A story of a 37 year old woman named Alex, working through the trials of infertility, and now raising a little Alex...

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Fattening Up

Here I am, fattening up. Currently receiving my intralipid infusion at home - supposed to be 7-10 days prior to the transfer, and the transfer is 8 days from today! Holy shit, when did that happen? Kind of snuck up on me! So I'm getting my infusion, wondering how this bag of fatty goodness is supposed to make my body not kill a baby. Seriously, how does this work? They say because I have elevated natural killer cells that intralipids will help and decrease my chance of a miscarriage and increase my chances of implantation. I don't get it, and yet this is what I do. I have the fat dripping into my veins, hoping for some sort of protection.

I went into the doc on Tuesday for ultrasound and blood work, and everything looks good. My lining is thick - over 8 mm. I go back in tomorrow for another check, I'll likely start the progesterone on Sunday, and then transfer on Friday.

I can't believe I'm here again. I'm starting to slow down a little at work, and that allows me time to think - not always a good thing. I'm petrified of getting pregnant. Can't I just have a baby? Why do I have to go through all the pregnancy stuff and all the worry and fear that comes with it? I'd really rather not do it! And instead, I'm doing everything I can do live out my biggest fear- getting pregnant! How rational is this? Oh well, guess I threw rational out the window a very long time ago. C'mon, what kind of rational woman puts oil and other fats in their body via an IV???

33 comments:

OMG, I can totally relate to this statement.... "I'm petrified of getting pregnant. Can't I just have a baby? Why do I have to go through all the pregnancy stuff and all the worry and fear that comes with it? I'd really rather not do it! And instead, I'm doing everything I can do live out my biggest fear- getting pregnant! How rational is this?"I could have written that myself!!! Hang in there hun. You are close in my thoughts. Hugs!

I totally relate to your last statement as well. I'm scared to death of being pregnant, but we all have such a yearning for it, we'll do whatever have to. I think it's because we know the end result is so rewarding. Good luck!!

I related, too. Being pregnant after loss is a petrifying prospect. I really liked the idea Bodegabliss suggested that, "I will never know if I can stay pregnant unless I try again." You've been through so much pain and heartache, and yet you are continuing to try. I really admire your courage and strength. I'm wishing you all the best on this cycle! (((Hugs)))

I am totally with you Alex. I desperately want the thing I think will cause more anxiety than just about anything else in this world. I think we all just need to take things baby steps at a time. Good luck with your treatments and this FET!!!!!!!

I know exactly what you mean. My therapist told me a couple of weeks ago to imagine I found out I was pregnant, and then asked me what I was feeling, that was my answer: petrified!I was totally on board with surrogacy, adoption, whatever, but it was just a phase for me. It was an intense one though.

Honestly, it's been so long since I had my miscarriages that it feels now like they've happened to someone else. I used to think that they had robbed me of a possibility of rejoicing over a BFP, but right now I can totally see myself jumping up in joy. This might change though.One thing is for certain, however. Infertility is a mofucking rollercoaster.

I love how you manage to see the humor-- fattening up, indeed! I don't even know what intralipids are, so... yeah, who knows, and WHATEVER as long as it works!

I really think this is your cycle!!!! Eek!

but yeah, the fear is for sure to be dreaded. it sucks! It's a long road, but you're on the road, and moving forwards beautifully. Not sure where the road ends... maybe the fear abates a bit by the time you are attending your child's retirement party. Then again, maybe not!

Too many of us on here can relate to your terror over getting pregnant! Yes, being pregnant again after multiple losses is just terror every moment. It's so unfair - we can't get pregnant the fun way AND we can't have any fun once we're finally pregnant!!

So great the FET is close! I understand you wondering if it will all be worth it. am keeping fingers crossed it is. I know the idea of pregnancy is scary but I know you will be strong enough to face this challenge. Huge (hugs)

This post made me laugh. When we finally get to the point of transfer this donor cycle, I will be doing intralipids for the first time. I asked my RE how this works and his response was "I'm not exactly sure of the specifics, but the literature shows that it does. That's good enough, right?" And you know what? It is good enough for me. I normally need to know the "why's" of everything, but after the length of this journey, I'm strating to just say "Hell...why not?" As long as it doesn't hurt my chances, what's another 5 cheesburgers in my system? I'm really excited for you. Fingers crossed.

It does sound pretty insane when you put it that way! But who cares, as long as it works! I think all of us are a bit insane for wanting so desperately to experience a pregnancy, but that doesn't change the fact that we do want it!

They figured out Intralipids work to calm immune response when they were feeding patients in burn units. Previously, they had to use IVIG, which is much more expensive, and is blood based, so supply is more of an issue.

About Me

I always wanted to be called Alex, and nobody listened to me. I dreamed of the day when I would have my own daughter to call my own, and I would call her Alex. My dream has come true...
Feel free to email me at adventuresofalex @ gmail . com

8/10 - Received diagnosis of compound heterozygous MTHFR mutation - one C677T and one A1298C mutation. Researching implications. Add Folgard 2.2 2x per day and baby aspirin - for the rest of my life...