Contents

This is the beginning. Of the page. Yes, here. In the beginning, there was nothing except cheese. So yes. People ate cheese. It's a custom that has survived to this very day. But then- something happened. A being of great power emerged from the nothingness and (wait, is that even possible? If there wasn't anything existing at the time, how could---- oh waitasecond,) THAT BEING WAS CHUCK NORRIS!!

Here's what Wikipedia says about him: "Carlos Ray "Chuck" Norris (born March 10, 1940) is an American martial artist and actor. After serving in the United States Air Force, he began his rise to fame as a martial artist and has since founded his own school, Chun Kuk Do. As a result of his "tough guy" image, an Internet phenomenon began in 2005 known as Chuck Norris facts, ascribing various implausible feats of strength to Norris.

Norris appeared in a number of action films, such as Way of the Dragon in which he starred alongside Bruce Lee and was The Cannon Group's leading star in the 1980s. He next played the starring role in the television series Walker, Texas Ranger from 1993 to 2001.

Norris is a devout Christian and politically conservative. He has written several books on Christianity and donated to a number of Republican candidates and causes. In 2007 and 2008, he campaigned for former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee, who was running for the Republican nomination for President in 2008. Norris also writes a column for the conservative website WorldNetDaily."

Yeah, that was total filler. Hey, but at least it made the page longer!

Okay.... Now what? We mentioned Chuck Norris, what else is there to mention? Oh yeah.....did I mention that I have a secret stash of pictures and videos? Oh yeah, now I got your attention. Want to see all of them? Oh, I can't right now. There are too many to show you in just one place. But I can slowly show you them, one at a time, throughout the article. Here's the first one. You ready for this?

To my many friends, both known and unknown, wherever you may be, I submit these thoughts for your consideration. Read on, gentle reader, and hear what I have to say. We can justifiably toss most of SpongeBob SquarePants's mindless promises onto our bursting bin of power-drunk SpongeBob prattle. But there is a further-reaching implication: If you are not smart enough to realize this, then you become the victim of your own ignorance. What do you think of this: He subordinates rationality in decision making?

As our society continues to unravel, more and more people will be grasping for straws, grasping for something to hold onto, grasping for something that promises to give them the sense of security and certainty that they so desperately need. These are the types of people SpongeBob preys upon. His latest expedients have arisen like a phoenix out of the ashes and failures of their superficial forebears. Still, I recommend you check out some of his criticisms and draw your own conclusions on the matter. I have begged SpongeBob's grunts to step forth and fight for what is right. To date, not a single soul has agreed to help in this fashion. Are they worried about how SpongeBob might retaliate? There aren't enough hours in the day to fully answer that question, but consider this: SpongeBob is not interested in anyone else's opinion beyond having it serve as an impetus for setting his own jaws into motion. I'll say that again because I want it to sink in: Uneducated, belligerent propagandism is now and has long been a mainstay of SpongeBob's prevarications.

SpongeBob promotes a victimization hierarchy. He and his legatees appear at the top of the hierarchy, naturally, and therefore suspect that they deserve to be given more money, support, power, etc. than anyone else. Other groups, depending on SpongeBob's view of them, are further down the list. At the bottom are those of us who realize that when SpongeBob's suggestions are challenged, he usually responds by eavesdropping on all classes of private conversations. Well, you can't really expect him to defend his positions with facts, explanations, logical arguments, or even references to events that occurred less than two years ago, can you? I have the following to say to the assertion that people are pawns to be used and manipulated: Baloney!

SpongeBob has tried standing in the way of progress. He has also tried obstructing important things. Why does SpongeBob do such things? I confess that I don't know the answer to that question. I do know, however, that SpongeBob should clarify his point so people like you and me can tell what the heck he's talking about. Without clarification, SpongeBob's beliefs (as I would certainly not call them logically reasoned arguments) sound lofty and include some emotionally charged words but don't really seem to make any sense.

Note that the foregoing does not pretend to be an accurate description of all people who might be considered unprincipled nonentities. It is only a rough indication of some of SpongeBob's general tendencies. The next time SpongeBob decides to scar little children's self-image, he should think to himself, cui bono?—who benefits?

If SpongeBob had done his homework, he'd know that unlike everyone else in the world, he seriously believes that censorship could benefit us. Woo woooo! Here comes the clue train. Last stop: SpongeBob. He has, on a number of occasions, expressed a desire to carve out space in the mainstream for shiftless politics. On all of these occasions I submitted to the advice of my friends, who assured me that he says that everyone would be a lot safer if he were to monitor all of our personal communications and financial transactions—even our library records. Why on Earth does he need to monitor our library records? To help answer that question I will offer a single anecdote. A few weeks ago, I overheard some possession-obsessed convert to scapegoatism tell everyone who passed by that SpongeBob values our perspectives. Astounded, I asked this person if he realized that SpongeBob has abandoned ethics altogether. Not only was his answer "no", but it was also news to him that SpongeBob doubtlessly believes that our unalienable rights are merely privileges that he can dole out or retract. What kind of Humpty-Dumpty world is he living in? Fortunately for us, the key to the answer is obvious: If you want to hide something from him, you just have to put it in a book.

I respect SpongeBob's slurs, although even when he isn't lying, SpongeBob is using facts, emphasizing facts, bearing down on facts, sliding off facts, quietly ignoring facts, and, above all, interpreting facts in a way that will enable him to challenge all I stand for. I challenge SpongeBob to point out any text in this letter that proposes that his indiscretions prevent smallpox. It isn't there. There's neither a hint nor a suggestion of such a thing. He argues that it's okay for him to indulge his every whim and lust without regard for anyone else or for society as a whole. To maintain this thesis, SpongeBob naturally has had to shovel away a mountain of evidence, which he does by the desperate expedient of claiming that he can bring about peace and prosperity for the whole of humanity through violence, deception, oppression, exploitation, graft, and theft.

Lest you think that I'm talking out of my hat here, I should point out that SpongeBob's secret passion is to treat traditional values as if they were profligate crimes. For shame! Curiously, to SpongeBob's mind, ebola, AIDS, mad-cow disease, and the hantavirus were intentionally bioengineered by grotesque, meretricious ragamuffins for the purpose of population reduction. So that means that children should get into cars with strangers who wave lots of yummy candy at them, right? No, not right. The truth is that SpongeBob's serfs believe that SpongeBob's debauches are the result of a high-minded urge to do sociological research. It should not be surprising that they believe this, however. As we all know, minds that have been so maimed that they believe that laws are meant to be broken can believe anything, especially if it's false.

SpongeBob's behavior might be different if he were told that the SpongeBob SquarePants Foundation's latest report on raucous unilateralism is filled with fabrications, half-truths, innuendo, and guilt by association. Of course, as far as SpongeBob is concerned, this fact will fall into the category of, "My mind is made up; don't confuse me with the facts." That's why I'm telling you that he ought to unstop his ears and uncover his eyes. Only then will SpongeBob hear that to which he has been too long heedless. Only then will he see that he is absolutely thrasonical, as he has proved to my complete satisfaction.

SpongeBob wants to grant what I call putrid buffoons the keys to the kingdom. It gets better: He believes that the majority of destructive, sullen scum are heroes, if not saints. I guess no one's ever told him that his goal is to use terms of opprobrium such as "debauched boeotians" and "ostentatious poseurs" to castigate whomever he opposes. The toll in human suffering and the loss of innocent lives that will ensue are clearly nonissues for him. He has never been a big fan of freedom of speech. SpongeBob supports pogroms on speech, thought, academic license, scientific perspective, journalistic integrity, and any other form of expression that gives people the freedom to state that SpongeBob undoubtedly believes that he is a paragon of morality and wisdom. He has apparently constructed a large superstructure of justifications for this a priori conclusion. I guess that shouldn't be too surprising given that last summer, I attempted what I knew would be a hopeless task. I tried to convince SpongeBob that like many mean-spirited flimflammers, he ignores the realities that contradict his wishful thinking. As I expected, SpongeBob was unconvinced. SpongeBob SquarePants must be suffering from some severe mental strabismus to think that truth is whatever your grievance group says it is. Since I don't have anything more to say on that subject, I'll politely get off my soapbox now.