In his strongest language to date,
President Bush today warned Tuna to discontinue it's program of mercury
infestation. A new report by the International Fish Toxicity Agency (IFTA)
outlines Tuna's failure to provide a balance between nutrition and menace
for agency inspectors, and the president now says that the current level is unacceptable.

"Tuna must comply. I mean, the free
world expects Tuna to comply. Just leave it at that. ... We believe they
will comply when the free world comes together," Mr. Bush said after a White
House meeting with European Union leaders. Several nations, including
France and Russia, stated that they will continue consuming the poisonous
fish any time they damn well please.

The Washington Post
spoke to Tuna expert David Burney, executive director of the San
Diego-based U.S. Tuna Foundation. "Every time there's a hearing or a
meeting, you get all these incredible accusations flying around everywhere, where
you have people saying they know people who ate people that know fish who glow in the
dark," Burney said. "That's the kind of thing you don't like to see, and
you wonder whether people are taking this to heart. Sometimes I just feel
like packing it all in. Fuck it, ya know?"

Tuna spokesman Charlie issued the
following statement through the undersea media outlet Liqueeda. "Everyone
knows that Tuna was poisoned by the U.S., and that most of our toxins were
introduced by the U.S., and that we will fight back however we can, even
if it means by attacking the stomach of every man, woman and child in
the godforsaken country. And other fish will follow. The swordfish are
already fighting on our side."

Secretary Rumsfeld was quick to
respond, saying "our teeth are stronger than your flesh", and
claimed that America
will never back down from seafood, "even if it means poisoning every damn fish in the
ocean. And that includes the crustaceans, too."