Hi my name is Nickole Renee and I am a M to F transgender person. It is hard for me to explain why but to say this. I feel like my brain and my soul doesn’t match with my body. I feel uncomfortable with myself but I want somewhat happy. Since I have been

Hi my name is Nickole Renee and I am a M to F transgender person. It
is hard for me to explain why but to say this. I feel like my brain
and my soul doesn’t match with my body. I feel uncomfortable with
myself but I want somewhat happy. Since I have been letting myself be
who I really am inside, I have been a lot happier and confident in
myself. I take care of myself and my household better, I care about
things more and all around I think that I am a better person because
of my decision.

How I see myself

Before when I looked at myself I saw someone that people said that
was handsome, smart, and funny. The problem was the handsome part, I
never saw that. What I saw did someone beautiful want to come out,
someone that wanted to be pretty and looked nice and smell nice like a
girl does. But I thought that it was wrong, so I hid my real self out
and I put on the look that men are supposed to be like so I thought.
When I was 25 I got married to a girl and I acted like the male but as
time went on I felt like she was more the man then I was. I was verbal
abuse and mentally abuse by her and I felt trapped and hopeless. She
would trap me into a corner and yell at me for hours and hours, or
throw stuff at me and sometimes get a knife at me. I spent 4 years
living like that and I only hit her one time and I was paid back when
I did. Thanks to of my friends, they took me and made me stay in a
hotel room for two days and when I returned she was gone and all that
she left me was the water bed and a black and white TV. After that I
swore that I would never let anyone do that to me again. I have been
drinking alcohol a lot while I was with her to handle the stress, but
after I met the wrong people and I started to use coke cane and I have
already been smoking pot before. I got really unhappy with myself
because I felt like I have failed my life and I didn’t care about
anything, but in the back of my mind that piece of me wanted to get
out. I started selling and dealing drugs, getting to know the right
people to hang with and so on, but at night when I was alone I would
let my secret out of the closet and be who I knew was the real me, I
did that until I met my second wife. After we dated for two or three
months I told her about myself and I dress up as a woman, but she I
think put it in the back of her mind I never told her but while she
was out, I would try on some of her things it felt so right to me
trying things on but I knew that it was wrong too. After a few months
I went off, she made me mad as heck so I started throwing stuff at her
and she left me, she left me and I knew that we was supposed to be
together And now I was all alone again. And the funny thing was is
that I knew that we were supposed to have a child together. I might
sound crazy but that is what God told me. When she left I did not want
to live any more. After I stop crying I went into the bathroom and I
tried to open pill bottles because I didn’t want to live, I felt like
I failed my life again and I wanted to go away and I felt that if I
did that, I would not have to be that person that I was not. Well I
couldn’t get the lids off the bottles, so I went out and I thought
that I would get run over by someone. Well that night every light that
I came to turned red for the other traffic and there was hardly any
one out that night. Well I went back to the apartment and I got down
on my knees crying and I ask God “God if you are real, please show me.
Take all of the bad things out of my life and bring the things that
you want back in to my life“. The next morning I throw all of my
drugs, pot and my alcohale down the toilet. That day my girl friend
came back and three months, and later we got married and 8 months
later Zach was borne. The first two or three years was going good but
after that something happened that really made me mad and it made me
feel like she didn’t care about me or my feelings, she gave away my
t-shirt collection that I have been collecting for years. I ask why
did you do that, I mean it wasn’t a big thing for her but for me it
was a lot. Her answer was that a church group came by and wanting some
close for the homeless. I ask her what she gave away of hers, she said
nothing. I was so mad that I wanted to leave but Zach is why I didn’t
go. As time went on things started to get bad between us and we would
fight a lot because of Zach and other things, once I got home from
work my wife had Zach cleaning the bathroom at the age of 5, I was
pissed. I felt like taking him and going, but I didn’t because of that
feeling of failing again. I kept with it intill she told me that she
wanted to go see some old friends out of town, when she return our
helper help her in the shower and came out to tell me that she had
marks on her and right there I knew that was over. I was so stupid
though I had let her stay in the house for about two months after with
him calling her late at night with me in the bed, that hurt a lot ,
but if I ask her to not have him call here she just ignored me.
Throughout my life it has been I feel anyway that I have been the
female in the relationship, and I am the one that gets abuse.

I started counciling about three years ago and with that I have
realized that I have to be who I feel like and not try to please
anyone but myself. I have been dressing as Nickole for a long time but
most recently a lot more. I have been happier and I have learned a lot
about myself too. I really think that I am a better person because of
the change. Although now it is part time, I know who I am and it’s not
wrong being that person. Life is strange and it throws you a lot of
curve balls, but when it all comes down to it. You have to be who you
are, and I am Nickole Renee Mensch.

How I feel about God How do I feel about God? God is
my rock that I stand on, he is why I am the way I am. Yes I may be
disabled and like I said in the wrong body, but God doesn’t make junk.
I know that a lot of people will say or are saying “if he doesn’t make
junk, than why are you doing what you are doing? “ and my answer is
why did he make me this way. I have change so many people lifes
throughout my life time, maybe this is the way to make people think
about the gay and transgender community. I know that people will talk
behind my back or call me names, but they did that to Jesus. I will
never be like him and I don’t want to be, but if I can change people
ways of thinking, I will know that I have done my part and lived my
life to the fullest.

I was diagnosed with a condition called Gender Identity Disorder.
Gender Identity Disorder (AKA: Transgender) about 3 years ago witch is
a medical condition where the gender of the body and the gender of the
brain don’t match. The only treatment for this is correcting the
body’s gender to match the brain with surgeries. This surgeries cost a
lot of money and most insurances will only pay part or nothing at all.
Every morning when I wake up, I just want to be that woman that I know
I am and not have this birth defect between my legs anymore. Sometimes
I am so depress that I have this defect. The money that is raised will
go to the surgeries cost and the medical bills. Will you please donate
and help me become the person that I know that I am, and so I can live
my life to the fullest, Thank you

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