Monthly Archives: August 2011

I hate wasting energy. Sometimes I need to vent and it feels like a huge valve has released all my frustration and anger. Once the valve closes I feel drained, tired. Then I get irritated with myself because it feels like I’ve wasted a lot of energy getting upset over something that I can not change.

All my friends come to me for advice in some shape or form. It’s like I have Dear Abby tattooed on my ass. Don’t get me wrong. I love to help my friends. And I’m finding as I get older I enjoy picking apart people’s motivations for their actions. But Dear Abby I’m not.

I can’t fix everyone. Even the ones that realize the issues and want help, I can only do so much. I am just one person with my own issues and flaws. You have to want to help yourself if you expect to see positive change.

So I have to let go of my own frustration, my anger. Let it simmer down and cool. Whatever I’m supposed to accomplish will happen one way or another. I just have to remember not to fight it. I’ve found this mantra to be helpful:

Goddess, grant me the serenity to accept the people I can not change, the courage to help the ones I can, and the wisdom to tell the rest to shit or get off the pot.

What motivates you? Not the quick, short-term kind of motivation. Deep-rooted, gut instinct motivation. You know, the motives that guide your snap decisions where you don’t even think first.

Why do you act the way you do? Why do you have faith in your deity? Why do you part your hair to the right instead of the left? Why do you always put the left shoe on first? Why do you listen to one political analyst over another? Why do you always play the same song first thing in the morning? Why do you prefer brunettes over blondes?

There are thousands of little decisions and not-so-little decisions we make every day of our lives. Do you truly know why you choose the path you do? Is it because of your upbringing? Are you trying to overcome it and you intentionally choose something different? Is it a way to re-establish your own control over your life? Do you do something out of spite for a person who may not even be present in your life anymore?

Let me give you a couple of examples:

~When I’m out in public I always take the farthest path from any older men I see. I was attacked by an older man when I was 12.

~I have a friend who always takes a different path between destinations from how she got there because of a stalker.

~Another friend refuses to eat certain things because of an Ex.

~One of my best friends is always the first to say I’m sorry, My fault even when it’s not.

The reasons behind our actions are very often the last things on our minds. But we need to realize they are sometimes the biggest motivations in our lives. Having been attacked when I was younger, I am very wary around strangers, sometimes even around people I know. I’ve tried many times to overcome this. It’s not easy. I still remember what the bastard looked liked, the dogs on their leashes, the dread of having to tell my mother. Talking to the cop was easier to be quite honest.

The point is that we have to look at our past, pick it up, turn it over and over in our hands a few times, poke it with a pointy stick, make it talk to us to figure it out. Until we realize that our past drives our present we will never realize the future we want. We’ve all made mistakes, bad decisions, let someone take control and not done enough to stand up for ourselves. Take those decisions one by one and forgive yourself for them.

Yes, forgive yourself for making a mistake. Heaven forbid you act like a human being. We’re not perfect. No one person on this planet is. It’s okay to make mistakes, to let stuff happen. It’s also okay to forgive yourself. You don’t have to go all caveman and refuse to see things in a different way because you’re afraid of repeating a mistake. Learn from it and recognize the signs of it. If you know what to look for, you’re less likely to repeat it.

Okay, I’m taking today to write a very special blog. This blog is for someone who means the world to me. She’s young enough to act like a sister, mature enough to lead like a parent, and cool enough to be one of my best friends. Her name is Cindi Lockman and she’s my aunt.

In 2002 I lost my mother in a car accident along with my grandmother. I basically shut down. I couldn’t write, had to be reminded to eat, just sat and stared into space a lot. But Cindi wouldn’t let me stay down for long. She taught me to meditate. It’s the only way I was able to cope with the grief.

Cindi has helped me through the loss of my father and the death of a marriage that probably should never have happened. I moved in with Cindi when my marriage fell apart, about 3 1/2 years ago. Since that miserable January day, I have discovered more about myself and my family than I could have ever imagined.

My aunt has taught me how to be independent, to take care of my own business and to know when to ask for help. We have shared tears and laughter. We tell each other everything. I would be lost without her.

Today is Cindi’s birthday. Myself, the rest of the family and her friends have helped her have a great day today. I’m very happy to have been a part of her celebration. I hope she’s around for many, many more.

How well do you have to know someone to call them a friend? Do they have to live close by? Be close to you in age? How much must you have in common?

The people who come into our lives are as varied as they are many. Some we may look like, some we have almost everything in common, some are so different that we can’t help but be drawn to them.

I don’t have to have a lot of common interests with my friends. Sometimes it’s a good way to learn something new. Makes for interesting conversation and it’s a good way to discover new music or books or movies. My friends are my family. They are as welcome and comfortable in my house as any of the relatives I live with. Some even more so 😉

I have lost friends. As I get more comfortable with being who I am, I’ve lost my kid gloves. I don’t sugarcoat anything. If you ask me a question be damn sure you want the answer. All I ask of any of my friends is to be honest with me and speak your mind, don’t wait or hold back. I try me damnedest to do the same. Not all of them can accept that.

The greatest thing you can be is an honest friend. Only a truly honest & caring friend will tell you the truth even when it hurts. But they are also there to help you take the next step. There may be days when I don’t want to keep going. The words don’t flow. I drop half of everything I pick up. Nothing goes right. I can get through it with a little help.

I’m doing a little housekeeping this week, personal housekeeping. I’ve been signed up on several social/dating sites for at least the last couple of years. Tried several different ones. I’ve met some really cool people who I now call friends. Like playing games on Facebook, these sites take time. If you read my last blog, you know that time is money. I won’t be broke ever again.

I’ve decided to reinvest in Me. I’ve been playing online a lot lately. Just playing, wasting time. I have about 8 books that need to be read. (*Gasp* Yes, I have books that I haven’t read 3 times.) Plus, I’m trying to get more structure in my writing routine. Not to mention being out of practice meditating and exercising. I’m sure I could think of a dozen or so other tasks that I’ve been putting off or simply ignoring.

I have figured out that I tend to attract people who need me for something. They all seem to need fixed in some way. As hard as I try, I admit I can’t fix them all. Sometimes you have to look at a situation realistically and think, Do I want to invest more time in this or is it time to move on? Not an easy question to answer.

So I’m taking a break from saving the world, from my dating sites, blocking games on my Facebook, trying to stay on task. I’m watching more news and hoping to get to my reading list. Got to start meditating more. It’s the best way to clear my head so I can write. And it helps me focus. I’m taking care of me.

How do you spend your time? What do you invest your time in? If you think about it, time really is money…..

It’s pretty obvious in business that time is money. If you don’t get the job done, you don’t get paid. Hobbyists should understand the investment aspect. I have been crocheting for at least 25 years now. Hooks and yarn can get expensive, not to mention all the time spent pouring over patterns and trying new threads.

You also invest time in your relationships. Afternoons spent with family, grilling out, chasing kids in the yard. Long conversations figuring out how we all fit together. And in our technologically advanced times, countless hours spent online looking for a suitable date.

How do you affect the time of other people? and vice versa? Do you use up their time with meaningful conversation? Or do you waste their time, taking whatever you want from them for that moment’s pleasure without giving back anything useful? Do you let another steal your time away?

Do you do things that make you truly happy? Do you take time to help others? When you cut into someone else’s time do you make it worth the intrusion? Do you really have time to waste repeating the past?