I heard the news and can imagine that you might think things are pretty hopeless right about now. Before start getting upset, I'd like for you to meet a friend of mine. His name is Roman Polanski.

If you don't know the Roman Polanski story, you don't know the tolerance the public is capable of having for child molesters.

Unlike in your case, there isn't a doubt what Roman has done. He drugged a thirteen year old girl who he was having a photo shoot with, and slept with her against her will. Before the police were able to send this asshole to jail for life, he fled to France where he enjoys his freedom.

Michael, I urge you to take notes. As I said before, Roman can scream from the Eifel Tower that he raped a thirteen year old girl and he'll remain a free man.

But it doesn't end with the freedom, cheese, and wine. Mr Polanski has also sucessfully turned himself into a victim! That's right, the outcries of the celebrity elite when poor Roman wasn't able to pick up his Oscar was deafening.

"I think art and personal stuff should be seperate." - Adrien Brody giving his opinion on whether Roman should of been allowed to get his Oscar in person.

They even sent Harrison Ford, the man that presented the award for best director, over to France to formally present the award.

*Just a reminder. He couldn't have gone himself because he would have been arrested for raping a 13 year old girl. People keep forgetting that when they're talking about what a great person he is.

Are you getting the picture yet, Michael? Your crimes are only as bad as your art. And quite frankly, your records have been sucking lately. If you think these charges would have come up during the time you made Thriller, you're crazy. The video to Billy Jean could of been you having an orgy with a second grade class and the president himself would have pardoned you.

And for the love of fuck, get on a plane and go to France! You'll LOVE it there, the people are just like you!

I was born there, and from what I remember it was like Planet Jacko. What's more, the French government will never turn you over no matter what you did. They hate America and will keep you just to screw with us.

Oh, and Michael? French boys, in a word....magnifique!

Right now you may think all this sounds too good to be true. I might have thought so too. But then I wrote an entry on what a scumbag Polanski is, and people came out of the woodwork to defend him. I actually got into arguments with girls on how wrong rape is. The man has gotten the world to portray him as such a victim that there was no talking to those that have been convinced otherwise. And the same can happen to you if you know how to play ball, and from what I can tell, playing with balls is your specialty.

To recap, here's what you need to do to save you from going to jail and (ironically) having your ass done to what you've been doing to small boys.

1) Go to France. Roman's saving a room for you at Le Hotel Réfugié.

2) Make better art. Rape, shmape. Put out a record that rocks and we'll call it even.

3) You know it wouldn't hurt to slip these kids a ruffie, maybe some wine? I know you forget these little things during the heat of passion, but I don't want any excuses. If you're gonna' have sex with a small boy you ALWAYS drug them first. Make it a rule of thumb.

I hope that by showing you Polanski's Guide to Getting Out of Child Sex Crimes you'll feel more at ease about your impending case, and a more intellegent child abuser.