So nothing has really happened since my last doctors appointment for the
x-rays. I wish I could say something has.
No, just lots of thinking and waiting. Which suck ass.
The thinking is... not always a good thing. I'm thinking about the pain I'm in, the
pain I'm going to be in, who will visit me in the hospital, things that could go
wrong, and just... the surgery in general.
I don't want to have surgery but I know I need it. I don't want it because it's not
normal to have your back cut open and RODS placed in it. I'm not scared of the
surgery, really, just... I'm scared of afterwards. Not being able to do so much. Not
being able to bathe alone, go to the bathroom normally, I'm going to be tired and
cranky and bored and LONELY. A month away from school is going to feel like hell.
I don't want this to happen. But of course, it's gonna, and I need it. So instead of
thinking about all of the bad things, I'm trying to think of the good things.
No gym class.
After I'm healed up, my back won't hurt so much anymore and I'll look normal.
I'll have more confidence after the surgery.
I'll be able to join the swim team.
I can wear a swimsuit without being stared at.
A cool scar.
Yeah. It seems like the bad outweighs the good, but in honesty, I don't think it
does. I'll like feeling like I have a somewhat normal body.

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