Bill: Of course, he wouldn't be the CHB if he didn't slandah at least one playah in any given column.

Doug: Don't you just love the irony of his accusing Manny of quitting for the year on August 21st juxtaposed with this line: "… we'd advise Matsuzaka to steer clear of the English language when he gets to the Hub. In Boston, most ballplayers are better off not knowing what is being said or written about them."

Doug: You know, not that Shank has any paht to play in that or anything.

Bill: No shit. Shaughnessy's like the O.J. of sportswriters. Alway innocent, always some othah guys calling playahs "pieces of filth."

Doug: Seriously. He ought to write a book like O.J. and call it "If I wanted to create a negative environment for ballplayers and run them out of town by writing column after vitriolic column, this is how I'd do it."

Bill: Meanwhile, as Shaughnessy and I'm sure every mealy mouthed Yankees fan you know has pointed out to you, we can no longah complain about the Yankees payroll.

Doug: Yes, yes, I've heard the reasoning: "OMFG. We've become what we hate about the Yankees blabbity blah blah."

Bill: As if payroll differences were the only thing separating the Red Sox and Yankees and by removing it we'll all sit down togethah to have tea and crumpets and discuss the infinite joys of the timeless game of baseball.

Doug: See that's just it. If all of a sudden I were transported to some bizzaro alternative world …

Bill: With hawt cylon bitches.

Doug: Different world this time, but I like the way you're thinking. Anyway, so if on this bizzaro alternative world the Red Sox are owned by a guy named George and they had a shortstop named Jetah, a 3rd baseman with bluelips and a tendency to choke, and a 1st baseman who's dick has been subsumed by his body because of steroid abuse and, meanwhile, in the bizarro Bronx, the Yankees are GM'ed by a smart, young, Jew, and the captain of their team is a feisty catcher with an ass all the girls yearn for and they have a knuckleballah with a heart of gold, you know what?

Bill: You'd still root for the bizzaro Red Sox.

Doug: Abso-effin-lutely I would. Because even in the bizarro world they'd be the Boston Red Sox and the othah guys would be the New York Yankees and I'm a Red Sox fan. End of story. Now getting back to this other cylon hawt bitch planet for a moment …

Comments

Oh God, that was a good strip, H.B.

But regarding the Skankee fans saying we're just like them now regarding payroll, I'd like to remind them that the difference between the Red Sox and the Skanks is still more than the entire payrolls of about 20 teams (roughly 80 mil).

Thanks for the babelfish link, Bob. lc-I particularly enjoyed the first line in translation: "The boyfriend of the hair of the genital organs is the behavior which becomes tired."

I am still scraping my jaw off the floor about OJ Simpson and this "If I Did It" book. The man has children- how does he justify "pretending" to describe the murder of their mother? Sociopath. Meanwhile, isn't he bound by the Son of Sam law (a purported ruling in his civil case)?

I think OJ does still owe them loads of dough. It would be incredible if they were paid up as a result of OJ's book sales. What would they do with that money? That'll be some of the dirtiest dough around, just astonishing. My jaw is dragging just the same as Natalie...it's almost too outrageous even to comment on.

Holy crap, I reverse translated what I posted on the babelfish link. Not often I laugh harder at something I (sort of) said than at what someone else says.

In the interest of complete disclosure, I used Google translator rather than babelfish. Here is what I wrote in English. Frankly, it doesn't sing like the babelfish reverse translation.

"Pubic Haired Boyfriend is a tired act. Shaugnessey ought to start writing Harlequin Novels if he wants me to boo hoo over himself. I refuse to read him, just getting a snippet from h.b. is enough to make me want to yack. D-Mothra forever!"

Mariah Carey, Vanessa Minnillo, and now ... Jessica Biel? Apparently, Derek Jeter has snagged yet another high-profile beauty: the Yankee captain and "The Illusionist" star Biel were spotted at Hollywood celeb-boite Hyde Tuesday night. They were "laughing and giggling together," according to Page Six <http://www.pagesix.com> , and Jeter massaged Biel's shoulders, say Rush & Molloy <http://www.nydailynews.com/news/gossip/story/471999p-397161c.html> .
The couple left the club together, though Jeter has also been spotted in New York the past week without Jessica.

Don't make me come over there, Rob... Let me assure you that I have all of my teeth, and they are glorious.

And made of wood.

Speaking of bizarro world, I ran into the one yankerfan in my office this morning and what does he say? "Heard you guys got that badass japanese pitcher- congratulations." I stood there stunned as he walked away. Then I realized he was trying to use his evil MFY mojo to jinx the whole situation.

Well, I suppose it was the poor man's Wonderjock after all...just the whities with a little stuffing. But can you blame your little Nakushimita for a little embellishment? And after all, you said you wanted to "seek out a little serpent" at that bar, didn't you? I know that I'll always remember that evening fondly. You had me at "$50". You had me at "$50".

im still on the bandwagon for daisuke but being a red sox fan its important to prepare for the down fall of this guy because deep in our hearts we all fear it. i hear the nick names for him being tossed about but if /when he does fail he want be mothra or ultraman he will be daisyduke. daisyduke ,daisuke i know its a bit of a stretch but when your half dyxlexic it kinda works. (proof read for your enjoyment by my 8 y/o son)

So, what's the over/under on a Mothra contract? Word is that Bore-Ass wants three years, $60 mil, and guaranteed free agency after the deal runs out. I bet the Sox offer something like $10-12 mil per year.

It is unwise to insult the tooth count of Mainers, as we are a surly lot. Besides, as everybody knows, the truly terrifying orthodontia is to be found in Cow Hampshire.

I have a really hard time believing that the Sox would pay $51 + $60 million for a three year deal. I'd see along the lines of 5 for $75 or even 6 for $90 million as being more likely. That $51 million is alone, as put by Joe Sheehan at BP, more than the Sox have paid for both Manny and Papi over the last two years. I can't imagine them signing him for any less than five years.