Author. Walker. Badass.

birthday

There is a tradition with me, Bubby, Pocket Fiancée and BFF when it comes to birthdays. We usually do dinner and game night. We love game night (as you might have read) and what game we play really varies depending on time and our mood. The birthday person gets to pick dinner and it is usually a really good time. Sometimes we vary and do a movie, but not very often because we really love game night. February is Pocket Fiancée’s birthday month so we all looked at our schedules and planned a night to do a birthday night. BFF soon dubbed it The Sadness Birthday Party.

Let me tell you something about BFF. She doesn’t eat veggies. Like ever. I swear it. She loves meat and potatoes. She must think veggies are the product of The Devil. I think the only veggie I have seen her eat voluntarily is broccoli and usually covered in cheese. How that girl does not have high cholesterol or vitamin deficiencies is really beyond me. She also does not eat fruit. How does she survive? How does she stay so thin? She also does not eat condiments. No sauces, dressings, nothing of the sort. She eats her burgers and salads (when she is forced to eat them) dry. Dry. Who eats a burger dry? That sounds so gross to me. Like eating a dry bun and a slab of meat and some cheese is all BFF puts on her burger. Ugh. That sounds like it would stick to the roof of my mouth and I would choke on the dryness, and since I live alone, there would be no one to give me the Heimlich maneuver and I would continue to choke, thereby ending my own life and dying by a dry burger. What a horrible way to die. I don’t know how BFF does it and doesn’t die. Does she have excess saliva and moisture in her mouth that doesn’t allow her to choke on the dryness? Is this her super power? Is she like a camel and spits at people and her saliva burns like acid? Now that would be an awesome super power. I want acid spit. Maybe that is why BFF eats her burgers dry. To contain the acid spit. Kind of like the creatures on the 8o’s movie Alien. Wait…does BFF have an Alien creature in her and it will explode out of her stomach? Oh no. Maybe my BFF does not have a super power but really has an Alien inside of her. These are the thoughts that keep me up at night. No really. Doesn’t everyone’s brain work like this? No? IT’s just me then? Ok well I will have to decide if I need a flame thrower to kill BFF once the Alien creature explodes out of her gut or be thankful she has an awesome super power. I am so torn.

So, when Pocket Fiancée announced what she wanted to eat for her birthday dinner, you will understand why BFF called it The Sadness Birthday Party. See, Pocket Fiancee is a vegetarian and she wanted what she called a Salad Party. Basically we all brought things for different salads and then we eat them. I didn’t mind, as I love a good salad. BFF, on the other hand, was not so sure on this concept. Being the trooper that she is though, BFF went with me to the store and we got things she would like for a salad. She even bought a dressing! What is the world coming to? She wasn’t going to eat her salad dry? Does that mean she doesn’t have super acid saliva? I was so confused. But I was proud of her for getting things she knew she would eat in a salad. Even if she thought it was sadness.

Upon getting back to my house, Bubby and Pocket Fiancée showed up with even more salad makings and the Salad/Sadness Party began for Pocket Fiancée’s birthday. Surprisingly, BFF made a massive salad and had seconds (guess she really does eat veggies sometimes) AND she used dressing (shocker). We ended the night by watching the Disney movie Moana and I might have seen Bubby get misty eyed during it. BFF did not die from consuming a salad but I bet she pooped better…lets not go there. You don’t even want to know. I still am a bit concerned she might have an Alien inside her…

Oh yeah. I didn’t die today. I did get BFF to eat a salad but I didn’t die. I am Fat Girl still wondering if BFF has an Alien inside her or acid spit superpowers Running. The experiment continues…

Like this:

Today is my birthday (insert fanfare music here) and it got me thinking about what might be my most memorable birthday which is actually hard. I am not big on celebrating my birthday but I have had some fun ones with family and friends. I tend to do something small with my favorite people and leave it at that. I don’t do parties. Even as a kid I wasn’t big on them. But one party stands out to me because my parentals tried hard to make it a fun one and there was one mishap…the pinata.

I wanted a pinata so bad for my birthday and I don’t even know why. I just know my parentals decided to fulfill this for me by making me one. I am also unclear as to how it became a ladybug but it did. Maybe this was the only shape they could manage or maybe I asked for it (I was a weird kid) but in any case, ladybug pinata it was. I was so excited to have this creation and I watched as they made a chicken wire shape and used balloons to create the ladybug. Then they proceeded to paper mache it. Does anyone even paper mache anymore? I remember this was such a big thing when I was a kid. You use a mixture of water and flour or cornstarch and soak strips of newspaper in this mixture and layer them on your frame and let them dry. It is a long process but as a kid, I thought it was the best. What kid doesn’t like taking gooey strips of newspaper and making a ladybug? After it was dried then it was painted and then I had to wait for my party to actually break it. I was thrilled. The highlight of my little life right there.

Day of the party came and to be honest, I cannot remember much except for how excited I was to smash that ladybug pinata. Such a weird thing to let kids do. You blindfold them, give them a bat or stick and let them swing blindly at a thing filled with candy. Nothing could go wrong right? Being the birthday girl, I got first shot at beating the crap out of that ladybug and I was ready. I swung and hit that ladybug with purpose I tell ya. I hit it hard and everyone cheered. But I didn’t break it. Not one crack. Other kids got a turn, swinging that bat with all their might and not one crack. So I got another turn and started hitting the snot out of that damn ladybug. Nothing. My Dad finally took off my blindfold and told me to just go at it. I put all my might into it and did it crack? Nope. That ladybug wasn’t give up her delicious loot of candy. Bitch.

My Dad looked at the ladybug and my uncles and they decided to give it a try. So there they are…big adult men with a baseball bat beating that ladybug but did she give up the loot that was inside? Not at all. Not one crack. One of my Uncles started wailing on that ladybug and wouldn’t you know it…I got too close in my excitement that he might finally crack open the pinata so I could stuff my face with candy. Can you hear the sound of that bat hitting my skull? Yup. That totally happened. Knocked out at my own birthday party. And did they get the ladybug open? No. I distinctly remember, despite what I am sure was a concussion, my Dad and my Uncles grabbing saws and trying to cut it open. My parentals had done such a great job with their paper mache that the ladybug was indestructible. You could have used that thing as a weapon I tell ya. At some point either with the saw or by driving over it with a truck,. they finally split that ladybug in two and I was able to eat candy to my heart’s content, even if I had a traumatic brain injury from my Uncle (and no I won’t tell you which one….cousins you can guess.). Pretty sure my parentals never wanted to make me a pinata ever again. Nor did I ask for one. Damn ladybug pinata. Total fail.

Oh yeah. I didn’t die today. I almost did when one of my Uncles gave me a traumatic brain injury with a bat, but I didn’t die. I am the Birthday Fat Girl who had a ladybug pinata that wouldn’t give up her loot Running. The experiment continues…