One Obadiah Plainman, who, being of the LOWER ORDERS, hath not access to a blogging platform, a most unenviable state in the current times. He is however a close acquaintance of MR. FENSTER, who as is well known occupies a position of some prominence in the blogging world. MR. FENSTER holds Mr. Plainman in the highest regard, despite the fact that MR. FENSTER his self is of the highest character and considered one of the BETTER FROGS.

Mr. Plainman is an Englishman and is proud of his vote to leave the Union. But he is vexed to a high degree by recent events in Europe and wishes that his opinions on such events be broadcast to the WIDEST POSSIBLE AUDIENCE. He naturally turned to MR. FENSTER with a request that his views be disseminated.

At Uncouth Reflections we may be many things but second only to being pornographers of the very first rank we are most proud that we are PRINTERS, and only of material of the highest caliber. We think Mr. Plainman’s reflections, uncouth as they may be, are of this highest caliber and we recommend them to you without hesitation.

Here, Mr. Plainman addresses the issue of the events in Europe. An acquaintance of his furnished him with an article from the New York Times that suggested bad faith and connivance on the part of the so-called “Leave” side. When his acquaintance told Mr. Plainman that he himself agreed with those views, Mr. Plainman’s wrote the following response, and we are pleased to publish it here.

Obadiah writes:

SIR,

On my first hearing of the Outcry that was raised against the recent events in England, especially that related to the charges of bad faith on the part of the so-called “LEAVE” proponents, &c. I immediately called for the Times but, tho’ I read the Article over and over with the greatest Attention, I was not able to discover in it the least injurious Reflection on the Characters of the Gentlemen concerned. My ill Success, I then attributed to my Stupidity, and concluded that the Abuse, tho’ I could not see it, must nevertheless be very perspicuous to the BETTER SORT, otherwise, they would not have made so loud a Complaint against it, as it is publickly known they did, since it was in a very publick Manner.

I comforted myself with the Hopes, that, on further reflection and reading, the Mist would have been dispelled from my Eyes. But, I can’t help declaring, that, notwithstanding all the Assistance you have furnished me with, the Injury complained of, still remains to me as great a Secret as ever.

You tell us the Article manifestly carries in it an Insinuation that the Persons concerned with advocating a departure from the Union behaved scandalously. But, with Submission, I think the Article manifestly insinuates the quite contrary. It mentions, that the Gentlemen concerned wished the bonds with the Union to be broken. To me this is the strongest Evidence that could be given of their Dislike to the Principles that had been forced upon them, principles that are antithetical to the conduct of a free people in a REPUBLIC.

I hope, Sir, from what I have said, you can be convinced, that you have brought before Us a most ridiculous Complaint against an imaginary Abuse, and consequently you have been all this Time doing nothing more than beating the Air, and fighting without an Adversary.

In the next Place, I am to reprimand you, Sir, for your disrespectful Behaviour to Us, the people who have spoken. We take Notice, that you have ranked yourself under the Denomination of the BETTER SORT of People, which is an Expression always made use of in Contradistinction to the meaner Sort, i.e. the Mob, or the Rabble. Tho’ We are not displeased with such Appellations when bestowed on Us by our Friends, yet We have ever regarded them as Terms of outrageous Reproach, when applied to Us by our Enemies; for in this (and so it is in many other Cases) the Words are to receive their Construction from the known Mind of the Speaker: Your Demosthenes’ and Ciceroes, your Sidneys and Trenchards never approached Us but with Reverence: The High and Mighty Mob, The Majesty of the Rabble, The Honour and Dignity of the Populace, Or such like Terms of Respect, were frequent in their Orations; and what a high Opinion they entertained of the Accuracy of Our Judgment, appears from those elaborate Compositions they addressed to Us.

They never took upon them to make a Difference of Persons, but as they were distinguished by their Virtues or their Vices. But now our present Scriblers expect our Applause for reviling us to our Faces. They consider us as a stupid Herd, in whom the Light of Reason is extinguished. Hence every impertinent Babler thinks himself qualified to harangue us, without Style, Argument or Justness of Sentiment. Your gross Deficiency in the two latter Particulars are plainly apparent; and as to your Skill in Language you have furnished Us with the following notable Example: You affirm That “Leave’s” Tenets are mischievous: Therefore, on that Supposition, it is impossible they should be contemptible; yet, with the same Breath you assure Us, that you have them in the utmost Contempt. This is the merriest Gibberish I ever met with. Surely, you have not published it as a Sample of the Stile of those polite Folks, who by their own Authority, “contrary to Law and Justice, without any previous Application to or Consent first had” of their Fellow-Citizens, have usurped the Title of the BETTER SORT.

Under these gentle Reprehensions We now dismiss you, hoping you will make a proper Use of them, when you shall judge it convenient to appeal to Us again.

I am, On Behalf of myself and the Rest of myBrethren of the Meaner Sort,Yours, &c.OBADIAH PLAINMAN.

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About Fenster

Gainfully employed for thirty years, including as one of those high paid college administrators faculty complain about. Earned Ph.D. late in life and converted to the faculty side. Those damn administrators are ruining everything.

I will climb back up the hill partway in delivering this response. After all, I am, as you so well put it, a member of the BETTER SORT and I must always aim to be proper when addressing a member of the MEANER SORT.

Not that I believe for one moment you are of the MEANER SORT yourself, and that you are not engaged in a kind of trickery that it is your intention that the lower orders swallow whole.

You may fashion yourself as a sort of Tribune of the People, their Prince and Leader perhaps. But I need not remind you that Tribunes, Princes and Leaders are universally of the BETTER SORT of person, and I expect that you are of that cast (or as the Hindoos may say, caste) yourself. The plain fact is, Mr. Plainman, the BETTER SORT run things, and the only question is what kind of BETTER SORT and what their aims may be.

You may wish to suggest that the MEANER SORT is capable of the manner of solidarity on which political order depends. Would that that were so! In fact, all good order—including the very REPUBLICAN order that you profess to admire—depends on the BETTER SORT sorting things out for the rest.

It is my view, and decidedly so, that the Project in Europe to which you raise objection is a NOBLE one. That it is led by BETTER PEOPLE should not be used as an argument against it. I would ask that you consider your own words, and not “make a Difference of Persons, but as they were distinguished by their Virtues or their Vices.” Judge the Project by its Virtues, and not by a set of Vices you allege on the part of its Sponsors.

I fancy from your prose that you may well be an admirer of the late Benjamin Franklin, PRINTER of Philadelphia. He, too, took himself from time to time to be a Tribune of the people. Yet was he not a known associate of the BETTER SORT of person who founded the American REPUBLIC? Was he not present at the creation of the Constitution, a document that in many ways embodies the same principles to which Europe now inexorably bends? Did not Franklin himself endorse the notion that what one person can do—what one state can do, what one nation can do—is small indeed when compared with what can be accomplished when strong bonds are made between constituent parts? Would you have stopped with the Articles of Confederation? Would Franklin?

A very wise man named Traub has modestly proposed that the BETTER SORT stop pretending that they are not in fact BETTER and to give it to the MEANER SORT with both barrels.

Amen.

I am, On Behalf of myself and the Rest of my
Brethren of the Better Sort,
Yours, &c.