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Author
Topic: unsure about future (Read 3185 times)

I have been with a guy (we just started using the term “partner”) for about 10 months. I got a new job in another state and we had decided a few months ago that we would move together. We have both been having a lot of anxiety about the move – lots and lots of fears on my part especially. Now we have a new issue - he was just diagnosed with HIV last week – neither of us had any idea (one of his past partners cheated on him). My test has come back negative. He is waiting for more blood work, but he is healthy – no symptoms – not even a sniffle.

For many reasons that I can’t go into now, we are on a very tight timeline – we have to make a decision as to whether or not to continue the plan to move together or whether we split up and I move without him in a few days. I can’t speak for him, but needless to say, our stress and anxiety level is really high. I am having a hard time functioning on a daily level and I don’t know if I can have a healthy mental state with a new (very demanding) job, plus a move, plus all of this. Saying all of that I am feeling like quite the “monster” for these feelings. Right now I also feel almost like I have an obligation to go with him – and he has made it very clear he does not want a “caretaker” – however, the reality of the situation is that I would worry about his health incessantly – I know how I am. We always practice safe sex, would continue to do so, and know most of the facts (although my paranoia and fears around sex are certainly a HUGE factor in my head as well).

I am wondering if the anxiety level will go down with time and we need to “go for it”. We have not even lived together yet, we are currently in two different houses – this would be the first time we even lived together. Certainly it is “easier” for us to not move together, so that we have some level of “security” with our financial/job/house situation – but I am stuck between being the “martyr” and “monster” right now. How “normal” are these feelings from this situation, is it a sign that maybe we can’t weather this huge of a change, and whether or not my level of worry and anxiety about everything every day is just too much and would make us both miserable.

There are lots of things going on here, and your partner's HIV diagnosis is just one of them.

It sounds as if the combination of you moving to a new state and a new job, and him coming with you and the two of you living together for the first time was already a pretty big leap for both of you. Did you both really sit down together and talk about and plan the move, or did it just seem to happen with one thing following another in a kind of snowball effect and then you suddenly realized what it all meant.

You will notice that, thus far, I am ignoring the whole HIV issue and trying to figure out where you really were with the relationship before that came up.

What was your partner going to do when he moved - did he have another job lined up or was he going to wait until after the move to try and find something?

I can't tell you what to do, but I can tell you that you shouldn't feel pressured into doing anything either.

I get the sense from some of what you wrote that you may have a "need" to help people or have other people be dependent on you, but that this also is a tremendous burden on you and increases your stress level because you feel that you "should" be able to make things "right" for someone else, but actually you can't. That can lead to some very unhealthy co-dependent relationships (believe me, I know ...). Of course this may not be you at all - I am just reading between the lines and guessing - just try to be very honest with yourself when analyzing your options and your motives for doing things.

As for whether your anxiety level will go down - I don't know - that is really a question about you - if you think carefully and honestly about other situations that you have been in when you were under stress and what your personality is then you should be able to answer this one for yourself. Hhis HIV status in and of itself doesn't need to change any of your plans or your relationship but only you and he can figure out if for you that is actually the case.

It may also help to take things slower - you already have a job and sound like you are committed to moving - how would it be if he didn't move with you yet - are you scared of losing him (and how much) - would you or he feel that you were just dumping him - or do you think that your relationship could survive 6 months apart while you settle in to your new job (and if it turns out that it can't then doesn't that tell you something ...)

Oh - yes - almost forgot - talk to him about this - what you are feeling - your fears and anxieties - and listen to him and try to understand how he is feeling.

good luck

relationships are tough but good ones are hard to find and worth spending a lot of effort on

Well my first thought is that you have a new job and you want to move to take the job. You both decided to move together and to me anyway you have made the decision to take the job and that is what you should do. If your partner still wants to make the move then it really seems to me it is him that will throw a wrench into the works, not you.

I say you need to go and probably do it alone. That is going to tell you a lot of things in itself once you are settled. If you were having a lot of anxiety before the move you will continue to have it after. Long after most likely. The HIV adds another dimension but it has not changed your plans any and quite frankly it shouldn't.

Go ahead with your plans to move, give your partner some time to come to grips with his new diagnosis and see where you are a few months down the road. It seems you both may need some breathing room right now.