1. Never wear skinny jeans. Looking like a fourteen-year-old girl with a summer squash down her pants is not sexy.

2. You know what we find really sexy? When you write a thank-you note. That's right, baby, address it to Aunt Marilyn.

3. Using the words nut and sack together in a sentence should be avoided at all costs.

4. The Brazilian bikini wax is torture. To show a little appreciation, you could trim your nose hair. And your nut sack.

5. Spare us from having to wear something we hate with a smile and just get us a gift card to Bergdorf's or Barneys. For at least five hundred bucks.

6. Please don't take your mother to help pick out jewelry for us, especially an engagement ring. Thinking of my future mother-in-law standing in for me is not sexy. In fact, it's a little creepy.

7. Our relationship with gay men is sacred. We talk dirty to them, we grab their asses, they grab our boobs, we say "I love you" all the time, and they can wear skinny jeans. Don't try to compete with that.

8. I have never met a woman who has tried one of those "ways-to-drive-your-man-wild-in-bed" lists from a magazine. Those are written for the women reading them to get off. At the dentist's office. Or in the checkout line at the grocery store.

9. If you want to get laid, don't take us out for a three-hour, ten-course tasting menu. All we want to do after that is put on your boxers and a T-shirt and watch TV. On a special night, screw first.

10. I know we're all busy, but let's avoid scheduling sex. When we start thinking about our night like, At 5:00 p.m., he's going to put it in me....Actually, that sounds kind of sexy.

1. When you have a perfect body, we wonder how much time you spend on yourself.

2. Even if we've only been dating a few weeks, don't introduce us as your "lady friend" -- or that's exactly what we'll become.

3. When we use your bathroom (really use it), we consider you to be "the one."

4. Things we do not want to find in your medicine cabinet: self-tanning lotion, your ex-girlfriend's tampons, live ammunition.

5. The only acceptable men's wrist accessory is one that tells time.

6. When a guy sends us a text, we analyze everything, down to the punctuation. "Did he really use an umlaut? He must be smart!"

7. If you think we like the word panties, you've been watching too much porn. 8. Ditto titty and moist.9. The only reason we accept for your following a rock band on tour is that you are actually a member of that band.