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Tomorrow is the day. Please, if you have a little backbone and supreme calmness to spare send it my way. I really want to be an unemotional rock for this.

I don't have everything totally organized but I do have the copies of our bank accounts and taxes, important records, kids birth certificates, and a couple of meaningful things from my family put away. I have gassed up the car. I have laid out my clothes. Childcare is covered for the entire day. I have an appointment set for the divorce attorney for the day after. And I have been practicing in front of the mirror, in the car, while I fold laundry, etc.

Since we will be at the marriage counselor, probably not a bad location since who knows how WH will react - most likely very, very angry - my plan is this:

1. Pay counselor upfront.
2. Stay calm. Sit down on couch.
3. Let WH talk first. He will whine about being underappreciated. Do not react.
4. Breathe deeply.
5. Calmly, quietly say, "I know you are having an affair, it explains a lot of why you have been emotionally abusive to the kids and I. I cannot understand why you would be more affectionate with a skank that dates married men than with your own children but it is your loss. I am seeing a divorce attorney tomorrow."
6. Stand up.
7. Breathe.
8. Walk out of office.
9. Flee to car, drive to park and cry.
10. Check SI on phone.
11. Pick up kids, take them out for pizza.
12. Go home, deal with whatever s**tstorm awaits.

What am I missing? Do I stick around to hear his reaction or the MC reaction? Really at this moment the only question is how long it has actually been going on -- I realized today that they probably met four years ago at a conference when we lived in another state. Four fricken years!

Posts: 35 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Colorado

BtraydWife♀ 42581Member # 42581

Posted: 6:12 PM, March 3rd (Monday), 2014

Are you certain you want to D? If he was truly remorseful would you consider R?

If R is a possibility I'd change #5 quite a bit.

Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months
Unremorseful for 3.5 years

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson

Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.

Posts: 3296 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States

happyman64♂ 33212Member # 33212

Posted: 6:16 PM, March 3rd (Monday), 2014

Castellana

Stay calm. Sure you can listen to him.

And if he is full of crap then trust your gut, get up and walk out.

And when you get home, if he starts any nonsense tell him he can talk to your attorney.

Look at his actions not his words.

Trust your gut.

HM

Posts: 1126 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: New York

lastdance♀ 42401Member # 42401

Posted: 6:19 PM, March 3rd (Monday), 2014

PERFECT-------PERFECT--------STAY COOL AFTER YOU GO HOME-------A LOT OF CRAP WILL COME OUT OF HIS MOUTH--------DONT CAVE IN----PLEASE GET TESTED FOR STDS--------YOU JUST STAY CALM AND DO NOT CRY-----SORRY FOR ALL CAPS BUT MY PC IS ACTING UP TODAY------SOOOOOOOOO Proud of you GIRL

Posts: 161 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: orlando, fl

lastdance♀ 42401Member # 42401

Posted: 6:19 PM, March 3rd (Monday), 2014

PERFECT-------PERFECT--------STAY COOL AFTER YOU GO HOME-------A LOT OF CRAP WILL COME OUT OF HIS MOUTH--------DONT CAVE IN----PLEASE GET TESTED FOR STDS--------YOU JUST STAY CALM AND DO NOT CRY-----SORRY FOR ALL CAPS BUT MY PC IS ACTING UP TODAY------SOOOOOOOOO Proud of you GIRL

Posts: 161 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: orlando, fl

wewillmakeit♂ 26290Member # 26290

Posted: 6:49 PM, March 3rd (Monday), 2014

7.5 "I'll be back after I compose myself"
Then leave. If you don't say that he will probably chase you down and you'll have a vitriolic tete-a-tete right there.

As to #5. I think it's fine to say that you are seeing a lawyer. You should see a lawyer, just to understand your rights and the process. It doesn't mean that you have to file.

You might consider taking the kids and spending the night somewhere else. Shelter from the s**t storm.

Posts: 274 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Midwest

brkn_heartd♀ 30396Member # 30396

Posted: 7:52 PM, March 3rd (Monday), 2014

Very good and much strength is being sent to you. Another option for waiting for the sh@tstrom is to have someone else at the house that he would not act out in front of. Is it an option to tell him to find an alternative place to live? He is not welcome back to your home? Is changing the locks an option?

I know it is easier said then done, but do your best to be calm and strong.

Read the 180 rules - they will provide some good guidance during this horrible time. - http://survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11

As for the question of divorce vs R . . . that is way in the future. You need to get through this first period, you can't plan the future now. Just get through the day, each day.

It's just so sad
But I'm moving on feeling better

Posts: 2528 | Registered: May 2004 | From: Cupertino, CA

Skan♀ 35812Member # 35812

Posted: 8:12 PM, March 3rd (Monday), 2014

I'll be sending you all of the spine-calm-mojo possible all day tomorrow. I too, would consider perhaps spending the night at a hotel with the children, and then going home after you see the lawyer.

As to if you stay to hear anything while at the MC, that is up to you. I take it that you will be in separate cars so that you are not stuck without transportation? In any case, if he tries to follow you out or intercept you, ask the MC to escort you to your car, tell your WH that you will see him at home (just don't tell him when), and leave. If he follows or tries anything stupid, drive to the nearest police station, park in front of the main door, and start honking your horn aggressively to get attention.

Don't forget to pack your computer and the chargers for your phone and computer as well. (((hugs))) Just remember. There are a lot of people here who all have your back. You are NOT alone!

Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012

Posts: 5560 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California

BtraydWife♀ 42581Member # 42581

Posted: 6:20 AM, March 4th (Tuesday), 2014

Good luck today. Try to remain as calm as possible. We are here for you!

((castellana))

Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months
Unremorseful for 3.5 years

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson

Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.

Posts: 3296 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States

kalimata♂ 42104Member # 42104

Posted: 6:39 AM, March 4th (Tuesday), 2014

Hi Castellana,

Best wishes for today. looks like you have everything planned out well. Do you have a small sliver of evidence that you can show at the Therapist's office before walking out? Picture, text, etc? Because the first thing he will do is to deny, deny, deny. The therapist will try to take a neutral position and try not to take sides and will believe him. But if you shove proof in his face, it will more difficult for him.

Other thoughts:
1) Are you driving together to the therapist? If not suggest that you both arrive/leave separately
2) I would suggest to increase the exposure to other people on the same day. People that you both are close to: religious leaders, family members, friends. Can you tell his parents? Your parents? Exposure will be the one thing that will make him cower in fear to you.
3)Try to avoid telling your kids unless they are older and can understand
4)Go to the bank and get some cash today. Get enough money to use for the next few days in case he does something crazy like cancel the credit cards

Whatever you do, DON'T SHOW SIGNS OF WEAKNESS. DO NOT CRY, BEG OR PLEAD in front of him. It will make you look weak and he will see it on your face. Stay strong. Come back here if you need support.

Posts: 191 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: USA

lovehatelove♀ 42541Member # 42541

Posted: 6:49 AM, March 4th (Tuesday), 2014

good luck to you!!! I wish I would have reacted differently when I found out and confronted WH (it all was within a few mins time!!)

I'm just wondering.... why are people saying not to cry...? isn't it a healthy reaction to realizing your marriage is (possibly) over...?

what am I missing..??

DDay ~ 2/23/13

Posts: 163 | Registered: Feb 2014

NeverAgain2013♀ 38121Member # 38121

Posted: 7:59 AM, March 4th (Tuesday), 2014

Sending you LOADS of strength, good thoughts, prayers and good vibes for your confrontation.

Just a thought - you might want to jot down the points you want to make tonight on a piece of paper or a card. It's SO easy to get knocked off track once the chaos begins. This way, you can make sure you get to say everything you intended to say.

Good on you. You're my new hero!

Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 2417 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA

SadInNC♀ 42170Member # 42170

Posted: 8:10 AM, March 4th (Tuesday), 2014

I sgree that you need to bring any evidence that you have. His first reaciton will be to deny it till he's blue in the face. Bring the proof. Good luck and stay strong!

Your plan is good. I, personally, would want to hear my WH's response. Will he deny (most likely), or will he admit? Will he have remorse and immediately beg for forgiveness, or will he get angry and blame you? The choice is yours if you would like to hear what he says or not.

Sorry I didn't see this yesterday, but...I would suggest also moving money into a separate account. Some WS withdraw all the cash in an effort to maintain control. I don't know if you are financially independent of him, but I'd take half and put it elsewhere.

Wishing you strength today.

Me: BS, 40's.

Posts: 1840 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: West Coast

Ann124♀ 29289Member # 29289

Posted: 8:20 AM, March 4th (Tuesday), 2014

I haven't read all the responses to your post but something to consider if it is an option.

Yes, say you will return so he doesn't follow you out the door. Pick up the kids pizza etc ... Don't go home (marriage home) to find the sh*tstorm that awaits you all ... go to a hotel, go any where but back to the marital home for the night.

Oh, castellana! I have little differing advice. :( Just wanted you to know how deeply your post affected me. I'm about 15 months out from the first confrontation and reading about your preparation made me tear up. It is so overwhelming and so surreal that we would have to PRACTICE something like this!!! That we've been placed in this situation. But I love how you've responded. You've got this!!!

I'd grab your children's shot cards, too. And I seem to differ from other posters here, but I don't like the thought of your leaving the home with your children. I'd prefer that HE be told to leave. Could you stay and have a parent/sibling/friend(s) stay the night with you? Just a thought.

Keep calm, show no weakness that WS can exploit. Mentioning divorce is the right thing to do and you can always withdraw the petition if he is appropriately remorseful. You need to be tough with a wayward, or get taken advantage of with more lies and false promises.

I would not return to the marital home alone. Get a friend or relative to accompany you. Physical violence is something you need to guard against; a WS can get very angry at being found out and outed to friends and family and I don't see how you can feel safe in that situation.

Posts: 1978 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC

Breezy150♀ 42421Member # 42421

Posted: 11:01 AM, March 4th (Tuesday), 2014

Sending strength! Good luck! (((Hugs))).

I am so disappointed when a liar's pants don't actually start on fire.