I · opened · myself · to · the · gentle · indifference · of · the · world

Back porch with Sam Adams

Tonight is Christmas Eve and there are far too many people to handle. I took a plate of carrots because I do not want to eat. As I walked past all the alcohol in the kitchen, I looked around. Everyone was engaged in this or that--"How's the job?" "I'm having some pistachios, anyone want some?"--and son on. I discreetly grabbed a Sam Adams lager from the large tin bin and hid it in my jacket. I got outside through the back foor in the basement and sat on the stairs leading up to the porch. I ate my carrots and stared at the bottle. Oh, so delicious, no wonder I could not resist and practiced the impulsivity I am mastering. I took the bottle and tried to twist the cap off. I put it in my mouth and tried to pry it off with my teeth.

Idiot. I needed a bottle opener. It was upstairs with all the guests. I staggered up the stairs and stood against the counter casually, smiling. I swiped the bottle opener and ran back to my spot. I had a blanket out there and sat on it, taking in the cool air and stars. "Here's to...here's to Sam Adams!" And I drank some more. Only one. It was the most delicious drink I had tasted in so long.

When I was finished I had no idea what to do with the bottle. There was a hole under the deck above the stairs, but I couldn't throw it because it was too high. So, I got on the ledge with the railing, shaking and almost falling, and gently inserted it into the dirt and leaves under the neglected little section of that deck. I jumped off and bumped my head and slammed my bad ankle--must have been at least nine feet--and sat for a second, trying to see straight. Then, I got back up, brushed off my clothes, swayed my way upstairs, and collapsed on my mother's bed, complaining of the pain in my ankle.

Hell, I probablyy would have ran outside to be alone, too. I hate the phoniness of holidays, we both just have to live through tomorrow. Sorry to hear about the ankle, the one beer doesn't seem like a problem to me.