Tag: vicious cycle

The movie, “Loveless” depicts the escalating costs of the vicious cycle of destructive criticism in a graphic manner. The movie is set in Russia and was directed by Andrey Zvyagintsev and co-written with Oleg Negi.

The couple involved in the movie are separated and in the process of divorce but are consumed by anger, frustration and hatred for each, despite each having established a relationship with a new partner. The movie brings into stark relief the impact of their vehemence on the life of their 12-year-old son, who is seen as cowering and crying when the parents verbally abuse each other in a escalating tirade of insults and name-calling. The son is invisible to them as they pursue their mindless criticisms of each other.

The climax of the movie comes when the son disappears, and the parents are forced through police inaction to join in the volunteers’ search for their son. In summary, not only is their son’s life impacted negatively but so also are their new relationships as the toxicity of unresolved resentment eats away at them.

We can be caught up in a cycle of destructive criticism when relationships go bad, when we are frustrated that our expectations are not realised or when we become absorbed in the pain of hurts from another by replaying them in our mind. Sometimes, our criticism is a projection of our own sense of inadequacy or ineffectiveness. The cycle of negative criticism, and its costs, are compounded when each party attempts to inflict ever greater pain on the other by caustic and demeaning remarks.

Breaking the cycle of destructive criticism by mindfulness

The cycle of negative criticism is difficult to break as each party is mindlessly attacking the other without any thought of the long-term consequences for themselves or the other person.

Margaret Cullen suggests a three-step mindfulness process to wind back resentment and hurt and break the cycle of destructive criticism:

Get in touch with your thoughts and name your feelings and their intensity. Take advantage of the space between stimulus (the other person’s words and/or actions) and your own response. Avoid reactivity that will have you saying something you later regret and add to the destructive cycle of abusive criticism.

Undertake and honest and open conversation – explain what happened and how it made you feel. Avoid blaming and name-calling in this conversation and use empathetic listening to rebuild trust. You have to take this step to break out of the cycle or you will be consumed by resentment, as portrayed in the movie, “Loveless”. If you want a relationship to improve, you have to change your response, not deepen the hurt experienced by the other person.

You can let go of disappointment and bitterness by undertaking a forgiveness meditation – which can be directed to yourself and/or the other person. Holding onto resentment can only harm you both in the short term and the long term. It will contaminate your relationships at home and at work. Forgiveness, on the other hand, creates freedom.

As we grow in mindfulness through regular meditation, we increase our response ability and develop ways to handle personal criticism. This enables us to avoid the cycle of destructive criticism which is so injurious to ourselves and our relationships.