Wednesday, 8 May 2013

the great fancy feast grilled chicken pizza caper

The following is a true story. At least, it's as true as I can remember... what with my bein' doped up on pain meds following my surgery and all.

It was a week ago today when I had my knee surgery. Remember 'bout that? I had to have bionic ligaments implanted in my right knee 'cause I tore all of my originals doing a terribly courageous act, like saving the world or somethin', I am sure.

I slept most of that first night. I dreamt of food. I was hungry, you see. Hadn't been allowed to eat the night before. I missed breakfast and lunch. By the time my surgery was over, even though I was sleeping, my tummy was doin' the Rumba with a pawful of growls thrown in for good measure. That's right... the Rumba. I was swayin' my hips but goin' easy on the knees 'cause of my right one bein' broken and only newly repaired. I can still hear the music in my head. One, two, three, four, five, six... One, two, three, four, five, six... Ooch... Ouch... One, two, three, four, five, six... You know the drill.

Still feelin' a little groggy the next morning, I decided to go on a hunger strike. That was a bad decision 'cause I was already hungry. Note to self... always have a good meal before startin' a hunger strike. Nevertheless, I told my doctor - in no uncertain terms - that I wanted to go home and I wouldn't eat until I saw my peeps. The doctor just gave me a hug and a kiss, told me I was doin' well, and left me alone... peepless. MOUSES!

I looked at the plate of food sittin' next to my hospital bed. It smelled kind of good but there was no way I was gonna give in. I had made my demands and I was stickin' to 'em. My tummy thought otherwise. Next thing I knew, my tummy started doin' the Salsa. Unfortunately for me, I don't like Salsa. It has onions, you see. Cats don't like onions.

I was strong willed. I held out all day long and never ate a bite. Day one of my hunger strike was over but I didn't know if I could make it through another night of my ballroom dancin' tummy.

I looked out the window of my hospital room and saw the pizza place next door. If I meowed at the top of my lungs, would they me? Probably not. So near and yet so far. An inkling of a plan started to form in my mind. I knew what I needed to do and decided that I was gonna do it!

In the time it takes a mouse to snatch a chunk of cheese... Cheese... Mmmm... Must get back on track...

In the time it takes a mouse to snatch a chunk of cheese, I had my laptop out and turned on. I immediately pressed this, then that, then clicked a few more keys. I had to work speedily and yet, quietly, 'cause there were nurses and whatnot wandering throughout the halls. I knew that if any of them discovered me up and typing, I'd be in trouble for sure.

And it wasn't just the nurses I was tryin' to evade. What if a dance instructor happened upon my hackin' into the system? What if the dance instructor was there to teach my tummy new steps? That dance instructor would put a stop to my pizza orderin' days, for sure, even though I had already decided that my tummy was not gonna be doin' the Rumba or the Salsa or anything else other than digesting my pizza.

I typed in the password to the hospital's wireless and started hacking. That's right... I hacked into their system! Once there, I did a little search for pizza places and easily found the one next door. I placed my order.

"One extra-large Fancy Feast Grilled Chicken pizza, please. NO ONIONS!" My order had been placed. Hmmm... delivery or pick-up? Had to go with delivery, for obvious reasons. Delivery address... "Next door. Pass it through the window with the paw wavin' at you through the bars." Of course I had to pay for my pizza but that part was easy. I was already in the hospital's system. Easy enough to add the pizza to the list of charges on my bill. Peeps would never notice. They would just be happy to have me home. And if they did notice, what were they gonna do about it? By the time they got the bill, the pizza would already be in my tummy. And believe-you-me, I needed a little somethin' for my tummy right about then. No more dancin' for this kitty.

I heard the people in the hallway say their goodbyes to one another and saw the lights turnin' off. I continued to work by the glow of my computer screen. Tweeted a few short tweets and said hello to some pals on Facebook.

It was around then that I heard a door open and shut outside. My dinner was on its way. Yoo-hoo! YOO-HOO! I hobbled over to the window, propped it up and extended a paw through the bars. "Over here," I hissed.

The nice man gingerly passed the pizza box through the bars. It was like he had never delivered a pizza to a hospital inmate before or something. MOUSES! I snatched the box and tossed it onto my bed. "Thanks, pal," I meowed and in one bionic leap, jumped onto the bed. The landing kind of hurt but I was in a desperate state. Desperate for something to eat. I had the box open in a flash and devoured my pizza. The best part was the Fancy Feast Grilled Chicken, of course, but I was hungrier than a hungry hippo so I even ate the crust. It was delicious.

I fell asleep right there and then. Never moved a whisker all night long. No more dance steps goin' on in this kitty's tummy. This kitty's tummy was happy as a clam. Clams... Mmmm... Must stay on track.

Anywho... I was rudely awakened the next morning by the arrival of the hospital staff. I looked down on my bed and saw the empty pizza box lying there. Oh-oh... The door to my room opened and my doctor peered in. I grabbed that pizza box and flung it past her head. Not to hit her, mind you. Just to get rid of the evidence.

My doctor looked at the pizza box lying on the floor next to her feet. "What's this?" she asked. "I don't know," I answered as innocently as only a cat can. "Must have been left there last night by some hungry dog or something. Dogs are quite partial to pizza, you know."

My doctor pursed her lips and narrowed her eyes. You know something? I kind of think that maybe she didn't believe me. Weird, huh? I mean... I'm a cat and we cats are always believable, right? Of course we are. But just in case, I made a mental note to hack back into the hospital's database and change the billing of the pizza to some dog's account. That would take care of things, for sure. I would bill the pizza to a patient named Rover or Barkley or Lassie or anything doggie like that. And that's just what I did.

36 comments:

Love you, man (in a manly sort of way you understand?). Staff (who's also recovering from an accident and is on crutches at the mo), ordered a pizza delivery the other night cos he can't stand to cook properly. Round here those pizzas are too big for one person so he shovelled half onto a plate and put the box on the kitchen counter (I think he was gonna put the other half in the fridge for later).

I nipped downstairs while he was eating and found the box (not that I get on the kitchen counter - that's not allowed). There was cheese and there was ham (not bacon, but ham comes close).

Then I nipped back upstairs. I think he was a bit surprised that the other half of the pizza turned out to have a very thin coating of stuff. But when he came upstairs I was napping innocently. I think I got away with it.

Wow, good job Nissy get that pizza to your room. It sounds like it was super yummy.Hope you are doing all right. We sure send tons of purrs to ya so that leg will get all better really quickly. Take care.

You are way creative, pal! You gave me great idea! I gonna order pizza to be sent to house next door. No one lives there. I use Mom's plastic to pay in advance to leave pizza at door. I sneak over...enjoy my pizza...then sneak back home. I no haz to share. I am full...but just until dinnertime. Great plan!

Now all I haz to do is figure out how to get out of the house in order to sneak over.

dood...we red yur storee...then we red it again coz we trooly could knot bee leeve what we red...sew we even red it one mor time for good meazure.....then it hit uz...ewe wuz buzzard up N flyin de werld oh purple addin masheenz N singin de missin my litter box blooz

You definitely need to win that award for Best Blog Writing 'cause this story is a doozey! So glad your doing well. Can't wait to see what new things you are capable of doing as a bionic kitty. Purrs and hugs from the kitties at The Cat on My Head, Lily Olivia, Mauricio, Misty May, Giulietta, Fiona, Astrid, Lisbeth and Calista Josette

Oh Nissy I just KNOW you feel better for confessing your guilt in the pizza caper post-surgery. Actually it's quite BRAVE to leave your post-surgery sick bed and contact the pizza joint so you could STOP the hunger strike in such an appropriate way - with a Fancy Feast Grilled Chicken Pizza! You're a clever guy - even on pain meds! I'm impressed!

Nissy we hope you are better today. We are gonna try this hacking lark out right now. Ordering pizza with everything on it but hold anything that is not meat. Hmm mega meat feast on its' way. Pawsome life lesson pal. Get well soon. Best wishes Molly

Hi Buddy! Just dropping by to send a few more purrs your way--Hope that the Big Ouchie is feeling better and better as the days go by. I bet if your Humans bought you a nice pizza, you'd get better even quicker.....right?

I never knew pizza places would be able to put Fancy Feast Grilled CHicken on a pizza, so I am glad to read about this. You sure were stealthy with your hacking into the system and ordering your pizza. Well done!!

Hope you are back to feeling pretty good by now. And we KNOW you are happier being home, even with a cone.