Ask Brent: Grain, Industrialization

What is the most effective way of taking grain from Kulaks? And how do I industrialize my country in, oh, let’s say 5 years?

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Ah, an excellent question, Joe, and one I am asked quite frequently.

You see, Joe, the trick in stealing grain is to not to do it yourself. For if you are caught, history has taught us, your own grain will be taken in a month’s time. Beyond this, it is important to take the grain gradually, so as not to arouse suspicion. It is for these reason that I always recommend that grain be taken by means of a certain subordinate agent.

Now, we can all recall the Great Grain Heist of 1987 in France, in which François Bourguignon famously stole 800 “tonnes” (882 tons, for non-commies) of grain from mills hundreds of miles away using a small army of chickens that he had trained for almost two decades. Unfortunately, the chickens ate most of the grain they stole on their respective treks home, so M. Bourguignon was able to capture only roughly 16 pounds of grain in total (delivered to him without delay by his most loyal chicken Ambroise).

Take that for what it’s worth, Joe, but I’d say his method’s probably worth another shot.

Industrialization, Joe, is often treated as some sort of complex topic. But, in fact, it is only a matter of a few simple flicks of the wrist. I call it “The Reagan Method”:

First step: Starve your people.
Second step: Televise all your meals to make them real hungry.
Third step: Tell them you won’t starve them anymore if they work really hard.
Fourth step: Give them a bunch of metal and tell them to make machines.