Orgasm: Did She?

Guys,
do you believe your female partner experienced orgasm during your most recent
sexual experience together? Apparently, 1 out of 5 of you have answered
that question incorrectly.

"While 85
percent of men perceived that their partner
had had an orgasm the last time they had sex, only 64 percent of
women said they actually had climaxed. While men
were more likely to orgasm with vaginal intercourse, women generally
needed a wider variety of activities.

"We can't help but notice the gender gap
between male and female orgasms, men being a little bit clueless about
their partner having an orgasm or maybe they're getting bad information," said
Pepper Schwartz, a professor of sociology at the University of Washington
in Seattle and a member of the Trojan Sexual Health Advisory Council." Source — Cited
Medical Reference

The following quote would appear to confirm
this rate of orgasm for women during partnered sex, for residence of
Australia.

"Richters et a1.(2006) confirmed that
women have orgasm only 69% of their encounters with men, and these most
often are the result of manual or oral stimulation." (Quote source has been deleted from internet)

The cited study found 95% of men experienced
orgasm during their most recent experience of partnered sex. For women
aged 16-19, 52% experienced orgasm. For men aged 16-19, 84% experienced
orgasm. Cited
Medical Reference

One of the most inappropriate
questions to ask a woman after you have made love to her is reported
to be, "Did you have an orgasm?" A woman's likely response
to this question will be, "Well of course I did!" or "If
you really cared about me you would know!" That is if she is still
on speaking terms with you and you are not sleeping on the couch. Her
reaction to this question may be very negative regardless of whether
she experienced orgasm, real or faked. This is because of the social
expectations placed upon her. Society leads us to believe she would naturally
have had an orgasm, because it is required of her, if she is to be considered
a normal and modern woman.

Social Pressure

While female orgasm was
overlooked in the past, discarded, now it is assumed all women have them.
In fact, now they may be required to have more than one, and to have
them quickly. They are also expected to be orgasmic regardless of the
type of stimulation their partner provides, or their partner's sexual
skill and knowledge. All the women on television and in the movies do,
especially adult movies that show people having "real sex." The
front covers of women's magazines at the store checkout counter inform
us how every woman can have "mind-blowing orgasms," if they
follow the "simple" suggestions inside. Romance novels, as
well as movies, are full of women who are orgasmic at the mere touch
of a man or woman. A woman may believe all her friends have orgasms during
partnered sex, as they have never told her otherwise, and she is not
usually permitted to ask. Women are never taught how to have an orgasm
so they must occur instinctively and automatically. They should simply
lie there and have an orgasm, right? If they do not have an orgasm, they
are not fulfilling their obligation to their partner and society.

Perception of Orgasm

Despite our expectations,
it is not always easy to tell if a woman has had an orgasm. Few women
present all the classic signs of sexual
arousal and orgasm, as presented in textbooks and on this website. Even
if they do, it is hard to be aware of them during sexual passion. These
indications of orgasm are based on watching multiple women experience
orgasm in a laboratory environment, not the bedroom with the lights off
and the bedcovers pulled up. The "data" collected was used
to compile a list of common physical responses. These common responses
have become
"expectations" versus possibilities. This is where mechanics
can interfere with pleasure; when one tries to meet a definition they
were never intended to. You cannot check off boxes on an orgasm scorecard
to determine if you or your partner has experienced orgasm. The only
way to know if a woman has experienced orgasm is by her telling you that
she has, because it really comes down to whether she has "perceived" that
she has, not whether it looks or feels like she did.

There is no foolproof
way of knowing if a woman has had an orgasm, even for the woman herself.
The physical qualities of a woman's orgasms, and as a result her perception
of them, is likely to change from orgasm to orgasm. There are times when
she may not know whether she has actually had an orgasm, versus intense
pleasure, which can at times be more enjoyable than an orgasm. If a woman
has an orgasm that does not automatically mean she experienced pleasure,
or at least intense pleasure. An orgasm can be boring! A woman's orgasm
may produce so little physical sensation she may wonder if it was actually
an orgasm. Betty Dodson says
she has witnessed women experiencing orgasm when they did not perceive
they were, other women just do not know if they do, not knowing for sure,
but they think they do. If a woman is unlikely to know whether she has
experienced orgasm in every instance, is it reasonable to expert her
partner to know?

Learning to Fake It!

Add to this the fact
that most young men and women have no idea what a woman looks, sounds,
and feels like during orgasm, because they have never been taught this
information. If anything, society makes every effort to prevent young
people from having access to it. We consider it abnormal and harmful
if a child or teenager should witness a woman or their peers having an
orgasm. Society makes little or no effort to teach people about female
sexual pleasure and orgasm. What we do teach people is not an accurate
representation of reality.

"Having worked at a TV station where I had to censor theatrical films for air, I can attest to the fact that one of the things that management felt was most objectionable was people enjoying sex. Rapes scenes could often be left in a movie but never a woman enjoying an orgasm -- even if you saw nothing and only heard the sounds of her pleasure. " — Beth Accomando January 17, 2012

Are movies and television a good source of
information, especially given that most often the orgasms and sexual
pleasure they portray are faked? If anything, this is why orgasms are
frequently faked during "real" sex; fifty-five
percent of women fake orgasm at least occasionally. We teach girls
and women how to fake orgasm, and in turn their partner is taught to
expect fake orgasms. Imagine the possibilities if both were taught about
real orgasms.

Should You Ask?

Should you ask your partner
if she experienced orgasm? While it is not a bad question to ask, it
is perhaps not the best one. This is because you are likely in a situation
of not being able to do anything about it if they did not. By this I
mean, you cannot go back in time, and the desire and opportunity for
sex may have passed if you wait until after the sexual experience to
ask her. If they have not, all you can do about it is feel a little disappointed,
either in yourself or your partner, or both. As a result, the question
that needs to be asked is, "Do you want to have an orgasm?" and
that question needs to be asked at the onset of the experience. You want
to be proactive versus reactive.

Taking Responsibility

The primary thing that
must occur is for a woman to take responsibility for her own sexual pleasure
and satisfaction. She cannot leave it to chance, or dream of finding
her knight in shining armor, they usually only exist in fairy tales.
Each woman must decide how important her sexual pleasure is to her. The
more important it is, the more effort she, not her partner, must put
into experiencing it. She must also define what is pleasurable to her,
not mold herself into someone she is not. While it sounds cold and unromantic,
she must see her partner as an instrument for her pleasure, as a tool
at her disposal, to be used for her benefit. This is how society permitted
men to view women in the past. As long as both partners hold this same
view of the other, neither becomes a sexual object, because in the process
of fulfilling their own desires, they will fulfill their partner's. That
is, if they are both honest, and as equally giving as they are selfish.

Does She Have the Desire
and Ability?

Next a woman must decide
whether she wants and is able to have an orgasm at the onset of each
sexual experience. Women often fake orgasm because they do not want to
have an orgasm, or know their body well enough to know one is not likely
to occur during the forth-coming sexual experience. They may want to
engage in sex because they enjoy the physical intimacy and pleasure,
even if orgasm is not a possibility. If a woman wants to have an orgasm,
and it is possible, she needs to communicate this to her partner up front.
She can be forthright by saying, "I want to have an orgasm," or
she may want to request a form of sex that will most likely result in
an orgasm. She can say, "Give me oral pleasure." If she does
not want to have an orgasm, or is not likely to have one, she can say,
"Tonight is for you," or "I want to give you pleasure." She
also has to be able to say "no" and "stop." If during
cunnilingus she realizes she is not going to experience orgasm, she needs
to say, "You can stop now if you want," or simply, "Please
stop." I realize this does not fall within the guidelines of what
we consider romantic sex, but then neither is faking orgasm. A woman
really needs to be honest with herself and her partner if she is to truly
enjoy sex, regardless of whether orgasm occurs or not. A woman must communicate
clearly to her partner what she means by her statements and actions prior
to the sexual act. A woman must clearly state what she wants and needs,
even if that entails clearly stating you do not know what you want. Ladies,
your partner is not a mind reader, and you did not come with an owner's
manual!

Whose Pleasure is it
Anyways?

What should a woman's
partner do? They must acknowledge and accept that her pleasure and orgasms
are for her benefit, not their own. Increasingly, men and women expect
women to orgasm on command. They want women to orgasm quickly and repeatedly
during every sexual experience. Not simply because they want to give
their partner pleasure, but also to demonstrate their own sexual skill
and prowess. They want to live up to society's expectations. They want
bragging rights, even if they cannot actually brag to their friends and
family. They want to feel good knowing they achieved this "goal." This
has understandably resulted in women feeling pressured to have orgasms,
to make their partner happy, to live up to their partner's and society's
expectations. Since these are unrealistic expectations, women frequently
fake orgasm to make their partner feel better about themselves. To help
prevent this, a woman's partner must give her permission not to have
an orgasm, and ask her not to fake orgasm.

Perhaps a woman's partner
can say to her, "I understand women often fake orgasm and there
are times when you may do this. If you have felt the need to fake orgasm
in the past, and should feel the need to do so in the future, I would
prefer that you did not. I want you to know you have my permission not
to have an orgasm, if you should feel you cannot or do not want to have
one. If you do want to have an orgasm, tell me so and tell me how I can
best help you to have an orgasm." This is an only an example of
what you can say, and these words may not be best for you or the relationship.
This conversation should take place in the kitchen or living room, not
the bedroom. Open communication is essential.

Treat Every Experience
as if it Were the Very First

A woman's partner should view each sexual experience
with her as though it were their very first. This is because you do not
know what she really wants until she tells you. After she has told you,
you do not know what will satisfy her needs until you try, and just because
it worked the last time does not mean it will work again. If you have
been together for twenty years, do you expect her to want the same thing
over and over again? Just because something worked one hundred times
before does not mean it will work one hundred and one times. Women, as
well as men, are not machines with a set program of needs and responses
that never change. Even though we often have a very narrow view of what
our partner wants and desires, even if we have never asked, or she has
never told us. Society tells us what they should want and we assume that
is what they want. Doing this is a gigantic mistake. A woman's partner
must be adaptable and accepting of her needs. To really fulfill a woman's
needs, her partner must act as if they know nothing and be accepting
of her expressed wishes and desires without reservation.

What Does She Want
and Need?

Once you accept that
you do not know what her needs are, you must find out what they are.
How do you do that? Many would say read a book about female sexuality,
or perhaps visit a website such as this one. The problem with this advice
is, your partner probably did not write the book or create the website.
Neither may be an accurate or complete guide of who she is or what her
needs are, though some may try to convince otherwise. If you really want
to know what a woman wants, you have to ask her. While she may know,
she also may not.

The greater a woman's
level of knowledge, experience, and acceptance of her sexuality, the
better idea she may have of her needs. If she has never engaged in masturbation
or partnered sex she probably has no idea of what her needs are and how
best to meet them. She may only know what she is expected to enjoy, which
is quite possibly not what she really wants and needs. Since women do
change with time, because of changes in their mind and body, caused by
their menstrual cycle, pregnancy, and life's ups and downs, they wont
always know what they want and need. The same is true of men of course.
You have to look at it as an adventure.

Become an Explorer

If you want to be a great
lover, you first have to be a great explorer. To be a great explorer,
you have to put the books and keyboards away and go do some field research.
You have to ask questions and test your ideas. If in the process of exploring
you do not make some wrong turns, find yourself at times lost, or have
some failed attempts, you did not really do any exploring. If at times
you are not frustrated or embarrassed, you have never challenged yourself.
If you never experience failure, you may be an okay lover, but you will
never be a lover your partner cherishes. He or she who has never failed
has never experienced greatness!

Eliminate the Need
to Ask

What if orgasm does occur,
how does her partner know? If a woman has an orgasm she should communicate
this to her partner, not expect them to instinctively know. She can simply
state, "Thanks you," "I had an orgasm," or "Thanks
for the wonderful orgasm." She should not expect her partner to
know that she did, even if she thinks or feels it was obviously to her
that she did. It is also a good idea for both individuals to thank their
partner for the pleasure they receive, even if orgasm does not occur.

When Her Wants Go Unfulfilled

Couples should be open
to the possibility of situations where the woman's partner thinks she
has had an orgasm when she actually has not. After a sexual experience
a woman's partner may be feeling content when she is feeling frustrated
and disappointed, because of this misinterpretation of events. This happens
because it is not uncommon for women to present the common signs or indications
of orgasm during sexual arousal. A woman's partner, on hearing her suddenly
cry out or upon feeling her thighs or vagina twitch, may believe she
has had an orgasm, and stop providing sexual stimulation. One way to
help prevent this is for a woman to be aggressive during sex, by taking
control of what her partner does. Do not allow your partner to stop until
you have had an orgasm, if that is what you want. Tell them not to stop,
do not be afraid to use mild physical force to get what you want and
need. If you sense they are stopping or slowing down, do not be afraid
to ask otherwise. If you really want something, you have to let them
know. Do not abuse your partner in the process, but don't allow your
needs to go unfulfilled.

Communication

If after sex a woman
did not have an orgasm, even though she wanted to, she needs to communicate
this to her partner. The couple needs to address ways of preventing this
in the future, when possible. Perhaps after dinner the next day she can
ask her partner if they can "discuss" their prior night's sexual
experience. They should eliminate all forms of distrations, like the
TV. She can then explain how she wanted to have an orgasm, but was not
able to, and possibly explain why. She needs to be sensitive of her partner's
feelings, but be honest never the less. Once she has presented her side,
she needs to ask her partner to present theirs. Both need to ask questions
until they understand what each is saying. Once they both know both sides
of the situation, and not before, they can consider the possible solutions.
It may simply be a case where her partner did not know she wanted them
to stimulate her longer, but were willing had they known, or they were
simply too tired to continue. It may also be a case where they do not
know how to stimulate her to orgasm, and she needs to teach them. They
may need to discuss the possibility that she needs and/or wants to masturbate,
alone or togther, if this situation should occur again. If a woman does
not communicate her desire for orgasm to her partner, she will likely
find her desires are never fulfilled.

When Orgasm Becomes
a Barrier to Pleasure

Couples need to be open
to the idea that orgasm can be a barrier to sexual pleasure. Couples
often see orgasm as the red light of sex, the signal to stop. Both partners
go for as long as the light is green, meaning orgasm has not occurred.
That means sexual pleasure only takes place prior to and during orgasm.
What if both partners have an orgasm within five minutes of initiating
sex? Compare this situation to on in which one or both patners have difficulty
experiencing orgasm, and as a result they engage in sex for thirty to
sixty minutes. Which couple has the greatest potential for experiencing
sexual pleasure? Surprisingly, not the couple who experiences orgasm
quickly, if at all. Orgasm is like a fireworks show, dazzling while it
lasts, but always over too soon. Do not make orgasm the sole goal of
sex or intimacy.

There is More to Sex
than Orgasm

Once orgasm becomes the
sole purpose of sex, sex can become boring and unsatisfying, regardless
of whether an orgasm is experienced. Orgasm is simply one form of sexual
pleasure, and not necessarily the most ideal. Experiencing orgasm does
not mean you will experience intense sexual pleasure or achieve sexual
fulfillment. Giving your partner an orgasm does not automatically make
you a great lover, especially if you expect them to. Yes, orgasms can
feel wonderful, and make life more enjoyable, but one must not place
unreasonable expectation upon them. When orgasm is expected, they become
the source of frustration, not the means of relaxation.

View orgasms as though
they were like chocolate ice cream. Some people do not like chocolate
and others are allergic to it. Even when people do like chocolate icecream,
they don't necessarily want it every single time they have ice cream,
and there are times when you can have it, but know it is better to go
without.

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