How Could This Happen To Me?

This was not supposed to happen. Not to someone in their 30s, not to someone who had dedicated their life to health, wellness and fitness. Not to a microbiologist turned personal trainer and yoga teacher. Nope. That’s not how things worked. I had practically guaranteed good health and quality of life well into my 90s.

Although the first 3 decades of my life hadn’t necessarily been easy, I had faced, and triumphantly overcome, varying challenges including caring for a terminally ill mother, a mentally ill sibling, and owning my own business in the mix.

I was capable, resourceful, intelligent and had a proven track record I could deal with some of life’s ugliest moments.

But… I did have this one requirement underlying it all… One necessary ‘condition’ that allowed me to be the ruler of my world: my health.

My personal credo was:

I can deal with anything life throws at me

So long as I have my health…

One must have health if they want to be in control of their life, right?

The one thing I believed was absolutely necessary for me to face any and all challenges life threw my way – my health – was taken away. Never to fully return to its prior pristine state.

All these symptoms and more appeared in an unpredictable pattern that made it impossible to figure out a way to manage.

Interspersed were days where I felt relatively ‘better’ (as in, being 75%).

Gone were the days where I experienced a pain-free day.

My life spiraled into one continuous chaos.

I could not care for myself – basic self-care like showering, laundry, dishes, groceries, putting gas in my car, not to mention going to work… every single thing required inordinate amounts of energy of which I had none.

I’d try to do my dishes and tidy up but the exertion was too much and would land me in bed for days. Doing groceries AND carrying them home became a herculean effort. I’d force my body through my Mon-Fri job only to lay comatose for 48 hours before repeating the torture.

I fell into a deep, dark hole.

My future looked grim and my hopes began to dim.

I had no assets to fall back on, I wasn’t married and my family had distanced themselves, while the prospect of being able to work in any career was looking difficult.

If I couldn’t maintain a job and basic self-care, what was next? A caregiver? Social assistance? And further than that? What would the rest of my years look like?

I felt doomed and hopeless. I could see no possible positive outcome for my future.

I kept waiting for the universe to shift, for some external force to change my life.

My thoughts consisted of “if only” statements.

If only… I had enough money I could hire help around the house with domestic duties.

If only… I had a different job, one with a less toxic environment I’d manage better.

If only… I didn’t have to work at all, that would be the answer.

If only… I had a spouse, someone to lean on, my life would be easier.

I was angry. Bitter. Pissed.

I kept wondering where was all that good karma I had put out into the world all those years? All those countless acts of kindness and being a caregiver for family – didn’t they count for anything?

I was a good person. I had assumed that good karma meant what goes around comes around and now that I desperately needed help, it ought to appear.

And then…

One of my pivotal moments (there were several in a series over time) arrived in the form of a quote that I saw on social media:

A bird sitting in a tree

Is never afraid of the branch breaking

Because its trust is not on the branch

But on its own wings.

-Unknown

I realized I was focusing only on the branch… on the earth being taken out beneath my feet, on some external force changing my circumstances and hadn’t for a moment considered my own power and role in my life.

Because of the assumption that health equaled freedom and power I took the absence of full health to mean imprisonment and powerlessness.

I realized I thought I didn’t have wings because I didn’t have my health.

I thought my circumstances dictated my destiny.

But I was wrong.

The power lay within me, not outside of me.

My life was determined by me; how I reacted to those circumstances, my perspective, my mindset, and choices were all up to me.

Health, while being precious and a privilege, was not everything.

I stopped worrying about the ‘branch’ and began cultivating trust in myself.

Instead of looking ahead to the future and wondering ‘How will I manage? How can things get better?’ I chose to focus on my strength and resilience; on the fact that I was still on the planet and breathing in spite of it all.

I have wings. I have power.

Maybe not the way I used to or how I imagined it, or what I would prefer, but so long as I am breathing, I am a living force.

The same is true for you, dear friend.

The life force that you are is everything. THAT is what directs your life.

You are a conglomerate of cells; a conglomerate of energy; you direct that energy whichever way you wish… so spread your wings and trust in the power that you are.

About The Author

Hello, my name is Kaliopi. I am a Life Coach and Mind-Body Coach. I help men and women redirect their care and energy into themselves, particularly for those who put their own needs last.
My own personal journey of dealing with an autoimmune disease and radically changing my life has led me to where I am now: helping others transform illness and adversity into empowerment while living with authenticity, meaning and awe.
Want to know more? I can be reached at either of the following: kaliopi@kaliopinikitas.com or www.kaliopinikitas.com

Wow! Your story is inspiring and moving to say the least. The fact that you could overcome the devastation of losing health and still remain positive, humble and grateful is beautiful. So many of us fear losing our health, our ability to be independent, losing loved ones that we can’t imagine that we can be resilient in the toughest of times. I salute you in your journey of self-discovery and sharing your insight with the world :-)

Aww… Sumi, what a lovely message to receive. Thank you for your kind words.
I’ll tell you, it hasn’t been easy but it has been a revelation and utterly freeing to see that one’s essence is all one needs.
The life force that you are is everything- I sincerely believe that.
Thanks once again for taking the time to comment, Sumi.
Warmest regards
Kaliopi

Sarah, YOU are beautiful and inspiring!
I love your uplifting comment and life perspective – you always have the strength of your wings and they never let you down.
I’m glad you enjoyed the article and took the time to respond, it means so much.
Thank you
Kaliopi

Yes, most of us get devastated and feel like the life is just over. Your these inspiring words have really inspired me a lot that one should not lose faith and trust in God and in yourself. Just get up, turn the head up and move on!

Hello Heena,
I know exactly what you mean… the feeling that life is over, but it really is not.
You are pure life force, pure energy (even if we feel we have less of it, some days)… And still get to experience this journey called life.
I am certain that your presence still radiates now as strongly as it ever did.
Many thanks for taking the time to respond.
All the best!

This is so powerful and I can relate so much. I don’t have an autoimmune disorder but I do have a genetic disorder and my health issues affected my view of myself for a long time (people would make a lot of assumptions about me, my intelligence, my mental health because of it). It is important to know that you are so much more than your health issues (it is like the branch).

Thank you so much, Alex.
I am delighted that you, too, shook up your ‘new norm’ and that you enjoyed my story.
Keep directing that powerful energy and life force that you are wherever YOU choose.
All the best!

Hello Chelsea and thank you for your words.
Indeed, every person meets with pain along the journey of life, but they also have a story of triumph; in fact, I’ll bet they have several.
Thanks again; your comments about vulnerability and bravery bolster my courage to keep sharing.

Thank YOU, Beth, for your words and uplifting affirmation.
You’re exactly right, our illnesses/bodies/etc do not define us; they are only one part.
Thanks again for taking the time to read and comment.

My branch is being unemployed. I have been so focused on getting a jog so I can pay my bills and support my family, I was starting to undervalue myself. It all culminated in a job offer that sort of insulted me. I asked myself “Am I really worth that little?”. I need to find my power again too. I am alive, healthy and still here and realizing that I have already stepped into my own!

I am so delighted that my article inspired you and reminded you to not undervalue yourself.

Losing one’s employment cuts straight to our survival fears; it’s scary and normal to feel anxious over the fact… but I’m certain if you were to list out all your life triumphs, all you’ve accomplished and overcome thus far, and the countless experiences where you discovered you were far stronger than you ever thought possible, you will tap into the force of nature that you are and be able to see that you have infinite possibilities before you, and if anyone can figure a way to out – a way to put a roof over your head and feed your family – it’s you.

In moments like these, it can feel like our choices and possibilities are so limited; that the power lies outside of us in changing our lives for the better… but the truth is, we’ve only temporarily lost sight of how powerful we are.

Best of luck and thank you so much for taking the time to read and comment.
It inspires me to keep writing and sharing my stories.

P.S. You never know, this may be a blessing in disguise… leading you to a job and future that perhaps you’ve never dreamed of.

Hi Kaliopi, what an inspiring story. While I’ve had perhaps a similar experience, I think it is the quotation which provided the turning point which sums this article up. I’m a long-time admirer of people’s responses to adversity and yours has been particularly positive and encouraging. Well done on your response, your resilience and your strength. Kindest regards, Pete