“It was simply a college prank that got out
of hand,” lamented Matthew Greazy, a respected professor of English
Literature at the Remedial College for Disturbed Young Women,
in Reading, Berkshire, today, after his arrest on charges of gross indecency

“I was teaching my students about
the phenomena of hero worship as it applies to the modern day media
and one of them brought up the topic of genital divinity,” explained
the fifty-one-year old academic as he massaged his handcuffed wrists.
“Much to my surprise, my contention that genital worship is an
urban myth nowadays was met with ribald laughter and cynical sneers.
So I had no alternative but to give the delinquent young minds I am
contracted to mould into responsible adults a glimpse of my family jewels.”

Dr Greazy is being held in Reading gaol on twenty-three charges of
gross indecency for his actions in the classroom and one charge of blasphemy
for allowing his testicles to be worshipped by thousands of online scrotum-fetishists.
The shocking scandal first came to light when a website notorious for
disseminating smut published close-up photographs of two extremely large
and hairy
balls, which Greazy later admitted were his own. The professor maintains
that it was a malicious student who started the ball rolling by taking
digital photographs of his genitalia and uploading them to her weblog
in order to disprove his theory on genital divinity.

Unfortunately for her and Dr Greazy, a bizarre religious cult soon
sprang up on the Internet and framed photographs of his hideous genitalia—similar
to the one that we have published—were soon changing hands, or
possibly quivering thighs, for as much as 20p each. "How was I
to know that the Internet is frequented by scrotum-fetishists from all
over the world?" wailed the disgraced academic when Utterpants
interviewed him in the foetid cell he shares with a 300lb gay sex-offender.
"I only whipped them out to demonstrate a philosophical point,"
he continued. "— I didn't think anyone would actually worship
them!"

Pausing only to shift his ample posterior as far away from his grinning
cellmate as possible, Dr Greazy choked back his tears as he told us:
“I never expected the public outcry and criminal charges that
have resulted from baring my unique, personal endowments. “On
the contrary, I expected my students to drop my balls and concentrate
on completing their essays on the Public display of competitive
flatulence in pre-Roman society, which should have been on my desk
three weeks ago.”

But instead of a stack of windy verbiage, Dr Greazy received a visit
from the Berkshire Constabulary, who questioned him while Special Branch
officers combed his flat for suspicious packages. Their investigation
turned up several pairs of soiled thongs which a neighbour testified
the professor employed in the bizarre, satanic rites to which he is
hopelessly addicted.
"I've seen the sick bastard wrap them around his head and go into
some kind of trance in which he flagellates himself into a religious
frenzy," confided twenty-four-year-old Pat Bottoms as she showed
us the video she'd taken through her eight-inch telescope which is trained
on the professor's study. "When I confronted the pervoid about
it he said the
panties made him 'see holy visions' and asked me if I'd like to
worship his balls! I can't tell you what a relief it is to know he's
safely banged up."
An emotion not shared by Dr Greazy, as he was at pains to point out
to our reporter when he begged her not to leave him alone with the very
affectionate cellmate who was unscrewing a large jar of vaseline as
she beat a hasty retreat.

As well as the
thongs, police found a vast collection of highly incriminating items,
including:

A lifetime supply of Kleenex within arm’s reach of his filthy
bed, under which officers discovered 257 pornographic magazines, some
of which dated back to 1977 and included previously unseen copies of
'Health and Efficiency'—a disgusting periodical devoted
to the worship of airbrushed genitalia.

An 8 x 10 ‘glossy’ of an unidentified website editor with
a receding hairline wearing nothing but a leather posing pouch and gold
handcuffs, stuck between 'Miss Anal August' and 'Ms Dildo December'
in the 1999 'Sapphic Sluts' calendar.

A stack of sexually explicit letters concealed in a grubby sock from
two seventeen-year-old students who went by the pseudonyms of ‘Ms
Behaviour’ and ‘Ms Stains.’

At the time of their discovery, all the items were coated with a thick,
sticky residue which is being analysed by a crack team of forensics
officers wearing very thick gloves. Dr Greazy insists that the entire
episode was just 'a giggle' and that he intended no harm by baring his
balls. But that is no comfort to the thousands of hysterical women—some
as young as sixty-eight—who have downloaded photographs of his testicles
from the Internet and nightly imperil their very souls in frenzied,
candlelit
masturbation rites designed to 'fill them with the seed' of what
shocked Church leaders have denounced as 'Hell's Balls.'

Police investigators have assured Utterpants
that there is a dark and sinister side to the amiable Professor aptly
nicknamed ‘Doc Greaze' by his adoring students. When officers
searched his seedy bedsit in Reading, they found pagan effigies resembling
swollen gonads. Several boxes of phallic-shaped candles were also found,
wrapped in papyrus inscribed with satanic prayers extolling the health-giving
virtues of 'Doctor Greazy's Holy Balls'. All of these suspicious materials
have been removed as further evidence that far from being the inoffensive
academic he claims, Matthew Greazy is in fact the ringleader of a devilish
pagan cult worshipping his testicles. The Right Reverend Richard 'Dicky'
Legge was quick to condemn Greazy as a 'satanic sex pervert' damned
for all eternity for worshipping false idols. "Many accuse the
Church of being too liberal these days," he told us. "Ordaining
women, welcoming
homosexuals and turning a blind eye to the verger buggering
rosy-cheeked choir boys during Complain. The Church may even talk absolute
bollocks but we draw the line at worshipping them!"

Inspector Harry 'Snapper' Organs of the Berkshire Constabulary told
us that this bizarre cult isn't confined to web sites worshipping obscene
pictures of the professor's hairy balls. "We have uncovered a flourishing
on-line trade in so-called 'holy balls," the appalled officer confided
to us. "Dissolute young women are openly selling silicone replicas
of Dr Greazy's genitalia on Ebay for obscene amounts of money!"
When we questioned how these women were able to manufacture such items
Inspector Organs showed us a plaster cast which officers had found hidden
in a cavity cleverly cut into an autographed copy of 'Thongs
of Praise'—one of dozens of pornographic books owned by the
ageing panty-fetishist.

"Furthermore," explained the Inspector, holding the offensive
cast at arm's length, "my officers found traces of plaster-of-Paris
on a pair of the professor's underpants which sniffer dogs traced to
the home of a 'collector' who confessed she had paid over a thousand
pounds for them!"
Dr Greazy vehemently denies any part in this shocking trade, claiming
that the large sums of money recently deposited into his savings account
were a legacy from his recently deceased aunt. "As if I'd wear
grey Y-fronts," snapped Greazy. "Anyway, the underpants this
sick woman bought bear no resemblance to mine—they are covered
in filthy stains and skid marks!"

Utterpants
spoke to one young women who asked that we call her 'Andrea', who described
in chilling detail how some girls have barely escaped from the 'Hells
Balls' cult by the skin of their teeth—or in her case, her engorged
labia: "At first I just laughed when a mate gave me a framed photo
of Doc Greazy's balls—I mean, who wouldn't? But as soon as the
candles were lit and we'd, like, y'know done some spliff, I began to
sense a presence; it was dead scary. The next thing I knew I was flat
on my back with my knickers around my ankles and these ghostly balls
were bouncing away between my legs! When I glanced over my shoulder,
Becky and Kayleigh each had a candle up their bums and were praying
to the phantom balls!" My mum, like, totally freaked when she walked
in to find us all worshipping a picture of some guy's hairy bollocks."

The two female detectives who strip-searched Greazy after his arrest
told Utterpants
that a pair of ceremonial ball clamps usually employed in satanic
sex rituals were found in his possession. Further frisking also
revealed a very
small willy that despite nearly doubling in size when examined,
still slipped out of one officer's hands when she attempted to inspect
it for candle wax.
Greazy plans to use society’s demonisation of male genitalia as
his defence, ironically the same contention that landed him in his present
predicament. He is set to appear before Judge Jock Strappe at Reading
Crown Court next month and is expected to get a long stretch, which
is more than can be said for his willy, which his Gay cellmate told
us remains disappointingly
undersized.