Friday, January 7, 2011

Living Life

I do everything alone - and sometimes the silence and emptiness gets to be a lot.

ALONE

Most of the time I try my best to distract myself from this emptiness, I watch movies or get online; however, at the end of every activity I stop, I pause, and I hear it - utter silence. Now, being more introverted I appreciate silence but ongoing absence of sound begins to eat at you after some time.

I don't think other people understand, who date person after person, are in relationships, or who are married. Maybe they do understand and are eternally thankful to God they do not have to live in that silence anymore, in that time between your family of origin and the family you make with a special someone else. I find myself between my home of birth and my home with a family, and oftentimes I pray to God out of this time and wonder: When? How? Who?

The questions echo back and forth in my mind and can become quite a burden and added worry if I am not careful. Living in that time between being told God will provide and God actually providing is always hard; however, it is tough to face these questions by ones self.

I think one of the things I miss the most, is one of the purist forms of affections and love I know - a hug. I know it sounds funny, how hard can it be to get a hug? Well, one of the things I loved about this Christmas was greeting my family and giving/getting hugs, an expression of care and love you do not always receive easily away from family.

Being single is hard, whether you are a single parent, divorced, separated, or just perpetually single like myself. Times and rules change, there is such a variety of people with different personalities, and the dating game is so complex it is enough to drive one completely mad. I suppose I feel inadequate to pursue dating because I lack the 'experience' so many others have, yet I find myself having an inner romantic I would so much enjoy the chance to express to someone worthy of my affections. I also feel like my situation in life financially is unstable, but it happened to me by following God's call and things not panning out the way I thought it was going to work out. Does this mean I am less worthy of affection, of a relationship? Is it supposed to be about money or partnership? I don't know, it is just hard sometimes... and expressing all these worries, doubts, and feelings makes me feel needy and annoying and depressed and alone.