Raised by a mentally ill mother and abandoned with two young children when my abusive, drug addicted husband disappeared, I'm leaving the shame of my abusive past behind. With a heavy dose of sarcasm, a chronic amount of oversharing, and a few tears along the way, I invite you to join me in my journey!

Look Here!

Monday, July 21, 2014

I Just Don't Even Know Where To Start

“I mean she’s really pretty and all man, but divorced with
two kids? You could totally do better than that. You don’t need all that
baggage in your life.”

“You can do better than that” meaning that he, Piano Man,
could do better than me, according to his best friend.

I wasn’t supposed to overhear him say that, but I did.

I wish I could say that it shocked me; that I had never felt
so offended in my life, but I can’t because I’ve heard it all before. I’ve
heard it to the point that the shock has worn off and to be honest, that
saddens me more than the words that I overheard.

He knew that I overheard. I didn’t say anything, just told
him that I hoped he had a great night and then I left.

He showed up the next day with flowers; roses. He felt awful.
He told me that he and his friend ended up getting into it, him telling the
friend that he liked me because of what I’ve gone through, because he is
attracted to my strength. That if I hadn’t gone through what I had that I
wouldn’t be “the amazing person” that I am today.

Just what I’ve always wanted; a guy that likes me not in
spite of what I’ve been through, but because of what I’ve made it through.

My own real life prince charming.

Yet really, he has no idea what I’ve been through. No idea
how deep the scars run, no idea what I struggle with on a daily basis. He knows
that my husband left me and that I don’t have a family, but the details, he
knows nothing of.

He wants to know, he tries. We were spooning on the couch
the other day, my body fitting so nicely into the curve of his as we laid
there, his arms wrapped around me from behind.

“Eden, tell me your story. I know there’s more to it than
you let on. I gather from the work that you do that you have been through quite
a bit, would you mind sharing some of it with me? I just want to understand you
better.”

He couldn’t see my face as I laid there, snuggled into him
and suddenly fighting the urge to let my body shake with sobs. I didn’t want him
to know, I didn’t want him to see me like that.

I laid there for what felt like an eternity, trying to
figure out what to say, trying to figure out anything to say at all.

“Eden, babe, you awake?” I heard him ask me.

I thought about it. I closed my eyes and wished I wasn’t
awake; wished that I was a million miles away from this moment. I really hate
this moment.

“Eden, whatever happened, you can tell me, I’m not going to
judge you. I really do just want to understand you better. I want to know how
you got to be the amazing person that you are.”

I tried. I tried to form some sort of logical thought, a
sentence that could sum up 30 years of horrors. I tried to open my mouth but I
just couldn’t. I felt like I was fighting to gain control over my own brain as my
heart was screaming “don’t make me do this, please don’t make me do this.”

Long gone is the physical evidence of abuse, but the the emotional toll it has taken on me, I wonder if those wounds will truly ever heal.

I don’t know if he eventually accepted the thought that I
was sleeping or what, but ever so gently he whispered into my ear “You are so
beautiful and I’m not just talking about your appearance. You’re safe now and
whatever happened doesn’t matter, I’ll never hurt you.”

He said the words that I so desperately wanted to hear and
yet what overtook me was a feeling I am actually ashamed of.

Rage.

I instantly felt incredibly angry as if some other being
that was hiding deep inside of my soul where the ugly lives had just come
roaring to the surface like a wild beast.

I didn’t say anything but I was positively seething.

I realized right then how utterly damaged I really am. How I wonder if any amount of healing will
really ever mend the torn and tattered parts of me, the parts that my past have
ripped my soul to shreds.

Here I am, lying with the guy that most girls in my
situation pray for, and I’m angry with him because I am convinced that I am
being held by the arms of a liar.

“Don’t lie to me” I thought through hot seething breaths. “Don’t
you dare make a promise that you can’t possibly keep. Don’t you dare trick me
into letting my guard down just so you have more ways to hurt me, more access
to the parts of me that are most fragile. Don’t you dare lie to me.”

I am so damaged.

As we have talked about before, anger is a defense mechanism. Anger is a powerful emotion that allows you to feel strength in your weakness. "I'm angry!"

It’s not fair to him and I know it. He has done nothing
wrong. He has done nothing but treat me right, nothing but make an effort to
make me a priority in his life and yet, it scares the shit out of me.

I don't know what it is about him, he has done nothing wrong, and yet, I don't trust him at all. I do everything that I always promised myself that I
wouldn’t do to the next man that came into my life; I take every injustice that
I’ve ever had done to me and I project them onto him.

I deem him guilty before he has even had a trial.

I don’t know if I can do this. I don’t know if I can ever
open up my heart again. The fear that lurks around behind me on a daily basis;
the ever present shadow cast by the nightmares of yesterday have backed me into
a corner where a part of me has curled up and died.

“Don’t wear a scarf, he could strangle you with it. Don’t
leave your phone charging by your bed if he sleeps over, he could strangle you
with the cord while you sleep. Hide all the kitchen knives, you don’t want him to have access
to them. Don’t ride in the car with him. Ever. You never know where you might
end up.”

Don’t trust anyone, ever, because the entire world is out to
get you.

This is me.

I hate that this is me.

I don’t want this to be me.

I want to learn that there are safe people in this world. I
want to learn that even if I open my heart up and things don’t work out, that I
won’t be destroyed; that every person is not out to hurt me. I want to prove to
myself that not only am I strong in the fight, but that I have strength in my
vulnerability.

I need to take things slow.

I need him to let me take things slow.

I don’t want to close my heart off to ever loving, to ever
being loved again. I don’t want to halt my healing, deem the rest of my life
unfixable and give up.

I want to get past this.

How can I ever truly be healed if I avoid the parts that
hurt the most?

I need to do this. I know that I need to do this. I need to
know that I’m still in there somewhere, that I won’t be my own worst enemy and
suffocate out my potential by refusing to let parts of me ever see the light.

43 comments:

I've felt that same anger before. It's scary. It's hard. And it doesn't magically go away like in the movies when the heroine suddenly learns to trust again because of some handsome man. We're all rooting for you, wonderful lady. As long as you focus on what makes YOU comfortable and happy, everything else will fall into place, and you really can't go wrong doing that. It sounds like Piano Man is game for you doing that, too- so take your time. Take care of you, as best you can. Big hugs <3

I'm curious as to why you said, "Above all, I don't know if I want to start with him."? What does that mean? Why would you not consider him to be the one that you might be open to changing your reactions with?

Is it because you think he's a lightweight? Because you really don't see yourself with him as a real possibility aka Mr. Right (as opposed to Mr, Right Now and just for fun?)

Here's the thing, if you keep projecting onto the nice guys, you are letting the jerkwads win. It means that they successfully programmed you so that you do their job for them now, they don't even have to be there any more to keep on abusing you.

I'm not sure what you can do about it, but you are bright enough to recognize it when it is happening, at least. So maybe you can take a baby step and explain a tiny bit of it to Piano Man, so he at least has a clue what's going on. (He knows you have an internal dialog going on, obviously, but you don't come with subtitles, unfortunately.)

He does deserve to be accepted for himself and not as a representative of every dirtbag who has caused you problems. But if you can't (do that), you do need to sort of give him the brief rundown on why you go into that autopilot (and how much you want to overcome it, and how you do realize he is not them, and how you understand that your reactions are not real but produced by your past.)

The trouble is though (and here's the touchy part, obviously,) your worry may have some validity. (Probably not, most likely not, in fact, but just maybe.) Because it is true that people do seem to end up with the same type of person (in spite of themselves.) They send off signals or they fall into patterns or they are creatures of habit, it's hard to say. But you can watch this with people time and again.

(The friend who vows never to date a drinker because of her dad, somehow winds up with an alcoholic. The neighbor who goes through boyfriends constantly, seems to be ordering them from a catalog and checking all the same boxes. There's the woman who always gets ripped off by guys who sponge or steal her funds, the friend who never can go out on more than one date with the same guy, the list is endless.)

So it's a tough call, how much of it is your perception or expectation and how much of it is recognition of what might be there.

But, that said, you should give him a fair chance to show his own true colors and take him for who he is and not who you are afraid he might be. (Old saying, if all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.)

Take it slow, sure, but open up enough that he knows what is going on. Men are people too, they are just as vulnerable and insecure as women. They need to know what's going on and when it's them and when it's you. (Otherwise, just like the rest of us, they feel it's them.)

You should share some of your concerns with him (the general fight or flight syndrome thing, anyway.) He's not Detective Dude so he's not going to be blasé about it, he's probably going to understand. (And if not, then might as well get it over with now, right?)

He should though, he seems like a sincere and kind person. (And it isn't his fault his friend may be a turkey. It just showed that other person's priorities and values, but that doesn't mean that they are HIS. We all have friends we would like to put a muzzle on, don't we?)

It won't be easy, but try to be fair and kind with him and don't let your previous programming screw things over before they even start. Don't let the past run your future. (Like the bumper sticker says, Don't Let the B*****ds Win!)

I don't know why I don't trust him to be honest. I mean I don't really trust anyone, but I've never really felt this untrusting before. I don't usually like to talk about my past, but I also don't usually feel like I'm having a panic attack when asked about it....so....I don't know :(

I feel like I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop and I don't know if it's because I sense something or if it's because I really think he might be the guy who sticks around for a while and that's scary.

Ugh I don't know.

I do need to talk to him though, I need to at least let him know what I'm feeling even if I don't tell him the details of my past. It's really only fair.

Oh Eden, it's so great that Piano Man loves you because of your past and not in spite of it. You are a wonderful person and he sees that in you! Definitely take it slow. Don't worry if he or your friends think that not telling them your past means you don't trust them. You have been through a lot and work hard to keep your feelings under control and they should respect that. I would even say it is selfish of them to expect you to tell them if you are uncomfortable doing it. It sounds like you two like each other (!) so having walls does not mean you can not have a loving relationship. Being cautious and taking it slow does not mean you are scarred, but that you have learned from past experiences. I found the second comment above very insensitive. You sound so cocky analyzing Eden's relationships and telling her what to do although you may not know the half of it. Why do you defend the man but put all the responsibility on Eden? That almost sounds like what an abusers would say. Even if you are a man you cannot speak for all men. you should know what piano man is like,before you start defending him (maybe because of your own past issues..) and likewise eden is not necessarily like all women, even among all the women you know. when it comes down to it this is their relationship and they decide what to do with it. If eden struggles it is completely understandable given her past .

I think you are being overly critical of someone who seems to have Eden's best interests at heart, and is offering carefully considered advice. Eden is more than smart enough to dissect his/her comments and take what is relevant and leave the rest...

I won't comment on the opinions of others opinions of the comments (does that make sense) only because I'm staying nuetral after my trolling fiasco haha, but...

Rachel, I do wish he would be more patient with me. Like he is sweet and never pressures me, but he has asked a few times and each time I burst into tears and it's kind of like "can we just leave it alone already?"

At the same time I can completely understand why he would want to know the details about what he is getting himself involved with, which also kind of feels like PRESSURE, so....ugh.

Thank you for your sweet words :)

d1zzyd1 I haven't seen you around here in a while!! Glad to know you are still around! :)

*hugs* Hang in there, girl. You'll get through, no matter what. My only suggestion would be to let Piano Man read this post. It doesn't tell him any of the specifics, but it tells him EXACTLY how you're feeling. It would give him an understanding of what you're going through, and help him figure out how best to support you when you're struggling to communicate with him directly.

Also....No, he has no idea what you've gone through. Just remember this: Experiences are individual, but emotions are universal. He has no idea what it's like to be abused and sexually assaulted, but I bet you he knows exactly what anger, fear, vulnerability, shame, and doubt feel like. No one is ever going to know exactly what you've gone through, but they can understand and connect with the emotions you experience.

I don't know anybody who's never been absolutely terrified by something at some point in their life. You have no idea what it's like for someone to shoot at you, but you can empathize with the sweaty palms and pounding heart and tunnel vision and inability to move....Right? Same for the other emotions-everyone has felt them to varying degrees. Honestly, I think it's a cop-out for you to say that because he may not have felt the exact same emotion in exactly the same intensity as you that he can't understand how you feel. I get that you're trying desperately to protect yourself, and I might feel that way too in your shoes.......But I think you've swung a little off base from the probable to the possible. LOTS of things are possible-but many fewer things are probable.

And definitely-print this out on paper, so he has no idea where it came from, maybe adjust it a little bit to take out reference to your other writing, and voila! You've instantly given him the insight he desperately wants in a way that's essentially safe for you.

IMHO, no (true-honest) human being on the planet could read this post and fail to see how deeply this affects you. And his reaction to this would give you further valuable insight into his character!

I like what you have to say but I think cop out might be a little harsh. Many people truly have not felt actual terror in their lives and truly might not have the emotional references to draw from. Many people really haven't felt terrorizing fear or the feeling of being overpowered by someone else. It's not that they can't sympathize, but they truly might not be able to empathize.

I typed up a whole reply last night, and my tablet ate it. lol Anyway, I think we may have to agree to disagree. I also think you're confusing sympathy and empathy-Sympathy is saying "I know/understand what you went through," and empathy is saying "I know/understand how you feel."

Just because you haven't felt the fear of being overpowered, doesn't mean you've never felt fear. And I'm sorry, but if you tell me you've found someone who says they've NEVER, in their whole life, had even one moment where they were terrified, I'd tell you you found a liar. Just because it is something that wouldn't terrify you or I, doesn't mean it didn't terrify that person.

Also, I just wanted to clarify-I never intended to be mean or harsh to Eden, so if that's the way it comes across, I apologize. I have personal experience with a deep-seated fear of intimacy. When that fear gets activated, my brain starts churning out scenario after scenario about how bad things are going to be, and each one is worse than the last. When I get into that headspace (I call it catastrophizing), I rely on the people around me to lovingly but firmly bring me back to earth, and give me some perspective. Just because something MIGHT happen, doesn't mean it WILL happen. That is what I was attempting to do with my post.

Ok, let's see. I feel like I'm walking on thin ice here so that I don't agree/disagree/offend/ anyone haha!!

On one hand yes, I think I do sometimes cop out and say "well he just couldnt possibly understand" because yes, he very well might. I don't know what has or has not happened in his past that may have given him the same type of fears that I have.

On the other hand I do think that an intensly scary situation and the actual "I might actually die" here kind of fear is different. One is scary as hell and one often results in permanent brain function changes such as PTSD. Like I've never been in war so I wouldn't really know what it was like to have a gun pointed at my face versus being in a bad playground fight.

But...with that being said I can't really claim he won't understand if I don't know. I can't really judge him any more than he can judge me.

Actually, when he says he would never hurt you, that is really not true! He may never INTEND to hurt you but he will, as you will hurt him. And you will hurt your children, your friends etc. Those of us who ARE loving and caring do not intend to hurt those we love but, since we can never see inside them, it is inevitable that some of what we do or say will cause some scars, even if what we said was not taken as we meant it! I love my children unconditionally and have never intended to hurt them but I am often told, now that they are grown, not only of things I did that hurt them but also of things I did that really lifted them up! Many times I don't even remember the incident! And often it was (& they will acknowledge) more their frame of mind that twisted words I said than any really negative of my part. And lovers get mad and argue and say things while upset that they later regret...these are part of relationships. My first husband cheated on me with my best friend...my second husband (31 years!) has paid the price for the scars and lack of trust which that incident caused me. Though hubby 2 has never given me reason to doubt him, if he acts too strange, doesn't come home when I expect and doesn't call etc., I am immediately worried that he may be with someone else. He has learned to call when gone longer than expected etc., not because I will be mad but because he knows I am SCARED and he cares about that. I really try not to mistrust and know this is my issue but these things are hard to control. I am lucky to have found a good man that loves me. Piano Man may be that for you...but you DO need to be very careful and slow, to let him in a bit at a time because he does deserve to know it ALL if you are going to really have a relationship...and you both have to know it will be hard, you will hurt each other but want to be committed to see it through...he can't commit to what he doesn't know and you have to have realistic expectations and learn to trust, especially the more he proves trustworthy. You may never trust completely...can he deal with this and understand that is really not HIM you distrust as much as the scars of the past?Prayers for you in all of this!

It sounds like you have found yourself an AWESOME second husband!! I'm kinda jealous!!

You're right about when people say they will never hurt you that it's not true. I think that is part of what makes me untrusting, is when people make promises that they can't possibly fulfill. Like they haven't really thought it through, they are just saying what they think you want to hear and are thinking very highly of themselves. Yes, he can intend to never hurt me, but inevitably at some point it will happen. It's the blanket promises that throw up the red flags for me.

Also, yes, is he equipped to deal with the emotional baggage that I bring to the table? I don't know.

Keep trying, Eden, if you possibly can! I'm 29 years old and have never had a relationship because I can't get past the fear/ shame/ feelings of being dirty, undeserving and contaminated, and oh goodness it is excruciatingly lonely sometimes! I'm not saying; you grab yourself a man post-haste missy, better to be with someone you're unsure of than alone all Miss Havisham-y, no way, just, don't be like me. Keep trying to believe in love and decency and above all FAIRNESS: that a good person like you CAN get the happy relationship she deserves! Obviously I can't comment on whether this guy is the person to provide that but even if he's not, I am as sure as a total stranger on the internet can be that you will find it! Blessings always!

Trust your gut and your instincts, Eden. I have done a lot of post-divorce dating after a marriage similar to yours, and I cannot think of one time where I have listened to my gut/instincts/emotional and/or physical reactions and regretted it. On the other hand I can think of many times I have ignored my gut/instincts/emotional and physical reaction and regretted it immensely. I, too, have had the reaction of having a panic-attack triggered by seemingly kind and trustworthy guys doing seemingly innocuous things and later it was found out that there was a perfectly good reason I had that reaction and that it all made perfect sense, once I had all the information. I have doubted myself, too, for the same reason you are. I am a survivor of childhood abuse and of abusive relationships, and trust is a major challenge for me, but I have found that my gut and instincts have still served me well, and it hasn't been just that I "have baggage and can't trust anyone". Besides, you have small children in the house, and you have to be very careful. I've had men in my life who sound like how you describe Piano Man and they turned out to be pedophiles. You really just never know. I am not attempting to be dramatic, alarmist, or instill fear, these are just things I have learned over the course of doing lots of post-divorce dating.

Oh my gosh the PEDOPHILES!!! Ah that scares me. Guys can't win. They either say "I don't like children" and I'm like "ok then I'm done with you" or they are all "I love children" and I'm all "That's creepy and I may be done with you. In exactly what way do you LOVE children." Really though, you almost have to be that way because unfortunately they do exist :(

It's been an interesting week, can't wait to update you all on Piano Man.

To "Pedophile commenting Anonymous" - Yes, for her to react this strongly there has got to be some sort of signal she is picking up. It might be subtle but it must be there. It might just be that somehow he reminds her of her husband or brothers in some way, or it really might be that there IS something dark lurking underneath that calm still pool. But she should definitely listen to her instincts and reactions, there is clearly something that triggered it. It might be him, or it might be her, but either way it is valid enough to take a step back and not get too chummy. There is something there that is flashing that warning light, no matter what or why.

Hi Eden, Michele here. Still can't remember my password but here I am girlfriend! I just want to say that everyone will let you down in one way or another. Its part of being human. Maybe it is going too fast for you or maybe your gut is right. I don't know but if you care about him you need to let him know that. I think you might have rage because you do like him and you are so scared that he will let you down. Anyways are you still seeing the detective dude? Just know that what ever you do, I got your back girlfriend! lol I wish you nothing but the very best this life can offer. Always praying for you and your sweet children. Keep the faith Eden! And remember YOU Rock!!!!!

Hugs, hon! You're at a crossroads right now and you've got a big decision to make: let this relationship grow which may make you confront a lot of what's happened in your life out loud and will provoke a lot of dearly held habits and beliefs or break it off and stay the same with all the same thoughts, feelings and habits. When you feel comfortable, you'll tell him something. Right now think and feel and figure out what you want to do.

Hi Eden, kind of seconding what many of the others are saying about instincts.

Personally I'm wondering why he's pressuring you for details. Have you told him your family and ex-husband were abusive? Because really that's all he needs to know right now, the actual details of your past aren't really his business, not so early on.

I don't like it when people press me for details about things that don't directly concern them. Sometimes it's just curiosity, which I can relate to but really one shouldn't push for painful details just to satisfy curiosity. But more darkly pushing for information can be a sign of a controlling nature, because not knowing means not being in control, and some people can't handle that.

I think that next time one of these conversations comes up you should just tell him enough that would make any reasonable person back off, that your family and ex hurt you and that discussing it is painful. If he keeps pushing, no matter how gently, that would set off alarm bells with me.

I suppose it is possible he wants to know because he's worried he'll get sucked into ongoing drama, that maybe your ex is still on the scene and that maybe you'll get back together with him (given he knows nothing that wouldn't be unreasonable). I suppose it is reasonable for someone to want to know what they're getting into, but then he just needs reassurance that your family and ex are not part of your life anymore, but that's as far as it should go.

Yea, he knows enough to know there was an abusive past and I don't want to talk about it, but it seems to be the DETAILS that he wants. I understand him wanting to know what he is stepping into, but he needs to respect that I don't want to talk about it.

There have been a few more....revelations....with him lately lol. Look for an upcoming post on the topic soon!

Hmm, it does sound like this guy needs to understand about boundaries. All he should need is assurance that your past won't directly effect him, in the sense that no one is going to start stalking him.

I take it some of your friends know the whole story, but did they just wait until you were ready to share? Because that's how it's usually done. I've had friends I've known for years before they've suddenly confided some terrible trauma from the past.

Actually, now that I think about it, I really don't think any of my friends know the entire story. I think they just know what was relevant to whatever situation I was living through at the time and even then it's spotty and without many details.

Hum....lol

Yea, he has some boundary issues for sure. He did flat out ask me if there was anything he needed to be worried about and I told him no (my ex doesn't bother anyone that I know). Not sure if he believes me or not though.

Me Defined

I was raised by a mentally ill mother and abandoned by my abusive husband, yet I somehow managed to avoid being weeded out by nature. Functional enough to survive yet dysfunctional enough to make me funny, I'm living my life devoid of most social graces, single parenting two young children, and absolutely loving it....most days.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to "It Is Not My Shame to Bear" with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.