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Tuesday, 12 December 2017

The cats and I made a new friend, who betrayed us almost straight away.

Mr D has a friend who is learning to be a vet nurse. She comes to visit sometimes and we all like her very much. She is very nice to animals.

Well today, she came to visit and she brought another friend with her. She said this new friend wanted to meet us too.

So Percy and I went to greet this new human, hoping for scratches and tummy rubs. Bumpy was clearly a bit smarter than us, and stayed away a bit.

Well, after a few pats, this new person brought out a stethoscope, a thermometer and some needles. This was all very suspicious. Then she proceeded to act like a v-e-t.

She listened to us, and poked and prodded, stuck that terrible cold thermometer you-know-where, and then gave us all needles.

Well I think pretending to be a new friend when you're actually a v-e-t is a terrible betrayal of an animal's trust.

Bumpy thought so too. He was very uncooperative, so much so that he had to be wrapped up in a towel. The v-e-t called him a kitty burrito.

Well, that was very, very traumatic, but afterwards, Mum gave Percy and Bumpy some Temptations, and gave me a pig's ear. (Actually, Miss C and her partner gave me the pig's ear, but Mum had been keeping it in the fridge for me until today.)

Percy asked me if I wanted to share my pig's ear, and Bumpy started to walk over to investigate as well, so I picked it up and ran full-speed right to the back fence. Those cats couldn't catch me!

All in all it was sort of a good day, except for the terrible bit. I think I need a nap now.

See you next time (unless you're a v-e-t, then you and your thermometer can stay away),
Licks and tail wags,
Miss Fantasia Dog.

Friday, 5 May 2017

Yesterday was Mum's birthday, and she had cupcakes as a birthday cake.

That's not the sad part. The sad part is I did not get any cupcakes.

When Mum has baked cupcakes before, I might possibly have stolen some from the cooling racks. That always seemed to make Mum sad for some reason.

So this time I didn't do that. I was very polite and waited to be given one.

Do you know what Mum did with the cupcakes after they'd cooled. She mixed up butter and cream and icing sugar and made butter-cream icing. I've never had butter-cream icing, but it looks and smells like something I would like very much.

Then Mum and Mr D each had a cupcake. I looked at Mum, and licked my mouth. She didn't seem to understand. So I went to Mr D and gave him a very hard look, and licked my mouth. He didn't seem to understand.

Then they threw their cupcake wrappers in the bin.

I checked my food dish. They had definitely forgotten to put my cupcake in the dish, there was just dog food there.

So I took the cupcake wrappers out of the bin to chew the crumbs off. I ate a bit of paper as well, but I did get the taste of cake.

Then Mum caught me raiding the bin. She seemed unhappy with that as well.

So I showed her my food bowl, which had some dog food in it, but no cupcake.

Mum said no cupcakes for me!

Really, that's what she said.

I keep checking my dish in case she's changed her mind, and I occasionally take a cupcake wrapper from the bin.

Hopefully, Mum will decide to give me my very own cupcake before they're all gone.

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Thursday, 13 April 2017

It's true that I've been hanging around home yesterday and today, and not going very far at all.

The humans have even commented that I seem to be underfoot. Well, their big clumsy feet shouldn't be over me.

While Mum has suggested that something may have happened to frighten me on my night out, I'm not saying anything.

Mr D says it's just because I missed my wet food when I didn't come for dinner.

They can speculate all they like. You can too, if you want. It doesn't matter. This little kitty's mouth is firmly shut. I'm not telling you what I did, where I went, or whether or not I was with anyone. Nothing happened. No-one saw. You have no proof.

I went out and stayed out late because I wanted to.

I'm hanging around home and being "clingy" with the humans now because I want to.

That's it.

Nothing to see here, move along.

It's still none of your business. Go away.

Until next time we meet in the Bloggosphere,
I remain,

Mr Bumpy,
Bloggercat,
Supreme Feline Overlord.

The Paw of Justice
(Wait, no that's not me. I don't have a secret superhero identity. Don't tell anyone I said that. That's someone else entirely. You're imagining things.)

Have you ever envisioned yourself as a patron of the
arts, but don't have the money of a Medici? I'm told Patreon is the 21st
century way of sponsoring artists of all types. You can be a patron of my
writing for as little as $1 a month. Patrons will receive electronic copies of each new book I write.

Wednesday, 12 April 2017

"Go away. Can't you see I'm having myall-important 47th nap of the day." -Mr Bumpy.

Hello out there in the Bloggosphere,

I'm led to believe the humans were worried about me last night, and a little angry at me this morning.

What can I say? I don't care. I am the Supreme Feline Overlord, and everyone else can just deal with it.

So I chose to stay out last night after lock-up time. I was doing something. It's none of your business what I was doing.

Yes, I heard the humans calling and calling. It didn't matter. I know the one-way cat door will always let me in later.

I might have missed dinner, but I didn't feel like wet food, and there's always dry food available.

So I stayed out as late as I liked, doing what I liked, and I came in when I liked.

Then I puked on the couch, woke Mum up and insisted she lie on her back so I could rest in the sphinx position on top of her with my rump under her chin. Of course, I demanded she stroke me exactly five times. (More or less and I would have bitten her.)

Mum suggested I was a little old for this kind of behaviour, which is just plain ridiculous. I'm in the prime of my life. I'm not going to be contained by "catproofing" on the fences, and I'm not going to be constrained by any of the humans' silly "rules".

Fanta and Percy claim to have had a more pleasant evening with me gone. Maybe I should stay home, and make sure they don't forget who is boss.

Anyway, I am going to have my all-important 47th nap of the day now, so go away.

Until next time we meet in the Bloggosphere,
I remain,

Mr Bumpy,
Bloggercat,
Supreme Feline Overlord.

Patrons
of my writing receive a free electronic copy of each new book I release.

You can
become a patron for as little as $1 a month (up to any amount you choose.)

Tuesday, 11 April 2017

You've probably noticed the Patreon link appearing on the end of each post. If you haven't encountered it before, Patreon is a system for people to support writers and other artists. It's kind of like a continuing kickstarter or gofundme.

Patrons pay creators of blogs, art, music, etc, a set amount per post or per month.

So why would you become a patron of my writing? Here's a few reasons:

You love to read one or more of my blogs, and you think $1 or even more per month is good value for the information or entertainment you get out of them.

You want the rewards: for $1 per month, you will receive a copy of the electronic version of each new novel I write.

More rewards: for $10 per month, you can be a Beta reader - you can read early drafts, and have the opportunity to give feedback and comments, as well as the $1 reward.

Even more rewards: For $100 per month, you get to be a Gold Star Patron, and will be acknowledged on my blogs, and in future novels (as well as the $1 and $10 rewards).

You just think it would be cool to be able to call yourself a patron of the arts.

You can spare $1 or so a month, and think my writing is as good as anything to spend it on.

You adore the mrbumpycat.com animals, and would like to help fund their adventures.

I knew it was going to be a good day today, when Mum called me in from the back yard. She was holding my harness!

The harness always means one thing: I'm going somewhere!

Guess where we went! Go on! Oh, it was so exciting! We went to the doggy beauty parlour! We really did. We went in the car! I love the car. And I love all my friends at the beauty parlour.

They trimmed my nails and gave me a bath in nice smelly stuff that made my hair all soft. And Mum got me to try a new perfume: lavender and chamomile. It was so nice she bought me my very own bottle of it.

Lavender and chamomile are supposed to be very calming smells, but Mum said, "Fat chance."

Then I got to pick a toy, but I was so overwhelmed by all the sights and smells at the pet shop that I just couldn't, so Mr D picked one for me.

After another really great car ride home, I felt like playing with my new toy, and Mum threw it for me to chase! She really did. It was so good chasing the toy, and it squeaks.

Then Mum remembered I was due for my worm tablet, and she tried to give it to me, and I spat it out. She tried to give it to me again, and I spat it out again. But I have a really good Mum. She said I didn't have to take the tablet after all. Instead she gave me some meat and cheese, which I gobbled up so fast. So I even got out of having to take my tablet!

Oh, what a great, great day!

And now the lawnmower people are here, so we can find our plants after all the grass grew so high.

Monday, 10 April 2017

Mum and Mr D went out - Mum said something about salad vegetables. None of us animals were particularly interested.

But while they were gone things happened.

One of the pillows on the bed we animals share with Mum spontaneously exploded! There was stuffing everywhere.

Not only that, but when Mum went to fix it at the sewing table later, we discovered that all of the threads in the overlocker were mixed up and tangled. (Rethreading the overlocker is not Mum's favourite thing.)

"It feels much safer with Mum here again."- Fanta.

She said to me, "Who did all of this?"

I didn't know. I hadn't seen anything.

As far as I could tell, no-one had done these things.

The more I think about it, the more I can only think that maybe we have a ghost.

Ghosts are scary things, and I don't want to have one in my house. I don't like to be scared.

But it feels quite safe with Mum and Mr D home again, so that is good.

I just wish they would stay home all the time.

If you know how to keep bad ghosts away from the house, please tell me.

Would you give $1 a month to support this blog? You can become a patron for as little as $1 a month (up to any amount you choose.) As a thank-you gift, I'll send you a free electronic copy of each new book I release.

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Wednesday, 5 April 2017

Something very, very frightening, even terrifying, happened to me last night.

You might know that Mr Bumpy is a really horrible bully. He bites my ears, and he attacks Percy.

The other day he had Percy cornered so that Percy couldn't get away, and I did the bravest thing. I just ran straight between them, and while Bumpy was confused, Percy and I both got away.

But last night there was nowhere to get away to.

I was lying on the couch, minding my own business. I'd rearranged the blankies so I was completely comfortable.

Then out of nowhere, Mr Bumpy appeared, and then just snuggled up beside me.

I was very frightened, because Bumpy's pretended to be my friend before, and then taken a big nasty bite of my ear.

(Mum has holes in her ears. She hangs shiny things in them sometimes. Do you think Bumpy bit her ears, too?)

I tried to get away.

But there was really nowhere to go except the cat towers. And I'm not very good at climbing those.

I couldn't back up because Bumpy was right there. I was stuck with nowhere to go, and Bumpy was starting to look like he might attack me, and I didn't know what to do.

Then Mum picked me up! She said "ouch" because she has arthritis, and I'm a little bit big, but she picked me up anyway because she loves me and she saw I was in trouble. She put me on the floor so I could get away.

Mum said because it's autumn and the weather's getting cooler, Bumpy might actually have wanted to cuddle me to stay warm, but she understood why I didn't want to take the risk.

I'm very glad Mum loves me so much, and I'm safe now. Oh, and Mum and Mr D are getting groceries today, so I might get a new toy, so that's good too.

Licks and tail wags,
Miss Fantasia Dog,
(Call me Fanta.)

Would you give $1 a month to support this blog? You can become a patron for as little as $1 a month (up to any amount you choose.) As a thank-you gift, I'll send you a free electronic copy of each new book I release.

Tuesday, 4 April 2017

They came back with bags of things - but no new toys for me. (Mum said I have to wait for grocery day for a new toy, but we can play with the toys I already have all over the house.)

Once the humans put the bags down, Mum went to the kitchen and called out: "Miss Fantasia Dog!"

She hardly ever uses my full name, so I went running to see what was wrong.

"Can you explain this?" She said it as she pointed to the floor.

I was amazed. I couldn't explain it. There was rubbish all over the floor! The rubbish bin was on its side and empty.

The recycling bin had been good and stayed in its place nicely, but the rubbish bin had been very naughty indeed.

"I can't explain it," I said to Mum. "Rubbish bins never act like that when you're at home. Maybe they think they can get away with it if you're not here. They might be like those naughty pillows that spontaneously exploded while you were out before."

Mum picked up all the rubbish and put it back in the naughty bin.

I looked to make sure it was there, and said to the rubbish, "Now, stay in there!"

I hope it does as it's told. Mum seemed very upset that the naughty bin had put rubbish everywhere.

Licks and tail wags,
Miss Fantasia Dog.
(Call me Fanta.)

Have you ever envisioned yourself as a patron of the arts, but don't have the money of a Medici? I'm told Patreon is the 21st century way of sponsoring artists of all types. You can be a patron of my writing for as little as $1 a month. (Only if you can afford $1 a month, of course.) Patrons will receive electronic copies of each new book I write.

Monday, 3 April 2017

I'm an utterly exhausted overlord this morning, and it's all Mum's fault. Well, Mum's and the furball's and the dumb dog's.

What did this terrible trio do to me you want to know? Let me tell you.

I went to bed last night.

Mum, Fanta, and Percy were all in bed already and asleep.

Naturally I patted Mum's face with my paw until she woke up, so that she would know the most important animal had arrived.

Then I nudged her until she rolled on to her back, so I could get settled. I assumed the sphinx position on her middle, with my tail end tucked comfortably under her chin.

Mum said something like, "Seriously, Bumps?"

I snuggled down and tucked in my paws.

Then Mum did the unthinkable. She stroked me when I didn't feel like being stroked!

Well, of course, I bit her.

She called me a jerk.

Well, you know I would never take that kind of disrespect, so I launched off her middle and jumped to the dressing table, where I started to knock her special human things on the floor. Hair brush - pawswipe - gone. Perfume - pawswipe - gone. Pearl necklace - pawswipe - oh what!

So there I was, with absolutely nowhere to sleep for the night. Well, except for the couches, the floor, the spare bedroom, the fabric cut out on the sewing table... But I was shut out of the bedroom, and I couldn't sleep on my bed.

Why? I ask you why would she do that? Why would she shut me out, but leave Fanta and Percy sleeping peacefully in the bed? I am being treated most unfairly. It's ageism, just because I'm the oldest animal. It's awesomeism, because I'm the most awesome animal. It's just ... just ... just... It's completely unjust! I am the victim of discrimination!

I am going to make a complaint about this to the highest authority. Oh wait, I am the highest authority. I'm the Supreme Feline Overlord.

I have to impose the punishment. You just wait until you go out today, Mum. When you get back there will be nothing on your dressing table, your sewing table, or your writing desk. That will teach you a lesson.

Until next time we meet in the Bloggosphere,
I remain,

Mr Bumpy,
Bloggercat,
Exhausted Supreme Feline Overlord.

Patrons of my writing receive a free electronic copy of each new book I release.

You can become a patron for as little as $1 a month (up to any amount you choose.)

Sunday, 2 April 2017

I understand that in her dog-it-orial yesterday, Fanta may have suggested that I ought to have helped in the garden, because she and Percy had done so.

As you know, both my siblings are very young, the furball is a pretty pathetic excuse for a cat, and Fanta is just a dumb ... er. .. dog.

So for their benefit, and the benefit of anyone else is unclear as to the way things are, let me explain a few things.

I am the Supreme Feline Overlord. No-one is to question my behaviour or motives, or to suggest I should dirty my paws with anything as offensive as "work".

A garden is a place for humans to work. It is a place for cats to nap in the sun, or occasionally stalk a bug or a leaf or twig, or to practise being a wild jungle cat. It's a place for dogs to do whatever it is dogs, with their micro-minds, do in the garden. It is not a place for animals to attempt to "help" humans.

Humans exist to serve their feline superiors. They do not deserve our help, nor the noblesse oblige the furball thinks he should offer. For them, it is a great honour to serve us, and attempting to assist them in their work degrades both them and us. (Oh, Mum, you may change the litter tray now. No need to thank me. The honour is my gift to you.)

Dogs exist for no known reason, but even they are higher in the social order than humans, and should not lower themselves to treat humans as equals.

As for the dumb dog and the furball doing things together, and acting as if creatures from such different strata of society could even be friends, that is simply wrong.

I hope this has cleared up any confusion.

Until next time we meet in the Bloggosphere,

I remain,

Mr Bumpy,

Bloggercat,

Supreme Feline Overlord.

Patrons of my writing receive a free electronic copy of each new book I release.

You can become a patron for as little as $1 a month (up to any amount you choose.)

Saturday, 1 April 2017

After all the rain yesterday, today Mum said, "Fanta, let's go and do some gardening."

We had some baby seedlings that were ready to be planted out. There were tomatoes, peas and watermelon seedlings. I don't know why Mum doesn't grow chicken, or beef, or pork seedlings. Those would grow much better food.

When we went outside, the grass had grown so high, I couldn't even find the plants we already had!

I'm absolutely sure we have a little orange tree planted around here somewhere, but I just can't find it now.

It was so hard to find any of the garden that I decided to pick some of the grass. I often pick plants, but Mum says I should only pick herbs and other things that it's OK to eat. She says I shouldn't pick weeds.

So I started picking the grass, but there was just too much.

There was so much grass everywhere, that even Percy decided to help.

But then Mum said, "It's all right. The lawnmower people will take care of that, we just need to plant our little fruit and vegetable seedlings."

So we stopped working on the grass.

Percy went to relax beside the swing set.

He looked very comfortable, and Mum seemed to have the planting under control, so I went to join him.

If you're wondering about Bumpy, Mum says he's allergic to work. He just hears the word "work" and disappears.

I think we did a very good job today. And Mum says Percy and I are the best gardening animals around.

Friday, 31 March 2017

First of all, one of the servants, the one known as Mum, left. She just went away and did not come back for days.

Second, while she was gone, the door to my bedroom was left closed. Both Miss Fanta and I had to find somewhere else to sleep, as our bed was inaccessible. Because we are very gracious animals, we usually allow Mum to sleep in our bed with us. This policy will be reviewed.

Third, it rained. Then it rained some more. It drizzled and dripped. And then there was a downpour. I am led to believe this had something to do with a tropical cyclone or some other nonsense.

Fourth, and possibly related to the third point, the ground was wet and muddy. Mr D had suggested I might want to change my routine on account of all of the wetness falling from the sky. I explained that when it was time to go and lie in the sun, I fully intended to go out in the sun.

Fifth, when I came inside, wet and muddy on account of the fourth point, I was bathed!

Sixth, then Mum came home from wherever she had been and asked if I had missed her!

It's really all too much!

Yours sincerely

Sir Percival Yowling-feline

Mum's note: For those readers who may be concerned, Tropical Cyclone Debbie did not actually hit this part of Queensland. We have just had the rain that follows a cyclone.

For interest, here is our local creek, normally:

And this is our local creek today:

The sign reads "Use Other Footpath" - which is really good advice at the moment.

Books by Iris, available in paperback and ebook versions, from:

Patchwork

Patchwork is an anthology of short stories and poems by author and blogger Iris Carden. In this volume, you will deal with the aftermath of a dog bite in Bad Moon Rising, spend a sleepless night with The Possum in the Roof, and investigate a weird religious cult in The Time of Blood and Death. The print version of the book has a bonus story not in the eBook version.

Beside Still Waters

A book of sermons and brief reflections on Christian Scripture, by Rev Iris Carden. There is no specific order to the items in the book, they are intended to each be a "surprise" in that they are not related to the items around them. It is hoped that in each, the reader will find something new or special, or unexpected, a message from God. Rev Iris Carden has a Master's Degree in Theology and more than 10 years of experience as a Christian minister

Cat-it-orial

Mr Bumpy is such a talented cat, he even runs his own website: mrbumpycat.com. He is a blogger, and a very bad cat. His favourite hobby is world domination. His next hobby is harassing the humans and other animals he shares a home with. In this book, you can see the world through the eyes of a megalomanicat, and some of the other animals who share his home.

Group Meeting

(Novella) In a facility for people recovering from mental illness: a group of people with sinister pasts starts to be visited by a girl who doesn't exist.

Karlee

Failing author Terry Dixon is made an offer that seems unbelievable. He can have all of his problems solved, have everything he has ever wanted, for a price. The price is something that "will not be too difficult" for him to pay - but it is not specified what it actually will be. With bills mounting up and a deadline looming, Terry agrees to a deal with something he knows nothing about.

About the Author

Iris Carden is a retired Uniting Church minister and former journalist. Lupus forced her to stop working. On good days she writes.

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Bloggercat at Work

Mr Bumpy on the computer.

Lunch Break

It's not that hard - open fridge, get cat food.

About Mr Bumpy

My name's Mr Bumpy. I spend a lot of time on the computer. (The humans I allow to live with me sometimes complain about me being on the computer - but they're mere humans, what do they know?)

My greatest achievements to date are: throwing Miss C's mobile phone out the window during the night; explaining to the dog who is boss; putting a mouse in Mum's slipper; bringing a live snake into the house and playing with it under the birdcage; and getting my own cat biscuits out of the bag when the humans are too slow to do as they're told.

I do have some help with my blog here - my "Mum" a human named Iris does some of my typing for me. She's OK as humans go, so you might want to check out her blogs some time. And of course, there's a dog and some rats and budgies, but you're really not interested in them.

You can contact me (or any of the rest of the Mr Bumpy Cat Dot Com team) at: contact@mrbumpycat.com