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Ex does it again, hurts DS.

It's DS birthday tomorrow. He is having a party at home with some family (some of the ex-in-laws and my family) and a few friends from school.

This is a big deal for DS he has Aspergers' Syndrome and a few other learning issues. He actually has some friends attending <happy dance> I am so pleased for him. Socially things are really difficult for him. It is also school holidays, and the ex wh had previously advised he was 'unavailable' yet again to have the kids during his designated time.

Anyway the ex emails today saying I know you have probably already made plans, but I am now off work for the rest of the week so I can see the kids if that works with you. Now I don't have to let him see the kids, it's in the courts stating if he is unavailable he forfeits this time. So I reorganise a few things and let him know when he can see the kids for the kids benefit so I thought anyway. He agrees to what I proposed in the emails.

Anyway I also let him know he was welcome to come to DS birthday party. I didn't want him there but was willing to put the differences aside for 2 hours for the sake of DS.

When the exwh phoned tonight, DS got the courage up to ask his Dad to come to the party. Ex replies oh I can't make it I have something else on. So I will see you after the party has finished at the agreed time.

DS is now shattered again.

Seriously I was willing to put a smile on face and welcome him into my home to make DS happy. Whatever his loss. I just hate when he continues to break DS heart again.

suckstobeme posted 10/2/2013 05:12 AM

I'm sorry. Your ex is a complete ass. He obviously has no conscience and no shame over the fact that some members of his family are making the effort for his son's birthday while he can't be bothered to do the same.

At the same time, remember this and use it as your motivation to never offer to include him in any special occasions for DS again. He doesn't deserve it, he won't ever take advantage of the offer, and it only hurts DS in the end.

Have a great party and enjoy DS's happiness.

SBB posted 10/2/2013 08:39 AM

"I have something else on". Really - that was the best he could come up with? FFS. Ouch.

Oh man. I couldn't have him in my home. No way. I couldn't be in his. No way, no how. I get trying to reduce the impact to kids but the cost of that is too high for me.

My girls are little so they don't know any different. I have had questions and my response was accepted. "No sweetie, that is your dad's party for you - we'll have our party when you are home again". They are also pretty easy to distract with talk of what is happening at our party.

Is he not doing anything for DS's birthday? Is your party for him on his actual birthday?

I'm sorry friend. I know it is hard but you have to try to push your pain/anger away for a while and focus on trying to help your son navigate through this. I know you're doing that - what I mean is try to focus on that rather than what X is doing. You will never understand it. It will never make sense to you.

For my own situation separate parties is the best for everyone involved. As someone here pointed out to me there isn't a kid on earth who would complain about two parties. If he wasn't doing anything at all? That would burn my mamma heart.

My girls share their disappointments with me. Things like never having 1:1 time with their dad, him always being on the computer or phone etc. As hard as it is I keep my own feelings about it to myself and I just hear them out and try to help them work through it. I don't tell stories to soften the blow or make him out to be better or worse than he is. This is something they will unfortunately have to learn themselves - not from me.

((Bluebird26))

sparkysable posted 10/2/2013 09:25 AM

Don't ever invite him to anything ever again. He has shown what is important to him.

I can relate. For DD's 1st birthday, back when IL's were still speaking to me, THEY had a 1st b-day party for DD. The party started at 2pm. XWH said he would be there. I then found out from his co-worker that he was going to a wedding 2 hours away that same day, so I was ready for him to either:

1.) back out
2.) leave the party early.

That morning, he texts me saying that he was so sick of my behavior that he wasn't going to come to DD's party, (that HIS family was putting on) and that it was MY FAULT!

I was like "Really? Have fun at the wedding tonight!" He was like "huh?". But I knew, and he knew that I knew.

Then, I told his family, at the party, "did you know that he is going to a wedding in the southern tier tonight with the OW?" Needless to say, they did NOT know that. They were horrified. And I wasn't lying, I had details, when where, what time, etc. and they knew it.

After that, they all stopped talking to me. THEIR son/brother/cousin chooses a wedding with the OW over his DD's 1st b-day party, and they stop talking to ME. It makes no sense. But maybe it's easier for them to stick their heads in the sand and not have to face the truth about their son/brother/cousin.

But it taught me one thing, and that was that I can NOT play nice with him, and that obviously DD was not a priority to him, and that put an end to me involving him in any more than I legally have to.

Your ex is a arsehole Wow, these 'parents' who put anything, even a damn haircut, before their kids.....

My STBX saw our DD for 20 mins on her 7th birthday - he had to 'rush off' to be with OW who'd just returned from a cruise. Their reunion was more important than our little girl's birthday.

Glad your little one had a good day!

jackfish posted 10/3/2013 09:53 AM

Guys, I know how you feel. Here's one for ya. Since stbxw left in Aug (to have the freedom to live the barf fantasy with Loser without me and son getting in her way), she and I agree that I'll send her all the son's schedule's, info on funding he needs, anything important regarding those things. One thing was a sporting schedule cuz she "really wants to see him play". The farce is, that she thinks she is this great Mom by finding time to see her son play. OK, so I give her the season schedule, and even text her about the upcoming week regarding his activities (I'm in No/Limited Contact). Anyway, she hasn't seen him play this one particular sport yet, so last Saturday there is a tournament that SHE KNEW ABOUT. She wasn't there. Hmm? I thought. I didn't ask her but found out yesterday that she made the 5 hour trek to spend the weekend, plus took a day off work Monday, to be with Loser and his teenage daughter (she's playing wonderful surrogate Mom to this girl...pathetic and sad).

THAT WAS IT!! I was Mr. Nice guy, helping her along keeping her up-to-date with son's events and the like. Everything from what he needs, what we need to buy him, where he's going (trips, etc). And for what????? She don't care unless it's convenient for her. I don't care if you miss his stuff. but when you make it sound like it's so hard to get away from work and other excuses, fine. I'll buy that. but when a perfect opportunity comes along but she spends 3 days over there on this fantasy!!!??? Straw that broke the camel's back. Oh, but wait, there's more! She uses Facetime (phone to phone app) to parent her son, and tells him how she had to work. LIE LIE LIE. And posting sappy garbage on Facebook, you know those share thingy's you put on your wall. One's like My Son Means the World TO Me, bla bla. And getting her unbeknownst FB Friends to "Like" it. "Poor poor Mrs. Jackfish", she so misses her son. Such a great Mom." Oh if everyone knew the 100% truth of this evil being. She justifies her Motherly absence by getting affirmations from social media and phone apps!?!? My son ain't falling for her corny ways though. And he doesn't even know about affair yet!

What the hell happened to this girl I fell in love with and loved, cared for, and shared life with for 24 years. Absolutely stunning. The ""Fog"" must be a brain disease, seriously.

Hypocrite, narcissist, bitch!

jackfish posted 10/3/2013 10:05 AM

Sorry, just want to add a little something to my last post. Why can't the WS just come right out and say to their kids (especially Teens), "I won't be around to parent you because I had a facebook fling and betrayed you and your Dad, and had to meet with this guy from 5 hours away and start fucking him. We found hotels, other people's house, wherever we could. So that is why I missed *blank* weekends last spring when you thought I was doing *blank*. So when your Dad found out in summer, I decided to leave the house to do whatever I want. So I doubt I'll be around much in the future to be at your functions, to feed you, nurture you, cheer you on, have those Mom-Son talks, watch you grow into a man, etc etc. Cuz I'm so in love with this super amazing man who confirms that your Dad is an asshole and he's going to provide me with a great new life for me and your future Step-sister."