Never Underestimate The LaLa Factor! GO NEW YORK! GO NEW YORK! GO!

February 22, 2011

SPORTS!!!!!!

As many of you may have read or heard about for the past SIX MONTHS! is an impending trade between the NBA’s Denver Nuggets and the New York Knicks over one man and one man in particular… the husband of former MTV VJ La La Vasquez…

I, of course, am talking about the best pure scorer in the league…

CARMELO ANTHONY!!!!!

Take this which ever way you would like, but Carmelo is such a good scorer that the above picture does happen from time to time. Ok?

I grew up a New York Knicks fan … I also grew up a Chicago Bulls fan. I really grew up a Michael Jordan fan and my dad was a Knicks fan. Michael Jordan was the greatest basketball player to ever live and he won 6 NBA championships in a row (he took off a year in between to play baseball, but it was 6 in a row for him). I did like the Knicks as well and at some point you wanted the Knicks to beat the Bulls to add some parity to the league, but there really wasn’t any when Michael was around. Nevertheless, as a team fan I am a Knicks fan. So I’m very happy with the trade for Carmelo Anthony. There are the naysayers around who like to be negative, but this was a good trade. Having a player the caliber of Carmelo Anthony coupled with their other new high caliber player Amare and their rookie sensation Landry Fields is a good good good thing for New York City.

But I’m actually sick of thinking about this trade because I have been reading, listening and watching shit about it non-stop since the Super Bowl, which in all honesty was two weekends ago and it feels like 5 years ago. So 5 years of Melo maybe joining the Knicks is a lot.

Instead, I would like to keep with the New York City theme and talk about the other most famous team in New York City history…

I’m talking about of course…

The one and only…

The…

New…

York…

City…

TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES!!!!!

That’s fucking right.

Carmelo motherfucking Anthony is a New York Knick. La La Vasquez is going to be hosting parties at the 40/40 club. And the motherfucking fuck fucks the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are fuckity fucking here!

I’m just saying, I keep shit fo realz over here at KSWI.

Today, I wanted to talk about the Turtles. I wanted to talk about the Ninja Turtles. I wanted to talk about the Mutant Ninja Turtles. I wanted to talk about the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and what they say about you.

Firstly, who ever created these fine fellows was a damn genius. I would have been sold on watching this television show at every word in the plot line.

A show about turtles – yes

A show about ninja turtles – fuck yes

A show about mutant ninja turtles – FUCK YES

A show about teenage mutant ninja turtles – JUST MAKE THIS SHOW ALREADY

A show about teenage mutant ninja turtles who live in the sewers on Manhattan and are trained by a mutant ninja rat to fight a criminal robot ninja clan who is run by an evil ninja who killed the mutant ninja rat’s sensei…

I’m sorry, but I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU, SIR! I LOVE YOU AND ALL THE WORDS YOU SPEAK!!!!! AHHHHH!!! I WANT TO KISS YOUR MOUTH BECAUSE IT WOULD BE LIKE KISSING THE MOUTH OF A HOLY PROPHET WHOSE LIPS AND TONGUE FORM THE WORDS OF GOD AND ALL THEIR GLORY!!!! GIVE ME THAT SHOW!!! AAAHHHH!!! IF YOU DON’T MAKE THIS SHOW THEM I’M GOING TO TAKE TO THE STREETS AND TELL THE PEOPLE ABOUT THIS BLASPHEMY AND YOU WILL HAVE A BLOODY REVOLUTION ON YOUR HANDS THAT WOULD MAKE ROBESPIERRE BLUSH!!!! AAAAHHHHAHAHAHAHAHHHHH TURTLES!!!!!

So, who is your favorite TMNT character and what does that say about you?

Leonardo is a bad motherfucker. In all fairness, they’re all bad motherfuckers, but a dude wielding two sharpened swords has got to be the baddest dude you watch out for in a fight. The rest of the ninja weapons are scary, but I would rather be hit in the arm with a bo staff and risk bruising and possible broken bones than getting hit in the arm with a sword and risk Leonardo lopping my arm off. I’d rather have a broken arm than no arm. Catch my drift.

If your favorite is Leonardo: You fancy yourself a leader. Leo was the leader of the turtles. He was team oriented and gave pep talks. Leonardo was also logical and tried to be cool and calculating. He wasn’t the most fun, but he wasn’t the least either. He is a fan of reason and keeping a level head when creating a plan to solve a problem. At the same time, Leonardo was SWINGING AROUND SWORDS! Two! Plural! SwordSSSS! So, Leo had some blood lust issues. He was even tempered until it was time to go and then he started cutting robots’ bodies into pieces like they were the pizza slices he loved so much. He was a leader and a killer.

This is who the Knicks want Carmelo Anthony to be. They want him to be a killer out there, but also a leader. Carmelo is there to score. Score at will. He needs to be their presence on the court.

Up next…

DONATELLO!!!!!

There he is. Donatello is working that bo staff like a mad men. More or less it is a heavy broom stick that he just beats the bitch ass robots to death with. I’m sure we all know what it is like to just bash something to bits with a weighted club or stick and it is DAMN FUN! That is what Donatello gets up to everyday. Sure he is spin kicking and throwing jabs and doing flips, but he is also just clubbing fools like he’s using an 8 foot baseball bat. WHACK!

If your favorite is Donatello: You think you’re smart. Donatello is the smart one of the four. He is the one who also creates gadgets and so forth. He is handy with computers. Actually very handy. Besides him being a mutant turtle who lives in the sewers, which means he probably doesn’t have access to computers all the live long day – could you imagine typing with only three fingers on each hand and they’re giant ass fingers? That would be absurd. And yet he has a crazy amount of dexterity, which I would imagine translates from wielding his bo staff. The bo staff in a way is certainly the thinking man’s or turtle’s weapon. You can grab it anywhere (that’s what she said), it’s long (that’s what she said), and hard all over (that’s what she said). Donatello is the second in command of the turtles, so it definitely means you like to be in control as well. But judging by his weapon, knowledge of the nerdy, and being in 2nd in command it means Donatello fans are less of a risk taker the Leonardo fans are. I would say Donatello is the calmest of the bunch and certainly in no rush to make himself the center of attention.

Donatello is about the best second man in the business and that is what the Knicks want from Amare Stoudemire. Big, strong, durable, when Carmelo falls Amare is there to catch him and keep the team strength and, of course, Amare is there for his brains…

Up next…

MICHELANGELO

It is pronounced one of two ways…

1. Michael – Angelo

2. Me – Kel – Angelo

Depending on how Italian you feel that moment.

It is pronounced one of two ways…

1. None – Chucks

2. Noon – Chuck – Ahs – Mutha – fuck – AHS!

Depending on how aggressive you feel that moment.

If your favorite is Michelangelo: You are the party person extraordinaire up in the air slapping your derriere and other things that rhyme with those words. Michelangelo is certainly the fun one. He is always looking to crack jokes and have a good time. He is the wild one of the turtles. His weapons the nunchucks are deadly, but they’re also unpredictable. They fly all over the place and are hard to control like the turtle wielding them. Also, Michelangelo is the flashiest of the turtles. It is hard not to be mesmerized by the spinning nunchucks and the poetry they write in the air as they twirl in your hands. The nunchuck requires a lot of energy and almost constant movement. Michelangelo is excitable. Also, Michelangelo is a one turtle party who can have fun on their own. He can create his own entertainment and have fun regardless of who he is with or what they are doing. He’s an optimist. He is also childlike and silly. He is prone to emotions and mood swings and when things go bad he isn’t leading the problem solving task force. But Michelangelo is a team player and certainly makes the rest around him better.

Michelangelo is a bit of everything. He’s definitely there to help, but can be a whirling dervish on his own. That is Landry Fields for the New York Knicks. He is their rookie shooting guard and he needs be able to do all of the above mentioned. Also, he’s funny like Michelangelo… and like Jim Halpert from The Office…

The last, but certainly not least turtle is…

RAPHAEL!!!!!!!

Don’t fuck with Raph. I’ll give you that advice once and only once because the moment you do not respect that advice is the moment Raphael sticks one of those sais so far up your butt you’ll be picking your teeth with it. To say that Raphael is the bad boy of the turtle bunch is an understatement and again might result in a big ass red masked turtle sticking a metal point so far up your anal cavity that you could possibly flossy your teeth with the tip of it.

If your favorite is Raphael: You might have angry issues. Seriously, though Raphael is the lone wolf. He is apart of the turtle tribe and everything, but he is opinionated and unless one can cleanly convince him to their side then he’ll just go off on his own. He is not a follower unless he can be shown the merit of it. He’s got a mean streak in him and in battle is the second turtle using metal pointed weapons to stab punks like Leonardo. In that way, Raphael and Leonardo are similar, but on opposite end of the spectrum as far as to handle it. Raphael is a leader, but couldn’t care less if you follow. He’s also an emotional leader as he will strike out on his own when his temper says so. The interesting choice of weapons for Raphael does add to his unique approach to life. The sai is seemingly less common of a choice, but nevertheless a good one. It requires a lot of training and diligence and the weapon itself opens itself to a variety of possibilities for the person wielding them. The sai has just as many defensive capabilities as offensive. Most people may just seem them as stabbing styled weapons, but a turtle skilled with sais can easily capture an opponents weapon with the sai and disarm their opponent entirely. Although, a sai easily can be used to kill, it can just as easily be used in non-lethal ways thus creating a complex character who just so easily could maim or could disarm and not hurt an opponent. Head strong and willing to go do something on their own, but has the strength to do so if needed.

Who is this for the Knicks? They’re probably hoping Chauncey Billups can be this, but he probably isn’t considering he has stated he doesn’t want to play for the Knicks. The Knicks either need a center who can play like Raphael and get a new Leonardo for point guard or something.

Anyway…

So I’ve talked about the turtles, but what about the other characters on TMNT? What does it say about you if your favorite character on the show wasn’t in fact a turtle?

SPLINTER?!!!

Your favorite character is the rat? Seriously? Were you watching this show? If your favorite character is Splinter then I’m guessing you are old and boring because those damn teenage turtles were too much for you. An old rat in hobo clothes drinking tea, cleaning his sewer home and bossing around the likes of the youngin’s is more your style then you clearly have given up. Come on! Pick a turtle! Any turtle! Don’t side with the old sensei rat with joint flare ups. Splinter is a great wise character who can still get shit done even at his advance age and was the one who taught these turtles their ninja-ness, but come the fuck on! The turtles were out there beating up the Foot clan every day and Splinter was there to just tell them about whatever moral tale they were supposed to learn before they took to their turtle beds and had their turtle dreams. So, you might be boring. Stop watching cop dramas on network TV and reading the newspaper and go get drunk like the kids do.

CASEY JONES?!

I respect this choice as much as I don’t. If your favorite character for a show is a character who only shows up 1/5 of the time then you are disappointed a lot in life… like Casey Jones is. Casey may be more disappointed in life than anyone. He is a man who is so pissed living in New York City that he dons a hockey mask and beats people up on the streets at night with the sports equipment department. So, you might be as despondent and cynical about society as Casey was. Casey couldn’t find a friend amongst the 10 million some odd people in New York City, but he finally found friends in 4 freak human sized talking reptiles that beat the shit out of robots with ancient Japanese weapons. That is a man without a country there folks. So, don’t be that guy. Life isn’t that bad in New York. Ok? There is OkCupid and Facebook and Twitter and movies and people to talk to and laughter and strip clubs. Ok, so don’t get so cynical you are choosing your favorite character as the broke Batman. Also, big ups to the original TMNT movie for choosing under-appreciated Elias Koteas as Casey Jones. Perfect choice.

NO ONE’S FAVORITE CHARACTER WAS APRIL O’NEIL!!!!

I will repeat that there is not a person on this planet or solar system or universe or anything that chose April O’Neil as their favorite character. If you say otherwise then you are lying. You are lying to me and everyone else. First off, was there ever a time ever that news reporters dressed like this? What in the hell was she wearing? It was like a X-Men Halloween costume. White boots, a yellow jumpsuit and that’s fucking it. That’s it. She’s a like a sexy garbage lady. And man look at the dimensions they drew her in?! What is that 34 – 6 – 34? For Christ’s sake! She’s rocking DD’s up top and a waist as thick as my wrist. Seriously though, if your favorite character is April O’Neil then you have problems and had no business watching this damn TV show. The show was about TEENAGE! MUTANT! NINJA! TURTLES! and your favorite character was the local news female street reporter? What in the fuck is wrong with you?

I will say…

Got to love that regardless of the species of main characters of the show or the plot line or the children the show is marketed towards or whatever is happening – there always has to be a sex symbol and I agree with that.

Who here remembers this guy?

SHREDDER!!!!!

You’re evil. If your favorite character on TMNT was the Shredder then you are simply an evil human being. You are perfect for running a militarily controlled dictatorship of any small country. You are ready, willing and able to kill people without mercy and use criminal enterprise for your gain and everyone else’s loss. There are movies and TV shows where the bad guy has some redeemable traits… Shredder isn’t one of them. For instance in Star Wars, we learn of the sad tale of Darth Vader aka Anakin Skywalker. He’s the father of the main character, he was fucked over when he was younger, he was a good guy at one time, he eventually saves the day in the end, he kind of got brainwashed by the dark side and so on and so on. One could possibly be a fan of Darth Vader and not be completely evil. For instance, myself. I love Darth Vader. I love Luke and the rest of them, but Darth Vader is fucking bad ass and is easily one of the greatest characters in movie history. At the same time, Shredder is straight evil. He has no redeeming values and just kills and keeps killing. He killed his master, he wants to take over the world and New York City for no other reason than he wants to, he tries to kill the turtles and Splinter and he has an evil robot army. Shredder is all evil. So if you’re a fan of him then you might want to turn yourself into the authorities because you will snap and go on a crime/murdering spree at some point.

Lastly…

KRANG!!!!

If your favorite character is Krang then you are an idiot and we are not friends. On a television show about turtles who end up wading around in some mysterious chemical ooze, which the aftereffects of makes them 6 feet tall, covered in muscles and shortly following that they are taught English as well as unparalleled hand-to-hand combat and weapon skills by a rat to then take on an infamous evil ninja and his robot ninja clan on the streets and in the sewers of New York City… the craziest things was fucking KRANG! I never understood Krang as a child and I don’t understand Krang as an adult man who thinks about Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles regularly and writes thousands of words about them with his opinionated beliefs. Krang was literally an un-understandable character. If you wanted to point to the “jump the shark” moment of this ninja turtle show then look no further than the mechanical man with the talking brain in his stomach known as KRANG!

Boy did I hate Krang. I could understand Shredder. I liked Shredder in that regard. I get him. He’s a great villain. But Krang?! FUCK! I would get so angry when I would see Krang appear in an episode. FUCK! I have to sit through more of this Krang bullshit! Get Krang off the screen! Go home Krang. Just fucking go home. I hate Krang. Nevertheless, I found this t-shirt to be hysterical:

And with that…

I would like to say I hope you enjoyed this turtle talk.

I’ll see you all Thursday.

And I hope one day they make a new ninja turtle movie like the first TMNT movie, which I still think is a great movie minus Corey Feldman’s voice over.

Or could they make a ninja turtle movie about a group of guy’s who dress up like the ninja turtles to fight crime in New York City because they’re out of their mind and want to be super heroes. That could be great as well. It could be like Kick Ass meets Special.

you really love to call people liars don’t you? I mean I’m not saying April O’Neil was MY favorite character, but she could have very easily been SOMEBODYS favorite character. this reminds me of that time you called me a liar for saying I wouldn’t bang taye diggs and guess what- I was not lying. I’m still not lying, and I still would not bang taye diggs. However someday I suspect you are going to call someone a liar and they are going to completely flip the fuck out and beat the shit out of you with their brass knuckles that spell out LIAR across the top so that you will have little LIAR scars embedded in your flesh. ijs.

I’m feeling a bit of a kinship with Raphael today.

Also, I see what you were trying to do there, getting me to read about sports in disguise hidden among TMNT. Good try.

My husband is the proud owner of a TMNT tshirt that my son picked out for him yesterday at Kohl’s. Not really so much newsworthy or interesting, but topical. I am definitely michelangelo cuz of my love for cocktails, and the ensuing party. PWG would have to be Donatello. She Is computer savvy,handy, and you will definitely find me at her house when the zombies attack.

And here I am. I am Donatello. I would have picked that all on my own. I like the gadgets, and I also like hitting people with sticks. All the other weapons are obviously weapons. You can’t take that shit through airport security. If you’re carrying swords or nunchucks or those mini-pitchfork things you’re not going to slide up to someone face-to-face without them detecting imminent harm. But my bo staff could just be a walking stick. I could disguise it with a mop wig. I could walk right up to your face, and the whole time you’d be thinking, “Well here comes a muscular upright-walking 6′ turtle with a purple bandanna mask, and he/she’s just carrying a mop. A harmless mop, and I have nothing to worry about.” Color you surprised when I got really close and just beat you to death with it. Figurative you, not FMNB you.

My favorite is Donatello… but not because of the bostaff or his personality, but because he was the purple on and that was and still is my favorite color. But from your Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle personality assessment test I would be a Donatello anyways. Funny how that works.

I have an acquaintance (read: facebook friend) who was April O’Neil for Halloween one year. She looked AMAZING and her name actually is April. Also I want to bang Landry Fields.

But I also had the biggest crush on Casey Jones when I was little. The dirty, shaggy, sweatpants-wearing, violent, masked vigilante. Who was like 30 when I was 6. In hindsight, that really should have raised a red flag or two for my parents…

I distinctly remember nightmares involving Krang. A gross brain in a robot body? He was stupid, yes, but so creepy. Especially to a young girl’s delicate sensibilities (when she wasn’t preoccupied with lusting after the most dysfunctional, homeless, bat-wielding men of society). Was there an episode where the glass broke and he fell out? Or was that one of my nightmares? Either way…not a fan. Bebop and Rocksteady weren’t favorites either.

YOU’RE A TURKEY!LOL what a lame comeback. Also that kid was like 7. Where the fuck were these drug dealing elementary aged kids when I was that old? I never even saw a proper joint until I was in college. Maybe my friends and I were just a lot more nerdy/goody-two shoes than I previously thought.

Raphael. Yeah, anger issues and an inability to play nice with others pretty much sums it up. I’m far to misanthropic to be Leonardo, though dual-sword wielding is something I do. In my imagination. When I’m playing Dungeons and Dragons.

Wow that paragraph sort of got away from me.

I’ve noticed we’ve got a lot of brains, party-animals and homicidal maniacs down here in the comments, but no charismatic leader types. We’ll never be crime fighting super mutants without a leader!

You are indeed the paste-type glue that holds this elementary school art project of people together. (HB is the elbow macaroni, PWG is cotton wool pretending to be a sheep. MLF is omfgsparkles! kt is multicoloured pipe cleaners, and I’m puffy paint. Clearly).

You also admit that this statement applies to you:
“He wasn’t the most fun, but he wasn’t the least either.

Firstly- cledbo I love you for making me the sparkles!!! I love sparkles even if they are the herpes of craft supplies. It’s like you really know me.

Just to clarify- I personally am herpes free. I do not practice unsafe loving the way glitter does. Anyway.

Secondly- I feel like Jordan is less of the glue and more of the bin that just holds all the craft supplies. He provides a medium through which I can interact with all my favorite wives, however I would find a way to love and cherish everyone elsewhere were Jordan no longer in the mix. Example- I still love and cherish crystal despite the fact that she is not present at kswi.

That aside, Jordan can maintain the role of leader because I’ve figured out the hard way that all that really means is extra work.

I THINK YOU ARE EVEL, I LOVE APRIL O’NEIL 1987 AND ACTOR RENAE JACOBS, WITH ALL MY HEART AND SOUL AND I HATE YOU, FOR YOU COMMENT OF MY LOVE APRIL O’ NEIL 1987 AND ACTOR RENAE JACOBS, THEY ARE BOTH MY SOUL MATE, SIGN THEIR LOVE HENRIK MØLLER IN DENMARK