Dealing With Anger

It is a fad among New Age personal-growth gurus to preach that each of us should go back and revisit childhood, to relearn how it feels to be full of wonder and curiosity, happy, living in the moment.

Why is childhood such a joyful time? Because we are integrated. We have no past to feel guilty about and cannot imagine the future well enough to worry about that, either. Past and future are integrated into the present. We are in the “Mine!” state of mind, because what is, what we want, and what we think should be, are one and the same. (For more details on the “Mine!” state of mind, read my book Mastering Change: The Power of Trust and Respect [Santa Barbara, CA: Adizes Institute Publications, 1992].)

Our physical, emotional, intellectual, and spiritual lives do not begin as separate entities, either. It is only as we grow and they develop, and the different aspects of our selves evolve at different speeds, that we start to feel disintegrated.

As I have remarked in previous Insights, I believe total integration is love.

Why is that so? Because when you love, you feel yourself to be part and parcel of the object of your love. There are no boundaries between you. You and your love feel like a single entity.
The New Age teachers who tell us to return to childhood are in a sense telling us to return to being in a state of love.

But it is not only New Age teachers who talk about love. Have you looked at any bumper stickers lately? “I ❤New York.” “I ❤ Las Vegas” “I ❤ my horse.” “I ❤ …” Love is everywhere. We encounter the same message in our synagogues and churches. (I do not know what one hears in a mosque, though). And those who know how to sell love, or even promise love, can make a flourishing business out of it.

Apparently the most basic need of human life is love.

Babies who are deprived of love, research shows, do not grow to their full potential. And children who do not receive love suffer emotionally in their adult lives. Without love, we die inside.

If this is true, it brings me to an illumination: All we do in life, beyond what we need to do to survive––like searching for food and shelter––is for love. What is our need for appreciation and respect if not a camouflaged need for love? Even our pets seek our love, and we need theirs.

Whoa! If that is true, then when we whine and bitch and moan, we are desperately calling out for love.

Wait a minute, now.

If all of this is true, then it has repercussions for how we handle anger. When someone is angry at us, may be that anger is just the manifestation of his fear of not being loved. And if that is true, your response, rather than reprimanding and correcting the other person, should be to show your love.

Hmm. Interesting, and it makes sense, too!

How would you treat a crying baby? Would you punish it for crying? Or would you hug it and love it in order to calm it down? Why not treat our spouses and teenagers the same way?
All interpersonal problems––and maybe personal problems, too––are either caused by the unsuccessful search for love, or are the consequence of being denied love.
I would even go further: I believe crime is a manifestation of a deficiency of love. A crime may simply be a plea for attention––for love. (I am not talking about psychiatric cases or may be they too desperately call for love?)

What do they give convicts nowadays to calm them down? Pet dogs, to love and to train. It is said to have a positive impact on the prisoners’ outlook, socialization skills, and discipline. Of course! The convicts finally have some love in their lives.

In the United States, what do hospitals sometimes bring to a patient’s bedside? Dogs, trained to lick thep atient’s hands and sit still to be petted. Why? Because showing and receiving love heals.

My mother, who had no education but was very intelligent, used to quote a Sephardic expression: “Love conquers all. Love heals.”

The correct response to an angry spouse may be love, not anger. Imagine a spouse who starts yelling at you. The usual response would be to yell back. What would happen if you said nothing, just went over and hugged her, just as you would hug a baby?

I admit that as simple as it sounds, it is going to be very difficult to practice. But let us at least try. And please report your results.

The story of mankind is like the song “looking for love in all the wrong places”.
People are driven to have Power, Influence, Freedom and Control and some are driven by more than one of these.
They believe if they achieve these they will feel love.
However the truth is the opposite. The only true way to have Power, Influence, Freedom and Control is to give love.
The story of man is about trying everything to feel loved rather than focusing on giving love.

During one of Business ethics classes I was teaching we were looking for the most appropriate solution from ethics perspective handling unethical behaviour of the person. We were analysing all alternatives for action from various ethical theories perspective and came up with very clear conclusion – the best treatment would be to speak with that person openly, friendly and without anger and abusement, expain our position and let him to make decision stopping such behaviour by himself. Even if the person was clearly wrong the analyses showed that such option would be the most succesful one. It is interesting that even most conflicting with each other ethical theories derived to the same solution. One student in the class could not accept such conclusion. She was stating that this person is not right and we need to be straith and hard to him, telling him that he will face bad consequences if continue such behaviour. In other words, she was suggesting frighten him as she believed this would be fair to do. That time I was trying to convince her using the knowledge of PAEI styles. The person under the observation (in that case) was clearly E type person and I was trying to explain her how E would react if he would be blaimed and frighten. He would be fighting back and do that strongly. I felt that I could not convinced her fully.
Dear Ichak, your insight today gave me missing and very strong additional argument for that debate.
Thank you very much!
Virginijus

Yes, most, if not all, religions have doctrine on love in a variety of manifestations. The Bible contains verse after verse on the relatinship between love and fear; God loves us despite what he knows about us; loving those who wrong us; loving your enemies; and many more.

I think the “Love angle” is somewhat of a challenge in corporations but trust and respect are “value attributes” that have proven to be successul when engrained in a company culture. I worked for Hewlett-Packard nearly ten years and this was without a doubt is a part of the success of that company…trust and respect of all that you do business with..employees, suppliers, customers, etc..

I also believe in ‘tough love’. To raise a child there must be routine, moral education, instruction in self-discipline and sacrifice. Today’s young seem to me to be so ‘adult’ from an early age and they control their environment. Parenting has become child centred to an extent that Nanny 911 and Super Nanny are popular programmes on TV. I for one don’t relish the sight of a small child with dark circles and shadows under their eyes – it’s a sign of no routine and a child being allowed to stay up an play all hours. Parents deserve a set bed time for children. Then everyone knows who’s who. If we don’t introduce ‘tough love’ we create a monstrous society. Is it just me or do the young of a wide age group have no respect for their elders and their elders’ experience and knowledge. In Asian countries the elders are respected. The West now, I’m afraid, has a criminally minded, gadget-addicted, technological relatedness that I’m sorry to say has little to do with a certain humanity, and much-needed experience that is vital for future generations. Good spiel doesn’t necessary mean good actions unless it has been introduced via ‘tough love’.

Yes, love is truly about giving. The only love we can give is the LOVE that we have for ourselves. We must first seek to love ourselves by breaking through all the negative chains and negative barriers we have accumulated since birth that constantly tell us, constantly remind us that we are not lovable…… we are not valuable….we are not worthy. The more we clear out those self-inflicted falsehoods the more we LOVE and appreciate the greatness that we all have inside each of us and the more we can LOVE and appreciate others and the more we recognize the LOVE in others.

Yes, LOVE is for giving and it is an action word. Great post Ichak…THANK YOU!

I believe that anger is energy for making a change, but that most people catastrophize it and handle it badly. When someone is angry at me, I assume they have a reason that will be partly valid, and I also assume that they may be over-reacting. Or, the way I put it in The Judgement Is The Mirror, that they are reacting not only to me, but to past failures to communicate with some important significant other, projected onto me.

I think that before going over to give the hug, you need to calmly accept their anger, and indicate your willingness to listen to them. Then you need to listen – really listen – and reflect back that you are getting their message, and make sure they talk out their whole point, and feel understood. Anger was the energy for change, and the issues where change was wanted are now out on the table.

Things usually calm down at this point, and you go into back and forth dialogue, exploring the issue and either coming to a resolution, or perhaps just coming to the mutual recognition that you are both stuck for now in sub-optimal situations. Anyhow, you get to a point where the discussion is done. Then the hug comes naturally.

Hugging the angry person immediately without hearing them out first will usually be received with annoyance as an attempt to defuse the situation without facing the person, their thoughts and feelings, and their reasons for being angry. You have to honour all of that, in other words show the respect, allow them to trust that they are actually reaching you, and then let dialogue blossom in the building trust zone.

Angry people want to be heard. Hug them with your ears first, and arms later.

Very inspiring. I tried it and it really works. It was one of my biggest success that I’ve accomplished with my teenager. It happened after reading the »Mastering Change« a year ago. and it is an experience that I want to share with you.

I think that love is associated with PAEI, has a life cycle, should have the Capi and requires a complementary team based on MT&T. It exists before, during and after his manifestation, it is eternal and everywhere around us. In contrast, there is no hatred. It is just a manifestation of lack of love, or love being a bad style. If it lacks some of PAEI “vitamins”, it will manifest in the form of intolerance, incomprehension, … and eventually hate (just like bad managerial styles).

When I discovered that the cause of my problems with my own teenager lying in my poor managerial style and that I might end up in founder trap (or better to say divorce), I remembered the love. And I said to myself: “As a father, I can not give her anything more than love. If we should be so, I want to know that I love her.” After that decision, everything changed.

“The correct response to an angry spouse may be love, not anger. Imagine a spouse who starts yelling at you. The usual response would be to yell back. What would happen if you said nothing, just went over and hugged her, just as you would hug a baby?”

Unfortunately, my angry (then)spouse, did not take it very well and accused me for being senseless and not caring. I was accused for being “manipulative”, “controlled” and “dishonest”. Somehow some angry people can feel that if you do not yell back you simply don’t care.

Later when we sat with a $300+/ hour therapist (and anger management specialist) he sided with her – go figure!!

Loving is accepting other for what the DO NOT have, or what they have that you the love giving person DO NOT like. Anger is not fun whereas it is directed at you or coming from you. It is also a waste of good energy.

As we go to the Sader evening let us be reminded who was angry (Pharaoh), and who was cool headed (Moses). Moses did not hug Pharaoh, it took 12 painful plagues to deal with that anger.

Exactly put Dr. Adizes. It is so hard to turn the other cheek as Jesus did or Buddha did because we usually see the anger as a threat as sometimes we fear that the correspondent might hurt us by his or her anger. Loving back is defeating of fear. In essence, love is the opposite of fear. When we stop fear we start love. And it is in fact so much related with being integrated, and when we see a disintegration, we can see that nothing is fulfilled, including tasks because everyone sees what is for him or her, not the big picture.

First I wanted to thank Dr Adizes for his beautiful article. I am sorry to say that since I live in a free country/democratic, I feel that my love and care is taken for my weakness and in a sense backwardness. I have been raised in a collective culture where altruism is consider a virtue without which we can’t survive. While in democratic societies government give support to people and the more people take support from the social system the less they need each other which in turn lead them to be more selfish and less compassionate. Some believe that we can build a society with the good characteristic of the two culture of the East and West. I argue that we can’t, because the good and bad aspects of each culture emerge from one single root. I will be happy to know what you think about this issue.

very well put Dr Adizes. I have passed this blog on to my friends. I recommend a Hindi movie for those interested – Lage Raho Munna Bhai ( make sure to get the subtitles on!!) that demonstrates the concept of ‘the magical hug’. I have tried this several times and it ALWAYS worked .. It need not be an actual hug but just a moment/symbol of tenderness to tell the angry person, that perhaps you understand their anger and you still love ( even when the whole brain ( read ego ) is screaming I don’t understand and I want to retaliate..) .. the first few times are difficult and can get adverse reaction but the person ultimately understands the selflessness and comes around. Don’t give up if you believe in the person!!!
Caution: It needs a big heart and lots of courage to do this. But it can be done, with growing ease each time you do it..AND it works only when I am genuine and want it to work
cheers and love and the magical hugs to all who are crying out for it!!! It is a great cure…

hugging the angry person does not work if you hug them to calm them down.

it all depends on your intentions. they read your intend to calm them down when they are in rage as a put down, as being disrespectful of their emotions. as a manipulation. as not really caring.

so i agree with your ex wife yehoram and with the therapist.

now try it with a true open heart. true care for the person in pain. true love for them . you do not approach them with YOUR needs to calm them down. you approach them truly caring for THEIR needs and truly feeling their pain.actually sharing their pain. really truly care.
can you see how it will be different.

it is all in how you approach the other person. with your brain or with your heart.

if you still miss my point think about a crying baby. if you try to calm it down by hugging them hard and being upset that they cry they are going to cry even harder. now imagine that you truly love that baby and that you too are in pain that it is crying.

. your love vibrates . the baby feels it and will calm down. NO?

can you see it is all in the vibrations we transmit. what we feel the other person feels.

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Please note:

The insights presented in these blogs are the personal insight of Dr. Ichak Kalderon Adizes and do not necessarily express the opinion or position of the Adizes Institute or its staff individually or as a group.

DISCLAIMER: The insights presented in these blogs are the personal insight of Dr. Ichak Kalderon Adizes and do not necessarily express the opinion or position of the Adizes Institute or its staff individually or as a group.