Bruce Watson: A letter from the League of Disgusted Voters

Once again this October your League offers a series of events to keep you from growing an ulcer, moving to some strange country or throwing a chair through your TV. Pick an event and come share your repugnance at a League of Disgusted Voters gathering near you.

• Saturday, Oct. 13: Funeral for Facts — Join LDV members as we mourn the death of facts in our Wiki-wacky-whatever works world. Disgusted voters will rip pages out of almanacs, add lies to Wikipedia and play “Facts-Schmacts,” in which they compete to distort the most data in a two-minute segment. Pallbearers needed.

• Sunday, Oct 14: SuperPAC Play Money Day — Bring your little ones to this kid-friendly event where they will make play money by the zillions and throw it at the clownlike candidate of your choice.

• Sunday, Oct. 21: Poll This! At which LDV members fume over the latest outrages, then call the New York Times, the Pew Research Center and other polling organizations to give them a #($)@#$ earful. Hey, they never call you, right?

• Monday, Oct. 22: Presidential Debate Dissing. During this final debate, LDV members will gather to Tweet their disgust in 140 characters or less. OMG! LOL! ROMSUCKSBGTME! AAARRRGGHHH!!!

• Saturday, Oct. 27: Neglected Issue Fun Shriek — Got an issue you’d like to see discussed this election? Gun control? Global Warming? Wholesale perversion of free speech? Bring your issue and shriek it for a full 10K. Shriek loudly. The Fun Shriek will mark the only time your issue is heard from now to Nov. 6.

• Sunday, Oct. 28: Electoral College Drop Out Derby — Join us as we curse and condemn this 18th century relic. For extra fun, LDV members will Skype with voters from other countries, trying to explain to them how the Electoral College works.

• Tuesday, Oct. 30: Tropical Island Dreamin’ — With the election just a week away, disgusted voters will scan Google Earth for tropical islands as likely destinations if their candidate loses. Or even if he wins!

• Wednesday, Oct. 31: Halloween Hijinx — LDV members will dress up as American presidents and go door-to-door to see if anyone can guess who they are. Or have even heard of them.

• Friday, Nov. 2: Undecided Voter Takedown — Another door-to-door canvas for those still undecided, but this time no pleading, no “conversation of democracy.” This time it gets ugly.

• Saturday, Nov. 3: Hibernation Experiments. With the election and winter approaching, LDVs will learn bear hibernation techniques in hopes of sleeping through the winter, the next four years or until Citizens United is repealed, whichever comes last.