GOLDEN, CO—Their eyes widening in amazement as the 43-year-old rattled off the names of heavy hitter after heavy hitter, impressed members of the Dreeshen household confirmed Friday that the roster for their mom’s upcoming dinner party was absolutely stacked. “Wow, she’s got Joyce from work, Cheri, Dana from yoga, Carol, Carol’s new husband—that’s all of the A-listers, together under one roof,” said Dreeshen’s daughter Michelle, wondering aloud how her mother managed to nail down such a jam-packed murderers’ row of neighborhood all-stars. “Jesus, she even managed to pull Dr. Fuller and the Jacobsons. Top to bottom, it’s just loaded. There’s not a single weak spot in the entire guest list.” Sources reported that such an imposing, big-name lineup would “absolutely crush” the likely dinner party topics of the Wannemakers’ new deck and Carol’s upcoming trip to Italy with her son …

EUGENE, OR—Noting that it had yet to experience any sort of oneness with the 22-year-old, the universe confirmed Friday that it felt absolutely zero connection to a local man currently tripping on hallucinogenic mushrooms. “As far as I can tell, all the boundaries between myself and this guy remain completely intact, so I certainly wouldn’t say that he and I have become one with each other at all,” said the collection of all space and matter, which added that, if anything, it was feeling further removed from the man after he ate two grams of psilocybin mushrooms and spent the ensuing three hours just sitting on his basement couch, during which time he effectively did nothing to interact with the world or universe more broadly. “Frankly, I feel like he and I are as separate and unconnected as we’ve always been. Sure, he seems like a decent …

NEW YORK—Inviting all those truly committed to economic equality, presidential candidate Bernie Sanders announced during Thursday night’s Democratic debate that anyone who’s serious about breaking up big banks should meet him on the corner of Canal and Bowery at midnight. “Show up at the base of the Manhattan Bridge at exactly midnight tonight if you really want to break apart the financial institutions and hold Wall Street banks accountable,” said the Vermont senator, adding that everyday Americans can help prevent financial firms from endangering the economic and political process in the U.S. by arriving dressed in dark clothing and taking every precaution to ensure they are not being followed. “Bring a flashlight and come alone. When the clock strikes 12, we bring economic justice to the American people.” At press time, Hillary Clinton had interrupted Sanders to announce that she would be there.

NEW YORK—Repeatedly emphasizing how her proposed policies would benefit middle-aged fathers of three who work in the public sector, Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton appeared to be tailoring each of her answers during Thursday night’s primary debate to a single unclaimed New York superdelegate, sources reported. “As your next president, I promise to make America work for all of us—not just the billionaires, but also middle-class families working to pay off a 30-year mortgage on a postwar duplex in Queens,” said Clinton, adding that, now more than ever, the federal government needed to reduce the burden of student debt on those who had just taken their firstborn daughter on a tour of several colleges upstate. “In addition to reinvesting in our country’s infrastructure—including that section of the Lexington Avenue line that gets so congested on the way to work every morning—I vow to strengthen …

Inky the Octopus is believed to have escaped the national aquarium of New Zealand by opening the lid of his tank, slithering across the floor, then squeezing through a 5-inch-wide drainage pipe and out to sea. What do you think?

CINCINNATI—Saying they could not stop staring despite the highly private nature of the scene that was unfolding, numerous passersby reportedly paused dead in their tracks Wednesday night upon catching sight of a man leading an incredibly sad life who was clearly visible through his unobstructed apartment window.

Witnesses said they started gathering on the sidewalk outside his apartment building at approximately 6:30 p.m. after noticing that the lethargic, disheveled man, who appeared to be in his mid-30s and was clad only in a ripped T-shirt and unwashed shorts, had left his curtains open and his lights on, putting his pathetic existence inside his dingy one-room studio in plain view for all to see.

“Boy, you can see absolutely everything,” said 38-year-old Andrea Arnold, who was walking to meet a friend for dinner when she glimpsed the man playing video games alone in his barely furnished, bare-walled apartment …

PACIFIC OCEAN—Following the theme park’s pledge to phase out exhibits featuring the whale species and discontinue breeding them in captivity altogether, the world’s marine life told sources Thursday they were completely on edge now that SeaWorld is moving on from orcas. “At first, I was happy to hear the news about the orcas, but then it dawned on me that SeaWorld would probably try to find a replacement and I just started to freak out,” said an anxious and visibly trembling black marlin, who explained how a feeling of tense unease had spread among the manatees, sharks, octopuses, and other larger species of the ocean ecosystem that any one of them might be rounded up at any moment, transported to a small, featureless tank, and forced to perform a choreographed series of tricks up to a dozen times a day for crowds of onlookers. “The other whales …