It’s what they call the whole spectrum of human emotion, or primate anyway. They’re so stunned they wander for a while through digressions like whether the sperm donor in question was named after a pair of pants or not.

One loyalist with the wonderful moniker “Solid Wood” insists it can’t be true, must be a liberal media lie, until someone sends the two-word death sentence: “Fox confirms.” Then he settles for calling everyone who mentions the story a leftwing troll.

The problem with shutting down the story, a Freeper’s natural response to embarrassing news, is that it conflicts with the social conservative’s Prime Directive: butting in to everybody else’s business as often and as loudly as possible. So when one blushing Palin fan tries to dismiss the story as “No biggie,” another chastens him: “Yeah it is; the kid needs a father.”

Others try blaming the media and the dems (known as “demonrats” on FR) for the pregnancy, as if Nancy Pelosi and Katie Couric were leaning over the back seat of Levi’s F150 chanting to Bristol, “Do it! Do it!”

A poster calling himself Popdonnelly recalls with a sigh the happier days of his youth: “Back in the day, they’d get out the shotgun.”

“Deannadurbin” holds out for stigmatizing the kid the old-school way, because God has left clear instructions that bastards should be reminded of their status early and often:

“It does reflect badly on Sarah’s conservatism that her own daughter doesn’t seem to realize the biblically right thing to do is to get married. There has been ample time to do what God would have Bristol do. Why the delay until after the baby is born? Right now the baby is illegitimate and that used to be a stigma and rightly so.”

But the Biblical sharia solution is so cruel and stupid that all sorts of other posters, almost all women, react violently to “deannadurbin’s” posts. “Tax-Chick” points out the obvious: “In the long run, her NOT marrying a loser might turn out to be the best thing for the baby,” then goes on to paste a happy ending on the story: “In a couple of years, Bristol might meet a nice man with an education and a future.” Another freeperette responds more aggressively: “How nasty to brand an infant with a stigma when the infant had no say in the matter. That was disgusting.”

Deannadurbin stands her ground: “Then you probably think past generations of your ancestors were “disgusting” too because they considered out of wedlock births illegitimate and shameful. Such families were ASHAMED because they couldn’t control their trampy daughters who opened their legs for men not their husband.”

What upsets the relatively sane Freepers is that Deanna unquestionably has the ideology on her side: “You can’t have it both ways, calling yourself a conservative and then say “anything goes” regarding social mores and principles.”

This is too much for “Ace of Spades”: “If my ancestors stigmatized children for conditions they had no control over, such as the marriage status of their mother, then they were disgusting, as a matter of fact. And so are you.”

Deanna’s antagonist, “phikapmom,” simply breaks off the discussion: “Don’t ever reply to me again on this website and I will do the same to you.” Deanna wants the last word, implicitly conceding that history may not be on her side: “If you are the future of conservatism then it is dead, woman.” Deanna’s argument is based upon a rock, and is not susceptible to appeals to real people living on this planet. She ignores the question of the pain her precious stigma would inflict—is entirely designed to inflict—on the baby in favor of Spike Lee’s catchphrase, as filtered through the Southern Baptists: “Do the RIGHT THING and the GODLY THING and give your baby his father’s name.”

The funny, creepy thing here is that Deanna really does have the Bible on her side, and can’t help saying so, even when the opposable-thumbs faction on FR would rather tiptoe past the matter. She screams, “I guess you call God Himself “disgusting”, for God is clear in His word that babies are conceived in SIN. How dare God be so mean to babies as to call them sinners? When you croak and face judgement will you have the temerity to tell God He was mistaken? ‘Behold, I was shapen in iniquity; and in sin did my mother conceive me.’ – Psalm 51:5”

Yup, that’s the real old-school sound of true scripture, all right. There’s no mistaking that combination of wordy pomposity with vicious misogyny.

Since very, very few Freepers are willing to say that God is, indeed, a disgusting old lunatic, the debate dribbles away into pure comedy. One bright spark tries to disarm Deanna by reminding her that Jefferson was an adulterer: “I guess you hate Jefferson too.” But she is not to be moved from that aged rock, replying with a response that would have Charles Portis scrambling for his notebook: “I like Thomas Jefferson fine enough, but God’s word is more important.”

The funniest moment comes when one of FR’s many pseudointellectuals tries to heal the rift by offering a compromise: stigmatize the mother, but not the baby. “People need to distinguish between stigmatising the illegitimate child, which I haven’t seen anyone advocating here, and stigmatising the parents.”

That’s thinking outside the box! “Kid, your mother is a filthy whore…but of course that’s no reflection on you.”

The funny thing is, these fundie idiots have it utterly wrong. Trip is NOT a bastard in the biblical sense. That only applies to a married woman conceiving by a man not her husband. Two unwed youngsters having an oops did not result in a “bastard”, whether or not they married. Fathers bailed on their kids back then too.

Not that “the bible” or its worldview approve of out-of-wedlock babies, and such a child would have undoubetdly had a hard enough time to possibly content even the freeper poster you mention, but he would not have been outcast. He would have been a legitimate member (albeit in very poor social standing) of the tribe.

4. Mark | March 13th, 2009 at 3:46 am

Perhaps the first person to ever openly, literally advocate ‘stigmatizing’ anyone. That he didn’t really understand what he was doing makes it all the more glorious.

5. zip | March 13th, 2009 at 3:54 am

she’s getting fat anyway…

6. Subutai | March 13th, 2009 at 6:45 am

Yet, we still wonder why the Romans threw these types to the wild beasts eh!.

7. Jasen Comstock | March 13th, 2009 at 7:31 am

SA’s Levi Johnson series of articles are some of the best reading on the entire internet for the last six months.

8. Baked Dr. Luny | March 13th, 2009 at 8:46 am

And to think, back in the dark ages I used to frequent that website. I certainly have come a long way.

9. christian | March 13th, 2009 at 8:52 am

Yes, I think Sarah Palin should run her campaign on a solid bed of Family values and castigate people who believe in birth control methods; The Bible says a person who cannot lead their own family should not lead in the Chirch but i guess she is above the Bible she so ardently believes in. Did anyone notice the multiple pictures freely posted on both Bristol and Levi’s facebook pages before the Mccain campaign took them down and turned them into Bible pages? You know, the ones with them holding bottles of Jack Daniels and Vodka? I guess that stuff doesnt matter when you are a lying hypocrite. I am just thankful the Amercian people saw through her utter hypocrisy. She is not fit to lead and should not be a governor even. She is utterly false as is evident by her attempts to cover all of this up instead of taking her medicine. This is what makes her dispicable and completely unfit to lead anyone. Truly, no matter what politics you support. I mean it bleeds from every action from her winking to her wardrobe fiasco, to pulling down all those pictures from facebook which offered true glimpses into their lives. What is very very scary is she stands up in church and speaks in tongues and accepts the laying on of hands while living these lies and hypocrisy. I thank you lord that we were able to stop this wicked woman from leading our nation into an even greater morass which may have resulted in our utter destruction. to you supporters of her i tell you you are traitors to the USA if you cant see what damage she would have done to us in this trying time; furthermore the Republican Party leaders who crafted this campaign should faces Treason charges for trying to cover all of her falsehoods and manipulations up and foist this feckless creature upon our nation. that would be true if there were justice in the land. the republican party has become far more dangerous to us than Bin laden ever was.

10. SlashSmiley | March 13th, 2009 at 9:43 am

Holy Red States! I love watching the Freepers explode into all shades of crazy like the next guy, but this FR thread is unexpectedly epic!

In all seriousness, though, this is what scares me about them: Machiavellian, yet Christian. Unforgiving, yet Jesus freaks. Cognitive dissonance en masse is tough to fight, can’t be reasoned with and has acid for blood.

Nuke it from orbit. It’s the only way to be sure. Or just run Sarah Palin on the next presidential ticket. That will do nicely. Now where did I put that glass of Jameson?

11. idlefritz | March 13th, 2009 at 1:43 pm

“Others try blaming the media and the dems (known as “demonrats” on FR) for the pregnancy, as if Nancy Pelosi and Katie Couric were leaning over the back seat of Levi’s F150 chanting to Bristol, “Do it! Do it!””

I LOL’d.

12. Kotek Besar | March 13th, 2009 at 11:20 pm

A second ago I typed “There is no “god”” in response to this article, clicked on “submit”… and my pc got disconnected. I guess I’m wrong about that!

13. Ravenous | March 14th, 2009 at 5:36 am

Oh. My. God. As a conservative and a Christian I can hardly believe the vindictive hate and maliciousness of the idiot Freepers. What I can believe in however is the refusal to accept in-your-face facts. It’s not that they are stupid, they just refuse to accept uncomfortable truths. Rather let the world go to hell, but no, cannot and will not admit being wrong. Rather like the worst of the worst of the liberals.

14. Nergol | March 14th, 2009 at 1:14 pm

Dolan;

You may have heard of this guy called Jesus. He said something about people without sin casting the first stone. He expected, and got, no takers. People forget that a lot. They also forget that for centuries, virtually the only people caring for orphans and the poor. Just because brutal redneck assholes who read the Bible because they like stories about old yahoodies tolchocking each other insist on confusing themselves with Christians doesn’t mean that you should buy it.

There’s good reason to say that the ideal situation for a child is a stable, married mother and father. It is. I know – I did without that and wished for it more than anything. But sometimes the ideal doesn’t happen. That’s life. You should neither lose sight of the ideal nor live without a plan for what to do when it doesn’t pan out that way.

The Palins were a redneck disaster zone from day one. What happened to urbane, intellectual conservatism? Is this the movement of William F. Buckley and P.J. O’Rourke that I decided I liked when I was 13 and started reading National Review in the high Reagan years? How the mighty have fallen…

Buckley urbane and intellectual? Oh yeah, like the time he called Gore Vidal a faggot…

16. Greg Foreman | March 15th, 2009 at 9:26 am

Nergol, the reason for your lament is the conservative movement has been hijacked by the Neo-Cons. Neo-Cons are basically liberals who decided to destroy conservatives by joining them instead of battling them. Someday the conservatives will have to have to purge their ranks of these liberals and return to their core ideals before they can hope to gain the trust of their base again. The problem is the neo-cons are very good at using the liberal electioneering techniques and as it is said, one doesn’t argue with success. Winning elections gives them credibility to the party. So the purge may be a long time coming.

17. Yet Another Christian | March 15th, 2009 at 9:41 am

Thank you! After reading this thread, I realized that I wasn’t unique. It’s tough being a real Christian in the United States. On one side we have the Atheists, who secretely want to ban our religion, like Stalin did. (Atheists also understand that the Constitution is a Living Document, but the Bible somehow, to them, is not a Living Document, and anyone who says so is illogical!) On the other side we have the Fundamentalists, who work hard to discredit our religion every single day.

Thank you Dolan for using harsh methods to weed out hypocrites from Christians. By the comments of Christians in this thread, and by Dolan’s article, I realized that there are more of us, then I initially thought. We should start a True Christian Party of America, and follow Jesus’ actions, rather then the words of the all Testament. Jesus healed everyone He saw (Universal Healthcare), Jesus taught everyone He saw (Universal and Affordable Education), He was against warfare, unless you had no other options, (after the right and left cheecks got hit) – Jesus really rocked!

18. Mike Rotch | March 15th, 2009 at 8:41 pm

Negrol,

Minor correction- Jesus didn’t say anything about people without sin casting the first stone. That verse was not in the original Gospel of John or any other gospel. It was added much later.

The neo cons must’ve hijacked the conservative movement about forty years ago, because Barry Goldwater was the last ethical Republican. Maybe Ron Paul.

Or maybe you’re applying conspiracy theories to inoperable themes.

20. Robert | March 16th, 2009 at 5:31 pm

The sad reality of the situation, the whole marriage thing was a cynical exercise in marketing. At least the grand parents on one side, never hand any intention of pushing that marriage onto their daughter, which is why they never got married prior to the birth and put the right wing stamp of approval on the child. So one stupid misadventure with a red neck jock strap will end up haunting that poor girl for the rest of her life, as for the poltical parents, cynical ‘it’s all about public face’ slime.

21. anoninom | March 17th, 2009 at 2:57 pm

Freeper-madness.

22. Jack Boot | March 18th, 2009 at 11:25 am

The Palin bastard perfectly illustrates the effectiveness of abstinence education; come to that, Sarah’s little Pillsbury Doughboy illustrates the primacy of ideology over common sense. Honestly, anyone who knowingly carries a Mongoloid fetus to term is a raving fanatic -thank Zeus she lost…

23. Rocko | March 20th, 2009 at 1:41 pm

Whoa conservative Exiled readers, how cute.

Is there a good conservative forum that embraces critical debate and enforces rules to foster it? Not a rhetorical question, I genuinely would like to frequent it.

24. timmy the dying boy | March 21st, 2009 at 9:53 pm

FR would be a lot more fun if it wasn’t so damn hard to read and follow. That software they use must be from 1988.

25. CSI | March 22nd, 2009 at 9:36 am

Has anyone over at Free Republic ever realized the total irony of their viewpoints being more in line with a lot of totalitarian regimes and theocracies than the America they claim to love?

Here’s a quick rule of thumb to tell if someone’s full off shit: how many American flags do they wave around when they try to sell you on something and how prominent are those flags? The more flags, the more bullshit. FREEP, FOX news, etc.

Don’t believe me? Outside of a political rally, what other location can you find the most American flags on display?

That’s right: car lots.

26. Carpenter | March 22nd, 2009 at 4:42 pm

Very true:

Nergol, the reason for your lament is the conservative movement has been hijacked by the Neo-Cons. Neo-Cons are basically liberals who decided to destroy conservatives by joining them instead of battling them. Someday the conservatives will have to have to purge their ranks of these liberals and return to their core ideals before they can hope to gain the trust of their base again. The problem is the neo-cons are very good at using the liberal electioneering techniques and as it is said, one doesn’t argue with success. Winning elections gives them credibility to the party. So the purge may be a long time coming.

And aleke, learn some facts before posting. The neocon movement is a very real thing, and it controls the Republican in-house debate forums, the Weekly Standard and National Review. William Buckley, founder of National Review, said before his death that he regretted allowing the neocons to take over. But I guess you know more than Buckley about what went on at National Review, since you deny the neocon movement’s existence. And never mind that the neocons in the Bush government wrote books bragging about how they launched the Wars Against Israel’s Enemies – I’m sorry, the “War on Terrorism”.

The neocons are all about foreign policy – specifically securing the Middle East for Israel, by e.g. attacking Iraq, which had been a loyal American ally until Washington turned against them. The neocons care nothing about traditional conservative values, such as fiscal responsibility. They do care about mass immigration – not making anything up, they say so themselves. But since Free Republic is partly financed by, shall we say, wealthy friends of Israel, this is all forbidden to mention at FR. Which leads to debates about nonsense that shouldn’t really matter to conservative Americans who have much bigger problems facing them.

Funny thing is, the only Republicans still dumb enough to support the neocon-hijacked GOP are often the same ones who swoon over fundamentalist Christian conservatism, which the neocons hate with a passion. Real conservatives are looking elsewhere for solutions.

27. gasparilla | March 22nd, 2009 at 8:27 pm

no wonder the exile got booted out of russia….bad content.

who gives a fuck about anything palin?

this article is weak. find some real content ames. if it wasnt for the war nerd i would stop reading your shit completely.

Listen to the Radio War Nerd podcast [subscribe here] with guest Gunnar Hrafn Jonsson of Iceland Public Radio on the massacre in Orlando and how online Islamic State jihadis are dealing with battlefield defeats and the shrinking caliphate. Subscribe to Radio War Nerd through the show’s Patreon page.

The political establishment’s racist, authoritarian reaction to the 1992 LA riots—blaming broken black families, massing cops and troops, and Ron Paul’s advice to his family on how to kill black “animals” and get away with it…