Real Housewives of Orange County Recap: Horoscopes

A breakdown of the OC cast

Ragan Fox was one of the stars of Big Brother 12. He is a super fan of The Real Housewives franchise, and loves every iteration of the series, even DC. Now that is brand loyalty. His Housewives blogs are not suitable for children. Or adults.

Astrology was a big theme in last night’s episode. Lest any OC viewer be confused, people in Orange County practice their own more expensive and fabulous form of astrology. Only six signs comprise the OC zodiac; and, instead of birth dates, income determines a person’s astrological sign. What OC sign are you? Vicki the pig? Or maybe Alexis the boobs? Consult the following chart and see for yourself:

OC Sign:

Income:

Similar To:

Gemini, the sign of twins, which represent Alexis’ twins, or her two giant milk jugs.

Characteristics:

Alexi (which is the plural form of Alexis) preach the titty gospel, wherein large fun bags bring believers to Jesus. Alexis is a sign of paradox. She babbles on and on about God and religious law, while downing martinis at lunch and throwing Botox parties. Every moment in Alexis’ life is analogous to biblical events. Jesus, for example, turned water into wine. Alexis transforms breast milk into wine. Let’s put it this way: her lactate is 90 proof.

OC Sign:

Fernanda: The Pescetarian, or Fish Eater

Income:

$0 – $50,000 (Personal trainer)

Similar To:

Pisces, the sign of fish, which represents the sole building block of the lesbian food pyramid.

Characteristics:

Fish eaters are emotional and loyal but relatively unremarkable. Fernandaux (plural of Fernanda) fall in love with fish they will never catch, let alone eat. They are particularly fond of flesh-devouring piranhas like Tamra. Congratulations on your new US citizenship, Fernanda; unfortunately, you’re nothing more than a second-class citizen on The Real Housewives of Orange County.

OC Sign:

Tamra: The Botox Syringe

Income:

$50,001 – $75,000 (Real-estate agent?)

Similar To:

Cancer, the sign of crabs and 69ing, which I suspect have been emergent themes in Tam Tam’s life.

Characteristics:

Botox syringes are shape-shifting, duplicitous creatures. Tamras live in a perpetual state of opposite day and rely on Botox to mask their real emotions. “Blissfully happy” in Tamra world means “on the brink of suicide”; “happily married” means “2 months away from divorce”; and fits of joyous laughter usually devolve into hysterical tears. Tamras are only loyal to themselves. They are armed with a never-ending supply of insults and barbs. My jaw, for example, dropped when Tamra called her Latina lesbian friend Fernanda, “Charo,” a remark I interpreted as poorly guised racism.

OC Sign:

Peggy: The Gun

Income:

$75,001 – $100,000 (Former model: assault rifles and athletic wear)

Similar To:

Ophiuchus, the new astrological sign, which represents a serpent-bearer.

Characteristics:

Peggy is the most dangerous sign in the OC zodiac. She is always armed and ready to kill. Peggies are turned on by symbols of death and destruction, like guns and split ends. Peggies also believe in holistic medicine, as long as it doesn’t interfere with breast augmentation and other forms of plastic surgery; because it make perfect sense to go under the knife for bigger boobs and then treat post-partum depression with wristbands plugged into USB ports.

OC Sign:

Gretchen: The Vanity Mirror

Income:

$100,000 – $250,000 (Cosmetics entrepreneur)

Similar To:

Leo, the lion, or cat, which underscores Gretchen’s catty behavior this season.

Characteristics:

Vanity mirrors are consummate performers. They wear full makeup and hair to the GYM; don high heels while riding bikes; and always appear to be reading from a script or cue card. “Off-the-cuff” jokes you hear in confessional segments have been rehearsed in front of a vanity mirror. Gretchens are only interested in marrying for money; all non-financed relationships are akin to “leasing cars.”

OC Sign:

Vicki: The Pig

Income:

$250,001+ (Insurance agent)

Similar To:

Scropio, the scorpion, a powerful and venomous creature.

Characteristics:

Pigs are temperamental, work-obsessed, FILTHY creatures. Vickis either suffocate you with boundless affection or kill you with passive-aggressiveness. They humiliate their husbands, cling to their children, and mainline insurance. Pigs are territorial and demand unearned respect. Beware of the pig’s “woo hoo,” which may be interpreted as a drunken mating call, call of attack, or insurance orgasm.