Friday, June 25, 2010

Sometimes we wait for weeks to find out something and then, the moment you know, you wish you could just go back to the waiting.

That's where I'm at tonight. My heart is heavy, my mind is tired, my eyes are blurred, yet sleep won't come and overtake my tired body. I sit here wide awake, wishing I had the power to turn back time, or better yet, the power to change the future.

We have waited for the last two weeks on a doctor's report for a family member who had surgery. In the last two weeks, I have called mom a million times probably and asked for any news, I've prayed and tried my best to stay positive and hope for the best, yet tonight as my husband and I were on the way home from celebrating our 22 wedding anniversary, the phone call that I had been dreading came.

The doctors report is that they got all the tumor, but that the cancer is still present in another organ of the body, and there's not much the doctors can do. My next question was, "So, where do we go from here? What's next?"

Mom was silent on the other end of the phone, so I knew that she didn't have the answers I was looking for. What I do know is that I believe in miracles...and I'm waiting on one right now. The human side of me crys out "God, we can't stand to lose another family member to this disease. We can't take much more loss. We can't keep holding on strong under these circumstances. We can't just sit here and wait this one out."

What I do know is that God is in control...ultimately! He knows the why's and how's and where's and who's of our lives. I know that nothing takes God by surprise. It's only human of me to want to live a life without anymore heartaches or pain. But, it's life...and in life we get hurt, we go through things we don't want to go through. What I must remember is that I am one of God's own. He created me in His image. He does not expect me to pretend that the pain of the situation is not real. It's okay if I cry...

One thing I know is that tears are a language that God understands. So for tonight, I'm just gonna let HIM hold me while I cry. Tomorrows another day...I'll face it with more strength after I spend the night in the arms of a God who understands where I am.

Monday, June 21, 2010

I know that God knows what's best for me and my life and that nothing happens without His knowledgement. I know that he sees my disappointment when things don't unfold in my life the way I had envisioned. Oh, if only I could life up my eyes to the heavens and see His hand moving with eternal purpose...then I could better understand. Then my questions wouldn't be so many.

I have to remind myself that my life here is just temporary or in other words...I'm not 'home' yet. So, for now, I must trust God with my disappointments, my hurts, my fears, and my questions and let Him lead the way. I can't and won't give UP, but rather GIVE IN! I must give in to His way and His plan for me, knowing that He only desires what is best for me and that He see's so much further down this road of life than I can.

Even when I don't understand...I trust you, Lord. I'll just hold on tighter to Your hand knowing that You will lead me in the right path.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Landon had an awesome party. The dump truck on his cake was one of the trucks in my grandfathers car collection that Landon got after my grandmother passed. I loved that he wanted to use it on his cake. I'm quite sure my grandparents were smiling about that too.

I loved that Landon told me he really didn't know what to wish for when he blew out his candles because he was already happy about everything. That really made my day!

My child asked for the oddest things for his birthday. He wanted betta fish, frogs, crickets (the kind of crickets you use as fishing bait), and knives for his knife collection.

He was pretty happy that he got a male and a female betta fish, and their tanks too.

And he was really thrilled with another knife.

He got $90 at his party, two betta fish and all their tanks and food and setups, two knives for his collection, math books (because he has an obession with math and numbers), several airplanes, helicopters, construction sets, slip n slide, new games, and so many other things. Then he got $50 in the mail today, and two other birthday gifts from some of my friends in Texas. When we went to church tonight, he collected 5 new knives for his collection, some gold coins that he's started collecting and $25. I would have to say he has had a great birthday celebration!

Thanks to all our friends who have made his birthday special this year. I asked him what he was going to buy with his money and he wants to go shopping for a small cabinet that locks to put his knife and coin collections in. The boy is serious about this collection stuff. He gets that honestly because I am a collector and my grandparents were both avid and serious collectors.

Mommy asked Landon if he was going to pay me and daddy back for the pool we bought him on Monday with his birthday money. (See, that was the deal when we went to look at the pools. We would go ahead and buy it because it was on sale and about to go off sale, and when he got his birthday money he could pay us back.) His answer to me was, "But mom...you already paid for that pool. It can just be another gift from you and daddy and I can keep my money."

I see how that works....I can assure you I am not paying for his cabinet he buys for his knives. Nope...he will pay for it with his own money. That way he knows he spent it! Gotta love kids and the way they think.

Monday, June 7, 2010

This morning, when you wake up, I will not complain about you jumping in the middle of my bed and knocking the breath out of me...because I realize that one day soon, you won't be running to me first thing in the morning when you awaken.

This morning when you ask for your 'power cereal', I will not correct you and tell you that it's real name is Fruity Pebbles, and I won't even complain about you wanting to drink the milk from your straw bowl as I am pouring it into the cereal...because I realize that one day soon you won't be spending your breakfast time with just me and you.

This morning I will listen to your endless talk about rockets, and airplanes, and hydro-sonic and super-sonic speeds...because I realize that one day soon you won't be talking and sharing all your thoughts and dreams with me.

This morning I am going to leave the breakfast dishes in the sink and spend time with you putting those crazy alphabet and number puzzles together...yes, the ones that I really hate to see all over the floor...because I know that one day I'm gonna miss stepping on those puzzle pieces.

This afternoon when you tell me that you want McDonalds, I promise not to complain about their nasty food and tell you that we have eaten there every single day for the last week...because I know that one day I'm gonna pass McDonalds and cry my heart out knowing that you aren't in the backseat asking for me to stop.

Today when you take out my camera and want to take a picture of yourself a hundred times, I'm just gonna smile...because I know that one day that camera just won't mean as much to me without you running around getting into mischief and me trying to catch you in the act. I know that one day I'm gonna miss seeing all those pictures you took of your foot, your nose, your eye, your hand, the grass and all the other silly things you love to snap a picture of.

Today when you ask me to buy you yet another package of those silly plastic, worm, fishing baits, I'm gonna gladly pay $2 for them. What's two dollars when compared to the wonderful memories of the smile and joy on your face as you bring them home and put them in your little tackle box? See...I know that one day I'll walk past that aisle in Nichol's or Wal-Mart and wish I could have you walking beside me getting excited because you found a color of worms that you didn't have in your collection.

Today when you ask me to sit outside and watch you jump on the trampoline, I'm going to turn the computer off, and sit and enjoy that time with you...because one day you'll be too old to want me to sit and watch you do something so simple and silly as jumping on a trampoline.

This evening I am going to let you splash in my big tub and make all the mess you want...because I know that one day I'm gonna miss having to use three towels to clean up from your cannonball jumps. Oh, and I'm not even gonna complain about the amount of bubbles you put in your bath water...Oh, how I am gonna miss those bubbles one day.

Tonight when you ask me for one more hug and one more drink of water before you go to bed, I will not complain. I will gladly let you get another glass of water...even though I know you are stalling for time. I will give you two more hugs and even sneak in a kiss while I can...because too soon I'm gonna pass by that bedroom door of yours and it will be closed more than it's open. Too soon you will not be as free with sharing your space with me as you are now.

See, I've noticed that I can already look back on just the last five years and already I miss some of the little things I used to do for you. I miss holding you till you feel asleep in my arms, and laying you in your crib and trying to sneak out of your room without waking you up. I miss picking up those bottles all over the house and washing them each day. I miss changing those diapers. I miss that silly little ring seat in my tub. I miss so many things about your growing up.

I guess that's the normal thing that happens to a mom as her little boy grows up. I'm sure it's only natural to miss the little things that I complained about at one time. But today, son...I'm gonna soak up every little minute with you. I'm gonna store every smile that crosses your face, and I'm gonna listen and remember every word that you say because as I look back...I can't seem to understand just how five years crept up on me so fast. One thing I know for sure, today my world is going to slow down, and I'm going to store up as many precious memories I can. Today I'm going to spend time just enjoying being with you and watching you enjoy life.

Today...you turn five...or as you put it, A WHOLE HAND! Today, I am going to wrap your hand in mine and see the world through your eyes. You have brought me and daddy so much joy that it's impossible to even try and explain the love we have for you. All someone has to do is just mention your name and instantly a smile is on our faces. You are the joy of our lives. You have brought laughter to us...along with a few gray hairs. We lie in bed so many nights laughing and talking of the things you have said or done that day. We fall asleep so many nights talking of the things that you have done, or planning special things to do with you on our days off. If we've said it once, then we've said it a million times, "We don't know what we would do without you." See, you are our world...you are what makes us happy. You are what completes your dad and I.

Happy Birthday Landon...Happy 5th birthday! Without a doubt...you are our greatest accomplishment in this life. You are the most precious part of our lives...and the one thing that we can take with us to heaven. Everything else is just temporary...it will all pass away one day, or be left behind in eternity, but everything that we put into your life, and every effort we make to lead you in the direction of truth will not be in vain. Children are our heritage...and you have made your dad and I rich!

Saturday, June 5, 2010

Landon is turning 5 on Tuesday and he informed me that when he turns 5, he cannot be giving his mommy kisses in public anymore. I asked why. His reply was, "Because he don't want the girls to see him kissing his mommy when he turns five!"

Gonna have to talk to this little boy! Those kisses are what make my day! Those kisses mean the world to me!

About Me

I am happily married to a wonderful man who still makes me smile after 21 years of marriage. We have one son, Landon, who is the love and the joy of our lives! Landon was born seventeen days before our 17th wedding anniversary. We lost three babies by miscarriages before we were blessed with a healthy little boy. This precious little boy is a gift from God, and has become Our World! Not a day goes by that I don't thank God for the gift of life, wrapped in such a beautiful package.