Diary about mental illness and abuse.

Tag: shutting down

Another physical symptom showed up, it’s the 4th one. They’re not related but it’s so frustrating , especially for someone like me who doesn’t get sick often.

I don’t know if I’m getting all of these symptoms because of stress, I guess that must be a factor. Either way, I’m so fucking annoyed. Even more now, with the new symptom, cause it’s an embarrassing one. I hate my life.

Having to deal with my physical health is not fun, but my abusers make everything worse, as usual. That’s what those fuckers do best.

I was brainwashed by abuser A my whole life. I won’t go too much into it, my mind gets fuzzy and shuts down when I think about it, so I don’t have the energy to do that right now.

Basically I was brainwashed through their religion, philosophical views or whatever you wanna call it. It was full of bullshit, it would take me forever to list all of it, but one of the main beliefs that was installed in my brain was “everything is your fault.”

They believe that you “attract everything that happens to you”, but of course that only applies for bad things. Therefore, when something bad happens it’s your fault. Plain and simple. Your soul was being “immature”, your “inner child was acting up”, and that’s why you ended up in a bad situation. Even if you had nothing to do with it.

Because this is a philosophical way used to explain everything in this universe, it also applies to things that you literally have no control over, so that includes your physical health.

I seriously can not put into words how much brainwashing was done to me. Luckily, during these last couple of years I was able to start the process of getting rid of all of that shit, but some of it still lingers.

So, now when I’m having all of these symptoms, I get triggered and a voice in the back of my head is saying “you’re doing this. It’s your fault. You’re being immature, you should grow up.”

And of course, in that discourse what “growing up and acting like a proper adult” really means is doing everything that they say. Being a fucking slave of their abuse, basically.

I know that it is bullshit, and I’m trying to not pay attention to it, but it’s hard. When you’ve been brainwashed for so many years, it’s really hard not slipping back into that mindset.

And it’s so fucking frustrating because I’ve got a lot of shit to deal with, and on top of that I have to deal with their bullshit stuck in my brain. It’s like no matter what, they’ll always make everything worse. They’re always there, to ensure they’re breaking me down, and that I’m suffering.

It’s seriously so frustrating. I want to write more about that but like I said, when I get overwhelmed by emotions my brain shuts down and I start feeling sleepy.

That’s what my entire life has been so far. Having to put up with their shit, trying to survive. I hate them so much. I want to cry.

But all of this is not just in my head. They’ve already said that I should “think” about “what is going on with me” and “why am I having all these symptoms.”

The most hilarious thing is that they actually said: “clearly your mind is acting up, since you have a nice life, and there’s no reason for you to have all of this somatization.”

Except it’s not funny at all.

I was rereading the text to correct it, and it’s the first time I make so many mistakes in a post. Even when I went to add the tags, I had forgotten what I wrote about, even though I had finished the post a minute ago.
It’s really visible how I shut down and my brain stops working properly when I feel overwhelmed.

I know that I’ve talked about dissociation a million times in this blog but it’s so present on my everyday life so I can’t help it. It’s the only “coping” mechanism that I have really, since I don’t consume anything, I don’t (actively) self harm, I have no one to talk to, and I can’t express my feelings through art or anything creative. So my brain shuts down all the time. That’s the only thing I know.

It started super young, obviously, I remember being like 4 years old and noticing how much I would daydream on a daily basis. Only a couple of years ago I discovered that there’s a name for it: Maladaptive Daydreaming. That’s a HUGE part of my life, but I’ll talk about it some other time.

My dissociation includes amnesia, derealization and depersonalization which is super common, but it also manifest itself in a different way that I haven’t found many people that talk about it. It’s hard to explain but my brain just shuts down completely and I can’t do anything.

If I have to do something, I feel like I’d rather DIE than get up and do it, and sometimes that included eating. I feel exhausted to a whole new level, but a the same time I can’t sleep because falling asleep requires concentration, and my brain is just stuck in screensaver.

It’s visceral. I remember a couple of months ago I was going to see one of my abusers and on my way there, while I was walking, I was shutting down so hard I felt like I had to lie down on the street and sleep.

It’s so embarrassing knowing that I have to do lots of things, but I just sit on my computer watching videos or stuff. It’s the only form of human “interaction” that I have, so it’s comforting. I know that sounds pathetic but it’s the truth.

Even when there’s stuff that I want to do, it’s horrible seeing how I just get distracted and disconnect from everything, things start piling up and nothing gets done. It makes me feel so ashamed. I know that I shouldn’t, it’s not my fault, and there are so many people dealing with the same shit. It sucks that we always blame ourselves, in most cases because of the brainwashing caused by past/present abuse.

Honestly being free of dissociation would be amazing, I can’t even imagine. Being fully present and in control of my actions. Of course that’s not gonna happen while I still live here. The only way I can keep it together while I’m in this house is if I dissociate the way that I do.