Wednesday, May 5, 2010

I have so much to say and I just don't have time for graceful posts. So, instead, I'll just spill it all out.

I was at walgreens yesterday. This maybe tmi but, it was me in the aisle of feminine only products because everything is flipping over to normal. Normal I say. That word is just succulant. For the first time since I lost the baby, I actually feel normal. Normal and capable of doing what what a woman's body does. It's like I've been frozen in a hunk of plastic, suspended and dummified. It felt unreal.

This past month is over. I am now in charge of me again. It feels so much better.

And now it's all resetting and oh my god I started to cry in walgreens. I was so overwhelmed. Part of me thought that I just wasn't capable of being a woman, in that way, anymore. Which is irrational but healing from a miscarriage is not a rational process. And then I thought about the word capable. And I realize I've been putting myself through an unspoken ugly. Silently telling myself bad things.

But this wasn't my fault. It just wasn't time. I'm not defective. And this was what I was thinking in walgreens. I'm glad I had my extra dark sunglasses on because I was crying kind of hard by then. Silently though. Ninja like.

And this month we can try again. But the next you will hear of this is a photo of me super preggies. Like 8 months along. :)