9.04.2014

Where is the F^*k!ng Parenting Manual?

Parenting is not for the faint of heart. There are moments that will bring you to your knees and others that will bring you more joy than you can possibly imagine. Unfortunately, kids don't come with manuals. There are plenty of experts that will claim that they know best but all you can do is trust your instincts. Inevitably, I am going to get a lot wrong but I would also like to think I will get some things right. Only time will tell.

In my late twenties, I was diagnosed with panic disorder with agoraphobia plus depression. It happened after I stopped drinking daily. I thought I was breaking into a million pieces and I wanted to die. Apparently, drinking was self medicating and I had been doing it for many years. Who knew?
Looking back, all of the symptoms were present early on but it was believed that I would grow out of it. My mom thought I would grow out of it. Shows you how much she knew, because I didn't and it got worse over the years.

I was bullied in grade school and laughed at in high school because I did not fit in. My family, especially, my younger brother, did not understand and still don't have a clue. I also didn't finish college because I could only leave my apartment to go to work and back. I tried to several times to complete it but sitting in a classroom of strangers paralyzed me.

I eventually got help and medication. I still drink just no where near as much as I did in my twenties.

It never goes away. It is always lurking in the shadows of my mind just waiting to take over again. Some days it wins. Luckily, I am really good at masking. Moving back home scared me more than anything else that was out there so I learned to adapt. Losing my family is my new motivation. The darkness will never go away.

Would life be easier had my parents did something, anything different? Maybe, but I would not be who I am now and I love who I am, even if my brain disagrees from time to time. I have a fantastic family and a great career.

It is impossible to know which decisions we make for our kids now will be the ones that f^@k$ them up. All we can do is the best we can with as much love as we can muster and hope that it is enough.

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