My husband hurts my feelings

Asked May 20, 2008, 04:23 PM
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8 Answers

I feel like nothing I can do is right. I try to make my husband happy but no matter what he finds something to complain about. I don't know what to do to make things better. It just seems like I am always wrong no matter what. He says I just take everything he says the wrong way and blow it up. I don't know if it is him or me but I need help... I hate feeling like this all the time. We are a lot different and he is very picky. He wants the house in tip top shape and I am kind of messy. He seems to think everything I do is wrong in one way or the other... What should I do?

I agree with the other comments here as well, but I've also come across a similar situation with my common law partner. Where he gets in a mood and snaps at me about minor things. He is stressed and upset, and I happen to be nearest to him. After one day of him snapping at me, he came to me to apologize, I told him that is was okay, I will keep standing up for myself. He told me that I shouldn't do that because it wasn't a good idea and would only make things worse. So I told him that I have every right to stand up to someone who is bullying me, because that was all he was doing was being outright mean to me. Lets just say he was a little shocked to be told outright that he was being a bully all day. He's been a lot better about it since.

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We'd like to understand what you find wrong with amcasbur's answer:

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Hi
My wife and I live on a farm and we are in the middle of a 7 yr drought... imagine very dusty and the house is messy as we spend most of our time out in the paddocks and tending to livestock.
My wife is very strong minded about keeping the house clean especially if she knows someone is coming so we both get in and clean it up other wise I remind her that it is a drought and that dust will get in... and we pick a day when we are not so busy outside to do it together... just remind him that he lives, eats andsleeps there as well so unless he's a cripple fair enough... otherwise tell him to pull his finger out and do his share. It take two to make a marriage work. Not only that I think slavery is finished or dead... well it is in this country... lol.

I am not sure of your living and working situation but we both work together all day long from sun up to sun down and we find that we are in one anothers pockets all day for every day... so we decided to have 3 hours each evening as prime time... the wife will watch her favourite shows and I'll talk or chat to people on the internet around the world until 7.30pm then we sit down together watch our shows, eat tea and hit the work bench (bed) about 9.30pm together

I found that this has helped tremendously so we continue to work and live as friends, hubby and wife, and a team

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I see no evidence of honest two way communication, or working together. I do see you letting him belittle you and put you down and that has to stop so stand up for yourself and don't just take his bad behavior toward you. Tell him to clean his own self. How old are you, and how long have you been married, and do you both work?

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My husband is very messy. I CAN be messy but I like the house clean. So I clean it and I have a housekeeper every other week for 4 hours. If I didn't, I would go crazy.

In my former marriage it was not about the house being cleaned. It was about control. No matter what I did it would not be clean enough. There was NO way to please him. The whole housekeeping-as-an-issue is just stupid. I live with the world's messiest person and I like a clean house. I ask him to do a little but I don't expect very much. I won't clean up after him because I would just get resentful so our solution is: he does some cleaning, I do some backing off, we hire a housekeeper. Compromise and solution. BUT if it's not really about house cleaning you can't get there from here. When it's about control, there is NO solution.

If it's really about cleanliness there are alternatives. You don't like it messy, you clean it. You don't want to? Hire someone. Just don't try to make ME do it. That's not on the list of options.

If it's about control it's time for marriage counseling or out the door or accept it. Your call.

Accept it, change it or leave. Those are your choices. Those are his choices.

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YOU NEED TO TALK TO HIM ABOUT IT...
I am on the flip side of this. I am the one who always wants the house cleaner, always wants things to be "Better".. I never even knew I was like this. He never said anything to me about it and I just lost my marriage because of it. I had no idea that is what I always did to him. If he would have told me, then I would have tried to fix that behavior because he was my world. And now I have no idea what to do without him. It is my fault I complained all the time, but it is just as much his for not telling me what it mean (or how it made him feel).

TALK TO HIM...

I signed up just to tell you that!

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