“Ok, Jennifer. You really need to stop calling me like this. I told you, my dad’s busy. Look, I gotta go. I have Joseph Kony on the other line for my sister.”

I realize the bumper sticker on the back of your SUV says that you’re proud parent of a terrific kid, but your kid’s parents aren’t Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie and they don’t get to walk a giant bulldog around New Orleans with a bodyguard so they probably want you to take that shit off. Gawd, why do you have to be so embarrassing all time? What the hell is wrong with you?!