Dear Baby New Year ...

Dear Baby New Year 1979,Hi Baby New Year my name is Jeff and I’m 7 years old and my mommy and daddy said I can stay up to watch the ball fall with Dick Clark and my friend Jessica Plotzberg is coming over and we can eat candy all night my mom says.

Dear Baby New Year 1989,So psyched for tonight. Junior year New Year’s Eve! We’re going to Adam’s house, his older brother got us some Bud Dry beer balls, and it is gonna to be bitchin’! Adam’s got a hot tub, too, and I hear Jessica Plotzberg is going to be at the party. That’s right. Jessica Plotzberg. Totally going in the hot tub with her! So clutch. I hope “Pour Some Sugar On Me” comes on the radio when we’re hot tubbing. Well, maybe not that song. Don’t want to remind her of that New Year’s Eve when we were kids and I hurled on her after eating too many Pop Rocks.

Dear Baby New Year 1992,New York, baby! Oh yeah. We’re hitting a private party up the old Studio 54. This is going to be most triumphant. Going to be the best New Year’s Eve ever, no question about it. Better than last year, and totally better than Adam’s party back in ‘88. That was not good. I got ripped on Bud Dry, fell into the hot tub, puked on Jessica Plotzberg. I had to book outta there. This year, though, watch out. I’m even wearing that suit I just got. The double breasted hunter green one, with the shoulder pads. Totally boss. And you know what else? Steve told me that Jill told him that Bobby told her that Jessica Plotzberg broke up with her boyfriend at Tulane and she’s going to be at the party! I’m playing it cool, but if “I Wanna Sex You Up” comes on when we first lock eyes … ooof, don’t want to jinx it.

Dear Baby New Year 1995,Hey man … what’s up man … going to be a cool year, this year. Headed out on tour with the Grateful Dead for the first time next month. This is going to be my life, man, just seeing the world, hanging out, watching the Dead. Meantime, New Year’s Eve tonight? Chill affair. Just hanging with my buds. (Heh-heh. Buds. Double meaning, future Jeff dude.) But yeah, tonight, man? Not like it used to be. For instance, remember that Studio 54 party? Terrible night. It was so crowded, we all looked like Color Me Badd in those stupid suits, I booted after too many Zimas. I felt real bad for Jessica Plotzberg. I mean, once is bad luck, twice is nuts, three times is just cosmically insane. All right. Peace man. Sugar magnolias, blossoms blooming. You know it, man, you know it. It’s all just a box of rain.

Dear Baby New Year 2006,It’s so funny looking back at these past entries. The drinking, the partying, the throwing up! Stupid kid. Well, that’s New Year’s Eve, though. We’ve all been through it, one way or another. Tonight, though? Dinner with my wife and a few other couples at this great Asian-Italian fusion restaurant, champagne toast at midnight, then bed. And yes, one of the other couples features good ol’ Jessica Plotzberg, now Jessica Plotzberg-Rosenfartz. Haven’t seen her since New Year’s Eve ‘95, when we were both total wannabe hippies. I remember coughing so hard after inhaling a big … well, let’s just say I ruined her Birkenstocks.

Dear Baby New Year 2007,Two things I can guarantee this year: I will not order the “Hundred Year Old Duck Egg in Garlic Marinara Sauce” appetizer and Jessica Plotzberg-Rosenfartz will go out of her way to make sure she’s not sitting next to me.

Dear Baby New Year 2013,Hi my name is Jeff and I have a 3-year-old and a 1-year-old and I haven’t had a full night’s sleep in years and my wife and I are inviting a few friends and their kids over for a New Year’s Eve party at 5 p.m. everyone out of the house by 7:30 p.m. and Jessica Plotzberg-Rosenfartz sends her regrets. Her kid has a stomach bug.