Follow my journey from Greece to Sweden and my quest for happiness, starting August 23rd 2014.

Tuesday, May 26, 2015

I will KFC you to death - An American Horror Story by Claire Newton

***Disclaimer***

Before you start reading, let me clear one thing. This post has nothing to do
with the tv-series AHS. Roger that? Nice. Keep reading, except maybe in case
you are American. Then close your browser window, forget about this article and
go play some Farmville on Facebook.

My name is Claire. I’m the one who wrote
the letter mentioned in this (post/place link) and the one you probably blame
for not letting Kostas abandon his writing career and save his readers from
their misery. Just kidding. Go! Go! Kostas. Keep writing.

I should also mention that I’m a brit-greek, with a morbid combination of the
worst qualities from each nationality which makes me a really difficult person.
Don’t ask me where I got my honesty and self-criticism, cause I’ve no idea.

Now that I’ve (poorly) introduced myself, I’ll tell you that recently, 16 long
days ago to be exact, a Turkish Airlines plane carried me away from home to a
land of walking brain dead and moving fat. My 2 hours waiting time in the
airport of Istanbul, where the security checked mostly non-muslim passengers
and ignored the rest, was my last contact with civilization. My arrival at the
Dulles International Airport was the beginning of a long journey in the zombie
land.

Prologue

The United States have always been projected as the land of freedom, of
democracy, of limitless opportunities. The American Dream is their main export
product, the drug they sell and Hollywood is the dealer.

For many years, I thought part of this dream, was actually true and possible to
obtain. I say “part of it” because my father made sure to open my eyes every
time I was misled, but still, dreams are dreams, they are nice and lovely and
pink and fluffy and you can easily believe them even when they stink like
horseshit.

My first realization came back in 2010, with my first trip to the States which
lasted exactly 28 days. I wrote 2 blog posts for my own blog back at that time
under the titles “American Dream” (part 1 and 2). Now that I think of it, I
should re-title them “28 days after”. I think it’s proper.

Now, 5 years later, my social experiment is in Phase 2, as I like to call those
trips. This time, the unfortunate (crazy) scientist will have to endure not 28,
but 88 whole days in this cursed land, where the only true god is Lord Dollar.

After already 17 days, I’m in position to share my first scientific
observations with the rest of the world.

Firstly, Americans don’t know how, or what,
to eat. They spent a massive amount of money or buying crap. Seriously, they
have huge supermarkets where you can find long aisles full of pre-cooked or
frozen or ready quick meals, cheap and easy. Cook in the microwave oven for 3’
and eat your shit. You can buy fresh meat of course but if I got it right, they
don’t even know how to f***ing cut it! Like, most of the meat pieces were cut
like steaks. FFS people.. There are normally, NORMAL people, who actually shop
and cook their meals, which is the hard way, but from what I saw, the majority
here, choose the easy way.

Secondly, you pay a handful of bucks for
the cleaning lady once per week. And while you wait for the cleaning lady, with
your dirty clothes making a pile on your fancy walking closet, your house
stinks like the horseshit I mentioned. Especially those who have a pet, a dog
or a cat, their houses smell like a stable, at best. A house in which if you
accidentally hit the wall, you’ll open a hole bigger than your punch.

And don’t get me started about paying
someone to do a 1-hour-gardening-job because you are lazy and want to sit in front
of a TV for 1 more hour.

Also, people here spent their time at the
mall. They don’t have what to do, so they go shopping, or window-shopping, or
whatever in a mall. Go fuck yourself at the mall. Go fuck your cat at the mall.
Are you bored?? Go to the mall!!! Don’t you have something interesting to do?
Go to the f-ing mall!!! That’s where you go when you’re bored. That’s what you
do when you have free time. Take your kids to the mall!!!!

That’s all folks, I have 71 more days and a
lot of venom to spit. Stay tuned if you want another sociology lesson.

P.S.
I’m not sorry for the long post.

P.S. Sorry i kept you waiting Kostas. You can take an American potato.