8.17pm: Evening all. What did we used to do on Wednesdays? I can't remember, all I know is that we're right her for another much-anticipated Wednesday night instalment of The Apprentice, and this week our assorted beachfront donkeys are attempting to breathe new life into the town of Margate.

I'll be here from 9pm on BBC1, then over to BBC2 from 10pm for You're Fired! with Adrian Chiles. Feel free to add your comments, musings or any manky old bits of candyfloss in the box below.

Back at 9!

9.00pm: It's starting! Job interview from hell, first prize is getting to work for Sirallun, second prize don't exist. Is it just me that yells 'DOESN'T exist, you illiterate beardy fool!' at the screen every week? OK, just me then.

If they win, they get a job with a six figure salary, and the key to a lock-up in Essex full of dusty Amstrad e-m@ilers.

9.01pm: Previously on the apprentice they went up north to sell a giant comedy man-shaped sleeping bag and a Crappy Cardboard Box for Cats. Pantsman Philip threw his boardroom toys out of his pram and picked on Lorraine like the total tool he is, and got his ass quite rightly fired.

This week he is sharing the story of his love for Kate in Heat, and I predict an OK! wedding before the end of the year, because no one is likely to provide him with gainful employment and I suspect she's high maintenance.

9.04pm: Some arty shots of London at night, looking like somewhere quite glamorous and exotic. It is 5.10am, and Mona appears to be sleepwalking to the phone. They have to meet Sirallun at the Greenwich Peninsula, with an overnight bag.

More arty shots of sunrise over London, inexplicably not featuring anyone pissing in a doorway.

9.05pm: They meet Sirallun at the O2. In an entirely unrelated aside, I shall be there in ten days to see Girls Aloud. Anyway, Sirallun reminds us that it used to be the Millennium Dome, 'built about ten years ago'. What, for the millennium, possibly? Anyway, it cost a packet and was a giant white elephant, until it was rebranded as an top-class concert venue. Unless of course you get one of the nosebleed seats up the top, in which case it's a vertiginous nightmare.

9.08pm: This week's task is for the teams to rebrand the town of Margate, which has got a little tired. They have two days to make Margate cool again, and present their ideas to some branding experts and officials from Margate. Margatians? Marigolds? Martians? Please advise.

Howard wants to project manage his team (I don't know which is which any more,but it also has Debra, Mona and James on it), but Debra clearly wants to be in charge, and you don't fuck with Debra, or she will melt your face with her steely Chucky Doll-glare. Yasmeena is leading the other team, which has Lorraine, Ben and Kate on it. There's got to be a bitch fight in there somewhere.

9.09pm: Mona knows lots about Margate, because she is from Kent. It's a seaside resort, she tells her team, helpfully, so they must go for the family market. Howard points out that this is not a rebranding, at which point James suggests they target the gay market, because 'they' go on more holidays and spend more money. Mona looks aghast, and suggests the family market, as if saying it repeatedly will make it happen. She clearly watched Philip pitch Pantsman.

In case we were in any way unclear on this matter, Mona doesn't feel the gay market is suitable for Kent, because the gay market is not a 'big thing' for Kentish people. Clearly she has never seen the episode of Darling Buds of May where Pa Larkin gets frisky with the Major. The (no doubt numerous) gay people of Kent then present HoMonaPhobe with a big rainbow shovel, whilst we all stand back and watch her dig.

9.10pm: Lorraine wants to market to families, because we're all holidaying in the UK now, particularly in the south, which has been hit by a downturn. What, are they all off to Amalfi on their giant bonus cheques up north?

Lorraine's natural instinct , therefore (stay awake, people) is to focus on the family. Margaret looks bored. We're all bored. Of Lorraine, and her sodding instinct.

9.13pm: Lorraine and Ben are off to research Margate for Team Family, whilst James and Mona are researching for Gay Margate (Margay?).

In London, Howard and Debra are casting hot men for their gay poster campaign. Howard (who is, I believe, gay) asks if the models have done any same sex work, which they haven't. He re-assures them that there will be no kissing, just holding hands. Hmm, it has the makings of a campaign, you know – "Margay – No Kissing, Just Holding Hands". Nick looks highly dubious.

9.14pm: Ben and Lorraine (possibly my worst threesome fantasy ever) are in Margate, admiring boarded-up buildings and bingo halls. Meanwhile Mona is canvassing opinion on Margay from residents, explaining that its' a good idea because 'those people' have a lot of spare cash. There is already a small gay scene in Margate, we hear, and they had a Gay Pride march earlier in the year. Mona looks doubtful. Seems there are gay people in Kent after all. Who knew? Oh hang on, we all did.

Yasmeena and Kate are finding their perfect mum and dad, which seems to mainly involve looking at men's torsos. Back in Margate, Ben and Lorraine are looking for their perfect poster shot, which involves Ben making a wanky frame with his fingers and pretending he's David fecking Bailey.

9.17pm: This task might be a struggle, Ben tells us, because Margate 'isn't exactly the Seychelles, is it?'. No, Ben. It's not. It's much closer to home and a good deal cheaper, see? Oh, never mind.

Ben suggests a slogan for Margate - 'Shellabrate Family Fun', which makes him sound pissed. Lorraine suggests 'See Margate through Children's Eyes', which is just creepy.

Mona and James go to a gay bar, where Mona asks a pre-op transsexual whether he's a man or a woman. He is wearing a bad wig and sounds like Dick Emery, but she patronises him nonetheless and the nation clenches.

Howard likes 'Things Are Changing' as a slogan, which suggests he's running for local council rather than rebranding Margate as Mykonos. Ooh, that's another idea - 'Why Mykonos When You Can Margate?'. I really should go back into marketing, you know.

9.20pm: On the one day Ben and Lorraine have to take pictures, there is thick fog in Margate and they can't see the beach. Bummer.

In a fake nightclub, Mona and James are trying to make a load of models dance and look gay. Nick says they look stiff and wooden, fnarr.

Back on Team Family's photo shoot, the family are making pottery. Is Margate the home of family pottery fun? If so, why not keep driving until you reach France?

Howards and Debra are arguing about how many words should be on a poster. Howard quite rightly wants minimalist, Debra wants War and Peace. 'But you always hand a poster out' she says, randomly. Where? Where do you hand a poster out? That's a leaflet, you crazy droid-woman.

9.22pm: Back in Margate, the fog has lifted, and James and Mona's models are holding hands on the beach. James buys icecream for them to hold, and tells them 'not too much suggestive licking, guys – we're not making a porno'. Ah yes, icecream-based gay porn, full of gay men 99-ing each other.

Ben is on the beach in his ridiculous cityboy shirt and tie, making more frames with his fingers. Tosser.

9.24pm: Meanwhile back in London, Yasmeena is narked that there is no empty space around the photos for the text. In the gospel according to Lorraine, 'a poster is for a holiday is a vision, not a product, and you can't touch it'. Sorry? Are you speaking in tongues? And while we're at it, what in god's name are you wearing? It appears to be some kind of knitted armour.

Team Margay's photos look excellent, and everyone seems very happy. Yasmeena and Lorraine, however, are just about ready to kill each other. Lorraine continues to bang on about concepts and visions.

Things are now also getting fractious in Team Margay, with Mona wanting stuff done at the last minute. There is blank space on the leaflet, because they ran out of time.

9.29pm: Next day, and they have to sell their idea to the branding experts. PLEASE don't let Mona make the pitch.

Kate is pitching the family idea. Unless my eyes are deceiving me, they have failed to put the apostrophe in 'children's'. FIRE THEM ALL.

The brand guy asks what makes their posters stand out, and Lorraine thinks the blue colour is a theme. 'That's the sky', he says. Everyone starts bullshitting wildly about blue themes and consistency.

9.31pm: In Howard's pitch for Margay, what looked quite promising in the earlier stages actually looks a bit crap. A shame, because it was a good idea. There are too many words on the poster, so Debra clearly won that fight and should be FIRED. Howard explains the blanks spaces on the unfinished leaflet are an opportunity for local businesses to advertise. Nice try, Howard. 'So it's not finished, then' says the highly astute branding person, earning her giant salary and no doubt limitless expenses.

9.35pm: Kate presents confidently to the people of Margate. The pictures look industrial, however, and the theme doesn't break any boundaries, she is told. It is solid, safe and a bit pedestrian. I'm thinking they might like Margay more.

Howard makes an excellent pitch, but the locals describe the visuals as 'dreadful'. However, a Daily-Mail reading hater who is clearly Mona's spiritual friend feels it's not mass-market enough.

9.38pm: It's boardroom time! And I think Margay is going to lose. If so, Debra wants firing. Sirallun points out that the beach picture seen through children's eyes doesn't have any children on it. No, it's seen through their EYES, see. Oh, never mind.

Sirallun says he doesn't get the Margay posters, and the leaflet is a pile of crap with big white spaces on it. Yes, WE KNOW. FIRE DEBRA, IT'S HER BLADDY FAULT.

Empire (Margay) got 4 out of 10 from the residents, whilst Ignite (Family) got 7 out of 10. The branding experts also gave Empire 4, whilst Ignite got 7 again.

So the crappy family idea wins, and Margay loses, because of DEBRA'S STUPID POSTERS.

9.41pm: In the latest installment from Sirallun's Sack of Crap Prizes, Ignite are off to the Lotus racetrack to drive fast cars. Ben looks orgasmic, whereas Debra's face looks like Ben has just driven over it in a Ford Capri.

In the Caff Of The Damned, Mona thinks Margate didn't like the gay market. No, YOU didn't like it, love. BIG difference. Howard thinks it might have been Debra's poster, and James agrees that it was a botch job generally. I think he just called the posters 'cod shit'. Brilliant.

9.43pm: Back in the boardroom, Sirallun points out that they made a bold statement by chosing Margay but then whispered the execution. Also, Mona is a local, but didn't give any tips. On what, the relative gayness of Kent people?

Margaret and Nick have been observing her over eight weeks, says Sirallun, and she had no ideas and no creativity, but she argues that but Debra wouldn't listen.

James thought Mona was inappropriate with the gay people they met (no, really?), and Mona takes up her rainbow shovel again and admits she wasn't fully behind the task. No, don't fire Mona, I don't want her on You're Fired! I want Debra!

9.47pm: Sirallun gives Debra a shoeing for lying about the white space – the brand people didn't like it. In his marketing opinion, it looks like it's been 'designed by loonies'. Asylum residents everywhere should be mortally offended, if you ask me.

'The posters tell me nuffin'!' shouts Sirallun, as Debra borrows Mona's shovel and tries to dig her way out. Debra is bringing Mona and James back, and Sirallun agrees that Howard did a lot on this task. I'm now thinking Mona will go, because Sirallun doesn't like her, even though she is a demon at selling giant man-shaped sleeping bags.

9.51pm: Debra, Mona and James are back for the firing, and Sirallun asks James for his opinion – he says Debra's a nightmare to work with, and whilst she's a bulldog at least she's consistent. I love James, he's comedy gold.

Mona argues that if she wasn't behind the task, she wouldn't have gone to talk to a real live gay person in Margate.

Lots of sniping and talking over each other. Mona stays in the background, says Sirallun, but she argues that Nick and Margaret don't see everything. They don't miss much, says Sirallun. James ducks and dives and is playing a clever game, and Dollface Debra is a right bossy cow. Mona has no creativity, and is at the end of Margate pier in this process. Yay, a seaside metaphor! I thought it would never come.

MONA IS FIRED!!

She thanks Sirallun for the opportunity. Yawn.

9.57pm: Well, she had to go, because she was never going to win. Unfortunately, however, she was my horse in the office sweepstake. Boo. She owes me a pound.

Back in the penthouse, Ben says that he wants Debra to go, because the others are weaker, and that's his ideal scenario. See, my ideal scenario is for someone to dangle the arrogant little prick from the penthouse balcony by his wanky braces. Let's see if Sandhurst still wants you then, fool.

Anyway, over to You're Fired to see who's interrogating Mona. Hopefully the panel will consist of Peter Tatchell, Lily Savage and the bloke from Right Said Fred.

Ooh, there's a programme about WIND on BBC2.

10.01pm: We're over on BBC2, to re-live the more clenchy moments of Week 8. Let's see Mona talking to the transsexual again, shall we? Yay.

The panel is marketing Director of Visit London Martine Ainsworth-Wells, Comedian Jason Manford and Clare 'nice teeth' Balding, who I believe is there for her gayness rather than her sporting knowledge. On comes Mona, looking not at all like Mona, with sexy frock and sleek hair. It's worth it just for the makeover, isn't it?

10.05pm: We see all the things that went wrong on the task. Crap posters, no message, all-round executional disaster.

We get the wisdom of the marketing woman. Sorry, I fell asleep for a moment.

Everyone is discussing how the posters and leaflet could have been better. Adrian says he doesn't know many lesbians, but he's pretty sure they don't frolic about in the water with a rainbow flag. Why ever not?

Jason points out the little map which highlights where gay people in the UK live - Brighton, Manchester, London and Margate. Anywhere else and they would be shot, says Clare. She is quite funny.

10.12pm: Mona is quite sweet, really. She tries to justify her ignorance of the gay community, and you just get the impression that she struggles to express herself and is way out of her depth.

Ooh, Clare just said the same thing. She does not think Mona is homophobic, just out of her depth.

I sense that Mona is learning some very useful life lessons this evening. It's like a public service, teaching tolerance and diversity. Group hug, everyone.

10.17pm: We see her brilliant negotiation with the sleeping bags last week. Negotiation and relationship building are her skills, she tells us, so she'll stick to what she knows. And stay away from creative things, because she's not very good at imagining stuff. If you ask her to imagine a red room, she can't. OK, that's just weird.

Is it me, or this episode really quite dull? I wish I'd got Debra.

10.19pm: We're finished with Mona, it would seem, so we see James' comedy moments instead. He's a lovable buffoon, and I want him to stay at least until interview week.

It's time to review steely ice-bitch Debra, who scares the living shit out of me. The panel all want to punch her. She is highly punchable, in fairness.

10.26pm: Ah, Ben making little frames with his fingers. What a twunt. My favourite is him telling the photographer to 'get more of the sea and less of Margate'.

We then see the blossoming (and please, god, entirely made up) relationship between him and Lorraine. It's like The Graduate, except of course he never went to Sandhurst, thus never graduated. He was offered a scholarship though, apparently.

So what will be Mona's leaving gift this week? A 12-month subscription to Attitude? A week in Brighton with John Barrowman?

The audience don't think Mona should have been fired. It is entirely irrelevant, of course, but it justifies their existence.

They give her a pink feather duster, because she didn't know what one was in the cleaning task. Her disappointment is palpable, as is mine. Could they not even send a the prop-room work experience boy out for a rainbow flag or some lube?

Bye Mona - you could definitely sell, but you're too nice to be Sirallun's Apprentice.

10.29pm: And that's it for this week, people! Next Wednesday, the teams are wrestling with pushchairs and trying to flog rocking horses at the Baby Show, and the lovely Anna Pickard (happy birthday for yesterday, my dear) will be back in the hotseat, so join her right here.

Thanks for all your brilliant comments, and hopefully I'll see you on Saturday for the Eurovision liveblog!! G'night, Hx

More on this story

12 weeks ago, 16 future titans of business came to London ... now only two remain. Tonight, the founder of Amstrad and creator of the legendary e-m@iler telephone chose his heir and successor - or at least his fifth Apprentice. But who is it?

They can blunder, bluff and bluster their way through most things - but the job interview episode always cuts through that. So what will happen tonight? Apart from proving to Surallun that single-position recruitment drives could be a shorter, more painless process than he seems to think, that is. As usual, deposit your rants and raves, predictions and observations in the comment box below ...

Can they choose their product? Can they sell? But can they do it all live, under pressure, in front of a potential audience of thousands AND without looking like complete numpties? We shall see. Drop your views, news and reviews in the comments box, and join the debate. If you're not watching the football.

12 weeks ago, 16 future titans of business came to London ... now only two remain. Tonight, the founder of Amstrad and creator of the legendary e-m@iler telephone chose his heir and successor - or at least his fifth Apprentice. But who is it?

They can blunder, bluff and bluster their way through most things - but the job interview episode always cuts through that. So what will happen tonight? Apart from proving to Surallun that single-position recruitment drives could be a shorter, more painless process than he seems to think, that is. As usual, deposit your rants and raves, predictions and observations in the comment box below ...

Can they choose their product? Can they sell? But can they do it all live, under pressure, in front of a potential audience of thousands AND without looking like complete numpties? We shall see. Drop your views, news and reviews in the comments box, and join the debate. If you're not watching the football.

Will it be all smiles and lollipops, will the inevitable toys be thrown out of the metaphorical (and perhaps literal) pram as the remaining candidates do battle on a baby expo floor? As always, leave your gripes and grumbles, gurgles of happiness and squeals of excited derision in the comment box below. The more, the merrier...