the future in retrospect…

Inspiration

…and Moses, when he was come of age, refused to be called the son of Pharaoh’s daughter…

Anonymous

For the most part of my adult life, I’ve been learning to say no. Only a few tasks in the whole wide world could prove more difficult than saying no. I could give up a huge chunk of my life savings just to evade the unpleasantness of turning down a request. *The things people say when they have little or nothing in their savings…*

Each day, we make new decisions and review old ones – choosing to live, to love, to laugh, to be free, to hit the mark… So that, when we have to say no, once may not be enough. Rejecting the things that don’t align with one’s purpose takes more than verbalizing fancy zingers. We ought to live practically by design.

Saying No is in three stages:
I. Saying
II. Doing
III. Being

Stage I
Thoughts, desires, and interactions make up the ‘Saying stage’. We say no first by mental assent, and then by communicating. Sometimes with a smile, at other times we just blurt out the word coldly. NO! When saying No, clarity and firmness are not less important than being polite. Whether it be a case of one walking away from a toxic relationship or, rejecting a deal that negates what they stand for, a polite but unclear No is in the vicinity of a Yes. This is not surprising, given that in most real life situations, our options are usually binary:Yes or No True or False To Love Aloud or to Hold back To Live or to Merely Exist To Invite the Future or to Wallow in Regrets

If there be any middle ground or shades of gray, they are real only to the degree to which one embodies indifference as a virtue. No one should be in doubt when you say No.

Interestingly, ‘Saying’ doesn’t always suffice.

Question: I am free from the thoughts of my awful past, but I still find myself in similar situations now.

Answer: You’re still at the first stage. Move on to the next.

Stage II
Actions take us to the ‘Doing stage’. I learnt not long ago, that we do not always do what we think or desire to do. That’s why a person can be kind and yet not good. One may entertain noble thoughts all day on a Friday, and yet hang out with the wrong company at night, while still having mental flashes of puritan endeavours in the same gathering. It takes great effort to align actions with thoughts, and this is simply due to behaviour inertia. In fact, when we do not go through on our word, it’s not necessarily because a situation became daunting in the course of time. It just takes more effort to do than to say.

‘Doing’ involves smartly dissociating one’s self from the people, places and things which conspire, though discreetly, to Yes the No. It involves giving up the privileges and benefits we’d enjoy if we had said Yes. One of the ‘privileges’ of wallowing in regrets is that we get to compare what we are now to what we could have been had we not messed things up so badly. A person who has chosen to say No to the past, has to give up that ‘privilege’. In ‘Doing’, we bear the opportunity cost of ‘Saying’, and sometimes this cost could be so high that we wonder if we’re not overreacting by ‘Saying No’.

Question: This is getting kinda dogmatic with methods and steps, dos and don’ts. I just want to live my life, be me, and be real. How?

Answer: Actually we should have started from stage III

Stage III
Underlying this whole Yes/No rant of mine is a rhetorical question that almost every adult individual asks: Why Can’t I Just Be Me?? Thankfully, it’s rhetorical, so I’m not obligated to provide an answer. *Of course I wouldn’t even know where to start the answer from…*

There isn’t a standard checklist of what and what one needs to do to ensure their No remains No. By ‘Being’, we are simply Unavailable to the things that distract us. This is not some fancy theory.

We are what we are by Nature and by how we are Nurtured. By Nature, there are things we can’t do. But each of us yet has a responsibility to defiantly unlearn even our most natural failings.

It is possible to live like the past is gone forever
; like no one has ever hurt you
; to choose not to be an emotional burden to one’s partner
; to walk the path of truth and honour daily.

We get to this point by ‘Being’. At this stage, ‘Saying’ and ‘Doing’ follow almost naturally.

Here, we do not just say No, we affirm our position. Yes, I said No!

Yes, I said No. No! Yea I say it again. Though for saying so, I yet have nothing to show.

Yes, I said no. Seasons come. And seasons go. But I’m not worried about tomorrow.

Yes, I said No. Lofty heights, sunken depths. Wherever I go. I shall never lose hope.

Yes, I said No. Though I still need You. But if No costs me You, Then I’ll walk alone.

Stella never forgets
The wrong she did;
Though she’s repented a million times,
She still feels guilty.

She never forgets
Friends who said they’ll be there,
Who left when evening came;
Friends who left and evening came.

She still regrets
That one act of carelessness,
While juggling job, hubby and baby

The pain of separation,
The loss of her baby,
Her joy tampered with.

The pain and the hurt,
Kisses of betrayal,
The time wasted with a fake lover.

Stella never forgets,
She never forgives,
Not others,
Not herself.

Can’t say if its a natural gifting or a learned skill but Stella has an incredible ability to recall really unpleasant events in her life.

For someone who can barely remember the topic of her final year undergraduate project, you may begin to wonder how she’s able to recollect the date (day, month, year) of almost every misfortune that has ever befallen her.

Before now she was a slave to the memories of her past. Every decision she made (or didn’t make) was predicated upon unobjective and/or emotional deductions from some unpleasant experience in her past. A loop was initiated, such that one hurtful experience led to another. The common link being the fact that she was hard at letting go of the awful memories. Of a truth, our lives are inadvertently shaped by our most dominant thoughts.

At the part where our wall of defense against hurt is highest, there we are most vulnerable to it. The more we try not to be vulnerable, and are suspicious of everyone and everything we come across, the more we move into zones where hurt is more subtle, not easily identifiable, but is most potent – especially with the element of surprise. Moreover, the sting of a hurtful experience is in our habouring the hurt not in the hurt itself. Of course, that’s not to say that hurt is an illusion, or that we shouldn’t be careful.

When we gloat over previous disappointments, we run the risk of training our minds to see failure in every assignment, hypocrisy in the most sincere motives, betrayal in the best of friendship, and blessings as disguised curses. Given the fact that no friend, colleague or family member is perfect, and no situation is trouble proof, these things become clearly visible and we then pride ourselves to be of great intuition. Not knowing that we are gradually becoming opportunity blind.

Forgetting is so difficult. To gloat over a misfortune seems like the easy thing to do. With little or no effort, one can recall with clarity, certain experiences that have left scars.

Therein lies the challenge – that we forget the past, approach life boldly, making friends, opening new doors, massively investing time and resources in new frontiers – and when the unexpected happens, we take a moment to ease the grief, evaluate the situation, learn our lessons, then move on.

Since Stella finds it difficult to forget, she has decided to redirect her energy. No longer a slave to hurts, grudges, revenge, guilt and disappointments. Focused on the nice and sweet things in her life, she’s surprised to find so many.

Her marriage is on the brink of crashing, but she’s determined to save it, though married to a man whose only discernible talent is the ability to creatively design new ways by which life will be unbearable for her.

In spite of all, she chooses not to forget that each hurt was designed to make her stronger, each disappointment for her to see new opportunities, each wrong done was not to burden with guilt but to help her identify with other people in similar situation. And most of all, she chooses not to forget that She Is Blessed.

Stella’s marriage eventually crashed, But she’s resolved to forget her awful past and step boldly into a new life.

#StartANewLife

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Copyright (c) February 2015 clickpresh’s blog. All Rights Reserved.

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Its about that time in January when the new year fever has subsided considerably, and I’m down to just one new year resolution out of several I made. I had 11 at the beginning of the year, I guess the other ten had their own resolutions too and I lost out in the clash of resolutions. At least they should have sent a memo, perhaps I’d have picked less competitive resolutions.

One of my 11 resolutions now defunct was that I’d look less at pretty dark-skinned Lagos women. I was having a smooth ride until the usual January fasting and prayers ended, work resumed, a Lagos traffic (human and vehicular) which knew not 2015 took to the streets and highways. Then I saw. And it was good.

Please don’t blame me. There are only a few of them left in Lagos – courtesy Toning. And I’m of the opinion that an agency be set up to help preserve this endangered specie of pretty women – Department for the Preservation of Dark-skinned Ladies DPDL. I am willing to be the director of that agency. *faints with one eye open*

Ok I’m back. Back to less serious matters. It is imperative that we set goals at the start of each new year, so we are motivated though the year. Resolutions would have neatly fallen into the ‘goals’ category were it not for the fact that they are intricately tied to die-hard habits. We treat them with the same wishful thinking paradigm devoid of meticulously planned purposeful commitment.

2015 is on the move, faster than the speed at which a Nigerian politician can mis-manage public funds. How then do we meet up with our life, career and relationship goals.
Spirituality (in life), talent (in career), and/or love (in relationship) alone doesn’t perform the magic needed for a fantastic year. There’s the part of making decisions/resolutions to live, work and love. There’s also the part of sticking with them by doing what is required.

Of course we are quite familiar with these sayings. Why then do we not finish the year as strong as we ought to? Perhaps we should place less emphasis on the year and rather focus on each new day. Maybe we should have New Year Daily Resolutions in place of New Year Resolutions, and New Day Resolutions in place of New Year Resolutions. What exactly is a year? It is simply a couple of days.

Goals of every kind and size must be fit into a daily agenda. Financial freedom and security, mortgage and property, chastity in relationship, marriage, sound health, personal rebranding, skill dexterity et al as far reaching as they seem, become easier when a little of each is consistently achieved each new day.

If I am committed to achieving my daily goals in life, career and relationship, the year will certainly take care of itself. Should I then desist from making yearly resolutions? No. But the yearly should be predicated on feasible dailies or I lose out and have none left at the end of January, because the usual Jan.1st energy bust is temporary.

Today presents an amazing opportunity for me to have a fantastic year.

In 2015 I shall live in sound health Today, I eat healthy

In 2015 I shall be blessed financially Today, I save some money and eliminate waste

In 2015 I shall be the best in my field Today, I take time out to practice

In 2015 I shall not indulge in acts of moral and/or sexual misconduct Today, I flee every appearance of evil

In 2015 I shall be favoured Today, I help the needy

Did I tell you what my remaining (out of the first 11) new year resolution is?

Its to make each new day count.

To start each new day like its a new year.

To greet everyone I come across like I’ve not seen them since last year, even though I saw them yesterday.

To say a prayer as soon as I’m awake, and plan my day as I would a new year, rather than grab my phone to read feeds on twitter.

To work hard on my job like I’ll give an annual report at the end of today.

To love and cherish (in practical terms) the people in my life like I’ll be closer to the grave by tomorrow morning. Of course I will.

I know you are surprised that I could even afford money to buy pen and paper to write you this letter, you need not be. Our love has come a long way and I’ll do everything within my power to preserve it.

The last time you wrote me, you clearly ended our relationship. My heart broke! After all the idle times we shared, you now use your time productively? You forget so soon that ‘all is vanity’. Of what use will your productivity be if it yields so much, and you become affluent, only to die someday and bequeath your possessions to one who is not worthy of it.

Before we met you were never satisfied, never felt contented. I taught you how to manage what you have. I even took what you had so you’ll learn to live with nothing. Have you forgotten so soon the scriptures I interpreted to guide you to live in perpetual lack. After some years you became a veteran; writing books on the subject and teaching others that lack is godly and that rich people are ungodly.

I don’t know who you’ve been listening to. But I guess you’ve been reading books written by men who claim they know the keys to prosperity and abundance. Its all lies dear. I have told you times without number that wealth comes by pure luck. Just wait for your opportunity, it will surely come, though it delays. And when it comes, do not take it if it is not a very big one.

What offends me the most is your new super-human ability; belief in yourself. Wonders have indeed ended! Take a look at yourself, where you are now, and all that you have. Yet you talk about big things like raising a beautiful family, contributing to social causes and becoming the best in your field. Don’t be deceived by false hopes. Where are you going to get the money to fund those big projects you are planning? How will you pay your children’s school fees?

I remember you also told me of your new fondness with hardwork. How you do not rest until the job is done. You think success is by hardwork? Whoever told you that forgot to tell you about stress related illnesses and death. Big man Big trouble! Please take it easy my dear, the race is not to the swift.

You have chosen a very dangerous path; You now take risks on a daily basis, challenge yourself to do things that are beyond your abilities, see beyond your horizon, expand your capacity in anticipation of greater responsibility. Don’t you think you could lose everything just by one little ‘not so silly’ mistake? We were very secure in our small world; we could predict each day, what to expect and what not to expect; until you chose to move to dream land. Please wake up my love.

I understand our relationship is complicated, you know how many times you flirted with laziness and ineptitude. But I’ve always loved you and I still do. Please reconsider your ways and return to me your first love.

Thanks,

Your Ex
Lack Poor

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Copyright (c) November 2014 clickpresh’s blog. All rights reserved.

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And so I joined the race.
Was I supposed to sit and watch?
There’s not even a seat in place,
VIPs, Nobodys, Everybody, in the rush;
The quarterly targets,
Annual deadlines,
Schedules and itinerary,
Impossible timelines.

Time waiting for no one,
Tirelessly sprinting to the future,
An era in the distant past to come,
A full circle in eternity conjectured;
For one, a time to cuddle her baby,
Me, a time to hope for a spouse,
No competition,
Destiny sets the agenda without grouse.

The right business opportunities,
My long awaited better half,
Sincere heart fancies
All have one thing in common;
The tendency to delay,
The denial illusion,
Prayers seemingly unanswered,
Aversion to arriving when needed most

Patience and endurance,
The rules of the game,
If I must make it in time,
Then I must take my time;
I run with diligence,
Walk with patience,
Crawl with speed,
I eventually arrive.

Wasn’t rich at 35,
Didn’t make my papers at first sitting,
Wasn’t married at 27,
No child 5 years after wedding;
But I know how it works,
There is a time for me for every need,
When they are most beautifully met,
The pain of desire vanishing in a second.