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Friday, December 21, 2012

BDSM and Aftercare

I wrote this essay earlier this year to help people understand that there's more to BDSM than just "slap and tickle" and SEX++. You can read more of my writings on our sister blog here at curviesmuses.com.

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There is a mantra in the kinky corners of the world, “communication
is key”. It’s actually one of the pillars of any relationship based in
BDSM. Specifically it’s important to not just have communication but
open and honest communication. A great many people, those both
established and newish to the scene, may take this idea to mean that it
is a way to tell people what you want. This is only half the reason
open and honest communication is important. The other side of the coin
is just as important, if not more so, since it deals with letting others
know what you NEED.

There are times when it’s so easy to let your partner know what it is
that you want from them. “Move here”, “Do this”, “hurt there”, “suck
that”. It might be quite a breakthrough for many to get to that point
and it should in no way be dismissed as wonderful, but when it comes to
telling people what you need it can be a bit trickier.

Since “need” is such a primal influence on us it is also, by
definition, a very personal thing and typically not something that is
easy to share. Some of you will know and understand when I use the word
“need”. You’ll understand that I’m not talking about how you “need” a
cupcake or “need” a new pair of shoes. I’m talking about a need so base
in yourself that you may not understand it yourself. A need to submit,
to dominate, to hurt or be hurt or any number of other common (or hell,
uncommon) needs.. You may not ever know WHY you have this need, but it
is there regardless of what your mind thinks or does. That is a need
that can be quite hard to convey to someone else, not just because it’s
hard to wrap your mind around but also because it is so hard to put into
words.

These needs are nothing to be ashamed of as I hope each of you
understands. But that doesn’t mean they’re any easier to deal with in
terms of communicating within relationships.

So we all try, to the best of our abilities, to be open and honest
with our friends and partners about what it is that we NEED. Some of
what we need spills out in conversations, some through negotiation.
There will be times that your partner will guess at what you need so
that you’ll never have to actually voice it aloud. Sometimes, if you
are really lucky, you’ll have a partner that can just read your body or
your mind and help you achieve what you need.

Then again, there will be times when you will have to state plainly what it is that you need.

For most people negotiating a scene can be fun, if somewhat clinical.
It’s the start of something new and exciting! You’re going to be
playing or scening with someone and allowing them to get close to you in
a way that not many can. So maybe this is where you allow yourself to
start talking about your needs. Take me for example; when I negotiate
a scene I am sure to tell my scene partner that I NEED to be able to
talk and joke with them during the scene. That is something that took
me years to figure out that is very important to me, on a psychological
level. I NEED to be able to talk to them and check in with how they are
doing, so if I am not able to communicate with them during a scene I
know that I WILL have a problem.

So in this time of talking and negotiating, of communicating openly
and honestly, many people focus on their immediate needs. They focus on
what they want and need to feel during the scene. That’s to be
expected! Hell, encouraged!

The problem arises when we don’t look at our needs close enough to
see what we will need afterwards. What will we need once the cuffs come
off and the floggers are put away.
As some of you may know I was trained in BDSM and mentored under an
Old Guard Master and his boy. I was taught so many things by these
wonderful men. From how tos, to philosophies to phrases and more. But
one thing I was taught that I have found serves me more than all the
rest combined is “the scene is only over when everyone is safe”.

This was my first introduction to aftercare. Aftercare is the
process of making sure that those involved in a scene are happy, healthy
and safe after the “scene” ends.

As a top there are a number of things that I look to immediately
after the physical scene ends. I look to be sure my partner is
hydrated, water is best but anything non-alcoholic as needed. I make
sure they are warm, either blankets, towels or even putting clothes on
them. I make sure to TALK to them for a while after (unless they
request quiet) to be sure they can think and speak as per normal. I
make sure that I did not cross any boundaries, lines or limits with them
and that they are unharmed. Obviously the situation may change from
scene to scene and from partner to partner, but these are the things
that I need to do for my own sake as well as for theirs.

That’s right. I NEED to do these things after a scene. I also NEED
to talk to them over the next few days. To make sure that if they drop I
am there to help in whatever way I can. There are other things I NEED
in aftercare as well but the point is that these needs are no less
important than my need to talk during a scene. In many ways my
aftercare needs are MORE important because they make sure that I am able
to play and scene again without fear of doing harm.

Some people think that when a scene is over, that’s it. Time to move
on since everyone, hopefully, got their jollies. The problem is that
if a scene went perfectly people’s needs were fulfilled in exciting and
dynamic ways that can have lasting effects physically, emotionally and
mentally. If a scene did NOT go perfectly. . . well, it’s almost a
guarantee that there will be lasting effects.

Some people will need more aftercare than others. I know some people
that negotiate hours of cuddling and talking after a physical scene is
finished else they don’t play. I also know some that want to be left
strictly alone for at LEAST 30 minutes to compose themselves and then
just have a smoke and a smile. What people NEED to process a scene will
obviously differ depending on the scene and the person. But what is
important to remember is that these needs should never be forgotten nor
overlooked.

So if you are new to BDSM take some time and think about not just
what you want, but what you need to feel the way you want. Do NOT be
afraid to ask for what you need, in a scene or after a scene. If you
NEED to be bound and whipped, say so! If you NEED to be held and told
that you were such a good sub afterwards, SAY SO! If you NEED to just
hear that you’re still friends and get a pat on the rear, say so.
When dealing with the things that we do it becomes very important
that need outweigh embarrassment. After all, we all NEED you to be safe
so that we can all have fun!

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I hope that I was able to answer the question, or at the very least
give you some insight into how this sadist's mind deals with these
things.

If you have questions about BDSM, kink culture,
alternative sexuality, sadism or something specific for me please feel
free to send them to: darr_syn@curvysaftermidnight.com and I'll do our
best to answer them. You can also send them to my new twitter account @darr_syn at your leisure.

Those of you that are interested in
reading some of my older essays and writings you can head on over to
reddit.com and see a listing on them here.