2015 NEWEST stand-up comedy: Fresh New Jokes and One-liner Jokes!

06Jan12

“I’d like to call my kid Ladies and Gentlemen: “This is my son, Ladies and Gentlemen.” Then, when he gets out of hand, I get to go, “Ladies and Gentlemen, please!”” – Louis CK

“I was licking jelly off my boyfriend’s penis, then all of a sudden I started thinking, “oh, my God, I’m turning into my mother…”
“I’ve got a baby niece and I can make her laugh so easy. You know what babies love? Ethnic jokes.”
“I guarantee, if you take a shower with your boyfriend, by the time you step out, your breasts will be sparkling clean.” – 3 jokes by Sarah Silverman

“Thank you all very much for not filming this on your cell phone. That has become the new scourge of stand-up = people sitting there thinking, “Well, I want to enjoy this…But now is not good for me. Later would be better. Later and smaller would be better for my schedule.” – John Oliver

“You all know Unlce Sam? He’s that goat-faced dude who dresses up like Apollo Creed. And he’s always pointing at you – he wants you…Is that really the imagery we should be listening to? An uncle who looks like he’s about to touch you? A touch uncle? Uncle Sam wants you…to keep a secret…” – Glenn Wool
“How do insurance companies know what is and isn’t an act of God? Do they have a hotline to God? Do they call him up?God: Hello, God speaking, what do you want?Gervais: Um, that volcanic ash cloud – was that you?God: Yep. Yes that was an act of me alright.Gervais: So we shouldn’t pay out?God: No, don’t f*king pay them a penny, son.Gervais: Brilliant. While I’ve got you here, did you make a tree fall on Steve Baxter’s car?God: There’s a lot of Steve Baxters…Gervais: Steve Baxter, 2 acacia Rd, Houndslow. It happened at 2.15pm on the 3rd of June this year.God: 2.15? Third of June? No, that wasn’t me. I was in Africa that day giving AIDS to babies.” – Ricky Gervais

“I was in a band which we called The Prevention, because we hoped people would say we were better than The Cure. “- Alan Sharp

“Why do people feel safe under blankets? It’s not like a murderer will come come in thinking “I’M GOING TO KILL…Ah darn, he’s under a blanket!” – Tweet by Peter Griffin