Please Hire You To Be The Byronic Man?

As many of you may know, my wife and I will be having a baby soon. Very soon. Now, I’m planning to simply run older posts – especially older posts that basically no one who didn’t have the same last name as me saw – a couple days a week for the first little while, as I suspect I may be a tad busy. The best part of the plan is that you still have to read or it’s like you don’t support me as a parent and don’t like my baby!

But maybe… there’s another way… Maybe you think you’d like to take the reins here and blog-sit. Be a Byronic Pro-Tem. Could be. Could be. Well, if so, simply fill out the short application/psyche profile below, and we’ll see you at the interview!

1. You’re writing a post about needing a vacation. You decide to include the following photo – which caption would you use?

A) Hello. I am taking a vacation on a beach that appears to be on fire.

B) Man, it feels great to get away from the smelting plant!

C) Sure, it’s a flaming hell-scape. But you know what? No meetings.

D) Other…

2. Rate your willingness to insert obscure, virtually random Simpsons quotes into a post, knowing full well that – if it’s a good day – 2 people will get it.

A) Not very willing. I think it’s more respectful remember the interests of the audience.

B) The Simpsons? You mean, like, “Don’t have a cow” and that stuff?

C) “Lisa, if you don’t like your job, you don’t quit. You go in there every day and do it really half-assed!”

3. Can you be committed to reading other people’s blogs each day and leaving witty, insightful comments? If so, can you please do a better job than I do?

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About The Byronic Man

Recently voted "The Best Humor Blog in America That I, Personally, Write," The Byronic Man is sometimes fiction, sometimes autobiography. And sometimes cultural criticism. Oh, and occasionally reviews. Okay, it's all those different things, but always humorous. Except on the occasions that it's not. Ah, geez. Look, it's a lot of things, okay? You might like it, is the point.

83 Comments on “Please Hire You To Be The Byronic Man?”

Support you, support your wife having a baby and crushing your hands while pushing. Support your sleepless nights while you get up to change said new baby allowing your wife to rest after having baby (cause you will be good husband and father).

“I’m an old man, no one listens to me.”
“I’m a little girl, no one listens to me.”
“I’m a white male, age 18-49! Everyone listens to me, no matter how dumb my suggestions are!” *Pulls out can of “Nuts & Gum.”*

By all means, use the ‘baby’ line, though people might be confused when you accuse them of not liking the Byronic Man’s baby. “The whose what now?”

Might I suggest you hire a blogger who recently ‘mysteriously’ lost several hundred followers because perhaps she needs a distraction? As I’ve mentioned, I wouldn’t dare change a thing in your lay-out. I don’t even think they MAKE an ‘unsubscribe’ widget, so there you go. I would also be sure to include bear pictures in every post. Maybe just bear half faces. Can I at least include a link on where to buy the finest dresses / jeans? Maybe denim dresses?

Didn’t you have a high-five post, or was it just part of a post? You should re-run that one so I can remember. I know it was funny, and I believe I know where you stand on high-fives because of it.

I know, that had to be a hell of a way to start your day. “Oh. I seem to have lost 300 subscribers at once. I see. Well. I shall go sit under a blanket and eat a gallon of ice cream and wash it down with cheap vodka.”

And 11 is pretty cool, but he flaunts the whole “I’m a prime number” thing like it’s soooo special.

Dude. DUDE! I just saw they switched the follower count back (at least on my blog)! AGAIN. Are they trying to give us all nervous breakdowns? This is like a prank where they pulled our pants down and then laughed and ran away.

Uh…what the wha…? why would they do that to you?! I would have had a heart attack. Granted, I have half the followers some people have but I’m not jealous or bitter or hung up on stats at all mind you. Nu-uh. pbbbbbbbssssttttttt.

I intend only to tell really lengthy, inane stories about the baby. Stories that would barely be entertaining if you were related to the baby, but that I demand extensive appreciation for. Stories of her staring at the wall. Stories about pooping. A 2,000 word description of her sneezing. Etc.

I will support you and read your old stuff. I like your stuff so I don’t mind reading your old stuff. Your old stuff is better than most peoples new stuff. Anyone who has the stuff to replace you (temporarily) would be someone that I am currently reading their stuff because I like their stuff. Although double stuff can be good in a cookie I prefer to not have it in a blog.

I’ve done one post that was entirely about The Simpsons. It’s among my least read posts of all time, and also hardest to write because it was, like, 2,000 words before I hacked it down to a trim, easily readable 850. I’m too much a hit-count junkie to do another one. How sad is that?

happy baby – I will still be here to support you, but I am much too boring to guest blog on your site – would not change a thing though – although I would be happy to show half my face as long as it was the lower half

Let’s just go through the interview now…
1) Caption: Don’t worry about the fire, the hurricane should put it out and it’s supposed to be here any minute now.
2) I once wrote a Simpsons episode script which I showed to exactly no one. By definition, the script consisted of 100% obscure Simpsons quotes. How do you know I am not quoting it right now?
3) Can I do better job than you leaving witty and insightful comments on other people’s blogs? There is no right answer to that question… I mean, if I say “no”, I don’t deserve the job and won’t get it, if I say “yes”, I’ll offend you and won’t get the job. Think about it. So I’ll go with “yes” while you are thinking about it.
4) Show half of my face? I’m 50% sure I can do it.
5) Water the plans 3 times a week? Of course. 3 pictures of water are attached to my application.
6) Removing vs. keeping distasteful comments? Why would I want to remove my own comments?
7) High-Fiving policy… I will decide on case-by-case basis. For example, I will do my best to avoid high-fiving Edward Scissorhands or Freddy Kruger. Ew, rust.
8) Wait, you can make changes to blogs? Is that why they have Internet on computers now?
9) I have guest blogged on other blogs twice. Both bloggers were so happy with my posts that they’ve suggested I should guest-post it elsewhere from now on.
10) No inspiration? Oh, I don’t know, I could hold a contest or something.
10) Door-to-door promotion… I could, but I probably will be too busy watering plants and holding contests.
10) Coming up with the 12th question…Definitely no, you know I never venture out beyond 10.

Oh, you’re good. Even though I’ve watched pretty much every episode, and many of them more than once, I had to look up the quotes to find one to slip in.
I’d love to read your script, if you ever stop caring about the stats and post it. Mine was about Homer acquiring the ability to understand animals as a result of a head injury.

As to not watching the Simpsons since 1999 – that was actually the perfect time to stop. Most serious Simpson fans quite about there. (The more caustic refer to everything since season 10 or 11 as Zombie Simpsons – it’s dead, but it just won’t stop moving)

10)d. Ha ha! As if THAT would ever happen. Ha ha! Did I mention how funny that would be because I don’t care about stats and hits and that nobody is even reading the crap that I’m slaving over night and day so I have no other kind of LIFE?

I just can’t get a bead on the slaving-to-success ratio. I was just complaining to Jules the other day how I’ll throw something up like “I like ice cream. Also cheese.” and it’ll get a bunch of likes and people commenting and saying “best thing you ever wrote!”… then I’ll spend days on something, read it over and over giggling to myself and patting myself on the back and it gets two comments.

Holla! (That’s slang for “I certainly have found myself in similar situations frequently, and I can empathize with how that makes you feel).

BTW, it’s not that I’m hanging on your every word (although, of course, I am) that I’m jumping on your every comment the very second you hit the “enter” key (although, of course, I am). I’m on terminal hold at my office with Blue Cross, hence I’m chained to my desk and about to chew my own arm off to ESCAPE!!!!.

“It’s like you don’t support me as a parent and don’t like my baby!” I actually laughed out loud, that is so funny and most likely true.
I’m not filling out that application. It seems like it’s alot of work being you. Oops I know that sounds very 47% of me, but I’m being honest.
I promise to read, like & comment on all the things you post while you are busy taking care of your girls. Best to you all!

And you’d better get six pairs of sneakers now for when the kid learns to crawl. Three pairs for you, three pairs for Mrs. B-Man. You’ll wear them out…trust me. Small children have the ability to move at hyper-speed, especially when food is nearby.

congratulations to you and Mrs B *s* Whenever I need cheered up, this is my first stop. I read a lot more than I comment. sorry, I’ll try to improve. I do have one, sad, admission to make. I don’t have a favourite simpsons quote, because I don’t like the simpsons. Hopefully you’ll forgive me and let me keep reading your blog.
For picture A I would go for something along the lines of ‘If you’re going to survive a crash on the beach, do it in style.”

And here I thought I’d heard every scam going to get out of writing a blog post. Mainly because I’ve used most of them.

However, because I am me, I will give you the benefit of the doubt and send you sincere felicitations on the upcoming blessed event.

I’m sure you will be inundated with offers to keep The Byronic Man from doing a face plant, however…if you find yourself short at the last minute, I could probably bang out something this side of totally obscene and frivolous. Just say the word.

I am a loyal reader and therefore already adore your upcoming spawn *ahem* baby, as detailed in the terms & conditions/user agreement for accessing your blog. I do not have the talent to be a substitute though, so I offer a different option.

You could post *This content has since been removed due to pending litigation* in a new post every few days. Then we, your loyal readers, could comment randomly and leave future readers to wonder as to what original content was so inflammatory, it required legal redress.

Ex: “Wow, B-man, that’s an interesting opinion. I think the bears might disagree though, especially with their position on doping. Kudos for putting it out there!”

Feel free to ignore this comment; my brain cells have gone on strike until I meet their chocolate demands. Alas, I have no chocolate in the house. We are at an impasse.

Please, please, please tell ALL the relatives when the Byronic baby is born before posting the news. It was so embarrassing to know that the baby would be a girl before one particular non-computerized relative knew.

Write your own stuff man! I’ve got children, blogs and pets of my own to tend to. When I got the e-mail notification ‘Hire You To be Byronic Man’ I thought the ‘money mule’ e-mailer scammers, who pretend they have a real job for me, but only want bank accounts to launder money, had kidnapped you and were using you as a front! Anyway good luck with the baby thing and the good news is you get your life back when the child turns 30! After that it’s a downhill freewheel.

1. “Uh Junior be careful with the lighter fluid, I think there’s a small leak.
2.”Confound it Smithers. I like the cut of his jib”
3.Yes I am pandering erm commenting everyday, and they are observations of the wittiest kind.
4. Depends on which half…I’m pretty proud of my chin and nose.
5. I dump the remnants of the previous day’s coffee into my plant’s pots. Not only have they thrived…they are wide awake.
6. I have only had one comment even borderng on negative. But..after weeping uncontrolably and calling my best friend to reassure me that I am still special and brilliant. I change the name of the commenter to someone famous and universally despised. Karl Rove, Wacky Joe Stalin, Dick Cheney. Then I hunt down the Negative Nancy and leave flaming bags of dog grumpies on their front porch at 3am.
7. High Fives are OK. They get a little awkward with amuptees however.
8. I’d make people pay me tributes of cash, grain, livestock, virgin daughters or first born male children. I’d also demand to be addressed as “All High and Mighty Daddy Pants Grand PooBah
9. Limited experience, but I’d like to think I have dashed the hopes of a few aspiring writers, and made a few cry.
10. E. I search high and low for an excellent blog in an obscure language, use google translator and pass it off as mine.
11. Not only would I go door to door, I would use blackmail, extortion, and skywriting.
12. Of course. The question everyone has been dying to know the answer to.

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[…] Please Hire You To Be The Byronic Man? – Our old friend the Byronic Man is going on baby leave and wants a guest blogger to take over for a spell. Plus, this is one of his application questions: 2. Rate your willingness to insert obscure, virtually random Simpsons quotes into a post, knowing full well that – if it’s a good day – 2 people will get it. […]