"In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. And He did despair, for in His omniscience, He did know that His creations had but three-fifths of the splendor of that which would be IMAO."
-No One of Consequence

It's time for the first addition of Frank Answers! Let's get to the questions:

Joel F. asks:If a doughnut falls in the forest and nobody's around will Michael Moore
still find it, rub it into his skin, and then devour it?

Now Moore has more of look of a guy who was just rummaging through a dumpster looking for a half-eaten sandwich than someone who is lost in a forest eating grubs and bear droppings. Plus, it's hard to imagine Moore having any reason to go out into a forest unless someone convinced him that deer were NRA supporters or involved with corporate interests. Finally, with all the hunters around who don't like Moore, it would be very easy for an "accident" to happen in a forest, and Moore does have simple instincts that involve life preservation. So, with all the evidence against him ever being in a forest, to your answer, Joel, I would have to say no.

Richard R. asks:What is the speed of gravity?

I have wondered if a star were to suddenly disappear, would its gravitational effects on Earth instantly disappear, thus showing that gravity works instantaneously. But, from watching numerous documentaries on the coyote and roadrunner, I've seen that many times a coyote may run off a cliff and there is a delay until he starts to fall. This shows that gravity does not have an infinite speed as its effect are not instantaneous as it takes time for gravity to reach an object of mass. So what is the speed? What I did was make a simple experiment where I placed a gerbil in a small centrifuge, subjecting it to four times the force of gravity. I then placed the centrifuge in the microwave and set the power at 50%. The result was that the gerbil exploded after 26.35 seconds. Since I would like to keep this segment accessible to the layman, I'll just say that the resultant calculations based on that evidence shows conclusively that the speed of gravity is between 8 and 8 billion miles per hour, give or take twenty orders of magnitude.

Paul asks:Why is two more than one?

This was actually decided by Willy J. Puffypants, one of the main founders of modern mathematics. This was quite similar to when Benjamin Franklin chose to label one direction of electric flow as positive and the other negative. While many think in retrospect that Franklin's choice was not the best when further knowledge was gained about electricity, most still think Willy J. Puffypants chose most appropriately when he said that two is more than one. I would be remiss, though, if I were not to remind you that one can be greater than two for especially large values of one.

Paul also asks:What's up with all the monkey stuff, it makes me and my simian friends a bit nervous..

I hate monkeys and yet they haunt my dreams. I will speak no further of this.

The answer to this is that I am very wily and quicker than many may think. If you were ever to come after me, Bill, I assure you your next essay would be entitled "Ass Whup'n", and my beating of you would be extensive enough to give you more than enough material to write 9,000 words about it like with your usual essays.

Now, we all know of the movie All Dogs Go to Heaven, but I'm not sure how much research they did before making the title of the film. So, it was up to me to do my own experiments on the subject. So I wrote an e-mail to John Edwards who talks to the dead for his opinion. I got back a form letter saying that Sen. Edwards is not that John Edwards and telling me that I'm a jackass. What a jerk. I hope he wins the primary so he can have a humiliating defeat against Bush in 2004.

Next, I obtained a dog and then stopped his heart, making him technically dead for a minute’s length. I then asked him about his experience, and he bit me. Thus, the experiment was inconclusive.

Finally, I had a lab assistant stop my own heart temporarily. I found myself at the gates of Heaven, and there stood Jesus.

"The time of your judgment has come," thus spake Jesus, "and now I shall..."

"Sorry to interrupt, Jesus, but I'm only here temporarily," I informed Him, "You see, Laurence Simon wanted to know if there is a Doggy Heaven, and I knew you'd have the answer."

"Yes, and the answer is... Wait a second; did you say 'Laurence Simon'? He's a Jew, and he'll just use this information for the Zionist conspiracy."

"What are you talking about?"

"Hey, I already have enough problem dealing with dead Iraqis since those bagel eating neoconservatives tricked Bush into attacking Iraq."

"Oh my God, Jesus, you're like a total anti-Semite!"

"Hey, just because someone raises legitimate questions about whether the Holocaust happened, doesn't make him an 'anti-Semite'."

"How can you be a Holocaust denier? You must have met all the dead people."

"Yeah, but I think they were lying about how they died as part of their Zionist conspiracy. It's all so they can oppress the peaceful Palestinians and..."

At this point, Jesus started cracking up, and I knew he was just pulling my leg. "You're such a rascal, Jesus."

"I had you going there, didn't I, though?"

"Yeah. I was thinking, 'Man, this Jesus is an asshole. I think maybe I'll become a Buddhist."

"Sorry, but I just love playing jokes on people. You should see how much I mind-f**k the atheists."

"Anyway, the question."

"Oh yes. In answer to your quandary, my child..."

Then I woke back up from the brink of death. Once again, my experiment was inconclusive, but I have to say that Jesus is a fun guy, and I can't wait for the second coming.

In the end, I'll just have to go with what popular media says, and, since dogs are such loyal companions to humans, there is a Doggie Heaven and all dogs go to it. One thus must also conclude that there is a Cat Hell and that all cats go to it since they are demon creatures with slit eyes.

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Please comment on if you liked this segment. In the future, I plan on answering fewer questions at a time, but I will do these in addition to my normal post of the day. If I didn't get to your questions this time, don't worry; I may answer it next time. Until then, e-mail more questions with the subject "Frank Answers".