Because life is moving so fast, writing is the way to keep my life recordable.

It is never easy

That early evening, when I wanted to boarding to Jakarta, I just got a news that I actually I already felt that I would hear about that soon. My feeling already told me, something wasn’t right. But still, the news that I got that night, was shocking me. I was tremble. I couldn’t comprehended with the situation, I almost ran away to the toilet to find my alone moment to digest the truth that just revealed to me so plainly.

As how I grow old, I already experienced so many situations. From good or bad. From happiness or tears.

When it comes as good things, I always feel grateful and remind myself to be humble, because basically, I own nothing on this earth. When people do kindness to me, or I just have something that made me happy and feeling so blessed, I know it wasn’t because of me, but because God was using all those people or that blessings, to let me know, that He is with me. All the time, whether I traveled alone, or in a warm bounding time with my family or in a lively hang out with my friends, I know that there are angels who helped me all this time in the form of people.

In the dark times, when suddenly I felt the whole situation forced me to taken aback, shocked, stood still until I felt my heart started to be bitter and numb, I tried to still remember God’s kindness. Maybe, this was a way for me to know that I shouldn’t going far to that wrong direction. That all of the situation that I expected to be happen as I want, is actually something that will do bad for me in the future. If we humbly to admit it, after some times of the misfortune passed by, we would see it back and realized, how all the – no-it-didn’t-happen-as-how-i-want-it situations, actually gave us another better situation in exchange. It was leading us to something new. Something better.

So for this case, I also tried to take my breathe and look all the situation in the different way. It might be a blessing for me to know this hurtful fact to stop me of being someone that I shouldn’t be or pursue something that it is not for me, or feeling something about myself that it isn’t true.

All this terrible fact that made me feel so down and unhappy, maybe at some point in the future, will be something that I will look back and thankfully that I didn’t go far lingering on that situation.

But still, I am very weak and vulnerable inside. Maybe because I am always willing to do my best for people who I care and love. So it’s feeling hurtful when I found out that I was being betrayed, lied to or disrespected by those people that I trust and care about. It’s shaken my feeling and I can not see anything clearly, no matter I said to myself to calm down and practice to see the situation from a different perspective, I still feel so numb.

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Honestly, I was so tired for being treated by people who I care with this kind of behaviour. When someone being greedy to take something that isn’t theirs without thinking about the risk and the effect to the other person. I am also so tired to find out, that something is not always “What you see is what you get.” There is always a dark side from whatever things that perhaps look so innocent and pure from the surface appearance. Yes, those faces can deceiving. Those lips can say lies. Those acts can be faked. Those intention can be originally so dark.

What we need is sometimes the ugly truth. The ugly truth that sets us free.

Honesty and being true to ourselves and others are always better rather than trying to hide it through our good lips and shinning eyes, through a warm hugs and intimate affections, or through sweet lies and ignorance.

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I wrote over and over again on my journal, “Until when one’s heart can bear of pains? Until when, this tiny stuff inside my soul can be able to hold all the despair feeling and miserable situations, then again, this tiny stuff inside my soul needs to forgive and forget, as long as it’s still breathing?”

Forgive. And Forget.

Is that easy?

Some people say about it so easily as it’s something common and no need any efforts.

They sent you encouragement to cheer you up and say – Hey it’s gonna pass. It’s ok. It’s common in this nowadays society. People doing this lustful behaviors, why don’t you follow?

Is that so easy?

To think of one’s mistakes are just something we should close our eyes off and forget about it. To blend with this world’s opinion that taking anything for granted is fine? To say, you should just take it easy as it is nothing. Because it’s actually your own risk by trusting someone that much, so you need to take the responsibility and take the risk.

The risk when you care so much to someone that you count as special in your life, they can disappointed you. They can tear you down and make you lost your trust either to them, or to yourself. Yes, people do make mistakes. Me too. But when those mistakes actually already planned since long time ago, it becomes evil. A deceiving plan, a plan to soberly hurt another people for one’s ego. For one’s lust. For one’s greediness.

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A friend of mine told me to practice to remember how the way I speak and act daily, before I go to sleep. Did I satisfy with my behavior? Did I hurt someone’s feeling? Did I do something that isn’t value myself? Did I betray my own principle and integrity? Did I hurt myself by saying something bad about myself? It’s a long way of reflection before I go to sleep. As to cleanse myself every night, and wake up in a new way of thinking in the morning.