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BRIEFLY
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There
are two ways to go about stopping marital abuse: being submissive or being
conflictive.

I.
The Submissive Posture

Abusers
react to the slightest provocation  real or imagined  with disproportionate
wrath and, often, violence. It is important, therefore, never to openly and
repeatedly disagree with your abuser or contradict him. If you do  your abuser
is bound to walk away, but only after he has vilified and harmed you in every
way he can.

Abusers
feel threatened by real sharing and common decision-making. Never offer your
abuser any intimacy  it is a sure way to turn him off and his aggression on.
Abusers perceive intimacy as the prelude to manipulation ("What is she getting
at? What does she really want? What is her hidden agenda?").

Abusers
are narcissistic  so admire and adore them openly. But do not lie or exaggerate
 this will be perceived as cunning and will provoke your abuser to feats of
paranoia and jealousy. Look awed by whatever matters to him (for instance: by
his professional achievements or by his good looks, or even by his success with
other women).

The
abuser tries to transform his personal space into the exact opposite of his real
life. At home, he is the master of a fantasy of perfection and harmony and the
undisputed recipient of adulation and obeisance. Any reminder that, in reality,
his life is a drab dead end, that he is a failure, or a tyrant, or a swindler,
or a wannabe, sometimes hated by his own oppressed family  is likely to be met
with unbridled hostility.

Never
remind him of life out there and if you do, connect it somehow to his sense of
grandiosity. Reassure him of the permanence of your obedient and
self-sacrificial love for him. Do not make any comment, which might directly or
indirectly impinge on his self-image, omnipotence, judgment, omniscience,
skills, capabilities, professional record, or even omnipresence.

Listen
attentively to his words and never disagree, or contradict him or offer your
point of view. You are there to witness the abuser's train of thought  not to
derail it with reminders of your separate existence. Be saintly patient and
accommodating and endlessly giving with nothing in return. Never let your energy
be depleted or your guard down.

Your
abuser is likely to be provoked to extremes by signs of your personal autonomy.
Conceal your thoughts and plans, make no overt choices and express no
preferences, never mention your emotions, needs, earnings, wages, profits, or
trust money. Tell him how much you rely on him to reach the right decisions for
both of you. Play dumb - but not too dumb, or it may be provoke his suspicions.
It is a thin line between pleasing the abuser and rendering him a raving
paranoid.

Never
give your abuser cause to doubt or suspect you. Surrender all control to him,
deny yourself access to property and funds, don't socialize, drop all your
friends and hobbies, quit your job and your studies, and confine yourself to
your abode. Your abuser is bound to be virulently jealous and suspect illicit
liaisons between you and the least likely persons, your family included. He
envies the attention you give to others, even to your common children. Place him
on a pedestal and make sure he notices how you ignore, spurn, and neglect
everyone else.

To
your abuser, you are an object, no matter how ostensibly revered and cherished.
Hence the battering. He monopolizes your time and your mind. He makes for you
even the minutest choices: what to wear, what to cook for dinner, when to go out
and with whom. In extreme cases, he regards even your body as his to share with
others, if he sees fit.

It
is an onerous existence, consistently tiptoeing on eggshells. Neither is it
invariably successful. The submissive posture delays the more egregious
manifestations of marital abuse but cannot prevent them altogether. Choosing to
live with an abuser is like opting to share a cage with a predator. No matter
how domesticated, Nature is bound to prevail. You are more likely than not to
end up as the abuser's next meal.

Unless,
that is, you adopt the Conflictive Posture.

II.
The Conflictive Posture

Contrary
to its name, the conflictive posture is actually about avoiding conflict by
minimizing contact and insisting on boundaries. It is about refusal to accept
abusive behavior by demanding reasonably predictable and rational actions and
reactions. It is about respect for you and for your predilections, preferences,
emotions, needs, and priorities.

A
healthy relationship requires justice and proportionality. Reject or ignore
unjust and capricious behavior.Conflicts
are inevitable even in the most loving and mature bonds  but the rules of
engagement are different in an abusive liaison. There, you must react in kind
and let him taste some of his own medicine.

Abusers
are predators, attuned to the subtlest emotional cues of their prey. Never show
your abuser that you are afraid or that you are less than resolute. The
willingness to negotiate is perceived as a weakness by bullies. Violent
offenders are insatiable. Do not succumb to blackmail or emotional extortion 
once you start compromising, you won't see the end of it.

The
abuser creates a "shared psychosis" (folie a deux) with his victim, an
overwhelming feeling of "the two of us against the whole world". Don't buy into
it. Feel free to threaten him (with legal measures), to disengage if things get
rough- or to involve law enforcement officers, friends, neighbours, and
colleagues.

Here
are a few counterintuitive guidelines:

The
abused feel ashamed, somehow responsible, guilty, and blameworthy for their
maltreatment. The abuser is adept at instilling these erroneous notions in his
victims ("Look what you made me do!"). So, above all, do not keep your marital
abuse a secret. Secrecy is the abuser's weapon.Share
your story with friends, colleagues, neighbors, social workers, the police, the
media, your minister, and anyone else who will listen.

Don't
make excuses for him. Don't try to understand him. Do not empathize with him -
he, surely, does not empathize with you. He has no mercy on you  you, in
return, do not harbor misplaced pity for him. Never give him a second chance.
React with your full arsenal to the first transgression.Teach
him a lesson he is unlikely to forget. Make him go elsewhere for his sadistic
pursuits or to offload his frustrations.

Often
the abuser's proxies are unaware of their role. Expose him. Inform them.
Demonstrate to them how they are being abused, misused, and plain used by the
abuser.Trap
your abuser. Treat him as he treats you. Involve others. Bring it into the open.
Nothing like sunshine to disinfest abuse.

There
are a few techniques which work wonders with abusers. Some psychologists
recommend to treat repeat offenders as one would toddlers. The abuser is,
indeed, an immature brat  though a dangerous one, endowed as he is with the
privileges and capabilities of an adult. Sometimes ignoring his temper tantrums
until it is over is a wise policy. But not very often  and, definitely not as a
rule.

Here
is a recap from previous articles:

(1)
Mirror His Behavior

Mirror
his actions and repeat his words.

If,
for instance, he is having a rage attack  rage back. If he threatens  threaten
back and credibly try to use the same language and content. If he leaves the
house  leave it as well, disappear on him. If he is suspicious  act
suspicious. Be critical, denigrating, humiliating, go down to his
level.

(1b)
Frighten Him

Identify
the vulnerabilities and susceptibilities of the narcissist and strike repeated,
escalating blows at them.

If
a narcissist has a secret or something he wishes to conceal  use your knowledge
of it to threaten him. Drop cryptic hints that there are mysterious witnesses to
the events and recently revealed evidence. Do it cleverly, noncommittally,
gradually, in an escalating manner.

Let
his imagination do the rest. You don't have to do much except utter a vague
reference, make an ominous allusion, delineate a possible turn of
events.

Needless
to add that all these activities have to be pursued legally, preferably through
the good services of law offices and in broad daylight. If done in the wrong way
 they might constitute extortion or blackmail, harassment and a host of other
criminal offences.

(1c)
Lure Him

Offer
him continued Narcissistic Supply. You can make a narcissist do anything by
offering, withholding, or threatening to withhold Narcissistic Supply
(adulation, admiration, attention, sex, awe, subservience, etc.).

(1d)
Play on his Fear of Abandonment

If
nothing else works, explicitly threaten to abandon him.

You
can condition the threat ("If you don't do something or if you do it  I will
desert you").

The
narcissists perceives the following as threats of abandonment, even if they are
not meant as such:

Confrontation,
fundamental disagreement, and protracted criticism

When
completely ignored

When
you insist on respect for your boundaries, needs, emotions, choices,
preferences

When
you retaliate (for instance, shout back at him).

(1e)
Refuse All Contact

Be
sure to maintain as much contact with your abuser as the courts, counsellors,
mediators, guardians, or law enforcement officials mandate.

Do NOT contravene
the decisions of the system. Work from the inside to change judgments,
evaluations, or rulings  but NEVER rebel
against them or ignore them. You will only turn the system against you and
your interests.

But
with the exception of the minimum mandated by the courts - decline any and
all gratuitous contact
with the narcissist.

Do
not respond to his pleading, romantic, nostalgic, flattering, or threatening
e-mail messages.

Return
all gifts he sends you.

Refuse
him entry to your premises. Do not even respond to the
intercom.

Do
not talk to him on the phone. Hang up the minute you hear his voice while
making clear to him, in a single, polite but firm, sentence, that you are
determined not to talk to him.

Do
not answer his letters.

Do
not visit him on special occasions, or in emergencies.

Do
not respond to questions, requests, or pleas forwarded to you through third
parties.

Disconnect
from third parties whom you know are spying on you at his
behest.

Do
not discuss him with your children.

Do
not gossip about him.

Do
not ask him for anything, even if you are in dire need.

When
you are forced to meet him, do not discuss your personal affairs  or
his.

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