'Bachelor' recap: Sean kicks off the season, rape whistle in tow

Amy Kaufman

Lest there be any concern that our new "Bachelor," Sean Lowe, is too innocent to handle a gaggle of debaucherous women, have no fear. The good ol' Texas boy arrived at the iconic Agoura Hills mansion well equipped to ward off overeager females in sparkly gowns.

"I brought a rape whistle in case I'm in trouble," Sean warned one "Fifty Shades of Grey" fan, who had just pulled a cheap-looking tie out of her cleavage.

Oh, that’s right. There was no shortage of crazy on the season premiere of "The Bachelor" Monday night, the 17th -- yes, you heard me right -- season of this marvelous, soul-ruining show. One woman, Lindsay, stepped out of the limo to meet Sean wearing a wedding dress that may or may not have been purchased at David's Bridal. Then she got really drunk and tried to persuade Sean to kiss her by insisting she wasn't "contagious."

Even when girls were making total fools of themselves, Sean came off like a saint -- almost Jake Pavelka-esque, sans the under-the-surface rage issues. He's from Texas! He drives a Jeep! He likes to work out for fun!

His parents are sickeningly sweet and spent an exorbitant amount of money building their granddaughter a lifesized dollhouse in their backyard. He's good with kids. And let's not forget: He loves Jesus. A lot. His Twitter bio even says so: "I love the little things in life like good food, road trips, TX country music and great conversation. Most importantly, I love Jesus!"

Well, shucks. How am I supposed to say anything snarky about this dude? He even looks better than he did on Emily's season. When Arie -- the runner-up on Emily's season -- came by to give Sean some canned advice on "how to be a good kisser," I found myself thanking my lucky stars that I didn't have to watch Arie shove his tongue down a zillion girls' throats this season. Vomtown.

That said, I'm worried Mr. Perfect may prove to be a bit too predictable. It could have been in the editing, but I felt like it was super obvious which girls Sean was into the second they popped on screen. Take Tierra. She was wearing a cross around her neck in her first interview, and screamed when she found out Sean is "The Bachelor" because he's so family-oriented. She's also attractive, and looks like a mix of former "Bachelorette" DeAnna Pappas and Jamie-Lynn Spears. Bam: Got the first rose just by stepping out of the limo.

Yeah, Sean went a bit rogue, handing out roses to whomever he pleased instead of waiting for the official Chris Harrison-sanctioned rose ceremony. The first girls to receive early roses were, not surprisingly, the most clean-cut: Desiree, a bridal stylist who said in her bio that her favorite book is "Eat, Pray, Love"; and AshLee, who was adopted at 6 into a pastor's home and spells her name AshLee.

More ridiculous girls were obvious goners, such as cruise ship entertainer Kelly, who sang a song with the lyrics "You're from Texas, and I’m from Tennessee. I’d love to take you home to have my mom’s sweet tea." Paige, a self-described "jumbotron operator" who appeared on "Bachelor Pad" also got the boot.

Even though she made it through the cocktail party unscathed, I'm worried about Kacie B., who is competing for Sean after being rejected by previous "Bachelor" Ben Flajnik. I liked Kacie during Ben's season -- she was often over-emotional but is also cute and honest. She also doesn't seem to have the same affinity for bedazzled dresses as the other women do.

Apparently, Kacie met Sean between seasons at one of those sketchy "Bachelor" reject parties in Las Vegas or something. She liked him, but nothing happened, and when she found out he was going to be the "Bach," she called the producers to try to get on the show. But I just don't think Sean is into her.

"I met her and viewed her as a friend, but now that I know she has feelings for me, I am open-minded to exploring that," he said. That's sweet and all, Sean, but if you weren’t into her off the bat, it ain't lookin’ good.

Moving forward, I have a good feeling about AshLee, Tierra, Desiree and Sarah, who wasn't shy in addressing the fact that she only has one arm. You've got me on your team for now, Sean, but watch out. If you start liking the obviously mean girl that everyone in the house loathes, I could begin to hate you. If you don't express your true feelings because you are too darn nice, I will probably start to hate you. And if you don't take your shirt off enough, I will definitely start to hate you.