To say that just under 6 weeks ago I had a life changing experience would be an exageration, but not a huge one. While cycling to work a van door opened in front of me and my left (dominant) hand decided to punch the door frame catching the rim between my pinky and ring finger. It turns out that metal beats flesh as assuredly as paper beats rock (somehow). So I toppled off the bike I was renting and thankfully ended up with only a broken hand and a bloody knee. Now I know everyone wants to see a picture of my bloody knee, but it slipped my mind. So instead you’ll have to settle for this picture the doctors took of my hand (weirdos!):

Needless to say the bone is freaky looking… and also broken. So I got put in a cast, with my ring and pinky finger tied together, and set loose, told that in 4 to 6 weeks I should be fine.

It’s now 5 weeks 4 days and about 7 hours and 11 minutes (at time of typing) after the accident. My hand is still in a half cast, the third one since the accident after I lost circulation in several fingers and some of my hand a week and a half into the first and had to get it swapped out. I didn’t realise how much of a nuisance not having a hand would be. When I was younger I dislocated my thumb on that hand (I mean I say I but I wasn’t the person that went to kick a football and hit my hand instead). But being younger it didn’t impact me as much. I feel mostly useless these days. I can barely cook, can’t wash dishes, need help cleaning myself, can’t play the piano (nothing new there though) and can’t wear long sleeves.

To be honest were it not for the help of those around my I’d be in a much worse state than I am now. But beyond not being able for stuff my biggest worry is that I’ll be like this longer. I’m dreading going to the doctors on Thursday and being told I’ll be longer in a cast or worse yet, something went wrong and I need surgery (not likely, but still a fear). I have to be so damn careful all the time right now and I’m worried I’ll move my hand wrong and there goes all the mending. Last night I was eating ice-cream, using the spoon in my left hand too keep from holdin the wet tub, when I pushed to hard and felt something crack, I don’t know what it was and it didn’t hurt so it ain’t likely serious… but I fear.

I’m looking forward to the road to recovery, which will still take some months once I’m out of the cast, but that at least is a challenge I can tackle, as it is I’m just waiting and hoping that I won’t end up in a cast longer. Doctors were hopeful last time I was at the hospital, the bone wasn’t mending but it was aligning. Either way in a few more days and hours I’ll know what’s what and until then I’ll try not to worry… I’ll try really hard.

Ok, so straight up I’m not getting married any time soon, no congratulations are in order. However a few of my friends have in the last while gotten married or are going to be married soon. This has funnily enough raised the question for me. “What would me wedding be like?”. Now most of this is hypothetical and if I ever get married will probably change cause lets face it I’d be in a relationship and so her input would be important. Or it’ll be that she has plans and my input will be important, or however it’ll work out. But either way here it goes. “My ‘ideal’ wedding”

First thing I thought was that it couldn’t be a church ceremony, nor would it be religious in any way. But it can’t just be a simple civil ceremony that’s actually kinda boring. So it would have to be something that is fun. Something that all of my friends could on some level enjoy. So straight up it’s a party of some sort, probably one with games, music and food. Sounds more or less like a normal wedding party, except with the addition of games. Oh, oh, oh, a wedding ceremony where we are all dresses in medieval style clothes. Wait why stop there? Gamer style it. So something along the lines of a Sword-LARP. Or maybe even Steampunk or Startr…. nah probably Steampunk, though I can decide that at a latter date. So what’s next, location is important, also kinda easy. It’ll have to be outside and near some sort of castle like thing, so somewhere like Donadea Forest Park. Though I’d only be able to do that if I was rich. Still somewhere like that would be awesome. Throw in bouncy castles, archery ranges (with fake arrows… obviously) and alcohol then you have one heck of a party.

…. and now to debate with myself for a long time as to whether or not I should ever publish this.

Edit: 4 Years later… I have a Girlfriend, plans will almost certainly be different but hell let’s post it anyway

Last night I went to bed feeling isolated, alone and like I didn’t want to sleep.I stayed up till 03:30 knowing I had to be up for 06:00 to get to work. I don’t even think that I felt alone and isolated, but those ate the only words that come close to how I felt. I didn’t want to sleep because I didn’t see a reason to. I didn’t see a reason not to either. I mean yeah I had work in the morning and yeah I was tired, but I’d survive. I knew I would, I’ve done worse. So I stayed up, played a video game into the late hours, had shite tv playing in the background. I did this until I got too tired and bored. This was something I hadn’t done in years.

I didn’t recognise myself. I’d have done this every day of every week when I was in school, when I was far less capable of dealing with my depression and everything else. So yeah warning bells were ringing, though not so loud as to wake the neighbours.

I pondered it for a while occasionally returning to a game as I did so. I figured that Belle, my girlfriend, being out of town was probably the cause, but I have had nights without her before and been fine. So it was a contributing cause most likely. But after a while I realised it. I didn’t want to sleep cause that meant waking up, something I’m pretty sure 15 year old me would have known in an instant. Sleeping would mean waking up to go to work and while I don’t mind work, I wasn’t done with my own time. I wanted to stay up out of sheer stubbornness. I even realised that I’d felt this way before with Belle around. But in the end wanting to curl up and with her meant that I never stayed up too late and waking up next to her is better than waking up on my own.

I solved the case, washed some dishes and curled into bed with my kitten. The same kitten that purrs very loudly and likes to attack appendages in the night. It was a very broken 2.5 hours of sleep. I didn’t even get to sleep on the bus to work, it was running late and I was afraid of missing my stop, something I didn’t have to worry about at school. So I stayed awake and ran into the office in time.

As the day trundled on I performed quite well, I needed extra sugar sure, but I didn’t have issues doing my work. During done quiet periods my mind inevitably began to wander. I thought of a much younger me, the emotional explosive wreck that I was as a pre-teen. One particular incident with basketball stuck out (yeah I played basketball… I was cool). I either did or didn’t make a shot in a game of D.O.N.K.E.Y and the other players didn’t believe I did, so I fumed. To be honest I even remember the incident in third person. Like it want even me. But I know it was even if I don’t recognise me.

I got out of work early (woo split shift) and decided to write about it on an old unused blog, written by another me that I barely recognise. Though it’s the me I expect to be, worried, sleepy, naive and confused at being an adult. I don’t know when the change happened, when I stopped being the person that wrote the first post on this blog and started being the person I am today.

There is an old saying that “people never change”. But I know that isn’t true. It’s why I think of my childhood in third person, why I don’t understand what I knew intuitively as a teenager. Why ever time I look in a mirror I’m startled to see a man reason, I instead of the young, naive, lost post-teen or four years prior.

Or maybe I haven’t changed, maybe I’m the same as I’ve always been, just expressed differently.

I have a funny feeling that this post is going to attract more flame than a florescent light does bugs, but I’m posting it anyway cause I feel I need to speak about it. I’ve seen this topic come up at least once a day in my news feed on Facebook for the last two months. Reading each one probably took about 10 minutes of my time due to the comments and stuff. That’s 480 minutes all told. Almost 8 mayflies died while I was reading these posts. Why doesn’t anyone think of the mayflies!?!.

Now to set the record straight I don’t mind the posts themselves on a one-for-one basis and most of them raise fairly valid points. Oh, we are of course talking about sexism towards women for this part of the program, in case you hadn’t guess, don’t worry we’ll get to sexism about guys later (trust me, it exists). Now these posts do vary wildly as to how effective they are at raising their point. One was this video HERE. Now maybe I’m the only one, but I thought the concept was good, the execution was bad. It asks if you feel uncomfortable watching the edits and I can honestly say “Yes, no more than I would have otherwise”. If you haven’t watched the video and are lost: Shame on you, go watch the video… I can wait… I’ve got the time…

….

Ok basically it’s a role reversal thing. Now I haven’t seen any of those movies, oh wait I saw Titanic and Twilight, so I didn’t have all the context to go by. Honestly, I felt uncomfortable with both scenarios. So at the end when it asks me if I felt uncomfortable and why (having assumed everyone that watches it will) I honestly lost the respect I had gained for the video. In my mind it pointed out that it was the same no matter who played the role. That it still made the story as compelling or creepy or weird no matter who was doing what.

So here is where my problem begins. All of these posts, articles, videos and Lord Ogma (Celtic god of Knowledge… I’m fed up of using lord) knows what else are getting very repetitive. I stopped following one person because ever day had a feminism post from her. Don’t get me wrong, if you are a feminist more power to you (if that is what you want). I’m all for equality, I’ve said so before, but Facebook is not the place to be shouting for it. The only people who will really see it are your friends and they probably already feel a similar way. What you can do though is negatively impact your cause.

I came across a post a while back which started well and good, it was a news article about female engineers or something. I don’t really remember and it’s not important. I thought the article was pretty decent. But what came after was hurtful. Another friend of the poster starter to weigh in and very quickly the post devolved into comment of how all men are assholes and jerks. I quickly hide the post from my feed as I couldn’t deal with the obvious flaw… I hope you see it. Okay if you don’t here it is: They were being sexist.

This is the ultimate flaw when it comes to dealing with sexism. Yes, women have gotten the short end of the stick for a long time in “most” cultures around the world. I would be hard pressed to argue otherwise (Not that I can’t, it’s just a really hard debate…oh God Danu so much flame). But it tends to come out swinging way too strongly and flipping the table completely.

When I open a door I tend to hold it open for the people following me, whether I know them or not. The only reaction I ever get from guys is a brief “Thanks”. With women I never know what’s going to happen, but I know it’ll be one of two things: “Thank you” or “Do you think I can’t do it myself?”. It’s extremely rare that I get the second remark from my friends, but I have gotten it from strangers. Now I’m not big, strong or in anyway intimidating, yet still because I’m a guy they think I think they are weak. I can honestly say that most of my female friends probably have my number in a fight.

Now I’m drawing on most of this from personal experience, the next part in particular. But there are some things that women can do that men just can’t (aside from make babies). I find that as a man I can’t get away with complimenting women properly on their choice of clothing. All men are allowed to say is “You look very nice today”. Cause if I say “I love the ensemble you’ve constructed to wear to day. The choice really compliments your skin tone and I love how you matched your top with the colour of your eyes and your shoes are just so cute I could die” I get really weird looks and called gay.

Why can’t I go and get a manicure, watch chick flicks and cry when Bambi’s mother dies? I don’t do any of those things… okay the odd chick flick here and there. It’s the same reason a girl can’t show an intense interest in engineering without being called a lesbian. There is a preconception that we must stick to or we are weird and wrong. I hate this preconception, I hate almost every preconception. We are all people, we are all different, just let us all live and let live.

The internet and I (grammar!) have a strange relationship. Not the kind where we tie each other up, that’s a whole different kettle of fish. It’s one with a lot of ups and downs most of which I won’t go into in detail. Though some I will (otherwise this will be a very short post).

As many of you know I’m a gamer. As such the internet has provided me with a way to get my Game on at any time from almost any location. However the ability to have games constantly update had ruined the games themselves. A lot of games have lately been released half finished and buggy to all hell to be fixed/finished 4 months later. Uncool.

The big one that has been odd lately however is to do with newer friends/acquaintances. I have a semi busy week, with little free time to socialize. However the internet, ever helpful, has the answer for that. New acquaintances can talk to me via message systems.YAAY!!!
Though not really. I have this weird problem with webchats and texts and the like. I don’t actually mentally connect them to the other person. I don’t know why I just don’t. This does two things, when talking to someone (via internet) I tend to relax more and actually be able to have a proper conversation. Which is pretty good, I get to know people, people get to know me. However once the conversation ends, when I see them in person the conversation may as well never have happened. Cause I feel just as nervous around them, sometimes even more so because it’s like I know things about them I shouldn’t because we never actually talked about them…
It’s weird, it’s annoying and it’s confusing. Anyway, I don’t know how to fix this issue our really make people aware of it. Unless I use the internet, the source of and solution to all of my problems. So if you are new in my life and notice I’m distant when taking to you, I’m sorry, I have a lot going on in my head.

I hope you enjoyed the read and it gave you some insight into me or maybe you have a similar problem and are relieved you aren’t the only one (if so please say so, so I can feel relief too… Kinda)

I know some of my friends are going to be upset by this post. Mostly because I didn’t turn to any of them, or even tell them that something was really wrong.

The truth is I’ve been entertaining thoughts that I shouldn’t be. Not suicidal thoughts, those haven’t really been an issue for some time, though they do still niggle at me from time to time. The main thought I’ve been entertaining is a shut down. Just turn the emotions all off and ignore them. I know it’s not healthy, I know it’s gotten me in trouble in the past, but it’s so tempting.

I haven’t exactly been in the best of places lately. I’ve got a job that could end in a few months, after which I have nothing to fall back on, no qualifications, nothing. If I’m out of work I’m living back home, which I don’t want. Living back home drives me crazy. But I can’t afford to live out of home because social welfare won’t cover any of my basic living expenses. I can’t afford an education cause… well I can’t. Also can’t get any assistance social welfare wise cause you only get it if you are on a different social welfare scheme for a certain period of time, which I can’t go on because I won’t be able to live on it and if I’m living at home I can’t get it.

So I’m in a dead end cycle when it comes to work. The book I’m writing has stalled to an absolute halt because I just don’t have the spoons for it between everything else on my mind. So I don’t make the goal I set for myself which makes me feel shit and I stop writing for more than a month, so I feel even worse.

My self confidence is shot.

There is a girl I like who is awesome in so many ways, but I’m so confused trying to wrap my head around basic social concepts like “What is a date?” that I end up just panicking and falling over myself.

I can’t think straight for more than twenty minutes, I’m getting angry all the time and annoyed at such simple things. I’m getting more and more concious of people talking to me and feel so stupid when I don’t know what’s going on, which seems to be all the time of late.

I feel like I’ve lost the ability to talk to some of my closest friends and my head is just this jumbled mess the is caving in on itself.

I’m tired, alone, worried, angry, deflated and I just want to turn it all off

I know I don’t post that often, so this probably won’t really cause much of an impact, but either way I figured saying ahead of time would be a good idea. A book I started writing some time ago has suddenly become a lot easier for me to write and I’m focusing like all my creative energies into it at the moment. As such I probably won’t be posting for the foreseeable future. I hope you guys have fun while I’m away.