Guilt

Since a passing comment on twitter turned into an ongoing discussion I thought I’d move it over here where I could at least hash our some of my thoughts on the subject. The other day Neil Strauss proposed a challenge that consisted of going 30-days without any guilt-motivated behavior. He speculated this would include guilt from “friends, family, religion, society, etc” which is a pretty wide playing field for something that isn’t immediately clear as to what might be involved. He notes that guilt and ethics are not the same thing, and that self-induced guilt is certainly included and usually where it all begins. He also offered up a few examples that would be considered guilt-motivated behavior:

Hanging out with someone solely because you feel bad for having blown them off for months.

Returning a call or email you don’t want to, or doing a favor for someone because you feel like you “owe them.”

I thought this was kind of interesting and tried to think of what might constitute guilt-motivated behavior (or GMB for the rest of this post) in my own day to day. It’s not quite as easy to isolate as I thought it might be so I proposed the question on twitter asking if others could recognize things which might be included. Honestly I didn’t expect an answer but @bruin’s reply sparked the conversation. He suggested that if you weren’t acting out of guilt, the only other option was to be a “selfish asshat.” Needless to say I tend to disagree with that assertion.

Actually I think finding things that aren’t done because of guilt or selfishness is really easy, much easier then say, the original question of finding things done out of guilt. I think there are countless motives for doing things other than those two options. While visiting a friends house the other day I didn’t steal their valuables and set the place on fire, not because I was selfish, not because I wanted to but was afraid of what people might think of me or the consequences I might face, but because I think that’s kind of a dick thing to do and know it would suck if a friend did that to me. Guilt isn’t required to know right from wrong.

This of course leads to the question of what exactly guilt might be. This isn’t a well thought out essay but rather just thoughts off the top of my head, but right away I can think of two clear distinctions. The kind of guilt you feel before you do something, and the kind you feel afterwards. Since it’s a little hard to not do something after you’ve already done it, for the purpose of this discussion I’m going to focus mostly on the former. I think we can all agree that feeling guilt about something you’ve already done makes it fairly easy to identify and avoid doing that same thing in the future.

Pre-action guilt can pretty easily be divided into two categories – the aforementioned self-induced stuff, as well the ever popular “guilt trips” or guilt put on you by someone else(anyone who was raised Jewish or Roman Catholic probably knows all too well). I think that pretty universally the guilt from other people very much wants to be the self inflicted stuff, and probably often gets mistaken as such. So what might these two subsets include? (NOTE: I don’t know, but that’s why I’m writing this post, to try and figure it out)

Self-inflicted guilt is probably a lot like doubt. The little voice in your head second guessing your primary intentions. And like doubt, it’s probably hard to identify unless you are looking for it specifically. Let’s say you are thirsty and stop by a corner store to buy a soda. Self-inflicted guilt might be the thing that makes you buy a diet rather than the full calorie version you walked in intending to drink. Or as Neil suggested above, maybe it’s hanging out with someone you don’t really want to because you feel bad that you haven’t spent enough time with them recently. Self-inflicted guilt might be the stuff that prevents you from doing something not because you don’t want to, but because you’d be ashamed/embarrassed/disappointed (in yourself) if someone else found out. Self-inflicted guilt is probably the difference between someone who works out every morning because they love how they feel afterward and someone who works out every morning because they’d hate themselves the rest of the day if they didn’t. I suppose it’s not so much the action, but the motive. The trick of course is that even if it’s a reaction from someone else you are trying to avoid, if it’s you who have decided they might have that reaction it’s self-inflicted.

Using my example before, I don’t think guilt is the thing that prevents you from doing something like stealing – even if you wanted to. That probably fear or common sense kicking in.

What about the guilt from other people, if you are looking for it’s probably easier to spot then the kind you put on yourself, but in some cases it’s probably just as easy to miss all together. Certainly if someone tells you something you do bothers them, and you stop doing it even if you really enjoy doing it, that would be GMB. It’s something you actively want to do, but don’t because you know someone else doesn’t want you to do it. That’s different from not doing something because of how it effects someone because it’s their suggestion, which could be implied rather than direct, that is preventing you from whatever it is you wanted to do. A twist on Neil’s example would be spending time with someone you don’t want to because they told you how upset they were that they hadn’t hung out with you recently. You aren’t spending time with them because you want to, but rather because they made you feel guilty about not being there.

I’d imagine there are certain kinds of relationships that foster this better than others. You might feel more beholden to a family member or close friend then you would to someone on the street asking for spare change. That said you might be motivated to give that person some change if you know a friend or family member might make you feel guilty later on about leaving them empty handed.

I’ve been approaching this from the standpoint that GMB is something you might want to avoid, only because that was how the topic came up. That isn’t always the case, and there are certainly times when ignoring those guilt impulses might be selfish and just kind of lame. Let’s say my wife has very early morning flight, I might offer her a ride to the airport even though I know it would be much more comfortable to stay in bed and sleep. She might even offer to catch a cab and let me sleep, but I’d probably still opt to just give her a ride. There’s no question that staying in bed would be selfish, and even if she isn’t asking for a ride I’d feel guilty if she had to find one on her own so guilt is probably a motivator but I don’t think that’s a bad thing. Don’t get my wrong, I’m not offering because I don’t want to feel guilty, but rather because I know it’s the right thing to do and I know I’d be disappointed in myself if I didn’t. I’ve actually never made that thought progression until just now, and usually do it only because I think it’s the right thing to do.

It’s like the working out example above, working out is good for you regardless of your motives, so maybe the trick isn’t to cut out any and all GMB, but to reexamine your own actions and intentions, and adjust your driving force. If you stop working out every day because you think it’s guilt motivated, that might be a bad thing. But if you work out every day because of positive thoughts about the effects rather then because of negative feelings about yourself if you didn’t you’ll probably be a much happier person in general. Again, the action isn’t nearly as important as the motive.

Usual disclaimer, it’s late and I’m rambling so this might be complete horsecrap that I’ll be embarrassed to read tomorrow. Or maybe not.

Comments (7)

Guilt ideally shouldn’t happen, and we should just naturally choose to do the right things, like you would take your wife to the airport. But guilt does happen, and only in some people. There’s folks out there incapable of feeling guilt (like sociopaths or, I dunno, Buddhist monks or something). It seems to be separate, technically, from actually doing right or wrong things, and more attached to our beliefs about what we think makes us “good” or “bad”.

Th sociopath feels no guilt ‘cuz they have no empathy for others. The really hard-core spiritual person chooses to renounce guilt, as it has no benefit or bearing upon daily life or spiritual growth. (Although I guess that’s debatable.)

People like you & me, we can choose to see guilt as a sign that we believe, deep down, we’re doing something we shouldn’t be doing. And we get to look at that, and see if we are correct and something needs to be redressed, or if maybe we’re just operating on old learned behavior patterns (i.e., “I should always help people, no matter who it is, when they ask” even though it’s a work night and you’re exhausted) . Sometimes our guilt gets activated by beliefs based on false understandings.

Anyone who sincerely believes that guilt shouldn’t happen was never raised Catholic or Jewish. (not that we’ve cornered the market on guilt, but let’s say we own a foundational part of the worldwide franchise).

From the words of my Mother – Guilt is a useless emotion. However, it is a useless emotion I feel quite often. It could be that I was raised Roman Catholic, but I am a very poor Catholic and that isn’t something I feel guilty for. Instead, my guilt is usually fueled by, for instance, I go and visit my parents every Sunday, and if I don’t I feel guilty, because what if something happened and I didn’t make the effort to be there this weekend? I also don’t like feeling like I am a selfish person. Recently, I had to hurt my sisters feelings by telling her I couldn’t go to visit her in Ireland a few weeks ago, because it wasn’t convenient for me. I am starting to now feel less guilty and less selfish, but it is still there. I wonder if she truly understands and if she will forgive me. So I don’t know if this is of any help to you, but this is where my guilt steams from. I don’t want to let people down and I don’t want to feel like a selfish prick. Also it is sometimes easier to give in to someone else’ request or need then it is to do what suits you best. I don’t know. Its an emotion I feel that I don’t quite understand.

I find myself thinking about the nature of the word itself. Guilt carries with it the notion of having violated some agreement – whether that be a pre-defined agreement as in a law or an unwritten understanding such as the understanding that maintaining a friendship requires that all parties play an active role in the maintenance of that friendship. This would include, but not be limited to, organizing shared activities and not involving each other in crimes such as arson.

My friendship does not come with a built-in timer that must be reset every so often or it dies. I understand, however, that other people don’t feel this way. I am blessed to have a family that doesn’t feel the need to call me or share every minute detail of their sordid lives, but I still find myself thinking I need to call my mother (something I never think about my siblings). Is that guilt? I don’t think so. It’s just my desire to remind my mom that the 21 years she housed and fed me led to a stable adult who – at 45 years of age – is still in no danger of moving back home.

Of course, when I call my dad (divorced from my mom for over 3 decades now), I do feel a sense of turnabout is fair play and start thinking about calling my mom just to keep the score even. Why, after 30 odd years do I still feel like I can’t have a phone call without giving the appearance of playing favorites? I can’t answer that, but I know in the fiber of my being it has more to do with avoiding trouble (i.e. self-preservation) than it does actual guilt.

So what kind of GMB do I exhibit?

Well, every time I’m cruel to someone I will try to find a way to make it up to them. When I find myself staring at some hot guy on the train I will seat myself where I cannot see him. I will force myself to watch dry documentaries to make up for the hours I’ve spent watching World’s Dumbest shows on TRU TV. But this is all small stuff. What about the big stuff?

I can’t honestly think of any GMBs connected to big guilt trips. I guess I owe my mom for that. She used to tell us “Don’t do anything you’d be ashamed to see on the 6 o’clock news.” As usual I took her literally. I was always guilty of that.

Ahh, really I think it can be boiled down even further. People either act out of fear, or out of love. This is irrefutable & applies to everything. To use your example of going to the gym, people either go because they LOVE their body, want to be good to themselves & enjoy the way it makes them feel, OR they go because they FEAR being fat, out-of-shape, unhealthy, etc.

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Hi, I’m Sean Bonner

I recently moved to Tokyo after 17 years in Los Angeles. I’ve run hackerspaces and blog networks, an art gallery, design firm and a record label. I’m one of the co-founders of Safecast, and currently act as Global Director. I’m an Associate Professor at Keio University, a Shuttleworth Fellow, an MIT researcher and sit on the board of CicLAvia.