A Quick Guide to Alcoholic Beverages

Hi! If you're on this page, you probably want to know a bit about alcoholic
beverages. Cool. Before we even begin, I will assume you're older than the
minimum legal age for drinking, and that you drink sensibly. If you aren't
or you don't, leave this page, and come back when you are and you do.

Why you should read this

There's plenty of alcohol out there for twice as many people as drink
today. If you are one of the pulsing multitude that can't make a choice
about what to drink when, then read on. If you're a connoisseur already,
then this stuff is pretty elementary. This FAQ is all about making an
informed choice about what to drink, when to drink it and how to drink it.
What this FAQ is not is:

Encouragement for underage drinking

Encouragement for over-drinking

Encouragement for poor taste in drinking

In this FAQ, I classify liquor into five classes. Crazy, some may say,
preposterous, others may. Any attempt at classification is doomed from the
start, say yet others, usually those who haven't won spelling contests when
little. And there are the people continuing to read who probably think
something like this more overdue than 100% literacy or a tax cut is.
Something like this is probably more overdue than a firm stance against
grammatical errors and plummetting moral standards, though I wouldn't go
that far. Not without seeking legal advice first, anyway.

Beers

It's entirely possible that humankind's first attempt at making an
alcoholic beverage resulted in beer. It's also entirely possible that I
made up that fact right now. What is incontrovertible though, is that beer
is one of the easiest alcoholic beverages you can make in the privacy of
your own home. It may well be the legacy you pass on to your kids, who'll
fondly remember their childhood spent skipping among batches of homebrew.

Essentially, beer is the combination of water, grain, yeast and hops. The
water provides, well, the water, which is the bulk of the beer. The grain,
usually barley but occasionally wheat or rice, provides the body and
flavour to the beer. Before the grain can be used for making a beer, it
must be "malted", a process about which I have little knowledge except to
say that it has something to do with bringing out the sugar
(carbohydrates) in the grain. The hops provide bitterness and the yeast is
the fermenting agent which converts sugars in the grain to alcohol. As a
side-effect of the fermenting process, heat and carbon-dioxide are
released. Too much heat can "skunk" the beer and it should be dissipated as
quickly as possible. Carbon-dioxide provides the carbonation, or "fizz", to
the beer.

Much of the infinite variety of beer comes from changing the proportions of
these basic ingredients, changing their types, and changing the brewing
process. Plunging headlong into this manic desire for classification, I
put beers into two broad classes: ales and lagers. Having classified rashly,
I'll just mention now that beers have so much variety that these two classes
are insufficient. More about this later.

Lagers: Lagers are the result of "German"-style brewing techniques.
Lagers are lighter beers, often lighter-coloured and crisp-tasting. They're
usually served cold and have (relatively) lower alcohol content. During
fermentation of lagers, the yeast remains at the bottom of the liquid.
Lagers tend to be very "fizzy", so if you pour a lager for a friend, take
care to tilt the glass and pour to the side of the glass so as not fill the
glass with just foam. If you pour a lager for a foe, you ought to be shot.

A special kind of lager is a "pilsner". I believe the name "pilsner" comes
from a small town named "Pilsener", probably in erstwhile Czechoslovakia.
The brewing technique in this humble city required a giant metal drum, also
called pilsener, in a refreshing display of low imagination. Doubtless an
ancient Herr Pilsener had a hand in the process as well. Pilsners are
more-lager-than-thou lagers. They are especially light, very pale in colour
and very crisp in taste. You can't go through Eastern Europe without being
pelted with pilsners. Strangely, Indian beers are pilsners, despite the
obvious potential of British influence. Kingfisher, from India, is a
commendable pilsner.

A good lager, served cold, is an excellent cure for a hot summer day (which
probably explains Indians' choice). Lagers are good for consuming in
volume, if volume be what you want. They don't fill you up quite as much,
and their alcohol content is low, usually around 3% by volume. Warm lager
should be avoided as far as possible because it probably is
indistinguishable in taste, texture and odour from bodily discharge. When
sampling a lager or pilsner, you should be able to down it smoothly, and
after every swig feel a clean taste in your mouth.

Ales: Ales are the result of "British"-style brewing techniques.
Ales are heavier beers, often darker-coloured and fuller-tasting. They're
usually served at room temperature and have (relatively) higher alcohol
content. During fermentation of ales, the yeast floats at the top of the
liquid. Ales tend to be low on fizz. Sometimes, ales will be impregnated
artificially with extra carbon-dioxide or nitrogen. A favourite trick of
many bartenders is to pour an ale, then get a strong head of foam at the top
of the glass and make little shapes in the firm foam.

Ales themselves can be classified further. Stronger ales are often called
double or triple ales. Even stronger ales are probably stouts, bocks,
double bocks, triple bocks or porters. Progressing further along that line
usually means drinking darker and more flavourful beers, not necessarily
beers with more alcohol. Ales (and their variants) are very popular in the
UK and the US. In particular, the microbreweries in the US have proved to
be a very popular alternative to the sludge that is mass-produced. Once you
get to be a beer-snob (and who doesn't want to be one?), it's a clear
choice between the bursting-with-flavour ales and the tepid commerical
slush. Don't let me influence you.

If you're hankering for a beer on a cold, muggy day, you probably want an
ale. Some of the finest ales in the world are made in British Isles and in
Seattle and Portland, where the weather, for most of the year, is cold and
muggy. Makes you wonder, doesn't it? An ale is not meant for the
despicable practice of "chugging" - consuming beer after beer rapidly by
the expedient of not tasting them. Ales must be savoured, sipped and
enjoyed slowly. Although ales tend to have a slightly higher percentage of
alcohol - 5% - you don't drink ales to get tipsy because they're pretty
heavy. A thick porter or two can be a meal by itself. One of the most
famous ales in the world is Guinness, an Irish ale.

Beers today defy rigid classification, thanks to the innovation of
brewsters and ad executives. Whereas until recently you could look a beer
in the eye and call its bluff, today you may find yourself looking at
hybrid beers that look right back at you with the question "Do you dare?"
For example, we now have Pale Ales - ales that are crisp-tasting and
light, both in colour and flavour. Pale ales were invented by the British
because they found that their darker beers did not do well on the long trip
to India, whereas their lighter ones did. Thus were born India pale ales.
Then there are wheat or weiss or white beers. Typically, these beers are
made by replacing barley with, you guessed it, wheat. Wheat beers are
served in tall, thin glasses with a funicular top that release the beers'
aromas. Wheat beers are made like ales, but are very light in colour, and
often have interesting flavours. For example, Celis White is a tasty, tasty
white beer with aftertastes of orange peel and coriander.

Microbrewers, ranging from small companies to fraternity boys in their
basement, have done all sorts of things to beers these days. There are
meads, which have honey in them. Adding honey increases the sugar content,
which provides more raw material for the yeast to convert to alcohol. There
are lambics, which may have fruits or berries added to them. Rice beers are
popular in Eastern Asia. There are now more summer ales and winter brews
(with hints of nutmeg or cinnamon) than there are days in summer and winter.
And there are amber lagers, which are heavier lagers that are almost ales.
One microbrewery, Red Hook, even makes ales with coffee in them! In general,
you don't want to go nuts with the basic flavour of a beer, though I have
to admit the coffee in the beer is a pretty good mix.

And finally, a word about what I may have been referring to charitably as
The Sludge. Somewhere in the not-too-hoary past, some Americans tracing
their ancestry to Germans decided to mass-produce beer in the US. What
began as an intelligent gleam in the eye became distorted into what's sold
in virtually every grocery store in the US. Most of these atrocious beers
substitute barley with rice - not a bad idea in itself if done right (the
Japanese do it), but alas, doing it right would be too much to ask. The
alcohol content is usually low - around 3% - which doesn't quite explain
why folks think its studly to drink it. Internationally-known beers such as
Budweiser, Heineken, Millers, Fosters, Michelob, Coors, Busch,
Milwaukee's... the list goes on, but I should stop before I retch... are
examples of badly-made mass-market beer. Most of these beers would be
indistinguishable from water in a blind taste test. These beers are sold in
brightly-coloured packaging, as if they are the equivalents of Amazonian
poison-dart frogs, whose bright colours warn predators that these critters
are foul-tasting. Given a choice between one of these beers and a no-name
beer you haven't tasted before, go for the latter... a clear case where a
bird in hand is better than two in the Busch.

Wines

Wines, ah, wines. The drink of the gods, at once a sign of the cognoscenti,
the discerning, the afficionado. It's pretty easy to learn a lot about wine
- most of the practice involves drinking some. Even better, the taxonomy in
wines, is more straightforward. There are red wines, and there are white
wines. Wait, you thought that was all, didn't you? Actually, there are
rosé wines, sparkling wines, champagne, port wines and dessert
wines. More about them later...

Apart from the rudimentary classification based on colour, wines are
differentiated by the grapes used to make them. No, the grapes you get in
the market for post-dinner chomping are not the same as those used for
wine-making. In fact, they actually make pretty disgusting wines. Wine
grapes tend to be smaller and much more tart when eaten off the vine.

Wine is made by crushing grapes, letting the juice ferment with a bit of
yeast, and then letting the fermented juice age in oak casks in cool
temperatures. During the fermentation process, the sugar in the grapes gets
converted to alcohol. Typically, alcohol content in wines tends to be
between 8-18%.

Reds: Red wines are made from, unsurprisingly, red grapes. After
crushing, the skins are allowed to be in contact with the grape juice for
a long time in order to impart the red colour to the wine. Because of the
long contact, the grape juice tends to become more tart. Red wines are
usually allowed to age for a long time (two years upward) before they
become potable.

When served, they are allowed to "air" for about five minutes to release
their flavour. You can "air" a wine by just letting it stand open or by
pouring it into a decanter. Red wines are usually served at room
temperature. Red wines go well with strong-flavoured foods, for example,
spicy Indian foods, or red meats like beef and pork.

Popular grapes that are used to make red wines are: Cabernet Sauvignon
(usually very sharp, very strong), Merlot (flavourful, even spicy), Pinot
Noir (unassuming), Shiraz or Syrah (new Australian grape) and Norton
(extremely tart). A Bordeaux is a wine made in that region of France, but
not necessarily from a particular grape.

Whites: White wines are made from less red grapes. After crushing,
the skins are allowed to be in contact with the grape juice for a very
short time. Because of the short contact, the grape juice tends to be
light-coloured. White wines are drunk shortly after they are bottled; wait
too long and they turn to vinegar.

White wines are usually served chilled. Not frozen, not ice-cold, just
chilled. White wines go well with delicately-flavoured foods, for example,
seafood and chicken. Stronger-flavoured foods tend to overwhelm white
wines.

Popular grapes that are used to make red wines are: Sauvignon Blanc (a bit
sharp), Riesling (sweet German grape), Gewurtzraminer (another sweet German
grape), Pinot Blanc and Chardonnay (the most popular white wine grape).

I would be the last one to pontificate on wine. Well, maybe not. Maybe I
will pontificate before many others. In drinking wine, I believe, the most
important requirement is the willingness to try it. You'll read a lot about
the fine points of drinking wine, and if you can appreciate wine at that
level, great. But you don't need to know a wine's bouquet (aroma), its
nose (aroma), its legs (viscosity) and its attitude (who knows?) in order
to know what you like and what you don't.

A few terms though. A varietal wine is a wine made with a single variety of
wine. For example, a Merlot wine is made almost entirely with Merlot
grapes. Sure, a particular manufacturer may cut the wine with a small
amount of Cabernet Sauvignon for complexity, but the wine is a Merlot.
Also, a varietal will be made with the grapes grown in one year. In other
words, a 1998 Merlot will be made from grapes harvested in 1998. Varietal
wines will usually have the grape and year printed prominently on the
label, although the snobbish French are reticent about such matters. A
blended wine will be made from multiple types of grapes. Given a choice
between varietals and other wines, go for the varietals.

Rosés: In case it wasn't obvious by now, red and white wines
can be mixed, and have been mixed. The resulting wines are pink in colour,
naturally, and are called "rosé" wines. Some rosés are made
by using red grapes but making them like white wines. Most pink wines are
best enjoyed by pouring them down the drain. However, the occasional
Zinfandel actually happens to be good.

Greens: The only place where I have heard of green wines is a
Portuguese restaurant in Boston. And the wine was white.

Dessert Wines: These are white wines with high concentrations of
residual sugar. In other words, in these wines, not all the sugar is
converted to alcohol. However, a lot of sugar is converted to
alcohol, so you should find these wines stronger than the rest. Dessert
wines, as the name suggests, are good after-dinner aperitifs to be had with
desserts.

Port Wines: These are red wines with high concentrations of sugar.
These wines are also good after dinner, preferably with a delectable
dessert.

Sherry: Sherry is fortified wine, much like vermouth (explained
later), but it rarely has additives, hence it's in this section. Sherry
tends to be sweet, or maybe that's just my experience.

Champagnes: Champagnes are essentially white wines that have
carbonation in them. In a good champagne, the carbonation a should be
natural, i.e., part of the process. In cheap champagne, the carbonation is
added after the process. The process, to which I keep annoyingly referring,
is known as the Methode Champenoise, and I am sure I have mangled it
somewhat. Only champagne made in the Champagne region in France can be
called "Champagne"; the rest is "Sparkling Wine". Of course, everyone would
like to drink Dom Perignón, but for the less wealthy among us, there
are plenty of decent champagnes available at less-than-outrageous prices.
However, at all costs (ha ha!) avoid pink champagnes.

Beware of the abominations made with fruits other than grapes - plum wines,
apricot wines, peach wines, and the like. Most of these are quite beastly.
However, a unique wine is the Japanese "Saké", which is a rice wine.
Saké, when served warm in the traditional way, is an excellent
accompaniment to some delicate sushi.

While French wines are probably the best in the world, they are often
highly-priced because of that whole dratted supply-demand theory. Other
European wines often provide excellent and less expensive alternatives. For
example, there's nothing wrong with some German Rieslings and
Gewurtraminers, or some of the Italian (e.g., Chianti), Spanish and
Portuguese reds. Yet other wine-producing countries are Argentina and Chile.
The US, of course, makes wine. Thomas Jefferson was the first man to import
wine grapes into the US, influenced as he was by his experiences as US
ambassador to France. His efforts failed but about a hundred years later,
viniculturists tried their hand again, this time with better technology and
hardier grapes. In the Napa and Sonoma counties of California they found
they could almost exactly duplicate French conditions. As a result, a large
number of wineries in the US are located there. Most of the Californian
wines are good, though some of the bigger producers have become purveyors
of pretty insipid stuff. Try Virginian wines for a refreshing change. In
general, if your wine of choice is sold in 2-litre bottles, avoid it. And
always, always, turn your nose up at plastic.

Some of the low-quality table wine can be used in cooking. Wine is a very
good alternative for oil in cooking, though not for all dishes.
Lightly-flavoured dishes do well in a wine sauce. For that special
Thanksgiving cranberry sauce, I recommend adding a decent red wine.

Hard Liquors

Hard liquors are certainly for the serious drinker. By that term, I don't
mean an alcoholic, but someone who likes to get a strong straight shot of
alcohol without any fuss or fluff. Most hard liquors are around "80 proof"
or "40%" meaning they contain 40% alcohol by volume. Ironically, hard
drinks are also for the non-serious drinkers - those who like froofy,
multi-coloured drinks. Hard liquors may be consumed straight (or "neat"),
on the rocks (with ice), with soda (with soda) or mixed with fruit juices
or colas. Let's zip through some of the most prominent hard liquors and
look at what you can do with them.

Vodka: Vodka is perhaps the most basic of all the hard liquors. Most
vodkas are pretty tasteless, odourless and colourless. Consequently, they
make excellent mixed drinks; their contribution is the "punch" in what's
otherwise essentially fruit juice. Unless you're a dour Russian, you
generally do not drink vodka straight, on the rocks or in "shots". Some of
the better brands of vodka - Absolut (especially the flavoured ones),
Smirnoff, Stolichnaya, Grey Goose, Skyy - are probably very good straight
out of the bottle, but if your vodka comes in plastic bottles, you would be
well-advised to mix it with something else.

Traditionally, vodka used to be made by distilling potatoes (the Russians
had and have enough potatoes to make furniture out of them). Nowadays,
different grains are used, the ubiquitous rice being one of them. Although
earlier I mentioned that vodka is tasteless and odourless, good vodka
certainly makes mixed drinks taste much better. And naturally, good vodka
makes a vodka martini taste much better.

As the drink popularised by James Bond, a vodka martini is a very
fashionable drink. In its most basic form, a vodka martini involves very
little vermouth with a lot of vodka shaken over ice and poured into a
conical glass. The quantity of vermouth used varies greatly and determines
how "smooth" or "dry" the martini is. A smooth martini has one part
vermouth for 3-4 parts of vodka. A very dry martini involves the bartender
pouring the vodka and only sniffing the vermouth. My choice is to rinse the
inside of the glass with vermouth and discard the rest. Then, pour the
vodka chilled over ice into the glass. You may want to add an olive into
the drink. Or perhaps a small cocktail onion. Or replace the vermouth with
sweet vermouth and add a cherry. Or add some of the juice of an olive to
get a "dirty" martini. It's all about having the choice.

Other well-known vodka drinks are: Screwdriver (vodka with orange juice),
Black Russian (vodka and Kahlua), White Russian (vodka, Kahlua and
cream/milk), Long Island Iced Tea (vodka and a whole host of liquors, but
no tea), Bloody Mary (vodka, tomato juice and a piece of celery - heady
and healthy). Another popular drink, Cosmopolitan, is a vodka
martini with Lemon Vodka, Triple Sec (or Cointreau), a lime cordial (or
lime juice) and cranberry juice. Vodka is also used to make "jello shots"
- little servings of jello (jelly, for non-US readers) with vodka added to
them before chilling.

Rum: Rum is what you drink when you want to smell like the drunk on
the street. Rum smells nasty, tastes nasty and makes your bodily discharges
(all of them) reek the next day. Rum is the citified cousin of country
liquor, that rotgut that's brewed illegally in every country, state and
town by enterprising youngsters with tremendous enthusiasm and little money
or talent.

Rum comes from fermenting sugarcane. By the time you're reading this line,
you probably know that the whole process of making any alcohol involves
fermenting sugar into alcohol. Usually, the sugar is present in some main
ingredient, for example, barley, wheat, rice, grapes, potatoes, etc. When
your main ingredient is sugarcane, you know you're making something
serious. Well, that something is rum. Most legal producers of rum restrict
the alcohol content in rum to the normal 40% or 80-proof, but if you're
buying from your friendly neighbourhood bootlegger, caveat emptor.

One of the most famous producers of rum is Bacardi. Bacardi produces 3-4
kinds of rum, ranging from the almost-odourless White Rum to the strong
Black Rum. White rum is a good mixer for fruit drinks, such as a daiquiri.
A daiquiri is made by crushing ice and strawberries together, adding a hint
of lime juice, some white rum and some fancy liqueur such as Cointreau or
Triple Sec. A sprig of mint or slice of pineapple could be a nice garnish.
Black Rum, on the other hand, goes very well with a cola, such as Coke or
Pepsi. The Indian rum, Old Monk, is another (strong!) black rum that goes
well with a strong cola, such as Thums Up. If you go to an exotic country,
say Kenya, and find yourself buying cane alcohol, you are buying rum.
According to one my readers, "Good rums range from Pusser's (Royal British
Navy), to Mount Gay and Cruzan (esp. the 2-yr). A kickass rum made on the
Caribbean isle of St. Lucia is aptly named Strong rum. Although light in
color [sic], Whoa. Most other light or white rums are for girly drinks."

Other rums are available for your pleasure. Malibu produces a
coconut-flavoured rum that's used to make a Piña Colada. A
piña colada is pineapple juice with coconut rum served over ice.
It's a breezy tropical drink that's popular on a hot beach. Gosling makes a
dark rum that's not bad to drink, but is often used to make
"flambeéd" desserts. If you're one of those people who believes that
providing flaming foods to your guests is a great way to break the ice,
then you may want to research Greek foods which involve flaming cheese. To
bring the night to a fiery finish, you could serve crèpes, bananas
or ice cream flambé. Basically, the process involves making your
dessert in your own inimitable way first. Then, heat a shallow pan on
medium heat. When the pan becomes warm to hot, add rum, wait a few seconds
for the first alcohol fumes, then light them on fire. Dump the burning
alcohol on your dessert, and serve it still burning to your
by-now-speechless guests. Unless your guests are rubes fresh out of the
back country, they will have the sense to douse the flames before eating.
Keep a fire extinguisher handy, just in case. Also, it doesn't hurt to have
the fire brigade on speed dial.

Popular rum drinks are: Rum and Coke (need I say more?), Piña Colada,
Strawberry Daiquiri, Long Island Iced Tea (vodka, rum and a whole bunch of
other liquors, but no tea).

Whiskey: Whiskey is one of those weird drinks that can mislead you
about a drinker. When someone tells you that his poison of choice is
whiskey, you have to wonder where this human stands in the fool chain.
Could he be drinking rotgut? Away with his ghastly presence, then! Perhaps
blended whiskey. Well, that's tolerable. Maybe it's Canadian whiskey or
sour mash or bourbon. Nice touch of eccentricity there. Maybe its Chivas
Regal, in which case, we have a pretender to high class. Or maybe it's that
elusive drinker, that fine connoisseur of single-malt scotch. If it is,
hang on, you may have a winner here.

Whiskey is made with malt and barley, pretty much the same way as beer,
initially. However, whiskey is allowed to ferment in barrels for many years
(even decades) before it is permitted to be potable. The kind of grain
used, the region where the whiskey is made, the barrels used, the duration
of the aging period all determine the final flavour of the whiskey. (And,
yes, I refuse to spell it "whisky" - whiskey has nothing to do with whisking).

Scotch is the most famous kind of whiskey everyone has heard about. Scotch
whiskey implies it comes from Scotland, and indeed it does. However, some
Scotches are more Scotch than others. I refer, of course, to single-malt
Scotch. As the name implies, single-malt Scotch is made with just one malt.
Before you get visions of extremely diluted liquor, let me rush in to
explain that what that really means is that the whiskey produced in one
year is made solely from the malt of that single year. Although the
process used to make a particular brand of single-malt is the same year
after year, because the malts used vary from year to year, the flavour of
the same brand of whiskey varies from year to year. At least, that's what
the advertisers say, in order to make you buy the same whiskey year after
year. Practically speaking, a particular brand of whiskey made in 1987 may
vary a bit from the same whiskey made in 1986 or 1988, but the bigger
differences are between brands, not between years.

Single-malt scotches have very distinct flavours. They're also pretty
strong (perhaps in alcohol, but definitely in taste), and it takes a hardy
fellow to cultivate a taste for them. One of my favourite Scotches is
Talisker. Talisker has a strong flavour of the sea, probably because the
brewery is right next to the sea in Scotland. My introduction to Talisker
was with a like-minded friend one chilly winter evening. We poured the
whiskey into snifters and let them sit for a while in the room. Pretty
soon, the aroma pervading the room got us in the mood for a taste. The
first few sips had me scrunching my face, but sent fingers of warmth down
my chest. Eventually, I figured out the knack for "drinking" the stuff -
you sip a bit, keep it on your tongue and let it evaporate. Inhale the
vapours in. Heady stuff. After a while, we tried the same drink, but with a
single ice cube in it. Suddenly, the flavour of the whiskey opened up. We
had strong flavours going up to our nose and more rounded taste going down
the gullet. I was hooked. Since then I have tried other single-malts, and
my preferences (in decreasing order) are: Talisker, Isle of Jura, Arran,
Oban, Glenlivet, Glenfiddich and Glenmorangie.

In my opinion, a pretty poor single-malt scotch still trumps a well-made
blended scotch, such as Chivas Regal. Blended scotches are made from the
malts of several years. Consequently, their flavour tends to be uniform
from year to year, but they also tend to be somewhat boringly simple. None
of your Johnny Walkers - red, blue, black, gold, beige, ecru, aquamarine or
fuschia - comes spittingly close to a Glenmorangie. As for the Jim Beam and
Jack Daniels, well, they ain't even Scotch.

Whiskey made in places other than Scotland is still whiskey, but it may
have other names. For example, there's Canadian whiskey, and that's about
all you can say for it. Bourbon is whiskey made in Bourbon, Kentucky.
Apparently, the denizens of said Bourbon decided to impart a unique flavour
to their whiskey by burning oak barrels, scraping off the charred husks and
aging the whiskey in those one-use barrels. Bourbon usually is smoky in
flavour, not surprisingly. Meanwhile, some enterprising residents of
Tennessee decided to copy most of the technique, but not having a quaint
town to name their stuff after, decided to call it sour mash.

The most famous whiskey drink, is, naturally, whiskey-and-soda. A pretty
decent alternative is whiskey-and-sours. Sours are just juices of limes or
lemons. Manhattan is a drink made like a martini but with whiskey instead
of vodka or gin.

Tequila: Every party that's gone out of hand ends in tequila. Many
begin with tequila as well. Once you have started on the tequila path,
there's no going anywhere else. You can't really shift from tequila to say,
scotch, because that's like driving a smooth, purring Cadillac after you've
experienced the bump-and-grind of a 15-year old Korean reject. Sure, the
reject made your insides churn, but didn't you feel like you grew chest
hair driving it?

Tequila is made from the leaves of the agave plant. If you have never heard
of the agave plant, fear not. Most of the people who down tequila haven't
either. For all they care, tequila could have come from the wrong side of a
leaky toilet. And tequila often ends in that very place. The agave plant
has blue leaves and grows in semi-desert conditions, such as those found in
Mexico. It's amazing what people will distill and ferment for alcohol.

Most tequila is nasty stuff. You don't want to taste it because it'll make
your stomach turn. The two choices are: mixed drinks and shots. Shots are
small quantities of alcohol that you drink by just opening your throat
wide. No tasting permitted. To drink a shot of tequila the "correct" way
(is there really a correct way?), you lick the skin between your thumb and
forefinger, rub some salt on it, then lick the salt, throw back the tequila
and chow down on a wedge of lime immediately. Repeat until you throw up.
Somewhere between your second and fifth tequila, someone will suggest the
idea of "eating the worm". One of the most popular tequilas used for shots
is a brand named Mezcal. Mezcal's main selling point seems to be the little
worm that's at the bottom of every bottle. If you're down to drinking shots
of tequila, it's a small step down to eating the worm.

Tequila is used extensively in mixed drinks. The most famous is the
margarita. To make a margarita, crush ice and lime juice in a blender. Add
tequila and a little orange liqueur such as Cointreau (for the snobbish
margarita, if such a being exists) or Triple Sec. Next, take a wide-mouthed,
long-stemmed glass, moisten its rim and turn it over in a saucer of rock
salt. Pour in the tequila, add a lime, and muy bueno! José
Cuervo, especially the cheaper varieties, is a pretty good brand for mixed
drinks.

Surprisingly, there is actually good tequila to be found. At least three
brands of tequila - Patrón, Herradura and Sauza - are actually sipping
tequilas. While your Cuervos and Mezcals are golden yellow in colour, the
sipping tequilas are straw-coloured to colourless. You can't really compare
sipping tequila to scotch, but the sheer impertinence of tequila that
doesn't require to be swallowed carries them through. Among sipping
tequilas, "gold" carries more premium than "silver". Careful here - to
differentiate between the nasty stuff and the sipping stuff, you want to
err on the side of lighter colour, but once you're in the realm of sipping
tequilas, you want to err on the side of darker colour. Have a few shots of
tequila to clear the matter for you.

Gin: Gin is the traditional main liquor in a martini. Time was when
you could order a martini and the bartender wouldn't come back with "Gin or
vodka?". If you say a martini, you mean a gin martini, dammit. Every
jackass with a bad Bond imitation of "shaken but not stirred" has expected
a martini to be a vodka martini, only to be flabbergasted when the gin
version (version? the original!) arrives.

Gin has an interesting history. In the 1920s and 1930s, when Prohibition
was in effect in the United States, people could not buy liquor legally.
Some folks decided to brew their own by crushing juniper berries in their
bathtub, and that's how gin (or at least bathtub gin) was born. After
Prohibition was lifted, people discovered they had grown accustomed to the
taste of gin. Since then, gin has been refined into a high-society drink,
and can be made from other berries, not just juniper. Sloe gin is made from
sloeberries, and is used in many drinks whose names make a pun of "sloe"
and "slow" (sloe screw against a wall, sloe sex on the beach, etc.).

Apart from martinis, gin is famous for lime or lemon cordials (lime or
lemon juice and gin over ice) and gin-and-tonic. Yet another interesting
story about gin actually has to do with tonic. When Britain was a world
power (and not just a quaint island with odd accents), her soldiers in the
tropical colonies (like India) often contracted malaria, which had the
unhappy side-effect of killing them off more painfully than the boredom of
managing docile natives. Quinine, the drug for malaria had to be administered
to the troops, and it was done so by dissolving it in water. This water was
called a tonic, and ironically, it hardly acted as a tonic upon the troops.
The petulant British soldiers actually refused to take tonic because it
tasted nasty! That's when the British hit upon the idea of serving tonic
with gin, gin being the cheapest rotgut they could find that would not kill
their soldiers more quickly than malaria. Today, when you order a
gin-and-tonic at a swank bar, remember how you're killing two birds with
one stone(-drunk) - the malaria virus with the tonic and your brain cells
with the alcohol.

Liqueurs

Liqueurs... hard to spell, harder to pronounce, but what a joy to consume!
Often, liqueurs are produced from exotic ingredients like fruits and nuts.
As an ardent fan and reader of these pages pointed out:

The Federal Standards of Identity define cordials and liqueurs as products
obtained by mixing or redistilling distilled spirits with or over fruits,
plants, or pure juices therefrom, or other natural flavoring materials, or
with extracts derived from infusions, percolation, or maceration of such
materials, and containing sugar, dextrose, or levulose, or a combination
thereof, in an amount not less than 2.5 percent by weight of the finished
product. The Standards prohibit use of the terms "distilled" or "compound"
when describing or labelling the product.

That definition notwithstanding, there are many, many liqueurs and they
come in exciting shapes and sizes, and have all sorts of aromas and tastes.
Here, I'll just talk about the few that I know about and trust you to find
out about the others.

Brandy: As a child, I'm sure you have had brandy and honey
administered to you for a particularly bad cold. Well, maybe that was just
in my family. Brandy is made by distilling wine. A good brandy should have
a strong aroma and should go down smoothly. Typically, brandy is served in
a special kind of glass called a snifter. A snifter has a wide bottom and
a narrow top, much like your average politician, although the snifter
tends to crack under pressure. The shape of the snifter enables funnelling
the aroma of the brandy.

Brandy from the Cognac region in France is called, surprisingly, "Cognac".
Good cognacs are actually pretty easy to find. Look for the label "VSOP"
under the name. If VSOP is a bit too much for your wallet, settle for the
inferior VS (Very Special). Good brands of brandy/cognac are: Courvoisier,
Remy Martin, Martell. Brandy from the Armagnac region in France is called,
guess what, Armagnac!

Technically, brandy is not a liqueur because it neither has enough residual
sugar nor any added flavourings, but somehow it feels like it should be
here.

Vermouth: Vermouth is fortified wine, which means it's probably hard
to break down its defences. Seriously though, vermouth is just white or red
wine to which an assortment of flavours can be and indeed, are, added. Most
of these flavourings make the wine itself unpotable, but make for a decent
additive. Most bars stock on vermouth mainly for the martinis, although the
savvy martini drinker wants merely a whiff, not a quaff of the vermouth.

Cognac: See "Brandy". Drink Cognac.

Amaretto: Almond-flavoured liqueur that's good with coffee, cookies,
or in mixed drinks, with sours. Rather sweet. Popular brand: DiSaronno.

Frangelico: Hazelnut-flavoured liqueur, originally made by
Franciscan monks. Excellent with coffee.

Grand Marnier: Orange-flavoured liqueur. Excellent served warm with
cookies. Used often in mixed drinks such as margaritas and in baked goods.

Drambuie: Liqueur made by distilling whiskey even further. Good for
sipping.

Galliano: Liqueur tasting of licorice (anise). Comes in a
weird-shaped bottle that looks like a baseball bat. The liqueur itself has
a sickly greenish-yellow colour. Best used in mixed drinks.

Irish Cream: Very popular liqueur that goes superbly with coffee.
Make a pot of good but not overly-strong coffee. Add Irish Cream instead of
milk and sugar for a good post-prandial drink. Also good just by itself
over ice. Popular brand: Bailey's.

Schnapps: Schnapps are usually made from fruits. They are strong,
aromatic liqueurs that are often used in mixed drinks. Most popular
schnapps: peach. Used for making a Fuzzy Navel (peach schnapps, orange
juice). Try peppermint schnapps if you like your mouthwash to have an added
kick. Cinnamon schnapps are spicy!

Triple Sec: Another orange-flavoured liqueur, but a bit low-end. Can
be imbibed over ice, but perhaps best known for use in margaritas. Popular
brand: De Kuypers.

Curaçao: Yet another orange-flavoured liqueur, but its main
selling point is its striking blue colour. Originally made in the Dutch
colony of Curaçao. Today used for making wacky-coloured drinks.

Cointreau: The king of orange-flavoured liqueurs. Made from orange
peel actually. Very aromatic and flavourful, with high alcohol content. Can
be used instead of Triple Sec to make expensive margaritas (don't forget to
use expensive tequila as well, and charge the moon).

Sambuca: Fennel-flavoured liqueur. Odd taste repels most drinkers
except Indians who are used to champing on fennel after dinner. Add three
roasted coffee beans to change the flavour of the liqueur radically.
Popular brand: Romana.

Ouzo: Anise-flavoured liqueur, and the national drink of Greece.
Anise tastes very similar to fennel.

Coffee Liqueur: Yes, liqueur that tastes like coffee. Often added to
coffee as well. Popular brands: Kahlua and Tia María. Kahlua is also
used to make Black and White Russians - the drinks, not the humans.

Melon Liqueur: Nasty stuff. Whoever hit upon the idea of making
liqueur that tastes like honeydew? Well, it's out there in glorius green
colour. Mainly used to make greenish mixed drinks, like Grasshopper.
Popular brand: De Kuypers.

Grenadine: A pomegranate syrup, not a liqueur. Mainly famous for its
bright red colour. Used to make funky layered drinks along with Triple Sec
and Curaçao. Layered drinks, as you can imagine are delicate
concoctions involving gently pouring liqueurs of slight-varying specific
gravities over one another until they form distinct coloured layers. The
drinks look cool, but are nasty to drink.

Pastis: French anise-flavoured liqueurs. Can be diluted with water.

Southern Comfort: An exceptionally smooth liqueur related to
whiskey. Used in mixed drinks, for example, margaritas, but tastes good on
its own, or on a bed of ice.

Jägermeister: A drink so foul that it is usually kept frozen to
lock in the taste. Usually used in mixed drinks, especially as the night
gets along.

Unterberg: A digestif, i.e., a drink enjoyed after dinner to aid
digestion of the food, although some may take issue with the use of the
word "enjoyed". Unterberg is particularly vicious-tasting, and in a
well-advised move, is sold in tiny bottles.

Miscellany

Labelling a drink under "Miscellany" carries the unfortunate connotation
that it must taste like regurgitated sewage. Far from it, some of the
drinks listed here are actually very good. For some more information about
traditional liquors, look here.

Cider: Made from apples usually, occasionally pears. Ciders can be
non-alcoholic, but what's the point? Usually, alcohol content in hard
ciders is comparable to beers. Given that there are about 5 dozen varieties
of apples in the world, the range of ciders is pretty large. Ciders made
from Granny Smith apples, for example, are very tart and somewhat harsh,
whereas other ciders can be dark and smooth. Popular brand: Woodchuck.

Wine cooler: Abomination. Nobody is quite sure what these creatures
are. The usual concoction contains some kind of cola with some kind of
alcohol, and that's about how charitable the description can get.

Barley wine: Very strong beer made from barley. Barley wines tend to
be sweeter than beers likely because they have more sugar that's converted
to alcohol. Alcohol content tends to be in the 9-14% range, sometimes
higher. One of my readers advises "As such, it is usually served in a
short-stemmed wine glass, no more than about a 1/2 pint at a time. Barley
wine is a beautiful thang!... and an acquired taste."

Country liquor: Nothing good ever comes out of country liquor, no
matter what the country. Rumours abound about them being brewed in a manner
similar to making compost.

Feni: Cashew liqueur from Goa, India. Good-quality feni is hard to
find, and all feni tends to stink up the area within a radius of a mile.

Sangria: Sangria is actually a mixed drink, but worth mentioning not
just because it's the national drink of Spain, but because it combines the
oddest ingredients together. First, take some halfway-decent red wine. Sip
a few glasses of it to make sure it's good. Then chop some fruit - oranges,
apples - and add it to the wine. Next, find shome vorka and dunk a quantity
of it in, making shure to ship each dunk. Then add shome Cointreau
enshuring shtict qualty contrl along th'way. Add some line juice, some
shodah, some brandy (never fogettin g to chek for goodness). Add some ice,
throw some salt oiver your shoulder, grin shtoopidly, anf dvae fune!