Living and Learning with Teens

Living and Learning with Teens

Every stage of your child's life brings both joys and challenges. Living and
learning with a teenager is no different. There are days with challenges, life
has challenges. There are days filled with joy, life has joy. Living and learning
with teens will bring much joy to your family. If you can begin to understand what
the world looks and feels like from the perspective of the teen, you can reduce
the challenges.

Take a moment to think about what teens need. You may not know exactly, so first,
let go of any preconceived notions you have about teens. Some that I hear a lot
are:

Teens are rebellious

Teens need to push parents away to grow and mature

Teens don't like being with adults

Teens are lazy

Teens are irresponsible

If he/she doesn't get disciplined now, life is going to be very hard

Let's remember that a teenager's brain is growing as rapidly as it did in the
first two years of life. The brain is both growing and pruning. This accounts
somewhat for the extra need for sleep, the moods that switch with little warning,
the tone of the voice and the misinterpretation of parents looks, tones and feelings.
Teens need parents to help them balance the rapid changes and create an environment
that supports these changes.

Homeschooling your teen, is a perfect way to meet your teens changing needs.

Here is a simple way to help keep you on track:

Time

Exploration

Encouragement

Nurturing

T: Time — Teens need time with
family, friends and plenty of time to explore. As the parent you have
to be available to your teen with your time and energy. This truly means being
able to get teens where they need to be. Being the driver and helping coordinate
transportation lets your teen know that you are giving of your time and supporting
their needs. Especially younger teens (13-16) need to feel supported in this way.
No one is fully available all the time, but it is your job to help and support.

Time to listen and be fully present. It takes time to sit while
you hear the whole story about something, especially something that doesn't fully
interest you. But take the time, listen to the ins and outs of a friend situation,
getting to the next level on a game, a dream they had the other night, their desires
and goals. Use this time to LISTEN to give full attention, without
being on computer, watching a TV show or cleaning. (Although sometimes doing dishes
or outside work can provide an environment where communication flows.) The car can
also be a good place. Just a tip, be prepared, late at night is a time that many
teens will want to talk.

Time to have fun with your teen. Many teens become interested in
activities that you might not have interest in, or are new to your family.
SUSPEND judgement, and learn about the interest and activity. This
doesn't have to be something you fall in love with but you can have fun by watching
your teen having fun with it, or by participating on some level.

In my family this became auto racing, in all its forms, and I spent a fair amount of
time watching races, going to races, learning about racing, and for a summer watching
him race (not at all comfortable). His interest has waned, but I still peek at a race
every now and again. With my other child it was musical theater in all of its forms,
and that was much easier for me to fully "get it." The time I feel I invested
in fully being with my kids as they explored these interests have created some wonderful
experiences and memories.

E: Exploration — Name of the game
for living and learning with teens. Teens brains thrive on challenge and new experiences,
and actually need new and novel experiences for development. This is a time to explore new
experiences, new foods, cultures and ideas. I mentioned above about embracing your teen's
interests and the importance of time supporting these interests.

Embrace the idea of exploration and the "testing" of things out
through experimenting. Exploring and experimenting, takes many forms such as a new style of
dress, a new look, and new interests. Some of what hooks them can be a life-long passion,
or a short lived experience. All are valuable and widen the teen's view of the world and
understanding.

This is the time many explore different religions, food choices, lifestyles,
they may assertively reject what they have always known for a while. Many become very connected
to a cause that speaks to them or politically active. This is also a good time to travel both
with your teen and without. Much can be learned from traveling and stretching your comfort
zone, and we can be open to seeing the experiences through our teens eyes.

E: Encouragement — Encouragement from you,
knowing that you value and believe in them. Encouragement is experienced by teens more by what
you do, then what you say. Teens, despite some common myths, still do want to please their parents
and feel their approval. You are their cheering section, although you don't have to jump up and down.

You encourage by supporting them with time and your interest. You listen and
support when they have disappointments, are hurting, are confused. You connect to their competency.
You let them know that they will be okay when things aren't always working out. You show them by
being at performances, games, helping them when they are stuck on writing a paper, or having trouble
with another adult.

Parents must become adept acrobats in the balance of holding the space of
safety so your teen can try and fail and try and succeed. They must feel and know that you
are on their side.

N: Nurturing — Nurturing for both physical
and emotional well being. Everyone needs to be nurtured. Teens sometimes push away
physically but that doesn't mean that they don't want some physical contact. They are
changing so fast and can be feeling confusion about wanting to feel grown up and wanting
to sit in our laps or lay their heads on our shoulders. Take any opportunity you can to make
physical contact.

When they come to your room late at night and ask, "what are you
doing" just gently invite them in and soon they will be sitting on the bed talking.
For families who watch TV this can be a time to enjoy a show together and talk about
whatever comes up. Laughing together, playing games, watching a movie or show can all
feel nurturing and supportive.

Emotional nurturing has an extra piece to remember — keep as much
neutrality as possible. That means when your teen is talking with you, sharing ideas,
feelings, experiences, stay as non-judgmental as you can. This is the time to listen and
reflect. Keep some of your thoughts to Yourself. Be curious with teens to get more information.

There is plenty of time to share you thoughts, feelings and values. Begin
a dialogue where there is sharing without judgement. Making room for all opinions while
setting limits when necessary, teaches teens that they are valued. Help everyone get their
needs met when possible. There are going to times when you set a limit and your teen will
be angry or disappointed, but with connection and regular respectful communication a healthy
relationship can stay intact.

As we support our teens, we must remember to support ourselves. As parents
we need to have friends who allow us to share our joys and challenges without judgement. We
need activities that keep us connected to our passions and interests. We need time to nurture
ourselves and our adult relationships. More than anything our teens watch what we do, so treat
yourself well and model what you desire for your teen.

About the Author:

Michelle Barone M.A., M.F.T., is a licensed family therapist,
parent educator, credentialed teacher, and retired La Leche League leader. She
homeschooled/unschooled her two children and has been working with homeschooling families for 18
years. She lectures at homeschooling conferences and co-facilitates a homeschool information
night in the Los Angeles area. Michelle contributed to The Homeschool Book of Answers, edited
by Linda Dobson, and is the author, along with homeschool advocate Mary Shannon, of Exploring Your
Family's Educational Journey. Michelle is in private practice in Los Angeles, California.
She conducts parent education workshops, parenting groups, and private consultations.