Monday, March 17, 2014

I didn't write about it... or even acknowledge it. But I didn't forget.

On this blog, my page for Gavin reads like he's still alive.

I haven't updated it. But I didn't forget about it.

My facebook page shows my current "career" as a "Happy Mom raising two boys at home."

I haven't changed it. But I didn't forget to.

Part of me is in denial. Eleven months?? It can't be. Sometimes it doesn't even feel like eleven days.

Part of me is angry. I sat down and read Gavin's page on this blog once and it broke my heart. This little boy was robbed. He worked so hard. Made so much progress. Had so much potential. And then... gone. So yes. I'm angry and I'll express it by letting him stay alive on that page. Will it confuse some people who are new to my page? Maybe. But I'm angry about it so I don't care. Robbed, I tell you.

Part of me is determined. Determined to remain the "happy Mom" I always aspired to be. I went from raising two boys to now raising a boy and a girl. I'll always be Gavin's Mommy... but I lost the part of my job that was raising him. I'm not happy with my employer about that. And when I have my "box throwing in the garage" moments, I let him know. But He can take it.

"A lot can happen in a year," I tell people all the time.

And that's true. Very true. I lost a son... gained a daughter.

But a lot can happen in TWELVE years. It was that long ago on this very day that I met Ed.

We fell hard for each other immediately. We didn't want our first date to end... and in many ways, it never did. We've been tested more than most couples, that's for sure. But I'm proud of all the fires we've extinguished... all the hot coals we've had to walk over, hand in hand. We're still here... still handling all that life throws our way...

I'm the positive dreamer - I always think everything will work out the way it should and we'll always be fine no matter what.

Ed's the practical planner - reining me in at times and making sure we're ready for a storm with a proper umbrella.

Basically, we balance each other out.

On April 14th, I will turn 44. And Gavin will have been dead one year. And it will be one year since I somehow knew deep inside that I was pregnant - with a girl - named Hope. I could be in denial about all three of those things. But honestly, I am really only in denial about one.

So everything is going to stay just how it is for now. I will still be "A happy Mom raising two boys at home" and Gavin will still be very much alive on his page and that's just how it's going to be for a while.

That's just how it's going to be...

(p.s. - edited to add - this post was not a message to anyone! It was inspired only by my grief.)

When I read your blog, I feel your heartbreak right along with you. Maybe not as intensely, but I have a little boy, a little boy who is working hard and fighting through his disabilities, and my number one fear is that I will lose him someday. His disease is generally not fatal, but your blog does remind me that anything can happen. So I cherish every moment

good. Whatever you write is perfect....everything about this Blog is perfect......and good for you for not letting expectations of others invade your deeply personal process.(I'm reading between the lines,so if I'm wrong, I'm sorry)Thanks for sharing and letting me know that I can still feel "lucky" and "Blessed" but still be really sad also....that being one doesn't mean I can't be the other. :)

Love it. So many tears I cried with you reading, but never felt compelled to say anything until today. I always think of my Sophie when I read about Gavin, she too touches my soul with her serene presence. Your blog reads as if Gavin's alive, because he lives on. He touched so many hearts, and so many of us love him through your writing. He can (he should) figure on these pages however you see fit. When you are ready to make a change, you will know. <3

I am a mom of 7 two of which havr cerebral palsy age 8 and 7 they work do hard and I feel they are robbed also of doing things other kids do. No comparison to ur grief. I just want u to know how u feek is perfectly acceptable.

Who I Am...

Hi! I'm Kate. I'm a positive thinker, an amateur blogger, a jokester, and a reality TV junkie. I'm also very lucky to be a stay at home Mom to Gavin and Brian. I have a husband that has a big laugh, a big heart and a big talent for cooking. (Thank God) Our life is not always easy, but it turns out it's more than I ever dreamed it would be. I write about Gavin's disability, his miraculous progress, Brian's successful recovery from a peanut allergy and a speech delay, my Rheumatoid Arthritis and infertility journey and our crazy, incredible, roller coaster of a life. I also remember and honor our daughter, Darcy, who we met after 5 1/2 months of my pregnancy.

I feel honored that you're here to get to know us.

Want to know more? Click on each link under the pictures at the top of the page to read our stories...

Thank you for visiting and caring about our family!

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Gavin's Playground Project

Gavin's Playground Project was born from my desire to see an "All Abilities" playground built at Nemours/A.I. duPont Hospital for Children in Wilmington, Delaware. This is the hospital where Gavin spent a lot of time during his life... and where he ultimately died, surrounded by friendly and familiar faces. To mark the one year anniversary of his death, I held a fundraiser on April 5, 2014. You can read all about it in THIS post.

We raised a LOT of money, but not enough for a playground! If you would like to contribute to help make this playground a reality - so no kids will ever have to sit on the sidelines watching their peers play - you can contribute directly to the hospital through the Chasing Rainbows fundraising page HERE. Your donation will go directly to the hospital for the playground and is tax deductible. You can also create your own fundraising team page and start collecting donations in honor of anyone you want!! There is also a mailing address on their page if you prefer to mail a check. Designate your contribution in memory of Gavin Leong - or write in that this is for the playground so your dollars will go to the right place. Thank you for your support of Gavin's Playground Project!

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Gavin's Trust Project

I created "Gavin's Trust Project" to help support Gavin's friends who receive services from the Chester County Intermediate Unit in Pennsylvania. I wanted to continue to try to "make the impossible... possible" for kids like Gavin, knowing well how hard it can be to get much needed "special needs" items. It makes me happy to know that even after his death, Gavin continues to help others. Click HERE to learn more about the Trust Project! All of your donations, big and small, will be added to Gavin's Trust Project to help therapists and teachers get what they need for children in this program. You can write a check made out to CCIU and mail it to: Chester County Intermediate Unit, c/o Deb Hiller, 455 Boot Rd., Downingtown, PA 19335. Please be sure to add "Gavin's Trust Project" in the memo. Thank you on behalf of me and my little superhero!