About jerklord

I keep a dream log on my phone. It helps me remember my dreams. I’m not sure this is a good plan.

—–dream log—–

Woke up to find a patch of grass growing on my leg here my dog had rested on me. Panic slightly. Look under the sink for Lysol to disinfect leg. Friend hands me some, we start cleaning my leg. The cleaner comes out as foam, I look and discover it is hair mousse. That isn’t going to work.

Waiting at the bus stop on a floating Nore island. I have a mix of change and small ceramic items, plus some fake Egyptian coins. Most everyone is an asshole. Piano boat floats by. The tap water is carbonated.

Listening to a really good song from the 50s, the lyrics are about measuring. Box top glued to my hand, I spend the song alternately singing along and scraping the glue off. Song had a video featuring Fry Boy at the end.

Mad at Ozzy because he ate all the cheesecake.

Small town where there are only older adults. Living in an old house with telephone rooms. It had a pool in the living room sometimes. There was going to be rain. Town meeting about the flooding. I had a plan. Town teenagers come over to be bitches and invite me to prom. One girl insults my friend, Flaggy, and I beat her up. No longer invited. I just want to go to CVS for some Chapstick.

Fisher Stevens. Never forget.

Trail mix that consists of freeze dried holiday pie slices.

Bought Ashley a bunch of birthday presents, including a belt with a full sized glittery mannequin attached. We discussed how one is supposed to keep leather purses in the fridge, but that is inconvenient because we like food to go there.

I am continuously lost in Pat Benatar school.

Guy going to kidnap me at the support market and make me live on a tiny boat with my name on it. Run/slide out of there. Running through the parking lot, I feed my tracking device to some tiny dogs floating around in balloons.

Man in another direction stuffed in a too small vw bug as art. He slowly moves. Is a killer but can’t move fast enough to get you, but his eyes, you can tell he sees you.

Animal planet my pet Bochy contest.

On a trip to Alabama. Ketchup menu board. Worried that people would eat the ketchup so you could no longer read the menu. Holiday where everyone wears creepy/funny hats.

Rhianna’s new song, Hold me close and I will touch your penis.

David explaining computer ports to me, “… that’s the rainbow chort and those are the oxidizers…”

I stopped eating meat a few years ago. I didn’t really like meat THAT much. And I absolutely cannot stand when you get a questionable piece of meat that bounces back. So I stopped and haven’t missed meat at all. But that said. I REALLY, REALLY REALLY HATE CUCUMBERS AND SPROUTS. Especially sprouts. I hate when I go to a restaurant with only one vegetarian item and that item is a sprout sandwich with extra sprouts on a sprout bun. No. Stop it. Just because I’m a vegetarian doesn’t mean I want food that tastes like ass.

Anyhow, here is a recipe for veggie “meat” gravy. To be served over rice, potatoes, veggies, or if you’re really hard up, some toast. I believe the traditional name for this dish is Shit on a Shingle.

Vegetarian “Beef” Gravy

Half an onion, chopped. I used a red one.

Container of sliced mushrooms.

2 cups hot water

1 teaspoon Better Than Bouillon (the vegetable one, silly)

1/2 teaspoon Marmite (or just use more bouillon)

1 Tablespoon Lipton Onion Soup mix (this stuff is LIFE)

2 Tablespoons flour

2 Tablesoons butter

Some fake meat of your choice. I like Morning Star Grillers Prime Burgers, chopped and fried for a bit in some oil to brown them. You can leave this out and just dump this gravy over mash potatoes if you want.

Chopped green onions, for garnish.

Mix the hot water, Better than Bouillon, Marmite, and onion soup mix in a bowl. Let it sit while you make the rest. Saute the onions and mushrooms in some olive oil in a wide saucepan. I make sure to brown the mushrooms a bit as this will add more flavor. You have to make up for the lack of meat, guys. But don’t burn them as that would be sad. Once these are cooked, push them to the side of the pan.

Turn the heat to low-ish. Add the butter, once melted whisk in the flour. Cook this for a couple of minutes so the flour doesn’t taste raw. Stir it all up. Slowly whisk in the water/bouillon/onion soup mixture. Bring to a boil, then turn the heat back to low. Add in whatever fake meat you’re using. You can also add some chopped herbs at this point if you’re trying to impress your friends. Simmer, covered for about five minutes or until thickened.

Side rant about veggie burgers at restaurants: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD PLEASE FRY VEGGIE BURGERS. SEASON THEM LIKE YOU WOULD MEAT. STOP MICROWAVING THEM. Thank you.

Side note to people that have more time than I: You can also just use two cups of vegetable stock that you spent all day making yourself. Invite me over if you do this. But leave in the Marmite, it adds a nice almost meat flavor.

This movie is titled Gingerdead Man. GingerDEAD Man. Let that sink in. I just discovered there is a sequel titled, Gingerdead Man Vs. Evil Bong. I am not watching that one. I’m not watching the one called The Passion of the Crust either.

Anyhow, Gary Busey plays the evil Millard Findlemeyer. He shoots some people in a cafe for no real reason. As one does.

He is later executed for his crimes; his ashes sent to his mother. One of his victims in the cafe, that didn’t die, works in a bakery. Bakerygirl is briefly annoyed over the lack of gingerbread seasoning, when there is a knock on the back door. Oh wonderful! Some completely random not creepy at all stranger in a cloak has dropped off some much needed gingerbread seasoning.

Totally NOT Gary Busey’s ashes okay.

Bakerygirl doesn’t even think twice about using the mysterious seasoning. It isn’t anthrax or Gary Busey’s ashes, no. This leads me to conclude:

THIS BAKERY NEEDS TO BE SHUT DOWN BY THE HEALTH DEPARTMENT.

You don’t decorate a gingerbread man BEFORE baking!

Not only do they use the random seasoning, her bakery helper Wrestlingboy, bleeds into the dough. No one seems to notice or care. There are visible streaks of blood in the dough, but Bakerygirl continues to make the most terrible looking gingerbread man in existence. She decorates the cookie BEFORE baking. I think they deserve what is coming to them.

The making of Gingerdead Man is my favorite part of the movie. Everything else is filler. There is also a scene where another bakery worker has frosting boobs that is somewhat notable.

Mother of god help us.

This movie is not good.

Sprinkles!

Gingerdead Man is defeated when Wrestlingboy eats his head. I would have spit him out, seeing as how he is a freakishly gross looking, somehow alive cookie. But Wrestlingboy follows through and actually swallows the head. You have to admire his commitment. For SOME reason he doesn’t feel well after that.

Wait, he was raspberry flavored? That is just wrong.

Big surprise, the Gingerdead head causes Wrestlingboy to turn evil. His friends completely forget that he was ever a human. They shoot him several times with their magic never-run-out-of-bullets gun then shove him in the oven. I think he explodes.

Cut to the future, everything is great! Wait, some old woman left some cookies for the bake sale.

So long as it only kills when it is scared, I see no problem with this.

One of my main issues with this film is that it is poorly named. “It’s Alive!” implies that something not alive previously is now currently living. Or something you wouldn’t expect to be alive, such as a car or trash can, has turned into a living monster. But this commercial for the film has alleviated my concerns, with the tagline, “You see, there is only one thing wrong with the Davies baby. It’s Alive.”

Still. I think Fang Baby would have been a better title.

There are some really questionable wallpaper and clothing choices (I think the bright colors from the 60s dulled peoples eyes a bit, which led to the brown, puke, and orange color palette of the 70s). But in general, the acting isn’t terrible. Keep a lookout for the father’s strange and slightly disturbing impression of Walter Brennan. I only knew it was Walter Brennan because the closed captioning told me so. For a second I just thought he was demented.

The most WTF moment in the movie comes early on, as the father is sitting in the waiting room with several other fathers. Actual dialog from the film:

Crazy Father 1: You got something to stir the coffee with?

Crazy Father 2: (Hands him a pencil) Use that. I’ve been using it for the past three hours. After a while, you get used to the taste of lead in your coffee.

Crazy Environmentalist Father 3: There’s an overabundance of lead in all the things we eat nowadays.

Then Father 1 goes on to stir his coffee with a pencil like it is no big deal, the one that Father 2 just said he had been using as a coffee stirrer for the past 3 hours. No one acknowledges that this is a completely insane thing to do. Here stranger! Take this dirty, slimy pencil and wiggle it around in the liquid you’re about to consume! Oh no problem! I’m glad I could help!

Then everyone acts as though the environmentalist father is the wacko for mentioning that lead is harmful. Never mind that pencils don’t actually contain lead. Whatever.

The environmentalist actually sets up the main premise of the film, that chemicals, medications, and pencil lead cause health issues in humans. Pencil stirrer father mentions that he is an exterminator. He explains that they just managed to make super cockroaches invulnerable to modern pesticides. But that is another movie.

Jump to the glorious Fang Baby being born. I was disappointed that he didn’t jump out and wave to the camera (like the lizard baby from V). But instead we get to see some nice birthing carnage. Birthing carnage is always welcome.

Minor issue during delivery, no problem.

Fang Baby escapes, of course, and there is some confusion around whether he will survive and whether he is animal or human.

This seemed to be a sore point, so no one had the heart to tell Fang Baby Father that humans are animals.

About 90% of the film is just a search for Fang Baby. People, police, etc. just walking around looking under trash. YOU IN HERE FANG BABY? Okay, no. With some random people being unlucky and scaring Fang Baby into eating them.

Fang Baby, is that you?? No.

Fang Baby doesn’t want to eat humans. He isn’t a cannibal! He is just misunderstood. He wants some god damned milk. Get Fang Baby some god damned milk, already!

Empty milk bottles are a sure sign your house is infested with fang babies.

Fang Baby thinks he has struck gold when he wanders (slithers? We never get to see) into a milk truck. Clueless milkman gets in the way of Fang Baby’s LUST FOR MILK. So he must die. There was no other option.

Adequate milk storage?

The Fang Baby needs milk idea is reinforced by the double refrigerator scene. Was it normal in the 70s for a family of three (four if you count Fang Baby) to have two large brown refrigerators? I mean, they did have a cat too, but still. That seems excessive. When Fang Baby Father notices that the once fully-stocked fridges are now empty, he instantly knows Fang Baby is lurking nearby. Again, I’m disappointed that we never get to see Fang Baby drinking milk or eating frozen steaks. I really wanted this in my life.

Here, catch!

In fact, we really don’t get to see much of Fang Baby at all. Even when his father decides the best way to save poor Fang Baby (his cries were enough to make his father love him) is to chuck him at the police. I’m serious, he literally threw Fang Baby at someone. That person died. I won’t spoil the dramatic ending for you. But, well, they might have shot Fang Baby a couple thousand times. Might have. But no problem, we are informed by the head detective that a Fang Baby has just been born in Seattle. Hooray! The End.

Fang Baby loves you.

Rating: A+ for pencil stirrers, B- for Walter Brennan impressions, and D- for the lack of Fang Baby, our star and leader.

Fang Baby had so much potential. If only he had been given more screen time.

Friend has huge feather in her hair. At party. Smurf was there. Riding recumbent bike. What street to take? This is a musical.

Big downhill slide to get to downhill tram.

Tell Sandra Bullock that she is a real asshole.

Really steep staircase made of couch cushions. Almost fall off and die. Not great design.

Try to walk outside bbq restaurant food court, leads to long pitch black slide tube then opens to a neighborhood with a ball pit in the middle. Mad that most of the ball pit is fake. Only the part you initially land on is real. We realize we’re trapped, try to escape. Giant remote controlled sports car. It’s green.

Featherless turkeys everywhere. I run at them screaming to escape. I just want to eat my cheesecake.

Conan O’Brien performing his new song, “killing it on the dance floor.” It is about Warcraft.

Rather large bee rises from the dead. It is the size of a mouse.

Ordering full volume of Lifetime Television picture books, starting with Unauthorized Melrose Place.

Haunted toilet.

Evidence bottle not marked. Give to Perry Mason, who immediately wheels into a huge pit to protect it. He dies.

I have a small hat. You can’t see it. It is a hat on a molecular level.

I keep this log in the hope that I may make sense of all this at a later date.

“In college, on way to wedding design class, French – British war about to break out. Bringing two friends to class to hide from war. Stop at on campus motel 6 to pick up one friends bag. There is a raccoon in the room. Friend and managers do to get bag/catch raccoon. Friend calls raccoon her niece. Tell them to hurry, class starts in a second.

Dozers were evil-stupid and were going to kill someone over onion rings and a painting. I stole the painting so she wouldn’t die.

Giant bag of coffee from Costco was spilling all over the office. Trying to get it into bags to save it.

Johnny Depp is the evil overlord to the world and keeps messing with my reality in order to prove his powers. I go to Tom Hanks for help but he tricks me and is in league with evil Depp. Fucking tiny round glasses.

There is a waffle on his cheese house.

Creepy red headed dolls stacked in the shower, smiling at me. When I look away, one will always fall down. Shove them into the shower and slam the door.

Ripping the wings of dragon costume.

Pool in the middle of the god dammed road. Where it looks like an Aztec temple. Gah, pool is under construction. I am shocked by exposed wires. Ow.