Going into this month, my boss (pastor) came to me asking if I would be interested in a gym membership. There was an opportunity to get a corporate rate at his gym. They needed 5 and after he and his wife, the worship pastor and his wife, they needed one more. I’m not sure what reaction he was expecting, I think he just asked me out of courtesy, but the look of surprise was unmistakable as I blurted out “YES!” without any hesitation at all.

It’s conveniently located blocks from work (the church) and they have great machines. The locker room is the nicest I’ve seen in a gym with a changing room, so insecure people like me can get dressed. Although, I have been the only one in the locker room every time I have been there so far. What I don’t like is the check-in.

It’s an easy tag on my key ring that I just scan and go on my way. On a computer screen pops up my picture and a lovely “Hello Kris” greeting. Under it though, are the mocking words, “This is your 4th time here.”

Thank You, Thank You very much for reminding me how hard it is to get back in the habit. That I’ve had the membership almost a month and have only made it there 4 times. That 4 times is not enough to see results. I feel like it laughs at me when I check in. Four is better than none though right? The important thing is that I am there. (I have to keep telling myself that!)

The first visit was brutal. Half hour of cardio was not happening, it still isn’t but it’s getting easier. Today I even tried doing some running. I’m sure I looked like a blob, but it was encouraging that I could go faster starting out than I did the last time I started training. Guess I haven’t completely lost all the good effects. Each visit has gotten a little bit easier though. Soon it’ll be the 14th visit, then 40th, then 400th, right?! I’ve just got to get in the habit again.

In the meantime. Enjoy this video. This is so me and I have had every one of these thoughts!

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I have been disgusted frustrated with my feelings about this blog. I know this is a place of support and encouragement, but I have been embarrassed at how horrible I’ve been lately, so I fell into a familiar “ignore it and it will go away” mode that is a complete lie. I’m tired of lying to myself and I didn’t see any good in coming here to spew ugliness. But you’ve asked for it…I really hate the way I look right now. I only see the outside and that isn’t looking so good. I know I need to look past that/through that. Whatever! It’s where I am. I really hate the lumps and bumps that weren’t there 6 months ago. Gaining, losing, gaining, losing, gaining. The weight comes back in ugly places. Ugh!

My sweet cousin started a challenge for her dance group. I crashed it. It started last week and I blew it off…completely! What a way to start a challenge. I tried and failed again?! No! I celebrated my birthday! Serious celebrations! and then I picked up my booty and got busy this week. I’m drinking a tub full of water a day and I have only had 2 DC’s/day. That’s huge for me! I have exercised 2 days in a row for at least 30 minutes. I have a pedometer and I’m even counting my steps – more than 10,000 today. I have a vision board full of motivational things that I’ve posted all over and I’m speaking them out loud to myself every morning, telling myself what I want to become in the present tense as if I’m already there. I am keeping a food diary (love myfitnesspal) and would love an accountability friend on it. I have learned that it doesn’t show weight #’s, only weight lost. It doesn’t show the food I ate, only if I posted for the day, so I’m not going to see any of yours either. What do you say?

Maybe a few months late, but I’m back in the game…Are you ready to brush off all the negatives with me? I’ve got a deep well full of them, but one by one I’m conquering them, and finding me again. If you can’t find me, check the nearest bathroom. I live there now!

Why can’t my weight be like my cell phone, keys, or my son’s soccer cleats the morning of a game? Easy to lose, hard to find/gain!

Inspired by AB I started looking back and trying to find when I was this weight. I had to really go back, a long way back, and yet gaining it didn’t even take half the time. A Quarter of the time! What’s up with that?! It drives me a little crazy to see these little reports about how much a celebrity struggled to put on weight for a role. Brownies and cheeseburgers every day, you poor thing. I’m pretty sure if they are complaining about gaining weight, they aren’t doing it right! It is awesome to eat whatever you want. “Would you like mayo and extra cheese with that? Ummm, of course!” “Throw some chili fries in with that!” Have you ever had a slopper? What? No?! It must be a southern Colorado thing. Take an open faced hamburger, throw a heap of fries on top, smother in green chile, and blanket with cheese. “What do you mean that isn’t on the diet? It’s got protein, dairy, a little bit of carbs. Ok a lot o-carbs! Make the chile really hot and your body will sweat the calories out, right?”

Eating healthy is boring and so much work. Why does it have to be so much work? Shouldn’t the math skills we learned in high school and wondered when we would ever use Algebra, be used to fight cancer or something? Not for figuring out if I have 207 calories left to eat today and 1 cookie is x amount of calories, do I get to dunk them in milk while speeding to point B at 56 mph while driving toward me is the Ice Cream truck travelling at a similar rate of speed but leaving 15 minutes later, what color is the number 7?

Can you tell I am having a rough food day? Maybe if celery tasted like vanilla I wouldn’t be frustrated.

I did get moving this past week……………………………once!

Yep, 1 stinking day for a workout. Pathetic I know! Big Sigh! Deep breath! Refocus! All hope is not lost! Once is better than none! This week we just shoot for doubling that. Small steps to get to bigger steps. I am too prone to frustration right now for not getting a workout in every day or eating well daily. Small goals, small accomplishments to build on and get the motivation going again.

Like this:

The title of this entry is a note to myself. When I started this blog I was devoted. I was not eating sugar/candy/cake/treats. Soda? Rarely. Healthy snacks and gum were my weapons against cravings for all those things I was skipping out on. I was working out at least 3 times per week and I was dropping the lbs in a nice steady manner. Since that first 4 months I gained back 10 of the 15 pounds I lost. How did that happen?!

Here a little and there a little.

“They make the best root beer here. I have earned a night of drinking soda!”

“I have to sample these treats before we deliver them. It’s a new recipe!”

“This is the only chance I have to taste this particular delicious looking dessert.”

“Gah. My kids need me. I don’t have time to go to the gym.”

“Tomorrow will be a better day for getting my workout in.”

You get the idea. Slowly, all those good habits I was building justified themselves right out of existence. The only thing I have been consistent about for the past year is working out, but even then it was only twice a week at the most.

Overcoming my own short comings is the biggest challenge in losing the weight.

I had been avoiding a real weigh in, but on Feb 1st I weighed in, not out of habit, but because I knew I needed a reality check.

More than 2 months since I stepped on the scale and my weight was still in the range of Yuck. I had to be realistic. At best what I was doing was not helping me lose the pounds. My knee had started being sore. My cute jeans were more tight than comfortable. I was tired way more often. I started to blame my clothes for the way they looked on me. Between the scale reading and the way I was feeling, I knew I had to stop making excuses.

So for the next 2 weeks I indulged in nearly everything. The week of Valentine’s Day I did not work out once. I ate everything I felt like eating. I wasn’t trying to lose weight. I just was. Last Friday I had my last lazy day. I went to the store with my husband to get, among other things, ice cream. He asked, “Are you sure you want to get a pint to yourself?” (He is a sweet, subtle man who knows how to talk to me without becoming the target for my anger)

“It’s my last one. After tonight I am not going to indulge myself any more.” Was I justifying? Did I mean it? Honestly, I was not sure. Saturday I woke up resolved. I stepped on the scale again.

That doesn’t even make sense. Does it? I ate like a pig, didn’t work out and lost 2 lbs. But maybe that was fuel for my fire. Imagine what the scale might have read if I had tried that week?! I was ready to go. Then a dessert that I enjoy appeared. I had to decide right then and there if I was going to stick with my plan to avoid treats. Could I?! I managed to walk away but didn’t stop thinking about it.

My weakness is late at night after the kids go to bed, so I concentrated on that battle. If I needed a snack that time of night it was going to be roasted almonds or string cheese or something with protein. It doesn’t make late night snacking as fun, but it was effective. After I eat them I always regret eating desserts late at night. The next temptation in my path was a little easier. Each day I have a little more strength and a little more motivation to eat right.

Monday was President’s Day and I took advantage of not getting any kids ready for anything and went to the gym! I don’t know why but Mondays and Tuesdays are the hardest days for me to figure out how to get a workout in. I’ve managed three workouts this week and I hope to find some active thing to do with my family tomorrow afternoon. If I can plan ahead for then when & where of my workouts next week I know I will be succesful again.

Things are looking up! And my weight…

my weight is down another pound. Thank heavens. I don’t know if all this newfound (re-found) determination could have handled anything less.

I know I’m going to have days when being good is more difficult than others, but I don’t want to let one bad day give me permission to go downhill again. This blog post is titled so that I can find it easily when I’m having one of those difficult-to-stick-to-my-goals days. Losing weight really does feel like a battle…or a war. I need to win it.

Also had a doc appointment this week and did not like what I saw on his scale.

However…

I am making the time for my workouts. Letting the rest of the world live in its chaos while I push the pedals or lift some weights is doing me good…painful good. I think the pain is a reminder that I’m back. No more excuses about having no time to workout.

The pain is also a reminder to stay away from the sweets…or it should be. I am weak! Emotional and weak lately. My kids wanted to watch Marley & Me this afternoon. I protested but gave in. I held my sweet 6 year old boy while he sobbed for the death of the on-screen dog… and I envied his tears. Tears seem useles. Or maybe I’m kidding myself and bottling in the stuff I should be letting go of. Or maybe I just really like chocolate.

Hoping for some good news in the next week and to find a better way to deal with the bad/sad/frustrating/infuriating stuff that comes along.

Like this:

I have been anticipating a week when I will have enough time to go to the gym, to plan our family meals, and when my kids stop needing me to mediate/entertain/prepare food for them. First it was going to be in the weeks between my semester and when the kids got out of school. Then it got pushed back to being the week after Christmas…the week of New Years…when my step-dad gets out of the hospital….when my youngest graduates college and we win the lottery.

Yesterday I took matters into my own hands.

I woke up my teenage daughter, put her in charge of the early bird 6 year old, donned my workout clothes, decided the world could wait an hour for me, and went to the gym for spin class. A setback or two later and I got to class when it was half over. I worked hard and stayed an extra 10 minutes after the class was over to make up for being late. I walked out of that room, toward the front door of the gym, out into the cold sunshine and to my car feeling relief. Stress had melted away. Guilt for not going to the gym was no longer valid. I was motivated to eat better so as not to have wasted my sweat. It was totally worth neglecting my family and finding the kids had made a mess in the kitchen with their “breakfast”. Exercise therapy.

This week…this year I will not be waiting for my to do list to be checked off, for the laundry to be finished, or for my kids to not need me (that might not ever happen – I’m pretty awesome). Instead, I will put me first…at least a few times a week. Life happens. My only goal/resolution for 2013: Stop waiting for the situation to be perfect and give myself some priority.

When I have a plan, I really like to follow it through. When something comes along and derails that plan, I notice I fall apart.

Last week I found out that I will need a minor surgery on my back to excise a mole that the biopsy ruled atypical. It actually has quite a fancy name. I won’t be able to do any exercises for a few days after the procedure on Thursday and nothing with my back for 2 weeks when the stitches will be removed. Then it’s a wait and see when I can get back to it.

So, you know what I did last week? Nothing. No exercises anyway…except the 2-3 pull-ups my son has me do every day. I did nothing. Pathetic really. I could have really pushed myself on my upper body last week and at least I’d have done something to help while I wait.

On a positive note, I DID eat well. I even lost weight…the same weight I keep taking off and putting back on, but at least it’s gone again. I officially weighed in at 170.2 today.

So my new plan is to see if I can treadmill on Friday…and go from there. I will keep eating right, and hopefully I will continue to see my weight drop.

My husband has joined me on my diet and has already lost more than 5 pounds. I am so glad for him, really I am, but at the same time it is so discouraging. I am so jealous of how easy it comes off him. So, I’m also going to work on focusing on my progress and not comparing…harder than it sounds for me.

Like this:

That is all I have left to make the cut for the quarter. Last post I had 2 weeks to drop 4 pounds. Here we are with one week left and as of my weigh in on Wednesday, I have 5 FIVE pound to go!!!!!!!!! FIVE!

Seriously?!?! Mr Scale you are going the wrong way.

It’s going to sound like a broken record along with the other posts this week, but I am right there with ya Miss AB. I got in 3 really good workouts. The kind where you ache after, for a day+ after! That’s 3 times as much as the week before. Yeah, ok so it isn’t hard to do when you only workout once, but it is major considering the schedule I have to work with.

I am in this quandary now. Not even a quandary more like my pattern. Why bother? I won’t make the deadline. Let’s eat out! Curly fries with cheese sauce? Yes, please! I could still do this. It’s possible. Another 30 minutes of cardio! Bedtime before midnight? Hah!! Three kids to three different rehearsals/practices at the same time? Fast Food for dinner? Okie Dokie!! Too tired to exercise?! Just skip it. It won’t matter anyway……….

Here we are. With 7 days to a deadline that could spiral me down. I wish I could just let it go and say, “It’s okay if I don’t make it to the next pay tier. No reason to let it ruin what I have already accomplished. Just keep working. The goal I have has no deadline. It is a lifelong change. Right?”

So why is that so hard to get through my head?

Here we go. New week. Just try to ignore the looming weigh-in deadline next Sunday!

I have 3 workouts worked into my schedule for this week. I hope for more. I withstood the Culver’s temptation on the way home from a long day and the yumminess that is cheese curds. Can I do it the rest of the week? Who knows, but I know I am not starting out well when it is 11:30pm and I’m still up and thinking nachos sound really good right now.

Like this:

September 30th will be the end of the quarter. The Weigh and Win program pays out according to the weight you have lost each quarter. The higher the weight loss the higher the pay out. I am 4 pounds shy of 10% which is the next tier on the pay scale. How annoying to be so close and yet so far!

How do you lose another 4 pounds when you only make it to the gym once in a week? My declaration to make the gym a priority on Monday happened and nothing else. Not because I didn’t want to go. Just not enough hours in a day.

Part of me says to be happy , I’ve lost more than 10% since starting on my journey. That’s something! The sense of accomplishment from having a recognition for doing it is something too. They say to reward yourself when you reach milestones and honestly having that monetary reward in this economy goes a long way to buying a new pair of pants. (In a smaller size!)

Harumpph!

I don’t know what to say. I have no plan. No idea how to fit things in. I just stare at my calendar and wonder how little sleep I can function on. How do you say “No” to your kids or husband so you can workout? I feel so guilty when I do. It takes away from the little bit of time I have from hubby or more time away from home when I have worked all day. With my DH in school, it isn’t very easy to ask if he will watch the kids when he has schoolwork to do. The teens have their schoolwork and activities too. I need another of me to take care of things while I get to a healthy weight. Anyone know how to clone themselves?

On another note….According to little birdie, Miss Rae will be joining us again on Mondays. That’s right, I am calling you out Rae. I am taking that email as a binding contract! LOL!!

I can’t wait to hear how she is doing. She’s probably had an awesome weight loss that will put us all to shame.

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So, I am now over halfway through my phase 1 of the south beach diet. And I just got back from my second workout at Curves. I’ll give you my review on each.

South Beach Diet Phase 1

“What can you eat?” was my biggest question. I’ll tell you it isn’t as hard as I thought to find things to eat. I’ve only had two salads in these 14 days. Breakfasts have included turkey sausages and eggs mostly. Lunches are the hardest in my opinion. Especially if you don’t have leftovers from the dinner the night before. This is where I have had salads, peanut butter and celery and leftovers. Dinners have been widely varied. We’ve had pot roast without potatoes, chicken teriyaki without rice, chicken chili, (we’ve used that to make a few taco salads), stuffed mushrooms, frittatas, steak fajitas without the tortillas, salmon with veggies, turkey breast with green beans, roasted chicken with carrots and broccoli, and spaghetti made with spaghetti squash instead of noodles. Snacks are mostly hard-boiled eggs and sugar-free jello with cottage cheese. Occasionally at the beginning a baby spoon full of peanut butter. Oh and the best treat of all chocolate Shakes!!!

Recipe: (makes 1 serving)

1 cup almond milk

1 1/2 T peanut butter

2 t of stevia

1 t of non sweetened baking cocoa

1 cup ice

Curves review

I am not on the regular curves program. I was really sad to find that out. Their key cards have a program that tells you how long to do each machine and if you are going hard enough and what muscles are weak and need more attention. Darn it. So the curves that I can do is a circuit training. It’s a large room with a bunch of machines and mats in a circle. You just jump in and then the music is timed to tell you when to switch. The machines are on hydraulics so the harder and faster you push the more resistance you get. The mats are just there for whatever cardio you want to do, most people jog in place. I try to high knees, butt kicks, jump rope or punches so that I’m not extremely board during mat times and I don’t feel like my ankles are going to break apart. I am going to have to be my own motivation though. I can see slacking off while going around, in fact I watch other women chat and slack off while doing their circuit.