Why Can’t Men Refrain from Looking at Photos of Sexy Women and Fantasizing?

I read your article about why men look at other women and tried to get my head around it. I understand the whole cavemen instinct, but what I don’t understand is the adult choice to refrain or give in to temptation. I find it impossible to get my head around the concept that it is okay for men to be mentally unfaithful while in a loving relationship when it is so hurtful for women to do the same. I have asked my boyfriend of 3 and a half years: if I got off on another man while having sex with him would it bother him. I’ve also asked him whether looking at sexy photos of other men and fantasizing about those other men, would bother him and he said yes it would to both questions. I wonder why it bothers men when women do it but they feel quite justified to do it themselves with little or no conscience? Being devoted to a person is a choice. The level of that devotion is variable and sometimes unacceptable.

I am completely devoted to my boyfriend, but he occasionally looks at pictures of other women and of course I know that he gets off on those other women. Yet he proclaims to be 100% devoted to me and tells me often how much he loves me and holds me tight like he really does love me. When I know that he’s been looking at pictures of other women I just feel like I’ve been betrayed and his “love” is just a lie – how can he love me if he is being mentally unfaithful? When I know he’s been getting off on other women I feel like I’m not worth his interest, like I’m not good enough. There is no way in the world I can compete physically with those women in the pictures he gets off on. I am quite desperate to get my head around exactly what it is the drives a man to give into the same desires that I myself deliberately avoid for the sake of devotion. Why do men (generally) make the conscious choice NOT to focus on one woman??

There are times my libido is so high and my partner does not feel like being intimate. I do not turn to pictures of other sexier men and fantasize I’m having sex with them nor do I go out and find a man who will satisfy me. Every time men go ‘window shopping’ then look at their real-life partner – gee what an absolute letdown that must be. I can’t Photoshop myself to match what my partner looks at. I am not ugly, I have a reasonable body yet each time I know he’s been doing it, I do feel incredibly ugly and it is a massive blow to my self-esteem.If I let myself do what he occasionally does, I know damn well I will start wanting to be with other men and I will start thinking of other men when I’m having sex with my partner. So, to avoid that I choose not to look if I notice someone sexy when I’m out. I look away and I think of my boyfriend deliberately after, to bring my focus back in to the man I love.What is so hard about doing that? It’s simply comes down to a choice. From a man’s point of view, how unrealistic is it of me to expect the same level of fidelity and devotion?

Thank you,

Bel

Dear Bel,

I appreciate your long, thoughtful email outlining your feelings. Since it’s clear that you and I are working off two completely different definitions of infidelity, I hope you can appreciate my attempt to engage with your question. Unless I can bridge our gap, I’m afraid my reply will remain unsatisfying, since it challenges rather than validates your original assertion. Let’s start with a quote from you:

“I find it impossible to get my head around the concept that it is okay for men to be mentally unfaithful while in a loving relationship when it is so hurtful for women to do the same.”

There are two premises in here that I’d like to challenge:

a) That it is okay for men to look at women but hurtful for women to look at men.

Maybe that’s what your boyfriend thinks, but I’ve never said that, nor have I implied that. Thus, your question essentially asks me to defend something I don’t believe — that there should be double standards for men and women. There should not.

Last month, I went to the Father/Daughter dance at my daughter’s elementary school. I couldn’t help but to objectively observe that there were a LOT of REALLY cute, well-dressed men at the event. My wife — who was selling tickets up front — wholeheartedly agreed.

If she had brought the same thing up first, should I have been upset? I don’t think so. My wife has eyes. It was notable how many hot guys were in attendance. We have been happily married for 10 years and we were going home together. Why would I get bent out of shape at that?

Now, you may think this isn’t a very telling example, but it is.

In a healthy relationship with two secure adults, instances like this don’t register. When my wife tells me a story of sleeping with some guy in France in her 30’s, it doesn’t register. When she tells me she got hit on by a younger man at a bachelorette party, it doesn’t register. I know there have been other men in the past. I know there are other men who are more visually appealing (taller, younger, fitter, etc) wherever we go.

But I’m the guy she married. I already won.

So why would I spend any time driving myself crazy because my wife still finds other men attractive and is flattered when they find her attractive?

b) You call looking at someone else of the opposite sex “mentally unfaithful.”

Well, if that’s your working definition, it’s going to be next to impossible for me to convince you that looking at attractive people is both normal and benign.

It’s going to be next to impossible for me to convince you that looking at attractive people is both normal and benign.

It also seems you’ve conflated a lot of things, which have to all be dealt with separately. Here’s a short list of different forms of behaviors that may trigger you and my brief reaction to each:

Glancing at another person — no big deal

Staring at another person — crude and insensitive, but not cheating

Hitting on another person – never

Imagining another person else while having sex — no big deal

Getting off to the image of another person while having sex — no big deal

Looking at sexy photos of another person — no big deal

Masturbating at sexy videos of another person — no big deal, in moderation

Taking action to meet another person in real life – never

I know I’m not the final arbiter of such things, but since this is my blog and at the top of the page it says “Understand Men. Find Love,” I’m going to suggest that many men see things like I do.

And if you bristle because your definitions are different than mine, that’s okay; my fear is that you’re going to undermine a great relationship with your boyfriend if you don’t come a little closer to my way of thinking.

He DOES love you. He IS devoted to you. He is not running off with a Kardashian or a porn star or a cute girl at the grocery store.

All of your feelings around this, Bel, are just that: feelings. They’re not facts. Nor do they outweigh your boyfriend’s opinions. If anything, they indicate a highly fearful worldview that is not based on most men’s realities — we can look at EVERYTHING, and it still means NOTHING. That doesn’t mean he couldn’t be more subtle or respectful, but based on your tone, it sounds like any minor transgression is somehow an attack on you and your partnership.

In your opinion, your boyfriend looking at photos is a “betrayal,” which means he thinks his own girlfriend is “not good enough,” which makes his love for you a “lie.”

In reality, NONE of this is true.

So when you ask “Why do men (generally) make the conscious choice NOT to focus on one woman?” you are imputing some serious value judgment on men.

First of all, he IS focused on you. You’re his girlfriend and the most important person in his life.

Next, you’re falsely assuming that if a man’s dating you, he should find no other woman attractive, nor should he acknowledge the objective truth that other women are attractive.

You’re falsely assuming that if a man’s dating you, he should find no other woman attractive.

You said it yourself. You admitted you find other men sexy, which means it should be normal for him to find other women sexy.

The only difference is that you’ve taken the extraordinary step of looking away from sexy men to bring your focus back to the man you love and you expect that if he loved you, he’d do the same.

That’s wonderful and thoughtful, but don’t you think that’s a bit…extreme?

“If I let myself do what he occasionally does, I know damn well I will start wanting to be with other men.”

Really? Do you lack such self-control that you can’t admire a cute guy on the street and not want to throw your entire relationship away to pursue sex with a stranger?

Funny, I see attractive women every day and it never occurs to me that I’d be happier with anyone other than my wife. Hmm…maybe there’s more to a relationship than just attraction.

Anyway, my dear Bel, I know you feel very deeply about this issue, but all I can do is point out that you can only change your behavior. You can’t change the behavior of your partner, nor an entire gender.

Which is why the most effective thing you can do is to believe your boyfriend when he says he loves you and try to get over your belief that “looks at women = infidelity.”

Right now, your insecurity is running the show. Here’s Exhibit A:

“I can’t Photoshop myself to match what my partner looks at. I am not ugly, I have a reasonable body yet each time I know he’s been doing it, I do feel incredibly ugly and it is a massive blow to my self-esteem.”

No one said you were ugly. No one is asking you to Photoshop yourself. No one is intentionally hurting your self-esteem. You’re throwing this at your boyfriend’s feet, but it’s ultimately YOU who decides how to feel about yourself.

If you’re insecure, every single perceived slight will cause a crippling blow to your ego and a crisis of confidence in your relationship.

If you’re secure, his glancing at women and looking at porn occasionally is a non-issue. Not an insult. Not an attack. Not a sign he’s not attracted to you. And certainly not cheating.

So what’s it gonna be, Bel?

Are you going to double down on making your devoted boyfriend of 3 years “wrong”?

Are you going to continue to doubt his character and make him feel guilty for being normal?

Are you going to continue to associate benign behavior with infidelity and a lack of devotion?

If so, that’s your prerogative, but you’re basically policing his thoughts and punishing him for a crime (infidelity) that he didn’t actually commit.

Believe me when I tell you that good men can be devoted and find other women pretty.

Believe me when I tell you that looking (not leering, not acting out with a real-life person) is not the equivalent of cheating.

Believe me when I tell you that this insecurity of yours will sabotage your relationship.

Once you let go of these damaging beliefs, you can finally relax and be happy with your boyfriend. Hold onto these beliefs and you know exactly how things are going to end.

Comments:

1

elizabeth

I struggle with similar issues, Bel. Except my boyfriend follows those hot, sexy models on instagram who post pics of their butts in the air or their nipples showing. SUPER annoying. I am confident of who I am, what I look like, and what I bring to the table, but even the most confident woman must struggle, like I do, with the thought that her BF is looking at half naked pics of models casually all day long — and, like you mention, the effects that might have on his view of you at the end of the day. Personally, if I had it my way, guys would unfollow all those instamodels as soon as they are in a relationship, much like they delete bumble and tinder. BUT, my boyfriend has started following a few even after we got together. At first, I was pretty livid about it. I didn’t bring it up to him, except as a joke, and mostly just complain about it to my friends. I’ve been assured by them that this is a “normal guy thing” to do, and to not take it personally. I think I’ve come to accept that (1) men will never get where we’re coming from — the pressures to look good just aren’t the same to them as us. We have decades of feeling inadequate at every corner, and society putting so much pressure on us to fit a certain image that these insta models fit. And that (2) if your boyfriend compliments you, treats you well enough, and still shows a physical desire for you, then give him the benefit of the doubt that staring at these other women really doesn’t affect him and trust he cares for you. For me, every time I worry about these insta models, I put any worries/insecurities out of my mind by assuring myself that any man would rather have what’s real (me) over something super fake and posed (insta models), that he wouldn’t even be able to bang an instamodel even if he was single, and that he’s damn lucky to have a real woman who is beautiful, smart, and most importantly, puts up with his BS. Keep your heads up ladies.

i have no issue with any of my exes glancing at other women, its when they stare.it is disrespectful to me. and i let them know that. do as u please when im not around because they will anyway but whilst im there reign it in. do you find other men sexy elizabeth? are you on instagram? this is not to play mind games with your boyfriend, but more of a ‘go try it yourself’. go on instagram and look for buff young men u like the look of and start adding them. if your boyfriend objects he has double standards and thats far more damaging than a few airbrushed pictures of unreal women.

This is my case. I am not even allowed to speak to a member of the opposite sex benignly at work without my husband actively being confrontational, and down right scary, but he has a ton of women on his Insta, all over snap chat, and he is constantly chatting up all the women at work, even talking to them online and over the phone after hours. Claims it’s all just friendly and normal, but any attempt to be “normal” for me ends up with me being punished for weeks and called a whore. Sometimes people just fucking suck.

That my love is actually abuse.. and controlling.. Please please get help.. please their are women’s centres that run courses on how to spot domestic abuse and get help to escape it.. please get help .. you are in a seriously abusive relationship .. good luck sending you much love and light

This poor girl. The whole time I was reading her email I wanted to pat her on the head and cluck gently. It sounds like it was written by a child, or at least someone very young. When I was in my early 20s, I used to think this way. But it’s been a long time since I really haven’t given a damn about porn – heck, I even (very occasionally) watch it myself. It’s very healthy to be curious and have an imagination, as long as it stays that way. To assume that every person who watches porn is immediately going to want to go out and hump a stranger is ridiculous. If someone is in a devoted, loving, monogamous relationship, they have generally made a conscious decision that that is what they want.

Moreover, Bel, you must understand that, while men and women are equal, we are not the same. If it is true that men need to understand that women are more emotionally based, then women need to understand that men are more visually based. But visuals are like emotions… they are transitory, and they usually don’t mean anything more than a passing thought or whim. This is especially true in the case of porn. To assume that your man must not love you or be devoted to you if he occasionally looks at porn or pictures of other women is absurd. Your man doesn’t know these women. He doesn’t care about them. It is a passing stimulation which means absolutely nothing. He will probably not even remember it a couple of hours later, never mind the next day. I’ve come to see that it truly is the equivalent, for most men, of women reading a Hollywood gossip column or watching a talk show. Women enjoy discussing feelings, relationships and other people; men enjoy looking at pictures. This is a very broad generalization of course, but it’s very helpful to apply.

Men are famously good at separating their feelings from their primal/biological urges. The two do not have to be related AT ALL. As many men have attested on this blog, a man can sleep with a woman and not even like her. Similarly, there are no feelings or desire whatsoever for the women in the pictures or the porn beyond the visual stimulation to get his rocks off in that moment. None whatsoever. When I realised this – that a man choosing to be in a relationship with me was giving his heart to me, which is something he would never, in a million years, give to any of the women in the pictures or videos – I stopped worrying about porn altogether.

We obviously still live in the dark ages! I thought equality was prevalent now.

There is a huge difference in checking out’ a pretty women in passing & lusting at porn/pictures..why is it okay for men to do this? Just because they are ‘visual’ so what! It’s not okay for women to bang on about their ‘feelings’ so why s okay for men to be ‘visual’ & look elsewhere for sexual stimulation & of course some women naturally (not all) might feel undermined by this.

If the shoe was solely on the other foot many husbands/partners would not tolerate. this so called innocent & harmless behaviour led to my divorce..not so benign! It started with pictures, then porn then escorts.. and yes he did love me & me him..but he became addicted & very sadly it led to the demise by f our relationship I really tried to help him, we are still very close now..

I’m sick to the teeth of men defending their god given rights to lust… it’s tantamount to the bygone era when the little wifey was expected to stay at home & cook & clean all day. (This is Int aimed at you David just a general rant..). If we want an equal society then yes..women do absolutely have the right to say something to their partners if they’re uncomfortable with it & if their man does respect/love them then hopefully they will respect their feelings at at the very least try to see it from a female prospective…

She can find the type of man she wants, the kind who avoids looking at any attractive woman in reality, in a magazine or in a movie. I know a few men like that. They are extreme practicising Orthodox Christians, basically the Eastern Orthodox versions of Mike Pence. They “lower their gaze” when they see an attractive woman and, exactly like Mike Pence, they avoid being in the same room alone with another female of the species, to show their devotion for their wife.

IMO, these men are so dull, insane, fanatical and, frankly, creepy, that I have nightmares just thinking how life with them might look like. I would happilly take a normal man who can appreciate the qualities, including the physical qualities, of other women over their “devotion” any time of the day.

So, when you want absolute devotion, including mental devotion, whatever that means, be careful what you wish for. You might end up being called Mother.

You may think it’s creepy that a man shows more than just a modicum of self-control, but some women would call it romantic. What if some of us want a man who only has eyes for us? There’s a huge difference between a man noticing that someone is attractive, and putting her in his spank bank. It demeans him and it demeans her, and it demeans the relationship with the woman he is with if he can’t be bothered to train his brain away from temptation.

No worries here, I said that the type of man she wants exists, though it’s rare, and the women who want them are more than welcome to keep them.

IMO, when I look at Mike Pence and the extremist Orthodox Christians I know, what I see is the opposite of romantic. Dull and fanatical is the opposite of romanticism, which implies inagination and a free spirit.

In order to be romantic, a man needs a certain openness and sensibility to femininity and feminine charms, and if he can notice them in one woman, he will soon notice that other women possess them too.

This is not an apology of men leering at other women or being disrespectful by comparing his woman negatively to other women. Not at all. I’m just saying that the type of man who can show the absolute “mental” devotion she wants will probably have the mental framework of an absolute Puritan. And the Puritans are the opposite of romantics..

So in other words, you think it’s boring when a man has total control over his mind and is disciplined enough to not allow himself to get carried away acting on his fantasies (and yes, masturbating is an action). Okay, if you want to see it that way I guess if that’s your view, then that’s fine. I just happen to believe men can be better than that.

…

Clare

Jenn,

Theodora didn’t use the word “boring”; she used the word “puritanical.” And I happen to fully agree with her.

When you talk about a man “training” his mind and “being disciplined enough not to allow himself to get carried away by his fantasies,” I think of thought police. This is the very definition of thought police and mind control – not being content with someone’s behaviour being right, but wanting to control their thoughts and feelings as well.

The only groups I know of who are fanatical enough to believe that mind control is a good thing are very authoritarian political groups, cults, and extreme religious sects like the Puritans.

…

Jenn

Clare,

She said “dull”, which is the same as boring. It’s not thought policing when a man CHOOSES to resist the temptations of sin. A man like Mike Pence is attempting to be holy because that is what the Lord expects of us. He’s given us the tools to overcome sin and it’s by our own choice if we choose to use them. We have free will to either accept the Lord’s teachings and try to abide by them in order to gain Heaven, or we can constantly put ourselves into circumstances where we know temptation will abound and continue to fail. Sexual sin is a death by a thousand cuts that often starts with regular porn use.

I’d equate it to a recovering alcoholic choosing to lock himself into a room filled with the finest aged brandy – why would anyone who wanted to get better do that if they knew they would be faced with temptation?

Far better to run from temptation than to believe he’ll be strong enough to resist and fail.

…

Misty Watkins

Puritan sounds great good and NORMAL they are the most romantic because they don’t waste thier sexual energy on HOES and they don’t feed off of running AMUK online ish. Trust me they will not be saved and they will be dirty spiritually with addiction and treating thier woman rudely all the time REPENT nasty men

What happens when it has been going on so long that he either has to look at that before he’s with you physically, or he “dulls down” in the middle of being intimate? I would say that’s an issue and my bf claims it’s his age..57.. not!!

Damn right it would be a big deal. I’m currently going through the same situation, and let me tell you… it’s so degrading of my self esteem. Ever more so that I have talked to him about it, he does know how it makes me feel, but continues like he doesn’t care. Says he does, but his actions say otherwise. I’m having trouble wrapping my head around the entire mindset of men thinking it’s okay for them. I wouldn’t care if we weren’t together for the last four years! So I put it to the test. And the end results are exactly what I thought they’d Be! I set up an account on a hookup site (now here me out before you impose on your personal opinions). I did not hold anything back I created the account as if j were single. Just the way he did so about a month prior of my account. I posted sexy pictures, nude pictures, everything. He just found it today, he was very irritated with the thought even angry. He said that I couldn’t do that because it degrading myself. Okay yeah I can see where his opinion might be present but that’s my choice. Then he added that he only look at parts of them, their smile and mainly facial features. I also understand but if it the facial features aka smile, Why do they have to be naked and/or having sex? Can’t you just control your temptation and urges like the rest of us, damn animal.

I feel like men can actually refrain but they think that they don’t have to for some odd reason it’s a double standard. I can’t refrain either but guess what? I choose to keep my soul from giving into things that are unhealthy And trust me better out here doing it every five minutes acting all innocent because the women are letting them get away with it keep speaking up ladies I love this

You shouldn’t know what your partner is fantasizing about, so it wouldn’t be a big deal. By the way, I don’t fantasize – I’m too “in the moment” to think about anything during sex – however, I’ve heard from people who are older/more experienced/happily married that as long as fantasy is kept in the realm of fantasy, it should not be perceived as a threat to the relationship.

I put these two in the porn/photos category. Probably no big deal in moderation. However, I know for myself? If I’m consistently thinking of another man during sex, I’m not really into the guy I’m with. This has not happened, thankfully. I do think part of the intimacy of sex is connection. If one or the other partner’s mind is consistently somewhere else, I think there is lack of connection there. And lack of presence. (Could be work, the weather, not just porn and other people.)

On occasion? No big deal. All the time is a flag for me. Maybe it differs for men, I don’t know. Maybe they can consistently think of various other women during sex/masturbation and still feel love and connection to their partner. If so, great. And yes, never let your partner know. Some fantasies can be shared and be great. Consistently thinking of another woman during sex with your girlfriend? I agree with Evan, don’t share that one.

(I know no one has said anything about consistent or regular thoughts, but I’m saying it. We don’t know if that’s the case with the OPs boyfriend but we don’t really know either way.)

I don’t usually think of other people when I’m having sex – generally, like Evan, I’m too caught up in the moment and in my body to think about anything.

But I have done so sometimes as a “boost” or to get me in the mood, and when I have, it was no threat to the relationship whatsoever. It was usually of someone I’d seen and didn’t know (eg. an actor) and I felt no emotional connection to them whatsoever.

I think keeping the fires of passion alive in a relationship is very important to its health, in my opinion, and so anything that a couple does to get them in the mood, which does not stray over into the realm of cheating, is fine in my book.

I think what both yourself and EMK said is that YOU don’t think it’s a threat to the relationship, but we are not talking about either of you. We are talking about your partner. And if you are going to keep the fires of passion alive you need to be open with your communication with your partner, and get them to work with you to ignite those passions. If you thinking about another man or woman during sex was not a threat to your relationship then you would tell your partner that you are doing so. So why don’t you, because if your partner knew he or she would be upset, hence it is a threat to the relationship! Secrecy and lies are too. And in my book this is secrecy and lies. But I recognize not everyone feels the same, so there’s an easy way to figure this one out, just ask your partner. Hey honey are you okay that I think about other men when I am having sex with you, or to get me in the mood to have sex with you? If your partner says it’s not a problem at all then great. Now you know.

Evan Marc Katz

No one has to confess all his/her inner thoughts, nor should someone be asked.

This thought pattern and behavior is driven by fear and insecurity and will have a negative effect on your relationship.

Think about a guy asking the same question: ick. Totally insecure.

…

Lisa

I don’t think a guy asking the same question is ick. No one has to do anything of course they don’t. But if you are doing or thinking of something that you know would be a serious threat to your relationship then why the heck are you even in that relationship?! I guess we are all different, and everyone of course has a right to their own boundaries and maybe some people think it’s perfectly fine that their partners are imagining others during sex with them, that’s not my place to say. But I would never want to be in a relationship with someone that would do that to me, nor in one where I would have to do that to have sex with them. Sex to me is about intimacy and how can you be intimate with your partner if you are thinking about someone else? I cannot do that. At that point it’s just going through the motions.

5.3

Nissa

This made me laugh. Now, it’s been a very long time since I was married and having sex, but I remember it as being interactive to a degree that, if I had time to think about someone else, my partner must have really been having an off night. And even then my mind tended to wander into things like…what time does that tv show come on? Did I remember to buy everything on the grocery list?I’m with Evan on this one, that thoughts are transient but action is a no-no. However, I might disagree with Evan on what constitutes ‘action’. For me, friending them on Facebook or messaging them would be an action, since it’s a precursor to meeting them in person.

Well sure, we’re all human and we’re not going to be perfect and our mind might wander and we’ll never always be at the top of our game. And as stated above, if you’re fantasizing about someone else, that’s a bad indication of the state of the relationship. An occasional fantasy about someone else can be one small slip from unintentionally uttering the wrong name at the wrong time, and that can’t be undone. Aren’t there songs about that?

Excactly why the hell would I want to be with some one who is thinking of some one else while having sex with me. It’s called respect and if that guy ain’t got it for me then why would I want to be with some one like that . People are acting on here like its jus FWB pmsl

The people agreeing to all this are the ones who dont care and also would attend swinging parties foursomes etc. I find it disgusting some one who says they love you would masturbate over a porn model. Stare at another woman when with him. And fantasizing about some one else while having sex with you and if you allow it just goes to show 0 respect for you

Sounds like BF is slightly immature as well. He has shouldn’t feel upset if the OP gets off on thinking about other men or looking at sexy photos. Fantasy is an important part of anyone’s erotic inner life.

To be honest, if I see a sexy woman, I tend to stare too. But my thoughts are usually slightly different. I’m wondering what brand of bra/spanx/dress/shoes she’s wearing, and if she has difficulty getting her snaps undone to pee, where she bought her shoes, if she’s wearing butt pads, if those earrings make her ears hurt, does she recommend that brand of hair extensions.I’m much more likely to walk up to her and say “You’re beautiful! I really like your ___. Then she smiles at me and we have a nice chat. There’s no need for things to be adversarial.

I agree. This happened to me last week. I saw a good looking guy dressed well and wondered where he got the clothes from and thought that maybe I need to dress more like that (instead of my favorite tie-dyed shirt with camo shorts). But that’s a whole lot different from fantasizing about having sex with them.

I agree with you that admiring someone is different from fantasising about having sex with them. On another thread I have written about how my boyfriend told me that he always looks at other women, mentally undresses them and imagines having sex with them…all in one glance. He does this in front of me apparently (he must be very proficient at this because I thought we were shopping for food/clothes/furniture) and I can accept or leave because it’s who he is and he’s not going to stop. I am not the thought police but it’s damned uncomfortable when I know some random guy is doing it to me and it’s never a glance but a stare and it comes across as ‘sleazy’ especially when he’s got a woman beside him. I now feel like one of those women and it’s heartbreakingly sad. If you define who you are as objectifying all women/men, then I feel sorry for that person. There are women out there who’d give their right arm to have someone like you. It’s not a sin to look, admire but to imagine having sex with them is too far in my opinion.

I also like looking at other women. I follow insta models. They are gorgeous and i like looking at nice girls. Don’t really see a problem with that. Also given a chanc right would probably make out with one of them myself! How can guys not stare? I think as long as they are not making inappropriate comments, comparing you unfavorably to other women, and as long as they think you’re hot and are complimenting you, this really shouldn’t be an issue. If that’s not happening than insta models are not the root of the problem…the lack of attraction is.

I personally don’t have issue with a boyfriend finding other women attractive (we all will find other people attractive). I do have issue with a boyfriend going out of his way acting off this attraction for example to flirt with the woman. For me personally you notice someone attractive and a thought will come. Heck you might even have a wet dream later that night. To me that’s normal. But any action taking further steps past noticing someone attractive to me is extra and going out of their way. Those are deliberate choices. That is annoying and I do find it disrespectful. Depending How far a man goes out of his way to act off this attraction will determine whether it constitutes an action from me to address the problem I may have with it or a problem I will choose to accept and just let it go. Even though, OP we may have issues with these things your boyfriend probably thinks it’s no big deal. It is because of this reality I think we should simply choose our battles because I know a lot of men think it’s okay for them to do it and the fact that we may find it disrespectful isn’t going to make men who do it think the same way that we do. I think you asked Evan why men would do something so disrespectful. In my opinion men do what is pleasurable to them and they don’t think it’s a big deal. You think it’s disrespectful. I think it’s disrespectful. He may not think it’s disrespectful at all. He may think you making a big deal about what he choose to look at is disrespectful to him. It’s simply a difference of point of view. He may not see it your way because you don’t do it to him. He may find it disrespectful if you were to do it to him. I personally don’t think a lot of men share Evans tolerance if a woman was to do it. I have seen and do believe that a lot of men would not be okay with it if his girl did that. I have seen jealousy flare in a man when his woman is getting attention that she is not even encouraging. God forbid if she goes out of her way to look at sexy men in their boxers and he sees her. I also don’t think a lot of woman do this to their guys because they know that their guy wouldn’t like it. If they do it it’s probably because they are trying to make him jealous or trying to cope with their own jealousy when he does it lol. This type of behavior usually stereotypes men doing this for a reason. OP, I know it may feel to you that women should just accept this bs. But It’s kinda like the whole men pay thing. A guy could totally think both parties should just go Dutch because we are all adults and can pay our own way but in dating is it going to help a man to interact with the women by taking that stance? Probably not. Therefore, OP I feel like it won’t help women Challenge men over certain things that they have no issues with such as look at sexy photos if they truly don’t think it’s not a big deal. I don’t like it. And I too don’t do it. And I too think I should get the same respect but then again there are probably a lot of things men think we should do but let us have our way and just accept. He may think it’s disrespectful that we take a long time to get ready to go somewhere everytime but choose not to give lip about it especially if a lot of women think it’s not a big deal. It’s a battle that’s just futile even if technically his feelings are valid. Therefore OP, I would just simply choose your battles. Accept things you don’t like from your men but don’t tolerate things you simply cannot accept. You have to determine if this particular thing is one of those things you simply cannot accept. Is he looking at other women and finding them sexy. Yes. Do you find it disrespectful. Yes. Do you want him to show you that same respect. Yes. Does he think that what he doing is not a big deal? Probably not. And based on that alone All you can do is find a way to manage this difference or if you find your really can’t accept this difference let him go and Find a man who doesn’t do this (if you can lol). But it doesn’t do you any good trying to change the men who do it without apologies. Good luck.

Thank God my man is not on social media and I don’t have a heavy presence there myself. But it honestly does not bother me if he looks at other women. However, I picked a man who also has common sense and knows that it is highly disrespectful to stare at another when you are with your significant other. I do not put up with disrespect period.I sincerely can’t care less how many women he oogles when he is out with his friends or on his own. I know my worth and there are times when I point out hot women to him and he does the same. Those women are never a threat to me because I know who I am and if he was stupid enough to follow that path, well then I would rather know now anyway. If my man looks at other women, it is in no way a reflection of me. He just has eyes in his head and he’s not dead – as long as he knows that all he can do is look. It takes too much energy to be worried about this sort of thing – seriously. And, you don’t want a man who feels he has to lie to you about this sort of thing. Just accept that it is human nature to admire people who are attractive. Obviously there is a line that does not need to be crossed and that includes being on social media.And, both of you have to define what that line is if that’s an issue. Also, I never get the fantasy thing. If I am fantasizing about Idris Elba, I don’t have Idris Elba so I don’t see the point in the whole imagination thing but to each his own.

You said, “ there are times when I point out hot women to him and he does the same.”

Would you explain the motivation behind this behavior to me?

I have a married friend that does this with her husband also and it doesn’t make sense to me. If it was just as Nissa and ScottH said above then I would understand. Seeing someone bring out the stylish beauty or elegance of an outfit or hairstyle is one thing but negating all that and just focusing on the person’s beauty/sex appeal seems like a strange thing to bring up to your spouse to me.

I knew of a lot of couples who were secretly into threesomes and swinging that did such things but you like my friend and her husband I doubt are into such things so I don’t see the point of just randomly pointing out someone you think is beautiful while walking in the mall with your spouse.

To answer your question: I am REALLY into fitness. I have worked hard for my body and it shows (just being honest here). For me, the body is a work of art, and especially a woman’s. If I see a lady with a really nice ass or some killer legs, I am attracted to it (not sexually, but I appreciate the glorious-ness of it all).

So if I see a really nice bum, I would find myself saying to him, ‘OMG, her ass is amazing’. It is just a natural reaction for me. Only difference is, instead of only saying it in my head, I say it out loud. We both look casually and we enjoy the view. But that is as far as it goes. I forget said woman 2 seconds from then. For me, it’s like pointing out a nice car, house, or anything else. I don’t want to sleep with the woman and I am not bisexual and would never entertain a threesome. But I am attracted to beautiful things and people. Does that make sense?

I think people watching is a normal human behaviour and I too will sometimes point out amazing looking women or men to my husband. It then becomes something you share that bonds you, rather than something divisive. I would also point out weird looking people- omg look at that guys ears/ weird hair… etc…

At the end of the day I want to be with a man with a healthy sex drive- to me a guy who never looked at women, never looked at porn or whatever would ring alarm bells and I’d stay away from him!

12.1.2

Marie

I did the same as not to feel empty or betrayed for my man looking. When you point them out they really don’t look and desire the same if he’d noticed himself. It’s more that he’ll deny ever looking anyways. My thought.

Demanding that your man never watch porn or find any other woman attractive is ridiculous. However, fantasizing about someone else WHILE HAVING SEX WITH ME sounds like absolute grounds for breakup. If a lover is incapable of being present with me during the act, how could he be remotely attracted to me? The need to think about someone else while touching me means that I’m just not beautiful enough. There is no other conceivable explanation.

I dont agree with the main post..yea looking at someone on the street is normal, no biggy. But the post said that the girl asked her boyfriend if he would be mad if she masterbated to men and thought about men during sex like he does, and he said yes. So there is a double standard. We can all look at attractive people on the street but once we let ourselves enjoy an intimate moment (even in our heads) thinking about someone else and getting pleasure from it. Thats a choice. You cant help seeing a pretty person walk by but you have a choice to look at that hot pic or video and pleasure yourself to it. To me, the latter is infidelity. If you have to or want to have physical pleasure while looking at and thinking about someone else, then why are you with me? Go be single and mingle. Men and women have no choice but to notice things trotted out in front of you, people are pretty, we both have a choice on what we find pleasure in and how we choose to partake in finding that thrill. Women can obviously not look at other men or fantasize about others, Men have nothing but an excuse and a bad attitude against reality to think the latter is not a choice. You compare it to cars. You cant help noticing when a hot sports car drives past you and your blown away by it beauty and watch it round the corner…normal and not a choice. Then you go home and sit at your computer when your alone and pull up pictures of hot sports cars to to get pleasure from looking at them. This is a choice. And when its looking at people that IS NOT your partner, you cause pain and honestly i find people with that lack of self control unattractive period.

Honestly, I was okay with my bf watching porn but what i don’t understand is SAVING that kind of stuff whether its certain videos or certain pictures of hot models nude or near to it. also, if we’re having a moment together it should be me you are focusing on and not need anything else to help you out.

So if your man truly loves you and “only has eyes for you” then why does he feel the need to still look at other women and masterbate to them? Why does he still feel the need to do this almost every night? Why does he do it even though you tell him you don’t like it and it hurts you?

Because it has nothing to do with you. Because “only have eyes for you” is a figure of speech, not a promise. Because women and men are different.

If you want your partner to stop masturbating, you should probably not date men or you should have sex every night. Otherwise, it’s pretty predictable that good, monogamous men will keep pleasuring themselves to images of other women. There is nothing for you to be threatened by unless he has low character and is actually cheating on you with a live person.

I’ve read enough to say something. I’m not saying all men and women are the same. Don’t read me wrong. I agree there are ways to compromise in any type of relationship, only if love, desire, respect, faithfulness, trust and honesty are involved. What I’ve read and understand is; women should still sit back and take the caveman approach to men and have them continue to abuse women mentally physically and sexually. So our young boys and girls just continue to grow and learn to turn a blind eye if she or he ever wants a relationship. I lived 10 years with a man who abused me mentally and cheated on me several times; that I could sit in a kitchen sink and puke in one shit in the other as knives are being driven into my heart; but hey he could give you the shirt off his back. My two sons learned what a woman’s, mother’s broken heart was all about. They are strong from it and will treat a woman with respect if they choose a relationship. They have lost all respect for their father. drugs and alcohol were involved and the women knew he was married. I got out though! I just spent three years with a fine young man, 20 years difference in age.(I would have him for the rest of my life). He’s kind, caring, loving, quiet, helpful, issue may be: he was raised by a single (alcoholic) father with the 90s internet. He also left home at a younger age. Everything was great in the beginning till I noticed his cell phone was his second dick, it never went anywhere without him. I later learned of the 6000 naked pictures of women w/men, pussy dick tips ass, you name it. He would talk in chat rooms, view and video sessions. (They were on his phone, computer, and USB sticks) I did everything sexually for him, outfits bondage drugs alcohol at the same time I knew this was wrong, I tried to turn a blind eye. I felt lost disrespected ugly not good enough. I lost the trust I had found again after 10 years of being a single mother. I loved him, truly did. I opened my home to him because his home was a pig pen. I wanted him to have better. I’m a safe women, carrying, giving, fun, easy going, I did it all for him. I’ll even wipe your ass. So what I’m reading here: is that it’s okay for men women to view others naked or have outside relations or converse on the web; it’s part of being man, his desires need these porn sites, but he loves you too! He’s devoted to you! You say get over it! and let him be, he’s not hurting anyone, it’s man’s right! I don’t open my legs for anyone, my heart, mind, soul are my love connections, they feel so I can be in a relationship. Sure I could have a one night stand, just not me. I opened my whole world for the man I love. I believe men should grow up in this day and age. Should get a hold of their dicks and give their heads a shake and learn what you’re doing to women is disrespectful,untrustworthy, degrading, heartbreaking and disgusting; it’s not okay! It’s very damaging and it can lead to suicide like I almost did: (he came home drunk one night at 4:30 in the morning, I didn’t unlock the door for him, so he kicked the door open proceeded to shit kicked the rest of my house and towards me, so I made him go. Did I make the wrong choice, Yes I did, because I miss him. But I respect myself more to know that I am of value.) He was nice, he was caring, he was beautiful. But he is sick it is a disease to view these women as sexual objects and get horny enough to be able to turn around and fuck his partner. On my birthday I wanted to give him head, because I enjoy doing it, an hour and a half later I’m not getting him off, so he asked me if he could turn on his private hidden video of two women getting off with each other so he could cum. I said yes, I wanted to meet his needs. When I was done I went outside for a smoke and balled my eyes out. I was so hurt. This wasn’t the only time. I think I did a good job of being his personal porn star in the bedroom. New outfits came in the mail for me to wear. Well I was high on cocaine, dope and alcohol because that’s what my man wanted. So I conformed, I let it go. Thing is he knew I was a lover until the day I asked him about his sexual desires. The first thing introduced was pink and black fluffy handcuffs and ball in the mouth. After that it wasn’t sex it wasn’t love no more, it was just abuse. I believe that men and women,TV, movies, porn industry need to stop using women and men as objects to view and abuse sexually. Many of these women your viewing are being tortured by these men who put these profiles and videos online, some of these women don’t want intercourse like this. Some women don’t even know their online in these videos, (however their male partner does) and many do not care they like their legs spread for the world to see. I believe they should get a hold of themselves and see that the oldest profession does not work for all and that respected nice people are being abused by it in the end. Our young are growing up learning that this behaviour is accepted and this is how you treat a person. It’s not how you value the person you choose to love. I was floored at the fact that this young man slapped my pussy after I had talked to him about woman saying in online forums it doesn’t feel nice or sexy; but that’s where his sex ed was learned, from porn and pictures of strange girls and naked actresses; who are to be role models for the young. No, I’m a role model, not Taylor Swift! Ext: I wonder whatever happened to the ladies who fought for equal rights for women. You’re saying I don’t have any rights if I want to be with a man again, he has all of them! If you want to keep him, let him view porn, look at the women who walk by. It’s okay he loves you, he’s with you still, he’s not hurting anyone, as long as his needs are met, beacuse they are different than yours. and they may be. To quote they’re just feelings of your own insecurities. However trust, respect, honesty are the same to every living person. So – if I don’t do it to you then why should I accept it from my male partner? OH, that’s right you said because he’s a man and his needs are different than ours. It is such a double standard. I believe it is an industry that needs to stop and be viewed as being abusive against women men. It will diminish parts of your self-worth, it is hurtful. I again now feel lost, lonely, hurt, degraded, unlovable,unwanted,useless and that I have to conform to your ways and your needs in order to be in love. With every being of my body and my mind I feel it is wrong to treat women like this. I’m sick of watching a TV show and having sex tits and ass shoved down my fucking throat everyday; from the clothing women wear or no regard for the significant other. I have my own tits ass to look at, I don’t need to see yours while I’m out fucking grocery shopping. I don’t need my boyfriend’s wandering eyes looking at your tits hanging out of your low-cut fucking shirt while I’m trying to have a romantic meal with him. I’m sure you all understand what I’m trying to say. I stand beside my beliefs and I will not confirm them for anyone. I am of value I deserve to be respected I deserve to be treated well and with kindness. And – if I so choose to be in another relationship with a male, and I have asked him and tell him that I do not tolerate this kind of behaviour and activity, I should be listened to and respected. When a man knows it bothers you, and he still chooses to do it, it is wrong. However I’m assuming he won’t see it the same as long as his needs are met. They are different than mine. He is man! I should be your only love, I should be your only desire for us to play with each other and have fun in the bedroom and outside the bedroom. Not coming in second best to the whores and cunts who spread their pussy all over the internet. One night after I noticed he didn’t stop viewing these pictures, I chose to roll over in bed and view all these naked men jacking off with their big cocks. He turned around to fuck me.(much bigger than his) I said no, that I just wanted to show you how it feels with me viewing other men. Why should I have to view other men when I have a hot sexy sexy man in front of me. Play with me, talk with me,giggle with me, have fun with me and bring my desired level up so I want to have sex with you and just you. I want to have sex with my male partner, all the time. However knowing the other women are there, closes doors on your own needs and your own desires. So then we do start to drift apart from each other. Some of you may see this as having insecurities and being beaten down already by the men I’ve chosen in my life, you could be right, but you’re wrong, because from the strong women and men in my life; I have learned value, I’ve learned respect, I have learned to trust, I have learned honesty, and I understand full heartedly the meaning of these actions and I will not have myself be disrespected, degraded or stepped on and walked all over. I also refuse to be looked at like I just insulted you for calling you out on your actions and behaviour. Being called stupid, an idiot, a retard, a goof for believing in my beliefs and knowing what I’m willing to tolerate and accept. I’m sure I will choose it all over again because I am an empath, I am carrying, I am loving, I wear my heart on my sleeve, I’m giving. I will take all your abuse till there is nothing left of me, till I’m so broken that all I see is death from my broken heart. He is man, get over it!

I may continue to view this site, understand it some more. I might get something out of it. I know for a fact that women are being underrated and devalued, not taken seriously. Women have a side to this whole story, but we still have to follow the men’s lead. Do as you’re told hey!

I’m not asking for help, I’m telling a small story of what it does to a person’s brain and heart and well-being. I’m the fucked-up one now, crying everyday over the loss of my boyfriend. Because I couldn’t accept the other women. But hey I’m sure he’s doing fine, sure he’s fucked several women drunk already. But hey remember he’s the man, and you’re just a woman.

If you chose to read what I had to say thank you. I tried not to make this one-sided, if you choose to comment back, please do it tastefully as I don’t deserve to be spit at.

Love this because I had went through some real shit similar to this. Married a narcissist, drug addict, porn addict little boy.. Dealt with it for 4 years. Had no clue he was cheating on me while I was pregnant. Had no clue he kept doing drugs… Mentally abused… Slept beside someone I dodnt want to touch bc he was watching porn… granted I wanted the attention and the physical side of him in which he gave to a screen and fake whores. I relate so much to your post much love sis… I needed to read your post. I even saved it.

This topic rings close to home. I am not surprised or threatened by my husband noticing other women. It is bound to happen. However, recently, I was faced with a situation that tested our marriage and communication.

I found out that my husband gets off to porn. Yes, a lot of men do it, but I think for me, seeing it in front of him really changed things and made me slightly upset. I chose to get over it and move on. Now, a week later, while my husband was showing me something on his phone, I noticed photos of scantily clad women in his chat with his cousin. I asked him more about it and to see what this was all about. He was a bit defensive but since I was next to him showed me the chat. Initially he prefaced by saying he is usually the recipient of photos not the sender but I scrolled further. I noticed he was the main one sending these graphic photos with comments like “She needs my (thing) in her (thing)” and “I want to swipe a card through her” or “I’d give her the green card anytime”. My issue was two part: it was the initial lie of him denying he sent anything himself and the way he described what he’d like to do to these women. Yes, he’s not meeting up with the women in these photos, but to so easily circulate these photos and make these graphic comments as a married man made me a little queezy. The absolute worst part of this for me was in one chat, he told his cousin about a girl that hit on him in the elevator and how he was flattered but walked out of the elevator because he didnt want trouble. His cousin poked fun at him saying he should have acted on it (his cousin is known to be a sleezeball and has a host of marital problems). He went on and on about how my husband should have fun without his wife knowing. I understand he cant control his cousins words or actions but the fact that he brushed that cheating suggestion off and continued to swap graphic photos of women afterwards with his cousin bothers me. Was that not a red flag that your cousin encouraged you to cheat and had zero respect for your wife? Could you not have put him in his place even with a joking tone?

I find with these situations, context is everything. Did your man make comments on these photos and how far did those comments go, how does he react in situations where others are openly disrespecting your relationship?

My husband feels remorseful but at the same time defensive. He says “This is what my friends do. A lot of guys do it. ” I asked him why he made such graphic comments about what he wants to do to these women and he said he was being “stupid”.

I am generally a confident person, and maybe I assumed because of this I wouldn’t encounter such a situation with my husband. I know this has nothing to do with me and more so with his own choices, but all of the time he spent on those photos and videos he could have spent adding to our own sex life and our own bond. It really hurt me, and I did not expect to be so hurt by it.

Men will notice other women. Men may occasionally look up porn or swap a photo…but context and participation is everything I feel. Lying about it just adds a deeper layer to the issue.

You are completely right to feel the way you do. Men doing that is in God’s eyes cheating, society tries to make it sound ok and it is not. That is cheating whatever way you look at it and disrespectful and not loving at all the complete opposite, men that should stay single and should be man enough to tell their friends and male relatives to stop sending them pics of other women and either unfollow them or just come off all that social media, all it does it belittle their wifes or girlfriends. Just got rid of my boyfriend because of it not putting up with it anymore and i could tell u loads more, God convicted him in church a few times in a big time because of this brought him to his knees. If you want to know more email me.

I agree with you. I’m tired of people making excuses for men looking at women outside of a relationship. It’s wrong and they should stay single if they like what they see elsewhere. I understand an occasional glance at a pretty woman. It can’t be helped. However, stockpiling pictures on their phones is inappropriate if they’re in a relationship. It’s one of the reasons I divorced my husband. I was really hurt when I found all of his pictures. I felt betrayed (besides disgusted). I felt like I didn’t even know him. It really creeped me out actually and I lost faith in our relationship. Now he lives with a woman AND is still scanning the dating sites. He is a self-centered person and will never learn.

NNTG, I’m going to start deleting every post where, for no reason, you declare yourself ugly and undateable. It is unhealthy and I would encourage you to find a healthier and more empowering worldview like: “I’m a great catch despite the fact that I’m average looking.”

No, but you’re a broken record. Who are you playing it for? What are our readers to get out of the drumbeat reminder that you think you’re unattractive? How is this self-flagellation illuminating or thought-provoking or useful?

And, to be clear, I don’t want you to leave. I want you to stop punctuating every other comment with how ugly and worthless you are to the opposite sex. Get a therapist. Hire a coach. Just stop hating on yourself for no good reason on my website.

Sex appeal doesn’t mean laying on a bed in lingerie with a rose in your teeth. It just means posting photos that appeal to men’s basest impulses. If he clicks on your profile and is turned on, a good man will then read about you and write based on your content rather than your looks.

Happy Clients

"Dale and I have been together for two and a half years and will be married in 3 months."

You provide a reality check and remind me that everyone has doubts and there is no one "normal" response to love and commitment. I think your insight and perspective is incredibly accurate - you seem to understand the plight/perspective of the working, successful urban woman over 30.

Shelagh M.

“You opened my eyes to the fact that my boyfriend left because he didn’t love me unconditionally.”

I am in such a better place today because of your insights and inspirational guidance. I was so stuck on getting him back, but now I realize that I don’t want him back! I deserve someone who will love me unconditionally, no matter what.

Ana C.

"Seriously…everything you described would happen, happened!"

He emailed me, he called me, he asked for a date, he called back, he contacts me everyday, he took down his profile first, he stopped dating the other women he was dating and asked me to “date exclusively” because he wants to focus on getting to know me better. All I did was say yes.