Tuesday, 11 February 2014

A Cautionary Tale of Technology

In these days of superior technology and having the world at our finger tips it has never been easier to let the world (or that certain person) know that you are thinking about them. But with great power, comes great responsibility and also the opportunity for great embarrassment. Let me tell you a cautionary tale of how technology backfired in the face of a young man called Steve.

Once upon a time there was a young man named Steve. Steve was tall and bearded with a thick head of hair and a pension for kebabs. On a cool winters evening Steve stood out the front of a kebab store on King Street at 3am contemplating his life when out of no where a bleary eyed Miss K stumbled upon him. She fixed her eyes first on his beard and as her gaze travelled down his body she spied the piece de resistance, a lamb kebab that was glittering in oil and dripping with garlic sauce. Not being one to beat around the bush Miss K approached the bearded Steve and dazzled him with the following line "I'm going to touch your beard and then I am going to eat your kebab and you aren't going to Stop Me". Bearded Steve was so taken a back by this forward speaking Miss K that he begged to go home with her. Sadly for Steve (and possibly lucky for Miss K), Miss K had to be up for work at 6am the next morning so politely refused his advances. As compensation she did how ever give him her phone number and they lived their respective lives happily ever after.

If that was where the story ended this wouldn't be a very good cautionary tale and it would appear that young Steve threw caution to the wind when using the number that Miss K Gave him. These days with someone's phone number you can stalk them to the supreme, text messaging, calling and Snap Chatting and a bit of sneaky Facebooking as well if they have their number linked to their profile and he used all of these methods to his stalking advantage to try and turn me around or turn me on or all of the above.

So where did he go wrong? I'm going to place the blame solely on Snap Chat. I've written about it before but sending pics of your mummy daddy region takes a lot of guts and confidence in what you've got going on and it would appear that poor Steve has some misguided confidence on this occasion. See he had talked the good talk up until the point and got me interested. He flashed around a few beard pictures and while I was imagining caressing his face beanie he sent me another snap of his emerging "hoodie".

Technology has removed the mystery from sexual intercourse. I've said it before but I'll say it again. To me all men are like Ken dolls, just a bit of a plastic bulge inside a pair of plastic knicker and this image stays with me until the specimen is for better or worse presented in my face. Getting it Snap Chatted to you before hand is like having X-Ray vision when going to pick the lucky dip at the show. If you can see what you are going to get why would you pick the smallest thinnest toy?

See back in my day, you would exchange a few raunchy texts, maybe some tiny pixalated photos of some indecipherable skin and claim it as your bits and then actually catch up with each other to see their "skin" in person. There was still a bit of mystery and romance. Sometimes, yeah, you didn't get exactly what you were expecting and it made you learn the valuable lesson that you cant judge a book by its cover. Just because someone is 6'6 and a pro basketballer doesn't mean that they will have the equipment comparative to their size.

Sex should be like a mixed lolly bag or a lucky dip, you shouldn't know what you are going to get until you've actually gotten it home and taken the wrapping off and if young Steve had have left it in the lolly wrapper his story may have been a bit different. I didn't like what I saw in lolly bag so chose not to purchase it, he totally cheated himself out of the chance to prove that looks can be deceiving.

So kids, take Steves story as a warning, unless you have yourself a Dirk Diggler keep your lolly wrapped and give that girl an opportunity to be disappointed in the flesh. Don't be scared of technology because technology isn't scared of you, use it to your advantage but maybe keep the snap chats to pictures of your food and your good hair days.