Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Review: The MacGregor Brides

This book review has a history. It was the first one I did, sometime around the end of 2005. Someone named Attila the Mom stumbled upon it, thought it was humorous, blew coffee out of her nose, refilled her empty coffee cup, and a friendship was born—both bloggerly and personally. At my request, Mom found this review in an old Innertube vault so I could rerun it in the interest of keeping readers informed.

If for any reason you don’t agree with my opinion or it really revs your engine, please jot something down in the comments section.

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The MacGregor Brides, Nora Roberts

As you all know by now, I approach every subject I write about with objectivity, integrity, and a keen sense of fair play—three characteristics that are, er, characteristic of me. Characteristically, then, and with no thought aforethought of being judgmental, I dove open-mindedly yesterday into the pages of The MacGregor Brides.

Jesus, what a piece of shit.

Okay, I confess that I didn’t read all 370 pages, but I did read 50 of ’em. Hell, if I’d read the other 320 I’d be back in the hospital seeking help for a book-induced frontal lobotomy.

A brief summary of the first 50 pages: Laura MacGregor, fabulously rich and fabulously beautiful, is fabulously adept at protecting the sanctity of her fabulous knickers. Royce Cameron, a fabulous pussy hound who thinks with his fabulously small schlong, is nearly into Laura's fabulous knickers by the end of Chapter 3. Laura is a fabulous attorney and Royce is a fabulous security systems designer, but in the course of human affairs they are both as vapid, as vacuous, and as dumb as a box filled with fabulously dead spiders.

Publishers Weekly said about the book, “[Roberts] delivers the goods with panache and wit.”

“Her hair was black as midnight, straight as rain, and tumbled to a waist that just begged to be spanned by a man’s two hands.“And she was wearing some of the sexiest underwear it had ever been his pleasure to observe. If the face lived up to the body, it was really going to brighten his morning.”

The Los Angeles Daily News continued, “. . . painting her story and her characters with vitality and verve.”

And here’s some “vitality and verve” (page 47):

“He lowered his mouth toward hers, stopping an inch before contact. He saw her eyes darken, heard the long intake of breath, knew she held it. He waited, while his blood surged, waited until they were both suffering.”

Make that three, pal; I was suffering right along with the two of you.

But as shitty as this book is—writing, story, and everything else-wise—51 reviewers on Amazon.com gave it an aggregate 4½ stars out of 5.

Nothing like beginning to read this, coming to the one-sentence second paragraph just as I'm swallowing a Cheeto, and having the blasted thing sail merrily down my windpipe. That'll teach me. This is, without doubt, one of the best reviews I've ever read!

Charlie reviewing Nora Roberts????? I had a terrible sinking feeling there for a second. Then I came to the Jesus part, and I caught my breath again. But I'm still trying to get my mind around the WHY. Wasn't there a prescription label or a copy of The Watchtower available? Something else with words on it?? My MIL always seems to have a Nora Roberts book in progress. It makes me giggle to think of her devouring that stuff. "I like this one because it takes place in Ireland". Uh huh.

Thanks for the compliment; I wasn't quite sure how you would take it since my language was rather, uh, blunt. You can probably bet that I won't be getting any ARCs from Roberts . . .

WC: Reading between the lines of your comment, I take it you're not a fan.

KIM: Haunting is a good word. The review was resurrected from the dead once or twice, so you probably have read it. Sorry.

MOM: Thanks again for finding this thing. And trying to find a favorite on your blog would be nigh on impossible.

LW3 Not quite Faulkner, is she.

You are the first person who has ever asked the WHY. A blogger lady in California bought it for 50¢ (over priced) at a pre-owned bookstore and sent it to me as a joke. I gave it the 50 page test like I said, and I just had to write something scathing.

Charlie--You're not the only person who can be blunt. I just reviewed a book in a marvelous mystery series, and for the first time in a long time, no one's said "great review" or "I'm adding this to my wish list" and I think it's because I said upfront that the main character is not PC, and the two quotes I used proves that the language isn't straight from Pollyanna. Oh well. To each his own. If they won't read any of the books, they won't learn that he's one of the most moral characters going.

I will admit I've read Nora Roberts. The fourth time in the first chapter when she describes the luscious heroine as "wand thin" the book hit the wall.

CATHY: Perhaps I should have said profane instead of blunt, and I've never read a profanity-laced review on your blog. Readers seem to accept profanity in good quotes from a book , but if you had written The MacGregor Brides instead of me, I suspect you would have lost a lot of readers—the Puritan ethic still rules.

Snarky is fun, though.

And you surely know that yours isn't the first book to hit a wall—it seems to happen frequently with laytonwoman3rd.

KIM: Sorry about the sorry. Oops, did it again. I went back and read the second sentence and thank you for the nice compliment.

MARY: Bless your honest heart about reading an occasional crap book, probably meaning "romance." I understand that some are better writers than others, but I think Nora is at the bottom of the pile.

It must be so frustrating, knowing that you can write rings around someone but they're the ones in print making millions of dollars.

You're right, Charlie. No laced (or unlaced) profanities on my blog...I think. There may be a stray "damn" in there somewhere. Too many strait-laces read my blog, but most of them are fine folks, so I think of them as I type--unless I'm reviewing Peter Bowen. ;)

Do not travel over here from Stinkypaw's blog just to check it out while at work, because it will crack your ass up causing the boss to ask what the hell is so funny anyway in the world of academia. (not one damn thing that's what!)