Monday, February 1, 2010

the unstable path...

This ever changing path I'm walking, this journey that lays ahead is proving to be more and more challenging. It has so far been the most difficult part of my life, it has been the greatest test of my strength and abilities. And as hard as I try most of the time with the greatest of efforts to stay on course and keep my head above water... I still find myself falling harder and deeper at times.

Now, I've accepted the fact that this is really not a simple problem for which there are a few simple solutions that I can apply to and resolve. There are several aspects and challenges that require my attention and strength.... There is the shop, which has been on a slow decline for the past three years and as much as I want to devote all my time and efforts to reinventing and rebuilding business.. for the time being I feel crippled and unable to do all I can to keep it afloat. When your heart is bleeding and you are not a complete person it's very difficult to put your best foot forward, as hard as you might try... My attention is also very much needed in helping the boys through this journey as well, my 13 year old is a very sensitive child and needs allot of care and one on one time to which I always give my full attention. My 16 year old is growing fast, is starting to venture out on his own a bit more, and as much as I want him to enjoy life and all the experiences that he needs to go through at this age... It also worries me...as this is an age where trouble can happen, especially when he also is in a very vulnerable state. There is allot of hurt and anger deep down and I don't want that to be the cause of him taking the wrong path along the way.

I'm doing my best to handle all that is on my "plate" at this time and try to do it with love and a positive outlook. And yes... in a way all these things keep my mind occupied and off of all the pain inside. The little creative things I try to do with the little time that I have during the day...with the blog and the 365 Flickr group, as well as keeping up with friends on Facebook....is also a great way of keeping myself "busy"... But I wonder if all this keeping busy and occupied thing is really a good thing, let me explain...

You keep your mind saturated all day with the little and big things that require your attention, just to not deal with the emotional storm that's brewing deep down...and this keeps you going most of the day, and at night you still stay busy till the very moment your eyes give in, because you're just so tired of crying yourself to sleep each night... And days give into nights and weeks pass... as you start feeling good about yourself, and think that you may actually have a hold on this situation and perhaps have a false sense of control... You have yet another meltdown... where you find yourself weeping in the car in front of you kids, on the way home from a family night at the movies...because that reminds you of how this was his favorite thing to do....Or you completely fall apart at a friends wedding, the happiest day of their lives...as you sit there and watch them start their new life together...your mind replays the beautiful moments you had on your wedding day... and you throw yourself out the door, looking for a dark corner to run to so people don't witness this pure and utter destruction... And at that very moment you realize that all the progress you think you've made over the past few months and everything you thought you had a handle on... you actually don't....And...you're back to square one... feeling like you have not accomplished anything... and that you have no control of this situation.... That grief actually has a hold on you, and you feel powerless against it...so you give in once again and hope that when you open your eyes in the morning...the little things that give you joy will resurface and help you put yourself back together...

The cycle begins again... but at least each time you start over you hope that you've learned something new that you can apply this time around, you learn that no matter what you do to avoid dealing with the war inside... it is still there and needs your attention just as much as all the other things. And you need to spend time and face this pain inside and perhaps nurture it, give it your full attention...but not dwell on it too much...because when you do turn your attention inward, the pain is overwhelming and can consume you if you let it...however avoiding it completely is not a wise thing either as it will no doubt keep brewing till one day it boils over leaving you in a worst state then before...

The path continues... ever more unstable...ever more rocky... yet I'm still hopeful and have faith in myself...we will come out of this...

8 comments:

What all this cycling is doing is putting distance from the event. and with distance comes a certain emotional memory loss. I know it may sound a bit heartless. But its what happens to us humans. The more time passes the more our wound scabs over and the pain that was there becomes just a bit more dull.

Mari, I wrote 3 whole paragraphs then quickly realized the futility of it all (writing is a therapy for me too). Also it seems so presumptions of me to advice someone else in those delicate and personal matters with which I am dealing as well. (yeghung unes gluxet kori) I don’t like it when people advising me. However I love it when they are openly sharing their hearts with me because that’s when I heal and help the other heal. So, I am writing here by talking to myself. This is as much for me as it is a response to your blog entry.

Just watch your thoughts and don’t let them take you into a vicious cycle. At times like this it all seems futile, and it indeed is, but deep down where you’re alone lies your strength. Being alone does not equal to being lonely. The first thing that came to mind when I ready the following sentence “…because when you do turn your attention inward, the pain is overwhelming and can consume you if you let it..." was, “go ahead, Let It.” Let it consume you all the way. Do not resist do not be afraid and see what happens. Sometimes I can’t believe my stupidity when I observe my thought patterns and the process of wasting my precious moments on them. I am aware of my thoughts and they know it :) otherwise they will get the best of me (and they sometimes do).

In the space which thought creates around itself, there is no love. This space divides man from man, and in it is all the becoming, the battle of life, the agony and fear. Meditation is the ending of this space, the ending of the me. The meditation is the hug you described and the description of it as well. The meditation is to cry even if it’s in a middle of a wedding. You’re not doing anything against the nature. It’s natural when you let it and be at peace with what you’re feeling. The suppressing of it it is the unnatural. You don’t need to make progress at all. You are fine where you are and will never be better because there is no such thing as better. It is what it is and either it’s the best or it’s not. No one is asking you or me or anyone else what they want. One day we’re ok the next day we’re not and yet the next day we couldn’t be any better and one day we die. This is life as I know it and I Love it. Appreciate the pain you’re feeling and the grief you’re feeling and it will end. Own them. They’re yours. It’s difficult to believe but we can get addicted to the feeling of being grief stricken, sad, lonely, etc. I too tear up unpredictably but my tears and the vulnerability give me tremendous strength and will and zest for what is, for life.

Well, I still ended up with 3 paragraphs. Had I known it I would have sent you the first one :)

Hi, I am writing from what I have seen my Mom go through. There is no right or wrong, or how you should be feeling, other than to just feel. cry when you need to, scream if you must, I believe it is all a process and someday I think you will be surprised at your own strength! My thoughts and prayers are with you.

I have faith in you too. It's been so long, we really need to get together. It'd been a while since I'd read your blog, and just wanted to go back and read everything...everything you described here makes so much sense when it's read with the heart. Sending you my love,Nairy