A woman embarks upon a relentless pursuit of her dreams... these are her "letters from the inside."

Sunday, September 22, 2013

A Case of Cold Feet

You can be sure it is going to be a rather stressful day when every thought that crosses your mind upon waking ends with a question mark.

When am I going to come back from NYC? When am I going to see my dogs again? Will they miss me when I am traveling? Or will they forget all about me?? Where will I get a job? If I get a job, will I end up staying through the winter in New York? Or will I go back to California in January? How long before my funds run out? Am I making the wrong choice? Is this a crazy plan? What if...? Where to...? How much...???? When??? Why??? How??? Where???

I have to tell you, this is not a great way to start out the morning. I sat in bed for nearly an hour as these questions ran through my mind; similar to the way the numbers on the stock market ticker race by with endless flux.

And I couldn't help but ask myself one last question before getting out of bed: 'Am I getting cold feet?'

I've had months to plan this excursion. I have had ample time to carefully deconstruct every nagging fear or question. And yet, out of nowhere, I am suddenly overcome with nerves.

With nearly one week left to go before my impending journey, I feel more anxious than ever about taking this trip. I know it is going to be such a good thing for me to experience, but the weight of the unknowns is a heavy burden to lug around... along with my huge suitcases.

All these questions simply cannot be answered until I get there.

And so, with that in mind, I am trying to look at it as a long vacation... I have no clue what I will want to do after I arrive. I am not sure if staying for more than a month or two will pan out. But how can I know? I simply can't from where I sit right now.

I guess this is just how life goes. You have to take some chances and just hope for the best. We can't always have all the answers laid out perfectly before us on a silver tray, but we can do our best to handle whatever may come.

I'm just going to have to double up on the socks and slippers this week, suck it up, take a deep breath, pack my yoga mat... and try to keep my feet roasty and toasty...

Getting all worked up over the many variables isn't really doing me any favors. Time to live and let go. Let go and let God. The rest are just the details. And who needs them anyway? Oh shoot... another question mark!

Guess my feet are still a little chilly after all. Oh well... Better just enjoy what I have right now in front of me; two warm little dogs who love nothing more than to make every moment count. They are the zen masters of living in the present moment. Their paws are always nice and warm.

1 comment:

While at the age of 19 and half way around the world I frequently received letters from my Mother questioning the wisdom of my travels while pleading with me to come home. I realized that this was something I had to do for me but wanted so desperately to gain her support. Eventually I told my Mom to either support my dreams with encouragement or not to write. She responded with a poem by Helen Kadar which reads as I memorized it...so if I am off a word or two bear with me. It is titled Vacation Time

Have you ever had a yearning just to travel far from home, without a thought of turning, a desire just to roam?

And to see some strange new places in a land so far away, If you have, no one needs tell you that wonder lust holds sway.

When you feel so discontented with life, though calm and bright, and your dream is just to stroll out into the night,

Never turning to look backwards, only wishing you were free with the whole wide world to see,

Don't stop! For you will weary of all once held so dear, if you check this inclination, life will hold for you no cheer..

Perhaps you will find contentment in some far off distant zone or be satisfied to come back and settle down at home...

That is exactly what I needed to hear. The rest is history. What an incredible journey, this thing called life!