Friday, June 20, 2014

So I guess it has been months since I last did this thing called blogging.

There are reasons...

Many reasons.

But basically, I didn't feel like writing. I didn't feel like I had anything worth saying. So I didn't say anything.

But that is not all.

There has also been a struggle going on in my heart. One that I hesitate to write about, but I feel prompted to share. So I'm going to get vulnerable.

Before Mr. T and I had Sweet P, we struggled to get pregnant. I kind of hate using the word struggled, because compared to some women, ours was not much of a struggle. But according to the Dr.s, there was no rhyme or reason why I should not be getting pregnant. I just wasn't. Eventually, I was put on fertility meds, and 2 rounds later along came our daughter.

During my pregnancy and even afterwards, I was confident that getting pregnant and having a child would somehow 'right' my body, and having baby 2 would be easy. But it didn't happen.

This is where I struggle to speak about this journey. I am thankful to the moon and back for our Sweet P, and see God's blessings on Mr. T and I by giving her to us. But there is still that sadness that lurks in the corners of my heart, wanting another child that I cannot seem to have. I do not want to seem ungrateful, or have a complaining spirit. There are women out there who have miscarriage, after miscarriage, or have tried everything and still cannot get pregnant and my heart BREAKS for them. I have never experienced that and would never compare my story to theirs. My story is my own, and I recognize that God is writing it.

But, the desire and struggle for another child is very real. And for me, it's been a lonely road.

The journey has not been quite as emotional since we already have a child, and if anything, it causes me to cherish her even more. But I struggle to speak about it since my plight is not that too great of a burden. Obviously, there are worse things I could be facing.

But, God has been working in my heart. I am recognizing more and more that my desire is a godly one, and not something to be ashamed of. I believe He wants us to desire to have many children, whether naturally, through adoption, or spiritually. I just need to learn to not exalt my desires above his.

We may never have another child. It is painful to say that, but I need to be open about it. I'm sure I'm not the only mom that has experienced this, but it's not too often that I hear the raw honesty about this specific struggle.

We are praying fervently about our next steps and God's will for our lives. It's frustrating to not have answers, and I don't know that we will ever get any. But this statement with always ring true for me, 'He is still good.'