Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Ok, guys, I spent a LOT of time yesterday typing up this 5 page story that may or may not show up here or over at the Captain's place. Due to this, I'm wiped out. So, I'm regaling you with a story from deep within my archives (of the blog you pervs, nothing else).Enjoy.

Yes, yes, yes.....laugh all you want. I was invited to a Mary Kay makeover party. To those of you who know me, that's like inviting someone who hates swimming to a swimming party. I just don't do make-up.

I wore make-up when I was a teenager. I wore eyeliner, mascara and lipstick, but never blush, eye-shadow, foundation or lip liner. I started when I was about 12. I even wore BLUE mascara at one point!!!! When I turned 17 or so, I made a conscious decision to stop wearing make-up. I liked the way I looked without it. When I say I stopped wearing make-up, I meant I stopped wearing it on a daily basis. I did wear it when I went out or if it was a special occasion. I still do.

I'm one of those women that have to throw out almost perfectly full mascara tubes because they end up expiring before I can use them! They start getting that chunky feel to them and get all gooey.

Anyway, last week, a local lady called me up and asked if I'd like to attend a Mary Kay makeover party. Being new in town and all, I accepted. I accepted mostly because it's a small town and I'm not quite at that point where I want to start turning away invitations to get togethers. That and it gave me the opportunity to meet some new people. Also, my family is well known in the town I live in and I don't really want to shed any kind of negative light on my family. This is a new concept for me because before, I didn't live close enough to family for it to matter what kinds of consequences my actions brought. Southern familial politics at its best.

So, with constipation inducing fear in my body and trepidation in my heart, I went to the party last night. It was the hostess, the Mary Kay representative and 3 other women (besides myself) there. Light of my life had been invited as well and one of the other ladies brought her 4 year old daughter.

The mother of the other young girl was probably around my age and the other two ladies were probably in their 60's or maybe 70's. Not sure.

Anyway, after the necessary small talk, we got down to business. All my fears were quickly confirmed when I had to put all kinds of lotions and potions and what not on my face. I was then asked to put on some sort of foundation powder stuff. This is the part where I was extremely uncomfortable. I don't know how to apply stuff like this. I never learned and had never put anything like this on my face before. I didn't even know how to get more powder out of the little tub thingie. I especially didn't know how to put it on with that scary looking brush type thing. I felt like the biggest idiot. I don't mind making an ass out of myself if I inadvertently say or do something (that usually can't be helped) but I felt like an ass for not knowing something that about 95% of the women in the world (yes, I know that's an exaggeration) know how to do. After the foundation debacle, we did get into some more familiar territory when we were asked to put on some eyeshadow. Now, I know (sort-of) the right way to put on eye-shadow. However, the little sample thingie came with INSTRUCTIONS!!!!! Instructions that actually came with diagrams. Diagrams of what was supposed to be an eye but they actually included the upper part of the eye (right below the eyebrow). When did people start wearing eye-shadow waaaaay up there? There were two separate diagrams and they were complicated looking. There was a diagram of how to apply two different eye-shadows (presumably at the same time) and how to do three different eye-shadows. They actually had a pattern!!! Seriously? For real? It blew my mind. I just slapped some shiny stuff on my eyes and moved on to the next little sample thingie. Can you guess what the next sample thingie was? Can ya, can ya? You got it....blush. If you thought putting on eye shadow was complicated, this was 10 times WORSE! It didn't come with any instructions AT ALL!!!! How fair is that? Believe me, there is a right and a wrong way to put on blush but I'll be damned if I knew what either of them was. I about bolted when I saw the blush. When no one was looking, I took my little cotton ball and dabbed it on the blush sample and pretended to put some on. I quickly went past that part and went straight to the lipstick. That was familiar territory and I managed not to mess that up. The party didn't last too much longer after that and I ended up buying some lip balm. There was a little pressure to become a Mary Kay representative but there's no way on God's green earth that you could get me to push any kind of product on anyone, let alone MAKE-UP!!!!!!

The other thing I hate about it is the fact that they were all staring at me when all this was going on and oohhing and aaahhhing over how drastic the transformation was. To me, I didn't look any different. A little shinier perhaps, but not different and certainly nothing to ooohhh and aaaahhh over. Believe me, a shiny Mama Dawg is not something the world is ready for.Gimme power tools over make-up any day.

Later,

P.S. Light of my life ended up looking like a million bucks and she applied her make-up herself. How sad is that? My 7 year old is better at this crap than I am. LOL!!!!

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really cool people who give a rat's patootie:

I can't stand any type of those parties. No matter how many times you tell yourself you are not breaking out the checkbook, you always do. It seems like I know more people that sell Mary Kay than don't. But, it does give me a good excuse: "oh, I have a really good friend that sells Mary Kay". No, I don't buy from that friend, or any of them, but it makes people back off real quick like.

I am a mineral powder, mascara and LLLIIIIPPP GLOSS kinda gal. I do eyeshadow some, but noway up to the brow. I look like a hooker if I do that.

I stopped doing the whole makeup thing when I was preggo with my girl, and I just haven't picked it back up. I probably should, because I know I look a million times better with it, but I never seem to find the time...

Mary Kay parties are a little creepy, all hanging around putting on make up together, not my thing either, plus it's over priced, at least here in Canada it is. I'll stick to covergirl.PS I think the Captain is a Mary Kay representative!