As we all know, bears, while they have probably never kicked anyone in the crotch in comic books, still totally kick ass. Even tho' they have never gotten their own series, bears attacking is one of the most common tropes of comic books both yesterday and today. Yes, even in Legion of Super-Heroes!(See Legion of Super-Heroes v.2 #289, "Ultra Boy Wrestles the Giant Space-Bear of Oxyon-Prime!")

That's why I've decided to devote the entire month of June, the month in which a young man's fancy turns to thoughts of love and marriage, to Bear Attacks! Each and every day you'll see a four-color bear lunging at you from out of the page, so bloodthirsty and vicious you could swear he's gonna tear your throat right freakin' out. In fact, it would be better to just put down the comic book and walk away quickly to avoid the Bear Attack! Leave that to the professionals, like me, as I proudly present Bear Attack! Month!

Anyway, my point (and I do have one), is that Chris, kind gent that he is, was also offering sketches for commission. So of course I ordered one of my favorite character Ben GrimmHank McCoyKeira Knightleyme, your friendly neighborhood little stuffed bull. And Curt drew me and rocked my world!

This is so cool! I look so suave and debonair. Thanks, Chris...you're the greatest!

While I'm on the subject of Mister C. Haley, I want to also tell you that you oughta follow Chris's Tumblr because he posts lots of cool stuff including his own artwork. Don't tell me I never warned you!

I know that most fans are aware of the coincidence of a team of super-powered misfits headed by a wheelchair-bound leader debuting at both Marvel (The X-Men) and DC (The Doom Patrol) within a handful of months of each other...

Oh my dear. For a sequence leading into one of the biggest turning points of the recent history of the Marvel Universe, this is just awful. Would Matt Murdock actually say that? Could the dialogue be any sillier? And why sully my favorite Marvel sound effect with that panel? Eeek! Why, it's as if Brian Bendis was actually trying to kick us in the crotch through the medium of a comic book. OW MY SENSIBILITIES

Tomorrow! When animals attack! and they don't kick people in the crotch either.

Thursday, May 30, 2013

No, no, not that one, but the Superbaby-bottom-smooth shave that Clark Kent generally sports. Which brings us to that never-ending question about Superman: how does he shave? Well, it appears that Gillette Razors, manufacturers of the official tie-in razor blade* to this summer's sure-to-be-blockbuster** have an answer to this perplexing question which has boggled the mind of each and every Superman fan since 1938 nosy-nosy Lois Lane, who, you gotta admit, was not always running on full pistons. If you're so darned certain that Clark Kent is Superman, why not just jab him with a hatpin? But I digress merely to make fun of pre-Crisis Lois, and darn fun it was, too.

So, how does he shave? Actually, Gillette has taken out that very same phrase as a URL, which will lead you to their YouTube page (who says this isn't the Ginormous Gillette Age of Social Media?) to suggest not one, not three, but, much like the ersatz Supermen... Supermans?... in "Reign of the Supermen" (ah!), they give us four possible solutions to the Kryptonite-edged five-bladed sharp problem at hand, er, face...by such science notables as Bill Nye (a science guy), famed actress and noted neuroscientist*** Mayim Bialek, Mythbusters Adam Savage and Jamie Hyneman, and some guy who thinks he knows something about Superman named Kevin Smith. But on my blog, he doesn't get bold HTML and he doesn't get his video featured. If you want to see it (or any of the others), scoot on over to that Gillette YouTube site. But it's my blog and I'm gonna spotlight Adam and Jamie. (Sorry folks...no Kari.)

Now, let's get this out of the way first, okay? As any fanbull would tell you right off the bat, this is how Superman shaves.

Panels from Man of Steel #4 (November 1986), script and pencils by John Byrne, inks by Dick Giordano, colors by Tom Ziuko, letters by John Costanza

So, the answer to that question is, he shaves with his eyes wide open, in about ten minutes, with Lois in the other room.

Now, to be fair to our favorite L.L., that ain't the real Ms. Lane right there. That is one of Superman's arch-enemies, The Parasite, the evil power-sucker who bores into Superman's intestines and lives off the nutrients in his blood stream absorbs superhuman energy and who apparently at this point was heavily into Lois Lane cosplay. Man, that's got to be tough for Clark, huh? Sleeping with the Parasite? I think he's got more worries than just the smell of his burning other-worldly beard.

The "I can't cut Superman's hair" trope has been revisited so many times that there was probably an entire episode devoted to it on Smallville. Here's Lana Lang trying the same thing. Say, I call shenanigans on Lana having enough physical hand strength to snap the blade off a pair of scissors. And even if she could, she oughta be wearing safety goggles. That thing'll put your eye out, Lana!

Yes, even though Lana is trying to cut Superboy's under what seems to be the light of a red dying star but is actually just her "QT Tan-at-Home" sunlamp, she keeps on breaking her mom's scissors. Check out that sideways grip she's got on the shears. I absolutely call shenanigans on her breaking them. Jonathan Kent had a great thing going on at his general store with those scissors made out of crackers, didn't he?

Panel from "The Two Boys of Steel" in Superboy (1949 series) #63 (March 1958), script by Jerry Coleman, pencils by Curt Swan, inks by Stan Kaye

But now Jimmy, the self-described Mr. Action (not to be confused with Mr. Adventure, Mr. Showcase and Mr. Limited Collector's Edition or Mr. Famous First Edition), is doing the impossible: he's trimming Superman's hair! (Also impossible: that DC/National is so up to date that can can actually publish the cover of what's happening right now.) How, we ask, how can one of the Superman supporting cast members, especially the lovable but dorky Jimmy, be doing such a task? Well, for the answer, let's check in with Jimmy Olsen's Pen Pals.

No, no, I'm not kidding! Because it actually is a fan letter that leads to the answer posed on the cover...

The answer is No, Jimmy cannot cut Superman's hair. Wha...What? Holy cow...I call shenanigans on that entire cover premise! Ah, Silver Age, you lie to us more often than Lindsay Lohan! And without the delight of your remake of The Parent Trap!

So, we've pretty much figured out that none of Superman's supporting cast can cut his super-hair...

So, let's pretend that Lois Lane isn't a professional journalist with a full-time job and that Perry has assigned her tohee hee hee!go undercover as an actressha, ha, ha!in an amateur production of Samson and Delilahhaw haw haw haw!and they cast Superman as Samson and BWAW-HA-HA-HA-HA!

Thus ends the 32-year career of America's most popular action hero when he loses his powers in this issue of Lois Lane. It was an odd way to finish the story of Superman, but hey, they learned their lesson and they never capriciously killed off a popular character ever again in a modern issue of a comic book other than their own. (Meow.)

Oh, wait...turns out that wasn't Superman but some guy wearing one of those cool Mission: Impossible-style rubber masks that are completely lifelike and can fool someone who has been around that person for many years. As Steve Lombard from the front row says: "HA-HA-HA!".

So, that happened.

Just for fun, it occurred to me that it would be interesting to see if the reason it's so hard to shave Superman is that he's a vampire and therefore he can't see himself in a mirror. Hey, it's the DC Universe: it could happen!

Well, regardless of which explanation Gillette eventually comes up with, I think we can all agree that Superman does have problems shaving. Good thing he's out to save us all instead of shave...eh, I got nuthin'.

Okay, one last try. Maybe Superman's stubborn beard shears off when he flies so freakin' fast that he breaks the sound barrier.

Yep, that's my explanation and I'm stickin' to it.

*This may not be entirely true.**This also be not entirely be absolutely true.***This is absolutely, awesomely 100% true.

Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Panels from "Lois Lane's Kiss of Death!" in Lois Lane #7 (February 1959), script by Robert Bernstein, pencils and inks by Kurt Schaffenberger

Well, just to prove she hasn't learned her lesson, tonight we present: Lois can't get enough of the dog-killing.

Panels from "The Case of the Kidnapped Canines" in Superman Family #210 (September 1981), script by Gerry Conway, pencils by Bob Oksner, inks by Vince Colletta, colors by Adrienne Roy, letters by Ben Oda

Monday, May 27, 2013

They laid him in his ship,
With horse and harness,
As on a funeral pyre.
Odin placed
A ring upon his finger,
And whispered in his ear.

They launched the burning ship!
It floated far away
Over the misty sea,
Till like the sun it seemed,
Sinking beneath the waves.
Balder returned no more!

So perish the old Gods!
But out of the sea of Time
Rises a new land of song,
Fairer than the old.
Over its meadows green
Walk the young bards and sing.
from "Tegner's Drapa" by Henry Wordsworth Longfellow

Panels from Thor #343 (May 1984), script, pencils, and inks by Walter Simonson;colors by Christie Scheele; letters by John Workman