It is estimated that at least 1 in 25 people you come into contact with on a daily basis has no conscience at all. No capacity for love, or empathy for another. They hide in plain site completely aware that the majority of us don't know their secret. However, once you become useful to such an individual you slowly but surely will find out the horror.

Sunday, October 23, 2011

Withdrawal

I fricken HATE this!!! The bond that builds between a psychopath and his/her victim is torturous and intoxicating at the same time. They say for women in particular, it is as addictive as a chemical dependency because when she is intimate with a man her brain releases the same hormone oxytocin, that is released in a persons brain who is addicted to drugs as well.

What I hate about it is I can think I'm completely over it and am so clearly aware of the lies and deceit and torture he inflicted upon me. Yet, I have this knot in my stomach and ache in my heart and want so badly to have contact with him. Something about having contact with him eases that level of pain & anxiety. I know full well that contact with him is harmful to me. I know full well that in the end it'll destroy me. It already has and I've had to work very hard to recover in the past, but I've always let him back into my life again.

When you are in a relationship with a psychopath they keep your life in constant chaos. They are very intentional about taking up your every breathing moment. The attention, whether good or bad is a continuous focus in your life. You get accustomed to that level of anguish. It is most definitely anguish. Oddly, when that anguish is gone the victim feels empty, lost, and desperate for the new anguish of emptiness and pain to go away. The remedy. The psychopath. More crazy making and I wish I understood it better. I wish I understood what this pain I feel for him, about him is all about. I clearly loathe the deceitful manipulator, destroyer of the human spirit that he is. So, why am I feeling this knot in the pit of my stomach and incredible fear at the permanent loss of him? If you have the answer to that one let me know.

2 comments:

All I can tell you is that it takes time. I know that sounds so cliche'. But, there is a reason why it's cliche'. Because it is true! I am very sorry for you suffering. If you can focus your minds attention on yourself and not how this person is making you feel that helps. What I mean by that is to learn who you are separate from this person. What makes the bond so strong is that you learn to see yourself through the other persons eyes and not your own. You have to relearn how you see yourself. Your brain chemistry has actually changed after being in this type of relationship. It's time to break up that chemical reaction and get it back to the way is should be which is healthy and focused on the goodness you are without this other person. Having a child involved does make it trickier. You'll need to learn to see yourself completely separate from this person and not see, in your minds eye, this person having any affect on you whatsoever. I wish you the best of luck. Love yourself and your child above all.