I feel like I can now say I think WH and I are firmly on the road to R. We have come soooo far in the last 2 months - I was very very close to filing for D after the most recent DDay, and he knew it. But that turned out to be the wake up call he needed, apparently.

He began IC soon afterward. I set up my own bank account and changed my direct deposits, and waited. In the past few weeks, he's read "Not Just Friends" four times, and he tells me that he now sees why his many flirtations over the years were so harmful and dangerous to our marriage. He's read several other books as well about marriage and healthy boundaries. At the suggestion of his IC, he began attending AA meetings again. (He's been sober for many many years, but has not really been working a program per se since he was about a year sober.) He's learning how to recognize who is a friend of our M and who is not.

The biggest thing that has demonstrated the changes he's making, I think, is his behavior toward Coworker #2. She requested to be rescheduled to his shift a few weeks ago (supposedly for unrelated reasons) and she has really been pushing to break NC - she "really misses their friendship". He's had a few small missteps, but when she tried to present him with a small gift he refused to accept it and told her that was inappropriate. He then told her his intention to have no interaction with her whatsoever out of respect for me and his marriage. At the time she told him that she would avoid him because she understands and "I really care about you."

Of course, she just cannot do it. She has made a point to sit down at the table with him during breaks, or sits where she knows he usually takes his breaks and waits to see if he will take the bait. BUT WH is manning up! When she tried to sit down with him this week, he wordlessly got up in the middle of his meal, threw his food away and left the room. When she sat where he usually sits and waited for him, he took his lunch outside and ate there instead while he chatted with me on the phone. I see him setting boundaries and maintaining NC (No Conversation in this case) despite the fact that it is inconvenient and awkward for him to do so. And he tells me that he feels good when he gets to the end of the day and he knows he made the right choices to protect our marriage from her intrusions.

This behavior is all DRASTICALLY different from how he has reacted to previous DDays. He is no longer justifying or rationalizing his behavior, but he IS doing lots of introspection to try to figure out how to stop this behavior from recurring in the future. We've also had a lot of really great conversations in the last couple of weeks. I feel like even in dealing with OW's crap, we are able to talk about it and strategize the best way to handle it as a team, rather than him trying to hide things from me and me having to dig for info. Even when he misstepped a few times, he TOLD me. And that goes a long way to feeling like I can trust him again.

But I had to tell him last night that I really have no intention of ever closing that bank account. Right now anyway, I feel like that account is a tangible manifestation of my line in the sand, and I have no intention of making that line fuzzy ever again. But despite that, I am feeling hopeful.

It's wonderful that you feel ready to be here. Good luck to you! It sounds like he's doing what he needs to do to make you feel secure and to help you trust him again. And it certainly doesn't sounds like she's making it easy. Kudos to him this time around!

ka-mai
*************
Kids on the playground can be so cruel. “Get off the swings you’re like 50, and stop talking about Soundgarden, we don't even know what that is."

Posts: 14938 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: mercury's underboob

AFrayedKnot♂ 36622Member # 36622

Posted: 7:18 PM, August 14th (Wednesday), 2013

BS 42
fWS 38 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DsD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2859 | Registered: Aug 2012

sailorgirl♀ 38162Member # 38162

Posted: 10:27 PM, August 14th (Wednesday), 2013

when she tried to present him with a small gift he refused to accept it and told her that was inappropriate. He then told her his intention to have no interaction with her whatsoever out of respect for me and his marriage.

After fWH blocked OW from phone and email, she would stalk him at work and try to give him the letters she had written him. fWH refused to take them. One day, she left one on his windshield. He told me and then threw it out without opening it. He was so relieved to finally do the right thing, and I could feel his self-esteem rise.

He is no longer justifying or rationalizing his behavior

This is like a breath of fresh air . . . when they stop getting defensive and using all their crappy coping skills. The IC, "Not Just Friends" x 4, and AA all adds up to owning his shit.