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Born for Love: Welcome

When Dr. Perry and I set out to write about empathy, we knew it was a hot topic in neuroscience and we knew it had wide-ranging implications. But I had no idea just how big a task we'd set for ourselves. Every day, new studies and new stories about empathetic or extremely un-empathetic behavior appear. There are new books and intriguing results in economics, psychology, history, psychiatry and education-and many others. It's almost impossible to keep up.

In this blog, we want to highlight some of the data and ideas we couldn't include in our book, Born for Love: Why Empathy is Essential-and Endangered, which comes out in April. We want to point out important new research and connect it to our ideas about why empathy is so important to everything from child development to economic growth. We'd also love to hear from others interested in this topic-and start a discussion about the aspects of empathy that matter most.

In Born for Love, we present the argument that empathy is a natural human quality like language-one that relies on specific early experiences to develop properly. We argue that when these experiences of nurture and human contact are present for children, families, cultures and economies tend to flourish. When these early experiences are absent, however-and this is increasingly the case in the environments inhabited by today's children-creative thought, progress and economic growth are threatened.

By showing how the brain depends on social connection to cope with stress-and how this requires empathy-- we make connections that we believe must be understood to provide healthy educational, legal and social structures for children and families.

We hope you'll join us in our journey to explore these ideas-we want to engage and explore empathy in the brain, in our culture and in the world.

My next post will be more specifically related to news, in this instance, the situation in Haiti and the question of orphanages and what this has to do with empathy. If it's not up tomorrow, it will be here on Friday!

Have you done any research on the lack of empathy in people with PTSD? I experienced several traumatic events close together about 15 years ago and had symptoms of PTSD. I still have some symptoms such as a lack of empathy. I know what I should be feeling and when I should feel it, but I don't have a lot "feelings" or emotions of any kind anymore. Of course I try not to show this, but I think people can sense it and it hasn't helped my social life at all. I wish I could have my feelings and emotions back. Maybe somebody will come up with a pill for this someday.

Could such a feeling of a lack of empathy; post a devastating emotional/psychological, even physical event, which has resulted in PTSD, possibly be an innate involuntary, sub- or unconscious response; a self protecting mechanism to guard against a further or potential ‘insult’ on such (emotions, feelings, psychological state and physical being)?.........a thought...
Perhaps your feeling of lacking empathy (by degrees) is a result of your emotions/feelings etc., still being in a partial state of 'shell-shock' from the original upsetting occurrence for you?
The mental/emotional/psychological (even physical) strength and reserves we all have can be ‘battered’, depleted and severely ‘assaulted’ when confronted with a situation (event) which devastates our overall wellbeing.
Given that it can take anywhere from weeks or months or years to rebuild these strengths and reserves, we, in the meantime may find ourselves losing or experiencing a weakening of our ability to empathetically respond to even, for example, social scenarios. The ‘energy’, sometimes, is difficult to muster to respond empathetically and even emotionally. Regaining such can be like rebuilding your house brick by brick, after it has just been knocked down in a storm, and any approaching perceived or potential ‘storm’ or ‘interference’ or distraction (e.g., demand for social activity) during the process can be met with emotional distancing (intentional or not) or even disinterest.
If we have once been an empathetic individual, in the general sense, we know we have capabilities of this potential in the future – even if, because of our traumatic past experience has rendered us feeling incapable of such at the present time. Time, patience and kindness to and with self, self care (emotionally, physically, psychologically etc.) and some quality assistance, I feel, will help rebuild what we wish to achieve.
Our perceptions of life, involving empathy, may be permanently altered/changed in some way (a natural response) due to the experiencing of a ‘shattering’ event, which led to (and including) the PTSD, and that needn’t be negative by nature.
I experienced PTSD (two tragedies – personal) after a couple of very upsetting events quite a few years ago (in the same year), and it did alter my empathetic response to some things and some people for a while.
Some ‘shattering’ events can leave you possibly doubting many things about yourself (including empathy here); leave you with feelings of ‘coldness’, disengagement from many things and people (social aspects) and so on...whilst you mentally/emotionally/psychologically try to make sense of what you have just or are experienced (ing).
When one feels they ‘should’ be responding (empathetically, for example) and aren’t doing so (perhaps like they used to), it can lead one to anger or frustration or confusion or sadness about this, which is a ‘pressure’ on self that one doesn’t need.
Working through those feelings, fears and concerns with someone you truly trust (professional or otherwise); perhaps loosening up with ‘laughing’ at the things that make/made you laugh (e.g. your favourite funny movie); new relaxing hobbies; hobbies which help burn off energy......ultimately, it is whatever is best for you individually. It is such a personal experience, just as was the event/s which brought on the PTSD for you.

Thanks for posting, Louise and so sorry to hear about what you've gone through. Trauma can indeed numb people and sometimes cause problems with empathy. You can see this a lot in physicians and other emergency workers who have to deal with traumatic situations all the time and often become "cold" in order to deal. Like many things, this is an adaptive response that can also cause problems.

Thanks for your reply Maia.
The particular events, which occurred for me, were quite a few years ago now. Time, an optimistic outlook, a strong sense/understanding of self, amongst other 'good' things have been positive influences in how I 'moved forward' from these things.
I think when one is 'struck' with a somewhat mute empathetic response (or numbed 'holding pattern') to social or other situations (post a traumatic experience/s), it can for some be quite debilitating. It can even present as a traumatic experience (fear/anger/unscertainty of this inability to respond empathetically) in itself.

A re-introduction (revisiting) to ones own pre-trauma emotions/feelings in a quality helping situation (professional or other) and gaining a clear awareness and understanding of the presenting empathy 'numbness', can go a long way to remedying many concerns associated with that empty feeling or inability to empathise/emote.

It is a very interesting topic and I hope the first post-er in this discussion (this thread topic) feels understood, even in a small way ;)

Yes, thank you. I do feel somewhat understood by you. When you wrote the word "shattering" - that about says it. I have tried to get back to being myself - the person I was before this happened and I can't really even remember what I was like. I know I was a happy and very optomistic person then. I had lots of friends and activities I enjoyed. Now I have no friends and nothing interests me.
I have seen several psychologists and I take Paxil, but life just seems almost like an endurance now. I just exist now. This has been this way for 15 years. In 1996 my brother commited suicide, 6 months later my Mom died from cancer, and 2 months after that my Dad committed suicide. Then a few miserable years later my husband left me - basically because I wasn't any fun anymore. I pretty much stayed home, alone, isolated for about a decade.
For 15 years - EVERYTHING has turned bad. My son drinks, my other brother doesn't talk to me. People have taken advantage of me. Nothing good ever happens anymore. - I know I'm feeling sorry for myself, but I just don't know what else to think.....or do.
I really tried everything I could think to do for about 4 years to find something I enjoyed. I tried making new friends and even online dating! But there is obviously something wrong with me because I couldn't make any friends and never got a 2nd date!
I feel like my emotions are broken. I don't really even get sad anymore. I'm flatlining.

Sometimes, I feel, that the 'flatlining' you metioned can be because we may feel we have, even temporarily, used all of our responding/emotional action//reaction energy up, because of the impact on the emotions and physical energy of the shocking events that have caused us to be this way.
You really have endured many very upsetting events in your life. And, understand how life-changing this could have been for you.
Though we sometimes may not initially believe so, there is a light at the end-of-the-tunnel (a more positive future) possible for us if we allow ourselves to be blame free for those events which were out of our control; when we allow ourselves to even move our lives' on and forward in a new direction; when we free ourselves of any e.g. guilt or anger (which we may unjustly apply to ourselves, e.g. "If only I had...."); when we know that our life won't be the same as it was before and be able to say to ourselves that that is 'ok'.....and so on......in conjunction with finding a suitable person (professional or acquaintance?) to help you through the process.
Grief, sadness and numbness are a very natural response to trauma/s.
Writing your feelings and thoughts down (journal?) is very therapeutic too.
These are just some thoughts for you. I hope it has helped in some small way.
Wishing you well - peace in your heart - and a new door opening to your future ;)

Oh, what a horrible series of things for any human being to have to undergo. No wonder you are depressed and feeling flatlined! (This is also called "anhedonia" -- it's a depression symptom where you are physiologically unable to feel good feelings and that makes everything seem grey and hopeless. I hope you will consider going back to doctor and trying different meds-- there are many and most people can find one that works to lift this horrible thing).

I hope you are continuing to seek help-- and if meds aren't working, you are seeing someone who knows how to find better ones for you and that you are also trying some kind of talk therapy. Cognitive behavioral therapy sounds like it might be very, very useful in your situation because after having so many terrible things happen, it's not surprising that you are seeing the world very darkly.

Don't stop trying till you find something-- there are so many approaches out there now and if something doesn't work, it's totally fine to try a different therapist or psychiatrist till you find something that does.

Please don't despair and please remember to have compassion for yourself, too.

Thank you both for your comments and suggestions.
I live in very rural/remote area in the mountains in Colorado so it's difficult to go see a thereapist 30 miles away. Plus, I was alone for so long that I find it difficult to talk to people now, especially about anything having to do with emotions. But I think I might try online therapy, at least then I won't have an excuse to not go.
I think I'm past the guilt and anger, but a "(a MORE positive future)" doesn't seem possible. It took a very long time for me to start to feel better, but then it's like that got to a certain point and just stopped and now I'm stuck in this lifeless void.

Well, I've taken up enough of your time and I think it might be getting a little off the subject this was meant for.
Thank you again. It always helps to hear a kind word and good suggestions.

I am thrilled to become aware of the blog you have created and your new book.
This information is so critical. It is my deepest desire to create a very real awareness of early brain development and the impact of early experiences.
In my experience,I find the majority of people know very little about emotional development. Through many people sharing we CAN create understanding. Since we ALL benefit from ALL children with well developed brains, EVERYONE needs to get involved. Your blog is a wonderful effort toward making this happen.

Thanks for your important contributions to further understanding. Hopefully this will soon become common knowledge!

I am a Child and Adolescent Psychiatrist who leads a regional Inpatient Unit for youth in the interior of British Columbia (Kelowna, BC). We use the practice of "collaborative problem solving" (authored by Dr Ross Greene) as our principal means of "behaviour management" on our psychiatric unit and have experienced success at minimizing aggressive episodes in youth and the need for chemical or physical restraint (nearly zero). I have read your recent work with enormous relish.

I sincerely hope that we are seeing the dawning of a new age of understanding of human behaviour that will eventually replace the entrenched behavioural paradigm that is so pervasive in parenting practices, schools and society in general. Rifkin's work "the Empathic Civilization" suggests there are counterbalancing forces at work here. I am encouraged by the increasing scholarly awareness of the critical developmental science which reveals the importance of attachment and empathy in our species but am at the same time disheartened by the social trends (vividly explored in your work) which highlight the risks of social breakdown. It is indeed a critical time for our society and indeed our species.

Bruce, your work has strongly influenced our communities here in the Okanagan. Mental health practitioners routinely refer to your framework of understanding. I am delighted having just read both of your works that this influence is of such high quality.

I look forward to following your blog and the next time either of you are in our region I would be delighted to make your acquaintance.