Here are some other suspicious items the authorities recovered from the school that day, along with excerpts from the police report:

Volcano Bomb/Gun

POLICE REPORT: “Item in question could be used to spray our troops with hot magma or perhaps incinerate an American flag. Highly dangerous.”

Suspicious Potato Device

POLICE REPORT: “Suspect appears to have squeezed electricity out of two potatoes. Clearly has special weapons training. Could be used to power a bomb or even a megaphone into which suspect could yell in Arabic. Also, the potatoes sort of look like grenades so you can never be too careful.”

Chemical That Is Both Liquid AND Solid

POLICE REPORT: “Substance is by nature highly untrustworthy: Becomes a liquid when at rest and a solid when agitated. This erratic behavior is cause for suspicion. Could be thrown in the eyes of a police officer or possibly be used to poison a reservoir. Or maybe it’s a bomb. Suspect claims it is just a mixture of corn starch, water, and food coloring but suspect is brown, so, C'MON…”

Terrorist Ant Training Cell

POLICE REPORT: “Suspect was raising sleeper cell of possible terrorist ants in portable container of American soil. Training facility was disguised as farm to throw off authorities but we didn’t fall for it because we are smart and good at our jobs.”

Tornado Gun

POLICE REPORT: “Suspect was found conjuring entire tornado in highly advanced transparent container. Could easily be altered to shoot tornadoes and used for environmental warfare. One thing is clear: Only thing standing between American public and utter catastrophe is a thin wall of plastic.”