Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Hot Tub Lizzy-Plaid We Can Believe In!

Americans will go to the polls exactly 6 Weeks from Today to elected the 44th Prez. Will it be Johnny Mac, He Who Speaks of Straight Talk, or will it be The Man They Call BO, He of Change We Can Believe In?

Many of you didn't know--until today, right this very second!--that there's a 3rd Choice; a Female Choice, and she's notSarah Barracuda. She's at once Down Home, Urbane, Regular Folks, and Uptown, All. At. The. Same. Time! But she is Neither Repub nor Dem, Left nor Right. She Shoots from the Hipster. And she carries the Banner of The Plaid Party.

Her name is Lizzy. She holds forth regularly from her Hot Tub, and she's Running for President. The Scholastic Scribe, Intrepid Journalista that we all know she is, has snagged the first--and as far as we know--the only interview with Hot Tub Lizzy, the Candidate. And we will be bringing you regular updates from the Lizzy, the Hot Tub, & the Campaign Trail, as this Bold Blogger criss-crosses Cyberspace, bringing you Hope, Straight Talk, & All. That. Jazz.

Sit back, relax, and grab a refreshment. Take a look at the campaign buttons & yard signs in the sidebar. And read what Real Change Might Mean for America:

Why did you launch this historic-and, if I may be so bold, hysterical-campaign? I've ALWAYS been a politics junkie. The process, the drama, the passion. My mom wouldn't let me watch Dallas, so politics was the next best thing. I've always wanted to run, and now I'm finally old enough!!! Seriously-it's the last big hold out...you know-driving, drinking, car rental and...president!! And really, I've been in this "I'm not wild about either" place for so long, and felt like every one else I talked to was in the same place... so... I decided that if no one was gonna represent me, I would represent me.

In your "Home Blog," you refer to yourself as "Hot Tub Lizzy." If you prevail November 4th, what Official Moniker will you adopt? Hmmm... Hot Tub Head Honcho? Hot Tub Prezzy? Her High Hotness?

You say you represent "The Plaid Party." Does this mean you have a certain affinity for things Tartan, or are you just a tad squeamish around the colors Red, Blue, or perhaps Purple? As a descendant of the Clan McCloud, I actually have Plaid blood running through my veins. You know how birds are drawn to shiny objects? That's me and plaid. I can be engaged in a heated intense discussion, but if I see plaid out of the corner of my eye, I find myself drawn to it...FEAR not, however; this will not affect my ability to lead this great nation into greaterness.

You seem to have a great love of Ducks. Is this a life-long obsession, or just a special-interest group that is "feathering" your nest? As much as I think that Ducks are a vastly misunderstood and under-appreicated segment of our society, I pledge that I will NOT be swayed in any way by the pullings and panderings of any special interest groups. Now, if the ducks, geese, pigeons and other flying foul of our country can unite for a common purpose, I would be happy to sit down and talk with them.

I've noticed from several of your posts that you migrated in recent years from the Upper Midwest to the more temperate climes of North Carolina. Do you consider either Minnesota or North Carolina to be "Swing States," or are they solidly in your corner? North Carolina...I have to be honest... I'm not even sure I have SEEN a swing here. Been to a couple different parts...I know they have slides, monkey bars (I propose we change these to "Simian Bars" so as to not offend other primates), I know they have those little bridges that everyone always plays trolls on. But... no swings. (Please cue creepy swing-creaking music here)... so I guess I will call them solidly in my pocket. Minnesota is...a beaver of another color. This is the state that elected "Jesse the Body" as governor...and now has nominated Stuart Smalley as a senatorial candidate. So...I'd say my chances there are PRETTY dang good.

Your User Profile says that you are close to certain persons known only as "Essie," "Gert," "Mr. B." and "Mimi." Will they serve in a Hot Tub Lizzy Administration? And, if so, in what capacity? Gert, Essie & Mimi are part of my 3-fold approach to national security and world peace. #1 Gert-Gert is our first line of defense. I plan to send her to problematic foreign leaders and have her give them this look (see photo, right), 'cause no one can say "no" to that. If by some chance Gert is NOT successful with that look, we will then send in...#2 Essie-Essie will attempt something like this:Essie - "Mr Prime Minister. Will you please stop making nuclear weapons?"Mr. PM - "No"Essie - "PLEASE, Mr. PM? Please will you stop making nuclear weapons?"Mr. Pm - "I said No!"Essie - "PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE? I promise we'll be REALLy good, will you PLEASE stop."Mr. PM - "I already told you ,NO!"Essie - "But I said PLEASE. PLEASE stop making them."Mr. PM - "I SAID NO!"Essie - "But, I WANT you to STOP MAKING THEM. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE. I won't ask for anything EVER again!"Mr. PM - "NO NO NO Don't you listen?"Essie - "PLEASE? PRETTY PLEASE???? I just really want you to stop and I'll be SO good and I won't even pick on Gert if you'll stop."Mr. Pm - "NO"Essie - "Please? Please? Please? Please? Please? Please? Please? Please? Please? Please? Please? Please? Please? Please? Please? Please? Mr. PM - "OH FOR GOD'S SAKE STOP!!! FINE, WE'LL QUIT MAKING THEM. JUST PLEASE STOP!!!" Now... if THAT should SOMEHOW fail... then we will send in the Big Guns...

#3 - Mimi.... she's just nag the heck out of them and they'll be forced to see our way.

What are your views on Lipstick, especially on Pigs? I think that the government has no right to say whether or not a pig should wear lipstick. If a pig feels that wearing lipstick expresses her (or HIS) true self, then they should be allowed to wear it as long as they don't infringe upon the lipstick-wearing rights of others.

Speaking of lipstick, you, obviously, are a woman. What would you like to say in support of your candidacy to female voters throughout This Great Land? It's pretty basic-all those times you saw the President and said "He just doesn't get it..." well, now someone does. And I will make all companies give women 12 paid PMS days a year. And guys, I don't want to HEAR about it.

What does the Hot Tub symbolize in your candidacy? A place where ALL sides can come together, relax, and solve the problems of the world. Isn't that what hot tubs are for?

I am in a constant state of awe. I just cannot get over the questions some bloggers can come up with. I evidently have zero sense when it comes to interviews. Fabulous. Can't wait for your next meeting of the minds.