Dating Maze #308: Dating for Marriage

I don't see the point in dating a man I don't plan to marry. Am I wrong?

I'm 20 and people seem to enjoy being around me. Upon meeting someone new, I regularly get remarks like, "You're a lot of fun – we definitely need to hang out more!"

But I have some life goals that make me hesitate about dating, and many of my friends and family think it's odd that I don't really regularly date. My goal is to marry someone Jewish, and I want to date for marriage.

My mother said, “Go have some fun!”

The problem is that there isn't a large Jewish population where I'm going to school. All the Jewish guys on campus seem to either be taken or not interested in me. But my friends and family don't see this as a problem. My mother even looked at me and said, "Well, it's not like you're going to marry the first one you date, so go date and have fun. Who cares if they're Jewish?" I care. I don't see the point in dating a man I don't plan to marry.

Given my circumstances, people have suggested that I date Jewish men when I go home on breaks from school, but I even hesitate to do that. I'm currently laying the groundwork to make aliyah to Israel hopefully in five years. And the vast majority of Jewish men I've met have absolutely no intention of leaving America for more than a short vacation. They're just starting out careers and don't want to leave friends and family. I know the idea of leaving can be hard, but that just doesn’t jive with my long-term plan.

So I want to know: When people tell me that I’m making a mistake, are they correct? Should I just date men here casually to have a good time, knowing that I will never marry them and at some point will have to break it off even if the relationship is going great? Am I thinking about marriage too early? Or am I on a good path?

Ellen

Dear Ellen,

Your letter raises a very good question – whether, even though you prefer to date only for marriage, you should start dating casually because your current (and temporary) life circumstances make it unlikely that the men you would date are what you would consider “marriage material.”

We don't believe that dating is something to "practice" with. That's because one never knows what will develop from even one date. It isn't fair for you to have an agenda of "I'm just using you to gain experience but I really have no interest in anything developing between us," because the other person may want an emotional connection and may start to develop feelings for you. Yes, we know that when two people start to date, it often happens that one of them will develop feelings that aren't reciprocated by the other – but to start off at the point where one of them is dating just to go through the motions is simply not honest.

Sometimes, casual connections evolve into deeper relationships.

And contrary to what your mother has told you, sometimes you do end up marrying the first person you meet. That's one reason we recommend that people who want to date for marriage only go out with people who initially seem to have the values, life goals, and qualities they want in a marriage partner. Even in a college environment, where people often date purely for socialization, most daters are looking for someone they can connect to. Sometimes, those connections evolve into deeper relationships and a young couple that didn't start off thinking about marriage may decide, "We're right for each other and want to build our lives together."

Those connections can develop even between two people who, had they been dating for marriage in the first place, would never thought of going out together. That's because there are many wonderful people in this world, and as you get to know someone who doesn't share your values or your goals for the future, you may still start to admire and respect him, and identify with him in certain ways. And after becoming emotionally involved, you may cause each other heartbreak when you decide that even though this man may be wonderful, you don't want to marry him because of your core differences.

There's also the alternate possibility that once the two of you become emotionally attached, you'll start to rationalize that your own worldview and life goals may not be as important as you once thought, and that perhaps everything will be all right if you decide to marry. Or you may hope that, if the very nice person you're dating truly loves you, he'll make your goals his own. These are very deceptive thought processes. Most couples who marry in spite of their incompatible values or expectations find that these become a continual source of conflict in the relationship. Surely it is naïve and unfair to expect the other person to change the essence of his thoughts and beliefs in order to make you happy.

For these reasons, we think it's a terrible idea to casually date someone who is not from a background or worldview that's compatible with yours. You want a Jewish home and you have a strong connection to Israel. Someone from another faith, or even someone Jewish who isn't interested in his Jewish identity, is clearly not someone you should even consider casually dating.

Having Fun

On the other hand, your mother is right: This is a time to enjoy life. There are plenty of ways to do that without dating, and it sounds like you're a fun person to be around. In addition, it's likely that you can think of a few things you'd really like to do or accomplish that are better done now, before you have to take your life partner into consideration. So take advantage of being unattached and do them. As a 20-year-old college student, you have many opportunities to enrich your life in many different areas – creative, spiritual, giving, fun. This is an opportune time to pursue them.

And, at the same time, it’s a good idea to prepare yourself for the next phase of life when you will be dating for marriage. That means thinking about where to live when you finish college. We suggest looking into communities with marriage-oriented young Jews who are growing in the same spiritual direction as you, and only applying for jobs or graduate schools in those communities. That way, you'll be able to make friends and build social networks with those who relate to your goals and values, and there will be a good pool of potential dating partners. And we do think that, once you finish college and relocate to such a community, the time will be right for you to start dating, as long as you feel that you are otherwise ready to date for marriage.

How does your wish to move to Israel come into play? While this is an important goal in your life plan, we think that you'll find dating difficult if you use "moving to Israel in five years" as a deal-breaker for accepting a date. And we don't recommend that you put things on hold and wait to start dating until you get to Israel.

Be flexible, because life is ever-changing.

You correctly state that there are many young men who have no desire to relocate. But there are a number of young men who would be open to the idea of making aliyah after they finish their education, accumulate some sort of nest egg, and have more work and life experience under their belts. And since you aren't ready to make an immediate move either, it would be a good idea to let potential dating partners know that you hope to move to Israel in the next 5 to 10 years, and that you're looking for a man who is open to the possibility. We encourage you to be somewhat flexible here, because life is ever-changing, and there may be unforeseen reasons why your plans to move may not materialize in the time-frame you've set. Ultimately, it's more important to find a person who shares your goals and whom you can grow with, than to lock yourself into searching only for someone who has a specific goal.

We also suggest getting involved in events by organizations that attract individuals who hope to move to Israel, such as Nefesh B'Nefesh. This may be a good way to meet men who share your hopes for the future. Nefeh B'Nefesh counselors can also help you acquire information about what training and experience Israel may require for the career you'd like to have, what graduate school opportunities may be available there for you, the degree of Hebrew fluency you may need, and what financial and other arrangements can help you get started more easily once you move. You can use this information to set up a game plan that will help you meet your goal of aliyah in a reasonable time frame.

It seems that you've carefully thought about what you want out of life and are doing your best to grow in that direction. We agree with your decision to only date Jewish men who have values and goals that are compatible with you're your own, even though some family and friends may be encouraging you differently. We wish you success in navigating the dating maze.

Featured at Aish.com:

About the Author

Questions for Rosie & Sherry can be sent to datingmaze@aish.com. Due to the large volume of questions received, they are unable to answer each one.

Rosie Einhorn (a psychotherapist) and Sherry Zimmerman (a psychotherapist and former family lawyer) are the authors of the newly-released book, Dating Smart – Navigating the Path to Marriage, published by Menucha Publishers. They are the founders of Sasson V'Simcha (www.jewishdatingandmarriage.com), a non- profit organization that provides programs and services in North America, Israel, and Europe to help Jewish singles and the people who care about them.

Visitor Comments: 14

(14)
Anonymous,
April 11, 2013 9:25 PM

regrets

If I was 20 again I would have been selective on the important values and not focused on superficial issues. I regret that I didn't find my way until my late 30's and now 42 with very few available Jewish men to select from. Regrets that didn't occur to me in my 20's. You're wise to wait until you have a clear path to your future and many Jewish men to choose from.

(13)
Nathan,
March 8, 2011 5:28 PM

I wish

I wish I could even find people interested in dating me. Count your blessings and all the best for finding God's plan.

(12)
Anonymous,
August 25, 2010 6:26 AM

When I say I'm single, it really means I'm single

I suggest dating as in meeting people but I wouldn't get into relationships with them. When I was single, my dating style was exactly like yours. I also don't see the point in getting into boyfriend/girlfriend relationships if marriage isn't on my mind. If I'm single, then I should be single and not obligate myself to being someone's girlfriend.

(11)
Anonymous,
June 13, 2010 2:28 AM

Stay away from non husband worthy men

My daughter is preparing to break up with a nice enough young man because he is "not husband material" (he isn't Jewish), tactful as she will be she will hurt his feelings and will have to deal with an awkward situation. She knew when they started dating the relationship was a dead end.
Does anyone have a good way to tell non Jews that it isn't personal but being Jewish is a must?

(10)
Anonymous,
June 9, 2010 5:55 PM

I read a wonderful quote that applies here. "Don't date anyone you know you wouldn't want to marry because you never know with whom you will fall in love." I had the same pressure when I was single, and I'm just grateful that I found the strength to not give in. My right man doesn't have to compete with a bad past. Ellen, stick to your values, learn, grow, and have fun. When your right man comes along, you won't be sorry.

(9)
Mrs.Epstein,
June 9, 2010 12:24 PM

This is what to do

Finish college quickly (take an overload of credits and take summer classes). Contact Nefesh B'Nefesh to arrange your aliyah flight. Don't date until you get to Israel.Nefesh B'Nefesh could house you in an absorption center in Israel until you get a job and an apartment.

(8)
Anonymous,
June 7, 2010 9:39 PM

Enjoy Growing Old Alone

Waiting until later in life to get married only narrows further your choices of elgible males. Especially, if you're stuck on a jewish male. If you don't make any concessions in life you'll certainly grow old alone. I know many women who let the sweet spot age, the age where the greatest number or elgible males find you attractively elgible, passes by and as time marches on these women found themselves less and less desirable for marriage. Even worse they quickly learn that all their relatives either die or favorite cousins get married and move on and then they are really alone. Alone, alone, as in your best friend is the TV or your pet. I don't have any sympathy for lonely old spinsters who still think of themselves as Miss Universe that won't settle for anything less than Mr. Universe. Go to Israel if you're that desparate, but do something before your fruit goes from ripe to rotten.
I should add that not everyone needs to marry to have a complete and fulfilling life, and perhaps you might be one of them. Hopefully, you won't find yourself constantly complaining to your friends about not having a date or not being married. You'll quickly loose them as well.
Best of luck!

(7)
Anonymous,
May 27, 2010 4:00 AM

like they say advert and consider time in israel earlier

if you are ready for marriage and not using this as a way of not getting involved just go on line and say moving to Israel in 5 years or better yet take a semester and go there early if possible and date there either American who wants to live there or Israeli. no disrespect re parents but u seem to be in a good mindset

(6)
ariel,
May 23, 2010 7:49 AM

age

i live in israel and there are a lot of older singles
so in your late 20s is not old. people that say it is
have not been single for the last past 10 years.
i meet people like her all the time. i wish her the
best of luck. if she would like i am single at this time(lol)

(5)
Rebecca,
May 19, 2010 12:26 AM

My daughter, too!

My daughter is also 20 and 'on hold'... and I am supportive of her decision, as she IS active socially. We live in an area with very few Jewish folks, and hope to move within the next 3 years, in the meantime, I would like for her to travel to Israel AND go to college, but she is hesitant for now. B"H, these things, AND marriage, will come in time!

(4)
Wendy Gold,
May 18, 2010 5:37 AM

Sounds like a good plan, one caveat

Dear Ellen,
I just wanted to throw out one bit of advice after the great responses you received. Try to find a way to date for marriage now. Come to Israel this summer, etc. After you graduate college, you could be considered "too old" to be "marriage material" in a community of people who only date for marriage.

(3)
Malkah,
May 17, 2010 1:54 PM

volunteer opportunities in Israel for Ellen

Dear Ellen,
The best way to meet people who share your values and dreams is to participate in an Israeli volunteer program. You don't have to wait five years to make a valuable contribution to Israel. My top recommendation is www,sar-el.org -- Volunteers for Israel. I have done this program twice and it was fabulous. The web site will give you all the important facts. A second possibility is to volunteer on an archaeological dig. I have also done this and it was extremely rewarding. Go to http://digs.bib-arch.org to learn about current digs. Finally, Federation runs a great program called Otzma. Contact any local Jewish Federation, or call 212-284-6795. You bashert is waiting, and he just might be volunteering in Israel.

(2)
Liebe in Israel,
May 17, 2010 1:46 PM

What is Ellen waiting for? Come home now!

If Ellen is serious about marrying a Jew and living in Israel, NOW is a perfect time to do it! There are wonderful universities here where she could continue her education, and plentiful assistance for young people who want to come and contribute their talents to the development of the Land. She should be in touch with Nefesh b'Nefesh, go to a meeting or speak with her local shaliach, and come on a Birthright trip if she hasn't already. Her husband is most likely waiting for her here, if she will only come.

(1)
Anonymous,
May 17, 2010 5:06 AM

Added a few further suggestions

Ellen should take a vacation to Israel this summer. To put her life on hold because of her goals to move to a place she has never been; best to go there first. 1) it will reaffirm this is something she wants to continue to strive for in the next 5 years. 2) actually meet various people there she can stay in contact with. 3) visit the colleges. 4) do volunteer work in here field of studies there. It's great to have goals, however if nothing is being worked on to materialize those goals; they are just dreams. Nothing wrong with dreams, except sometimes they can be an escape from the here and now. I'm surprise that Rosie and Sherry didn't suggest their dating site to help meet guys in Israel online. Ellen doesn't have a problem with waiting 5 years to start dating for marriage. To have a guy in Israel she is communicating with by E-mail and phone would be a way to get to know each other. Then all dreams can come true with a guy already waiting for Ellen when she makes it to Israel, hopefully in the 5 years as she is planning. Otherwise their dating site may help you to meet an American Jew with the same goals. Rosie and Sherry you two are great at your job! Your advise you give is right on the target. No matter what age, or situation your advise can be applied. You two are good!

I live in rural Montana where the Cholov Yisrael milk is difficult to obtain and very expensive. So I drink regular milk. What is your view on this?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Jewish law requires that there be rabbinic supervision during the milking process to ensure that the milk comes from a kosher animal. In the United States, many people rely on the Department of Agriculture's regulations and controls as sufficiently stringent to fulfill the rabbinic requirement for supervision.

Most of the major Kashrut organizations in the United States rely on this as well. You will therefore find many kosher products in America certified with a 'D' next to the kosher symbol. Such products – unless otherwise specified on the label – are not Cholov Yisrael and are assumed kosher based on the DOA's guarantee.

There are many, however, do not rely on this, and will eat only dairy products that are designated as Cholov Yisrael (literally, "Jewish milk"). This is particularly true in large Jewish communities, where Cholov Yisrael is widely available.

Rabbi Moshe Feinstein wrote that under limited conditions, such as an institution which consumes a lot of milk and Cholov Yisrael is generally unavailable or especially expensive, American milk is acceptable, as the government supervision is adequate to prevent non-kosher ingredients from being added.

It should be added that the above only applies to milk itself, which is marketed as pure cow's milk. All other dairy products, such as cheeses and butter, may contain non-kosher ingredients and always require kosher certification. In addition, Rabbi Feinstein's ruling applies only in the United States, where government regulations are considered reliable. In other parts of the world, including Europe, Cholov Yisrael is a requirement.

There are additional esoteric reasons for being stringent regarding Cholov Yisrael, and because of this it is generally advisable to consume only Cholov Yisroel dairy foods.

In 1889, 800 Jews arrived in Buenos Aires, marking the birth of the modern Jewish community in Argentina. These immigrants were fleeing poverty and pogroms in Russia, and moved to Argentina because of its open door policy of immigration. By 1920, more than 150,000 Jews were living in Argentina. Juan Peron's rise to power in 1946 was an ominous sign, as he was a Nazi sympathizer with fascist leanings. Peron halted Jewish immigration to Argentina, introduced mandatory Catholic religious instruction in public schools, and allowed Argentina to become a haven for fleeing Nazis. (In 1960, Israeli agents abducted Adolf Eichmann from a Buenos Aires suburb.) Today, Argentina has the largest Jewish community in Latin America with 250,000, though terror attacks have prompted many young people to emigrate. In 1992, the Israeli Embassy in Buenos Aires was bombed, killing 32 people. In 1994, the Jewish community headquarters in Buenos Aires was bombed, killing 85 people. The perpetrators have never been apprehended.

Be aware of what situations and behaviors give you pleasure. When you feel excessively sad and cannot change your attitude, make a conscious effort to take some action that might alleviate your sadness.

If you anticipate feeling sad, prepare a list of things that might make you feel better. It could be talking to a specific enthusiastic individual, running, taking a walk in a quiet area, looking at pictures of family, listening to music, or reading inspiring words.

While our attitude is a major factor in sadness, lack of positive external situations and events play an important role in how we feel.

[If a criminal has been executed by hanging] his body may not remain suspended overnight ... because it is an insult to God (Deuteronomy 21:23).

Rashi explains that since man was created in the image of God, anything that disparages man is disparaging God as well.

Chilul Hashem, bringing disgrace to the Divine Name, is one of the greatest sins in the Torah. The opposite of chilul Hashem is kiddush Hashem, sanctifying the Divine Name. While this topic has several dimensions to it, there is a living kiddush Hashem which occurs when a Jew behaves in a manner that merits the respect and admiration of other people, who thereby respect the Torah of Israel.

What is chilul Hashem? One Talmudic author stated, "It is when I buy meat from the butcher and delay paying him" (Yoma 86a). To cause someone to say that a Torah scholar is anything less than scrupulous in meeting his obligations is to cause people to lose respect for the Torah.

Suppose someone offers us a business deal of questionable legality. Is the personal gain worth the possible dishonor that we bring not only upon ourselves, but on our nation? If our personal reputation is ours to handle in whatever way we please, shouldn't we handle the reputation of our nation and the God we represent with maximum care?

Jews have given so much, even their lives, for kiddush Hashem. Can we not forego a few dollars to avoid chilul Hashem?

Today I shall...

be scrupulous in all my transactions and relationships to avoid the possibility of bringing dishonor to my God and people.

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