Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Couchsurfer Emails

Before we get started, two quick things. First, the somewhat neglected mommy blog has a tacky craft competition going this week, so please head over there and send in your submission.

Second, I want to thank everyone again for all you've done to share Stranger with your friends through your blogs, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, going door-to-door, smearing the blog address with blood onto mirrors in public bathrooms, etc. Thanks to you, we have over 12,000 likes on the Facebook page AND like 12 very disappointed people are following me on Twitter. A couple of friends have been telling me for a while that I need to do a better job of asking people to share Stranger. So that's what I'm doing now: please share this or other posts, recent or otherwise that you enjoy. I'll keep writing if you keep reading and spreading the word. Deal?

Oh my gosh. I just asked you to do 2 things. Being a virtual friend with me is basically like a part-time job. I'll pay you $6.50 an hour and not a penny more!

Because of the German couchsurfer experience last week, we are taking a small break from couchsurfing. This is mostly because of something Daniel said to me 12 seconds after we dropped the couchsurfers off at the airport:

"You will NOT accept another couchsurfer if you want me to still be in your life."

I'm now in the process of declining the 20 or so requests I currently have pending. Because it would be a shame if Daniel exited my life. Who would reach the stuff on the top shelf?

The standard rejection was getting boring. Plus I hate saying no to people. So instead I started accepting them in ways that would make them retract their requests. Below, I include some of my favorites so far:

From: JulienTo: EliSubject: Please to stay
Hi I'm julien and I please to stay for a few night. I am traveling Palau and rock island fotos so prety. May I stay a week in your flat? I also have with me small travel companion dog but no trouble and will not cause to the problems.

From: EliTo: JulienSubject: Please to stay

Awesome Julien!!! Dog is so difficult to get in Palau. Sometimes I feel like I bought that stupid barbecue for nothing! How big is he? Will we need to keep the group small or could he feed a larger crowd?

*****

From: TannerTo: EliSubject: Palau Visit

Hey you seem like a really cool guy and I think we have a lot in common. I am planning on coming to Palau for about 5 days and could really use a place to crash and rides to and from the airport. Help a brother out?

From: EliTo: TannerSubject: Palau Visit

I think so Tanner! You'll have to stay in my bedroom with me though because the guest bedroom is still technically a "crime scene."

From: TannerTo: EliSubject: Palau Visit

Change of plans. Thanks anyway!

*****

From: MichaelTo: EliSubject: Palau

Hey my two buddies and I are coming to dive in Palau in March for about a week and need a place to crash. We're also looking for some good people to party with and you seem like a cool guy.

From: EliTo: MichaelSubject: Palau

Michael,

I am very interested in having you come stay with me as long as you all agree to obey the house rules.

Eli

From: MichaelTo: EliSubject: Palau

Ya man! Whatever! We'll be clean and everything. We're low key guys.

From: EliTo: MichaelSubject: Palau

Good. The rules are as follows:

1. There is a strictly enforced 7:00 PM curfew.
2. Group Bible study starts at 5:00 AM and concludes at 7:00 AM.
3. You must find your own bathroom to use.
4. My daughter is 5 years old and I insist that you provide child care for her during the day while I'm at work.
5. Arms and legs must be covered at all times while in the house.
6. No peeing on the kitchen floor.

From: CandiceTo: EliSubject: Palau trip
Looking for a clean place to stay while I visit Palau in March. I am also clean and won't be a burden. Looking to stay 4 days but may extend. Would that work for you?

From: EliTo: CandiceSubject: Palau trip
Great Candice! Stay as long as you would like! Would you mind bringing a couple of bottles of that special shampoo that kills lice? You can't get it here and my roommate and I are seriously dying. We will pay you back.

*****﻿

From: JasonTo: EliSubject: Diving in Palau

Hey man. I'm coming to Palau to dive for a few days. Can you spot me a couch?

From: EliTo: JasonSubject: Diving in Palau

Of course. I'll need you to help me with a few things.

From: JasonTo: EliSubject: Diving in Palau

Ok no problem man. I'm happy to help out while I'm there.

From: EliTo: JasonSubject: Diving in Palau

Animals need to be fed and cows milked starting at 3:00AM every morning. Stables cleaned daily. Product must be walked to the market by noon sharp. No exceptions. A mistake will come out of your allowance. Animals must be tended to all afternoon. Evenings, ma will have supper out at 6:00 so you must be washed and ready by then. You are welcome to listen to our Christian radio programs with us until it's time to turn in at 8:30 or engage in your own personal study.

From: JasonTo: EliSubject: Diving in Palau
Are you serious? You have a farm and you want me to work at it all day? I'm coming to Palau to go diving not take care of your animals.

From: EliTo: JasonSubject: Diving in Palau

You can go diving once you get your chores done.

*****

From: Nakki

To: Eli

Subject: May I visit

I will like to visit from Japan and need a couch. May you be awailabl?

From: EliTo: Nakki

Subject: May I visit

Shoot! I'm actually not selling my couch right now. I recommend Craigslist. Just make sure you check the couch out in person before you commit to anything. Learned that one the hard way. Last time I'll trust anybody who says they stole a "high quality" couch from a person they murdered on it.

From: Nakki

To: Eli

Subject: May I visit

I think you not understanding. I will like to couchsurf in Palau not to purchase couch. I am traveling Japan to Palau and will like to couchsurf.

From: Eli

To: Nakki

Subject: May I visit

I think you'll be really disappointed. The waves are very small in Palau and it makes surfing almost impossible. I suggest that instead you come to Palau to play video games. It's very hot here so you should stay inside the entire time.

From: Nakki

To: Eli

Subject: May I visit

I am traveling from Japan not to surf. I will like to know if your flat is available for visit. Are you available for visit?

From: Eli

To: Nakki

Subject: May I visit

I thought you'd NEVER ask! Yes! I am available for a visit! I have always wanted to go to Japan! What should I bring? I'll be there by Friday. Can you get work off so we can just hang out? Do you have a tandem bike we could ride together?

*****

From: Brian

To: Eli

Subject: April Stay

Hi, I'm going to be traveling through the islands and I would like to stay with you. I looked at your profile and it seems like we will get along really well. I plan to stay for about 4 days in April. Can you host me?

To: Brian

From: Eli

Subject: April Stay

Can I host you?! Do cats make better companions than people!? Of course I can host you!

From: Brian

To: Eli

Subject: April Stay

Awesome man. I'll be in touch as the date gets closer.

From: Eli

To: Brian

Subject April Stay

Hey Mary. I just got some guy on couchsurfers to agree to come in April. Do you still have those handcuffs? And is Bart going to be out of prison by then?

From: Eli

To: Brian

Subject: April Stay

OMG Brian! I just sent you a message that was supposed to go to someone else. Will you please delete it and not read it? It doesn't concern you so I don't want to waste your time with it.

48 comments:

Ha ha ha ha ha! Just... ha ha ha ha dude you are hilarious. Oh and first comment! This is awesome, too bad I don't have anything interesting to say, I'm just reading this at 5 am and laughing like a mad woman because I am still being stalked by a centipede... it just went under my bed...

I have to tell you Ive been tortured about whether I should tell you that last week in Palau, some native people (a mob of them) killed a woman for being a witch--in an extremely gruesome way. I didnt want to leave a comment, because I knew your parents would probabaly be worried and freak. I was very worried about you, and even shared my concerns with my husband and older kids. Then I ran across the story again, and realised it was actually PAPAU, NEW GUINEA--well, you can imagine my relief.

I REALLY do hope you'll write a post about your encounters with these people when they actually come to Palau. I mean, you said it's small with a Cheers-esque, everybody-knows-your-name quality, right? So ... they'll probably mention that weird Eli guy who wanted to handcuff them and whose spare bedroom is a crime scene. I'm just saying ... we NEED the follow up.

This was awesome. Thanks for the laugh this morning. I do tell everyone I can about you and plan to post/email your borsch recipe blog post to everyone I know because I can't stop talking about it. I can't stop thinking about it actually. Eli, I think I am addicted to borsch!!

I have shared your blog with all of my friends and family, and gotten several of them hooked in the process. Keep writing man! If I had twitter, I would follow you, but for now, I'll stick to facebook. These are hilarious, I especially enjoyed the "crime scene" one and the last one. You are too funny. These people need to visit your blog, not your couchsurfing profile! Next time someone asks you if they can stay with you, just send them a link to your blog.

Any thoughts I MAY have had about participating in couchsurfing have now been thoroughly drowned, much to my mother's relief. I may not be addicted to borsch, but I think I'm addicted to your blog. Do you offer help for that?

Eli-I have been sending people to your blog since I first came across it a few months ago. I often share the link on Facebook, as well as tell all my offline friends as well. As a matter of fact, your blog is talked about at the local bar that I hang out at here in Las Vegas. And you get many laughs, especially the TMZ letters. I have yet to follow you on twitter, but then again you aren't following me either and I only took it mildly personally.

I wish I were as brave as you, stranger. You're always playing pranks on the world. I'm such a people pleaser I worry that somehow the 10 out of...what are we up to now...the 7(?) billion people on this planet will find out it was me who messed with them. And then they will hate me. Forever and ever.

Best line was when you said he needed to babysit your kid while you were at work. And he bought it, as if you leave your child unattended, except for those times you are lucky enough to have a couchsurfer.

HA!!!! Oh man, these are hilarious. Particularly so as I just hosted my first two couchsurfers this week. Also loved your story about couchsurfing on youtube. Me thinks my experiences were quite a bit more tame than yours have been.

This blog is literally the funniest thing I've ever found. I found it a few weeks ago, and now I read it almost every day when I need a good laugh. However, I have to refrain from reading it in public because of the hysterical laughing fits that usually occur.I went home from college last weekend and showed my mom, and she loved it as well, so I have been doing my duty and sharing this blog with otehrs :)

Baby, you light up my world like nobody else! The way that you flip your hair gets me overwhelmed...but, when you smile at the ground it ain't hard to tell you don't knoooow you don't know you're beautiful!