"In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. And He did despair, for in His omniscience, He did know that His creations had but three-fifths of the splendor of that which would be IMAO."
-No One of Consequence

Hooray! A new blog! There's lots of stuff I felt like spouting off about, so here I am. Just as a warning, everything written here is in the most unrefined form and should not be used as an actual opinion.

July 7th 2006:

Also, since a few people have asked, the next part of Hellbender will come out Monday. This part takes some planning, and, rather than rush it, I decided to leave it until next week.

Glad to see Frank J. hasn't lost his talent for telling us what he's going to write about instead of just... you know... writing about it.

Well, since Frank J. isn't going to bother writing anything, let's see how those who are less lazy - and less Frank J. - are celebrating the most important date in Florida's history since the recount was invented:

The Blue Square suggests that Frank J.'s legendary animosity toward the Puppy Blender may be just a case of projection:
"So, Hitler was gay, Saddam is a nice guy inside, and, even worse, Frank J. blends puppies."

Remulak of The MoxArgon Group was going to just say nice things about Frank J, but decided to recap Frank J.'s life story instead, since:
"everybody else has probably used up all the most descriptive words like annoying, humourless, no-talent, time-wasting hack"

Vox Popular points out that in addition to Frank's many fine qualities as a human being, he also gives back to the community:
"Without him, who would the makers of transsexual Romanian midget goat porn look down on?"

Passionate America traces Frank J.'s evolution from abandoned orphan-waif...:
"Frank killed his first hippie on his 14th birthday, in a fight over a warm ketchup packet and a half eaten pizza crust."
...into a man who finally answers his heart's true calling:
"This is what I was put on this earth to do, punch liberals in their dumb monkey faces."

The Kag Report takes a closer look at Frank J. and makes several shocking discoveries, including:
"If you rearrange the letters F-R-A-N-K-J you get JFK RAN, which is obviously a plea to return to the glory days of the Democratic Party, so FrankJ is a closeted liberal."

Blogless Reader HKPistole gives Frank J. an honor which I've yet to receive myself:"You may inform FrankJ that I've named my .44Mag Super Blackhawk after him... it was either that or rename Betty (my AR)..."

Although I've heard a rumor that Frank J. once pointed to something Rowdi did on the carpet and said my name, so I guess that counts as an honor.

Ben's Rants and Raves points out the obviously and overwhelming evidence proving Frank J.'s liberalism, including:
"...cats do nothing but lay around the house all day. In fact, by owning and feeding cats, Frank J. is promoting a welfare society."

GEBIV of There's One, Only! has a wide assortment of Fun Facts to help clarify your misconceptions about Frank J., including:
"Frank J's site should not be confused with IMOW or IMOE. Which are, respectively, about lawn care and the leader of The Three Stooges."

Shoot a Liberal is certain that Frank J. is just faking the whole neo-con thing:
"Frank J. is no more a conservative than Michael Moore is a fashion model."

Conservathink ponders on the origins of Frank J's blogging:
"A horrid force, as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror and suddenly silenced, swept through the world, snuffing out the lives of countless monkeys."

I (Harvey, posting from Bad Example) give you a brief glimpse of what it's like to be part of the IMAO team and to work for the Imperial Humor Master, Frank J.:
"When Frank J. refers to the "IMAO Editorial Board", he's actually talking about the two by four that he beats us with while screaming "WRITE FUNNIER!""

Reader Silicon Valley Jim e-mails:I've been a regular reader of IMAO for about three years now. It always brightens my day. No matter how bad I feel, IMAO cheers me up. Laughter is important, and Frank, from puppy-blending to the President in Curious George pajamas, has made me laugh, day after day. Happy fourth anniversary, and best wishes for many more.

UPDATE 7-10-06: Fellow IMAO serf Spacemonkey of insists that Frank isn't a tight-fisted cheap-ass, he's just frugal:
"Well I'll tell you, for several months when pay day has come around I've received a full envelope from Frank J. It's my pay and it's coupons for a variety of bladder control products."

The following are some random pictures, courtesy of SarahK, which I've numbered so that you can caption them in the comments and show Frank J. how much you love him.