Saturday, 25 July 2015

I did what I do best at midnight. I wrote. I hate my weaknesses creeping up on me like the stealth of this night and the precious precious time they're stealing from me. I detest everything you represent; the ultimate test ,which I feel like I'm going to fail.
There's your dark smouldering eyes and the valley of possibilities between us.
There's my hesitancy and my desire burning into an inseparable collision, locked in eye contact with you.
And there's an ocean in the middle ,of everything that could be that I'm terrified will happen, and still anticipating.

It's midnight and I've been breaking my promises to myself again
It's midnight and I've lost all hope in redemption before the first rays of mercy hit the western horizon to erase my desperation
Heedlessness is choking the humiliation the sane soul in me is supposed to be feeling and I'm still here , breathing. Not crying. But ripping inwardly into a thousand insignificant fragments . Still wishing I was who I used to be .

And sometimes when you leave someone, you leave a part of who you were with them. And sometimes you don't have a choice anymore because you abused the number of times you were given one. And when you leave you feel like you're taking a million pieces of a million hearts whose paths you've crossed and when none of them are any the wiser you wonder why you feel your missing parts so acutely. Perhaps it will fade to a vague seemingly displaced hurt in places I can't reach, only time will tell the seconds I've counted that I wasn't chafed with regret and burnt black with sorrow.
Today was the first time I wept when I was leaving a city and for the life in me, I couldn't explain why. Perhaps it was the people I was going to and their pain which is so real, it diminishes mine to almost nothingness, and perhaps it was the people I was leaving , we had never been together like this in at least seven years and sooner or later your blood will connect you when words cannot fill the gaps and you understand each other because you sigh together and you smile together too. And overrated words like I miss you too will never be substantial enough to describe the intensity of what I feel so I bridge our communication gaps with shiny eyed smiles that i can barely hold on to like the fragile grip I have on my emotions when we embrace. I will ache for you and this time we had together .

You burn like an insatiable fire across the forest of my existence , consuming and hungry , leaving nothing in your crazed desire to shred me into the destruction you want to make of my fragile bones and the heart that only ever had space for you . There's ash underneath my fingernails and their protests have made your back red and angry. You're out of control in the way a speeding train is ,you're destined for disintegration in the worst kinds of ways and you're deaf to me when I speak and you accelerate. You've left marks on this body and scars in memory I can never undo and you've ripped my heart up enough to never be erased.
You've insistently consumed my being since day one .
You're deluded that I've forgotten you , if you only knew how difficult you've made yourself to forget.
I love her so much I break on the inside a little bit everyday .
I want her to find god so badly my hands shake when I pray for her.
I want her to find god so badly tears are ripped from my throat with the unyielding force of a heart too small to hold everything I feel for her.
"I love without thinking about death " someone told me once , and I didn't understand till her.
My fingertips smell like you . My brain is a confusing altering state but it never breathes without you, you've infiltrated every niche of my mind.
Everything I've written for three years has been about you.
I love her enough to find her, but she doesn't want to be found. In this junction of space and time I've learnt to not call her mine. In this paradoxical existence we dance around the truth we fought so hard to counter. But have you ever tried to rescue souls that were committed to drowning ?
It is hard.
It was hard.
Nobody ever said it's easy to get out alive. I wish you'd stay for Him. And I wish you'd stay for me. I wish you'd text me somedays and somedays I wish you could see how I've been burnt by you . Chafed and cut up and god how badly I want to save you from yourself it makes every wound reopen and bleed from the same scars you cut open in me and I'm bullet ridden bending backwards and you're unrelenting.
You think you know who you are but you're not the person you are capable of being .
Your sins don't make you. Your weaknesses don't define you. You are so much more than your mistakes.
I wish I could make you tear these pages and rewrite the story that was always meant to be yours , which you haven't lived. I wish I could make you reclaim everything that was yours back, and fight the demons within your veins . I wish I could bring you victory against your weaknesses.
You will always be perfect to me.
I wish I could take this bleeding hurt away from you and obliviate it.
I ache for the peace that comes with innocence and I want you to have it so much it cuts me up.
I wish I could save you from your own self destruction.
I wish for so much it hurts to think about it.
Please don't get lost.
It hurt enough to lose you once.

She said I broke her heart. I'm sorry I ruined her. I didn't mean to leave scars, I was trying to fix her and she slipped like glass from my hands.
I think I got cut , too.
I never thought it would still matter three years down the road.
I never thought she wouldn't be okay .
What if I told you everything I've written for three years has been about you?
I was fixing my heart until January and still reading your name between every line. You're the full stop to every untold story , the reason I can't walk into self ruination anymore. Because you left scars where you taught me lessons and I learnt that pain too, could be a memory.
I can still smell the way your mouth tasted and your fingers felt against my soul.
You've ripped me apart and I've clumsily put myself together with hands unused to picking up pieces of myself . All it takes you is the pull of a thread to undo me and I'm not bulletproof anymore.