yes, i:m back. and to start things off with a flourish, I’m reprinting an interview from a japanese magazine called CHERRY TIME. not only is the interview awesome but also it shows you the future of this website — less event reports, and more translations. i:m not going to be posting every day like i was back in 2004, but hopefully the posts will be a bit deeper and more illuminating about japanese culture, now that i can actually read japanese!

ONANIE MACHINE is one of the best, or at least most naked, bands in tokyo.
I have a report of their live show here.

INOMA- (we did) 3 CDs at once; (the titles of the cds are) "little girl", "hole in the panties", and "one-sided love." We still have to mix them, but we’re basically done.

ONOCHIN – I already forgot how to play the first bunch of songs.

INOMA- Well, I forgot what I ate yesterday.

ONOCHIN – Me too.

INOMA- November, December, January.. . . just busy every day.

GANGAN- Especially January! Every day.

INOMA – Oh really? You didn’t show up most of December

GANGAN- Yup.

ONOCHIN- What?!??

ONOCHIN – I didn’t show up half the time, myself!

GANGAN- Naw, you came, I think…

ONOCHIN – yeah, but if you divide it by the amount of time we spent, it was only half.

INOMA- what does that even mean?

GANGAN- but, when it was time for the photo session, you showed up early!

CHERRYTIME- yeah! Why were you so eager to have your picture taken?

ONOCHIN – that was just a coincidence. My kids woke me up early that day, being all noisy.

INOMA- ah, your second-eldest son again?

ONOCHIN – yup. . I got ten kids at my house, but he makes the most commotion.

INOMA- I saw it on TV the other day. {the Onochin’s House Report.} it must be tough living there.

ONOCHIN – big family, big trouble!!

CHERRYTIME – um. Is it ok to tell lies like that? Can we talk about your album?

INOMA- Ok. My biggest challenge was finding a way to market and sell 3 albums at the same time. Also, being forced to record them all at once., impossibly

ONOCHIN – Yeah, it was force all right! No foreplay.

INOMA- Just directly, insertion. But then again, sometimes that’s a good thing. Girls always ask for gentle romantic sex but sometimes they abruptly demand the violence. I also heard that there is a secret wish for rape.

ONOCHIN – Whoa, whoa, whoa, I don’t think so.

INOMA- it’s been medically proven.

ONOCHIN – what? For reals?

INOMA- like for instance during a bank robbery. Female employees who are held hostage said that there was an undercurrent of sex to the whole thing.

ONOCHIN – oh, so that proves it then?

INOMA- They get all excited from the fear!

ONOCHIN – OK, so from now on we’ll do it ‘rape style.’

INOMA- so, so! Let’s usher in the ‘rape era.’ The new theme for ONANIE MACHINE.

ONOCHIN – but even so, we’ll wipe up the mess gently afterwards. We’re adults, after all.

CHERRYTIME – oooh kaaaaay. . . .Excuse me, but can we leave the cunnilingus discussion for a moment and talk about your album? Which I want to hear about?

INOMA-(completely ignoring him) Even if it’s loathesome, it’s still important to do. It’s like the "barometer of ardor," isn’t it?

ONOCHIN – Like that! Essential.

INOMA- because it’s cunnilingus!!!!

CHERRYTIME – hey! Enough already!

INOMA- (still ignoring the interviewer) but, these 3 CDs we are releasing together. . . their theme is totally cunnilingus!!

ONOCHIN – no matter the smell!

INOMA- among the youth today, the boys don’t cunni anymore.

ONOCHIN – that’s absolutely terrible, isn’t it?

INOMA- but, the cunnilingus songs on our current albums are fantastic. However, next time we’ll write some even better songs about it!

ONOCHIN – it’s not yet time to talk about the next album!

INOMA- ok, ok. Next album is not yet ‘in season.’

CHERRYTIME – but, is the theme of your 3-cd set really cunnilingus?!? People will think that you don’t do penetration anymore.

INOMA- In that case, we will leave only a faint trace (a faint whiff) of that song behind on the finished album.

CHERRYTIME – what are you talking about?!? A faint whiff of a song? Stop lying.

INOMA – it’s not a lie! Each of the 3 discs has its own smell included. White-girl smell, black-girl smell and japanese-girl smell. During playback, the pussy odors can be detected.

ONOCHIN – Sony’s new invention.

CHERRYTIME – ha ha ha.

ONOCHIN – but, no really, smell is important. One often remembers an old girlfriend’s smells.

INOMA- yeah! Like, you are walking down the street and say to yourself, "Ah! That smell! My first love!" and you turn your head and there is a old-fart grandmother standing there and you are like "what the fuck."

ONOCHIN – "old fart?" you mean, an anal odor?

INOMA- People don’t walk around the street smelling of anal sex!

ONOCHIN – but if you love someone you are going to love all their odors.

INOMA- I believe there is a phrase : "once you go black, you can’t go back." Smell is a weapon. Isn’t that why we put the strong odors into our new albums? A thick and viscous odor. But nowadays the young people are hiding their smells. It’s not good. As for Mr. Onochin, when you go to the studio. . .

ONOCHIN – . . . it’s a stench!!!

INOMA- because your whole house is reeking!

ONOCHIN – yes, yes. Because at home I’m always playing guitar, so it’s funky in there.

CHERRYTIME – um. It’s about time for the smell portion to be over, isn’t it?

INOMA- ok, ok. This album is our major label debut.

ONOCHIN – (mystified) we did what, now?

INOMA- Yes, yes. Think about it – all our previous releases have been split CDs or collaborations.

INOMA- nononono. Yesterday, we did a live show at LAMAMA, right? But the whole time the sound guy was saying, wow, I can’t belive you got good at playing bass.

ONOCHIN – uh-oh!

INOMA- yeah, I’m 37 and my bass playing is just getting good now? I’m in trouble.

ONOCHIN – you’re still a growing child.

INOMA- does that mean that my foreskin disease will finally get cured too?

ONOCHIN – (sexy mom voice) what a growing boy! Bigger and bigger!

INOMA- yup . I’ll be one of those hella gangly adolescents.

ONOCHIN – heh heh. Next year you’ll sprout.

INOMA- hells yeah. Like one of those kids that grows 10cm over summer vacation.

ONOCHIN – this time next year you’ll be 180cm.

INOMA- but, I want to be 10 cm shorter!

ONOCHIN – what?!?

INOMA- for some reason tiny is just cooler. Scurrying about. All scampering. Go ahead and laugh.

CHERRYTIME _ going to be a dwarf, then?

ONOCHIN – inoma, how tall are you now?

INOMA- 154cm.

ONOCHIN – um . . . I don’t want you to shrink.

INOMA- it’ll be cool though. But if one gets too small, there are a lot of logistical problems and discrimination to overcome. I’d settle for looking like (comedy team) 99’s Okamura, he’s an ideal little shrimp. Hell yeah. I’d be so fucking maneuverable.

ONOCHIN – !!!

INOMA- it’s all about body remodeling! Our band’s theme for this year.

ONOCHIN – actually recording hella albums at once is becoming a habit with us. I wanna do it again. 7 CDs at once.

INOMA- specifically 7? You have been thinking about this, haven’t you?

ONOCHIN – let’s get on with it!!

CHERRYTIME – you’re really full of ambition there.

ONOCHIN – it’s terrifying how accustomed I’ve become to recording many cds at once.

CHERRYTIME – it’s a crisis. . . You should start right away or you’ll be late!

ONOCHIN – that’s right! Maybe we can’t. .. .

INOMA- but it’s important to have that drive, that ambition.

CHERRYTIME – especially at a time like this.

INOMA- my thinking has changed. . . I could never go back to doing just one at a time. every wack band is putting out one album a year. It is immensely impossible for us to go out like that!

ONOCHIN – If we try, we can do it!

CHERRYTIME – gangan, how about you?

GANGAN- it was a good experience for me.

INOMA- for real, a good experience.

GANGAN- we’ve already taken steps towards the next album.

INOMA- maybe a normal person thinks that 3 at a time is impossible. But if you think something’s impossible then it becomes impossible because you gave up. It’s a self-fullfilling phrophecy; closing yourself off like that.

ONOCHIN – aah. Yes.

INOMA- so,in particular, it is not impossible to excavate the anal of a black person. Nor is it impossible to fuck a homeless old lady. Anything is possible!

ONOCHIN – yes, anything! You are amazing!

INOMA- yes! I kind of showed my true colors there for a moment.

CHERRYTIME- yeah, you were almost sincere for a second.

INOMA- hey, I think gangan said it best when he said, "I just did Number Two, so it’s time to go." (literal translation is like, "an NG slipped out". Japanese use NG (no good) as the opposite equivalent of OK. Like, "is it OK or NG?" but in this case he’s talking like a little kid using a euphemism for poopy.)

ONOCHIN – that was ALSO a good experience for me.

CHERRYTIME- yeah, how was it the first time you used an adult diaper?

GANGAN – I got so exhausted.

CHERRYTIME- aah!! What did you say??? It’s exhausting to wear a diaper?!?

GANGAN – yeah, exactly, but. We did 3 cds at once this time, so now people are going to expect us to do 4 next time. They’ll be so jaded.

INOMA- fuck ’em. We’ll do 5!!!

CHERRYTIME- what kind of contest is this? A making-a-lot-of-cds-at-once-competition?