SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

There are similiar threads going on, but I don't want to t/j and want to get advice from you guys.

Our R has been going very well, fWH very remorseful, really opening up, dealing with CSA for the first time, etc. He has changed so much and is making me very happy.

However....he has a looooong history of procrastination. I met him in grad school, so I have lots of experience with this. He is continuing in IC but just isn't doing any work in between anymore. There are questions about his motivations in the LTA that he hasn't answered (I gave him them 6 months ago) and he has only discussed his CSA (which was about the worst it could be according to my reading) for a total of about an hour between me and his IC.

He feels that since he has changed he is likely fixed. He does say that he would like to address the CSA more, but does not. His IC, who is not an expert in this area, has told him he may not need to dig further.

My problem is that I have been through this before with him. He "changes" but the changes do not last. Granted, they have never been to this level, but neither has the betrayal.

I know that I can't own his recovery and can't control what he does or "force" him to do the work. But, I don't believe him when he says he will. Months go by. As long as all is well he loses his motivation. I fear that the real work is being "rugswept" and will it will come back and bite us in the ass.

Last night I asked him a question about his thoughts on the length of the LTA (ie, did he stop to realize how long it had been going on) and he said "he didn't think" but that he is working on it. I called bullshit. This morning he admitted that he really isn't working but felt defensive. He said that he would basically be doing it to make me happy. When he asked me what I wanted I said that I wanted HIM to want to do it and to make it a priority.

I have trouble believing that years of CSA by a father figure could be dealt with in a few sentences in IC and one book. Is it time to find an IC who specializes in this?

I told my H that I was letting go, but that if he doesn't work I won't be able to throw myself 100% into R, since part of me will always fear that he will relapse.

Advice?

[This message edited by catlover50 at 9:01 AM, April 27th (Saturday)]

Dday -9/24/2012
Reconciling

Posts: 2023 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast

sisoon♂ 31240Member # 31240

Posted: 9:51 AM, April 27th (Saturday), 2013

My background tells me this is a textbook opportunity to outline your wants to your H and ask him to do specific, observable actions. Outlining the consequences of doing/not doing as you request is theoretically a good way to strengthen the request(s).

It sounds like you're doing that.

CSA is very, very difficult to deal with, for the victim, for the people who love the victim, and for therapists. I think the cure is love, but IME the victim has probably learned to mistrust offers of love, or perhaps it's that they don't trust themselves to distinguish between love and traps. I think maybe CSA victims mistrust the carrot, and the stick doesn't scare them, so it's hard to reach them.

Advice? Stay in touch with yourself. Keep asking yourself how much you love him. Keep asking yourself if he gives you 'enough'. Make your decisions according to your answers.

Lots of BSes have CSA survivor spouses; some R, and I suspect some don't (I don't read the S/D or NB forums, so I don't know), so know you're not alone.

And, yeah, an IC who thinks CSA is a matter of a few IC sessions probably should be replaced IMO.

[This message edited by sisoon at 9:53 AM, April 27th (Saturday)]

fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 70 (22 in my head), Married 45+, together since 1965, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
I'm not an exemplar. I share my own experience because it's all I know.

Posts: 11875 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area

Althea♀ 37765Member # 37765

Posted: 6:54 PM, April 27th (Saturday), 2013

I would be nervous too. You know your WH better than anyone. If you sense that he is starting to procrastinate and skate by, then you have a problem. My WH also admitted to CSA, although it sounds like not nearly as severe. He has also not really "worked" on it so to speak. He has looked at the issues it caused him as an adult, his need for female attention, validation, etc. and has a deeper understanding; but no in depth study of the abuse per se. Honestly, IMO that has to be his decision.

If there are things YOU need him to do in order to heal, and he isn't doing them, that is something the two of you need to discuss. A few months ago, I had a conversation with my WH where I said, you have done a ton, and are doing a ton; but I need more. I need XYZ. In this case, I needed him to go back through his timeline step by step to let me know what was going on with him emotionally as well as his feelings toward me during this time. At first he felt defensive as this was a 5 year time span; but I remained firm. I told him that he could take it as I'm saying he is not doing enough, or he could take it as I am hurting and need his help. The choice was up to him. I have found that phrasing things this way really helps when he is obviously feeling defensive.

Follow your gut catlover. Don't let him start rugsweeping now, you have already been down that road.

Taking it one day at a time.

Posts: 465 | Registered: Dec 2012

catlover50♀ 37154Member # 37154

Posted: 6:57 PM, April 27th (Saturday), 2013

Thanks guys!

Dday -9/24/2012
Reconciling

Posts: 2023 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast

RockyMtn♀ 37043Member # 37043

Posted: 10:44 PM, April 27th (Saturday), 2013

I was reading on here in a different thread (maybe one of the ones you didn't want to t/j)...something really simple but really true...a different way of doing things is not a worse way of doing things. Your way (as in general you) is not the only way, nor is it necessarily more effective.

I'm not saying at all that what you're thinking through doesn't make a lot of sense. It does. But CSA has got to be horrifying beyond belief. Maybe it is just too damn much for him right now to think about it except at IC and only for a short period of time. Maybe he needs that outside support when he goes to those memories. Maybe he IS thinking about it and just not ready to share. Internal processing is as critical as external (IC) processing.

Maybe dealing with the A and CSA at the same time is overwhelming. Not saying this is a pass...just a qualifier. My WH is working through addiction and the A - and I can see that the A goes on the backburner sometimes. And it pisses me off, too. I think, "get off your lazy ass and frickin' multi-task!" (which, in reality, he is - but one thing is often dominant).

Anyway, now I don't want to t/j you.

I said that I wanted HIM to want to do it and to make it a priority.

He can make it a priority but you can't force him to want anything. I'm sure you know this.

My problem is that I have been through this before with him. He "changes" but the changes do not last. Granted, they have never been to this level, but neither has the betrayal.

I so understand how you are feeling when you write this ^^^

I have been stewing over and processing these exact thoughts this week. Can I trust the changes I see to be long-term? Is this "changed" person standing before me for real, or will he fall back into old patterns? How genuine is his desire for real, far-reaching change? I wish I could share with you some profound wisdom I have unearthed, but unfortunately I am probably as confused as I was at the start of the week!

In my sitch the type of wayward that my H is, is conflict-avoidant and not inclined to introspection. He wants to get rid of any unpleasantness as quickly as possible, so will say what needs to be said in order to smooth ruffled feathers. He HATES to dig deeply into his inner-workings and thought processes, so will gloss over that as quickly as possible, and stop doing so the minute he feels he is "off the hook". These behaviours have not served our marriage well in the past!

I have come to realise that he MEANS well, but often lacks the strength of character and the commitment to follow through with real change.

This time around I am not tolerating this type of behaviour. This betrayal has genuinely nearly killed me, it has affected me to my very core. There is no way I am letting him brush anything aside because it makes him uncomfortable.

I know that I can't own his recovery and can't control what he does or "force" him to do the work.

I agree with you that we can't own their recoveries, or control them, but if he wants me to R he is most definitely going to have to do the work... I will not R with my fWH unless he is fully willing and intent on doing what it takes to make himself into the kind of husband that I deserve.

I'm not seeing the 100% commitment from my fWH to do the DEEP work as yet (the surface stuff he is doing great on, it's the deep issues that seem to be neglected), which is why I don't really trust the changes I am seeing. How can the genuine change be happening if the underlying condition isn't being attended to?

As BSs I think we need to make the hard work on the deep issues a condition of R. If our waywards are really, honestly committed to doing what it takes to make R work, then they will be willing to do whatever work is necessary on themselves to make it happen.

BS 47
Together 29 yrs, M 26 years
2 daughters 25yo(married with a brand new little daughter) & 19yo
D-Day 18 Aug 2012
6mth EA lead to 4mth PA with CO-W. I found out 8 1/2 yrs later

Posts: 1230 | Registered: Oct 2012

catlover50♀ 37154Member # 37154

Posted: 5:23 AM, April 28th (Sunday), 2013

Thank you everyone for your thoughtful replies.

Currently my approach is to insist that my last few A questions be answered but to back off on the CSA. And, unfortunately, to keep my guard up a bit. Only time will tell.

Dday -9/24/2012
Reconciling

Posts: 2023 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast

918Mama♀ 37756Member # 37756

Posted: 11:33 AM, April 28th (Sunday), 2013

(((catlover)))

I swear lady, sometimes I think we are married to the same man! Lol

I love Sisoon's insight about the cute being in the love. I never thought about it that way.

I'm hoping that by way of reading my response to this post, Mr918 might respond and give some insight. Our MC had him change to a different IC last December when it was evident he needed someone who could specialize in the trauma he's experienced. It's made a world of difference. But mine is also a procrastinator and recently had a break through with his IC on what that's about. So...hopefully he might share with you.

Hugs!!

Surrender to what is. Let go of what was. Have faith in what will be. -- Sonia Ricotti

Posts: 625 | Registered: Dec 2012

catlover50♀ 37154Member # 37154

Posted: 11:48 AM, April 28th (Sunday), 2013

Thanks mama!

Dday -9/24/2012
Reconciling

Posts: 2023 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast

918Mama♀ 37756Member # 37756

Posted: 12:53 PM, April 28th (Sunday), 2013

Anytime :-)

And I meant cure, not cute. I hate my iPhone!!!!!

Surrender to what is. Let go of what was. Have faith in what will be. -- Sonia Ricotti