Utah is, according to Wikipedia, the 13th largest state in the United States of America by total area. This is only slightly larger than my home state, which blows my mind because I’ve just driven across the whole darn state and y’know what? There’s a lot of Utah.

I entered Utah at like, let’s say 2 PM on Thursday, and I still am not out of Utah. At this point, I’m unsure that I’ll ever run out of Utah. I drove on I-70 in Utah for hours. I am uncertain that I’m not still driving in Utah.

Features of Utah

Many. There’s a big city and three big ol’ universities and like a whole religion who chills out there.

Features of the Bit of Utah that I Saw

Few. Very, very few. I drove from the Colorado border on I-70 to technically the Arizona border of I-15. What I saw between those two places are as follows:

Land

Two (2) Municipalities

A Seven Eleven

Sign that would’ve said Mile 69 but instead said Mile 68.999 I presume because people kept taking the Mile 69 sign

And that, in whole, is Utah in my mind’s eye. I know there’s more out there, but I didn’t come into vision of it.

Perks of Utah

Please reread the list I put earlier in the piece about two sentences ago and search for my mention of the local law enforcement.

Please stop searching the list for them, because they’re not there. They’re also not on the I-70 corridor of Utah. At points during my voyage down I-70, I got tailgated, which is to be expected. I rarely expect to get tailgated when going fifteen over the speed limit, but it happens, and it just so happens that I was going fifteen over the speed limit in an 80 MPH zone, which implies that traveling at a rate of 100 MPH probably wasn’t going to be enough for at least one particular white 1990s GMC pickup and the other cars who did this exact thing but whose makes and models I forgot about.

My point is that you can speed in Utah as much as you want and the only thing stopping you is your inner conscience. This would seem dangerous, and indeed it is, but really every second we spend in a car is more self-inflicted danger than our ancestors in the 18th century would’ve probably inflicted upon themselves in a lifetime. I understand it, though. The problems everywhere else seems to be drunk driving, and from what I can see, the big religion in ol’ Utah doesn’t seem to drink at all! Not even a dang Zima or Smirnoff Ice!

In most other states, like my home one, they’ve gotta put up these huge signs that are like “Don’t Drive Drunk!” which I think is a noble pursuit. The Mormon church’s abstention from alcohol probably saves the state loads of money per year because they don’t have to put those signs out, and they also don’t have to put the cops out on the roads apparently because of it and Joe gets to drive 100 MPH on accident.

Oddly enough, the Mormon church’s temperance did force a few signs to be put up – I saw several signs warning of the dangers of drowsy driving, something that could be saved by a lovely cup of the classic Coffee, which the Mormon people from what I understand do not enjoy.

Drawbacks of Utah

I can drive forever and never leave

Kyle Beckerman

Overall Objective Score Regarding Utah

Let’s say, like eight? Seven maybe? Seems fine. I didn’t see the parts of the state where, like, the vast majority of the people live, but I made it through enough. What I got was inoffensive, unending, and ultimately, it was Utah, which is apparently worth 7 or 8 on the objective review scale.