Con: Too busy hugging everyone to actually execute the duties of office; no one likes the sound of “Vice President the Edge” or “Secretary of Health and Human Services Larry Mullen Jr.”; the whole “Zoo TV” thing.

14.

AL GORE

Pro: Knows how to get to the White House, where to park, location of restrooms.

Con: Wants to accomplish something meaningful.

15.

WALTERMONDALE

Pro: Has spent last 22 years going over tape, reviewing mistakes, plotting, scheming, waiting, watching, preparing to pounce like a 79-year-old Minnesotan panther.

Con: None.

16.

JESUSCHRIST

Pro: Could draw some initial interest from the Christian right until they research his actual positions in a deeper way; likable; strong leadership qualities.

Con: Unkempt; pretty far left; messianic complex.

17.

THATONEGUYWHOSEEMEDREALLYCOOL

Pro: Remember? He was a senator or congressman or something? It was a while ago. He seemed super-smart but also normal. I saw him this one time.

Con: Crap, what was his name? Or was it a lady? Do you know who I’m talking about? Crap.

18.

ZOMBIELYNDONJOHNSON

Pro: Could sway red-state voters as well as Fangoria crowd; ’60s-era campus unrest has died down.

Con: Tendency to groan instead of talk could hurt chances in live debates; constant need to feed on fresh brains could limit campaigning.