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Real talk: Shout outs to the people that helped me get here

Ever since I came back from GDC I’ve felt a little bit different. Every GDC is special, in its own unique way. Last year, I came back with a renewed awareness of my own place in games, and a real gratitude for the luck and circumstances (and indeed the real help I have received in getting here (there?)). This year I came back from GDC feeling, truly, almost like a different person.

I came back with a broadened sense of what is possible. It’s weird to say this, but I feel… larger. Like there’s more *of* me now, than there has been. I feel like there are reserves in me that I didn’t think were there before. Is this a matter of perception? Of confidence? Of perspective? I’m not sure. Maybe it’s all of these.

So I have to thank, in particular, both Michael Abbott and David Carlton for initially, over three years ago now, organising to fly me to GDC. The impact this one decision has had on me personally is beyond measure.

Also in need of thanking is Leigh Alexander, who has done a lot for me without ever being asked. She recently reminded me of this piece from July 2011 ‘On Intimacy‘ that is just the tip of the iceberg in terms of useful advice, guidance and encouragement.

And of course there’s tons of others I could mention and thank for being interested, or for being interesting, and contributing to me and my incredibly charmed online existence.

People say you’ll never really “get it together” and I’m sure that’s true – but I feel a lot closer to that ideal now than I did even a year ago. The future is something exciting for me, and not just something that is going to happen which I have to deal with it. It’s a profound shift I’m immensely privileged and grateful for – even if it is merely a matter of attitude. It’s strange but it makes me feel more like an adult than so many ‘adult’ activities (drinking, sex, renting an apartment, etc) did.

Having come all this way, I should mention some things I have in store for the future (though, as often as not, as soon as I say these things they end up changing again). I’m happy and starting to accept that my role in ‘games’, games writing etc is probably winding down, in tandem my PhD writing is winding up and I’m producing a lot more words for it now. It’s a sign of something that I don’t feel obliged to apologise to ‘readers’ for this because I think I’ve long since given up any ‘readers’ I had, trading them in for twitter followers and friends in the community. All in all, I’m pretty happy with this trade.

But I do have a thing in the works right now, and if I like the final production it might become the new ‘thing’ instead of more writing. If I ever get over this disgusting cold/tonsillitis combo I might actually put it out.