Ahhh lists. Things. In order. As old as humanity. For instance, did you know that the first cave pantings were actually a list of How You Know You’re a 40,000s BC Kid? Technically it was a drawing of a pig or something, but I can read between the pig-like features: lists are sweet. They take a basic, easy to understand premise, and heave ideas at it, repeatedly and endlessly so we can flicker our chemically numb attention spans long enough to remember an episode of Doug and feel slightly less alone on this wretched, spinning orb.

Anyway, here’s a list!

THOM CROWLEY MAKES LISTS

THOM CROWLEY’S _ MOST LIKELY CA– USES OF DEATH

Keeping with the upbeat vibe of this whole thing, I thought I’d let everyone know what I’ve scientifically determined are the top 12 ways I’m most likely going to die.

“But Thom with an h,” you’re thinking, “What about me, Dear Reader?” Well shut up, Dear Reader. Everything doesn’t have to be about you. Also it’s pretty messed up to make fun of my name when yours isn’t even an actual name because I made you up. Very disappointed in you/us.

Anyway, these are the ways I’m most likely to shuffle off this mortal coil: