How To Tell They are Not Changing Abusive Behaviour

(For "he" also read "she" if the abuser is female)

How can we tell if they are not changing abusive behaviour, even
when they appear to have made changes, have maybe attended a course,
or made some other show of commitment to change? The following have
been collected from the experiences of our message board members,
as examples of how to tell they are not changing abusive behaviour,
mabe just changing tactics!

How to tell he is not changing abusive behaviour by what he says:

He says "I can't change unless you do." Which means that
he's trying to get you to agree to give up your rights and freedoms
in exchange for him not abusing you. Also stated as "I've changed,
but you aren't changing"; "I'm not the only one who needs
help". He tries to get sympathy from you, family members, and
friends. He is still lying to you, the children, your family or other
people about what he's done. He continues to attempt to cover up what
he's done to you and the children. He won't acknowledge that it was
wrong. He doesn't seem sorry that he did it, he only seems sorry that
he has suffered some consequences for it.

He refuses to let the subject of his abuse come up or gets angry
when it does. He won't discuss his controlling behaviors and attitudes.
He still tries to deny it, minimize it, excuse it, or justify it.
Defends his behaviors He insists you just get past it.

Not changing abusive behaviour is going
to occur if the underlying beliefs which allow him to be abusive are
still in place.

He plays victim. He says "How could you do this to me.?"
He still blames you for all the problems. He is overly charming, always
trying to remind you of all the good times you had together and ignore
the bad. He tries to buy you back with romantic gifts, dinners, flowers.
All while trying to convince you that you need to stay together to
work it out.

He will not get help or He says he'll get counseling or other help,
but never does. Or he does and tries to convince you that he's cured
and you need to take him back now. "Now that I'm in this program,
you have to be more understanding." Or "I'm learning a lot
from this program". If a man is pressuring you this way, then
as soon as he gets back in, he will most likely drop the program.
This is why it's so critical, if you're considering taking him back,
to watch his behaviors, to talk in depth, and to give it time. Sometimes,
instead of counseling they will suddenly claim to have found God;
he goes to church a few times.

He cries and begs, they particularly like to do this in a public
situation so that you are embarrassed and appear to be "cold
hearted".

How to tell he is not changing abusive behaviour by the way he acts:

Other ways which show he is not changing abusive behaviour can include
the things he does to try to sabotage your efforts to make it on your
own.

He harasses or stalks you. If you ask him for space or time, he refuses
to allow you to have any and continues to make contact in any way
he can. Harassment by phone calls, threats, legal frustrations, showing
up at work, hanging around family.

He continues to restrict your rights. He still behaves as if he's
superior. You aren't able to express yourself and speak freely. He
still demands constant attention, won't allow you to take care of
your own needs. He still picks at you and criticizes you, and ignores
your strengths and contributions to the relationship. He doesn't support
your independence, still refuses to acknowledge that you have rights.
He hangs on to double standards. He is still denying you your fair
share of the marital assets, money. He puts his wants and needs above
yours.

He doesn't recognize the damage he's done. He gets angry with you
over the consequences you've suffered over his abuse. He's mad or
seems confused as to why you fear him, don't trust him, are hurt,
and angry. He tries to get out of the consequences by trying to convince
you that something's wrong with you for allowing him to have any consequences.
He behaves as if he's above reproach. He claims that he would never
hurt you, despite that he's done many things to hurt you. He's mad
that you left, instead of recognizing your right to have done so.
He still acts like you owe him. He's impatient or critical with you
for not forgiving him immediately, for not being satisfied with the
changes he may have already made, especially if he hasn't made the
changes you requested, or hasn't changed but claims he has.

He's only concerned with how hard the situation is for him, and no
one else. He feels sorry for himself. He doesn't show appropriate
concern for how you and the children feel about what he's done. Abuse
does more than just hurt, it is damaging, and if he doesn't show appropriate
concern for the damage he's done, then he hasn't changed.

He shows that he is not changing abusive behaviour by continueing
to still do things that are inappropriate for an intimate relationship.
Cheating, not including you in family decisions, hoarding all the
marital assets - money, property, cars, stocks, bonds, etc. and won't
allow you to have access to them.

He says he can only change if you help him, he wants emotional support
and forgiveness, and give up your break from him.

He says I'm changing but you can see that he's not. He gets angry
with you for not realizing how much he's changed. He gets angry for
not trusting that he's changed for good. Abusive men often say I'm
sorry then get mad if you don't immediately forget what they did,
he thinks his sorry resolves the matter and it should be dropped and
you should just move forward.

He pressures you into taking him back because he "can't wait
forever".

One easy way to spot that he is not changing his abusive behaviour
is if he continues to be rude about you to the children, or undermines
you in front of them. Playing the bad father.

He threatens and tries to intimidate you. The next step of behavior
if you don't stop trying to ask him to change is generally one of
threats and attempts to intimidate. This will often include threats
to attack family and friends, threats to kill you or "put out
a contract on you." Threats that he will take the children away
or get custody of them himself, or threats to kill himself. All signs
that he has no intention of changing how he is. This is then his choice
of how to live his life.

(This article has been lifted from Rhiannon3.net and
modified slightly)

Related Pages:

Recommended Reading:

Lundy Bancroft has written what is
probably the most comprehensive and readable book on domestic violence,
the beliefs of the abuser and the dynamics of abuse. This truly is a MUST READ
for anyone seriously trying to understand domestic abuse and how to cope with
an abusive relationship:

Living with the Dominator by Pat
Craven is the book to accompany the Freedom Programme in the UK. This book
should be compulsory in schools - the information is so clear and so obvious
and such an eye-opener! After studying domestic violence issues for years, this
is the one book which finally enabled me to click it all into place and answer
all my whys. Just read it: