A little trail of breadcrumbs left behind as I make my way through the path of eating disorder treatment and recovery. So I can find my way back to appreciate the journey.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Wait a minute, wait a minute.....not everyone's brain works like this??!

And I'm in the MINORITY?

Huh.

I have a fast brain. What movie is that, Ghostbusters maybe?, when the card catalogue opens up and cards fly everywhere? That's what my brain is doing most of the time. A simple decision is never simple. In about three seconds I've already flipped through about 45 alternate endings and have filtered to the one I think is the best one. And it always sort of feels like my brain is buzzing.

Today we talked about my testing from yesterday. You know what's even more awkward than taking a test in a little room filled with super uncomfortable questions about every component of your self esteem and physchological make up?

Having to further explain your answers.

Uncomfortable.

Necessary, but UNCOMFORTABLE.

And then add in a fire drill.

Because after all, this is MY life and OF COURSE a fire drill would happen while I'm sitting in a room talking about my brain feeling like a card catalogue from a scene in a movie.

But, as it turns out, brains don't have to be in overdrive like that all the time. Huh. In fact, she said she was sorry that I lived with that going on for so long because it would be so easily helped.

That was after she asked how I felt about medication so hopefully we can avoid a One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest sort of scenario.

I have a LOT of trouble managing anxiety and I know that medication will probably be a great tool for me to get it under control enough to start healing the other parts of my disorder. I will say that I am nervous to be medicated but I guess. It's not like I'm going to be the only actor who's medicating, right? You must still be able to FEEL things and convey emotional states, right? Why do I feel like I have to feel tortured to be a good actor? Or well, if we're being honest, to be a person?

The meeting with the medicine lady will be in two weeks. Time enough for me to obsess about anti-anxiety medication. Flip through that card file and back again. Maybe see a little green ghost eating a bunch of hot dogs? OK.....I'm not THAT crazy.