Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Paint My Moji-toes Red

This is it, guys. Stupid Nail Polish Names is officially in the big leagues.

Allow me to introduce Suzanna, our first embedded journalist and Midwestern Nail Polish Correspondent. You may recognize her fine spotting and photography skills from Sand in My Suit.

If you would like to join the ranks of our crack investigative team, I would love any submissions. There is nothing I want more than to turn each and every one of you into that creepy person at Walgreens who spends an inordinate amount of time lurking around the nail polish displays.

Now, I like a good pun as much as anyone. More than most people who are traditionally considered "sane." But here is the thing about puns: this isn't one.

A pun requires two words that sound similar, yes. But arbitrarily switching a word with another word that sounds like it: NOT A PUN.

Since I think we can pretty much agree that the person who named this nail polish deserves to be condemned by a jury of his peers and put behind bars, let's turn to my new imaginary legal nail polish line for examples.

Here are some of our leading shades: Starry Decisis (glitter), I Was Never Red My Rights (crimson), and Blue My Chance at Parole By Assaulting a Prison Guard With a Homemade Shiv (navy).

Now, here are some that did not make the cut: Insanity De-fence (purple), Trus-tease of the Estate (cerulean), Res Jew-dicata (chartreuse).

Can we see the difference, class? Hint: the colors in the second set have NO EARTHLY CONNECTION with the homophones. If a pun is a play on words, the words in the second set are not playing. They are not even acquaintances. They are the two kids who stand at opposite corners of the playground, solemnly glaring at each other. One is on the monkeybars and one of them is the kid who goes down the slide over and over again, trying to line up his flight path to hit the kids on the monkeybars and knock them into the gravel.

Now, which category would Paint My Moji-toes Red be in?

Unless Jesus is at your party, has gotten a little tipsy, and has decided it would be super funny to stagger around turning everyone's beverages into wine, there is no reason for a mojito to be red. This seems like an unlikely scenario. But then again, how could anyone to afford enough alcohol to make this name seem like a good idea, sans the J-man showing up and pulling a little trick a la loaves and fishes?

So you get a pass this time, OPI. But don't take this as your excuse to become a Re-peat Offender (dirty brown).

I feel I should also mention that the name of "Paint my Moji-toes Red" will inevitably evoke images in those who make so bold as to try to divine what it means of paint being applied to beverages of a variety which is typically prepared with the end of human consumption in mind.

On the one hand, this means that for the creative suicide community, "Paint My Moji-toes Red" might come within earshot of constituting a valid pun. For those not excited by the prospect of drinking paint (or of a profligate waste of beverages) the second entendre remains sadly obscure.

At least Yoga-ta Get This Blue makes up for its horrid name by looking lovely on you. Is that an ability to Konad I see?

As for Lick-tenstein, that one was on my shortlist to write about! It hits the perfect trifecta of vaguely offensive, strangely spelled, and no relation to any kind of color! What is going ON in that OPI brainstorming room? LSD?

I was shocked to bits and pieces to find a nail polish that did have a relevant name... just not entirely family friendly; Blue You. It's navy. The french version is better. It plays on words AND puns - Soie Bleu: Be blue or Blue silk.

Anon., it pains me to call "Blue You" an improvement on anything; what a sad state of the nail polish naming industry that I am forced to! Maybe I should move to France; apparently they do it better there.

Loungie, OPI is definitely good for laughs--but I'm always laughing at them, not with them! I'm glad they're around, though, or what would I have to write about? It takes effort to make it a non-OPI-only blog! I finally got around to Lick-tenstein, hope you like it!

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