A:
You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

Q:
Why is it so cold on Christmas?

A:
Because it's in Decembrrrrrrrrrr!

Q:
Why was Santa's little helper depressed?

A:
Because he had low elf esteem.

Horror

Q:
Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car

crash?

A:
He's all right now.

Q.
Have you seen Quasimodo?

A.
He went to lunch but I have a hunch he's back!

Q.
How can you tell that a vampire likes cricket?

A.
He turns into a bat every night.

Q:
How can you tell when a vampire has been in a bakery?

A:
All the jam has been sucked out of the doughnuts.

Q:
How does a girl vampire flirt?

A:
She bats her eyes.

Q:
What do ghosts put on top of an ice cream sundae?

A:
Whipped scream.

Q:
What do ghosts serve for dessert?

A:
I Scream.

Q:
What do sea monsters eat for lunch?

A:
Fish and ships.

Q:
What do witches put on their hair?

A:
Scare spray.

Q:
What do you call a monster with no neck?

A:
The Lost Neck Monster.

Q:
What do you call a witch who lives at the beach?

A:
A sand witch.

Q:
What do you get when you cross a black cat with a lemon.

A:
A sour-puss.

Q:
What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost?

A:
Bamboo.

Q:
What happens when a ghost gets lost in the fog?

A:
He is mist.

Q:
What happens when a ghost haunts a theatre?

A:
The actors get stage fright.

Q:
What is Beethoven doing in his coffin right now?

A:
Decomposing.

Q:
What kind of makeup do ghosts wear?

A:
Mas-scare-a.

Q:
What kind of mistakes do spooks make?

A:
Boo boos.

Q:
What kind of music do ghosts listen to?

A:
Sheet music.

Q:
What kind of tie does a ghost wear to a formal party?

A:
A boo-tie.

Q:
What was the witches' favourite subject in school?

A:
Spelling.

Q:
What's a ghost's favourite desert?

A:
Boo-berry pie.

Q:
What's it like to be kissed by a vampire?

A:
It's a pain in the neck.

Q:
Where do baby ghosts go during the day?

A:
Day scare centres.

Q:
Where do most werewolves live?

A:
In
Howllywood
,
California
.

Q:
Where does a ghost go on vacation?

A:
Mali-boo.

Q:
Where does Dracula usually eat his lunch?

A:
At the casketeria.

Q:
Which building does Dracula visit in
New York
?

A:
The
Vampire
State
Building
.

Q:
Who did Frankenstein take to the dance?

A:
His ghoul friend.

Q:
Who was the most famous French skeleton?

A:
Napoleon bone-apart.

Q:
Who was the most famous ghost detective?

A:
Sherlock Moans.

Q:
Who was the most famous skeleton detective?

A:
Sherlock Bones.

Q:
Why couldn't Dracula's wife get to sleep?

A:
Because of his coffin.

Q:
Why did the game warden arrest the ghost?

A:
He didn't have a haunting license.

Q:
Why did the ghost go into the bar?

A:
For the boos.

Q:
Why did the vampire give his girlfriend a blood test?

A:
To see if she was his type.

Q:
Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?

A:
He had no guts.

Q:
Why didn't the skeleton dance at the party?

A:
He had no body to dance with.

Q:
Why do demons and ghouls hang out together?

A:
Because demons are a ghoul's best friend.

Q:
Why do mummies make excellent spies?

A:
They're good at keeping things under wraps.

Q:
Why doesn't anybody like Dracula?

A:
He has a bat temper.

Q:
Why don't witches like to ride their brooms when they're angry?

A:
They're afraid of flying off the handle!

Q:
Why were screams coming from the kitchen?

A:
The cook was beating the eggs.

The
Silly selection

Q:
How can you get four suits for a pound?

A:
Buy a deck of cards.

Q:
How do you make a hot dog stand?

A:
Steal its chair.

Q:
How do you make an egg laugh?

A:
Tell it a yolk.

Q:
What bird can lift the most?

A:
A crane.

Q:
What bone will a dog never eat?

A:
A trombone.

Q:
What can you hold without ever touching it?

A:
A conversation.

Q:
What clothes does a house wear?

A:
A dress.

Q:
What country makes you shiver?

A:
Chile
.

Q:
What did the elevator say to his friend?

A:
I think I'm coming down with something!

Q:
What did one magnet say to the other?

A:
I find you very attractive.

Q:
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?

A:
It's time to go to sweep.

Q:
What did the necktie say to the hat?

A:
You go on ahead. I'll hang around for a while.

Q:
What did the rug say to the floor?

A:
Don't move, I've got you covered.

Q:
What do bees do with their honey?

A:
They cell it.

Q:
What do you call a song sung in an automobile?

A:
A cartoon.

Q:
What do you call the best butter on the farm?

A:
A goat.

Q:
What do you do when a chair breaks at a conference?

A:
Speak to the chairman.

Q:
What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cement mixer?

A:
A bricklayer!

Q:
What do you get if you cross an insect with the Easter rabbit?

A:
Bugs Bunny.

Q:
What do you get when you cross a stream and a brook?

A:
Wet feet.

Q:
What do you get when you cross poison ivy with a 4-leaf clover?

A:
A rash of good luck.

Q:
What happens when frogs park illegally?

A:
They get toad.

Q:
What has a lot of keys but can’t open any doors?

A:
A piano.

Q:
What kind of cat likes to go bowling?

A:
Alley cats.

Q:
What lies on its back, one hundred feet in the air?

A:
A dead centipede.

Q:
What's green and loud?

A:
A frog horn.

Q:
Where do fortunetellers dance?

A:
At the crystal ball.

Q:
Why did the doughnut shop close?

A:
The owner got tired of the whole business!

Q:
Why was Cinderella thrown off the cricket team?

A:
She ran away from the ball.

Q:
Why were the teacher's eyes crossed?

A:
She couldn't control her pupils.

More
Blonde Q and A

Q.
Why did the Blonde have huge cubic tits?

A.
She forgot to take the tissue out of the box!

Q.
What have a bottle beer and a Blonde got in common?

A.
They are both empty from the neck up.

Q.
Why do Blonde’s keep empty beer bottles in the fridge?

A.
They’re for people who don't drink!

Q.
Why was the Blonde proud of finishing a jigsaw puzzle in only six

months?

A.
The box said "2 to 4 years!"

Q.
Why can't a Blondes water ski?

A.
When they get wet between their legs, they end up on their back.

Q.
What is the definition of an eternity?

A.
Four Blondes drivers at a four way stop.

Q:
Why did the blonde listen to the radio in the morning?

A:
The radio was AM only

Q:
Did you hear about the blonde who stood in front of a mirror with her

eyes
closed?

A:
She wanted to see what she looked like asleep.

Q:
Did you hear about the new form of birth control for blondes?

A:
They take off their makeup.

Q:
How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook?

A:
She gets the pop tart out of the toaster in one piece.

Q:
How can you tell when a FAX had been sent from a blonde?

A:
There is a stamp on it.

Q:
How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves?

A:
She fell out of the tree.

Q:
How did the blonde get ready for Y2K?

A:
She changed all her Y's to K's.

Q:
How did the blonde try to kill the bird?

A:
She threw it off a cliff.

Q:
How do you confuse a blonde?

A:
You don't. They're born that way.

Q:
How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?

A:
Wave to her.

Q:
How do you keep a blonde in suspense?

A:
(I'll tell you tomorrow.)

Q:
How do you know if a blonde is Scottish?

A:
She has a chequebook.

Q:
How do you make blondes laugh on Monday mornings?

A:
Tell them a joke on Friday-Night!

Q:
How do you drown a blonde?

A:
Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool.

Q:
How did the blonde try to kill a fish?

A:
By drowning it.

Q:
How does a blonde spell farm?

A:
E-I-E-I-O

Q:
How does a blonde get pregnant?

A:
And I thought blondes were dumb!

Q:
How does the blonde turn on the light after having sex?

A:
She opens the car door.

Q:
How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A:
Blondes screw in back seats, not in light bulbs, silly.

Q:
If a blonde and a brunette fall off a 100 ft cliff, which hits the

ground
first?

A:
The brunette. The blonde has to stop and ask directions.

Q:
What are the worst six years in a blonde's life?

A:
Third grade.

Q:
What can save a dying blonde?

A:
Hair transplants.

Q:
What did the blonde say when she knocked over the priceless Ming

vase?

A:
It's OK, I'm not hurt.

Q:
What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?

A:
"Oh look! Donut seeds!"

Q:
What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?

A:
"Look! They spelled MACY'S wrong!"

Q:
What did the blonde think of the new computer?

A:
She didn't like it because she couldn't get MTV.

Q:
What do UFO's and smart blondes have in common?

A:
You keep hearing about them, but never see one.

Q:
What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear?

A:
A wind tunnel.

Q:
What do you call 15 blondes in a circle?

A:
A dope ring.

Q:
What do you call a blonde clutching at thin air?

A:
Someone who is collecting her thoughts.

Q:
What do you call a blonde in a black leather jacket?

A:
A rebel without a clue!

Q:
What do you call a blonde with 90% of her intelligence gone?

A:
Divorced.

Q:
What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head?

A:
A space invader.

Q:
What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?

A:
Run like Hell ... she's holding the grenade.

Q:
What do you get when you cross a blonde and a lawyer?

A:
I don't know, there are some things a blonde won't do.

Q:
What do you give the blonde who has everything?

A:
Penicillin.

Q:
What does Star Treks Dr. McCoy say before doing brain surgery on a

blonde?

A:
Space. The final frontier

Q:
What does the postcard from a blonde's vacation say?

A:
Having a wonderful time. Where am I?

Q:
What's the difference between a blonde and a computer?

A:
You only have to punch information into a computer once.

Q:
Why did the blonde ask her friends to save their burned-out light

bulbs?

A:
She needed them for the darkroom she was building.

Q:
Why did the blonde climb over the glass wall?

A:
To see what was on the other side.

Q:
Why did the blonde keep putting quarters in the soda vending

machine?

A:
Because she thought she was winning.

Q:
Why did the blonde take 16 friends to the movies?

A:
Because the sign said “Under 17 not admitted!”

Q:
Why do blondes drive BMWs?

A:
They can spell BMW.

Q:
Why do blondes hate M&Ms?

A:
They're too hard to peel.

Q:
Why do blondes have more fun?

A:
They are easier to keep amused.

Q:
Why do blondes have see-through lunch box lids?

A:
So they know if it is morning or afternoon.

Q:
How does a Blonde change a light bulb?

A:
She holds the bulb in the socket and waits for the world to go around.

Q:
Why didn’t the Blondes go to
Disneyland
?

A:
A sign it said "
Disneyland
left" so they turned around and went home.

How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.

What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
Sanka.
And what kind of lettuce?
Iceberg.
Where does the one-legged waitress work?
IHOP

How do you catch a unique rabbit?
Unique up on it.
How do you catch a tame rabbit?
Tame way, unique up on it.

What did the buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?
Make me one with everything.
The hot dog vendor then gives him the dog and the buddhist gives him a $20.
Buddhist – Hey, where’s my change?
Vendor – Change must come from within.

Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers.
What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho Cheese.

Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because the chickens wasn't invented yet.

Do you ever notice that when you're driving, anyone going slower than you is an
idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?

How do you now when its raining cats and dogs?
When you step in a poodle.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A stick

A duck walked into a drugstore and asked for a tube of ChapStick.
The cashier said, "That'll be $1.49"
and the duck said "Put it on my bill".

I read a book on helium once. I couldn't put it down!

A guy asks his waiter how they prepare their chicken. The waiter says "Nothin'
special... we just flat out tell' em they're gonna die."

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you
hear them speak.

How does a spoiled rich girl change a lightbulb?
She says, "Daddy, I want a new apartment."

A politician is one who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence
after.

The very first doctor of dermatology had to start from scratch.

This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog,
busy dog, for dog, 20 dog, seconds dog! ... Now read without the word dog.

What's brown and sticky?
A stick

What do you call a funeral where you smell your own flowers?
A wedding.

Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk.
Both are dragging their right foot as the walk.
As they meet, one man looks at the other, knowingly points at his foot and says,
"Vietnam, 1969."
The other hooks his thumb behind him says,
"Dog poop, 20 feet back."

One day there were three people. Their names were Manners, Trouble and Shut up.
One day they were playing hide and seek. Manners got a tummy ache so he went to
the toilet. Trouble was hiding. Shut up was finding Trouble when he met a
policeman. The policeman said, "What is your name?" "Shut up!" The policeman
replied, "Are you looking for trouble?" "Yes!" The policeman fumed, "Where are
your manners?" "In the toilet."

When we were looking to buy property I had this over zealous Realtor show us
what can only be described as a totally worn out old farm. I mean the land had
just been worked to death. The weeds were hardly even growing. The smiling super
salesman said, "Now really, all this land needs is a little water, a nice cool
breeze and some good people." I replied, "Yeah, I agree, but couldn't the same
be said of Hell?"

A group of young men were sitting around the coffee shop complaining about how
hard it was to get by in this day and age. Bob, an old timer, was listening to
them and finally spoke. "You kids don't know what hard times are. Why, when I
was your age we were so poor we couldn't afford electricity. Why, we even had to
watch television by candle light."

Did you hear the one about the man who opened a dry-cleaning business next door
to the convent?
He knocked on the door and asked the Mother Superior if she had any dirty
habits.

How do you drive an engineer completely insane?
Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him, and fold up a road map the wrong way.

What is the definition of an engineer?
Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had, in a way you don't
understand.

What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horses butt?
Mechanic.

Why did the furniture salesman take six backless chairs to the doctor's office?
Because the doctor wanted to get a stool sample.

A woman walked up to the manager of a department store. "Are you hiring any
help?" she asked."No," he said. "We already have all the staff we need.""Then
would you mind getting someone to wait on me?" she asked.

What has three teeth and sixty feet?
The front row at a Willy Nelson concert.

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?
Homeless.

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy

If they ever come up with a swashbuckling School, I think one of the
courses should be Laughing, Then Jumping Off Something.

When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't
stick your elbow out the window, or it'll turn into a fossil.

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that
man.

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to
take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old
burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said. "Disneyland burned down."
He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a
pretty good joke.
I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting
pretty late.

A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then
you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. "Hear
that?" you say. "That's dynamite, baby."

Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment"? I'd
ask for a pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and
forth you'd probably be able to get a lot of free games.

I'd like to be buried Indian-style, where they put you up on a high
rack, above the ground. That way, you could get hit by meteorites and
not even feel it.

If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun
in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some
smart-aleck cowboy said something like "Hey, look. He's carrying a
soldering iron!" and started laughing, and everybody else started
laughing, I could just say, "That's right, it's a soldering iron. The
soldering iron of justice."
Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they had
made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit
them up for a free drink.

I bet when the neanderthal kids would make a snowman, someone would
always end up saying, "Don't forget the thick, heavy brows." Then they
would all get embarrassed because they remembered they had the big
hunky brows too, and they'd get mad and eat the snowman.

Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion.
For instance, let's say you're an astronaught on the moon and you
fear that your partner has been turned into Dracula. The next time he
goes out for the moon pieces, wham!, you just slam the door behind him
and blast off. He might call you on the radio and say he's not
Dracula, but you just say, "Think again, bat man."

Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth
spin real fast and freak everybody out.

The people in the village were real poor, so none of the children had
any toys. But this one little boy had gotten an old enema bag and
filled it with rocks, and he would go around and whap the other
children across the face
with it. Man, I think my heart almost broke.
Later the boy came up and offered to give me the toy. This was too
much! I reached out my hand, but then he ran away. I chased him down
and took the enema bag. He cried a little, but that's the way of these
people.

I wish I had a Kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both
Dracula AND Superman away.

I don't think I'm alone when I say I'd like to see more and more
planets fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system.

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is
why several of us died of tuberculosis.

Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word
itself: "Mankind". Basically, it's made up of two separate words -
"mank" and "ind". What do these words mean ? It's a mystery, and
that's why so is mankind.

I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they
don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with
some good ideas.

I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned
him, and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I
helped skin Bob."

I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash
is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash
stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and
go, "What was THAT?!"

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the
face.

Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can
bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little
tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it could be
like ambition.

I'd rather be rich than stupid.

If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of
conquistadors came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don't
think it would be a good idea to say, "I swallowed it. So sue me."

If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger,
screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man,
I guess I'm a coward.

I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every
culture, is the story of Popeye.

When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if
they ever press charges.

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no
choreography, and the dancers hit each other.

What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to
save a solid gold baby? Maybe we'll never know.

We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at
them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.

Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of
striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.

I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon
was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand,
pretending he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality.

To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've
wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I
went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.

As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that
was very pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all,
but A HUMAN HEAD!!

Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been
painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can
make a child look like a deer.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them
down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his
head out when you're coming home his face might burn up.

You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who
make people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe
diarrhea.

Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to
calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the
doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know
what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in
the side of it's head with a note that says "You." After that I
usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.

If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then
gets right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away.

If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to
keep the students from just trying to yodel right off. You see, we
build to that.

If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe
you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because,
hey, free dummy.

Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someones
neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh,
because what is that thing.

He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he
made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she
disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to
dust," some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging,
he told the others, "I'll be waiting for you in heaven--with a gun."

The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to
me. I remember we'd all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was
- and drive and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there
were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as
we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we
called "Dad." We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went
home. I guess some things never leave you.

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him
is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute
thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."

Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the
world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark
riding on an elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything
they see.

As we were driving, we saw a sign that said "Watch for Rocks." Marta
said it should read "Watch for Pretty Rocks." I told her she should
write in her suggestion to the highway department, but she started
saying it was a joke - just to get out of writing a simple letter! And
I thought I was lazy!

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to
take my little nephew to DisneyLand, but instead I drove him to an old
burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "DisneyLand burned down." He
cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty
good joke. I started to drive over to the real DisneyLand, but it was
getting pretty late.

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy 02 of 04

If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you
think liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be
wrong, though. It's Hambone.

Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's
what her dinner tasted like.

We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we
wouldn't be laughing that evening when he'd come back with some whore
he picked up in town.

I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to
town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.

As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray,
I thought back to the salmon I caught that morning, and how gray he
was, and how I named him Flint.

If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's
real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first
instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what is I was an ant, and she
fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.

If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you
friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to
pretend you were swimming.

When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school
we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat
one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman
was a bear.

Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer
right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a
good, lucky feeling.

The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw.

When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or
pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not,
mmmmmmm, boy.

Whether they find a life there or not, I think Jupiter
should be called an enemy planet.

Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, we
should be thinking about getting more use out of the ones we already
have.

I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver.
and since he is so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real
quick and give it to him.

Just because swans mate for life, I don't think its that big a deal.
First of all, if you're a swan, you're probably not going to find a
swan that looks much better than the one you've got, so why not mate
for life?

If you're robbing a bank and you're pants fall down, I
think it's okay to laugh and to let the hostages laugh too,
because, come on, life is funny.

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a
mirror, because I bet that will really throw you into a panic.

Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not
me, you.

I can't stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says
something like, "Hey, when are you going to pay me that $100 you owe
me?" or "Do you have that $50 you borrowed?" Man, quit being so cheap!

I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the
state-appointed shrink is our friend.

I think one way the cops could make money would be to hold
a murder weapons sale. Many people could really use used ice
picks.

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer,
I bet you could shoot beer out of you nose.

Even though I was their captive, the Indians allowed me quite a bit of
freedom. I could walk freely, make my own meals, and even hurl large
rocks at their heads. It was only later that I discovered that they
were not Indians at all but only dirty-clothes hampers.

I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their
pets, because I'd like to have one of those little beds with my name
on it.

It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets
its wings. But what they don't tell you is that every time you
hear a mouse trap snap, and Angel gets set on fire.

If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy,
throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think
how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real
grenade at them.

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.

The next time I have meat and mashed potatoes, I think I'll put a very
large blob of potatoes on my plate with just a little piece of meat.
And if someone asks me why I didn't get more meat, I'll just say, "Oh,
you mean this?" and pull out a big piece of meat from inside the blob
of potatoes, where I've hidden it. Good magic trick, huh?

Sometimes, when I drive across the desert in the middle of the night,
with no other cars around, I start imagining: What if there were no
civilization out there? No cities, no factories, no people? And then
I think: No people or factories? Then who made this car? And this
highway? And I get so confused I have to stick my head out the window
into the driving rain---unless there's lightning, because I could get
struck on the head by a bolt.

The whole town laughed at my great-grandfather, just because he worked
hard and saved his money. True, working at the hardware store didn't
pay much, but he felt it was better than what everybody else did,
which was go up to the volcano and collect the gold nuggets it shot
out every day. It turned out he was right. After forty years, the
volcano petered out. Everybody left town, and the hardware store went
broke. Finally he decided to collect gold nuggets too, but there
weren't many left by then. Plus, he broke his leg and the doctor's
bills were real high.

Too bad when I was a kid there wasn't a guy in our class that
everybody called the "Cricket Boy", because I would have liked to
stand up in class and tell everybody, "You can make fun of the Cricket
Boy if you want to, but to me he's just like everybody else." Then
everybody would leave the Cricket Boy alone, and I'd invite him over
to spend the night at my house, but after about five minutes of that
loud chirping I'd have to kick him out. Maybe later we could get up a
petition to get the Cricket Family run out of town. Bye, Cricket Boy.

I think a good product would be "Baby Duck Hat". It's a fake baby
duck, which you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming
underwater until you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join
them. Then, all of a sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar
like Godzilla. Man, those ducks really take off! Also, Baby Duck Hat
is good for parties.

I wish I lived back in the old west days, because I'd save up my money
for about twenty years so I could buy a solid-gold pick. Then I'd go
out West and start digging for gold. When someone came up and asked
what I was doing, I'd say, "Looking for gold, ya durn fool." He'd
say, "Your pick is gold," and I'd say, "Well, that was easy." Good
joke, huh.

A funny thing to do is, if you're out hiking and your friend gets
bitten by a poisonous snake, tell him you're going to go for help,
then go about ten feet and pretend that *you* got bit by a snake. Then
start an argument with him about who's going to go get help. A lot of
guys will start crying. That's why it makes you feel good when you
tell them it was just a joke.

I guess I kinda lost control, because in the middle of the play I ran
up and lit the evil puppet villain on fire. No, I didn't. Just
kidding. I just said that to help illustrate one of the human
emotions, which is freaking out. Another emotion is greed, as when you
kill someone for money, or something like that. Another emotion is
generosity, as when you pay someone double what he paid for his stupid
puppet.

Many people think that history is a dull subject. Dull? Is it "dull"
that Jesse James once got bitten on the forehead by an ant, and at
first it didn't seem like anything, but then the bite got worse and
worse, so he went to a doctor in town, and the secretary told him to
wait, so he sat down and waited, and waited, and waited, and waited,
and then finally he got to see the doctor, and the doctor put some
salve on it? You call that dull?

I scrambled to the top of the precipice where Nick was waiting. "That
was fun," I said. "You bet it was," said Nick. "Let's climb higher."
"No," I said. "I think we should be heading back now." "We have
time," Nick insisted. I said we didn't, and Nick said we did. We
argued back and forth like that for about 20 minutes, then finally
decided to head back. I didn't say it was an interesting story.

If you're a Thanksgiving dinner, but you don't like the stuffing or
the cranberry sauce or anything else, just pretend like you're eating
it, but instead, put it all in your lap and form it into a big mushy
ball. Then, later, when you're out back having cigars with the boys,
let out a big fake cough and throw the ball to the ground. Then say,
"Boy, these are good cigars!"

I remember that one fateful day when Coach took me aside. I knew what
was coming. "You don't have to tell me," I said. "I'm off the team,
aren't I?" "Well," said Coach, "you never were really ON the team.
You made that uniform you're wearing out of rags and towels, and your
helmet is a toy space helmet. You show up at practice and then either
steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you try to
tackle people at inappropriate times." It was all true what he was
saying. And yet, I thought something is brewing inside the head of
this Coach. He sees something in me, some kind of raw talent that he
can mold. But that's when I felt the handcuffs go on.

If I ever opened a trampoline store, I don't think I'd call it
Trampo-Land, because you might think it was a store for tramps, which
is not the inpression we are trying to convey with our store. On the
other hand, we would not prohibit tramps from browsing, or testing the
trampolines, unless a tramp's gyrations seemed to be getting out of
control.

I can still recall old Mister Barnslow getting out every morning and
nailing a fresh load of tadpoles to the old board of his. Then he'd
spin it round and round, like a wheel of fortune, and no matter where
it stopped he'd yell out, "Tadpoles! Tadpoles is a winner!" We all
thought he was crazy. But then we had some growing up to do.

Once when I was in Hawaii, on the island of Kauai, I met a mysterious
old stranger. He said he was about to die and wanted to tell someone
about the treasure. I said, "Okay, as long as it's not a long story.
Some of us have a plane to catch, you know." He stared telling hes
story, about the treasure and his life and all, and I thought: "This
story isn't too long." But then, he kept going, and I started
thinking, "Uh-oh, this story is getting long." But then the story was
over, and I said to myself: "You know, that story wasn't too long
after all." I forget what the story was about, but there was a good
movie on the plane. It was a little long, though.

I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was
going to be an eclipse and tell the cave men, "If I have come to
destroy you, may the sun be blotted out from the sky." Just then the
eclipse would start, and they'd probably try to kill you or something,
but then you could explain about the rotation of the moon and all, and
everyone would get a good laugh.

I wouldn't be surprised if someday some fishermen caught a big shark
and cut it open, and there inside was a whole person. Then they cut
the person open, and in him is a little baby shark. And in the baby
shark there isn't a person, because it would be too small. But
there's a little doll or something, like a Johnny Combat little toy
guy---something like that.

Contrary to popular belief, the most dangerous animal is not the lion
or tiger or even the elephant. The most dangerous animal is a shark
riding on an elephant, just trampling and eating everything they see.

When the age of the Vikings came to a close, they must have sensed it.
Probably they gathered together one evening, slapped each other on the
back and said, "Hey, good job."

Too bad you can't just grab a tree by the very tiptop and bend it
clear over the ground and then let her fly, because I bet you'd be
amazed at all the stuff that comes flying out.

If you're in a boxing match, try not to let the other guy's glove
touch you lips, because you don't know where that glove has been.

It's too bad that whole families have to be torn apart by something
as simple as wild dogs.

Even though he was an enemy of mine, I had to admit that what he had
accomplished was a brilliant piece of strategy. First, he punched me,
then he punched me again.

I think somebody should come up with a way to breed a very large
shrimp. That way, you could ride him, then, after you camped at
night, you could eat him. How about it, science?

To me, truth is not some vague, foggy notion. Truth is real. And,
at the same time, unreal. Fiction and fact and everything in between,
plus some things I can't remember, all rolled into one big "thing."
This is truth, to me.

Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion.
For instance, let's say you're an astronaut on the moon and you fear
that your partner has been turned into Dracula. The next time he goes
out for the moon pieces, wham!, you just slam the door behind him and
blast off. He might call you on the radio and say he's not Dracula,
but you just say, "Think again, bat man."

I bet for an Indian, shooting an old fat pioneer woman in the back
with an arrow, and she fires her shotgun into the ground as she falls
over, is like the top thing you can do.

Globalist Joke

Resistance Is Futile

15 May 2006Dearest Citizen of the World,

I believe the time has come to reveal to
you some of the perplexities you have faced in recent decades. It is well for
you to understand some of these things so that you might know how to behave in
the New Order now taking shape on the earth. We want you to be able to become
fully involved and integrated into our new society. After all, this is for your
best interest if you will do.

First of all, it is well that you
understand some of our purposes so that you may more fully cooperate. I cannot
tell you the hard times you will face if you resist us. We have ways of dealing
with resisters. I am only telling you this now, since it is much too late to
turn things around. The days of putting a stop to us have long since past. We
have full control of the earth and its finance, along with the major media
propaganda, and there is simply no way any nation or power can defeat us. We
have eyes in every level of government in every nation of the world. We know
what is being planned, for our ears and eyes are ever present. State secrets are
fully known to us.

China recently accused the
media in the
U.S. of lying about
Kosovo. Oh, you silly people, of course we lie. In this way we can keep the
people unbalanced and always facing controversy which is very helpful to us.
Have you not seen the talk show spectacle? Some of you believe we are the
liberals and the good people are the conservatives. In reality, both serve our
purposes. Each camp merely serves with the stamp of our approval but they are
not allowed to present the real issues.

By creating controversy on all levels, no
one knows what to do. So, in all of this confusion, we go ahead and accomplish
what we want with no hindrance.

Consider the President of the
United States. Even though
he regularly breaks every known check on his power, no one can stop him. He goes
ahead and does whatever we want him to do anyway. The Congress has no power to
stop him. He does what we want since he knows if he does not, because of his
rather dark character, we can have him removed in a moment's time. Is not that a
rather brilliant strategy on our part?

You cannot take us to court because you
can't see us and the courts are our servants as well. We run everything, yet,
you do not know who to attack. I must say this hidden hand is wonderfully
devised and without any known historical precedent on this scale. We rule the
world and the world cannot even find out who is ruling them. This is truly a
wonderful thing. In our media we present before you exactly what it is we want
you to do. Then, as if in a flash, our little servants obey.

We can send American or European troops to
wherever we like, whenever we like, and for whatever purpose we like, and you
dutifully go about our business. How much more evidence do you need? We can make
you desire to leave your homes and family and go to war merely at our command.
We only need to present some nonsense to you from the president's desk or on the
evening news and we can get you all fired up to do whatever we like. You can do
nothing but what we put before you.

YOUR VAIN RESISTANCE

When any of you seek to resist us, we have
ways of making you look ridiculous as we have done with your militia movement.
We have delighted to use this movement to show the world how impotent any
resistance is. They look so silly marching around with their guns as if they
were some match for our military. Look at what we did near
Waco. Did the Davidian's little
store of weapons help them?

We have generously taxed you and used that
money to make such sophisticated weapons you can in no way compete. Your own
money has served to forge the chains we bind you with, since we are in control
of all money. Some of you think you may escape by buying some land in the
country and growing a garden. Let me remind you that you still pay us ground
rent. Oh, you may call it property taxes, but it still goes to us.

You see, you need money no matter what you
do. If you fail to pay your ground rent to us, we will take your land and sell
it to someone who will pay us. Do you think we cannot do this? And with your
ground rent we pay for the indoctrination of your children in the public schools
we have set up. We want them to grow up well trained into the system of our
thinking. Your children will learn what we want them to learn, when we want them
to learn it, and you pay for it through your ground rent.

Those funds are also used for other
projects we have in mind and our contractors are paid handsomely for their work.
You may doubt that we own your children, or have such control, but you will find
that we do. We can declare that you abuse your children when you spank them and
have them confiscated. If they do not show up for school indoctrination, we can
accuse you of neglect, thereby, giving them to us. Your children are not yours.
They are ours. You must inoculate them, you must bring them to our hospitals if
we decree or we will take them from you. You know this and we know this. Through
our electronic commerce we are able to see where you are, what you are buying,
and how much you have to buy things with. Where do you suppose we come up with
our monthly financial statistics?

Through the Internet and other sources we
can even know how you think and what you say. It is not especially important to
us what you believe as long as you do what we say. Your beliefs are nonsense
anyway. But if you think you have a following, and we perceive that you might be
somewhat dangerous to our agenda, we have ways to deal with you. We have a
Pandora's box of mischief with which to snare you. We can have you in court so
long you will never get out. We can easily drain away all your assets over one
pretext or another. We have an inexhaustible fund with which to draw from to pay
our lawyers. These lawyers are paid by you in the form of taxes. You do not have
this vast supply of wealth. We know how to divide and conquer. Have we not
brought down rulers of countries through our devices? Do you think your tiny
self will be any match for us?

YOUR VAIN ORGANIZATIONS

And, let us consider your religions and
the "moral majority." The "moral majority" is neither moral nor is it in the
majority. We have delighted to use this wet noodle of a movement to make
ridiculous the Christian faith. The silly men who run that organization always
end up with egg on their faces.

We have always put them in defense of
themselves as we have so successfully done with the NRA. We can make it seem by
our media propaganda that the National Rifle Association is actually the New
Radical Attackers. Have we not turned the American conservative movement on its
ear? If it serves our purposes we can use the conservatives to turn the liberals
on their ear. It makes no difference to us but it serves to make you believe
there are two sides struggling for their particular position. This helps to make
things seem fair and free since everyone has a voice. Actually, there is only
one side now with all kinds of masks on, but you are unable to penetrate our
purposes. You see, we can do whatever we like and you can do nothing about it.
Does it not seem reasonable that you simply obey and serve us? Otherwise, you
get eaten up in the resistance you suppose will liberate you. You cannot be
liberated. Imagine how you can. We supply your fuel for your cars. We can turn
it off whenever we like claiming that there is some sort of fuel shortage. What
if your car breaks down? You cannot get parts for it without us. We supply all
the money you use. At any whim of our desire we can stop the money supply or
cause a complete crash all together. We can then order the president to declare
all money worthless and that we will have to have new money. All of your stashes
of cash will go up in smoke in a moment's time. Don't you need food? If
necessary, we can cause a trucker's strike which would stop deliveries of food
to your local store. We can starve you whenever we like. You only have food
because we have provided it to you from our table. During the great depression
we controlled the food. We heaped mountains of food behind fences and let it
rot. The hungry were then made to work in our labour camps even though there was
enough and more to feed them. Do you really think you can beat us? You say you
will hoard gold coins so you will still have money in the time of the crash. We
can simply pass a law which outlaws the possession of gold as we have done in
the past. If we find gold in your possession, we would simply confiscate it and
put you in prison for breaking the law. While in prison you would be required to
work in one of our prison industries.

We have so formed a picture of the labour
camps in our prisons these days that no one seems to object to them. We tell
people that murderers should pay for their own keep. No one seems to consider
that we have the power to put tomato growers there also. We can pass laws that
prohibit gardens and then make up some scientific reason why you may only buy
food from our sources. If someone sees you growing tomatoes, they will report
you to us and then we will have you in our fields working for us. Oh, silly
nationalists, there is no escape for you, for since long before you were born,
we were planning your capture. Your teachers and ministers have been forming
your thoughts for us for generations now. You have no idea how to pull out of
our influence short of suicide. Go ahead and commit suicide, it will only help
us to deal with the excessive population. You cannot hurt us, find us, or even
imagine what we are up to. I am throwing you these few crumbs only so that you
may, if you have a little good sense, obey and follow our orders.

YOUR CONTROLLED MIND

We run
Hollywood. The movies such as
Terminator and Armageddon, along with a great host of others, were simply
created to get you thinking according to our directions. You have been made to
delight in violence so that when we send you off to kill some bad man we have
put before you, you move without a whimper. We have placed violent arcade games
in your malls to prepare your young minds in the art of battle. We have made you
to view our armies and police as the good forces and you submit to things that
were unthinkable just a few decades ago. Our artful programs, are all designed
to help you submit and even help the New World Order. Star Trek, and other such
creations, have taught you to simply obey orders from the new international
rulers. Oh, silly people, you thought you were being entertained, while you were
actually being educated. Dare I use the words, "brainwashed" or "mind control?"
By the way, have you seen the new Star Wars? What a masterpiece of mental
manipulation. Humans confer with nondescript beasts of all shapes and sizes and
they confer in English. I wonder where those space beasts learned English. Oh,
the simpleness of the mind of the citizen. He never considers he is being taken
into fairyland. We have placed advertisements for Star Wars almost everywhere
you go. You will find them in Wal-Mart, K-Mart, Taco Bell and a host of our
institutions of commerce. There is something we want you to learn from this
movie. Or, perhaps it could be said, there is something we do not want you to
learn, from Episodes 4-6. Either way, we will have what we want in the whole
affair. Of course, to keep you off guard we have instructed our elected
officials to appear to be correcting the evil of our violence.

President Clinton is now speaking against
violence in
Hollywood movies. This will not solve the
problem, but will only make the people believe the problem is being worked on.

Sex and violence are the very best powers
to use to help us gain our advantage. How the people loathe to give up their sex
and violence, so we place all they want before them. In this way, we keep them
so occupied they do not have the integrity or brain power to deal with the
really important matters which are left entirely in our hands. President Clinton
has been very helpful to us. We knew of what character he was before we placed
him as president. Exposing him was very helpful in adjusting the moral habits of
the youth downward. This is to our advantage. Even more agreeable to us were the
vain efforts of those who thought they could remove him against our will. He is
useful to us and he will not be removed by anyone until we are ready to have him
removed. Excuse me if I seem to be mocking your system of beliefs, but they are
rather outdated. Have you no eyes to see your vain liberties and your righteous
pontifications are nothing before us? You can only do what we say you can do. We
remove presidents when we are ready and the leader we set up will be there until
it serves us to have another. At that time we place our proposed leader before
you and you vote for what we want. In that way we give you the vain voting
exercise in the belief you had something to do with placing your president in
office.

We use the nations for what we want to use
them for. Everyone knows that they must yield to us or die. Fortunately, we have
had a few resisters such as Saddam Hussein and Slobodan Milosevic that have been
helpful in showing the world leaders what we will do to them if they do not
submit. There is only glory in following our purposes and doing what we say. If
one does not, there will be such a sad and tragic result. I would really have
you spared of such an end. But, then, again, if you are not spared, it is of no
consequence to us. We will use you to alleviate some of the overpopulation
problem.

YOUR SILLY REBELLION AGAINST OUR DOMINION

Some of you have thought you could stop us
by placing a bomb in one of our abortion clinics or in a overnment building.
Silly souls! How can that hurt us? All that does is give us an example to use so
that we might place more controls and heavy burdens on the population. We love
it when you rebel and blow something up. You are our reason for making more laws
against all those things which might contribute to your freedom from us. If
someone did not blow something up on occasion, we would have no justification in
placing more hedges about you. Can't you see how impossible it is for you to
resist us? The more you wriggle, the more we squeeze. Our kingdom is the kingdom
of money. Excuse me, but I must confess that we are the rulers of the kingdom of
non-money.

You must see the humour in that statement.
We have given you a piece of paper or some numbers on a computer screen that we
have termed money. It is backed up by nothing and proven by nothing but what we
say it is. We create it from nothing, we print it, we loan it, we give it its
value, we take its value away. All things that have to do with money are in our
hands.

Think of it, what is it that you can do
against us without money? If you try to resist, we can cancel your credit or
freeze your accounts. Your cash is easily confiscated. We have made so many
rules in the realm of living that you cannot live without money. Camp on
government land and you must move in two weeks. You cannot grow much of a garden
in two weeks. Many of our wilderness trails are entered by permit only. We have
passed laws that do not allow you to live in trailers over a certain period
without moving to another location. Have you not thought it ridiculous that we
will allow a man to live in a box full time but we will not allow a man to live
in an RV full time unless he is in a taxpaying campground?

OUR UNFATHOMABLE MYSTERIES

Our recent war in
Serbia has many purposes
to it but we do not speak of these things openly. We let the talk show hosts
blather all sorts of nonsense but none of it touches the core.

First of all, there is a wealth of natural
resources in Kosovo that we must have complete control of. Kosovo has large
supplies of uranium in its soil and uranium is very helpful to our regime. Also,
it suits us to keep all such minerals out of the hands of potential enemies.
Milosevic has not been helpful in giving those resources into our hands so we
simply make things difficult for him until he does. Even now victory over
Yugoslavia is imminent. We
are reducing that proud nation to the level of humility we require from all
people. After the war, if Mr. Milosevic does not sufficiently humble himself, we
will take him to the world court charged with war crimes. We made up that term;
rather ingenious, don't you think? How could there be such a thing as a war
crime? The very nature of war is that the rules are off. It is so entertaining
to watch the nations try to fight war according to the laws we have placed
before them. The only war crime there really is only involves the crime of being
against us. Anyone against us is violating our law. As you have seen when
someone is for us we do not care what they do. Was not Nelson Mandela a
bomb-toting terrorist who killed many of his enemies? We made a hero of him. We
observe no laws when it comes to war. We do what we want, when we want, and
where we want. We can starve nations to death, we can ruin civilians and any
other horror for which we would take our enemies to court. Look at our example.
We bomb Serbia out of its wits, bomb Kosovans out of their homes, poison their
rivers and streams, turn off their electricity making a grand crisis in that
country, and then we masterfully make it appear it is all Mr. Milosevic's fault
and he needs to go to court for it. It is the same way we made our inferno at
Waco look like Mr. Koresh's fault.

Then there was our chief villain, Saddam
with all of his weapons of mass destruction. Bad men are a dime a dozen and we
can conjure one up whenever it suits us. This is really quite funny when you
think of it. I am not one who is usually given to humour, but I do catch myself
laughing sometimes at the absolute absurdity of the notions we place before you
and you readily accept. Do you wonder that the leaders of the world tremble at
our presence? They know they have no power except the power we give them.

We have no fear of
Russia or
China for we are already
in full control of their system of things.
China knows that we can
freeze any number of its corporations in
America and all of its
capital at the stroke of a pen. We want you to be in the system. When you are
buying a house, we not only receive the tax revenue to use for our purposes, but
we gain large increases from the interest on the loan. You may pay for your
house two or three times over from the interest alone. The interest is also
taxed which is again placed for use in those sectors of influence we choose. We
do not want you to escape free and that is why we have made it as we have. You
are our property. We will not permit you to buy or sell unless you submit to our
mark of authority. If you go to court against us, we will wear you out there and
in the end you will lose. If you use violence, we will end up having you in one
of our labor camps, more specifically called prison industries. You need our
money, our entertainments, our fuel, and our utilities to function and if you
don't have them, you feel deprived. By this, you are made to yield to our will.