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Author
Topic: a little honesty (Read 3268 times)

I've been keeping something pretty much a secret and have had to lie about it. This betrayal of self is really starting to eat at me and I'm struggling between depression and anger. I've not felt I could discuss it with anyone but I'm about to explode. It's pretty much affecting every aspect of my life.

About 2 weeks prior to my broken leg, my brother (the one I always brag about) started acting weird and spewed anger at me easily. One night after quite a few drinks, he called me a f***ing faggot and I was shocked and scared. I kinda marked it up to alcohol consumption.

The truth of my accident is, that it wasn't an accident. I didn't even see it coming. We had just returned to the post after playing euchre at an away game. As I sat on the barstool, he charged at me, knocking me and the stool to the ground. He has tried everything possible to make it up and I know he really feels sorry about it. We've had a few heart to hearts since and I witnessed him cry about it. He's typically not a violent person and has no idea why he did it.

Another part that eats at me continuously was my mother's actions regarding the entire situation. She immediately set about orchestrating the cover up. That's the real reason I didn't go to the hospital til the next day. She spoke up and told the hospital personell that I fell in the yard and twisted it. She seemed more concerned about protecting my brother than she did about my pain and misery.

She chose to go visit one of her sisters and I was left alone for that first week after I was dismissed. I struggled to feed myself and take care of simple tasks. Then today, my brother brought me his wife's exercise bike so I can work on my recovery. My mother threw a fit and didn't want it in her living room. At that point I became pissed. Really??? The idea of that thing being in the living room for a while is more important than what I'm dealing with?

There were obviously a few people who witnessed what happened and I have a difficult time holding onto this falsehood in front of them. I've been very vague when questioned about my leg.

Another hurdle I have to overcome is with my doctor. He mentioned a bone density test as a simple incident shouldn't cause such traumatic injury. Again, my mother got upset when I indicated that I plan on telling him the truth. I'm not going through unneeded and costly medical procedures based on a lie. It's not fair to waste other peoples' time and energy over a falsehood.

Her main concern is again with my brother. She is worried that he'll report it. I'm pretty sure I can convince him not to but that's secondary in my opinion. It could affect his job since he's the manager where it happened.

I'm grateful I have a place to vent and share things. Hopefully this will alleviate some of this built up stress that's even affecting my ability to sleep. Holding onto this lie has created havoc on my mental outlook.

I feel much better getting this out. I've so freaking wanted to scream it out loud.

Wolfie

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Complacency is the enemy. Challenge yourself daily for maximum return on investment.

I'm shocked and saddened to read this. I don't know what to say really, but didn't want to say nothing. I'm sure someone will have some practical advice on dealing with your mum and brother- it sounds like they have their own issues, but it's not right to project them onto you and completely wrong to hurt you, physically and emotionally because of them. There is no excuse for that.

I see what you are saying about the doctor and the repercussions this is having for you. I really think you have to tell the truth. Protecting your brother cannot come before your health in any way. Could you blur the lines by saying what happened, but not who did it? Just an incident in a bar? Ignore that if you are uncomfortable with it- I'm just thinking aloud really.

I'm glad getting it out here has helped. I'm sorry you've been going through this on top of the injury- which is hopefully on the mend. I'm sure wiser souls than me will be along with some good advice soon!

If you ask me, honesty is always the best policy particularly when dealing with bullies. Tell the truth about the situation - and if it impacts negatively on your brother's life, so be it. He's an adult and should be held responsible for the damage, pain and suffering his actions have caused you and are continuing to cause you.

And tell your mother to stop whining about the exercise bike. Jeeze.

Sorry you were subjected to such violence from a family member. Just because he's a family member doesn't mean you have to protect him - and if you continue to protect him, next time it may be worse, and there probably will be a next time when alcohol is involved.

Look at it this way - if he was just another patron or employee of the bar, would you still be protecting him and lying about what actually happened? My guess is NO. I wouldn't treat this situation any differently.

And yes, I've been the victim of family violence in the past and how I wish I'd handled it differently back then. A violent bully is a violent bully, regardless of blood-ties. In fact, it's even worse coming from a family member.

By the way, the bone density test may not be a bad idea - it's totally possible that the break was worse than it might have been if you're having bone density problems of which you are unaware. Bone density problems are fairly common in we pozzies and more so as we age.

"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

He has tried everything possible to make it up and I know he really feels sorry about it. We've had a few heart to hearts since and I witnessed him cry about it. He's typically not a violent person and has no idea why he did it.

Wolfter, what would you tell a battered wife if she said this to you? For God's sake, he broke your leg. I understand that you might not want to go shouting it down the holler but I think you all need help, counseling or something, especially him and your mom. If he tells and gets into trouble, it sounds like your mom might blame you. This is pretty twisted.

That's a tough spot you're in.... The fact that your mother is playing the protector of the abuser is unsettling, and I feel for you on this. I also worry if anything would happen to your living situation if you reported him.

Wolfter, what would you tell a battered wife if she said this to you? For God's sake, he broke your leg. I understand that you might not want to go shouting it down the holler but I think you all need help, counseling or something, especially him and your mom. If he tells and gets into trouble, it sounds like your mom might blame you. This is pretty twisted.

"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

. Tell the truth about the situation - and if it impacts negatively on your brother's life, so be it. He's an adult and should be held responsible for the damage, pain and suffering his actions have caused you and are continuing to cause you.

Then why bother posting anything at all? The thread deals a bit with bullying and you respond with a remark that can almost be viewed as such. My first thought was that I was inappropriate to post such a thing. So thanks for clarifying your position.

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Complacency is the enemy. Challenge yourself daily for maximum return on investment.

I have nothing new to add.... but I wholeheartedly agree that the truth is the way to go. If there are consequences for your brother, so be it -- this wasn't an accident. He may not have intended to break your leg, but he sure as hell intended to attack you. That behavior can not go silently by. Was he drunk? Not that it excuses it at all -- but if drinking makes him violent, he needs something to happen to him to help him see his problem.

Hang tough -- do what you KNOW is right and please, please, please, feel free to vent it out here.

I'm so sorry that this has happened to you. Being physically assaulted is awful, being assaulted by someone you love, is heart rending. As a survivor of domestic violence, I suggest that you do what you believe you need to do, no matter who it may impact or hurt. The most important thing I learned about this kind of violence, is the effect it has on the victim. For me, it tore into my very being and it created many conflicting thoughts and emotions.

My healing began, when I was able to honestly describe what had happened, the impact it had on me and what I needed to do to retain my own sanity and self-respect. I really empathize with what you are experiencing and all I can offer is that you need to do whatever it is, to make you feel as whole as you can be.

Personally, I'm touched that you have brought this to the forum. It says a lot about how you view this place and those of us who share it with you.

Then why bother posting anything at all? The thread deals a bit with bullying and you respond with a remark that can almost be viewed as such. My first thought was that I was inappropriate to post such a thing. So thanks for clarifying your position.

No, it just means more like "I wasn't there so I'm not going to tell someone in an emotional state to get a sibling and/or parent in trouble with the law".

If your brother has never done anything like this before. I would say tell the doctor what happened. The doctor has to keep that information between you and him so no one will get in trouble. If your brother continues shit like this it's time to have a serious discussion about what you will and will not tolerate.

So to echo Wolfter's question to you, why bother posting anything at all? This is about him.

This thread is obviously a very tender subject not only for Wolfe but for lots of people that have ever had to deal with things of this nature in their own family . I hate to see it get even a bit off track . I think it would be best if we wait to see what Wolfe has to say about Miss P's latest comment , you may be surprised by what he has to say .

Wolfie, I'm sorry to hear this, but I'm glad you felt comfortable enough to discuss it here. Keeping a secret for someone, who has done something wrong, is hard. It causes you to have to lie to others, which is not fair. When creating the original thread here about your foot, you had to pretend it was from horse play. And, you had to pretend like it was partly your fault for "not acting your age."

I wish you the best healing physically and emotionally. I hope this was out of character for your brother, and that he is truly sorry. I know you've spoken very fondly of him. Is he offering to pay for those medical bills that are rolling in? It wouldn't be right for you to have to take another hit, by having to shell out the money from your pocket.

My brother and I got into a physical fight way back in 1996. We were traveling to Nashville for New Year's. He was heading home to Atlanta, so we decided to go with him to Nashville to the bars there. An unexpected snow storm hit on our way down. All of our nerves were already frayed from driving in the storm--they don't have many snow plows south of Louisville. There was alcohol involved, of course. My brother had been picking at me all night. To make a long story short, it ended in a physical fight.

We were sharing the same hotel room, which he had the only key. He put our stuff outside, and we were forced to find another room at 4am. It was well over a year before we spoke again. To this day, I feel guilty about punching him in the face. He claims to feel guilty as well, but I think he still blames me for starting the fight. The fight was definitely out of character for me, and for him as well. I know the combination of nerves being frayed, in combination with alcohol, precipitated the fight. No one had any broken bones, however.

I'm so sorry to learn that you were violently assaulted, particularly by a member of your own family. No wonder it has been eating away at you. Secrets and cover-ups are toxic and burdensome, and in your case it is seriously diminishing what has happened to you. And yet, many families maintain secrets, about all kinds of things (e.g. HIV). I also wouldn't blame you for being hurt about how your Mom is reacting to all this.

To me, it seems that your brother's drinking is just a catalyst for his lashing out. Deep down, he's got some issues to deal with somewhere. So I think Basquo said it best when he said that you all could benefit from some counseling. I have no idea if your Mom or brother would do that, but I'd strongly encourage you to seek out some counseling. This is a seriously traumatic event you've been through.

Henry

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"Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things: One is that God loves you and you're going to burn in hell. The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth and you should save it for someone you love." - Butch Hancock, Musician, The Flatlanders

Hi Wolfter, I'm so sorry you had to endure all this. I don't have much to add, alhtough I can't help wondering (and I presume others are):

1. Why did your brother attack you?

2. Why is your mother covering it up?

There could be a host of reasons addressing both these questions. Is it connected to their perception of your sexuality or is it something else? Whatever the case, I agree that counselling and honesty is the way forward.

He "charged" you why? He's not normally a violent person, you say. He doesn't have a history of attacking you, or other people? He was drunk and charged you why?

If its a weird physical accident, and he's not a bully, and he was drunk, and he's sorry -- then why was the cover up necessary? Maybe maybe I could see your mom or bro being embarrassed about it socially, locally, in your lives, but why didn't you say this is what happened here in the forum? If its a fluke with a bad ending, it's still just a fluke.

Or, do you think its something else?

Care to go just a bit deeper and speculate?

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ďFrom each, according to his ability; to each, according to his needĒ 1875 K Marx

If your brother has never done anything like this before. I would say tell the doctor what happened. The doctor has to keep that information between you and him so no one will get in trouble. If your brother continues shit like this it's time to have a serious discussion about what you will and will not tolerate.

Wrong. If a doctor determines an assault has occurred he/she must report it to the authorities.

greg, so sorry to hear what happened, Dealing with family conflicts is always a touchy subject...this was certainly more serious that a "disagreement" or "outburst" that happens so often among close families.....to me it seems to come down to what your long term relationship is and will continue to be with your family, what happened is not a trivial thing and needs to be addressed . several here have suggested "counseling" this can be good for you in any case but really needs to involve all concerned...... do what you can to resolve it with every one but be sure you take care of yourself first .I wish you a speedy recovery of all the hurts mentally and physically

Thanks everyone. It's difficult to relate all the relevant points without typing an entire book. This "cover up" has created a lot of hostility within myself. Somewhere inside, there are probably a lot of feelings related to my family's feelings about my sexuality.

If I was mending properly, this might have been able to pass. But I'm seriously worried my treatment might not have been proper based on this lie. I was told that I'd be able to put full weight on foot by now and not need crutches. But I'm not able to either. My foot remains swollen and I'm beginning to worry that more damage was done that they might have overlooked based on the facts as reported.

I in no way desire to see my brother criminally punished, but I see no alternative but to convey the truth to my doctor. I'm hoping he'll allow the conversation "off the record", but I know he has a legal requirement to report suspected cases of abuse/assault. My mother also knew this being married to a deputy for 27 years.

It's almost weird that I'm harboring more ill feelings towards my mother than my brother. I guess her lack of concern has brought about long held feelings of resentment. Kinda like patterns of childhood are being repeated.

I really do appreciate all the support. I've managed to bring the boiling point down a little.

Wolfie

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Dear Greg, reading on Thanksgiving of this assault on you is heartbreaking. You must do and say whatever you must for a full recovery as you are concerned it is not healing properly as you did not disclose how it happened. Obviously if you are dependent on others, particularly your mother and brother, then you worry about the housing and financial situation and what your alternatives might be. The main thing is for you to get that foot healed properly.

Hugs, Jody

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"Wake up to find out that you are the eyes of the world". "Try to discover that you are the song that the morning brings."

wolfie,sorry to be slow in seeing this thread.i can't really add much that hasn't already been said other than to ask if you have made any progress in dealing with both your brother and your mother.what an emotional stressy mess not to mention the added burden of the physical problems this has caused you. i'm not sure what i would do as i would be so hurt and angry with the two of them. makes my problems look easy-breezy.take care.