Friday, January 14, 2011

Apathy and the loss of time.

As this post will try and chronicle, I've sort of been in a rut. Mainly blogging, creativity, personal issues, money, prospects and other things.

I seem to have lost track of time and the length of everything in this rut. It may be the currently f'd up sleep patern of mine talking but I really am hazzy about where days and weeks have gone.

Some were regularly paced, more events, memories etc but when days bleed into one another it all sort of becomes a blur.

Apart from work at the weekends I've done almost nothing over the past few months. Friendships have slipped away, missed oportunities, new friendships not what I want them to be or could be, money wasted, bad decisions, choices squandered. For the most part I have given up and let this state of apathy and haze self perpetuate itself.

I guess I started to slip when I stopped going to therapy at the start of Autumn while my counselor was away on holiday. Now I made some social inroads and Hung around with friends when college started back for them, but I had work and distance and quickly I listened to those excuses.

Then when my parentals were away one of a couple of small holidays during this time I got into an even lazier weekly routine. I also used the slim excuse of a screw up with a girl I bonded with as yet another stupid thing to avoid or keep me away from Dublin, my friends or even my own thoughts.

The weeks rollef on and on and eventually even new friendships at wotk weren't turning out the way I would have hoped. Although truthfully i was putting no affitional effort into anything in my life, but a pretty weak Halloween left me with more hang UPS and things to avoid thinking about.

I saw that i wasn't exactly one of the guys, while at the same time seemingly over-compensating for how out of place I felt. I won't go into detail, but I switched from letchery to morality by the end of the night and I doubted that neither myself or my new friends really knew who I was that night.

Sort of a crux of my whole doldrums. Not knowing who I am, or what I want to become.

I have a place reserved for college in Galway next academic year, but I don't have the money. Nor the job or enough skills to get anything paying enough with what time i have left.

Nor do i have a sense of self, or self esteem.

It all takes baby steps, but I have so heavily scuttled my own personal growth in recent months that i really am in a haze.

I sometimes forget my tablets for my skin condition.

I spend whst hours I get on the computer flooding my mind with the pop-culture drivel and regurgitated pulp of senseless distraction that is Tumblr. A micro-blogging platform that is a crack-cocaine rainbow of frivolity and wasted modern youthful endeavor and bandwidth. To say I'm addicted is an understatement.

The constant distraction of images, sound and mildly literate word keeps my mind off dealing with life itself. It is the Hauxillian Brave New World of the internet, and it has sucked me in.

It's so easy to do Fuck all selfishly than it is to act self-fullfillingly.

Baby steps.

In the standard view of reality and human behavior I don't really have an addiction or a problem but I do. It is behaviorly ingrained idleness. It is an unwillingness to engage with reality or to seek advancement and resolution of emotional states.

I am the unemployed directionless slob. I am squandered potential in a neurological, psychological, physical, spiritual and philosophical mountain of societies and humanities short comings.

By having it easy, by having basic needs met I have become a leech of resources and not a contributor.

What I want to do with my squandered potential is still tenuous and theoretical.

I want to write and create most of all.

I see teaching or leadership as a means to making a difference.

But i also feel that if i can whet the ebs and flows of my imagination I could be free to give back to the world.

I see charity, politics, or teaching as part in parcel with creating and sharing the worlds and realities in my imagination with everyone i possibly can. From family and friends, to compatriots, neighbours, and descendants.

I want to make a mark and a difference.

And what to experience a lit in doing so.

So far i've experience the misdirected, abused and nonuniversal guidance of education. The mind numbing monotony of chores and loneliness. But not humanity, or all life may have to offer.

Someone get me off my self aware high horse and give me that kick towards the series of steps i need to take to get there....