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Subject: Internet Oracularities #1167
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=== 1167 =================================================================
Title: Internet Oracularities #1167
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler
Date: Mon, 12 Jun 2000 17:20:42 -0500 (EST)
To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to
participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help"
in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)
Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message). For example:
1167
2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1
1162 80 votes 5rve3 2nze6 enng4 dlpi3 cbks9 6hyg7 dipi6 3lsk8 9hikg 68ftm
1162 3.0 mean 2.8 3.0 2.7 2.7 3.1 3.0 2.8 3.1 3.2 3.7
--- 1167-01 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Tim Chew"
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Wisest Oracle, shiny path of both Peru and Finland,
>
> Would an alien race that is NOT mammalian and primate in
> nature have "religion" as we understand it?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
}
}
} Alien 1: Bah wheep grannah wheep, ninnie bong...
}
}
}
} Alien 1: ...just don't know anymore. I mean, what does it all really
} mean?
}
} Alien 2: What the hell are you talking about?
}
} Alien 1: No really, since we gained space-faring capacity twenty-seven
} solar cycles ago, we've visited, what, twenty, thirty civilized
} sentient species? And we've conquered and eaten all of them. Sure,
} it's a great life, but is this all there is to it?
}
} Alien 2: Whoa dude, I think you should just pass me the pipe man
} because that's enough for you.
}
} Alien 1: C'mon. You can't tell me you haven't thought about it.
} You've heard the creatures crying out to invisible beings before we
} eat them. Didn't you ever wonder why?
}
} Alien 2: Insanity is the predominant trait among sentients. We're the
} exception, you know that.
}
} Alien 1: No, listen. I've been running some of the tapes through the
} computer and I'm pretty sure they believe in some sort of all-mighty
} spirits. They believe these spirits are their creators and protectors.
}
} Alien 2: What?? The Universe exists in a black hole created in another
} universe from really dense matter defecated by a dying Fthnargian
} Carrion Bird. It's been mathematically proven.
}
} Alien 1: But what if we're wrong? What if there is a creator? How can
} so many species believe in a higher power if it's not true? Take this
} planet we're surveying now, they've got over 1100 seperate religions!
} I've been translating their communications!
}
} Alien 2: What?! You're nuts! For all we know that species could be
} insane and their madness could be contageous!
}
} Alien 1: No! They're not mad! They have many powerful deities!
} They have Jesus, and Buddha, and Regis, and Ghandi, and something
} called the Inter-collective Computer Network Oracle...
}
} Alien 2: Look, all those "deities" are probably nothing more than
} glorified politicians. I bet most of them are just war heroes elevated
} to an honored memory.
}
} Alien 1: You think so?
}
} Alien 2: I'd put money on it. I bet this Ghandi person was ruthless
} tyrant who conquered and slaughtered billions.
}
} Alien 1: Wow. He sounds great.
}
} Alien 2: Besides, we're scheduled to descend on this planet in two more
} cycles. They'll all be eaten and you'll forget about this whole thing.
}
} Alien 2: I guess you're right. But, when we descend, I got dibs
} on "Regis."
}
}
}
}
} You owe the Oracle an anatomical digest of the green chicks from
} Star Trek.
--- 1167-02 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Kirsten R. Chevalier"
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Have I ever told you about the pure, unmitigated hate I have for one
> liners?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Did I ever tell you about the supplicant who was so fat he jumped into
} the water in Florida and a beach flooded in Morocco?
}
} You owe the Oracle a better try. If you're going to get digested you
} better hurry up, time's running out Mr. Hope.
--- 1167-03 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Mike Nolan
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Most Wise Oracle, you are older that the Elder ones, you
> are swifter than a fax, you are smarter than all the things
> yet born,
>
> How will Micro$oft's relocation to Canada affect things?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} MICROSOFT TO BUY CANADA
} Experts Predict Legal Trouble Over Monopoly on Eskimos
}
} Redmond, WA (AP)--
} In a bold move yesterday, Microsoft (symbol: MSFT) CEO Steve Ballmer
} announced his company's plans to acquire Canada, "a leader in the
} socialized medicine and hockey industries," according to Microsoft's
} press release. However, industry insiders predicted more trouble for
} the embattled software giant in the form of additional attacks from the
} US Department of Justice. DOJ spokesperson John McAnklesworth outlined
} an interesting proposal in a press conference late yesterday.
} "The existing plan to break Microsoft up will be modified to take into
} account their new monopolies on polar bears and surly Quebecois. This
} will most likely involve a breakdown into a total of five 'Baby-Bills,'
} as we like to call them, ha-ha."
} In a retaliatory press conference set for tomorrow, Ballmer is expected
} to attack these measures as "anti-innovation" and "bad for business."
} Janet Reno could not be reached for comment, but an alert photographer
} with a telephoto lens took a picture of her in her office with an
} ear-to-ear grin and slavering, apparently in anticipation of her next
} strike against Microsoft, while watching the press conference.
}
} You owe the Oracle Sam Donaldson's toupee in exchange for this fine
} piece of journalism.
--- 1167-04 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Wise Oracle Most Extraordinary & Whimsical,
>
> Is synchronized swimming really a sport?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} More than some, Supplicant. Athena and Zeus got blotto once at one of
} Dyonysus' legendary Olympian Games parties, and she started complaining
} about them being all-male affairs and that women could do just as well
} given the chance, and Zeus said he'd see what he could arrange, but
} hold your hounds, ok?
}
} Remember, the athletes were all men. They competed naked. Athena was
} the first goddess who had complained...
}
} ...and Zeus was always complaining. But believe me, if you were a top
} god with a one-track mind married to a goddess like Hera, you'd be
} complaining, too. It got to be embarassing after a while - the Romans
} even made a sitcom called Capitol Affairs out of it that had Juno
} declaring that Jove was a difficult Canem to keep on the Porticum.
}
} The plan for this new Olympian trial-sport eventually foundered when
} the water-nymphs decided not to take part. They weren't exactly famous
} for their modesty, even in a place where a wisp of
} strategically-located gauze was standard formal dress for
} upwardly-mobile young godesses, but drew the line at spending 10
} minutes waving their legs in the air for spectators to appreciate their
} skills, if you see what I mean.
}
} You owe the Oracle a campaign on late evening TV chatshows to return
} the Olympic Games to its roots, ie, Greece, and naked. With
} synchronised swimming at prime time.
--- 1167-05 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Tim Chew"
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oracle, most insightful, what was the worst movie ever made?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} "Beloved."
}
} Now, don't get me wrong. I have nothing against Toni Morrison, nothing
} against Oprah Winfrey or any other high- or low-profile names that
} attempted to grace the screen with their presence. But under no
} circumstances whatsoever should this film have been made. Consider the
} formula they used:
}
} Read book ---> Thought it was good ---> Wrote script ---> Forgot that
} few others have read book ---> Test audiences who had read book liked
} it ---> hit box office ---> bomb makes direct hit; box office sinks.
}
} In other words, anyone who hadn't picked up a copy of the text found
} themselves at a complete loss, and ended up apologizing to anyone they
} happened to bring along. As such, it has now become a world-wide
} recognized measure of how bad a movie is. Example:
}
} "'Wing Commander' _sucked_!"
} "As bad as 'Beloved'?"
} "Well ... no ... compared to 'Beloved', 'Wing Commander' is
} Shakespeare."
}
} Just be glad that "Beloved" as accomplished three things:
}
} 1. Ended Oprah Winfrey's film career for quite some time
} 2. Has provided a planetary measure of failure.
} 3. Is also the worst movie in the history of the known universe, so
} that's one more thing that's out of the way, and now humanity can
} concentrate on the more important things in life, like ... er ...
} something more important.
}
} You owe the Oracle a good quantifier for #3.
--- 1167-06 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Dave Hemming
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh Oracle most wise, Whose soggy leftover cereal is greater
> than I, a most unworthy supplicant, Whose toenail clippings
> hold more wisdom than any mortal could ever dare even
> dream of attaining, at whose presence the lights in the
> room dim, What, oh Oracle most awesome and wise, is your
> system archetecture, whether Intel, or Alpha, or other, more
> arcane chip?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Do not bother me with that simple Intel or Alpha crap. My system
} architecture uses the very fundamental forces of the universe!
} I can not wait for those huge, lumbering electrons to plod their way
} along, instead my chips use the subatomic particles released by
} splitting the nucleus. I use none other then fission chips!
}
} You owe the Oracle some tartar sauce.
--- 1167-07 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Dave Hemming
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Wise Oracle most acrid and trim,
>
> How can I die happy?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} First you need to catch him. You're in luck because Happy is the most
} heavy-set of the dwarfs; therefore, with a little bit of tinkering you
} should be able to set up a deadfall trap that will trigger under his
} weight but not under the weight of the other, smaller dwarves.
}
} Transporting him from the trap to the dye vat could pose a problem--the
} dwarfs tend to stick together, and are pretty determined in getting
} each other out of trouble. The easiest solution--rather an elegant one,
} actually--would be to put the dye vat INSIDE the deadfall trap. That
} way, he'll fall directly into the vat before any of the dwarfs realizes
} what's going on, or has the chance to help him escape. There's the
} chance that he won't stay in the vat long enough to ensure a rich, even
} color coat, but those are the risks you take.
}
} You owe the Oracle a silken lace and a poisoned comb.
--- 1167-08 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Otis Viles
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Hey, Oracle, that bit about inventing the internet didn't go over
> very well, and the "Love Story" bit was a washout, too. What should
> I claim now?
> -Al
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Elian as a dependent.
}
} You owe the Oracle a fishing license.
--- 1167-09 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab"
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> oh great internet oracle who knows all and sees all, at least when you
> are not sticking your head into a giant jar of Miracle Whip, asnwer
> please my confounding condundrum...
>
> What the heck is with that moron in front of me doing 45 in the left
> lane of the highway, and how come I can't get over to pass him?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} The Oracle, and all the others on the parkway as well, are far more
} concerned about you using your laptop to send me messages as you
} drive.
--- 1167-10 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Tim Chew"
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh Oracle most wise,
>
> Where can I find a bug sniffing dog to check my programs for errors?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} You're asking a lot here, my brave little supplicant.
}
} The bug sniffing dog was first bred by the ancient Aztec people, who
} had a severe problem with beetles infesting their maize and salami.
} They noticed that certain dogs were very good at determining which
} food held the young beetles (or "larvae," as we experts say) merely
} by smell. Thus they bred these dogs together and produced what we
} now call the "proboscis-insectetector terror," or "bug sniffing dog"
} for short.
}
} Bug sniffing dogs are rare at best. You can't find them in your local
} pet store, as I'm sure you've discovered already. It's true they're
} more common in South America these days, and they can be sometimes
} found on the black market, but the most promising course of action
} would seem to be a letter to a local canine breeders' association and
} explain the situation. If they haven't heard of bug sniffing dogs,
} don't argue with them - they might bite you.
}
} Oh, be sure to point out in the letter that you want the dog to be
} pre-trained in C, C++, Perl, and whatever other languages you're using.
} If you forget, you're liable to have to teach the dog yourself, and
} I know from my own experience that training a dog to debug Perl can
} be a real bind.
}
} You owe the Oracle a fungus-touching cat to check my questions for
} in-jokes.