ALS

Last year, the ALS ice bucket challenge viral videos ran rampant across the internet, and brought in millions of dollars for Lou Gehrig’s Disease research. In a decidedly crazy twist, it seems that money has been used to find and diagnose an entirely different disease, and it’s one that could change the face of medicine forever.

Researcher Jordan Marsh says that the ALS videos and the money raised by them has helped them to discover a new breakthrough in a specific virus that has been plaguing the world, but has yet to be contained.

“We used the ALS money to look into the root of this long-standing virus, and thankfully, we have been able to pinpoint where it began, and also how to contain it from spreading further,” said Marsh. “It’s one for the books, for sure.”

For the books it will be, because as of this time, Marsh is not saying what discovery they have made.

“At this time, I am just going to say that it’s a huge deal, and we are very excited, but we want to get all the information out at once, and accurately, so you’ll have to wait until our findings are released in the National Book Of Medical Journals.”

World-renowned physicist and one of the smartest men in the world, Stephen Hawking, who has been in a wheelchair for most of his life, suffering from ALS, also known as Lou Gehrig’s Disease, was reportedly spotted recently getting up from his wheelchair and casually walking across the room to a refridgerator, where he grabbed a bottle of beer, chugged it, and then returned to his chair.

“I saw the footage on camera, and I couldn’t believe my eyes,” said Cambridge University security officer Phil Rogers. “I’ve known Mr. Hawking for years, and I just didn’t think it was possible. You know, though, I wouldn’t put it past his big brain to have come up with a cure for ALS years ago, but he stays in the chair now because it’s his gimmick. No doubt the ladies love it.”

An Oscar-nominated film was released last year based around the life of Hawking, titled The Theory of Everything. It chronicled his life as a young man, his loves, and his affliction with ALS that left him paralyzed completely. Hawking has been talking via computer for the better part of 3 decades.

“I think it’s possible he could be faking it, but I guess at this point, why would he do that?” said Dr. Grover Sentinel, a professor at Cambridge. “He could do anything he wants. He has one of, it not the most, brilliant mind that there is today. He understands things that no one living ever could. If he can walk, well – you know what, more power to him.”

For the moment, Hawking is remaining quiet about the possible existence of any footage showing him walking or moving on his own. When reached for comment, his publicist said that they would “not discuss such nonsense.”

It seems anyone can be an object of sexual desire, with fetishes ranging from watching morbidly obese people eat, to enjoying girls urinating on hairy backs. Now there is something even hotter making its way around the internet, as paralyzed physicist Stephen Hawking’s intimate sex tape has reportedly been leaked.

In the 20-minute video, Stephen’s classic computer voice rattles off a whole list of things he wants done to him while a group of extremely bored-looking girls perform various sexual acts, including grinding his paralyzed legs, sucking his toes, and burying his face between their breasts.

Although Hawking is not able to achieve an erection, there is a pronounced twinkle in the physicist’s eyes throughout the video.

A close friend of Stephen explains, “He’s still a man, even though he suffers from ALS, and he wasn’t always paralyzed. He knows what he’s missing, and some part of him wants a taste of it. Even though he is unable to feel, he is able to imagine the sensations. It’s amazing he has lived passed seventy in his condition, and at this point in his life, it’s time to live out his fantasies before it’s too late.”

Vivid Entertainment, known for releasing celebrity sex tapes, says that they have “absolutely no interest” in purchasing and releasing the Hawking sex tape, as it’s just “too out there,” for their regular customers.

The unprecedented success and widespread popularity of the social phenomenon known as the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge has spurred several spin-off activities. Most notable is the Human Lycan Syndrome (HLS) Flaming Coal Challenge.

In a typical HLS Flaming Coal Challenge, participants are required to simply obtain a medium to large sized bucket, fill it with conflagrant pieces of coal, and upend the entire container’s contents onto his or her unprotected head. Viewers of videos capturing these episodes are often treated to amused giggles at the participants’ surprise and raucous shrieks of pain. Similar to the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge, the HLS Challenge then asks that participants nominate their friends to partake in the fun within 24 hours or else donate $100 to Human Lycan Syndrome. This is, however, provided that the participant is still conscious and/or not engulfed by searing flames at the end of the challenge.

The HLS Flaming Coal Challenge is part of a larger effort to raise awareness and funds for the Human Lycan Syndrome. The Human Lycan Syndrome is a debilitating disease that affects 1 out of every 3,700,425.68 people during each lunar eclipse. A spokesperson for the HLS Association commented on the situation.

“This challenge has done wonders for raising awareness for HLS. Many people may laugh off HLS, but few realize just how traumatic and crippling this disease is for those who suffer from it. But our challenge has but HLS back in the national conscious. Because, when you have fiery rocks scorching your cranium, what else do you do but ponder the complexities and difficulties of having a life-altering medical affliction?”

The Flaming Coal Challenge has seen a marked rise in popularity throughout the internet. Millions of people, from A-list celebrities to everyday citizens, have joined in the fun of dumping several pounds of blazing coals onto their exposed scalps. Even more people, however, have been able to enjoy the sheer pleasure of watching their friends and family sidestep their social responsibility by instead engaging in shameless, repetitive tomfoolery.

The challenge has also helped people avoid the other obvious, but totally lame, alternatives, including donating money, actual thought, and reflection to actually help mobilize funds and awareness for a serious illness in a way that is slightly more constructive than dumping objects onto your skull.

The “Ice Bucket Challenge,” a viral-video ploy to raise awareness for ALS, commonly known as Lou Gehrig’s Disease, has recently popped up all across the internet, prompting everyone to challenge their friends to dump ice water over their heads in lieu of, or in addition to, donating to the research to cure the deadly disease. Around the Missouri border it has gone viral at an exponential pace, prompting action from the city council.

“These people are dumping buckets of ice water on their heads, wasting millions of gallons per day,” Says Sly James, the Mayor of Kansas City. “It was great at first because donations were pouring in to local chapters for research on ALS, but after the first couple of days panic ensued for us representatives.”

James is referring to a serious environmental problem faced by the city in the last few weeks. “People are dumping five gallon buckets, 10 gallon buckets, and heck, even bucket loaders full of water on themselves, which would all be well and good, if we weren’t in the middle of a drought,” says Meteorologist Katie Horner. “We are experiencing one of the worst droughts in years, and wasting all this water when the whole point was to get people donating to a charity is asinine.”

Kansas City alone has lost water due to drought, enough so that more rural portions of the city are going without it, as well as the rest of the city having to ration their water. “Restaurants have shut down, people are not allowed to shower, a family of five is only rationed ten gallons of water every other day,” Says James. “These people need to realize that for all the positivity they are spreading by making ALS known, they are also devastating our ecosystem, which in recent years has become extremely fragile. There is always two sides to the coin.”

With no sign of stopping, people in Missouri have decided to stop using the tap and have gone to lakes and rivers to get their water, with equal detriment to the environment surrounding. “It goes without saying that people in general need to be a part of something,” says anthropologist Robert Layton. “It is unfortunate that in today’s social age they need to grasp on to internet, to notoriety or fame so much that they refuse to see what they are doing to their home town.”

“We had to put out a bulletin banning the ice bucket challenge,” Says James. “We just can’t have people potentially dying for no reason other than to get out of donating money to research. People should just make videos showing them donating. ‘ALS is a big deal, let’s take it out!’ and then fork over $10. That’s what the challenge was supposed to be about. Apparently somewhere along the line, people forgot the ‘donate’ part, and just started wasting water.”

Although the ‘challenge’ has brought in over $1 million more than the ALS foundation would have normally received by this time in years past, representatives for the foundation say that if people actually donated when they did the challenge, they’d have much more.

“Originally the challenge was someone nominates you, and you have 24 hours to either complete the challenge AND donate $10, or you would not complete the challenge at all, and you had to donate $100,” said Marsha Farmington, representative for the ALS foundation. “Yes, we’ve had people donate. Yes, we’ve had people donate more than $100, even. But I have to say, based on how many videos I see in my Facebook feed every day of people dumping buckets over their head, most people who do the challenge remember to film it, they remember to tag friends, and they remember to post it on the internet. The thing they forget is to donate the $10.”

Seventeen-year-old Latasha Johnson died last night after taking part in the ‘Ice Bucket Challenge,’ according to Boston Police Department spokesperson Cheryl Fiandaca.

“It is with sadness and regret that we have indeed ruled this a very tragic, unimaginable accident,” said Fiandaca. “Ms. Johnson was simply trying to help raise money for ALS along with her friends, but she went into hypothermia after pouring a bucket of ice water over her head, and then not changing out of her wet clothes for several hours. The hypothermia went untreated and unfortunately resulted in her death, autopsy pending.”

Latasha Johnson and her friends, all soon-to-be seniors at Cristo Rey Boston High School, were taking part in the challenge with the intentions of raising money for ALS. One of the friends, eighteen-year-old Naomi Sanchez, told police that they all dumped buckets of ice water over their heads at the same time while another friend recorded video of the incident on her cell phone. Sanchez said that all the girls were laughing at Johnson who had been shivering for more than two hours afterwards and eventually fell asleep, so they just left her there on a chair in the backyard.

It was not until it was discovered that Johnson began to look very pale that the others decided to call 911. Sadly, it was too late, and Johnson had succumbed to hypothermia.

“The Boston Police Department and several medical experts studied several videos captured by the friends diligently. One video was from the actual challenge, when they dumped the water over their heads, and others were taken while the girls laughed at Johnson shivering over the next couple hours,” Fiandaca said. “Some of the videos were posted online but have since been removed, and all cell phones were confiscated for the pending investigation of criminal intent.”

Police are investigating the idea that the other girls teased Johnson into staying in her wet clothes, freezing, while they all were ‘allowed’ to change their clothes. Reports say that videos posted to YouTube by the girls showed they had all changed into dry clothes or new bikinis, while Johnson did not.

The Ice Bucket Challenge has become a viral sensation over the last couple of weeks, started by former Boston College baseball player Pete Frates, who was diagnosed with amyotrophic lateral sclerosis, also know as ALS, and most commonly Lou Gehrig’s Disease. Frates and his family started the movement via Facebook and Twitter as a creative way to spread ALS awareness throughout social media, often using the hashtag #IceBucketChallenge. It has since gone viral and has spiked ALS donations by over 1000% since July 31st.

“This is a ‘creative’ way to spread ALS awareness via social media and in communities nationwide,” said Barbara Newhouse, President and CEO of The ALS Association just days ago. “We thank Pete Frates and his family for getting so many people involved in spreading the word about ALS.”

After posting their ice bucket videos to social media, participants nominate others to take the plunge and keep the cycle going. If those challenged don’t accept within 24 hours, they’re asked to donate to the ALS Association.

The Ice Bucket Challenge has been accepted by many celebrities such as Ethel Kennedy, who has since challenged President Obama to take part. Matt Lauer did it live on the Today show, and Martha Stewart, New England Patriots wide receiver Julian Edelman, Boston Mayor Marty Walsh, and many others have all taken part in the challenge.

The parents of Latasha Johnson ask the public to not let their daughter die in vain.

“She was just trying to raise money for this incredible cause. She loved people and, unfortunately, loved the dumb things she saw on the internet. She never knew how dangerous this stunt count be. Please, we beg you to donate to the ALS Association on her behalf. Let her good deed have meaning,” said her grief-stricken father, Mohana Johnson.