Sunday, August 5, 2007

When the wedding's over....

I have yet to finish my long wedding story. For some reason, every time I work on it, I get really sad. I keep telling myself that I am just busy, but to be honest, I am not nearly as busy as I was before the wedding. No, truly the reason is that I don't want to own up to my sadness. This is supposed to be the happiest time of my life, right? I'm a young newlywed! I had a beautiful wedding to the man I love! I have a husband now! And other various statements that warrant exclamation marks.

Unfortunately, it just isn't that black and white. Yes, the wedding was beautiful, and yes, I love Roy and love being his wife. At the same time, I feel so deflated. During the planning, I would look forward to the time after the wedding with much anticipation. I couldn't wait to go back to my life again.

And now I have my life back, only I don't know what to do with it. It's hard to go back to being a normal person after being the center of attention for a whole day. It's hard to do when you planned this emotionally monumental event for over a year. Part of me wants to hang onto that bridal glow forever, and part of me is more than happy to say good-bye to wedding planning forever.

The older I get, the more I realize how strange life is. To think that an event such as a wedding would induce so many different and conflicting emotions in me is not something I would have ever believed before it actually happened.

So this is why I haven't been sleeping well. I'm trying to figure out what it means to be a wife while trying to let go of being a bride. I'm sure that I fit in somewhere but I just don't know where yet.