Archive for January, 2013

I was on my way home and passing by a mall when I noticed this couple who were waiting for a cab. They had their arms around each other. And they were smiling and looking deeply into each others’ eyes. Then the guy raised his hands, held the girl’s head, and kissed her head.

I smiled when I saw that, forgetting for one second that I was in a public utility vehicle.

I smiled because even I felt the love he feels for his girl, despite the distance, with just that simple gesture.

I used to hate it when people do public displays of affection. It used to make me gag. Now, they make me smile and think how lucky they are to have found what they have. Well, as long as they are not practically crawling all over each other in public, I’d consider it sweet.

And as I watched that couple, it made me think. Again. Of my own lovelife or lack thereof. And it made me smile. Again. A sad, close to tears, kind of smile. Because, when before I have always done everything in my power to look for my own happy ending, now I have decided to just go with whatever He has planned for me.

Don’t get me wrong, I know that He only gives us what is best for us. Not what we want or need but what is best for us. And, for the longest time, I have tried to create my own destiny. Tried to forge my own path but, now, I realized that I am tired of it all.

I am tired of trying and failing. Again and again. And go running to Him whenever the pain is too much to bear.

So, I have decided to trust in Him. Trust that what He deems is best for me will be the one thing that will make me happy and contented.

But, I am also scared. Scared that I am not ready to accept the truth in case He deems I am strong enough to live my life on my own. Scared that He has planned for me to grow old alone. Scared that I will never feel a beloved’s arms around me again.

However, whether I am ready or not, I have vowed to do this. And pray that I have enough courage and strength to accept everything.

After all, I may be physically alone but I will always have Him. Ready or not.

As I was riding the MRT on my way home tonight, I realized something. That I think I have forgotten what it feels like to be kissed and to kiss someone.

I mean, sure, I kiss my parents on their cheeks or forehead but I wasn’t talking about that. I was talking more about the romantic, soul-shattering type of kiss. It has been almost four years since someone actually gave me one. Talk about a dry spell.

But, the weird thing is, I think I miss the kisses more than the down-and-dirty part. I think it has a lot more to do with the fact that a kiss is more than just a kiss.

It gives me that certain connection with someone, something that I find so hard to forge with just anyone. It also gives me hope that tells me I just might not grow old alone.

Plus, I love the idea of giving someone even the most innocent of kisses just because I can and have the right to do so.

And, as I look out the window of the train, I realized that I am in deep funk. I am in so deep a funk that I have actually been obsessing over the same sets of romance novels over and over again just so I can imagine what it’s like to be kissed.

So, have I forgotten what it feels like?

I haven’t but I am afraid that I will forget someday soon. And I’m afraid that when that happens I will have forgotten how to love as well.