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Not Beautiful Enough, Not Good Enough

5.8.18

You may notice I haven't been around much on my blog lately. I've been *trying* to take some time for myself - to figure stuff out.

I've been racking my brains over what I should be doing with my life, where I should be going, how I should be feeling etc.

And, well, the thing I've come to realise is, I don't feel good enough... in any sense of the word.

I don't feel good enough to be a part of the blogging world anymore (hence my last blog post), I don't feel good enough to be a model, I don't feel good enough to be someone's girlfriend, I don't feel good enough to have a regular job... I just don't feel good enough for anything.

Now where has this feeling of absolute self destruction come from?

That's what I've been trying to put my finger on.

When I think back to the start of 2017, I really had my shit together. I had clear goals, I was on the right path towards those goals, and all the work I'd put into my mental health over the past 3 years was finally paying off.

I was pretty damn happy.

I liked myself, I liked my life and everything was on the 'up', FINALLY.

However, I know for a fact that last year, a lot of things changed. A lot of things set me back, and all of the self worth I'd built just slowly came crashing down.

I had someone in my life who tore down every bit of confidence that I ever had. I became brainwashed by the idea that someone 'loved' me, and I didn't realise all of the things which I was letting go of in my life, purely just by letting them in.

I stopped thinking about my goals, I stopped worrying about my own mental health and became concerned with someone else's, and I let myself believe that I really wasn't good enough - I wasn't 'perfect' or 'beautiful' enough for anyone.

That's the thing with me. Unfortunately, 99.9% of my self-worth, my confidence, comes from how attractive I feel. Without feeling good in myself and my looks, I feel like I have nothing.

So, when I let something happen in my life, that inevitably made me feel like a hideous, messy, excuse of a person, simply because I decided to put others first before myself, my head got a little bit... fucked up.

"Sometimes I feel proud to have all this love in me, and the other times I wish that it never existed there."

All my focus that should have been on my blog and my career, went onto something else, and it's probably my biggest regret in life.

Stepping out from something completely toxic and soul destroying, and finally thinking 'what the hell was I doing?!' 'why was I being made to feel like that?', is that realization I've needed to finally pick myself back up again.

I had my self confidence broken down.

It fell apart, bit by bit... this is why I suddenly feel like I'm back at square 1... because I kind of am.

When I feel confident, when I feel beautiful, when I feel full in myself, I THRIVE.

I go out there, my head held high, and I sell myself to the world with every bit of energy I've got. And, when I don't, my whole world comes crashing down around me.

Sure, it makes me sad to think that my life revolves around my feelings of 'self-love' and whether I like my reflection, but it's been programmed into me. The world I've lived in, has programmed me to put my looks at the top of my priority list. I can't seem to erase it.

All I've ever wanted in my life is to feel at peace - to feel happy. All I'd love is to look in a mirror and finally feel like I really like what I see. And, it's hard because, a year ago, I was slowly reaching that point.

Now, I find it difficult to do anything.

I find going out the house hard work because I'm scared people that know me will see me and think I've gained weight, I find going on dates a nightmare because I don't think I have this 'perfect' body that I have been made to feel I should have to make men like me, and I find just doing my everyday tasks, my job, and going to castings, completely exhausting.

So, at the moment, this is what I'm trying to work on - loving myself again, making myself feel good in my own skin.

I'm trying to pick myself up, remember what I'm passionate about and throw myself into it.

I never want someone to come into my life again and have such a catalytic effect. I never want all of my hard work and progress to be ruined by another person.

My focus needs to be Me, my jobs and the people I love.

I want to spend my life feeling beautiful, feeling happy and succeeding the best that I can.

9 comments

Wow, reading this felt horrifyingly familiar. I wasted too much time on someone who didn't value me, and it cost me six months of mental health. You are brave as HELL for putting this out there, and I hope you start to feel comfortable and worth it and fucking AWESOME, because you are.

It must be incredibly difficult to be in an industry that completely bases your worth on how you look and maybe not the best choice for a sensitive soul? You are much more than your packaging and playing to your other strengths might help you to appreciate that. As for attracting a partner, there will always be someone who thinks you are perfect just the way you are- regardless of whether you're heavier or lighter- because they love YOU and not the packaging. And if they don't, #!!# them off and find someone who does��

Most of us probably have periods of feeling like this, and it's always good to know you're not alone in it. I hope you'll soon go back to feeling as confident (and even more) though, because you do have it all! You were one of my fav models to work with, so hope no one/nothing brings you down like this ever again. <3