11/6/01

Ive been having a really screwed up time lately. Monday I woke up for school at
7, went to the bathroom as usual and just stopped. I stood there for a while
and thought to myself, "why do I do this every day?". I couldn't come up with a
good enough answer so I just went back to my bed and slept. I went to school
today, but I really didn't want to.
I know im doing this for my future, so I can be a programmer and not have to
spend 12 hours a day in the hot sun trimming trees, getting poison ivy,
sunburns like I did so many summers ago. I would come home, collapse in my
chair and just lay there until it was time to sleep. But, I couldn't sleep the
poison ivy made me itch and the sunburns hurt so bad. I told myself, god I
don't want to spend the rest of my life doing something like this for $300 a
week. I want a job where i can sit under the ac and not have to worry about my
body getting injured.
But, it seems so far away. I dont see the connection between school and my
dream job. I can spend all day writing programs, but what is the point if I
never get to use them for something important. I feel useless.
I'm getting bored playing computer games, im getting bored going to school,
people are boring.
Why am I alive. I could be dead now and I would not care.
I heard on the news about a nuclear threat. I imagined what it would feel like
if the sirens went off and whatever show I was watching on TV suddenly changed
to a serious message about the nuclear missiles launched at the US and 5
minuites till everything explodes. I imagined looking out the window and seeing
people running around in terror as a massive fireball consumed them. Finally,
the fire reached me and I was consumed as well. Everything was painful for a
few seconds, all I could see was red, then it was all gone....everything.
It would feel good for everything to just go away, or me go away from
everything. No more homework to worry about, bad traffic, painful sleep, people
who hate me, people I dont understand, worrying about future, if my parents
respect me, if I have friends, eternal sleep.

Its been three weeks since ive had beer. 4 months since ive meditated. at least
a year since ive had a cigarette. A year since ive talked intimatly with a
woman, or thought I had a girlfriend. I cant remember the last time I left the
house for fun and not for school or gas. A week since ive had a good nights
sleep. I started drinking caffene again a week or two ago. I havent had any
speed for a year now. I havent had more than two weeks break from school in
more than a year. Always something I must do or worry about.

I am really starting to think I cant be happy without at least alcohol. Sure, I
can live just fine, maybe ever act like any other normal type person. But on
the inside ill just be falling apart. Just like now.

I could totally withdraw from everything. Drop school, this life. and go live
at the land near the lake, where there is no one for a mile. And several miles
to the nearest city. I could live there in perfect solitude spending my days
doing whatever feels right.

God, I dont know if ill be able to carry on tomorrow. It seems so pointless.
Usually, when I get this low, something will pick me up, at least enough to
continue. I would laugh to myself and realize im just spitting out garbage and
feel a little optimism towards the future. I dont feel it though, where is it?