Man, he really wants an arm workout.

When I’m riding on my handcycle on a given day and not competing, I sometimes wonder what people think I’m doing. I get all kinds of facial expressions. I have boiled it down to a few choice guesses as to what people might be thinking.

My favorite is this: the confused stare.

I think the confused stare is thinking, ‘Man, he really wants an arm workout.’

‘There’s a million ways to work out your arms. Maybe he just really wants a tan too.’

And then today of all days, it happened.

While I was taking a break on my ride, this older gentleman started up a conversation and asked if I do this to work out my arms.

I wanted to say yes and go with it. You know I would have done that with a completely straight face. But I didn’t. I explained that I’m paralyzed from the waist down, etc, etc.

My gopro just happened to capture it all:

3 Years Today

Today is the 3-year anniversary of my injury. No milkshake commemoration like year 2. No chicken fried steak commemoration like year 1. I’ve been off the wagon in both diet and workout since the last IRONMAN 70.3 flame out, so I’ve exhausted my appetite for gluttony.

Identity

Last month I rode the hill I crashed on, as I plan to do every year, during the Marin Century ride and that sparked off a lot of introspect as to what was it that drove me to rebound so quickly back into my life and not spiral into the depths of despair like many do and many others expected me to do.

I believe it’s the fluidity of my perception of who I am. My identity.

I have actually spent a lot of my life thinking about my identity and taking a proactive, ownership role in who I believe I am. I spoke about it, in part, a year ago at an event for Filipino-American college students.

I say ‘in part’ because my mixed ethnicity is only one dimension of who I am. But it kicked off the awareness for me at a young age because I looked far more Filipino in grade school and was raised primarily by a single, white Mom. You can watch the speech I gave for more about that.

But that led to a lot of awareness and understanding of how others perceive me. Somewhere around the end of high school and the beginning of college, I realized I could shape that perception and began to experiment.

And that experimentation continued deep into my twenties.

I tried on corporate life, I tried on entrepreneurship, I tried on real estate investing, I tried on teaching, I tried on speaking, I tried on living in the big city, I tried on living in the big city on the East Coast, I tried on triathlon, I tried on open water swimming, I tried on dating women an earlier version of me would have shamed me for, I tried on dog ownership – the list goes on and on.

My point is that I have come to believe I get to decide what my identity is.

In many cases, people who suffer spinal cord injuries have a really hard time coping with their new circumstances. I understand why and I believe that’s perfectly okay to have happen.

I’ve seen that for many of those people, it’s a crisis of identity. They believe their identity is in the motorcycle they just crashed, in the arborist job that they had when they fell from that tree, in the club dancer they were before they were hit by a drunk driver, in the military uniform they wore before that IED went off.

The truth is, their identity is in their values. The value of riding free, wind in the hair; of working hard and making things beautiful and safe; in having a good time; in the being the warrior who is brave and willing to protect others.

And the application of that identity can be applied to anything.

It’s a matter of being willing to be adaptable and roll with the punches.

Spinal cord injury is a masterclass in being adaptable.

Yo Soy Un Lider

My accountability partner, Lili, and I have been in some form of holding each other to account since 2005. One mantra that’s come out of our partnership is this Spanish: ‘Yo soy un lider.’

I am a leader.

One interpretation of this mantra is this:

Based on how I lead my life, others will follow.

If all I ‘lead’ with is complaining about how hard it is to live in a wheelchair and lament all the atrocities I mentioned before (and side note to acknowledge: it IS difficult and real and painful) then people will follow and say, ‘I couldn’t imagine. It must be so hard. Poor baby.’

And so goes my life.

But if I lead with a smile – the same smile from before my accident. If I lead with the same values of challenge, endurance, and growth that I learned from triathlon and apply that to rehab, living with a disability, and now paratriathlon; then people have said, ‘Wow that’s amazing! Go get it. How can I support you?’

And so goes my life.

¿Eres un líder? // Are you a leader?

#youcreateyourlife

—

PS – I had to have something to eat to commemorate after I started writing about it. I ordered in Vietnamese Fresh Spring Rolls this year because I’m addicted…and they were nommed five paragraphs ago.

An Ask: support my ride for the Bay Area Outreach and Recreation Program (BORP)

One of the first things I was anxious to do, after getting out of rehab, was get back out on the road and cycling. I was pointed to BORP in Berkeley where I could ride their handcycles while mine was on order and being built. Their crew there and other riders were an immediate support group for the goal I had to do a triathlon before the one-year anniversary of my accident.

They allowed me to borrow a handcycle for 4-hour indoor ride and for my first triathlon in Oakland.

They enabled my goals and I could not have done it without their support. I’ve met countless others in the Bay Area who also benefit from there opportunities to participate in a variety of sports.

Will you support BORP? (imagine my doe eyes) I’m riding my handcycle with a team during their annual Revolution Ride on Sept 22. Every bit helps kids and adults have the opportunities I’ve had after a catastrophic life event.

Even better: come ride with us. If you’re a cyclist then join the team. I’d love to have as many people there as possible riding with me.

Here’s the link, do $25. Or $50. Every part gets me to my goal and gets people in my circumstances back into life.

There’s a recent pop-rap song with the line, “I live my life like my blood type: B positive” and I cringe at how dumb that sounds. And I say that as someone who is super positive most of the time.

But what I’ve been feeling isn’t positive and at the same time, I don’t want to rant like a victim to you here. Today I finally broke through my anger with a powerful thought (at least for me in this moment) that I’ll share at the end.

You have Reasons or Results

I wanted to crush my goals this year. I wanted to crush in my races. I wanted to surprise everyone. Instead, I’ve racked up 2 IRONMAN 70.3 DNFs (Did Not Finish) and a flat tire finish at the LA Marathon.

The first DNF at Oceanside, as it turns out, was because the bike shop set up my chain through my rear derailleur the wrong way and it cost me power – which becomes a big deal over 56 miles and 4 hours and 2,800 ft of climbing. Basically, the chain was rubbing across a piece of metal the whole time. I missed the bike cut-off time by 12 minutes. Had I not had the problem with my chain I would have made the cut-off easily.

At the LA Marathon, I popped my front tire while braking on a steep downhill in the first 2 miles of the race. I locked up the brake and the tire skidded across the pavement, burnt a hole in the rubber and it popped. It was so early in the race, and I had every wave of the Marathon coming soon behind me I just figured to keep going as far as I could. I made it 24 more miles to the finish, but much slower than I could have without a flat.

After so much mechanical issues early in my season, I was really ready to have a clean race at Buffalo Springs Lake.

IRONMAN 70.3 Buffalo Springs Lake

The IRONMAN 70.3 Buffalo Springs Lake in Lubbock, Texas is the Handcycle Division qualifier to go to the 70.3 World Championships and/or full 140.6 IRONMAN World Championships in Kona. While it was a long shot, it was possible with only 5 Handcycle racers racing. My ultimate goal was to experience this course, have a solid swim, and stretch-goal to qualify for 70.3 World Championships.

It was the first time I’d be travelling by plane in a wheelchair … and with a very big handcycle and racing wheelchair and medical supplies in tow. I’m now a life-size action figure with a lot of accessories. I will save the air travel story for later. The great thing is, things went off without a hitch and the airport personnel were awesome at every turn.

The Race

The weather forecast was comical going in. It was low 90’s the days leading up to and after the race. But race day was forecast at 103°F.

When we left the hotel at 4 am it was REALLY windy. Turned out the day had 27 mph sustained wind with gusts up to 48 mph. Already things looked incredibly rough.

The Swim

The water temperature was 74.8°F which is warm. Add to that some good chop and current because of the wind and you have really tough conditions. But used to train in the San Francisco Bay on the regular so I can handle this … right?

2nd from the left is me

Turns out no. I paused about a quarter of the way thru the 1.2 mile swim to regain my heart rate and breathing and neither would cooperate. I kept playing a game with myself to get 30 good strokes in and I can have a quick pause. Nothing worked to calm my body. My left arm started cramping, I was really hot, and I just had to keep telling myself to get ‘home’ to transition and end this nightmare.

The Bike

I got back to shore where I had to navigate bad pavement in my wheelchair back to my transition area – by rule, I have to push myself. After a decent transition amidst already being frustrated and exhausted, I was off on my favorite and strongest leg = the bike.

releasing the brakes and shaking it out in transition

And then .. right out of transition was a hill ala Wildflower Tri but maybe a third of the distance. In a handcycle, it’s the same challenge as Wildflower for a regular cyclist. That was followed up by 5 more miles of really rough pebble pavement. Rural Texas uses this pebble pavement that even in our minivan scoping the course we could tell it was a rough road for much of the course.

The aforementioned wind was blowing North by Northwest so for the first 10 miles of the primarily North/South course I didn’t notice the wind because it was at my back. But then the course turned South into the wind and my average speed went from 18mph to 10mph. It was like staring down a flat road but cranking like you’re on a climb, which it was mentally frustrating. Especially as the day went on and it got hotter and hotter.

The last 10 miles were again just a mental game of letting go of what I expected to do and just doing whatever it takes to get ‘home’. I was really disappointed. I thought I had already missed the swim cut off with a time of 10 minutes worse than my prior 70.3 in Oceanside. I was going longer on the handcycle than I had in Oceanside which had nearly double the elevation.

I was fighting a headache because my headrest sits above my back axle and it takes every bump or crappy road vibration and drives it directly into my head. Most of the time it’s occasional and that’s fine. But the consistency of the pebble roads took its toll in this race. I literally had to take my head off the headrest to be able to focus on the road clearly.

The End

Once I got ‘home’ into transition I decided I was done. My tank was on empty and with the temperatures and climbs in the run, I didn’t think I’d make it. I decided not to go all the way to failure on course.

In the end, only 2 of the 5 of us hand-cyclists made it to the finish line. Turns out, my swim time did NOT disqualify me. If I had only finished, I could have punched a ticket to a World Championships (WC). But even as I sat there in transition doing the math, I decided I wasn’t ready to go. I don’t want to go just to go. And the couple of months between now and the 70.3 WC I was going to improve enough to not be flailing again on the next stage.

2018: DNF

And so goes my full season and first races. A marathon back-of-the-pack finish and 2 DNFs at 70.3 IRONMAN.

I wanted to be the one that surprised people. I wanted to have solid performances to talk about and not this shit I’m writing right now.

expectation is the root of all evil

They say money is the root of all evil.

I say expectation is the root of all evil.

I believe most frustration and disappointment comes from when we get attached to an expected outcome, and then we don’t get it. Usually, the frustration is biggest when it’s from a person. It’s exponentially bigger when the expectation is of ourselves.

I’m my prime example and I’m no better at handling it for being the wiser.

A Week Later

As I mentioned, in the beginning, I had a thought today that melted away all my frustration and disappointment. Here was that thought process:

“I’m ready to just quit. I don’t have to do this.”

“Actually… I get to do this.”

“There are so many people struggling with bigger things than this.”

“I get to do this because there is a tribe behind me who supports me every step of the way regardless of the outcome.”

“And I couldn’t do this without them.”

Which is completely true. I put out a crowdfund to a small group about a month prior to the race because I realized I didn’t have all the funds to travel to this race with all my gear. They put up $2,000 in a week.

I hated asking. Until some of the comments that came with contributions:

“By the way, Rob, you aren’t racing for you…you’re racing for all of us.”

“Keep it up and don’t hesitate to let us know how we can help support you brother!”

“You are an incredible human being Rob. Keep at those goals! We love you.”

Add to that some contributions of time from some specific people:

My friend Kristin and her daughter, Cayla, got me to and from the airport at home at VERY inconvenient hours. They also helped me with race chair training on weekends.

My cousins, the Loefflers, took time from their busy schedule with two young kids during weekend mornings and took me to the lake to swim open water. Daniel also helped do the heavy lifting on a number of occasions and sought out phantom studs in my ceiling.

There’s my competitors in the race: Evan and Daniel. Both Evan and Daniel gave me pointers on training, nutrition, but most importantly travelling with all this gear. I was intimidated at first, to be honest. But I reached out anyway. I find in triathlon, there’s a ton of camaraderie amongst ‘competitors’ that makes me appreciate this sport more.

Coach Matt Hurley at Purplepatch Fitness, who laid out the plan to be fit and fresh on race day and kept my head in the game!

And certainly saving the best for last here: John. Who I know I’m not the only one who’s benefitted from his generosity with his time, flew with me from Denver to Texas. He’s the best friend/sherpa in the business and I REALLY could not have done many of my races without him.

Nearly 1,000 days ago – 945 to be exact – I was ready to do my first 70.3 IRONMAN in Santa Cruz. And as the story unfolded, I crashed and life took a wild turn.

Saturday, April 7, 2018 I crossed the finish line at IRONMAN 70.3 Oceanside and completed the goal I set almost 3 years ago.

Race recap: A series of unfortunate events

swim

As before I was hurt, swimming was my biggest hurdle. About every 3-5 minutes of 65 minutes I had this thought process: ‘I may not make the cutoff. They’re going to have to assist me out of the water midway through. I worked this hard to just get pulled in the first hour. That’ll be a shit story to tell.’

But every time I stopped to look around, no one was pulling me out of the water. None of the lifeguards looked concerned about me, so I had to keep going.

THEN, at the last 150 yards, my goggle strap came loose. Then they just straight up came off. And I had to swim ‘blind’. And I probably swam better than the prior 1.1 miles. I finished the swim 5 minutes under the swim cutoff time.

But I knew once I was out of the water, I’d make it the rest of the way – or so I thought…

bike

The first two hours of the bike I averaged just under my goal of 15 mph and I felt fine. Then came 70% of the 2,700 ft of climbing in the next 12 or so miles. Climbing in a TT handcycle is a slow grind. Think 1.2 – 2.5 miles per hour on a ±6% grade. All you can do is find a groove and just not stop. If you stop, you’re all but stuck.

Some people were walking their bikes up the hill and I thought, ‘How nice. If only I had that option…’ It reminded me of riding in the SF Bay Area where climbing is a must and how I had gotten strong in a relative short amount of time before my injury.

After the 3 intense hills I couldn’t find strength to muster my target of 15 mph on the last 10 miles of relative flats.

As a result, I missed the official bike cut-off by 12 minutes and officially I got a DNF on the race. DNF stands for ‘Did Not Finish’. I did however complete the whole course under the full race cutoff time. It’s somewhat of a technical rules thing – I still got to complete the run/push, cross the finish line and all that. No other Open Handcycle Division person made it under the bike cutoff – out of 2 of us.

run

The run was great because it’s 2 loops of a beachfront course with people cheering the whole way. I was long on the run against my goal because of some short, steep hills and narrow course having to navigate my racing wheelchair around other racers on a beach strand.

Crossing the finish line was amazing. I did it. Holy balls. I did it.

Support

As always, it was amazing to have friends there.

Big shout out to Hugh and Rossi! My coach, Matt Hurley of PurplePatch Fitness, had two childhood friends there to cheer and they were my ‘handlers’ for the event. They killed it helping me in transition as well as before and after the race.

And the Freeman family! My college buddy Justin and his wife and kids hosted me for the weekend and made the journey so easy and enjoyable. It was great to get to know Sarah and the kids in the midst of all this. If you’re ever in North San Diego, I highly recommend the Freeman Bed &Breakfast!!
(Uh, for the record, they’re not really a B&B).

If who you have around you is the highest measure of who you are, then I am a better person than I could possibly humble-brag to be.

Operation Rebound

Challenged Athlete Foundation is sponsor of this 70.3 IRONMAN because it’s in their backyard, but more importantly because they support injured veterans through their Operation Rebound initiative. The course goes through Camp Pendleton and military is everywhere as Oceanside is a military town.

I was just a civilian racing alongside some vets with incredible stories of comeback and triumph. It was incredible to be surrounded by heros. It was incredible to be side by side with people who had similar injuries and similar mindsets to not only survive by thrive regardless of it all.

As I say when I speak to groups, “You are not alone. Someone has had your problem before.”

we’re not meant to be alone

If there’s one axiom that I can apply to this experience for you to contemplate, it’s the idea that we were not meant to be alone.

Many times in the week or two leading up to the race, and definitely the 48 hours prior to the race, any time I was alone and had the chance to get up in my head I started getting nervous and anxious. It started having physical effects in the rest of my body.

But the very moment Justin brought me coffee in the morning; the moment I could have a chat with my coach; the moment I was surrounded by other challenged athletes, it just all went away. Anxiety turned into excitement. I put in the work and now it was time to go cross the finish line.

I am a fan of surrounding yourself by great people. I highly recommend it.