I always remember being a good kid. My greatest joy came with being around other boys. I was raised in a European culture and the boys always hugged and laughed. I loved it. I was a cute kid too and athletically gifted. My world revolved around playing sports which we played based on season. I'll never forget how much I loved my Rod Carew bat and Expos jersey (baby blue one!). And I cried like a baby when the Islanders lost in 1984 to the Oilers. Mike Bossy was my idol.

Around 9 years I was playing sports and my neighbor called me over. He was about 17 years old. He had a younger cousin who lived with him that was about 13-14 years old. This younger cousin was considered 'odd' by the neighborhood kids. He never played sports, preferred playing with dolls and plastic animals, etc. Anyhow, the 17 year old gave me a mandate, "Anthony, try to make 'Abuser' more like you." I felt honored by the request and took it to heart. It wasn't before long that I was being abused sexually over the course of a few summers.

In addition, my dad was a victim (female perpetrator) and so he never played, talked or touched me. Looking back he must of been terrified to be considered a pervert and veered on the safer side of having no contact with me. My mom on the other hand seemed to almost want a daughter. I wanted to play sports ; she'd buy me a guitar, etc. My uncle and eldest brother were there for me but I lost them to girlfriends as the abuse ended. I had a middle brother to lean on but then a few years later he came out as gay. It seemed I was only being given attention by men who wanted to be with other men.

I am 38 years old today. I have recently released a sexual addiction (I get the sensation of vomiting when I think of how I acted out)that lasted over 20 years and which I personally dealt with head on for the past 12 years. I have done many, many hours and years of individual counselling, group counselling, 6 week inpatient addiction program, 12 step groups. Incredibly, I never acted out with men. I am uber pro-LGBT but have always been surprised that with my history I never went there. I still struggle with sexual orientation confusion and it feels like HOCD. My gender shame in through the roof. I feel like a laughing stock as a man but slowly working through that.

It's obviously the toughest mission I have ever been given to handle. It is essentially my vocation. I sometimes wonder why the person 'upstairs' chose me to do this work. Maybe in some round about way it is to help make this world a better place. This work has been pure, pure, pure hell but small rays of light pop through and offer some hope.

i really hope you find good information here, and receive only helpful and healthy support from other members.

i relate to much of what you wrote.

as a father, i was very affectionate to my children, but very careful to avoid any and all inappropriate contact. i did feel uncomfortable hugging them, after they all hit puberty, but i consciously overcame that reluctance so that they would never feel unloved. your story reminded me about that. as a victim/survivor, i have been "terrified to be considered a pervert" and i always "veered on the safer side of having not contact" with any children other than my own. i never discuss that with anyone, but i can talk about it freely here. thank you for that. you put my thoughts into words.

i am happy for you that you have beat your addiction. care to share some techniques? i have a few addictions i too would like to lose.

In my experience there is no 'technique' to overcome an addiction. Just complete commitment to doing it and time (it could be 12-step or not; make no difference how). For me I always knew that genuine intimacy while still having the addiction was impossible so that was in the balance. If I did not overcome my addiction the price would be for me to never experience genuine intimacy. I knew that to be true as I knew the sun would rise.

However, I must stress that a deep whole opened up (at least for me) when I overcame the addiction. I have had to deal with all the genuine pains. As a result, today I am very, very grateful for my addiction. I would not have been able to survive had I not had the addiction. While I was struggling with my addiction I hated the power it had over me but I could not see that I was also getting stronger inside. If I did not have the addiction to rely on I probably would not have been able to handle the 'real' pain.

In my opinion, it's ok to not be ready to let go of your addiction. It is also ok to not be ready to commit to making the effort to move through it. However, there is a consequence. The ultimate choice to do something (i.e. really do something) about it is a personal one.

However, I believe firmly it is impossible to share the gifts one was born to share if an addiction is still active in oneself.

It's obviously the toughest mission I have ever been given to handle. ....Maybe in some round about way it is to help make this world a better place. This work has been pure, pure, pure hell but small rays of light pop through and offer some hope.

Hey AV,

Agreed. This is some of the hardest work a man can do. And there's no guarentee of a big payoff in the end. Its all incremental. But take heart, there are some guys reading your post right now who will be able to move just a bit further toward healing, just because of seeing your courage in posting this.

Jude

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I will remember youWill you remember me?Don't let your life pass you byWeep not for the memoriesSarah McLachlan

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