A Powerful and Painful Glimpse Into the Heart of a Gay Mormon

The following post was written by Dallin Steele on his website, and has been posted here in full with his permission. The title of his blog post was “On a Scale of 1-10, How Much Does Being Gay Hurt?” It is being shared so that we might follow the counsel of President M. Russell Ballard, who stated:

“We need to listen to and understand what our LGBT brothers and sisters are feeling and experiencing. Certainly, we must do better than we have done in the past so that all members feel they have a spiritual home where their brothers and sisters love them and where they have a place to worship and serve the Lord.”

On a Scale of 1-10, How Much Does Being Gay Hurt?

Recently, a friend of mine reached out and asked if we could talk. This friend is also gay and Mormon but is not out like I am. They told me they needed to talk to someone and were sick of trying. I didn’t need any explanation to understand what they meant. We went on a drive and talked for about an hour.

During our conversation we talked about a variety of things. Most of the conversation was about the gay and Mormon experience and how it’s so hard. It is especially hard because we are trying to live the way we know we should, yet there are so many unkind comments from people, including those in the church, that are words not welcomed by the Savior. We both acknowledged that they just didn’t understand and we wished they could understand the pain of what we have to go through day after day.

This year in Sunday School we have been reading and discussing the Old Testament. One Sunday, we were discussing the story of Abraham and Isaac. For those who aren’t familiar with it, Abraham and his wife Sarah were very old and didn’t have any children. They were told by men of God that they would have a son.

Abraham and Sarah didn’t quite believe it because of their age, but Isaac came and they loved him so. Abraham was a prophet and while communicating with God one day, he was told he needed to sacrifice his son like a lamb. They had waited so long and had prayed endless hours for a child, but now they weren’t just told that he would be taken away to serve the Lord on earth, he wasn’t being sent to start his own family – they were told he would have to die, and not just die, but the death would come from the hands of his own father. It sounds really hard and even traumatizing right? Spoilers: Isaac doesn’t die.

If you want to read the rest of the story and see what happens, click here.

When I was listening to the teacher as we shared this story, a phrase came to my mind. “What is your Isaac?” One of these days I really want that as something to hang in my home. What is your Isaac? What is so precious to you but you are willing to give it up to follow an all-knowing God who has the greatest wishes and a perfect plan for you?

Religious aspects aside, the thing I desire most is to have a husband and children. It’s weird for me to actually type it out, but it’s the truth! Late last year I got sucked into YouTube one night and was watching animal movies (I was that nerd kid who adored the TV show “Nature”).

While I had been watching a video of an African safari and tourist were watching Cheetahs, I saw a clip that said, “I Let My Husband and Son Shave My Head.” I hesitated, then clicked, and watched it. The men, Matt Dallas (who is the main character of the TV show Kyle XY) and his husband Blue Hamilton, have a whole YouTube channel. They include their son, Crow, in almost every single video they have made since they adopted him. I watched video after video of this small family. Crow looks so happy. They look so happy. They are happy. That night was an incredibly difficult night for me. They were living my earthly dream. It was a night that I stayed up very late and many tears were shed until I fell asleep.

I wish people could feel my sorrow. I wish they could have a glimpse at the confusion I feel and desires that I have to stem EVERY SINGLE DAY so that I am focused on my Savior. I wish they could see how their words, sometimes even well-intended, can cause pain and frustration.

After having publicly come out, a friend approached me and said, “Dallin, I have this great idea for you.” I was not exactly excited for this idea, but I smiled and asked what it was. This friend then proceeded to tell me that I should be straight just for ONE day so I could marry a *girl who is a mutual friend*. In that moment, I felt years of painful memories heavily dropped onto my shoulders and heart. How could they not realize that I couldn’t choose to be gay or straight? How could they not understand what I’ve had to go through to see how horrible that was to say to me?

PC: Dallin Steele

Most people don’t realize how in my early teen years I realized what the attractions meant and I prayed to God saying, “Please don’t make me gay. Please, please, please, just make me attracted to girls. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.” I again repeated those prayers in my mid-teen years when I heard another young man exclaim, “It’s so great to be straight! I’d hate being gay.” I went home and just lay on my bed in utter silence while my mind endlessly repeated his words louder and louder.

There were many nights I lay awake trying to figure out what I could do. During Junior High and High School, my best friend would pull out our yearbooks and ask which girl I liked. I panicked every time and tried to end the conversation quickly. I asked out wonderful women to dances throughout high school and they kindly obliged to go with me. In every date I have been on, all I could feel was, “I’m lying to this girl and I know that if we continue, I’m going to break her heart.” All potential relationships never progressed because of that screaming voice in my head saying, “When she finds out, you’re going to lose her because she won’t want a gay man as a husband.”

Years back, a friend and I decided to drive to St. George for a mutual friend’s wedding reception. On our way, gay people came up as a subject and he expressed some frustration at them. He said to me, “Why can’t the gays go be gay somewhere else?” My heart felt it had been stabbed. I didn’t know where I could go to “be gay” if that didn’t involve living in the church and loving God wherever I was. I had hoped this friend would have been more understanding, but at the time, he wasn’t.

Every single day, I see and hear small reminders of something I probably won’t get in this life. I am not closing off my future of what could happen, but as of right now, marriage is a subject that I have discussed with Heavenly Father many times and as of now, isn’t in my near future. When I see a couple (gay or not) together, I have an inner sigh of sadness whether consciously or not.

What am I not getting?

I don’t get to grow old holding hands with the love of my life.

I don’t get to sit next to my husband and fight about what TV show we’re going to watch on Netflix or start a pillow fight because he kept watching and didn’t wait for me.

I don’t get to make him dinner and surprise him with a special night at home. I don’t get to plan a secret trip for us to go to California to the beach and Disneyland.

I don’t get to hold him while he cries because his day was hard or someone said something hurtful.

I don’t get to have fun bickering in the grocery store about how he is actually the better half.

I don’t get to say an absolutely amazing pun and laugh as he rolls his eyes for the 10th time that day.

I don’t get to look back after 30+ years of marriage and sit in awe about how we got through the hard times together and realize the fights over who had to clean the bathroom were pointless.

I don’t get to hear our children call him daddy and run to him with big hugs as he walks in from work.

I don’t get to see him lovingly put a Band-Aid on their knee because they fell on the concrete and give them a kiss all better.

I don’t get to see him reading bedtime stories and teaching our children to use their imagination.

I don’t get to see him teach teenagers how to drive cars while freaking out he’s about to die.

There will be no first dates of kids making sure they’re home on time and going out with others who will respect them.

There will be no teaching as parents that they need to be kind and loving to all people when we find out our children been cruel to others.

I won’t get to finally let the youngest child leave for college and be crying my eyes out while he holds me telling me I did a wonderful job raising them.

I don’t get that one person to tell all my insecurities to and still have them love me anyways.

There will be no slow dancing to music with him that makes me cry, sing, or laugh.

I don’t get to rest my head on his shoulders and sigh knowing everything will be okay because I have him and he has me.

On a scale of 1-10, how much do you think it hurts? Some days, it’s at the full 10 if it doesn’t feel like an 11. It’s heartbreaking, isn’t it? This is what I wish people understood of my story. This isn’t easy. There are so many people who want this and all we can hear from so many is, “You don’t deserve it because my beliefs are different.”

Some people do get to have what I want, but my pathway isn’t going that way. I am choosing something I love with all my heart over something that is almost as significant and important to me. I am denying a part of me that is NOT a choice (If you question that, you can read the Church’s stance here) and people still try to criticize and change. I have cried many nights because I have no idea why I have to go through this, but others act like I chose it, so therefore I must be berated.

Why does this have to be my Isaac?

The answer: I don’t know.

What do I know?

I know there is not only a God, but there is a Heavenly Father who knows all and loves all. I know personally that He loves me, watches over me, and that I am His son. I have heard his words and I have felt the truth. I know I love him more than myself and anything else in the world. I know there is life after death. I know the Book of Mormon is true and was translated by Joseph Smith Jr.

All I want from this post is that you will have some kind of understanding of one person’s (my) pain. I cannot speak for others and what they are going through, have gone through, or even what they WILL go through. If you can understand my pain to the tiniest amount, maybe then you might understand why certain things must be left unsaid.

Certain feelings, prejudices, and presumptions will be dropped. When I have taken time to learn from others and see their pain in the best way that I can even come close to understanding, I have felt a greater capacity of love than I felt before. Those experiences have taught me how to be more charitable and Christ-like. The prophet Moroni talks about charity.

In Moroni 7, we read,

44 If so, his faith and hope is vain, for none is acceptablebefore God, save the meek and lowly in heart; and if a man be meek and lowly in heart, and confesses by the power of the Holy Ghost that Jesus is the Christ, he must needs have charity; for if he have not charity he is nothing; wherefore he must needs have charity.

45 And charity suffereth long, and is kind, and envieth not, and is not puffed up, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil, and rejoiceth not in iniquity but rejoiceth in the truth, beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.

46 Wherefore, my beloved brethren, if ye have not charity, ye are nothing, for charity never faileth. Wherefore, cleave unto charity, which is the greatest of all, for all things must fail.

What will you do to try to be more understanding? Will it take reading of a post of a vulnerable and imperfect man who is gay and chooses to be Mormon? What will it take for love and understanding to be in your heart? What will finally halt your unkind and cruel thoughts being typed out on the internet or words spoken filled with spite solely to prove your point?

All I want from this post is that you will have some kind of understanding of my pain.

Can the love of God not do greater good than man’s hate-filled heart which is full of misunderstanding? Don’t you want more joy and love to be abound upon the Earth?

I know I do. I know that together we can make that happen. All we have to do is truly listen and truly learn. Then we will feel of His love at a greater level and become a greater and more empowered people in Zion to do His will.

Not to diminish what Brother Steele said nor his feelings, but his pain is no different from those many straight people experience. It was not my choice to watch friends and family get married, have children, and go into retirement together after many years of marriage while being denied those same things myself. He is not alone in all those heartaches. They are felt by thousands of people every day, regardless of sexual preference. I do hope he understands that.

Barbara- I appreciate your comment so much! I have had multiple conversations with men and women who are single and are unable to find their spouse. Your pain is so real and valid. The situations are very similar, but not 100% the same. For heterosexual people who are unable to find a spouse, they have the promise they will be able to get married later on and it will be a person of the opposite gender. I do not get that promise which can make things even more difficult for me. It is sad that all of us unable to find a spouse have to go through the pain and despair that we do. It is incredibly difficult to be alone and that is not only for some sexual preferences, but all.

While our situations are not exactly the same, I hope you are given strength as I have been given and know you are important and loved. Thank you again for your comment!

Thank you for sharing and for your beautiful faith. I try to be a good Christian and love all my brothers and sisters but definitely struggle with this subject. Your message had been heard by one at least and has given me a thought provoking perspective into anothers earthly burdens. Thank you.

Ai-thank you for your comment. We all struggle with understanding something we personally don’t go through but is is incredibly admirable for us to at least try so I appreciate that. I am glad it has been able to open up your eyes more. Thank you so much!

David- I couldn’t agree more! We all have to give up something and the best part is that God is always there no matter what! Even if there is no sin, but only temptation for certain things, He is always ready to guide us and help. It’s one of my favorite things about my Heavenly Father. He doesn’t leave us.

Dallin, my daughter is going through the same thing. You two are two peas in the same pod. And I’m sure there are thousands more. I just don’t know why this is your challenge in mortality, or my wonderful daughter’s, or why any other of His great and noble children, be they gay, single and oh so lonely, transgender, or have other great physical and mental challenges, have to suffer and make such painful decisions in their lives.

But I firmly believe that many of His choicest children, sacrifice like unto Abraham. As I remind my daughter over and over again: Baby, I wouldn’t be surprised if, in your pre-mortal life, you were set apart by Jesus Christ himself, to live your life so that other’s may be!

God’s extra special blessings to you on this very painful journey, Dallin. And please know that when you put your words to blog, inspiring more people than you know, (like my daughter) hopefully the sacrifice that you’re making will become a little more bearable.

I looked at that list of things he says he can’t do and I’m thinking, well, some of those things you can do righteously anyway! It is too bad that at the time he wrote that, he did not recognize this.

For example, you can comfort a friend who is crying because they had a bad day, regardless of sexual attractions or gender!

Oh, and you can have a good friend to spill all/most of your insecurities to without it being inappropriate! That is one of the biggest blessings I’ve gotten by finding a group of Latter-day Saints in the furry fandom.

Bradley- There are many things that one can do for friends that they can do for their significant other, but that does not mean they are the same kind of experience or relationship. Having the love of your life present isn’t the exact same and it can’t be replaced 100% with service to friends. It isn’t that I didn’t recognize it, but that I wanted to point out that I’m missing out on a significant other and getting the stronger connection with them.

I’m glad you’ve also learned on ways you can have stronger relationships with friends and you have found others who can relate to you and strive to encourage you to be the best you can be.

Thank you for being open in your thoughts, pain, and faith. Though I am single and “old’ and have some of these same thoughts and feelings about not having an opportunity to marry yet. i realize that my situation though in some ways similar and in some ways I can feel empathy for what you are going through. I also realize that I have the option that if someone amazing came into my life I could get married and have kids and keep my standing in the church and I realize in that sense my feelings and thoughts and what I go through is a mile across from you. But I feel I better understand what you and others are going through. Thank you again for sharing. Keep the faith!

Mockingbird- thank you so much for your comment. My heart goes out to you as you go through your own trials. I appreciate your recognition not only the similarity of our trials but how different they are as well. Thank you for having an open heart. I can’t express my appreciation enough. Thank you for sharing!

Your pain? YOUR PAIN? I am sorry, but I cannot hold back. You don’t know pain until after 35 years of marriage, your spouse comes home one day and states that he is gay. You don’t know pain until you over hear a gay friend of your spouse’s ask him why he ever got married, and your spouse says, ‘to prove I wasn’t that way.” You don’t know pain until it hits you like a brick that your whole married life was a lie, a sham, a total farce. You don’t know pain until your spouse makes sure every one in your family is either deceased or has been alienated from you because of the actions of your spouse, and then, and only then, he tells you. After he’s made sure you have no one to turn to. You don’t know pain until you realized that our spouse has lied to you all these years, not just about his sexuality and feelings, and yearnings, but so many other things too, and that you have to find a way to tell your children. You don’t know pain until you have a spouse trying to get you to accept that he wants and “needs” to hang out with other gays, and that you should be okay with it ..after the ultimate betrayal. You don’t know pain until you are forced to stay in a loveless sham of a so called marriage, because he won’t consent to a divorce.. You don’t know pain until you learn that your spouse is lying to others about what has really gone on , and what you yourself supposedly did or didn’t do that is so bad. You don’t know pain until your spouse sends out mass emails to others- friends of both of yours for years where he is doing nothing but bad mouthing you! You don”t know pain until you feel shriveled up, unloved, un-needed because all your spouse caan do is find fault with everything you do, say or think. You don’t know pain until your spouse has degraded and denigrated you to the point that you start having suicidal thoughts. You don’t know pain until that spouse has never once given you credit for all the good you have done, for many many years for him, your children, others and your home. I am sorry- but cry me a river. It is nothing like the ultimate betrayal I have suffered, and suffer every single day because of his lies, cruelty, deception and denigration.

I’m really sorry to hear of your experience. However, just because you are suffering pain doesn’t mean another human being isn’t. I really am sorry for what you are having to go through. May God give you the strength to know how to proceed.

Anonymous- I’m sorry to hear your story and I can’t imagine your kind of pain that you have gone through, are going through, and will go through. I cannot speak for his actions but if someone does act like that, I do not agree with it. While I personally can’t imagine the tearing of your heart, there is no need to mock my pain. My pain is just as real as yours. Just because you have pain does NOT mean that I do not have any. Please be respectful to me and others who are going through the same problems. You would want someone to be kind and empathetic to you about yours, so please do the same to others.

Again I am truly sorry for your pain and I hope that your heart is filled with peace, comfort, and love.

Dallin, thank you for sharing your experience so that those who don’t relate can find connection and compassion by the spirit through your words.

A message to anonymous written on September 19th…

My heart goes out to you. The pain you feel is more than just pain. It is trauma. Most likely post traumatic stress disorder. It is shame. All things we feel when we are betrayed and hurt in a way that is beyond our ability to withstand.

Your rage is not at Dallin. Really it is a reaction to the deep wound that has cut you and has left you bleeding and vulnerable.

A quote that helped me find the courage to begin healing from my own trauma is…

If you do not heal the wounds of your past, you will continue to bleed into your future.” Iyanla Vanzant

I will add my own words to this quote… If you do not heal the wounds of your past, you will continue to bleed into your future… and you will cut others and make them bleed with you.

When we feel pain we often inflict pain. I hope you can find help on your journey toward healing.

Thank you for this beautiful post! I am able to relate strongly to such a post! It never has been easy to have this side of me. To have someone actually express these helps me to not feel alone. It is honestly easy to feel alone in these struggles. I have my faith a belive that keeps me strong in the faith, however, sometimes I feel like I am either ignoring or betraying my other half. I feel like a modern day pioneer that is carving my own path through the wilderness not knowing where the end is, But my testimony has kept me moving forward, and I have a bound determination that I will meet the point we’re i will find my place in this plan of our Hevenly father. Thank you again for this post and letting me know there is another pioneer walking beside me!

Alex D- Thank you for commenting. I am so glad this helped you feel less alone. It isn’t an easy path, but it’s been one that has helped me so much. Please reach out if you need. The path can be easier with friends. Keep going and fight the good fight. 🙂

Dallin, The age-old question, why does mankind suffer, has a secondary question attached to it, one that may be even more difficult to answer. It is … why do individuals suffer in the particular ways that they do? Why are some apparently gifted in so many ways and others are not? Why do the very most innocent suffer? And, finally … “why was I, Dallin, born in such a way that if I fully embrace the teachings of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints will I be denied my heart’s desire, a family?” My trials and blessings have been different from yours, so I will not even pretend to know what you have gone through or are going through. But I do understand what it feels like to be the grandmother of a young man who, through no fault of his own, will never have the blessings many seek in this life, due to a severe brain injury. There have been times when the pain of seeing him and his family suffer has been excruciating. Your pain must be excruciating at times as well. There is our common ground. I hope that in the future you will find a way to be at peace with the reality of pain and suffering and to know that you are not being divinely set apart to suffer, nor are you being punished for making poor choices. You are a beloved son of our Heavenly Father, and no amount of disparagement from yourself or others can ever change that. Those who judge you are failing to follow the Savior’s admonition to love unconditionally. I hope that you will find the peace and comfort in this life that only God can provide. I hope that you will study the scriptures and read from the best books about the lives of others. I hope you will be inspired and uplifted and begin to see the greater picture of what this life is meant to be. I hope you will find the answers to what your life is meant to look like. Surround yourself with people who really understand your pain and who love you unconditionally, just as the Savior does.

Kathy-Thank you so much! I can tell your words are full of love and kindness. I’m sorry for the pain that is felt because of that brain injury your grandson sustained. I’m sure he is a wonderful man and he also brings light and happiness into your lives as well. I don’t feel that I am being punished for sins or even for someone else’s sins. With my homosexuality I find peace and joy as well as pain. It’s normal for anything that is hard in our lives.