Taking the highly-competitive Indian to a whole new level, a matrimonial website has launched an All-India, All-Caste and All-Complexion competitive exam for aspiring Brides and Grooms. This great service to the youth will now make the future easier for girls who are tall, dark and ugly, and boys who don’t have an Engineering Degree.

Keeping up with the latest trend of fierce competition and marks-oriented judgement, a matrimonial website has decided to conduct AIJE—Another Intimidating and Judgemental Exam (pronounced ‘aayi-ji!’) to make the process of selecting a life partner even more complicated and biased as compared to existing Indian standards.

Mrs. Sathe, an elite high-caste Brahmin and founder of www.abshaadikiumarhogayi.com announced this decision last week at a glittering press conference held in Sainik Farms. Explaining the idea behind this exam, she said, “The next logical step in an Indian’s life after education is arranged marriage. If the standards for getting a good education are based on marks, then why not apply the same for a life partner too? After all, what is life without cut-throat competition and judgement, hain?”

Amidst approving nods, Mrs. Sathe confided, “When my brother’s wife’s sister’s daughter Kavita, returned from Amrika to find A Suitable Boy, she had to face so many rejections because she was tall, dark and intelligent. It was bringing so much shame to the family. We thought our noses will be definitely cut now, until my son Rakesh—he’s in IIT you know—came up with this superb idea of conducting exams for marriage. He said, ‘Mummy, don’t be so old-fashioned. How can you decide a person’s worth if they don’t have a mark sheet?! You should conduct a competitive exam.’ So all of us elders decided it was time to bring revolution to our country and launch an all-India exam. Once Kavita tops the exam—I will personally coach her—she will find a Husband and finally be able to show her face in public again!”

The exam pattern: Mrs. Sathe and her team of leading matrimonial experts have designed this unique test, which compares the scores and résumés of candidates, and picks out the most compatible pairs. The exam consists of a written round of MCQs with options: a) Yes b) No c) Will ask Parents d) I’m an NRI. This will be followed by Personal Interviews and finally Horoscope Matching. The first round will be conducted online, and the interviews will be held at specialised centres across the country. The test algorithm is currently being coded by Rakesh and his gang of highly eligible bachelor friends at IIT.

An enormous database of candidates has been prepared and categorized according to religion, caste, status in society, package, complexion, height, education, romantic history and many more such vital factors for choosing a life partner. The result of a groom-selection process gives a computer-generated list of five potential candidates.

On enquiring about offering choices instead of the perfect match, Mrs. Sathe answered, “Arrey bhai after all, decision they will only make no? We are very open-minded! We are only eliminating problems like inter-caste marriage and premarital you-know-what. All our recommendations go through an intensive background check and have Pure-Character certificates! All other decisions like shaadi ka muhurat, wedding planner etc. you will only make!”

Mrs. Sharma, bestselling author of How to Find Grooms and Defeat Neighbours,said in a statement to the press, “People all over the country are breathing a sigh of relief! Now no parent will ever have to face the shame of an unmarried child again. Mrs. Sathe is doing a great service to the youth; especially to girls who are tall, dark and ugly, and boys who don’t have an Engineering Degree. They will find a match through this system, without having to go through the pain of rejection and ridicule in society.”

For further motivation, the website has announced scholarships for Top-50 Meritorious candidates, to pay for dowry special incentives and health insurance for future marital disputes like domestic violence etc. Moreover, special prizes like designer saris and all-expense-paid foreign trips for exceptionally bright candidates have been declared.

As Aunty-folk all over the nation are rejoicing, one particularly relieved aunty adds, “I was so worried about my children being single forever. They have gotten all these crazy ideas of love and courtship and compatibility from those wicked foreigners! We are just simple Indians, obediently following our culture. After all, arranged marriages are an ancient Indian custom!”

“Don’t be too over smart. It’s because of all those books you read! All this Darcy-Varcy is just Western superstition. It has poisoned your mind. You youngsters think you are too modern for all this? I am knowing that nowadays, some Indian boys are having hi-fi girlfriends before marriage only, just like the Amrikans! But beta, afterwards they are wanting to settle down with nice, homely and pure girls only no? Now go practise your Namaste in the mirror. You must top this exam!”

Meanwhile, Rakesh has filed for a patent and is looking forward to marital bliss as soon as he gets a job.

The Marriage Market of wedding planners, brass bands, caterers, Bollywood stars etc. is looking forward to more job opportunities coming its way in the near future. Moreover, a new addition to this community is expected. Former Miss India, Tanya Mishra, has announced her decision to launch coaching classes for aspirants.

After a failed brief stint in Bollywood, Mishra is now engaged to a rich NRI and is considered quite an authority in the field. She explains, “My coaching centre will offer exclusive training in the art of grooming, cooking, personality development, sanskaar, sari draping, etc. This is a great opportunity for me to give back to my country, all the wonderful qualities that had been given to me when I won the crown. I would like to thank my parents, fiancé and Mother Teresa who is my inspiration.”

Aspirants all over the country are gearing up for this challenge and preparations for the exam are in full swing. The AIJE will be conducted annually, starting June 2012. Application forms are available at your nearest place of worship or can be downloaded from the website.

This article is by Apoorva Tapas, and has been edited by Brototi Roy. Both Apoorva and Brototi are interning with NTMN in our 2012 Internship-cum-Training Program.

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