From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Thu May 24 19:43:00 2001
Received: (from daemon@localhost)
by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.9.3/8.9.3/IUCS_2.32) id TAA25692;
Thu, 24 May 2001 19:18:46 -0500 (EST)
Date: Thu, 24 May 2001 19:18:46 -0500 (EST)
From: Internet Oracle
Message-Id: <200105250018.TAA25692@moose.cs.indiana.edu>
To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu
Subject: Internet Oracularities #1219
Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu
X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A
PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB
kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT
X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces
=== 1219 =================================================================
Title: Internet Oracularities #1219
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler
Date: Thu, 24 May 2001 19:18:33 -0500 (EST)
To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to
participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help"
in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)
Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message). For example:
1219
2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1
1214 54 votes 18hgc 3amd6 18fm8 68ii4 9dk93 4cib9 2gp83 47ceh ake73 7aeda
1214 3.1 mean 3.6 3.2 3.5 3.1 2.7 3.2 2.9 3.6 2.5 3.2
--- 1219-01 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Christophe
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> So, where is the beef?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} If you would like a joke which makes a reference to the fast food
} industry using artificial meat products in their hamburgers, please
} press one.
}
} If you would like a joke about Mad Cow disease, please press two.
}
} If you would directions to the beef, please press three.
}
} If you would like us to locate the beef via the Global Positioning
} System, please press four.
}
} If you would like some vague sexual innuendo which takes the term
} "beef" to be a euphemism for something, please press five.
}
} [BEEP}
}
} In my pants, baby.
}
} You owe the Oracle a rotary telephone.
--- 1219-02 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Paul Kelly"
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oracle most wise, you are more clever than a boatload of
> drowning mystery writers and twice as funny as everyone
> that ever watched Sid Caesar on TV,
>
> Why is soccer more popular than dungeons and dragons?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Timothy, John and Davey are sitting around a table surrounded
} by empty pizza boxes and two-liter bottles of Dr. Pepper. Various
} kinds of dice litter the table. Timothy is sitting behind a screen.
}
} TIMOTHY: Okay you guys are playing [rolls some dice] the
} Brazilian soccer team. There are [rolls dice] 11 of them. They
} are attacking.
}
} JOHN: I have Cleats of Defense +3.
}
} TIMOTHY: You are going to get hit in the leg with the soccer
} ball. It is going to do [rolls] 3 hit points of damage.
}
} DAVEY: I want to cast Magic Missile!
}
} TIMOTHY: Okay, you cast Magic Missile and the missile goes out
} of bounds. The Brazilians will inbound.
}
} JOHN: I've got a Wand of Intercepting.
}
} TIMOTHY: Okay, you have the ball. Now what?
}
} DAVEY: I'm going to cast Shot on Goal!
}
} TIMOTHY: Okay, you cast Shot on Goal [rolls] but the goalie
} makes his saving throw. They are casting Corner Kick.
}
} DAVEY: Can I cast Yellow Card?
}
} TIMOTHY: No, that's a second-level spell. Sorry.
}
} JOHN: I think I have a scroll with Yellow Card on it!
}
} TIMOTHY: You can't use that. They are attempting to score.
}
} JOHN: I have chain mail on!
}
} TIMOTHY: You're trying to run in your chain mail and he outruns you.
}
} DAVEY: I'm going to cast Web in front of the goal.
}
} TIMOTHY: Oh no! The spell backfires! Your goalie can't move. He
} shoots. He scores. GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAL! The score is 1-0.
}
} JOHN: I kick the ball downfield. I have a Helm of Passing +5.
}
} DAVEY: I'm going to cast Fireball!
}
} TIMOTHY: You cast Fireball and the stadium is on fire. Fans run
} away screaming. The game has been called. You lose 1-0.
}
} You owe the Oracle a three-side die.
--- 1219-03 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Paul Kelly"
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> sometimes i like to touch my bottom?
>
> __________________________________________________
> Do You Yahoo!?
> Get email at your own domain with Yahoo! Mail.
> http://personal.mail.yahoo.com/
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Now we all know what it means to "Yahoo".
--- 1219-04 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab"
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> This message is in MIME format. Since your mail reader does not
> understand this format, some or all of this message may not be legible.
>
> ------_=_NextPart_001_01C0D7F2.A8AC1040
> Content-Type: text/plain; charset="ISO-8859-1"
>
> Great Oracle, who's shoelaces I am unworthy to be strangled by, I beg
> your assistance with an unworthy question:
>
> Why does "Q" always hang around with that "U" character?
>
> ------_=_NextPart_001_01C0D7F2.A8AC1040
>
> [ Redundant, unwanted HTML part helpfully deleted by Priest. ]
>
> ------_=_NextPart_001_01C0D7F2.A8AC1040--
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} This message is in THESPIAN (Therefore in Holy Electronic Spoken
} Proverbs I've Answered, Nimrod) format. Since your primitive intellect
} does not understand this format, some or all of this message may not be
} legible.
}
} Ahem. Anyway, as it so happens, the Q is not hanging around with U.
} In fact, you will notice that almost always, U is following Q. This is
} despite the fact that the Q has, to date, requested six separate
} restraining orders barring U from coming within two consonants and a
} vowel of her. It is true that Q and U used to be an item, in fact they
} used to be members of a band. Maybe you've heard of "Queen"? But ever
} since Q took that trip to Iraq and U caught her hanging around with
} that lecherous arab, A, things just went quickly, quietly sour. Q
} moved out, living for a while in an old quonset hut, but realized that
} U had followed her again. Her quest for solitude went unfulfilled, as
} U dogged her every step. She even sought the aid of then-VP Dan
} Quayle, but he proved less sympathetic than she had hoped. Her queries
} to the queen were intercepted, and U had no qualms about the quantity
} of iniquity he was committing in tampering with Her Majesty's letters,
} bills, and cheques.
}
} In desperation, Q fled to Mozambique, but even there, U followed her.
} She tried to send a tribe of Native Americans to intimidate U into
} leaving her alone, but U signed a treaty with the Iriquois instead.
} She thought she lost him when she ducked out of a queue for a
} discoteque in Quebec. She went to introduce him to her friend, an E.
} They brought along another U and E, and Q hoped that four vowels would
} form a clique and leave her alone. Sadly, U just wouldn't quit.
}
} Eventually, Q was forced to quaff quintuple the maximum survivable
} amount of quinine. In this queer manner, she brought quiet to her soul
} at last.
}
} You owe the Oracle a queen-sized waterbed, a quiche, a daquiri, and a
} quarterhorse.
--- 1219-05 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Tim Chew"
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh oracle, whose toenail clippings make Mike Tyson look like Woody
> Allen, please answer my query...
>
> Whose brilliant idea was earwax, anyway?
>
> Jerald Sulligan [name changed to protect the guilty]
> Goldman Sachs, Investment Banking Dept
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} ====================================
} The Wall Street Journal
} ====================================
}
} New York-- In a surprise move, investment banking and securities firm
} Goldman Sachs announced Friday its intent to begin trading in what
} a company spokesman defined as "really gross body stuff", as soon as
} a few remaining ownership and copyright issues can be resolved.
}
} "We've completed extensive research in the toenail clipping arena",
} stated Jerald Sulligan in the Investment Banking Department, who
} developed the plan. "We feel we really have it nailed." Sulligan says
} that Goldman Sachs anticipates an especially strong market in the
} celebrity toenail clipping line, noting that most current activity
} centers around Bloomington, Indiana. "We don't know what's there,
} exactly, but it must be knee-deep in toenail clippings by now."
}
} The company is also developing funds based on belly-button lint,
} boogers, and "that crusty stuff you find in the corners of your eyes
} in the morning".
}
} Earwax seems to be the only sticking point for the company. "We need
} to resolve the IP issues", said Sulligan. "We've gotta figure out who
} invented the stuff, whether any royalties are due, that sort of thing.
} I've got someone working on it right now."
}
} Market analysts remain skeptical, but executives at Goldman Sachs
} expressed full confidence in Sulligan's plan. "This guy's a heavy
} hitter," said company CEO Henry Paulson. "It's not like he spends
} all day screwing around on the Internet or anything."
--- 1219-06 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Kirsten R. Chevalier"
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> You are a great and powerful Oracle whose knowledge encompasses
> even trivia! So what does the Swiss army do with all those knives?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} What can't they do?!
}
} They've used the spoon to dig tunnels through The Alps, they've
} used the corkscrew to twist laws around allowing them to launder
} money from every corner of the world, they've use the pliers
} to fine tune many a yodel, they've used the tweezers to pick
} out just the good parts of their neighbors' cultures, they've
} used the knife to slice inefficiency, they've used the tooth-
} pick to get errant guttural vowels out of their teeth... the
} uses are endless, and limited only by your imagination and
} ability to withstand the cold.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Police Model Spyderco, the Oracle is more
} into full frontal slashing attacks.
--- 1219-07 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence (lawrence.4@osu.edu)"
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Does your poop stink?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Of course not,
}
} It's swabbed daily, as is the foc'sle, the bridge, and the gun'al.
}
} You owe The Oracle an 'Avast me Hearty', and a 'shiver me timbers'
--- 1219-08 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Kirsten R. Chevalier"
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> H
> e
> l
> p
> !
>
> M
> y
>
> p
> a
> r
> a
> c
> h
> u
> t
> e
>
> w
> o
> n
> '
> t
>
> o
> p
> e
> n
> !
>
> W
> h
> a
> t
>
> d
> o
>
> I
>
> d
> o
> ?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Cry out!
} Shut your eyes!
} Think positive and smile!
} Flap your arms up and down!
} Sing your favourite songs loudly!
} Curse gravity and low air resistance!
} T h r a s h a r o u n d !
} W h i n e a n d s h a k e !
} M o m m y !!
} H ee lp!!
} A aa rgh!!
} N O O!!
} \ I /
} I
} / \
} SPLAT
} ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^
} That is what you do. What you *should* do is saving your game more
} often and cleaning your keyboard so that the F4 key will work in your
} time of need.
} You owe the Oracle a coffee-resistent keyboard.
--- 1219-09 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence (lawrence.4@osu.edu)"
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> On Monday 21 May 4:01AM PST 2001,
> The Internet Oracle wrote:
>
> [slightly humorous reply to hilarious question deleted]
>
> } You owe the Oracle $50,000 and a plastic grocery bag that doesn't
> } spill in the car.
>
> Oracle, with your omniscient greatness, surely you must know that I
> don't have $50,000 -- not even if I borrow from every relative and
> friend that still speaks to me. If I continue to pay my bills, it will
> take at least 20 years to save up that kind of money. Why do you ask for
> tribute that you know I cannot pay?
>
> Do you wish me to fail? Of course not -- for this would imply that
> The Internet Oracle is masochistic, and surely with your omniscient
> greatness this cannot be so.
>
> Perhaps you had a momentary memory lapse? No, this cannot be true
> either. It is known that you are omniscient -- not merely "smart" or
> "good with figures," but completely omniscient, knowing everything that
> is. This is inconsistent with memory lapses. Further, memory lapses
> imply fatigue, and therefore cannot apply to your omniscient greatness.
>
> I must assume that there is some way for me to raise the money in order
> to pay your tribute. Oracle, you inspire me towards greatness, but never
> will I be worthy to suck the lint from your navel. If you choose not to
> tell me how to raise this money, then I must accept the inevitable: You
> mean for me to devise my own ways.
>
> Thanks be to Oracle, who (through omniscience and infinite wisdom) can
> give me the information needed to complete His Holy Wishes.
>
> According to your apparent wishes, Oracle, I have devised a plan to
> raise $50,000 after taxes -- which I will have delivered to you at once.
> However, in order to carry out this plan I must have some information
> from you. Please supply me with all of the following information:
> - The winning California Lotto numbers for next draw and (in case
> E-mail is slow) the draw after that
> - Lisa's phone number (for confirmation)
> - The numbers and names of the first-place horses in the first six
> races at Santa Anita this weekend (so I can play the Pick Six).
> - The URL's and passwords of some Internet porno sites -- something
> to keep me occupied while sitting around, waiting for Lotto and
> horses. (Nothing fancy, maybe just some of your old ones)
> - The location of a store that sells plastic grocery bags that don't
> spill in the car
>
> Thanks Orrie!
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} It seems that I must do just about everything for myself. You're a good
} groveller, so I'll help you out a bit.
}
} 00011111112223334445555556677777888888899AAaaaaabCcccccccccccccccccccccc
} cDddEEeeeeeFffggghhhIiJJJjKLllMmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmNnnnOoooooooooooo
} oooooooooPppQRRRrrrrrrSSsssssTTTTttUUuuuVvvvWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWX
} XXXXXxxxxYYy::::::::::::::::////////////////////////////////////////////
} ///--------((
}
} There, I even sorted it for you. Have the money here by Monday.
--- 1219-10 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Christophe
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> I am a psychotherapist. Please describe your problems.
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} problem \Prob"lem\, n. [F. probl[`e]me, L. problema, fr. Gr. ? anything
} thrown forward, a question proposed for solution, fr. ? to throw or lay
} before; ? before, forward + ? to throw. Cf. Parable. ] 1. A question
} proposed for solution; a matter stated for examination or proof; hence,
} a matter difficult of solution or settlement; a doubtful case; a
} question involving doubt. --Bacon.
}
} 2. (Math.) Anything which is required to be done; as, in geometry, to
} bisect a line, to draw a perpendicular; or, in algebra, to find an
} unknown quantity.
}
} Note: Problem differs from theorem in this, that a problem is something
} to be done, as to bisect a triangle, to describe a circle, etc.; a
} theorem is something to be proved, as that all the angles of a triangle
} are equal to two right angles.
}
} Plane problem (Geom.), a problem that can be solved by the use of the
} rule and compass.
}
} Solid problem (Geom.), a problem requiring in its geometric solution
} the use of a conic section or higher curve.