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Disciplining kids: Why the 'naughty corner' doesn't work

Once hailed as a super-solver of children’s bad behaviour, the parenting technique of "time out" is increasingly being placed in the naughty corner by parenting experts.

While it’s true that research has found that it can be successful in controlling kids’ behaviour – and there’s a television parenting guru who swears by the “naughty step” – evidence is mounting that it may not actually be good for kids, particularly little ones under the age of three years.

The general message to parents from psychologists and early childhood experts is that time out is not the only option to discipline kids; it may not be the best option either.

The growing popularity of time out prompted the Australian Association for Infant Mental Health Inc (AAIMHI) to release a position paper on the technique in 2009, in which it stated that the use of time out with children under three years old – where the child is removed from contact with the parent or carer – is “inappropriate” and it also warned against using it in older children.

What the critics say

The AAIMHI has several problems with the technique including:

It does not teach constructive ways to deal with problems instead teaching separation as a way to deal with problems.

It fails to recognise that young children do not learn self-regulation of emotions by themselves; they need the support of a parent or carer.

Melbourne psychologist Dr Louise Porter, author of Children Are People Too, is also firmly against using time out.

“The message behind 'time out' is that it’s naughty to get overwhelmed by emotion so children are to go to their room until they are prepared to behave themselves and to apologise,” she says. “If we punish children for not knowing how to do this, we are punishing them for being children.

“Would you send a child to their room because they can’t manage to learn how to ride a two-wheel bike? Being able to control emotions is a learned skill, part of a child’s development. It is a parental role and responsibility to teach them this not to punish them when they struggle to learn it.”

Still lots of supporters

Many parenting websites and journals still recommend the use of time out as a way of correcting behaviour and diffusing difficult and emotionally wrought situations.

But most stress that it should not be used as a punishment or as a way to threaten, humiliate, or frighten children, but as a cooling-off period to calm everyone involved, parents included.

If the children are young, it's recommended that they should always remain in sight of their carer, and only be in time-out for short periods – experts recommend one minute for every year of the child’s age.

Research has shown that four- to six-year-olds who are told to remain on time out until they decide they are calm and have thought about how to solve the problem are more likely to change their behaviour in the future than children who simply are put on time out for a set amount of time.

The reported advantages of this disciplinary technique are:

It is a good way to stop disruptive behaviour.

It creates a physical distance between a child and the problem.

Time out gives everyone a chance to calm down.

Alternatives to time out

Unsurprisingly, there’s a method called “time in parenting", devised by Canadian psychologist Otto Weininger, author of a book of the same name.

He says that when children are upset, out of control, rude or angry, what they need most is to be with a safe and accepting adult who is calm and non-punitive.

He encourages parents to say things like like, “I see what you are doing and saying. It seems like you need more help. I am here for you. Let me know when you can manage on your own”.

According to Weininger, a time in may involve taking children out of challenging situations such as fighting with friends or siblings so parents can discuss the unacceptable behaviour and help children learn to choose better conduct.

“Sending children away to get control of their anger perpetuates the feeling of ‘badness’ inside them,” he says. “Chances are they were already feeling not very good about themselves before the outburst and the isolation just serves to confirm in their own minds that they were right.”

Dr Porter has recommends these alternatives to using time out:

The soothing method: Bring them in close, soothe them, say it’s okay, that you understand they’re upset, reassure them they’ll feel better soon, and tell them that you’ll be there for them until they feel better.

Sanctuary time: When children get older they may not respond to cuddles. Parents can help their kids learn self-soothing techniques which could be doing something else or knowing how to remove themselves from stressful situations.