Tuesday, October 25, 2016

There are a few teeny
tiny things wrong with taking up 90 percent of your first online date with
someone talking about your “bitch ex-wife.”

The obvious being, you’re not over it.

The second being, you clearly aren’t a very good judge of
character.

The third being, it makes you look bad that your wife had to
go out and cheat with lots of people because she wasn’t getting what she needed
from you.

(Hey-ooo)

The fourth being, I DON’T CARE.

Now that I think about it, there really is nothing I care
about LESS than hearing about the
bitch ex-wife of a total stranger I met online. On a first date.

But somehow, there I was, in early 2015, eating at an
Italian restaurant with Henry, who spent 40 minutes explaining to me in great
detail about the time he found out that his “bitch ex wife” sold her wedding
dress and engagement ring on eBay.

Who uses eBay anymore?
I wondered to myself.

Henry added that “bitch” was “crazy” (aren’t ex-wives always
crazy??) and even though SHE cheated on HIM, which he knew for a fact because
he had her phone traced (ohhh…boyfriend
material!!! JK, LOL), she's been making his life a legal hell and he needs all kinds of lawyers.

Plus she shattered his car window with a beer bottle.

I don’t really know what Henry was expecting from divulging
all this information, or if he knew that I was uncomfortably darting my eyes to
the door to see if there was a similarly short, blonde female pointing a gun at
us.

(You know, between checking her eBay bids.)

Ha

I suppose he thought that I’d feel bad for him or something.

I hate to say it, but it wasn’t the first time a guy had
unloaded to me about a messy, baggage, unattractive EX on a first date.

At least this time the ex wasn’t a legit crack whore.

(I wish I was kidding.)

But no.

At least with Henry, I didn’t need to confirm that
his ex who he had been reminiscing about for the past 20 minutes, who he had lived with and SLEPT with, was actually a
crack addict, and also a prostitute.

Tuesday, October 18, 2016

It started off as a typical conversation you’d overhear on any honeymoon.

“Babe, you need to delete photos off your phone so we can
take pictures of Hawaii!”

Peter was driving at the time, in their rented car, in Hawaii, so he asked his wife of two
days, Greta, to delete his phone pictures.

After a minute of looking through his camera roll in silence,
Greta spoke.

“Do you want to keep pictures you have of text message
screenshots?” Greta asked.

“No,” Peter said. “Those are probably from work, when I had
to reference an order number.”

Greta paused.

“Ok, well what about the screen shot of texts between you
and someone named ‘Jessica’ about wanting to know what color panties she’s
wearing?” Greta asked.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“DO YOU WANT TO KEEP THAT ONE??” she
asked.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OMG. Nightmare.

It was amazing that Peter didn’t crash the car into a
volcano after that.

“What?” he played
dumb. “Who?”

And then all he could manage was, “What, you
don’t trust me?

Um.

No.

Then, “You really don’t trust me? I’m your HUSBAND.”

LOL

LOL

(Like he takes that role seriously.)

Greta then looked in horror
as she pulled up “Jessica” in his phone and saw MANY, MANY texts to her, the
most recent one about her panties that was sent TWO DAYS BEFORE THEIR WEDDING.

OMG.

Nightmare.

“Pull the car over!” Greta shouted. “PULL THE CAR OVER NOW!”

He did, at the closest restaurant, repeating himself, while
she jumped out and instructed him to leave.

“You don’t understand, it was nothing…” he said.

LOL

But Greta had seen the rest of the texts and they weren’t as
PG as asking about her panties. (If
you don’t think asking someone about her panties is "PG," then you definitely don’t want to see the rest of
this douche movie.)

It was a complete shock. They had dated for EIGHT years and Peter
had given no indication that he was a cheater, or dumb.

DUMB in that he
couldn’t even cover his tracks correctly…who saves a screen shot of their
affair?!?!?

Greta would never
have married someone that unintelligent, had she known.

VOMIT.

VOMIT ALL OVER EVERYTHING!!!!

PINEAPPLE HULA VOMIT!!!

Peter eventually admitted that “Jessica” was a co-worker, but
insisted that it was “nothing,” despite what MONTHS of sexting revealed.

And then
Peter decided to go ahead and remind her again
that he was her husband, as if that wasn’t adding insult to injury.

"I know I'm an asshole cheater and liar, but I'm your HUSBAND!"

LOL

I hope her divorce lawyer works the line, “take a picture,
it’ll last longer...than your marriage,” into the proceedings.