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Sunday, October 25, 2015

The Fantasy Preamble

Now that's forming a perfect union!

From time to time - actually most of the time - I engage in
fantasies about hot young women to help satisfy urges that are as likely to be
satisfied in reality as Bernie Sanders is to iron one of his shirts.
In good conscience, though, I cannot fantasize about a woman who would
naturally find me as appealing as her dad's poker partner unless I first create
a back story explaining why she now finds me as irresistible as a hot fudge
sundae.

Hence, the Fantasy Preamble: Her name is Andi. She
is 32 years old and blond with eyes so blue you could practically swim in them.
She is pursuing a graduate degree while working as a waitress at a nearby diner
where I've impressed her with my charm, style, and tipping at 80%.

"Perry, I get off at 10:00. Will I see you
tonight?"

"Andi, this can't go on! You should be with a younger man.”

“Younger men bore me. You know that I’ve pre-subscribed to “AARP
Magazine” for years now so I can get off on all the pictures of the hot senior
guys! Perry, your paucity of hair, crumpled
face, and circles under your eyes just turn me on!

"Well, Andi, when you got it, you got it."

Fade out and into my fantasy.
That's the Fantasy Preamble, which serves to make the unpalatable palatable. Without it the closest I am likely to come to
pillow talk with Andi is her asking me if I like the pajamas she bought her
dad for Father’s Day.

Her name is Susan. She is 37 years old,
red-headed and passionate, and an accountant that I met when she did my taxes.
"Perry, ever since I first prepared your 1040 I knew there was something
special about you."
"Was it the income under the poverty line?"
"Perry, I know you're worried about the age difference, but I don't care!
"But Susan, when you're 40, I'll be 70.

"And when I’m 70 you’ll be 100, but you’ll
still have that ineffable quality!"
"Well, I guess ineffability does have its virtues.”Fade out and into my fantasy.

Her name is Helen. She is 38 years old and a talented artist about whose work I
have become passionate since I saw her on Facebook in a bikini. She has begged
me to allow her to paint my portrait.

“Almost done, Perry! You are such a marvelous subject!”

“Thank you, Helen. You
know this isn’t the first time I’ve been painted.”

I loved that you used the word paucity instead of comparing your lack of hair to the odds of finding a water fountain in the middle of the Sahara.

Why do you keep breaking these poor fantasy girl's hearts? It's not everyday a man your age comes across a hot young thing with poor vision, big boobs, and a desire to date a guy old enough to remember when Ike was in office. Geez, Perry. I swear, you'd screw up a wet dream.

I would screw up a wet dream if I ever had one at my age. As for breaking hearts, yes, I have to admit the first one I ever broke was that of Mamie Eisenhower. But that's another story for another day. I guess she just likes guys who will one day have a paucity of hair.

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Perry Block has lived a life of which most others can only dream. Although we don't know who these "most others" might be, it's clear their dreams have to be about as exciting as being President of the Justin Bieber Fan Club at the Abe Vigoda Memorial Home for Very, Very Old Jews.
In his one action-packed lifetime, Perry has been a rugged, briny sea-faring guy; a hunky dude given to slamming his right fist into his left palm while exclaiming "caution be damned, innocent lives are at stake!"(although frankly he has always missed his left palm); and a world class professional yodeler known for a killer "YO-DEL" but a generally undistinguished "LAY-HE-HOO!" He has succeeded in virtually every sphere of human endeavor, but failed miserably in the rectangular and triangular ones.
In his private life, Perry spends most of his time fantasizing he has a private life. He is the proud father of Brian Block, age 29, and Brandon Block, who's 23. He regrets not having more children so he could have alliterated their names as well.
As he reaches those golden Nouveau Old years, Perry says that he has no regrets. How could he? He's forgotten them all.

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ALL RIGHTS RESERVED --- In fact so reserved they probably wouldn't make a fuss even if you did try to mess with them! What I really need are All Rights who are Tough Son of a Bitches! Where do I get them?