Find an abandoned barn and weave excessive amounts of string lights through the rafters until you’re satisfied with your oversized altar to fall. Heavily drink warm bourbon out of mason jars while swathed in a L.L. Bean Hudson Bay blanket and start a small bonfire using J. Crew catalogs as kindling. Sacrifice your favorite plaid scarf to the hungry flames to ensure more Instagram followers.

- - -

Make mulled wine in your bathtub because no other vessel is large enough.

- - -

Cover yourself in bubble wrap and pop its soothing spheres as you feel triggered throughout the night, the one instance you can get away with your cathartic Halloween “costume.”

- - -

Arrange your prescription pill bottles in a woven cornucopia to truly celebrate the emotional bounty of the season.

- - -

Make fall trail mix out of an assortment of gin airplane bottles to complement the crisp, pine-scented air.

- - -

Purchase a well-meaning, solid crockpot. Make nothing but crockpot recipes you frequently post to your Facebook feed. Confer with the crockpot. Trust the crockpot. Fill your crockpot with secrets. Go on a weekend jaunt with your crockpot. Introduce your crockpot to family and friends. Abscond with the crockpot because it’s the only thing that understands you.

- - -

Spray paint a pumpkin an unnatural color. Chuckle at its oddity, then silently stare at it for several seconds. Leave it to decay on the front porch with all the other misshapen gourd castoffs and freaks.

- - -

Make an autumnal bouquet out of flowers from your surrounding neighbors’ property. Admit nothing.

- - -

Arrange wine corks in a pumpkin shape and add felt leaves and a sprig of twine to the stem. Admire the tangibility of your alcoholism.

- - -

Fill an empty tall candle votive up halfway with popcorn kernels as a nod to the indigenous people who were forced off the land so your condo (and in-ground pool with jacuzzi!) could exist.