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Women to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and
stick a beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months.
After 9 months remove 5% of the beans.

Men to prepare for paternity, go to a local chemist, tip
the contents of your wallet onto the counter and tell the
pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket.
Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head
office. Go home. Pick up the newspaper and read it for the
last time.

Test 2

Find a couple who are already parents and berate them about
their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly
low tolerance levels and how they have allowed their
children to run wild. Suggest ways in which they might
improve their child's sleeping habits,toilet training, table
manners and overall behavior. Enjoy it. It will be the last
time in your life that you will ha ve all the answers.

Test 3

To discover how the nights will feel

1. Walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a
wet bag weighing approximately 4 - 6kg, with a radio turned
to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly.

2. At 10pm, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and
go to sleep.

3. Get up at 12pm and walk the bag around the living room
until 1am.

4.Set the alarm for 3am.

5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a
cup of tea.

6.Go to bed at 2.45am.

7. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off.

8. Sing songs in the dark until 4am.

9. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up when it goes off.

10. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years.

LOOK CHEERFUL.

Test 4

Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems

1. Buy a live octopus and a string bag.

2. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that no
arms hang o ut.

3. Time allowed for this 5 minutes.

Test 5

Forget the BMW and buy a practical 5 door wagon. And don't
think that you can leave it out on the driveway spotless and
shining. Family cars don't look like that.

1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove
compartment.

2. Leave it there.

3. Get a coin. Insert it into the cd player.

4. Take a box of chocolate biscuits; mash them into the back
seat.

5. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

Test 6

Get ready to go out

1. Wait

2. Go out the front door

3. Come back in again

4. Go out

5. Come back in again

6. Go out again

7. Walk down the front path

8. Walk back up it

9. Walk down it again

10. Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes.

11. Stop, inspect minutely and ask at least 6 questions
about every piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead
insect al ong the way.

12. Retrace your steps

13. Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until
the neighbours come out and stare at you.

14. Give up and go back into the house.

15. You are now just about ready to try taking a small child
for a walk.

Test 7

Repeat everything you say at least 5 times.

Test 8

Go to the local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing
you can find, to a pre-school child. A full-grown goat is
excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take
more than one goat. Buy your weeks groceries without letting
the goat(s) out of your sight. Pay for everything the goat
eats or destroys. Until you can easily accomplish this, do
not even contemplate having children.

Test 9

1. Hollow out a melon

2. Make a small hole in the side

3. Suspend the melon from the ceiling and swing it side to
side

4. Now get a bowl of soggy cornflakes and attempt to spoon
them into the swaying melon while pretending to be an
aeroplane.

5. Continue until half the cornflakes are gone.

6. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it
falls on the floor.

7. You are now ready to feed a 12-month old child.

Test 10

Learn the names of every character from the Wiggles, Thomas
the Tank Engine and Disney. Watch nothing else on television
for at least 5 years.

Test 11

Can you stand the mess children make? To find out

1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the
curtains

2. Hide a fish behind the stereo and leave it there all
summer.

3. Stick your fingers in the flower beds and then rub them
on clean walls.

4. Cover the stains with crayon.

5. How does that look?

Test 12

Make a recording of someone shouting 'Mummy' repeatedly.

Important no more than a 4 second delay between each Mummy
- occasional cresce ndo to the level of a supersonic jet if
required.

Play this tape in your car, everywhere you go for the next 4
years.

You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

Test 13

Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else
continually tug on your shirt hem or shirt sleeve while
playing the Mummy tape listed above.

You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while
there's a child in the room.

Test 14

Put on your finest work attire. Pick a day on which you have
an important meeting. Now