"As soon as you realize everything's a joke, being the Comedian is the only thing that makes sense."--Alan Moore

Monday, April 26, 2010

Spring Pledge Drive

We'll get right back to HoseMaster of Wine, but, as you may know, it is time for our annual Spring Pledge Drive for Wine Blogs. Wine blogs depend on contributions from people like you, the people who read these brilliant works for absolutely nothing. We don't charge you exorbitant subscription rates like Wine Spectator. Can't they just print that useless rag on normal size, recyclable paper? Christ, the Large Print Edition is the size of a toilet stall door, and, coincidentally, conceals the same activity. But when you dial up your favorite wine blog, be it the HoseMaster or Dr. Vino or, God forbid, Vornography (where wine journalism goes to fester and die), it doesn't cost you one thin dime. No, unlike print publications like Wine Enthusiast, with wine blogs you get exactly what you paid for, and without the tiresome ads (and, at Wine Enthusiast, those are the wine reviews). This is the great American way, friends, you put nothing in, you get nothing out. Why, it's exactly how God created Man to procreate. It's why wine blogs are God's work and mimic our very existence--you put nothing in, you get nothing out. We are here during Pledge Week to ask you as contributors to put something into every wine blogger you can think of. God knows they'll enjoy it.

Just try and imagine your day without Wine Blogs. OK, stop smiling. Seriously, where else can you find this kind of quality for free? Other than a dumpster? Look at the quality of programming you can find each and every day on Wine Blogs. Where else can you find reviews of wines written from a completely unschooled perspective? Yes, you can turn to professional critics with decades of experience and trained palates, but they don't enjoy wines the same way you do at home. They're know-it-alls, a bunch of old white guys, and women who basically resemble old white guys (I'm talking to you, Jancis baby), who talk down to you, try to educate you, when all you really want is to get drunk as cheaply as possible. So you come here. To Wine Blogs. Where people just like you, unskilled people with too much time on their hands and the ability to type, talk about wine endlessly and inarticulately, mistaking profanity for wit and opinion for meaning. This is where you find the wines you want to rush out and buy. Here you can find the scoring system and information you really seek. We're all tired of the 100 point scale, it's meaningless and intellectually dishonest. It's barely a 20 point scale! No one rates below 80. How is that a 100 point scale?! When's the last time you went to a track meet and the runners only ran the last 20 meters of the 100 meter race? How would that be legitimate? You know what it's like? It's like these old white guys, and the women who look like old white guys (I'm talking to you, Andrea), telling you, "I swear, I'm just going to stick it in a little bit, baby, I'm not going to put it all the way in." Well, friends, you know and I know that for absolutely nothing Wine Bloggers are going to stick it in you ALL THE WAY! As God intended.

Don't worry, we'll get back to HoseMaster of Wine momentarily. But I want you to think about what your life would be like without Wine Blogs, and I want you to think about what your contributions mean. Imagine your next dinner party, you've chosen the wine you want to serve with your meticulously prepared meal, but you don't know what music to play with the wine! Oh my God (OMG, for you cretins in the room)! What are you going to do? Now imagine you don't have a Wine Blog to turn to for that information. Think about the embarrassment you'll feel when you serve the wine and you have the wrong music playing! Yes, I know, the shame might kill you. But this won't happen because you can turn to Wine Blogs. You can do a search of Wine Blogs and you'll be able to find another idiot, an idiot just like you, who knows what song to play with the wine. You can't find this information in Hugh Johnson, the guy's a gardener, for cryin' out loud, he wouldn't know a blogger from a pansy (easy now), and he sure as hell doesn't know what music to play with your ten dollar Chardonnay. You won't find any help with music selections from the "Oxford Companion to Wine;" I know, I looked under "Music" and all it said was "WTF?," which I thought was the author's initials but turned out to actually mean WTF. So, no, you have to turn here, to Wine Blogs, to the expert opinions of folks just like you, who not only have impeccable taste in wine samples, but also impeccable taste in their own favorite music. Where else could you possibly find people like that? And without your contributions during Pledge Week those folks just might not be here the next time you log on. Wouldn't that be a shame?

And, aside from information and wine knowledge gathered from total amateurs, what about the sheer entertainment value? What about the laughs? Here's an absolute classic from a recent post at Vornography. The post begins, "Fellow wine writer Eric Asimov..." Priceless! Alder ingeniously takes a harmless four word phrase, adds the word "fellow" to the front of it, and provides us with the biggest belly laugh since Wine Bloggers nominated themselves for Wine Blog Awards! "Fellow wine writer Eric Asimov!" Hilarious! You can't make this stuff up! It's like starring in your third grade play and saying, "Fellow actor Peter O'Toole once said..." How does he think of this stuff? It doesn't matter. Where else can you be as highly amused for free? And not get in trouble when your wife walks in the room and you're doing it?

So we're asking for your contributions. Corporate sponsorship, like Rodney Strong's, or Huckleberry Jackson's ownership of Steve Heimoff, doesn't support Wine Blogs 100%. Wine Blogs depend on the contributions of Viewers Like You. Without your contributions, Wine Blogs would cease to exist. Imagine that world. A world without Wine Blogs. Then decide what you want to do about it.

Dammit Washam I was working on something just like this when I popped over to see if you had posted. As always yours was better than mine so...again, dammit Washam! The "My fellow writer" thing freaking killed me, wonder if Eric knows he has been included in such an esteemed typing pool? I'm sure he will be terribly flattered....

I am shamefully part of the, those in need group here. I have begun treatment for my Needy Writers Syndrome but it is a slow and painful process. I still find myself scratching where my stat counter used to be, (okay it is still there but I am pretending it has been amputated) and am still relying on comments for infusions of inspiration from time to time....using them as a crutch when I feel I cannot go on. So I thank you O Funny One, thank you for shinning the light on this little talked about illness.

My guess is that Eric Asimov is going to be mightily pissed off at Alder. Not that Eric will mind that Alder thinks of himself as a fellow wine writer. That title is cheap. It costs nothing to claim it.

No Eric won't be upset by that. But, he is going to not take Alder's real failure quite so easily. Eric knows his real title, and he expects it to be used when he is mentioned. He is the MFWWW. Alder is out in the weeds on this one.

As a "fellow" blogger (insert gaffaw here), but decidedly NOT a fellow wine writer (OK, except this one teeny weeny time), and since you brought it up, my take on wine and music (at the very end of the post): http://cornucopiacreations.wordpress.com/2010/04/22/standing-out-from-the-crowd-april-in-carneros-sea-of-wines/

'Cuz I was just so irritated with (mostly) bad musical pairings. Kinda like... boiled potatoes with a nice zin, or a syrah, or, well...anything. (Have I used enough commas yet, Sam?)

I hereby pledge...not to write about wine again...or use my word verification, clatioug, in a sentence.

Thank you all for your generous contributions. It is Viewers Like You who make Wine Blogs possible. Your continued support is much appreciated. We have nearly reached our goal.

And with eBob now subscriber only, the world is a much better place. It is but the first radical change in the wine world that results from Parker's death. More will follow.

What I loved about Alder's Vornography post was that he could begin it with "Fellow wine writer Eric Asimov" and all the stooges who comment there let it slide. But I guess, Charlie, you are unconcerned with that particular denigration of your profession, so I'll let it go. However, I wonder if you'd be so cavalier if he'd said "Fellow wine critic Charles Olken." Then again, you probably would, gracious man that you are. Either way, the arrogance is funnier than hell. Alder is the Ted Baxter of wine bloggers.

Jimmie, man, I had a whole riff on gifts for contributors, but, you know, I get tired of carrying the comedy bandwagon and thought I'd let someone else do the work. Thanks for helping.

Re Alder. I have absolutely no problems with him, as you have surmised.

I started wrting about wine like a babe in the woods. I had been collecting for about three years. I had no idea how much I did not know until I was confronted by the need to be a professional.

Alder, whatever else he might be, is no fool, and is a decent person. I have been critical of the way he reviews hundreds of wines at the rate of one per minute. I would never review wines at wineries the way he does. But, he is in a very different business from me, and he has an audience. One of the lessons that means the most to me is to not look down my nose at those who are successful.

Lampoon them, have fun at their expense, it is all fair game. Getting angry at them personally. No thanks. Just not in my game.

I have no problems with Alder either, though I'm guessing he may have one with me (which is a form of flattering myself). Nor do I have one with Steve Heimoff or your son 1WineDoody. Or WineHarlots or BrixChicks, or anyone else I mock here. Where would I be without them?

And I agree with your sentiment about not looking down your nose at those who are successful. Though, as you know better than most, it is the job of satire to point to human weakness and sanctimony and foolishness and hypocrisy, traits Mr. Yarrow displays in abundance. I just wish someone would gleefully point out mine.

1WineDoody,

HoseMaster say, Never look up if there's a monkey above your face. You may end up with tongue in cheeks.

Without targets, there would be no satire. My guess is that you will never run out of targets. I grew up in a household and in a neighborhood and in a tradition where you could not get away with anything--so not only do I get it, but I am happy to engage in it.

If I could write comedy the way you can, I would not write wine. So, just as I have no problem liking Steve H. and Alder, so too do I have no problem laughing at jokes at their expense.

As for you, be careful what you wish for when you write, you wish that someone would target you. The next time you show up at my house, it might be pie in the face time. Yes, I know that slapstick is not satire, but sometimes you have to take your comedy where you can.

The only thing funnier than a pie in the face is midgets running. Though baseball players have ruined it for everyone with their constant shaving cream pies during interviews. I think this should be banned along with steroids, though a steroid pie in the face would be funny AND satirical.

HoseMaster would be hard to do without the contributions of all the nice and talented and funny folks who turn up here regularly. Comedy dies a very slow and painful death without an audience. They matter even more than the targets. I am always aware of the presence of you and My Gorgeous Samantha and Thomas and Marcia and John and Arthur and Amy and Tamara and your son Joe and Dave and Jimmie Schnipke when I write. And I'm aware of all the lurkers who never comment but who stop here to see who I've offended this week. The targets don't keep me going, all of you do.

To get back to helping with the life-sustaining pledge drive...I am willing to rent at whatever price Prats comes out with for Cos d'Estornel '09 (price effective 90 days after RP announced he loved it; 72 hours rental) my t-shirt. I will donate a full 5% of the proceeds (minus round-trip postage..wash before sending, I probably will). This shirt has gotten me through many difficult times. I don't have a photo but the front says: "Will write for food."

Actually rethinking contrib. Boss saying you actually owe us $. Also anon is because most of you people seem more insane than me and I've already driven past three posters' houses (you don't know who your are). Don't want to waste money on more restraining orders.

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About Me

After 19 years as a Sommelier in Los Angeles, twice named Sommelier of the Year by the Southern California Restaurant Writers' Association, I moved to Sonoma County to explore the other aspects of the wine business. I've spent, OK wasted, 35 years learning about and teaching about and swallowing wine. I am also a judge at the Sonoma Harvest Fair, San Francisco Chronicle Wine Competition and the San Francisco International Wine Competition--so I can spit like a rabid llama. I know more about wine than David Sedaris and I'm funnier than James Laube. Stay tuned for an informed but jaded view of everything wine and everything else.
I'm living proof that alcohol kills brain cells.

What the Critics Are Saying About HoseMaster of Wine

"If you want a great hoot and howl moment or two...go read the HoseMaster's year-end reflections...that guy is without a doubt the funniest SOB in the blog-world...and thank him for having the brains and balls to target his laser of laughter on anybody...HoseMaster for President...HoseMaster for Blogger of the Year...although he would be the first to say the bar is so damn low for that award, he should win it every year..."--Robert Parker

"No one is immune from California sommelier and wine judge Ron Washam's skewering. He polishes that skewer with boundless enthusiasm and acuity."

--JancisRobinson.com

"As serious as the world of wine is, it does allow time for humor. Each Monday and Thursday, Ron Washam customarily posts a commentary on his needling wine blog HoseMaster of Wine. Washam, a former sommelier and comedy writer – he might say they are closely related – is the most opinionated, humorous and ribald observer in the wine world. His body of work is irreverent and remorseless. It’s almost always satire and parody, though he occasionally drifts into straight commentary, sometimes even with tasting notes. This past year, one of his posts was named the best of the year in the Wine Blog Awards. His success has spawned several imitations, which in their awkwardness show just how difficult satire is."

"Please let this guy write the scripts for Saturday Night Live which has gotten so lame...his newest "wisdom" is worth an Emmy....I wonder if he is the genius behind all those Hitler/Parker,etc. clips? No one else is remotely as funny or as talented.And the wine world sure needs someone to poke fun at all the nonsense and phoney/baloney unsufferable crap out there."

--Robert Parker

"Washam uses his own blog, HoseMaster of Wine, to skewer the industry in general and wine blogs in particular. If your mouse scoots to your browser's close box while reading a wine blog, Washam may be the blogger for you."

--San Francisco Chronicle

"Ron Washam, former sommelier, is easily the most bitingly funny blogger/wine writer that we have ever come across. He is an equal opportunity crusader who pillories big wineries and amateur bloggers alike, as well as everything and everyone in between...One needs a sense of humor and a tolerance for earthiness to enjoy reading The Hosemaster. We must have both because this guy deserves a wider audience, in our humble opinion."--Connoisseurs' Guide to California Wine

"In my opinion, and that of many others, his blog is one of the best. And in terms of satirical or parodic wine blogs, it has no peer. Ron’s alert eye catches every pretense and skewers it with laugh out loud mercilessness."

--Steve Heimoff

"This site should carry a warning label. It's sort of a Dave Barry/George Carlin approach to wine. The Hosemaster (real name Ron Washam) skewers fellow bloggers and industry savants with glee, while offering hilarious wine guides such as his Honest Guide to Grapes..."

--Paul Gregutt, Seattle Times

"Washam is a skilled wine judge (I have judged with him) who is willing to judge wine double blind, in public. To my knowledge, Parker does not do this and never has. So Ron's credentials are in place, and so is his sense of the absurd."

--Dan Berger, VintageExperiences

"...I consider Ron a very talented writer and I’ve long been an admirer of his scathing wit..."

--1WineDude

"And if any free sites think they can conquer the world, there’s always the Hosemaster to take ‘em down a notch."

--Tyler Colman "Dr. Vino"

"Those of you who know Ron either love or hate him, because he throws jabs like a punch drunk boxer, and we’re all in the firing line. He’ll throw them if he hates you, and he’ll throw them if he loves you. He’s a satirist of exceptional quality."

--Jo Diaz "Juicy Tales by Jo Diaz"

"I must say you are an idiot. I've never liked you. I have no idea why people find you funny."