. Don't you hate people like me?

Well, it took four days, but I’m finally feeling better. I called Doogie’s office yesterday, and I was praying they wouldn’t make me come in. Anyone with kids knows that it is not fun to drag two children to the doctor’s office on a good day, much less when you’re suffering from a headache.

I was really hoping they would call me in a prescription for some Imitrex or something. Well, it must have been my lucky day because the nurse called back and said they had called in a prescription for Vicodin.

Seriously? They’ll call in Vicodin if you tell them you have a headache? Score! I’m noting that for future reference.

Needless to say, after picking up my prescription, I spent the better part of yesterday afternoon and evening in a drug-induced haze, which is why I didn’t blog last night. Although that would have been one interesting blog.

But I digress. I feel much better this morning, and I was so happy to be able to have a day to enjoy my family. Especially after I had this freaky-ass nightmare last night that my parents were suing for full custody of Georgia. Why can’t I have fun la-la dreams when I’m on narcotics?

Anyway, I went to get Georgia out of her crib this morning, and she was all smiles. I picked her up and said, “There’s my sweet girl! Give mommy a good morning kiss!” She leaned in and belched like a sailor right into my mouth. Nice. That’s okay, though, because nothing will ever top the time that Baby Eli threw up in my mouth. That’s a story for another day.

Georgia’s taste in music seems to be expanding. When we were in the car yesterday going to get my prescription, a song came on, and I hear clap, clap, clap. I looked back and she was swinging her head around like she was a Solid Gold dancer. It always amazes me the songs she adds to her repertoire. First Asia, and now Alien Ant Farm:

Friday, January 05, 2007

I’ve complained for two days straight now about my massive headache which I think is a combination of a messy house, two loud children, a friend’s cheating husband, no sleep, and I’m beginning to think waaaay too much caffeine. I thought caffeine was supposed to help headaches, but I’m here to tell you after a four-shot latte, a hot chocolate and some Excedrin Migraine, all it does is keep you extremely alert, so you’re awake to suffer. What kind of twisted sadist came up with that?

Anyway, today I thought I might have a chance to rest. As evidenced by yesterday’s Thursday Thirteen, rest is not something that is really an option when you’re home all day with the children.

Well, Eli had preschool this morning – first day back after the holidays, thank the freaking Lord! But I digress. After he got home, I thought this would be a perfect time for me to turn on a DVD for him, put Georgia down for a nap, drug up and lie down with a cold cloth over my head.

Even better, Eli informed me that he was “really, really tired.” Dare I hope? I could not believe it when he actually curled up in front of the TV, covered up with a blanket and fell asleep. This kid NEVER naps anymore. Mother f*cking SCORE!!!! I couldn’t believe it! I was actually going to get a nap because Georgia always sleeps for a couple of hours in the afternoon.

After Eli fell asleep, I immediately changed Georgia’s diaper and got her a bottle, put her in her crib and turned her music on. . . . . and she didn’t fall asleep. I waited. . . and waited . . . and she didn’t fall asleep. After an hour, I went in to get her. I thought maybe she had pooped. No poop. She was just wide awake and happy to see me. Grrrrr.

I changed her anyway, gave her another bottle and told her it was time for night night. She did the sign for night night as if she understood, so I put her back in her crib. . . And she didn’t fall asleep. I waited some more . . . and she didn’t fall asleep. Not only that, but she was so pissed I put her back in her room that she woke Eli up as well. I waited until I was sure I was composed enough not to toss her out the window, and I went and got her.

You know it’s not a good afternoon when you’re looking at your baby and crying, “Why do you hate me?!” She responded by giggling and poking me in the nose. The little wench.

Needless to say, I never got my nap. And I still have my headache. If it’s not better tomorrow, I’m calling my 12-year-old doctor.

Thursday, January 04, 2007

My goodness, you all have dirty minds! That is awesome! And it's probably why we get along so well.

I thought I would let you know how my toys get dirty since everyone was so curious. When I do a Passion Party, I demonstrate Gigi with lube on a rocket-shaped lube bottle (Slick Stick), so Gigi needs cleaned.

On the massage toys, like the Super Deluxe Smitten and the Amazing Hot Massager, I go around and massage everyone's arm with Cremesicle Massage Lotion or Spice Massage Lotion.

And there is a small vibrator called the Velvet Pleasure, that is great for giving yourself a little neck massage or a massage around the temples with some Tingling Tootsies cream if you have a headache. (Although it's not working for me at the moment.) So I pass that around so everyone can give it a try.

See, perfectly innocent.

Hopefully that takes everyone's minds out of the gutter for a few seconds. I am now going to take some Excedrin Migraine as I deal with Headache: Day 2.

Hello, kids! Today, I woke up with a vertigo migraine, which basically means extreme dizziness combined with extreme headache combined with nausea. It was fun. I decided that the best thing would be to relax today and not go anywhere since I didn't feel good. So, here are 13 things I did . . . while relaxing at home.

1. Made a loaf of beer bread for breakfast.

2. Cut Eli's hair. With my headache and his squirming, he's lucky he has any hair left.

3. Played Dora Candyland. I lost. But Eli cheats, so that's not really my fault.

4. Blogged.

5. Attempted to catch up on emails. I didn't quite make it.

6. Watched Days of Our Lives while laying on the couch like a zombie with both children jumping on me like a trampoline.

7. Washed dishes.

8. Engaged in 9 different telephone conversations while my face was covered with a cold cloth.

9. Cleaned four sex toys from my demo kit so they would be ready for my next Passion Party.

10. Bathed two wet octopuses children.

11. Overdosed on ibuprofen, which did absolutely nothing to help.

12. Indulged in molten chocolate cake, which made me feel a hell of a lot better than the ibuprofen.

13. Ended the evening laying in bed watching Pride and Prejudice for the 122nd time.

The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

Eli can’t stand the pigtails, which I think is funny. When I put Georgia’s hair up this morning, he took one look at her and said, “No Mommy!! Take her hair down. I don’t like it. It doesn’t look like Georgia.” I tried to explain to him that girls like to wear their hair lots of different ways, but he still seemed perturbed that I wouldn’t take it down.

This afternoon, I had bigger issues with Eli. Georgia was getting into one of his toys. And he said, “Georgia, get away. I hate you!” *Gasp* Where the hell did he learn that word?! I would have had less of an issue if he had told me to go f*ck myself. “Hate” is one word that I won’t tolerate. Hate and stupid are probably two of the worst words I can imagine.

Anyway, I talked to him for a long time about how that is an evil, hurtful word. Then, I took away his DVD player and he had to spend a long time in his room. Tonight, he had lightened his view to “I don’t like Georgia. She won’t leave my stuff alone.” That’s better, but we’re still working on it.

Now, for a YouTube video. Because what better way to insert some levity. This is the Johnson County rap. I live in Johnson County, which is your typical Kansas Bible belt, low crime, yada yada yada. That has issues in and of itself. But anyway, here is a great rap that someone came up with about Johnson County. It’s hilarious because it makes us sound like the ghetto. This would be like calling Barney a gangster. I’m not quite sure what is up with the weird little cartoon, so just ignore that. But the rap is hilarious!!

First, let me thank everyone for their support for my friend Annie. I spent some time with her today, and she is still trying to make sense of things. I think it is going to take awhile for her to work things out with her husband. I will keep you all posted. In the meantime, please keep her in your prayers.