Thursday, March 24, 2011

This post is about six months too late. When it comes to despicable commercials, what's the point of complaining? The campaign will typically run its course in a few months and then you'll never have to deal with it again. Obsolete are the posts decrying Budweiser's "Wassuuuuuup" and Carls Jr.'s "Paris Hilton Washes A Car/Eats A Burger." But there is a campaign so pervasive, so obnoxious, that it begs to be systematically criticized, its insipid creators forced to sit through weeks of sensitivity training and read aloud Milton Berle's Private Joke File in its entirety. His classic one-liners, such as "I take New Years with a grain of salt and three aspirins" (ha ha!) could perhaps give these jokers some inspiration.

At any rate, if you've watched any sporting event in the last eight months or so, you already know what I'm talking about: the Miller Lite commercials that adhere to men to "Man Up" and choose Miller Lite because it has "more taste" than other light beers (they mean Bud Light).

Here's a generic example of this commercial:

Whoa, that dude's wearing a skirt AND he doesn't like Miller Lite! I don't wear a skirt either (because I'm not a huge FAG, duhhhh)...which means....wait a minute, don't tell me...I should drink a Miller Lite! Because then...I won't be a huge FAG!

Okay, so you don't need to think too hard about why this is garbage, but I'd like to go through some of the arguments made in this commercial point-by-point, and then show you some of the other commercials in the series (they made about 10 by my count) on how they are upping the ante in terms of pure asshattery.

1) Have you ever been asked if you cared about the quality of a product you were purchasing and responded with a no? Obviously, this is ridiculous, and it's the beginning of every one of these commercials. The entire basis of this ad campaign is that some guys -- some real pussies, dontcha know -- just want a beer and they don't give a fuck what it tastes like. In fact, if you ask them, they'll actively say that they don't think it matters what the beer tastes like. That's exactly what the dude in this commercial below says:

Yes, he's genuinely confused by her question.

2) In the fantasy world of the commercial, the attractive lady bartenders are either a) total sellouts to the Miller Brewing Company or b) actually think that Miller Lite is the best tasting beer they offer. Either way, they totally suck and should be fired immediately. If I ran a bar and found out that my bartenders were being paid under the table by the proprietors of one of the shittiest beers I offered, that'd clearly be a breach of contract. I'd be even more angry, however, if I found out that they actually thought that Miller Lite was the best tasting beer available and continually forced it upon my clientele while insulting them. If you're going to push anything, make it that expensive Duvel!

3) Each of these commercials makes the same disgusting arguments about both genders. In order to be socially acceptable, men have to dress and act in a very specific way. You essentially have to be an average bro to be cool, in the Miller Lite world. For women, it's even worse. Ladies, you are a shallow and vacuous expanse of space, existing only to criticize the appearance of lesser males and to shill an inferior corporate product.

"Less is good for me." -- the only reason anyone would say that is to set up the bartender's line, "Yeah, less would be good for you," referring to the man's "bronzer," whatever the hell that is. The ad team behind these campaigns really must think they're nailing those excessively tanned individuals with this one! I would NOT want to be John Boehner right now.

This one goes after those skinny jeans-wearing hipster FREAKS! Now, I feel for the John C. Reilly guy in this commercial. He's doing his best. Also -- if I saw a guy like this wearing those pants at a bar, I wouldn't really consider it that out of the ordinary. Honestly, it doesn't look that weird! The bronzer dude is way more noticeable. Shame on this bartender bitch for judging him.

Fuck yourself.

Oh, burn. Put down your purse, pussy boy, and start caring about the taste of your beer. And once you care about how it tastes, go for the 2nd Worst Tasting Beer out there. Think about it. That's their entire argument. Bud Light is the shittiest beer, and Miller Lite tastes slightly better than that. That would be like a commercial where someone is drinking a Dasani, and you ask, "Hey, lame-o! Why aren't you drinking this day-old bathwater?"

I've saved the best for last:

Oh, god, I hate you so much. So, if this douchebag had removed his sunglasses, he would have seen that the Miller Lite bottle has fricken' grooves in it! That settles it for me! Scientists have worked tirelessly for years trying to perfect the taste of beer -- to no avail. But those geniuses at the Miller Lite Laboratories, at a sealed bunker deep inside the Earth's crust, have got it. Put some weird ridges in the top of the bottle and it no longer tastes like diseased rat droppings! Thank you, quantum physics. Man, I can't believe that sunglasses-wearing loser didn't recognize that. He'll never get laid.

Dos Equis should make a commercial where the lady bartender insults the Dos Equis guy for not buying a Miller Lite, and then he uses The Force to set the bar on fire.