The term "Super Fan" is putting it mildly. There is not a SINGLE episode of The Bachelor/Bachelorette that I have NOT seen.

Tuesday, January 24, 2017

Taco Spas...

Ugh, the Living Room Peanut Gallery missed the first part, did Vanessa confront him? The recording started as he gave Corinne the final rose (duh) and said goodbye to…

Christen got sent home. Don’t care. Get your hair under control, girl. She is forcing these tears so hard right now, mercy.

Brittney didn’t understand why girls cry on the show, now she does. I actually really liked Britney. She obviously didn’t last long enough for me to learn how to spell her name correctly, but she’ll probably show up on Bachelor in Paradise. Speaking of which, I’m calling it right now: Josephine is going to be the STAR of BIP. We all know she’s only got one or two weeks left on this season…

Corinne gives a toast, post-rose-ceremony: “We should take every day as…. Great.” I don’t even know what Corinne was saying in this toast. This is a weird edit. And now she’s eating her rose. Oof.

Speaking of edits and Corinne, did anyone else notice the pick-up interview they used of her throughout this whole episode? That interview where she had the Z Gallerie backdrop and was wearing a black top, had heavier eye liner than usual? That was a pick-up interview. Cause we got her commenting throughout the entire episode from that one sitting (in addition to the interviews of her outside the farmhouse and inside the barn later that night) – did you notice that? It just means that the producers were building the episode in post and realized they needed more soundbites of her, so they made her sit down and record some more shade throwing… Obviously they quickly handed her a glass of wine. This girl knows she’s good TV.

Also shoutout to Remote Living Room Peanut Gallery Member Ashley, who pointed out that Corinne was in a Juicy J music video, circa 2011. Yes, Juicy J, the guy that comes in on that Katy Perry "Dark Horse" song with "She's a beast. I call her karma..."

We open with Josephine sitting in the mansion living room, saying basic millennial generalities for which I do not have time. Something about how Nick is narrowing down the women, he’s looking for a wife…

JOHNNY, as a young girl: THEY HAVE CHEESE CURD THERE! THEY HAVE BEER! THEY HAVE PEOPLEEEE!

Living Room Peanut Gallery is loving the height of basic that is Jasmine’s shirt that reads “Farmer’s Market.”

Live your best basic life, Jaz.

Nick goes to meet Ma and Pa Viall and Johnny immediately asks the Living Room “would it surprise you to know that Nick’s Mom is an aspiring country singer? Cause I feel like she’s about to announce that to us…” Ohhhh she has a nose ring. How trendy and progressive, Ma Viall.

Ma Viall is a crier and I’m here for it. She’s also apparently kind of crying because she’s worried that Nick is going to be Forever Single.

My parents too, Nick. My parents too.

As I’m watching Nick tell the women that he’s taking Danielle L on a date, I’m thinking how weird it must be for the bachelor to see all the girls hanging onto each other like BESTIES, knowing that if you do ONE of them wrong, she’ll tell the others.

One on One Date: Danielle L

Wait, Danielle L’s laugh is the ACTUAL worst thing ever. We all now know that the “L” in Danielle L is for nervous LAUGHTER and –

You guys… the Nick-erdoodle. I’m not even mad that it looks like someone doodled an alien out of silly string. You know I’d eat that thang. The other day at the office, Smith asked me if I would take care of something, and when I told him it was already done, he said, “Of course it is. Cause you’re unstoppable.” I thought about it for a moment, and said, “Actually…” He finished, “You’re very stoppable. I’d stop you with cookies in a heartbeat.”

It's terribly true.

I’m upset that Nick’s ex-girlfriend Amber chose this shirt to wear today. What is going ON with the back of that thing, right now? I wonder how production even got this girl’s contact info. Is Andi coming up on the next episode? (Did I tell you guys how I read Andi’s book? I read it when Josh Murray went on Bachelor In Paradise cause I love a good self-assigned research project. It was as good as those books usually are. I’m still a little upset for her life that she chose to leave a job as a practicing lawyer for reality TV fame, but that’s neither here nor there…) I wish that Rachel had been with Nick when he ran into ex Amber; she’d ask way better questions.

Ok wait… Danielle and Nick were lying in that field, talking about all their firsts… and then Nick goes “Chrissy…” and then they started kissing. That’s what happened, right? Or did he say something else? Kiss me? That was weird.

I YELPED when I saw Danielle’s choice of dress for the evening portion of this date. DOES YOUR MOTHER KNOW THAT YOU’RE WEARING THAT? (I used to yell that to freshman girls leaving the dorms on Friday nights when I was in college)

At this point, I started threatening to turn on closed captions because Carolyn and Johnny had started throwing out one liners. Nick asked Danielle if she had flaws and Johnny whispered, “IBS…” Carolyn said “I listen to Creed....”

Danielle said she didn’t want to “research anything about Nick,” before coming on the show…

It’s 2017. You don’t NOT research EVERYTHING. Come on.

CAROLYN: At this point I’m wondering if she even HAS nipples, because wouldn’t we have seen them by now?”KIMBERLY: If she wears that in Milwakee, what does she wear in Vegas?

Danielle gets the rose. So we have to put up with her laugh for at least another week.

So they’re on a farm. Nick “thought this would be really fun.” Read: The producers knew this would be GREAT television for Corinne.

Josephine with the white pants and Jasmine with the white sweater… WHY. (I mean, I know WHY, but WHYYYYYY)

Aw man, I was really thinking this was one of those competition dates… They’re just pretending to shovel animal crap. I’m bored. Obviously Corinne is well (enough) versed in “millennial brat” to call her “cold hands” a “medical problem” that involved “losing circulation.” I bet she missed a lot of school due to “medical problems.” Let’s also address that he is still calling feces “poopie.” Mercy.

Kristina was clearly primed to tell Nick all about her past… and he told her they didn’t have time. Has a bigger Bachelor emotional shutdown ever happened? I guess there was that time Sarah H. showed Sean Lowe pictures of her family and he responded by… sending her home. But still, oy vey.

Listen, I’m not surpised by Corinne’s inability to be articulate when she addresses the group (see: her post-rose-ceremony toast) but she spits a BIG game in her interviews when she says, “Watch me, I’ll be sweet and fake right back to those women. Two can play that game.” And then she proceeds to be neither fake nor sweet, just… dumb. Her announcement to them was dumb.

Meanwhile Vanessa shows Nick a book that her students made… When she said, “I have something I wanna show you,” I was SO scared that she was going to whip out a microphone and sing. I know we’d already established that she was normal, but MAN I got real scared there, for a second.

Sarah calling out Corinne right now is EVERYTHING. She was so cordial and articulate and I am SO here for it. Also she has the widest eyes I’ve seen since Sarah Hyland.

Rachel looks like she’s unraveling… HANG IN THERE, RACHEL. I’m also a little concerned about how her dress is fitting. Or rather, NOT fitting, right now. But thank goodness none of those tears spilled onto her face. (On second thought, I could've used tears on her face as points for my fantasy team, but for her actual human morale, I'm glad she didn't cry)

Kristina is pulling ZERO punches in her confrontation of Corinne. Whatta dish, whatta doll. Out of the major Corinne confrontations this week (Sarah, Kristina and Taylor) and Kristina is by far and away the most articulate. Also after spending all that breath telling the girls to say things to her face, Corinne literally walks away from the conversation with Kristina. I’ll say it again: she’s GREAT TV. This whole corn husk thing? Great TV. She knew America would latch onto a vegetable soundbite, just like we did with Onion Ashley. I'm here for it.

The LRPG agrees that Nick looks exhausted. This is the most tired we’ve ever seen him.

JOHNNY: This is the most I have ever related to Nick.

We were all FLOORED by Krystina getting the rose. Johnny was especially happy because she’s (one of the only girls left) on his team.

One On One: Raven

Raven seems so nice. I still wish she had been the villain. Johnny thinks she has dead eyes.

The date said “get your kicks,” Raven just suggested that they might be playing baseball. I’m mildly concerned about the disconnect, but I’ll let it happen.

The LRPG is all pretty concerned about the age difference between these two siblings – how old is Bella? That is a LOT of time for Ma Viall to be giving birth to kids when she needs to be focusing on her country music career…

Can we talk about how Nick straight up bolted away from the goal, when they were supposed to be blocking goals? Doesn't bode well for fatherhood...

GRACE: How did they get appearance releases from all those kids?

JOHNNY: THEIR PARENTS ALL WANT THEM TO BE FAMOUS.

I really don’t know what’s going on with Taylor in her bikini and Danielle being fully clothed, with their feet in the tub during this conversation but I don’t care enough to be mad about it.

WHY WAS THERE A CHILD IN THAT ARCADE GAME JUST NOW?
Also: Bella is obvs the future Bachelorette. Let’s just get that on the table right now.

Raven really isn’t present during this whole day. Except for when she tells Nick about catching her ex-boyfriend cheating, but we’ll get to that in due time…

There are SO many straps on that dress that Raven wore to dinner. There aren’t even that many straps in my closet, what is happening?

Also: How did Nick get so sunburned?

Raven then goes on to describe ASSAULT AND BATTERY and she and Nick are… kind of laughing about it. Literally assault and battery. Stiletto to the head. Mercy.

WHY IS THAT DRESS SO STRAPPY?

Rose Ceremony:
First things first: I would NOT go near that fire cause I would NOT want my hair smelling like smoke for the next 24 hours. No ma’am, I would NOT.

Did Josephine just say “hyper-critical” or “hypocritical?” seriously no idea. And Corinne and Josephine gnawing on snacks is perfectly fine with me.

Ohhhh how is Taylor gonna handle this confrontation with Corinne?? Will her Johns Hopkins master’s degree pay off? Also… I love how she doesn’t seem to realize that the more she confronts Corinne, the more she sets herself up to go on the two-on-one date with her. I’m calling it right now. I'm mostly disappointed in this confrontation. I expected more from Taylor. She talks about Corinne's self-awareness, and I wonder if that is the first time anyone has ever uttered those words on this show, but both girls seem like they've had more than a few drinks, AND the curse words are FLYING, which means the drinks must be flying…

I can't wait for Corinne's social media post where she defends managing a multi-million dollar company. Cause we all know there's no WAY she does ANY of that...

WHY DO THEY KEEP CUTTING IT OFF BEFORE THE ROSE CEREMONY? Obviously I don’t even care because I am here for it ALL.