oh damn. jaylyn's comingbetween brothers. that'sa big no-no. i have 4 brothers&&' i be damned if someone tried to do that with mine.i can tell there's drama in the future. but i gotta give her props. the girl is good.upz jaylyn

I paced back and forth, tryna figure out why in the hell Jay aint ask me to this party instead of Ricky.

Does she likehim?nahh...that cant be it, huh?Theres gotta be a deeper answer than that.Right?!

"Aye Bruh, does the collar look betta up or down?" Ricky asked, walkin down the spiral staircase. I got no f.ckin clue i aint no fashion guru. I dont give a damn about that sh.t, and honestly im mad as hell at him right now, too. He in the same boat as her. Why in the hell did he say yes?!

I looked at him and rolled my eyes.I dont care about him, or that dumbass collar right now.Im tryna figure Jay out before she gets here and messes with my mind again.I aint got time to be helpin Ricky look good.So i gave him a quick simple answer.

"Naw man, forreal! Come on dawg, help me out!" He repeated, flipping the collar up and down again, and again, and again. "Why dont you ask Jay which way looks better when she get here. You know, since you goin' out with her tonight and all."

this dude in worryin my last f.ckin nerve.I gave him a cold hard stare as he looked away from my eyes.

"Man, is that what this is all about?!" He asked, annoyed, still flipping his collar repeatedly.

"Why would you agree to go out wit her?! You know I'm feelin her!" "Well----excuuuuusee me! Mista 'I wanna sell illegal drugs out on the streets every weekend.' But i got a life, too. Usually you leave me home alone anyways just to go out and sell!"

"But Jay? Of all people, Ricky!?" "Nigga chill out! I cant help she asked me. Sh.t, she prolly just tryna make you jealous anyways! We're justtttt friends. No need to bust a cap in my ass!" He walked over to one of the mirrors in the living room, still stuck on that damn collar. He kept talking, "I wud neva take somethin' as positive as her outta your life, man. I dont wanna take her away from you! I know you care about her..." Ricky stated, a big kool-aid smile plastered on his face.

I smiled back and went to watch re-runs of 'the wire' on the couch. I hate this fake shit! "Carnellllll..." Ricky b.tched, all over again. "Help me out wit my collar, bruh!" "Ricky shut tha f.ck up! I dont know, aight?!"

"Carnell Fredrick, If you dont stop using the English language in that manner i will have your rear-end! Do you understand me?!!" I flinched just thinkin about it. "YES MA'AM!" i quickly yelled back to her.

My mama dont play.She from the old school& she will kick my ass.Literally.My moms is the only one i fear....Mom, & God.

Just then...the doorbell rang.

Jay.

I approached the door after runnin' my hand over my waves, and licking my chapped lips. Damn, i needed some carmex. I wore a beater & some basketball shorts, but hell, still gotta work what I got. I opened the door and found her smiling, her girls waiting for her in the car.

"What up, Ma?" "Hey Carnell! Where's Ricky?" She asked, after greeting me like she was in a rush & quickly invited herself in. I closed the door behind her and watched Ricky brightly smile at her. "Ayeeee, wats goodie? You lookin' rite tonight, girl." What the hell? Why is he actin like this?

She gave him a tight hug & smoothed his collar down. "You too Ricky, thankyou! You're so polite." She said, puttin alot of emphasis on the 'polite.' What...she tryna tell me somethin?! "You ready?" She asked, starring him down. She acted like she didnt even know i was there. Like she didnt even know i existed & was standing just centimeters away from her.

That hurts.

"Yeah. Just lemme grab my coat." He replied, lacing up his jordans. She put her arm around him and lead him right out of our front door.

I sat back down on the couch, mad as hell.I didnt care if she noticed....I wanted her to notice.

"Bye Neezy! Be Easy, kidd!" Ricky said, throwin up his duces. I said nothin, and pretended to place all of my attention on a re-run that i've watched atleast six times.

I felt Jay's eyes on me, but I didnt care.I got a feelin she know exactly what she doin to me.& I dont like it....Man, f.ck this shit.I'm goin out to make some money.

"Hell, I'll just take both." I decided as I sighed and walked a couple blocks so I could board a bus to the other side of town. Its become so usual, sometimes I forget i'm even doing this.-----------Workin' in the drug game is just like workin' at any other job.I got hella customersMy co-workersand ofcourse, we cant forget about my boss Uncle Rich.Don't ask about his name....Naw, he aint my Uncle,But he sure as hell will bust a cap in my ass if I call him anything different.

"Aye Neezy! Long time no talk, where you been at?" Uncle Rich said. Neezys what i'm known as on the streets. I dont think anybody knows my name is Carnell, and thats a good thing. I entered his house. I aint know what to say... "I guess I aint been here in a while, huh?" I asked.

I looked around at my surroundings. People mackin' on eachother on couches, folks drinkin' in the kitchen, a couple naked-ass hoes on a pole in his living room. The usual sh.t. It looked like a straight up party in here. But thats just how Uncle Rich lived. Day-in...and day-out...I coughed as all the smoke slowly filled up my lungs.

"You aint been here in a good 2 weeks, kidd. Sales is fallin', you know them Niggas outside dont do sh.t." "I dunno...I just, I met this beautiful girl...she's such a distraction!" I shook my head, doing my best to shake Jay outta my thoughts.

It wasn't working.

Why would she do this to me?!theres no way in hell she dont know I care for her.

He smiled at me, "Oh, damn. I aint know it was like that lil' Neezy..." He punched my arm. I smiled and looked down at the ground. "Aw, Naw. She aint like that..." "2 weeks lil' Nigga?!" He asked, chuckling. I looked away, "Iono Uncle Rich. But i'ma make it up tonight, aight?" "You'sa bombshell!" He exclaimed, laughing. He walked away, then came back and handed me 3 bags of white. "If you can do this tonight, i'll let you get 75%..." "...sh.t...Aight then!"

At that moment one of them hoes came off his pole and latched onto him. She had nothin' but a thong on. I couldn't look, though...If i did Uncle Rich would throw me halfway across the world. I took a glance at her titties just hangin there, but I quit. "Heyy Neezy." She said, looking my way. I cleared my throat and waved, making sure to keep my eyes up. "You gon' be sexy when you older, cutie. Holla at cha girl..." She rubbed my chin and Rich slapped her hand away. "Asia...stop it."

When i'm older?!B.tch im sexy now.

She began to whine, "Come on Richie, I'm ready." She kissed his cheek as he tugged on her thong. He smiled at me and I nodded, knowing what he was about to do. He handed me a bottle of corona and pointed toward the door, "Stay up, Neezy."----------People always have a misconception of crackheads.They ain't always 'broke down poor-ass ugly lookin' people'The rich nigkas is crackheads too, man.

I was walkin the streets, the white in my rocawear coat pockets, my heater in my jeans pocket, and the blade handing on my belt.I got alot of looks from alot of hoes.Dope boy magic...haha, gets 'em everytime.

But i didn't want that.All i wanted was her.You always want what you cant have.I hate that shit.

"Heyyy Neezyyyy..." One of them hoes, Alana, said walked up to me in a barely there shirt, some booty shorts, and some pumps.

Yeah, she's way too old for my liking.I cant lie though,she bad...and she give good brain.I know...cuz i've had it.and i could get it again RIGHT nowIf i chose to.

But all i really want is Jay.Damn, this is supposed to get my mind off off her!Not onher.I swear, she never leaves my thoughts.Its a mess when you think about it.-----------"Neezy...you aight?" She asked, tugging on my jacket. "Yeah, yeah..." I said quicky swiping her hand away. I didnt wanna be tempted. "Just dont touch me." I added. "What?!" she yelled, surprised I guess. I didnt really care. "Are you sick, baby?" She asked, placing her hand on my forehead. I quickly pulled away. "No! Are you deaf?! I said don't touch me, dumbass b.tch!"

Yeah.Jay did somethin' to me...now what it is? I just dont know.-----------After I denied Alana of any fun a black escalade started driving beside me. I sped up my pace a little, but it still followed close behind. I gripped my gun as the window rolled down and stopped walking.

Oh.Its just Gary.

Gary Shephard is a big hot-ass record producer here in the Chi. They say he's worked with Lupe, Kanye, Common, and even Jay-Z. Hell, he's worked with me, too!

He's one of my wealthiest clientel.----------"Wassup Lil' Neezy, how much you got on you tonight?" "Iono, 3 bags...'bout 96 ounces?" "I'll take it all for 3 grand."

Hot damn! I hit the jackpot tonight!Whats 75% of 3 thousand?Can you do the math for me?!Aint it like...alot of moo-lah for Carnell?....yeah, I thought so, too.----------By the time I got home Ricky was making his way out of Jay's friend's care, grinning.I waved at Jay, and she blew a kiss at me.I caught it and placed my hand on my cheek.She laughed as the car drove off.

I swear,that girl is such a tease.But i care about her.

"Fun Night?" He asked me. I showed his my stacks of money all tied tight with rubberbands. "Oh Sh.t..." He said, eyes wide with amazement. I slyly grinned and played it cool. "What about you?" I asked him, desperately wanting to know if she'd missed me as much as I did her.

Afew days later I walked over to Jaylyn's house and brought flowers with me.

flowers, huh?yeah thats what i said.

Now, i know all she wanted was for me to chase after her.But honestly, that all i really wanted to do, anyways.I aint wanna share our conversation wit nobody else.I aint wanna share my time around her.I aint wanna share her, period.

Yeah Im stingy, I know.What, you dont like it?!Sue me, Nigga.-------------I rang her doorbell and slightly stepped away. I was quiet. She opened the door and stood in it, blocking my entry way to heaven.

"Hey..." she said, her voice barely above a whisper. Damn, she looked good. I kept my voice in a quiet tone as well and held her flowers tightly in my hands. "...Ayee, i bought these for you, Ma." I replied taking a step toward her. She smiled at me, and took them out of my hands.

"How'd you know tulips are my favorite...?" "...I didn't. I just thought that they were as beautiful as you are. So I got them for you."

Hell yeah, good one Carnell!

I took another step toward her, hoping she'd invite me in. I placed my hands on the doorknob but she shoved me away. "No Carnell. You cant come in!" "Why not?!" I asked cheefully, with a smile. "My parents are gone away on business..." I licked my lips and slyly grinned at her, "all the more reason for me to come inside and---" "CARNELL!" "Okay, Okay! I'm just kidding!" She stared at me, giving me that look. "No you weren't!"

Okay, Okay! So maybe i wasnt....but can you really blame me?

"Babygirl..." I said, cupping her face in both of my hands. "No. I know how you work....& i said no." "You know you love it when I call you Babygirl. Why you trippin?"

She loves it when i call her that.& I know...because I just do.I haven't been to school in the past 3 days...Sales been high, I just couldn't stop and f.ck up the flow!So, I skipped.She looked away from my eyes but I pulled her back and whisperred in her ear.

"Jayyy, I miss you..." I whined, praying for her to give in. Not seeing her was hell. "I miss you really bad." I added. "Where have you been?!" She asked, suspiciously. "....Sick?" I lied. She looked down hiding her smile. "Well, I miss you too." "Really bad?" I asked, taking one of her small hands in mine.

"Really bad." She echoed, pulling her eyes back up to mine. "Then lemme in so we can chill & I wont miss you so much." I said, stroking her chin. "No." "WHY?!" I said, raising my voice out of frustration. "Just for that reason, Nell! You get angry when you cant have your way, & you need to learn that you cant have everything you want!"

She sharply pulled away from me and stood in the doorway once again.damnit!

"Babygirl..." I said, attempting once again to plead my case. I had to approach this girl quietly and gentley, just like a bird.

If i didnt, she'd fly away.Just like she is now...I slowly walked back up to her ashe shetried to hold back her smile.

I held her in my arms and looked down into hereyes while twisting a lock of her hair on my finger& kissed my nose to hers.I care about this girl somuch.

"Jaylyn...Look, I dont wanna fuck, aight?" She just rolled her eyes but i stood my ground. "Girl, you know what I wanna do more than anything...?" "What?" She asked, with attitude. I killed her with kindness. "Forreal though? All i wanna do is hold you. I wanna run my fingers through ya pretty hair, and whisper in your ear how beautiful you are to me. I wanna tell you how much i'm really feelin' you, & I wanna let you know that all dudes aint dumbass niggas who dunno how to treat a woman right. I can handle my shit. I wanna show you that."

Don't ask me what she did to me.To be real, I just don't know...She blankly stared at me tryna figure me outAs I continued to hold her tight.

"Whats gotten into you?" She asked, quietly. "You have." I gentley replied. She looked away, like it was hard to believe me, but I meant every word I said. I'm tired of playin games.

Everything is perfect.School is perfect.Dance is perfect.& Carnell is perfect.

Now all i can do is wait for something to go wrong.

Nothing stays perfect forever.************I went & laid ontop of Carnell on my couch. It was so quiet and peaceful. Everything with him is just different now. He's still the same boy...ignorant, and cocky. But, its just something.

I cant quite put my finger on it.

I left a trail of soft kisses on his neck & he began to wake up. I giggled a little and he placed his hands on my waist. I love to just be with him. "Jay, I was sleeping." "...& I want you awake. So, whats your point?" He yawned while smiling at me. "Lil' Ma, you must not know me well. Ima beat yo ass." I stuck my tongue out at him as he continued to hold me tight, "Jaylyn, I'm tired." "from what?!" He looked lovingly away, I guess searching for the reason with his eyes. "I been busy working." I frowned. Seems like all he ever does is work. "Oh...okay." I said, resting my head on one of his shoulders. He rubbed my cheek with one of his warm hands.

Carnell pulled me closer to him and slowly closed his eyes. "Babyyyy...You're boring!" I whined, hoping he'd stay wide awake. His eyes popped open as he chuckled and replied, "You're boring!" He kissed my nose and placed his hands on my ass. "Stoppp!" I whined again, slapping his hands away.

But ofcourse, with him, that is no use.

He laughed somemore, and closed his eyes again, "Then lemme rest, Ma. I just need like 30 minutes." "& I need you forever." I whisperred back, snuggling up to him. I pulled my head up, and let him kiss my lips then I smiled. But he scowled back.

I'll never understand him.

We've been this way for a month & a half, & we're getting closer to eachother everyday.He gets upset; because i'm not ready for a relationship right now, but i honestly dont know what else to do with the situation.He knows I dont want anybody else...!so; I dont see a problem with us just being with eachother....not saying that I dont wanna be with him.

Well, You get the idea!**********"Whats wrong?" I gentley asked, playing with one of his earrings. Suddenly, he started getting angry...

was it something I said?

"Jay...If you 'need me forever' like you just said you do...then why in the hell wont you let me claim you?!" "I'm not sure...Its just that---" "Rodney hurt you." "...yeah, and--" "I CANT BELIEVE YOU!" He yelled, cutting me off once more. I didnt understand...and yet, I saw so clearly. "How could you even compare me to that bitch-ass nigga?! I'm not him!" I was worried by now... "I know that Nell, but---" "No. No Buts..." He replied, his words trailing off. I know he's hurt...but i'm hurt, too.

He got up and started heading toward the door. I just stared at him as he continued to yell. "I shouldn't have to suffer because of the sh.t he did!! It's f.ckin stupid, Jay. And you know it..." "Why are you leaving?" I asked, getting closer to tears by the second. I just wanted him to hold me, and to wipe my tears away. But he wasn't anywhere close to that...

"I'm not comin' back 'till you over that sh.t. I'm serious about you...& You still stuck on that otha Nigga?! Hell Nah, I aint sign up for that sh.t!" He slammed the door shut & I just blankly shared at it.************I had nothing left to say.He was right about everything.I dont wanna hold back....I'm just afraid to fall for anyone else.

i think for the first and probably only time i agree with carnell. jaylyn's just waiting precious time playing it safe. ifshe wasn't ready for him than why'd she try and play games with him. somehow she needs with her fear asap, before she really loses him.upz.

got damn, its true.I am sprung.----------Ricky came in and pretty much overlooked the fact that I was cryin' my f.ckin eyeballs out. I dunno, I just...I couldn't stop. Ricky danced around and continued singing.

Don't tell me, just show meCuz if you say you love me when you touch meYour body should say so, make you scream ohDon't ever fight the feeling when you feel it...--day 26.

Faggot ass Nigka. He caught a glance of me and immediately walked over non-chalantly while taking his ipod out of his ears. "Ayo, Man. Who died?"

Yeah.That right there shows you how much I cry.I never fuckin cry.

"Nobody man." "Then what up wit chu?!" He asked, surprised. His eyes got wide when I said her name. "Jay...she just, got me wiled up." I stopped crying then, and wiped my eyes wit my beater. I felt like too much of a pussy.

Ricky hasn't seen me cry since our Grandpop died.Shit, I haven't cried period since then....& that was over 3 years ago.I sniffed as he plopped down on the bed. I just layed there, starring at the ceiling like some emo kid.

"Yo, dawg...what happened?" "She thinks ima do her like Rodney did! Can you believe that shit?! I know I aint the best person out there in the world but got damn! ...I cant believe she cant trust me. I'd do anything for her...and she scared to be wit me?! What da hell, man!" "Damn...thats hella stupid, bruh." "Man, I know!" I rolled my eyes, and kissed my teeth. This shit is whack. "All 'Cuz of that dumbass nigga..." I added, ready to cry all over again.

I dont get it....she just, got me feelin' like.Different.

"Cut her some slack, though. She just got outta somethin' serious, man. How long y'all been talkin?" "A month." He smiled. "Dude, give her some time. She'll bounce back!"

I shook my head.As much as I aint wanna think about her I still was.I couldn't help it.I'd give the world to be with her.But, I guess she just don't see it like that.

I aint never had it this bad for nobody...

"...Uh, I aint know you was into Faith." I said, breaking away from my deep thoughts. "Homegirls into Asians, and she got spunk! I like that..." I laughed as he grabbed his keys. "I'm out bruh; you sellin tonight?" "Nah...I aint in the mood." "Oh, Okay. Good... Love ya, man." "I love you too..."

I sighed.I wanted to see her so bad.but; whats the point if she dont wanna see me?