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The Shock of Spreading the Ashes

My Dad's memorial was this weekend in Colorado. It was so sad. While I liked hearing about how much people thought of him, the stories everyone told at the service just made me miss him even more. My family wanted me to sing (despite my protests) and I almost cried throughout the whole song. My mom blew up a 2 foot high picture of my Dad's face and put it in a beautiful frame. I kept looking at it during the service, and was just overwhelmed with a sick feeling of loss so deep it's hard to describe.

That evening at sunset, we went out on a ridge high up on a hill, overlooking the plains and scattered his ashes. I'm wondering if any of you have had to go through this...My sister was holding the bag of ashes before we walked out to the ridge and I looked into the clear plastic bag the ashes were in, and there were what looked like little chips of white sea shells on top of the ashes. I asked my sister what they were and she said they were bone chips. I was almost sick and in complete shock. Everyone has this romanticized view of ashes and that really made it hit home that my dad was in that bag. It was incredulous to me that we would be throwing him from a bag off into the air. I was in such shock. Everyone was reaching into the bag with their bare hands to throw them off and I couldn't do it. My sister saved what was left in the bag so I could just throw the ashes from the bag (without touching them).

Everyone left and I just sat on a log crying for an hour while it rained on me. I was in such shock. Then, the next day on Father's Day we had to go through my Dad's clothes and belongings. It was so hard. Now, I keep having visions of that bag of ashes. I don't know why it traumatized me so much, but it really did. Any advice would be very much appreciated.

(((hugs)))) that happened to me the first time, when i let go of my first husbands ashes...i suddenly had an epiphany right then..i realized that was only his body, it wasnt him. i was 36 at the time, but it was a wake up call to me that the body is just a glove , and when we cross over, the glove is removed. thats how i understand it now, and that helps me. its okay to be a mess. its okay to cry. ((((((hugs))))
marianne joeys mom

Thank you for sharing. I'm not a professional, but it is clear to me that you were absolutely not ready for that whole ritual. Your family should have respected your wish to not sing, and the funeral director should have been more clear with you about what to expect from the (not 'ashes') &quot;cremains.&quot; When we were making arrangements for my mother, the funeral director explained that they were called cremains because there could very well be bone chips visible.

My uncle ended up springing for a spot in the local Mausoleum for her creamains, otherwise we were probably going to split up the cremains among us (I wasn't sure that was what I wanted, but the decision was taken out of my hands). Again I'm not a professional, but you might want to talk to one, because what you described sounds like what I've heard described as Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

You needed to just attend your father's service and not sing, you needed a choice with the cremains, and it seems to me like the decision was taken out of your hands. I hope you decide to seek professional help for this, I wish you well.
Kathryn

I'm so sorry you had to sit on the rock all alone. Of course you were traumatized - your memory is of a person - in a body - I can only imagine how you felt. {{{{{{hugs}}}}}} to you. The only thing I know about losing a loved one is that it gets better with time. My prayers are with you.

I miss traveling with my husband. Has anyone found a specific site regarding cruising for widow/widowers or any sightseeing trips. Not interested in being with couples and kids,,,I realize a cruise ship will have a portion size of families and couples, but perhaps they also put together a part of the cruise ship for groups of widows/widowers????

A friend sent this to me..As far as I can see, grief will never truly end.It may become softer overtime, more gentleand some days will feel sharp.But grief will last as long as Love does - ForeverIt's simply the way the absence of your loved onemanifests in your heart. A deep longing accompaniedby the deepest Love some days. The heavy fog mayreturn and the next day, it may recede.Once again, it's...

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