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Wednesday, February 24, 2010

I recently received this email from a friend and thought it was such a lovely post I just had to share.

I write to you, yes you! You who surround me. You who say are a friend but act a foe. I speak to you today for understanding sake. I speak to you because I can no longer remain mum. I tell you this because if these too were your shoes that I would definitely be more open to who you are. But they are not,these shoes are not yours! I do not accuse you, but still I feel we do not live at peace like we ought to. I know you understand that I am broken by this. I wish I fit your idea of me but that too would be ... would you if it were you?

I hear you say that it is a choice that I made and since I am African yet Kenyan too; I hear you say I am deviant. You threaten to leave or for some parents threaten to die and curse the day we were conceived. Surely, all this for loving you who is like me. How different am I because I choose to love my own? Is it not the same love? The one that leaves you at peace, the kind that brings forth butterflies at the sight of your beloved, and the one you constantly think of and live for.Is it really not just the same love? So why not just let me be? Why do you wish to change me, or even wish that I were different? I do not wish that of you. Aren't we asked to treat each other as we expect to be treated? Surely how does that say about the way you want me to treat you ... considering how you have

been around me?

I nod my head to a beautiful song but the words cut deep. I wish that this too were not a reality, and that you understood. You keep me silent ... you keep me mum. You know how you do that or do I have to tell you? I could quote the song and see if you understand. The singer is one of us. We love the same, we cry for the same cause and we advocate for the right to just love. That's really all we ask for ... is it that much? Her cry ... deep ... raw .. could never compare to any ... all for just the way we love. Why silence me? I want to freely speak of how I love. I want the right of being human and to be with the one I love ... my kind.. Oh... I am sorry ... I said I was quoting a song and it seems like I just went on and on.

Here is a line or two that get to me :

" You stay ignorant it means you not know

It's 2007 man why you even give a damn

Why concentrating on someone's life they living in

If society say us people ain’t fitting in ignore us

Close your eyes and stop listening "

Surely all this for being me. Me being me. Really what do want me to do? Should I please you and live in misery a life not my own? All these grievances stem deep. They go way back ... years aback. You could tell me that I should have forgotten by now. How do you forget that which changes your life? If my misery would make you happy then maybe I may consider living up to your expectations. That being far-fetched, and you not as willing to compromise; then we live like this. How do I live the rest of my life? With this sickening feeling in my stomach? With these looks that I get from you? With the comments that ever so often break my heart? Lord!!! How do I live with the questions you ask me or do not ask?

I suggest like Melange Lavonne says in her song "Gay bash" ... if you say we are not fitting then ignore us. So what kind of friend, brother, sister, and parent are you that would let your beloved live like this? Think about it. It could be you. Yes! It could be you. But you roll your eyes; You look away. Away from me. As though it would take away from this reality of me being this way. I suggest you try on my shoes. See how they fit. Tell me, would you be happy if I treated you as you do me? This is my letter to you ... you who surround me.

I write this for those who understand. For those who are there, have been there, are on their way there, or are not there yet because society has closeted them. Yes I speak for all of you because this silence is deafening and very heartbreaking. But we have each other ... we understand each other ... and since for now it is all we have then I make the best of it. You who loves my kind ... I want you to know I understand ... I know ... I am there too!

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

I am a mess. I cannot focus. I am on the verge of being fired. Its not good. Imagine this, I was recently appraised for my performance at work and it did not go well. Why? Because I did not perform well during my six month contract period. It was bad. They said I was not good enough I was laxed and that I chose the work I wanted to do. You cannot choose work you cannot decide this is what you want to do now and oh, the others I will do later. Its bad. Well, its reality thats the way life goes.

My take on that? Its all true. I have not been as serious as I should be and well, its bad. Its unfortunate. Imagine I am just throwing away an opportunity to extend my contract and what am I doing? Playing around, not being serious, picking the work id want to do and so on and so forth. Imagine that! Please don't step into my shoes. Am human I have flaws. Imagine this is what I have been doing. Why, I am addicted to Internet! There. I have admitted it. And what am I doing to stop? Very little. Thats what. I really do have potential they say. And thats why they're torn on what to do with me. They wanna keep me but then again some of the things I do just plainly disappoints them to a point that they start re-thinking their first decision. Okay, really, is she worth it if this is what she does? Can she really cut it? Well, we know she can, but will she really prove it in the end? Until when will we wait for her to gain focus.

I hate it. I hate myself for doing this to me. I keep envisioning myself as a bigshot in Kenya in the future but hey, if this is my performance, if this is my attitude then whoa...is this really seriously gonna happen? I never inteded to post anything today but I just had to vent this out somewhere.

And despite the fact that I have another blog, I think I need to re-think why in the first place I started it. Do I really want to hide the fact that I am a transsexual? Do I want a part of my (online) world to believe that I'm just an ordinary Nairobi girl? Well, I'm not. And thats not gonna go away. But wait, Kenya doesn't really know we exist, do they? And even if they do, how am I to live in this world and interact if all the time someone sees me and immediately labels me “tranny” or something like that. Yes, part of the reason why I started the other blog was a way for me to find a place in the “normal” world because somehow, thats what I want. To be part of them. To fit in. Even if its not gonna be easy, that was the sole reason. Even if I really will not completely fit in, that was my goal. Then again the other reason was to portray another part of me that isn't necessarily linked to my being a transgender, transsexual or whatever. A part of me not linked to my genitalia! That was the main reason. The sole goal. I wanted to blog without going into the fact that living in Nairobi as a transsexual is tough.

I can rant on and on today but well, because of the aparent analysis of me and my work ethic, I shall leave it at that. You will probably hear from me later on. Like next week or something. I have so much I want to write about. Most of them I wanna post here but I need to impress my superiors. I need to try as much as possible to redeem myself and prove that I am worth what they see in me.

Ciao guys. Pray for me please. Its not about the job; its about me. I need to change. I need to improve. If I am ever gonna go anywhere, I need to make some drastic changes in my attitude to work. If I'm ever gonna reach my goals, its gonna have to start here. I have to. There is no short-cut.

Friday, February 19, 2010

In a world full of writers and thinkers, you cannot help but wonder why you want to include yourself in this sphere. I wonder. I ask myself day in day out why the hell I want to blog all the time. Why the hell I am obsessed with writing a blog each and every time. A friend whom I can call a prolific writer once pulled down his blog. Why? He felt that he wanted to engage with people more personally and on a more mainstream media. I still don't get it. But who am I to judge?

Here is a place where I can comfortably put down my thoughts and they can be in the blogosphere for eternity if I may say. Here is a place where I can have my thoughts and dreams and rants and raves about everything and anything that comes my way and ensure that the message gets across to all without trampling all over people's feet. Here is a place where I can blast people I want to blast. Here is a place I can make my noise and no one will ostracize me for anything.

Sometimes I wonder at myself as to whether I can continue. I have so many things I want to do. And for sure this is one of them. But I guess I should just continue. Just continue blogging. Continue writing. Continue trying to make my mark. No matter how small the mark may seem, maybe someday it will be big. Maybe someday someone prominent somewhere will read this and say “hmm...this is good!”. Maybe, just maybe.

So there goes me. And my rant for the day. So I guess it was boring. Or maybe not. Hey, thats me. Thats just the way I am. Period!

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

The other day I was going through my old posts and just by looking at them, I tell my self, “Dayum! Girl! Youve come a loong way!”

So just so you have a peek, lemme share my 2008 posts with you. Makes me love myself all over again! :D. from the first one to the las one.

My first post ever! Thursday, May 8, 2008

HERE I AM – BLACK AND WHITE

I’m bare. I’m bold. I’m here and I’m all that! See the thing is I want to share all I am and all I have to offer to the whole world. I don’t know if its gonna go that far, but atleast I shall be myself here and pour out all my joys and my frustrations. So don’t be alarmed if you see some crazy chic going on about some guy and what he did or did not do to her! Soon enough you'll find out that I’m very open about stuff and will be willing to share it all – BLACK AND WHITE!!

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

LETA STORO! (Bring the story!)

So here’s the deal. Today I'm gonna start by saying that I will be putting stuff about my life here since I'm looking for a place I can share my life with other people and especially those who wont judge me because of who I REALLY AM!!

Im like twenty sumthin, light skinned, black hair, 5’5, and all the otha stuff will come along as we go, ama? So for tudei, lemme leave it at that then tutaongea(we will talk) very soon coz I cant ait to share with you hot juici stuff about my life…be prepared!

p.s. I just have to tell you. I hope I don spill so much beans mpaka at one point I become too hilarious or boring at the same time so plis…go ahead…blast me silly!!

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

BACK ON TRACK

Yet another day and this time I start with a lighter note. Lots of stuff has happened since may 15th, but now am starting to get back on track. I have neglected God’s power in my life and decided to follow my own. I have a small text id like to put in for you, so that atleast I can also be happy sharing this with all of you.

We shall definitely catch up later, friends.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

TIS BRRRRH!! IN NAI!

Hey. It’s a new week and damn its cold!! I mean temperatures in nairobi have gone to like 8 degrees or sumthin!! Gaawsh!! Anyways, lemme giv u tha down low on wats happenin here.

So today im gonna start by revealing that im a somewhat different kind of a person. Im the kind of person you would love to hate!! Ooh how lovely!! Okay. What I mean is, im a nice young girl in Nairobi trying to make sure I live life to the fullest. The only issue with me is that my feminity is only inwards for now. Im saying this because I actually live my life here in tao as a dude!! Yup! You heard right. But you see its not the way you think. All my life ive felt different and blah blah blah! Im sure you surfers have come across some sobby ol storo like mine.

Lemme stop there for tudei. Im surely gonna fill you in with more wen I return.

Ciao!!

Friday, June 20, 2008

REVELATIONS

Okay the word sounds like I’m gonna give some sermon on the future and mysteries of the Armageddon!! But it ain't that. All I wanna do today is give you a little revelation on what I said earlier; that I wanna tell ya all there is to know about me. But before that lemme just put this across clearly. This ain’t fo-sho. This is for all who are out there and are experiencing what I’m going through.

So as I said earlier, I’m a very unique person. Unique in this sense; I’m not what people think I am. I’m more of a two sided person. What I’m getting at is when I started realizing who I am and when a child reaches that stage where he/she can rationalize stuff about themselves, I got to discover something. I am not a guy. Yes, I was indeed born as a bouncing baby boy, but after some years, this boy never was! I’m sure those reading this have come across something like this somewhere. The thing is, I noticed some behaviours in me that were not actually inclined towards boyhood and it wasn’t tied to the fact that I intermingled a lot with those of the opposite sex, it just happened.

Lemme fill you in with more next time. Have a lovely day, will you!

Saturday, June 21, 2008

REVELATIONS PART TWO

Ooh!! Scary!! Well it ain’t part of a scary movie, nor is it a story. I jst want to continue from where I left.

As I was saying, I'm this kind of a person who wasn’t really sure of what he/she was. See, there I am using both words since I was confused. Here I was, young and everyone refers to me as a boy, but deep inside I felt things were very different. I was confused! I couldn’t share this with my mom, she was a very strict mother so I was scared of what she would think.

Time went by and my feelings grew stronger and stronger. I still could feel something was amiss and I just couldn’t understand what was going on in my life.

Saturday, July 19, 2008

MORE!!

So I decided to see what I could do about what I was feeling. Clearly there was something I just couldn’t put my finger on. After realizing that I was different, I tried as much as I could to ‘fix’ what I had thought was my own mistake. I started trying to adjust my behaviours to suit what i thought was the correct behaviours. i just was so confused!

Monday, July 28, 2008

BITS AND PIECES

Today I just wanted to let you know a little more about what I did in order to be satisfied. And when I say satisfied I mean just to be okay with what was going on in my life. After realizing that I was different and that I might not be able to change anything about it I decided to embrace it and become everything there was about it. I just made up my mind not to fuss around about what I couldn’t change and just embrace it and take life as it comes. Of course this was something that never went away and it kept looming over my head since it was a part of me. So I made up my mind to find out exactly what I was going through and that’s when I turned to the internet for information. Being one who was so passionate about movies I had watched a lot of TV programs that dwelt on the topic of gayness and trans-ism. I had an idea but it was my research on the topic through the internet that opened my mind and gave me explanations as to what was going on. I couldn’t believe it myself.

Monday, February 8, 2010

Everyone thinks about the future. Even if its tomorrow, or just today in the afternoon. We always wonder, “what next?” or “what will I do later?”. So I often ask myself this question. How will my life be like in the near future? Will I still be with A? Will my aunt and grandparents finally acknowledge me? Will I be able to visit my grandparents in our rural home? Will I be able to sustain myself financially? Will I ever get a job in ordinary companies rather than NGOs? Will I ever have my SRS done? Will it be here in Kenya? So many many questions and its always not an easy thing to do to think about them. A always accuses me of thinking too much. I know its sort of a weakness but I always justify it by saying its the only way I will feel sane; by thinking and re-thinking all my steps. So if I look at some of the questions in my head what shall I be thinking about? Isn't that just another question?

I remember when I started thinking critically about my life and who I was way back in primary school when I was just about 12 yrs old, I remember praying to God telling him to choose a path for me; either boy or girl. Because I felt like I was trapped somewhere in the middle. It wasn't a good feeling at all. I am so glad I am past that. As I read in a friend's blog, making this decision ain't easy. One has to think and re-think it all through, consider all the consequences, both the foreseeable and the not so foreseeable. Honestly, I still have moments where I question the legitimacy of my decicion and its relevance or practicability in my life now and in the time to come. I find I ask myself whether I will be able to handle it all. Then I go back and say that id rather this struggle than the previous misery. Life isn't smooth anyways.

The other day A told me that it would be nice if we would stay together for long. In his words, it would be nice to “grow old together”. Is it just me or do we (when in relationships) sometimes get to that point where we feel like this is it, this is the life I want and nothing else? Yes we do, or so I think. But I (being open-minded and often thinking stuff out on both sides of the coin) also tend to have this thought cross my mind. Don't we also wonder whether this is what we really want and sometimes look over the shoulder while our hands are safely in the other's hands and ask ourselves, “hmm...i wonder whether the grass is greener over there...”. Don't we do that? I do! But (I think) I tend to be different. I tend to stick to the person I am with. I tend to be very faithful and its often just the way I am. I have tried to cheat before and its never something that works. For example, I tried cheating recently but I ended up hating it and not even doing anything at all. All the time my mind was focused on A and how he would hate me if he found out and also how I wish it were him with me and not this other person. Yeah. Life's a bitch like that!

I don't like talking about sex, but when I want to address the SRS topic, it just must be mentioned. I wish I knew how a vajayjay looks like, feels like, smells like, (even tastes like!). Now, don't get me wrong! My inclination didn't change overnight,no. I just am curious. Period. I get tempted to ask one of my gg friends if they can allow me to examnine it properly and see whether this is really what I want. Why? Because sometimes I look down there and wish to myself that it just never was ther. That the only thing that was there was a tiny hole for the urethra. Period. Nothing but. I am not alone. I have a friend (trans) who also feels the same. Probably even trans men feel the same. Other times (most of the times) I wish id have the SRS NOW! Just so id have a reality over my fantasies about it all. Then it still goes back to the question: is intimacy all about penetration? I'm sure I get a slightly sound 'no'. And I know people might beg to differ. Something else I don't say out lound (simply because I feel it ain't none of anyone's biz) is the fact that I don't engage in anal sex. I just find it uncomfortable. There I said it. Maybe someone can nicely describe a vajayjay to me and maybe I will have a clue (if any!).

Hope I can get to write more on stuff that is bugging me about the foreseeable (not) future!

Friday, February 5, 2010

I just felt that the silence wast too much and that I owed y'all at least a post. Well to be honest I am doing great, except for a few slip ups here and there and all the drama that ensued when I was moving.

So this is what happened. As you all know, I started transitioning before I moved out of my old home. So everyone around me was wondering what the hell I was up to. Eventually after I got my new hairdo it hit them and they started to take more notice. I felt really lucky(blessed probably) that through out the course of my stay there after beginning my transition (5 months) I was never touched by anyone like they want to do something bad to me. That I am grateful for. So on that fateful day, as I was making sure the truck carrying my stuff was parked at the right place, the mechanics for the garage next to the building realized that I was indeed moving out (someone told them to move their cars away so I can park my truck). With this, they all stopped what they were doing and started to murmur while looking at my truck! They all stopped working. Of course by this time a crowd had gathered to see why people were chatting and staring at the truck and the story was that “That guy who became a chic is moving out.” I heard another one was saying that they wanted to strip me to “confirm” that I had indeed changed everything! Good thing no one touched me although by the time I was leaving the crowd had become so huge I was freaking out! They were laughing and saying things but I never heard exactly what they were saying. Some were cheering and jeering others shouting “madam niaje!” (hows u madam).! It was scary yet amazing at how people can lack things to do and dwell on my life. Anywho, I reached at my new house safely and all is well.
As if thats not enough, I heard a similar story on radio the next week and I was shocked that it was similar to mine! Talk about coincidence!

Life is short. I will live it the way I want to live. No one will dictate the direction of my life!!!