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The stock market, which has been trading sideways for months amid soaring oil prices and bulging budget deficits, received another body-blow today when it was revealed that Federal Reserve Board Chairman Alan Greenspan ran out of a Sizzler restaurant in Secaucus, New Jersey Wednesday night without paying.

Greenspan, who had dined early in the evening to take advantage of the Sizzler's Early Bird Meal Deal, ate a large dinner consisting of potato skins and Hibachi Chicken, followed by several visits to the restaurant's tempting Sundae Bar, according to Shondra McMullen, the waitress who served him.

"When I was adding up his check, he started telling me about inflationary pressures and the real estate bubble and all, and I guess I kind of nodded off," Ms. McMullen said. "And when I woke up, the old guy was gone."

On Wall Street, market-watchers indicated that every time Mr. Greenspan has "dined and dashed" in the past, the stock market has fallen into a bearish swoon.

"I remember right before the market crash of '87, Greenspan ran out on the check at an Outback Steakhouse," said Dexter Tolan of Credit Suisse First Boston.

In an attempt to calm the markets, Mr. Greenspan released a statement today indicating that the economy was fundamentally sound and denying that he had pocketed a dozen ketchup packets at KFC.

Elsewhere, a new survey in Britain showed that fifty percent of those polled think Camilla Parker Bowles should get the title of Queen while another fifty percent think the title should go to Elton John.

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JWR Contributor Andy Borowitz, the first-ever recipient of the National Press Club's Award for Humor, is a former president of the Harvard Lampoon,and a regular humor columnist for Newsweek.com, The New Yorker, The New York Times and TV Guide. Recognized by Esquire magazine as one of the most powerful producers in television, he was the creator and producer of the hit TV series The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and producer of the Oscar-nominated film Pleasantville.