I agree that letting your husband handle all the unpleasant and inconvenient parts of this is the best way to go. It's easy for him to say yes when he doesn't actually have to deal with the details. I'd be inclined to go all out and let DH and MIL attend the wedding while you stay home and handle the sports event and your work.

I still feel sorry for MIL if she's being pressured into a trip she doesn't really want, though, but I think you have a limited ability to actually stop it.

Do ya really want to know what my 93 year - no brain to mouth filter left MIL said when the wedding recently came up as a topic ? Doesn't matter - maybe I'll be dead by then. (no she is not depressed .... she just matter of factly doesn't like to make plans to far ahead becasue she might be dead ). I actually like her practical no - nonsense manner.

When asked what she would like for her 90th birthday - she didn't know .... she might be dead by then. I replied - OK - I'll be sure to get a gift receipt in case I need to return your gift. her response ... good thinking.. everyone else ..... very horrified at our conversation.

She would seriously be entertaining at a wedding.

She sounds hilarious!

I've written about this elsewhere here, but we had the same type of situation. Our son for now, lives in Tokyo and we were attending his wedding from Kobe, 3.5 hours by bullet train and then a 15 minute taxi ride to the venue. MIL was in Stage 4 or 5 of Alzheimer's (we thought-she's been re-diagnosed but that was the info we were acting on then) , with short-term memory of about 2 minutes plus some sundowning.

MIL really wanted to go, when she could remember about the wedding. As she was physically Ok (she just needed a wheelchair for doctor's visits, shopping etc involving distances) and we just had to worry about the sundowning, we took her. We hired a nurse that we knew, and whom she likes very much, so that we could be in the receiving line, see people off etc and have someone to be with her. Before the trip we had her rest, kept her home from day care (she was going 2x a week to see her old friends) and kept all prep/packing out of sight (so she didn't think she had to 'do something' and get in an anxious mood). She was 84 then. To keep anxiety at a minimum, we didn't have her attend the rehearsal dinner, she had dinner with the nurse so we could keep her on her usual dinner at 5, bed at 8 routine. The morning of the wedding we just took her to get her hair done and then had her rest more.

She did start to sundown right on schedule, in part because they had dimmed the lights in the hall for the newlyweds to come around to each guest table and light a candle...dark isn't good for AD patients in the evening. We handled it with distraction, and lots of hugs and picture taking with the kids when they got to our table. In her hotel room she did have a mini-meltdown as she was past her bed time, and she didn't recognize any of the scenery from her window, but we were able to calm her down. As short as her memory was, for a while afterwards she told people 'I went to my grandson's wedding!'.

POF, your MIL has just some confusion, I think you said, so you would not have to think ahead for tactics to avoid sundowning and things like that. The thing is, as you know, that the elderly get tired from just having their routines changed. If she goes, she should probably attend the wedding, period. A series of events that she has to dress for and be 'on' for (talk to many people, participate in more conversation than she's used to daily) would likely knock her out.

If your MIL wants to go, and if they want her there so badly, they all need to make it possible. We had a nurse, and the hotel staff made someone available to us if we needed help and it was still a bit hectic. Lakehouse Sally and any others insisting that you bring her need to (in my humble opinion) step up and take an active part in MILs attendance, taking turns with her, making a concerted effort not to completely overwhelm her, and to take some of the burden off of you and your DH.

OK - so MIL is going to go - but will room with Sally. DH's other sibling will drive her up on Friday , we will drive her home on Sunday. Sally has agreed to be caretaker and I agreed to help. She actually behaves very well for me and I take the comments with a grain of salt.

DH did tell me that the ceremony is at the top of a mountain and you have to take an aerial tram there. MIL is not going to do that. Neither am I - I will vomit from fear , vertigo and/or motion sickness. ( Another SIL has already said - nope not taking an aerial tram either! ) Plus I think there is a bit of a hike to the site.

So the three of us will find something to do and then attend the reception (which is at the hotel ) . ( I am sure it will be more than three of us - there are several mobility impaired folks who would find this difficult ).

Please keep in mind - I do care about MIL, I was just concerned about being responsible for her in a hotel room and for the entire weekend. I don't mind being on duty for a few hours. DH already booked the rooms and decided to get two rooms - so that he and I can relax a bit away from the teens ( that was a nice surprise ).

Thanks for your advice, I am sure it will get much crazier as the times get closer.

Great update! And I don't think anyone thought you don't care about MIL. In fact, I think you were the only one considering how she might feel at all! Sometimes the kindest thing you can do for someone is say "Nope, I will not participate in that. You're all out of your minds."

Please keep in mind - I do care about MIL, I was just concerned about being responsible for her in a hotel room and for the entire weekend. I don't mind being on duty for a few hours. DH already booked the rooms and decided to get two rooms - so that he and I can relax a bit away from the teens ( that was a nice surprise ).

Thanks for your advice, I am sure it will get much crazier as the times get closer.

We can see how much you care, and she's a happy lady for it, I'm sure! I understand completely. A whole weekend away as sole caregiver would just be too much! That would be really unfair to you, even though you too are close. It's intense to care for an elderly person. The plan sounds excellent, I am really happy for you!

Wait...Have I got this right? She is insisting that MIL attend the wedding that she physically can't get to the ceremony of? Seriously?If it was so important for her to be there, then perhaps the HC should have picked a location that was more accessible.Agree with others who said it sounds like MIL is a wedding ornament!

MOB is supposed to look after her mother during the wedding day? I haven't attended a wedding in a while, but MOB is usually pretty busy as co-host.

This means the secondary person scheduled to look after MIL will really be the primary!

Best of Luck!

That was my first reaction. You've been had, POF. There are 2 people who should be stepping up to the plate instead of you - DH and Sally. So far, DH has effectively dumped her on you because he's going to the top of the mountain, leaving her with you. And by getting 2 rooms, you've left a way for Sally to dump her on you so that she stays in the 2nd room and you get the teens in yours (I'd cancel that second room right now.) And there's no way in e-Hell that Sally is going to be looking after her at all. No one even in normal situations would anyone expect the MOB to do something like this.

Unfortunately, it looks like the update to this one after the wedding (which we fully expect you to provide ) doesn't look like it's going to be good. My betting money is on Sally calling you up and claiming some last minute crisis for the other sibling so that you have to drive her up as well.