Expressing pain through sarcasm since 2010. Welcome to the official site for bitter cripples (and those who love them). Smart Ass Cripple has been voted World's Biggest Smart Ass by J.D. Power and Associates.

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

I hate when people say
I have a disease. To me the diseased are people who have stuff like bubonic
plague. That ain’t me. Please don’t get me wrong. I’ve got nothing against
people who have bubonic plague (so don't leave me indignant comments). I’m sure the vast majority of them are fine, hard-working,
loyal, patriotic citizens. Like all the rest of us, they raise families, pay
taxes and perform community service, when they’re not coughing up blood. But
that ain’t me. If I had bubonic plague, I wouldn’t be ashamed to acknowledge
it. But I don’t.

Condition. I don’t
like when people say I have a condition either. Condition. That word’s too
heavy.If you have a condition it sounds like you are or should be hospitalized.
“His condition is listed as serious.” My condition would have to be listed as
absurd.

Syndrome? That word
confuses me. I don’t know when a disease or condition becomes a syndrome.
Cripples started having syndromes just within the last few decades or so.
Remember the Mongoloids? They didn’t get cured. They’re all still here. But now
they have Down Syndrome.

Quirk? Nobody has ever
asked me what my quirk is. But I guess that word applies to me more than
disease does. I’m crippled because of what could be called a genetic quirk. And a
genetic quirk is way different from a disease, dammit! Nobody says, “Hey look at
those two over there. They’ve got conjoined twins disease. “

Abnormality? Malady? Defect?
Defecit?

Diagnosis?

Disorder? That’s the
word I like. Disorder. Some cripples hate that word but not me. I think it best
expresses what cripples are all about. Cripples are disorderly. We’re a great
big monkey wrench. We gum up the works. We fuck up the grand plans. Just when rational humans think they’ve finally got everything all figured out and everybody
all neatly groomed and shaped and ordered and categorized, here come those surrealistic cripples to blow it all to hell.

Being crippled makes
you subversive, whether you like it or not. You don’t fit. The more crippled you are the more disorderly you are. Your perpetually discombobulated existence discombobulates the intricate combobulation.

And that’s what I love most about being
crippled.

Someday I’ll probably
be arrested, just for being crippled. I’ll be charged with disorderly conduct
or disturbing the peace.Or maybe with possession of a disease

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"Those who are solemn and pontifical are not to be successfully fought by being even more solemn and even more pontifical."
Bertrand Russell

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