Funk You: Insights into the Mind of a Douchebag

More funks than you can funking handle. Mother funker.

Tuesday, 1 June 2010

Hey RBR, remember a month or so ago when I wagered that I couldn't cry? I bet a tenner on it, made an entire post about it as well. Well, it looks like I owe you that tenner. Or maybe I don't, who the fuck even read that post? Who the fuck am I kidding? I have no fucking readers. I guess I'll just finish this post for the benfit of my sanity. What fucki- scooobly da do bopbop wheeee!

So, I just watched Serenity - the movie ending to the TV series Firefly. What? You've never heard of it? Wikipedia that motherfucker. ... Okay, you did? It sounds awesome doesn't it? Now go fucking watch it. I can wait.

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

Sp - Sp - Spoilers

Right, so I just watched Serenity. It seems the film added a new rule that the show lacked. Anyone can die. Goddamn, did they add that rule. This is where the crying comes in. They killed two fucking awesome characters. Shepard Book, and Wash. These were both well characterised, realistic characters. These were people you could meet on the street, in real life. They both had little quirks and flaws, which helped make them so awesome. Wash was like a big kid, playing with dinosaurs in between jobs, cracking jokes to lighten the mood. He was also badass when needed, and generally fucking awesome.

Book was a badass preacher, who councilled the crew in times of need, provided a voice of reason for everyone and knew a shitload of shady stuff. While he wasn't one of my favourite characters, he was still a good character. Hell all the characters in that show were awesome. Seriously, if you're reading this and you haven't watched Firefly/Serenity then fucking watch it. It had the best characters, storylines, the best fucking everything.

A shout goes out to River, the badass psychic mentally unstable teenager. She seemingly sacrificed herself to rescue everyone else, and I choked up like a bitch. They couldn't have killed my favourite character could they? Well, no they didn't. She showed up againt a few minutes later, surrounded by the corpses of the bad guys. Fucking Badass.

So yeah, if you actually read that post where I made that bet then tell me and I'll give you a tenner. It's money well lost I guess. It means I'm less of a robot and more of a human.

Sunday, 16 May 2010

Lady and Gentleman, it seems I have scared penis off. That last blog post must have upset him, as now Brain has returned. With a vengeance. Guess who he brought with him? That's right, REDACTED.

At least Brain brought her back with a reason though. Guess what guys? Brain has deduced that she doesn't hate me. Isn't that cool? Huh, isn't it? Haha, you said it. Nobody cares bro. Brain, you can drop her. Just because you think she doesn't hate me, doesn't mean I care. You can stop making me think about her, you can stop looking for her name on FB chat and you can focus on something more important. If you keep thinking about her, I'll keep writing about her and people will put the pieces together and be like 'OH ZOMG YOU LIEK REDACTED LOLOLOLOLOLOL'. Or they'll be like 'OH ZOMG WHY YOU HATE HER SHE AWESOME LOLOLOL'. Either way, I'd be in for a wave of annoyance. Kidneys life is depending on you shutting the fuck up Brain.

Maybe I'm underestimating you RBR, maybe you already know who REDACTED is. Maybe you sitting there, reading this and laughing. 'Hah' you say. 'That miserable loser thinks he's being secretive when I know who he is on about. Hah. Hahah.'. If that were indeed the case, then I guess I would be a sad miserable loser. Blogging about some anonymous girl, who isn't that anonymous. RBR, can you stop being so smart? You're making me sad < / 3

Wednesday, 12 May 2010

Title says it all folks, my mind has gone on vacation and my Penis has taken up residence. This kind of blows. I mean, sure, Brain was a twat. He almost got kidney killed, almost made me think I liked a girl I didn't and was generally a fuckwit. He was still cooler than Penis, which isn't hard.

Seriously bro, why do you have to invade my mind? Just because Brain has buggered off, doesn't mean you can waltz in and go 'Herp derp, Any girls there? No, I dont care then'. I get it though, you haven't got any in ... well ever I guess. That does suck, and I feel for you bro but you don't need to make scoring my main ambition. I mean, what was the first thing you did when you checked the guest list for that party in a couple of weeks? C'mon fess up. Fine, I'll tell them. You checked how many girls were going. You tosser.

I want Brain back, I don't care if i end up obsessing over REDACTED again. It's better than going 'DERP VAGINA' everytime there's even the slightest chance. Penis, go fuck yourself. Brain was a better mind. You're just a tosser.

Saturday, 1 May 2010

You are not as important as you think you areYou are not as cool as you think you areYou are not as handsome as you think you areYou are not liked as much as you think you areYou are not hated as much as you think you are

Monday, 8 March 2010

Now those two words up there are unknown to me. I know you guys know them. Them are fancy words that you nice folk'll run into a whole lot. What with your fancy pants feelings and whatnot. Now me, I dun know what they ---

Alright, fuck the texan accent. Let's be serious here. I'm incapable of Empathy. Absolutely incapable. If you told me you mother had died, you were forced to live on the street and sell your body on the street for pocket change, my reply would be 'meh'. I just don't know how to. Whether it's poor social skills or just plain old douchebaggery, I just don't know how you feel. I think I'm past learning too. Can you even learn Empathy? I can see it now. A newspaper ad reads 'Are you a Dickhead? Take our Empathy course so we can teach you how others feel. Empa Co. , turning dicks into Pussies'.

Even though I just insulted pretty much everyone who cares for another human being, I would take that course. I would take that course all night, get it pregnant and then raise its children(Course Jr. and Coursina). I fucking hate not being able to empathise. It makes me feel like a dickhead (Yeah yeah, stop fucking laughing). I'd give my cat to be able to care about something or someone that is real.

New Objective: Care about someone(Optional): Cry.

These are my objectives for the next few whenevers. I bet a tenner that it won't happen. You in?

Saturday, 13 February 2010

You know what Blog Reader, I think it's time for a good old BAW post. I don't think I've done a proper one of these yet. I've definately done a FUU- post. You all loved that one, it seems. You'll probably hate this post, like the last. Not enough swearing, and everyone know's that there's nothing more hilarious than a cluster F-bomb. Anyway, onto the BAW:

Something must be wrong with me. I am really enjoying college now. The previously unliked people in my class have grown to become actually pretty decent people. There company is pretty damn good. What the hell is wrong with me?

Riddle me this Blog Reader, what if there's nothing wrong with me? Wierd isn't it, how can I enjoy the company of jocks and morons? I'm gonna go and say I must have adapted. Adapt or die, it's in our genes. My subconcious must have decided that I must get along with these guys to save me going on some sort of school shooting. As much as it seems like a would enjoy that, I assure you I wouldn't.

Adaption sucks though, as it's had an annoying second effect. I'm wanting to go and meet new people and shit. I want to socialise. I want to go out with a few mates, hit on some girls then stumble home, not remembering what happened an hour before. This isn't me. I sit at home, swear a lot on hate people. I'm the least suitable person to go out, hit on girls and get drunk. I'm more suitable for getting drunk, starting a fight and waking up in Norfolk missing a kidney.

Kinda wish I would stop wanting to go and be normal, getting drunk and hitting on girls. It isn't me. Can I has rage back?

Sunday, 7 February 2010

Few things before I get started. First of all, I updated the layout (as you can probably tell). Now it looks less like it was shit out of whale and more like it actually had some effort put into it. Second, I want you to drop me a message on your preffered medium of communication(Messenger Pigeon, Smoke signals, whatever you crazy bastards like) if you read (and enjoy) this blog. Moar readers = better content. Anyway, on to the ranting:

You know what? I'm in a good mood. No, that isn't sarcasm. No, I'm not being ironic. Since I started Fuuu-ing at this blog I've been less of a rage-tastic dickbag. Only barely less, but less nontheless(HURR HURR). So as a result, this post is gonna be lacking in comedy value. And yes, I can hear you leaving. It's alright, go. I'll just talk to myself. Which I pretty much have been doing anyway, ba dum tish.

I think my brain did get the message, Redacted has been out of my mind recently. I haven't had a dream about her, she hasn't crossed my mind significantly. S'been pretty good. I'm not holding my breath though, I'm expecting a nut shot pretty damn soon. That grey bastard does hate me. Anyway, that leaves me with little else to talk about. As much as I hate her, Redacted provides some pretty good ranting material. Hey, Bitches are easy to complain about. Funny as well. If she were a nice chick and I did indeed like her it would be nowhere near as entertaining and five times more depressing.

As shit as this post has been, I think this will have to be it. I have nothing to talk about. At all. I'll be back to bitching and moaning about benign little things come Monday or Tuesday. I can guarrantee Redacted and Brain will conspire to piss me off by then. Later.