Tuesday, May 24, 2005

How Wrong Can You Be?

Hi folks. Tim Marshall here hosting America’s favorite game show, “How Wrong Can You Be?” That’s right. This is the show where your ignorance is our entertainment. As you know, the losing contestant gets a whole lot of humiliation and grief from moi just for being so stupid. But hey, it’s funny. So let’s jump right into the show. Shall we? Bob, who are our contestants today?

BobWell, Tim, we have a pastry chef from Birmingham, Alabama who loves golfing, crossword puzzles and Monster Truck events. Let’s here it for Gregory Shiller.

[Shiller enters and stands behind a podium]

TIMGregory, welcome.

GREGORYThanks, Tim. Glad to be here.

TIMWho’s your favorite monster truck?

GREGORYWhoa. I hope the other questions are a little tougher. It’s the Grave Digger, Tim.

TIMOkay. Mine too. Bob?

BOBOur second contestant is from San Francisco, California. Gina Fazzetti loves the Grateful Dead, nude swimming and Sushi.[Gina enters]

TIMGina. Welcome to the show. But…there’s something wrong here.

GINAWhat’s that, Tim?

TIMYou don’t have a flower in your hair.

GINA[laughing]Tim, that’s only when you’re going to San Francisco, not Burbank.

TIMPoint taken. Okay. Tonight, everyone, we have a very, very, very special surprise. Our third contestant is…well, Bob, go ahead and spill the beans.

BOBWow. Well, he lives in Washington, D.C. He’s a huge fan of the show. Guesses anyone? He hails from Texas originally…. Yes…here on our show….The President of the United States, George Bush.[Bush enters to Pomp and Circumstance as the crowd goes wild. He goes to his podium, smiling broadly]

TIMWow. All I can think right now is, “WOW.” President Bush, welcome.

BUSHThanks, Tim. Glad to be here.

TIMWhy…how…I’m tongue tied. First time in decades. Sir, how did you decide to come on our show?

BUSHWell, Tim. I am really a big fan. Sure, I could have done Leno or Larry King, but where’s the fun in that? [audience howls] I wanted to participate. You know, be a part of the show.

TIMAnd so you are. Okay. If I don’t move it along, our sponsors will participate in canceling the show.

BUSHI understand.

TIMOkay, contestants. Let’s begin, “How Wrong Can You Be?” First question. It goes to Gina, who won the toss backstage. The category is U.S. history. Gina. Ready.

GINAReady, Tim.

TIMThe War of 1812 began in what U.S. city?

GINAWar of 1812? What… Oh, my.

TIMHurry, Gina.

GINAOkay. New York?

TIMOh, sorry, Gina. Detroit. Believe it or not. A bad place to be even then. Okay, Gregory. Here is your question. The category is music. In 1843 Richard Wagner wrote what famous piece of music?

GREGORYWho?

TIMRichard Wagner. 1843.

GREGORYJesus…. Oh, scuse me. Uh…wow. Mmm was it the fifth concerto?

TIMOoh. No. I’m sorry. It was Die Fliegende Hollander. We would have accepted The Flying Dutchman. Well, that brings us to our third contestant…the President of the United States. [audience applauds wildly] Are you ready, Sir?

BUSHReady, Tim.

TIMHere we go. The category is entertainment. Here’s the question. In 1981, Steven Spielberg made an action, adventure movie about a tough-as-nails archeologist on a search for the Holy Grail. What was that movie?

BUSHGee… It’s on the tip of my tongue. I can see the guy with the hat…

TIM[under his breath] Harrison Ford.

BUSHYeah. Uh…. Wow… This is tougher than I thought. Mmm, Ship of Fools?

TIMClose enough. Raiders of the Lost Ark.

BUSHWow. That was a last second shot.

TIMWell. Good going, Sir.

GINAExcuse me, Tim, but his guess was wrong.

TIMOkay. Okay. That’s a valid observation on the surface, but…paragraph 6, subsection B of the rules state that an answer given in good faith, with some relationship to the actual answer may be accepted as the right answer.

GINAHuh?

TIMOkay, it’s back to Gregory. Watch out. The Prez is up ten points.

GREGORYI’m ready.

TIMHere it is. The category is “artists.” Who is considered the last and greatest master of the ukiyo-e style of painting?

TIMThe category is art. Who is the Dutch artist know for cutting off his own ear?

BUSHArtist who cut off his ear? Who…? Gosh darn it. I shoulda paid more attention in school.

TIMThis from the President of the United States.

BUSHUmm, Picasso?

TIMOkay, you are close. Ends in “O.”

GREGORYLook, I voted for Bush, but you can’t give him hints.

TIMGregory, I’m sorry, but we’re going to have to deduct points for speaking out of turn.

GREGORYWhat? That’s just wrong….

[a note is passed to Bush during the exchange]

BUSHVan Gogh, Tim. Vincent Van Gogh.

TIM That is correct, Sir. Wow. You are taking a commanding lead.

GINACan I come back on another night?

TIMGina, it’s your turn. The category is ancient architecture.

GINAAre you kidding me?

TIMWhat Greek sculpture oversaw the construction of the Parthenon in Athens.

GINAThis is bull—

TIMYour answer, please.

GINAHowdy Doody.

TIMOh, I am sorry, Gina. It’s Phidias. Phidias. Gregory?

GREGORYWhat?

TIMIt’s your turn. The category is Mayan history.

GREGORYOooh. My area of expertise.

TIM Who was the Mayan god of war?

GREGORYParis Hilton.

TIMSorry, big guy. It’s Cit Chac Coh. Okay, here we are with the final question of the night. Mr. President, answer this on correctly and you take home the grand prize.

BUSHGrand prize, huh? Hope it’s a Hummer.

TIM[whispering to someone off stage] Okay. Sorry about that. Now, here is your question. The category is Famous Monuments. This memorial is located near Rapid City, South Dakota. It depicts the heads of four famous U.S. presidents. What is the name of this monument?

TIM[excited] Mount Rushmore. That is correct. You are tonight’s big winner.

[Gina and Time talk for a moment and then walk off the set]

TIMHey, guys…. Well, what are you going to do with sore losers. Huh?

BUSHCould have them arrested. [pause] Just kidding, Tim.

TIMI knew that, Sir. Okay, this is the big moment. Bob, tell the President what he has won tonight.

BOBMr. President, you are now the proud owner of…a brand new jet black Hummer.

[audience goes crazy as curtains rise to reveal Hummer]

BUSHOh my God. It’s beautiful. A work of art.

TIMAnd it’s all yours, Sir.

BUSHWow, Tim. This was really tough, I have to say. You know, you play at home and it seems like you can answer every question, but when you’re here…it’s really more stressful.

TIM Well, Sir, let me be the first to say that you handled the stress like the leader that you are. Cool. Very cool. Okay America. That’s it for tonight. Unfortunately, we can’t ridicule our losers because they’ve left the studio. But the winner remains. Let’s sign off with a huge round of applause for the President of the United States.