Questions for Dominants

Ok, so, based on something that aisha has been doing lately, and what she and I talked about this last weekend, I thought it would be interesting to come up with the kinds of questions I come up with for the Special Interest Groups, but with an “only” dominant slant.

To be absolutely fair, aisha has pulled the questions but, for the life of me, I can’t find the exact reference. I’ve spent the last 15 minutes poking around looking for the reference and came to the conclusion that I could either spend the time looking, or the time blogging, and blogging won.

So, the questions I came up with are these:

1. What is the single quality a dominant most needs to possess?

2. What is the single quality that is the most detrimental for a dominant?

3. Looking back, what are the first dominant tendencies you can recognize in yourself?

4. How old were you when you had your first conscious dominant experience, the first time you recognized what you were doing?

5. What’s the best thing about being dominant, outside of play?

6. What’s the worst thing about being dominant, outside of play?

7. In your most significant relationship(s), do you or did you have a contract?

8. How many collars have you given in your life? What are your requirements for giving a collar?

9. What is the quality you find hardest to deal with in a submissive, on a personal level?

10. Do you have close friends of your own orientation? How many of your close friends share your orientation and gender?

11. Are there parts of a submissive or slave’s life that you feel a dominant shouldn’t exert influence over?

12. Do you feel personally that you were born a dominant or did circumstances in your life make you dominant?

13. Are there other members of your family who are also involved, to your knowledge?

14. Have you had relationships which evolved from vanilla to kinky?

15. How many people in your social circle, if any, are aware of your lifestyle?

16. Do you, or would you, have intimate vanilla relationships as well as kinky ones?

17. Do you have rituals and protocols that you require your submissive(s) to follow?

18. Have you ever had a significant online D/s relationship?

I may discover that I don’t give a crap about answering any of these questions, that’s more than possible. I may skip two or answer three at a time, who knows?

So, to begin at the beginning for now, anyway, the first question that came to mind was this:

What is the single quality a dominant most needs to possess?

That’s a question I always find interesting, and you know it’s unlikely I’ll actually hold myself to just one, so be prepared.

One of my good friends, Charles, answers this question consistently with the word, “Patience.”

I have always thought that it was a really insightful answer, even if it’s not one I ever might have come up with on my own.

If you do not have patience, it’s hard to teach someone. Allegedly the reason you are teaching is because you have experience and/or knowledge, so no one is going to start where you are. They’re going to make mistakes.

If you are impatient about mistakes or unkind, then what you are really teaching is fear. Fearful people don’t tend to make great students because you learn how to do things by doing them wrong.

I think patience also comes across as more in control of oneself. Impatient people get angry. There are times when you do find yourself counting to ten, or 20, or even 47. But showing impatience when it’s not warranted does not usually work terribly well.

The word I usually give is “Integrity,” because I think that covers so many other qualities by definition. It means, for instance, that I’m trustworthy. If I tell you I will do something I almost always will, though once in a while the whole thing will slip my mind for a bit, but not beyond what a reasonable person can forgive pretty easily.

To me, integrity is all about doing the right thing even when no one is looking. I figure that the person whose face I see in the mirror is the last one whose eyes I do not want to meet, so I’m better off keeping my deep dark secrets to a minimum.

I think another thing that’s perhaps just as important – told you I wouldn’t limit myself – is a sense of humor. Life is really just too short to be Ultra Super Fabulous Dom(me) all the time.

Once in a while you WILL fall flat on your ass in the dungeon or hit yourself in the face with a whip, or whisper one of those dirty things that just come out wrong.

You know how those are, you mean to whisper, “Does my hand feel good on your ass,” and it comes out, “Does my ass feel good on your hand… I mean, your hand on my ass feels good… I mean…”

And really, in those situations, it’s going to be better if you laugh first, trust me.

Also, the submissive can only hold back the giggles so long and then you’re just going to have to punish them, and there you are, right back at punishment.

I remember three instances where that was rather necessary. A female friend of mine had put her playmate on a cross, in a dungeon, but hadn’t blindfolded him. As she was walking, she tripped and in one of those utterly graceless and comical ways – and it was obvious she hadn’t hurt herself, but had stumbled badly, in a way that looked like it was choreographed by Steve Martin.

In another instance a male Dom of my acquaintance was flogging his girl, who was tied to the bed. It wasn’t a large room, which is why on one backstroke, the tails of the flogger got tangled in an external tv antenna that was on top of the television, causing him to throw it across the room when he brought the flogger forward. Again, better if you laugh first.

Years ago I was playing somewhere and one of the candles on the floor got tipped over. It was set up right again, all was well. Except that I had laid one of my little cockwhip floggers on the floor, unknowingly, and the wax had flowed under it. By the time I went to pick up the flogger, though, the wax had hardened and the flogger was stuck to the floor.

[…] interesting. From there, Ms. Constance took the idea and came up with 18 questions. She posted them here, and her answers can be found on her blog. Aisha’s Sir has answered some of the questions on […]