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Happily married mommy of 1 with no plans for any additions. Loving every crazy, scary, fun, hilarious, frustrating, amazing minute of parenthood and life in general. I live in Portland, OR and have a great job that I would very much like to keep.

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Pineapple

This is me throwing my hands in the air and stepping away, folks. This is me saying “Listen here Children’s Programming, I CAN’T! I just CAN’T ANYMORE!!!”

We have been suffering from a serious plague in our home. A plague brought on by Amazon’s original program, Creative Galaxy. Sit parents, and I will tell you a tale…a tale of WOE. (My woe but so what, I’m feeling melodramatic, let’s go with this…)

I’ve posted about children’s programming in the past (for example here and here) and it’s no secret that my first love will never be Curious George (for real, the monkey is the smartest human on the show..and he’s not a human) and a lot of children’s programming is unbelievably disturbing – albeit charming (I’m looking at you claymation Christmas movies). But it is only recently that our family has been as effected by a children’s show (and we’ve been through the 4th ring of hell known as the Disney Channel…*shudder”). And the show plaguing us is called…Creative Galaxy.

Creative Galaxy is all about art. The characters are brightly colored aliens living on some unknown planet in the “creative galaxy” which features other planets like Sculpteron and Paper Planet. Arty, the main character who I’m going to assume is a little boy alien, and his pet, Epiphany (no clue what that thing is) basically solve every problem that comes along with ART. (Sarcastic Yay!) Baby Georgia is crying? Make a stuffed Epiphany on the fabric planet (can’t remember the name of that one). Your dinner table is boring?! For shame! Make table decorations (that incidentally cover the ENTIRE table) on paper planet! (You genius, you!) Neighbor’s dog eats the ridiculously elaborate game your dad created for family game night? That’s right! Head to Sculpteron for the solution. Basically, you can fix ANYTHING with art (at least according to Arty).

I’d like to take a moment and tell you some things you CANNOT fix with art:

A clogged toilet

Dinner (although they make a serious go of it with the “Food is Art” episode – that’s resulted in some very interesting arguments at dinner time)

The walls (in spite of the library episode where Arty paints on the walls – thanks for that one)

The garbage disposal

Being late for literally everything

The dog (Pineapple is the MASTER at this…has been for years, so can’t really blame CG for that one)

My car

Her new clothes

The couch

You get the idea…

So what prompted this post other than the above list? Well, this morning before Pineapple went downstairs with DH to eat her breakfast, I told her “you can draw/color/cut paper/glue but NO painting before school – you might get paint on your new shirt and we don’t have time to change.” She confirmed that she’d both heard and understood what I said and promising not to paint, skipped downstairs saying “Woohoo! Breakfast! Yay! Good morning doggy!”

Happy girl / happy mommy.

So, I finish getting ready for work (can’t find my sweater – seriously, where did it go?! It’s not animated…how could it leave the house…which is clearly what happened because it is GONE) and I head downstairs. And guess what is happening at Pineapple’s little art/breakfast table in the living room. Go ahead…guess. You’ll NEVER guess.

PAINTING!!! YAAAAAY!!!! And it’s everywhere. It’s on her new sparkly donut shirt, it’s in her hair, it’s on the wall, it’s on the table. It’s EVERYWHERE. So instead of singing the CG jingle while smiling and happily wiping down my child with an “oh you silly thing” look on my face, I freaked the freak out.

Yep. Time out immediately, frantically wiping down the wall, her table, running upstairs to find another shirt for her to wear, and then making her morning protein shake and mine, while prepping a roast for dinner. FUMING MAD. Frustrated. And committed to throwing the dadgum CG-displaying TV out the back door and never looking back. So, when I walked over and excused her from time out and took her in the bathroom to attempt to wash all the paint off of her hands and out of her hair, and I knelt down to look at her and said “I asked you not to paint before school. You said you wouldn’t. But you did. Is that what you’re supposed to do?” And she responded “I’m so sowwy…you porgive me?” I just hugged her and told her of course I did. And I asked her why she did it…and she said “because Arty was painting and I wanted to paint, too.”

*%*&^%%$& Creative Galaxy!!!!!!! *shakes fist at sky*

Now, all of this being said (and the bitching out of the way), I will say there are some great things about this show….here’s a list:

Pineapple has ADHD and is often “in trouble” and she makes “mistakes in her schoolwork” (a lot of them and she tells me this so she’s aware) but “THERE ARE NO MISTAKES IN ART.” Let that soak in for a sec. Imagine you are a 6 year-old little girl who has worn the time out step’s carpet down to the wood and frequently hear “that’s a great 3 but it’s backwards” and other similar feedback on your work. And then someone tells you that if you just create some art, you CAN’T make a mistake…because it’s your art. And if you love it, then it’s perfect. That’s a pretty powerful thing for that little girl…a beautiful, powerful thing.

My kid knows what Dada art is. Not only that, but she can tell you that they made sculptures and they used dice to decide what to sculpt. She’s also a huge fan – and recreation master – of pointillism art. Pretty neat, huh?

We are enjoying a lot of really interesting art in our home.

And she’s enjoying staying quiet for a period of time to make it (bless you Creative Galaxy).

We can all do art together. I awoke one Saturday morning to find DH and Pineapple making paper mache in the kitchen. They were covering a balloon in strips of soggy, pink paper. I asked DH what prompted this and he gave me a look that indicated “are you freaking kidding with that question? clearly it was Creative Galaxy” and he said “it looked easy and Arty said it was basically flour, water, paper, and food coloring so I told Pineapple we could try it.” Cute, huh?

When we go to restaurants, we bring art books and markers now and ALL of us participate while we wait for the food. While we do that, we talk about the day and how we could draw what happened or how we felt. That’s quality family time right there, folks.

So what to do now? Paint is going way up high in a cabinet and can only be used when permission is granted and there will be no more CG before school. I suppose we will go back to watching that moron in the yellow hat as George schools him on life. At least that show only resulted in her standing on the trash can, putting a banana in the microwave, and complaining that it was broken.

Oh – and if you’d like a suggestion for another really cute and fun Amazon program, check out Tumble Leaf…I actually enjoy this one. 🙂

I was feeling sad about the holidays being over so I decided to visit the future and take a peek at what the wrap of our holidays will look like 7 years from now…I found that Pineapple’s Diary was a GREAT resource for that information…enjoy.

PINEPAPPLE’S DIARY

KEEP OUT!

(This means you, Mom!)

(Dad, if you see mom reading this, please remind her that my privacy is a real thing and it is important to me and she is not respecting that and we are both disappointed in her.)

(Thanks.)

1/3/2022

Dear Diary,

Well, the Christmas break is coming to a close and tomorrow I head back to school. I’ve picked out my outfit and it is AMAZE-pants. Ky is gonna FLIP when she sees my new floral print blazer. It is soooo super retro cool. Here’s a pic of it: (fabs, amirite??!!??).

Anyway, I’m feeling a little sorry for mom and dad. I mean, they’ve been going to work and stuff over the break while I got to chill here, play vids, and raid the fridge but we still had a lot of quality time together. I know how important that is to them. And I made sure the house needed some cleaning when they got home – it’s mom’s favorite hobby. I’m always thinking of them. They are so super needy, you know?

They always want to be around me and I know they love it when I get them up in the morning to make me breakfast. It’s important to them they they get to take care of me, so I go OUT of my way to get up super early, get them up, eat breakfast with them, and then once they’re gone, I head back to bed for a nap. I sometimes wonder if they will ever know the sacrifice I make for them by getting up that early for NO REASON other than to let them spend time with me.

And just the other night, they were just sitting there alone in the living room, watching TV. Mom was knitting and dad was just sitting there with his feet propped up drinking one of those nasty scotches while they watched some lame movie (probably nothing actually any good was on). So, I walked in and started a conversation. Don’t tell anybody, but I told them all about how Ellie has been using ZERO manners and not respecting private space by making out with Ryan…like all the time. I know, I promised not to tell that she kissed Ryan but SHEESH, it was a public service for my parents!!! They were BORED!!! I know because as soon as we started talking they turned off that boring show and mom put her knitting away and they were totally asking me all sorts of questions about me and and Ellie and if I’d kissed anybody. They were so interested in what I have going on…I think it’s because they have such boring lives. Either way, PUBLIC SERVICE.

But tonight was the worst. They were drinking. Pretty heavily by the looks of the empty wine bottle on the counter. And they were just sitting there at the counter with their glasses, whispering and toasting. I think they were trying not to disturb me. because I’m pretty sure mom was crying…because I heard them say “the break is over…she goes back to school tomorrow.” So. Sad.

So, I’ve decided that next Saturday, I’m going to get up super early – like SUPER – and get them to take me shopping. That will totally make their boring day so much brighter. I mean, they are always saying that the reason they work so hard is so I can have the things I need. I definitely need some new moon boots for my rainbow-print jacket – they have some super retro cool ones at the mall…I saw them when I was there with Ky. Mom acts like she thinks they’re ugly but I know she likes retro because she had a jacket almost exactly like mine when she was in middle school. 😛 Here’s a pic: (loooooovees).

Holidays are like fruitcake. Know why? Because they are chock full of the unexpected and FATTENING as hell!

We’re enjoying the holidays this year and we’re not travelling. That in itself is a load off. Not that we don’t enjoy spending the holidays with the family but we travel a lot for work so not travelling when we have some time off is a nice, and rare, break. Plus, it has allowed us to experiment with some new traditions for our family. We’ve established a few that I think we last (each of us getting 1 new ornament with our name) and have thrown a few out that were a bit too difficult for Pineapple to grasp (watching a 2 year-old pitch a major because she’s not allowed to hold that damned elf on the shelf is painful). We’ve also had some ADORABLE moments care of my sweet, sweet Pineapple…such as:

She tries to sing Christmas carols but mostly ends up singing “happy birthday” instead. So it goes something like “ho ho ho…happy day!”

She received a fabric nativity set from her Nana. The camel and sheep escaped and the baby Jesus is currently covered in peanut butter and jelly and “sleeping” in the remote control bin on the coffee table. SHHHHHHH – for. the. love. – HE IS SLEEEEEEEPING!

Pineapple was an angel in the Christmas pageant at church this past Sunday. She was the only angel that openly wept and slapped at her wings because they were hitting her in the noodle. Her halo fell off, repeatedly, and she turned beet red holding her wee arms up for me. I rescued her, naturally, but we didn’t get any good pictures as a result…dang it. We’re thinking next year a more suitable role might be sheep or camel – any barnyard animal would suffice.

Speaking of crying. Pineapple went to see Mr. Clause. She marched right up to him, waved and said “Hello Tanta” with a big grin on her wee cheeks. So, I picked her up, set her on his lap, and said “OK now we’re going to take a picture with Santa!” Too which she responded “NOOOOOOO! and screamed at the top of her lungs.” You can tell she’s more “mad” than “sad” because her eyebrows are red. Another year of screaming Santa…oh how I love it!

I have a set of salt and pepper shakers in the shape of a gingerbread boy and girl that I put out at Christmas. These have been a constant point of interest for Pineapple and she loves to hold them and kiss them and make them kiss each other. The other evening, she took the gingerboy and a piece of tissue paper over to the counter and proceded to cover the boy in the paper, chanting “wrap, wrap, wrap” the whole time. Then she climbed down, took the wrapped gingerboy over to the tree, set it on the floor and said “for mama!” Yes, I know. It’s friggin’ adorable. I think SHE’s the gift, personally.

Every time we pull up to the house when the lights are on she says “ooooooh pretty” from her carseat in the back. It’s too cute. She also says this about the tree whenever she comes out of her room to find it lit….which is pretty much constantly. Like I said, too cute.

In the midst of all this cuteness, we’ve had some struggles, too:

Pineapple is receiving a rocking horse – the kind with springs – from her Grandma W. I had the pleasure of putting that pony together. Along with a bottle of wine, 2 different screwdrivers and the heel of my boot, we got ‘er done.

I didn’t print enough pictures of Pineapple with Santa. So if you didn’t get a card with a picture, yes, I know I suck. Deal with it…XOXO.

I made the mistake of reading one of those articles that tells you the fat/calorie content of all the things you love to eat at the holidays. Then I weighed myself. I’m asking Santa for liposuction this year. That fat man had better come through or else.

Pineapple’s daycare is closed for the full week between Christmas and New Year. WHAT am I going to do with a 2 year-old for 9 solid days?! In the PacNW?! In the RAIN?! And COLD?! *sigh* I wish daycare would just let me come use their space for the 9 days…

Nordstrom’s is the devil. I can’t stay out of the shoe section. Want, want, want. But need to give, give, give. *sigh*

You know what? I’m just thankful that my family is healthy, safe and home – unlike so many families this year. So, rather than lament my lack of AMAZING military boots and my ginormous fat butt, I’d like to wish everyone a very, very, VERY Merry Christmas…Pineapple style:

She seriously says no constantly. I’m not sure I can take it. This morning, she came over to my bed and reached up and when I tried to pick her up and snuggle her, she lowered her arms and said “no kickle!” (Pinapple-ease for “no tickle”). It was friggin’ adorable but it made me wonder…do I tickle her that much?

Half the time when she says “no” she follows it with “daddy” (i.e. “no daddy”). That’s fine – I say no to daddy a lot myself 😉 – but when she says it, she could be saying it to the cat or the heater that just kicked on…it’s like the word “no” is just naturally followed by the word “daddy.” It’s starting to upset daddy to say the least. (I think it’s funny but don’t tell.)

The worst is when she’s getting in the car. I’ll try to pick her up and put her in and all you hear is “nooooooooo!!!!!!” – not because she doesn’t want to get in the car…because she doesn’t want to get in her car SEAT. I’ve written about this before – and yes, the eagle call is still in full force.

At dinner time: “Pineapple, take a bite.” “NO!” “yes, take a bite.” “NO DADDY!” (I’m the one giving it to her.)

At the park: “OK Pineapple only 1 more and then we have to go.” “NOOOOOO!” and then she’ll run off and pout before she even gets the last turn! Where is logic when you need it?!

Getting out of the bath: “Come on Pineapple – time to get out.” “No.” (This said from the far corner of the bathtub.) “Yes, Pineapple. You have to get out and get dried off and dressed.” “No.” (This said from the bottom of the tub where she has now spread her scrawny little body, tummy down, and is attempting to grip the sides so as not to be removed.) “Pineapple, I’m not kidding. It’s time to get out now. Come on.” (Said as I lift her from the tub – fingers squealing on the siding all the way.) “NOOOOOOOO!!!!” (Followed by intense sobbing as if we told her that there is no Santa Clause or Easter Bunny and BTW, peanut butter and jelly are now considered a sin and so therefore are verboten. In other words, full-scale meltdown.)

The BEST though, is when she randomly throws a “thank you” on there. “Pineapple, would you like an apple?” “No, tank oo.” Yep – those are the best ones…just wish they were more common!

On another note, Pinapple and I joined her school at the pumpkin patch the other day. It was a lot of fun and Pineapple enjoyed the heck out of it – running all around and squealing at the animals (occasionally licking a pen to my abject horror). It was great. Then I started talking to the parents…they said “oh what is your daughter’s name” and I told them and they said “oh is her last name X”? “Yeeeessss.” I hesitantly replied. “Oh – we hear her name like that all the time! First AND last – from our perfectly behaved well-mannered that has probably never said no before in their life or thrown themselves prone on the ground in the mud upon being told that no they could not take a pig home with them child.” Niiiice. So does that mean that all the kids hear at school is “Pineapple X!” ???

I’m glad she’s strong and independent and knows what she likes. I just wish manners would accompany that and I wish that the word no would just die a horrible, painful death. Worst word EVER.

Kids should come with disclaimers. For real. There are tons of things nobody told me before I had a kid – most of them good, some of them awful – but there should be a handbook or guide or something. Those What to Expect books fall short, IMHO, on providing details about the odd little rashes, itches, owies, and yuckies that kids get.

For example…Hand, Food, and Mouth Disease. Seriously. (And no, not to be confused with “Hoof and Mouth” Disease.) This little doozy is related to chicken pox and causes painful canker sores inside of your wee one’s mouth, on the palms of their hands, and the soles of their feet. Oh and when the ones on their hands and feet get all blistery, they pop and release pus. Dis-gusting. We narrowly avoided this one earlier this week but now I have to live in fear…waiting for the next outbreak. And I know that primarily kids under 10 get this one but I swear my throat is hurty and I’m pretty sure I have a canker sore – and my feet feel a little raw – possibly due to the many walks in the beautiful weather, wearing inappropriate shoes but that’s neither here nor there…and oh crap…I am such a friggin’ hypochondriac. Moving on…

The drooling. For. The. Friggin’. Love. I am SO OVER the DROOLING. I’ve literally taken to encouraging Pineapple to close her mouth and make a kissy noise in order to suck up some of that drool. I’m sick of wearing it and I’m sick of my house appearing to be infested by a gang of bi-pedal snails who happily trail their Kix Cereal and ketchup drool all over the place. ENOUGH ALREADY! I’ve been told, by the doctor no less, that this WILL stop and Pineapple will not be the only kid in highschool happily drooling all over her desktop…but I gotta say…I’m unconvinced at this point in time.

What is with the yeast infection butt rashes??? How on Earth does she develop a yeast infection on her BEHIND?! I simply do not get it. And it’s bright red and raw and irritated and I KNOW it’s painful…I just don’t get it. But a quick tip – if your kidlet gets this, a friend of mine who works in pediatrics told me to just get some myconizol (some monistat or lotrimin will do) and mix it with some Vaseline (you don’t want to use hiney cream because there’s alcohol in the cream that can sting). It works great, it’s cheap and I can make just as much as I need. (Disclaimer: I am NOT a doctor so take this for what it’s worth.)

Weird boogers are disgusting…and why does my kid always HAND them to me?! She sneezed the other day and walked over saying “here mama” and I reached out my hand expecting something sweet from my Pineapple only to receive a slimy brownthing that was actually rather large. I put two and two together and figured out that she had sneezed this out of her nose. It was BIG. And after dismissing the idea that it was a baby slug – OMG, I seriously thought that for a moment and was near vomiting – I realized it was a piece of bark mulch from the playground…that she had CLEARLY shoved up her nose. WHY?! Who knows why. I swear. *groan*

Speaking of orifices…what is with the…ahem….how to say this politely?…digging around? Honestly…get your hands out of your pants already! Why oh why does she do this?! I’ve had other friends tell me their little girls are the same – and some of my friends with boys have told me tales of this sort of “exploring” that make me thankful I have a girl – but seriously, some times her “explorations” just look painful. I can’t tell her not to do it – it is hers after all and I don’t want to freak her out about it or anything – but I will be so glad when this phase is over. :S

I’ve started having dreams about cleaning her diapers. In my dreams, her diaper is leaking and it’s so messy and gross and I’m trying to clean it and it just won’t get clean. This makes me think it’s time for potty training but from what I understand, that is no walk in the park either and I’m not quite prepared to have pee and other stuff (besides the DROOL and food bits) all over my floor. Not yet. But I’m getting close.

When she looks like this, she’s likely to go from happy to mad in SECONDS.

And I know she’s 2 years old and she’s going through a lot – lots of changes and development and learning and BLAH BLAH BLAH…but this attitude of hers just sucks. She can be downright mean. And not just to me – although I am the primary target – but also to her caregivers at school. And particularly, the caregiver that looks like me. And she’ll randomly decide she doesn’t want me to pick her up – she wants dad to do it – but then NO! – not dad! MOMMY! – but NO…DADDY! *Frustration, thy name is PINEAPPLE.* For example, I loaded her in the car after school the other day after she’d run to the car saying “YAY!” only to have her freak out the moment I put her in, take a swing at me (no joke), and yell “NO NO NOOOO!” All while sobbing loudly. I asked “is something pinching? Are you OK? What happened?!” and she just looked at me with venom in her eyes and screamed at the top of her lungs. I had no idea what to do. After much pleading for any additional information from her she told me she wanted “out!” I said “don’t you want to go home and see daddy and the puppy and kitty?” and she said “YES!” and I said “then you have to ride in the car” and she said “NOOOOOOO!!!!” I then calmly said “well, too bad” and walked around the car, got in the drivers’ seat, and cranked up some dance music. At which point….

….she proceeded to dance.

(So. Cute. Heart. Melty.)

She was bopping her head and when the music said “I throw my hands up in the air sometime” she actually put her tiny hands in the air…and waved them. I love this kid. She’s so friggin’ cute. I know she sounds like a pain in the butt – which she kind of is…some of the time – but OMG. She’s just my world.

I may have mentioned this recently but just in case, Pineapple has turned 2.

2.

My baby is 2. Years. Old.

How did this happen? Where did the time go? Well, although she’s 2 – and clearly a very big girl now – she still does some “baby” things. What you ask?

Those big baby sighs. While she’s playing or sleeping, she’ll sigh deeply. It’s like she’s saying “everything is right with the world.” And for that little moment, everything is right with mine because I know she’s content and happy.

She also still uses a pacifier occasionally – primarily when sleeping (or falling asleep) – and when she does, she makes that little “squeaky-squeaky” noise that comes with sucking on a passy. It’s so cute. And it just reminds me of all those wee baby bottles…what a soothing noise!

She still wants to be rocked – the only difference is that now she can tell me so. We rock in her squishy chair and we sing songs and read books. She enjoys it – I enjoy it – and I know, deep down, that our time on that chair is limited. And damn…that makes me so sad…but it makes the time spent there all the more precious.

She still wants me. She calls for me – MAMA! – and she follows me around like a little duckling. She wants me…maybe not as much as I want her (who knows) but for right now…I’m the mama. And that is the most in demand position in our household. I just hope it stays that way for a long time. Because I’m afraid that before I know it…she’ll be 20 instead of 2.

I love watching her become the person she will be. I’m looking forward to all the new things we’ll do. But I feel a bit like I’m mourning those early days. Those first 2 years. I miss my baby…but I love my toddler.

She does some FAB toddler things. Like what? (you’re so CURIOUS today!)

Well, she knows what she wants…and she’s not afraid to tell you. Sometimes it lands her in timeout but she’s not a wimp and she’s not a pushover. She needs you to EXPLAIN why she needs to eat her dinner before she has her cookie. But she always eats her dinner after it has been explained. She’s a good, good girl.

She likes to “swim” in the bathtub. Every time I see her do this, it makes me happy because how many times have I wished as an adult that I could swim in the bathtub?! And how long has it been since I’ve been able to do so? I’m glad she’s at an age where she understands that she can swim in there but she’s still little enough enjoy it.

She dances and dances and DANCES! She loves to dance and she loves music. If we’re walking in the store and she passes a radio she STOPS…turns…and starts to boogie. And she has got some MOVES (granted, they unfortunately seem to be her Dad’s moves, but moves they are). We love to watch her dance and admittedly spend many an evening turning on some sort of house music or country or rock (whatever she likes that day) so she’ll get down. It’s the best!

She gets so stinkin’ excited about things. She’s at the point where you can tell her that we’re going to the park and she’ll run around yelling “POK” and squealing until we leave. Anything fun works her right up – Wonderpets? Check!, Bathtime? Check!, Riding in the car? Check!! It’s adorable.

She’s a fantastic snuggler and she gives kisses, too. And her favorite thing in the world is to hug both DH and I at the same time and pat our heads. She likes those “family hugs” and if she hugs only me or only DH, she’ll look at the other and say “come-on.” I wouldn’t trade her hugs for the world…and it makes me sad that I know I don’t have an infinite amount of them…but I treasure what Ido have.

Happy Birthday Little Pineapple. I can’t wait to see what you do with your world.

She moved to her new preschool house – and we attended the orientation yesterday. There is a small classroom where they will draw and learn their shapes and colors. There’s a reading room where her big, fuzzy, pink pillow is stored for her dainty bottom to rest on while she listens to her teachers read a book. And the teachers? All new – to her at least. She’ll be sitting at a big girl table for lunch. And she’ll be sleeping on a….

…wait for it….

nap mat!!!

*sigh*

She’s sooooo sooo soo LITTLE. And I’m nervous for her.

When I talked to my dad about it – while I wept – he laughed and said “oh good grief, Rachael – she’s going to DAYCARE dressed up like PRESCHOOL where she will play with her friends! You’re so silly!” When I talked to my sister about it – while I wept – she laughed and said “OMG – you are NOT crying over this! Oh heaven forbid that Pineapple be forced to go to a clean, nice, fancy preschool where she has to color pictures with her friends – GASP!”

I get no respect.

At least DH is sympathetic. We both agree. It seems like a LOT of responsibility for a 2 year-old. But I guess my dad and sister are right, at the end of the day. I mean, it’s not like she’s going for hard labor. I won’t get there and find her frantically stitching labels into the backs of poorly made clothing…..or digging ditches in the yard next to the jungle gym…..or scrubbing the floors on her little hands and knees until it shines like the top of the Chrysler building….