72-Virgins Claim “Doesn’t Add Up” According to Jihadist Math Whiz-Kid

PESHAWAR, PAKISTAN – A math competition in the Pakistani border town of Peshawar may have just saved one young jihadist’s life earlier this week after the bespectacled, brace-wearing boy discovered something amiss about the Muslim “72 Virgin” myth.

According to the Qu’ran, every devout Muslim man arriving in paradise is to receive 72 young and beautiful women with “appetizing vaginas” and “breasts which are inclined not to hang”.

After finishing his mathematics exam, the ironically-named Abu al-Gebra went to sit outside under a tree: “I was just sitting there when a pinned-grenade fell down and hit me on the head. Then I had an epiphany.”

The math wizard continued to share his hypothesis with The Lapine:

“So I figure if there are 3.591 billion men on earth, then there would need to be about 258.5 billion women for the 72-virgins thing to work out.

Conversely, if there are about 3.5 billion women in the world, then we would need to have less than 50 million men.

Given that a Muslim believes that one human can have only one soul and also that only devout souls may go to Jannah [Paradise], it would seem to me that 72 women virgins for every man just doesn’t add up.

Eventually, I started to think that some of those ‘appetizing vaginas’ might not be vaginas after all…”

In light of this revelation, the reformed al-Gebra has sworn off his militant Islamist past and promises to live – and to allow others to live – a long and prosperous life.

His piece of advice to other would-be terrorists?

“Do the math, man. I don’t know what you’ll end up with up there, but it ain’t gonna be 72 vaginas!”

The Lapine honours all the political satirists, police, and citizens who lost their lives yesterday in Paris.

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The Lapine is Canada's Best Satirical Online Newspaper. It satirizes politics, life, media and the human condition, with a special focus on Canada.
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