Archive for the ‘Products and Services’ Category

Friends, are you tired of strict diets and strenuous exercise regimens that never take the weight off as quickly as you’d like? Depressed over crash programs that get the weight off for a few weeks, only to find that it all comes back again?

Those days are no more! With HWC’s new fitness system, Slaughtercize®, you can just deem the weight right off without giving up the foods you like — and you won’t have to carve time out of your busy day to jog or hit the gym.

Doctors tell you keeping fit requires a regular investment of time, work and willpower. They tell you that the difficulty of shedding pounds and building muscle tone is defined by your constitution. Well, we say to hell with your constitution! Who’s the boss anyway?

That’s right, you are. Want to shed fifty pounds before summer but don’t want to spend hundreds on a whole year’s worth of gym dues? Deem those pounds away with Slaughtercize®! Want to impress the ladies with your six-pack abs? Deem that spare tire away with Slaughtercize®!

And Slaughtercize® does more than replace dieting and working out. Had to give up sweets because your blood sugar is too high? Deem your diabetes away! And why pay thousands to some heart surgeon who says you need a pacemaker, when Slaughtercize® lets you deem your heart healthy for just pennies a day?

And that’s not all. With Slaughtercize® you can also get out of debt without declaring bankruptcy, by deeming your debts paid in full.

Who needs the hassle of paying a high-priced lawyer to deal with an annoying neighbor or a sleazy hit-man to snuff your nagging wife? Just use Slaughtercize® and deem your problems away.

Slaughtercize®. The miracle cure for what ails you, now available wherever HWC products are sold.

Even though the best efforts of those Diebold screw-ups failed to derail our goal of averting a runoff in Texas’ Republican gubernatorial primary, we’ve decided to go ahead with plans to release an adaptation of our patented mind-control technology to the increasingly popular electronic voting machines that became all the rage after the 2000 election “recount” mess in Florida (pause for nostalgic evil laugh).

We’re shipping the new Mind Control Voting Machine to swing states throughout the West and Midwest in time for upcoming primary elections, but we expect to have them in such staunchly blue states as New York and California well in advance of November’s general election.

Those guys who say, “If it ain’t close they can’t cheat” don’t know the half of it. Heh.

Do you have a blog, message board or other interactive website that’s more of a cobwebsite due to lack of activity?

You can spend hours of your day logging on and off using various pseudonyms to give an appearance of traffic, but keeping the various sockpuppets straight can get to be a real hassle. And even if you could get an artificial intelligence-simulator capable of doing the work for you, such programs remain too basic to juggle multiple identities any better than you can.

That’s why we at HWC have developed Artificial Unintelligence, a new software suite that you can install on any website and just walk away. The software will populate the message board with identities that not only fit right in with most of the real people who spend way too much time on the internet, but each identity can interact with any other identity regardless of source — and each identity will be sufficiently unique and distinguishable that you could build a network TV sitcom around any four of them.

For years now, Halliburton World Conquest, Inc., has been developing a new product for the U.S. Department of Defense as a means of defeating America’s enemies abroad.

The original idea for this product came from a comment by a well-known radio personality (who passed up the chance to get in on the ground floor with HWC at its founding, but that’s neither here nor there) about defeating America’s enemies by “exporting liberalism.”

Never ones to let a diabolical idea go unmilked, we at HWC immediately began research and development on a liberalism weapon. And we’ve succeeded beyond our wildest dreams.

How effective is it? Well, before we began testing, Detroit was a thriving metropolis.

Unfortunately, under the current administration DOD has decided not to place any orders for weaponized liberalism. But all is not lost. Congress and the President have been working on a plan to buy more than a trillion tons of our weaponized liberalism for the Department of Health and Human Services, for domestic use.

Naturally, for every weapon there is a defense, which we developed and perfected simultaneously with the weapon itself. Everyone here at HWC has it.

If you’ve been wondering why Vancouver seems to be the only part of the Northern Hemisphere not encased in a block of ice, I have a confession to make.

See, we here at HWC have been putting our latest product, the Not-So-Global Warmer, through its paces. It manipulates the Earth’s magnetic field to bend the sun’s rays, just like the lens in a magnifying glass, quickly raising temperatures in the target area.

Unfortunately, physical limitations mean we can only focus solar radiation that would have struck the planet’s surface anyway, so instead of creating global warming we can only create localized warming, with a coincidental chilling effect over the rest of the globe.

That flaw would have cost us a nice, juicy contract, if the folks at the Climate Research Unit at East Anglia University hadn’t paid us up front.

Ever wish you could put your words into someone else’s mouth? Halliburton World Conquest, Inc. is pleased to announce that after two years of intensive testing our exclusive Mind-Control Teleprompter technology is now ready for the open market.

If you’ve been wondering how President Obama could be duped into calling Sarah Palin a pig, or talking about U.S. Navy “corpse-men,” we can now reveal that the President has been … um, co-operating — yeah, that’s the ticket — in the final testing of this exciting new technology.