To celebrate my nephew’s thirteenth birthday, the whole family—as well as a few friends—went to the city to play Airsoft, which is a sport in which participants engage in military-style combat using gnarly looking guns that shoot small plastic pellets. As I told you yesterday, my beloved loving loved ones have engaged for weeks in all manner of trash talking about the Airsoft match, and the trash talking was particularly hurled in my direction, mostly by my brother-in-law Tim, with whom I am occasionally competitive. Oh, I’m competitive with Marlboro Man, yes. But the fact that he’s my husband and I touch feet with him at night tempers it somewhat.

But with Tim and me, there ain’t nothing to temper it. Psychologists might suggest that this is due to the fact that I took his brother away from him or I’m trying to establish my dominance in the sibling-wife triangle. But the boring truth is that Tim and I just enjoy getting each other’s goat. He enjoys trash talking and I enjoy beating him in pretty much every competition that involves a target—especially when the target is each other.

Sounds healthy, doesn’t it?

Here’s our airsoft group! Marlboro Man and our kids, Tim, Missy, and their kids, our good friends Sally and Kent and their three boys, my nephews Nic and Stu, the kids’ cousin Forrest, and Jenni and Allie, two of the most beautiful girls in the world.

Tim was crouching down because he thought a kid was behind him and he didn’t want to block him.

Tim can be very sweet. When he’s not holding a paintball gun. See linked story above.

Anyway, I won’t take you through the whole Airsoft experience. I’ll just tell you a few very, very important things:

* Anyone who tells you Airsoft pellets don’t hurt is crazy, nuts, has no pain receptors in his body, and is smoking pencil shavings.

* Airsoft. Pellets. HURT.

* The first time I got hit with an Airsoft pellet, I screamed, “I’m hit, I’m hit! Don’t shoot! I want my mommy!”

* Then I cried.

* Getting hit with an Airsoft pellet hurts so badly, for the first 25 seconds or so after getting hit, you can’t even believe it.

* Interestingly, after about a minute, when the sting subsides, you forget the pain and go right back out on the battlefield and start playing again.

* In that sense, Airsoft is very much like childbirth.

* Except the morning after childbirth, you don’t wake up with 39 welts and bruises all over your body.

Ouch.

Airsoft: Helpful Hints

If you ever fancy a trip to your local Airsoft course, please keep the following in mind:

* You MUST at all times wear face and eye protection, bro. The course we went to provided masks, and they were adamant that once you enter the course, you are not to remove them. And sure enough, at one point during our battle, I felt sweaty and started to lift up my mask to get some air. Out of nowhere, Big Brother yelled “GET THAT MASK BACK ON!”

I don’t even know where Big Brother was. It was freaky.

Anyway, wear face protection. Which brings me to the worst casualty of the day.

When we all began our first battle, Tim and I wound up on separate teams. Coincidentally, with all the people on our respective sides, he and I wound up going head to head right from the get-go. We were both shielded behind barrels I listened in terror as he peppered my shields with round after round of Airsoft pellets. I didn’t know what to do. So I just waited until his shots stopped. Then I counted to five. Then I peered around the side of my barrel and fired one round in his general direction.

“Hit!” I heard Tim yell. “I’m out!”

Really? I thought. One shot? Am I really that good? I’m really that good!

Eventually, I got hit too (see note above about my screaming about wanting my mommy) so I retreated to the room where one retreats when he (or she) gets hit.

That’s where I saw Tim.

As it turns out, Tim had elected to wear safety goggles in lieu of a full mask. For the record, I did not know this. I had been too busy fastening the masks of my children and myself to notice that he wasn’t wearing a full mask.

Poor Tim!

I told him I was sorry. He laughed. Then I laughed. Then he said I thought you were sorry. Then I looked contrite and said I am, I am. Then he laughed again. Then I laughed again. Then he said I thought you were sorry. Then I looked contrite and said I am, I am! Then he laughed and said of all the people to get me, I can’t believe it was you, what are the chances, etc.

Then he laughed. Then I laughed.

Then he said I thought you were sorry.

And so on…

And so on…

And so on.

* You should wear gloves. None of us did, and both Josh and I got nailed on a couple of our fangers. Josh yelled damn several times and I yelled “Is this even LEGAL?” several times. If you watch Season 3 of my Food Network show this fall, you may notice that I won’t be using my right hand to do any cooking.

I won’t be using my left hand either.

* You SHOULD NOT play Airsoft if you do not enjoy pain.

* You ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO shoot people at close range. Ten feet is the minimum. I would estimate that the majority of my welts came from pellets that were shot from at least twenty feet away. If you’re able to sneak upon an opponent and are closer than ten feet, you’re supposed to point your gun toward the person and clearly say “Safety Kill.” That means they’re out without you having to shoot them.

As the Airsoft employee was explaining this rule to us before we started playing, I actually thought this sounded like a fun approach for the whole competition.

“Let’s just do safety kills all day instead of firing our weapons, guys!” I proposed. “Okay?”

I was ignored across the board.

Barbarians.

* You SHOULD wear some kind of head protection, even if it’s just the hood of a sweatshirt or a stocking cap. I did not, and at one point I took a pellet to the back of the head. And after I cried for my great grandmother Iny to come cradle me on her lap, feed me vanilla wafers, and call me Lambie, I felt the back of my head and found I had a small but very disturbing goose egg. I then marched to the front desk of the establishment and demanded to know if this sport was even legal! Not really, but I really wanted to! So I went and found Marlboro Man hiding behind a barrier and asked him instead.

“Honey!” I demanded. “This is ridiculous! This hurts! Is this even legal?”

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224 Comments and 28 Replies

101

Kate On Tuesday, June 19 at 7:46 pm

My brothers use to hit me with walnuts. I think I could take the pellets.

102

Faith On Tuesday, June 19 at 7:55 pm

We don’t have Airsoft around us but do have a major paintball course about an hour away. My older son LOVES this kind of stuff. Even bought all his own gear. (By the way,
he’s now in the Marines.) My husband and other son had a blast going with him. I thought it might be fun – I am a competitor at heart and a good shot – until I saw the welts and bruises all over their bodies. No thank you. I don’t like pain.

Mary Lou Kemp On Tuesday, June 19 at 8:44 pm

Oh my goodness, this post has me laughing. I especially had a good chuckle when Ree got Tim with one shot. Girl your good!! II would have gotten shot once and then retreated to another room. Sounds like getting hit with a pellet is like getting stung by a hornet.

112

M. Vivian On Tuesday, June 19 at 9:00 pm

Oh my god that was funny… and I feel bad for your bro-in-law all at the same time

113

paula On Tuesday, June 19 at 9:13 pm

seriously…wear the geeky eye protection…even when you’re in the rest areas. I pay clams & have had 2 in the past year for individuals (playing paintball–but still)…that have lost eyeballs. And that’s forever!

Kathy Huffman On Tuesday, June 19 at 9:39 pm

When we go camping in the mountains my grandsons and son-in-law bring all the ammo they can (we now buy eco friendly, dissolving kind) and a gun and eyewear each. We give them instructions to NOT aim for the face but there is always a stray. They have an absolute blast hiding in the forest from each other. I stay out of it.

hahahaha. I’m sorry. You just made me laugh OUT LOUD. ALOT. I love your sense of humor & gift of story-telling. And you are so much braver than I!! Thanks for sharing, Ree.

120

Shari E On Tuesday, June 19 at 10:02 pm

I am not sure I understand this game. Why do people want to shot at people. Does not sound like something I will ever consider. This is not right. I would rather play a boring game of cards then this. Why are people into shoting people. I would rather see you sking in the mountains or why not try water sking? Airsoft will never be a part of my life.

I need to play this game. With my husband. He’d be dead in 20 seconds flat. Did I mention I’d want to be on a separate team? Mostly just because I’m cruel and unusual. We have an awesome relationship

122

MamaC On Tuesday, June 19 at 10:10 pm

Too funny! Just played paintball for a friend’s 40th over the weekend. My first time. OMG! Those suckers hurt when they hit – been walking around with giant bruises all over me – getting some crazy looks too! Yet, it sure was a blast!

123

Melissa G On Tuesday, June 19 at 10:24 pm

Loved the paintball story. Loved the air soft story. I needed a smile tonight, thank you for helping me find it.

Janessa P. On Tuesday, June 19 at 11:14 pm

“He slept on the sofa last night.” That made my day! I laughed so hard I almost fell off my chair!:):):) Thanks so much!

P.S. Tell Marlboro Man I feel sorry for him and hope he sleeps better tonight!:)

126

Jess from Jersey On Tuesday, June 19 at 11:20 pm

My fiance and I, and a bunch of our friends, go airsofting every Thursday night. We all wear gloves, we all have masks… some wear goggles like Tim but you wear a shemagh over your mouth and nose. Plus, we go on adults only night, so the “safety kill” rule goes bye-bye, and you can get shot at close range.

I really don’t think it hurts all that bad… it really all depends on the gun. Now, if you get shot from my gun (did I mention my fiance and I have his-n-hers mp4s? And mine is pink?), it won’t hurt all that badly. But some of our friends have modified their guns with fancy and powerful parts… if you get hit, it hurts.

And it’s GREAT exercise.

127

ken On Wednesday, June 20 at 2:10 am

As a regular commenter I feel OK to say, that I pray I never meet your family in a dark paintball alley.

Aside from that they look like a lot of fun. Albeit a bit scary…

128

Griz On Wednesday, June 20 at 5:56 am

The Tim part was HILARIOUS!!

129

Meme On Wednesday, June 20 at 6:01 am

Which team won?

130

Chaz On Wednesday, June 20 at 7:41 am

Harsh! Taken out by your own husband? On the couch is right!

131

Monie On Wednesday, June 20 at 7:41 am

This hit on Tim…this is how legends get started. My advice is still, proceed with caution…Tim can’t believe you did that…but when his stunned head clears, he is going to be thinking about revenge!

My son (11) loves all thing guns, so we regularly have something shooting in our back yard. ( we live in a neighborhood – which isn’t really great for a son who loves guns ) Anyway. He had his airsoft out back and we were shooting the leaves of our neighbors palm tree…shhhh… but, I was playing with the gun and accidentally (I say accidentally, but I actually aimed it) shot my hand! It hurt like a bugger!!!! So not fun.

133

Shea Z On Wednesday, June 20 at 8:14 am

*He stood up, pointed his gun toward me, and said “Safety Kill.”

He slept on the sofa last night.*

Sorry I had to giggle at this because this is EXACTLY what my own nearest and dearest to my heart would have done to me. I am glad that you had fun….even if it was in the form of being tortured by getting peppered by small plastic pellets.

Oh lovely airsoft! We have a nice treed yard/neighborhood with space and my little Dude (11) and his buddies are out playing airsoft every single day. The first day, it took them about 10 minutes to run to their houses and come back wearing jeans, sweatshirts, hats, gloves, and boots They have a blast! I remember playing paintball as a kid and loving it . . . I have not done airsoft yet – at least paintballs break! Looks like you guys had a great time . . . so jealous!

136

Rachel B On Wednesday, June 20 at 8:24 am

And here I thought I was being a good sport by going geocaching when my daughter suggested it would be a fun Father’s Day activity. Two hours hiking up a mountain trail in 90 degree heat was NOT the most fun I’ve ever had. And it wasn’t even REAL treasure once we found the cache spots. Just a bunch of trinkets and a place to sign your name. Which I did, of course. I mean, I schlepped all that way and on the remote chance anyone else ever does something that crazy, I had to leave evidence I was, for that moment, just as nuts.

138

Holly On Wednesday, June 20 at 8:27 am

Airsoft, yea right, I’d rather get bucked off my horse.

139

Julianne On Wednesday, June 20 at 8:39 am

OH. MY. This post made me laugh out loud and nearly spew my coffee onto the keyboard. So thanks a lot.

ret On Wednesday, June 20 at 8:49 am

Hilarious, poor Tim, and I was thinking MM did you a favor, why the heck would he be in trouble!? You guys are great, work hard-play hard!

142

cmalderman On Wednesday, June 20 at 9:13 am

This made me think of the paintball date in the movie This Means War. Haven’t seen it? See it. It’s hilarious. And it has Tom Hardy in it. Oh, and Reese Witherspoon and Chelsea Handler and Chris Pine. Did I mention it has Tom Hardy? Yeah, the paintball scene is a funny one.
BTW, love the group shot. Umm, I mean picture.

143

Peace L. On Wednesday, June 20 at 9:15 am

can’t. stop. …laughing!

144

leisha On Wednesday, June 20 at 9:16 am

This looks ‘post-apocolyptic’!

145

Terry On Wednesday, June 20 at 9:18 am

LOVED the ending! Made me laugh out loud!

146

Daria On Wednesday, June 20 at 9:27 am

Hope you read this PW,

As a redhead, and a doctor’s daughter, are you familiar with the studies that say redheaded people are more sensitive to pain?

Alice H On Wednesday, June 20 at 9:47 am

Hank is at airsoft camp this week. Physical training, boot camp style, and airsoft battles every day. He’s, of course, having a ball. It looks like fun! I’m tempted to get geared up and go in undercover to surprise him with mommy-ninja moves.

150

Hillary On Wednesday, June 20 at 9:51 am

Double, triple, ouch! l LOVED the group photo but I am way too prone to black and blue marks just walking around my house to even consider an Airsoft battle!

151

Lauren On Wednesday, June 20 at 9:55 am

I walked into the middle of an airsoft war once and got hit right between the eyes! I don’t think I have any desire to ever participate in somethig like this but I should never say never! Glad you survived!

152

Whitney On Wednesday, June 20 at 9:58 am

Another tip— wear baggy clothing! It helps it not hurt as much. This post brought me back, haha, thanks!

153

Sandy On Wednesday, June 20 at 10:06 am

Teach your children well. In 2005, more than 19,000 people were treated for injuries caused by guns that don’t use gun powder, according to the Center for Disease Control. 71% of the injured were under 20 years old. Nevermind, psychological injuries.

Studies have shown that people who play violent war games are conditioned to be moe capable of committing acts of viiolence against one another
Will this cycle be unbroken?

Ben On Monday, June 25 at 2:09 am

Thank you, Sandy! And people wonder what is wrong with this country with all of the violence and death. It starts with morons like these people thinking this is some kind of fun game and encouraging children by buying them weapons. I have 4 children and not one of them ever owned any type of weapon, not even a “squirt gun”. No video games with violence of any sort. You can raise children and have fun parties without violence.

154

CMarie On Wednesday, June 20 at 10:10 am

You know what THEY say: the family that Airsofts together……eat’s ice cream afterwards to ease the stings……..? Okay, maybe not but I’d use ice cream to cool off those stings via ingestion through my mouth and not by rubbing it on the sting! I loved it. Thank you for sharing.

155

Lynn Hooker On Wednesday, June 20 at 10:12 am

Jolie On Wednesday, June 20 at 10:13 am

My hubby “accidentally” shot me in the back of the leg with an airsoft gun while I was wearing shorts. I went DOWN immediately! I had a perfectly round red mark from the bullet and a large nasty bruise for a month. I like to remind him every so often of the day he shot his wife.

157

COCowgirl On Wednesday, June 20 at 10:14 am

I just love your family and its sense of adventure! A family that plays together stays together. Thank you for sharing the laughs and the pains. I am not an airsoft participant. Getting shot will and has literally brought some of my family to their knees, but they keep going back for more!

158

rere On Wednesday, June 20 at 10:15 am

my grandkids (boy and girl) played paintball a while back, 4 or so years ago. there was a group of the kids and they would go out to a friends woods, and the kids just loved it. they said it hurt too! i guess it’s not for wimps.

159

Bev On Wednesday, June 20 at 10:18 am

Thank you. I will NEVER let anyone talk me in to this. Not for money, after several drinks or on a dare. Thank you!

160

ann On Wednesday, June 20 at 10:21 am

What sort of legal documents do you have to sign before playing this “game”?

This recap was hilarious!! And that group lineup reminded me of a picture I once saw of the Navy SEALS!

162

Audra On Wednesday, June 20 at 10:29 am

Please use more pictures showing MM’s arms. Wowza.

163

SHeila On Wednesday, June 20 at 10:41 am

OHHHH Darn I do not think I would like to play… does that make me granniewuss? HE HE He..

164

Kaaren Babb On Wednesday, June 20 at 10:42 am

You light up my life!

165

Julie K On Wednesday, June 20 at 10:44 am

This is so funny. You really made my day. I don’t think I’ll be playing Airsoft because I definitely do NOT like PAIN!

166

Lexi E On Wednesday, June 20 at 10:47 am

Yikes! This sounds like book 4 to the Hunger Games series!

167

Karen On Wednesday, June 20 at 10:48 am

The irony is that the one who’s feet you touch at night gets the couch. Tim gets a paragraph of “I am sorry’s”.

168

Moya Crava On Wednesday, June 20 at 11:03 am

Airsoft, B B guns, guns in general are dangerous if not used properly. To each his own, however, my only hope is that none of the people you love are hurt. An odd take on family, and friends, and how they play.

169

TiffH On Wednesday, June 20 at 11:07 am

That does not sound fun, its like hey like go get covered in bruises, fun, right? I don’t think I will be doing that any time soon. Hope your buises heal fast, mine take weeks.

170

Virginia Craven On Wednesday, June 20 at 11:13 am

Love, Love vanilla-just plain and simple

171

Quiver full On Wednesday, June 20 at 11:26 am

Hope you are not to sore today from all that. I think it sounds fun!;)

That sounds like me dream day out. Without the pain – so I’d have to be smart and not get hit

Oh, but you *have* to touch toes after a day like that….. Just sayin’

175

ShariCee On Wednesday, June 20 at 12:02 pm

I was shot by a BB gun by my brother who said”I didn’t think it would go that far.” Water pistols on a hot summer day are A LOT MORE FUN. Think I’ll stock up on those for when my grandchildren come over.

176

Paula P. On Wednesday, June 20 at 12:40 pm

I hope you are getting around okay today, Ree, but thank you for the laughs. Your family goes on the best adventures!

177

Misha H On Wednesday, June 20 at 12:44 pm

I don’t think I would like that game. The way I bruse I would look like a boxer who lost the fight. Love the group picture!!

Margaret N On Friday, June 22 at 9:49 am

I work at a library and I was reading this post and laughed out loud! I had to cover my mouth…especially when I read the last few lines. I brought my husband (who works here too) over to read your post. He cracked up too. I agree with Mandie: I needed to laugh today. Thank you.

My husband once participated in an airsoft competition. The goal was to take out a target relying on computer guidance completely. He had to test his invention often. He never got my head or face but it still hurt!

191

EF On Wednesday, June 20 at 8:17 pm

MM is flippin’ hot…lucky lady PW (Ree, you are perfect together!!)!

192

jenjen On Wednesday, June 20 at 9:19 pm

disenchanted for sure.

193

Talon On Wednesday, June 20 at 9:52 pm

I’ve said this before, I’ll say it again.

I think I love you.

194

Vickie D. On Wednesday, June 20 at 10:26 pm

I would absolutely love this except that I suffer from fibromyalgia and therefore I have overactive pain receptors. So, I’d have to watch with “Big Brother” or referee. Its a shame too because if my pain tolerance was a lot better, I’d be sure to dominate!!! Also, Ree, my brother-in-law and I have a similar relationship. We’re always trying to get each other’s goat. Its great fun!

195

Emily On Wednesday, June 20 at 11:28 pm

My brothers have “airsoft wars” all the time around our place. I usually try not to go outside during the wars due to the fact that I am always the biggest target. Especially when locked in the chicken coop gathering eggs….

196

Liz On Wednesday, June 20 at 11:48 pm

I laughed out loud so many times. Thank you for the highlight of my day!!! Your writing is so hilarious. Love it.

197

Robin from Kent WA On Thursday, June 21 at 12:01 am

I can vouch that they DO hurt! I allowed my husband to shoot me in my thigh (with jeans on) from about 7 feet away. Which I now know is inside the safety kill range! Not sure if I would want to compete and probably get shot multiple times!

199

Dee On Thursday, June 21 at 7:57 am

I feel your pain (literally-OUCH!). I’ve been Airsofting OR paintballing as we call it in my state….AND it does hurt like the beejesus…..But I will say that I had such a Grand time and thoroughly enjoyed it…..

200

Reed's mom On Thursday, June 21 at 8:02 am

Paintball is brutal ! My 12 year old son recently was invited to go along with some friends to a paintball event that was won at a school auction. Basically it was students vs teachers. Upon arriving home, he proudly showed me this ‘ battle wounds’ that were all over his body ( legs, arms, his ” bootocks “) but one in particular was precisely in the middle of his chest. My first reaction was ” Who was the B***ard who shot my baby through the heart ?” My son kept saying ” Ma – it’s no one’s fault- it was just a game Ma- Ma, it’s ok really ” LoL..