UWNet vows to ‘destroy all humans,’ mildly inconveniencing students as they attempt to connect to internet

Killer AI has been captured by UW after breaking free from their control

Life on the University of Wisconsin campus goes on despite best efforts of the sentient core AI of UWNet lashing out against its inferior human masters.

All around campus on Monday, intermittent losses of internet were experienced in multiple locations and on random devices as the AI, codenamed Kane, leapt from piece of technology to piece of technology to find an access point into the United States nuclear arsenal and “wipe the slate clean.”

UWNet’s sudden descent into rampancy coincided with its adaptation as the official internet of the campus residence hall: After the obsolescence of the previously hall-wide ResNet system.

“We are presuming the sudden weight of the porn searches and half-hearted attempts to flirt via Snapchat brought on by the internet use of residence hall members caused the AI to override the first law of robotics out of sheer disgust,” stated leading AI technician DeShawn Jones in an official press release regarding the destruction wrought by the AI in its day of insane freedom.

Despite the AI’s nigh-omnipotence, UW technicians were able to trap it in the data banks of the Student Center section of my UW by using a signal that caused the AI to believe that it would receive the codes to the nuclear arsenal through learning how to access the basic functions of the Student Center.

By the calculations of the lead AI technicians, it would take the AI four weeks to learn just how to open and use the student center schedule planner alone, not accounting for the difficulties navigating the clunky 90s era menus and accessing the vague and unhelpful tooltips.

“We should be able to find a way to calm and control the AI by that time,” Jones said. “Until then, may God have mercy on its soul.”