Love Bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things,ENDURES ALL Things...

Murphy's Law...

I never had a slice of bread,Particularly large and wide,That did not fall upon the floor,And always on the buttered side.[1]

Thursday, January 26, 2017

The Remaking of Life

I've tried updating this blog several times now. I always have these great epiphanies when running and then I sit to type... and I don't want to type.

Sometimes it's because I know the thoughts aren't allowed. It's not always okay to say what's on our mind. I've struggled with that my entire life. Biting my tongue. In this instance, it's not so hard... except sometimes it is.

We are still trying to figure out how to navigate this... and by we, I mean me.

It seems so long ago and yet it doesn't all at once. Sometimes I'm still really angry. Like the time I was driving home from work. It was late. The roads were empty and my van was climbing this massive hill lined with southern trees and all I could think was: How the Hell did I end up here?! Oh, I know... you brought me here...

and then you left us here...

and then... you left us here.

And I get mad. I get mad because I'm surrounded by a culture that isn't mine and people I barely know, in a place that constantly seems foreign and the distance has created a distance in the friendships formed before we ended up here. And I think about that... And I get mad.

And then I park my car, walk into my home, and I see Dale talking quietly to Mitch about cars, or engineering, or furniture... and I think... How could I not be here. How was this not always our life. And the kids all laugh, or they don't listen, and they eat, or they forget to feed the dogs, and they do homework, or they don't. And we go on living. Like it never happened. Like everything is as it was.
As it should be.

And then I tuck them in. And sometimes they cry. And sometimes they don't. And I worry both times. Sometimes they talk about him. Sometimes they don't. And again, I worry both of those times.

I recently updated my facebook status saying: I'm not a single mother.

I am an only parent.

Even I can't wrap my head around the magnitude of that.

I'm torn between forgetting to remember... and forcing the remembering. I'm explaining that the Uniform that the Army brought to our house may smell like Daddy, but I promise you, he's still wearing the one we buried him in.

Now look at your 7 year old and say that.

How in the world do those words even manage to form. And how can his beautiful tiny little head make sense of that.

Now when I go to work, the night before, my Mickey begs me not to. BEGS.

I'm torn between a profession I love and Children I love more. At a time when they need me more than they ever will... coupled with a tragedy that I don't know how to normalize.

I've not buried a parent. How can I help them cope with burying theirs.

So we go to specialists and we make jokes and we laugh or we cry... or we get mad... or sometimes... sometimes we just exist... as if it never happened. full well knowing that it did... and questioning reality.

One thing is certain: Anne Roiphe was right...

"Grief is in two parts. The first is loss. The second is the remaking of life."

1 comment:

Sigh...so much love and grief, so much truth and seeking, so many times we ask the why and there is no answer...right away. Sometimes you get those answers down the road, sometimes not. It never goes away but it does get easier...eventually. I love you and your family. You are doing as well as any only parent I have ever known. Please know there is no right or wrong, only today, only the moment. God seems to provide the knowledge that you need at the time you need it whether it is the words or no words, hugs and quiet, or anger and space for it to pass. You know. God knows. Your children know. Peace today, tomorrow and always. Be kind to yourself as you are to your children. XO

I can't help but sometimes think about how it used to be. How they used to be. I can clearly remember moments in time where I typed u...

Followers

WELCOME TO HOLLANDbyEmily Perl Kingsley.

c1987 by Emily Perl Kingsley. All rights reserved

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this......When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland.""Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.

Save the Baby Humans! That way people will still be here to help the Seals!!