My Marvel/Vin Diesel nightmare

I cannot stand Vin Diesel. CANNOT. STAND. I don’t have a good reason for it. (Lainey: I have several.) It’s just an irrational hatred that sprang from sitting through one too many of his terrible movies. I love bad action movies, and have an unusually high tolerance for the special brand of sh*tty actor that often stars in them, but Diesel is a charisma black hole that destroys everything around him, including my will to live when I’m watching one of his movies. So you’ll understand that my reaction to the news that he’s having meetings at Marvel that could be for The Avengers 2 was basically this.

Here’s the deal. A couple weeks ago in late June, Diesel posted on his Facebook that he’d had a meeting at Marvel. That post has since been removed. Then, last night, he posted about having another meeting at Marvel, and this time included a photo of him posing next to an old Avengers comic, which happens to display the number 2 in the date. So of course, everyone is thinking this is a message and he’s in talks for a role in Avengers 2.

Please. No.

On the one hand, Marvel has taken some significant risks, all of which have paid off, and they’ve been pretty spot-on with casting thus far. So I want to trust them. They’ve earned a little faith. But all that faith is tied up in believing that Guardians of the Galaxy, as batsh*t insane as the concept is, will be the grand comedic adventure they’re billing it as (the script is promising). So I don’t have any room left over to make myself okay with Vin Diesel’s potential involvement with Marvel.

Speaking of Guardians...

If he has to be part of the Marvel universe, if I must tolerate the presence of Vin Diesel, even if only in theory (not kidding—my eye is twitching right now), please let him be playing Groot. There aren’t too many roles left in Phase 2, but Guardians has yet to announce who will be voicing/mo-capping for Rocket Raccoon (total wish list dream: Liam Neeson), Groot and the big bad, Thanos. Benecio del Toro already has an unnamed part, which I’d wager is either Rocket or Thanos, as they’re the biggest of the remaining roles. I cannot see Diesel as Thanos at all—he doesn’t have the dramatic presence to make me believe he’s capable of not only destroying worlds but getting the better of Loki—so that leaves Rocket or Groot.

Please let him be Groot. Please let him be the talking space tree that just stumbles around, uttering “Groot” (Lainey: like Grawp?) The part is actually pretty funny, with random interjections of “Groot!” providing comedic relief, so it’s not a bad gig, on the whole. And playing a tree with one line is about Vin Diesel’s level as an actor, so. Please let this be the extent of the damage.