Peter Dutton: If Rising Oceans Keep Swallowing Islands, Where Will We Put Refugees?

The recent disappearance of five Solomon Islands into the Pacific Ocean has been blamed on climate change by a groundbreaking study, which stresses the question: where will we keep asylum seekers if offshore islands are the first to go?

It seems to me that we must make a solid commitment to cut back our emissions, in the name of border security. How will we keep communist journos away if they can swim over a fence?

What kind of haphazard operation will we have attached to our proud name if our offshore detention centres disappear for eons under the drink of the great Pacific? It is imperative for Australia to ensure that our fine offshore prizes Manus and Nauru are preserved from the ocean. The heritage status attached to these colonies is immense, and in line with a proud history of Australian tradition.

We can not let environmental devastation threaten our impeccable legacy of racial internment and subjugation. To do so would be to turn Captain Cook around by the shoulder and spit in the very eye that ultimately destroyed the world’s oldest recorded culture, the proper Imperial way, as is tradition.

Peter, I know you are annoyed that a prisoner’s impregnation-by-rape may now be aborted outside of detention, but you must focus on the task at hand – climate change is threatening our fine selection of island jails.