I’ve been a Google Geek for over 10 years now, in this time I’ve worked and consulted with my fair share of companies in all kinds of weird and wonderful niches.

In doing so I’ve had the pleasure of speaking to and advising an insane amount of business owners, from the realistic and successful to the heavily delusional “I’m gonna get rich quick on the Internet coz av built a shit website on me own in Wix” types.

I can safely say that I’ve most probably been asked every question that can be asked about SEO, here’s some of my favourite most annoying questions (with appropriate answers)…

Question:

Hi Carl, so liiiiiike I’ve just built my new fashion store on Weebly for a tenner and I need you to get it to the top of Google for “Denim Jeans”. Can you beat ASOS and NEXT for £200 a month?

Answer:

Question:

Hi Carl, I need an SEO report, can you spend several hours doing my keyword research and manually reviewing my websites on page SEO, optimised content and backlink profile, then spend another hour on a screen sharing session explaining everything for me?

Also, is it OK if I act really nice and very keen throughout this process but once I’ve got what I wanted is it cool if don’t leave you any feedback and just ignore any emails you send because I don’t have the common courtesy to say thanks or no thanks?

Answer:

Question:

Hi Carl, I have an established local business but I don’t want to pay for SEO, can you rank my website using your own time and money and I will give you a commission on the sales that I make even though I can’t prove that I can close any sales?

Answer:

Question:

Hi Carl, I’ve been paying an SEO company £100 for the last 4 months and I’m unhappy with the results, can you get me to the top of Google for “Accountants in London” for the same price?

Answer:

Question:

Hi Carl, I’ve been advised by my web designer to stop doing link building because backlinks are dead and aren’t important for SEO so can you cancel all of the links that you’ve been working on for the last 2 weeks?

Answer:

Question:

Hi Carl, I don’t intend to do business with you but can you spend a few hours on the phone giving me free SEO advice? It’s not like you actually have a life or bills to pay or any real work to do for paying clients is it?

Answer:

Question:

Hi Carl, so we’ve been doing SEO for 30 days now and I can see that 90 of the 100 keywords we’re tracking have moved up significantly in the rankings along with my organic traffic but I’m not happy that they’re not all on the first page yet, I’ve decided that I’m going to give up on SEO now so can you send a refund?

Answer:

Question:

Hi Carl, I’ve got a new website selling £3,000 products in a competitive niche, I’ve got £200 a month to invest in SEO, can you…

Then there is the classic…”I have a great business idea where I bring absolutely nothing to the table, not even money, and you rank a website, run the business, and do all the work…and since it was my idea we split the profits 50/50. I have lots of business ideas.”