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How to support a child who loses a beloved pet

15 May 2019

The death of a pet is a very challenging event in a young child’s life and they need guidance from their teachers, parents or grandparents to help them make sense of this loss.

Routine. The loss of a pet is often a child’s first experience with death, and the circumstances of the death, whether it was from old age or a sudden accident, will affect the way a child grieves the loss. According to Abigail Marks, a clinical psychologist in San Francisco who specialises in childhood grief, when pets died in tragic and unexpected ways, the loss was harder for the child to accept. This is because the suddenness highlights the unpredictability of the world for the child and can make them feel insecure; suddenly nothing feels certain or safe. Maintaining a regular routine helps a child cope with increased anxiety.

Acceptance. A child’s age and developmental level affect how he or she understands death, and a child’s grief looks very different from an adult’s. Children do not always cry or immediately show emotion. But this does not mean they are not deeply affected by the loss. Parents often say to me, ‘he seems fine, he hasn’t cried at all’. I gently explain that this can signify that the child is holding in their sadness or, may not feel able to show their feelings.

Keep it real School-age children will often have questions about the animal’s death, and the back-and-forth that ensues may open up larger conversations about love, loss and what happens after we die. When telling a school-age child about a pet’s death, Dr. Marks recommends being honest about what happened. Doing so lets a child know that it is not taboo to talk about death or painful feelings, which can set the stage to process other sorts of loss in the future. Parents should also validate any emotions that arise as the child mourns.

Rituals. For many children, it is also important to have a goodbye ritual. “Rituals around death are some of the most meaningful ways we have of recognizing someone’s life, but these ceremonies aren’t societally defined for pet death,” Dr. Marks said. Families can create their own rituals, like having a small memorial service, scattering the pet’s ashes, planting a remembrance tree or creating a photo album.

Signposts. Increased anxiety can manifest in different ways in children: loss of appetite, loss of sleep, lack of interest in playing games or attending school, lack of interest in being sociable, and these are some of the signs to look out for in children, because this is their way of flagging up their anxiety. However, it’s not the issue per se that we need to focus on, doing so may only make this worse. For example, getting tough with the child about finishing their food may only exacerbate the issue for them. What they want is for us to help them acknowledge their feelings which are driving their behaviour, so the sadness and loneliness they may feel as a result of losing their pet is acknowledged and processed.

Story. If talking directly about the loss is difficult for the child, reading a story can help them access their feelings through character and metaphor because it makes them feel safe while they express their grief.

PLAY THERAPY: THE FACTS

· Play therapy is a form of counselling which enables children to deal with worries or anxieties which may be causing negative patterns of behaviour.

· Following an initial consultation with the parent or carer, play therapy sessions usually take place on a weekly basis in a neutral, safe environment, typically over a 12-week period.

· Using a variety of play materials such as paint, sand, figures and puppets, the play therapist will gently guide the child to work through emotional issues without the need for verbal explanations.

· Data from governing body Play Therapy UK shows that between 77% and 84% of children who partake in play therapy show a positive change in their behaviour.

Amanda is a recognised authority in the play therapy field, having worked extensively with children at Great Ormond Street Hospital for Children, as well as families across the East Midlands.

A Play Therapy UK Certified Play Therapist and a member of the Association of Family Therapy and Systemic Practice, Amanda’s first publication was a picture book for bereaved children called, Isaac and the Red Jumper.

Her second book, Helping Children Cope with Loss and Change: A guide for parents and professionals is published by Routledge. The book offers parents and teachers practical tools to help children experiencing emotional difficulties associated with bereavement and other major life-changing events such as divorce, adoption, fostering and relocation.