When to Hold and When to Fold

Part 1

by Dr. Nancy Spoolstra

I was 5 years old when I told my parents that I wanted to be a
veterinarian. I was 14 years old when I told them that I wanted to build
my family through birth and adoption. I was fortunate enough to be able
to accomplish both goals, but both of them came with a price. During the
time that I was struggling to get through Vet School, I wouldn't have
guessed that one day I would abandon Veterinary practice (and the
appreciation of clients) in favor of the ego-building(?) experience of
parenting unattached children......

After our second child was born, my husband and I began to give
serious consideration to the possibility of adoption. We were fortunate
enough to have a healthy boy and girl, and we felt that we were ready to
explore other family-building options. Our first adoptee was Anchulee, a
beautiful, tiny, and very stubborn little polecat who was born in
Thailand and arrived home in October of 1989 at the tender age of 21
months. Boy, were we in for a rude awakening! I had not studied polecats
in Vet School; nor was I at all educated about Attachment Disorder. I
was already parenting 2 normal, on-target kids, so I thought I had some
idea of what this job was all about. I was totally unprepared for the
control battles over the tiniest of things; the lack of "warm fuzzies"
towards my new daughter for many, many months; the lack of understanding
that I received from the other adults in her environment that she was so
adept at conning. Intellectually, I was sure that I was ready, willing
and able to love "another mother's child" as much as I loved my birth
children, but I was emotionally not feeling that way about Anchulee.
After many years of struggle and self-education, I came to realize that
it was the lack of reciprocity in the relationship between Anchulee and
her family that was the problem--NOT my "inability" to love her. It
wasn't until her brother Tony joined the family at the age of 9 years
thatI had a real understanding of Attachment Disorder, and the effects
that an AD child can have on the dynamics of a normal family.

My birth children, Adam and Laura, were 5 and 3 years old at the time
of Anchulee's arrival. I, myself, was parented by a "drill sergeant" as
defined by Foster Cline in Parenting With Love and Logic. My parenting
style was pretty similar to the way I was raised. I told them what they
needed to do, and, by golly, they had better do it and do it now! I soon
found, however, that my new daughter was not at all responsive to that
approach. She didn't care what I wanted her to do, and in fact, was just
as happy to do the opposite of what I wanted. As my frustration
escalated, it became obvious that there had to be a better way.

It would be a full 2 1/2 years before I stumbled into a group of
experienced Moms who started me on the teachings of Foster Cline. I
credit those ladies with saving my sanity, and I am a lifelong fan of
the teachings of Dr. Cline. However, it would be another 3 1/2 years,
after the arrival of Tony, before I would be given Foster Cline's book
on Attachment Disorder. In other words, I used his parenting methods
long before I knew anything about AD. We had taken Tony to see a
therapist, because Tony's behavior was destroying our family. At our
first meeting, the therapist handed me Hope for High Risk and
Rage-Filled Children. He wanted me to read it and see if I recognized
Tony in the descriptions. I will never forget how I felt when I realized
that all the feelings I had experienced, all the bizarre behaviors, the
community reactions, the guilt, were all documented in this book! They
were legitimatised, validated, believed! I wasn't crazy after all! That
day was the beginning of the end of my plans to return to Veterinary
Medicine, for I came to realize that there was a far greater need for
people to be educated about AD than there was for another veterinarian.
Besides, I don't believe my education has been wasted, for I was told by
a well-known Attachment therapist that her best foster parents were
horse trainers, and I am very good at "Basic German Shepherd", (another
Foster Cline term!)

I still clearly remember the day we made the decision to adopt a
second time; the decision that resulted in the addition of Tony to our
family. We were on our way to a vacation in Colorado, and it was the
summertime. Anchulee's behavior was very difficult even when school was
in session, but summer times were even worse. So here we were,
discussing the addition of a second adoptee, when the first one was
about as much in reverse as a kid could be. We thought we had it figured
out, though. We would make sure that this time we would get a child with
a good attitude. We weren't concerned if he wasn't cute or smart, but we
wanted to assure ourselves that he would move in a forward direction at
least part of the time. As I write this, it amazes me how unprepared and
naive we were at the time. However, the fact was that we still had never
even heard about AD, so we were not operating with all the facts.

Tony arrived in July of 1993. He had spent 8 of his first 9 years in
an orphanage in Ecuador. He is very cute and probably smart, but we are
not sure about that because his bad attitude causes him to be quite
adept at noncompliance. My "enlightening" occurred in January of 1995,
when the therapist handed me Foster Cline's book. Prior to that time, in
November of 1994, we had welcomed home Cindy, a 14-year-old from the
Philippines. So now our happy household consisted of two birth children
and three Attachment-Disordered adoptees, only we still didn't KNOW that
we were dealing with AD. We just knew that these kids operated from a
different frame of reference than our birth children. We knew that they
were unmotivated, unhappy, and uncooperative. We also knew that they had
experienced a great deal of pain in their young lives, but they seemed
unable or unwilling to address those issues, and without their
cooperation we were unsuccessful in our attempts to help them. After
years of watching Anchulee charm the socks off of every human being over
the age of 5, we discovered that Cindy and Tony were equally as skilled
in that area. Of course, the ability to be charming in public while
totally destroying your family in private is a well-documented
characteristic of AD children. However, the other adults in the child's
life have to recognize and understand what AD is before they will
believe the parents that this charming child may not be what he or she
seems.....

Ultimately, the incredible stress at home, the criticism and
condemnation from the community (mostly the schools), and the
increasingly negative impact on the more "normal" children precipitated
the disruption of Cindy. Although I still felt that we could possibly
make the placement work, Cindy was adamant in her vocalization of her
desire to leave our family (with its attendant emotional requirements).
I simply could not cope with her behavior, the school's negative
contribution, and the behavior of Tony and Anchulee. Cindy was with us
for 6 months, and we poured a great deal of time, money, effort and
emotion into her. She walked out of our lives and we have not heard from
her since. Neither Tony nor Anchulee appeared to be very affected by
Cindy's departure. It hurt my birth daughter very much, although my
birth son was not too affected. Truly, Cindy had contributed very little
towards the family and had been protecting herself emotionally, so Adam
was not that attached to her. Cindy and Laura were closer, partly
because Cindy had a birth sister in the Philippines about the same age
as Laura. Ironically, it was also that fact that caused Cindy to be
jealous of Laura, because Cindy's birth-mom made no secret of her
preference for the younger girl. One of the many times we had to deal
with Social Services was over Cindy's contention that "we treated the
birth kids better than the adopted kids". Cindy left in May 1995, just
in time for Tony and Anchulee to move into their annual summertime
disintegration......

By the end of that summer, I was emotionally and physically a wreck.
The entire family was planning a trip to Colorado over Labor Day
weekend, but I just couldn't do it. I could barely tolerate being in the
same house with Tony, much less take a vacation and be stuck in a van
with him for hours. I also felt that I was bearing the brunt of Tony's
behavior by myself. (AD kids typically pick on Mom the most.) I told my
husband that I would take Adam, Laura, and Anchulee to Colorado and he
could stay home with Tony, or he could take the kids and go to Colorado
while I stayed home. My husband chose the latter option; however, he had
not bargained on the response he received from Adam and Laura. Neither
child wanted to be with Tony either, and they both elected to skip the
vacation and stay home with me! When I realized just how polarized and
dysfunctional my family had become, I took more drastic action.
Ultimately, all 6 of us DID go to Colorado, but only 5 of us returned.
Tony spent 90 days being evaluated and treated in therapeutic foster
care in Colorado. He was diagnosed with Reactive Attachment Disorder,
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, severe birth mother issues, and possibly
depression. We picked him up the day before Thanksgiving, and he started
a control battle before we even got to our hotel room that night. By
March of 1996, things were worse than before, and the family faced the
fact that Tony needed longer term placement. Financially, this has been
a tremendous burden, but the family remains committed to Tony. We just
can't live with him. He returned to Colorado, but this time he was
placed in a group home with about 8 carbon copies of himself. He quickly
earned the reputation as the child most skilled in creating chaos, and
then stepping back to watch the others take the blame. Small wonder my
other kids were having a terrible time being around him. Around the time
of his departure, I was diagnosed with Shingles, in addition to the
hyperacidity and migraines that I was already treating. The other
children were clearly relieved at his departure, and the family dynamics
improved tremendously.

As of this writing, Tony is still in the group home. We attempted to
spend a week with him recently, on another family trip to Colorado. He
did very well for 3-4 days before the family closeness became too much
for him to bear. He ended up stealing money from Adam, returning early
to the group home, and refusing to hug his family before we left. He
doesn't write or call, even when given an opportunity to do so. After
telling his therapists for the last 3 months that he thinks he needs
about 2 years in Colorado to work on his issues, he surprised everyone
recently by announcing that he thinks he is ready to go home now. A big
part of me is thrilled to hear him say that, but an equally large part
of me is wondering how a child who can't make it with his family for a
week is going to be able to live with them full time. I also know that I
cannot and will not allow my family to become what it was when Tony
lived with us before. As of now we are taking it a day at a time.