Posts Tagged ‘Trust’

Broadly pain comes in two types- physical pain and emotional pain. Both types of pain are tough to deal with. However, the emotional pain is often the one most tough to cope with, because the emotional pain hurts from inside and is much more difficult to overcome. The physical pain can at times be excruciating too and equally difficult to cope with. The challenge of emotional pain is that it provokes questions like why me? What if? Will it change my life for the worse? Can I ever cope with it? that makes it hard for an individual to find satisfactory answers to. The result is that emotional pain triggers in us a negative attitude to people, lose confidence in ourselves and a ‘poor me’ syndrome overwhelms us.

Emotional pain is non physical pain. This means that the pain is felt in the head and heart. Death of a loved is the most common emotional pain but since death is a reality everyone has to deal with, most people can get over this pain over time. Of course there are exceptions like the sudden death of young person or the sudden death of a dear pet. However, emotional pain felt when a marriage breaks down or when one gets an unexpected pink slip or one is made aware of a serious ailment is much more difficult to handle. The most common response to emotional pain are as under:

Trusting less: Emotional pain, especially if it is the result of a disconnect with another person be it a lover/ spouse or employer would seriously affect the aggrieved party/ parties and would often result in them at least temporarily losing their confidence in other people. This means that going forward, it takes them time to let go of the past, are always wary of people around especially new people and would never make a commitment to a relationship personal/ professional without being circumspect about the future.

Thinking more: Emotional pain always magnifies the problem in the eyes of the aggrieved person. It also makes a person think of various worse case scenarios, make them interject varied negative possibilities to a possible solution and largely make them feel victimized. The over thinking limits their vision to see effective alternative solutions. It also adds to their mental turmoil and consequently it impacts their personal, social and professional life.

Becoming a recluse: People who are emotionally pained tend to become recluse. They shun social contact, prefer their own solitude and face psychological trauma. They find it hard to connect with people for they trust less, think more and believe that no one can help them. They wallow in self pity, have delusions/ fears of a second wave of trauma and adapt to solitude for company. Unfortunately that also means they have lesser chances of picking themselves out of their emotional rut.

Pain changes people. Life becomes harder; living even tougher and at times dying seems like a perfect escape.

Be aware of the dangers of letting emotional pain overwhelm us and make us irrational. As long as there is life there is hope. Listen to both your inner reason and to the advice of well meaning friends. Learn to trust your instincts as well as the voice of love and reason of your loved ones who would do all within their power to help you overcome your trauma. Do not cut yourself from the world around; remember man is a social animal and your best chance to be emotionally stable would be by interacting with others. After all sharing joy doubles it and sharing grief halves it.

Try these:

List out 3 painful moments of your life. How did you react to each of these moments? Do you still feel that pain even today or has time helped you overcome the pain?

So which of the following emotional baggage are you still carrying with you

Having a breakup

Having a dear one insult/ hurt you

Hearing a rude/ disrespectful / sarcastic comment about yourself

Being let down / cheated by a dear friend / colleague

Being forced to sacrifice your ethics in order to succeed

How did the above effect you. What have you done to regain your confidence after facing the above?

This pearl of wisdom is first meant for parents, especially those parents who have already chalked out the course their children should traverse. It would also boost the confidence of youngsters who are yearning to follow their dreams/ passions which are far removed from those expectations others have from them.

It is essential to acknowledge that each person is an individual who would have his/ her parents DNA but thereafter grows up to be an independent thinker and would have to walk a self chalked out path all on his/her own. Most parents believe that having their DNA gives them a right to mould and control a child to meet their pre determined standards and fulfill their ideal desires. Other well meaning friends, family members and elders would also similarly express themselves in an overbearing manner with good intent but with precious little appreciation for the individuality of those they are addressing.

Elders in general, including teachers, grandparents, uncles and aunts and parents in particular usurp the right to profusely spiel out advice believing that their age and experience give them an upper hand in dealing with the challenges of life. While their age and experience do have immense value, what they fail to appreciate in others is that the others particularly the youngsters have matured a lot faster, are exposed to a more compact world where information flows easily and they also believe they have the right to be heard loud and clear. This clash of values, expectations, hopes and ambitions is a major cause of discord within families particularly parents and children.

Here are 3 suggestions for elders and 3 for youngsters reading this, to ensure that they appreciate this post better

Elders

Just guide them don’t goad them

Respect the individuality of others no matter what they age or gender

Acknowledge the efforts and if you find merit encourage them

Youngsters

Respect everyone and then earn the respect of others – disagree without being disagreeable

Share your ideas/ thoughts with elders who would be more open to your sharing

Be committed to your goals. This means writing it down and working towards achieving it.

Try this:

Visit www.johngoddard.info and find the various goals that he set for himself and how he achieved most of it. What if his elders dissuaded him? What if he did not commit himself to it?

Elders think of your parents expectations from you and your siblings. How far did they fulfill it. Now examine the growth of the 3 best students ( your classmates) in school/ college and the three so called failures in school/ college. How have they fared? Did they do something extraordinary or did some of them fail your expectations?

Youngsters don’t just have plans. Write down your plans and put it down as SMART goals. If you do not know what are smart goals, you first task is to take the effort to find out what it is. Next learn to challenge yourself. To do this write down the following first

– The animal / creature/ reptile that is found in your vicinity that you fear the most

– The activity or task that you fear /dislike the most

– The situation or occasions that you dislike immensely

– The food or cuisine that you simply don’t want to eat

– The one addiction or habit that you cannot do away with

You have to confront either all or at least 2 of the above till you reduce your aversion / kick the habit by at least 50% Self discipline is the key and overcoming your fears is the learning that is crucial for you to chart your won course.

When interacting with people, some people give you an immediate connect and you can actually feel their vibrancy, positivity and joy touching you in many ways and elating you. Unfortunately there are also many others who you would keep at arms distance, if not completely avoid given half a chance, simply because they are constantly grumbling, telling their woes, keep blaming others and exude bad vibes, spread demoralizing thoughts and drain us of our enthusiasm. If you were to spent a little time and understand the background, the daily routine and psychology of both sets of people you might make a startling discovery that in almost all cases the people are just like us, share the same sets of troubles, pleasures, hope, fears perhaps in varying degrees but it is their response to the situation that is the key difference that makes them likeable or disagreeable.

Now turn the mirror to yourself and ask honestly how others perceive you. Do I have many friends? Are my neighbors and colleagues happy to see me? Do I feel welcome when joining a group? Closer home, other than your pet dog are the rest of the family members thrilled to have me around? Do people freely interact with me, trust me, share their thoughts, concerns, hopes etc and seek my counsel or views? If you can honestly say yes to all the above, then you are one of the fortunate few who has mastered the art of embracing life with a song on your lips and hope in your heart. On the other hand if you are one who cannot spontaneously say yes to the above questions, there is no need to feel despondent for by and large you share your misery with a large number of people. Though it is said misery loves company, as an individual each of us would love to live life happily minus that miserable company.

The best way to cope with life is as under:

First accept the reality that there is a yin and yang that together forms life. While everyone wishes to embrace the good things life has to offer, when there is difficulty, pain, fear, frustration and the like, the inevitable reaction is to wonder why me. The quicker we learn to appreciate the quirks of life the easier it would be to welcome each new day with a happy heart.

The next is to cope with the yin with equanimity and the yang with alacrity. Having accepted the reality of the yin and yang of life, the challenge is how does one deal with them. In fact, in managing our response to the extremes that life throws up we would realize the inevitable truth that neither happiness nor sorrows last forever (although the latter might seem to be never ending). Therefore when things are going one’s way, when life is kind to us and when we are euphoric we must soak in those moments but never let them overexcite us. At the same time when faced with challenges, problems and troubles we must not be overwhelmed by them but be hopeful that this too shall pass.

Third is to attempt a balance between the two. This is a tricky step for while we cannot actually change the reality we can telescope our joys and miniaturize our troubles by some deft psychological ploys. Learn to savor every triumph, relish every joy and spread joy and sub consciously lengthen the ecstasy, deepen the thrill and enrichen our life. Similarly when fate deals us a poor hand, when the shadows seem to be lengthening and joy looks elusive look out for the light at the end of the proverbial tunnel. The change in fortunes seems just a step away, the gloom will seem to be disappearing and the hard knocks of life will be less bruising and painful. The balance you have maintained is in keeping a pragmatic proportion between the long periods of ecstasy and the brief unavoidable reality of despair.

Finally embrace each moment as the best moment for it shall never come again. The first three rules are to be practiced diligently and allowed to gently be ingrained subconsciously. That is the point of inflection when you will actually begin to embrace life warts and all. From then on you will look eagerly for the break of dawn, appreciate the joys of everyday life, value the joys of relationships, find surprises in the chirping of the birds and the blooming of the flowers and there will be a spring in every step you take. Hurdles that would invariably appear most unexpectedly would not frighten you nor would they then seem insurmountable and you would find the will, the means and the way to side step every hurdle. You will then kiss each moment for it will never give you another chance again.

The secret to coping with the surprises, shocks, joys and jolts of life is in accepting reality of constant change, maintaining harmony no matter what the challenge or surprise and making best use of the gift of life by living it and not merely surviving it.

Try this:

For a week try to live life by making the following adjustment each day. This will give you a better appreciation of how those who have to live with the limitation have adjusted to their permanent problem and yet live their life to the full.

Day 1 – Do not use your regularly used hand ( if your right handed do not use the right hand for the whole day)

Day 2 – Tie a splint around any one of your knees so that you cannot bend your knees. Now go about your daily chores with this handicap.

While platitudes sound very nice they are often very idealistic and thereby pose a practical difficulty in putting it in practice. Common sense would often gives us the power to discern and be pragmatic but we are prone to give in to our emotional self and thereby go overboard in sharing what we have with others. Today’s tips are guidelines to being better people, involved individuals and model citizens without feeling guilty or feeling victimized.

Givebut don’t allow yourself to be used is the mantra that allows us to share all what we have in enough measure. Giving is not just about our worldly possessions or our money but involves sharing our time, our love and our talents with those around. So while we could be giving out alms, doling out for charity and helping others monetarily it should be done only after one has taken care of ones on domestic needs and responsibilities. Similarly one should not be so indulgent as to sacrifice all of one’s times and talents for others at the cost of neglecting those who are family, friends and colleagues.

Lovebut don’t let your heart to be abused merely focuses attention on the dangers of being blinded by our love be it for our own family members, our dearest possessions or our cravings. Many a wayward child has gone that way because of the indulgent love of their parents that prevented them from taking corrective action even if it was painful. Love is a complicated emotion that has a chamelenousque quality and can quickly change itself to lust, possessiveness, jealousy, obsession, hate to name a few. If any of the above emotions are noticed it is by and large a sure sign that the heart has been abused.

Trustbut don’t be naïve is a warning that trust can be betrayed and that there is no point in feeling cheated. Con men for example operate on the theory that there are enough gullible people whose trust can be easily won over and abused. On the other hand one cannot go about suspecting everyone and thereby create an environment of distrust and suspicion. To find the balance one has to trust in another without having blind faith and be clear and decisive about when you would not allow trust to be the only measure of a healthy relationship.

Listento others but don’t lose your own voice is a clarion call to have an independent thought process that can be articulated without fear or favor. By listening one keeps an open mind, learns to appreciate differing points of view and keeps one’s emotions in check no matter what the provocation. After all is said and done, the individuality in you should find its voice in the manner and way you demonstrate your independent thoughts, words and deeds.

Try this:

Find a way to GIVE of your time to raise funds and donate that to a charity of your choice.

List out 3 of your possessions that you LOVE very much. Now name 3 people known to you who would value any of those possessions if you gave it freely to them.

Name 3 characteristics of a person that would make you wary of them and notTRUST them. Amongst the people you interact can you think of someone you do not trust at all. Does that person demonstrate any of the characteristics you have outlined earlier?

Think of a person whom you know well but whose views you largely disagree with and someone you hate to LISTEN to. How do you express your disagreement to that persons views? How do you convey your views to that person?

With the start of a new year, we can begin afresh, leaving behind both the troubles and the accolades of the past year behind. While the past will always be lurking in the deep recess of our minds, the future invariably gives us hope but is largely tempered by apprehensions born out of a wild imagination. The present then is squeezed between nostalgia and apprehension, your hopes and your despairs and your dreams and your nightmares. The only way out is to set yourself free; free of your own self imposed bondage.

Here is how you go about setting yourself free…

Find a purpose for yourself. Parental expectations during our formative years have a large bearing in how we visualize a future for ourselves. However, the individuality in you often feels stifled and throttled by having to toe a line drawn by others. However perilous a course we chart for ourselves, if we focus on our goal our journey would be more meaningful, more fulfilling and definitely more liberating.

Tip: Write an epitaph for yourself and you would have the purpose of your life outlined clearly.

Reward yourself. We often ourselves overburdened, stressed and running to stay ahead in pursuit of our goals. It is as if the world is examining us with a microscope and we need to do meet their expectations. The reality is you have to pace yourself not with the benchmarks set by others but in relation to our own abilities, potential and capabilities.. This invariably means that you have to reward yourself; be it by taking breaks, indulging in something off beat, taking your foot off the gas pedal or simply lounging around and clearing your mind.

Tip: The key is not how far you go but how much you have enjoyed the journey.

Explore beyond yourself. Time to change your routine. Give yourself a new makeup. If you have been following the beaten path, pause, think of the numerous possibilities that you have failed to explore. Have you wanted to try your hand at something off beat? Ever tried bungee jumping or rock climbing or scuba diving? Ever had the urge to learn a musical instrument or act in a play? Did you always have a social service streak that you never dared to try so far?

Tip: There is nothing stopping you except your inhibitions and possibly your inertia.

Excuse yourself.

Notice that at every stage you are doing what you have planned for yourself, without being weighed down by the expectations, the hopes, the plans and the aspirations others have for you. It is possible that in the process you would have stumbled, bruised yourself, suffered criticism, wondered if you made a mistake and worse of all get the sinking feeling that you should not have dared to move out of your comfort zone. Learn to excuse yourself no matter what the consequence of your personal, calculated and deliberate actions.

Tip : Since you chose to follow your heart and mind you should allow your heart and mind to be free of any guilt.

It is your life – set it free – find the YOU within YOUrself.

Try this:

List out 5 of your apprehensions/ fears. Now for each of them work out a way to actually confront your fear. E.g. You fear lizards. Now find a reptile zoo that you can visit to actually confront that fear. Don’t do it because it is suggested here but because you want to overcome those fears.

List out 5 of your greatest desires or wishes. Now for each of them work out a way to actually realize them. E.g. You want to go on a cruise. Now read up on all the cruises. Select one that seems to catch your imagination. Slowly but deliberately start working on the finances, the dates, the preparations etc. for it. Before you realize it you would be packing your bags to realize your dreams.

As this year comes to an END each of us would have a number of thoughts; many pleasant and quite few pensive ones. When things have gone as per plan or we have been fortunate to be given some unexpected surprises in personal, professional and social life we look back with an elated feeling and perhaps a word of thanks for our lucky breaks. However it is the thoughts of pain, failure, death, surrender and regret that tend to linger longer and sadden us immensely. What hurts most is the realization that you have tried your best to mend a relationship or do a diligent job or for being provoked into saying or doing something that you regret later. You get that sinking feeling that all your efforts are in vain and that in the final analysis, the year has ended in failure. That is when you must see the END differently as Effort Never Dies.

Students in general and those studying for highly competitive examinations are particularly vulnerable to the ‘this is the END ‘ syndrome when despite their best efforts, they fail to fulfill their own expectations or fail to live up to their potential. Sometimes we are denied our desires by a quirk of fate which is perhaps nature’s way of saying a polite NO. This NO must be seen as Next Opportunity because then you are forced to explore alternatives that you could otherwise have never tried. Many of us would have found our true calling in the next best alternative.

If you look back at the New Year resolutions you made last December or early this year, it is possible that we have failed to stick to most of our resolutions. Does this mean that it is the END of those fine intents put down as resolutions? In fact what we invariably do is carry forward those resolutions give credence to the fact that the efforts of writing down the resolutions are not completely wasted. Similarly think of the number of times we were denied by our parents, friends, peers, colleagues, bosses or the system (rail bookings/ air bookings/ movie ticket bookings). Did all those NO’s derail your plans completely? You certainly didn’t let that happen. You took the Next Opportunity available to attain your objectives.

Life is actually a wonderful series of Next Opportunity grabbed and Efforts Never Dying provided we can interpret those NO’s and dead END’s correctly.

Try this:

Pick up any old Readers Digest and attempt the Word Power section. It is possible that many words seem new and you could be tempted to give up. If you can with grit and determination regularly do the word power, your efforts will enable you learn a number of new words and enhance your vocabulary.

Here is a little PPT presentation on basic mathematics. I can see most of you cringe on seeing the word mathematics. Now don’t say NO ! Go on try it… and don’t peek at the answers till you have actually attempted to solve it. Barring a couple almost all of them are relatively easy to solve. ..and what if you don’t solve them??? It is not the END of the world…and I promise you your efforts won’t be in vain. Smarter than a 5th grader

“Self-confidence gives you the freedom to make mistakes and cope with failure without feeling that your world has come to an end or that you are a worthless person.”

For many people finding their passion is relatively easier than having the confidence to trust their judgment about their passion. Similarly, barring a miniscule population, the vast majority of people are always very frustrated with their life, be it their personal life, their professional life or their social life. The common thread that binds both sets of people is the root cause of their disenchantment and disillusionment, which in a nutshell can be said to be lack of self confidence. Lack of self belief is often a byproduct of numerous unpleasant influences which could include negative childhood scripting, a not so outstanding academic performance, social pressures coupled with unreasonable parental expectations, unfair and odious comparisons with more talented siblings or peers, a poor self image etc. That apart, the pressures of the competitive world, the stress of coping with comparisons compelled by a consumerist society and personal weakness in attitude, behavior and actions add to the woes of an individual. Yet, it is never too late to regain your self confidence and enjoy the riches it brings in one’s life.

Here are four ways to cope with the problem of lack of self confidence.

Know that you are UNIQUE: It is essential to realize that even if you have an identical twin, YOU will always remain unique and special for no one can ever duplicate you in any way. This realization that you are an unique individual, should strengthen your belief that as an unique individual you have every opportunity and responsibility to leave your mark in this world. The simple proof is the uniqueness of your signature. Sign on a piece of paper and enjoy the power of your uniqueness reflected in that signature.

Identify your strengths and build up on them: Our biggest problem stems from the fact that we are constantly trying to outdo others rather than focusing on leveraging our abilities and our strengths which are unique to us. Some of us are physically strong while others are gifted with intellectual brilliance, while some others have strength of character and others endowed with moral and physical courage. Perhaps some have the ability to be self disciplined, while others are dogmatic and persistent while there could be others who are calm collected and unfazed even during the most trying times. Ask yourself what are those unique strengths that you posses and find ways and means to leverage that in your work and life. Self confidence will automatically embrace those who focus on their potential.

Make a fresh start everyday Everyone has good days and bad days. No one can perennially live of the good days and it is equally true that the bad days never have an extended run. Obviously then the best way to treat life with confidence is to relish those good days when they come and to quickly get over the bad days. In effect, be aware that each day is an opportunity to have a fresh start and a positive approach nurtures positive results which in turn reinforces self confidence.

Nurture self confidence. There are no self confidence pills that can boost ones confidence in a jiffy. Instead look at nurturing self confidence as a process of going a few steps forward each day and on a bad day perhaps we may slip a step or two behind. The focus must be on the progress made. Viola, before we know it we are confidently marching towards our goals, realizing our ambitions and adding to our self esteem with each milestone we cross.

Remember:“Once we believe in ourselves, we can risk curiosity, wonder, spontaneous delight, or any experience that reveals the human spirit.” E. E. Cummings

Try this:

Identify 3 of your greatest apprehensions / fears. Work out a plan to overcome this apprehension and actually confront it in the next 3 months. ( Here are some examples of fears/ apprehensions for you to get an idea of what you may have to confront. Fear of public speaking; fear of lizards/ snakes; attempting to bowl in a bowling alley; wearing flashy clothes; confronting an insolent subordinate/ desperately wanting a pet but fearful of your ability to manage it )

Attempt to do the following

Engage in arm wrestling with a friend/ colleague/ your sibling/ spouse/ children

Take two pieces of A4 size paper and with one of them make a paper boat and with the other an aeroplane. (Did you feel foolish when you did not know how to proceed because you had forgotten those kiddish activities?)

Borrow a bicycle and ride it for a kilometer or so at least. (Did the legs creak, were you able to balance easily, were you embarrassed that you tired very quickly and had to dismount, did you feel silly because others were watching?)