Suburgatory (2011) s02e03 Episode Script

Ryan's Song

When women in Chatswin want to look their best, sometimes they have to play dirty. No Majorqua, I want vampy not trampy. If you paint my nails with this color, George will think he asked out a ** whore. - Mommy? - I'm sorry Dalia. And Majorqua. It's just I've waited all lifetime for George Altman to ask me on a date. And I guess I'm just a little - Nervous. - Why? You've dated plenty of men who are better looking and sexier and beefier and brawnier and more cut and darker-skinned and longer hair, and taller and richer and more successful, and funnier and friendlier, who have more summer homes and foreign cars and motorboats and yachts, who are more well-traveled and know more languages than him. I know. I know. I guess I'm just nervous, is all. Can't a woman be nervous? He's the one who should be nervous, mommy. If you ask me, George Altman landed in the tall grass. All right, which one says, "I can't live a moment without you. Don't even think about asking for a raise"? Well, if I'm not mistaken, I believe the traditional but I can check my Emily Post. This woman is amazing, George. She is so attuned to my baby. It's like she baked him in her own meat oven. Wow. That's beautiful. You should get that engraved on the necklace. She's cooped up in the house all day. She deserves a night out. So when I saw that the Chappaqua Opera was performing "Carmen," I thought finally, finally, someone wrote an opera to take your nanny named Carmen to. What do you have planned for Dallas? Oh, not much. We'll probably just grab some dinner, you know, maybe go for a walk. A walk? Look, me and Dallas are way past the "trying to impress each other" stage. You know, we can just relax and enjoy each other's company. Don't worry, Noah. I got this. Seriously? You're not gonna knock on something? All right, I got the bling. I got the tickets. The only thing I have left Mm. I need a sitter for Opus. There's gotta be a neighborhood kid you can ask to watch him. Mm. Have to be mature, - trustworthy - Yeah. Smart, resourceful Ideally somebody I already know. Okay. Whatever. I'll do it. - What? - No, we won't Look, I'm free this weekend not by choice, but whatever. It's cool. Uh, w no. I mean, that's I think that's very nice, but I wasn't fishing. I can use the extra cash. Huh. No. I mean, I just don't know that you're the right fit. What? Do you hear this, George? - Yeah, Tess, here's the thing - Really? Babies are very demanding. As an only child, you don't have a ton of experience I excelled at my job, I am an excellent student, I just spent the summer rooming with a geriatric woman. I think I can handle a baby. - Easy on the hard cider, Fred. - Easy-peasy. You only get one. One's all I need. I'm a cheap date. You rock, dad. Ryan? Why don't you be the boot tonight? Lisa? You never let me be the boot. You never let Ryan be the boot. I know. I just thought maybe it's time Ryan was the boot. Ryan, go get your father another hard cider. - He only gets one. - Just do it. Oh, yeah. Lisa Marie, you can't start treating Ryan differently now that you know he's adopted. He's liable to suspect something. Look, mother, I am trying to manufacture a feeling of closeness between Ryan and myself so that if he ever does find out, we won't lose him to a better family. I will not be left alone with the two of you. He will know something's up, if you keep acting like a top hat! I guess I'll be the top hat! - She's gonna be the top hat. - Why not? - Sheila in a top hat! - Hey! Hey, Dalia. Hey. Is your mother ready? Almost. She likes to make an entrance. Wow. Y you look Wait for it. Magical? Uh, w what? I was finishing your sentence. You said, "you look magical?" Oh. O okay. Magical. You're too kind, George. What's that? I'm sorry. The music is a little loud. Dalia. I said you're too kind. So where will you be taking me tonight? Uh, well, uh, Chef Alan recommended this really great spot down by the train yard. It's got homemade charcuterie, so Char-whatery? Oh, it's like meats. Ew. Meats? Is that okay? I guess. Here. I'm just worried that I might be disappointed, and if I'm disappointed, I might have a hard time hiding it, and then that might make you feel uncomfortable, and then you'll be wondering what's bothering me, when all along, it was just on account of the meats. What kind of a sadist designed this coat? Careful. The lining is pony eyelash. Pony eyelash? Oh, no, George. I know what you're thinking. They're humanely collected from the floors of stables. Thank God. So may I be honest, George? I really don't want to eat at a filthy restaurant by a train yard. Well, Dallas, I'm I'm I'm I'm happy to take you anywhere you like. Perfect. Let's you and I get our lobster bisque on, shall we? After me. Dating Dallas Royce was turning out to be as elaborate as a production of "Carmen." Don't you cry. If you cry, then I'm gonna cry. If he cries, sing him Phil Collins. I didn't anticipate how hard this was gonna be. He likes "Sussudio" best. Relax, guys. I got this. Even if you just say the word, it seems to calm his nerves for some reason. Opus and I we are as cool as cucumbers. Look at her. She's gonna be great. Oh. I almost forgot. The security system has been down all week. But don't worry. The house is so secluded, you'd have to be a real psychopath to hike up here to steal anything. I should know 'cause they caught a guy doing it once. He was nuts. An incredible collection of knives, though, and a face tattoo that still haunts me. Carmen, shall we? Oh. The lights are on the timer, so don't be surprised if you find yourself in the dark. Okay. Bye. There's a girl that's been on my mind all the time sussudio Oh! So why are you giving me your room again? Well, because I love you. Yeah, but you love your room more. You're in here, like, all the time, like, whenever I'm out doing fun things with friends, you're in here, spending time with your room. Well, it is the better room, and you deserve it. I want you to enjoy your time here. What's that supposed to mean? It just means you can have whatever you want. - Can I have your sweater? - If you want it. - Can I have a snake? - I won't block it. Can I have Tessa Altman? Have her do what? Everything. I think it's pretty obvious. She's my moose. Your muse? - She's my jam. - She isn't. She's what I want, Lisa. So are you gonna help me get her or not? Why is every primetime TV show about a gruesome crime scene? What is wrong with you, America? Your dad probably just forgot his wallet. And his keys to the house. There's nothing to be afraid of, Opus. - Hello? - Good evening. I'm the Hillside Electrical Strangler. I'm looking for Mr. Wiener. Uh, no Wiener here. Sorry. You sure? I got a call for help. It came from inside this house. You listen to me, my friend, here are some of the many reasons I'm not gonna let you in. One you don't know who lives here, two you're dressed like a serial killer, and three you have a serial killer nickname. My business is called the Hillside Electrical Strangler because I service these hills by locating people's electrical problems and strangling them. You have to admit, it's a pretty weird thing to name your business. The domain name cleared. Don't worry, Opus. We can ride out the storm in here. Uh-huh. All of our water and toilet needs will be met. No. Don't panic just because I am. I need you to be strong now. You are my rock. I think you just dropped a few pebbles. - Tessa. - Lisa! Thank God. Hey, I was just thinking about you and Ryan and the sweet love the two of you could make. What? Look, Lisa, th this isn't a good time. I am locked in a bathroom with a baby in a thunderstorm. You know who would love that story? Ryan. What story? - Is it about a snake? - Lisa! This isn't a joke. I'm freaking out, and I really need help. And I can't call George, or he'll accuse me of being an ill-equipped only child. I wish I could help you, Tessa, but as you know, I'm terrified of babies. But you know who isn't? Who? This place has the best bread basket in town, and if you bring something home for your dog, they wrap it up like a little present, for your dog. Yeah. This jacket is a freaking nightmare. Muscle it. Don't be afraid and do not give up. Okay. Thank you. George, this is my life coach Tabitha. Hey. I'm unlicensed. Oh, okay. T Tabitha. Uh, it's actually pronounced "Tibet" and "itha." Tibetitha. Really? It's a woman's name, but, you know, I'm a guy. It's political yet whimsical, calls upon every one of your preconceptions, and then spits in their faces. Okay. Well, uh, it's quite a coincidence. Not really. I invited him. Let me get this straight. You invited your life coach to join us for dinner? Lucky for you, my evening was clear. So this is, like, uh, mostly fish? I I ran the whole way here. Ryan, I could kiss you. Tessa, this isn't about you. It's about me. Well, it started off about you, but then it turned into me. I have a problem, and it's bigger than your problem and it's scarier than your problem, and we aren't gonna solve it not here, not tonight. What's the problem? I think I'm dying. So the bird was frantic. Why? Because it was stuck. Why? Because my skylight is very, very recessed. So it was banging its beak against the glass like a total idiot. Why? Because in order to escape, the bird needed to fly down, but the bird didn't know that. George, are you mad at me? Shh. I'm waiting to hear what happens to the bird. It's just I wanted this night to be perfect. I think we left "perfect" four bird stories ago. So I got a ladder. I understand your impulse to want to have a side conversation, but I hardly think you two are ready for that yet. Right. It's just that I usually wait until the relationship is falling apart before I seek counseling. Do all your relationships fall apart, George? Oh, I think he was joking, Tibetitha. - George, weren't you joking? - I was joking. Correct. Well, I, uh, I guess your timing was off, because I didn't get the joke, but very good instincts, Dallas. Thank you. So how about some bread? I would love some. That is a hell of a selection of bread. Look at all that. Huh? See what I'm doing? I do, yeah. You're handling every single piece of bread. No, I'm exploring all my options. Look before you leap, George. Mm. So no bread? Oh. There's the olive roll. See? If you dig deep enough, you can find exactly what you're looking for. Ah. George, do you think Dallas might be your olive roll? All I know for sure is I'm not eating any of that bread. While George was plotting his escape, Noah was glued to his seat, because he was on a date with the perfect woman. si je t'aime, prends garde Ã toi Si tu ne m'aimes pas si tu ne m'aimes pas je t'aime mais si je t'aime, si je t'aime prends garde Ã toi Bravo! Bravo! I would love to believe that I'm not dying, but I can't ignore the facts. One Lisa's been acting really super-duper nice all of a sudden, and two I saw a movie once, where everyone was super-duper nice to this guy, and then he coughed, and then he died. Sounds like one fact and a movie. Still, how do you explain the fact? Maybe it's a new disease. Maybe they'll call it Ryan's disease. How did I not realize I was gonna die of that? Ryan Maybe they'll write a song about me called "Ryan's song." Maybe they can play it at my funeral. I feel like it should be mostly instrumental, though. Maybe Lisa is just feeling nicer now that she's in a relationship with Malik. People are nicer when they're happier. Maybe she just wants you to be happy, too. Look, I'm sorry. You have great ideas and you're not afraid to express them. It's just we're all gonna die, whether it's Ryan's disease or Tessa's disease. Yeah. Sooner or later, the Hillside Electrical Strangler is gonna make a house call. So true. See, you and me and that ugly baby over there we're all gonna die. I don't think I really super-duper realized that until tonight. I'm sorry to blow your little baby mind. I'm sorry. Shh. Shh. Shut up. Shh shut up. Shut up. Nice work. Is it too late for that kiss? You forgot to open your mouth and put your tongue on my tongue and move it around and stuff. I didn't forget. You're not attracted to me 'cause I'm holding a baby? I'm only attracted to you because you're holding a baby. So that was different. Oh, man. I must've fallen asleep. Ah. George, thanks for the ride. Uh, if it hadn't started raining, I I would've walked, I swear. I don't believe you. Well, look, uh, final thoughts uh, normally I wouldn't weigh in on a relationship until I've met with a couple a few more times, but, uh, in this case, it's safe to say that this relationship, in industry terms, is a total freaking cluster-snuff. I don't like to swear in front of a patient. But I can e-mail you the translation if you give me your e-mail, which I would like to have anyway. Will get that from you. Okay, well, I'll, uh, I'll just find you on Facebook. Thanks for the ride, George. Bye-bye. Bye. Oh, puddle. I understand your apprehension, but a good domain name can be hard to clear, and for the record, that guy strangled the hell out of a problem we were having with our garage door. I'll call to reschedule. Thank you for a wonderful evening, Mr. Wiener. It's my pleasure, angel. How do you say "angel" in Spanish? An-hel. Amazing. Such a rich culture. I'll go check on the baby. Encore! That's one hell of an opera, that Carmen! Okay. What did I say? I said $100? Even though I probably would've survived the night on my own, I was really glad that when I called for help, someone was there to answer. Whoa! Hey. You're back. Lisa, I'm not as dumb as you think. I know something's up. At first I thought I might be dying, then I took a good, hard look in the mirror and thought, come on. I'm not dying. Then I thought maybe you're dying. After all, you're pretty pale and sickly. But, Lisa, if someone's dying, I don't want to know about it. Not tonight. Because I had the most perfect evening with Tessa Altman. She kissed me. Tessa kissed me. She she she she didn't open her mouth or put her tongue on my tongue and, like, you know, move it around, but she kissed me, and it was incredible, and I owe it all to you, so so thanks. That's what sisters are for. I know, dude. You're the best sister ever, bro. Well, that didn't work, but at least we tried. What? No, George Altman, don't you dare say that. Hey. Hey! You're gonna ruin your coat. I don't care! I don't care about it, or the flowers or the restaurant. - Look, Dallas, that's sweet, but - No, you listen to me. I have dated men who are worldlier and fancier, who have nicer cars and better clothes and were wealthier. Heck, they were all wealthier. Thank you. Thank you for that. But every one of those men picked me. I thought that's how it was supposed to be. Men would ask me out, and I'd say yes, men would ask me to marry them, and I'd say yes. And then along comes George Altman, and for the first time, I thought there. I want that man. I pick him. I know I'm doing things different. It's because I feel so different. I can't believe my life coach is right about us, George. I can't. There. You see that? Your your hair is a mess, your makeup is running, but this this is real, this is this is the prettiest you've looked all night. It is? Look the only way we're ever gonna find out if this can work - is if we get to be ourselves. Right? - Right. And that means no coaches and no coaching from you. Okay? Okay. - George? - Yeah? If you would've dropped the umbrella when you kissed me, it would've been so much more romantic. You're very bossy. I can change. No, you can't.