University of St Andrews

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“I like the university and also flying around and shitting on students.”

~ Steven Seagull on hanging around in St Andrews

The University of St Andrews, informally referred to as "St Andrews", is the insecure, alcoholic step-sister of Oxbridge (which, in turn is the insecure, dated, and haggard spinster sister of the Ivy League). It gained some degree of fame when The Chap magazine's university league table described it as "the world's premier Caledonian arts and crafts centre".

The University was originally conceived by Lord Voldemort as a school where the most evil wizards could be taught to use their powers for the pursuit of world domination, although time has changed this aim subtly, so that the aim is now to gain entry to a career working in Human Resources or management consultancy.

Actually, that's not much of a change at all.

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Founded in AD fourteen-eleventy-something and dedicated to the preservation of age-old traditions such as splendid isolation, the pier-walk or cliff-jump and the monkey-shave, St Andrews is one of the few University towns still to brand its students' foreheads upon matriculation with the University crest, which shows the University mascot, Rory McLion. Until 2006 it schooled the prominent rap star and future king of Britain, P-Willy.

The University enjoys typical British weather, such as gales, snow, bird flu and unpleasantness. On the four days a year when the sun is visible, students engage in a variety of sports, including roogby; Heads down, bums up; and Hammers.

The University operates a North English module-based educational structure, which basically means that you have to be a genius to get in and a moron to drop out. Out of a twenty-point marking scale, the pass mark is seven. Logically, seven is equal to 54% of 20. A 20 is virtually impossible in all subjects except Tweed design unless one joins the gap yah association. Particularly light degree courses include Beach Observation, Respiration, Staring at the Pretty People and dressing in tweed & wellies.

The full and correct title of the university is The University of Street Andrews. This is sometimes misconstrued as The University of Saint Andrews due to underzealous use of the full stop.

Both the University and its student body are held in high regard by the academic community, usually those who couldn't gain admission, with many leading intellectuals keen to offer their opinions on the quality of research, the lofty standards of teaching and the superiority of the students.

Delia Smith once studied at the University on a government-assisted training scheme, but this was quickly closed when it was realised the demographic balance may change once people from Norfolk entered the institution.

A resident of the top floor of the Bute trying to pass himself off as a local. Tragically, his rudimentary concept of object permanence gave him away.

The student population is 14% female, 2% male, and the remainder is made up of bearded effeminate men (from all nationalities) in kilts who are trying to fit in with the local. A consequence of these demographics is that most males tend to "hit above their weight," and their female counterparts also "eat above their weight", so to speak.

The Town is famous for the world's best night-life, The Whey Pat Tavern, The BOP, (getting slizzard at) The Lizard and The Blue Stane (A.K.A. The Poo Stain) being just four of the vast numbers of massive nightclubs in the area

Despite this imbalance, an astonshing 67% of graudates go on to get married, discover they have nothing in common and find themselves spending the rest of their lives arguing over the custody of something they stole from a hobo, one chilly night in February.

Undergraduates make up 114% of the town's population. Neds, of course, register as negatives.

Following the University's decision to raise tuition fees many pubs in the area follow suit by raising the price of a pint of Tennents (again!) to £9000.

The student population is 18% English (of which 16% were formerly a Rah on a Gahp Yah), 78% American (of which half are from Boston. Students in the other half claim to be from New York City, although most of them are actually from 'Upstate New York' or Connectthedots), 3% Other and 1% failed to tick a box in the survey correctly and are assumed to be Scottish.

The gravity in St Andrews has been incorrectly installed, causing such cataclysmic events as St Andrews coming in third in The Guardian league table.

A degree in medicine is also known to be incredibly easy, with what should be a six year Medicine degree being shortened to just three, at which point the students head to another university and start practising.

The University has four Faculties, each of which is divided into subject-specific schools:

The Faculty of Arts has 48,000,000 students, most of whom are Wanna-Be CIA Agents (International Relations) or Sloane Rangers (History of Art). 93% of them will end up working in middle management or data entry.

The Faculty of Science has 213 students, studying such diverse and uninteresting things as molecular biology, biochemistry and that one with all the numbers.

The Faculty Divinity has 12 students. No-one has ever met any of them, except God who has met them all and disliked all but one (who was later expelled and later burnt at the stake for not being Christian enough). It is said they wield magical powers such as their ability to shoot Doritos out of their hands and use 30" Bibles as shields against the powers of science. Divinity students tend to be overweight and non-violent.

The Faculty of Medicine has no students at all, because Hugh Macdougall refuses to smile.

The University has varied Halls of Residence, from the revered St. Sylvester's - where P-Willy resided, to the infamous Ghetto Hall (formerly known as Andrew Melville Hall) and the 700yr old New Hall (which, as of April 2012, has announced its cunning plan to be renamed Blackadder Hall. Plans to rename Andrew Melville Hall 'Baldrick Hall' are still in the works). The university decided that the halls in the centre of town were not posh enough, and so built the Davidington Russellworth-Smythe Apartments. Despite being an astronomical distance from town, at a staggering three quarters of a mile, each apartment comes with countless useless features including a jacuzzi, helipad, and private butler. The apartments also conveniently overlook the much older Fife Park Houses, said to have been modelled on Auschwitz in an ill-fated attempt to woo Jewish students, and are therefore excellently placed for the upper classes' favourite pastime, laughing at poor people. This has, however, caused an ongoing epic class war between residents of DRA and Fife Park, which has reached cold war levels, with a segregation fence between the two residences and the occasional lynching of a Parker found in DRA after dark - to keep them in their place. Some residents of Fife Park have resorted to terrorist bombings of the Bistro in an attempt to make themselves heard.

Alternatively, the University simply selects the most valuable, recognisable and well-placed Hall and sells it to Japanese time-share enthusiasts at fire-sale prices who will undoubtedly revel in the possibility of sharing some time looking at golf courses (and, of course, taking photographs).

The University library, housed in a multi-storey car park in the centre of town, currently contains 24 books, most of which with pictures, shortly to be replaced with a single subscription to Apple iBooks, which students will be able to access one at a time, thus minimising library overcrowding and maximising the opportunity for students to blame missed deadlines on inadequate provisions. However, this will eliminate common complaints of the stairs being too short and the double-doors into the toilets being too close together.

The University managed to get as far refurbishing the ground floor of the library before running out of money. Modelled on a trendy space-craft design, it includes unseen forces to completely confuse and disorientate travellers upon boarding and invisible glass panels to trap unsuspecting victims in Short Loan. Since the ascension of Our Glorious Leader, Louise Richardson, policy changes have been enforced, meaning that all entry to the University library is electronically controlled. Those who try to leave prematurely are halted by the laser barriers and held captive until the President's minions deem exit acceptable. Those caught with food on the upper floors are also imprisoned for hate crimes against the 24 books and 5 seats Her Graciousness has bestowed upon us. All phone conversations are considered treasonous, and are punishable by pier jump.

The town also boasts a pier (whose sole purpose is to 'thin out' the student population during weekly death-marches), a steadfast resilience to fast-food outlets (except, notably, Subway, who tricked town planners by masquerading as being somehow linked to the Department of Transport and a fast-food restaurant named "Empire" hidden away from the locals down an alley) and a despairingly large population of Americans who, alarmingly, wander off their natural habitat of golf courses and golf-themed hotels. Passers by have noted the similarity between early 21st Century St Andrews and late 60's/early 70's Vietnam.

The town also features several fully functional Big Issue Vending Machines, bussed in from nearby Glenrothes to create the impression of a social hierarchy for the few students who have never seen one before.

Founded about half an hour ago, the Students' Union is located in a disused red tape factory in the centre of town. The ground floor is devoted almost entirely to holding cells for poor and drunk students, the middle floor is occupied by Jesus' no-good half brother Freddie Fforde and his Sabbaths, all of whom have either lived there or in halls for the past decade, and no-one knows what happens on the top floor. The building has fourteen staircases all of which are locked.

The Disassociation suffered a massive schism 2007, when the Disassociation President Captain Ben Cook and Disassociation Chair Martha Stewart excommunicated each other. The resulting explosion resulted in the Disassociation subsequently achieving equilibrium, in the form of numerous sub-committees. Every sub-committee has a vague remit that they must strictly ignore and blame the ensuing mess on poor communication. Once a year people in power are systematically slaughtered and new hackspores take their places. This is referred to as 'The Circle of Fife'.

The University of St Andrews Union Debating Society is full of even stranger people, best exemplified by when a recent floor speech at LPH (Lithuanian Pamplemousse Hall) made by the world's worst Literal Democrat, Tom Cahn, called for a 'final solution' to the 'Sabbatical problem'. The Debaters planned a brave new world which, following the demolition of the Union will bring about a new period of prosperity for the students that will last a glorious 1000 years, having a similar effect to the Pashmina of Ultimate Darkness. There were also murmurings of securing a Lebensraum for the great mediocre 2:1-earning masses of St Andrews.

The Union has come under criticism many times in its short and Bureaucratic history. Failure to prevent the [[Great Tweed Riot is thought to have resulted in the deaths of 6 hacks although no sub-committee has reached a quorate judgement.

For his crimes against the Disassociation, the one time Director of Misrepresentation, Handsome Steve the Hut, is kept chained in the basement. It is part of the President's remit to scrub his hard-to-reach places and to ensure that he is regularly fed sticks of butter. When young Hackspores miss their bop duty, they are fed alive to this monstrosity.

The younger sibling of the Students' Disassociation, this union prides itself on two core themes:

Winning - Charlie Sheen is rumoured to be the Patron of the Union and the man behind its great success.

Akin to Miss World, it works towards achieving world peace by encouraging students to attend meditation and holistic classes, whereby students stand on one leg and hum along to the Vengaboys five hits in unison.

Should all else fail, they also provide pirates classes (akin to duelling, though soothing music is played in the background).

Raisin Weekend is the traditional eleven-day weekend where academic 'families' live out their new-found familial bliss by sleeping with each other and lathering everyone up with shaving foam. Students are forced to drink their weight in vodka and be creative with contraceptive devices. Chuck Norris currently holds the record for most contraceptive devices used in this weekend with an extraodinary 27 different contraceptive techniques being employed simultaneously (though 9 months later this proved to be not quite enough to contain his extreme virlity). Devout Christians are encouraged to be creative with the Rhythm Method, often with disastrous results, such as beheaded chickens. It is widely rumoured that the tempo of Raisin Weekend ramps up annually in the hopes that it will trigger a second Great Tweed Riot, which would cause the cancellation of classes for all eternity.

The Foam fight is also a traditional part of Raisin Weekend. This involves every student in the University, starts at dawn and doesn't stop until someone dies of foam poisoning or old age. In times of old the fight occurred only in St Salvator's Quad but recently has overspilled into such fun locations as LPH, the Philosophy department and Brian Lang's office. An attempt to phase out the foam fight in 2006 ended in hilarious disaster when the university court ruled to replace it with a dance-off between Brian Lang and the Dean of Medicine.

It is rumoured that the University only allows this frankly ludicrously dangerous tradition to continue because it reaps the benefits of a meaty contract with Gillette and The 'Incest is Best' Foundation of Alabama. The emergency services receive a large chunk of this sponsorship deal, in exchange for becoming glorified street-cleaners for the night.

Raisin Weekend 2002 was just one battle (although a drunken one) in the year long war between the five great academic crime families of St Andrews. The victors gained a monopoly over black market red gowns, stealing things from the union, and bribing hacks to do what they want, including all forms of juggling.

Raisin weekend 2003 Students from Dundee "University" took advantage of the festivities and attempt to humiliate St Andrews by stealing John Burnett Hall. The Bute Medical School considered sending a team of heroes to save John Burnett but then thought the better of it and had another pie.

Raisin weekend 2004 Outrage is caused in the faculty of arts when the entire school of film studies becomes a raisin receipt, local police did nothing as they didn't notice it at the time.

Raisin Weekend 2007 was bought on ebay by the School of English for £17.94 + P&P. The School nobly attempted to change the focus of the weekend from boozing and bonking to public and joyous worship of Dr Sir Philip Parry. Unfortunately few people knew that the University even had a School of English, much less a Knight of the realm worth worshiping. Instead the usual mix of chunder and incest prevailed, which surprised no-one except Student Support, who thought that this year might finally herald the end of the massacre. They were all sacked for being really badly wrong.

Raisin Weekend 2008 saw seven and a half enraged, elderly golfers force members of the KK to actually give to charity. No, really. The townspeople rejoiced.

Raisin Weekend 2009 saw the end of the school of medicine when a giant turkey on orders from the school of divinity came and trampled the building, everyone was surprised as to how this happened as most of them were unaware of a school of divinity.

Raisin Weekend 2011 Saw the entire student body drink themselves into oblivion in protest of the road works on North street. 125,500 people were hospitalised. The road works continued without incident. However there was outrage by the locals when one infamous plant pot found its way to the centre of a roundabout, causing havoc for all of ten minutes. Rumours as to whether the plant pot was a distraction so that the KK could secretly buy every other road in St Andrews are unconfirmed.

Raisin Weekend 2012 was the first to take place under strict new laws criminalising the theft of things (even if you were totally going to put them back), the damage of other things (even if they were a bit crap to begin with) and the drinking of alcoholic things (even if you're dinished finking, offither, I promith). These Orwellian impositions on traditional and harmless frolics resulted in 1.1 million people being held overnight in Glenrothes police station. Ten or eleven students still at liberty in St Andrews at nightfall on Raisin Sunday got together for a singalong and had a jolly nice time of it.

Raisin Weekend 2013 was cancelled after the Home Secretary Theresa May decided to remove all students, citizens, pets, books, pints, rocks, thoughts, and anything else deemed not BNP enough from the UK. As a result the Big Issue lady was forced to celebrate alone on the steps of Tesco by asking an empty street "Big issue please?". She surprisingly sold 45 issues.

Raisin Weekend 2014 was reinstated after David Cameron changed the wording on all referendum documents to read "Citizens of St. Andrews, would you like 8,000 university twats to destroy your town for 24 hours?". Since nobody who voted "YES" can read, the motion carried and the drunken disassembly of the town resumed. Alex Salmond blamed everyone who isn't him.

The May Dip

Every year at dawn on first of May hundreds of pissed up students make their way to the East Sands to watch the few people hardy enough to swim in the freezing waters of the North Sea. After the dip, a cock measuring contest is held, the winner is the man whose cock most resembles a purple button mushroom.

Students engage in the event to absolve themselves of sin caused by stepping on Patrick Hamilton. Hamilton "tripped" into a bonfire near the University quad in 1528. For some reason his body was never removed and students continue to step on him.