A law to force parents to RSVP to kids’ parties: We’re in!

Well, our newest partner, STARZ, asked me to do just that, and took me, oh, about a minute to decide what I would do if I assumed the throne.

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Now of course I’d want to devote billions of dollars or pounds or yen or rupees toward ensuring my citizens were safe, healthy and prosperous. That should go without saying. But my very first act:

Legislating timely RSVPs for children’s parties.

(What? I’m a queen! I can totally make that a law. And if you’re a parent I know you support me.)

In my 12 years of parenting, I’ve heard nearly every excuse imaginable:

The invitation in our kids’ backpacks never made it out of the backpack. The e-invitation ended up in spam. I got too busy. I wrote the date wrong.

Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope.

Even worse, I have thrown the Party Where No One Came. And it was not fun.

I have sat, staring at food and beverages for 40 — a whole bowl of homemade Sangria no less! — with my new 1 year old dressed and ready in her birthday finest, as I fielded 26 “oops, can’t make it!” calls and texts from so-called friends moments before the start time.

Oops, that was today??

Sorry, my little one is under the weather.

I totally forgot this falls right in the middle of naptime.

I meant to tell you: We extended our vacation an extra few days.

It’s just too far to make it all the way to Brooklyn. Yes, I know we only live three subway stops away…

But am I bitter? All these years later?

Absofreakinglutely.

(Although admittedly the bitterness has been tempered a bit by time.)

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That’s why, under my sovereign rule, any such excuses, if deemed inexcusable by my own Completely Subjective BS Meter™ (CSBSM) would be punishable by a fine of each guest’s per-party cost multiplied by forty, plus public social media humiliation at my discretion.

That said, I’m not entirely unreasonable.

And for that reason, I will also declare that any and all past RSVP offenses that occurred before the implementation of the new law, shall be dismissed upon receipt of a simple, heartfelt apology from the offending parents. Because uh…