Breaking political/sandwich news: “First Lady Michelle Obama will announce Thursday that she has partnered with the Subway sandwich chain to develop a kid’s menu that follows federal standards for school lunches,” The Hillreports. Over the next three years, Subway (“Subway: Is the Line at Hale & Hearty Really That Long? O.K. Fine, Subway It Is”™) will spend more than $40 million to “encourage finicky young eaters to eat more food that comes out of the ground or grows on trees,” according to the Associated Press. Does a bag of chips picked up from the bottom shelf count as “coming from the ground”? And does reaching down to pick up a bag of chips qualify as “20 minutes of exercise”? If not, best of luck to the sandwich chain and the First Lady.

On the other hand: is $41 million enough to convince kids that vegetables are cool? Probably! How much would it cost to pay-off Columbia Records to allow an enormous stalk of celery with cherry tomatoes for eyes and lettuce for hair to join One Direction? What if his name were Vegistair “V.C.” Cooleats? Think about it.