Spoof news stories from Monday 10 January 2011

Jet's Coach Rex Ryan relied on his foot fetish again to pull out a last second win against hated rival Peyton Manning and the Indianapolis Colts in the AFC playoff game when kicker Nick Folk put one through the uprights for a 17-16 win with no time...

London, England - Kate Middleton has broken off her engagement to Prince William. Ms. Middleton says she has recently learned some upsetting facts about married life, and there is one thing she simply refuses to do. She has informed the Royal Fami...

A new and astonishingly frank diary covering the last decade of Leo Tolstoy's life has been discovered in a hen-hut outside Moscow. After extensive tests literary experts have recognised it as genuine. Here are two extracts in which Sonya explains the difficulty of living with the great man:
Jan 4th: 1901:
He has become impossible. He spent hours talking to visitors from India last night.

Bangalore, India Premier League [IPL] Meat Market: Today's version of cricket gladiators went on the auction block as bidders outbid one another. For many it was a big splurge; for others a total purge.
On the good news front, Indian players were...

A freak accident happened at a New Year's Eve celebration in Italy. A bullet actually went through the right side of a man's head, behind his eye socket and lodged in his nasal passage but miraculously did no serious damage to him.
Unfortunately,...

Villagers living in Newby, Isle of Wight, awoke to a disturbing sight this morning. Lawns throughout the village are covered with millions of dead garden worms. Not an inch of green grass can be seen.
Even the 'early birds' were not coming down...

Scotland - (Pandering To Them): Panda Diplomacy took a new twist today with the donation to Edinburgh Zoo of 'two breeding Chinese males' dressed in fluffy panda suits.
The outfits are identical to those worn by keepers in Shendong Panda Reserve's...

China has released the news that one of their precious panda-bears, Tian Tian, is to be moved to a Zoo in Scotland. The reason for this astonishing move is that Tian Tian only gets "turned on" when she hears bagpipes playing.
It seems that Scottis...

According to court records, Tom Vitale, who just married TV actress Valerie Bertinelli is a wife-beater.
"I love Valerie to death", states one friend who agreed to talk to us if some other friends would do so. "But the lady sure knows how to pick...

Binmen on strike. Union guerilla tactics to slow-down rubbish pick-ups. A nasty build-up of public garbage and waste on side streets. Refuse collectors refusing to collect refuse. Locals forced to don wellies to wade through the kak-ridden mire. T...

Former Manchester United and England midfielder David Beckham is expecting another child, it has been reported.
The baby, which will be either a boy or a girl, will arrive in the summer. This will coincide with the Beckhams' new children's colour...

"Oh gosh, when I woke up Sunday morning, I was just horrified to see my US map with the gun sites directed at US states and names of lawmakers printed below," claimed a somewhat contrite Sarah Palin in attempting to explain the offending map posted o...

Ben Africa, an ex-secret operative with the Black Opps Group, Al Sarmir, had noticed that this winter, where he lived, a slight movement in his house would generate a charge of static electricity in him, and that any contact with a metal object would...

The depth of the Pothole Problem has reached an all-time low on British roads.
'There are yawning gaps everywhere,' complained an exhausted motorist trying to drive around several potholes. 'My car is falling to pieces.'
Insurance companies are...

Bjorn Bigger, who has went by the name of "The Man With The Largest Penis", has launched a lawsuit against a spoof site on the web.
"They have had story after story after story written about "The Man with the World's Biggest Penis" and never gave...

LOS ANGELES - According to an article which appeared in The Los Angeles Watchdog Witnesser newspaper executives of ABCs The Bachelor have fired the shows hair stylist to the bachelorettes Ramon of Redondo Beach.
In an exclusive interview with LA2W...

Media commentators were scratching their heads in disbelief today as they tried to understand how the latest TV "reality" show, Sunday's Dancing On Ice, made headlines in this morning's papers.
The Daily Star was prominent in its coverage.
"Bro...

Paul the Octopus (reportedly hatched January 2008; died 26 October 2010) was a common octopus from Weymouth, England. Paul lived in a tank at a commercial attraction, the Sea Life Centre in Oberhausen, Germany and became internationally famous after...

RIM (Research In Motion) has been told to filter out all porn for popular phones contracted to Indonesia or risk losing it's franchise.
Indonesian official Mr Ty My Sucky Sucky told me: 'we don't want to wait for 'COCK' (Control Of Counter Kernel...

Eggheads in Germany at the Max Headroom Institute have identified that there might be implications of the Dioxin in eggs scandal far beyond the boundaries of Germany.
A team of scientists has been sent to Australia in the latest bid to track down...

Chicago, Illinois- A visibly shaken Charles Wilkinson alerted authorities this afternoon to a new and compelling threat to national security, or maybe just to his sanity, as his wife's mother and father, Norman and Myrna Bombenek, have yet to leave...

London - (Ponzi Scammers): His £1.5 billion Qatari rake-off from the sale of Harrabs is the source of a £100 million blood money pay off for Princess Diana's DUI death.
Draconian injunctions taken out by the Queen late last year now gag any refere...

Victoria Beckham, ex skinny one from The Spice Girls, and wife of global superstar and footballer, David Beckham, has admitted she is pregnant. Additionally, she has given very strong hints that she wants a girl this time.
"She's fed up with boys,...

In a dramatic turnaround over who hosts which tournament, Sepp Blatter, FIFA dictator spoke with Lord Coe, Baron of the Olympics, this weekend to discuss re-scheduling the Olympics and upcoming 2022 World Cup.
Blatter said Qatar is too hot in Summ...

The coalition government have decided to levy a 'stupidity tax' at a rate of 9% over the base rate of bank of England. Ministers are now optimistic the UK will be debt free in a matter of months.
Our political correspondent Pinot Pesto said: 'This...

Left Coast Mirror Magazine has just released its annual list of 'The 10 Worst Selling Adult Books of 2010.'
LCMM owner, CEO, and Editor-in-Chief Ambrose Appomattox, 46, started his career as a beat reporter for the La Brea, California-based tabloi...

WASHINGTON, DC - As one ceremony recognized John Boehner (R-OH) as current Speaker of the House, another ceremony with 13 Voodoo priests chanted and performed ritual dances involving venomous snakes, human skulls, and chicken blood. This activity in...

WASILLA, Alaska - The finale of Sarah Palin's Frozen Alaska started off like all of the previous shows with the fantastic theme song "Follow Me There" which was written and performed by a band called Third Day.
The theme song really captures the f...

NOGALES, Arizona - The executive director of the Arizona chapter of the Tea Bag Party, Brunicia Hixie Taterpickle, 67, has received over 4,000 phone calls, 5,000 text messages, and over 10,000 emails regarding the irresponsibility of some of her part...

Jennifer Grey, almost unrecognizable with a human-sized nose, gave a tearful press conference in Los Angeles today, where she stated that she has dedicated her win on Dancing With the Stars to the family of Anna Gallagher and her mother, Margaret Doh...