I agree you have to view places from their point of view. At one point my MIL with advancing dementia was in a lovely care home, with big gardens and a glorious views of the countryside down to the coast, a room with a bird table outside, etc etc, and she was utterly and totally oblivious to it - couldn't have cared less. It just wasn't important to her.

Their world is closing down and down and down, and getting smaller and smaller.

I visited my MIL this last week, and though she just about recognised me across the lounge as I waved at her and came in, her eyes soon drifted away even when I was with her and talking to her....until one of the staff came in and she brightened immediately and beckoned him over. HE was far more 'important' to her than I was....and that is both sad, and reassuring in a way. Her 'world' has shrunk to a tiny space in what is left of her poor mind now.

Thankyou both for that. I can see just what you are saying Jenny, is also happening to my Mum - and the long stay in hospital has massively accelerated the change. She's gone from eagerly anticipating her day centre activities and getting herself dressed, just a few months ago - to virtual immobility.

Bowlingbun - they will assess for CHC - Manchester now has a Joht Wirking Agreement with care homes where the assessment is done either at hospital or at the home. They said if the placement is delayed they will start the process in hospital. And all the notes from hospital will be taken into account.

I also expressed that I was concerned that no assessment had been done around the progress of the dementia.

Alison, I know it's sad, but if you think about it, they are 'preparing to die'...ie, to leave this world. Isn't it better that they are far less engaged with this world?

It's as if we were somewhere on holiday, and by the end of the holiday we just didn't particularly want to be there any more, we'd 'done' the place.....and we are perfectly happy to board the plane and fly off.....

Far worse for her if she has to think 'I'm going to die in the middle of enjoying myself'......far better that life has become 'empty' for them, so they don't miss it as they slip away.....

Almost impossible for us to think that, as we are still 'so alive' and really want to engage with life still. We must not 'want' them to engage with life any more, we must 'want' them to be 'letting go' and 'losing interest'......

I know it's sad to think that, but from THEIR point of view, it makes things easier! After all, how dreadful to die thinking 'But I've SO much to live for!'.....

Jenny I just read your message which I don't think I saw before. My mum did die a few days later - at hospital on 5/3 so your absolutely correct.
She said thank you and goodbye to us all and death simply took over in a relatively peaceful way.
"The rest is silence"
Thanks - it's all very strange now mulling through the crazy last few months.

Hi Alison, it takes a long time for emotions to settle down after the loss of a parent, so try not to put yourself under too much pressure for a while. If at all possible, arrange a break away this year, to give your head time to process and "put to bed" everything that has happened.