A very strange girl was blown by a tornado to the wondrous land of Oz....
but the REALLY strange thing is that she's still in Kansas!

Friday, September 21, 2012

To Yarn Harlot, With a Gift

It's too late to apologize

It's too late...

("Apologize", One Republic)

To Yarn Harlot:

I hope you hear me out but I know that in light of things you probably wouldn't soil your boots by setting foot on my blog. But maybe one of your friends can read it and tell it you.

I don't expect you to forgive me but things finally came to a head for me last week, during the anniversary of 9/11. I realized that I am a complete asshole and urgently need to apologize to you. I don't even know how to apologize for what I've done. It's such a big sin that I'm not sure exactly how words of apology could suffice.But I must come to understand that my experiences with terrorism overseas, in the past and currently, are no excuse for the deplorable and disgusting way that I've treated you. Here's 3 things I'd like to say to you:

1) I was wrong. I was so wrong. After thinking hard about this issue, I realized that you were never being anti-American----you were simply expressing pride in your own country which is admirable.

2) I know you know that I hate anti-Americanism. But my therapist said to me that if I believe in the principles of the USA's freedom of speech, that I should extend that belief to peoples of all cultures and countries. Nowhere is there an 11th Commandment that declares that a person can't think or say whatever the hell they want to say, good or bad, about America.

3) My bad attitude about anti-Americanism developed many years ago as a result of experiences I had when growing up as a "Diplomatic Brat" overseas and then when, as an adult, my mother and I were victims of that unmentionable terrorist incident in Syria.

But that occurrence should never have evolved into my stupid, self-righteous habit of preaching against anybody I perceived as "anti-American". Because, like I said, it's a person's right to say and think as they please, whether I like it or not--and even so, I don't think you were ever being anti-American.

Actually, Canada holds a special place in my own heart. As people who have studied history know, the Acadians were French people in east Canada who eventually left that area and settled in Louisiana, USA, where their descendants are the Louisiana "Cajuns". I have tons of Cajun relatives---and thus, their blood (and Acadian blood) runs in my veins.

Also (speaking of terrorism overseas) it was Canadians who hid some of the American Embassy employees when the Embassy was attacked by mobs and overrun in 1979 when the Iranians took many American hostages.(Link here.)

And when I lived overseas, Canadian diplomatic employees were always nice to me.

Also, when I graduated from nursing school, I completed further training for working in hospital ER's and ICU's with several Canadian women who were very smart, quick-witted, and nice ladies.

As some people know, I have had kind of a meltdown this week due to the events of what happened in Libya where the American Ambassador and two others were murdered by terrorists. As a result, all my PTSD symptoms have come flooding back and my mood turned into an angry, ugly cancer. I've been having vicious flashbacks and have needed extra help from my therapists.

BUT....

That is absolutely no excuse for how I've treated you.

There is nothing I can do but apologize to you as sincerely and humbly as I possibly can--and give you this small gift. I know you won't forgive me---but I did want to get this on record both for you and also publically because I also think the knitting community should know that I am apologizing to you. This is no stunt or desire for attention---it is real. I really am very regretful and sorry for my ugly behavior towards you.

Believe it or not, I am not that kind of nasty, hateful person. But I have disappointed myself and God with the things I have said regarding you.

Anyway, for what it's worth----I sincerely apologize to you as truly as I can, and I am going to try to be a better person about this issue in the future.

Things are still escalating against certain American Embassies in the Middle East, and God help them. We happen to have some dear family friends stationed in the American Embassy in Pakistan where there are anti-American protesters even this minute holding the Embassy in siege. It is looking dismal for them. Blaine has forbidden me from watching CNN. My family also has other friends in many of the other American Embassies in the Middle East. And believe me, I know how terrified they feel--- because of what happened to me and my mother. But I must persevere in hope for their safety. But again, I must not take out my fears against others.

Anyway, I promised you a gift, Yarn Harlot. Many friends of mine know that I am an avid gardener. One of my special interests is in growing and cultivating certain rare flowers. All year long I have carefully taken care of a "black petunia" plant, but the petunias usually bloom looking like pinwheels of black & white or black & yellow. But yesterday I was finally able to produce several pure black petunias on one of my plants, the goal of every black petunia gardener. The blooms will only last maybe one or two days on the vine.

And so, my gift to you is the picture of these rare things as I know you appreciate things of beauty:

{{{{HUGS}}}} Bo! I know this past week has been hard on you & I know how hard it is to admit we have been wrong. I have the same problem! And I applaud your courage here! It's been a rough period for me also, but I hope mine ended when I ended up with what I consider a man's haircut after going to get my hair cut before my 35th high school reunion next weekend! On a positive note, I found out that my unemployment hasn't quite run out yet, so there is still hope of finding a job before it does. Just not sure I want one yet until my hair grows out a bit! I hope you have a good weekend! I'm going to spend it with a 10 year old granddaughter!

It's good to see you blogging again. I'm also very glad you apologized even if YH never sees it. It shows good progress in your therapy.

I am sorry that the embassy attacks were/are affecting you and triggering flashbacks. It's a good thing that you are in therapy so that you can deal with them and take it one day at a time. We like to think we are strong enough to handle things, but sometimes even the strongest of us need a little help to carry the load.

I LOVE your black petunias. I have never seen any of those around my way. I always buy the pale yellow, hot pink and red/white varieties. I shall now be on the hunt for those for next spring. They would look stunning against my soon to be re-painted house (yellow with white trim and red shutters/door.

I inadvertantly made a ill though comment to a long time firend (oh, 45 years of what I thought was friendship). She divorced me in the most evil and ugly way possible. It hurt my feelings but I apologized....and every year, she "celebrates" the day she severed our friendship because I am evidently too entirely too stupid to be alive, much less breath the same air she does. My sin? I told her I would worry about a certain ill person as much as she was worrying...so not to feel as if she couldn't take a mental break. It was allowed to think of herself sometimes, since this illness of another was earth shattering for her. I could deal with silence. I can not deal with the yearly frolic around the May Pole.So you did your part and in public. That is all you have to do. Your side of the street is clean and you can sleep well, knowing you did the grown up deed.

Thanks, Chloe! Gosh, I'm really sorry about your friend. Wow, I can't believe she took such offense. (Not to mention the "celebration"--that is kind of weird.) I have to admit, even since my apology to Yarn Harlot, I still feel bad about things. I do think I learned some not-so-good lessons about some things about myself---and unfortunately I always tend to learn them the hard way, aaaargh.....

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