Monday, March 31, 2014

Dirty Dungeons & Dragons Stories Volume Two

Disclaimer: This blog post contains extremely dirty stuff in it. Please click away if you think you might be offended! Obviously it is not safe for work.

If you haven't read Volume One, you should start there so you know where we're at..

One thing I should talk about here is the fact that in early high school, our group was made up of all-male players. All straight guys, as far as I know. So when a sexual situation came up in the game, yes, it was four or five dudes running through it.

I know a lot of male players don't want to do this kind of thing. Some people don't want sexual stuff in their games. I understand that, and that's fine with me.

Some other straight guys might feel that the whole thing might be a little "gay". I don't care about that. It doesn't make me uncomfortable. I don't care if you're gay or if you think I'm gay. I know what I like. I am not sitting there jerking off at the table.

To me, this is a goofy exercise. The fun of D&D sex is in the "are we really going to roll for this?" sentiment. The response to that is: Of course we are going to roll a d20 for this. It's D&D!

I don't make players roll for their penis size/breast size, whatever. They get to pick it.
That's because I once played a Rifts character named Harold. He was a 40
year old paunchy unshaven guy who wore hawaiian shirts all the time. He could set fires with his mind
(I had a hard time coming up with cool Rifts characters, obviously). I decided to
roll Harold's penis size. My result: 1 inch long, 6 inches wide. I
called it "the plate".

Dirty D&D Story #3: Clarissa's First Date

Our heroes! Clarissa is in the upper left.

In the year 2009 I was running a 4th edition D&D campaign. We were playing through the Revenge of the Giants campaign book. Clarissa was a female fire genasi sword mage played by a guy. Over time, the players of the group urged Clarissa to mess around with this orc guy in the city (in my campaign, some orcs are "civilized" and live in cities with humans, elves, dwarves, etc).

The players of the group got really excited about the idea, as the player of Clarissa was funny and there was just something about the idea of him playing a female in a sexual situation that was hilarious. Over time, players were practically begging him to do it.

Finally, he relented.

If you recall, 4th edition had a thing called the "skill challenge". It was a vague system of skill rolls, in which a certain number of successes were required to achieve your goal. Some people hated the skill challenges. Most would agree that the system wasn't perfect.

I had been tooling around with the idea of a sexual skill challenge for quite a while. Outside of the game, the other players would talk to me about Clarissa's sexual skill challenge, and they would contribute ideas. I would take notes, and eventually I had the whole thing down on paper. It was absurd how much effort was put into this goofy thing.

We played out the whole date. There was dancing at a bar. There were altercations with citizens who felt that a genasi should not be dating an orc. Clarissa had a dance-off with a half-orc female who wanted to steal Irongrad from her. Clarissa rolled extremely well, and incorporated a mock slap in the face to the would-be rival. The half-orc got served.

Clarissa and Irongrad ended up in a giant tree at night. I had a funny friend who I had ordained as the "Prime Minister of Night-Time Skill Challenges". Once Clarissa and Irongrad started to mess around up in the tree, I asked my Prime Minister what went down next. He responded with a rapid-fire list: "Head. Titty Fuck. Dry Hump."

So rolls were made, endurance checks, etc. During our earlier brainstorming sessions, we'd realized that Clarissa had an innate power called firepulse - she could let out a fiery explosion in a close burst. Welp. At the culmination of the Nighttime Skill Challenge, there was a fiery orgasm, a massive explosion, and they fell out of the tall, burning tree and nearly died.

It was probably the best thing from the whole campaign (and that includes the fight with Orcus at the end of E3).

Dirty D&D Story #4: The Temple of Fra

"...drawing your party as surely as a lodestone draws iron."

In 2011, I converted the Temple of Elemental Evil to 4th edition. A female player made a character named Fayte Bonesunder, a kind of over-the top female Conan. She rode a skeletal horse and was mortal enemies with the undead dragon called Dragotha, who she swore to destroy one day.

When the campaign started, I gave them an energetic reading of the Gygaxian intro text. From that day forward, Fayte's player would often quote this line to me in a dramatic voice: "It is certain that both vast treasure and horrible death await, so you must gain the one while cheating the other."

The group also thoroughly enjoyed finding the following books in the temple:

At one point, our heroes needed to back out of the Temple of Elemental Evil and go to a city. And at the city, they decided to visit... the Church of Fra. Fra is the goddess of sexual healing from the earlier post.

The church had a garden with a lake that swans lived in (this was an allusion to how the priests of Fra traveled through space in spelljamming swanships). There were two buildings - The Hall of the Innocents and THE PLEASURE DOME.

Fayte Bonesunder: The Legend

Inside the pleasure dome was a big, pillowed area where a healing orgy occurred at all times. Fayte decided to mess around with a cleric of Fra named Star Lightning. He was a githyanki covered in scars.

Fayte also had many scars, as she was the ultimate badass. She blew Star and rolled for it (of course). She rolled... a natural 20. This began a trend, a stunning series of high rolls. For whatever reason, whenever Fayte Bonesunder had sex, she rolled ridiculously high. The dice told the story. Fayte Bonesunder was a devil in combat and a demon between the sheets.

So Fayte is holding court in this orgy room, just going nuts with her rolls. She said she "made violent love like a mad barbarian". Fra herself took notice, and blessed all in the pleasure dome with uhhh... healing squirt which rained down from the Fra mural painted on the dome above.

Fayte became something of a legendary character, and somehow ended up as the consort of Graz'zt the demon lord (who, yes, she gave a critical blow job to).

This also introduced Fra, goddess of sexual healing, to my "new era" players. She quickly became one of the most popular gods in my campaign. Fra would go on to become the focus of my Skull and Shackles campaign, which was ultimately derailed by all of these pornographic shenanigans.

I should note that the player of Fayte Bonesunder was probably the best D&D player I'd ever sat at a table with. She could figure out any trap in milli-seconds. It was unreal.