www.mikethrasherpresents.com
for complete details and info on how to
get your tickets early

NOTES

lovenotes@portlandmercury.com

is that we have finally elected a leader that
is smart enough to know that he should
spend his last four years in office preparing us for what may be the most difficult
century the world has faced yet.
George

LETTERS MAY BE EDITED FOR SPACE

SUZETTE SMITH

TURBULENT INDEED
RE: “Keith Hennessy/Circo Zero: Turbulence” [TBA Blog, Sept 12], a rather
appalled response to one of the most controversial performances in this year’s
Time-Based Art Festival.
DEAR MERCURY—Totally agree with
your review of Turbulence (A Dance
About the Economy). The entire performance was riddled from beginning
to end with art-school clichés, such as:
dramatically taking all your clothes off;
running laps around the audience; speaking in tongues; pretending to be hippies;
wrestling; screaming, “I’m Zazu!”; telling the audience, “Well, whenever you
want to leave is okay.” Who is validating
this middle school-grade “art”? Halfway
through the night, during a group discussion period about debt and the economy,
someone in the audience yelled out, “I
want to hear a woman talk!” Julie Phelps
then made a tasteless joke in which she
lifted up her dress, pointed to her vulva,
and said on the mic, “Well, I’m talking
and I’m a woman.” Guess what, Julie? In
Portland we don’t define gender by genitals! This regurgitation of Burning Man
missed the mark.
Joni Renee

BE ASHAMED
DEAR MERCURY—As a yearly visitor over
the last 14 years, I think Portland should
be ashamed of itself. Seeing the amount of
homeless people begging for dimes and food
on street junctions is an absolute disgrace.
This is a fine city, progressive in lots of ways,
if only the powers that be could and sort out
this problem. Portland should show the rest
of the USA what can and should be done to
help and sort out people’s lives. How long
before the city (to quote Bruce Springsteen)
takes care of its own?
Brian

1624 N.W. Glisan St. • Portland • 503-223-4527

McMenamins and kboo present

The

DEAR MARK LORE—Cons: They are partly to blame for horrible, horrible nu-metal.
Anthrax side project S.O.D. is better. Pros:
They are totally not responsible for the domestic terrorism incident of late 2001. Last
year’s album was really good.
Isaac Hudson
YOU WIN, JOHN. YOU WIN.
RE: Up & Coming [Music, Sept 6], in which
Willie Nelson’s performance at the Sleep
Country Amphitheater is previewed with
a list of heroic factoids about the musical
icon, including that he once hid his guitar,
“Trigger,” when the IRS tried to “repossess
his shit.”

THE PROS AND CONS OF ANTHRAX
RE: Up & Coming [Music, Sept 13], in which
Anthrax’s performance at the Roseland Theater is previewed with tepid positivity.

TO THE MERCURY VIA VOICEMAIL—Hi
Erik, my name is John Neff, and I have a
studio over here at Sonic Media Studios. I
got a kick out of your write-up on Willie NelUNCHANGED
son, but one point was wrong, in that his guiRE: “Hope No More” [Feature, Sept 13], in tar “Trigger” was in fact seized by the IRS.
which author Andrew R Tonry attends and re- I know that because I had a studio in Maui
flects on the Democratic National Convention. with Walter Becker at the time, and Willie
came up to record there, and I loaned him
HI—I appreciated Obama’s message in his two of my guitars for about six months, one
convention speech. He did lose US Con- of which he signed in payment.
gress to the Republicans, not because of
any fault of his own, but rather because WOW, JOHN, you already have the best
America has developed a tendency to make prize of all, but we offer you two tickets
a scapegoat of our leaders, and as soon as to the Laurelhurst Theater anyway out
a new one assumes power we tend to swing of respect for your bragging rights. Use
away from that administration. The public ’em before the IRS can get their mitts
generally cannot be trusted to make deci- on them!
sions for itself because we desire instant
gratification over gradual progress. In
COVER ART:
Obama’s case, I don’t think he is stupid
Phyllis Galembo
enough to disregard these facts. Only time
galembo.com
will tell, but Obama seems to be smart
enough to know that America needs to face
This photo and many
some hardships in the immediate future if
more at Blue Sky
we are going to adapt to what is appearing
Gallery (122 NW 8th)
to be a global economic meltdown. My hope
this month.
portlandmercury.com

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4 Portland Mercury September 20, 2012

ONE DAY AT A TIME

NE W

COLUMN!

W H AT D O T H E Y B E LI E V E ?

THE WEEK IN REVIEW by Ann Romano

KRISTIAN DONALDSON

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 11

Late today Islamist militants—such nice people!—attacked an American diplomatic mission
in Libya, killing US Ambassador J. Christopher Stevens and three members of his staff.
According to reports, the furious rocket-fi ring
mob was inspired to launch the attack because
of an American-made video depicting the
Prophet Muhammad as a buffoonish child molester. This same video has reportedly sparked
similar attacks and protests throughout the
region, and could possibly incite a holy war. So
what’s up with this video? Titled Innocence of
Muslims, the ridiculously amateurish, racist,
and worst of all, not-funny-in-the-least minifi lm is the brainchild of fi lmmaker Sam Bacile
(real name Nakoula Basseley Nakoula), who
fi rst identified himself as an “Israeli-born realestate developer”—except that Israel has no
record of him, and no one with that name holds
a real estate license in California. As it turns
out, according to Wired, Nakoula is a scam artist who’s used at least 14 pseudonyms (including “Kritbag Difrat,” “Ahmed Hamdy,” and
“PJ Tobacco”) and went to prison on charges
of bank fraud, for opening accounts with false
names and using stolen Social Security numbers. The unfortunate actors involved with
Innocence claim that they were only given a
few lines at a time to perform, and upon seeing the video, discovered their voices had been
overdubbed with more provocative, insulting
language. Backing from the fi lm came from
evangelical organizations (surprise!) including the anti-Islamic group Courageous Christians United that also runs a paramilitary
militia (surprise!) out of a church in California.
When contacted by the AP, Nakoula denied
having anything to do with the fi lm. “I’m a gas

THIS WEEK ON

PORTLANDMERCURY.COM

station worker,” he lied. “I didn’t work on it,
I know nothing about it. They need to blame
someone.” At least he’s telling the truth on that
last point. While radical Islamists rarely need
a reason to senselessly attack and murder—
apparently this ridiculous parody will do until
something better comes along.

The 2012 election is heating up, and here’s a chance to test your
knowledge before we’re thrown into the ﬁre! Below is a series of
statements, each one of which can be attributed to:

A.
A.

Barack
Obama

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 12

EEEEEEEEEEE!!! Is it finally true?? According to London tabloid The Sun, hunky
man o’ our dreams George Clooney has unceremoniously DUMPED ugly string bean
former wrestler Stacy Keibler, and… goddammit. “IT’S NOT TRUE,” says a Clooney rep.
“The story is a total fabrication designed to
sell newspapers.” :( Sniff. We hate publicists so
much right now.

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 14

After a week as wacky as hers, what other shenanigans could Amanda Bynes possibly be up
to? Let’s check in and see—oh. Oh, dear. “TMZ
has spoken with a number of people who have
had repeated contact with Bynes over the last
few months, and the stories are consistent and
disturbing,” the site reports, adding that people from Bynes’ West Hollywood gym, Equinox, have noticed the “dazed” starlet displaying
“increasingly alarming signs of delusional
behavior.” When she’s on the elliptical, according to one source, she’s been “laughing hysterically for no reason,” while someone who
lives in Bynes’ condominium complex claims
to have seen her “having long conversations
with inanimate objects.” Oh, to be a flowerpot
in Amanda Bynes’ condominium complex! The
secrets it must know. MEANWHILE… Across
the pond, the duke and duchess of Cambridge—
better known to uncouth yanks as Prince William and Kate Middleton—are suing French
magazine Closer for publishing topless photos
of Kate! “The complaint concerns the taking of
photographs of the duke and duchess of Cam-

Mitt
Romney

C.
Neither
N
+
Good
Go luck!

1. I believe God impregnated a virgin with His seed and produced His only
son, whom God then allowed to be cruciﬁed to teach people a lesson.
2. I believe Jesus was seen walking around in North America in the 1800s.

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 13

Ohhhhh-kay, there’s a distinct possibility we’re
going to need that nausea medicine again. Here’s
the headline from azcentral.com: “Lindsay Lohan Films Sex Scene with Charlie Sheen.”
Oh… god. Perhaps the details will make us feel
better! Against Hollyweird’s better judgment,
they’re letting LiLo act in another fi lm—this
one being Scary Movie 5, which also co-stars
former tiger-blood enthusiast Charlie Sheen—
but of course it hasn’t been going well. According to the New York Post, Lindsay did not
appreciate the script’s biting humor (which
poked fun at her
less-than-stellar
reputation), and
actually tried to get
out of the movie by
blowing off script
revision meetings,
table read i ng s ,
and wardrobe fittings. And when
that didn’t work?
She even allegedly
tried to get a docSHEEN SEX
tor to write a note
saying she had walking pneumonia. Unsurprisingly, Lindsay’s publicist denies these reports (uh-huh… surrrrrrre) but they must have
worked something out, because today our fave
fucked-up starlet was back on the set and having fake on-camera sex with Charlie Sheen.
BLARFFF!! (Omigod. Worst anti-nausea medication… EVER.)

B.
B.

3. I believe women are entitled to equality, on earth and in the afterlife.
4. I believe not even the most righteous woman can enter the kingdom
of heaven without her husband, who must physically pull her through the
veil of life into the Celestial Kingdom.
5. I believe a Botoxed old man with a habit of saying dumb and/or boring
things is a perfect choice for vice president.
6. I believe Satan is more powerful in water.
7. I believe Allah called me to overthrow the ﬁlthy US government for the
glory of Islam.
8. I believe truth is something you invent with your mouth.
Answer key: 1. A; 2. B; 3. A; 4. B; 5. A; 6. B; 7. C; 8. B.

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 10

Where is it… where is it… where… oh! Hello,
dears. Just looking for our nausea medication,
and—ah! Here it is. Okay, all ready. Let’s begin. Today’s top headline from TMZ: “Kanye
West Watched Kim K Sex Tape While Banging Other Chicks.” Wow. Okay, we’re going to
need to take some more medicine. Continuing.
According to this
stomach- churning
article, before Kanye
began dating the
grotesque slithering
monstrosity known
as Kim Kardashian,
he would watch the
sex tape she made
with then-boytoy
Ray J in order to
“get him in the
mood”—while havBLARFF!
ing sex with other
women. We just… we just don’t… BLARFF!!
(There’s not enough Dramamine in the world to
make us continue this story!) MEANWHILE…
In junior varsity Lindsay Lohan news, former teen actress Amanda Bynes—star of
the cancelled Nickelodeon show All That, and
heiress apparent to the LiLo throne—was photographed parked in front of a San Fernando
Valley Baja Fresh restaurant, allegedly toking on a marijuana one-hitter and “chowing
down on tacos.” The New York Daily News
reports the star was then seen driving erratically, stopping for a three-hour spa treatment,
and then toking up again in the parking lot of a
Home Depot. In response, Lindsay Lohan said,
“I like the form and the follow-through… but
next time I’d like to see a crack pipe and a guest
appearance from Taco Bell.”

The 2012 Presidential Candidates:

bridge whilst on holiday and the publication of
those photographs in breach of their privacy” a
spokesperson said, making sure to use “whilst”
when she didn’t really need to. But oi! That’s
a right lot of bullocks, says Closer’s lawyer,
Delphine Pando! According to the BBC, Pando
“said that topless photographs were no longer
considered shocking in modern society.” “Wait,
what!” Hubby Kip shouted when he saw we
were writing about Kate Middleton’s breasts.
“Google image search it, Annie! Google image
search it!” Here, dear. Knock yourself out. We
need a martini break before we have to write
about what happened on Sunday, anyway.

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 15

Today in Music News™, the new judges for
American Idol have been announced! Diva
Mariah Carey, hiphop star Nicki Minaj, and
country singer Keith Urban w ill join boring ol’ Randy Jackson this season, and we
can’t wait to see how
this lineup… how
it… and… ugh. We
couldn’t even bring
ourselves to finish
that sentence, dears.
MEANWHILE… In
other Music News™,
professiona l jerk
Chris Brown got
a new neck tattoo…
of something that
looks quite a bit
JUDGE MARIAH
like the horrifying
photos of Rihanna that leaked after Brown
brutally beat her. “His tattoo is a sugar skull
(associated with the Mexican celebration Day
of the Dead) and a MAC cosmetics design he
saw,” Brown’s spokesperson, who surely has
no problems sleeping at night, told TMZ, totally not thinking about how ashamed their
parents must be of them. “It is not Rihanna or

WATCH THE MERCURY ’S MAYORAL HALF-OFF FLOWER
DEBATE! ON BLOGTOWN! BOUQUETS! MERCPERKS.COM
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an abused woman.” Regardless: Stay classy,
Chris, you prick. MEANWHILE… In even
more Music News™, protesters have been
sneaking into London music stores to covertly put a sticker on Brown’s new album, Fortune. The stickers? “WARNING: DO NOT
BUY THIS ALBUM! THIS MAN BEATS
WOMEN.” Good on you, Brits! That’s the
first non-idiotic bit of Music News™ we’ve
heard whilst writing this whole column.

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 16

“These girls just don’t like each other,”
someone close to the American Idol production has blabbed to TMZ, which claims that
during today’s Idol taping, whenever “Nicki
started critiquing a contestant, Mariah
would interrupt—not once, but many times.
Each time Mariah interrupted, Nicki fought
back by loudly talking over Mariah.” “Wait,
what?” Hubby Kip shouted. “Lemme see that!
Is there a catfight? Meow! Hiss! Lemme see,
babe! Lemme see—oh. Lame. That’s not even
a good catfi ght.” And that’s what makes it so
appropriate for American Idol, dear. Now
give us back our laptop. MEANWHILE… Apparently Lindsay Lohan has decided to talk
smack about… Amanda Bynes? “Why did I
get put in jail and a nickelodeon star has had
NO punishment(s) so far? +” LiLo whined to
her 4,297,326 followers before getting passive
aggressive: “There are moments that I appreciate my life experiences, living without
regrets and Disney for supporting me as an
actress- night all*” “Wait, what?” Hubby Kip
shouted, running back into the room and ripping our laptop from our hands. “Starlet catfight? Meow! Hiss! Lemme see, babe! Lemme
see! Maybe they’ll wrestle and pull each
other’s hair and….” Sigh. It’s all yours, dear.
Actually, come to think of it… maybe someone
who enjoys talking to inanimate objects would
be perfect for you.

We Asked, Feds Spoke: Our Cops Rough up the Mentally Ill by Denis C. Theriault and Sarah Mirk
IN THE END, there was nothing else to do. investigators, police are more afraid of people
For years, the tally of mentally ill Port- with mental illnesses than police in other citlanders beaten, gratuitously Tasered, or ies. They’re also derogatory, routinely refershot dead by police officers has only grown. ring to people as “mentals.”
Reports filled with recommendations on
how to stem that tide and rebuild community trust have piled up to no avail.
Police union leadership balked at taking any responsibility, even marching en
masse in defense of Chris Humphreys, the
officer who shot a 12-year-old girl with a
beanbag gun. And police brass only nibbled
at change, rightly blaming the incidents on
the collapse of funding for mental health
care but remaining unwilling—even in recent years—to commit to common-sense
reforms like specialized crisis-incident
training and tightened Taser policies.
Finally, last Thursday, September 13, the
WILDER SCHMALTZ
US Department of Justice (DOJ)
told everyone to knock it off. After a nearly 15-month investigation, the feds ruled that Portland
cops routinely use excessive
force against the mentally ill—a
pattern that’s unconstitutional
and must change.
That finding came with
-Department of Justice letter to Mayor Sam
many of the same reforms
that community groups and advocates
• Officers can get away with using exhave long demanded.
cessive force. Investigators found shoddy
The difference, this time? A federal court oversight of use-of-force incidents, including
can make sure the police bureau, and its union officers not taking reports from witnesses
leaders, are listening.
(including the person against whom the force
“There have been lots of recommen- was used), not taking pictures of injuries, sudations, and there has been a lot of push- pervising officers approving their own use of
back—for years,” says Mayor Sam Adams, force, and not resolving differences between
who joined Commissioner Dan Saltzman officers’ and witnesses’ stories. Out of a rein formally asking the feds to step in more view of hundreds of use-of-force cases, inthan two years ago—bowing to community vestigators found that—surprise!—the force
pressure and realizing that real change in was rarely deemed out of line, even when it
Portland would never come from within. was clearly excessive. For example, trainers
“The reason I asked for this is because at were using Officer Chris Humphreys’ controthe end of the process, what [the DOJ] de- versial 2009 beanbag shooting of a 12-yearcides becomes what [Portland police lead- old girl as a good case of using force.
ers] have to do,” Adams said.
• The police accountability system is
The Mercury talked to local advocates “self-defeating.” The feds really rip into
and national experts to look not only at the the police bureau’s insanely complex proproblems and fixes found by the feds, but cess for reviewing complaints about use of
also the political and financial realities that force, calling the multi-step process “byzcould still get in their way.
antine” and making fun of the spider web
of a flowchart that’s supposed to explain
THE PROBLEMS
the system. Complaints against officers go
• The police lack training. Right now, the through so many layers of bureaucracy that
police bureau gives every cop only 40 hours it undercuts the efficiency and accountabiliof mental health training, while they’re still ty of the force overall. The Independent Poin the police academy. That was supposed lice Review Division dismisses two-thirds
to be a response to the 2006 beating death of all complaints (66 percent) without even
of James Chasse Jr., a man suffering from a cursory internal affairs investigation.
paranoid schizophrenia. But this assumes ofTHE SOLUTIONS
ficers are all created equal when it comes to
dealing with people in crisis. They’re not. For • Inject the system with expertise. The
example, investigators talked with one officer feds want the police to create a specially
who said his job is to “put people in jail, not trained volunteer team to deal with people
provide social services.” The report notes: in acute crisis—kind of like a SWAT team
“This officer would not be the appropriate of- for mental crises. Portland used to have a
ficer to conduct a welfare check on a person unit like that, but it was considered a punwith mental illness.” The feds also criticized ishment for officers, not a prize, like the
the current training for not including any in- city’s tough-guy tactical team. Further,
teractions with real-life Portlanders in recov- the bureau has been told to grow its Projery, and for failing to open up the training to ect Respond experiment—which currently
advocates. Because of this lack of contact, say pairs a cop with a clinician, but only down-

town during the day shift—into a 24-hour,
citywide operation. Underlying everything
is the demand for a full-time triage center
where cops can drop off people in crisis.
The county has just opened a treatment facility of its own, but several cops “ironically—and tragically” told investigators they
didn’t even know the place’s phone number.
• Prize de-escalation over brute force.
Report after report in recent years has
urged the cops to stop using beanbag pellets and Tasers—50,000-volt stun guns that,
the feds note, can kill someone—on people
who merely display the “intent” to resist an
officer [“Juicing the Debate,” News, March
15], whatever that means. The feds have
joined those reports, and they’ve also told
our cops to stop cycling their Tasers over
and over when they shock someone, without making sure the first one or
two cycles did the job.
• Simplify the complaint
process! The feds are clear on
this: “Complaints of excessive
force should always be subject
to investigation and a finding.”
That means no more early disAdams missals. And by shrinking a
timeline for investigations that
can take years, the bureau would send a
more immediate message to officers about
unacceptable conduct.

“It's not surprising... that officers
are using Tasers excessively and
inappropriately, given the state of
confusion among those responsible
for reviewing uses of force.”

6 Portland Mercury September 20, 2012

THE REALITY
Adams, in wholeheartedly accepting the
feds’ findings, is working to turn what should
be a shameful moment for the city into another marketing opportunity. He wants to
position Portland as a national laboratory
for devising the best ways of managing cops’
interactions with the mentally ill.
But soon he’ll be passing off the job to
another mayor, who may have different
ideas on who should run the police bureau
(as in, not Mike Reese). The police union,
the Portland Police Association (PPA), has
endorsed one of the two mayoral candidates, Jefferson Smith. And experts warn
that, even with a federal court ordering
deep reforms, coming up with the money to
fully fund them remains a challenge.
The cost may add up to millions Portland doesn’t have. Big issues include how
to pay for a new triage center—and how
much the city will have to spend buying off
the PPA during next year’s contract talks.
Almost immediately after the press conference, the PPA adopted a “pay me” stance.
Adams says he hopes to ride federal and
state health care reform and that he’s insisted on joining meetings in Salem on the
issue. He also hopes voters wake up and
understand just how “cash-starved” our
mental health system is. But he’s still working on how to pay for what emerges.
All the same, Jo Ann Hardesty, who
sits on the steering committee of one of
the groups that first pleaded for a federal probe, the Albina Ministerial Alliance
Coalition for Justice and Police Reform
(AMA), had one word to describe how she
felt about the report: “giddy.”

Comment on these stories at portlandmercury.com

Hall
Monitor

NEWS

Fritz Gnashes Her Teeth
by Denis C. Theriault
CITY COMMISSIONER Amanda
Fritz has been on my mind over the
past week, ever since she almost broke
down into tears during her heartfelt,
well-reasoned—and clearly agonizing—decision in favor of fluoridating
Portland’s water supply.
She said yes, making the decision
surprisingly unanimous, despite serious beefs with the rushed public process propelling the fluoride push. In
the end, while Fritz acknowledged the
concerns raised by fluoride opponents,
she said she had no choice but to honor
the community groups and people of
color who told her that refusing fluoride would be a blow to her cherished
mantra of “equity.”
By all accounts, it was one of the most
political decisions she’s made in her
nearly four years on the council.
But this time, she had no choice. Fritz
is in a tight runoff against Mary Nolan,
the much-better-funded state representative who came out very early in favor
of fluoride. The starkest question for
Fritz was which stance would cost her
the most votes.
Saying yes to fluoride, something she
did with as much nuance and decency as
possible, has already lost Fritz some of
the supporters who helped her squeak
ahead of Nolan in May, political observers note. The speech justifying her
stance was exactly the kind you’d want
an elected official to give—whether you
agreed or not. But some of Portland’s
most die-hard fluoride opponents have
told Fritz they’re compelled to send a
message to the only city commissioner
up for reelection. Nothing personal.
They won’t vote for Nolan; they’ll just
sit the race out.
But as costly as her yes vote may have
been, Fritz seemed to figure out that saying no to fluoride in favor of a public vote
(which I get the sense she might have
done if the decision were purely personal) would have been much worse. She
would have betrayed the trust of groups
like the Urban League of Portland, and
also given Nolan an extremely large club
to wield in what promises to be another
blitz of campaign ads this fall.
The whole thing was unseemly for
Fritz, who (in)famously loathes relying
on the brutal calculus of politics when
making up her mind.
I can’t help but wonder if that’s part
of what Randy Leonard, fluoride’s chief
backer, had in mind. Leonard is a client
of Mark Wiener, the political consultant
who’s also advising the fluoride push.
Mary Nolan is also a client. I asked Leonard about that long before the vote. He
scoffed. Fritz “should be thanking me,”
he said, for the chance to vote in favor of
something so beneficial to our kids.
Maybe she would, if she’d won outright in the spring. But not now.

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September 20, 2012 Portland Mercury 7

8 Portland Mercury September 20, 2012

SEXUAL POLITICS

OregonHumane.org

IT’S NOT A PISSING CONTEST
BY SARAH MIRK

I

WAS at Floyd’s Coffee Shop on NW
Couch last week, glumly fulfilling my daily
bagel-consumption quota, when something
excellent happened.
A customer flagged down the barista and
politely asked to speak to a manager. He
came over quickly and the customer quietly
questioned whether Floyd’s could change its
two single-stall male and female bathrooms
into gender-neutral bathrooms.
The manager’s reply?
“Awesome idea! Thanks for suggesting
it!” He seemed sincerely stoked that someone had raised the issue. His swift enthusiasm for the idea is rare, and it made me
reflect on how stupidly squeamish I can be
about unisex bathrooms.
Whether we take a piss behind a door that
says “male,” “female,” or “whatever” seems like
such a small thing. We think of bedrooms as
contested gender territory, not bathrooms. But
it’s a big deal for a lot of people. And even in
the progressive frontier of Portland, we get a
little delicate about the idea.
Both Reed College and Portland State
University moved forward on creating public
gender-neutral bathrooms in a major way just
last spring, when both institutions staged their
first gender-neutral conversions of multi-stall,
non-dorm bathrooms.
A couple days after the Floyd’s incident, I
was surprised to find how awkward I felt using the all-gender bathrooms at Time-Based
Art, the contemporary arts fest that wrapped
up its performance blitz at the old Washington High School last weekend. TBA is all
about pushing boundaries. Previously that
night, I had paid $30 to witness the bare ass
of a German man dancing on a table while
another performer made out onstage with a
stranger she’d selected from the audience.
But it was peeing in private in the general
vicinity of male artgoers that gave me pause.
More proof that human prudishness doesn’t
color between rational lines; we get weird
about weird things.
I’ve gone the other way before, too, jumping to the conclusion that bathrooms are
unisex when they’re not. My first time at Holocene’s queer dance night Gaycation, I was
trying to figure out which bathroom to use and
thought it was clever that the bar had marked
their restroom doors with shapes resembling

In Other News

R E ST R O OM
SCRAPPERS

ink blots. How forward thinking! Your gender
is a Rorschach test! Genius! Or: Drunk! Clearly drunk, because hidden in the ink-blot-like
door splotch was the letter B, as in Boy, which
I only figured out after embarrassing some
definitely male-identified dude at the urinal. I
was mortified, too.
The point here is we—as people, as a
city—should have become cool with unisex
bathrooms a long time ago. Hell, we all grew
up with unisex bathrooms in our homes. In
public places, they’re way more efficient that
divided-gender restrooms and they’re friendly for the thousands of Portlanders who don’t
think of themselves as either male or female.
The vague sense of unease I (and certainly
others) feel about mixed restrooms is clearly
outweighed by the needs of genderqueer
people to not feel constantly alienated every
time they try to take a piss. It’s a small thing
to want, really.
Creating more gender-neutral bathrooms
in regular places has become a major campaign for transgender allies. The San Francisco-based “Bathroom Liberation Front” runs a
rad website, safe2pee.org, that maps genderneutral bathrooms in pretty much every city in
America. Portland has an extensive user-created map of “gender-free” bathrooms, including the recently installed Portland Loos and
that one in the SE Hawthorne Powell’s that
has the best graffiti in town.
As for Floyd’s, its SE Portland location is
on the list and its NW Couch café might soon
be, too. Floyd’s owner Jack Inglis says via
email that he made the bathrooms gender specific because he thought it was required under
county health code.
“I would like to know if we could fix this, as I
have always wanted to make them [unisex],” he
writes. Good news: The county health department says there’s nothing in the code requiring
gendered bathrooms. Unisex away, everyone!

by Mercury staff

“Viva Las Portland!” claims a satirical political action committee (PAC) supposedly composed of gamblers who support November ballot measures 82 and 83, which
would allow the construction of a non-Indian casino between Portland and Troutdale.
The casino sponsors have downplayed the
casino aspect of their planned development,
opting to focus ads on the hotel, water slide,
and movie theater that will accompany the
project. “These measures will create desperately needed opportunities for Portland’s struggling pawn shops, bankruptcy
attorneys, and repo men,” jokes Viva Las
Portland spokesman Noah Heller, in its
first (and potentially only) press release.
SARAH MIRK
Happy birthday, Occupy! Portlanders
traveled to New York and also staged an
anniversary rally on Portland’s Eastside to
celebrate one year since the first Occupy

NEWS

Wall Street protest in New York. Occupy
has quieted down in Portland over the past
few months, holding meetings and planning
events from its headquarters in Southeast
Portland’s Saint Francis Church that are
more low-key than last winter’s frequent
marches and rallies. SM

Creative services donated by Leopold Ketel & Partners.

Commissioner Randy Leonard is about as
far from the image of “marijuana advocate” as one could imagine, but last week
the about-to-retire politician came out in
favor of Measure 80, the pot legalization
measure headed to the November ballot.
Leonard argues that prosecuting marijuana crimes eats up money that could be
used for more important services, like having police focus on more dangerous drugs.
“I don’t smoke marijuana,” said Leonard.
“But in all seriousness, it’s always struck
me, why is it that alcohol is okay and marijuana is not?” DENIS C. THERIAULT
September 20, 2012 Portland Mercury 9

ON SEPTEMBER 22nd,
LOUIE PROVES HE’S A MAN
WHO’S NOT AFRAID OF COMMITMENT.
Louie’s Shoes for Men has gone all-in this year
with a massive expansion and a store all its own.
And, as with anything new and awesome,
we’re blowing the doors down with a giant party.
WHIFFIES PIES, live music from JUST LIONS, giveaways,
raffles and more.
Best part:

Are Portland’s Favorite Institutions
Actually “Portlandy”? Or Not “Portlandy” Enough?

I

an Exposé by Ian Karmel

GREW UP in Beaverton. Don’t you fucking judge me, I was
a child. Actually, don’t judge anyone from Beaverton, why the
fuck do you care? WHAT’S WRONG, GIRL, YOU DON’T LIKE
SHOPPING AT TARGET? When I was of proper education, I
attended Portland State University on a handsomeness scholarship [citation needed] and have lived in Southeast Portland since
completing my degree.
I know what you’re thinking: “Who cares? Get to the point. All of these
American Apparel ads kind of look like evidence in a high-profile sexy murder case.” I only bring it up to say this: I’ve lived in and around Portland,
Oregon, almost my entire life. When you live somewhere long enough, the
charms become banal, the eccentricities become obnoxious, and even the
best ideas seem to turn into hackneyed degenerations of their once-glorious
selves. For example, the first time you see a naked bike ride, it’s an invigorating display of the vitality of your dynamic bohemian city. The second time
you see a naked bike ride, it’s still pretty cool, but less romantic. You notice

DOUGHNUTS ARE SO
PORTLAND AS FUCK
I’m not a big fan of doughnuts, and I’m more of a “naked on the
internet for free” kind of person—but anytime I talk to someone about Portland, they bring up these two clichéd Portland
institutions. I never think about them, they just exist. They’re...
well, they’re exactly the kind of thing I was talking about in the
previous paragraphs… that’s why I wrote them. There are no accidents. Watch Loose Change, dude.
To examine these stalwarts, I’m going to experience them

more boob/wangs, and reflect on how it’s probably a pretty good day for
homeless dude boners. The third time you see a naked bike ride, you want
to plow into it with your car because these jolly naked fucks don’t seem to
give a flopping cock about stop signs. I’M LATE FOR WORK BUT YOU
WOULDN’T UNDERSTAND THAT BECAUSE YOU BUY COKE WITH
YOUR PARENTS’ MONEY AND FUCK OTHER PEOPLE WHO BUY COKE
WITH THEIR PARENTS’ MONEY. YOU’RE ALL HAVING CAREFREE
SEX WITHOUT ME. You know how we all have that exact same emotional
response, right?
Look, all I’m saying is at some point you stop being sad that the Velveteria
closed and start being stoked that a decent Hawaiian restaurant opened in its
place. The problem is, the more you favor the utilitarianism of Spam musubi,
the more your city slips through your fingers like so many delicious, tender
slices of Kalua pork. It is with this in mind that I embark on a quest to appreciate anew two Portland institutions I have long taken for granted: Voodoo
Doughnut and strip clubs.

anew, taking special care to be aware of everything going on
around me, and asking myself three questions:
Did I have fun?
How “Portlandy” is this place, really?
Should we be proud of it?
The first question is self-explanatory. The second seeks to address how much this icon of our city truly reflects our city. What
does “Portlandy” mean? I don’t know, but I know it when I see
it. Mapplethorpe’s penis is “Portlandy,” his haircut isn’t. Thirdly,
should we be proud of these institutions? Do they speak to our
successes as a community or our failures? Do these things make
us happy that we’re not Cincinnati, or not? That’s the rubric I’m

using—if you don’t like it, craft your own stand-up comedy career and write a tour diary for the Portland Mercury that allows
you to eventually pursue different story ideas. Here goes!

VOODOO DOUGHNUT
Did I have fun?
Well, I waited in line for half an hour. Ahead of me in line
were two hella-brahs in Affliction T-shirts (like, literally wearing Affliction T-shirts, not metaphorically. Metaphorically, too,
Continued on pg. 13

September 20, 2012 Portland Mercury 11

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SEPT. 22 & 23

Continued from pg. 11

though). This is the Voodoo Doughnut lament, isn’t it? The line
is too long, and it’s full of a bunch of fucking people from Beaverton (that’s OUR word). Well, it’s like the old adage goes, when
life gives you bros, make bromethazine syrup.
Look, you’re reading the Portland Mercury, right now. You
probably aren’t all that tuned in to the day-to-day operations of
dudes with Affliction T-shirts. Expand your worldview! You can
have a lot of your questions answered just by eavesdropping!
Q: What’s up with Brit? A: Shit’s like, whatever man.
Q: Did you see the fucking Oregon game? A: Fucking... Keith
got fired so I had to pick up a bunch of shifts, I watched the
replay though. So sick.
Q: Are you stoked for Jones Creek? A: So stoked.
Now I know what’s up with Brit! Also, doughnuts! I know the
bacon-maple bar is King Shit when you go to Voodoo Doughnut. It’s always on the TV shows, millimeters from the quivering, fluorescent face of some bellowing haircut... but real talk? I
don’t even like the bacon-maple bar that much. Don’t give me
that dry-ass bacon. The bacon-maple-bar bacon is present-day
Dan Aykroyd. Don’t give me that I Now Pronounce You Chuck and
Larry bacon, give me that freshly cooked Spies Like Us bacon.
Instead, get Voodoo Doughnut’s apple fritter. It’s delicious, and it’s huge. You can actually live, rent free, inside
the apple fritter while you eat it. (Fair warning, the landlord
is an incredibly offensive caricature of an Asian man played
by Mickey Rooney.)

How Portlandy is this place?
There are two Voodoo Doughnuts: Voodoo Doughnut the Place
that Sells Doughnuts and Voodoo Doughnut the Scene. (Don’t
worry, I ALSO want me to die for writing that sentence.) Voodoo
Doughnut, the place that sells actual doughnuts, feels like it was
pulled out of the LSD-fueled dream of a fat, old hippie named
Scrumptious. It’s great. I’m glad it’s here. It always feels a little
bit like I’m walking into San Francisco when I go there—more
so now, after the renovation of the downtown space, but even
back in the old hole-in-the-wall days.
Now, Voodoo Doughnut the “scene”? The Voodoo Doughnut
with a line full of drunk girls holding shoes and civil engineers
on terrible dates and people who are probably Bon Iver and
high-school kids all lit up on being awake and probably Japa-

nese tourists and somebody’s mom—and they’re all standing
together in a line that has to zig around some dude on heroin?
That’s fucking Portland.

Should we be proud of it?
Yeah, dude. When the inevitable Voodoo backlash comes, just
let those hipper-than-fuck hip fucks eat cake. You eat the fritter.

STRIP CLUBS
Did I have fun?

like proud parents. I had way more fun seeing that than I had
looking at a vagina with a beer in my hand. One girl hid onstage
and popped out and scared me while I was deep in conversation
with some other super drunk person—oh, you’re going to combine all the fun of a Jantzen Beach haunted house experience
with the adult motif of gazing at your boobs, girl with a Frida
Kahlo tattoo? Well, you’re the best person in the world, and I’m
going to learn sculpting so I can make a statue of you shaking
hands with Jesus.

How Portlandy is it?

What are you, an idiot? I’m sorry. Of course I had fun. Fun is
what Portland strip clubs are all about. Many people like to
bring up how our strip clubs are awesome because you can get
hammered while looking at boobs and, and this is the important part, vaginas. (Oh, by the way, I’m a straight white male, so
this is going to be from my privileged perspective—but please
know in your hearts that I have Andrea Dworkin’s Wikipedia
page open while I write this.) Getting drunk near vaginas is
okay, I guess. It’s a little weird that it’s illegal to have
alcohol and vaginas together in other parts of the
country... is the cocktail of vaginas and booze
too much for hard-working Midwestern penises? Wouldn’t booze make the penis less
functional, reducing the risk of whatever
state governments are afraid might happen? Am I asking too many questions?
Why would you be so hurtful?
Booze and vagina are not why Portland
strip clubs are fun. Portland strip clubs being
fun are why Portland strip clubs are fun. They’re
just fucking fun! Strip clubs aren’t usually that fun,
they’re usually creepy and uncomfortable—most strip
clubs feel like a Hooters, but with boobs instead of chicken
wings. They’re full of bad music and people pretending to be
interested in other people as people.
In Portland strip clubs I have seen a woman dance to MC
Chris and a woman wear a Batman mask. On the trip I took to
Sassy’s on the occasion of writing this article, I watched a stripper spend significant amounts of her time onstage giving the
devil horns to a gaggle of hella burley metal dudes who cheered

The strip clubs in Portland combine our seedy history as a
wretched hive of scum and villainy with the current trend of
body art inspired by the works of Shel Silverstein. They’re “Portlandy,” and they’re spectacular.

Should we be proud of it?
I bet there are a few of you who have read this far just so you
can completely obliterate me with an internet comment informing me how misogynistic and exploitative I am
for enjoying our city’s strip clubs, or for calling
them “strippers,” or because I said, “Hey fellas,
get a’load of this broad!” to a bunch of men
in old suits and fedoras when I pulled up
Andrea Dworkin’s Wikipedia page. Well,
I’m sorry (lie). The fact is, people associate our beautiful city with strip clubs.
Time magazine’s website listed strip clubs
as one of the 10 things you have to try in
Portland! Time magazine! Home of articles
about glamping (glam-camping, natch! Luv
u!). So yes, I think we should be proud of our
strip clubs. Warm your hearts with the fact that,
at some point, somebody has probably danced to the Mr.
Show theme—and that’s only happening here.

Gett
drun ing
vagik near
is ok nas
guesay, I
s.

Ian Karmel is your favorite stand-up comedian. He’s been
on Portlandia, and has performed live at Bumbershoot
and Bridgetown Comedy Fest. You can see him at Funny
Over Everything on October 4 with Brent Weinbach at the
Hollywood Theatre.

adVance ticketS through all ticketSweSt locationS, Safeway, muSic millennium. to charge by phone pleaSe call 503.224.8499

MY, WHAT A BUSY WEEK!

SOLD

OUT

OUR ARTS AND ENTERTAINMENT PICKS FOR THE WEEK OF SEPTEMBER 20-26
THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 20
TREAT YO’SELF—Think festival season is coming to a
close? Nope. Bon Appétit’s Feast Portland, a four-day
celebration of all things Portland food, is the latest culture
binge to join the throng. Get ready to taste everything
from sandwiches to wine, take bike rides with chefs, and
let food luminaries like How to Cook Everything author
Mark Bittman inspire you to eat better than ever. MS
Arlene Schnitzer Concert Hall, 1037 SW Broadway,
7:30 pm, $25, feastportland.com for full schedule
for Thurs-Sun

GAMEPLAY—Jane McGonigal’s ideas
are revolutionary: She sees games as a
potential force for social change, both
online and off. In her book Reality Is
Broken, she demonstrates why games
are often more engaging than reality,
and how we can harness that knowledge to make reality better. AH
Concordia University,
2811 NE Holman, 7 pm, $15

CELLULOID—Digital fi lmmaking and distribution
have had massive repercussions for Hollywood and
beyond. Side by Side looks at that revolution. Produced and hosted by Keanu Reeves, it boasts interviews with more than a few gods of cinema, including David Lynch, Danny Boyle, Christopher Nolan,
Martin Scorsese, David Fincher, Steven Soderbergh,
and more. EH
Hollywood Theatre, 4122 NE Sandy, Fri 7 pm, Sat
3 pm, 7 pm, Sun 7:05 pm

Hustle and Bustle and
Equinox
by Marjorie Skinner

ONE OF PORTLAND’S oldest institutions
showcasing locally made goods is about to
celebrate a first: Portland Saturday Market
is holding its first-ever fashion show, Hustle
and Bustle, this week. “My goal is to change
the perception of what is at the Market,” says
Marketing Director Reid Decker. “Most people
think of [it] as an event. I want to help people
see [it] as a destination. A place to shop for
local handmade goods. Within that wide variety
of goods is clothing or fashion.”
To that end, he enlisted Portland Saturday
Market members like Rythmatix, Bella Sisters,
and Flood Clothing to “help concentrate

APOCALLAHAN—He’s a
slow-burner, but musician
Bill Callahan is a bright
ember. Director Hanly Banks
will be on hand to screen
Apocalypse: A Bill Callahan
Tour Film—a collage of shots
from the tour van—but better
yet, Callahan closes out the
night with one of his trademark mesmerizing sets. CF
Hollywood Theatre, 4122
NE Sandy, 7:30 pm, $10

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 23
PDX AS F*&K—Head back to Wildwood with
Decemberists brigand-turned-YA author Colin
Meloy, as he and partner/illustrator Carson Ellis
celebrate the second book in their popular YA
series. Under Wildwood sees the protagonists
of a talking-animal-version of Portland battling
new foes of the revolutionary ilk. CF
Bagdad Theater, 3702 SE Hawthorne, 4 pm,
$17.99 (includes copy of book)

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 24
I’VE BEEN TO VIDAL SASSOON—Roman Polanski’s alternately hilarious and creepy Satanic suspense
thriller Rosemary’s Baby (starring Mia Farrow and
John Cassavetes!) is always a spellbindingly good
time, but chances are you’ve never seen it the way
it was meant to be experienced: on film. Luckily the
Hollywood has scored it on the reels, so queue up to
see the tyke. After all, he has his father’s eyes. MS
Hollywood Theatre, 4122 NE Sandy,
Fri-Thurs 9:30 pm, $5-7

JACKPOT ON FILM—The annual Jackpot Records
Film and Music Fest is a love letter to music and
film. If you can’t make ’em all, at least catch Charles
Bradley: Soul of America (Wednesday), the fascinating story of a soul singer; Jobriath A.D. (Thursday), a
“must-see” doc about the gay “American Bowie”; and
of course, Rhino Resurrected (Friday), about the history of the awesome Rhino Records. WSH
Bagdad Theater, 3702 SE Hawthorne, Mon-Fri, all
movies 8 pm, $5

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 25
POWER—British band Alt-J’s debut, An Awesome
Wave, was just nominated for the UK’s prestigious
Mercury Prize, but it’s making waves all the way across
the Atlantic, too. Their hook-filled blocks of pop have
resulted in one of the year’s most striking debuts. Tonight they open for the relatively meh Grouplove, but
Alt-J won’t be a supporting act for much longer. NL
Roseland, 8 NW 6th, 8 pm, $18.50, all ages

ROSCO P. MOTHERFUCKER—You gotta be some
kind of grindhouse masterpiece if Quentin Tarantino
names a company after you. Rolling Thunder is a
super rare revenge classic, starring William Devane,
Tommy Lee Jones, and The Dukes of Hazzard’s James
Best as a ruthless shitkicker so stone-cold Boss Hogg
would piss his pants at the sight of him. BR
Hollywood Theatre, 4122 NE Sandy, 7:30 pm, $7

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 26
SHINY SHINS—For a little while there, real
life for the Shins was nowhere near as mellifluously perfect as the band’s soundtrackfamous music. Longtime members left
(read: were fired), and the group went years
without releasing a new album. That finally
changed this year, and thankfully the band is
trotting out its new-look lineup. DCT
w/Washed Out; Keller Auditorium,
222 SW Clay, 8 pm, $40, all ages

SEX AND VIOLENCE—The young bucks that
make up Odd Future Wolf Gang Kill Them All
have been a lightning rod for controversy due to
some questionable word choices (take the name
of their collective, for starters), but they’ve also
made some of the most vital, interesting hiphop
in years. However you feel about Odd Future,
tonight’s show is bound to be fascinating. NL
Roseland, 8 NW 6th, 9 pm, $27.50-32,
all ages

that niche market.” The show will be a mix of
“blazers, skirts, dresses, handbags, jewelry,
hats, and silks.” And as per tradition, the show
will close with a wedding gown finale designed
by Flood Clothing. Yet somehow I doubt there
will be an overwhelming amount of tradition
on display. Hustle and Bustle, Bossanova
Ballroom, 722 E Burnside, Thurs Sept 20, 8
pm, dance party to follow with DJs, $15-20.
Meanwhile, in the wonderfully quirky world
of Portland retail, several shops, designers, and
makers are banding together to beat the holiday
crush of group sale events with Equinox, a joint
effort between Palace, Wolf Honey (which literally makes honey), OLO Fragrance, Hazel Cox,
Lowell, OKO, Worn Path, and Portland Apothecary. “The idea for an event on the fall equinox
was inspired by the concept of harvest,” says
ringleader and Palace owner Charlotte Reich.
“The dedication and thoughtful nurturing one
gives to their ‘field.’ Each clearly demonstrates
this approach—from OLO Fragrance’s scent
from memories ago, ‘Tulare,’ to the locally harvested and run Wolf Honey.” Equinox, The Stables, 910 SE Taylor, Sat Sept 22, 2-7 pm.

September 20, 2012 Portland Mercury 15

Training Kitchen Ninjas

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Program information at oregonculinaryinstitute.com

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Onuinu’s Portland Pop Album by Maranda Bish
DORIAN DUVALL is one of those indi- Mirror Gazer were almost never laid to
viduals who seem to dwell in a constant tape. “I was at this point where I didn’t
even really wanna record those
state of creativity. The CleveOnuinu
songs. I was kinda like, ‘Man,
land native—and the dreamer
Thurs Sept 20
I’ve already made those... I just
of Onuinu’s unique sounds—is
Holocene
the product of a musically fertile 1001 SE Morrison want to make a bunch of new
songs.” Thankfully, a friend gave
family and household; he started
out making acoustic music before expand- him some sound advice: “‘Put it down, and
ing his efforts to include electronic tools then move on.’ So I was like, all right, I’ll
and compositional experimentation. Once put them down.”
Duvall worked with engineer Jeremy
he relocated to Portland—a city rife with
musicians, though not of the synthetic Sherrer to capture the effects and energy
bent—Duvall found himself in hot pursuit that make his music so captivating: atmospheric layers of synths, samples, beats, and
of an original sound.
With inspiration from genre-bending intriguing vocals, which serve as anchors
acts like Flying Lotus and LA’s Odd Future, while simultaneously remaining aloof and
Duvall describes his penchant for innova- elusive. Among the nine tracks, the different
tion, beyond the re-creation of any one style. styles become distinct: Some songs are siz“I’m always working on new stuff,” he says. zling, hypnotic, and club friendly (“Forever,”
“Even if I’m not actually making it, I’m con- “Ice Palace”), while others evoke anthemic
ceptualizing what I want to do. That’s the hiphop jams (“Always Awkward,” “Happy
first step in the process: just thinking about Home”), and ambient interludes (“Lost,” “A
it, and trying to understand what direction Night With...”).
The album’s aesthetic is united in what
you want to go with it.”
While he began recording and per- Duvall has found to be the undercurrent of
forming prolifically, releasing some early music in this time and place: pop. “There’s
tracks via local label Apes Tapes, Duvall so many pop bands in Portland—I think
says his efforts remained on the verge of that’s why I made this album,” he says. “I
actualization. “There’s kind of this weird guess I felt like that was what I should come
period where you’re trying to make what out with, just being in this environment.”
you’re envisioning, then you hit a wall. It’s The accessibility and appeal of pop serves
as a common thread for Duvall’s music in a
kind of painful.”
From this point of limbo, the tracks scene that is often associated with rock ’n’
that would be collected on debut album roll archetypes. Still, Onuinu has developed

Rock of Ages

Black Prairie Is as Black Prairie Does by Ryan J. Prado

MUSIC

REGARDLESS OF HOW or why they and doesn’t settle for pigeonholing.
“We opened everything up,” explains
started, referring to Portland’s Black
Prairie as a side project has now become Funk. “I think we looked at what it meant
to be a pure string band—plus
disrespectful. Not to the band
Black Prairie
accordion, in our situation—
members, mind you, but to the
Fri Sept 21
and said, ‘Well, we did that.’”
diverse music the five-piece
Mississippi Studios
Opening everything up
group has assembled for its 3939 N Mississippi
included utilizing vocals and
second full-length, A Tear in
the Eye Is a Wound in the Heart. For the drums for the fi rst time. For a band that
band, how you choose to categorize their during its inception adhered to a set
working status—especially in relation of aesthetic parameters (no vocals, no
to the Decemberists, in which three drums, only acoustic instruments), the
Black Prairie members are players— heavier dose of vocalist/fiddler Annalisa
Tornfelt’s sultry serenades might seem a
is negotiable.
Black Prairie, however, don’t find betrayal—if her vocals weren’t so great.
themselves feeling like much of a side With such a talented band, it was only a
matter of time before they decided to
of anything.
“When some members are in a more break their own rules.
“When we started, we said, ‘Let’s
successful band, it gets termed that way,”
says multi-instrumentalist Chris Funk. make this a strict acoustic folk band,’
“You bow down to your more successful which was a reaction to some of us being
or longer-standing project. In terms of Decemberists,” Funk laughs. “But now I
how we cut up our time in the month, it look at our stage inputs for the fall and it’s
just like the Decemberists.”
certainly doesn’t feel like a side project.”
Far be it for a group with such worldly
A Tear in the Eye is testament to this.
With eight of the album’s 16 cuts including musical palates, however, to stop at the
vocals, and the other eight dallying in mere inclusion of vocals and drums to grow
Euro-folk, classic Americana, and ghostly into themselves. A Tear in the Eye marches
string sonatas, the collaborative nature out Romani folk in the form of “Taraf,” an
of Black Prairie doesn’t speak in stutters homage of sorts to the Romani catalog of

deeper kinship with other local electro-leaning acts like YACHT (for whom he recently
opened on nationwide dates, performing
as a trio with two other live musicians) and
Starfucker, who will be tourmates for an upcoming month of shows.

The band stands to reach growing audiences, thanks to some national press
this summer, including a blog post recommending the band from Time magazine:
“I just woke up one morning and was like,
‘What the hell is this?’” says Duvall. “The
fans grew substantially... I guess people
know who we are now.”
The acclaim has had other positive effects, as well: “I think my parents have a
little more faith in my music endeavors,
after seeing that.”

ONUINU In a shocking twist, he’s the one gazing at your shoes!

Taraf de Haïdouks; later, “34 Wishes: The
Legend Of” espouses a darkly intricate
string-and-accordion arrangement that
glitters with violin crescendos and lots of
lead. Inspiration for this tune came in the
form of Funk and guitarist Jon Neufeld
lifting Mastodon riffs and reimagining
metal songs for acoustic instruments.
“Dirty River Stomp,” a Joplin-esque
ragtime piano piece, was brought in by
accordionist Jenny Conlee-Drizos around
the time the band was also writing the
score for the Oregon Children’s Theatre’s
spring production of The Storm in the

Barn. The emotive imagery required for a
stage play proved a beneficial distraction
for the band.
“When Jenny brought us ‘Dirty River
Stomp,’ we were neck-deep in the middle
of making weirder music for The Storm in
the Barn, so that middle section [of A Tear
in the Eye] gets pretty out there.”
Considering their lofty ambitions,
the band’s next goal shouldn’t be all that
surprising.
“Our next adventure is we want to do
a laser light show at OMSI,” says Funk.
“They already said yes.”

AFTER PLAYING almost weekly for into this washy, reverb-y, weird jam where
about a year, the We Shared Milk have he plays saxophone.”
“Bastard,” recorded by
finally wrapped their debut
full-length. But History of The We Shared Milk Grandparents, is the record’s
Sat Sept 22
biggest accomplishment. The
Voyager & Legend Tripping
Mississippi Studios
recording somehow manages
is more than the band’s fi rst
3939 N Mississippi
to maintain the We Shared
album: It’s a snapshot of the
Portland music community, and a magnified Milk’s original style, yet it sounds entirely
example of why locals sometimes refer different from their previous EPs. A few
to this scene as incestuous. Each track warm guitar tones also help bring out the
on the album was produced by—and depth of Howard’s vocals.
Listening to bands still in their
recorded in the home, practice space, or
otherwise DIY recording studio of—a developmental stage sometimes leads
different local band, 10 in all: Talkative, one to wonder what could happen if a
Grandparents, Hustle and Drone, band went in a particular direction.
Support Force, Old Age, Fanno Creek, The ambitious but overall impressively
Ray Rude, Charts, And And And, and cohesive History of Voyager & Legend
Tripping gives us an album’s worth of
Log Across the Washer.
The band—Boone Howard (vocals/ different answers to that question: a
guitar), Eric Ambrosius (drums), and preview of 10 alternate futures for the
Travis Leipzig (bass)—came up with We Shared Milk.
the concept for the album as a way to
push themselves. For the most part, the
We Shared Milk came to each recording
session with a demo or a few riffs for
a song, but there were occasions when
they started empty-handed, relying on
inspiration from the experience.
“The craziest example of recording
in someone else’s way from scratch,”
Howard says, “was recording in Alsea,
Oregon, with Matt Ulm from Old Age.
We did the whole thing on a four-track out
on his property and stayed up all night.
We didn’t have a demo or a song written
for that one, and I think it turned out to
be my favorite. And the song we did with
Tyler Keene of Log Across the Washer
probably changed most from the demo. It
DANE BRIST
was originally this punk song that turned THE WE SHARED MILK Milklicious!

HUMAN BEINGS are constantly subject musical reach—due largely to the nature
to the slightest changes in the atmosphere. and success of She & Him, his duo with
Perhaps, then, humans should always be actress Zooey Deschanel—Ward has been
ready to get up and go at any moment. tossed into the life of a jetsetter. “I typically play about four shows a
Somewhere within the confi nes
M. Ward
month in various places, which
of our tidy homes, there should
Thurs Sept 20
I guess makes me more of a
be an overnight bag, packed
Aladdin Theater
and waiting. And while we 3017 SE Milwaukie weekend warrior,” says Ward.
A Wasteland Companion
might fear that bag’s presence
in our life, it should also be something that carefully logs and reenacts the upheaval
keeps us going, and keeps us ready. That’s of the past three years—perhaps not exthe operative power of M. Ward’s seventh plicitly, because Ward is not one for penstudio album, A Wasteland Companion. It ning the most literal folk songs, but in
was made in different studios across the the oscillating mood that the album creUS and England, and it documents what ates as a whole. For instance, the openhappens when you travel far enough out- ing song, “Clean Slate” (which is a tribute
to Alex Chilton), strolls through crisp
side your comfort zone.
For whatever reason, Ward has long and calm air, while the following track,
been portrayed as an introvert and a Lud- “Primitive Girl,” carries a frenetic, imdite. In 2009, when Hold Time was re- pulsive energy; it’s the difference from
leased, the New York Times profi led him one day to the next.
Ward says, “I feel that I’m constantly
and painted a vivid picture of a man frozen in time. There was Ward in his creaky trying to find the balance between dark
Portland sanitarium, hovering among tan- and light, in the way that a great photogled tape reels, hoarded vintage instru- graph does. My records are a way for me to
ments, and record shelves full of music organize and present that balance. So if the
that had “weathered storms.” However, records are sounding more personal and
with the past few years’ expansion of his organized, I think that’s a good thing.”

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FATHER JOHN MISTY, JENNY O
(Wonder Ballroom, 128 NE Russell) I thought I was
predisposed to not like Father John Misty given Josh
Tillman’s previous solo work and his tenure with Fleet
Foxes. Sad-sack folk tends to lull me to sleep. Trading in the drab chill of Seattle for the warmer climes
of the historically musically rich Laurel Canyon of Los
Angeles, Tillman reemerged playing pop songs that
capture the spirit of LA excess and depravity that’s
been glorifi ed for decades. This reinvention from
backwoods folkie to ’60s pop-cult leader works for
Father John Misty. And the music benefi ts greatly,
both in the arrangements and the fact that the lyrics are fun and strange. Whether it’s sincere or not
doesn’t even matter—Tillman paints a wonderful picture. MARK LORE

ANIMAL COLLECTIVE, MICACHU AND
THE SHAPES
(Crystal Ballroom, 1332 W Burnside) To their credit,
Animal Collective haven’t completely shrugged off their
foundation of weirdness. Despite garnering a bafflingly
big fanbase—due mostly to the sparkling, designer-drug
sounds on 2009’s Merriweather Post Pavilion—they’re
still ornamenting their twinkly, simple, rave-ready melodies with sonic curveballs and downright ugly noises.
The new Centipede Hz could have been their bid for
the mainstream; rather, it’s a strange, affable record
with some catchy tunes and a thick bath of wretchedsounding digital timbres. It seems that Animal Collective’s high-water mark of 2005’s Feels won’t likely be
revisited—that record actually sounded like elemental
demigods being awoken from a deep slumber. Merriweather and Centipede, on the other hand, are much
closer to the truth, sounding like a group of smart kids
fucking around with digital toys. NED LANNAMANN

TERRAPLANE SUN, THE MOWGLIS
(Doug Fir, 830 E Burnside) Buzz surrounding the
LA-based Terraplane Sun consistently and bafflingly
references their “raw” and “gritty” aesthetic. To be
sure, Ben Rothbard’s nimble wail nails the spirit of
the westward blues migration of the ’60s. And the
surprising presence of a trombone and mandolin create unexpected layers. But that’s not quite the same
thing as down-and-dirty blues rock produced with only
a shoestring and enthusiasm. For example, the song
“Get Me Golden,” off the forthcoming Friends EP, has
been featured in one of this year’s better blockbusters
(21 Jump Street), as well as one of the worst (What
to Expect When You’re Expecting). Also, a Citibank
commercial. To me, these big budget spots indicate
the real truth: Terraplane Sun is upbeat, easy to like,
and has broad appeal. And none of these things are
bad! In fact, it’s one of the main purposes of making
music. And by most accounts, their live show is a force
of nature. REBECCA WILSON

SUNDAZE, THE UPSIDEDOWN, RINGO
DEATHSTARR, WL
(Slabtown, 1033 NW 16th) Don’t let Ringo Deathstarr’s ridiculous name frighten you… come back!
Please? This Austin four-piece makes blissfully fuzzy
pop with a sad-sack bent. Sound familiar? While My
Bloody Valentine comparisons are inevitable, RDS do
it with aplomb. The band will release their sophomore
record, Mauve, this month, which promises more of the
same. Joining the shoegaze fun are locals WL (pronounced “Well”), featuring members of Blouse and

Houndstooth. The band has a new 7-inch out that’s
worth wrapping your ears around. Okay, last question:
So what if this show causes a little déjà vu? Nostalgia
is what we live for. Right? ML

SALLIE FORD AND THE SOUND OUTSIDE,
OLD LIGHT
(Doug Fir, 830 E Burnside) Sallie Ford and the Sound
Outside have been on the road a lot lately, including
a French tour earlier this summer that was largely
sold out, and more recently a cross-country tour that
brought their juke-joint swing to many an intimate
American venue. The band’s debut, Dirty Radio, was
digitally reissued in late August with two previously
unreleased tracks chosen by fan vote. One of those
tracks is the smoky, sexy “Like a Drug,” which trades
Ford’s barbs at cultural homogenization (as in opener “I Swear”) for a swaggering, slow-jam shuffle and
diamond-sharp vocals that Jessica Rabbit would envy.
Ford & Co. may still wear their Asheville hearts on their
sleeves, but Portland has never beamed brighter for
some transplants gone large. See why at this homecoming show. RYAN J. PRADO

THE RAVEONETTES, MELODY’S ECHO
CHAMBER, THE UPSIDEDOWN
(Hawthorne Theatre, 1507 SE 39th) The Raveonettes’
latest, Observator, doesn’t break far from their established mentholated sound: sweet, dark pop with hat
tips to girl-group bouffants, the Velvet Underground’s
black-turtleneck cool, the Jesus and Mary Chain’s
overdriven clang, and electric-tape goth glamour. Main
songwriter Sune Rose Wagner wrote a very candid account of the record’s inception—it involved a trip to LA
and a lot of drugs and alcohol. Perhaps due to his difficulties, his emotional state is a little hard to pin down
on Observator (bandmate Sharin Foo tackles lead vocals on a number of tracks), but the record contains
some of their most heartfelt work, alongside some of
their most sleek and misdirectional. Six albums in, the
Raveonettes have developed one of the most consistent bodies of work in the past decade, and if critics
dismiss them as too repetitive, fans recognize the
depth and subtlety of their catalog. Let’s hope Wagner’s troubles are behind him and there are many more
Raveonettes albums to come. NL

THE EVAPORATORS, THE TRANZMITORS,
THE BLOODTYPES, YOUTHBITCH,
DJ KEN DIRTNAP
(The Know, 2026 NE Alberta) Every track I hear from
the Tranzmitors—and spread out over various 7-inches
and albums, there are a lot; get thee to their Bandcamp
page—sounds like a goddamn classic. The Vancouver,

September 20, 2012 Portland Mercury 21

A CO-HEADLINE AFFAIR OF SCORCHING SO-CAL ROCK

TERRAPLANE
THURSDAY!

THE RETURN OF PDX’S FAVORITE ROCK ‘N ROLL REVIVALISTS

SALLIE
FORD
& THE SOUND OUTSIDE
FRIDAY!

+THE MOWGLI’S

THURSDAY SEPTEMBER 20 •

$8 ADVANCE

TICKETS

+OLD LIGHT

GOING FAST

FRIDAY SEPTEMBER 21

•

$13 ADVANCE

AN ALBUM RELEASE CELEBRATION WITH

SASSPARILLA
SATURDAY!

AND AND AND
+THE JACKALOPE SAINTS

SATURDAY SEPTEMBER 22 •

$10 ADVANCE

EXPERIMENTAL POP FROM NYC SISTER DUO

ZAMBRI

BLAZING INDIE HIP-HOP FROM BAY AREA WUNDERKIND

K.FLAY
MAKE IT A NIGHT

TUESDAY SEPTEMBER 25 •

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Sun - Thur in the
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BC, band specializes in quick, nervy gems of power
pop that are powerful good. The lyrics deal bluntly with
that time-honored theme of adolescent angst (in fake
British accents, no less); the guitars chime and bang
into one another; the drums bash at full throttle as if
the band’s lives depended on it; an occasional organ
or guitar solo is thrown in for good measure. And what
great songs! Take your pick: Latest single “Concrete
Depression,” for example, has echoes of Stiff Little
Fingers and the Jam, but also boasts an instrumental
break and a key change that turns the track into an
ecstatic, controlled frenzy of the very best kind. And
B-side “A Little Bit Closer” cross-pollinates Tommy
James and the Shondells with the Clash, resulting in
marvelous, caffeine-addled new highs. Maybe it’s crazy
to put the Tranzmitors alongside bands like the Kinks
and the Who and Big Star and the Jam, but, yeah. I’m
gonna do that. NL

both boil over with whiplash-inducing speed bursts
and Mille Petrozza’s signature snarl. The former has
much more flair and dexterity then the latter, but both
are good listens. Accept and Kreator are classic metal
champions who are tired of experimenting. Thankfully,
they still know that what they do best is what their fans
want. ARIS WALES

MATISYAHU, DIRTY HEADS, PACIFIC DUB

ZAMBRI

(Crystal Ballroom, 1332 W Burnside) Reggae rapper Matisyahu is reliably abysmal. And while I haven’t
yet fully absorbed his latest LP, Spark Seeker (I’m
halfway through my second listen and am experiencing a weird canker sore outbreak—concluding there’s
some correlation), I feel confi dent in my assumption
that it isn’t much of a grower. Even more offensive
than his music is the fact that his shtick, at its foundation, can always be reduced to mere minstrelsy.
This is a safe and ultimately shallow, Fisher-Price
representation of Jewish culture that not-so-coincidentally bores the shit out of a ton of real Jews,
yet appeals immensely to eager, politically correct
gentiles, which is testament to both the artist’s beguiling insincerity and the mainstream’s gullibility.
Don’t let those self-conscious, silly Old Testament
references fool you, my sons. Seriously, boycott this
abhorrent shit. May God have mercy on Matisyahu’s
soul. MORGAN TROPER

(Doug Fir, 830 E Burnside) The Zambri sisters, Cristi
Jo and Jessica, inhabit a sonically dark house of their
own devising, one with stairways to nowhere and a
super scary basement. Though they’ve been making
music and performing live for years, their debut album,
House of Baasa, was released just this year. It’s a fascinating, challenging album, which I guess is a reviewer’s
way of saying “hard to describe.” At times it’s thrilling
and abundant and exhilarating, at others it’s jagged
and discordant and hard. Sometimes it’s heartbreakingly gorgeous, with swelling, shoegazey lyrics, and
other times it falls flat and disappoints. This could be
as much a product of living in New York City as it is
of extremely personal, freewheeling experimentation.
They’ve added a drummer and multi-instrumentalist to
their live lineup, which just might carry them over the
hump of accessibility. RW

SASSPARILLA, AND AND AND,
THE JACKALOPE SAINTS

THE SHINS, WASHED OUT

(Doug Fir, 830 E Burnside) Count yourself part of
the majority if your fi rst spin of Sassparilla’s new LP
Magpie was followed by a bout of confusion. The Portland six-piece’s typically rootsy basics remain intact,
but rather than being whisked into a frothy folk-punk
batter, Magpie’s tunes tread lightly. Album opener
“Threadbare” is about as dangerous as a Barenaked
Ladies epic, with “The Mary Celeste” sounding essentially the same. Luckily, “Two Black Hearts,” though
immersed in a hokey honky-tonk groove, returns to
what makes Sassparilla such a great live band: lots
of harmonica and heel-kickin’ melody. Although their
cohesiveness falters here into a hardly recognizable
shell of the washboard/resonator guitar/accordion
stomp they’ve come to be known for, Magpie does
excel in provoking a somewhat haunted alternate persona—one that’s listened to lots of ’70s FM radio. Or a
lot of Lambchop. RJP

SUNDAY 9/23
THE LOWER 48, SHY GIRLS

(Rontoms, 600 E Burnside) The overhanging echo of
’80s R&B in the sultry slow jams of Shy Girls is undeniable, but this isn’t just a case of a band trying its
hardest to ape a style that’s cyclically come back into
vogue. Rather, the Portland band has mastered the
form with a complete appreciation for all its strengths
and subtleties; now they’re punching new boundaries
for it. Their 2011 EP Sex in the City shows a sliver of
that promise, finding a weird, magic pocket of swing
and soul within its rigid electronic beats—it’s that point
just before funk gets stiff, where bump ’n’ grind feels
sexy without becoming pornographic. But for the real
Shy Girls experience, get yourself in front of a stage
where they are playing. The group is playful but tight,
transforming these suggestive mating calls into something much grander. Bring a date, and become a believer: Shy Girls are one of the best live bands in town
right now. NL

KREATOR, ACCEPT, SWALLOW THE SUN,
WEHRMACHT
(Roseland, 8 NW 6th) At first glance, Accept and Kreator sharing a stage seems a little misguided. Accept’s
brand of traditional heavy metal rock ’n’ roll doesn’t
seem to play nice with Kreator’s lightning-fast, decapitating thrash. But if you read between the lines and look
at the two bands’ recent track records, the timing for
this bill is perfect, because each of them are enjoying a
welcomed resurgence. Within the past four years, both
German bands have released two albums to virtually
unanimous critical acclaim. Accept’s Blood of the Nations and Stalingrad sound as good as anything from
their golden years, but feature TT Quick’s Mark Tornillo
replacing Udo Dirkschneider on vocals. Despite some
purists’ wrinkled noses, Tornillo’s gruff and Udo-like
range complements the band’s tough-as-steel riffs.
Kreator’s Hordes of Chaos and Phantom Antichrist

Americana band celebrating the release of A Tear In The Eye Is A
Wound In The Heart by Sugar Hill Records

Rubblebucket
Icky Blossoms

$15 ADv

Thu, Sept 20
Woodchuck Cider
Sweet-n-Local Presents:

DODGE LOGIC, TOMTEN, CONSTELLATION
PRIZE
(Ella Street Social Club, 714 SW 20th Pl) Fans of the
late, lamented the Dutchess and the Duke might find
some solace in their Emerald City citymates Tomten.
Not that the quartet attempts D&D’s dueling boy-girl
campfire intimacy. Rather, Tomten shares a similar affinity for the smokiest, most world weary of all the amber-tinted folk-psych-pop made in the ’60s: Between
the Buttons, Songs of Leonard Cohen, Chelsea Girl.
Frontman Brian Noyeswatkins sounds like Mick Jagger
at his “Lady Jane”-iest, as the band traffics in lovely,
organ-augmented tones that flicker like candlelight.
Their album Wednesday’s Children makes good on the
promise of the Ta Ta Dana EP (whose title track makes
a welcome reappearance on the full-length), and Tomten makes clear that they’re capable of making great
tunes that stand on their own strength, no references
to the past required. NL

(Doug Fir, 830 E Burnside) Like many of the best rappers, K.Flay’s career began in California—albeit in a
Stanford University dorm room. But that first silly parody of a genre from which she had always felt alienated
evidently hit a spot in her brain. A handful of EPs and
mixtapes later, she’s become one of the most boundary-pushing voices in hiphop. On her Eyes Shut EP, a
free download on her website, K.Flay ranges from aggressive to sunshiny with surprising frequency and agility. It’s impossible to tune out her cyclonic lyrics, which
are fast and mind-boggling and witty. K.Flay makes her
own beats and credits Parliament-Funkadelic as one of
her biggest inspirations. This gives her at least a few
things in common with the most influential producer
in the history of hiphop, Dr. Dre. So I’d be excited to
hear her repertoire of thin tracks and squeaky samples
expand to include meatier, G-funk-inspired beats. RW

Fri, Sept 21

indie, art-rock
bands

(Keller Auditorium, 222 SW Clay) See My, What a
Busy Week!, pg. 15.

K.FLAY, MICHNA

Black
Prairie
(record release)

Reptar

WEDNESDAY 9/26

(Roseland, 8 NW 6th) It’s always hilarious to try and
watch people—journalists or otherwise—put some allencompassing theory or grand narrative behind Los
Angeles’ Odd Future Wolf Gang Kill Them All. The fact
is they’re apathetic as fuck about what any of us think.
But that’s what stimulates the national appeal. They’re
so aware of societal entrapment and the irregularities
of disillusioned youth that they can’t help but incorporate lyrics of dysfunctionality with blaring identity declaration. See their power? Now I’m the product of my
initial criticism. Regardless, check out the music video
for “Oldie” off their debut album The OF Tape, Vol. 2:
It’s 10 minutes of verse from the core members of the
group, all tracked over footage that heavily suggests
their natural day-to-day. JONATHAN MAGDALENO
Also see My, What a Busy Week!, pg. 15.

AST WEEK, Disjecta announced the first
exhibition presented by the space’s 20122013 curator in residence, Josephine Zarkovich. For this first show of the season, Zarkovich
brought in Oakland-based artist Suzy Poling,
who, according to the press release, “has created a series of large-scale experimental photographs and video installations that address
issues of ecology, materiality, and regeneration”
in an exhibition titled Elemental Forces. While
Poling is an accomplished mid-career artist, she
also makes cinematic drone/noise music under
the name Pod Blotz, and the production techniques employed therein resurface in her visual
work. Due to this conversation between sonic
and visual languages, Zarkovich asked Liz Harris (AKA Grouper) and Pat Maher—two visual
artists who also have roots as working musicians—to contribute to the exhibit.
Elemental Forces looks to be a promising opener to Disjecta’s season. Curious as
to where else Zarkovich is planning to take
Disjecta’s programming over the next 12
months, I hit up the curator with some questions. MATT STANGEL
MERCURY: Could you introduce yourself with some words about your past
curatorial experiences?
JOSEPHINE ZARKOVICH: I am a contemporary
art curator who moved to Oregon a year and a
half ago from Oakland. I hold an MA in curatorial practice from the California College of

BOOK REVIEW

the Arts, which is one of the few programs in
the United States that focuses exclusively on
curation. I’ve curated exhibitions at numerous
Bay Area organizations and am currently running an alternative arts space inside Corvallis’
Majestic Theatre.
Could you be more anecdotal/specific
about particular projects?
A Universe We Can Believe In [was an] exhibition on science-fiction. This project moved a lot
between “truth” and fiction. For example, a work
by Trevor Paglen featured actual military unit
patches and memorabilia created for top-secret
programs, Kara Tanaka created sketches based
on designs and prototypes of contemporary
space exploration, and Gareth Spor broke down
screenshots of the film 2001: A Space Odyssey
until nothing was left but abstract landscapes.
[For another example], every fourth grader
in California has to make a model of one of the
California Missions as part of their curriculum.
Make a Mission Project assigned this project
to local artists and featured all 21 missions.
Works included dioramas, film, painting, and installations that dealt with current social issues,
something special about the locations (wine in
Sonoma, the swallows that live in the walls of
San Juan Capistrano) and some tackled the history of colonization the missions represent.
Your first exhibition of the season is from
Suzy Poling. Could you talk a bit about
her and her work?
Suzy Poling is one of the top experimental photographers in the Bay Area. Her work combines
themes of natural phenomena, mutation, and
BBC science-fiction. For Disjecta, Poling has
created a series of large-scale photographs
and video installations influenced by her work
as an experimental musician and performer.
What else do you have cooking for Disjecta?
While not formally linked, there are some shared
themes that connect the major exhibitions that
I am organizing for Disjecta. After Suzy Poling,
we will present an exhibition of Portland-based
artists in conversation with Ursula K. Le Guin’s
1971 novel The Lathe of Heaven, followed by
a massive installation by Chris Fraser and a
group show exploring afro-futurism.

HILE COLIN MELOY’S first foray into
YA authorship could’ve neatly tied up with
2011’s Wildwood, the series makes a welcome
return in the sequel Under Wildwood. It’s an even
more enjoyable outing into a fantasy Portland filled
with talking animals, vast forests, and armies of
avenging fauna. Like its predecessor, Under Wildwood’s full of Decemberists vocab lessons (Cockup! Seditious! Slurry!) and precious Portlandese

COMIC BOOK REVIEW

The Underwater Welder
by Jeff Lemire
(Top Shelf)

C

ANADIAN CARTOONIST Jeff Lemire made
a name for himself with three graphic novels
released by Portland publisher Top Shelf: The
brick-sized Essex County trilogy is three interlocking stories of life in one rural Canadian county, full
of gruff, hatchet-faced men with difficulty expressing their feelings and awkward boys who hide in
fantasies of comic books. And hockey. Lots and
lots of hockey. Lemire has since moved on to
higher-profile work for DC Comics, as a writer for

Origins, Meaning, Morality, Destiny?






ThinkRenaissance.org

32 Portland Mercury September 20, 2012

(Pickling! Cork flooring! Terrariums!), but it’s got
decidedly more zip.
The numerous story threads are all stronger
and more engaging than the first venture into the
Narnia-tinged land. Wildwood is going through a
period of severe unrest, with revolutionaries and
coups making life difficult for the denizens. As one
kid says, “Grown-ups. They’ve got the run of a magical kingdom and they still manage to always mess
things up.” Prue, the smarty preteen protagonist, is
back in North Portland and missing her best friend,
Curtis, who stayed behind as a bandit-in-training.
Meanwhile Curtis’ two sisters are being fostered at
a Dickensian orphanage/factory, where a washedup glamourpuss and her Ricky Gervais-esque boyfriend oversee the grim operation.
There’s a lot going on in Under Wildwood, but
it’s all the better for it—where Wildwood got a bit
sloggy, Meloy’s second book slowly builds momentum that reaches a steady clip. Carson Ellis’ lovely
illustrations bring life and beauty to the story, particularly crisp when she depicts the former movie
star and the adorable mole army, who are outfitted
in bottle-cap armor and real-world flotsam. We’ll be
getting at least one more book in the series to tie
up Under Wildwood’s loose threads—the sooner
the better, I say. COURTNEY FERGUSON

Animal Man and Justice League Dark.
With The Underwater Welder, Lemire returns to
Top Shelf to publish a book that feels more like his
Essex County work than anything he’s done since.
That is to say: It’s personal, it’s black and white, and
all the men have very craggy noses.
Jack Joseph works off the coast of Nova Scotia
as a welder on an oil rig—his father was a diver, and
so Jack became a diver too, though his father was
lost at sea when Jack was just a boy. Jack himself is
about to have a child, but instead of staying home
with his super-pregnant wife, he heads back out to
sea, where a diving accident sends Jack searching
for clues to his own past.
In his intro, Lost executive producer Damon Lindelof compares Welder to a Twilight Zone episode,
and there’s something to that: The book is pervaded
with a nerve-wracking sense of things present but
unseen, with each page moving the reader closer
and closer to understanding what Jack Joseph is
really searching for.
The ending is a touch unsatisfying, but overall,
it’s a work that fans of Essex County should appreciate. (If you’re not a fan of Essex County—start
there.) ALISON HALLETT

PAINT & FIRE BY STEVE MATHEWS PHOTO BY ALIN DRAGULIN

See tba.portlandmercury.com for a complete
recap of the Mercury’s TBA coverage

S

OMETIMES PORTLAND’S arts community is downright confounding. I am not
talking about putting birds on things, because
that joke is stupid, but rather about rampant
double-booking of major arts events. The annual overlap between MusicfestNW and PICA’s
Time-Based Art (TBA) Festival, for example, or
the confluence, a few years ago, of the Stump-

town Comics Fest and the Bridgetown Comedy Festival. Such overlaps make for a hectic
weekend at best—at worst, we give up on art
altogether and stay home watching Archer.
(Season two is on Netflix Instant!)
This year, something magical happened:
There was a shuttle.
The magic shuttle ran in a loop between TBA,
the new XOXO Festival, and OMSI’s Maker Faire,
all of which took place last weekend in Southeast.
Yes: For what felt like the first time ever, Portland
arts organizations acknowledged the existence
of competing events that audiences might also
want to attend.
Shuttle-riding audiences caught the last
weekend of the 10-day TBA festival, which (under
the artistic direction of newcomer Angela Mattox) boasted a higher-than-usual concentration
of international artists, including British-German
troupe Gob Squad, whose elegant and hilarious
riff on Andy Warhol’s films was one of the highlights of the festival. Another standout: Congolese dancer Faustin Linyekula, whose Le Cargo
was praised for its accessibility and beauty. This
year was the fest’s last at Washington High
School, and as great as that space is, it’s time
to move on—beer garden chatter had more to say

about the weaknesses of the space (the giant
auditorium was just too big for some of the latenight acts on the bill) than its strengths.
Just blocks away from Washington High, at
Yale Union, the Kickstarter-funded arts ’n’ tech
festival XOXO featured two days of paradigmshifting speakers like Etsy’s Chad Dickerson,
musician Julia Nunes, Kickstarter co-founder
Yancey Strickler, and CASH Music’s Maggie Vail
and Jesse Von Doom, whose nonprofit helps connect musicians with web technology. The conference focuses on “artists and toolmakers,” though
there were a lot more toolmakers than artists in
attendance—$400 is a deal for a weekend pass
to a tech conference, I’m told, though hardly affordable for working artists. That said, it was a
remarkably well-run event (particularly for its first
year), and even broke artists were encouraged to
take advantage of a free lineup of film and music events that included Community creator Dan
Harmon presenting his amazing unaired pilot
Heat Vision and Jack. It’s going to be fascinating
to see how XOXO evolves in terms of programming, influence, and accessibility.
As for the Maker Faire, well… even with the
shuttle, there was just a bit too much going on.
ALISON HALLETT

T

tinues, explaining that audience members are
encouraged to bring local news headlines to the
show for panel members to discuss.
If you’ve spent any time with Marc Maron’s
WTF podcast, you’ve maybe gotten the idea that
all comedians are bitter, jealous people. And sure,
some of ’em are—but Brannon is one of a number of local comedians who are actively trying to
help Portland’s comedy scene develop (Whitney
Streed comes immediately to mind as another
example). “I want this show to be a success
for the comedians that are a part of it,” Brannon
says. “I remember what it was like when I was a
young comedian, and all of the older comedians
that gave me opportunities. They helped me to
become the comedian I am today, and if I can do
that for someone else, I will.”
That’s well and good for comedians, but
what about the audience? Brannon notes that
he doesn’t want the audience to feel as though
they’re at a movie, passively watching the screen.
“If anything, I’d want them to feel like they’re in
a movie,” he says. “When they leave the club, I
want them to feel like they have contributed to the
success of the show.” All members of the same
Hamster Village. ALISON HALLETT

HERE’S A STAND-UP comedy showcase
in every corner of Portland these days, from
Hawthorne Hideaway (second-to-last Thursdays)
to the Tonic (Wednesdays) to the Know (last
Thursdays). New showcases aren’t even news at
this point—just another entry in the ever-growing
“Comedy/Improv” section of the Mercury’s arts
section.
But when a show comes along that promises to fuck with the showcase formula a bit, and
it’s hosted and organized by Portland’s newly
crowned Funniest Person (as determined by a
weeks-long comedy contest at Helium)—that’s
news. Stand-up/very funny Funniest Person Nathan Brannon has just announced a new monthly
comedy show called the Hamster Village, which
promises to marry a range of comedic approaches with video sketches and panel discussions.
“There are many different forms of comedy, and I
would like to show how they can work together,”
explains Brannon. “I want the comedians to show
what they can do, not only with stand-up but with
sketches and improv.
“I called it ‘the Hamster Village’ partly because, depending on what pieces you add, you
can control the direction of the tunnels,” he con-

GOD SAVE THE ZINE
A monthly showcase for local zine authors, with live presentations, merch tables, and live music from DJ Bar
Hopper. Jack London Bar at the Rialto, 529 SW 4th,
227-5327, 7:30 pm

TUESDAY 9/25

NOCHE DE LOS POETAS
An open mic featuring works from the canons of poets
such as Pablo Neruda and Federico Garcia Lorca, as well
as works from local authors. Miracle Theatre (Teatro Milagro), 525 SE Stark, 236-7253, 7 pm, free

WEDNESDAY 9/26
JOHNNY SHAW

A reading and discussion about the latest book from
Shaw, Big Maria, a comic caper novel about a mine
named Big Maria, and the treasures legend says still reside inside it. Murder by the Book, 3210 SE Hawthorne,
232-9995, Wed 7 pm

A STEADY RAIN
Hellfire productions presents a play by Keith Huff, about
two tarnished Chicago beat cops who struggle with the
balance between corruption and compromise when they
come upon a naked teenage girl in an alley. Shoe Box
Theater, 2110 SE 10th, 971-244-3740, Thurs-Fri 7:30
pm and Sun 4 pm, through Oct 7, $20-35

SWEENEY TODD
Portland Center Stage dips their toe, for the first time
ever, into the bloody waters of Sondheim with the musical
telling of a psychotic barber’s attempts to switch careers
to the food service industry. Gerding Theater at the Armory, 128 NW 11th, 445-3700, Tues-Sun 7:30 pm, SatSun 2 pm and Thurs noon, through Oct 21

She’s fucking gross, and mean as hell, too. Some say
she’s lovable but that’s just something you say to excuse
the fact she makes you laugh at heinous shit you have
no business laughing at. She’s a magician of profanity.
Arlene Schnitzer Concert Hall, 1037 SW Broadway,
248-4335, Fri Sept 21, 8 pm, $45.25

DON QUIXOTE AND SANCHO PANZA:
HOMELESS IN SEATTLE

The Tony Award-winning musical about a gumptious
hayseed who does some good in the world through
sheer force of sunny disposition, along with the help of
her friends, and her yapping little purse-dog. Newmark
Theatre, 1111 SW Broadway, 248-4335, opens Sept
22, runs Thurs-Fri 7:30, Sat 2 & 7:30 pm, Sun 2 pm,
through Oct 7, $36-64

Theatre Now presents a performance of Yasmina Reza’s
Moliere Award-winning play about two friends, one who
bought a painting for a ridiculous amount of money, the
other who can’t understand why the hell he’d want to do
that. Victory Gallery, 733 NW Everett. Fri Sept 21, 7:30
pm, Sat Sept 22, 7:30 pm and Sun Sept 23, 4 pm, $15-20.

A staged reading of Rose Cano’s adaptation of the
classic tale, transporting Don Quixote and Sancho
Panza into modern Seattle, and letting them navigate
the healthcare system as elderly homeless people.
Part of La Luna Nueva, an annual festival of Hispanic
arts and culture. Miracle Theatre, 525 SE Stark, 2367253, Sun Sept 23, 5 pm, $7-10

AR
ND B
A
T
RAN

UR
5P
NOW M-M
SE

A Brilliant Novel in the Works, Zalkow’s debut novel, is
the story of Yuvi trying to write his debut novel while his
life falls apart on such a scale that the story travels from
the top of his desk to Uranus and back. Annie Bloom’s
Books, 7834 SW Capitol Hwy, 246-0053, 7 pm

THE UNSEEN EYE
A collection of photographs curated by W.M. Hunt, centered on the common theme of faces averted, obscured,
or closed off to all stimulus. Among the photographers
included are Diane Arbus, Richard Avedon, Robert Frank,
and Robert Mapplethorpe. Blue Sky Gallery, 122 NW
8th, 225-0210, through Sept 30

WORLD WITHIN THE WORLD
An exhibit of works from local artist Julia Gfrorer, including original comic pages and illustrations. Floating World
Comics, 400 NW Couch, 241-0227, through Sept 30

AVENUE Q
Triangle Productions presents the Tony Award-winning
comedy/musical about racism, homophobia, homelessness, unemployment, and finding the purpose to life,
performed with puppets. No children under 17 admitted

For a complete calendar of arts
events, see portlandmercury.com

September 20, 2012 Portland Mercury 35

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neighborhood on swan island in north pdx

modern american favorites with a global flair
SE Ankeny at 24th â&#x20AC;˘ 503-236-4997 â&#x20AC;˘ slideinnpdx.com

Happy hours:
5:30-7 pm nightly and 9 pm until close

36 Portland Mercury September 20, 2012

Monday & Tuesday
all night happy hour

LAST SUPPER

Pop-Up Psychologist

EAT IT!

Anthony Cafiero’s Spin on New Spanish Cuisine by Chris Onstad

NOLAN CALISCH

ANTHONY CAFIERO is one of a handful of Portland chefs who are attempting to
advance avant-garde cooking in a sophisticated market that has, curiously, been less
than receptive. Why, in this culinary mecca,
have the techniques of “new Spanish,” or
molecular gastronomy, yet to take hold?
Cafiero, 31, is a respected veteran of
Paley’s Place, Veritable Quandary, Nostrana, Ten 01, and Tabla, some of our
city’s most noteworthy institutions. More
recently he's become a skilled and charming evangelist for this misunderstood and
decidedly un-motherly cooking, but despite his immersion circulators and easy
way with agar-agar (an inexpensive, fat
free, and stable alternative to butter), the
fundamental concerns of hospitality, flavor,
and pacing are central to his menus. He
uses techniques to keep himself intellectually stimulated as much as dazzle the customer, in whom he places faith that a good,
challenging product will be appreciated.
I sat down with this whippet-thin
d’Artagnan recently to discuss the slow uptake of this style of cuisine in an otherwise
ambitious city, his hotly anticipated restaurant Ración, and how he conceptualizes the
perfect dish.
MERCURY: Why has Portland, a city of
particularly educated and curious diners, not embraced the sort of modernist
food you specialize in?
ANTHONY CAFIERO: I think the reason we
don’t have super bad-ass restaurants here is
because we don’t have tons of international
diners frequenting our city every year. Locals
also happen to be very good home cooks,
resulting in a push for restaurants to raise the
bar for good food—only, it happens to be very
normal and safe good food. A diner will not
go out to a restaurant if (a) they can cook
better than the chef at the restaurant, or (b)
they don’t understand the techniques or cuisine of the particular chef or restaurant.
You’ve said small plates are a trend we
will see more of this year (Aviary, Smallwares, Biwa). Why is that dining format
popular right now?
Small plates are cool in town, I think, because people are over the big entrée, and
they want more of a variety of flavors, smaller portions of each so that they can order
three $10 items instead of one $30 item.
Also, I think people are looking after their
overall consumption these days, and they
want the most value for their dollar. I know

that one-third of my $30 entrée is cheap
starch. That is why small plates are so interesting: less filler, more imagination, higherquality ingredient.
What is the idea behind your upcoming
restaurant, Ración? What will a meal
there entail?
My idea for Ración changes every day. Right
now, it’s going to be the best 20 seats in
Portland. The pop-up dinners [Cafiero has
run a half-dozen pop-up dinners to help dial
in his offerings] are a direct reflection of my
ideal restaurant. Set menu, eager diners, interaction with the cooks, that kind of thing.
It will be fun, but also high end at the same
time. I’m thinking dishes being ordered à la
carte will range from $10 to $20, and the
tasting menu may be available in a five- or
seven-course. There will also be small, free
extras between some courses, amuses and
palate cleansers. I want strong, modern-leaning cocktails that people will want to drink
throughout their meal, but also offer a smart
wine list, sherry, and dessert wine. I also
want to keep the corkage fee at $5, which is
unheard of in Portland.
What are your key elements in composing a dish?
Food has to be built like a perfect dessert.
Crunchy, smooth, fatty, clean, saucy, built
interestingly, easy to eat. That’s how I work
modern techniques into dishes. I’m not thinking, “Damn, I really want to stick a foam on
this… what should it be?” I’m thinking, “I
want horseradish on this pork cheek dish,
but I want it to be in the background. I also
want some dynamic color and texture in
this dish, since a pork cheek is brown and
dense. Oh, I know, I’ll make a horseradish
tea and turn it into a foam, something white
and spoonable and light.” That’s how things
evolve. I ask myself where is the crunch, the
craveability, the must-have-ness of the dish.
Then as I build it, it’s very dependent on the
plates that I have. How the food looks on a
particular plate is super important to me. It’s
the painter’s palette—the delivery vehicle.
That’s when certain ingredients get chosen
for a dish simply because of their color or
how they look cut or what happens to them
when you purée or dry them.
At the base of all this, though, is an understanding of classic flavor combinations and
traditional ingredients.

BELLA
FACCIA
PIZZERIA

Saturday, September 22
3PM-6PM

Eight Portland chefs prepare signature tapas, each paired with a
Spanish wine or cider from De Maison Selections.

Porron Pour Contest!
Txakoli Bar!
Sherry Bar!
$30 per person
(includes a token to each chefs station and wine pairing)

See the Mercury movie section for showtimes, and visit our NEW website

w w w .H o l l y

w o o d T H e a T r e . org

38 Portland Mercury September 20, 2012

FILM

Of Men and The Master

Paul Thomas Anderson’s Love Note to Scientology by Wm. Steven Humphrey
WHILE DIRECTOR Paul Thomas An- Something needs to give, and so enters
derson and his cast continue to stress Lancaster Dodd (played by Philip Seymour Hoffman), the “master”
that their new fi lm The MasThe Master
of a startup religion/selfter is not about Scientology,
dir. Paul Thomas Anderson
help cult called “The Cause”
of course it’s about ScientolOpens Fri Sept 21
(played by Scientology). For
ogy. In fact, the repeated
Various Theaters
Dodd, Quell is the perfect pareferences to Scientology
are nearly overwhelming, and about as tient/guinea pig; an “animal” who, once his
thinly veiled as a Frederick’s of Holly- “ancient trauma” is revealed though tests,
study, and psychological torture, will
wood negligee.
But… they’re right. The Master is not hopefully graduate to a higher order of human… the human we were created to be.
about Scientology.
One is tempted to gleefully approach
Deep in its beautiful guts, The Master is about a man trying to better him- The Master as the cinematic counterself—and just about any religion or faith part to a juicy Vanity Fair hit piece—
could’ve served as the vehicle propelling but upon viewing, one quickly realizes
that Anderson is reaching for much
this fascinating fi lm.
It’s the end of World War II, and ex- more. Rather than heaping scorn on a
sailor Freddie Quell (Joaquin Phoenix) pseudo-faith, Anderson’s The Master is
is a goddamn drunk. And not just a gar- a gorgeously filmed rumination on huden-variety alcoholic, but an obliteration man need: the need to be self-aware,
boozer who makes his own hooch out of the need to be accepted, the need to be
paint thinner and rubbing alcohol. He’s loved. As much as drunkard Quell needs
also vengeful, hypersexual, and perhaps to make peace with his past, Dodd needs
(or perhaps not) an involuntary murderer. to be accepted, respected, and appreci-

ated for what he believes is the rescue
of the human species. In the end, what
each of these characters receives speaks
more about humanity and religion than
any one-note Vanity Fair exposé could
ever hope to accomplish.

THE MASTER Emperor Klaktu of Rigel VII gives it 23 tentacles up!

Film Is Dead

Long Live Film! Side by Side and the Digital Revolution by Erik Henriksen
“DIGITAL TECHNOLOGY is evolving gest transitions in its history.
Side by Side’s useful as a history lesto a point that it may very well replace
fi lm as the primary means of creating and son too, tracking the rise of digital cameras from consumer-level
sharing motion pictures,”
Side by Side
camcorders to Michael
Keanu Reeves narrates at
dir. Christopher Kenneally
Mann’s stunning vision of
the beginning of Side by
Fri Sept 21-Sun Sept 23
Los Angeles in Collateral,
Side, speaking over quick
Hollywood Theatre
making side-trips to highcuts from Sin City, The
(also available On Demand)
light innovations from the
Curious Case of Benjamin
Button, Slumdog Millionaire, and Ava- Dogme 95 movement and the revolutiontar—all fi lms shot digitally. Considering ary use of digital color timing in O Broththe state of cinematography and distri- er, Where Art Thou? But more interestbution—with digital cameras and projec- ingly, it digs into human reactions to the
tors having all but muscled out traditional shift, with an impressive array of talking
35mm—Reeves probably should’ve just heads—from directors to editors to spesaid “has replaced” instead of “may very cial effects supervisors—weighing in on
well replace.” Still, Side by Side shows a how digital fi lmmaking has changed the
pretty great cross-section of the fi lm in- way movies are made, watched, and sold.
dustry as it grapples with one of the big- There are the usual giddy proponents of

FILM

derson, Quentin Tarantino, Rian Johnson,
Wes Anderson, and Steven Spielberg.)
But for all the talking—and boasting,
and hand-wringing—most of the fun of Side
by Side comes down to simply hearing accomplished filmmakers geek out. Like when
Reeves asks David Lynch if he’s truly done
with 35mm: “Don’t hold me to it, Keanu,”
Lynch says, in a line I want to be my new
ringtone, “but I think I am.”

digital (James Cameron, George Lucas,
Danny Boyle, Steven Soderbergh, Robert Rodriguez, David Fincher), some unexpected proponents (Martin Scorsese),
too few young, independent voices (Lena
Dunham), and a
couple of fi lmmakers who steadfastly
oppose digital, personified here largely
by an exceedingly
g r u mpy Ch r i st o pher Nolan. (That’s
too bad, considering 35mm still has
a swath of talented
devotees who don’t
show up here, like
Paul Thomas An- SIDE BY SIDE The Wachowskis: Sad you didn’t see Speed Racer.

Scars vs. Helmets

Dredd: A Brilliantly Dumb Homage to Classic Verhoeven by Vince Mancini
THE FIRST THING you need to know shockingly good. Shocking not necessarily
about Dredd is that Karl Urban never because it’s so incredibly good, but because
the possibility of it being even
takes his helmet off. There’s
Dredd
slightly good seemed so remote.
a scene near the end where
dir. Pete Travis
I mean, imagine someone saying
his space pants are pulled up
Opens Fri Sept 21
they’d remade Battlefield Earth.
so high I could draw a topoVarious Theaters
That’s what Dredd sounds like to
graphical map of his balls from
memory, but his eyes and forehead retain most of us aware only of the source material
through Sly Stallone slurring “Aayyy yam
their mystery.
The second thing to know is that all the the law!” in some half-remembered trailer
from the ’90s.
bad guys have scars.
Even putting aside the history, usuThe third thing to know about Dredd
(note: not in order of importance) is that it’s ally when people tell you that a movie is

As for the nuts and bolts of the film, the
acting from all parties—and especially its
cinematography—is a thing of sensitive,
nuanced beauty. And while there’s a certain meandering, elusive quality that may
momentarily spawn a twinge of mistrust
in Anderson’s powers, rest assured each
sweeping frame is there for a reason, and
The Master is one of those rare fi lms that
will have you reflecting on your own selfawareness for days to come.

FILM

“Dumb but fun!” it means, “It’s awful,
but I’m a moron!” Dredd is the exception: It succeeds in finding that elusive
mix of tongue-in-cheek camp and visceral
thrill. Karl Urban’s self-aware rendition
of KILL BAD GUY/CATCHPHRASE is
Arnold for the modern age, with a backing
track of Verhoeven-esque ultraviolence.
Everyone likes dead bad guys, but usually
B-movies screw up by overcomplicating
things. (Lockout had 50 confusing MacGuffi ns and plot twists like the director
thought he was making Memento.) Dredd

Comment on these stories at portlandmercury.com

is new-brutalism simple (two FUTURECOPS have to make it out of a drug-lordcontrolled, 200-story high-rise, Raidstyle), there are just enough tweaks to the
tropes that it doesn’t get boring, and the
posturing is subtle enough that you don’t
feel like you’re watching a Spike TV sizzle
reel.
When Dredd tells drug queen Ma-Ma
(Lena Headey, AKA Cersei Lannister,
AKA Sarah Connor) over the high-rise loudspeaker, “You are not the law. I am the law,”
it gives Stallone’s dopey, apropos-of-nothing
catchphrase a believable context. When
Dredd throws a bad guy down an elevator
shaft, all he does is look down and say, “Yup.”
That’s all it needs. In fact, that’s all this
review needs. Dredd: Yup.
September 20, 2012 Portland Mercury 39

WHEN A MOVIE is “based on a true is why it’s super weird when, a few minstory,” what typically results is a gener- utes into a busy Friday night shift, a man
ously fictionalized account of a salacious on the telephone identifying himself as
news tidbit. Compliance takes a different a police officer has persuaded Sandra to
take an employee in the back
road: It doesn’t speculate about
Compliance
room, strip her naked, and keep
its characters or their motivadir. Craig Zobel
tions, and it doesn’t flesh out Opens Fri Sept 21 her there for a horrific few hours.
Pretty Becky (Dreama Walker)
the facts. It simply recounts
Cinema 21
has been stealing from customthe improbable events that occurred in Mount Washington, Kentucky, in ers, says the man on the phone, and he’ll
2004, when a prank caller to a McDonald’s have some officers on the scene soon. In
posed as a police officer and convinced the the meantime? Take off her clothes. Take
manager to strip search—and worse—a off her underwear. Take a look inside.
Compliance is careful to avoid senfemale employee.
The fi lm opens in a “Chickwich” park- sationalizing its material—though to be
ing lot, where manager Sandra (Ann fair, the material is pretty sensational on
Dowd) is signing for a last-minute de- its own. There’s a persistent fascination
livery, rushed in after an employee left in the way the man on the phone asserts
a freezer open and spoiled their stock. his authority over Sandra and the other
The delivery driver chews Sandra out for employees he talks to—instructing them
mismanagement of her store, and Sandra to call him “sir,” alternately threatening
takes it, a scene that establishes some of and praising them. Compliance is excruthe power dynamics and social hierar- ciatingly uncomfortable to watch, but it
chies that’ll be explored to such disturb- pulls off the complicated trick of making
the audience understand how so many
ing effect later in the fi lm.
Sandra seems like a nice lady—hard people could accept a situation that’s so
working and by the book, but fair. Which patently wrong.

COMPLIANCE Those Jerky Boys are at it again!

Rounding the Bend

FILM

Trouble with the Curve Takes It Easy on Clint by Marjorie Skinner

AS IF TO PREEMPT the references drops impressively obscure bits of baseto his infamous turn at the Republican ball trivia, shoots perfect games of pool,
National Convention, Trouble with the and drinks single malt scotch out of the
bottle to demonstrate the
Curve begins with Clint
Trouble with the Curve acuity she earned travelEastwood, as legendary
dir. Robert Lorenz
ing through a world of “men
Atlanta Braves scout Gus,
Opens Fri Sept 21
who cursed, drank, and
talking to inanimate obVarious Theaters
farted” after her mother’s
jects—his penis, his coffee
table, his half-eaten can of Spam. It’s all death. Adams manages to leaven her
to demonstrate his grumpy contention character’s fetishized ball busting with a
with the aging process (Eastwood is 82), natural vulnerability, striking a delicate
most troublingly manifested in the form of balance that stands out against the fi lm’s
macular degeneration that has impaired many blunt strokes. Love interest Johnny
his ability to drive—and gauge prospec- (Justin Timberlake), for instance, is little
tive major-leaguers on the field. Despite more than an amiable, smitten puppy dog;
his efforts to hide it from his employees, the snotty characters are punished, while
it seems inevitable Gus will soon be “put the humble are rewarded; and the rapidity
out to pasture,” and so, at the urging of and ease with which plot points resolve at
his best friend Pete (John Goodman), his the fi lm’s conclusion are either laughably
workaholic attorney daughter Mickey simplistic or intentionally nostalgic.
On whole, Trouble wears its mantle just
(Amy Adams) joins him on what may be
fine. As a perfectly enjoyable, unchallenghis last tour of duty.
In what’s less a sports movie than a ing, and un-confusing outing that won’t
dad-and-daughter drama with watered- make you laugh or cry too hard, it’s utterly
down, non-threatening humor, Mickey efficient and downright unremarkable.
September 20, 2012 Portland Mercury 41

A few years ago, news broke that 18 girls in a
Massachusetts high school got pregnant during one
school year, possibly the result of a pregnancy pact.
17 Girls relocates that provocative premise to a small
French town, where the pregnancy of a devastatingly
charismatic alpha female prompts over a dozen copycat
pregnancies. Slow-paced and stylishly mopey, it’s less
about individual characters than pretty teenagers en
masse, as they leap heedlessly into life-altering decisions,
unable to imagine life after age 18 and disbelieving that
any adult could possibly lead a life worth living. But while
it may be accurate to film teenaged girls as if they’re
herd animals, the film’ disinterest in individual characters
gives it a drifting, unmoored quality. ALISON HALLETT
Clinton Street Theater.

25 NEW FACES OF INDEPENDENT FILM

A survey of emerging filmmakers, selected by Filmmaker
Magazine. This year’s picks include Eugene filmmaker
Ian Clark, who will be in attendance. Northwest Film
Center’s Whitsell Auditorium.

★ APOCALYPSE: A BILL CALLAHAN

TOUR DOCUMENTARY

See My, What a Busy Week!, pg. 15. Hollywood
Theatre.

ARBITRAGE

Arbitrage opens on a warm family scene: Dead-eyed
Robert (Richard Gere) shares a birthday dinner with
his wife and children, reveling in the love of his family and the imminent sale of his company. It’s an enviable, candlelit vision of the good life—and its hollowness
is quickly revealed when Robert dashes off for a visit
with his gap-toothed French mistress. Robert’s business dealings are as shady as his personal ones, turns
out, and he’s eager to sell his company before anyone
realizes he’s been cooking the books. An accident and
a cover-up straight from the pages of Bonfire of the
Vanities further undo Robert’s good-guy façade. Rich
people are the worst. There’s not a trace of ambiguity
or moral complexity here—yes, Arbitrage functions as
a reminder that rich people play by different rules than
the rest of us. But so was watching the Republican
National Convention, so is reading a newspaper, and
so is being a reasonably attentive member of society.
ALISON HALLETT Living Room Theaters.

★ BEASTS OF THE SOUTHERN WILD
I’ll let you in on a secret: Writing negative reviews is pretty
easy. Every doofy plot twist and bungled CG jumpkick pulls
you out of the moviegoing experience, allowing you plenty of
time to compose elaborately mean puns for your headline.
It’s harder to review a movie when it succeeds—and I mean
really succeeds, in that it draws you in completely. The
surreal, fantastic Beasts of the Southern Wild is that kind
of movie: You may leave the theater conflicted and even
confused, but you won’t be thinking about anything else
while you’re watching it. BEN COLEMAN Hollywood
Theatre, Liberty Theatre, Living Room Theaters.
★ THE BIG SLEEP
Humphrey Bogart spars with Lauren Bacall in Howard
Hawks’ 1946 adaptation of Raymond Chandler’s book.
There’s murder, blackmail, intrigue, and innuendo, and
despite the convoluted plot (not even Chandler could
figure out who killed the chauffeur), Bogie, as Philip
Marlowe, does a great job of keeping pace with the
audience, tugging on his earlobe in nervous confusion.
This is prototypical noir, and a fantastic detective movie;
what’s more, Marlowe’s success with the ladies is obvious inspiration for another famous film dick—you might
know him as Bond. Screening introduced by comics
writer (and Mercury contributor) Jamie S. Rich, who
will discuss how the film influenced his graphic novel
You Have Killed Me, illustrated by Joëlle Jones. NED
LANNAMANN Hollywood Theatre.

BUMPS
An avant-garde take on a supposed high school pregnancy plot, Bumps lands comfortably in the sweet spot

between competent and unwatchable. Sound and
editing issues abound, but it’s fun to see some young
ladies make a movie in their own voice. COURTNEY
FERGUSON Clinton Street Theater.

★ THE CAMPAIGN
Will Ferrell stars as Cam Brady, a four-term Congressman
from North Carolina who is running unopposed for
reelection—even when he accidentally leaves a wholesome family a dirty voicemail about rimjobs, he’s got no
fear of losing. Enter Marty Huggins (Zach Galifianakis),
the local director of tourism who gets backed by an
evil corporation in order to take Brady’s seat. Though it
pains me, I will politely refrain from telling you much more
about where the story goes, because the jaw-droppingly
horrible twists and turns are what make The Campaign
so fun. But I will say this—you know that part in the
trailer where Will Ferrell punches a baby? He punches
something way worse than that later in the movie. Think
of something worse to punch than a baby! ELINOR
JONES Various Theaters.

★ THE DARK KNIGHT RISES IMAX
If that other, decidedly more candy-colored superflick,
The Avengers, was about the importance of teamwork,
The Dark Knight Rises delivers the same message on
a deeper, much grander scale. Bladders beware: The
Dark Knight Rises runs just shy of a bottom-numbing
three hours, but you’re in competent hands with director
Christopher Nolan, who trusts your intelligence enough
to delve into the emotional life of these characters while
keeping the action hot enough to pull you from scene
to scene. There’s a finality here assuring you that not an
inch of celluloid will be wasted, and Nolan’s not going
to leave the park without swinging for the fence. WM.
STEVEN HUMPHREY OMSI Omnimax.

DAVID COPPERFIELD
The oldest known film adaptation of Dickens’ novel,
produced by the Thanhouser Film Company in New
York in 1911. Introduced by Ned Thanhouser, president
of Thanhouser Company Film Preservation. One more
time: Thanhouser! Northwest Film Center’s Whitsell
Auditorium.

★ DREDD
See review this issue. Various Theaters.

HELLO I MUST BE GOING
Thirtysomething Amy (Melanie Lynskey) has gone through
an unwanted divorce and fled Manhattan to stay at her
parents’ home in Connecticut. She’s depressed, hasn’t
changed her clothes or left the house in months, and is
wallowing in her malaise. At a dinner party for a potentially
important client for her father, Amy meets 19-year-old
Jeremy (Christopher Abbott): He is vegan, serious, cute,
and unhappy. Despite their age difference, they embark on
a weird pubescent affair. They understand each other in
their being misunderstood by their families; they are directionless people finding each other and being directionless
together. The hot sex with a younger guy finally perks Amy
up a bit, and through the experience, she discovers that the
relationships in her life aren’t necessarily what she thought
they were. The film is somewhat exasperating and you never
really get a sense of who Amy might be if she weren’t in
these particular circumstances. Soundtrack contributor
Laura Veirs will perform after the 7 pm show on Fri Sept
21. GILLIAN ANDERSON Fox Tower 10.

IT’S SUCH A BEAUTIFUL DAY
The latest from animator Don Hertzfeldt, combining
three shorts into a feature-length film. Hollywood
Theatre.

★ MEANS WE RECOMMEND IT. THEATER LOCATIONS ARE ACCURATE FRIDAY SEPTEMBER 21-THURSDAY SEPTEMBER 27,
UNLESS OTHERWISE NOTED. FILM TIMES AND SHORTS ARE ALSO AVAILABLE AT PORTLANDMERCURY.COM.

42 Portland Mercury September 20, 2012

FILM SHORTS
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TROUBLE WITH THE CURVE
★ JACKPOT FILM FESTIVAL
See My, What a Busy Week!, pg. 15, and jackpotrecords.com. Bagdad Theater.
★ LAWLESS
Before strapping on the gimp mask in The Dark Knight
Rises, and before terrifying/thrilling everyone in Bronson,
British actor Tom Hardy was winning modeling contests
and playing Patrick Stewart’s shaven, sniveling clone in
Star Trek: Nemesis. Not the most auspicious beginning,
and one that seems even stranger when watching the
confident, beautiful, and violent Lawless, the latest from
The Proposition and The Road director John Hillcoat.
All but unrecognizable, Hardy shuffles and grunts his
way through 1931 Virginia, where he and his brothers
Jack (Shia LaBeouf) and Howard (Jason Clarke) run
moonshine. Hardy, predictably, is fantastic—taciturn and
grim until he’s pushed, at which point he becomes all
speed and brass knuckles—but Lawless is Jack’s story.
Like a backwoods The Godfather, we follow Jack as
he clumsily tries to impress his tough brothers. ERIK
HENRIKSEN Various Theaters.
★ THE MASTER
See review this issue. Various Theaters.
★ MOONRISE KINGDOM
Wes Anderson, god bless him, just keeps making Wes
Anderson movies. As expected, Moonrise Kingdom is
mannered, precious, nostalgic, and twee—and it’s also
about as good a movie about childhood as an adult is
capable of making. ALISON HALLETT Cinemagic,
Fox Tower 10, Hollywood Theatre, St. Johns Twin
Cinemas.

PARANORMAN
Stop me if you’ve heard this one before: There’s this
little kid, and he can see dead people. Now, I know what
you’re thinking: “This kid, he’s probably well adjusted
and super popular with his peers, am I right? A hit with
all the ladies?” No! Believe it or not, he’s kind of an
outcast! A social pariah, even! Okay, now I don’t want
to spoil anything, but the twist? This social handicap of
his might turn out to save the day. Sounds crazy, right?
I know, but it’s true! That, unfortunately, is the recyclingbin plot the talented animators at LAIKA have saddled
themselves with on ParaNorman. It doesn’t get any
better in the telling, and probably gets worse, which is
a shame, because the animation is so finely crafted and
obviously painstaking that not loving it makes you feel like
a real poopface. VINCE MANCINI Various Theaters.

PROMETHEUS

A prequel to Alien, Ridley Scott’s return to science
fiction, and, on both counts, a disappointment. ERIK
HENRIKSEN Academy Theater.

★ THE QUEEN OF VERSAILLES
Documentarian Lauren Greenfield got career-definingly
lucky with The Queen of Versailles. When she began
making a movie about the construction of the largest
house in America—a 90,000-square-foot monstrosity
designed by time-share mogul David Siegel and his wife
Jackie—Greenfield inadvertently secured herself a frontrow seat to the Siegels’ plunge from mindless excess to
fiscal uncertainty when the financial crisis wiped out most
of David’s assets. As head of the world’s most successful time-share operation, David made his fortune selling
poor people the illusion of wealth, two weeks a year at
a time. As his son puts it, “Everyone wants to be rich. If
they can’t be rich, the next best thing is to feel rich.” And
the third best thing is to watch tacky rich people lose all
their money and have to put their kids in public school.
ALISON HALLETT Laurelhurst Theater.
★ RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK
“Professor of archeology, expert on the occult, and... how
does one say it? Obtainer of rare antiquities.” Various
Theaters.

RESIDENT EVIL: RETRIBUTION

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The new Resident Evil movie is just like all the other ones.
No better, no worse. In other words, it’s mindless, goresplattered eye candy. Milla Jovovich shoots monsters while
wearing what can best be described as a “battle corset,”
there are communist zombies on motorcycles, and the
movie has not one but two Michelle Rodriguezes. Doesn’t
that sound fun? It is fun! Yes, liking these movies probably
does mean you’re a spectacle-driven philistine, but that’s
okay. Just give yourself over. Enjoy it. Bask in the great pool
of guns and blood that is Resident Evil and grin like an idiot.
JOE STRECKERT Various Theaters.

★ ROLLING THUNDER
See My, What a Busy Week!, pg. 15. Hollywood
Theatre.
★ ROSEMARY’S BABY
See My, What a Busy Week!, pg. 15. Hollywood
Theatre.
★ SAFETY NOT GUARANTEED
Until the dark day of I Can Has Cheezburger: The Movie!,
Safety Not Guaranteed will stand—as far as I can tell—as
the only motion picture inspired by an internet meme.
While its origins make Safety Not Guaranteed sound
slight and disposable—a few steps above Battleship
in Hollywood’s “Oh shit, what else can we turn into
a movie?!” descent—the difference is that Safety Not
Guaranteed is both staunchly independent and very, very
good. Sweet and clever, it’s a film that transcends its
roots to become—and I know we’re only halfway through
2012, but fuck it—one of the best films of the year. ERIK
HENRIKSEN Bagdad Theater, Laurelhurst Theater.
★ SIDE BY SIDE
See review this issue. Hollywood Theatre.
★ SLEEPWALK WITH ME
Turn on NPR and you’ll hear an example: “Real people”
telling “true stories” are everywhere these days. Stand-up
comedian Mike Birbiglia is a real person who has a true
story about his career in comedy, ending a relationship,
and a sleep disorder, and he’s gotten pretty good at
telling it: First in a one-man show, then a book, and now
the gently endearing film Sleepwalk with Me, co-written
with storytelling high priest Ira Glass. Describing a story
as “true” suggests there’s only one way to tell it, but if
this mild little comedy has a moral, it’s this: Even a true
story is changed in the telling. The best we can do is
to tell our stories honestly and well. ALISON HALLETT
Kiggins Theatre, Living Room Theaters.

TOTAL RECALL
It lacks the bloody, bug-eyed lunacy of Paul Verhoeven’s
Total Recall, but this one—directed by Underworld and
Live Free or Die Hard’s Len Wiseman—is both a lot of
fun and a lot better than it needs to be. There are nods
to Verhoeven’s film, but for the most part, Wiseman
and screenwriters Kurt Wimmer and Mark Bomback
are content to dole out loads of splashy, spazzy action,
craft dizzying, gorgeous futurescapes (Wiseman cleverly
blends the visuals of two other loosely-inspired-by-Dick
films, Blade Runner and Minority Report), and let Colin
Farrell be all Jason Bourne in the Year 2084. ERIK
HENRIKSEN Academy Theater, Avalon, Kennedy
School, Laurelhurst Theater, Milwaukie Cinemas.

TROUBLE WITH THE CURVE

See review this issue. Various Theaters.

WALK-IN

The Oregon-made Walk-In is more of a promotional
video than a movie. To be fair, it looks like a movie, having
been made with good cameras and sound equipment,
but the acting and dialogue isn’t at a professional level,
and the plot is an unparsable mashup of spiritual selfhelp. Walk-In’s advertising materials claim it’s about a
cancer patient who gets reincarnated as a puppy, which,
to be fair, is a thing that happens. But it’s mostly about
an angel who wanders around lecturing people and
buying oranges. None of it is as fun as it sounds. BEN
COLEMAN Laurelhurst Theater.

UNLESS OTHERWISE NOTED. FILM TIMES AND SHORTS ARE ALSO AVAILABLE AT PORTLANDMERCURY.COM.

September 20, 2012 Portland Mercury 43

SAVAGE LOVE

Double Trouble by Dan Savage

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The Mercury Music Blog

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44 Portland Mercury September 20, 2012

Now Playing at
endhits.portlandmercury.com

Healthy straight male here. The problem is
twofold: My girlfriend doesn’t like come in her
mouth and she feels that doggy-style is objectifying to women. Therefore, we don’t do either.
She says she wants to get more comfortable
and try these things. But they never seem to
happen—and when I bring them up, it turns
into a touchy discussion. These are #1 and
#2, respectively, on my list of favorite things
to do in the bedroom, and I’m not okay with
not doing them indefinitely. The sex is otherwise great, but I do think there’s a double standard at work here. She had an ex who refused
to go down on her. When I said, “He needed
to man up and take one for the team, even if
he didn’t like it,” she readily agreed with me.
So why can’t she “take one for the team” and
swallow my come? I would feel bad if she were
doing something she wasn’t comfortable with,
but it disappoints me when she
takes my dick out of her mouth
and points it at my stomach when
I start to come. I think she has a
double standard.
Really Anxious Not Doing
Yearnings
P.S. We’ve been dating only about
three months, so I understand
there is plenty of time for her to
get more comfortable. I love being
with her, I can’t get enough of her,
and I can see this becoming a lifelong relationship. But I don’t want to have to
miss out on my bedroom favorites for the rest
of my life.
The comparison you’re making between your
girlfriend and her ex isn’t really fair. Your girlfriend’s ex-boyfriend refused to go down on
her. Not only does your girlfriend go down on
you, RANDY, she’s getting you off. Her blowjobs may not wrap up the way you’d like—with
her swallowing your come—but you are getting blowjobs.
Sorry, RANDY, but where you see a double
standard on the girlfriend’s part, I see only
whining on yours. Swallowing is extra credit.
It’s not a course requirement. I say this as
someone who gives and receives blowjobs: If
someone sucks your dick until you come, you
got your damn blowjob. What a blower does
with the blowee’s come after the blowjob is
over—spit, swallow, spread it on toast—is the
blower’s call to make.
And your girlfriend may have a good reason for not swallowing your come, RANDY.
Semen contains prostaglandins—“a group
of lipid compounds that are derived enzymatically from fatty acids and have important
functions in the animal body,” says Wiki—and
some people experience explosive diarrhea
shortly after ingesting the prostaglandins in
semen. It’s possible that your girlfriend isn’t
swallowing because she doesn’t want to have
to run to the bathroom two minutes later and
take a noisy shit while her new boyfriend listens in the next room.
Or, hey, maybe your girlfriend just doesn’t
like the way semen tastes. Or maybe she’s had
boyfriends in the past who “lost control” and
shoved their dicks down her throat as they came.
Or maybe swallowing turns her off for the same
reason that doggy-style does, i.e., she sees it
as objectifying and/or degrading. And maybe
if you’re patient, RANDY, your girlfriend will
come around and your #1 and #2 favorite sex
things will enter into regular rotation.
Of course, it’s possible that your girlfriend
is lying to you. People have been known to
make vague and insincere promises about all
the blowjobs, three-ways, and kinks they’ll get
into once they “feel more comfortable” with
a new partner. Your girlfriend, like so many
other girlfriends and boyfriends before her,
may be trying to run out the clock. She may
hope that by the time you realize she’s never
going to do your bedroom favorites, you’ll be
too emotionally invested in the relationship to
dump her.

I’m a female in my mid-20s who loves to
give head. The problem is, I think I’m giving head too soon and guys don’t see me as
relationship material. I’ve been in only one
relationship that was longer than a casual
hookup, and that particular ex was a shecomes-first/worship-the-pussy kinda guy.
(I didn’t get to touch his dick until we were
about a month in!) Most of the straight girls
I hang out with believe that a guy needs to
earn getting his dick sucked. My gay friends
don’t see the problem. My straight guy
friends chuckle and say “depends” when I
ask if I’m blowing a guy too soon. I really
enjoy sucking dick, so once I’m horny, it’s
so hard to resist the impulse. How soon is
too soon? Do you think that I would actually
benefit by stopping this pattern?
Blowing Losers or What?
Generally, BLOW, I believe a person should do what she likes—and
if you like giving head, give head.
And if getting head scares a boy
N off, well, he was the wrong boy for
TO
EW
N
you. (I’m having a hard time picE
JO
turing a guy who wouldn’t want
to date a woman who enjoys giving head—are there many guys
like that out there?) But there’s a
simple way to fi nd out if the guys
you’re meeting make date/dump
distinctions between girls who blow ’em right
away and girls who make ’em wait: Stop sucking guys off on the fi rst date and see if they
stick around longer.
I had to write after reading your response
to Wanted Toys Too, the aunt who wanted to
buy her niece a dildo. I was once a teenage
girl whose older cousin tried to “help me out”
this way, and I was mortifi ed. WTT wants to
get her niece a sex toy, she said, because WTT
experimented with a plastic banana when she
was a girl because she didn’t want “a penis
to be the first thing of substance put in [her]
vagina.” Guess what? That is exactly what I
wanted, so I had no need for a dildo, and I had
access to plenty of good sex advice! Advice that
I asked for! This aunt is projecting her crap
on her niece! She should back off and mind her
own business.
MYOB About Sex
You goofed in your reply to WTT. Instead
of getting information from sex-shop owners, why didn’t you get information from a
mental health expert? We’re talking about
a 14-year-old who is emotionally fragile as
she struggles through the years of defining
self and understanding her own sexuality!
Here’s what you should’ve told WTT: “Back
off. See a therapist. Get a boyfriend. Get a
hobby. MYOB, Auntie.”
EE, LMSW
In fairness to WTT, MYOBAS and EELMSW,
WTT had her niece’s mother’s permission to
get her daughter a sex toy. My mother encouraged her kids to talk with one of her sisters
about any sexual issues we weren’t comfortable
discussing with our parents, so… it’s possible
that WTT’s niece has expressed an interest in
a sex toy of her very own. It’s also possible that
(1) WTT’s niece hasn’t expressed an interest
in a sex toy and would be mortified by the offer, and (2) my response to WTT was colored
by my own relationship with my sex-questionanswering aunt. With the benefit of 20/20
hindsight, to say nothing of a fi le full of angry
emails, I’ll amend my advice to WTT with this:
If your niece hasn’t asked for help, info, or a sex
toy, better to MYOB.
Find the Savage Lovecast
at thestranger.com/savage.
mail@savagelove.net
@fakedansavage on Twitter

Comment on this story at portlandmercury.com

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™
Portland

503.299.9911

Emmys… of the FUTURE!

Salem

by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey
GUYS! THE EMMY AWARDS are this
week (ABC, Sun Sept 23, 8 pm)! But who
has the time, am I right? I am one busy
super cool horny dude, which is why I
don’t watch the Emmys—I just predict
the Emmys and thereafter accept my
predictions as FACT. For example, the
winners of this year’s Emmy Awards
are as follows: Mad Men, Girls, American Horror Story, Louis C.K., Tina Fey,
Bryan Cranston, Giancarlo Esposito,
Benedict Cumberbatch, Betty White,
and the guy who makes the drippy skin
sores for The Walking Dead. Done, done,
and DONE.
HOWEVER! The question still remains about who will win the 2013 Emmy
Awards! Luckily for you, I can make
similar insanely random predictions for
next year’s ceremony, that are close to
100 percent accurate*. And interestingly enough, some of the new shows that
are debuting this week are going to be
Emmy winners in 2013 (again, according
to Wm.™ Steven Humphrey, “the most
accurate Emmy prognosticator in the
world”†). Check ’em out!
Partners (CBS, Mon Sept 24, 8:30
pm). The winner of the 2013 Emmy for
“Most Blatantly Cynical Attempt to Win
a GLAAD Award,” Partners is a buddy
comedy about two business partners
(one straight, one gay) who make terrible
jokes in front of a laugh-track machine,
while marveling about how “alike” they
are. It will also win the Emmy for “Best
Show Involving a Gay Person That My
Grandparents Just Might Accept Because It’s on the Same Network That
Aired Murder, She Wrote.”
Ben and Kate (Fox, Tues Sept 25,
8:30 pm). And this one wins the coveted
Emmy for “Best Actually Pretty Funny
Sitcom with No Bullshit Laugh Track,
About a Stuck-Up Sister and Her Layabout Slacker Brother Who Reconnect
and Learn to Be Better People and May
or May Not Make Me Cry a Little.” Why
are you looking at me? There’s something
in my eye. STOP LOOKING AT ME!!
The Mindy Project (Fox, Tues Sept

503.689.8080

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25, 9:30 pm). Created by and starring
The Offi ce’s Mindy Kaling, this show is
probably the funniest sitcom you’ll see
all year featuring a clumsy gynecologist.
And while it will sadly not win an Emmy,
it will receive the National Vaginal Exploration Association’s coveted Golden
Speculum Award.
Vegas (CBS, Tues Sept 25, 10 pm). No,
it’s not a reboot of 1978’s awesome Vega$,
or the terrible 2003-2008 Las Vegas, but
rather a new series, starring Michael
Chiklis (The Shield) and Dennis Quaid
(Breaking Away), about a mobster and
a hillbilly howdy-do cowboy sheriff duking it out in 1960s Las Vegas. It will win
the 2013 Emmy for “Best Drama,” and—
wait. This just in… sorry. Mad Men is
gonna win that. Again.
The Neighbors (ABC, Wed Sept 26,
9:30 pm). A family moves into a gated community—and guess what? The neighbors
are human-looking extraterrestrials who
name their kids after sports stars, dress
identically, and cry green goo out of their
ears. Oh, and it’s supposed to be a “sitcom.” You know… maybe my predictive
powers are on the fritz, but I don’t think
they give Emmys for things like this.
* Plus or minus 100 percent.
† Not necessarily factually correct.

This Week on Television
THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 20
9:00 NBC THE OFFICE
Season premiere! Two new office workers arrive,
and… they’re just like Jim and Dwight?!? UGGGH!
9:30 NBC PARKS AND RECREATION
Season premiere! Leslie and Andy visit Ben and
April and Senator John McCain (?!) in Washington,
DC.

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 21
10:00 TLC SECRET PRINCES
Debut! Four actual princes look for mates in Atlanta
to take back with them to their home countries.
CREEPY.

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 22

10:00 HBO TREME
Season premiere! The neighborhood is PISSED at
a violent cop’s response to a funeral procession.

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 24
8:00 ABC DANCING WITH THE STARS
Season premiere! It’s an “all-star” (HAAAAA!!) edition featuring Kirstie Alley, Drew Lachey, and that
nobody Bristol Palin.
8:00 CBS HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER
Season premiere! Will wedding bells for Barney
and Robin turn into wedding smells? (Sorry about
that.)

8:00 FOX NEW GIRL
Season premiere! The triumphant return of the best
sitcom on TV that you inexplicably don’t like.
9:30 FOX THE MINDY PROJECT
Debut! OB/GYN Mindy has quite a mess on her
hands. (Not that kind of mess! A personal mess!
Jeez, you people.)

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 23

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 26

8:00 ABC THE EMMY AWARDS
Hosted by Jimmy Kimmel, whom I predict will be
funny. (Man, I am so good at this!)

9:00 ABC MODERN FAMILY
Season premiere! Jay celebrates another birthday in
which he wants to be left alone, and surely won’t be.

Three-time Emmy winner for “Best Twittering.” @WmSteveHumphrey

Comment on this story at portlandmercury.com

September 20, 2012 Portland Mercury 45

I SAW U
MOTOCORSA TRACK DAY

You: tall, tattooed. I’d say you were
aces on your first teaching day. You
made me feel better on my first learning day. I can think of more than
a few ways I’d like to show you my
appreciation. When: Monday, September
17, 2012. Where: PIR. You: Man. Me:
Woman. #915141

CURLIE BLOND CUTIE IN
PRODUCE
You in the blue and red, nonchalant,
at peace with the world. Me rushed
and confused, I asked you where
you found the bags. (What?!) Better
questions next time, I promise! When:
Sunday, September 16, 2012. Where:
Fred Meyer Lombard & Interstate. You:
Woman. Me: Man. #915140

Hey! Sorry about the dog snarling
ending. We’ve met 3x now, Maybe
you and Bear would want to come over
for a beer? Same hood and I have a
fenced in yard. That other dog was
totally the culprit! When: Wednesday,
August 29, 2012. Where: Alberta Park.
You: Man. Me: Woman. #915107

I was driving a white subaru on SE
12th. You were riding a bike. I felt
weird about rolling my window down
and yelling, so instead I just waved
like a goofball. Would you like to get
a drink sometime? When: Thursday,
September 13, 2012. Where: SE. You:
Woman. Me: Man. #915135

You’re the well-dressed gentleman
used to come into my work. The last
time you bought a green shirt and
tie. I’m not shy but you leave me a
bit flustered. Stop by again? This
time I won’t be so tongue-tied. When:
Saturday, August 18, 2012. Where: My
work. You: Man. Me: Woman. #915132

At the Whole Foods on Burnside. You
were nice enough to open my drink
after I had been fighting with it for
a good five or ten minutes like an
idiot. Hope I see you around. When:
Wednesday, August 29, 2012. Where:
Whole Foods on Burnside In the Cafe.
You: Man. Me: Woman. #915105

OUTSIDE CREMA
SITTING WITH IPAD

You said you liked to walk at night but
not alone. I like to walk too but not
without you. Now we are singing in
the rain, singing in the RAIN! Where
are you going now? Please one more.
ANUSHERWUN! When: Monday, August
27, 2012. Where: walking at night NoPo.
You: Transsexual (male to female). Me:
Man. #915102

I was staring at you from the shop up
the street the moment I saw you sitting
in your car, and then again when you
sat outside of Crema. You are super hot.
When: Sunday, September 2, 2012. Where:
Crema. You: Man. Me: Woman. #915121

HUNGRY TIGER
BARTENDER

YOU KENYAN ENGINEER
ME VIDEO&DANCE

CHARLES BRADLEY: SOUL OF AMERICA

Q & A with STEVE TURNER of MUDHONEY

LUNCHTIME PEARL
WALK, HEADPHONES GUY

“THE HUNTED”- BLONDE,
RED JACKET

I was waiting for a blind date. We
chatted about dramaturgy and what
states are awesome. Your name was
Steven...I smiled at the way you drank
your whiskey. I wish my date had been
with you. When: Monday, September 10,
2012. Where: Produce Row. You: Man.
Me: Woman. #915131

I’M NOW: THE STORY OF MUDHONEY

You: Supercute redhead girl in a
white Subaru wagon Me: Beardo
guy in a white truck We had a few
mutual smiles in front of Bridgeport
Village, but lights turn green...it was
8/20/2012...I bet I could make you
smile again When: Monday, August 20,
2012. Where: Bridgeport village. You:
Woman. Me: Man. #915106

It wasn’t appropriate at the time to
ask you out, but here I can. Want to
go for a bike ride? We can talk about
art and writing and other cool things. I
think we could talk for a while. When:
Sunday, September 16, 2012. Where: a
shop. You: Woman. Me: Man. #915139

GREEN SHIRT,
GREEN TIE

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 24TH

Didn’t want to be rude and interrupt
your time. But damn was I floored
by your style! I’d love to take you on
a date, most certainly, if I could be
so honored. Me: grey sweatshirt and
glasses & baby-beard. When: Monday,
September 10, 2012. Where: 26 cafe.
You: Woman. Me: Man. #915128

You are the blonde (Taylor?) that
used to work on Tuesdays. I came in
sometimes for tacos and Tecates. You
commented on my Battlestar Galactica
shirt. You haven’t been there in a couple of weeks. What happened to you?
When: Monday, September 3, 2012.
Where: Hungry Tiger Too. You: Woman.
Me: Man. #915120

we were in poetry, you taught me
about paper, i liked how you thumbed
the corners of sheets and wrote to-do
lists. catastrophic beauty in yr glance,
weak in the knees, scared the shit out
of me. signed, hopeless jerk When:
Saturday, October 1, 2011. Where: third
floor. You: Woman. Me: Man. #915101

HIGH DIVE PATIO, SUN
NIGHT

Isaac, I met you at Holocene, you
work at Intell. We talked of politics,
and street signs that say “you are very
cute”. I hesitated, but i’d like to see
you again. I’m a dancer and a video
artist. When: Saturday, September 1,
2012. Where: the Holocene. You: Man.
Me: Woman. #915119

You were performing and we made eye
contact a couple times. I had to leave
before I could talk to you. I would’ve
stayed all night just to hear your voice.
I can’t wait to see you perform again.
When: Saturday, August 25, 2012.
Where: Crush Brazil Night. You: Woman.
Me: Woman. #915098

BIKING BOY ON
HAWTHORNE

You were cashiering at the Whole
Foods on Fremont. Longish blonde
hair and bangs and beautiful smile. I
was only there for a few minutes but it
was long enough for me to appreciate
how you took my breath away. When:
Saturday, August 25, 2012. Where:
Whole Foods Fremont. You: Woman. Me:
Woman. #915097

Did you post an ad for a red haired girl
on July 6th? I was walking, you rode
up next to me, asked me to get a beer
with you. I was sad to say no. Still out
there, somewhere? When: Friday, July
6, 2012. Where: Hawthorne. You: Man.
Me: Woman. #915113

BIKE + BURRITO +
MANBABE

Hawthorne food carts late Sunday
night, you got a burrito on your bike
and stopped by to say I looked lovely
in red. You should have stayed to dine
with us. Tacos and tequila sometime?
When: Sunday, August 26, 2012. Where:
Hawthorne Food Carts. You: Man. Me:
Woman. #915111

You saw me and lingered for a bit. You
scrapping drawing supplies, and made
your way over to the register when
I was paying. I was trying to think
of something cheeky to say. Lets do
something crafty? When: Friday, August
24, 2012. Where: scrap. You: Man. Me:
Woman. #915096

Every time I bike past, see you working
and you smile at me, my heart skips
a beat... When: Wednesday, August 22,
2012. Where: the Pearl district. You:
Woman. Me: Man. #915092

DREAMY GIRL

Friday afternoon (8/17) you and your
friend were packing up to leave, I asked
if I could take your spot. You were brunette w/black ball cap, and so ridiculously cute. That is all :) When: Friday,
August 17, 2012. Where: washougal river.
You: Woman. Me: Man. #915091

Tony Millionaire’s work is published by Dark Horse Comics and online at maakies.com

MAAKIES // TONY MILLIONAIRE

Ryan North has daily comics available at qwantz.com

DINOSAUR COMICS // RYAN NORTH

ILLUSTRATION BY
KALAH ALLEN

WHEN BABIES GO BOOM
Dear Baby Boomer—Please stop endlessly talking about the
wonderful plans you have when you retire next month: two or
three trips abroad a year, sleeping in, spending time with family, reading all the books on your nightstand, and volunteering. I was happy to congratulate your accomplishment two
or three times, but when you start several meetings a week
with long retirement diatribes and comments about how the
ability to retire is entirely based on “making good choices,”
that respect turned to malice. Please respect that not all of
us Generation X working stiffs will see retirement before our
70th birthday. Many of us also made what we thought were
good choices: started working as a young teenager, served
in the military, studied hard and begged for scholarships so
we could afford higher education, bought a home, and contributed to our retirement funds diligently. Sadly, many of us
are getting screwed in ways you can’t understand: cost of
higher education outpacing Usain Bolt in a 100-meter final,
employers contributing less to our retirement every year, paying into Social Security knowing it won’t be there for us, and
being told “keeping your job is the new raise.” If the point is
to make me think of you with every paycheck, mission accomplished. I’ll think of you spending my donation on brunch
in Paris or sunscreen in Hawaii if you’ll just shut the fuck up
already.—Anonymous
Submit your unsigned confessions and accusations of 300
words or less, changing the names of the innocent and guilty,
to “I, Anonymous,” at anonymous@portlandmercury.com,
or on the new I, Anonymous blog at portlandmercury.com.
UNDERWORLD // KAZ

Kaz's work is published by Fantagraphics; view his work at kazunderworld.com

Submit your photos & art online at flickr.com/groups/portlandmercury

Hungryeyeball

IDIOT BOX // MATT BORS

Matt Bors is a Portland-based political cartoonist; view his work at mattbors.com