This blog is devoted to stuff that white people like

#24 Wine

There are a lot of cultures that like wine, but the way white people like wine is on a whole different level.

Within white culture, you are expected to know what a good wine is, what wine is not acceptable to like, and the names of prominent wine growing regions.

But because there are thousands of wineries, thousands of wines, and a limited time to try them or learn about it, often times, white people need to fake knowledge. If they are exposed as not being knowledgeable, they will look like fools and their peers will consistently make jokes about them liking Boone’s Farm, Thunderbird, Steeler, or Lakeport. This humiliation can crush a white person for years.

When a white person offers you wine, you take a small sip and then say “ooh, that’s nice. What country is it from?” then they will say the name of the country and you say “I love wines from that country, I would love to get a villa in the wine region there.” White people will nod in agreement as they all want to have a second home in a wine region like Napa, Tuscany or Santa Barbara.

It is also a good idea to say that your favorite wine is from a small winery called [make up name like ‘Spotswood,’ ‘Red Duck,’ Random Spanish name] in [Australia, Argentina, France, California, or Chile] that is hard to get in whatever country you are in. White people will be impressed that they have not heard of this wine and consider you to be a very smart person. They will also make a note to try to find that wine, and when they can’t find it, your status will rise even higher.

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Actually yesterday at work my boss reminded me that there was some wine in the large open area. When we walked over he said to me “Hey, there might only be White left!” I thought to myself “There’s alcohol in White wine too?” When I went to grab the first open bottle I saw he said “That’s shit. Open this one.”

Rose is actually quite hip over here, in Europe, as a refreshing alternative to red wine for hot summer days. I’m not sure how long the trend will continue, but it has been like this for a couple of years.

Rose isn’t going to be cool for a few more years… But pointing out how cool it is in Europe these days WILL make you cool now.

Another cool thing to do with wine, is discuss it knowingly with your waiter. He will always be impressed by your choice… he makes $3.oo an hour plus your tips. He will always agree, he will not call you out. He may suggest the more expensive bottle…

And then after he made $100 for the night, unless being around too many pretentious people have gotten to him, he will go spend 20-30% of it on draft Miller lite and shots of Jager.

But remember, the waiter is ALWAYS your friend on this one. He is going to agree no matter what, and compliment you on that bottle of Ecco Domani merlot you are paying $24 for when it cost $6.99 at the store…

And your date will be impressed – provided she was not a waitress – because the “professional” is agreeing with you.

But please do live a decent tip. The draft beer will help us get the taste of bullshit out of our mouth.

Heh. My lily-white husband and (lily-white) I went to the Finger Lakes region wine country for our honeymooon.

Why? It was cheap, the wine tasted good, we didn’t have to fly or deal with the airlines, and there weren’t many wine snobs. The wineries just pushed wine at you and said “try this, you’ll like it – if you don’t like it, we’ll pour something else, there’s bound to be something in here that tastes good…”

I can see why white wine is less acceptable though: compared to red it tastes like sugary shit overall.

I do think wine snobs are hilarious though. But hey if they want to spend $150 on a bottle of 1977 cabernet savignon from county X field Y in Napa more power to them. Just white people with too much disposable income really.

There was a time when white people were really into Charles “2 buck chuck ” Shaw wine from Trader Joe’s which sold for a mere $1.99/bottle. You couldn’t go to a party and not see this stuff by the truckload.

However, once it became popular in the mainstream and featured on NPR, the hipster film folk started in on alternatives like Pabst Blue Ribbon at parties and dive bars. This anti-chuck sentiment extended to those white-loving restaurants where you have to cook your own steaks. Imagine that! Losers!

That would make you part of the intolerable hipster race, Robster. Either that or you’re still in High School. Once you have made the decision to permanently dump the pack of Parliament Lights/Marlboro Blend 27 (respectively) into the trash and have moved out of Allston/Austin/Damon/Portland, this post will apply to you.

White wine snobs, when you encounter one at a winery, never use the spitoon. To them all wine must be consumed, no matter how much it sucks. To test this theory I microwaved a bottle of cheap shiraz and served it to my white and “off-white”(european) buddies. The white snobs downed the glasses as if there was nothing wrong with wine tasting like burnt cardboard, while the euros spit that shit out.

So true. Most times the whites don’t know what they’re talking about and instead of enjoying the wine it’s ruined by alot of BS. Same goes for eating some exotic food. In countries where good food and wine come from guess what. They don’t BS about what it’s like, they enjoy it. You’ll never hear a true Italian for Spaniard BS’ing about tannins or complexity. It doesn’t matter.

ha! so funny! but the fortified wine is actually starting to rise in popularity among us whities. we are really starting to like port now, as evidenced by my personal attendance at a port tasting last tuesday.

Drinking any blush or rose wine in public will leave you open to ridicule by your white peers. Even if it isn’t actually White Zin, that distinctive pink color screams “white trash tramp trying to LOOK sophisticated”. I enjoy a nice blush wine from time to time, but only behind closed doors.

– cheese (white people love cheese with wine, specifically french cheese such as brie, boursin, & camembert) – white people go nuts for those slate cheese plates you can write on to label cheeses so you can point out to your guests they’re not cultured enough to know what you’re serving without your help….
– destination weddings (often in wine country)
– the movie Sideways
– soy (milk, meat substitute, etc.)
– growing your own food/herbs (it’s even better than organic)

All of the observations about white people and wine are quite true, but only for we palefaces who can’t really afford the best wines. The super rich who consume wine don’t have to engage in silly banter or pretend to know more than they do about wine. They just have a person go and get it for them and then they drink it. Sure, they might say, “Do you like this? It costs fucking $1500.00 a bottle.” However, I don’t think they worry about looking like they know all about wine. What’s the point when you can have as much of the best shit as you like?

No, it’s us poor slobs who like wine we really can’t afford that get seduced into the whole wine snob thing. While millionaire rap stars are swigging Chateau Petrus from the bottle and munching on a Jack taco, I am eagerly poring through the latest Wine Spectator trying to find that bottle rated in the upper 90s that’s less than a hundred bucks so I can stick it in my tiny cooler from Home Depot and feel smug about it. Damn. If I had any sense at all, I’d collect what po’ white folks should collect- light beer.

The only thing worse than whites who know about wine are ones that don’t. My mom has tried to make horrible “Holiday Punch” out of Manischewitz & 7Up before…

The first time I had good wine was the house wine at a Moroccan restaurant, it tasted good on its own and really good with everything we ate that night from spicy lamb to chicken with prunes. Another good wine experience was on a cruise with my family & extended family, at dinner every night we had a different wine with every course and I finally understood why white people got so het up about wine in the first place.

I’m basically lazy, and would rather spend my time making fun of other white people and finding snarky motivational poster pics and lolcats than learning about wine, and I let my yuppie sister pick out wine. I’m not scared to tell her it tastes like ass either, no matter it’s pedigree.

(1) when ordering at a restaurant and the waiter pours that first little bit into the glass for you to try, don’t even bother tasting it. Just give it a smell and tell the waiter that it will be fine. This will show them that you know that the reason they do this is only so you can tell if the wine is corked and not whether you like it or not. This does kind of rely on you knowing what corked wine smells like though, so there is the possibility of it seriously backfiring.

(2) telling stories about how your parents used to let you drink some of their wine (with maybe a little water depending on just how young you were) when you were younger (or indeed doing the same with your kids). This is what french people do so obviously white people love it.

And yes I do do (1) and could do (2) without lying but I’m not quite that insufferable.

OMG that is SOOOOOO goddamn funny!!!! I am laughing my ass off – and I LOOOOOVE wine (Malbec from Chile anyone?) and can totally recognize the boo-zhieness of mine own behavior altho I was raised in a trailerhouse in the woods in the poorest county in our state…..and I ain’t even white!! After the first 3 glasses its’ all good anyways…….

so don’t be black in Whole Foods (aka, Whole white foods) anywayz, when looking for wine, white people will tell you whats good for YOU. Though, I mentioned Malbec, they were surprised. I guess I should have asked if they Colt 45, LOL

I started drinking Boone’s in highschool, then moved on to Arbor Mist in early college years, and by the end of college I was drinking the real stuff. Though….I don’t pay too much attention to what. If it tastes good I drink it. Who care’s what other people think. Although, I do laugh at myself for the Boone’s and Arbor mist.

Guilty as charged! I sometimes cringe at myself when I’m ordering wine, then tasting it, etc. Can’t help it… I really DO love a good wine!
Now that you mentioned the Malbec, I’ve got to go open my “Kaiken Ultra” (current passion). Yum!

Interesting responses about Merlots. I guess the reason I continue to drink Merlot is that I dislike the movie Sideways. I also prefer red blends, more specifically with a small about of Cabernet Franc.

I love the person with the ex-pothead crack … I had this same thought. An old flame who was all fun and potheaded back when I knew him has since gotten married and become some sort of wine poser. It repulses me just thinking about it. Oh, and I think he likes knitting now too. is that a topic? It should be. Knitting (and lunchtime knitting clubs at work.) Ugh. I especially can’t stand White Punk-Rock Knitters.

This post should go hand in hand with traveling or going to school abroad.

I actually started drinking wine more when I lived in Italy (see how that works) because it was cheaper that soda or bottled water (threw in another one there). Now, I can’t imagine drinking anything else. I personally love a very cheap chianti (4 euros a bottle) called Vergignolo that you can only get in Florence (I’m good at this). I was introduced to it and my other favorite while spending the weekend at this amazing little vineyard in Tuscany and they doing a tour of the adjacent vineyard which was Frescobaldi. While on the tour I found an adorable little lace that I’m dying to purchase and just move to Italy and never come back.
You think it’s impressive when a white person says it. Imagine the humbling experience it is for white people when a black person says it. It means I have not only done what they have done (sometimes better), but I have done it all while having a slew of obstacles to face while doing it.

Key wine skill for white people: don’t buy wine from France or Italy where they’ve known how to do it well for centuries. You must find wine from California where it’s twice as expensive and not as good.

“Mmmm, this Sonoma Syrah is a steal at $28. Reminds me of this Italian table wine we drank when we were in college and could only afford $6 a bottle.”

You guys really missed the ball on this one. Your descriptions are really yesterdayish and show that you can’t follow the trend, only report on it (long after it happened).

The smartest white people are into organic, fair-trade wines made from non-grape substrates. Right now, I’m sipping a mead made from a delicate blend of tupelo honey, with a bit of buckwheat honey for added body. Later, I will uncork a simple bottle of ‘country wine’ made from agave juice, green tea, and schizandra berries. A bargain at $30 a bottle (I had to buy 2 cases to get that price).

“It is also a good idea to say that your favorite wine is from a small winery called [make up name like ‘Spotswood,’ ‘Red Duck,’ Random Spanish name] in [Australia, Argentina, France, California, or Chile] that is hard to get in whatever country you are in.”

Might I suggest a wine from New Zealand with a Maori name, such as “Matua” or “Te Kawa”. Then can make reference to another culture AND an obscure winery. Two birds, one stone. Take Caution though, “Maori” should be pronounced as “moldy”, but with a soft ‘d’.

In wine lies something like a right to superiority. When I drink wine, I understand previous centuries; they too, I tell myself, consisted of things contemporaneous and the desire to find one’s place among them. Wine makes one a connoisseur of the soul’s vicissitudes. One feels great respect for everything, and for nothing at all. Wine shimmers with tact. If you are a friend of wine, you are also a friend of women and a protector of all that is dear to them. The relations, even the thorniest, that exist between man and woman unfold like blossoms from the depths of your glass. All the songs to wine that were ever composed ought to be acknowledged as justified. “For a Dätel, that’s unsuitable,” I was admonished not long ago in a certain house. Since then I have confined myself to gazing at this house from a distance, timidly and with a sensation of oddness. Dätel is the title for a soldier. In the military, you see, I was only a common soldier. Of course, this circumstance does me immeasurable harm. In this age of perspicacity, all things come under inspection, so why not, in particular, one’s rank in the army? I see nothing amiss here.

Here’s a good white person wine story:
I was having a tasting menu at a top ten restaurant in a big US city, and got the wine tasting menu to go along with it…
My date was an Ivy League grad who had studied wine and so the sommelier decided to “test” her on one of the pairings we were “enjoying”. She got the grape right and anyway he revealed that the wine was one he himself had helped bottle at a small vineyard in New York State. I instantly realized how poor the wine had tasted and was pissed to pay $350 for a wine tasting (yes just the wines) and get some dude’s crappy homebrew. Ha!

To the blogger: you obviously have no clue about wine. First of all, wine is pretty much a “white” drink and has always been one, unless you count rice wine and other horrible Asian concoctions. So of course white people are the main wine drinkers. Asians do not drink much of it because let’s face it, not many of them can stomach alcohol very well. And blacks and Latinos do not drink it because, let’s face it, wine is not a cheap drink.

Second, if a white person indeed offers you a glass of wine, you do not ask what country it is from. You ask what grape it is, unless you can tell yourself. Obviously, you couldn’t.

This entry is right about wine, but WRONG about rose. For the last couple years, good rose has been the trendiest of wines. Really, serious, hard-core white people will be much more impressed by an expensive rose from an obscure winery than they will a white.

In fact, serving good rose can get you extra “white people wine points,” because regular white people THINK that rose is bad (like white zinfandel). You can lecture them about the “fine new crop of Chilean roses” and they will be shamed.

Be careful, though – true trendy wine snobs have already moved on from rose, to stuff like dry Austrian reislings and Moldovan reds.

Not to mention people who don’t even KNOW Zinfandel is actually a RED wine. and White Zin is, in fact, NOT white at all.

I actually take umbridge with making White Zin it’s own classification, it’s a freaking ROSE just like every other Rose, just because it got crazy popular in the late 80’s doesn’t mean it gets it’s own classification.

Yeah, I think it’s still hip over here because cheap reds tend to be vinegary and basically undrinkable, while cheap whites tend to be watery and flavorless. Rose is… well it’s rose, whether it’s cheap or expensive. It’s basically like taking a cheap red and a cheap white and mixing them together to make something with flavor that doesn’t give you immediate heartburn. Of course, what you really should do, is buy a cheap red and make sangria. But that’s just my opinion.

Yeah Willamette valley wines! I like a lot of stuff white people like. No apologies. Educated and better-off than average white people know a few good things when they see them.

FWIW I really have a hard time imagining my uncle Earl (he used to be white before he permanently sunburned his neck to this shade of glowing brick red) washing down a triple helping of sushi with a a fine Oregon pinot noir and being proud to have gay friends.

Earl would be more comfy washing hushpuppies down with PBR and hanging out at NASCAR. But don’t anybody ever suggest that according to these guidelines he might not be white. That could get ugly.

Hey, there’s nothing wrong with box wine, unless of course you are only drinking to impress. I was raised in the Napa Valley and was exposed to many fine wines; red and white, and still enjoy a glass of Franzia or Peter Vella.

Merlot is also more or less unacceptable, unless it is free (the best kind of wine is free wine). When serving wine at your house, never ever ever serve it in a plastic cup. This is wine, not the cheep ass vodka or beer you guzzled in college. The worst thing I have ever seen anyone do to wine is serve it in a plastic cup with ice. This is ultimate white trash, and it will lower everyone’s opinion of you.

i serve box wine at parties – but i bought glass carafes to serve it in so hopefully people dont know its from a box. i do serve white, red and rose. my guests are almost all white. and i am usually the only one who drinks the red wine. i also have a set of 30 wine glasses (plastic is unacceptable). just trying to keep up with the jones’.

boxed wine is the best thing since…….? forget about it, it’s the best way to drink wine, you can take it to the beach or to concerts, just pull out the bladder and if you get caught just tell the man it’s you colostomy bag……I’m a genius.

ROFLMAO, this is soooo freaking true.
I don’t know a thing about wines except that they contain alcohol…. and I have the feeling that’s true for most people.
I just can’t stand wine-snobs. Oh well, I don’t know any real ones, but the pretend ones are legion.

I lived for 20 years in the Napa Valley. It is the most boring place on earth. It has the most boring, dim witted people on earth. There is nothing to do except get drunk and talk about brix during the summer, and frost, glassy winged sharpshooter, and the Parker’s ratings the rest of the year. It’s beautiful but dull as dishwater.

Ive come on this to the conclusion that the reason white people like all of the shit on this website is the following:
If you got it like that why not experience more with your life.
Shit I golf, snowboard, rockclimb, mountain bike, live in manhattan, drive a fat asS bmw suv, fuck asian women, have plenty of black friends, got sweaters and motherfuckin t-shirts that I’LL wear on a plane to San FraCisco if I damn well fell like it. Shit Ill Even invite my lawyer to my beach house on a sunday for coffee maybe some tea while we read the fuckin New York Times. Yes the Liberal rag that sweats Barack Obama. After that we will indulge in some microbrews on my vintage sail boat.

When I get Bored ill travel the fuck where I want probably to snowboard somewhere usually Utah the whitest fuckin state there is. Ill take in some wine before I watch a film at sundance while I am there.

Just for a challenge I will go to a farmers market get some organic shit go home and order some sushi. You see I am trying to get in shape to run a fuckin marathon. After I finish the first thing I am going to do is shut of my i-pod loaded with free music, grab some bottled water and spark a fat mother fuckin spliff!!!!

YEAH I LOVE BEING AWARE OF DIVERSITY.

HOWEVER THE IRONY OF THIS WHOLE THING IS BEING WHITE FOR ME ONLY FOR ME!!! kICKS BIGTIME ASS!!

The joke here is the same as almost every other item. Basically, it is saying that white people don’t know sh*t about wine/gentrification/japan/other, nor do they even care. They pretend they know so as to appear superior to other white people. You become friends with them by allowing them to save face and pretending to be impressed knowing full well they are full of sh*t.

Any truly white person (or aspiring white person) would know that in the south of France (Provence), drinking Rose before dinner is pretty much universal. Which means that it is very cool to bring it out before dinner on the patio and make a big deal out of telling all the wine snobs that “this is what we always drank before dinner in St Remy”.

On these grounds, I think you should take both Rose and White Zin off your list of unacceptable wines.

well i guess it would seem alittle out of the relm of O.E. or Mickeys. Wine is more about enjoying a flavor that only a developed palate can appreciate, not about alcohol level and the amount of crunk one can acheive.

In my observation (humble though it is and certaintly not the authority) This is only because a lot of traditionally “white” countries (France, England, Italy to name only a few) have prominent business in wine production. For Germans and Belgians its about Beer (to my knowledge, mostly). It is because the economy is closely tied to various regions and their alcholic beverage productions.

Likewise, certain foods are invented/go well with whatever wine is being discussed/asked about. There is rhyme to the reason, but yes wine is a cultural center in a lot of white cultures.

The main attraction with the whole “we know about wine” thing is that people want to prove to others that they are cultured. Its obnoxious and sometimes can be silly, but really they are out to prove they are worth something with such things.

In my family the women (in particular because it is assumed that we will be doing the cooking) are schooled in various wines early. We also learn about beers and what dishes are better served with them. I’m not sure if this is just my family, but I have known other families of various “white” (Russian, Romanian, English and Welsh just example) persuasions that tend to use culinary teaching as a way of bonding and learning.

Americans are fond of Beer. Domestic beers (bud light, lonestar, Shiner etc.) are a highlight, but there are a few people who enjoy learning about other countries’ beers. However, I don’t see this as “uncultured” merely that the locals (like any other country/region) take pride in their local product. I live in Texas and I love Shiner beer! I also search for Texas vineyards. Its a lot of fun to see what is grown and produced locally.

Our younger generations see wine as the main way in which they can get drunk fast, but in reality it is made to be savored, and appreciated.

I realize this is a satire…Some people can be pretentious and stuck up about it (wine), but it has nothing to do with them being white. It is simply they want to show off and if you don’t “know” about whatever wine they are talking about they like to lord it over you. These people are snobs, and I can assure you that they come in all sizes, shapes and colors.

This website is funny, but in all seriousness– you can learn a lot about the stuff in here. From a “white” perspective, I am thinking about all the things in my culture that might sound strange to someone from another culture. Its fun to look from the outside in. Its also freakin’ hilarious.

Actually, I thought only white people really drank wine. The further down in South America you go, the whiter it gets and the more wine you find. Although Mexico has a couple of wines, and they do drink sangria, they typically stick with beer and Tequila. Even in Africa, the only real place they grow wine is in South Africa where again, you find only white people. Certainly there is very little wine in the Arab and Persian cultures, even in Shiraz. Although I agree wine is something white people like, I think we pretty much have the monopoly on wine consumption. Which is almost the opposite of a drink such as Guinness for instance where it is served in Africa and Caribbean even though it was made by the whitest of them all.

I used to work at a summer vacation spot where I would drive boats for rich white people. One night a group of women wanted to go on a booze cruise, and I was assigned to drive them around. The women came to the boat falling down drunk, carrying boxes of wine and plastic cups. This was the biggest joke of the evening, they all laughed about how they were drinking wine from a box, and how gross it was, but they kept drinking. I was in college at the time and I kept telling them how this party reminded me of the ones at school (which it did not), this is a good way to be the life of the party with rich middle aged white women.

The best is when white customer X has an internal meltdown because he/she can’t remember if he/she is supposed to pair some shitty chicken entree at the local price fixe with a red or white wine. Choosing the wrong one leaves the door wide open for white customers Y or Z to develop half-concealed glances of disapproval; but, I suppose, choosing the wrong one also might permit white customer X to blame the shitty chicken entree on the wine mis-pairing rather than the food itself.

Very true, although I would argue that nowadays Rose’s status has risen enough in the more fashionable metropolitan areas of this country that drinking it will make most people around you feel insecure, and they will probably start thinking they ought to be having it too. I drink it regularly–preferably from Southern France–and if anyone tries to mock me I declare confidently that Americans “just don’t get it.” I mean, who knows better, French peasants or Midwestern big-city interlopers? You also have to be white to pull this off properly, because if you’re a minority people will probably just think that it’s “a black thing” or some such nonsense. Seeing a fairly appealing-looking white guy (that’s me) drinking Rose will get everyone titillated and frankly dying to be having some too. Also, I like how it tastes.

I HATE wine! I’ve never understood the purpose of trying to find “hints” of various things (oak, berries, flowers, etc.). Wine isn’t sweet. Plus, red wine gives me such a headache. At the place where I work, people are always inflicting their wine on me. It’s like they gave birth to it and insist that you LOVE it! I always tell people that I can’t drink because I’m diabetic. I don’t know if being diabetic means you can’t drink, but claiming that it does tends to get me out of wine drinking situations. I used to date this guy who decided to try to teach me the finer points of “dining”. He always ate his pasta with a fork and a spoon. He cut his pieces of food with a knife and a fork and then would lay down the knife on the edge of the plate. He would take a glass of wine and swirl it around and say, “look at the legs on this wine! And it’s got a great nose!” I just thought it was stupid. I’d rather drink Koolaid than wine. I do like port though. It’s pretty sweet. Otherwise, to me, wine is so over blown.

OMG I hate wine too! tastes like rotten fruit. Why are people all strung out if you don’t like wine? Maybe they don’t like licorice? does everyone on the planet like the taste of soap gum?
I don’t. jeez.get over it. Wine liking just means your tastebuds work different than mine and I do not insult you for your liking it.

A couple of years ago I was invited to a wine testing party. Virtually all the participants were white. Each couple was to bring a bottle of wine costing less than $20. We sat in a circle and sampled eight bottles. We discussed each sample after tasting. One individual was particularly articulate and influenced the rest of us especially as the evening wore on. At the end we ranked the eight bottles. A French wine was name best. Second place was a surprise. It was a local Thai wine. Third place was even more of a surprise. It was a bottle composed of the dregs of the previous seven bottles!

On no account should a white person ever suggest at a restaurant that the wine might be corked. As soon as someone raises this issue the entire table will become silent. Everyone will feel very uncomfortable – is the wine corked? Or is it just because someone went for the cheap option? Who even knows what corked wine tastes like?

There will then be an extremely tense Russian Roulette scenario as each individual tries to decide whether the wine needs to be sent back (running the risk of the entire group losing status if the restaurant staff suggest it is not corked), or whether it is fine and the person who raised the issue has no knowledge of wine. He would then become a social pariah along with anyone who agreed with him. Either way the meal will be ruined and conversation will be difficult.

No-one at the table will ever suggest again that a bottle is corked, even if it is.

Fark that. The only real wine comes in a box. You can tell it’s good because it gets you drunk really quickly and for about one hundredth the cost of anything else. And no drinking wine casks (or goon bags as we call them in Australia) is not ironic, it’s sound alcoholic economics.

Now, if you REALLY want to sound white, you can say something like “Merlot is only acceptable if it comes from the right bank of bordeaux,” (if you’re going for the posh/ vinatge angle), ” or from Long Island” (if you’re going for obscurity). Look up articles from the NY Times, etc to support this argument.

And, as AJ on page 15 says, boxed wine is the best because when you go to a concert you can just pull out the bladder and take that with you … if you get caught you just tell the man it’s your colostomy bag … I luv me some AJ! 🙂

that is so true. white americans don’t know much about wine, in europe, argentina or chile, regions were wine is not only popular but good, people laugh at americans who believe wines from napa valley to be great and claim they know about wine

I am a wine writer who consumes way too much wine, usually with other white people and none of which is white zin’, which is undoubtedly one of the tackiest wines on the planet.
I love finding bargain wines from unusual places like Sicily – this is a good subject for stuff white people like.
Cheers

In all fairness, Black Box is fairly decent wine in a box. Wine companies have started putting good wine in boxes because it keeps longer because it’s an airtight seal, and much cheaper than bottling wine. Also, it’s about 25 bucks for 3 litres. For a broke college student, you really can’t beat it for quantity and quality.
I have accepted the fact that I am about as white as they come, so all I can do is pass on knowledge I have gleaned during years as a pasty elitist.
Enjoy.

what should have also been placed on this list between beer and wine is cheese. white people love cheese. not yellow american cheese, unless they are the other kind of white people. the fancier it was five years ago, the more they like it. brie, chevre, if you can find a chevre brie then you should definitely take it to a dinner party.

On heathers defense Miss V, you are actually the tacky white person/example the author makes fun of in this blog. Heather is being more honest than the rest of us about her lack of wine knowledge, and the fact that wine is wine and she just likes to have a good time. You are obviously super high maintenance.
Cheers

Anyone is capable of being pretentious! Being white has nothing to do with it. Or maybe, just maybe, it has more to do with the fact that one’s appreciation of good wine (as opposed to the mass produced shit you probably drink) is a pretty reliable indicator of one’s social class, hmm? That’s what really irks you, isn’t it?

Hate to break it to you, but rose is now acceptable by white people standards. Keep in mind, of course, that any red grape bearing white in front of it (i.e. white merlot, white zin, etc.) is still frowned upon.

One thing white people like is to make distinctions among kinds of white people so that they can “despise” some kinds of white npeople and feel different from and superior to them. Some non-white people also do this, but the point is that white people definitely like it.

The latest thing with white people is bringing their own wine to restaurants and having the staff uncork and decant for a modest fee. It’s usually a bit cheaper, you can bring as much as you want. This also allows white people to bring wines from tiny, unheard-of boutique wineries and discuss them with the steward while the other patrons look on in envy, forced to choose an overpriced wine off the menu.

Here’s a funny little secret in our white communities and suburbs….come closer….MOST OF US ARE ALCOHOLICS!!!! NO! Not lilke blacks who stand on the corner…BUT like a soccer mom who just threw back 6 shots of JACK DANIELS before she takes her kids to the game…WE ARE ALSO RESPONSIBLE FOR 80% OF ALL D.U.I.’S!!!!!!!!!

This list of “stuff white people like” is dead on! I cannot believe how stereotypical my friends and I are. And, yes, in “white culture” you must learn about wine. The joke is that once you have finished your PhD, the next thing you MUST learn about, or at least pretend to have an extensive amount of knowledge on is WINE! We also do not order a bottle of wine in front of other white people that are not our close friends unless we know EVERYTHING about that specific vintage.

This blog is very cute and very accurate. Rose is making a comeback though, just so you all can keep up. One of my friends who is in his early 50’s, born in Wales, and spent about half his life in California and the other half in the UK and France is a HUGE snob and wine critic. He thinks I’m a loser and a troglodyte (his word) because I STILL do not care for Rose or Sparkling Rose’s. I can’t do it though, Roses and blushes just don’t taste that great to me. I need my wine so dry I can light my breath on fire after I polish off a bottle.

Oh and one other thing, wine snobs (white people) are lushes in respectable people’s clothing, so if you want to keep up you’ll be expected to develop a wooden leg so you can polish off whole bottles at parties and dinners.

i don’t feel like this is a question that needs an explanation. if you don’t know why white zin and white merlot are laughed at by the knowledgeable wine drinking population, then you aren’t part of it. enjoy your beringer.

That’s ridiculous! yet funny… so many rules and things you have to do to be a white person. I love wine of all sorts don’t discriminate… Trader Joe’s has the almighty 2 buck chuck that’ll knock your socks off!

the game is like this: someone holds up the bag in the middle of a circle, someone else cmes in a and slaps it really hard and subsequently chugs from the tao for a suffiently gross amout of time. It actually isn’t a game at all. Which is why it’s even more ironic. FRAAAAZIA!!!

oh shit…. well I guess everyone’s wrong then… In high school I used to get called “THE white girl” because I am so pasty- but I can’t possibly be a white person and like wine in a box???!!! BWAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAH…

Seriously, your blog cracks me up… I should add it to the list of things THIS white person likes…

Pinot grigio must be the new chardonnay. And of course sweet white wine is really not done… except with deserts; or with strawberries, as in Brideshead Revisited.
One thing strikes me though, much as I like this site: it’s one thing to be after distinctions (I like French films), another to be ironic about being after distinctions (white people say they like French films so that you’re wowed by their refined taste). It’s yet another matter to see that being ironic about distinction is itself higher-order snobbery (blanc de blanc one might say). Now I’ve set myself up of course.

Wow, this person knows so much about white culture! Isn’t it amazing that they’ve managed to learn so much about it while clearly finding it offensive. Ironic since they don’t like it when white folks attempt to learn about their culture.

Food and drink are an important part of one’s culture and wine knowledge goes along with that. I guess when you’ve wiped out your senses sniffing petrol or glue or whatever, the subtleties of a good wine are hard to fathom.

This shit is written by a white guy? Man, I completely retract all of my racist statements from other posts… well, not really… because its all true. But yeah, I’m giving this guy about a fucking zero on wine knowledge. Acceptable Wines; Red, White (less so)? Really? Red is acceptable? And so is white? God, and all this time I’ve been drinking the purple stuff. After red and white you’re pretty much left with ports and dessert/ice wines.

Ps. Thunderbird… that’s gonna miss about 99.7% of the white population. Boones Farm? Unless they’re in a fraternity and/or listen to early Kid Rock that’s out the window also.

Wine is booze. no different than vodka, or other depressants like oxycontin or morphine.

It is elitist depressant “beverage” ,hence more acceptable to talk about it, read about it, fanticize about it, obsess over it etc….. It is still booze. If the same fanaticism where were for oxycontin, vodka, bourbin, whiskey etc….that would be frowned about. Many functional alcholics use wine as a guise to prevent people from seeing that they are alkies. Period. Since wine is acceptable in elite circles, (especially in white washed wealthy drunk-alcholic places like Santa Barbara, CA), their addiction is hidden because it is common place to obsess over this booze. Oxycontin/Vodka Enthuiast, Oxycontin/Whiskey Spectator, etc…what is the difference?!?! Drink everyday====alcoholic.

SWPL is an act of pure self-love by a white guy who regards himself as a member of what he regards as a pretty cool sub-class in white American culture. People are fucking in love with themselves: this is all ye know on earth and is all ye need to know.

YOu are wrong about Rose, at least dry Rose… it shows you are that much more sophisticated that you appreciate it, and not scared to admit it. This is the ultimate trump in whiteness over your peers! I’m not talking about Lancers or Mateus by the way… has to be French (from Provence is best) or perhaps Spanish.

drinking sour grapes (wine) everyday is an alternative form of alcoholism–except it is socially acceptable to most elitist whites especially those with useless college and grad “school” degrees.

It is a form of alcoholisim when drunk everyday. Regardless of white dopes that say good in “moderation”, good for you—whatever; drinking everyday is a functional alcoholic– no different than drinking vodka, bourbon, whiskey everyday and talking about OCDing about it, and subscribing to literature (mags/newsletters) about the product.

YOU ARE AN ALCOHOLIC. except many surround themselves with white dopes and other sheeple that agree with wino mentalities and cannot think for themselves without living off off das trustfund/or twattering someone. Elitist–golf, “organic,” horses, and winos. Sit on a park bench with a good bottle of alcohol and strike up a conversation with the wino.

I would have to disagree with boxed wine being unacceptable – white peoplelike sustainability and some boxed wines are being advertised as being better for the environment because you can recycle the box, and it contains four bottles of wine. Franzia is still unacceptable, but Bota Box, now available in many stores, seems like an acceptable brand for white people.

I’m in a high-risk for developing alcoholism, therefore I’m not a wine drinker and rarely have a beer. The beverage of choice for always busy white people is coffee, energy drinks or good ol’ American soda pop…the no. 1 cause of obesity in this country. All that sugar, calories and carbs sure can make you fast, empty stuff like beer gives you a pot belly. Oh snap! We have diet sodas, white people drink more of that. I seen businessmen in suits have diet coke (not much diet pepsi, tastes better) with chicken salads in luncheons.+

or Chilean wine, better than its ancestral grape subspecies out of Bordeaux. The Central valley of Chile does a good job, though it costs less than Australian competitors: Yellow Tail (chardonnay, merlot, shiraz, etc.) is OK, but tastes dry compared to Sutter Home (its’ white zinfandel is drier). +

Box wine is hip with white college kids, breaking a previous cruel racial and classist stereotypes of who’s seen with the box wine the most. I had wild vines before, like mixing fruit juices and wine together for an extra kick. Boones’ farm is a “kick back in the back yard bench”. Night train, any one? +

Because you seen another person drink, thought he/she is cool or in the “in” crowd, and your parents or society you came from may tolerate, allow, shun or prohibit alcoholic drinks. Sure, when you’re over 21 the drinking age in the US nobody would bother you drinking, then again, lots of people in the US seems uptight with an occassional drink. +

My apologies in case anyone is offended, and I forgot to add Shintoists are known to use alcoholic beverages in religious ceremonies (sakie, the rice wine). The info. about the Baptists from Mom’s side and Catholics from Dad’s side, because my Mom never touched a beer until in her 30’s and my Dad was 5 when he was first given wine in communion! +

Why do white folk wine all day and night; they love watching the john stewart leibowitz show where they can have funny satire about the govt. lackies that do-nothing, haha, hah, time to have some more wine or is that whine? why isn’t the John Leibowitz show, is he embarassed about being Jewish?

Wine, it’s not just for Frenchies anymore. 😀 Ever since the first award-winning Californian wine won first prize in the 1970’s, the whole wine industry changed. Napa valley is a white person’s paradies, since traveling to France is a 8 hour flight from San Francisco. Oh yeah, the French-Italian vineyards are hand picked by mostly Mexican farm laborers (don’t tell them that). +

What did you take a poll to see how many white people drink what…..damm your life is boring. I really think you need counceling. Maybe your cure could be some Mountain Dew. Heard it also lowers your sperm count….because of course we wouldnt want people like you to breed.

Saw a black folk taking a shit on the side of the road the other day in pure daylight. had no toilet paper so used his shirt. Saw some other black folk smoking crack down the street…..this was in North Las Vegas.

And we all know you listen to that Kid Rock shit. POSER!!! Oh wait…..I forgot….all white people say Poser right….and do we lift the left or the right cheek right before we pass gas? Hurry up and blog that one.

As a winemaker I can tell you this is only the tip of the iceburg. People have always used wine knowladge a social wepon to make them self feel more superior. Its always amusing when they try it on me, and then to see the look on their face when they find out what I do for a living.

Rose wine is acceptable in Europe but only during the summers though. Men are also allowed to drink it but generally only at home. If you are sitting outside you have a white beer. In my country, The Netherlands, anyway 🙂

Ha ha. A group of friends and I had to take boxed wine into an all day outdoor concert recently because glass bottles weren’t allowed. We took photos of ourselves to prove that we were ironically drinking our boxed White Zinfandel and didn’t actually think that it was an acceptable wine to drink.

You have failed to note mentioning that wine is better in a certain country.

Being challenged on like a particular wine, Bordeaux for example, can be instantly defeated by saying that France keep the best batches for themselves. This makes you look doubly impressive as it shows you are both travelled and knowledgeable on wine.

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It’s all a matter of taste, my friend. You can’t say the “best” wines are from Spain, Fance [sic] and Italy if you like Riesling, for example, because then the best wines are from Germany and the Clare Valley of Australia. Or what if you like Torrontés (Argentina) or Zinfandel (Croatia / California)?

We white people have very nuanced tastes when it comes to wine. There’s great wine in France, Spain and Italy, of course. There’s also great wine in Argentina, Chile, Australia, New Zealand, and the good ol’ USA. Sorry Spanish guy.

Due to the terrible recession, debt/foreclosures & loss of jobs/income, there’s a drink commonly adapted by all races and classes in the year 2010: KOOL-AID. About 20-25 cents a pack, unless you’re going for Wal-mart brand and Kroger Cool splashers brand for 10-15 cents each. Cheaper per liter, less sugar (get sugar-free kinds) and lasts a lot longer for the family.

There are so many out there, and it takes so long to research (drink) them all, you simply can’t. So, the best thing you can do is try a bunch out, find a few that you like, and stick to the ones you like.

You can’t prove wine snobs (or fund brokers) wrong, because with so many choices out there, at some point it comes down to subjectivity.

I think the same principle applies to anything that has a million different varieties to choose from: pet animals, herbal shampoos, funny t shirts, favorite actresses, toilet paper, etc.

Heh. I’d love to see toilet paper consumers be as snobbish as wine “connoisseurs.”

“I like Costco brand toilet paper.”
“Ew! How could you use that stuff? It comes in a case!”
“So? It’s inexpensive, and absorbant, and feels nice.”
“You don’t know what you’re talking about. Charmin is far better.”
“Whatever, snob. Where’s my box of white zin?”

Oh my GOD! My husband is so much whiter than I (note my grammar though). He loves sea salt, preferably from the Dead (or Red?) Sea. He thinks recycling is the single most important thing a human being can do for the planet, and puts all the plastic bottles he buys, in the plastic recycling tub he bought, to save the world from all the plastic he needs. He loves micorbrews, but not from Colorado, oh no! He prefers the Alaskan micro-micros, or the Arrogant Bastards who all come from San Diego. He loves wine, but California wines, hah, he scoffs. He enjoys the Argentinian Malbecs we had in Buenos Aires enroute to our envornmentally correct trip to Antarctica or the Cote de Rhones from the Rhone region of Italy. I drink wine from a box, do not recycle (gasp!) and my preferrred salt is Mortons. I did however quit my job, move to the country, where I pick my own fruit from my own orchard as I am a “most advanced white person.” I hadn’t considered radicchio though……. Ya think?

White people, well all people, also enjoy http://www.NakedHipster.com. Mainly because the girls are hot and don’t have clothes on. Usually those two things go well together. You know, the hotness and the nakedness.
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White people, well all people, also enjoy http://www.NakedHipster.com. Mainly because the girls are hot and don’t have clothes on. Usually those two things go well together. You know, the hotness and the nakedness.
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You know, I never knew how white I was until I started reading this blog. And it might be good to add that white people like to read about what white people like. It is very entertaining to us. Thanks!

It’s sad that I only came across this because I typed “white people and wine” into google for lack of a better phrase to search. I am currently writing a paper along the lines of the sub culture of wine in a “wine region” and began making connections between race and this wonderful alchoholic beverage. (Not that I can use this as scholarly research or anything, but it provided a nice work break.) This blog is totally hilarious. Keep up the good work.

This Clander is so stupid that he doesn’t even know that fortified wine is like Vintage Port or Harvey’s Bristol Cream. Wines that all Whites drink unless they are shit poor morons from Podunk, sort of like dopey Negroes just paler.

Oh my god what is wrong with this post. Since when is “white” a culture? It is just a color, and there are so many diverse cultures in which mainly white people live. And second of all, if you so determine “white” to be a culture, then not many cultures have wines. Do you know why? Because only countries with mostly white people make wine!

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I like your maddog, all fired up on fortified shit. Get me a pint, and go stemming, one asshole threw a finger in my cup, now I am a junkie scum living in a trailer park, worst shit hole in the world jail would be an upgrade.