“Freedom House is an independent watchdog organization that advances freedom around the world by supporting democratic change, monitoring freedom, and advocating for human rights.

Today, more than two billion people worldwide live under authoritarian regimes that deprive them of the most basic freedoms, the ones many of us take for granted: the freedom to vote, to voice opinions, to seek justice, to live where they want, or choose their own faith. Support Freedom House today and help the women and men who live in societies where freedom is denied or under threat.”

There is a key unspoken assumption in that declaration. Societies actually exist in which freedom is (i) not denied and/or (ii) not under threat. That assumption – very American – is unacceptable because freedom everywhere is always under threat and/or denied.

We will return to this freedom-has-been-acquired presumption. It is culture-bound at best, an outright lie at worse.

Usually, whenever the words Freedom House appear, two other words instantly follow: non-government organization. Is Freedom House what it claims to be -- independent?

Is Freedom House free?

One tiny bit of information is missing on the web site of these give-me-liberty-or-give-me-death freedom fighters: who are these masked men anyway? Who pays their bills? When I lived there, rents on Dupont Circle where Freedom House´s main office is located, weren`t free. And what about its 150 employees? How do they put hamburgers on the table? Freedom House, for some strange reason, does not tell us.

80% of Freedom House`s budget is paid by the United States Government. Federal dollars increased from $12 to $20 million in 2004-2005 (Bush years), so Uncle Sam clearly felt he was getting his money`s worth.

He who pays the fiddler calls the tune. With the government paying most of the tab, Freedom House is non-governmental in name only. Watch out -- this self-proclaimed independent watchdogorganization needs to be watched. The judge of entire nations needs to be judged.

As for the fiddler´s tune, pay it – I mean, play it – again, Sam…

On May 1, 2012, Freedom House released a report, “Freedom of The Press 2012.” Its core finding:

“Of the 197 countries and territories assessed during 2011, … a total of 66 (33.5 percent) were rated Free, 72 (36.5 percent) were rated Partly Free, and 59 (30 percent) were rated Not Free…The analysis found that only 14.5 percent of the world’s inhabitants lived in countries with a Free press, while 45 percent had a Partly Free press and 40.5 percent lived in Not Free environments.”

Dear Reader, I know the following conclusion will astonish you, given who is giving Freedom House this day its daily bread: the United States has a free press. It scored 18 points (0 to 30 qualifies for a “Free Press” merit badge, 31 to 60 as “Partly Free” and 61 to 100 as “Not Free.”)

Free, Not Free: Of course, everything depends on definitions. In that regard, Freedom House presents its methodology with one of the most incredible boasts I have ever seen:

“The foundation of Freedom House`s work is its analysis…Freedom House's rigorous research methodology has earned the organization a reputation as the leading source of information on the state of freedom worldwide.”

The leading source on freedom. Talk about thinking big. If the assertion is true, Freedom House is truly a great organization. If not, well, it is something else.

Let`s take a look at the methodology so highly vaunted. First, though, I had better explain something to all you non-social scientists out there: the necessity to operationalize abstract concepts and terms.

To start with, what is freedom? To make the word meaningful, I need to operationalize it, i.e., define it in terms of indicators that are observable, objective, not artibrary and preferably quantifiable. An example of one such indicator of freedom: the ability to travel around one`s country without prior government approval. Note: official travel control is observable and identifiable. It is also not debatable: either prior approval (i) exists or it (ii) does not. In that regard, my personal opinion about it – “I don`t believe prior approval is needed" -- means nothing.

I will say it again: any real indicator is observable, concrete. For that reason, to say that an indicator of freedom is “justice combined with equality,” is false. Here I have defined one abstraction in terms of another abstraction. No real indicator is present. Stated differently, I have not said what I mean.

With those notes in mind, how does Freedom House´s methodology stack up?

The methodology Freedom House uses to evaluate freedom of the press around the world consists of 23 questions. I saw on its web site a reference to 109 indicators; I ran a search and couldn´t find them. However, I did locate 124 bullets or subpoints for all questions. I assume they are the indicators, and will proceed accordingly.

Any reasonable review of the 23 questions instantly raises yet more questions:

A specific case. Question A7: “Are media regulatory bodies, such as a broadcasting authority or national press or communications council, able to operate freely and independently?” Obviously, freely and independently are subject to all sorts of interpretations; they are abstract. Hence, they need to be defined by indicators. Freedom House offers this indicator: “Are decisions taken by the regulatory body seen to be fair and apolitical?” Here freely and independently has been defined as fair and apolitical. Two abstractions have been defined in terms of two other abstractions: what is fair? Apolitical? Around and around we go, floating around in the clouds, never touching earth. Which is why no real indicator was offered.

As for the word seen (to be fair):

Freedom House`s methodology is flooded with subjective, arbitrary, imprecise terms. Throughout the 124 indicators you will find the words regularly, routinely, undue interference, unduly onerous, extensive, substantial, undue influence, adequate presence, sufficient level, highly concentrated. They are a clue to what we are in for:

We are in the realm of judgment, not facts. Real indicators deal with the latter. (To clarify: a real indicator would define routinely as once a week, once a day, etc.)

Presenting phony indicators, that is to say, defining one abstraction or opinion/evaluation in terms of another, is not Freedom House`s only problem. Some questions and their indicators are blatant tautologies. In such cases, the assumption is the conclusion; the conclusion, the assumption. Example: question B4: “Do journalists practice self-censorship?” Here is one of Freedom House´s indicators: “Is there widespread self-censorship in the state-owned media? In the privately-owned media?”

Self-censorship is a crucial phenomenon. But what is it exactly? At first blush, such terms (pornography, national security, middle class, organic food, etc.) seem obvious. On closer examination, however, they melt in the hand. Because its indicator only rephrases the term it supposedly defines, Freedom House tells us that self-censorship is…self-censorship. We are sent from Pontius to Pilate.

To conclude this point: Freedom House makes no attempt to do what it demands of others, i.e., use non-arbitrary objective criteria (A4). Research tools exist which work to accomplish that goal. My first research job in grad school was a content analysis of a certain nation´s government radio broadcasts. Thousands of hours were spent coding and entering data, then analyzing them with the Statistical Package for The Social Sciences, notably factor analysis. The key question: did the broadcasts become more bellicose when a future act of agression by that country was at hand? Did the broadcasts predict war? The word bellicose had to be defined precisely, objectively, nonarbitrarily. In such matters, personal opinions and judgments not only don`t count, they bias and defeat the purpose of the study. Human lives were at stake. Given its nonsubjective approach, the research successfully answered the key question.

Freedom of the presscan and should be defined by objectve, nonarbitrary indicators, then measured and analyzed quantitatively, using content analysis of actual media reports. On the other hand, if you want to measure PEOPLE´S OPINIONS AND JUDGMENTS about freedom of the press in their or other countries, go ahead. That is, in fact, what Freedom House is doing; it admits in its methodology presentation:

“The findings are reached after a multilayered process of analysis and evaluation by a team of regional experts and scholars. Although there is an element of subjectivity inherent in the index findings, the ratings process emphasizes intellectual rigor and balanced and unbiased judgments.

The research and ratings process involved several dozen analysts—including members of the core research team headquartered in New York, along with outside consultants—who prepared the draft ratings and country reports. Their conclusions are reached after gathering information from professional contacts in a variety of countries, staff and consultant travel, international visitors, the findings of human rights and press freedom organizations, specialists in geographic and geopolitical areas, the reports of governments and multilateral bodies, and a variety of domestic and international news media.”

The judgments of visitors, professionals, etc., then, are what Freedom House collects. In and of itself, nothing is wrong there. However, you should NOT claim -- as does Freedom House -- that you are measuring freedom of the press per se. By disregarding that distinction, Freedom House falls off a cliff.

* * *

Freedom House asks this question (B1): “Is there official or unofficial censorship?”

About official censorship, Freedom House has plenty to say. Too much, in fact. That is becauseunofficial censorship is where Freedom House`s freedom ends.

Freedom House, I don´t like to be the one to tell you but in your self-proclaimed opposition to ideas and forces that challenge the right of all people to be free, you are not the leader. That honor belongs to one man -- a beacon, an icon. He is no longer with us. You know who I mean.

George Orwell, author of 1984 and Animal Farm, indefatigable fighter of official censorship, came to an astonishing conclusion. The most serious censor is not official, governmental. He wrote:

“Obviously it is not desirable that a government department should have any power of censorship (except security censorship, which no one objects to in war time) over books which are not officially sponsored. But the chief danger to freedom of thought and speech at this moment is not the direct interference of…any official body. If publishers and editors exert themselves to keep certain topics out of print, it is not because they are frightened of prosecution but because they are frightened of public opinion. In this country intellectual cowardice is the worst enemy a writer or journalist has to face, and that fact does not seem to me to have had the discussion it deserves [my emphasis]…

The sinister fact about literary censorship in England is that it is largely voluntary. Unpopular ideas can be silenced, and inconvenient facts kept dark, without the need for any official ban. Anyone who has lived long in a foreign country will know of instances of sensational items of news - things which on their own merits would get the big headlines - being kept right out of the British press, not because the Government intervened but because of a general tacit agreement that 'it wouldn't do' to mention that particular fact. So far as the daily newspapers go, this is easy to understand. The British press is extremely centralized, and most of it is owned by wealthy men who have every motive to be dishonest on certain important topics. But the same kind of veiled censorship also operates in books and periodicals, as well as in plays, films and radio. At any given moment there is an orthodoxy, a body of ideas which it is assumed that all right-thinking people will accept without question. It is not exactly forbidden to say this, that or the other, but it is 'not done' to say it, just as in mid-Victorian times it was 'not done' to mention trousers in the presence of a lady. Anyone who challenges the prevailing orthodoxy finds himself silenced with surprising effectiveness. A genuinely unfashionable opinion is almost never given a fair hearing, either in the popular press or in the highbrow periodicals.”

Out of 124 indicators of freedom of the press, Freedom House offers only 6 of the veiled censorship Orwell warned about. The reason for this glaring inattention is simple: in Orwell`s words, the media are owned by wealthy men, i.e., the oligarchy. America today has an oligarchic political system with democratic decor, accessories (see post of 9-22-2011 "The Ultimate Taboo Question"). Now, by definition no oligarchy permits real and meaningful criticism of it; indeed, in the U.S. the oligarchy doesn`t even allow one to say that America has an oligarchic political system. Freedom House is no more free to criticize the oligarchy than is anybody else, perhaps even less. 150 staffers working in high rent districts: better look once more at who is paying their bills.

One of Freedom House´s questions for evaluating freedom of the press obliquely touches on Orwell´s concern: “B1. To what extent are media outlets’ news and information content determined by the government or a particular partisan interest?” [My emphasis] I am sure some Freedom House staffer will jump up and down, contending that the underlined wording "covers" the problem of unofficial censorship. To which we respond: Why, then, don´t you just spit it out? To wit: To what extent are media outlets´ news and information content determined by wealthy media owners? That is the question.

Freedom House busies itself with official censorship issues. It does not – because it cannot – look too deeply into unofficial ones. If it did, would Freedom House discover that the United States has one of the most censored presses in the world? That conclusion, as Orwell put it, wouldn`t do.

Libertinage for media oligarchs always parades as freedom of the press (see post of 2/12/2012 "One-Eyed Jacks Versus Rafael Correa"). In leaving latent the issue of media ownership, Freedom House makes manifest for whom it is working.But let`s look further into this matter:

Freedom House and media owners, you love to associate freedom of the press with democracy itself. Fine, since you asked for it, let`s do it:

In truth, the United States never had a democracy. It had a политей or polity, an oligarchy/democracy hybrid tending toward democracy and moderated by a large middle class (see post of 10-24-2011 "The Great American Illusion"). Look high and low, you will not find that 100% Aristotlean conclusion expressed anywhere but on this blog. You want a specific, concrete case of unofficial veiled censorship – there it is.

What it all comes down to:

As this blog has consistently maintained, democracy is a direction, not a place. You will never get to A north; no such place exists. You can only get more or less north. The same is true for democracy. Now, if there is no democracy per se anywhere, then there is no freedom of the press per se anywhere. If that is true, then Freedom House´s judgments of nations as “Free” and “Not Free” are as nonsensical as Freedom House´s self-designation as a “non-governmental organization."

* * *

Freedom House:

"Stand with us in opposition to ideas and forces that challenge the right of all people to be free.”

Freedom House, do you actually do what you claim? Support and advocate human rights?

Shortly after the 2000 election took place, I wrote an article about how George Bush may have stolen the election in Florida. No newspaper in America, among them the Washington Post, New York Times and Los Angeles Times, would print it, even as a letter to the editor. The reason takes us directly to Orwell:

(i) The conclusion that the United States President might be a thief wouldn`t do.

(ii) The media are owned by the oligarchy; George Bush was their preference.

Given (i) and (ii), veiled censorship of the article was the only possible outcome .

With minor changes, here is the censored article. Freedom House, fearless foe of anti-freedom ideas and forces, let us see what you do with it.

12 years later, the question is still hanging in the air. There may be a way to answer it.

To my knowledge, the election scam I will present here has never been revealed. [i] Insider stuff.

First, three facts were known before the 2000 election took place:

(1) The closeness of the election. One election eve headline said it all:

"Race for White House Is Seen by the Polls As Closest in 40 years."[ii]

(2) The same article noted that George Bush

"remained behind in some polls in Florida, a populous state where his brother, Jeb, is governor."

(3) Florida held the key to the White House. A report published election morning noted that Al Gore

"had waged an all-night blitz in Florida, which he told supporters, 'may very well be the state that decides the outcome of this election.'"[iii]

Close election; Bush in trouble in Florida; Florida the key. Clearly, there was a motive to cheat. But was there opportunity?

Election night, the Florida vote count dribbled in. There was

"a double turnaround by television networks which, using computer projections, reported that Mr. Gore had won Florida before deciding that that was premature, and then gave the state and the presidency to Mr. Bush before deciding again that they had drawn a hasty conclusion." [iv]

What on earth (or elsewhere) was happening?

Forget the butterfly ballot; forget hanging chad. Or rather, do not forget them, but look past them. They may have been diversions.

Starting in 1974, I directed many candidates' get-out-the-vote drives on Election Day. I saw many strange things. Among them: dead people voting.

The usual explanation: somebody collects names in cemeteries and registers those names to vote. Live people then appear at the polls using the dead people's names.

Frankly, I doubt that scam occurs to a significant degree:

First, it is too risky. All it takes is one flabbergasted precinct worker confronted with a would-be voter posing as the worker's dearly departed husband and the whole scheme is torn to shreds.

Second, the cemetery ploy relies on the live person to be honest and vote the way he is told. Well, we know about his honesty. Once the curtain closes, who knows what happens? Simply put: buying a person is one thing; will he stay bought is another.

And third, there is another way for dead people to vote without either of the disadvantages just mentioned

I am not excluding the cemetery ploy -- just discounting it. How, then, do dead people vote?

Here is the scam I mentioned. So far, it has been 100% safe; otherwise, you would know about it and would not be reading these words. 100% reliable, too.

Being unmentionable, the scam has no name. I will call it "The Long Count" in honor of the 1927 heavyweight championship fight between Jack Dempsey and Gene Tunney.

Alone at last, the officials change hats. An uncivic duty begins. They open voter rosters along with a bottle or two (optional). Forget upstream brew -- this is a Gatorade and bourbon crowd.

The roster is the document with names of registered voters that you sign immediately before you vote.

The night crew no longer cares about voters. Their attention is fixed on non-voters -- the names with no signatures.

Roster in hand, Crew Member 1 signs the name of a person who did not vote. He signals to Crew Member 2 standing in a voting machine. Crew Member 2 pushes the button for straight Democrat, straight Republican, George Bush, Al Gore -- whatever. More sophisticated election night crews pass the rosters around; otherwise, the similarity of signatures might attract attention.

Of course, when Crew Member 1 sees a blank space beside a name on a roster, he does not know if the person is alive. When he signs a name, guess what can happen?

Now you know how dead people vote. Lots of them. In the "right" way, too -- always.

Dead people who vote are Democrats and Republicans, men and women, old and young. The Long Count is an equal opportunity employer.

The signing of rosters and button pushing takes time. That is why delayed reporting of election returns is the telltale heart of The Long Count.

How many votes are enough? In Florida 2000, Bush's margin was less than 600 votes. That question brings us to the second cause of The Long Count:

The final vote total is the topic of a fast and furious communications. The election crew boss passes the word up the line: we want this...we want that... He has every reason to drag out the talks, unlike the candidate. This leads to interesting -- if not always civil -- dialogue.

Theoretically, The Long Count is possible anywhere. However, the county clerk must be in on it, or at least be willing to look the other way. I know, I know: you think the clerk would not let candidates of his or her own party crash and burn. I hate to tell you, but I have known public officials who would sell out for a baked potato at the palace.

The Long Count leaves traces. They are so obvious they are overlooked.

To find them, go hunting where the ducks are.

Start with precincts in isolated, rural areas. Those are the easiest ones to control physically. In Florida that means the northern counties. Two facts about them: (i) Most of them voted for Bush in 2000. (ii) I spent six years there.

The traces:

(1) Precincts with unusually high turnouts. Look not only at 2000, but also prior elections. Either those precincts are full of good citizens or they are full of something else.

(2) Among the group of precincts with abnormally high turnouts, look for precincts with abnormally high percentages for Bush. If Republican candidates usually get 70% of the vote in a precinct but Bush got 90%, a red flag should go up.

(3) The clincher: dead people voted.

When all 3 traces are present, something was -- as we say in the political trade -- "wired up."Put The Long Count at the top of the list. A handwriting expert should be called in to examine signatures in any dubious precinct roster.

I must emphasize that even if the Bushes used The Long Count, that fact does preclude the possibility that Democrats, too, exercised it. Look at both sides, and not just in Florida.

The three-point Florida study outlined above would make an excellent political science master's thesis. And it might solve once and for all the mystery of did-he-or-didn't-he.

_______________

[i]A similar process took place in the 1988 presidential election in Mexico. The defrauded candidate, Cuauhtémoc Cárdenas, and three researchers, José Barberán, Adriana Lopez Monjardín, and Jorge Zavala wrote an outstanding study, Radiografía del fraude (Editorial Nuestro Tiempo, Mexico, 1988). I interviewed three of the authors, including Cárdenas. When I informed him I was looking all over town for a copy of Radiografia, he laughed -- “and you couldn’t find it anywhere.” He called the publisher who set aside a copy.

José Barberán noted in a letter in 1989 that the truth “will eventually come out.” It did; today, nobody disputes that the PRI party stole the election. Given the present state of American scholarship and journalism, Bush need not fear the same outcome.

[iv]Florida has a history of prolonged ballot counts; hence the title of the article by John Vanocur, "Election may Seem Unusual, but in Some Ways It's Déjà vu All Over Again," International Herald Tribune, November 9, 2000.

I should note that I am an accredited expert witness on politics in federal court. If I were testifying in a lawsuit, I would say what you just read. I would also prepare the pertinent statistical exhibits.

(1) An outstanding lobbyist. He was an astute lawyer and former senator, knew the legislature backwards and forwards, was greatly respected by all law-makers, and was a recognized expert on the bill´s subject: liquor laws.

(2) A professional and perfectionist, the lobbyist had done a superb job. Nearly all of the Democrats, who were in the majority in the House of Representatives, cosponsored the bill, which meant there were enough signatures to pass it outright. My boss, the Majority Floor Leader, was among them. Ballgame over.

(3) The bill did not create a major change. It merely put into law a practice that had been in effect for 30 years.

(4) The bill was a special interest measure, but of very small consequence overall. The benefactor was a strong family man, a community leader and a fervent Catholic who practiced what others preach. He was also a fire-breathing Democrat who at the drop of a hat who would serve as finance chairman of any Democrat´s campaign. If he liked you he would throw a dinner and raise 20-30 K; presto, for a House campaign your money problems were solved.

Yet, the bill crashed and burned?

The lobbyist and his client committed the biggest mistake possible: the bill´s primary sponsor was, to put it diplomatically, a jerk.

The following case study is intended to show the complex relationships among lobbyists, their clients and legislative leaders. Contrary to everything you have seen, read or heard, no street among them is entirely one-way.

Before proceeding, I had better explain something…

When is a day not 24 hours?

Answer: when it is a “legislative day.” Many if not most state legislatures work by legislative days, which may or may not correspond to calendar days. To be sure, for the first and the last day of a legislative session, calendar days and legislative days coincide. In the meantime, a legislative day is determined not by the sun or stars, but by the leadership moving to “roll the clock.” When that happens, a new legislative day begins. Rolling the clock is routine and can happen any minute.

You ask, what´s the deal? Why not just have calendar days and be done with it?

I suspect the origin of legislative days has to do with the troublesome relationship between law-makers and the law; after all, if they have the power to make laws, they must somehow be outside them – that is to say, above them. To prove it, first, many law-makers feel a compulsion to break the law, which is happening right now someplace. Second, to show they control laws, they place themselves in charge of time itself; they have the power to say when days end and begin. Third and finally, the phenomenon of the legislative day allows for certain “flexibility.” What that means in practical terms remains to be seen…

* * *

My boss, the House Majority Floor leader, was fit to be tied, which means his remarks were unfit for publication here.

“Snowflake has done it again! Tied up my bill in House Judiciary Committee! This is absolutely the last straw!”

In legislatures a flake is the lowest of the low, something akin to child molesters in prison. You can be a flaming liberal or a diehard conservative; nobody cares. You cannot, however, be a flake. Flakes are used and abused, to be thrown out with the rest of the trash.

Snowflake was surely one of the biggest flakes in history. A freshman legislator in his second year, he would wait in committees for tie votes and then abstain. The law-makers were then “invited” to his office to iron things out. Sometimes when they returned, one person had changed his vote to allow for passage/failure – whereupon Snowflake would vote the opposite way, thus creating another tie. Again, the law-makers were invited to his office... At other times he would vote with the majority, which made the majority happy and the minority disgruntled. An hour or two later, he would move to reconsider the vote, making the majority furious and the minority confused. He never laughed or smiled; never said hello.

End product: a congenital cold fish.

Everybody hated Snowflake, including the telephone operators and doormen. One morning I overheard two infamous Monkey Girls (see post 3-28-2012, “Lobbyists (1): Tips, Tricks, Traps”) discussing Snowflake. One of them sighed, “It´s like being kissed by a snail.”

As for the “Snow”: the allusion was to his facial complexion which was a whiter white. I don´t know how he did it but he was a perfect candidate for a Tide commercial or a part in “Night of The Living Dead.”

Snowflake hated me from day-one. I was the only other Ph.D. in the place; he could not pull rank. His was in mathematics. The leadership speculated that Snowflake was engaging in some sort of advanced, complex mathematical strategy, e.g., he was collecting IOUs from legislators for a future run for governor. In grad school I took a political coalition seminar centered on William Riker´s Theory of Political Coalitions. The book’s advanced calculus was beyond me; however I knew enough to know that no Master Strategy whatsoever was occurring in Snowflake´s case.

Why, then, was he such an obsessive obstructionist? Inquiring minds wanted to know. The leaders talked to him; as always, he said little or nothing.

Eventually, the conundrum was solved not in the legislature but a block away, at the local political watering hole. I happened to see Snowflake enter the premises and slightly duck so as to avoid banging his head on the top of the doorway. The event would have been unremarkable had the doorway not been some nine feet off the ground. There it was, hidden in plain view -- Snowflake´s mysterious inner essence: The Ego is Refreshed by Frequently Parading in Public.

The Majority Floor Leader stood with arms akimbo, gave me a scary look. “See if you can´t come up with a way to get rid of that creep. This is his last session!”

I had a new assignment.

* * *The following day something incredible happened:

Snowflake sponsored a bill of the floor of the House.

Flakes usually sponsor no legislation. To do so would show they want something. A flake by definition wants nothing -- at least nothing identifiable. His reasoning: to want something definable would define him, hence weaken him. And so, if you want something, he believes, that is your weakness. He wants others to guess, surmise, wonder, and above all, to talk.

In short, a flake is pure process, no reality. He is active inactivity incarnate.

This bill was Snowflake`s pet bill. That conclusion was obvious because the bill consisted of a convoluted mathematical formula. What it actually did: create a legal monopoly to sell beer at the State Fair for one man, Mr. Beer, the state distributor for a well-known brew. Nobody else would qualify -- the bill´s hieroglyphics and verbal gymnastics made sure of it. Mr. Beer had held the State Fair monopoly for 30 years, so nothing new would happen; the bill simply would put legal icing on the cake.

With little or no discussion, Snowflake´s bill had sailed through the House Government and Public Affairs Committee. All the Republicans voted against it; they hated Mr. Beer almost as much as Democrats loved him. But the GOPs were in the minority so their objections were instantly overruled.

I looked at the calendar for that day’s floor action. Snowflake´s bill was coming up for a vote in an hour. Given the Democrats´ unflinching support, the bill would pass by a comfortable margin; there would be a round of applause and backslapping -- the customary rite of passage when a freshman legislator gets his first bill through the House. The rest would be history: the bill would sail through the senate and go to the governor for his signature.

Holding the calendar in my hand, I noticed something. I turned to the Floor Leader: “Confirm something. We are 3 legislative days behind calendar days.”

“What of it?” he asked/answered.

“I see a Movida.”

We hashed out a plan…

First stop: the Democrat Whip next door. The Whip is well named; he rounds up his party members for floor votes.

“Make sure 10 members wander off the floor when Snowflake presents his bill.” The Whip made us repeat the order; it was diametrically opposed to everything he had seen or done.

Second stop: the Minority Floor Leader's office. That´s right -- the Republicans.

Their Leader looked up, astonished. “What´s up?”

I pointed to Snowflake´s bill. “Can you make sure all your members are present this morning?”

“We are hoping you will all be there and vote against Snowflake´s bill,” I explained.

The Minority Floor leader sensed a trap. “What if we vote against it?” he asked: “You guys have the votes to beat us.”

“Don´t worry,” I responded. “That won´t happen. It´s wired up.”

The two Republican leaders looked me up and down in disbelief. The Floor Leader laughed: “Snowflake and Mr. Beer go down together. It´s rare to get two for the price of one.”

A few minutes later, at 10:00, the floor session started. The roll call showed all House members were present.

Snowflake´s bill was first on the agenda. Freshmen legislators often present 2 bills in succession; the strategy is to let the first bill get debated, trashed, knocked out. Thereafter the legislators pause, feel guilty about so mercilessly beating up their poor little colleague´s bill, hence they pass -- often unanimously -- his second bill. The second bill is of course the “real” bill. In this manner all sorts of trash is passed which normally wouldn´t get to first base. Snowflake had no phony “lead” bill to sacrifice, which meant he and his lobbyist were absolutely, positively, definitely sure of passage of Mr. Beer´s bill.

Snowflake, as usual, didn`t have much to say. Bored, boring, he mumbled and rambled from a text the lobbyist has prepared. The Republicans then took the floor and fervently denounced the bill as a monopolistic measure detrimental to other beer companies in particular* and to capitalism in general. In the meantime, Democrats quietly slipped out the back floor.

To be a legislative leader, you must know how to count. I watched the electronic vote tally board light up for the vote. The Whip had not done his job brilliantly. Because of the absent Democrats, the “Nays” barely outnumbered the “Ayes.”

The Floor Leader and I watched anxiously one light in particular: Snowflake`s. It was on “Aye” until the last two seconds, when it switched to “Nay.” His bill failed by 3 votes.

Why on earth -- you are no doubt wondering -- would Snowflake vote against his own bill?

After a saccharin memorial honoring somebody´s hometown basketball team loaded with prospering B squaders, the Floor Leader moved to roll the clock twice. Presto: two legislative days flew by in a few seconds.

We shook hands. The trap was set.

In that afternoon´s floor session, all house members were present. I watched Snowflake obsessively count off the Democrats, then grab his microphone and demand to be recognized.

“Mr. Speaker,” he intoned, “having voted with the majority, I now move that the vote by which House Bill (number) failed to pass this House now be reconsidered.”

“Gentleman from (Snowflake´s county), you are out of order,” the Speaker said.

“Mr. Speaker, what…what do you mean, `Out of order`? I voted with the majority! That gives me the right to move to reconsider the vote by – “

“Motions to reconsider must be made the same or the following day, Gentleman from (Snowflake´s county),” the Speaker explained.

Snowflake was stupefied. “This is the same day, Mr. Speaker! The vote in question took place this morning! Four hours ago! I was right here! In fact, I was the one who --”

The Speaker´s patience evaporated. “´Day´ in this case is legislative day, not calendar day.”

I watched in bemused horror as Snowflake stood there with ass in hand. Finally, his facial complexion changed -- to caboose red. I say horror because if he had a machinegun he would have mowed down everybody in the place, visitors and press included.* * *Epilogue

A few beads were left to string.

I went to see Mr. Beer.

I knew him well from past campaigns. I would go to his office and gave him the latest, top secret poll results to which, as Finance chief, he was fully entitled. At the appropriate moment, I would look at the floor.

“We´re running low on beer at the headquarters. I was wondering if -- ”

At this point Mr. Beer would invariably cut me off. A prepared speech appeared. “Tom, I´m a wholesaler. I can´t sell beer to private individuals. It´s illegal. The reason is I could easily undercut every retailer out there, put them out of business. However, I can give you all the free beer you want.”

“How about 5 cases?”

“Fine, Tom. I´ll have my men put them in your car.” Off I went.

I always dreaded going to his office, not because of Mr. Beer who was always a pleasure to talk with, but because of the neighborhood where his beer distributorship was located. Until you got inside the front gate, you were taking your life in your hands.

For this particular meeting, I had called ahead. I knew we were in for a serious session when I noticed all the window blinds were shut.

I apologized profusely for the untimely death of his bill. I told him his lobbyist had done an excellent job and had nothing to do with the defeat. However, the simple fact of the matter was that because Snowflake was the primary sponsor, the bill was in trouble. I described in great detail how Snowflake was a chronic, neurotic nuisance.

Mr. Beer nodded knowingly, sighed. “Tom, you are confirming what everybody else has been saying. The guy can´t hack it. I let him sponsor the bill because he married one of my in-laws. That´s the only connection.”

I told Mr. Beer that the Majority Floor Leader had talked with the governor. The State Fair was run by a commission of 5 people appointed by the governor for staggered 6-year terms. The commission was already stacked with Mr. Beer´s men. The governor promised to renew their appointments. Thus, Mr. Beer´s de facto monopoly was safe for many years to come. In the end, the only thing Mr. Beer lost was legal, formal approval.

“I can live with that,” he said. I mentioned the possibility of introducing the same bill in the senate. He shook his head: “No need for that now.”

Which meant there was no longer any need for Snowflake. A week later Mr. Beer turned up the heat; Snowflake melted, declined to run for re-election. I later heard he divorced Mr. Beer´s in-law, left town, disappeared.

I can´t help but wonder what happened to Snowflake. I don´t think he ever appeared in a Tide commercial or horror movie. Sometimes I picture him in a fish canning factory in Alaska, working alongside a book editor who turned down Harry Potter.

Sitting in Mr. Beer´s dim office decorated with a few dusty sports team trophies and off-center Chamber of Commerce plaques, it was hard to believe he was one of the wealthiest men in the state. By the same token, it was easy to believe he had other priorities than impressing people or selling beer.

Mr. Beer showed me to the door, saying he would call the lobbyist and tell him everything was all right. He even acknowledged that the fault was his own, that the lobbyist had questioned Mr. Beer´s choice of primary sponsors, but Mr. Beer had insisted. I reiterated that the lobbyist was the best man for the job, that he was a walking encyclopedia of liquor laws from Alabama to Zimbabwe, and that legislators could always count on him for fast, reliable information.

Mr. Beer shook his head. “Damn. I knew all along…Flake...You should see the guy at family reunions. At least, that´s what they used to be.”

I wasn´t sure Mr. Beer was truly satisfied with the outcome until he opened the door.

“Tom, do you need any beer?”Post epilogue

It is there, somewhere, in an official House of Representatives Journal.

We have all heard the rule that nobody is perfect. We also have heard that there is an exception to every rule.

When Snowflake voted against his own bill, he flaked out on everybody -- including himself.

100%. Perfect.

_______________

*No beer distributor ever stepped up to the microphone and complained about Mr. Beer´s State Fair monopoly. I suspect a secret quid pro quo was in place: Mr. Beer got the State Fair in exchange for…

NOTE: as always, in order to perplex and confound the enemy, some details in the above account have been changed.