U.S. HAD THE BEST NAVAL FARCE IN FIGHT FOR CUP

Bob Verdi, Chicago TribuneCHICAGO TRIBUNE

Victory at sea has been achieved again by these mighty United States, though not without great repercussions for a hobby so dear to us all. When we next unleash our $10 million sailboat for a weekend whirl, how does one forget recent events off Point Loma?

In the summer of 1851, when the America`s Cup was conceived, the idea put forth stipulated nourishment of ''friendly international competition.'' But what we have just witnessed constitutes the worst thing inflicted upon an innocent body of water since the unfortunate invention of synchronized swimming.

On Wednesday, in Round 1 of the best-of-three court-ordered regatta, Dennis Conner guides the home catamaran, Stars and Stripes, to a conquest over New Zealand`s 132-foot sloop by a gaudy margin of 18 minutes 15 seconds. The vanquished Kiwis complain about not being thoroughly whipped, alleging that Conner sandbagged to render the match race less of a mismatch than it really was. He braked for show, they allege.

Then on Friday, another shiny afternoon, Conner deftly skippers his shotgun blue craft around a 39-mile equilateral triangle course, so as to finish 21 minutes 8 seconds in front of New Zealand. The America`s Cup is retained, 19 months after it was regained in Fremantle, Australia, but banker Michael Fay, the man who made this farce possible, says he`ll launch further litigation to have this decision overturned.

He should go back home to New Zealand, should this millionaire named Sue, but Fay can`t win on water, so he tries to win on land. He should point his luxury liner toward his country down under, should Fay, and if his overpriced monohull maintains the same pace it did in San Diego, the natives will have long since forgotten defeat when he arrives. The only upset here was that New Zealand beat the press boat back to shore.

New Zealand`s sole hope for triumph was if Stars and Stripes had somehow aborted, capsized, broken in half or treaded backwards. But the twin routs were so convincing that the American crew could have jumped ship and dog-paddled to victory. It was that bogus a contest, more lopsided and less compelling than Secretariat vs. Mr. Ed, as utterly predictable as the Harlem Globetrotters vs. the Washington Generals. Even the fish slept through it. At least they didn`t stage it off the Jersey shore, midst a flotilla of hypodermic needles.

Not that Michael Fay didn`t get stung with this comeuppance. He started all this. He`s the one who took this highfalutin sport and took it one uppity step beyond. After Conner seized the mug fair and square in February of 1987, Fay went snooping for a loophole in the Deed of Gift, the musty old constitution of the America`s Cup. He found what he wanted and issued a challenge to the United States, and he enlisted the assistance of the New York Supreme Court.

Judge Carmen Beauchamp Ciparick, an expert on family matters, has other priorities, such as divorce settlements and child custody. She has no time to dabble in the nautical whims of the rich and famous, but she lands the Fay complaint by chance, by lottery. She rules that, though the America`s Cup usually occurs every four years, there is nothing in the ancient document stating you can`t have a race whenever. Fay delighted in the revelation, until Judge Ciparick read on. She said also that participating tycoons could sail whatever.

When Conner announced that he would combat New Zealand`s state-of-the-art cruiser with a catamaran, Fay knew he`d been outconnived, outmanipulated. A catamaran is a recreational toy, a skidoo, a multihulled contraption that doesn`t require the perfect wind or wave. Fay had a sinking feeling, not unlike Shelley Winters in ''The Poseidon Adventure.'' Sportsman that he is, Fay promised that he would go to court again, if beaten soundly after going to war against an obviously superior opponent. Short on brains, talent, speed?

Sue. Just had your spinakker handed to you? Call a lawyer.

''I won`t be returning to New Zealand until our protest is heard in New York court,'' Fay said. ''And I hope to be home by Christmas.''

If you were the Cubs listening to Fay`s line of logic, you`d be tempted to enter Judge Ciparick`s chambers and have all National League champions since 1946 stripped of their pennants, the contention being that they were playing a different game. Not that Conner is a saint. When he popped champagne bottles Friday aboard Stars and Stripes, it was like Red Auerbach lighting up a cigar after his Boston Celtics beat the L.A. Clippers. This America`s Cup was the U.S. invasion of Grenada all over again, and Conner bypassed the sarcasm just long enough to admit that this hadn`t been the most pleasant or exciting week of his life.

Shame to all these silver spooners. After Americans bothered to watch ESPN from Fremantle two winters ago, the America`s Cup had a chance to join the flow. But with this episode in shenanigans and skulduggery, we are left with the Asterisk Cup-a challenge from New Zealand played out in San Diego but destined to be decided in New York. Morton Downey Jr. should referee for these waterlogged egos. Either that, or insert this regatta in the Olympics, so we are guaranteed no more than one intrusion by the boat people every four years. Come back, sync swimmers. All is forgiven.