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Feeling Helpless - What can you do?

Backstory - I have DS (4) and DD (8 months). SS's are 9 and 11. BM has 3 sk's, oldest is 12 and lives with her own mom, the youngest are 6 year old boy/girl twins and are CO'ed to live with her due to extinuating circumstances with their own mother; sexual abuse according to BM.

BM has sent YSS to live with DH and I a few times because he was being "bad," now we have learned that she has sent her 6 year old SD away, to her own BM's house, to live because she is "bad."

I feel like this sends a horrible message to the children, that they are disposable. I am helpless here, I don't know what to do. All I can think is, "No wonder the kids don't behave, I wouldn't either if I thought I could be thrown away!"

DH said, "Be prepared for SS to come live with us, she might decide to throw the "bad" ones away again."

Wait, I’m confused. – BM is sending her stepkids (not her, or your husband’s, biological kids) to live with you? If they’ve been CO’d to live with her, can she do that? Where is her husband (her step kid’s father)?

edit – gosh, I feel silly.

She’s sending her kids (your stepkids) to live with you, but she’s also sent her stepkids away to live with her mom. Am I right this time?

Are you okay with SS living with you? How do the kids feel about this? I do agree that she can’t jerk the kids around and banish them to the other home whenever they're being 'bad'. Your DH should ask her to sign a modification to the CO, stating that they’re going to live with him. At the very least, document that BM sent them to live with you.

Yep she has shown that her kids are disposable and that she can't handle them. I would talk to DH and maybe get custody of his kids. If he doesn't want to do that then document everytime BM sends them to you and DH because she can't handle them.

Unfortunately a lot of parents do this and it breaks my heart. When my SD was 7 she went through a really naught spell where she was really hateful to everyone, including her younger sisters who were really small (about 18 months and 6 months old). I started getting nervous about whether my two little ones were in danger. Well, one day SD came to me after school and asked if we were going to send her away because she was bad. I was stunned. I would NEVER do that. We sat down with DH and explained that we loved her and always would love her and that her home is with us. I did ask her if she'd been misbehaving because she wanted to go live with her mom and she burst into tears and said no, she was afraid to live with her mom.

It turns out one of her friends at school had been sent to live with his grandmother because he was being "bad." I hate that some parents can so easily toss their kids aside.

She sent one of her SK's to go live with that SK's BM. She has, in the past, sent one of my SK's (her BK's) to live here.

Quoting progressandjoy:

Wait, I’m confused. – BM is sending her stepkids (not her, or your husband’s, biological kids) to live with you? If they’ve been CO’d to live with her, can she do that? Where is her husband (her step kid’s father)?

edit – gosh, I feel silly.

She’s sending her kids (your stepkids) to live with you, but she’s also sent her stepkids away to live with her mom. Am I right this time?

Are you okay with SS living with you? How do the kids feel about this? I do agree that she can’t jerk the kids around and banish them to the other home whenever they're being 'bad'. Your DH should ask her to sign a modification to the CO, stating that they’re going to live with him. At the very least, document that BM sent them to live with you.

This situation breaks my heart because it's sending a couple of bad messages to the kids. Talk to DH and see if he wants to amend the CO, or go for full custody of HIS children. I pray he does because this banishing trick is emotionally damaging, for everyone. It's a control issue and quite frankly, your SK's will end up paying the price. Good luck with DH, I hope he makes the right decision for the kids.

What's really scary to me is that she and her DH have custody of the skids and they were abused by their BM then she doesn't care about them. They would be better off in foster care then with a woman who knows they were being abused and took them in but if they are "bad" then it's ok for them to be abused. You should be in court immediately and call child protective services for those other children. No amount of "bad" makes it ok to be abused. We treat murders better than that.

nothing you can really do. one time BM called SO to "come get his disrespectful kid" because he did not want to go to bed int eh middle of summer at 7 pm (he was 11) so he told her "im not going to bed so you can take off w your boyfriends" (which was exactly what she wanted to do) SO and i told him he was not to speak to his mother that way. but if she is acting in an unrespectable manner, what can you do to make the kid respect her othe than tell him not to act that way?

Same thing over here, its not that their throwing them away for being bad, its that everyone needs to follow rules of the home. Maybe its better to live with the other parent, it becomes a choice for the child. they must adapt and not cause drama, maybe its not good for her to live there.

at a certain age kids must behave and have consquences. Sometimes the child choose not to follow boundaries and guidance and become non-compliant you cant just send them to their room everyday. Maybe they need to live with you. Our daughter doesnt want to live with us bcuz we have too much structure. Her mom is permissive, HENCE THE WORD WANT. She decided to go live with mom since she is 11 she can decide. Now she is missing us and craves the structure she is motivated to follow the rules and WANTS to live with us. Kids of broken families are not typical u can not just say u are throwing them away bcuz they go live with THEIR other parent. The kid should live where its best for them, they didnt want their parents to break up. Yep they need sometimes to live with just one or the other bcuz of the environment. They are being bad bcuz they dont like the environment. Many times they dont like their mother or father or the new step parents. They should live where its best for them. My step daughter told my husband she wasnt going to live with us until he kicked me out then she would come home. Honest I am great to her, super duper nice and created a great home. But she wants either him alone or back with her mother. Neither is going to happen. Its blantantly breaks my heart that she would say this about me I have done everything to treat her as my own. Its not me, its here. She just needs to mama. Funny thing is she is super loving to me and mean to her dad. She wants him alone, to be the only female in his life. I am the one who took daddy away. How do you deal with that. pretty sad. She is disrespectful to him bcuz she is pissed her parents are not together. Sad. Mom should of thought before she had an affair and broke her family. Now its affecting more people. Now she wants to be bad so she can live with mom. bad/. ITS NOT ABOUT BEING BAD DONT YOU SEE ITS ABOUT THE CHILDREN BEING HAPPPY

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