Tuesday, August 18, 2009

i thought you'd mean it.

Me and Him Call It Us is the band I wish I was in. Sure, it would be over now, but there would be that sense of accomplishment for making the noise I currently do as a half-hearted joke. I wish National Sunday Law Crisis would be more, but it's never really played out like that. I can't find anyone interested in grind, I can't find any jazz guitarists willing to experiment, and I want to try this in a new group of people.

Unfortunately, new people aren't that easy to come by.

I almost didn't write about this. I had a different ending, I was willing to just bypass it, maybe try and play it down. But it feels so strange to be rejected by someone you worked so hard for, even if I have spent the last few years rejecting him. Although, that is the reason behind my resentment. As a child, no one wants to be seen as responsible for their father's death. And considering I was probably the reason behind the divorce, I thought I may as well give it my all to make sure he didn't kill himself. And then he found a reason to be happy, and I wasn't needed anymore.

The idea of being replaced is something I've grown to fear so much. I try to make myself essential to my friends, try to offer something they could never replace. I guess that could be another reason behind National Sunday Law Crisis; something unique and unforgettable. It's really not. It's not funny, it's not good. It's memorable, but for all the wrong reasons. Maybe that's why I fit into it so well. Maybe that's why I desire for it to succeed so much. Maybe if this awful thing can find it's way into the hearts of some, the same could be said for me.

Really, if I cared for my friends, I'd encourage them to replace me. After all, I'm the one who condones editing a friend group to make it the best of the best. Keeping me in is a stupid play on any account. I'm a liability, a wild card depending on the day. Anyone who I've had respect for thus far should know that, and should deal with that accordingly.

It's just another one of those fucking nights where I realize nothing is going right anymore, and I'm powerless to fix it.