first and foremost, I'm sorry to whomever was able to read my (rightly) swiftly deleted suicide note I posted here months ago. And I'm sorry for being away so long. But, more than anything, I am SO SORRY that I haven't been here to provide you guys with the kindness and support that all of you showed me when I was down in the deep.

from my last sentence, you may have notice the usage of WAS, which means that, yes, I have mostly overcome this last, absurdly rough bout with depression and suicide. and I would not have made it through all this without you guys. I have been under heavy treatment for a few months - spent a while at a lovely institution (save for the food... ick) where I was given access to treatments I wouldn't have undergone had I not committed myself there - and am now back to my old work schedule, a functional social life, being able to help others with their problems (something I'm good at), and ... well... just being able to enjoy life without hating myself and the world anymore.

I'm not saying it's all hunky-dory. we all know that these feelings might never go away, perhaps not even until we die. and I do have my melancholic moments sometimes (they don't overwhelm me like they used to) and I AM still taking 4 different types of medicine, but you know what?

It's all been worth it. I don't hate the new day when I wake up anymore. I don't expect so much of myself or of everyone else. I am able to be kind and good and take in people's kindness and goodness in return. and that is what seals the deal for me.

Just yesterday I had a particularly strong, almost life changing event that could have been extremely traumatic. It made me sad, of course (a lovely girl I used to date passed away yesterday. We hadn't spoken in a while, but were always friendly with each other and had nothing but affection for one another), but it didn't devastate me like it would've a few months ago. I sent her closer friends and known family members letters of condolences and offers to provide whatever assistance they might need. I said my goodbye to her in peace, in my mind. I even wept a little. But it seemed not like a moment of despair, but one of grace. I'm not a religious person, the grace I use here is the one we see in the little connections our minds make that, when done properly, briefly illuminate our sights onto beyond the mundane. It made me want to use well my days here, not end them.

so this is a very long way to say an extremely heartfelt "thank you" and a sincere promise that "I'm back for good now" and that I will do anything within my power to help all of you through whatever troubles are afflicting you. as you have so selflessly done for me. sorry for the disappearance. it's great to be back.

Soooo...I tried to hang myself last Saturday. Didn't work, obviously, thank God. My will to live pulled me back from the brink.

Ended up under observation at the local hospital's psych ward for six days. Nice place, as these things go. Learned quite a bit about myself, the most important thing being that I really don't want to die. I mean, I am going to die, eventually. Just not by my own hand.

I'd gone off my meds, a bad mistake, and was hiding financial worries from my girlfriend, who now knows about them and (a) reassures me they're not that bad (they really aren't, relatively) and (b) reassures me that whatever happens she'll still love me. Anyway, it was the perfect storm of anxiety, shame and bad brain chemistry. I'm back on my meds and am starting counselling on Monday. I'm all right now. It feels like I sweated out a fever, like I needed to hit that bottom to learn what really matters. I wouldn't recommend anyone else learn it that way, though. Try to learn an easier way.

On a purely geeky level it's nice to be able to look forward to stuff like Django Unchained again instead of thinking "Well, I guess I'm not gonna be around for that." Whatever happens now, it's not gonna be as bad as being alone in a basement with a slipknot around my neck. I did almost die; I blacked out and could easily not be here right now. Getting that close to death gives you perspective, I'll say that much. What can you do to me that's worse than what I almost did to myself? So I feel lucky (punk), clean slate, new lease on life, etc. Again, I wouldn't recommend almost killing yourself in order to reach that insight.

martin, the whole hanging thing, I know exactly what you mean. I hope you didn't go too far with your attempt and I'm ecstatic that the results gave that ol' depression bitch the complete opposite effect it wanted your actions to have: instead of being a full stop, this was just a hiccup, a comma. It has given you vision for a better future and the pragmatism needed to get there. oh and your girlfriend is lovely, from what you've told us. keeper!!!! so happy things turned out for the best. as strong as subsequent urges to retry might be, fight them anyway you can. hell, fight them with lazyness! just don't give in. this place would be absolutely severely dented without you here. =)

Scroll down - as of this posting, it should be the second podcast listed. Give it a few minutes; Maria talks about her brush with being intensely suicidal and checking herself into a psych ward. She echoes a lot of things y'all have shared here, and it might help to here about someone else going through it.

I did want to mention that I have a good friend struggling with depression and suicidal thoughts, and that the insights I've gained here are helping me help them. So thank you, and do not give up the battle.

Scroll down - as of this posting, it should be the second podcast listed. Give it a few minutes; Maria talks about her brush with being intensely suicidal and checking herself into a psych ward. She echoes a lot of things y'all have shared here, and it might help to here about someone else going through it.

Andre- thanks for PMing me that you were back and feeling much more improved. As you know we were all worried and feeling helpless in efforts to assist you in your darkest hour or even get any info/updates on your condition. So super glad life is more worthwhile for you now.

I seem to remember many of your worries were girl / relationship related. Too many people in the world to get hung up on just one, my friend.

Might I suggest you find a public service avenue to help you get that 'helping others' feeling? I volunteer at a homeless shelter doing meal preparation and distribution and it really warms your heart fast & true to see the gratitude of those you assist first hand.

Just want to thank everyone for sharing, especially Andre and Martin. I hope this sentiment is interpreted in it's intended meaning: I really appreciate hearing from people who have been right on the brink or have actually stepped over the edge of suicide. I like having confirmation that, what I've come to realize for myself, and have passed off as truism's in trying to help others is correct. That depression really is messing with your head, that it really clouds your ability to rationalize properly how much things can and should affect you.

This is a simplification but I need it to really get to the core truth. I need the core truth so that I have something to cling to when my own black dog shows up. That "it's not as bad as I think it is, I will get over it, and yes I will enjoy things again". I'm unable to come up with an apt metaphor, but it really is so helpful to know there are some things I can believe.

I've come up with all sorts of rationalizations over the years to "postpone" my use of the final solution on depression. I've said" I can't go now my family and friends would be so hurt and upset, they'd never forgive themselves" that they would prefer to have me around and a failure then dead. That worked for almost a year. Then I became almost resentful of them, that they would keep me here in pain so the could avoid it...etc...etc....

I mean it when I said "postpone my death". I viewed depression as a ticking time-bomb in my head, all I could ever do is temporarily stop the countdown, but I could never turn it off. No matter how many times I got the clock to stop it would restart again at some point and I would finally die. I truly don't feel that way anymore. I still have my bad days, sometimes even bad weeks, but I really take solace in the fact that it's just my brain messing with me, nothing is that bad, and in a while I'll feel better.

For all I know this might just be another rationalization that is just a temporary fix until the sickness in my brain finds a way around it, but it doesn't feel like it.

So thank you everyone for sharing, it is so helpful to have your input it what we struggle with.

Thanks for the support, all.
Skierpete: the odd thing is, I didn't consciously decide to back out.

I understood that, thus my comment of "lucky man". It may not have been a concious thought at the time, but in hindsight you are clearly glad your life was saved, right?

Quote:

Originally Posted by andrevellozo

so this is a very long way to say an extremely heartfelt "thank you" and a sincere promise that "I'm back for good now" and that I will do anything within my power to help all of you through whatever troubles are afflicting you. as you have so selflessly done for me. sorry for the disappearance. it's great to be back.

I love this board. (and thanks for reading this t-rex sized message)

Andre - that is a really beautiful post. It's been a long, long time since depression held its grip on me, and I never approched the point of suicide. But, it is wonderful to read these stories of people coming back from the brink, and I really hope anyone out there that is still teetering on the edge of the abyss is inspired to take that first step back away thanks to these discussions. If there is even the smallest nudge for ONE person fom this thread, its a wonderful thing.

Can I also say that there is so much b*******t on the internet that it heartens me to read a thread like this where people a genuinely both reaching out for help AND trying to help each other.

SP

(Man - I read that back and I sound like a real sap - but I don't much care.)

thank YOU Mr. Banana Grabber (always thought I'd be thanking a MS. BANANA GRABBER hahahaahah) for your attention and support through all these times. I must really reiterate how important this board has been regarding my recovery. the give-and-take of stories and advices here are something unprecedented thus far within my realm of treatment. I told my psychiatrist about this forum and I have NEVER seen him so psyched about anything else I'd done to improve my health. I know people love to lament this modern age we live in (and I can't help but go a little Metal Gear Solid 2 towards it when I think about the amount of dreck we've been producing), but if this is not a proof of the positive powers of the whole "connected whilst lonely" lifestyle we've been experiencing for the past... decade (?), then I can't imagine what it is. I can only speak for myself, but I will speak and speak again when I say that this board was an absolutely instrumental, indispensable part of my recovery - without any exaggeration - as important a part of it as my family's support was. so, yeah, we have a lot o bullshit to deal with online. but I see it as a very apt metaphor for the shit we have to deal with in real life. we have to wade through the pain and the uselesness and the bullshit to find the things that TRULY matter. I would classify this board as such a thing, right along with my shrink sessions every week. This is a rambling, meandering post, but I think its shitty writing makes it no less important because in its words lies its true purpose: support.

we all talk crap, and we bare our souls (rightly and rightly unembarrasedly so) and we try to make ourselves and the depths of our conditions understood. and here, we seem to be able to do that. I mentioned the concept of "grace" in one of my previous posts. this post , and our interactions and exchanges within it are my very definition of such "grace". so I'll take this one moment to give ALL OF US a huge thumbs up (would a metaphorical hand-job be an ok term?) for this thread.

also, and this is quite off topic, but still... I've been thinking about getting myself a tattoo of my new phoenix avatar - it's been a very "rebirth" type of year and I've loved phoenixes symbolilcally since I was 10. do you like the design? where do you think it should go? back of the neck? I was thinking of getting that on the back of my neck with the words "Rise and Rise Again" (one of my favorite poetic lines - NOT OUT OF ROBIN HOOD, worry not) added to an Ankh on my left (writing hand) forearm. tattoos were never my thing , but I'd live to have some tangible (and maybe even sexy =P) marks to show for this year. what do y'all think?

also, and this is quite off topic, but still... I've been thinking about getting myself a tattoo of my new phoenix avatar - it's been a very "rebirth" type of year and I've loved phoenixes symbolilcally since I was 10. do you like the design? where do you think it should go? back of the neck? I was thinking of getting that on the back of my neck with the words "Rise and Rise Again" (one of my favorite poetic lines - NOT OUT OF ROBIN HOOD, worry not) added to an Ankh on my left (writing hand) forearm. tattoos were never my thing , but I'd live to have some tangible (and maybe even sexy =P) marks to show for this year. what do y'all think?

First, it's what YOU think about it that matters. Your skin, your tattoo.

Second, while the culture may vary quite a bit from the States, I'd caution against a neck tattoo. Place it somewhere that won't show for regular business stuff, just in case.

Third, think about it a while. That's a lifelong, permanent piece of art on your skin. You better really, really want it there.

I'd say hold off on the Ankh idea, mainly because a lot of people who "want a tattoo" get ankhs because they're "symbolic." Tattoos are deeply personal, but also public in a way, and wanting to commemorate a survival experience is a good motivation for a tattoo. The ankh is kind of a played image, but if you feel like you absolutely have to get it and that you can own it, go for it. With the phoenix, I'd ditch the flames (just out of taste preference), but the graphic is pretty neat. Still, you want more than "pretty neat." Something to consider is size and style. For the reasons that you want to get these tattoos, I'd opt for small, understated, and tasteful. It's an acknowledgement that you went through a very harrowing personal time and a reminder of strength, but you don't want the tattoos, and thus these bad memories, to really define you. "Going big" is probably counter productive, and probably doesn't fit with what you want to say with these.

But really take a while to think on it and meditate on the themes of the tattoos that you're thinking of getting right now. Over a period of time you might distill the imagery into something more unique, powerful, and meaningful to yourself, or you might decide that you don't want one at all.

btw; since this is a movie site; I wrote a script based on a novel by a relatively big-name author and sent it to him on a whim... guess what? he loved it and said he'll do his best to try to get it made!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

fuck. not only does he want to get it made, he wants ME to direct it. might sound like a dream come true, and it IS, I guess - it's one of my favourite books - but shit... the vote of confidence is amazing but I DO live in another continent and I have NEVER been to Canada (where the book takes place). I have a pretty singular vision for it but... damn... you know when you hope your dreams come true and then, if they do, you're terrified you can't do them justice?

guys, I might have a shot at directing what book covers describe as a "MAJOR MOTION PICTURE". and this guy's cast ideas are insane. scared as I am, I do think I can pull it off... I'm SO excited. wish I could go into more detail!!

fuck. not only does he want to get it made, he wants ME to direct it. might sound like a dream come true, and it IS, I guess - it's one of my favourite books - but shit... the vote of confidence is amazing but I DO live in another continent and I have NEVER been to Canada (where the book takes place). I have a pretty singular vision for it but... damn... you know when you hope your dreams come true and then, if they do, you're terrified you can't do them justice?

guys, I might have a shot at directing what book covers describe as a "MAJOR MOTION PICTURE". and this guy's cast ideas are insane. scared as I am, I do think I can pull it off... I'm SO excited. wish I could go into more detail!!

I do not wish to trivialize the difficulty some of you are going through, but, being on CHUD, is anyone else being depressed by movies, specifically the ones being discussed on CHUD lately? I'm beginning to think it's me, but I dunno.

-We've got another nine more hours in Middle Earth, trapping one of the most talented genre filmmakers in the world. And then, more Tintin!

-Guillermo Del Toro is making what feels like the eight hundredth giant robots movie in the last decade (it so isn't, but the iconography just feels super familiar).

-Does it have to be "Star Trek Into Darkness"? Couldn't it be "Star Trek Into... Enlightenment"? "Star Trek Into The Alternate Earth"? I'll take "Star Wars Into Sears Menswear."

-Warner Bros. keep poking at the corpse of Nolan's Batman when the character's death (metaphorical or otherwise) was both thematically satisfying and resulted in a billion dollars.

-"Star Wars." Forever.

-And while I like this taken independent of everything else, I see all this bleak stuff, and then I see Superman get lectured on why he possibly shouldn't have rescued a bus full of drowning schoolkids.

this is a dream about to come true and it wouldn't have been so if it weren't for you guys. thank you so much to all of you for your support.

Dude...I really hope this all works out for you, but I would hope you don't put your whole emotions behind it until its 100% a go. There's a lot of things in Hollywood that come *THIS CLOSE* and fall through. I would just hate to see you revert back to the bad place you were previously.

Quote:

Originally Posted by andrevellozo

can you imagine shitting on a crappy film I directed here on this very website in a couple years??? I think I'd rather see that than win an Oscar!!!

That's too funny! I would hope you will let us know what is when the movie is 100% a go, and we'll be sure to ALL shit mightily on your movie for you! (That is what the internet does best after all. Well, that and funny cats.)

Dude...I really hope this all works out for you, but I would hope you don't put your whole emotions behind it until its 100% a go. There's a lot of things in Hollywood that come *THIS CLOSE* and fall through. I would just hate to see you revert back to the bad place you were previously.

Big time on this. I hope it works out for you, but prepare yourself for the possibility of it not happening. Filmmaking is a bitch on the emotions and stability. Especially when you're trying to get things off the ground.

can you imagine shitting on a crappy film I directed here on this very website in a couple years??? I think I'd rather see that than win an Oscar!!!

I often think to myself the same thing. If I ever manage to become a director the dream I aim for isn't the recognition of critics I just want to one day to be in public and overhear someone recombining the movie I directed to someone else. Nothing would make me happier. Same goes for seeing it discussed on CHUD.

I'm glad to see you here again andrevellozo, keep raging against that depression and you'll get over the worst bits. I find that rage is sometimes the only thing I can do in my darker moments. I take all my missed opportunities and failures and blame them on the depression, trying to separate the depression from myself and then work up a good rage against it. I try to treat it like an antagonist because nothing will piss me off more when someone tries to belittle me and make me feel worthless.

I then take the energy that comes with that anger and workout, or clean, or write so by the end of the day I can tell myself I've at least accomplished something and am not useless after all.

It is one of my ways of getting through it

By the way I hope that movie project of yours happens, and if not look at it this way. You've just made a good friend out of one of your favorite authors and you can be rest assured that he will put your name out there in the future every time a studio wants to option one of his books.

oh yeah, I'm totally aware of that. I'm actually just very stoked that the actual writer of the book liked the script I wrote based on it. but I know that it takes A LOT more than that to make a film, so I'm not putting ANY eggs on that basket until .. well until we're all shitting on it here on CHUD! hahahahaah

I do not wish to trivialize the difficulty some of you are going through, but, being on CHUD, is anyone else being depressed by movies, specifically the ones being discussed on CHUD lately? I'm beginning to think it's me, but I dunno.

-We've got another nine more hours in Middle Earth, trapping one of the most talented genre filmmakers in the world. And then, more Tintin!

-Guillermo Del Toro is making what feels like the eight hundredth giant robots movie in the last decade (it so isn't, but the iconography just feels super familiar).

-Does it have to be "Star Trek Into Darkness"? Couldn't it be "Star Trek Into... Enlightenment"? "Star Trek Into The Alternate Earth"? I'll take "Star Wars Into Sears Menswear."

-Warner Bros. keep poking at the corpse of Nolan's Batman when the character's death (metaphorical or otherwise) was both thematically satisfying and resulted in a billion dollars.

-"Star Wars." Forever.

-And while I like this taken independent of everything else, I see all this bleak stuff, and then I see Superman get lectured on why he possibly shouldn't have rescued a bus full of drowning schoolkids.

Makes the indie film world look like a bowl of sunshine, really.

My contribution after seeing the Superman trailer in a packed theatre last night was to yell, "WHY SO SERIOUS?" Got a pretty good laugh.

(My apologies complaining when we have an actual national tragedy going on. This post is not meant in any way to minimize that. My troubles are utterly lightweight in comparison.)

Sorry to hijack the thread. Been a really shitty week. It appears that, due to his own awful choices and some bad ones I made (it's a really complex and darkly comic web), I'm parting ways with one of my closest friends. We've known each other since we were 11 (more than 30 years), and have been pretty close since the late 90s. I've gotten very little sleep, and another relationship that's really important to me is teetering on crumbling. And tonight, I ended up ordering the wrong kind of pizza for my daughters.

At the pizza place, I sat in my car and wept while they made the replacement pie.

Things will even out. I will be OK. But holy shit, this week. This fucking week.

your reaction to all this is nothing to be ashamed of. sometimes the world overwhelms us. and don't worry about talking about yourself amidst this tragic, tragic event that took place today. in fact, since you're a parent (I'm not), I'd say that today's tragedy might have even added to your suffering. we all hurt for the families in CT today. the world over. it does NOT, however, stop you from asking for help.

about your friendship... I'm also very sorry to hear about that. I've never had friendships end over actions, only because of people growing apart. if the damage is not irreparable (did I spell that right?), might I suggest a talking session so you can work things out? I have had fights with my best mates over the years, some of them pretty big, but we were still able to work our way through them and we're still very very close.

I hope all gets better soon, brother, I really do. and if there is ANYTHING I can do, just ask. we're all here for you.

No need to apologize, Michael. The micro hurts matter as much as the macro ones do.

I'm sorry that you're hurting right now, man. I can't imagine breaking up with my own bud of 20 years - it'd be like losing a brother. No doubt your loss has been hitting in waves all week. They'll subside in time but all that can be said right now is stay strong , hold your girls a little tighter tonight, & know that you're well loved by many & well liked by many more.

A good night's sleep and a good chat with the person in the relationship I thought might be disintegrating helped. I'm tired this morning, but not in the awful place I was last night. It'll be a good day, and I'm more centered and peaceful already.

Alright, let's talk about antidepressants. I'm thinking about giving them a shot.

What should I inquire about next time I go to the doctor? Looking for something with the least side-effects, basically. I don't want to turn into a zombie and I want something that it's possible to drink with, since I hang with so many social drinkers*.

Citalopram is pretty mild - does not make me feel like a zombie in the least (but then I'm on a pretty low dosage - 20mg/day, and I skip every second one now trying to wean myself off) BUT it does tend to really dent what little alcohol-holding capacity I have. That said, I've never been a big drinker, so if I go for a few weeks without a drink, one will hit me a lot quicker than if I've been having wine most nights (like around this time of year). So, YMMV re the compatibility of citalopram and alcohol.

Just a follow up...the weekend DEFINITELY improved as it went along. I had a great time with my daughters, and the second relationship I had been concerned about is actually in very good shape.Thanks for the good thoughts and encouragement, everyone. Sorry for the thread hijack.

Alright, let's talk about antidepressants. I'm thinking about giving them a shot.

What should I inquire about next time I go to the doctor? Looking for something with the least side-effects, basically. I don't want to turn into a zombie and I want something that it's possible to drink with, since I hang with so many social drinkers*.

*Eh, who am I kidding, I'm probably an alcoholic.

You.re not the only one turning into an alcoholic. I'm drunk posting right now. I'm really lonely and pathetic today. I wish I was capable of regular human emotions. My mother died in 2001 and I"ve only really cried once since then, When my father told me he had cancer. And I don't really even like him. that"s fucked up. Really, I'll start to cry then I will just turn off like a switch has been flipped, yjen I'm done.

You.re not the only one turning into an alcoholic. I'm drunk posting right now. I'm really lonely and pathetic today. I wish I was capable of regular human emotions. My mother died in 2001 and I"ve only really cried once since then, When my father told me he had cancer. And I don't really even like him. that"s fucked up. Really, I'll start to cry then I will just turn off like a switch has been flipped, yjen I'm done.

You're hardly a non-human incapable of feeling human emotion. My mother died when I was 13 & I've NEVER cried about it. In fact, on her deathbed, I was surprised that I wasn't wailing. It was all too real. That said, the loss was devastating & I still feel it.

My Dad has cancer too & we're not very close. I care & I care about him but I've never cried about it. I've just made myself available to help.

No, dude, you are NOT a borderline sociopath & you are clearly capable of regular human emotion. Ya know how I know for sure? Because crazy people don't question whether they're crazy or not.

I've just got back from third meeting with my new Psychiatrist. The last one didn't end well. He didn't let me answer questions and kept dismissing me with his hand. I told him so. He didn't like it.

Today was better. He agrees that I am Bipolar. I've had four different doctors in the past say the same. I told him I've been cutting down on my meds and the only drug I'm taking now is Clomazipam. The only reason I'm not taking that anymore is my last shrink didn't tell me I would get addicted to it. The last few weeks have been a personal hell coming off the four drugs I was on and lowering the 'pams.

I now feel like i'm coming back to life. I can remember things. I feel emotions. I now cry. I feel like I'm more vital and intelligent than I have been for the five years I've been on various prescription drugs.

The Clomazipam hurts like a bastard if I take it down too low. Real gut wrenching physical pain and the lowest depression a human should feel. I'm now down to one tablet cut in half a day and I'll continue until I'm away from it.

I reckon I've got another two months of this pain and then I'm clear. I don't recommend any other Bipolar sufferer does the same without speaking to a doctor. I just don't take well to any of the drugs. I've had hair loss, had nearly a year wiped from my memory from Seroquel. 'Eternal Sunshine Of A Spotless Mind', except it took away memories I want.

I now know I need to live clean. No street drugs, alcohol or nicotine. Kind of ironic when I came up at 14 as a straight edge, Rollins loving little skater. I wish I could go back in time and tell him to stay that way.

Apart from having no family (they are the whole reason I am this way, no reconciliation), I am an ex-pat Englishman living in Australia and I get racism on a daily basis. I have no friends here even though I'm a musician who seems to be doing well in the rest of the world. Sad but true. This place is not friendly and multicultural at all. It's a shame as the country is so beautiful.

The next thing is to find people here to mix with and maybe be friends with. Just writing that makes me feel like I'm in primary school.

Alright, let's talk about antidepressants. I'm thinking about giving them a shot.

What should I inquire about next time I go to the doctor? Looking for something with the least side-effects, basically. I don't want to turn into a zombie and I want something that it's possible to drink with, since I hang with so many social drinkers*.

*Eh, who am I kidding, I'm probably an alcoholic.

Nexus... trust me when I say this... antidepressants are VERY personal and case-sensitive drugs. so what works for me and whatever side effects a specific pill might have for me may end up being completely different for you. I've tried A LOT of them. some of them worked. some of them made my depression worse. some of them made me physically sick. unfortunately, this is not yet an accurate enough science to the point in which one can simply suggest a particular pill. also, most of them are NOT alcohol-friendly, so... sorry about that.

I'm just coming off long-term use of zoloft and lamictal, but I took other things as well. my best advice is this: if you're needing and, most importantly, willing, then talk to your doctor ASAP. all the best to all.

Alright, let's talk about antidepressants. I'm thinking about giving them a shot.

What should I inquire about next time I go to the doctor? Looking for something with the least side-effects, basically. I don't want to turn into a zombie and I want something that it's possible to drink with, since I hang with so many social drinkers*.

*Eh, who am I kidding, I'm probably an alcoholic.

As mentioned, anti-depressants are a very personal thing. Giving them a shot is a very good idea, though. Once you find the right one, the quality of your life could be greatly improved. I've done both Zoloft and Effexor (not at the same time) and they were a godsend. Never had a problem drinking with them either. The only side-effect I ever experienced was dizziness when I forgot to take them 2 days in a row, but that's why you've got to get weaned off them when you're gonna stop taking.

I sometimes find it hard to write anything when I feel like I have nothing to say and end up writing nothing. Be it on these boards or in my fiction. You only need to see this in my post count. While others who have frequented the boards as long as I have have over ten thousand posts to their name, I've just cracked three. I often read entire threads intending to post when I get caught up on the discussion only to find my option has been voiced by several other people. So I don't post.

It is not that I think posting would be wasting my time. I don't post because I feel like I'd be wasting other people's time. I can't tell you how many times I've typed out a full several paragraph response and then erased it after deciding that it is unnecessary.

Of all my faults the thing I hate the most Is my battle with self doubt. It is certainly a big component of my depression that I am always fighting. I remember being extremely outgoing as a young kid, I could start up and carry a conversation with anyone at any time, then round about the third grade I lost that ability and also gained a crippling sense of self awareness. I would love to not care about what other people think of me. I try not to, but it feels hard wired into me and keeps me from achieving career goals because I am too afraid of finding myself being the green one in a new situation, worried that my mere presence will cause something bad to happen that will ruin everyone else's day.

it has happend in the past, and now I'm terrified of it happening again. It was nothing serious, I was in a tour group, looking at a big piece of machinery. I stepped back to let a guy pass me and backed into an emergency stop button. It completely brought the machine to a halt and cut the tour short, not to mention making the guide furious with me. I can't say it wasn't my fault as It most likely wouldn't have happened if I was not there. I can say I did not intend to back into the button. To make it worse the guide was someone I admired and was planning to ask him questions about the film industry because he had been a former producer before starting this tour guide thing as a hobby.

Anyway I wrote an apology and was forgiven as much as I could have hoped to be from the response.

But I dream about it all the fucking time years after the fact. It's like my mind can't let go of it.

With the backing-into-the-button thing, it sounds like you're minding/overly aware of other people and desperate not to be in anyone's way or inconveniencing them.

Possible useful tip: You have every right to be where you are. If someone comes along and needs to get past you, it's actually okay for you to take a few beats before you comply or go along with the new narrative or requested action. Let your otherwise occupied brain catch up with what's suddenly going on, before acting. That way you might catch Sod's Law bullshit like a giant stop button right next to where a the idiot tour guide crowds in his group.

Conversely, it's also okay to be the guy needing to get thru, finishing what you're saying when someone else starts talking over you, grabbing the last item on the supermarket shelf and all those sort of socially assertive situations. It's all equal measures. Don't take "things going right" as a responsibility that's solely on your shoulders and certainly don't see you being the guy who misses out/takes the hit as serving a greater cause of community harmony (if you're missing out, that's as bad as someone else missing out). That's an over-active Super-Ego, which is every bit as bad as an over-active Ego.

It may be as simple as mentally counting to 3 whenever ever some social stressor or social anxiety trigger suddenly jumps out at you. Better to be a bit slow/chill on the uptake than a startled rabbit. You'll likely find that a mental count of 3 is more than enough to evaluate what's going on and process your options etc.

As for self doubt - if you're the same Tim K who does reviews etc for the main site. Are you confident in what you think about Movie X despite what commenters say in response? If so, just imagine everyone else you meet in day-to-day life as a random CHUD commenter. Whatever anybody else's wants, likes, needs or goals are they don't automatically over-ride yours. Not on CHUD, not in real life.

And good lord - Princess Kate had a gigantic post count. Much better you delete something redundant than post for the sake of posting. The people who post huge amounts are either unemployed or under-utilized at their jobs. It's not a measure of quality or valuable contribution.

As for self doubt - if you're the same Tim K who does reviews etc for the main site. Are you confident in what you think about Movie X despite what commenters say in response? If so, just imagine everyone else you meet in day-to-day life as a random CHUD commenter. Whatever anybody else's wants, likes, needs or goals are they don't automatically over-ride yours. Not on CHUD, not in real life.

Thanks for the advice but I am not the same guy that does the reviews. He goes by the moniker roboTimKelly.

He and I share the same first name and last initials and I knew there would be confusion when I decided I rather post under my real name than continue to post under my previous handle (sleeplesslumber) which I never really liked.

As for self doubt - if you're the same Tim K who does reviews etc for the main site. Are you confident in what you think about Movie X despite what commenters say in response? If so, just imagine everyone else you meet in day-to-day life as a random CHUD commenter. Whatever anybody else's wants, likes, needs or goals are they don't automatically over-ride yours. Not on CHUD, not in real life.