You heard about these Zhu Zhu pets? They’re robotic hamsters that make all sorts of sounds when you touch them and roll around on motorized wheels. A few years ago they were the “it” toy on black friday, although I don’t recall them sparking the same murderous zeal that Tickle Me Elmo inspired. You’ve probably seen them around:

The guys responsible for these toys are brilliant. To start with, they chose a creature whose mental faculties are about the same as a half-eaten box of cheez-its. Which means that since Zhu Zhu’s can move under their own power and communicate through a variety of noises, they’re actually slightly smarter than their biological counterparts. Then the creators were savvy enough to sell cages and tunnels for the little bastards. By the time a kid is done wringing money out of their parents, they’ve managed to construct a hamster dream home for a pet that isn’t even alive.

You’d think the parents would be pissed, but I bet they love the autonomous bastards. They’ll never shit anywhere, and you never have to bury them in the backyard after a long and tear-filled conversation about life, death, and hamster heaven with your five year old.

Seriously, the people behind these things were mad geniuses. The only hole in their plan is that no guy will ever buy one. Because a full-blooded male raised on a steady diet of G.I. Joe and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is never gonna be seen playing with the same hamster toy that Susie from down the street owns.