I got smart this time. I started writing this out at work, so I at least have a paper copy of half of it.

I meant to copy everything last time before I sent it -- I was thinking of doing that when I first started writing -- but then I forgot. Ass.

So this may not be as good the third time around, because some of the original driving emotion has been lost or filtered out.

But before I begin... I got a big yuck infection right above my helix (right on the hole at the top), so I had to clean that out. There's a whole story about earrings and what would be the best, but it's pretty dull, so I'll spare you all. Basically, I'm wearing a stud tonight, although that's likely not the best option because it can't breathe, in order to keep the hole from closing over, 'cause I don't really have anything else that would be suited. And since I have to get up in the morning and don't feel like cleaning four hundred earrings, testing each one to see if it would fit, I'm gonna do this and just see how it looks in the morning.

Here begins what I wrote at work:

I've tried to write this post about three times now -- my browser keeps losing it and pissing me off.

I've gone between happy, sad and angry this weekend. Happy was Estrofest -- I had a lot of fun. We talked about all kinds of things, and now have a joke about doorknobs. :) During one particular boardgame, my name came up as most likely to try to pick up an attractive someone of the opposite sex -- or at least to start up a conversation with them. I thought that was pretty funny, considering how I am, but then again, what do I know? :)

Another happy momemt, in spite of it being an angry day for the work part, was having one of the security guards give me some of his dinner and a Coke, so I didn't have to buy myself any food. Hooray! :)

And today I was told I was the best lunch packer by one of the newsguys, as he rifled through my trail mix and teddy grahams (after I'd told him to, don't worry). :)

I keep occasionally running up against a 'life is horribly unfair' feeling. There's a story I keep trying to write that my mom told me awhile ago. It frequently comes to mind when I'm feeling like whining about how unfair the world is.

It seems that when I was younger, I had a little purse I used to keep change in -- it probably amounted to a whole dollar or two. Mom said we were in a store one time and I set this purse down and walked away from it. Of course, someone stole it -- but I simply couldn't understand why someone would steal from me.

When I think of this story, even if it weren't me in the story, I just feel a sense of helplessness or sadness. I can imagine how I must have felt as that little girl, being introduced to the world of unfairness and meanness that can abound.

And that's kinda what I feel sometimes now.

That little man inside my heart or inside my gut feels that somehow it should work out. Maybe if I just care enough, or if we both care enough or both work enough to make it happen, it could.

I feel a bit like I did before the ex- and I started going out the second time. Part of me just can't accept that that's it. Period.

I want the relationship again, problems or no. What does that say about me? I fear finding out.

It's been nearly a month since things ended -- a month on Wednesday. Why am I not over it by now? Why can't I let it go?

It's just seriously unfair.

I know everyone means well when they tell me that I'll meet someone else, someone better, but right now, I can't hear that, and I don't want to. I'm sure it's how Di must feel like when people tell her that she can do better than Eric, or that she should move on. Like, sure, on one level, I know that and I feel that way. But on the other level, the one on which I'm currently operating, I'm not ready for someone else. I feel how I feel, and that's likely not going to change for awhile.

I know people are tired of hearing me whine about this, and I feel bad for being so stuck on it. But... what's the time limit on whine ability? When should I be over things?

It doesn't help to reminisce or share stories with people. Well, it does... but it reminds me of what there was, and who knows when it'll be there again.

2002/09/29

2002/09/27

Okay, I do have time for an update. No, I haven't offed myself.

Grr, I was up late last night (2 a.m., but Wednesday night was 4 a.m.), and then my cousin, forgetting the 1 hour time difference, called at 8 and woke me up. Then my sister called sometime around 9, 9:30 and woke me up again. Argh! We is grumpy today.

And I don't have the car, so I'm not sure how I'm going to work Estrofest stuff... unless I bus home and get the car, showing up a bit late (which I don't think would be a big problem). I just don't know how tomorrow's going to work, since I'm supposed to work from 6-11 now, and I was going to use the afternoon to get some stuff done, but my cousin's going to be oot and aboot in the afternoon, around 1... and I'll probably be the one who's asked to entertain her. Argh. Don't get me wrong, I don't have a problem hanging out with my cousin (aside from I haven't spoken to her much in the last several years, so I don't have a lot that I can think of to talk to her about), it's just that I was thinking of getting some reading/writing or even cleaning done. Just spoke to the folks -- I can get the car tonight, but I'm expected to put in smiley time tomorrow (the two aren't related). "In 20 years, she hasn't been up here!" "Yeah, and fourth year university, I have a paper due this week!" "Get what you can done today.." "Umm... let's see, that would be a shower, and then go to class and work. :P"

*sigh* As I was saying... up until that (I'm tired and grumpy right now), I was doing well. Invited myself over to Ben's place Wednesday night, and had fun. Lots of laughs, lots of good conversation, watched fun tv and movies, and got to bed at 4 in the morning. Urgh. But it was a good, fun, non-moping night, and I really enjoyed it. Last night, picked Di up and drove downtown. Had a funky conversation with her PL boy, then had a funky/weird conversation with the Second Cup guy, and then off to class it was. I think I did okay on the quiz, although I wished I'd put in some real studying time. Ah well. Afterwards, went to my playground and picked up Homer's Iliad and Odyssey, and Ovid's Metamorphoses, as well as a Cosmo (*blush*), but I'm saying that's for my women and media class -- we're encouraged to bring them in for the ads.

Went over to work and chatted for awhile with the security guards (both named J, but not the J I used to talk about on here, who hates me), then went upstairs and chatted with K for awhile. We ended up making plans to catch a movie Monday night, since we both have the evening free, and then I drove him home. Had funny conversations with people on MSN last night and finally went to bed around 2.

I think I've come full circle now, so there's the catch-up.

Gotta write emails today -- I owe some to a few people. And now it's time for me to get moving. I'm tired. *pout* But Di's my new hero, 'cause she picked up the hottie. ;)

2002/09/24

Here's a picture of my baby girl, for those who never saw her. She looks like she might be fat in this picture, but rest assured, she never was; she was always a skinny little thing, unlike my chubby kitties that I have now.

Chloe, I still miss you and think of you often (that's often, frequently, not often, a person who has lost his parents :).

I've given up on putting on the brave face, and I'm just being how I am. I'm sure the coworker is bitching to someone somewhere about how unfriendly I am or how self-absorbed, but I just don't have the emotional energy right now to play nice for anyone. I feel two-faced doing it, and it depresses me. I'm not being all morose and depressed on anyone, but I'm also not playing Super Happy Fun Girl if I don't feel it.

From the wee bit I read on the web, I'm not having a nervous breakdown, which is a good thing, I guess. On the other hand, it's a bad thing, 'cause it means that all this crying and whatnot I'm doing every other day is a product of something else, and it's scary. I keep having scary thoughts, bad thoughts, and I don't know what to do about them. I can't write about them here or tell anyone because I'll be accused of being melodramatic or stupid or irrational or I'll feel like I'm doing it just to get pity or attention or something. People will read it as "you're just doing this to get him back" and I think that myself and I feel like on some stupid level that's part of it but it's not.

I don't understand the readings for Theories of Communications. I don't understand them at all and it makes me frustrated and upset and it makes me cry. I was reading today on the bus home and when I got off the bus I started crying because I don't understand it. I already failed it once and I can't bear to think that I have another like, 10 weeks of this class to go to.

I'm so stressed and so upset and so everything that I'm scared. I have so much reading to do and I don't know when I'll get to do it, and for most of my classes the reading is vital because there are papers based on it or there are midterms directly based on it, so I can't slack in anything. I'm ahead in the readings for two classes, up to date in one, one class I don't think it's necessary for, and the other one (Theories of Communications) I'm behind. I'm so behind and I have to do the readings and I'm so scared that I'm going to fail it again and have to take it a third time. If I fail it this time, I'm going to talk to the prof and then the department about bumping up my mark because I can't take it a third time. If I have to, I'll wind up killing someone.

I think about taking time off work and then I think, what's the point? What am I going to do with the four or six hours I have between classes on Tuesdays and Wednesdays? I don't want to lose my job and I just had a vacation, so I can't really justify more time off, although I don't think my boss would mind. The coworker probably wouldn't say anything to me, and I don't want to explain to him what's going on because I don't need false pity or any pity.

In terms of assignments, this semester is actually lighter than some I've had, so I don't know why I'm so stressed. I have no explanation for why I just sat and cried for five minutes straight while writing this. Maybe the stress relief is all it is and all I need. I haven't told my parents though, not that I've been feeling like this for awhile. Maybe I should, but I just don't know how to bring it up or what they'd say.

I could take some time off, but I'm so close and I've already started to hand in assignments and paid for everything and bought all my books. What's the point?

My schedule got changed for Saturday, just for this weekend, and it really upset me, maybe more than it should've. I don't think I can handle anything very well right now, although I didn't do too poorly about feeling either defensive or crying when it came to being talked to about the specialty show I run on Saturdays. When I mentioned to my boss that I've been crying a lot lately, she asked me, "Bad week?" I answered, "Bad life." She told me, "You're young, get used to it." There's sympathy from you -- this is the same lady that six months ago would've asked me all kinds of questions about what was wrong and if I needed to talk to someone, to go ahead and talk to her.

For the most part, I'm just going to hermit myself. I'm going to look after me, because no one else is. I'm wondering if I should email people so they don't get the wrong idea. I hate worrying so much about what other people think.

things that piss me offPeople that are only nice to you when they need something; otherwise they can't give you the time of day. There are a few people like this at work, and I think I'm in just the place to lose it on one of them. Maybe I'll tell off my boss -- that'll be cathartic.

I hate the way my eyes feel after I've been crying. At least they're a really nice shade of blue afterwards, particularly against the pink. :P

Digger slept on my bed last night (which is usual for him). He was pacing around when I was going through my nightly routine. Sometimes he'll give up and just go downstairs and sleep. Sometimes I'll go retrieve him. :)

Anyhow, last night he was sleeping on my bed in various funny poses, and I was reading so I was moving around every once in awhile. He woke up at one point and sat right up and had a sneezing fit of about a dozen sneezes in a row. I was kinda concerned for him, but he settled down again and went back to sleep afterwards. I think sleeping on his back (as he had been before the sneezing) might've gotten some air or dust up his little nose, and he had to get it all out. My comforter had evidence of kitty snot on it afterwards. ;) (Just some spots that were a bit wet, not actually boogies). It was pretty funny.

2002/09/23

things that piss me off

Words that are deliberately stupidized.

Examples?

Nite. Lite. I saw 'featherwates' today instead of 'featherweights.'

Where the fuck is it written that "lite" is more trendy, more cool, says to the consumer "Hey, this product is lower in fat and calories!" than "light"? Or how about the Wendy's "Late Nite Window" -- ?!? I'm driving along, it's 11 o'clock at night, I'm hungry... I drive right past the Wendy's that says "Late Night Window" 'cause I can't figure out what they mean, but head instead to the one that says "Late Nite Window."

Right.

I'm sorry, these rants are just sucking so far. I promise they'll get better when I actually have something to write about that really pisses me off.

I'm planning to have masochist tattooed across my ass. Or maybe my forehead, so everyone will know. I could always just go with 'stupid,' I suppose.

I'm off to read some of the archives around the time that a lot of the crap with the ex- was going down. Maybe that'll give me perspective.

I miss having someone to confide in. Someone who wants to hear all the nitty gritty of your life and all your thoughts and feelings because they're your boyfriend or your girlfriend. I mean, friends are there, and they're like that, but they have lives that are separate than yours, and may include their own boyfriend or girlfriend, so it's different.

Too many of my best friends have been boyfriends, and when the relationship ends, so does that.

I had another thought here, but it's escaped my brain when I went to do other things. Damn.

I keep trying to compare how I feel in this situation to how I felt when I broke up with the ex- (ah yes, that's where the other thought goes, it'll show up in a sec) to try to determine what my feelings are, or whatever. And yet, it doesn't work that way, or at least I don't think so. They're different people, I'm a different person, the situations and the relationships are different, so I don't think it will work that way. I think I feel how I think I feel, and that's probably about it.

I feel so false sometimes. At times, I'm sitting here, feeling morose and depressed or whatever -- not feeling bright and chipper -- and hiding that in conversations online with smilies and jokes and lighthearted chitchat. I don't know if I'm trying to keep people from worrying or just repeating conversations or what.

I'm tired of feeling this way, but I just can't seem to shake it. Nothing's really that easy.

As for the ex-... we barely talk anymore, and on some level I miss it. I guess part of me just felt somewhat ... I don't know... in a sad way, perhaps superior, because his life is all weird, and he still talked to me about it and confided in me and all that. Someone needed me, if even just for a little bit or for selfish reasons, and the only time he talks to me now is to quiz me on the various things I put in my MSN, and then it's just stuff that doesn't always need or warrant an answer. I don't understand.

Ah hah! The ex- began talking to me. He tried to cheer me up. After a few sentences of this, we have switched to that which is going on in his life. ow we've switched back to me again... hmm... this rule is failing me...

And I've decided that I'm not asking about his life this time around. Every time we talk it's pretty much about him. I'm curious, but I'm not asking.

*snort* I've noticed this pattern before, too; if I don't ask about his life, the conversation doesn't really get prolonged, and off he goes. I'm such a bitch. Maybe that's why I'm alone.

2002/09/22

I've just upgraded my site to BlogSpot Plus. They're going to come out with the ability to password protect parts of your site, and I like the idea of having a separate, password-protected page, if it'll let me do that. I can also put up pictures now and whatnot, and I just figured, what the fuck, let's try it out for a bit, see if I do anything with it. :)

I can also use the separate pages to try out new things, and move content around. I'll even have separate pages for different content, we'll see. :)

To some extent, I've lost the flirtatious side of my personality. With friends, I can still do it; with others, it's a bit trickier.

At the restaurant Friday night, with D and her crew, there were a number of opportunities; I was acting on them, but possibly seeming to come on too strong, who knows? Who cares? The waiter with the pony pen was being strong with his comments, so I didn't mind doing the same; the bartender, I may have scared. But he should be used to it, and we figure he was.

At the frat... I wasn't trying, 'cause I just didn't really care. Overall, I just don't care, which is probably why I haven't been. With D's friend C, I might've, but he was busy and I think he was more interested in D's sister, anyhow; either that or they just knew each other and were chatting.

My identity is not tied up with who I am or am not dating. I don't need a boy (or, more realistically, but not, given my history, a man) to make myself feel confident and good about myself. I just like a little attention once in awhile. Problem being, I tend to like boys who go more for D or her sister... not for frumpy ol' me.

Oh. Well.

I am the personality type, not the looks type. You need to talk to me to decide to keep talking to me.

D loves to call me Samantha, from Sex and the City. Frankly, I wonder if maybe I should adopt more of her. Think sex first, love much much much later. Problem being... well, it's been over a month since I last had sex, and I don't really care, in some ways. I'm not feeling the horny (not as bad as my writings may have given the impression); I'm feeling the loneliness, and missing the closeness of lying with someone semi-clothed or naked or mostly naked. I miss the holding and the snuggling, and the little kisses and yeah, the crazy monkey fucking, too.

Lots of my girlfriends are single right now, depending on what side of the friendship line you look. From one group, all paired up -- I'm one of the few single gals. It's a group that's mostly couples, and that's the group I was with Saturday night. From the Friday-type crew, most of them are single. Different mentalities in each group, too. The coupled ones are older than I am by a few years, and the relationships are pretty long-term; most of them are living together.

With the D crew, we're all university students, young, loud, stupid, fun. I'm not saying the Saturday crew isn't fun, just different fun. Friday's crew is drinking and dancing at bars (well, less emphasis on the drinking), which is sometimes my scene, but not always. Personality-wise, we're more of a match, but activity-wise, I'm somewhere in between the groups. I'm not very athletic, and I can't run, so some of the games that the Saturday crew plays aren't my thing. But no biggie.

Have I rambled enough? Do I make no sense yet?

A feature for today's things that piss me off, and given today's topic, don't be surprised if it comes up a lot.

People that don't listen to the whole thing you're sayingAn example? Like when I say, "I'm kinda tempted to do such-and-such, but I would never do that.

Said that to my mom, and she started chastising me against doing the such-and-such, and didn't seem to be registering me saying, several times, I would never do that. That's happened with a number of people. I'm tempted to do a lot of fucking things, people, and you know how many of them I do? Right. Something like 1%. So relax. Or at least, please listen when I say that I wouldn't do it. Argh.

So Friday night, overall, was a bit of a wash. There was some fun, but it wasn't anything extra-special for me.

Saturday night... Well, work was a sauna, literally -- something's broken or burnt or whatever, so my studio was literally around 25 degrees celsius or so. I wore a tank top to work knowing it would be warm, but didn't think to wear something lighter weight than jeans. I did okay, I was just really tired from having been out late Friday night and then getting up early (and even waking up before my alarm) to get Mom to work so I could have the car. No worries. After work, drove out to backwoods for the party, and I had my little instructions, and when I crossed onto the bridge, I recognized the license plate of the car behind me, and lo and behold, I'd acquired a J. That was the most contact we had all party; him following me to R's parent's place. And he waited while I turned around after I missed the turn off.

Did a lot of chatting, played a game of Battleship, saw the gifts get opened, ate some (lots of) dessert (yay for apples and caramel, yummy -- I think I'll go pick some up for at work tonight), played a game called Werewolf, which was fun, and a boardgame called Ego with some of the ladies, which sparked some interesting discussions. Round about quarter to 1 I decided it was time to pack it in. I followed a couple of cars out, and missed another turn off (different one), but I travelled less than half a click before I turned around and found my way home.

I felt really lonely in the car on the drive home, and I wanted to cry. I don't know why, maybe overtiredness, but sometimes watching all the couples is tough. I kinda envy them their happiness, to a small degree. I miss being a part of a couple like that, and it's been kinda years in a way since I had that. The ex- wasn't very demonstrative in front of others, and we had a long-distance relationship for so much of the most recent time we went out that I didn't really have the 'public' boyfriend. The pizza guy and I were a bit so, but I wasn't feeling that relationship the same way. The coworker and I could occasionally be that way, but I didn't want to very often, 'cause I just didn't feel it with him, either. J and I weren't very coupley in public, and so we're going back six or seven years to when I was with The Ex- (or UBFM for those of you who know that acronym better). *sigh* I don't know what I'm saying anymore.

Anyhow, I think I'm going to be keeping a lot of this stuff in my paper journals, so to avoid boring y'all, and to keep things on a different note, instead of the same record getting played over and over again (mixing metaphors is a hobby of mine). Don't worry, there will still be lots of angsty stuff getting posted, believe you me; it'll just be a different bent, I think. You'll see what I mean.

I had my imood set to fed up for about two minutes, before I changed it to insecure; I'm feeling both, but one more than the other. I'm also feeling stressed, because I've wasted the last few days and accomplished little to no reading, due to my own laziness. And next weekend will be a bit of a wash again; the Saturday crew is getting together Friday night for girly goodness, and the Friday night crew is probably going back to the restaurant Saturday night again. Not too sure if it's a go or not, but we'll see. Time for me to be getting ready for work. *sigh* I'm really tempted to take a few days off work to try to get caught up, but there just aren't very many good ones. Argh. At least I only have less than a year of this to go.

I mean work and school; I have lots of years of the other crap to go, I'm sure.

It's a dance where no one touches; it's a game where you don't acknowledge your participant, yet both of you (or at least one of you) is aware of the other. It's stupid, really, and yet... seems unbreakable, or at least... insurmountable, at least for now.

Wish things could change... at least, which they'd change the way I'd like. But it's best. Or something.

Before I forget, thinking of starting a regular feature called "Things that really piss me off." I collect material by living. It'd be all ranty, something that apparently showcases my writing talents well. Or at least gives people a chance to laugh at me. I'll let you know when I have an entry for it (I was mentally writing one yesterday, but had no chance to write it down.)

Updates on the evening later, after I've had some sleep. I don't feel particularly tired, but I don't know. I was almost crying in the car on the way home, and I haven't slept in too long (or for long enough), so obviously I am.

Sometimes I wonder what other people think of when they think of me. Someone who talks too much? Someone who says things that just aren't that interesting? Someone fun to be around with interesting insights? I was told I was thought of (or at least perceived) as well-informed today, so that was kinda nice (game of Ego). Am I anyone's confidante? Would I be missed if I never went to the gatherings? Am I missed at all? Does anyone want to be 'that special someone' for me, or is friendship sufficient all around?

Last night with the ladies, and this was something I mentioned tonight with a different crew of ladies, I realized that I was the largest one there. With D and her crew, I generally blend into the woodwork. I'm not exotic-looking or stacked or skinny or tall or anything outstanding; I'm slightly rotund, short, kinda blonde, and usually wear glasses; there's nothing especially out-standing with me, and last night, I was the heaviest one of us all. This evening, not so much, but... I guess different groups do shape different ideas of oneself.

Am I a good friend? Why? Do I keep secrets well? Do I provide a good shoulder to cry on or ear to bend? Am I just one of the crew, or do I stand out for a particular reason? (Preferably a good one). Am I someone that people turn to in times of need, or just when no one else is about?

J once said he thought that D wasn't particularly remarkable in the looks department. That was nice to hear, especially since I figure most any guy would rather have her than me.

Mind you, there was one guy who was chatting with me at the frat last night as opposed to her or any of the others, but that may just have been because I was trailing, I don't know.

The psychic tonight was interesting; there were a few things that were said that I felt really applied to me, and it was kinda neat to hear it. Apparently I am a Virgo, as opposed to a blend of Virgo-Leo, which was kinda cool.

Anyhow, I'm going to go to bed now, and dream depressing thoughts. Soon, I will be able to type a coherent sentence or even word (my ability to do which is steadily diminishing, even as I type these words alone). Tomorrow will be the updates on the birthday dinner, frat party, and today's evening. At some point, I may even get some schoolwork done.

And of course, Shadow has chosen now to adopt my lap. Her timing is impeccable. :)

2002/09/19

I have a horrible habit when it comes to conversing with someone, and it's all the ex-'s fault. He started it on me, and now I do it. And I hate it.

Basically, you make a statement that you hope is wrong, and then you wait for the other person to refute it. If they don't, or don't realize that your comment isn't rhetorical or they don't hear it, then you think what you've said is true and you feel depressed.

I said it was a horrible habit.

Then there's the feeling of dread when you make a comment or ask a question, and the hesitation or attempts at evasion start.

And here I'd like to say a hi to J's friends; I didn't realize so many of you had hit the site. Welcome to the Kitty Litter of My Mind, and I apologize for all the crap you're learning about me that you never wanted to know. Mind you, I suppose it depends on how often you hit or how into the site you are. Anyhow, thanks for checking the place out, and a few disclaimers: I promise that I never use full names unless I'm linking to someone else's site. If you ask me to remove something, I will. That which you learn will not always be pretty, and for that, I apologize. Please excuse the mess. And finally... I promise I'm not the insane psycho bitch that I appear on here. I'm not a crazed, deranged stalker or anything else. I just tend to keep a lot of my feelings inside when I'm around others; this site is my journal, my diary, my chance to express in words that which I am feeling. Since its inception, it's gotten more and more in tune with me and my brain, and now it's basically at the same level that the paper diaries I have written in are at. I'm the same way in person; if you want to know how I think or feel about something, all you have to do is ask and be willing to listen for awhile, 'cause I can talk. :)

Anyhow, I think I've kinda said all there is to say about things on here. Obviously, they're not changing anytime soon, and while it's a crying shame (hah), there is nothing that can be done about it. It's one of those life is unfair moments that you learn about when you're about four or five, and never quite get used to ever. There is a little person that lives in the back of my brain who strongly believes that everything will work out for the best, there is always hope to be had in any situation, and things can always get better. It's this little person that needs to be shot, because it's he that says, "Hey, just wait it out a bit, and keep up the honesty; things will happen for you and J!" It's he that vaguely believes that Chloe will return, although he's 99% given up on that. It's he that kept believing that things would pull together for Grandma, or that maybe it would work out sometime with the ex-. And it was he that felt that, "Surely Richard Adams won't kill off Hazel?!" While hope is a wonderful thing, it can really fuck with your head. Therefore, I'm going to find myself a nice horse tranquilizer, and feed it to this little guy the next time he goes to sleep.

They say you can't help who you love. Who you physically love, sure, you can help that. Who you emotionally love? Well, guess not. I used to think there was One Big Love in everyone's life, and it was that person that you got stuck on for good, and with that person you'd work things out. If you were lucky, there were two of them (in the event someone died or you got divorced). Now, I don't know. That little guy is telling me that yeah, there are few people for you, and the big tired woman that is the rest of my brain is just done with the whole mess and not willing to get back in the pool (I'm gonna mix up as many metaphors as I can on here, 'cause y'know what? It's my damn site and I'm entitled!")

I'm somewhat of what you might term a hypocrite, if you will (as the coworker used to love saying, it's the ol' J(x) double standard" -- this is reason number 42 why he is an ass). I'm trying to push people to move on, but I'm not able to do it myself. It took me ages to move on from the ex- -- why should I expect others to be able to do so faster? Well, maybe 'cause they seem able to move on from me faster, I don't know.

I think this is where I revert to the fatalist little person that lives somewhere else in my body, since it would appear my brain is full (of people, if not of valuable things like thoughts and intelligence). The fatalist person says that, "If things are going to work out, they will. If you're meant to be together, you will be." In the meantime, move forward with life.

"Life is pain princess -- anyone that tells you different is selling something."

Wesley, the Princess Bride. One of my favourite movies.

So, when's my turn for some of that happiness crap that the movies and books are so big on selling? Or, to riff off Di's site, share what those happy young couples all have?

Right. Fuck off, to quote Robin Williams.

Angry and sad is a weird mix to deal with at the same time.

Maybe I'm pregnant.

*rofl*

Okay, now that we've gotten that out of our systems...

Y'know the irony of the whole thing? He said he didn't want to hurt me. He said when he very first looked into my eyes, that evening that seems so long ago when we had our first date, he said that he saw someone that had been hurt a lot and was feeling cautious about life and people and relationships.

Something to clarify from last night's post; I don't resent the fact that J reads my site. However, sometimes it's frustrating that, so long as I continue to post in the manner to which everyone is accustomed, he has a pretty much direct insight into my mind on issues (like this breakup, for a prime example). He gets to know basically exactly what I'm thinking (if I post in that manner, which I usually do). But... I have nothing reciprocal. No idea what's going on; if I'm missed, if it's even noticed I'm not around, if I'm missed more as a friend or as a girlfriend, or what.

Distance apparently equals space I'm being given. Things have picked up for him at work, which is good for him, although it seems to be all dull meetings.

Anyhow, early morning class today, can't go into much detail, but there isn't much detail to be had; simply that.

I've decided on the name for my other fish; his name will be Storm, short for Johnny Storm. Poor guy, to go so long, ambiguous about his identity. Always in limbo: "Am I Johnny Storm, or am I Dr. Zeas?" Well, now he knows. There is Dr. Seuss (who keeps making me a bit concerned; maybe I keep walking in when he's napping, I don't know), and Storm. Storm is the one that lost a piece of his fin. I live in fear of walking in one day and finding one of them dead; I think I'd find that utterly depressing.

That was about the course of my day today. That's about the course of my program, my life, my thoughts, my feelings.

I didn't include hope; it wasn't really part of today. It's usually in there, though.

The little things make me happy, and the little things make me sad.

I was asked today if I was dating someone or if I was 'between guys.' Doesn't there have to be the hope or promise of a future one to be between them? Admittedly, I'm sure there will be one further down the line -- who knows, maybe several -- but without one on the horizon, it doesn't seem like I'm between them. Or something.

There are things I will do differently next time, however. For sure.

Next time, I will not get physically involved too quickly. That has been my downfall in many a past relationship.

I will keep my shields up, at least until I am certain; perhaps after the first or second sexual encounter.

I will not reveal too much too soon.

I will perhaps camouflage the more outrageous aspects of my personality, my openness about all things and my willingness to discuss nearly everything under the sun from the get-go, unless the other person introduces the topics first.

I will keep my secrets to myself.

I will not allow them access to this website, so that I might retain the privacy of my head and be able to discuss all the nuances I want without worrying about them debating them with me later.

I will not give out obvious signals; at least not on the first date.

I will be upfront about baggage I am carrying and be cautious of any they have. I realize that baggage is an inevitable part of any person, and I do not begrudge anyone their baggage, as I hope they will not or do not begrudge me mine, but I will hope that they will be honest about theirs with me.

I will not date someone with whom I cannot communicate.

I will not date a coworker, unless I see them less than 50% of the time that I am at work.

I will be cautious of dating anyone older than I, especially beyond 3 or 4 years.

I will be wary of anyone who does not like or is allergic to cats; in the future, I hope to have my own place with cats in it, and if someone dislikes or is allergic to cats, that could very well limit any kind of future we have.

I refuse, point-blank, to date anyone who is cruel to animals. I will be extremely wary of dating anyone ambivalent to animals.

I will not date someone without ambition. If you are unhappy in your job, either put up and shut up, or do something about it. Do not whine and show yourself to be the cowardly little shit that you are because you refuse to do anything about your situation.

I will not date someone who tells me 'this is how I am; get used to it' when I say that something about them concerns me or my safety (such as their driving habits or inability to take accountability for their actions).

I will not date someone significantly less smart than myself. This is not meant as an ego kick of any kind; The Ex- was not very intelligent or mature, and it presented great problems in the relationship. Sometimes I think that is to blame for the coworker and myself.

I will not date someone significantly less mature than myself. I am very mature for my age most of the time, and cannot abide someone who is my age in years and a toddler in mentality or attitude on a regular basis.

I will be cautious about dating someone who does not read, or very little. I have had bad luck in that regard.

I will not date someone who doesn't take me, my concerns, my issues, my responsibilities, my work, my life, seriously. If I have a crisis or tragedy occur in my life, I will need the support of someone loving. If I have work issues or friendship problems or school problems, I want someone to listen to me. I don't necessarily need advice or a solution -- in fact, unless I ask for it in some way, I probably don't need it -- but I do need someone who will listen to me when I tell my problem. In general, when I vent, I feel much better. It's off my chest, and I may not want to talk about it ever again.

I want to be with someone who'll hold me when I cry. I don't do it very often, and sometimes I hide when I do it, but sometimes I just want to be held while I cry it out. It usually doesn't last very long; I'm not very good at crying.

Other terms are negotiable, but some interest in computers is good, as is interest in going out once in awhile, even if it's just to catch a movie or hang out with friends. I'm pretty low-maintenance.

Some of this will apply right off the bat to someone; other stuff will be for later, if the relationship progresses that far.

I'm also extremely clumsy; on my way to the meeting with my partner for audience research (which is so not turning out to be what I expected), I hooked my grad ring on the chain-link fence and did some nice damage to my ring finger. It's a little swollen now, but I can still get the ring off and on without any problem.

Met up with Ben today for lunch and such. Ended up sitting in the boardroom of my work, just chatting away. Nice chat. Conversation ranged from school and such to marriage and other friends and their relationships or how they act in relationships.

I'm tired of justifying other people's actions. I'm tired of making excuses for the people who are close to me. Mom called the ex- a dork, and said that if I hook back up with him again I'm being tossed from the family. It always amazes me that Mom keeps these opinions to herself until she's pretty sure I'm over the person involved. However, hooking back up with the ex- will not be a problem; I've learned that there are a lot of things that I no longer have to settle on, and I've moved on. That chapter of my life is definitely over.

I'm using this year to turn a lot of things around. Started school with a clean slate, so to speak, and so now I can make myself into the person I want to be. If that person is occasionally bitchy or stupid or whatever, then that's allowed.

I want to lie in a field in summer temperatures with friends and watch the stars as we talk about whatever comes to mind.

I want to sit in a pile of friends on the couch, all jumbled together, watching movies and being close, the way we used to be in high school.

I'm feeling nostalgic, or something along those lines; I started crying on the walk home tonight, and I'm near it whenever I think about it. All because I miss Chloe. Nothing really set me off, just missing Chloe.

I want a really good back rub.

I want my neck to stop hurting.

I want a new life. One that won't make me sick. One that won't make me crash my car, or make me feel three feet thick.

I want I want I want I want I want I want I want I want I want.

*sigh*

I'm going to bed.

But for anyone that's read this far, some news. I beat my personal record last night. The bar has been raised to five. And yes, it's probably what you think, and y'know what? Good for me. Everyone does it, it's healthy, and I got no one else to do it for me now, so don't deny me my fun.

There, I ended on a positive note. Or at least an up one. Well, hopefully it made you laugh.

And thanks "everyone" for the support. It's appreciated, whoever you might actually be in real life.

I'm tired of people doing or saying things that I find stupid because they care about me.

Case in point? This stuff with J. Also, things with the coworker.

Apparently I can't be bothered to get much more descriptive than that; this post is a do-it-yourself one, where you, the readers, provide me, with the missing content!

Right. ;)

In the countdown clocks... it's been 3 weeks and (basically) 4 days since I last had sex (Jesus Murphy). It's been 1 week and 6 days since I last had a boyfriend. It's been 1 week since I last saw J, live and in person. It's been 4 days since I last had a good conversation with him (although that one was about relationship issues, posted earlier this week. It's the ranty one).

What else? Well, lots of things I could countdown, but those are the ones weighing most heavily on my mind. Well, those and due dates for various papers, assignments and tests. Got a presentation tomorrow evening, then a test the following Thurdays (the 26th). October and November get kinda cramped -- most things seem to be grouped around particular times of the month, not spread out -- but it's not *too* bad. At least, I hope not. :P

Started working on the demo tape for news tonight, so that was good. At least I'm starting, right? I put some stuff onto minidisc, I just have to practice a few times before I feel confident enough to turn anything in. I think I have a half-decent news read, and I find if you listen to your voice enough (and pull it when you project from the diaphragm, the proper way to talk on air), then it doesn't sound as weird or as awful anymore. :)

Gotta clean my room. It's pretty awful looking. Once I get some free time (hah!), that's when that's going to happen. So... when I move out. ;)

Got a birthday party for a friend of J's/kinda myself this weekend. I'm looking forward to it, even though, like always, I'm turning up to it late because of my work schedule. I'd originally ICQ'd J to ask him if he could pick me up from it, since Mom was working and I couldn't get the car, but she says if I drive her to work I can have it, which means I cancelled that. I didn't feel good about asking anyone, especially him, to come and get me, since it was right in the middle of the festivities and all... he doesn't really offer me rides anymore, so I hate to ask for them. Feels weird.

Speaking of weird... I don't know what the hell's going on. I don't know if he misses me or even notices that he doesn't see me anymore or barely talk to me or what. I think he's giving me my space again, or maybe he's just been really busy the last bit and hasn't had a chance to hang around online and talk boring with me (that's from my side it's nothing exciting that I'm telling him, I mean). Garr. Talked to one of the news people from work about all this stuff on Sunday, and it's nice to know that someone else would be reacting like I have been in the situation -- i.e., the temptation to speak up to J's ex-, or feeling just the various things I've been feeling that I've detailed here.

I did two straight days of exercising, and some healthy eating. Did two days of yoga, and one evening (same as one of the days) on the exercise bike that Mom and Dad bought -- a solid half hour of the fat burning program. It had me sweating, and I did stop/slow down two or three times across the half hour. I got some reading done for my classes at the same time, so that was good. :) Didn't do anything Sunday or today, but I'm going to try to put in some time on one or the other tomorrow morning, at least.

What else? My life is pretty routine. At least, it's gonna be for awhile; go to work, go to school, go home and panic about all the reading I have left to do and aren't doing 'cause I'm fucking around, doing nothing. It'll be fun! :P

Anyhow, time for me to pack it in. Full day tomorrow and all that funness.

And thank you, as always, to my readers, whomever you may be. I appreciate knowing that someone out there is interested enough to read about my trials and tribulations, and maybe is even rooting for me in the ongoing mess that is my social/personal life. Either that, or you're wishing I'd shut the fuck up and stop whining. But at least you're reading, so it works out for me. ;)

2002/09/16

A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to "Where do pets come from?"

Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us."

And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.

And it was a good animal.

And God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.

And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."

And God said, "No problem. Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."

And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.

And they were comforted.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well."

And God said, "No problem! I will create for them a companion who will be with them forever and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration."

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.

And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.

2002/09/15

I want someone to make love to me, and take the time to drive me wild, make me crazy with wanting. Tease me and please me so that I'm practically begging for the next step. Learn what makes me crazy and what slows me down, and make good use of it. Tie me up and blindfold me so that I can't see what's going on, and talk to me the whole time, encourage me to be vocal and talkative with you.

Spend time on my neck, my shoulders, my ears... my face, my lips. Make your way slowly down my body, with occasional 'advance previews' of gentle touches or caresses on the other parts of my body awaiting attention. Stroke my legs, my arms gently. Run just the tip of your finger across my collarbone or down my side. Find out what makes me moan (like gently scraping your teeth along the right moistened part of my neck) and what makes me squirm and what makes me feel cherished and loved.

Don't rush things. Let me feel the press of your body against mine, the feel of the hair on your body abrading the soft and sensitive parts of mine. Use your lips and tongue lightly; what you think is a teasing pressure is to me just perfect. See and feel me arch towards your touch and bite my lip as I wordlessly beg you for more; more of the same, more pressure, more everything. Make me verbally beg for it but not answering my body's pleas.

Let me feel your palms against my back or feet, just stroking gently. Those touches make me feel cared for, warmed from the inside out, and comforted. I love the feel of your hands across my waist and abdomen, or smoothing down my sides. Alternate between the full press of your palm or the gentle tickle of just your fingertip; keep me guessing.

Once things start getting more intense, however, don't neglect those places that bring me the most pleasure. Focus on those, read my body's responses to you. Arching my back towards you, holding my breath, moaning gently or moving to follow your hand is a good sign; me flinching, not responding, or making little painful grunts isn't. If you don't know; ask. I'd love to tell you how much what you're doing to me feels good.

Use your mouth and tongue to tease me; be careful with your teeth. They're not very nice on anyplace sensitive on my body. All it takes is some gentle licking, and I'm pretty much yours. I'll let you know when it's time for more. Make me beg to have you inside of me. Make me want that more than anything else you're doing to me. Make me come a few times before you'll take me, if you'd like. Or make me wait to come until you do take me. You're in charge.

Realize that whatever you do to me, I'm likely to do to you in spades. I like to return favours, and I like to please you. You don't have to please me first in order to get that, but it certainly helps your cause. Sometimes I want nothing but to drive you out of your mind, and receive nothing but that pleasure from it; other times I want you to do the same to me. Focus on me and set aside your own physical needs, at least for awhile.

But above all... talk to me. Tell me how sexy I look, smell, and feel. Tell me how much you love to kiss me, hold me, taste me and touch me. Make me feel loved, and sexy, and wanton. Make me feel like I'm driving you crazy just by the way I respond to your touch. I want to feel like you're as crazy to have me as you're making me. I want to later tie you up and blindfold you and make you beg for me, the way you're making me beg for you. I want to share that connection and experience that chemistry. I want to feel crazy and frantic and desperate and feel like you're the only thing that can satisfy me. I want you to feel the same way about me. I want to feel sexy and loved.

2002/09/14

Feeling horny, feeling crummy, feeling stressed. Work went well, did some chatting with the peoples, that's always fun. Folks bought a really nice exercise bike, so I think I'm going to go find some space on that and bring some of my readings and see what we can bring together on it. Done two mornings in a row of the yoga, it's all good. Hopefully it'll continue good. The only morning I can see being a real problem is Wednesday morning, since I get up at 6:30 to be in for my 8:30 class. Maybe I can afford to skip a day, or do the exercises when I get home that night.

I moved the CD-Rs away from Dr. Seuss' side of the tank, and he seems happier. I think he didn't like being hemmed in, and now there's more access to the light for him, it's all good.

Seem to be catching the sister's cold, but it seems to just be affecting my throat -- hopefully it'll go no further. I've got the sexy voice going on now, so I'll do my demo tape and be happy. :)

Can't help but feel I'd be willing to go through with the relationship in spite of the problems... I mean, everything I know and read seems to say that it should be up to the person if they want to go through the grief and stress, but J doesn't see it that way and isn't willing, and maybe in the long run it's best; after all, maybe down the line I'd end up resenting him or something. Still though, the relationship was good and all... *sigh* I'm feeling almost nostalgic or something about it. Not sure how to classify my feelings.

Coworker's being a tool. I was thinking about things today (yesterday?) and getting really angry about some shit that he pulls and has pulled and can see him pulling. He sent me the email (a part of which I quoted), and then Friday, when I was in the studio and he was at home, he was all like, "So, I guess you don't want to be friends, considering you didn't reply to my email" and all this crap. ARGH! I'm just so fucking sick of his crap and his blame and how EVERY SINGLE THING is automatically my fault. I'm not willing to do it. I'm not. I'll be polite and civil to him, and I honestly don't think he wants anything more than that. I mean, I don't think after all his posturing about how much I hurt him and blah blah blah that he wants to hang out with me outside of work. He has fucked up definitions for everything, and refuses to conform to the norms on anything, because "that's the way [he] is and you just have to accept that". Fuck. Lord save me from stubborn people.

Anyhow, I'm not thinking about that, because it'll just get me more and more pissed off. And that's not the goal for today. Today's goal is to get some reading done. :)

I was thinking about getting my other tattoo today, and my mom told me about a half hour ago that if I get another tattoo, they're taking up smoking again. So, if I want that on my conscience... :) My mom's funny, eh what? :)

I have to say, getting dumped has been excellent for my blog. Apparently I write that much more when I'm having a crisis, rather than something good going on in my life. :) I'm aiming for something good, but it's tough. Stupid period, playing havoc with my emotions and all that crap. I gotta clean my room. Again. It's pretty awful.

Maybe I should just move out. :P :)

So, final thoughts for now, unless anything changes this evening? Well, horny, kinda bored, gonna get put to sleep by the reading, and I'm off to do some working out. Life is grand. :P

2002/09/13

Made my last-ditch efforts tonight. Apparently J was expecting me to speak up when he told me that he wanted to break up with me (9 days ago and counting), and he figured I'd say that I could tough it out. We talked about it tonight, and he said that he wouldn't let me do that, since he'd feel guilty, etc., etc., etc. So, I ask, what's the point to me saying anything on the subject?

I asked him if he actually meant it when he said that he was falling for me, and he said... well, here. Violating all rules of netiquette some more, here's the latter half of the conversation (first half got lost when IE exploded on me :P):
Me: Quite simply, the few boyfriends I've had that I was able to be myself around, and let down all my shields and all that were the ones that I was in love with. I've been trying to figure out (for a bit now) if it was too early to feel that way about you, even though I was/am pretty convinced that I was/am.
J: That's usually how it feels when it's supposed to be right. Don't feel bad, atleast you know what love is and are able to meet someone whom you can be yourself around, it's not that easy for some people.
Me: Such as yourself?
Me: Does this mean I was wrong to believe you when you said you'd fallen for me?
Me: Or is your definition of falling for someone different than mine? Or you thought that I expected to hear it, or ... ?
J: No, I was falling pretty hard for you, then reality made me realize that someone was going to get hurt in the long run. You really got to me.

So, the last line is kinda sweet. The first part kinda pissed me off, though... I mean, here I am implying that I love him, and that's what he has to say? Well, reread the whole sentence, I kinda took issue with all of it (as you might be able to tell from the questions that followed. :P)

It's a whole martyr thing, almost. I can appreciate what he's doing (as I say all the time), but I said earlier in the conversation that he has to stop assuming guilt for everyone -- that I'm a grownup and if I want to tough something out with him, as people and friends are supposed to do for one another, then I should be allowed to make that choice. I don't know. I kinda made the offer this evening, and it was pretty discounted, so... *shrug* We're at an impasse, as we both keep saying.

*grump* *grump* *grump* My boss asked me today what crawled up my ass. I wonder if this means I can ask her the same thing when she's in a bad mood? ;)

So, quite simply (well, not really), I give up. I tried. Maybe not hard enough, but... I don't know. I was honest with him and I told him how I felt and where I stood, and it still wasn't good enough. Maybe somewhere down the line, when I get over him, I'll find someone that appreciates all these wonderful things I apparently am and can bring to a relationship (eat that, coworker), and that person will want to be with me, in spite of any problems or whatnot. And maybe he'll love the fifty cats my house will be invariably filled with, 'cause that's what I want for when I grow up. :)

Oh yes, and thank you to my visitors for returning. I like to see that I get over a hundred hits a week, if I don't know who y'all are. Hope you enjoy my soap opera! :) (And I promise, next time I have raunchy details to post, I will. Maybe I'll start quoting romance novels...)

Today was, overall, a good day. Did some reading at home, had a 2-hour nap when the reading just got too boring to go on, then drove in for class. Had a couple WTF are you doing? moments on the drive to work (where I parked), but otherwise it was good.

Class was fun, hard on the hand though; the prof goes quickly and we have a lot of notes to write. But since it's interesting material, it balances out. And I'm a fast writer, so I don't mind.

Got together with Di after class, and met a few new people from her crew. We chatted for awhile, then when they went to the bar, I went to work. I had to setup a minidisc for tomorrow, since I don't think the coworker will remember or be in on time for it, so since I was in the area... no big deal. Pizza guy was walking by my work right at that moment, so I stood and chatted with him and his friend for a bit. We both said we had soap opera lives, he said H could likely fill me in on his... I was nice to her and didn't say she already had. He said he got my postcard (now everyone has said they got them, and I've gotten thank yous from everyone that received them), and that he was thinking of calling me. We made vague plans to 'do something soon,' and then I went in. Did my errand, then chatted with K, one of the other producers (who's been there for about 5 years or something), and then, since it was nearly time for him to be off, I hung around the extra five-ten minutes and drove him home. I really enjoy talking to him; he really makes me laugh a lot, and he's really quite cool. We've chatted a lot since I've been there, and I like him.

The fishies are hovering around the feeding hole... just a second while I make sure they don't starve to death and die on me while I blithely type away. :)

Crap. Dr. Seuss is seriously depressed; I really gotta move him someplace. Maybe on my dresser, or maybe just in the basement, like Mom said I could. I'd feel better if he was in the kitchen, though. Damn.

Di and I had a nice sexual chat while we were waiting for her friends to show up. I realized earlier today that I'm really, truly and honestly open about things; I mean, people think I'm open here, and maybe that the anonymity of it has something to do with it, but honestly? Not really. I mean, I do censor myself a bit at times, in an attempt to focus more on my life and not be exposing parts of someone else's life that they may not want me to, but for the most part, this is how I am in real life, or maybe slightly less... i.e., I'm just a tad more open in person, if such a thing is possible. I still try to censor myself in person, too -- it's not often that I'll tell someone with whom I'm speaking, "So, so-and-so was built like..." or "yeah, so-and-so could never get me off." But when it comes to details about me? Sure, I'll spill. "I came screaming." That's a favourite one. ;) (Oh hell, it's just a favourite part of life!) Something like that, sure, generally needs names, or they're assumed, based on whomever I'm dating at the time. But those are positive details. I think those ones are good ones to share. "I was going down on him, and he was just off in space, even after he came." Shit like that? That's awesome, man. ;) Even the being there/doing it part. I love bringing pleasure to my partner, especially if they're either vocal, or zonked by it, or really appreciative after the fact... or during. :)

"I had one like that too, but with wheels." -- Funny quote from K. :)

I gotta be careful -- real names are slipping through my fingers, I've almost posted them twice!

Hmm... what else? Coworker is weird. Here's the actual quote: "Sorry to hear about you and J. Now that we're back where we both started, if you want to try to build a normal friendship, I'm willing to try." I mentioned it to one of the girls at work with whom I chat (who knows somewhat about the situation), and she started laughing a bit, she figures the next one that's going to come is going to be something about "loneliness is a good starting point for a friendship" or something along those lines. Does this sound like a "let's get back together, I still love you" situation? Hmm.

Anyhow, such is life as I know it for this edition. Tune in next week... sorry, channeling television there for a minute. Time to hit the sack (or at least somewhere near it), but since I'm chatting with Jay, likely won't be for a bit yet. :) I'll let you know what else is going on after I have to interact with the coworker tomorrow.

2002/09/12

Yeesh. Get dumped (sorry, broken up with?) and the world goes nuts. All of a sudden long time friends are coming onto you ;), and the coworker decides that now he can be your friend again. "Because we're both in the same situation" -- which means either he and his girlfriend are no longer together, or because we're both single in Ottawa. Does this mean if I started dating someone else, he couldn't be my friend? Yeesh.

It's freezing here, today and yesterday. I don't like. :(

Today is reading day. I went to bed early last night, woke up early this morning, and now I'm off to do some more daytime prep stuff and reading. *sigh* I can do this!

2002/09/11

And for the record... I'm not pissed off or angry at J. I think what he's doing is really honourable and I respect it. I just whine for me, and my lost opportunities. I'm not of the "He sucks for passing me up!" opinion, although maybe... ;) *shrug* Like I've said, Di and I and all my other girlfriends are awesome... some day we'll find someone for us, someone who fits all that stuff down there.

I believe in "the right one." I believe that while yes, there are tonnes of great people for you out there, there's one that's really the right one for you. The One. You can have a happy life with someone who's great and all, but you can have a really great marriage and life with someone who is The One. Or at least, I don't think you should have to keep looking once you've found someone who is a great one. Okay, so I'm totally contradicting myself. I lie or don't know my own head.

I'm not a crazy psycho stalker. I promise. I'm not calling J's place twenty million times a day... in fact, I've not spoken to him much since all this went down -- not all my fault, either. I don't see him online much, and I don't call him because I figure he's out with his friends. *shrug* Although today's his ex's kid's birthday, so he's likely out for that. Poor little guy; sharing a birthday with the American's big sobfest (I do have sympathy for the people who died in the attacks, but I also have a whole rant about how the Americans are turning this into a "how dare the little doggy that I've been kicking turn and bite me? Bad doggie!" kind of thing. Argh!). At least I know he'll like the toy J got him.

Anyhow, I'm going to take a pill for my back and do some reading until I pass out. Tomorrow's another day, it's a day off, and it's one that will hopefully be warmer and better.

Can I fast forward a few months, or even get a peek to see how things will be then? It'd help a lot.

I want to stop thinking and feeling and just dismiss everything. I need my walls again. I need to be back in my stupid little fortress of non-feeling, where I can't get hurt. I can live without sex, it's not the highest of priorities to me (in spite of this blog being like, 85% devoted to the topic :)... it's the cuddling, the feeling, the little tender touches and kisses that I miss. I want someone who'll press a soft kiss to my neck when we're cuddling, just because my neck is there and looks good, and because it makes me shiver or make a contented noise or arch my neck to receive more. I want someone who'll hold my hand in public. I want someone who'll rub my back when I'm there, or just put their hand on or their arm around my waist so I can feel comforted and warm and held. I want someone who'll slow dance with me to a nice song on the radio, in the privacy of their own home or mine. I want someone who'll take the time to befriend my cats -- both of them, not just Shadow 'cause she's the slutty younger one. I want someone who'll touch my hair when they're kissing me, or wrap their arms around me to hold me close. I want someone who'll hug me for no good reason, just because I'm there and give nice hugs. I want someone who'll go down on me because they enjoy it, not just because I might happen to expect it. I want someone who treats me in the bedroom the same way I treat them; with respect, with caring, with tenderness, and sometimes with roughness and ravaging. I want someone who wants to give me pleasure and not always receive, the same way that I am. I want someone who'll accept all these same things from me and come up with others I can't even think of.

I want someone who'll wrap me tight in their arms when we cuddle on the couch. I want someone who'll spoon with me for a bit before we fall asleep. I want someone who's comfortable hanging around with me naked, especially after sex. I want someone who looks me in the eyes and kisses me when they say they love me, and I want someone who loves me. I want to love someone back. I want to find my perfect relationship and go with it. I want my life to move forward with that perfect person.

I'm horny, I'm injured, I'm grumpy, I'm tired, I'm stressed, and school has been in session one whole week.

I feel like crap. I want that feeling to go away. I want to get back what I had.

I want to go out with someone who wants my company. I want to be important to someone. I want to be able to make someone happy, just by being around. I want to be able to cheer someone out of a bad mood. I want to put on this song (Lick, by Joi) and have crazy slow grinding techno sex. I could strip to this song. Not the best of songs to be listening to when you're horny, though.

I want to get beyond this point. I feel self-absorped and crappy. I didn't feel like this when the ex- and I were breaking up. I don't know why now is so different. I'm not bawling my eyes out the way I did then, or getting angry, but I think that's because there isn't someone in the picture that J is dating/fucking, like it was with the ex- (I'm going to have to come up with another name for that guy. It'll be like Prince -- "the guy formerly known as the ex-").

Scary class doesn't seem too bad. 15% each to two reading journals, a term paper at 30%, and then the final, into which we can bring out course reader and whatever scribbles we've made in it, at 40%. I think I'll be able to scrape out a C+, at least.

Fuck, fuck, fuck. Can I please have my lobotomy now? I hate this. I really really hate this, and I don't know what to do to change it. FUCK!

2002/09/10

So then, I just give it up. I give up on all of it and I'll just totally hermit myself and do nothing but study and read. I haven't a clue how I'll have the time to do it, or even when, but maybe it's a good thing that I'm not in a relationship right now, because I wouldn't have time for it. Or, I'd make time for it and then I'd feel guilty about all the work I have to do and haven't.

I want to be more than a friend. I want to be better than just that. I want to be what I was, and I want it to be how it was. So much for hugs, huh? Guess that's not really an issue. Guess maybe I was just reading more into everything, as I always do. At first I was afraid that I wasn't as into the relationship... guess that bit me on the ass when it changed. Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck.

I don't know... I'm upset and I'm not upset. I want and I don't want. There was a cute boy sitting behind me today in class. He apologized when he kicked my chair, and I gave him back his bag when it fell off the little step into my row. We kept meeting eyes, but I don't know how deliberate it was.

Tomorrow is the scary class, the class I failed last time. Dr. Seuss, my blue Siamese fighting fish (or betta fish, if you prefer), seems to be depressed. He's not as swimmy active as he used to be. I'm going to try moving them into the basement, and see if maybe that helps. I think he likes to have light; there was light in the kitchen and lights installed above his little container (it's hardly a tank) over at J's place.

My writing course begins tomorrow. This is the college course I've signed up for, distance-learning style. I kinda hope there isn't much reading to do; who knows when I'll actually have time. In fact, who knows if I actually have time for the course itself, but I'm going to try. It's kinda scary to me. I don't know why; I've been in school for the last 17 years straight, but I guess because it sounds so serious: "Writing for Publication I". There's a II, I might take it next semester if it's offered. I only have four courses next semester (assuming I don't fail the scary course, although I've heard that this prof isn't too bad), and there's already another course for radio I kinda want to take, too. That one I'd have to go to the campus for.

Anyhow... trying to lose some weight on top of everything else. Or at least eat healthier so I don't gain anymore, and perhaps so that I will be attractive to the boys! Yeah, 'cause that's what it's all about.

*sigh* Fuck. Argh, argh, argh and fuck. I just want. Yeah. Some people (like D, not Di), have said that they don't think he was good enough; she said he didn't dance, he didn't talk enough, that now that this has happened, the seed of doubt will always be there for me (if we hooked back up again), and that anytime his ex- calls, he'll drop everything (i.e., me), and go running to her beck and call, because of the child. They've said that the next one'll be even better, and everything I'm feeling will just apply even more so to the next one. I've been told that there are tonnes of great, awesome guys out there and I just have to find them. But when will they accept that I was happy, and I don't/didn't feel the need to keep looking? I mean, it's what the ex- is going through now -- that the grass is always greener, and the next upgrade will fix the problems in the current one. Well, the problems I had with the current one (sometimes a bit rough, constant teasing, nail biting) were all things I could deal with. I know that if I said, "Please don't tease me about this, I'm sensitive about it," then I'd never hear a thing about it. There was a time that we were insulting each other, and he said something that I found a bit too far, but before I even said anything about it (which I was debating), I received an apology and I was told "that was too far, I'm sorry."

I just want her to go away. Far away, maybe marry someone else. I'm being so completely selfish and unfair and maybe at some point soon I'll move beyond it. But for now... sometimes I feel I'm fine (like on the 9th), and sometimes I feel I'm not. Mostly now though, I just feel numb. I think I've reached another point where I'm shutting off my emotions (being the robot that the coworker once accused me of being), and just being... the student. The employee. The friend.

Di, hon, when (if) you read this... I think I know why you were trying to get in touch with me early. I'm sorry baby. :( Tell him it's all his fault though, and what the hell did he expect to find on your site? Yourself singing his praises all the time? Forget about it!

Forget about it seems like good advice. So many of us gorgeous, intelligent, wonderful women are just getting discarded or used or set aside, like we don't have feelings or we don't care or we don't matter. Maybe I should be looking at it that way, get some good ol' righteous anger going on. Although, it's for altruistic reasons, so it's not entirely fair or accurate. Fuck.

2002/09/09

46. I'm a massage whore; I love to receive them, but I'm not especially good at giving them.
47. I'm bad at saving money.
48. I'd love to visit Paris.
49. Sometimes I use ICQ or MSN to say things I can't quite bring myself to say in person.
50. I want to hear "I love you" from someone that I love (but only if they mean it, of course). I'd like that person to be the one meant for me for good.

And so, with the moving out of the fish, thus ends Chapter 6 of my life.

I've decided on another period of celibacy. I'm too tired to play the game for awhile, and I'm not really into casual fucking. I think it's fine for some people, and at times it's been kinda okay for me, but I've realized after a round or two of it that I just prefer the relationship. With a boyfriend, you have a more likely chance of getting cuddled when you want it than with a fuck friend. Or maybe I've just picked the wrong fuck friends, who knows?

Anyhow, what are we at now? My calendar is still on June, that's sad. I missed out on King Penguin month and Magellan penguin month, both cute. This month is the King Penguin colony though, so that's all good. Today's (kinda) the 9th... so it's been over two weeks, anyhow. At least I have a good running start. :P No matter, things are clearer when we're celibate, as I discovered last time. I'll be fine. Possibly grumpy, but fine. :)

Being thrown back in sucks, though. I thought I could stop playing the game for awhile, but now here I am, right back at it, if I so desire. I'm not sure. Part of me wants to wait, part of me wants to just go out and see what I can rustle up, and part of me doesn't want to do anything (which will probably just about amount to waiting). It wasn't as awkward as I thought being there to get the fish. Maybe because I'd decided ahead of time to not be weird about it, or maybe because we were chatting earlier. Maybe I'm not as everything as I thought I was. I wish I could just crack open my head and read everything written there in fine print, and just have it all explained to me. At least, how I feel on the matter. Maybe it's just because my moods and emotions have been going up and down the last few days anyhow -- I was just in a mellow/accepting mood this evening, compared to this afternoon's semi-weepy mood that I had while we were on the phone. Maybe I'm just wanting what everyone else seems to have, instead of the person himself? I don't think so. I don't think I could be(feel) what I was(am feeling) if that were the case. I don't think I'm quite that screwed up. Maybe close, though.

Argh, argh, argh, argh. No more serious relationships. I'm tired of the game and I'm only 22. Somehow I doubt this attitude will help me find Mr. Right, unless I pick from my past (I'm still thinking in syllables, after joining a haiku war), and frankly, that's not gonna happen. *sigh* I give up. Are there any convents or nunneries for non-religious people?

2002/09/08

31. My neck, particularly the sides and back, are very sensitive and I love the feeling of having teeth scraped across it or slightly moist kisses placed on it.
32. The cartiledge in my ears are also sensitive, and respond well to nibbles or light tongues.
33. I love when guys have sensitive nipples.
34. I love when the guy I love looks at me with lust in his eyes.
35. I love when the guy I love looks at me with love and tenderness in his eyes, like I'm the most important person to him at the time, or like I make him incredibly happy just by being me.
36. I love waking up and seeing the guy I love lying next to me.
37. I rarely wear makeup unless it's a special occasion.
38. I keep gifts, even cheap ones, long past when I probably need to.
39. I still have pretty much all of my stuffed animals.
40. I like to do logic problems to keep my mind sharp.
41. I like to cross stitch.
42. I would like to have a guy approach me, as a result of eye contact I've given, to flirt with me; it's never happened.
43. I wish my future fiance would propose to me on bended knee, in a location that's special to both of us, preferably with us both dressed up.
44. I want a casual wedding, but with my fiance/husband in a suit or tux and me in a fairly traditional white wedding gown. I don't want an expensive, elaborate wedding.
45. I want to have all my remaining grandparents at my wedding.

26. My favourite romantic comedy is When Harry Met Sally.
27. I need a clean bathroom and a clean kitchen, but other rooms can get untidy.
28. I don't like to iron or sweep; scrubbing is fine and vacuuming is okay.
29. I like to bake.
30. I like East coast music and jazz music and a whole eclectic mix.

1. Majority.
In order to call shotgun, the majority of people must be in sight of the vehicle. This includes the driver.
2. Shotgun.
The first person to say "shotgun" (or other acceptable terms such as shot or shotty. Words that do not have 'shot' in them, such as 'gun' are not acceptable.) in its entirety gets shotgun.
3. Partial trip.
The person who is riding shotgun is entitled this position until the stated destination. eg. if traveling across town a stop is made at a food store, upon exiting the store shotgun is still in effect.
4. Respect.
Significant others of the driver or other people related (non siblings) to the driver need not call shotgun.
5. Greasy Puerto Rican.
If called, the caller must know what it means and must get to the door first.
6. Drivers Preference.
Driver has final say in any shotgun case.

Shotgun Fallacies.
No return trip rules are valid.
Although one may be outside, shotgun cannot be called unless in sight of the vehicle, even in crowded areas such as a parking lot.
Shotgun is not allowed to be called from inside any permanent, fixed structure.

Shotgun's Jobs
Shotgun is the disc jockey. (Driver has final say in music)
Shotgun holds anything picked up. eg. videos, pizza, etc.
Shotgun can be used as cup holder for first five minutes of trip but no longer. However, during a long trip, shotgun can be used in short durations but is not to be abused.

Surgeon General Says Children Calling Shotgun Dangerously Early
by TheSpark's Christian Rudder

Don't let this happen to you.

Washington, D.C.— Calling it a "crisis among our nation's children," Surgeon General Elmo Cooper said that America's youth are calling shotgun far too early, and that he will lead a campaign to stem the trend. Dr. Cooper hopes that the country will rally around the new slogan "Just Don't Say Shotgun" and stop calling for the front seat hours, even days, sooner than necessary. The campaign will feature a series of dark, brooding ads showing young people who've lost friends by calling shotgun too soon. In one compelling spot, a young boy, stranded at the mall by his friends for calling shotgun during the movie they had come to see, says, "Now what the fuck am I gonna do?" as they drive off. He is then run over by a truck, and, later in the ad, stray dogs tear apart his forgotten corpse.

Dr. Cooper says that, medically speaking, "a premature call is the exclaiming of 'shotgun' before any part of the vehicle is in view," but he said that the definition will have to be revised in light of troubling new data. To illustrate the problem, Dr. Cooper brought several afflicted teens to speak to reporters. Said Billy Gaynor, a hardened seventeen-year-old from Knoxville, "The first thing I do every morning is call shotgun eight, maybe ten, times. That gets me a few good rides. But I still can't beat the people who set their alarms at like 4:00 A.M." Dr. Cooper warned that while many youths, particularly young men like Mr. Gaynor, glorify shotgun and think it is 'sweet', calling it too early can have many dangerous side effects, including peer ridicule and rides in the trunk. Studies have also suggested that early shotgun-calling can lead children to prematurely blurt out other things, such as semen, which can have serious consequences later in life.

Explaining the early calling rise, Dr. Cooper said, "Children learn from their parents that riding shotgun is more spacious, so naturally, they want to sit up front when they are old enough to make seating decisions for themselves." Kids also face peer pressure from older children, who make fun of and sometimes scoot the seat back on children who don't ride shotgun. Dr. Cooper concedes that this abuse is deserved, but he implores parents to hide that fact from their kids: "Our children must not know that they're bitches for riding in the back. That way we can always get the front."

Martha's way #1:
Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.

The Real Women's Way:
Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake, you are probably lying on the couch, with your feet up, eating it anyway.

Martha's way #2:
To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.

The Real Women's Way:
Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.

Martha's way #3:
When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.

The Real Women's Way:
Go to the bakery. They'll even decorate it for you.

Martha's way #4:
If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a
peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix me up."

The Real Women's Way:
If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too damn bad. Please recite with me, The Real Women's motto: I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes.

Martha's way #5:
Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will
keep for weeks.

The Real Women's Way:
Celery? Never heard of the stuff.

Martha's way #6:
Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a
beautiful glossy finish.

The Real Women's Way:
The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust so I just don't do it.

Martha's way #7:
Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.

The Real Women's Way:
Martha, dear, the only reason this works is because you can't rub a lime on your forehead without getting lime juice in your eye, and then the problem isn't the headache anymore, YOU'RE NOW BLIND!

Martha's way #9:
If you have a problem opening jars: Try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.

The Real Women's Way:
Go ask the very cute neighbour to do it.

And finally the most important tip for any time of the year......

Martha's way #10:
Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.

People at work seem to think that it's just a rough patch that'll pass, once my innate and natural wonderfulness is realized and missed. ;) Pfft. Doubt that. Hope for it, but doubt it. People who are friends of J's seem to think it's pretty permanent. Am I putting myself in the same holding pattern I did for the ex-? I really hope not. That hurt a lot, even though I did it to myself.

Twice now I've gone to the LAN party wanting to see him, and yet not saying anything to him when he's there. I want him to come up to me and put his arms around me and hold me and kiss me and tell me that we can work something out, that he's figured things out.

Three times in my life I thought I was in love with someone. Once, I realized I was sorely mistaken. Twice, it's ended weird and awkward with me not quite over things. Twice I've thought I was with someone I could go the distance with. Am I thinking that because it's really true, or because it's what's being done now? I haven't been in love with everyone I dated or slept with. I don't see anything wrong with that. Sometimes feelings develop with time and sometimes they don't. Once I was in a relationship that I thought was really pretty awesome right from the start and was comfortable and happy with and felt really positive about. Everyone has baggage they bring to a relationship, which can be unfortunate, but it's a fact of life.

Things I want the boy who loves me to know 1. Animals are very important to me, especially cats.
2. I love to read and write.
3. Forget-me-nots are my favourite flower and vanilla is my favourite scent for perfumes and candles. Chocolate is an amazing smell and flavour.
4. My temper is explosive, then over, given enough time. And don't tell me I'll get over it and don't tell me I'm being irrational or that nothing you can say is right (see notes on the coworker for details on that subject.
5. I am not interested in ever seeing my boyfriend or husband using the facilities, and I want him to leave me alone when I'm in there, too.
6. I enjoy being open about myself. If I hide too many details, I can't get the real perspective from my friends on the matter-at-hand.
7. I overanalyze, particularly in relationships.
8. I love to be kissed gently a few times before the french kissing begins.
9. I like to end a kiss the same way.
10. I like the inconsequential touches a lot; a hand on my leg while driving in the car, having my hand held in public, a kiss on the cheek or head when parting for a second, a hand on the back or a stroke of the back when you just want to say, "Hi, I care about you" in a public situation and can't really express anything more for whatever reason.
11. I like to be held for a bit after sex.
12. I like to be spooned before falling asleep. I can't always sleep that way, but I like the close presence of a loved one's body in the bed with me.
13. I like to wrap myself up my comforter sometimes with a good book and a bowl of popcorn and a glass of Coke, water, or hot chocolate, depending.
14. I'm not too easily shocked, and I like when someone's not shocked by me... or maybe just every now and then.
15. When I get married, I want my husband to wear a wedding ring as well.
16. I want to get married hopefully before I'm 25. Depends on Mr. Right, though.
17. I worry when people interrupt me that they think I'm boring or irrelevant.
18. I often feel fat and ugly and a huge big cow next to the little kewpie dolls I see at school or in the streets, regardless how great I felt about my attire before I left the house.
19. My favourite features about myself are my eyes (big and blue), and my hair (sometimes).
20. My favourite part of a guy's body is his stomach and then his chest.
21. I love to have both arms wrapped around me when we're cuddling, unless it's just impratical in the position we're maintaining.
22. I like to sleep on my stomach with one knee drawn up, and if I can cuddle up to someone like that to sleep, I'm thrilled.
23. Sometimes I get frustrated when I'm having the same conversation or particularly argument over and over again, especially if nothing changes.
24. I want to look after and be looked after by someone I dearly love.
25. I'm not very good with change.

I think that's enough things for now. My stomach's been giving me problems for some time now and it's way past bedtime, so I'm off to try to get some sleep for now.

2002/09/07

He also said at one point something along the lines of, "Maybe when things are better (for him), things can happen for us". I hate phrases like that, because then the little part of me that never believes anything good is over has hope. And it thrives on hope, and can find hope in the dumbest little places. I guess I'm just kinda shell-shocked because things were good and so damn short, and I'm going, "What do you mean, it's over? Like, for good?" And Jay keeps saying things that are telling me that yes, it is, Virginia, and btw, there's no Santa Claus, either.

A Jay quote: "You know what? The more I read of your site, and the little tidbits you post everywhere, the more frustrated I get.
I think, fundamentally, you're an extremely easy girl to please. You require some attention, some TLC, a little water and sunlight, and you're as happy as a pig in a pen.
And somehow, you never quite get it."

I thought I had it. But ... bah. Self-pity, all around! God, I fuck myself up when it comes to relationships. I wish I was tiny, thin, blonde, and dumb as a fucking post. Then I wouldn't be analyzing everything and wondering what I could do to change things or make them better. Maybe it just wasn't as good a relationship for him as I felt it was for me, and he just wants out and not back in ever again. Been there before, I should be able to deal with this and accept it.

I know I thought too far ahead and got too much emotionally invested in everything too soon, but it just seemed like it could really work, more so than any other relationships I've been in. Maybe it's just going to keep going like this for me, the better class of guys I date. That's really going to hurt a bunch until I find the guy I marry.

And I do, I told Di this this afternoon. I want to get married. I'd like to get married in the next few years, I think. Depending on the right guy, of course. I'm not desperate yet -- hell, I'm still too young. I feel like there's something wrong or hunted about saying that I'd like to get married, like maybe it's just because the people I'm hanging out with are older and settling down, but I don't want to wait until I'm 30 to have kids. I want to have them before then, so I'm still young enough to enjoy them.