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December 07, 2015

Back in the '90s, there was a hip-hop song, "We're All in the Same Gang". It was a collaboration of West Coast rappers that promoted anti-gang violence. The message of the song is that we are all fighting the same battle so why fight each other. The relationship between women can be as precarious as gang-affiliations. If a new sister enters the arena, she is an enemy first until proven otherwise. I may be getting a little too deep but that has been my experience. Moving from city to city, I have been the new girl more often than not.

Saturday, I participated in a newly formed book club at my new church. My novel, Ruth's Awakening: A Love Story, was selected as the first book. I was a little nervous about this meeting. As a writer, I consider my novel my baby. I am very protective of it. I had to overcome the self-doubt that others would find the story as good as I thought it to be. Plus, I am the new girl. I was not sure what to expect.

We met at a local bakery. I handed out an agenda created to facilitate the conversation. In no time, everyone was opening up, laughing and talking. The characters in the novel became a mirror by which some attendees could see their own experiences reflected. The experience was revelatory.

October 13, 2015

The retrospective offers the most precise point of view. You know every twist and turn your life has taken - no surprises here. Often, I have looked upon my past and only recount my mistakes. If I had only done this or not done that - then . . . *insert perfect ending*. Evaluating your past successes and mistakes can be a painful process. Embrace it. Through it, you can make well-planned choices for a deliberate future. Life still happens but it is important to know that you have a choice in the matter.

To myself five years ago, I write:

Dear Felicia,

1. Enjoy the moment you are in. In five years, you will be in a different state - physically and metaphorically.

2. This extra weight will be a thing of the past. You will not be at your goal weight but you will have lost 35 plus lbs, have a fitness group of over 100 members, and be lifting weights.

3. Do not dwell on the past mistakes as much. Learn from them and move on. A choice made is just a choice. Do not torture yourself wondering what would have been if you had made a different choice.

4. The man you have been dreaming about is just that - a man and a dream. He will disappoint your fantasy of him and that is okay. You are more beautiful and desired than you have ever known.

5. Life is going to throw you some curve balls in every area - health, family and finances. Know that you are well-equipped for this battle and God has your back.

6. Please, Felicia, be kinder to yourself. You have accomplished so much already. You will be amazed by what you are going to do.

7. STOP, just STOP living in fear. You will curse the chance not taken because of playing it safe. Do not fret too much, you will get another opportunity to prove yourself brave. You will pass.

8. You will learn that it is okay to love and to lose because the joy is in the experience. Loving without any expectation of reciprocity is the purest love of all.

9. Once you have completed reading this letter, do not ponder it too much. Life is lived in the now.

September 24, 2015

I really tried to like Empire. It is a break out hit in its second season. Empire features beautiful brown faces on TV living the lifestyle of the rich and fabulous. It is a show EVERYONE posts and tweets about. I want to like it.

I. Just. Can't. #sorrynotsorry

Empire is a drama about the life of a music mogul and his family. Terrence Howard plays Lucious, Empires CEO, who is dying from cancer. He is grooming his three sons in the hopes that one of them will take over Empire after his death. Cookie, the children's mother, gets out of jail and comes to claim her portion of Empire. Drama ensues.

In the interest of full disclosure, I never watched Season 1. I could not get past Cookie (the show's matriarch) beating her son with a broom for disrespecting her. With yesterday being the season 2 premiere, I thought I would give the show a second chance.

I think I am too old to be wowed by smacking scenes and girl fights. Blame it on deja vu. Although I was a child in the 80s, I distinctly remember a remarkably similar series. It, too, was about a wealthy family with a strong patriarch at the helm of a an oil company. There is a sneaky ex-wife and even an openly-gay son. Sound familiar?

The show was Dynasty. It ran from 1981-1989. To me, Empire is the Dynasty of the new millennium, almost a carbon copy. Like that Usher song, Empire, you remind me of someone that I once knew and that is why I just can't get with you. Like the music Empire (the company's name in the show) produces, it is a remix full of samples of previous hit songs. I always prefer the oldies, the originals.

I will use my Wednesdays to do something else, like revitalize this blog.

July 11, 2015

Allow me to introduce myself, to paraphrase Jay-Z, my name is Felicia Malone. Like Jay, I am a lover of words – spoken or written verse. All forms tell a story. The art of storytelling is our heritage. In times past, that is how history was transferred from generation to generation. The word become immortal.

Middle of Nowhere, a filmby Ava Duvernay (of Selma fame), tells the story of Ruby who struggles to hold on to the love she has for her husband Derek who has been sentenced to eight years in prison. Ruby drops out of medical school to passionately stand and fight for her man who seems more resigned to his fate.

Duvernay uses well-crafted dialogue and imagery to tell a beautiful story of love and self-discovery from a black woman’s perspective. I love the added nuance of Ruby struggling to wrap her hair in a scarf, becoming frustrated with the act, and then tossing it to the side in silent acquiescence. Only a black woman who has performed this hair ritual would have added it to this scene. Its addition lends credence to the character and story.

4 Things Love:

Honesty - The honest portrayal of the affects the incarceration of black men have on the women left behind. Ruby, her sister Rosie and her mother Ruth are all single women struggling to connect with each other while coping with the harsh reality of the absence of men in each’s lives. This film illustrates the truth of how complicated and powerful the force of love is. It can make you willfully blind and selfless. If that same love is turn inward, it can make you brave.

The cinematography - It is the shot of Ruby’s left hand on a bed after a night with her lover that allows Duvernay to show the story and not tell it. There are multiple scenes where the directing and camera fill in the gap when the words are absent.

David Oyelowo - (also of Selma fame) is wonderful to watch. I kept looking for his British accent to slip through, lol. I think it is his gaze. It commands attention. I was left wanting to see what he would say and do next.

Omari Hardwick - (we are not worthy!) is so flipping gorgeous. He has that, ‘hood dude you cannot help but love even though your momma says he is no good,’ steeze on lock. There is a scene in which he almost cries that had me yelling at the screen, “I’ll wait eight years, baby!” ROTFL. Good looks aside, the brother can emote. Some handsome actors just stand there and flex. I give props to the guy for having genuine skillz.

This is my first review. I look forward to sharing with you other stories from African American women. I promise not to reveal too much, after all, I want you to see the films and support our sisters.

Please check out the Sundance Award winning fill Middle of Nowhere now streaming on Netflix.

June 14, 2015

This has been a trying week. In the middle of preparing to move to a new state, I was scheduled to work a week in Idaho. Specifically, I was working in the Idaho panhandle. After my 5 hour flight (including layover), it was an additional 6 hour drive (with the road construction) from the Spokane International Airport to Clarkston, WA where my hotel was located.

I didn’t want to eat at the airport because I have been trying to make healthier food choices. I get my rental car and start driving only to realize I am in the middle of the mountains and there are not a lot of pit stops. I see a sign for a Subway and take the next exit.

Back on the road again, I run into road construction. The two-lane highway became a one-lane highway. I was stuck for 30 minutes while the opposing lane passed. This happened twice.

In the last 30 minute leg of the drive, I had to cross a mountain. The kicker, I didn’t realize I was on a mountain until I happened to look over and see NOTHING. No trees, no guardrails – just a thousand feet drop if I veered to close to the edge. I was driving on the outer lane. I nearly panicked. I felt dizzy. I felt pressure in my ears. I had to quickly refocus and concentrate on the car in front of me.

June 03, 2015

I burned my right index finger Monday night attempting to turn chicken with a short fork. I reached into the oven just a little to deep a YOWZAA! My index finger has a grill mark.

I immediately put a cube of ice on it and the pain subsided but as soon as the thing melted the pain rebounded. I started looking for a quick remedy. I slathered antibiotic ointment on it. That made it worse. I got another cube of ice and the ointment congealed. I was in a bigger mess trying to avoid the pain of my little mistake in judgement. Note to self: always use a long fork when testing food in the oven. It's like cooking 101.

Finally, I just lay in bed. I began to try a mind over matter approach. I thought intensely about another part of my hand. It worked temporarily but I kept reverting to my darn finger. It was not the worse pain I had ever felt but geez did it hurt. Noting the futility of my efforts to minimize my suffering, I had new thought - just ride it out. I reasoned that the pain could only last a few minutes or maybe even an hour. I knew for certain that it would not last forever.

A funny thing happened. I went to sleep.

The next morning I hardly remembered the burn on my hand. I saw the scar - a reminder not to do something so stupid again - but the pain was gone.

Pain is our body's response to trauma. The nerves fire off intensely warning you to stop what you are doing. As my skin touched the heated metal coil my hand instantaneously jerked back. My body's instinct kicked in to protect me.

God has equipped us physically to avoid the damaging things that cause us pain. It will come. Loss, heartache and disappointment are a part of life. Pain is inevitable. You can lament your fate or evaluate the root cause and learn the lesson. Avoidance only leads to chaos. Numbing it with substance abuse or other quick fixes leads to worsening of the initial condition. Ride the wave.. No matter how high the crest, waves always crash. Pain does not last forever.

Standing in the sun outside of my office. I realized the heat is necessary. I closed my eyes and let the sun sink into my pores. I needed a vitamin D mood boost. The scar on my finger is shiny and brown. I have learned the lesson and the pain is gone.

May 19, 2015

The spoken word is a powerful phenomenon. You can think it in your mind, ponder it in your heart but the moment you speak the word, the universe shifts.

The Bible puts it this way,

"Likewise, the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark." James 3:5.

Words spark change in the environment. Fire destroys what cannot hold up to its heat. Fire also rejuvenates. It provides conditions for new terrain and growth.

I have been having a moment - an extended moment. This typically occurs when I am in the midst change. I wanted to move to a new city. The moment I let the words escape my lips, I was met with such fiery opposition - friends, postponements, rejections. So much so, I was beginning to doubt my decision.

Fire is hot yo! It changes your surroundings into the unfamiliar. My first instinct is to crawl back into an acceptable space and remain calm. I long for stability again - homeostasis. I am learning that you cannot take back your words just as you cannot undo a spark once the fire has begun.

In order for a hope to be real, it must be spoken. Once the words escape your lips, watch out! A fire can smolder gently or it can blaze. In the wilderness of transition it is uncomfortable, lonely and confusing at times. But, what else is there to do? I will allow the flames to incinerate doubt, fear, and worry. I will be open to the chances waiting beyond the ash - a new beginning and a new world of possibilities.

March 24, 2015

The best thing about a hard fought race is the finish line. It all begins with an idea which leads to developing a plan. Add some hard work and consistency. Eventually you break that tape.

The worst thing about a hard fought race is the finish line. Sweat covered brow, catching one's breath. The endorphin high gradually fades. You are left pondering - now what?

2014 was a year of completions. I completed my 2nd 5K. Most importantly, I finished my debut novel, "Ruth's Awakening: A Love Story". It was such a relief. I felt a huge sense of accomplishment. After the buzz of the initial release, I found myself pondering the question - now what?

Keep it moving.

I have to market this baby and grow my platform(s). I have to start book number two. I have to meet Oprah!!! That's what.

Life is a journey with a a series of land markers. You never really cross a "finish" line. The journey don't stop 'til the casket drop. Even then, I will be forever with my Lord.

Can the church say, Amen!

It took me seven years to finish this novel. There have been many drafts, rewrites, ending changes, and edits. The finished product is a milestone. A little bump on my road to destiny. I want other dreamers to spy the territory I have marked and, hopefully, it will make their journey that much easier.

December 30, 2014

The year's end is upon us. Cue the onslaught of reflections and resolutions. I resolve to <insert goal here>. Bring on those rhyming catch phrases, "In 2015, I'm getting in those size 10 jeans." lol

It is what it is.

For many, the New Year inspires hope for the future. For others, it can spark an onset of the blues. I was speaking with a friend who confided that he felt a bit down. The New Year's Blues, I suggested. I explained that when we reflect on how we have spent the year, often we focus on what we did not do quite right - the shoulda, coulda and wouldas. I found myself in a similar quagmire last night. In addition, a sand truck was dumping on all of the things I still had to do.

I inhaled and exhaled. Through the simple act of breathing, I began the process of letting go. The more I focused on the air entering my lungs and escaping my body, I relaxed. Every mistake made is already past. I can only move forward. Trying to relive the past is as futile as trying to recapture yesterday's air.

It came to me, like an epiphany. *cue Chrisette Michele*. I can let it all go and just breathe.

2015 Right now, I resolve to forgive myself for bad choices. I release myself to make good choices. I also acknowledge all of the things I have gotten right - 40 lbs gone, MBA received and first book published! Yeah me!!!!

This encompasses money, healthy, relationships, career, etc.

I would encourage anyone reading to embark on a journey of self-improvement. Read books, join clubs, expand your circle of friends. Empower yourself, through knowledge and experience, to make better choices. Like the old folk say, "You know better, you do better!"

November 03, 2014

Halloween was two days ago. I never really dress for the occasion anymore. If pressed, I just go as a gypsy. A little extra makeup, scarf and a long skirt and I have nailed it. No extra money spent, so forethought. As an adult, I understand that free candy is just an invitation to bloating and additional crunches.

#aintnobodygottimeforthat

I liked several Facebook photos of little children dressed as their favorite super hero. Apparently, I am old as I did not recognize half of them. I had to google 'yellow and blue costume' to know that my friend's son was The Wolverine. And, who the heck is Elsa? When I was kid, everyone was either Superman or a Ninja Turtle. The 80s rocked, lol.

Back then, I thought my mom was super human. A super woman of sorts who worked two jobs, fed us, and kept a roof over our heads. She did her best to rescue us from mistakes that she knew would take our lives down a hard path. She spoke to God and actually knew what we children were going to do before we could do it. Seemed pretty super human to me.

As I became a young woman, the mother-daughter dynamic became more difficult to manage. I have learned that the complexity of this relationship is standard. The power-dynamic changes as you get older. A mother no longer needs to or can make all of decisions. I had to move out and grow on my own. As a child becomes a woman, a mother's role must adapt as well. A daughter no longer needs to be rescued but respected.

1. You cannot be best friends because you are not equal.

Maya Angelou is quoted as saying, "Only equals make friends. Any other relationship is out of order." I and my mother did not go to school together. We never partied together. We did not raise our children together. Our life experiences are different. We can learn from each other but equal we can never be. She will always be ahead of the game.

2. Acknowledge mistakes but forgive.

Through life's ups and downs, I began to see the humanity of my own mother. She made mistakes and was sometimes wrong. That is okay. She is still a great mom and did her best with what she knew. We are still finding our balance. It is easier with me allowing my mom to be human and she seeing me as an adult.

3. Establish boundaries.

"Space - the final frontier." The opening sentence of Star Trek : Enterprise tv series. Exploring the boundaries of relationships is a work always in progress - learning what to discuss and to what extent. My mother remarried and some discussions (sex) still creep me out and are a no-fly zone. Maybe you are more mature than I am. I am okay with that.

4. Communicate

I talk to my mom almost every single day although there are more than 1,000 miles between us. Sometimes the conversation is less than 5 minutes but I make the effort to connect just to see how her day is going. Other times, the conversation is longer and more in depth. The blessing is that she is still around and able to talk to me so I never get to busy for her.