Processing Parenting, Perceptions, Paradox and Also Things That Don't Begin With "P"

2/10/2006

more dragons to slay

mommy and baby miles. photo katrina martin davenport, 2006.miles slept for 6 hours straight last night. i have not had that much sleep in four and a half months. when he did wake up to eat, i couldn't go back to sleep. i got up to pump excess milk at three am. and found my mind full of the chorus of weepies songs repeating and my ADD in full swing. i am thinking about fearlessness since yesterday's post. some of my sisters in this covey of artistes speak of fear often. as do i. all of the ruling queens have been speaking of it for ages. we have to visit with new fears, old fears, others' fears so often in this life. one of the questions i am asking myself many times per day is "who would i be without this fear?" and then, "who could i be without this fear?" and also "can i think of one stress free reason to keep this fear?" my inspiration for asking these questions is straight from the woman who made friends with the wind, byron katie.while you may not resonate with katie's method, one cannot deny how powerful her questions can be. i find her to be a helpful friend when i am trying to change someone or hold someone else accountable for what i need to give to myself. check her out if you are in a place like this.so i've taken her idea and applied it to fear. and today i feel like a matador. i don't feel that my own artwork is affected by fear, i do not suffer the blank canvas deer-in-the-headlights syndrome. where fear cripples me is in my ability to be a visionary on my own behalf. i linger without goals, because, what if i say i'm going to do something and i don't? there is nothing worse than that, right?? and we've been there before. that uncomfortable land of "i thought i wanted to be a writer, but now i want to paint...", etc. i see my intergrity crumbling as i make these fanciful promises to myself and don't follow through. are there any other creative people out there who go through this besides me?i want to commit to slaying fear in its tracks. before it makes me judge myself for changing my heart. before it finds me idle, right where it wants me, with few goals and a paralyzed sense of artistic value, playing small to avoid getting hurt....tell me about your fear!!

8 Comments:

oh pixie, I am so with you on this one. last night while we were lying in bed I said to my partner, "so often I thinking that our lives are ruled by fear, what would it be like if they were ruled by curiousity instead?" That little pre-sleep thought has been looping over and over in my head all day. i change all the time from deciding if i will be a writer, a painter, an anthropologist, a baker, a healer and on and on and on. What would it be like to really follow one of those out? Maybe that is my fear.

amy, i'm so happy you say this! because i think we can be all of these things. perhaps not professionally, but just by doing healing work, we are healers (not to mention just by being a woman we are all of the things you mention). so what is our definition of a painter? someone who makes her living by painting? or someone who paints from time to time? we have an expectation associated with the word "painter" that hangs us before we can even try. hmmm. i say down with fear! it doesn't help us in this case!

My love...This is so powerful: "where fear cripples me is in my ability to be a visionary on my own behalf." I imagine this is what so many people struggle with - whether their visions revolve around their place and purpose in the world, in their community or within their very own families. I think this will be my new mantra as I confront what is perhaps my most deep-rooted fear these next few weeks: "Be a visionary on my own behalf". Thank you my dear.

I have similar fears: "What is wrong with me? Why do I want to paint, make collages and sketch clothes when my goal is to be a published writer?" Fears that if I don't force myself to stick with writing, I'll be rendering myself a flake; betraying the support my parents have given in my journey as a writer; fear that I'll abandon my first love entirely and never return; fear that if I don't dilligently chip away at making a name in the publishing world right now, I'll never "make it."

I wonder: Can I do all the things I want? Will I be able to? (Since I'm hindered by several chronic illnesses as well). And what if I spend my whole life with all this talent, passion and creativity...only to waste it by doing nothing?

What would life be without fear?What would I do if i weren't afraid of failing? I am an American living in France. One of my biggest fears is knowing taht maybe one day one of my loved ones in California might be ill or in need and i won't be able to go help them.

I have been struggling with these issues and fears - again, myself. For a long time I thought I had to be This or That, either a writer or a painter...I chose painter for many years, and shut myself off from writing self. Then I discovered the blog world a few months ago and oh, how I fell in love with writing again! The NaNoWriMo! The Blog! But then my inner artist became jealous - why wasn't I taking her out anymore? Just look at all these great opportunities - ATC swaps and tiara challenges and whatnots! So I appeased her for a bit; leaving my writer, waiting...Through it all, I've feared what I may have been missing out on in the other half. Then I lucked into Blogging the Artists Way. Now I'm trying to integrate these two parts of me, to find time for them both to have a voice. I'm still in my cocoon stage; but I'm hoping by the end of the 12 weeks of the Artist's Way, a new hybrid me will emerge, a writer/artist . Best wishes to you, on your path.Namaste.