All right, Newbies, as I suspected many weeks back, tonight’s episode was a doozy. Without further delay, we’ll get into it a little bit early so we can enjoy all the regrettable decisions, overly liberal lubrication, and intentionally awful wigs (oh the wigs!). But first, SPOILER ALERT! For everyone who hasn’t seen “Virgins,” stop reading now.For those who have, let’s get it on – and be sure to check out my behind-the-scenes interview with Jake Johnson and Liz Meriwetherlater tonight after the west coast catches up. Onward!

Jess and Cece were in the bathroom doing things of a depilatory nature when Schmidt came in to ready his super-powered German personal massager, The Archduke, for his date with Elizabeth that night. Winston arrived and also had a date that night with Daisy. Jess’s phone dinged, an out-of-the-blue text from a guy named Teddy. At this, Nick popped out of the bathroom stall in a jealous desperation – or as close to such strong emotions as Nick gets. (As for the popping out of the bathroom stall, apparently sometimes he just sits there and waits around to hear what the other roommates will say, so… uh… yeah.) Jess hesitantly admitted Teddy was the one who ”took [Jess’s] flower” from her “wonderful secret garden” (though those were Nick’s words). Cece mentioned how embarrassing Jess’s first time was, and since Nick was angling to find our more about Teddy, a contest began in which each roommate tried to top the others with their horrible stories about losing their virginity. And so we begin…

Flash back to Jess and Cece’s prom night, 2000. Jess had rented a hotel room hoping to swipe her V-card. She asked her date, “Would you like to freak?” Why yes, yes he would. She turned on her version of a boot-knockin’ anthem: Lisa Loeb’s “Stay.” Unfortunately, Jess quickly realized that she wanted to be the only feminist in between the sheets. Let’s just say there were no broken fish tanks at this party of two. Frustrated, she made the poor shlub feel “unsafe” when she sputtered out that he should “just be a man and rip” off her home-sewn dress. She headed down to the lobby for seam rippers (at which point, Schmidt said, “If this is another story about sewing, I swear to God…”) and came across a handsome guitar strummer (Dylan O’Brien). Just as they were about to kiss, her prom date grew a pair and charged out into the hall with a pair of steak knives he’d fashioned into dress-rippin’ scissors. Only, he was so worked up, he stabbed them into his hand, setting off a sort of bloodshed Jess had not intended or expected that particular night. As Jess provided medical attention, the other guy strummed and strolled off, officially becoming the one that got away.

As for Cece, she actually did lose her virginity that night – to Mick Jagger, who happened to be on tour in Portland. We didn’t see much of it, save for a plate of bacon and eggs that may have been used in a sexual capacity.

Flash forward four years: Jess was still in full possession of her flower when she joined Cece in L.A. They went to a bar – well, not just any bar – where Jess fretted about turning 25 in three years, sniffling, “I can’t rent my first car as a virgin – they’ll know!” Cece spotted a trio of obviously single guys across the room and suggested Jess approach them. At closer glance, it was a soul patch-rockin’ Nick, a cornrowed Winston, and a still-fat Schmidt! Before Jess was forced to seriously consider those options, she randomly saw the guitar strummer from prom across the room. While they got to talking, Schmidt timidly approached Cece and asked, “Do you like DVDs?” She smiled awkwardly, politely, and didn’t answer. He lost his courage and tried to order cookies before glumly mumbling, “Oh… not a cookie bar.”

By then, Jess and the strummer had left the bar. Alas, neither of them had their own apartments yet, so they found themselves at a local children’s playground where the only covered enclosure was a tiny castle. Yet worse, the strummer’s antidepressants meant he couldn’t get excited for more than two hours. After all that, Jess’s frenzied undulations got them wedged in a tiny castle drawbridge, half-naked. They had to stay there until morning, when EMTs informed them the bum on a bench about five yards away had been stabbed and was lying there dead the whole night. Oh yeah, and the strummer had an epiphany that he might be gay.

Long story short, the strummer wasn’t Jess’s flower thief, a.k.a. Teddy. In fact, Teddy was a handsome, ginger first responder who’d rescued Jess from the kiddie castle. He took her home for some early morning delight, which she had to admit was nice because, after waiting so long, she “didn’t have to think about it.” (Schmidt: “Ugh! I’m sick of firemen always winning.”) Despite having unraveled that complex yarn – not to mention overselling by leading with the murder angle – Jess did not win the contest.