Dear Soccer Mom,

Mr. Gaga was an all-star athlete. He was drafted. He once led NY State in hitting a baseball.

He and his parents never behaved like you maniacs.

The irony is not lost on me that the term “Soccer Mom” refers to a middle-class suburban woman who spends a significant amount of her time transporting her school-age children to their youth sporting events or other activities. But take note, it’s not called a “Baseball mom.” It’s not called a “Gymnastics mom.” It’s not even a “Football Mom.”

Now I understand why America has chosen the term “soccer” as the preface for the douchiest moms in the US.

Is it perhaps because soccer people are the douchiest on the planet?

It started with the “try-out.”

I stood in the pouring rain so that my son could “try-out” for your precious travel team. We all stood on the sidelines ruining our shoes in the mud while our children danced around with soccer balls in a Nor’easter.

I peered out for 2 hours watching my child try his best despite the weather, and saw that not ONE person who was in charge of “accessing the children” even looked his way. Nobody even had a clipboard or a pen – to pretend as though they were taking notes. I am assuming this is because the teams were already chosen, and this so-called “try-out” was a farce.

The soccer “try-out” is just a technicality that has to be performed to pacify the masses.

I know you “Soccer Moms” who have an “in” are happy to stand in the rain and cheer for your children – but we aren’t fucking stupid. We know that this is a bunch of political bullshit.

At the end of all of this “pretend trying out,” the “coaches” called all of the parents and children onto the field.

A man who apparently believes himself to be Lionel Messi, declared that he only wanted “soccer players.” He shouted out to the crowd, “If you love baseball, then play baseball! I only want soccer players!”

What a fucking dick.

These children are 9.

This is not Argentina.

Calm down.

When I got into my car with my sweaty, muddy child, I turned to him and broke the news.

“You will not make the travel team.” I said calmly as we pulled away from the field.

“Why not?” he demanded. He had played his heart out. He was bigger and stronger and faster than many of the children that were playing.

“You won’t make it – because not one “coach” even looked your way for 2 solid hours.”

He couldn’t understand and nor could I explain or rationalize the behavior of grown-ass adults pretending that they are recruiting players for the World Cup – when in fact they are washed up old men in suburban Connecticut looking at 9 and 10-year-old soccer players.

We moved forward and signed up for our town “rec” league.

Here we were met with less intense and somewhat more coddling and bizarre behaviors.

I received an email request from the “Team Mom” for cut-up oranges at half-time. I had to put down my pizza and vodka to die with laughter.

I’m sorry – are the children going to get scurvy from all of this ball dribbling?

Is it because they ran 30 yards a couple of times in the fresh air of Connecticut? Are they going to die? Are they going to throw up?

Are they going to be sad??

I mean – if I am being completely honest –

Unless Johnny Depp has come and held my child hostage for a significant amount of time on some sort of pirate ship – I ain’t cutting up any citrus fruits…..

This child needs oranges for sure…this child is in some deep shit.

Fuck off.

I am not cutting an orange…..

Ever.

Maybe.

Maybe…..I will fill a water bottle for my child.

Maybe…..I will remember it and not leave it on the kitchen counter.

That’s the best we can hope for

Did you also know that of all of the varsity highschool players in the US – less than 10 percent of them will get a soccer scholarship?

Do you think that your little angel is going to be one of those 8 percenters?

Keep cutting up those oranges!! You might make it happen with vitamin C alone!!

In closing, I am happy that I am not a “soccer mom.” I am happy that there are women like you who seem to enjoy this role.

And thank you for making it very clear to all of us – what your actual identity is…in case we missed your “Cut-up oranges email.”

Thank you.

Yours truly,

Lady Goo Goo Gaga

YOU KNOW YOU HAVE TO SHARE THIS ON FACEBOOK SO ALL OF THE SOCCER MOMS CAN SEND ME HATE MAIL!!! XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA

Wow, I don’t know where you live that people behave that way. I’ve played for almost 20 years, and my daughter has since she was 3. I’ve never witnessed anything even close to this. Soccer in our area is competitive but fun. But, you know, thanks for the jabs

I had a friend that was once asked to provide a 6′ subway sandwich to the team during soccer practice. I laughed for days…..she did it (the sucker that she is) but I found that sooo ridiculous!! Keep these blogs coming!! They make me laugh and shake my head in agreement each and every time!!

Love this. I live in the south where football is a religion. This is the same experience we had with football. After the ridiculous and expensive season where we had 6 coaches for 8 year olds, I vowed never again. After losing every game where only the coaches sons got to play most of the time, I blasted the the whole coaching squad in the end of season survey. We actually switched to soccer. I don’t drive a minivan, don’t have any bumper stickers or window stickers about soccer and don’t do travel teams. Thankfully, we no longer have to do the “healthy” snack thing anymore for practices. Hello, they only ran around for an hour. Go home and eat dinner. Snacks after games were often chips and sodas or doughnuts. Seriously! I brought grapes, string cheese and water and some of the little sh*ts complained that they wanted Doritos. That was the last snack I ever brought. Grown ups always seem to ruin sports for kids.

As a newer “WeHa mom” (raised far from this galaxy), I have tried to explain your bitchin’ humor to my friends outside of this box we live in.. It’s truly an experience one must live before understanding. Your critics just don’t get IT! Keep it up though.. word is spreading! 😉

I also have noted the intense commentary, let us say, that some parents keep up on the sidelines for my son’s travel team. Much more than basketball and baseball. That must really help their children, screaming at them especially when they make a mistake. I am sure they were not aware of what they did wrong and appreciate the negative feedback. Must be especially helpful for young kids 5-9 in terms of helping them to appreciate team sports.

There is a lot of research that shows that kids should not be doing just one sport. They will either get injured or burn out.

OMG – loved your blog after the first few posts I read, but now that I know you’re in the same state, it’s even better!! I heart you – you’re writing is like reading my internal dialogue. Sometimes I want to sit in my car until the games are over. I’m thrilled that my son has decided to stop soccer after this season and focus on swimming. I’m also so sad that he’s giving it up becasue he’s “just not good enough, Mom” at the tender age of 12. Keep on blogging – you’re the real deal!

Soccer Moms are well, crazy. I was a football mom for 9 years and finally those kids graduated moved out of the house and I have found peace (and a clean smelling car…) So true. I was a soccer mom for 6 seconds and realized, I am just not good enough to cut oranges and fake like I care. Love your blog!

This is the most hilarious yet accurate thing I have ever read on this topic! My kids never made a “travel team” all those years ago and they both ended up playing sports at the D-1 level at great schools on academic scholarships! We called those crazy mothers the mother mafia!