Well, hello there! You are a new person. Welcome to person training. It's almost the centennial anniversary of people training, and by the time we celebrate, you will be a cultured, well-trained human. But you need training for that ... so here we go!

First, you're going to have to learn how to use your arms and legs. This is easier than it looks, kind of like riding a bike (you will learn about that later.) Once you learn, you never forget. No triathlons, nothing like that. Just a few steps.

After you've mastered that, you're going to learn how to speak. You don't have to be bilingual (that'll come later, too.) Just get the basics down. Nothing hard; it's not going to take you a century to do this. All you need is patience. Don't give up.

Now that you know how to walk and talk, you are going to start meeting people. You will make friends. It's important to remember that everyone is unique in their own way; not everyone is exactly like you.

Once you know people, you can start making phone calls. You can call one person or you can do a three-way call (and you should note that a group of three is called a triad; you can add that to your list of new words.)

When you're on a phone call, you could make plans with a person at, say, a restaurant in town. You need to get there. So next you're going to learn how to drive.

Driving is also like riding a bike. Once you learn, you will always know. But, it takes time, patience, and cautiousness to really learn how to do it correctly. It's a binocular skill, and though you are bipedal, you need only one foot for both the gas and the brake pedals.

If you go the wrong way, make a U-turn. A U-turn is basically a semicircle. Just make sure to do it in a safe place, and don't hit anything.

When you get to your lunch with a friend, you engage in conversation. On some topics, you will unify; and on others, you will disagree. This is OK. Like we said before, everyone is unique and is not going to be just like you.

Well, those are the basics to being a human. There are other things, but that's all we have time for today.

Nobody is perfect

By Emma Downey

Grade 8, Edmunds Middle School

Being a human is hard. I'm just going to put that out there.

People expect everyone to be perfect when that's physically impossible; nobody is perfect.

Living as a human being is grueling, complicated and inequitable, but also enjoyable and amazing. It's full of surprises and adventure.

Enjoy the little things and make the most of it. Life doesn't just come around easily. You need to work for things as a human.

Life as a human being is a privilege and you should try to enjoy it because life is short.

Being human

By Emily Foster

Grade 7, Endeavour Middle School

Step 1: Act casual. This is very important. Humans try to find themselves superior to everything, so practice eye rolling in the mirror.

Step 2: Read tabloids and believe them, but pretend that you don't believe them and that you don't read them.

Step 3: Act like talking to yourself is crazy, but do it anyway.

Step 4: Forget things. Humans are very forgetful.

Step 5: Every once in awhile, wear mismatched socks. When questioned, throw hands in air, saying, "Everyone does it!"

Step 7: Although I know it might be hard, pretend unicorns don't exist (even though they totally do; except they only live on Venus, which you already know, being the wise alien that you are.)

Step 8: Act like adults were born a century ago.

Step 9: Act like you hate math even if you don't. Don't ask why you do.

Step 10: Get into a sport like running. This shall be fairly easy, as you have amazing bipedal abilities. Say you're training for a triathlon.

Step 11: Use Facebook. Make "friends" with those you do not know. Even though this is clearly against all rules regarding Internet safety.

Step 12: Try to fit in but say you're unique.

Step 13: Unify with a group of friends.

Step 14: Get excited over everything and anything. Whether it's binoculars or Christmas, get excited!

Still learning

By Zani Lewis

Grade 6, Homeschool, Burlington

"Hi Mom. Hi Dad," I say.

"Hi sweetie," says Mom.

"You're finally awake, Champ. Congrats," Dad smiles. "Did you forget to read your "How to Be a Human and Make Everyone Like You" directions?"

"Oh, I'll get that," I say as I run back up the stairs to my bedroom.

This morning I'm tired and the alien blood running through my veins doesn't help. I'm from a different planet in a different galaxy.

We moved to Earth when I was 11, last year. I don't go to school yet because I'm still learning how to be human. However, I can do calculus in my head because I sucked the intelligence from a college guy. That was about eight months ago ...

I grab my "How to Be a Human" directions and open it to the "Morning List":

1. Get out of bed

2. Yawn

3. Stretch

4. Go to the bathroom

5. Brush your teeth

6. Rinse your toothbrush off

7. Go back to your room

8. Take off your pajamas (See the "Night List.")

9. Put clothes on (See "How to Dress Like a Human.")

10. Go to the kitchen

11. Take out cereal and milk (See "How to Eat Like a Human.")

12. Take out a bowl

13. Pour cereal in the bowl

14. Pour milk in the same bowl and spill some on the counter/table and say "Oops!"