Tag Archives: #transTRUTH

It’s a sad day in the transgender community. November 20 is recognized as Transgender Day of Remembrance to honor those who were murdered for being trans. Today is set aside to make sure they’re not forgotten and that they live on, recognized and remembered for their bravery in living their authentic lives.

There’s a website dedicated to those who’ve died due to anti-trans violence. I encourage you to visit, to read, and to educate yourselves about those who’ve been killed over the past year. And while you’re reading, you might be interested in other resources, like the background GLAAD provides to help journalists understand why TDOR is needed.

I hate that this day is even necessary, and yet I love that we have a way to honor those who died for being themselves. To those who’ve died due to trans violence, I honor your courage and your legacy.

On this Transgender Day of Awareness, I ask that you do something that’s authentically you, no matter how you identify. There’s only one of each of us in this world – we should celebrate that which makes us unique everyday, but today, especially.

National Geographic magazine put a transgender person on its cover for the first time and the special issue is making waves, as you’d expect in today’s environment. Titled “Gender Revolution,” the January issue examines the shifting landscape.

The topic is (sadly) controversial in and of itself, but the photo has drawn out naysayers in big numbers: it’s a pic of 9-year-old Avery Jackson, who was born male but identifies as female.

Now we have a perfect storm of all the controversial elements: the topic of transitioning, a trans CHILD of all things, gracing the cover of a credible, world-renowned publication. Nat Geo says they put a trans child on the cover because they hope the gender stories…

“will spark thoughtful conversations about how far we have come on this topic-and how far we have left to go.”

The naysayers are having a field day, as you might imagine. It’s enough to make their poor, close-minded heads explode.

BUT! Duh-duh-dunnnn…

One response in particular caught my attention. This guy, Walt, who transitioned from male to female for 8 years, and then transitioned back.

Walt calls Avery “a cross-dressing boy.” He says that cross dressing a young boy is a form of emotional and pyschological abuse that should be stopped, not celebrated. And he says that putting Avery on the cover will…

“encourage a child to question his or her gender and sex and act out accordingly.”

I’m at a loss. Yes, the cover may encourage a child to question his or her gender – but I gotta believe only if they were already questioning it. It’s difficult for me to think that someone would look at a magazine cover and suddenly be interested in transitioning to the opposite sex if they weren’t already inclined to do so. I don’t look at GQ and think, “Geez, now I wanna be a man!”

Ludicrous, in my mind. Mr. Walt Heyer, I’m truly, honestly, sorry you were confused in your childhood. I’m equally sorry you felt that you made a mistake by transitioning, and I’m glad you transitioned back to what felt right to you. I hope it made you happy and feel at home in your body.

BUT!

Please, remember…

Life requires a lot of introspection to figure out who we are … and who we are changes as we age. I’m not the same person I was at 15, 25 or 35. I personally never had occasion to question my gender. I’m not saying that Mr. Heyer didn’t have reason to. I’m just saying it’s a shame that someone who, at one point, understood the need to physically transition can’t afford others the same opportunity without calling it “abuse.” I’m stumped at his reaction and really, just kinda left mystified by it.

Whaddya think?

1. Is Avery a brave, young girl acting on her instinct who should be applauded for breaking down barriers?

2. Is she being duped or misled into transitioning?

3. Is transgenderism — as Walt Heyer puts it — “B.S.?”

We gotta talk about this. Wherever you fall on the yay/nay spectrum, this is real. This is life. And THAT is why Nat Geo put a trans child on the cover.

Time to get those thoughtful conversations going… please start one here by commenting on this post.

Who’s better equipped to play a transgender role in movies and on TV – a cisgender or a transgender? I’m hearing more about this argument lately, and was pleasantly surprised to see that the TV show Nashville has cast the first transgender actress on CMT. Jen Richards will play the role of a transgender physical therapist when the show starts its fifth season.

Good for them!

It makes a lot of sense to me. I’m an actress, and I’m capable of playing different roles. That’s what acting is all about. But when there’s someone who’s closer to the role for some reason – age, ethnicity, physicality, etc. – it’s understandable that they get cast instead of me. (It does’t mean it doesn’t sting, by the way, but I get why the director made the decision. It’s better than not getting cast because my audition sucked, right?!)

So the director of Nashville cast a transgender actress to play a transgender woman. Makes sense, doesn’t it?

Contrast that to the backlash Mark Ruffalo recently faced after casting Matt Bomer as a transgender woman in his upcoming film, Anything. GLADD’s director of Programs, Transgender Media, said this about the move:

“The decision to put yet another man in a dress to portray a transgender woman touches a nerve for transgender people. It’s yet another painful reminder that, in the eyes of so many people, transgender women are really just men.”

And that’s the crux of it, I’m afraid. While maaaaaybe there is a bit more acceptance – and that’s a big maybe – there is still a huge lack of understanding. Like, a Grand Canyon-sized hole where understanding should be.

I do think we’re making progress, and taking baby steps toward understanding the trans life. But clearly there’s still room for improvement, both within Hollywood and society as a whole. All you have to do is read any article on HB2, the so-called “Bathroom Bill,” or read some of my earlier blog posts, and you’ll readily find where understanding is missing.

Like any major shift, this takes time. I’m thrilled to hear about Nashville‘s newest cast member and hope it will be the start of a new trend in casting … and understanding. I remain hopeful. And I might even start watching the show, just because of this casting decision.

The Wisconsin school district had proposed this was a way to alert teachers to stop Ash from entering the boys bathroom, since he was born female. Hello? Did we learn nothing from North Carolina? Or Virginia?

In my time learning about the trans community, one thing has been made pretty clear: trans people don’t want to stand out… they want to blend in! They don’t want the spotlight. They’re not in your face about their identity. They simply want to be who they feel they were born to be, usually as quietly as possible.

Forcing them to wear a green wristband is about as subtle as a Scarlet A.

In Ash’s case, fellow students know he is trans. In fact, he was nominated for prom king – a nomination that school officials blocked until protests forced them to change their mind. Officials still refer to him with female pronouns and use his female name, despite his requests that they do otherwise.

Other trans students may not be as open, and these green wristbands “out” them.

The lawsuit Ash filed states that school officials must treat him, and all trans students, as their preferred identities and stop any discrimination against transgender students.

I have middle-school aged kids and for years have watched their schools make huge proclamations about bullying: how it won’t be tolerated, how everyone should be treated equally and with respect.

How is forcing these students to wear wristbands not a form of bullying? You’re not treating them equally. You’re not respecting them. You’re singling them out, and making them bigger targets for those who are just looking for someone to pick on.

Shame on you, Kenosha Unified School District. I hope Ash wins his lawsuit. And I hope someday, you’ll get a good, old-fashioned lesson in acceptance. You sure need one.

When someone transitions, they’ve no doubt put a whole lotta thought and heart into the decision. It’s a commitment that will affect the rest of their lives.

While they’re the ones who undergo the physical changes to alter their gender, they’re not the only ones affected. Family and friends are impacted, regardless of whether they agree with the choice.

I read a great article about this today and I thought I’d share it here. It discusses the story of Dade Barlow and Tiffany Grimes who were married as a same-sex couple before Barlow, born female, transitioned to become a male. It’s a fascinating tale of watershed realizations and true love.

One of Barlow’s quotes struck me:

If you don’t recognize that your partner is having a process as well, your relationship is not going to work. It’s affecting both of you, so you need to pause and give breathing room.

It’s so true. While Barlow’s wife didn’t transition, she did ‘have a process,’ as he stated. Grimes said she actually “grieved” the loss of her wife before she could accept her new husband. She had to come to understand this was not a choice … it was who he was meant to be, and she needed to come to terms with that before she could move forward by his side.

The couple remained married and now has a child together.

For every story like this (and there likely aren’t many), there are hundreds more in which the partner couldn’t accept the decision and the couple split up. And then there are parents who can’t – or won’t – accept a child’s decision to transition. In these cases, the loved ones’ lives are altered in different ways, but impacted nonetheless.

For anyone who’s transitioned, I’d love to hear about how those around you “had a process,” whether it is a parent, spouse, or friend. Please feel free to share your story by commenting below or privately messaging me, if you prefer.

And for those who’ve gone through a loved one’s transition by their side, bravo for supporting them. Whether you agree or even understand, you embody the words “unconditional love.” And these days, that’s no small feat.

I recently read an article about why the government cares about the number of Americans who are LGBT. It discussed how having an accurate count of the number of LGBT Americans could expedite changes in military policies, health care, grant funding and more. Important reasons, without question. And it makes perfect sense to me — after all, how can you adequately care for a population without knowing how large that population is?

BUT.

It also misses a crucial point, in my humble little opinion. Knowing how many of our fellow Americans are part of the LGBT community could mean recognizing that they are not some small, separate, segregated group that’s too inconsequential to matter. Dollars to doughnuts, I’d bet that if there were true, accurate and all-encompassing data available, the numbers of the LGBT community in this country are far greater than anyone realizes. Many of these people have chosen to stay silent for many, many reasons. Fear of discrimination. Fear of alienation. Fear of repercussions from family, friends, employers or places of worship. Fear of being attacked. Fear of being harassed about something as basic as using a bathroom.

Which means that too many of them haven’t felt the luxury of being honest about who they are. Luxury being the operative word there.

How sad is it that anyone in this day and age has to hide who they are for ANY reason? We like to think we’ve come so far as a society–and in many ways we have–but not in this one basic, HUMAN way. What if redheads were ashamed to let people know they had red hair and wore wigs to blend in? What if anyone with brown eyes wore sunglasses simply to hide their eye color because they were ostracized otherwise? These aren’t choices – they’re how we’re born. Those in the LGBT community are no different.

In my last post, I carelessly used the phrase “choose to live an alternative lifestyle.” I was mistaken for phrasing it that way, and I’m grateful a friend pointed it out to me. Those who are lesbian, gay or trans don’t CHOOSE to be so, anymore than I chose to be straight. They are who they are, just as I am. The difference is, I don’t have to hide it. Many of them don’t have that luxury … which is why the numbers that good ol’ Uncle Sam is trying to collect are not likely to be accurate any time soon.

I love that the government is trying to get this data, don’t get me wrong. It’s crucial that those who are LGBT be recognized as a legitimate community, with the same rights and benefits as the rest of us. Having those numbers can go a long way toward making that reality. I just venture a guess that the data the government comes up with won’t be truly representative, because so many people still feel they simply can’t speak up.

To those who do identify as any one of the letters in the LGBT world, my greatest wish is that, some day, you’ll feel the luxury of living your authentic life. If not, I understand why… I’m just so sorry you don’t feel you can. Uncle Sam’s numbers or no, I count you as important. You matter.

My recent blog posts have been lopsided. I’ve been completely focusing on the adult view of transgendered people and now I am reminded that I have neglected to consider things from a child’s view. Consider that changed.

Allow me to introduce you to “T,” a transgender 9-year-old in Los Angeles. Yes, you read that right… nine. Born a male, the third-grader wears dresses and feels “like a girl, not a boy.” T is the first openly transgender student in her school. (And thanks to Kim for making sure I knew about her!)

Surprised? Don’t be. I predict you’ll be hearing many more stories like T’s. Like Sam Moehlig, who was born female but identifies as male. Unlike T, Sam has undergone gender reassignment surgery to further his transgender journey. And there’s 18-year-old Eli Erlick, who was born a boy but began publicly identifying as female at age 8. She said it wasn’t a decision, but a realization.

T, Sam, and Eli have plenty of company. Just a decade ago, Children’s Hospital Los Angeles saw about 40 transgender and “gender nonconforming” youth. Today, the same center sees about 600 transgender patients between the ages of 3 and 25. I can only imagine as people become more comfortable with the concept, that number will rise.

As a parent, I’d like to think that I’d support my child if one of them came to me and said they were trans. I know I’d sure try. It must be challenging as hell to get used to the idea, but making sure my kids are physically and mentally healthy and well-adjusted as possible is my goal: which includes wholly loving them if they’re any one of the LGBTQ alphabet soup.

There are those out there that think these kids’ parents are crazy for supporting their children’s trans journey. Arguments against it range from “they’re too young to know better” to “it’s a phase” to “messing with God’s plans.” But considering the significant suicide statistics among trans people, I applaud these parents for being supportive of their child’s feelings. Parental support promotes better self-esteem and helps act as a buffer against the bullying and discrimination these kids are bound to face from a world that doesn’t understand. Btw, here’s a very cool article with other stories of trans kids and their families’ reactions, if you’d like to read more.

I am pretty confident that T, Sam and Eli – along with their parents – won’t ever read this blog. But if I ever had a chance to talk to them, I’d say this:

Your journey is your own, as are your struggles. No one knows what it’s like to be in your shoes, and no one can define you but you. I applaud you for honoring your authentic self, and am grateful that you have your parents’ love and support to do so. I am sure this journey is not easy and there will be challenges as the world fails to understand who you are. But know that there are some of us out here who are trying, and who want nothing more than for you to live a life in which you feel accepted. You’re showing more courage at a young age than some do in a lifetime. Thank you for teaching us. I’m grateful to learn.