Doctors Will Build Man A New Penis From His Arm, A Porn Super Hero May Be Born

Andrew Wardle, a 39-year-old British man, will go under the knife this summer to turn skin, muscle and nerves from his forearm into a fully-functioning penis. Wardle was born with a multitude of birth defects, but none more significant than being born without a rig. Over the years, doctors have been able to correct most of these birth defects, as well as provide Wardle with a sensation-less plastic tube that he could use for urination. But now doctors will build from scratch a natural looking penis that can pass urine, have feeling, and make sex possible for Wardle. I wonder if he gets any say on the dimensions of the penis. “Uh yeah, I’d like it to be about 9 ½ inches, extremely vascular, and I want it to dog-leg to the right upon arousal. Thanks Doc.”

The doctors will take a large patch of skin from his forearm, roll it into a tube, and graft it to his pubicle region to give Wardle a penis for the first time in his life. That sounds easy enough. I’m going to call my doctor right now and see how fast I can get a second one built. I want it to look like a two-headed dragon the next time I drop trou.

Growing up without a penis must have been about as enjoyable as a shotgun blast to the sternum, but don’t feel too sorry for Wardle. He claims to have been with more than 100 women, which makes me want to play tic-tac-toe on my forearm with a rust-covered razorblade. 100 women with no junk is almost as impressive as Wilt Chamberlain’s 20k. Imagine the numbers he could have put up if he was packing a rubbery strap-on or one of those pocket gadgets that Hillary Swank used in those hot sex scenes from Boys Don’t Cry.

Wardle said most of the time the women didn’t seem too bothered by his birth defect because they liked the fact he never expected anything in return. Never expected anything in return? How altruistic of him. A lesser man (me) would be down on all fours with his cheeks spread open begging for a prostate massage.

But not everyone was a fan of the missing member.

“Only once has telling a woman I don’t have a penis turned out badly. She got angry and punched me in the face.”

Wow, talk about adding insult to injury. She must have really wanted to get stuffed that night.

It was encounters like these that left Wardle on the verge of suicide just a few years ago, but his grim outlook on life changed when he went in for a checkup and his doctor told him about a new ground breaking procedure where doctors had successfully created a fully-functioning penis. The procedure he will go through is rare but has been done before. Just last month, a man from Scotland made headlines when he decided to undergo a similar procedure after losing his penis in a car accident. The man has completed the first of three surgeries and all signs are positive so far, which gives Wardle hope. “For the first time in years I feel brighter about the future.”

Look for Wardle to be out rupturing vulva in a neighborhood near you in the summer of 2014.