Monday, March 26, 2012

feeling

as of late, all i've been feeling
is guilt, immense guilt,
when i think of my family.

guilty for not coming around.
guilty for not calling.
guilty for not being there.
and ultimately, guilty for
leaving home.

it seems that lately i've turned
into a ghost of a daughter,
a ghost of a sister,
a ghost of a grandchild,
a ghost of a niece.

as of late, all i've been feeling
is torn, completely torn,
when it comes to who i am.

torn between being me
and who they want me to be.
torn between being who i've become
and who they think i am.
and i'm absolutely torn
between my korean culture,
and my american birth.

and then there's this
"nonchalance"
to the things that affect me,
my habit of putting my problems
in the backburner--
I don't think of it,
therefore it does not bother me.
what a lie i keep telling myself.

it seems that, well,
it's most obvious,
that i've forgotten what family is,
that even the most
dysfunctional,
small,
and broken family
is still family
and i must never, ever
forget
what i owe to my roots.

oh, what it is to be korean,
what it means to be filial pious,
what it feels like to have
my culture's values
coursing through my veins
and wage war with my
birthplace's everyday living...
what constant state of inner crisis.