I hadn’t been sleeping well. Nothing happened. And nothing went wrong. I just spent an unusual amount of evenings these days caffeinated on thoughts from sunrise to sundown.Maybe it was the excitement of living in Europe or the anticipation of going home, but life abroad always seemed to intersect at those

t w o

p

l

a

c

e

s

And I wasn’t sure why.

Except.

There was this night where my friends and I had taken an exceptionally long walk around the streets of Spain. A 4 mile stroll on the cobblestone roads—only pausing to cause mischief inside local department stores.

When at El Corte Ingles…

Where we finished the evening with local pizza and pasta and reveled in a day that contributed to the countdown of our inevitable departure from a place that we temporarily called home.

Home. Sweet. Home.

We needed moments like this.

We just. Did.

And every night he would walk me back to my apartment. And this night was no exception. And as usual,

“I don’t have it all, David. Not even close. But I do love what I have. And that’s just a product of quitting bad habits and bad people…pursuing new things, appreciating existing ones and recognizing that happiness really can and really does exist inside and out of the people and things that I already know.”

And it was weird to say it out loud.

Not just what I said. But that I said it. To admit that I was content and proud of where I was, what I had done and who I surrounded myself with.

…Which is why I asked him.

“Why are you asking me all of this?”

Even though I already knew.

“Because I don’t think I’m a good enough person.”

I knew where this was going. It had gone there before.

“What do you mean?”

I knew what he meant.

“I don’t know. I guess no matter how many good things I do. Or how I act. I feel unsatisfied. Or even guilty for feeling good about it…as if admitting I’m proud of myself is putting me in this bubble of arrogance. Like—”

“I don’t like having these conversations with you, David. I really don’t.”

“I’m not going to waste my words anymore, David. Every time I tell you you’re great you tell me that you can’t do anything right.

It’s like you’re wearing a blue a shirt and I’m complimenting it but you just keep complaining that it’s too red.

But your shirt is blue, David. It’s blue.“

We both kind of sat there for a while—the creaking of the chains serenading the silence we inevitably needed to have.

And eventually I told him that we live in a world where self-confidence is often mistaken for arrogance and being proud of yourself can feel like a crime. That one second we’re reading quote after movie after article after friend that says “Believe in yourself!” and “Prove them wrong!” and the next thing you know, patting yourself on the back means being “full of yourself” and every resume builder and cover letter demands you to “stand out” and “sell yourself!” and suddenly no achievement feels quite that big. Because you’re not chosen. Someone else is. But even if you are. Often times, it can be hindered by jealousy, guilt and a contagious negativity of making yourself feel second best. Or non-deserving.

For no reason.

At all.

I guess it kind of made me realize that confidence isn’t just one ingredient but it actually might be two.

What you have + the way let yourself feel about it.

You could spend all day in the gym. And look really great.

And feel eternally unsatisfied when you agree to be permanently displeased with the results.

You could have the best job. And go to the best school.

And the prestige and honor would feel so wasted if you never took a moment to realize what an impressive genius you really are.

You could have the best looks. Or the best soul.

And you’d never know it if you let the irrelevant opinions of others determine your self-worth.

Because there really is a difference between being humble and selling yourself short.

And it really isn’t our faults that we’re trained to achieve the best and be the best.

And yet.

Made to feel like less than that whether it comes in the form of a of a missing promotion, lackluster support or worst of all, self-inflicted dissatisfaction.

Thing is.

When you respect yourself for what you are and what you’re not.

And mix that with the realization that having confidence and having pride isn’t a crime, but actually a right?

I know. We’re all so guilty of this! I felt myself feeling that way about myself lately which was one of the reasons I decided to write the post. Hope your journey to focus on the good is a successful one. You deserve it!

Olive, you really are a great writer and oh so talented. I don’t know why or how it is, but whenever I feel a certain way I seem to find my way to your most recent post and come out of it feeling like so much more of a person, so much “fuller” than before, and no, I’m not talking about full of shit. You know how people feel and you’re very good at putting what you know into words. Don’t know what myself and your many other readers, friends and family would do without you. I like to call myself WisTIM, but truth is, I still have much to learn and much more wisdom still to gain. I’m young (is 20 still considered young these days?), but I’m always striving and wishing that I knew all the answers, knew all the paths to take, friends to make, decisions to choose and lives to lose. Truth is, I might never get there, and probably won’t, but I’m not giving up just because that’s not the person I am. Maybe I’ll get as smart as you someday. Finally, as I end this far too long comment (my apologies), I would ask you to read over this post occasionally, because as perfect as you may seem, we all feel this way sometimes and what you’ve said here is wisdom for all, including yourself.

What a heartfelt, genuine and truly impactful comment. I always say that it takes a good person to appreciate someone else’s work, and it takes a great one to take the time to tell them. It really means more than you know. Everything you mentioned in your comment is everything I ever wanted my writing to do…to give that sense of fulfillment and an underlying message of knowing that we’re not alone. Thing is, I’m still really young too! 24 going on 25, but every day I feel a little bit wiser than I did the day before, and I bet if you really think about it, you might too (: . I don’t necessarily think that there’s a place to “get.” I mean, if we get there, where’s the excitement of being part of a journey, you know? Judging by your well-rounded thoughts and way with words, I think you’re in a wonderful place. Also, thank you so much for telling me to read my own writing. For years I was just writing these stories for myself! So it’s nice to finally share that experience with other people such as you.

[…] isn’t entirely us. Sure maybe we can generally strive to be nicer, better, more motivated, more confident. But. The actual building blocks of our personalities? Well, those are the best. The most unique. […]