Ladies and gentlemen: My second and third top scorers, Mr. Buster Posey and Mr. Angel Pagan.

Both did an admirable job at keeping the Fifty Lashes from last place, and for that I am truly thankful. Mr. MVPosey’s final points tally was 476.5, with 78 runs (including 24 homeruns), and Mr. Pagan’s was 447, with 92 runs.

There are many things that have mademylifedifficultthisfantasyseason, but the most persistent is something I call the Light Lash Conundrum. In short, I try to be a fair and balanced in my drafting practices, giving equal opportunity to players of every hair color, but men with light colored hair have lashes that are difficult to see in photos, regardless of how full and lush they may be.

To fully assess the lash quality of a player, I ideally need a reasonably high-resolution picture of the player in profile, gently lit from behind or above. Like so:

David Wright, 3B, New York Mets and Ryan Braun, OF, Milwaukee Brewers

There are two sets of baseball players that my method clearly disadvantages: 1. The not-often-photographed, and 2. The light lashed. Unfortunately for the brethren of the light lashes, it is much harder to highlight the glory of their lashes with a photograph. Where their dark-lashed brothers are able to display their lash prowess in less-than-ideal conditions, the light-lashed players look like they have bald lids. Hence the Light Lash Conundrum. For example:

Photo shows Herman A. “Germany” Schaefer (1876-1919), one of the most entertaining characters in baseball history, trying out the other side of the camera during the Washington Senators visit to play the New York Highlanders in April, 1911. Germany Schaefer, a versatile infielder and quick baserunner, played most of his career with the Detroit Tigers and the Washington Senators. The camera is a 5x7 Press Graflex with a modification to accommodate the large lens. The camera was produced by the Folmer & Schwing Division of Eastman Kodak Co. between 1907 and 1923.

Informal full-length portrait of baseball player Eckersall of Anson’s Colts baseball team, following through after throwing a baseball, standing in front of grandstands on a baseball field in Chicago, Illinois. An unidentified baseball player is standing in the background. Dark-colored spots are visible on this image.

Illustration shows three baseball players entwined by snakes formed of baseballs labeled “Base Ball Trust”; each carries a “Contract”, one for $8000, one for $10000, and one for $12000 and also stuffed in his belt papers labeled “Bonds, Stocks, [and] Deed Oran[ge] Farm”.

How is it possible that someone with as pretty, sparkly eyes as Mr. J.D. Martinez, could earn so few points? He has returned to the bottom two, earning only 3.5 points, and a golden sombrero.

And now for a personal message to Mr. Sergio Romo. Listen here, Mr. Romo: until you stop blowing saves, and start earning more than 1.5 points a week, you can stay under that towel. You heard me! No more nice, towel-free pics or gifs till you earn more points.

I have given up agonizing over Mr. Lincecum’s sporadic performances and started to see it as Andy Kaufman-esque performance art/comedy. This week he earned 46.9 points, but next week he might just stand on the mound and read The Great Gatsby.

This is what I get for doubting Chris Johnson and picking up Pedro Alverez out of free agency. Although his 2.5 points were appreciated, it would be lovely if he might deploy the power of his (considerably full) lashes to score further points.

Sergio Romo earned the Lashes -4.4 points this week. Which makes me terribly sad. If only I had a beard like his to cry into.

Even my lowest scorers did me proud-ish this week! Chris Johnson pulled 12 points out, while J.D. Martinez managed a not-as-good 7. As neither of them did particularly badly, let’s use this space for admiration of Mr. Martinez’s eyelashes.

Aaaand he’s back! Mr. Lincecum was my top scorer this week with 44.9 points. The absolute agony of his last starts make me super appreciative of his brief returns to form, and I am unashamed to say I did a wee happy dance during his outing against the Phillies.

His teammate and catcher, Mr. Posey had a most productive week, earning 43.5 points and my heartfelt thanks.

On a semi-related note, perhaps it is naive of me, but I honestly had never thought that rule 34 might apply to baseball players, too. It had also not occurred to me SF giants gay fanfic it might be popular enough to be the second search suggestion when I enter “tim lincecum buster posey”…

A new challenger approaches:

Next week, I’ll be up against Bad Luck Express. Let’s hope that bad luck holds out!

Wow. Mr. Lincecum was certainly not a happy camper this week, earning me -10.9 points. That’s right: he cost me over 10 points. And even now, after this unforgivable slight to my team, I can’t bring myself to bench him. (This may also be due to just losing two more pitchers to injuries.)

Mr. Johnson was also having another down week, earning a grand total of 2 points, but next to Mr. Lincecum, he looks pretty great right now!

While Tim Lincecum was having the worst week of his season, Neil Walker was having the best of his. In two starts he earned a total of 39.5 points, with 8 runs and 7 RBIs. Nicely done, Mr. Walker, nicely done!

Meanwhile, my very own Cuban Lamb, Alexei Ramirez, was also having a good week, earning a total of 26 points.

A new challenger approaches:

Next week, I’ll be up against Team Pedro, who is currently tied for first in the division.

I had entirely forgotten that I had picked up David DeJesus, and this was not the most pleasant way to be reminded. He earned me a total of 5 points, and the occasional flutter of his considerable lashes.

The ever-fickle Mr. Johnson earned a total of 7.5 points, and a stern look from me.

The Giants pitching staff did me a solid this week. Ryan Vogelsong earned a hefty 34.9 points, for the Fifty Lashes. On a not-really-related note, every time I do a Google image search for “Ryan Vogelsong”, I get a half-naked picture of Barry Zito in my results. I am perplexed.

Back from that tangent, it was an up week on the Lincecum Roller-coaster ™, with a couple of decent outings and 27.9 points.

A new challenger approaches:

My next opponent was also my first of the season; the Lebowski Urban Achievers. Will I lose any less embarrassingly? Will his prettiest-eyed player still be Yardier Moliner? All your questions answered and more in the next matchup summary post!

Both of this week’s bottom two, Sergio Romo and Neil Walker, have lovely lashes and earned me 6.3 and 6 points respectively. As they did not actively cost me any points, and both have a tendency towards adorable derp faces (see below), I am feeling magnanimous and will not list their failures.

The clean-cut Giants catcher, Buster Posey, did the most this week to lessen the blow of losing. Not only did his lashes feature heavy in the telecasts, he also earned 23.5 points, including 5 runs and 5 RBIs. Thank you, Mr. Posey.

My thanks go also to Mr. Martinez, for earning 16.5 points for the Fifty Lashes. I can only assume he is wearing a sombrero in celebration of his contribution to the team.

On a related note: I have a personal policy to use as many pictures of featured players in silly hats as possible. Do let me know if you come across any, won’t you?

A new challenger approaches:

Zero Splash Hits will be the next team to feel the force (or lack thereof) of the Fifty Lashes. Bring it!

Sergio Romo failed to get the save against the Mariners and also took the loss. With that performance, he earned -2 points for the team and a decidedly unpleasant glare from me.

Big Time Timmy Jim continued his less-than-stellar form earning 1 point for the Fifty Lashes, and a place my newly constructed dog house. The less said about that, the better.

Mr. Johnson continues to be a poor substitute for Mr. Longoira (who now has “no timetable for return”, ouch), both in terms of lashes, and run support. Mr. Johnson tied with Timmy this week, earning 1 point for the Lashes.

Max Scherzer “was magnificent against the Rockies”, striking out 12, and earning a total of 46.9 points from his two starts this matchup. If only is performance was as consistent as his eyes are pretty.

For the third week in a row, Mr. Buchholz is in in my top two, earning 26.9 points.

A new challenger approaches:

Next matchup, Too Good To Last, who just won their first game after 6 straight losses.

Mr. Scherzer’s electrifying eyes did not aid his pitching efforts this week, with a total of -3.9 points earned. As the always-apt ESPN summary notes: “…he has the ability to put up ace-level numbers but his hiccups will always keep owners guessing at his next start.” To be honest, I can’t even consider benching someone with such incredible Bowie eyes–it just wouldn’t be doing justice to the Fifty Lashes lineup.

Mr. Johnson is struggling. He earned 9 points this matchup, which is not terrible, but it’s still a poor substitute for Mr. Longoira (who should be back within the next 2 matchups), both in terms of lashes, and run support.

Ryan Vogelsong has now had 11 quality starts out of 12, and earned 42.5 points last week. I feel this calls for a press conference, Mr. Vogelsong, what do you have to say for yourself? (Okay, it’s from last year, but still provides a great opportunity to check out his lashes in action.)

Mr. Buchholz is on a roll, earning a spot in my top two for the second week in a row. Thank you, Mr. Buchholz, for the 37.9 points, much appreciated.

A new challenger approaches:

Next matchup, I’ll be playing But I Do Believe In This, who are being managed by one of my fantasy baseball mentors. Will the Fifty Lashes be able to beat their very own Obi-Wan? We’ll see…

This is the first matchup where even my lowest earners still contributed well to my cause, so I shall be lenient in my condemnation.

As ESPN astutely notes, Mr. Espinsoa has been all-or-nothing recently. This week it was (not entirely) nothing, earning 11 points for the Fifty Lashes. Also, as long as an image of him in a sombrero exists, I refuse to use any other on this tumblr.

Mr. Posey had my lowest score this week, with just 9.5 points. To be honest, I am really not concerned as those 9.5 points contain 4 runs batted in and 7 base hits. Better luck next matchup, blondie lashes.

Top scorers:

Shaun Marcum (L) and Clay Buchholz ®

Shaun Marcum had two solid starts this matchup, earning a total of 53.9 points for the Lashes. As they say (sing) in Australia, “Go! Go! You good thing, go!”

Mr. Buchholz’s performance earned a solid 23.9 points, but with an ERA of 6.58, he has a long way to go before he earns the coved spot as my favorite lashes.

A new challenger approaches:

Next matchup, I’ll be playing Rollo Tomasi. Also, in an attempt to preserve the lash purity of my team, attempting my first trade–wish me luck!

It was a down week on the Lincecum Rollercoster™, with Timmy costing me -0.4 points. Lucky his lashes are so captivating.

Mr. Marcum earned a total of -0.1 points with a less-than-brilliant performance against Cleveland. I am still unsure about the far more important issue of Mr. Marcum’s lash length. From some angles it looks like his lashes would fit well within the required length, but from others he appears to lack them completely. Has anyone met him in person who could confirm his eyelash status?

Top scorers:

Justin Morneau (L) and Danny Espinosa ®

Justin Morneau has started hitting in a manner that does justice to his lashes. Mr. Morneau was my top scorer this week, with a total of 31.5 points. As ESPN put it:

… he doesn’t appear to have totally “lost it”

Comforting.

Danny Espinosa, the Nationals second basman, was quite productive this week, earning a total of 20.5 points. Mr. Espinosa has been ranked 121st on a list of hitters for their expected performance from this point forward. I hope this bodes well!

A new challenger approaches:

This next week I am playing Howard’s Awful Contract. Let’s hope for some lashes luck!

Although Mr. Pagan’s lashes helped him earn his place in the team, his name also had a large influence. Seconded only perhaps by Cubs short stop Starlin Castro, Heavenly Heathen has one of the most confused names in baseball.

Besides his wonderful name, as of today Cherub Impiety has a batting average of .304 this season, making him one of my most productive batters. So, I would like to thank Godly Infidel for making the Fifty Lashes defeats far less embarrassing than they could be.

Seraph Profane is also a big fan of spearfishing. He discusses his hobby in this quick interview, providing excellent eyelash footage, especially at 40-46 seconds in. Check it out here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R6EB776IqtY

Unfortunately for the Fifty Lashes, Brandon League had a truly horrid outing this matchup. In one third of an inning, he earned 2 runs and blew the save. He earned a total of -7.7 points this week. Perhaps the issue is those glasses, which shield the full glory of his lashes?

Chris Johnson, third baseman for the Houston Astros, also let me down this week, earning a total of 1.5 points, after striking out 5 times. To be honest, I am unsure how much to expect from Mr. Johnson in terms of batting performance, as his data on ESPN is less than conclusive. However, his lashes remain full and lush, so his place on the team remains secure, at least for the moment.

Top scorers:

Max Sherzer (L) and Ryan Vogelsong ®

Ryan Vogelsong, one of my last bench picks, is my top scorer this week with 35.9 points. Up until this matchup, he had refused to perform well whenever I put him in the lineup. In fact, I accidentally forgot to bench him this week! However, after this performance, I think I’ll just quietly leave him in there and cross my fingers for a repeat…

Max Sherzer retains his position in my good books with a win and 18 strikeouts, earning a total of 31.9. Perhaps he has started using his startling Bowie eyes to intimidate his opponents?

A new challenger approaches:

This next week I am playing Dunn Making Excuses, a team with 3 wins and 3 losses thus far. Although I have experienced my first win in the league, I am keeping my expectations of the Fifty Lashes points-earning abilities low, and lash-fluttering skills high.

A potent combination of injuries, suspicion of injuries, and just plain bad playing left the Fifty Lashes with a pretty, if ineffectual lineup.

Top scorers:

Max Sherzer (L) and Shaun Marcum ®

For the first time this season, my top scorers remained the same for two weeks! Thank you, Max Sherzer and Shaun Marcum!

I am feeling slightly more validated to have drafted Max Sherzer this week! By earning a modest 16.9 and 25.3 points, Mr. Sherzer protects the Lashes from a much more embarrassing defeat, as well as his status as not-just-pretty-eyes.

Shaun Marcum helped keep the Lashes afloat, as my top scorer, with 24.9 points in each matchup. However, I have a slight problem with Mr. Marcum: I have been unable to find evidence as to whether his lashes are long or full enough to qualify for this team… Does anyone have definitive proof of his lash status?

A new challenger approaches:

This week I am playing the FDR All-Stars. The good news is, they are hardly managing their team, so I actually have a chance at winning! The bad news is that if the Lashes lose, I will have to seriously rethink my strategy…

As the list of Fifty Lashes players on the disabled list grows, I feel the need to shed a silent tear for each one of them, tumblr-style.

Michael Morse (First baseman for the Washington Nationals)

Mr. Morse’s six-week stint on the disabled list is almost up! So I am hopeful that his return to the Nationals next week will help to boost my points, and give him a much-needed opportunity to flutter his lashes on the diamond.

Cory Luebke (Starting pitcher for the San Diego Padres)

My lengthy-lashed-lefty, Mr. Luebke, is out with a strained left elbow. Out for 15 days.

Justin Morneau (Designated hitter for the Minnesota Twins)

Mr. Morneau and his light but long lashes are taking a break to heal his sore wrist. Out for 15 days.

Jayson Werth (Out fielder for the Washington Nationals)

While attempting to make a sliding catch, Mr. Werth broke his left wrist. For a particularly gorey description of the breakage, check this ESPN fantasy blog post. Out for 6 weeks.

Evan Longoria (Third baseman for the Tampa Bay Rays)

A torn hamstring is preventing Mr. Longoria from earning points for the Fifty Lashes. Out for 4-8 weeks.

Brett Gardner (Out fielder for the New York Yankees)

After straining his elbow, Mr. Gardner has been on the disabled list since April 18. Here’s hoping he’ll be back to add some speed to the Lashes roster as of next week.

Angel Pagan (Out fielder for the San Francisco Giants)

The man with one of the most confused names in baseball, Mr. Pagan, is having some hamstring difficulties and will sit out at least one game this week.

Ruben Tejada (Second baseman, short stop, for the New York Mets)

Recently picked up from free agency, Mr. Tejada is suffering from overly tight quadriceps. After having an MRI, he has been placed on the disabled list.

Ryan Vogelsong (Starting pitcher for the San Francisco Giants)

If all goes well, and those injections in to his back work, Mr. Vogelsong will not miss any games.

So there you have it, the sad tale of possibly the most injury-prone team in my league. Lucky their eyes are so pretty, or I’d be having serious doubts about my team’s talents.

To be fair to Mr. Romo, he only pitched 1.3 innings in this week’s matchup, so his total of 3.3 points is unsurprising. In those 1.3 innings, he struck 2 out and earned no runs, thus, he is still in the running to become the Fifty Lashes Next Top Relief Pitcher.

I am less sure what to think of Mr. Espinosa’s performance (4.5 points). His batting average is down to just .182 for the season, and it looks like the Nationals may remove him from the starting line up. I’ll be closely monitor his progress, or lack thereof, over the coming matchup.

All the fantasy owners of Mr. Lincecum breathed a collective sigh of relief this matchup. Not only did he earn the most points on my team (47.9), but he also looked a lot more confident doing so. I would also like to personally thank the camera person who shot the excellent close-up footage of Mr. Lincecum’s lashes during his start against the San Diego Pirates.

With 31 points, and lovely lashes, Mr. Posey is the Fifty Lashes next top scorer. His average is sitting at .325, so it seems he is completely recovered from his bout of the shingles and ready to earn some points!

A new challenger approaches:

This week I am playing the defending champion of the office leage, Ryan Braun’s Sample. Let’s be honest here, I do not stand a chance. However, I will do my darndest to ensure the lashes of my team are far, far prettier than his.

Sole project manager and scrum master in the organization, executing on cross-team roadmaps, process improvement across the company, and driving daily releases.

Nov
2012 -
Oct
2014

Project Manager / ModCloth

Execute on ecommerce software and apps teams’ roadmaps and contribute to innovation and process improvements across the organization. Day-to-day work includes:- Strategize projects across multiple teams and platforms, including front- and back-end web, iOS, and Android development- Remove blockers and put them on the fast-track to resolution- Manage multiple high-quality releases each week- Forecast launch dates for all products and communicate changes as they arise- Deftly track and maintain project management tools so they provide accurate information on project status, team velocity, and projected work- Provide visibility into teams’ current and future work, including the impact of changes and trade-offs- Scrummaster and agile coaching- Be a die-hard advocate for open communication within the project management team and across groups- Team up with Marketing and Creative teams to conquer cross-functional business goals

Work directly with authors, engineering teams, QA, and production staff to ensure the assigned projects are delivered on schedule and reflect our editorial standards.

Outsource and manage work from vendors and freelancers.

Review, copyedit, and proofread XML and other online content for quality, clarity, consistency, and adherence to our style guide.

Nov
2009 -
May
2010

Web Editor / National Library of New Zealand

- Edited, curated, and maintained content for the corporate National Library website and Intranet, keeping both sites up-to-date, relevant, and interesting. - Trained staff in the use of the intranet to encourage further participation and professional development.- Ensured all online content adhered to our in-house style guide and the international Web Accessibility Content Guidelines.- Worked with many authors and reviewers to ensure the best quality content and to balance user and business needs.- Advised on best-practice for web writing for the organization.

Jan
2008 -
Nov
2009

Publications and Team Coordinator / Creative New Zealand - Arts Council of New Zealand

In collaboration with staff, I created and administered the content for the intranet and websites using Dot Net Nuke and Drupal content management systems. I also coordinated and managed the publication of Creative New Zealand documents, reports and books.

I worked with other support staff within the organization to coordiante diaries, travel plans, speeches and workshops of teams and managers. Coordinated meetings and agendas, took notes and distributed. Made and reworked presentations to fit the needs of the person who would be giving them.

This hands-on and industry-run course gave me skills and experience in the publishing industry.

Among the skills I learned were: project management, editing (both substantive and copy editing), proofreading, website maintenance and writing HTML, grammar, marketing and publicity, understanding of effective typographical and graphic design, typesetting and working with designers and printers.

As a part of the course I project managed and typeset the first two editions of the 'New Zealand Play Series' by Playmarket.

Jan
2005 -
Mar
2007

Publicist and Front of House Manager / BATS Theatre

- Liaised with media agencies to promote upcoming shows and maintain the BATS brand.- Initiated marketing plans based on audience feedback.- Customer service via phone, email, and social media.- Managed the box office ticketing, phones, and emails.- Recruited and managed a troop of volunteers to help with maintenance, stuff envelopes, and run our candy bar.