J.D. Salinger was this guy, he was a writer I think. He wrote this goddamn book, it was about baseball or bread or something. I can never remember that sort of goddamn thing, if you want to know the goddamn truth. I don't care much for school and don't pay attention that often. Except I do like English. So I guess it's kinda weird that I don't remember.

Anyway, this goddamn Salinger guy likes to go by his first two initials as his pen name, just like my brother D.B., who's actually my favorite author. Old D.B. I suppose he's still prostituting himself in Hollywood living in the height of his goddamn glory with the rest of the goddamn phonies. I hope to hell not, really. I should probably give him a goddamn buzz.

Contents

Childhood

Geese like to fly a lot. Boy, I wish I could fly. But then my arms would get tired and I'd probably freeze to death in winter. Just like those ducks in Central Park and all.

When this goddamn Salinger guy was a kid, I guess he must have written a lot or else he wouldn't be a writer. I write a lot, but when I get done it just looks so phony that I can't stand it so I throw it away. This one time I wrote a story about these geese, and I guess it was pretty good. But then when I showed it to people they kept telling me about how good it was. People are always telling you how good stuff is. It really spoiled the story for me. Now I can't even read the story without feeling like a goddamn phony.

Salinger went to college, I suppose. College just seems so phony though. Like the people who get to go just because they play sports or something. I'm not good at sports, but I like baseball okay. I'm pretty good at it, I really am. Racquetball's fun, but only if you play with somebody worthwhile. Otherwise it's just a goddamn waste.

My kid brother was always playing racquetball against himself. That killed me. He was always doing stuff like that. You'd have liked him, you really would've.

Books

A bunch of goddamn phonies.

He wrote this goddamn book, it got a lot of good reviews and all. Catcher something. A lot of goddamn people liked it and gave him a goddamn prize for it. Very big deal. Some goddamn people got pretty sore about it though and tried to ban it for Chrissake. Real princes I'll tell ya. Reminds me of some goddamn mac I once knew.

I think prizes are goddamn phony as hell. It's just goddamn people going up and getting something shiny just because they did something goddamn fancy. Boy, I goddamn hate that. In my old school you wouldn't've goddamn believed what some people got these lousy awards for. The goddamn headmaster would call them up to this gorgeous stage and congratulate them for having perfect attendance or combing their goddamn hair or something corny like that. These goddamn people are just a bunch of goddamn phonies, really. I'm sure his goddamn book was real fantastic, though. A sure thinker.

I hate how chalk dust gets in my goddamn lungs. Plus it makes me really goddamn thirsty even when I don't want to drink anything. Girls are goddamn weird.

Controversy

The book he wrote was banned from these dumb old libraries because it had sexywords. These people are dumber and phonier than the goddamn prize people. One time I said a curse at school, and my teacher, it was kind of funny what she did. She gave me a goddamn detention, for Chrissake. I had to clean the chalkboards. But the thing is, I really hate chalk dust. So when I was cleaning the chalkboard I kept inhaling all this dust. It sort of irritated my throat and all, and I ended up coughing like a madman by the time I was done. That kind of goddamn thing is always happening to me. I don't suppose that this goddamn Salinger guy had to clean anything, though. Guys like that never do.

Seclusion

So this goddamn Salinger guy got real sick of all these goddamn phonies trying to tell him how goddamn grand he was, so he went away for about fifty years and never told anybody anything. He's been missed for a while now, because he did such great works and all. And now people say he's dead, or something.

Too many people like this article, and for some reason it's been featured on the front page—why does everything always have to be so phony, it really kills me. This was a good article until it became so mainstream and now I bet all those phonies reading it on the front page aren't even getting it, no kidding. Terrific.