It’s easy to condemn the wrongdoings of other men – especially sexual predators or other bullies. We turn them into mythical, distant, incredible bogeymen and position ourselves as the progressive alternative. But even if their behaviour is extreme and their ability to get away with it for so long, unchecked, too incredible to contemplate, we must remember it’s a product of how we live our lives. It’s a grotesque fatberg of power and entitlement, made up of closed ranks, blind eyes, free passes, nonchalant shrugs, and “boys will be boys”. It’s loaded with our complicity.

As Hollywood implodes following the uncovering of Harvey Weinstein’s assaults against women – possibly the entertainment world’s biggest open secret and certainly one of its most shameful – there’s never been a better time to take a long hard look at yourself. Have you been a good man?

A good man doesn’t talk over a female colleague, comment on her appearance, dismiss her ideas. He won’t demand respect without offering up his own. He never questions her commitment because she’s a mother, or favour a guy because men can’t get pregnant. He notices someone in a meeting naturally gravitating toward him, because he’s a man, even though his female boss is sitting right next to him. He shifts focus, he amplifies, knows when to bow out.

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A good man reads the signs; he does not touch until invited and accepts that the invitation can be withdrawn at any time

A good man knows any laugh from “ironic” sexism is hollow. When he hears someone talk that way, he doesn’t walk away thinking it was wrong, but not saying anything because a) it was only a joke and b) what’s the point anyway – everyone does it. He shoots it down without a second thought.

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When he hears a woman talk about being attacked, intimidated or assaulted, he listens. He won’t get defensive that “not all men are like that”, because even though it might be hard for him to understand, he will believe a woman when she tells him there is just no way of knowing how a man will behave – even one she knows.

A good man won’t send a dick pic without being asked, or get aggressive when someone rejects him or takes their time to think about it. He won’t lash out and tell someone he didn’t fancy them, he felt sorry for them, that they should say thank you when he gives them a compliment, bitch. He stops before replying and, in most cases, decides against it. He tries to accept a breakup and move on, not persist trying to change their mind, because if anyone is going to end it, it’s going to be him. He takes no for an answer. He doesn’t think anyone owes him sex because he paid for dinner, or behaved himself all night, or gave them a compliment, or because they had sex with them before. He reads the signs; he does not touch until invited and accepts that the invitation can be withdrawn at any time.

When a good man hears the inevitable tale of a guy being sexually inappropriate, he doesn’t dismiss it as “gossip”

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He doesn’t consider anyone more or less valuable based on their sexual availability to him, or lack thereof. He doesn’t judge someone for when or how they sleep with anyone. He knows women who assert themselves are not divas, or bossy, or manhaters, and tells other men so.

When a good man hears the inevitable tale of a guy being sexually inappropriate at a party, on a date, in a club, in the office, he doesn’t dismiss it as “gossip” or nothing to do with him because he would never do it. He doesn’t desperately search for excuses – such as, he was drunk and, y’know, it happens, and it’s all a misunderstanding because you have to see both sides really. When it happens again – because it always does – he calls him out and makes it clear this is disgusting and unacceptable, he can’t be around a guy like that, that he supports those he abused or intimidated. He knows his discomfort is nothing compared to the victims’, so he doesn’t stay quiet for the sake of peace.

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A good man doesn’t think having a mother, getting married or being a little girl’s daddy makes him an authority on women or cancels out past misdemeanours. He doesn’t care only about women who share space in his wardrobe or his heart, but understands why every woman in the world – even ones he’ll never meet – are important, and deserve his respect and a life free from oppression.

Every man – gay, straight, bi or trans – must acknowledge the role we’ve played in the past and commit to making it a more positive one

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A good man thinks about his behaviour toward all the women he encounters – mother, sisters, daughters, or wife, the barista he sees every morning, the women at work. He asks himself whether he’s ever done or said something to make them see beneath his veneer of respectability and wokeness, whether he’s ever disappointed them by revealing he was just like the others. He concedes he probably has, and that they will never tell him. He realises he has to do more, whoever he is.

A good man won’t apply pressure or cross boundaries to get someone to do what he wants because he believes he has to be tough or “it’s what men do” – even if he knows comebacks or consequences would be nonexistent, or easily dodged. He asks himself whether he’s ever plied someone with booze to make them more amenable to his way of thinking, be it regarding business, sex, money or all three. He stops immediately.

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A good man listens to women. He talks with them, doesn’t merely broadcast. He trusts them, breaks silences, raises his hand. He educates himself, reads women, accepts that equality and empowerment cannot come from championing women alone, but also from recognising men and masculinity’s role in their oppression and turning that on its head. He knows he must amplify their voices, not drown them out. He won’t wait for a hashtag, a news report, or another man to tell him. He doesn’t act shocked, because, if he’s honest with himself, he knows the men behaving this way are his buddies, workmates, brothers. They taught him double maths, or to ride his bike. He knows their names. They’re everywhere. They’re him. Us.

He knows speaking out helps us all – not only does it improve women’s lives, it frees men from the toxic bullshit that traps us in a ceaseless cycle of self-doubt, oneupmanship and unpalatable macho posturing. Every man – gay, straight, bi or trans – must acknowledge the role we’ve played in the past and commit to making it a more positive one. A good man wants to be the best man he can be, not because he wants a medal, or glory, or heartfelt thanks – as they will not and should not be forthcoming – but because he wouldn’t want to be any other way.