RANT!! *trig?*

I spent hours and hours and hours today typing up Psychology notes for my AS retake (yeah, AS retake, fucking pathetic :dry: I was ill on the day last summer so I only took it in the first place in January, if that makes it any less pathetic). The exam is on Tuesday :dry:. I only need to revise Social Psych, because that's the paper I fucked up last time, but there's a lot to it. I typed around 5,000 words, twenty-something pages. That's less than half of what I need to do.

I was sick of typing so I decided to print off all I'd written. Get my boyfriend or someone to quiz me for an hour or so, give my fingers a break.

The printer wouldn't work. Then the printer worked but neither computer would. All the meanwhile my boyfriend is being completely UNhelpful and I was getting more and more wound up. I always go mental around exams. Probably largely because I can never motivate myself to revise until the last minute. This is one reason why I hate myself. Even yesterday... I started typing, then got invited out for a "jazz cigarette", which turned into four, then I came back here, drank a bottle of wine, watched a film, and went to sleep. Useful :dry: .

I am going crazy here. Or, I have already gone crazy. When it didn't work even after 45 minutes of fiddling around and about a dozen attempts, my boyfriend said "does it even matter that much?" because I was getting frustrated. That's about the least helpful thing... ARG!

So I "went to have a shower", meaning that I went to cut my legs up in the shower. Then I drank half a bottle of wine in about five minutes. I have another glass balanced on my laptop. And I am still so wound up I can't think straight, never mind actually revise and take anything in. I just have a lot of pain in my legs! :sad:

Fuck's sake. Fuck. FUCK!

And tomorrow I have to waste at least 2 and a half valuable hours of cramming time to go to therapy. i.e. to go and see some woman who tells me every week I was seduced, not sexually abused. Great.

High school/College (not sure which you are in) is alot of work and you will find yourself pulling your hair out daily. I am not sure this will help but, wait until you get into the working world. You will will you had school again. So I guess my point is that there is a specific time when school is over so try to keep that in mind. Also, you can only do the best you can, don't make yourself crazy over things. I hope you stop cutting as during stress like this I suspect your cuts are frequent and deeper than normal. Feel free to send a screaming pm to me daily if it would help. Take care.

I can't stop crying now, I'm just so fucking pathetic. I have ended up in this hole of pathetic self-pity and I can't stop it. Why does everything go wrong for me? Why is my life always so hard? Why do good people like my grandma die of cancer before she's even 60 and why do bad people like my mum's ex just get to go about their business walking all over people and doing what they like?

oh darling, im so sorry you feel this way. you're not pathetic because you're resitting your exam!
Everyone goes nuts at exam time, i know a lot of people who get stressed/depressed at this time.

You're boyfriend prob doesnt know how to act around u when you're upset. he prob doesnt realise that hes doing the wrong thing.
You should let him know that hes not helping (but dont shout at him) show him how to handle you for future cases.

Im sorry it led you to go cut. *cwtches*
you know crying is a good thing, get it all out! plus it makes your skin really soft, honestly!

Thanks for the support and advice sweetheart *cwtch*. You really are a lovely person you know. Your "friends" are idiots for not clinging to you like limpets :tongue:.

I have basically decided to give up for today. I can't focus. I wish I didn't have to go to "therapy" tomorrow. It's bad for my mental health, I'm sure of it. And when I have an exam the day after it's a real pain in the arse. It takes at least 2 and a half hours out of my day anyway, but I have a horrible feeling that it's going to get me in a state and then I won't be able to revise after the appointment either.

I do have to go though. I need a new presciption, aside from anything else .

I'm going to fuck this exam up again, I know I am. I need an A. I got a low B overall last time because I got a B on paper 1, nearly full marks on paper 2, and a D on paper 3 (the one I'm retaking). I feel like I'm gonna do worse this time, not better. I need to get at least a B on this paper because I need that A. If I screw up every single one of my A2 exams in a few weeks then I will be annoyed but it won't matter 'cause I have next year, but if I fuck up my AS resits this time around then I won't have the right AS grades to put on my UCAS form. :sad:

It's okay, take some time off from papers. Sometimes its better, lets you get more perspective on what you're trying to say. I know that sometimes right after I've written something and I proof read it I don't notice things because I know what I was trying to say. Like in one paper I wrote incest and decease were a growing danger to crops. Because I was relying to much on spell check and couldn't really read the words anymore.

I'm sorry that therapy doesn't help you. Could you go to another person? Maybe that would help. . . . Good luck with school

Couldnt you resheudual (sp?) the appt. or do u need ur tablets on that day? if you can move it, i would, just explain to him/her that you need to revise and going there is going to hinder you're exam.
You know if it helps, i had my doctor write me a note for one of my a/s exam resits (i didnt need to resit cause i already had an A but i wanted more points lol) but anyway i was able to have a bit more time to do the exam, cause they knew of my circumstances and its soo hard to concentrate when ur suffering from depression, so they thought i'd need more time to actually sit and get into the exam.
Maybe you should see into that? i didnt go through with it after, but it may help you.

Oh and go on and on and on as much as you like! thats what this forum is for really init?

I bet you that going to that git is making you feel less focused on revising! and as monkey said up there ^^ is it possible to see someone else? =/

Do you have any "rituals" or anything that you do after your appt? maybe you could do something that relaxes you to get your mind off the doctors and then you can start to revise. 1-2 hours revision is better than none at all.

Hammockmonkey, incest and disease made me laugh :laugh: so thanks for that. I know exactly what you mean too. I got to that point with the typing today. I realised that the last few pages I didn't remember anything from at all .

Tara, thanks again for replying and generally being nice to me :hug:. I have a few tablets to spare on the other side of tomorrow so I think I am going to phone up in the morning and say I need to reschedule to later in the week. If she can't do it, she'll have to get me a prescription somehow. I doubt she'll care really. I don't think she reckons I'm much of a concern :dry:. It will be week 3 in a row though. But hey.

I have a note from the psychiatrist (not my therapist, someone I never actually get to see who seems much nicer ) for Special Considerations, meaning I get to take my exams in a room on my own. Extra time sounds nice, but it's a little late now. I'm pleased I'm in a seperate room though. I always hated exam halls even before the anxiety disorder!! :tongue: