The concept of the Crescendo seemed pretty cool from the get-go, but even from the start, I had my own doubts about how this multipurpose sex toy would be able to satisfy my needs. Nonetheless, I was pleased to hear from MysteryVibe, and my curiosity got the better of me, so now I’m the proud owner of a vibrator that I’ll probably never use again.

Don’t get me wrong – the principle is quite solid; 6 individual motors make up the body of this shape-shifting toy, like the Odo of masturbation. But where others rightfully saw a 100% unisex, pleasure-seeking, all-encompassing revolution in sex aids, I saw a toy that was trying to do too much. The rabbit vibrator is proof that a toy trying to do it all is likely to end up doing nothing, and while the flexible form was indeed intriguing, it was still just a rigid piece of silicone with 6 lacklustre motors instead of one half-decent one.

Let’s start with those motors; typically, a sex blogger and power queen would find themselves drooling over the idea of SIX motors in a single toy (let alone a single shaft of a toy), but these 6 can’t do what one can normally accomplish. Not to mention, they’re loud! Like, louder than my Magic Wand; you gotta be ready to blow me away if you’re touting that much audible power. They are also buzzy, and there are way too many patterns and variations, including vibrating specific motors in specific rhythms. I say there’s one singular “solid” vibration mode, but I’m only reasonably sure of that, because with the motors placed with one at either end and four in the middle, it was hard to be sure if the entire toy was vibrating. I can totally get off on a buzzy vibration if needed – I’m no rumble snob – but with size and shape of the toy, there was just no way for the vibrations to connect with my genitals in particular.

“That’s why you can change the shape!” you exclaim. Ah, but can I? With 6 motors, it’s obviously not going to be as flexible as something like the Fun Factory Sonic or Picobong Transformer, but as the website proudly showcases, it can be shaped into a perfect C shape. That’s about the extent of the Crescendo’s movement, because anything just a bit further won’t hold its shape for more than a second before popping back into its C form, which is just dandy when you’re trying to get off and hold the shape of this defiant vibrator all at once. I may not expect a lot of movement, but as a toy that is trying to satisfy all needs, I think it could use another advancement in flexibility because I like my crevasses tight. (Awwwww yeah) Not like I need the C-shape anyway, because the toy is certainly too bulky to pass for a couple’s vibrator, and the vibrations don’t rumble enough to transfer enough movement to my body through the less-than-form-fitting shape.

While it may be too bulky for the classic use of a couple’s vibrator, my main complaint is, funny enough, that it’s too small. For a while I’ve suspected that I need solid girth to really be able to get off, and a couple uses of the Crescendo confirmed this. The shape is basically a flat, slightly tapered stick (with flexibility of course), and between the fins and the less-than-perfect sealing job on the wider end (I’m sure it’s safe, but the crevasses scream “GIVE ME YOUR BACTERIA”), you’re basically forced to use the narrower side for penetration. Woo hoo, let’s jab a small stick at my G-spot! Sure, I may be able to find my G-spot without fail, thanks to the shape-shifting capabilities, but it’s sort of like fucking a pencil compared to my fulfilling cocks like The Captain or my Uncut #1. The only insertable toy I allow these shenanigans from is my Pure Wand, which while I wish was thicker, is still VERY much redeemable in the big metal fist sitting atop the end. The Crescendo lacks any sort of “topper”, and I feel like it would be a welcomed addition to the toy. It may also help its lack of flexibility in getting a bit closer to my genitals if there were just a larger end to press against.

Onto smaller stuff, like the buttons! The buttons are poorly placed, in my opinion. I’d much rather the pattern and the speed buttons were on the same side, instead of needing to remove the toy from my vagina and check which side I was just playing with and which button I was hitting because now I’ve gone into a pattern mode and do I need to go back or forth to find the solid one again? I do understand that the buttons are trying to keep a low profile, since technically the whole toy should be insertable, but they’re a bit too easily pressed, and a bit too easily confused

Well that’s what the app is for, right? MysteryVibe has joined the ranks of We-Vibe and Vibease in releasing an app with their toy, and for a first version of an app with a first version of a toy, I’m impressed. It was by no means perfect, but my only real criticism (apart from pairing, which I can barely do with my computer speakers anyway) is the same as the toy itself – just too many patterns. While I DID like that the app provided a visual idea of which motors were going, it just didn’t appeal to me. I totally admit that this here is just a personal preference.

How about that wireless charging dock? I love me some wireless charging, but my feelings about wirelessly charging sex toys is the same about wirelessly charging anything else – it has to be universal. I do give applause to MysteryVibe for starting this though, because if more companies come up with wireless charging adapters, then maybe they’ll all be interchangeable one day, and we don’t have to have several ways of charging toys set up. I’d love to just have a wireless charging pad of sex toys – that is the dream. For now, this does work, but until the rest of the industry catches on, it does sort of come off as gimmicky.

I can’t end this unnecessarily long review without mentioning my biggest point of confusion with the MysteryVibe Crescendo: the fins. What the fuck is that, and why is no one talking about it? Those little shark fins at the back of the toy, which I only assume are used for some variety of clitoral stimulation, seem to be the one feature of this toy that isn’t marketed or mentioned in any way. I mean for fuck’s sake, I actually tried to read the instructions of a sex toy just to find out what they were meant for! That’s dire! (and to no avail) I couldn’t find any other reviews explaining what else they might be good for, so if you found yourself here by Googling “What the fuck do the fins of the MysteryVibe Crescendo do?” then welcome – your guess is as good as mine.

I refuse to give this toy a shit rating, despite my very critical review, because as I said, the principle is awesome, not to mention the packaging was stunning with its storage bag and magnetic box. However I think with some more powerful motors, increased flexibility, and a more defined insertable end, that the Crescendo 2.0 could be pretty sweet. But for now, at $199 US, jumping at this opportunity is totally up to you