What's A Nice Cosmo Girl Like You Doing With An Orthodox Husband?

Once upon a time, she lived in Beverly Hills, wrote for Teen Magazine and had a personal trainer.

Seven years ago, had I encountered the woman I am today, I would have pitied her: long sleeves and an ankle-length skirt in the middle of summer; no driving, writing, talking on the phone or cooking from sundown Friday until sundown Saturday; recently married to a man she'd never touched -- not so much as a peck on the cheek -- until after the wedding. I'd have cringed and dismissed this woman as a Repressed Religious Nut. Now my pity -- or at least a patient smile -- is for that self-certain Southern California girl I was at 25.

I grew up in Tucson, the older of two daughters, in a typically upper-middle-class, well-educated, liberal Jewish family. My dad is a physician, my mother active in the local Jewish community. My religious and ethnic identification consisted of fund-raising for Jewish causes, Israeli dancing and Sunday brunch: bagels and lox.

As a gawky 13-year-old, I had a bat mitzvah, along with the obligatory party at a posh country club. If God was there, I didn't notice. The most religious person I knew was my high school English teacher, a Southern Baptist for whom I wrote polemical essays questioning all religious beliefs. Through my research and experience (which consisted mostly of listening to Bob Dylan and Pink Floyd, skimming the "Marx-Engels Reader" and having deep, earnest discussions with friends), I concluded that religion was, at best, irrelevant in an enlightened, late 20th century world. At 16, I joined the group American Atheists.

But, generally, I did what teenagers do. I spent the scorching Arizona summers watching soap operas and lying by the pool at my friend Annie's house, comparing tan lines. We crossed the border into Mexico to buy tequila, sneaked into dance clubs with fake IDs, philosophized about life and boys, felt immortal.

I continued my liberal pursuits in college in Philadelphia, and after graduation, I drove my Honda with its "I'm Pro-Choice -- And I Vote!" bumper sticker to California. I took advantage of all Los Angeles had to offer: I ate sushi and gelati, played beach volleyball, studied Kabbalah, and once went to a "Nam-myoho-renge-kyo" chanting session, where a skinny woman with bleached blond hair swore that the incantation had secured her her latest role, as Victim in a new slasher film.

One woman swore that an incantation had secured for her her latest role, as Victim in a new slasher film.

At the time, I was living in a Beverly Hills basement with a gay friend, working for the National Organization for Women, helping organize pro-choice rallies. I also did stints as aerobics instructor, waitress, cashier, SAT tutor. Finally, I entered USC as a graduate student in journalism. In the next few years I wrote for the Los Angeles Times about miniskirts, paisley and the plight of L.A.'s lovelorn. Then I worked for Teen magazine, penning endless variations of "how to get/dump your guy" stories and answering hapless teenage girls' letters in teen's "Dear Juli" column. While I loved my spacious office with its view of the city, I also found the job mind-numbing and depressing. How many ways, I wondered, could I teach a girl to flirt?

MAKING IT

I moved to a "Beverly Hills-adjacent" apartment, complete with ceiling fans and high arches. There I was -- 25 years, finally having achieved what should "do it": a promising career, friends, things. Yet I felt as though something was profoundly lacking -- as if I were a Ferrari engine stuffed into a VW Bug.

Though I was at times excited, even ecstatic, I rarely remember being content or truly joyful. Though I believed in spirituality, religion was the "opiate of the masses," a crutch for emotional and intellectual weaklings and conservative Republicans. I favored Tarot card and palm readers and a particular psychic who told me I was Napoleon in a past life.

Then one night, a friend and I dropped in on an Orthodox Jewish gathering near my apartment -- not so much to find enlightenment as to meet guys. I don't recall what, exactly, but something the rabbi said resonated. I decided to take a class. I certainly had no intention of becoming -- ick! -- religious. I just wanted to learn more about Judaism's philosophy and mysticism. As for those archaic laws? How dare anyone tell me I'm restricted from certain activities because I'm a woman or that I have to dress a certain way to protect my dignity.

I've decided that it may be easier to be passionate about the wrong things than the right ones.

I'm a passionate person. During the past seven years, however, I've decided that it may be easier to be passionate about the wrong things than the right ones. I thought I was open-minded, thoughtful, yet I really just believed what every other liberal, educated, cultured person I knew believed. I was tolerant of everything except "intolerance." My only absolute was that there are no absolutes.

Yet, as much as I fought and rebelled, I was drawn to the Orthodox world. I recognized something profound there -- the values, the consciousness, the sensitivity to others. I examined my worldview and myself in a different way. I began to see that in a society in which individuality, self-determination and freedom of choice are the highest values, I had, in fact, been limited by pressures I didn't even recognize. I had been conforming to what's considered "normal," its definition changing every few years. Now, for the first time, I understood what I had always felt, that I had an essence, a soul. I glimpsed a higher meaning to life and the infinitely deep layers of existence leading to the Ultimate Existence: insight into which a 25-year-old -- even one with a personal trainer and her own advice column -- might not be privy.

To the shock of my family, which was half-sure I'd been sucked in by a cult, I quit my job, sublet my beautiful apartment and traveled to Israel to continue my studies. The Torah and its volumes of commentary address every aspect of the human condition. It proscribes, prescribes and describes in amazing depth and detail. And it infuses people with the bigness of character and soul I had always admired but rarely experienced.

THE "FEMALE" QUESTION

I spent many months grappling with the "female" question. So much of what I saw in the religious way of life seemed at odds with what I thought I knew. But at one point I had to ask myself: What have I been told by my schooling and my society, and what do I really see in the world? What is my experience? My answer: Men and women are significantly, dramatically different, emotionally and physically (and now, I realize, spiritually). Judaism addresses these differences. I looked -- really looked -- at the religious women around me. I had never met stronger, more emotionally and spiritually refined, capable, loving, non-neurotic women. Or more sensitive, respectful, devoted men. Or more happy, physically intact, cared-for children. I wanted that.

Everywhere, I see people driven by external achievement; I see the pain, the struggles, the Prozac nation.

Everywhere, I see people driven by external achievement; I see the pain, the struggles, the Prozac nation. Becoming observant does not make a weak person strong. It is not a quick fix for a lifetime of emotional damage. But the Torah's guidelines provide the boundaries and tools for inner healing and transformation. Now, being "religious" frames everything I do, say and strive for. I knew that the man I would marry and I must share the same priorities and values.

My husband and I met in New York, through a mutual teacher who knew us well. I'd spent plenty of time engaged in the rites of Los Angeles-style dating. This was a whole different ritual. In venturing into this shiddich -- which, loosely translated, means "date" -- we had agreed to an express purpose. We were to decide if we were a match -- and with far less dillydallying than in most modern courtships.

Aaron and I spent hours together eating Chinese food, playing miniature golf and pinball, ice-skating, boating in Central Park. I came to respect his integrity, his strength and his constant striving to do and be better. (And he's cute!) Four months after we met, we began a 10-week engagement. (My mother, who had spent a year planning my sister's nuptials, was aghast.) We never touched, but got to know each other, unclouded by the bond of physical intimacy, which so often super-glues the wrong people together.

NEW LIFE GOAL

People look at Orthodox women as repressed. But I often think about a truer definition of repression. When I see women in skimpy clothing, intimately involved with men they barely know, I think: "Wake up, girlfriend! You think men are seeing your soul? Thinking about your needs? About who you are? Your body has become your self." The real feminine mystique consists of a woman's private side, the richness of her inner world.

I had been living the Cosmo fantasy. Now I feel as if I've awakened from a long, sweaty dream. Once I aspired to make it as a writer, and perhaps get married and have a kid or two along the way. Today, although I still work as a freelance writer, it is not my identity. I live in a religious community outside Manhattan, full of the type of people I used to look at with pity, even contempt. My goal is to become like these women: sensitive, strong, fantastic wives and mothers -- not, as I once thought, because they had been subjugated for centuries and didn't know better or because they were lacking self-esteem, but because they recognize that the most important thing a person can do is to develop character by giving, building and supporting another.

A Jewish wedding revolves around making the bride and groom happy. After the ceremony, but before the dancing -- what exuberant, unabashed dancing! -- Aaron and I went to a separate room to spend a few private moments. There, he held my hand for the first time. That small gesture had a richness and intimacy I could never have imagined.

"This article originally appeared in the Los Angeles Times Magazine, June 11, 2000."

This article is featured in Aish.com's book:Heaven on Earth. Buy it now!

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 40

(40)
melissa,
June 19, 2014 1:55 PM

Passion

you ask: as it easier to be passionate about the 'wrong' things than the 'right' ones? such an interesting question!! i think not, as passion is passion. The difference is peer pressure ... and also, really the choice element is crucial: you will be a great light unto the nations now that your important choice has been made. A bracha to you!!

(39)
rayla,
November 26, 2013 3:45 PM

Wow! Great article I was born religious and haven't tried the "outside" world so this sure makes me feel like I have it all!!

(38)
eva,
November 27, 2011 2:51 AM

a great article

What so many people unfortunately fail to see, is that the Jewish dress code for women is not degrading at all: On the contrary, it shows the ultimate respect for a woman as a PERSON of value, with a mind and intelligence. By not distracting one's attention to her physical attributes, it forces one to focus on HER as a worthwhile individual, rather than an object to gawk at.

(37)
joel,
August 9, 2011 4:15 AM

what an amzing column

the writer managed to convey in relatively few words all that has occurred in her journey from start to finish in an eloquent and succinct manner. To explain it all so well while being humorous really brought the message home in a memorable way. Thank You

(36)
Anonymous,
July 30, 2009 8:16 PM

its amazing how a person that went through such a life can say what she did completely openly. i realli admire you for having the strength to pull through.

(35)
Anonymous,
July 5, 2009 7:48 PM

wow that was an incredible article. It helped me more appreciate being a jewish, orthodox young lady. Articles like these help girls want to continue to be tsnius and be shomer negiah when their dating. I thank you, for openly sharing your life to others.

(34)
Ramanda Martin,
August 8, 2007 9:55 AM

Admire you!

This world is hard on women who long to follow GOD,and let their Husband be the head.How to you betray how strong it can make you as a women.

(33)
Anonymous,
August 3, 2007 11:01 AM

Congratulations Andrea, you grew up.

Congratulations Andrea for the insight you have achieved with age. While I think its true most young women (outside the community) do often view Orthodox women as repressed. I think with age comes the wisdom to understand what is truly important in life (being a good wife/husband; a good parent). What your article truly reveals is how unfulfilled and lost you were and what little direction you had in your life. That's the true gift of Torah.

(32)
Anonymous,
July 17, 2007 2:51 PM

You have glimpsed into my soul!

If I only had the courage to recount the harried tale of my life before Teshuvah, it would sound somewhat like yours! I am still so ashamed of my past behaviours, tenets, and friendships...I hope one day to TRULY forgive myself and rejoice in my derech, as it has brought me to H-shem. You are a brave and admirable woman! May you be blessed with only simchas!

(31)
Anonymous,
September 5, 2005 12:00 AM

You have helped me

Thank you for this beautyfully written article. To my surprise it helped me to understand what kind of a wife I am looking for, much more than any other marriage or dating advice I have read so far.

(30)
Anonymous,
September 1, 2005 12:00 AM

Thank you

Your article really resonated with me. I have been searching for something more in my life, which by many accounts is a good life - job, apartment, boyfriend...but something is missing and I have been slowly waking up to what it is. This article helps me understand why.

(29)
Anonymous,
August 9, 2005 12:00 AM

Very well written; I could relate immesely.

I really enjoyed your article. As a young 19 year old in L.A., I could relate to it "big time". Thanks! and keep up the good work.

(28)
Shaindy,
August 9, 2005 12:00 AM

Thank you

Thank you for helping me "re-appreciate" what I have! Very well written.

(27)
Carol Read,
August 8, 2005 12:00 AM

Beautiful!

What a beautiful summary of what I love most about Judaism. Thank you.

(26)
Anonymous,
August 8, 2005 12:00 AM

It ISN'T about not having a trainer!

My goodness! Its a euphamism for the materialistic world and their emphasis on the guf (body) and not the neshama (soul). Even Rambam wouldn't object to you having a personal trainer - since you are obligated to take care of yourself... look at the bigger picture, folks....

(25)
Barbara Klipa,
August 7, 2005 12:00 AM

Fabulous!!

What a succinct perfect description about the current state of our western society!! What a wonderful description of what true spirituality (Life!)is!!

(24)
Joyce Avimeleh,
August 7, 2005 12:00 AM

Very beautiful and articulate article about the bill of goods women have been sold about who they are and should be and what freedom is as opposed to reality i.e. Torah values.

(23)
Anonymous,
August 7, 2005 12:00 AM

why do you mention a personal trainer

Why did you mention having a personal trainer like you did?
A lot of religious women have trainers too.
You mention having a personal trainer like its something only for selfish materialistic people. I hope you did not mean that. I am a personal trainer who is observant. My Rabbi has always told me its a mitzvah to help people with their health. I am just wondering why you mentioned it and if you feel it is something that cannot mix with Orthodox Judaism. Too many frum women do not exercise like they should and think of working out as something secular.

(22)
Ann,
August 7, 2005 12:00 AM

I loved this story and I also identify with her. I live in the Western world and can say along with my ethnic group that it is about living in "2 worlds" indeed. The values are gone and it very unstable. As an American Indian I definitely share in your stories about a love for your rich history. I feel refreshes as I read your stories!

(21)
Annie,
August 7, 2005 12:00 AM

Yes, indeed

Yes indeed; I pity girls who delude themselves that they are liberated when they are simply making themselves cheap (see Friends, Sex in the City (ok, I have never watched the latter, but you know what I mean) and the ones you see in real life.

Of course, there have always been women who behaved in this way; look at the ones who, at the turn of the 18th/19th centuries wore little but a layer of transparent muslin (in a European winter!) and acted as one would expect someone who dressed this way to act ! But now, with ease of access to contraceptives, people can be promiscuous without the consequences that there used to be (I am always taken aback to hear how prevalent abortion used to be; in Victorian newsapers there are many advertisements for abortificaents, thinly disguised as medicine to restore female regularity-but everyone knew what that meant)and do it probably more openly than ever before. I have, however, studied history for many years, and there has always been that sort of thing going on.

In my opinion, promiscuity must lead to lack of self-respect; how can you like yourself for being so intimate with someone you have just met & probably have nothing else in common with ?

I hate to see a big, bare pregnant belly; it looks ugly & it should be for the woman's husband to look at & nobody else Frankly, I prefer not to be in the hairdresser and have a huge, naked,swollen belly in my face; it isn't decent or modest. How can women be so immodest as to let everyone-men included- see something so intimate ?

The Victorians had the right idea (pardon my sweeping generalisation); they knew the value of gift-wrapping ! Orthodox Jewish women also (I suspect) know this !!!

(20)
Anonymous,
December 12, 2004 12:00 AM

enjoy these stories and learning more about Judaism

(19)
Anonymous,
September 3, 2002 12:00 AM

~

Your article made me realize how materialistic I am and the people around me. I'm you typical upper class girl who gets everything handed to you, but your article really made me see that maybe I should go on with my studies and try to find my true self, thank you~

(18)
Barry Siegel,
November 29, 2001 12:00 AM

Excellent article

The coming in to awareness and the author's humbleness are rare qualities in this era of self-absorption and hedonism.

Her comment about having sexual intimacy too soon effecting the bonding of wrong people by clouding judgment has been my downfall. The author rendered much wisdom with the insights about physical intimacy when done at the wrong time in a relationship.

(17)
Eva Schultz,
June 29, 2001 12:00 AM

How inspiring!

I never was a "cosmo" girl but maybe for my era I was. It took me til I was a great-grandma to realize what you did at 25. How blessed your life and those of your family will be moving with HaShem.

(16)
,
December 31, 2000 12:00 AM

Great!

This is a wonderful article for all women to read! Much luck with your marrige!

(15)
ozren marton,
December 16, 2000 12:00 AM

This is it.

Big thanks for this wonderfull article.

(14)
Anonymous,
October 26, 2000 12:00 AM

Personal trainer?

I am married to a Rabbi doing Kiruv in Southern CA.
There's nothing wrong with having a personal trainer as long as she is a woman in a womens gym
After having 5 kids, doing step class till the day before I gave birth, kickboxing, and body-pump, I am about to start with a personal trainer.
At least I'm going to try.
Some of us need to work on getting out bodies back to shape than others

(13)
Anonymous,
September 12, 2000 12:00 AM

Your article was most enlightening. I enjoyed it. Thank you.

Your article certainly showed another side to the Jewish orthodox female, It softened my opinion and opened up the window, even a little.

(12)
Anonymous,
September 10, 2000 12:00 AM

A moving account of a spiritual journey.

I loved reading about Andrea's journey of self-discovery. I envy her wisdom, her strength in a world which pulls us in very opposite directions from the path she has chosen. Congratulations to Andrea on finding a life of contentment and joy.

(11)
Anonymous,
August 26, 2000 12:00 AM

Inspired to dig deeper into Judaism

I am not Jewish but the same things you mention as having attracted you also attract me. Thank you for sharing. I am drawn to continue my search and discover the joy of living the simplicity of Judaism.

(10)
,
August 24, 2000 12:00 AM

A beatutifuly congruent - and inspiring - article. Keep on writing!

(9)
,
August 23, 2000 12:00 AM

Beautifully expressed personal experiences

Your article is a wonderful example of the kind of soul touching and thought provoking articles Aish haTorah provides for a public hungry for Torah knowledge. It woke up many of my own personal memories having been raised as a Valley girl so many years ago, and now finding myself living in NY as well.
I hope the author will find the time to present us with more of her beautiful thoughts and experiences.

(8)
Anonymous,
August 22, 2000 12:00 AM

Congratulations

It is incredible, how in an couple of lines she was able to put orderly a lot of loose ideas that go into your head when you start relating to orthodoxy. Really it touched me, it made a difference. Please continue writing. Thanks.

(7)
Anonymous,
August 22, 2000 12:00 AM

One of the Most Beautiful Articles of the year!

Every Jewish woman (from any branch of Judaism) should read this article full of insight and truth. I wish to read more articles like this one.

(6)
Anonymous,
August 22, 2000 12:00 AM

Beautiful

Hoping to see more articles by this writer.

(5)
Anonymous,
August 22, 2000 12:00 AM

Wonderful article

Very well said. And I can definitely relate. I've become religious over the last 4 years and one thing that always struck me in the non-religious world was the way I was treated by men. I remember always feeling awkward by whistles or sleazy comments by men on the street, and how awful it would make me feel inside. Or the guy I dated in high school, who, after two months, said: You know, it's time we slept together. I couldn't believe my ears. I craved the attention of the opposite sex, I wanted to be loved more than anything, but every person I dated made me feel worse about myself. The relationships seemed to be "using" relationships, and I always felt so much pressure to measure up. Now I'm engaged to someone who's orthodox, and very serious about it. We don't touch at all. And I have the overwhelming feeling that this is the way it's supposed to be. It feels like an old-fashioned courtship. To have someone say I respect you too much to touch you before we get married. It's so incredibly wonderful. This is how I'd like to feel for the rest of my life. And this is how I'd like my children to feel. Thank you for your comments, and for writing what is in my heart.

(4)
Anonymous,
August 21, 2000 12:00 AM

I do believe in the fairytale romance

"Aaron and I went to a separate room to spend a few private moments. There, he held my hand for the first time"
What a beautiful ending to a beautiful story.( and i am male )...everything Andrea wrote i can relate to as i have become more observant and i have embarked on this amazing quest to learn more about the Torah (the instructions of life). I pray for the day when i meet my princess bride.

(3)
Sharon Spicka,
August 21, 2000 12:00 AM

It made me cry

I am so thankful for someone like this having a spiritual encounter that enabled them to see what is truly important in this life. There's hope for all our children. It made me cry.

(2)
Anonymous,
August 21, 2000 12:00 AM

It answers more questions than I even knew I had

The article was right on the mark

(1)
Leonard,
August 21, 2000 12:00 AM

Beautiful!!

Everything is basherte - the writing skills developed for Dear Juli columns in Teen Girl are coming around to even more meaningful subject matter. (More meaningful than Dear Juli? How could that be possible?!)

I've been striving to get more into spirituality. But it seems that every time I make some progress, I find myself slipping right back to where I started. I'm getting discouraged and feel like a failure. Can you help?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Spiritual slumps are a natural part of spiritual growth. There is a cycle that people go through when at times they feel closer to God and at times more distant. In the words of the Kabbalists, it is "two steps forward and one step back." So although you feel you are slipping, know that this is a natural process. The main thing is to look at your overall progress (over months or years) and be able to see how far you've come!

This is actually God's ingenious way of motivating us further. The sages compare this to teaching a baby how to walk. When the parent is holding on, the baby shrieks with delight and is under the illusion that he knows how to walk. Yet suddenly, when the parent lets go, the child panics, wobbles and may even fall.

At such times when we feel spiritually "down," that is often because God is letting go, giving us the great gift of independence. In some ways, these are the times when we can actually grow the most. For if we can move ourselves just a little bit forward, we truly acquire a level of sanctity that is ours forever.

Here is a practical tool to help pull you out of the doldrums. The Sefer HaChinuch speaks about a great principle in spiritual growth: "The external awakens the internal." This means that although we may not experience immediate feelings of closeness to God, eventually, by continuing to conduct ourselves in such a manner, this physical behavior will have an impact on our spiritual selves and will help us succeed. (A similar idea is discussed by psychologists who say: "Smile and you will feel happy.")

That is the power of Torah commandments. Even if we may not feel like giving charity or praying at this particular moment, by having a "mitzvah" obligation to do so, we are in a framework to become inspired. At that point we can infuse that act of charity or prayer with all the meaning and lift it can provide. But if we'd wait until being inspired, we might be waiting a very long time.

May the Almighty bless you with the clarity to see your progress, and may you do so with joy.

In 1940, a boatload 1,600 Jewish immigrants fleeing Hitler's ovens was denied entry into the port of Haifa; the British deported them to the island of Mauritius. At the time, the British had acceded to Arab demands and restricted Jewish immigration into Palestine. The urgent plight of European Jewry generated an "illegal" immigration movement, but the British were vigilant in denying entry. Some ships, such as the Struma, sunk and their hundreds of passengers killed.

If you seize too much, you are left with nothing. If you take less, you may retain it (Rosh Hashanah 4b).

Sometimes our appetites are insatiable; more accurately, we act as though they were insatiable. The Midrash states that a person may never be satisfied. "If he has one hundred, he wants two hundred. If he gets two hundred, he wants four hundred" (Koheles Rabbah 1:34). How often have we seen people whose insatiable desire for material wealth resulted in their losing everything, much like the gambler whose constant urge to win results in total loss.

People's bodies are finite, and their actual needs are limited. The endless pursuit for more wealth than they can use is nothing more than an elusive belief that they can live forever (Psalms 49:10).

The one part of us which is indeed infinite is our neshamah (soul), which, being of Divine origin, can crave and achieve infinity and eternity, and such craving is characteristic of spiritual growth.

How strange that we tend to give the body much more than it can possibly handle, and the neshamah so much less than it needs!