Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.

Thursday, October 22, 2015

Dolly Parton's Propaganda

Like many Tennessee residents, my wife and I have signed our
children up for the Imagination Library program which began as the brainchild
of country-music singer Dolly Parton. The idea is that any child in Tennessee
is eligible to receive complementary age-appropriate books through the mail.
Most of them are innocuous enough and concern shapes, colors, and the
personification of zoo animals. But every now and then they will try and slip
one by you and indoctrinate your children with their liberal propaganda.

Case in point is Maple by Lori Nichols, who by her own
admission, “looks to nature for most of her inspiration” and collects “acorn
tops” as a hobby. You have probably already surmised that none of the book’s
settings involve an NRA raffle. Let’s look at a couple of the illustrations:

You will notice the conspicuous absence of wedding bands on
her parents’ fingers and the fact that they refer to the human child growing in
her womb as a “whisper” rather than a “baby.” It should also be noted that
instead of putting an end to their sinful cohabitation, they decided to plant a
tree. I suppose it is difficult to find time to properly consecrate a
relationship when you’re volunteering at the global warming propaganda tent…..

By the book’s midway point, we are informed that Maple is
lonely and has been forced to turn to foliage for comfort since her parents were
probably too busy drinking and watching Michael Moore documentaries to tend to
her emotional needs. Already we see that this impressionable young girl has literally been transformed into a tree-hugging hippie.

Obviously still shackin’ up, Maple’s parent’s found
themselves pregnant with another “whisper.” You will also notice the subtle
disappearance of color from the parents’ wardrobe. This is indicative of the
drab clothing of communism or perhaps even the final stages of cult
assimilation. If you were waiting for an invitation to the child’s forthcoming
baptism I wouldn’t hold your breath.

In the book’s finale, it is revealed that Maple’s sister was
named Willow and also had a tree planted in her honor. From the illustration, the
two unsupervised children are left to fend for themselves while their godless
hippie parents struggle to exploit the Federal government's welfare infrastructure.

While we are not provided with a proper epilogue, I think we
all know how these stories end:

Maple, having dropped out of high-school to pursue exotic
dancing full-time, has borne three children by as many men. She finds only
scant comfort in her Wiccan coven and or the narcotics she pilfers from a few
of her regulars. Her tree was lost to fire when her mom dropped a lit spliff
during an unusually-dry summer.

Willow has fared slightly better and even managed to turn a
small profit by selling hemp undergarments at Burning Man which led to some
freelance writing work with The Huffington Post. Despite these modest gains,
she becomes fascinated by radical Islam and before long finds herself on
the ground floor of the Syrian caliphate. Her tree still stands and is
occasionally used to burn Ronald Reagan in effigy.

Maple and Willow’s parent’s continue to avoid both personal
responsibility and patriotism. They separated briefly when Maple and Willow’s
father began a tertiary carnal relationship with a 19-year old named Conifer he
met at an Occupy Wall Street rally.