Tag Archives: issues

I want to write about the three scenarios from last week’s blog posting. Each of the three stories (all true stories) resulted in health problems for the people involved. I believe it is critical to understand how anger – when held inside – causes physical harm.

In the Dan Cooper story, we have a young man who followed his father’s road map for his life instead of following his own. This decision to please his father took a terrible toll on him health-wise. Dan hated himself for not standing up for himself. He also felt enormous hostility toward his father for forcing him into the business when he knew full well that his son wanted a career in music. That is a lot of baggage to carry around:

●self-hate

●hate of one’s parent

It is not possible to serve two Gods and remain healthy and sane.

Dan remained working in his father’s business for twenty-two (wasted) years. Early in his 23rd year, his father had a massive heart attack and died. Dan immediately put the company up for sale. He then moved toNew York so that he could attend the Julliard School of Music. He had a grand piano installed in his little apartment and started taking both piano lessons and violin lessons. He worked hard at learning all he could about his chosen craft. Over the next few years, his dragging limp disappeared along with his slurring speech. The change happened slowly but it did happen.

Four years later, he accepted a position with Disney’s Imagineering Group where he is today, creating music for all of the cartoon movies that Disney creates. Dan is finally a happy man.

A person can pay a dreadful price by not following his or her own aspirations, goals and ambitions, especially when those are a strong force within. If you know intestinally what you should be doing in life, but you are doing what someone else thinks you should be doing, it will cost you in health and happiness.

With the Sally and Jay story, it is Jay who has the problem. Somewhere during his childhood, something dreadful happened between him and his mother, Greta. If he could have talked about whatever happened to a professional and gotten some closure, perhaps the issue of his spike in blood pressure when Greta was around could have been addressed. Either Jay didn’t want to discuss it or he could not discuss it because it was buried somewhere deep in his subconscious.

This story illustrates what can happen health-wise when we do not deal with anger-causing issues but instead hold on to them. We think we are hiding the problem but our bodies react to the issue anyway.

The mechanism is interesting. Whatever happened, even though it was years ago, whenever we remember that situation, our hostility rises and our anger gets hot – just as hot as it was when the situation originally occurred. Our bodies think, “My God, it’s happening again!”

As human beings we are pretty resilient when it comes to stress that is tied to a specific incident like someone cutting you off in traffic and almost causing an accident. But that episodic stress passes and we easily recover. However, it is the stress that doesn’t go away which eventually causes health damage. This is the stress, anxiety, hostility and anger that bubbles up in our minds whenever we recall some aggravating incident. That is why you should never tell yourself, “Oh it’s just a little thing; I shouldn’t get so upset.” Instead, acknowledge that you are upset. (Look, if something upsets you, there’s a good reason. Do not belittle your feelings. Your feelings are valid.) Go talk to the person and put that hostility to rest once and for all.

In the Way-lin Yan story we have an example of a person dealing with the type of stress that does not go away. In Way-lin’s situation, there was no respite – she had to face that aggravating situation every single day. The caring nurse in the office of Way-lin’s doctor was right –leave that job before it kills you.

Way-lin had convinced herself that because she lacked experience, it was okay for her to be brutalized by a mean and bullying boss. Now, however, she did have experience. She was no longer a novice. Way-lin was counseled to tell the boss that the current recruit was more than satisfactory and that Way-lin’s last day would be this coming Friday.

Way-lin returned to her job on Monday, prepared to make her departure announcement to the boss. Mid-morning, an astonishing interaction occurred between the new recruit and this bullying boss which left Way-lin flabbergasted.

Boss: (screaming) You are one dumb broad, sister. Why in the hell did you staple the report together when you were clearly told not to?

Newbe: (standing up at her desk, facing the boss, head held high, hands at her

side, strong but calm voice) Listen here. You will not ever scream at me

again. No one has ever done that to me in my life and you are certainly

not going to be the first. I demand an immediate apology and a promise

that you will not ever again address me in such a disrespectful manner.

Boss: (dumbfounded look, mumbling in low tones) Well, I was upset that you did

not follow directions.

Newbe: That’s not an apology. I want an apology loud enough so that the entire

office will hear it just as they heard your criticism.

Boss: (grumbling) I’ll get you some flowers. Now get back to work.

Newbe: I don’t want flowers. I want a loud apology and a promise that you will

Way-lin later reported that she was so surprised her mouth guard fell right out of her open mouth. She was speechless. “I realized”, she said, “That all I needed to do was stand up to Mr. Andrews once and his abuse would have stopped.”

The great lessons here for Way-lin were:

●speak up immediately when you have been disrespected

●facing up to a bully once usually stops that hostile behavior permanently

●speaking up immediately changes the dynamic of the relationship

●speaking up confirms you will not lay the victim role in the bully’s game

Hating yourself for allowing such a situation to continue is a killer because the stress never goes away. Conventional wisdom might tell you that learning to deal with stress is a necessary fact of life. Conventional wisdom is wrong. How about learning to live without the kind of stress put on you by other people. You shouldn’t stand for it. Speak up. Free your life.

Rage can be used as an attempt to mask low self-esteem or to conceal personal failures.Sometimes anger toward others is merely a projection of the rage a person feels toward themselves because of unmet expectations. Should those unmet expectations suddenly come to light, the rage that is generated can be over-powering. This is why you must never let yourself become entangled in someone else’s rage. Their rage is their problem. Don’t let it become yours by reacting inappropriately (responding with rage or responding by playing the victim role).

Angry insults often conceal jealousy. When someone insults you, it really says more about the speaker than it does about you – the target of the remark. The insult may actually disclose the other person’s envy regarding a character strength or personal achievement which you possess. So, the next time someone insults you, don’t get angry. Remember that they may well be talking about themselves and their failures – not yours.

Suppose you have decided to confront someone who is causing you a considerable amount of stress, aggravation and anger. Let’s also suppose that it isn’t just one behavior this person does, but several that drive you nuts. Perhaps this is a close friend who borrows your things – money, clothing, books, electronic gadgets, tools and never returns them. You have to ask for them back. Moreover, many times whatever he or she borrowed comes back damaged. Of course, they apologize but never offer to replace or repair the damaged item. When this friend goes out of town, they drop off their dog for you to look after – without even asking if you want to take on that responsibility. The final straw occurred last Saturday morning when you returned from shopping to find your friend’s two little kids sitting on your front porch with a note. The note said, “Please look after Katie and Ethan for me. I’ll be back to get them at 6:00 pm.”

The first thing you have to do it have a serious talk with yourself and decide what you want as a result of your discussion with this friend:

●Do you wish to end this no-boundary relationship?

●Do you want to declare, “No more borrowing anything of mine?”

●Do you want to focus on getting them to replace or repair one item?

●Do you want to say, “I am unwilling to look after your kids or your dog?”

What you cannot do is tell them:

●”You are the most inconsiderate person I know!”

●”You have some nerve taking advantage of our relationship this way.”

●”You are using me and I want that to stop!”

The reason you cannot say the phrases listed above is because, believe it or not, those phrases are not specific enough. All you will succeed in doing is frustrating your friend because he or she will not understand what you are talking about.

So, rule one is negotiation successfully is to know exactly what you want as an outcome of the discussion so that you can state it clearly to the other party. This may sound too simple for words but, when we are angry, often we blurt out loud words that certainly deliver the message that we are angry but our meaning is lost in the fog of our hostility.

The second rule of negotiation around actions of others that cause us hostility is to select one item for discussion. Leave all the other actions this person is doing for discussion at a later time. There are two very good reasons why you only want to put one item up for discussion:

●You do not want to dilute the person’s focus by loading them with too many moving targets. People today have very limited patience and mental capacity for dealing with your problems.

●You do not want the person to feel that the situation is hopeless and well beyond any possible resolution. If you select one item, resolution seems easily within reach.

Select the item which is causing you the most aggravation. When there are multiple issues causing you hostility, very often speaking about one of the items is enough to cause the person to clean up their act on all the other items. It is like dropping a small pebble in a still pond which causes a series of ripples. What you have actually done is put a line in the sand that sends the person a message about their aggravating behavior.

One very famous and brilliant statesman who negotiated for the State Department would begin every negotiation discussion be saying, “I think we are pretty much all in agreement here on the issues. We just need to clean up a few details.” In truth, the parties involved were no where near agreeing to anything. However, when he made his little speech, all the grim faces began to smile and the parties involved eagerly rolled up their sleeves to begin working out those little details.

The third rule negotiation around actions of others that cause us hostility is to use words which objectively and specifically describe the situation. Do not use terms that over-dramatize the situation or blow it way out of proportion. Most certainly do not use words which incite the other person. When you do that, you make it impossible for the other party to find a middle ground. Such terminology creates an ossified stance on both sides and so does not forward the resolution process.

Instead of saying, “You are totally unprincipled and irresponsible when it comes to spending money. Why are you such a spendthrift?” Try saying, “I am really concerned that you went over our monthly household budget again. This time by by $375.00. What are we going to do about this situation?”

Instead of saying, “Your behavior is bizarre. What you said was total idiocy. People will think you are absolutely out of your mind.” Try saying, “I think your comments really surprised people. I don’t think they expected to hear that point of view.”

If you want to see the results of using inappropriate over- dramatic words, you have only to look at our congress. When discussing the President’s health care bill, our Speaker of the House declared that if the bill was past it would bring the country to total Armageddon – which is supposed to be the battle that ends the world as we know it.

For those of you who are not history buffs, Armageddon has already occurred – in 1260. The Mongol horde was about to sweep acrossEurope. There was a little trading town at the bottom of a mountain pass in the Middle East namedMegiddo. In front of the town was a large grassy plain. Solders from all across Europe and theMiddle Eastmet on this plain to turn back the Mongols who were led by a descendent of Genghis Kahn. In those days solders fought on horseback with swords, pikes, spears, knives and bows and arrows. Many thousands died that day and the plain was soaked with blood but the Mongols were turned back. This battle became known as the Battle of Armageddon. I hope you notice that It did not end the world.

There are many tips for negotiating yourself out of anger-causing situations in my book, From Rage to Resolution. You can find info on how to purchase the book on my blog. It is just too many strategy to put into a blog. However, I can tell you this, using my strategies will clean up a lot of stressful hostility in your life.

Jeff needs to make a brief speech to his boss explaining the situation and asking that the boss to redo the performance appraisal report in the light of this new information. (It is never a good idea to tell one’s boss that he or she is wrong. It is better to say, “In light of this new information, please make a new decision.”) So, Jeff might say something like this:

“Boss, often you volunteer my time to help people in other departments without informing me as to where in my list of priorities this helping fits in. This damages my effectiveness and causes you to downgrade my performance because these helping duties prevent me from completing my own work. I would appreciate it if you would redo my performance report in light of this new information. How quickly can you do that?”

Scenario #2

Danielle Johnson’s performance appraisal was due 90 days ago….

Universally bosses hate to do performance feedback reports and will put them off as long as possible. Since bosses always have more to do than they can handle, it is easy to find excuses. As an astute employee, Danielle needs to get a little pushy and explain to the boss how these delaying strategies are hurting her financially and motivationally. Danielle might say something like this:

“Boss, I am already three months beyond the time for my performance appraisal. This really upsets and depresses me because, until that paperwork is complete, I cannot get my annual increase. I would appreciate it if you could give me my performance appraisal by noon on Wednesday. What information will you need from me to complete the documentation by that time?”

Scenario #3

Your boss – a company vice president – always catches you just as you are leaving for coffee break……

Here is a boss who makes a lot more money than you do who is taking advantage of the power relationship between you. Moreover, this sounds like a case of extortion where your generosity buys you a good performance report. You are being used and bullied. Since this is a boss-subordinate situation, you have to avoid this situation without making your boss wrong (which he clearly is.) You might say something like this:

“Boss, regrettably I can no longer purchase coffee and donuts for you. The cost is becoming prohibitive. I would appreciate it if you would ask someone else to handle this for you in the future. “

This Week’s Scenarios

Scenario #1

You have a serious concern with your next door neighbor. He has a very tall and almost dead old pine tree which is leaning precipitously over the roof of your home. This year, the rain storms were accompanied with strong winds. You feel it was just luck that the old pine did not crash through your roof. Today you went to his house and expressed your concern asking that he consider taking down that tree. In response, your neighbor stood in a wide stance, his beefy arms were crossed tightly across his chest, his jaw jutted out and you could almost hear his teeth grinding. He glared at you in silence. Then he said, “Too bad.” What should you say now?

Scenario #2

Your teenager, Benjamin, is barely getting passing grades in school. At this rate, he will never be accepted into any college. Tonight he is sprawled all over your living room couch, school books and papers are strewn around the floor and coffee table, the television is blasting away and he is on his cell phone talking to his girlfriend. When you asked him what he was doing, he said he was doing his homework. However, as he mumbled his response, he looked away from you, put his hands up to his mouth and rolled his eyes to the ceiling. What should you say in response?

Scenario #3

You are the mother of near- genius boy of eleven years who is being severely bullied at school. You have reported the problem to school authorities who have done nothing. Before you go to the police and sign a complaint, you decide to speak to the parents of the bully to see if they can put a stop to this behavior. The parents of the bully graciously invite you into their home where you tell them what their son is doing to your son. The father gets up from his chair and begins to pace across the living room while at the same time combing his fingers through his hair. The mother puts one hand at her neck while the other flutters aimlessly in the air, leans away from you and says in a weak and high-pitched voice, “Oh my God, no!” What should you say now?

Once again this week there was another reported hit and run accident – this time the victim was a policeman. Lately there seems to be quite a bit of this going on. I’d be interested in hearing what you think about these incidents and why it is that people run away from taking responsibility for their actions even in situations where to run away means the victim dies for want of immediate medical help.

Rage can look like compliant passivity.Public compliance often hides private rage. Passivity does not mean agreement. It is an aggressive act using inertia and mistakes to block someone else’s action. A person can also assume a loser role to disguise an attempt at gaining power over others.

Every single one of us has the ability to read the body language of others. Some refer to it as intuition, others call it gut feeling. There is a gender difference: females seem more attuned to the body language of others than are males.

In my experience with reading body language, I have learned two significant facts:

●our intuition or gut feeling is seldom wrong; and

●our tendency is to ignore those signals.

If you have ever had to interview someone for employment, you experienced your intuition or gut feeling. Did you listen to it or did you go ahead and hire the person anyway. Later, when it became obvious they were wrong for the job, did you say to yourself, “I knew he or she wouldn’t work out. I just had that feeling….” All of that input, I believe, comes from our ability to read another person’s body language.

Research studies indicate that only 7% of the message is delivered through words while 93% is conveyed through body language and tone of voice. Such studies show that understanding happens:

7% from the word meanings

38% from the tone of voice

55% from the body language

If this is true, then communication is actually the act of the (person watching the speaker) listener, not the speaker. It also reinforces the importance of monitoring your own body language as well as watching your adversary’s body language throughout a confrontation.

It is often said that true feelings are revealed through body language while the words contain some manufactured acceptable pabulum which is only slightly related to the truth. Take this common exchange:

Husband: Are you angry with me?

Wife: No, I’m hurt.

Her body language gave her away. He knows she is angry but she prefers to be manipulatively dishonest and make him feel guilty for something she refuses to identify.

When confronting an adversary, you must make certain that your body language reflects your intent. Moreover, you want to project strength by taking the confrontation to your opponent. At work, early morning, before the day gets started is the best time. Picture your adversary seated at his/her desk, drinking coffee. You walk into his or her office and, standing, deliver your message. Consider the relationship of height and power; you are standing, they are sitting; you are taking the power stance. If you approach your adversary later in the day, plan the seating arrangements in advance. Sitting opposite your adversary only reinforces the conflict while sitting side by side delivers the message: we are working on this conflict together.

When confronting in a close relationship, select a time when your adversary is relaxed and not under stress from a day at work or a difficult commute home or a miserable day with the children. Late into the evening is probably the best time. Always sit side-by-side.

Think of yourself as a tall oak tree with roots deep in the ground; unmovable. Your hands should be at your sides, relaxed, palms opened (no clenched fists.). Your face should reflect a serious demeanor. Your voice should be strong and at an even pitch. You do not want to project any stress. This is why it is always a good idea to role-play with a friend before you confront the adversary. Practice does wonders for the nervous, pitch-varying speaker. Finally, always give your adversary 100% of your attention along with a straight-in-the-eyeball look.

Now, let’s consider the body language of the adversary. There are two significant items to notice in your adversary’s body language, both of which are controlled by the adversary:

changes in the physical distance between you; and

the amount of continuous eye contact the adversary maintains with you.

People lean toward what they like and away from what they don’t like. This movement occurs at the moment the other person hears your words. The adversary may, after hearing your message, lean back in their chair, or push back against the chair, increasing the physical distance between you. They could even get up and begin pacing. Should the adversary come forward in their chair, you should anticipate hearing something positive. Should the adversary move away, you should assume you will quickly hear something negative with regard to your words.

The second cue involves your opponent’s eye movements. The adversary should be giving you fairly uninterrupted direct eye contact all through the conversation. At some point in the interaction, the adversary may avert their eyes. They may suddenly become very absorbed in looking out the window or examining their hands or watching themselves pick lint off their clothing. This is evidence that your adversary would like to get away from you and the problem you have addressed. The physical constraints of the situation do not allow him or her to do that. So they escape as much as they can by increasing the distance between themselves and you and by directing their eyes and attention somewhere else.

In the confrontation, there is one moment of significant body language communication: immediately after you speak. At that moment, you will see before you the adversary’s psychological response to your words reflected in a group of body language changes. Then your opponent will speak their response.

What you want to look for, immediately after you speak, is gross changes in the body language followed quickly by a verbal response. If you see positive body language, anticipate hearing a positive response. If you see negative body language, anticipate hearing a negative response. The problem comes when you see negative body language but the response is positive. Then you know your opponent is not speaking truthfully. The adversary’s body language and the words of the message that he or she speaks should match. If they do not, your adversary is not being honest.

The most effective strategy for dealing with an adversary’s body language is to comment on it directly. This indicates that you got their unspoken message. Here are a few examples.

Adversary: (Pushes back from the desk, leans back against the chair, crosses arms over chest, looks away into a far corner of the room, shrugs shoulders, looks back at you, rubs at his nose and then says, I’ll be happy to look into it and get back to you when I have some information.

You: I sense there is a big problem with my request and that your search for more information may be a delaying tactic and I want…

Opponent: (She pushes back in the chair, crosses her legs, eyes avert to side wall while she fidgets with a pen. When she looks back at you, her jaws seem tight. She responds in a strained voice.) Well,I guess that might be possible.

You: You don’t sound as if you want to make the effort to make it possible and I want..

Adversary: (She leans forward in the chair, smiles while giving you a straight in the eyeball look and says) I’ve been waiting for you to tell me you wanted more responsibility”.

You: Well, I’m ready for a new challenge right now and I want….

Spouse:(Moves away from you, starts to pace the room while combing hair with fingers and says) I don’t want to discuss this right now.

You: I can see that this topic is stressful for you. Nevertheless, it’s critical that we resolve this issue quickly. When would you like to discuss it because I want….

Teenager:(Looks down at feet, hands are clenching and unclenching, voice is weak and says) I’ll try not do that again.

You: That doesn’t sound like much of a commitment and I want you to…..

Listed below are some of the most commonly seen negative body language cues and what they mean.

Greg needs to have a talk with his boss and explain that what the customer did actually was violate the chain of command by going to the boss and asking for special treatment. (Note: do not blame the boss for this or tell him that he was wrong to listen to the customer which undercut Greg’s authority. Although this is true, it will only anger the boss and that anger will be directed at Greg. Better to make the customer the bad guy in this scenario. The boss will get the message.) Then Greg needs to have the boss clarify the limits of Greg’s authority once again. Greg should take notes and read them back to the boss. Hopefully this will avoid any future problems.

Scenario #2

It is a cold, dark Monday morning in November. An icy mix is falling……..

Leisure activities have several characteristics which work usually does not have:

●choice and decision-making of what to do, how to do it, with whom to do it and for how long to do it

●clear, measurable goals

` ●the goals have been selected by the individual involved

●accurate and specific score-keeping which does not require a judge and/or some complicated form of interpretation

●the score-keeping is self-administered

●personal responsibility for results or outcomes

●the game plan does not change in the midst of the action

In other words, the person involved in the activity is totally in charge of what is going on.

Scenario #3

A high tech medical laboratory was experiencing a steady growth rate of 23%…..

A consultant was called in to interview (by phone) a large number of those who had quit their jobs. Here is some of what she was told:

●”They told me I was one of the lucky ones. My department wasn’t moving. But I decided I didn’t want to continue working for an outfit that treated its people with such disrespect.”

●”Sixty miles is a very big deal on the roads in this state. People would have to relocate. The announcement gave me no time to plan, to move, to sell one house and buy another closer to work. I don’t know. It just didn’t seem right to me. It seemed real nasty.”

●”I was looking forward to the change. It was becoming very crowded in my area and larger digs would have made working a lot easier. But when the announcement came it was a shock. Sixty miles away and one week to pack-up. It was just too much. I quit.”

●”I’ve been working here since the very beginning and to be told I was to move in seven days – in an E-mail – was so insulting and demeaning. Like all my years of dedication meant nothing. “

People really do not hate change. Change makes life interesting. However, people hate being changed. They also hate having no input into the changes that so dramatically affect their working lives. In this case, what angered the staff was the fact that they had not been given substantive information about the change and a sufficient amount of time to mentally get comfortable with it. Moreover, there was on time to plan and prepare for the change.

This Week’s Scenarios

Scenario #1

Jeff has the best computer skills in the department. Jeff’s boss, Evelyn, in a desire to increase her credits with managers in other areas, often volunteers his services to assist others with their computer problems. The difficulty is, she does this without asking if Jeff has the time and without consideration for his work priorities. Although her actions anger Jeff, to date he has said nothing. Then, in a performance feedback discussion, Evelyn tells Jeff that she is giving him an unsatisfactory evaluation because he seems to be unable to manage his workload effectively. If you were Jeff, how would you handle this situation?

Scenario #2

Danielle Johnson’s performance appraisal was due 90 days ago. The boss keeps putting off the discussion. Danielle cannot get her annual increase until that paperwork is turned into human resources and the financial recommendation from her boss is approved by the accounting department. Danielle is pretty certain that her boss’s feedback will be positive and she does understand that her boss is very busy. However, with gas prices and the cost of food going up, she really needs that increase. If you were Danielle, what would you do?

Scenario #2

Your boss – a company vice president – always catches you just as you are leaving for coffee break and asks if you would pick up a coffee and donut for him while you are getting yours. It’s not a big deal; it only amounts to a few bucks. However, it’s been going on for many months. Not once has this person offered to pay for their own treat nor have they ever volunteered to pay for yours. You are really aggravated at being taken advantage of in this manner. He likes to make a little joke when you hand him his coffee and donut. He will say something like, “I’m going to remember this when I write your performance appraisal.” What should you do to stop this manipulation?

When you go to talk to someone about something they are doing which is causing you anger and hostility, be prepared to state what you want (or how the problem should be solved) several times. You do this because most people do not listen; they are busy thinking up a obstructive response to your requested action. Even though it will sound dumb in your own ears, keep repeating what it is you want like a broken record. Usually repeating four times will do the trick. At that point, the other person will finally hear you and say something like, “Okay, I’m willing to do that.”