http://www.jewishworldreview.com --
CANADIAN MOUNTIES have lacked credibility since Nelson Eddy, clad in a
red Nehru jacket, crooned to Jeanette MacDonald, "When I'm calling you," with
the "you" stretched mercilessly into "youhoohooooo." Moose emerged from the
forest primeval to query, "What is that noise?"

But, civilian Canadian conduct over the past few months has made
Jeanette and Nelson look positively cerebral, despite the yodeling. Even the
moose are skittish. Our neighbors to the north have been wearing their
toques too tight, as manifest by lunges into decadence, Communism and general
nuttiness.

On International Women's Day, Montreal's Catholic basilica,
Marie-Reine-du-Monde, was spray-painted with anti- religion slogans. The
personable women smeared church paintings with used sanitary napkins and
treated emerging worshipers to condom showers, all to protest Roman Catholic
opposition to abortion. Worse than their conduct was the Canadian newspaper
coverage of the desecration ---a few words buried in the classified ads
section featuring services favored by Charlie Sheen, Hugh Grant and Eddie
Murphy.

Not to be outdone on hate speech (although only that not involving
sanitary napkins), the Canadian Broadcast Standards Council (CBSC) issued an
edict on Dr. Laura Schlessinger's radio show. Dr. Laura's discussion of
"religiously-derived views" on homosexuality was offensive to the CBSC.

Heaven forbid, as it were, that we develop views because of our faith! The
CBSC now requires the 30 Canadian stations carrying Dr. Laura's show to
censor her remarks because, "[w]e respect freedom of speech but do not
worship it. It is significant, but not absolute; material, but not free of
that compromise essential to ensure a balanced and free democracy."

Prohibiting free expression preserves freedom? But, the CBSC was only
warming up, "The sexual practices of gays and lesbians are as much a part of
their being as the colour (note goofy Canadian spelling) of one's skin or the
gender, religion, age or ethnicity of an individual." How did the council
decide against religion when it places it in the same class?

One final CBSC statement is a doozy, evidence of a Canadian coup d'etat
on brain power north of Lake Erie, "[w]hether or not Americans are so
protected in their country is a non-issue for CBSC. Gays and lesbians are
protected in this country." Dear CBSC, we hicks down under surrendered San
Francisco to gays a decade ago. Top that, you spawners of Celine Dion.

Not satisfied with challenging Americans to a duel on homosexuals,
Canadians have moved into the regulation of scents. Nova Scotia has a "No
Scents Is Good Sense" campaign that bans fragrances in public. Halifax
boasts that 80% of its schools are scent-free. Fools. No public school is
scent free. Mustard gas smells better than a room of third graders. Flies
breed on fourth graders following recess. Prince Edward Island fishermen
unions joined with the government to ban scents. Fishermen have some nerve
lobbying on smells. Between this and mandatory French in Montreal, American
tourists wearing Clinique's "Happy," cologne and asking, "What exactly is a
rue?" will be beaten senseless, or pelted with personal hygiene devices.

The socialist nation to the north is a danger because it has become an
idyllic symbol for the liberals here. As Canada goes, so goes the U.S. Law
professor Catharine MacKinnon's radical writings on sexual harassment were
first taken up by Canadian courts and then migrated south. Comparable worth
wages, designed to evaporate free market pricing, made their way down to
Seattle. Mrs. Hillary Rodham Voo-Doo Clinton has touted the Canadian pricing
of prescription drugs as the model for the U.S.

Mrs. Clinton and other liberals breaking into "Oh, Canada" need a slap
across the face with some back bacon. Under a prescription price control
system, Canadians have experienced rationed prescriptions, mandatory
government approval for all prescriptions, and years' waits from the time a
drug is available in the United States before their government formulary
permits its use. For patients hoping for new cancer and AIDS drugs, the wait
is a death sentence.

This infatuation with Canada belies their Spartan surroundings, high
prices and affection for Communists. Check out Canadian prices on book
jackets. Understand that Canadians make up the bulk of Cuba's tourist pie
and that Canadian TV runs Castro propaganda films without a word of CBSC
protest. Canadian firms doing business in Cuba know 50 cents of the $9 per
day wages actually make it to the Cuban laborers' pockets. Scent-free
policies must prohibit sweatshop protests in Ottawa. Deporting little Elian
is our first step in parroting Canadian affection for Cuba and
totalitarianism.

Our friends to the north are socialists who drift aimlessly from
secession over "parlez-vous francais?" to capital punishment for Chanel No.
5. These are folks with a little too much time on their hands ---largely
because of high unemployment. They taunt the U.S and we take it because we
need British Columbia skiing. But, we should not fall for their socialist
ploys. When they are calling us, unlike Jeanette and Nelson, don't answer.
Even the moose understand
that.

JWR contributor Marianne M. Jennings is a professor of legal and ethical studies at Arizona State
University. Send your comments by clicking here.

05/23/00: The new mollycoddling coach05/16/00: On adultery and leadership 05/12/00: Taking your lumps05/02/00: Elian: There's never a liberal around when you need one04/25/00: Life's circle and tenderness04/18/00: Womyn who want it both ways04/11/00: The monsters we're raising with the ergo proposition04/05/00: Endowing the Hooters Chair for Literature Appreciation03/28/00: Dr. Laura: The passive/aggressive kid's mom03/21/00: Dough and campaigns03/14/00: The volunteerism of conscription and pomp03/07/00: Hope and pray that religion remains a force in politics02/29/00: Ditzes in TV Land02/22/00: Cranky nitpickers make writing a [sic] experience02/15/00: Those chameleon 60s activists02/08/00: McCandidate McCain: Flirting with principles02/01/00: The demise of marriage 01/25/00: Stroke of the pen, law of the land: Clinton's Camelot 01/18/00: Off the Rocker Rorschach Test01/11/00: Oprah's lemmings01/04/00: Struggling mightily amidst the comfort12/23/99: Confused fathers 12/14/99: Drop-kicking the homeless12/07/99: Turtles and teamsters, side-by-side in Seattle11/29/99: When conservatives behave badly11/22/99: Compassionate conservative: Timing and targets11/18/99: The elusive human spirit and accountability11/11/99: Succumbing to the intellectual child within with the help of crackpots and screwballs10/28/99: Live by litigation, die by litigation10/22/99: Jesse, Warren, Cybill, Donald and Oprah10/14/99: Inequality and injustice: It's the big one10/05/99: Dan Quayle, morals and schoolyard bullies09/30/99: The monsters of epidermal parenting09/21/99: The Diversity Hoax09/15/99: Waco Wackos09/09/99: Selective censorship09/01/99: The village, the children, judicial imperialism and abortion 08/24/99: Naughty Newt?08/17/99: In defense of Boy Scouts and judgment08/10/99: Ruining the finest health care system in the world08/03/99: Nihilism and politics: ethics on the lam07/26/99: Of women, soccer and removed jerseys07/23/99: Not in despair, a mere mortal doing just fine07/20/99: "Why me?" How about "Why us?"07/13/99: Bunk, junk & juries07/06/99: An Amish woman in a Victoria's Secret store06/30/99: That intellectually embarrassing Second Amendment06/24/99: Patricia Ireland eat your heart out --- but check out the recipe in 'women's mags' first06/22/99: Dems and the Creator coup06/17/99: True courage is more than just admitting troubles