Cunning Minx, Eve Rickert, Tamara Pincus, MSW, LICSW, William Winters discuss the issue of emotional abuse in alternative communities and how we can create awareness and maintain community for both survivors of and perpetrators of abuse at CatalystCon West #cconabuse

Last night, I was a human “book” on polyamory and BDSM for Bastyr‘s Human Library event. It’s always fun to see what questions naturopath health care providers have about alternative lifestyles, and last night was no exception.

Here are a few of the most frequently asked questions from the four groups of students I had the pleasure of chatting with last night.

What is polyamory?

The practice of having more than one long-term, loving, committed relationship with the full knowledge and consent of all parties involved.

I don’t know anything about polyamory. What do I need to know?

Nomenclature You may hear terms like non-monogamy, polyamory, swinging, progressive swinging or open. In general, “non-monogamy” is the more encompassing term; “polyamory” is general used to describe long-term, loving relationships; “swingers” are generally couples that enjoy recreational sex. However, many people find that those definitions and categories don’t exactly fit their self-identifications. Since these words mean different things to different people, you should ask for more information. “Tell me more about what that means” or “Give me the quick tour of your relationships” work great.

Relationship formations Relationships take many forms, so don’t assume anything. Ask, “what does that look like?” or “give me a quick tour of your relationships.” You might hear the terms triad (three people in intimate relationships with each other), vee (a relationship formation in which A and B are together and B and C are together, but A and C are just friends), W (an extension of a vee), quad (four people in an intimate relationship with varying configurations), polycule, network or tribe. Feel free to ask for more information, since no two people use these words the same way.

Sexual orientation Polys might be heterosexual, heteroflexible, homosexual, bisexual, bicurious or anything else in between. Don’t assume that all non-monogamists are bisexual. Rather than asking “are you bisexual” (assumes a stereotype), ask “what is your sexual orientation?” I once had a gyny who casually asked, “Do you sleep with men, women or both?” I said, “both,” to which she replied, “good for you!” It was refreshing to have a health care professional that wasn’t making the assumption that everyone was straight, monogamous and vanilla.

Sleeping arrangements People pair off or have three-or-moresomes according to preferences and lifestyle arrangements. Each relationship falls to its own level, so don’t assume that everyone in a network is sleeping with everyone else (although that may be the case), and don’t assume that all sex is group sex.

STIs The rate of STI occurrence is actually lower in non-monogamous communities than in the general public, primarily because the issue is addressed openly and honestly. So please don’t assume that the people involved are at a higher risk for STIs (although some are).

How can I get patients to give me this information?

Design a question on your intake form that asks about the relationship structure and offers the options of monogamous, non-monogamous and polyamorous.

Orally, keep in mind that most polys won’t bring this up with a doctor because (a) unless you’re a gynecologist, it’s not really relevant or (b) there is a stigma that can lead to uncomfortable questions. So try asking, “What is your relationship configuration?” or “What is your relationship structure?” Polyamorists are used to everyone (including health care providers) assuming everyone is monogamous and are therefore more likely to see the question as a chance to open up about their non-monogamy.

What is BDSM?

Four initials represent three word pairings: bondage and discipline; dominance and submission; sadism and masochism. Participants in BDSM enjoy activities ranging from impact play such as spanking, slapping or flogging to bondage to fetishes such as medical play or age play. Power exchange dynamics in which one person consensually asserts power over another (dominance and submission) is quite common. I prefer the encompassing term “kink” to refer to everything that mainstream society sees as weird or fringe.

How do I get patients to confide their BDSM proclivities to me?

In most cases, they won’t. And I’ve never discovered a good way to ask about kink affiliations without it sounding like a come-on.

What if they have bruises? How do I distinguish between consensual play and abuse?

Most of us are taught to either make sure bruises don’t show or to make jokes about them. I usually just tell people the truth–that getting them was a lot of fun on date night!

But you can use the opener, “Were those bruises consensual?” which signifies to a patient that you’re aware of the idea of consent in BDSM activities. As you’re aware, most survivors of abuse will make excuses, whereas a kinkster will most likely smile nostalgically at the memory of the kinky play.

Listener Miz B wrote in to ask how to safely explore the kink community: exploring interest, finding a dominant partner, and telling the current partner about the kink activities.

Enter the fabulous Mollena, co-author of Playing Well with Others, a book that explains the anatomy of the kink community and gives advice on what to expect for fun and safety.

46:00 Wrap up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? 🙂 Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

Check out the awesome new Beyond the Love conference, November 15-17 in Columbus, Ohio. Educational sessions, social events like poly speed dating and poly prom and the attendee-directed poly summit!

I’m presenting at CatalystCon on how to be a part-time sex educator Sept 27-29

7:45 Interview: Cheyenne Picardo, producer of Remedy

Cheyenne Picardo chats about her indie film Remedy, a semi-autobiographical tale of her experiences being a pro domme and pro submissive at a house in New York City. I saw it at the Seattle Erotic Arts Festival this year; the next showing is at Berlin Porn Film Festival. If you want to help cover licensing fees so Cheyenne can show the film more broadly, click here.

38:00 Happy Poly Moment

J tells the story of his girlfriend’s first poly experience and exploring her guilt about telling him about it as well as his joy that she did!

41:00 Feedback

Taking you out with the poem from IW called Thinning Locks

Wrap up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? 🙂 Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

LustyGuy cohosts! And for some reason, we start talking about anal dildos.

2:00 Topic: I’m new to poly and kink and trying to date a monogamous partner covertly

Jason writes in to ask advice. He’s new to both poly and kink. He’s in love with a new married partner who identifies as monogamous, sees him without her husband’s consent and claims to no longer love her husband.

Minx mentions NLE = New Lifestyle Energy. The pull and power of the first poly and/or kink relationship can be exhilarating and overwhelming… and can lead to some bad decisions.

19:00 Wrap up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? 🙂 Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

In the U.S., celebrating the overturn of the Defense of Marriage Act. Now if gays are married in the nine legal states, the federal government must also recognize the union with the same rights accorded to straight couples.

3:55 Interview: Laura Antoniou

Laura Antoniou on her new murder mystery novel set at a BDSM convention, The Killer Wore Leather.

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? 🙂 Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

Week BiWeek felt the casual tone LustyGuy and I took for the Consent Is Sexy episode was inappropriate to the seriousness of the topic.

Edward, a self-named ” 55-yo, cigar smoking, martini-drinking, Republican-voting, $5,000 suit wearing Wall Streeter and military consultant,” writes in to say that sleep sex is never appropriate without consent and also that hearing a verbal affirmation that a woman wants him is indeed sexy

Vir writes in to say that Alyssa’s original article was indeed a rape apology: “I think that what she did in her article was make excuses for rape. She did call him a rapist and she did convince him that he was a rapist. But because he was a friend, she didn’t want it to be all his fault and so she tried to blame the wider community for not training men better not to rape. That right there is aiding and abetting ‘rape culture’ if not, strictly, engaging in ‘rape apology.'”

Amos is a new listener who finds that the advice on the podcast applies to those outside poly as well.

40:00 Wrap up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY (our new number!). And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? 🙂 Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

Ian asks: please explain the multi-partner dynamic as it exists in the kink world, and how it is different (or similar) to the poly. (There are many polys who are not kinky, many kinky who are not poly, and many many monogamous people who are kinky and have issues participating in the kink community.)

Emma asks: I’ve been asked to do scenes with people who are “sexually monogamous” with their partners. Lots of conversation about what activities count as sex ensues, but I’m still nervous to play with monogamous people. What if something is improvised in the moment and crosses that line? What if something feels sexual to me but not to them?

Herb asks: Have you actually seen or heard of a fetish that surprised you?

James asks: What if someone wants to try something scary (breath play) but is worried about past sexual abuse issues it could bring up?

More questions for Tristan? Ask them on her weekly live radio show, Sex Out Loud, Fridays at 5:00 PM Pacific on VoiceAmerica Talk Radio Network.

37:40 Happy Poly Moment

Cysteine shares a happy poly moment.

Thanks

Thanks to Carina and Jason for their donations!

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY (our new number!). And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? 🙂 Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

I’ll be giving Content Creation for the Online Activist at CatalystCon September 14-16 in Long Beach

3:30 Tristan Taormino on the Ultimate Guide to Kink

Tristan Taormino, award winning author, columnist, editor, filmmaker, sex educator and editor, shares her insights on her new book, the Ultimate Guide to Kink. Tristan shares why she decided to write the book, why she decided to use an anthology format, and who should read the book.

Also, the book is split into two parts: skills/techniques and fantasies/fetishes—Tristan shares why and what you can expect in each section.

Where can you buy the Ultimate Guide? Your local sex-positive store such as Smitten Kitten or Babeland.

33:30 Feedback

David took issue with Grammar Girl’s explanations of “jealousy” versus “envy”. That full podcast episode is here: Jealousy vs Envy

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY (our new number!). And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? 🙂 Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

Also, I’ll be speaking on Content Strategy for the Online Activist at CatalystCon

6:00 Topic: 50 Shades of Myth

If you’ve been hearing about 50 Shades of Gray, you know that it’s pretty lame and inaccurate. Not surprising, as it was written by a fanfic writer with absolutely no experience in or research into BDSM at all. And this article goes into the assumptions about how and why people engage in BDSM that the book gets wrong.

21:15 Feedback

E from Sweden writes in with more marriage stats.

23:00 Wrapup

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? 🙂 Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!