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Tuesday, June 11, 2013

They're blank!

I ranted at two friends earlier this week. It went something like this...

I'm sitting here staring at five resumes for contractors. I almost can’t tell them apart looking at the contractor company write ups. They all have lots of experience, but they’re all incredibly boring. I can see why dynamic company tech leads involved in hiring like checking Github for projects. If they’re not going to provide me something interesting that shows real interest in tech, particularly for around $###/hour, I want to throw it all away and just ask them in person, "Show me how to code this algorithm." Then I'll shout at them in the middle of their pseudocoding, “NEW PROJECT, DRAW ME ANOTHER CHUNK OF CODE FOR THE FIBONACCI SEQUENCE.” Then once they get going on that second algorithm, demand they go back to the first chunk of code, but only for 25% of their available remaining interview time. We’ll do that a few times, back and forth, adding a third algorithm and maybe a fourth. I won't allow them finish one of their methods, for cost reasons and to judge how they handle throwing away their hard work, occasionally exclaiming, “Your marketecture is wrong! Redesign it with the following facet as your primary consideration!" And I'll give them one of these, as randomly picked with a weighted preference for c.: a.) scale, b.) security, c.) a senior executive who likes ‘sexy’ user interfaces”. Then I’ll have them fill out a time card five minutes before we’re done that captures time used during the interview against what they didn’t know they were allocated for each algorithm so they couldn't plan appropriately. First person not to cry (or stomp out of the interview room thinking I'm a total ass) gets the job?

As an alternative, we're going to send our contracting procurement group a series of scripting questions that we hope will weed out anyone who's a poor culture fit for out tech profile.

But there's a lesson. Don't let your contracting company shoehorn your into a template that looks exactly the same as the next contractor in the pile. And make sure something on your resume, near the top, sticks out enough that the next five pages are worth reviewing. Hint, it's not that you've coded in six of the seven versions of .NET or three out of four MVC.NET versions. And if you get that far, make sure those next five pages cut out all the extraneous wording and crap. You worked with MVC in the model, the view, and the controller? You made your code talk to a database? I'm pretty sure I got that from MVC and Oracle in your tech skills. Repeating it once is bad enough. Repeating it in every job description your list for the last eight years is insanity.

Serenity now.

Snarky: Those papers? I wrote a Bayesian algorithm-based application to remove all the similar clauses internally and between contractor candidate resumes.Title: They're blank!

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Snarky

def: adjective - Any language that contains quips or comments containing sarcastic or satirical witticisms intended as blunt irony. Usually delivered in a manner that is somewhat abrupt and out of context and intended to stun and amuse. Origin: Snark="snide remark". (The Urban Dictionary)