An insomniac's review of The Bodyguard

I don't sleep much. Frankly, there are too many films on ITV2 that I've recorded that I want to watch (normally Total Recall or Love, Actually) for me to sleep.

This week it was The Bodyguard.

Now, this is not a film that I know well. I do know, however, that 'back in the day' it was absolutely blimmin' massive (we're talking 1992). The soundtrack, depending on which report you read, is often said to be the biggest ever.

So my 3am viewing was ripe for surprises. And surprises I got.

1. Whitney Houston, playing a bitchy but hugely successful singer in need of a bodyguard, is ABSOLUTELY AWESOME. I mean really gutsy. It's she who seduces Kevin Costner and she who plays him. She's a real broad.

2. Kevin Costner - who let's not forget, was the biggest male star in Hollywood back then - is astoundingly bad. I've seen more animation in a kitchen table. Yes, he's meant to be a tough, regimented military man but he is also THE MOST TEDIOUS MAN IN THE WORLD. There's zero chemistry between him and Whitney. In fact, they just look like they want to stab each other.

3. There's really not that much snoggage. Despite everyone knowing the weepy track 'I Will Always Love You', that's only right at the end in a shortened form and it feels stuck in. The two leads never really have much of a relationship. It's actually more of a crime drama (psycho fan stalking a celeb). It's also so overstyled in a 90s erotic thriller way (shadows, mansions, outfits etc) that it's hard for any warm romance to filter through.

4. Summary - it's really genuinely odd. The kind of film that now would have critics laughing hysterically in the aisles as it's so cheesy. But this film was HUGE. It had them blubbing in the aisles. I'm lost, readers, I really am. The Bodyguard now feels like a curiously heartless slice of 'B' movie cheese.