Ha-Ha! A female is the same in any world! When facing a problem, she always resorts to powdering her nose or putting on lipstick.-Wannabe world-conquering alien shortly before Bat-Girl gives him his comeuppance; Batman: 153 (1963)

January 18, 2005

Blackhawk 240 (1968)

Today I embark on an entry detailing the most sexually adventurous comic in my collection. And, although Howard Chaykin would come to be associated with the Blackhawks years later, this is no Chaykin tale.

No, this comic is from 1968. It’s even approved by the Comics Code Authority. And it involves all 7 Blackhawks going gaga for a cross-dresser. It’s called “He Who Must Die” or, as those of us in the know call it “Dude Looks Like A Lady!” Hawk-a-a-a!!!!!

What are the four elements that make this one a winner? Here you go:

-This is during the Blackhawks’ short-lived super-hero phase;
-Bob Haney wrote it;
-The plot turns on lady-killer Andre being afraid of women; and
-The femme fatale that charms Andre and the Blackhawks ain’t no lady.

Yes. That’s right. This is the Blackhawks’ series answer to The Crying Game. In fact, it has been some time since I’ve seen the film, but I’m pretty confident in asserting that the movie stole the plot and dialog of this story word for word and action for action. See if you don’t agree when you’re done reading along here.

Let’s start at the beginning - a splash page that picks up toward the end of the action. We see Andre. You know him. He’s been the ladies’ man of the Blackhawks in stories you and I have read. But not this time. This is Bob Haney’s universe. Today, Andre is and always has been deathly afraid of women. On the splash page, Andre is laughing in the face of a firing squad, despite being in a room decorated with over 100 skulls, all victims of super spy Le Croc. But the laughter turns to fear when the firing squad is revealed to be a bunch of hot chicks in sexy green one-piece outfits. Huh? I’ll let Haney take over here:

One moment facing death as cooly [sic] as a man emptying his pipe—and the next instant reduced to cowardly trembling? There must be a story behind this—and there is! It started a few days earlier….

And which point we get this panel with all the Blackhawks going gaga over a picture of this “master spy”, who goes by the name Natasha Zero.

As I mentioned, this story takes place during the super-hero era for the Blackhawks, although Haney obviously had no patience for that, as other than suiting up in this panel, the super hero “powers” barely come into play. When they were super-heroes, the Blackhawks were the bitches of G.E.O.R.G.E. (Group for Extermination of Organizations of Revenge, Greed and Evil). In this issue G.E.O.R.G.E. wants its errand boys, the Blackhawks, to get Natasha to double-cross Le Croc. The Blackhawks agree that with the exception of Andre they are all too ugly for the job (really they do – DC heroes of the 1960’s were pragmatic about their chances with the opposite sex). However, as Chuck notes “Andre is scared silly of dames.” Bob Haney you cliché-twisting genius. The suave Frenchmen is afraid of the ladies. So afraid, that Andre asks for the assignment (actually he asks for ze assignment, but let’s not quibble) before he loses his nerve.

Thus begins “Operation Great Lover” and what is more or less an Andre solo story. Strap in fans. It’s the swingin’ 1960’s and Andre is about to embark on what passed for soft-core porn in pre-Cinemax days. Several “encounters” involving tough love ensue in which the sexual tension leaps off the page and in which Andre makes a fool of himself – including getting shoved off the top of the Eiffel Tower – before saving himself with – oh you’ll love this – with his “handy dandy Blackhawk retro-rocket pack”. Look at this panel my friends.
Do you see it too? The retro-rocket is attached to Andre’s ass! Or should I say derriere? Mercifully, Andre is then captured before being rescued by the other Blackhawks, making a cameo appearance.

In the fight, Natasha escapes into the sewers of Paris and Andre pursues. Tantalizingly, Natasha terrorizes Andre with shadows (okay, so this wasn’t Andre’s finest moment) before, in a moment of erotic irony, catching him from behind! The seduction causes Andre to lose control of his muscles which “flutter like frightened pigeons”. Can we all agree what that means?

Finished with the foreplay, Natasha begs the trapped Andre to “kiss my hand” (wielding a ring with poison gas), but Natasha has teased too long - the steamy air (whether from the French sewer, the sexual tension or another consequence of Andre’s muscle control problems isn’t clear) has caused Natasha’s make-up to melt and his wig to flip off! Or as Blackhawk put it, showing a way with words only great leaders have:

Well I’ll be an anthropoid’s uncle! Natasha Zero was a man!

Once the wig is up, Andre instantly regains control of his muscles and he decks Natasha, informing us that he has been cured of his fear of beautiful females. I thought that sounded a bit implausible, but I checked and apparently, fear of women can be solved by punching cross-dressers. Psychiatry can be such a tricky business.

And so the story ends. A friend of a friend who is a cook on Blackhawk Island told us then after this tale, whenever Andre tried to give Chop Chop a hard time about Chop Chop’s embarrassing early days as a racially-degrading buffoon, Chop Chop just brings up this story and Andre clams up and limps off.

There was a second story in this issue too. And how do you follow a Comics Code-approved tale of and the Frenchman who loved attaching rockets to his butt and whose love muscles fluttered when too near a cross-dressing super-spy? With a tale of a Super Pet of course.

The issue concludes with a reprint from Blackhawk 111 of an adventure starring the Blackhawks’ pet hawk - “The Perils of Blackie, The Wonder Bird”. This reprint was timely, as it was the golden age of super pet stories. You may argue that Blackie was an ordinary hawk, but I defy you to explain this story without conceding Blackie has super powers, not the least of which was the ability to spell his name in morse code.

Next time you hear someone poo-pooing the super-hero era of the Blackhawks my friend, shove a copy of this issue under their nose and you’ll have a convert within 15 minutes.

There never was and never will be another comic like this one. Pass me the Mylar bag. It’s time to bid the original run of the Blackhawks a sad farewell. When we next return to indexing, the subject will be the 1970’s revival of the Blackhawks.

Posted by H at January 18, 2005 09:16 PM

Comments

My favorite panel from the Natasha Zero issue is the one where they first see her, and all exclaim their approval in their trademark ways... hysterical!

Totally bonkers, totally hillarious issue. I loved how it appeared Madame Zero wore a tight, hollowed-out mannequin body to give him that lovely feminine figure. How the heck did the dude breathe?
R.I.P. Bob Haney.

Little wonder they went back to straightforward adventure tales when Dick Giordano edited the last two issues of the original run (with some nifty Pat Boyette art)