Should I stay with my addicted or alcoholic husband?

Are you the wife of an alcoholic or addict? Comment below and provide your email for a chance to win Michelle’s Love Over Addiction program. We want to hear from you!

Choosing to stay with an addicted spouse

By Michelle Lisa Anderson

It is so difficult to watch the man you love slowly kill himself. You love him deeply and the idea of ever leaving him seems almost impossible. What would you do without him? Where would you go? How would you survive? And besides, isn’t that cruel? To turn your back on someone who is slowly killing themselves.

Besides, he is not bad all the time. Every now and then you see a glimmer of hope of he man you feel in love with. The charming, thoughtful, and kind man you know he was created to be. How could you walk away from the man you know he can become?

Here is the truth: you can’t leave him. Not really. But you know in your soul that being with him is damaging yours. You have family and friends telling you to leave him and asking you, “How can you put up with that?”. And a part of you knows they are right. Because in those dark moments of despair when he lies passed out or didn’t come home again, you feel crazy for staying.

You can’t leave him because you are still protecting him. You still pick up after him, do his laundry, make his appointments. Everyday you balance the role of mother and lover, depending on his mood and needs.

And his needs always come first. When he is upset or angry – you stop everything to take care of him. To nurture him. A part of you loves to feel needed., to pick up the pieces for him hoping to get some recognition and an apology.

Start your own recovery

So don’t leave. Not today or even tomorrow. Forgive yourself for not doing what everyone is telling you to do, and stay with him. Keep loving him. But if you ever want to be able to feel some sense of self worth you must start your own recovery and end co-addiction.

He is not the only one who needs treatment. His drinking and drug use is not just his issue to solve. It’s yours too. You are codependent. And that makes you an enabler. Don’t believe me? When you nag him or yell at him – you are feeding this horrible disease that is taking over your life. You are enabling. When you give him the silent treatment and refuse to talk to him until he tells you what you want to hear – you are enabling.

Yes, you are sick too. And anyone who has spent one second in your shoes would be too. This is an awful disease that takes over the life’s of the man who is drinking and using drugs and from those who love him. If you are asking yourself when to leave an addict, the answer might be that it’s time for you to get help.

You are not alone and there is hope for a bright, joyful future. But if you want different results you must start making different choices. Your health and spiritually must come first. When you start setting healthy boundaries your self-esteem will improve. It’s important to remember your dreams and

So, let’s agree that we are not going to focus on staying or leaving because we both know that it’s just not that simple. Instead, let’s choose to put our needs, dreams and health first. Let’s focus on ourselves and not his drinking. Make a commitment that your recovery will come first. You can’t control if he drinks or uses drugs but you can control your reactions.

Stay or leave?

Please leave your story or questions about living with an addicted husband below. We’ll do our best to respond to you personally and promptly.

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66 Responses to “Should I stay with my addicted or alcoholic husband?”

Tulip Dsouza

5:57 pm August 2nd, 2013

have stayed-been through the rehab therapy and family meetings n in addition I am a nurse- so I Didn’t Do What others advised me to do- I used tough love n showed myself to be tougher- but in the end internally I am left hurting more than ever- everytime his siblings help him out financially n also pay for his treatments n when he is out n sober- it is me n our 2 (now) teenage children who have 2 pretend like everything has been wiped clean n all is right with the world.I am concentrating now more on ‘myself’ n ot what pple expect of me- the questions i am asked -are you working yet? not got a job yet? heck with so many yrs away frm my job as a nurse if i am not offered a post when i apply for a job -is it my fault?! I stay busy doing all myhousework,looking after my children’s needs and this experience has got me growing spiritually -so i am involved in community work and church activities—Anything I am doing wrong? Anything more I should be doing? our marital relationship is not repaired- simply because once he is out of rehab- he does not go through the 12 steps prog that involve ‘making good with those we hurt”- so I can’t force him n just focus on seeing my children heal so that their future is not scarred by all they have had to see n endure- Have no questions just want to say I AM THERE FOR EACH ONE GOING THROUGH THIS and praying that each one will see that day when all the advise given to codependents will not just be advise but will be a truth we can work through and find peace for ourselves.God bless all who work in suipport teams and family Anon

Rina

3:53 pm August 6th, 2013

Almost eleven years of loving an alcoholic. He started drinking heavily when he moved to his parents’ farm, with which they requested his help, and I stayed in the county where we both had lived. I didn’t see it developing, had no experience with alcoholism.

We got engaged and I thought the heavy drinking would slow when we married and I moved to the farm, with intentions to buy it and provide for his family. That never happened. Eventually, I learned to see the codependency in his family and we moved, after eight years, a few miles away.

Last year, my denial shattered. I have spent hours in counseling and attend Al-Anon meetings. I am finishing a college course on alcohol and other addictions. I am completing certification in teaching yoga to recovering addicts and their loved ones. Though my finances and credit score have taken a huge hit, I hope to be able to earn my PsyD in psychology, a life goal. My highest priority is taking care of our children and raising them to be healthy which, of course, means becoming healthier myself.

Kyzcy Hawk ‘s recent blog post led me here and I am so glad.

Jyude

8:22 pm August 9th, 2013

Everything is vibrational energy & when someone remains with another who exhibits addictive energy, it affects everything around the addict. Leaving my x-husband even though I still loved him brought me a greater peace and love of myself. It was the best gift I could have allowed myself to receive.

Michelle Lisa Anderson

12:53 am August 15th, 2013

Tulip,

I am so sorry for you pain. Two teenage children and an alcoholic husband. You must feel exhausted. Do you know that nurses are one of the top two professions for codependency? It makes sense when you think about it.

So, it sounds like you are on the right track. You are volunteering, growing spiritually, and taking responsibility for your actions. Well Done!

I will be praying for you Tulip!

Michelle Lisa Anderson

Michelle Lisa Anderson

1:00 am August 15th, 2013

Rina,

I LOVE your comment. You sound like such a strong and courageous woman! Your PsyD – how fantastic!! I am sure you will be an inspiration to many. I would love to send you my program FOR FREE called Love Over Addiction. It has every tool, technique and helpful tip I learned in therapy, al anon, research and meeting with top rehabilitation facilities. I hope you find it helpful Rina.

Again, well done! Look at how something that seemed so bad turned out to be a blessing.

Michelle Lisa Anderson

Michelle Lisa Anderson

1:02 am August 15th, 2013

Jyude,

I remember feeling such freedom leaving him once and for all. I am so glad you feel the same.

Michelle Lisa Anderson

Rina

5:54 am August 16th, 2013

Michelle, I’d very much like to read/listen/learn your work. Thank you for the kind offer! I am taking the semester off of class to clarify some financial things and work out aid details. This would be a perfect time to add some personal time. ~Rina

Michele

1:16 am September 7th, 2013

My husband is addicted to Crack. He was for 30 years. (before I knew him) He is now 55. I am soon to be 55. When I met him 3 years ago, he had been clean for 5 years. I didn’t even know he was addicted to anything, After a couple weeks of seeing him, he told me of his past. He also told me that he would NEVER let himself get back into his addiction again, I was so Naive to the drug world that I believed him. I was never a drug user. He asked me to marry him and I did. For the first year he was fine. Worked hard and came right home after work. No sign of any problems. After one year of marriage, he got back into his addiction. He doesn’t care what it costs us. After he gets high, he knows I am angry with him and makes all kinds of promises and acts like he is really sorry. He also says he doesn’t know why he does it and that he hates himself for it.

He was away most of the week for work and stated all week that he just wanted to be home with me. He gets away from work today and you would think he would hurry home to me, but nope, he went and bought crack and got high. Now he is angry with me because “I have an attitude”. I want out of all this so bad. i want to buy a new home. i work my butt of for it and I can’t have it because he spends alot of money on crack. We make alot of money from my business. (He works in the business) but we barely save anything because he spends about $400.00 -$600.00 everytime he goes. He does it about once or twice a week.

I don’t want drugs in my world. He knew how I felt about that before we became engaged an promised me it would never happen. My father was an alcoholic and I couldn’t stand that.. I grew up in an unstable home becuase of my father and now I have to deal with my husband’s addiction. I love him but I want out of all this. Am I wrong? People tell me this is a disease. If he had a another disease would I leave hm. No, but I feel drugs and alcohol are very different. I also have a hard time buying it that this is a disease. To me a disease is something that just happens to you beyond your control. Addiction to alcohol or drugs is a choice that they made.

Hi Michele. I suggest that you speak with an addictions counselor to sort out your feelings and to create a plan. You can then plan an intervention and set boundaries: your husband should seek help or you’re out of there.

Cheryl B.

3:02 am October 25th, 2013

I’ve been married to my husband almost 23yrs, my husband recently got out of treatment in July 2013 but has relapse for the past 3 weeks of continuous drinking. Last night we talked for a good hour and he basically said that he does not want to stop drinking and that I need to decide if I want to stay married to him that I would have to accept his drinking and not nag him cause it causes him anxiety and stress. We both suffer from depression and are medicated. Today I found him bitter, angry and severely depressed after him drinking 6 beers while I was at work. I honestly don’t know what to do. A part of me thinks I should leave and the other part of me wants to stay. We fight constantly, we fight about our pasts and his affairs. What should I do?

jane

1:12 am November 14th, 2013

Quite honestly.. if someone will leave you because your an addict or if you will leave someone because they are an addict then there was never love, just lust. Ive been on both sides amazingly and addiction can actually be a good thing to make your 2 halves a whole. It inspires soul searching but at the end of the day if you cant or refuse to stop then the person must accept it as part of you or leave. Addiction is not a choice.. make no mistake. Its a terrible life destroying disease.. but the addict did not choose to addicted

Nicki

9:43 pm February 17th, 2014

I have been married for over 9 years to an opiate addict. He was not an addict when we married or when we had our son. This has been over the past 4 years that he has become an addict. In the beginning it got so bad that he stole all of my jewelry and other personal items and pawned them for money for pills. He has been to detox 3 or 4 times, meetings, jail and rehab. I am not sure he has ever made it a year clean but, he always goes back. I would not ever question staying or leaving if I did not have a son with this man. I have no love or respect left for him and probably never will but, I do not want to hurt my son. He now after 3 years of not working or helping pay bills has a job. He keeps money for his pills but, does help pay bills now. I do my own thing, just earned my associates and am working on my bachelors, I also work two jobs and take care of my 8 year old. The only enabling I do is not throwing him out on his but, I do not dwell on what he does and doesn’t do, I think about it but, I never let it stop me from what I want in life and who I want to be. At this point I am not sure if my son would be better off without him or is that wishful thinking on my part. My son comes first, I do not need someone in my life to succeed and make me happy, I do just fine on my own with my son.

Michele

3:59 pm February 18th, 2014

My husband and I found a WONDERFUL place for him to get treatment and he is there now by the Grace of God. The place he is at is all Christian Based. We are both Christians so we wanted a place that would not just “dry him out” and turn him loose. This place is a 4 month BIBLE based addiction recovery and IT WORKS!! So many men who have graduated from there have been clean and sober for many years. Their marriages have been restored also. I am so very happy and see a major change in my husband after only 35 days. He will be there until May 11th, when he graduates. They have a program called “Woman of Character” for the wives of these men too. We don’t stay there but they work with us and counsel us also, if we want it. That part is our choice but I am doing the Woman of Character Program and it is very good. I am finding things out about myself and my eyes are opened to the fact that I am not perfect and some of the things I need to change to make my husband succeed in staying clean. Addictions come in many forms not just drugs or Alcohol. We ALL have addictions. Maybe they are not “illegal” ones but we all have them. I love this prgram and the people who run it. I wouldn’t want my husband anywhere else. I have now moved away from the idea of divorce and we are restoring our marriage. One thing I have found out in all this is how much my husband truly loves me and how much I truly love him. With the drugs gone he is an incredible person. But I always knew that deep down inside. This program is NOT easy. It is VERY intense and they take all distractive things away. The program is FREE except for an application fee of $240.00. They do put the men on a work program while they are there.. I think it kind of makes them “earn their keep” but it also keeps them busy instead of them sitting around like they are in a hospital. My husband LOVES it there and LOVES what it is doing for him and for “us”. They have a VERY high success rate. I went to visit my husband for the first time in 33 days and I could hardly recognize his personality. He is so different but in a very good way. I am so very proud of him. He agreed to go there very easily. He did want the help. The place he is at is called America’s Keswick. It is in New Jersey. No secular program can do what this program does. My husband has done a couple “regular” rehabs and they failed. I know other people who have done them too and they are EXTREMELY expensive and the only stayed clean for a short time and are “back to it” again. When I was at America’s Keswick this past weekend I saw and met NUMEROUS couples where the husband had addictions for so many years and have now been drug and alcohol free for years since their graduation. And the great thing is they actually say this miss America’s Keswick and the people there so they come back to visit and stay for weekends. it is also a Christian Retreat Center and Campground so people that have been through the recovery program bring their families back for little vacations. I can’t say enough about it. I am just so happy we found it and my husband is FINALLY getting the help he needs and so am I. I miss him so much and cannot wait to stand next to him at his graduation.

Samanth

4:27 am March 24th, 2014

Oh my god.. These stories are so sad. And really put the past 10 years of my life with a drunk into perspective. My husband has been an ‘alcohol addict’ since he was a teen. he’s now 40. We met when I was 15, and he was 30. I really didn’t know how to deal with what was going on with him and we ended up going on a crazy roller coaster ride for the past 10 years due to his ‘addiction’. I’ll trl you what though, he would start and stop drinking when he wanted. It might be a strong urge but these people either have a conscience and willpower or thr Don’t. It’s taken me this long to realize it, thru living this horrible life, that my husband was too selfish to do what he needed to do for himself and his family. Anyone who stays with these pieces of Crap are choosing to make noth only their lives as miserable as the addict’s, but dragging their children thru a horrible upbringing that will no doubt give them serious psychological issues later in life. Eeryone I have Ever known that grew up in one of these households, grew up resenting their parent for their weakness and staying, not having enough love for themself and their child and giving them a Better life..and these kids either grow up and become addicts themselves or grow up thinking its normal to live with one. I left my addicy a month ago and I never knew I could feel so alive and liberated and free, and that there’s still hope. You can still love these addicts, but you’re stupid to stay with them. You only live ONCE. Dont waste your life like these idiots.

Elizabeth

2:42 pm March 25th, 2014

My husband and I have been together for 14 years and he have been married for 11 years. We have 3 children together. He has been addicted to weed for over 20 years (smoked 24-7). During our marriage I have asked him stop on many occasions. I have tried to enlist the help of his friends and family (no one really helped though; they offered some suggestions, but mainly laughed it off). In addition, to his weed addiction, he has been verbally and emotionally abusive (and a few times physical). He also has had on-line affairs and emotional affairs with various women. He has also been fired for $exu@l harassment. I have stuck by him through all of it. However, in January, I told him I could no longer live with his pot-smoking and it was putting me and our children in danger. He did not handle the news well and he became very self-destructive and abusive. He threatened suicide on several occasions, he has spread nasty rumors about me, gossiped to everyone we know (including my safe zones…..my work and my family) and was extremely verbally and emotionally abusive. He created a new bank account for himself and took money out of ours and he also contacted several lawyers. His family is full of attorneys so they drafted several threatening separation agreements and shared parenting agreements. His family was not supportive of me at all and bullied me. Finally, after seeing a text to another woman that was flirty I had reached my boiling point. In response to me finding the text, he cut his chest about 25 times with a pocket knife. After a long dramatic 3 months he has decided to go to rehab. During these three months, I have attended counseling, read books, attended A-ALON meetings and I am going to peer groups and counseling for domestically abused woman. I was ready to meet with a lawyer but my counselor has suggested I wait until after he goes through rehab to file for divorce. I don’t feel like I want to stand by his side anymore. There has been so much damage. I am not sure my feelings for him will ever return. He is begging me to stay with him and is very much in love with me. I told him I would not meet with a lawyer until after he returned from rehab and after a month of being separated. I am not sure this is something I want to do. I feel like getting on my with my life but I feel selfish for feeling this way. I have been taking care of him for so long now.

D

3:42 pm May 7th, 2014

I have no choice but to leave. He is physically, emotionally, verbally and financially abusive. I have $20 in my accounts although our combined income is over $100,000. I reached out to my parents but they are devout Christians and are encouraging me to stay with him and have him seek treatment. He has sought some treatment but he still drinks. At this time, I am seeking affordable housing as he will not leave our home.

Alisa Edwards

6:33 am June 1st, 2014

I have been with a drug addict/alcoholic for 12 years. We are not married but we have 5 kids together. I am so drained. I have had this battle of do I leave or stay for 9 years now. He has gotten alot better than he used to be. He used to use everyday. Now its once to three times a week, but he refuses to get help. I love him with all of my heart, but recently he has started to make me feel worthless and ugly. I moved from my home town 1500 miles away to be with him in hopes that when we moved he would change. He didn’t. Now I am all the way up in New York with his family and I have been contemplating whether or not to take the kids and go back to TN with my family. I am so confused and lost, I need help. I don’t know what the right decision is for my children.

parkeragain

1:59 pm June 5th, 2014

Oh my how life repeats itself. I was previously married to a wonderful man who at the ripe age of 40 decided he was depressed. Was diagnosis with clinical depression and given Prozac. After feeling like the depression was over he decided to mix alcohol with the prozax he quickly turned into a bi-polar state. He had previously drank for many years and was a dry drunk for 7 years prior to this episode. I was attending alanon during this time. Long story shortened . After a total of 18 years I left. Mainly due to what he was putting our son and daughter through. I raised the children on my own for the next 10 years. It did feel good to leave he never recovered and passed away last december in the street totally alone. A very smart wonderful husband and father when he wasnt drinking. Moving fast forward to today. I am living the same story. Just found out my husband of almost 8 years has been hiding alcohol,zanax you name it and using. Yes, there has been episodes I questioned and his past remarks of the ex and how she projected her past alcoholic issues on him. However, in my blindness I couldnt believe that this was happening to me AGAIN! He had a small in house accident and hadnt been the same I mentioned I thought he was depressed…he ended up on effexor and mixed all with the alcohol. I travel a lot with my job and have the entire marriage. I know he was binging during these times of separation. He has willingly on his own plan entered an out patient rehab. I attended the family session this past monday. 95 % are parents I felt so stupid. A part of me is so angry at WHY am I staying? I cant even bring myself to return to alanon. I know in my very pit of my stomach he is going to return to drinking and I am setting that as my boundary now but I know I am not ready to leave. I know what happened to the person I left last time. Thanks for letting me vent

lindsey

11:33 pm June 5th, 2014

Reading the above actually brought me to tears. It hit very close to home. My husband is an addict. He likes pills, pot, and booze. We have had low points with all 3. There is also probably more I am just oblivious to. I trust him. I believe him everytime. My husband just got done with 4 months of rehab at a mental facility for vetrans. He is working a program at the VA. Today he told me he wants to go out for a few beers after work with his co-workers. And all is see is all of that hard work all of that pushing through all of the crying and fighting go out the window. He is mad at me for my negative reaction. So he will for sure go. He’s not mad though the addiction is mad because I’m common sense talking. I am 5 months pregnant with our second child (yes I know why would I get pregnant with an addict) we are living in my parents basement. My husband still has a warrant out for the last time he hit rock bottom. I am terrified nothing I say or do will be the right thing. I 2 any to badly to have a healthy relationship. I love my husband and our son loves him. I have no idea how to grab hold of my life and make things better for our family. I am constantly waiting for him to lead his family. Waiting for him to look at me again like I am someone to be with. I am tired of crying myself to sleep and feeling so alone.

Sabrina

5:31 pm June 10th, 2014

So I have already decided I am staying and I have been doing lots of research, attending Alanon n seeking help anywhere I can get it as I am suffering. But I am struggling as I am new to it all, the admitting, on boundaries. My alcoholic is and has been in past controlling, verbally and physically abusive. At some point I became all of those things as well in the heat of the moment. But I recognized that I sling insults when I’ve asked a million times that he stop or apologize and I just hit that point where my anger gets to me n I sling one back. Or I pushed him the other day when he kept calling me names. It was the first time I have ever put my hands on someone n I am so appalled at myself that I started researching n looking for help n soul searching which led me to realize I am co-deoendent. So I am trying to fix myself. I realize I gave him control and I allow the abuse. So I set boundaries. We live together with our infant daughter and my elder daughter. So I told him that if he verbally abuses me or physically

Sabrina

5:42 pm June 10th, 2014

Sorry my phone froze. I told him if he verbally, physically, economically or emotionally abuses me that he needs to leave the home and we will not see or talk to him until he can respect my boundaries. Now my question is, I changed the locks some time ago so when he leaves he cannot come home unless I say, am I setting too strict of boundaries? Cuz I have read that going from one extreme to the other is still co-dependency. Also am I being controlling as I am not allowing him access to his child, dog or belongings? He has been staying at his parents for some time,months, on and off while this has been going on. 6 months to be exact, so he has quite a bit of belongings over there. N I block him n refuse to talk to him in between though that’s a newer thing. I used to demand apologies n allow him to call me more names n anxiety n blow up n just let him get to me. Am I being unkind by ignoring him? Am I doing the boundary right? In a way yes I’m trying to control his behavior, cuz he shouts I’m just trying to control him, my rules my world no one else has a say, but I’ve only set these boundaries cuzive read I’ve allowed the abuse n the only way to make him respect me is to stand my ground. Cuz if I don’t respect me he never will. No know it still may not change him but this is the hill I’m willing to die on. I will leave over this, love him or not. But then I keep thinking but I’ve started controlling him too here at the end. Demanding apologies, searching his phone n car, yelling n screaming, threatening him back when threatened. So how can I say I wont tolerate this when I do? I am trying not to. No succeed most days but I’m human n fail others. So shouldn’t I give him that same benefit of the doubt?

Parkeragain

2:55 pm June 11th, 2014

Wow it is so amazing what we are willing to live with when we love someone isn’t it? The question I believe we need to ask ourselves is “Do we love ME?” As in really love ourselves. We state that we love this addict and believe we are the co dependent who we have allowed to rule our life. If that is so, and we know what type of life we are allowing our ME to live … we need to stand up for ME. It all boils down to what are we really willing to live with? My husband had a positive drug test at our group counseling session last night. We were called aside after the group session for the counselor to consult with us regarding this topic. While awaiting the news I asked my husband if there is something he needed to tell me. He said No of course NOT. I was about 60 percent shocked with the results. when asked if I remembered weds and if he acted any different I couldnt answer the question. A part of me was proud! Had I detached myself so much that I block out noticing any odd behavior? Demeanors, I, in the past, looked at under a microscope? But the old me felt guilt! I should know this answer I should know my husband and his ways and take care of him!. Again what am I willing to live with. What are my boundaries? ok you slipped all addicts are going to slip. It has only been 14 days of sobriety.Do I give you three slip ups …10 ? But if he is lying what help is that to anyone that is trying to work the program with him? Then what do I do but spend half the night reading on what could possibly have given a false positive result? I so want to believe in him, this man I say I love. But then I say I LOVE ME!! Would I lie to me regarding pills or help? Would I protect me regarding pills or help. If I truly love me I have to work on ME. It is very hard to do this.

Lilly Good

3:03 am June 17th, 2014

I enjoyed reading this blog immensely. Finally some information that helped me see the need for me to help myself and not just focus on helping him. Any information that could help me heal and focus on my and my child’s future would be greatly appreciated. Thank you so much!

D

5:02 pm June 17th, 2014

Still trying to leave. Even after treatment the psychoses that go along with the addiction usually remain. So, even if your addict receives treatment and does not relapse, their mental condition is still poor, even in the best of circumstances. Have not left yet due to financial challenges, i.e., accepted for housing but trouble coming up with additional deposit (low credit score due to financial/economic abuse), payment for truck/movers, etc. Prayer is that he move out of marital home. Family with financial resources unwilling to assist. It is not their responsibility. I have to “squirrel” more money away to be able to move smoothly. A shelter is not an option. The abuse continues. Dysfunctional Father’s Day: his children and grandchildren (from his first marriage) are a “mess” – long story shortened.

To Lilly Good: Suggestion: Leave the relationship. Let Court/mediator/therapist decide what is in the best interest of the child. The toll on children in these relationships is devastating. Only a suggestion. During this time: Prayer Therapy Support Safety Prayer

Katie

5:27 pm July 16th, 2014

Hello, I am living with an alcoholic spouse, and i have just read your article, i agree 100%, i am completely addicted to his addicton, and i am an enabler to him also, all i want to do is get away from this man, it is my dream !!! I have tried so many times only to return to the sane thing over and over again, i gave birth to his son 4 months ago, of course he was great for the first while but it is all back to normal again, i now have to be strong for my son and i have to start recovering myself from this disease, i am aware i am also sick and i need to now start putting myself first, but how and where do i start ?

Alice

10:43 am July 22nd, 2014

Alisa Edwards, I too moved 1200 miles (from Florida) to be near & live with my boyfriend in NY. Your story struck a nerve in me. Al-Anon is useless. Yes, they say live your own life. Quite impossible if you are not allowed on the computer, the phone, or to do anything else beyond go to work and come home to take care of the kids. He’s a high functioning alcoholic who demands my attention (only when HE wants it). He’s been an alcoholic since he was a teen. He’s 46 now. He is intensely loving. We will have a great day and just like flipping a switch, something tiny will set him off and that will start WW3. He told me to pack my crap and go (for the bazillionth time – and in fairness, I have left him on my own a few times). So I did as he said, and left. He’s trying to bargain with me now saying he’ll stop drinking if I come home, take care of his son, and work on US. Nope! I told him he needs to be 6 months sober before I’ll see him again.

When I say that I am devastated, it is truly an understatement. I told him my life is a wreck now and he said it’s because I made it a wreck and threw him into the middle of it?!?! The only thing I know without a shadow of a doubt, is that I cannot allow my own son to grow up in this environment. He’s too sweet, easy-going, and gentle to have his life ruined by an addict. Find a good therapist who specializes in addiction. And if you can, go back to TN. Save yourself – Save your babies!

Mary

4:44 am August 2nd, 2014

I’ve been together with my husband for 14 years 8 living together. And some how i never saw this person as bad as i see him today. (His mother left him when he was 8 she went back for him when he was 16.) Just so you know his damaged. When i met him i didn’t know his whole story but even before i did, i knew he just wanted somebody to love him with everything they had. And i did with everything in me. After like 4 years in the beginning bf and gf i had this special day planned for us, our 4 year anniversary. I waited he never showed i didn’t hear from him in 2 days that was on the weekend. He only knew my brother inlaws number he called him i got the phone he was in jail for being at my school, we didn’t go to the same one. That’s when i saw another person In him. He started drinking more and i hated that because my father was an alcoholic as well he beat, cheated and wouldn’t come home for days and i never understood why my mom stayed with a man that would hit you. I know i didn’t want that. So when i seen this different him I started telling him i had somebody else and that i didn’t want to be with him. I didn’t know it would hurt him as much as it did. Now I know trying to scare him wouldn’t have helped. We have 3 boys 7,8 & 3 months :/ He leaves right in the time i want to start believing in him. I don’t know what to do anymore. My heart can’t take no more i don’t want to walk away when we’ve both fought so hard to be together. I’ve been so depressed, head hurting. I’ve been trying to find my self but i keep seeing him asking me for help but not saying it. I’m lost and i don’t know how i got here or let it get here

Chrissy

12:13 am August 11th, 2014

I have been with my addicted husband 2 1/2 yrs married 2. I met him 5 1/2 years ago when I began my road to recovery. I am a recovering alcoholic. I dated men who were normal drinkers but didn’t meet the right person. Husband and I had been friends and both single began seeing each other. I was excited that he too was in recovery. I liked the idea that we could celebrate it together. Boy was I wrong!!! He had two years sober when we married. I am at fault for not asking all the questions I should have. He has been in and out of sobriety for years. He developed a cocaine addiction 30 some years ago and goes between crack and other forms. He used for the first time in our relationship right after our marriage. I was devastated and shocked. I didn’t know his drug of choice. He had lied about that. I recovered from my shock and tried to write it off as a very bad decision on his part. I welcomed him into my family who loves him dearly. We both had good jobs and got even better jobs. We had a grandson. Bought a home. None of it matters. He goes to meeting everyday and works with a sponsor but he doesn’t want to be clean. Seven times of his using later and I am done. My heart is broken. I am blessed to have my family and my sobriety. I have been through so much I can do this but I am so sad. He lies and manipulates and I see that’s all it is now. Having done this for 30 years I feel little hope he will ever be clean and I don’t think I could ever trust him again. He has lost children to his addiction he has been arrested I just don’t know. He hasn’t reached the bottom. I’m so afraid what that might be. I’m so so so sad. Letting go. I have to take care of me. The pain of the loss is huge. Thank you for a forum to let it all out

Charrann

5:32 pm August 16th, 2014

Yes I am married to someone that is active in their addiction. It makes me nervous because I do not know what he is capable of.

Niki

1:32 pm August 26th, 2014

My husband and I have been married for 14 years. He has been an alcoholic every minute I have known him. Some times better than others. Lots of ups and downs. He’s tried to quit a few times but the withdrawal effects drove him back. He can consume between 30 and 50 beers on any given day and does not drink anything but beer. He has been in an inpatient rehab facility for a month now. When he arrived his BAC was .40. He has a great mindset and really seems to understand the gravity of his situation. However, he is still angry and controlling and I don’t think that the mentally abusive controlling behavior he’s always shown is gone. He was always distrustful, never wanted me to do anything without him around. Always was going through my phone and email and facebook. We have 3 kids together and our 4th child died when when she was 3 weeks old and that was when he really spiraled out of control. I feel like I should be very glad that he got treatment, that he wants to be better. But the last month at home with the kids has made me realize that I have been carrying the burden of single parenting for years. The only difference has been that my stress level is diminished. I can pay the bills without worrying that he’ll clean out the checking account with no consideration for what I need to get us by. I told him last night that I didn’t think I could ever give him the relationship that he wants from me. I can forgive him and I can be a coparent with him. But for at least a year I have been here to make sure that the kids had someone stable around 24/7 and because I felt if I left, he would die. I care about him and I want to support him and I can even say that I love him. But it’s not a romantic “in love” love. I’m tired of putting my life on hold to keep his ship stable. I want the peace and happiness that the kids and I have had for the last month to be our new normal.

Mrs. SEK007

5:21 pm August 27th, 2014

My husband has an addictive behaviour personality. He was a recovered alcholic for 22 years, but he just changed his drug of choice. Since we have been married we have gone thru different addictions; gambling, pain killers, sextexting, craigslist meeting women and then back to antidepressant binzos. He is rehad now. I am not taking him back. When I met him I was a single Mom with 2 girls. He and I got married and had 1 daughter. He was great the first 7-9 years of our marriage. Then his addictive behaviour came sneaking back. It was very subtle and since I had no idea how or what I was dealing with, I was enabling because I loved him. He is coming out of rehab and I am asking that he not come home. He will either be going to a sober living home or wherever. I am tired and hurt by things he has done and said. I would rather live alone and have my girls and family than to have him. Ive been to Al-ANON meetings. Ive been to therapy. I held up my vows to the best of my ability. This man will continue to do bad things and will continue be self destructive and has taken a big part of me down with him. I refuse to be an enabler, I refuse to be a victim and I can and will only take care, fix, manage what I do. When he was texting and meeting women he was looking for someone in the Nursing or Caretaking industry, he is charming, loveable and attentive. He knows how to manipulate and is well rehearsed in self projection. I am getting away from this man. Believe me I prayed and got my answer. I hope everyone in this situation gets the answer they want regarding their relationship.

Angie

8:15 am September 15th, 2014

The stories on here made me cry and gave me comfort. I am home alone, after another horrible, exhausting experience with my addicted husband. He has just come out of a withdrawal unit for his dope addiction, but has started alcohol bingeing again, the real demon in our relationship. We have been together 20-odd years, married for 14. As the years went on, his behaviour after drinking grew more and more frightening and intense. Rages, including in public, where I would be called the most awful things, and menaced and terrified until I was a cowering, sobbing, stuttering mess. Then he was content. It did once cross over into physical abuse (which he claims he can’t remember) I do not know this man when he is drunk. Usual story: intelligent, generous, funny, affectionate during the good times, but I came to believe that all THAT was the fake part, the real him came out after drinking. It was a very, very frightening realisation. Last night he came home after drinking, banging on the door at 1am, to et him in. I (politely, of course) asked him to leave out my keys on the table. He’s lost them earlier in the day, and I needed them to get to work etc, plus, they’re my keys! Reasonable request… Of course, that set him off, so I just quickly, and quietly went back to bed. Got home from work today, without a key to get into the house, he’d conceded to leaving out only the spare care key, and of course I can’t get into my own home. There’s a text message saying he’s staying in a hotel tonight to “decide about our future.” One hour, one locksmith and $100.00 later, I’m inside, AND he still hasn’t replied to my msg re the key. You see, he doesn’t care, quite possibly has never actually cared. He feels no remorse, no need to make things better, or safe for me. In his eyes, he owes me no explanations, no concern and no apology. I don’t even actually know why…I suspect he is talking himself into despising me, so it’s easier to leave. I know he desperately doesn’t want to be seen as the “bad guy”, so I guess he’s got a bit of strategizing to do. So, hotel in town for him, there’ll be alcohol, and sex involved I’m sure. He has very low impulse control with both, and is very much into instant gratification and being admired. Thank you for letting me share. I am so sad, and tired and confused. So many years. So much debt, and wasted opportunity. So many tears and days of utter and total confusion and fear. I wish you all well, I really do. I hope you can find some comfort and support whilst you are enduring all this.

jen

5:41 pm September 26th, 2014

my husband and i have been married for 5 yrs. we have 3 kids together ( we started dating when we was 15) he is a VERY heavy drinker.. this pasy year has been the hardest for us. He has skipped out on paying bills to have more money for beer.. I have ran out of gas taking kids to school and sport stuff bc he wont allow me to have any money. (i am a stay at home mom) the last three months he has been hateful towards me yells at me in my face, calls me names and even says im cheating.. when i am not.. we have not had any sex in months bc “hes not in the mood” or too drunk. this past week i told him i need a break from all of it.. that he needs to find out what he wants to sober up and get help and have a family or keep drinking and no family.. its hard bc i see him hurting when i go by the house.. i dont know what else to do…

faith

9:58 pm September 27th, 2014

I have been married fr 23yrs now, my 3 kids have grown up with my hubby’s abuse n voilence, its now affectin my youngest child, as my 2 elder kids dnt care a damn wat he does. I’m also veri hurt n fed up now. I’m consedering leaving him as we tryd rehab n counciling which didn’t work for veri long, pls advise me thnks

Jena

1:01 am September 28th, 2014

I believe my husband and father of my 5 kids has a serious drinking problem. He started drinking whisky heavily during a huge family lawsuit we underwent with his family. Some times he admits it and will take Antabuse then drinks on it. I believe I have become codependent. He hides his drinking from me and even drives and drinks. I find bottles and he is clearly drunk. We are seeing an addiction psychiatrist since 2007 when he went to rehab for his addiction to percacets. My kids know some times too. I’m at a lose I can’t leave him I have 5 little kids with him but I think he needs rehab again. God help me. I’m so scared and sick over him. I don’t eat and my kids are so sad seeing me deal with him.

SB

8:05 pm October 4th, 2014

I agree with you all. It’s very hard to walk away from someone you love deep deep down somewhere. Been married for 18 yrs and with him for 25 years. We have 3 kids going in terms now. When we married I found out he was a drug addict. He was addict since age 15. At age 23 we were married. The hope to change him and have a happy marriage kept me strong. The hope made me stick through every downhill problem until he sobered up at age 28 after 3 year term. Thought things would be better now and we can be a family. But success and power led him to drinking. I didn’t notice until I was pregnant was our 3rd one. Drinking, staying out, partying, no family time, sleeping in forever, weekends wasted. It got worse every year. It’s been 10 years of depression, sadness, unhealthy marriage. We lost each other, our marriage, our family. I was a single mom and am still a single mom while being married. His can’t admit he has a drinking problem and I can’t live with the smell. We fight every night. He is fine until 5 pm. Then it’s all downhill but the only reason he is fine in morning is because he is hungover and sleeping in. My parents use to fight and now I have the same life. I have tried to stop being the enabler and walk away from him and ignore him but then he thinks I have an attitude and gets even more angry. Of curse everything is my fault, I didn’t feed him, I didn’t love him, I didn’t hug him, I didn’t appreciate him. It’s hard walking away because that little piece of Hope won’t let me. I don’t know how live without him and I also know if heoses us he won’t survive. But will I survive the pain, anger, hurtful words, the yelling, the emptiness?

Lilly

1:44 pm October 6th, 2014

He’s a doctor Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. He could be the most wonderful man in the world very caring. He speaks his drinks and just enough to give them a high sometimes I don’t even know that he is been drinking. He will hide it from me and when I do find out I feel like such a fool.

JD

1:21 am October 18th, 2014

My husband is an alocoholic and things went belly up on September 7. I would be lying if I didn’t say I saw the downward spiral. But the way things went down are still haunting to me. So when my family all said GET OUT, I have continued to struggle. All that you stated above resonates with me. He would make such messes and I would pick it up, do the laundry, clean everything in an effort to make things right, thinking it was me. Now he wants back in my life and he’s going to AA and showing remorse. I was so afraid of him and now it’s like I keep telling myself that maybe he can lick this. Maybe things will be different. Why do I do that? Why can’t I just pull the trigger and end things? Hanging on just gives him hope and prevents me from moving on and healing my heart. So what do I do?

parkeragain

9:33 pm October 20th, 2014

Oh MY here I am again! Guess if the name fits? Wear it. Too funny that is my maiden name that I keep going back to. I really feel the need to voice an opinion or rather my experience. Those of you who have children I highly advise to put their health first an front role. I left my first husband when my son was 14 and my daughter 8. Their father had drank the entire life of our marriage. I had a questionable outside of my marriage relationship when I needed somone to listen. I to this date regret because I have to answer to myself. BUT moving on it woke the husband up for a short time he stayed sober for 7 years, then went into a bi polar stage for the rest of his life he died alone and in the street last DEC. It took him yelling at the children/ something he had never done (until the manic stage) He stalked my son at his basketball games falling down drunk! He stalked the daughter at her school field trips…drunk and frightening the entire school. I finally had to take a restraining order out. My son hated me for it at the time he was 13. I did everything within my power to get him help..I know I can look in the mirror and actually say I DID. He was the one who threw the divorce papers at me. Moving forward..I realize had it not been for my children I probably would have never left this man. I needed to protect them! We moved 110 miles away. He was never a part of their lives…he lost a great job of 24 yrs, family, friends…all for the booze. US well the son tried to save him after he graduated from college. It didnt work he realized what wll of us had tried to do for his father. He is now 34 and happily married teaching at a prep school in CT. The daughter, she at times feels that I maybe could have done more for her father ( however now that I am with my second husband and recently living the same song she has more empathy) She finished college is married and is happy/ she has some desertion issues. Mild compared to what problems she would have had if I had stayed. Mind you this is one woman’s story and how it worked for me. The power is within. Just ask for it. I got down on my hands and knees and asked the good lord what to do. He led me one move at a time. It wasnt easy by any means…it was very very hard. I always wonder what a single mom did to get thru I realize MORE often it isnt a chosen situation and we women just do it and not think about how. I hope this is comfort to those who are in pain and confused. this disease is one that effects an alarming amount of us.

Amanda

3:31 am October 27th, 2014

I recently made my heroin and coca in addicted husband leave my home. He also uses pilks, alcohol, whatever is available. We have a two year old son and a baby on the way. This is hardly the first time I’ve kicked him out, but this time I filed for divorce. My ex also shoplifts and will do so even if I and our son are present. He also is in and out of jail. I feel I did what I had to for our children’s safety, but I still love him. I feel simultaneously guilty for leaving him and for still loving him.

Amanda

3:39 am October 27th, 2014

Yes, continuing in addiction IS a choice. Yes, sometimes you HAVE to leave an addict because it is unsafe.

Shanikqua

5:44 am November 12th, 2014

I have been married to my husband for 9 months now. We recently got back together last Thanksgiving. I had to leave to NY to settle everything I didn’t finish in NY before I decided to go to Keokuk. I was in the middle of moving stuff out of my old place before I left and told him I need to do the right thing in getting my stuff. He wanted me to start over and said forget it. Now when I first met him 7 years back he was a trucker and he only drink beer. Meeting him 7 years later I found out he was into hard alcohol. I learned he is a alcoholic. I stayed with him and was working through it with him before I left. I told him he needs help besides me. I can’t do it you need to do it. So he use to call me names and verbally abusive often. So I left to take care of things in NY and now its been 7 months I have not seen him. Things beyond my control happened and some I lied to him. I told him I am coming back which I do want to but something inside is like don’t. I keep telling him I am and make up lies but I just am making it worse. I feel in a way that if I go back he will change. He started to drink less but then when he drinks he go back to the same way. So I don’t know if I should just stay here and figure out myself or go back to my husband now and do the figuring there. People tell me that I should not go back but in my mind he needs me and I need to figure out myself. I just want to say that I tried to help him by not going out when he is drunk or not drink. I told him I will go with him to aa meetings and he keep saying that I am all he needs. So my thing is how do you help someone who don’t want to be helped? Well should you stay yes if you love him but no because it because verbal and can get physical. So he needs help first. That is what I think.

D

6:34 pm November 18th, 2014

Only a person (spouse/parent/child, etc. of an addict) truly KNOWS what it is like to be with an addict. Therapists and clergy, etc. have training and should not be discredited. Friends and other well-meaning people tell you what they think only if you ask; but they don’t KNOW and may think you are crazy for loving an addict. Most of us did not KNOW what we were getting into until after the wedding and after the children and then it is a problem. Leaving an addict and staying away from an addict is hard; it is called co-dependence. It is a word but living it is draining, stressful, etc. I KNOW what I need to do and that is leave and don’t look back. Even if the addict gets help and stays sober, their personalities and psyches have changed permanently usually and they are still difficult and sometimes dangerous to live with. They have a disease and have chosen not to get help or when they get help, they don’t stick with it, sometimes. The Holidays are here and can be stressful in the best of circumstances. I have not taken my own advice and don’t want to sound hypocritical but I KNOW the only way it is going to get better for me is to LEAVE and don’t turn back.

Sharla

1:34 am November 25th, 2014

I have been married for 13 years. My husband has always drank and for a while I thought I was just crazy. He would try to upset me and tell me it was me. That he is just playing. I finally went to counseling and go to alanon, I figured out that it is probably his drinking. I stopped doing a lot of things for him that I use to, like trying to detach myself. But now he gets mad about that. We have 3 children together. I think I would be a happier person and better Mom without him. I can not get over having to share my children on the weekend. I understand that maybe he will either straighten up to have them or not, and that will be better for the kids in the long run. It still breaks my heart. I also know we will have to split things up and even maybe end up bankrupt. It all scares me so much that it is so hard to know what to do? He has been trying to be nice, I just do not want to live this way the rest of my life. He does not leave and go get drunk but he has. He likes to stay home and drunk while the kids and I watch him. I love him but not in love with him anymore. It is so hard to be in love with him anymore. So I feel like I am failing him. When our whole marriage I have done everything to support him and tell him how proud I am of him for getting good jobs and working hard. But on the other hand he does not help with bills and when we run low wants to know where all the money is? I can honestly say I hate alcohol.

Heather

3:42 am December 5th, 2014

I appreciate your article about staying or leaving. It is so very hard to see my husband slowly kill himself, not just from drinking but from the depression and anxiety associated with it. He has become such a hard, angry man and there are times that I don’t know who he is. He has belittled me to the point that I question my own sanity. Like the article says, there are times that I do have a glimmer of hope. However, it is usually dashed pretty quickly. I do exactly what you say in the article. I yell and fight. Hoping that maybe he’ll change…it never work. So how do leave him with out actually leaving him? How do I move on with my life while I am still married and still take care of my family?

shenna

8:25 am December 11th, 2014

I know the situation in a alcoholic husband…and for me I choose to stayed and help him

Dawn

10:08 pm December 26th, 2014

It’s been 11 years. My husband who i have known since I was 15 I fell in love. He was is a humble good man that wants to be a family man wants to be and do all with us. But now he does’nt his addiction is hurting us so badly. Our 8 year old daughter has very bad screaming fits she has to sleep with me go anywhere I go even to the bathroom. I Have gone to counseloing or her while her father was in rehab so many times I can’t even count them anymore. He has been in jail many times all due to alcohol. He blames every problem on me he hates me. I do everything for our three kids I work I cook,clean and serve and he gets away with drinking everyday. I have taken all the money from our account yet he still gets freakin beer. I am so sad for me and the kids lioves. We are stuck.We have no where to go. The boys ages 19 and 16 say no shelter that will be worse for us just ignore him but I cant all i do is cry. He cut his wrist last week blood everywhere I mean alot I called 911 and asked them no sirens please I don’t want the kids to know. They were in and out quietly in 15 minutes. the next morning he called me and reamed me out I TOLD YOU IF YOU EVER CALLED THE POLICE ON ME AGAIN I WOULD DIVORCE YOU. Are you crazy I called 911 because you were lying in a pool of blood. I couldtell you stories that would make your head spin. I want out I want my children and i to leave but we cant no money no future. I tell them wait till we sell the house then we can go and start all over, but that is taking to long. We lost our home in Hurricane Sandy it’s been over 2 years and we just moved back in. We have no water and the contractor(which is a family member) is not doing us right. He says he is but he hates my husband forget it to long of a story. I just want out and a new beginning. i have alienating everyone in our lives. I want to be alone far away from anyone who knows us.Why can’t i hot lotto so we can leave. I am in so much pain in my heart and body. I need 2 knee replacements but can’t do it because who will take care of life for my children and me NO ONE. Sometimes i feel they would be better without me they wouldgo to my brother and live with no sadness no alcohol no screaming no crying no money problems no embarrasment no more blaming

Lisa

5:34 am December 28th, 2014

I am so confused as to what to do….like your story says you feel you should leave to save yourself! I feel at times I cannot take anymore! He just came home from being gone all day and night drinking. …. not one call to me to let me know if he is dead or alive! Then comes in like nothing is wrong and passes out on the couch! It is soooooo hard not to say anything! I was detaching quite nicely and then he moved back home (he was gone for 6 mos.Jan-July of this year). He got a DUI and said he would never drink again …. how many times have I heard that! I was seeing a therapist weekly, but was doing so well , we went to once a month. It seems like in the last 4 weeks all hell has broken loose and he is just out of control with his drinking again. I don’t know whether to have him leave or me leave ….. I don’t know what to do. It is so exhausting. I try to not get angry or focus on him and I keep going back to him!? Why do I do that?! I know I should work on myself and I do, but it does not take away the hurt I feel inside. He is so disrespectful and selfish in my opinion…..who goes out all day and night on a BICYCLE (he lost his license from his DUI) and doesn’t even call to check in to let your wife know you are OK?!He is not the same man I married 28 years ago. I just feel so hopeless at this point Thanks for letting me ramble …

Janeybird

11:23 pm December 28th, 2014

I feel like crying just starting this. I have never discuss it with anyone other than 1 friend, my sister, therapist and husband. He has been a drinker since he was 10 years old. Started smoking pot about 12 or 13. I have experience with more substances but got over my party about 26 years ago. I used to drink a lot more, but for the past 8 years or so, just have no desire. My husband is what I would call a pretty functioning alcoholic. He gets to work on time. He is extremely selfish, drinks himself to sleep nearly every night. I’m even protecting him in my writing. He passes out every night and because I would take a picture and show him, he decided to go to bed and make it like he is just going to sleep. He is responsible for nothing that gets done. I make sure his car gets an oil change, he gets doctors appointments once a year and dental too. I make sure he gets a start on the bills two times a month, because he will let it go to the point we are late on every bill and paying a fee for it. The pool is green and has been for nearly the entire year, I refuse to work on it. His alcoholic little boy picks up his toys and takes them home to nurse his poor me feelings. He gets mad at me when I suggest we do chores around the house. It is not going to old itself up but he prefers to do things for just himself. He has earned a Masters Degree in Religion from a seminary college but will not talk to anyone about Christ. Has never saved a soul. Doesn’t need to, it’s just for him. Wants to go to classes and seminars so he can better, HIMSELF, not us, just him. Wanted to get himself a new car, he’s had two, I’ve had one. I have to poke and prod to get any help and I am over it. We had a Holiday party at our house and I caught him and one of my best friends, always the best friend, bitch, down a deserted hallway making out like teenagers. They of course deny that anything had ever happened before, will or ever did. I’m upset, untrusting and pissed off. I have followed him all over with his career, protected him at every opportunity yet he walks on me like I am dirt beneath his feet. I am a bitch because I want a house that had the yard mowed, and counters clean, and paperwork filed. Carpets cleaned, but no, he’d rather get in an argument, or give me the silent treatment, “because if I said what I wanted to we’d just argue”. Yea, I get it. He wants to stick it out because it’s been 26 years. I work in HIS business that WE opened together. But he does the absolute minimum. He has two assistants, I have no one. I have had it covering for him so much I am naked from the waist up. I am tired, I am exhausted and it would almost be better to be broke and alone then mentally fucked over every day of my life for the few things that aren’t broken yet because I can’t fix it all.

D

5:23 pm December 29th, 2014

My Heart goes out to all of you. The only “comfort” in reading the recent posts, is that the things that I go through are identical to what you are going through. It is the disease. My husband wrecked his SUV on Christmas Eve. He has had several car accidents over his lifetime because of alcoholism but never got a DUI because he knew the local police department who have enabled him/didn’t ticket him (allegedly) because he was employed by the county government as a mechanic (retired) and worked on the police cars. Also, because he is a diabetic (from the alcoholism) he attributes the accidents to low glucose levels, or someone ran him off the road, or it was raining, etc. Christmas Eve?! Really?! Of course, that is a $500 deductible and I went out of my way to purchase gifts for his children/grandchildren (my steps – but I don’t treat them any different – although when my adult biological son visits, he will find something to complain about…). He has caused some estrangement with my immediate family because he speaks falsely and negatively about me to them and for the first time ever, I have not visited with them for the last few Holidays. Although I have asked them to ignore him, that he is an alcoholic and a liar, etc., it has caused a rift. The infidelity and disrespect by and with the women is maddening. Finances are a challenge and although our combined salaries are good, he covers household expenses but blocks me from having access to his bank accounts. I have seen his bank statements and there are expenditures for bars, liquor stores, credit card payment (for what – who knows?) and cash withdrawals (no explanation given by him – just “it is my money and I can do what I want..”). My Prayers to all of you Angels. May we all find the Strength to do whatever we need to do to better ourselves Spiritually, emotionally, mentally and physically in 2015!

Cora

5:40 pm December 29th, 2014

Thank you, this is exactly how I feel. It’s like swimming in an ocean. I’m wearing a life vest and have tied a rope around my husband’s waist to pull him to shore. He keeps pushing me under the water, as I try to get us ashore… but I can’t let go of the rope.

Olivia

4:52 am December 30th, 2014

Cora, you said it perfectly.

Shannon

5:50 am January 5th, 2015

Hello, I’ve been through this addiction with my husband for six years now. We have divorced and I have sole custody of our daughter but we got back together for the last two years live together, but never remarried. Things have been good for two years. His drug of choice is opiates. My concern and reason for this post is that he has relapsed more frequently lately and he knew my boundaries that if he uses he cannot remain in the home with me and our almost five year old daughter. However, he refuses to leave and he is not sober. He has nowhere else to go as all of his family is fed up with him using and we all have been through two rehab trips, and as a couple we hit rock bottom two years ago when we divorced and I moved 1000 mIkes away to be near my family. We were separated and divorced for 8 months. When he got sober we decided to give it another shot. We are the best of friends and rarely have an issue we cannot work through and come back together. We have been together for the better of twelve years. Minus the separation and then divorce. I am needing some guidance on how to take care of myself and my daughter without having to pick up and move back to my family. My daughter loves her preschool and I recently was laid off from my job. My ex husband makes really good money and we have not had any a financial issues. But if he keeps using I have told him he has to leave. How do I get help with the household bills if I kick him out. What are my options? I have no money in savings and no current income. I have filed for unemployment while I am looki for another job, but if he keeps going down the destructive path he is, I have to Think about taking care of me and my daughter. He is working, but was recently injured on the job so that could drastically change our income if he isn’t working or able to perform his job. I am feeling pretty helpless and scared of how to pay my basic bills and my daughters tuition for school should he suddenly decide he isn’t going to help or gets so far into his addiction that he spends it as soon as it comes in. Have anyone experienced this? How did you provide for your family when then main source of your income was gone? Thanks in advance.

P.S. Sorry, I forgot to add I am aware of Alanon and have the.literature and listen to speakers. I haven’t been to a meeting lately. But I am just trying to take care of me and my daughter financially right now.

Michelle

11:14 pm January 20th, 2015

Am I co-dependent if I didn’t realize I have been living with a drug user the past year and a half? Although the decision to divorce and stop talking to him is the hardest decision I have ever had to make I am pretty sure it is the right one. He lied to me our entire relationship. Stole money from me, from my kids, used me for the kind naive person that I am. How can I forgive that? I don’t understand how drugs are a disease when that person has to make the choice whether or not to do them in the first place.

Patricia

9:17 pm January 22nd, 2015

Man oh man. Being married to an alcoholic is one of the worst things ever! I’ve been married for almost 18 years and 16 of them he drank excessively. I’m a (or was) positive happy person usually but just being home makes me feel ill. We have an outside office equipped with all you need if all you do is drink. He works but that is and has been touch and go. I wonder when they will catch on that he started up again and fire him. I worry how I will support my children on my own. 17 and 14 years old now. How did growing up with an alcoholic dad effect them now and when they are adults. I tried alanon but that depressed me. I learned about co dependency and made sure I wasn’t that from the beginning. I worked on myself and how to make it hurt less by doing spiritual webcasts, reading self help books etc. but the feelings of anger and disappointment always come back. I stay strong for the kids but that’s slipping out the door these days. I want to leave him but financially cannot. I wish there was another way. Bless you all that live like this!!!!!!!!!!!

D

4:47 pm January 23rd, 2015

Financial abuse is very prevalent in alcoholic marriages, as we can see – whether you are living with the addict or in transition from the addict or divorced. There are agencies that can help us no matter what your educational or economic background is. As hard as it is, leaving and staying away from the addict is usually the only recourse. It is hard to make decisions sometimes because of the financial (and verbal and emotional and physical) abuse, but there is light at the end. Take care of you you you.

parkeragain

5:30 pm January 23rd, 2015

wow words above resonate with me a true feeling in me that I need to recognize. Being in “what we used to call the LoveShack ” makes me ill. I just got off the phone with my boss telling her I need to take yet another day off. It is the stress that is killing me and making me sick. My second alcoholic husband had another relapse. He was AWOL sunday night ! We had a nice evening planned a movie dinner etc, once I returned from a business trip. Last text he was at an AA meeting at 6…when I hadn’t heard a thing I headed out at 11:30 walking on ice looking for him. The church that holds the AA meetings is at the end of our street. It was pitch dark with no one in sight. Upon returning he was lying in bed as if nothing had happened. His face a bloody mess as if he had been in a fight? When questioned he didn’t remember? another black out? WHY why do I allow myself to live in this trauma? We have a marriage counseling session scheduled in feb that we have paid over 3k for…I am so so pissed! I keep telling myself I promised us a year…and within that year I am going to give it all I have. I just cant seem to do the alanon….I worry that I am the missing or weak link. I want to run away.Thanks for all your understanding those that live this life are definitely headed to heaven because we lived our hell here on earth ….

lucy

2:42 pm January 25th, 2015

my husband is an addict to alcohol and drugs he is fine when sober then when he drinks he gets in this superior feeling mood acts like he is god or something. he is a hard worker his drinking and drug use has never interfered with work but its his mouth when he is drunk he talks to me like a dog. he trys to act like im the bad person when its him not me he gets so drunk he is just sloppy and nasty fell asleep the other night snoring so hard he sucked a tobacco pouch down his throat and got choked if i hadn’t been up he may have choked to death then i tell him about it the next day and he didnt remember it told me next time not to wake him up if he doesnt care why should I? he does not want to get help and i read one post where someone said they dont choose to be an addict im sorry i disagree YES THEY DO THAT IS A CHOICE AND THEY MADE THAT CHOICE. im at my wits end i cant take it no more he worries about eating healthy afraid of getting fat but pouring all that toxic beer into him everyday he is an addict and crazy i dont think there is no help for him he is plain and simple a JACKASS!!!!

sabrina

1:21 pm January 26th, 2015

My opinion is leave. I stayed and stayed and stayed. The ones that will get sober will. You wouldn’t be here asking Q’s if they did. The chronic ones won’t. There is no bottom or they would have hit it. My now ex has been to jail, will die per doctors on his current path, the birth of our daughter, he just lost custody but could have kept it if got treatment. There is no bottom for some. So my advice, cut and run. Fix you. Its hard. It hurts. But you need help too and if you are only ever helping them you get forgotten. I went from a stay at home mom to single mom with nothing, not even a dollar, over night. I have no family so no help. Yet I’m doing it! We r broke n cut every corner but not having to care for a adult man, walk on egg shells n be that stressed all the time is freeing. I am happier then I have been in I can’t remember how long. I still always wonder what if but there is no if. Move on!

D

6:16 pm January 26th, 2015

Blessings. The issues are all the same. I contacted attorney referrals, etc. last week, for a legal separation and divorce. I was in the hospital yesterday. My alcoholic husband accompanied me at my request because I was quite ill. He told me, while I had two medicines going in to me intravenously, that I didn’t “look” sick. I made sure the nurses got him something to eat because he is a diabetic. Later, he said he wanted to go out and get food that he “liked” and I would not give him the keys to my car (because of his history of accidents, drinking, etc.); so, he walked out of the hospital and left me there. I wish I kept a diary of all of the “crazy” stuff that I have been through. Some things I have written down. Just to remind me of the abuses I have suffered over the years. I don’t do Al-Anon either anymore. They are a great support group. The main thing that I learned from Al-Anon was the detachment, finding happiness, health, etc. outside of the marriage/relationship with the addict. Moving on/divorcing is a very very personal decision. The marriage has wreaked havoc on my health as well/co-dependence.

Debbie

12:31 am January 31st, 2015

I am married to an alcoholic/drug addict. We have been married for 3 years. Two months ago I made him leave. I’m not having one more holiday ruined! I don’t want a divorce. He is currently staying with a friend, that drinks and uses like he does. I pray for him every day. Hopefully by the grace of God he finds the help he needs. I do attend Al-non so I can get the help I need. I am 46 and my husband is 55. He has been diagnosed with a liver disease. I thought that would wake him up but it didn’t . I could no longer watch him drink himself to death. In no way has this been an easy decision. Rather you stay or go there is a lot of pain.

For those of us that love an addicted person I pray we find the peace we deserve.

Steve

5:19 am February 1st, 2015

I just left my fiancee after 4 years. It took me over 3 years to figure out she was an alcoholic. After several messy debacles, I decided to make the hard decision. Long story, but at the end of the day, she was not willing to quit the drinking. I told her – I’m not willing to sit and watch you kill herself like so many of my relatives and friends have done. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do because I love her soooo much. Thing is, I love myself, my kids and family more, so I did what I felt had to be done. End it.

Melanie

8:57 am February 6th, 2015

My 8 year old daughter has decided to go stay at grandmas till daddy quits drinking. He’s not mean or even that noticeable , but she is pissed he won’t stop. He can’t be left by himself. I can’t make her watch her daddy die. She doesn’t want to see him sick. But I’m scared she will regret it. My mother lives next door so she is back and forth. But should I make her stay home?

Holly

7:50 am February 18th, 2015

I’m at my absolute end!! I love my husband so much and all of this is literally killing me!! I have been trying and trying to fix our marriage but my husband just keeps getting worse and worse. I found out I had beginning stages of cancer and he just does not care. Only his pills and Kratom and throw a little speed in there as well. God knows what else. He’s not the man that I feel in love with and my life just doesn’t make since without him. I’m at my lowest and I just don’t know to fix a thing. Not even myself. I have been ripped apart. And I’m scared for him. And myself.

Ashley

11:35 pm February 24th, 2015

I have been.with my.boyfriend.for.about.8 months, we are so in love and I have never felt so in love with a man. He is suffering from a very strong dependancy on cocaine. INJECTING cocaine in to his blood everyday. He continousley is spending our income for drugs, he has had us.go without food so.he would have.enough.for.drugs. I want a future with this man but its so true when this situation reveals itself, there is no way to decide leaving or staying. ITS A disease in itself feeling helpless among ones addiction especially among a man your so in love with who you would give anything to have a family with. I want a baby with this man and a marriage and.a.home with this man but I simply cant do it with the mix of.substance abuse altering his personality. What do you do when your so stuck and you cant picture.being.with out them but cant picture living through this pain. He is 31 and im going to.be.24 I have dreams and.desires.with my life, but money dissapears and I.find myself with no ability to.succeed at what I love which is.school. please help me

serenity

11:14 am March 3rd, 2015

To whom it may concern my husband drinks twice a week but when he drinks he brings up things that has happen in the past. And he dwells on the arguments my son and him has had in the past things have gotten violent to the point one of our vehicles have been damaged due to my husband’s poor choice of judgement while he is drinking I don’t know what to to anymore I’ve left him once due to his abusive words and his actions I just don’t know what to do anymore please help .

Hi Debbie. You can see your doctor for medical advise on Ambien withdrawal. Because Ambien withdrawa...

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