A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.
It was valid.
Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem.
Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too.

One day George W. Bush and Dick Cheney walk into a diner. A waitress walks up to them and asks if she can take their order. Bush leans close to her and says, "Honey, can I have a quickie?"
The waitress is appalled and yells at the President about women's rights and storms away.

Cheney then says to Bush, "George, its pronounced 'quiche'."

Famous George W. Quotes(Honest to goodness, they're straight from his mouth)

"I believe Men and Fish can coexist together peacfully."

"I support Latino owned buisnesses, women owned buisnesses, and every other kind of person owned buisnesses."

The guy always insist the lights be turned off during sex. After 20 years the wife finaly switches the light on one night. The guy has a sex toy. So thats what has been going on, she said. I think you should explane this. The guy said: I'll explane this, if you explane the kids.

A guy is invited to a costume party. The only catch is that you must dress up as a particular emotion or feeling. He wants to come up with something original and after a few days of contemplating it, he comes up with a great idea. He builds a device where he can hang a bowl of custard from his belt.
He shows up at the party buck naked with his dick sticking in the bowl of custard. Everyone is staring at him with startled looks on their faces. He knows his costume is the best at the party so he doesn't care at all. He walks up to two girls. He says to the first girl, "hey, you're all dressed in green, you must be green with envy". She nods her head. He turns to the second girl, who is all dressed in blue and says, "you must be sad". The second girls nods her head and still in shock at his costume asks, "what emotion are you dressed as?"
He smiles and says, "I'm fucking disgusted!"

An apple, a banana, and a turd are floating down a stream. The turd glares at the two fruit and mumbles, "Damn, this stream is fruity..." The banana then turns to the apples and says "You hear that shit?!"

Three midgets are sitting around talking about their lives and their lack of accomplishments. One of the midgets speaks up, "Hey, I've got an idea! I'll bet we could set some records in the Guinness Book of World Records! I'll bet I've got the world's smallest hands!"

The second midget speaks up, "Hey! That's a great idea! I bet I've got the world's smallest feet!"

A lawyer in a limo passed a family on the roadside eating grass.
He instructed the driver to pull over to have a better look. The Lawyer got out and asked the poor folks why they were eating grass. They said they ran out of money and had nothing else to eat. The lawyer then invited them into the limo telling them that he was going to take them to his place for a meal. Upon hearing this, another poor grass eating family came out of the thicket only to be invited by the lawyer to also partake of a meal at his own private estate. They all crammed into the limo for the ride. After some time the lawyer said….”Ah, here we are, I’m sure you will all like it here very much, I’ve got about 2 acres of very high grass”.

"We'll know our disinformation program is complete when everything the American public believe is false."- William Casey, CIA Director 1981