47. Think

He looks nervous. I take a deep breath and continue. “I’ve noticed something. You worry too much.”

His eyes widen in surprise. Clearly, this is not what he was expecting. Then a peaceful smile spreads over his face. “Well, I worry about something very important.”

“I’m being serious, Quil.”

“So am I.”

“Yeah. Shut up,” I tease. “Anyway, I need you to do something for me…” This isn’t an easy thing for either of us to consider, the dark time that neither of us like to remember but I must talk about if we’re ever going to heal from this. “When I was first living with you, remember how scared I was?” I force myself not to remember, so I can keep talking, so I don’t sag to the floor in terror. “And then I wasn’t, remember?”

His breaths are slow and deep. Clearly, this is no easier for him to recall than it is for me. “Yeah.”

“Ever wonder why?”

“No.”

I let it all pour out without thinking about the words as they come out. I’ve considered them plenty, and now is the time to let them just spill out. “Because I decided. I looked at myself and I said, I have two choices here. I can let him win. Or I can get over it. I picked being strong. It isn’t always easy, but I decided I wasn’t going to let him steal my choice, my ability to love. I love you, and I’m proud of it. But I think, as of right now, you’re letting him win. You’re so caught up by this ridiculous idea that you failed me that you can’t get over him. He’s dead. And, yes, I wasn’t lying to you, I did love him. Every girl loves her Daddy, but he betrayed me. So now I choose, with my choice that will always be mine, to say that I don’t love him. I love you.”

He stops for a second, freezes, and then a grin spreads over his face. “Wow.”

I go on. “So I think you need to think. All these years, you’ve been worrying about me, and I think you need to take five minutes and worry about you. You’re a very selfless person, but sometimes people need to be selfish. Ask yourself how you feel. And how to stop feeling it. And then do what you think is right. Once in a while, I’m going to get scared. When we do something physical, it’s going to freak me out. But keep trying.”

He kisses me gently, warmly, his lips brushing against mine twice before we break apart. I can taste the sweetness of him. Heat rushes through me, and I smile. “Only twice, and we’ve already got it perfect.”

“My thoughts exactly,” he whispers.

“But don’t think you can distract me. You remember what I said,” I warn.