The Royals

Boris Johnson has denied lying to the Queen over the advice he gave her over the five-week suspension of Parliament. Similarly, the Queen has denied lying to the PM about the operational status of The Tower of London.

The recent five week suspension of the UK Parliament is unlawful, Scotland’s highest civil court has ruled. And as the final endorser of the Government’s prorogation proposal, Her Majesty could be looking at a custodial sentence, once someone clever works out what laws have been broken, by whom and what the sentencing guidance should be.

Tennis fans have accused Meghan Markle of jinxing Serena Williams last night as she watched the tennis star lose. Liverpool’s John Henry has now struck a deal with Markle to make sure she’s at every Man City game this season.

Makers of the famed ‘Prince Albert’ metallic cock apparatus have today announced that it shall hereby be known as a ‘Prince Andrew’ on account of the fact that he, like a cock ring, hangs around a lot of penises but only tells a select few the truth about this. However this has caused some consternation amongst the pierced community as a cock ring is a reliable piece of kit whereas Andrew is quite the opposite.

“Today I requested that our Sovereign, should not exert her Sovereignty, in order that this Sovereign Nation can wrestle back its Sovereignty and give our Sovereign back her Sovereign powers”, stated everyone’s favourite cartoonish buffoon and PM, Boris Johnson

A fellow Flybe passenger said, ‘I couldn’t believe it! The way the whole family tucked into a nasty airline chemical breakfast that had an expiration date of 2050 while sitting in those no-legroom bastard seats. It made me proud to be British.