Combating Jealousy

"Joshua got a bigger piece of cake than me!" How can we replace our children's fear of being shortchanged with a secure feeling that they have all they need?

"Same seats, same seats!" "No! Not the same seats!" "You sat by the window on the way here, I get the window on the way back."

Sound familiar? How about this one: "OK class, please line up now at the door for lunch." "I'm first in line I called it!" "No way, I was here first!" "No, I was, get out of my way!" The above is followed by pushing, shoving and occasional fisticuffs.

If these examples don't move you, maybe you can relate to this one: "Joshua got a bigger piece of cake than me!" "You always buy Sarah toys and you never get me anything!" The bottom line question is, why can't these kids just get along and why don't they appreciate all of the good things we have provided them?

Of course, we adults have no such problems. Unless, of course you have stood on line in any government office. There the temptation to follow the law of the jungle is almost insurmountable. Or perhaps, one had the unique pleasure of waiting in line at a wedding or Bar Mitzvah smorgasbord.

There one can sense a massive fear that for the first time in known Jewish banquet history, there might be a shortage of franks-in-a-blanket or a scarcity of just the right pastry at the Viennese table. Such panic sets off a stampede and a shoving match reminiscent of those caused by shouts of fire in a crowded theater. (A friend of mine once had his hand pierced by an errant fork wielded by a celebrant who evidently mistook my friend's hand for a piece of gefilte fish!)

At home and school the "THAT'S NOT FAIR!" mentality reigns.

It's no wonder that at home and school the "THAT'S NOT FAIR!" mentality reigns.

How can we replace our children's fear of being shortchanged with a behavior of calm graciousness? How can we get them to imitate our forefather, Jacob, who, in response to his evil brother Esau's claim of "I have much," was able to truthfully state, "You may have much, but I have everything I need"?

A FULL CUP

Our sages have taught us that the answer lies in an attitude.

Ironically, it was an attitude expressed by the most evil of rulers, Pharaoh himself.

In his famous dream of feast and famine Pharaoh saw seven healthy cows which were later consumed by seven sickly cows. Describing the dream later, Pharaoh terms the first seven as being of "robust flesh and beautiful form" while the following seven were described as "scrawny and of very inferior form."

Our Sages were troubled by the Torah's use of "beautiful" and "inferior" form. Ostensibly, to convey the idea of seven years of plenty followed by seven years of famine, the description of robust or scrawny would have been sufficient. Therefore, they concluded that the added adjectives describing the form of the cows was meant to convey an attitude. When there was a feeling of personal plenty, no one was envious of his friends' possessions, and all could appreciate the beautiful form of his friend's cow as well.

In their analysis of Pharaoh's dream, the Sages of the Talmud have revealed a fundamental principle in education and character refinement. One's ability to avoid feelings of envy and perform acts of kindness is a function of feeling that one's cup is full. If I do not have enough to fulfill my needs, then I cannot hope to provide you with yours. Moreover, I will even be jealous of any success that you do have.

Life often creates situations, more serious than bus lines and school lines, than dinner tables and buffet tables, where we feel that our needs are not met. The key to keeping one's moral balance at such times lies in the ability to perceive that despite the current lack, there is still enough to go around, and we will get what we need when we really need it.

The kibbutz law helps us keep a moral balance: "From each according to his ability, to each according to his needs."

I call this the law of the kibbutz: "From each according to his ability, to each according to his needs." Such a law is essential for the effective functioning of a home or classroom.

There are a few basic skills that parents and teachers can learn to create this feeling of "I have it all" in the home and classroom.

God has promised through his prophet that "Before they call to me, I will answer; while they are still speaking, I will listen." If we are to try to follow in His ways, we must practice the difficult but highly worthwhile skill of anticipating someone else's needs.

INSTILLING SECURITY

Try to be sensitive to a potential situation that will require attention and kindness and plan to provide it. For example: Carry a Band-Aid in your purse or wallet in the event that someone cuts their finger. Notice that your son needs a new baseball mitt, that your daughter could use a few new hair clips and barrettes, that your wife could use some time together with you and that your husband needs some time alone -- before they ask for it!

This creates a feeling in children that their parents know them, understand them, and desire their happiness. The result is that they can then feel confident enough to be givers as well as takers.

Secondly, when giving children presents, it is better to give to each child separately, at different times, than to succumb to the "if one gets everyone gets" mentality. As long as children are consistently shown that they will eventually have their turn for special attention, they can learn to allow their siblings and classmates to enjoy their moments of glory as well.

In addition, parents should consistently make children aware of the value of small things. A child who feels happiness only when receiving something made by Mattel, will not be able to rejoice in another's success. However, if he or she is reminded of the blessings inherent in having a loving mother and father, or having a soft bed and warm blanket to sleep in, etc., his or her happiness and generosity are almost guaranteed.

Mommy and Daddy are limited in their ability to give and anticipate expectations; God, however, can do it all.

Most importantly, it is crucial to speak often to children about matters of trust in God. People, even people whose first names are Mommy and Daddy are limited in their ability to give and anticipate expectations. God, however, can do it all.

Books like "Small Miracles" and many popular Jewish story books contain beautiful accounts of how God provides people with their real needs, often through miraculous means. Usually, however, the most effective stories are those that come from our own experiences, when children hear their parents and teachers speak of feeling God's hand in our their own lives.

Similarly, one can play the game of "where did it come from?" Take any common object in your home or classroom and trace back its creation to the store, factory, raw material, etc., which it was made or came from, until you reach its ultimate source, God.

Since everything comes from Him, we have seen Him help us in our lives, and there are so many stories of Him helping others, then we need no longer fear that we will lose by giving to others.

If children feel threatened, then they will become defensive. If children feel secure, then they will want to give. Home and school are the places where parents and teachers can role model and teach the lessons of seven years of plenty, and thus provide a secure foundation of caring and giving in their homes and schools.

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 1

(1)
Chana Siegel,
May 24, 2000 12:00 AM

Sibling rivalry is a chronic condition, not a problem that can be solved

The author says some true things about human nature and kids, but the article doesn't add much to the topic of sibling rivalry. He makes it sound like it is a problem that can be solved, rather than a natural weakness that needs to be worked on and "exercised out". We need to acknowledge that siblings are battling over something which is very real--their parents' love, attention and time. Love may be unlimited, but time and attention can only be sliced into so many pieces, and they're right, it's never going to be absolutely fairly divided. As parents, we set ourselves up for a fall if we expect that this is "fixable". We can, as the author suggests, alleviate it, but the main "solution" is to continue working on your child's character development and wait it out. Not a popular suggestion in our day and age, but a more honest one.

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My nephew is having his bar mitzvah and I am thinking of a gift. In the old days, the gift of choice was a fountain pen, then a Walkman, and today an iPod. But I want to get him something special. What do you suggest?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Since this event celebrates the young person becoming obligated in the commandments, the most appropriate gift is, naturally, one that gives a deeper understanding of the Jewish heritage and enables one to better perform the mitzvot! (An iPod, s/he can get anytime.)

With that in mind, my favorite gift idea is a tzedakah (charity) box. Every Jew should have a tzedakah box in his home, so he can drop in change on a regular basis. The money can then be given to support a Jewish school or institution -- in your home town or in Israel (every Jews’ “home town”). There are beautiful tzedakah boxes made of wood and silver, and you can see a selection here.

For boys, a really beautiful gift is a pair of tefillin, the black leather boxes which contain parchments of Torah verses, worn on the bicep and the head. Owning a pair of Tefillin (and wearing them!) is an important part of Jewish identity. But since they are expensive (about $400), not every Bar Mitzvah boy has a pair. To make sure you get kosher Tefillin, see here.

In 1944, the Nazis perpetrated the Children's Action in the Kovno Ghetto. That day and the next, German soldiers conducted house-to-house searches to round up all children under age 12 (and adults over 55) -- and sent them to their deaths at Fort IX. Eventually, the Germans blew up every house with grenades and dynamite, on suspicion that Jews might be in hiding in underground bunkers. They then poured gasoline over much of the former ghetto and incinerated it. Of the 37,000 Jews in Kovno before the Holocaust, less than 10 percent survived. One of the survivors was Rabbi Ephraim Oshri, who later published a stirring collection of rabbinical responsa, detailing his life-and-death decisions during the Holocaust. Also on this date, in 1937, American Jews held a massive anti-Nazi rally in New York City's Madison Square Garden.

In a letter to someone who found it difficult to study Torah, the 20th century sage the Chazon Ish wrote:

"Some people find it hard to be diligent in their Torah studies. But the difficulty persists only for a short while - if the person sincerely resolves to submerge himself in his studies. Very quickly the feelings of difficulty will go away and he will find that there is no worldly pleasure that can compare with the pleasure of studying Torah diligently."

Although actions generally have much greater impact than thoughts, thoughts may have a more serious effect in several areas.

The distance that our hands can reach is quite limited. The ears can hear from a much greater distance, and the reach of the eye is much farther yet. Thought, however, is virtually limitless in its reach. We can think of objects millions of light years away, and so we have a much greater selection of improper thoughts than of improper actions.

Thought also lacks the restraints that can deter actions. One may refrain from an improper act for fear of punishment or because of social disapproval, but the privacy of thought places it beyond these restraints.

Furthermore, thoughts create attitudes and mindsets. An improper action creates a certain amount of damage, but an improper mindset can create a multitude of improper actions. Finally, an improper mindset can numb our conscience and render us less sensitive to the effects of our actions. We therefore do not feel the guilt that would otherwise come from doing an improper act.

We may not be able to avoid the occurrence of improper impulses, but we should promptly reject them and not permit them to dwell in our mind.

Today I shall...

make special effort to avoid harboring improper thoughts.

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Rabbi Twerski's new book Twerski on Machzor makes Rosh Hashanah prayers more meaningful. Click here to order...