East Ridge to Become First Area City to Mandate Gay Marriage

In response to the city of Collegedale’s announcement to offer benefits for same sex couples two weeks ago, a spokesman from the Chattanooga Suburb of East Ridge Mayor Brent Lamberts’ office has stated plans for the city to mandate gay marriage for those who live within the city limits.

“We believe that allowing gay marriage isn’t enough to show just how progressive the fine city of East Ridge is”, said city spokesman Jeffrey Flacks. “We’re taking it to the next level and passing a mandate that all who shall come to and live in East Ridge, must engage into a hot and steamy homosexual holy union.”

With the new mandate comes the reversal of a decision that East Ridge officials made some months ago: the banning of any new extended stays hotels within city limits. Officials also hope the soon-to-be homeless Big Chill Bar and Grill from downtown Chattanooga will find a new place in East Ridge to call home.

“With the large upcoming demands for new saucy homosexual honeymooners to stay, we will need new places to house them,” exclaimed Flacks. “All new extended stay hotels are required to include spaces for full fledged drag queen shows and in room television viewing of the LOGO Channel in High Definition.

“We hope the upcoming law will bring new visitors and residents to scrumptious East Ridge,” said new city tourism and fashion specialist Francis McGinley.” We’ve made plans to include the Indigo Girls and American Idol runner-up Clay Aiken to next years annual J-Fest at Camp Jordan.”

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