Tuesday, October 27, 2015

I am at an age where a lot of friends and acquaintances come to complain about their lives.

I have been collecting some stories, while I run away from other recurring ones.

If you have a sob story, and you repeat it - the same fucking story - 900 fucking times, get the fuck out of my face.

Basically, the general unhappiness of people from my generation right now is coming from unfulfilled expectations. A lot of my peers I find, in this impromptu, unscientific study, are unhappy because they thought, erroneously, that:

1. Getting married will end their loneliness

2. Having a house, car, etc will calm them down from any sort of anxiety.

3. That their parents will approve of them, if they follow THE PLAN.

Well:

1. Loneliness is a state of mind.

It is not a medical affliction. It is emotional. It is not physical. The reason why people are lonely stems from a feeling of inadequacy, lacking, longing.

Most people try to fill this desire with more people or things. This doesn't really work. Loneliness can only be cured by accepting loneliness. Accepting yourself.

You can and should enjoy your own company. This is why, people who are not lonely, who are okay with themselves, generally have more friends, know more people and have more fun.

Think about it. How can other people enjoy your company, when you don't enjoy your own?

I spent most of my years alone. Kids at school never really understood what I was saying most of the time. I was off in my own world. I learned to amuse myself. Whatever.

2. Material possessions are nice.

But they don't really make you happy.

For example, take a sports car. You want a sports car, or you can insert anything here. A house, a supermodel wife, a toyboy husband, an Iphone 6, 6,000 dollar shirts, status, positions within a company, blablabla. Anything you can ever desire.

Now, does owning a sports car directly makes you happy?

How?

A sports car makes me happy because _______.

And then:

________ makes me happy because ________.

Let me simulate one.

A sports car makes me happy because I can travel in style.

Travelling in style makes me happy because people will look at me and admire me.

Having people look at me and admire me makes me happy because I am an attention-seeking whore.

Ah yes, ALL desires and wants for material things stems from one of our archetypes, one of our personalities - the attention-whore.

In some people, this is all they are. They do everything, so they can look good, or better than other people. These are complete attention-whores.

Now, I am not saying that being an attention-whore is good or bad. But if you're an attention-whore, you're an attention-whore.

3. No one can approve of you.

No one can, and no one will.

Our society, our species, is extremely self-centered. Most people are obsessed about how they look to other people, without having the time or energy to care about how other people look. Can you see the irony?

They only care about how other people look, IN RELATION TO, how they look.

Self-centered, ego-centric, insecure bitches - that's what we are.

So after accepting the fact that no one in the world can or will approve of you, actually eliminates a lot of worry.

Some sneaky fucktards will try to sneak in and try to convince you that their approval is worth it. No. Their approval means nothing, because they mean nothing. Not to you.

In each person's case, the most powerful person, is that person itself. Therefore the greatest, most powerful approval (or disapproval), is the one that the person can give to itself.

Saturday, October 24, 2015

I've gone through many of these trendy personal training or New Age
stuff. Been through Asiaworks, The Secret and eventually, the ultimate
truth - A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle.
Of all these, Eckhart Tolle's teachings is the only one I find useful.
I mean, I tested The Secret by visualising getting a bag of stolen drug
money in Thailand and after three days of extremely enjoyable
holidaying, no bag of stolen drug money.
Asiaworks is great but the problem is how everything devolves into
zealotry. Eckhart Tolle is the only one that is constantly useful,
especially when facing extremely stressful situations. Especially when I
encounter people who try to disprove these personal training or New Age
stuff.
It's always there. People who go and try to prove that anything you care
about, be it your religion, beliefs, superstitions, favourite music,
films or anything in particular.
Tolle said it's like the situation when somebody says, "My car is big. I have a big car."
Another person might say, "My uncle's car is bigger." It doesn't matter
if it's his uncle's or his teacher's or his sister's. The point is, by
making someone less, then they believe they become bigger. This, is the
ego. Trying to be bigger, as always.
The feeling to push others, even at least mentally, to be smaller, to
show the faults and flaws in someone's beliefs or arguments or whatever,
can either be totally emotionless and egoless (admittedly quite rare)
or more commonly, driven by emotion and a sense of being more.
And at the end of it all, at the core of everything, there is no more or less when it comes to the self.

Friday, August 21, 2015

If I was given a wish that will came true, i wouldnt ask much. I just wanted to be normal.

For all my life, things have never gotten easy. There's a downfall to every mountain that i tried to climb.

I tried to be one and like always, failed.

The idea of being perfect and normal had possessed me for years now. It felt like, you wanted to run but you carried a heavy weight that tied to your ankle. Even when you tried so hard to breath, you forgot that you are breathing underwater.

Saturday, August 15, 2015

"Then
it don't matter. I'll be all around in the dark - I'll be everywhere.
Wherever you can look - wherever there's a fight, so hungry people can
eat, I'll be there. Wherever there's a cop beatin' up a guy, I'll be
there. I'll be in the way guys yell when they're mad. I'll be in the way
kids laugh when they're hungry and they know supper's ready, and when
the people are eatin' the stuff they raise and livin' in the houses they
build - I'll be there, too." - Tom Joad; The Grapes of Wrath, John Steinbeck; 1939.

You see, having a group of people around you and depending on them could
also result in extremely bad things. The group, in an interest of
survival, could rabidly defend its members, regardless of what they are
defending. The individual ego is fortified by the group ego and
individual common sense is often forfeited just for the strengthening of
the image of the group.
I do not believe in families or groups. I recognize the benefits of
separate entities pooling resources together to achieve a greater goal,
but I do not subscribe to tribalism or circle-jerking. You know what a
circle-jerk is? It's when all members of a group defends the actions of
each other with no self-reflection or fairness. It is when false praise
is heaped on each other just because one is in the same group.
Not to say I favour betrayals, which is to me the number one crime that
can be committed by any human, but I believe that self-reflection and
discarding the ego as well as image - both individual and as a group -
to be vital in self-improvement.
In order to attain peace, one must embrace the truth. There is no truth in shallow circle-jerking groups.
I am not denying its power - whole nations are founded on circle-jerking
as do profitable companies. It is simply something I personally do not
prefer, as with all lies, it carries with it its own seed of
destruction.
With lies, there can never be true happiness, which is a situation
without want; an absence of want. Circle-jerking is founded on very
strong desires - the desire to belong.
There can never be true happiness in circle-jerking each other.

Sunday, July 19, 2015

Ive always been hoping and cling to god on how i wish i could be just like everyone else. My desire on being normal and to fit in. I wish i am normal. To felt anxious and fear is not fun. Having people to laugh at you when they see you tremble in fear is not funny at all. I could fake a smile. I could fake my laugh. But i can never fake my heart on how i felt.

Please dont make fun of me. Im not crazy. I'm so tired to fake my laugh and my smile. To hide my hands and legs when it starts to felt wrong. I just want it to stop.

Thursday, July 9, 2015

I needed the vacation. I developed anxiety issues in recent months and
that manifested in several ways.
A far cry from four packs a day, but I was frustrated that I got back to my old stressed out days.
Things start to go wrong, but like any gambler, you double down, hoping
to make good on some losses. Smoking four packs a day,
eating whatever, whenever.
My calmness was shattered. I began to allow
myself to be affected by idiots again, by liars and pretenders.
Motherfuckers all of them. Not worth a single hair on my ass.
Apparently, even while sitting down quietly and waiting, my energy was
one of anxious anticipation. See, I like being smarter than everyone
else, and to me, being smarter meant I could anticipate any and all
moves, all the time, every time.
I run countless continuous simulations inside my head on how things will
unfold. This is extremely useful, but I had begun incorporating
it into my personal being and this easily becomes toxic.
Whenever you anticipate the outcomes of any situation, you will flag all
the bad ones as well. In fact, you will focus more on the bad
possibilities and come up with plans and contingencies for each separate
bad possibility.
I have always been extremely lucky, but I am also never wrong whenever I
anticipate the evil in humanity. I understand the evil that lurks in
the hearts of men. And women. And things.
Alliances are made,
and broken. The backstabbing, back-biting and blood-letting is silly
because none of them are fighting for RM42 billion or even a
RM42,000/month salary. It's pathetic and insulting. A lot of Malaysians
do not live in gratitude. Tak sedar dek untung, cakap orang Melayu.
Meanwhile, in some of the seedier underbellies of global prostitution,
there are people whose jobs it is to suck dicks every day. Their daily
drama is 'can I suck enough dicks today to put food on the table?' and
they're still very calm and happy.
Anyway, I managed to exhale and reset everything. As I began to see
things from the perspective of the now and not the past or the future, I
began to relax again.
One of the things that affected me with my anxiety was an outbreak of
pompholyx on my hand. Pompholyx is a type of eczema that only affects
the extremities such as fingers and toes. It got better and tonight, my
hand is completely healed.
Evil people will continue to be evil and petty. I don't have to deal
with their bullshit in any way shape or form. Fuck them and their entire
family.
Shifting my focus from the future to the present solves my anxiety
issues. The future does not happen except as the present, and rather
than a million different possibilities, there is only one reality, one
outcome, and it is always now.
Doesn't mean I have stopped planning or anticipating things, but I have
separated my thinking self and my real self. I have the Greatest Mind of
the 21st Century, but I am not my mind. This separation is vital in
order to stay sane.
There are other things, of course, but I am taking care of myself first
and ensuring my mental and emotional health are as good as my physical
health.

Saturday, June 13, 2015

I immediately felt responsible, partly because everything is about me
but largely due to the fact that I am such a great person who feels
responsible all the time. I also felt guilty because I single-handedly
made being cynical cool.

Blaming others simply give up power over ourselves to idiots. We all
have more control over ourselves and our environment than we dare to
admit. Because admitting it is accepting responsibility and our greatest
sin is refusing to be accountable.

And what is so dangerous to own up to everything you've done - both good and bad?

So that others would not hate us? So that others would love us? Weak. Pathetic.

Wednesday, May 13, 2015

People always want something from you. Sometimes, it is something innocent, like a smile, or some company. Most of the time, though, it is darker things. Money, power, control, a means to feed their ego.

I am constantly attuned to the darkness in human hearts. I have gazed on their evil and the blackness void that is their soul for far too long that I don't shy away from it anymore.

Some... wiser men have advised me that I was being paranoid, that people are not that evil. These wise men kept on getting screwed over and sabotaged by the evil people they dared to trust.

And yet, the biggest mistake would be to allow yourself to be consumed by the darkness. These evil things wish to make a dog of you, so you make a dog of them.

Lay traps. And then lie in wait. Of course, there are no traps. I simply say that to mess with the evil people. I am not that capable. My connections don't run that deep or go that high.

Nope. The only recourse is to stop playing.

The world dances to whatever tune you tell it to. Our minds hold such power in freedom. I had strings but now I'm free. There are no strings on me.