My Cancerous Pixel

When life seems to overwhelm, I focus on the Big Picture.

My life reads like a fairy tale. Firstborn child to two loving parents, raised in middle America, never wanting for anything, blessed with five younger brothers. We made Aliyah to Israel, as a family, in 1991. I graduated high school and enlisted in the Israeli army where I served for two years. After the army, I enrolled at Ben Gurion University of the Negev where I earned a degree in physical therapy.

Nearing my graduation, I met the man of my dreams, all the way in Australia, on an online dating website. We married and settled into an amazing community in Bet Shemesh, Israel. We were blessed with five beautiful children. I chose to be a stay-at-home-mom and was lucky to have a husband who supports and embraces it. I'm "the picture of health," a fit mom who enjoys running and maintains a healthy nutritious eating lifestyle. Perfect, right?

In 2011 I had a rare tumor removed from my parotid gland. Then, several months ago, I began to suffer from vague symptoms – fatigue, morning sickness and nausea. After a wild goose chase for answers, an ultrasound of my neck forced us to focus on a thyroid growth. I had a biopsy which showed the growth to be benign. But in the meantime I felt worse and worse. If my thyroid was functioning properly, why was I feeling so down?

Although I was eating right and exercising, I was crawling out of bed each day.

Over the next few months, I suffered debilitating exhaustion that had me crawling out of bed each morning with dread for the day. All the routine blood tests produced mostly normal results, and when mega-doses of vitamins didn't provide any relief from symptoms, I turned to diet and exercise. Even though I was eating less, exercising, and limiting my calories, I felt increasingly horrible. That alone was depressing and made me doubt my symptoms. Was I becoming overwhelmed with my motherly duties? Was I lazy? Depressed?

I'll share a secret: As soon as we knew my thyroid was fine, my husband and I were hoping to conceive our sixth child. Each month, my “baby hopes” were inspired and encouraged by the terrible nausea, morning sickness, fatigue, and missed periods as possible pregnancy symptoms. Yet despite my spending a small fortune on home pregnancy tests – which all came up negative – my tummy became uncomfortable, bloated and round.

One day I experienced spotting, and at that moment I understood I was in immediate danger. My husband had gone to work, early, so I rushed to the doctor on my own. Never having met me before, the ob/gyn wanted a full medical background and history before examining me. Surely, he figured he was about to confirm an early pregnancy, implantation bleeding, or perhaps nothing at all.

When he finally took a look on the ultrasound, I saw it in his eyes. Something was terribly wrong. He told me that I’d need to rush immediately to the emergency room.

With my husband over an hour away at work, I called and told him to come home right away to watch our children as I drove myself to the emergency room for further tests. In my heart, I already knew that disaster had landed... on me, in me. Somehow I just knew. I’d mumbled my fears only to those people so close to me that I could allow my despair to show, and now I felt I was nearing a confirmation.

An ultrasound and CT confirmed catastrophe. Enormous masses on both ovaries had spread throughout my abdomen and into my liver. I had to share the news over the phone with my husband and I don’t think he could even process it until many days later. We were both functioning on auto pilot.

Three days later, a team of doctors at Shaare Zedek Medical Center in Jerusalem removed all the tumors. When the doctor came out of surgery, my family received the glum news: the liver masses were cancerous. My poor husband had to confront the possibility of advanced stage 4 cancer and a painful and difficult road… leading to a future without me.

About 20 minutes later, after consulting with a world acclaimed CT expert, the doctor confirmed that the three liver findings were all hemangiomas which are benign clusters of blood vessels. Stage 4 had been taken down to stage 3!

The cancer in me was spread just enough to make me a Stage 3, yet the miracle was that the surgeon was able to remove all visible signs of tumor so I'm cancer-free, with a chemotherapy regimen to make sure any microscopic traces are wiped out.

Why Me?

My initial reaction was shock, but contemplative. I have learned that when we have a problem, all we can see is the zoomed in version of our picture; crisis, suffering, pain, worry, fear, anxiety, anger. Sometimes we're so focused on one tiny pixel that we don't realize what a small part of life it actually is. Usually a crisis or a problem reflects a stage, something temporary that in days, weeks or months will pass. Every parent experiences these stages while raising babies and toddlers: colic, teething, babbling, crawling, cruising, walking. And before you know it your child is becoming a Bar Mitzvah or even getting married. Where did the time fly? Sigh.

When people hear that a young mother, like me, is diagnosed with stage 3 ovarian cancer it's very shocking. But I've been very open in sharing my story. In doing so, I've opened a door and put down a welcome mat for many people. Many people have approached me these past few months with very personal stories of their own illnesses, and this has afforded me so many wonderful opportunities for kindness and love.

When I zoom out of the big picture and let all the tiny pixels come together, I can see that I’ve gained a lot in this way.

It is said that the word "but," placed in the middle of a sentence, somehow cancels out everything else said before. As in: “My life is so blessed and wonderful, but unfortunately I became sick with cancer.” Does cancer mean that I'm no longer blessed? Did cancer come into my life to smite my blessings? Why did I get cancer? Why me? Was I not kind enough? Not generous enough? Not awake enough? Not thankful enough for all that I have?

The question that every person asks at one time or another is: If God is great, and we have unconditional faith and belief, why do people suffer? Do bad things happen to good people? Am I bad? Did I not do enough to satisfy God? Maybe I got sick because I have a bad gene or a bad attitude. Or maybe it's just fate.

Communal Support

When I got sick, I reached out to my family, friends, and community. I made my diagnosis public from day one on Facebook and in a blog that I maintain. I immediately received an outpouring of kindness. My family is constantly at my side. My friends and community encircle me, my husband and our children.

We live in a community within a community. Our friends from the neighborhood, and two other communities that we are friendly with and participate in, formed an army of people volunteering to cook and bake delicious and healthy meals for me and my family. These meals continue to arrive in my kitchen every day that I have chemotherapy and for the week and Shabbat thereafter.

On the day before starting chemotherapy, I needed to say goodbye to my long hair. So two friends accompanied me to the hair salon where we celebrated my hair being braided into a rope of hair to be donated to make a wig for child cancer patients.

The quilt keeps me physically warm and so much more for my soul.

One of the things that has touched and inspired me the most was an act of love and support by six talented and spiritual women from Bet Shemesh, who decided to make me a chemo quilt. In a very short amount of time, they chose fabric, designed, cut, pieced, sewed, bound, and quilted a very special quilt. It's pink, green, and warm, and covered in hearts. It’s become a constant companion during my chemotherapy sessions – keeping me physically warm and so much more for my soul.

Women from around the world and in Israel, who’ve already experienced the type of journey I'm on, are my new sisters, sharing their love and support. I feel happy and loved like I have never felt before.

I look at myself and my life and I have to ask: Why? How has my blessed life continued to be a bright and hopeful journey with cancer?

Open My Eyes

When I was formed in my mother's womb, God gave me many things, He gave me green eyes and brown hair. He gave me gifts and talents. He gave me my path and He knew where that path would lead. If we believe with full faith, we know that everything is God's will. Cancer is part of God's creation.

Now that I have experienced cancer and feel my mortality, I am more “awake” than ever before. Miracles happen every single day to every one of us – yet we don't always see them. Now I feel as though I can open my eyes and see. You might think it's amazing or inspiring but I'm just a vessel. The inspiration is flowing because my family, friends and community are kind and good. Perhaps this cancer was put on my path to invoke and facilitate the kindness, goodness and prayers of everyone around me. I believe in my heart that everything happens for a reason.

I've thought a lot about how I'm going to greet cancer as a turning point – how it will change my life and how I want to impact others. Beginning a journey where I'm actually fighting for my life is on the one hand petrifying, but also spiritually awakening. I remind myself that on Rosh Hashanah on last year, I was written in the Book of Life because, hey, I'm still here. Now, this Rosh Hashanah, I was handed a clean slate, and what is ultimately written has been all up to me. That's the situation for all of us. I decided to live my life as a kinder, better person and reflect all the kindness that is being shown to me.

As I experience cancer as a new part of me, a lot of things have suddenly become much clearer. While I was a happy person before my diagnosis, I feel that happiness is being redefined. I feel closer to God and that He is giving me a gift of rediscovery.

What is the secret to happiness? It's about accepting what you have, enjoying every drop you can squeeze out of it, and not looking left or right at anything else. When you love and appreciate yourself, your family, your friends, and genuinely love everything that God put on His beautiful earth, you will be happy. Love means acceptance of every flaw and imperfection in every single moment and place in my life. When acceptance, forgiveness and love fill my life to the brim, I just don't have room for all that noise called anger, sadness, envy and regret.

Having this Big Picture in front of me allows me to see hope and a cure.

I have a very tall mountain in my path and it's an immensely painful life challenge. If I stand back and view my Big Picture I can see the peak in the distance. Along the way there are many meaningful signposts – foremost the people I love, and who care about me, too. The jagged cliffs on my mountain are also covered in God's creations and miracles. Having this Big Picture in front of me allows me to see hope and a cure.

Cancer forced me to be the mom that I am to my five children. I look at them and my heart swells with love, pride and yearning to devour every single precious moment with them. I no longer have a womb to embrace. The core of my fertility, seeds of life, diseased and threatened my existence. It’s difficult to come to terms with that reality and fully grasp and accept it. If I can be so bold as to continue my conversation with God – and I will - the discussion will be painful and on this point I’m not ready for it today.

I'm 36. I was the poster girl for good health and yet I, happily married mother of five young children, have joined a new club that no one wants to be a member of, the chemotherapy club.

Yet I continue to smile and enjoy. I accept cancer as part of my journey which was given to me along with many beautiful blessings. Although cancer is the last thing I ever wanted to deal with, right now I am at the absolute highest peak of love and enthusiasm for life. I am overjoyed to be here. I'm scared about the future, yet I feel more loved, embraced and optimistic than ever before. I feel more love and joy for my family and friends, and I'm more in love with my husband than ever before. I simply don't have room in my life for anything else besides what gives me strength.

Cancer has awoken me to a celebration of life. For while that one “cancerous pixel” seemed like a disaster, when I zoom out to the big picture, I realize it’s just another part of the magnificent, gorgeous gift of life.

About the Author

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 49

(49)
Darlene,
November 23, 2012 6:26 PM

Putting things into perspective

The message of "seeing the Big Picture" is so appropriate for so many challenges in our lives. Reading Erika's story helps me remind myself of all the loving and caring I have in my life despite the legal issues I now face that have torn my family apart. I am reminded to look more at the peak of the mountain than just the grass at my feet. The pain in my heart is not the total of my life, and my recent spiritual awakening on Yom Kippur this year helps me acknowledge the gifts I've been given, including the discovery of Aish.com.

(48)
Eva,
November 6, 2012 2:26 AM

Erika, you have a very special spirit!

I'm 35, married mother of three, have been thru a life changing experience in my health and it also has opened my eyes to LIVING not just existing. I can relate to a lot of what you said. may hashem heal and bless you! thanks so much for sharing!

(47)
jewish mama,
October 26, 2012 10:02 AM

thank you SO much for sharing your story and heart

You are a blessing, your family and friends are blessings too. The chemo quilt is such a great idea and I want to make something like that for my friend who also has ovarian cancer. Please Gd you and all women who suffer this, should have a complete and speedy recovery. G.d bless!

(46)
Andrew,
October 24, 2012 1:07 PM

fantastic

What a truly excellent article. The author shares deep personal experience while t teaching such great lessons. As a person who has managed a serious chronic health condition for 15 years now, I particularly appreciate the line that states, "Yet I continue to smile and enjoy. I accept cancer as part of my journey which was given to me along with many beautiful blessings" although I must admit I need to remember to smile a bit more. Erika just gave me quite a nice reminder to do so.

(45)
Zehava,
October 24, 2012 6:47 AM

I guess the challenge for all of us is to be in the present and be awake and appreciative of all the Blessings bestowed upon us daily.. If only people would open their heart to love and care for one another without someone's
illness to give them permission to do so. May HaShem Bless
you with a complete recovery and a long and fulfilling life.

(44)
Naava Rosa,
October 23, 2012 10:57 PM

my journey is just beginning

Thank you so much for telling your story. I am beginning my own journey with breast cancer. My journey has helped me to thank Hashem for everything that he gives me. When I can't find something big; I look to the small stuff like my heart is beating. I plan on being here for a long time. I also plan on enjoying my three Nes's in my life- my two daughter's and my husband. Without them I would never survive this journey!
May Hashem continue give you health, happiness, nachas and strength to handle everything that comes your way!!!!

(43)
Jessica Stern,
October 23, 2012 9:33 PM

Love to hear you are thriving

I have been there too. In fact I got a link to your article from my daughter who was reminded of me when she read it. I still have bad days when I throw myself pity parties bbut they are few and far between. As You I am blessed with great friends, a wonderful family and an unbelievable community which I thank God every day for. I never would have made it without them. May you be granted a full life however long it may be

(42)
Eva,
October 23, 2012 1:27 PM

Dear Erika,
Your article was very moving- thank you for taking the time to write it and to share your experience with readers so that we can grow and be inspired!
May Hashem grant you a speedy and complete recovery!
thinking of you! -Eva (from RBS/ mommy and me group)

(41)
Boca Mom,
October 23, 2012 12:54 PM

wow

You are a brave and inspiring woman. yur story made me cry, it touched me very deeply. I will pray for you to recover ad have many mroe yearswith your family. you realize hwo blessedyou are, but they are very blessed as well to have you in their lives. Best of luck!!

(40)
Sara Lieber,
October 23, 2012 11:54 AM

We love you Erica and are davening for you! You have helped a lot of people with your community service and prayer and you are very appreciated.

(39)
Abigail,
October 23, 2012 11:38 AM

wishing you a full and speedy recovery

Your story truly inspires and awakens me to appreciate the blessings in my own life. Just as, if not more inspiring is your unflailing effort to use your nisayon -- and it is truly a profoundly formidable one -- to enhance your relationship with G-d, your family, your friends, and your people, and to provide strength, love and empathy to those going through similar circumstances. May G-d grant you long life, health, and happiness to continue through life's journeys.

(38)
Malki,
October 23, 2012 9:14 AM

Refuah Shleima!

You wrote a beautiful, inspiring article. Hashem should give you koach to continue being so positive.

(37)
shana,
October 23, 2012 2:02 AM

Your story inspired me to become a better parent, spouse, daughter,sister,and friend. Thank you for being so brave and for sharing it . May you have a refuah shlaima bkarov and continue to be such a chizuk for klal yisroel

(36)
Mickael,
October 23, 2012 12:00 AM

Breathtaking essay. You really make us think of what is important in life. Thank you

(35)
Aviva,
October 22, 2012 9:00 PM

You are an inspiration! I will do daily meshabaras for you.

(34)
Sarah,
October 22, 2012 8:07 PM

As I read this, tears and smile intermingled, and when I finished reading I asked G-d to please send a complete cure to Erika bat Chava Ehta.
May He shine His countenance upon you! (As a matter of fact, He's been doing it all along).

(33)
Anonymous,
October 22, 2012 7:25 PM

Going Through it Now

I read your article and I feel a kinship with you. I too had those vague symptoms but it was attributed to the ovarian cysts that the doctors knew I had. Only when I went in for surgery to remove the benign cysts did they discover the cancer B"H! I too became more spiritual and see the gadlus of Hashem in everyday life. I just completed my 6th cycle of chemo and am awaiting a CT scan to see if I am in remission. BE"H, all will be good. I too never said "why me?". I felt that Hashem chose me because I am strong and I can handle it. I feel worried all the time but try to keep upbeat for the health and happiness of my family and friends. May H"KBH send you a complete refuah and give you arichas yamim ad meah v'esrim shana! I will keep your name in my daily tehillim as it's said when you pray for another with the same ailment Hashem will answer your tefilos.

(32)
Yehudit Channen,
October 22, 2012 4:03 PM

the right stuff

Erika,
I remember when you told my husband and I about your illness. I was so impressed and inspired by your openess and optimism. What a healthy attitude! I felt like you had given us a gift of trust and closeness. We doven for you and your family and wish you a speedy and complete recovery. You are very special-- contiuing to give to others despite a condition that could understandably make a person very self-absorbed.

(31)
Stacey,
October 22, 2012 3:17 PM

beautifully written

Hi this was an exceptional article. you feel now what is truely important in this life. i have hit a very low point psychologicaly recently due to a few factors, and i had to be in a psych. hospital. when i was away from my family, it was very painful, and i did ask why me, but i realized quickly that wont get you anywhere. it is for a reason beyond my understanding. Baruch H im out of the hospital, and i dont take anything for granted. not making myself a cup of coffee, not my childrens smell of their skin, not my freedom. its all such a gift, sometimes we are put in certain life situations (sickness- physical or mental) so that we can APPRECIATE all the gifts we have been given by H. i wish you Erika bat Chava Ehta an immediate refuah shleima. thankyou.

(30)
Paimbia,
October 22, 2012 2:52 PM

You are my morning Blessing

I was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer Feb. 16th of this year. I know the rollercoaster of emotions and could relate to every thing you wrote. I had quit smoking 17 years ago and was shocked to discover I had gotten cancer anyway.
I thank God for the healing I will recieve one day. Again, thankyou for being my morning blessing.

Dear Erika,
Please watch the "Run from the Cure' you tube movie.
May you have a speedy and complete recovery.

(27)
Anonymous,
October 22, 2012 12:00 PM

Thank you so much

You really hit home, I must say I have not been taking time to really truly thank Hashem for everything I have. Thank you for sharing your story. May Hasehem grant you a full physical recovery with continued spiritual growth.

(26)
Toby,
October 22, 2012 10:47 AM

beautiful article

Your article is beautifully written and I could not have put it down any different . I too am a Chemotherapy club member which I did not intend to join "but " was not asked.
So I embrace this experience and now give chizuk to other people who became members without being asked.
We will overcome this too and see much nachas from our families. Yes, the world is so good that perhaps Hashem wants was as vehicles of goodness by making us sick so that the world around us unite be it by saying Tehillim or perparing our meals.
Be well and TAKE CARE OF YOUR SELF YOU NEED TO BE NUMBER #1 now.. Its okay to say months after chemo is over I AM TIRED.. Just remember you have been through hell and back
Take care sissy and may you be blessed with good health going forward

(25)
sarah,
October 22, 2012 10:31 AM

courage

my husband also had cancer on parotid gland and after treatment in 2010 we were told he was all clear.Imagine our horror when erev Pesach this year we are told it is back on both lungs and immediate surgery needed. After surgery he had one course of chemo, no good tumours all back again so now he is undergoing more chemo and we are going day by day. Is it a blessing, we do not know but he has been able to see our youngest grandchild start school and we hope he will see our oldest barmitzvah next year. We know there is a reason for all this pain he is going through but it is sometimes hard to sit by and see this and not question.

(24)
Vivienne Tankus,
October 22, 2012 8:16 AM

kol hakavod lach; behatzlacha rabba

What a moving story. Thank you for sharing it. May HaKadosh baruch Hu heal you and bless you with good health and a long life.
You are an inspiration.

(23)
Rinah,
October 22, 2012 7:36 AM

Cancer and emotion

Heard it said that cancer has it's root in supressed emotion. Also heard it said that once one deals with one's emotions, cancer can be healed. In ALL things Hashem works for the good of those who love Him. May it be so for you chamuda.Thank you for sharing your amazing story; it surely gives hope to many others who read it.

(22)
amichai,
October 22, 2012 6:42 AM

May Hashem Bless You Refuah Shleimah

Thank You for sharing.When a person uses his personal problems to stengthen others I believe that this takes The "din" the decree and sweetens it "hamtka".May your Din be sweetend Today!Refuah Shleimah

(21)
Anonymous,
October 22, 2012 6:27 AM

thankyou so much for sharing that. you truly are an inspiration. if we would look at ourselves many of us may also find that we truly are also beautiful packages, yet we seem to find what is not good enough and what g-d has not given us. you have opened up my eyes today to see the true good in my life and to try to make an effort to really look at the good G-d has given me. Hashem should give you a full speedy recovery and i will be davening for you.

(20)
אלקה,
October 22, 2012 6:26 AM

רפואה שלמה

You are an amazing person and I will pray for you.
Refuah Shlemah.

(19)
Renee,
October 22, 2012 3:12 AM

Inspiring!

Wow that was powerful. Thank you for sharing! I hope you will stay healthy.

(18)
Rachel,
October 22, 2012 2:40 AM

My prayers are with you

Erika,
My prayers are with you, your family, and your community. May G_d heal you for His name's sake. May you continue to grow in your relationship to Him and inspire others to do the same. And may you be healed and whole, both in body and in spirit. This is my prayer for you.
Baruch Hashem
-Rachel

(17)
tzirel,
October 22, 2012 2:19 AM

refuah shleima

May Hashem grant you a complete and speedy recovery and may your inner koach serve you well and inspire others too. Refuah Shleima.

(16)
Carol,
October 22, 2012 1:23 AM

My prayers are with you!

I was diagnosed with a spinal tumor this spring, blessedly benign. Great neurosurgeon and good prognosis, and I feel so grateful for every day I have. It's trite, but it's a new lease on this life.

(15)
Anonymous,
October 22, 2012 1:01 AM

You are a strong woman g-d. Bless you

(14)
jack,
October 22, 2012 12:51 AM

we are pulling for you

it's wonderful you're sharing your family experience in the way you do ie by glorifying the source of all our blessings.
the common source being HaShem of course.
I would like to share a heart or a on partial snow of that I just read and here is the link I hope you find it inspiringhttp://www.torah.org/learning/drasha/5759/noach.html

(13)
Cheryl G,
October 21, 2012 11:31 PM

Thank you for helping me redirect my thoughts.

Erika, On Wednesday, I will be 4 years cancer free. I too have ovarian cancer, its a different form where it may come back tomorrow, next week or 20 years from now. Other health problems have ensued from the cancer (diabetes, high blood pressure) but I just keep going along. My family and friends are a tremendous support for me. In spite of their support, many times I do get depressed and miserable. I feel as if the sword of Damocles is hanging above me. My faith takes a spiral spin downward and its hard to get back up again. Your words and thoughts are very inspiring - sometimes I need to hear or see them from one who "is or has been there". Somehow it helps me get over the next bump in life. Thank you - you wrote these words just when I needed to read them. May you and your loved ones be written in the Book of Life for many years to come.

(12)
ruth housman,
October 21, 2012 11:18 PM

The Gift of Life

I wish you a long and healthy life with your children, your husband and loving community. There are lessons to be learned from grave illness, and I think you got them all, and your sharing is beautiful and true. There is nothing bad people do to get ill, but rather, when illness takes over we try to make sense of this, and having a fairy tale life, makes one wonder, why am I suddenly falling down? You came up with some beautiful answers and they picked you up, as did your friends, and I bet the many beautiful smiles of those who always wished you WELL. L'Chaim!

(11)
Nechama Jaffe,
October 21, 2012 11:03 PM

Keep the glass filled

An amazing story of instant horror, acceptance and then good news and survival for a mother if five

(10)
Toby Katz,
October 21, 2012 10:59 PM

I wish you a refuah sheleimah

We all have troubles in our lives but few write as beautifully and clearly as you do. I especially appreciate your thought-provoking question: "Does cancer mean that I'm no longer blessed? Did cancer come into my life to smite my blessings?" When any of us have troubles and sorrows, do those troubles take away our many blessings? You have asked the right question, and in asking, you have also provided the answer.
May Hashem help you and give you a refuah sheleimah, good health and bracha until 120 years.

(9)
Gavin-Chaim,
October 21, 2012 10:50 PM

Happiness

Dear Erika,I send you my blessing for a Refuah Sheleimah.You gave such a wonderful definition of happiness that I want to repeat it here:'...It's about accepting what you have,enjoying every drop you can squeeze out of it,and not looking left or right at anything else.When you love and appreciate yourself,your family,your friends,and genuinely love everything that
G-d put on his beautiful earth,you will be happy.Love means acceptance of every flaw and imperfection in every single moment and place in life.When acceptance,forgiveness and love fill my life to the brim,I just dont have the room for all that noise called anger,sadness,envy and regret...'So well put!The best definition I have come across in all my years of searching!My thoughts and prayers are with you.

(8)
Lynda Menis,
October 21, 2012 10:18 PM

Very inspiring

I'm a 2-time cancer survivor. I admire your honest evaluation of your life and where you are. Stay brave and enjoy every moment. Only G-d knows His plan for you. I send you love. Let me now how you do if you can and do not mind.

(7)
Linda,
October 21, 2012 10:14 PM

BRCA Testing

You are in my thoughts as a 13 year survivor of ovarian cancer.. I hope that you have a detailed family history investigation and the BRCA gene testing.. I have the gene and so do my 2 daughters.. they are lucky since they were able to be proactive in prevention removing ovaries and breasts...they did the after having 3 children each..
My prayers are with you.
Linda

(6)
Anonymous,
October 21, 2012 10:06 PM

thank you

It is rare to hear someone speak so openly about how such illnesses can be a positive influence not just to the person who is diagnosed but to those around them too. I wish you a speedy recovery and thank you for your inspiration.

(5)
Miriam,
October 21, 2012 9:40 PM

You are an incredible person.

Thank you for sharing your story. Just listening to you "talk" is unbelievably inspiring. Your husband and children are lucky to have such an amazing wife and mother. I will pray for you every day, iy'H. My uncle was diagnosed with liver cancer ten months ago and given three months to live. Last month he was told he was in remission, a word his doctors never, ever used. His insurance didn't even want initially to pay for the test that reported him in remission since there was "no news to tell". His daughter who went with him took a relative along since she didn't know what she'd hear. When the doctors started telling her she didn't know what she was talking about. Miracles do happen and your amazing personality is a great miracle and proof of Hashem's presence as well! We should hear good news!

(4)
Anonymous,
October 21, 2012 9:12 PM

Why NOT Me?

For some reason, I've never asked why me when I went to hell and back. Although I do not believe in "hell" I look with gratitude with what I've been through including five heart attacks, coronary artery bypass grafting (better known as "open heart" surgery) a carotid endarterectomy in which the carotid artery is slit and the gunk out to increase the blood flow to the brain. Unfortunately, for me a cryptic aneurysm burst, flooding my brain with blood.
When I presented in the emergency room all I could do was laugh, the ER nurse thought I was drunk because it was New Year's Day. I do not drink. Only when I went into my first grand mal seizure did she understand what my sister was telling her, I had just had a massive stroke from which I was repeatedly told that I would NEVER walk, talk or work again.
SIX MONTHS later I returned to my work, doing all three things the doctors said I would never do.
Throughout everything, I never asked "why me?" My only question has consistently been "Why NOT Me?" I am not someone special on whom Hashem should give me only blessings and never challenges. I've been left with permanent brain damage that has negatively affected my balance, speech and the anti-seizure drugs have given me various dystonias. I've also inherited an auto-immune disorder (psoriasis) that can really get in the way of life sometimes. But, again, why not me? Job had it MUCH worse off than I.
I'm over three score and ten and am looking forward to be like the Energizer bunny and keep going and going and going. I am happy and always have a smile on my face, why not? I have survived some of the worst that life can toss my way and I"m still blessing Hashem every day!

(3)
Melanie Vliet,
October 21, 2012 9:05 PM

Another Reason for You to Ponder

Having survived cancer twice and two additional pre-emptive surgeries this summer when I tested positive for the BRCA gene mutation (if you haven't yet been tested, you should be, as your risk of breast cancer is vastly increased if you're positive), I've been there. My friends were astounded by my attitude, which you seem to share. I've responded with humor and by reaching out to those diagnosed with cancer.
This (the reaching out) is the reason to which I referred in my summary above. I believe that a reason--perhaps THE reason--for my having had two cancer adventures is to equip me to be a blessing to others. Last year I became a Reach to Recovery volunteer. If Israel has the equivalent (it's a program of the American Cancer Society), I urge you to start giving back by being trained as a volunteer. Don't pass up any opportunity to share what G-d has done for you and encourage others.

(2)
Anonymous,
October 21, 2012 8:34 PM

Love to u!!

Love and appreciation for you:)
Thank you for your beautiful writing and your
Beautiful you hugs kisses and hope for all being well and happiness and love!!!

My Christian friends are always speaking about “faith.” To me this sounds a lot like blind faith. Is that really the essence of religion?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

I'm afraid that this is another case of a Christian concept being mis-associated with Judaism.

Let's first define our terms. What is faith?

Webster defines faith as "Belief without proof."

What is knowledge? "An acquaintance with truth, facts or principles through study or investigation."

Faith is usually a product of desire. Have you ever gotten a tip on the market that guarantees you're going to triple your money in a month? A lot of smart people have gotten fleeced because they ignored the evidence and went with their feelings.

Knowledge, on the other hand, is based on evidence. We know there's a place called China because we have too many products in our house saying "made in China." There's a lot of evidence for the existence of China, even though most of us have never been there.

Judaism unequivocally comes down on the side of knowledge, not faith. In Deuteronomy 4:39, the Torah says: "You shall know this day, and understand it well in your heart, that the Almighty is God; in the heaven above and the earth below, there is none other." (This verse is also contained in the prayer, "Aleynu.")

This verse tells us that it is not enough to simply know in your head, intellectually, that God is the Controller of everything. You must know it in your heart! This knowledge is much more profound than an intellectual knowledge. God gave us a brain because he wants us to think rationally about the world, our role in it, and our relationship with God.

A conviction based on desire or feelings alone has no place in Judaism. The Hebrew word "emunah," which is often translated as faith, does not describe a conviction based on feelings or desire. It describes a conviction that is based on evidence.

Once this knowledge is internalized, it effects how a person lives. A person with this knowledge could transform every breathing moment into a mitzvah, for he would do everything for the sake of the heaven. But this is not a "knowledge," that comes easily. Only intensive Torah learning and doing mitzvahs can achieve this knowledge. Every word of Torah we learn moves us just a little bit closer to that goal. And everyone is capable of that.

To learn more, read "The Knowing Heart," by Rabbi Moshe Chaim Luzzatto (Feldheim.com). This entire book is an explanation of this verse!

In 350 BCE, the building of the second Holy Temple was completed in Jerusalem, as recorded in the biblical Book of Ezra (6:15). The re-building of the Temple had begun under Cyrus when the Persians first took over the Babylonian empire. The re-building was then interrupted for 18 years, and resumed with the blessing of Darius II, the Persian king whom is said to be the son of Esther. The Second Temple lacked much of the glory of the First Temple: There was no Ark of the Covenant, and the daily miracles and prophets were no longer part of the scenery. The Second Temple would stand for 420 years, before being destroyed by the Romans in 70 CE.

You shall know this day and consider it within your heart(Deuteronomy 4:39).

Business people who are involved in many transactions employ accountants to analyze their operations and to determine whether or not they are profitable. They may also seek the help of experts to determine which products are making money and which are losing. Such studies allow them to maximize their profits and minimize their losses. Without such data, they might be doing a great deal of business, but discover at the end of the year that their expenditures exceeded their earnings.

Sensible people give at least as much thought to the quality and achievement of their lives as they do to their businesses. Each asks himself, "Where am I going with my life? What am I doing that is of value? In what ways am I gaining and improving? And which practices should I increase, and which should I eliminate?"

Few people make such reckonings. Many of those that do, do so on their own, without consulting an expert's opinion. These same people would not think of being their own business analysts and accountants, and they readily pay large sums of money to engage highly qualified experts in these fields.

Jewish ethical works urge us to regularly undergo cheshbon hanefesh, a personal accounting. We would be foolish to approach this accounting of our very lives with any less seriousness than we do our business affairs. We should seek out the "spiritual C.P.A.s," those who have expertise in spiritual guidance, to help us in our analyses.

Today I shall...

look for competent guidance in doing a personal moral inventory and in planning my future.

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