Everything great in the world is done by neurotics; they alone founded our religions and created our masterpieces. ~Marcel Proust

Thursday, May 9, 2013

Frankenstein Government Spills Guts, Waits on Presidential Phone Call

Earlier this week, NBA professional basketball player Jason Collins came out and told the world that he is gay.

By proclaiming that he was gay, Jason Collins has made our President proud. Telling everyone that you are gay takes great courage. President Obama was so impressed that he called Jason and told him how proud he was.

I understand that being gay is a great accomplishment. Back when I had a promising future ahead of me, I actually toyed with the idea of becoming gay when I was younger. We used to have these shower poles in our high school gym, each pole having 4 nozzles coming out of them. As young men, we would all shower at once and I was constantly sneaking peeks here and there- but men just never did anything for me. Try as I might, those hairy backsides just didn't light my fuse.

My disappointment was palpable. Strange things happened in the showers.

Sometimes if you weren't paying attention, Jeff Wittenauer would sneak up behind you and pee on you. Since fresh urine is about the same temperature as the water coming out of the nozzles, you never felt a difference. If you weren't paying attention, the moment of dread occurred when you heard a bunch of cackling and laughter behind you.

Wittenauer was one of those guys who could shoot a stream of piss about twelve feet. He was kind of a piss sniper having figured out the earth's rotation before sending his golden arc with precision accuracy your way. The other problem with Wittenauer was there was no plan B. You couldn't just kick his ass because he was pretty tough. Two really angry kids thought they were going to get some revenge and decided to chase Wittenauer out of the shower, all lathered up, wet, and naked but unfortunately, this wasn't the movies and both of those kids got their asses kicked by Wittenauer.

So all of that was going on in high school. I never really toyed with the idea of becoming gay again, not until my mid 20's and a really nasty break up with an evil ex girlfriend of mine named Patty. I tried.

I just wasn't cut out for the gay life. With me, I guess it was a choice.

I have been harboring a far bigger secret, far longer than Jason Collins. Like Jason, I didn't pick this- it sort of picked me. I have never told anyone about this but I am prepared to reveal it now. If I take a courageous stand here, then perhaps others will feel free to be who they are. People can live their lives free of the fear that comes with incessant finger pointing and ridicule.

I, Frankenstein Government, have toenail fungus. Nasty huh?

Being a world famous blogger and a role model comes with responsibility. For a lot of people out there struggling with fingernail and toenail fungus- I want to provide a beacon of hope. I want to deal with this head on- with courage.

When was the last time you read anywhere- a world famous blogger admitting that he had unsightly toenail fungus? I'll bet you I am the only one because it takes guts. Forget about those people who lay down their lives everyday so that we can be free. Real courage is telling people that you are gay, or that you have some unsightly disease like toenail fungus.

So I am going to be waiting, the rest of this week, for a call from the White House. Maybe Michelle will let me host one of those big fundraising dinners in 2014. I shall leave you with this. Everyone gets treated fairly- well unless you are a GM bondholder, taxpayer, border patrol agent, Benghazi diplomat, or Republican. This is what President Obama had to say about Jason Collins. More "forward" as President Obama shows the way.

The president said Americans should be proud that “this is just one more step in this ongoing recognition that we treat everybody fairly. And everybody’s part of a family, and we judge people on the basis of their character and theirperformance, and not their sexual orientation.”

Being gay is not an accomplishment nor is it a choice. It's not something that one achieves after years of hardship and struggle in the face of overwhelming odds. One is either born that way, or not. Why then the congratulations? Why congratulate someone for having being what they are? More liberal bullshit. You are a fuckwad, Obama. Where's my congratulatory call for being what I am? Shit, maybe I'll suddenly discover that I'm a handicapped, black lesbian trapped in a white man's body. Maybe that will get the phone ringing. Fuckwad.

Real heroes, the people laying it on the line, get marginalized and ignored such as the staff in Benghazi. In the liberal world, uttering a minority truth is somehow a courageous act worthy of a phone call from the Prince of Peace himself.

Those of us, the hoi polloi, deal with our dysfunction everyday. Apparently the only ones who matter are NBA players.