Saturday, December 15, 2012

10 Days of Cheap Christmas: Day #3

The ball is back in my court now for Day 3 of the 10 Days of Cheap Christmas countdown. You may recognize this item if you're a keen viewer and saw it during the video Will and I made for this project. It's a miniature gingerbread house I scored at Dollar Tree for, you guessed it, $1. I like the gift wrap motif and underneath that its wrapped again in a tight layer of plastic to keep it fresher than the cuts and fades Issac Rosenberg was dishing out in Barbershop 2: Back in Business.

This gives new meaning to the phrase "home invasion"! The smell of gingerbread that emerged was surprisingly potent (like that herb your little cousin sells -- natch!).

Wait a second -- what is this!

Zartan: This is my holiday retreat home. If you're going to stand there gawking, taking pictures, and making bad puns the least you can do is let me give you the tour.

Brian: Well, sure, I'd be honored! Please.

Zartan: Here's the front of the place. That wreath was handcrafted in Reykjavík.

Brian: Oh, cool, that's where Björk is from.

Zartan: Gesundheit.

Brian: Nice snowman, too. My friend Deon the Distasteful would probably ask you if a handicapped kid made it for a quick buck but --

Zartan: That's enough.

Brian: Is that a sled parked at the front door?

Zartan: No it's the red fucking carpet and this is opening night to your one-man show "Webmaster that Zartan Snuffed".

Brian: Moving right along...

Zartan: Here's the left side of the place where I have my make-up, disguise, and holographic technology lab. It's also got a real dandy of a candy cane decoration leaning up against it.

Brian: Good choice. Really compliments the blue window frames and pulls it all together.

Zartan: Here's the right side it houses the guest rooms where my twin younger siblings Zandar and Zarana stay when they visit.

Brian: What about that gift over there? Wow! Is that something special for your daughter Zanya?

Zartan: No it's a new chainsaw blade and ponytail clip for Buzzer. Any other questions Ernie Pyle?

Zartan: Here's the ass of the place. I put out a little tree behind the house as well so the raccoons and rodents can share in the holiday spirit.

Brian: That was awfully thoughtful of you. Now where's the pisser?

After escaping unscathed from Zartan when he went inside to fetch some chocolate-covered donuts and grape soda (it's a Dreadnoks thing) I tried to eat his house. I couldn't do it. Is this thing even edible? Was it intended to be consumed or merely observed and appreciated ocularly? I took a nibble then placed it in a prominent spot in my own kitchen so I can see it daily.