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Tuesday, October 26, 2010

You know the kind. The ones that have a dentist appointment and in the week leading up to it, all they do is complain about how much they hate going to the dentist and they go and it's just a quick cleaning and they're done.

I used to hate those people. Once upon a time I actually enjoyed getting my teeth cleaned. Ok, it wasn't the most pleasant process, but there were worse things and the end result was so nice. Clean, shiny teeth and I didn't have to go back for six months.

Since the accident my reality is much different. I am one of those people now, but the difference is that I'm not just going for a cleaning. When I go to the dentist, or any oral doctor, (Oh! Another thing I didn't have to do before! I only had a dentist, before...) I need more than to have my teeth cleaned.

This is not some kind of philosophical rant where I find meaning in all that has happened to me. Right now I really just want to whine. Because I have to go to the dentist on Thursday to see about finally (finally!) replacing my missing tooth and repairing a few other teeth that were damaged in the crash. And then this morning one of my permanent retainers came loose and I have to go to the orthodontist tomorrow to have it fixed. A piece of metal! In my mouth! Permanently! FOREVER!

And I'm sure there are people thinking, "Big freaking deal! Grow up! It could be so much worse!" And you know what? I know that. Oh, yeah. I learned that lesson the hard way. The "It could be so much worse" lesson, because my reality could be a lot worse. Believe me, I know. I'm grateful. I have a permanent reminder tattooed on my body that tells me each day how grateful I am. I know I could be dead. I know.

But after a year and a half, it's kind of difficult to keep putting on my brave face. Sometimes I just want to complain and I think I've earned the right. And you know, I think it wouldn't be so bad and I could keep on going with a good attitude until the end, except the end isn't visible. Oh, sure, I can see a light at the end of the tunnel where the accident is concerned. We will come to an understanding with the insurance company and we'll sign papers and I can move on. My treatment will be finished.

But, truly, my treatment will never be finished. I'm walking around with a daily reminder that there are parts of me they can't fix. I can't feel part of my face. And I will likely never be able to feel it again. Ever. And once this tooth is replaced I'll have a full set again, but what happens in the future? There is a really good chance that the other teeth that were damaged in the accident will die at some point in my life. That leaves me with the possibility of losing five more teeth. All in front. That is a whole other process of pain and discomfort and inconvenience that I can't even account for yet, because no one really knows what is going to happen.

At this point I'm starting to get on my own nerves with the whining. Poor me. Woe is me. Someone give me a cookie. Oh! Wait! Don't. I can't eat it because my retainer came loose this morning.

Also, let's not forget another wrench this accident has thrown into my life concerning Andy's new job and our relocation to Colorado.

I have to stay here. I mean, I guess I don't have to stay here, but my doctors are here and my lawyer is here and the accident happened here. And if I need to be here to meet with someone or go to an appointment or sign something I can't just fly back at a moment's notice. Not only is that impractical, it's also not affordable. So, there's something else that I don't get to do because of this freaking nightmare that happened a YEAR AND A HALF AGO! Oh, sure I'll get to move to Colorado. Eventually. But right now I'm facing an unknown length of separation from my husband. I don't want to be separated from my husband. I like him. I'd like to be with him.

So this is where I am right now. I'm still angry. No matter how much I try to pretend like I'm ok with the situation, the truth is, it sucks. I know in the end I'm going to be a better person for what I've lived through and blah, blah, blah. Right now I can't make myself feel that way. Sometimes I just need to feel sorry for myself, and this is one of those times.