Surviving office politics

No matter how disinterested you are in politicking at the of­fice, the fact is we all have to deal with it

No matter how disinterested you are in politicking at the of­fice, the fact is we all have to deal with it when we work with other people. Clyde D’Souza, author of Kissing Ass: The Art Of Of­fice Politics, shares some pointers.

1. Dealing with an asshole boss
He’s incompetent, dictator-like and takes credit for your hard work. It’s time to pull out the big guns.

Lead a mutiny. If he’s such a prick, chances are everyone in the team wants him out. Gather the facts against him as evidence and let the super boss know he’s bringing the team down.

Or… humiliate him. Get him shitfaced and pay a eunuch to take photos of him in compromising positions. Post these on the of­fice noticeboard.
He’ll quit out of embarrassment.

2. Getting rid of troublemakers
It’s never easy letting people go, but If they’re damaging the team – or your reputation – it’s time to cut your losses.
And you can do it while playing the good guy.

Delegate: Let HR give the bad news to the troops. But ensure you say bye to every one of them. Look suitably teary-eyed, follow that up with a warm ­ five-second hug as they get the fuck out of the of­fice.

Or… get them to quit. Make an announcement that just their department will be working night shifts. With a 6-day week and a 20 per cent pay cut. Recession, dude. The good news is they can use the daytime to and another job.

3. Getting a promotion ahead of your colleagues
Like Rahul Gandhi, you want a shot at the top job. Before you turn 80. And before your sucky colleagues. But have you got the goods?
No? Don’t let that stop you.

Kick ass at work. It sounds simple, but it isn’t: Work your ass off every day, especially weekends when the others aren’t in. Dump your girlfriend and channel your energy towards this one goal: if that doesn’t get you a promotion, you can’t be helped.

Or… Plan B: Be your boss’ asswipe. Go above and beyond the call of duty – and beneath yourself. Don’t just be his Man Friday but his man every day. From work tasks to checking if he has herpes, you’re the man.