Parents of children with learning disabilities have their own unique challenges. Start by accepting your children for who they are and focusing on their very real strengths.

Is your offspring's educational experience a tale of frustration, struggle and criticism? Is it a story of meetings with teachers and trips to the principal's office? Do you cringe when the phone rings, praying it's not your child's teacher? Is your son on the verge of losing his motivation? Does your daughter engage in inappropriate behaviors to attract attention?

Frequently our children are locked into an educational system designed for a particular way of thinking with a very specific structure of learning. And this may be terrific for the majority of the class. But what about the children who are floundering - daydreaming or restless, failing or acting out?
Each person has different intellectual attributes, scholastic abilities and different struggles. Perhaps your son or daughter has a different kind of mind, with skills and strengths that aren't rewarded in the traditional classroom.

Classroom learning requires sustained concentration, a sharp memory, comprehension of visual and audio stimuli, coherent expression of thoughts and ideas, problem solving, creative thinking and tremendous effort. And that's just for starters. None of these are uniformly and evenly distributed skills.

We must demonstrate our acceptance and love for our child at every available moment.

As parents, we need to begin by recognizing the prevalence of learning differences, accepting our children for who they are, focusing on their very real strengths, and understanding that it has NOTHING to do with intelligence, kindness or moral behavior.

We must demonstrate our acceptance and love for our child at every available moment. If they're struggling at school, then they're probably feeling discouraged and downhearted. They may feel inferior and worthless. Running away can sound very tempting. Home must be a place of refuge and understanding with no pressure or exhortations to change.

And we must be clear that this challenge is about our child's unique mission in the world and not us.

A friend of mine who has a severely handicapped son shared this idea with me. "What really got me past the pain", she suggested, "was to recognize that my son is not in the world to accomplish for me, or to carry out my dreams and wishes. He's just a child who deserves all the joy and happiness I can provide."

Proverbs teaches that we should "educate the child according to his ways" -- his (or her) ways -- not mine, not yours, not his friends, not their teachers. Sensitivity to individuality is the foundation of good teaching and good parenting.
Since there are so many possible types of learning issues, not all get equal attention. But all equally indicate a need.

One of the most widely recognized learning challenges is ADD, Attention Deficit Disorder. Children who are unable to sit still, very easily distracted, restless and jumpy, and have poor impulse control may have ADD. These may be the adults on every community committee making enormous contributions to society, but in a classroom that requires silence and obedience…

Try this simple assignment. The next time you are at a family celebration or function take a good look at the other people sitting at your table during the second or third speech. Most of them will be sitting with their hands folded, looking respectfully at the speaker. Several will be fidgeting slightly. One person at your table, or the table next to you, will drive you to distraction if you watch him for any extended period. He will play with the silverware, fiddle with a pen, shift around in the chair, or simply walk out of the room. That adult was his teacher's nightmare 20 or 30 years ago.

Carefully observe the entire room and chances are you'll find several people with these tendencies. These restless people are very often the ones who contribute the most to our society. He may be the president of his shul, she may be the coordinator of an important communal organization. If you did not grow up with them, you would be shocked at what poor students they were in their youth.
Of course, not all restless children have ADD. Educational testing is a crucial prerequisite. But recognizing the issue at stake and not blaming the child is the only road to progress.
Look at your High School yearbook. In all likelihood, many of those who would have been voted "least likely to succeed" are today outstanding individuals - some in the spiritual realm, some in the business world, and others in their communal activities. They are successful today, not in spite of their difficulty in school, but rather, because of it. The qualities that we cherish in adults -- creativity, boldness, imagination, and boundless energy -- make for very poor students. Although not every restless child becomes a success story, it is helpful to be aware that despite the present difficulty, your child may very well have a reservoir of talent and ability that properly channeled, will produce an outstanding adult.

Featured at Aish.com:

About the Author

Rabbi Yakov Horowitz is the founder and principal of Yeshiva Darchei Noam of Monsey, and is the founder and Program Director of Agudath Israel’s Project Y.E.S., which utilizes its hotline to assist at-risk teens and their parents with referrals, school and job placements, and a ‘big brother and sister’ teen mentoring program.
Rabbi Horowitz is the author of several best-selling parenting tape sets, “Realizing your Parenting Potential”, “Of Home and Heart”, and “What Matters Most”. To purchase his parenting tapes please go to http://www.rabbihorowitz.com/ or email him directly at yhdarchei@aol.com.

Visitor Comments: 9

(9)
Katherine Lipkin,
August 26, 2005 12:00 AM

Just what I needed

As my bright, ADHD son starts his 2nd year at Day School, I have been fearful and braced for the usual complaints from teachers and other kids. This article gives me hope and encouragement. Thank you, thank you!

(8)
Anonymous,
January 16, 2005 12:00 AM

THANKS FOR THE CHIZUK

I read this article a while back in the American Jewish Monitor, clipped it then and read it many times since. It has given me much chizuk; my child is a normal, albeit very lively, child and the article made me feel that if I could just have the strength to make it through the child/teen years, we will be"h see much nachas as our child uses her abundant energy for great things. Thank you again.

(7)
Anonymous,
January 5, 2005 12:00 AM

i have 2 special needs children out of 5 i live in montreal where services are one of the worst i'v ever seen in my life my children get no services now i am looking to move to israel just so they can get the proper treatment i hope and pray that no other mother should have to endure this kind of challanges sinse having children with special need is chalanging enough

(6)
Anonymous,
March 2, 2004 12:00 AM

Thank-you, & Help!!

Dear Rabbi,

How refreshing it was to read your article.

I've been saying the same things for the past 12 years!!!

And here I am again, in search for a school for my son.

My son has been in 5/6 schools for the past ten years.

His name is Jeremiah and he will be 17 on the 19th of Adar.

Doctor's have claimed that he is boarder-line Asperger's. He is very bright, intutive, and loves to 'tinker' with mechanical toys/objects (ie broken radios, anything with a motor!). He can sit and read for hours or tinker. He is on meds - which help him stay focused.

The reason why he's gone to so many schools is because I'm keen on him getting a Jewish education as well as a secular education. It is very hard to find a school fit for him.

He is determined to get his science highschool credits, for he hopes to go to med-school. Considering how bright he is, it is not impossible.

He does like to organize and re-organize. At times he can spend the whole morning just doing one task - to it's perfection!

Please, Rabbi if you have any ideas or need more information in order to assist me, please write back. If there is a school in Israel that may be suited for my son, all the better!!

Thank-you, and be well, Milcah

(5)
Lee,
March 1, 2004 12:00 AM

Very near and dear to my heart!

That restless dreamer, distracted, off in fantasy land, that was me, 11 years ago. How hard I struggled in school, just to get passing grades. But I'm a freelance writer and artist now, and I'm doing good. Educators and parents need to remember that imagination and distractedness aren't always signs of a bad student, they're signs of a creative individual who is trying to find ways to express themself. What a great article to share with us! I applaud you're topic, how very close to my heart!

Lee

(4)
shosh,
March 1, 2004 12:00 AM

Thanks for speaking out

I have 3 children - 2 are classified as being "special needs". There are many day schools in my city, but none can cater to their needs. What happened to "Chinuch L'Naar Al Pi Darko"? My now 19 year old daughter had to spend her last 8 years of schooling in public school. She was severely ADHD and on medication. She was ostracized by our community. She went off the derech and spent a few years in and out of group homes trying to "find herself". There seems to be an epidemic of such children who come from frum homes but are not accepted by their local day schools. They end up on drugs, on the street, and eventually, in rehab. It's a sad story that unfortunately I've seen repeated too many times to count. If our local public schools can find the money to educate our kids, why can't the Torahdik schools? B"H, our daughter is a mentsch and is living under our roof, but she is still not frum. Her younger sister is a teacher's dream - on the academic honor roll, popular, etc. Our younger son is developmentally delayed and shares his day with public school kids, and half a day in a special needs school which is housed in a day school. Still a seperate entity. Why are so many of our hard-earned dollars going to service schools in Israel, when money is greatly needed to help our kids right here?! Doesn't tzedakah begin at home? What is going to happen to the next generation if we don't open our eyes and wallets NOW?!

(3)
Miriam Loeb,
March 1, 2004 12:00 AM

Learning Differences

I have been involved in Special Education in Yeshivot for many years. It is more than just the ADHD population that have difficulty adjusting to the "system". Thank G-d I am now seeing many of my former students getting married and launching successful careers. With the proper support from the home and the school and a lot of help from Above talents of these youngsters can be maximized!

(2)
Susan,
February 29, 2004 12:00 AM

Each child in his own way...

I have two very different children. One classified as having learning differences and one who is a teacher's dream (thank G-d). They attend different schools. Each has his own path. Each Child in in own way...

We choose to help our son learn how to compensate and succeed with tools- coping,effort and assistive technology (medication was wrong for our child, we tried it). This has been very effective. Oh, and a lot of prayer. And lots of love. I figure, if we are worthy of this challenge and effort by our Creator, then we must have the ability to raise him with what he needs and deserves.

Jewish schools need to make a greater effort to include special education so that all Jewish children will be educated in the Jewish way, or we might loose very valuable, active members of the community. I pray my son will stay on the derech of Torah, but there are no guarantees... They are children for a very short period of time...

Excellent topic, and it needs some more serious consideration by Jewish Educators.

(1)
Dina,
February 29, 2004 12:00 AM

Don't Ignore Medication Option

Emuna,
It was great to see your article which focused on the positive aspects of raising kids with ADD. However, I would like to add that it cannot be simply that kids with ADD suffer as poor students for 12 or 13 years and suddenly grow up to become highly productive members of society. Most kids who have ADD are highly intelligent and therefore are likely to be the most frustrated by their inablity to focus and therefore learn and thrive in school.
Unfortunately, I have found a bias in some circles against the option of using medication in these circumstances, opting instead to "be positive" and "natural," and to "seek alternative learning situations," being loathe to "medicate" and "create zombies" in the classroom. I myself tried natural vitamin therapy, behavior therapy, etc. etc. while my son got more and more frustrated and his behavior deteriorated and he cried every day after school how much he hated school. By third grade we were desparate enough to try medication, and it was as if a miracle had descended on him. Not only does the proper medication in the proper dosage (for truly ADD patients) NOT create a "zombie," it allows my son's sweet, vibrant and intelligent personality to finally express itself. He is now thriving, B"H. So, just as it is important to recognize and support ALL learning styles amongst one's children, that sometimes is not enough where true ADD exists, and not medicating a child may in some cases be a great disservice, which can have negative ramifications in the form of low self-esteem and the inability to make friends, possibly lasting a lifetime, chas ve'shalom.
Kol tuv, and thanks for another thought-provoking article.

I live in rural Montana where the Cholov Yisrael milk is difficult to obtain and very expensive. So I drink regular milk. What is your view on this?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Jewish law requires that there be rabbinic supervision during the milking process to ensure that the milk comes from a kosher animal. In the United States, many people rely on the Department of Agriculture's regulations and controls as sufficiently stringent to fulfill the rabbinic requirement for supervision.

Most of the major Kashrut organizations in the United States rely on this as well. You will therefore find many kosher products in America certified with a 'D' next to the kosher symbol. Such products – unless otherwise specified on the label – are not Cholov Yisrael and are assumed kosher based on the DOA's guarantee.

There are many, however, do not rely on this, and will eat only dairy products that are designated as Cholov Yisrael (literally, "Jewish milk"). This is particularly true in large Jewish communities, where Cholov Yisrael is widely available.

Rabbi Moshe Feinstein wrote that under limited conditions, such as an institution which consumes a lot of milk and Cholov Yisrael is generally unavailable or especially expensive, American milk is acceptable, as the government supervision is adequate to prevent non-kosher ingredients from being added.

It should be added that the above only applies to milk itself, which is marketed as pure cow's milk. All other dairy products, such as cheeses and butter, may contain non-kosher ingredients and always require kosher certification. In addition, Rabbi Feinstein's ruling applies only in the United States, where government regulations are considered reliable. In other parts of the world, including Europe, Cholov Yisrael is a requirement.

There are additional esoteric reasons for being stringent regarding Cholov Yisrael, and because of this it is generally advisable to consume only Cholov Yisroel dairy foods.

In 1889, 800 Jews arrived in Buenos Aires, marking the birth of the modern Jewish community in Argentina. These immigrants were fleeing poverty and pogroms in Russia, and moved to Argentina because of its open door policy of immigration. By 1920, more than 150,000 Jews were living in Argentina. Juan Peron's rise to power in 1946 was an ominous sign, as he was a Nazi sympathizer with fascist leanings. Peron halted Jewish immigration to Argentina, introduced mandatory Catholic religious instruction in public schools, and allowed Argentina to become a haven for fleeing Nazis. (In 1960, Israeli agents abducted Adolf Eichmann from a Buenos Aires suburb.) Today, Argentina has the largest Jewish community in Latin America with 250,000, though terror attacks have prompted many young people to emigrate. In 1992, the Israeli Embassy in Buenos Aires was bombed, killing 32 people. In 1994, the Jewish community headquarters in Buenos Aires was bombed, killing 85 people. The perpetrators have never been apprehended.

Be aware of what situations and behaviors give you pleasure. When you feel excessively sad and cannot change your attitude, make a conscious effort to take some action that might alleviate your sadness.

If you anticipate feeling sad, prepare a list of things that might make you feel better. It could be talking to a specific enthusiastic individual, running, taking a walk in a quiet area, looking at pictures of family, listening to music, or reading inspiring words.

While our attitude is a major factor in sadness, lack of positive external situations and events play an important role in how we feel.

[If a criminal has been executed by hanging] his body may not remain suspended overnight ... because it is an insult to God (Deuteronomy 21:23).

Rashi explains that since man was created in the image of God, anything that disparages man is disparaging God as well.

Chilul Hashem, bringing disgrace to the Divine Name, is one of the greatest sins in the Torah. The opposite of chilul Hashem is kiddush Hashem, sanctifying the Divine Name. While this topic has several dimensions to it, there is a living kiddush Hashem which occurs when a Jew behaves in a manner that merits the respect and admiration of other people, who thereby respect the Torah of Israel.

What is chilul Hashem? One Talmudic author stated, "It is when I buy meat from the butcher and delay paying him" (Yoma 86a). To cause someone to say that a Torah scholar is anything less than scrupulous in meeting his obligations is to cause people to lose respect for the Torah.

Suppose someone offers us a business deal of questionable legality. Is the personal gain worth the possible dishonor that we bring not only upon ourselves, but on our nation? If our personal reputation is ours to handle in whatever way we please, shouldn't we handle the reputation of our nation and the God we represent with maximum care?

Jews have given so much, even their lives, for kiddush Hashem. Can we not forego a few dollars to avoid chilul Hashem?

Today I shall...

be scrupulous in all my transactions and relationships to avoid the possibility of bringing dishonor to my God and people.

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