Wednesday, September 16, 2009

My sister and I spent a couple of nice, relaxing hours at a local craft fair a couple of weekends ago. Two years ago, having a booth at this fair started us both on our way to being professional handmade artisans. We enjoyed looking, and eating, and laughing, and remembering why we love making stuff and selling it to people who love what we make.

There were many beautiful things - not the least of which were the new paintings and prints by my favorite local artist, Temple Moore. There were a few things, however, that were unequivocably not good. Don't ever, ever, EVER do things like this. I love handmade, but THIS is crap.

These skirts are repurposed jeans on top, fleece on the bottom. FLEECE. Like, what you make blankets from.

There is just no way to explain this abomination, nor is there any way to excuse it. I thought when I saw it that I had no words, but obviously I do. Several. Some of them start with the letters W, T and F.

Next in line is this yard art. You can kill two birds with one well-aimed stone if you put this on your lawn. You can call yourself an Art Lover*, and at the same time, you can be accused of sacrilege by your neighbors!

I'm pretty sure that Santa Clause (or anyone else with a similar name) was NOT hanging around by the manger when Joseph and Mary's first child was born. I mean, I'm no biblical scholar, but... I was president of my church's youth group. So, you know... I know stuff.

I don't even go to church regularly, and I read athiest blogs, and I was still offended by this piece of dung. I didn't check the price. But if it wasn't free, it was too much. (hint: click the photo for the full offensive effect)

*not really.

Finally, we turn to the apparel that should not be worn when going to a craft fair. Or anywhere. Maybe in your own house... but only with the lights off.

That's right, ladies and gentlemen. This poor woman obviously had nothing but this to wear. I can only guess (hope) that all of her other clothes... the ones that didn't creep into her butt-crack and make her an immediate candidate for What Not to Wear... were burned in a house fire the day before. And all of her cash, checks and credit cards were lost as well, leaving her unable to shop for new clothes before the fair. That is the only explanation I can come up with.

But if I am right, then she should have kept her spandex-encased buttcheeks at home. Seriously, there was no need to subject anyone else - even the person who made that manger scene - to that. I would have even been okay with her wearing one of those WTF skirts if it meant I wouldn't have to see those pants... leggings? Tights? Shorts? What the hell are they??

I won't even get into the fanny/belly pack and shoes. I feel a little faint...

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Let me start by saying that I am a huge fan of the series on HGTV called Design Star. I really am!! But this season, some weirdness is going on, and I'm ready to call it like I see it.

In the first show this season, Clive Pearse announced that the winner was going to be chosen by judges (and, presumably, the producers) rather than by the viewing public as has been the case in prior seasons. No big deal... I can understand that to some extent. Why leave the decision of who the people want to watch up to the people who watch, right?? Who knows the HGTV viewers better than the stars of HGTV shows? Okay... maybe not. But anyway, it didn't seem like a big deal to me.

Fast forward through a couple of shows... I'm wondering where the hell the personalities are? Isn't this a contest that is based on design chops AND the ability to keep the interest of some people staring at a screen for 30 minutes?

I'm sorry, NataLee, Amy, Jen, Tashica, Jany, Nathan, Jason, Torie, and Lonni - you all are in desperate need of a big dose of creativity and a personality that would stand out in a crowd. Even a small crowd - like, say... a reality show for would-be television designers.

So now we're looking at the final two: Antonio and Dan. Let me get to the crux of my brilliant theory...

A few questions:Why are all the designers, except Antonio, so BORING? (remember Sparkle Josh!? And that surfer dude guy?)Where are the knock-out designs we have seen in other seasons? (David Bromstad, nuf said...)Why are some of the comments by the judges so blatantly fabricated to fit the elimination decision for the week? (Lonni was screwed by installers - not her own lack of planning.)And WHY did one of the best designers of last week's episode go home?

My answer is this: This whole season is a giant joke built around the fact that the producers found their winner during auditions - Antonio. He's got a strong personality and an attitude that no one else on the network has. He is good-looking in a Stallone-meets-Fred-Durst kind of way. He creates drama with his bully tactics. And did I mention that there is no one else like him on HGTV? Oh yeah, I did.

Antonio can do the job of holding his own on a show, as he's shown in both of his "hosting" challenges, and has decent ability as a designer, so he was picked out of the hopefuls early on and the producers picked other designers to surround him on this season's show that would not only NOT stand out in the design arena, but would also crash and burn in terms of their ability to make people like them. All season I've been saying "gee, there's no one I really LIKE this season." Now I know why.

And for those of you who are sure Dan can pull it off - have you noticed that there is already a designer like Dan on HGTV. His name is David. Yes, his nursery was a better design than Antonio's office - and so was Lonni's guest room - but viewers will understand that they can't pick another DB to win. What would happen if Lonni's room kicked Antonio's ass in the finale? Lonni had to go.

So, you're hearing it here first, folks. Antonio is a ringer, and they've eliminated contestants all season to get it to the point where the finale is between Antonio and someone who would lose for obvious reasons... because he's too similar to another HGTV host. Antonio will take it, and we're all suckers.