Date: Sun, 28 Dec 2003 02:51:16 -0500
From: Thack
Subject: What I Feel For You 138-139
The legal stuff: This is a sexually explicit story
involving homosexuality. Do not continue if this will
offend you. By continuing, you implicitly declare and
affirm under penalties of perjury that you are not a minor
or in the company of a minor and are entitled to have access
to sexually explicit material. The content and opinions
expressed in this story do not imply anything with regard to
the sexual preference of any member of 98 Degrees or other
celebrities named herein. (I do believe all the guys are
straight but as long as they're happy it's all good by me.)
This is a work of fiction entirely.
Thanks to Jase and to Dan. Dan, I'm falling further in love
with you every time we don't get to be together. (If that
makes any sense.) In this installment I'm borrowing a
phrase I picked up from the coolest straight man I know:
James Buselli. Check him out at totaljames.com. Now, on
with the show.
Scene 138
The next several days were trying, to say the least. I was
still bed-ridden, which was driving me crazy. The only
information I got about Drew was delivered from the various
members of our extended family. I quickly learned to
believe some people more than others. Nick, it seemed, was
the least optimistic of them all. It was as though he had
resigned himself to losing his brother and he would only
admit to progress after the doctors assured him Drew
wouldn't relapse. He was most prepared for Drew to take a
downturn in his recovery.
Yes, Drew was recovering. Despite the prognosis given when
he was first admitted, Drew did seem to be on the mend,
although the process was going to be painfully slow. My
biggest concern was having Drew realize I was okay. Since
Jeff was the one to have to lie to Drew about my condition,
I gave him the task of letting him know I was, indeed, on
the mend myself. Even more that I was, Drew was slipping in
and out of real consciousness because of the amount of
medication he was one. Fortunately, it seemed that Drew
didn't really remember what Jeff had told him about my
condition, which made Jeff quite happy.
His injuries were quite severe. I'm certain I was told on
more than one occasion exactly what had happened, but all I
seemed to remember is that he had broken an arm, several
ribs, and that he had extensive internal injuries and one
hell of a concussion.
I tried to play it off, but the doctors were more and more
concerned about my memory lapses. It was standard procedure
for a patient going through major trauma to forget things,
but usually it was details about the accident. I was losing
entire conversations with people and as much as I wanted to
think it was nothing, I was getting worried myself.
"When am I going to get to see him?" I asked.
"The doctor said you can see him as soon as he's stable and
as soon as you get a little more ambulatory," Zane explained
one afternoon. "It's not like we can wheel you and that
contraption on your leg into the ICU."
I groaned, knowing he was right but not wanting to agree.
"Have you given it any thought?" he asked, changing the
subject completely.
"I have," I smiled, proud that I actually recalled the
conversation to which he was referring. "I would like to
stay here while Drew is in recovery."
"Good. I'll figure out where we can all stay once you get
sprung from this place."
He leaned over and gently kissed me on the cheek before
leaving. That left me alone with Jeff and Mike in the room,
although neither of them seemed to really be paying
attention to my conversation with Zane.
We all sat in relative silence for some time. It was one of
the first times in quite awhile I remembered enjoying the
silence. Mike was sitting sideways on the lone chair in the
room, his legs hung over the side as he quickly flipped
through the channels on the TV. The volume was down so low
I couldn't really hear it. Jeff was leaning up against the
wall, absentmindedly staring out the window at the blue
Hawaiian sky.
"Jeff?" I asked, somewhat startling him.
"What's up?" he replied quickly.
"Did you already tell me what you told him?"
"Umm, what do you mean?" he said, looking right at Mike.
"I mean I never really know these days if I know something
or not. Chances are you told me what you said to Drew to
get him to wake up and I just forgot."
"What was that?" Mike asked.
"It's nothing," Jeff said.
I suppose I did know that Mike wasn't in the loop but at the
time it just didn't dawn on me. Part of me figured Jeff
told someone and I had guessed it would be Mike. Jeff was
closest to Nick, of course, but I knew he wouldn't ever
mention the conversation to him while Drew was still so far
from normal. Plus, despite the growing friendship between
Jeff and Zane, I still would have guessed Mike would be the
one to find out.
"It's okay, Jeff," I said. "He'll find out sooner or
later."
"Find out what?" Mike asked, growing suspicious.
"That Jeff is the reason Drew woke up."
"No, I'm not," Jeff quickly said.
"What's going on?" Mike asked.
"I had Jeff go to Drew and tell him I was dying," I said,
not really realizing how outlandish it all sounded.
"What?" Mike practically yelled.
"To get him to come back to me, so he could say goodbye.
That's why he woke up."
"That's the craziest thing I've ever heard."
"But it worked," I shrugged.
"No," Jeff said quietly. "It didn't."
I looked at Jeff, whose blue eyes were transfixed on mine.
In his eyes there was a sadness that I had only seen once
before, back in New York on New Year's Eve.
"I'm sorry, Alex," he said.
The three of us were motionless. I felt so confused, having
convinced myself that my plan had been the reason Drew had
woken up. The doctors had all but written him off. His
mother was at my side telling me she was preparing to say
goodbye to her son.
"I wanted to do what you asked, Alex. I really did," Jeff
began. "But it wasn't that simple. In the beginning I had
told you I'd do it just to calm you down. I wasn't really
going to but I started feeling guilty. So I figured I would
go to Drew and tell him and he wouldn't even hear me. And
it took a long time for me to even get to be alone with
Drew. Nick wasn't exactly keen on having me there."
"Why?" Mike asked.
"Because of all the fights Drew and I have been having. I
really don't blame Nick. I mean, if my brother were on his
deathbed, I wouldn't want one of his biggest enemies to be
the last person around when he passed away. But, somehow I
managed it."
"Is that when you had me take Nick and Justin out to
dinner?"
"Yeah," Jeff confirmed to Mike. "So I got in there with
Drew and I was there holding his hand and I couldn't do it.
I just couldn't tell him that you were dying, Alex. And
it's not because I didn't believe he could hear me. I was
holding his hand and I could feel a tiny bit of life still
in him. I knew that he was still with us. I hadn't given
up hope like Nick did. What really scared me was the idea
that Drew would actually hear me."
"You've totally lost me," Mike confessed.
"I don't know exactly what went down between you and Drew
the night of the accident," Jeff said, addressing me
directly. "But I know for a fact that he loves you and he
always will. I can guarantee that. Even all those months
of me fighting with him I still knew he loved you. So, what
scared me was if I had told Drew you were dying, what would
keep him from just letting go?"
There was a sudden hush in the room. I blinked slowly,
trying to let it all sink in. It wasn't until that moment
that I realized what Jeff was saying.
"You were worried that he would give up so he could be with
me after I died," I said.
Jeff could only nod.
"Oh my God!" Mike announced. "This is too weird."
"And in that moment when I was holding his hand, I knew
that's what Drew would have done. I can't tell you how I
know, but I know. Maybe because that's what I." his voice
trailed off.
"So, what did you say?" Mike asked.
"I opted for the truth," he said with fervor. "I told Drew
that Alex loves him. That much is true. I also told him
that I love him."
In Jeff's eyes I could see there was more he wanted to say.
"And." I said.
"And I told him that I love you, Alex. And if he didn't
want us together, he'd have to come back and fight me for
you."
"And that's when he woke up," I whispered.
Jeff nodded, reaching out and grabbing my hand. I could
feel the life in his body. He took a tentative step
forward, closing the distance between us. A moment later
his lips were on mine and he sealed his emotions with a
single kiss.
Scene 139
When I opened my eyes I found Jeff looking down on me,
trying not to blush. I glanced over at Mike, who had an
astonished look on his face that almost made me laugh. It
dawned on me that he probably had no idea about Jeff's inner
conflict about his feelings for me. Despite everything, it
was apparent what Jeff had decided. This was the second
time he had kissed me and he didn't have the excuse of being
drunk this time. And even more, he had told his dying
friend that he loved me.
"Umm, what just happened?" Mike asked, trying still to
comprehend what he had witnessed.
Jeff shook his head slightly, as if he were a cartoon. It
was as though he had forgotten that Mike was there. He
turned and looked at him, not really ready to say anything.
Mike looked back and started to grin.
"Jeff I had no idea you were gay," he said.
"I'm not," was Jeff's response.
"But, look Jeff. I don't care. I mean you just took me by
surprise that's all. You couldn't get a better guy than
Alex."
"He's not gay, Mike," I intervened, trying to make the best
of the situation for Jeff. I knew that despite Mike's
overwhelming acceptance he probably would struggle with the
concept of a straight man loving another man without being
gay. That's how Jeff had described his feeling for me. It
all made sense between the two of us but when you started
explaining it to someone else it didn't sound too clear.
It's like the plot of a soap opera. When you're watching
it, everything makes perfect sense. When you try to explain
the plot, however, you sound remarkably foolish.
"But." Mike said.
"Jeff and I have a sort of understanding," I started, doing
my best to back peddle and give Jeff a way out if he needed.
"Jeff is still straight, but he and I have connected on
another level, Mike. It's kinda hard to understand."
"Oh, so you and him have never.you know?"
"No," Jeff said. "I've never done anything with a guy,
Mike. I know it doesn't make sense. It doesn't make sense
to me, but I know I love Alex. You love Alex, don't you?"
"Of course."
"And you know that he's one in a million, right?"
"Yeah, I wouldn't be here if he wasn't."
"Over time I just started feeling all of that and realized
he was someone I wanted to be with. Maybe that does make me
gay. Or bisexual. I don't know. I just know that I love
him."
"There's nothing wrong with that, Jeff," Mike replied.
"There's nothing wrong with loving someone."
I didn't say anything. I was simply there watching the
interaction between the two of them. I was so proud of both
of them. Right there in front of me Jeff was coming out.
Maybe it wasn't the traditional way someone might out
themselves, but in reality is there really a traditional way
to be gay? To me, who you love is not much the issue as it
is that you love someone. That's what Jeff wanted: to love
someone.
And who better to come out to than someone like Mike. I
remember hearing someone describe themselves as "straight
but not narrow". That description fit Mike perfectly. Mike
may have been surprised to see Jeff kiss me, but he never
was judging him. It took me months to come out to Mike but
all that time he was supporting me and letting me know it
was going to be okay. I didn't realize it at the time but
he knew.
I could see Jeff tense up at the silence that had fallen
across the room. I was about to say something when I saw
Mike make his move. He stood up and walked the 5 or 6 feet
across the room. Jeff visibly tightened his muscles but
Mike was only there to comfort him. He walked up to Jeff
and threw his arms around him. Jeff slumped down into
Mike's arms and let out a sigh. I couldn't have been
prouder to call Mike family then right at that moment.
"Don't worry about it, buddy," I heard Mike whisper.
"Everything is gonna be fine."
Jeff had just overcome a huge obstacle but I knew there were
many more ahead. I also knew that I was in for a rough
stretch as well. It seemed as though I was facing the
biggest decision of my life.
"Everything's gonna be fine," Mike repeated a little louder.
"Everything's gonna be fine."
To be continued.
Author's note: I agonized over the last installment I
posted. I thought I had made a stupid error having Alex
tell Drew he was dying. After it was posted it seemed like
a dumb thing for him to do. But, then it dawned on me that
in real life, we all do really stupid things. I have been
trying to figure out a way to undo that blunder and that's
how this installment came along. I think it worked out
well. And, it wasn't until I wrote the kiss that I knew it
was going to happen. I know there are "Alex and Drew"
loyalists and "Alex and Jeff" loyalists out there. Even I
don't know where this one is going but it should be fun to
write.
Consider making a tax-deductible donation to the Nifty
archives to keep the up and running. I just made a
donation.
Thanks for all the feedback and emails of encouragement.
They mean a lot to me. Take care everyone. -Thack
Send feedback to: thack98@mindspring.com