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Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/admin/class.options.metapanel.php on line 49One of my first duties as Queen of the World would be to free all of the goats in all the world. I’ll be like a goat Moses. | Fetch My Flying Monkeys

One of my first duties as Queen of the World would be to free all of the goats in all the world. I’ll be like a goat Moses.

Believe it or not, sometimes I say shit just to get a rise out of people. I know! Shocking! One of my favorite people to do this to is J. J is about the easiest going guy you’d ever want to meet. Seriously. I know I joke about him being a Nazi and hating freedom, but mostly I do this because, well, J is a politician. Yeah, that’s right, and calling him a Nazi and a freedom hater are things that bother him; that and my incessant talk about my love for George Clooney, but not really, he just rolls his eyes about that. Another favorite pastime of mine is to discuss my World Domination plans with him; OUTRAGEOUS, non-politically correct, violent plans. When I do this, little veins pop out on his forehead, his jaw tightens, and you can see him physically cringe. He’ll look at me with his eyes widened and say something like “Laura, you wouldn’t really do that would you?” And I’ll say something like “Damn skippy I would!” and throw my head back, laugh maniacally, and then straighten up and say all sweet psycho-like ”Let’s go get ice cream!”

Here’s an example of one of our conversations about my World Domination plans just the other day:

Me: “…and then I’d blow their fucking country off the map, taking all their natural resources for my own. And if their neighbors didn’t like it, I’d blow them off the map too! Take that, motherfuckers! Ha!”

J: “If I can accomplish one thing in my lifetime, it’s to make certain you gain no power.”

Me: (ignoring him) “And I’d have a new Manhattan Project to develop a new Neutron Bomb that would kill all the people and leave the goats standing.”

J: “Yeah, but…”

Me: “Dude, you didn’t think I’d rule the world and want to hold hands with the evil, barbaric cultures and sing Kumbaya did you? What’s the point in that? We do that NOW! No. No. No. Tuesdays and Thursdays will be nuclear annihilation days and that will continue until attitudes improve.”

J: “Well, I was hoping you really didn’t mean…how’d you put it? ’Kill them all and let God sort them out.’”

Me: “I swear, sometimes it’s like we never met. That will be the motto on the new flag by the way. Now let’s go get ice cream!”

And since my voodoo dolls still aren’t in, here’s a picture of a smiling goat:

84 Responses to One of my first duties as Queen of the World would be to free all of the goats in all the world. I’ll be like a goat Moses.

I’m pretty sure that goat’s smirking because he knows how much better you’re going to make his life as soon as you gain world domination. Will the new flag have a goat’s profile, or a straight-up head shot on it?

Hmm.. If that ever does happen for you just be aware we will negotiate and pretty much all our goats are free, well, coddled anyway.
Given J’s lifetime goal, if you DO ever gain power perhaps then is the time to start wearing body armour against that knife that he might just be trying to place in your back…..or just let thelma deal with him. I assume she’s running security…

I’ll be bigger than Oprah. And I mean that literally. I’ll be eating a lot of bacon and Circus Peanuts because I’ll be throwing a lot of formal political dinners. And by political dinners I mean meeting with my nuclear scientists and goat herders.

My first job after college was being a staffer for a state congressman who really WAS the world’s biggest jerk. Seriously – he once threw a stapler at a co-worker. No amount of ice cream would’ve fixed the situation. Gold bars, though, would’ve made me stay in that job for at least 10 years.

There are way too many assholes in the world and a lot of them are elected officials. J is not one of them. And if I was on the receiving end of that stapler that congressman would be dead right now and I’d be imprisoned for murder by stapler, ’cause if ANYONE throws something at me- it’s getting implanted into their skull. NO job is worth being physically abused over. Of course, most of us are mentally abused…but that’s another thing.

If all the goats were with you, then you’d naturally have all the goatsuckers coming after you and yours too. You’d have to declare war on them as well. Be a tough conflict, as they’re notoriously difficult to find, if not downright impossible, at least till it’s almost too late.

Please don’t part the Red Sea. The goats will just pee in it and the smell…. well, beach property values would take a dive. And I just bought some nice Red Sea beachfront from this nice Nigerian via email. Such a nice man. He was a king once, he said.

Bitch, back it up! I am first in line as Queen of The World! FACT! Just ask my assistant, she will confirm it. And just to prove it I am now about to attend the bi-annual Fire Warden Meeting for our building…if I can find my bright orange hat, oh, here it is! *SNAP!*

Poor J, he should commiserate with the hub – the hub is always having to kick me under the table to try to get me to shut up at “functions”. He ain’t a politician but he is a recovering attorney (not the ass hole kind) and might work for the gob’ment. Ha!
I bet all your K-bar and firearms speak give J heartburn when he is being all political – maniacal laughter inserted here…
Laura for Queen Of The World!

I’m back from my trip and trying to catch up on my blog-reading. Why does Google reader take me through them backwards? The most recent post first? It’s annoying. When you’re Queen of the World, will you make them fix that?

Back in the day when I was pulling 24 hour combat alerts in an ICBM launch control center buried somewhere under central Arkansas (Yes, I was one of those guys waiting to “push the button”.) I had a T-shirt with a Death’s head wearing a beret and the motto “Kill all and let God sort them out!” It used to make my deputy crew commander nervous to see me kicked back with my feet up on the commander’s console late at night wearing that shirt and reading something inspirational like Catch 22.

Guess I’d better get to work on that bunker in the backyard. But first, I haven’t cleaned my guns today.