Laments & Observations

Kim, this is Kim, now pay attention September 4, 2008

Grace and I were talking about a guy she used to like in high school (and let’s be honest – “like” is a very conservative word here) and how she talked to him recently and it was like, eh.I said to her, “The 1986 you would’ve been shocked if the 2008 you told you this. In fact, you’d be really pissed at you.” Which got me thinking. What would the 2008 Kimmy tell the 1986 Kimmy? Here are the things that immediately came to mind:

You will be very happy about your hair. This $120 flat iron called a Chi will change your life and blow this Con-air straightener shit right out of the water. You will no longer use mousse – yes, believe it! You will use many other products though.

You will marry a Southern Baptist Republican from South Carolina. Stop laughing.

If you’re counting on two kids by the time you’re 35…well, let’s not talk about that, okay?

You and your husband will move approximately eleven times in your first twelve years together. Invest in some good luggage now and stock up on book boxes.

You will still buy Stephen King books as soon as they come out.

I’m sorry to tell you this, but you’re not going to live in NYC. There, there dear, stop crying! You’ll still manage to go there once a year or so to shop.

A singer named Kid Rock will replace Jon Bon Jovi as your number one pretend famous boyfriend. Don’t worry, he has long hair too.

You and Grace will still be friends and talk almost every day. I know, not surprising. And don’t worry about the long-distance bills you think you’d have from living in a different state…it’s too hard to explain, but you won’t need to talk on the phone to communicate.

The glasses you should be wearing right now but aren’t? Yeah, you’re an idiot. And don’t bother trying contacts because you’ll hate them. Don’t worry though; glasses actually become a fashion accessory in the future.

You think you hate Algebra now? Ha!

Madonna is fifty now and she’s still doing concerts. You still haven’t seen her in concert, but she looks pretty much the same except for scary man-arms.

Swatch watches no longer matter. I’m sorry. Actually neither does everything you’re wearing right now: the Bennetton sweatshirt, high top Reeboks and Espirit pants. All gone. Except for people who wear that stuff ironically. You won’t.

You think Will Smith is doing pretty good with the Fresh Prince of Bel Air? No need to worry about his career.

Ditto Johnny Depp.

On the flip side of that, you may want to take down all those Michael Jackson posters. Just trust me.

I really hate to disappoint you with this one, but there still aren’t Jetsons cars to fly to work in. However, I’m really hesitant to tell you how much gas costs. You probably wouldn’t believe me anyway.

A woman almost got to run for President this year and now another woman is running for Vice President. I swear, it is true.

You’ll still keep a diary, but along with that you’ll write something called a “blog” almost every day that is like a diary, but is on the computer and all your friends will read it. Yes, you start letting people read your diary. Weird, right?