I am hugely passionate about mindset. Mindset is what makes the difference in people’s outcome. Mindset determines whether we are successful or not, happy or depressed, rich or poor, and even healthy or unhealthy. There are many factors that play into mindset. The most important factor is the conversation you have with yourself on a daily basis.

I have written on the idea of self-talk in the past, so I won’t delve too deeply here. But, the general idea is that we talk to ourselves all day long, some 300-1000 words per minute. Those words, or those internal conversations, are what forge our mindset. Most noteworthy, you can’t have a positive mindset if you’re having a negative conversation with yourself all day long.

Most people grasp this concept, but the challenging part is changing that conversation in our heads. The biggest question is “how?” We must understand how the brain works in order to tackle this question. People are habitual creates; we find comfort in our routines. Habits developed by repeated patterns of behavior create our daily routines. Ever start a new job and find yourself feeling completely uncomfortable with the new position? Yet, over time, that same job seems to get easier. We become more comfortable with the new routine. Behaviorally, we create patterns which in turn create a routine that brings us a level of comfort.

Our thought patterns operate off this same premise. There’s a concept called the “Tetris effect” which basically states that our brain is changeable (neuroplasticity) based on what we are exposed to in our environment. Lawyers and tax auditors learn to scrutinize and look for problems in their work. In return, they have higher rates of depression despite having higher income earnings. Why? These individuals see the world through a lens designed to look for problems. Consequently, they look for problems everywhere. There is no on and off switch where they can toggle back and forth between work and personal life.

This example shows how our habitual thought patterns keep us in state. If our habitual thoughts and self-talk are negative, we will remain in a negative state. As a result, this becomes our lens for viewing the world in all aspects; again, there is no on and off switch to toggle back and forth between different aspects of our lives. And in a self-perpetuating way, the more we look for negativity, the more we see it.

One of the most profound ways to change this habitual thought pattern is to change the questions you ask yourself. The questions you ask yourself create the conversation you hear internally. For instance, you may ask, “Why does this keep happening to me?” Asking a question constructed in that manner limits our ability to answer that question with only negative responses. Consequently, there is no way to answer that question with a positive response. The answers we force ourselves into are; “I’m not smart” – “I deserve it” – “I’m not good enough” – “I’m a bad person.” That conversation becomes self-convincing over time and so, that’s how our life plays out. Our mind creates neural pathways of a negative self-image based on this ongoing internal conversation; thus, the “Tetris effect.”

A real world example of this comes to us in the form of relationships. When we have a relationship fail, we divorce or break-up, we start asking those negatively constructed questions; “Why does this keep happening to me” or “Why doesn’t he/she love me?” Hence, there is no way to answer that in a positive way. We convince ourselves we are not good enough, attractive enough, or worthy enough of a good relationship. That becomes our self-image and we must see how it greatly impacts who we chose as our next partner; thus, the cycle continues. Furthermore, this is a huge contributing factor as to why we feel bouts of depression after a failed relationship. We ask ourselves questions that solicit depressing responses, therefore we feel depressed about ourselves.

We can learn to change the questions we ask ourselves. As a result, this will set us up to change the responses to those questions. If we can construct those questions in a positive way, we can solicit a positive response. Positive responses create new neural pathways in the brain. In other words, by simply changing our self-questions, we can change our mindset.

Going back to the failed relationship example, because it’s a topic most everyone can identify with, we can see how to apply these differently constructed questions. Ask a question like, “What did I learn about myself in this relationship that I need to change to make my next relationship successful?” We now set ourselves up to do some self-analysis in a constructive way. We all know we learn more from our mistakes than our successes. A question formed in this manner helps us identify those mistakes. We answer, “I need to learn to communicate better” or “I need to learn to control my anger.” Even the worst case scenario can be answered in a constructive way; “I need to learn to control my impulses and not sleep with the neighbor.”

Questions constructed in this way push us to do self-analysis and come up with ways to make self-improvement. When we have constructive answers we create a clear path and direction. Additionally, this prevents negative self-talk which becomes depressing and self-fulfilling. These types of re-constructed questions can apply to any aspect of our lives; business, personal growth, relationships, financial, etc.

Try using the following pre-fixes to self-questions:

“What would I have to do in order to…?”

“Describe what type of person I have to be in order to…?”

“What if…?”

“They said it can’t be done, what would I have to do to accomplish…?”

“How would my life look in order to do…?”

“What would I have to do in order to feel…?”

“What did I learn about myself that I need to change for…?”

In addition, questions designed correctly can push your boundaries into unbelievable growth. Try using the following:

“What do I want in a partner and who would I have to be to attract that person?”

“What do I consider a successful person and what would I have to change to be that person?”

When you answer these questions, you will likely create a to do list. That’s your roadmap to success.

Questions constructed in this manner will promote self-reflection, growth, improvement, gains, and furtherance. Most of all, they don’t allow for negative responses that cause self-doubt or self-worth issues. Therefore, they don’t perpetuate negativity.

Especially relevant, the world we operate in thrives on negativity and the misfortune of others. We have to fight against that notion and re-wire our brains to promote growth and happiness through a positive mindset. Start asking yourself more productive questions, and watch your productivity soar.

]]>http://robrmorris.com/2017/09/17/change-questions-ask-change-life/feed/014185 Rules of Jiu Jitsu that will Change Your Life Foreverhttp://robrmorris.com/2017/02/20/5-rules-jiu-jitsu-will-change-life-forever/
http://robrmorris.com/2017/02/20/5-rules-jiu-jitsu-will-change-life-forever/#respondMon, 20 Feb 2017 04:37:56 +0000http://robrmorris.com/?p=1413Rule Number One: Life’s Return on Investment – Put the Time In. Anyone who has ever had a conversation about investing understands the concept of return on investment or “ROI.” ...

Rob R Morris

A Jiu Jitsu Life

Rule Number One: Life’s Return on Investment – Put the Time In.

Anyone who has ever had a conversation about investing understands the concept of return on investment or “ROI.” In layman’s terms it simply means profitability. Based on the investment or what one has put in, what is the return or profit.

In the jiu jitsu world, the guys who are in the gym more often than the other guys are always the best practitioners of the game. Plain and simple, they are better at the techniques, better conditioned and promote faster through the belt ranks. They become the top level guys. The disparity of outcome between the guys who go once a week and the ones who go five times a week is enormous. These guys give great investment to the sport and receive the most dividends.

Malcolm Gladwell speaks of the rule of 10,000 hours in his book Outliers. His concept is perfection in task occurs after you have invested 10,000 hours or repetitions. This is obviously an oversimplification of his idea and there are other contributing factors to success but the idea is ten thousand of anything is a considerable investment as it pertains to our discussion. The return on that investment, as Gladwell’s theory holds, is extreme success in that domain – becoming an outlier. Gladwell associates the success of icons like The Beatles, Bill Gates and many professional athletes to this rule of 10,000 hours. They invested the time and received outlier success in return.

If you want to be the best, you have to invest the time, energy and effort to become the best. You have to do more than the guy or girl standing next to you. You will never become an outlier if you do the same things or give the same effort everyone else does. What you will become is mediocre.

You want a great body? Go to the gym more and eat better than the people around you. You want to be the smartest person in the room? Read more books, have more education, and learn more than the other people in the same room. You want to be the best at your job? Immerse yourself into your work. Showing up for eight hours and robotically going through the motions won’t suffice.

You must avoid getting to a particular comfortable spot in life and then turning on the cruise control mode. The only thing you will accomplish from that is mediocrity. If you give mediocre input, life will return you a mediocre output.

Rule Number Two: Don’t Panic and Tap Out – Learn to Work in Bad Situations.

From a biological standpoint, people seek pleasure and avoid pain. We can’t avoid the way we are hardwired internally, but we must see the shortcomings in that philosophy. If we only sought pleasure and avoided all pain, we would never create an environment of being uncomfortable. The main problem with this notion is that we don’t learn from our successes, we learn from our failures and mistakes. These failures create stronger impressions on our psyche, which create greater learning points than do our successes.

As a young white belt in the jiu jitsu world, the moment someone applied a choke on me I would panic and tap out, or surrender, which ends the fight. It was a scary position to be in and I was afraid of being put to sleep – choked unconscious. As I progressed, I learned that the perceived danger of being rendered unconscious is far greater than the actual danger. In other words, instead of panicking, I learned to relax in these situations. I slowed my breathing and began analyzing the situation I was in.

Understanding which direction the choke is being applied from would lend me to knowing which way to turn to create a little extra space. I quickly learned an extra inch of space made a world of difference in terms of being able to breathe. I could tuck my chin or put my hand in the way, stopping the choke. With this small space, I could begin working my way out of the choke, inch by inch.

Life presents itself in similar ways. When we push ourselves toward growth we risk failure or if something adverse happens to us (life chokes us) we tend to panic and give up or quit – we tap out. That’s the natural response to avoid pain. We prefer to return to an easier or familiar path to seek pleasure. But, this is the wrong approach. If we tapped out every time life applied a choke to us, we would constantly be in a losing posing and would never go any further in life.

We have two lives. The life we live and the life we want to live. What separates the two is fear. Fear of failure or rejection. The life we live is safe, whereas the life we want presents perceived danger. We must fight forward beyond the fear to live the life we want to live, that’s the only fulfilling life there is. Albeit easier, the safe life is not fulfilling and typically lacks meaning and purpose. We must put ourselves in uncomfortable positions and forge forward toward that fulfilling, purposeful life. When life tries to choke us, remember, slow down and breathe – analyze the situation and work into a better position inch by inch.

Rule Number Three: Check Your Ego at the Door.

Man or woman’s greatest enemy lies within the self – it’s the ego. While a healthy ego is needed for advancement and betterment, an unhealthy ego is destructive and detrimental to your well-being.

I have trained with some serious top notch guys in the jiu jitsu world. When you train with world class athletes, you get used to one thing – losing. Getting choked out by a guy half my size could certainly bruise my ego – if I let it. The fragile ego will quit for self-preservation reasons, while the healthy ego will come back for more, recognizing the growth potential.

The key to success in life is creating a learning environment for yourself. In order to grow, you must surround yourself with people who are better, smarter, more skilled, and more advanced than you are. This is where the law of averages comes into play. Motivational speaker Jim Rohn famously said, “We are the average of the five people we spend the most time with.” Nothing is truer.

This notion applies to all aspects of your life, professional and personal. It doesn’t matter if you’re sitting in a classroom, board room, or corporate office, if you are the best skilled or smartest person in the room you will never grow in that environment. You have no one to learn from.

You have to put yourself in uncomfortable situations and surround yourself by people who are better than you. They will force you to grow. But, and this is the key part, you must check your ego at the door.

The ego only chooses battles you are sure to win. Winning is fuel for the ego. However, you have to fight against this and not give in to the safe approach. You will not grow on the safe path, just like you won’t get rich investing in mutual funds – you need to take risk. Risk requires checking your ego at the door and putting yourself in uncomfortable learning environments.

Rule Number Four: If You Fail to Plan, You Plan to Fail – Always Have a Plan.

As a white belt in jiu jitsu, everyone was better than I was. The only thing I learned early on… survive. As time went on I got better and was able to hold people off a little longer before they had their way with me. But even as I was progressing, I was still in defense mode most of the time – life sort of works like this. Sometimes you feel like you can’t catch a break and you are just surviving in the moment. The moment you get your head above water, the next round of life kicks you and you are back fluttering in the water trying not to get pulled in too deep where you can’t breathe.

Successful jiu jitsu practitioners always have a plan. They look at jiu jitsu like a chess game, where they are always several steps ahead. They are not simply thinking of a particular move in the moment. Rather, they are using a particular move, with the expectation their opponent is going to react a certain way, which leads to the next move – which is the real submission attempt. In other words, they are setting their opponent up with a move, waiting for the expected counter response, and then moving in for the kill.

You must have a plan in life. You wouldn’t hop in the car and just start driving unless you knew where you were going. If it was an unfamiliar place, you would plan out a route on a map and follow that plan until you arrived at your destination. In this process, you know where you are starting from, you know specifically where you are going and you have a direct route to get there. Why would you live your life any differently?

Tony Robbins described two questions you should always ask yourself when making changes or accomplishing something;

1 – What specifically do I want? (What’s the desired outcome?)

2 – What specifically do I need to do to obtain it? (What’s the plan to get it?)

If you apply these two simple questions to everything in your life, you will provide yourself a roadmap with clear direction.

Rule Number Five: Live a Disciplined Life – Mindset is Everything.

When people think of discipline, they typically think of it in negative terms. Even when we talk about people having a disciplined posture (military, police, etc.) we think of them as regimented and inflexible. The truth is, this mentality is completely backwards. The disciplined mind is free.

The jiu jitsu mind is a disciplined mindset. All of these principles described here become a way of life – a way to approach all matters in life, not just while on the mat. And they are applied, no matter what. We all have “tired” days, sick days or even busy days, but that shouldn’t stop the forward progress. The disciplined man or woman drags him/her-self out of bed every day, fights through the challenges and obstacles and pushes forward. The days that you feel positive and good are not the important days you need to train, it’s the days you feel tired, unmotivated or don’t have time that matter most. Pushing through and training on these days trains your mind to fight through obstacles and adversity.

Your mindset is how you will carry out your life. If you are constantly worried about and plagued by fears, you will live a fearful life and never go beyond a safe approach to everything. If you are lazy, you will never put in the extra energy or effort that is needed to take your life to the next level. If you have a victim mentality, you will see yourself as the victim of life’s circumstances and you will never get beyond that role. If you can’t be honest with yourself and own your shortcomings, you will always point the finger elsewhere when something goes wrong in your life.

Your life is created in your mind long before you live it out in reality. That life is determined by your mindset. The one thing that is equal to all men and women is time. There is not a single person who has an advantage of more time than his/her counterpart. While we have varying degrees of intelligence, strength, resilience, support, ability, etc., we are all equal on the playing field of time. The difference in your outcomes is how you spend that twenty-four hour period of time each day. Change what you do and think within that twenty-four hours and you will change your outcome and life forever.

Click HERE for a copy of my new book, Opposite Man – Surviving After Abuse and Breaking Free of Victim Stereotypes.

Okay, my people are probably going to kill me for this because it’s not supposed to be the “official release” but I couldn’t help share the news. I’m excited about it.

So many people have asked, “How did you do it? How did you overcome everything you went through? How did you make it?” I am often reminded, “Statistically, you shouldn’t have made it.”

The adversities of your past predispose you for a particular path in life. Statistically speaking, that is not usually a good path.

The statistics are stacked against victims of abuse or trauma, whether it’s sexual, physical, or emotional and whether it occurred at an early age or later in life.

Statistics try to quantify and objectively look at human behavior, even though in specific cases, behavior is impossible to accurately predict. Statistics try to categorize us into groups and then predict our outcome.

But we can only predict a person’s future within the larger framework of statistics referring to a whole group—our individual personalities remain unpredictable.

Statistics suggest an outcome based on patterns of lots of people, but they don’t account for our individuality and our ability to break free from victim stereotypes. Statistics don’t account for our resilience to become the… Opposite Man (or woman) of what we should have become.

However, statistics do give us a reference point to quantify the magnitude of our adversities. They allow us to measure our own personal successes and failures in life by making comparisons to others in similar categories.

I find pride in realizing how opposite I have turned out from what I could have become. I am reminded that I have survived my ordeals and that I am all right… in fact I’m better than alright. I have been fortunate in my efforts to turn my adversity into triumphs and have completely changed my path in life.

I am saddened by the statistics, though, because they remind me how much work we still must do. I’m confronted with how many people out there who have not made it—people who continue to perpetuate and reaffirm the sad statistics.

These numbers remind me how many people have not figured out how to stop the pain and suffering of the victim role—how many have not broken free of victim stereotypes.

The statistics provide the realization that while I am the Opposite Man, so many others are not. There can be no heaven without a hell—no hot without cold—no day without night. We must have an opposing measurement to quantify our own progress and success.

The most important aspect of these statistics is that they only apply to us if we allow them to. If we change our path and direction, then they no longer apply.

The Opposite Man is about changing your life, changing your direction, and overcoming the dismal statistics cosigned to us by our past adversities. The Opposite Man is about learning to live a life of excellence and finding that inner serenity and peace.

Check out my website for the Opposite Man and get a sneak preview into the pages of the book by clicking HERE. Shhhh don’t tell, but you can also order the book today by clicking HERE.

]]>http://robrmorris.com/2016/12/16/new-book-opposite-man-done/feed/01396Part Two: Resilience – 7 Strategies to Developing an Unwavering Inner Resiliencehttp://robrmorris.com/2016/10/22/part-two-resilience-7-strategies-developing-unwavering-inner-resilience/
http://robrmorris.com/2016/10/22/part-two-resilience-7-strategies-developing-unwavering-inner-resilience/#respondSat, 22 Oct 2016 15:34:40 +0000http://robrmorris.com/?p=1386Yesterday, in part one of this article, we talked about resilience being the single most important factor to your success. If we were forced to identify but one single component ...

]]>Yesterday, in part one of this article, we talked about resilience being the single most important factor to your success. If we were forced to identify but one single component to overall success, no matter what the genre, resilience would be it. Without resilience, none of the other characteristics common to success would sustain under the pressure and stress of everyday life.

It’s these stressors that cause us to lose our drive, desire, motivation and so forth. It’s our resilience, our ability to bounce back after adversity that allows us to sustain and be successful. It’s our resilience that allows us to pick ourselves up off the ground when we get knocked down by life. Without this resilience, we just can’t seem to find that resolve to get back up and fight forward another day – maintaining that constant push forward to reaching our dreams.

At the end of part one, we were left with the question, is our resilience given to us through our genetic links, or is it developed through our relationships and life experiences – this is the common debate of nature versus nurture. Are we born to be successful or are we developed to be successful? In short answer, both nature (our genetics) and nurture (our environment) play a role in the development of our resilience.

Psychologists have long agreed that a person’s protective factors, which are influences that modify a person’s response to environmental stressors, greatly contribute to a person’s resilience. These protective factors are comprised of many things, both environmental (family environment and parental warmth) and psychological factors (intelligence, self-esteem, temperament). Some of these factors come to us early in life and some are even genetically within us from birth – some people are just born with stronger resilience than others. So the question begs, if we didn’t already have strong resilience genetically gifted to us nor was it developed in our childhood, can we develop it later in life as adults?

The short answer is yes.

Mark Divine lists five key elements to developing this resilience in his book which was mentioned in part one. They are, Desire: you must have a desire for the outcome – an “I will have it” attitude. This is so much stronger than the simple, “I want” something. Belief: you must deeply believe in your purpose and yourself. Attitude: you have to have a “positive and can-do attitude.” You can’t be waivered by negativity and doubt. Discipline: in Divine’s words, “You must be willing to give up unnecessary attachments and commitments and put in the right amount of daily effort toward your goal.” Lastly, Determination: you must have an unwavering commitment to stay the course and never quit. Each of these characteristics can be developed throughout the life span, but they must be practiced every single day. The stronger these characteristics are within you, the stronger your resilience will be.

Beyond the character traits Divine describes, there are two other key components to developing this unwavering inner resilience; they are Courage and positive Self-talk. One of the most important factors of success is overcoming your fears. Fear is what holds most people back in their lives. Overcoming your fear doesn’t mean becoming fearless, in fact there’s no such thing, we are all afraid at times. What makes the difference is what you do in the face of that fear. Overcoming your fear means working within the realm of fear and moving forward despite those fears – it’s developing Courage.

How do we combat these fears and develop courage? One great way is stress inoculation. Anyone who works in a stressful job (police officers, military, fighter pilots, firemen, etc.) is familiar with stress inoculation training. It’s been scientifically proven, the more often you are subjected to stressful events, the better you can handle them. You are probably wondering how this applies to what we are talking about. Here’s the connection – you can overcome your fears and become more courageous by subjecting yourself to your fears. When something scares you, don’t run from it or avoid it, tackle it. The more often you do this the more you will believe in yourself and your own abilities to overcome your fears – the concept self-efficacy. You cannot let your fears hold you back in life; the safe life is not a fulfilling life. Teach yourself to fight through your fears, learn to be courageous, and you will unlock potential within yourself that you didn’t realize existed.

Another huge component to your success is modifying the conversations you have with yourself every single day. We all talk to ourselves, non-stop. What we probably don’t realize is how important this Self-Talk is. We constantly talk ourselves into things as well as out of things. Our stress management is greatly affected by these self-conversations. It is estimated that seventy percent of what we say to ourselves in negative. If your spouse said negative things to you seventy percent of the time, we would call that emotional abuse – so why do we tolerate it from ourselves?

Have you ever paid close attention to the context of the conversations you are having with yourself? I have – and I notice, and I’m sure it’s true for all of us, that on the days I feel down and blah, that running dialog in my head is extremely negative. I also notice that once I consciously change this conversation to positive, I immediately feel better.

I have always said this; change the conversation you have with yourself on a daily basis and you will change your outcome – I guarantee it. You can’t be passive about this. You must be constantly aware of that running dialog in your head and when you notice it’s negative, you must immediately change it. Like changing a radio station from one genre of music to another, you can change the self-conversation from negative to positive.

We are surrounded by a world that thrives on negativity, but you can’t allow that negativity to control your mind, because it will certainly control your outcome. You must fight against negative external forces and fight against negative internal conversations. You can’t blossom while being surrounded by negativity.

If you want to be successful in life, regardless of the arena, you must figure out how to successfully navigate the ebbs and flows of life itself. If you’re constantly taking one step forward and being pushed two steps back, you will never attain your goals or dreams. You must dig deep and find that inner resilience that continues you on an upward trajectory despite life’s setbacks. Like a great fighter, be prepared to get knocked down in life, but have the resolve to get back up and fight another round – constantly pushing forward. The one common trait amongst all successful people lies within their resilience to fight forward no matter the terrain.

Learn more about developing this inner resilience in my newly published book, Opposite Man – Surviving after Abuse and Breaking Free of Victim Stereotypes. Within the pages of the book you will be given a step-by-step guide to living not only a truly fulfilling life, but a life of excellence. It doesn’t matter what challenges life throws at you, what matters is your response choices – that’s what determines your final outcome. For more information on developing the unwavering inner resilience, click HERE.

]]>http://robrmorris.com/2016/10/22/part-two-resilience-7-strategies-developing-unwavering-inner-resilience/feed/01386What is the Single Most Important Ingredient to Your Success?http://robrmorris.com/2016/10/21/single-important-ingredient-success/
http://robrmorris.com/2016/10/21/single-important-ingredient-success/#commentsFri, 21 Oct 2016 15:53:10 +0000http://robrmorris.com/?p=1383What is the Single Most Important Ingredient to Your Success? There is one trait common to most all human beings – the desire to have success. Regardless of ethnicity, gender, ...

There is one trait common to most all human beings – the desire to have success. Regardless of ethnicity, gender, age, or cultural differences, we all want individual success in our lives. Our differences lie within our own definition of success – mine likely being different from yours. Success has different meaning to different people; some want to be millionaires, some want to make one-hundred thousand dollars a year, some want a professional vocation, and some want to be successful entrepreneurs while being a stay at home parent.

Regardless of the definition in terms of what success means to each of us, we are all in pursuit of it. In fact, humans are pre-programmed for betterment. So much so, if you were to google books within your area of defined success you would find thousands on each individual topic; from being a millionaire to any entrepreneurial endeavor you can image. We all chase this idea of success.

So, if success is the desired outcome for most all of us, is there a particular recipe for achieving it? Is it the same recipe whether I want to be a millionaire or a fitness model, or is it different? I suspect if you bought books written by the leading gurus on each of those topics, they would certainly have a different path with unique tactics to attaining their particular success. But, would there be some common overlapping traits to each of these goals? There obviously would be.

Regardless of how different those topics are, there would certainly be common characteristics or behaviors that would help one achieve success regardless of domain. These common traits are probably not a secret to you, in fact you have likely heard them many times before; be focused, motivated, dedicated, goal oriented, visualize the outcome, driven, spend more time on your goal than anything else, etc. We could probably make a long list of the positive characteristics that one would need to attain success, no matter what the topic was. Then, beyond those common traits there would be specific behaviors or tactics to attaining success in each specific area. For instance, becoming a fitness model would require a very precise diet, whereas that trait would really have nothing to do with becoming a millionaire.

So, if we are already familiar with the common or overlapping successful character traits, and we can find the specific behaviors or tactics in thousands of books written for each particular area, then why aren’t more people “successful” in their desired domain? You can bet there are a lot of people out there who want to be millionaires or fitness models, but they aren’t. They may have even started toward that goal, but stopped short of reaching it. Why? What holds these people back from being a millionaire or fitness model if the exact recipe is provided in black and white? Is it a lack of effort or desire? Maybe it is a lack of goal setting or drive? Perhaps a lack of time, or are we just plain lazy?

The reality is, if we are not successful in our desired domain, it’s probably a combination of many things we are doing wrong, likely both behavioral (poor diet) and psychological (lack of drive) in the case of the fitness model. So, why do we fail in these areas? Is there one key trait responsible for this? I will ask it another way. What if I asked you to identify one key ingredient to being truly successful, no matter what the domain was – the single most important factor to success. What would that be? Is it even possible to narrow this down to one single key component, despite the broadness of domains to be successful in?

I believe there is one key attribute – it’s our resilience.

According to Merriam-Webster Dictionary, resilience is defined as, “the ability to become strong, healthy, or successful again after something bad happens” or “the ability of something to return to its original shape after it has been pulled, stretched, pressed, bent, etc..” I have always said, we are not defined by the adversities in our lives, we are defined by how we manage them. That’s resilience.

So what makes resilience the single most important character trait, beyond all others, that would allow us to be successful at anything we do no matter what the domain is? Resilience is at the core of all other traits. In other words, you can’t maintain the other traits, like drive or motivation, without having resilience to stay that course when life gets tough.

Have you ever dieted for a competition? I have – it’s a miserable experience. Have you ever trained for a jiu jitsu competition at the Pan-Am World Games? Again, it’s a grueling and miserable experience of training multiple times a day and even working through injuries. Even becoming a millionaire has a very specific disciplined and calculated risk taking approach. After all, people don’t get rich with mutual funds; they get rich by taking calculated risks which is stressful and comes with certain amounts of failure.

Beyond the millionaire dream, even working your way through medical school at UCLA or building your own business from the ground up can be very stressful and taxing on your psyche. What about working a part-time night job so you can put yourself through nursing school all day? This will certainly cause most people to question whether the outcome is worth the effort. Add to all of this, life is constantly throwing curve balls at us; relationship issues, financial distress, physical stress, death, health issues, misfortune and all of the other bad things we deal with on a regular basis.

It’s for these reasons we lack motivation or drive to put in effort. It can cause us to lose our discipline or lose our focus, and spend our valuable time distracting ourselves with social media because we don’t want to face the stress and anxiety of it all. It’s for these reasons we give up and shelve our dreams for a more opportune time – when life calms down. The stress of life causes us to want to give up, change course and forgo our pursuits. Giving up is the easier path. How many people drop out of medical school every year because it’s just too much to deal with in addition to the stress of everyday life? How many people start a new business but then quit when things don’t go exactly as planned and they deplete their entire initial investment? This is such a common path in life.

The one antidote to all of this is our resilience. The one character trait that keeps people going, keeps the motivation and drive present, allows us to bounce back after adversity, despite whatever roadblocks life throws our way is… resilience. Everyone experiences some form of hardship, adversity or failure in life. If you think Donald Trump has not failed in life at many things, you’re not in touch with reality. In fact he has filed for bankruptcy four times – and so what. He is still one of the most successful and smartest business men in the world, because he has the ability to bounce back after adversity.

The point is, every single great fighter gets knocked down onto the canvas. The difference between champions and a soon to be dropout lies within their resolve – their resilience. The great fighters get back up to fight another round despite their body begging them to stay down. Every entrepreneur experiences financial setback, the successful ones grit their teeth and keep moving forward despite the emotional rollercoaster of it all. Every champion level fitness model drags themselves out of bed each morning despite their painful muscles and calorie depleted bodies. The one common character trait in all successful people is… resilience.

Mark Divine, former Navy Seal, talks about this concept in his book, “Unbeatable Mind: Forge Resiliency and Mental Toughness to Succeed at an Elite Level.” He describes one characteristic common to all successful candidates of the grueling Navy Seal’s BUD/S training program. No other single characteristics matters as much; not size, strength, toughness, conditioning, etc. The one trait common to graduates is their resilience. As Divine describes it, they have “heart” to get through the program. They find a way, an inner strength different from physical strength, to make it through the next grueling evolution or even just to the next meal. They either have or quickly developed resilience. The ones who don’t, quickly ring the bell – the traditional manner in which candidates drop out of the program.

Are we born with resilience or do we develop it? Tomorrow, in Part Two of this series, we will learn the origins of our resilience and also see that we have the absolute ability to develop this key character trait at any point in our lives. Join me in Part Two.

]]>http://robrmorris.com/2016/10/21/single-important-ingredient-success/feed/11383Why Are We So Bad At Relationships?http://robrmorris.com/2015/10/14/why-are-we-so-bad-at-relationships/
http://robrmorris.com/2015/10/14/why-are-we-so-bad-at-relationships/#respondWed, 14 Oct 2015 19:07:18 +0000http://rob.robrmorris.com/?p=1213Why Are We So Bad At Relationships? I was talking to a friend of mine the other day. She was telling me that she was driving down the street and ...

I was talking to a friend of mine the other day. She was telling me that she was driving down the street and saw the scariest guy walking. He had a tattoo of a swastika on his forehead and his eyes were filled with hatred. She said he, “Just looked so mean.” I told her, “Don’t be afraid of him, at least you know who he is.”

I don’t fear a man described as such, I fear the man who doesn’t have a swastika tattoo and who dresses like a sheep, yet has all the same hatred inside as the wolf. That’s the man to fear because you will never know him.

How many times have we thought we truly knew who someone was – a spouse, friend, lover, acquaintance – all to find out they were someone completely different, someone much scarier inside than our preconceived thoughts? It is the wolf who dresses like and comingles with the sheep that pose the greatest threat to our well-being.

In a world of quick fixes – shortcuts, fast food, microwaves, social media and online dating – we have lost our ability to create strong social bonds with the people around us. This lack of engagement is having a detrimental effect on our social relationships and we are failing to know and understand the people in our lives. And somehow we are surprised when the sheep sheds their skin and the wolf lies down next to us in the bed one night.

Today we are surrounded by cell phones, social media and technological advances and we have learned to be efficient in all that we do. We can now run our business from home, never seeing a client ever. We can manage all of our contacts and communications through e-mail, never directly speaking to anyone. And we keep up with all our Facebook friend’s lives by liking their superficial posts.

This efficiency has allowed us to completely disengage from people and life in general. This unfortunately carries over into all aspects of our lives including our interpersonal relationships. We have become horrible at knowing the people around us – knowing who they are or what they are. Our relationships are suffering.

I often sit in restaurants and watch people. I’m always discouraged to look across the room and see a family of four sitting at the table; husband, wife and two teenage kids. Every single person is on their cell phone for the majority of the outing. No communication between them, everyone in their own little world, completely disengaged from the people they are siting with. This denigrates the quality of our personal relationships at home and creates habits we carry throughout our lives when interacting with others.

I have sat in coffee shops and watched couples at a table, each on their phone, and not saying one word to one another for thirty minutes. How do you maintain a romantic relationship or connect with someone on an intimate level when you are not even with them? You might as well be sitting alone. Being engaged on social media does not make you social, and it does nothing to nurture or create quality social relationships. If you allow that type of disengaged mindset (behavior), it will take over your entire life. The problem then perpetuates itself – you will approach everything in life with the same distracted, superficial and un-engaged mind.

We must break free from this pattern of behavior. We must take time to cultivate quality relationships and spend time with the people in our lives. Here are five key points:

1) Build Connections in person. Online communication (phones or computers), including dating, is not a legitimate way to develop relationships with people. People can be anyone behind the keystrokes of a keyboard. Meet people and talk to people face to face. Building relationships with people requires more than just black and white words on a phone or computer screen. We build connections with people through our voices, inflection of words, our eye contact, non-verbal communication, spatial proximity, and our touch. This has to be done in person, face to face – this is how we build connections.

2) Employ the law of reciprocity. One of the key principles in the social exchange of emotion is that we as humans expect reciprocity. In other words, when we contribute emotionally (or physically) we expect to receive like emotions in equal amounts from the person we have shared with. This is a basic principle in the social exchange process. If we don’t have an equal exchange, it disrupts the balance of the exchange and affects the relationship. When there’s an equal exchange this produces positive emotions in the relationship, whereas an inequality will likely produce negative emotions. This inequality of emotional exchange is what causes problems in intimate relationships. In these cases, one person puts more into the relationship (physical work, communication, effort, money, intimacy) and when they don’t receive the same in return, it causes feelings of resentment or causes the person putting more in to withdraw. If you think about it, most all marriages/relationships fail because of an inequality of exchange – no matter what you label the issue as; infidelity, violence, lack of communication, lack of attention, lack of respect, one person falls out of love – it’s one person contributing more (or less) than the other. This is true of not only intimate relationships, but all social relationships.

3) Go to lunch – and leave your phones in the car. Be active and social in your relationships. Go to lunch, dinner, or anything where the environment and mood is happy and social. Engage one another. Be a good listener and communicator. Look at each other, touch, laugh and joke. Build connections through social bonding activities. These types of connections tend to be deep rooted and not superficial. Building these social bonds also makes us feel better about ourselves because it produces a host of positive neural chemicals in the brain. In fact, psychologists have known for years, one of the strongest antidotes to depression is a strong network of close friends.

4) Put the phones down. Have a conversation (not about Facebook) with the person sitting directly across the table from you – whether it’s a friend, co-worker, lover or even boss. Ask questions of them. Take an active interest in who they are. Take time to learn something new about them. One of the problems we face today is we are all so self-absorbed and egocentric. The only person we think about is us – which is fine is you’re going to spend your entire life alone and with no friends. Remember the law of reciprocity? As much as you want someone to be interested in you, you must take an equal interest in them. Get to know the person who is sitting there inside the sheep exterior. When you’re playing on your phone, you are not listening or engaging the person across from you – it’s more than just rude. How does it make you feel if you are talking to someone and they pick up their phone mid-conversation and start scrolling through Facebook? Give others the same respect and level of interest that you want to receive.

5) Know the difference between a friend and an acquaintance. People have a hard time discerning the difference between these two and often mistake them as one in the same – they are not. I have always said, I can count the number of friend’s I have on one hand. I know a lot of people, but they are acquaintances. What’s the difference? Who can you call at 2 o’clock in the morning when you are in need of help or need to talk to someone? That’s a friend. Who shows up to your house on moving day to help? Of the ten people who said they would show up, but then became unexpectedly busy on move day, you will likely get two or three people. Those are your friends. These are the relationships you need to concentrate on nurturing. It doesn’t mean you have to ignore everyone else, but just take care of your friends, and they will take care of you. My relationships with my friends are very deep and important to me and I approach them in that way.

]]>http://robrmorris.com/2015/10/14/why-are-we-so-bad-at-relationships/feed/01213Stop Calling Yourself a Victim, You’re Not!http://robrmorris.com/2015/07/14/stop-calling-yourself-a-victim-youre-not/
http://robrmorris.com/2015/07/14/stop-calling-yourself-a-victim-youre-not/#respondTue, 14 Jul 2015 19:09:02 +0000http://rob.robrmorris.com/?p=1216Stop Calling Yourself a Victim, You’re Not!! People have a desire to be part of a larger group, something beyond just themselves alone. Part of this is our genetic makeup ...

People have a desire to be part of a larger group, something beyond just themselves alone. Part of this is our genetic makeup reinforced by thousands of years of association. Humans simply are pack animals. We don’t think of ourselves in those terms but look at our behavior. We surround ourselves by family and friends – that’s our pack. Studies by British anthropologist Robin Dunbar suggest the human pack is about one hundred fifty strong. That’s the largest number of people we each generally associate with to maintain social cohesiveness.

We are constantly looking for associations and to be part of groups. These groups help identify who we are. We tend to identify with the people within our groups because we share a common interest or common trait. This is the basis of clubs, sports fans, recreation leagues, and even criminal street gangs.

A friend of mine belongs to a victim’s group. When she told me they were having a victim’s retreat over the course of a weekend it sparked a thought in me. Part of our association within groups of like-minded people is in the furtherance of our group’s cause. Whatever the cause is, we immerse ourselves in it, and it becomes an identity that we take on. We entrench ourselves with these like-mined people, we talk about like-minded things, and it becomes who we are.

A lot of good work comes out of victim’s organizations, but we also have to see it for what it is. If we are entrenched with the victim role that means we are continuing the victim role. Our identity becomes that of a victim or the more popular recent term, “a survivor.”

These organizations can offer help to victims of events, or perhaps we can even find support for ourselves, we just need to be wise about our involvement. If you have been the victim of an event or situation you must understand that so much of your healing is your mindset. So much of your progress depends on your mindset. So if you are constantly surrounded by victims, and you see yourself as a victim, then that is not a healthy mindset for healing and growth. That is a mindset that keeps you in the lifestyle of the victim role.

We need support groups. We need mentors. We need people who have been through the same ordeals we have and understand our path. These are key figures to helping us get through our process, but we must find a balance. If being entrenched in a group slows our healing progress because the other people in the group can’t move beyond the role of the victim, then perhaps that particular group is not healthy for us.

Being a victim of some act that happened to you is an event in your life – it doesn’t have to be your entire life. You don’t have to identify with being a victim. If you have been victimized in some way, deal with the event, heal from it and move on with your life. You don’t need to categorize yourself as a victim. If you do, chances are it will become a self-fulfilling prophecy and you will stay in that lifestyle. This will affect every aspect of your life; career, family, future relationships, daily decisions and courses or action, etc.

Personally, I don’t consider myself a victim or survivor. I have never once used those terms to identify who I am. What I am is a person who has survived some pretty horrific events early in life. Here’s the psychology – being a survivor is a present tense context. We view being a survivor in the present – which means our adversities are also in the present. So if they are in the present, have we really moved beyond them? Whereas, I say that I have survived my events. Survived is a past tense word, which is where I have left my adversities – in the past.

It doesn’t change who we are and what we have gone through. What it changes is how we view ourselves – it changes our mindset. Our mindset is the key to our survival, growth and success. We are not defined by the adversities in our lives, we are defined by how we manage them. I am not a victim, nor will I ever be one.

]]>http://robrmorris.com/2015/07/14/stop-calling-yourself-a-victim-youre-not/feed/01216Stress and Your Health: 5 Ways to Live Longerhttp://robrmorris.com/2015/06/11/stress-and-your-health-5-ways-to-live-longer/
http://robrmorris.com/2015/06/11/stress-and-your-health-5-ways-to-live-longer/#respondThu, 11 Jun 2015 01:56:09 +0000http://rob.robrmorris.com/?p=1329It’s no secret we face stress every day. In fact, did you know that more than half of working adults—47% of all Americans—say they are concerned with the amount of ...

]]>It’s no secret we face stress every day. In fact, did you know that more than half of working adults—47% of all Americans—say they are concerned with the amount of stress in their lives? Also, 94% of adults believe that stress can contribute to the development of major illnesses, such as heart disease, depression, and obesity, and that some types of stress can trigger heart attacks and even sudden death. Sadly, when stress occurs, only 29% say they are doing a good job at managing or reducing it.1

Stress also has a high cost. Overall, the price tag for stress adds up to $200–300 billion a year in lost work productivity, according to the International Foundation of Employee Benefit Plans.2 As astronomical as this number is, the cost to our health is even greater: 77% of people report regularly experiencing physical symptoms caused by stress; 48% say stress has a negative impact on their personal and professional life; and 54% say stress has caused them to fight with those close to them. Stress is taking a significant toll on our society and on us individually.

Money, work, and the economy (in that order) continue to be the most frequently cited causes of stress for Americans, as they have every year for the past 5 years. As a result of this stress, Americans report irritability or anger (42%); fatigue (37%); lack of interest, motivation, or energy (35%); headaches (32%); and upset stomachs (24%) due to stress. A smaller percentage report having a change in appetite (17%) and sex drive (11%).1

Eliminating stress from our lives may be an impossible task, considering that the things we stress over the most are the things we control the least. So if we can’t eliminate stress and we can’t allow stress to take its toll on our physical and psychological well-being, what do we do? The answer: we must learn how to manage our stress better, both physically and psychologically. Learning how to respond better to the daily stresses in our lives is the key to success. We can’t always control events, but we can control how we respond to them. That’s a choice.

A rough definition of stress is “an event or a change in our environment that creates a physiological response inside of us.” But the concept of stress is extremely complex. Stress is different for each of us—it’s a subjective term. What I consider to be stressful might be nothing to you, and vice versa. Additionally, the tolerable levels of stress are different from person to person. How that stress affects us is also individually unique.

Not all stress is bad. In fact, stress can help guard us in dangerous situation, i.e., fight or flight response. In this case, stress creates additional alertness and energy in a way of protecting us. But for this discussion, we are talking about the stress that is adverse to our well-being—the stress that takes its toll on us emotionally and physically and that causes the physiological responses as described above. Even worse, there is the acute stress that can shorten our life span. The statistic above that says 94% of adults believe that stress can contribute to the development of major illnesses or disease is absolutely accurate. Science has proven that over many studies.

How do we effectively manage stress? Here are five effective ways:

1) Diet and Exercise. Take care of yourself. Stress hormones have been linked to overeating and the storage of excess body fat, leading to obesity. Exercise not only creates a healthy lifestyle, but it also combats stress on a hormonal level. Good hormones released through exercise can help combat the negative effect of stressor hormones. Healthy eating also reduces the onset of diseases such as type II diabetes and cardiovascular disease, as well as regulating hormones throughout the day. Stabilizing hormones can have an overall effect on your mood and ability to cope with the physiological responses to stress.

2) Stress Inoculation. Subject yourself to stress. According to Donald Meichenbaum, a professor at the University of Waterloo, “Stress inoculation training is based on the notion that exposing clients to milder forms of stress can bolster both coping mechanisms and the individual’s confidence in using his or her coping repertoire.” Military, law enforcement, firefighters, and elite athletes have known this for years. We work better under stress and pressure; creating deadlines and goals are a way of subjecting ourselves to controlled and manageable stress levels. When we accomplish those tasks and goals under pressure, it creates an increased belief in our own ability to accomplish tasks and reach goals. That, in turn, becomes self-fulfilling. Working under pressure is vital to learning how to better manage stress. Fighters become better fighters when they spar in a ring with another competitor under fight-like conditions.

3) Positive Internal Dialogue. Change your internal chatter. Psychologists tell us that we talk to ourselves all the time, non-stop—300 to 1,000 words per minute. Furthermore, 70% of that internal chatter tends to be negative. That means we have a constant running dialog with ourselves with a negative message. If we are constantly telling ourselves that we are stressed out and are overwhelmed, we certainly will be. Stop telling yourself how hard life is and how rough you have it—you will only believe what you say. Change that internal dialogue to positive messages. Fight against the negativity in your head to become a more positive person.

4) Create a Positive Mindset. Change your mindset, and you will change your life. People underestimate the power of their own minds. How we physically experience the world is shaped in our mind. How we interpret and process the things that happen to us is determined in our mind long before the events take place. Our successes and failures in life are created in our mind long before they ever happen to us in reality. We can’t avoid negative events simply through positive thought, but we can change how we respond to those events. If we have a conditioned negative response (like negative internal chatter), we will respond negatively. If we have a positive framework, however, we will respond much more favorably. When our mindset is geared toward negativity, we create our own negative environment and outcome. We must learn to practice a positive mindset. Creating positive thoughts is a way to create new neural networks in our brains—a new roadmap. Each time we do this, it weakens the negative network. Therefore, we are better equipped to respond to life’s stressors and events.

5) Reduce Chaos. Change the quality of your life. Chaos is a state of utter confusion or disorder; a total lack of organization. Chaotic people create chaotic environments, which we interpret as added stress. Even without a significant stressor event, people like this create artificial stress constantly. I have seen people create conflict with everyone in their lives: a spouse, an ex-spouse, an ex-spouses new spouse, parents, friends, employer, and the list goes on. How can one person be in conflict with so many people? The answer is surprisingly simple—the conflict is within that person. The external chaos we create is a mirror image of the internal chaos we feel. If your thoughts and internal being are filled with chaos, you will have a chaotic life, plain and simple. Learn to focus on what matters in life: finding happiness, love, and purpose. Let the chaos go.

Managing stress in your life is different than trying to eliminate stress in your life. In this sense, a lot of the advice out there is wrong and only sets things up for failure. Some of the things that cause the most stress (money, work, and the economy) can’t simply be eliminated—that’s not reality. The successful recipe is to learn how to manage the stress, and the majority of that takes place in the framework of your mind.

This article was published in Hopelessly Romantic Media Production’s Classic Male Magazine, June 2015. To see the entire magazine online, click here.

]]>http://robrmorris.com/2015/06/11/stress-and-your-health-5-ways-to-live-longer/feed/01329Does How We Talk to Ourselves Shape Who We Are?http://robrmorris.com/2015/03/04/does-how-we-talk-to-ourselves-shape-who-we-are/
http://robrmorris.com/2015/03/04/does-how-we-talk-to-ourselves-shape-who-we-are/#respondWed, 04 Mar 2015 01:54:45 +0000http://rob.robrmorris.com/?p=1327It is no secret that we all talk to ourselves. In fact, psychologists suggest that we talk to ourselves all the time, non-stop; 300 to 1,000 words per minute. Furthermore, ...

]]>It is no secret that we all talk to ourselves. In fact, psychologists suggest that we talk to ourselves all the time, non-stop; 300 to 1,000 words per minute. Furthermore, 70 percent of that internal chatter tends to be negative. That means we have a constant running dialog with ourselves with a negative message. So the real question in my mind is… how could it not shape who we are?

In my upcoming book, The Opposite Man, I talk a great deal about how our past experiences determine who we are in the present. In that sense, our environment has the ability to mold and shape us into who we become. But, it’s not as black and white as you may think. Just because you grow up in an abusive environment does not mean you will continue that same pattern of behavior – either continuing to be a victim as an adult or becoming an abuser who victimizes others.

The reality is, our past experiences do shape us. But it’s not so much the actual events that shape us as it is how we process those events in our mind. This is our mindset, and it controls our outcome. Whether you are a wounded soldier returning from Afghanistan, a victim of childhood abuse or a stressed out fortune 500 company CEO, your success or failure is determined in your mind. And that mindset is developed long before those events ever take place in reality.

A victim mindset will lead to a victim outcome every time. People have died from hypothermia after being accidentally locked in a freezer overnight, only to have it later discovered that the freezer wasn’t even working. These people convinced themselves they were freezing to death and they did. People have been known to die from a non-fatal gunshot wound, because they convinced themselves they were going to die.

Conversely, people have survived tremendous feats because they had a positive mindset. One night, a female police officer was followed home after her shift by a car full of would be robbers. When she got out of her car in her driveway, they attacked her and shot her several times. One of the gunshots was a “fatal injury” after piercing her heart. Furious at her attackers, she returned gunfire killing one of the suspects while the others fled injured. She lived to tell her story and made a full recovery. How is it possible she survived while the person locked in the inoperable freezer died? Mindset.

Our mindset is in large shaped by our internal dialogue with ourselves. It’s not the only factor, there are other things such as resilience and coping skills, but even those are formed and contoured by our constant internal chatter. We may not be able to control the events in our lives, but we control how we respond to them and therefore we control the outcome. This is done through our self-conditioning.

I have been on both sides of this coin. Having grown up in an environment of chaos and abuse, the power of my internal dialogue led me to put a loaded gun in my mouth in an attempt to just end it all. I couldn’t cope or deal with the events of my life and I talked myself into this easy escape. My thoughts were sad, depressed, self-loathing and scared. That event was also a pivotal moment in my life wherein I decided to change my path.

It all began with the conversation I was having with myself. I had to change that internal dialogue. No longer could I tell myself I had no reason to live or my life was horrible. I had to tell myself to take control of my life and that I could control my destiny. The conversation within me had to change from ‘I cannot be happy and successful’ to ‘I will be happy and successful.’

We have all experienced moments or period of sadness, depression or even anger. What were your thoughts in those moments? It’s likely those thoughts perpetuated that situation. A negative internal chatter makes the situation prolonged and keeps us in that moment. This slows the healing process. In fact, sometimes we never heal because our internal dialogue keeps us in a victim state indefinitely.

It’s unrealistic to suggest we will never experience sadness or depression over an event in our lives – we will. But, the sooner we can change that conversation in our head from negative to positive, the sooner we will recover from those instances and get our life back on track – moving in a positive forward.

If you are unhappy, depressed, angry or even self-loathing, it is because that is the conversation you are having with yourself. If you were in an environment where you were told negative things about yourself all day long, we would call that psychological abuse. So, why then do we tolerate that from ourselves?

Changing this internal dialogue is how we create a positive and lasting mindset. We have the ability to control the tone of that internal conversation. It certainly won’t change overnight and it takes practice, but once you can master it, you can control your mind. The sooner you can control your mind, the sooner you can control your outcome.

Having a positive mindset creates a Teflon coating over us. Even when things tend to go wrong, we have the ability to let those experiences bounce off of us more easily. If something devastating happens to us, we have the ability to process that event and recover faster. Having a positive mindset is a lifestyle and it creates a different outcome. You will notice you physically feel better and can deal with stress better on a daily basis. Opportunities will begin to present themselves to you, because you have now opened your mind to the possibilities of new outcomes.

So the question is…What have you told yourself today? Change that conversation and you will change who you are. Remember, our lives are shaped in our own minds long before we live them in the moment.

Don’t forget… to get the rest of this powerful message and strategies on creating a powerful mindset, look for my upcoming book, The Opposite Man…coming soon.

One Final Tip – psychologist suggest that the last 45 minutes before you go to sleep is the most important time of the day psychologically. You will remember this period six times more than any other period of the day. This is a great time to create that positive internal dialog and have positive self-affirmations.

]]>http://robrmorris.com/2015/03/04/does-how-we-talk-to-ourselves-shape-who-we-are/feed/01327Are You Successful?http://robrmorris.com/2014/05/22/are-you-successful/
http://robrmorris.com/2014/05/22/are-you-successful/#respondThu, 22 May 2014 19:23:23 +0000http://rob.robrmorris.com/?p=1222My Success that wasn’t….. Early in my thirties, I had truly made it. I was a rags-to-riches success case. I had created an image of success for myself—but I had ...

Early in my thirties, I had truly made it. I was a rags-to-riches success case. I had created an image of success for myself—but I had a lot to learn. I would later realize this image of success was more like a mirage. It was a façade or an illusion. Allow me to throw myself in front of the bus while I explain.

In the early 2000s, I was at the top of my game professionally. I felt good. I had successfully climbed the precinct ladder and was now very close to the top. Although I was at the top of my game, I wanted more. I began teaching at the police academy, several days a week. I worked my patrol shift from 7:00 pm to 7:00 am. I would then teach at the academy from 8:00 am to about 4:00 pm. Then it was time to grab a quick bite to eat, take an hour nap and back to work.

Frequently I would be awake for thirty-six to forty hours straight. I also began working for a firearms training company in Las Vegas. Once or sometimes twice a month I would drive to Vegas and teach for either a two-day or four-day firearms class. But it was all worth it. I was successful. I had attained my status. My wife, however, was not thrilled at all. My family often didn’t see me for days at a time.

Then, in December 2001, the housing market was thriving. I decided this would be a great vehicle to make my money work for me and grow in the long run. House values were soaring. In about a year and a half I bought six houses as rental properties, four of them in Arizona and two here in California. These were all single family homes and were in addition to the residence my wife and I owned.

Now in my early thirties, thanks to the booming housing market and my desire to be a mover and a shaker, I was a millionaire. My net worth was about $1.5 million. I drove fancy cars that I was able to pay for with cash and had just about every material thing I could ever want.

I was still a police officer for forty hours a week, but I spent all my spare time with my real estate investing business. I had grown up on welfare, food stamps, and government assistance, and now I was a millionaire. I had it all. It was official—I was a success. True to form, I held my head high and proud.

My wife would constantly complain that I was never around, always working, or flying to Arizona for real estate or something. I would get so frustrated with her over this. I was doing all of this for my family. I was providing a life for my wife and children. In the back of my mind, I thought she was being ungrateful for everything I was doing for us. I didn’t understand her position. I often thought how many other wives out there would be happy to have her life. Why couldn’t she be happy?

The reality is I was wrong and I was being a fucking idiot. I was actually setting my family to the side because they were in the way of my successful path. I wasn’t doing this on purpose. I had a plan in my mind and, in the process of implementing it, my priorities became skewed. I had a false image of what I needed to become.

False Definition of Success…

What is success? What is society’s definition of success? What have you been conditioned to believe is success? Perhaps you have been led to believe that success equals money and status. If you think about it for a moment, doesn’t one of those lead to the other in our conventional definition of success? Isn’t it true that the people with money have the status and power?

Who are we fixated on in society? Movie stars, singers, real estate tycoons, and professional athletes. They consume our newspapers, newscasts, television shows, and a host of other media outlets. What is the one thing they all have in common? Lots of money, which equals lots of status and power.

The truth is you have been conditioned to believe that money is status and status is power. To be considered successful, you have to be a mover and a shaker. From a very young age, you have been taught that you need to grow up, get a good job, get married, buy a big house, two cars, and a boat, and have 2.5 kids, a dog, and four credit cards (which you have completely maxed out).

This is the American dream, right? Like good little sheep, you and I follow along. Before you know it, we are drowning, trying to stay afloat and keep up with our suburbia neighbors. What’s our reward for this degree of success? A miserable existence. But we don’t give up. We continue turning on the next reality television show and watching in awe, wishing we could have what these people have.

One Million Dollars in Debt…

Within a couple of years of my newfound millionaire status, the housing market with its overinflated values started to upend. Soon there was speculation the housing bubble was about to burst. I did not heed the warning because there were just as many people arguing against the bubble bursting. As we all know, the house market did crash. I was caught in the middle of it all with no way out. The market fell so fast I couldn’t do anything but hold on.

All of the properties lost their value. As I’m sure many of you remember, California and Arizona were two of the states hit the hardest. I was about one million dollars in debt. I couldn’t sell the houses because the loans on the property were twice the value of the homes. I ended up surrendering all the homes to the banks in lieu of foreclosure.

In addition to losing all the houses, I had tried to float the properties for several months. I used personal credit cards, which amassed about sixty thousand dollars in credit card debt. I was forced to sell the two fancy cars I had bought with cash to stay above water. I was in so far over my head at this point that I didn’t know what to do.

I was on the verge of losing everything. On top of this, I couldn’t borrow any money to help myself because my credit had now tanked. I went from a credit score of 780 to less than 600 in a matter of a few months, all due to the foreclosures.

In the middle of all this, my wife and I were talking about divorce. Things had gotten pretty bad between her and I. We never fought, oddly enough, but our relationship had suffered for such a long time that by now we didn’t have a relationship. We coexisted in a relationship and house.

Despite this dismal predicament, I had to fight back. After the houses were gone, I negotiated down and paid off all of my credit card debt. My credit score was still sub-par, but I was debt free. My wife and I eventually divorced and started over with little more than our jobs and the furniture that we split between the two of us.

I made a lot of mistakes with respect to my investing. Banks were handing out money left and right to me because I had great credit. But I was stupid to keep taking the money. I accumulated too many houses in too short a period of time with less than desirable loan terms. In other words, I overextended myself. Before I knew it, I was in over my head and had no way out. The only thing left for me to do was crash—and crash hard.

And you know what? I wouldn’t change it for anything. I needed it to happen, and I’m glad it did. I have grown exponentially from these mistakes and losses.

What did I learn from all of this? I believe I learned the definition of success. I had created an image of what I believed success was, which was money and status. In the end, that was all a mirage. I wasn’t a success. I was an fucking idiot.

I was so preoccupied with becoming someone important that I forgot the truly important things in my life—my family. I was an absentee husband and father—not intentionally, but because I was chasing an image. In the end, we all suffered.

Happy and Content…

Fast forward to today. What does my successful life look like today? First and foremost, I am happy and content. I still have a particular focus in my life, but now it’s my two beautiful growing boys. They are my world. My time with them is more precious than anything else in my life.

When I am with them, the rest of the world gets put on hold, not the other way around. No longer do I hustle them out of the room because I’m on the telephone or on the computer. No longer do I tell them I can’t play catch because I have paperwork to do or I have to leave for business. No longer am I rushing out to door without saying goodbye because I’m trying to make it to a meeting. No longer do I look at picking my kids up from school as a hassle because it interferes with something else I think I should be doing.

In fact, the me of today can’t wait for my boys to get out of school. I enjoy helping them with their homework. I enjoy cooking dinner and sitting down as a family to eat. I enjoy tucking them into bed and kissing them goodnight, and I enjoy waking up the next morning and starting all over again.

I have completely reversed my priorities. My boys are now number one, and, as a result, my relationship with them has improved exponentially. Even being divorced and sharing custody with my ex-wife, I have a closer bond and relationship with them today than I did when they were available to me every day.

I took advantage of that availability and often pushed them away when they were interfering. I am so thankful that my crash came early in their lives and I didn’t miss them growing up. I feel guilty for the time I did miss, but never again will anything stand in the way of our being together.

I love my job as a police officer, but that is exactly what it is—it’s my job. It’s what I do for ten hours out of the day. It no longer consumes my life or my thoughts. When I am at work, I give my best effort, but when I leave, I leave it all behind. As for climbing the status ladder, I’m over it. I am perfectly content where I am. I no longer need that kind of feedback to make me feel better about myself. My ego is content.

So how do I spend my time? I teach infrequently and only when I feel like it. I love teaching, which is why I stay involved, but I will not allow it to consume me or my time. I’m still actively involved in my Brazilian Jiu Jitsu training because it is a great outlet for me. Additionally, I’m teaching myself how to play the guitar. I have always admired people who can play well, and one of these days that will hopefully be me.

There has been such a huge paradigm shift in my life. It’s so difficult to explain the depth of this shift. But I will tell you this. It’s huge. I am a completely different person today. I have created true happiness for myself, and I am content in my life. My boys are my new priority. It is my job to help them grow into well-adjusted, productive, and content adults. It’s my goal to help them become good people. If I can accomplish that, then I have attained success.

That, my friends, is my new definition of success. It’s not always about us. It’s about creating value for others. The greatest miracle of all is our ability to bring another human being into this world. The greatest tragedy is our failure to create a loving, nurturing, healthy, and safe environment for those innocent lives. Even more catastrophic is putting those lives on a path set up for failure.

What have I learned about success through my trial and error? Success is not what you own or drive. Success is not your professional position or rank on the corporate ladder. Success is not your bank balance or your net worth.

In fact, success has nothing to do with what you have on the outside. Success is what you are on the inside. Success is being happy and content. Success is being a good person and role model to those around you. Success is being a great parent if you have children. Success is developing children who are well-adjusted, who are happy, and who are content with themselves. Success is helping others or helping others find their happiness. Most of all, success is living a life that is fulfilling to you.

So, what fulfills you? Is it traveling the world or is it skipping a day of work and taking your children to play in the snow? Is it walking on the beach or reading a good novel? The possibilities are endless and only limited by our lack of imagination. I submit this to you: If you can live your life in a manner that leaves you happy, content, and fulfilled, then you have attained success. The relationships all around you will improve.

During my millionaire days, I was considered a success by the people around me and in my own mind. Yet, it was during this time that I was always stressed out, always tired, and, as a result, always frustrated with the people around me. I treated my wife and children horribly. I wasn’t physically bad to them, but I was emotionally bad to them. I wasn’t a good husband or father because my mind wasn’t with them. I was too preoccupied with my net worth. I was becoming an absentee husband and father.

In many ways, I was treating my children the way my father had treated me—like a burden. This was not apparent to me at the time, but I gained perspective after my crash. I had vowed I would never treat my family the way I had been treated, yet I was doing that very thing. The thought of this makes me sick to my stomach. I’m so glad I crashed and reevaluated my life. I am most thankful that this happened early in my boys’ lives.