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Friday, December 12, 2014

You hear it all the time. "Don't piss on my head and tell me it's raining". A colorful way of saying, "Hey, don't bullshit me. I'm not an idiot". Which is also a colorful phrase. Because apparently all of the good words are "colored". Certainly sounds racist to me, but that's a battle I'll have to fight on another occasion...

Yeah, so you hear that all the time. Yet, as recent behavior would heavily suggest, those who have actually risen to the top of the business ranks in professional sports have gotten there by whizzing their respective ways right along the yellow highway of prosperity. Namely, the Red Sox front office, and our main man Roger Goodell, up there. They operate under the assumption that none of us are smart enough, or care enough to actually call them on their urination. And they're right to think that, because when it comes to sports entertainment, we all more or less have the attention span of a ferret on crystal Meth. But that doesn't mean they still aren't dick bags for doing it, and shouldn't be called out as such. Which is what I'm doing here...

You really tried to sign Jon Lester? Bullshit. And now you're undoubtedly going to try and sell me that this was your plan all along? Bullshit. You really did your best to get to the bottom of the Ray Rice situation? Bullshit. You all did just enough to make it look like you were trying your best, while in actuality you were just whizzing down all of our collective legs, and raking in as much money as possible. And you can tell that, not just by the warm sensation running down your limbs, but by the way both parties are now rolling out their respective "See, wha-ha-happened was..."

So, yeah. You're not foolin' me, you rat bastards. I mean, you still own my soul, because I'm more or less addicTed to your product. But, being an American consumer, that doesn't deter me at all. You know, because we're used to shoveling shit into our mouths without questioning how it got there? Yeah, so you're LUCKY rat bastards, is what you are. And you can consider yourselves having been put on notice. Which really just means that I'm jealous that the respective parties have been able to become rich and powerful despite their perceived idiocy, and their penchant for untruths. But still, notice is notice. Even if you've already wisely come to the conclusion that nobody can, or ever will, beat the Whiz...

Yeah, so there's that. Freaking rat bastards. They don't want to be honest with us, and we can't be bothered enough to force them to change. And now, there are picks! Which I've made in an attempt to diminish my own rat bastard-ness. That, and I want to become rich so I can whizz down people's legs. I WANNA BE THE GREG MADDUX OF THIS!!!...

Enjoy...

Week 15 Picks

New England Patriots (-7.5) vs Miami Dolphins

Well start with the Pats, because that's what we do. And per usual, I like them to roll the opposition. Mostly because they've been one of the best teams in the league over the past few months. But mostly because this a revenge game/hat & t-shirt game. And we all know how Bill Belichick and Tom Brady treat teams that have already beaten them once in any given season (33-20 in week 1). Especially when a division title is on the line. At least it feels like they always punish those Teds. And I expect them to continue that trend that I may or may not have totally made up here...

Cleveland Browns (-1) vs Cincinnati Bengals + OVER 44

FOX knows what's up, switching their main broadcast from Green Bay V Buffalo to cover the debut of one John Football. And I expect that move to pay dividends, as the artist formerly known as Manziel should find the Bengal secondary a welcoming place as he scrambles and chucks his way to what will UNDOUBTEDLY BE A WIN FOR THE AGES! Or just a regular win, featuring some white punk continuously rubbing his fingers together. Probably just a nervous twitch. Either that or he has Tourettes...and possibly the palsy...

Seattle Seahawks (-10) vs San Francisco 49ers

Petey the Robber Baron is back at it, yet again. And his Seahawks are again looking every bit the team that took down last year's title. Then you have the 49ers, who look like dog leavings. And are primed for a good 'ole fashioned imploding before the eventual exploding that will inevitably be their offseason...

San Diego Chargers (+4.5) vs Denver Broncos

Buffalo Bills (+5) vs Green Bay Packers + OVER 50.5

Oakland Raiders (+10) @ Kansas City Chiefs

Next, I've got an underdog 3-pack. Which is way better than the holiday "5 pack". Freakin' cheap bastards. But I do like all of these teams getting spotTed points. San Diego is in must win, against a division rival. Good spot. Buffalo is at home against a team that can't defend, and also in a must win (SAmmy Watkins should make for a good daily fantasy play. See: Julio Jones). Good spot. And the Raiders already beat the Chiefs, yet are being given 10. Which has to be a good spot, right? RIGHT! Though I may have different feelings when I look up at 1:10 to see Jamaal Charles breaking free for some sort of 80-yard score...

Dallas Cowboys (+3.5) @ Philadelphia Eagles

And finishing up the Sunday ticket, I'll take the Cowboys. Even though I've waxed poetic in the past about how the Eagle defense only shows up in prime time. Truth is, Romo and the Cowboys are great on the road. And suddenly finding themselves in what's more or less a must win game should only help fuel that fire. Or encourage them to whiz their season away. Most likely via their legs...

And here's my take on the rest of the slate. And yes, that's how good I think Julio Jones is...

And finally, we have the Dumpster Fire Bowl. Which, if you've seen both of these teams play this season, should be self explanatory. And besides, Rob Ryan looks like the type of guy that would be great to have at an actual dumpster fire...

Ted: "Whoa, that dumpster is on fire!"

(Rob Ryan emerges from nightspot and walks to car. Opens trunk, removes two lawn chairs and two tall boys)

(sound of said tall boy being cracked)

Rob Ryan: "I love the smell of refuse in the morning."

(snorts, spits, smiles, hands Ted said other tall boy)

Yeah, that sounds like a fantastic time...

Last Week: 7-8-1

Overall: 114-119-2

NCAA Top 25 Picks

Now, as for NCAA picks. The season is over. I manage to eek out some profit, though. So there's that. And I'll be back to big the big bowl games. So there's that, too! Oh, and 2014 was named the "Year of the Butt". So there's Notre Dame WR Justin Brent with porn star Lisa Ann, and ass model "Elke The Stallion". Yeah, seriously. Oh, and you can take my word on the fact that Lisa Ann has a great ass, too. At least that's what it said in the article I read about her in the Wall St. Journal...? Yeah, that sounds credible...

Last Week: 4-4-0

Overall: 75-60-3 (.554)

And that's it for me, friends. Good luck at your attempts to beat your respective whizzes, and I'll catch you next time...