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When Parents Fight

What is the role of fighting in a marriage? Julie Kennon wonders about that in a guest post today. Join in. But let’s try to make it a clean, fair fight …

FIGHTING WORDS?
By Julie Kennon

My parents never fought. At least not that I ever knew.

I was recently visiting my brother and sister-in-law, and I mentioned that fact in casual conversation. My sister-in-law’s jaw hit the floor.

“Not healthy,” she decreed.

I was recently chatting with one of my dear friends, and I gently suggested that she and her husband fight too often, too loudly, too publicly. I reminded her that her daughter could say, “No more fighting!” before she could say, “I want juice.”

“Not healthy,” I decreed.

O.K., so “healthy” is somewhere in between. But where, exactly?

I’m not a good fighter. Fighting makes me uncomfortable. If my parents did fight, I don’t really want to know about it. I’m happy they remained married, happy our home was peaceful (if, in retrospect, often oddly quiet for a house with five kids).

My kids aren’t fighters, and we do have a pretty peaceful home. I guess sometimes adult tension simmers under the surface; how could it not when you’re ignoring little things that bug you? Yes, sometimes my husband and I put the kids in front of the TV and walk outside to “talk.” Yes, my children can be holy terrors and throw tantrums of their own. But mommy and daddy screaming across the kitchen at each other? Never. My kids are learning (fingers crossed) to be flexible, accept minor irritations in loved ones and treat people with respect.

My friend is a great fighter. She’s energized by a good fight. She finds it to be cleansing. She finds that clearing the air makes friends and spouses closer. She has mastered the ability to smile brightly and say, “Bygones!”

Her daughter is accustomed to hearing screaming across the kitchen, or the front seat of the car or the aisles of a grocery store. Her home, while probably not entirely peaceful, is passionate. Her daughter is learning, one could argue, to be expressive. Don’t hold anger inside. Let it out; get rid of it. Holding anger inside makes you sick and miserable, my friend would say.

So somewhere in the middle is a lovely, civil dinner conversation. A rational, calm chat in which everyone’s feelings are aired without drama, validated with respect and discussed honestly:

“Sweetie, I’m bothered by the fact that you literally drool when you see our neighbor in a bikini.”

“Oh, honey, I didn’t know you saw that. It won’t happen again.”

Oh, please. No way. Your kids would learn all the right lessons, but at the cost of reality.

A recent New York Times article titled “How Divorce Lost Its Groove” discussed the evolution of divorce. “Whereas their parents were divorce pioneers in the ’70s, unsure of how marital dissolution affected children and letting caution blow in the wind, today’s splitting couples are viscerally aware of how divorce feels to a 7-year-old.”

The fact is, whether a couple divorces or not, children have a ringside seat to their relationship, and parents are, on the whole, much more cognizant of how their children are watching and learning from them. In her book “What Children Learn from Their Parents’ Marriage,” Judith P. Siegel, Ph.D., writes: “… children are keen observers of your marriage. They pay attention to when and how you disagree, notice how you and your partner react to each other, and in countless ways form impressions about the rules of married life. [They] then draw conclusions about how married people treat each other, for better or for worse.”

What parents don’t feel a tinge of anxiety when reminded that, if “marriage” was looked up in the dictionary by your children, your marital relationship is primarily what they would see? So it stands to reason that the topic of how we argue is one that is surfacing in more and more conversations between moms who seem to want to know how to do it right.

Sue Soler, a social worker, specializes in collaborative divorce in Bethesda, M.D. In her practice, she focuses on the family dynamic and how different methods of communicating affect everyone, including the children.

“It’s important that parents serve as role models and teach children how to manage differences, which are a part of any relationship,” she says. “Children benefit the most from a home in which parents disagree with love, differences are acknowledged in a respectful and civil way, dissenting opinions are valued and heard and disagreements are resolved so that both parents are satisfied. While this looks different in each family, parents must focus on how they disagree so that children develop the skills needed to manage conflicts in their own relationships now and in the future.”

Ironically, though I love a peaceful home, I urge my kids to stick up for themselves with their peers. When it comes to their interpersonal relationships, I expect them to be vocal and assertive. They are, and it serves them well. I don’t want my children to be passive-aggressive, yet I know they watch how I act. But if my husband forgets to take the trash to the curb and I’m doing it in my pajamas at 6 a.m.? I roll my eyes; I don’t wage a war or start a battle.

So clearly I’m conflicted, even in my own family.

Perhaps there’s no easy answer. At the end of the day, it’s just one more thing for us parents to worry about, right? If we air our grievances to keep open lines of communication in our marriage, we’re irreversibly harming and stressing our children. If we swallow our anger for the sake of a harmonious home, we’re repressing our feelings and creating distance in our marriage.
How do most married couples “communicate,” I wonder? Where on the spectrum do we each fall? And do we think we’re serving as good role models for our children, or do we wish we could change that aspect of our marital dynamic?

About

We're all living the family dynamic, as parents, as children, as siblings, uncles and aunts. At Motherlode, lead writer and editor KJ Dell’Antonia invites contributors and commenters to explore how our families affect our lives, and how the news affects our families—and all families. Join us to talk about education, child care, mealtime, sports, technology, the work-family balance and much more