First Date – What’s Your Take?

For the first time, I met a guy through a friend. Let me give you some more details on that. He’s 34 years old. African American… And although told me he was 5’11, I’m pretty sure he’s closer to 5’7 because we were about the same height with my heels on (I’m 5’3)! I know for some of you, that’s neither here nor there – but I can admit (at the risk of seeming vain) that number one – tall guys tend to catch my eye (deep sigh), and number two – why lie?

So anyway – we exchanged photos and chatted via text and phone for about two weeks. During our first conversation he said, “I can tell I have to take a woman of your caliber someplace nice. I wanna take you to this nice restaurant I heard about in the city called The Lion.” Apparently a well-known chef opened the restaurant in the East Villageof New York City, and he had seen the chef on the Food Network (or a similar channel) and took note of his cooking style.

I canceled on him a couple of times due to competing obligations – and declined to go on a last minute date to a sports bar in my area. I was concerned. You live an hour away from me and just happen to be coming to a bar near me on a Saturday night? Yea ok. I couldn’t go because I was “out” with my daughter (at Wal-Mart, until we decided to go to the movies).

Fast forward to the date. A Tuesday evening in the city after work on a gorgeous Manhattan night. Temperatures in the 80’s. Sunny with a chance of thunderstorms. We’re meeting at this famed restaurant called The Lion. I wear a cute orange, lacy dress. Buttoned up to the neck, cinched at the waist, and flared at the hips – with beaded, open-toe high-heeled sandals. Lashes – check. Hair – check. Makeup – check. Before heading to the restaurant, I stop at a nail salon and get a manicure. (Okay.)

I walk up on him on the corner of 9th Street and Avenue of the Americas. He doesn’t recognize me because in the photos I sent I had short, cropped hair – now I have shoulder length, big, brown, layered hair. He almost tries to flirt with me – his mouth wide open, but I say with a coy grin, “Are you looking for me?” I could tell by the grin on his face that he was pleased.

During dinner, he talked a lot about HIMSELF. (Bad move guys! You’re supposed to ask leading questions to get her to open up to you!) He asked me about past relationships, and I respectfully answered, “I don’t want to talk about the past.” (Ladies!!! That’s a big NO-NO.)

He had a lot to say about his personal preferences and his disdain for fat women. “I just vibe better with women who are from urban areas. So the fact that you’re from Brooklynreally peaked my interest. My best relationship was with a girl from Brooklyn.”

“Country and suburban women just don’t do it for me. The way they act and dress is all wrong. I can’t walk around with a woman who doesn’t look good because then we’re just gonna have an in-the-house-relationship. I can tell you that now. And I can’t be with a woman I’m not attracted to.”

He continues, “I don’t do big women. If a woman is fat, I automatically know she’s in the “friend” category and all my messages and conversations will be geared toward “friendship,” because I know what I like and that’s not it. I have to be able to say to my friends “Yo, she bad, right?”

Okay.

Listening to him babble on – about how we may wind up writing out own wedding vows (he’ll write want he wants me to say about him so I can get it just right), and how we’ll write love poems to one another – oh, and how we’ll spend my upcoming August birthday having dinner overlooking a skyline, I assess him as small. Small-framed. (He doesn’t work out. Red Flag to me.) Short. 5’7 or so. I like that he has an ability to communicate, and apparently he’s ambitious because he tells me he owns his own business – something related to computer technology. He’s saying we’ll have dinner again soon, and I’m saying I’m open to that.

He was a bit rushed to get back to work. After dinner, he walked me to the corner, hailed a yellow cab, and paid in advance for my ride to New York Penn Station. That’s when I noticed his shoes. He was wearing designer denim jeans, a lavender, grey and white plaid button-down shirt, and brown leather loafers. Oh, and he was clean-shaven and bald-headed, with invisible-rimmed glasses.

As I stooped to get in the cab, he closed the door behind me. I was thinking “hmmmm… that was nice.”

He’s not the one for me though.

It’s two weeks after our initial outing. He’s written me love poems, planned my birthday outing and told me in no uncertain terms that I should “stop looking.” OKAY. But he’s sporadic and inconsistent. He’s also into playing games, which I have very little tolerance for. Case in point. He’ll say “I’ll call you at 9pm tomorrow.” I’m like “Okay.” 9pm passes. A day passes. And then I’ll get a love note. Really? You’re supposed to make sure I even like you first, before attempting to play games. LOL. Because I really don’t care – knowing from the initial meeting that our personalities probably wouldn’t gel well.

He did try to arrange dinner this week, but I had other obligations (tonight, I have a kickboxing session).

My practice has been to just tell the person before the second date that I don’t think we’re on the same page, especially when they start talking long-term (game or not), and especially when I’m annoyed early on.

But I’ve been told by male friends that I “look” for things that eliminate guys as potential relationship candidates, and that I’m too quick to cut people off. On the other hand, a female friend offered, “everyone deserves a second date – unless the first one was just horrible.” I won’t speak on whether or not I think their perspectives are correct — but I will say that while I don’t believe in wasting time, I could work on my patience. (So there!)

I know first encounters are awkward and although we try hard to put our best feet forward, it may not always work out that way.

So, what has been your experience with first dates – and deciding whether or not to go out with someone a second time? What do you take away from this post? What do you make of Alim?

42 replies

Okay let me go in on this just a little. It started off wrong from the first time you all met. He was about to flirt with you not knowing that you were the same person. (Have to be focused on the person you are meeting not on everyone else.) Secondly like you said him talking about just himself is a no no. Thirdly planning things already writing love poems? 0_o. Pump your brakes bruh. You are suppose to get to know each other first. Listen to what she have to say. Quote from Biggie Smalls ( What your interests are who you be with) not necessarily in that grammatical format but you got the picture. Next the give away was I’ll call at 9. No call till a day later? Things that make you go hmmmm. Then when he do call, no I’m sorry but this is what happened. Next he doesn’t date fat women. Alrighty then. That’s his preference. But still I say shallow. You never know what you have unless you give the person a try. She might be working on it. I myself have dated some who were fit and some who wasn’t. And the ones who wasn’t somehow got inspired to work on it. Finally my take on first date is Getting to Know You.

As always, good points! Initial dates are always about “getting to know you.” And I guess he needs to unlearn some courting tactics that may have been successful in the past. I forgot to mention that when we talked on the phone after he told me he could tell I had a “black girl booty.” I can obviously handle it, but geesh. Lol. Make sure the woman is feeling you first!

OMG! I got aggravated just reading about how shallow and self centered he was! I can see why you were not interested in another date…many men dont realize that although we like the physical (btw, I like tall guys too), but we are attracted in the long term to the mental and your conversation can make or break it. He said so many offensive things! OK, you dont like fat girls, but he really didnt need to tell you that..and lying of any sort is a deal breaker for me. Anyway, my take on first dates is that it should be an even exchange of getting to know each other…but what do I know, I havent been on a first date in a long time,lol

Lol. I’m glad you could relate! I think first dates should be light and positive too! And he had a LOT to say, that evening, and in subsequent conversations. I’m sure some women would appreciate that. I feel you re: tall guys!

I felt I was you on this date. First of all it’s a great read and I was hooked from the beginning to the end. I see your growth and I’m so proud of the woman you’ve become. I applaud you. I hear in this blog your children are priority. I hear in this blog your children aren’t some PEOPLE you “have to” deal with but people you “enjoy and want” to be with and everything else takes a back seat. That Is an awesome factor considering you were a young mom. I applaud you and I my eyes tear young Meka Meek. Not only are you young, you are gorgeous in every aspect. Some single mothers take that and roll with it making their children not a priority at all. Next you have always been a no nonsense chic. Now you sit back observe and analyze. Then I’m sure you mix that up w what we call life’s experiences ball it up and make wise decisions. I cannot be more happier for you. I’m sure all your sisters are proud as well as as ms. Nancy. In addition to the beautiful woman w priorities you have become, you are very intelligent. I remember when you would speak your little smart ass wisdom words and now you put them onto paper beautifully. This guy does not deserve you. Your words, “Next!” No love lost. “) xoxoxoxo

Awwww, this comment and insight is so special coming from someone who has known me from day one!! Thank you. You are a really careful, smart reader. You picked up on all the subtext – read between the lines. And you’re right and exact about my priorities and how I analyze situations through my life experience. That’s deep. And thank you for recognizing my growth. So happy you chimed in. Xoxo—!

Always enjoy your stories. The wonderful world of dating…ugh. I would not have wanted a second date either. Either you click or you don’t. Confidence is one thing but this guy seemed to be in a world of his own! Keep it moving P!

Lol. Thank you! I agree. His attitude is beyond confident. This isn’t in the post, but he also told me a woman’s sole role in this world is to make sure her man is content. And you already know—! I appreciate you chiming in!

Wow! What interesting fodder for your blog. I don’t fault the dude for being honest about his preferences in women but I think he was heavy-handed in his approach. It was far too soon to talk about love and marriage, to tell you to ‘stop looking’ (oy!!). I also think dinner was a little too much for an initial date. For me, I would opt for a cafe or a lounge; a relaxed environment where you can determine if the two of you can/will vibe. And that’s the point of a first date, to see if you can vibe with each other. Often, we try to make some some grandiose first impression on that initial encounter that we end up putting our foot in our mouth in some way.
I had a first date with a nice and attractive woman some time ago. I let her talk about herself; career, goals, plans to travel. And as she talks, I realize she’s not the one for me; even though we’re both ‘great people’. Sometimes, we date people who are not for us, or we’re not for them. The sooner we can make that discovery, the better for all involved,;)

Well-said. And it IS possible to tell from the initial encounter whether you vibe well or not. I think women tend to question more whether we’re being hasty, but if you KNOW, there’s no reason to give false hope. Interesting fodder indeed. I was leery of posting. Thanks!

hahahahaha I don’t even know where to start with this guy. He has violated so many game rules. Dinner dates, poems, talking bad about other women, not focusing the conversation on you, etc. This guy clearly has no idea how women work. Everything he did just says I’m desperate and will do whatever it takes to sleep with you. It won’t take a second date to figure that out. You just have to ask herself do you want to sleep with a simp? You flaked on him multiple times and he was still willing to roll out the red carpet for you. You could just put him in a trick bag, never sleep with him and get gifts from him. I can see him doing that all day.

Lolll. You have me cracking up! Oh, is THAT what he wants??? I didn’t even consider it! Talking marriage to a woman you don’t know is just highly suspicious anyway. Lol. I agree that he broke a lot of basic dating “rules” – enough to turn any smart woman off. Also talks about things his exes don’t like about him. I finally see why some men seek your services. But I give him credit for knowing a beautiful, classy woman when he sees one! Lol.

Ohh. 🙂 Well, when I wrote my piece, I did chuckle at prior discussions we had on your blog – things I know and sense from experience, books, etc. I guess when men write in to you, it’s similar to buying a self-help book – with the benefit of your slant being more than just bedding women, although I still get put off sometimes. *you’re welcome. (Now stop making me think. Thank you!)

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I'm a writer daylighting as a banker! I started this blog as a single woman in my 30s, and while it has blossomed to include conversations on spirituality and travel, the basic premise is still relationships. I like exploring love relationships (they're fascinating) and the idea that we take ourselves wherever we go (from relationship to relationship, city to city, country to country, etc.) So self assessment is always necessary for growth. And you know if I'm writing about relationships (romantic and otherwise), topics also include dating, lust, the single life, getting ready to be ready (for whatever kind of relationship you envision), etc.
Thanks for joining me on this journey. If we're doing it right, expansion is ongoing. We never stop. This blog evolves, as I do. But -- I can only write from a woman's perspective, for us, and for those who love us.