Poor David Beckham. He had his heart set on attending the Tom Cruise/Katie Holmes wedding until the evil bastards that run Real Madrid told him to get his ass back to the team. He's dealing with a knee injury and thought he'd go enjoy the nuptials, but his coach wasn't going for it. He ordered him back to the team, and that's where he is. Victoria, you'll be relieved to know, attended in his absence.

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But here's the bigger concern at the moment. There are rumors that Cruise has the Beckhams into Scientology, the wackjob religion he used to brainwash Katie Holmes and force her to marry him. Now, I don't want to tell the Beckhams what they can and can't worship, but when Beckham arrives in the MLS, I don't want his effectiveness to be limited because Xenu shot a magic laser beam into his goddamn eyeballs after because Becks missed his monthly payment.