John W. James

Where were you when I needed you?

The saddest question we ever hear is, "Where were you when I needed you?"

That's what people ask when they find out what we do in helping grievers. We're presenting helpful and accurate information on this site, at the time you need it most, with the hope that you'll never need to ask that question.

It's an honor and a sad privilege to be addressing you, knowing that each of you has recently experienced the death of someone important to you. We also know some of you are reading this because of your care and concern for someone who is confronted by the death of someone important in their life.

We bring our personal experience in dealing with the deaths of people who were important to us, and our professional know-how in helping grievers for more than 30 years. We'll help you distinguish between the "raw grief" that is your normal and natural reaction to the death, and the equally normal "unresolved grief" that relates to the unfinished emotions that are part of the physical ending of all relationships.

A basic reality for most grieving people is difficulty concentrating or focusing. With that in mind, we asked Tributes.com to print our articles in a large type font to make them easier to read. Sharing our concern for grieving people, they agreed.

Ask The Grief Experts

He was not only my father he was my best friend. (Published 1-10-12)

Q:

I lost my dad about five weeks ago and I am truly devastated. Even though he was a chronically sick man, diabetes, congestive heart failure and high blood pressure, he seemed and acted fine all the time. He was not only my father he was my best friend. I miss him constantly, I think about him constantly.

I had spoken with him and there was something in his voice that was differen. Eight hours later he had a massive heart attack and died instantly. I keep wondering if I could have done something to save him. Should I have insisted he go to the hospital? I am so confused and all I do is cry constantly though not as much as I did a few weeks ago.

I am in a state of disbelief and all of this still feels like a dream, when does that end? Why am I now questioning my tenure as a daughter and if I did everything in my power to be the best daughter?

Most of all, will I ever feel whole again? I know this is a lot but even though I am 41 years old, this it my first real death experience and it hurts so bad it is physically painful.

A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Kandy,

Thanks for your note and questions.

Based on your closeness with your dad, we imagine that your universe is upside down.

We’d guess that normally when your heart was sad, you would talk with your dad about your feelings. Now that he has died, and your heart is broken in millions of pieces, the very person you’d go to for comfort is gone.

The only thing we’d add to those thoughts is to let you know how normal and natural it is for you to be dazed, confused, questioning of yourself, etc.

We’d like to add that your sense of the physical impact on you is also normal and natural. Grief is painful!

As to your wondering if you could have done something to save him: Over the many years we’ve been helping grievers, we’ve heard that lament many thousands of times. More than anything we believe that is your broken heart talking. Trying to piece together clues after the fact always makes you feel even worse and never solves anything.

Also, we’d guess that you were a fantastic daughter, and that you did do everything in your power to be just that.

We also believe that your questions represent the love you had for your dad and how much you miss him.

Whether or not you will ever feel whole again depends on whether or not you take actions that help you complete what your dad’s death has left emotionally unfinished for you. Even if you do take helpful actions and begin to feel whole again, the fact is that things will be different than they were when dad was alive.

Go to the bookstore or library and get a copy of The Grief Recovery Handbook. The actions of recovery outlined in the book will help you immensely, and allow you to regain that sense of wholeness even though he’s no longer here.