Bills Paid and Other BS

08Nov

Our conversation continued Sunday evening. M asserted that all he wanted was for us to be able to talk about money. I told him that his notions about when to pay bills and how much money to have in savings were bullshit and just not possible on my income and he would have to learn to deal with it.

“I think we should have $3000 in the bank as a cushion,” he said, all reason and calm.

“Bullshit! You want enough money to pay a whole year’s worth of bills in the bank at all times to make you feel ‘secure’ and it’s been a constant bone of contention between us for years!” I was seeing red. $3000 was MY idea of an emergency fund, and he shot it down as being “irresponsible,” “unrealistic” and just plain naive over and over again.

“I don’t know why you think I say these things…” he started in on me. “I can change my mind, you know…”

“Your flip-flopping and denying you raked me over the coals about an issue is called crazy-making,” I informed him.

“Yeah, I do feel like you’re making me crazy…” he says, head in hands, despair in his voice and posture.

We finally agreed that he would give me $500* and we would go down to the assessor’s office to pay in person on Monday and make sure that they had the correct address information. We agreed that since this issue makes him so anxious, I would take his view and pay ASAP instead of waiting another week. Okey-dokie! We have a plan.

I woke up Monday, got dressed to go to town (it’s normally a day off for me and I would have dressed in grubby clothes to get the house ready for company on Tuesday and do yard chores) and did the computer work, etc. I said that I wanted to run by the employment office to check on a job before we paid the taxes and he blew up.

“I thought we were going to go pay next Monday?” WTF?!? Hadn’t we agreed just the night before to go ASAP so that he would be able to let go of some anxiety? Didn’t I agree that another week of him climbing the walls just wasn’t worth not taking cash from him? Didn’t I say that I would give in on this so he would just shut the fuck up? Why did I wake up with the idea that we were going to town on Monday if we agreed to something else?

So I was treated to yet another lecture about how I just don’t listen to him. How he is always giving in to me to avoid confrontation. How I just can’t understand that his brain is getting fuzzy and he needs my help to manage these details. Why won’t I let him grow old gracefully? He had a full day planned and now he has to change clothes to do this other thing, blah, blah, blah.

We went down to the assessor’s office, paid the bill, changed the address and came home. I was in a bit of a rage. He stayed out of my way for the rest of the day. I guess he won – I got pissed, confused, and finally gave in to his wishes.

The property taxes are paid, though, so I don’t have to listen to his bullshit about that. I paid the other bills, too.

He’s going out of town again, from Sunday afternoon to sometime on Friday. I have plans. I hesitate to put them down here on the off chance he were to discover this blog. When I do go public, will there be backlash because I had started planning to leave so long before I actually did it? I think this constant “guilt” feeling is why so many women in my situation stay so long – will I be censored because I left when he “needed” me so much? What is he telling other people about our situation? Why do I give a fuck?

* But not until after he told me all the things he “needed” to spend the money on, how it was really going to be a hardship but he felt that he needed to contribute something after fucking up about last years’ property taxes and not until after he called me a liar for telling him I had it handled and called me irresponsible many more times.

You can do this. Leave the guilt behind. You are treated like garbage and you deserve more. Once you go you can stop listening to his garbage…all of it. Who cares why, who cares what he says, who care about anything except the fact that you are going to make a positive change in your life. Leave it all behind and look ahead.

Thank you for re-affirming what I know to be true. The doubt cycle is getting shorter as his rages come closer together and I find myself questioning what is actually happening. Without this blog record I don’t think I would be any closer to leaving than I was 5 years ago – it’s the nature of living with a Narc and I can’t seem to shake the training he’s worked so hard to give me – the stomach-clenching guilt is like a Pavlovian response that I haven’t mastered yet. Having outside observers sure does help!

I plotted my escape for quite a while, and I actually planned a hysterectomy into mine. LOL! Might as well deal with that little issue while I was still on the good health insurance; right? After the divorce it would’ve been out of the question…heh… I’m not sure how many women work that into their exit plan, but you need to do what you need to do to take care of yourself and get your ducks in a row (provided there is no imminent fear or risk). I think you handled it just fine and I am so glad you got out. Good for you for having a plan!

Good for you taking care of business while you still had good insurance! The Narc never did anything for me in that line, but I would have done the something similar if I could have – I need a bunch of dental work…