Enthusiastic Hack

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Where would our local papers be without Les Twentyman?, I ask. And what on earth would they find to write about? Not only does he provide local journalists with an inexhaustible source of ready-made column inches, he is without a doubt the veritable darling of our community press.

Twentyman is to The Leader what Kate Middleton is to New Idea. He is to Footscray, Yarraville, Braybrook Star what Angelina Jolie is to Who Weekly.

Like vultures surrounding a selfless and altruistic carcass, the western suburbs media unrelentingly stalks this man week in-week out, relaying every salacious detail to its gossip-hungry readership.

For just like New Idea and Who, the local papers' fascination with Les merely feeds and perpetuates the cult of celebrity that so permeates the contemporary culture of inner-west house-bound octogenarians who still read the local paper.

But as long as the public continues to by obsessed with young, sexy celebrities, and remains preoccupied with following their every move, I can't see the western suburbs media leaving Les Twentyman in peace in any time soon.

Monday, August 20, 2012

A while ago I began a politics-related blog and promptly forgot all about it. However, I recently checked in on this blog after a very long absence and was pleasantly surprised to discover a number of positive comments had been left on it.

Some of the positive feedback I received included:

"I stumbled upon this blog and found it incredibly fun and engaging"

"we, your fans, need more"

"second post, please [emphasis added]"

"the public demands more"

"I demand more"

etc. etc.

Considering the overwhelming outpouring of appreciation that this small sample of comments implies, I have decided to update my politics-related blog (soon-ish) and also to put a link to it on this blog. Here is the link:

Monday, July 4, 2011

Wow! It's been a whole year since my last post. It's hard, because the longer you wait between posts, the more pressure there is to make it a good one. Hopefully I won't make the same mistake of posting a good one, then immediately posting a crap one, and leaving the crap one there sitting on top for a whole freakin year. Well, we'll see...

How to enjoy all the guilty pleasures of lowbrow bogan culture whilst still appearing cool to your inner-city friends

1. Watch gratuitously sexualised music videos on Video Hits… ironically (Remember: sexist pseudo-porn can also be viewed as anti-sexist ironic social commentary. This same logic can be applied to telling racist jokes)

2. Read the Herald Sun… ironically (Spread two whole pages out, one above the other, and hold them like that in an awkward manner, to make it seem as if you have never held a tabloid-sized paper before and are a bit confused about it all)

3. Eat lunch at McDonalds… ironically (Tell your Fitzroy mates that you do it as ‘performance art’. That way they might want to come along too. Bonus tip: take your burger wrappers home and pin them up on the wall of your share-house kitchen as a creative form of protest against multinational corporations)

4. Cruise around in an enormous four-wheel-drive… as an ironic form of environmental protest (Tip: if you happen to have an M.U.A. sticker on your car, tell your friends it stands for ‘Musicians Union of Albert Street’)

5. Shop at Coles and Woolworths (It’s research for your documentary, remember?)

And here's some final advice: always remember to use environmentalist jargon to spin things in your favour whenever you can. For example, battery-farmed eggs becomes "sustainable high-density eco-farmed eggs".

Friday, June 18, 2010

10 – Investor magazine’s top 10 stock picks9 – The ARIA top 10 albums chart one week before Christmas8 – The ARIA top 10 every other week of the year7 – The Age’s top 10 things everyone’s talking about this week6 – Top 10 songs of all time (as voted by the narrow demographic that listens to our station)4 – Top 10 Most Beautiful People in the world (Don’t you mean “in Hollywood”?)3 – Guitarist magazine’s top 10 guitarists (Who are these people? Are they just making these names up?)2 – Top 10 Most Livable cities (Since when is minus 20 degrees considered “livable”?)1 – Any top 10 list from The David Letterman Show

Friday, June 11, 2010

One of my loyal readers recently suggested that I should post my blog on Facebook, where many people can read it, rather than continuing to scribble away here in virtual obscurity. However, whilst I am seriously considering following the shrewd marketing advice this enterprising chap has kindly proffered, I am nevertheless a little wary of exposing myself to a large number of people (I tried it once in the playground and it didn’t go down too well). There is a kind of safety in knowing personally the dozen or so people who regularly read my blog, as I can rest assured that no matter what I write on here I won’t be offending anybody. But with all manner of random Facebook strangers being able to read it there may be certain things that I won’t feel too comfortable posting. Like this:

COMMON SPECIES OF ANNOYING LOSERS ON FACEBOOK:

The Bore: These creatures’ lives are about as interesting as a late-night rerun of Blue Heelers. They possess an uncanny ability to fill each minute of every day with absolutely nothing – and they have a pressing desire to tell you all about it in agonising detail! Whether they are brushing their teeth or peeling a banana, make no mistake, you will hear all about it – whether you want to or not.

The Self-Promoter: These creatures put the ‘network’ in social network, and the ‘end’ in friend – you exist only to serve their ultimate purpose of shamelessly (and constantly) promoting their band, website or home-based business. Their status updates are invariably impersonal, although they are often clumsily disguised as “friendly banter”, such as: “Wow! I’m excited about soon becoming financially independent. Who wants to join me?” As if they are inviting you to come down to the pub or something.

The Public Clothesline: These creatures are an introduced species who haven’t yet fully adapted to the unforgiving terrain of the internet. Stumbling through this unfamiliar online environment they are blissfully unaware of the consequences of posting comments such as “my sister is a manipulative cow” or “I’m thinking about leaving my husband”.

The Application Junkie: Like mosquitoes, these creatures can be a real pest. No sooner do you block Farmville than they are inviting you to play Poker with them. If only there was some kind of online Mortein.

The Sympathy Fisher: Say no more. The best way to deal with these creatures is to simply call their bluff. Instead of saying: “You are a beautiful person, you’ll find somebody else”, say: “To be honest, I don’t blame him for dumping you”.

The Provoker: This creature has an innate ability to unceremoniously crash even the most benign conversation about homework or baking muffins to promote corporal punishment or to accuse people of being Communist-sympathisers.

The Unwitting Wanker: These creatures think they are being oh-so-clever with their continual sarcastic comments, but everybody else on Facebook begs to differ. Wait a sec...I think this is me.

Friday, June 4, 2010

I just heard the Carpenters song Close to you.You know, that song that goes: "Why do birds suddenly appear - every time you are near". And it never occurred to me before, but how the hell is that romantic? Birds? Constantly flocking around you? This sounds like a love song for a bag lady.

Monday, May 31, 2010

Having a young daughter has meant I am watching children's TV shows for the first time in more than 20 years. And I must say, watching them again as an adult, a few things have become quite apparent:

1. Every character on these shows, whether they be a human, puppet, or some kind of bizarre human-puppet-uncanny valley-hybrid, are completely and utterly OFF THEIR FACES! They are stoned, wasted, high as a kite, call it what you will, but these cuddly creatures are on another planet altogether (and I'm not talking about the planet Spot). The thing is, how am I supposed to teach my kids to stay away from drugs when every show they watch looks like it was made by Cheech and Chong?

2. Bert and Ernie are gay. There is no two ways about it. They are the epitome of a gay couple. They live together, sleep in the same room and bicker like husband and wife. I never saw this as a kid. But it's so freaking obvious!

3. Representations of farming life are, like, sooo Victorian-era, man. Where are the battery hens? Where are the GM-crops? Where are the Monsanto heavies bullying mom-and-pop farms out of business? Get with the times, children's television programming.

Saturday, May 29, 2010

One of my pet hates is when you ask someone for their address, but instead of actually telling you, they launch into a tedious blow-by-blow set of directions that take you from your front gate to theirs. This is a typical example of what I have encountered many times:

Me: So, what's your address?Them: Okay, now where are you?Me: Sorry?Them: Where do you live?Me: Um, I'm in Spotswood. I don't see how this is...Them: Okay, well you know where Melbourne Road is?Me: Look, I just need your...Them: Drive all the way up Melbourne RoadMe: I don't...Them: You'll get to a set of traffic lights, okayMe: Excuse me...Them: Now, turn right. But only if the lights are green, otherwiseMe: Look, please...Them: On that road you'll see a tree shaped like a giant frogMe: Please...Them: Actually, there are two trees shaped like frogs. It's the second one you wantMe: Look...Them: I'm not sure what the traffic will be like on that road, maybe instead you could tryMe: I'm getting dizzyThem: Come to think of it, don't turn right there, go straightMe: I need to sit d...Them: Stay in the left lane. You'll come to a bridge and...hey, are you okay?Me: (Whispering) Please...Melways...I..have...a...Melw...

Sunday, May 16, 2010

When I was a kid my parents used to tell me not to sit too close to the TV. Apparently sitting very close to a screen was bad for my eyes or something?. But then one day a strange thing happened. They simply stopped worrying about it. Sitting close to the TV was suddenly no longer such a big deal anymore. Something happened in our house around that time that caused my parents to completely change their minds...

We bought a computer!

I was reminded of this recently because I have been reading old 1950s parenting guidebooks (just for a bit of fun) and I've noticed one common piece of advice that crops up in every one of these books: Make sure your child has plenty of fresh air. It seems like people were obsessed about fresh air back then. Which is ironic, because these days - when we get far less fresh air than previous generations - people have stopped caring about it.

It seems that as long as something is optional we should worry about it. But as soon as it becomes a necessary or inevitable part of our lives, suddenly we don't need to worry about it anymore.

Remember all the hype in the 90s about mobile phones causing cancer? (that was before everybody had one/needed one)

Sunday, March 28, 2010

It involves going on The Age website, finding articles that allow readers' comments, sussing out what the general mood of the comments are (ie. are most comments anti-Abbott, anti-elite private schools, pro-choice, anti-pokie machines?, whatever) and then posting exactly the opposite views - preferably in the most arrogant, bigoted and ill-informed sounding way possible - and then I sit back and watch all those left-wing pinkos work themselves into a frenzy. Very entertaining.

Sunday, March 7, 2010

I have recently switched my allegiance from coffee to tea. This decision was based on a careful analysis of several key criteria, the results of which are as follows:

COFFEE:Heavy on the stomachMakes me do really weird poosFeel like a zombie when I wake upFeel like a zombie all afternoonFeel like a zombie pretty much all the time until I have another coffee

TEA:None of the above

There is also another thing I have discovered since converting to tea. Tea is very predictable and safe. I have never once had a bad cup of tea. Compare this to coffees, of which I have had more than my fair share of burnt, bitter, or otherwise undrinkable brews. Coffee is certainly a gamble - there are good ones and bad ones. However, when the gamble pays off it is well worth it. For I have found that whilst a good cup of tea is quite good, a good cup of coffee is simply FUCKING INCREDIBLE!! Nothing can compare.

Which leads me to think of my coffee/tea dilemma in investment terms. A cup of tea is definitely Blue Chip. It is reliable and predictable, but generally unexciting. On the other hand, a coffee is speculative. It involves a high risk/high return factor.

I suppose at the moment I am just being a little conservative with my hot drink investments.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

I have a hobby. It's called "Discovering great TV shows ten years after everyone else has stopped watching them".

My latest such discovery is The Sopranos. And man, I am hooked! What a great show. Now I realise what all the fuss was about. It's just a pity that I can't share my new-found love with anyone - Mainly because everybody else already watched the show TEN YEARS AGO, became obsessed with it, discussed it enthusiastically, and then eventually got sick of talking about it. It would be like saying, "Hey guys, wanna go to all-you-can-eat Smorgies. It's rad, man! You can, like, eat as much as you want". "Er, sorry but we've, um, we've kind of grown out of that now"

However, the only down-side is the sad feeling I get when I reach the last DVD in the box-set. Up to that point I am flying through the episodes, staying up late each night, relentlessly devouring them disc by disc. But there inevitably comes a point where I open the DVD case to swap DVD number 5 with DVD number 6, only to come to the shock realisation that there is NO DVD SEVEN!!!! It is at that point that I slow down a little, watch only one episode per night, and try ever so desperately to savour what is left of the series. That is where I am now - the final disc in season one.

(EDIT: I just found out there are five more seasons after this. Whew!)

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Monday, February 15, 2010

Oh, Ski Divine, is there a more delicious yoghurt available on the Australian market? Well, I have yet to see it. Oh, the taste, the creamy texture, the pure delight to the senses; and so many different flavours to choose from...Mmmm, yumm...

Until...

On a recent trip to the supermarket I was perusing the range of Ski yoghurt flavours and was just about to purchase one that piqued my salivating interest, when alas, Oh no!, I discovered there had been a horrible cover-up. What I had first thought were Ski Divine flavours were in fact Skid'Lite!! A disgusting low-fat alternative, deviously disguised as the real thing. Oh, what kind of vile, sick, evil trick was this to play on an innocent customer, I thought. You perverse animals who work for the Ski marketing department! [Bill Hicks was right]

But wait, hang on a sec, I thought. It's no big deal. I can simply place this inferior counterfeit product back on the shelf and find the exact same flavour in the original version, can't I? Now... where is it? Hmm? No, not on this shelf, or the next...wait...haaang on just a minute...Now I can see ONE flavour in the original, but...no...c'mon...okay, let's just calm down here ...relax... ...breathe...ONE flavour! Just ONE measly piddly excuse for a flavour available in the original full-fat, full-taste, full-culinary-experience Ski Divine yoghurt, while there's, let's see...six, yes that's SIX WHOLE FLAVOURS available in the low-fat, low-taste, low-self-esteem-because-I'm-a-fat-lazy-fuckwit-who-sits-in-front-of-the-TV-all-night-and-gets-no-exercise-but-thinks-that-buying-low-fat-yoghurt-is-going-to-make-a-difference-to-my-life-and-there's-so-many-of-us-fuckwits-around-that-we've-managed-to-alter-the-entire-supply-and-demand-balance-of-the-whole-yoghurt-industry-and-pushed-the-full-fat-tasty-yoghurts-off-the-shelves Ski d-fucking-Lite tasteless crap!

Skinny people unite! Fight the power of fatty-fascism! Resist the hegemony of obese, lazy, advertising industry fodder who are responsible for the downfall of tasty food.

Apparently it's not enough that they get in our way at the supermarket, blocking aisles and creating hazards as they try to bend down in the frozen food section with their enormous asses. Now they are invading our taste buds, too! Squeezing tasty products out of the market and essentially eroding our basic freedoms.

We need to stand up to them. Come on. I just want to eat something yummy. I mean, is that too much to ask?

Friday, February 12, 2010

Myth #1: Best Coffee- If this is true I can't imagine how bad it is in other cities. Buying a coffee here is like buying a scratchie-ticket. Occasionally you do strike it rich but most of the time it's quite a disappointment. For me, finding a cafe that makes consistently great coffee is like finding an honest mechanic. You never go anywhere else. In fact, I would rather drive fifteen minutes out of my way to swing past my fave than take an unnecessary gamble.

Myth #2: Everybody wears black- This was probably true a few years ago, but now when I'm in the city I don't notice much black anymore. It seems to have been replaced by FLURO! What's with that? And not just the girls, either. All the guys are wearing fluro, too. However, this phenomenon doesn't seem to be as as common in the suburbs; it appears to be more of a "metro" thing.

Myth #3: Terrible Public Transport - What are you complaining about? I had to catch a train once and it wasn't so bad (would never do it again though. Hell no!)

Myth #4: Live Music - Not anymore, thank you very much Mr. Brumby. Okay, but let's be honest, though; It's not all Brumby's fault. This is really a myth born out of the late 70s/early 80s when ACDC, Midnight Oil and just about every other legendary Australian band you can think of were playing down at the local pub. These days, all that remains of that myth is the name of a laneway and an incompetent Environment Minister.

Myth #5: We've got Trams! - What is it with the trams? Seriously, though. Enough with the trams. It seems that whenever people mention Melbourne they invariably talk about trams. Trams, trams, trams. When I was a kid I used to hear people talking about Melbourne trams all the time and I figured we must be the only place in the world that had them. But then when I was a bit older and traveled to other places I realised this strange thing: EVERYONE ELSE HAS TRAMS TOO!!!

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Girl, seeing Palestine poster: Who do you go for?Guy: What?Girl: You know, between Israel and um, Pakistan.Guy: You mean Palestine?Girl: Whatever. Which one is doing the bad stuff?Guy: They both are...Girl: Yeah, I can never decide.

Monday, February 1, 2010

I'm studying a subject online and the lecturer recently posted a message to say that his father had died and so he needed a few days off, and therefore the due date for the essay has been extended one week.

In reply, there were about 20 messages by students saying 'very sorry', 'condolences' etc. Then one guy wrote: Did I just read that we've got an extension for the assignment? Sweet!!

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Were there any good songs released last year apart from Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros Home? (and perhaps also that song about eating breakfast every afternoon in some dodgy cafe in order to perve on a waitress)?

I have followed the Hottest 100 closely since high school and must say that 2009 was without a doubt the worst year ever! By far. I'm not sure why, but I can only put it down to two possible reasons:

1. There were no decent songs released anywhere in the entire world between Jan 1 and Dec 31 (not likely); or

2. Triple J have lost the plot (more likely)

Alright, so I'm exaggerating a little. Silversun Pickups are excellent. And there were a few OK songs in there like Phoenix Lisztomania, but let's be honest, if that track had been released any other year it would have probably come in at, say, #63, not #4.

All in all, it just seemed like a really flat year for music (if Triple J is anything to go by). For instance, great artists like Sarah Blasko and Bluejuice, who usually can't go wrong, released the worst songs of their careers (yes, Powderfinger, I'm talking about you too!).

And what's with all the fuss over Mumford and Sons? They are the most overrated piece of crap band since Seven Mary Three (huh, what's that? never heard of them?). I didn't actually twig exactly who they were until I heard Little lion man at #1 and instantly recognised it as "that awful song" Triple J play every time I'm in the car and have to quickly change stations. Boo!

Comrade Kingsmille's People's Radio, I have loved you but you've let me down.

I just hope Kingsmille doesn't find this blog and arrest me for thought-crime.

Monday, January 25, 2010

Initially, I was just so pleased with my Jeff Buckley-bashing post that I decided to keep it up there a while. Then I came up with a few ideas but they were so lame compared to the Jeff Buckley-bashing post that I didn't want to post them. Then, a few weeks later, I thought 'Why not just post them anyway' but by that time the ideas were stale (do people really want to hear more Michael Jackson jokes now?). So here I am posting this - which, ironically, is far more lame than those ideas I didn't post.

(man, I used the word post a lot, but there really isn't any equivalent synonym)

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

This is an actual conversation I heard on Triple J during the Hottest 100 of all time countdown:

RICHARD KINGSMILLE: It’s amazing. Jeff Buckley only released one album during his lifetime, yet he’s managed to have three songs in the Hottest 100. And two of those songs even made the top ten.

ZAN ROWE: Oh, yes Richard. It is pretty amazing. But what an amazing man he was. He was so beautiful.

KINGSMILLE: Yes. So beautiful. I remember the first time I heard Last Goodbye. I was standing in my kitchen and the song was so electrifying I stripped naked, poured yoghurt all over my body and did the funky chicken dance.

ROWE: That’s nothing. The first time I heard Last Goodbye I constructed a make-shift alter next to my bed and bowed down and worshipped the Almighty Buckley.

KINGSMILLE: We have somebody on the line who also shares a special love for the holy one.

RANDOM CALLER: Hi guys. Like most Triple J listeners, I absolutely love Jeff Buckley. In fact, I’m planning to travel to his gravesite, exhume his remains, and make passionate love to his decaying form. It’s been my life-long dream.

ROWE: Wow! That sounds lovely. Can I join?

KINGSMILLE: Yeah, me too. I want some Buckley corpse-love as well.

ROWE: Ooh, ooh, I bags the Mojo Pin.

KINGSMILLE: I can’t wait. It sure beats whacking-off to his poster for a change.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

OK.I think I’ve just found the WORST cover version of all time. Celine Dion singing ACDC. You should read the comments on YouTube for this video. Hilarious. I am surprised no-one has put out a contract on her.

Sunday, June 28, 2009

Many people have an irrational, almost pathological hatred for cover versions. It doesn’t matter how brilliant it is, people will invariably say, ‘oh, it’s not as good as the original’. It doesn’t matter if the original version was played by a half-deaf old guy on an out-of-tune ukulele, and the cover version is played by, say, The Rolling Stones (actually, in this case there probably wouldn’t be that much difference). Anyway, you get the point. People hate cover versions.

However, it hasn’t always been this way. Back in the 1950s and 60s, most of the songs in the top 40 were cover versions. Back then nobody really cared about writing songs. I mean, why go to all the effort to write one when you can simply steal a perfectly good song a black person has already written?

Anyway, I completely disagree with these ignorant plebs who value nostalgia over good taste, and I think there are many cover versions that shit all over the originals. Here are some of my favourites.

BEST COVER VERSIONS:

Gary Jules – Mad World (orig. Tears for fears)Youth Group – Forever Young (orig. by German band Alphaville)Nirvana – The man who sold the world (orig. by David Bowie)William Shatner – Common people (orig. Pulp)Sarah Blasko – Goodbye yellow brick road (by Elton John)Jimi Hendrix – All along the watchtower (orig. by Bob Dylan)Soft Cell – Tainted love (orig. by Gloria Jones)The Clash – I fought the law (orig. by The Crickets-post-Buddy Holly)Sinead O’Conner – Nothing compares to you (orig. by Prince)

And what I consider the best cover version EVER:Johnny Cash – Hurt (orig. by Nine Inch Nails)

If you have any favourites, please post them in the comments section...

Now the first thing you will probably notice is this list doesn’t contain The Beatles, The Rolling Stones, Elvis, Cream, The Doors, Bob Dylan, U2, Pearl Jam, Led Zeppelin, Radiohead, Soul Asylum or even my most favourite band of all time, Ash. This is because these artists had far too many songs to choose from, and therefore, ironically, none of their songs made the list.

Monday, June 15, 2009

I am currently compiling my list of 10 songs to submit to Triple J Hottest 100 of all time, and for inspiration I had a look at the Hottest 100 lists from 1989 to 2008. And WOW!? There are so many great songs to choose from. Including such classic tracks as:

It gets better. Those critically-acclaimed legends of illustrious talent, Limp Bizkit, have graced the Hottest 100 three times. That’s right, THREE FREAKING TIMES!!!!!!! (with one song even reaching the top 10!!):My generation (2000, #21)Take a look around (2000, #27)and Nookie (1999, #8)

Saturday, June 13, 2009

In case you haven't been paying attention to Comrade Kingsmille's People's Radio(more commonly known as Triple J) lately, they are currently compiling a Hottest 100 of ALL TIME! (by 'all time' I suppose they mean all the way back to Spiderbait's first album - I mean, I don't think the GenY listeners have heard of those crappy old-fogie-bands like Cream or The Doors that *shudder* baby-boomers were into).

So anyway, it has got me thinking about what would make my list of Top 10 favourite songs of all time.

I hope to post my Top 10 list in the next blog, but I am not sure exactly what approach to take with my selection. I mean, what do I want this list to say about me? There are several obvious approaches I could take:

1. The "I'm too cool for school" approach:

This is where I choose the most obscure b-sides and out-takes from underground 80s European punk bands that nobody's ever heard of.

2. The "Proud to be Australian" approach:

This is where I choose only Aussie tracks. Obviously ACDC would be in there, but because it's Triple J, I would have to include Hilltop Hoods, The Herd, Muph and Plutonic, and whatever other Aussie hip-hop acts exist (plus Spiderbait of course)

3. The "I'm a bedroom-guitarist" approach:

This list should include Stairway to heaven, Knights of Sydonia by Muse, Estranged by Guns n Roses, One by Metallica, Unforgiven by Metallica, Master of Puppets by Metallica, Enter Sandman by Metallica, Fade to black by Metallica, Nothing else matters by Metallica, Eruption by Eddie Van Halen, and anything by Dreamtheatre.

4. The "No, really, I am way too cool for school" approach:

This is where I don't even compile a list. I just write a sarcastic twitter-post about how much I hate Triple J, as well as how much I hate pretty much everything.

5. The "At least Triple J will actually accept my entry" approach:

This is a strategic approach where I choose one random Muse song, one from White Stripes, Smells like teen spirit, plus seven Radiohead songs. As opposed to the previous lists which Triple J will no doubt ignore, this one will be sure to be actually included in the voting tally.

Friday, May 29, 2009

I've just had my first $$$ million dollar idea $$$ Woo hoo! I'm gonna be rich (please don't steal my idea, you bastards!) OK. So this is my idea: The Bible: The computer game. Basically, you start at Genesis, and work your way through 66 levels til you get to Revelations. To pass each level, you have to do the correct thing. So, if you're Cain you gotta kill Abel, then you pass that level. If you're Abraham then you gotta NOT kill Isaac to pass the level. Oh man, it'll be the best. There are so many possibilities. And it could pay homage to plenty of classic games, too. For instance, Zaccheus climbing the tree could be like Mario Bros, getting that dude through the roof would be like Tetris, and the book of Song of Songs would basically be an Old Testament version of Leisure Suit Larry. Revelation could be interesting. Not sure exactly how to go about that one. Oh yeah, and there could be hidden extras, little easter eggs that take you in different theological directions (click here for the pre-millenial-dispensationalist level, or get the cheat-codes for the hidden Apocrypha levels)

Yeah man, I think I'm definitely on to something here. And if the game really takes off, I could make a sequel: Church History: the computer game . And boy, what an interesting game that will be.

Monday, February 16, 2009

Today I went to the VUT Student Osteopath Clinic on Flinders Lane. It's where for a reduced fee you can put your most important joints and tendons into the unskilled hands of a nervous nineteen year old student.

And sure, you have to sign a form stating you won't sue for malpractice, but for FIFTEEN BUCKS! I mean, c'mon, that's a bargain!

Anyway, while I was sitting in the waiting room I noticed there were both male and female Osteos working there, and I wondered whether I would be seeing a guy or a girl today. I weighed up the pros and cons of each, and decided I would probably feel more comfortable with a male. Just something about paying $15 to go into a small room, take my top off and lay on a bed with a stranger rubbing my body for 45 minutes that feels a little too South-East Asia for my liking. At least with a man my mind would stay pure (I hope).

As it turned out I saw one of the guy Osteos. Well, two actually. One of them hesitantly prodded and squeezed my body parts while the other sat silently in the corner, watching us. I was promptly asked to take my top off. Immediately there was a knock on the door and two more (male) student Osteos came in. I can only describe them as looking like two tall gay footballers. They closed the door behind them and stood in front of it (essentially blocking my only means of escape!).

So there I am, standing topless in the middle of the room, surrounded by four fumbling nervous dudes looking curiously at my naked flesh, and I suddenly felt peculiarly vulnerable.

It was like a scene out of some weird 1970s art-house movie. After some hesitant introductions, one of the gay footballers started telling me to raise my arms in the air, stretch them over there, take a sip of this strange green brew, lie down on the large psychedelic shagpile rug, try these heart-shaped tablets...

Hmmm. Maybe I would have felt more comfortable with a female Osteo after all?

Friday, February 13, 2009

The other day I was buying a parking ticket and the machine was doing this thing they sometimes do where they clock-up time for some coins but don't for others, and this machine had just ignored 3 of my twenty-cent coins in a row. So I thought, bugger this, I'm gonna leave a note on my dashboard: Ticket Machine Not Working. Well, it worked (the sign that is) because I didn't get booked.

Afterward, I drove to a few other places and instead of buying a ticket I just left the note there each time I parked. Then suddenly it occurred to me - those ticket machines are very temperamental. They're always breaking down. And sometimes they're not working one minute and then they're working the next. Who's gonna argue with a hand-written sign on a dashboard? So now I just leave the sign there permanently. No more tickets for me. The only thing is, the note is starting to look a bit faded from the sun.

So I'm gonna write a new note, only this time I'll have it laminated! That way it'll last for ages. Genius.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Aaaaargh! I've lost creative control of my blog!I had a wonderful post (not this one obviously) all ready to go. It was about how I told this girl I had just met that I wouldn't drink soy milk because it made men turn gay and women grow extra breasts. It was riveting stuff; a satirical expose into the dark world of homophobia and pseudo-science conspiracy websites. However, my editor (the missus) decided that for all its genius, the brilliant satirical humour would go over the heads of some readers, and that some left-wing pinko would undoubtably find it horribly offensive. I then proceeded to submit a series of drafts, each one less subtle in its humour than the last, until I was writing such blatant disclaimers as: "THIS IS A JOKE! I do not subscribe to the beliefs herefore mentioned." And writing explanatory notes at the end of paragraphs such as: "Dear Reader. In case you didn't realise, I am using this seemingly offensive material as a catalyst for addressing complex issues. In doing so, I hope to raise awareness about the damaging influences of psuedo-science and hate-websites in society."I mean, c'mon! Hello! That's what satire is! Why do i need to explain it? Nobody writes a poem and says in the middle of it 'In case you didn't realise, this is a poem, and that's why it rhymes.' In the end, I watered it down so much it became monumentally UN-FUNNY, and I couldn't post it.It might be for the best, though. I mean, my editor does have a good point. There are two things I have learnt about those left-wing pinkos:They have:1. Absolutely no sense of humour2. A propensity for physical violence

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

I have a theory. The first song I hear when I jump in my car is the greatest song ever. It doesn't seem to matter what band or genre it is, there is something about the immediate impact it has when I crank up the radio. Each song after that doesn't seem to have the same effect. I've been toying with this theory for a while now, but it gained a lot more cred yesterday when I heard Yothu Yindi and decided they were like totally awesome (I remember thinking at the time about how under-rated they were, or something like that - Yeah, I know, I was off the planet!) Then today my theory gained even more cred when I decided that Funeral For A Friend were my new favorite band. Help me. And I know my theory has some weight to it because after Funeral For A Friend they played a Daft Punk song and I was like 'ho-hum' what-ev about it. Scary.

Monday, December 15, 2008

A lot of people have been wanting to know what a meme is, so I thought: What better way to explain memes than through song? Hopefully these lyrics should clear up any questions you might have once and for all:

I WANNA KNOW WHAT MEME IS - by Foreigner

Lets talk about MemesI wanna know what Meme is, the Memes that you feel insideI want you to show me, and I’m feeling so much MemeI wanna feel what Meme is, no, you just cannot hideI know you can show me, yeah

In my life there’s been heartache and painI don’t know if I can face it againCant stop now, I’ve traveled so farTo change this lonely life...Chorus:I wanna know what Meme isI want you to show meI wanna feel what Meme isI know you can show me

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Lately I have noticed a new kind of political correctness creeping in regarding the weather. It seems to have become socially unacceptable to complain about rainy days. You must always speak of them with the utmost favor. And if you do happen to mention the rain with a less than enthusiastic tone, it is then necessary to add: ‘oh, but I guess we really need it.’ Not only that, but I have noticed on sunny days people who have remarked ‘what a lovely sunny day it is’ who then immediately feel guilty and quickly add ‘oh yeah, but we really could do with some rain.’ There is nothing wrong with this of course, but I just wonder how far this new brand of political correctness will go: ‘Well our wedding was completely ruined, but on the bright-side we do need the rain.’ ‘Yeah, the storms destroyed our home, our business and everything we hold dear, but just think, all that rain has got to be good for the farmers.’

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

I was reading something the other day about blogging and it said that the all the best bloggers these days talk about memes. According to the article, you're not a real blogger unless you talk about memes all the time. Naturally, when I read this I was appalled and disgusted - at myself!! How on earth had I managed to have over thirty posts, and not even once broach the topic of memes? So I decided to rectify the situation, and hopefully restore some semblance of credibility to my reputation as a blogger, by writing a poem about memes (hoping also, in the process, to be counted among that glorified inner-circle of esteemed bloggers with their fingers firmly on the pulse of the Zeitgeist - ooh yeah, that's right baby, all you cultural elites better watch out! Enthusiastic Hack is about to crash your cultural hegemony tea-party!).

That Crazy Little Lovable Meme - a poem (about memes)

There once was a crazy little lovable memeWho had a crazy little memey dreamShe was drowning in a pool of chlorinated steamOh, that crazy little lovable meme

There once was an ambitious visionary memeWho devised a multi-level marketing schemeAnd embezzled all the funds and moved overseasOh, that crazy little lovable meme

There once was an unstable, volatile memeWho was interested in extreme right-wing ideologiesHe spent eight highly traumatic years in the militaryOh, that crazy little lovable meme

There once was a wealthy patriarchal memeWho was African-American and named AkeemBut it's not the character played by Eddie MurphyIn Coming to America - that's just coincidental and arbitraryOh, that crazy little wealthy, patriarchal, lovable old meme

Monday, November 24, 2008

Protestants Make Better Jam than CatholicsFrom The TelegraphOne of Britain's leading Roman Catholic commentators risks arousing the fury of her co-religionists by suggesting that Protestants make better jam than Catholics. And not just jam, but marmalades and pickles, too.

Mary Kenny, writing in the Catholic Herald, says that, as an ecumenical gesture, she attended choral evensong on Remembrance Sunday in her local C of E church, St Andrew's, Deal. So tasty was the lemon marmalade at the bunfight afterwards that she was reminded of her childhood in Ireland "where it has always been said, even among the least ecumenically minded Catholics, that the Protestant ladies make the best jams, marmalades and pickles, because of their tradition of good housewifery."

Lately I was thinking myself to be an Ames Ace of Grub Street. A right coxcomb I was. All a-mort and spiflicated, I was. But now I spose it was comin by Tom Long, and all agog fer a fiddle faddle. Well, I sure felt a right Rum Duke, I did. N'ertheless, twas but a fiddlestick's end, it twas. All but quirks and quillets it twas. Bet n'ertheless, unlike a Soft Tommy gone down Red Lane, I sure as shimmy aint no addle-plot. Nay, sir, I was a right Rosy Gills, I was. Grinning like a basket of chips, I was. (I should probably mention that from now on I plan to write this blog entirely in 18th Century Cockney slang. Let me know what you think of the "new direction")

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

One of my all-time favourite songs is Outdoor Type by the Lemonheads. To my delight it came on the radio today while I was driving, and so I cranked up the volume. I was happily singing along with it until I reached the third verse and in particular these lyrics:

I can’t go away with you on a rock-climbing weekendWhat if something’s on TV and it’s never shown again?

Now I’ve probably heard this song a thousand times and this line has never seemed odd to me before. But today I found myself thinking: ‘Hang on a minute. Why don’t you just YouTube it? Don’t you know you can find practically anything online these days? There is absolutely no logical reason why you would need to give up a weekend away just to wait for some show to appear on TV?’

And with that the song was ruined.

Now I know what you’re thinking: ‘Chill out mate, it’s only a song.’

Of course I realise that, and I know they’re just silly lyrics, but think about it. No artist these days would ever put that line in a song. It simply has no cultural relevance whatsoever. Nobody cares about missing their favourite TV show anymore. Why? Because they know they can always go to school the next day and borrow their friend’s downloaded copy of the entire season, including all the episodes that haven’t even aired yet.

See what I mean? The whole context which the songwriter (Evan Dando, no less! Don’t get me wrong, he is a genius) is employing to convey his imagery has now become culturally redundant, therefore eliminating the listener’s ability to relate to it, and thus thoroughly diluting the power of the message he intends to convey.

See. A good song. Completely ruined. I can’t listen to it anymore.

I wonder how many other perfectly good songs have been ruined by technology?

If you can think of any, or have had a similar experience to me when listening to a song (I doubt it – you’re probably normal) then please share it in the comments section.CheersEDIT: It has come to my attention that Evan Dando did not write this song after all. It was written by Tom Morgan of the band Smudge, and was later covered by The Lemonheads. I apologise for the error. But let that be a lesson to us all: We should never believe anything we read. Or hear. Ever! And I mean anything! Especially anything!!!!

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Below is an example of what can happen when somebody (read: me) becomes too dependant on a thesaurus.

You see, I have only just recently discovered the thesaurus on Microsoft Word. I can’t say I have ever really made much use of a thesaurus before, but it’s kind of addictive – I can see how it could become a definite crutch. I am over-using it I know, but I can’t help it.

Now here is the same paragraph, with every word changed to an alternative word using the thesaurus:

Underneath is an exemplar of I beg your pardon? can happen when someone (translate: me) becomes excessively child on a thesaurus.You distinguish, I encompass solitary presently of late revealed the lexicon scheduled Microsoft Utterance. I cannot declare I encompass eternally actually created a large amount utilize of a vocabulary before, but it’s variety of addictive – I container perceive how it might be converted into an unambiguous support. I am in surplus of using it I discern, nevertheless I cannot aid it.

Currently at this juncture is the same subsection, with every word altered to a different word utilizing the lexicon:

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

I find I am able to watch documentaries about Afganistan or Iraq or starving children in Africa without becoming too depressed, but the type of docos that really get me down are those ‘against-all-odds’ success stories. You know the kind of documentaries where some blind guy with no arms or legs decides to climb Mount Everest? I mean, come on, that’s not inspiring. It’s bloody depressing. I mean, here I am with four fully functioning limbs, and I can’t even stick to my once-a-week jogging schedule because I’ve got ‘a little bit of a cold’, or I’m a ‘bit too tired tonight.’ How am I supposed to feel when I watch these programs?Granted, it wouldn’t be too bad if these stories were the exception to the rule, but it seems like these days just about every freaking amputee or paraplegic is either paddling a kayak to Antarctica or training for the next Paralympics.

I only mention it because last night on Enough Rope, Denton was interviewing yet another one of these ‘defying the odds’ guys (a one-legged man who was, you guessed it, planning to scale Mount Everest), and it just so happened that earlier that very night I had decided not to go for a jog, because of, well, um, see I can’t even remember what my pansy excuse was now, but I tell you what, watching that interview definitely did not inspire me to put my runners back on.

Monday, November 3, 2008

With all the talk of impending financial Armageddon at the moment, I am reminded of this book I found a while ago called Surviving the Great Depression of 1990. It was written shortly after the 1987 stock market crash, and explains why the world is headed for an ‘unprecedented economic collapse’, and the ‘worst depression since the 1930s’ (does this sound familiar?) Whilst it is good to read just for a laugh, it also gives me some perspective on the current wave of fear-mongering in the press, and the ‘Capitalism is dead’ talk I am hearing everywhere. Perhaps the world is not about to end after all?