Whitechapel - OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (March/April 2013)2015-03-31T17:09:52-05:00http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/
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OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (March/April 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11026&Focus=350417#Comment_3504172013-03-24T06:36:31-05:002015-03-31T17:09:52-05:00Horrible Warning Sihttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=1223
The Rules:
The THREE ACT SPEAKEASY is here for you to vent, to express, and to learn. This is your chance to perform -- but you're also in the audience, guv, and are expected to behave as such. So ...
The THREE ACT SPEAKEASY is here for you to vent, to express, and to learn. This is your chance to perform -- but you're also in the audience, guv, and are expected to behave as such. So your skits at the steely Whitechapel microphone will ALL and ALWAYS be divided into three sections:

2: The Huzzah. Wherein you tell us something which goes just a teensy way to mitigating the effects of the psychic turd you just laid on our heads. Perhaps it's a tiny hint of hope in an otherwise bleak situation. Perhaps it's an unrelated Thing Which Happened which made you smile rather than frown. Shit, maybe it's just a silly joke. Show us you can cope as well as carp.

3: The Applause. You will choose one of your fellow whitechapellers, from this same thread. Doesn't have to be the person who posted before you - just someone whose story touched you. And you will offer them a word of advice, or comfort, or support, to help them with their own SECTION 1 Whinge. Doesn't have to be much. A sentence, a word, a bloody emoticon - whatever. Just a paltry donation to the art of Thinking Of Others. And try to avoid schmaltz, please, or the Urethral Maggots will feast anew. Circle of life, kids.

Naturally, the first person to respond here is excused from Stage 3.

Begin.]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (March/April 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11026&Focus=350420#Comment_3504202013-03-24T10:46:05-05:002015-03-31T17:09:52-05:00Bombus Hortorushttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=2485
No Fun
Story of my sodding life. The weather is crap. No snow, just really cold and dreary. I decided not to let it beat me; I also wanted to do at least one thing this weekend that wasn't a ...
No Fun

Story of my sodding life. The weather is crap. No snow, just really cold and dreary. I decided not to let it beat me; I also wanted to do at least one thing this weekend that wasn't a frantic and largely futile attempt to keep on top of work. So I drove down to the sea, Hayling Island, for a stroll on the shore and to take some bleak seascapes. All very well. Then I knocked the tripod over and smashed my lens. I'd been really stupid and taken the skylight filter off it, which was dirty, thinking I wasn't really going to go far and I had nothing to clean it with. And so blam. Instead of a cheap filter to replace, the lens is totalled. Front element is fucked. I paid £200 (added it to my already large debt mountain) for it and had it all of six weeks. Thankfully the camera is OK, but this kind of shit seems to happen to me every single fucking time I get off my arse and try and do something useful? Whether it's mending something, creating something, whatever, I end up messing up. And I never seem to learn/have a run of good luck… Nobody died, but, just for once, can't I manage to stay expensive fuck up free for a while?

That follows my windscreen randomly breaking on Friday - insured, but £70 excess. And we have no shower, and no cold tap in the bathroom. To run a bath, one has to run the hot, and carry jugs of cold water from the sink to cool it down.

In the real world - that Richard Littlejohn/Daily Mail thing. Cowards, bullies, scum. Really, really sickened and saddened by that.

Real Cool Time

My daughters are beautiful and smart. Stroppy, demanding, but beautiful and smart. Easter means 4 days off work. If I can get through the next three days without killing someone, I might get the chance to catch my breath.

I Wanna Be Your Dog

From the predecessor thread - @Rachael - fingers crossed for a diagnosis… clarity would be good…]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (March/April 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11026&Focus=350577#Comment_3505772013-03-26T20:06:22-05:002013-03-27T03:30:26-05:00chris ghttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=1829
Boo: Been a while since I checked in to one of these. Well, the store I've worked at shut down at the end of February so I'm jobless but hanging in there somehow. That boss used to have three stores ...
Boo: Been a while since I checked in to one of these. Well, the store I've worked at shut down at the end of February so I'm jobless but hanging in there somehow. That boss used to have three stores open at the same time and we were cookin business wise, then ended up with one and now it's over but shit happens. I'm a fuck up so I can only hope to find work in a warehouse or some shit. At least I will get to build muscles from lifting heavy shit and not pay a gym. The salesman thing was okay for a while but I can only smile through my teeth at gross people for so long. I'm trying to be more of a simple man these days. Like the Skynard song. All I need is in my soul :P

Yay: I don't know, haha. The only things keeping me happy lately are still creating art and mainly supporting indie wrestling. The shit on Monday nights leaves me numb and cold, but stuff like Chikara fills with this fucking joy and appreciation I haven't felt in a long time. It's a blast to be supporting it and I hope I can do art for their dvds one day! Hmm. Also I got my weight down to 156-159'ish which is a long ways away from when I was 187 not very long ago! I've been through this maybe twice before so this time I plan to stay in health nut mode since I ain't getting any younger.

Plawz: Oldhat - Glad you got through that encounter without letting em see you weak. I haven't seen an ex for over ten years, I've played scenarios in my head but after so much time I'd probably just be nonchalant about it. Or go home and scream into a pillow, who knows.Roo - Glad you're safe. Hate that you have to deal with that kind of stuff =[]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (March/April 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11026&Focus=350586#Comment_3505862013-03-27T03:19:11-05:002015-03-31T17:09:52-05:00Flabyohttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=1306
Let's see...
On the down low:
This endless winter has really sapped my enthusiasm. I grant you it's not really all that cold in the UK compared to other places, but it's the end of March and it ...
On the down low:

This endless winter has really sapped my enthusiasm. I grant you it's not really all that cold in the UK compared to other places, but it's the end of March and it should at least be looking a little like Spring by now.

I'm still plugging away on my iOS game, but I'm barely getting more than a day or two of work out of myself per week because I'm feeling so utterly apathetic. I had a bit of a think about what might be wrong, and it seems to come down to this:

I don't have any ambitions anymore. When I was a kid, going through school, I wanted to be a games coder. Everything I did at college and then university was based around that goal. I graduated, became a games coder, and then spent the next 14 years making videogames. Games that sold pretty well, games that won awards (I have two BAFTAs, well, as part of teams 100 strong, but still...). Then I got made redundant.

The problem seems to be that I haven't found a new goal. Making a game by myself doesn't seem to be getting me going like I hoped it would.

On the up:

I still have plenty of time to sort myself out though. My redudancy package was extremely generous, so I'm pretty much funded to fly solo for at least another year. I don't expect to take quite that long to work out what I really want to do next.

Also: BioShock Infinite is amazeballs. Proof that this generation of gaming can still spring the odd wonderful title amongst all the cloned mediocrity.

To you all:

Stay strong, we will weather this endless winter together!]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (March/April 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11026&Focus=350588#Comment_3505882013-03-27T04:02:58-05:002015-03-31T17:09:52-05:00mister hexhttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=4411
THE LOOK THAT SAYS "UH OH"
My job is a soul-destroying piece of shit. My immediate supervisor is okay but all he does is complain about the higher ups. So does everyone else. I keep my ...
My job is a soul-destroying piece of shit. My immediate supervisor is okay but all he does is complain about the higher ups. So does everyone else. I keep my head down, do my work and go home.

Home is pretty wretched, too. I'm usually skint (see above) so I don't really go out anywhere, like, ever (nowhere to go, anyway. Nothing that interests me in the slightest. I used to be exciting, fun, a bon vivant, life of the party. I used to paint the town red. Now I'm lucky if I can muster up enough energy to catch the bus. I usually can't.

Anhedonia - the inability to feel pleasure. (It was the original title of Annie Hall but execs made him change it.) Everything I used to be passionate about is now dull, gray, useless. My "creative pursuits" (HA!) have stalled and I've no real interest in reviving them or working towards accomplishing anything. And yet, I must. But what's the point?

I have seen contemporaries of mine excell. People who are nowhere NEAR as talented as me and ooh, look! They're doing this, they're all about that, they have another book coming out. All I get are lies and pipe dreams and sketchy charlatans exploiting me. If ONE MORE PERSON offers me a "great gig, no money, though" proposition, I fear I'll do some damage.

AND I LOVE IT WHEN PEOPLE WHISTLE AT ME AS IF I'M A FUCKING DOG, EXPECTING ME TO COME BOUNDING OVER, ALL TONGUE AND WAGGING TAIL. (I was being SARCASTIC there.)

I just want to light things on fire. Anything, as long as it burns.

SILVER LINING!

(... uh oh ... there's that look again ... )

Anger is good for my writing. So far, I've produced some real fucking quality. And I like the fact that I can metaphorically punch the audience in the face repeatedly as HARD AS I WANT and nobody gets actually hurt. (Except the audience.) The real bonus is that once I'm done, all those cunts will eat their fucking hearts out and trip all over themselves to try to be my friends. At which point, I will certainly light them on fire.

TO Y'ALL - No personal responses, I'm afraid. Just a blanket I LOVE YOU and a sincere promise not to light any of YOU on fire.]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (March/April 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11026&Focus=350734#Comment_3507342013-03-29T21:09:16-05:002013-03-29T21:10:00-05:00DavidLejeunehttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=4220
The Yay: I got a job again, finally.
The Boo: I FUCKING HATE IT. Back to being a temp tester employed through a staffing agency, so my pay is crap, I get no benefits to speak of, I'll eventually ...
The Yay: I got a job again, finally.

The Boo:I FUCKING HATE IT. Back to being a temp tester employed through a staffing agency, so my pay is crap, I get no benefits to speak of, I'll eventually be working completely silly hours when crunch hits, and I get to utilize very little of the skills or expertise that I have gained and/or honed over the past seven years of working in the industry.

Additionally, I am testing the latest entry in a franchise that I actively despise (which means that if I manage to work there long enough to get promoted out of QA, I'd likely spend the rest of my career making additional entries in said franchise and hating every minute of it. Though more likely with the way things are going in the industry, this particular franchise's bubble will likely burst in a year or so and I'd get laid off when the publisher closes the studio), and the tools provided are woefully inadequate, resulting in an excessive amount of the kind of busywork testing that I spent the better part of four years arguing, and (imo) proving, was needless (they also don't appear to utilize any form of automated testing at this particular company, which would save a lot of people a lot of time and energy. If I had a devkit I'd maybe be able to set up some automated controller tests on the Xbox 360, but for reasons unbeknownst to me, we don't test on devkits. Even though the newest ones are significantly cheaper).

Thirditionally: A lot of the testers (and at least one of the leads) I'm working with are displaying the kind of lack of technical knowledge or even curiosity that drives me nuts (because I feel that's the kind of attitude that will keep video game QA ghettoized as an 'unskilled' job) and will almost certainly result in me regaining my reputation of being kind of a smug superior asshole merely because I actually read the bits of the SDK and API documentation that were pertinent to TCR testing at my last job and thus kind of know how stuff works (inadvertently started to lay the foundation for that today, unfortunately).

So I'm not feeling that this particular job at this particular studio is the best fit for me. Luckily, it appears that another local studio is hiring QA Testers as full time regular employees, not temps (at least according to their Twitter person when I asked. Will clarify that if I get an interview, but it seems likely considering the requirements in the job listing and that nowhere in the listing is the position called out as temp/contract/via another corporate entity), and I used to work with their QA Director when he was a lead and later an associate producer at my last company. So I'm going to apply there.

Hugsplauseration@Flabyo: Man, I hear you on the 'trying to be an indie dev' thing. I feel confident in saying that your unfinished iOS game is almost certainly way the hell better than my unfinished Android game (which is itself on indefinite hold until I can commission an artist and/or find the time to wrap my head around the wi-fi direct APIs).]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (March/April 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11026&Focus=350744#Comment_3507442013-03-30T02:14:20-05:002015-03-31T17:09:52-05:00Flabyohttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=1306
@David - thanks for the support, it means a lot. It sounds to me like your ideal job would be as an SDET rather than a tester. Only the bigger companies have those unfortunately though.
SDET rather than a tester. Only the bigger companies have those unfortunately though.]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (March/April 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11026&Focus=350751#Comment_3507512013-03-30T05:38:11-05:002015-03-31T17:09:52-05:00texturehttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=1472
Haven't done one of these for a while, so here goes.
THE GOOD
The job(s) have settled down into a holding pattern now, and the last of the steady pay-cheques I was waiting for materialised ...
THE GOOD

The job(s) have settled down into a holding pattern now, and the last of the steady pay-cheques I was waiting for materialised today, meaning financially, the pressure's off, at least until June. God, June's not far off is it? Shit. Anyway... The first few months of working for the paper left me no time at all for anything else, but now I'm settled, I'm writing fiction again, writing beats and writing lyrics. That's after a day in the office writing journo stuff. So I'm doing a lot of writing, and when I'm not doing that I'm teaching literature and creative writing. Creatively and professionally I'm making progress, slowly but steadily, towards my goals. The novel is at third draft stage (taken me since August 2011 to get here, from notebook to (I hope) final draft). The next album is about 50% written, and it's a transatlantic collaboration I'm v. excited about. I'm also getting to travel a lot - commuting and travelling by train makes me very happy, as I like to work on the train, and love being on the move. Seeing new cities makes me happy. Manchester was exciting, am revisiting Bristol in May, Ferropolis and Berlin in Germany in July...

THE BAD

I still really relate to what mister hex is saying about creative pursuits, though. I'm lucky enough to have had a break in journalism, and some of the bands I've helped promote are going great guns. But as a rapper/performer I still can't get arrested in my home town, and gigs have been few and far between, in tiny venues, with the same ten friends showing up (for which I'm hugely grateful), and the same lack of interest from any crowd of people I see. People I've collab'd with are doing much better. My stuff does well online, but live and in my town, it's exactly what hex said. Play for free, expect to be grateful.

I don't even get invited to do the big poetry nights any more - fair enough I took a break, and turned down a few spots, but now I'm almost persona non grata. That kind of sucks, as I was a mainstay of that little scene for several years. What's more it's now got a 'buzz' from newspaper articles, blogs; there are folk getting booked for festivals. It's just weird to see bands I've worked hard for get press and attention, and nights I set up get praise in the press, and I get no mention, no credit and no bookings out of it.

I think to make a success of creative pursuits you have to do three things - the first is network, and get on with people you have no respect for, and you know are only into your friendship/conversation for their own benefit. That's tough, especially for a depressive type,paranoid, who always questions people's motives... and that's me to a tee. BUT if you can do this without becoming one of those people, you're onto something. The second thing you have to do is 'give the people what they want' - pander to people's expectations, don't touch controversial topics EVER unless you're preaching to the choir, and always do your best, most appealing stuff at big gigs. Don't make waves, don't try new shit. Thirdly, you have to do just ONE thing. I think some of what puts people off me as a performer, a person and a promoter is that I do many things. I'm a poet, a journalist, a fiction writer, a rapper, a label-runner. That makes people uncomfortable. If I'd picked one, I'd be succeeding at it, maybe. I refuse to pick, so I remain a perennial outsider at all of them.

Also because I am an antisocial bastard who would rather speak through a screen.

To conclude the above bleak, cynical, probably deeply mistaken rant above, I'd like to offer the thesis that if you do creative shit "for the love" and refuse to stop, no matter how many obstacles you encounter, or how long it takes, or how little recognition you get, and simply never fucking compromise, then sometimes, just sometimes, the world comes looking for you. Just keep churning it out. Don't stop. That's my approach anyway.

To @everyone I am still here, reading your posts and laughing, sympathising, generally going SQUEEE, even if I don't post much in here any more. Love to you all.]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (March/April 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11026&Focus=350755#Comment_3507552013-03-30T11:31:59-05:002013-03-30T11:35:54-05:00DavidLejeunehttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=4220
@Flabyo: the problem with me being an SDET is that every time I've seen the position listed it requires a B.S. in Computer Science 'or equivalent experience,' and I'm a college dropout and I'm pretty ...
requires a B.S. in Computer Science 'or equivalent experience,' and I'm a college dropout and I'm pretty sure the programming I've done doesn't meet the 'equivalent experience' requirement (I've only made one tool from scratch that worked, and it was mostly re-purposing an existing API demo. I'm pretty sure I can figure out some other ones now, but I'd need a devkit, an up to date SDK, and to be left alone for a few hours/ a couple of days to do it).]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (March/April 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11026&Focus=350771#Comment_3507712013-03-30T17:36:55-05:002015-03-31T17:09:52-05:00razrangelhttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=2075
vv - I have no money, no love and no alcohol. Pitiful. Just sad. There's no where to run while thinking about how much I suck. I mean, I know the easiest and best way is to confront the feeling ...
All of this takes time, and luck, and just going at it again and again. Trying to find paying work. Auditioning or applying again and a-fucking-gain. And hitting the gym over and over. And being patient because I have so little control over the food I eat, so denying myself crappy food is all I got, I don't have any options for actually good food. And the dating game? Oh fuck me, if I could just accept being celibate & alone.

^^^ - Despite the whining, it's actually been very good over here in razrangel-land. Nothing materially great - that would gainsay the above - but lovely internal motion that keeps the above from being overwhelming. Mostly.

And it is seriously internal, having to do with my spirituality and faith. Writing anything out that regards it starts to feel weird - as I say, friends an associates are presumed atheist until professed otherwise. So talking about spiritual revelation and inner calling and the like get uncomfortable when I feel like it's either going to be skimmed or ridiculed.

But I can tell you one funny thing - I've been assuming society called middle age as starting from one's mid-thirties till about 60, maybe 65. I've been assuming I am middle aged, I can't call myself young or anything like that. A couple of days ago, though I was corrected pretty thoroughly, AND IT WAS THE BEST THING EVAR. I *totally* fucking felt like I gained another ten years on my life! (Yes I know they were always there, shut up.) I realized that I wasn't stuck with thinking of my 20s as a waste and now I only had my remaining middle age to create the main thrust of my life.

I still am kind of annoyed to think that I wasted my 20s. and I didn't even waste them in a fun way. Usually people mean drug use and meaningless sex, and yes there was some of that, but not enough to create waste. I wasted my life in an office instead of pursuing my calling in theatre & performance and I wasted time (though I'm loathe to admit this because I want to be romantical and shit and say no one in my life is/was a waste but...) with a guy(s) when I knew we were just having fun and weren't going to move in any serious directions.... But, as I wrote then, it's fantastic that I'm not done yet with the foundational work of my life. I'm not stuck with the last draft! I'm still writing my prologue! YES! It's stupid how wonderful it felt to realize that.

<<< OUR CLASS: My theatre company's kickstarter is stalling out and we're running out of time. (Other people have gotten the embed to work here, but I never have so fuck it.) And it's kinda of freaking me out. But other people don't seem panicked. But it's scary. It was set up before I could say anything about Indiegogo and keeping all the pledged funds even if the goal isn't met.... ARgh. The show opens in a week, if we don't have the funds we have to start all fucking over again and in a state of utter and complete panic. Grah. Other business-y thing about my company aggravate me and...again... it feels like I'm the only one who is aggravated until the shit goes down and then everyone starts running around crying about shit that's broken and I'm standing around going "I've been telling you for months that it's going to break!" *grumble*

>>>> You fab people, you. You've no idea how much I admire you.@Mister Hex, thank you for not setting me on fire. Much appreciated. I normally refuse work that doesn't pay unless...I want to do the work. For I am whimsical. But I ain't going to pay to work, and that exactly what I'm doing when I have to put out the money to put gasoline in my truck and food in my belly while on the road, just to get to the fecking theatre. At minimum give me gas money or piss off. (Unless I really like you or your project. But I probably don't.)@texture YES on the three things, and their drawbacks. You work your art like it's your very own baby, spoiled by your own hands and loved and supported until you could puke. And then you go see about selling your art and you have to drown the baby in a bathtub and tack up its drying corpse to the wall just so people can sniff and say "didn't we see something more interesting next door?" Love it. It's an artform unto itself, learning how to sell your shit. I won't stop.@David Sorry this gig is not the gig for you. At least it's supposed to be easier to find other work when your working? Ugh. *hug*]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (March/April 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11026&Focus=350777#Comment_3507772013-03-30T19:37:57-05:002015-03-31T17:09:52-05:00Peter Kellyhttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=3000
The good
I fucking love the project I am working on. I returned to tv editing full time about 6 weeks ago, and last week started in on a web series/sitcom. Scripted comedy. And it's good. Not ...
I fucking love the project I am working on. I returned to tv editing full time about 6 weeks ago, and last week started in on a web series/sitcom. Scripted comedy. And it's good. Not perfect by any means, but it's one of the best things I have every worked on, and I'm determined to do right by it, and make it even funnier then how it was written. Also, I'm going to build a fucking spaceshipI've got my own webseries to make, and it requires the cockpit to a spaceship and DAMMIT, I am going to be building one in a 7-8 weeks. (I can't build shit, but Greasemonkey gave me some solid advice and I've roped in some one who knows what they are doing to help me)

The BadMoney is tight as all hell, with property taxes due this time of year. BUT fuck it, I'm going to be building a Spaceship!

The (predictably titled) ugly.@hex....lets have that whiskey already. I've become a poor homebody myself, but for you I will trek out to your place and bring forth some intoxicant. I've cleaned out my liver (4+ weeks without a drink) so I'm ready to get back into the swing of things.@everyone....I've been away too long, but thank you for sharing. I love this place, I love your openness, and I can't give you any meaningful advice other then to say, attitude is everything. I've hated my job, I've hated my cashflow and I've cursed about it. It did shit all to improve the situation. Look on the bright side, even if all it changes is how you feel. That's enough. That's everything. (It's really fucking hard, I struggle with it, but it really is everything) Mad love to you all. Honest to god, you people kept me sane when I hated pretty much everything. I'll love this place forever for that.]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (March/April 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11026&Focus=350784#Comment_3507842013-03-31T02:26:27-05:002015-03-31T17:09:52-05:00Flabyohttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=1306
@David - I think there's an MCSE you can take that might help on the qualifitcation front for SDET roles. To be fair, being in test for a long time counts as relevant experience to me, and you don't ...
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (March/April 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11026&Focus=350785#Comment_3507852013-03-31T05:27:44-05:002015-03-31T17:09:52-05:00Bombus Hortorushttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=2485
And so it continues
Easter. Have four days off. First weekend in ages that I haven't had to seriously worry about paid work, can take a proper break (and yeah, I've spent a huge amount of time ...
Easter. Have four days off. First weekend in ages that I haven't had to seriously worry about paid work, can take a proper break (and yeah, I've spent a huge amount of time sleeping). Photography has been a bit frustrating, yes, what with breaking stuff, and the weather so let's try music. Fire up my sequencer, and what's this? All the audio drivers are corrupted. So reinstall everything. OK, we're ready. Hang on, my plug ins don't work… try reinstalling. Nope. OK, we'll carry on without them. Let's have a synthesiser? No that plug in doesn't work either. Try another… wait - where's the keyboard? Nope - the midi drivers for that have gone. Reinstall those and reboot the computer? No - no avail.

So I give up and come back to it in the morning. Still no midi drivers. Maybe it's the cable? Unplug that try and remove the usb cable; and the electric radiator falls off the wall and knocks a whole bunch of other stuff over. Still. I get the keyboard working by moving the cable to a different usb port. Then the drum track loses all volume randomly. I can't work that out. And then something on one of the usb ports decides to randomly beep as if it's just been plugged in. I spent loads of cash and time sorting this damn machine out and I had it all working properly and I leave it for a few weeks and it just disintegrates.

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME? Am I channelling the warring spirits of Laurel and Hardy? Can I blame it on being left handed? Do I go and join a zen monastery for a few years? I leave things for a bit, come back to them when I've calmed down, and it all still goes wrong. I can't remember a time when things were different. Yeah, still, noone died, but I'm becoming very frustrated and very bitter. I've got so little time and energy in the first place, what with ridiculous day job, insane commute and four kids, every bit of time I can spend on creative pursuits is really precious, but I can't even record a note of music any more without hours of dicking with gear and by the time I get things working I've lost all inspiration and am so worked up and jaded I can't carry on.

Better...

Found a replacement lens for £150. Not bad. Still a tragic waste of cash though. Good a really good annual review at work, which I wasn't expecting.

Luurve...

@ Texture - I'm reading your last para and thinking, 'no, you're right, don't stop...'. One day, things will work... @Raz - I wasted my twenties in a fog of booze and self destruction, and most of my thirties trying to figure out where I'd gone so wrong. Oddly, it may have been my office job that kept me with some semblance of an anchor. Now I'm looking at 40, I'm finding a new confidence and (slowly) a new optimism. I spent a bit of time thinking 'am I middle aged'? and concluding that I don't actually care that much what artificial bracket I fall into...]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (March/April 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11026&Focus=350791#Comment_3507912013-03-31T09:36:16-05:002015-03-31T17:09:52-05:00Steerpikehttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=1699
Doug McClure:
Current meds make it difficult for me to go to sleep, have other side effects - but deal with my anxiety. Being off meds means I just want to sleep all the time and I become a raging ...
Doug McClure:

Current meds make it difficult for me to go to sleep, have other side effects - but deal with my anxiety. Being off meds means I just want to sleep all the time and I become a raging asshole. Not looking forward to another round of 'Guess which meds work the best while sucking the least?' Also, got estimate from body shop for repairs to my car, $1800 before insurance.

Peter Cushing:

Last week of online writing class, and while it needs a LOT of reworking and fleshing out, I have a story structure for what I"ve been calling The Goddamn Story for a year or two now. A non-train-resembling light is visible.

Barbara Steele

@David: One of my housemates got QA jobs with just DeVry and Army Signal Corps training, I think. I can ask him if he has any pointers.@Everyone: Keep on keeping on]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (March/April 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11026&Focus=350822#Comment_3508222013-04-01T03:15:07-05:002015-03-31T17:09:52-05:00texturehttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=1472
@JP & @Razrangel - That was a bit of a cynical, bitter, naive rant on my part. The other side of the story is how lucky I am to be able to share my art, at all, with anyone and I am grateful ...
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (March/April 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11026&Focus=350829#Comment_3508292013-04-01T06:19:52-05:002013-04-01T09:32:29-05:00fleckyhttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=8949
Fucking Honesty:
These past few weeks have been a killer, they really have. I'm not much good at putting things into words, but I'll give it a go. When I'm on my own, my head goes to some pretty ...
These past few weeks have been a killer, they really have. I'm not much good at putting things into words, but I'll give it a go. When I'm on my own, my head goes to some pretty bloody horrible places, but when I'm sometimes around folk I've just been getting irritable, angry, stupid and generally just acting like the fool I am. People tend to think I'm a funny fucker, which doesn't really help when your having a panic attack of the soul and you feel like your dying inside.

(Gods, this post is riddled with mental illness!)

My mind will not shut the hell up - it's like I've got Joe Pesci in there calling me a degenerate fucking fuck, some pretentious, big-nosed, intellectual arsehole calling me a stupid idiot other times, and people from my past who've got their shit together dissing me etc. These, and other inner critics, just want to send me back down the well-worn path of self destruction. Motherfuckers, I'm at war with my own head!

I dunno; sometimes, I utterly despise my humanity and think it's all just a big joke. This can be real dangerous, as I've got no real fear of death at all. And I'm not a goddamn superhero, just a fairly humble man trying to make it through the day without adding anymore shit to this messed-up world.

I'll try to add something good to this later, but I've got to go out to drink coffee and smoke yet more cancer sticks. Sorry to break format, like.]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (March/April 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11026&Focus=350831#Comment_3508312013-04-01T08:00:55-05:002015-03-31T17:09:52-05:00Rootfireemberhttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=1551
Dark:
It's been snowing. Apparently the weather didn't get the memo that winter was to get the fuck out.
My brain's been osculating between various asshole, depression thoughts, and occasional ...
Dark:It's been snowing. Apparently the weather didn't get the memo that winter was to get the fuck out.My brain's been osculating between various asshole, depression thoughts, and occasional sparks of creativity. Meds can't touch the season. I really miss spring/summer/plants. I miss plants. I usually hate plants....Stepdad's in grumpy mood, as is mom. I feel like a failure around them. Like even just breathing--- I'm near them and I'm SURE everything I'm doing is somehow wrong in ways I will NEVER fathom, and I just wait for them to pounce. Even on days they don't it's there...Sometimes I have panic attacks if I'm trying to rest and hear my stepdad upstairs. Just ...this horrible feeling of terror that makes me shake and shake until it passes.

Light:We had a day with sunlight. I felt good then. I've started a new art project. I've got good internet friends and coworkers who try real hard to help me through this shit, and I'm grateful for them. Moving to the basement's been a mixed bag, but at least now I have a place to create.

@Flecky- Seems like this time of year makes any type of mental illness an asshole to deal with. :P Lotsa hugs your way, and hoping your brain stops being an asshole to you soon.]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (March/April 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11026&Focus=350832#Comment_3508322013-04-01T08:25:16-05:002015-03-31T17:09:52-05:00mister hexhttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=4411
WINE IN THE MORNING
Easter Monday. Today, in 1917, the third battle of Ypres began. The battle that included the taking of Vimy Ridge, a point of pride for Canadians. (Germans took it back a month ...
Easter Monday. Today, in 1917, the third battle of Ypres began. The battle that included the taking of Vimy Ridge, a point of pride for Canadians. (Germans took it back a month later but oh well.)

The weather is shit and I have to work tonight. I'M TIRED, I'm so tired I can barely see. I'm almost broke again. Cut up my hand making dinner yesterday. I do not like pain. Everytime I get it, it hurts. The house still smells like fucking turnip.

BREAKFAST AT NIGHT

Had a lovely dinner - turkey, mashed potatoes, lovely, lovely. Made my signature pasta chicken dish as well and still have some left-over and guess what? It's even better cold than hot. I have to say, I've had to become a cook and I quite like it. I enjoy cooking. I am fearless in a kitchen, even though I know practically all of my skills need serious upgrading. Perhaps I'll take a cooking class or something. In any event, I look forward to cooking more and I honestly never thought I'd say that.

Also, have a new project. (An old project revived, actually, which is even better.) and new passion for it. Bounced it off a couple of people and they went "WHOA. Really? That sounds AMAZING." Now, I just have to put one foot in front of the other until it's done.

BEGINNING TO SEE THE LIGHT @flecky - Silence the inner critics. At least throw a mental blanket over their heads. Then it's just stupid murmurs of stupid critics from under a blanket. They don't have the courage to look you in the eye because they don't exist.

@jp - keep on truckin', man. @Peter Kelly - Awesome! My girlfriend lives in the High Park area. We should totes have a dinner party, soon!

@all- How does it feel, to be loved?]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (March/April 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11026&Focus=350834#Comment_3508342013-04-01T08:58:25-05:002015-03-31T17:09:52-05:00oldhathttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=75
@flecky, I definitely know how you feel, man. Being alone on my own is like locking me in a room with my worst enemy who was raised to hate me since birth.
But hey, fighting those voices like ...
But hey, fighting those voices like we've got nothing to lose gives us an edge. Stay strong and take down the bastards.]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (March/April 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11026&Focus=350853#Comment_3508532013-04-01T15:49:49-05:002015-03-31T17:09:52-05:00hankhttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=79
The good:
work has decided to not explode and put me out on my ass, apparently making what my team does more visible was what was needed. My boss still continues to undersell all of our work, but ...
work has decided to not explode and put me out on my ass, apparently making what my team does more visible was what was needed. My boss still continues to undersell all of our work, but hey, we don't need him. Apparently the internal message board, three chords and the truth are what we need.

There's a woman. Wow. I can happily blame the Love Swami for this. This is- mind blowing.

The Bad:My Annual review is now put off possibly until next year. Possibly no cost of living raise. Damnit, i kind of had plans for that money. But, as a company, we are putting on our grown up pants, so this is a good thing long term.

For WhiteChapel

Winter can only stay so long. Hang in there my friends. It's a fucker, but we've survived worse. Summer will be here soon and we will all be back on some sort of track.]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (March/April 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11026&Focus=350886#Comment_3508862013-04-02T20:29:43-05:002015-03-31T17:09:52-05:00razrangelhttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=2075
@JP It's funny, last week I would have totally said I didn't care about my age, I had to do what i had to do. There's never been a point in time where I thought one was too old to try something new; ...
But realizing I'm not technically (well, definitionally) middle aged gave me a new lease to feel like my prologue isn't done. I'm not done writing my opening; I'm not stuck having to live my life in view of everything that came before. Which kind of goes against the idea of reinvention, but that's what it really feels like when you're 36 and have been living with your parents once again for the past few years. I dunno, I guess it's kind embarrassing that I was so affected by realizing that I wasn't yet middle aged.

@texture - I try not to think of it that way, and I try to find the artistry and joy still in getting to practice my art for commercial uses, but it's narrow work. When I was copy writer there was a kind of a joy in finding the right word to meet some really stringent demands. That was my art. But in the end the purpose of what I was creating was to sell so many widgets, not destroy and recreate the English as I sometimes wish I could do when I write for myself. In going into voice acting, and especially in focusing on commercials first, I have to acknowledge that I'm doing what I rather tried to avoid when I was studying acting back in school. Back then, and now, I'd rather push the boundaries of the art and discover expression and have a fucking moment with an audience. The plan was never to grin and spit out some horseshit about the best skin cream for that rash. But dammit, I'll do that too (and I'll do it bloody well, thank you) and I'll be fucking ecstatic to get paid to act. *shrug* That's the gig.]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (March/April 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11026&Focus=350897#Comment_3508972013-04-03T06:13:11-05:002015-03-31T17:09:52-05:00Morachttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=10266
Shit:
Rapidly approaching burnout. Three major projects finishing up in three weeks. Had a project finish up and go gold, then had four days from there to get a demo ready for GDC, and then had to ...
Shit:

Rapidly approaching burnout. Three major projects finishing up in three weeks. Had a project finish up and go gold, then had four days from there to get a demo ready for GDC, and then had to put together a pre-alpha in five days where the client's request was to have "everything working". Um, hello? You just asked me to make the entire game in a week. What the hell do you think the alpha, beta, and the next two months of development are for? Did I mention I was the only programmer on all of these projects? Yeah....

It's not that I can't do the work. I can. I'll put in the hours to make sure the project is good. I just can't maintain this pace.

Sleep is all over the place. On weekends I'll sleep for thirteen or fourteen hours, and weekdays I'll sleep for maybe 6. Tonight I managed to get to bed early and went to sleep, but then was wide awake by 2 AM. Maybe I'll be able to squeeze in a nap before I go to work? Today is going to be rough.

Not shit:

Still making games for a living, which is the dream. Still making games in my spare time, though I probably shouldn't tell my employer that.

The other:@flabyo and @davidlejeune: Indie high-five! Yeah! Just keep plugging away, you guys. Maybe this game wont work out. Maybe the next one wont work either. Maybe not even the one after that. But you'll get there eventually. Never give up! Never surrender!]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (March/April 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11026&Focus=350955#Comment_3509552013-04-03T21:17:06-05:002015-03-31T17:09:52-05:00trini_naenaehttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=183
No No No No No:
How much can I complain about work? Infinitely, apparently. Same with exhaustion, bad time management, not getting shit done, spending too much and not having enough money. Wash, ...
How much can I complain about work? Infinitely, apparently. Same with exhaustion, bad time management, not getting shit done, spending too much and not having enough money. Wash, rinse, repeat. My self control really isn't what it should be. I'm worried that the new meds are wearing off. Then again, staying up too late and then having to wake up early is certainly making things worse so... yeah. My mom has been dealing with some stress at work, especially with her boss (and my mom and sister both work at the same place as I do, but all in different departments, thankfully). She's also worried about money and not getting the counseling she needs because she can't afford it. I know I'm not responsible for my mom's emotional well being, but all the problems she's dealing with still can get to me. My sister had to move out of her efficiency, and moved into my parents house - which is good for both her and my parents financially, but it also means that the room that I had mostly-moved out of is now hers, and I still haven't removed all of my stuff yet. Considering that trying to keep my apartment organized and clean is a struggle as it is, this is a new level of holy shit how am I going to do this?!? And I really can't blame anyone but myself, since a)I've been in my apartment for over a year, and b)they actually asked my permission for her to move into that room (which they really didn't need to, but very thoughtful).

I have way too much stuff, and I want more and what the fuck is wrong with me?!? Uggggh. So yeah. I'm a bit overwhelmed with all the things that I should be doing and only some of it is actually happening. Add to that the general self loathing/body issue (not losing weight like I'd like to be, wish I was prettier (which is kind of pushing the current minor obsession with makeup) so on and so forth. Um, and winter is taking waaaay too long to go away.

Yes, Please:I had a bunch of days in a row of too much going on and not enough sleep and that is finally fucking past. Catching up on sleep is sooooo good. It's starting to warm up and I'm trying to happy about the inevitable mud because mud is better than the endless snow we've been having. Got tax refunds, which is making my bank accounts less cringe worthy. Starting a new creative project that should be a lot of fun - a mermaid quilt. Already figured out the general layout and have a thumbnail drawn for the main panel (I plan on photographing my progress, so hopefully it will make sense then), and I'm doing it at a church lady quilting/crocheting/knitting meetup thing, so I should be able to get it done, on account of having a designated time and place to work on it. Might even get some drawings/art out of the process. Things seem to be getting better at work for my mom (at the moment) so she's not as stressed out as she was. The little that I have been learning via the makeup thread and the videos suggested etc is making me feel less inept with that sort of stuff.

Also, my birthday is coming up, so inevitable plans for funtimes are ahead. And I bought some things online as gifts for myself, and the one that I'm most excited about is pre-ordering The Knife's new album. I have a feeling I'm going to be listening to it nonstop for the new couple months. I almost feel sorry for my family.

@Flaybo & Rootfireember: I wish I didn't relate so much with the winter stuff. It's starting to warm up here so maybe it will warm up good and proper by y'all too?

@Rootfireember: The way you describe living with your family is a bit worrying, and I'm hoping you can get out ASAP. You clearly don't feel safe at home. You've mentioned some options about moving out before, and I hope that you are getting somewhere with those.

@razrangel: I think you can get to where you need to be. I think you're a harder worker than you know - all the effort you put into theater stuff is evidence of that.

@Morac: I suppose you can't tell your client that sleep is something you kind of like need to function and that they need to give you time to actually get shit done? I hope you're being paid super good for that work, because that's just nutters.

@everyone else: Y'all are pretty awesome and I do read every post in this thread. Hugs for all!]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (March/April 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11026&Focus=350982#Comment_3509822013-04-04T12:43:50-05:002013-04-04T14:58:34-05:00oldhathttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=75
The cream has curdled:
- Office is closing down at the end of the month and we're all starting to throw shit out and get ready for the rest of the things to be moved. Bummed that I'll be pretty ...
The cream has curdled:

- Office is closing down at the end of the month and we're all starting to throw shit out and get ready for the rest of the things to be moved. Bummed that I'll be pretty much out of a job by the end of the month and so far haven't gotten any callbacks on the jobs I've applied for. Looking beyond beer jobs now in to retail jobs, which I don't really mind, I just need a JOB that will pay for crazy things like rent on a future apartment. Still. Overworking at the office, getting in at around 9am and leaving at around...er...9pm. Just getting home with enough time to change in to night clothes and eat a small meal before passing the fuck out.

- Getting frustrated with the site. I don't know. The Ontario beer scene is starting to both bore me and piss me off in regards to how much of a little club it is and the overall industry outrage towards big beer companies vs. little ones makes me just want to shut my computer off and walk away from it all. I have a couple of posts planned, but think I'm going to take some time to just fall in love with beer again. This means tastings, reading some books by passionate people, and working on a personal project...normally I would say "homebrew" but since my last beer turned out undrinkable and my confidence has wavered I think I'm going to try my hand at making a Zine. We'll see. Kind of wish that I was raised in a small Belgian town where the only thing going for it was the local Abbey's brewery that the whole town pitches in to help with, then I could have one of those "Going back home to find my roots" moments, but instead I'll settle for the things I mentioned along with going to some bars that excite me. Tried a beer that just made me smile yesterday, so it DOES work (Bière De Miel Biologique by Brasserie Dupont in Belgium. Lovely organic saison made with honey).

- Tasting I was going to lead for a fundraiser has been cancelled. Well, the whole fundraiser was cancelled. The reason was a good one, but was still bummed out about it, as I just got confirmation last week that the beers I suggested (including one seasonal that isn't even out anymore) were going to be there.

- Depression back in full force, for a variety of reasons, but the most recent being the huge amount of work I've been doing. Crying for no reason, going numb and completely blank on commutes to and from work and locking myself in my room to stop me from doing/thinking stupid shit. Books, netflix and video games are helping.

- Weight loss is going very poorly.

- Not eating much. Not because I don't want to, but because lately anything other than bread, water and coffee has been destroying my stomach. Going to see a doctor about it soon, since I'm pretty sure a bowl of cheerios (which I just ate) shouldn't cause me to reach for pain meds.

But the honey is fresh:

- Was given a raise for my final month here at the office and with the arrival of a few client cheques, this week will feature bonuses. Also will be getting hired to do photos for another music artist, who likes my stuff and was referred to me by some satisfied clients. So hey, money in the bank. A small portion is going towards a new hairstyle and a dress for the Juno Awards this month.

- Picked up Relish, the new comic memoir of Lucy Knisley, one of my favourite creators.

- Running is going well. I can now easily hit the 5k mark, but am going to lower it to about 2-3km runs so I can progress a bit better. Beating my records.

- Have some pretty awesome friends who know to keep poking at me.

- Learned about my Great Grandmother on my Mother's side, who was head cook for a doctor's family in a townhouse somewhere in England, got married at the age of 30, was tough as nails and was famous for her bear hugs. Mom told me that I'm very much like her, which gave me some good perspective and optimism. Also learned that there was a portion of my family that were all practically giants so NOW I KNOW WHERE I GOT IT FROM.

- Going to a spice store this weekend to take part in a cheap class on how to preserve lemons and use them to make some kick-ass Moroccan dishes.

And together we shall feast and be merry:

Firstly just wanted to say thanks to the folks who responded to my bit about running in to the ex. I'm still feeling pretty good about it.

@Morac, Totally get what you mean by approaching burnout. Do your best to sleep when you can and shut that brain off when you're not working. Hang in there!

@Roo, really hope you get the fuck out of there soon.

@Trini, You are damned beautiful. And I grok you on the need for STUFF thing. Going through a bout of that meself.

@Everyone, Stay healthy.]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (March/April 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11026&Focus=351038#Comment_3510382013-04-05T13:02:30-05:002015-03-31T17:09:52-05:00dorkmuffinhttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=6719
YAY!
Last day at my current job.
BOO!
May have gotten my boss's stomach flu.
Applesauce:
Hugs all around.
Last day at my current job.

BOO!

May have gotten my boss's stomach flu.

Applesauce:

Hugs all around.]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (March/April 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11026&Focus=351069#Comment_3510692013-04-06T02:51:04-05:002013-04-06T02:51:39-05:00fleckyhttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=8949
I...I...*sigh* You know when you do a massive post, only to find that your no-longer signed in, and it's lost. Gone. Freaking dead. Upside down in an inch of water. No longer worthy of hassling ...
Oh well, it's all part of the game. I'll try later.]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (March/April 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11026&Focus=351076#Comment_3510762013-04-06T07:20:37-05:002015-03-31T17:09:52-05:00Warped Savanthttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=2376
Flecky -- Whenever that has happened to me I've always gone with the assumption that it's something that I needed to type out in order to sort it out a little in my head but it wasn't meant to be ...
But yeah, feels horrible when that happens...]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (March/April 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11026&Focus=351089#Comment_3510892013-04-06T15:36:29-05:002015-03-31T17:09:52-05:00Dextrahttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=279
The Bleh: I'm finding myself having to pay an enormous goddamn tax bill, after some shenanigans that were beyond my control. I was pissed about it at first, but now I'm just resigned to getting it ...
The Whee: I've found myself a fella. One that I find myself wanting to be exclusive to. And given my carefree and non-committal approach to relationships these past several years, I'm at the same time exhilarated and terrified.

The Squish: @flecky: I've broken things when that has happened to me before.

@oldhat: Depression is an asshole. I have my own battles with it, so I understand completely what you're dealing with there. You're more than welcome to talk to me whenever you're having a shit day. In fact, I highly encourage it. Sometimes talking to someone, getting those thoughts outside of your own head, keeps it all from eating you up inside.]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (March/April 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11026&Focus=351094#Comment_3510942013-04-06T19:23:25-05:002015-03-31T17:09:52-05:00trini_naenaehttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=183
Applesauce:
@oldhat: Thanks. Wish it was easier to believe on a regular basis. Sorry to hear the depression is not leaving you alone. You sure you can't just make a point of scheduling an hour ...
@oldhat: Thanks. Wish it was easier to believe on a regular basis. Sorry to hear the depression is not leaving you alone. You sure you can't just make a point of scheduling an hour every other week or something for therapy? Even just once a month? What would it take for you to get access to a therapist?

@dorkmuffin: awww get well soon.

@Dextra: oooh a fella! Best of luck.

Boohoo:Lots of stress, including inability to find my phone until too late. (Actually, my mom found it for me.) The sad irony was that it was somewhere I looked twice. How did I not see it? Winter is refusing to go away and that is a little rage inducing. I am so fucking sick of the snow. Boss that no one likes is going to be at work tomorrow, so the stress will be more. My mom is continuing to have problems with her boss, to the point that she's looking for other work. It probably shouldn't be a surprise that my boss and her boss are pretty much besties at this point. Also, it seems that someone stole my credit card number. Lucky me, the bank caught it fairly quickly.

Woot:Working on a creative project and getting my mojo back. The prints that I have been waiting for have finally arrived. Aside from losing my phone, today and yesterday were actually really good days. Aside from work, this coming week should be lots of fun.]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (March/April 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11026&Focus=351096#Comment_3510962013-04-06T20:40:32-05:002015-03-31T17:09:52-05:00oldhathttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=75
@Dextra, Thank, really. And yeah, getting the stuff out helps a lot. Here and my journal are pretty much the only places I feel safe venting this stuff (with the odd facebook post too).
@trini, as ...
@trini, as someone who constantly feels like a blob monster, I know how difficult it can be to believe it. But you are beautiful. :) As for therapy, the timeframe may get better once I'm unemployed and looking for work by the end of the month. As it is right now, My work days are 10am-9pm with the clinic that has free counsellers open only on weekdays from 10-4.30.]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (March/April 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11026&Focus=351108#Comment_3511082013-04-07T08:22:05-05:002015-03-31T17:09:52-05:00mister hexhttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=4411
RASSAFRASSA - WHY IS IT NOT WARM? WHAT THE FUCK, PLANET?! Jesus, if this keeps up, I don't KNOW what I'll do. Seriously, weather. Do me a fucking favor, man.
Oh, by the way! They're renovating my ...
Oh, by the way! They're renovating my work for the next eight weeks! Bang crash, dust everywhere, odd smells of construction and stuff. Wretched inconvenience, at your fingertips! And since everyone in management is an idiot (or worse), there's no way it's going to go smoothly. And it's being done for basically no purpose at all. Couldn't have taken all that money and given me a fucking raise, couldya? No, couldn't do THAT. Fuckers.

Depressed? Sure, I guess. When I bother to feel anything at all, I guess you could call it depression. But whatever, it's been worse, way worse so it's not really even worth commenting on, y'know? Like a wound that's been bleeding for so long, you'd miss it if it stopped.

I want my mommy. But she's dead. I miss her so much.

I'M HARD TO KILL - ... I AM. It's never as bad as all that. Let's see ... the Ladyfriend situation is amazing. We're going to her house in Quebec next weekend. She's excited about a five hour car trip with me. She loves to drive so I don't have to. I'll meet all her friends there and have I'm sure a marvellous time. VERY much looking forward to that. Plus, I'll get to have sex in a different province! (I don't think I've ever done that.) It will increase my powers exponentially.

Things are actually firming up on my creative project. Ultra-low-budget feature. People are starting to commit. The money's even getting together. We'll see but I'm cautiously optimistic.

Yeah, my powers ... see, here's the thing. I've been goofing around with some kinda something, not quite magic but more just noticing things, watching out for signs. It's hard to explain but it seems to be working. I know it sounds crazy but I don't care. Gotta go with what works, eh what?

MENTIONED IN DESPATCHES - @oldhat - aw, honey. I wanna hug ya. Anytime you need anything. ANYTHING> We gotta all get together soon. This summer's gonna be one long barbecue, baby. Let's see what Ian and everybody can do with meat over an open flame! The halls of Vallhalla shall tremble with envy at the charred feast upon our groaning board!

@flecky - I hate when that happens. Keep going, chum.

@trini - get that mojo workin'!

@dextra - y'all is awesome. Keep bein' awesome.

@the community at large - I feel honoured to know you all. I will all of you all the best. RIGHT ON.]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (March/April 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11026&Focus=351340#Comment_3513402013-04-10T05:00:43-05:002013-04-10T06:53:42-05:00Vornaskottihttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=6665
\o/
I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and it really doesn't look like it's a train this time. This month is very very lean financially, the most lean in a year or so, but not so ...
\o/

I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and it really doesn't look like it's a train this time. This month is very very lean financially, the most lean in a year or so, but not so schedule-wise. It was only today that I realised that in the end of April the second big clump of Stuff that has plagued me for years is going to get solved, and that's mostly it for the stuff I want to change and fix in my life. I'll get my schedules sorted out so they actually feel human and doable, which really hasn't been the case in a handful of years. Additionally I'll get a clump of money that signals the breaking of the back of a financial slump that has plagued me for the last 1,5 years or so. Finally and properly.

All this coincides with my birthday. \o/

Yesterday I realised that what has set this spring apart is that my CPU load has been on almost steady 100%. Not much more, and certainly not less. Haven't felt neither absurdly overworked nor bored and aimless. I don't really remember this sort of calibration happening ever for any appreciable time. A big thing here is the awesome free time with Adventure Girl - so far this year we have managed to spend one day without really doing anything (except for just a little bit of geocaching, so little it really doesn't count ;)

Also, I'm really starting to enjoy the day job, it's actually fun to go to the office to meet all the awesome challenges, and I really like the team I'm working in. This also is far from given. I has a tentative, somewhat suspicious happy.

/o\

This month is lean indeed. Trying to figure out ways to get through it without having to ask for pal-loans. Doesn't look doable, but trying to find more stuff to sell.

The book is progressing, but too slowly - there just is no time or energy for writing in the evenings, with the side job I still have to do 'till the end of the month. After that, things will change.

In the dive school there's some annoying potential drama brewing, something I've would've really wanted to live without - have something in my life just fun, exciting and free from extraneous bullshit. No such thing in this world, though. I'm also getting a bit stressed out about a navigation exam I have to pass in a week or so. Haven't even opened the book yet, and since this is "organised" by independent associations and clubs, I'm finding bloody fucking impossible to find out what do I actually need to study, and what happens at the exam. If I don't pass it, the next chance is December. The problem: I should graduate in October, and this is a requirement. Also, no money for the study materials, nor the exam. Sigh. April can't end quickly enough.

@Roo: From all that I've heard, the faster you get out of your home and into a more healthy environment, the better.

@Morac: Uh, do what you can to steer clear of the burn-out. It's never worth the troubles it can and will cause...]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (March/April 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11026&Focus=351368#Comment_3513682013-04-10T16:49:05-05:002015-03-31T17:09:52-05:00Comicbookbunnyhttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=5151
Hello fellow bipedal mammals!
Good/bad together: I had an opperation in my naughty bits and my appendix- it was glued to my intestines and my ovarie and the other side of my intestine was glued ...
Good/bad together: I had an opperation in my naughty bits and my appendix- it was glued to my intestines and my ovarie and the other side of my intestine was glued to my uterus all cut free (had polyips cut out from insides and outsides) took me awhile to recover but I CAN HAVE SEXYTIME WITHOUT PAIN!! that is happy. I'm broke as hell but doing ok. my jobbage is day job of doom its there and annoyingHUGS EVERYONE!! @Dextra you know if the fella doesn't treat you wonderfully he may have all of whitechaple after him ;) @oldhat You are awesome and an alkemist with beer- waiting for the oldhat brewing company@dorkmuffin feel better hun @trini_naenae i blame faries- there has to be an explanation looking directly at it in the place it ends up being and it only shows up after you've looked everywhere else. @Morac i have full and total empathy- hopefully you can let loose and relax when things stop eating your soul]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (March/April 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11026&Focus=351371#Comment_3513712013-04-10T17:26:15-05:002015-03-31T17:09:52-05:00Dextrahttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=279
@Bunny - Oh no worries, there, dear. If that happens he'll have ME to deal with. Batbitch ain't just a costume, y'know.
And he knows beause he's one of us. :D
And he knows beause he's one of us. :D]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (March/April 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11026&Focus=351377#Comment_3513772013-04-10T20:36:15-05:002015-03-31T17:09:52-05:00Rootfireemberhttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=1551
Good-
Used some of my tax money to get me a little nexus7 to replace my 3g kindle which has been a bit on the fritz for a while, and amazon's been all 'uhm. ...you're out of warrenty and we're ...
Used some of my tax money to get me a little nexus7 to replace my 3g kindle which has been a bit on the fritz for a while, and amazon's been all 'uhm. ...you're out of warrenty and we're confused' about it. It came yesterday, got it mostly setup for this, that and the other things, and am enjoying it.Also started drawing again. Fairies, demons, monsters, fun stuff for something I'm working on.

Bad-Fell down and went boom on the ice and cement walkway while taking little puppy Brian out potty today. Now look like I was beaten. har haar. It'll make talk therapy awkward tomorrow (I can just see it now: No, honestly: I really DID fall!). Mom wants me to write a letter to the court about the thing with the stepdad and how I just want the thing t o be over/ no vengance or whatever. I said I'd think about it. honestly I'm not sure there's any point to me doing anything at this point. Living in the basement isn't perfect. But I CAN tolerate it... and I have to be making progress on the wait list right???:< Still feeling a bit cruddy from the bronchitis; but the cough is going away, and I have no problem eating (yay).Hopefully it'll FULLY go away soon and my sinuses will stop freaking out. Feels like I need a faucet in my skull...

Overall, I'm feeling fairly positive, if not fairly tired.I'm still kickin, and loving my second job.

@comicbookbunny-Hope healing from that operation goes well. Sounds like quite the internal ordeal! Take it easy while you can!@vorn- this is gonna sound wierd but my situation doesn't feel that bad at the moment. Just wierd/normal. Guess I've normalized it or whatever. Hope the money issues get fixed and you can do more diving again.

@Trini-Glad your bank caught the credit card thingy! AND hugs. Also hating the winter staying, here. Too bad we can't sue Mother Nature. :P]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (March/April 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11026&Focus=351447#Comment_3514472013-04-11T21:02:19-05:002013-04-11T21:14:01-05:00trini_naenaehttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=183
@Rootfireember: There is seriously a snow storm going on outside right now. Bad enough to close highways. So so deeply wrong. And thanks!
@Comicbookbunny: Friggin' Fairies! I may not believe ...
@Comicbookbunny: Friggin' Fairies! I may not believe in the existence of the little buggers, but am happy to blame them anyhow.

@Vornaskotti: Angry Birds is Finnish? Cool. I'm crossing my fingers for you that things keep going in the direction of better instead of worse.

@oldhat: Yes. Thanks. (You're beautiful too!) Of course, the terrible vain part of me wants to fish for compliments, the shame. Is it possible to talk to your management and get an hour and a half off a month (or whatever) to get the counseling? Since it is a doctor's appointment, they should let you do it. Or you know, any other job you might be working at.

Edit: Because tired me isn't very clever.

Yay!My mom almost quit her job due to the abuse she was dealing with, and just as she was about to turn in her two weeks notice, her boss did a 180 and decided to actually work things out. It's very nice to not see my mom in tears every time she talks about work. My birthday is tomorrow (well, an hour from now), and there are fun things to be happening over the weekend. I'll be 28, and this one seems more significant than usual. Maybe it's the 10 years past 18. Maybe it's something to actually look forward to considering the level of suck large portions of my life has been lately. I try hard not to think about what I expected at 18, because that obviously did not happen, and probably won't ever happen. But for what I am wanting to accomplish now, by 30, I am generally on track, and I think I can live with that.

Boo!Self Control is going to shit. Work annoys me more and more, and my patience for the level of shit I put up with work is fading every so quickly. The one job potential that I know of, that I finally am breaking down and applying for (I think), is a huge risk and might just fuck everything up. The depression is winning half of the time. The meds that are helping me with my energy levels isn't helping me like it used to, I think. Stress and overwhelm is making a mess of me.]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (March/April 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11026&Focus=351470#Comment_3514702013-04-12T08:42:20-05:002015-03-31T17:09:52-05:00Fauxhammerhttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=27
WICKED PISSER: Got my medicines straightened out--turns out I was drinking entirely too much caffeine with my Concerta, and my doctor all but dopeslapped me. I'm on green tea now, and I feel really ...
entirely too much caffeine with my Concerta, and my doctor all but dopeslapped me. I'm on green tea now, and I feel really good.

NAH, GUY: My dad goes into surgery the week after next to have a cancerous lobe of his liver removed. Prognosis is good, but surgery isn't to be fucked with.

ALLA YEZ: @oldhat-Bad ancestors are awesome. My dad's doing genealogy work, and a whole sept of my family (despite being Yankees...nashty) were all adventurers. ADVENTURERS@dex: Good news! Make him some Goth Girlfriend meme pics once you're sure you won't send him packing.@Bunny-It's good when you finally have an explanation for, and a solution to, a physical problem. GO GET 'EM TIGER]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (March/April 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11026&Focus=351602#Comment_3516022013-04-15T17:23:28-05:002015-03-31T17:09:52-05:00mister hexhttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=4411
WONDERFUL UPDATE - Had a wonderful time. Incredible. Can't wait to go back.
WRETCHED UPDATE - Have to go to work, I guess? What do I care? LADY-FRIEND. As in Mostest Awesomest.
I'm officially ...
WRETCHED UPDATE - Have to go to work, I guess? What do I care? LADY-FRIEND. As in Mostest Awesomest.

I'm officially TAKEN.

@roo - Glad to hear things are somewhat better. We love you. I agree with the general consensus - ya gotta get outta there.@ Bunny - World needs moar hats, s'il vous plait. @ THE WORLD ACCORDING TO WHITECHAPEL - Peace, y'all.]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (March/April 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11026&Focus=351604#Comment_3516042013-04-15T18:01:03-05:002015-03-31T17:09:52-05:00dorkmuffinhttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=6719
I'm from Boston. My family members and friends (many of whom live within a few blocks of the explosions) are okay. My friend who was 75 yards away is physically unharmed, despite being understandably ...
Holy fucking fuck.

Happy first day at my new job to me.]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (March/April 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11026&Focus=351606#Comment_3516062013-04-15T18:09:26-05:002015-03-31T17:09:52-05:00MrMonkhttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=6192
@dorkmuffin - I'm glad that your family and friends are OK, especially the lucky one.
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (March/April 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11026&Focus=351610#Comment_3516102013-04-15T18:27:37-05:002015-03-31T17:09:52-05:00dorkmuffinhttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=6719
Worryingly, he wasn't the only friend who was in such close proximity. He's just one of my best friends.
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (March/April 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11026&Focus=351612#Comment_3516122013-04-15T18:43:36-05:002015-03-31T17:09:52-05:00razrangelhttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=2075
@Dork - so glad your people are safe and accounted for. Take good care...
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (March/April 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11026&Focus=351637#Comment_3516372013-04-16T06:05:51-05:002015-03-31T17:09:52-05:00Fauxhammerhttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=27
@dork Jesus--it's good that they're all right. Two of my cousins were down Kenmore watching, and they're safe and well also.
It's upsetting how personally I'm taking this. It's wrenching to see my ...
It's upsetting how personally I'm taking this. It's wrenching to see my city suffering and being too far away to do anything.]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (March/April 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11026&Focus=351749#Comment_3517492013-04-18T11:35:53-05:002015-03-31T17:09:52-05:00Bombus Hortorushttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=2485
Bad
Car still fucked. Needs a new radiator, had to have work on the brakes and the garage couldn't work out what was wrong with the fan, kept it for two days and then gave up. But I, on the other ...
Car still fucked. Needs a new radiator, had to have work on the brakes and the garage couldn't work out what was wrong with the fan, kept it for two days and then gave up. But I, on the other hand, have Google fu, and worked it out for myself, so I've got a second hand ecu coming to replace the one that had burnt out. Perils of having a really old car.

Spring is just about here, but my God, the state that winter has left my garden in... I knew it was a problem garden, but I'd been working for three years to try and get it sorted, but it's just a bloody mess now. Everything is waterlogged, the beds are all overgrown, too wet to dig, and the lawn is just dead grass and mud. Trivial, I suppose, in the wider scale of things, but it's bloody annoying and sad, I just wanted to make it beautiful.

Father in law still clinging on, but not eating and looking worse. That's a mess too for a whole bunch of reasons. Feel sad for what my partner has to deal with.

Good

Got a decent raise at work.wasn't expecting that at all, so good. So feel financially a bit more confident for the first time in ages.

The upside of not having a car is that I get to stop in a nice pub for a bit while waiting for the bus. Could get way too used to that.

Work is bloody hard, but challenging and quite stimulating at the moment...have to relaunch the company magazine and integrate it with a community website and try and work in advertising sales and help kick off a corporate intranet programme so massively busy, but quite interesting at the same time.

Applause

Thoughts go to anyone affected by Boston. From being caught up in the London mess a few years back it's just horrible and unsettling and you start to question everything and look around you with suspicion... but dunno, looks like the response is a defiant 'fuck the idiots that did that...' which is probably the right one...]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (March/April 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11026&Focus=351761#Comment_3517612013-04-18T18:46:51-05:002015-03-31T17:09:52-05:00dorkmuffinhttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=6719
@Jon, it's a combination of "fuck the idiots that did that" and "... really? That changes nothing. WE'RE GONNA KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON, BITCHEZZZZZZ"
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (March/April 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11026&Focus=351815#Comment_3518152013-04-19T16:09:59-05:002013-04-19T16:11:09-05:00fleckyhttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=8949
@dorkmuffin: That's the spirit!
SONGS FROM THE DRY-HOUSE:
I guess I'm doing OK, considering I'm only a few weeks out from rehab, and been getting used to living in a new town. Loneliness can be ...
SONGS FROM THE DRY-HOUSE:

I guess I'm doing OK, considering I'm only a few weeks out from rehab, and been getting used to living in a new town. Loneliness can be a real killer at times, though; I really can't ever see the day when I will be in a relationship again, but it's probably for the best at the moment, as I'm pretty crap at all that stuff - having an addict-fantasy-immature mentality doesn't help with that at all.

When I left rehab, a new organization took over care for this area - it's caused massive upheaval, and the little aftercare I had came to an end. This has left me with time on my hands and some days I'm real lost. Fucking waking up with nothing to do can be unbearable at times.

BUZZ-BUZZ-BUZZ:

So I'm doing meetings; lots of them, sometimes two a day. And I share. And share. And share again. And drink coffee. And smoke fags outside these meetings. I got to keep grounded, as this is still early days for me. I'm slowly trying other shit as well, and going to be seeing about some education and voluntary work.

Stay safe, folks!]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (March/April 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11026&Focus=351817#Comment_3518172013-04-19T16:34:59-05:002015-03-31T17:09:52-05:00Argoshttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=7792
*hugs* flecky! You're a strong individual, keep on keeping on.
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (March/April 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11026&Focus=351833#Comment_3518332013-04-20T01:08:36-05:002013-04-21T00:59:52-05:00chris ghttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=1829
MISERABLE FUCK: Haven't secured a new job yet. I really fucking need to because I only have enough cash to cover my next car payment and that's it, fucked. I know it is stupid but I wish my old boss ...
LUCKY FUCK?: A smidgen of tax return money appeared in my bank account. I'm just trying to stay super careful with cash and focusing on using it so survive rather than buying shit I don't need. I'm pretending it's the Road Warrior-acolypse and I'm mainly spending on fuel and shit like tuna, fruits and oatmeal for simple sustenance. I dunno anymore!

FUCKSAUCE: Flecky, don't know you very well but I am relieved you are still taking care of yourself and checking in here with us, man! Glad everyone is hanging in there. This is the only place that's been there for me when I had nobody to fucking talk to about a damn thing! I think we all deserve a break after what has literally been the week from Hell. Everyone: don't give any sick fucks the satisfaction and keep living on your terms. Don't ever be afraid!]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (March/April 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11026&Focus=351848#Comment_3518482013-04-20T14:24:23-05:002015-03-31T17:09:52-05:00razrangelhttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=2075
WHINEPISSMOAN
Shoulder/traps are knotted up something fierce and I don't have anything on tap to convince them to relax... Only plans to wreck them even more with dying my hair, eventually heading ...
Shoulder/traps are knotted up something fierce and I don't have anything on tap to convince them to relax... Only plans to wreck them even more with dying my hair, eventually heading to the gym to do more weight lifting, holding heavy books while standing at a mic to practice reading & recording myself, etc.Ain't got nobody....Weight refuses to budge. At least the freak out from last time looks like it was just water retention, but seriously, I'm stuck at 211 and worried if I let go of exercising for a day, or indulge just a hair too much it'll pop up to 215 and stay there.Makes me feel gross about even looking at another human in that way. Because who am I to give a come hither look when no one in their right mind would give me one.It's making my dreams and my waking kinda funky because my subconscious is practically salivating to get it on already and is pulling in any passing memory of a cutie for touchy feely dreamtimes; but then I wake up and I'm disgusted with myself.Stupid fucking metabolism.

Shit blowing up and holy fuck this week. Yes, the Onion was spot on. And I lost this week to being glued to the TV, Twitter and NPR. I swear *every time* I wanted to get away something else would happen, another earthquake or explosion or hail of bullets. What the fucking fuck? Barely feel like there was a week in there, just a gigantic avalanche of information. I called myself an info-junkie from way back and this *smacks arm* has just a monster week of mainlining the shit.(Tangent: I'm getting tired of feeling excluded from a working definition of American because I'm not in the stupid (monolingual/uneducated/barbarous) American group. My high school education was actually worth a damn, my parents made sure I was interested in the world around me and my religion has always instructed me to place love as the paramount goal of every moment and every interaction. But this is a reiteration of an old joke, that Americans don't travel and only speak one language. It's why from high school to college I was hyphenated - Mexican-American - and now it feels almost rebellious to say, no, fuck you, I'm fully American, born and fucking bred.)

But this week. Ugh. Did hardly anything that I really wanted to. A little gym time (but fell down on that by Thursday, and got the lightest of cardio yesterday), no Japanese whatsoever, only a little bit of reading/voice practice.

UNICORNS SHITTING FUCKING RAINBOWSI have a budget and am halfway to a plan for how to work the rest of the year - assuming nothing else blows up or whatever (please, dear God, we all need this). Of course, I have to keep from running off and buying myself Nice Things (I really need a new bra and decent workout clothes). It's all a loan and it's meant to go expressly into the voice Biz; but I can now proceed with the voice Biz!Niece's smiling face when she walks into the kitchen and I'm cooking and playing jazz. I could live on that shit.Random compliments from friends on voice work they've heard from me. Floaty happies.Comfort dogs.Cooked up a brie en croute per @seantaclaus's Twittered instructions and it was... strange. Baked up a bit weird, but I learned a few thing about how to prep dough and garlic in the kitchen, and damn if in the end it wasn't a treat to eat!Twitter tribe... I would feel so closed off and drowning if I only had my family to see day in and day out. (Of course, I have to limit it, Twitter plays way too easily into my addiction. Moderation in all things.)

And last but not least, chicory coffee from Cafe du Monde.

BIPPITYBAPPITYA few days ago I woke up from a dream where I learned my name was not my real name, my birth name. It was possible I wasn't given a name but the name I was used to was just applied later and not official. I can't remember why I needed to keep it hidden that I'd learned this, but I wrote the facts on a sheet of paper and made my way to a friend's place. They had a secret place where they hid various kinds of contraband and secret banned and taboo items. The paper with the acknowledgement that my name was false went in there (the action hidden in the middle of a party).

I woke up really tired from that dream and in a kind of distress. It reads as pretty cool, but I woke up feeling stressed and nervous. I remember hiding away the piece of paper was like putting away some thing that was precious to me. That it was upsetting to feel like I didn't really know myself, but that my identity was a kind of mask that I dearly loved, a role that I could put on because I knew how to play it extremely well. I guess at a level that is beyond intellect I'm taking on the hard view that I have a long, long way to go to become myself.

BLOWING KISSES@dork, @faux I can only imagine how worried you are. *hugs* I'm glad you are ok and your tribe is safe and accounted for.@flecky - keep at it, man. You are doing it right and I'm so glad you're proving capable of wrestling with the shit in your life.]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (March/April 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11026&Focus=351999#Comment_3519992013-04-24T12:29:18-05:002015-03-31T17:09:52-05:00oldhathttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=75
OH GOD IT'S FULL OF ANGRY BEES
- Last full week in the office. Friday-Saturday is the moving time and next Tuesday is when we hand over the keys. I'm pretty on edge about this since it's been my ...
- Last full week in the office. Friday-Saturday is the moving time and next Tuesday is when we hand over the keys. I'm pretty on edge about this since it's been my job for a little over four years and while the pay has been crummy I really enjoyed coming in every day, doing work and have it all in the middle of the downtown core, walking distance from anything. Will still be helping the boss get set up at her place and ease a transition kind of thing by working a bit from home, so I won't be TOTALLY broke for the next little bit, but...I just can't work from home. It feels too much like stagnation. I need that commute.

- That said, job searching is going horribly and I hate answering people's questions on how it's going. No beer places want to hire me due to lack of experience, but say they love my site and can't wait for my next post. Never been in that situation before and it's kind of like an added insult.

- Something's medically wrong with me and my doctor and I don't know what it is yet. There are two issues, one, a lady parts issue, went through a test and now I'm on some meds that SHOULD do something to help. The second, the mysterious stomach issues, have just gone through a third wave of tests and gradually, bit by bit, things are being crossed off the list. Ulcer, tear in my stomach lining and acid reflux remain on the list, but cancer and other scary things are off it. We'll figure it out, just...BAH. Also might have Hypothyroidism, as I have a majority of the symptoms and it would explain why my weight won't budge and at least some of the depression. We'll see.

- Didn't win that award I was talking about last week. Not too bummed out, as it was a pleasure to even be nominated and the guy who won REALLY deserved the hell out of it, just...feh.

OH GOD IT'S FULL OF...HAPPY BEES WITH CANDY?

- Had a really amazing weekend in Regina with my family so dad could get his Juno Award. All the nights were fun, but I think my favourite was at an after party at one of Regina's best craft beer places and their entire beer selection was free. Got to cross a few beers of my wish list! Also I hung out with kd lang and her band! And Dad getting his award was a real proud moment for all of us.

- Working on a better diet and am considering going back to being mostly vegetarian, with the occasional plunge in to veganism. I just felt better with that kind of diet. That said, I do still enjoy the odd pepperoni pizza or burger the size of my head.

- Got a fun shirt in the mail.

FUNKY BEE PARTY

@flecky, you really do fucking rock, Fleck. Keep at it. And I get the loneliness. Feel free to come on here whenever you want. :)

@Raz, UGH FUCK WEIGHT. It really sucks to be terrified of having certain foods for fear that the Line That Doesn't Drop will raise. But you can do it! I believe in you!]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (March/April 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11026&Focus=352006#Comment_3520062013-04-24T16:32:26-05:002015-03-31T17:09:52-05:00Argoshttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=7792
GOOD
I got dive certified! Huzzah! Hopefully this will make me more employable.
BAD
I still can't get a fucking job. I'm too under-qualified for some of the lower-level lab jobs but too ...
I got dive certified! Huzzah! Hopefully this will make me more employable.

BAD

I still can't get a fucking job. I'm too under-qualified for some of the lower-level lab jobs but too over-qualified for super entry level lab jobs. There was one posting I actually couldn't apply for because I have a degree. But I don't have enough experience for the other ones. I can't even get a retail job. Fuck me.

My mom's/grandma's/great aunt's dear friend, who was at my wedding, is still missing, to my knowledge. Fucking a...

SNUGGLES:

((HUGS)) to everyone affected by the Boston events. My brother-in-law lives there and is doing well, thank goodness.

@Raz - weight control sucks. It was a lot of 2-steps-forward one-step-back for me, so don't beat yourself up too hard if you do go up a few pounds. I know you can progress! And I know there are people out there who want ya ;) Some of my sexiest friends are also my heavier ones.

@ChrisG - oy, job searching sucks. I'm sorry you're also in that hole :(]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (March/April 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11026&Focus=352007#Comment_3520072013-04-24T17:17:11-05:002015-03-31T17:09:52-05:00trini_naenaehttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=183
Dålig: (I'm attempting Swedish for the sake of amusement.)
The depression has been winning lately. The weather (endless snow) has been driving everyone crazy. I'm overwhelmed with all the stuff I ...
The depression has been winning lately. The weather (endless snow) has been driving everyone crazy. I'm overwhelmed with all the stuff I need to do and figure out, especially with the prints finally arriving and needing to frame/matt etc the ones that are gifts, and get the other prints ready to sell and so on. Considering how much money I am making right now (not enough), it looks like I am going to have to start dipping into savings to pay the bills etc. Not good. Self control is minimal and exhaustion is winning (wooo depression). One of my (very part-time) co-workers told me about a job she had good experiences at and that there are always need for cashiers there (something I figure would be a good thing to have done), except I'd be working for a company that is famously considered evil. And I did ask around, and apparently at this location they do treat their workers well (much better than my current situation), and I'd probably be making enough money/have enough hours to justify the drive and maybe even have enough leftover for some tiny savings. But I cringe at the idea of telling people that I work there. And then there's been stressful stuff going on in my family. I don't even want to start on my weight.

Bra: (Yes, apparently the top word for good in Swedish is bra. The other one is god, but that just seemed...no.)One of the reasons for the lack of incoming money is that I'm having a significant shortage of hours. I actually got sent back home because they didn't need me. I should be upset but mostly I'm just relieved. More time for me to work on my own stuff, less stress of being at work, and because everyone is getting a significant cut in hours, my leaving won't create drama. Or whatever. There might be a local place willing to sell my prints. That would be nice. Watson and Oscar (sister's cat) are extremely cute when they aren't being annoying.

Folket i Whitechapel:@flecky: I'm crossing my fingers for you. You seem like a fellow who can deal with a lot of stuff, and I think you can deal with this.

@chris g & oldhat: The job search, it does very much suck. Best of luck in finding something, and something that's good even.

@razrangel & oldhat: FECKING WEIGHT. Last I checked, I'm gaining. (One of the reasons I didn't even bother with the monthly resolution check up.) I hope y'all can beat that sucker. Me too.

@razrangel: Sorry to hear about the dream. I wish I could say something like don't worry that dream doesn't mean anything but obviously that isn't my place to say. I hope that in the long run, this helps you sort things out somehow.

]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (March/April 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11026&Focus=352010#Comment_3520102013-04-25T00:38:56-05:002015-03-31T17:09:52-05:00Flabyohttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=1306
@oldhat, @argos - 'Overqualified' is HR speak for 'you'll ask for more money than we can afford'.
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (March/April 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11026&Focus=352011#Comment_3520112013-04-25T01:29:51-05:002015-03-31T17:09:52-05:00Morachttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=10266
It's also code for "we know what we're offering is shit, we're afraid you'll leave as soon as you get a better offer, and we don't like that because that sounds like more work for us".
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (March/April 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11026&Focus=352017#Comment_3520172013-04-25T03:58:00-05:002015-03-31T17:09:52-05:00texturehttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=1472
It's not in the interests of most employers to hire anyone but drones, in other words. Yep, been there. IT'S NOT MY FAULT I HAVE INTERESTS. I paid attention in school. I'm sorry. Here's an essay on ...
an essay on why call centres are the very root of the devil's pecker.]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (March/April 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11026&Focus=352023#Comment_3520232013-04-25T08:31:36-05:002013-04-25T08:37:03-05:00oldhathttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=75
Despite posting the comic, I do know what "overqualified" means in that context, but it seems like employers don't really know how desperate and shitty the job market is nor do they ...
Sorry. That turned in to a rant. It's just frustrating because the entire concept of looking for a job seems like this ridiculous catch-22 that is depressing and angering as fuck.]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (March/April 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11026&Focus=352030#Comment_3520302013-04-25T10:52:26-05:002013-04-25T11:07:06-05:00Doc Ocassihttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=410
??
My Brother is in hospital, he has a degenerative nerve condition which causes him a lot of problems, including blindness, problems with balance and his bodies regulation of just about ...
My Brother is in hospital, he has a degenerative nerve condition which causes him a lot of problems, including blindness, problems with balance and his bodies regulation of just about everything. His immune system is pretty shot and he has had an infection around his hart for the past fortnight, with a blood infection count of between 90 and 230 i believe, I don't know what the numbers mean but they are apparently pretty bad. so my mother has been in hospital with him looking after him. and he has to stay in another week.

My mother is now away from my sister, who now seems to be getting migraines, possibly because of stress from the lack of support and above, she has a 2 year old son and lives alone now.

all this is causing quite a strain on the family, and I am stuck quite a distance away and cannot be around them because of work commitments.

Kinda shit is all i'm sayin.

???

I am in preparation to do the Mongol Rally, an idiotic, and mildly narcissistic journey from Scotland to Mongolia in a 1.3 hatchback, I am doing it for two local charities that work for the visually impaired, which is supposed to offset my narcissism, but I don't let myself off that lightly.

????

@oldhatI would like to say "but you are so cute when you rant".. Ok. I already did, but rant away, it makes life both cathartic and interesting in one fell swoop, tl:dr is for the weak.

@textureI've never working in that industry. probably for the same reasons that your article exists, and I will be watching you more closely from now on.

@everyoneBosies.]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (March/April 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11026&Focus=352031#Comment_3520312013-04-25T12:00:29-05:002015-03-31T17:09:52-05:00Argoshttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=7792
It's also code for "we know what we're offering is shit, we're afraid you'll leave as soon as you get a better offer, and we don't like that because that sounds like more work for ...
It's also code for "we know what we're offering is shit, we're afraid you'll leave as soon as you get a better offer, and we don't like that because that sounds like more work for us".

Yeah, I get that, but some of these have been temp jobs. Like, I'm gonna be leaving anyway. If I get bored at a 3-6mo temp job, I'm gonna stick it out. Urgh.

@Doc - shit man, that's a lot to deal with. ((hugs))]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (March/April 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11026&Focus=352037#Comment_3520372013-04-25T19:44:28-05:002015-03-31T17:09:52-05:00Rootfireemberhttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=1551
The Bad:
I think my mom and stepdad will divorce. Okay. So I'm pretty damn sure it's going to occur at this point; and my mom is terribly stressed and my stepdad is acting in beyond bizzaro ways; ...
I think my mom and stepdad will divorce. Okay. So I'm pretty damn sure it's going to occur at this point; and my mom is terribly stressed and my stepdad is acting in beyond bizzaro ways; those following my facebook or chatting to me as of late will know some of the details. Basically there's no logicing him out. No rationality to his behavior; or way to figure out how he'll act from one moment to the next; and it makes me mad as hell for how he betrayed my mother's trust in him ...for no reason... only to act like nothing occured the next day.

Good:My Good New Job just gave me a raise and more hours. Hopefully I'll become more financially stable :D I really REALLY REALLY like it there; and it's nice not having to worry so much about tourism as far as hours/wages go; and the people I work with are happy and awesome, and I'm doing things I like. Also: Got a nexus7. Lovin' it, and just having all sorts of fun with Tasker.

@Doc- hugs. Lots to deal with, and my sympathies there. If you Do end up in Mongolia, come back with photos and stories. I hear mongolia's pretty rough now, with a lot of mugging/vehicle jacking/ corruption -so if you do it stay safe. Fingers Crossed.]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (March/April 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11026&Focus=352039#Comment_3520392013-04-25T20:06:03-05:002015-03-31T17:09:52-05:00Anopheleshttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=713
@Roo: Yay!
Good:
I've recently started an internship for a children's educational activities book and boardgames company. If they like my illustration and design (and so far they do), this will ...
Good:I've recently started an internship for a children's educational activities book and boardgames company. If they like my illustration and design (and so far they do), this will lead to paying work on a long-term basis.

My girlfriend got hired as a company's graphic designer, and this is hopefully the financial stability she needs to move out of her crummy place downtown and come move in with me! The next month shall be interesting...

Bad:My personal art work has been edged out due to time constraints and artistic malaise, but I'm hoping I'll shake it and get back to it.]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (March/April 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11026&Focus=352051#Comment_3520512013-04-26T02:56:31-05:002015-03-31T17:09:52-05:00hankhttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=79
The Bad:
I feel like a fake at work, and that the net is closing. Despite people who would know saying otherwise. I'm working on expanding my knowledge and credentials for the what feels like ...
I feel like a fake at work, and that the net is closing. Despite people who would know saying otherwise. I'm working on expanding my knowledge and credentials for the what feels like inevitable axing. Grain of salt: It frees me up to be somewhere other than the DC region which is a cesspool of stress and lack of open spaces/open highway.

The good: Fantastic: I'm in the airport. Waiting on my plane to go visit Dextra. This makes me happy in ways I have not been in a very long time. Also: it is the first leave the house vacation since Thanksgiving (us) 2011.

The Iridescent:

@oldhat: man, you keep getting body blows, but you keep going. I have other friends (I assume we are kind of friends,) in similar situations and it feels like a generation got fucked by virtue of their birth time. Hang in there.

@all of you: Keep inspiring each other. Great shit comes out of here and the world needs that. Keep checking on each other, the world needs more of that too!]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (March/April 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11026&Focus=352071#Comment_3520712013-04-26T14:15:40-05:002015-03-31T17:09:52-05:00Bombus Hortorushttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=2485
@texture - the call centre thing wigs me out, and I think that essay was a great take on it. A few years back, I did some knowledge management work with a call centre that ran the customer helpline ...
@doc - Jesus, that's awful - best wishes to you.

@argos, oldhat -ugh… I'd hate to be looking for a job now, the market is just awful. the overqualified thing - I don't know, maybe sometimes it's meant as a 'sorry we're not going to hire you but we'll try and let you down gently with a sort of (admittedly hackneyed and crass) 'compliment' because we can't give a better reason' thing? It must be quite hard thinking up excuses, and the number of applicants per job must make it soul crushing on all sides.

@roo - sorry to hear about your family troubles, hope you can stay strong through it.]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (March/April 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11026&Focus=352085#Comment_3520852013-04-27T01:41:43-05:002013-04-27T04:14:07-05:00Vornaskottihttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=6665
@oldhat, Argos
Yeah, I kind of get in that someone doesn't want to hire a double masters dishwasher for a steady gig, which they'll probably leave right when they want something else, but I'm also ...
Yeah, I kind of get in that someone doesn't want to hire a double masters dishwasher for a steady gig, which they'll probably leave right when they want something else, but I'm also following a situation where someone is getting those "you're overqualified" comebacks about 3-6 month temp jobs with as close to zero prospect of continuity as can be. Does. Not. Fucking. Compute.]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (March/April 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11026&Focus=352090#Comment_3520902013-04-27T04:09:58-05:002015-03-31T17:09:52-05:00Kay Orchisonhttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=10078
The sad thing about the "overqualified" problem is that I know heaps of people with more than one degree who will only ever work menial jobs. The fact that they're capable of higher level ...
Just give the poor Medieval History majors the dishwashing gig, for fuck's sake. They'll never leave. Go to work. Go home. Feed cat. Read. Sleep. Repeat until dead.]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (March/April 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11026&Focus=352094#Comment_3520942013-04-27T05:12:42-05:002015-03-31T17:09:52-05:00texturehttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=1472
Thanks for the comments on the essay guys. JP's right, it's a nauseating Manichean horror working for those places. BUT I will admit to being a little over-dramatic in the essay. When you've done ...
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (March/April 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11026&Focus=352118#Comment_3521182013-04-27T18:14:03-05:002015-03-31T17:09:52-05:00Rootfireemberhttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=1551
Last night was hell. Just wanted to thank everyone for listening to me and making me feel not so alone when everything went to hell. Things are ok today. Just glad you guys are here.
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (March/April 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11026&Focus=352119#Comment_3521192013-04-27T18:25:39-05:002015-03-31T17:09:52-05:00razrangelhttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=2075
What a mad week for me. Managed to not live my life by the news, despite things still blowing up, earthquakes and terrible weather...So I guess that's a win.
Up: Sunday, a beautiful day, I spent ...
Up: Sunday, a beautiful day, I spent most of the afternoon in the conference room of a friend's office, reading another friend's screenplay. It was a run through of a table read, and I read the narration. In a screenplay, unlike a stage play, there is typically a TON of narrative to describe the weather, locations, actions, feelings... my throat got very dry. But I got several compliments and was urged to bring some business cards or other business material to the read.Down: God it was a beautiful day, and the office was in Santa Monica. And so while I would have loved to spend the day outdoors, I had to plow through all the traffic of half of Los Angeles trying to get to the beach to get to the read. It made me a half hour late. Also, I didn't make it to the gym.

Up: Monday, overcast day, I decided to dye my hair. I was finally going to put the purple to use on my bleached-orange hair. Some four odd hours later, my hair was mostly brown with some bluish highlights. Well, at least it's not the hideous orange.Down: My natural hair color is brown. All that bloody work to end where I started. Again, didn't hit the gym...hair dying logistics and working out aren't compatible.

Up: Tuesday I got business cards! I found Office Depot will make (fairly simple) business cards in-store in one day. Put in my order, did a little bit of shopping and got lunch and then they were ready! I have a thing with my name and contact info AND my (self-applied) job title! Like a real adult! Later on I headed to my sister's place and had dinner with her and kid (and the hubs and the dog and the cat...) Before heading over I cleared a few things from my desk that had just been taking up space. I'm working on cleaning up and treating myself like a professional and that was a nice, if tiny, step. And I rounded up a few little toys and trinkets and markers and crayons to give to my niece.Down: No gym. Too much drinking at my sister's. And I lobbied to watch other stuff on their TV or just hang and talk but they put on Game of Thrones. Within five minutes here was a severed hand... Yeah, I headed home. Even my sister doesn't like that show, but it makes guys feel manly or something. *shrug*

Up: Wednesday! the table read! But first a go a the gym... Then off to pick up a friend to take to the reading. I hadn't seen him in several months so it was good to chat about all sorts of things on the way. Then the read was good, moar compliments pour moi. Yay. Left out business cards, cause I'm a pro (as of the day before };>) and saw some other cool peeps I haven't seen in ages.Down: Well, awkwardness at seeing people I haven't seen in a while...because I haven't felt like making the effort. But first the serious troubling thing that in prepping for the reading I wanted to burn a CD of voice warmup exercises. I've had the MP3s on another computer but hadn't brought them over to my new one just yet. The old one has serious problems and just can't burn CDs. Have an even older computer but it developed issues trying to burn those MP3s, so I looked to the new computer to solve my problems. And that's how I found out that all three USB ports of my brand new (theoretically) ASUS notebook have errors and won't work. Huge problem for me, to do what i do I need peripherals to work, beginning with thumb drives, continuing to USB microphone and ending with external drives. Fffuuuuu.... Ok. Tried all the things you try, disabling, restarting, updating, reloading, uninstalling, installing drivers from the Web. Nada. Never got any forward movement on Wednesday. And fussing made me late to get on the road, so the two hour drive to my friend's place (all because of hideous LA rush hour traffic) was ping pong-ing bewtween pissed and stressed out and telling myself to relax and breathe and relax, the better to enunciate and project, etc. (We did pull in late for the read, but others were in even after me. And the read really was pretty good.)

Up: Thursday, was still feeling ungood from the gym trip the day before so I just did some light work on a machine at home. Organized the bathroom so it looks like and adult lives here. Wrote a blog post on the parallels of the long term fitness efforts and long term career efforts and how, on a day to day basis they can get very trying.Down: Troublshooting of USB ports for half the day got me no where. And I saw some internal folders that had dates from 2009, which now makes me wonder if the machine is refurbished, which is not mentioned on the invoice or any of the packaging, and certainly not what I intended to buy. No voice warming-up.

Up: Friday, a fine day that I spent largely indoors. In the evening I headed to an anime dubbing voice-acting workout. These are really fun and a great chance to work on developing the skills that voice acting demands. I got to play Saber, the (female!) spirit of King Arthur in a new(ish) anime FATE/ZERO. honestly a lot of fun, compliments and very useful criticism. Love. (and I handed out my new business card }:>)Down: Took the lappy back to the store from whence it came. I theoretically have the warranties and things that cover fixing this shit, but if they have to reinstall Windows I will have to pay for it. }:/ The guy there told me they had to keep it... so I have to use my old some what crappy laptop, he one that makes me have to go back and hit the "t" key all o frequently, and which has a smaller ouchpad and too-sensitive spacebar. No to mention a slow, clunky processor and which can't burn CDs.... *sigh* Also, hideous traffic - and a surprise second period this month.

Up: Haven't done much today, hoping to get o the gym. Caught BIG FISH on TV.Down: Really, a second period this month. Sort of explains feeling cramped up and awful at the gym, but... It has been just 10 days since my last go. Um. What? This is extremely unusual for me. No word yet on my computer.

And so, the rollercoaster week.

Hugs: @argos, @oldhat I'm sorry for the suck that is job hunting. Nothing like bending all your energy to look for somewhere that will allow you to go in and do work you don't even want to do for who knows how long. Blah... Keep yourself and your goals in mind and keep fighting for them always. It's the only antidote, I believe.]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (March/April 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11026&Focus=352120#Comment_3521202013-04-27T19:10:02-05:002015-03-31T17:09:52-05:00razrangelhttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=2075
*hugs* Root... it's all we (I) can do.
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (March/April 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11026&Focus=352121#Comment_3521212013-04-27T19:53:03-05:002013-04-27T19:55:55-05:00Rootfireemberhttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=1551
@Raz-
It's better than nothing and it helps a TON.
ALso your talking about gym stuff makes me think I should look into getting a treadmill or something so I can exercise more on bad days since I ...
It's better than nothing and it helps a TON. ALso your talking about gym stuff makes me think I should look into getting a treadmill or something so I can exercise more on bad days since I really don't like exercise biking but I do like treatmillinlg.

edit: nevermind. I just looked at the prices of treadmills and just about died. >,> I'm stickin with my half bike.]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (March/April 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11026&Focus=352126#Comment_3521262013-04-27T21:34:10-05:002015-03-31T17:09:52-05:00Argoshttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=7792
@raz: don't dye hair colors over their opposites! I once died Purple over faded teal, and where they overlapped my hair looked blue bc the red from the purple and green from the teal cancelled out. ...
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (March/April 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11026&Focus=352128#Comment_3521282013-04-27T22:33:56-05:002015-03-31T17:09:52-05:00razrangelhttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=2075
@Argos NOW YOU TELL ME. Although I don't mind brown horribly, I just could have skipped a lot of work (and a little money & mess). I bleached my hair twice and it still came out burnt orangy- ...
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (March/April 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11026&Focus=352253#Comment_3522532013-04-30T16:59:08-05:002015-03-31T17:09:52-05:00Argoshttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=7792
Have you tried toning it? It removes the brassy colors that are left over from bleaching.
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (March/April 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11026&Focus=352344#Comment_3523442013-05-02T10:48:19-05:002013-05-02T10:48:42-05:00Rachæl Tyrellhttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=552
@Razrangel - Using bleach, your hair is always going to have an orangey-burnt tone to it, until it goes full on baby-chick-yellow. You ahve to get it to just slightly lighter in value that you want ...
GOOD: My fellow just bought me a memory foam mattress, and it's AWESOME! I've just plopped it atop my inflatable mattress, and it's like living on a cloud! My spine is so thankful. The improvement in my life quality is substantial. Also, I've started going to the gym. Somewhat compulsively, actually. I'd gotten this membership and hadn't used it for two months, and finally, my medication was switched, and WHOOOOO! I've been going just about every day, as it was recommended for my joint issues that a stationary bike might be ideal (I'd tried the eliptical and it still fucked my ankles and feet). The bike works pretty well (though my joins are still in great pain), and so trick myself daily into going to the gym, at least to use the automated massage chair and the stretching horse thing and the red light therapy booth with the vibratey floor, and then if I feel up for it, I bike, and then if I feel up for it, I do some weights. YAY! I'm picking up steam, and I'm hoping to finally get to the big pile of stuff to mail out to random people and make my website and do all the things that I've been slacking on so severely for the past year.

BAD: Still no doctor answers. The Mestinon did nothing but make me terribly nauseated all the time, so they took me off of it and put me on Prednisone, to see how it goes. It's been pretty AMAZING, except for it's effect on my abdomen, appetite and androgens. After just a week, I'm bloated and started to gain weight disproportionately around my middle, my intestines keep cramping, I'm constantly ravenously hungry, and I'm probably going to start growing even more hair. My vision hasn't improved any, and taking the prednisone, as AMAZING as it's been for my not feeling like I'm made out of 250 year old recycled body parts, kills the adrenal glands and saps my calcium from my bones and makes the actual issues of my connective tissue worse. So.... i'm trying to enjoy it as much as I can while I've got it, which is why I'm hitting the gym sort of obsessively right now, in the hopes of getting myself fit to a point that I'll be able to carry over even when I have to go back off the Prednisone. It's sort of a sucky situation, and I feel even more like I'm some kind of slow motion Flowers for Algernon experiment. The geneticist can't test me for anything because I don't have enough for her to go on to justify it to my MEDICARE insurance to cover the cost.

Also, I'm drowning in being poor. Seriously. I can't live like this. I don't know how to find a way out. I have just enough to pay rent and utilities and MAYBE enough metrocard for the month. All my shoes are falling apart, I haven't bought a new bra in years, etc etc etc. I'm really tired of just scraping by, but I can't figure out what to do for cash when my health is so fickle.

I pushed it too hard yesterday, thinking that after all the cycling at the gym without repurcussion I could easily go walking around Brooklyn for a few hours. THAT WAS WRONG. Walking involves a lot more gravity and wear on my body, I rediscovered. So today I'm pretty broken.

However, I have started painting again. So maybe that's my way out of this mess. It's the only way I can see: being an artist that makes my own schedule and my own pace. That is, if my body allows it.]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (March/April 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11026&Focus=352370#Comment_3523702013-05-02T23:52:41-05:002015-03-31T17:09:52-05:00dispophotohttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=4498
mmm... i don't think i've ever actually done one of these...
goddamnitsomuch:
the girl is out in Quebec City for 5 weeks doing a museum technician internship, which is about 2.5 hours north from ...
goddamnitsomuch:the girl is out in Quebec City for 5 weeks doing a museum technician internship, which is about 2.5 hours north from Montréal here. I won't get to see her until the weekend after at the earliest. thank god for skype.

money's always an issue. my main income's working freelance doing video translations from french-LSQ or english-ASL, or some variations thereof, plus other location shooting of workshops & event photography. it pays just enough for rent and bills, but not enough to save or for anything extra, especially since the girl's still a student. Thankfully, she's about to graduate in a month, and our financial situation should improve by then, when and if she finds work. the job market's not too kind on anyone lately, most especially for Deaf people. ( http://deafcantgetjobs.blogspot.ca/2012/11/reasons-employers-wont-hire-deaf-people.html ) @overqualified bullshit: it's the same excuse people pulled when i was looking for work 15 years ago, usually as an excuse not to hire a deaf guy without running afoul of human rights issues.

my mood's also been foul on a regular basis, usually being triggered by discussions and reports of the negative effects of mainstreaming Deaf students, while not providing access to sign language. this article ( http://thewalrus.ca/distinct-society/ ) goes in depth, and Pam was interviewed near the end of the article (I'm mentioned too!). one part of the article that i very much relate to, minus "popular":"Up until grade ten, she was the only deaf kid in her school. Her head throbbed from the concentration required to read lips and filter noise all day, and she would come home and take it out on her parents and her little sister, Ariane. “I was depressed. I had dark thoughts,” Ménard says. Even when she started high school, made more friends, and became popular, she still felt isolated and unhappy."During my elementary school years, i was being driven to the next county over and then bussed to school, because the "experts" said going to the local french schools would be "bad" for me and i would be better off in an english environment (they were anglophones themselves). also, being the only deaf kid in a hearing environment, with an ex-jock for a principal who would take a punitive approach to everything. as a result, i have shitty social skills in person, and avoid group events of hearing people as much as possible. I feel alienated from my own Acadian culture, and i'm neither fully comfortable in the hearing or the Deaf world. it's a really in-depth & drawn-out issue, which i'll save for another time.

thislookspositivehowdoireact:bought a router a month ago and i'm nearly fully stocked on all the tools i need to do anything i want, and also for the girl to run a side business making frames, display enclosures, etc… i'm planning to set up my own website soon (been forever since i've actually had a proper website) detailing my projects and offering things to sell.

a music video that i worked on as DOP a few years ago finally got limited rights from the studios to be shown at TIDFAF ( http://tidfaf.ca/portfolio/alors-on-danse/ ) even though we still have yet to secure the rights to show it on youtube & such.

I shot & edited a personal video by the girl and her childhood friend on the insights of the Montreal Deaf Jehovah's Witness community (both are ex-JWs) signed in LSQ with french subtitles and voiceoverhttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JeG3aGCsL50it's gotten almost 5,000 views.the ASL/english version is still being translated but i'm hoping to have it done by summer.

ohtheresotherpeopleouttheretoo:oh. erm. shit'll look up in one form or another, i suppose.]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (March/April 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11026&Focus=352396#Comment_3523962013-05-03T17:21:31-05:002013-05-03T17:27:18-05:00fleckyhttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=8949
BAD PENNY:
I'm fighting depression bad of late, lots of it related to health and housing issues. Just getting through each day is a real task in my world, it really is; but I won't moan about ...
I'm fighting depression bad of late, lots of it related to health and housing issues. Just getting through each day is a real task in my world, it really is; but I won't moan about it.

I've been dumping shit in meetings, and I've reached the point where I no-longer give a shit what people think about my crap. I will continue to dish-out the filth, the sickness, the damage, the depravity - all of it - until I'm purged. I didn't go to rehab to make friends, and I don't go to meetings to be a nice-guy.

EPIPHANY NUMBER 56:

I keep having these bouts of despair, but by listening to "beautiful" music, my mind goes to a place of almost soul-searing intensity. I feel like I'm on the cusp of something major, something I know that will, sadly, never happen. I love it, and maybe I'm just mad...

*nods head* CAN RELATE:

@Rachael: The meds I'm taking for depression, Mirtazapine, have made me fat round the gut and I'm fucking hungry all the time.]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (March/April 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11026&Focus=352544#Comment_3525442013-05-08T13:31:41-05:002013-05-08T13:36:47-05:00oldhathttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=75
BOO:
- Still unemployed, though getting a modest amount helping with the transition and doing stuff around the house. Applied for a lot of jobs and all have been saying no so far. As much as I ...
- Still unemployed, though getting a modest amount helping with the transition and doing stuff around the house. Applied for a lot of jobs and all have been saying no so far. As much as I want to bartend, it's looking like no one will dare hire me for it.

- The work I am doing now is just...so stupid. Boss seems to have forgotten everything she learned about her computer (how to get her e-mail, how to turn on the printer, how to turn it off) and I'm getting a lot of vague requests that she knows I have no expertise in. What makes it worse is that she's regarding me as being on call 24/7 so, while the work doesn't take long, it can happen at any time in the day. This annoys me.

- My room has woodlice. Last night over 20 of the buggers of various sizes were crawling around my wall and heading for my bed. I went apeshit, killed them all and went to sleep knowing there were a few still around. They're harmless, but attracted to moisture and I open my mouth when I sleep (as I can't breathe through my nose) so I'm worried. Also, getting lice one time a few years ago gave me that extreme fear of being surrounded by bugs.

- Depressions hitting me harder at night nowadays. Getting melancholy and missing things like human contact that last longer than a brief hug has become something of a before bed ritual now.

- Eating better, which is good, but I've approached the stage where I'm craving pizza or apple pie and ice cream or chocolate or lots of cheese ALL THE TIME and I hate the feeling that my body is rebelling towards feeling better.

- Mystery still surrounds what I have. Another round of tests in two weeks.

YAY:

- Having time to do personal shit is pretty awesome. Yesterday I tended to my garden (Have radish, beet and onion seeds planted as well as some hops), played some video game and started writing some Wench posts again. It feels good to actually DO shit.

- As I said, I'm eating healthier and it's paying off. Lost 5lbs in the past week with a combination of eating well and exercising (I'm back to running a mile a day. Going to stop caring too much about distance and just focus on getting my body moving for now). Hopefully I'll be down another 10lbs soon and then, hopefully, another 10lbs, which will be my 2011 weight where I was happiest. Currently I'm at 237. I originally aimed, when I started exercising for 199 (just to see the number). Now I want to just be at 217 and look fit. I think I can do that.

- May possibly have a chance at being considered to run tours and tastings for a brewery's brewpub opening soon. Hopefully something happens with that.

- I'm finding a reason every day. It's not a great reason, and it's pretty much the same one, but it's mine and it's getting me through the day and that's good enough.

GO YOU:

@Flecky, getting out the shit is essential. Hope it goes well.@Rae, glad you're painting again.]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (March/April 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11026&Focus=352556#Comment_3525562013-05-08T21:40:35-05:002015-03-31T17:09:52-05:00Argoshttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=7792
I'm craving pizza or apple pie and ice cream or chocolate or lots of cheese ALL THE TIME
Ugh, that's me right now. After I started exercising again I got that RAVENOUS HUNGER QUICK REPLENISH THE ...
I'm craving pizza or apple pie and ice cream or chocolate or lots of cheese ALL THE TIME

Ugh, that's me right now. After I started exercising again I got that RAVENOUS HUNGER QUICK REPLENISH THE CALORIES!!! feeling, and also I want all the sugar in all its ugly beautiful tasty forms. Boooo.]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (March/April 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11026&Focus=352559#Comment_3525592013-05-08T22:05:27-05:002015-03-31T17:09:52-05:00oldhathttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=75
Yeah, I've JUST been able to control not caving, phoning a pizza place and heading to a store to buy all the cake
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (March/April 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11026&Focus=352560#Comment_3525602013-05-08T22:13:38-05:002015-03-31T17:09:52-05:00dispophotohttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=4498
@oldhat @argos
try this:
http://garden-of-vegan.tumblr.com/post/24630752689/vegan-oatmeal-protein-bars-these-bars-are-super
it's pretty awesome, full of all the stuff you want & need :)
try this:http://garden-of-vegan.tumblr.com/post/24630752689/vegan-oatmeal-protein-bars-these-bars-are-super

it's pretty awesome, full of all the stuff you want & need :)]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (March/April 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11026&Focus=352561#Comment_3525612013-05-08T22:17:03-05:002015-03-31T17:09:52-05:00oldhathttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=75
I actually saved those on tumblr!
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (March/April 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11026&Focus=352567#Comment_3525672013-05-09T01:53:48-05:002013-05-09T06:48:43-05:00chris ghttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=1829
Booo: Also still no job! I applied to the obvious retail/fast food spots online but they never respond. Being up all night and knocking out in the morning doesn't fucking help either. I checked out ...
Wrestling training is starting again next week. I just barely have enough for the $150 enrollment fee but I should grow the fuck up and just let it pass me by again. I can't be wasting money even though I've been wanting to do this for years. But I'm almost 28. I feel great but the last thing I need is going after a stupid dream so late in my 20's and end up getting hurt in the middle of it. I hate that I am not allowing myself the balls to do this and maybe open the doors up to adventure or some shit. I don't know. But these goddamn grown up priorities/survival must come first!

Yay: Hmm. Nothing!

You guys: @Oldhat - Those bugs sound like a nightmare. I've been getting a baby spider in bed every night this week but I sprayed a bit so they fucked off. I've also been getting regular size spiders, it's annoying. At least my cat alerted me to one I caught her playing with so that helps! Good luck with the weight loss. I may have over done the dieting and now everything fits me too big, damn it. Also I reallyyyyy want to start running too!! My old middle school is on my block. But last I checked there were fences closing off the track field, urgh. I just want to start! Also I did like that spoken word thing you did a lot.]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (March/April 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11026&Focus=352593#Comment_3525932013-05-09T14:08:14-05:002015-03-31T17:09:52-05:00mister hexhttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=4411
YES! Mah Ladyfriend is awesome, won an award for teaching. Got to go to the reception, ate fancy finger-food and the guy with the drink tickets was her friend so we could've gotten blotto but she had ...
What ELSE is Yes!? (Nothing.)

FUCK NO - Work continues to be shit - the three stupidest words in the English Language are "OPEN DURING RENOVATIONS". The difference between my work and McDonalds is that at McDonalds? There's only one clown running the show.

Mah ladyfriend is going to Turkey. For nine days. On Friday. I know Turkey is a modern nation-state and not some filthy back-water but I also know WHERE Turkey is. And Bad Shit happens in that part of the world, for some reason. Hell, Turkey borders Iraq. AND Syria. So guess who's gonna be on tender-hooks for nine days?

It's Mother's Day on Sunday. Don't ask.

@oldhat - Try Kilgour's. Annex, Bathurst and Bloor. I know the owners, they're good guys. You might not start as a bar-tender but it's worth a shot. Hell, I'd love to meet you there for a shot and introduce you personally to Andrew and Peter.

@chris - almost 28? You have your life ahead of you and it's marvellous, sir.]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (March/April 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11026&Focus=352603#Comment_3526032013-05-09T15:45:07-05:002015-03-31T17:09:52-05:00allanahttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=4019
Yay: new apartment. Again. My fifth apartment in two years. But this one has a sixteen-month lease and it's cheap and it's in the best possible location (St Laurent and Rachel, zomg) and I might also ...
No-Yay: still no internet at home. Sitting at the laundromat right now. I have no job and the boy has neither a functioning phone nor computer. So, putting the wifi off until we have enough working technology to warrant it. Also until 200$+ in setup fees (no fucking joke, it's totally wack) seems less daunting and more reasonable.

You-Yay: Unemployment! We all has it! Luckily, sunbathing on the balcony with a nice cold bottle of delicious tap water is kinda free. And you're all invited to my place now that I have room (byobed).]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (March/April 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11026&Focus=352627#Comment_3526272013-05-10T07:24:13-05:002015-03-31T17:09:52-05:00Fauxhammerhttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=27
einz: Quitting smoking...again...in the next few weeks. I might grab a pack of the lozenges today, to break the habit before I deploy the Chantix to nuke the withdrawal. I asked my psychiatrist if I ...
zwei: Feeling sick of the world. It's run by gangsters and sociopaths. I'm just going to huddle with my people and enjoy what I can before shit comes down.

polizei: Food cravings are shit. I tend to gorge on meat and veg to stave off the carb beast, and it does help.]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (March/April 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11026&Focus=352630#Comment_3526302013-05-10T08:12:15-05:002015-03-31T17:09:52-05:00Scrymgeourhttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=4141
@mister Hex,
Turkey's pretty safe to be honest. a large portion of it is closer to Greece than Syria, the people are some of the friendliest and most hospitable I've ever met, and global terrorism ...
Turkey's pretty safe to be honest. a large portion of it is closer to Greece than Syria, the people are some of the friendliest and most hospitable I've ever met, and global terrorism is a failed brand. Don't worry, my only bad experience in Turkey was in fact a drunken scots archaeologist threatening to cut my ear off at one of the first permanent largeish settlements on the planet]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (March/April 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11026&Focus=352648#Comment_3526482013-05-10T16:42:49-05:002015-03-31T17:09:52-05:00mister hexhttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=4411
@scrymgeour - Yeah, I know all that. (She's going to Ankara, not Istanbul and probably nowhere near either drunken Scotsmen or archeological digs.) But part of me (A LARGE PART!) is extremely ...
And I'm not a world traveller, y'know? I hate travelling. I couldn't imagine going somewhere that I couldn't speak the language. Whenever someone tells me about the exotic locales they've visited, all I can think of is how glad I didn't have to go there. I'd rather have a nail driven into my hand than to travel to about nine-tenths of the world. (Some people love travelling. Other people are me.)

I can't help it. I'm not usually a worrying type. But anytime someone I love goes somewhere that starts with "Middle" and ends with "East", I get worried. A woman, travelling alone, in an Arab country? What could possibly go wrong? (SEE?! It's starting again ...)]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (March/April 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11026&Focus=352662#Comment_3526622013-05-11T03:20:37-05:002015-03-31T17:09:52-05:00Kay Orchisonhttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=10078
Were you at Göbekli Tepe?
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (March/April 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11026&Focus=352671#Comment_3526712013-05-11T12:44:47-05:002015-03-31T17:09:52-05:00Woodhttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=5205
Friendly tip : don't go around calling Turkey an "Arab country". Not in the presence of Turks, by any means. It's kind of like saying Scotland is part of England, only worse.
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (March/April 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11026&Focus=352702#Comment_3527022013-05-12T14:19:55-05:002013-05-12T14:21:26-05:00Rachæl Tyrellhttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=552
GOOD:
I spent Friday at WFMU again, and hoo boy, do I love that place and hanging out with those people. I asked facebook for a crockpot, and a fellow who volunteers there left one for me! ...
I spent Friday at WFMU again, and hoo boy, do I love that place and hanging out with those people. I asked facebook for a crockpot, and a fellow who volunteers there left one for me! HOORAY! I seem to have found my tribe of humans.

I painted a painting and submitted it to a gallery show. It's not a very good painting, I think, and I seriously doubt that it will be accepted into the show, but I'm glad that I managed to even submit it.

Also, my fellow is an amazing and awesome guy in general, and I'm feeling quite lucky and happy to have him in my life. He's supportive and smart and silly, and he brought me out to see comedian Doug Stanhope last week, which was FABULOUS.

I have also been going to the gym nearly every day. It's two blocks from my apartment, and I've got the $20 a month membership which allows me all access all the time. So I trick myself into going, first saying to myself "well, I should at least go and enjoy the massage chair and the stretching horse thing" and then I tell myself "well, I could at least go on the bike for a little bit" and then I stay on until the awful and terrible pain subsides from the flood of endorphines kicks in and then I keep going until my butt hurts too much, and THEN I make myself go on the machines with very light weights, and THEN I go in this red light Beauty Angel booth that fills me with collagen repair goodness and a vibratey floor that makes me feel awesome. It's been eating up a lot of my time, this going to the gym almost every day, but really, trying to get my body to work properly is the most important thing I can do for myself. I know that this ability to go to the gym and be able to exercise is all due to my combination of medications (tramadol, prednisone, metformin, claritin D), and I know that I'll be taken off the prednisone at some point, and I know that at such a point I will hurt and not want to move my body at all, so I'm really trying to cram in as much good for my body as I can so that maybe I'll have forced myself into enough of an active life that when I'm taken off the cortisone stuff I'll still be willing to exercise. Or something.

Regardless, it's really fucking amazing to have discovered the stationary bike. I'm always feeling so trapped in my body. Everything hurts, and I never get to be free. Dancing hurts. Running wrecks my ankles and I limp for days. Trying to bike out in the world kills my hips. But a stationary bike with no resistance?! Man oh man. Watch me go crazy! Watch me as I speed through 15 miles in less than an hour and get my heart rate up to 135 and I finally get to kick ass and push myself without breaking something on me. It's just so freeing.

Also, prednisone is supposed to be a drug that causes unavoidable and extreme weight gain. I've managed to lose weight because of how much I've been pushing myself given this slight reprieve of constant pain.

BAD:

I still hurt. A lot. All the time.

Getting ready to go out last week I dropped a lint remover on my foot and i'm pretty sure I fractured a toe. It hurts like hell and It's been days. Of course it's on the side that DOESNT have a crap ankle, so now I'm just generally gimpy.

Money. This $20 a month gym membership seems to have pushed me over the edge now, and since I bought myself a tube of oil paint this month I don't think I'll be able to pay my phone bill. Living on $780 a month with nearly $600 in rent and utilities is just not feasible to live on, and I'm constantly freaking out about how to live. Most of my shoes have fallen apart, and I need new bras and stuff.

I've gotten too brazen with my new athleticism and keep thinking that because I can go to the gym and bike for an hour every day that I could do things like walk around with the fellow. Nope. Walking sure does wreck me. My feet end up in pain for days, my hands ache from using the cane, my back is wrecked from having even just my camera around my neck. It's quite frustrating.

INBETWEEN:

It's both rewarding and frustrating to find that with just a bit of painlessness, every criticism made of me and my personality has disappeared. It's so clearly not an issue of psychology or psychiatry, I so clearly don't need anti-depressants. I just need to not feel like I'm made of 250 year old body parts. Even with wonky vision and hands that don't work and using a cane to get around most of the time, I've immediately started kicking ass and being a monster of productivity as soon as the pain was just lifted to a tolerable level. It's been a weird kind of head trip, watching this happen to myself. I feel better about myself, knowing that I'm not lazy, but scared for my future even more, since I know I've still no diagnosis, and I'll probably keep deteriorating as I age, and while the prednisone feels great now, it is only going to make my aging joints age worse.

OTHER HUMANS:

@oldhat - I'm sorry you are going through a medical mystery. It's frustrating to be a guinea pig to doctors, even if they have the best intentions of treating you.

@fauxhammer - yes, that's how I tend to deal with the carb beast as well. GIVE ME ALL THE PROTEIN AND GREENS!!!

@chris - 28 isn't too old to start anything. Seriously.

@Flecky - keep it going man! Seriously. Your strength gives me strength.]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (March/April 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11026&Focus=352707#Comment_3527072013-05-12T17:21:50-05:002015-03-31T17:09:52-05:00Argoshttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=7792
Rachael that's awesome!! I love stationary bikes, they're awesome. But seriously, I am so happy to hear you've been able to find some form of exercise that doesn't wreck your body.
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (March/April 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11026&Focus=352821#Comment_3528212013-05-15T17:50:57-05:002015-03-31T17:09:52-05:00Peter Kellyhttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=3000
Bad - I spent most of 2011/12 complaining. So, while everything isn't perfect. I'm going to skip this section (venting is good/healthy so I'm happy to read everyone else's stuff, but for now, I need ...
The Good -Work has been great. I'm editing a comedy series that is actually funny. And the producer & director know what they have. It's not a big budget american sitcom, and it's not trying to be. And while i don't feel I've necessarily put my stamp on it, I'm damn proud to be working on it.Also, I started an indiegogo campaign, trying to raise $2000 to build a space ship set. 5 days in, and I'm already half way to the target. I posted it in the kickstarter thread round here if you are interested (My pitch video has a sample episode in it, so that should amuse you, if nothing else)

the rest. @hex - hope the lady gets home safe. she's good people@Rachael - awesome. I don't get why we need to trick ourselves into doing things that are good for us but sounds like you have something that is working. Stick with it!@chris g - I know I skipped a section so I shouldn't talk, but you have to have SOMETHING good going on!]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (March/April 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11026&Focus=352823#Comment_3528232013-05-15T19:40:20-05:002013-05-15T19:40:56-05:00oldhathttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=75
Bad - Just made the heartbreaking decision to give it a couple of more weeks and if nothing happens still, I'll be giving up on this wild and crazy fantasy to get an entry-level job in the beer ...
Good - TCAF was a lot of fun. Made a chickpea curry that was pretty boss. Got a press kit in the mail that I liked.

Sorry. Just needed to get that shit out. I've been crying about it for a bit now and I think I'm entering the "angry" stage of it.]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (March/April 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11026&Focus=352825#Comment_3528252013-05-15T20:25:19-05:002015-03-31T17:09:52-05:00Argoshttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=7792
((hugs)) oldhat. That shit sucks.
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (March/April 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11026&Focus=352826#Comment_3528262013-05-15T22:22:27-05:002015-03-31T17:09:52-05:00Greasemonkeyhttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=4625
@Peter: I'm penniless and can't send you hard currency, but I can donate a couple of days' building labour if required.
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (March/April 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11026&Focus=352829#Comment_3528292013-05-15T23:49:01-05:002015-03-31T17:09:52-05:00razrangelhttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=2075
I keep forgetting to do this. I open the page and then something shiney comes along and suddenly it's a week later.
Sorry, @Rachel, I don't know what most of that means. }:> I bleached my ...
Sorry, @Rachel, I don't know what most of that means. }:> I bleached my hair the max that I can without destroying it. hair falling out undermines fab hair of any color. I've made it work with red before. And actually it worked with blue, too, which surprised me. But purple not so much. *Sad face* If/when I have the cash I'll definitely see a professional. In the meantime, as my hair turns steadily lighter brown, I'm gearing up for red again.

GOOD: I have the good laptop back. It's nice to have a machine that works. I even got to play with Google video chat because I couldn't work out how to dig something out of the admin mushy underbelly and a techy friend didn't want to try to explain it over IM. Oooh I've never video conferenced before (yes, I know I'm more than a decade behind everyone else - my clever phone flips open and takes snapshots that can only be sent to other phones), but there was even a simple step to let him take over the computer! That was so profoundly modern tech - supremely handy and amazingly scary!

Grabbing my life and demanding that I run it. Mixed results so far. It's really challenging to reclaim everything that I ceded to depression/ennui/certainty of my helplessness. But it's filed under GOOD because for once I have the energy and what I would have once called stubbornness but today am calling determination. Gym-going is up this week. Vocal exercises are mostly happening. Working on cleaning so everything else can happen and generally demanding movement on all fronts every day.

BAD: FUCK, living with my family can suck. I try very hard not to bitch. A. it makes me sound like I'm 16. B. The upsides are not to be underestimated (beats the shit out of living in a van by the river (if I had a van and there were a river)). C. I can suck it up usually. But... GAHHH My mom lives for treating me like I'm still underage; dotes on me some, but seriously, literally wants to know who I'm going out with and where we're going.... Living out here in Anaheim, while it's not as far as far can be from Los Angeles, it is most certainly not especially convenient to anything that goes on in LA. And 99.99% of the things that go on that matter to me go on in LA. Driving back and forth about 30 miles each way, when gas costs $4/gallon and my truck is a gas guzzler is fucking painful. And stuff at the house.... well sometimes it's ok, sometimes it drives me batty. Largely it's ok when it's quiet and the rest of the time my oldest brother is around. For those of you who haven't been playing along, OB is paranoid schizophrenic and that shit is a chore to deal with. Very long and complex story overly short: If it weren't for his illness I would have felt comfortable writing him off as self-obsessed asshole a long time ago. But he has even fewer prospects than I do just... goddamn he's obnoxious and doesn't take any advice to heart when it comes from the people who do care about him. But he deep in debt to soothsayers and others who tell him things he wants to hear (after he pays them), and so he keeps expecting he'll be one investment away from riches and just one message across his restraining order so he and his one true love can be together.

My time isn't my own from about 6pm to nearly midnight because family. I stay up until the wee hours because of this, and then because of THAT it's hard to get up during actual morning hours. Which has me trying to get shit done just as the noise in the house is picking up and my attention is being called to be out with everyone else. Fuuuu.... Flip side, I still am loaded with WANT for someone else. For someone to give piece of myself, my life. Ugh. Talk about a subject that makes me feel squirrelly. As I tell OB, no one just gets handed a romantic partner. We get what we get and we should treasure it. Because we sure as shit aren't entitled to it. Sometimes it's A Thing that gets me out of bed, sometimes it's A Thing that makes me lay around aching.

Finally, health is...?? Either I have cancer or body is doing some unusual but relatively healthy stuff. WebMD is inconclusive. Oh hello, life without health insurance, how are you. TMI:

On my third bleeding cycle in 5 weeks. Perimenopause? Quite possibly. But... *sigh* Need to do more homework. And probably see a real doctor no matter what.

At least the eyes aren't being buggy right now. *knocks wood*

SALUTATIONS: @Rachel - so glad you've worked out some way to get out and get moving. However small, it's a gift you can give yourself, and I'm glad you are able to do so.@oldhat - sorry you were overlooked this time. Happens to the absolute best of us. Stick to your guns though, you know your shit.@Hex - lost track of days as to whether your lady is back or what. Hope it's all good. You're being a bit silly. But cute.Love you all.]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (March/April 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11026&Focus=352830#Comment_3528302013-05-16T00:03:45-05:002013-05-16T00:05:27-05:00Scrymgeourhttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=4141
@Oldhat,
Keep going, it took me almost 4 years of shitty bar jobs to get one I like in the alcoholic beverage industry but now I can't imaging doing anything else.
Have you thought about looking at ...
Keep going, it took me almost 4 years of shitty bar jobs to get one I like in the alcoholic beverage industry but now I can't imaging doing anything else.Have you thought about looking at it from the other end and doing a sales job for them first? The brewers themselves are often chemical engineers and whatnot.]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (March/April 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11026&Focus=352854#Comment_3528542013-05-16T18:27:16-05:002015-03-31T17:09:52-05:00dorkmuffinhttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=6719
@razrangel, try Planned Parenthood for the lady issues? They do gyn stuff for uninsured women.
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (March/April 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11026&Focus=352857#Comment_3528572013-05-16T20:27:53-05:002015-03-31T17:09:52-05:00sellmeyoursoulhttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=9518
Hey Whitechapel! How've you been?
HUG THE WHOLE WORLD:
@Oldhat/Raz/Rachael - Too many medical mysteries 'round these parts. You all deserve a diagnosis and subsequent treatment because the world ...
HUG THE WHOLE WORLD:@Oldhat/Raz/Rachael - Too many medical mysteries 'round these parts. You all deserve a diagnosis and subsequent treatment because the world needs to keep it's fabulous ladies in fighting form.@Faux - Do what you gotta do to quit the smoking. Let's keep your ass out of the medical drama camp. And I'm only slightly saying that because I'm going to be doing rewrites on a short story this weekend.@Hex - The lady should be home soon yes? @Flecky - Keep hanging in there mate. @ChrisG - 28? Why I was just discussing how my early 30s were really when I got my shit together enough for my life to feel like it was starting. Youngin'!

HUGS FOR ME!/HUGS FOR ME?:A few weeks ago I went to a wedding just outside of LA. It was the first time I'd been back there since I moved away in 2006 and as soon as I got on the 405, it felt like I was home. I really want to move back, although the likelihood that that's in the cards any time soon isn't. The wedding was for my cousin, who married a friend of mine so it was a family party and a friends part all at once. It was awesome. While there, I met this total smokin' hottie who fancied me back even though there was a swarm of dudes trying to pick her up all night long. The next day we went to the Getty Center (one of my favorite places in LA) and hung out. It's possible there may have been kissing on the Getty Lawn. Maybe. It turns out not only is she cute as all get out, but she's also a wicked cool, bad-ass chick. SHE USED TO HAVE A MOHAWK FER GOSH-DANG SAKE! At the moment she lives in Brooklyn, so she's only a few hundred miles away. Since then we've texted and called one another almost every day. I was going to go to New York this weekend and crash on a friend's floor so that I could see her, but she canceled a couple of days ago. She's directing an off-broadway play and the first show is in a couple of weeks and so she realized that she's going to be tied up with that. I'm sad that I can't see her, but think it's pretty awesome that she does stuff like this. I've decided I'm going to go to the city for my birthday in the middle of June. I'll get a hotel for a couple of nights, see her show, see her, and try and connect with various friends while I'm there. (Whitechapel meet-up the weekend of the 15th?) Speaking up WC meet-ups, when I left the Getty Center it was to see Razrangel, Oddbill, David Lajune, and MikiM! We ate food, drank beer and were generally merry. Then I bathed in corpse juice, because what else does one do in a cheep downtown LA hotel? Since returning home, the new lady person (I'm never really sure how to define these things, particularly when there's a long-distance component) has kept me inspired. I've written two songs and ground out the outlines for a few more chapters in the novel. As well as the short story mentioned earlier (which is really a stand-alone chapter in the bigger book). I love hanging out with cool people who do creative stuff. It always leaves me energized. It's one of the reasons I love you lot. (OK, I'm far too sober to be declaring my love for the internest so I'll say good night now.)]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (March/April 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11026&Focus=352859#Comment_3528592013-05-16T20:44:08-05:002015-03-31T17:09:52-05:00Argoshttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=7792
@Raz - seconding PP. They're great if you have little to no income and no insurance. My mom had endometriosis when she was bleeding a lot. Not saying that's what it is, just saying that was the ...
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (March/April 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11026&Focus=352925#Comment_3529252013-05-18T16:24:41-05:002015-03-31T17:09:52-05:00roadscumhttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=7712
Woah! Right! I have been meaning to do one of these things old stylee on a Saturday night for bleedin' ages but bin too sleep deprived and generally - pardon my language - fucked to make much sense. ...
It is past my bedtime and i have work tomorrow, I shall be brief.

Good:

Got book signed by the Ellis. Went to Waking Jack, got pictures. Got money, food, warm, dry home. Not dead yet. Bluebells!

Rachael, Robin, hang on in there. I am around about twice your age yet still, you are my heroes. You are not allowed to succumb. I wish there was more i could do than just cheer from the sidelines. You are precious. You are jewels. You are little sparks of inspiration in the hopeless dark of the world. All you need to do is put one foot in front of the other, just keep on keeping on and eventually you'll be somewhere else. Different, stronger, if not better then better able to deal with what you've got. Just keep going!

Flecky - you too! This is the long hard difficult bit. Keep busy, do something useful - it'll make you feel good and help other people or things or whatever you chose, just do it! Go on!

From ages ago: John Carpenter - you are a braver man than i, much braver. More strength to you! Try those lenses before you give up on them. Silica gel and somewhere warm and see what you've got. It may be more than you expected.

Razangel, Roo, all the rest of you: I feel like i should have words for you but i'm damned if i can think what they are. Be strong. Endure, all of you. The world is richer with your presence.

Now, i am sleep deprived, drunk, old and quite, quite daft. I am going to bed.

- Still no job, but not feeling as horrible about the lack of beer job. I'll figure something out.

- Weight's bugging me. And my self-image. Just not feelin' pretty to my standards and need to get on that.

GOOD,

- Working the garden like a motherfucker. I managed to transplant a bunch of flowers to an area over the weekend. Plus my veggies and hops have become to sprout! I'm feeling pretty accomplished on that front.

- Getting some photo work and a graphic/web designer friend is looking in to copy work for me, as that's kind of my primary work background (weird how writing ended up being my "thing")

- Going to NYC soon. Officially there for 3-4 days, but going to look in to seeing if I can stay there longer and take a train back home.

- Getting invited to more nad more beer events. The only reason I can't go to Mondial, Canada's biggest beer event ever, is I don't have money for transport to Montreal at the moment.

- Running more, which is nice.

- Some medical mystery cleared up. Looks like stomach cancer actually was a possibility and my doctor was looking in to that and possibly having a bacteria that more or less causes stomach cancer. Nope and nope, so that's good! As we begin to cross things off the list, it looks like depression and stress may have been the culprit behind some of the issues. There are still base issues to look in to though.

- Feeling better after turning on the light and finding myself in a pool of my own blood last week. Who wouldn't?

- Last night I was so damn sore from the running and constant squats from gardening, that I decided to take a scented bath and bring my personal massager, a Lelo Smart Wand, in with me. It's completely waterproof and my muscles, primarily the ones in my legs and shoulders, turned to jelly and I had an incredibly comfortable and deep sleep, which I really needed.

DO EET,

@roadscum, Hooray for book signed by Ellis! And thank you for the pep talk. :)@sellmeyoursoul, Hooray for new ladyfriend and WC meets!]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (March/April 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11026&Focus=353031#Comment_3530312013-05-21T22:20:48-05:002015-03-31T17:09:52-05:00dispophotohttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=4498
@Oldhat if you book Megabus way in advance & on certain days of the week, you should be able to get a round trip to montreal for under $50. i used to commute weekly to Toronto last year and ...
Megabus way in advance & on certain days of the week, you should be able to get a round trip to montreal for under $50. i used to commute weekly to Toronto last year and always saved a lot of cash with them.]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (March/April 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11026&Focus=353079#Comment_3530792013-05-23T15:44:07-05:002013-05-23T18:12:36-05:00chris ghttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=1829
Good???: I opened a etsy store to sell my paintings. Some have actually sold so I am surprised and relieved that a little money is coming. I hope I don't jinx it. Also: for a while now my mother and ...
opened a etsy store to sell my paintings. Some have actually sold so I am surprised and relieved that a little money is coming. I hope I don't jinx it. Also: for a while now my mother and her surviving brothers and sisters are supposed to receive inheritance from my grandmother who died a couple of years ago. But she would have to fly over to her country to sign papers in person and she really doesn't know when that money will be ready to be released just yet. She said she would like to buy a house with it. And for me and sis to have our jobs to keep paying it and have a home way after she eventually dies. But I don't like people dreaming for me and don't like my life being fucking decided upon like that. Honestly I am broke as shit but I want to move out and be alone so bad. Yay for being stuck with what/who you got, I guess! I am trying not to think about any supposed miracle money, I just want a damn job NOW.

Ughhhhhh: Still no job either. I applied at a staffing services place last week. They said to call in a few days to follow up. I've been ebaying and selling paintings but I don't think I'm even breaking even on that. Shipping adds the fuck up and I'm getting sick of going into the post office. I really do want to start working and get a routine again. F*CK. Going on three months of joblessness. I might have to give up my car. I gotta get my shit together but it looks fucking bleak.

I've deleted entire spiels about this before but long story long: Last month some indie wrestler stole my almost-internet-girlfriend. But it turns out he's a scumbag and used her to exchange nudes online (nobody told me this, I just dug around and found out on my own like a fucking creep) and stopped talking to her after he got a real life g/f to screw. Now she's all damaged an dead inside and deflects and dismisses my compliments and flirting attempts. She's crushing on another nobody wrestler who isn't interested. I've pretty much been phased out. She was into me at first but I guess she just wants wrestler attention. I guess I'm fucking foolish for still being fond of her. Being lead on really did a number on my stupid mind and heart, which have been vulnerable lately. If I had known she was such an attention/validation whore I would have kept my distance from the beginning, but you can't predict these things. People just slowly reveal themselves, I guess. I wish I could unfollow her from all the social media shit for the sake of my mental health but I don't want to invite any drama. Fucking internet can fuck with your head sometimes. I used to know who I was. And I forgot what I was about for the last few months.I used to be the evilest force of nature motherfucker around. And creator of badass shark comics. This shit is really fucking beneath me. Internet crushes; talk about your goddamn kid stuff.

Hey guyz: @Robin - Glad you're okay. I can't remember the last time a doc checked me out. I'd be too worried to find out anything. But at least I feel just fine =\@sellmeyoursoul - Good luck with that girl, haha.@Everyone: Thanks everyone for reassuring me about turning 28. It made me welcome it with open arms and confidence. 27 was a real fucking waste and felt like someone hit the brakes on my life and de-balled me. But that is all on me and me alone. All I can do is avoid that happening ever the fuck again. Thank you. Got a lot of b-day tweets too which felt good <3]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (March/April 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11026&Focus=353081#Comment_3530812013-05-23T20:56:36-05:002015-03-31T17:09:52-05:00glukkakehttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=1693
@chris delete her. deleteherdeleteherdeleteherdeleteherdeleteherdeleteher. Delete. Her.
Unless she's holding your kitty hostage in exchange for keeping her around, there is no need to deal with ...
Unless she's holding your kitty hostage in exchange for keeping her around, there is no need to deal with someone who is toxic and makes your heart hurt. You *are* having drama right now. Because she's around, fucking up your internet feeds. Delete her and you can choose to give her an explanation or not (because she's blocked and you can't hear her). That's the joy of the internet, you can make people go away with the click of a few buttons. I recently blocked someone who was starting to go crazy on me from accessing my life and have been so happy since. It's a beautiful thing.

I like to think of birthdays as true New Years so I hope you get off to a fresh start <3]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (March/April 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11026&Focus=353082#Comment_3530822013-05-23T21:29:16-05:002013-05-23T22:27:44-05:00chris ghttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=1829
@glukkake - It was your b-day too! We are children of the squid :D Thanks for the advice, I think I will be needing it! Out of sight, out of mind, right? *sigh* she was a hot one too and remembered ...
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (March/April 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11026&Focus=353097#Comment_3530972013-05-24T11:29:09-05:002015-03-31T17:09:52-05:00glukkakehttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=1693
@chris yessir! we are birthday twins. except I'm 1 year older so I won't be hearing any of this "aging" business!
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (March/April 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11026&Focus=353111#Comment_3531112013-05-24T20:10:03-05:002015-03-31T17:09:52-05:00sellmeyoursoulhttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=9518
Um... Happy birthdays? Glu, if it makes you feel any better, 29? Damn you kids and your youth!
Chris & Robin - I wish I had some sage advice for you on the job front. Joblessness sucks and is ...
Chris & Robin - I wish I had some sage advice for you on the job front. Joblessness sucks and is scary and all that crap.

The Good :NEW CAR!!! My '02 Focus was dying and I finally broke down (figuratively) and purchased the car I've been coveting for the last year and a half. It's an '10 Mazda 3. So nice to have a car that doesn't rattle when I drive.

The Not So Good:A couple of hours ago I got an e-mail from that girl in Brooklyn. She's decided the long distance thing isn't going to work. I wish I could say I was surprised, but I'm not. I hadn't actually booked a hotel and I think part of the reason was that I wasn't convinced I'd still need it the middle of June. I'm halfway tempted to go anyway since I have people in the city that I haven't seen in forever (plus a shiny new car in need of a road-trip), but I expect that I won't. I'll take the time off of work and stay home. Perhaps use the money I would have spent on some top shelf beer or something.]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (March/April 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11026&Focus=353116#Comment_3531162013-05-25T02:53:58-05:002013-05-25T02:55:16-05:00Rachæl Tyrellhttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=552
BAD:
I attract sickness. This is probably being made worse with the prednisone I'm on. I was so excited about exercising, and I think that perhaps from overdoing it on the stationary bike (while ...
I attract sickness. This is probably being made worse with the prednisone I'm on. I was so excited about exercising, and I think that perhaps from overdoing it on the stationary bike (while menstrual) and not showering right after, I gave myself a UTI. Well, I gobbled down cranberry and drank water with baking soda, and then my abdomen started burning. So I went to a clinic and got antibiotics, which make me perpetually nauseated to the point that I can't do anything but lay down and be a mess. And I'm out of weed. Boo hoo hoo. I'm nearly done with the antibiotics, but my abdomen is still burning (so I've got a bladder infection?), and i have this recurrent pain in my left side that's been there for a while, and I'm beginning to suspect that I really do have another kidney stone. Going to the gym was really helping my pain levels, and now that I've been all bed ridden again my body is in great pain. So it's been a week of me feeling nauseated and in pain and not knowing what to do with myself. I've been working on photo editing and such, but my right side isn't doing so well and it hurts quite awfully to use my right hand so much.

I'd totally amputate my drawing arm if that meant the pain would stop.

Because of the sickness I missed my pain management doctor appointment on Friday. Which is stupid.

I'm broke and every notion I have to make money ends up falling apart due to sickness. I can't live like this. My apartment is infested with cockroaches no matter what I try, and it smells of dead mouse. It's filthy, and I can't keep up with the cleaning. I need to live somewhere hygenic. I'm sure it's worsening my health, but I'm too poor to move. I've had less than $30 in my bank account for weeks. I have all these ideas of art projects and money making schemes, but every time, my health just goes KABLOOIE and reminds me how physically unreliable I am.

Also, I've been getting crazy emails from my crazy aunt who has unidentified psych issues. She's a scientist, or was, until she had a series of delusional relationships with coworkers. Now she's a substitute teacher. She thinks she's being targeted by the "cyberbullying network" largely because her car mechanic told her so. She thinks they are spreading lies about her being "a threat to immigrants", whatever that means. I've found this interesting as of late, because the newest notion that the doctors have about me is that I've got a genetic "mitochondrial disorder". It can effect ANY part of the body and make it go wonky, and it changes from person to person within the same family line. It can affect the brain sometimes causing aspergic behavior, paranoid delusions, and is comorbid with schizophrenia, which also runs in that side of the family. What really worries me that is that since I was a child, my mother and her other sister would often talk about how much I reminded them of this crazy aunt, how I was just like her and her weird ways. Great.

GOOD:

I'm finally getting some genetic testing done. It's only via blood, so I'm not sure if they are testing me for mitochondrial disorders just yet (i think they need tissue for that?), but at least they are looking for SOMETHING genetic, which is on the right track, I think.

My fellow is awesome. He paid my phone bill for me AGAIN this month, and brings me non dairy foods for my nausea. He thinks my non-shaved legs are sexy and doesn't mind when I have face stubble, which is just... I'm a terribly lucky girl.

I was a guest on WFMU and I had lots of fun and I didn't swear!

I've been using my crock pot! Yummmmm! I've been looking up paleo style recipes and oh MAN, is meat GREAT!

Y'ALL:

Glukkake: good advice! and happy birthday!Chris g: and happy birthday to you, too! Listen to Glu! She is smart!Roadscum: thank you!oldhat: hoorya for horrible things crossed off the list of possible ailments!]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (March/April 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11026&Focus=353119#Comment_3531192013-05-25T08:54:43-05:002015-03-31T17:09:52-05:00Rootfireemberhttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=1551
Survived my birthday (May 19) I'm now 31. It feels weird.
I'm loving my 2nd job and learning so much from it. It makes such a difference having a job where I feel surrounded by good people doing ...
I'm loving my 2nd job and learning so much from it. It makes such a difference having a job where I feel surrounded by good people doing GOOD things, trying to make the world a better place. Also: they have chocolate. Fancy, nummy chocolates. Slowing down on the talk therapy. I never felt it did much for me; and my therapist agrees group stuff is better for me and there's not much she can do while I've got all the external family stress. All the kittens I was working with got homes.

On the lower side of things, my mind often goes dark and hopeless in the evenings, and I feel terribly' terribly lonely and like such a failure. I really hate having to rely on my family. And I hate the fact that they would threaten me with homelessness on a lark, and not understand how much that would hurt me. I know I'm severly depressed, but there's not much to do about it other than hunker down and take it day by day.I feel I should be used to it by now.

To all:Who else is a may 19 person??]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (March/April 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11026&Focus=353124#Comment_3531242013-05-25T14:16:15-05:002015-03-31T17:09:52-05:00roadscumhttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=7712
Oh fuck i can't do this, i'm too bloody tired, too many early starts and late finishes, too much arsing about on the computer when i do eventually get home. All entirely my own choice. Sanity has ...
Did i mention my computer is hacked? Local script kiddies have somehow got into it and have, amongst other things, been reading my e-mail. I know this because i overheard the little mites discussing it and reading out the contents of my inbox. The little scamps have been up to other mischief too. I am not particularly happy about this. If they've got into anything important they haven't done anything with it yet, and the thought of someone rummaging through my private stuff is mildly annoying, though probably more disturbing for them than me. The biggest irritation is the effort i'm going to have to put into finding out exactly what they've been up to and putting it right. I really could have done without this right now, there are better things i could be doing. Not the end of the world though and no one's dead, nothing's on fire.

I have better things to do. Too much work means There Will Be Money! This is good. Especially if the weather is nice next week. I may head out west for a couple of days and enjoy a bit of scenery - pub B&B and some National Trust Trust gardens; trees, flowers and the last of the bluebells if i'm lucky. Take the camera and hunt down some rogue architecture, bag a few follies. Rock and roll! Rock and bleedin' roll!

And on to why i came here in the first place - Roo, kiddo (31 is still kiddo territory in my books), i feel for you, i really do. I've had the dark and hopeless, i've been within a spit of sleeping on a bit of cardboard in a shop doorway, i've been there meself and it very nearly did for me. While you're hunkering down and struggling through, keep yourself warm with this one little thought: it didn't - i am still breathing and truth be told, things are pretty good for me these days. I am not a particularly strong or capable person, from what little i know you seem to be sounder than i was back then. You can get through it and things will turn around. Keep plodding on Roo - one kitten at a time, you'll get there in the end.

I really want to go on, there's more i'd like to say, but i am struggling to stay awake and there is more work tomorrow - the rest of you will have to make do with my best wishes and hopes that it turns around for you too.

G'night.]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (March/April 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11026&Focus=353129#Comment_3531292013-05-25T20:49:32-05:002013-05-25T21:18:16-05:00Argoshttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=7792
@Roo: ((hugs)) That's such shit about your family, I'm sorry to hear that.
@Rachael: FYI for any future UTIs, check out D-mannose. It's kind of pricey, so I realize it may be a difficult option ...
@Rachael: FYI for any future UTIs, check out D-mannose. It's kind of pricey, so I realize it may be a difficult option for you, but I vastly prefer it to antibiotics. I used to be super UTI prone, I once had like 6 infections within 3 months or something crazy. Antibiotics, without a doubt, always give me a yeast infection after. D-mannose is a sugar that doesn't get metabolized by the body (actually, a very small amount does but it's not much), so it all ends up in your bladder, and it gets rid of e. coli by sticking to it (which means the e. coli can't stick to your bladder), and you end up peeing it all out over the course of a few days. The last time i got a UTI my symptoms were gone by 24hrs of guzzling d-mannose, I kept taking it for the week and it was totally cleared after that, with no side effects for me (though I hear some people get headaches). Something to think about if you're prone to these things and don't want to always rely on antibiotics.

@Glu, Chris, Roo: Birthdays: Happy Birthday!!

BAD:

I had a stupid mental breakdown the other day. The kind where you understandably get annoyed over something but then overreact and flip out over it, then you feel guilty later for flipping out over it, then feel angry again about feeling guilty because DAMMIT you're entitled to feel your feelings and there are reasons those feelings were triggered, but then feel guilty again for overreacting and you know nothing malicious was meant by it but sometimes you can't help your emotions, but if only that person had been more sensitive towards you to begin with because this has been brought up before....

I'm feeling better now but am now annoyed with myself that that volleying of anger & guilt happened at all. I'm not going to talk about what triggered it bc I feel that will only give life to it, right now I just want to vent about the fact that the emotional ordeal happened. I'm still going through a bit of the "angry/guilty about being angry" cycle but it's small enough now that it doesn't consume me. I don't get like this often, but I hate it when it does happen because I always end up beating myself up over it because I don't want to be that person (which luckily on the whole I'm not. Edgar once dated a girl who got super angry at him because he gave her "the ugly cupcake," so uh...at least I didn't have a breakdown over a cupcake (I'll stop trying to justify myself now)).

Also our car keeps overheating so it needs to go to the shop, and we don't have much money right now since I'm still job hunting, so this is gonna suck financially.

GOOD: I started drawing, sort of. I decided that, in an effort to learn to draw, I will draw one thing a day. So far it's been every other day but hey, that's still an improvement. I've drawn two different tea cups, a stack of cds, and a d8 from a couple different angles. Starting off small so I don't overwhelm myself from the start and burn out. My shading is awful and my tea cups look super weird and flat as a result. The d8s look alright.

I started working out again. Slightly inflamed a foot tendon jump roping but nothing horrible, I'm still able to do other exercises while I wait for that to heal.

My eating habits have also gotten better. More protein, less carbs, way less simple carbs. I'm not trying to go low carb so much as discontinue over-consuming carbs. This means I've been using more leafy greens to fill in the gaps in my meals.]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (March/April 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11026&Focus=353130#Comment_3531302013-05-25T21:54:55-05:002015-03-31T17:09:52-05:00Rachæl Tyrellhttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=552
@Argos - yeah, I was actually JUST recommended that by my fellow's roommate just two days ago. Odd that i'd never heard of it before! The problem is, yes, it IS pricey. I might look into it and see ...
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (March/April 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11026&Focus=353131#Comment_3531312013-05-25T23:17:45-05:002015-03-31T17:09:52-05:00Fishellehttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=8854
@Argos
When I took my first drawing class, we weren't allowed to shade anything for the first half of the semester, do we would learn how to draw lines right, and not cover them up with shading. ...
When I took my first drawing class, we weren't allowed to shade anything for the first half of the semester, do we would learn how to draw lines right, and not cover them up with shading. Maybe simplifying it in that way for a bit will help.]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (March/April 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11026&Focus=353132#Comment_3531322013-05-26T00:50:39-05:002015-03-31T17:09:52-05:00Rachæl Tyrellhttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=552
@Argos - I'm with Fishelle. Don't shade. Get the rendering down. Not every artist is a shading person, too. Some people interpret things in higher contrast. I suggest, if you want to practice ...
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (March/April 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11026&Focus=353140#Comment_3531402013-05-26T09:03:57-05:002015-03-31T17:09:52-05:00dorkmuffinhttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=6719
@Argos, while lines are helpful, value studies also HAVE VALUE (nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk!).
I would say definitely stick to the lines for now, but for yuks every so often, I think it's really valuable ...
I would say definitely stick to the lines for now, but for yuks every so often, I think it's really valuable to try and do shading studies in such a way that you don't draw ANY lines. It helps you figure out volume in a way that lines can't. In a lot of my beginning drawing classes we had to do shading studies (no lines!). It also helped a lot to try and make a value reference scale where you shade 10 different shades before you draw.

Like so:

Maybe start with five and build up to ten.]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (March/April 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11026&Focus=353144#Comment_3531442013-05-26T10:47:04-05:002015-03-31T17:09:52-05:00Argoshttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=7792
Thanks for the tips! So far the only square things I've drawn were the dice, the tea cups I just didn't know how to make look 3 dimensional without shading but they ended up looking weird and flat ...
I think what I'll do now is to separate the two and mostly draw just some lines for now, and occasionally do some line-free shading studies. Or I might just start the shading later, we'll see.

@Rachael - um, no idea about biking while menstrual, but it's a good hypothesis. I've only ever gotten UTIs after sex, so any friction down there can definitely send nasty stuff upstream and lead to an infection.]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (March/April 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11026&Focus=353164#Comment_3531642013-05-27T03:51:53-05:002015-03-31T17:09:52-05:00Bombus Hortorushttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=2485
Been quite a volatile few weeks. Moods have really up and down I've written a few, postings that I've never finished and most of them are pretty apocalyptic sounding. So probably a good job they ...
Am still pretty irritable - although not so much as I was. There's been a fair amount of frustration though.House is still falling to bits. We've had no washing machine for two weeks,no cold tap in the bath for months, no shower for two years, and our mattress has won out so I'm waking up in pain every night with springs digging into me and what I think is sciatica on my right side. We can't seem to agree on how and when to fix these things which is really getting to me. The car, which I've just paid a fortune to fix is spewing coolant again so will probably have to go back to the garage. There are rats in our garage too. They've eaten a carrier bag full of oil paint and god knows what else that we just haven't found yet. They will have to be dealt with somehow.

Also have not been out taking pictures or making music for way too long.Again this is getting to me a lot.

GoodGot a respectable bonus at work. which makes a bit of a dent in my credit card bill. And allowed me to buy a tablet and budget for some of the house repairs. got a long way to go, but at least that's a start. Have spent the weekend at my parents house in the cotswolds, with my sister as well, which has been really nice. And I finally managed to drag myself out of bed early this morning for a walk up Cam Peak, the hill near their house. Think I'm starting to lose weight again, been pretty strict. Taking a tablet and not a heavy laptop is making me walk between the station and the office rather than get the bus so I'm feeling more energised than I have done for a long time. So that's all good.

Also finally made some progress in the garden. Got some stuff planted and working on some ideas to sort the whole painful mess out properly. Goin to my parents' house always gives me very bad garden envyas my mum is a fantastic gardener and her place is absolutely beautiful.

Applause

@0ldhat good luck with the garden, it's kind of good when things start to grow. And hope that the medical mysteries get solved soon.

@ Roadscum hope you manage to get out and about. The bluebells are very late this year and mine are only just appearing. Also good luck in getting your pc sorted out.

@Rachael, fishelle, dorkmuffin, Argos...thanks for the drawing tips, am trying to teach myself again too, seem to have all the art materials in the world but never use them]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (March/April 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11026&Focus=353220#Comment_3532202013-05-28T21:12:52-05:002015-03-31T17:09:52-05:00Fishellehttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=8854
@Argos
Teacups were an ambitious thing to try and draw. Ellipses are hard to get right, especially if you don't have someone to instruct you.
My professor that I took most of my drawing classes ...
Teacups were an ambitious thing to try and draw. Ellipses are hard to get right, especially if you don't have someone to instruct you.My professor that I took most of my drawing classes from pointed out 3 major things he'd seen the most as far as problems with ellipses go.

The first was the "pickle syndrome" where lines are wobbly and wonky, so it messes up everything even if the shape is right. This appears in most lines, regardless of shape, to varying degrees. When people say they "can't even draw a straight line," when I say I'm an artist, I have to laugh a bit because frankly neither can I a lot of the time. And there are no rulers for ellipses. It just takes practice, figuring out how to hold your tools so the marks can be done quickly and accurately.

The second is what he called "football syndrome." This is where the ellipse is too pointed at the sides, resembling the shape of a football rather than a circle at an angle.

Third is the "taco syndrome" and that's where an understanding of perspective is important. In a taco-y ellipse the back part is bigger than the front. If you were to draw a horizontal line through the middle of the ellipse and measure, it should be the other way around. The part of the ellipse that is closer to you will be slightly bigger because it is closer to your eyes. It is the same with all things.

Lots of people, when drawing ellipses, choose to draw sort of boxes around them that are later erased for measuring. It can be easier to see how perspective works with a cube first, with the cylinder put in as a replacement later.

Don't get discouraged. These are things that every artist struggles with, even those of us with more experience.

And yes, value exercises are important, but don't feel like you have to do everything all at once. Try to keep it simple while you learn. Draw an egg and a black ball with value and see if you can make that work before trying to make a photorealistic drawing of a person or a plant or a tea set anything else.]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (March/April 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11026&Focus=353221#Comment_3532212013-05-28T21:22:48-05:002015-03-31T17:09:52-05:00Argoshttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=7792
@Fishelle - haha, yeah I learned quickly that the tea cups were ambitious. I definitely had both the pickle and football syndromes with the tea cups, and with the first tea cup, which was basically a ...
Today I drew a pear, which came out okay. The outline came out pretty accurate but I wasn't able to make it look like it was leaning away from me, which it was in real life, so instead it came out looking like a differently shaped pear. I didn't draw a shadow for it though so I guess that might have done it. It *did* look like a decent pear, though, even if it didn't look exactly like my model pear.

I've also been doing blind contour exercises, which has given me some pretty hilarious results. I was scared to do them at first and was so amused when I finally did that I started blind contour drawing everything.]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (March/April 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11026&Focus=353378#Comment_3533782013-06-03T02:36:35-05:002013-06-03T22:33:17-05:00Vornaskottihttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=6665
\o/
I'm probably more annoying to talk at than usually, because everything's going insanely great, and I can't stop gushing about it. This is some of the good stuff:
The probationary period at ...
\o/

I'm probably more annoying to talk at than usually, because everything's going insanely great, and I can't stop gushing about it. This is some of the good stuff:

The probationary period at work ended, so I can't be fired anymore in a moment's notice, plus I got very good reviews of the work I had done. So that's one thing off the stress list. I may actually fucking know where I'll be working a year or even - gasp - two years from now.

The novel is getting ready to be published next September/October and it's already up in the publisher's summer catalog. The last content edit was sent out and now there's some language polish to do. Heli did an insanely cool and appropriate cover for the book. This week and last night I got the idea for the next novel, which I'll start drafting as soon as I can.

I've had extremely great time in the dive school. Last week there was an algae field taxonomy course, which saw us diving in foggy stormy seas doing science - adventurey and fun, and extremely informative and illuminating. Nothing quite like taking samples underwater while a wind storm rips loose the anchor of your dive ship above you. The day job seems to be okay with the school also, which is an ginormous weight off of my back.

The everyday life with Heli is incredibly fun and rewarding. Neither of us can stay still for too long. Our evenings end up being urban adventures, such as hunting geocaches which require you to dangle under a bridge, sneaking into metro construction yards, going to fish in the shores of the island I live in, doing dumpster diving and selling stuff on a flea market spot that has netted almost 300 euros in two weeks, meeting pals, doing art, throwing barbecues, wall climbing indoors and outdoors... or just geeking with TV-series and games. This week I'll take her to do an intro dive, and in the weekend we'll go try horseback riding on a friends' friends' horse. I haven't dared to even hope for an everyday life like this, but there I have it. <3

/o\

The money situation is looking up, which doesn't mean it looks good. I'll be having a couple of more really lean months, until I'll actually start accumulating something else than debt. I'm facing an 1000+€ bill from the dive school come July, and I still don't have all of it together, and it looks like I won't. This means I'll have to borrow some money again from pals, which stings since I've worked my ass to be able to repay those debts. Luckily most of our adventures are totally free or at least really cheap.

My weight loss has plateaued and rebounded a bit. This really annoys me. I'm now three kilos behind of the plan. Sigh.

o/

@Rachæl: Boo at the sickness :(@Oldhat: Boo at the work situation and phew about the cancer stuff being cleared :(@Chris: What glukkake said - bail out, bail out!

@everybody else: Damn, you people are awesome and going strong.]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (March/April 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11026&Focus=353593#Comment_3535932013-06-07T16:38:17-05:002015-03-31T17:09:52-05:00Peter Kellyhttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=3000
up
I am in an incredible good place right now.
With 60 hours or so to go in my indiegogo campaign, I've reach our goal. Which means the next 2-3 weeks I'll be spending building a spaceship! How ...
I am in an incredible good place right now. With 60 hours or so to go in my indiegogo campaign, I've reach our goal. Which means the next 2-3 weeks I'll be spending building a spaceship! How fucked up is that?Finishing work on the scripted comedy I've been editing. and it's solid. Its got lots of solid laughs and the producer is a guy who knows exactly what he had (his goals are ambitious, but realistic) and I want to work for him again.

downMoney is tight. tax return was delayed cause I owe some stuff from 2011, which turned out to be mostly me not filing a piece of paper saying I owed nothing AND the government losing track of the payment I made when I did owe money. hoping the 2012 return comes in before my property tax is due.

@grease - appreciate the offer to help me build the ship. Right now I think it is covered, but if I need a hand, i'll be in touch. (really do appreciate it, just don't want you wasting your time as I already have 3 of us on this)@Vorn - Glad to see things are going so well. Not annoying at all at this end, great to read that some one's life seems to be going to well. (money is an issue, yes, but fuck it right? It's a made up thing anyway)]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (March/April 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11026&Focus=353595#Comment_3535952013-06-07T17:05:50-05:002015-03-31T17:09:52-05:00Greasemonkeyhttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=4625
Cheers mate, I'll be glad to help out if you need any extra labour.
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (March/April 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11026&Focus=353596#Comment_3535962013-06-07T18:09:17-05:002015-03-31T17:09:52-05:00razrangelhttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=2075
down-
I feel beat up. Flat. flabby. Absolutely nothing is going on and I'm not working on a damned thing. And that's probably why. I've slipped back into recumbence just waiting for motivation ...
I feel beat up. Flat. flabby. Absolutely nothing is going on and I'm not working on a damned thing. And that's probably why. I've slipped back into recumbence just waiting for motivation to appear. I'm not good at cultivating it, but I had a little bit just a month ago. I was doing hot two weeks ago, working, exercising, eating (mostly) well. *sigh*

I don't know why I undermine myself, but it's as reliable as the sunrise. Just... I hate it. Kind of. I hate it with all the energy and verve of honey dripping out of a nearly empty bottle. I have no energy whatsoever. There was stuff I wanted to do. I guess? It's like a memory of a story I heard one time. "Oh yeah that" I think when I recall my hopes and dreams. I don't like that time is passing. I am keenly aware that I won't always have the opportunities I have now. Financial and other resources may become even more dire. I won't have a free membership to a gym. I won't have a new computer and big ole room to myself with Internet that I don't pay for... Some day my health will be irrevocably worse. Now is the best time for getting shit done.

But all I can seem to pull off is laying around, sighing long and dialing up another show to watch on teh Hulu or some such.

up-Just when I was primed for thinking that anything I've been has come to naught, that nothing matters and I have to start all over again from zero on all fronts, a temp agency reminds me that they still have me on for writing and proofing in two languages (but only bilingual work, they won't call me for English only *Sigh*), a director friend is poking around for her next project and has me on her list of peeps to call to Make Shit Happen, and finally a few days ago a friend - someone who I wouldn't say I'm close to but who has been around for ages - struck up a facebook conversation with me about another friend she thought would work well with me.

It comes to ground I've laid, work I've done, conversations I've had. I'm not just coming into this world and being overwhelmed by everything; I've been around for a while and people have noticed. So... even if it doesn't work out the way I want (I don't really want those bilingual proofreading gigs, stage managing has become not worth the time and the FoF is already in a relationship (and heaven knows if we're really even compatible)) I don't have to start from zero. Just push, evolve, work on stuff so what people take from what I've done is really what I want them to see.

God there's so much to do and I don't know where to start.

Applause:@Vorn - so happy to see things are looking up. I remember a little while ago everything felt awfully shitty and scary to boot. Glad the relationship is happy thing for you. Everything else looks so hopeful it's stupid. }:> IT's a good place to be.@Peter - same happy good congrats. Plus, space ship. !!!!!

Hm. New NIN]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (March/April 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11026&Focus=353599#Comment_3535992013-06-08T03:36:04-05:002015-03-31T17:09:52-05:00fleckyhttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=8949
@razrangel: I hope your normal enthusiasm will return soon, and some motivation will come your way. Hang in there!
JINXED-TA-FUCK:
I just lost another post, which is a bastard as a managed to ...
JINXED-TA-FUCK:

I just lost another post, which is a bastard as a managed to splurge-out some some stuff I could have done with a wee bit of support on. Still, as Warped Savant said a while back, maybe I just needed to hammer-it-out for my own benefit. Still frustrating, but there's no point getting super pissed-off about it.

Basically, I'm trying to be a nice-guy with the people around me, when in fact I'm just an egotistical, overly sensitive, ex-junkie who got clean from from a life of sickness-and-horror only to discover I'm a serial killer. I went to a SMART meeting the other day, and I told 'em all. I don't give a fuck about them. I only care about the way I feel. I'm a sociopath.

Whilst all that is not totally true, it's true that I told 'em. And it felt good!]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (March/April 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11026&Focus=353602#Comment_3536022013-06-08T06:46:48-05:002015-03-31T17:09:52-05:00mister hexhttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=4411
INDEED!
So Mah Ladyfriend got back from Turkey alright. She had a lovely time, got me a couple of prezzies, met a new best friend from a Colombian university, saw some sights and left well before ...
So Mah Ladyfriend got back from Turkey alright. She had a lovely time, got me a couple of prezzies, met a new best friend from a Colombian university, saw some sights and left well before the country descended into rioting. (All the people who tried to assuage my fears? MY FEARS WERE ENTIRELY JUSTIFIED.) Now she's in Victoria, BC, where rioting seldom happens but they have deep-fried pickles so that's alright. She comes home tomorrow. (SHE travels. She keeps threatening to make ME travel. We'll see.)

Writing is going at a pace that's ... interesting. It's stop and go and then GOGOGO! Some good stuff. I'd forgotten how I could impress myself.

I feel sexy. Dunno why. I just look at myself as I pass a mirror and think "Not bad at all." I did that thing where I walk down the street and women look at me as if I were covered in bacon. One teenage girl's eyes went wide as dinner plates when she saw me.

Drinking less. That's good, right?

BUGGERATION!

Work. Fucking. Sucks. Seriously, I need a new job.

Broke as a joke. (See above.)

Fucking weather in this goddamn country is SHIT. Summer has been cancelled, due to austerity programmes.

My dad and I fight and then make up and then fight again. I can see why my mom used to fight with him. (He's an asshole and so am I.) I miss my mom so much, it's like a solid object. Went to the cemetery and it was like running head-first into a brick wall of sadness.

AND NOW -

@peter - Yay! Let me know if you need anything! Yay! Hoorray for Peter Kelly! @flecky - I've long suspected that EVERYONE IS A SOCIOPATH so that's alright. Keep going, chum. @vorn - Good on ya!@razr - nice to hear! @everyone - You make me smile. Never stop.]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (March/April 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11026&Focus=353605#Comment_3536052013-06-08T07:47:59-05:002015-03-31T17:09:52-05:00Vornaskottihttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=6665
@razrangel & @Peter Kelly
Thank you :) Yeah, 2011 and 2012... were not good years. This is quite the rebalancing and extremely rewarding because there's an actual illusion of hard work, self ...
Thank you :) Yeah, 2011 and 2012... were not good years. This is quite the rebalancing and extremely rewarding because there's an actual illusion of hard work, self improvement and persistence actually making some sort of difference - of course with the help of lady luck. God helps those etc. Grateful for every minute :)]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (March/April 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11026&Focus=353609#Comment_3536092013-06-08T10:59:45-05:002015-03-31T17:09:52-05:00Littlepurplegothhttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=10699
@PeterKelly - is this the same space ship that Ms Davies is connected with? if so... small world! (but this *whitechapel* so maybe I should not be suprised by that!) I'd rather like an intro though.. ...
@everyone... I'm breaking rules and not doing a good, bad, yay, meh... because I wrote a whole one out, lost it to the ether and... feel much better and realise that I don't need to after all.

[running away now, won't do this again... I'd promise not to misbehave, but, um... I'd have to stop a) being me and b) breathing... ]]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (March/April 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11026&Focus=353615#Comment_3536152013-06-08T16:38:32-05:002015-03-31T17:09:52-05:00Peter Kellyhttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=3000
@ flecky- hate it when the net eats my post, but love and support for whatever you need. If I haven't been clear before, The " ex-junkie" thing impresses the SHIT OUT OF ME. Can't imagine ...
LittlePurplegoth - no connection to Ms.Davies. but some one else is making a spaceship? TELL ME MORE!!Also, don't run away! Rules smules. (seriously, tell me more of this Ms. Davies and her spaceship)]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (March/April 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11026&Focus=353620#Comment_3536202013-06-08T20:04:54-05:002015-03-31T17:09:52-05:00hankhttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=79
Balls: 2000 miles away from my SO, Roomie entertaining family. Unproductive week at work and side projects. Trying to sort out relocation options to be close to my kid. Prolly have to make a ...
Jangleplatz: Good review at work, nice bump. Will make relocation easier.

Props: @MrHex Do what you like. Working jobs you hate is never a good long term solution.]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (March/April 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11026&Focus=353635#Comment_3536352013-06-09T12:11:44-05:002015-03-31T17:09:52-05:00Bombus Hortorushttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=2485
It's all over now, baby blue
God, I'm a festering ball of self-loathing tonight. An opportunity came up work, one that I've had my eye on for a number of years, and I spent the last two weeks ...
God, I'm a festering ball of self-loathing tonight. An opportunity came up work, one that I've had my eye on for a number of years, and I spent the last two weeks talking myself out of applying for it.

My reasons were elaborate, well thought through, brutal, and kicked the life out of any little spot of ambition that might have been there. I swear I don't know, sometimes what the sodding hell is wrong with me. Spent the weekend gnashing and wailing at myself, being generally obnoxious to the people, I'm supposed to love and cherish, which isn't very good at all.

I did think I might spend some time this weekend making up for it by indulging in my long neglected creative pursuits, but that wasn't going to happen because, as usual, everything is screwed up and doesn't work. Plus the wireless connection to the study is borked, because the router has decided that it will not reach down the garden anymore, even though it's been doing perfectly well for the last three years. Just inexplicable. The only way to solve it would appear to be 100m of external cat 5 cable. Also been cleaning mould off the surfaces with dettol. And there are fucking mushrooms growing out of the noticeboard I bought last year.

The problem is, I think, that I've found that all of the things that made me happy, or gave me a sense of fulfillment (music, photography, hell, a social life with real life people), have been pushed aside as I've gained the responsibility of having kids. Literally, relegated to a moulding, collapsing shed because there's no room in the house. And I've started to resent this. There doesn't seem to be any compensation in the form of a career that's going places, or wealth, or hollow materialistic things, or a sodding great drug habit, or mistresses in every port. My partner can't understand - to her, I ought to just be hugely grateful that I have a large family and I shouldn't want anything more... doesn't work like that. Oh, it's a fucking great mess.

And fuck, Iain Banks is dead. Incredibly sad.

It's alright Ma, I'm only bleeding

I'm fairly resilient, I suppose. Maybe this is the wake up call that kicks me out of the massive spiral of self-doubt and apathy that allows me to trundle along in second gear all the time. I'm fucking forty in three months' time and I can't afford to have all my energy directed into flailing uselessly in all directions without any kind of coherence. I'm trying to mend fences with my partner and accept my circumstances a bit more.

So far, I have a nice array of vegetables growing, plus a tray of lupins, crysanthemums, penstemons and hollyhocks, although the bastard foxes have been messing stuff up and what the foxes don't get the slugs do.

Look out kid, something you did...

@Razrangel - yeah, a lot of that resonates. @Vorn - you are an inspiration... I'm kind of in awe of the stuff you're doing@hex - yeah, what the fuck is it with the weather? it's weird as hell here too... @ peter kelly - spaceship. Cool@ littlepurplegoth - if I misbehaved more often I'd probably be happier. keep on going...]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (March/April 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11026&Focus=353648#Comment_3536482013-06-09T16:11:05-05:002015-03-31T17:09:52-05:00Littlepurplegothhttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=10699
@peterkelly I'm am merely aquainted with her via friends of friends... but the spaceship is art intended for burningman best way to show I know is via http://t.co/au/OOhCczxE
I have misbehaved ...
I have misbehaved too much this week. I went a bit far and had to (I decided I had to, only myself compelling me!) apologise as publicly as I was a dick... hence I must behave. I expect to be utterly bad again by next weekend though.

Now I must away and write/scribe/craft things that are refusing to shut up and let me go to sleep. They won't annoyingly earn me anything (this is getting tedious) but earning always seems to go hand in hand with a f--- it attitude and stepping out of my small spaces and I've not had the confidence for that of late so .]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (March/April 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11026&Focus=353668#Comment_3536682013-06-10T05:32:33-05:002015-03-31T17:09:52-05:00texturehttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=1472
Proper gutted about Iain Banks.
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (March/April 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11026&Focus=353670#Comment_3536702013-06-10T06:07:31-05:002013-06-10T06:08:04-05:00Kay Orchisonhttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=10078
Yeah me too. He was the best of the best. Up there with Douglas Adams in the list of People I Wish I'd Met. He's got like 3 shelves in my house.
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (March/April 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11026&Focus=353675#Comment_3536752013-06-10T08:00:51-05:002015-03-31T17:09:52-05:00fleckyhttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=8949
Yes, that is gutting about Iain Banks. He was a top-notch author. Respect.
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (March/April 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11026&Focus=353710#Comment_3537102013-06-11T00:08:07-05:002013-06-11T00:19:32-05:00oldhathttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=75
There's the base! We're saved!
- Getting more photo work. Will be going in to meetings over doing an album cover soon. Also have a couple of artists I'll be hearing from who need some promo shots ...
There's the base! We're saved!

- Getting more photo work. Will be going in to meetings over doing an album cover soon. Also have a couple of artists I'll be hearing from who need some promo shots done.

- Copy editing work is happening bit by bit. Helping put together a client's site and writing press releases.

- Getting out my books and studying for Level 1 Cicerone certification. Hopefully by end of July I'll be taking the test and can put that on my resume.

- Did a radio interview last week where I talked about drinking beer at room temperature and the basics off food pairing. I could have gone on longer (and hearing the host's solo talk on beer I should have), but it was a lot of fun!

- Vegetables and hops are growing well. Hopefully in a week I will have radishes.

- I made strawberry jam! It's delicious!

- An international newspaper company is looking at my web site and figuring out if they need a beer writer for their many papers.

- I'm liking being able to take some "me" time. I feel like I've been reconnecting with a person who I lost a while ago. And she's pretty fucking awesome in her own weird kind of way.

Oh No! NINJAS BLOCK THE PATH!

- Thirsty Wench is getting frustrating. I mean...I'm glad in one sense that when it comes to the local beer media, I'm one of two independent blogs that gets invited (everyone else is for an established news paper/web site), but MAN, having to remind breweries to put me on their press list and constantly asking for samples is wearing thin on me and making me feel kind of unappreciated. Doesn't help that I've been feeling stuck on ideas. Just...ah, working it out, I guess.

- Weight still bugging me, but a bit less since I'm running every day and watching what I eat.

- Not sure if I'm heading to NYC on Wednesday or not due to my mom being ill. And even then, not sure if I'll have much time to see the people I want to see (though there is the possibility of not going home with my folks and taking a train back a week later). I dunno. I miss NYC.

- Am pushing away a lot of friends so I can focus on my own shit. On one hand it's good for me, on the other hand I don't like the thought of hurting people that care about me because I'm being weird and introverted.

- Still no full time job. But the way things are going, maybe freelance is working after all...? The decision on what to focus on is killing me. In short I don't want to be living with my parents by this time next year.

- I have a stalker. I knew him back in primary school, we reconnected around 1999 but then I found out that he was one of those "white power" assholes and I cut off all ties. Recently he contacted me (called my dad at home, used a fake name and my dad, thinking he was a friend I didn't talk about, obliged with my number) explaining that he is getting over a heavy opiate addiction, currently looking for work and has let Jesus Christ in to his heart. I wished him luck...and then he wouldn't stop e-mailing me these weird, insane rants (One being a very very long one about how his roommate wasn't a follower of the message of Christ and was evil). And for a while he left me alone...and now he's back. He just sent me an e-mail on my Thirsty Wench account saying that he found my site and responding to some of the posts.I'm pretty creeped out. Have locked down my personal twitter account and am being a bit cagey on the TW one. He is, thankfully, a stalker that means no harm (I've dealt with one that did and it's kind of a relief) but I'm still creeped out and worried that, if I anger or upset him, this fucker knows where I live and has my contact info. However, I should be able to put an end to it with a physical confrontation, I just don't want it to escalate to that.

Blah.

And then there was tea:

@flecky, You and your keychain are mighty. Keep at things you glorious monster you. :)@JP, I really wish I knew what to say that could make you feel better, but all I can really say is that I think you're a fucking awesome person. @Hex, I know what it's like with the constant fighting with the dad...make me tell you about my old man one of these days. We have some bitter fucking fights.]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (March/April 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11026&Focus=353713#Comment_3537132013-06-11T01:22:25-05:002013-06-11T08:53:19-05:00fleckyhttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=8949
@ Kay Orchison: I never got to thank you for some sterling advice you gave me last year. It was about suicidal self-loathing, kicking demons in the balls - that sort-of thing. I've had a LOT of ...
@mister hex: Yes, my son; SOCIOPATHS INCORPORATED is what we are. Lesser mortals tremble at the shit we plan from our Sanctum Foul. Making 'em flinch is our reason for getting outta bed. I'm so evil that today I plan to put two sugars instead of one in someone's coffee. And when they groan I will feel nothing. NOTHING!Hope your good, mate.@oldhat: You got some good stuff going on there. Best of luck with that stalker-bloke, but I know you will be alright.@JP: I agree with oldhat; your a blinding geezer.]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (March/April 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11026&Focus=353714#Comment_3537142013-06-11T01:27:27-05:002015-03-31T17:09:52-05:00Kay Orchisonhttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=10078
@Flecky - so fucking glad I was of some use. Actual tears mate. Real ones. Keep rocking on.
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (March/April 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11026&Focus=353722#Comment_3537222013-06-11T09:16:24-05:002015-03-31T17:09:52-05:00allanahttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=4019
I would pay good money to see a Flecky/Mister Hex buddy movie.
Congrats, fleck, let's see some triumphant keychain-hoisting selfies!
Me, oh, I'm okay. Canadian sunburn from a mere half-hour next ...
Congrats, fleck, let's see some triumphant keychain-hoisting selfies!

Me, oh, I'm okay. Canadian sunburn from a mere half-hour next to my hotel pool yesterday. Then I went on a four-hour walk and saw almost all of San Diego (and hit some thrift stores and bought some cigarettes and generally fucked around). I'm struggling with the disappointment that this conference is totally useless to me and that the people who gave me awards seem like those cheesy corporate philanthropist types that do it for the media spectacle and expect you to parrot on about how thankful you are and what a great opportunity this is and how they've made all your dreams come true. Don't get me wrong, I'm thankful as fuck that people make scholarships for me to apply for (and even MORE fuck-thankful that they seem impressed by the ten minutes I put in to inDesign for my application) -- it's just that they gave me a corsage. A fucking corsage. I literally said "Is this my prom" followed quickly by "Did you give last year's winner [a male] a tiara?!" It was gross. Beyond even the gender-profiling (anyone who knows me knows I am not a fucking corsage person) I had walked into the room prepared to talk about my ideas and my plans for the future. Instead they relegated me to the smile-and-pose for an hour and then nodded vacantly when I excused myself early (they were busy working business deals). It was just uncomfortable, and I'm extra exhausted and cranky from it. Besides all that this conference thing really isn't my bag. If there were some cool arts/media talks I would probably be all "My people!" but for the most part I've just felt out of place. One speaker (former digital archivist for Disney) basically embodied the spirits: she was shocked and surprised that cool jobs with neat intellectual problems and technological innovations existed, whereas I've been writing about it since my application to grad school. I'm just wasting my time here.

Thus, surfing.

(Also, Bill and Argos took really good care of me in my first few days here. I feel super blessed that WC exists.)

JP: As I'm sure you're aware, posting personal stuff on WC means that a whole host of anonymous people get to see your problems evolve over time. (Even moreso if you only post when things are bad.) So I hope I'm not super out-of-line in saying: isn't it time you stopped this shit? I mean, leaving a partner with a squabble of kids isn't an easy choice, but I'm not going to pretend I actually give a fuck about family harmony when you say you feel so downtrodden. Especially since I really do enjoy your photography and writing, and I think you have potential that is being squandered, above and beyond its emotional benefits when you practice it. In a word: this is retarded. If you're not a breadwinner and trying to be a breadwinner makes you want to die, you gotta quit the race.]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (March/April 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11026&Focus=353729#Comment_3537292013-06-11T12:44:57-05:002015-03-31T17:09:52-05:00Bombus Hortorushttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=2485
@Allana, no, not super out of line at all... maybe I was a bit melodramatic with that post than I intended to be, but it was more about the moment of clarity about why I'd been building up such a ...
Really, I love my daughters to bits, I couldn't bear being parted from them, walking out would give me way more problems than it could solve and hurt people who really don't deserve it, but there's a hell of a lot of work to do to reconcile where I am with where I thought I'd be. The ranty part of me that didn't want to stop partying and grow up needs to start making peace and playing nicely with the part of me that's providing for six people... but also needs a bit of space itself.

The shit I absolutely need to stop is the useless flailing, pointless anger and instead try and get all the balances right, and yes, "this is retarded" was a big part of my blowout.

Don't want it to sound, either, that I'm blaming anyone but me, because my hang ups are my hang ups, I grew them myself and made them the monsters that they are today. And I'm not ungrateful for the life I've got, I know that by most measures I'm highly fortunate and never let myself forget that - it just wasn't the one I anticipated, and not one that I considered myself particularly mentally suitable for.

Part of the fix might be trying to find an escape route from the rat race, but I'm not sure how.

Maybe there's some sort of manual, "family life and extreme commuting for hard-driven introverts"?

As for personal over disclosure, god, there's a hell of a lot I wouldn't write on here... I kind of go as far as I'm comfortable with and maybe a bit further.

Good, supplemental

Spent Monday evening with the legendary Bob, drinking cask ale in Pimlico. Which was nice. And on Saturday I'm going to Brighton for the lovely kemper Norton's birthday celebrations, which is nice.]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (March/April 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11026&Focus=353730#Comment_3537302013-06-11T12:52:12-05:002015-03-31T17:09:52-05:00Littlepurplegothhttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=10699
Aw JP, I do wish that I'd not ended up with cancelled days, because I really suspect you are where I was a few years back (before I wised up and stuff and met peeps who introduced me here). Needless ...
But do remember you have small smalls, and that's hard and mind numbing and takes a toll on everyone (and anyone who says otherwise is probably working out of the home fulltime and has a lot of help and childcare and a shit load of money to sort out their needs with). It does get better as they get older, it really does, even when other challenges present themselves.

When all else fails, there is always beer/gin/wine and whitechapel!]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (March/April 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11026&Focus=353863#Comment_3538632013-06-15T13:32:33-05:002015-03-31T17:09:52-05:00Rachæl Tyrellhttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=552
I was about to rant and reply, but should we start a new thread?