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Short Stories

***This is a series I have been working on for the past three months and this is the beginning.

Edit: I’ve decided to make this all free.

A Restless Pursuit (An Open Letter)

January 07, 2014

To whom it may concern:

How do you live in a town where you can barely trust a select few people around? How can you try to start a life with some Mr. Unknown X here when all the men you seem to run into just want a quickie and not a real relationship, or they have a secret they are hiding? It is over before it begins. I will cut some slack: at least they revealed the secret before anything happened. Is making love dead and nothing but casual encounters are alive? In my area that is what it seems like. I could be wrong and just have not met the proper gentleman of this area in a sea of improper. I know I have some good friends I occasionally hang out with who are interested in me, but I prefer not to date my few friends that I have around here for obvious reasons. The one proper gentleman I do meet from the same town not from my circle of friends, I am screwing it up badly because I cannot get a lost universe out of my mind no matter how hard I try.

Whenever something does not work out with someone and I try to hold on to the last few hopes, I get called crazy. The only thing crazy about me is that I would still want to give someone chances that mislead me for eight months hoping a townie would turn around. That is almost a year of my life I could have spent trying to be with someone who does not play games like that. Eight months is a long time to mislead someone, agree? I felt dumb for being fooled. I gave people the benefit of the doubt. I will not stand to be called names when it was the men of my town who fooled me and they act like I should not be upset. They should worry when I feel they are not worth it and I say nothing. No matter, I am accepting of how things went because it led me to someone I adore who will not do this to me.

Those who did not portray themselves to be the monogamous relationship type, find their forever persons before you. Your two exes [if you can barely call them that by being with them for only two to three months] are married, have families and children before you. How does that make you feel when you have done all that you can and you still get shafted? This is why I do not care to compare my life to the pace of others. My life is my life. I will keep living for me and my support. No need to rush because when it happens for me, it will be with the right person. That does not mean love should take its sweet time in happening. I have to have a starting point to get to where “we” ultimately want to be. I did not find my better half in high school nor did I find him in college.

I always wanted to play the cards in person, but I decided if it has not happened by now in person, then it is not going to happen later. I have given it since I was fifteen waiting for someone to whisk me away on exciting adventures. Finally, when I meet a townie who seems like he would treat me well, it is a little too late.

My heart is already taken by a young man in a state down south eight hours away from Small Town Northern, Indiana that I call Small Town, Mountain Land. All I have ever been is kind and quiet my entire life. I have kept to myself and few friends. Still, I somehow manage to be the hot topic to some drama queens who I have no idea who they are and could not care less what they say to the people who do not know any better than to listen to their gossip.

I am unsure why people are the way they are to me for I always minded my own business; people kept making up things about me for no reason. I stood up for ex-friends, treated them with respect but they did not give me the same in return. Is it some quality I have that they know they can never possess as to why they only treat me and not others the way they did? Perhaps, they lack conscience they know they will never grow. I stopped trying to understand unruly behaviors and now surround myself with cheerful people who know how to truly respect others.

—

The first question besides asking what my name is now, most people say next, “Do you have a boyfriend?” That is the next thing on nearly everyone’s mind: man or woman to ask me, not kidding. And when I say, “No,” they answer, “Why does a beautiful lady like you not have a boyfriend?” It felt as though it was pouring more salt in the wounds. I kid you not a complete middle aged woman stranger I met at one of the catering events that I helped host, she and her husband asked me this then suggested she could hook me up with one of her sons about my age. I appreciate the kind gestures but I want to play my own matchmaker. I just had not found the right person yet and I will not settle for anything less than the right person.

One would think people would be more intrigued by the million and one hobbies I have which are not necessarily related to each other. I certainly do not hold much money myself and am not a millionaire to do such travels yet, I was still able to fulfill my dreams of traveling around-the-world by my own accord – well with the help of being a discovered professional table tennis player, street basketball player, music talent, Web designer, videographer and professional photographer. Not to mention Miss Humanitarian saved all the abused dogs from the dog bait fighters that she could find in her area.

I saw an animal abuse article took place in Baltimore about a seven-month-old Jack Russell terrier strangled to death. I lost it when the owner got away with it and his reasons why he did it. I am tired of sitting around not being able to do anything about these horrible subhuman beings. It takes a special kind of brain one has to watch the life get sucked out of a poor puppy’s eyes caused by one’s own hands, up close and personal. I could not take it anymore so I started a campaign to save the animals from the wrong hands. If Mr. Dog Murderer strangled a dog to death because he was tired of cleaning up after it, I shudder to think what he would do to an innocent human baby who poops. That man should be exiled from any kind of contact. Has it ever occurred to him he could have taken the puppy back to an animal shelter and not be labeled a monster?

What people forget is that dogs are the most loyal creatures: they do as they are told (most times). It does not have to do with a dog being a certain breed saying X breed is vicious. I roll my eyes if people think a one-month-old pit bull barely born into this world is scary just because it is a pit bull. I cannot stand people will deny pit bulls just because of a stereotype. Why do I have all these hobbies? That is how I survive in this place. Plus, these kinds of causes need my dedication to them. Ask anyone who knows me when I am really dedicated to something, I am really dedicated. Without my hobbies I do not know where I would be. At least they keep me productive. You know that old saying that you have found the right person when he brings out the best in you.

These accomplishments did not happen overnight. I worked, and worked, hard, the hardest I have ever worked in my entire life for those dreams to come true. There is only one dream which has not come true for me. I have doomed myself for the rest of my life by waiting for someone. My whole being is taken by this individual regardless if we are not actually together. I feel simply wrong when other men who are not him would try to pursue me and I reject them.

Throughout the day, I think I am okay with not getting a chance to meet him. I will be going about my daily activities, thinking of “nothing.” I will be hanging out with my friends, enjoying life, thinking of seemingly “nothing.” It is only at night, when I come home from work to my own room, to no family of my own, when I go to sleep at night, is when it really gets to me. When unwanted men continuously pursue me, I wish my one was here to let them know to back off his lady. I wish my one was here to tuck me in at night when I am not feeling well or that we could cuddle and watch a movie together. This is a story, a story of my experience with a long distance pursuit. I keep thinking of what our first kiss would be like because I know if we wait, it will be the grandest thing to happen to both of us.

I know it does not seem like it right now, but I am sure I will get over it. Maybe if I keep telling myself I just dreamed this person up it never actually happened. There is no man and there is no woman from far away who cannot hang out. It’s just all in my head I made up. I have gotten over one other person who I never thought I’d get over, and I will forget about this one, too.

We both found each other when no one else found us. Now more people are popping up out of nowhere fucking us up! Where the hell were these people before we “met” each other? Why did I ever think this would work out? Oh yeah, because love is blind and you just want to think the best of someone you need to breathe.

I suppose I am such a “terrible, terrible, terrible” person who has always treated people with respect, volunteered half of my life to causes, worked at jobs that did not pay me what I am truly worth but I stayed there for the experiences. Finally after years, I found a good job with a great environment. I stuck up for my friends when people were bullying them that I do not deserve my own happy ending, right? I love myself, okay? I look up to myself for all the things that I know and have done in my life. It is not that a man cannot love me because I do not love myself.

It is because a man and a woman both love each other but they are too far away to see each other. He exists. He is not something I made up. He is real and I need to see him.

Signed with love,

Still Hopeful Single Woman

P.S. This is probably the first and last time I will ever experience a long distance. It hurts too much and now it’s messing up everything with guys in town who are finally decent to me. I should have just stuck with my original deal breakers: absolutely NO super long distance. One or two hours are fine, but any more than 5+ is done.

About six years ago, or whenever that was that I started coming out of my shell more and talked to men more, I didn’t think I’d ever run into the situation where I would ever be The Other Woman. I always thought that people would be honest if they are with someone or not, but come to realize most of this world doesn’t have my way of thinking to be honest, especially with a relationship status. I’ve made some of my own mistakes in the past, but I never repeated them again. It was a learning lesson for me, but here those people are constantly repeating the same mistakes and not caring.

While I was meeting people out one night, I talked to a marine from one of the bars. I knew I wasn’t going to find anything serious from anyone at a bar, much less a traveling marine. I thought I could have some fun with someone. A month into hanging out with him, I find out he’s actually married while hanging out with me with no ring on. What made him decide to confess to me after a month? His marriage was to his high school sweetheart. I’m sitting here thinking, how do people like to cheapen themselves to be the other woman and not care just because they get thrills out of being secretive? Luckily, I suffered no physical consequences, only emotional trauma.

This disgusted me that I was the other woman without my consent. I didn’t get thrills from it. I was disgusted with that person for lying to me. I was disgusted with myself. I took a billion showers trying to clean that cheating scumbag filth from me. It’s one thing if it’s a boyfriend/girlfriend, but it’s another if it’s a wife/husband. You signed a marriage contract, does that piece of paper mean nothing to you morons who think it means nothing obviously? People like him made me want to lose faith in the world. I was always a good girl and I never thought I would run into someone who would do this to me.

I can’t even have fun with someone from my town who doesn’t have secrets like this.

All experiences I must accept I went through to lead me to the right person who will never, ever hurt me like this.

A while back, I had signed up for Ok! Cupid out of pure boredom and for kicks. I kept my account open. Sometimes I would get messages from people on there but I wouldn’t reply because I’m not serious about meeting anyone in person from there at all. My account was just opened from before but I wouldn’t go on there to purposely search for people.

One man said to me, “You are too beautiful to be on any dating site, why are you on here?”

Oh, I replied, “The men in my city are dumb asses, that’s why unfortunately, but it’s true. They’d rather date skanks who start drama who don’t respect themselves and I hate to say I’m not a woman like that, sorry. I’d like to hang out as stress free as possible. The men around my age in my town are fucked up that’s why. I’m shocked I still have a straight head screwed on dealing with lots of these kinds of people daily who make up vicious rumors.”

I’m shocked I found the few decent friends that I have in all this mess to be honest. I’m trying this new thing to surround myself with good people and the people who are bringing me down, can be out of the picture.

Most of the men who message me on Ok! Cupid are older like in their thirties and have children already and I really would rather not date someone who has children nor that old.

“Don’t write off every townie,” these words echo in my brain said by Eric my roommate.

I don’t like going to a dating site to meet someone. I like to go to sites where you can make friends and the main purpose isn’t finding someone to date but finding friends with similar interests.

While I was bored one night, I got on Omegle again and met another man named Jake who lives in Texas and goes to Texas A & M. I’ve heard of that college. Isn’t that where Johnny Football went, or was it Alabama? I forget. I’m not a sports buff so I wouldn’t know.

Another person far away. Decent man, likes talking to me, but again, all I could think about was Travis down south. I’m sorry, Jake, you’re cute but not for me and not someone I would go the distance for.

I feel so bad whenever these guys try to talk sexy to me they have no idea I’m not even thinking about them the way they’re thinking about me. I just want to make a new friend that’s all, nothing more. I’m glad Baseball Guy knows where my heart is and wants to be just friends.

I would always ask guys on Omegle if they talk to other guys on there. They say, yeah they do. Whenever I see a girl on there, I want to make more female friends, even if they are far away, it’s just that they’re mostly much younger than me, like 15 or 16, not that young. Then we could have Girl Talk and talk about whatever either of us want to talk about to pass the time. I talked to a girl once. I’m not a lesbian or bisexual, just looking for more friends also females, too. The chat froze on us. I have a girl pen pal who I have been talking to since the 8th grade who lives in Australia. This is a place I’d like to visit some day and I have a friend there, too. We tell each other everything we wouldn’t tell our real life friends! She talks to me about her boyfriend and friends and I talk to her about my stuff, too.

Sometimes I don’t make it obvious that I’m a girl on Omegle. I like to be in a Tom Boy chilling mood at times and I wonder if some girls on there think I’m an Asian guy, hah! Seriously, I can be the girliest of girls or look like a boy. It’s however I want to look for that day.

I corresponded with a couple of townies on Ok! Cupid, also, but none I’d want to meet. For friends possibly, but I know they want more and I don’t want more from them. I’m just looking for new friends to hang out with in my town if anything. It gets kind of repetitive hanging out with my roommates all the time. Don’t get me wrong, we’re all bros until the end, but we need to meet more people instead of sticking with ourselves.

Eric still tries to be friends with his ex who is engaged to someone else [after a month of dating] just to have a friend.

I asked him one day, “Why do you want to be friends with someone who said all those horrible things about you who treats your other friends like crap as well?”

“I try to be friends with everybody when I can,” that’s just him he says.

“You don’t want to be friends with everybody. Not everyone is good to be around. Choose the right friends to make amends with,” I say.

I noticed that one by one, when I would kick out the negative people who used to be in my life that were dragging me down, I felt a sense of relief and some burden lifted off my shoulders. Sometimes I’ll give people second chances, but when they don’t take them, they’re done and I don’t have time to keep going around in the same circles repeating the same mistakes, repeating the same things, over and over. I want to move forward with life.

It was hard letting go of a so-called best friend of 20+ years, especially when our parents are family friends, but I finally did it. I am done with her and her selfish ways of thinking. I shouldn’t have to ask her to defend me; it should have been a given, especially when she knew me since we were practically in diapers. She doesn’t seem to treat other people as badly as she did me, I wonder what made her think she could treat me this way? Was it because I gave her too many chances to become a better friend and she thought I’d just take her back no matter what she did? She thought wrong.

Sometimes I can’t stand it when people in general will be nasty to me for no reason, but you know that old saying, “You can’t please everybody.” I decided that I don’t need these negative people who are saying negative things about me because I know I’m not how they say I am at all. I cannot stand complete strangers who think they know my life better than I know my own life. I couldn’t care less what they say, it’s just annoying that they’re gossiping about someone they don’t know at all and failing to look at their own miserable lives.

Once I stopped paying any mind to those types of people, I noticed a light starting to shine through.

Fun Fact #6: I’ve never really created one of these, but I thought I should for fun.

*Publish a best seller novel and/or short story collection

*Travel to every place we have ever wanted to go

*Get hired in permanently at a full time job that I like and not settling for jobs I don’t like just to have a job. [That can make someone so miserable if you just stick to a job because you think you can’t find something you like, and I’m not going to be that way]

*Buy a good car that’s going to last me for a long, long, long time

*Get my nice own place with no roommates: doesn’t matter if it’s a house or apartment, as long as I am the only one living there and can have guests over

*Fall ridiculously in love with someone who loves me back equally the same – and we do something about it and not give up on it just because things may seem hopeless at the moment

*Be in a healthy relationship with someone who appreciates me and I appreciate him, not a toxic one

*Hoping to have a real valentine for once, and not just friend valentines

*Have one full year without having to deal with people’s pointless drama that I really couldn’t care less about

I have never been in a true long distance relationship. Michigan to Indiana isn’t too far. I can be in Michigan in an instant. I was just in Kalamazoo not too long ago for a video shoot. I won’t count visiting someone in Michigan years ago, especially since we occasionally visit Michigan here and there. I’m talking states down, states further away. I’ve visited friends whenever they moved to a different state, but we weren’t dating, just friends visiting each other. I haven’t actually ever really wanted a life with someone who lives far away until now. How do people do it? How do they do it? People ask me how I do something like this, that they could never do something like that. I didn’t think I could, either. In fact, whenever I would meet previous Internet friends I still keep in touch with who were interested in me as more, I always said I just only wanted to be friends because I would prefer it if I didn’t do long distance, especially since I am on a budget right now trying to save for a car. With the right person, I can.

For now, all we can be is good friends getting to know each other better each day. I used to think I couldn’t ever feel real ridiculous “like” for someone over the computer I haven’t physically met in person, that they would mainly be Internet friends who have fun talking to each other from time to time, until I started video chatting. I know someone from my high school graduating class and she is in a long distance engagement I think. They’ve been dating for years and are now getting married soon. I’m not that close of friends with her anymore, don’t think I ever was, but her getting engaged to someone in Denver while we are here in Indiana gives me hope for my situation. I wish my interest won’t give up and I think my interest is a little closer [still far, but closer] than Colorado to Indiana. My heart belongs to him down south, a southern boy.

I know these things take time, but I have a good feeling that if we hung out once in person we’d know what we’d ultimately want from each other. I know it’s kind of pointless to make our relationship official right now when we can’t even meet at this point. However, in my heart, I just know. There have been other men to try to talk to me: in my hometown, and in other states that I am not particularly interested in having a relationship with because I am determined to beat all odds this time. I don’t want to give up on this the way I gave up on my last Indiana hope before I climb mountains for my man.

I’m just so afraid you’ll meet someone before both of our schedules are free to see each other. I’m so afraid and I don’t want that to happen because if you meet someone from your hometown, then I can’t talk to you anymore. I know I told you I won’t be talking to anyone else any time soon in that way. I ended things finally with my last Indiana boy and told Charley he can’t keep playing around with me when I’m trying to have a relationship. I won’t ever forget Charley. He was a truly big inspiration in my life working 12 hours a day, going to college and taking care of his two kids at 21-years-old. He also learned the lessons I taught him in life to become a better person. His friends before he met me, I have a feeling didn’t tell him to grow up even though he is 21 with two children. Since he met me, he became more mature. I won’t forget him for that reason that a man from my hometown finally listened to what I was trying to say, it’s just that he has a life with someone else already and Charley needs to stick with it. I’m ready to begin my journey to something new and unknown.

Baby, you don’t even know what you do to me. I keep imagining how much FUN we would have if we were to meet in person with all the things that we have talked about: snowboarding, skiing, surfing, etc. Since you’re by mountains, maybe hiking one day? A picnic in a hidden area in the mountains. If we both get lost hiking we’d have each other, but I hope we won’t get lost, lol.

I’ve really wanted to meet a person I like from in person just like you wanted to as well, but I seriously give up in defeat. Honestly, you think I don’t want to meet someone with an epic story in person? I do. I get it, letting fate deal its hands unexpectedly. Well you were unexpected, too. I have a feeling a person I like I’m going to meet is from online. Whenever I talk with you, I don’t feel like we’re about sex at all, even though you make me wanna show you things on cam I wouldn’t show others. I have real conversations with you because I know you also like me for my personality and not just my looks. Some people I run into only care about how I look and it’s not just about that. I get happy whenever you text me, and then get sad whenever we don’t talk. You light up my life currently, I hope you know. I know we all need our space and don’t need to talk all the time, but since it would be long distance do things change? Sometimes when we don’t talk for a while, I feel like you’re not interested anymore, but then we get to talking again and it goes from there.

I would move for you if it came to that point. I know you’ve stayed at your job longer and I want to get out of Indiana. Never in a million years did I imagine I’d be in your state for anything. I’ve always wanted to move to California or New York and did not have your state in mind at all before I met you.

You must be so wonderful in person to be around, and have a bubbly personality. I hope we shall meet some day soon. Girls are stupid not giving you a chance from what you’ve told me and why. I don’t want you to move to Indiana. I think there’s something in the waters in Indiana that makes most people act shitty and you might turn into a person I won’t like in the end if you were the one to move to where I am. I’m shocked I’m still a decent person considering all the morons here I’ve had to deal with daily you’d think they’d turn me into a moron. There are very few decent people here: men and women alike. I was discussing this with a friend today that most women where we are don’t give two shits if a guy is married, taken or has a family, they’ll get the D anywhere they can and only have concerns for their needs. I mean, after all, I’m looking for someone in a different state and don’t want to go back to square one.

Fun Fact: I still keep in touch with a lot of my co-workers from all the jobs I was at for a while. If I only stayed somewhere for three days I didn’t bother. One of my roommates is someone I volunteered with a few years ago. I have this thing about me where people at work don’t hate me and I can get along with most people. I don’t believe in demanding orders from people, or speaking with authority. You can speak nicely to co-workers and still get things done effectively. My friends joke around with me saying I couldn’t be a supervisor because I’m too nice and people wouldn’t take me seriously because of my kindness. Oh, I can be confrontational when I need to be, but I prefer not to because most battles aren’t worth my time.

There’s always one or two people at every work place who is up to no good but I don’t let them bother me since mostly everyone else gets along with me. So far, I’m liking everyone at my new job because we usually keep to ourselves and just concentrate on completing the tasks and no one bothers anyone. We all have a purpose there, no need to sabotage anyone. I can’t stand whenever a co-worker feels the need to sabotage people like it’s a game at work. People have bills to pay and lives to live. There’s enough bull outside of work that there doesn’t need to be more at work.

I didn’t want to talk to anyone at my new work and just stick to doing my job because you never know who you can trust at work. I have kept in touch with two friends at my first factory job, three friends at my second factory job, and currently, there is this one elder lady I work with I think I can trust.

I don’t like sitting in silence in fear someone will take things out of context and not talk to anyone, but I love that this new job I’m at allows me to solely concentrate on my work and that’s what I want to mainly do.

On break one day, I asked her what she thought about long distance relationships. She told me someone in her family lived where we are and was seeing someone all the way in California and they made it work and are still together in their 70s. If people really want something to work out, I suppose they will make it work no matter what. I like talking to her sometimes, but I still keep a distance, too, keeping my guard up but I don’t think she’s malicious. I gave her a ride home since she’s nearby.

I’ve always liked younger guys because the older guys in my city play too many games with me. I said to myself if I’m going to talk to someone immature, may as well talk to a younger guy who at least still keeps in shape instead of these older gentlemen who are so unsettling. Mind you, the younger guys I talk to, they are still men even if they are a few years younger than me. At least they’re the age of a man, but maybe have the mentality of children, ha. Omegle is quite the interesting online video chat community. If someone is making you uncomfortable, you can always immediately X out of the screen and start talking to someone new in an instant without a trace of them finding you again. It’s like a virtual one-night stand. I’m not on there to show my genitals to people, I just like talking to people from all over the world. If I come across the right person, maybe we can play on cam. That’s just not my kind of thing. I’ve met people from the UK, Sweden, Denmark, and especially Finland.

This particular boy, 18, from Finland intrigued me. He’s the youngest guy I’ve ever talked to, and the only really young one. I don’t purposely go searching for 18-year-olds or younger. As soon as they tell me they’re 17 or 16, I usually X out of those screens until I find someone closer to my age.

Probably because he told me he’s still a virgin, at 18-years-old. I said, “Wow, why still a virgin? You’re cute, know how to sing and play piano AND guitar. What girl wouldn’t want you there?” I don’t know any people these days anymore who are still virgins, even at 18. I mean, look at Charley who is 21-years-old, and has two children. He had to have started really young.

Finland boy replied, “I have many girls that want to date me. That’s just not a high priority for me right now.”

I told him there’s not really any good guys in my town and I’m so lonely.

He said, “Maybe a man is not meant for you right now, but you will find him.”

I wanted him to hug me right then.

We skyped the whole night. I didn’t get any sleep at all and was still talking to him at 6:30 AM my time and it was like 11:00 AM his time. I had so much fun talking to him and he said he didn’t want to do anything else but talk to me all day. He was singing to me. He played his guitar, piano. I sang to him, too. It was sweet. He’s in Finland, sigh.

We tried scheduling another time to talk, but with the time difference, it was hard. I finally saw him online again so I sent him a message asking him how he was doing and what is he up to?

He replied, “It’s 5 A.M. and I can’t sleep so I got on here.”

I said, “Can I see you on cam so you can say goodnight to me?”

We saw each other and waved.

He then ended the conversation with, “Well I’m going to go to bed now. Uni starts Tuesday. I’ll see you some day.”