A Son’s Suicide: AfterTalk Inspirational 7.12.18

A few weeks ago we published a Ask Dr. Neimeyer Q&A about a son’s suicide. It provoked many comments. As this week’s Inspirational, we want to share one of them with you. The Q&A can be found at this link:

I lost my son a year ago to suicide. This was a young man who lost both his babies 4 years ago. One was a miscarriage and the other little C-Jay lived two and a half months after losing his fight against a rare cancer.

The last four years of my sons life was roller coaster ride.

All he ever wanted was to be a dad and start his own family This tragedy left him alone, empty, sad and wanting to end his life.

He tried everything to either get rid of himself or provoke others to get rid of him. He went on drugs and tried to overdose at times to get rid of the pain. I saw a young man who always laughed, made jokes and had a welcoming smile you could not ignore….. becoming a face of sadness. You could see the pain in his eyes daily and he started going backwards since that faithful day his son passed on. I remember sitting in my sunroom reading my bible looking out of the window I saw my son hanging, his father and brother ran to his rescue and managed to take him down. Again coming from work we found him overdosed and got him to hospital just in time. He use to cut himself (self inflicted pain) just to get rid of this loneliness he felt daily. We tried everything from rehabs to counseling church leaders prayed with him and for him daily. None of this was enough!!!!! we could not give him the one thing he so wanted (his son).

The day he died.

His dad and I went to see him but I got no answer at the door. I insisted his father open the door for me cause I wanted to see what was going on inside. When we opened the door I saw the bench laying to its side and as I turned to my right, I looked right into my sons face hanging on his dogs belt from the ceiling bulk. I lost it. I tried to lift him up to take him down but his body was already ice cold and he was a grey blue colour and very heavy. I could not save my son……… he was gone. Its been almost two months now and everyday for me starts with thoughts of him and my day ends with thoughts of him. My life changed forever and a part of me died with him on that faithful day. Life was never going to be the same ever. I feel the emptiness and loneliness he spoke about so often and realized what he felt everyday of he life for the last 4 years. I mourn him and wish I could just hug him and tell him how much I love him but this I know is not possible.

I pray that God will give us the strength as parents to live each day closer to the Lord and to meditate on his word for guidance and peace that surpasses all understanding. I will say as Job did (though he slay me yet will I still trust him). I also have to believe that all things work out for the good of those who love the Lord. I know God promised to never leave us not forsake us and in that I am confident that God was present when my son took his last breath and rest in the knowledge that he is with his son where he always wanted to be. This does not make the pain go away but it allows me to live each day with hope and expectation that one day we will meet again in Heavenly Places.

May the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob be with us all as we mourn our loss and may he leave his comforter with us to hold us close to Gods side. May the angels encamp around us to protect us against the plans of the enemy.

God Bless You Always

Bernice

Every Thursday we publish “AfterTalk Inspirational.” We invite readers to submit their own poem, essay, or suggestions for inspirational quotes for publication. If you are a therapist you are welcome to extend this invitation to your clients as well. Please send your submission to info@aftertalk.com

AUTHORS

Peggy Amler

I am a retired Occupational Therapist who had the blessing of a treasured second marriage (also David's second) and the misfortune of losing my husband too early to cancer. What I write comes from my heart. I write for myself as a way to hold onto David, and as a way to bring some understanding to myself of this journey. If what I express touches someone else, then that would be wonderful, and I would be honored