Satan Threatens Breakup with Pat Robertson

Pat Robertson, Southern Baptist minister, recently blamed
the people of Haiti for the Haitian earthquake, citing their "pact with
the devil." Last week, however, the devil appeared to speak for himself
in the Minneapolis-St. Paul Star Tribune.

Satan--or his
mouthpiece, the demonically tongue-in-cheek Lily Coyle of
Minneapolis--first denies having a contract with the Haitians. Instead, he claims to have inked a pact with Pat Robertson, and threatens "renegotiat[ions]" if Robertson's baseless rumor-mongering continues. Says Satan, "If
I had a thing going with Haiti, there'd be lots of banks,
skyscrapers, SUVs, exclusive night clubs, Botox--that kind of thing."
While he admits his clients may have have a hard time "in the
afterlife" he reminds Robertson that "when I strike bargains with
people, they first get something here on earth ... Those Haitians have
nothing, and I mean nothing."

So is there anything Robertson's doing right? Actually, yes: "You're
doing great work, Pat," says the fallen angel. "Keep blaming God.
That's working." But with the supposed pact with Haiti, Satan is clear: "I may
be evil incarnate, but I'm no welcher." Thus, "leave me out of it,
please. Or we may need to renegotiate your own contract."