ice sculpture of animals who mate for life on the table at an event to celebrate yourself and achieving what others may not be able to is the ultimate, followed by a stay in a hotel built from ice and sleeping on fuzzy blankets with supposed only body heat to stop the imagined hypochondriac hypothermia

Of course now that I buy nice Australian lube in a black pump bottle with an infinity sign on it with a cool name with two O’s “oo” in the middle, there’s no one around to hook up with, except myself, but you can freeze it! Lube is not water. Alas, there are other stories leading up to this of my first Tinder break-up and most recently one about the worst date in the history of woman-kind with someone who I wouldn’t touch with a 9-foot pole, but back to my slowly melting ice-man.

In the media, in the movies, in the US, we’re taught to “play it cool”. Why not play it ardent and see where that takes you? Polly suggests flashing your flaws asap. Why wait? Playing it cool for too long makes me stop thinking about you sexually. My friend ordered a book and had it sent to my house: Men Love Bitches. Putting guys on ice, putting them on the back-burner, no roaring flames, no boiling points, just simmering. Yawn. Pass the lighter.

Let’s face it- our peoples crossed different oceans to get by boat to get to this continent, but wouldn’t it be neat if they did it on foot during the last freeze-over? Step, crunch, step, crunch, burrrrr, step, crunch, oh, there you are. Let’s get warmed up.

Why buy the ice when you can get it for free? Fluidity is everywhere. Do we really need the milk and honey?

Possible uses of ice: taking a clear cube, running it down your body or letting you stand with a noose on top of a big block.

How we broke the ice: I asked if you were scared of my neighborhood. You said you went to a haunted house around the corner for Halloween where they took your shirt off and one of the actors pretended to pee on you. Sounds like a Gwar show I said. You said you like to be scared. I guess this is why we’re going out for coffee on a Monday.

Now last year’s holidays are over. Are we standing in a tepid puddle of friendzone? Must we do this as candy hearts start appearing on shelves to celebrate the massacre? Go ask Eliot and Darwin.

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Cornelia grew up in the wooded lands of The Blair Witch and the times of the nineties. She's learning the trials and tribulations of phone app dating on the dirty streets of Downtown Los Angeles, whilst making sure Hollywood stays Satanic and playing the theremin.

What a beautiful story. Desiree has an otherworldly quality to her, a banished elf or displaced siren who developed a sharp tongue to protect her true nature in the human world. This, in combination with the very prosaic details of baby bricolage among the three of them, makes for a surreal story. It's quite wonderful. Great job.