Sharing Inspiring Self-Help Wisdom By Author, Marilyn Fowler

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Fear

“Nothing in life is to be feared, it is only to be understood. Now is the time to understand more, so that we may fear less.” ~Marie Curie

We’re all afraid sometimes. It’s part of the human condition. Rational fears of a real danger mobilize to positive action. But fears of imagined threats can be destructive and immobilize to exhaustion. We deal with both as we move along our day-to-day path. And it’s helpful to understand what it is we’re dealing with.

A few years ago, I was in a serious car wreck caused by a driver making an illegal turn in front of my car at an intersection. My foot immediately slammed on the brake. Panic and fear gripped my senses, and I couldn’t stop screaming until impact suddenly stopped my car. I spent 4 days in the hospital and 2 months in a nursing home for rehab. I went from a wheelchair to a walker and then a cane. Yes, real dangers need positive action. But fears we conjure up in our minds take their toll in unnecessary stress and worry.

So what are you afraid of? What scares you? Does your mind sometimes drift into “what if”thinking, and you function from a state of fear? What if…I don’t get the job, I make a mistake, this person leaves me, I get sick again, I look foolish, my plan doesn’t work. What if…what if…. It doesn’tget you anywhere, does it? But we all do it.

“Faith and Fear both demand you believe in something you cannot see. You choose.” ~Bob Proctor

We can’t see into the future, so everything in life is unpredictable. Caution is useful, but fear of the unknown can become a damaging habit. Usually, it begins with doubt, then you worry, and then fear sets in. Can you imagine how much negative energy you’re pouring into a situation? You’re already contaminating it. And your mind has chosen that route. But you have the power to choose freedom.An effective way to stop a fear habit is to replace it with a habit of faith. And that takes some monitoring of your thinking patterns. Once you identify your doubt, worry, and fear, then you can dosomething about it. When you feel that first bit of discomfort in the pit of your stomach, go inside and clarify your feelings, honestly. And begin confronting those feelings.

“Don’t be afraid of change, because it is leading you to a new beginning.” ~Joyce Meyer

I’m a believer indenials and affirmations to change our feelings about something. We can’t deny our emotions, but we can deny them any power over us. Pull the fear up to the surface and talk to it like you would another person. “Okay, fear, I know you’re there. But I deny you have any power overme. You’re no bigger than a fly on a horse’s rump, so you might as well go away. I’m done with you.”Then affirm the truth about the situation. “I release you now and affirm my freedom from you through the real Power of faith within me. I am a precious child of the Universe, untouched by yourmischief. So get out of my life.” Use whatever words you’re comfortable with, but be firm in your faith, faith in the truth of who you are.

Ridding yourself of unwanted emotions isn’t easy, and it takes practice. But as time passes, you’ll feel a shift of courage within you, and you’ll smile. As Maya Angelou says, “Courage is fear that has said its prayers.” Not every situation in your life will turn out the way you want it, but you can avoid those negative feelings, and walk your path with courage and faith. It’s like having a tool in your pocket when your human self gets in the way of your sacred Self. Life is not for living in fear. It’s for learning and growing and feeling happy.

“At the core of all anger is a need that is not being fulfilled.” ~Marshall B. Rosenberg~

The pot of spaghetti slammed into the wall, and I watched my supper run down onto my clean kitchen floor. I stomped my feet in it, and then got a hammer and a box of nails and went out back to repair the backdoor screen through which I’d just thrown a chair. I already needed to buy a new lamp. The one I threw across the room last week was beyond repair.

That was me–way too often–for too many years when repressed anger broke down the dam and gushed through with a mighty force. I know about anger. When I was a child, I was forbidden to show anger. But it had to go somewhere, so it seethed inside, waiting until I became an adult and could let it loose. It was my enemy, uncontrolled and very painful.

Anger is a complex critter. When projected outward, it becomes destructive, sometimes even lethal. It can ruin relationships, careers, even property, as in my outbursts toward whatever inanimate object was within my reach when the monster reared up inside. Society tells us we shouldn’t get angry, and if we do, we should just suck it up. As if stuffing it down somewhere inside is going to dissolve it. When anger is repressed, it can cause ulcers, blood pressure imbalance, heart disease, any number ofillnesses. On my 30th birthday, I vowed to never have another angry tantrum. And I didn’t. But then my anger turned inward, and caused severe depression.

According to Marion Moss in her book, ‘Removing Your Mask’, anger is a specific form of fear at a very deep level, and most anger shows that people’s internal and external realities are not in balance. Thereal message of anger is almost always about one’s own beliefs, perceptions, or actions in a given situation or with particular people, not the situations or people themselves. P194-195.

“Where there is anger, there is always pain underneath.” ~ Eckhart Tolle ~

So what causes anger? Where are you hurting?

Anger is often your response to a thought, idea or belief that you’re being treated unfairly or threatened by someone or something--look what they’re doing to me–or that you’ve fallen short of your own standards–I’m so stupid. I should have done better. These perceptions may be associatedwith self-esteem issues, a need to feel secure and safe, personal exposure, your own imperfection, loss of something tangible in your life, or something as simple as a need to be right. For some, being wrong means invalidation of self, but being right provides a false sense of power.

When a situation arouses an inner fear, you may perceive anger as a way to deal with the situation–sometimes just to let off steam like throwing a chair through a screen door. Some of your perceptions may be accurate, but lashing out in anger is not the answer.

Anger is a natural human emotion, and it can kill you or save your life, depending upon how you use it. But you must use it wisely for it to work for you instead of against you. Next week I’ll go into some waysto tame the tiger and put you in control, ways to allow it to help heal your fears and grow in truth.

“Your assumptions are the windows on your world. Scrub them off every once in a while, or the light won’t come in”.
~ Isaac Asimov

Much in life is assumed, labeled, taken for granted. We expect to get what we need from our family, friends, acquaintances, co-workers, anyone in our life. You’re there for them, so you assume the same from them when you need something. That may be true. They love you. They’re there for you. But if you knock on the wrong door, you’ll come away disappointed and hurt. Sometimes what appears to be a duck is not a duck. It’s a different critter, and you never realized the difference.

Example: Some years ago I was struggling with a stressful situation in my life, and I felt overwhelmed, alone and emotionally drained. I needed someone to just listen to my feelings and be understanding and compassionate, someone to help me feel that I’d be okay. I went to two friends and expressed the fear and emotional pain I was going through, told them my situation and how I was feeling. One responded by telling me what to do, and the other told me his problems. I already knew what to do, and I couldn’t handle someone else’s problems at that time. They listened to my words, but they didn’t hear me. I’d cried out for help, and they didn’t hear my need. Now I really felt alone.

After this incident, I went to my Minister, and she helped me understand my disappointing encounter. She said we all have our own gift, but no one has all gifts. There are listeners, fixers, advisers, advocates, mediators, care-givers, nurturers, humorous ones, and the list goes on. So instead of assuming, we need to acknowledge the other person’s gift and not expect what they can’t give. And love them anyway. I thought about my two friends, and I realized they gave me what they had to give, and they loved me in their own way.

This enlightenment taught me a new way to relate to the people in my life, and I became aware of my own gift. I have two friends who live in other states and one who lives near me. Now these are the only ones I go to when I need understanding, hope, and compassion. We’re there for each other in emotional support issues. Other people in my life provide help in different ways. And I provide my gift where I can. This way of relating is a blessing.

There’s a saying,“You can’t get bread from a hardware store”. And if you keep going to hardware stores for your bread, it’s like chewing the same food over and over and getting heartburn every time. Take a second look at the people in your life, learn what gift each has to give, and don’t expect more. Then go only where your need will be met, and share your gift with them. That’s unconditional love. And this will avoid hurt feelings and create more loving relationships.
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