Sunday, August 30, 2009

A better week eating wise but still not where I was at before I was living at home. School is the savior that gives me an excuse to stay away from the kitchen. I just spend most of my in the library doing homework with no money on me so there is no way I can get food from the cafeteria it's perfect really. Now on the weekdays I don't spend much time at home with my parents because of my schedule. The nights I am home with them I stay upstairs most of the time but I go down to the kitchen twice once to "eat" a snack then a second time because I have to eat some sort of dinner in front of mom and dad. Dinner is usually like a Smart Ones or something low in calories. I really feel it's a good plan since I make sure not to eat much if anything on these days. I just need to figure out a weekend plan because my parents tend to be around during all meal times this my take me a little longer figure out but I'm sure I'll think of something.

The first week of school went smoothly. Although on the advice of disability services I dropped one class and replaced it with a different one. Which was the right decision because I would have just struggled to understand what was going on all semester long. My other classes are great though I knew I was worrying for no reason. Although every time I look at my class schedule I laugh because I took a nutrition class to fulfill my health requirement I find it kind of funny. Oh and FYI to any of you college students here in the states who want to save some money don't buy your books rent them. The two best book renting sites I found are Chegg.com and Campusbookrenter.com. Instead of paying $100 plus for each book I paid around $30 for each book and I can highlight in them if I want. The books are in really good condition at the end of the semester I send the books back with the prepaid shipping label it's great like Netflix for textbooks. Sorry to sound like a commercial here just being poor makes me look for ways to save money especially since I'm now a poor college student who has to pay for school myself this time around.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

*Sorry if this post jumps around or doesn't flow well. My mind is just thinking about a million things at once right now.*

So finished moving which hopefully means I wont be so stressed out which means I wont eat very much if anything now. Whenever I get really stressed out I eat and eat and eat I don't know why I guess that's just my way of dealing with things. Plus I had to get use to living with people again I totally avoid going down stairs at meal times. My parents like to make their food on the George Foreman Grill and the smell just made me eat everything in sight.

This concept of actually having food in the cupboards is so foreign to me. After living the last 2 1/2 years without having much to eat in my kitchens it's been difficult to remember exactly how make it look like I'm eating without actually eating or that even though there is food in the house how not to eat it. Even though I enjoy having some social interaction everyday I wish I could live with someone like Charlie again who didn't really give a damn about my eating habits. I feel so fat I must have gained 100 pounds the last two weeks and I'm sure every inch of me giggles when I move yuck. That's okay though because tomorrow I'm going back to working out at least every other day with serious food restriction with a few days of fasting mixed in. I can't wait to start starving myself again Ana has been screaming at my fat ass at the top of her lungs to get back to work and now I will be able to give into her.

Had my first day of school yesterday I hope I do good. I've only had one class but I'm a little nervous about doing good. I always get overly nervous about things that I don't need to worry about. I should be asleep right now I have class in a few hours I'm just excited and nervous and overly stimulated about getting back to normal. Well I don't want to turn this into a novel so I will end here. I have so much to tell you ladies but I better not blurt everything out and make my writing choppier then it already is.

Friday, August 21, 2009

Hey Ladies just a quick post I haven't been forced into treatment or anything just extremely busy. I'm so sorry I really miss you all and I will be back to posting on a regular basis on Monday at the latest. I've been moving back home and I am a notoriously slow mover. As any of you with ADD/ADHD will know when it comes to things I don't like doing/ don't want to do I get distracted easily. When it comes to things I love/want to do I can focus like Hermione Granger. Those of you with ADD/ADHD know what I mean it's a very odd learning problem I don't like to call it a disability because I don't feel like it's a disability it just means like I've said before that I learn different than others.

I hate when I get to busy to post because this blog and you ladies are what keep me on track and I love you are so much for that. I know some of you have written me e-mails and I apologize to you for not answering them especially to fallen-angel I've always seen so much of myself in you I worry that you feel the way I would if someone didn't answer me in so long. I don't hate you or anything I love you so much like I've said before you where one of my first readers and will always hold a special place in my heart. All of you hold and special place in my heart you all keep me strong and I can't wait until I've finished moving and school starts so I have time to post again. I apologize if this post doesn't make a whole lot of sense or jumps around a lot I

just got in from bar hoping with some old high school friends so I'm a little tipsy not drunk just tipsy after 2 drinks because no eating and lack of calorie intake. Ok, ok I lied I've been drinking at my parents alone I have no friends. But I did only have two drinks with very little calorie intake before I felt tipsy now four drinks later I'm fully wasted and want more plus for fuck sake I'm horny as hell I miss being thin and a whore because I'd fuck anyone anywhere anytime. Now that I'm fat I can't fuck anymore because well I'm fat. I want to call Charlie and ask him if he's got a new girlfriend who is as sexually adventurous as I am. If she is then I will be the girl they are looking for I will have a 3-some with them not like it would be my first 3-some anyway I'm so horny. Sorry I'm such a whore ladies and don't tell me I'm not because my motto is "if she doesn't swallow than she doesn't deserve a cock to fuck her. Well until Monday or maybe sooner goodbye and keep starving.

Sunday, August 2, 2009

Been busy as hell this last week. My lack of posting isn't because I've fallen back into sleeping all day because of my depression or anything like that. After this next week things should be slow down and I will be back to posting almost everyday.

I was such a pig tonight though because my sister and I had a BBQ for my dads birthday. I had a small steak, some salad, corn on the cob, fruit salad, a slice of ice cream cake, and a captain and diet coke. I honestly can't remember the last time I had a meal with so many different foods. Like normally I can pick either some carrots, a piece of fruit or a slice of low calorie bread. With my family if I don't have enough food on my plate they will put more on it for me. I think they suspect my eating habits but don't say anything. So to avoid this I put a little bit of everything on my plate. I wasn't going to drink but well my sister was yelling at me all day because she's stressed out with planning her wedding already. I finally started crying when she came out while I was grilling and told me what a bitch I was. I was finally like I need a drink to make it through this dinner. All I know is that she better calm the fuck down or I'm out. Lord knows I'm not mentally stable enough to be yelled at a lot be one person even with all the work I've done in therapy. I'm sure me being little miss emotional has something to do with the fact that I didn't have my period last month. Damn you period if you are too long my emotions get out of whack and if you don't come at all my emotions get out of whack.

About Me

"So I'm out of control and out of my mind just remember one thing I think I'm just fine"
Don't try to fix me I'm broken but because I'm a perfectionist I will be the most perfect broken girl in the world. I just need a place to talk about my fucked up self and have people who can relate to me. If my issues bother you then fuck off because I will always be broken. I just want to be thin and find a way to be happy someday. My blog title says it all I'm hurting inside.