Thursday, November 6, 2008

Keeping it real

The delicate net of home, with its everyday doings, projects, gatherings, relationships, laughter, cooking, baking, crafting, plans and friendships is a joy and blessing. However, we cannot forget that home and family means life - real, down-to-earth life. Sometimes this life is not as clean, neat, pretty and peaceful as we wanted it to be, or thought it would be. Sometimes our plans go amiss - and it's normal.

I've had people incredulously ask me if there's "anything at all I dislike about being a homemaker". To this, I can only say: ladies, life at home isn't, nor is it supposed to be, a bed of roses or a never-ending holiday. Homemaking has its frustrations and downfalls, but hey, can't the same be said just about any job? Yes, there will be days when we are unorganized, unmotivated, when things just seem to be falling out of our hands, or an unexpected flu delays our plans. Still, it doesn't change the big picture - the one of making a house into a true, heart-warming home, which is a special, noble, and irreplaceable occupation.

I'm not perfect - and I will never be perfect. I doubt I "have it all together" more than any of you ladies. I'm a young wife and soon-to-be-Mom with a lot to learn and improve about my character, attitude, skills, abilities, organization, planning, and anything you can think of. What I write on my blog rarely conveys my everyday frustrations; instead, I try to focus on the more profound, lingering satisfaction of being a wife and having my own home to tend to. It doesn't mean that I always hop around sweeping the floors with an enthusiastic smile on my face, but I do love my home.

Yes, sometimes I groan when I notice the sink loaded with dishes just when I was about to take an afternoon nap. Yes, sometimes I'm still in the frenzy of cleaning and cooking when my husband comes home, because I've been too tired during the day, and wasted too much time. My life doesn't consist entirely of peaceful bliss, but I do love being a wife and a keeper of my home. The solution isn't running away from home to leave it neglected, just because we are frustrated by the slow and tedious process of making it into the cozy nest we want it to be.

Also, when I talk about the beauty and peace of home, I'm often told, "Oh, just wait until you have that baby! You'll never have a peaceful moment again! You will never be able to spend time together with your husband, or enjoy a quiet dinner together, or do any of the things you love."

As we haven't had our baby yet, it's indeed difficult for me to predict what will happen when this little one joins us, but I can already tell you this: I don't expect we'll have a baby who smiles and coos all day, lets me know she's hungry or needs her diaper to be changed by gentle, delicate sounds, and sleeps throughout the night from the moment she is born. Little ones do keep Mom on her feet, and need, at least for a while, lots of undivided attention. Having a baby will produce a shift in our schedule, availability, mobility, plans, routine, and family dynamics. And yes, from observing other Moms with young babies, I expect that for a while we'll feel as though everything else is put aside. I pray for a gentle, patient and contented spirit to help me be a good mother, but I absolutely cannot guarantee I will never be frustrated or exhausted. Most likely I will be, at least at some point.

However, seasons change. I suspect it might be a bit difficult to look a couple of months ahead after you've just had a sleepless night with a colicky or teething baby, but undeniably, everything comes and goes. Babies eventually start to eat less frequently and sleep in longer stretches. They grow; the older children help around the house and with new little ones; the entire family network is dynamic - it shifts, changes, adjusts, and from more experienced Moms I've heard the advice that it's better to just let go, and go with the flow of whatever needs to be done at the moment.

I'm sure I will never be "Mrs. Perfect Mom". I can already say this with a good degree of certainty, because I'm merely a woman, flesh and blood, a faulty human being. Perhaps many evenings in the near future will include burned dinner, unanswered phone calls, and a crying baby. However, if some peace and stability are eventually to be achieved, where will it happen if not in the realm of home? Will I gain freedom, contentment and peace if I give up the care of my home and tiny baby over to someone else, and instead run around frazzled all day at an outside job? Somehow, I seriously doubt it.

I'm not perfect, just as none of us is perfect. Our family is as real and has as many real-life faults and challenges as you can think of. This journal is of my dreams, hopes, plans, and moments I like to remember and cherish. I'm on an ongoing journey of learning and improvement, and sometimes it feels as though I take two steps forward and one step backward. But as long as I keep it real and preserve, the rewards are sweeter than I could ever have imagined.

27 comments:

Beth
said...

Hi Anna,

This was a great post, and one that I needed to hear today, after a few months of many ups and downs in our family.

It is really important to remember that richness of life is not something that magically "happens", but rather is purchased by prayer and hard work. So many women are deceived into thinking that because their life does not resemble "the perfect family", that they are a failure, or that this means they are not cut out to be homemakers; or that making a home for their families is not a worthwhile occupation-- not realizing that the ups and downs are normal and are a part of life, whatever one's occupation may be.

Thanks for the great job you do with your blog, as you weave a beautiful tapestry out of whatever materials the Lord hands to you each day! Praying all your readers will be strengthened to do the same. I know your post has strengthened me today--to help me focus beyond my present hardships, and to passionately pursue the goal of bringing as much of God's beauty and love as I can into my home today, *in spite of* the hard parts. "Through God we will do valiantly!.."(Psalm 60:12)

Excellent post, Anna! You seem to be walking on the ground, and not with your head in the clouds. And babies don't make life a mess~ they add blessing, and even help to make you more organized. You have a great outlook!

>>You will never be able to spend time together with your husband, or enjoy a quiet dinner together, or do any of the things you love."<<

With one I didn't find it so bad. Having difficulty with those things now that I have two though. ;) If you can function on slightly less sleep, you can get in lots of husband time after the kids go to bed. Also you are fortunate your mother (and inlaws?) live relatively close so I'm sure your mother will want to babysit from time to time. ~Erica

I had to respond to the comment about ". . . wait until you have that baby!"

Life won't be the same, but that doesn't mean you'll never had peace or a quiet moment with your husband. You will probably go through a time of transition where your household will find it's way to it's new normal. But once you're there, there is no reason you can't have nice dinners, time with your husband, and peace. You can have all those things - with the added bonus of your little blessing sleeping in the other room.

I have four children ages 18, 15, 12 and 10. I have stayed home since I was expecting the first one. In the beginning, when I always had two in diapers and a husband who worked a lot, it was overwhelming. I wasn't very organized and I always wanted help. Help is a good thing and you should take it if it's offered, but my biggest problem back then wasn't my babies, my stay-at-home status or my husband's work schedule. It was my attitude. Your attitude is great, so you'll likely have peace even in the midst of crying babies and burned dinners. I wish I had learned that lesson earlier. Now with my children being older I have plenty of time, most weeks, to do the things homemakers enjoy doing. My children have been trained to help in the home and to help each other, so some days I actually feel guilty because I'm not doing more. They can handle it so well, I sometimes step in and do something in the house just to remind myself that family is a team effort. They still need me to supervise, and the home is still my little kingdom, but it doesn't take kids long to learn to pitch in, be responsible for their own things, and sleep through the night. You will love being a mom; don't let anyone tell you differently.

"Oh, just wait until you have that baby! You'll never have a peaceful moment again! You will never be able to spend time together with your husband, or enjoy a quiet dinner together, or do any of the things you love."

Be encouraged my dear-- that's a bunch of baloney! Those mothers just must've been disorganized and had their priorities all messed up.

As I write, one son is eating his cereal quietly, the baby is happily sucking on something quietly, and my husband is getting ready for work. The house is SO peaceful and full of love.

Partying all the time,Dr. & Mrs. Correa, parents of TWO BOYS-- a 3 year old and an 8 month old! (Doesn't stop us!)

Lovely post.It's so true, homemaking has its wonderful tasks, and its mundane, even grungy ones. Personally, I would love to stay home full time only because none of the tasks -lovely or mundane- get magically done when I'm at my part time job. The house and family pretty much demand the same attention whether you stay at home or not.Of course, since I work part time I can afford cleaning help (for all the really grungy tasks) and my husband pitches in more than he would were I to stay home full time. So I guess I should see the positive!As for babies changing lives. It is so true, but it also depends on the baby and the family. I remember when we had our first, he cried nonstop for weeks. My husband and I looked at each other in shock, kind of like 'what have we gotten ourselves into'. For months I could hardly do anything but take care of baby. In contrast, when baby number two was born, we looked at each other in shock once again....because he was so quiet and undemanding. Nevermind that since then, they have changed roles!My point: most families will have at least one child, if not more, that will demand a lot of attention. Some children will even dominate family life well into their teen years. It has far less to do with education than with the different personalities God gives each child.Of course, there will always be the lucky family where children quietly beam and play nicely all day, and babies sleep all night. But these are the exception to the rule (and, I've found, even there, there are often hidden problems not exposed to the casual observer). Raising kids is not a piece of cake, although the rewards are well worth it.Tammy

From someone who had two bad pregnancies and two c/s... the best thing you can do to prepare for anything is what you are doing right now.

You have routines. You have a sparkly clean home where the corners and backs of the closets are well-organized and clean. Are you going to see the backs of those places for the next year or so? Probably not! But they can wait.

The first few months of having a new baby is a lot like parent boot camp. But that's okay! It's only a few months.

Well, I have an 8 week old and perhaps I am disorganized and have priorities messed up, but it is hard to find a quiet moment these days. I know it will get better, eventually, bu that doesn't make it easier now! I find it hard because all the mothers I know seem to project that their life is wonderful and perfect....and mine isn't that way. Which leaves me wondering if I'm a bad mother....

Anon, I don't believe you are a bad mother, and I doubt anyone thinks so. Life IS wonderful, but it's not perfect and no one said it's supposed to be. I expect MAJOR adjustments with a newborn and have no reason to think we won't have any frictions as the rubber hits the road. 8 weeks old is really, really young, so just hang in there.

I agree with Linda's comment that the sentiments about life after a baby is born is exaggerated. When our first daughter was born, we were so blessed with a baby who was pleasant and slept through the night. Personally we chalk that up to breastfeeding on demand and co-sleeping (I know others may disagree.)

Also, when our daughter was 13 months old, before she could even walk, we had twin girls join our family. And while it was certainly an adjustment, we STILL had pleasant babies. Children are a blessing!

I just posted on this very thing last night. There are moments when I want to worry about just me. There are times when I have threatened to run screaming naked through the neighborhood if I don't get some more sleep (my family, all of them, didn't even blink an eye, they knew I wasn't going to let my thighs see the light of day no matter how tired I was :) but there is a thought that stops me in my tracks. If this is hard for me, if this takes unwavering dedication, if this is MY kid and I want to strangle her for disobeying for the 40th time in 60th minutes...how could I ever leave her with someone who is NOT her Mama? I can't, no one else will be dedicated, no one else will try, once again to explain why you don't put your baby sister in a headlock, no one else will pull amazing things out of the baby's mouth...over and over again all day long, no one will teach character and integrity and being a lady, no one will stay and hold and rub a screaming baby for four hours straight...but me. CAUSE I AM THEIR MAMA! And if the dishes are dirty, and I am not sporting clean clothes and The General and I have to make a "date" out of driving the kids to the doctors...so be it. We are working towards eternity here people....not trying to make it desperatly to the point of the day where we can lock the kids in the bedroom and watch sex in the city...or whatever.

Mothers are warriors, we are in a battle with eternal consequences, now MOUNT UP, GET YOUR ARMOUR ON AND GO TO WAR! No one gets awards for running from the battle. You got to run towards it and give it all you got..until you die.

Your points were beautifully put regarding the joy of imperfect living and choosing your focus.

I have three children, two who are grown and in their early twenties, and my youngest who is now 16.

My first child was a mystery to me. I must admit, it was a jarring change in lifestyle as I was not used to babies, had no mother or older woman to help me with advice on what was normal and what was not, and was a bit self-centered at the time.

For guidance, I very often turned to prayer and books ("Dare to Discipline" changed my life). I wish we had had the internet (it didn't exist in the late '80's) as it does so much to offer advice and relieve the feeling of being isolated. Even still, a Mother's Love is an amazing thing. With time, I adjusted to the point where I hardly noticed any unpleasantness and, instead, focused on the pleasure and joy found in loving and being loved.

As for time alone with my husband, we were blessed. He worked evenings, so I would put the children to bed and we would have our time together each evening when he arrived home. Once he began working days, we made a conscious effort to have our movie nights once a month, or stayed up late together after the kids went to bed. Twice a year we left the children with my dad and went away for a weekend alone together. Nothing fancy, a cabin in the mountains, or the like. It was so hard for me to leave, but absolutely worth it and necessary for a healthy marriage. It's all about planning ahead when the children are young.

In February we will celebrate our 26th wedding anniversary and he is now, more than ever, the great love of my life. So, as you say, every thing has its season and every season will pass. The secret is to cherish the good and valuable in each...underplaying the negative as much as possible...what we focus on magnifies.

Anna, I love your posts! This one is great, and I agree with every letter written.I have 3 y o and 5 m o children and I must say - routines and understanding of our role in life makes everything possible - even peacefull moments. Not only that - we HAVE TO teach our children how to have peace, live quietly, gently and at ease.

And I will ask you something. Do you think you could aks for me some of experienced ladies that you have contacts one question I have.I wasn't raised by sahm; I only recently found the beauty of homemaking and simple family life. I am much better now than I used to be, but I understand not only that I should improve myself - I should make my expectations of myself as a homemaker - bigger. Let me explain this of silly sounding idea. Women who I had as a role models in my family and neighbourhood (btw I am from Croatia, postcomunist country) would stay at home few month, or a year with new baby, waiting that time to just go by. After that time, they would go to work, saying that they work because they enjoy going away from home, where they have some peace and fun with other people. Consequently, they never builded home, nor they found it important.I was told that a year with the baby must simply survived. You can put everything aside - pay for help, do nothing but cook and take care of the baby. When you are back to work - somebody else doest "boring" and "demanding"! things for the baby all day, and you just enjoy playing and walking aroung. But, I have two children, a home, and we hope God might bless us with few more children - meaning that I should live as if I am in some kind of emergency situation for next 2o years. That is not the option. Now, with a boy who is not going to daycare - although all my friends think I am crazy for "torturing myself with imposible 3-years old and a baby at home" I manage to keep a home in order, I cook, do some writing, gardening and crafts... but I still see I can do more. My children are the best when they see busy mom. Older son just sneaks next to me wathching me doing this or that.So, dear ladies with experience - what are all the things that mom can do while alone (no help) with small children at home? Inspire me! Tell me your experinces so that I have something to build my expectations on! Thank you, dear ladies! God bless!

I too was raised by a mother who worked. Sadly, by the time I was nine, she was so sick she could no longer work, but stayed at home, where we cared for her.

My earliest memories are of babysitters and nursery schools. All of which I HATED. They did not mistreat me, but I just wanted to be HOME, with my mom. At age 4, I looked around the school & said to myself "when I grow up my children will NEVER go to nursery school." I remember it vividly and I am now in my 40's.

When I had children (in my 20's) I found it hard and boring at first...luckily, I had that bad memory of my own childhood to remind me not to seek easier work outside the home. I would think out plans for us and organize each day with activities. Some as simple as reading time; coloring/craft time; cooking time (I'd have them watch me make something as I explained what the food was, and why I cooked or processed it, etc.) and then they could eat it--this was when they were a little older of course, 3 and older). Luckily, I had taught kindergarten for a short while before being married and had a small amount of experience in lesson planning--this helped me to organize our days.

I found inexpensive posters of things like colors & the alphabet and papered our kitchen with them, as well as the children's room. We had no TV so I played phonics on cassette tapes with songs like "A says A or aaah, B says buh..." I made connect the dot letters for them to follow and familiarize themselves with their names and other letters. We would take walks around the block; take picnics (peanut butter and jelly sandwiches & juice) to the nearby park; we would have a special "mall day" once a month where we spent time window shopping and getting a sandwich and or a treat at one of the shops; we would go on walks and gather leaves and pods and pebbles and they would make collages using simple glue to attach them to a paper plate. I tried to keep in mind that the brain of a young child is like a sponge, thus, I tried to keep their environment rich, knowing that all the information they were taking in was like raw data into a computer...the organizing software would come later. (I'm sorry to mix metaphors :-).

For myself, I would read! We had library day too. The Children would listen to the librarian tell a story and then each of us (me included) would choose a book to take home. While the children took their "quiet time" (I never called it a nap, but they always slept) I would read a few chapters of my current book. It was fun, because each day I'd have little things to look forward to with them, and also by myself, during the quiet time.

When my husband worked evenings, I still set our dinner table and ate with the children (to teach them manners and how to eat politely). They thought it was a game and ate very well. I never forced them to eat things they didn't like . If they didn't want the vegetables (or ??) I would say the vegetables weren't for them, they were for me, and they couldn't have any! They thought this was so funny (and didn't know if I was joking or not) that they insisted I share. Nine times out of ten, they ended up enjoying the new food. If not, I would serve greens and other nutritious foods I knew they did like.

These are all great and happy memories now, and I cherish them dearly. As well, all my children did/do very well in school and I think their rich environment in early life had a lot to do with this. More importantly, they are all very close to us still and, despite a little rough spot with my son during his teen years, all is well. They are currently at that tender age of adulthood (the older two) where they suddenly understand what my husband and I have done for them by having me stay at home to care for them. I am hearing such words of love and appreciation from them--words I never thought I'd hear until a much later time in my life.

Again, my apologies for rambling on so (I am wordy). I hope this helps you in some way. Please know that what you're doing by staying home with your children is so valuable. They will bond with you, not a stranger. And when you are older, and are lonesome for these times, they will be there for you in return, if you need them to be. It's a beautiful cycle.

The days of their youth feel as if they'll last forever, but they are fleeting. Appreciate and savor them and use them wisely. They are a gift.

Thank you for this post. I live alone and have a 9-5 job but even with just myself to look after, but I often feel overwhelmed, unorganized and lost in the sea of things to do just to keep up with the general upkeep of my home.

While I have different views of my own role in my life - I am not married and spend quite a bit of time on my career, often working up to 70 hours a week, I never fail to be moved by the sense of purpose and relaxation of this blog. I have also found it rather inspiring. I've started to look at my house as more than a place to sleep and house my possessions. I'm starting to see it as a haven from the pressures of my career and other responsibilities.

This weekend I found myself with two whole days off and committed myself to spending time at home instead of running off to the library or the movies or shopping for things I don't really need.

I allowed myself to wake up at my own pace, not by the shrill sounds of my alarm clock like usual. Instead of jumping up with thoughts of "what HAS to be done," I let myself enjoy the light coming in through the windows and noticed how it made the yellow of my bedroom walls glow with warmth and congratulated myself on my choice of a deep yellow for walls.

I let the dogs out and fed them, taking time to rub behind their ears and smother them with attention and sweet words, as opposed to usually sending them out with impatient words and a cursory pat.

I made myself pancakes, something I've not felt I had the time to do in months. I chilled my glass before pouring in the milk, I added fresh berries to the top of the pancakes. I savored the taste of something homemade and made unhurried instead of greeting the day with my large Starbucks coffee and (maybe) some instant oatmeal. I even put out a place setting, picking my favorite dish, not just the first one I found (I collect antique china and have a large collection of early/mid 20th century bone china dishes). I ate my meal while reading a favorite book, letting myself really taste the butter, the real maple syrup and feel utterly unrushed and pampered.

Then, I got to work. I started with the basics: dishes, laundry, dusting, vacuuming. Then I tackled bigger problems - I sorted through my clothes while I washed them, making a pile of old, worn out things to throw away and a pile of things I just don't like or can't fit into or just aren't appropriate for work to give away. I even stopped and put an ad on Craigslist so someone who could benefit from them could use them. I cleaned the fridge, taking time to make a list of what I needed to restock while doing so.

I did multitask - ripping cd's to my computer so I could give them away, thinking someone could use them as Christmas presents. Sure enough, someone on Craigslist asked for them, writing that he had lost his job recently and the cd's would help with his Christmas shopping.

I found that as I worked I stopped worrying about time and responsibilies and what I "should" be doing. I concentrated on my tasks, telling myself when I flagged at moments that I was creating a real home for myself. I found that my usual sense of anxiety lessened, my appreciation of the simple homemaking tasks I usually ignore was amplified. I started to notice my things - I remembered the stories behind favorite pieces of clothing, dates I've worn them on with my beloved boyfriend or triumphs at work. I made a pile of clothes I couldn't throw away because they were so pretty but which I couldn't fit into. My fondness for these things convinced me to eschew ordering a pizza for lunch and made a quick stop at the local grocery for salad items with homemade dressing.

As I reach the end of the day, I treated myself to reading your blog and felt compelled to tell you that your obvious tranquility in your life, your committment to your home and your sense of calm inspired me to "be" you for the day - to really slow down and notice those wonderful things around me and the beauty of the life I lead. So thank you. My best to you, your family and to your home.

I have been a homemaker for many years and sometimes I wonder why I haven't gotten it all together yet. There is always another project to finish, diaper to change, floor to clean, closet to organize, dinner to make etc... I have finally come to realize that if these things were all taken care of, I would be out of a job. I am thankful for my sometimes messy life. I am also thankful for your post. Your perspective was realistic and encouraging at the same time.

I wanted to tell you that I think you will be an awesome mom! Your time with your husband will change. But that doesn't mean that you will never get to spend time with him. Our kids were born 364 days apart and as busy as two in diapers kept us we had time for one another. God Bless you and your growing family!

One year ago I had three children under three, and the youngest was still a newborn. Each addition to our family has presented a change and challenges. Still, I'd never trade one minute with my kids for anything! Things are certainly different, and there have been MANY very hard days along the way, but my life has been made better by the addition of our children.

The type of time you spend with your husband may change, but there will still be time. We do not travel or take day trips like we used to before our children, but we still spend time together, usually just at home. And that's fine!

I don't get the chance to do some of the things that I enjoy as much as I used to, but I have found ways to work things in. My children love watching me knit and asking me "Mommy, what are you knitting?" They are even more thrilled when it's something just for them!

There is plenty of chaos, with three little ones, but they are getting old enough to help me out some. They can pick up their toys and the older two can get dressed for bed, or for the day with very little help while I change their brother. Things are constantly in transition, and that can be hard, but it can also be good.

I think the biggest thing is remembering to keep my attitude right. God has to frequently remind me of this fact. Still, none of us are the perfect wife and mother. It's freeing to admit that, but I have to be reminded to strive to improve constantly. Life is never easy, but what you do with your life can be incredibly rewarding.

I guess by now, you've had your precious bundle of joy and realized that all of the "you'll never have a moment to yourself again" is NOT true.

It's been my experience that the parents who say that, are generally (not always, but most of the time) the more self-centered ones who are hyper-focused on having excessive amounts of time to themselves.

I have 7 children...all of them blessings from God. Sometimes, I *do* have those days where I don't have a moment to myself, but that's NOT everyday. And you're right...organization goes a long ways to helping this.

What an awesome post! I didn't get a chance to read all the comments (nor do I often get the chance to do all I want to do when my computer time is limited), but I wanted to post a quick note. This is actually the first time I am reading your blog, and I love how you "keep it real". You post about what you want to post about, but let us know that it's not all "a bed of roses".As a mother of three, I wanted to let you know that you have a head up on me. I became a mother before I became a homemaker, and things were an awful mess! LOL I have to laugh because there were many burnt dinners and unswept floors. As you are already familiar with the tasks of homemaker, I believe you will be able to keep your home relatively similarly to the way you do now even with an infant. Yes, a baby does add a general layer of chaos to everyday life, but it's a good kind of chaos. You already know what needs to get done around your house, and a good schedule in which to get it done. Your baby's care needs are great at first, but they do sleep, and you don't need as much sleep as they do. Not to mention babywearing - if you wear your baby he or she will be more content to "let you" get your housework done :)I am enjoying reading through your blog!Shellie - aka OneChristianMom

I had downloaded this blog entry to read it on my free time..well I read it and it was a very helpful, releaving, refreshing, and encouraging post. For a long time I felt so discouraged seeing my imperfections, my mistakes and wrongs. I felt my family life had to be impeccable and so does my husband seeing everybody else's life, as it's assume when reading other's blogs. Your post let me breath and do my best whatever happens. Thank you..and sorry for my writing ..I'm not a good writer like you. Blessings!

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Domestic Felicity is the journey of one woman who loves her family and home and seeks to live a simple, peaceful, and purposeful life. It is also a record of my daily experiences and challenges and everything I'm learning as I walk along this path. If you wish to ask or comment about something but want to do it in private, you are welcome to email me.

A little bit about me

I'm a Jewish woman, a wife, a mother, a homemaker. I love everything that has to do with home and family, and enjoy the solitude of my quiet corner, which is located in one of the most beautiful areas of Israel. Our lives are simple, but very full, busy and satisfying. I'm passionate about writing, hand crafts, healthy food, home education and the human connection to land and nature.