“Our DNS server is down and our lead computer tech Wendell is down in Atlanta with his whole team, getting their photo taken with Xena, Warrior Princess,” said local CEO Timothy Chasington.

“I’ve been trying to get our firewall administrator Silvia to talk me through changing the VLAN trunk configuration, but she just keeps texting me back, ‘I just hugged the Fifth and Seventh Doctors!'” said Technical Manager Kris Terblanche. “Or she sends me photos of her dressed up as some character called ‘Hit Girl.'”

“We really should just temporarily shut down our business every year at this time,” said Terblanche.

ERRATUM (9/5/13, 10:46 am): We at the Chattanooga Bystander were informed that “DragonCon,” with no space between “Dragon” and “Con,” is an incorrect spelling of the event’s name. The proper event name is “Dragon Con: A Gathering For Nerds.” The Chattanooga Bystander regrets the error.

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Francis Porkloin is a reporter for today, for you, for me, for us, for our children, for our children's children, and for our children's children's grandparents - which is us, again. Francis Porkloin is devoted to giving a voice to all people, including those who do not have mouths or have had them wired shut and can only make incomprehensible "Mmmrph! Mmmrph!" sounds. Francis Porkloin is committed to delivering the unbiased truth and telling the stories that others have no interest in telling - and that the public has no interest in hearing. Francis Porkloin is a Sagittarius.

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