Clean Your Filthy Brain With Wine

Your brain is a disgusting place, full of unspeakable thoughts you hope your parents never find out about and a shockingly sympathetic bent for batshit conspiracy theories. But a new study suggests there’s an easy way to “clean” your brain: drink two and a half glasses of wine a day. Before you get too excited though, a nightly chugalug of the juice won’t save you from your penchant for flat earth theories, but it will help remove “waste products from the brain that are associated with dementia.”

According to a recent article in the Daily Mail, the study was performed by researchers at the University of Rochester and is the first of its kind. For the study, mice were given varying doses of ethanol: low (0.5 g/kg), intermediate (1.5 g/kg), and high (4 g/kg). Which, seems kinda cruel but in like a fun, cool way. Call it crool.

The researchers found that the low dose of ethanol—equal to two and a half five-ounce glasses of 12 percent ABV wine for a person weighing 70kg (154lb)—was actually beneficial to the cleaning out all the gunk in the brain. Going past the low dose though, the study found that intermediate doses “[reduced] mice’s ability to clear waste from the brain,” with higher doses “[inhibiting] waste removal.”

The article notes that there is no mention in the study of whether red or white has a more beneficial effect. It also makes no mention of what type of wine is best for squeegeeing the brain. But given that the study calculated for 12 percent ABV wine, I’m gonna go out on a limb and say they are talking about some of that fresh natty good-good instead of the mega-estate, pesticide-riddled secret sauce with an artificially high alcohol content. Maybe I’m just projecting.