Glyphland

Friday, August 18, 2006

You may remember MGoBlogthrowing in the towel on Maurice Clarett and hilarity after the whole four-loaded-guns-and-a-hatchet incident. Yea, Clarett had crossed the line from amusing failure that continually tainted OSU's reputation to depressing failure that continually tainted OSU's reputation.

Clarett was bankrolled by an alleged member of an Israeli crime organization after leaving Ohio State, ESPN reported. His attorney reportedly told ESPN on Thursday that Clarett, who was arrested by police last week when he refused to pull over after a traffic violation, may have been in possession of firearms to protect himself from mob activity.

The Israeli crime organization? "The Jerusalem Group." Have we stumbled into an episode of South Park? And then there's this gem of a sentence:

Wakine [sic] would later provide Clarett with cash, a BMW, bodyguards, drivers and beachfront lodging in Malibu, ESPN reported, with the understanding that Clarett would reimburse Waknine and also be paid 60 percent of Clarett's rookie contract.

What a fine, enlightening, and wonderful sentence indeed. So Clarett's genius negotiation skills, which you may remember got him a contract that paid him almost no money unless he was league MVP or Secretary-General of the UN, had him promise almost two-thirds of his rookie contract to an Israeli gangster. He then proceeded to sign the aforementioned contract and get cut the moment he showed up at camp, thus turning 60% of something into 60% of zero. Way to not piss off Hasids with guns.

I have a solution for all of this: we need a Clarett reality show. Pay him enough to not get whacked by Israeli gangsters, get him out there on the street and follow him around. Waknine is happy. Clarett is happy. Viewers are happy. Bill Simmons sees the first step towards ESPN 8 taken and is happy.