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Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Back to the baby shiz. So there are some Big baby ishoos that people have asked me about, that I've been reluctant to talk about because they seem like the kind of things that Mummy Bloggers write about and I'm not one of those and if I write about those things then people I love will stop reading my blog and I'll be a Mummy Blogger and it will be terrible. But also because I didn't know how to write about them, things like sleep and weaning and (dear god above) breastfeeding. Those things that make parents want to die. And then someone I know whose wife has just had twins wrote to me to ask about breastfeeding and before I knew it I'd written back an epic and it turned out that maybe I had some things I needed to get off my chest and maybe some of those things might be helpful to other people struggling through the same stuff. (Or maybe not, I haven't heard back from Dan, I may have just pushed him and Clo over the edge.)

But just in case, here is a short tale of our adventures in breastfeeding....

Breastfeeding is a bitch, let's just get that out there straight away. Before the girls were born I knew I was going to breastfeed (well duh) and the only response I ever got to that from the many, many midwives I saw was a brief 'good' while they looked down and ticked the box on my notes labelled 'mother intends to breastfeed'. It was only after the girls were born and I'd been taking it for granted for NINE MONTHS that I would breastfeed them that anyone thought to tell me it might be hard or that the majority of twin mothers don't breastfeed exclusively or that the whole thing might make me sob uncontrollably

Amelia was taken away to NICU straight away after she was born as she was blue and wasn't breathing well. Normally when a single baby is taken to NICU their mother expresses milk and sends it up to the baba but that was never even suggested to me, probably because there was the small matter of another baby to feed and I'd lost a lot of blood and wasn't in the best shape. So my little Ammie was put straight on formula from her very first feed, initially through a feeding tube and then by bottle when she was ready.

Ella was still with me and was feeding fine. There's a picture of me that Nye took on his mobile phone a few hours after the girls were born. I'm topless and tiny little Ella is in one arm, feeding away on my gigantic boob and in the other hand I have a sandwich which I'm about to chomp into. Never has a sandwich tasted so good and never have I been happier than I was at that moment, feeding my baby. I didn't know it was about to go to hell. They did a blood test on Ella, to check her blood sugar levels which were promptly declared to be too low. Orders were given by the paediatrician that after her breastfeeds she be 'topped up' with formula until she was breastfeeding enough not to need it and that she must have a blood test every three hours to check her levels. There is nothing sadder than a baby, asleep and warm, being taken from your arms, having her pyjamas removed from around her skinny little bird legs and a nurse jabbing a pin into her foot. Every. Three. Hours. For five days. The memory of the bruises on the soles of her heels makes me want to punch people.

I struggled on with trying to breastfeed her but it was hard work. I was alone for most of the feeds, in a ward with five other women and five other babies and less than one midwife between us. I had lost somewhere between three and five pints of blood and it was three days before anyone thought to give me a transfusion. Every hour or so a midwife would appear to give me advise, the midwife would change twice a day as day shift melded into evening shift and with the change in midwife would unfailingly come a change in advice.

'no twin mothers breastfeed exclusively'

'it will be easy enough to wean them off formula and breastfeed them both exclusively'

'you need to feed them on demand'

'you need to feed them on a three hourly schedule'

'some mothers just can't manage to breastfeed'

'all mothers can breastfeed, it just takes time.'

Each piece of advice followed with a breezy 'okay?' that was unmistakably a statement, not a question, before the curtain around my bed swished behind them as they left. In hindsight it's no wonder that from the moment of that first blood test those were the most difficult five days of my life and I felt perpetually on the edge of a complete breakdown.

Eventually Ammie was returned to me and we were sent home. Suddenly the babies that had been inarguably the property of the hospital were ours and we were allowed to take them away. We got home and I was on a strict three hourly feeding schedule, starting each feed with breastmilk before handing the baby over to Nye to 'top up' with a bottle. I dreaded every feed, not knowing if it would go well or if the baby would utterly refuse to feed from my breast, having become used to milk flowing faster and easier from a rubber teat. When it went well breastfeeding was a high that is incomparable, when it (more often) went badly it was an exercise in disappointment, failure, inadequacy and frustration that ended with heaving sobs and self-hatred.

Despite the signs that this was Not Going Well, I was adamant that just like the midwives promised, as the babies got bigger and hungrier I would simply feed them more breastmilk while keeping the quantities of formula that they were 'topped up' with the same, but it didn't quite work like that. The girls got hungrier and I didn't produce any more milk. I continued to give them as much time as they would take at the breast, I continued to express milk between feeds and in the evenings and during meals but my efforts would result in a paltry amount of milk. And exhaustion. Finally a nurse told me that women who lose a lot of blood* during childbirth often struggle to breastfeed. That in those crucial first few days after birth their bodies are trying so hard to regenerate and replenish that their milk supply never really gets going. It only helped marginally to assuage my sense of inadequacy.

Eventually, at 11 weeks, I stopped trying. The relief was immense, and the grief not nearly as bad as I expected. I had been grieving being unable to breastfeed them almost continuously since they were a couple of weeks old, since the first time I had to increase the amount of formula we gave them to compensate for their increasing appetites and my static milk supply. My grief had been overwhelming, I was dreading every feed (and two babies multiplied by 6 feeds a day is a lot of dread) and I was achingly, overwhelmingly sad, all the time. Not being that mother to my girls was more important to me than continuing to breastfeed them. Stopping trying was allowing myself to let go of the expectations I'd had and the sense of failure that I felt.

I prickle as I write this. My hackles rise and I prepare myself for criticism. Since I left the hospital when the girls were five days old I have not once felt criticised over my inability to breastfeed my babies exclusively, not by anyone but myself. I was prepared for it, always waiting for it, but it never happened. And I'm still waiting, still expecting someone to leave me a comment saying 'well if you'd just tried harder...'. I know that someone is me, is the part of my heart that hasn't forgiven myself, that thinks if I had just tried harder it would have been possible. That thinks other people manage. To that part of myself I would like to say a hearty fuck off. It's time to let go.

*I know the phrase 'huge blood loss' might imply otherwise but I found giving birth an utterly incredible, joyous experience. It was amazing and empowering and when it was over I leaned into Nye and whispered 'let's have more.' Yes, I had the drugs, all the drugs (that's another story in institutionalised birth and a sense of failure) and when people hear that they say 'oh well, that's different'. Whatever. I gave birth twice in one day and it was fucking amazing. Then it went to hell.

86 comments:

Unless there's some way you can turn thrice widdershins, click fingers and magic up 3 pints of blood and copious quantities of milk up that no-one's told me about, of course you did more than fine.

Also, considering it felt more like 2 hours on one hour off when William was new, I have no idea how one could exclusively breastfeed twins and retain one's sanity. And I think keeping some slim grip on reality is probably fairly important.

I don't think you'll find any criticism here. You had two babies. TWO BABIES! That's pretty fucking amazing in itself. And I want to tell you never to google tandem breastfeeding again, partly because googling anything you're worried about is the enemy of sanity, and parly because this is something you will never be able to unsee.

The girls seem to be doing pretty darn well, and to my (admittedly childless and clueless) mind, that's all that matters. <3

Good lord. I barely managed to breastfeed one regular very hungry daughter, hand I had a completely intervention-free birth where my blood for the most part stayed in my body. I couldn't even leave the house for 6 weeks - my nipples felt like I had a power lawnmower for a child. The most important thing IS that you found your own way to be in the right place as a mother. If you ask Ella and Ammie in 20 years whether they'd rather have been breastfed, or have each other, dollars to doughnuts I know what they'd choose.

And, BTW, more pictures of those glorious creatures, if you please. I'm pretending to myself that I'm their great-aunt - presumptuous, but harmless:).

Breast feeding is a bitch! Great if you are a woman who enjoys it and has plenty of milk but hey, what I really hate is the breast feeding brigade - breast is best and all that jazz. Why the fuck make a woman feel bad if for some reason she can't/doesn't want to breast feed. I'd say - each to their own! Whatever works for you and your babas. Surely a happy sane mummy and happy babies is the most important thing. Cara, you have my total respect. You breastfed twins (TWO BABIES!!!!TWO!!!!OMG) for 3 months. Don't ever let anyone, least yourself, make you feel bad about that! Smooches xx

So. I don't have children, and I read your blog, but I want children some day. That someday is probably NOT that far away. But I love reading your posts. Your honesty about becoming a mother is refreshing. As long as you stay honest, the ladies you love will not stop reading. The difference between a blogger who is a mother and a so-called Mommy Blogger is the ability to keep it REAL and not always make everything sound all sugar coated and good. Because it seems like a lot of things are really difficult and nobody warns you about it before.

I don't have children yet, though I know I absolutely want them someday (when husband and I can pay our bills more easily than we can now!) but all I can think while reading this is how amazing you are and how you only deserve praise. Your body did something incredible and miraculous over the course on nine months and delivery, bringing two beautiful baby girls into the world, and you continue to do so every day in raising and caring for and loving them. Breastfeeding or not is so minimal in comparison that really, you should only ever think of yourself with praise.

(Seriously, I love all the pictures of your girls. I hope that doesn't make me sound creepy, but they are so ridiculously beautiful. I show them to husband and say "let's have one!" (and he says "eventually" because he's much more practical than I am.))

So, so true, that in all the 'preamble' to birth, there is very little REAL information on what breastfeeding might actually be like. [And of course, just like borth, it will be different for each mother, and there is no recognition of that either. Just one size fits all Breast is Best.] Personally (and this was with just one kiddo) it was hell on toast for about 6 weeks, as I struggled with a lot of pain, a bad latch, a seemingly voracious baby who liked to nurse for hours (or was maybe just using me as a dummy, who knows) and the standard sleep deprivation. Many's the night I would sit up in bed with tears of frustration and or pain rolling down my face. And then, not sure how, but it was all just OK (better than OK, enjoyable). But - if I hadn't been in the lucky position of being close enough to a major teaching hospital with twice weekly drop in clinic for BF problems, there is no way on earth I'd have made it through that initial 6 weeks. Hmm. Incidentally, there's an interesting post on weaning and depression over here: http://joannagoddard.blogspot.com/2012/02/motherhood-depression-and-weaning.html

I'm so glad that you made it through the awful phase, 'hell on toast' is so apt. We had breastfeeding support classes too but I just couldn't face it with two babies, the thought of one hungry and crying in her pushchair while the other was hungry and crying in my arms was just too much.

It sounds to me like you did an amazing job. You tried your hardest and you did what was best for you and the babies, which was stopping breastfeeding when you did. Breastfeeding is wonderful if it works out, but it's hard and not worth constant dread. So many babies of my generation in the States (including me) were formula fed and turned out fine. I breastfeed my daughter, but I had a pretty easy time after we got past the first few weeks. If I hadn't, I would have stopped. Anyway, my point is, you did great. :)

thank you so much for writing this. i had twins late december and had always imagined just breastfeeding them. but like you, the low blood sugar thing, the not-enough-milk thing, the c-section-or-baby-b-might-not-make-it thing, made me move to formula. plus no one ever said that it's hard and it hurts. yeah, i know it's not supposed to, but how can it not when you have even 1 baby sucking on a part of your body for 18 hours out of the day?

i always just thought "oh, all these people in blog and forum land exclusively breastfeed their quadruplets AND they volunteer to save baby seals in the arctic, it'll be easy for me!" ha, right. recently i posted on a forum asking for advice on how to increase milk supply, and mentioned how sometimes after a 2 hour feeding at 3am, i'd rather go to bed than try to deliriously pump. one person replied with "breast is best, why not just have someone help and sacrifice some sleep for the health of your babies?" umm, F*CK YOU! not everyone has help 24/7, if at all. i hate how it seems like if you can't breastfeed, you're choosing to put your children in danger of malnourishment and antisocial behavior from lack of bonding.

i used to think "the most important thing is to keep your babes growing and happy," and we are fortunate to live in a world where formula is pretty damn good. but it's hard sometimes when you feel like a failure and you're hearing only from the "it can be done if you're *good enough*" crowd. it's refreshing to know that i'm not the only one struggling with this.

Congratulations on having two babies! I'm so sorry you got such shit from those people on forums, I really can't stand those people and I think 'F*CK YOU' is the perfect response to them. You know what babies need first and foremost? A HAPPY HEALTHY MOTHER. The end.

you did amazingly, well done!There is such a pressure around breastfeeding. I could not believe, after struggling for 6 months to exclusively breastfeed, when I finally gave my baby some formula at 6.5 months I got such snide comments. My mother in law telling me 'oh I breastfed for 12 months exclusively', a friend commenting that my baby had his first cold because I had started introducing a bottle. ANd yes, the pressure to have a natural birth and the brushing aside when you tell people that you had the drugs and STILL had a natural experience....The best thing someone told me is - you are doing your best, that is enough...xxxxxxxxxx

I'm very newly pregnant and already terrified by the criticism I may face if I am for some reason unable to breast feed. I think I'll save this as a favorite. I'm also terrified I will not be able to not have the drugs and everyone will hate me.

Oh, my. My oldest (he is now 30) was born when I was 28 weeks pregnant, and after he had struggled his way up to the 5 pound mark, I was allowed - and determined - to breastfeed him. He had already been pampered by the "faster and easier" bottle, though, and had absolutely no interest in the effort involved in what I had to offer. I would cycle to the hospital twice a day and we would seclude ourselves, to no avail. It broke my heart, it did, and despite the fact that it was clearly not going to work, I kept trying, and trying. And crying and crying. Finally, one of the nurses said to me, "Y'know, breastfeeding is excellent, but the very BEST thing for a baby is a happy, contented, relaxed Mum." And I realised that she was right. It was such a relief.You have done brilliantly, and all you could, and the love is the thing.

Cara, I love your honest writing. I've never commented before, but today I felt compelled to tell you what a strong woman you are. You inspire me. Your family is wonderful and I think you are hilarious. Also, that pic of you at the top is beautiful. Thank you for sharing this post.

Beautifully written as usual. 31 years ago I tried to feed my son (we all knew then and still know that that breast is best ) total failure no-one told be that boobs get so large that they are as big and heavier than water melons and yes I can still remember the pain! Well done you for trying and doing it for as long as you did especially with twins. Having become a Granny again the other week I am so fed up with well meaning midwives and health visitor's. I honestly don't think they look at the mothers or the family as they seem to think that no-one has a brain, my daughter-in-law tried to feed her baby but like the first one couldn't do it and now the baby is on formula just like her father (my strapping farmer son) was and she'll be fine.Of course the male health visitor today made her feel so guilty she might as well been feeding gin to the baby. He also told her off as she didn't have the home birth which is what she wanted honestly I'm so cross do they want her to go into post natal depression having watched a sister going into the deep hole that P.N.D brings I wouldn't wish that on my worse enemy yet alone someone I love. So well done you F Off to the people including bloody health personal who never look at and see what is in front of their eyes which is happy children who are loved!

No more fear of being a Mommy Blogger, kay? You blog about everything you think of, that's the point. Your momminess is part of who you are, and you are infinitely capable of touching all of your readers (constant, and new alike) for many reasons, not just because (or UNbecause) they want to know things about babies and mommying. Or photography. Or poetry. I(we) read you because you write the way we wish we could.

PS. Two babes breastfed for 3 months = 6 months breastfeeding in half the time. If that's not impressive, I don't know what is.

Jeebus woman, you breastfed TWO BABIES for nearly three months with all that pressure?!!! I know woman who had no trouble (in comparison) and still tossed it in after 6 weeks with one baby. Breastfeeding IS hard. You are my hero!

And maybe if more women write about this stuff as beautifully and articulately as you then others will benefit from the collective wisdom xxx

Breastfeeding can be amazing but also totally a bitch! I had both. I giant hungry child and underperforming mammaries. After 8 months of round the clock feeding, paltry pumping, and formula supplements I too chucked it in. Like you I feared doing it (both breastfeeding and giving up) but then the joy of feeding intimacy and motherhood returned once I surrendered. Oh and the relief! I loved breastfeeding, but I didn't love the stress and guilt about not doing it 'well enough' for the mega child.

you know my struggles with breastfeeding. it doesn't always work out, and i've learned that that's just a fact of life.

here in the bay area, breastfeeding is a HUGE FUCKING DEAL, and sadly, i have received criticism. and i have received plenty "there's so much you could have done"s (when no one has any clue that i was feeding my baby through a fucking tube at EVERY feeding just so that she could get every last drop of what little milk my body could provide). what matters is that your babies are happy and healthy, and it looks to me like they are. truthfully, practically every baby i know is breast fed and cheech has had WAY LESS colds and sickness to deal with than all of them... fascinating, isn't it? believe it or not, you can have a VERY HEALTHY bottle-fed baby. ;)

I'm so sorry you've had to put up with such bullshit C. Breastfeeding is a pretty big deal here too, there's a lot of government pressure to breastfeed and midwives are scared of saying anything that could be construed as pro-formula because it goes against the guidelines they're issued. It's insane. I would bet big sums of money that post natal depression has increased tenfold with the Breast Is Best campaign.

You know I would never had written this post if you hadn't written yours first? you inspired me so much.

If you're a "mommy blogger," you're one of the best fucking mommy bloggers out there. I can't tell you how many times I've shared your posts with N - so brutally honest (and heartbreakingly beautiful).

we don't have kids yet. hopefully we will someday, but shit rarely goes as planned (which is where your other posts have been wonderful). but I'm so, so glad to see so many moms out there vocalizing that things can be *tough*. this stuff is GOOD TO KNOW, ya know?

I've never commented before, but wanted to add that it does sound like you did an amazing job. My baby boy is now 2 and a half months and we're having a different but also very distressing problem. I've had to return to work (yes, the system in the US is cruel and sucks) and he refuses to take a bottle. The poor kid starves himself and screams all day until I get home at 6, at which point he nurses frantically and then passes out from exhaustion. My days in the office are filled with anxiety and guilty about leaving my baby but I just can't afford to lose my job. In other words, sometimes your damned if you do and damned if you dont

hi there, i hope you read this. we are in the same boat. one thing we've found that works is breastfeeding briefly and then switching to the bottle midway through. i hold the bottle close to my breast, and she seems to accept it with little fussing. i should add that this ONLY WORKS if our daughter isn't completely exhausted and fussy. maybe you can nurse your little guy as soon as you get home, and then try the bottle/boobie combo later on in the evening, when he's gotten a bit of rest. have you tried different nipples on the bottle ? we had a real break-through when we started using bottle nipples that matched the shape of our daughter's pacifiers. DUH !

all the best to you -- feeding a baby who won't take a bottle is so very stressful.

Thanks for the help! We've tried lots of different nipples but I haven't tried switching half way through yet. I'll try this weekend and hope for a little breakthrough. He doesn't even take a pacifier, so I'm thinking it might be a texture thing. Someone suggested using a nipple shield to see if that will get him used to the different feel.

Ana, I'm so sorry that you're going through this, how horrible. It makes me furious that your system forces you back into work so soon. I hope that he figures out bottle feeding soon and whatever happens, you'll get through this phase & before you know it he'll be eating solids and milk will be but a painful memory. I promise.

thank you so much for sharing this ! breastfeeding IS SO HARD ! people think it should be so easy and natural, and it's not. i was so fortunate to have a mother that was a trailblazer in terms of breastfeeding -- she nursed all of her children proudly, though it was not popular at the time. she was so helpful and supportive during my early days of nursing.

that said, people are SO judgmental these days of mothers who choose NOT to breastfeed ! it's such a deeply personal decision, and i commend you for doing what's best for you and your family ... and for sharing your experience.

Made me cry. You tell it like it is. It didn't work out for me and I gave myself a very very hard time about it for a very long time and still do sometimes when I sit there bottle feeding my daughter. I found the notion of all this breastfeeding 'support' a bit odd - perhaps if they exchanged the word support for pressure??? There is very little genuine support and a hospital ward is not especially conducive to making you feel calm and confident that you can do this very very hard thing. Especially not if that ward is also full to bursting, and with too few staff to go around, who all say different things and somehow don't seem tuned into the fact that you might maybe be in a bit of shock/exhausted etc because of whatever you just had as a birth experience... and also especially not if you are chucked on the ward at 1am in a cubicle with no frikkin light that works and a tiny baby who just arrived 3 weeks early and you were supposed to still be at work the next day and you are in total SHOCK!!! (sorry - that was the way my breastfeeding non-experience started!)

Everything you say, from the way its a tick box for the midwives, to the blood sugar tests, to the endless unhelpful contradictory advice is exactly how it can be and its horrible.

But you have two amazing girls and you so did the right thing - you truly can drive yourself mad trying to do something that's not working and that is no good for anyone. You did the best thing for all of you.

You're welcome. And I'm sorry your experience sucked so hard. It's so true, they make no allowances for mothers being in total shock that suddenly they're responsible for a whole other human being (or two). Just because midwives see it every day I think they forget how utterly overwhelming it is for a new mum.

I don't have much to say except that you're an amazing mum and writer and fuck all the people who gave you such shitty, one size fits all advice /support, and double fuck to anyone who judges your choice to stop for sanity's sake.

Hello, wow this was exactly what happened to me when I gave birth to my (one) baby 10 months ago. I too lost loads of blood - but I was packed off home after a night. It wasn't until we were admitted back into hospital (baby with jaundice and weight loss, me with an infection)and 4 days of utter hell back on the ward that a blood transfusion was mentioned....hmmm. Anyway I too struggled on with the breastfeeding, top ups and expressing - packed the breast feeding in after 3 weeks and it was from that moment on things got much better. It's a really emotive subject breastfeeding - my mum and my NCT pals were a bit horrifed thatI'd stopped but of course they didn't know the half of it. Thanks for sharing your experience - you must have an inner core of steel to have managed for as long as you did with TWO newborns. Hats off! XXXX P.s did you notice there was no advice/support for bottle feeding mums? I had no clue...

Thank you for writing this. I hope it has helped you.I've been planning to write my experiences too and reading this has encouraged me to do so at some point. I've breastfed three babies. They have all been different. And my third was unexpectedly the hardest by far to feed. What's made me cry every time I've given birth is the dreadful support given to new mothers when it comes to breastfeeding. You are so right about all the contradictory advice. It's crazy. Each time I've been the only one to leave breastfeeding because all the other poor mums haven't really been given a chance. Sometimes mother and baby click perfectly (like my baby two) and it really does just happen like you imagine it will before you have children but my babies one and three weren't quite so straight-forward. I was really lucky to have the support with the first and the knowledge with the third to keep me going. But I really believe that breastfeeding doesn't always work well for all mums and all babies. One one hand there is a big pressure to breastfeed but on the other hand there's little proper support. Yes, it's natural but it takes practice and energy and so much time! You are an amazing mother. Know that. x

Breastfeeding is one of the hardest things I ever did. There's not enough honesty about that in fear of putting women off and a hell of a lot of stupid conflicting advice. You did amazing. I stopped at 12 weeks of fighting with horrible severe reflux onto hypoallergenic formula and although did grieve also felt that relief after months of exhaustion and battle. And now I'm 9 days into it again and we have thrush. Breastfeeding is indeed a bitch.

Rosalie! It's so lovely to hear from you. Congratulations on baby #2! I thought of you and your little and your reflux experience throughout the first few months of motherhood, in fact I kept meaning to write to you to thank you for sharing your experience because it helped so much, but I never quite managed to find the time. Anyway, thank you. And I hope that this time around it goes better for you all. I think you're amazing for persevering with breastfeeding the first time around for so long. AMAZING. x

Thank you Cara. Thankfully little Nell appears reflux free, a massive relief. And Lena is now a whirlwind almost two year old. Where does the time go?! I love your posts about motherhood, you're not a Mummy Blogger but if you were, you'd be the best.x

Thanks for your post--I was in a very similar situation (twice as much blood loss, but only half as much baby) and I'm still coming to terms with the fact that I'll never be able to breastfeed her exclusively. For me, the lowest moment came when she was screaming at the pediatrician's office and I offered her my breast to comfort her and she turned her head away and refused to take it, but then immediately took a bottle and began sucking on it desperately.

I've been lucky that with my (one) baby our feeding mix has resulted in a healthy kid and a happy (though non-life-sustaining) nursing relationship, but if I had twins I have no idea what I would have done. I got all kinds of unhelpful, conflicting advice from everyone under the sun, but the suggestion that kept me going came from the lactation consultant who saw me on the brink of tears and said, 'If the baby is hungry? Feed the baby. Everything else will be okay.'

Don't worry, I had all the drugs too. I just don't have the pain threshold required not too. I managed to breastfeed my eldest daughter until four months but supplementing with formula from about 3 months as I didn't seem to be producing enough. She soon weaned herself off the boob and only wanted the bottle. Felt guilty for months. With my second daughter she is almost 9 months and still breastfeeding, having the opposite problem now as she is refusing to take the bottle at all and hates formula! Twins, I can't even begin to imagine. I take my hat off to you and the wonderful way you are raising them x

Amen. I know we are not a religious bunch here, at least not in our online personas -- My daughter just turned one. She was born 14 weeks early (and is doing splendidly). How I wish I had said something before when I struggled with the same guilt/self-loathing/despondency/desperation (boo, that sounds so heavy, but goodness, it is too true) at my troubles with expressing milk. (She was too tiny and had a few illnesses that delayed her from being able to go to breast.) All the nurses were so understanding, and asked me all the time how things were going, but it was just... and some well-meaning friends would say, "Oh, it's because Z was born so early," but no, I attended a NICU-pumping moms group, but none of them had the milk supply issues I had -- they, too, kept increasing and increasing and increasing their supply, when I kept struggling struggling struggling. And yes, I think it's that inner voice, and not a single person can tell you what is truly right, when you have this notion in your head. I will say, the moment Z was actually feeding from me (3 to 3.5 months after she was born, we were still in the NICU), transformed me. The moments I could breastfeed were too short, though -- because my daughter had this unfortunate reflux issue which caused her to aspirate (read: milk could go into her lungs, and had once + caused aspirate pneumonia) + the thickener that was ordinarily prescribed was suddenly recalled by the FDA .. well, then we pretty much had to go on formula. I still felt terribly guilty. But you know, that was all crazy internal. I still think that, even if I tried to tell my year-ago-self not to hurt myself so much over breastfeeding and giving milk, that I'd still go nuts -- but hopefully I'd be a smidge easier on myself. I started shaking off the guilt probably just a few months ago, but I feel so immensely better -- and I hope your guilt is shaking off (shaken :)?) too :)

It is, it really is. Life's too short, my babies are happy and healthy and that's all that matters. Some people just can't produce as much milk as others, however much they pump. I remember reading the leaflet about excess milk and how if you had too much you could donate it to the milk bank for premature babies. How I laughed at that leaflet (sometimes you just have to laugh, lest you throw yourself out a window.)

You're amazing. Thanks for the honest post. And on being a Mummy Blogger: it's hard -- I don't want to be one either, but being a mother is one of my big jobs right now, and I blog. Does that make me a mummy blogger? Maybe, but that's not all my blog's about. And nor is yours. Anyway, I read you before either of us were mums, so I'm not here for the baby/boob talk. Though I do like it. Shall I ramble on more? Can you tell I haven't slept in sixteen months? Enough.I just really wanted to say how great I think you and your blog are.

As my Mum told my sister (who had to supplement with formula from the start) look around any room, can you tell who was breastfed and who wasn't? Of course not, so just do what you need to do to feed your baby!You write so well Cara, I always love coming to your blog.Jacqui

thank you! And your mum's right, it's impossible to tell. I wish that a more balanced picture of formula was presented rather than painting it as poison just to encourage breastfeeding. It makes me mad.

I hate all the criticism that goes around babies... it's kind of like when you get engaged, EVERYONE has an opinion on what you SHOULD do. Same with babies. I see how quiet my sister has to stay about following a routine with her children, I hate how people feel they have the right to tell her that it's psychologically damaging them (especially when they can see a very happy, gurgly, contented baby in her arms). I hate how she doesn't mention anything when they talk about how they will try to do it without drugs as much as possible - seriously, I wouldn't have 4 teeth out without some drugs, why on earth is there such smugness surrounding no drugs in childbirth?!

Basically, do what is right by you. A happy mum is much better for your child, how can it not be? We live in a country where formula is so much better than it used to be, medicine is so much better than it used to be, there a million and one books around telling you how to look after your child...at the end of the day, something that is making you unhappy and guilt ridden is not the right way for you.

You had two babies. Two! Not only that but when I saw them they were so happy and contented and gorgeous. You're obviously doing something right. You should be incredibly proud of yourselves.

thank you for sharing. it really is a comfort as someone who is about to take the breastfeeding journey in a couple of months. and i admittedly was a bit naive about all that goes into it and am now completely overwhelmed by all of the information on nipple confusion and such. however, i was allergic to my mom's milk and was bottle fed exclusively and think i turned out okay so sometimes it's just not in the cards. and that's okay. i'm just trying to remember that.

I personally think you did a fabulous job to try. You did your best, you tried what you thought was best as a momma, and then you did what was best for your girls and yourself. That only has one name: MOMMA! The hardest job in the world. You did good.

Two babies. Whoa. When I got my first ultrasound the doctor asked me what my plans were if we saw "two heartbeats" instead of just one. I told them straight off I'd be taking advantage of their safe-haven hospital policy and only carting one of those kiddos home. I was joking. Mostly. Probably not. In any case, TWO BABIES. I couldn't have done it. I've breastfed, and YES IT IS A BITCH: I've had thrush, clogged nipple pores (which I've had to rip off or cut away part of my nipple to get the backed up milk out and then blood is everywhere and then my baby's poo turns funny colors), mastitis and all sorts of awful, awful shit. There's no way I could afford formula so I have been pretty determined, but I also live with my mother and she's been a monster about supporting me. (In good and terrible ways.) No one is judging you. In fact, we are all inspired by your honesty and wish you'd have more compassion for yourself for not living up to whatever unrealistic expectations you set, and then we can all have more compassion for each other and stop judging each other. Two f*cking babies. I cannot imagine. You inspire me.

I just want to say that you are really the only person I want to get parenting advice from. I find myself wanting to hear all about your experiences because you're a real person with realistic expectations.

I have stumbled across your blog and really wanted to write to you after reading your breastfeeding post.

I bet you are a lovely mummy and that you have been beating yourself up so badly about it not working out quite how we are led to believe it should makes me so cross.

I had a similar experience with my first baby and ended up being encouraged to stay in hospital 10 days too long to establish 'good breastfeeding routines'.

I ended up bottle feeding him formula after 8 weeks of latching myself up to some industrial milker type equipment where feeds still ending up with a screaming, frustrated and hungry baby, a sobbing mother and bewildered father.

If I could just have 5 minutes with my new mummy self I would give her a hug and say, "look, you have to do what makes everyone happiest - bottle feeding your baby doesn't mean you aren't feeding him at all!"

A phrase I later heard to describe those women who have found breastfeeding worked for them or who have never had babies but were on the 'line to take' was 'breastfeeding nazis'. That is truly how it can feel.

I think most people would agree that where it works breastfeeding is best for everyone but a contented, satisfied baby and a happy mum has got to be most important however the feeding is happening. We are now expecting our third baby and the plan is to be out of hospital as quickly as possible and see how it goes!

Have been a reader for a while now and just wanted to thank you for sharing this post and for your honesty and your courage in doing so. I've brought three little boys home and I haven't been able to breastfeed any of them. The first time, I expressed for 3 months, the 2nd for 2 months and the 3rd time for only 1 month. Each time, I had to fight off that inevitable guilt. They're all healthy little boys, and though I'm aware that breast is best, formula is downright fantastic too. :) As one older midwife said to me: "As long as you and your baby and your family are happy!"Ronnie xo

Also, my heart breaks at the thought of her foot being pricked every three hours for five days. That alone would've sent me over the edge. My little Angus was in Special Care Nursery for only a few days and probably only had blood taken a few times and even then I was a mess of tears every time I saw him...Hugs.Ronnie xo

Finally, I have the internet back so I can comment. I love your posts, especially your posts about the reality of life, good and bad. Thank you for this. I have no idea what will happen in 6 weeks time. When the midwife asked me what I planned to feed Pip, I replied "milk" and I will try to refuse to let people make me feel guilty either way, no matter what happens. Love you x

After I read this (fantastically well written post) all I could think was you did what was best for you and for your family. At the end of the day that's all you should ask of yourself. In this situation breast feeding the babies wasn't working so you trusted yourself to do what was best and abandoned a losing proposition.

I hope that part of yourself has either woken up to herself or, well and truly fucked off!

you are amazing! it's disgusting the pressure we put on ourselves. to hear that you birthed two beautiful healthy babies in the SAME DAY and yet still carried feelings of disappointment and inadequacy is very sad. It took me a long time to make peace with many things that didn't go as plan as a new Mum (mostly the birth itself).

I think it was probably the best thing you could have done for your family by being strong enough to stop at 11 weeks. I'm sure you became a much better mother in that moment.

I am sorry to hear about your bad experience. I hope that all the mothers out there would stop feeling guilty about not breastfeeding. What ever works better is great. Not everyone is made for it. I have done both, with no regrets. Besides, you are great anyway.Love your blog.