Resilience Building 101 Helping Kids Respond to Stress Better

Ever struggled with a season of anxiety? You are not alone since it is estimated that 40 million adults in America presently do [ADAA, 2014]. Managing fear and stress in today’s fast paced culture of divorce, crime, financial and natural disasters, and violence is relevant to every single one of us.

In a perfect world, as parents we would cope perfectly and confidently raise our kids to feel both competent and equipped to handle the highs and lows life brings. Since we all fall short, we need to be intentional in fostering resiliency so that our children may weather storms and face challenges with courage.

Stress Overview

Pediatrician Kenneth Ginsburg and the Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia (CHOP) joined forces with the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) to write a guide for parents and caregivers to help children better recognize their abilities and strengths. In A Parent’s Guide to Building Resilience in Children and Teens: Giving Your Child Roots and Wings (2011) Ginsburg summarizes what we know for sure about the development of resilience in kids and provides this overview of stress:

* Children need to know that there is an adult in their life who believes in them and loves them unconditionally.

* Kids will live “up” or “down” to our expectations.

* We will always experience stress in our lives.

* Stress is an important tool that can aid in our survival.

* Our body’s reaction to stress is mediated through a complex interplay of sensory input—sights and sounds—as well as the brain and nervous system, hormones, and the body’s cells and organs.

* Emotions play an important role in how we experience stress because the brain is the conductor of this system. The way we think about stress and what we choose to do about it can affect the impact of a stressful event.

The 7 C’s of Resilience

Understanding that resilience is not a simple one-part entity, the 7 C’s of resiliency include: competence, confidence, connection, character, contribution, coping, and control. The following descriptions are followed by suggestions for strengthening resilience.

Competence: Competence is the ability to do something effectively or efficiently, and parents can encourage it.

* Help children focus on individual strengths.

* Focus any identified mistakes on specific incidents.

* Empower kids to make decisions.

* Be careful that the desire to protect your child doesn’t mistakenly send the message you don’t think they are competent to handle things.

* Recognize the competencies of siblings individually and avoid comparisons.

Confidence: A child’s belief in his own abilities is derived from competence.

* Focus on the best in each child so that they may see the best as well.

* Clearly express their best qualities, such as fairness, integrity, persistence, and kindness.

* Realize telling them to stop the negative behavior will not be effective.

* Understand that many risky behaviors are attempts to alleviate stress and pain in kids’ daily lives.

* Do not condemn your child for negative behaviors and potentially, increase their sense of shame.

Control: Children who realize that they can control the outcomes of their decisions are more likely to realize that they have the ability to bounce back. Your child’s understanding that he or she can make a difference further promotes competence and confidence.

* Help your child understand life’s events are not purely random and that most things that happen are the result of another individual’s choices and actions.

* Teach them that discipline is about teaching, not punishing or controlling; use discipline to help your child understand that his actions produce certain consequences.

Michele Ranard has a husband, two sons, and a master’s in counseling psychology.

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