Q: My teenage son has an after-school job which helps him pay for his car expenses and other activities. His grades are beginning to suffer but I can’t afford to pay for those things myself right now. I feel that his school work should come first but I don’t know what I should do to help him.

A: First of all, make sure it’s the job that’s causing his grades to suffer, says the Help for Families panel.

Meet with his teachers and talk to them about his grades to gain insight on what exactly is happening, says panelist Mary Lou Scarf.

“Are you noticing other changes?” asks panelist Michael Daniels.

Changes in friends, sleep patterns and even hairstyle may indicate the problem is not his job but in another area of his life, the panel says.

Think of you and your son as a team, Daniels suggests. Get him involved in the discussion by telling him you’re aware of a change and asking him what he thinks might be causing it.

“Bring it up in an open nurturing conversation,” Daniels says. “Have the conversation about change, not about grades and ask him his opinion. If his work validates him, then it is important. Use “I” statements. Say ‘I’m worried’ and “What can I do to help you?” Make sure your expectations are not too high.””

It may be time management issues, says Scarf. Often it is difficult for teens to budget for car care and activities. Many teens struggle with prioritizing their time.

Be positive, Scarf says.

“Ask him ‘How can I help you keep your job and maintain good grades?’” she says.

Lightening his schedule by having him quit his job may not be the quick fix it may seem, adds panelist Denise Continenza.

“Start with something concrete,” says panelist Suzanne Mulhern. “Work out a budget and have him list priorities. Ask what he enjoys the most. Build trust and then start looking for other things.”

Get a calendar or datebook to help your son to budget his time, Continenza says. He will be learning a life skill.

Find out if his job is asking for more from him, the panel says. Sometimes employers take advantage of young workers who are uncomfortable saying no, or are afraid of being fired.

“Have boundaries been violated?” asks Mulhern. “This may be an opportunity for your son to stand up to authority. It is important that he respects authority, but does authority respect him?”

Use “I” statements, Daniels says.

Leave the conversation open-ended, Mulhern says.

“He may be afraid to say no and is worried about what you will think if he quits,” she says.

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