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Last night I guilt tripped Ryan into watching the movie Blue Valentine. Ryan Gosling and Michelle Williams (the slut from Dawson’s Creek) are in it, and it’s basically about the disintegration of a marriage. Pretty shitty movie to watch, since we just got engaged, but I love Ryan Gosling so I watched it anyways. There is a scene in the movie when Ryan Gosling’s character is trying to get Michelle Williams’ character to talk to him by pretending that if she doesn’t speak, he will jump off of a bridge. At this point in the movie, my Ryan got pissed off. He starts ranting about how he is the only one who can see right through Ryan Gosling:

“This guy is such a douche!!! Every movie he’s in he’s threatening some chick into going out with him by saying he will jump off of a ferris wheel or a bridge!!! His pick up lines are bullshit and so is he!!!!! He’d never jump!!!! Why do women believe this shit?!WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO SEES THIS?!?!…The movie Drive was pretty good…but other than that, the guy is full of shit!!!! “

He then proceeded to open the living room window in a fit of rage. His threats to do a one-armed hang from the window sill to be romantic were empty. Only Noah Calhoun would follow through (if he were real).

Ryan stopped with the window act only when he heard my camera phone go off (you have to be careful how you behave in front of someone who blogs). I told him I wouldn’t post the picture on my blog and he calmed down from his Ryan Gosling rant/protest (I’m a liar, but at least I cropped out his Ed Hardy boxers, which I surprisingly have not burned yet). I started to explain to my Ryan why girls love Ryan Gosling so much. As I explained, Ryan perused Google image search for bad pictures of RG from his earlier days in a pathetic attempt to turn me off from this hunky star from The Notebook. Ryan always does this, tries to ruin the spark between me and my Hollywood soulies. He searches for bad pictures of them to do a side-by-side with. Like, the other night he made me watch What’s Eating Gilbert Grape so that I’d stop obsessing over Leonardo DiCaprio. He also tells me every day that Leo’s facial structure is that of a dwarf. I’m unsure why Ryan thinks this tactic works, or how Leo looks like a dwarf. I actually ended up thinking that Leo was endearing as Arny in Gilbert Grape. Totally backfired on Ryan. But anyways, I explained the main reason that girls love Ryan Gosling (other than him being a total smoke):

“Girls love Ryan Gosling because Ryan Gosling doesn’t look like a rapist when he has a beard, even if it’s not maintained.”

So simple. Proper beard maintenance. We don’t care if you’re hanging off the roof of the Pru, if your beard looks like shit, we aren’t going to be wooed. I know I already told Ryan “yes” to his proposal, but it wouldn’t hurt for him to lay with me in the middle of Newport Ave. one night. Spontaneity keeps romance alive!