Spiritual & Skeptical Nonsense

Fists flew as newly elected American president, Donald Trump and his wife Melania visited with Pope Francis on Tuesday at Vatican City. The trip marks the Presidents first over seas journey of his new administration.

Questions swirled around how Pope Francis would react to meeting Trump face to face after the American Leader unleashed a Twitter storm last year in which he referred to the Pope as, "a lady-boy in a dress" and a "left-wing loonie" for his opposition of Trump's proposed border wall. The Pope has yet to express his opinion of 'The Trump Catapult' which will soon be used to return illegal immigrants to their country of origin. It is presumed the Holy Father does not approve. This trip comes on the heels of the Presidents first successful visit to Saudi Arabia where he participated in the public beheading of Abdullah Sowsan, a Saudi citizen charged with "observing in a lustful manner the posterior of another man." President Trump was granted the honor of "executioner" for the event. Having no experience with decapitations in the past, Mr. Trump was forced to saw Mr. Sowsan's head from the body when his initial swing of the scimitar only cut part way through the neck. The three meter spray of blood that soaked the audience as he hacked through his victim caused the President to joke about starting a blood-proof line of clothing geared specifically toward executioners. After departing from Saudi Arabia Mr. Trump visited Israel where he presented Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu with a solid gold oven as a tribute to the six million Jews murdered in the second world war. Despite the inappropriate gift, Mr. Trump was later seen placing a good-humoured Mr. Netanyahu into the oven and laughingly shouting in a German accent, "Ve must burn ze dirty Jewz, but ve must do it vith class." Mr. Netanyahu has since expressed regret toward his participation in the game. The President and his wife then flew on to Rome, Italy where his plane was greeted by most of the baggage attendants and a homeless man that sleeps on the runways. Pope Francis was unable to meet the Trump's due to a rerun of Ren & Stimpy airing the same time Air force One was touching down. When asked if he was disappointed by the absence of Pope Francis at the airport Mr. Trump responded, "Pope who?" The fireworks began shortly after the traditional gift exchange which takes place when Pope Francis meets with any world leader. After receiving a diamond encrusted coffee mug with the words, "Worlds Greatest Pope" scrawled across its side, the Holy Father presented the U.S. President with a copy of his 2015 encyclical letter on the need to protect the environment from the effects of climate change. Mr. Trump seemed visibly bothered by the gift stating to his wife, "What a cheep bastard. I give him diamonds, he gives me paper." President Trump then began to question the Popes scientific background asking why anybody should care what an old virgin in a frock had to say about climate change. The question seemed to effect the Pope so much he locked himself in a nearby closet to composed his thoughts. When he finally reemerged several minutes later his traditional white garment had been replaced with the same one piece singlet commonly worn by high school wrestlers. With little warning Pope Francis launched a flying drop kick in the direction of President Trump who easily stepped aside causing the Pope to crash into a nearby flower arrangement. On his feet in seconds Pope Francis began a juggernaut like charge that struck Mr. Trump in the abdomen forcing him to vomit up his Happy Meal and two scoops of ice-cream. Not to be outdone, Mr. Trump took hold of the Pope's singlet and gave him what could only be referred to as an "atomic wedgie" causing the Pope to scream at a pitch heard only by dogs. Wishing to assist her husband, Melania Trump directed a well placed kick to the genitals of Pope Francis who seem completely unfazed by the attack. "Those shriveled up years ago, bitch." He shouted before tossing a pitcher of water on the first lady who promptly melted into a multicolored puddle on the floor. With a cry of rage the President pulled a decorative shield from the wall and began to throttle Pope Francis about the head and face before secret service stepped in to end the conflict. When all was said and done President Trump declared the meeting a complete success saying, "My wife is gone and I gave the Pope a wedgie. You don't get much better than that." Pope Francis did not see the meeting the same way saying in an interview afterword, "I've been working on that drop kick for almost seven years and when I finally get a chance to use it....I blow it." The Vatican has since called for a rematch which Mr. Trump has yet to respond to. The Vatican has also sent the American government an $1150 bill for the dented shield, broken vase, and cost of a Shop-Vac rental to clean up the puddle that once was Melania.