Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Cannibalistic Chewing-Gum and a Lethal Blizzard.

Do you have a friend who can turn any story, no matter how dull, into gripping entertainment? I have a friend like that.

Her name is Jasmine and she exaggerates EVERYTHING. Everyone loves Jazzy’s stories, and everyone loves Jazzy. Her boyfriend Jason loves her most of all.

But you must be careful when you are with Jazzy. In order to protect your reputation of normalcy and non-craziness, you MUST NOT allow her to witness you doing anything that is even remotely strange.

If she catches you doing something slightly unusual, she will broadcast it as extremely weird behavior and she will make you the laughing stock of the community.

Do not get mad when she tells stories about you. This encourages her games.

For example, if your name is Stacie and you are not a morning person, take great care to be emotionless and non-responsive when Jasmine makes everybody call you "Soccer Mom Cindy".

Because if you show any sign of annoyance... Jazzy will be delighted. She will carry on to tell more stories of how you are a cyclone of rage when you are made to rise in an early hour.

I am giving you this warning because I do not want you to experience the humiliation that ensues after starring in a Jazzy story. I would probably be one of Jasmine's top ten favorite victims (poor Stacie is Jasmine's favorite victim by far). The first time was the worst for me.

One weekend, our team was away in the United States at a hockey tournament. Taylor, Jazzy and I were assigned to stay in the same hotel room. When we ate breakfast the next morning with our team, Jasmine told a story.

“I forget what it was that woke Taylor and I up last night… but I know it was either the snowstorm in our room, or Logan's screaming. Logan had somehow BROKEN the air conditioner and the temperature in our room reduced to negative 40 degrees. Not only that, but her GUM fell out of her mouth and she rolled in it.”

“I had to save her from death VIA chewing gum by using all of my strength to detach her from the mattress.”

"After successfully removing her from the bed, we had another problem to deal with. Our room was SNOWING.

We would have for sure died that night if we didn’t do something to stay warm."

"So I rolled Logan up in Plastic Wrap to protect Taylor and I from the risk of gum infection…"

"And then I built a fire to warm us.”

The only truth to Jazzy's story was that the room became a tad chilly when I turned the air conditioner on, and I did get gum on my arm at one point. There was NO blizzard and the gum did NOT try to eat me. But despite it all, I was still embarrassed. Jazzy was so good at story telling that I believed everything she said. It was MY FAULT that we had to fight for survival in an indoor snow storm. It was MY FAULT that I had been eaten by my own gum.

Shame and Self-loathing ensued.

My personal method for dealing with humiliation is to find a hiding place, and stay there until people forget what I did.