Lindsay Lohan told friends she's "completely over the club scene" and won't even party sober because it puts her at risk for a relapse. Hopefully this isn't like that time Michael Lohan vowed he'd never speak to the media again.

She also says she's cutting off people who just used her to party, so she may be in the market for a new batch of friends. [TMZ]

The district attorney who's investigating whether or not Lindsay assaulted Dawn Holland in rehab suspects the Lohans may have paid Holland off, possibly because Michael Lohan told Radar that he tried to pay her off. [Radar]

The premiere of Sarah Ferguson's OWN reality show has been delayed for reshoots because Oprah found it boring. [Radar]

Jaime Pressley and her husband Simran Singh have split. Says a source, "It was very mutual and she's very sad." [Perez]

Madonna's estranged brother Christopher Ciccon thinks her obsession with younger men is "creepy," but I bet Madonna thinks the same thing about her younger brother's obsession with talking to the tabloids. [Radar]

Nadya Suleman is surprised that the video of her wearing a black corset while whipping a man dressed as a giant baby turned out to be "a vulgar and unprofessional video." Now she's worried that CPS will take her kids away due to the video, even though that really doesn't make any sense. [Radar]

The next time your neighbor blares Christian rock all day, remember it still isn't as bad as living next to Suleman. [TMZ]

In this video, Justin Bieber calls his mom to ask if he can buy a toy helicopter. Isn't that kind of weird even for non-filthy rich 16-year-old boys? [TMZ]

Some kid who was rejected from American Idol just became an Eagle Scout. I think we're supposed to laugh at him, but I wish I knew how to start a fire by rubbing sticks together. [TMZ]

Flavor Flav could've built the first restaurant in his planned chain of chicken joints anywhere, but for some reason he picked a spot right next to a KFC in Clinton, Iowa. [TMZ]

Aaron Sorkin is working on a TV show about a cable news show, not to be confused with his previous shows about a TV sports show and a TV variety show. Keith Olbermann "could be tapped to contribute rants." [EW]

The Last Airbender and Twilight: Eclipse lead this years Razzie nominations with nine nods each. There's a special category this year for "Worst Eye-Gouging Mis-Use of 3-D."[Deadline]

Nothing James Franco does can shock us at this point, so we are unfazed by this photo of him wearing a long blonde wig while smearing Nivea cream on a young lady's face. [Best Week Ever]

Here's video of him doing incoherent karaoke in the same blonde wig. Nice try Franco, but I assume for you this is just a typical Saturday night. [TMZ]

Britney Spears will not be collaborating with Gucci Mane, meaning the chances she'll decide to get a giant Starbucks cup tattooed on her face are slightly lower. [Gossip Cop]

I don't know what is more mind-boggling. The news that RHONY's Sonja Morgan is working on a toaster over cook book, or this photo of her posing with slices of toast. [Radar]

Former Spice Girl Emma Bunton is engaged to some dude named Jade Jones. Insert your own "gotta get with my friends" joke here. [TMZ]

Half of the Glee cast went to Las Vegas to celebrate Naya Rivera's 24th birthday. They all look cut and happy, but since that doesn't sell papers, the Daily Fail titled the story "Glee gone wild! The cast look worse for wear at Naya Rivera's Las Vegas birthday bash" [Daily Mail]

Speaking of Glee, Matthew Morrison recorded a duet with Elton John. Says Elton: "I just did it! It's a duet. It's great, really fantastic. He sings great on it. It's a medley of 'Mona Lisas and Madhatters' going into 'Rocket Man.' I did it on Monday." Sorry Schue, but Shatner did the best "Rocket Man" cover of all time. [HuffPo]

Submitted for your analysis: Video of Viggo Mortensen and Michael Fassbender singing together in German as Sigmund Freud and Carl Jung. [Cinema Blend]

When asked if she's stop making movies to raise a family, Winona Ryder said, "I think if I had a child, I would. I think I'd just want to be a mum. And I've seen from my brother and sister-in-law how much work children are so I think I'd want it to be my priority." I think if I had a few million dollars, I might lay on the couch watching Star Trek: TNG reruns all day, kid or no kid. [Showbiz Spy]

When asked about her plans for her uterus, Mena Suvari said, "Everybody wants a child. I want at least two children, maybe in another year or so. Who knows, I might end up having five and being this crazy woman with all these children." [People]

Were you aware that Kim Kardashian dated Nick Lachey right after he divorced Jessica Simpson? I was not. Or perhaps like many things Kardashian-related, I just blocked it out. [OMG]

Wondering why your prayers have gone unanswered? Well according to this recent Tweet from Jessica Simpson, he had his hands full: "Thank you Lord for blessing me with a Man that has the perfect Tush. Laying my hands upon it with peace :)" [People]