Statham Is The Man

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Sorry Folks we've been away for a while. That's what happens when you work retail....you might as well kiss November and December goodbye. But I thought I would kick off 2010 with a review for a movie I recently struggled to sit through. I couldn't turn the channel because I deemed it as research. I lost two hours of my life for this; just FYI>>>

In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale

This movie was a pile of crap with a budget. The End. Really tho, it tried way too hard at being a campy rip of of the video game meets Lord of the Rings. First of all there is our hero Jason Statham playing a farmer named Farmer (yep) whos family gets kidnapped by some assholes that "sorta" look like Orcs. Then there's Burt Reynolds who has no emotion or presence in the film but is the king who's throne everyone is after (don't know why hehe.) Ray Liotta plays the evil wizard who is secretly planning to overthrow the king but mysteriously seems to be re-enacting his coked-out bits from Goodfellas. The guy who played Cereal Killer in Hackers (sorry can't remember his name cuz he's never been in anything huge) is the scheming Prince who is plotting with the wizard to bring down his dad, Burt. Even Ron Pearlman, who I think deserves his own set of badass jokes btw, jumps in as some old washed up guy that wanted to fight bad guys at some point in his life but ended up farming the coastal village with Mr. Statham. Oh and to add to the star-powered cast is the chick who was the third Terminator swings in (thats a pun, but you'll have to watch the movie) as a sexy-although-man-hating forest nymph.Fuckin Weird right? Well that's just the beginning. The plot is equally intriguing. Farmer's village gets raided and his wife and son get assaulted by the wanna-be Orcs which Ray Liotta is controlling remotely via some smokey magic BS. Then he has to go on an ass kicking mission to find them. He manages to fight off a shitload of bad guys all with no armor and some fighting skills no Earthly farmer would posses. Along the way he finds out he is the long lost heir to the throne. He then reluctantly turns even more badass and kicks even more ass So (heres another pun:) after getting the book thrown at him wins the movie.Mass more stuff happens that is mostly like Ms. Swan telling you the story so I tried to sum up. But if you enjoy a B movie every now and again, and you have some time to kill give 'er a shot. -P

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Hollywood, CA. Just announced yesterday, in one of the biggest movie franchise mergers in history, Jason Statham will be starring in a new film scheduled to begin production in late 2010. The new film is reported to be a smash up of Statham's other high grossing films to be the end-all-be-all action flick. The working title "Transporter of Death: All Cranked Up" was leaked by an industry top official who claimed that "there will be a lot of driving, crashing and fighting... And probably some sex."Script details were vague but we did find out the plot will include Statham driving a hitman to a contract killing in post apocalyptic Canada while piloting an armoured and weaponized vehicle. The hitman will also have injected Statham's charecter with a toxin that makes him have to jumpstart his heart every so often with adrenalin. Currently up for grabs is the lead female role, who could be written in as a competing assasin driving to kill the same person as Statham's hitman. Top of the list is Evangeline Lilly from tv's "Lost."With the success of the Transporter and Crank series along with Statham's 2008 hit "Death Race" we are sure that the movie-going public will flock to theaters to check out this thrill ride.Jason Statham was unable to comment on this news, but we expect a huge media campaign to begin early 2011.-P

...instead of the old cliche for affirmative "Does the Pope wear a funny hat?" We will now be saying "Should the name Jason Statham be changed to Mr. Awesomeness?"

...this isn't 5 0'clock shadow. It is 8am shadow and it stays like this all day because I tell it to.

...I never wished for X-Ray vision because I could always see the girls' underwear after it dropped to the floor whenever I was near.

...If I kicked your ass in the woods and noone was there to hear you cry like a little bitch, you will still have cried like a little bitch. I guarantee it.

...I will never play a sensitive role in a film because killing people is insensitive in most people's eyes.

...I auditioned for the part of Neo in the Matrix. I didn't take the part because I found out all of the fighting was in some make believe world created by computers that was only in your mind and I wasn't really going to be kicking anyone's ass. Lame.

Thursday, October 1, 2009

One boring movie after another have lead me to believe that many poorly written/filmed/acted/publicized movies could have been drastically improved by the swagger and accent of one Jason Statham.

We get the ball rolling with:

1. From Justin to Kelly – Did anyone see this? My eyes burn a little thinking about it.

Instead I offer:

From Jason to Kelly – The film opens with Kelly on stage at “North American Superstar” with a British dude ragging on her singing, a black dude saying he would “tap that”, and a coked-out hooker giving them both hand-jobs. As one single tear rolls down her face, Jason breaks in through the roof and onto the judges table. He proceeds to break out his junk and get some head while repeatedly ninja kicking the other two. It only gets better from there.