The Giving Heart

My mother’s motto is: the way to keep your heart in shape is to love more.

My 91-year-old mother is not well and suffers from Alzheimer’s. She lives in Toronto and I live in Israel. Last year during one of my visits, she said something that I thought was so funny and so sad, all at the same time, something that conveys how much her disease has progressed. But it recently struck me that what she said eloquently captures her true essence – a woman who achieved greatness by her unconditional love.

My sister and I (her two only daughters) were sitting with her on the couch in her apartment. Her caregiver was also sitting with us. You need to picture the scene. My sister and I are very petite Caucasians, and my mother’s caregiver is a rather large, black woman. My mom looked up at my sister with tears in her eyes and said how sorry she was that she never married and never had children. My sister replied that indeed she had married a very wonderful man, that they had a magical marriage and two of her children were sitting on the couch with her.

My mom looked at the three of us and asked, “Which two are mine?”

It’s funny – and sad as well, but it’s also the truth. My mother lived her entire life loving people for who they were – she never gave a care to the outside packaging. And she adopted so many people as part of her family.

Her motto is: the way to keep your heart in shape is to love more. She practiced what she preached – she had a smile, a kind word and much more for everyone who came into her life. In the days when one would actually enter a bank to do daily banking, my mom knew the names of all the tellers she dealt with, plus their marital status and the ages of their children. She befriended a teller and ended up sending him to school so that he could become an investment broker.

It was impossible to enter a restaurant without her smiling at all the other patrons and, of course, talking to all the babies and toddlers in the place. Walking through the mall was such an ordeal – I always wanted to be in and out as quickly as possible. My mom saw it as an opportunity to make friends. She smiled at absolutely everyone she ever came in contact with and anyone who served her – gas, food, in a doctor's office or in a store, she always asked them their name and how their day was going. Even the most surly clerk would smile back at this woman who had love shining in her eyes.

When I was a little girl, my parents built the first outdoor swimming pool in the neighborhood. My mother went door-to-door and told each family that they were invited to use the pool whenever they wanted. She gave the pool to anyone; her private domain became public.

One day my sister came home from school, only to be told that she had to move out of her room for an unspecified amount of time. One of my father's employees, an elderly bachelor, was dying of cancer and my mom didn't want him to be alone. So he moved into our home for months while she cared for this man, who was basically a total stranger.

When I was growing up we had an Italian cleaning lady twice a week. When we went on family vacations, we often took her and her two children as well. “When will they ever get to experience anything like this!” my mother would say.

As my father's business grew, my mom's ability to help others grew, too. Just to name a few of her acts of kindness: she met a woman from Australia in a hospital. This woman's leg had been badly mangled in a motorcycle accident. The woman needed many things that her insurance didn't cover. My mother looked after all the costs, plus had the woman over to our house many times and even went to visit her in Australia a few years later.

We had a cottage an hour outside of Toronto which we used on the weekends and in the summer. Once when my mother was driving up the street, she saw a huge fire. She stopped her car and tried to enter the burning house to make sure it was empty. The fireman wouldn't let her enter, but she found the owners of the home and gave them the keys to our cottage where they and their kids lived for a year while their house was rebuilt.

When my brother Laurie, of blessed memory, was in the hospital for brain surgery, all the siblings and my parents slept in the ICU waiting room. A cleaner came to sweep the room in the middle of the night and she lay down on the chairs beside us. Since there were not enough blankets for everyone, my mother got up, took her blanket off and covered up this old woman with her own blanket.

These are just a few of literally thousands of examples of my mother's love of people. She didn't judge; she just looked in peoples eyes and saw goodness. We can all benefit to learn from her shining example of seeing the image of God inherent in every person.

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Visitor Comments: 17

(16)
Naomi,
January 1, 2013 12:45 PM

Nachas

Normally we think of parents having nachas for their children and I'm sure your mother did. But here is a wonderful example of a child having nachas for their parents. What beautiful stories, Shellie. Thank you so much for recounting a tiny smattering of your mother's immeasurable acts of love for others. I can certainly testify to the warmth and care she proferred me - as if I was the only person in the world she needed to give her focus. What a privilege to know her and you and what an inspiration and enormous example both she and you are to us all.

(15)
Phyllis Freedman,
February 13, 2012 12:21 PM

Just beautiful!

(14)
Fran Jakubowicz,
January 23, 2012 9:17 PM

An Incredible and Beautiful Person

Shellie,
Your mom is a shining light - a truly loving, giving and generous person as was your father and brother of blessed memory. , Your mother's acts of kindness were gigantic - simply without borders.

(13)
Elliott Katz,
January 19, 2012 12:23 PM

Thank you for sharing these stories

Dear Shellie --Thank you for sharing these wonderful stories about your mother. When you describe her acts of kindness, I think of your many acts of kindness. You have also made a difference in many people's lives.

shellie,
January 20, 2012 1:19 PM

thanks elliott

Ellikott, that was so nice of you to say - thanks. Hope you and your girls are well - if you are ever in Israel, give us a call. Shellie

(12)
dina coopersmith,
January 17, 2012 3:15 PM

moving article about a great lady

Shellie, thanks for the beautiful recounting of some great stories about your Mom. I know some others even more amazing that you did not include! May you benefit from her merit as well, and may we all take a lesson from her and try and become givers.

(11)
shulamith Baruch,
January 16, 2012 10:42 PM

an insiration to us all

Shellie, thank you for giving us these short stories about your mother's greatness. She is a true inspiration.

(10)
Marilyn Finkelstein,
January 16, 2012 7:15 PM

absolutely 'bang-on' description of a most beautiful soul

I, and my later husband of blessed memory, were privileged to know Helen and Joe Berman. I am positive that she has been put on this earth as a guiding light. She is pure goodness and love and an inspiration for us all.

(9)
Do Lern Hwei,
January 16, 2012 2:08 PM

Wish there are more people like that!

Shellie, hope there will be more in this cold and heartless world. Few weeks ago, a young security officer stationed in CitiBank Vivocity shot himself in the toilet in the shopping mall next to Harbourfront Centre where I was doing my evening work manning the McDonald's desserts counter. I knew it from a guy working in the same building just 2 minutes after. I observed that security officers of that security company often eat alone. Nobody knew the dead officer or what caused him to take his own life. If someone were his friend, this may never happen.

(8)
Silky,
January 16, 2012 4:48 AM

Thank you for sharing.

Your mother sounds like an amazing woman.
I hate Alzheimers.

(7)
Tammy,
January 16, 2012 12:56 AM

Loving Mother

Thanks so much for this article. It truly blesses me. It is the way I long to be. I have been hurt by people alot through out my life and this makes me gun shy to be this way, but it gives me hope that maybe I still can be.

(6)
Dave Court,
January 16, 2012 12:01 AM

Shelly this is wonderful, as one of the persons who spent many a seder with the Bermans and enjoyed the use of both pools and the indoor floor hockey arena. But what scared me was this read to much as an obit. I realize your Mums health situation and wish her long life with as good a health can be. DC
ps I'm still in touch with the much older (76) bro of yours A.B

(5)
Anonymous,
January 15, 2012 7:43 PM

What an Inspiration!

I just wanted to thank you for writing about your beautiful Mother. It is hard to believe that people like her really exist, she is remarkable and a true inspiration. May Hashem bless her, and all your family, and reward her infinitely for all her acts of kindness. Amazing!!

(4)
Ann,
January 15, 2012 5:25 PM

Now that's a Torah Jew!
May there be many more like her in the world.
You are very fortunate to have such a role model.

(3)
Esther,
January 15, 2012 5:21 PM

Appreciating What Have - Wonderful Memories

Shellie, this is a beautiful article about your mom and many of us have been the recipients of her love and generosity. Just know the "apple doesn't fall far from the tree." You honor her philosophy everyday with the way you treat others too. So glad she and you are my friends.

(2)
Sarah,
January 15, 2012 3:50 PM

What a blessing, to have such a mother as a role model! May we all learn from her example!

(1)
Debbie Schwartz,
January 15, 2012 3:48 PM

So, true, so true:) Her heart is bursting with love. And for her kids, undescribable!!! Thanks SO much for sharing.

I've been striving to get more into spirituality. But it seems that every time I make some progress, I find myself slipping right back to where I started. I'm getting discouraged and feel like a failure. Can you help?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Spiritual slumps are a natural part of spiritual growth. There is a cycle that people go through when at times they feel closer to God and at times more distant. In the words of the Kabbalists, it is "two steps forward and one step back." So although you feel you are slipping, know that this is a natural process. The main thing is to look at your overall progress (over months or years) and be able to see how far you've come!

This is actually God's ingenious way of motivating us further. The sages compare this to teaching a baby how to walk. When the parent is holding on, the baby shrieks with delight and is under the illusion that he knows how to walk. Yet suddenly, when the parent lets go, the child panics, wobbles and may even fall.

At such times when we feel spiritually "down," that is often because God is letting go, giving us the great gift of independence. In some ways, these are the times when we can actually grow the most. For if we can move ourselves just a little bit forward, we truly acquire a level of sanctity that is ours forever.

Here is a practical tool to help pull you out of the doldrums. The Sefer HaChinuch speaks about a great principle in spiritual growth: "The external awakens the internal." This means that although we may not experience immediate feelings of closeness to God, eventually, by continuing to conduct ourselves in such a manner, this physical behavior will have an impact on our spiritual selves and will help us succeed. (A similar idea is discussed by psychologists who say: "Smile and you will feel happy.")

That is the power of Torah commandments. Even if we may not feel like giving charity or praying at this particular moment, by having a "mitzvah" obligation to do so, we are in a framework to become inspired. At that point we can infuse that act of charity or prayer with all the meaning and lift it can provide. But if we'd wait until being inspired, we might be waiting a very long time.

May the Almighty bless you with the clarity to see your progress, and may you do so with joy.

In 1940, a boatload 1,600 Jewish immigrants fleeing Hitler's ovens was denied entry into the port of Haifa; the British deported them to the island of Mauritius. At the time, the British had acceded to Arab demands and restricted Jewish immigration into Palestine. The urgent plight of European Jewry generated an "illegal" immigration movement, but the British were vigilant in denying entry. Some ships, such as the Struma, sunk and their hundreds of passengers killed.

If you seize too much, you are left with nothing. If you take less, you may retain it (Rosh Hashanah 4b).

Sometimes our appetites are insatiable; more accurately, we act as though they were insatiable. The Midrash states that a person may never be satisfied. "If he has one hundred, he wants two hundred. If he gets two hundred, he wants four hundred" (Koheles Rabbah 1:34). How often have we seen people whose insatiable desire for material wealth resulted in their losing everything, much like the gambler whose constant urge to win results in total loss.

People's bodies are finite, and their actual needs are limited. The endless pursuit for more wealth than they can use is nothing more than an elusive belief that they can live forever (Psalms 49:10).

The one part of us which is indeed infinite is our neshamah (soul), which, being of Divine origin, can crave and achieve infinity and eternity, and such craving is characteristic of spiritual growth.

How strange that we tend to give the body much more than it can possibly handle, and the neshamah so much less than it needs!