9 reasons to be glad you’re not at Glastonbury this year

Many moons ago going to Glastonbury Festival was considered the social pinnacle of your young life – the lucky few attendees within your peer group were the cool ones, the ones who were allowed, the ones prepared to go the extra mile (sometimes many miles) in order to have ‘an experience’.

I was lucky enough to go many times in my youth and many experiences were indeed had.

As you grew and were able to do whatever the hell you wanted with your time and money, going down to Pilton every year was still up there, still the epitome of what was right and good within your world. Whatever your bag Glasto had it going on. And judging by it’s enduring popularity it still does.

Every year the mad scramble for tickets reminds me that yes, Glastonbury is where it’s at, and the possiblity of attending once more floats across my mind…and then right out of the other side because I just need to remind myself why I am never going to Glastonbury ever again…

1. The nakedness

Too much nakedness (Picture: Rex)

We used to joke that you’d not really arrived at the festival properly until you’d spotted a naked person. And usually about fifteen minutes in you’d be presented with a bare body – sometimes streaking and flapping across a field, sometimes bending over in front of you in the open air shower or sometimes serving you something to eat. Enough already.

2. Forgetting stuff

Yep, good luck finding anything when you want it (Picture: PA)

Remember that little caravan serving real cornflakes in a real bowl with real, fresh, cold milk that saved your life yesterday morning? Where was it again? I’m sure it’s down here? No, it’s miles back there? Are you sure it really existed? I could cry so hard I need those cornflakes but I can’t even remember what day it is.

3. Time wasted on missing mates

But I thought this was the meeting spot? (Picture: PA)

You’re desperate to hook up with some mates you agreed to meet in the third field down from the left and spend half a day tramping about and shouting out their names and leaving little notes stuck to meeting spots with your number written on it.

There’s no point, there’s no phone signal, you’ll never meet those mates. That bloke you hated from sixth form with the annoying girlfriend though? You’ve bumped into him three times already. He’s having a great time.

4. Missing everything

Probably missed this (Picture: AP)

It’s a big site, massive in fact, and stuffed with 175,000 people meaning you don’t get anywhere very fast. So thinking ‘we’ll take in half an hour of one massive headline act and then hurry to get down the front for the last half of the other massive headline act on at the same time’ is sadly not going to happen.

You’ll be hearing that fabulous encore as you’re stuck trying to get over a tiny plank bridge between one field and another, sorry – they were amazing though, you really should have made one decision.

5. Losing yourself

NOT. FUN. (Picture: PA)

And not just on the way back from the toilets. Unhooked by your surroundings and the risque behaviour of others far more used to such things (and I quote something overheard ‘no, I can’t do acid again today because I’m pregnant’) let’s just say you decide to try a few new things out… this might not be the best place to do it if you’re in any way worried about large spaces, overcrowding or the terrifying vision of everyone in the field all turning around at the same time and pointing at you. Or was that just me?

6. Finding yourself

Friends for life, yeah? (Picture: PA)

Hooking up with random people you’ve never met before might not happen in the real world, but these great guys have just passed you a can of something warm and fizzy because you’re all enjoying the didgeridoos jamming in the Green Fields and now they’re your best friends. You spend all night carving candles and talking about the most amazing things and suddenly everything makes sense with the world for the first time. You’re going to go travelling with them next year for sure. The sun comes up and life is good until someone comes out of their tent and asks ‘who were those losers you were up with all night talking b*llocks?’

7. Not so glorious mud

No thanks (Picture: PA)

Yes, all part of the fun but if you go during a particularly vintage year for rainfall then be prepared. If you’ve only turned up with some flip flops and a T-shirt then you’ll either have to fork out for some really expensive wellies while you’re there or go feral. Which means naked, which means filthy, which means you’ll be ill by this time next week. A rumour goes round that the bloke who made the front pages of every newspaper with only his eyes showing through his mud covering has actually been buried on site since last year.

8. The toilets

Worse than you can even imagine (Picture: PA)

Every bit as bad as they say. By day three you’re picking out the different colours, wondering who could have recklessly used so much loo roll in one go and feel bad for whoever dropped their mobile. Someone always falls in every year – or so you’ve heard and think a lot about as you hover unsteadily over a mound of waste that is far taller than your best crouched position. You’re prepared to wee outside and cut down on solids so you can forgo a number two for as long as possible, giving you trouble downstairs for weeks after.

9. No downtime

I just want to be quiet! (Picture: PA)

If you want to be on it all the time then great, but if you want to take a moment, have a breather, get some sleep or be alone then no, this is not going to work. Even on the outer fringes (where the activity gets slightly more ‘out there’) you’ll still find someone in the Drawing Tent or under that private bush, and yes usually naked. Even your tent isn’t a haven, it’s a hot, sweaty pit that smells of tarpaulin that a ‘friend’ has crashed in and no amount of scented wipes will freshen you up or clear your mind.

Drink more and pass out is the only answer.

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