Babies, Love, Life, and Everything in Between

My ex-partner and I began trying to get pregnant in the Spring of 2011. We created this blog to share our TTC process with other families. In October 2012, my partner and I split up. This blog chronicles my life through it all. The good, bad, and ugly.

Friday, May 24, 2013

I have a vial of sperm that I want to get rid of. I bought it in October and it has been stored at my doctor's office. It is California Cryobank Donor #12403. I will sell it for a fraction of what I paid for it. If you know of anyone that may be interested, pass my info along to them. Thanks!

Thursday, May 23, 2013

I am doing nothing this afternoon. Not working is incredibly boring. I am not sure why everyone looks forward to retiring. I have several leads on jobs and will probably have more work than I want starting the beginning of June, but I am really bored right now.

I have spent quite a bit of time this week doing some research on schools. I am looking at a few down on Long Island. While I am terrified at the prospect of packing up my life to be with someone 6 hours away, it also feels right. She and I talk about all of this rationally and have plans for if it doesn't work. It's a weird relationship for me because I feel like I am totally wrapped up in "the new" typically. It's not like that with her. I don't know if it's because we live far apart so we process the shit out of everything or if it is just a much healthier relationship than I normally get myself into. It's really good though.

I went to my third crossfit class today. It was crazy hard. I felt like I was going to puke about half way through, but I finished anyway. It never sounds that hard when they are explaining it to you, but the reality of is kinda miserable. While I spend the entire workout cursing and saying I will never do it again, I leave feeling like I conquered the world. I understand why everyone says it's addicting. I am pretty sure I will not be able to move my arms tomorrow though!

Monday, May 20, 2013

I am officially in a new relationship. She and I have been talking/seeing each other for a couple months and it is easy and fun and intense. She is beautiful and kind and funny. Here's the catch... she lives in New York. We have spent a few weekends together and talk every day, but I am worried about the distance. We talked about me moving down there (my life is more portable), but it's scary. How do you know if it is worth moving for without just taking the plunge? And would I hate living on Long Island?

Anyway, I really like her. She is working on finishing her personal training certification and interns at a crossfit place. She eventually wants to be a crossfit coach. It's pretty cool. After a year of my brother telling me that I should try crossfit and the fact that Traci is all about it, I decided I should give it a whirl. One word... torture! I went last Tuesday and my quads are still screaming! I am going to go again tomorrow morning with a friend of mine and hopefully I will not be quite as sore this week. I doubt it though! While it was really hard and it hurts like crazy, I felt a huge since of accomplishment when I made it through the workout. I feel like it is a lot more than I ever thought I would be able to accomplish.

Right now my work situation is dire. I have a nannying job that is typically one day a week, but will be 3 days a week in June. I am trying to find something else for the summer, but I am not sure what kind of job is best considering I have to go back to school in the fall. I have applied for a few more nanny jobs, so hopefully something works out. I am also having issues with trying to figure out student loans for the fall. UNE is ridiculously expensive and I don't have a cosigner for private student loans (Kristen's aunt used to cosign for them before). It has been incredibly stressful trying to figure out how to make it work, but maybe it's just not supposed to work. Maybe I need to find a new school or figure out a new plan. Who knows???

I just joined a church group that starts tomorrow night. The trip to Mexico really opened up my mind to the idea of religion. I ended up having a meeting with the pastor a couple weeks ago about his position on homosexuality. While he couldn't say it is totally ok, his best friend is gay and he feels like everyone deserves to be a part of his church. I can accept that. So, I am not entirely sure where Christianity fits into my life, I want to give it a chance. I know that there has to be something out there (possibly God) and I want to explore the possibilities. We'll see if this church group brings any clarity to me.

Anyway, that is pretty much what is going on in my life. Exciting new relationship, no work, sore quads, exploring theology, school issues... feels like a lot, but I am really hopeful right now. I have been able to be pretty optimistic about life for quite a while now, even when things are tough. I am really grateful for the life I have and for the amazing people in it.

Alright, I am off to have a coffee with a friend and then I am going to make myself run today, sore quads or not. Wish me luck!

Wednesday, April 24, 2013

Seeing as how I have been thinking about Mexico non-stop, I figure it is only appropriate to add photos to the blog. They are kind of random because I don't have all the pictures on my computer, but hope you enjoy! :)

This week has been filled with racing thoughts. What if I was to leave school and go down to Juarez? I know it seems pretty dumb to even thing about, but what is the importance of a degree if my heart is going to be elsewhere? I am drawn there; like I finally found my purpose. I have always wanted to do some kind of service work (PeaceCorps, etc.) but haven't had the opportunity yet. Now that the opportunity has presented itself, do I walk away and hope that another chance arises?

Before we left for the trip the group leader told us that no one will understand the experience unless they have lived it. It is so true. This week has been incredibly rough trying to explain a spiritual, emotional, and physical experience that many Americans will never have. One of the Casas por Cristo volunteers explained it very well when he described the feeling of "being more alive than ever before." But again, if you haven't walked in those shoes, you can't imagine the humility, inspiration, joy, and devastation that the week brought. I don't know if everyone in the group experienced it, but I know that this was a life changing experience.

Right now, I feel like everyone is thinking I am a total flake... maybe I am. Maybe I will continue walking through my life uncertain of my next step or next destination. But what is wrong with that? We all go about the motions of school, work, retire, die... is that what it's about? Maybe being a flake is right where I need to be. Maybe I need to see the world, experience everything there is out there, try every occupation possible. Who knows??? What I do know is that my heart is in Juarez. I feel like I left my home behind. Totally crazy considering I was only there for a week, I don't speak the language, and I am a big lesbian. (Not a super open place for gays.) I have more thinking to do; more soul searching. Hopefully I can find a way to follow my heart. Although it is flakey, I want nothing more from life than to be a blessing to others and feel at peace with myself.

Well, there is a stream of consciousness blog post for you! I hope you and your families are well! Happy Wednesday! :)

Sunday, April 21, 2013

I just got back from Mexico last night. I went to Juarez on a short term missions trip with a church that my father belongs to. We went with an organization called Casas Por Cristo to build three houses for families in need. Then once the houses were complete, we spent two days at orphanages in the city.

It seems like I have been gone
forever, but it also feels like it went by really fast. The trip was
humbling in so many ways. We spent the first three days building our houses
and the last two days at an orphanage playing with children and doing
some painting for them. It was an amazing experience. The director of
the orphanage asked me if I would like to come down to volunteer there
for the summer. I am very torn. While my heart is there, I am worried
that I will not want to come back. I want to finish school, but also
feel like maybe there are other things that are more important in life.
I am not sure where to go from here.

I have always had a really hard time with the whole God thing. Not that I don't believe that there is "something" but I just don't know if the God of the bible exists. Whatever God there is, he was present this week. And our team motto turned into "we are right where God wants us to be," which took on several meanings throughout the week.

It was amazing to see how
kind, generous, and humble the people in Juarez are. Despite the fact
that they live in complete poverty, they share everything they have and
always greet you with a smile. It was eye opening to see the difference
between the US and there. Americans have everything, every opportunity
and yet we still complain and are unhappy. It brings about all kinds
of guilty feelings.

Anyway, I am sure that I will have the
chance to share more with you as time goes on, but right now (as you can
tell) my brain is still processing all of it. It was an amazing
experience and I hope that I have the opportunity to go back very soon.
I feel drawn to that city and its people.

One of the team leaders wrote this in the church blog and I think it was an extremely important part of our experience. When we were driving along this stretch of highway, the van with 14 people in it fell completely silent. There is no way to reconcile the poverty on the right with the overindulgence on the left. Steph said, "as we drove into El Paso the highway ran along the border between the
United States and Mexico for several minutes. To the left were the
suburbs of El Paso, and to the right, on the other side of the border
fence, was Juarez. The difference is as stark as the line on a dirty
windshield where the wipers won’t reach. To compare the multimillion
dollar houses with the 11 foot by 20 foot home we had just built, a home
that could be duplicated for dozens of mexican families with the money
that it cost to build one of those Texas homes, was like a fist in my
chest. I can’t imagine what it must be like to live on the lower side of
the fence and look up at the wealth above any more than I can imagine
looking down at the scattered shacks and huts that serve as houses from
my thousand dollar couch in my million dollar home."

I know that this is pretty scattered, but I wanted to get some of these thoughts down while they are fresh. I will try to write more soon and fill in details. I hope you are all doing well in blogland!
-Ashley

Thursday, February 14, 2013

SO, after a second and third opinion (and another test), the previous diagnosis has been deemed incorrect. Major win for me! I am perfectly healthy, so when the time is right, I will get pregnant without any preconceived ideas about the horrible things that I am passing on to my baby. I can breathe again.

I started school five weeks ago and it is going great! It is a lot of work, but I suppose that pre-med students should be working hard. I have an A average in all of my classes right now (even precalculus and mollecular bio). I am feeling really good about that! I may not end up with A's at the end of the semester, but it is nice to start out strong. Also, all of the cool stuff I am learning is just amazing. I am totally in heaven!

I am dating someone that is pretty special. I don't have time to go into a lot of detail, but the long and short of it... she is kind, intelligent, funny, generous, and ridiculously beautiful! We are taking the dating thing really slow which is nice. Not my typical M.O. (or the typical lesbian M.O.) but it has been great!

Anyway, I will write more soon. Just thought I would give you all a HAPPY update for once. Hope everyone had a wonderful Valentine's Day! :)