Top 10 Home Truths about Big Bubbies

We all know big bubbies exist in the chest area, unlike fully grown angry wombats. But the end result is much the same…

This is a wombat. Sometimes your bubbies can grow to this size and that is unfortunate.

Bubbies. We all know they exist but, unless you have them, you don’t know all too much about them. And, if you do have them, you… well, you still don’t know all too much about them, to be honest. They’re there, making clothes shopping a nightmare, making scaffolding and underwiring a big part of your getting ready in the mornings and giving you constant cause for concern.

Here’s 10 home truths about bubbies, from one who knows…

1) Bra shopping can be an utterly soul-destroying experience.

As a girl of the larger breasted variety (that sounds like a new species of badger, doesn’t it?), I’ve often stood in the middle of the M&S lingerie department, close to tears and squeezing compulsively on a tiny ball of cotton underwear that I’ll have picked up along the way.

I’m a 30G. It’s not something I’ve done on purpose, it just kinda happened to turn out that way. And if you EVER go searching for anything above a D cup in a mainstream shop, you’re in for a world of beige despair. Yeah, beige. That’s the standard colour for big boobed women in M&S, y’know. You’ll also find the straps aren’t the delicate little lovely things you see in the movies – they’re hefty, thicker than your finger and made of hardcore elastic. The band, likewise, isn’t a simple 1-clasp ping-off thing. It’s a THREE-CLASP OH-MY-GOD-IT-WILL-NEVER-COME-OFF-AGAIN-EVER type thing. And the least said about the cups, the better.

It’s basically come down to shopping online or sneaking into M&S on a weekday, when stock is fresh in, and bulk buying anything that doesn’t make me sick in my mouth. That’s what it’s come down to.

2) Dress shopping can also be an utterly soul-destroying experience.

You want strapless, backless or something else incredibly fancy? THINK AGAIN, BIG BOOBED WOMEN! Short of lacing yourself into a corset (and I highly recommend lacing yourself into a corset, at least once, for funsies), there’s very little scaffolding available to support your whimsical dress fancies. So step away from the homemade Daenerys Targaryen gown, love – it probably isn’t going to work.

3) People make an immediate first impression based on your bubbies.

Which sounds weird, but it’s 100% true. If you go out for an evening in something tight, or something a little low cut but not VERY low cut, and you have larger than average breasts, the majority of men will think you’re well up for it. I spend a lot of time in clubs with my arms crossed. Or shouting into over-enthusiastic faces.

4) Women are obsessed by them.

And I’m not kidding here – women with smaller bubbies (I’ve got nothing against you here, ladies!) are kinda intrigued by the big bubby world. They’ll either adopt an air of indifference, make pointed comments about cleavage or praise you. I’ve been met with all three, over the years. A woman has grabbed my breasts in an elevator to see if they’re real (don’t do this to anybody, it really freaks them out) and another came up to me in a public restroom and said “Oh my god, they’re bigger than my FACE!” before, ahem, proving her point and shoving her inebriated face into them. Which was a weird experience.

Secret truth… if you have big bubbies, little women pop out.

5) Sports bras are, depending on your mood, instruments of torture or a gift from god.

Getting them on is hard work (“BREATHE IN! SUCK. IT. IN. DAMN IT, WHY WON’T YOU CLASP, SHE-DEMON?”), but running in them – or jumping up and down – is an endless source of amusement. They wibble about, sure, but they don’t wibble as much. Which means I can go running, if I really want to.

I never really want to.

6) The clasp is a source of endless mystery.

I don’t know many girls who actually put a bra on and do it up at the back. Why are the clasps even ON the back? It makes no sense. My arms and eyes are geared to, y’know, the other direction. Which means I spend my time doing clasps up round my tummy, facing me, then attempting to swivel them up and round into the correct position. Hard, thirsty work.

Getting them off is trickier. Flayed arms, coming in at right angles, fingertips hopelessly scrabbling at a seemingly inpenetrable gate… it’s probably the main reason we have a plus one in our lives. Otherwise we’d be constantly buying new bras, to replace the ones we’ve gnawed off.

7) Bubbies grow hairs. Causing… well, hairy bubbies.

It’s a thing that happens, that we like to pretend doesn’t happen, but it’s true. Every now and then, you’ll be lying in the bath, possibly reading A Clash Of Kings, when you’ll suddenly become aware of a few sprouting black hairs. Nobody tells you about this when you’re growing up. Nobody mentions it. It just… it’s just something we have to figure out for ourselves. It’s normal. It’s normal – and, yes, ripping them out in terror is also (presumably) normal.

Lumps and bumps are normal. As is a less than symmetrical duo. Always, obviously, check them (and don’t even get me started on checking them) on a regular basis for changes. But be aware that, at different times in your cycle, those bubbies can become very different mammary glands to the ones you once knew. They can become sore, heavy and feel a little like they’ve been filled with cement when you’re pre-menstrual / about to go on the blob, which is a constant source of woe. Stomach pains AND bubby pains? Cruel world, why must you hit us women with so many punishments. We don’t even LIKE apples anymore.

9) You can’t suck bubbies in. Don’t try it.

You can have a teeny tiny waist and a flat-as-a-pancake tummy, but if you’re a size 10 downstairs and a G cup upstairs, be aware you’re buying a dress size up. The amount of times I’ve got dresses and tops stuck on my head in changing rooms is ridiculous. I’ve probably spent more time self-blindfolded than not, by this point in my life.

10) Buttons are the work of the devil.

Gaping shirts never look very professional, but you know what’s worse? Taking a deep breath before a presentation and watching two of your carefully done-up buttons explode off of your shirt and onto the floor. Yeah.

To stop little women popping out of your bubbies, stand next to Klingons.

Bubbies are hard work. They shouldn’t change people’s perceptions of you, you shouldn’t feel obliged to wear roll-neck jumpers on a regular basis (girls with zero cleavage get away with murder) and you shouldn’t waste time wishing you were bigger or smaller – everyone has their own bubby-related problems. You CAN be a feminist with bubbies, you don’t have to take people ogling you on the street and you don’t have to be ashamed of them ever. You can be proud of them (why not, eh?) but, to be honest, you can be bloody indifferent if you really want to – nobody puts this much thought into their forearms or chin, do they?

Editor’s Note

One word: Bravissimo. I’d hug you, but there’s no point because 96% of our bodies would never meet so we wouldn’t be doin it right.