Sex After Fighting

My boyfriend and I fight like cats and dogs all the time—and then we have mattress-burning sex. I can’t help but feel like we’ve sort of “trained” ourselves to fight so that we can have a better love life. It’s like the only way we reach sexual heaven is to fight like hell. There’s gotta be a better way!

— Fight-Fatigued

Hey Woody!

My boyfriend and I fight like cats and dogs all the time—and then we have mattress-burning sex. I can’t help but feel like we’ve sort of “trained” ourselves to fight so that we can have a better love life. It’s like the only way we reach sexual heaven is to fight like hell. There’s gotta be a better way!

— Fight-Fatigued

Dear Fight-Fatigued,

The reason after-fight sex is so great is because yelling and screaming gets your blood pumping, the adrenaline rushing and the dopamine firing—all key ingredients to great sex. Some couples unconsciously use fighting as a form of foreplay. Pick a fight and the bed creaks louder. The problem is that over time, this fight-before-we-f*ck mentality destroys the intimate bond between people. To break the cycle you’ve got to A) make a commitment not to have sex within 48 hours after a fight and B) Replace the rush without the stress. One way is to develop a risk-taking mentality that raises your blood pressure. Engage in some playful exhibitionism. Try to put your hands down his pants in public without other people knowing. Fondle his crotch with your feet at a stuffy dinner. Another way: Role-play and trade fantasies that give you the high without the hell.

Hey Woody,

I’m in a kind of circular bind here. My boyfriend tries to “arouse” me by feeling me up—touching and stroking me. But I’m like, I don’t want to be felt up until I’m aroused. So he’s in a Catch-22: There’s no point in touching me until I’m aroused, but I’m not aroused until he touches me. I love my boyfriend and I really do see his point. I just don’t see a way out. Help!

– Wanting, but not Willing

Dear Wanting,

Okay, we’re getting into chick territory here but yours is actually a common problem in long-term gay male couples. Some guys with perfectly normal libidos (like you) get turned off when they think their partner is only having sex at the physical/biological level. In your subconscious mind, nothing is going to get pumped until the emotional well gets pumped. I suspect if he touched you more non-genitally, in and out of bed, and if he cultivated a sense of erotic connection your thighs would be more willing to separate. “Gay chicks” like you want the emphasis on intimacy. That’s why no matter how good your boyfriend may be in bed he won’t be able to consistently arouse you. Technique is not nearly as effective in creating intense sexual excitement as “erotic intimacy.” If you felt more emotionally connected to your boyfriend he wouldn’t even need to touch you to get you aroused.

Good sex requires more than hitting the right hot spots. Example: both the anus and perineum are loaded with nerve endings. Stimulation of these areas is powerfully erotic for some men and powerfully repulsive to others. Now, how can two people with the same number of nerve endings have such wildly different reactions? It’s the meaning they assign to those areas. Some guys think anal play is “dirty,” while others think it’s hot. My point: When it comes to sex, the mind matters more than the body.

Second example: Masters and Johnson proved long ago that self-stimulated orgasms are stronger than partner-stimulated orgasms. Now, if the strongest orgasms result from masturbation, why is it that most people prefer sex with another person? Because there’s more to sexual fulfillment than physiologically intense orgasms.

Bottom line: You guys need to build more trust, engage each other more fully and connect to each other more emotionally. Chick stuff, I know, but it works.

I read your answer to “smelly” (how to tell your new boyfriend his crotch smells like a grease-encrusted vomit bucket). Loved your answer but wanted to add a different dimension to the problem. I’m one of those guys who smell down there because I sweat so much. It’s very embarrassing. It doesn’t take much to soak my shirt. I could be in a mildly warm bar and sweat like I’m a whore in church. Any advice for people like me?