Way back in my much-younger, dating years, I received a rather strange lecture. I had accepted a date with a nice enough young man, who invited me to dinner at his house. My thought: “How nice, he will cook for me.” His? “I’m getting laid.” Mind you, he never in any way acted aggressively toward me. Since it was instantly clear that our agendas didn’t match, he made no attempt to physically push my boundaries.
He did, however, surprise me with what he said: “I don’t understand why you didn’t assume that if I asked you to dinner at my place, you wouldn’t accept the invitation unless you were interested in a sexual involvement.” He was flat-out confused that I had not jumped to that conclusion the minute the invitation was issued.
Now let’s view a similar (but nonsexual) situation, through a similar lens. Suppose you promised your best friend a ride to a football game, and they just assumed that included a hamburger and drinks after. You would hopefully not feel guilty saying No, even though this friend might say you were obligated. That thing you initially promised—that is all anyone had a right to assume.
Now suppose you or someone you know simply changes their mind at the last minute. Should they be expected to follow through with a bad idea? It is fine to change your mind, whether sex is involved or it is as simple as not wanting to spend so much time with this person. Please feel free to say No whenever the situation warrants. When it is sexual, however, there is a whole new dimension to deal with
Suddenly you have to consider all kinds of peripheral factors: Is this person dangerous? Are you risking injury when you change your mind? Or are you dealing with a true gentleman, or lady, who will respect your wishes? Changing your mind, even at the last possible minute, should not be dangerous. But this is the world many women live in, where they have to weigh potential consequences, even in situations that initially appeared innocuous.
Wouldn’t it be a wonderful world if no one was interested in a sexual relationship that wasn’t truly desired by both partners, if the immediate response to sensing hesitation was “It looks like you are having doubts. I don’t want this if you don’t, so please take some time to think it over first.” And then maybe propose a game of cards, or Jinga.
This whole issue is way too complex to cover in a short blog such as this one. But there are a few things I would hope people consider: 1) “No” is a complete sentence. If you care about someone as a human being, you will respect that. 2) It is wise to be mindful of your surroundings, to try to avoid situations that leave you feeling cornered. That does not make it your fault if someone takes unfair advantage, but it is certainly easier on anyone to not have to navigate dangerous situations. 3) How are we raising our children? Hopefully we teach them mutual respect as opposed to entitlement. Our children need to learn early on to honor the boundaries of others, and to expect their own boundaries to be honored as well.
The #MeToo movement started with some real horror stories, and some abuses are blatant. But it is important to realize that the spectrum is very nuanced. There is a lot to navigate, and no one should be criticized for being victimized. That is simply not fair.