Spring is one of those seasons you either love or want to love. I say want to love because sometimes there are barriers. If you’ve got allergies that kick your ass every chance they get, then the sight of beautiful flowers and cherry blossoms are more likely to fill you with dread instead of awe.

It’s kind of tragic when you think about it. Cherry blossoms and flowers are so beautiful. You want to admire them. It’s like getting a headache every time you see a pair of breasts. You want to see them, but at the same time, you dread it because you know how it’s going to affect you. Some sights are just worth the pain though.

So when it comes to spring, I’m always somewhat torn. I love the warmer weather. It’s easier to sleep naked and the ladies wear less when they go out for a walk. However, having been beaten and abused by allergies my whole life, I can’t help but feel a twinge of dread when I see the trees in my neighborhood bloom.

This year has been no exception. I’m at the part of spring where I’m convinced that my sinuses hate me and want to make me miserable until summer. I’ll endure though. That’ll make the sight of beaches and bikinis that much more satisfying.

Until then, though, I’ll need a potent mix of allergy medications and sexy thoughts to tide me over. Since it is Sunday and I’m still committed to my weekly Sexy Sunday Thoughts column, I’d say I’m ready for some extra medicine. I don’t care how it enters my body. It just has to be potent. That’s every bit as dirty as you think it is.

“If all drugs had to be taken rectally, would that increase or decrease homophobia?”

It’s not much of a secret. When anti-gay crusaders go on their gay-bashing rants, they tend to focus heavily on anal sex. These same people probably pleasure themselves to the idea of two women going at it, but anal sex just makes them feel all sorts of strange and uncomfortable feelings.

Ignoring for the moment how asinine, if that’s not too loaded a word, their obsession over anal sex tends to be, I wonder if these people have ever had to take a drug rectally. If they did, would that change their sentiment? Would they still find another reason to whine about gays? It might not be an overly sexy thought, but it is pretty funny when you contemplate it.

“No matter what the dictionary says, the word exacerbate sounds like a form of desperate masturbation.”

I remember the first day my English teacher used this word. I was in the seventh grade. The limited maturity and excessive hormones of me and my fellow classmates ensured an awkward reaction. I know what the dictionary says. I’ve even used this word in my novels. No matter how inane its meaning might be, the inner seventh grader in me will always conjure dirty thoughts.

“Everything considered a vice makes us horny. Does that mean the police are indirectly regulating our horniess when they enforce drug laws?”

It’s another poorly-kept secret about drugs, drug enforcement, and vice laws. If you look closely at any of them, they’re all directly or indirectly affect our sex lives. If a drug makes us horny, then chances are the DEA will raid any place that makes it and the President will declare it as poisonous as arsenic.

We get it. Government and religious types don’t like the people getting too horny. It distracts us from more important things like paying taxes or building monuments to our overlords. I’m not saying it doesn’t have a place in civilization, but at least be honest about it.

“Pubic hair is either sexy or disgusting with very little in between. That means those who permanently remove their pubic hair are really hedging their bets.”

Pubic hair is like a never-ending fashion fad. Sometimes having a nice, unkempt bush is the sexiest thing a man or woman can do to their lower anatomy. Sometimes the mere sight of pubic hair inspires uncontrollable gagging. Like Pokémon, it’s a craze that comes and goes.

That’s why I think those who permanently remove their hair with something like electrolysis are really hedging their bets. While pubic hair might not be that sexy today, thanks largely to the efforts of the Brazilians, that could easily change in the coming years. When it comes to sexiness, don’t hedge your bets is what I’m saying.

“Everything that’s even slightly shaped like a penis will be the subject of a dirty joke. No exceptions.”

This is a basic rule of the internet, people, and life in general. We all have an inner 13-year-old just waiting to laugh at the first thing that reminds us of penises. It doesn’t matter if we’re old, bald, and shitting in bags. A part of us will always find humor in something that’s shaped like a penis. It’s one of those few rules that have no exceptions.

“If something can be used as lubricant, then it has been used in a sex act. No exceptions.”

Dick jokes aren’t the only rules that have no exceptions. Human beings are wonderfully inventive. Spray cheese in a can is already a testament to that ingenuity. However, it doesn’t take the chemical expertise of Walter White to understand how any potential lubricant can be used.

Whether we’re cavemen using fish entrails or rocket scientists using advanced molecular substrates, at some point those liquids will be used for something sexual. It might involve masturbation. It might involve sensual massages. In any case, it’s going to be used for a sex act at some point. Again, there are no exceptions to this rule.

“One man’s pain is another man’s foreplay. One woman’s foreplay is another man’s kink. One couple’s kink is a young child’s trauma.”

Human beings are strange and complicated creatures. The fact we’re actively working on sex robots is proof enough of that. Our concepts of foreplay and kink vary wildly from person to person. One person may find it disgusting, but another will be so turned on that they can’t get naked fast enough.

This kind of variety is a beautiful thing in my opinion. I’m all for people exploring and celebrating their kinks. Just make sure your kids don’t catch you. Some conversations are just too awkward at any age.

“When you think about it, a masturbation competition has no real losers.”

This is just simple logic. If you’re in a masturbation contest and you achieve orgasm at any point, then it doesn’t matter whether you’ve won or lost. You still had an orgasm. No matter what the situation, orgasms make you feel like a winner. Again, that’s just logic.

I hope that did the trick. Does everyone else feel their sinuses clearing up? If so, you’re welcome. If not, you’re still welcome because you now have sexy thoughts streaming through your head. Laughter may be the best medicine, but I’d say sexy thoughts are a close second.