Ian Kerner, a sexuality counselor and New York Times best-selling author, blogs about sex on Thursdays on The Chart. Read more from him at his website, GoodInBed.

Is pushing yourself when you’re not in the mood an investment in your relationship?

You may be bristling at the phrase “charity sex.” If you’re a woman, perhaps it brings to mind past, award-worthy, faked orgasms. Or maybe it reminds you of that time you bit your tongue and had sex because you were sick of hearing him ask for it. If you’re a guy, you might be thinking, “better than nothing.”
Or possibly, just possibly, you assume I’m referring to guilt-induced sex…... the sort you engage in because you feel bad for not throwing your partner a bone lately... the sort you suffer through, only to feel resentment later on.

But don’t equate charity sex with pity sex. Rather, see charity sex as a means of reestablishing a connection with your partner, and of making an important investment in your relationship.

Think of it as a donation, rather than an assessment. As blogger Heidi Raykeil has written, “The other night I was enjoying some “me” time, curled up on the couch watching the latest episode of "Grey’s Anatomy." Meanwhile, my husband was tossing and turning in bed, stressed out over his latest work project.

Frankly, between McDreamy and McSteamy, I was already pretty satisfied. But if I know one thing about my husband, it’s that sex helps him sleep. So I put down the remote and headed upstairs to take one for the team. That’s right: I had charity sex. And you know what? It was actually pretty hot.”

Pity sex is about checking sex off your to-do list. Charity sex is about checking in with each other. It’s not about meeting someone else’s physical needs—it’s about meeting your relationship’s emotional ones. It’s about opening up, quite literally, to each other.

Why might you engage in charity sex? You might do it because your partner is all wound up from work, and sex relaxes him or her. You might do it because she’s feeling a little down, and sex gives her a boost. Or maybe you do it because —- like some 41 million Americans - you’ve both gone too many days, weeks, or even months without sex.

It’s easy for sex to fall to the bottom of your to-do list when you have so many other things on your mind. The bills? The housework? The kids? The latest episode of "Breaking Bad"? Who has time for sex!? Unfortunately, the less often you have sex, the harder it is to get back into the groove. Testosterone levels drop and, as a result, libido levels drop, too. Before you know it, you’re experiencing the longest dry spell of your life.

Charity? You feel you don’t have enough to give! Fortunately, if you dig deep, you can still do your relationship some good. How?

Fake it ’til you make it. No. I’m not advocating fake orgasms. But there’s definitely something to be said for putting in a little effort. With charity sex, you may not initially feel as if you’re in the mood, but if you start going through the motions, your desire will likely catch up.

As Emily Nagoski has written in the "Good in Bed Guide to Female Orgasms," “Putting your body through the moves of faking one could actually lead to having one.” So start slowly, with intimate touching. Allow yourself to enjoy some pleasurable sensations. Try not to think about anything —- your to-do list; that meeting tomorrow morning -— but how it feels when the two of you touch. Before you know it, that offering of charity sex will start to feel like a gift to both of you.

Take away the pressure. When you’re not in the mood for sex, an orgasm may seem out of the question. And you may ask yourself: Why even have sex if I’m not getting the big payoff? But there’s a lot to be said about the stuff that happens before the orgasm. So don’t fixate too much on the end result. Rather, enjoy those moan-inducing caresses and toe-curling nibbles as they’re happening. Remain in the moment. You never know. Your body may surprise you.

Remember how good it was. Remember all the reasons you’re together. Remember what things were like when they were still new and undeniably hot. And then think of how much things have changed. How can you give back to that relationship? What are you willing to do to revitalize it?

Is charity sex better than no sex? And can it be a good thing for your relationship? You tell me.

No he's right. No s3x means no intimacy. No intimacy means your relationship is going down in flames unless it is purely a business relationship, or based on other mutually beneificial factors like the trophy wife, gold digger syndrome, or cohaitating for economic reasons.

Why does CNN bother with such tripe? There's sooooo much more to life than just s3x – especially s3x that's seen as "just another thing to do" or a chore. If s3x is all that's keeping your relationship together, then -well- you're wasting your time.

Hey! I'm a woman but I still know that it's important not to be selfish when it comes to s3x. If my man is having a bad day and I know that will cheer him up, so be it. He's the same way when it comes to me. Who knows... maybe we are just oddballs in a really good relationship. 😀 Sometimes having a good relationship requires a little sacrifice!

Any woman reading your response would automatically file you under category 4 man: not even if he was the last man on Earth. Men like you make it so much easier for those inclined to hate men. Go ahead, keep it up. You do it well.

Sarah August 27, 2011 Where did you stay in Costa Rica? It looks beautiful. Andrew and I did an all-inclusive for our ooenymohn too and it was great. We stayed at Couples in Negril, Jamaica. We loved Jamaican food! Callaloo and jamaican patties and jerk chicken and curried goat and ackee and breadfruit it was all wonderful. We had lobster a couple of times at the resort, but the best lobster we had was when we wandered away down the beach and found these crazy old Jamaican fisherman cooking over a fire on the beach. They served lobster (caught just before cooking) with fresh lime and scotch bonnet peppers. It was amazing. They called it the Office of Nature and I don't know why, but it worked!

Journalism's been dead for awhile, mate, that's why my dad left the business five years ago. No more good stories on real issues. Just gossip. The way of the writer and correspondent will die off with the boomer generation. Hopefully my generation ( Who I think will grow up to be like that of WWII, but with less racisim) will save this rare profession.

If you have to "fake" it all the time than your either doing it wrong or your partner does not know what they are doing. Time to move on to find someone who knows how to please you. Why do it if you don't get anything out of it.

Very well written. Regarding, "but if you start going through the motions, your desire will likely catch up", what if the desire never does return despite a very willing partner? Both partners are physically able and attractive too.

Charity s3x as described in the article is a good thing in my opinion. I was not in the mood a few weeks ago...but started when my friend arrived in town after a very long time apart with just a kiss. From my perspective, that is when the charity s3x started – but it did not stay charity for long. It ended up as a hot 4 days and a total reconnection of our relationship. Just awesome. I am having more fun now then I have in YEARS.

This 'I have a headache' excuse is just a pile of crap, too. The chemical rush in your brain during s3x is one of the best pain relievers ever.

I just attempted to post....and not sure why it didn't go through! If you see an earlier post from me....please forgive my lack of posting prowess! I'm a 52 year old, born with a cleft lip and palate. I am 5',10" and 190. I am in fairly decent shape for a guy my age. I am clean cut/well groomed, I dress nicely, have good teeth and practice good hygeine. I have had a gigantic libido since I was 12 or so! I have NEVER been able to even come close to satisfying even the slightest molecule of my libido. In my experience, women are tremendously shallow where I am involved. I have had women tap me on the shoulder and start laughing at me when I turn around, or they have a look on their face as if they've seen Frankenstein or a ghost....or they run away as if I have leprocy! Although it is nice to read that there are people with strong libidos that are enjoying intimacy in their lives....but what can I do to share in that satisfaction and happiness? It's not easy trying to keep a good face on when I am desperately wanting to have some human interaction with almost any female I may see during the day. Talk about having a pair of blue ones! Mine have just about turned into a withered carrot along side of a couple of raisins! And don't suggest that I pay for it....I'm not that kind of guy....nor do I have the resources to pay for what I would need! Where ARE all of those women who have guys who can't keep up or don't want to keep up! I'm available! ;o)

If it is any consolation, I know a guy with the same issue and he has been happily married for well over 30 years. My point is that there is somebody out there for you ... and I would never suggest resorting to paying for s3x, but I just wonder if you have explored all the avenues available. Good luck to you. Nobody deserves to go through life without physical intimacy.

Wow Jim! Im sorry to hear about the stupid ppl u have met... Dont always assume women do not like you because of your cleft lip. You have to get past that also, ppl like confidence. U need to walk proud like anyone else and someone may hit on you first.

Dangit! Not sure why I am unable to post....but here goes again! @Kwazy....thank you for the vote of confidence! It's very funny....in my first attempt at posting I said...."Some people have told me that even Quasimoto can get laid....but not me!" Amusing that your screen name is Kwazy! It's not healthy physically or mentally to go without intimacy! Decades have gone by without even a hug! It sometimes makes me feel like the freak that others seem to think I am!

Kwazy it is. I agree – it isn't healthy. Maybe that's why many people get pets! Jokes aside, most humans crave intimacy on some level. I believe inimtacy fills a need, or void, if you will. I feel for you – craving a hug is no crime! Please don't feel that way....it sounds like you have many good qualities. People can be cruel – one would hope for more from the human race.

I think it is a necessity at least in marriages. I have always beeen well dressing..attractive ... not so intimate person but my husband is 3 times a week person so in that dept I do compromise and its well worth it. I dont fake it but I do let him know its good to be with him. I think compromise is way to go in a marriage and it feels good for a woman that your hubby has it for you after pregnancies and years of marriage.

You only get bored when "both" people are not open to trying different things. People change after marriage that is for sure. Key factor is ensure you really know the person prior to marriage and ensure you do not become stuck in the marital "rut" of paying bills, raising kids, and doing what grown folks do. Keep dating after marriage.

Hi Jim in Colorado!! Yoo-hoo {wink-wink}...lol... I have a fella living in my house who supposedly is my "boyfriend" and "loves" me - but he NEVER wants any sort of intimacy with me. I am a laid-back, fun-loving, kind and forgiving, pretty-enough female and - NOPE! NOT HARDLY A PECK (and that's after a lot of begging). You're NOT ALONE Jim! I'm a 45-year-old young lady and THAT makes certain desperate measures I might have tried when younger no longer effective!!

Thanks for the advise! It is not so easy to be Mr. Confident when there aren't many aspects of my life that have been worthy of building any confidence! I can't imagine that your significant other is not interested in intimacy with you. I can definitely relate to your not being able to meet those most intimate of needs. As I said in my earlier posting....I have gone decades with little more than a hug. I couldn't buy a date if my life depended on it. And forget about intimacy. I never get that far! And I would be thrilled to death if some nice female somewhere between 35 and 55 would hit on me. But it would have to be a direct hit because I'm not the type to pick up on inuendos and subtle references.

Thanks again for the reply Alexa! I wish you the best of luck in your situation!

I don't understand especially women faking it or making the headache excuse so often, and even guys at times, when I have been married to my hubby for over 3 years now, have 3 kids (a set of twins:)), and still having fun almost daily. I am a woman too and I don't complain of that, I think it is ridiculous. Besides, one of the many wonderful things about marriage and my husband in particular is that I can kiss him and have him any time I want or viceversa!! We are still very much in our honeymoon and we love it. To all women out there, love your men like there's no tomorrow!!:)

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