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Tuesday, May 14, 2013

By
virtue of powers given under the Destruction of Parliament Act of 1823, and in
conformity with the procedures of the Prostitutes Procurement Procedure of 1867,
the Department of Parliamentary Fraud (otherwise and hereinafter referred to as
the PF) is hereby issuing this Invitation to Tender for the supply of
Parliamentary Seats to the PF.

This
Invitation to Tender is offered in pursuance of the PF Policy to extend
development to those constituencies which previously refused to give their
parliamentary seats to the PF. However, in its benevolent desire to develop all
of the country, the PF is now undertaking a policy of buying these seats in
order to end unnecessary division in the nation and to bring about peace, national
unity and development to all constituencies.

A
contract to supply a parliamentary seat to the ruling PF may be given to any
opposition member of parliament where the tendered amount for selling the seat
is deemed reasonable by the Procurement Atrocity, and where the opposition
member (otherwise and hereinafter referred to as the Prospective Supplier)
meets the specifications set out hereinunder:

Goods and Personnel to be Supplied:

·One green leather seat in
parliament

·One opposition member of
parliament

·At
least one thousand opposition party defectors

It
should be noted that opposition voters’ cards are considered an added
advantage.

Description of Personal Services to be provided by the
Prospective Supplier:

* In the
unlikely event of election failure, the Supplier would instead be offered the
post of ambassador in a foreign mission.

Required Abilities and Qualifications of the Prospective Supplier:

·Ability to lie without blinking

·Ability to make speeches which repeat
the words of the Party Leader

·Ability to obey the Party
Leader’s instructions without question or hesitation

·Lack of any formal qualifications
(exception will be made for forged certificates)

·Lack
of any political beliefs or principles

Note:
To ensure equality of opportunity, literacy is not a requirement.

Undertakings to be made by a Prospective Supplier before
signing of Contract:

The
Supplier must undertake:

·Never to contradict the Party
Leader

·Never to voice a personal opinion

·Never to tell the truth,
especially when under oath

·To support the next Constitution,
irrespective of its provisions

·Always
to vote in parliament according to party instructions

If
the above Conditions are met, and if the Tendered Price is acceptable, the PF
will contract to:

·Supply from the Health Budget all
funds necessary to buy votes

·Send Dotty Scotty to the
by-election to make false promises

·Upon successful election, appoint
the Supplier as a Deputy Minister

·Provide a ministerial house with a
minimum of twelve toilets

·Provide a Landcruiser GX as
person-to-holder

·Provide immunity from
investigation by ACC and DEC

·Provide
employment in foreign embassies for all of the Supplier’s children

Submission of Tender Documents:

Tender
documents should include specifications of the seat being made available, the
details of the Prospective Supplier as outlined above, and the price at which
the seat is being offered. Documents should be posted within 90 days to:

Tuesday, May 7, 2013

‘I just can’t understand it,’ said Sara.
‘How can Cycle Mata go to give an official speech on Labour Day, and then come
up with all that drivel about bald heads, witchcraft, monkeys in trees and so
on?’

‘Be fair,’ I said, ‘he also mentioned the untiring efforts of the workers in producing the wealth of the country.’

‘What we are watching is a clear case
of power failure,’ declared Kupela.

‘Huh!’ Sara snorted. ‘Power failure!
If you ask me, they’ve got too much power! They need taking down a peg or two!’

‘Too much political power, but not
enough electrical power,’ said Kupela. ‘That’s why their speeches degenerate
into nonsense. When they run out of electrical power, that's when whatever they say suddenly begins to degenerate into confusion and absurdity.’

‘That’s where you’re wrong,’ said
Kupela. ‘It’s electrical messages from the brain to the muscles which keep
everything going. Now if you run out of the electricity necessary to
connect the brain to the tongue, then you will begin to babble complete
nonsense, giving the unfortunate impression that you’re a complete drivelling idiot!’

‘Like Dotty Scotty in his interview
with the Guardian?’

‘Exactly,’ said Kupela. ‘In his case
he lost the electrical connection between his tongue and his memory, causing
him to forget all his diplomatic training. So instead his tongue was connected directly to all his nasty little prejudices, causing him to insult
everybody in South Africa from the president down!’

‘At least he was honest,’ laughed
Sara. ‘He said what he actually believed!’

‘To tell the truth,’ I said solemnly,
‘that is a foolish and fatal mistake for any politician.’

‘But what explains this strange
electrical power failure?’ Sara wondered.

‘It’s a symptom of old age,’ explained
Kupela. ‘Our electrical energy is supposed to be stored up in the fat of our
buttocks. But when you become old and senile, and your buttocks are all shrunken
and withered, there is no storage capacity. So if you try to give a long
speech, especially while trying to stand up at the same time, you suffer a disastrous power failure.’

‘So that explains why our illustrious but senile leaders sometimes have
to rush off home right in the middle of a ceremony?’ I suggested.

‘Exactly,’ said Kupela. ‘They have to rush back for emergency electrical dialysis treatment to recharge their worn out batteries. Only emergency application of electrical shock treatment can reverse the decomposing chemical reactions in their decaying
buttocks.’

‘Does this take a lot of electricity?’

‘Enormous amounts,’ said Kupela,
‘because their worn out bodies are nearly finished. It has been calculated that
it is necessary to supply a full hour of a kilowatt of electricity into an ancient buttock to induce just one joule of additional energy.' ‘So what happens to all the wasted
energy?’

‘But what is the physiological reason
for such biological inefficiency?’

‘It arises mainly from the difficulty
of energy generation in a geriatric,’ Kupela explained. ‘The lungs have turned
to leather, the liver is shot with alcohol, and the fibrous heart has no regular
beat but instead exhibits only irregular twitches.’

‘So it takes an enormous amount of
energy to get the smallest result?’

‘Exactly,' said Kupela. ‘It
has been calculated that once Axe Chikwale’s eyelids have closed, it takes the
power of an entire two megawatt North Bank generator to lift them open! And
then, of course, there’s the larger task of trying to reconnect his eyes to his
brain!’

‘But surely,’ I said, ‘this momentus geriatric dilemma must put a terrible strain upon the national grid, causing low voltage, and so
on.’

‘Of course it does!’ laughed Kupela.
‘That’s why we’ve got all this load shedding and blackouts between six and nine o’clock. After these ancient politicians have finally reached home, they are desperately trying to recharge their energies expended on
their useless and incomprehensible speeches. After having hopelessly blacked out in the middle of
their speeches, they then go home and black us out, so that they can steal our energy
to regenerate themselves.’

‘The way they are going,’ said Sara,
‘they’ll be no energy left for the rest of us. They’ll bring this country to a
complete halt!’

‘That’s not the worst of it,’ said
Kupela grimly. ‘As they cast around desperately for more energy, they are also
sucking power from parliament and from the judiciary, leaving them both
powerless. In a desperate bid to re-energize themselves they are now trying to
capture the constitution to give all power to themselves, leaving the rest of
us with nothing.’

‘Sucking us all down into a black hole
of darkness,’ said Sara.

‘It’s a tragedy,’ said Kupela,
‘because these ancient zombies can never be fully re-energized. Their impending fate is all too certain and inevitable. The only remaining question is whether they are going
to suck the rest of us down with them.’

‘But can we escape our fate?’ I wondered.

‘The trick,’ said Kupela, ‘is to cut
them off from their energy supply. Pull the plug!’

‘But how do we do that?’
‘Some people say there’s only
one man who knows how to do it. While he was working for ZESCO he managed to analyze
the problem and work out the solution.’

‘And who is he?’

‘Father Bwalya,’ replied Kupela. ‘He is the one who knows how to pull the plug.’