Essays on Life, Liberty and the Art of Depression

The Cleaning Lady: Part I- My Household Has Fallen Apart

I fired the cleaning lady. Or rather, she fired me. After 10 years. TEN YEARS! Why? Because she thought I should pay her more than $20/hour and she was thinking that I owed her that. That’s cash. That’s how much I earn. Almost. But she also started acting angry by shrinking all our clothes, breaking things, and leaving dirty wee — wee pads in Chloe’s room. So we decided to part ways.

I didn’t grow up with a cleaning lady. My mother, taught me to clean, every other weekend, my room, the bathroom, the laundry, etc. Aside from typing class, learning to clean properly was my most valuable life lesson (right after learning French kissing). So I figured I could handle a tiny two bedroom apartment.

But after 6 months, the dust bunny fields were so high a small child could get lost in them. See imagery here. This is NOT re-enacted. This is actual footage. Do not try this at home.

And Bella’s room? A minefield to Chloe, the Toy Poodle ® Vacuum Cleaner for whom we had to call poison control after she ate THREE of those little preservative bags that get wrapped in leather goods after finding them on Bella’s floor: (apparently, 3 are ok, 6 are poisonous, but later in life can cause cancer, so I need to wait on that one—well you try getting your 14 year old to vacuum– it’s like pulling wax ear from a poodle—I know that you’re thinking to just bribe her. Tried that one…once. Too expensive.)

Oh, I tried.. But after my 12 hour work days, couch potato was more like it.

Oh, don’t be so self-righteous. You can’t tell me your house NEVER looks like this. There ARE Two safe zones: THE BED: Inspired by the Dali Lama- “Coming home to a clean house is like a kiss on the cheek”—well not exactly a clean house (but not really the Dali Lama—some old lady in the airport who looked like him). THE COUCH: because Chloe insisted.

I thought of submitting my home to CLEAN HOUSE. But I can’t stand that annoying blond who holds the yard sales. I’m am broken woman. I put an ad in the Polish Daily News for woman who spoke excellent English. After getting a few responses that I couldn’t understand, I found someone who was willing to come in with the shovel and clean. I think. Now if Chloe approves, we’re set.