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Kýrie, Eléison

Monica Lewinsky was 22 years old when she was accused of bringing down the President of the United States. I have very little interest in politics, so I’ve never had a dog in the fight when it came to discrediting Bill Clinton simply because he was a democrat, or any other politician because they were a republican. I actually find some politicians to be likable minus their hate ads and the big fat lies that they tell.

Monica is now 40 years old and has recently published an article about all that happened with Bill back in 1995-96. I was only a couple years older than Ms. Lewinsky when her life as she knew it was over, and I remember thinking, “She knew exactly what she was getting herself into. She knew what she was doing.” But 18 years later, I have other thoughts about what was going on between this young intern and the President of the United States of America.

When I was 29 years old I found myself vulnerable to a moral compromise that very nearly threatened the life I was living. Years of baggage that had been neatly packed away on the private shelves within me needed sorting. I had forgotten all about these old clothes, each one a poly-blend skeleton I had worn while trying to figure out who I was. The smell of mothballs reminded me that things had been packed away but never taken to goodwill. At 30 years old, had I been found in a weaker moment, I would’ve put on my old clothes and compromised my life as I knew it.

In the fall of 1985, the band, Mr. Mister, released the song, Kýrie, of which the words Kýrie, eléison meant “Lord have mercy.” Verse one of that song said…

The wind blows hard against this mountainsideAcross the sea into my soulIt reaches in to where I cannot hideSetting my feet upon the road

But in the fall of 1985, at fourteen years old, nothing hopeful was reaching into my soul.

There is a programming that happens within us as children. In our families of origin we learn how to live, survive, fight, love, and grow. But we also learn how to be dysfunctional. As adults, we try to shed the parts of ourselves we don’t like – to become someone else, but the old fingerprints we thought were wiped clean are all over the windows of who we are years later, and are very difficult to see in our 20’s.

The programming that happened in our youth feels like hardwiring…so natural to us as we live out our dysfunction. But hardwiring is not the problem. Circuit override is the problem.

My wires were crossed for dysfunctional sex as a child. Sex was still about intimacy, and in many ways still about love, but it existed within brotherhood rather than the safety of a healthy love relationship that wasn’t medicating a painful childhood.

In my 20’s, I expected that I had outgrown it, but I hadn’t. When our wiring gets twisted we are often too quick to think it’s a thing of the past. But then we smell the mothballs and we know something just ain’t right…because one day, perhaps 20 years after we’ve arrived into adulthood, a situation will present itself and circuit override knows exactly what to do. We say “yes” when we mean to say “no.” And as if we are in some kind of hypnosis, we put on our old clothes and do exactly what we know how to do – what were learned to do – what we were taught to do.

“Monica Lewinsky was of age. She was 22 years old – an adult. She knew exactly what she was doing?” And yet all I smell is mothballs.

The accusations made sense to me when I was 22. I agreed. I don’t anymore. I don’t know Ms. Lewinsky’s story – I don’t know her past. I only know my own. But I can tell you that I had no idea what I was doing at 22 years old. I thought I did, but between the ages of 18 and 30 I existed solely in the world of circuit override, and because of the sexual abuse in my childhood if someone had pulled my pants down it would’ve been the most normal thing to me…so familiar…like someone shaking my hand or giving me a hug.

Monica Lewinsky was emotionally a child at 22. God knows how I would’ve responded to an authority figure at that age. And the reality is, our responsibility as older and wiser people is to set appropriate boundaries. I realize Mr. Clinton was very likely dealing with his own demons, and I would never fault him for that, but there comes a time (for me it was in my 30s) when all that we thought life was, breaks apart, and we see the truth – that it’s simply not what we thought. And in THAT space we have the choice of ignoring real life, or of facing the truth – that we are messed up and are each responsible for that messedupness.

As older and wiser people we will always be held accountable for exercising our authority over those younger than us in responsible, helpful and healthy ways. So if a 22-year-old hits on me I’m going to immediately think, this poor kid has no idea who she is or what she’s getting herself into. That’s what Mr. Clinton should have done, and I’m sure if he could have a do-over, he would do things differently.

Yes, we will (and should) face the consequences of the bad decisions we make at 18 years of age, since our consequences are a social and moral guide for us, but to think we understand life, missteps, tragedy, pain, human behavior and adulthood at the age of 18 or in our 20’s – and all that is related to our brokenness, is simply foolish.

Everyone has or has had a secret of some kind, so when I’m sitting with friends and someone says, “Monica Lewinsky knew exactly what she was doing. She is nothing but a cheap, tawdry vamp who was intent on using sex to break a man,” I feel the desire to announce to the 20-somethings at the table, “It’s very possible that she was experiencing circuit override, and if you did something stupid at that age, it doesn’t make you bad, evil, worthless, shady, scheming, crude, unlovable, spoiled, or deceitful. It just means you were in a state of broken limbo…recovering from whatever happened to you. Don’t listen to them. You are not Monica Lewinsky…Monica Lewinsky wasn’t even Monica Lewinsky. Give yourself some time, and when recovery presents itself, dive in. It won’t be easy, but dive in or you’ll never find your moral compass for right living.”

My heart is old, it holds my memories
My body burns a gem-like flame
Somewhere between the soul and soft machine
Is where I find myself again

Our time is coming, or has come – a time to heal, to forgive, to be accountable, to take responsibility. We need no longer hide from the brokenness of our past. If we continue to hide we will only make a mess of things with our kids, our family, our co-workers, our friends. In fact, some of us already have. So maybe it’s time to try something new.

Lord, have mercy down this road that I must travelLord, have mercy through the darkness of the nightLord have mercy, where I’m going, will you follow?Lord, have mercy on a highway in the light

In my 40’s I have finally found myself on a highway in the light. I hope Ms. Lewinsky has as well. She is telling her story, and I say, “Bravo!”

18Comments

This is one of my favorite posts you’ve written. Thank you for being so open, so honest, so brave. Thank you for talking about shitty issues that the church needs to be talking about. Beautiful writing too.

Thanks Sarah…I really appreciate your words. So time for us to be bold, ain’t it?! 🙂 And if someone else is reading this, please check out Sarah’s very real, honest, and exceptional music right here: http://www.sarahtunes.com

As someone who is a new 30 and on the road to recovery I would say to others who have not yet started their journey or are early on in the process- be courageous. It is difficult and painful to dig out the skeletons of the past but the freedom that is found on the other side is well worth it!

Matt, thank you for being a voice for grace and compassion. There is too little of that in the world today. There is too little of that in the church today, actually (at least, from what I see). Thank you that grace is your first response, your natural response, and that you highlight the need for more of it.

Beautiful, insightful and compassionate. The older I get, the more mercy and grace win. I see it all around me … people who MUST be right because of … whatever. Oftentimes, I look at things in the past that I “had” to win and say, “Wow … I was cruel, uninformed, or simply stupid.”
None of us truly know the path travel by anyone else. Only ours. Thanks for letting us into your world, and thanks for sharing the understanding and healing God continues to provide for you. Your journey helps anyone who reads you, and who is on their own journey of healing.

Matt, Your article is spot on! Reflecting back, a loooonnnggg time ago, I recall how things perceived in youth caused poor behavior in my 20s. And how they still have an impact on me today-when they shouldn’t.
What is more painful is thinking how things I have said or done as an adult, have probably had more negative impact on my kids than I ever intended. Times Ive lost my temper or got frustrated and it showed- are easy to forget how much impact that has on people that look up to you.

I really enjoyed this article. It’s refreshing to see no condemnation toward her. As a young adult myself making my own share of mistakes, I do see her story encouraging others who have had a shameful past. She is indeed a very strong woman to endure the shame and criticism worldwide. I hope she has learnt from her past mistakes and will not repeat them again.

for two years i am working on putting the identity of a piece of meat down. that is not me. it is all that i remember. until. two and 1/2 years ago. it is hard fought to be not that way. my heart broken. fearful. wondering. how to do life with out the old man/woman.

i get monica. i was her.

all i remember is dysfunction. all i remember is being that way from age 3 on up.

until these past two years.

of late i am quiet. scared. reserved.

two weeks ago i heard in a sermon that the covenant is a safe place.

yes. a safe place. to grow. to live to love

i shared with a few about that and was immeadiatly asked what was i going to do with it.

Thanks for your comment, a gurl. “It is hard fought to be not that way.” I understand this. Our brains often remember all of the feelings associated with what we’ve been through or done…and many times interpret those feelings in a way that betrays us. Shame is our go-to response when memories of something broken and dysfunctional from our past, manifests familiar feelings of enjoyment in our present world. As I said, the brain remembers. It doesn’t do us any favors when it interprets the dysfunction as enjoyment. But it means nothing about who we are…and THAT is what we must figure out.

I am not a psychiatrist. I can only speak from my own journey. But what set me free (as free as I am at this place in my life) was counseling…and specifically, being honest that the dysfunction felt good – that the dysfunction felt more like who actually was than who I was trying to be (than the new life I was trying to live). I had to dig into the past and discover the lies I had associated with the feelings…that I didn’t think were a PART of my life, but WERE my life. Part of my problem had always been, that if it felt good, it somehow meant I was complicit…and if not complicit back when it happened, at the very least, responsible for all of my present feelings…which in ignorance I believed were because of ME and not the original dysfunctional event.

I’m going to ask another friend of mine (Kristin) to weigh in on this comment thread when I’m done. We have very different views on spirituality (she is a beautiful atheist whom I admire) but her personal work of overcoming and healing – of asserting the life she now chooses to live above the life she had no choice over, I find helpful, practical and…well…spiritual. She often has insights I don’t have…which is why COMMUNITY (see next paragraph) is so important. I know you already have some of that community in place. Hopefully from people who understand your issues in a very specific way…though I’m not sure our community needs to fully understand our situation…maybe more that they are people understand recovery and have fought for their own.

So all I can say is…keep moving forward. This new person (minus the shame) that you are after requires courage, counsel (counseling), digging, community, time and healing. All were necessary for me to put my world back together. And “put my world back together” does not mean there is no memory…or that the memories will never trigger feelings of worthlessness or shame. They may. They will. But I have tools these days…and I know much better how to get myself out of that “stuck place.”

I’m no longer trying to get the memories to go away or even to agree with me…to NOT be pleasurable in some way. The pleasurable feelings or triggers that come as a result of my trauma…or my bad decisions since (also a result of my original trauma) may never completely behave for me. And it’s going to be okay. That’s all part of the journey. But once you can stop putting pressure on yourself (which will come with those things above: courage, counseling, digging, community, time and healing) you’ll begin to experience the freedom of letting yourself off the hook. You’ll find the amazing freedom of “this is who I am” which really is the stuff of life.

Lastly, the scars are there for a reason. I’m not saying they HAPPENED for a reason, but once they are there…I believe they can have deep value and purpose. I might even say “should” have deep value and purpose…but that’s just my opinion (or at least this has been my experience…there’s definitely something of calling in this for me). But don’t feel the need to get to the “purpose” before you find healing for yourself. But then when it’s time, I believe there are others out there…that need you – that need YOUR story, because it’s their story too. And they need to see someone tell their story free from the shame. They need to NOT hear someone tell them that it’s over – that their pain has up and vanished and theirs can too…become a distant memory that will NEVER bother them again. They to hear someone be honest and say that the pain is manageable…that there are good days and bad…but many more good than there used to be. Someone who will be vulnerable and bold enough to say, “It happened. It defined me. It doesn’t anymore. But it IS a part of me…and likely always will be. I’m not waiting for it to go away anymore. It’s a beautiful scar…a marker along my journey that will now be used for good rather than destruction.

I spent the last few minutes looking on iTunes and the internet for the song, “Don’t Hide the Scars” by Cindy Morgan and Beverly Crawford. I can’t find it anywhere, but it is from an album called, “Sisters: The Story Goes On.” I love that song…always have. In my twenties I knew I liked something about it when I first heard it…but I didn’t realize at the time, that whoever wrote those words had probably been through it in their life – and at some point had found the courage to dig, to commune with others, to heal, and finally…to use it to call others out of their hiding places. Look it up…order the CD. The whole CD is great, but that song is not just a song…it’s a story about someone’s healing.