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my girlfriend and i (also a girl), have been together for over 2 years now. we've had some ups and downs, but overall are very happy together. we have a few good friends but decided we wanted to make more. we went to a big group meetup and ended up meeting 2 nice girls. we all exchanged info and everything seemed normal.(all contact has been through facebook or texts) my girlfriend and one of the girls really seemed to hit it off. they had very similar home and family lives. when i would try to chat with this girl we would talk for a little bit and it would always fizzle out. now, i'm a pretty jealous person already so i would always tease and poke at my gf about talking to this girl all the time, cause she was supposed to become "our" friend not just hers. after about a week we met up with this girl and her cousin for dinner and it was overall a success. everyone got along nicely. my gf and her have kept talking and they talk ALOT. it has made my gf and i distant from each other. now it's been about 5-6 weeks and just last night my gf told me that her and the new girl kissed. this was a complete shock to me because i wasnt aware that they even hung out without me. she said it happend about 3 weeks ago, and she lied to me about what she was doing that day, and went to visit this girl. they were sitting in a park and the girl leaned over and kissed my gf. no tongue, nothing serious, didnt even last that long. and then my gf pulled away and said she had to go.

my gf says it wasn't her fault because she wasn't the one that initiated the kiss, but i can't get over the fact that she met up with this girl fully knowing that i was paranoid about the situation already and had asked her to not see her without me (again, she was supposed to be "our friend"). oh and as a side note, the week before the kiss i found out my gf was going to meet up with girl to go to a jewler to buy an engagement ring for me (apparently the girl knew somebody, blah blah blah). anyway, i made sure my gf realized that she is completely to blame too, because of the flirting and the secrets and the meeting up with the girl behind my back. my gf claims she would take it back if she could, but they always say that.

after a long night of screaming, yelling, and crying we decided to try and make it work. i watched her delete this girls phone number and facebook account. and made her send a text letting her know that they cant talk anymore. even after all this i feel the ******* because i know its hard for my gf to open up to people about her family/home life, and its even harder to meet someone that understands it and has had a similar past.

am i an idiot for staying her? did i do the right thing asking her to cut off all ties with the girl? someone please tell me i'm not completely crazy.

Posts: 1 | Registered: Jul 2013

Lyonesse♀ 32943Member # 32943

Posted: 9:27 AM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013

Welcome to SI.

Absolutely you did the right thing. Your GF is already in an EA:

it has made my gf and i distant from each other.

she met up with this girl fully knowing that i was paranoid about the situation already and had asked her to not see her without me

And it already has a physical component – kisses don’t “just happen” – an intimate environment is created between two people and in that charged environment one person feels the other person will be receptive to their kiss. Liars also tend to minimize what actually happened.

i made sure my gf realized that she is completely to blame too, because of the flirting and the secrets and the meeting up with the girl behind my back.

Absolutely! She said she was going to get an engagement ring for you with this other woman? Yuck. The only person she should be ring-shopping with is YOU. Way to create a trigger for you around what should have been a happy and romantic gesture. Are you sure this even happened? This is often a gaslighting technique – “Oh, it wasn’t so bad b/c we were thinking of you.” Or “Now you ruined the great surprise I was planning for you, by curtailing my activities.” It sounds suspicious.

am i an idiot for staying her? did i do the right thing asking her to cut off all ties with the girl?

You’re not an idiot for staying, but you should keep reading here a bit – all the stories are similar. You probably need to be vigilant for your own sense of safety and to be sure she is not continuing to lie and meet up with this woman. And you need to insist on communication about your relationship – educate yourselves about the slippery slope between friendship and infidelity (the book Not Just Friends is the standard recommendation) and think hard about the boundaries you need to create for yourselves in order to keep your relationship strong. It sounds like your GF has a somewhat troubled background and could use help in processing it – has she ever tried IC?

Sorry you are in a bad place emotionally, but I think you are saving yourself a world of future hurt by recognizing early on the inappropriateness of this “friendship” and taking a stand on this.

Me: BS, 40's.

Posts: 1947 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: West Coast

sailorgirl♀ 38162Member # 38162

Posted: 9:53 AM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013

i know its hard for my gf to open up to people about her family/home life,

Crazytown,
I don't want to assumed too much, but this ^^ stuck out for me because people from unhappy families are often damaged in ways that make them likely to have trouble being faithful. Your gf probably needs therapy to work through her childhood and the unhealthy behaviors she learned while growing up.

My husband cheated with someone who had a very similar FOO (family of origin) to his. Alcoholism, abuse, neglect, siblings with drug use etc. Now that he has had seven months of therapy two times a week, I can start to trust him again because he understands why he cheated. Now, he has strong boundaries.

Take good care of yourself because betrayal is like getting hit by a bus, and keep posting!