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sometimes a stereotype, sometimes not

Something happened to me about a month ago. I showed on social media an unpopular opinion. At the heat of the moment, I didn’t care and didn’t think things through. I just posted the comment. However, half an hour later, I regretted it. People agreed with me but they weren’t willing to post it on social media because they were afraid of the backlash. And they were right in a way, I did receive a very small amount of backlash but something nonetheless. I instantly felt terrible when I saw it. People weren’t calling me names and make no mistake, nothing that we were talking about contained any kind of bullying or insults. But people were talking about my comment indirectly. That it was unnecessary and maybe even rude. I wanted to take it back. I wanted to turn back time and never make the comment. I even considered apologizing. But why? I wasn’t saying anything wrong per se. Maybe wrong for those who disagreed but not wrong in principle. It was my simple opinion. The only difference? That it was unpopular.

All my life, I’ve held very clearly my stance on many different subjects. Because I like reading, I have these moments where I research topics I stumble upon and form my opinion. (Weird for a seventeen-year old, I know.) But I always kept it to myself. If people were saying something I agreed on, I said a sentence or two concurring but if people were talking about something I disagreed on, it was a completely different story. I stayed silent and only listened. Even when I thought someone was saying something that was wrong and not simply different from what I thought, I didn’t say anything. I always thought, why even bother? People believe what they want to believe and that’s it. To try to convince them of otherwise, would just be a waste of my time.

But it wouldn’t. I know I am open to hear others’ opinions whether they differ form mine or not and it has happened that I’ve changed my mind listening to others. I had never expressed an unpopular opinion so publicly before. But a month has passed and I don’t regret it anymore. It’s not wrong to state your opinion, it’s actually great and you should do it. Expressing our opinions and listening to others is not only part of what makes us individuals and constitutes on our freedom of speech, but it’s also what gives us perspective. What allows us to see things in different ways and put ourselves in someone else’s shoes. I’ve learned my lesson and I’m glad I did. I will no longer be afraid to say what I think.

A few days ago, I had a dream about Zayn (ex-member of One Direction) being my older sister’s ex-boyfriend. He was in my house for some reason, apologizing to my sister, and just being really nice overall. It was weird and random to say the least. But after that dream, I couldn’t stop thinking of him. I hadn’t really liked him previous to this dream, mind you, but I couldn’t help but think of him as he had been in my dream, a really nice and cute guy. So I tried to brush it off and continue on with my life. But then I had a dream about being in a The 1975 concert and meeting the lead singer, Matty Healy. He, much like Zayn, was a complete and utter sweetheart to me in the dream even though I was acting like a crazy fan. Now, I love The 1975 so I haven’t been able to brush off the obsession that ensued. All I do now is think about the band, or more specifically, Matty. I spend my afternoons swooning while watching interviews and live shows of them. This makes me feel a little unhinged because I can only listen to their music now and have weird daydreams where I hang out with them. This brings me to the question of how much do dreams really affect you? I usually can’t remember most of my dreams and they’re usually not even that pleasant but remembering these two pleasant and vivid dreams has thrown me off.

Questions about dreams aren’t new but they’ve been bothering me for the past week. I love/hate the dreams I’ve had. I love them because they were so nice and made me happy but I hate them because they’ve created obsession within me when I should really be focusing on my senior year work and college applications. I don’t even know if this is normal or if I’m just even weirder than I thought. Either way, I need to FOCUS because I didn’t even bother to think about dreams before this. Is this what people who always have nice dreams feel? UGH! This is too distracting. (See what I did there?) My brain should make me dream about finishing applications and essays so that I can get motivated and actually have a good obsession that’ll lead me to being productive.

Anyway, that’s it. I feel like this was way too long to be a quick note but yeah, that’s it.

Here’s the truth. I’m a good student and I do all my work on time. Just like any student though, I tend to procrastinate and leave things until the last minute. I then proceed to almost kill myself by trying to finish the assignment on time. This sort of routine was fine with me until now. Lately, I find myself more and more unmotivated to even start assignments. I feel like it doesn’t matter how much I work and complete assignments, there’s just more to be done. It’s never-ending and I don’t feel like I’ve had a lot of time for myself where I can just relax and do whatever I want.

My personal time is something of great importance to me but the immense workload teachers tend to give in high school has mostly always taken priority in my life. I’ll finish the essay, project, or whatever it is, and then I’ll rest. But the thing is, I haven’t rested in months and the whole process of doing work is getting monotonous and tiring so I’ve slacked off. BIG TIME.

I’m extremely behind so much work that I’ve surprised myself. I have never been so irresponsible but it seems like I just can’t help it. There’s a point where you start to wonder what’s the fucking point? I’ll finish this and then I’ll have to finish that and that and that and the list just goes on. I’m striving for good grades to get into a good college to graduate to get a good job to meet someone to marry them to have kids and finally, to be happy. This sort of mentality has recently been rejected simply because it’s just not the way life and happiness works. My brain and I (arguably different) know it but I can’t help but think of it as my goal. Maybe when I get accepted into a good college I’ll be happy. Maybe when I graduate I’ll be happy. Maybe when I get my dream job (if I ever figure what it is) I’ll be happy. But why can’t I be happy now? Why can’t I do the stuff I want to do now? Why do I always have to be worrying about the future?

These are the thoughts that have ran through my mind and have now got me unmotivated. That and of course, the perpetual laziness that seems to be embedded in my DNA. I don’t know if those are the reasons you’ve been procrastinating or feeling unmotivated or not but here’s the point.

My reasons don’t really matter on the broader spectrum of things. I obviously need to reevaluate myself and the things I do to get rid of these annoying thoughts or resolve them. Whatever the solution is, it doesn’t really matter in terms of my work. Unfortunately, just like Dan Howell said in his “The Art of Procrastination” video which I highly recommend, the world goes on (I’m not sure if I quoted this right but that’s kind of the gist). While I’m suffering my existential crisis which hits me every few months (although it’s been decreasing), the world goes on because it doesn’t give a shit. It probably doesn’t give a shit about your reasons either even if they’re valid. I’m stressed and depressed because my workload never seems to end but it really won’t ever end if I keep procrastinating. The world will go on and teachers will assign more work and the pile will just grow.

So get your shit done.

I know I have to. I know it’ll be incredibly hard. But I have to force myself. After I finish this post, I’ll start my work right away and force myself to finish it. I have put off doing so much that I now have seven essays, five assignments along with small assignments teachers give everyday due this week. I have actually already missed the deadline of a few of them and because I now have to complete them, I won’t be able to study for all of my five upcoming tests. Oh, and my AP Language and Composition exam and Science Fair project are going to be in about two weeks.

This is exactly what I meant when I said the world goes on. Things would have been much easier if I had just done my work on time. But it’s fine, sometimes you have to learn the hard way. I’ll get my shit done and I’ll somehow manage. And you will too so if you find yourself in the same situation as me (I don’t blame you) or perhaps feeling unmotivated, I hope this post helped you to get your shit done.

So good luck to both of us and may the odds, force, and all things powerful on earth be with us because I don’t know about you, but I’ll need it.