Oscar-nominated director Jim Sheridan is known for movies like My Left Foot, In the Name of the Father, In America, and Get Rich or Die Tryin’ (one of these things is not like the others, one of these things just doesn’t belong). He seems to be continuing his “lol wut” career trajectory with Dream House starring Daniel Craig, Naomi Watts, Rachel Weisz, and Elias Koteas, all of whom deserve better than this. The film releases September 30th, one year after it was supposed to come out. The delay was for reshoots (always a good sign), which had to be delayed a year because Daniel Craig had better sh-t to do.

Kind of sad that the guy who made My Left Foot is now making a horror movie reminiscent of cheesy ’70s gimmicks like haunted houses, secret dwarf hookers, “it was all a dream OMGZORS”, and “the killer was you the whole time”. Let’s just plow through this depressing development and describe this awful, movie-spoiling trailer.

Daniel Craig quits his “high power job in Manhattan” to relocate his hot wife and two adorable, never-bratty kids to a “quaint New England town”. This never happens in cinema. Soon weird things go down and they find out a murder occurred before they moved in, which they weren’t informed of by the realtor because laws don’t exist in this movie universe. The wife and two kids who used to live in the house were murdered and the only suspect was the husband, who was institutionalized because deinstitutionalization never happened in this universe either. Craig goes to the mental institution to talk to the guy for some reason, and he finds out *record scratch/spoiler alert* he is that guy and his family was dead the whole time. WHAT A TOTALLY ORIGINAL CONCEPT, AND PERFECTLY BEFITTING INCLUSION IN THE TRAILER. Gaaah, f–k you, Dream House trailer. I hate you so much.

HD is available at Apple if you need it. Also, why would you need it? I WANT ANSWERS.

Does the ghost of the pizza man his wife was fucking deliver dinner at all? That would be funny. Not like “Ha ha!” funny, more like, “Who thought up this targ-forshak?” funny.

07.21.11 at 1:05 pm

The Eagle

Poor Jim Sheridan. This is like when Scorsese and De Niro had to make that shitty Rocky knock-off.

07.21.11 at 1:06 pm

Shop 101

All I’m getting from this is a Mr. & Mrs. Smith vibe only it’s Aronofsky instead of Aniston getting fucked.

07.21.11 at 1:07 pm

John Chimpo

Yeah, this movie wasnt all that great the first time, when it was called Shutter Island. F you, Hollywood.

07.21.11 at 1:09 pm

GlennBeckHasAIDS

Screw the Native Americans, the disintegration of inner city ghettos and Florida, Naomi Watts is our real national tragedy. We owe her better acting jobs than this for giving us the spanktastic lesbian scenes in Mulholland Drive.

07.21.11 at 1:11 pm

Morton Salt

Funny but true: The reshoots were required because in all of the pre-twist scenes Craig had a mustache. That scene of him in the doctor’s office where his hair-style changes used to also include the disappearance of the mustache. The problem was that test-audiences refused to believe Craig-with-a-‘stache was a straight family man and not a rough-trade hustler. In related news, Daniel Craig gives fantastic mustache rides. So I’ve heard.

07.21.11 at 1:17 pm

Farthammer

Then the house appeared behind Craig. When he turned around, the house was Bill Murray and it said “Nobody will ever believe you.” And it ran off.

What you have here is what we call a non-repeating phantasm, or a class-5 free roaming vapor, real nasty one too. It says it’s willing to short sell you the house if you let it finger bang Naomi Watts.But let’s talk serious. For the entrapment, we’re gonna ask you for 4 big ones. $4,000 for that, but we are having a special this week on proton charging, and storage of the beast, so we are gonna ask for $1,000. That’s $5000 and a finger bang. Deal?

07.21.11 at 2:10 pm

buh

I hate everything too! It sucks when great directors make horror movies, like when that hack Kubrick made the Shining or Hitchcock made the Birds and Psycho and Polanski’s horror movies and Spielberg’s too!!!

Also this doesn’t look like it’s spoiling the twist, which changes everything you thought you knew at the end. This looks like something you find out in the first half hour/40 minutes and the rest of the movie is about that.

But I hate everything!!!!!

07.21.11 at 2:12 pm

Put It On The Underhills

@buh: You make some sense… but you’re not comparing this to The Shining, or Birds, or Psycho, are you?

However, seconded: the premise of this blog post seems way off. I bet the “Daniel Craig is really the institutionalized killer father” “twist” is in the first 20-30 pages of the screenplay.

07.21.11 at 3:40 pm

MeatJohnDoe

Buh: Give that exclamation point button a rest before it falls off. Have you tried caps lock? I think you would like it.

07.21.11 at 11:08 pm

lydiamwr

Then the house appeared behind Craig. When he turned around, the house was Bill Murray and it said “Nobody will ever believe you.” And it ran off.
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