meh

So I thought I needed to proper vent but the words cannot come out typical I will say this I am not safe I am not okay. I cannot fight these thoughts, knowing no one around me has no idea what is going on. And worse of all those who do know what is going on have little interest because they believe nothing is fundamentally wrong, and the one person who did care is fucking dead. Family what family I thought a mother loved their child unconditionally really go on tell me that is true? And the thing is I cannot even help the people who need me because I am so self absorbed in my own world trying to fight myself to fight killing myself but I do not want to worry them, because then I feel so guilty for speaking out.

Then THEN I try the doctors if no one can help me they have to right? So what do they do sign me of work and told me I am doing fine. I told them I was planning to kill myself told them the method and told them I was pretty much set in doing it, so well clearly according to them there is not a problem so why should I worry so much, also I cannot still get the therapy I need until September as it is not available til then well that is nice.

So if no one wants to take me seriously that is fine I am going to fade away I am not saying when but I have it all planned out hopefully they will not even find a body hopefully, and no one is going to notice so I have no guilty and anyone who thinks there is a way through this I have tried and that is all I wanted to do tried so I am done. I will just kick back and enjoy my remaining time knowing the pain will end soon, those who need me I will try and help, if I can.

I know what you are going through. Those evil thoughts telling you all those lies to get you to off yourself are not really your thoughts. Why would you be so mean to yourself on purpose? Why should you be blamed for things out of your control? I take you very serious and it is a serious issue that needs to be looked at as such. This is where it is important to be able to sort out thoughts that are yours and thoughts that are not yours and to reject the thoughts that are not yours. If they were truly yours you would not have a war going on in your head am I right?? YOU know that you want to live, yet you are being attacked constantly by these alien thoughts telling you all kinds of negative lies to keep you from accomplishing it. It is not a normal thing to attack yourself for wanting to live and have peace. I am not saying your abnormal, but I am telling you that something does want you dead, and if you listen to it, and stop fighting it, it will win. Listen to YOU. Find the you in the chaos, and listen to the voice and thoughts of hope and reason. I hope you will find the answers you seek soon, and open your mind to the truth before giving up completely.Blessings..

Please stay at the site if you are not feeling safe. We don't want to lose you, i don't want to lose you. I want you to be safe and i so much wish you could find some support, and that things will get better. I know it's not the same, but at least here, you are not alone. We are all here with you. I'm not the best support at the moment but i do care and i am here. **hug**

Please try to keep holding on, fellow. :hug:

You are a very special person and you have such a good and kind heart.

There is nothing wrong with speaking out when you have needs. Honest. Please try not to feel guilty about that. is there anywhere else you can try to get the therapy you need? Any other available resources? Have you joined a grief and loss support group?

After what you've been through, people should really be there for you...you shouldn't be alone with it. It's not right at all. :console:

You might not be talking to the right people, and the people who you've spoken to aren't hearing, listening or acting. So many things are going wrong with your care.

You need to get assessed by your CMHT properly- it sounds like if this happened, they did not hear you properly and didn't think you needed CPN/social worker support or close monitoring- and you sound like you're in a crisis right now.

I tried the hospital route I just got told after explaining to about eight different people and hanging around all day that "I was doing fine". Right now the only comfort I can feel, is knowing I can end it anytime I wish.

You say that no one would notice you gone but that is so wrong. I would, many here on SF would because we care about you and take you seriously. Please please hold on Rich... There is a way out of depression (and the way is not suicide).

I'm doing fine myself but one year ago I joined here because then I felt exactly like you do right now. I want to reach you as I know how you feel, I wish I could give you a little hope... Because there is :console: I'm a living proof and I'm not the only one.

I tried the hospital route I just got told after explaining to about eight different people and hanging around all day that "I was doing fine". Right now the only comfort I can feel, is knowing I can end it anytime I wish.

Click to expand...

I know what you mean. And having the option of killing yourself can be a great comfort when you're met with reactions like that, which sounds disgusting to be honest. I'm really sorry to hear you went through such BS when you went to hospital last. Thing is, (and I've been to A+E many many times that I've ever had to in the last year and half) there are different workers in the liasion team, and they work in shifts, and you can get real gems who will listen, taking your life seriously when it is most needed.

The truth of it is I gave myself one last chance to fix things right and it didn't work out, so why should any one care if I do not. I can honestly put my hand on my heart and say I tried, I did everything I could of done, no one in the real world will notice family will not, friends will not, they will move on after maybe a week or so.

The only reason I have stayed around so long is maybe to punish myself I do not know, it feels like I deserve this hurt and pain. I know I cannot live with this and I also know that there are no options available to me, I know as well it is not the cowards way out it is not the easy way out. I just wish I could do it right now but something is stopping me right now, maybe I am waiting to get my timing right so people have just think I have gone away. I am unsure, all I know is I cannot fight these thoughts not now it is too tiring sorry.

Thing is, it doesn't take one chance to fix things, it can take months and sometimes years, and a lot of looking around for help. You are being really harsh on yourself, that way.

You feel tired, and you've done everything you could right now, and you don't want to fight anymore. I hear that. I don't know your friends and family, but I take your word for it- you don't feel they care or would hear you if you die.

What helps you when you are like this other than fantasising and planning suicide- does anything help? Music?

You do matter to me, Little_Me and others here, we'd both notice you're gone from here, not that this place is the best place to be- but we'd worry about what happened to you.

See I am sorry but I do not think I matter, I talk to no one about how I feel I keep it all bottled in because you know what I have had so many people turn there backs on me when they found out how I really feel what I really think and I cannot help the thoughts. I feel trapped and dissociated from everything I am restless but I sleep so much I used to sleep a few hours a night at the moment I am only awake a few hours at a time, so what is the point sorry I am just venting now the frustration inside of me is unbearable I cannot even relax or focus on anything for more then ten minutes at a time, is this really a life worth living I do not think so.

It's okay to vent and don't be sorry, it's alright. Sleeping can be really good especially when you haven't been sleeping well. And how you're feeling about being betrayed when you open up- is so understandable. Having people turn their back on you, and not respect your feelings that you keep private- and is a huge risk to share- is very damaging- but you(only if you want and are ready) can slowly let them know about things, test the waters- and see how they react. I'm not talking about A+E here tho', more like a therapist you see regularly and working on issues such as trust. I know all this sounds far fetched at this point in time, and you don't even have to think about it right now, if it's too much.

Sometimes one day at a time, and taking each hour as it comes can mean you've saved your life, if you do survive this, and I really hope you do.

Awww Rich...you deserve more chances...please don't set limits on yourself. You deserve limitless chances...and i don't even think you are messing up or doing anything wrong...please believe me.

It sounds like you are doing what you are supposed to be doing, it's just everyone else is failing you :console: and i am so so sorry they are. It's not right and it's not okay.

You can't help what you feel, fellow. Honest. We feel what we feel (no right or wrong with that)...there is nothing wrong what you feel, although it sure can be uncomfortably miserable at times, ugh :sad:

Sometimes, and i often have to do this, we just have to roll with where we are. When i can't sleep for days on end, it only comes when i begin hallucinating, i try to kick back and accept that that is where i am at the moment. Same with eating, showering, being motivated. There are times i just have to say, well heck, this is just the way it is right now. It takes a little bit of the stress off as I'm not fighting it so hard or kicking myself.

I'm sure you have a lot of feelings and i'm not so sure you've been able to express them, have them heard, or convey them to others so they understand...and so you feel heard. I wish you could feel free enough here, to just keep sharing them. It's okay if you say the same thing over and over and over again. It's okay to do that, Rich. You need to share your thoughts and feelings, tell what happened, or tell your story, over and over again...it's okay. We will listen. It can actually help to do this. If you need to start 100 threads and just keep talking until you feel you've found your voice or feel you've managed to be heard...Do It Fellow! If you need to MSN us all and say the same thing over and over, it's okay. What you think is what you think...it's okay. You have a right to your thoughts, fellow. Maybe even get some of those feelings out about being betrayed by the therapist and others who are supposed to be there for you.

Gawd, it's awful when one knows they are Not Okay in any way, shape, or form, and then are told; You are fine. UGH UGH UGH UGH UGH! BS. We all know when we are not okay and it sucks dirt when no one hears us. Gawd, at least for me, i end up feeling so very alone when that happens and it's come close to pushing me over the edge on many occasions. :sad:

Hey, chin up a second and look into my eyes; You Do Not Deserve To Be Punished For Anything!!!! :no: Rich does NOT deserve pain or punishment :no: You've done nothing to warrant it. You deserve to be treated gently and with the utmost sensitivity, kindness, and care. :hug:

It might seem talking gets you nowhere, and for me it can even be exhausting. I just get so tired and then get to a point where i can't speak at all. Drained. Please keep trying though. When you are simply too tired to keep talking, at least be here at the site, and get a word or two out.

that was beautifully written Kali, I mean that as well I am just unsure of myself and who and what to trust now. I am tired of venting out, but at the same time all these thoughts flood in that I have no way of keeping in so they come out in the worse possible way and god am I tired of all this, every single day is a battle against myself, and then there is the outside world to contend with that is a battle in its self, the constant when are you going back to work the come on Rich your 26 you should be over all this, it is all in your head move on with your life, why are do you not want to come out, I just need time to myself to fix this one way or another but then when I do get the time like now my thoughts are just filled with one thing just one thing I know that can fix it I cannot see any other options the only way to take this all away, and you know what it seems completely rational to me.

I'm sorry you feel so bad Rich and I'm sorry I'm not much use to you at the moment...
I do understand how you are feeling ..I wanted you to know that....
please hold on....:hug: opcorn: :wub:

Have you tried a suicide survivors support group...I urge you to give it a try first....there will be others there who will understand what you've been through and can offer support......
I know how hard it is to deal with what you've been through alone......don't give up..

Rich, as bad as you're feeling and you took the time to welcome me in my intro thread. Knowing this makes it mean even more. I was an admin for a depression group for a while. Some days it was next to impossible to be there for anybody. While I would tell you not to feel guilty for writing about your own issues, I did the same thing. Even people that lead "normal" lives can't always be 100% and need to talk. I also take you seriously. I fully realize how final suicide is. It's not a matter to be taken lightly. It's a shame that people around you seem to be doing just that.

I spent all day in a hospital one time trying to get admitted to the psych ward. There was a person next to me there for the same thing. They were fine. They were singing, talking about how they hoped they got a tv in their room. They had been there multiple times. From the way they acted and things that I overheard it was obvious he was just an attention seeker. I was pretty much catatonic. Can you guess who was admitted and who wasn't?

I've kept in touch with people in the UK that also had to wait for treatment. It wasn't easy but they made it. One of them made a quick recovery and even got help to move away from their abusive family. Try to hold on. I can see there's people here that care, respect you, and would miss you.