Five Sexy Moves to Kill The Mood

I recently got married, which means life from here on out will be one of pure bliss, rainbows, and perfectly timed musical soundtracks. If our engagement—with its family drama, existential meltdowns, and U.N.-style conflict resolution— is any indication, then it’s all blue skies ahead.

Five Sexy Moves To Try Tonight:

#1: Wait until both of you are beneath the sheets—a mess of skin and anticipation—and place your frozen-as-a-dead-fish feet on the innermost area of his thigh.

You’ll know it’s working if… He responds with a high-pitched yelp. You’re on the right track.

#2: Spice it up with a little role play—all you need is a costume. My favorite? A threadbare cotton dress I bought in 2007 that is now so stretched and stained that you can’t identify its original color. I like to pull that one out and wear it around the house just to let him know I’m in the mood.

You’ll know it’s working if… His eyes take on a tinge of disappointment as he turns back to face the TV. If you want to spice things up even further, why not visit London escorts as a couple!

#3: Fill your mind with the dark and dirty—all you need is Netflix or HBOGo. My favorite choices are “Game of Thrones” and “Fringe” so that right before we engage in foreplay we can have the mental image of crushed faces, maggot-infested limbs, and incestuous royalty.

You’ll know it’s working if… The set of his jaw his somewhere between “dry heave” and “facepalm.”

#4: Take your pillow talk to a new level—by asking him to explain exactly what he meant when he made that offhand remark 6 hours earlier. He may have thought he was just filling the silence with an arbitrary “Oh I see,” but he probably had some deeper meaning that you can uncover by relentlessly badgering him into confession.

You’ll know it’s working if… He begins to desperately compliment you and/or bring up a distraction he knows you’ll go off on a ranty tangent about.

Tip #5: Keep the mystery alive—by refusing to allow him to see your body. Sex with the lights off can be taken to new levels known as “undressing with the lights off” and “galloping to the bathroom with a pillow covering your arse” and “refusing to take your shirt off until he removes his contacts.”

You’ll know it’s working if… He becomes positively titillated by the sight of a clavicle or partially shaved knee.

If that doesn’t satisfy your lust, you can look forward to the following upcoming articles:

“10 Ways to Incorporate Goat Sounds into Foreplay”

“How to Fall Out of Bed at Crucial Moment”

“The Ultimate Guide to Killing the Mood”

“How to Recreate the 50-Shades-of-Grey-Tampon-Scene”

Pardon me while I draw myself a bath. It’s hard work being this lascivious.

I’m not married (YET. UGH), but having lived with Brian for the last several years, I have this exciting thing for you to look forward to: rest assured, eventually, you won’t have to put your cold feet on his warm inner thigh…because he’ll DO IT FOR YOU because your feet are cold…and he doesn’t want to be surprised by freezing feet ANYMORE. It’s a beautiful place to be in a relationship.

After being married, twice, for a bunch of years I have no advice. None. Zip. Nada. We all have to make our own mistakes. Plus, no one listens to me anyway, especially the husband. After about the 2nd year, they stop listening. Maybe sooner.

Oh but I will listen to you, Jackie! You’re my pretend Aunt, I have no choice 😉 And Alex already tunes me out sometimes. That’s when I slip in this line: “… and then I cut a baby seal in half.” Then I wait for him to agree. So I can accuse him.

This is so true. I specifically waited to start my blog until AFTER I got hitched. I was afraid that if I did it before, my husband’s side of the fam would read it and think OMG THIS IS WHAT HE’S GETTING HIMSELF INTO?! ABORT ABORT!
But now they’re all stuck with me as a weird branch of the family tree, and must accept my ridiculous stories that sometimes involve their precious boy screwing his wife.

I love it. You inspire me. I feel the same way about not starting the blog until I had Alex in my life. Now it’s like he’s part of it… he was there when I conceived of it… he’s partially responsible. There’s no going back now.

Ha! Love it. My favorite advice: Refuse to admit that you poop or fart, ever. Of course in my marriage this only worked for like a few months because then HE got comfortable enough to fart in front of me and I had to defend myself SOMEhow…

Ha! I had no problem wandering around the house naked when my ex and I were alone. To me it was just natural – she, on the other hand wouldn’t walk around naked if her life depended on it and she was a fine looking woman. I’m sure she’d have always had sex with her clothes on if that had been possible – which actually is possible and can be fun too in settings not the bedroom – like in public places when no one is watching – but is not conducive to full access. I guess if i had to write a sex article it wouldn’t be so much about the positions or actions – although I know a few that are very effective – but rather about sex in non-traditional venues, places other than the bed or home.

Sure, sweetheart, you can blog to your heart’s content about sex.
From what I’ve read so far you’re starting to already sound like you’ve been married almost forty years.
My wife and I have settled naturally into a strict regiment of oral sex:
we talk about doing it then fall asleep in our recliners.

I don’t know Aussa. I think #3 practicing your ninja skills by scaring him every half hour sound like a lot of fun! Are you familiar with any of the Pink Panther movies? His assistant Cato used to hide and attack him. One scene Inspector Clouseau was looking for the ambush, and finally decided it wasn’t going to happen, went to the fridge and out jumps Cato, all frosty and blueish! Don’t try that one mkay?

Oh my gosh, you know– I brought karma on myself. When I came out of the bathroom earlier, Alex was crouched behind the closet door and reached out to grab my ankle. I’m pretty sure the ears of all my neighbors are still ringing.

oh WOW- some people I know were just referencing that the other day, in reference to trauma triggers. They talked about that exactly, to help define a concept of “ninja triggers”– something that you don’t think will bother you, but somewhere, out of nowhere, BAM!

I’m sorry, Aussa – I know that you and Alex “do it” and all, but the thought of you being one of these R or X-rated sex bloggers just makes me laugh and laugh.

It’s a little like this: I once got a call from the husband of a patient who had just delivered her baby, asking when he could have sex with her again. He stated, “She is telling me I have to wait SIX weeks – that HAS to be a lie!” I told him that, yes — they should abstain from intercourse until after she had been cleared by the doctor at her six-week postpartum checkup. The husband started arguing with me, telling me that was just a made up amount of time created by women who did not want to have sex with their husbands. I started getting offended on his wife’s behalf (and pissed off that he was being such a dick) and so my responses started to get a little heated. Then the “husband” started laughing – turns out it was one of the clinic doctor’s playing a practical joke on me. This particular doctor is ALWAYS playing practical jokes – but he is SO GOOD at it, that I never know for sure if he is being serious or not. So, even when he is serious, I usually respond by laughing – thinking he is just trying to pull one over on me.

So, if you started blogging about “throbbing” whatevers, “quivering” whosits, and “thrusting” anything – I would be snorting in amusement, thinking you were just telling another one of your funny stories. So, I’m sorry dear, but you will probably never make it as a dirty, dirty sex blogger – but it’s your own fault for being so damn funny all the time! I mean, you’re winning awards for it and everything now! You’ve made your bed…. Hmmmm, that’s probably not a good cliché to use when we’re talking about sex and all.

Oh my gosh, what a practical joke! I would kill/die if someone did that at work. I’ve had people call and pretend to be suicidal (so inappropriate) but they too usually start laughing (SO INAPPROPRIATE) so I figure it out.

And okay… if you say so. I guess Alex is probably on your side too… doesn’t need his quivering man parts throbbing with OMG I HAVE TO STOP.

Absolutely zero things changed after we got married. I am still waiting for the supposed everything changing moment. It’s been 3 1/2 years. I wold be great at writing an article called “How to talk yourselves into it when neither of you are in the mood but one of you is ovulating”. Oh and Mr O and I are probably a little too comfortable with being nude, both of us… all the time. He likes to burst into a room unexpectedly and then enthusiastically wiggle his goods a me before running off giggling.

Okay that is reassuring– I like hearing that. I get a little tired of people telling me that now our sex life will fizzle out into nothingness. And that is hilarious– I would totally read that article. For waaay future use 😉

Hmm sex advice…I will give you a heads up that at about 40 the male sex drive takes a drop. We are surviving it by communicating and taking advantage of the moments it does peak. Don’t panic if it tapers off now and then and fully blow his mind when it does happen. 😀 I still flirt with him when we are grocery shopping, don’t fall into a blah routine.

That’s cute about the flirting. I never want that to go away. And interesting about the sex drive thing at 40– I will keep that in mind! I still plan to start lacing his food with maca powder to see if it turns him into a sex beast. Though that sounds a little tiring.

Haha, I know it was the least sex-related one, but number 4 about the offhand remark really made me laugh, it’s absolutely true. I’m so guilty of that. “Why did you say ‘no I’m fine’ yesterday when I asked you if you wanted a sandwich? What did that mean? Why didn’t you just say ‘No thank you’? That’s what you would usually say if you didn’t want a sandwich. It’s obvious now that you’ve totally gone off me and are planning to run off with that Norwegian donkey impersonator with the wooden leg!”

I’d have to say the only thing that changed in my life after I got married was finally trying to make a baby. In fact, we succeeded during our honeymoon trip (3 months after the wedding), but unfortunately it didn’t stick. The hard part after that was living with the desperation of being 38 and wanting nothing more than having a baby, after having lost one. It’s not a good place to be. Thankfully after several months of trying with no luck, we finally got lucky. As for our sex life after baby… what sex life? I’m sure other people have them, just not so much for me. I have high hopes for you and Alex though, that is, if you bring a baby into the mix at some point.

That is such a difficult place to be. I’ve watched several friends and family members go through a similar place… its hard to know how that feels until you go through it. I’m so glad you have your son now 🙂 And “what sex life?” HAHAHA don’t scare me like that 😉

I have one to add to the list – at some point as things are hotting up you murmur ‘I wonder if your Mum and Dad do that’. How will you know if it is working ….. he’ll be curled up in a fetal ball on the edge of the mattress ….

Another great one: Right as things get hot and heavy, stop everything, look him dead in the eye and say “Did you remember to buy toilet paper?” How you’ll know it’s working: He’ll slowly withdraw from you and just say “Good night, dear.”

These days, sex is all the rage, and whether married or unmarried, people blab about it everywhere possible. I find it a personal subject between me and the hubs, but I’ll go ahead and step a bit out of my comfort zone. At risk of TMI, I’ll answer the question about letting him see me naked. Yes, but with a caveat … only during sex. I don’t walk around naked in front of him before (or after) a shower, or let him see me getting dressed or undressed. This way, he can look forward to seeing it when … well, you know. 😛

I have tried the cold as a dead fish foot on the inner thigh, and he’s responding nicely. I also recommend recording things he says in his sleep and/or the sounds of his snoring and starting a blog series about them. Falling asleep with a potato chip bag as your blanket is also attractive and advised.

Hey congrats on the wedding! I really should drop in more often 🙂 Yes, more sex posts, please. I actually have a friend my age who says her boyfriend has NEVER seen her naked. They’ve lived together for 2 years! I can’t imagine that.

And speaking of changes after I got married? Hmmm, I believe after I got married, I pretty much lost any interest in marriage itself within a few years. Let’s say #2 on your list of Super Sexy Moves is completely out! We’re still married 17 years later. Thankfully, I can immerse myself in work…

I promise to read your blog more often. I get such a high when I’m done 🙂

Hey!!!!! Long time no Hi! Good to see you around these here parts 🙂 And I have a friend like that too– she dated her guy and lived with him for years and said he’d never seen her naked. And she was super bangin’. I don’t get it! Though I do still try and stand at the most flattering angle possible…. for now.

People with bodies that society finds so appealing can still be horridly self-conscious. And then people with body shapes that are not favored by society– can still manage to not be conscious or embarrassed about them at all.

Note my other comment: I wish I had been less self-conscious about sex when I had a body I found more ideal! But, I’ve looked in the mirror whilst in the act and, well, I’m not bothered because, I’m with my soulmate, things feel good, and I’m okay with it. Even with chronic pain that puts a horrible damper on things a lot. (She’s been super accomodating– all the more reason why I feel blessed.)

Your number 2 is my favorite. I used to greet my last BF at the door in all sorts of hot, hot numbers, and prepare for “sleep” in sexy li’l next-to-nothings. But the more often he came over, the more likely it was I’d slap on my grungy sleep-T and the UNsexy nighttime undies.

I saw a variation of Sexy Move #1 somewhere on the Internet– I think in the pulp gossip/random/mucho ads section:

“We put up with this…” (photo of a guy doing a reacharound grope down a girl’s shirt)
“…so we can do this later” (illustration of a girl putting her cold feet on a guy’s back, in bed)

As to your prompt questions:
I am less self-conscious about sex, now, than when Cimmorene and I were first married. Ironic, since we’re *cough* way fatter now. That’s the funny part- the unfunny part is the unraveling all the mixed messages about sex growing up. Back to funny– we have tried not to pass on this dysfunction to our children. Princess is 13 (as of the 16th) and she knows two things now:

1. what we mean when we say “we want to play pirates” and then ask her to watch her little brother during that time
2. She has gotten into trouble for borrowing Cimmy’s Magic Wand, and not returning it. (Why yes, she is using it for the same reason. Oh, the scandal! But we choose to be cool about it)

Yes, Princess understands (reasonably age-appropriately for these modern times) what the deal is. And I’m glad, because I think it’s much better for her than it was for me when I was her age. At her age, I was getting shamed.

Oh the weirdness of sex. Yes– I haven’t even properly gone back to think about all the weird messages I received when growing up. Every so often when I think about the book people tell me to write (about my family/father) I start dreaming things up and am like OH MY GAH as I remember. So crazy.

I got to revisit some of them Tuesday late afternoon with my therapist. Fun times. But aside from that sarcasm, she’s a good placement, after 30 years of mostly crap, anyways. And, since she does affirmation statements, I had some new material for the Journal Jar blog.

I tried #2 once but it backfired. In retrospect, there’s a fine line between a “costume” and a “uniform” and I think the golden arches logo on my shirt tipped me too far in the wrong direction. That, and the fact that I asked her “Do you want fries with that?” after entering her. Whoopsie!

[…] to pounce, so I did what I always do in such situations: I fell dead weight onto the bed, knowing my ninja skills are much more effective in a horizontal situation. He followed suit, using me as his landing pad, […]