To Tell or Not To Tell

Like the embryo itself, we wanted to keep the news wrapped up and protected.

Everyone crowded around the computer monitor to get a glimpse of little Amber and coo over how cute she is, and how she even resembles her mother! Earlier in the day we had treated my co-worker Julie to a leisurely lunch, and presented her with a card crammed with congratulatory messages, along with a pink receiving blanket. This was followed by doling out home-made chocolate cake in the office boardroom.

I was very happy and excited for my co-worker, but I was struck by the fact that Amber wasn't even born yet.

I compared the ultrasound image jumping out from the monitor with the one I had viewed a mere hour earlier in the hospital – of my own baby. Mine was only three weeks younger than Amber, without a name, and without a known gender. To me, the two images were indistinguishable – each showed five fingers per hand, a large head, an amorphous torso. They were generic fetuses, without any personality, without any characteristics that made them appear unique.

Although my wife was seven months pregnant, no one at my workplace knew. In fact, even most of our friends and relatives didn't know. Like the embryo itself, we wanted to keep the news wrapped up and protected.

"Hey Jack, how are the little ones?" a colleague I hadn't seen in weeks shouted across the hall, the day before I planned on finally telling my supervisor.

"Everyone's fine, thanks for asking."

"You have four, right?"

“That's right, thank God."

"Any more on the way?"

Not wanting to lie, I hesitated and answered evasively: "I love children, but these things are not up to me. They're up to a Higher Power, a Higher Intelligence."

After a sincere "congratulations," and inquiring how far along my wife was, came the inevitable, wide-eyed reaction from my supervisor: "You mean, you kept it a secret all these months?!"

"Actually, it wasn't a secret," I stammered. “My wife knew... Besides, unlike Julie, I had the choice..."

I told my supervisor we were expecting two months before the due date.

I felt like I needed to apologize to my supervisor, like I needed to justify my well thought-out decision to keep the exciting news to ourselves until two months before the due date.

I tried to explain that in my culture, we don't flaunt things, we don't take things for granted, and we don't entice the "evil eye." And that the only reason I was telling my supervisor then was so she would have enough time to look for a replacement while I went on parental leave.

"So, would you want a celebration – like we had for Julie?" she probed sensitively. "I can buy a kosher cake, and –"

"I appreciate your thoughtfulness," I interrupted, "and certainly a little celebration would be called for, but not before the baby is born."

I was on a roll. "In fact, in my Jewish community, we don't even say 'congratulations' upon learning of a pregnancy. We express our wish that the baby and mother be healthy, that the labor should go smoothly, and that the baby arrive at an auspicious time."

Later, as the news spread like wildfire, one co-worker (a religious Christian) approached me: "I'll pray for you." That was the best – indeed the only – type of reaction I needed or wanted at that time.

Not Taking Things for Granted

Withholding the Big News, for us, was an exercise in not taking things for granted. In my Jewish community, people make minimal preparations for a birth; purchasing only the immediate essentials, such as a few newborn diapers and maybe a can of formula. From a psychological perspective, this makes eminent sense. Imagine the expectant parent – fraught with excitement and anticipation – who has a stillbirth (God forbid). Imagine the devastation – and how it would be compounded by coming home from the hospital to face an empty crib, complete with the baby's name beautifully embroidered on the soft cushion.

Withholding the Big News is also an act of modesty that affords a measure of Divine protection. The Torah says that "God will command the blessing for you in your hidden storage places" (Deut. 28:8), which implies that once things become visible to the eyes, they are more at the mercy of natural forces.

An Exercise in Sensitivity

In an ideal world, bringing a new soul into our community is a joy for all mankind. But we do not live in an ideal world.

There are many people – women, as well as men – who desperately long to have a child. They yearn to experience parenthood, to be able to hold and cuddle a crying baby they can call their own. But for whatever reason, this blessing has been denied them. It is heart-wrenching. Others are still single and feeling the anxiety of a ticking biological clock. When we casually flaunt our own children, we add to their pain. True, they should not be harboring such feelings of envy. But given that we are human, it is natural that one person’s blessings could arouse resentment at those who feel denied.

For my wife and me, not revealing our little secret was an exercise in sensitivity and care.

Part and parcel of living in this world is to be responsive to the emotional sensitivities of others. For my wife and me, not revealing our little secret to most of our relatives and friends was an exercise not only in self-discipline but in sensitivity and care.

Besides the hurt that we may cause others, the negative energy that emanates from their hearts, whether intentional or not, can work against us. That’s why we are more careful to “protect” a small fetus – so fragile and susceptible to even the slightest barrier to its proper growth.

At the Right Time

Which brings us to the central questions: Whom to tell, and when?

Common courtesy dictates that we tell those who are closest to us first. But there is a proviso: there should be a purpose in telling.

The guideline that my wife and I followed is to tell those we believe are most likely to be genuinely happy for us – close family and friends, those who already have children, or young newlyweds.

On the other hand, we did not go out of our way to conceal the news from everyone else. If the conversation naturally led to it, it was perfectly fine to disclose. That was not flaunting –that was respecting the relationship.

At the same time, we didn't need to go out of our way to let the whole world know of the burgeoning treasure in our tummy. People found out in due course.

On January 30 (25 Shvat 5771) the author’s wife gave birth to a beautiful baby boy named Carmiel Chayim. Mazel tov!

Visitor Comments: 14

(14)
Anonymous,
June 28, 2011 6:40 PM

On the other hand...

Withholding news of a pregnancy from someone who is themselves longing for a baby can be even more hurtful than sharing it. Unless you cut them out of your life altogether, they will find out eventually - at the very least once the baby is actually born - and then the feelings will be even worse. Having been in this position myself (thank G-d we have since been blessed and are expecting our first in a few months) even though it is hard to find out someone is pregnant when you are not, it is even harder not to be told and to find out through other channels. As if their ignoring you will make the awkward moment of them actually breaking the news disappear. It just gets more awkward and it hurts more to know that you have purposely not been told. As if it he pain that you have yet to merit the blessing of a child is not enough, now it gets rammed home by the silent statement that "we're not telling you because you don't have a child yet and we don't want to hurt you".

(13)
Anonymous,
February 15, 2011 6:35 PM

thanks i needed that!

i usually tell people im pregnant when i have to justify my throwing up all the time....but with this pregnancy BH i havent had such a hard time- and i keep resisting the urge to tell people already although im so excited!.... thanks for the words of encouragement and self-discipline! i really needed them!!!

(12)
Anonymous,
February 15, 2011 2:55 PM

easy for a man

It is easy for a man to "hide" the upcoming birth of a child, not so for a woman. By the time you need larger clothes you have to tell your co-workers or people will be concerned about your health.

(11)
Laya,
February 15, 2011 10:27 AM

the burgeoning treasure in our tummy

This line speaks to the sweetness in the union of this couple; a whole other level not even addressed in this article but apparent nonetheless and a shining light in this world.

(10)
Anonymous,
February 14, 2011 2:26 PM

My first child was born after 3 1/2 years of marriage and despite the pregnancy being full term the delivery was traumatic and my child was terribly hurt. Today the problems are quite apparent. Subsequent, to this birth I was faced with secondary infertility for many years. Some time later Hashem has blessed us with another child. My husband and I did not broadcast this pregnancy and did not say anything to anyone until the baby was born thank G-d. When people did hear the news, the initial response was "why didn't you tell me?" when the response should have been "mazal tov". No one should be judgemental unless they have traveled the miles that many of us have,until with the help of Hashem, are able to achieve a viable pregnancy.

(9)
Uriela,
February 14, 2011 1:21 PM

Parents have a right to decide

The parents have a right to decide whom they tell and when ... but when they don't because they are fearful, it means they don't trust God ... and lack of trust has its own repercussions ... the Torah is full of examples.

(8)
Anonymous,
February 14, 2011 1:12 PM

You think it's RUDE???? Shame on you...

I'm horrified that people think it's "rude" to not tell about a pregnancy. There is no child to talk about until the moment of birth, and the pregnancy is a very personal and intimate physical reality for the mother and father. The decision should be left to them with no selfish nonsense from others about being left out of a personal physical reality they aren't directly involved with. Having gone through a painful fertility history myself, I find it is much easier to not talk about the potential child with anyone, unless absolutely necessary, so that I don't have to go around telling one distant relative after another what happened when I need to spend that energy coping with my own grief. Anyone making judgments and pushing others to tell to avoid being "rude" should grow up and get a little humility.

(7)
Anonymous,
February 14, 2011 9:16 AM

who and how to tell

I agree with the comments that it is hurtful to exclude the infertile or single. It is hard enough for them to have to bear the challenges they have been sent but then to feel that they are considered a nebach by you on top of that and not capable of dealing with your good news is even more hurtful. Even so in my view it is always better to tell people by phone. It is easier to express/fake pleasure over the phone make an excuse to run off and come to terms with it in your own time than be faced with a great big belly and no escape. Your relationship to the one you are telling is the key factor. If you genuinely believe they will put an ayin hara on you for telling them do you also believe they can't do this when they notice you are pregnant or mysteriously have another child?
I agree that there is no need to flaunt it to the world, post it all over facebook etc. That is hurtful to those who are infertile or who have just miscarried. But telling someone sensitively and at an early stage shows that you value them and want to share what is important in your life with them because they are important to you.

(6)
Anonymous,
February 14, 2011 5:46 AM

Not sure either..

When I was pg with my oldest, my husband wanted to wait until the baby was born to get everything. The store owner (also religious) saw my anxiety and said "when a boy is to become a bar mitzvah do his parents refrain from giving him his lessons and buying his tefillin until he's 13? To do so implies a lack of trust in Hashem." The crib was delivered. It was such a relief to know it was in place when the baby was born. For a new mother to come home and have to start arranging those things on top of caring for a newborn for the first time...is beyond stressful. The store owner put things into perspective.

(5)
Anonymous,
February 14, 2011 4:08 AM

It's okay to let your mother know

When my older daughter had been married three months I dreamed she was pregnant, but though she didn't come right out and deny it, she left me with the impression she was not. But she was! At the fifth month of pregnancy, she finally realized she had to tell me. I should have noticed, she explained. That would be difficult, as we live two states apart. But even though she tries not to tell me, Hashem informs me through my dreams when she is expecting. Frankly, I think it's okay to tell your own mother!

(4)
Been Through It All,
February 13, 2011 10:26 PM

I Completely Disagree

As someone who got married in their 30's, went through infertility and is FINALLY expecting, BS"T, I understand more than most people how it feels to be in each situation. For my husband & I, being left out of somebody else's happy occasion was THE WORST THING ANYBODY COULD HAVE DONE! Of course, hearing that Hashem was giving somebody else what we were davening for was hard. But, not being told felt like the ultimate betrayal, like adding salt to a deep wound. When we finally got pregnant, my husband & I had many discussions of who to tell and how to tell them. We had never discussed our struggles with anyone, but people kinda guessed that things were difficult for us. We are so glad that we told people because we were surprised & humbled by how many people are genuinely excited for us. From our Single friends, to family friends to my siblings' friends, to co-workers, everybody seems to be genuinely happy for us. We told lots of people, yet, we also decided not to tell those people who left us out when announcing that they were pregnant. While I'm sure that it wasn't their intention, they truly hurt our feelings and exacerbated our pain. We have forgiven, but we did not forget.

(3)
Betty Moses,
February 13, 2011 4:00 PM

I think good news should be shared with those near & dear to you.It only brings about a surrounding of positive feelings, love & mazal.

(2)
Jassie,
February 13, 2011 3:06 PM

not so sure

Living in the Orthodox community, I see different extremes. One woman i know doesn't even tell her mother-in-law until seven months into the pregnancy in passing conversation because of ayin hara- and I happen to think it's quite rude, as does the mother-in-law. While I agree with the general Jewish attitude of not flaunting, i don't really see how telling people is "flaunting". A birth is rightfully exciting, as is a pregnancy! We don't hide birth, why hide pregnancy? With my firrst baby, I followed the community norm and didn't prepare at all for baby. This time around, I plan to be more prepared. Honestly, i don't buy the argument about not preparing because imagine if something happens and you lose the baby. UM, i think I'd be devastated whether or not I already have the car seat ready and things stocked up. i dont' think being a little prepared would make coping THAT much more difficult. And in the 99% chance that I come home with a healthy baby, I don't want to be planning all the basics while i'm in pain, groggy and exhuasted. I was also very sick with this pregnancy and not acting like myself, so telling certain people early made it clear i wasn't angry at them or ignoring them, just not feeling well. Overall, I agree with the article, but there needs to be a delicate balance. I think people can get a little crazy about keeping mum and really end up hurting people close to them.

(1)
May,
February 13, 2011 10:29 AM

Oh, no...

While I agree with the main point of the article, I vehemently disagree with the distinction made between people who should be told and those who shouldn't.
If you have two equally close friends, one an older single and the other a mother – do you tell only the later? Do you have an idea how hurt the single friend is going to be when discovering that the married mommies were told…but not she, the single girl? Talk about negative energy!
I was in this very position a short while ago, and I choose to tell those closest to me – never mind their family status. Of course, the telling shouldn't be too effusive or long, but they should be made aware that, as they are considered close friends, we feel they are entitled to know our little secret, whether or not they have children themselves.
Believe me, the pang of envy they might feel will be NOTHING to what pain and anger they will experience when they find out they've been left to find for themselves…presumably because they would have been unable to share their friends' happiness!

I just got married and have an important question: Can we eat rice on Passover? My wife grew up eating it, and I did not. Is this just a matter of family tradition?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

The Torah instructs a Jew not to eat (or even possess) chametz all seven days of Passover (Exodus 13:3). "Chametz" is defined as any of the five grains (wheat, spelt, barley, oats, and rye) that came into contact with water for more than 18 minutes. Chametz is a serious Torah prohibition, and for that reason we take extra protective measures on Passover to prevent any mistakes.

Hence the category of food called "kitniyot" (sometimes referred to generically as "legumes"). This includes rice, corn, soy beans, string beans, peas, lentils, peanuts, mustard, sesame seeds and poppy seeds. Even though kitniyot cannot technically become chametz, Ashkenazi Jews do not eat them on Passover. Why?

Products of kitniyot often appear like chametz products. For example, it can be hard to distinguish between rice flour (kitniyot) and wheat flour (chametz). Also, chametz grains may become inadvertently mixed together with kitniyot. Therefore, to prevent confusion, all kitniyot were prohibited.

In Jewish law, there is one important distinction between chametz and kitniyot. During Passover, it is forbidden to even have chametz in one's possession (hence the custom of "selling chametz"). Whereas it is permitted to own kitniyot during Passover and even to use it - not for eating - but for things like baby powder which contains cornstarch. Similarly, someone who is sick is allowed to take medicine containing kitniyot.

What about derivatives of kitniyot - e.g. corn oil, peanut oil, etc? This is a difference of opinion. Many will use kitniyot-based oils on Passover, while others are strict and only use olive or walnut oil.

Finally, there is one product called "quinoa" (pronounced "ken-wah" or "kin-o-ah") that is permitted on Passover even for Ashkenazim. Although it resembles a grain, it is technically a grass, and was never included in the prohibition against kitniyot. It is prepared like rice and has a very high protein content. (It's excellent in "cholent" stew!) In the United States and elsewhere, mainstream kosher supervision agencies certify it "Kosher for Passover" -- look for the label.

Interestingly, the Sefardi Jewish community does not have a prohibition against kitniyot. This creates the strange situation, for example, where one family could be eating rice on Passover - when their neighbors will not. So am I going to guess here that you are Ashkenazi and your wife is Sefardi. Am I right?

Yahrtzeit of Rabbi Moses ben Nachman (1194-1270), known as Nachmanides, and by the acronym of his name, Ramban. Born in Spain, he was a physician by trade, but was best-known for authoring brilliant commentaries on the Bible, Talmud, and philosophy. In 1263, King James of Spain authorized a disputation (religious debate) between Nachmanides and a Jewish convert to Christianity, Pablo Christiani. Nachmanides reluctantly agreed to take part, only after being assured by the king that he would have full freedom of expression. Nachmanides won the debate, which earned the king's respect and a prize of 300 gold coins. But this incensed the Church: Nachmanides was charged with blasphemy and he was forced to flee Spain. So at age 72, Nachmanides moved to Jerusalem. He was struck by the desolation in the Holy City -- there were so few Jews that he could not even find a minyan to pray. Nachmanides immediately set about rebuilding the Jewish community. The Ramban Synagogue stands today in Jerusalem's Old City, a living testimony to his efforts.

It's easy to be intimidated by mean people. See through their mask. Underneath is an insecure and unhappy person. They are alienated from others because they are alienated from themselves.

Have compassion for them. Not pity, not condemning, not fear, but compassion. Feel for their suffering. Identify with their core humanity. You might be able to influence them for the good. You might not. Either way your compassion frees you from their destructiveness. And if you would like to help them change, compassion gives you a chance to succeed.

It is the nature of a person to be influenced by his fellows and comrades (Rambam, Hil. De'os 6:1).

We can never escape the influence of our environment. Our life-style impacts upon us and, as if by osmosis, penetrates our skin and becomes part of us.

Our environment today is thoroughly computerized. Computer intelligence is no longer a science-fiction fantasy, but an everyday occurrence. Some computers can even carry out complete interviews. The computer asks questions, receives answers, interprets these answers, and uses its newly acquired information to ask new questions.

Still, while computers may be able to think, they cannot feel. The uniqueness of human beings is therefore no longer in their intellect, but in their emotions.

We must be extremely careful not to allow ourselves to become human computers that are devoid of feelings. Our culture is in danger of losing this essential aspect of humanity, remaining only with intellect. Because we communicate so much with unfeeling computers, we are in danger of becoming disconnected from our own feelings and oblivious to the feelings of others.

As we check in at our jobs, and the computer on our desk greets us with, "Good morning, Mr. Smith. Today is Wednesday, and here is the agenda for today," let us remember that this machine may indeed be brilliant, but it cannot laugh or cry. It cannot be happy if we succeed, or sad if we fail.

Today I shall...

try to remain a human being in every way - by keeping in touch with my own feelings and being sensitive to the feelings of others.

With stories and insights,
Rabbi Twerski's new book Twerski on Machzor makes Rosh Hashanah prayers more meaningful. Click here to order...