The 7 People You See On Public Transportation

Oh man, check it out. You totally know that guy over there. Jerry, is it? Glen? Is that Glen? He’s wearing glasses, does Glen wear glasses? OK, so you may not actually know the guy but he looks SO SIMILAR to Glen. You should go over there and tell him just how much he looks like some guy you know called Glen. It could still actually be Glen, though, in which case you’ll have to ride another six stops with a guy you know but mistook for a complete stranger. Either way, better stop staring, you’re starting to freak him out.

That Guy You May or May Not Know

Oh man, check it out. You totally know that guy over there. Jerry, is it? Glen? Is that Glen? He’s wearing glasses, does Glen wear glasses? OK, so you may not actually know the guy but he looks SO SIMILAR to Glen. You should go over there and tell him just how much he looks like some guy you know called Glen. It could still actually be Glen, though, in which case you’ll have to ride another six stops with a guy you know but mistook for a complete stranger. Either way, better stop staring, you’re starting to freak him out.

That Guy Who Just Got On But Immediately Hates You

Woah! What’s the deal? You were just sitting there! Why is that dude over there looking at you like he wants to kill you? He’s wearing a T-shirt with a swear word on it, so you know he means business. Quit looking over! He’s getting very aware that you keep checking to see if he’s approaching you with a blade. OH MY GOD HE’S STANDING UP. Oh my god oh my god oh my god why didn’t you learn to drive? Oh, this is just his stop. He was probably just trying to avoid the weirdo who suddenly started shaking and crying.

Foreign Schoolchildren

Great. Nothing to remind you that you’re dead inside like happy children on vacation. What the hell are they smiling for? It’s crowded, hot and there’s no natural light. You really wish they’d save their jubilation for whatever overpriced tourist destination them and their 93 identical backpacks are on their way to visit. Sit down and be miserable like the rest of us, kids.

The Crying Girl

Swoon! Check out the beautiful, devastated young woman two seats down. She’s not only wrapped in mystery but lonely and vulnerable. This is the stuff of indie romcoms, get over there, you hero Actually, maybe don’t. She’s probably crying over some ripped, jealous ex. How long has it been since you were last in a fight? You can’t afford to get beat up, it’s Mikey’s Call Of Duty party next week. True love will have to wait.

The People In The Corner Almost Definitely Having Sex

Geez, guys, get a room. Oh, a warm, enclosed public area? Guess that’s cool too. You have to get a good look sooner or later to make sure they’re really doing what you think they’re doing. You’re aware of the risks, though. The only thing more disgusting than the two people hooking up on the train is the guy checking them out.

The Entertainer

More commonly seen on the trains than anywhere else. You dread climbing on at the beginning of your journey for fear your transport will, without warning, become a tiny metal theatre that, unless you want to look like a heartless dick, will cost you money. You’re a nice guy, though, so you’ll just avoid eye contact for as long as humanly possible until they’re right in front of you, then give a half smile and shake your head apologetically. Sorry, person with real talent, but this guy here wants a banana muffin before he starts work.

The Sleeper

It’s hard to gauge the sleeper. So vulnerable in the activity they have decided to engage in, so assured in their decision to engage in it. Where are they going? Do they have a plan? Did they miss their stop 20 minutes ago? You’ll only be sure once they arise from their guerilla slumber. Something no-one has ever, ever witnessed. You start to wonder whether or not the transport authority has commissioned these sleepers to prove how comfy and ketchup-free the seats are now. Only the sleeper knows for sure. They’d be able to tell you too, if they didn’t sleep so damn much.