Forgive me (NC-17)

Faramir was before Boromir’s door late at night. He had stood there for a while already, actually a lot longer. He breathed quietly; he didn’t know if he was he going to knock, or just sneak in, or what? Was he even going into his brother’s room? He wanted to, but was afraid, nervous and confused. This wasn’t the first night he had spent wondering the things he did right now, nor was this the first night he had stood before this door. All the many times before he had finally turned away, so maybe it was the case this time also? It was proving to be an easy way out by now. Faramir finally got his hand up and knuckles ready to knock, he already knocked in his head but swiftly turned to leave before he really did. Then he took another swift turn and knocked before he had the chance to think again. He regretted it already and put his face into his palms. He had planned what he was going to do next, he had planned it out many times and many times again and now he felt like he didn’t know what to do.

Boromir opened the door and Faramir quickly put his hands down and behind his back. Boromir was wearing nothing but his oversized purple tunic that was his nightshirt. Faramir in the other hand, was still dressed decently, wearing the same clothes he wore at dinner. Faramir greeted Boromir politely, who didn’t answer, just watched his brother a bit confused.

“It’s well after midnight, isn’t it?” Boromir asked, he was actually quite confused.

“Umm, yes Boromir, it is.”

Boromir gave a series of puzzled looks and tried to figure out that something that wasn’t there for him to be figured out. Faramir had seen his brother like that, completely out of it, so many times. It made him smile.

“Err, what are you doing here?”

“Umm.” Faramir said and looked down at his feet. “May I come in?”

Boromir didn’t even answer, just gestured Faramir to come right in.

Faramir made himself comfortable in Boromir’s living space, took off the top layer of shirts and removed his boots. He sat on a bench before the not-so-big-of-a-table. Boromir sat down on the other side of his table.

“What brings you here little one?”

“I desired your company. Did I interrupt you somehow?”

“No, it’s quite alright.”

Faramir was nervous and he knew he couldn’t hide it from Boromir, he needed something to say.

“Does something worry you?” Boromir asked concerned.

Faramir didn’t answer right away, he gave himself a little too much time to think.

“Is it about father?” Boromir asked again.

“No, not about him.” Faramir answered right away.

Then they sat in silent for a moment.

“Faramir, I was just about to turn in before you came, and if you have nothing too important to talk about, will my company satisfy you if we just turn in together?”

Faramir blushed fiercely. They had slept together in the same bed when they were little kids, they had done so less when they were teens, but after they had both grown up enough, they had slept in a same bed more often again. It’s seemed odd that Faramir blushed now.

“No, thank you brother, but it’s alright. “Faramir said and got up. “Do turn in, you must be weary, I’ll help myself out.” Faramir was talking fast and it irritated Boromir to have Faramir nervous like this in his presence. It wasn’t normal, Boromir got alarmed.

Boromir walked to Faramir and gently took his hand. “What is it with you?”

Faramir didn’t answer, he tried, but no words came out.

“Do you have something you can’t share with your brother?” Boromir asked. “Talk to me Faramir.” Boromir caressed Faramir’s knuckles with his thumb, he was growing really worried over his little brother.

“It’s nothing, forgive my intrusion.” Faramir said and made effort to leave again.

Boromir let his hand go, but took a firm grip on his arm, he pulled Faramir back, closer.

“Don’t lie to me.”

“I’m not lying to you.”

Boromir immediately grew very angry, his brows narrowed and his eyes went darker.

“Stop lying to me.” He sounded angry, but restrained as well, he was scaring Faramir in a way he didn’t know.

“Really Boromir, do you really believe I’d have anything I couldn’t trust you with?” Faramir tried to talk his way out of it.

“If you’re really telling me the truth, then leave and bother me no more with this ‘nothing’ you had in mind that was so important it made you come to my room this late at night.”

Boromir stood so tall, how was he so tall, Faramir thought. He lifted his other hand to pet the place Boromir had griped him, it was a bit sore. His brother was strong, he wished he could be that strong too, if not in arms, then at heart. Boromir looked at Faramir not looking at him, he waited. He saw Faramir tend his arm, still not looking at Boromir. Boromir was feeling a strange mixture of angry and guilt, a need both to drive- no, storm Faramir out from his room but also to take care of him, sweetly and gently.

Faramir needed to lift himself up on tiptoes, but only a little. First he settled one of his arms over Boromir’s shoulder and back his head as his other hand bent under Boromir’s arm at the other side and held his brother’s back. He pressed his body close and Boromir turned his head away, but only just a little. His lips looked like he was about to laugh, but quickly silenced. Faramir had to work to get Boromir’s head facing forward him again. He pressed his full lips on Boromir’s and turned his brother’s head as he wanted it. As he then peeked, he notice that he had closed his eyes at some point. And so had Boromir, his eyes still close, and Faramir panicked instantly.

“Please forgive me!” Faramir yelled quietly, he gulped nervously like trying to keep his violently racing heart in its place.

Faramir took a few rapid steps backwards, creating an unfamiliar wide gap between them. He could feel how his body started to tremble. He felt how the fear ran through his body and quickly he lifted his gaze and took a keen eye on Boromir. In his surprise Boromir didn’t make any effort to escape the situation, nor did he do a thing to approach Faramir.

“What was that little one?” Was all his brother had to say and Faramir didn’t know if he should be scared that there were no laughter in Boromir’s voice.

Faramir was afraid to answer and quickly he sought for anything to say. He had to turn his head down, hide his face when he noticed he had no excuses.

The silence surrounded them once again, Faramir had a keen need to look up to his brother’s eyes, but couldn’t force himself to. There was a fear in Faramir’s heart that if he looked up, he’d lose his brother from his life forever, false fear for sure, for when had his brother’s words ever betrayed him? But he decided to do nothing, he had done enough already.

“Faramir,” Boromir said and Faramir could tell that his brother took steps towards him but surely he didn’t look.

He felt strong arms wrap around him, he felt how he was being held firmly, but not forced. “Dear Faramir.”

Faramir started to silently cry, pressed himself tightly against his brother and cried. Boromir wouldn’t have known his dearest one was crying if he didn’t notice his nightshirt wet near his shoulder. He petted Faramir’s hair.

Faramir was shocked even more, in his heart, even hidden from himself, he had kept believing that his desires would come true eventually, somehow. Soon enough he felt a great weight being lifted from him, he felt free. With a trembling voice he muttered “Boromir, I love you.”

“Hush, little one, I know.”

“I never wanted to dishonour either of us, please forgive me.”

“Hush, it’s alright.” Boromir soothed. “I love you Faramir.”

Faramir let Boromir guide him to his bed. They sat on the edge of it. Boromir had Faramir’s hand in his and petted Faramir’s hair with his other hand. Faramir’s hair was so sweet, his curls wilder than usual. He stopped his hand to cup Faramir’s cheek. Faramir closed his eyes and gave into the feeling, if that was all he was going to get, he’d have all of it.

“You make me uneasy, little brother.” Boromir said, Faramir opened his eyes and saw a worried look on his brother’s face.

Faramir feared it was because of what had just happened, but Boromir had said it was alright, was he pushing himself? Did he really find it harder to bear than he had shown out?

“Whatever strength you had to come here and kiss me, I have to be stronger and not kiss you back.”

Faramir didn’t understand, he had a face that reflected the worry Boromir had on his.

“For long I’ve desired you, and I’ve kept such feelings away by force, but you coming willingly up to me makes me weak to resist.” Boromir spoke, his voice far from crying, but his eyes looked like he was about to. “As long as I had the thought that you’d not feel the same, I had enough power in my mind to restrain my heart. Or the thought of you repulsing me, if I ever said or did anything of a dishonourable sort, it gave me enough fear to keep my thoughts away from you.”

Faramir couldn’t believe what he was hearing. He felt overwhelmingly joyful, but at the same a terrible shame that he had now troubled his brother with his confession. What could he do now?

“I’m sorry brother, I’ll leave if you want.”

“Don’t,” Boromir said quietly and let his gaze drop to the ground for a little moment. He shook his head and lifted it back up. “Everything will go on as it has until this if you leave.”

Faramir looked at him, he didn’t feel like he needed to answer anything, he just looked.

“But what’ll come out of it if I stay?” Faramir asked after a long pause.

“Don’t ask such a thing.” Boromir begged, shook his head and tried to make up his mind with a heavy sigh. “I want you to stay.”

Faramir felt like crying again, he was tearing his own heart to pieces.

“I can’t Boromir. We can’t.” He had to be strong now if he hadn’t been earlier. “We must fight this.”

Boromir leaned in slowly, but swiftly enough for Faramir not to dodge it, or maybe it was simply because he didn’t really want to. Boromir kissed Faramir, ignoring what his little brother had said.

“We can’t,” Boromir said between one of a thousand little kisses that Faramir knew he had to fight, but didn’t. “We can’t do this.”

Faramir took a hold of Boromir’s arms and pushed them hard, but not really hard enough to push Boromir away and he knew it well enough. “Boromir, no.” Faramir made his best effort to resist, or told himself he did, he lifted his hands up between them, but Boromir just hugged him.

Then they kissed for long, kisses were short, longer, little pecks and much, much deeper. Until finally Boromir pushed Faramir down onto his bed while he still kissed his brother. Boromir started to work with getting Faramir under him naked. Faramir decided to do the same to Boromir, his task was notably easier, he just took a hold of Boromir’s tunic from the shoulders and pulled it off.

Boromir, who now was naked on top of Faramir, was marvellous. Faramir felt how his heart was about to jump right out for the sight before him was unbelievable. He had wanted this, dreamed this, then feared it and fought it. Now it was real. Faramir laid on his back and helped his naked brother to undress him also. When Faramir had only his pants left, Boromir made his way downwards, kissing Faramir’s hairy chest, down to Faramir’s warm belly, his bellybutton that was too cute Boromir could’ve just eat it up. Then he followed the hairline more down, but pants got in the way so Boromir got rid of them. Then he first buried his nose there where Faramir’s leg connected his pelvis. Boromir licked his way from there towards Faramir’s shaft. Faramir already had a tight grip on the mattress on Boromir’s bed with his both hands and he didn’t know what to do now when his excitement was growing even more. Dear Valar, Boromir was sucking his penis, taking it into his mouth.

“Dear Valar, oh Boromir, dear Valar!” Faramir let out.

Boromir was up and on top of Faramir faster than Faramir could’ve guessed, Boromir was face to face with him and his hand already shutting his little brother up.

“We have to be quiet,” Boromir said cautiously.

He lifted his hand and Faramir didn’t say a thing, just looked up a little shocked.

Faramir hesitated, this was his chance to say no, beg for his brother to stop. And still Faramir had his slightly trembling hands on Boromir soon enough and they stilled right away. While feeling Boromir’s sides and back he noticed how Boromir looked at him. He hadn’t seen that look before, eyes yearning, mouth a little open, panting. His brother, his Boromir, wanted him, wanted his touch.

“Kiss me again.” Faramir dared to speak up quietly.

Boromir looked at Faramir for a little while and Faramir already had a hint of regret in his head, but Boromir leaned downwards, wrapped his hands under Faramir and let Faramir take him fully into his arms. Then they kissed, it was a long, warm and loving kiss. Faramir wanted that kiss to take away all of his thoughts that he was indeed in bed with his own brother, he just wanted to be loved by the man he loved so deeply.

It was morning when Boromir woke up, he found his little brother already awake, sitting up, looking towards the window. Boromir looked at him and carefully lifted his hand to pet Faramir’s arm. Faramir turned his head and looked at Boromir still lying down, he looked marvellous. Faramir narrowed his brows a little while he thought how much he loved the man he could not.

“Boromir you’re so…” Faramir tried to speak out, so softly and silently he barely spoke out loud. He took Boromir by the hand. “… so something.”

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