I think for me it is fun and nice to share family names (whether first or middle) ahead of time because nobody can really argue with them. For example if you say her name is Molly after my grandmother nobody can really say "ugh, Molly sounds like a ______name". Because its your grandmother's name.

However I don't see that it is useful to share names that are purely a matter of personal taste with people who have different taste. I made the mistake of telling my mother Ramona's name (I had always told lots of people that we were planning on using Mae after my great-grandmother in the middle spot). She told the whole family, who tactfully (thank God), tried to talk me out of it from about Christmas until Ramona was born in late March. Not useful, and it is annoying to have to explain over and over again why you don't want to name your child Emma or Claire or whatever that person's favorite is. You end up having to defend your own taste and find a way of tactfully putting down someone else's for no reason.

Now we have already told people that if this baby is a boy his first name will be Bruce. That is my husband's dad's name. He died when DH was 17 and my beloved still misses him terribly. He was a good and kind man and a loving father. Nobody else gets to imply that we shouldn't name our son after him. So its easy. We can say "if its a boy it will be Bruce after Matt's dad" and people keep their thoughts to themselves .

We are pregnant with #1 but I'm hesistant to share our ideas with family for this main reason: I really really want to do all middle names after our parents (both sides) and DH seems to be on board. So we've been working with combos.
BUT, there's a little bit of a tricky factor here: if we discuss all the possibilties that include honor names, there could be a slight sting when the picked name ends up being on one side or the other. Only because the suggestion has already been there beforehand that the honor name might come from your "own" side. Does that make sense? (BTW, our parents are all gracious and like each other, so it's not a family rivalry issue. Just a natural human tendency, IMO.)

EG: our current top girl names are MagnoliaIrene (mn is my mom) and AnnelieseDeborah (mn is MIL). If we mentioned this to anyone, the side we DON'T go with might feel just a little bit hurt or disappointed once the choice is made. However, I feel like if it is a surprise, then everyone will be fine with it and excited, and probably will just guess or assume that "the next one" will be balanced.

(Yes, and I'm still working thru this, but this is the current idea: if the first is after my mom, the second has to be after his mom or dad, and vice versa. I feel like I'm making a bit of a concession with this, as I love my parents' names and think they are easier to use as mns in general with first names we like. I don't like the thought that if we only have one boy, say, I won't get to use my dad's name ever...but I think it would feel a little unfair to everyone if it was all tilted. Plus, I love my in-laws and do want to honor them. OTOH, you can argue that all the kids are getting their name b/c of the surname...!)

Or, for example, Anneliese is a family name that would be really special to my mom if we used it...but I haven't mentioned that to her because if DH doesn't get on board 100% and we don't use it, then I think some part of her would be sad that we didn't, after the idea had been planted. You know? Even if she likes the name we end up choosing and wouldn't have been sad otherwise.

Anyway, this is a lot of details about my particular situation, but there's a general principle here: if you do discuss/announce names ahead of time that include honor names and family names, isn't there a lot of potential for family members to be hurt when their names or the names of those closest to them end up NOT being chosen? Has anyone experienced this?

I also like the idea of waiting til after the birth to announce because 1) it seems more momentous and exciting. 2) I'm a somewhat indecisive person and can picture changing my mind in a few months. So it feels better just to have it between DH and I and mull over the name a bit. (But I do like getting some outside perspective, which is why nameberry is so helpful!) 3) I'm a bit old fashioned about wanting a surprise...still haven't decided if we will also keep the gender a surprise, too.

I feel like everyone has an opinion, so I would probably keep it to just my husband and I. Maybe my mom, if she promises not to tell. I always go back and forth because I want people to like the name I choose. For instance, in a perfect world if my husband liked Beatrix as much as I do, I would probably tell a few people to hear their opinions. Where I live, it's a name that isn't heard of and people consider it to be similar to Beatrice, which they see as an old lady name. I love them both but I would want to know what people think before I name my child something that people wont like. They will have to say her name for her whole life so if I choose something unique I want to make sure it's usable. I wish I lived somewhere where Beatrix was more common but literally nobody has heard of it here. Anway, my usable favorite, Emilia, I know is heard of/more popular so I would have no problem naming a girl that without asking for opinions. Do you know what I mean?

Anyway, this is a lot of details about my particular situation, but there's a general principle here: if you do discuss/announce names ahead of time that include honor names and family names, isn't there a lot of potential for family members to be hurt when their names or the names of those closest to them end up NOT being chosen? Has anyone experienced this?

Hubby and I went through this. We solved it by using a FN from his side and a MN from my side. I was worried about the same thing though, sharing potential names and then having a let-down feeling when we announced baby's actual name. For that reason, I only discussed potential names with my mom and my husband before hand (and on places like Nameberry.) BTW, it does get easier in one sense if you want to use family names: after you have the first child it is much more difficult to find a name you like, your husband likes, fits with your last name, honors a family member, and compliments your other child's name too! Our list is MUCH shorter the second time around, which makes it much less stressful IMO. We don't even have the luxury of doing one name from each side because of all the other factors we are considering. So make sure to consider future children when you name your first! A bouncing, healthy new baby and safe delivery for mom trumps all, I promise. If there is any disappointment, it will be short-lived!

Your parents will like the name that you have chosen. It's their grandkid. But they shouldn't have input. They got to name you. Now it's your turn.

Now, I didn't have a girl name chosen, so I did end up discussing names with my mom in the hospital once I had her. She hates pretty much every name that I like. But they are fine with Bea now that they've seen the name in practice. They even buy her bee things all the time. (Most recent: a bee-shaped pancake flipper. I am not making that up. It actually exists!) But in the hospital, she was making faces and saying that I couldn't name her Daphne because my dad has a coworker named that, etc. I'm not eliminating names based on some woman my dad worked with a decade ago. Ridiculous.