Yesterday, my girlfriend was enjoying some of your fine digestive biscuits, and dunking some in a cup of tea that she’d brewed in a McVitie’s Digestive mug. (I have enclosed a picture of the mug for reference purposes, but apologise for it being in black and white, as I don’t have a colour printer)

We were talking during this time, and I couldn’t help but notice that her breath smelt of biscuits.
It got me to wondering: Why are all breath mints…mint?
Why do we want our breath to smell of mint anyway? What’s so good about mint?

Personally, I love the smell of McVitie’s Digestive biscuits, and think it would be lovely if more peoples’ breath smelt of them. Plus it would probably make people hungrier and more likely to buy more of your biscuits, though I would hope you would not use that power for evil.

Obviously it is inconvenient to carry a large packet of biscuits with you everywhere you go though, and there would be a great deal of crumb maintenance, so I wonder if it would be possible for McVitie’s Labs to create a long-lasting portable breath “mint” that enabled you to have that all day taste/smell of biscuits? For overweight people, maybe you could make one that smelt/tasted of something nobody likes, like sprouts, or Turkish Delight.

Good day to you, and if you did feel the need to send me some vouchers to help fund my biscuit addiction (that you have played a part in creating), they would be much appreciated.

Yours hungrily,

Ben Park

I really did sign it like a proper letter too. It looks very official.
And here’s the picture I printed and sent with the letter (for reference purposes):

It’s a real letter. I’ve just posted it…..now.

Edit: 18th December 2009.
Just received this reply from McVitie’s (click to enlarge).

I’ll be honest, I don’t care about the Daily Express mostly.It’s quite a boring newspaper.Not racist/homophobic/scaremongering enough to be the DailyMail, it isn’t really first with any stories, and it doesn’t have any writers I’m bothered about.I’ll read it if the paper is around, but I’m not too fussed about it either way.

My job in a petrol station also involves selling newspapers. As part of it, I have to put in all those millions of inserts that you get in weekend newspapers, as they’re all delivered separately.Delivered with Saturday’s Daily Express was their normal magazine, with celebrity interview, TV guide, etc.We were delivered a few too many inserts so I was flicking through a spare copy, and tucked away near the back was an advert that made me laugh. Maybe it was just because I was working a night shift and it was 4am, but this became a running joke for the rest of the night (click image for larger):

My first thought was how gaudy and disgusting it is, but there’s much more to poke fun at, than that.Someone has actually sat down and thought “Elvis..people like Elvis..what sort of Elvis merchandise can we come up with?”Granted Elvis has been dead for such a long time, it’s probably hard to keep coming up with ideas, but an Elvis cuckoo clock?Sorry. Not just an Elvis cuckoo clock – it is the “first-ever” Elvis cuckoo clock!Where he pops out and “sings” a hit on the hour?What sort of drugs are they smoking at the Bradford Exchange?

It states several times this is the “40th Anniversary edition”, but of what?His comeback special is mentioned early on, from 1968. But then the 40th anniversary of that would surely have been in 2008, not 2 months from the end of 2009. They have arrived somewhat late to the party.

The clock features a “brass pendulum bearing Elvis’ replica autograph”. As opposed to what? Getting him to sign them all personally?

Either way, you had better snap one up quick because it is “strictly limited to 295 crafting days”. Does that mean someone is making these all day every day, for nearly 10 months?And I thought I had it bad in my job.

Available now, just £149.95 (plus 9.99 p&p) you can pay in installments – hurry! You need send no money now!

I’m probably a bit late to the party (pun intended) on this one, but I couldn’t help but watch this video earlier, advertising launch parties for Microsoft Windows 7.If you haven’t seen it yet, here it is:[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1cX4t5-YpHQ&hl=en&fs=1&](Originally posted at Cabel)

So is it a fake?According to this website, Microsoft are indeed having launch parties, and have partnered with another company to organise this.They show a still of the original horrible video on that page.

Also, if you were making a fake commercial for something, that’s fair enough. Plenty of people have. That’s not too difficult with enough people and some half decent equipment.But the Launch Parties channel on YouTube has loads and loads of videos, subtitled for different languages. Much as I’d love to believe it’s some Apple fanatics that have deliberately made some fake Microsoft videos, the idea of them making over ONE HUNDRED seems a little absurd.

So that must mean that this IS a real video. Not just that one either.THIS other video really does have a man utter the line “let me show them to you, then give you a chance to fool around with them yourself”. Begging for a porno re-edit, I’m sure you’ll agree.

So these videos, in all their shabby, badly-acted, really-tedious, long-winded glory, really are all made by Microsoft – the biggest, most profitable software company in the world? I’m still trying to take that all in. It can’t be, surely?

I’m fairly determined to make my first post semi-happy.However, when I sat down and started writing, what came out was my fears for the global economy.Given that, I think I’ll save that one for another day, and write the next thing on my list.

I’ve become a total pedant.Maybe I’ve always been one, actually.This week, I’ve been continuously annoyed by the broken washing machine in my kitchen.I can’t really afford to replace it, but I can’t find anything on Freecycle, and second hand ones are selling for almost as much as the likely cost of repair.As I’m nearly out of clean clothes, I’ll be doing something about it tomorrow.

This is where the pedant in me comes out.Instead of ignoring it as most people would, I composed the following message and sent it to them via the “Contact Us” section:

As my washing machine is broken, I have been looking at your Hotpoint servicing details.I couldn’t help but notice, while reading: http://www.hotpointservice.co.uk/hs/pages/content.do?keys=ABOUT_US:PAGE&keys=ABOUT_US:HISTORY…that you say two interesting things.

“We are open when you need us and our operators are on hand to answer your call every day including weekends and bank holidays on 08448 224 224.”BUT you also state: “Call us at your convenience – 364 days a year”

As there’s 365 days in most years, I was just wondering which day you get off? I’m guessing either Christmas Day, or Easter Sunday?It must be nice on leap years, because you get a second day off then.

Thanks for your time.

Ben Park

While I was doing this, I remembered I’ve been meaning to email Gillette about some of their products, so I figured that while I was in the mood, I’d have a go at that too.

Hello,I have been using your Gillette shaving products from the time I first started shaving, until now.I started with a Sensor Excel razor, and progressed to my current Mach3.I started with your foam, then switched to gel, and most recently to your new Fusion HydraGel (with Aloe and Glycerin).I am aware I am using the Fusion gel WITHOUT the Fusion razor. My apologies for this hideous faux pas.

Upon exiting the shower recently, my current girlfriend described me as having “just the nicest smell ever”, and I thought you might be interested to know, as it’s mostly all involving products that [Proctor and Gamble] make.I assumed it was the HydraGel (I had recently started using), but I have got her to sniff that on it’s own, and it seemingly isn’t that alone that she loves.

This combination, specifically culminating at it’s most aromatic around my ears, seems to please her greatly.It’s always possible it’s affected by me somehow, or that she’s simply mad, but I thought I’d let you know in case this turns out to be a winning formula for a new product.

Thanks for your time, and if you wanted to send me some money-off vouchers, a free razor (well wrapped), or whatever, they’d be greatly appreciated.

-Ben Park-

P.S. Despite the adverts claiming “the Lynx effect”, every woman I’ve ever spoken to about their products say that Lynx smells like a “teenage boy’s bedroom”. I’ll be sticking with my Gillette products, and keep up the good work.

P.P.S. My only slight problem with your Gillette products is the sheer number of different ones available. I have no idea if Glycerin is better than Vitamin D, or whatever.

The saddest thing is that I’m actually excited to see if I get a reply to either.

Edit: 7th April.Hotpoint replied:

Dear Ben Park

Thank you for your email,

We are closed Christmas day only.

Yours sincerely,

Ann TaylorCustomer Care TeamIndesit UK

And Gillette also replied:

Hello and thanks for your email.

We’re grateful for your interest in our products and have passed your helpful comments to the department concerned.