SciFridays: “Sharknado” (2013)

Lesson – Sharks swirling around for over twenty minutes in a tornado are still hungry.

Here’s kind of a fun thing – this is my 52nd post, and my career here at Rooster Illusion started with Tara Reid. Happy ‘1-Year-In-Posts’ everyone!

Alright, so, I actually made my friend let me come over so that I could watch this sucker on television like SyFy intended (I don’t have cable in my tiny apartment).

So, I mean, I don’t really know what I was expecting with this movie. Like, I’ve seen and reviewed Piranhaconda and a few other ‘SyFy’ originals, so I should have been prepared for the utter disregard for detail. But I wasn’t. Let’s talk about the things that were weird.

– The beginning is about a shark fin soup fisherman. On a sailboat. Which is magically a fishing boat in the CGI scenes.

– The hurricane takes about 10 seconds to get to shore, so thusly everyone is surprised. Like they looked up from their afternoon tea and were like, “Oh man, a hurricane!”.

– The amount of flooding is ridiculous, even for flash flooding. However, the consistency of filmed water, CGI water and documentary footage made it impossible to discern how bad it actually was.

– Why so many sharks? Why so many different kinds of sharks? Why not other kinds of sea life?

– I’m sorry, but, the makeup is awful. I know exactly how those scars were applied – with silicone. It’s great for wounds and scars, that’s true, but only if applied correctly.

– Strongest rope/Aussi/helicopter/chainsaw/gun/poolcue/barstool ever.

– If Fin is such a bad dad, how come his immediate first thought is to rescue his ex-wife and daughter? And he goes to rescue her anyway, even though Tara Reid (the ex) insists he doesn’t.

The Asylum“I die a little every time they call me Mom.”

-This movie aired at 9pm Eastern. No tornado until 10:22pm. I feel cheated.

There is literally no care taken to ensure this movie had even a modicum of consistency. The beginning of the film takes place while the storm rolls in, over a calm ocean. In editing, they through a filter over the footage that made me feel like turning the brightness up on the television to convey a “storm.” One of my biggest pet peeves –the documentary shot– was used and abused. For those who don’t know, this is when a movie grabs a nature shot from some footage of said creature and inserts it forcefully into a movie. Shark Attack 3: Megalodon is the worst perpetrator of this.

There is a character named Baz. He’s awesome, I have no complaints until he dies really unceremoniously. There’s Fin. And “Nova.”

Nova has the saddest backstory I’ve ever heard in a shark movie. She earned some scars on her leg because her grandfather took her on a fishing tour. The boat sank, and she, as a seven year old, watched sharks systematically pick off all of the other tourists, including her grandfather. She then floated in the ocean until she was rescued, but during the rescue a shark tried to nom her leg. Like. What. That’s some deep stuff, man.

The AsylumAh. My leg.

There’s a fair amount of chainsaw and shark action, and the most notable is at the end. SPOILER. Fin, wielding a chainsaw, throws himself Hercules style into the belly of a great white shark attempting to eat his daughter. Obviously he cuts his way out of the shark. Twist, though, it’s the same shark that ate Nova earlier (out of the helicopter)! So now they’re both fine.

I actually have no idea if throwing a bomb into a tornado will “stop” it, so I’m not even going there.

The Asylum

My overall conclusion is that this movie actively infuriated me. SyFy, please continue to make terrible movies, but for everyone’s sake, you could try just a tiny bit harder. And lay off the Jaws references. There are other movies in this genre that are equally funny.

P.S. If you didn’t stick around for Two-Headed Shark Attack you are missing out. It has Charlie O’Connell, Carmen Elektra AND Brooke Hogan.