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The inescapable bad thoughts are finally here, and I feel alone and like I'm already dying and that I'll get AIDS and that I'm already there cause I'm currently really chubby and so at a huge disadvantage... and worse, the hotlines aren't open on weekends... I feel like I can't get out of bed for fear of an OI...

Perhaps now is the time to shut down the machine and take a good long (all afternoon) walk. I always find that walking helps me to get my thoughts in order and helps me sleep better too. And its a positive way to improve your health.

BTW -- being chubby is not a sign of being nigh unto dying of AIDS -- rather the reverse. But even before that discussion, as others have pointed out, you appear to be focusing on symptoms that you are unlikely to get if you start HAART under the care of a good doctor -- and you are unlikely to need to even begin HAART for years.

Prayerblue, is your boyfriend around today? What does he say about your constant worries about HIV related things which are irrational and unfounded? I would think that since he just became positive this years that he would be very insightful one on one.

he just got here a while ago to keep me company. but he's not started meds or anything he just went to the doctor to do tests to find out what to do next i guess... which is why i'm scared cause so much is up in the air...

tried looking at the mentor site... doesn't seem to be anyone in texas who's still active, much less willing to take on a newly infected... i dunno how that works, maybe i messed up on the search and i had been under the assumption someone on the administrative side did the matching...

i'll be honest... i could use some friends on here, and someone pm-ed me a great article describing how some of the guys on here form even offline bonds of friendship and support... how can i get that? i need something to look forward to, people to show me how they did it... is that too much to ask for? a couple of great responses like jenny and loop gave me some ambition to move forward, but i'd love to make friends of y'all...

I just wanted to say thanks to all those who've sent kind messages and PM's, and that I feel quite a ways better this evening. Might I ask, though, to all of you who read this... how did you personally move past the fear of what's next? I guess... how do you move forward from the emotional terror?

And I was terribly sad to see some posts in the living forum of people with such good hearts and minds not doing so well physically... in fact, one that from pics looked amazing and vibrant but said they were not doing so well right now... is this more common than not, or is that only when it's progressed to AIDS? I apologize if any of this is alarmist or naive, I just get faced with the fear of where can this go if I don't stop it...

I think what terrified me is seeing someone put a seroconversion in one year and the very next year an AIDS diagnosis... how is that even possible? Please, everyone, don't be mad at me... my therapists said I should try to at least be informed, is there a way to do that anyone else would advise that doesn't inspire such fear?

And I was terribly sad to see some posts in the living forum of people with such good hearts and minds not doing so well physically... in fact, one that from pics looked amazing and vibrant but said they were not doing so well right now... is this more common than not, or is that only when it's progressed to AIDS? I apologize if any of this is alarmist or naive, I just get faced with the fear of where can this go if I don't stop it...

There are some people who are going through very tough times and they often log on to share their stories or to see if others can help them. But one shouldn't try to infer the average experience of everyone with the virus from a support board where people log on to share problems -- that's a logical fallacy that ignores the fact that those who are going through tough times may be more likely to post than others.

Furthermore, you shouldn't assume that you are likely to have the average experience of people on this board -- after all, your infection (if you are infected) was caught early; you live in a time when there are lots of drug alternatives and knowledge of how the disease works is improving. Furthermore, that knowledge has improved not only the number of drugs, but how to make the side effects less likely. Kaletra for instance is now prescribed mainly in tablet form which has reduced the incidence of its most noted gastrointestinal side effect dramatically compared to the old capsule form.

I think what terrified me is seeing someone put a seroconversion in one year and the very next year an AIDS diagnosis... how is that even possible? Please, everyone, don't be mad at me... my therapists said I should try to at least be informed, is there a way to do that anyone else would advise that doesn't inspire such fear?

Thanks, Assurbanipal. I guess I felt sad about it because they seem like people I'd love to be like, personality wise, and just to hear that even their great spirits are struggling with their bodies at the moment is unfair... but I guess, such is life... and all I can do is pray they heal and get back to living well and safe.

My doc gave me some inspired hope that it could have been wrong, but I'm trying to figure out how to interpret my CBC's?

Glucose was 99, of expected 65-100"Bun" was 16, out of 8-25Creatinine was .9 out of .8-1.4Calculated "Bun"/Creatinine was 18 out of 6-28Sodium was 139 out of 133-146Potassium was 4.2 out of 3.5-5.3Chloride was 106 out of 97-110Carbon dioxide was 20 out of 18-30Calcium was 9.7 out of 8.5-10.5Protein was 7.9 out of 6.0-8.4

Ok, to skip down, the red flagged section is "Hematocrit" is 49.5 out of 37-49, does that indicate some infection? She said it was cell size... "MCH" was 26.8 which is just below the recommended 27-24... and "MCHC" was 30.9, so below the numbers recommended of 32-36.

Lymphocytes seemed low, at 24... the recommended was 19-48... so that's why I got scared, isn't that an indicator of low lymphs due to being destroyed? 6 monocytes, whatever that is, out of 3-11 being normal, and 0 eosinphils... which, although it says 0 is normal up to 7, what does 0 mean?

Sorry... I guess I'm making a mistake coming here and whining like it'll change anything, but I don't see my counselors til later in the week and a bunch of you guys here said not to give up hope on a false positive and subsequent negative WB... just wanted to know if any of this helped that fact pattern along... cause I'm not pregnant, that's for sure, so I can't rely on any cause I can think of for a false +...

Clinic called, said results to be in this Friday... but I guess I was wrong to have hope in the CBC as a counter-balance or maybe it is... I'm struggling with some severe depressive thoughts but wanting so hard to be ok again... I guess chalk it up to immaturity...

Blue...you really need to chill! Life isn't over. You're going to make yourself sick with all the worrying you're doing. I've been poz since 1991 and I'm still alive and kickin'. Be patient...listen to your doctor...accept the information you are getting from those on this forum. We've been there, We know what you're feeling, thinking, etc. You're close to Austin and there are a lot of resources available.

Blue, I used to obsess over the little things on a lab sheet also, but eventually I had to live with the results being "within normal limits." I somehow thought I was different than everyone else who had "within normal limits" results. I had to just accept things is what I'm trying to say.

And all of your results were normal. Even the .2 difference in the MCH is not terribly out of range. What I'm trying to say is, you're right where you need to be. Continuing to think you're sick will end up you, well, sick. And that will be as a result of emotions, not the HIV.

Maybe you should call your therapist's office to see if you can get in sooner. And you should also probably get ahold of the local ASO (Aids Service Organization) to connect with a counselor there. They can go over your labs with you, number by number, to assure you of your good results and lay any fears to rest. Take care. Luv,Betty

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I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

You're right... guess I was just trying to find some hope it was still a negative somehow through my blood at the time of testing thereabouts seeming normal since I've no idea what it looks like when conversion happens but I was under the impression more would be "off..."

It's funny (well, not really), I did the same exact thing. I couldn't tell you how many times I had a CBC done during my window period. I kept thinking there had to be a clue, that maybe if my WBC was high enough then there would be no way I had any type of illness, that if my lymphocytes were blah blah then blah blah blah. You get the drift. I mean I scoured every number, page after page after page. So it is normal prayerblue, but in hindsight, not time well spent. It is easier said than done, I know, but try and relax, and trust me....stay off of webmd, medhelp, askpatient.com etc. Also remember that any inofrmation you read, here or otherwise is only that persons experience out of millions infected/possibly infected and not every situation/side effect/ailment/ is the same. I don't know if you ever watched that mini-series on Showtime or maybe it was HBO called Angels in America about AIDS in the late 80's/early 90's??? I watched it when it was on a few years ago (maybe longer) and got scared poopless, not because I had a reason to be scared but the show was very explicit (yet wonderful). Anyway, when I was diagnosed all I could see in my head was those characters. How frail they were. How miserable. I wanted someone to tell me that I wouldn't end up like that, but nobody could and nobody will-everyone is different, but with meds, as everyone has said, has greatly improved the quality of life. I do not spend my days in bed moaning and groaning, nor am I strapped to the toilet, whether it be sitting on it or hugging it, I go to the gym everyday, work a full time job and raise my two toddler daughters single handedly (not sure if that is how you spell it, but it sounded good!), all the while simply taking 3 little pills every night at 9:30 and going to give some blood every 3 months. Simple as that. But that is my lilfe. Nobody else's. Will I get sick in the future? Will my meds inevitably fail me? Will my cd4's drop? Those are all question that can't be answered. Anyway, I am done rambling. Take Care

Your case worker is full of (ahem) BS. (Need a few doses of Kaletra here JUST KIDDING)

The CDC does not agree with him/her." As treatment has become more available, trends in new AIDS diagnoses no longer accurately represent trends in new HIV infections; these data now represent persons who are tested late in the course of HIV infection, who have limited access to care, or in whom treatment has failed."

He told me that it was inevitable... he tried to sugarcoat it with "but they even have AIDS and can live for a few more years" but he made it seem unstoppable to that point... I swear I don't mean to be dramatic or desperate but I feel so lonely and scared...

who is your boyfriend talking too...maybe you can both go together....support was the number one thing I needed when I was first diagnosed...you really need to talk to someone in person that will be a positive influence right now..

Betty, if anyone here... your story made me see the ability of a human to overcome the disease and live on... I look up to all of the people on here as survivors but my God, yours makes me so hopeful to be like you and be strong! But what is it that's out of my control, and which thing may never happen? The AIDS? I appreciate you being so kind as to still talk to me, I know I'm a mess right now...

You are not guaranteed an eventual AIDS diagnosis. And...1) Even before HAART, the estimated average time from infection to AIDS was a decade2) HAART generally slows things down3) Most folks who start HAART at a higher CD 4 count and are able to stay on it will have pretty low risks of developing AIDS -- for instance the CDC treatment guide shows a 3 year risk of 3-5% for people with low viral loads (Table 4a)4) Even a diagnosis of AIDS is not as bad as you think it is -- in the US you are automatically diagnosed with AIDS if your Tcell count drops below 200. You don't need to be sick or have any AIDS defining illnesses.

Step back for a minute and ask yourself "How much of his/her time does my caseworker spend with the people that are not having problems? Is it possible his/her worldview is a little skewed?"

Be of good cheer. Honest -- life won't be perfect -- but was it going to be perfect anyway?A

Everyone here is really so kind... well, I hope eventually you guys remember me less as the paranoid scared kid and perhaps as a friend to trudge forward with, arm in arm...

EDIT: so really and truly? You can live long without AIDS and just be "positive" and still be ok? Do you all think, hopes of a cure set aside for the moment, there will be more advances to prevent the progression?

Prayer, before replying concerning the things you're enquiring about, I have to ask. Did you get the confirmatory test results? And if so, when did you get the result and was it indeed positive? We really do need to know this.

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I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Darling: First... it takes a LONG time for HIV to wear you down. When it does, rest assured HIV will not kill you. Something else will, like the flu, pneumonia, staph, etc.

Second, get a new counselor. This one seems content to scare the hell out of you and you need to tell him or her to be compassionate and kiss your ass. He or She is giving you BAD information and needs to take a trip to the CDC website and do some basic reading. They are giving you 1990 information, not 2008 info.

Third: Did you call Barbara Walker at Legacy Community Health Services? I sent you her name and number. She is a HIV Education Counselor for Houston. She can help you find her San Antonio counterpart. Two other places to look, your country hospital district, and your local gay community. Don't worry about them being gay. Honey, we are all in this together. I participate in a drug study that requires me to go to Thomas Street Clinic run by Harris County Hospital District. Thomas Street is an old 4 story community hospital that has been converted to an HIV outpatient clinic. I can't tell you how empowering it is to go to a 4 story building that does NOTHING but treat HIV. Seeing all the people who treat HIV and all the other people who are living with it opened my eyes. What's more fascinating to me is how everyone there runs the gamut. From straight and with their mother, to bringing their newborns and being there with their boyfriends. You need a similar experience where you can see lots of other people successfully living with HIV. What's more, look at this forum. There are people on here who have had HIV for over 20 years.

fourth: It's ultimately your decision. The way you get past it is that you get mad. YOU decide that you aren't going to let a stinking virus run your life. At that point you take charge. You eat right, get healthy, and learn as much as you can. You talk to a counselor about what bugs you, you make fun of the virus, you live with it, not under it.

Now, find that AIDS/HIV Service Organization and let me know how it goes. Barbara will bend over backwords to help you find them. If she doesn't answer, just leave her a message. Remember she works for a non-profit and they work her 60 hours, pay her for 35 and tell her like she's lucky to be there. That's how most non-profits treat their staff. Of course in many of our cases, we are lucky to be here. Lucky we took charge, got treatment, and gained control of our lives.

Make a plan. If you are HIV Negative, what will you do differently? Will you practice Safe Sex? If you are HIV Positive, what will you do? You have access to the internet, so you can read here, on wikipedia, and anywhere else.

Btw, It takes HIV about 10 years to wear you down without treatment. I know others will argue, but just go with it as a general number. With treatment you can expect to live at least 40 years. The key is getting treated, seeing your doctor, avoiding drug and alcohol abuse, and living healthy.

Let me know how your hunt for an ASO goes. I know there is one in San Antonio.

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Don't obsess over the wrong things. Life isn't about your numbers, it isn't about this forum, it isn't about someone's opinion. It's about getting out there and enjoying it. I am a person with HIV - not the other way around.

Hi PB,Another guy from "down under" wanting to reach out and give you some reassurance. I remember vividly the deadening dread I went through when I got the "ambiguous" test result, and finally the confirmation (it dragged on a bit, and I just didn't want to know). But I could have sworn I immediately started developing swollen glands, sore throat, night sweats - you name it. All I could think of was that I was going to die fairly soon. I read the "stats" and figured I had a max of eight years - and what I feared most was that everyone would know I was dying of AIDS rather than something respectable like cancer. I visited family and friends interstate ("perhaps for the last time"), tidied up the garage, got rid of the porn, and waited for the "Grim Reaper" to come knocking. Every morning I woke up to the dread of it. And time passed with no knock. How did I get over the terror? I don't know, I don't think it was anything I did - I eventually just fatigued of feeling scared. And there were days when I was so involved in things I forgot.

I remember it vividly - it was in early 1986 when I was very young (40!). And here I am, 23 years later, no health problems to date, just about to start treatment, and wondering whether I'll have enough superannuation to get me through to age 80-or-so.

A big hug, and know that we're with you. Oh - and make sure you plan for the future. Your best insurance is to fear the worst, on the principle that our worst fears almost never come about

Prayer, until the Western Blot results are back, I don't think I can be of any more assistance. You're worrying and groveling over things that haven't happened and perhaps may never happen. You posted something about meds in "Treatment and Side Effects" and your WB isn't even back. Cool out and let us know when you get the results. Thanks. Luv,Betty

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I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

His test is confirmed as of today. Now my mind is in fear again, and I just don't know what to do. Told my therapist about the situation before the confirmation and she, while saying she also thinks it's lower of a high risk than just "high risk" is trying to make sure I stay confident. Does the confirmation change anything, really? I don't know... Beyond that, I'm just trying to convince myself not everyone gets HIV from one time with someone who absolutely without a doubt had it at that moment when there was no climax but the precum thing is enough to drive me nuts.

Does your gut feeling change now that it's been confirmed?"

His was confirmed... it's right before the first post from Andy in my Am I? topic. And what I'm saying is the CLINIC said they sent the blood they took out for a western blot... what else was I to do? And I'd love to know what that "contradicts..." guys, please, I'm here to make allies not enemies...

BUT I got some great advice and hope from a counselor and survivor at another ASO here in town, who told me the odds were on my side still to not even need meds yet and that he himself at 30 still had hope to live to 100 (which is a dream I still try to have, even now...) if he can and so I just wanted to say to all of you...

Thanks.

I really hope to make some new lifelong friends here, this is not the end of me...

After a meeting with that counselor I spoke of, the world doesn't seem so bad and the imaginary clock on my head doesn't seem to be moving anymore... I think this really is the best time to have it if you have to have it, huh? At least now it seems there's meds and ways to live a normal life and people to look out for each other...

I'm apparently causing some controversy inadvertently, and making people upset at me without meaning to. Quite the opposite, I came here to this board after I got my test ("just tested poz" didn't say under it "with confirmation and viral load tests") and got some really kind and compassionate responses from loop, kom, assurbian and jenny to name a few that come to mind.

But rapid and philly seem to have the mentality either I'm making it up or deliberately skirting the issues of my bf's test being confirmed (it was) and that apparently I've taken no steps to find if mine will confirm (the clinic said on Friday it will come in, fingers crossed it might have been a false +) but apparently I'm enemy of the board simply because I've anxiety issues and seem clingy to compensate for the fact I have no friends and that trying to make some here seems like a long-shot because I've a stigma already for "overreacting."

Does anyone really want me to go? Does anyone want me to not message them specifically, or to leave them alone and just go the heck away? I'll accept answers... even people like Betty that inspire me seem to have no patience for me because of the fact I'm not in possession of the letter from the government saying "yes, you're infected." And Betty is the one that gave me the most hope for a long-term, along with Mark and of course the grand poobah Peter...

I want to live, and I want to feel for once accepted not for my flaws but for what I can bring to the table. Anyone want me out of the club still?

Prayer, no one wants you "out" (not even really sure what's meant by that). We just want you to quit spending all this time toiling over issues that might not even happen, poz or not. Of course, if your confirmatory test is +, we'll support you all we can.

How often do you see your counselor? Because it sounds like you might benefit from more meetings with him/her than you're having now.

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I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

I mean out like they want me to go away, like I'm unequal among equals so I should stop being a pest... that made sense in the Am I? forum, but if indeed it confirms I will feel so alone and despondent so I'm trying to cope...

I see a psychologist one day and a psychiatrist another every week... This is a recent, last week event though, so it just started. I'm really trying to get help and be prepared and have hope!

Prayerblue, I want to be supportive -- I'm just confused about the WB test as 100% sure you are infected. I don't know what to make up the fact that you've spent so much time not going and having one done.

What's upsetting people is that you aren't even confirmed hiv positive but yet you've got nearly 90 posts - most of them worrying yourself sick over something that might never happen. People would just like to see you calm down a bit. The time waiting for your WB result would be far better spent - and would go much faster for you - if you stepped away from your computer and went out and did something productive.

It's time consuming to keep answering questions - and frustrating too when the questions might well be pointless in the first place. If you disregard my advice to you to get off your computer, then at least show some courtesy and use your time to read some of the thousands of posts already on this forum - many which deal with the same things you are asking about. And read the lessons too.

You are not the first person to have to wait for a WB result, however, you ARE the first person here to wear the patience thin of so many other members while waiting. If by chance your result does come back positive, you don't want to have already worn out your welcome here. Please consider the feelings of others. We understand you're upset. We get it. BUT, until we know one way or the other, much of this is purely academic.

Take a few deep breaths and go get busy with something non-hiv related. All the fretting in the world is not going to make Friday happen any sooner.

"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Prayerblue, I want to be supportive -- I'm just confused about the WB test as 100% sure you are infected. I don't know what to make up the fact that you've spent so much time not going and having one done.

I've said similar to you earlier in one of your threads, Blue. You could have gone somewhere other than PP and had a WB done and likely could have already had your results. It just seems like the obvious thing to do when you're freaking out so heavily. I even gave you links where you could find a different testing center and you never even acknowledged my post.

"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Blue, you have reached a point where you can only wait for your results. There are three possibilities, in order of hope.

1. It comes back negative. What will you do differently in life if this happens? Are you prepared to commit to using condoms and being safe? You have gotten pretty close to bein positive at this point.

2. It comes back positive. Are you ready to take care of your body? Eat right? Have a good outlook on life?

3. It comes back indeterminate. In this case, you will need to wait. Probably 30 days before you can retest. Typically you should think like you are poz at this point, but there are some instances where a WB can come back indeterminate.

now these are not necessarily things that need a response. I'm just pointing out that you have an opportunity to reflect and think about how you will live under each of these outcomes. Make a plan, know that it will be okay regardless of which outcome, and then you will be able to exhale and get on with life.

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Don't obsess over the wrong things. Life isn't about your numbers, it isn't about this forum, it isn't about someone's opinion. It's about getting out there and enjoying it. I am a person with HIV - not the other way around.

"Go to http://directory.poz.com/ and find another testing center near you - and find your local ASO so you can find someone to talk to face-to-face."

My response was: "When I do a search, a few pop up but I've no idea which are counselors and most seem like testing centers..." and later, when I did find an ASO in town... "The case-worker says it's impossible to prevent the diagnosis of AIDS, just a matter of time..." BUT I'll have you know they said that PP would send for the WB and thus no further action on my part except for coming in for the (good or bad) news.

But that's just to say I do read and acknowledge what you say. As much a paranoid hypochondriac as I am, I do take every word to heart and especially yours since you had the most optimism (and still seem to have) of my chance to be negative.

Trying to be productive, trying to stay in class and study again... sorry, it's just the lonely thing that keeps me trying to talk to people and yeah, I'm one of those classic cases of needing reassurance in a crisis.

And philly, I meant to say that I didn't "go get one," it's that the PP clinic I went to that took vials of blood for the WB the same say so it was all already in the process. Thanks for the explanation, and I know I'm trying y'alls patience but honestly... I'm the loneliest person right now... and trying to have hope I'll live decades, not months.