How do you get 19 month olds to listen?

I am at my wits end with my twins. They are so completely opposite of their older brothers personality and I just have no experience with kids who just will not listen to me. They are all over the place and into everything and no matter how many times I tell them we don't do something or no, or even smack their hand, do timeout, whatever it doesn't phase them and they do the same thing 12 times the next day.

I spend my whole day screaming because I'm just so frustrated and can't deal with it anymore. They climb on EVERYTHING and of course this leads to daily injuries but it doesn't phase them at all. We took most of the furniture out of the livingroom for their safety but even what's little is left they find a way to make dangerous. If there is nothing really to climb on they make something to climb on. Piling up toys or whatever they have access to.

One of them likes to pull hair. Particularly his 4 year old brother's hair. And nothing I've tried will make him stop. I resorted to smacking his hand and he cried twice and now he laughs at it. I'm trying now to almost ignore it. Like not say anything at all just very quietly without giving him any real attention take his hand away and get my four year old where he's out of reach. Too soon to tell if that is helping, but they obviously love the attention negative or not.

My ODS was such an obedient, easy kid this is throwing me for a loop that I have two difficult toddlers. Everything is a fight with them. They don't like to sit still for diaper changes so it's like a wrestling match trying to hold them down and change a poopy diaper and while I'm doing this with one the other will come up and try to grab the poop out of the dirty diaper or grab his brother's poop butt, etc. And no matter how times I say no it's completely useless. They flip out when I try to get them dressed or put their jacket on and when I get them into their carseats. Although once in the carseat they are awesome and will stay in a stroller/carseat for hours well behaved. I guess that's one plus.

I have just got them sleeping pretty well in the last couple months. They used to wake every hour (each so I was up every 30 minutes) for nights on end. Now they wake 1-2 times each and occasionally will STTN. I thought things would get easier once we were all sleeping better, but I'm just as much if not more on edge now because of their behavior.

I think this winter of all of us being sick for months on end is also taking it's toll on me. I'm just so exhausted and I don't want to be this person who is always yelling and losing her temper but these kids have me so overwhelmed.

So how do you do it? How do you get 19 month olds to respond to discipline or to just listen in general? I never wanted to spank and what little I tried with the hairpulling was a huge fail. They don't seem to understand the concept of timeout and the only place I can really keep them apart is their crib but they don't mind being put their so it isn't punishment. They laugh at the word NO, so I try what I did with ODS which was more of "We don't do x, y, z, but I'm not sure they understand that.

My greatest fear is this is not a phase at all. My twins have been difficult one way or another since birth and I just think I'm doomed here.

Comments (11)

I'm so sorry. That sounds really tough. I don't really have any advice because mine are a little bit behind yours. Do your boys have an outlet for their energy? Can you get them out to play? Mine are so much better behaved when we've gone outside for an hour or so. I don't take them to the park or anything just our tiny little backyard. We have swings, push toys, balls etc. They get filthy because the snow is starting to melt but they have fun and can be a little wild. How's your schedule? Our's is pretty predictable but it works for them. Sometimes I find on rough days if I stop yelling/crying/getting frustrated and sit down and play with them it helps alot.

I don't know if these suggestions help at all. I'm sure someone here will have some amazing advice. Good luck!

I'm sorry. It is probably just their age. My oldest DS was like this at that age. We started time outs at 18 months. You have to be consistent. Every time they run out of time out you put them back. I know its hard. DS1 drove me nuts and there was only one of him and he was my first. With my DS1 he used to laugh when I put him in time out (he is an overly silly kid, still is and he's 7) or slap him on his hand. Which in turn would make me want to scream. I will say he isn't that way now. Yes he likes to be silly and he is still learning when silliness is appropriate and when its not. But he does well in school and is respectful of his teachers. Do you do any classes with them? I find winter time with toddlers is rough if you don't (or they dont) have an outlet for their energy. Reward charts when they are old enough to understand worked wonders for him.

I've got 19 month old twins as well and know what you're talking about. I think it's also a frustrating time for the toddlers because they have such an elementary grasp on communication. I can tell my toddlers know what they want, but they don't always know how to tell me, and it really bugs them!

My only trick is to keep my cool. I am prone to screaming but I'm working so hard to react calmly and focus on things they CAN do (i.e. we don't hit the cat, we pet him gently like this...). My kids already know when they get a rise out of me, so I'm trying to show them I can handle them without getting riled. I also feel like I say the same things 100x per day, but it has to stick eventually right? Hang in there!!

Do they get outdoor play time? I notice a huge difference when my kids get to run wild outside a bit.

Don't yell or scream.
Try explaining things to them instead of just saying no. I think after hearing no over & over they start to tune it out. Hair pulling for examPle- instead of no, tell them be nice & make his hair inaccessible. The younger twins (2yr 4m)were smacking me on the face while sitting on my lap a few weeks ago. I held their hand, looked them in the eye, said be nice, then stood up and put them down on the chair. After about 8x, they stopped. You just have to be consistent. I know it's tiring.
As for the climbing, I remove anything that can be used to access off limit items, including toys. Furniture is set up so it doesn't give them access.
Are they still taking bottles at night? I ask because Neither set STTN until we dropped bottles at a year. Have you considered sleep training?
Diaper changes- it helps if you stay calm. I've started counting with them during changes. They focus on my face & voice & repeat & hold still.
It really is just a phase. I've found it helpful to remind myself that they are just learning, they know nothing when they are born. It really changed for us when the older boys turned 4.5.

That sounds just like our boys at 19 months. What a handful. They spent half the time fighting, and the other half of the time working together on wanton destruction. First of all I'll say that it does get much easier. At 2 1/2 they are much better at listening to me, controlling impulses and understanding consequences.

Getting outside, twice and day if possible, is a big help. I've always found the calmest moments of our day are when they are roaming free in a nice enclosed toddler park. They're using up energy, they have more space from each other, and you're not having to direct or control them.

Timeouts: I found timeouts helpful at that age (at age 2 1/2, not so much). You mention that they're not working as they don't see the crib as a punishment. I would suggest trying to think of timeouts a different way. I timeout is a separation from the situation, and a cooldown time. It's a chance for both the child and parent to get a breather a calm down, rather than a punishment.

Time ins: try to give each child a little personal attention each day. Really try to engage and play with them. Let them direct play (if they don't tell you what to do, just copy them). Be attentive and comment on what their doing: "you put the red block on top", "your tower is getting really tall!", "Uh-oh!". Don't ask questions or try to "teach" them in this time. This is their "i am in control, this is my time" time. If the other twin starts to feel left out during a "time in", abandon and try again later when the other twin is more absorbed in something.

Saying no: it sounds like you've babyproofed really well, but if there are any particular places where you are saying no again and again, see if there's anything else you can do to babyproof. The less times you have to say no, the better. Perhaps get rid of a toy that's causing fights or getting used as a weapon, and bring it back out again in a few months? Try to use positive language as much as possible, rather than "don't climb on the chair", say "please get down".

Yelling: try to stay calm. When you yell your kids know that you're not in control of this situation. This is REALLY hard! I read a really helpful article recently about yelling: www.janetlansbury.com/2013/02/i-thi...

Things will get better, I promise! Or, at least, the listening thing will get better, and you've have some new problem to worry about :-) Sending you a big hug!

Not that I have perfected this by any means but... I find saying yes as much as possible helps. I try redirecting them physically and verbally whenever possible makes a difference too. Explain why something is a no and why the new activity is a yes. I have also had to reallyt let go of what I chose to worry about too. My oldest had me hovering and heping with every "unsafe" little thing. Now I just stop and see if they can figure it out on their own and they usually do really well. Things like jumping off the couch were no-no's and now it is a daily game. And at the end of the day I remind myself that each phase passes quickly and try to find what I enjoyed about each kid each day.

My twins are 19 months old and don't listen all that well. Like you, my ODD was and is a good listener and just has a calmer disposition. I think most of it is just a phase that will improve as their ability to communicate does. Right now there is a lot of fighting, crying, & whining in my house. It is hard becasue their actions fuel each other and things can escalae quickly.

It is hard to, but it is best when I stay calm ,(have yelled though and probably will again, I just don't see any real outcome from it). We started timeouts in a pack-n-play in our dining room until they got used to it. Sometimes I have to stand right in front of their time out area to make sure they don't escape. I just silently move them back into timeout. We have been doing this about 2 months and most of the time they will stay in time out now. Another alternative is that I take them away from what they are doing and hold them for the timeout, usually hugging my arms over theirs. They don't like it and they fight it, but they also don't want to do it again.

I also only intervene if there is a major issue. I can't spend my life being their referree, so unless someone is freaking out or I think they are going to get aggressive, I let them work it out.

I certainly don't have all the answers, I will be following this thread for helpful advice and just pray we will move into an easier stage soon!