Megan Fox Should Be Wonder Woman

David E. Kelley, creator of Ally McBeal, The Practice and Boston Legal, is reportedly creating a Wonder Woman show for The CW after attempts by Joss Whedon and others to get a movie made fizzled out because we’re talking about a chesty beast who demands a full hour each week to run around in slow-motion. And maybe fight crime. (I honestly still don’t know what the character does.) Provided David doesn’t deviate from that sacrosanct Lynda Carter formula and instead churns out another lame teen drama to replace Smallville, there’s no way in hell anyone but Megan Fox should play this role. Here’s why:

I know most of you think I’m too busy jet-skiing with models to watch cartoons – which I am – but after losing a MMA fight to a panther, I happened to accidentally watch this thing thinking it was Heavy Metal, a film made by and for men who believe breasts are intergalactic beings capable of enslaving men with their space-magic. But science aside, if you get a chance to watch Wonder Woman, you’ll spend the entire time thinking, “Wow, they drew her to look like exactly Megan Fox,” as you quickly realize the shit works. And how. I couldn’t care less about Wonder Woman, and I actually sat there enjoying this thing until I was fanned to sleep by Nubian princesses. Also, nothing would bring me more pleasure than seeing Megan Fox reduced to the inescapable career jail known as The CW. Anyone see Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li starring Kristin Kreuk? Ha! Of course not because I’m pretty sure I just made that up.

In the meantime, E! News compiled a list of contenders to run around in star-spangled underwear – Please for the love of God, don’t go with the new Jim Lee outfit. – so allow me to shoot some of them down because just by writing words on the Internet, they become unquestionable facts:

Evangeline Lilly: Evangeline is actually leading E!’s poll, but c’mon, let’s be realistic. She’s way too short to play an Amazon warrior with giant chesticles. Yes, I know, all the Kate episodes of Lost were the best, but if we start letting Wonder Woman have freckles, the next thing you know Superman has a speech impediment. I won’t have it!

Leighton Meester: Three words: Not. Blake. Lively.

Erica Durance: Considering she already plays Lois Lane on The CW’s Smallville, I can see this happen, but mammaries aside, Erica doesn’t really say Wonder Woman to me as much as future Playboy model if I close my eyes, wish really hard and use the power of the media to destroy her career and leave her with no options. (It’s for the best.)

Eliza Dushku: Age is not being kind to this one. There, I said it.

Ashley Greene: I’d actually allow this. She’s got a certain hotness to her and seems to spend a lot of time in the gym. Can’t act for shit, but then again, I’m touting Megan Fox who got fired from a part that only required her to run from pretend robots and wear a tank top.

Thanks for indulging me on this one. Every once in a while it’s nice to let the little nerd out and, no, I’m not talking about that time on the subway. That was expunged!

UPDATE: Several of you have floated the idea of Katy Perry in the comments which makes sense from a purely breastalogical standpoint, but I’m pretty sure Wonder Woman doesn’t intimidate her foes using Zooey Deschanel-esque glances. Although, again, my only understanding of the character is that she wears underwear as her regular clothes, so I could be wrong.