Your window into the female mind. This is a subreddit dedicated to asking women questions about behavior, anatomy, habits or anything else that might baffle you. We welcome inquiries from everyone into the mysteries of the feminine.

Our mission is to provide a place where all women can comfortably and candidly present their viewpoints for community discussion in a non-judgmental space. To further that goal, we have a few...

The quick and dirty version (click the graphic for the full set):

About what you post:

Use the search tool and FAQ before you post.No pot-stirring.No agenda questions. This is not your personal soapbox.No dating/relationship advice questions.No seeking medical advice.

About how you post it:

Post titles must be a descriptive question and searchable using keywords, or will be removed.No personal attacks.No gendered slurs.No graceless posts or comments generalizing gender.No excluding groups of women based on demographics.No misogyny, misandry, transphobia, ageism, racism, general assholery, or otherwise hateful or disrespectful commentary.No derailing. Talk via PM or start a new thread.No specifying majority demographics.

About links:

Links MUST be accompanied by a summary.No posting personal pictures.No linking to other forums.No linking to /r/askwomen.No self-promotion.No using URL-shortening sites.

Violating any of these rules will result in moderator action.

Downvote only to indicate that either a comment or post does not add to discussion; not to indicate disagreement. AskWomen benefits from honest answers with a variety of perspectives. On that note, saying, "Be honest," is rude and unnecessary. Familiarize yourself with Reddit 101. Use the report button on all comments and posts that violate the rules in the sidebar. Add flair! We have flair for men, women, transgender, and gender neutral. Be specific: ask a general question, get a general answer. Whether you are a woman or a man, please do not speak for all women. While men can still offer input, if your view conflicts with a woman's, we ask that you do not downvote or invalidate her response.

Reading askmen today and I'm noticing two advice trends I disagree with but have heard before from guys. 1) Guys suggesting that they'll lose interest if a girl doesn't have sex right away (I don't think sex makes a relationship more likely and a guy who is really into a girl will wait more than three dates) and 2) Be cocky and make sure they know you have other options (I've only known a few girls who go for this).

This got me thinking what advice do women give that isn't so great. The one I can think of is "He'll totally call!" (or commit or propose). I think sometimes women encourage each other to keep hope alive when maybe it is time to move on.

I find "Be confident" to be the most useless piece of crap advice ever. Sorrytoeveryonewhousesit.

It's not constructive at all. It's an outcome, not an action. You can't be suddenly be confident if you're not. It takes work to become confident & self assured. And what we should be doing instead is giving suggestions of steps to take to end up more confident.

To steal an analogy from /u/Quazz: Telling someone that they should be confident because women are attracted to it is like telling them "just drive" if they've never driven a car before.

If you're not following up "be confident" with examples of steps they can take to do so, it's just a useless platitude.

I think you may have fallen into your own trap here. I find the advice, "work on your self esteem" to be equally useless, and for the same reasons, as "be confident." And "be bolder socially" is basically the same advice as "be more confident." I think Imoirkeee hit the nail on the head when he said that all of these are the byproduct of other actions. When giving advice, I think abstract concepts should be left out of it as much as possible. I like to talk about specific things that increase my happiness and confidence, like exercising, making new recipes I've never tried before, or making contact with friends I haven't talked to in a while. I leave it to whoever is seeking advice to decide whether those are right for them. Maybe they can't cook and have no interest, but they could learn a new song on guitar to the same effect.

I get the point you're making but need to point out that I wasn't actually giving advice/examples in this instance.

Breaking it down into parts is more helpful than just saying "be confident", but still not nearly as helpful as shit like "Work on being bolder socially. For example, work on taking control of conversations. Ask questions (steer conversation), start conversations with people (begin with people you know and then work to people you don't), be aware of the actions that you see social people do in conversation, practice common questions and possible other questions you can branch off with" etc etc etc.

I still don't feel that "be bolder socially" is useful advice. In fact, depending on the person, I don't think "take control of conversations" is particularly useful. If you're dealing with a shy person, they'd probably just nod and that would be the end of that. However, the constituent advice that followed (ask questions, start conversations, etc.) is excellent, and very useful, advice. Those are specific actions someone can take, that have the effect of making them bolder socially, and increasing their confidence. That's the main point I was trying to get at, and what I was referring to when I talked about leaving abstract concepts out of it. "Taking control of conversations" is an abstraction that represents the totality of the specific actions you mentioned. When giving advice, I think it's best to strip away all "summary," and give the "concrete details," as it were. Then, explain why they should do those things. "If you do all of that, you will naturally become more confident, which will make you more attractive."

I think it's helpful to provide an overview of what they are aiming for (be bolder socially, to increase your self confidence) as long as you are then providing concrete examples. It gives the practical advice some context.

this is why i think there is no way to help the men rolling up here looking for answers. they are looking for a personality to imitate and their insecurity blazes out of them like a fucking light house. if i via the internet feel like they are cringe and off putting i can imagine what happens when they're out irl

that's why the only thing anyone can say is "try to be yourself" on the off chance they one day develop a likable personality and become at ease. tense nervous fucked people, like i suspect most of them are, are the pits.

Yeah but the point is you do other things- assert yourself, take chances, honestly assess your strengths/weaknesses, etc. which results in confidence. You don't just walk out the door and yell CONFIDENCE! to the world.

Nope, it's an iterative process. You try acting more confident, you start becoming more confident, you try acting more confident even still... and so on and so forth. It's a gradual process of pushing your boundaries.

It's actually a pretty well established psychological phenomenon. You become the person you act like you are. It even changes your value system--if you start routinely acting dishonest, for instance, even if you think it's wrong, you will start to make rationalizations for yourself and believing it's okay behavior. But I digress.

I guess maybe the take-home lesson is a more thorough description of how to start being confident would be better advice.

OK, I gotta disagree here. Telling someone to get a handle on their personal issues so they aren't oozing neediness, desperation, or self-doubt is the solution to so many people's problems. Telling someone to just act confident can be a problem, because then you get into the realm of arrogance.

I get the problem that you have with it because it....But I just kind of feel like its asking a lot to expect random women on the internet to know exactly how you as an individual can achieve higher confidence and self esteem in your social life. All we are saying is what seems to work and be found appealing. Asking for a blueprint to appearing confident is kind of like asking for a blueprint to what makes happiness. It is really going to vary from person to person but there might be some general trends. Am I a guy? No. Do I know what makes guys feel self assured? I could speculate but I really don't know. Now if I knew you personally I might be able to make more precise suggestions but I don't. That being said I totally get how annoying it must be to hear the same vague concept over and over again.

Yeah, I get that it involves way more commitment that most people are willing to give in order to actually be constructive, it's probably part of the reason it's so common to just throw people the "be confident" line.

It's just I see it so often used I can't help but think that some people genuinely think that saying it is useful.

You'd be surprised how well acting confident works, though, if you know how to do it. You assume everyone can see your self doubt, but if you puff your chest out and say "hey everyone, let's go get sandwiches!" people will actually believe that you're confident, or at least feel comfortable around you because you're making bold decisions.

It's one of the easiest things to fake, actually. It's difficult, but if you act confident people will usually believe you and roll with it.

This is the important part. This is the part that's missing from people's advice when they say "act/be confident". This is the part that isn't obvious to a lot of people, which makes it really hard to see confidence as something that can be worked on.

I don't even think being confident is the issue so much as not being a miserable self-loathing sack of crap. I don't find confidence attractive so much as I find if someone presents themselves as being a worthless person no one likes, I take their word for it.

And really, if you're a miserable self-loathing sack of crap you don't need my advice, you need a therapist.

I've done that before. Keep in mind you may be hearing us at our absolute worst. This is the internet, this is anonymity.

Haven't you ever gone to an internet forum and let your absolute darkest side show? That doesn't mean that you didn't go to work the next day with a smile, laughing and joking and pretending to be happy and normal.

Also, it's subtly cruel to look down on people like that. (Classic victim blaming; oh, you're single, you must deserve it.) They're suffering from acute shame, and some commenters like to reinforce that shame by treating those guys with contempt. That's just not right. No need to make someone feel even shittier about themselves.

Yeah, I mean as long as you're giving them actual steps to take towards doing that, then it's worthwhile, but I see a lot of stuff here where people will espouse the importance of confidence but never actually outline how someone should even go about it.

Read more about current events (Reddit is a good place) for things to contribute to topics that come up

Read more books so you can talk about those when they come up

Find an interesting hobby that you enjoy, preferably one that might intrigue others, and spend a lot of time on it.

Find a humor style you like, preferably one with sarcastic undertones and watch comedians perform that type of humor, including their timing and such and try to learn from that.

Take what you learned about humor, and try to make people laugh (but don't be too much of a dick about it) to slowly build general confidence (laughing at your jokes or quips builds social confidence)

Once you can maintain a sarcastic sort of back and forth with people, do the same on women you might not find super attractive, and occasionally be a bit flirty with it (but not too much unless you're interested in them). This will build slowly relationship social confidence

Once you've been able to master this sort of relationship social confidence, try to introduce it into situations with girls you're more attracted to. Keep them laughing, if it's not their type of humor, or if they don't play off the playful flirting, move on to another person.

If you get positive feedback from the woman you're attracted to, and she now knows you're a fun guy, use the current events and book background i suggested earlier to keep the conversation going, you can always bring up whatever hobby it is you like to do and if it's intriguing enough it can open up other conversation lines, all the while still occasionally interjecting a bit of flirty sarcasm into the conversation.

One or two successful interactions like this, and you will realize you have actually accomplished becoming more confident!

Fake it till you make it. It truely worked for me, it's advice my brother gave me. Nobody wants to spend time with someone who is always down on themselves so don't be (in front of new people). I know there's studies that show faking a smile actually makes you happier, I wonder if the same is true for feigned confidence.

thank you so much; i started thinking i was the only one that noticed this.

I think better advice is to go out and be yourself, and do what makes you happy in front of other people. It's very hard to not be confident when you're doing your favorite dance, or playing your favorite sport.

Then when you're done and you still have the adrenaline in your system, go start a small conversation with someone, and you won't have all those nervous jitters.

Whenever someone gives the advice of "be more confident" they might as well be saying "stop being the person that you are and start being someone who is more appealing". It's the worst advice because you're telling people to create a false persona they think people might like, but anyone guy/girl you meet acting that way is going to be someone you can never be yourself around.

I actually don't really have a problem with the fact that it's telling people that they need to make changes to how they are socially. I think it's naive to think that everyone will have success in dating just the way they are.

My issue is more to do with the fact that no one ever actually tells them how.

I know exactly what you mean. I'm always at a loss when listening to my brother vent. We're both quiet. Not shy per say, we just can't ramble on and small talk seems so superficial. I learned to fake it, he didn't and is having quite a hard time now that he's getting to that point he wants to settle down. I just don't know what to tell him when he asks me. I can't say, "Just fake it" he doesn't know how!!! I feel for him so much because he's a great guy, he just can't talk.

I understand, this is why I do not look at confidence as being something, but rather the lack of it. Confidence is merely a lack of anxiety. To act confident is to act like what you are doing is, "no big deal."

It follows the "Fake it till you make it" idea and the speaker uses anecdotes and scientific studies to back her claim. Apparently body language can have effects on behavior/attitude just like behavior/attitude has an effect on body language. Things like smiling and big wide open body language can promote the production of testosterone in the body and reduce the amount of cortisol which is linked to stress. It's an interesting watch when you get the time.

"Be confident" is a much less helpful piece of advice than "stand in the Wonder Woman pose for a few minutes before interacting socially", which is the advice I remember from that video. Again it's about breaking down a big goal into steps rather than just restating the goal.

This is true to some degree, however there is something to be said for the "fake it till you make it" approach. For instance, when people adopt more confident nonverbal communication such as eye-contact, good posture, and voice-tone, studies have shown that these things actually raise the level of confidence of the person rather than just making them appear that way. By the way, this works for women as well, and I have come to belive that confidence is just as important for them in the dating world as it is for men.

I'm not saying that being confident is not something people should be aiming for.

What I'm saying is that telling someone they need to be confident, without giving them examples of steps they can take to do so, is useless.

Being confident is an outcome, not an action.

If you're telling someone to fake it, and then outlining shit like eye-contact, tone & posture, then that's far more helpful than just saying "Be confident" and expecting they should be able to go out and do this magically.

It actually makes me uncomfortable to think people take real stock in it. I saw some post asking how important dating rules about what date to have sex on and stuff are. I can't believe people have been convinced that any of these rules mean anything.

A lot of women still seem to think that playing hard to get and not initiating things with men is the way to go.

Don't make them do all of the work. If you like a guy, tell him. If you want to talk to a guy, talk to him. Don't sit around and wait for him to come to you and then get pissed off when he doesn't pick up on your ~subtle hints~

I think there is a balance there - I've had a lot of guys tell me that they lose interest if there isn't at least some chasing involved, but if you're outright acting like you aren't interested then there's nothing for them to go off of.

I have so many girl friends at parties who will leave feeling like total shit because this one guy they have a crush on didn't talk to them all night and I try to be sensitive but they didn't even approach the guy once! I mean sure in a perfect world your eyes would meet from across the room and he'd come over and chat you up but that shit doesn't always happen, especially at drunk college parties. If I see a guy I think is attractive or seems cool I will strike up a conversation with him, it's not that big of a deal and worse case scenario I have a 5 minute conversation with someone that I didn't feel like continuing, or I find out they're dating someone and stop the flirtations and go into "being friendly" mode instead to continue the pleasant conversation. I think a lot of girls need to realize you can make an effort with guys beyond looking super cute and it will rarely be a negative turnout.

I think the reverse advice has become much more common, "If you don't put out on the third date, you won't get a fourth date!" There is a whole askmen question about this right now from a girl who wants to wait to have sex until they're exclusive.

I think women see this advice as, "put out on the third date, or he will stop dating you because, fuckit, amirite?" IMO, that's not where the advice is coming from.

Men's egos are fragile, but we aren't allowed to ask whether or not a women is into the budding relationship, because then we aren't confident. Sex is a pretty unmistakeable signal that a girl is at least into you enough to have sex with you. If a girl is going on date after date, and doesn't replace sex with some sort of very unmistakeable signal that she's totally into it, then why is it surprising guys stop calling?

Think about it from his point of view. He's taken you out on three dates, conversation seems good, but he gets shut down every night when it comes time for the "coffee" or "nightcap" or
"etchings" or whatever. At this point he's starting to wonder if he's just making good friends with a really flirty girl, or if he's being used for dinners, or if she's just too nice to "dump" him, and is waiting for him to lose interest (which totally happens).

Also, there are major consequences for continuing to call someone who's not into you. The label "creeper" is thrown around really casually. A single call from a guy after a girl's decided she isn't into it seems to be the threshold for some girls. Being labeled a "creeper" (which really just means "desperate") is devastating to a guy's reputation within a social circle. On the other hand, stopping calling the girl is either slightly negative, neutral, or possibly slightly positive. Given those conditions, you can see why giving up a potential relationship is an acceptable risk rather than being a "stalker" of a girl who's sending mixed signals.

That's why I'm of the opinion that if either party is going to wander too far outside "standard dating practice" (whatever the hell that means), there needs to be a conversation. If that's too "serious" that early in the relationship, fine, but don't be surprised when you are misinterpreted, and outcomes aren't what you'd prefer.

TL;DR: if you don't want to have sex, but you are into dating and want it to continue, you need to talk about it, or otherwise telegraph the fact that you are into the relationship

No sexual contact is different than no sex. If someone is giving you a serious goodnight kiss, that's a pretty clear signal you're not just friends.

I agree with you 100%. Not that they'd think they were just friends, but some men might over-analyze why heaving petting on the doorstep didn't lead to an invitation inside though.

I don't think this is true at all. I would think a girl was strange if she called a guy a creep for making two calls to set up a second date.

This is a situation by situation thing. In your example, yes, that girl would probably be thought strange by most, but do you disagree that it's not all that hard for a man to be mislabeled as a creeper? "Creeper" for guys is "crazy" for girls, and I think a lot of girls here could probably relate to the fact that these terms are used too loosely.

I'm not really looking to defend the rationality of men's dating anxieties here. I was trying to provide some insight. If you feel my experience is somehow atypical, feel free to disregard my post.

Sex is a pretty unmistakeable signal that a girl is at least into you enough to have sex with you.

At least for me, sex isn't something I hand out just to show someone I'm interested in them. Sex is kind of a big deal for me, so I like to hang on to that for a while, until I'm sure about someone, or until we're exclusive.

However, I like to be honest and open with the other person. I don't want it to be some grand mystery for the guy, or make him feel like I won't bang him until he guesses the password to my chastity belt. I'll tell him that I really like him, that I would be interested in becoming exclusive with him in the future, and that I like not rushing into sex too quickly.

Guy here - I think this date counting business in insane. Whatever happened to, "When we're both feeling comfortable with each other and mutually turned on and decide to take it all the way"? Could happen immediately (my wife practically assaulted me on our first date) or might not happen for weeks. It's time when it feels right.

I [would like to] think most adults work that way, but when you're specifically asked by an insecure poster how long you usually wait, you can forcibly come up with what your "usual" date # is and rationalize why it's so high or low, even if you don't actually use it as a metric in your relationships.

Actually, I'm pretty sure advice subs are fairly rampant with post-hoc rationalizations where people do things without thinking, get a positive result, and then invent the logical thought process that they'd like to think lead to that outcome.

I tend to notice the opposite advice more because it personally offends me haha (confirmation bias). Either way, giving either forms of advice is counter productive. It's better to say "Do what makes you feel the most comfortable."

I don't know that its confirmation bias, I think reddit has a certain culture and another group may have a different culture.

I don't think sex on the first date effects your odds at a relationship but if you'd be massively upset if you had sex with someone and never heard from them again, you're probably better off waiting until a relationship is established for your own mental health.

Confirmation bias means that the things you see that fit with your perception of how things should be stick, while those that run counter to your pre-conceived notions are dismissed, even if the counter points are more prevalent.

Example: Joey hates cyclists in the city and thinks they are all law-breaking, havoc-wreaking maniacs. When he encounters a cyclist obeying the law, he practically ignores them because there's nothing notable or dismisses them as an anomaly. Joey sees 15-20 of these polite cyclists per day. Joey also sees 1 maniac cyclist per day and upon encountering him always things "see?! They're crazy!" Because his total emotional reaction to the 1 bad cyclist is higher than his total combined reactions to the 15-20 others, he feels that cyclist, as a whole, are maniacs.

A friend of mine (wife's masseusse) was on her third date with some dude from Match.com when the guy said, "what do you mean no sex, this is the third date!" Said more nasty shit, grabbed his coat, and left. Luckily her next Match.com date ended up being her husband. Ironically he said on their first date (after Olive Garden - lol) "What will it take to have sex with you". She was about to throw him out but it was the way he said it that convinced her not to. Boy he gets shit at dinner parties when she tells this story.

I also see women tell other women this. "Oh no honey, you're perfect the way you are! You just need to find someone who loves you for who you are!"

Now, in an emotionally vulnerable moment, yeah, reassure the poor girl. But then later, when she's feeling better, maybe she should consider dressing in a way that's more flattering, or figuring out how to wear makeup, or redo her hair, etc. Maybe someone can help her figure out how to flirt. None of those things require sacrificing this all-important "who you are."

This got me thinking what advice do women give that isn't so great. The one I can think of is "He'll totally call!" (or commit or propose). I think sometimes women encourage each other to keep hope alive when maybe it is time to move on.

A lot of advice from women to other women is not supposed to be good advice. That is, the goal isn't to solve your friends problem or figure out The Solution. But rather, it's to give comfort and support. This means sometimes, keeping your mouth shut and being supportive of her choices even when you think they are dumb.

The positive side of this habit is that you can go to your friends for emotional support without having them try to change you or fix your problem. The negative side is sometimes it leads down a path of lots and lots of dishonesty.

I tend to say the hard things to my friends, and it's actually hurt several friendships. One of my friends is really upset that I don't condone her long-term relationship with a boyfriend who won't propose. I'm sure she wishes I'd just do the girl thing and say that he'll come around in time. Instead, I tell her she needs to know when enough is enough and be ready to leave if it comes to that.

When one of my friends starts telling me about her problems, the first thing I ask is, "Do you want advice or support?" At least that way my friends get what they need, and I don't have to do all of the guesswork.

Yea I also always try to be honest rather than give them false hope. And I appreciate when my friends return the favor. I had recent guy issues and two of my friends straight up said "he hasn't contacted you and it's safe to assume he's still dating that girl, I'm not about to tell you he probably is still interested in you cause he clearly isn't" which of course made me burst into tears but once the initial emotions settled I felt much more grounded and aware of the situation and have dealt with it much faster and efficiently than I think I would have if they had been stroking my ego and trying to keep me hopeful.

I love my friends who can actually be honest with me. I think it's a true sign of friendship. But many of my female friends have made it clear that the truth is off limits. Sounds like your friend is a real winner. I wish more people accepted that the truth might hurt, but ultimately, it's more supportive to be told the truth.

A lot of my friends that are women give awful advice about how I look or how each other look when it comes to clothes, makeup, and the like. They're all afraid to hurt each others feelings or mine so they just reassure people instead of telling them straight up it looks bad.

Ugh, it is SO FRUSTRATING when I know a person who could look so much better with a shift in clothing/hair/makeup, but I also know that their self-esteem is so low about it that I can't bring anything up without absolutely crushing them.

Sometimes I manage a "Oh, but you have such a tiny waist, you should highlight that more!" or whatever, but even that can be fraught with some people.

Oh yea, I have a friend who has big boobs but wears the cheapest, shittiest bras and so her boobs look really saggy all the time, I even had a couple guy friends comment on it (not in a negative way more in a "I have no idea how these things work, is there a reason her boobs look different than everyone else's?" kinda way) and I try to suggest we go bra shopping together or "have you been fitted lately, I think I might need to get refitted" and she just is oblivious but she's very sensitive so if I straight up say her boobs look terrible in the bras she wears she will not take it well.

I mean, yes, but you still can decide to "go after" someone. You can still crush on them, and go flirt with them and hope you do a good enough job that they'll want you in return. The metaphor makes complete sense.

I'm not the biggest fan of most generalized dating advice especially when it's mind-game-y stuff, and there's plenty of bullshit coming from both sides on that. I mean, I'll give out dating advice all day long because it's really fun, but c'mon, no one should actually be listening unless you want to date someone exactly like me (you probably don't). Or if it's advice to other women on dating men, tune me out unless you're looking for the exact kind of love life I have (you're probably not).

i think some of the worst topic for men: anything having to do with women's bodies including the ability to choose contraception and abortion.
worst topic for women: differentiating a creepy guy hitting on you vs a guy who is hitting on you where you have no attraction from him.

Men often give bad advice when someone us feeling down, I think. "Be quiet and suck it up, your life is awesome compared to some street urchin in Somalia's" doesn't really do the trick like some guys think it should.

I don't think women are good at giving dating advice to men. True, you can argue that they know women better, being one. But you could also argue that women have no experience of being a man and trying to get women to like you, whereas men may have a lifetime's experience.

I suspect that often women interpret the question "how do i get women to like me" as "if i liked a nice guy like my friend here, how would I like him to behave?" Hence they say "just be yourself," because in the situation they are imagining they are already "sold" on the guy. It's a very easy arrogance anyone can slip into: you assume that you have the ability to correctly assess someone's personality, and that you cannot be "tricked" into thinking that a douchebag is a nice guy. However, men see one guy who they don't think is much of a catch doing very well, and another who they think is great doing badly. They know that behaviour must be a factor and they try to work out what things specifically people are saying or doing that work.

Ultimately, there can be a big difference between what people say they want and how they behave in practice. I can dig up surveys that tell you most men prefer women with small breasts, or that women prefer bald men, but most of us would be sceptical of them. When you ask women for dating advice she tells you how she likes to think she would behave: when you ask a man he tells you how, in his experience, they tend to behave.

This is why I hate it when women make generalisations like "men always get it wrong" or "why do men behave like that? it's never going to work." Sure individuals may get it wrong, but to imply that we're all getting wrong is to imply that half the population is stupid. Is it not possible that, in this respect, men know you better than you know yourself? Perhaps you say "that's horrible and it will never work," because you hate what it would say about women if it did.

This is why I hate it when women make generalisations like "men always get it wrong" or "why do men behave like that? it's never going to work." Sure individuals may get it wrong, but to imply that we're all getting wrong is to imply that half the population is stupid.

One of the things that really gets me about talking with (some) other women, is a weird passive-aggressive way they sometimes try to keep each other down but disguise it as being supportive. You'll find this with women encouraging their friends to break-up or not to get into better physical shape, by telling them that others don't appreciate them enough or that they are fine the way they are.

I've definitely seen this happen. It's much more complicated than encouraging the friend to stay fat.

For an overweight person in an overweight friend group, if 1 person decides that her body needs work, it's often taken to mean that she now believes that everyone's body that looks like hers needs work. It's subconsciously seen as offensive and almost accusatory to the people who aren't signing up for a 6-month gym membership and Weight Watchers.

At the same time, it's really difficult to support someone in a journey that you too should be taking because it forces you to confront yourself and really examine why you aren't doing this thing that you supportively encourage your friend to do.

I know exactly what you're talking about. I've got some weight to lose and it feels like, with my overweight relatives that I consider friends, I'm not allowed to diet/exercise unless its a group effort. If we don't all feel like doing it, then suddenly its "love your bodies and be who you are" until we've all decided to try the healthy schtick one more time.

Actually, I usually do worse in a group because it seems like I'm the only one who actually tries while everyone else just does it because they feel bad about themselves for awhile or its now cool to diet. Or at least to say you're dieting.

For an overweight person in an overweight friend group, if 1 person decides that her body needs work, it's often taken to mean that she now believes that everyone's body that looks like hers needs work. It's subconsciously seen as offensive and almost accusatory to the people who aren't signing up for a 6-month gym membership and Weight Watchers.

This, exactly. I've lost 50 pounds in the last year, and I couldn't mention anything I was doing to 75% of the women I know because they immediately got defensive. Any time I mentioned anything (for example, apologizing for being on my phone because I was logging in meals), someone would say, "I thought about losing weight, but I just like eating too much" or "I eat and work out to be healthy, not lose weight" or "Why would you do that? You look fine just the way you are! Here, try the cake."

So annoying. Me changing something about me is not in any way a statement about someone else.

My best friend has lost 35 pounds. She looks good. However when she mentioned starting to exercise and eat better, I reminded her that she is beautiful as is- just as I always have- because she has poor self esteem and that will not go away just by losing weight. It has nothing to do with being under handed or trying to keep her back.

Not all women are like this, nor are the ones who are like this all the time. But I do think women often feel competitive and it comes out in their interactions in subtle ways. Norah Vincent wrote about this in a very compelling way, I think, in her book Self-made Man.

as a guy the be cocky and make sure they know you have other options is usually intended to work like this
1) It's a joking cocky. you are not actually cocky. a lot of girls actually love this in my experience.
2) and the let them know that you have other options is more of a "don't be clingy." it's more for the early stages of a relationship where you don't want to seem overly committed. plus it's not supposed to be something desirable to you as a female. i mean do you really want to compete against other girls for a man? basically the let them know you have other options means that you are not afraid to lose them if they don't respect you or go against your wishes

This thread about an 18 yo girl wanting to have sex with guys 20+ years older than her. Most of the answers were along the lines of "Why not have some fun?" and "You're an older guys dream." But really, that's not good advice for her. She's likely to get hurt and used. If you asked them if they'd want their 18 yo sister or daughter with a guy who's 45 they'd all say "Hell no!" and "He just wants her for sex." An 18 yo with obvious daddy issues isn't going to be able to separate sex and emotions.

Don't ever read too far into anything. If it's obvious, yeah, you should suspect something. But if it's not, just fucking ask.

Basically, I think both women and men give terrible advice when it comes to anything to do with communication. Do more of it, assume less. Talk a lot. Before you go to sleep at night, discuss anything that comes to mind.

A bunch of my gal friends tried to make me feel better about my break up by suggesting long-distance or that he'll ask me to stay with him for at least the summer. How would that help me get over him? And he's the type that just says things that are on his mind, so wouldn't he have brought this up if those were options? Girls like to be hopeful. (I know they meant well, and I totally appreciate their attempts to console me. Also, my brain knows better, it was for the best)

Oh man, this is something I actually think about a lot. Honestly, women have been giving men advice on how to be better men for the past 40 years, and it's been terrible. Women thought they wanted metro men. Effeminate men more in touch with their feelings, who acted more like women. Men listened, and that hasn't been good for men OR women...