Holding Secrets, Holding Sacred

Post card received by Post Secret, an online blog that people send anonymous post cards to with their secrets. (postsecret.com)

People tell me things, deep, painful, secret things. It’s part of the work of chaplains, why we exist. We are the conduit of their unburdening. This is a beautiful function of the human connection. Can you imagine it: healing a little just by sharing? How marvelous! We do it all the time, every day. When we tell our boyfriend how our day was, or complain to our best friend about our boss, we are healing through sharing through connection. We need each other to witness our lives and we witness for others. But because this is such a powerful need, we are sometimes afraid to share and afraid to witness the deep, hard, suffering parts. We don’t want to risk the connection. These are the burdens we keep and carry as secrets. We bottle them up inside. Or we bring them to chaplains and healers.

I didn’t understand sacred until this. Places were beautiful, even glorious, but not sacred. Objects were important, treasured, but not sacred. Ideas certainly were always worth arguing over, never sacred. But this, the connection, the healing, the unburdening, and sharing in the secret sufferings of others – this is sacred. To enter into and be with someone in their suffering, to see their burden, share their stories, and accept as a sacred blessing the deep, painful, secret moments of their lives, it is a holy thing. With all the suffering and darkness, also comes the light. Our greatest pains come wrapped in layers of hope. We hoped for love, but found rejection. We hoped for life, but found death. We hoped for success, but found failure. The flame dims to a flickering candle, but does not die. As we spin meaning from the story, the hope rekindles in a new way. To share in this is sacred beyond words.

My teachers tried to prepare me. They gave me knowledge and skills and modeled the practice. They may even have tried to convey this in words, but I did not know it until now. How can you tell a person who holds so little sacred that someday she would find her holy grail? How can you tell a person who has so often felt disconnected from others that someday she would honor connection above all things? How can you tell a person that her hope will come from stories of suffering? How can you tell a person who believes only in what she can see, touch, and reason for herself that the meaning others make from their own experiences will become more precious than all her hard-won knowledge? And that all these things she would value above the most holy temple, sacred relic, or profound scripture?

Secrets have a burden. Someone leaves my office lighter, but I go home a little heavier. Their secret is now my secret, their darkness is my darkness, their suffering is my suffering. This is the key to the trust and empathy necessary for unburdening. No one will share something if it will be used as a weapon against them. It is a burden I accept willingly because it does not end with me. My secret becomes the secret of another chaplain. They honor the trust of all my shared stories just as they honor my story, because they have become one and the same. I walk away lighter. With every link in the chain, the burden becomes lighter until it is no burden at all. Through this connection, humanity can share any load. We don’t always believe it, which is why our pains become our secrets, even though our secrets bring us pain. When we share that secret, it becomes sacred, transforming from pain into hope.

Beautifully expressed. Secrets held against one make that one a prisoner. Thank you for listening as people share their deepest secret pains, so their unburdened hearts can hear the truth that sets them free.

No matter how painful, traumatising or hurtful an experience was there will always be a deep blessing lying underneath the surface, sometimes it takes some time for us to heal before we can see the blessing and sometimes the blessing pops up straight away, that’s the magical balance of life and the universe

Reblogged this on julietteventer2014 and commented:
No matter how painful, traumatising or hurtful an experience was there will always be a deep blessing lying underneath the surface, sometimes it takes some time for us to heal before we can see the blessing and sometimes the blessing pops up straight away, that’s the magical balance of life and the universe

This meant a lot to me. I’ve recently realized that I don’t share anything with anyone. Even my best friends, I don’t share everything with because I don’t want to give anyone any material to use against me, but this is actually something I’m trying to work on. And like you said, all these secrets do burden me. Sometimes I feel like I’m trying to convince myself to tell them things I’ve kept to myself for years, but the longer I wait, the harder it is to tell them, but I feel like it should be the opposite. I think I’ve got so good at keeping my own secrets, that I’ll never reveal them, but we’ll see.

Powerful words. I too am scared of sharing for worrying it will be used against me or worse-shared with someone that shouldn’t know. Thank you for sharing your words. It’s amazing how similar we all are and we don’t even know it.

Thank you to everyone for your kind words and sharing your experiences of secrets. It would be wonderful if we all had at least one person in our lives with whom we could share our deepest secrets, but that’s not always the case. Safety and trust are sometimes hard to find. I think we used to have more of it when people lived in closer communities. Now we have to pay a therapist for it. This is why I became a chaplain and why my classmates are becoming chaplains. We see the need in the world and want to rise to meet it. Being a chaplain (or therapist) is about more than holding secrets, but that’s a big part of it. If not for the professional ethics of confidentiality and privacy, we would be unable to do our work because we would not be safe or trustworthy, either. Do you have anyone like that in your lives?

I dont think people have a problem sharing, I think they have issue finding someone to share with. You love yourself because you can see the true you in a mirror. Well, similarly, people love themselves and want to see the reflection of the love they exude in another. Only then can people trust that you wont abuse them and can understand them without judgement or malicious intent. What do you think? Let me shut up, I could keep going.

There was so much in this post that resonated with me – thank you for sharing your thoughts so beautifully. In the work I do I am often with people in their darkest moments, but when we are able to connect with one another, I swear you can feel a bit of lightness enter the space. It’s definitely a balancing act, though, which you articulated so well.

This is beautiful. As someone who kept a secret for many years, I am grateful to those who have listened and lightened the load I was carrying alone. I’m healing slowly and realizing that people still love you, and maybe love you even more, when you reveal your truths.

Thank you from the bottom of our hearts, from any one of us you have listened to. I don’t know you but you have made a difference in the life of someone like me I am certain. Thank you for taking the time to hear what was said (and not said) and to share the burden of that secret.

Reblogged this on Marie Abanga's Blog and commented:
I stumbled on this post when visiting the freshly pressed section of wordpress. I am glad I found it and it is most timely to me in particular. I took the decision to publish all my ‘secrets’ in a book title My Unconventional Loves: My Hurts, My Adulteries, My Redemption. Yes, I didn’t want to carry them anymore and felt I would share them with the world and not just a priest, chaplain or whoever! There is such liberation in that and I now feel ‘free’ to help others in their ‘secret journeys’!

So very true. As a nurse, I also am honored to be the conduit for connections, secrets and past memories. Empathy is an amazing connection…feeling sorry for someone is far different. Here’s an amazing quote: “In a three-to-five minute conversation with strangers, there are certain prompts which tend to uncover the most meaningful events in a person’s life. Our greatest stories tend to be coupled with a very strong emotion– whether that be happiness, fear, or sadness. ” ~ Brandon Stanton, Photographer, Humans of New York

Sharing is not easy. People don’t want any random person knowing their deepest darkest secret. It is really remarkable that you are one of those who are there to listen, to understand. And before I read your post I always had this question, where would people of your profession go when they want to talk .
I look forward to whatever you are going to write next.

This is the best take on secrets I’ve ever read. As someone who has had many secrets and eventually crumbled under them, I understand the burden you’re talking about. I’ve also experienced the healing that come from sharing our stories and realizing we’re not alone. It deepens our connection to each other. Thank you for sharing your insight.

“Someone leaves my office lighter, but I go home a little heavier.” This is how I feel.. and it becomes a burden on me.. and I feel guilty for feeling that way because I haven’t turned my pain into hope and so it all just piles up onto me. Good to know people understand x

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The Author

Monica is a decedent of cowgirls and bodhisattvas. She is a fifth-generation Nebraskan who followed the Dharma west to Los Angeles. She graduated from University of the West with a Master of Divinity in Buddhist Chaplaincy in May 2013. She is continuing her education at Claremont School of Theology in the Pracitical Theology PhD program on the spiritual care and counseling (chaplaincy) track. She also works at UWest as Institutional Effectiveness & Planning Officer (IEPO), Information Literacy Instructor, and a Volunteer Campus Chaplain. An avid writer and blogger, Monica hopes one day to make major contributions to the scant literature about the practice of Buddhist spiritual care and practical theology.

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