~ Musings of a gay ex-Mormon father

Tag Archives: Mormon

Are you a straight ex-Mormon with a spouse or ex-spouse who still wants to baptize your kids?

Do you want to prevent it without looking like an asshole?

Well, now you can with my Insta-Gay service. I’ll be your gay boyfriend for a day!

You can choose from either of two plans:

Bed n Brunch or Airport Speed Date

With Bed n Brunch you’ll get the real thing and it’s your most authentic option.

We’ll start off with a long walk on the beach where we can get to know one another better. We’ll take off our shoes, giggle and splash each other in the shallow water only to come together in a passionate embrace and a long, deep kiss while the waves crash about us.

My real boyfriend, Ricky, will follow at a distance with a camera to capture the evidence. From there we’ll walk hand in hand to our beach side hotel room where I’ll do my best to make you question whether this is real for you or not.

I’m versatile so anything can happen. It’s up to you. We’ll wake up in the morning spooning (I’m the inside spoon). You’ll laugh because your downward arm will have fallen asleep. At which point we’ll finally get up and shower together. It will be bittersweet because this will be our first and last shower together.

Then, it’s on to brunch! We’ll sip mimosas and gaze knowingly into each other’s eyes.

Ricky will download all the evidence of our “relationship” and have it ready on a nice flash drive for you by the time our check arrives. We’ll part ways but keep each other as contacts in our phones. You know, *wink, wink* so you can text me pictures of your non-Mormon kids as they grow up without Primary and Mutual all thanks to me.

Airport Speed Date is for you out of towners who can’t spend a full weekend with me… or for those of you who just really are straight.

You’ll fly into town with just an hour layover at my local airport. So as to not creep you out too much, Ricky will stay at home. I’ll greet you at the gate with a firm handshake and we’ll go get a root beer together at the airport pub. Our waitress will take a picture with your phone of us kissing, toasting our “love.” Just once. Quick. No tongue. I promise.

I’ll bring baby wipes and mouthwash for you.

Afterwards, you’ll hop on the plane back home to your family and your straight, butch life. You can share that picture just with your bishop to get the mandatory exemption for your family.

All I want to do is serve my fellow man.

There’s a lawyer in the Ex-Mormon community that offers to process resignations from the Church for free.

What awesome selfless service!

I find it inspiring.

So, to do my part…I give you Insta-Gay. We’ll make it so convincing that the church won’t LET THEM be baptized!

Please send applications directly to me and include a face pic. Unlike the Mormon church, no request will be rejected here. Just be freshly showered and hygienic.

Feel free to share with your friends! I’m sure my calendar will be filling up fast. My time is limited, so act now!

I’ve been fascinated by the recent openness of Leah Remini on her break from the Church of Scientology. Her story sounds eerily familiar, especially when she talks about how her former church talks about and treats apostates, the weirdness and secrecy at the higher level of membership, and the absolute intolerance of criticism.

So, to help Mormons out, here’s my unsolicited advice I wrote several years ago to all those Mormon leaders out there who will never read this or deign to listen as to how they could actually change to appear less culty in the public’s eyes….from the outside looking back in:

Incorporate community service as a regular part of your worship rather than as publicity stunt. Make this service significant to those who are not of your faith rather than almost exclusively those within it.

Growing up we did a lot of “service projects” in the youth group. I’ve helped a bajillion families move as an Elder’s Quorum member. As ward Relief Society president my Mom was constantly arranging for meals for a sick ward member’s family. But all this was almost exclusively to the benefit of other Mormons. Mormons are really good at taking care of each other, but are timid about real meaningful outward facing service. Other mainstream religions are much better at it.

Of course in a natural disaster, Mormons will show up and wear T-shirts advertising their efforts, but as a percentage of their expenditures of time and money, this sort of thing as a tiny drop in the bucket.

On my mission, service took zero percent of our time. I understand they encourage service for missionaries now, but it would actually make a mission more meaningful and less cult-like for THAT to be the purpose of a mission rather than proselytizing. A mission even as it now operates only serves the Mormon institution, not humanity. Cults put enormous efforts into recruiting. Getting converts makes you no more or less right.

Mormons serving in a cannery. These ladies were most likely ASSIGNED to do this.

2. Actually put families first, any family.

You can’t get any more cult appearing than telling a non-Mormon parent that she/he can’t attend a son or daughter’s wedding. Period. No further explanation needed other than to recite one of the 10 Commandments – “Thou Shalt Honor Thy Father and Mother” – and note that the LDS Church encourages its members to dismiss it when they treat mothers and fathers in this way.

Putting rites and ordinances above family relationships encourages the same sort of disrespect towards non-member family. There’s no reason any father or mother couldn’t bless his or her own newborn together with an Elder…or participate in a baptism. That would bind the family together. Instead, in Mormonism it’s now much more important to bind the individual to the church and create an atmosphere of disappointment towards non-believing family members.

Also, It’s one thing to encourage your own values and morals among the families of your followers. It’s another thing to prefer a child in the larger community have unmarried parents or no parents rather than 2 married parents who aren’t following your special colloquial brand of morality. There are plenty of churches who believe in gay marriage, for example. How does your opposition in the public realm “let them worship how where and what they may”?

3. Take the whole “Follow the Prophet” rhetoric down a notch.

You can CLAIM to worship only Jesus, and it has been good to see your efforts to actually walk the walk by removing non-biblical art from your chapels, revamping the official logo and such, but there’s a LONG way to go. Even a non-Christian visiting your services doesn’t see a whole lot of Christianity. Your members’ homes have YOUR pictures right up there with Jesus for crying out loud. In practice, they obey your word above Jesus Christ’s. They talk about you like you ARE Jesus and you do nothing to discourage that.

4. Initiate checks and balances into your organization to account for the humanity of the human beings running it. In mainstream religions this looks like: Public financial reports, allowing public dissent without fear of excommunication, voting on policy by the membership.

As the saying goes, “Catholic doctrine states that the Pope is infallible but Catholics don’t really believe it. Mormon doctrine states that their Prophet is fallible, but Mormons don’t really believe it.”

In the Bible and Book of Mormon, prophets made mistakes and were often corrected by the laity. In today’s church however the prevailing opinion is that prophets can miraculously do no wrong. That is until they are dead. Then, Mormons become even better than apostates at disregarding a prophet’s teachings.

Fiscal transparency is probably the biggest hurdle Mormonism needs to overcome in the quest to shed all things cultish.

5. Seriously, you need to cut the “sacred, not secret” bit.

Nobody buys it. And don’t you find it ironic that former prophets couldn’t keep their mouth shut about a LOT of weird shit they supposedly experienced? Joseph Smith, Paul, Moses and Brigham Young all had diarrhea of the mouth. But I’m supposed to buy that Thomas Monson and company have experienced something so far out there that they can’t talk about it? Come on….

Their specific callings are to be “Special Witnesses”. That alone pretty much demolishes any claim that you can’t talk about something because it’s “too sacred.”

Even with the average member, it’s ironic that they only need to keep quiet about the weird stuff.

If you were Christians, you’d see the atonement as the most sacred event to ever take place… so why are you SUPPOSED to share that with people?

An all male priesthood is neither scriptural or respectful towards women. Likewise, motherhood is a natural impulse and most of your young female members will want it regardless. By your confining that role to a one-size-fits all image of womanhood you are actually disrespecting my daughters’ individuality. Put your energy into helping her be a good woman with integrity and the motherhood thing will fall into place quite naturally. When you focus her sights solely on that, however, you diminish her potential as a contributing member of humanity. A dog can be a mom. A woman could likewise be an awesome Mom and a CEO of her company, or bishop of her local ward.

7. Scrap the dress code regulations…

Think about it….cult members dress alike, people in a mainstream religion don’t.

These sorts of things take care of themselves. People naturally want to dress alike. If today you said, “Forget everything we’ve ever said about grooming and dress” nothing would really change. Gradually some individuality would creep in to the grooming of your members, but you know what? If it does, then reality will actually begin to match what you yourselves are trying to portray in those “I am a Mormon” commercials.

The second problem with these silly dress and style regulations is that they always inevitably become outdated. You shoot yourselves in the foot when you encourage the white shirt, one earring, dresses not pants, etc… Even the required missionary attire looks silly in today’s world. It also belies the confidence your own founder had in the the membership to be able to govern themselves after being taught “correct principles.”

8. Be more cross-cultural and adaptable internationally.

The structure and content of a Mormon worship service looks and feels late 19th/early 20th century North American no matter where you go in the world. This is great for traveling Americans and Canadians (especially for you Mormon leaders) because we feel right at home in Brazil, Japan, Nigeria or the Philippines. But what ends up happening is that it really only attracts the citizens of those countries who are interested in all things American. To everyone else, the Mormons just seem like a North American cult transplanted to their homeland.

There’s nothing universal about the organ or piano music, white shirts and ties, or LDS artwork. If the dress, the music, the behavior of the congregation and even the architecture of LDS building reflected local customs you would look and feel less like “American Moonies” and more like a relevant world religion.

This congregation is in Africa but it could just as well be in Detroit or Atlanta.

9. Allow and encourage individual freedom among the rank and file.

Now, I know you’re not going to get this one without a lot on pondering. A regular Mormon won’t get this. Real mainstream Christian religions allow significantly more individual adaptation than Mormonism does.

A Catholic can attend mass anywhere he/she feels comfortable. Mormons have to attend their assigned geographic ward like a elementary school child is told where to go to school.

A Methodist can actually volunteer in church where and when they are personally interested and motivated . Mormons are assigned jobs and callings without the opportunity to volunteer and with no consideration of their own desires. What you end up with are scout leaders who would rather be ward clerks and ward clerks who would rather be scout leaders. All of them with a silent frustration and resentment that their free time and talents are being strong-armed by church leaders.

It looks very master-planned, socialist, and cult-like from the outside.

It would be cool if Mormons teachers had actually volunteered for the job. She was probably assigned and it’s hit or miss whether she really wants to do it or not.

10. Institute paid, professional clergy

Mormons already pay their clergy. You, the General Authorities are paid and yet the rank and file still imagine you are not. It’s therefore not doctrinal to keep this established image of a lay clergy. A paid clergy is solidly within the bounds of Mormon history and doctrine… and Christianity. Joseph Smith, Brigham Young, apostles, Patriarchs, Bishops and Stake Presidents all have received significant compensation for their callings in the past.

Somehow over the life of the LDS faith, the church has managed to establish this myth of a lay clergy to the point that it is really only true for those at the lowest points of the hierarchy. You end up with the folks doing the real ground-work being overworked but uncompensated… a very big, flashing red flag for a cult… underpaid and overworked followers.

A significant side effect of this institutional behavior is an unqualified clergy. If you pay people a living salary to perform your most significant work, education and training follow naturally. Imagine a Mormon teenager approaching her bishop for counseling and actually getting a trained professional rather than an amateur, unprepared, but well-meaning neighbor!

A professional clergy could only improve or enhance what have become drab and corporate-like Mormon meetings. Everyone wins…and together with suggestion #9 you would be creating a free market for the best clergy and more engaged membership.

No reason she couldn’t be a paid Mormon bishop… try calling it a cult THEN!

I thought this would be an appropriate re-blog from August 2012….Happy Father’s Day!

Setting aside all the obvious sexual compatibility reasons, there’s something about being the man in a hetero-normative relationship that just didn’t settle comfortably on me.

The default assumption is that a straight man is a messy thoughtless and fumbling creature without the guidance and care of a good woman by his side.

Even as a father, taking an interest in the nurturing and care of children is seen as a part-time task for a normal straight man. When I’d stay home to care for the kids it was referred to as “babysitting.”

Actually being an engaged father and enthusiastic caretaker of our home made me the odd man out in the straight world I was pretending to inhabit. But it was more than just the nuances of my expected fatherly and husbandly roles that sat awkwardly with me, it was also the nature of the expected relationship with my wife.

Husband X

When my wife is having insomnia and she is tired but really wants to go to sleep, I kid you not, she will ask me to talk to her about something that is interesting to me lately. Within 5 minutes she’s out. Its so funny to me.

Husband Y

My wife has described this phenomenon as a “Brandt Rant.” Then, when I start running out of steam and ask her a question, all I hear is “zzzzzzzzzzzz”

I think most people would read that and smile, thinking “how cute,” right? I read it and think what assholes their wives are (I apologize ahead of time to these 2 men and their wives. I’m sure they are all kind, loving people. At least I changed the names *smile*).

Just to understand my perspective a bit, let’s switch the roles around. Let’s say it’s Husband X that has insomnia and therefore he’s the one that says to his wife,

“Honey I’m having trouble sleeping. Tell me about something that interests you so that I can sleep.”

It’s not so funny that time is it? What woman wants to be married to that? I personally can’t understand why any man wants it either.

When he says it, he is a douche bag.

When she says it, she is a comedienne.

Men posing as women. Sometimes role reversal and equality just don’t work.

I used to think this was a Mormon phenomenon because I’d hear stuff like this all the time in Elder’s Quorum and around the campfire at father-son campouts. But you can find that same sort of, “Aw shucks! I’m a fool and my wife saves me” male all over in TV sitcoms.

Here’s another quote I found…

My wife simultaneously enjoyed the fruits of my non-traditional nature while she also held the same stereotypical expectations of me. I’m not joking about this next one… once when I was choosing a new vehicle for me to get to and from work she became incensed that I didn’t actually want a pickup truck…like any man in her family or in our neighborhood would (yeah, we’re talking borderline redneckville here). In the Mormon world having a pickup truck is a big broadcast message saying, “I’ll help you move!” If you’re in Elders Quorum you’ll already be assigned to do that plenty with a just a sedan. There’s no need to invite it! Getting an economical Honda Civic that merely got me to work and back somehow made me less of a man.

There’s some sort of gene that a male is supposed to possess that encourages him to broadcasts his manliness to the world via cars, trucks and a bumbling nature around his wife that merely escaped me. Someone should search for THAT. It just may be the gay gene.

Male comic characters in female comic character poses.

The odd difference between being a man/woman or father/mother is nowhere more evident than in the contrast between Mothers and Fathers Day in the Mormon Church.

For Mothers Day, there are talks about the divinity of womanhood. Women are to be honored just because they have a vagina and even more so if there’s been some outgoing traffic in there. LDS wards pass out flowers or candy to all of the women. At the end of Sacrament Meeting they ask all the women to stand and the youth or Elder’s Quorum distributes the goodies…and in wards that I lived in they made certain that even childless women got one. They made it a celebration of womanhood, not just motherhood.

If, and that’s a big “IF”, Fathers Day is mentioned at all, it’s a lesson on how men need to be better fathers, honor their priesthood more, etc… Their penises apparently aren’t sufficient apparatuses for praise all by themselves.

That happens the other 364 days of the year.

Everyone knows men have all the power in Mormonism. So they try to downplay manhood and highlight womanhood so no one will take a good long look at the reality. Women are told how wonderful they are so they won’t notice that they are actually disregarded and have second-rate status in the church. Every other day of the year is a celebration of manhood in Mormonism.

As a man, though, and a pretty good father if I do say so myself, I find the attitude condescending. Often in priesthood meeting they’ll say something insulting to the young men like, “Well, you’re certainly not as good-looking as the young women, but hey you’re priesthood holders so there’s your worth.” Or the MTC Mission President who says, “Elders, look at these sisters. They’ll get done in 18 months what will take you 2 years.” I couldn’t stand that as a young boy and it never sat well with me as an adult either.

Even while gay pretending to be straight I was still a man and therefore had more power and authority in the LDS Church than ANY woman in it, yet I still didn’t like being talked down to like that.

Is the subtext that straight men hold all the power in our society the sole reason that it’s funny to demean them in a way that would be unacceptable for any woman? Is that why as a gay man I don’t buy it and never did? Because I don’t actually enjoy the fruits of heterosexual male privilege that I would if I were straight?

One of the things I really like about gay relationships is the lack of stereotypical expectations. Both partners can actually be intelligent and capable without the other being threatened. There’s not an inherent acceptance of one partner being demeaned. From what I’ve experienced and observed there’s more of an expectation of equality and more freedom to define the relationship outside societal norms…since by it’s mere existence it already is.

Ideas for Family Home Evening

This joke would be perfectly fine if it said, “A Husband”

Watch a good old family sitcom together. As a fun exercise, try switching genders and repeating the joke. Would it still be funny?

What did you do for your mother last Mother’s Day? What did you do for your Father? Were they equal in effort and care? Why or why not?

Ignoring gender, would you want to be partnered with YOU?

What would you change about your current gender roles or relationship expectations if you could?

The most recent buzz among post Mormons is a recording of an apologetic “rescue” meeting in Boise Idaho.

It harkens back to the “Swedish Rescue” event of 2010 when Elder Marlin K. Jensen (LDS Church Historian) and Richard E. Turley, Jr. (Assistant Church Historian) attempted to stop the hemoraging of LDS members who were exiting the church after discovering its difficult past. Apostasy within the LDS Church seemed to impact Sweden heavily in 2010, including several high-ranking LDS leaders such as former seventy Hans H. Mattsson. In 2013 John Dehlin interviewed Hans Mattson on his Mormon Stories podcast.

Back to Boise.

This time the locals got an apostle, Dallin H Oaks. He was joined by Richard E. Turley, Jr. who also presented at the Swedish meeting.

Both are lawyers by profession, not academic theologians or even historians. If you choose to listen to it you’ll find the whole things comes down to a couple of questions:

“Who’s on the Lord’s side?” (Answer: THEY ARE!)

“How you feel about current leadership?” (Not, how do you feel about Jesus or God, but how do you feel about some some guys named Tommy, Henry, Dallin, Boyd and Neil)

“You can follow false prophets or you can follow true prophets.” (Oaks and his buddies are, of course, the true ones … because they said so.)

Two lawyers gave it their best shot… and I’m still left with reasonable doubt.

Several thoughts come to mind immediately regarding this meeting … by their definitions of apostasy and authority, Alma the Younger, Abinidi, Samuel the Lamanite, Paul & Jesus Christ would have been apostates rather than prophets. They basically claim that those who are in authority are at any given time are right. Except that’s not how Christian or even Mormon history has actually played out. Sometimes those in authority were wrong and it took a renegade to point it out.

Their perspective also only works if you are already Mormon. If I were Catholic and listened to their arguments, I would conclude that I should stay faithful to the Pope and not listen to every missionary that knocks on my door.

Hypocrisy much?

In fact all LDS arguments to the non LDS public sounds like this:

“Each religion should be free to propagate itself among present and future generations, so long as it does not use coercive or fraudulent means. Its practices should not interfere with the peace of society. Each religion has a right to present its message in an orderly way to all who are interested. How can we have freedom of religion if we are not free to compare honestly, to choose wisely, and to worship according to the dictates of our own conscience? While searching for the truth, we must be free to change our mind—even to change our religion—in response to new information and inspiration. Freedom to change one’s religion has been emphasized in the Universal Declaration of Human Rights and the European Convention for the Protection of Human Rights and Fundamental Freedoms. One’s religion is not imposed by others. It is not predetermined. It is a very personal and sacred choice, nestled at the very core of human dignity.” (Freedom to Do and to Be, Russell M. Nelson, International Scientific and Practical Conference “Religious Freedom: Transition and Globalization”, Kiev, Ukraine, Thursday, 27 May 2004)http://www.lds.org/newsroom/voice/display/0,18255,5004-1-121,00.html

But inside, to its own members the song plays out differently. It’s more like, “You’re already here. The time for comparing, and honest inquiry is over.”

And the final question I just can’t seem to get a faithful LDS answer to… Oaks claims that the Lord has clearly instructed him and his colleagues not to speak publicly of spiritual manifestation even though they are “special witnesses.”

When? Where? And how did the Lord ever say this?

He twists the “Pearl before Swine” parable to mean something else entirely (it clearly does NOT say to never speak of special experiences, but to just be careful to whom).

This leaves me baffled as to why a “witness” refuses to witness…unless of course there’s no THERE there.

What’s the most sacred event to ever occur in LDS or even Christian theology? I’d venture to say “The Atonement.” And yet THAT we’re supposed to shout from the rooftops! I can’t think of any scriptural instance when sacred = keep your mouth shut. The only reasonable explanation for them not witness of experiences more special than mine is that they’re non-existent….or embarrassing.

One thing is for sure, this meeting was not intending to help doubting members stay. In the Swedish meeting, for example, the doubting members were strongly advised to leave or to stay and shut up. This Boise meeting was held to calm the nerves of the general membership who really don’t think too much in the first place. These sheep are the only ones who will swallow the half-answers and admonitions to just follow the present leadership. You see they’re already pre-disposed supposed to believe that LDS fruit is any better than non-LDS fruit. But to someone who questions… they’ll question that claim too.

Two lawyers met in the Boise woods and if I were you I’d follow the path least traveled… out the door.

I’m really not a somber, nit-picky person as I may come across in my blog because my posts are so serious all the time. I’m actually someone who smiles a lot by default. I’m the type of person who tends to laugh when other people are laughing even if I didn’t hear the original joke. I love a good joke, a good laugh, a good stand-up comedy routine and a raucous, silly movie.

My favorite people have really good laughs. My 11 year old daughter laughing is pure gold.

I can even laugh at myself. I can laugh at myself when I haven’t initiated the joke. My kids are fond of saying “Remember when Dad ________?!” The blank refers to some incident when my poor parenting either caused one of them to cry profusely, or when I almost caused them to loose a functioning body part. Worse yet, the blank space could refer to a time when all of us almost died at my hands. I think if you’re a parent you can appreciate how NOT funny that really is…and yet hilarious to your 11 and 13 year old.

I know in all fairness I can’t say that without providing an example so here goes…

“Remember when Dad blew up the chili?!”

I take my kids camping every year around Father’s Day. It’s a lot of work to do by yourself and yet completely fun and totally worth it. So one time we were all around the campfire and one of the kids asked for some more food. I’d already put all the dinner stuff away and so I got a can of chili and put it on a grill over the fire to warm it up. It exploded with all of us not 4 feet from the fire pit. Everyone screamed. Two of my girls ran screaming behind the tent. As I ran to make sure they were OK, one of them started crying “I’m bleeding! I’m bleeding!” Turns out it was just chili but in the dark it really did look like blood.

The story just became less funny after I found this picture of a kid who did what I did with less fortunate results!!! Actually, I take that back. He considered it fortunate because it burned off all his freckles. Kids…

I was amazed that my 6 year old ran so well and so quickly in the dark, but in the daytime couldn’t walk 10 feet without falling down and getting scraped.

Nobody got hurt. Most of the chili, and all of the chili can pieces somehow missed us. I’d just come out of the losing end of a nasty custody battle with my ex and I was sure this incident was going to cause me to lose them completely. Turns out it’s one of their favorite memories.

It’s powerful to laugh or be laughed at

I know people who won’t dance or sing or whatever as adults because they were once laughed at as a kid. That’s sad. Personally I’d be a bedridden zombie if I took that approach.

I watched a TV special once that documented how humor in the former Eastern Bloc countries increased over time and actually paralleled the rise of freedom. The unanswered question was, “Did the increase in humor impact the ability of people to fight for freedom, or was humor a consequence of having more freedom?”

I’m not sure, but I suspect humor is merely symptomatic of a groundswell in thinking. When you begin to think, you see contradictions, paradoxes and hidden truths that nobody wants to admit. It’s funny to point things out that everyone is thinking but that most people are too afraid to admit.

In the tightly controlled culture of Mormonism I think humor is increasing these days. Oh yes, Mormons are still a tightly wound bunch, but back in the 70’s you would never have had Mormon movie comedies that actually poked fun at the culture, or books like the web site Latter-day Lampoon (I’m not posting a link because I read that the creator doesn’t want ex-Mormons linking to his site, so here’s a link to the article), or the Men on a Mission calendar, or Elna Baker’s book The New York Regional Mormon Singles Halloween Dance. There’s even a Palestinian Mormon comedian you can watch out there!

Are Mormons the only religion to have an official doctrine against a certain kind of laughter? It’s weird how a Google image search for “communists laughing” yielded more usable results than “Mormons laughing.” I did laugh a lot as a Mormon. I think that the “loud laughter” thing is something most of us just ignored because when we were laughing we knew deep down it was a good thing and that God was smiling too.

Does every missionary have this picture? I have one from my MTC District too.

Some of my biggest giggling attacks have happened in religious settings

I served a mission to Brazil and later lived in Japan teaching English for a year. The Japanese word “koko” meaning “here” when spoken sounds like the Portuguese word for “shit”. I can’t count the number of times a Brazilian friend and I sat in a Japanese chapel stifling giggles over that one. “We’d like to thank you all for coming here” or “I know here is the right place to be”… I’ve long since forgotten any Japanese but there’s also something in the Sacrament Prayer that elicited snickers from us “gaijin” every single week.

I’ve never been able to make it through the middle chapters of Alma in the Book of Mormon without a giggling attack. I mean come on, is there anyone who can read these verses and NOT laugh? My Mom’s favorite euphemism for “butt” or “ass” was “rear” so maybe it’s funnier to me:

Alma 56:23 For we knew in those cities they were not sufficiently strong to meet them; therefore we were desirous, if they should pass by us, to fall upon them in their rear, and thus bring them up in the rear at the same time they were met in the front. We supposed that we could overpower them; but behold, we were disappointed in this our desire.Alma 52:29 Now the Lamanites did not know that Moroni had been in their rear with his army; and all they feared was Lehi and his men.

36 And Lehi pressed upon their rear with such fury with his strong men, that the Lamanites in the rear delivered up their weapons of war; and the remainder of them, being much confused, knew not whither to go or to strike.

There’s nothing like finishing out the year on a post-repentance high! Time to confess my sins. My skill and proclivity for lying are my focus today. I’m sorry, Bishop, that I’m a lair. The gravest of my lies were told back when I was a true believer and follower and for that I am truly sorrowful.

Lying is a tricky thing. Is it a lie if you really believe it?

Most of my actions as a believer were sincere and I grant that the same is true for most believers. I believed when I said these things. But in confessing now, I am admitting that deep, deep down some part of me knew that I wasn’t being totally upfront. Something felt off even if I couldn’t articulate it at the time. I was following a pattern and a procedure handed to me by people I trusted. It’s only in looking back now that I can see that these were indeed untruths.

Here are some of the greatest lies I’ve told:

1. Saying, “I know XXX is true”

To be able to convince myself that saying this about any faith-based topic was honest I had to buy into the concept that feelings are an indicator of the truth. It’s an odd juxtaposition because I was told in so many other ways to distrust my feelings while at the same time being cajoled into basing some very important lifelong decisions on feelings. What I ended up with is merely believing what someone else told me about my feelings. Still, the word “know” as it’s used in Mormonism is the most dishonest thing ever said.

2. Claiming, “I’ve searched and studied other religions”

Of course I didn’t. What I usually meant was, “My parents or seminary teacher told me about other religious beliefs and why they’re wrong. My friends in other religion don’t seem as righteous or as happy as I am. Therefore, I’ve stood still, looked around and determined that what everyone else has told me is correct.” That was my research and study.

3. Agreeing, “Wickedness never was happiness”

This was commonly recited to convince myself that my current bland existence would reap greater rewards at some other time. “Wickedness” is anything Mormonism forbids, but it’s an entirely insular and narrow definition. It’s not based upon a large all-encompassing moral code that can be used as guidance in any situation.

Therefore, I ended up being an extremely “righteous” Mormon who was miserable but utterly convinced that I was happier than my neighbor who may have smoked, drank coffee or, god forbid, lived with his girlfriend.

4. Blindly repeating to myself, “I’m not gay as long as I don’t DO anything gay.”

Let’s face it, I knew it. Abstinence from sexual behaviors did nothing to make me feel less gay inside.

5. Denying to my then-wife right after coming out, “No, I’ve never been attracted to one your relatives or one of your friends’ husbands.”

I was telling the truth about the relatives. But some of her friends had some pretty hot husbands.

6. Parroting, “Tithing, the Word of Wisdom and Chastity are all MY choices. We’re not obligated in the church to do any of that. I’m not just blindly following”

I guess it all depends on how one defines an “obligation.” When Mormons say this, what they really are thinking is that you can be a Mormon and not actually behave like one. That would make you a Jack Mormon or a lazy active Mormon at best. But the truth is that you ARE obligated to do all those things if you want to be a participating Mormon. For example, merely not paying 10% of your income could land you outside looking in on your own daughter’s temple wedding. If that doesn’t make it an obligation, what does?

7. Claiming “I’m not trying to convert you.”

Missionary work clouds everything one does as a Mormon. But I actually said stuff like this as a missionary too. That was a blatant lie.

8. “I love the Book of Mormon. It has changed my life.”

The truth is that most Mormons barely make it past the first few chapters. I actually read a chapter nightly for several years. I now can’t articulate one good thing that came of that. Even back then I couldn’t have articulated what was so amazing and life-changing about it.

9. “We don’t believe in polygamy anymore”

What Mormons are thinking is, “We don’t PRACTICE polygamy anymore.” But that’s not the same thing. I knew it then and they know it now. As much as they’d like to distance themselves from their polygamist past, it’s still in the scriptures and practiced everyday in Mormons temples worldwide.

10 “There’s nothing weird or bizarre about the temple. We just don’t talk about it because it’s sacred.”

Sorry, there’s no way to spin special code names, passwords, handshakes, veiled faces, green aprons, bakers hats, death oaths (pre-1990), and party favor underwear into something reasonable. I thought it was weird the first time I went. I just became desensitized to it. Morphing it into something marvelous and wonderful in your brain is an exercise in self-deception. I used to teach temple preparation classes and so I used this lie a lot.

Like this:

I’ve decided to republish my all time top 5 most visited posts. Here’s #4…

_______________________

Due to the fact that I get a lot of traffic for my masturbation post and page for Mormons, I’ve decided to enhance my commentary offerings to include porn.

You’re welcome.

I’m guessing that the combination of searches for “porn” and “Mormons” will double my daily site visits. I’ll let you know.

Most people today consider porn and masturbation to be mutually inclusive. They’re not.

They each can “occur” without the other. And while I’d assume that their histories are very closely related, I’d guess that porn is a relatively recent phenomenon in human history. Other animals masturbate, but I don’t know that porn exists in the natural world.

Masturbation is a natural behavior and porn is an artificial cross-sell. While I don’t categorically agree with the hysterical cries that all porn is evil, you may be surprised that I don’t see it all as harmless either. I tend to agree with Bill Maher of all people who recently commented on it saying that porn had become a lazy person’s replacement for real intimacy. The truth is that overindulgence in porn does seem to reduce sexual satisfaction. So, it is more of a foolish time-consumer, rather than a morally harmful activity.

Porn should be plan B, not plan A.

The catch is that human behavior dictates that the more you try to control, restrict or prevent a human pleasure the more people will be drawn to it.

Society is obsessed with controlling porn, Mormons especially so.

Bubbling

There’s a whole Mormon web site dedicated to combating porn. For good reason? A 2009 study indicated that Utah spends more on adult online entertainment than any other state. Mormons have even developed a porn substitute called Bubbling.

Is that good or bad?

I’m actually not sure it’s clear if Mormons are inherently more prurient, but I’d wager that it’s the Mormons’ obsession with the issue of porn itself that causes all their people to be drawn to it in the first place. Therefore, the web site, the pamphlets and the talks are just contributing to the activity.

The more shameful and clandestine any society makes a behavior, the more popular it will be. There is honest debate whether attraction to porn has any harmful effects or that anything called “porn addiction” really exists.

I’d venture to say that a “combat porn” web site or a counseling group will never assist a single person to permanently avoid porn. Human beings rarely avoid doing pleasurable things by thinking about NOT doing them. All that sort of approach does is make you think about the target behavior MORE thus creating an unhealthy shame/obsession cycle. For example:

People don’t become healthy by reading/thinking/talking about NOT eating cake or NOT ordering a pizza.

People don’t control their alcohol consumption by reading/thinking/talking about NOT drinking alcohol and NOT entering bars.

People don’t become compassionate by reading/thinking/talking about NOT becoming angry.

Like porn sweets, carbs, alcohol and anger are not evil in and of themselves. They become foolish and destructive behaviors by the time, place and amount in which they are indulged. Not by their mere presence in someone’s life. Teach an individual to focus on the positive sides of the coin such as healthy food, exercise, moderation, social skills and compassion and the so-called negative behaviors will usually take care of themselves.

The occasional candy bar, chips and dip, beer, angry outburst and wank to an xtube video becomes irrelevant when a person’s life and habits are focused on the positive. And just like alcohol or driving a car, porn should be kept from children until they are at a mature age to be able to moderate their behavior.

Porn, like its father and partner masturbation, is best practiced in private, when alone or with fully consenting adults and when no other reasonable opportunity for real intimacy exists. In other words, it’s the exception; it’s the treat that provides no real nourishment or long-lasting rewards, but it feels good at the moment and it’s part of life.

Ideas for Family Home Evening Discussions

Take the hysteria down a notch. If you have been told you are addicted to porn or if you are concerned for a loved one, take an honest self evaluation.

This photo did more for me at 16 than any porn magazine could

What exactly is porn?

Do you view porn only alone or with a willing partner?

Is it just filling in the gaps when there would be no sexual intimacy or is it taking the place of actual sexual intimacy?

Has it become preferable to actual intercourse?

Which happens more? Viewing porn or real intimacy with a partner?

Have you ever lost sleep, work or social opportunities due to your viewing of porn?

If it has become too pervasive in that it negatively impacts intimate relationships, perhaps it is time to consider positive activities for your time and relationship.

Or, on the other hand if you are a loved one or partner whose main concern is that it’s a “sin” or “immoral” perhaps you need to consider how your own obsession with porn is actually contributing to the behavior you view as a negative. The truth is that you can’t push anyone to lose weight, control their own alcohol consumption or limit their own viewing of porn. They have to do it all on their own.

I know for myself that the mere acceptance of interest in porn has greatly reduced my desire to participate in it. It’s counter-intuitive but true. If I’m sick, traveling, tired, have a headache or if I just don’t feel like being intimate I couldn’t care less if my partner masturbates and views porn. Why do you?

On the other hand, if I’m ready and willing and my partner is more interested in the computer and his right hand – that’s a problem.

In fact the majority have survived the drop. From what I can tell, 12 people have gone over the Falls and only 5 have died. Four of those survivors to date have accomplished it without any protection!

Still, I’m pretty confident in saying that you’d have to be a suicidal moron to attempt it. I’d be incredulous at anyone giving advice to swim upriver.

I’m incredulous today.

Unwise Advice

I’ve been sick to my stomach for a full day since I landed on a website that in my opinion is the equivalent of those 7 survivors telling fellow tourists to take the plunge…figuratively.

North Star, “a peer-led, community-driven organization—a grass-roots effort with a mission to empower men and women who experience same-sex attraction, as well as their friends, spouses, or other family members, to more authentically and healthily live the gospel of Jesus Christ.”

More about it later, but the organization’s web site is filled with straight-married gay Mormons, LDS therapists and celebate singles helping others “struggle.”

If you want to know how to survive going over Niagara Falls go here. It’s really cool speculative advice by some guy who thinks he knows what it’s all about. You can even read all about the 7 people who have done it and lived and so I’m sure it’s reliable information. Ready to jump?

Please don’t.

If you want to know how to navigate being a gay Mormon go to North Star. It’s really cool speculative (and contradictory) advice by a bunch of people who think they have it figured out for themselves, so I’m sure it’s reliable information. Ready to jump?

Please don’t.

Why I Care

When I started writing this blog two years ago my intent was purely personal. I was merely attempting to get some things off my chest regarding homosexuality and the LDS Church and deal with them in a productive way so as to not impact my relationship with loved ones, namely my children. That’s still my main motivation, but along the way I’ve also recognized that there are visitors to my blog in my same shoes.

So, writing this blog has become a calling of sorts to provide a voice and contribution to gay ex-Mormon fathers… or maybe even just gay ex-Mormons…or maybe just gay fathers… or maybe just fathers… or just gays… or just ex-Mormons…or maybe even an actual Mormon or two.

Whoever.

I’m not saying I make a big impact, but I do know that I provide a testimonial to others thinking of walking the paths I have walked. And that means something significant to me at least because it’s mine and it’s true.

Don’t Do It

There’s so much I want to say in this post but I’m going to start off just cutting to the chase:

If you are gay, don’t marry someone of the opposite sex. Ever.

Celibacy is no way to live a meaningful life.

If you came here just to get the meat of my message you can leave now.

But if you are a gay Mormon still reading this you most likely already have a laundry list of rationale in your mind why marriage or lifelong celibacy might be a wise choice just since reading my advice two lines above. They’re not wise. EVER.

In their defense, North Star isn’t overtly about getting gay Mormons to marry. To their detriment, saying as much is merely the LDS custom of plausible deniability. But the truth is actually very simple…

North Star is about convincing gay folks they can follow “the gospel of Jesus Christ.”

To achieve “exaltation”, the pinnacle of the current Mormon version of “the gospel of Jesus Christ” one must be opposite-sex married.

The problem is that you know, and I know and the even the well-meaning folks over at North Star know that no amount of mental or spiritual gymnastics is going to make that an attractive or viable option for you.

You already know that. Trust yourself. Don’t take the plunge.

I’ve been there. I know. I know what it’s like to claim all the while that I really am less attracted to men and that I am deeply in love with my “beautiful” wife. I know how to give the impression that “all is well in Zion.” I don’t believe them any more than they believe what I am saying here.

Don’t take the plunge even if there are folks at North Star who have survived it. You’ll get bruised, bleed and collect permanent scars. It’s unhealthy physically, emotionally and spiritually. And that’s just celebacy. If you marry you’ll not only damage yourself that way but you’ll also cause collateral damage on those you love… some beautiful straight girl, your kids and extended family relationships.

You know Who You Are

As a teenager, my Mom used to always call after me on my way out the door, “Remember who you are!” Except that no teenager truly knows who he is. What she really meant to say was, “Remember who I expect you to be!”

That’s what North Star is doing. They and a boatload of old straight men they follow believe they know you. They only know who they expect you to be. That’s neither “authentic” nor “healthy” as they claim to be in their mission statement.

For every testimonial on that web site, I can introduce you to a dozen men who sincerely believed and tried that path. We took the plunge and survived but now we and our families are left with the scars and bruises that come from a lie well-followed.

Full Disclosure

The best rebuttal that a North Star devotee will be able to say about me and my argument is that I’m apostate. It’s true. I do not believe that the LDS Church is what is claims to be. I thank my lucky north star every single day for that fact. I consider myself fortunate. You can read that story by following the links in “Why I left Mormonism” in the menu above. But even if you can’t go there, don’t let my disbelief scare you away from trusting the rest of my story.

But make no mistake, I did once truly truly “know” that the gospel was true. I believed in the Restoration with the full extent of everything that that meant. I served a faithful mission, taught for 2 years in the MTC, graduated from BYU, married in the temple and went on to accept every calling extended to me including in the Elder’s Quorum, Young Men’s and Bishopric. I worthily kept a temple recommend that whole time.

If you’re like me, that rock solid testimony will have to be dismantled before any true homosexual self-acceptance can take place. Still, that isn’t why I investigated the church’s truth claims. Accepting myself as a gay man is just the fortunate bi-product of wanting to know the unpolished truth.

For others, in fact for the majority of men that I’ve met, they seemed to have been able to recognize the truth about themselves and the ramifications of that truth without ever having to re-investigate the LDS truth claims. How ever it needs to happen for you, remember to search, ponder and pray to discover the path that you need to take to reach your authenticity and good health.

North Star Critique

In all honesty I spent several hours in the North Star web site but I did not read every single post about every single topic. I’m a fast reader so in those few hours I read at least a dozen testimonials, blog posts and stories. Here are a few random thoughts, reactions and impressions that led to my post above. In no particular order:

The North Star web site is chock full of Boyd K Packer quotes. Need I say more?

Like all ex-gay snake oil salesmen, the language regarding homosexuality is desperate and homophobic. Let’s be clear. It is the LDS church and these North Star men who are “struggling” with “unwanted” homosexuality, or “same sex attraction.” I haven’t “struggled” or needed “help” with it for years. I’m not “living with” anything like one does with cancer and my daily activities are just a normal life, not a “lifestyle.”

No matter how many effusive adjectives used to describe their wives as “wonderful”, “beautiful”, “amazing” and “understanding” it is still WRONG to marry a straight woman, even if she knows of your homosexuality beforehand and even if she wants it. You don’t invite someone you care about to jump off Niagara Falls WITH you!

Every time I read something about or by one of the “amazing” wives, the thought that went through my mind was, “Thou doth protest too much, methinks.”

Rex Goode on North Star, is the Dan Peterson of “same gender attracted, but faithful Mormon” apologetics. Ten years ago I remember him from earlier versions of “same gender attracted” forums and online groups. Like Peterson, the conclusion always proceeds the hypothesis.

For a support group that is “fully supportive of the prophets” its mere existence isn’t. The LDS Church’s same sex attraction pamphlet God Loveth His Children states clearly, “One of these adverse influences is obsession with or concentration on same-gender thoughts and feelings. It is not helpful to flaunt homosexual tendencies or make them the subject of unnecessary observation or discussion.” Seems to me that North Star is all about observing and discussing their homosexuality and you don’t get any more “flaunting” than doing it on the internet.

What North Star members mean is that they are supportive of the prophets in the “weightier matters” but will make personal decisions about being on the web site and managing their homosexuality however they please. For example, the church no longer advises marriage for gay men but a lot of these men are married.

Beware of the false dichotomies that you see all over ex-gay web sites like this…“It was a choice between beliefs – between hope and despair. Do I continue to believe that God could maybe, someday love me and I can be forgiven? Or do I resign myself to being cast off, and, like King David, appeal that God will not leave my soul in Hell forever?” The truth isn’t all that melodramatic. There’s a lot of room in the middle. Some of these North Star men claimed to have spent time “living the lifestyle”, but in truth what they did was have a young adult Rumspringa when they flew off the deep end and felt horrible, so they crawled back. One can be a good, clean, productive citizen and be gay. That’s not the kind of life they experimented with. Look for the people who challenge the stereotypes. They’re everywhere. By the same token, beware of gay men who claim that all these ex-gay Mormons are self-hating, tortured nuts. I am NOT saying that. Some of them are nuts. Some of them aren’t. I believe they are all incredibly unwise.

“The purpose of life is to learn to be happy. ” REALLY? This epitomizes the small difference between my life then and now. Back then I was struggling to “learn to be happy.” Now I’m just happy.

Straight married homosexuality IS compatible within a Mormon framework just as these men claim… It comes from the common Mormon belief that just about any two faithful people can make a marriage work. A Mormon marriage is a threesome, two people facing God and so they’re right. Just about any two people can face the same direction. But not many in the rest of the world desire that kind of marriage.

One blog poster postulated, “the problem with homosexuality is a lack of heterosexuality.” I wanted to hug him and tell him that there’s nothing missing, that he’s not deficient in any way. Don’t let anyone lead you to believe you are lesser-than.

A general impression? As a father of young kids, the North Star web site reminds me of my kids fighting over the most trivial of issues… and then lying about what really happened. “Dad! Tommy put his arm on my my side of the armrest!” “Did not!” “Did so!” You know what worked? I bought a bigger vehicle and they don’t sit next to each other anymore. Sometimes it’s the environment that’s the problem.

Neither life path is devoid of faith. There’s a lot of self-congratulatory back patting at North Star for being faithful Mormons. It does take a lot of faith to live on the outside in a manner inconsistent with how you really feel on the inside, but it’s also cruel to those you are dragging in with you. It took faith for me to come out, believe me.

That thought above reminds me of a joke:

Q: Do you know what’s even better than winning a gold medal at the Special Olympics?

A: (See bottom of the page)

Steven Frei the North Star President, Media Relations has served in numerous callings over the years, including Scout Master, Gospel Doctrine Teacher, Bishop, and Dad. Is he aware that as a gay man in the LDS Church today that he shouldn’t be allowed to be Scout Master or anything involving the youth?

North Star bottom line: Homosexuality “doesn’t define who you are. There is a difference between ACTION and ATTRACTION.” I hate to burst someone’s bubble but back when I was a married, straight-acting, “worthy” priesthood holder my homosexuality was as much a part of who I was as it is today. In fact I’d claim that the “struggle” against it made it a great monster in my life even when I wasn’t “acting” on anything. The truth is that this sort of thinking nurtures and creates more of an obsession than it prevents.

The joke:

Q: Do you know what’s even better than winning a gold medal at the Special Olympics?

Thank you so much for the invitation to attend the new local Mormon temple open house with you! I know the offer comes from a good place in your heart, but I’ll regretfully have to decline. Here’s why.

Been there. Done that.

You see, unlike you, the temple holds zero curiosity for me. I’ve easily been in more than a dozen of them in my lifetime as a full-fledged participant. In fact, (a rare known fact) I, myself, even acted as an officiant or ordinance worker in a temple for a brief period of time.

In short, I know all about it. Some temples are handsomely appointed and even pretty, but I know exactly what happens inside them and so I’ll have to respectfully decline. I’m more than happy to host a question and answer period afterwards, but I won’t be going on the tour this time.

Perhaps the following analogy will help you understand:

Let’s pretend that when you were born your parents belonged to an exclusive, elite country club. You naturally became a member of this club by virtue of your higher birth.

Growing up, you felt special for being part of this awesome country club. Not everyone around you understood the specialness of this club, but you were convinced that they were just jealous of your membership and of the privileges you enjoyed.

Part of this club membership involved the wearing of special club pants, but only the adults wore them. You weren’t quite sure what made them so special because no one talked about them in specifics, but early on you became convinced that these were some awesome pants!

These pants were spoken of so highly that they became the only pants you’d ever want to wear when you grew up. In fact, when adults talked about wearing these pants, they’d get teary eyed and choked up about how amazing the pants felt inside. Whenever you caught glimpses of someone just about to wear these pants, or after just having taken them off, they’d have a very “special”, secretive look on on their faces. It was something you’d never seen anywhere else. Because of this testimony of others, you just knew that these were the very best pair of pants ever!

The thing is… that getting permission to wear these pants took a lot of concentration and preparation. The country club didn’t let just anyone wear the pants. The experience of wearing them was reserved for those people who kept all the club rules.

And there were a lot of rules!

You had to eat certain food. You had to keep your hands off of certain body parts, both your own and of others. You had to have complete faith in the guy who first designed the pants. You had to have complete confidence in the dude who made the current version of the pants. But most importantly, you were required to pay your country club dues if you hoped to wear the pants one day.

No dues. No pants.

Then, the day came when you were grown up enough that you’d get to wear the pants yourself! You’d eaten all the right food all your life. You only touched the approved parts of your own body. You’d believed in both the past and the current pants manufacturers and you were up to date on all your dues.

Finally! You’d get to wear the pants and experience them on the inside!

So, you joined the adults in a private meeting and finally got to put the pants on, one leg at a time just like all the other adult country club members. You actually experienced the inside of the pants for the first time!!!!

At first, they felt like butter. Smooth. Beautiful. Easy.

You looked around at all the other adults smiling calmly, knowingly and completely confident in the experience they had finally allowed you to join.

And then once the pants were on, the country club leader said,

“You’re about to have the one and only, true pants experience. If you don’t want it, you can take the pants off right now. But if you do indeed want the one true pants experience you’ll need to promise that you’ll never tell anyone about it and never even talk about it among yourselves when you’re not wearing the pants.”

You looked around nervously at your parents, siblings and other loved ones who have done this dozens of times before you. So, clearly you just knew deep in your soul that if they’d had the pants experience and loved it so much, then it could only be good.

You confirmed that you were ready to proceed.

The entire universe seemed to be in approval that not only had you prepared so well to wear the pants but also that you wanted to proceed. You were ready, prepared and able to handle the pants experience, whatever it entailed.

And then the country club leader spoke again and said,

“That is good.

Now, take a big shit in your pants! Right here, right now!”

WHAT?!!!

You looked around and all your loved ones seemed to be… taking shits in their pants!

Wait! This can’t be happening!

But, it was.

Mom, Dad, Aunt LaRue, Uncle Lorn and even Grandma Packard all seemed to be taking a long, robotic, fulfilling shit in their pants. The country club leader even came around to check that everyone had deposited a nice warm dookie in their pants.

You panicked!

But before the shit-checker got around to you, you realized that the decision to proceed had already been made for you, and you were so sure that it would feel good. So, you too… shat in your own pants that day!

During the next 90 minutes you shat in your pants a couple more times, sat in it, rocked back and forth and spread it around to make a nice thick, chunky racing stripe in your underwear. And after you took the pants off that day… and showered… you never really got to talk to anyone about what happened inside those pants because you promised that you wouldn’t. And everyone else who shat in their own pants with you that day just had big huge knowing smiles on their faces. But they never ever talked about it.

Oh, they talked a LOT about the pants! All the time! They gave lessons about them and they sang about them in country club meetings. They showed them off to others who weren’t members of the club, but only without the underwear and without the shit.

Just the beautiful pants.

They encouraged their children to sing about the pants and hope for the day when they would wear them… They sang how beautifully made the pants were, about the original designer and the current manufacturer and how nicely they smelled.

They gave long, flowery speeches about the pants. They lauded anyone who was strong and brave enough to wear the pants.

But no one ever, ever talked about the shit, or the underwear. Ever.

Fast forward several decades to the day when after much searching, pondering and praying you realized that there’s nothing really true or special about this country club. It’s really just like all the other country clubs, but with some weird rules, strange traditions and some bat-shit crazy, shitty pants!

Then, it dawned on you that while wearing the special pants you’ve been shitting on yourself for 20 years and you are embarrassed, ashamed and only slightly amused. So, you vowed to never ever shit on yourself again. You decided not to even look at the pants again because it just caused you to remember the smell and feel of the shit.

That decision to turn your back on the special pants led some of the active pant-shitters in your life to secretly resent you and to openly reject you. After all, they’ve painstakingly prepared and concentrated so hard to be able to shit in their own pants like they do.

And they know that you know.

10 years, much happiness and heartache later a good friend excitedly tells you that your former country club is hosting a display of their new special pants in the neighborhood. Would you like to go and try them on with her?

Of course, you’ve worn the pants before and you know that they are well made and beautiful, but it also irks you that the special pants display won’t be saying anything about the shitting in the pants or the thickly coated racing-striped underwear.

They’ll only be showing the clean version of the pants and talking about how special they are and how experiencing the pants can bring families closer together.

Funny. Because my not wanting to shit in my pants anymore made some of my family of pant-shitters reject and ridicule me. Apparently, not shitting in your pants means you are unclean, weak, angry and selfish.

Would I like to go with you to see the new and shiny pants on display?

Due to there being “opposition in all things,” many of you will find as you exit Mormonism that that there is eternal progression outside the gospel that counter-balances the “celestial progression” you experienced within it. This is to be expected. It should be welcomed and it should be cherished. Here’s a brief overview of what some significant milestones have looked like in my heathen progression:

First time going “Hmmm?” when something about the church didn’t seem right.

First time deciding that my “testimony shelf” was full enough already and I couldn’t put one more thing up there without searching and pondering.

First time reading something about Mormons, not written by Mormons.

First time allowing myself to consider the question: “If the LDS faith were not true, would I want to know it?”

First time pondering the obvious follow-up thought, “If the LDS faith were not true, how would I know it?”

Briefly occupying the no-man’s land where I admitted to myself that the LDS faith is bogus but that it does so much good, so I’ll stay in it and stay quiet so as to not make waves.

First time pinching my own child so that I’d have to take her out during sacrament meeting because the talk was unbearably ridiculous and false.

First time saying, “No” to a calling.

Realizing that I wasn’t going to be able to maintain the facade peacefully for very long.

First paycheck I didn’t deduct 10% for tithing.

First full month of no church.

First cup of coffee.

First taste of alcohol.

First time not wearing garments all day.

Resigning from the church officially.

First guilt-free sex outside of marriage.

First time having to replace secular underwear with secular underwear.

First full month of no visits or participation in any Ex-Mormon board.

First time I blew it in a big way and I realized that there was only me to make it better, no invisible sky daddy to pray to who could take it away. Just me and my better behavior in the future.

And now I come to where I have arrived in my progression recently…

The first time finding the ex-Mormon comments on a bulletin board to be as irritating as a True Believing Mormon’s.

I know that foolish comments are part of ANY large group of people and there are no exceptions that I can think of, so here’s a look at some common ideas, comments or posts on ex-Mormon boards that should be purged but likely won’t.

Mistaken targets

Missionaries : “The missionaries just stopped by, I told them they were liars and slammed the door shut!”

Having been a naive missionary myself and knowing that my own son is likely indoctrinated enough to agree to it himself after high school, I hate seeing them mistreated. Most of them have no idea about the shady side of Mormonism, as I didn’t. They are not the enemy. When they stop by or talk to me on the street my instinct is to be friendly, but honest. I’ve even invited them over for food (never accepted). I’ve never had the opportunity to share much more with them because my priority is to be polite.

Home Teachers: “My home teachers just shared an Ensign article with me that got my blood boiling.”

Here’s one I understand, but I still believe the onus to set boundaries and expectations lies with you. You want to be rid of it? Then resign from the church. I did and haven’t been bothered once since. But if for some reason you can’t or don’t want to resign then it’s up to you to establish appropriate boundaries in your home. If that means no home teachers, then say “no”. If it means they can’t just stop by without an appointment, then tell them so. If you welcome social visits without prayers and a lesson, open your mouth and have the balls to establish that boundary in your own home.

Relatives: “They always have to say a damn prayer or have some sort of lesson when we’re at their house!”

Location. Location. Location. It’s their house. They’re not obligated to modify their behavior because of you. Even if you are their daughter, son, parent, brother, sister, in-law or guest. Be polite and gracious for God’s sake! Or, alternatively stay away and keep your distance.

In your home, however, the onus is upon you to set the boundaries. If you let them railroad you in your own home, you need to grow some balls. “Thanks for the offer, but in our home we don’t do that.”

Word of Wisdom

Coffee: “Help. I tried coffee for the first time and I hate it. What do I do?”

Then you stop drinking it, moron! If you don’t like it, don’t do it! There are a lot of non-Mormons who don’t like coffee or who don’t drink it for one reason or another. It doesn’t make you any less of an apostate if you choose not to drink coffee.

Still, a little online research wouldn’t take long to help you discover the type of coffee you might like. Think of it as chocolate. If you’ve ever tasted pure cocoa (chocolate) it’s nasty. But maybe you’d like that bitter kick. If so, try an espresso. Some people like dark chocolate and some people like milk chocolate. If you are the former, try coffee with sweetener, but no milk or cream. If you are the latter, add milk or cream or try a latte with any of the popular flavors.

Alcohol: “What are you drinking?”

As with coffee, it’s not necessary to drink alcohol to live in the world. A lot of people live happy Mormon-free lives without it. But in the case of alcohol there’s a lot more to it. An education course might be helpful. You know that saying “everything in moderation”? I’m convinced alcohol was the reason someone first said it. It will take a few times to get the idea of what you like and how much you can handle, but ALWAYS pre-plan your ride home before you take a drink away from home. A cab ride or a hotel room are both cheaper and safer than a DUI.

I also think the verb “drink” is mistakenly applied to alcohol. It’s why people in this country have such an unhealthy relationship with it. In the case of beer and wine especially, they are best experienced as a long sipping session. Think of them as the cranberry sauce of a Thanksgiving dinner. Alone, not so good. But together with a full plate it adds a balance. Beer and wine enhance another food item or even just add something special to an experience. Alone, without friends or food, it’s quite nasty.

Alternate pathways:

Skeptics

We all walk away from Mormonism with a healthier sense of skepticism but there are some on those ex-mo boards that are just asses about it. Many now mistake experience with authority. If someone like Steve Benson writes something of his experiences, he’s often taken down as if he were assuming some sort of authority over them. Take also the whole Tom Phillips “surprise.”

For those who don’t know, Tom Phillips is a former LDS Stake President in the UK who experienced a faith crisis, left the church and then related his experience of receiving the “Second Anointing” at great person cost (in written form, Tom’s four hour podcast on John Dehlin’s mormonstories). He’s been claiming for months that there’s more shocking news to reveal but because it hasn’t happened yet there’s name calling and doubt.

I certainly wouldn’t hold my breathe or base my entire life on it, but I’m willing to give the guy the benefit of the doubt… or anyone else who relates an experience on those forms. These people no longer hold any authority over me regardless of their higher connections.

Born-again Christians

If you think something is bullshit, the answer is not more bullshit. I’m ok being around and having believers as part of my circle of friends, but quoting Biblical scripture or imagining what God said regarding Mormonism it utterly a waste of additional time.

New Order Mormons

As they say, you can’t polish a turd, but I am able to allow that not everyone has experienced the extent of negativity that I have in the Mormon faith. I left Mormonism because it’s what I had to do for my own integrity and peace of mind. But I don’t know what is best for others who encounter the same truths. Take the in and out experiences of John Dehlin and there’s so many people who have no tolerance for someone like him. I say he’s entirely unreliable regarding his position towards Mormonism but the contribution he’s made towards Ex-Mormon progression is undisputed. I’ll take it and cheer him on regardless.