A Different Kind of Mother

I worry that there is something sharp and harsh about me that will hurt my children the way I was hurt.

Like most women, my friends and I are concerned about how to be good mothers. But what concerns me about being a good mother is very different than other women's concerns. By good mothers, my friends mean effective mothers who can motivate their children to behave well, and calmly deal with the situation when they don't. They don't really worry about whether their children will love them or want to be in a relationship with them when they get older.

For me, this is not a given. I worry about whether I can let myself be close to them without hurting them. I worry about how to raise them in a way that won't leave psychological scars. I worry that just having me as their mother will damage them. I worry that there is something sharp and harsh about me that will hurt them the way I was hurt.

I am surrounded by people who constantly reassure me that I am a good mother. But it is impossible for me to relax and enjoy their praise. I am always monitoring myself, watching and waiting. In my eyes, I am always suspect.

At school, I shone. At home, I pretended not to exist.

My own mother was mentally ill. She was scary and controlling, and my earliest memory of her is of how she terrified me. She would pull my hair until clumps of it came out in her hands. She would yell at me if I made any noise, regardless of whether that noise was laughing or crying. I learned early to make myself invisible. I moved like a silent shadow through our house, unwilling to do anything that would attract attention. I thrived at school, where teachers were lavish with their praise, and being noticed did not automatically mean being punished. At school, I shone. At home, I pretended not to exist.

As I child, I didn't understand that it was her illness that made me feel differently about her than other girls felt about their mothers. I thought that it was something lacking in me, that I was defective in some way, and had not been given the capacity to love my mother in the same way that others had.

It was years before I could contemplate becoming a mother. Years of therapy in which I painstakingly unraveled the twisted contortions of my past. I used those years to learn Torah, replacing unhealthy thinking with a vital and fresh new system of thought. A supportive rabbi helped me to imagine a different future -- a new script that was not based on the past.

But the act of giving birth to my own daughter still terrified me. When I didn't have enough milk to breastfeed my daughter, despite pumping, taking herbs and working for months with a lactation consultant, I felt this was just another proof of my internal deficiency, first as a daughter, and now as a mother. I returned to therapy again, to receive more support at this crucial junction.

Recently I came across a study of women who had been raised by mentally ill mothers. As one woman who participated in the study said, "Please don't refer to her as my Mom. It feels too intimate." These women struggled to define and reconcile their mothers' illness in the context of their relationship with them.

Yet their mother's illness was always a barrier between them, an unnatural presence that prevented true and relaxed intimacy. Many of these women abandoned the struggle as adults. Most of them left home prematurely before they reached adulthood. Their stories mirrored my story. In the stories of these strangers, I had found a community.

It is difficult to talk about this. The relationship between a mother and a child is considered by many to be almost sacred, and this makes it difficult to acknowledge that my own experience has been otherwise.

I am terrified of becoming my daughter's nightmare.

I have made peace with the fact that my mother was ill. Life with a chronic illness is not life as other people know it. But it is harder for me to make peace with my own motherhood. Having a mother who was mentally ill is different than being an orphan. An orphan can grow into her memory of her mother. For me, that is my biggest nightmare. I am terrified of becoming my daughter's nightmare.

For this reason, I can understand it when someone who has had a childhood similar to my own chooses not to have children. They do not trust themselves, and cannot risk allowing someone so vulnerable to become so dependant upon them. My brother, for instance, has made this choice.

I also do not fully trust myself. Yet what has allowed me to have courage and move forward, despite my fear, is my trust in God. Jewish sources tell us that there are three partners in the creation of a child – a mother, a father and the Almighty. God is not only present at the conception of a child, He remains intimately involved with that child, helping his parents to raise him.

I would be terrified to do this alone. My fear would paralyze me; my memories would haunt me. Even my husband's help would not be enough to reassure me.

Accepting that God is our partner has allowed me to shoulder this awesome responsibility. This knowledge has reassured me that although we will not become perfect parents, God will help us not to be destructive ones either.

My fears have pushed me to uniquely develop myself as a mother.

I think that my fears have pushed me to uniquely develop myself as a mother. I am extra careful to monitor my moods. Since I remember all too well the terror I felt in the face of my mother's uncontrolled anger, I do not allow myself to reach a state of excessive anger. I consider it simply too dangerous to relate to small children in such a state.

I do not discipline my children in a state of anger. I calm myself down first before deciding if consequences are necessary, or what a suitable punishment might be. I take a break, go into my room, lock the door, and talk directly to God. "I need You to help me out now," I tell Him, "because I am feeling so overwhelmed." These five minutes of prayer allow me to open my bedroom door and face the chaos again, only calmer, and with fresh perspective.

I also take extra care not to reach a state of exhaustion, which makes it harder to keep control of myself. When I go to sleep at night, I say to God "I am going off shift. You keep watch." In this way, I remind myself that I am allowed to concede my limits, both physically and emotionally, and ask for support and reinforcement.

It has been almost seven years since I first held my newborn baby daughter, and it has been a long and intense ride. She has been joined by a brother, and although there is an incredible amount of work that goes into rearing children, there is also an incredible amount of joy.

Had I allowed my fear to control me, I would never have known such intense pleasure. I would never have been touched by such magic.

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 74

(74)
Anonymous,
November 9, 2013 8:05 PM

Child of bipolar parent and also mom with bipolar

Very proud of the author of this! Hopefull that God and my children will forgive me for my mistakes and know that I truely gave motherhood my all. I think my kids are struggling but I also think that their lives are full and Godly. They do love and know the Lord and for that I am proud.

(73)
Thank You,
February 22, 2010 10:32 AM

A wonderful article

Thank you for this piece. Your experience and the comments afterwards has given me much appreciated support in my own journey, which has many parallels. A brave and honest article.

(72)
Anonymous,
May 19, 2009 5:02 PM

Thank you! You have given me comfort & courage. May HaShem give you, & all of us, the support & wisdom & ...... needed in order to take care of the precious gifts He intrusts in to our hands!

(71)
Kim Benson,
May 16, 2009 4:51 PM

Dealing with cruel parents

I think this is very common concern. Thank you for sharing your story. There's a BIG distinction between mental illness and evil. There are many more cruel parents out there than people care to admit. (One of the big tell-tale signs that they are evil vs. mentally ill is that they go to great lengths to intentionally hide their sadistic behavior from those outside their immediate home!) As to the person who said, (I'm paraphrasing) "Have some consideration for the mentally ill[abuser]..", I say this: When we have a rabid dog in out midst who is attacking others mercilessly, we don't stop to analyze it, we shoot it for everyone's protection!!!
It's also important to keep in mind that these unfit parents are not going to be good people as grandparents either! I recently discovered a GREAT website that deals with the ethics & morality that surround this topic:
www.narcissists-suck.blogspot.com
It deals head-on with many controversial parenting topics. You do have to be mindful not to screw up your kids. One snippet dealt with corporal punishment & abuse. Nuances are so critical. Saying to a child, "Come here, take this belt-beating, & do NOT attempt to defend yourself because if you make any atttempt at self-defense this beating will be SO MUCH WORSE..." That is so messed-up! Self-defense is a natural human reaction for heaven's sake. Yes, some parents can be actively crushing their children's humanity, without giving it much thought at all. (Hhhmm, now why do you think it is that so many of us women are naturally & unhealthfully drawn to men that are aloof & want us to come close to be humiliated/smacked-down?!)
As outsiders, we can not judge adult kids for making the decision to cut off their parents. We were not inside their household growing up. There are things parents can do to permanently "tear up their parent card", as Dr. L would put it. Heck, even Barbara Bush did not attend her own mom's funeral.
It's nice that mother's give the gift of life, but if they are too evil or sick to raise them, they should give them up for adoption!

(70)
Anonymous,
May 14, 2009 11:46 AM

I hear you, but don't worry

I was raised by a mother with mental illness and I understand your feelings. For me though, I wanted to become a mother and raising my children has been one of the most healing experiences I have had. My childhood dream was to have my own happy family.
Am I perfect? No- what mother is? I know I was afraid to discipline them for fear they would feel "abuse", so I was perhaps more lenient than some parents. However my children know that they are unconditionally loved and that I treasure them. At each stage of their development, I relived my own childhood and replaced unhappy moments with moments of loving joy. This time I was the Mom. I had control of the emotional climate, and the many loving hugs and smiles filled my own empty childhood heart. Through my children, I actually "grew up" emotionally as well.
With children, sometimes rewards are not always evident until much later, but my children have grown into loving caring people. This has been a great blessing and I thank G-d every day for these gifts.

(69)
Barbara Lita,
May 14, 2009 8:55 AM

HaShem heals our inequities

Many times I felt like the Lone Ranger... seeing other women with seemingly ideal relationships with their mother and children. My relationship with my alcoholic (and controlling) mother was very contentious, until GOD heard my desperate cry and answered. HE is helping me do my part in mending any damaged relationships with my children. Most of all HE is teaching me how to heal from the trauma of violence and neglect I experienced as a child coming from both my mother and my grandfather (her father). HaShem has broken the vicious cycle of violence in our family. I believe GOD has removed our generational curse.

(68)
Anonymous,
May 13, 2009 11:01 PM

The healing Power of Love

It is sad to see how much pain is out there. What has always given me hope was seeing that there is hapiness in the world, even if it is somebody else's. I wish everyone here, and all who are in pain, to feel the comfort and healing of allowing love into their lives. Thank you Sarah, for sharing.

(67)
Anonymous,
May 13, 2009 8:58 PM

parent coach by phone

I had plenty enough therapy, for some of the reasons articulated above, but when my adopted 4 yr.old child (with a few disabilities)hit/bit, etc, my internal 3 yr. re-emerged and wanted to bite, hit back. Who knew she was still there? Three resources: a parent coach I could call quickly, who taught me to walk away first, calm down then discipline in a calm voice, The Connected Child,by K. Purvis and relaxation techniques. My child and I discuss our methods and 'high-five' our successes.

(66)
Anonymous,
May 13, 2009 4:12 PM

I emmpathize

My mother was borderline schizophrenic and a substance abuser.
I fidn myself unabel to fidnd words to describe what it was like growing up with her. My father counldn't handle it and left.
In our Jewish community, 45 years ago, this made us even more "untouchable".
Fortunatly, when I was 13, she decided she didn't want me, and I ended up in foster care.
Foster care wasn't perfect, but it enabled me to see what a more normal home life could be like.
My husband is also from a difficult family background. Before we had children- which we both wanted- we took a series of parenting classes.
This was almost 30 years ago, and the variety of these things is so much greater, now.
There are resources available for people who want to have children, and do not want to repeat the sort of homelife they had.
My grandmother (my mother's mother) was an alchoholic- which may have contributed to her mental illness. That is the current theory.
At any rate, while we were concerned abotu the possibility of having children with mental illness ( none of our 4 children do, B"H), we felt we could at least provide a stable and supportive family, if they did.
We are very grateful for the family we have made.
You can make a conscious choice to do better.

(65)
anonymous,
May 13, 2009 9:51 AM

I know...

...because my family had similar issues. My siblings & I all have children. I and one other are doing a good job. THe other 2 have not been effective parents, and I think it's because they were so traumatized that when their turns came, they were afraid to impose any restrictions or discipline for fear it would turn to abuse.
Thank you for an article that might help others understand why some people don't have children or choose to have small families.

(64)
Anonymous,
May 13, 2009 7:30 AM

Thank you for sharing your story

What an incredible story.. I admire your courage and perseverance to live your life and to make a priority out of protecting your children from experiencing the roller-coaster that you unfortunately experienced.. Kol Hakavod to you.. May Hashem bless you with nurturing people in your life..

(63)
Rhona,
May 12, 2009 12:28 PM

Did Not pass on the bad genes by choice

My mother was both physically and emotionally abusive all my life.. She beat me, chased me with a knife around our dining room table, left scars on my hands and arms from her scratches. I did not want to pass those genes that are in ME to another. I did not have children, nor did I ever marry. I have forgiven her because she is sick, but there is no need to bring another child into the world who may possess her genes. If my child would have looked like her, I feel it would have been very difficult for me to raise that child with the love he or she would deserve. The pain I endured makes me feel that by not having children, I have helped stop this birth line. When I die, so does the bad genes. I love my pets.. They are my children.

(62)
Toby Katz,
May 12, 2009 12:00 AM

Let yourself enjoy your children

People who come from a painful background like yours are so worried about messing up with their own kids that they almost try too hard, and are very hard on themselves. Being a mother is hard work even for people who had a happy childhood but please don't let it be JUST hard work. Children are intrinsically enjoyable and loveable and you should just let yourself enjoy them and take pleasure in their sweetness and deliciousness. Enjoy them to the fullest while they are little. Those baby years fly away all too soon.

(61)
Jeanette,
May 11, 2009 8:54 PM

sad and painful

A lot of credit goes to this young woman who has exhibited a great deal of courage and strength in spite of her not having what every child should have, a loving mother. Kudos to her, H-shem has blessed her because she is relying on Him and I would say her emunah is great

(60)
Anonymous,
May 11, 2009 8:43 PM

growing up with addict parents

Though not the same as mental illness, having an addict as a parent many of the actions and reactions they had were unpredictable. I could relate to having to act like a shadow in my home as a child. I took every chance I could when I was younger to get out and go to friends homes. I see that not having clear boundaries and reactions has damaged me in the way I deal with my kids and their behaviors. There are many things I do differently from my parents because I didn't like the way it felt as a child. I am proud of myself for that! Yes, there is always room for growth and learning new coping skills, I pray for guidance and clarity in dealing with my parenting issues. I wish everyone with these very deep challenges the ability to cope with them. With self awareness and introspection we unlock the door to our pure souls.

(59)
Beverly Kurtin,
May 11, 2009 7:15 PM

Breath through your eyes

As silly as that sounds at first glance, it has been used for thousands of years to help stop an action in its tracks. Just imagine that instead of breathing through your nose, you are breathing through your eyes. Sounds odd, but it works. When my children got me to the end of my rope, I breathed through my eyes and said nothing but smiled. Almost magically, my mood modified to what which I wanted and my children would see my eyes and instantly stop. No threatening, no hitting, no negativity. I was fortunate enough to have had a great mom who had an incredible sense of humor and died too soon. Give it a try and you'll be a super mom. Here's a big HUG to you.

(58)
Anonymous,
May 11, 2009 6:44 PM

still working on it

Both of my parents came from abusive homes and passed on their own messed up views. I have gone through a lot and worked through the issues with lots of time in therapy.
I now just gave birth to another child. I am so worried that I might be passing along the same types of things that my mother passed to me. I am seeking help from Hashem and a therapist that can finally take the negativity and fear away from me and my family!
I can't tell you how brave you are as a mother. Your wisdom on letting Hashem help you is a blessing beyond words. I am so greatful to reading your words of wisdom. They will help me more than you will ever know!

(57)
Anonymous,
May 11, 2009 1:13 PM

thank you

Thank you for sharing your experience with us. I too had almost an identical experience to yours - silenced or rebuked or much much worse, at every notice. I spent almost my entire childhood in silence in my room with the door closed. And when I had children of my own I did and still do question my every facial expression and every sentence... I too think a lot about how Hashem is the third parent, and I get a lot of my confidence from my partner, my husband. I have "strict rules" for myself like - never get angry, raise my voice, or embarrass them. But I still worry that something subconscious or subliminal will somehow transfer... YET THROUGH ALL THIS I must believe that I am whole. that just something can be damaged, it can be healed. Just like something can be a void, so too it can be a source. And Hashem Loves us all, and Wants us to succeed, there is no hidden trap... It must be true, despite my inculcated insecurity, that if I love them and smile at them, that's enough :) Even if I make a mistake, or many mistakes. Yes, I am scared, that's only natural. But the best parenting I can give them is a calm and confident one.

(56)
Anonymous,
May 11, 2009 1:07 PM

Please speak to a Rav or Rebbetzin that understands you.

I had a problem similar to this situation although not nearly as bad, just a typical dysfunctional family with some extras, like my father being bipolar (currently existing in a mental institution). I had my own fears of having children after my first 2 and, after a late miscarriage, was given the break from childbearing that was supposed to last 2 years. I was relieved since I could tell what lack of sleep did to my attitude and my ability to respond calmly and logically to my kids. With the total support of my husband (who is my best friend), we made the decision to extend not having more children until I felt ready, even if I never did.
I have been privileged to be close with a number of teachers and Rabbis who have proven that they are scholarly and understanding of even the worst circumstances and have shown me that I must trust myself and know myself and that those are some of the most important things in a Jew's life. After 5 years of waiting, I had the opportunity to approach one Rabbi, a dayan in Israel and tremendous teacher in many notable schools, to discuss my thoughts with him. He repeated me and wailed the same way I did- "You have two precious N'shamot!!!" He told me that from now on, it is not a She'elah for me to ask about when to get pregnant, that I am to paskin that question myself, it is mine to decide. He saw me a few days later and asked me, "How do you feel?" in a calm and glad manner and I told him I felt relief and he smiled. I see people who are at their wits' end and have children, abuse them, hate them and say that having more kids is a mitzvah. - I have even heard from an out-of-control mother say that it is "Gam-zu'l'tovah" that her children are abused, that that is what G-d wants them to be and it is their test (talk about taking a concept out of context!). This is totally true. People will convince themselves that they are doing the will of Ha-shem and justify their crazy behavior and not getting real help. If you or anyone you know is in this position, try to guide them to get help and advice from someone who will hear them out and truly consider their position in life, their ideas and feelings. We have to learn to trust ourselves and hopefully, Ha-shem is on our side.

(55)
Margaret K.M.,
May 11, 2009 11:15 AM

All mothers should read this.

All mothers should read your story. We are all able to act with cruelty and to neglect our children , even if our mental health status is OK. Stress. exhaustion, other problems lead us to become insensitive. The impact of various pressures on our mothering is a matter of degree, sometimes subtle and seemingly negligeable - we are all affected by this in some way. As a mother I need to use simmilar skills and srategies as you do to avoid critical words and insensitive behaviour. Thank you for sharing your story. Being a mother is a demanding job, we all need to take care of ourselves to do it well.

(54)
Anonymous,
May 11, 2009 8:42 AM

Your article means alot to me. Although bH I was not brought up in a family of abusers, my family life has been far from perfect and I have shed many tears and had much heartache because of it. I think parents don't understand how much they affect their children. Children esteem their parents, they try to be like them subconsciously and try to get their admiration and love. When their parents are upset, unhappy or are fighting, it can hurt them so much inside and it can cause a tremendous amoung of fear within. I think their are many people who have been through this type of thing (though maybe not as extreme)and I want to thank you for bringing it to attention. I hope you continue to grow in your relationship with Hashem and with your children in a healthy and happy way.

(53)
Anonymous,
May 11, 2009 7:45 AM

I too came from a family of abusers

and I was fearful of having children although I longer for them. I remind myself all the time to tell my child that I love him even when he has made mistakes. I did not have that kind of reassurance whhen I was child and I know that it damaged me and my relationships with men.

(52)
michal,
May 11, 2009 5:35 AM

i proved to myself that i can do it diffrent

growing up with a mentally ill mother, i remember thinking and having thae thought sustain me : i will do it diffrently" being a mother like the one i wanted to have but did not have, was a vindication of all the suffering i went through. every day i can pat myself on the back and say 'i did it diffrently'when you hear your children saughing out loud you can let go of the fear and say "i did it my way, did it diffrently".

(51)
Anonymous,
May 11, 2009 2:54 AM

Validation

One can only wonder how many of us are out there...keeping it all inside. It feels as though we are such an anomaly, but maybe not so much as we thought. It was so validating to read your story.

(50)
Anonymous,
May 11, 2009 12:40 AM

Good luck

I grew up in what we call today a "disfunctional family" - in so many different ways. I can "excuse" my father as he was diagnosed as mentally ill. As a mother now, on the one hand I understand more the situations my mother found herself having to deal with. On the other hand I do not understand the decisions she made. In a conversation I had with my daughter when she became a mother I once said "I think of what my mother would have done and do the exact opposite."
I admit that I have made mistakes a long the way. But one thing my children tell me was always very very obvious - that I loved them and was trying my best. Today I relish in my relationship with my children and their relationship amongst themselves. And mostly I get a lot of nachat from my children telling me that they want their home to be like ours.
Since I think that this is the important message I'll repeat it "...I loved them and was trying my best." I wish you lots of love, belief, patience and strength.

(49)
Angela,
May 10, 2009 10:39 PM

ADMIRABLE WOMAN

how i wish i have read your article long before my children have grown old. You have given me some insight on how to deal with kids but as of now my kids are all grown up now and i feel sorry for not giving them my full attention because i am a working mother. i have left my kids 3 boys and 2 girls to the care of a nanny while i am out earning for a living. now as i look back and have read your article i felt so sorry for the time lost that i should have spent with them. MORE POWER TO YOU... and please continue to do what you are doing now... GOD BLESS

(48)
Anonymous,
May 10, 2009 10:36 PM

thanks for sharing

My mother was also abusive, and I also worried trmendously whether or not I would hurt my children the way she hurt me. It takes more work for us than other people because you not only have to work like any other parent raising their children but fight against your inner instinct of what you were raised with. my children are now 14,16 and 19 and Thank God I did break the chain of abuse. I was very affectionate and still am with my children, I also really encouraged them to talk. a great book that I read was Raising roses Among the thorns and Raising Children to Care. Good Luck-you can do it.

(47)
Susan,
May 10, 2009 8:54 PM

Mental illness is devastating

I just got divorced from a man who was, diagnosed with mental illness after we were married many years, I wish I had known all along that it was not my inability to please him but his inability to be pleased by anyone and anything that was the problem. There are meany medications out there but the sooner a diagnosis is made the healthier the environment will be for all that deal with this. There are good people plagued with an illness and evil people plagued with it. Sometimes it's the person who is responsible, sometimes the illness. For children, it may be hard to distinguish between the two. Thanks for sharing.

(46)
Malka Koretzky,
May 10, 2009 8:39 PM

thank you for your honesty

What a deeply personal and inspiring message you shared with readers! Thank you for allowing us a glimpse into your life and may you continue to have the strength to seek out G-d.

(45)
ruth housman,
May 10, 2009 7:50 PM

the courage to parent

Under any circumstances, parenting is a difficult task and perhaps the most important job in the world, because our children are our future, and we want to raise them with love. When we ourselves have been abused, neglected or not felt love for a host of reasons, we often feel inadequate to the tasks and doubt ourselves. Certainly a mentally ill mother who is not able to take care of her children's emotional needs, causes deep scarring and pain. After all, our parents are our first gods.
I am convinced Sarah, that you are a wonderful Mom, because your sensitivity is clear and your concerns throughout this little piece speak to your understanding how important it is to give to your children something you missed, and your self questioning is part of your journey towards whole ness and towards that giving.
This is a beautiful, honest piece of writing and I believe many others will find what you have to say, resonates for them.

(44)
Anonymous,
May 10, 2009 7:10 PM

Thank you for sharing this. It sounds so much like my life. I"m now a grandmother and my daughter thinks I'm the most awesome mother. You are doing a much much better job than you can believe. May you have peace and the ability to trust your emotions with your children.

(43)
Evelyn Matalon,
May 10, 2009 6:30 PM

My dear, my heart aches for you but I feel sure with G-d's help and your prayers you will overcome. I am an old lady of 92 and I have always felt that children are not obligated to care for their parents. Oarents have children for their own pleasure, No child aked to be born into this world, and if you have been fortunate enough to have loving parents then you will automically feel to cae for them in their old age or sickness. If the parensts did not treat the child well why does the child not an adult have to sacrifuce him or her self for the parent. If you have at last found happiness, so not give it up for a sick moher who was horrible to you when you had no one else to care for you. Make your own life and help out when you can, but do not throw away your happiness for her.
My best wishes to you for a happy life.
Evelyn

(42)
Anonymous,
May 10, 2009 6:14 PM

Thank you.

(41)
Lysa,
May 10, 2009 5:55 PM

Thanks for sharing

Dear Sarah,
Thank you for sharing your story with us. I too grew up with a dysfunctional and mentally ill mother. It can make for tricky parenting when we do not have a map or role model to follow. I would just like to say that if we parent from love and compassion, we are doing well. Furthermore, the past holds no power over the present. Our neshamas have a tremendous capacity to raise above our life situations and bring light into the world. Yasher Koach, I honour your strength and integrity.

(40)
Anonymous,
May 10, 2009 5:49 PM

Hashem and your faith in Him keep you striving

Yes, Sarah, I identify. I had grown up with two parents who were abusive and neglectful. I received therapy when I was pregnant with my husband and my first child and then when our second child was under the age of 1 year old. i am glad that I did. I left home when I was 15. I have been frum for almost 14 years. I remember apeakign with my rav and he said that the home I was raised in was between "evil and illness." I am a parent as I have said and have been in your shoes in the thoughts of parenting and the way I have structured my parenting. Yes, it is unlike other adults parenting. It comes from a differnt place- differnt points of reference.
No one could possibly understand if they have not been in these shoes or similar..... I remember my rebbetzen looking at me early on and saying, "You are a controlled person." I remeber at the time thinking this was wonderful, yet now I know the perspective she was coming at and I was not at the time comfortable in my own skin.
I with the therapy and after reading Dr. Laura's: Bad Childhood, Good Life" book have grown and accept myself and my parenting skills. My skills are not abusive and I remember addressing this specific fear in therapy. it can be worked out and I have faith you are a wonderful parent and you will continue to be and grow more and more every day!
Yasher Koach! Bracha v' hatzlachoh!

(39)
Anonymous,
May 10, 2009 5:24 PM

it doesn't go way

I was so surprised to read your story and the comments. This is the FIRST time I saw my reason articulated. I do not have children. I could never understand why people wanted them. The impression from my family is that they are useless parasites. Not good parasites, because do not always do what the host wants.
My mother died a long time ago, when I was in my 20's. i don't know what her diagnosis would have been if things had been different then. No one in my mothers family reached out to me. I was so withdrawn that I have very few memories of my childhood. Told that this is not atypical, in sever situations the child blanks it all out, because has no other way to protect itself. I did not have children, I did not want to do to them what had been done to me. I did not know life could be different. An abortion was less painful than life.
I became my mother when fighting with my husband. Screaming hateful things, being mean--and I lost respect for him because he took all my trash. Now I must be in control-never cried about it, feel that it all still inside. I know that I will even control my own death to the best of my ability. I will not be dependent.
Thank you for letting me say this, it has been cathartic. I wish I knew some of you--it would not be so isolating to know there are others that have had similiar experiences.

(38)
Anonymous,
May 10, 2009 4:36 PM

Going Strong

Kol ha'kavod!
My story is slightly different than yours. At age three my parents divorced. My father abandoned us (mother, myself and two brothers) - never to step back into our lives. My mother, due to her mental illness was never able to give emotionally.
B'li eiyin hora, I am a wife, mother, grandmother and professional in my 50's. Yes, with the help of therapy, I have learned to trust myself, others and Hashem. Yes, it is a continuous process of growing and, at times, struggling. Yes, there are many frustrating moments. Yes, I am still in the process of growing and, at times, struggling. And, I may say, I am doing a phenomenal job. Perfect it is not, but is anyone perfect?
With Hashem's help, personal effort and therapy, as needed - you will be amazed at what one can accomplish. The fact that you and I realize that there are areas that need to be adjusted and that we are willing to work on it is a major factor.
Continue to have success in everything you are doing and in being the great Mom that you are. Know Hashem is with you at all times.

(37)
Anonymous,
May 10, 2009 4:16 PM

I understand you, but do not agree with you

Your description of your growing up is very sad. Was your mother always horrible or was she loving as well? Did the horrors obliterate the goodness? She gave you life and shelter food and clothing, no? How did you survive to this day if not? Was she there? Did she run away and leave you motherless and abandoned? Did she ask forgiveness for the hair pulling and related behaviors? Did you ever find out why she behaved in such ways? Do you care to know? What was her childhood like? Do you allow her contact with her grandchildren? How does your husband feel about your mother? and your children? Is your mother locked away and committed to an asylum for the mentally ill? Were any of her outbursts understandable? Was she ever defending herself? Did her husband stand by her? So many more questions. May your heart be healed speedily and completley.

(36)
Anonymous,
May 10, 2009 3:53 PM

Thank you so much for airing this problem.

My mother was and probably is still mentally ill, and my husband's mother was mentally ill. I left her house when I was 16, and vowed to be "different" always knowing she was "sick". I too, have a huge story, which I largely just keep to myself. I have raised 3 children, and worry each day if I have been a "good enough" mother. This is a problem which has been kept in the closet for too long because of perceived shame in society. Thank you for bringing this out into the open.

(35)
Anonymous,
May 10, 2009 1:32 PM

Mentally Ill Parent

I completely understand Ms. Smith's feeling. Having grown up with a severly mentally ill father made me wonder how I ever had the courage to have a family of my own. I love my children and grandchildren with all my heart, but I still live with the doubts and fear that there is somethng of my father in me. May we find peace in our lives.

(34)
Anonymous,
May 10, 2009 12:53 PM

wish i had this article to read when my children were young

strength and peace to you always. you are a hero.

(33)
Anonymous,
May 10, 2009 12:14 PM

What unbelivable timing

I am going through hell today.
I came again to the computer to escape. I feel G-ds presence because,
as I read I felt Him telling me.
It's going to be ok.
I went through similar things and struggle
with raising my only child.
I felt like I was my mother today
completely out of control.
You have me hope
I am working on myself but I do need therapy.
It's good to see hope.

(32)
Anonymous,
May 10, 2009 11:06 AM

almost sounded like I wrote the story

wow! Its good to know we are not alone.
I am 48 and already a grandmother. Since my mother's constant yelling as a teenager I have become very sensitive to people's comments thinking they are putting me down. I also monitor my moods and am constantly fearful that I will lose control. I have never once had a good night's sleep. My mother doesn't know my children, never talks to them, never asks to see pictures of them.
all I hear is "don't talk they are listening". What a way to live. So what do I do? I go to classes, and study, I learned to play an instrument, and keep my mind busy. Perhaps we should e-mail each other with ideas and "wisdom" to get through
this.

(31)
Susan Marie,
May 10, 2009 11:00 AM

Teaching you what not to do

Kudos to you Sarah. I grew up in a similar fashion, only mom was not mentally ill, she just did what was done to her and knew nothing else...I began my life raising my son in anger this way until I was blessed with working in a Montessori setting day care and had all 3 of my children raised that way. It taught me how to not treat children. At first, I was accused of being a hypocrite. She saw that I stopped trying to control and stopped yelling and began to give them choices to let them see their actions have consequences, started treating them with loving kindness so that part took over too. In many years of therapy, I also have been told I over mothered them but now in my later years and their adulthood, I take a look at the bigger picture and see that they are pretty wonderful kids. It was not all rosy. It was very scary. Never knowing what I may have said or done to them if it would have serious impact. You went one better, you knew to pray for guidance. I didn't have that raising my children. I am a Noahide who is unlearning my old ways. I have now just been working with a Rabbi who is teaching me to pray. I am not trying to be Jewish, just be a better person, wife and mother. I am grateful to have had the opportunity to know what not to do to children. I have her to thank for that. Thank you for your brutal honesty. I feel your pain. I really do. But as we both now know, we are not in control and we are never, ever alone. Baruch HaShem.

(30)
Anonymous,
May 10, 2009 10:55 AM

Surviving mentally ill mothers

My response to a mentally ill mother who blamed me for being born, was to develop 17 alter personalities and to go in and out of dissociative states, and leaving me with amnesia for most of my life, which has been told to me. I don't remember most of my 61 years. I was in a very bad marriage. Although I failed the first round of fertility tests, I did have a son 39 years ago. When he was six,I l knew he wasn't safe with me. Between the dissociative states, my binge drinking, and my other mental disorders, I had to turn custody over to his dad, because I knew my main responsibility as his mother was to keep him safe. Although it's better today, society blames mothers and even strangers have no problem telling mothers like us how bad we are and how selfish we are and how we can't love our children if we don't raise them, and the one leading the charge--my own mother, and right behind her, my sisters. The worst came when his father and step mother moved my son 3,000 miles away,due to health issues with their daughter and my son and I were separated for 13 years. I do have the gift of having my son in my life who shares things with me and asks me advice, and who knows and accepts most of the time, it was because I loved him, I knew I was not what was best for him. Just before opening my email about ten minutes ago, I was talking to my son who called to wish me "happy 39th Mother's Day, Ma!" Thank you Hashem!
Shalom!

(29)
Nowieemes,
May 10, 2009 10:54 AM

I feel 100% with you dear writter:

I am still a teenager, but eventhough I really understand you!!! I myself dont have a good realationship with my mother either, but thats a looong story. However I wish you my dear writter a lot of power and our beloved Father in heaven should help you to raise your children as good jews!!!

(28)
Anonymous,
May 10, 2009 10:24 AM

Having a difficult time with life

As far as I know, neither of my parents are mentally ill, however they did hurt me often (physically and emotionally). I want to talk to someone about it but it doesn't seem like anyone understands, and I have a difficult time finding the words to express myself. My psychiatrist said that I have a negative personality and that I wouldn't have the problems I do if I would just think more positively. I can't. I wish I could, but I can't. I wonder if she would think that I was excessively negative if I could explain what happened.
I am afraid of people and have never had a relationship with a man even though I am getting too old to marry. I do want to have children and wish I could - I know I wouldn't hurt them.
I am going to see my mother later today, since it is what is required of me. It is really hard to find a card that doesn't say "thanks for being the greatest mother who took care of me all the time." I did finally find one that says something along the lines of "Happy Mother's Day, I hope you have a great day."

(27)
shira,
May 10, 2009 8:31 AM

i can really identify with the writer. personally i feel no emotional attachment to my mother although she is a wonderful person. it seems as if she never bonded with us kids on an emotional level though she did the best she can with the tools she had. it never bothered me until i reached my forties. i would like to tell the author that being aware is a tremendous step in the right direction and the best thing she can do is invite G-d into her life, which she does and He will definitely help her out. best of luck and lots of nachas.A

(26)
Anonymous,
May 10, 2009 7:53 AM

Thank you so much for sharing this - I honestly feel privileged to have read this honest and beautiful story. As long as you are fighting, you are winning.

(25)
Anonymous,
May 10, 2009 6:11 AM

thank you

Thank you very much for this. Good luck!

(24)
Anonymous,
May 10, 2009 4:32 AM

A topic that should be more open to discussion

Thank you for writing this article. Topics like this should be more openly discussed. While your situation was awful growing up, I hope you were able to find some solace as an adult that her abuse was caused by her disease. My own home life, like many others, was the product of a mother who was simply cruel and abusive, no mental illness to exonerate her. I'm young and single and terrified. And in the opposite direction of parenting, honoring your father and mother becomes such a difficult mitzvah when it's supposed to be one of the more straightforward ones. For example, just because I'm my mother's only living family, I am expected to care for her now that she has cancer, but we've been estranged since I was 15, 10 years ago. Why would Hashem let me go through hell with her, only to escape, then be asked to again sacrifice myself for her when I've only now found some kind of happiness? Why do people feel it's it different because I'm the only child? And why do people feel that it would be different if the parent had sexually abused the child, rather than physical and mental abuse? Like your article points out, we aren't like other people, and what seems so simple to people who love their mothers becomes incredibly difficult for us. People are very dismissive, believing that no one could not love their mother, and I personally am tired of hearing, "I know you'll do the right thing in the end" from people who have no idea what this kind of situation is like.
I have always learned best from negative examples, and I can only pray this area of my life will be the same. But I'm still terrified I'll become her.

(23)
Anonymous,
May 9, 2009 9:28 PM

My support to you

Dear Sarah,
I am a mother and young grandmother, and a baalas teshuva. I read this article and I wanted to give you support. We know two people who we share our home and time with that came from similar experiences as you. One of them grew up, upstairs from my husband in his apartment building. we give him love and support. One thing he likes is to come over, put on tefillin and learn Torah with my husband. We enjoy giving him some happiness. Occasionally he will even eat a little here. Although he feels he wants a partner, he doesnt feel confident to marry. He has gotten alot of nachas from our children though, who include him in their lives and he comes now to dance at our simchas!
I want to offer you my spiritual support, although we don't know each other, I am so impressed by your strength, to carry on as a jewish woman, going above and beyond the nesyones to do HaShem's ratzon and to take part in the brachos that HaShem gave us. I have much more to say to you, but for now, I just send you my love and admiration and best wishes. I would love to have you as a neighbor!
with brachos for strength and wisdom and all that you need!

(22)
anonymous,
May 9, 2009 6:01 PM

thank you

Thank you so much for writing this. I am the daughter of two mentally ill, divorced parents. I am newly married and still struggle with negative beliefs about my ability to be a good marriage partner, although with the help of G-d and my wonderful husband I am learning to change that thinking. But I still worry, almost obsessively, about my ability to be a good mother. I especially worry about the consequences of anger, as the author mentioned. I appreciate that she not only tells her story, but shares strategies for dealing with these challenges. This is an inspiring tale and gives people like us hope that we can overcome negative family legacies and live healthy, happy lives.

(21)
Anonymous,
May 9, 2009 1:17 PM

Can I copy this approach?

' I also take extra care not to reach a state of exhaustion, which makes it harder to keep control of myself. When I go to sleep at night, I say to God "I am going off shift. You keep watch." In this way, I remind myself that I am allowed to concede my limits, both physically and emotionally, and ask for support and reinforcement'. I specially like this part. Thank you for a very inspiring article. G-d bless!

(20)
Anonymous,
May 9, 2009 12:46 PM

Thank you!

I am 23 and still am not sure if I will ever be ready to be a mother. How can I, if I still want a mother so badly, it hurts and slices through me?

(19)
Anonymous,
May 9, 2009 7:31 AM

Thank you for showing the way up

I am too hurt to speak of my own life, so I am grateful to you for telling your story and showing that there is a way up, a way to survive and thrive. I thank you and all the readers for their comments.

(18)
Anonymous,
May 8, 2009 10:19 PM

You have two chances at a good mother

Dr. Laura said something that was illuminating. Paraphrasing - "You have two chances at a good mother. The one you inherit and the one you become."
I never knew my father, had a bi-polar mother who was committed, married 7 times, and left a legacy of broken lives.
Becoming the mother you wish you had "inherited" helps to heal you. Experiencing the childhood, and family, you create for your children will help you separate yourself from your mother, and help diminish your fears.
I wish you continued healing and hope in time you will no longer fear what you think you could become and appreciate the courage and love you have chosen to bless your children with- with Hashem's help.

(17)
Anonymous,
May 8, 2009 7:12 PM

What a Blessed & Timely Gift This Article Has Been!

Oh goodness, I feel as though HaShem put this article here just when I needed it and selected exactly the right words and thoughts when I needed them. This was such an answer to prayer. Thank you, Sarah Smith!
I have finally found my true b'shert. He has proposed to me and has three wonderful daughters from a previous marriage. I have no children but was also married before. I was raised by a mentally ill mother and can relate to the author's story. Furthermore, my b'shert was married to a woman who is also mentally ill. I see the impact it has had on his children, especially his eldest. They struggle with many of the same issues I did for many of the same reasons. The eldest echoes the same sentiment I did at her age: "I'm never having kids," for the same reasons.
Now, I am getting ready to be a stepmother and find my anxieties almost swarming me under at times as shadows of my mother seem to cast themselves over me. I feel I'm both my mother and my teenage self at the same time and it sometimes frightens me. I see so much of myself in my fiance's eldest daughter, too.
This article seems to be hand-picked as an answer to prayer. I'm going to share it with my soon-to-be-stepdaughter. I hope she'll find some encouragement in it like I did. Perhaps it will open some dialogue for both of us and help us toward healing and hope as we begin our new lives together as a family.

(16)
Anonymous,
May 8, 2009 4:30 PM

Great mom

Self-insight and honesty are the surest elements of recovery and health. We are not doomed to relive the past. We can change. You are doing a great job.

(15)
Naomi,
May 8, 2009 11:27 AM

you need a lot of psychological help- children need not to be terrorized by their parents but they also need discipline and structure. It is not good for your fear to hold you back from putting limits when necessary- and for the sake of your family as a whole, I believe you need longlife therapy and support- just from reading your article I think you are not ready to let go of that professional help (im in the field)

(14)
Anonymous,
May 8, 2009 9:23 AM

Doing great

There are many mothers who can't even do what you do and they had a good relationship with their mother. Many mothers can't take time out to gain their composure before responding to their children without getting angry. How many mothers have the level of bitachon in Hashem that you have! It sounds like your situation has made you a better Mother than most mothers. Hatzlacha raba!

(13)
Anonymous,
May 8, 2009 4:49 AM

thank you. I grew up in a similar situation and i relate to this article on a very real level. i am still single and i think one of the biggest fears i have of getting married has to do with how i will be a mother to my children. how did you develope such trust in Hashem? Do you think therapy is crucial in order to take the steps needed?

(12)
Miriam Adahan,
May 8, 2009 1:37 AM

G-d bless you for speaking out! You write beautifully, from the heart and your words will help others who have experienced abuse. I have dedicated my life to giving moms like you the tools to raise their children with love, even if they don't quite know what that word means. For example, I have a set of 39 "sanity cards" that I hung on a poster board in every room in my home to remind me of positive messages during difficult times. I'll be happy to send them to you. Hang in there! Write to me at emett@netvision.net.il or www.miriamadahan.com

(11)
Zahava,
May 7, 2009 7:19 PM

Thank G-d for Aish.com

I am so grateful to the editors at Aish for publishing myth-busting stories such as these. So many of us "out here" grew up with not just "imperfect" parents, but actual torture (emotional, physical, sometimes sexual) and heartless neglect of our basic needs on every level. I can relate to much of the author's story, and, not having found Torah Judaism till too late, I did give in to overwhelming fear, self-hatred, and horror at the very idea of having children. I am unable to have a relationship with my mother even now. The very word "mother" still has the power to turn my stomach.
I would not be who I am today, at 49, and as happy and healing as I am, if not for Aish.com, among other gifts of G-d (and R' Weinberg z"l) that I am so thankful for in place of the children and family ties that many others enjoy. At the same time it is so hard to keep reading again and again in various ways about how G-d is "like a loving parent"... I can't relate to that. Instead, I am learning that a loving parent is one who tries to be like G-d... and I'm finally coming to believe that having been abused was, truly, not my fault.
For me, G-d is (has to be) father, mother, sister, brother, spouse, best friend, and child. Finding "family" among unrelated members of my beautiful frum community is icing on the cake. Who knows -- if life had not been so horrible for me then, it might not be so good for me now. Life is good, and so is G-d, baruch Hashem.

(10)
Anonymous,
May 7, 2009 5:37 PM

Thank you!!!! I really enjoyed the article on a personable level and it showed me where to put HASHEM into the picture!thank you!

(9)
Anonymous,
May 7, 2009 4:34 PM

Good for you-spread your message!

The fact that you have been able to overcome your difficult past and not perpetauate your own suffering is unbeleivable. In fact, you are probably a better mother than most because you are so concious of the need for good mothering skills. Please, for the sake of so many who need to hear your message and be reasured that it can be done, continue to spread and share your experiences and your message.

(8)
Anonymous,
May 7, 2009 3:29 PM

good for you to work it out and strive for a fulfilling life

Why you were challenged with an ill mom is not to be understood but it seems you have struggled to lead a fulfilling and productive life. All parents make mistakes but it seems to me like you are and will be a fine mom and your kids will feel fortunate to have been raised by you.

(7)
chana,
May 7, 2009 2:49 PM

I left my mother at 14

I went to live with my father and his wife, who then abused me emotionally for years. I have talked to so many people since then who don't understand how scary it is to have this constant fear inside that you're going to become "just like HER". The best example you have of how to be a mother, is of how NOT to be a mother! Even though it has been decades, when something triggers a memory, it can be just as fresh and terrifying as it was then. I don't even tell my husband because he doesn't completely understand.

(6)
Shmuel,
May 7, 2009 2:05 PM

An approach to parents' illness

My father was manic-depressive, a condition currently called bipolar. My first memory, as a child, was a visit to a psychiatric ward. As the years went by, I became acquainted with all sorts of medications and protocols for such an illness. I lived through his ups and downs, and his dream flights back to Auschwitz and his murdered family. My father was never cured, and spent his life alternating between reality and his skewed bipolar world.
I am married and have a large family of kids. What I want to share with you is the thought that keeps me going. At my age (middle age), my father had already clearly been sick for years. I am healthy. To me, that means JUST BECAUSE HE WAS SICK, IT DOESN’T MEAN I’M GOING TO BE SICK. Of course, I was affected by his illness. I am highly emotional and easily brought to tears, especially when dealing with the Holocaust. But, with G-d’s kindness, I am not sick, and there is no reason for me to be more concerned than anyone else.
Every year, on my birthday, those thoughts go through my mind. My children are also emotionally stable. My mother, also a Holocaust survivor, taught me that G-d never hits with both hands. After spending all those years suffering at home, I can now say that my mother’s adage is certainly true.

(5)
malka,
May 7, 2009 1:48 PM

youre a strong woman

may god give you strength. it takes much courage and strength to break the chain. keep strong!

(4)
Anonymous,
May 7, 2009 12:57 PM

thank you

Dear Sarah,
Thank you for having the courage to write this article. I relate to your story- my circumstances were not exaclt the same but they were similar nonetheless, I too learned early on how to become invisible. I also learned how to ignore my own needs and feelings and live on eggshells because of my mother.
having come a long way also since then, I can share some important things that i now know- 1) most of our "work" is internal, I, we, do not have the solid foundations of love and support and safety embedded in us from our childhood like most people do- so we have to rebuild ourselves up on our own- with G-d's help, we have to learn to love ourselves and accept and forgive ourselves and also discover what we want in life and what our needs and goals are (we were never given the opportunity to develop these things), 2) we cannot fall into the trap of comparing ourselves with others who had loving and nurturing mothers- things may seem to come easier to them and we may be jealous, but we have to accept that each person has their own mission here in life and as while other's jobs may be to do more tangible accomplishments in life, our primary purpose is in building ourselves up on the inside. everyone is different, everyone is their own world

(3)
a jewish mama,
May 7, 2009 6:06 AM

thank you for your courage to write this

May you be blessed in your courage to become a mother and face the demons of your past. I also had challenges growing up. My brother, who also opted not to have children, has cut our parents out of his life.

(2)
Sandy,
May 7, 2009 5:33 AM

Wow

Thank you for sharing this story, which parallels my own in many ways. I feel that every day that I'm a "good enough" mother is a triumph over the past. You should clearly be very proud of how far you've come!

(1)
Anonymous,
May 7, 2009 3:08 AM

I will pray for you and your family

this type of generational problem is not solvable as such but manageable.for some reason your happiness will not be complete because there will always be a need to keep guard, your children will have to too. perhaps if accepted as a norm for your lineage maybe over time and generations it will seem natural and your descendants will find peace.pray for me too please. thank you

My Christian friends are always speaking about “faith.” To me this sounds a lot like blind faith. Is that really the essence of religion?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

I'm afraid that this is another case of a Christian concept being mis-associated with Judaism.

Let's first define our terms. What is faith?

Webster defines faith as "Belief without proof."

What is knowledge? "An acquaintance with truth, facts or principles through study or investigation."

Faith is usually a product of desire. Have you ever gotten a tip on the market that guarantees you're going to triple your money in a month? A lot of smart people have gotten fleeced because they ignored the evidence and went with their feelings.

Knowledge, on the other hand, is based on evidence. We know there's a place called China because we have too many products in our house saying "made in China." There's a lot of evidence for the existence of China, even though most of us have never been there.

Judaism unequivocally comes down on the side of knowledge, not faith. In Deuteronomy 4:39, the Torah says: "You shall know this day, and understand it well in your heart, that the Almighty is God; in the heaven above and the earth below, there is none other." (This verse is also contained in the prayer, "Aleynu.")

This verse tells us that it is not enough to simply know in your head, intellectually, that God is the Controller of everything. You must know it in your heart! This knowledge is much more profound than an intellectual knowledge. God gave us a brain because he wants us to think rationally about the world, our role in it, and our relationship with God.

A conviction based on desire or feelings alone has no place in Judaism. The Hebrew word "emunah," which is often translated as faith, does not describe a conviction based on feelings or desire. It describes a conviction that is based on evidence.

Once this knowledge is internalized, it effects how a person lives. A person with this knowledge could transform every breathing moment into a mitzvah, for he would do everything for the sake of the heaven. But this is not a "knowledge," that comes easily. Only intensive Torah learning and doing mitzvahs can achieve this knowledge. Every word of Torah we learn moves us just a little bit closer to that goal. And everyone is capable of that.

To learn more, read "The Knowing Heart," by Rabbi Moshe Chaim Luzzatto (Feldheim.com). This entire book is an explanation of this verse!

In 350 BCE, the building of the second Holy Temple was completed in Jerusalem, as recorded in the biblical Book of Ezra (6:15). The re-building of the Temple had begun under Cyrus when the Persians first took over the Babylonian empire. The re-building was then interrupted for 18 years, and resumed with the blessing of Darius II, the Persian king whom is said to be the son of Esther. The Second Temple lacked much of the glory of the First Temple: There was no Ark of the Covenant, and the daily miracles and prophets were no longer part of the scenery. The Second Temple would stand for 420 years, before being destroyed by the Romans in 70 CE.

You shall know this day and consider it within your heart(Deuteronomy 4:39).

Business people who are involved in many transactions employ accountants to analyze their operations and to determine whether or not they are profitable. They may also seek the help of experts to determine which products are making money and which are losing. Such studies allow them to maximize their profits and minimize their losses. Without such data, they might be doing a great deal of business, but discover at the end of the year that their expenditures exceeded their earnings.

Sensible people give at least as much thought to the quality and achievement of their lives as they do to their businesses. Each asks himself, "Where am I going with my life? What am I doing that is of value? In what ways am I gaining and improving? And which practices should I increase, and which should I eliminate?"

Few people make such reckonings. Many of those that do, do so on their own, without consulting an expert's opinion. These same people would not think of being their own business analysts and accountants, and they readily pay large sums of money to engage highly qualified experts in these fields.

Jewish ethical works urge us to regularly undergo cheshbon hanefesh, a personal accounting. We would be foolish to approach this accounting of our very lives with any less seriousness than we do our business affairs. We should seek out the "spiritual C.P.A.s," those who have expertise in spiritual guidance, to help us in our analyses.

Today I shall...

look for competent guidance in doing a personal moral inventory and in planning my future.

With stories and insights,
Rabbi Twerski's new book Twerski on Machzor makes Rosh Hashanah prayers more meaningful. Click here to order...