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Sunday, August 3, 2014

Moments of Pain

The question is.. Do you talk about that painful moment, that moment that your heart is laying on the floor bleeding. Or do you let it lie silently on the floor bleeding telling only a few. I guess I am choosing to share my hurting heart with you.

I don't want to talk on the phone which is weird for me. I just want silence but my mind is screaming. It is howling with pain. It along with my poor heart does not understand. Many won't understand why it hurts so much. A loss such as this.

A miscarriage. 8 weeks 2 days. A baby lost.

Why is it called a miscarriage. Such a random word that does not explain the hurt that goes with that word. When you tell people. You say. "I lost the baby." like you misplaced it.

I told my beautiful children that God took our new baby to be with him. That Lola and Papa needed a grandbaby with them. That seems to satisfy their little hearts. God needed the baby. Okay.

I wish my heart could be so simply assuaged. My heart just plain aches. It feels like it has been ripped from my body, and then put back because I have these children that God left with me.

How do you explain to someone who has not experienced this, how exactly horrible it feels. Physically your body is hurting, a mini birth. Your mind and heart though... No words can describe their pain.

This is our fifth miscarriage. It hurts no less this time than it did the first time. It feels if I don't walk slowly, and talk quietly I might break into a thousand pieces.

I won't say I don't have moments where I am okay. When I am watching one of my children, church today and praying and being with God. But most of those moments where I seem fine. I am screaming inside.