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Washington, DC (TDP) – Attorneys for the U.S. Justice Department announced that they have reached a settlement with former Tour de France champion Lance Armstrong in their $100 million civil fraud lawsuit against him. The federal [...]

Crawford, TX (TDP) – Irish rock band U2 has announced that former U.S. President George W. Bush will be permanently joining the group for its next world tour and beyond. In an announcement from Bush’s Crawford, Texas ranch, [...]

Washington, DC (TDP) – A recently published report from the Congressional Budget Office (CBO) has concluded that every one of the 321.4 million residents of the United States will die if the American Healthcare Act (AHCA) is passed [...]

West Chester, PA (TDP) – After a long, sad night of drinking and missed hookups, QVC, the world’s leading television network shill, dialed the number listed at the bottom of the screen and purchased the entire [...]

Island Beach State Park, NJ (TDP) – A large, pugnacious sea mammal appeared to have beached itself at Island Beach State Park in New Jersey over the weekend. However, with the Garden State’s budgetary impasse shutting down [...]

Washington, DC (TDP) – In an effort to advocate bipartisanship within its deeply divided ranks, the House of Representatives today approved funding for the promotion of additional shocking tragedies in the United States and overseas. “Nothing brings us [...]