An Arab Sheik was admitted to Hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to have some of his blood type stored in case the need arose. As the gentleman had an extremely rare type of blood that couldn't be found locally, the call went out around the world.

Finally a man from Aberdeen who had the same rare blood type was located working on the supply vessels. After quite a lot of coaxing, he was persuaded to donate his blood for the Arab.

After the surgery the Arab sent the Scotsman a new BMW, a diamond necklace for his wife, and $100,000 US dollars in appreciation for the blood donation. The man and his wife, of course, were overjoyed.

A few months later, the surgeons found that the Arab's recovery was not going quite to plan and decided that he would have to undergo a corrective surgery procedure. Once again, his doctor telephoned the Scotsman who, this time, was more than happy to donate his blood.

Following the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street chocolates.

The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated. He phoned the Arab and complained, "I thought you would be more generous than that - last time you sent me a BMW, diamonds and money, but this time you only sent me a lousy thank-you card and a crappy box of chocolates?"

To this the Arab replied: "Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in me veins."

At the fifth attempt, the person was determined to pass. But the test had the same question: "You are driving at 60 mph. On your right is a wall, on your left is a cliff. On the road, you see an old man and a young man. What will you hit ?"

The person walked up to the examiner and said, "I've answered this question all four ways, wall, cliff, young man, old man. Yet I failed all four times. How is this possible? What am I supposed to hit?"

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and Family values. Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?' Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?' ______________________________ _____________

A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?' The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.' ______________________________ _____________

'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,' 'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.' ______________________________ _____________

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said,'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.' 'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.' ______________________________ _____________

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.' The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.' ______________________________ _____________

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder: 1. Their DNA's all match. 2. There are no dental records. ______________________________ _____________

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?' The agent replies, 'Just a minute.' 'Thank you,' she says, and hangs up. ______________________________ _____________

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez. 'How was he killed?' asked one detective. 'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied. 'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?' 'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.' ______________________________ _____________

Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.' Joe: 'Really?' Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.' ______________________________ _____________

A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling. 'I'm O. K. But I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,' he answered. 'What did he say,' asked the nurse. 'Oops!' ______________________________ _____________

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits.It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying abathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice. 'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?' 'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.' He's still in intensive care. ______________________________ _____________

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder,followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.... The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.'

Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So, I went to a psychiatrist and told him: "I've got a problem. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy." "Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the psychiatrist. "Talk to me 3 times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears." "How much do you charge?" "One hundred fifty pounds per visit." Said the doctor. "I'll sleep on it." I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street.

"Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having? He asked. "Well, £150 a visit, 3 times a week for a year, is £23,400.00. A bartender cured me for £10.00." "I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought a new 4x4."

"Is that so?” said the doctor, with a bit of an attitude he said, "And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?" "He told me to cut the legs off the bed. There's nobody under there now.”

Having a few grogs with a group of mates the other night when one of the younger guys, Tommo, announced that he'd just broken up with his missus. "What happened, Tommo? I thought you and Shirl were a very happy couple?" asked Freddie. "Dunno, Fred, just came home last night and she was gone, with all of the furniture too. Never, ever had an argument, so can't work it out." Donny, who knew everything about everything said, "I reckon you're to blame, Tommo. I was reading on the Internet a while ago, that the biggest cause of marriage break-ups is bad sex." "That's bullshit," piped up Tony, "Good sex can break up a marriage too, even great sex." "How'd you work that out?" we all asked at once, leaning in towards him, all ears. "Well, it happened to me." "How so?" we wanted to know, disbelieving him. Tony looked at each one of us and with a grin said,"I got caught shagging my next door neighbour's young missus!"

During Prince Williams royal wedding, the millions around the world saw that he had chosen to wear a uniform that included the famous British "red coat." Many people have asked, "Why did the British wear red coats in battle?"

A long time ago, Britain and France were at war. During one battle, the French captured a British Colonel. They took him to their headquarters, and the French General began to question him. Finally, as an afterthought, the French General asked, "Why do you British officers all wear red coats? Don't you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?"

In his casual, matter-of-fact, way, the officer informed the General that the reason British officers wear red coats is so that if they are wounded, the blood won't show, and the men they are leading won't panic.

And that is why, from that day forward, all French Army officers wear brown trousers.

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