Keep from getting Old-timers Disease

You know what makes me sick? You know what makes me so mad I just wanna get in a tree chewing contest…with a beaver?

Yeah – I heard this story on here the other day…said some voodoo science geeks in France or somewhere did a study….an’ they found out putting off your retirement…helps you keep from getting old-timers disease. Every year past your retirement age you still work…your chances of getting demented…decrease 3%.

No it don’t. They’re looking at the numbers one way. What I see is the undisputable fact…..you spend too much time with your old lady…you’re gonna lose your mind.

Hell – women don’t even wait for you to retire. They start working on you right after the honeymoon. I’m at that middle age stage right now…where my wife continuously monitors my faculties. She does this by constantly asks me these three questions – if I’m deaf. If I’m blind. Or…if I’m stupid.

Like I’ll be watching the TV….an’ I hear her chattering in the kitchen. I don’t know who she’s talking to. On the phone with her mama…one a’ the kids…I don’t know. But then – apparently it turns out- it was me. Because suddenly she’s standing in front of me…’Are you deaf!?!?’

Then – I’ll be looking for something in the kitchen drawers. I don’t know where she puts stuff. You know how some people got the junk drawer in their kitchen? We got five of them. I’ll go…’Pearl, where’s the Scotch tape at?’ She’ll open a drawer – pop out a roll….an’ go…’Are you blind?!?!’

And anytime I come up with a plan…some way to make a little money an’ get ahead….she questions my intelligence. Like me an’ my buddy Dub Meeker found out there’s no such thing as ‘farm-raised squirrels’…an’ people would probably pay good money to hunt squirrels that were spray-painted bright yellow – to be easier to see. I laid out our plans to my old lady ….cause it would mean quitting my jobs to get the squirrel farm off the ground. Which is kind of funny – because it already is – it’s in a tree. And she goes, ‘Are you stupid?’

Yeah – like I need ten more hours a day around this woman.

Wake up, America. Yeah – ten more hours a day around that woman….and I might go live in the tree – with the squirrels. Then again – I might just go ahead – and work into my 100’s. I’m Earl Pitts, American. In for the long haul, boys. Pitts Off.