2018/11/08

Still adjusting to some of the behind the scenes changes to the blog. The blogroll has completely disappeared. I have no idea where it went or how to get it back. In fact, I have no idea how to do many things related to the blog anymore. But I’m okay with being clueless, just as I’m okay with being lost in general.

Sometimes the best experiences come along when you have no idea where you are or how to do something or, better still, the both simultaneously. That’s pretty much where I reside these days.

The only thing I know for certain is I’m still kicking about. That’ll do for now.

2018/10/20

Sorry for the blackout. Demonic code was the culprit. It’s probably a good thing it happened when it did because I was in a dark place, too, and you’d have been subjected to RANTS.

Of the many causes for my personal darkness, the kavanaugh debacle was one of the worst. It triggered several very traumatic memories, most of which I’ve written about before. That this man now sits on the Supreme Court is heartbreaking for many thousands of sexual assault survivors. That there are elected officials — WOMEN — who helped make it happen makes me want to vomit, even weeks later.

The only regret I have about this unintentional blackout is not being able to celebrate Little Dude’s birthday on the blog. L.D. just turned 22. For those who’ve been here from the beginning, it’s kinda shocking, isn’t it? He was 6 when I started blogging. Actually, 5½, but still, he was YOUNG! Now he’s a grown man who owns a truck, works hard at a job he enjoys, and he’s even more than I could have ever hope for all those years ago when he first arrived. His kindness, generosity, intelligence, and humor are still intact and I’m 100% proud of who he is. I’m grateful to be able to declare him my favorite son.

As I go about trying to catch up with everything, I’ll work on posting some of the writing I was doing offline. And I’ll try to update you with what’s happening in my wretched existence. (It’s not all dark, I promise.)

Sending out hugs to all of you… except that guy in the corner. No hugs for him.

2018/09/11

This is from 2015, but I have been thinking about this particular post for the past week and there’s no better time to revisit it.

And can we just take a moment to reflect on the fact it’s been SEVENTEEN YEARS??! It seems much more recent.

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When we think of this day, we often focus on the loss and the pain. It’s very natural for us to do so because it was a very painful time for our country. So many people lost so very much. But a lot of good has risen from the ashes of that dark day. Here’s a story from Bob Dotson:

He no longer put off anything that brought them joy. “If we’re lying on the floor and all of a sudden Victoria says, ‘Daddy, I want to go to the park,’ I’m like, ‘Oh, I don’t want to go to the park.’ That’s what I’m thinking, but I say, ‘Let’s go. We’re going to the park.’ ”

Robert shouted “Hang on, guys!” as the kids squealed with laughter. They were riding in a grocery cart, careening across the lot toward dad’s big SUV. “Why should I deprive my children from going shopping?” Robert said. “I see all the other mothers going shopping with their kids. Why can’t I do it?”

He raced alongside the grocery cart, jumped on its rear axle and pushed with a powerful leg. The children exploded with laughter again. “When my kids smile, the terrorists lose,” Robert said with a grin. “The people who killed Janet wanted to destroy our happy lives. They lost. We won.”

In his book American Story, Dotson also tells of a Newfoundland town that took in stranded passengers from several planes that were forced to land. It’s a beautiful story. The entire book is full of them. To say I recommend this book highly is an understatement. It’s what every American should read. Most particularly today. Go get yourself a copy and let each story remind you why America is so special, why we triumph even when faced with horrifying tragedy like September 11, 2001.

Today, while I remember the lives lost and those impacted by the the actions of hateful people, I will also remember the goodness and strength we found along the road to recovery. Neighbor helping neighbor. Children leading their parents. Strangers holding hands and offering whatever they could to ease another’s burdens. We have triumphed because that’s what America is all about.

2018/09/10

One of my go to methods to combat depression is watching a show I love.

I’m ten hours in (today alone) on Black Sails. Rewatching this show makes me feel like I can win just about any battle ahead. If Captain Flint and his pirates can face down England and Spain, as well as various mutinous factions within, I can surely prevail my technologically advanced first world problems, right?

P.S. I’ve appropriated the theme song for myself.

P.P.S. If you’ve not seen the show, look for it and watch. Four seasons. All worth your time. Get through the first season’s sex scenes (they’re important to the political climate for women… one of the few positions of power available to women of the time) and just dive into the golden age of piracy and the imagined events leading up to Treasure Island. It’s beautifully filmed, acted, and scored.

I’m working so hard to keep my head above water, to keep breathing, to just make sure I continue on each and every day.

Some days are really difficult. Pain, frustration with work comp, frustration with personal stuff, trying to not be in tears all the time make it very hard to keep the darkness away.

The one good thing work comp has done is give me some time with the therapist. Now all I have to do is get scheduled and somehow find transportation to the appointment. (Yet another reason I’m struggling emotionally. I’ve relied on K.A. so much over the years that I painted myself into a corner with regards to any independence, which was okay for a while, but has ultimately not worked in my favor. More on that some other time, perhaps.)

I only know I have to get my head right before the darkness becomes too loud and too convincing, y’know?

2018/08/20

We all judge ourselves by what we deem effortless by other people. It’s terribly unfair to ourselves and terribly unfair to those whose work or lives we admire.

Chris Addison wrote the best post about this very subject and I can’t think of a single thing to add to it. It’s brilliant as is.

Another thought: if you admire what someone else has created, let them know. Even if they never get your message, be it spoken or written or whatever, your thoughts add to the power and energy of goodness in the universe. We need that more and more every day.

2018/08/12

Fletch has been a lovely boy lately, allowing me to sleep a bit longer and cuddling up next to me. It’s so sweet and comforting to have him near. He’s my reason for getting up each morning and it’s good to have something to do each day so I don’t curl up and hide away from the world. Because, honestly, I would very much like to hide from everyone and everything when I’m hurting, which is a constant state of being these days.

Fletch is my greatest source of comfort. He’s always here to make me smile, to calm my nerves, to keep my mind working as I look for ways to challenge him (I don’t just hand him treats, I make him earn them).

I don’t know what I’d do without this goofy little guy. I adore everything about this nut.

2018/08/04

Talked with my big sister on the phone today. First time since her stroke. Her progress is remarkable! C’s speech is still slow, but it’s clear and that’s an amazing accomplishment. So many stroke patients don’t get back to even 50%.

Thank you for all your prayers! C still has a ways to go before she’s where she wants to be, but for me, this is a miracle and I will never not be grateful for her surviving this and for your support.

2018/08/02

ELO will always be a special band for me. When I was in 5th grade, my friend’s mom was dying and I got “Out of the Blue” for Christmas. She and I listened to the album over and over again that day as our parents talked grown-up talk. We continued to listen to it over the coming months as her mom’s condition deteriorated. We had all the lyrics memorized, knew every lick, knew the album forward and backward. We could name any tune in one note (a nod to her dad, who’d appeared on Name That Tune). It was our refuge during the darkest days. We listened to other albums, other artists, but when we were together it had to be ELO and “Out of the Blue”.

Don’t get me wrong! Just about any ELO album will make me happy. It’s just that I have a place in my heart for one in particular.

The first video is from “On the Third Day” and is probably the best rocker from any of their albums. I love it for that reason and I don’t think I need another, do you?

The second video is for a song I once knew so well I had every note, nuanced phrasing, and timing down pat. Also not from “Out of the Blue”, but still so worthy of being sung loud enough for all to hear.

This last one is a favored song for a couple reasons, one of which is because Zach Galifianakis used it for a bit on the penultimate episode of his late night show. And, if not for Zach, I’d never have started blogging.

2018/07/31

If you fill your glass with hate and fear, pour in your worries about the past and future, you’re probably going to be miserable. If you fill your beaker with love and caring, miracles can happen, wars can end, people can be different. That’s the secret. We all can change. You just have to take meanness and turn it into gold. With that, the war is over.

2018/07/29

If you’ve read the Secret Squirrel post ( because you know where the password can be found [it hasn’t changed location or the actual word]), then you’ll need to cleanse your palate. I might have just the thing for you.

Why is it that I can sometimes use almost an entire roll of toilet paper in one sitting and have no problem with the flush, but other times I barely use any and the toilet requires double plunging?

I’m sure it has more to do with the crappy (pun intended) plumbing than it does my bathroom needs/habits. But, y’know I had to put the question out there.