Is It Too Late To Get My Ex Girlfriend Back?

“There are times to stay put, and what you want will come to you, and there are times to go out into the world and find such a thing for yourself.”

― Lemony Snicket, Horseradish: Bitter Truths You Can’t Avoid

Patience isn’t overly prevalent in today’s world. Especially when you know exactly what it is that you want. And when it’s dangling there just out of reach, it can be… frustrating, to say the least.

I know…

I know…

I’m preaching to the choir. You of all people know exactly what I mean. The worst part of all of this is that, if you want to get your ex back, she has to decide that she wants you back too. You can’t just make up her mind for her.

Though that would make life much easier, I’m sure.

However, if you are anything like me, part of the fun of being with someone is that they chose you. It’s what’s so great about being in love.

So in certain situations, as you can probably imagine, patience is key.

Do You Even Have a Chance of Getting Your Ex Back? Find out in 2 Minutes...

The reason I am going on and on about patience is because so often we get asked, “Should I just give up?” And nine times out of ten, that person has begun No Contact.

However, the intensity of the desire to reach out to your ex makes one day of No Contact seem like forever. So, a person can easily fool themselves into believing that it has been much longer than it has actually been.

I can’t even begin to tell you how many times I’ve seen, “My exes birthday is tomorrow. Is it okay it I break No Contact to tell her Happy Birthday?” or “Is it okay to break No Contact to wish her a Happy Valentine’s Day?”

I have a good friend who tried out the Program and she texted me one Tuesday to ask me if four days was a long enough No Contact because Taco Tuesdays were sacred in her relationship with her ex.

Like I said, your mind will try to convince you that any reason it a good reason to give in. Don’t let that little voice make decisions for you. It will only derail you.

The best part is, it’s never too late… if you have the patience of a monk. However, even if you are the most patient person in the world, holding on forever isn’t always in your best interest.

A Good Time to Give Up

Yeah. You read that correctly. Sometimes, giving up is the best choice. Now, I’m not telling you not to at least give things a hearty try. However, there are some really good reasons that you might need to let that dream of getting back with your ex be just that… a dream.

Six reasons why giving up might be your best course of action:

Reason #1: When holding on is holding you back.

You have stopped forward motion.

Newton’s first law states that an object in motion will stay in motion unless acted upon by an external force. If you consider it inversely, you can assume that that same object once stopped will not move again until it is also acted upon by another outside force.

That being said, if you stay hung up on the past, then, like an object not in motion, you will be stuck at a stand-still because you will be unable to see and react to an outside forces or opportunities.

Reason #2: When it’s taking over other areas in your life.

Your mind is consumed. You’ve stopped caring about… well anything else that would normally matter. There was this movie we watched when we were little, similar to the parent trap, but it had the Olsen Twins in it.

It was called “It Takes Two.” And in it, she described love as a “can’t-eat, can’t-sleep, reach-for-the-stars, over-the-fence, World Series kind of stuff.” At the beginning of a relationship, being enamored is cute. It’s endearing.

However, if you stop being able to do your job, keep up with schoolwork, or keeping up other relationships because you are fighting to keep your ex in your life, well, it might be time to reconsider things.

Reason #3: You’ve stopped being able to picture an outcome.

You can no longer see the finish line. Have you ever done something simply because you’ve been doing it for so long that it no longer holds meaning?

I don’t know if you ever watched Lost, but around season three or so, they came across this guy in a bunker who was pushing a button ever 108 minutes simply because there was a guy in the bunker when he got there that told him that typing in a code and pressing the button repeatedly would “save the world.”

He had no idea how it worked, he just kept pressing the button for three years. And then when someone else came along, he told them to press the button too. After some time, you might realize that you can’t remember why it is you “need” your ex in your life so badly.

You remember things about her that weren’t exactly positive. You may start to wonder why you ever fought to keep her around in the first place. At that point, you kind of need to wonder if it’s necessary to continue to try to recapture the past. Once you stop understanding the reason behind your actions, they tend to lose purpose.

There isn’t really a reason to keep going in that direction.

Reason #4: It’s starting to take a serious toll on your self-esteem.

When you are fighting to keep someone in your life who has not interest in fighting to keep you in theirs, it’s easy to understand why you might begin to believe that they have good reason to let you go. Even if they had reasons for going their own way that had absolutely nothing to do with you, it is easy to fall into this way of thinking.

Why?

Well, we are the center of our own world. When we try to see things from other peoples’ perspective, our brains forget to adjust to the fact that they are the center of theirs. It’s one of the reasons people who are self-conscious have trouble sticking to going to the gym regularly.

They feel as if everyone in the room is looking at them, judging them. However, even if someone notices you when you walk into a room, each person has their own life filled with their own issues that they are dealing with.

It is unlikely that they will keep their focus on you very long. So, unless you did something unforgivable, it is more likely that she has other reasons for staying apart.

Reason #5: You spend an awful lot of time considering giving up.

You are exhausted. Every single day that goes by that your ex doesn’t respond feels like it becomes more and more impossible.

You lie in bed in the morning after you wake up and think about what it would be like to give up. You lie in bed for hours at night and you consider cutting her out of your life forever. Who cares if she doesn’t seem to care. It almost seems like you think more about letting go that you do about getting her back.

The conflicting ideas have begun to make you miserable.

Reason #6: You are the only one making an effort.

Have you ever been on a lake in a canoe?

If you are the only one rowing, it’s hard to get anywhere. In fact, you pretty much just wind up spinning in circles or progressing really really slowly. When you are the only one putting in any effort, it’s hard not to get discouraged. At some point, you will get fed up with it, and you will have to literally talk yourself into not giving up.

Once you hit that point, that’s when it’s time to seriously consider letting go. You know that moment when you are bending over backwards and it’s as if she doesn’t even notice.

Choosing Me Over We

After looking over this list, it’s easy to understand how you could get caught up in the fight to get your ex back and forget to take care of yourself. Letting it take over your life can keep you at a stand still and do quite a number on your mental state.

I mean, if you get focused on anything, you can find yourself losing track of everything else in your life, whether it be a relationship, school, or your work. It’s important to find balance across the board and not get too focused on any one thing.

So, how do you move past the breakup and let it go?

Seven ways to let go of your ex:

Way #1: Learn from your mistakes and shortcomings within the relationship.

It’s easy to get down on yourself when things aren’t panning out the way you wanted them to. But let’s face it, there’s always a small percentage of people that don’t respond to the norm. It doesn’t necessarily have to be your fault.

However, if you know that you did something that lent to the breakup, then owning up to that can become a great asset to you in future relationships. I know I know, you aren’t ready to think about being with someone new just yet, but owning up to your shortcomings give you an opportunity few people take advantage of.

How do I know this is true? Well, how many people do you know that make the same mistakes over and over again?

How many of your relationships were recreations of a relationship you had in the past?

If you think about it, you will realize that most people spend their entire lives in a cycle of the same relationship over and over again with different people, making the same mistakes again and again.

Take the opportunity and break the cycle.

Way #2: Forgive yourself for the little things.

For the first months after a breakup, you will find yourself going over and over the relationship without even realizing it.

Don’t worry. Everyone does it. You’ll be lying in bed trying to go to sleep and you’ll remember that she hated it when you used too much milk in your cereal or when you refused to pause a movie when she needed a quick bathroom break.

It’s so easy to convince yourself that it was your inability to take out the trash that made your love go sideways. While these things combined would mean that you became a little complacent in the relationship, you’ve got to realize that there is NOTHING you can do about the stuff you did in the past. Even apologizing for them won’t erase that they happened if you get her back.

You have to forgive past-you for the crap he did or didn’t do. And, like I said before, put in the effort to learn a lesson from past you and make future you into someone who would never leave the toilet seat up.

Way #3: Don’t consider it to be time wasted.

The time you spent in a relationship that didn’t work out doesn’t have to be pointless or wasted, which is one of the reasons people tend to hold on so long.

They feel as if they have to save the relationship because of the time and effort they invested. If you spend time investing money in a bank account but then, by some accounting error, the bank said that you no longer had access to that account… you’d fight like hell for it.

Right?

Especially if it was a lot of money that you had invested. As they say, time is money, but to me, time it more precious than money. So, I can see why it might bother you to let go after investing so much time. If you adjust your thinking, you can see it as something else.

Every relationship in your past has been a stepping stone up until this point. Once you find the strength to let go of your investment, you can see it as another step to build your future on. All of the time you’ve invested into each relationship just makes the foundation stronger.

Way #4: Let yourself grieve for your loss.

This is the tough one, because, as you know, grief has stages.

According to the Kübler-Ross model, there are 5 stages of grief; denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Originally, these were written in regard to terminally ill patients who are learning to deal with their impending death.

However, Elisabeth Kübler-Ross later realized that these don’t happen in a linear progression and it happens to anyone who is dealing with bereavement. While it may feel like you’re dying, that’s not what I mean.

Losing a relationship can be just as devastating as having someone you love die. So, dealing with the grief is something you have to do to move forward with your life, free and clear.

Way #5: Don’t forget the good that came out of it.

One of the things I learned really quick after my last breakup is that you can’t just sum it up to all being a horrible mess.

There are people you met through your ex that make wonderful additions to your life despite the fact that your ex isn’t around. The moments that were so full of joy that, at this moment, you are dreaming of wiping from your memory brought meaning to your life.

Those moments are what make life worth living. Discounting those moments would be doing yourself a huge disservice.

Way #6: Reconnect with who you were before.

So many people get out of a relationship and see it as the end of life as they know it.

What always kept me going was knowing that I was perfectly fine before he walked into my life and I would be perfectly fine once he was no longer in it.

Remind yourself that you are stronger than you imagine and reconnect with the things that once gave your life purpose; friendships, passions, and maybe goals for a future.

Way #7: Replace negative thoughts with positive ones.

The thing about moving forward is learning how to see things differently than they were at the moment. Knock down drag out fights were experiences where you learned that you deserve someone who will fight FOR you rather than with you over stupid things that don’t really matter.

Take those moments you wouldn’t wish on your worst enemy and figure out how to make them into moments that matter. My ex turned into a royal butthead after we split.

But dating him meant that I found a new hobby that changed my life. I also know for a fact that even though I hate the person he became after we split, I did care for him. So, now, years later, I am truly happy that he has moved on with his life. I found a way to find the positive and get rid of the positive ones for good.

When Not to Give Up

Okay, but don’t go giving up on things just because you are tired of waiting. This is where that whole patience thing comes in. It’s easy to get a couple of weeks into No Contact, or even a few days, and suddenly feel like you are completely out of control. It’s almost as if time has slowed to a crawl and it feels as if your ex will never be up for reconciling. Just because things feel hopeless doesn’t mean that they are actually hopeless. So, if you haven’t made it all the way through a full cycle of No Contact and gone on to try the other tactics Chris has laid out, then you shouldn’t give up just yet.

If you have made it through to the texting phase and your ex is responding positively in any manner or even neutrally and you’re just starting off, don’t let impatience get the best of you. There is definitely a chance that patience will win out if you don’t give in to that desire to give up just yet.

Lastly, don’t give up if you haven’t even jumped into No Contact yet. You can’t win without a battle plan. And lucky for you, we have one that actually works. The worst part is that a lot of people are so afraid that it won’t work that they won’t even start No Contact. If that’s you, then have I got news for you. If you let fear control you and you don’t at least try, then you are definitely going to fail. However, if you at least try, the chances of things working out are endlessly more likely.

What Do You Think? (61)

houston

August 3, 2017

My ex and I dated for 5 years, since we were both 17, the past year that we dated, things got more and more dull, there was no love or affection coming from her, no kissing, only affection was during intimacy. I talked to other girls 3 times during our relationship and the last time was about a year ago, then I lied to her about it..this broke her heart but she stayed with me and it slowly caught up to her, that is why the relationship died, and when I asked her about sex, she said she did it out of habit. when we broke up initially I did no contact for 2 weeks and she texted me that she missed me and so I went and saw her. It was dull, she wants to be “best friends forever though”. She says she loves me and will always have love for me but she says she wouldnt want to date for a year, and she says that I should date other people and I should move on, but yet she wants to be best friends and I saw her last sunday at ihop and it was great! filled with fun, but she says she doesnt think im ready to be just friend and she says that we can always be friends even if we date other people and I told her that is not realistic. I told her I need time to move on, I feel as if she loves me but she is still sitting in that pain I caused her a year ago and she doesnt see herself as being happy with me. I told her we can date again 2 weeks after no contact when I went and saw her the first time and she said, “yeah but not for a while” she also said she couldnt believe we were actually breaking up, when we did talk on the phone and text last week its wonderful, the conversations are long, more than an hour usually and we have a great time, but there has been no official NC to date and its been 2 months since we broke up, we are in day 2 of NC right now, what should I do! I feel like it is going to take time after NC to build rapport but she said she will always be my friend when I am ready. I am working out, and have lost 10 lbs so far and I am joining the military soon so the next time she sees me ill be more attractive, and she’ll see me as someone that can provide for her… I am going to be confident and not talk about the past or future because she hates that, Im just going to try and build rapport and attraction, I know she is going to try and contact me because we were best friends and when I told her I need time to move on she said its going to be hard not to talk to me and she is going to miss me. what is your analysis and what do you think the right approach to this is as she seemed done with the relationship a year ago and it slowly started dying down? Thanks.

John

June 17, 2017

Hey team, I’m kinda stuck. Broke up with my ex (for a second time) something more than two months ago. It was really bad on my side, as she had lost interest and was experiencing routine in our relationship while she wanted something “magical”. I overreacted the first week and we had small fight over texts/phone but following that I implemented NC up until two weeks ago. I ran into her, she was very tense and distant, and (silly me) I accepted to help her with a quick errand. Since then I started trying to initiate more contact but she has been neutral. She still has not responded to the latest text (5 days now). Should I try to contact again? Should re-start No Contact?

EGR Team Member: Amor

June 26, 2017

I think you should and then dont stop improving yourself while you’re slowly building rapport

Quattro

June 15, 2017

Hi! I visited your site when my situation was very dire. To sum it up… my ex showed countless signs that she still liked me even while she was dating someone who looked like me (she broke up with him) Last year she even confessed her love to one of my friends but not directly to me. So last summer we went on dates and she showed positive signs that she liked me. She would even joke around how she would bite me in the neck numerous times. Sadly… that all came to an end when she went to her dream college thats 300+ miles away from me. We still texted and she even kept a stuffed animal I gave her 2 years ago in her dorm because “it brought happiness to her bed” This is when I got desperate because I couldnt handle her if she dated someone else again. So on her birthday (october) I wrote her a song and asked her to be my girlfriend. Please note that I have asked her out before and she replied by saying she didnt like me back (yet she kept showing signs at the time). So when I asked her out back in october 2016. It was different… way different.. she replied how she wanted us to stay as friends. I tried to convince her, she replied how she is still in a healing process (from her last relationship). I tried one last time to convince her and she replied how she just wasnt in a good mindset for one at the time. I asked her to think about it. And she never replied after that… It has been 8 months since we last texted.. I completely changed my apperance and started going to the gym. I spent the time trying to get over her, but she still remains fresh in my mind. I am going to arrange to meet up with her because she has a sd card that belongs to me that I need back (photo backups of memories). I don’t want to make a move until I know what to do… is there still a chance to get her back? (if she is not dating anyone)

EGR Team Member: Amor

June 25, 2017

Dont confront and convince, be compelling. Are you attractive, fun to talk to, mysterious or interesting?

Quattro

June 30, 2017

I will be truthful. Girls tell me I am attractive even though I am short (5’7) and many girls prefer taller guys. I am well groomed so appearance isnt a problem for me. I have seen unattractive guys get amazing girls because of their personality or they are tall. My personality on the other hand (since I am insecure about my height) is very beta male ish. I am not very social or confident. People always tell me that I am very mean, but I act nice when I want to. I dont know why I do this. Im sure girls can see right through me based on how I act (slouch, never smiles, distant) I do have the exgirlfriend recovery book since a year ago, but I didnt put my part of changing my personality (I focused more on looks) so thats why it didnt work. So what is your advice to improve my chances?

EGR Team Member: Amor

July 6, 2017

do stuff that lets you interact with more people like volunteering

Aaron

May 20, 2017

My girlfriend of 2 years and 9 months broke up because of the polarity in the relationship, She felt like she was superior in the relationship because she was older and more experienced at life and well to a woman, that can;t happen cause they’ll lose attraction (which is what happened). I told her that i just needed time to grow into the person she needs me to be but the wait for that had caused her to be unhappy in teh relationship and so we left it as “if its meant to be it will be” we kissed and she said that “it;s not over till the fat lady sings”. I Did 25 days no contact during which i really improved myself, excercised alot, changed my attitude, reconnecting with my confident self when i had first met her and learning new skills to boot, then I texted her about a random memory between us and got a neutral reply, the following day was mothers day, got a positive reply because i told her to tell her mother happy mothers day, then 2 days later (tried to do tide theory) i sent her a message about a random song we made up , then she replied by singing it out and then i asked her about anther one we made up to which she did not reply, so the next day we had a conversation about a story thats he wrote and it was for me to put stuff into my blog, but everytime i tried to banter and be playful with her, she wouldnt respond at all, she likes all the pictures and status and blog posts i put up on social media but she never once tried to talk to me first. then today was the killer, i sent her a picture of her two favourite actors and said seeing them made me think of her and she didnt respond, plus i discovered that she had deleted all pictures she had of us on facebook :/. So im so tempted to call her up right now to talk about where shes at but i know thats the wrong move to make..please help me out here on what to do next :/

EGR Team Member: Amor

May 22, 2017

are you still improving yourself now and being active in posting? rest for a week before initiating again..

Keith

May 12, 2017

Hi

My ex that I was with for under 2 years broke up 2 months ago, she was living with me for over a year, she had a lot of stress as did I, she was jealous and anxious alot, she has not been in great mental health, I was very stressed and down too.. although I didn’t realise the extent of it at the time, I be and withdrawn and less supportive, we had a bad fight(witnessed by other people) and I asked her to leave for a few days to clear our heads and then go fresh, she moved out and broke up with me, I made the mistake of trying to win her back and annoyed her alot she stopped talking to me and blocked me on Facebook only, I broke NC after 15 days when I seen she was getting a new tattoo on Snapchat story, I sent a message being positive because she wanted it for over a year and she has not replied, have I messed up? I know I hurt her by asking her to leave for a few days but I feel like I messed up I wanted to propose to her next year, please help

EGR Team Member: Amor

May 13, 2017

restart nc.. do at least 30 days and be active in improving yourself and post in social media apps where the post stays.. like Facebook.

John

May 11, 2017

I recently broke up with my girlfriend of a year 2 months ago. We had a fight and I took the easy way out and left cuz I thought it would be easy to walk away. She had the anger issues somewhat with me for awhile but recently we text like we’re best friends again and weve even seen each other 3 times in the last week. She stopped by my house the other day just to say hi she says. We usually end up talking for at least an hour or so when we see each other. I’ll do anything to get her back I realized I made a huge mistake for leaving and I love her and miss her and her kids. I’m just not sure if she’s thinknong about reconciling or if she’s just being friendly. But it’s like she thinks of reasons just to come see me sometimes she even hugs me after everytime we see each other. Could she really want to take me back after I messed up?

EGR Team Member: Amor

May 12, 2017

do you want to try the no contact rule?

Trim

May 5, 2017

hello

I’m in a situation at this time. 2 months ago my girlfriend admitted she didn’t have the same feelings for me as before. She still loved me but it wasn’t the same. she also admitted talking to her ex. we talked about it after a couple of days she decided to chose for me. we went on a vacation but I noticed something was off. I found out she was texting with her ex again. we talked again and she chose for me ‘again’. 2 weeks ago she told me the same story, she didn’t have the same feeling for me as before. so she decided to break up. I know for a fact that she started talking to the old ex again she even met with him and a week after we broke up they are sleeping together. we were 6 years together. which game plan do I use to get her back cause tbh how do I know if this is just a rebound or if he, like me, read the the articles on this site? Any advise?

EGR Team Member: Amor

D

May 3, 2017

Hey Chris and team,

Bad situation…don’t know where to start. Together 7 years married 3.4 of them. She’s 35 and I’m a youthful 47. She comes from a wealthy family and mine was poor.

My wife left me the week before Christmas of 16’…she had said she hadn’t been in love for a long time with me and had left the relationship emotionally the year before in 15′ and took the next year to process things until she could leave physically.

I did all the usual things, begged and bartered but nothing could change her mind. She was faithful throughout the relationship but quickly started sleeping with her older business associate…then an ex boyfriend as well.

She went straight to divorce feeling that we had already done enough time in counseling over the years…the main issue at the time being my seemingly lack of sex drive(I was using porn outside the relationship that I’m now in recovery for)…this was before the marriage too. She wanted a Quick divorce to get on with her life and felt at 35 she was getting old.

Other issues have come up since she left me…that only became clear to her stepping away and getting perspective…one major one was that she’s wealthy and supported us during the relationship. I was in a very successful job when we met making 6 figures…she moved me in soon and told me she would take care of me…that eventually moved to having a credit card for all my basic necessities. I was a very well kepted man spending my time working on projects that never really took off… As she moved into her career helping people she became more resentful of this…she offered to send me to school to learn another career but I declined…this was a red flag for her fearing that at 47 I wasn’t going to change and that I would be dependent on her the rest of my life…but I felt that as she developed a career the goalpost and her expectations of me moved.

Other things were that she felt criticized by me…that I didn’t accept her body changing as the relationship moved forward…she had been in recovery for food addiction and at points in her life was 220lb and when I met her she was 140 and we were pretty hot for each other. But when she got to be over 160 I didn’t take the initiative in the bedroom…and as she struggled with that, the lack of sex/connection drove her to eat more as it hurt her self esteem…I would be acting out with porn so that made things harder for me to. I hurt her deeply with this…

We did IVF to try and have a baby in 2015 and she miscarried after 5 months then again 4 months later…but this was only 4 weeks along. These were devistating to her and our life plan…after being sober from alcohol and drugs for a number of years she started drinking again in April of 2016…I’m sober as well and caught her with a glass of wine in June. It wasn’t all out…a glass of wine here and there throughout the week but something had changed in her.

The last few months have been hell…I went from living the dream to now being in a nightmare.

January was tough…it had come out that I had been using the Amex card for work related expenses here and there…I fessed up and sent her $500 on PayPal to start paying her back what I estimate to be at most $3.5k. She sent it back saying “…I don’t need your money…I trusted you and just want you to know you were caught”. She then pulled the settlement she was going to give me being $20k and the car I’d drive as the family car. I had been working/suffering in Europe at the time and had been not sleeping at all…days on days with maybe 15min naps between them…I was having a psychological break and in a rage after pulling the settlement posted on FaceBook what she was doing…then another post she was drinking again (terrible) and then I posed a picture of the much older CPA’s face saying “Really babe? This is what happens when you start drinking again”. She was shamed and angered by this…nuked the whole thing.

Even after that horrible FB meltdown I did she started contacting me in February to come over and sleep with her…it felt unsafe and that I was just being used because she was lonely, the other guys lame and she would dump me after she got through this detox she was doing to lose weight…she told me in the past she just wanted to “get skinny and fuck hot 35yo guys, not her old husband” when she was loaded drunk on GHB. So it was a few weeks of utter confusion of her wanting me to come over…get my hopes up of her pulling out of the divorce then on Valentine’s Day hearing from my lawyer that she still wanted the divorce…then her contact me a couple of days later wondering if I wanted to hook up…when I eventually did get her address 2 minutes later she texted that it was a bad idea and we shouldn’t do it…then March and April gong through the divorce papers and now…

A month after she split she moved to Santa Monica from our east side life…to this fancy condo she’s spending $4k a month for…got rid of everything we had in the house and she bought new everything…when I was getting my stuff I found our old photo albums in the trash…including our wedding one. She’s pretty much whitewashing our old life and becoming another person…and using her resources to do this.

I miss her horribly…friends told me in an attempt to move me forward she had started feeling good about herself again and was doing a lot of online dating…she had no problem meeting guys online…she has a classic beauty face…she was seeing 9 different guys…I know her well enough that she was probably sleeping with several of them making things even tougher to connect with me.

It now seems like she’s now found someone that’s clicking for her. He’s closer to her age…a couple of years younger actually. They’ve been out of town a few times on trips to other states as well as local weekend getaways already. He’s a “hot guy” that she always felt it was hard to get…bike guy, bearded(I’m clean shaven), ex Air Force, lots of adventure behind him…and someone to have sex with regularly…And I know that when people have orgasims together it will chemically bond them to each other…her and I talked about this and had it…and I let it slip away.

I had some suspicions that there was something more serious going on with her and someone…I texted, then called last week after she told me she was kicking me off the insurance to talk. When I told her I didn’t call to talk about the insurance and wanted to see if she wanted to hang out she said that after I posted all those things on FB about her it was hard to be friends with me…the relationship had problems and I should only call if I needed something. We were in different places if I wanted to hang out with her and she didn’t. I stopped myself from asking if she was seeing someone now…It’s pretty clear she is.

Everything seems hopeless.

I hurt her deeply and wasn’t awake…and pushed her away…I did this to myself.

Is this just too far gone now that she’s found more of a sex ideal and with them?

Her processing this since last year and being clear when saying why she was leaving me?

EGR Team Member: Amor

Try at least 45 days of no contact rule first..focus in improving yourself and then slowly build rapport after…

Rabbit

April 30, 2017

Does this also work for long distance relationship and gay relationship?

I was in a long distance relationship(continent and seas apart) (gay relationship) for 6 months which ended roughly 9 days ago. I was surprised when she I saw her text hey do you have time to talk. I was on a family vacation that time and I told her we might talk less. We haven’t had a major fight in the entirety of the relationship, our relationship was not needy or possessive, we were really understanding and giving each other space to do what we like. I met her online and we started talking it was nice bc we talked about japan( the country i current live in) and how much she likes animes and a certain one is her favorite. But that’s not all we were getting to know each other. She’s really bright and sweet and so understanding. We got together and I visited her in her home country 2 months after we met bc I already was planning on going on a vacation in that country prior. We met and it was the best 3 days of my life. Seems like we got along. I often would tease her lovingly and we would laugh so much and just be sweet and intimate. After that she’d send letters back to me the last one was on Valentine’s Day. It was so sweet! Anyway I thing 2 weeks prior to my vacation we had a rough conversation about my teasing and me being asking too much of her to say yes. I tease her a lot and sometimes she tells me not too bc it’s too much I do it lovingly. Sometimes I ask her to do stuff and I jut found out that she doesn’t wanna be told what to do. Long story short we patched things up but before that she told me maybe you’ll be happier with a girl who’s more open to doing things to which I replied maybe you’ll be happier with someone who doesn’t tease or push you to do things but proceeded to say but that’s one of the reasons I love you for your convictions. As I think about it now maybe I wasn’t in the best place the past couple of months I was whinny with work bc I wasn’t happy and she never whines. I think she honestly lost attraction to me. She told me she loves me though after that conversation and didn’t wanna have space there. After her initiating the break up I never forced her to come back but I sent her 2 long messages to set her free bc she doesn’t love me and said I’m still the sweetest and the best relationship she had by far but she doesn’t feel the same way anymore and I’m better off with someone who’s over the moon for me like I am with her. I told her I don’t just wanna be friends so if she wants me she can message me and if not then don’t bc it’s her choice to leave my life and I have a choice to not accept the friendship bc I want to be with her. What should I do? I miss her and haven’t contacted her 4 days after that last message. Do I still have a chance with her even if she says she doesn’t love me anymore? I’m thinking I should better my life first and maybe go to her but that won’t be in a year or two. We promised each other I’ll better my life so that I can live where she lives and in that message about our little problem she told me it’s hard to tell over the phone or over the text what I mean and she thinks it’s better in person, “I don’t know,but I still wanna see” that’s what she told me and in the break up messages she also told me maybe the distance is

EGR Team Member: Amor

chris

April 4, 2017

i met my girlfriend January, and we dated for 3 months, she recently broke up with me, though she is a hot tempered person, i offended her, she got so pissed off and quit, i begged her on two occasions, Thursday and Saturday to be precise, i even knelt down on the two occasions, i called people to beg her, because she threw my engagement ring back to me, and blocked me on Facebook, and blacklisted my line so i cant reach her, but after being talked to by her boss, she accepted to forgive and be just friend, and to unblock my line and add me back on Facebook, but she told me that she will never date me again and if i call and talk to her about relationship that she will bounce call on me, i love he with my life and i want her back, please do i have hopes of getting her back and how

EGR Team Member: Amor

don’t rush things.. for now, try at least 21 days of no contact rule and during that 21 days focus in improving yourself and then take it slow in building rapport after. Don’t beg.

Jason

April 2, 2017

Hi Amor, my ex blocked me on all social media and instant messaging apps, it’s been one month and it doesn’t seem like she’s ever gonna unblock me, i did the shocking news factor that chris wrote on how to get her to unblock you but it didn’t block her, what should i do ? i have no way of contacting her…

EGR Team Member: Amor

were you active in your life and in posting in your social media accounts ?

Jason

April 5, 2017

Yes! I have been posting many instagram stories of me going on a date with another hot girl to a fancy restaurant, she saw it.

I can text her with another number..

EGR Team Member: Amor

April 10, 2017

yeah, you can try that..

Jay

April 6, 2017

Hi Amor,

I have done the 45NC and have improved massively. I been reading up about the clean state email after you finished etc. I’m very confused because there’s so much info and not sure if I should send a clean state or text some good memory to get the first contact out. I believe I should of done this from the start but I didn’t and feel like I done the whole process wrong. What do you suggest, she thought I was cheating before or seems on her mind durning the initial closure but since the no contact, she has not contacted me at all. However I didn’t cheat, just had a ex in the background a lot which I was entertaining because we were friends and I was a sucker for falling for her plan to get me back! Not sure she was using that as a reason for our break up but she was not a perfect angel her self as she went back to her ex! What do you think is the best approach please? Thanks, jay

EGR Team Member: Amor

April 10, 2017

I think you should avoid the thinking of you texts for now because you already sent that kind of text.. rest for a week, and then try a text that’s informative or asking an opinion from her..

Mike

March 29, 2017

My ex [30f] broke up with me [31m] a month ago today after what was otherwise a happy and positive relationship for 7 months, for both of us. She became overwhelmed with her job and other stresses in life and needed space. I asked her to talk it out that day she sent me that text and then for the most part, went fairly distant and LC until last Thursday or so. I checked in every five days or so and basically just asked her how she was doing, and that was it.

Last Thursday, I messaged her on Snapchat and told her I had tickets to two events on Friday and Saturday. I told her to think about it and in the meantime, to check her mail because I had sent her a handwritten letter. (We had done this in the past, several times, and she always had appreciated it.) Nothing heavy, but she didn’t react positively to this one. Friday rolls around and around the event’s starting time, I texted her and asked her if she wanted to go. She replied by saying that she wanted to be friends, that our personalities clashed (they didn’t, at all), and that she didn’t see it going any further. I don’t really believe any of this, partly because she told me she loved me first, we were inseparable for 7 months with no problems, and she will not give me my stuff back. She is an avoidant attachment, and my gut is telling me that her texts were a reaction to my LC.

That night, I deleted all of my social media accounts to calm my anxiety about checking up on her or texting her, and have basically disappeared entirely into NC. I know you are supposed to keep your social media accounts up to show progress, but I am already in the best shape of my life, very social, very active, and have a great career. What should my next move be? Did I make the right decisions here?

Kenneth

EGR Team Member: Amor

March 29, 2017

Hi Kenneth,

thank you! I’ll forward this to Chris

Trenton

March 29, 2017

Thank you ex-girlfriend recovery, I’m still in no contact but I’m happy to report that I have gained so much confidence. I’ve written an ebook, I’m working on my anxiety, I’ve done so many things that I thought I couldn’t. I may be blocked and she may not come back but I am happy with the life I am building for myself. I’m still going to try and get her back but I am happy with myself.

EGR Team Member: Amor

March 29, 2017

Congrats Trenton! That’s very good!

JT

March 28, 2017

I have spoken about my situation on here a few times. We have two kids, we’ve gone up and down over the last year and things are on a down swing, we still speak on the phone here and seldom she sends pics of the kids. I think she is seeing someone she had hung out with they mutual friends when we were on an upswing. We had an argument and I feel she gave this guy a chance after our disagreement bc it was available and she felt no progress had been made in our relationship, although saying that she felt things were going so well prior. You’ve suggested just keeeping positive small talk and build rapport. That seems to be going ok, should still have NC through text during his time? Any other suggestions. It’s really hard right now bc both of our boys have bdays upcoming, holidays and events like this always seem to bring us closer.

EGR Team Member: Amor

March 29, 2017

Hi Jt,

sorry I dont understand what you meant with nc through text? if you’re talking great personally, it’s ok to text her.

JT

March 29, 2017

Well she is still upset with me about me getting frustrated about her just moving on to what I’d call a rebound. Says I talked to her like she was trash, so she doesn’t really talk to me very much unless it is through a phone call. We had a talk today and she stated that she was tired of me treating her like shit. There is really not a lot of communication, other than sometimes on the phone she will act normal. I feel that the rebound guy keeps her from talking to me bc she feels like it isn’t fair to him. Not sure how to approach this now. Just let her be for awhile and wait for that relationship to end? Seems like she doesn’t know what she wants, but for sure has no interest in me right now.

JT

March 29, 2017

I really feel like I’m starting to lose her here, seems so quick to lash back with resentment…

EGR Team Member: Amor

March 30, 2017

do you still treat her like that or talk to her about the rebound? Why did she say that?

JT

March 30, 2017

I do not… I’ve just let it be for the last couple of weeks. It all started over the kids spring break, she went out with friends and assumedly her rebound and didn’t take the kids on a trip she had planned for them which started an argument. I know she was just trying to push my buttons, and it worked. but since then I’ve just been keeping to myself, I’m nice to her when I see her and try to be helpful if needed. Like I said she has little contact or interest right now, I feel bc of her having something to keep her mind off us. I did mention it one more time, but it was just me making a statement that I know she has something to preoccupy her, but she still needed to talk to me about some things when I texted or called.

EGR Team Member: Amor

March 31, 2017

This is not to judge you, but two weeks is short.. even if you’ve been doing this a long time, every time you get angry, you have to start from scratch again… building trust and confidence in her will take a long time and a lot of attempts from her side of pushing your buttons until you’ve really proven that you’re changed

cc

April 4, 2017

I too almost lost the love of my life whom I have 2 kids with because I treated her like shit….first of all I am entirely against the no contact rule especially with 2 kids you will alienate her even more…what she really wants is the man she fell in love with…the man she had 2 kids with I adopted the approach of being nice even when the time comes not to be nice still be nice…..I started doing as many little things to bring a smile to her face as I could and after being nice…and treating her like a queen instead of trash ( even though she started seeing someone else) I won the love of my life back….. I belive no contact gives them the time needed to convince themselves to leave you ….I hate the no contact theory….repair your relationship not avoid it hoping that because you haven’t talked for 30 days she is going to come back….change yourself and learn how to treat her the way she wants to be treated and you will even look forward to making her smile like an adrenaline rush…wondering if she got the roses you sent to her work …etc…..help out around the house especially if you have kids with her then you already got an in and a foundation to build on….do things you didn’t do before …bathe the kids for her…take them so she can sleep in etc

JT

April 11, 2017

I suppose it was. We’ve pretty much gone to radio silence but when we go to our sons soccer game conversation still seems pretty good. I am keeping my distance though and trying only to focus on the kids. Should I treat this as NC and if so how long should I carry it on?

EGR Team Member: Amor

April 13, 2017

no, for me it’s not nc.. it’s just really sticking to be calm and to keep on improving yourself.. because she wouldn’t be attracted to somebody she fights with

JT

April 19, 2017

I didn’t treat her like shit during our relationship, I cooked, cleaned, I adored her and my children. I did in my own life have self doubt and did some stupid things, but I was never shitty to me. I took care of my kids and her very well. I just got down on myself with me taking on a new business that was a lot more work than I had time to tend to it at the time. Now that we aren’t together it got my confidence back in my work but being without my family is still weighing on me. It seems she has just shut me completely out. Today she calls to tell me of a check up for my youngest, seems a little late. No communication on her part and I just don’t know what to do. I’m sticking with the trend… thinking its slipping away for now though.

Jay

March 25, 2017

Hi Amor,

We have spoken previously and you have helped me out a lot and very grateful to your dedication to us . I have actually seen out a whole 32 days of NC, however my ex has not reached out and previously when we was at the break up stage last year the NC was working because she reached out but I did not stay committed to it and messed it up as I was emotional and didn’t beg her when I found out she got back with the ex, looking back I kinda hate my self for being to nice and I should of not listened to why she had to do what she done to me, but because it was to do with her child I got caught on a emotional blackmail one but I believe she knew she messed up but to be honest I was no angel with the ex I left because she was still in the background. So maybe we are bad as each other! We finally met exchanged what she had of mine and didn’t end well on her side with her apologising for her actions that evening by text. I went in to NC, you did advise 45NC previously and working towards that goal. I have improved a lot on my self and very happy about it but the situation and actually have a clear mind and actually would like to get back with her, as I have worked on areas I went wrong because we both kinda went back to our ex’s which was why we originally broke up with them. however she’s in a relationship back with her abusive ex, which has been about 5 months as they live together. Would I lose her if I leave the NC too long and what’s the best way to re-kindle our friendship as I rejected it when we last met. Also is social media good to post improvements or should I wait until we maybe speak? Thank you for your help again. Thanks, jay

John Doe

March 24, 2017

Hi Chris, My girlfriend of 3,5 months broke up with me on January 25th because i was very insecure and clingy, I made the mistakes of begging pleading crying writing love letter etc but they did not work out, then i found this website and implemented the twenty one day no contact rule, afterwards i texted her “i saw something that reminded me of you”, however she replied neutrally, i got angry for her responses and sent her angry texts, to which she didn’t reply and she blocked me from whatsapp which we used regularly when we were still dating each other

it has been a couple of weeks since she blocked me and i don’t think she is ever gonna unblock me, i tried your tactics on how to get her to unblock you but it did not work at all, i can however use my work number to text her, what should i do at this point ? also, the regular first contact text examples that you outlined on the texting bible which i already bought, i don’t think they will work on this particular girl, what could be another way to get her to respond when the time does come to contact her again? send a video ?

EGR Team Member: Amor

start a 30 days nc from now, be active in improving yourself and in posting in social media.. if you’re still blocked extend to 45 before initiating again

Dave

March 24, 2017

Hi guys,

Ex of 3 yrs split up with me about 3 weeks ago, we’d lived together, then became an LDR. It was a period of readjustment, but we started with the first three months as LDR so I figured we could do it again.

A week later she was in contact with me, and we were texting every day. It was nice, but it was like torture, and I couldn’t deal with not knowing if things were going to change, and I at least wanted to have a proper period of no contact. I talked on the phone with her about us, she said she hadn’t changed her decision, needs more time to be on her own, can’t be with me “right now” (yeah, I know that means ‘can’t be with me, ever’), but I really did need to start NC one way or another, as I couldn’t just go from being together, to being ‘friends’ in a week.

So before I give up, I figure I’m going to be hung up on her for a while at least, I might as well give it my best shot, what’s the professional opinion? Forget it? No Contact (35 or 45 days I’m thinking, at least)?

EGR Team Member: Amor

March 28, 2017

Hi Dave,

try at least 30 days of no contact..

Dave

March 29, 2017

Hi Amor,

Well, back to day 1 for me… (can skip this if you want):

Today was our birthday (year apart), she wanted to call me, I knew I was going to hate myself for it, but I let her. Had to stop after a minute just so I wouldn’t be upset on the phone to her, or start pleading and begging. She said “hey I’m sorry I didn’t mean to upset you. feel free to text me or call me whenever, ok? I hope you have a good birthday.” – called back quickly, then she said “I’m always here for you ok?”. Didn’t say “I love you” to each other like the last time we spoke on the phone.

Okay, so Day 1 of No Contact starts today. Goddamnit, setting myself back a week like that, for nothing. Thanks again, Amor.

EGR Team Member: Amor

March 29, 2017

that’s ok.. just stick to this one 🙂

Dave

April 1, 2017

Hey again Amor.

I’m really over-thinking the “feel free to call or text me whenever” thing. Going to stick with 30 days NC, but am I crazy for thinking that is a good sign, even though I wanted NC?

EGR Team Member: Amor

April 4, 2017

That is a good sign.. that means it would be easy for you to start building rapport.

Dave

April 5, 2017

Hey Amor. Thank you for your input so far, definitely eyeing off Chris’s book and probably going to purchase very soon, just so I’m not flailing around on my own.

This seems to be a weekly thing, I was just talking about her to a friend, and she messages me, “I just wanted to check in & say hi. I hope you’re going ok. the cats are good.”

I want to think it’s something more, but are these just breadcrumbs stringing me along?

EGR Team Member: Amor

April 10, 2017

if you’re not replying, she’s probably messaging because she misses you.

Dave

April 12, 2017

She’s still messaging me most days – and I’m replying. I’m weak, I know, I know.

I know this is a bad part of my brain thinking this, but it just feels like things are going alright now, I’m not being as needy, not bringing up the past (for now) letting her initiate things basically every day. Last week, I didn’t respond for a day, she replied basically immediately.

One negative, I have seen her on a dating app (Bumble) though, which kinda hurt a bit. But then to be fair, I got back on Tinder/OkCupid/etc basically the same night as the breakup, just to fill the void

EGR Team Member: Amor

April 13, 2017

it’s not a no contact period if you’re replying.. and you’re putting yourself in the friendzone slowly too by doing that.