The only way to make the London to Birmingham train more bareable would be to cancel it.

"Tony Robinson's car has stalled on a crossing just outside Rugby, we are desperately searching for volunteers to help push him clear before the 9:15 to Glasgow comes ploughing through.Hello....hello...helllooo...anybody

Brother is a guard and he reckons the humour amongst the railway workers is tasteless at best and usually offensive. For example, suicides are called jumpers, so the unfortunate soul who plunged from a bridge onto a live rail in front of an oncoming train was widely referred to as a 'triple jumper'. Not sure the staff should be encouraged to share their humour with passengers.

A true Virgin trains announcement: We are pleased to anounce that we are now back on schedule. We would also like to apologise to customers expecting to be able to leave the train at the last station....