Chocolate Animal Bars

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Salient
PO Box 600
Wellington

Nestlé Consumer Services
PO Box 1784
Auckland

3rd March 2004

RE: CHOCOLATE ANIMAL BARS

To whom it may concern,

I’m so hungry, I could eat a bear. Mmmm.

In this hectic day-to-day we like to call ‘student media’, we can often work as many as 10, 15, 20 or even a million hours a day. And at 4 in the morning, when your designer’s faffing and you’re fighting sleep, it’s the small pleasures that get you from one conversation about font and point size to the next.

The snack machine invariably disappoints; towards the end of a busy week on campus, there is little left except for scraps of sugary detritus. The roll call of rejection: Cookie Time crumbs, one sad roll of spearmint Mentos, the evil muesli bar. So I think of childhood friends, and a dream I had of five different animals in every Chocolate Animal Bar, fifteen in all.

When Nestlé was still ‘nessuls’ and the spectre of Communism still haunted our land, the humble Chocolate Animal Bar brought a ray of chocolate animal sunshine into the Reddist of days. My question, then, Whom It May Concern, is this: where did they go? 100% of people polled in this office would eat them, were they to be reintroduced to the market, so I strongly urge you to consider this move.

Perhaps today’s sensibilities result in the general public shying away from eating endangered animals, even in chocolate form: lions, monkeys, giraffes and bears are, after all, the top of cool in the animal kingdom. What may be more appropriate, then, is to further the current paradoxical clime of ecological salvation via destruction, and have only noxious animals. Think of them as Chocolate Animal Bars Part 2: Hunting Season. You could have possums, chamois, ferrets, stoats, flopsy bunnykins and even the common cat. I guarantee you’d be on to a winner.

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