Then look no further. I am here to amuse you. And make your ears bleed.

You’ve heard Eye of the Tiger. Now listen to EYE OF THE AGENT!

Eye of The Agent
Risin’ up, back in the slush,
Took my crits and I revised.
Went to workshop, and I rewrote this mush
Just a hack and her will to survive.
So many times, it happened so fast,
An auto-reject from Bransford
Don’t lose your grip on your work in progress,
You must write just keep it alive
It’s the eye of the agent, it’s the thrill of the slush
Risin’ up to the challenge of the query,
And the last known survivor gets a partial request,
And he’s watchin’ us all in the eye of the agent.
Page to page, stuck in the inbox,
Hangin’ tough, keep on scribblin’
Full rejections with a scrap of feedback,
Help us kill, find the will to revise.
It’s the eye of the agent, it’s thrill of the slush,
Risin’ up to the challenge of the query,
And the last known survivor gets a partial request
And he’s watchin’ us all in the eye of the agent.
Risin’ up, straight to the pile,
Killed my gerunds and my adverbs.
Got some tension, now I’m not gonna stop,
Just hack and her will to survive
The eye of the agent…

Still Hungry?

Make like Elvis and grab a hunk o’ Molten Chocolate Lava Cake

Molten Chocolate Lava Cake

2 sticks butter

8 ounces semisweet chocolate chips, or cut up bars

5 large eggs

1/2 cup sugar

Pinch of salt

4 teaspoons flour

8 extra-large paper muffin cups (or use greased ramekins).

Melt butter and chocolate on very low heat; remove from heat. Beat eggs, sugar and salt with a hand mixer in a medium bowl until sugar dissolves. Beat egg mixture into chocolate until smooth. Combine with flour. Heat oven to 450 degrees. Line a standard-size muffin tin (1/2 cup capacity or use ramekins) with 8 extra-large muffin papers. Spray muffin papers with cooking spray. Divide batter among muffin cups. Bake until cakes puff but center is not set, 8 to 10 minutes. Pull papers away from cakes or lift out cakes before serving.

This agreement made this 12th day of Never, in the 50th year of Our Lord Gaiman, by and between the peruser of the written article (henceforth referred to as THE READER) and the architect of the written article (henceforth referred to as THE WRITER).

WITNESSETH: That in consideration of mutual covenants and agreements to be kept and performed on the part of said parties, hereto, respectively as herein stated:

I. Said party of the first part (THE READER) covenants and agrees that it shall:

a. purchase, borrow, or otherwise legally obtain the written article in a manner demonstrating good faith in the power of a good story.

b. engage in the cerebral and/or emotional pursuit of the written article until such time as the written article ceases to engage THE READER.

c. discard the written article if such article contains more than an average of five metaphorical devices, cliches, and/or adverbs per page. In such case, THE READER vows to heap abuse on THE WRITER via Amazon and/or Twitter.

d. refrain from expressing an opinion of the written article in the physical presence of THE WRITER if said article induces the sentiment herewith known as “MEH.”

e. make loud and vigorous proclamation regarding the competency of THE WRITER, should the written article prove to be a string of wondrous, efficient, and/or fearsome words.

II. And Said Party of the Second Part (THE WRITER) covenants and agrees that it shall:

a. with reasonable liberality, endorse the purchase, lending, or otherwise legal means of acquisition of the written article by THE READER.

b. imbue the written article with such engaging features as non-preposterous characters and an actual plot. Additionally, THE WRITER agrees to saturate said article with satisfactory tension and non-loathsome sentences.

c. set fire to any pre-published, embryonic musings containing more than an average of five metaphorical devices, cliches, and/or adverbs per page. Should THE WRITER allow such musings to be published, THE WRITER agrees to accept THE READER’S abuse via Amazon and/or Twitter.

d. refrain from impuning THE READER for expressing a non-spectacular or otherwise uncomplimentary review published mechanically or distributed in the digital ether. Subclause: Should THE READER articulate a sentiment worse than “MEH” regarding said written article in the physical presence of THE WRITER, THE WRITER reserves the right to bludgeon THE READERad mortem with said article, with impunity.

e. reward the loud and vigorous praise of THE READER by continuing to create strings of wondrous, efficient, and/or fearsome words.

THIS AGREEMENT SHALL BE BINDING UPON THE PARTIES, INCLUDING THEIR SUCCESSORS, ASSIGNS, AND PERSONAL REPRESENTATIVES. THIS AGREEMENT SHALL BE ENFORCED UNDER THE LAWS OF THE STATE OF EX LIBRIS.

Combine all ingredients except chocolate chips until smooth and well blended. Stir in chocolate chips. Drop rounded teaspoonfuls on cookie sheet. Bake one dozen at a time for 10 minutes at 350 degrees. Cool and serve.

Remember when Cameron and Ferris skitter downtown in the middle of an Oktoberfest Parade?

“Ladies and gentlemen, you are such a wonderful crowd, we’d like to play a little tune for you. It’s one of my personal favorites and I’d like to dedicate it to a young man who doesn’t think he’s seen anything good today – Cameron Frye, this one’s for you. ”

@MichaelBourret, this one’s for you:

Dear Agent,

Have you ever been injured during a barn raising? Imagine the pain of a 300 hundred pound handcarved loadbearing truss falling on your pelvis. You’ll experience these gut wrenching emotions when you read my 278,00 epic Amish techno-thriller, A CONFEDERACY OF BUTTONS.

Named after a verboten technology, Samuel Buttons struggles amidst a sea of disapproval to overcome his father’s obsession with apparel fasteners. Does his bearded nemesis, Werner Wunderhosen, want him dead? Or does Werner harbor more sinister desires? Samuel must save his betrothed, Rosebud, from Wunderhosen’s zipperless clutches.

In the end, Buttons must also accept his destiny. He must face down the cotton smocked rabble at the Wunderhosen’s barn raising. With Rosebud at his side, Samuel forces Werner’s hand by revealing his secret machine, a steampunk miracle which pintucks seams where no Button has gone before.

Werner attacks, setting the barn ablaze while Rosebud is inside. Buttons rescues his auburned tressed paramour just before a karmic earthquake shakes a treacherous truss loose. Wunderhosen’s pants are pinned; he cannot escape. The word “Rosebud” passes over his dying lips.

Dear sir or madam, although I know you must recognize A CONFEDERACY OF BUTTONS as Pulitzer material, I’ve taken precautions to ensure my manuscript is safe from plagiaristic subterfuge. I am sending each chapter of my opus separately via registered mail. The pages are encrypted, of course. A courier will arrive with your decoder ring at 3 p.m. tomorrow. I will entertain offers for representation only until the Ides of March.

Danke Schön,

Scarlet Whisper

How do you like them Buttons?

Hungry for more?

Go order takeout Weinerschitznel, I’m all out of pankuchen recipes today.