Joke of the day

Every man needs a go-to joke.

Monday

Joke
N°
5134

Gift Certificate
Doug is talking to his friend at the bar: “I don’t know what to get my wife for her birthday. She already has everything and she can afford to buy anything else she wants.”
“I have an idea,” his friend says. “Make a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it. She’ll probably be thrilled.”
Doug decides to take his friend’s advice. The next day, his friend sees him at the bar again and asks: “Did it work? Did she like it?”
“Oh yes, she loved it,” Doug replies: “She jumped up, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door yelling, ‘See you in an hour!’” Ryan Murphy

Tuesday

Joke
N°
5135

Anglo-Scottish Relations
A man is cupping his hands to scoop water to drink from a Scottish Highland lake when a gamekeeper spots him and shouts: “Dinnae drink the waater! Et’s full of coo’s shite and piss!”
The man replies: “Sorry, I’m from England. Could you repeat that in English, please?”
The keeper says: “I’m sorry, I said use two hands – you’ll spill less that way.” Ryan Murphy

Wednesday

Joke
N°
5136

Mom's The Word
One day, Little Johnny hears a noise and peeks into his parents’ room to check it out. He finds his mom bent over the dresser with his dad going at it behind her. His dad sees and winks as Johnny closes the door.
After finishing, his dad goes to check on Johnny. He finds Grandma bent over the dresser and Johnny going at it behind her. Dad yells, “What are you doing?”
Johnny replies: “It’s not so funny when it’s your mom, is it?” Ryan Murphy

Thursday

Joke
N°
5137

Frigid Relations
Q. How can you tell if your girlfriend is frigid?
A. When you open her legs, the lights go on. Ryan Murphy

Friday

Joke
N°
5138

Big Words
Little Johnny is in class when the teacher says: “Today, we are going to learn multi-syllable words. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?”
Johnny thinks about it for a moment and says: “Mas-tur-bate.”
Miss Rogers smiles and says: “Wow, Johnny, that’s a mouthful.”
Little Johnny replies: “No, Miss Rogers, you’re thinking of a blowjob.” Ryan Murphy

Saturday

Joke
N°
5139

Tootsie Pop
A man saw a blonde eating a Tootsie Roll Pop and asked her: "So, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop?"
"Beats me,” the blonde replied. “But it took the whole morning just to lick through the wrapper." Ryan Murphy

Sunday

Joke
N°
5140

Grocery Shopping
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
“What do you think you're doing?” asks the wife.
“They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,” he replies.
“Put them back, we can't afford them,” demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
“What do you think you're doing?” asks the husband.
“It's my face cream. It makes me look sexy and beautiful for you when we're making love,” replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: “So do 24 cans of Budweiser... and at half the price!” Ryan Murphy