I decided that my proteges needed to educate themselves a bit. Part of the reason they never have anything to talk about with anyone is because their entire cultural frame of reference consists of VH1 and clips from The Soup.

AARON: What if we didn't read the book?ME: I guess we move on to the talent portion of the afternoon.AARON: Really?ME: No, Aaron! It's a Book Club. Reading the book is sort of essential.

I had everyone--including Brad--meet me at the local Barnes and Noble after giving them two weeks to read one of my favorite books--Christopher Rice's A Density of Souls.

Unfortunately, there was a little too much density and a massive lack of soul.

AJ: I read, like, the first chapter.BRAD: Ha!ME: Brad, maybe he did.BRAD: AJ, when you say first chapter--AJ: Fine, the first page.BRAD: Really?AJ: The first line. It sounded boring.ME: At least you didn't try and fake it by quoting from the back cover.ANTHONY: Damn! How did you know I was going to do that?

I turned to Alicia. I knew she wouldn't let me down.

ALICIA: Um, I sort of, read something else.ME: Oh, well...that's okay. A Book Club is meant to be a place of sharing.AARON: In that case, can we talk about this guy I--ME: Sharing about books, Aaron! Books!AARON: Sorry.AJ: Apparently books make you bitchy.ME: Alicia, you have the floor.BRAD: I wish I had a mimosa.

Alicia took a magazine out of her bag.

ALICIA: Have you guys read US Weekly?ME: Alicia! That's not a book.ALICIA: But it's reading.ME: No it's not!ALICIA: Kevin, there are articles.BRAD: Tell us, Alicia, whose fat this week?ALICIA: Brooke Hogan.AJ: Please, that bitch is fat every week.ME: AHHH!

Everyone in the B&N Cafe turned and looked at me. I decided I needed to try a different approach.

ANTHONY; We're in trouble. I can tell. He's got that look on his face like he just peed himself.BRAD: Know that look well, do you, Anthony?

I stood up.

ME: Since none of you read this book--and since you clearly have no intention of reading it or anything else that has more substance to it than the back of a ketchup bottle--I might as well tell you what you missed.BRAD: Lots of intellectual rambling?AARON: A convoluted storyline?AJ: Big words like convoluted?ANTHONY: A plot and shit?ALICIA: Whatever it was it CANNOT be as good as what Kate from Jon and Kate was wearing on--ME: Sex.

ME: You see I picked this book because I wanted to get you guys excited about reading and enlightening yourselves. Expanding your horizons. But I knew if I just shot you out of the Jane Eyre cannon, you'd have been turned off. So I started you out with something more to your liking, but you all decided to pass on it. Fair enough.

I dropped a copy of the book on the table. Then I drove the knife into their hearts.

ME: Oh, and I forgot to mention. The whole thing takes place in New Orleans--dirty, hot, sultry New Orleans.

As I turned and started walking away, I caught them out of the corner of my eye--grabbing and pulling at the book I left on the table like wild beasts going at a deer carcass--wanting to find out what happened in it.