The Mourner's Bill of Rights

by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.

Though you should reach out to others as you do the work of mourning,
you should not feel obligated to accept the unhelpful responses you
may receive from some people. You are the one who is grieving, and
as such, you have certain "rights" no one should try to take away from you.

The following list is intended both to empower you to heal
and to decide how others can and cannot help. This is not to discourage
you from reaching out to others for help, but rather to assist you in
distinguishing useful responses from hurtful ones.

1. You have the right to experience your own unique grief.

No one else will grieve in exactly the same way you do. So, when you
turn to others for help, don't allow them to tell what you should or
should not be feeling.

2. You have the right to talk about your grief.

Talking about your grief will help you heal. Seek out others who will
allow you to talk as much as you want, as often as you want, about
your grief. If at times you don't feel like talking, you also have
the right to be silent.

3. You have the right to feel a multitude of emotions.

Confusion, disorientation, fear, guilt and relief are just a few of the
emotions you might feel as part of your grief journey. Others may try
to tell you that feeling angry, for example, is wrong. Don't take these
judgmental responses to heart. Instead, find listeners who will accept
your feelings without condition.

4. You have the right to be tolerant of your physical and emotional limits.

Your feelings of loss and sadness will probably leave you feeling fatigued.
Respect what your body and mind are telling you. Get daily rest. Eat
balanced meals. And don't allow others to push you into doing things
you don't feel ready to do.

5. You have the right to experience "griefbursts."

Sometimes, out of nowhere, a powerful surge of grief may overcome you.
This can be frightening, but is normal and natural. Find someone who understands
and will let you talk it out.

6. You have the right to make use of ritual.

The funeral ritual does more than acknowledge the death of someone loved.
It helps provide you with the support of caring people. More importantly,
the funeral is a way for you to mourn. If others tell you the funeral or
other healing rituals such as these are silly or unnecessary, don't listen.

7. You have the right to embrace your spirituality.

If faith is a part of your life, express it in ways that seem appropriate
to you. Allow yourself to be around people who understand and support your
religious beliefs. If you feel angry at God, find someone to talk with who
won't be critical of your feelings of hurt and abandonment.

8. You have the right to search for meaning.

You may find yourself asking, "Why did he or she die? Why this way? Why now?"
Some of your questions may have answers, but some may not. And watch out for
the clichéd responses some people may give you. Comments like, "It was God's
will" or "Think of what you have to be thankful for" are not helpful and you
do not have to accept them.

9. You have the right to treasure your memories.

Memories are one of the best legacies that exist after the death of
someone loved. You will always remember. Instead of ignoring your memories,
find others with whom you can share them.

10. You have the right to move toward your grief and heal.

Reconciling your grief will not happen quickly. Remember, grief is a process,
not an event. Be patient and tolerant with yourself and avoid people who are
impatient and intolerant with you. Neither you nor those around you must forget
that the death of someone loved changes your life forever.