About Tepid Epics

tep·id:
adj
Lacking in emotional warmth or enthusiasm; halfhearted
ep·ic:
n
An extended narrative poem in elevated or dignified language, celebrating the feats of a legendary or traditional hero.
In this blog you'll find a collection of stories, anecdotes, and nonsense that may make you wonder why exactly you're here. Let me wonder with you.

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

This is (was) 2005. I still can't believe people tolerate shitty frozen food. Next time you're eating a frozen food product, really ASK yourself, "Is this a ham & cheese breakfast sandwhich enclosed in a flaky crust?" Moments later, you'll realize what you're eating tastes like 13 day old meatloaf mixed with freshly picked garbanzo and kidney beans. Oh - and its still frozen in the middle. Don't you think we're at the point where we don't consume "chicken tenders" that taste like luke-warm redwood bark? Finally, my new years resolution is to make sure all TV Dinner Makin mofos New Years Resolutions are to "Not make and/or distribute crappy frozen foods".

Do we even care what happens in these states? Honestly. These 2 regions should just join together. The following is a list of suggested names for the upcoming merger: Vershire, New Mont, Mont Hamp, Shampoo, Old Vertmon, New Schmelmont, Hampver, and finally, Dopplestonmontire. Think. When word got out about the states joining forces, our economy would get a guaranteed boost. Why? Because people don't even know that Vermont & New Hampshire exist right NOW. Citizens may believe we acquired land from Canada. That would not be a good thing.

Back with the original Boone Court Boys, I decided to 'write in a journal' as my new years resolution for 2006. I found this small gray 6"x4" 'assignment book' to write a few random thoughts in. I titled this book The Black Liquid Mistakes Journal. This didn't really catch on with me, as I only wrote in it 3 times in late 2005, and used it once again to write down 'The Cincinnati Affair' in July 2006. Either way, I found this notebook in one of the many drawers in my room, and for your pleasure, will post all four entries, successively, in their entirety (with short explanations, if needed). Without further ado...

Entry #1: "Shaving"

12-29-05

When Adam Nisler shaves - his face becomes a bloody, porous mess. I believe that if a scientist put his chin under a microscope - it would resemble a horror movie set. Magnified, his cheeks would strangely look like stalagmites or stalagtites (whichever ones hang down from the ceiling).

If you're going to learn any lesson from story, it's that if you regularly practice Tae-Kwon-Do - your skin is goin to be more sensitive than a small boy's asshole after Priest Penetratio is finished with him. I would love to see Mr. Nisler was the corners of his mouth. That would be a special occasion.

Friday, January 26, 2007

Whether you like them or not, the Red Hot Chili Peppers have been one of the most influential rock bands of the last 20 years. They've transgressed genres of punk, funk, metal, and dare I say - hip-hop. Sure, some of their songs make no sense. Sure, the radio overplays most of their new singles. Sure, most people have no idea what Anthony Keidis' tattoos mean, or what exactly Flea did to get a role in The Big Lebowski. But here's one thing I do know about the Red Hot Chili Peppers.The Red Hot Chili Peppers are Obsessed with CaliforniaLet's go on a lyrical adventure, shall we?From "Californication": ...And if you want these kind of dreams/It's Californication...First born unicorn/Hard core soft porn/Dream of Californication/Dream of CalifornicationYou get the idea. The made up word "Californication" surfaces a total of 11 times in that song. Let's continue.From "Around the World":...I try not to whine/But, I must warn ya/bout the girls from CaliforniaFrom "Dani California":Chorus: California rest in peace/Simultaneous release/California show your teeth/She's my priestess, I'm your priest/Yeah, yeahCome ON. California is in the fricking title. Dani California is probably some two timin hooker that one of the band members hooked up with and now has a raging case of herpegonhasyphillaids.From "Parallel Universe":Chorus: Christ I’m a sidewinder/ I’m a California King /I swear it’s everywhere /It’s everything Apparently they're from California. I did my research. I love Wisconsin & all, but if I had a band, I probably wouldnt sing about our Dairy state in every song. (Well....) The sad thing is, I bet theres more RHCP that have some reference to Cali in it. Even after hearing all these west-coast Cali homage anthems, I still have very little desire to even step foot in the state. Its chillin on a fault, so one day it's just going to break off and float into the Pacific. I'm guessing theres a Utah-sized hole in the ozone layer above Los Angeles that stretches into Southern San Diego. Arnold Schwarzenegger was elected governor. Let me repeat that - Arnold Schwarzenegger was elected governor. San Francisco is the gay mecca of America. Every year, some crazyass brush fire extends into Arizona or some other state and wipes out an endagered fern that was supposed to cure cancer. You know where that crazyass brush fire started? California. Take a look at WI has compared to what CA has:Wisconsin has: Beer, Cheese, Milwaukee, Madison, Stoughton, Beer, Bo Ryan, Drumlins, Eskers, Beer, Friday Fish Fry, 'Bratwurst', Badger Football, Basketball, and Hockey, Seasons, Harley Davidson Co, Culvers, and Beer.California has: Unstable tectonic plates, no ozone layer, a mountain of gays, and brush fires that kill plantlife that could cure humans of cancer. Rock on Red Hot Chili Peppers!

Sunday, January 14, 2007

In my opinion, as an NFL coach, your duty is to present yourself so. Bill Belichick looks like he spent 83 consecutive days in the gutter on a street corner somewhere in metro New Jersey. He looks disgusting. What kind of coach wears a raggedy 3/4 cut sleeve hooded sweatshirt to sport on the sidelines? Bill Belichick. I have a strong feeling that if you met the head Patriot face to face, he would smell like cheap Mr. Boston rum and Parliament cigarettes. Why Pars' - cuz they're cheap. Cheap like Bill Belichick. I'd go as far to say that he doesnt even own a suit. Even if he did... where would he put it? He's fuckin homeless, remember.

(Above) Members of the media wondering who the beggar by the microphone is.

I'd really like to know how he thinks he can pull this off. Most NFL coaches wear the Team Nylon Jacket, the Huge puffy winter coat, or when its warm - usually the team polo. I don't even think Bill knows what the word 'polo' means. There's no excuse for not looking somewhat decent on the sidelines. I know it doesn't matter in the long run, cuz I'm sure the guy is a good coach. But, given his salary you'd think he'd be able to afford a few overcoats. According to reporter Eric McHugh of The Patriot Ledger:

"Maybe he wants more money. Last month, Forbes pegged Belichick’s average annual salary over his seven years with the Patriots at $2.8 million. According to the magazine’s calculations, that would put him below the $3 million-$4 million range of Tony Dungy, John Fox, Mike Shanahan, Bill Cowher, Parcells and Coughlin."

(Right) A still-hammered Belichick wanders to the next waterboy to ask for spare change.

MORE MONEY? You kidding me? All previously mentioned coaches at least look respectable on the sidelines. To the Pat's front office - I say HOLD OUT! Don't give him an extra dime till he starts looking like a dignified human being. Unfortunately for me, team owners pay coaches based on wins. And the Patriots have just beat the Chargers in San Diego.

You gotta wonder what HE thinks of his appearance. I'm guessing no one has ever brought this up to him face-to-face. And if someone did - he would probably respond with 'Who cares. I'm the coach'. Or 'They pay me to coach, not to dress nice.' Or the more likely response of 'Hey asshole, got a light?' Touche Bill, touche.

If you think I'm being too hard on Bill...go ahead and tell me. I can't think of another prime coach in ANY high status league that looks like a slob. Sure Andy Reid is fat - but at least he covers it up by wearing the team jacket. The NBA is currently in shambles, yet the coaches still look decent. I'd go as far as saying that Bill Belichick looks worse than the thug NBA gangsters did sporting their do-rags and chains before David Stern layed the hammer down.

I hate the Patriots. I hate Bill Belichick. And I'm not a fan of the homeless.