Archive for the ‘Funny’ Category

I don’t know about you, but I can’t wait to get my hands on some fucking gourds and arrange them in a horn-shaped basket on my dining room table. That shit is going to look so seasonal. I’m about to head up to the attic right now to find that wicker fucker, dust it off, and jam it with an insanely ornate assortment of shellacked vegetables. When my guests come over it’s gonna be like, BLAMMO! Check out my shellacked decorative vegetables, assholes. Guess what season it is—fucking fall. There’s a nip in the air and my house is full of mutant fucking squash.

I may even throw some multi-colored leaves into the mix, all haphazard like a crisp October breeze just blew through and fucked that shit up. Then I’m going to get to work on making a beautiful fucking gourd necklace for myself. People are going to be like, “Aren’t those gourds straining your neck?” And I’m just going to thread another gourd onto my necklace without breaking their gaze and quietly reply, “It’s fall, fuckfaces. You’re either ready to reap this freaky-assed harvest or you’re not.”

Carving orange pumpkins sounds like a pretty fitting way to ring in the season. You know what else does? Performing a all-gourd reenactment of an episode of Different Strokes—specifically the one when Arnold and Dudley experience a disturbing brush with sexual molestation.

As a child of a generation raised on television, I cannot help but regard Telemanjaro as the pinnacle of human achievement. I felt a strong compulsion to worship Telemanjaro and to buy the products it advertised to stay in its favor.

Anyone who visits Dallas should make a pilgrimage to see Telemanjaro, no matter how many organs you must sell to afford Jerry’s ticket prices. Fun fact: As much as two-thirds of your liver can grow back if removed.

The TV hangs above the players and weighs 660 tons, which initially made me fear that an accident might crush more than a dozen pampered millionaires to a fine paste.

But I realized quickly that Telemanjaro loves us and would not harm us, as long as we keep watching.