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Between 1965 and 2008, smoking rates in men decreased faster than those in women. While more men smoke than women (one in four compared to one in five), the gap is closing, and women seem to have more trouble quitting smoking than their male counterparts. Fears of weight gain and difficulty coping with stress might have something to do with it.

“Studies at Yale have found that women and men smoke for different reasons,” she explains. “In general, women tend to smoke to reduce stress and modulate the feelings that we all have. Men smoke for the stimulation,” says Carolyn Mazure, PhD, professor of psychology and psychiatry and director of women’s health research at Yale University.

The patch doesn’t work as well for women. Men are often successful with nicotine delivery systems like the patch, partly because they still get some of the stimulation they used to get from cigarettes. But for women, explains Mazure, the patch lacks the ritual that was part of their stress management. In addition, some research suggests that the female brain processes nicotine differently, so the patch and other nicotine delivery systems aren’t good replacements.

Women often smoke to control their weight. Smoking does help some women manage their weight — and quitting smoking can lead to weight gain. “It makes no sense to deny that,” says Mazure. Instead of trying to minimize the issue of weight, quitting strategies should acknowledge the possibility of weight gain and adapt to it.

Women’s bodies don’t always cooperate. Women’s bodies go through more severe withdrawal symptoms, especially during menstruation. The menstrual cycle can make it harder to quit smoking, especially if PMS amplifies a woman’s feelings of stress, depression, and general chaos in her life.

Women are more likely to relapse when stressed. Experts emphasize than women smoke to try to manage stress. With that in mind — and knowing that most smokers will have to try quitting several times before succeeding — it’s not surprising that women may be more likely to return to smoking when stress and anxiety strike.

How to Stop Successfully Smoking

The traditional approach has been for family, friends, and physicians to emphasize the health effects of smoking — both the benefits women will reap if they stop smoking and the possible negative outcomes (such as cancer) if they continue smoking. There’s only one problem with these arguments, experts say: They aren’t effective. “We have to understand women’s fears about quitting,” says Mazure, and work with those fears to help women achieve success in kicking the habit.

Solutions to help women stop smoking include:

Accepting weight gain. Realistically, a woman’s weight isn’t going to change drastically, but Mazure says allowing yourself a bit of a window for some weight gain is important. She adds that women should think of managing the extra pounds as the next step after quitting smoking. “The goal isn’t just smoking cessation; the ultimate goal here is healthy living,” she says.

Managing stress. Mazure says that for many women, smoking is a way to get through tough moments — a hard day at work, a fight with a spouse, an ailing or elderly parent who needs attention. Finding strategies to help manage that stress without smoking is key to their success.

Overwriting triggers to smoke. Women in particular may have worked smoking into soothing daily rituals — first thing in the morning with coffee, a smoke break with friends at work, or a lull in caregiving. “You want people to break away from those kinds of cues,” says Mazure.

So if your male colleague boasts that he quit cold turkey, bite your tongue. It might be true, and it may have worked for him. But for women, smoking is a much more “complex but understandable story,” says Mazure. It’s time to write your own smoking cessation narrative.