Chris, who has finally decided to earn his no
doubt hefty paycheck, is front and center at the beginning of this weeks
episode of the Pimp and Ho party, er, the Bachelor: Paris. Chris says that at
this stage one-on-one time with the Bachelor is very important. [This sounds
like hes telling all of women that they had better start giving blow jobs if
they want to win.] He goes on to tell the women that there will be two intimate
one-on-one dates and one group date. Who is going to decide who gets the
dates? Two of the cast-off women that Travis has already discarded, the
interchangeable blonds Jennifer and Shiloh, will be deciding who gets to have
the solo dates with Travis.

Jennifer and Shiloh start asking the tough questions. Sarah S. is asked if she
can see herself being married to Travis. She says that she could see herself
married to Travis because they enjoy the same things and its like they are the
same person. [So if they have sex, are they hermaphrodites?] They accuse Jehan
of not opening up enough for Travis [perhaps she should try the whole fist in
the mouth trick that Sarah S is so good at.] She says that she is older, and
at the age of 29, its not as though she gets crushes on people, she wants to
get to know people before she opens up emotionally. Jennifer and Shiloh go on
and tell Sarah B that they think that she is too immature for Travis [who has
shown his maturity by going on a reality dating show to find a wife]. Sarah
says that she isnt going to have a difficult time communicating with somebody
because of her age and the age difference doesnt intimidate her. Next they tell
Tara that 3 out of the 4 times that she has been with Travis she has been drunk
[which is news to me because I thought that she was drunk on all four of the
dates.] They worry that if she gets the one-on-one date that she will get snockered,
though Tara vehemently denies that she would get drunk. With Susan, they bring
up the fact that she wants to move to Hollywood and be an actress and they think
that Travis wouldnt enjoy the Hollywood Scene. Susan says that she doesnt
want to be with somebody who is a carbon copy of herself. Jennifer says that she
doesnt believe that Moana should still be in the house, so you know that shes
going to be particularly harsh on her.

Jennifer and Shiloh call Moana in and ask if she is scared. Moana says that
she isnt scared, and the women retort that she should be. They go on to say
that everyone who has sat in the chair has shown emotion, except for Moana, so
they believe that she hasnt one genuine feeling or emotion since she has been
in the house. Jennifer reminds Moana that she said that she wasnt Travis type
and that she wouldnt go chasing after a guy; the guy would have to go chasing
after her. Then Moana did a complete 180 and started going after Travis.
Shiloh says that its just a game to Moana and Moana retorts if you are
asking me for honesty, when I give it to you, dont reprimand me for it. Moana
goes on to say that she didnt mean to step on anyone on the yacht, but it just
happened. Moana starts getting teary and says that something has changed for her
and she doesnt know how to describe what she is feeling. She has some intense
things going on in her head [because she is psychotic].

We next see Dr. Travis packing up a picnic basket. [I am sure that it was
pre-packed and he is just going through the motions, not unlike what I am doing
for this recap.] He talks about how important his choice of the final four is,
because he will be visiting the families of all of these women. He continues
packing loose grapes and a rose into the basket [Hes a dumbshit, because the
grapes should be in a Tupperware container and the rose is going to totally be
crushed.] Travis says that he is confident that Jennifer and Shiloh will pick
the right date for him because they are invested and want him to be with the
right person in the end.

A basket of love shows up and its for Jehan. The note inside says Lets
experience Paris from the bottom to the top. [Which either means that they will
be having anal sex, followed by oral sex, or we will get to see the Eiffel
Tower again. I am guessing its the latter.]

During the date, Travis and Jehan go to a market near the Eiffel Tower to pick
up food for a picnic. [I wonder what Parisians did before the Eiffel Tower was
erected, because everything seems to revolve around it, not unlike a mans
penis, or what men think about their penises, although not my husband, of
course.] Next they got cheese [You mean, like this show?] and wine; and no visit
to Paris would be complete without a visit to, you guessed it, a bakery so that
they can buy some baguettes. Travis leaves Jehan to pick out the bread [I am
amazed that he left her to make such an important decision on her own] while he
goes to a local jewelry store. He asks if they have any [crappy tacky] jewelry.
Specifically he wants something with the Eiffel Tower on it. [How tacky! Maybe a
perfect gift for an 8-year-old niece, but not for a love interest.]

As Travis and Jehan walk through the streets with baguettes hanging out of their
bags [how stereotypical], Jehan says that she will be revealing a deep dark
secret to Travis. [Her secret has been highly publicized during the show,
leaving the viewer to wonder, was Jehan previously a man? Does she have a kid? A
prison record? Or maybe, in a shocking turn, her boobs will be revealed to be
fake? Or worse, she used to be a drug mule that carried drugs in her fake boobs?
Or, oh my gosh, did she used to date FABIO? Or like Fabio, maybe she isnt a
natural blond. Quelle horror! I predict that her secret will be banal, something
stupid like a hangnail or that she had been previously married.]

Later that day, Travis and Jehan have a picnic beside, you guessed it, THE
EIFFEL TOWER. Travis gives her something so that she will always remember
Paris. Its little, hard, and comes with a pouch; he calls it a little
trinket. She feigns excitement when its revealed. [Oh thats the biggest one
that I have ever seen ] Oh its so cute its awesome. Its an EIFFEL TOWER
necklace. Travis comments, People will wonder why she is wearing the Eiffel
Tower around her neck. [because the jewelry store didnt have an albatross?]

Travis asks to hear about her past. [Come on Jehan, admit that you arent a
virgin, we dare you!]
Jehan says that she though that she was in love with the last person she was
with. It turns out that he married her just so that he could stay in the
country. [Or so she says.] She recently got a divorce. Travis looks shocked at
the revelation and starts drinking more wine. [Its horrible to marry somebody
to stay in the country, but marrying to cement your reputation as a reality TV
whore is so much more noble.]

Back at Whore Manor, Sarah B goes outside to find a tote bag of love. Sarah B,
Tara, Susan and Moana are invited to go on a bike ride with Travis. They will be
going on a ride though the French Countryside [which theoretically means that
we wont have to see the Eiffel Tower again] Susan S. is happy because she
realizes that she will to go on a solo date with Travis.

Travis and Jehan walk to the top of the Eiffel Tower and he asks her if she has
any other secrets. Travis says that her secret was shocking to him because he
always thought that he would end up with somebody who had never been married.
Jehan tries to get Travis to admit that her revelation will change his feelings
towards her and he sidesteps the issue by saying that he still thinks that she
is beautiful and amazing. [Shes not getting a rose.] Travis tells her that he
doesnt know her enough to give her a rose, but he doesnt want her to go home.
So he asks her to stay without a rose and she agrees to do this. When she gets
home, Jehan tells the other women about her deep dark secret. Susan believes
that this bomb is enough to send Jehan home.

The next day, Travis shows up with a trailer full of bikes. The women are all
wearing spandex bike outfits [because all women travel with emergency spandex
bike outfits, just in case they need to ride a bike through the countryside.]
Susan [probably with no prompting from some unseen AP] reveals that all of the
women are worried about Moana trying to monopolize Travis. [This means, of
course, that Moana will hog up all of the time with Travis.]

Travis tells the women that there will be no rose on the date; instead there
will be a bike race with the winner receiving a special surprise. The women
start the race and Tara quickly pulls out in front. Moana passes her and wins
the race. After the race, the group goes to a spa.

Back at the house, Sarah S., hideously coiffed in huge hair rollers, goes
outside and finds a box of love for her. She says that she knew Shiloh and
Jennifer would pick her for a solo date, since they thought that she and Travis
would be perfect together. The box is opened and Sarah has a note: Come paint
the perfect picture with me in Montmartre. [No doubt she will see the Eiffel
Tower from Montmartre.]

The dating group plays in the pool, and then Travis tells Moana that its time
for her to claim her reward. The reward is a couples massage. Travis tells
Moana he wants to know more about her. She says that her parents got divorced
when she was young and her mother remarried and she had a difficult childhood.
They hold hands during their massage and the women realize that they can watch
the massages from a window inside the pool. Tara says that she is disappointed
that she hasnt been able to talk to Travis, while Moana has spent a lot of
quality time with him.

Travis goes to pick up Sarah S and tells the camera that if they have fun, Sarah
will get a rose, but if there is no attraction she will be going home. He
thinks that its most likely that she wont be receiving a rose. [Theres
nothing like going into a date with low expectations.] Sarah realizes how
important this date is and realizes that if she doesnt get the rose, Travis
wont be going home to meet her family.

While wandering about in Montmartre, Travis suggests that they get their
portrait done together. Sarah comments that the artist looks like a mad
scientist [Yeah, most mad scientists moonlight as sketch artists, because they
cant get enough grant funding from the government]. Travis says that the artist
freaked him out. The portrait is revealed and it looks nothing like Travis and
Sarah.

Back at the house, the women sit around trashing Moana. Jehan says that Moana is
unhappy, unstable and depressed and Susan wonders how Travis can like all of the
women remaining in the house and Moana, since Moana is so different. Susan
thinks that Travis is a smart man and will be able to figure out Moanas game.
Moana walks up to the room and stands outside to listen. Jehan says that if
Moana is picked as one of the final four, she would vomit. Moana walks in and
confronts the women about talking about her behind her back. Moana confronts
Jehan and wonders what makes her so disgusted by her. Jehan says that she
doesnt like the way that Moana hogs the time with Travis. Moana, in an amusing
bit of overacting, says, Pardon me for having a heart and pardon me for having
feelings. Later Moana says that she would rather have a connection with Travis
than with the other women.

Travis tells Sarah that she is pure and true rather than being the bottled up
old prude he thought her to be. He says that its easy to be with her and he
doesnt worry about her character. He admires her for being a kindergarten
teacher [because unlike the other women, it probably means that she can color
within the lines, spell her name, and count to twenty without taking her shoes
off]. Travis says that Sarah has surpassed his expectations, and tells her that
she has to go home. Sarah looks shocked, thinking that he is dismissing her back
to her life of booger-eating, paste swilling five year olds, but Travis fakes
her out and asks her to take him home with her. [So instead of a five-year-old
booger-eating, paste swiller, she gets to be around a 33-year-old booger
eater/paste swiller.] They hug with all the intensity that is possible from
26-year-old Technical Virgin and 33-year-old Resident Physician who probably
masturbates while looking at his own headshot.

The next morning, Travis shows up at Whorehouse for a surprise visit. [I am
sure that this visit had been choreographed weeks ago by the producers, but then
again, I am cynical.] The women are sitting around talking [except for Moana who
is off being crazy by herself]. Travis talks about how his visit means so much
to the women [but then again he is the type of guy who probably thinks that he
would doing a woman a favor by ejaculating in her hair].

Travis says that he want to talk to a few women alone before he makes his
decision. He tells Jehan that he appreciates the fact that she stayed, which
probably means that he will not be giving her a rose. Sarah B uses the
opportunity to snark about the group dynamics in the house. Travis goes off and
finds Moana alone and she uses the opportunity to do her poor me bit. Travis
obviously gets sucked in because he says that he worries about hurting her.
[Note for future potential Bachelors: Run away when the girl starts to cry! If
one of the girls get marginalized by the others, its because she is psycho.]

The next evening, in the most dramatic rose ceremony ever, the Bachelor starts
lobbing roses at the remaining women. There are three roses left for five women
since Sarah S already has one. Travis comes out and says that each woman is
beautiful in their own way. [In related news, my husband just told me that a
dominatrix who was charged with murder, after one of her clients died of a heart
attack in her dungeon basement and instead of calling authorities she and her
boyfriend dismembered the body, which has never been found, was acquitted of
manslaughter.] Travis says that tonight is difficult because he has to ditch two
women when he is not ready to [because they havent given him blowjobs yet].

Let the Rose Lobbing ceremony begin. He gives roses to Sarah B and Susan. [Chris
doesnt come out to tell the women that there is only one rose left, but luckily
I can count to one, so I wasnt too confused.] Travis gives the final rose to
Moana as all of the jaws in the house drop in shock and amazement. Chris has to
do something, so he tells Jehan and Tara that they should say their good-byes.
Tara tells Travis to watch out because somebody [Moana, if you arent following
this too closely] is fooling him. Jehan is convinced that Travis would have
given her a rose if she hadnt been married.

Next week, the cocksucking continues, when everyone goes to North American, but
I suspect that the producers will try to find a way to show he Eiffel Tower at
least once.

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