Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Supernatural Shakedown: Season 7 Episode 9 OR Don't Order The Turducken

Episode #9: How To Win Friends and Influence Monsters.Previously on Supernatural...Sam got married to Crazy Becky. Then got an annulment from Crazy Becky. Dean had to hunt with the awesome sauceness that is Garth. But alas, Garth has gone back to wherever Garth's go. And Sam and Dean are reunited and it feels so good. The guys worked a crossroads demon case and had a run-in with Crowley. We learned that Crowley hates him some leviathan and would love nothing more than for the Winchesters to kill them all. So Crowley made a deal with the bros. He'll keep his demons at bay, leaving Sam and Dean with only the leviathan to worry with. For the time being, anyway.

Now...Someone or something is panting. It seems we might be camping, y'all. At Wharton State Forest in The Pine Barrens, New Jersey. There's a couple on a bed in sleeping bags. So it's like camping for pussies?Anyhoo, cut back to the panting thing.And now back to the Couple That Doesn't Know How To Camp. It's time for bed. The guy starts Soothing Sounds of Nature on his Ipod. Dude, if you were actually camping you'd be hearing actual soothing sounds of actual nature as you would actually be all up in it. What a dumbass. Anyhoo, it seems those sounds were a little too soothing because the guy is now strung upside down in a tree in his sleeping bag. And now he realizes he's in a tree. Uh oh! Tree creature! The guy starts screaming. His Ipod falls to the ground along with what used to be his ear.Exploding black goo. Supernatural logo. Showtime!

Hammonton, New Jersey! Sam and Dean are in a basement somewhere. They use jumper cables to jump start the electricity in the house that they're evidently squatting in. The boys go back upstairs. Bobby comes in. The guys have been hiding out for weeks because of the cray cray leviathan. The electricity pops off. Sam turns on a lantern while Dean complains about saving the world. He thinks maybe the world wants to end. Bobby wants Dean to chillax. Dean takes a beer and a seat.Sam tells Bobby about sightings of a fast-moving, human-like creature that's been spotted in a forest in Jersey. Snooki? Or maybe Ronnie? Maybe it's Sammy Sweetheart. That show is so fucking stupid.Anyway, Sam explains that the locals think it's the work of the Jersey Devil. Seriously. Snooki? Sorry. i'll stop it now. Bobby was under the impression that the Jersey Devil was just tall-tale bullshizz. Sam thinks they should check it out because of the man-burrito it just polished off. That's not a dick joke, bee tee dubs. That's what was written in a newspaper article. Anyhoosie, apparently Man-Burrito's wife is missing too and four other people have disappeared in the last 3 weeks. The article says that state troopers think it's just a bear. Dean makes a funny. Bobby's all for going legitimately hunting. Dean wants to suit and tie it first to make sure they're not just dealing with a backwoods crackhead. Biggerson's Sizzlin' Grill & Bar! There's a poster for the Pepperjack Turducken Slammer. Only $4.99! Suits of Sexiness are interrogating a park ranger named Ranger Rick. Sam and Dean ask about Man-Burrito. Ranger Rick doesn't believe a bear did it. He gives the Winchesters a HighTimes speech about mother nature as he chows down on his Turducken Slammer. Ranger Rick and Assistant Chief Ranger Phil have been finding leftovers from the whatever it is for weeks. Come to think of it, Ranger Rick hasn't seen Phil in a few days. Sam asks if he thinks Phil might be missing. Ranger Rick laid-backily replies he should probably report that. Bobby enters the restaurant in his Trench of Justice and nary a ball cap. He motions for the boys to join him. Bobby's been off having a looksie at what was left of Man-Burrito. He tells the boys that the bite marks are too small to be from a leviathan. Bobby doesn't know what this thing could possibly be. Dean suggests they eat. He stops a waiter named Brandon that's rocking Pieces Of Flare! Dean asks if they can get a booth and Brandon acts like a complete turd. Dean tries to make a comeback but fails. Brandon stalks off. Sam makes a funny about Dean's non-comeback. Then Bobby makes a funny about hoping not to get seated in Brandon's section.Uh oh. They got seated in Brandon's section. He calls Sam Big Bird, Dean Ken Doll and Bobby Creepy Uncle. Dean asks Brandon what his problem is. Brandon screams that Dean is his problem and huffs off. Dean gets back to business and tells Sam and Bobby that it didn't seem like Ranger Rick believed in the Jersey Devil theory. He and Sam both agree that Rick did seem quite high though. Meanwhile, Dean's in love with his turducken. Sam says Ranger Rick did seem to think something was in the woods. Bobby's ready to camp it up. Meanwhile, Brandon loses his damn mind and storms out. Dean continues to enjoy his turducken and now i kinda want a sandwich.Woods! Bobby leads the way. It looks like they might run into Bella and Edward soon. Have we left Wharton State Forest and entered Forks? Bobby finds hair on a tree and decides it's from two bucks having a turf war. Sam forgot that before Bobby was a monster hunter, he was an actual hunter. He also apparently used to take Dean and Sam hunting back in the day. The guys come upon a rotting body hanging from a tree. It's probably Phil. Woods at night! Ranger Rick drives up. Dean points out Phil's yucky body. Rick is gonna call it in. Sam makes a funny.Creature vision! It's looking at Ranger Rick. While Rick calls in Phil's dead body, the guys hear noises. We've got company.Whatever it is takes Ranger Rick down. The boys draw their guns to go after him. Commercial time.

The boys search for the ranger. They hear rustling in the trees. Bobby tells the boys to turn off their lights and turn on their ears. They can hear the monster eating Rick.Bobby takes a shot and a body falls out of the tree. The boys haul it back to the house.They ponder what the hell this thing could be. Whatever it is suddenly jumps its ass off the table. The guys draw their guns and shoot the shit out of it. It's down again. Dean checks the thing for ID. He makes a joke and Bobby asks if he's feeling alright. Dean says he's fine. The thing is a man named Gerald that lived in town. He apparently used to be very fat but since becoming some cray cray monster zombie thing he's lost a lot of weight. Bobby pokes at Gerald's guts with a stick. There's some kind of yucky goo. Bobby suggests looking under Gerald's hood. Bobby and Sam autopsy it up. Dean asks if they're getting hungry. They both look at Dean as if he's lost his damn mind. Sam and Bobby root around inside the body and discover a whole host of weird junk. Dean looks on unaffected. Even as Sam pulls out a whole cat's head.Bobby finds the guy's adrenal glands which are huge and black but are supposed to be relatively small and orange. Sam rules out the Jersey Devil. Dean seriously wants to get some grub. Back to Biggerson's we go! Sam researches Gerald on his laptop while Bobby enjoys a cup of coffee and Dean chows down on more turducken. Apparently Gerald went missing eight days ago. So that explains all the people that have been eaten in the last eight days but what happened to Gerald to make him so hungry for man-burritos? Bobby and Sam are kinda grossed out by Dean's eating. Sam asks Dean what he thinks about the case. Dean's not really worried about it. Sam and Bobby get all huh?-faced.Sam looks around the restaurant and notices all the other patrons grossly enjoying their turducken. Bobby notices too. They both look very unsettled by this.Sam snatches the sandwich from Dean.Back to the Eternal House of Squatting! They've got the Turducken Slammer wrapped up in a tinfoil swan. i just realized the first four letters of turducken spell turd and now i'm even more grossed out. Dean declares that his sandwich didn't do anything.Bobby tells him that there's something wrong with him. Dean tells Bobby that no there's not. In fact he hasn't felt this great in awhile. He doesn't really care about anything and furthermore doesn't care that he doesn't care. Sam informs Dean that he is high as a kite.On the table, Dean's Slammer belches out blue goo. It kinda looks like hair gel. Dean's freaked out because that goo must be in him too. Sam makes a funny.So whatever this goo is is responsible for turning Gerald into a man-burrito eating crazycake. Dean makes a funny.Parking lot at Biggerson's corporation! Dean's passed out in the back of the Mystery Machine. Sam talks to Bobby about how he's worried about Dean. Bobby tells Sam that he and Dean need to stop worrying about each other and just deal with shizz. Sam talks a little about Satan too. A delivery truck pulls into the cargo bay at Biggerson's corporation. They deliver a crate and leave. The Scooby Gang follow the goo-meat delivery truck. Elsewhere, A woman walks in front of a law office.Creature vision! It's Brandon and his Pieces Of Flare! He jumps out of a bush, grabs the woman and slams her head into the pavement. A car drives up. A guy gets out. He backhands Brandon and his Pieces Of Flare. Meanwhile, Sam and Bobby spy on the meat and poultry distribution truck as it pulls into the parking lot of the meat and poultry distribution center.Sam thinks it's weird that a big chain like Biggerson's would get their meat and poultry from such a seemingly podunk meat and poultry operation. Sam suggests they wait until the center closes up, then go snooping. But a car pulls up. Out steps Car Garage Guy! Flashback to when we flattened him!Car Garage Guy hands Brandon and his Pieces Of Flare over to the guy at the distribution center. Ruh roh. Commercials again.

Inside the bizarro meat and poultry distribution center! Car Garage Guy or Edgar as he's apparently actually named, tells his lackey to put Brandon and his Pieces Of Flare with "the others." Enter Evil Dr. Salt N Pepper Sexypants! He's been doing some experiments which Edgar is here to check on. Brandon and his Pieces Of Flare are shoved into a cage. There are other cray cray man-burrito-eaters in cages near his. Edgar tells Evil Dr. Salt N Pepper Sexypants to burn them.Evil Dr. Salt N Pepper Sexypants is all "huh?" Edgar informs him that Dick is coming. Evil Dr. Salt N Pepper Sexypants tells his bizarro meat and poultry distribution orderly to burn the man-burrito-eaters.Mystery Machine Stakeout! Sam checks the back of the building and radios to Bobby that it's clear. Bobby tells him to come back. Dean continues to drink coffee and nurse his turducken hangover. Bobby asks Dean about his head. Dean says he's fine but Bobby's talking deeper shit. Dean doesn't really wanna hear it and makes a funny. Bobby is very concerned about Dean's talk of the job. But Dean's had it with this whole saving the world every time it needs saving. Bobby tells him he's not a person, he's a hunter. Dean tried to hang it up and be normal with Lisa and Ben but he came right back. Bobby gives Dean a firm talking to and tells him he needs to focus and get his head in the game or he's gonna wind up dead. Bobby says he's been to enough funerals. He tells Dean that if he dies before him, he'll kill him. Sam returns and informs the gang that something's up. An SUV enters the parking lot. Edgar and Evil Dr. go out to greet Dick. Bobby recognizes Dick as Dick Roman, some corporate douche. Montage of corporate doucheyness! Sam tells Dean that Dick Roman is one of the most powerful men in America. Sam asks what their plan of attack should be as they certainly can't outgun them. Bobby says they've at least got the drop on the leviathan so it'll give us time to figure out what they're doing in Bumblefuck, New Jersey.Bobby breaks out his giant listening device so that they can listen in on the leviathan. Cut to a fat family eating turducken in front of the TV! Evil Doc shows off the fat family to Dick and tells him the additive he's added to the sandwich has near 100% effectiveness. So eating the turducken makes the humans crave it which causes their metabolism to slow down and causes them to get fat, which results in making them complacent.Dick's excited by this progress but now he'd like the scoop on Evil Dr. Salt N Pepper Sexypants' failures.Turns out Dick is not happy about the human-burrito story making the paper. He wants to teach Evil Doc a lesson. Sam and Dean continue their stakeout in the Mystery Machine.Bobby appears to be on the roof with his listening device. He tells the boys something's going down in the meeting room. The bros position their binoculars accordingly.Dick and his assistant enter the meeting room with Edgar and Evil Doc. Dick informs Evil Doc that they'll be shutting his program down. You can't make the papers and make people all jittery about monsters.Evil Doc begs for Dick to let him make it right.Dick's assistant opens a briefcase and pulls out........ a piece of paper? Evil Doc looks scared.Oh apparently the piece of paper is a bib. Dick's assistant puts the bib around Evil Doc's neck.Bobby continues to look on from his rooftop vantage point. Evil Doc gets full-on Venus flytrap vagina face and eats his own hand!Bobby relays this info to the bros. Oh noes! Bizarro meat and poultry distribution orderly has found Bobby's hiding spot! He clocks Bobby in the face!Noooooooooo! Commercials!

Sam and Dean go to Bobby's hiding spot. They can't believe the leviathan got Bobby. Sam's very concerned because HELLO! we still don't know how to kill the leviathan. An industrial cleaning company truck drives into the parking lot. Sodium borate, y'all! Let's get those motherfuckers!Dick's assistant is blathering on about his itinerary. Meanwhile, THEY'VE GOT BOBBY!Dick's assistant exits, taking Evil Doc's black goo stained bib with her.Dick didn't even bother tying Bobby up because he knows Bobby can't get past him.Bobby's impressed the leviathan snatched Dick Roman's body. Dick informs him they can have whoever they want. They could have Bobby if he were worth it. Shut up, Dick!Dick brags about a set of guns he picked up at an auction.The wheels in Bobby's head? They are a-turning. Dick starts loading one of the guns, then he cocks it. Bobby wants him to cut to the chase. He wants to know why Dick's keeping him around.Dick tells Bobby that he's gonna eat him but he likes his meals prepared. Plus he figures holding on to Bobby will draw out the Winchesters. Sam and Dean enter with their cleanser and start spraying Edgar and the rest of Dick's lackeys. The leviathan's faces start burning up. Commercial time.

Meeting Room! Dick hears the brouhaha downstairs. He advises Bobby to stay in the chair while he goes to check this situation out. Dick leaves.Of course Bobby doesn't just stay in his chair. He goes over to Dick's desk and checks out some files. Inside the files are some maps. Bobby grabs the other gun and starts loading it. He takes the files and the gun and heads out. But Dick's assistant stops him at the door and punches poor Bobby in the face. But Bobby recovers quickly by shooting Dick's assistant in the face. He races out the door. Downstairs! Sam sprayed Dick in the face! Dick merely wipes his face with a hanky. But now Sam's outta juice. Oh noes!!!Bobby comes up behind Dick and shoots him in the back. Dick is temporarily distracted which gives Dean the chance to sneak up and douse him with more cleanser. The boys start running. Bobby starts after them but he's cornered by a big leviathan. Sam and Dean make it to the Mystery Machine. They wait for Bobby. Back to Bobby! He finds a crowbar and whacks the black goo outta big leviathan's face. Bobby starts running again. Go Bobby! HURRY!Bobby makes it outside and runs for the van.Out comes Dick brandishing his pistol. That's not a dick joke either. Bobby hops in the van and tells Dean to haul ass. Bobby starts closing the van door. Dick shoots.The Mystery Machine speeds off. Dick shoots two more times.Sam tries to give Bobby his hat back but then he notices that there's a bullet hole in it! Oh noes!!!!!! The boys yell for Bobby but there's no answer.

Next time on Supernatural...Boooooooooobbbbbbbbyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Please don't let Bobby be dead! We already lost Cass this season! Come on, Supernatural! You can't do this to me!!!!!! Booooooobbbbbbbbbbyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!! Noooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!