+ Good day, loyal readers!!! Weedicle Reality Checker here. Today the University finds itself on the brink of total annihilation. Please read.

+ Last Sunday the Young Toolbag Nominating Committee selected three finalists for the Young Toolbag Pageant, an esteemed position known to most as students as “an extra line on the resume.” However, Weedicle Reality Checker can exclusively reveal now that two of the finalists selected are under investigation for being the same person!!!

Candidates “Matt Davis” and The Kid from Texas (sometimes known as “Ben Getson”) are believed to be the same individual, YTNC officials confirmed Tuesday morning.

“I first became suspicious when I saw their pictures in the Chronic,’” a member of the YTNC (who wishes to remain anonymous) explained. “Both dudes were white with brown hair and glasses. We never talked to the candidates all at once. They could have just worn different shirts to their interviews.”

Since Sunday, four other members of the YTNC have come forward attesting that “Matt Davis” and The Kid from Texas are the same person. Some committee members are still skeptical, though. As one member told RC, “When I read their majors, it suddenly became clear. ‘Biomedical engineering?’ ‘Computer science?’ I mean, those sound exactly the same to me. Then again… so does ‘Underwater Basket Weaving’ and ‘Public Policy.’ It is just too difficult to be certain.”

YTNC Chair and SGD Senator Charisma Lawson continues to maintain that the two candidates are definitely two different individuals. “I mean, one kid is involved in SGD, the other is not. It’s comparing apples to oranges. Now for the girl candidates, on the other hand… to this day I could not tell you which one we chose as a finalist. I just know it was a girl. They are all basically the same anyway, right?”

+ Thus far, there has been no word from the Allen building. This reeks of lacrosse!!!

In a move it failed to communicate to Duke Student Government, Student Organization Finance Committee delegated Duke Partnership for Service the authority to allocate funds to service organization groups. SOFC’s decision to do so, especially without first consulting DSG leaders, is a disappointing misuse of its powers.

This year SOFC has been under pressure to streamline the budgeting process and cut frivolous student spending. It’s risen to this challenge by separating event funding budgetary procedure from the annual student group budgeting process so that the committee can devote more attention to curtailing excessive or over-reported event expenditures. But the move to delegate funding authority to dPS, although driven, presumably, by the same desire for efficiency, is a breach of the trust between the student body and the student government. (more…)

Yeah, I know I don’t usually talk to you. In fact, I’ve made it a point to ignore you and pretend that I don’t know you. We used to be friends freshman year, remember? Then I joined a fraternity and, until now, I’ve been too cool to talk to you.

But, good news, friend! Today, I can finally start campaigning, so I will be acting like a decent, upstanding guy for at least two weeks. I’ll start pretending like I actually care about your silly inanities and how your spring break went. I’ll be less of a shit show this weekend and I’ll start bringing up my close connections to various University administrators into casual conversation. (more…)

In the time you took to fill out your bracket for your “future corporate whore club” pool, 12 baby seals were clubbed to death. Why were those seals clubbed to death? Because people like you are obsessing over Cinderella stories and first-round upsets and nonsense of the like.

March Madness is a time where the world excuses naive students for retreating deeper into their bubbles and neglecting the trillions of impoverished people they could be helping. For some three weeks, the madness grips even the staunchest activists and afflicts them with the desire to sit on their asses and watch televised basketball for days on end. Basketball is a game, you simpletons. And more than just a game, it’s a game controlled by corporations. (more…)

As many of you have heard, the annual “library party” died a slow, quiet and yet undignified death at the hands of Duke Partners for Serving. On behalf of DPS, I would like to apologize to the Duke community: our disorganization and incompetence have killed this new, but beloved tradition. We have a lot of excuses—our co-sponsor Lavender, for example, pulled out—but the best explanation is perhaps the simplest: we’re just not good at organizing things or getting things done or raising money or dealing with money or communicating with other people or dealing with time pressures or following through with shit. (more…)

As mentioned in a previous post, I will be running for Young Trustee. I am unveiling sections of my application to my loyal fans and readers. Below is my response to the third and fourth questions of Part I of the application. I hope all of you are enlightened by my answer.

3. Briefly describe the three most important initiatives you feel the Board of Trustees will face during your term. Given conditions of limited University resources, prioritize these projects and explain your prioritization in detail. (three pages maximum)

The Board’s foremost important initiative must be increasing literacy amongst the lemur populations at Duke Forest. It’s embarrassing that such a large research institution does nearly nothing about the devastating lack of education that pervades the Duke Forest. We need to invest resources into this project as soon as possible.

Secondly, we need to do something about orphans in Africa. Each dorm should be required do adopt one orphan. Students will be taught responsibility and orphans will be saved. We shall call this project, DukeOrphans.

Lastly, environmental concerns must be addressed in order to combat global warming. To reduce the use of electricity, we should enforce a mandatory tenting policy on all students and cut classroom time by 31 percent. Also, to prevent water shortages, we need to stop watering the grass, but also plant as many trees as possible to stop global warming.

4. What is the one issue that the Board of Trustees may not face during your term, but you feel is important to the future success of Duke University? Explain why this issue is important. (one page maximum)

In approximately 50 years, we will make contact with alien life forms. It’s important that we are prepared to handle this delicate situation when the time comes because all of humankind, including University faculty and students, may be enslaved or killed in the impending alien attack. To protect the University, we must build a large invisibility shield around the University and then harvest enough eggs and seamen to repopulate the planet.

As mentioned in a previous post, I will be running for Young Trustee. I am unveiling sections of my application to my loyal fans and readers. Below is my response to the second question of Part I of the application. I hope all of you are enlightened by my answer.

2. What personal qualities/philosophies do you possess that enhance your ability to serve as a Young Trustee? What personal qualities/philosophies do you possess that may limit your ability to serve as a Young Trustee? (two pages maximum)

My devotion to civic engagement makes me a strong candidate for Young Trustee. I am able to understand and empathize with the needs of a variety of different peoples, including young orphans, illiterate lemurs, sweatshop workers, illegal immigrants, baby kittens and any and all sick and/ or dying persons. (more…)