It's interesting the report focuses on the old people's homes rather than the "luxury flats and shopping centres" he's also going to build. I wonder why.

Oh... it's so that Gordon can do some shtick:

Westlife had a hit with Home in 2007 - now maybe all Shane's showbiz mates will be looking forward to their twilight years in one of his properties as he expands his empire?

I can imagine LOUIS WALSH Zimmer-framing around as SIMON COWELL whizzes by on his luxury mobility scooter.

Yes. Yes, you keep imagining that.

Naturally, there's a Cheryl Cole story from her bedside with nothing much in it. Supposedly, she's refusing the private hospital food in favour of stuff her Mum's bringing in:

A source close to the GIRLS ALOUD singer said: "It's definitely helping to cheer her up.

"There were things like quails eggs on the menu. But fancy foods aren't Cheryl's way."

The made-up story then goes on to stress how working class Cheryl is, while explaining how she's not eating from the menu in the luxury, private hospital in the centre of London where she's receiving the best treatment money can buy is. It's effectively like being treated down a mine, I guess.