His Side/Her Side: A Breakdown Of The Cast Of GIRLS

As far as shows that encapsulate what it’s like to be a post-grad 20-something go, GIRLS is by far the best one on TV. From its ridiculous, yet relatable story lines, to its sharp dialogue, I don’t know one person who can’t appreciate Lena Dunham’s Emmy-winning masterpiece. Even though it’s often compared to Sex and The City, I think it might be an even better, more relatable representation of our generation than the timeless masterpiece featuring Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte and Miranda. Aside from the quotable lines and tragic breakups (hello, Post-It note), SATC’s greatest contribution to all of us was its four main characters. How many times have we described someone in SATC terms? “She’s a total Miranda, but when she gets drunk, she’s a Samantha.” Or “She’s a Charlotte, for sure. We need to bid her.” I think GIRLS is doing the same things for all of us: providing four new characters to relate to and compare our friends with. TheChampionsTour and I wanted to give you our opinions regarding which girls we’d bid and bag.

Jessa

Pearls
Jessa is a total free spirit, of course. She’s the girl who got a bid because she didn’t give a fuck during recruitment, but in the best way possible. She’s pretty, and she’s fun, and she exudes an energy that makes people want to be around her. She probably isn’t a legacy, because there’s no way she would let someone else dictate her choices. Regardless, she found her way into a great house, and she’s been busy giving standards a reason to exist ever since. She loves her sisters and would do anything for them, but she’s constantly trying to find a way around actually being “involved” in her house. She doesn’t like being burdened with chapter meetings, and she’s the girl who gets in trouble for cutting up her event Tees. She’s may have hooked up with a guy in every house on campus, but she can’t be bothered to care about any potential awkwardness at mixers. She’s crazy, but she’s worth a bid.

Champ
Jessa is a wild one. She’s got serious, permanent, unfixable daddy issues, for sure. I’m into it. She’s also got one of those weird bodies that I just find myself attracted to, you know? If I could explain it, I would. Other than that, the whole hippie, ultra-liberal thing really turns me off. I get it. She’s a world traveler, makes impulsive decisions, and seems like the type of person who always wants to be more interesting than everyone else in the room. She’d be a nice one-nighter type of girl, but as far as anything long term? No, thanks. Some stallions just can’t be tamed.

Marnie

Pearls
Marnie was BORN to be chapter president, or at the very least, somewhere on exec. She’s gorgeous and she has fun, but she knows her limits and isn’t afraid to let everyone else know how in control she is. Marnie is the girl who’s always looking out for everyone’s best interests, and can easily come off as too controlling and bitchy as a result. She’s great during recruitment, because she’s a good judge of character, but she’s not good for a recruitment chair role, because she’s too critical to let the necessary wild girls in. Marnie is the girl who actually doesn’t mind sober monitoring for most of her college career, but come senior year, she inevitably turns into a mega bitch, and when she gets drunk people are terrified of her. Needless to say, I’d bid her.

Champ
Marnie is a total babe. Props to her for breaking up with that sorry ass boyfriend, whatever his name was. The one who shaved his head. She’s a gorgeous woman, physically speaking. Serious bitch face, though, but that body? Man. She seems smart enough and she’s a career-oriented woman. That gets my motor running. And the way she broke up with her boyfriend? Classic. Or I guess he broke up with her. Who knows? Either way, Marnie is wifeable. Hannah obviously holds some ill will towards her considering she’s a grossout and Marnie’s a hard 8. You girls and your jealousy.

Shoshannah

Pearls
Oh, Shosh. I think I am her, but regardless, I love her. Shoshannah is like that legacy that is so nice and so eager to please that everyone loves her, but it takes her a long time to actually find her voice within her house. She’s super friendly and hesitant to ever offend anyone, but that also makes her a great candidate for exec board, because she will never complain about doing anyone’s bitch work. She is the ideal pledge mom, because she isn’t intimidating and will make all of the new girls feel welcome, especially since you are a totally “non-hazing” sorority. She is the kind of friend who will make you feel okay about yourself even if that dress really is too tight. Shoshannah has a million friends when she gets to campus from camp, but she’s ready to make more and be a great contribution to her sorority. She’s too sweet for her own good, but she’s also a great friend. BID!

Champ
Shoshannah just seems like the kind of girl that would ruin a party. She’s too much of a goody two shoes for me. No offense to you, Pearls, she just rubs me the wrong way. She’s too peppy and naïve for my taste. There’s also a hint of insecurity there that I’d absolutely destroy were we ever to be alone. Is she a sweetheart? Sure. But I’m just not into it. I’m sure she’d be a great “face” gal for a sorority, but guys would absolutely loathe her presence around the frat. Now, if she could just loosen up a bit and have a little more fun with her life, I’d be down for it. There’s some potential here, but damnit, she dates a 30-year-old. I can’t deal with it.

Hannah

Pearls
To me, Hannah is the girl who will definitely NOT get a bid based on her looks, and her personality might scare some people away. If the actives aren’t immediately off-put by her hipster outfits during recruitment, though, she might actually be a diamond in the rough. True, she’s kind of ugly, and she’s over-analytical, but at her core she is actually really funny. She’ll be the sister who needs friends to make her normal, but she’ll usually be pretty fun to go out with. She’s also very non-threatening when it comes to guys, and let’s face it, everyone needs that one friend. She appreciates volunteering and making contributions to the world, so she’d actually probably be a great philanthropy chair. Plus, she is really smart, and even the hottest houses on campus can use a GPA boost. I might bid her, actually.

Champ
Let’s just get this out of the way, first off: I have seen this girl’s gross, lumpy, cone-shaped boobs way too many times. Outside of her weird, strangely proportioned body and insufferable voice, there are some definite redeeming qualities to Hannah Horvath. There’s no shame in her game. She’s always down to party, she is one of the few people that are hilarious when they’re on coke, and I never thought I would say it, but she’s a funny lady. There’s something odd to her that I am into, not in a sexual way, but in a really caring, brotherly way. If she wasn’t an unbearable hipster living in Brooklyn, I’d love to sit at the end of the bar with her at 4pm on a Tuesday and slam down shots while going to the bathroom every 30 minutes to bang rails of coke off the counter. Once you get past the several layers of hipster, there’s a very redeemable gal behind it and I dig it. Only as a friend, of course.