Spoof news stories from Wednesday 22 April 2009

The great English union leader Arthur (The Scar) Gill once said: "Red or Blue, we all have pub talk under our skin.
"Say what you like about politics, but religion and politics remain some of the few things around that can disunite people all over...

LOS ANGELES - Lindsay Lohan, who until recently was one half of one of the most publicized couples in LaLaLand, has told her manager that she will not eat until her ex-"Boyfriend" Samantha Ronson takes her back.
Lohan's manager Biff Orbenzender sa...

In a surprise move, the Football Association has taken the unprecedented move of awarding Manchester United the Premiership title even with a number of matches still to go in the football season.
Following the United win against Portsmouth, the ne...

Following the announcement by Chancellor of the Exchequer Alistair Darling, that UK debt levels would need to see increased borrowing levels up to £170 Billion in 2010, Scotland has been sold to China.
In a desperate attempt to raise funds, the en...

Championship football club Ipswich Town are rumoured to be targeting Keane as their next manager, following Jim Magilton leaving the club to "travel the world".
The idea that 3 piece piano rock combo Keane are thought capable of managing a footbal...

European football governing body UEFA have ordered an enquiry into the recent 4 - 4 draw between Liverpool and Arsenal.
It has emerged that two large bets were made during the half time interval predicting a 4 - 4 draw.
Michel Platini the UEFA pr...

After Ipswich Town had sacked their Irish manager Jim Magilton earlier today, the future of ex-Sunderland boss, Roy Keane, began to look a little clearer tonight, when it emerged that the Irishman had travelled to the area for an interview.
Keane...

Popular musician Jacob "The Bongo" Zuma has won the South African X Factor competition following a massive vote throughout the country yesterday.
The level of turnout for the voting was significantly higher than expected, in part because of the qu...

Conservative leader David Cameron went on a rampage today, declaring the budget announced by Chancellor of the Exchequer Alistair "Hold me" Darling as "Madness".
The budget itself certainly had some surprises, with the UK borrowing levels reaching...

In today's budget, the Chancellor of the Exchequer, Alistair Darling has introduced a scheme which is already popular in Germany and Spain called 'Scrappage'. The scheme will run until March 2010 - a one-year window, if you like. It is intended to bo...

London - (Apocalyptic Mess): Just as the St George's Day news broke that lardass northern wannabe Susan Boyle is the bloodchild of Queen Elizabeth II and the Omagh Bomber newly appointed UK anti-terror supremo John Yates stormed the Buckingham Palace...

New Scottish singing sensation, Susan Boyle, who stunned viewers and judges alike when she performed the beautiful I Dreamed A Dream on Britain's Got Talent recently, has said she is to give up her fledgling crooning career, after she was offered a j...

NEW YORK, NY - Ann Coulter revealed to Oprah Winfrey today that, upon seeing Susan Boyle's performance, she had been "moved to orgasm." It was reportedly her first.
Just before lunch time, producers of Oprah Winfrey's show received a call from so...

Susan Boyle, 47 the greatest singing sensation of the Milky Way - since Trog the Martian Baritone graced our screens; is delighted that a demo tape she sent to Simon Dowell ten years ago alongside a large 'poster-sized' photo of her face, is now wor...

Washington D.C. - A just released national presidential preference poll of Republican voters has surprised politicians and pundits alike. The poll clearly demonstrates that conservative voters are unhappy with mainstream political candidates and are...

BUCKINGHAM PALACE -- Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II is suffering from anus horibilis, according to a Palace source, and has been told by her personal physician that she has got to stop wearing a thong.
Eddie Izzard gave a thong with Gunners on the...

Old friends of Lindsay Lohan say the lady's headed for disaster as she seems to be living life on the edge but on the edge of Nowhere.
"It's almost like a replay of the Britney thing", stated one sympathetic to her condition. "No one really knows...

The UK domestic budget described its concerns at the size of the chancellor casting a shadow over the economy.
Public debt has risen to seventeen and a half thousand chancellors for every man woman and child in the UK.
"This accumulation of e...

LeAnn Rimes' new book, "What I Cannot Change, I Consult Grertzzg" offers her take on the serenity prayer. And these days, she's practicing what she's been preaching.
"Give me the sense of a Hijonk, the courage of a Silent Blotnik and the calmness...

Robert Pattinson shared a story with me, recalling that he once took an obsessed female fan out for dinner. However, the fan got bored of his personality and took him for an unforgettable spin.
Robert was in Europe filming his soon-to-be-released...

As Chancellor Alistair Darling was commending his "Carbon Budget" to the House and busily trying to explain away the Giant tax increases on the horizon, opposition MP's pelted him with shoes whilst shouting "Go back to Scotland you Jock tosser".
I...

In his annual budget speech, the Chancellor of the Exchequer, Alastair Darling has announced that spoof stories will now be subject to a 25% levy. In a desperate bid to kickstart the economy, the Minister has spotted an excellent source of revenue.

President Obama has left the world reaching for inhalers and shotguns as he reveals he has sold all but one US state to Iraq.
The pre-recorded footage was shot while Obama was in the UK for the G20 conference.
In a back room of 10 Downing Str...

New American reality TV programme 'Big Brother's Little President' ended today, and viewers had been gripped by the real-life drama. In the show, the five living US Presidents were put into a sealed house, and then each week viewers voted out whichev...

Armando Iannucci's new film In The Loop is being billed as Britain's best comedy for years and is getting five star reviews. However, the story is causing eyebrows to be raised as events it portrays all seem very familiar to anyone who knows about Br...

Susan Boyle 47, is now officially bigger than the Beatles, Jesus and Elvis put together and has also sparked a crazed phenomenon of people on that internet shopping website flogging her 'Sounds of West Lothian' CD for 'BIG MONEY'.
The CD origina...

Fossils found in China may give a clue to the origins of tyrannosaurus rex. Uncovered near the city of Xhichaigo, the fossils come from a new form of tyrannosaurus, dubbed the hzillarao qlintovirus.
The remains are similar to the earlier finds of...

Jack Duckworth, who is still grieving the loss of his wife Vera since her death early last year, has announced he is expecting a child. He is refusing to name the father, but has confirmed that it is 'someone who lives close by'.
It was all somet...

WEST LOTHIAN, UK - Susan Boyle, the breakout YouTube sensation who stunned the world with her moving performance of "I Dreamed a Dream," has been arrested for public exposure and reckless driving following an incident in West Lothian yesterday aftern...

Senior members of the Bush administration who approved the use of waterboarding and other harsh interrogation measures could face torture themselves, Barack Obama said yesterday, in a surprise about-turn by the president.
"For those who carried ou...

Geneva, Switzerland - the world's top celebrity journalists have reported that because of the lack of war, celebrity death or scandal, there is little to write about. Conspiracy theorists are also strangely quiet.
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Toy manufacturers Mathell today brought out its new Barack Obama doll.
'Have hours of fun with the Obama! Pull a string and hear it say 'Yes we can!' to any questions you ask it. Press a button and watch its skin change from black to white in a second, and then back again! Laugh as you make believe the plastic dummy is alive, and is a President that says and does things that matter!'
Accesso...

Ricky Hatton has slammed his rival Manny Pacquiao ahead of their light-welterweight boxing super-fight in Las Vegas on 2 May, claiming that the Filipino has too many vowels in his name.
Ricky Hatton has labelled Manny Pacquiao 'a grammatical night...

Bordeaux, France - Literary interpreters are extremely excited about the discovery of three new Nostradamus quatrains that predict the fall of the banks, the central London protestors and unemployment out of control, as set out below, with translatio...

WASHINGTON, D.C. - President Barack Obama has just confirmed that "Britains Got Talent" participants Susan Boyle and Shaheen Jafargholi will be visiting The White House in a few weeks.
The president said that the deal was worked out by the Secreta...

PHOENIX - John and Cindy McCain's little girl, Meghan McCain, 24, is quickly establishing herself as one of the strongest frontrunning future leaders of the Republican Party.
The stunning blonde has recently shown time after time that she is not t...

Once again Liverpool is a city in mourning as all of Liverpool Football club's back four have gone missing.
The players failed to turn up for the match against Chelsea last week but were expected to return to Anfield in last night's fixture with A...

CALCUTTA, India: Prisoners in Calcutta's main prison Eden Garden went on a long food-water strike in an effort to force authorities to allow them to watch cricket on TV. Nearly 50,000 of the jail's 100,000 prisoners skipped lunch and dinner Sunday,...

There was further embarrassment for the Metropolitan Police force today as another G20 protestor claimed to have been a victim of police abuse.
Fanny Munher, who couldn't actually remember why she was protesting, said that a police constable clear...

Stephen Hawking has been speaking today about how doctors at Addenbrookes Hospital in Cambridge managed to save his life by rushing to B&Q to buy WD40.
Professor Hawking was admitted at the weekend suffering from what is thought to be a form o...

Before offering the opening prayer at Barack Obama's Inauguration, Rev Rick warren had worked tirelessly to deny gay couples the right to marry. As the Easter season has ushered in more states supporting gay marriage and Christian bigotry is being sh...

Traditional American Roman Catholics have been protesting the invitation of the President of the US of A to become the bellringer at Notre Dame Cathedral. Chairman of Life is Sacred for the First Few Hours( LSFFH ), Oliver Twisted explained why the...

Scientists, doctors, psychologists and marriage counselors in states that have legalized gay marriage are reporting the sudden breakdown of straight unions.
Harvey Babebanger of Iowa told jizum, an online dating service for faithful husbands that...

Barack Obama has bowed in Saudi, genuflected at the Vatican and bent over for Venezuela's Chavez. He's even learned to pronounce Ahmadinehjad in his efforts to erase the Bush- Cheney nightmare. None of these steps can compare to the granting of an ac...

Madonna flew back from Malawi where she has abandoned the idea of adopting children due to the legal red tape. "I got my idea from the Magic Chrisitan movie, where Peter Sellers adopts Ringo Starr".
In a conversation with her press agent the supe...

Washington, D.C.-American motorists awoke this morning to a new reality. Overnight, barricades have begun appearing on highways and byways across the nation, eliminating all right, Far right and even right hand shoulder lanes. The Department of Trans...

Actress Mia Farrow, a U.N. Goodwill Ambassador, announced on Tuesday that she will begin a hunger strike next week to show that her former significant other, Woody Allen, should be stoned to death near his apartment on the grounds of Central Park.