“Shear Genius” mini-cap: Good morning, Angels

I am conflicted about this week’s Shear Genius drinking game. On one hand I want to tell you to take a drink every time Nekisa makes an excuse, or acts like a brat, or just generally pisses you off. But on the other hand, it’s the Charlie’s Angels challenge, and I don’t want you to get blasted before the pictures of Jaclyn Smith, Kate Jackson and Farah Fawcett start flashing up on your screen.

Actually, here you go:

Now you can drink away. You’re going to need it.

Jaclyn Smith welcomes the seven remaining stylists to the Shear Genius salon, and congratulates Paulo because his style has made it to the Allure Wall of Fame. Paulo manages to not air hump like he did last week when he won. Instead he smiles graciously and says, “It’s about time!”

This morning’s shortcut challenge is to dye hair all the colors of the rainbow — “vibrant, over-the-top color,” says Jaclyn. I have a bad feeling about this.

Once the stylists are matched up with their clients, Kim Vo tells them that they will have four hours to complete the challenge. There is a collective “whoop!” and Paulo starts the humping thing again. Paulo, brah, STOP IT.

The stylists get to work painting their clients’ hair, while Kim walks around and quizzes them about their techniques. Dee tells him that she is going to do a bird of paradise, because that’s her favorite flower. Then she interviews that color transformations are “something [she] specializes in.”

Has anyone else noticed how Dee says she specializes in everything? Red carpet hair? Her specialty. Short cuts? Her specialty. Surfer cuts? Her specialty. Styling wigs? Her specialty. Circus-colored hair? Her specialty. Cutting hair with hedge-clippers with one hand tied behind her back while blindfolded and riding a pony? They do that every Thursday at the salon she owns!

Kim tries to give Paulo some tips about color, but Paulo brushes him off and says, “I kind of know how to get a beautiful blue.”

An hour later he changes his song and interviews: “Um, it kind of looks like Papa Smurf s–t all over her head.” And sadly, it kind of does.

Near the end of the challenge, the sinks start to get backed up and Nekisa full-on panics about how this might mute her client’s hair. Charlie delights in interviewing, “Of course Nekisa’s got some tired ass excuse.”

And not just one excuse! When judging time comes around, Kim gracefully tells her that her magenta and blue hair is not really vibrant, and maybe she should have tried some hair pieces. She starts in about the sink and blah, blah, blah. The other stylists kind of look at each other and roll their eyes, silently asking the thing I have been out-loud asking since week two: Why is Nekisa still here?

When Kim announces that Paulo and Nekisa are in the bottom two, Paulo nods and takes it like a man. Nekisa’s eyes bug out, and she takes it like a three-year-old. “Oh, my God!” she says. “This is totally unfair! Whatever, fine, put me in the bottom two; I’m used to it.”

For some inexplicable reason, Kim chooses Paulo as the worst stylist of the day. While that may technically be true, Nekisa’s little tantrum would have sealed the deal for me, had I been judging.

Dee and Charlie are the top two, and Dee really did make her client’s hair look like a bird of paradise.

Charlie wins, and in a sudden change of rules, he has been granted immunity for the elimination challenge that night. Paulo is pissed. So is Dee.

She interviews: “That was some BULLs–t. I don’t know what kind of crack Kim Vo was smoking, but that looked like a freaking drag queen, yo.” Yikes!

In his interview, Daniel says: “I am not ready to go back to that house. I mean, it’s going to be an Alabama dog fight. I understand why Nekisa is upset. She just keeps losing and losing and losing and losing and losing and…” he looks at his watch “…losing and losing and losing and losing.”

He’s right about the dog fight. Back at the house, Charlie has a go at Nekisa because, as he interviews, that’s what he does when he gets bored. When Nekisa says she’s never even heard of Charlie’s editorial work, he non sequiturs, “Hey, don’t you have to go to the porn awards tonight or something?”

For the elimination challenge, Charlie is responsible for pairing the stylists up. The teams will work on three women and create some modern Jacyln, Kate, and Farrah styles. Charlie’s position as matchmaker and psuedo-judge is, according to Paulo, “like Satan having your soul.”

Charlie pairs Dee and Nekisa, Daniel and Paulo, Glenn and Nicole. Everyone is surprised that he let them work with their BFFs, but Charlie’s evil grin in his interview is positively Machiavellian. He just wants to watch things burn!

The elimination challenge can be summed up thusly: Dee bosses Nekisa around, Paulo and Daniel act gay and awesome, Nicole says Glenn styles old-lady hair and that she fears their Angels will end up looking like Betty White.

“We’re going to take some bitches down!” says Daniel to the salon at large.

“Which ones?” asks Paulo with equal fervor.

“Anyone in the room with a vagina!” shouts Daniel.

The guest judge for the Hair Show is Kate Jackson! Even I start to clap! The Charlie’s Angels music revs up as the models walk the runway! The styles all look like crap, but I don’t care! They keep flashing pictures of the original Angels on the screen, and there sit Kate and Jaclyn looking as beautiful as they ever did! I can’t stop using exclamation points!

Dee interviews: “I was getting all crazy and turned on, because I grew up watching them bitches. It was great.”

Them bitches, Dee? Really? C’mon.

After the hair show, Jaclyn and Kate share a little laugh about how Farrah’s hair was always all over the place and they never knew when it would take up the whole camera, cutting them right out of the shot.

The judges agree with me that the styles are all crap. In a surprise decision, no one wins the challenge. And in another surprise decision, Glenn has made her final cut and freaking Nekisa lives to see another day of styling.

Glenn says a tearful goodbye, and Jaclyn says the other stylists can go back to the house with the knowledge that none of their work was Shear Genius.