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Saturday, October 17, 2015

Kanye West - the character out of the Kim Cardigan show - has already made noises about perhaps running for president in 2020. I think we're all assuming he's using the phrase "running for president" in the sense that Donald Trump uses it, as in "mugging for the cameras".

Now, a second name drawn from the "I think they used to make records, didn't they?" file has announced her intention to run. Step forward, Lindsay Lohan. No, really, step forward, I struggle to remember which one is you and which one is Hilary Duff.

Lohan is already constructing her platform:

The first thing I would like to do as president of 🇺🇸 is take care of all of the children suffering in the world.🎹💜🌎🌏👊🏻👊🏾👊🏼👊🏽🙏🏻💋🙌 #queenELIZABETH showed me how by having me in her country 🇬🇧

Just as a side note, this is the first emoji-strewn post in over a decade of No Rock and Roll Fun, and I couldn't be more proud. I'm using "proud" in the sense that Jeb Bush uses when he says positive things about Donald Trump, as in "jesus, this is still a thing?"

Anyway, leaving aside the manner of delivery, let's just examine Lohan on her policy platform. It might come as news to residents of the UK that the Queen - or hashtagLiz as she's being officially rebranded - is diligently taking care of all the suffering children.

It may also be something of a surprise to discover that hashtagLiz "had" Lindsay in the country - presumably that VIP fast lane at Heathrow immigration is more elaborately staffed than you've ever imagined as you watch people waft into it. I'm assuming the Queen sits at the desk muttering "oh, yes, Mean Girls. One thought so much of Diana when one watched that one. Do come in".

There is a possibility that we're over-thinking this - perhaps Lohan's plan is that you can stop children suffering just by having the Queen let them into the UK.

Imagine. Nigel. Farage's. Face.

And for that reason, and that reason alone, No Rock And Roll Fun is pleased to endorse Lindsay Lohan for 2020 - the first president whose entire policy is to troll UKIP from the White House. I'm already sending an email pledging to work on ads attacking Kanye West - I'm thinking mostly just rolling the "in the French restaurant/ Hurry up with my damn croissants" line over and over in every ad break from now until 2019. Eating in a French restaurant will play really badly in the midwest, and being rude to waiters will kill support pretty much everywhere else apart from Beverley Hills.