Wednesday, April 30, 2008

copyranter on ANIMAL NEW YORK: MTA's strange, surrealistic subway ad.

Riding the New Yorksubway is life-affirming. Did I write life-affirming? I meant life-defeating. Much like the MTA's laughable attempts at connecting with riders through advertising. Feel the fake empathy of this artsy medical advisement poster (link).

(click ad for closer look)Sure for a single ad, you make a memorable impression. But what's remembered? The brand? Or the icon? And what's the next ad in the campaign? While this Marilyn impersonator may have legs, the idea doesn't. And by using such an unoriginal visual, Leo Burnett Venezuela, you run the great risk of producing a wholly unoriginal ad. Also: what the hell's up with that Marilyn model? Is that the best MM drag queen (I'm assuming, look at the face/feet.) you could find? Sad.

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Jesus Christ, don't let Corcoran see this.

(click image for closer look)In an ode to bass player needed/lost puppy fliers everywhere, a Copenhagen realtor has hung oversized handbills complete with oversized tear-off phone numbers on two of their properties (this is a translated Photoshopped version). Here in downtown Manhattan, Corcoran has already hung three-story babies and four-story divorced men, so I'm sure this innovative ad eyesore would be of great interest to them. And just imagine the NYC horror scene: Desperate Gothamists atop ladders punching and kicking the shit out of each other to tear off one of the prize tabs to bring to the agent to prove how much he/she deserves that bargain $3,000/month 1-bedroom more than the other hospitalized renters. (via)

copyranter on ANIMAL NEW YORK: Belvedere's Blow Job Ad.

Today on Animal New York, take a looksy at the latest ad in Belvedere's pathetic "Luxury Reborn" campaign (link). It's about as artistic as the blow job scene in Brown Bunny. Wonder if that's Vincent Gallo's crotch in the ad?

Monday, April 28, 2008

copyranter on ANIMAL NEW YORK: Sprint's Weak Signal.

And so it begins: my transformation into a New York Animal. What animal am I becoming? How 'bout a Rat? An Ad Rat—chewing on your terrible-tasting marketing ideas and spewing out some bilious words. First up: an absolutely atrocious downtown Sprint double billboard that represents NYC outdoor advertising gone haywire. Here's the link. See you tomorrow, and every weekday from now on.

Friday, April 25, 2008

Link Haze, 4/25/08.

• ...and that's a wrap for the inevitable Eliot Splitz-her porn flick. (link)
• Sheep sculptures with telephone heads. (link)
• Excerpts from a soul-crushing email from a CEO. (link)
• This internal Leo Burnett ad is probably a fake, but forcing "creatives" to abandon their precious ironic tees for polo shirts is a wickedly humorous thought. (link)
• Omnicom attributes their excellent 1st quarter growth to not hiring unqualified minorities. OK, not really. (link)
• Jägermeister, the drink of idiots, is promoting themselves by fake-promoting their not-selves. Keen. (link)
• Dunkin' Donuts In NYC says to patrons, "H2No." (link)
• This is how Bushwick Brooklyn does the "welcome mat." (link)
• Your nude chat babe doesn't wake up for free guests (link, via CMM news)
• For anybody else out there who grew up in cancer-rich New Jersey, this is for you: The Toxic Avenger is being turned into a musical (again), this time in the Garden State with music by Bon Jovi's keyboardist. (link)

Thursday, April 24, 2008

SEX USED TO SELL UNSEXIEST THING ON PLANET.

(click ad for closer look)It's SOUP, for crying out loud. I don't give a fuck how "exotic" your new flavors are, Heinz. And! Who holds a key party with only three couples (well actually looking at the number of keys in the key bowl, it's three fully bisexual couples)? And who serves soup at a fucking key party? I know I know, I'm being too literal and it's "creative exaggeration man, lighten up." No. Sorry. There's got to be at least a scintilla of truth in your wacky creative ad. And there's NONE here. Nada. IT'S FUCKING CANNED SOUP—image-wise, the meal of the lonely, pathetic, depressed, poor, ugly single person. And your cute little wrong sex ad can't magically alter that perception. (ad by DDB Melbourne, via)

If the shoe fits...

...you've certainly got yourself a humongous schlong. And also, a wicked-ass case of Peyronie's disease.Ad (click it for closer look) for Manix king size condoms visualizes the world's oldest big dick joke. Interesting that the agency picked a left shoe for the "middle leg"—that must have been a strange creative discussion. Although this ad was done by Manix's regular European agency, CLM BBDO, I'm not sure if it was produced—it doesn't match their current, fun colorful campaign (1, 2) as it really should. previous Big Penises in advertising: ABSOLUT 8"; Jontex condom umbrellas; Bud Light's sweaty honking phallic symbol; and John White's got some Big Shoes.

(nsfw) Tasteful, Artful Nudes Wednesday, last of the series.

OK, I'm back. No, it wasn't a joke.

Starting Monday, I will be posting once a day for AnimalNewYork, a site I already read and like a lot (here's an Etch-A-Sketch Pope). Animal is published daily by Bucky Turco, a man with extensive knowledge of the underside of NYC culture, things that frankly scare me. Things like—what exactly graffiti gang signs mean, and where exactly Jimmy Hoffa is buried (it ain't in Jersey). Seriously, I think he knows every square inch of this fucking city. So, after some high-level negotiating between my people and his, a fair price was set.
Since I'll be back in the daily blog grind, I'm restarting copyranter, but will only be posting 2-3 times per week. And since I don't have a set time when my AnimalNewYork posts will be published, I'll also be linking to them every day on copyranter for your convenience. Because I'm all about you, my whiny readers (read through the comments on my Get Lost post). Especially you, anon commenter #153, who offered to give me part of his/her junior copywriter salary to keep posting. Jesus. Tears in the eyes.
Thanks for all your nice comments. And to all the industry people who said their final goodbyes to me—AdAge, AdRants, AgencySpy, etc.—I say, sorry, this was a very unexpected development. (and to answer the 5-6 of you who asked about the half-naked stud muffins with cats photos—they're coming later today)

Friday, April 18, 2008

COPYRANTER IS DONE.

This is the last post I will write for this blog. It takes too much of my time and too much of my life to publish every day. Thanks for reading. I am still interested in writing about advertising on the Internet, if you're interested in paying me. If so, email me at: copyranter(at)gmail(dot)com

Link Haze, 4/18/08.

• Squirrel liquor decanter, $425. (link)• I wonder if this H&R Block spinning signman got the shit beat out of him on Tuesday? (link)• Italy has banned this sophomoric Tom Ford eyewear ad. (link)• Latest Williamsburg craze: tagging turds. (link)• In America, Bud advertises like this. But in the UK, Bud treats consumers like semi-intelligent human beings. (link)• Here's some six-word movie plot summaries (scroll down). (link)• This internal Microsoft Vista video may be the worst thing ever created in the history of all living time. (link)• Did you know you can send a cash gift to the US government? I'm thinking of sending half of my next paycheck. HaHa, fuck you Uncle Sammy. (link)• GwynniePaltrow is an African. Also—on the cover of Vogue—an alien. (link)• This organ donor ad: cute or creepy? (link)• Humorous, hungover, morning-after IMs between gentlemen. (link)• Burger King attempts "street" lingo. Fails. (link)• The anti-advertising agency is going to pay one of us ad people to quit this horrible profession. Go sign up, or donate. (link)• Speaking of horrible, NBC Universal and an ad agency are teaming up to create "product-centered" programming. (link, thanks to Jewess Newton for the tip)• Finally, when some residents of Williamsburg, Brooklyn die, they lay in repose in the Ortiz "fun" home. (link)

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

(nsfw) Tasteful Artful Nudes Wednesday #2.

(click photos for closer look)Surf & Tush. I am a big fan of tanlines—you, you can have your all-over-bronze fake-boobed stripper bodies. Give me white cheeks, or give me death! When the naughty bits are snow-white on a tan body, it makes them appear that much more naughty. Naughty and yummy! (images S) Last Wednesday: blinded by boobies. Next Wednesday: two half-naked stud muffins with cats!

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

(click ad for closer look)Meteor smeteor. This must be why today we have the phrase "bone like dinosaurs." Or something. Why would the town of Hempstead (Long Island?) use a dinosaur illustration on a syphilis public health announcement? Did local health officials discover a direct link between dinosaurs and human STDs?If only those randy Triceratops had been able to slip on an oversized Jontex condom or XXXL fruit-flavored rubber, maybe we'd still be living in caves and Jurassic Park IV wouldn't be in pre-production. (image source)

Monday, April 14, 2008

Robert Forster drinking cup after cup of black coffee.

Generally, celebrities can kiss my ass. (Specifically I'm talking to you, Val Kilmer, sitting outside your trailer and talking on your cell phone and blocking the entire Houston St. sidewalk with your splayed legs several years ago, and to you, Hugh Grant, who glared at me a few years ago while talking on his cell phone because I walked through his precious photo shoot—that was blocking the entire sidewalk on Lafayette St.—even though the shoot was on break.) But last Saturday, while we dined outside in West Hollywood on delicious lunch fare, I heard That Voice coming from a back corner table. If you're familiar with Forster (he was nominated for an Oscar for his portrayal of bail bondsman Max Cherry in Jackie Brown—here's a scene), you know That Voice. It's a voice that could convince you to do just about anything, up to and including murder. He was seated by himself, reading his paper and drinking coffee. He chatted amicably with a couple next to him, and to "Frank" on his cell, somebody he was meeting that afternoon who was walking in L.A. so Forster gave him until 3pm so he wouldn't have to rush. He was talking to the couple about one of his next movies (possibly this one?) in which the male lead was playing a real "reprobate." I got to hear Robert Forster say "reprobate." I was in heaven. previous copyranter celeb dealings: celeb dish #2—taking a meeting with LT; copyranter celeb dish #1—working with JK Simmons vs. Dennis Miller.

Thursday, April 10, 2008

Grapes of Rant.

This afternoon, my girlfriend and I board a flight to the Land of Milk & Honey & Silicone/Saline for a week of R & R & B (blogging!). Yes, I will continue to post once or twice daily including, maybe, a faraway pic of the 'ranter himself (here's a pic of me from last summer, for you newcomers). Stay tuned! previously in copyranter vacation pics: Amsterdam's Sheeba coffeeshop marijuana menu; Vienna street art—three rats on a dog; Vienna sex shop window display—two dildos in a fish tank; the Spiderman 3 cheeseburger; and three-story Milla Jovovich. (image via)

I prefer to think of myself as a "stranger enthusiast."

(click ads to read copy)Return with me, if you will, to the salad days of 1970s/80s creative print advertising. Before this stupid Internet gummed things up. To the days of long copy ads that told a story, and the product benefits were cleverly weaved into the story. That's the approach taken here and now in 2008 by South African agency Ireland/Davenport to sell Barska binoculars. The stories? Stalker stories (here's a 3rd ad in the campaign). The tagline: Putting the king back in stalking. When ad "creatives" talk about advertising being fun, this is what they're talking about it; but rare is the opportunity where you get a client willing to do this kind of stuff (it's happened to me maybe five times). Kudos to Barska. Will these sell product (to non-stalkers, I mean)? Ah. That's always the million dollar question. Fuck if I know. I hope so. What do you think? previously in ads I liked that may or may not have worked: Energizer batteries; Snickers Halloween ad; Old Spice TV spots; Holiday Inn TV spots; Iggy Pop for John Varvatos; Skittles "Touch" spot; Vegas.com Are You A Douchebag?; American Psycho ad; and Calgary hemp store ad.

METH=BAD

(click ads for closer look)Gritty. Shocking. Real (well no, they're models). Effective? As usual, probably not so much. But I'm sure the somber admen from San Francisco agency Venables Bell and Partners, standing some shitty ad awards show podium next spring, will somberly tell the suddenly not goofing-off audience that if the ads stopped just one kid from smoking the Meth, then every pro bono second they spent toiling to craft these graphic, perfectly art-directed scenes will have been so worth it, man. Now, back to selling pharmaceuticals to people who don't need them. (Here's some accompanying lifelike TV spots. Call me overly-cynically all you want, but these types of "real" ads generally don't do dick to stop drug use.). previously in drugs: GEEZER JUNKIES RULE!; Hurricane Tina and other cool new names for Meth; my neighbors ain't crackheads, they're methheads.

Tuesday, April 08, 2008

GOD SAVE THE QUEEN? SHE AIN'T NO HUMAN BE-IN...

(click image for closer look)A lame Australian t-shirt company called goatboy introduces themselves with this Lady Di design. There's also a video that's equally low-rent. All this coming a day after a jury finally ruled that Diana's driver and pursuing paparazzi were responsible for her death. Why am I posting this? Because NEVER MIND THE BOLLOCKS is still the greatest punk rock recording of all tiiiiiiiimmmmme... related: John Varvatos for Converse God Save Queens jacket. (image via)

Orbit ad makes ridiculously tasteless visual melon joke.

(click ad for closer look)Last week, we had Big Tits Friday. I guess this is mini melons Tuesday.If you were a small-brained creative tasked with coming up with a print ad for new Orbit Maui Melon Mints, this would be your thought process....Well it's got to look Hawaiian/tropical. What else? Melon...Melon equals tit, sooo BIG TITTED HULA DANCER with a packet of Orbit stuck between her melons! You chew on tits AND you chew on mints! Wait...the ad's being placed in women-friendly mags, so...the dancer will have to have small tits...and we'll use TWO product shots that cover up her mini melons...and...we won't make her too hot...and we'll put a stupid expression on her face...Give or take, that's probably close to how it went down. Which leaves us with one question: why the hell did Orbit buy this ad? This Orbit gum ad out of the Czech Republic is bad, but not this bad. related: the altoids ads thread.(scanned form the latest Entertainment Weekly)

Monday, April 07, 2008

JWT NY posts craigslist ads selling "pre-owned" Stride gum.

(click image to read copy)
This is one way to get around using the chewy hooey copy or pointless artwork that has gummed up recent gum ads. The agency is looking for a viral boost for this questionable effort for Stride, "the ridiculously long-lasting gum." And, well, I guess I'm helping them achieve that. Don't know if it's part of a larger integrated campaign. If anybody's got more info, please enlighten in the comments. (there's also a facebook version)

This Morning in headlines we'd maybe rather not visualize.

(click image for closer look)When this article about the 10th anniversary of Eve Ensler's 'The Vagina Monologues' went online at the San Francisco Chronicle, the editors thankfully inserted (heh) the word 'play' into the headline. (thanks to Jess Sand for the tip)

Dov shoves it in our face that he's seen this girl's hoo-ha.

(click ad for closer look)Apparently jealous of the fake American Apparel ad artist's graphiclabiadepictions, AA's pants-optional CEO, with this non-product ad from the back of Vice magazine, just wants to let us know that he photographs (And he does take many of the artless photographs himself) real cooze on a regular basis. Seriously, dude? Why don't you just start an off-shoot amateur porn Website already? Sure, you might have to pay the poontang with actually money instead of merchandise discounts and dildos, but you could totally rake in the sleazy ad revenue. It'd be a beautiful, synchronous symbiotic venture. As always, thanks for the great slim-fit T-shirts!(thanks to Ras Hagen for the pic)

What would an Obama/Clinton ticket look like?

(click ad for closer look)At times, both candidates have talked about the other being their VP. It would certainly put a different face on the party; a mannish face with a dyed mullet. But who would wear the pants in the White House? And the Axe? (Ad is for Hogeschool-Universiteit Brussel in Belgium, promoting the fact that it is a college and university in one. Nice to see that the Belgians are keeping up with our long national nightmare that is the Democratic primary. Copy on the ad is a little clunky because it is translated. source.)

Friday, April 04, 2008

Link Haze, 4/04/08.

• Fawn ice-cube tray (see more, link)• ANIMAL New York is back! Jesus Fucking Christ, it's about fucking time. A great daily NYC/culture read. (link)• Aerosmith, for NASA. Somebody had "toys in the attic." (link)• Gas cap advertising. (link)• Botox company's tagline is "It's All About Freedom Of Expression." (link)• A Brazilian beer Website allows you to place a tattoo of your name on their beer babe. How fucking idiotic. (link)• Ohio man caught fucking his picnic table. (link)• I freely admit, I am a pretty stupid writer. But not this stupid. (link)• David Barton gym in Chicago seeks hot androgynous members (heh). (link)• John Adams's emails to Abigail Adams. (link)• Chris Farley spotted at Yankee game. (link)• What do you get a bed-wetter for Christmas? Depends. HaHaHaHaHa FUCK YOU it's Friday. (link)• Cottonelle wallpapered a NYC subway train. (link)• I love that people keep fucking with the Philosophy Works subway posters. (link)• Nina Desea is a million watt beacon for all women in advertising. (link)• Canadian Club's latest campaign, which I have absolutely no opinion about, seems to be working. Bravo? (link)• Erotic Falconry. (link) Why? I don't fucking know. Many people have a combo of too much time and too little imagination. (thanks to Jewess Newton for the tip)• Finally, the best April Fool's Day stunt I came across: the Lou Dobbs tortilla chip eBay auction. (link) Also, if you missed it, watch the xenophobe almost call Barack Obama and Condoleezza Rice "cotton-pickin'"something or others. (link)

IT'S BIG TITS FRIDAY!!!

(click image for closer look)SEE, BABE, IF YOU WORE A WONDERBRA, YOUR TITS WOULD BE SO BIG AND STICK OUT SO FAR THAT YOU WOULD STAND A MUCH GREATER RISK OF GETTING KILLED BY PASSING TRAINS! HOW FUCKING CLEVER, AD RETARDS! ALSO? YOU'D BE ABLE TO HOLD AN UMBRELLA WITH NO HANDS AND YOU'D NEED A BIGGER COFFIN LID AND NO MORE PANCAKE DAYS! BIG TITS! BIG TITS! BIIIIG TITS!!!!!(located at a Singapore station. image via)

Thursday, April 03, 2008

(click ad to read copy and look at the dolphins in flooded terminal 5)"Feel calm again"...at some point in the future.British Airways ad from the May issue of Atlantic magazine introducing their new home in terminal 5 of London's Heathrow airport. Unfortunately for BA, this ad was placed and delivered to the publication before the terminal five fiasco began on March 27th. The copy reads, in part: "Immerse yourself in serenity as you flow effortlessly through your journey." This Utopian hooey is from a carrier that was already the worst European airline for lost luggage before the terminal 5 opening. A piranha tank would now be a more apropos image. previously in airline advertising: Korean Air attendant drops to her knees to service you; In 1968, American Airlines stewardesses were MILFs; the Ryanair 2009 bikini calendar; Delta—Playa; Delta makes a Brazilian joke; Taglines are DUMB—Work Hard. Fly Right.

the choo-choo is stuck in the poo-poo.

(click image for closer look)FUCK. I'd love to get a chance to work on a fucking lubricant account. Is there any easier assignment? Use some sort of hole visual, and riff off that. Google Image search "hole" and you've got 10 campaign ideas. That said, this ad for Durex Play lubricant is not bad. The playful model train set sets the right tone for the product. previously in Durex: the most confusing condom ad ever. previously in condom advertising: proud as a (pea)cock; it's raining (se)men; doing Sudoku doggiestyle; and tuttfrutti condom bubbles. (image via) update: apparently this is an in-store POP display poster, so it had to be a kid-friendly idea.

Axe solar system ad so subtle, NASA engineers won't get it.

(click image for closer look)Most of the mouth-breathing boys who soak their bodies with this crap certainly aren't going to get it. Hillary Clinton might not even get it. John Gray might get it. This is what we call "trying too hard" in the biz. (image via)

Let's write some new taglines for "Zombie Strippers"

(click image for closer look)So Jenna Jameson (previously seen in pleather and on the bottom of skateboards), apparently done with having her ass fucked for a living, slides into her first(?) post-porn movie role as a living-dead pole dancer. IMDb has the breathtaking plot summary. We, however, can do better than "They'll Dance For A Fee. But Devour You For Free" right? Here's my five minutes. Give me your taglines in the comments.—The Night Of Living Dead Head.—First They Strip Their Clothes Off...Then They Rip Your Heads Off.—They're The Appetizer. You're The Meal.—There Will Be Blood. And Titties.(image via)

Under her skirt, iPod girl's Shiny and Sheer.

(click image for closer look)Unlike her bushy iGirlfriend.The fake American Apparel ad artist continues to terrorize downtown Manhattan with his/her graphic two-color antiestablishmentarianism (or something). I like that the artist is now subverting real billboards, like with this earlier execution that cheekily partially covered an "E" poster. A couple of commenters have pointed out the obvious first thought—that these are the work of an AA operative. I don't think so. While not brilliantly ironic, these posters are still infinitely smarter than any marketing moves previously displayed by their predictable, porny pants-optional CEO—even the Woody Allen billboards. other fake AA posters: "the Romper," with dildos; "Barely There" masturbation; and the tube-socked pooper plunderer. (Lafayette St. @ Great Jones via the bons vivants at stereo hell) update: soundtrack—Peaches, "AA XXX"

This is an...ad that is...fairly humorous.

(click ad for closer look)(big tired sigh) I got three fucking hours sleep last night. I'd like to say it was because of an outlandish orgy at our apartment involving Thai hookers, Swedish SheMales, German Shepherds, Donny Deutsch and Eliot Spitzer (Since this is New York City, I technically could arrange such an orgy.). Or, at the least, I'd like to say I was working on a new biz pitch. But no. I just woke up at 3am, my stomach in fucking knots, and two Gas-Xs had no effect whatsofuckingever.But, this blog needs an ad post today. So here it is. I've eaten a whole sleeve of (reduced fat) Pringles at one sitting before. You? Sorry, I can't muster the fake hate/praise today. It's fucking advertising. WHO GIVES A SHIT. One more post, maybe, then I'm outta here. (image via. I believe that's Paris in the ad.)

When Jason Binn Googles Himself, He Reads My Name First.

For many months, my post on Niche Media crappy "luxury" mag mogul Jason Binn was the first return on the Google search of his name. It's now number two, only because of a sponsored, paid-for link to Niche. Meanwhile, because of my post's eminent google placement, the anecdotal prick-evidence vis-á-vis Binn, keeps piling up in the comments section. I recommend going to the post (link) and reading the missives—the commenters' bile practically jumps off your screen. Hey Binstock (his real name), I'll delete the post—for a large fee.