Metallica eaten by bears

Heavy Metal group Metallica look unlikely to perform their headline slot at Glastonbury 2014 after all, as according to industry insiders, the entire band have been eaten by bears.

Bear hunting is a sport widely advocated by the National Rifle Association in America. It’s leader Charlton Heston apparently lived in fear of the world turning into Planet of the bears in the future and felt shooting them was the only sensible option. In addition, the band apparently had a penchant for “Bear ham”, made from slices of a bears head, a valuable delicacy that can fetch up to 70p a slice in supermarkets.

The band were apparently sitting on their tour bus after a day shooting kodiak bears but had failed to notice several new members of the crew. The extra members of the party turned out to be none other than several of the bears that they were hunting who then proceeded to eat the band alive.

As one surviving member of the party told us “The trouble is many metallers are a hairy bunch anyway so all the bears had to do was stick on Slayer t-shirts and Bandanas and they got right past security.”

Glastonbury owner Michael Eavis has described the news as mildly annoying.

“It’s a bugger. Much of the audience were looking forward to hearing them and their bear shooting yarns. They would have come in very handy if we’d had a problem with bears at the festival. Where on earth are we going to find another middle aged rock band that are still going at this hour?”