This is the Thread for the Book of Fearsome Pirate Pete. or for short, FPP. if there are other storys on pirates in the Loos Canon, then they should all be in their own section, called the book of YEARG!

but enough of me land-lubber talkin, ON WITH THE PIRATEYNESS!

CHAPTER ONEOnce, before the time of the great Beards, or even of Sir Francis Drake, there was a pirate, feared more than fear itself, and his name was Mad Jack the Deadly.But this story is not about him. It involves him, but he was kind of a jerk. This story is about Fearsome Pirate Pete. Pirate Pete was your average Pirate, a little more brawn than brains, but still very clever. He sailed with a captian by the name of Smithee in the Caribbean. Smithee often left the crew guarding this ship while he went into town, occaisionally coming back with some reddish sauce-like stains on his mouth. The pirates, being simple-minded as they were, and the captian was rather sophistaced, they figgerd it was some kind of food. Or blood, they werenâ€™t quiet sure, but when ever any of the rookies asked about it, he gained 582 and a half lashing, so they kept them mouths shut.One day their captian did not return in five hours, which was long enough to announce him legally dead in the Caribbean at that time, so Pirate Pete and his best mate, Tiny, the Midget, decided to search for him. They found him in the alley behind an itallian grog bar. On his dead chest was a lone noodle. Pete instintivly ate it, and started feeling dizzy. His first thought was it was poison, but soon an image of the FSM came into not-so-clear view. he heard unto himself a voice like no other saying, â€œbeware, for the atkins is after your kind.â€ The vision dissapreard, and Pete promptly fell face forward into a pile of old food and rat dung.He woke up to gun fire and shouting. â€œwhart the hells going on?â€ Tiny, being a canadain replied, â€œMad Jackâ€™s pillaging, eh.â€ â€œwell get the bloody hell off me and start looting ya scavras swab! Weâ€™ll stow away on his ship and sail there.â€ Pete said this without thinking, as usual, but what he did not know was that his words were guided by the Flying Spaghetti Monster. â€œowâ€™d you know our old crew left Eh?â€ â€œthey did? THOSE DAMN BASTARDS!â€ Pirate Pete then went on to loot in a raving madman fashion.They did stow away on his ship, and blended in quiet well. They made good conversation with the second mate, Nikta. One day, after about a month of pillaging islands, Mad Jack came out of his cabin to talk to the crew. â€œIn light of me first mateâ€™s death, me second mateâ€™s now me first mate. But whoâ€™ll be my second mate now hmm? You there! Yer not one of my pirates! Where the hellâ€™d ye come fromâ€ he pointed at Pete. â€œdâ€™ahar, ah confess, me and me bro stowed away fer we were left behind when we gotâ€¦ uhâ€¦ drunk at a bar somehwheres.â€ â€œWEâ€™LL YER ME SECOND MATE A SCALAWAG! NEXT TIME DONâ€™T BE THINKING ABOUT STEALING AWAY ON ME SHIP YA HEAR?â€ â€œaye capâ€™n.â€CHAPTER TWOAt Petes appointment of second mate, Nikta shared with him a secret. A secret of Pasta. He showed him the way of pasta. He showed him all of the great meals, Spaghetti and meatballs, macaroni, ravioli, Penne, and all other sorts. Then one fateful night, the captian, his mates, and a few servants, were eating Pasta in a really good diner just two blocks down from 31 flavors onâ€¦ oh right, the story. Suddenly, there was a flash of lights, centered around Mad Jack. He began shaking uncontrollably, and then fell face first into his pasta. â€œshameâ€¦ it was a good Penne pastaâ€¦â€ Pete Said, regretting the waste of the Pasta. â€œyou know why he died?â€ Nitka asked Pete. â€œnar. Butâ€™d be great advantage te know wouldnâ€™t it?â€ â€œyesâ€¦ it would. And I know why he died. he ate too many carbs. I believe we should switch to low carb foods.â€ Pete had a sudden and un-provoked lapse of suspision of Nikta. He tried to remember what that Spaghetti thing had told himâ€¦ Beware, for the atkins is after your kind. Nothing. He re-wound it and played it again. dnik ruoy retfa si snikta eht rof, eraweB. Beware, for the atkins is after your kind. Still nothing. dnik ruoy retfa si snikta- he stopped thinking. He found it. â€œYer not one of them evil folk are ye?â€ â€œno, no, whats evil about not dying? Or getting fat. Trust me, I learned from this book on the Atkins diet.â€ â€œTHAR! HE BE EVIL! EVIL! He didnâ€™t die from Too much carbs, he died from too LESS carbs! Yer just tryinâ€™ te kill all us pirates!â€ Nikta proceded to explode. In his place rose a gaint serpent. â€œJust eat the low-carb pasta. Itâ€™ll be good for you. you wont be fa-aatâ€ he said â€œfatâ€ with a bit of a tune, â€œcome with me, and you live a life of happiness! You will lose 10 pounds in the first week!â€ â€œno! ye be evil! EVIL! MAY HIS NOODLYNESS PROTECT ME!â€ upon these words, the Spaghetti and meatballs Pete was eating rose up, and gained more mass and eyestalks. And Lo! It was the Flying Spaghetti monster! â€œbe gone foul beast, eradicate these Pirates, protected by me, no more. Remember, foul Atkins, although it was an accident, I put you into this world, I can take you right back out.â€ Atkins Hissed with great remose, and crashed through the window, diving into the sea â€œyeâ€¦ Ye are thar Great Spaghetti Monster. Ye saved me.â€ â€œwhat can I say? Iâ€™m omnipent, its what I do. Hasta La Pasta Peteyâ€ â€œNeâ€™er call me that EVEr again.â€ the flying spaghetti then fell to the floor, and Pete felt the great presence leave. Pete then ate the Pasta. For it was good.In the morning, Tiny came in to check on Pete, and found him lying asleep on a huge pile of Spaghetti. â€œwhat the hell are ye doing, eh?â€ â€œyarâ€¦ I believe I was dreaming of a grog volcanoâ€¦ neâ€™er mind.â€ Tiny looked around, and saw the pasta, the dead captain, and the exploded body of Nitka. â€œas ye can see, Capâ€™n Jack is dead, from seizures, and Nikta exploded.â€ Pete said. â€œtotally unrelated events eh?â€ â€œeh.â€ Pete said. â€œwhat ye be meaning, eh?â€ â€œwell, they werenâ€™t totally unrelated. A Flying Spaghetti monster killed Capâ€™n Jack fer eating low-carbs, and Nikta for feeding it te him.â€ â€œehâ€¦ good story.â€ â€œuhâ€¦ aye. Better go tell the crew.â€When he finally got the crew assembled, seven hours later, Pirate Pete announced what had happened, and how he was the new Captian, and Tiny was to be his first mate. â€œwhat about the second mate, eh?â€ Tiny said to Pete. â€œyar, goodâ€™n ideer.â€ Said Pete â€œenie minie miny moeâ€¦â€ Pete said to himself. â€œyou there!â€ he called out, pointing to a paleish Pirate with a horned helm and a hammer. â€œwharts ye name?â€ â€œthey call me Ushnor the Great and Awesomeâ€ Peteâ€™s eyebrow raised itself skeptically â€œye think yer high and mightyâ€¦â€ â€œeh?â€ added Tiny. â€œI got the title because of my hammer. Everybody started calling me Ushnor the Great and Awesome after I smashed some guys head open in a bar one night.â€ â€œyar. Me likes yer style. Yer me new second mate.â€

question, comments, concerns? i can always make edits, I am completetely prepared to re-word almost anything. if anyone thinks a line could be re-worded, and make a good quote, tell me and i shall change it. later on in this thread i will have a list of good quotes from the book of FPP i have already. I put this in chapters, divided as by when i've posted them. I will probably keep them that way, but just for posterity, quoting will ignore them, so it'll be like "The vision dissapreard, and Pete promptly fell face forward into a pile of old food and rat dung" Pete 3:7.

you don't have to clog up the thread by saying "love it, can't wait for next" (no offense). ye could say that, but only with a question, comment, or concern. I already know ye think its a work of art better'n Shakspeare.

RAmen

daftbeaker wrote:But if I stop bugging you I'll have to go back to arguing with Qwerty about whether beauty is truth and precisely what we both mean by 'purple'

Any statistical increase in the usage of the emoticon since becoming Admin should not be considered significant, meaningful, or otherwise cause for worry.

well, what i meant was that he was all like, oh damn, and if he were over water, he'd jump and splash down into the sea, and swim away. but alas, he be in a pirate ship. so he did some cool flashy exit effect that CLEARLY means he left. besides, thar FSM woulda known were he still on the boat.

daftbeaker wrote:But if I stop bugging you I'll have to go back to arguing with Qwerty about whether beauty is truth and precisely what we both mean by 'purple'

Any statistical increase in the usage of the emoticon since becoming Admin should not be considered significant, meaningful, or otherwise cause for worry.

ere's the third installment. or second. don't really matter. hope you enjoy:

That night, The FSM talked to Pete to explain him about all. Fearsome Pirate Pete especially liked the part about the grog volcano. Then in the morning, the new and enlightened Pete called in his First and Second mate for a meeting. â€œyer all used te the pillaging thing righâ€™?â€ â€œeh.â€ â€œyes, but I actually would like to go to my homeland for a Holidayâ€ â€œeh?â€ â€œthatâ€™s my line Eh!â€ said Tiny â€œifâ€™n ye donâ€™t like it, leave.â€ Pete retorted as Tiny grumbled. â€œyes, its dedicated to thor. We have a huge hunting fest and bash the skulls of wild hogs open.â€ â€œahar! Itâ€™ll be a great family outin- I meanâ€¦ trip fer the crew. Tiny, go singal to take winds to the north! With as much speed as possible. Iâ€™m starting to like these norse peopleâ€And Lo, did they set out. for fourteen days and fifteen nights did they travel, north, until the waters were a bit sloshy with melted ice, and the winds chilled all to the bone. It seemed as if no life could be there. But then, something smashed into the port side of the ship. â€œAVAST! TIE YER SELF TO THE RIGGINGS! MAN THE LIFE BOATS! WERE GOING DOWN!â€ after yelling at the crew, he turned to Tiny, who returned to report the damage. â€œwoods a little dented, but so far we have no fear of sinking. It mightâ€™ve been a retarded whale, but-â€ another bash, this time to the Starboard. â€œWHAT THE BLOODY HELL IS GOING ON!â€ ushnor came into view, pale as a ghost. I mean, you think people from the far north are pale, but this guy was so white, he was black! â€œitâ€™s the kraken.â€ â€œthe what? Nevermind, are we safe, or screwed?â€ â€œseriously screwed.â€ Ushnor said, still dead-still. Another bash, from both sides, and a tip to the port, and they fell in the ocean. Pete tried opening his eyes, and saw the two large dark circles, and some noodly appendages. Twas the FSM, not the kraken. And thus did the tide set Pete to shore, where he passed out.Fearsome Pirate Pete woke up rather rudely by a penguin. It pecked at his eyes until Pete whacked it across the head. â€œbloody hell tiny, enoughs enou-â€ pete said waking up, seeing the desolate landscape, and a rather confused penguin, Pete was thouroughly confused. â€œI say, why did you just slap me across the face chap?â€ Pete looked around for the source of the voice, standing up. â€œme you twittering nitwit!â€ said the penguin. â€œwhat in the name of penneâ€¦ yer a talking penguin!â€ â€œand you are a gorilla who smells like alcohol.â€ â€œcome now, letâ€™s not be callinâ€™ names here. Where the bloody hell are we anyway?â€ â€œwell I was going to ask you ol chap, but you seem rather hostile.â€ â€œme greatest apoligies, its not like I wake up getting poked in the eye every day.â€ â€œquite. My name is Bobâ€ Bob reached out a flipper, supposedly to handshake, but Pete wasnâ€™t quite sure. â€œarrâ€¦ me names Fearsome Pirate Pete. Pirater and professional Grog Guzzlerâ€ â€œgrog guzzler? Sounds rather brutishâ€ â€œit was a contest somewhere in puerto rico.â€ â€œquite. Lets get moving shall we?â€ â€œwhere the ruddy hell are we going?â€ pete asked. â€œwhere are you going?â€ â€œwell, theres this norse festival involving smashing the skuâ€¦ uhâ€¦ big feast. Lots of food.â€ â€œright. Well then, we mustnâ€™t be late.â€ Said Bob, and he started waddling off in a direction, acting like he knew exactly where he was going. â€œwhere the bloody hell am iâ€¦â€ muttered Pete.

just a few things before i go. if you have toruble underanding who's talking, let me know. to all you norse people (ushnor only) i made up this holiday, because it worked well with ushnor and Petes personalities.

the next part of the book will be a little more serious, with life-lessons and proverbs.

RAmen

daftbeaker wrote:But if I stop bugging you I'll have to go back to arguing with Qwerty about whether beauty is truth and precisely what we both mean by 'purple'

Any statistical increase in the usage of the emoticon since becoming Admin should not be considered significant, meaningful, or otherwise cause for worry.

its doth not make me happy how short the last bit was. twas a littl be of an inbetweenquil. heres a freaking long bit

Fearsome Pirate Pete and Bob traveled far through the wintery wasteland. â€œdâ€™ye know of any dangers in these lands?â€ â€œnot a clue.â€ Said Bob. â€œbloody penguinâ€¦â€ they heard a lone howl off in the distance. Pete scanned the horizon and saw a wolf, howling sadly. â€œlets go have a look, shall we?â€ Bob suggested, and they both went to the wolf. â€œwhat? P-people.. what are you doing here?â€ â€œye best be akinâ€™ someone else, I donâ€™t know what the hell is goinâ€™ on anymore, talking animals and all.â€ â€œoh do be quiet pete! We are just passing through the area.â€ Said Bob. â€œoh, okay thenâ€¦ move along and leave me alone pleaseâ€¦â€ â€œwell lets get going then.â€ Bob started waddling off again, this action seemed to sadden the wolf. â€œnow wait a minute.â€ Pete said, noticing the injustice â€œWharts makinâ€™ ye so sad?â€ â€œwellâ€¦ its my wife, we had an argumentâ€¦ andâ€¦ wellâ€¦ *sniff*â€ â€œyar, I get he point. Its sounds like wanna them argeements bout nuthenâ€ after some trouble, Pete got the wolf to take him to where he thought his wife was, and they found her howling just as he was. And thus did they rejoice. â€œye know what yer problem was, ye dinna fergive each other. Ye needs compassion, or else where dâ€™ye end up? All alone.â€ Pete said. â€œtouching speech pete, but how compassionate were you to me and this wolf at first, hmm?â€ â€œah- dargâ€¦ lets just get a move on, we needâ€™n te be getting to thar feast soon, they might start without us.â€ And Thus did Fearsome Pirate Pete learn Compassion. Feasome Pirate Pete and Bob walked for even more than before they had met the wolf. Until, that is, until they saw some movement in the distance ahead. Pete and Bob picked up speed and caught up with the movement. Twas a snake an a gerbil, conversing about different types of cheese. â€œoi, whatâ€™er ye doinâ€™ â€˜ere?â€ Pete said. â€œus?â€ asked the gerbil. â€œexuse my smelly friendâ€™s rudeness of interrupting you. but we are curious to as how you are hereâ€ â€œwell, I was returning home, and I ran into this snake, no doubt the same way you two met each other.â€ The gerbil said. â€œwell, Iâ€™ma bet on not beinâ€™ thar EXACT same way.â€ Pete said, looking at Bobâ€™s Beak. â€œyes, anyway, at first I was afraid I would be eaten, but thankfully this is one compassionate snake.â€ â€œah yes, we know much of compassion.â€ Bob said. â€œyesss. Well, we really should be on our way.â€ Said the snake. â€œnot to worry, not to worry, were both going in the same direction. Iâ€™m sure we would love to see your family mr. gerbil.â€ â€œyes! As they say, the more the merrier!â€ for the rest of the trip to the Gerbils home, the Gerbil talked on an on about his family. When they came to the Gerbils home, he called for his familiy to come out and meet the guests. â€œooh! Iâ€™ll have to make many extra portions tonightâ€ said Mrs. Gerbil. â€œno, no, no, we do not intended to intrude upon your home, besides, I doubt weâ€™d fit in *cough*â€ said Bob politely. â€œyesyesyeysyes! How silly of me. hehe, I see, mr. snake, will we have you for dinner?â€ â€œuh.. yesss. Yesss you could sssay that.â€ The snake replied, â€œbut it is I who shall have you for dinner!â€ and he lunged at Mrs. Gerbil with his mouth gaping open wide. But Pete caught him by the neck. â€œahh, a traiter have we?â€ Pete said, â€œBob, would you like to do the honors?â€ â€œquietâ€ Bob said. â€œBIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITCH SLAP!â€ Bob slapped the snake across the face. This unfortuanly had an effect of the five young gerbils standing by their mother. they started yelling and assaulting the snake with slaps. â€œI-Iâ€™m so sorryâ€¦ I shouldâ€™ve known he was fooling meâ€¦â€ mr. gerbil confessed to Pete. â€œnar, sâ€™n not yer fault. Trustworthyness is important for all, and those who donâ€™t have it are bound to be bitchslapped. Speaking of which.â€ Pete grabbed the snake by the tail, and started swinging him around wildy. He finally let go, flinging the snake into the air until he was but a speck on the horizon. â€œthank you, if you were not hereâ€¦ I doubt Iâ€™d have defended myselfâ€¦ thankyou.â€ â€œnot at all, just being good subjects of his noodlyness.â€ And thus did Fearsome Pirate Pete learn the importance of trustworthyness. And the importance of not trying to eat gerbils. They left the Gerbils home, and set off again. they walked so far, they felt as if they could not go any farther, as if they had walked round the world. Then Pete spotted a Polar Bear in the distance, prowling and pacing, as if guarding something. â€œoi! Ye think we should go up to itâ€¦ looks like its guarding its territoryâ€¦â€ â€œitâ€™s your call Pete.â€ â€œIâ€™ma say we wait and see if it goes away. I donâ€™t wanna be mauled before the fest.â€ â€œyou mean feast.â€ â€œuh.. yeah, feastâ€¦ weâ€™ll, I havenâ€™t been honest with ye, itâ€™s a holiday invlvoing smashing the skulls of wild boar open.â€ â€œand why didnâ€™t you tell me?â€ â€œweâ€™ll, ah dinna know how yeâ€™d take it. Being an animal yerself and all.â€ â€œyes, weâ€™ll lets try and get some rest first. Who knows how long that bear will be there.â€ Bob said. After waking up, Pete saw that the bear was still there, but sleeping himself. He woke bob, and they tried creeping past it. It awoke. â€œaaauuuggh! Stay away! Donâ€™t hurt me again!â€ it said, jumping away from them. â€œcalm down olâ€™ chap. We mean you no harm. How are you hurt?â€ bob said In a calm voice. â€œits my paw. I was in a fight over territory, and the other bear bit my paw.â€ â€œâ€™ere, I was saving this for flesh wounds, but I think itâ€™ll help ye.â€ Pete said, pulling out a bandana, and wrapping it around his paw. â€œI saw you there before. I was hoping youâ€™d help me.â€ Pete said nothing. â€œPete.â€ Bob said sternly. â€œarr, we was hoping ye wouldnâ€™t maul us. Ah suppose oi was a little prejudice on ye.â€ â€œright Pete, you shouldnâ€™t judge people just because of the way they look or appear to be acting.â€ â€œthanks guys, Iâ€™m off to reclaim my territory.â€ And he went off into the horizon, limping a little. And Thus did Pete learn not to be Prejudice. Not too much farther on their travels, they came across a human, apparently throwing tree trunks. â€œoi! Whatâ€™re ye doing?â€ Pete yelled. â€œtha CABER TOSSâ€ he replied. â€œAh ahm Scott. The best caber tosser in all of Scotland.â€ â€œbutâ€¦ we being in Norway.â€ â€œyah, thatâ€™s why ahm here. Te prove to all that ahm the best caber tosser thar is!â€ he threw another tree. It flipped once. â€œAAARRRGGHH! Sounds like a challenge! Lemme try.â€ Pete said. He picked up a caber, and threw it. It bounced twice. â€œuh.. niceâ€¦â€ Scott threw one, but still it only bounced once. Scott then proceded to run off like a crying baby. â€œyar, serves â€˜I'm right. Braggin bout being the best. AHM the best I am! Iâ€™ll be bettinâ€™ I canna beat ANYone in thisâ€™er world.â€ Pete boasted. â€œah.. you seem to have learned nothing from Scott.â€ Bob picked up a caber, and threw it. It bounced four times. â€œaaaaâ€¦. Rghâ€¦ ah suppose I shoulna brag unless I know Iâ€™m right.â€ â€œactually not at all, twas you who made Scott feel so bad, because you bragged.â€ â€œarrâ€¦ Iâ€™ll be rememberin that.â€ And Thus did Pete learn Humbleness. Pete and Bob continued on again. they could almost make out the smoke coming from the fire in the lodge, when Bob yelled. â€œOUCH! Ow ow ow ow owowowowowowowowOWWW!!!â€ â€œwhart happened?â€ Pete looked down at Bobs food. He had been stabbed by a pointy stick. Pete pulled it out. â€œthank you, Pete.â€ Bob said. â€œcan ye walk?â€ â€œyes, its not much farther. Lets goâ€ thus did Bob claim, but he was limping like a sea-snail. At one point he fell down. â€œBob, Lemme carry you.â€ â€œno, no, its alright. I can make it.â€ But he had great difficulty getting up and moving again. Pete picked him up, and carried him the rest of the way to the norse lodge. He set Bob down outside the lodge. â€œnow, honestly, can ye walk?â€ â€œyes, yes I can.â€ Bob said, â€œgo and have fun with your friends at the festival. I have farther to go. Thank you Pete.â€ â€œarr. Ifâ€™n ye ever in the carribean, gimmie a call.â€ â€œwill do.â€ Bob said, and with that, he waddled off into the distance. Thus did Pete learn Loyalty.

and Thus did Qwertyuiopasd learn that carpal tunnel syndrome is BAAAAD!
next time, on FPP, the feast and fest of Thor. will FPP find his mates? how mad was the damage inflicted by the Kraken, will they get back to pillaging? and will there be anymore pengiuns?

find out next week (or whenever i get my lazy ass into gear), same Feasome Thread, same Fearsome Time, Same Fearsome Pirate Pete.

daftbeaker wrote:But if I stop bugging you I'll have to go back to arguing with Qwerty about whether beauty is truth and precisely what we both mean by 'purple'

Any statistical increase in the usage of the emoticon since becoming Admin should not be considered significant, meaningful, or otherwise cause for worry.

EDIT: thanks Solisphy. it is not Carbonalism instead of Christianity. and if anything either offends you, or you think it might offend someone else, please tell me. I don't want to hurt anybodies feelings.

daftbeaker wrote:But if I stop bugging you I'll have to go back to arguing with Qwerty about whether beauty is truth and precisely what we both mean by 'purple'

Any statistical increase in the usage of the emoticon since becoming Admin should not be considered significant, meaningful, or otherwise cause for worry.

And so it came to pass that the copying and the pasting of the posting of the writing, as it did appear thus far in this thread, was done. And the FSM looked down, and His Great Noodly Appendages did quiver with saucy delight. And he did proclaimeth: "Cool. So Far, So Good." Thus spake Our Lord in Marinara.

It was proclaimed throughout that Boards of His Holy Discussion that the Divinely Inspired Writing should not cease, but rather should continue, for to Him, it is most pleasing. And yea, His humble galleyscribe Solipsy did toss and turn upon the seas of the keyboard at all unreasonable hours, and did gather the writings of the inspired, and did organize them and nit-pick them, but not without permission, and did seek to credit them, and will be in touch with the writers of them if any questions ariseth, and doth encourage said writers for to do the same.

Thus did the proclamation end.

Fear not, Just Qwerty. This is just a marker, so I know what I've actually gotten so far. Keep going....