well, AMAZING TENS, it’s been a good long while since we have shared screen to screen moments. When our eyes meet over the same words at different times…it’s like a deliciously delayed serendipity.

A lot has happened in the cook’s life over the last tens of months, I worked my buns off at cooking instead of making up words and ended up opening my own restaurant in the lovely East Village of the most amazing town west of the Mississippi and east of the Missouri, Des Moines. Things are going swimingly so far (we are only just over a month in), and we have received our first few PRINT REVIEWS FROM FOOD CRITICS. This is a moment I have been pretty nervous for, as some of you know I have been less than forgiving towards the writers of food article type things. I sat in anticipation, knowing that my restaurant is doing things NEARLY up to my standards (if you are doing things right as a chef/owner/kitchen cat herder the nothing is going to be up to your standard…because of obsessing and raising the mental bar every day.), and also knowing that I have potentially upset a number of people who would be finally maybe writing/judging my true body of word, Tacopocalypse. Turns out, either I am a little paranoid about the whole food reviewer thing (duh), or my crew is really doing the job that I am perceiving that they do. Probably both. All reviews have been very kind and positive at this point. Thank you, we have truly worked hard to make sure that the dining experience is top notch for every person walking in the front door. I know it’s all about personal perception, and the persons perceiving so far have been very happy. Thank you, again.

Here’s the thing about personal perception: It’s personal. Every single individual sees similar situations in slightly (or wildly) different ways. Creating an experience that keeps a majority of the poplulace is a challenge because of this. What keeps one happy can ultimately infuriate the next. It’s some really frustrating shit, the kind of frustrating shit that birthed that keeps restaurant folk on their toes and continually aging faster than the rest of the populace, the kind of frustrating shit that caused this blog. It’s the kind of shit, that if you encounter it for a long enough period of time, you might start finding the humor rather than the stomach grinding pain of it all.

Thank you to all who have visited my new restaurant and have elevated it to a level of medium-ish success with your shining faces, and especially to you critics…I hope that you come back and continue your positive personal perception of what we here are doing.

You know what, I might just start writing this blog again. It feels good. Just hope it doesn’t get me into any trouble…hahaha.

Well, Tens, it’s been almost a week now. A whole week without the non-rythmic word stylings of the Artist Formerly Known As The Datebook Diner. A whole week which we learned that she will still indeed be writing for the Register, albeit on a monthly basis, and that she will continue to milk her Register-hosted blog for all its cook book marketing worth. I also learned that she will be acting as a server at the newly-taken-over Proof restaurant in the Western Gateway. Incredible, I can’t wait to have her wait on my table. I am sure the service will be French-tastic.

whatevs.

Tens, I am here to call the whole thing off. We have had a good run with Winni as our main subject here, and I am thankful for my friends who slip little notes into my email in-hole early in the morning to tip me off to her…things she does. I know that the fun contained within the digital confines of this blogular entity has been lost on her for about two years, she doesn’t return my tweets or comments ever, and I am sure that if we were to actually run into each other in public she would either ignore me or give me that “whatevs” look.

Sure, in a movie about the Datebook Diner I would cast Kristin Stewart, And The Cook would be a hybrid shiny vampiristic wherebear who was her sidekick, kinda like a really fucked up Chewbaca. They would argue constantly because The Cookbaca would always substitute olive oil for butter, which isn't very French.

And that is fine, I have earned that look (even if it actually comes from Kristin Stewart) but I would rather meet up with Winni and have this kind of situation transpire:

This is a better, more peaceful, scenario in which I would like to encounter the Artist Formerly Know As The Datebook Diner.

With all of that sort of said, I think that ragging on the AFKATDD is OVER. Winni, if you are out there, I leave you to market your super amazing cook book and spread the French in peace. It’s been a great time witnessing and reacting to all of the…stuff…over the years but it is time for this Cook to move on. Enjoy your not really new life doing pretty much what you were doing before, with the addition of pretending you are a restaurant worker (I did think your old waitress picture was damn adorable), and you can continue ignoring what I write because it…well…I will probably just retire this blog. So, farewell, see you down the road.

Yes, we have been absent again after a big push to start things back up fooltime. Full time. BUT DON’T GET SALTY! The weather blossomed into an early spring which caused me, The Cook, to do my job of cooking again. Last time we checked in our main subject of honor had announced her retirement from reviewing the restaurants in Our Fair City to pursue her other, more Francophilic, interests. I, along with my cohorts, have been poring over her increasingly truncated reviews, trying to find something LG-worthy to share. No luck there, until yesterday. Last night I fired up my Android (uggg) powered Google Reader application and among my plethora of news items from Cat Fancy and Milk Chugger’s Magazine I found a little post from our beloved DD concerning what she will not be missing upon her leaving the eating scene of the DMZ (Des Moines Zone).

First I would like to state that a person whom after nearly 14 YEARS of writing about a dining scene publishes one of their final articles regarding said scene and chooses only NEGATIVES to outline her nearly 14 YEARS of writing about said dining scene maybe shouldn’t have been writing about our city to begin with. After all of that time and all those hundreds of reviews all she has to say to the diners, restauranteurs, chefs, cooks, and servers is THREE NEGATIVE STATEMENTS ABOUT WHAT SHE WON’T BE MISSING ABOUT WHAT DES MOINES HAS BEEN DOING WITH FOOD OVER THE LAST NEARLY 14 YEARS. What will she not miss? Read Here. We have all spent a long time reading about her complaints, and I personally think she could have come up with a better list. (on a little tangent, I can’t help but think when she took the job, nearly 14 years ago, she was in another city with a less French Name and saw an opportunity to live in the “Midwest Riviera” but upon arrival found the dread of gloppy soup, iceberg lettuce, and giant wasteful portions to be so oppressive that she decided that if she has to do this 13 or 14 more times, she is out of here)

Seriously, you serve me gloppy soup 13 or 14 more times, and I am OUT OF HERE! -Datebook Diner

So what do we here at the world’s most dangerous food blog (about Des Moines) think that the list should have included? First off, it should be a POSITIVE list that doesn’t read like an elementary report card that says “Your kid will never learn, they are hopeless and you should just give up for there is no hope for change.” Maybe after blah blah blah years said food reviewist could find at least three things to miss about Our Fair City and those whom bring you publicly consumed food? Here are three-ish things that, after our NEARLY THREE YEARS of writing about the DD, we would expect to see in a list written by her, if she wasn’t being a constant “negative nancy.” (btw, just because your job title includes the word “critic,” it doesn’t preclude you from making positive statements) So here it is, the….

Three-ish Things We Feel The Datebook Diner Should Miss About DSM Dining

(if she wasn’t being such a negative-pants)

The growing of French cuisine in Des Moines. Back when DD started out in Des Moines there were very few choices for French dining. Over the years French has come and French has gone, but our current state of French Dining in the city of the monks finds us a plethora of French-based restaurants. Bistro Montage, Django, Tartine, La Mie, Baru 66…these are all places that should bring joy to a Francophile’s heart.

The Farmers’ Markets. The Farmer’s Market isn’t a wholly French concept, but it is French enough for a Francophile to come enjoy. On Saturday mornings you can walk through the market, sample prepared foods, buy fresh baked breads and locally grown produce and meats, and see some of our more ambitious Chefs of des Moines chatting with local farmers and picking out the freshest goods for their menus. It is my understanding that the DD never really liked the Farmers Market (at least the Down town iteration) and kept visits to a minimum. The Farmers Market is the life of our Dining Scene during the summer…but maybe now that her job isn’t reviewing food she will stop down more often.

Watching A City Grow. You get a job reviewing restaurants in Chicago, New York, LA, SF, any larger city and you get to jump right in to a dining scene which has been thriving for many decades. If you took a job doing the same thing NEARLY 14 YEARS AGO, you were in a very special position to watch what was once a chain restaurant hell with a few local choices, most of which probably served gloppy soup, to what it is now: A growing community of chefs and restaurateurs whom are constantly working to raise the bar in the dining scene. We have a respected culinary program just to the north in Ankeny (Iowa Culinary Institute/DMACC) and the students of that program are staying in town with increasing frequency, seeing an opportunity for growth…or even of a fast rise to ownership. It’s a much different world from the day George Formaro was baking bread on South Union to this day after Chef Formaro and his cohorts at Orchestrate worked for over a decade to change the face of what and how we eat (even if he has been damned for portion size). Things are much different now, and are growing at an increased rate. DD had the opportunity to watch all of this from the inside, yet it doesn’t seem to matter in the context of her career in DSM.

Influence. Maybe she should miss the somewhat misguided influence she wielded over the dining public? Her words have had noticeable impact on the lives of restaurants. In fact I have watched a few close with a quickness after a Datebook Diner review (not that a few of those few weren’t warranted). Whatever.

There are many more, but alas, I am out of time and have to go do my actual job. Keep following along, there are only two more weeks of our current DD’s reign of terror…then it’s time for to pick on the new guy/gal.

I regret to inform you that the most popular person featured in this blog is stepping down from her food reviewing post to concentrate on other Frenchness. I mean endeavors… In true DD style, I will just repost her words for you.

From the Des Moines Register Datebook Diner Blog from March 6th, 2012:

I’m Ready to Pass the Plate!

9:04 AM, Mar 6, 2012 | by W.E. Moranville |

A few weeks ago, I visited a class of third graders to explain the ins and outs of restaurant reviewing. Kids ask the cutest questions, such as, “Has the food ever made you barf?” (For the record, no.)

At one point, after I had mentioned that I had been writing the column for 14-plus years, one kid raised his hand and asked, “So, when will you stop being the Datebook Diner?”

Interesting question. But what it reveals is that even a third-grader sensed that 14 years was a really long time to be doing this job.

And he’s right. In fact, I’d been thinking it was time to move on for a little while now. While it’s hard to give up a gig that combines two things I love to do (eat and write), it’s time for me to—in the lingo of people who move on from jobs—“pursue other opportunities.”

I also want to focus on more healthful dining, both in my career and my personal life. And let’s face it, that isn’t easy to do when you’re the restaurant reviewer—it’s not the focus of most restaurants.

Finally, I simply think it’s time to let someone else give a fresh perspective on the restaurant scene.

There you have it, folks. WEM managed to squeeze in a few jabs about how long she has been subjected to the grueling lifestyle of a food reviewing person, pimp out her new cookbook in yet another Register forum, throw a subtle punch about how unhealthy it is to dine in DSM (damn portion sizes) , and then claim that she thinks it’s time for someone else to bring a fresh take on the scene.

Who should that be? Any ideas?

Winnie, we are going to miss you here at Locally Grown. In fact, we may have to change our whole format back to what it was intended now that you are not going to be around…especially Ace Editor Bathory (here’s a picture for old time’s sake)

Gonna Miss Mew.

Next month will be her final review. I hope there is at least one during that time that is worth an old school picking apart. Keep your fingers crossed.

Dearest Tens,

So many things to write about, and so little time. Today we will have fun in a different kind of way. A way that we have never had fun here at the LG before. I am going to personally go on record as agreeing with the DD on her review of the newly owner-ized Library Cafe. It was a nice preliminary visit write up and made me want to go pay them a visit. I also have it on good information that they have a great beer selection, including a stand alone tap of my personal favorite brew, Pabst. I may go there tonight in some skinny jeans riding a fixie to get the hippest experience from my long time love of a beer. We shall see.

Great Job FCP! You did not invoke the French Connection!

So here is a link to this ground breaking piece of food writing (it does not mention Star Bar or France even in a remote way) (although in a twitter conversation DD did admit that she wishes it was on Ingersoll, which I just figured out was most likely a humor joke related to the SB thing. That is funny. I am a little slow on the uptake some days). (Ever seem like there are too many parenthetical statements on this blog? I thought so.)

Go read and enjoy for yourself. I bet you feel like going there to eat after you read. Nice job to the Library Cafe staff and the fine folks of Full Court Press for doing a great job. Making everything in-house is legit. I will be there soon for some good times.

I love cats and Frank Herbert. And this picture.

See you next week, tens. I have a few things half written in the que for you all. It is sure to piss in many many bowls of round oat-laden breakfast cereal.

Hello, Tens. I have once again made a small clearing in the haystack of my precious-esque time to bring you a little gripe regarding a poorly performed food review job-type-thing. It has been a while since I have had a complaint about food writing that I deemed worth the energy to spout forth towards your internerd browsing ocular apparati, a fact to be taken not-so-lightly when the news about to be broken to you is finally broken to you in the next paragraph, just after this upcoming title thing. I present to you:

The Great Datebook 2 For $20 Debacle Of Ought 11

Let me re-start by saying that the staff of the Des Moines Register (save for the Illustrious Datebook Diner, who is most likely too busy planning her cooking-book promotional tour of the Greater DMZ this fall to stop by the Farmers’ Market and visit my booth) and DSM Register published Juice magazine have been more than amazing to me during the last few weeks of my fledgling foray into chef/ownership. Thank you to all who have become friends and regular stoppers-by. This debacle has nothing to do with you. Unless one of you happens to be Trevor Fisher. If one of you happens to be TF, please accept my light backhand slap to your face for your writing infractions and continue on with your taco liking.

(Finally) The story: This past Friday I was enjoying a sub-standard breakfast during the course of an unplanned “ride of shame” brought on by hanging out with a very good chef-friend until the wee hours, when I spotted the day-old-doughnut Datebook in the newspaper rack at the never-to-be-named restaurant of choice. It has been a number of weeks since I have peeled apart the pages of DSM’s # 1,2,or3 weekly events magazine, so I said “What the heck.”

I opened up directly to an article written by TF (who I don’t know or recognize, is this guy a regular contributor?) entitled “Two for $20″ which is meant to outline a good place to get lunch/dinner/a meal for two human adults for around the $20 price point. TF chose/had chosen for him the task of reviewing American/Bosnian cafe Kula Grill. Here is a link to the original article, in case you are into that sort of stuff.

TF opens up with the standard review fare, and the writing is solid (no Matt Miller-isms here), then we get to the food. Now, before we go forward let me axe you a question. If you were going to review food from a cuisine of which you had no knowledge whatsoever, in the Year Of Our Gourd 2011, the age of Interdork Information Searches, for an ACTUAL PRINTED PUBLICATION WITH A SERIOUS DISTRIBUTION, would you not at least do some research as to what the basics of said cuisine entail so as not to be the one bringing the pointed stick to the gun fight? Not TF. TF don’t need no posse of information, as shown by this excerpt from said infractuous artice:

Possessing no knowledge of, or experience with Bosnian food, we deferred to the waiter, who suggested the goulash if we craved genuine homestyle Bosnian. When in Sarajevo, right?

Un-f’ing-believable. This is just stupid. But it doesn’t even scratch the surface of what comes next, which is the description of Kula Grill’s goulash:

The first thing you notice about Kula’s goulash — mashed potatoes and hunks of beef smothered in a thick gravy — is it resembles prison-cafeteria slop.

What? Seriously? This is printed in our #1 newspaper? NOBODY along the chain of writer-to-printer read this and found anything wrong? Nobody said “um…why does TF know what prison cafeteria slop looks like, and why is he invoking its visual vehemence in the confines of a restaurant review?” Maybe the summary line softened the blow?

Sounds gross, looks worse, tastes great.

Clearly, TF should forego the attempts and restaurant reviews and slip directly into a comfortable marketing executive position.

The rest of the review is of equal tragedy to both the restaurant and to the credibility of TF’s writing career. If you haven’t read it, check it out for yourself.

As a restaurant professional, if I were to read a review of this caliber in a print publication of the food I was serving to the public, I would probably

A. Call my lawyer to ask for legal advice

B. Call the editor of the register and lodge a formal complaint, and request the reviewer be tossed from the nearest window accessible from his/her cubicle.

C. In the words of N.W.A., Start some shit.

I can not believe this review written by someone who possesses even less candor and skill than even the most amateur of amateur food blogists was allowed to be printed in an actual paper. I would expect those words from maybe a cast member of Jersey Shore.

Kitteh Want To Smush-smush! (I was going to post a picture of the JS cast with a funny line, but realized that nothing in the world makes JS funny or worth promoting. They are kind of like Prison Slop)

Trevor Fisher, you have just landed yourself an award from Locally Grown. I just can’t remember what we used to call it.

Ahhh...life without Locally Grown has been picturesque for many of you...

Welcome back, Awesome Tens! I trust that your one week vacation was relaxing, maybe even invigorating. But all good things, as they say, must come to an end, and this is the end of your good thing. I am back from my not-vacation and ready to pollute your eye-streams. Hank the Chimp has fired up the popcorn popper, Bathory has brewed the World’s Third Worst Pot Of Coffee, and the tiny keyboard of The Thing On Which I Write This Blog has been properly warmed up by a thick layer of hot towels. Vacation is over, it’s time to get back into the swang of thangs.

What Do Critics Know About Waiting Tables?

Yes, Tens! The Datebook Diner has doped done it again! Winni’s Wisdom regarding working in the restaurant industry overflows its thimble-sized vessel every so often, and this time her vast experience working as a county club server in the (judging by her polyester uniform) Late 1070’s has inspired her to belittle the servers of this century with a piece titled “Why Waiting Tables Today Is Better Than It Used To Be.” Servers Of This Century should take great offense at being told by someone who hasn’t seen the “other side of the counter” for a few decades that what they are doing today is a far easier profession than in days of old. But HOW is it easier? Let’s take a look…

5. Computers have made everything easier. Yes, modern day computer systems have made handling large amounts of menu information and ticket computations much easier, but in using a computer or POS System you have invited in a larger number of new problems such as printer failure, credit card systems going down (not like that), system failure, improper programming, mis-priced items, and the classic, “still life with server standing in front of the computer trying to figure out how to key in special order.” Now, when used properly and in working order a computer system is “better” than the old way, but I work in a place with handwritten and computed tickets and we have an incredibly low rate of mistakes. I think that computer systems aren’t worth the headaches in full service restaurants.

4. Automatic Tip (for large parties). I agree. One luxury afforded to the modern server that cannot be argued with is the “Auto-Grat.” I spent 8 year in front of the house positions, managing, bartending, and waiting, and would say that the large party automatic gratuity saved my ass from angry servers (and a few days of financial ruin). BUT I have also seen the AG policy allow lazy servers to give diners a less-than-tip-worthy experience. Auto-grat is a policy that will be debated until the day servers become obsolete.

3. Respect. People are just as demanding and demeaning as in years past, and more so in the upper echelons of diners. Maybe the general mystique of working in a restaurant has been elevated a few steps, but people are still assholes. The level of respect for CHEFS has definitely been transformed into a cushy cloud, but those who deliver the food are looked down upon almost equal to their peers from the past.

2. Tipping Percentage. So normal tipping percentage has gone up from 10% to 20%. Cost of Living has increased WELL beyond the 10% increase in tip percentage. Do servers make decent money? They make liveable wages most of the time, but they are still at the mercy of the Owners, the Customers, and the financial climate of the time. During the financial crisis of 2009 many of my friends who were waiting tables felt the crunch of a failing economy as much as, if not more than, the general “9-5″ public. When times are bad, people cut out expenses such as eating out in a full service environment, which eats away at the financial stability of restaurant owners and staff, most notably the tipped employees. But that is worthy of its own diatribe.

And Now To Bring You the #1 Reason Why Waiting Tables Is Easier Today Than It Was In The Past:

No More Ugly Uniforms.Evidently she hasn’t eaten at Noah’s Ark recently. Suggesting that the quality of workplace life due to lack of polyester content of the uniforms is a tad ridiculous. Not totally baseless, but a bit ridiculous.

Personally, I don’t think Winni looks bad at all in her old polyester, in fact she looks adorable.