A fellow is getting ready to tee-off on the first hole when a second fellow approachesand asks if he can join him. The first says that he usually plays alone but agrees to letthe second guy join him.

Both are even after the first couple of holes. The second guy says, "Say, we're aboutevenly matched, how about we play for five bucks a hole?"

The first fellow says that he usually plays alone and doesn't like to bet but agrees tothe terms. Well, the second guy wins the rest of the holes and as they're walking offof the eighteenth hole, and while counting his $80.00, he confesses that he's the proat a neighboring course and likes to pick on suckers.

The first fellow reveals that he's the Parish Priest at the local Catholic Church to whichthe second fellow gets all flustered and apologetic and offers to give the Priest back hismoney. The Priest says, "No, no. You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you.You keep your winnings."

The pro says, "Well, is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

The Priest says, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. Then, if youbring your mother and father by after Mass, I'll marry them for you."

1. King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan.

Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it." "But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the king!"

Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."

2. Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss league records were destroyed in a fire, ...and so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

3. A man rushed into a busy doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

4. A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day, his supply of the birds ran out so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with-- transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

5. Back in the 1800's the Tate's Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products, and since they already made the cases for watches, they used them to produce compasses. The new compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression -- "He who has a Tate's is lost!"

6. A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets and urinals, leaving no clues. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."

7. An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."

8. A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."

9. There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This just goes to prove that... the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides. (Some of you may need help with this one).

10. A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don't need enemas."

Palin was excited about her new rifle and decided to try bear hunting. She travels to a remote part of Alaska, spots a small brown bear and shoots it. Right afterwards, there was a tap on her shoulder and she turned around to see a big black bear.

The black bear said, "That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin and I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex." After considering briefly, Palin decided to accept the latter alternative.

So the black bear has his way with Palin. Even though she felt sore for two weeks, Palin soon recovered and vowed revenge. She headed out on another trip back to remote Alaska where she found the black bear and shot it dead. Right afterwards, there was another tap on her shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to her.

The grizzly said, "That was a big mistake, Palin. That was my cousin and you've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex."

Again, Palin thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death.. So the grizzly has his way with Palin.

Although she survived, it took several months before Palin fully recovered. Now Palin is completely outraged, so she headed back to remote Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shoot it. She felt sweet revenge, but then moments later, there was a tap on her shoulder. She turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear looked at her and said, "Admit it Sarah, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"

The Traditional Marriage...

Over a summer of research, I learned a lot of surprising facts about the history of marriage and weddings, but by far the most shocking discovery of all was that the tradition of marriage-as-we-know-it simply did not exist in those days. Almost everything we have come to associate with marriage and weddings -- the white dress, the holy vows, the fancy cake and the birdseed -- dates back a mere 50 or 100 years at the most. In many cases less.

It turns out that marriage, in days of old, was a barbaric custom which was little more than a crude exchange of livestock at its most civilized, and a little less than ritualized abduction at its worst. That's why you'll find no reference to white weddings in the Bible, or the union of one man and one woman. Because up until fairly recently, there was nothing religious about it.

he decline of America's middle class can be charted directly. In the three decades after World War II, the median wage (smack in the middle) grew rapidly, right along with productivity gains. Even as late as 1980, the richest 1 percent of Americans received only about 9 percent of the nation's total income.

But starting in the 1980s - and increasingly since then - the economy has made the rich far richer without doing squat for the vast middle. The median hourly wage has barely grown, if you take inflation into account. Indeed, it dropped in the last so-called "recovery" between 2001 and 2007. And health-care and pension benefits have declined; we've gone from defined-benefit pensions to do-it-yourself pensions, while health insurance premiums, deductibles, and co-payments have skyrocketed.

Meanwhile, the rich have been getting a larger and larger portion of total income. From 9 percent in 1980, the top 1 percent's take has increased to 23.5 percent in 2007. CEOs who in the 1970s took home 40 times the compensation of average workers now rake in 350 times. Financiers who forty years ago made only modest fortunes today, even after the Great Recession they helped bring on, routinely earn seven and eight-figures. In 2009, when most of the nation's middle class was deep in recession, the 25 best-paid hedge-fund managers took in an average of $1 billion each. (Their marginal income tax, by the way, was barely over 17 percent, while the typical family paid a marginal tax far higher.)

finally saw your picture. Great one! Haven't ahd my home laptop. Started spammin' everyone. took it in. they cleaned it up, but it must ahve been in the mail on AOL, becasue it kept working. Changed my password and cleaned up. Hope that is it, otherwise will have to drop that email addy.

A Kentucky girl sent an email to Ask Abby. "I am 12 years old and haven't had sex yet; do you think my brother is queer?"

Rethinking Einstein: The end of space-time

Since Horava published his work in January 2009, it has received an astonishing amount of attention. Already, more than 250 papers have been written about it. Some researchers have started using it to explain away the twin cosmological mysteries of dark matter and dark energy. Others are finding that black holes might not behave as we thought. If Horava's idea is right, it could forever change our conception of space and time and lead us to a "theory of everything", applicable to all matter and the forces that act on it.

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.

History does not repeat itself, but it rhymes.

If you don't read the newspaper, you are uninformed; if you do read the newspaper, you are misinformed.

Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on, or by imbeciles who really mean it.

"I do not fear death. I had been dead for billions and billions of years before I was born, and had not suffered the slightest inconvenience from it."

Of all the animals, man is the only one that is cruel. He is the only one that inflicts pain for the pleasure of doing it.

There ain't no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them.

All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.

Whiskey is for drinking. Water is for fighting over.A Century Later, Los Angeles Atones for ...

Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it.

Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great.

Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time to reform.

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

Every generalization is false, including this one.

Kindness is a language which the deaf can hear, and the blind can read.

In religion and politics, people's beliefs and convictions are in almost every case gotten at second-hand, and without examination.

Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please.

A classic is something that everybody praises and nobody has read.

It is better to deserve honors and not have them than to have them and not to deserve them.

America is built on a tilt and everything loose slides to California.

You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.

Always acknowledge a fault. This will throw those in authority off their guard and give you an opportunity to commit more.

Truth is more often stranger than fiction.

A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval.

Golf is a good walk spoiled.

What gets us into trouble is not what we don't know. It's what we know for sure that just ain't so.

I have found solace in profanity unexcelled even by prayer.

I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying that I approved of it.

America is a nation without a distinct criminal class with the possible exception of Congress.

Tomorrow is the yesterday of two days from now.

In the beginning of a change, the patriot is a scarce man; brave, hated, and scorned. When his cause succeeds, however, the timid join him, for then it costs nothing to be a patriot.

Some men worship rank, some worship heroes, some worship power, some worship God, and over these ideals they dispute and cannot unite -- but they all worship money.

The test of any good fiction is that you should care something for the characters; the good to succeed, the bad to fail. The trouble with most fiction is that you want them all to land in hell, together, as quickly as possible.

The trouble ain't that there is too many fools, but that the lightning ain't distributed right.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

I can teach anybody how to get what they want out of life. The problem is I can't find anybody who can tell me what they want.

I haven't a particle of confidence in a man who has no redeeming petty vices.

Wagner's music is better than it sounds.

Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.

Education consists mainly in what we have unlearned.

The citizen who sees his society's democratic clothes being worn out and does not cry out is not a patriot but a traitor.

I take my only exercise acting as a pallbearer at the funerals of my friends who exercise regularly.

France is miserable because it is filled with Frenchmen, and Frenchmen are miserable because they live in France.

I don't give a damn for a man that can only spell a word one way.

Be respectful to your superiors, if you have any.

Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.

He is a stranger to me, but he is a most remarkable man -- and I am the other one. Between us, we cover all knowledge; he knows all that can be known, and I know the rest. On Kipling.

It does look as if Massachusetts were in a fair way to embarrass me with kindnesses this year. In the first place, a Massachusetts judge has just decided in open court that a Boston publisher may sell, not only his own property in a free and unfettered way, but also may as freely sell property which does not belong to him but to me; property which he has not bought and which I have not sold. Under this ruling I am now advertising that judge's homestead for sale, and, if I make as good a sum out of it as I expect, I shall go on and sell out the rest of his property.

Substitute "damn" every time you're inclined to write "very"; your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be. Substitute "damn" every time you're inclined to write "very"; your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

It was wonderful to find America, but it would have been more wonderful to miss it.

Cauliflower is nothing but Cabbage with a College Education.

There is something worse than ignorance, and that's knowing what ain't so.

If you don't like the weather in New England, just wait a few minutes.

If you would have your fiction live forever, you must neither overtly preach nor overtly teach; but you must *covertly* preach and *covertly* teach.

Substitute "damn" every time you're inclined to write "very"; your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco. California

Land of religions, cradle of human race, birthplace of human speech, grandmother of legend, great grandmother of tradition. The land that all men desire to see and having seen once even by a glimpse, would not give that glimpse for the shows of the rest of the globe combined. On India.

There is something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesale returns of conjectureout of such a trifling investment of fact. Estimate of the total annual deposition of silt by the Mississsippi R.

The reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated.

Quitting smoking is easy, I've done it thousands of times

They did not know it was impossible, so they did it!

Patriotism is supporting your country all the time, and your government when it deserves it.

I've never killed a man, but I've read many an obituary with a great deal of satisfaction.

Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.

When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.

The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who can't read them.

Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.

The loud little handful will shout for war. The pulpit will warily and cautiously protest at firstÖThe great mass of the nation will rub its sleepy eyes, and will try to make out why there should be a war, and they will say earnestly and indignantly: "It is unjust and dishonorable and there is no need for war." Then the few will shout even louderÖBefore long you will see a curious thing: anti-war speakers will be stoned from the platform, and free speech will be strangled by hordes of furious men who still agree with the speakers but dare not admit it ... Next, statesmen will invent cheap lies, putting blame upon the nation that is attacked, and every man will be glad of those conscience-soothing falsities, and will diligently study them, and refuse to examine any refutations of them; and thus he will by and by convince himself that the war is just, and will thank God for the better sleep he enjoys after this process of grotesque self-deception.

It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare.

Never let your schoolin' interfere with your education.

It ain't the parts of the Bible that I can't understand that bother me, it is the parts that I do understand.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

Let me introduce myself. This is a link to my home board. Look down the list and you'll see Totalapse1, #22. There are 70,000 names registered at the site, over a thousand posts a day, and I don'tr know how many lurkers.

A German tourist walks into a McDonald's in New York City and orders a beer. (In Germany and many parts of Europe, McDonald's actually does serve beer.) The local guy in the line behind him immediately gives him the jab: "They don't serve BEER here, you MORON!"

The German fellow felt pretty stupid, but suddenly turns to the New Yorker with a surprised look, and begins to chuckle.

"And what's so funny?!?" the New Yorker demands.

"Oh, nothing really, I just realized that you came here for the food."

"Yeah, it's not bad. I've been working on it for a while. Have a look at this..." - and he shows him a time zone display not just for every time zone in the world, but for the 200 largest cities.

He hits a few buttons and from somewhere on the watch a voice says, "The time is ten fourdy seven AM," in a New York accent. A few more buttons and the same voice says something in Japanese. Sid continues, "I've put in regional accents for each city." The display is unbelievably high quality and the voice is simply astounding.

The stranger is struck dumb with admiration. "That's not all," says Sid. He pushes a few more buttons and a tiny but very high-resolution map of central Birmingham appears on the display. "The flashing dot shows our location by GPS," explains Sid. "View recede ten," he adds, and the display changes to show the entire West Midlands.

"I want to buy this watch!" gasps the stranger.

"Oh, no, it's not ready for sale yet; I'm still working out the bugs," says Sid. "But look at this!" and he proceeds to demonstrate that the watch is also a very creditable little digital radio receiver, a sonar device that can measure distances up to 125 metres, a pager with thermal paper printout and, most impressive of all, an audio player capable of storing voice recordings of up to 300 standard-size books, "though I've only got 32 of my favourites in there so far," says Sid.

"I've got to have this watch!" insists the stranger.

"No, you don't understand; it's not ready-"

"I'll give you ¬£1,000 for it!"

"Oh, no, I've already spent more than-"

"I'll give you ¬£3,000 for it!"

"But it's just not-"

"I'll give you ¬£5,000 for it!" And the stranger pulls out a large wad of fifty-pound notes.

Sid stops to think. He's only put about ¬£3,500 into materials and development, and with ¬£5,000 he can make another one and have it ready for marketing in only six months. The stranger frantically finishes counting out the money and waves it in front of him. "Here it is, ready to hand to you right here and now. ¬£5,000. Take it or leave it."

Sid abruptly makes his decision. "OK," he says, and peels off the watch.

They make the exchange and the stranger starts happily away. "Hey, wait a minute!" calls Sid after the stranger, who turns around warily. Sid points to the two suitcases he's been trying to drag through the station. "Don't forget your batteries."

Sukouyant, re-read what AP just wrote. While the username Toto may bebanned, Toto is still being able to post just using the "totomoto" username. Hence, the continued post in here. The whole TPTB versus Toto story is false or you can view the current posts as a complete disregard for the TPTB. Read through the archives. You will read why myself and others felt that toto was and is acting like a troll.

I wouldn't be able to post if I didn't have an alternate email addy from work. They just didn't know about Totomo. I suppose they could have done a search, but that is work.

Wondering why you are banned is disregard for the TPTB. Let me ask you a question. Did you actually see all those posts that got wiped out as troll posts?

TPTB really blocked your home IP, Totomoto? Huh. That's interesting. I noticed when the "Toto" profile/all associated messages got wiped, but I also noticed that your original handle was reinstated at the same time, so I assumed they were just cleaning the slate. I was unaware it was a stealth banning of sorts. Cripes, just one more reason for people to not feel good about coming here.

Yep. It got banned. No, Totomoto is an old alternate from the days when everyone would get dropped out of the database. Some frisky ladies would log in as me and post all kind of junk all over the board. It was funny. I used this alternate until they gave me back my username. I ended up apologizing to people for things I never wrote - it was just a lot easier than explaining over and over and over and over and over again what happened.

Sukouyant, re-read what AP just wrote. While the username Toto may bebanned, Toto is still being able to post just using the "totomoto" username. Hence, the continued post in here. The whole TPTB versus Toto story is false or you can view the current posts as a complete disregard for the TPTB. Read through the archives. You will read why myself and others felt that toto was and is acting like a troll.

TPTB really blocked your home IP, Totomoto? Huh. That's interesting. I noticed when the "Toto" profile/all associated messages got wiped, but I also noticed that your original handle was reinstated at the same time, so I assumed they were just cleaning the slate. I was unaware it was a stealth banning of sorts. Cripes, just one more reason for people to not feel good about coming here.

--------------------

"You're cute, like a velvet glove cast in iron. And like a gas chamber, a real fun gal."

That's a bad scene. It's easy for things to get mis-interpreted and blown up rapidly online (on both sides). Internet socializing leaves a lot blanks to fill in - "that is its blessing....and its curse!"

I agree that is why I toned down, deescalated, and just stood my ground. But I think banning my IP is indicative that something is amiss. They can unban my IP if they want.

Part of rebuilding New Orleans caused residents often to be challenged with the task of tracing home titles back potentially hundreds of years. With a community rich with history stretching back over two centuries, houses have been passed along through generations of family, sometimes making it quite difficult to establish ownership. Here's a great letter an attorney wrote to the FHA on behalf of a client:

You have to love this lawyer........

A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the lawyer three months to track down. After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply.

(Actual reply from FHA):

"Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin."

Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows: (Actual response):

"Your letter regarding title in Case No.189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 206 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased by the United States from France in 1803 , the year of origin identified in our application.

For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S.ownership was obtained from France , which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain . The land came into the possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the Spanish monarch, Queen Isabella.

The good Queen Isabella, being a pious woman and almost as careful about titles as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to finance Columbus 's expedition. Now the Pope, as I'm sure you may know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that God also made that part of the world called Louisiana. God, therefore, would be the owner of origin and His origins date back to before the beginning of time, the world as we know it, and the FHA.

I hope you find God's original claim to be satisfactory. Now, may we have our damn loan?"