Character Profile 2

She, unlike her name suggests, is a most slender and provocative being. I have always envied the size of her thighs and of her energetic temperament. It was a godsend to have met her all those years ago at school (uggggg school… just thinking about it makes me shudder…) and the fact that she STILL manages to flabbergast (yes, such a splendid word… flabbergast…) me with her sexual exploits is a feat of majestic proportions. I am still unsure as to where her name originated from, my memory has always been an issue, but I am confident it was just a random glitch of invention. Hippos are usually cumbersome and stout creatures and the only way that she is even comparable to them, I guess, is when they become ferocious… and perhaps when she pulls funny faces.

Dear lord! How akin she becomes to this creature when she contorts her face into outrageous expressions; it’s a sight which belongs in a circus of some sort. I always wonder whether the muscles in her face will one day snap from the strain of being pulled hither and dither. I imagine her face all saggy and instantly think of that dog from the MGM cartoons… Droopy, Droopy the dog. I hope that flaccid end never befalls her because I doubt I’d be able to restrain myself from calling her Droopy… Who knows, maybe all this stretching is in fact strengthening these muscles and will therefore keep them taunt and wrinkle-free when she is old. If that happens, well then my envy will reach new boundaries…

Anyway, anyway let’s get back on track, shall we?

As I was saying; though portrayed in a different manner, Lottimus’s ferocity is not too dissimilar to that of the haughty hippo. Even if she’s not aggressive or vicious like one; she can still charge. Her intensity and confidence is apparent with every exhaled breath; like the flickering of cloud that escapes our lips in the cold days of winter. We can see it; only it’s golden. She doesn’t have to think twice when she rushes into a situation; her vibrancy can carry her through any venture.

She is more Happy Hippo than actual Hippo. No one can dislike a happy hippo… they taste sooo good. I only wish they made them multi-coloured… they’ve missed a trick here; definitely think I will send this suggestion to Kraft. If I could choose which colour happy hippo Lottimus would be I’d definitely make her fluorescent yellow. Her hide would glow brightest of them all and she would have a smile that looked as if it had been drawn on by Walt Disney himself… a genuine throw-back from the pink elephant brigade.

Did anyone else find those pink elephants terrifying? I remember watching Dumbo with Lottimus after a night out and we both sat their thinking ‘I do not remember it being like this when I was a kid!’… far too sinister for whatever AM it was that morning.

Lottimus is my golden girl. I can count on her to make me laugh and see sense through my insecurities. She has strong opinions on music, politics, vegetarianism, films and… men… but she doesn’t force these judgements on others. She is what you’d call the modern day eco-warrior who listens to hard-core rock AND hip hop, loves dinosaurs AND cooking, loves intergalactic sci-fi AND films with subtitles.

Back at school I had a pixie cut (a move I still regret to this day) but out of all the girls I knew who said they liked it she’s the only one who was brave and cut her hair short too. This made me certain that she wasn’t feeding me with false compliments and from then on I have never ever doubted anything she has told me. She was the one who stuck up for me even if I wasn’t brave enough to do it myself – and she still holds the grudges I wasn’t strong enough to cling to….

HEY! I guess that may be another reason as to why she is similar to a hippo… she has thick skin; an impenetrable hide which can take the sticks, the stones and the ugly words which harm most people.

She is a genuine defender of the weak…

A superhero.

My superhero.

I can imagine her outfit now…

Brown boots – Perfect for avoiding the dreaded high-heel ‘accidental’ treading and for prolonging time spent on the dance floor.

Thick trousers or jeans – for warmth and freedom to boogie like a freak.

A simple black top with a signature logo of a band she likes – so she can wave her arms about without risk of showing off giant sweat patches. Which I too suffer from, no matter what deodorant you use nothing works and it doesn’t matter what time of year it is it still attacks… why? Why?

A necklace of an AT-AT Walker from Starwars OR of a tyrannosaurus – shows she is a complete and utter geek and who doesn’t like a geek?

Hair must be down – a head-banging blonde is hard to ignore; an approved method of seduction.

Long jacket – to shield from rain and so that she can practice her flashing skills without risk of actual… flashing… hehehe I made that up… she doesn’t really flash people… only me.

She has always taken good care of me – from our experimental school days where we would strut around the playground listening to hip hop to dramatic nights out where she’d have to save me from strange lustful men by pretending to be my lesbian partner. She is a friend everyone must have and I hope you do because if I didn’t have my Lottimus I know for a fact I wouldn’t be the person I am now.

She is the girl who is the most unlikely hippopotamus ever created and it’s pretty lucky her nickname fits so so well.