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Author
Topic: thoughts (Read 7785 times)

A lot of unconnected thoughts (plus grammar and spelling mistakes, sorry about that, English is not my first language)I wrote this first as a word document not sure what to do with it at all.In April some friends suggested to get tested (not for any real reason) .and we all went in as a group. I don?t know why we did it? Maybe because it?s a mature, responsible thing to do. Nobody expected to hit the ?jackpot?. Well I didAnd I don?t know why? I can?t think of any incident and thinking is all I did for the last weeks. How could I have been so stupid, how did it happened anyway. I mean I?m a 28 year old heterosexual woman; the chances of me having sex with somebody who is positive must be pretty slim (why could I not have won a real lottery instead)As I said , I?m 28 years old , I go to university , I live in Germany , we have sex education as early as elementary school , in 6th grade and the whole thing again in 9th grade (at least that?s how it was for me) and still I?m an idiot. My sort of ex came up with this forgiving thing but it?s easy for him, he?s negative. And even that?s difficult, after my test I thought we might be in it together but that?s not the case and he needs to be with someone who he can have a future with not someone who threw her life away. He doesn?t get it, nothing has changed for him and everything has changed for me. He?s the only one who knows. I don?t want to tell anyone. My sister died in an accident when she was little , how can I go to my mother and tell her that she?s going to lose another child and this time it is because that child is too stupid to liveIt?s almost 5 weeks since my test results and I?m still waiting to wake up. I don?t really remember much of that day, I remember going in and everything was ok, I don?t remember who told me or what they told me afterwards. I got some sort of information package and I suppose I should call one of the doctors listed there, just for what, more bad news? They can?t give me my life back. Nobody can Sorry for rambling, I hope it all makes at least a little sense. I?m not sure I make sense anymore

You didn't throw your life away. You had unprotected anal or vaginal intercourse like the rest of us. So what. It's what people do.

It's a fallacy that as a heterosexual woman the chances of you having sex with a positive person are slim. Are you aware that world-wide, there are far more heterosexual people, especially heterosexual women, who are living with hiv? The operative word is LIVING

Hiv is no longer the death sentence it was years ago. With today's meds, you can live a full and productive life. You can have hiv negative children.

You are going to be ok. Hiv isn't a punishment or judgement, it's just a virus. It's a virus that medical science has produced medications to keep in check.

"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

You are going to be fine. You are fortunate to live in a first world country with access to a great medical system and different options when it comes to ARVs. In this day and age we can keep this thing under control and live a life that is virtually like that of most people who are HIV negative.

As Ann said it, you did not throw your life away; you may have made a choice that had consequences, but this is part of being human. What's happening to you doesn't need to be judged or forgiven. You are still the same young, educated woman with a full life ahead of you. Just give yourself a little time to process all of this and adjust to this process.

Again, you will be OK. Stick around; du bist unter Freunden.

Logged

"I have tried hard--but life is difficult, and I am a very useless person. I can hardly be said to have an independent existence. I was just a screw or a cog in the great machine I called life, and when I dropped out of it I found I was of no use anywhere else."

I wish I could get out of my head. I don?t know why I?m so occupied with when and who, it doesn?t change anything. I?m not somebody who jumped from bed to bed but I can?t remember. It?s like my brain is fried or something I don?t know what I want, yesterday I wrote something about my sort of ex. Even that?s changing every hour or so. I don?t want him to be stuck with me and I don?t want him to go. I?m angry at him for being negative and I hate myself for thinking that. He?s doing everything right now, shopping, cooking, cleaning and feeding my rabbits while I can?t seem to get off the couchI wish I would have never taken that test. It?s just unreal how a couple of weeks ago everything was fine. and I was planning my summer holiday I don?t get sick, back in school I was the one who was always be there even when half the class was ill. The last time I had a fever was 3 years ago. I was healthy until that test and it doesn?t make sense. It?s like somebody put a stamp on me for no apparent reason

I wish I would have never taken that test. It?s just unreal how a couple of weeks ago everything was fine. and I was planning my summer holiday

It's great that you were able to find out while you are still healthy; this means that you will be able to remain in good health if you take care of yourself and address the HIV. There are people who find out when they are very sick and end up in the hospital with a couple of T cells and a viral load in the millions.

There is very good universal health care in Germany, you are very lucky. Even in the United States there are many people who have no access to health care and of course in developing countries it's much worse.

You are still young and healthy and you live in a country where you can have excellent health care. You will be fine but you must deal with what sounds like severe depression, that will kill you before anything else does.

Why do you wish you'd never taken the test? Would you have rather found out when you passed your infection on to someone else? Would you have rather found out when your CD4 cells were in the double digits and you were fighting for your life in a hospital bed with PCP or worse?

When it comes to hiv, ignorance is NOT bliss.

You're not sick, you're still healthy as Inch points out. Stop thinking of yourself as sick, that's not going to do any good for your state of mind.

We've all gone through the tough first weeks of discovering your status and learning to come to terms with it. But the majority of us DO come to terms with it and pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off and get back on with the business of living. If we can do it - and some here don't have the kind of access to care and meds that you do in Germany - so can you.

You need to get back to planning your summer holiday. Don't you dare let hiv stop you - there's no need.

Do you know your numbers yet?

Hang in there. It does get better - but you have to want it to get better and start taking step to make that a reality. So plan that holiday!

"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Wiwada, you won't be able to access the Private Message Taboo Princes sent you until you have posted to the forum three times - so you need to post one more time. (This is to stop spammers from becoming members only to send spam via PMs.)

After you post again, you'll see a link under your username at the top of any forum page.

"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Wiwada.Welcome to the forum. I just had a long talk with a mature german old friend. She was trashing a nasty neighbor for being HIV+ and bitter and awful. Then she turned to me and a buddy, both gay, and said of course if it were one of you I would feel differently, but he deserved what he got.I said nothing. Then my german friend calmly explained to her that in fact I was HIV+. Its all about education. It seems that heteros may need a bit more than homos, that's all. Thank your stars you are in Germany and will have access to good health care. Eventually you'll see that its all very manageable.Give your lover a big hug and stay with him, you offer everything he wants at the moment and he to you, too, so there's no reason HIV will make the relationship impossible.Right now you are in shock, but eventually this will settle. You'll finish your degree and have your life and take HIV in stride, as will your friends and lovers. You'll see. I promise you this!

I'm overdosing on icecream . Seems to be the only thing I like to eat right now , everything else I just eat because it's there . I know rationally speaking I should be glad for the whole test thing but it was so nice to live a life without worrying or dark clouds and mental wars . Peaceful I'm still freaked out about the need to find a doctor .That would make it really real . Right now I'm drifting between denial, anger and sadness. I'm afraid of leaving a papertrail , of being seen and ,ultimately , of getting more bad news. And at the same time I'm dreaming of a crashing DC10 airplane with CD4 cells as the unlucky passengers (I slept about 3 hours last night and spend that sleeping time trying to keep the plane from crashing, too much air crash investigation will do that to you)I guess I want to know without really knowing . I sending out mixed messages , I want to be hold but I the moment he (I can't give him a position , I'm still his girlfreind I think but I can't go there mentally, right now he's pretty much neutral) sits down next to me I want to run out of the room

Went to a Eurovision party last night . Really weird situation . Not sure if I wanted to be there but better that to be at home . Everybody was happy and relaxed except for me . I know sharing plates and bottles isn't dangerous but I was clinging to my stuff . I hope that feeling of being one big virus goes away

Ok I?ve done it. I made an appointment with a doctor. (Next Tuesday). One week to go, one week to prepare myself or to freak out and cancel the whole thing. Right know I?m in ?not freak out mood? for a change. I?m thinking of making a list of all the things I need to ask because otherwise I?ll forget everything. So far I thought about these things:

-anxiety, insomnia , to medicate or not to medicate , I took a sleeping pill once during my final exams back in school and I felt like I had a big fog in my head the entire next day. But I really need to sleep

-medication 101 for dummies , I was never very good in biology and the enzymes and transcription stuff makes my head spin and not in a good way

-CD4 count , percentage and viral load , I?m thinking this is the one thing the doctor will surely think of so I don?t know if I should include it on my list as well

-Public transport, many people , limited space, I think I?m developing a public transport phobia

Did I miss something really important or is this a good starting point?

It sounds like a good start. I have one question, maybe a dumb question but: is this doctor somebody who has experience treating HIV?

I'm not sure how your health care system works as far as choosing which doctor you want, etc. but I would just make sure that the doctor you see has experience treating HIV.

After my initial diagnosis I was also very freaked out and I temporarily took some Ativan (generic name: lorazepam) for the anxiety. The pills were .5 mg. and I only took 1/2 at a time so I was taking very little but it did help. Even though this is not a sleeping pill, it does help with sleeping if you take one before bed and it does not produce the grogginess that many sleeping pills do.

He's handling a lot of HIV cases , I got the recommendation from the place that did my test.

Had a pretty bad day today ,as Iím back in ďno test would have been betterĒ mood . And I think Ií could have avoided a lot of my current issues if I would have just been prepared a little better . I canít remember what they told me afterwards during the counselling , the more I try to get there the more blurry it all gets . So , instead of getting from the test to a doctor I spent a month on the sofa . Not the best thing for me emotionally because I had way too much time to think . Itís such a nice and sunny day today and I hate all the people who can enjoy it . I donít know why life is so unfair , why some people never have any problems at all and sail through life and Iím fighting my entire life . I survived the separation of my parents , I survived the rejection of my biological father , I survived the rejection of my stepfather , I survived losing my sister , I survived two years of school bullying , I survived the rumours that I tried to kill myself (I was in therapy because of the school situation), I survived being put in the middle of the divorce of my mother and my stepfather , I survived losing my grandfather (the only person who never had an agenda , he just loved me), I survived the death of my biological father before I had the chance to tell him what I thought about him .I have my doctors appointment on Tuesday and Iím still planning on going but I donít really now why , it doesnít make this any better or survivable , I donít want to be in this situation , donít want to deal with it and Iím just tired of fighting all the time

Sorry for sounding so bleak and for abusing this forum for my own private pity party

Thatís my new name, feels like it anyway. I turned into some numbers. My doctor likes them, I donít really care. Iím not really sure what to make out of my appointment. For him itís so normal and easy. ďTake some pills and itís going to be okĒ line of thinking. Hallo itís never going to be ok so donít tell me itís going to be ok. How can anything be ok if youíve got a ticking time bomb inside your body without a chance of ever getting the thing disarmed? How can anything be ok if itís the first thing you think about in the morning and the last thing before you go to sleep and a subject of your dreams as well? How can anything be ok if you canít stand to see yourself in a mirror because what you see disgusts you?I lost myself and I will never get me back. I lost the life I wanted

Thatís my new name, feels like it anyway. I turned into some numbers. My doctor likes them, I donít really care. Iím not really sure what to make out of my appointment. For him itís so normal and easy. ďTake some pills and itís going to be okĒ line of thinking. Hallo itís never going to be ok so donít tell me itís going to be ok. How can anything be ok if youíve got a ticking time bomb inside your body without a chance of ever getting the thing disarmed? How can anything be ok if itís the first thing you think about in the morning and the last thing before you go to sleep and a subject of your dreams as well? How can anything be ok if you canít stand to see yourself in a mirror because what you see disgusts you?I lost myself and I will never get me back. I lost the life I wanted

I am not trying to minimize the shock of finding out or tell you that you are wrong to feel upset over this. My only recommendation would be to dig deep within yourself for strenght to deal with this. These forums will give you access to many folks who can provide great advice but its really left up to you as to how you approach and deal with things.

We all react to bad news differently and we all have difficult situations we must deal with (even the people you said you hate). A friend of mine once asked me: "are you going to sit there and bitch and cry or are you going to do something about it? Its your choice." Those words were spoken to me over 25 years ago and have stuck with me.

I hope your doctor provides some encouragement. You will also find that being HIV+ will not be the last obstacle in life that is thrown your way. I wish I had been tested earlier instead of when I was almost dead in a hospital with PCP Pneumonia. Personally, I choose to fight this and the healing process is already taking place. I said healed .... not cured (yet). There is a difference. Best wishes from me to you!

We all react to bad news differently and we all have difficult situations we must deal with (even the people you said you hate). A friend of mine once asked me: "are you going to sit there and bitch and cry or are you going to do something about it? Its your choice." Those words were spoken to me over 25 years ago and have stuck with me.

No it is not! I have recently lost two friends to cancer because there were no meds that could keep them alive. Being + is not the best thing but there are a lot worse things that you could be sick with.Peace,Billy

Reaction to the results is difffernt for everyone, but over time you will find a way of coping with the virus that suits you and it might be quite differnt from how others deal with it.

No one here will ever tell you it's easy, but it's ok to get angry or to be scared, just don't let it take over your life, stress is natural it can actually help some of us get through certain situations but excessive stress can cause you physical symptoms and can damage your immune system even further, try and find ways to manage any stress you may be feeling, learn to relax and listen to your body.

Along with HIV comes anxiety and one way of tackling this is through information. gaining confidence in yourself and making informed decisions about your future.

Support is very important and you can get this from a qualified ID doctor, I see you have been to see a Doc alredy so that's good, talk to family and friend that you feel you can trust, check out any support organizations that may be close to you ...just remember make sure whoever you discuss your diagnosis with is sympathetic,supporting and non judgmental about your HIV status.

Most important of all you have to remember that being HIV+ does not top you from being the person you were before your dianosis.

Wiwada you can't see just how lucky you are. There are so many people with HIV who do not get diagnosed early enough and they find out when they have already become very sick; there are countless others who have no access to health care and to the life-saving medications. As mentioned before, even in the United States there are many people who have no health care and there are currently over 1000 people on waiting lists for HIV meds.

I live in the US and I currently have insurance but I could lose it at any time. I would love to live in Europe or Canada or Australia, where I'd be able to move on with my life without the worry about how to get my very expensive HIV meds constantly hanging over my head.

You have found out about HIV early enough that your immune system is still in good shape and you live in a country where you have access to high quality health care and to the latest in HIV medications. Your doctor is right, if you monitor your health and you start your meds at the appropriate time you will be just fine.

It might not be a bad idea for you to go see a mental health professional. At least on this thread you are showing clear signs of classic depression. It's OK for you to come on here and vent, we do understand this is all new to you but try to have some perspective about what's going on because the only one you are hurting and sabotaging is yourself.

I spent some time thinking and I came to the conclusion that my biggest obstacle is not HIV but me . I lived my life trying to be the good girl , trying to live up to everybodies expectations , never bothering anyone . Donít make a fuss , itís better to be seen and not to be heard. Now I fear that once this is out everybody is going to see what a fraud this person is . The person I tried so hard to be simply doesnít exist and I donít know who this person really is. Itís like I need to proof my right to exist every day and this is so time and energy consuming . And right now I need that energy just for me but after being the good girl for everyone there is not much of it left for me

"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

I spent some time thinking and I came to the conclusion that my biggest obstacle is not HIV but me . I lived my life trying to be the good girl , trying to live up to everybodies expectations , never bothering anyone . Donít make a fuss , itís better to be seen and not to be heard. Now I fear that once this is out everybody is going to see what a fraud this person is . The person I tried so hard to be simply doesnít exist and I donít know who this person really is. Itís like I need to proof my right to exist every day and this is so time and energy consuming . And right now I need that energy just for me but after being the good girl for everyone there is not much of it left for me

The only person you have to answer to is yourself. Sometimes successfully battling the mental aspect of having HIV requires putting yourself first and forgetting about others.

In a way youíre right about the good girls donít get HIV thing. Iíve never thought about it , HIV was something for gay men , drug addicts , prostitutes and people in Africa. I donít even own one of those red ribbons and I still think I should be posting in the family section or start my sentences with ďA good friend of mineĒ. Maybe it's poetic justice or something.To be honest I have no idea how I made it through the last 2 -2 1/2 months. I know I gave up too much control over my life to a tiny virus, I wish I could take it back but Iím not sure how . Maybe this sounds a bit schizophrenic but right now the virus doesnít want me to go on vacation . Back in march before everything, I was planning to go sailing with a couple of friends. I love sailing and the sea ,itís just that Iím afraid of being on a boat with a bunch of people and no escape route . My boyfriend (he decided to stick around so I might as well call him that again) thinks I should tell them about my diagnosis on sea , they canít run , I canít run and we might as well talk it through then. On paper that sounds like an ok idea . On paper , other people have tiny devils on their shoulders , I have a virus sitting there telling me how much of a disaster this is going to be . And by disaster I donít mean the iceberg induced kind of disaster

"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

In a way youíre right about the good girls donít get HIV thing. Iíve never thought about it , HIV was something for gay men , drug addicts , prostitutes and people in Africa. I donít even own one of those red ribbons and I still think I should be posting in the family section or start my sentences with ďA good friend of mineĒ. Maybe it's poetic justice or something.To be honest I have no idea how I made it through the last 2 -2 1/2 months. I know I gave up too much control over my life to a tiny virus, I wish I could take it back but Iím not sure how . Maybe this sounds a bit schizophrenic but right now the virus doesnít want me to go on vacation . Back in march before everything, I was planning to go sailing with a couple of friends. I love sailing and the sea ,itís just that Iím afraid of being on a boat with a bunch of people and no escape route . My boyfriend (he decided to stick around so I might as well call him that again) thinks I should tell them about my diagnosis on sea , they canít run , I canít run and we might as well talk it through then. On paper that sounds like an ok idea . On paper , other people have tiny devils on their shoulders , I have a virus sitting there telling me how much of a disaster this is going to be . And by disaster I donít mean the iceberg induced kind of disaster

Sweetheart, you need to wake up to yourself.

If the biggest thing you have to fret about is whether or not you should go sailing with your friends then frankly you've got precious little to kvetch about.

You have had two and half months to wallow in self pity, now is the time to get on with things.

You have HIV. So do 33 million other people. Deal with it and get on with your comparatively comfortable and privileged life and be grateful that you have the choices available to you that you do.

To be honest I have no idea how I made it through the last 2 -2 1/2 months.

Wiwanda,

Hey there, looks like you're going through a rough start, which is totally normal for a lot of people. It's going to take effort on your part to get through this, when this begins is up to you though. A good start, like Ann suggested, is to forget about HIV for a while and take this boat ride and enjoy everything it has to offer. Wouldn't you agree it's time for a little break?

In a way youre right about the good girls dont get HIV thing. Ive never thought about it , HIV was something for gay men , drug addicts , prostitutes and people in Africa. I dont even own one of those red ribbons and I still think I should be posting in the family section or start my sentences with A good friend of mine. Maybe it's poetic justice or something.

So because you lacked knowledge about people who lived with HIV you followed ideas that help strengthen the stigma you now find yourself victim of. What's sad is you're imposing these beliefs upon yourself, you must stop this.

My boyfriend thinks I should tell them about my diagnosis on sea , they cant run , I cant run and we might as well talk it through then. On paper that sounds like an ok idea . On paper , other people have tiny devils on their shoulders , I have a virus sitting there telling me how much of a disaster this is going to be . And by disaster I dont mean the iceberg induced kind of disaster

As suggested give yourself a break. You owe nobody nothing, but you do need to be good to yourself. Telling people something you have yet accepted yourself will not do you any good. And why do they need to know in the first place? It's not like you have Eboli or something. You pose no risk to them unless you get to the last life preserver first if the boat sinks.

You need to stop this because you are doing yourself more harm than good. GO OUT ON THAT BOAT RIDE SISTER!! Cut yourself some slack and tell your boyfriend you want to forget about the HIV for now and will look into possibly disclosing to others when you are comfortable doing so.

If you play your cards right and you monitor the HIV and go on meds when the time comes you are very likely to be able to continue your life rather normally with no major complications. This is what can happen when a person finds out early enough that they have HIV and they have access to good healthcare.

Wiwada, Guten Tag. I apologize that my Deutsche is rather limited so I can only say good day. Life does not always allow us to choose our challenges. Life only allows us to choose if we will overcome them. The fact that you go to University indicates that you work hard and set high standards for yourself. Let HIV be no different. I encourage you to set a standard of having a healthy life and living a long time. Your numbers suggest that you are well on your way to doing so.

Logged

Don't obsess over the wrong things. Life isn't about your numbers, it isn't about this forum, it isn't about someone's opinion. It's about getting out there and enjoying it. I am a person with HIV - not the other way around.

I just got done reading through your posts and while the initial reaction to the diagnosis can be rough for sure - you are way ahead of the curve. You seem strong, driven, ambitious, intelligent. You can use these things to your benefit as a positive person. You can control this disease and, as crazy as it sounds, use it as an opportunity to become an even better you. Make being a positive a positive in your life. If anyone can do it, you can.

Do I believe what I am saying to you? Absolutely. You are in the rare position of being someone who can be a bright light to others regardless of whether they are positive or negative and regardless of whether they know your status or not. If you let all of your abilities shine through and be a part of your response to being positive you will see that your life has just begun and will see your condition as something that adds to your value and does not in anyway take away from it.

I look forward to hearing more from you. Welcome to the Forum Family.- Phil

wanted to offer you a word of support, as someone in somewhat similar circumstances. I am near your age, male heterosexual. Also had a very small number of partners over last 10 years and happened to pick up HIV from a friend of a friend (who appeared to be a sweet college student) with who I had a one-time stand a few years ago. So totally hit the lottery - one sexual encounter and picked up HIV.

I discovered the new this March and spent the next few months learning about the disease. What I found made me relatively comfortable - current drugs are very good, one pill a day will keep your HIV suppressed (which will also make you effectively non infections, conditional on a number of other factors, read about the "Swiss Statement").

People today live normal lives with HIV and if you start treatment early enough, have the same life expectancy as HIV-.