The Perks of Being Gay – Part One

No, I'm not just being optimistic here (although I try to be). I actually have good reasons to say so.

Ever since I discovered my unique sexual orientation, I rarely thought of it as a negative thing. I said rarely, not never.

I’m out to pretty much everyone I know, friends and family, except my extended family members who reside in China, and will not be escaping the horrible country anytime soon. (How’s that for patriotism!) I am tough, but not tough enough to challenge the inherited tradition that runs in their veins, not yet at least. In a lighter note, most of the people I’ve came out to took it fine, if not great, much thanks to the lovely Canadian culture.

Over the years, as I grew more comfortable in my own skins, whether it’d be sexual orientation or gender identity, I’ve come to appreciate more the meanings of being gay and the unexpected benefits that it has brought into my life. The first and most important one is that I became more introspective. A lot more. A significant growing amount. You get the point.

Realizing my unique sexual desires (I like the word “unique” with a positive connotation =D) and admitting it to myself took a lot of self-questioning. But through this arduous process of soul searching, my sense of self-awareness heightened. I became more in touch with myself and found out more as to who I am and what do I want in life. Excuse the cliché, it comes in handy when explaining feelings.

I still remember the innocent times when I didn’t know what lesbian is. Back in grade 7, there was this super tomboy in my class, more so than I am now (I still had long hair back then. Unimaginable, right?), you can’t really tell that she was a girl by merely looking at her. Anyways, I used to think, like everyone else, that she was weird. (Like I was so normal) I didn’t understand why she would dress up like that. And when rumors spread around the school that she’s going out with a girl, I was astonished to say the least. I even convinced myself that they were just kidding; you know how incredible rumors can be. I just didn’t think it was possible for 2 girls to be engaged in a romantic relationship, the idea never came across my limited mind. I was a dumbass, I have to admit.

The ironic thing is, however, I also had a crush on this girl in my class at the time, only I didn’t realize it was a crush. I thought every girl had feelings like mine, wanting to kiss a girl and all, which doesn’t really make sense to me now that I think about it, maybe I just didn’t give it much thought back then. I recall occasionally telling my best friend at the time that the girl is cute, and even went as far as to ask her to collect info& photos about this girl. (What a stalker, I know. Don’t I wish facebook existed then) I would blush when I talk to her, or even when looking at her in the eyes. If that’s not gay, I don’t know what is.

But you won’t believe it when I say that I had no clue. Absolutely none. Even my best friend knew and told me that I’m a lesbian, but I denied it. Not out of embarrassment or shame, more of ignorance and the lack of self-knowledge.

Anyways, fast-forward. I can’t really pinpoint the exact moment when I did come to terms with my sexuality, somewhere around the middle of grade 8. I think it was a progressive realization with many hours spent on computer researching, being a nerd I am.

But what I can tell you though is this, the journey was exhilarating. It explained all the feelings I had for girls since grade 2. It feels like all the pieces finally fitted together and the mystery is solved. I was rather relieved than worried. The worrying hit my later, which is a whole different story in itself.

This post if way longer than I intended to be, and there’s way more I wanted to include. So let’s call it Part one for now, I’ll probably talk about how being gay has changed my religious view for good, in the next post. And I won’t challenge your attention span further.

Except that I didn't really start to take my sexuality serious until I was 16, almost 17. Before then I thought maybe I was asexual because the thought of being with a guy sexually made me wanna throw up. No offence boys! :P Before that I thought that maybe as I got older guys, umm, "parts" would become more attractive. Needless to say they didn't. haha. It took a friend, a girl, telling me that she "use" to be bisexual to make me honestly and seriously look at myself and acknowledge the fact that I might in deed be gay. It certainly worked cause I've become more and more certain that I'm gay. The best thing though, was how accepting I was of myself right away. When I first started questioning I was like hoping that I was gay because I was so sick of the confusion over me not wanting sex with guys. I just wanted to understand myself and what I want and need to be happy.

Once upon a time I ripped the wings from my spine
But when I hide inside your eyes I still pretend that I can fly

Hm.. Maybe all kids should come out as asexual first before the real confession. Then their parents would feel rather relieved. :P I was once convinced that I like guys, now I feel nothing but jealousy towards them.

I remember my early days as a homophobic little asshole. "Back Then" I thought that gays were freaks... And I wasn't eeven sure what they were. Hah.

Until I turned about twelve I was still questioning my identity. I knew I liked boys, but not much more thought went into it. It took nutil lastt year for me to understand my gender identity (Non-gender, androgynous, whatever the heell you wanna call it), and even longer to understand that I really have no desire to be with girls.

The world was so different "Back Then", and I've been asked if I would ever want to go back... And the answer is no, to be honest, I would not want to go back to the way I was. Happier, yes, but ignorant and mean. The world has changed since "Then", sometimes for the better and sometimes for the worse. But I'm so much happier with who I am now.

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Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean there's not an invisible demon about to eat your face.

Technically, I would have to identity myself as being androgynous as well, but to hell with labels. I wouldnt wanna go back either for a million bucks. No pain, no gain, right? I'm happy that you are happy with who you are. =D

Wow...I'm not kidding when I say that this is EXACTLY my story!!! even the timing is the same!!! Yea..i was a tomboy but I had long hair back then and there was a girl like that who got made fun of. and then mom's friends were lesbians and i just kinda was indifferent to them. and even though i was madly in love with this one girl i was like "pssh...me? gay?! nooooo" lol