People Users, Abusers, Manipulators & Sociopaths

Updated on November 5, 2016

Exploitive hypocrite that skillfully twists words, dodges and evades coupled with character assassination.

How to defend yourself

How do people allow themselves to be used? It is easy to see it in another person's life but not so with ourselves. When we see an emotionally abused person we think to ourselves that, "I would never let that happen to me because I am a strong individual" or we say that the person must have a very low self-esteem.

The problem is, at the beginning of a new relationship, the manipulation is subliminal. If they are good at it then it won't be noticed until long after a pattern in ingrained in the relationship.

The three profiles of an exploiter

The Love Bomber

The Helpless One

The Equivocator

Defending oneself against being taken advantage of the three tactics used in tandem might seem too hard to do but establishing a protective fence for self-preservation is easier than becoming depressed and disabled from such emotional abuse.

The exploiter will adroitly transform themselves like a shape-shifter when ever a victim becomes aware of being manipulated. These changes can happen so quickly it is as if trying to hold on to a wiggling slippery eel when you are close to becoming aware of their false nature. THE LOVE BOMBER

The Love Bomber is the love fraud. Like a broken record from a cheesy Spanish love song, there is no depth in conversation other than, "I love you, I want you, I need you." An endless refrain of platitudes and the feeling of being put on a pedestal from this sweet talker is a set-up for the eventual hard fall. When you are all used up, with no money, no housing and no support system to get yourself back up, that person will then totally and completely abandon you with no more remorse than if discarding a used toilet paper.

Buttering you up doesn't have to be romantic. By mirroring your own hopes and desires, the exploiter will agree with everything you say. When pressed and asked what do they think of a situation, the exploiter retreats into a feigned humbleness that is the deflection not to have the true self revealed. You will be told that you are, smart,talented, successful, humorous, courageous, imaginative, inquisitive,confident and just altogether different than anybody they have ever met before.

Playing the servant, pretending to be working hard only for you without any thought of themselves, appearing humbly submissive and the martyr, these are the slick and surreptitious ways to deflect any criticism against themselves. A passive aggressive person will say yes to your face, but have no intention of keeping a promise. If called on the the carpet for repeated failure to follow through on promises, they play dumb, act hurt and vilify you for being so harsh and ruthless.

The User will then shame you for questioning the high moral standards that they claim to possess, then divert the topic in question by throwing in a Red Herring into the mix, pushing your buttons to forget the original problem. If you are finally able to nail jelly up against the tree, then minimization of their own bad behaviour will occur.

This is when the double standard begins to appear. They allow themselves mistakes and being human, but if you are questioning the person or express any displeasure at their supposed self sacrifice they have suffered "only for you" - then you will be vilified and raked over the coals repeatedly, often months afterwards the original 'sin' that you 'committed'.

How can a manipulator be able to twist you around their little finger so adeptly? It's because they know you better than you know yourself.Lack of self-knowledge is a weakness. Exploiters love co-dependents.There is nothing wrong with being co-dependent if the other is just as co-dependent as yourself. But an Exploiter will seek out like a heat missile, people who want to feel good about themselves by helping other unfortunates. So now we come up to to the next profile, 'The Victim'.

THE VICTIM

This is the person who makes other people feel sorry for them, and involves anybody near with their own problems. The drama queen whose life's situation is not any fault of their own but from some outside source. Hopelessly irresponsible, they don't want a hand up but a handout. Even a drowning person will reach a hand up for somebody to pull them out, but not these people. As if in a quagmire of quicksand, they quickly pull in whatever help is extended to them down into their own demise. If you call them out about how how the person is not making any effort to help themselves they use emotional blackmail to camouflage the zero respect that they have for your own personal space. They don't respect your 'no' for an answer.

AA has a phrase for this it's called "hitting bottom', retreating help and enabling forces the person to take stock of themselves through tough love. It is most difficult for family members to contend with the myriad of game playing from a recovering addict. It hurts because a person wants to help a distressed person but if do, only prolong the agony of recovery. Users enjoy codependents' need to feel needed and exploit this desire through shaming, passive hostility and subtle intimidation. These people feel that their toxic coping mechanisms individuals are justified for survival.

Shrewd, skillful and deliberate, once a con's ploy is exposed, the victim will feel distaste within themselves to be allowed to be so duped and won't report it. Feeling self doubt in their own awareness of people's intentions, the aftermath of such a cruel betrayal leaves a person less self assured in their own judgment of reality .Taking advantage of gullible people is an art form. For an example then listen to Dante's Inferno description of the innermost circle of Hell in this excerpt.

THE LIAR

This is the hardest part to deal with because with every lie there is a grain of truth, and with every true statement there is a lie. Remember the adage, "I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant." Overtime they will be caught in their own web of lies. Listen to you own inner voice, don't be their puppet. Think logically, as Judge Judy says, "If it don't make sense then it's a lie."

Amazon

Users, Abusers, Manipulators

When first begin a friendship with a person, any warning signs of a manipulator are going to be subliminal. This is on how to defend yourself in office politics and other relationships where people use power plays to get you to do what they want you to do without you realizing it.

“Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you. ” - Pericles

I Don't Want to Play

A person unwilling to recognize the Machiavellian maneuvers of others, will leave themselves more open to becoming a victim in someone else's power plays. Know thy enemy. Know your own limitations and of your enemies and you can avail yourself from a trap.

A Pollyanna who thinks that being a non-player is possible will find themselves powerless to defend their mind and body. Avoiding stress related illness caused by working under a toxic person is the best reason to learn the techniques and tactics of defense. Control personal politics by empowering yourself with the knowledge of how the game is played.

A person does not have to become a vicious, corrupt, manipulative, insincere, power-hungry and unethical person to play the game in order to defend oneself. Machiavelli was not evil, just being realistic in how the world is.

“The supreme art of war is to subdue the enemy without fighting.” - Sun Tzu

Got Game?

What do you do when you feel out of control, helpless to overcome the tsunami of emotion overwhelming you? Do you stop to observe yourself as to why or blindly react? Emotions are valid but are you responding reasonably or reacting to the moment?

Suffering from acute severe emotional distress? Remember that "This to Shall Pass" - a proverb reminding you that all things are temporary. The philosophy of 'Living In the Now' is not always a path to happiness.

We cannot stop having emotions but don't have to be slaves to them. Think of the triggers that may cause emotional hijacking. People should not try to eliminate distress but regulate it somewhat. An unexpected stimulus is hard to respond and not react to. But imagine a known trigger of yours and how to respond graceful beforehand will help in any future scenario when someone is trying to push your hot buttons.

Do not become codependent on the approval of others because that is a sure sign to social predators that you can be a manipulated. Emotional health is part of taking care of your overall health. Self respect is needed to demand from your life a safe place to live and work, control your environment and allow yourself freedom from constant fear.

When I had to move to the highest crime ridden area of Honolulu Hawaii in the downtown Chinatown area, I mentally had in my hands a bible. I didn't need an actual bible to feel 'The Armor of God' and 'The Sword of the Spirit'. I just did not want to walk or act like a potential victim by having my shoulders hunched over in shame or the look of fear in my stature that would attract would be thieves or con artists.

The Smoke & Mirrors of Tezcatlipoca

“The secret of acting is sincerity. If you can fake that, you've got it made.” - George Burns

“Feigning wounds so as to gain an advantage in an attack is also a violation of international law. However, feigning injuries or even death to stop an attack is not.” - Scott Silliman

“And in this curious state I had the realization, at the moment of seeing that stranger there, that I was a person like everybody else. That I was known by my actions and words, that my internal universe was unavailable for inspection by others. They didn't know. They didn't know, because I never told them.” - Kim Stanley Robinson

“Be not the slave of your own past - plunge into the sublime seas, dive deep, and swim far, so you shall come back with new self-respect, with new power, and with an advanced experience that shall explain and overlook the old.” - Ralph Waldo Emerson

“In hindsight it may seem effortless, but there's a lot of work that goes into it. ” - Harry Connick

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Comments 93 comments

Wow, what a crappy, ummmm.......story? This is why people get to write "news" without being paid. Real journalists actually have to say something, not that I am saying that this is any way journalism or factual.

When I wrote this, all I could think of was how much the author clearly enjoys getting to be a "victim."

Fail.

affairwatch 6 years ago

Here is the situation:

I am sitting here in a famous chain-type lunch place, featuring attractive young ladies in shorts.... you know where I mean....I happen to be up in the midwest.

As I stare into my margarita, I have to think. I have 1.4 million frequent flyer miles, accumulated over the last 20 years, a lot of it spent in places much more unpleasant than this, trying to keep a roof over the head of my fat, idiotic wife. Those of you who are frequent flyers know exactly how miserable this is, after awhile....Bad food, no sleep, airports, other bullshit that you have to put up with including cretin bosses, endless pointless meetings, and the inevitable layoff, which I went through a couple of years ago.

About her: Master's degree, she has had one paycheck in her life, which she got in 1983 when she worked for some day care, and that stopped the week she found out she was PG. She gained 75 lbs in the 80;s when she popped out our second kid, and still has most of it.

Right now, while I am doing this, she is having lunch with some friends, or walking the dog, or some other pleasant activity while I am still having to put up with a dead end styrofoam job, in an industry that no one gives a shit about since all of the manufacturing has gone to china.....

I will come home tonight, tired from the airport and the long drive back out to suburbia, hit the button and drive into the garage in the house that I paid for over all of these years, and will walk into the kitchen. It will be a mess, shit on the counters, the sink full of dishes, a film of grease everywhere. The dog will greet me at the door but the wife will be glued to the TV. I will not be able to find clean clothes to wear to work tomorrow and there will be no food either on the table, in the fridge or anywhere else around. I am having a big lunch because I know this will be the case.

A few years ago, when our kids were around, it might have almost made sense. After all, those little kids are the most precious things in the world to us, and it is worth some sacrifice to the family finances and general order to have her not work and stay around to take care of them. If she was too tired at the end of the day to do a couple of little things to support me a little bit, I was willing to let that go. Having a loving mother meet them at the door when they come home made so much sense.... And guess what, they both are high achievers.....the strategy was brilliantly successful.

But, the youngest one graduated from high school years ago,and since then, I have to wonder WTF? y'know? Who the hell are you supporting now?

So for five years, she has basically been sitting on her ass, doing squat, while I have been out here in this unsatisfying job putting a roof over her head. You would think because of this at the very least she would keep herself in a state like one of these little knockout wait chicks that are walking around me, and screwing my lights out every night when I come home, but you know, if I am really lucky, I might get it in a week or two.....and it will be bad. She will roll over on her back, I will do what I have to do, and that will be it. It's not like I am some fat bald slug, either, I work my ass off to keep in some kind of shape.....you will have to trust me on this one.

I really ought to just dump her. Do I owe her one thing? No, I do not. But, in the eyes of the state of Texas if I do dump her, she will get half of "our" net worth I worked so hard to accumulate all of this time. Does that seem right? Well, there are reasons that the law is set up like it is.

There are also laws against going home and slapping the shit out of her, which is what I would really like to do. But I cannot do that. I am a lover, and not a fighter, and she is the way she is because I have allowed her to be that way. It is partly my fault.

So, I do not really want to dump her, I cannot really go home and beat her, so what's the next most hurtful thing I can do to her to get back at her.... I can go out and have an affair. I can find some little lady, kind, beautiful, that appreciates me as a person, and nail the hell out of her as often as I can get away with it. Yeah, I know, I'm breaking a commandment or two, but those laws were made up 6000 years before the jet airplane and the average life expectancy was 35, and also, if I am not mistaken, it was not at all unheard of for the men in that society to beat the hell out of their women if they were not in line.....

I am really tempted to sit her down and tell her this too.... and email it to all of her friends as well, along with the whole story. In a way, that would be fitting.... and might be the relationship equivalent of a two-by-four slapped upside the head. It's an option.

So what's the objection?

twilightstar 6 years ago from ireland

UMmmmmm...sounds exactly like the father of my 3 kids and partner of 12 years.EXACTLY.Well,now ex as of last few weeks,as he lined up the next 'VICTIM'..MAKING completely sure he had a new source to draw on.He did the exact same to the woman before me,which i only recently discovered.He kept tryin to get her back the whole while with me!Hes in honeymood period now!!!AHHhh,i remember it well,I also know he'll never change..and the day too will come for his sorries and i-love-yous.But because of 'STORIES' like above...'VICTIMS' like me..will think long and hard before PARASITES like my sweetie will ever be in our lives again.

Dolores Monet 6 years ago from East Coast, United States

What a great article. You hit the nail right on the head. People wonder how victims become subordinate to sociopaths and your explanation and the film tell just how that happens. I hope you don't mind me linking to this excellent hub.

ptosis 6 years ago from Arizona Author

Jeff Neil: Enjoy being a victim? That's like the rapist saying "she liked it." Thanks Jeff for you heartfelt comment.

AffairWatch: Thanks for the long rant. It appears a raw nerve has been touched within you. An empty marriage that you said yourself should be ended - yet your refusal is based solely on money. I have a feeling that is the only reason why your wife stays with you also. Justifying your infidelity because she not a svelte 20 year old waitress that lives on tips is shallow and callous. If really that bad then cut your losses and get out. But then if your life is still miserable when you're all by yourself, you won't have a ready scapegoat any more to blame for your unhappiness.

twilightstar: Thank for you comment. I wish you a happiness in your future.

Dolores Monet: You don't need permission to link to the page. I couldn't stop you anyway. Thank you for the comment!

Calling Crow 6 years ago

That was a hard nail on a hard shell!!! Excellent!!!

ptosis 6 years ago from Arizona Author

Thanks Calling Crow. Is a crow the same as a raven. ( thinking of Chistopher Walken's rendition of Edgar Allen Poe's "The Raven"

smileysmiley 6 years ago

For everything there is 3 sides: his side, her side and the unbiased truth.

I feel for you but I think that if I heard her side that I would feel for her too. I would feel bad for both of you even though I'm in a much worse situation. A situation for which I suffered only because I was in the wrong place at the wrong time.

But, I can self-pity myself for the fact that I did nothing to cause my detriment. You, on the other hand admit to creating the situation for which you now hate and wish to not be involved.

It sucks that we allow this kind of horrible scene to play out over and over. It's normal that you want out but it's even better that you feel responsible and for that reason don't feel that punishment would be completely justified.

AT least I hope that's how you feel.

I only have one piece of advice for you that may improve your situation:

Forget the past and forget the bad, just try to start over with her and no matter what kind of shit she throws your way, try to be the bigger person and rise above. Forgive her for being weak to the situation for which you helped create. It may take a lot of time and effort but if she eventually takes a step towards positive it will be you who benefits. On the other hand, if you try and try and continue to still try even after she has been nothing but shitty to you, you may not feel so bad about what ever kind of punishment you think she deserves.

But you gotta give her a chance, she may have allowed her brain to go to mush too so she may need a lot more time to realize what you are tryin to do, that you are tryin to improve yall's relationship

ptosis 6 years ago from Arizona Author

Thanks smileysmiley for your heartfelt comment. Man, it was very touching

RecoverToday 6 years ago from United States

This is one of the best descriptions of a con artist I have ever read! This is exactly what I have been trying to warn women about with my articles. You have perfectly described the manipulator in a way that hits very close to home for many, many women. Thank you for this outstanding information!

ptosis 6 years ago from Arizona Author

Thanks RecoverToday. It goes for both sexes though. In the movie 'Monster'(2003) based on the life of Aileen Wuornos, The convicting judge suppressed evidence that she had BPD and her first kill, Richard Mallory was a convicted sociopathic rapist.

Movie about a real life sociopath is "Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer," (1986)

Recent movie about a fictional sociopath is "No Country for Old Men", (2007)

kaltopsyd 6 years ago from Trinidad originally, but now in the USA

I like this Hub very much and your description of each type of person. Good Hub. Oh, and congratulations on your HubNugget Nomination!

donotfear 6 years ago from The Boondocks

I've read this twice & can't get over how much it reminds me of some er....uh....persons who used to manipulate me. I especially like your picture of the little guy with the pointy ears and the description below him of "Exploitive hypocrite that skillfully twists words, dodges and evades coupled with character assassination. " That is just too bad...I love it.

ptosis 6 years ago from Arizona Author

Thanks Kaltopsyd - I thougha HubNugget was like a McNugget unitl I got nominated. :)

ptosis 6 years ago from Arizona Author

Thanks donotfear, I did the vampire thing because I think they are not merey toxic - but soul-sucking.

ripplemaker 6 years ago from Cebu, Philippines

Congratulations for your Hubnugget Nomination in the Gender and Relationships Category! Yes sounds like a Mcnugget that's for sure. LOL

I just got out of a similar situation...He was loving, and compassionate, and understanding, and funny, and romantic.

He gradually became abusive...it hits you like a brick. You're already there but you have no idea how you got there and at that point you feel like you are in too deep.

He started calling me names and hitting me "jokingly". He would call me stupid, annoying, a bitch, a whore and every other name in the book when I was just sitting around reading. He stopped being affectionate in every way. I I were to hold his hand he would act like I was incredibly needy He make me feel bad for wanting even the smallest amount of attention but when I didn't want physical attention he would guilt me into it.

I felt trapped because I lived with him, I loved him, I wanted him to change so badly, I believed that he could change but I was wrong.

He would guilt me into a lot of things...or I would do what he wanted because I didn't want to get yelled at.

Whenever I would stand up for myself he would tell me that he is changing for me when really he was doing nothing and I was sacrificing things I loved for him.

He gradually became more and more violent.

Then he started threatening to hit me.

Then he actually hit me.

When I broke up with him he threatened to commit suicide.

He threatened to take me down with him.

He pinned me up against a wall with his hand on my throat threatening to choke me.

...despite all of these actions he would go on hour long rants about how I was the messed up one. Sometimes I would take it sometimes I would fight back.

Through all of this:

He admitted he had a problem and got my sympathy.

He constantly said he was trying to change.

He told me I was wrong and crazy and stupid so often that I started to believe it.

My friends told me I was wrong for staying with him but that just made me feel attacked from every angle.

I felt stupid, weak, and worthless.

I am very aware of my weaknesses but so was he and he knew how to manipulate every single part of me...

The thing is...I started to figure all of this out early on but I wanted to help him because I loved him.

The more I "helped" him the more worthless I felt.

Then one day; I had an epiphany.

No matter how hard I tried he would NEVER change and more importantly he didn't even WANT to change.

He was going to use up ever ounce of me until he either killed me emotionally or literally.

I never liked his abuse.

I never craved it.

I don't crave it.

I don't have a history with guys like that and the women that do well...It's not the woman who seeks out the abusive guy/woman, but the abusive guy that seeks you out.

I say you because it can happen to anyone.

A wrong place, wrong time, really wrong person who sees that you are at a vulnerable point in your life.

Nobody wants this, nobody craves this...

If you know someone who is in an abusive relationship, mental or physical:

Don't judge them.

Don't give up on them.

Offer to help them but don't force it upon them.

Be there for them when they need you.

I feel bad for the man I loved, the man I left because I won't make the same mistakes because now I know what to look for.

I believe he truly loved me but he couldn't get close to anyone with out making them feel worthless because that's how he felt. It brings a whole new meaning to the phrase, "You hurt the ones you love."

I feel sorry for him because he will go on repeating the same patterns...and lead a miserable life.

I wish I could say he will change for someone some day but statistics tell me otherwise.

ptosis 6 years ago from Arizona Author

OMG T what an awesome post. Thank you so much for sharing. A horrible story but one that needed to be told. Thank you so much.

fastfreta 6 years ago from Southern California

ptosis, what a great, great hub. I'm sure a lot of us can identify somewhat with some of this. I declare I was totally mesmerized. When I read that first response, I was mystified, did he read what I read. And poor T she really suffered, but glad to see she got out safe. I can't wait to read more. I truly love your writing.

As for your question, technically, no. The raven and the crow come from two different family genis. They are very similar, except that the raven is usually larger than the crow. . . . I just might hub this HAHA! At any rate, both are highly intelligent birds that tend to make and use tools in their daily hunting and/or building.

Check back with me and I will get more information up. Thanks for the idea :)

schoolgirlforreal 6 years ago from USA

ptosis

I relate ALOT to 'T'. NOt half as bad but unhealthy. very similar: suicide threats, manipulation etc

I've been trying to get out for 4 yrs but I feel awful alone. Otherwise I could get away asap. thou i got addicted to his uniqueness etc

Your writing is very impressive on this hub esp. I'm starting to feel you are very veery intelligent and that this happened to you.

I wish you the best. This is so evil--I don't understand it--like are these people possessed?!

schoolgirlforreal 6 years ago from USA

can you help me?

ptosis 6 years ago from Arizona Author

Hell Yeah it happened to me. And I just moved here and living alone and kinda lonely - so I'm still this loser magnet.

Being a codependent - have to create better fences. Learn up on codependency and how to be you own person. You are stronger than what you are other people think you are.

Hope your faith see you through.

schoolgirlforreal 6 years ago from USA

Thanks for the advice-SG

Kaitlyn Ann 6 years ago

i loved this! i was in an emotionally abusive relationship once, and i think you're doing a great thing and putting out the warning signs and you're really making people aware. You're saving lives, minds, and hearts with what you're doing. great job :)

ptosis 6 years ago from Arizona Author

Thanksx Kaitlyn Ann! Sometimes I worry if I'm just jaded and bitter - then again ....neah!

ptosis 6 years ago from Arizona Author

Mel Gibson is a Sociopath? He twice punched Oksana Grigorieva in the face while she was holding their baby. And the taped recordings released - you can hear how he admitted hitting her and that "she deserved it." He could face up to 4 years in jail time. The recording are distressing to listen to .

Nick B 6 years ago from Normandy, France

Well, Ptosis. I spent the better part of my youth watching my mother and step father battling it out and know exactly what you're talking about.

Oddly, she seemed to go from one abusive relationship to another, making her seem like she was some sort of magnet for creeps.

It's not nice to know that others have the same issues with these people, but it is strangely comforting to know that she isn't the only one this happens to.

I only wish that when it was happening, there was advice like this available. Then again, I don't know that she would have admitted then that there was anything wrong.

Keep up the good work.

ptosis 6 years ago from Arizona Author

Thankx Nick B - that was before having the biggest library in the world - the internet from which to learn from.

izettl 6 years ago from The Great Northwest

Really good informative hub. All true traits and I've been in a ton of relationships with many of these types. Brings back memories.

ptosis 6 years ago from Arizona Author

Bad Memories Huh? Yeah it's from my personal experience coupled with research. Once you know the signs - it's real easy to recognize. *SIGH* and that happens all to often....

Binthair 6 years ago

Well written, ptosis. You just described my wife. I got the trifecta: Love Bomber, Liar and Victim. Married five years, she's wiped me out, left me on the edge of homelessness (while she drives off in the car I bought her into her new 'use garçonnière' with a wealthy married father of four.

But as I say, No victims, only volunteers. Stick your hand in the fire you's gets burned. I should have been more observant.

ptosis 6 years ago from Arizona Author

I'm sorry to hear that. BTW - I didn't take my own advice on the article. I was ripped off by a conman that I KNEW to be a con man - and thought I could 'handle' John Lopez - but I got ripped off $160 in Sierra Vista.

Great hub! The comments were just as great. This is a lot to take in so I will be reading it again. I hope affairwatch's situation has improved.

sir slave 5 years ago from Trinity county CA.

everybody needs a little training early in adulthood on how to identify and deal with sociopaths...awesome info

and neat selection of topix!

Maevainwen Adaniel 5 years ago

Wow, my best friend nearly got involved with a guy who a trifecta. He seemed all nice but there was something seriously wrong about him. Just before she was about to start a relationship with him she found out that he stalks his now married ex girlfriend and threatens her. She's scared that he'll do the same to her now that she's broken off the friendship and has got a different guy. What can she do?

What I did in the past: Went Right up to his face nose to nose and told him that I'll kill him if he kept bothering me. Flared nose and angry burning eyes helps to convince him that I'm not such an easy target.

Maevainwen Adaniel 5 years ago

Thank you so much, ptosis. I will tell her to do that. I really appreciate that :)

ptosis 5 years ago from Arizona Author

Maevainwen Adaniel - make sure she has an equalizer or a friend in the background

Serena Gabriel 5 years ago

Very good article. And, some pretty interesting comments.

Is that affairguy comment for real? If he isn't for real, the situation he describes is.

What I don't understand is why these guys insist on trying to have sex with women who clearly don't want them, but they do it anyway and then complain about it. The woman is stuck with you, fella. It's called a marriage license and you think it's your certificate of ownership. And, we know that nobody listens when we say, No." And, if we say it often enough we end up getting sexually brutalized. The term for this is marital rape. It's why there are so many divorces!

I watched the video, too. Short, but very good. I wanted to hear more from this lady because I've been there, too. I had a romantic thing going with a guy for about 6 months once. I had no idea he was married and had three children! I was devastated when I found out and that was when I first saw what remarkably convincing liars sociopaths could be. They will create a world for you and then destroy it and you in the process.

Accolades!

embarrassed 4 years ago

In the last year, I have allowed a master manipulator into my life. I really, really should have known better but he just walked into my life and turned me inside-out. This article, of all the many I have read, really pins down exactly what happened in my case and describes this guy perfectly. I tend to want to analyze, then pigeon-hole disruptive things in my life, but I realize now, it doesn't matter. With very little effort, my boss found a way to jump into my life and my head, then almost destroy me. I am still reeling from his behavior towards me, which, thankfully, never became physical even though he did hit on me. He was always guarded and surreptious, but sometimes would say things that knocked me off my feet and made me think he truly cared. I was not listening to my gut because most of the time it was screaming at me to stop getting sucked into this cycle of caring followed by complete neglect. He'd jump into my life and world, then cut me off like a dead fish on a line. Snap! The details don't matter but suffice to say he got fired (not because of me) and every day that I go to work, I can still see and feel him around me and visualize us talking in this room, that corner, sharing stories, laughing and connecting. He tried to make me think we had a connection and I went right for it. Now, my already low self-esteem is completely gone, I still want to talk to him and straighten things out but I realize that can't happen as there is nothing to straighten out. I SO look forward to the day when I can let him go!! The funny part is that I wasn't really attracted to him. HE came on to me, reeled me in, then lied and dumped on me. I just want the pain and insecure feelings gone and to stop wasting my life on this piece of crap person. Thank you for this excellent piece that so well describes my experience. I have bookmarked it so that I can read and re-read during those bad times I have.

embarrassed 4 years ago

correction: surreptitious

My confidence is so shattered, I don't want to look as stupid as I feel. Thanks

ptosis 4 years ago from Arizona Author

Don't be embrrassed. Just be glad he's gone. I also felt that way - when I relaized you don't need a romatic relationship to fell foolish when realize the betrayal. It happens to everyone.

embarrassed 4 years ago

Thx, ptosis, you don't know how right on your article is...I've looked at my situation from every angle and have never really formulated things the way you have and it all makes so much sense. In all my years and I'm not a youngster, I've never met anyone who's affected me this way. As he was getting in deeper and deeper trouble at work and personal life, I decided I was sick of putting up with his s as well. I did *NOT* feel sorry for him as he was never straight with me and just twisted me into a pretzel, albeit I allowed it but he was so so smooth. I let him know that he had hurt *me* too and was responsible for it. He started going off about how he had only committed sins of omission, not commission against me so it was not a big deal!! He liked to talk religion and also made a lot of religious comments during our "friendship." I'm sure it was shoved down his throat as a kid and he's dying of guilt because of it. I couldn't care less...so hurt and angry. Time I hope will heal this. I am just beginning to really understand what happened!!

Again, you are one astute person....you've got to have a background in psychology?? And a hell of a lot of good common sense.

ptosis 4 years ago from Arizona Author

The guy is not feeling guilty at all, he just uses the bible as a tool to shut people up and rationalize.

embarrassed 4 years ago

True..another interesting thing I've realized is that he never used "I" statements when commenting about me...instead of "I really like you or care about you," it was "In my eyes you can do no wrong." What the hell is that? Biblical again. I think it was an invite to the broom closet. Since I didn't bite, and he had so much other stuff going on in his life (and I assume many women), I'm sure he was prob only humoring me so I wouldn't rat him out. But why ask me over to his house for the day when we were both recuperating from surgeries? Why look at me when he didn't think I was looking with such a look of love on his face? Why send me 20 emails when I tried to end our "friendship" because he was acting so inconsistently. Even as I type, I realize it doesn't matter. He had an agenda that was all about him and didn't include me. I so badly want to know the truth. And I know that even if I called and asked him, I would only get lies, smoke and mirrors. It's so frustrating. My obsessive nature doesn't help at all to let it go. Thx for all the help and *therapy*, ptosis. Sorry you had to go through this nightmare. Learning about this condition has provided a lot of comfort as well as the frustration. It's good knowing I'm not alone and I feel others' pain. It's taking a long time for the sun to come out again though.

embarrassed 4 years ago

I promise to shut up after this comment, but I also want to just cringe when I think that I said things to him like, "You're in my heart," and "I care about you," and "I want what's best for you," and "Can I get a hug before my surgery?" I confided many personal things to him. In response to all of this I got a blank stare. When he confided in me, of course, being an empath, I responded. I don't understand how or why I allowed this abuse. I never got a hug and when I left for surgery, he said, "Have fun with that." However, when I got home, there was an email waiting for me about how I was going to fully recover, "you know that, don't you?" Then when I got home from the hospital, 2 more notes that said, "I can't wait to see you!" What? Why? I need to *believe* in this guy's illness and try to get this to flow to my gut and live there. Intellectually I get it, but there's that little voice that says, "He just wasn't into you and then stayed involved in your life so you wouldn't tell his boss what he was up to." Why does it matter? He totally confused me and I so wanted to believe in him. I recall one time, I flicked his back when he got back from vacation as I walked past him...he didn't even turn around. I made excuses for that, for everything negative and abusive he did and hung onto those little + things that were just fluff.

ptosis 4 years ago from Arizona Author

Here's a url written by a socio on how to deal with socio's. So it's obvious that they realize what they are doing and it not an unintentional disease. Socio's are not considered insane.

@ http://www.prisontalk.com/forums/showthread.php?t=... NurseJacqui82 says: "As an RN ive worked with People who have been clinically Dx as ASPD ( AKA psychopath/sociopath ). You will tend to see alot of these people in Prison because they have a pervasive patturn of disregard for the rights of others, and breaking laws, that usually begins in childhood. These people are behaviorally impulsive and interpersonally irresponcible, meaning they make impulsive decisions, break the law, and have a very hard time with relationships because of their lack of respect for other people."

(I copied her comment the way she wrote it, spelling errors & all)

embarrassed 4 years ago

These are excellent sites and as I read I wonder if this crummy guy was just a hypersexual nut looking for someone to play 2nd string on Wed just in case one of his girls didn't show up. He did start and keep the ball rolling with me but in hideous, punishing ways, which made me feel humiliated. Then when someone reported him for something (I have no idea what happened), he became crazed and tried like hell to keep me on his side, of course. I was so vulnerable, I thought he cared but I saw the signs all along. He was barely there. Maybe it's all me just fantacizing and being needy. He did try to call me a few times on his last day at the office (I was home sick) and I avoided his calls as he had been so crazy (desperate) and I was just too anxious and shocked to talk to him. He never tried again. Even a passive -aggressive nut + socio + mal narc + master manipulator with severe David Duchovny-itis would care enuf to find a way to touch base. I think he was just not that into me. I am 12 years older. I need to find a way to get out of the obsessive thinking...he was and I guess, still is, a huge distraction for me and if he had come after me, professed his love and really wanted a relationship, I probably would have fled. I'm not all that healthy either...

Hope folks get a lift and maybe some old-fashioned reminders about their worth from this...it's a huge defense against those who would try to make us feel worthless, which is one of the most important things these pathetic soul-sucking creatures try to do to people. Caring about yourself is their silver stake.

Not a bad idea ptosis! Thanks for being a terrific and caring person - I guess you know how much I appreciate it. You're right about the teeth....my nightguard has holes in it.

I Am 4 years ago

Much to my dismay, disgust, AND regret, I married the 'con' 41 years ago. I'll be 60 years old in 2 months, and let me tell you; I have been through hell.

I'm too old and too sick to even try to start a new life. But, what time I do have left on this earth will be on MY terms. I've considered my Creator while contemplating these 'terms' during the past few years. I had to; I've no doubt whatsoever that He carried me many times when I wasn't even able to move.

I wasn't a saint (there are no saints), but I was pretty damn close to it. I bore his children, provided him a clean, safe and loving home, home-cooked meals, etc.

I was there for him mentally, physically, emotionally and even spiritually. There for his ups, his downs and all his in-between's. While I was 'there', he wasn't.

Looking back, it was strange how he managed to manufacture excuses to be 'absent' most of the time.

He was an excellent lair and con. He still is.

I couldn't even begin to tell the half of it here in this comment section. It's much too long and, quite frankly, unbelievable. No joke, this is 'book' material. So much so that a friend that I'd met, approximately 13 years ago, suggested that I write a book. Looking back, I do believe she was right.

Tacking these past 13 years on to what I'd already told her, it'd probably make the top 10 list.

If I have ample time left, I just might take her up on that suggestion.

Well, thank you for allowing me to rant and thank you for your time. This was indeed an interesting article.

Peace, Love & Laughter To All ~ Have A Great Weekend!

ptosis 4 years ago from Arizona Author

Wow - I wrote this hub in order to stop grinding my teeth and I always suggest to other to do the same because we need emotional closure and writing doesn't land you in jail. (in the US)

Good Luck and live well.

bonbon64 4 years ago

ptosis, I gleaned a lot from your article. I've been recovering from an abusive/narcissistic marriage for six years now (left him in '06). I keep reading articles, and it helps. So thanks!

ptosis 4 years ago from Arizona Author

Yeah, personal experience does suck doesn't it? And there is no intervention whatsoever for others. Like this 44 yr old socio who just met his 21 next-ex.

He tells her that he is mean, (wouldn't an 'honest socio' be an oxymoron?) - yet she commented on how nice he is. I tried to tell her that she is in the 'love bomb' stage - but - I don't think she was really listening.

The eternal unanswered question I should research on is: why young beautiful woman go for the nasty, ugly, tattooed, prison-face bad boys? Is it a genetic answer or a mental one? That could my next hub.

Virtual Treasures 4 years ago from Michigan

Again, ptosis, great hub with great information. Voted up and awesome and I'm honored you have a link to one of my hubs. That must be where all the traffic is coming from your page! Thanks! Anyway, it's amazing to me to start hearing how many people have had experiences with people like this. I just don't understand how some people are able to shut their emotions down and treat people like they do not matter. It is so sad to me.

ptosis 4 years ago from Arizona Author

VT:I think that perhaps people born with no emotions ( it's a brain thing) and they are cold - as reptiles - and the rest of us are the prey.

ptosis 4 years ago from Arizona Author

SPELL CASTERS SPAMMERS: Don't bother with spamming - I will deny, mark as spam and deleter you forever. You are wasting time by posting here as a guest spamming about something that has nothing to do with this article! Have you even read this article? Obviously not - just because this hub is under 'Relationship Problems and Advice ' doesn't mean that people here want to return to being abused. Just read the title folks. How dumb can you spammers be? I've deleted 10 spam posts on this hub here alone.

Time wasters.

billybuc 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

Been there, experienced that, ain't going back again! You have painted the picture well, and your suggestions are sound. Judging from some of the comments you have hit a nerve with a few. It is hard to spot these behaviors early on in a relationship, but once they have been spotted we need to find the Exit door as quickly as possible.

Express10 3 years ago from East Coast

"If it doesn't make sense then it is a lie." These words are so true and apply in all kinds of relationships. When you are being lied to, the person doesn't respect you and will continue to lie for their own selfish reasons. You cannot be number one with a liar. You have written a useful hub. Great job.

ptosis 3 years ago from Arizona Author

Thanks Express10 ( looked like expresso first )

catherinetodd 3 years ago

Jeff Neil sounds like the perfect abuser that this article is about! Excellent example of the kind of people we are trying to avoid. Thanks for showing your true colors, creep!

vocalcoach 2 years ago from Nashville Tn.

I do believe you've made Hub Page History. Never, have I been so impressed (and entertained) with this list of comments. I'd say they are long - but that would be cutting it short :)

Magnificent post. I've spent the last hour here. *chuckling*.

CraftytotheCore 2 years ago

These are such important life skills, especially for young women to learn, before stepping in to a committed relationship. Some people are master manipulators. It can be detrimental to stay in a relationship with someone who is devious.

There was a book I read quite a few years ago called Men who Hate Women and Women who Love them. It talked about men with master egos that perpetrate these scenarios to gain trust of unsuspecting women to use them and then crush them.

hotwebideas 2 years ago from New York

Great hub and voted up. I used to always be affected by those types of negative people, but you learn the hard way.

I think people get taken advantage of because they want to be liked, but others just don't care. They will take advantage of those people who let them.

My new attitude is that if the person does not care enough about me to be nice to me, then why would I give them any different respect?

ptosis 2 years ago from Arizona Author

Thank you vocalcoach very much! :):)

Thank you Craftyto the Core!

Thank yhou hotwebideas!

ptosis 16 months ago from Arizona Author

I remember when my nieghbor Christine "blossemed" after meeting Harvey? How happy she was. Then I read that, "Psychopaths’ partners commonly lose weight, dress better, find better employment, pursue more interesting hobbies, all of which may appear to be positive signs. But they’re not if these self-improvements remain motivated by the desire to gain the psychopath’s approval or avoid his disapproval. "

"Studies show that emotional abuse intermixed with small acts of kindness can bond some victims to their abusers even more than consistent good treatment can. It’s rare that a psychopath physically coerces a woman to get involved with him or to stay with malignant narcissist. Although he intimidates and brainwashes her, generally the victim cooperates.

Those who suffer from Stockholm Syndrome develop an unhealthy positive attachment to their abusers. They come to accept the abuser’s lies and rationalizations for his bad behavior. They sometimes also assist the abuser in harming others."

I printed this and have been studying it. It has so much information for the gullible and unaware. Some of us need to carry around a copy at all times to contemplate and understand our weaknesses and build our strengths.

The idea of the fence is what I found most important. Simple but effective to visualize and maintain.

Thank You for these sad insights into human tendencies.

I am wondering if manipulators attract manipulators!

ptosis 9 months ago from Arizona Author

+Kathryn L. Hill: co-dependents attract manipulators

Kathryn L Hill 9 months ago from LA

Maybe co dependents are manipulating due to their lack of self knowledge and strength. They know how to attract the more dominating types. Then they regret it when the tyrannies and the injustices show up.

It seems if you give power to others they run with it. Often in a deviated way.

It seems to be human nature to not take power responsibly/with proper restraint. Empathy, kindness and respect go out the window when one is drunk on power.

And who gave it to them???? The "co dependent."

catherinetodd 9 months ago

Why anyone would blame the "codependent" for "the more dominating types" bad behavior is beyond me.

Talk about blaming the victim! Are rape victims to be blamed for "lack of self knowledge and strength?"

I woud put responsibility where it belongs: on the abuser. Then I would suggest that people support each other in resisting the abuser's behavior. Instead of finding fault with their victims.

Self-awareness must be learned. Telling a "codependent" that "they gave their abuser the power" is ineffective, if they are not able to withstand their force.

I am a strong person, but there is always going to be someone stronger. Until people put a stop to abusers emotional control by SUPPORTING each other, abusers will continue in their evil deeds.

Blaming the victim leaves us all with nowhere to go. Add insult to hurt; vinegar and salt in the wounds.

catherinetodd 9 months ago

Please delete my first comment! I tried to edit it (to the second one) and thought I did, but then both have shown up!

I should not have expressed personal anger towards "kathryn hill" or any individual here. Delete both if you want, but the first one for sure.

THANK YOU. Catherine Todd

Kathryn L Hill 9 months ago from LA

Catherine Todd. I disagree with both posts. I think your point of view makes for an interesting conversation, so I am glad no one removed them.

I am not afraid to look at the truth. Rape victims are usually to blame. They put themselves in a vulnerable / precarious position due to wanting acceptance or whatever. The weak always seek out acceptance and manipulators are SOOOOO willing to give it. The weak then attribute it to their own imagined strengths and unearned glory of some type…

Well, Kathryn, you certainly do have an interesting viewpoint. I am glad you showed your true face.

Perhaps if you are ever raped or abused you may change your mind, as if they could "recognize" someone coming out from the shadows behind them with a gun or a knife and overpower them. In that event, I hope you remember your own words... and the cruelty and disrespect you have put out into the world.

I'm sorry to see this website become infected in this way. I will be leaving this conversation for good. I don't need these kinds of attitudes or posts infecting my inbox or my life.

catherinetodd 9 months ago

Kathryn, I think your own words describe your personality perfectly:

"Empathy, kindness and respect go out the window when one is drunk on power."

Sounds like your comments! I have never met a person as mean and nasty as the one who posted your comments. Perhaps someone is posting using your name!

Kathryn L Hill 9 months ago from LA

I have gotten into very hot water by expressing this opinion …. especially to my sister in law who had been raped. I was pretty much thrown out of the house.

Sorry to offend you.

In my particular experience I was thrown on the ground and expected to put up with unasked-for advances. I had been walking in town and had heard a voice inside my mind saying very clearly: "Do not take a ride with anyone." I did not listen to that voice. A brown convertible pulled up and the driver, a nice enough looking guy, asked if I wanted a ride. I jumped right in. He took me up to the mountains rather than to my destination. ULP! Should have listened to my higher self!

Kathryn L Hill 9 months ago from LA

… to end this miserable anecdote, I burst into tears and the dominator type psychopath felt sorry for me and stopped his shenanigans.

ptosis 9 months ago from Arizona Author

+catherinetodd I deleted your first comment as requested.

ptosis 9 months ago from Arizona Author

+Kathryn L Hill I BS'd my way out of some things myself that a bunch of times I could've been really hurt, but that doesn't give you the right to feel so damn superior. Wow. When the Mayor of Cologne said it was all the girls fault for being mobbed groping and raped I was so mad from clenching my jaw from such an asinine response - from a woman no less who should know better - My jaw all swelled up. so I had to write it out and laugh about it or lose more teeth from gnashing of the teeth and clenched jaw: http://hubpages.com/politics/The-Bacon-Defense

Kathryn L Hill 9 months ago from LA

I am speaking of America and the culture I have grown up in. I know nothing of that part of the world. I am not stupid. You must think I am. I am saying girls need to be cautious and protective. You can't flaunt your stuff as we all know girls in America do. You can't act like everything is just fine hooking up and thereby jeopardizing your independence and freedom to those who decide to take advantage of the situation or really just fall in love. After all, scientifically speaking, sex and love are closely related in the human brain. Don't turn on the sexual instinct / love if you don't want to commit. Is this stipulation too much to ask?

ptosis 9 months ago from Arizona Author

+Kathryn L Hill Americans like to boast that we’re “the freest country on earth,” and yet half the population doesn’t even feel free enough to go for a walk at night. Unlike the status of women in Afghanistan under the ghastly Taliban, women in the United States are allowed to go out. Fanatic men in government don’t issue edicts to prevent them from exercising their basic freedom of movement. Instead, the widespread fear of men’s violence does the trick. - Jackson Katz, 2006

Brief summary of widely circulated rape myths:

Women must really want to be raped because any woman could really get away if she wanted to.

Women “ask for it” by the way they dress or the places they go.

Women never really mean “no.”

Women are not really harmed by rape.

Women lie about rape following a regretful night of consensual sex.

Women enjoy or are sexually aroused by rape.

Virtually all rape myths share a common theme — it is a woman’s fault if she is raped — the offenders are innocent.

ptosis 8 months ago from Arizona Author

Calculated Behavior

Most victims ask if the abuser knows what he's doing. The answer is "yes." The police abuser, even more than a civilian abuser, knows exactly what he wants to accomplish and how to do it. - read more here: http://www.abuseofpower.info/Book_Abuse.htm