On tonight's show…Which one time WWF
wrestler makes his long awaited return to hunt Hogan?
And speaking of Hogan, which World War 2 atrocity is
coming back to hunt him down as well? And which disease
managed to save my day and keep "Mean" Gene away? Get
all the answers to these questions and MORE WCW
tomfoolery in this week's episode of…

WCW Old
School Recap of Complete Awesomeness!

Date: March 18th, 1996

Location: Chattanooga, TN

YES! I am Esben Evans and I'm your host for
another FAN-FREAKING-TASTIC episode of the most
frustrating, nonsensical and just plain bad wrestling
show ever (HA! Take THAT Nicole), WCW Monday Nitro. This
week we are only 6 days away from Uncensored 96. Now I
would normally be dreading the thought of recapping an
event like that, but seeing that I barely know what
matches will feature on the show, I feel more like a
deer walking through the woods and about to cross a
highway where I will undoubtedly get caught in the
metaphorical headlights of a semi-truck. I do however
have a few very bad feelings about the matches already
announced on this show, but I'll look into that at the
end of the show where I will give my thoughts on the so
far announced card and I can already tell you're
excited, so let's get on with tonight's hard sell for
the pay-per-view!...and by hard sell, I actually mean
that I have no idea if the event will even get mentioned
at all.

WOW! We're already off to a great (?) start
as Loch Ness and The Giant are brawling in the aisle
before the announcers can even say a word. We are
apparently robbed of the opening bout of the evening
which should've been Loch Ness Vs Lex Luger (DAMN IT!).
Luger has the same thought as he comes out and
hilariously poses right next to the fight. He enters the
ring and demands that the referee starts the match.

…well, the referee counts Loch Ness out.
See, this is how a Lex Luger match ought to get booked
all the time, virtually non-existent.

WINNER, and STILL WCW World Television
Champion (by count-out): Lex Luger

Luger celebrates his win like he just won
the World Cup (the football one, not the crappy
Starrcade one) as he jumps around the ring with his
title. Jimmy Hart gets in the ring and tries to
celebrate with him, but Luger sends him away after only
a brief hug. What a tease. Luger joins the announcers
and, I must admit, Luger is actually pretty good as he
talks about this being one of the shortest title
defences in WCW history and how he is totally on a roll
now. He ends his promo by going for a high five with
Mongo, but he ends up settling for Heenan instead. We're
told that they have a standby match ready after the
commercials between The Steiner Brothers & Public
Enemy…what the fuck is up with the Public Enemy only
being able to get a spot on Nitro if the original match
gets cancelled? I mean that's also how they got their
debut.

After the commercials however, I get greeted
with the ominous line "HE'S AMERICAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN
MAAAAAAAADEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE" and I have to
refrain myself from hurling my body out my open
window…and land softly in the flower bed placed only a
couple of feet beneath it. Hulk Hogan and Macho Man make
their way out for an interview with…Tony Schiavone!?
Nice! Apparently it will now be both Hogan AND Savage
who will fight in the doomsday cage match, along with a
Texas Tornado Match tonight in the Main Event…seriously,
why does it seem like every strangely stipulated match
comes straight out of Texas?...well actually I guess
that these days they come straight out of Nashville, but
still...ANYWHO! The reason that they're able to tag it
at the pay-per-view is apparently because Hogan signed
the contract, "The Mega Powers" instead of his own
name…wow, I'm so gonna use that strategy the next time
I'm gonna sign something that could eventually blow up
in my face, my neighbour will never know what hit him
when his house is foreclosed instead of mine. Savage
rambles about something before Hogan states that what he
likes about the match at Uncensored is that there is no
titles on the line…excuse me for a minute,
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA…HAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA! He says that he is
not afraid of anyone that Kevin Sullivan might recruit
to his team, and why should he? Hogan not going over at
a pay-per-view happens like once every decade.

Public Enemy
Vs The Steiner Brothers

Eric tells the viewers to put down their
pencils, and hey who am I to argue?

WINNERS:…just kidding

Scott Steiner and Rocco Rock starts the
match by exchanging counters before Steiner sends Rocco
out on the table that Public Enemy brought to the ring
when they came out. Scott gets out on the apron but
before he can send Rocco through the table, he manages
to roll off and is instead nailed with a Flying Double
Axehandle. Back in the ring, both men tags out and, holy
FUCK, Rick Steiner was over back then. We get word that
Dennis Rodman just got suspended for headbutting
someone, apparently he was told that his ass did indeed
look big in that dress. Public Enemy gains the advantage
after Johnny Grunge hits Rick with a Bulldog on a
plastic chair and Rocco Rock takes it to him with a
Moonsault and a DDT before Steiner counters a Top Rope
Crossbody attempt into a Powerslam for a two count. We
learn that Booker T will be Sting's partner against the
Road Warriors at Uncensored…"why?" you ask? Well, WCW
needed a token black guy of course. I must say that this
is another strong tag team match as both teams are using
some very innovative offence including a Top Rope T-Bone
Suplex from Scott and a Springboard Moonsault Press by
Rocco Rock. WCW must know that they have done something
right because almost at the exact moment that I thought
"This show is shaping up nicely", they reveal that we'll
get The Nasty Boys Vs The Road Warriors later on
tonight. Rocco Rock once again places Rick Steiner on
the table but Scott manages to pull him away just in
time leaving Rocco to Plancha himself through the wood
instead. This leaves Johnny Grunge all alone and on the
receiving end of that Doomsday Bulldog for the 3 count.
Good match.

WINNERS: The Steiner Brothers

And without further ado, we go straight to
the next match.

Arn Anderson
w/ Woman Vs The Booty Man

Well at least they bumped Ed Leslie from
that god forsaken Main Event spot, I think they figured
that he was starting to hog the Hulkster's spotlight.
Apparently BM will face Diamond Dallas Page at
Uncensored, and although this show already seems
unappealing as hell, the vision of the Booty Man
defeating my beloved DDP surely doesn't help. As far as
I understand Kimberly is now the Booty Girl (mmm) and
has left Johnny B. Badd, who I bet is feeling pretty
annoyed at the thought that he GAVE HER 6 MILLION
DOLLARS only a month ago…of course, this is NOTHING
compared to how annoyed he is today as another homeless
guy cuts in front of him in the soup line at the
shelter. Oh, by the way, we get confirmation that The
Giant will indeed face Loch Ness at Uncensored as
well…this is why I don't believe in god.

The crowd is definitely not behind The Booty
Man in this one as they boo the crap out of him every
time he tries to rally them up. He does take control
however as he smashes Arn's head repeatedly into the
turnbuckles and then literally kicks his ass as he
somehow ends up lying across the opposite turnbuckle.
Arn rolls to the outside and takes control by ramming BM
into the apron. He works over the Booty Man's arm before
going for something from the top rope only to get
punched in the gut on his way down. As Kimberly makes
her way down to the ring, she is instantly targeted by
Woman and as she begins to stalk her, BM tries to get in
between only to get nailed by Arn with a Flying Double
Axe Handle from the apron. Arn rolls Leslie back inside
but he no sells everything and hits Double A with a
Running Knee to the temple for the 3 count…I guess he
did learn something from Hogan after all.

WINNER: The Booty Man

…and without further ado, we go straight to
the next match…not that many promos tonight, are there?

The Road
Warriors Vs The Nasty Boys

The story here is that The Nasty Boys are
angry after getting jumped backstage last week and some
of the main suspects are The Road Warriors…why the Road
Warriors would attack them last week only to happily
face them this week is beyond me, but there you go. All
four men brawl on the outside of the ring to begin this
match with no clue as to who the legal men are, but as
we come back from a commercial break Hawk and Jerry Sags
is in the ring, so I guess that means that they're
starting the actual match. Hawk is quickly double teamed
without the referee doing anything to stop them, so who
the fuck knows which members are legal at the moment.
Brian Knobbs gets caught on the top rope by Animal and
punched to the outside as Jerry Sags is sent away by the
ref…which must mean that Knobbs and Hawk are the legal
men…*sigh*. On the outside Sags and Animal starts using
a plastic chair WITHOUT GETTING DISQUALIFIED!? Hawk
starts to pummel Knobbs back in the ring as we learn
that Okerlund is at home with the flu (awwww) and that
he's expected to be back next week (NOOOOOOOOO!), no
word on whether he'll be at Uncensored though, appearing
at a Pay-Per-View with a cough? EXTREEEEME! Everyone
sorta wobbles around the ring and fight each other to
complete crowd apathy until the Steiner Brothers for
some reason comes out and attacks…the Nasty Boys? Well,
I always say that the best way to get back at your
enemies is to…ermm…kick their opponents' asses. During
the confusion, Animal manages to blast Brian Knobbs with
one of his pads like last week and get the pin.

WINNERS: The Road Warriors

After the match, Hawk scuffles a bit with
both Steiners before both parts back off and stare each
other down. By the way, someone in WCW really loved
Black Sabbath's Iron Man because LOD's theme is the
second one I've heard which was modelled after it (the
first one being Vince Russo's in 2000…which I guess
would be the second one, but I heard that one first
so…fuck off).

Well despite this going to be a huge
clusterfuck, I know that it is NOTHING compared to what
they have in store for me at Uncensored (just like last
week). Hogan gets Flair on the outside and puts a green
foam hat on Flair's head which makes him resemble a very
odd wizard of sorts…you know…"the green foam hat, going
around in his underwear" kind of wizard .The heels take
control by using the guard rails and ring posts, but who
am I really kidding, Hogan soon takes control and as
does Savage until Flair and Woman double teams on Macho
Man to take him down…of course that only results in
Hogan having to dominate both Sullivan and Flair with
the aid of the plastic chair from before (I have no idea
if there's a DQ rule in this match). The heels gets a
small thing going for them as they manage to isolate
Savage for roughly 60 seconds and Flair puts him in the
Figure-4. Hogan however puts Sullivan in a Figure-4 of
his own and Savage eventually turns the hold around on
Flair himself who escapes and…pushes the referee? Who
then pushes Flair to the ground!? This is just a
bizarre, messy match and, fuck it, let's jump to the
finish shall we. Arn Anderson comes out and stops Hogan
from hitting the Leg Drop when Brian Pillman jumps the
rail and goes after Savage only to get nailed by
Sullivan…then the bell rings…

WINNERS:…seriously, how the hell am I
supposed to know!?

The Booty Man comes out as chaos continues
to erupt all over the ring area. Arn beckons for someone
to come out, and IT'S FUCKING ZEUS! Holy shit! ()
And…errm…some other fat guy! The faces exits the ring as
the heels enter (errm, isn't it usually the other way
around?) as Tony Schiavone steps in to interview the
Alliance to end Hulkamania. Sullivan says that they
upped the ante by bringing in Z-Gangsta, which is Zeus'
new and, errm, improved name, as well as Arn, Flair,
Sullivan himself and…The Final Solution…errm,
that name is a tad awkward, especially considering that
he's wearing camouflage pants and has a very German look
…at least neither Hogan nor Savage is Jewish. Everyone
rambles about destroying Hogan and Savage on Sunday,
including Sullivan saying "as the spider said to the
fly…welcome to the cage!", which I'm sure makes sense…to
someone…somewhere. Fade to black.

WCW – Aaaah, Good Times: Well I liked Luger's segment actually (I
know!) and The Steiners Vs Public Enemy was pretty good

WCW – WHAT THE HELL WERE THEY THINKING!!!:
The rest of the show. The
main event was a clusterfuck as was the match preceding
it. I can't figure out why they think that chaos like
that is good entertainment, because if anything, the
only thing that it has done is made me dread
Uncensored…good job, you guys, I DREAD THE FUCKING SHOW
YOU'RE TRYING TO SELL ME!

Well, as promised, I will do something new
as I will give you my thoughts on the Pay-Per-View as
promoted and what I think of the storylines and the
matches itself, and finally I will give my predictions
based solely on what I've seen on Nitro:

WCW
Uncensored '96 (the card so far):

Colonel Parker Vs Madusa – Okay, first of all, the match is gonna suck
hard, but even worse…WHY!? We have got zero explanations
as to why these two are facing each other and I think
the result is pretty much a given.

Prediction: Madusa

The Giant Vs Loch Ness – Okay, first of all, the match is gonna suck,
but even worse….WHY!? Loch Ness debuted at Superbrawl by
aligning himself with the Dungeon of Doom. He destroys a
bunch of jobbers…and then turns face? Apparently, he got
kicked out of the Dungeon on an episode of WCW Saturday
Night, which explains why he's facing the Giant, but why
was he kicked out before he got a chance to be pinned by
Hogan?

Prediction: The Giant

The Booty Man Vs Diamond Dallas Page –
I'm getting a bit tired of
saying this, but why the hell do these two guys face
each other? I guess it could be argued that it's because
of Kimberly…but really, what the hell then happened to
Johnny B. Badd? I think he might be going to WWF, but
could you at least use 5 minutes on your flagship
program to explain why DDP is going after Brother Bruti
now? I'll hate this match purely because I think Ed
FUCKING Leslie will defeated by beloved Page.

Chicago Street Fight: The Road Warriors Vs
Sting & Booker T – They
never really mentioned why Booker T is helping Sting,
but yeah…at least it was at one point promoted on
Nitro…that is until Luger bowed out of the match and The
Road Warriors began concentrating on the Steiner
Brothers instead.

Prediction: The Road Warriors

Doomsday Cage Match: The Mega Powers Vs The
Alliance to end Hulkamania – It's definitely gonna be hell to try and
follow the "action" in this match, it sounds confusing
as hell with 4 cages and way too many wrestlers. But I
wonder if not Hogan is going to overcome the odds just
like…every single match before. Ironically despite the
fact that this is the only match that has been solidly
promoted, I still don't really know fully who is
actually in it.

Prediction: HOGAN! HOGAN! HOGAN!...oh, and
Savage too, I guess…

There you have it, doesn't that card just
look…great? Until next time, I'm Esben Evans, and see
you at Uncensored where I will try to refrain myself
from bashing my head in as Hogan destroys over half of
the main event scene.

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).