Kids ‘Too Damn Sexy’ Says Catholic Church

Catholic priests are not the ‘sexual predators’ that they are being portrayed as in the press, but are in fact the ‘victims of a vast homosexual right-wing conspiracy’ to bring the Holy Roman Catholic church into ‘a state of disrepute and disgrace’, according to Cardinal Conal Colmcille Grupenfuhrer Von Graspenpantzen, speaking today in a wide-ranging defence of the day-to-day sexual activities of Catholic priests.

Speaking before a press conference in the Vatican this morning, Cardinal Von Graspenpantzen, Chief Spokesman of the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith, said that he believed he knew exactly who was behind the recent allegations of mass child-rape levelled at the Catholic church.

‘”An extensive Vatican investigation of itself has finally brought to light who precisely is responsible for these scurrilous accusations”, said Graspenpantzen. “As previously stated, the Vatican has already established that Satan, who is currently at work in the Vatican, has been employing the Jews to do his legwork. What we’ve been able to establish in recent days is how exactly our priests were framed, and who was responsible – the homosexuals. ‘

‘Homosexuals have infiltrated the Vatican,’ he said ‘in a mass spying operation; placing themselves in positions of power and influence, and have gone so far as to employ gangs of vulnerable children to dress provocatively around priests and then seduce them. It’s an utter outrage, and they must be held accountable.”