Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Trey is about to enter a Juvenile Hall, where he is to await his trial. He is currently being psychologically evaluated before being put in an appropriate Pod or self-contained areas.

TREY

It bothers me… no it pains me to hear that he’s missed. No, I didn’t say one goddamn thing about shooting him, did I? (shakes his head) Maybe the nice little officer that arrested me didn’t tell you about his rap sheet. (pause) I’m tired. The clothes you give us are to wear here, they keep me up. They’re stiff, and couldn’t keep a damn mouse warm in these stone walls. (pause, looks the psychologist up and down) I bet you came from a good family. (smirks) Nice haircut. Well Sammy didn’t have one growing up. You know, I used to go to school with that kid, and every day, and I mean every day he’d say something about how much he hated his step father. That bastard.

I met his mother a few times, and she wouldn’t even look me in the face when I came into the house. She’d hide a lot when she had to talk to us. She was ashamed of her bruises. The ones he gave her. You know he deserved it. Anyone would have done it, seeing her battered up like that. People loved her. And deep down, you’re glad scum like that is gone from the earth. When it comes to a human being like that, it doesn’t matter how he died, but that he died. That he’s gone. So that you don’t have to read another police report about it. Men like that have no right to pick on something so, so innocent. So gentle and nurturing… and… it’s not like she deserved it-you saw her! Kindest woman I’ve ever met… kind of like… my mom. (long pause) Before she died though.

Uhm, she died last year. Fell out of her bedroom window. (stares blankly down at the table) I didn’t, I don’t know what happened exactly. The police just said it was, that she was drunk, and yea, she drank a little, or a lot, but it’s only when he… when he’d hit her. Women, mothers especially shouldn’t be mistreated in that way. That’s the worst kind of way too. You should’ve seen her when she was sober. Mother of the year… no one could even come close. I was her everything, and she was mine. I’d do anything for her… anything. When I was a kid, the kids at school used to pick on me because I was smaller than all of them. They kept calling me baby. “Baby’s gonnna cry… baby doesn’t have his bottle… is he gonna cry?” And I’d get into some stupid fight and my mom would pick me up right away. And you know she never did yell at me, or tell me how disappointed she was in me. She just understood what I had to do in that situation.

So I understand why someone had to kill Sammy’s stepfather. If anything, I respect him. Because, I wish someone would have done the same for me. My mom, she was an alcoholic, it’s true, but it wasn’t because she wanted to be. It’s because he made her. She couldn’t handle the abuse alone… there had to be something she could turn too… I wasn’t enough, I was, I was too young and dumb to help her. All she had was that liquor that cabinet with the glass windows so she could window shop her next drink for the night. And if you’re judging my poor mother, then you can fuck off. Because that clean shaven face of yours, that fuckin haircut you got there and that red tie… is that silk?... it’s all a product of a nice, healthy, loving family. But I’m not judging you either. Don’t worry. You didn’t have it like me and Sammy. You were one of the lucky ones.

1
Safiya Martinez
Assignment #5
CW #602
Sammy is a fourteen year-old boy in an eighth grade class. He was born oxygen deprived,
and as a result suffered considerably. He has mobility issues, needs to use a motorized
wheelchair, and is severely underweight. Sammy’s hands lack the strength to manipulate a
keyboard or a pen for very long, and has aide who works as a scribe for him. He also has an
incredibly sharp wit, is astute interpersonally and can cut nearly anyone down to size with his
words alone. He is tough, and students recognize this. They do not treat Sammy as if he is a
victim, and whatever he serves up, his peers dish right back. He enjoys his popularity, but
there is a sadness too. Like any fourteen-year old boy, he is hormonal and curious, and really
just wants to find a girl who will date him.
SAMMY
Indiana, listen, listen what I want to know is why you never you know; stop when you see
me in the hall. I be trying to talk to you all the time, and you just out.

SAMMY
No it’s not even like that. I’m always ducking this motherfucker right here—
[To Sean, his scribe and personal aide]

SEAN
Sammy—stop talking to me like that—

SAMMY
You be quiet, and bring me my water Sean.
And when you fill my water bottle, run that shit. And I mean, really run that shit. I don’t
want no germs, no lead in my shit. You understand? That’s how you get the bubonic plague
and all that.

SEAN
We’ve talked about this. You can get your own water.
2

SAMMY
Are you crazy or are you slow? I can barely press go on this bitch.
Get my water. And run that faucet for like a minute, minute and a half before you fill my
cup. You don’t watch The History Channel nigga? I know my history. You ain’t giving me
no infectious diseases cuz you tight you make minimum wage, and shit.
SEAN EXITS.

INDIANA
Why you talk to him like that?

SAMMY
I don’t like his ass, and he know it.

INDIANA
Rudeness. You so rude to everybody. That’s why nobody want to sit next to you at lunch.

SAMMY
What is you talking about? I stay with Darrel and them, all them cats in the tenth grade.

INDIANA
Whatever. You need to do your schoolwork, and stop playing around so much.

SAMMY
Well, I’m saying we could set up study dates and all that. You help me with math, you know
I’m hopeless, and I’ll write—not write, but help you Mr. Sugden’s position paper.

[SAMMY swats Indiana playfully]

SAMMY CONT’D
…C’mon yo, why you moving away?

INDIANA
Boy, you know you need to quit.

SAMMY
Alright, but you don’t need to leave though.

INDIANA
I have to go to afterschool, then my man is picking me up.

SAMMY
Word? Who you go out with?

INDIANA
[Sucks teeth, is quiet.]
3

SAMMY
Who you go out with? I won’t tell nobody.

INDIANA
With Michael.
SAMMY
Perkins?

INDIANA
Quinones.

SAMMY
Ugghh, I don’t like him. He stuck on stoops, and he got that fucked up ass hairline.

INDIANA
There is nothing wrong with his hair. And Sammy, you don’t like nobody.

SAMMY
A’ight, well I’mma see you tomorrow and you gonna help me with my math, right?

INDIANA
Yeah. See you tomorrow, Sammy…. [Turns away, then around to ask]
…Why you stay around here after class is over?

SAMMY
I gotta wait for Sean. He takes me out on the ramp.

INDIANA
Okay. See you tomorrow.

ENTER SEAN. He gives SAMMY his water bottle.

SAMMY
Thank you…

SEAN
It’s alright.

SAMMY
I’m not trying to bother you, but you think you could refill this? It’s a little warm.

SEAN
You’re coming with me then… and we’re going to the cooler. And you’re gonna fill it up.

Dr. Green’s two monologues located on pages 288 & 289 provides the audience with the most information about Roger and Ma. His role is strong because of his unique position to analyze the two parties. Plus, he’s a psychiatrist and definitely appears to be the most responsible here. Therefore, my decision is based on character but I also think beginning with Dr. Green’s monologues helps to establish an emotional connection with the audience.

So Em’s asked me the other day if I remembered what my first time was like.And I had to really think about it for a minute.Holy shit it’s been so long, and it seemed so far away like a mushroom trip from freshman year of high school.Oh Ricky.I lost my virginity freshman year to Ricardo, Ricardo… Ricar… what the fuck is his last name? Fuck I don’t believe I can’t remember his last name.Fucking weed. God I was so nervous but so was he.He was actually trembling and breathing like he had just sprinted to my house the moment I agreed to give him my virginity. He was so delicate like I was a dandelion.You know when they are all white like a blow ball and just a small breath could blow off all seeds off.He was that gentle.No ass smacking, no erotic asphyxiation, no handcuffs, no blow or weed, none of that shit.Everything he did was so amazing. Each touch, each kiss was like being touched on E.I mean when he was caressing my back and started kissing down my stomach it felt Incredible. Better than the sloppy drunken sex I have been having. Back then it was all so new and exciting and we just fit, like the first time we held hands and interlocked out fingers. When the foreplay finally ended and we started to have sex, everything stopped and it was like we were stealing time and we were never going to get caught, just Ricky and me in our own universe.I don’t remember the sex being like San Francisco earthquake-sex, decimating cities. But that didn’t mattered because we had this badass emotional connection. Just when we looked at each other it was different, the kind of connection that can only survive through innocence and ignorance.I miss that and I don’t at the same time.But the more I think about it the more I’m like, I really want feel like that again.I want to lose my breath and tingle again without being bent over my futon. (without putting my cervix through an mma fight.) I want to be nervous. I want to have those intense stares that make me blush and my eyes water.But how do you go back?It’s like heroin, the first high is best and you can never get that high ever again.That’s why the Chinese called it chasing the dragon but dragons don’t exist.So you keep chasing dragons and doing more drugs until finally your heart stops beating and your eyes don’t close.I don’t know what I want but I do know what I don’t want, I don’t want to be high anymore.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

(Opening in salon as Nobelman and friends are having drinks. Rather posh English accents.)

Clement

So, George. Where is it you’ll be off to this evening? Perhaps you’ll be paying a visit to
Miss Ginney? Or do you fancy Miss Sophie tonite?
George
I think Miss Sophie shall be graced with my company this evening gents. Ah, she does have a heart for me.
C.
Oh come, man. She’s the same as all the rest.
G.
Clement, dear boy, you have never cultivated the sensibilities to appreciate the pleasures afforded by such a woman as she.
C.
Yes then. And, could you enlighten me as to just what special qualities she possesses that might earn such high praise?
G.
Sir, you take me for a cad. I may, discreetly enough tell you that she anticipates my every need–(with a dramatic flourish)leads me into temptation, and finally, delivers me from evil. (Laughter from the gents) Our relations are...quite special.
C.
Ever so special is it then? My man, I would count myself the lesser of your companions if you were allowed to delude yourself one moment longer. I am afraid, good fellow, that you are unable to distinguish the sincere from the artificial .It’s merely an act, my man. A good act I’ll grant you. (Turning to the others) I myself have enjoyed a night out at the theatre while the missus sat busy with her needlepoint. (Laughing)
G.
Clement, dear boy. I couldn’t possibly expect you to understand that which transcends your experience. It is not merely the money that she needs...She simply finds me irresistible. I don’t think she could be sweeter.
C.
Then have yet another libation my good man. This in aid to your physique (pouring his drink), as an aperitif shall we say, for the repast that lies ahead. For my money good sir, a fine French wine is the sweeter still. But to each his own, eh gentlemen? (Toasting George) May the wind fill your sails as you cross the seas bountiful. (Offhand) And good luck getting there–the Marlebourne Road remains in rut and ruin these days.
G.
You are too kind by half. (Raising his glass) Gentleman, to your health.(They down their drinks)
(Lights down, then up on the interior of house where Gerte, Sophie and others reside)

Gerte
(Speaks with a cockneyed accent)
And how are you keeping this fine evening Govenor? Well I do hope.
George
Yes, indeed. All goes well with me.
Gerte
I’m ever so glad to hear such. Always a pleasure to see you again in this part of town. I see you’ve brought along one of those bottles of wine you’re so fond of. Would you like I should open it for you? We might have a little drink just between the two of us, eh Gov?
George
Oh I do appreciate the offer madam, but I was thinking that perhaps Miss Sophie might be about...to share this small token of my esteem?
Gerte
Oh yes, of course Sir. Mind you, Miss Sophie’s just popped around the corner on a moment’s notice like. Maybe you and me could pass an hour or so sampling some of what must surely be the nectar of the gods. Eh, Govenor?
George
(disentangling himself) Madam. Your generosity overwhelms me. I can in all honesty but admit that I have been too long pining for... the smile, the perfume, of the beloved Miss Sophie.
Gerte
(Rebuffed) Oh yes, well I understands perfectly Govenor. You know, Miss Ginney’s here about. Nice girl, Ginney. Lovely really.
George
Yes, Miss Ginney. Yes, lovely.
Gerte
I don’t know when Miss Sophie might likely be returning–you could share that “token of your esteem” with Miss Ginney alright.
George
Madam, I am, if anything, a patient man.
Gerte
Yes, of course you are. Why I knows you for a right gentleman the first I laid eyes on you. Nows if you were to-- (Gerte stops short as Sophie enters)
Sophie (startled)
Oh, well. Hello, then...Sir George. Isn’t this a pleasant surprise then.
Gerte
The Govenor here was just saying hows where you were concerned, Sophie dear, he was as patient as the day is long. Isn’t that right, Gov?
George
Yes, I was in fact. (Looking Sophie up and down) Just that.
Gerte
Yes, and he’s brought this fancy bottle of – (George cuts her off)
George
This extraordinary Bordeaux, Sophie. For you. Shall we partake of some in more intimate quarters?
Sophie
Well, Sir George. I can’t imagine how a girl might refuse such a lavishness then. I’ve a glass or two for just such, if you’d care to join me. (George and Sophie exit)
Gerte (calling after them)
Always a pleasure, Govenor.
(Gerte busies herself as lights go down)

In the empty university, a Cleaning Lady is passing the mop. Lori, student, arrives.

LORI

Good morning Maria!

MARIA

Good morning Missiz!

Lori sits and takes out a textbook from her bag. She starts to read. And then.

LORI

Maria...

Maria is sweeping and can't hear her.

LORI

Maria...

LORI

Maria I really like your dress. The delicate pattern mixing red hydrangea and Christmas tree really makes me travel. I mean, I feel like I'm in Marrakesh dancing, with a snake around my neck.

MARIA

Oh thank you miss!

LORI

You know Maria... Oh what a pretty name. Maria, Maria, I can smell an Italian pizza. Oh I feel the crunchy Parmesan, the deep flavor of the glass of chianti, Maria!

MARIA, happily smiling

Very nice miss. Very thank you. You havin class now? Early!

LORI

Could you please say « early » again ?

MARIA

Early!

LORI

Beloved music! Early. We are so connected Maria. Something big is gonna happend.

MARIA

Earthquake?

LORI

Oh! Yes I feel the same way.

Stunning Maria you're full of hidden metaphors. Yes my sweet I have Psych class in let's see -she watches her watch- 6 hours. But I couldn't risk being late. It's a very important class. And I confess I'm the kind of person that likes planning ahead, you don't mind?

MARIA

Yes Miss.

LORI

Oh you mean « no », how lovely. I want to know all about you. Since when do you wear this genuine hairdressing? I have a lot of friends at school but most of them don't say hi. Before, I was very sad about it, I thought there was something wrong with me. But now I know. My Uncle,my mother's brother, made me understand, and it took time, that there's , in fact, something wrong with them. I adore my Uncle Patrick. He adored me too when I was little because I was hairless. He doesn't like hair. He's a great psychiatrist. Now I only see him once a week for the therapy. But Maria, tonight he's coming for dinner. It has been ten years since he didn't come over. Because he's so proud I'm attending Professor Lautner's class. And Maria, I want you to be there too. I'm cooking. Of course you don't have to bring anything.

Characters:Sally – a young girl (about 8 or so) who has been diagnosed with a serious illness.Richard – Sally’s father. Richard supports Sally’s medical needs financially, but doesn’t always know how to be there for her emotionally, and sometimes wishes he didn’t have the extra burden.Friend – Sally’s imaginary friend that Richard cannot see and hear, which causes Richard and Friend to speak over each other's lines occasionally. Friend can either be male or female, and can be played by an adult, but should act like a child. Friend wears a doctor’s coat that is too big for him/her, especially at the sleeves where it hangs lower than his/her hands. The outfit is fitted with a plastic stethoscope, and he/she carries a small, colorful clipboard with fake charts and graphs.

(Sally and Friend enter. Sally hangs upstage, leaning against a corner of the wall of the kitchen. Richard is already in the room, opening the refrigerator to grab a drink.)

SALLYHi Dad.

RICHARDHey Sally. How are you feeling? Darling. (His words are strained and he stretches some of his vowels as he speaks, e.g. ‘Hey’ becomes ‘Heeeeey’.)

(Friend smirks in the background as Richard speaks.)

SALLYI’m alright.

RICHARDAlright? Only alright? Is something wrong? Uh…do you need me to call Dr. Goldstone, or do you need –

SALLYNo Dad, I’m fine. Just tired.

RICHARDYou sure?

SALLYYes. Cross on daisies.

RICHARDYou sure? You look…well, tired.

SALLYDad – I said cross on daisies.

RICHARDOkay. Let me know if you need something.

FRIEND(Excited, as though asking for a trip to an ice cream parlor.) Bring it up! Bring it up!

(A long pause. Friend begins to bend knees, half-hopping up and down in anticipation.)

FRIENDUgh! Why does he take so long to answer? It’s like he needs double the time of any other human being to respond!

(Sally gives Friend a quick glare.)

RICHARDSally.

(Pause.)

FRIENDArgh! Out with it (*) already!

RICHARD*Sally – do – do you know – do you understand what you’re asking?

SALLYI . . . I thought so, I –

RICHARDIf you go off your prescriptions you – you might die. I know it’s painful and it hurts, but – do you realize the consequences? (Pause.) Why do you want to go off?

SALLYWell –

FRIENDShhhhhhhh!!! Don’t tell! You promised not (*) to! If you tell, I – I won’t be your friend anymore! I’ll stop visiting you, and I’ll visit all the other kids from your grade instead – I’ll even play with Tina Dorsky, even though I know how much you hate her!

RICHARD*Sally, you have to tell me. Why do you want to stop?

SALLY(After Friend finishes.) I – I just do.

RICHARDSally, this is a big decision you’re making. I can’t let you make it alone. If you can’t explain to me why you want to stop your treatment, I don’t know if I can let you.

FRIENDOh blah blah blah – he’s so full of shit. He can’t make you not stop.

SALLYShit?

RICHARDWhat! Where did you hear that word?

FRIEND*Oooops . . .

SALLY*Um….Dr. Goldstone?

RICHARDDr. Gold – young lady, we will finish this discussion. Right now I want you to…to…go to your room!

SALLYBut –

RICHARDGo to your room!

(Sally turns to go, and Friend follows her.)

FRIENDWell, at least you didn’t have to explain why!

(They exit. Richard turns back to the fridge for his drink, but just stands in front of the closed door. Lights down.)

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

I haven’t got laid in three months and I’m thinking that there is something wrong with me.Like I’m defective or maybe giving off that creepy desperate, I haven’t been laid in months vibe. Getting rejected chips away at my confidence and there wasn’t that much to begin with. A good random fuck is 15 minutes of self-validation that has no equal. Casual sex doesn’t restore my confidence, but it definitely helps me forget about all my shit for a little.It’s just like heroin but way shorter and way more addicting. I usually hit the bars mid-week because the people who show up mean business.Who goes out on a Wednesday or Thursday and drinks without the intention of getting trashed and laid?I don’t mean your causal after-work happy-hour drinkers; I mean the loud attention hungry people slamming shots at the bar until closing.That’s my crowd, not the tourists but the people who drink like they’re on Grey Goose’s salary. So the other night I decided to fake an English accent because there isn’t an American woman alive that wouldn’t fuck a guy with a cheeky accent. I am tired of all the hot tail being exported to some random foreigner’s beds, my turn you limely fuckers.So I walk into Rbar and I see this tall hot red head.I mean shit, with heels on she was almost as tall as me.I walk up right next to her and order, “Hello mate, could I get a shot of Jameson please.”

And instantly big red hit me with the hardest fuck me eyes you can imagine.It was golden.She looks over and asks me where I’m from.

“Hello lovely, I’m from London. Ever been? “

And then I tell her how I play Rugby and I’m here for a huge tournament. Asshole athlete check, stupid clever sounding accent check. I am closing for sure tonight.Big Red loved my shit like a hipster loves skinny jeans and ironic tees. Funny thing was I kept switching from an English , to Irish, and Australian accents.The only accent missing was South African.

But big red never noticed; she was too focused on her own lippy game. Everything she said was a razor barbed jab chopping down my phony drunk English confidence. Sometimes she was funny but most of that shit that was a little too close to home. How she hoped, “I was just as big down there.”Fucking size queens.I just don’t under stand what the fucking deal is? The average guy is 5 inches and the average vaginal cavity is about just as long.Seriously ladies it’s a fucking cervix not a punching bag.Then I bit off more than I could chew when I said, “Well love, maybe we ought to sort this out in bed; shall we?” 1 tequila, 2 bourbons, and three jager red bulls later I’m at her place trying to take my shoes off so I don’t fuck up her carpet. Her room had a big ass bed with a big-ass mirror hanging above. The drunker I got the worse my accent became, at this point I was speaking auss-land-irsh. She hardly seem to notice and the next thing I remember is were both getting high and naked. Then is said to her, “ It’s about time you got a proper rinsing out.”

Yeah, I actually said that shit I have no idea where it came from either.It just sounded like some shit an English prick would say.Here’s where shit gets fuzzy.I remember the mirror falling down and big red yelling at me mid stroke, her only having magnum condoms and getting denied back door entry. Not just denied but I think she said she’d deck me in the face if tried again.Then I think she turned down head because I sucked at or something. Next thing I remember is standing in her living room with her yelling at me and throwing my clothes at me.In the chaos of everything I think I accidentally stole her phone. Sex normally makes me feel better or at least forget shit.I am not sure what happened that night but I know I didn’t fell better. This whole experience only added to my suffering hangover.“For Fucks Sake.!”

Amanda: Shut it.I’m serious here em.I think that I would rather fuck a broke college butter-face than some successful exce with a nice car and a needle dick.

Emily:Yeah, I hear ya.Women who say size doesn’t matter haven’t had baby arm between their legs.

Amanda:(laughs)That’s sad and true.

Beat.

Do you know what I’m doing right now?

Emily: no. Looking at porn?

Amanda: close, I was checking out the personals on Match.comThey’re missing a statistic…

Emily: Cock size, but you need numbers for length and girth honey.

Amanda: so true! But girth before length.

Emily: Well find anything?

Amanda:No, its like playing penis roulette blind folded. I’m moving on to Craigslist casual encounters where at least there is some honesty.Every picture maybe of some dudes junk but at least I know what I would be getting.Its kind of like shopping for cock on your couch.

Emily:Yeah but just like shopping form your couch, everything looks better on QVC than it does when it finally show up at your door. And that’s assuming that you are even looking at that person’s junk.

Amanda:Why has it become so hard to find a decent guy let alone a normal fuck buddy who is cool, has a big cock and knows how to use it? My expectations are so low at this point it’s…

Emily: I know, I know…And fucking you co-worker is never a good idea.And the bars…

Amanda: are full of assholes with plastic smiles, shitty cologne, and bad breath.I don’t think I am so opposed to a one-night stand, but you can only have so many bad experiences before you just give up and...

Emily: What’s that they say about the definition of crazy?Craziness is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result or something…

Amanda: no, craziness is having sex with well-hung guy and then going back and screwing some dude with a mini me dick.

Emily: Do I make bad decisions in a quest for some good dick or do I make bad decisions because I failed to find good dick and got wasted at the bars?

Amanda: Both, naturally. God I wish I were bi it would make life so much easier.If I didn’t find a guy I could always hit on some lipstick lesbian and know exactly what I was getting myself into.

Emily: It’s sad we think like this, that we are totally willing to forego emotional satisfaction and will settle for just some good sex.

Amanda: Yeah this is depressing me. I totally understand why women have affairs now. You find some smart healthy stable man with a small dick and just marry him because he satisfies you 75% of your criteria.But every now and then you just need the other 25% fulfilled. I don’t see this as amoral but as sexual Darwinism.

Break Light shift Old English and Friend at a bar

Jon: Remember how I was telling you chicks bang dudes with accents?

Cole:Yeah, I remember.I also remember that you couldn’t get your English accent straight from your Irish or Australian accents.

Jon:Yeah, well, but if the girl is wasted on jello shots it’s not like she’ll notice either. Case in point I banged this tall hot chick the other night I met at Delirium.

Cole: Fuck me really?That shit worked?

Jon:Yes dude.I haven’t been laid in weeks and I walk up to the bar.And say some shit like “I’d fancy a shot of Jameson please.”And right then this hot Amazon chick with this giant round ass looks over.And I knew right then she was going to fuck me.Like it was in her horoscope or some shit that my penis would be in her that night.You can’t fuck with fate.

Cole:Slow down buddy. I am not a believer in your theory just yet.I mean any normal girl can make a bad decision when she’s drunk.Just think about you’ve made a career off women like that.Just because one time you used a shitty fake accent doesn’t mean shit.

Jon:Haven’t you seen how American women’s legs always magically spread open to foreigners?Seriously, and it’s fucked up because it’s not like that in the rest of the world.Have you been to Italy, France, or Spain?None of the natives want to have anything to do with a foreign dude.

Cole:Well not only do we have a trade deficit but there is a global imbalance of vagina too…This economy really is shitty.Hey bartender, another round and “we’d fancy a couple shots of Jamesone.”

(Susan, Annabelle and Paige are all sitting around the communal breakfast table in the kitchen. Annabelle has her feet up on the edge of the table, painting her toes a wine red color, while Paige reads what appears to be a very thick novel. Susan is going through shopping receipts and credit card statements.)

Annabelle: Mom, I need a new bikini

Susan: Oh! Well let’s see, despite the fact that I spoil you enough, it’s the middle of December, you’ve already stolen half of my mine, and I don’t support lesbianism!

Annabelle: Lesbianism?!

Susan: If I remember correctly, Karen mentioned something about you girls making out in her Jacuzzi last weekend…

Annabelle: Ha, whatever mom- we were just playing…gosh Rachel’s mom is such an uptight bitch

(Susan rolls her eyes)

Susan: This better be a phase

Annabelle: You’re right, it is a phase…more like a trend- like ripped jeans or something. Besides, the boys love it.

(Annabelle hops up out of her chair and walks on her heels away from the table toward the fridge where she pulls a Popsicle from the freezer and starts aggressively biting it. She’s leaning up against the marble counter tops facing the table with a snarky look on her face.)

Susan: So I told Bradley to swing by and grab me tonight on his way to the office party.

Susan: Right, so I won’t be needing the car Annabelle… if you want to go out with your friends or something.

Annabelle: Sure! Ya…um that’s perfect…thanks mommy!

(Annabelle runs out of the kitchen and into her room as Susan yells back at her)

Susan: Besides, I told him the Lexus was in the shop!

Paige: (monotone & with attitude) Who’s Bradley?

Susan: Bradley’s the newest addition to our office, I thought it might be nice to have some one-on-one time with him before the party tonight. I figure he might catch on to our unofficial first date when I have him come in for a glass of wine before we go-What do you think; blue mini skirt, cream tank, black jacket? Red mini skirt, cream tank, black jacket?

(Susan sifts through a Bloomingdales bag that’s sitting on floor beside her, grabbing the garments to show Paige)

Paige: Neither.

(Paige looks down at her book & Susan rolls her eyes subtly then yells to Annabelle in the other room)

Susan: Belle darling! My credit card’s here for you on the kitchen table

(Annabelle yells back from the other room)

Annabelle: Oh, and a pack of Newports mom?

(Susan pulls a fresh pack out of her oversized Louis Vuitton and throws it on the table next to the credit card )

Susan: Alright honey- done, and done!

(Susan then directs her attention to speak to Paige while she multitasks, failing to make eye contact as she rearranges the papers on the table)

Susan: You know Paige, it’s just the way the world turns these days…You’re either a filthy rich man like you’re father, trading in for a younger model, or you’re a sexy, lazy man shopping for a classic woman like myself…

Paige: (monotone) Also known as a divorced mother with alimony

Susan: …and I’m in mint condition. You know, like a classic car-
Just another toy they’ve always wanted… It’s really one of the perks to being a bachelor

Paige: What…? (monotone & in question) Just when you think you might be doomed to loneliness, you find yourself in the market for cougars with condos….?

Susan: Paige (She finally looks at her, with a pause) I am a self-sustainable, gorgeous woman…why the attitude?

STEP-father, mind you. Do you know what he was like? (chuckles) of course you don’t. You’re just a cop.

OFFICER

I wouldn’t say, JUST a cop.

TREY

And why not? That’s what you are.

OFFICER

Just watch your tone, young man.

TREY

You’ve ever been to this house before?

OFFICER

I don’t recall…

TREY

Something about a domestic dispute? Maybe five, six times within the last six months? How about this one time, he beat her so bad in the face, that half of it was black and blue and her lip was split twice. Don’t recall any of that?

OFFICER

Doesn’t mean you take the law into your own hands.

The other officer returns and signals him to come over.

OFFICER STONE

Trey Louis. No prior arrests or convictions. Pretty clean kid. Never had a run in with the law, until now. Just a normal sixteen year old boy from…

OFFICER PALMER

What did you say? Say that again… sixteen?

OFFICER STONE

Yea, why?

OFFICER PALMER

Son of a bitch’s been claiming he’s been 12 this whole time. Now why would a sixteen year old do that?

The two officers turn to look at Trey, who’s been staring at them the entire time.

JOANIE is a 18 year-old girl, SAM her 22 year-old husband.They are in the hospital parking lot, and SAM is trying to help JOANIE into his dad’s truck.She is pale and wearing all white.He is wearing all black.

SAM: I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that. I just thought eating might make you feel better.

JOANIE:No, it won’t.I want you to drive me home.Just drive.

SAM:(turns keys in ignition) Alright.

(LONG SILENCE)

JOANIE: Remember the first time you saw me?I was 12.

SAM: The youngest dancer in the company. You were weightless, like a swan.

JOANIE:And now, now I’m glued to the ground.

SAM: Don’t say that.

JOANIE: But it’s true.You have to just accept it.

SAM: (sternly) You know, you may have given up, but I haven’t.And I won’t.(SHORT PAUSE)Joanie, I can’t.

JOANIE: You have to.

SAM: (angrily) No!I’m sorry!How many times have I said I’m sorry?I wish it had been me?How many times? God, Joanie I wish it had been me. (NURSES come in and rearrange furniture to represent a hospital room.SAM is still sitting, but JOANIE’S chair becomes a hospital bed) But the truck came out so fast and I didn’t see it.And there- you went out the window.If only I could have grabbed you.Held you.I should have looked again, but you were talking and I- I’m sorry.I wanted to- There was so much blood and you didn’t move.Didn’t make a noise and -

JOANIE:(stands) (PAUSE) Sam?

SAM:Yes, Baby, what? (reaches for her hand)

(PAUSE)

JOANIE: (turns to look at SAM) I was pregnant. (SAM meets her glance as the lights fade out on her to an empty hospital bed.)

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Hello? Doctor? Yes, it's me, Mr. Charles. Yeah. No. It's not about my rectum this time. No…. its' not about my nasal cavity either. No… no - god doctor, just – sshh. No - it's… I'm having guests over later for a BBQ, and my wife just told me that those…. those… damn raccoons outside have been licking the gristle off the grill at night. I told her to bring in the grill every time after we use it, but she left it out, and now I'm pretty sure it’s all sorts of infected. What do you mean? What do I meant? I mean with rabies. They say all the animals outside have it now. Yes. No. I mean- I know what rabies is. If you get it they have to stick a needle into your stomach the size of a pole. And I don't want my guests getting it! What? No doctor. Sorry, you're wrong. It’s in their mouths, and if it’s in their mouths then it’s on my grill and if it’s on my grill then it’s on my burgers and if it’s on my burgers then it’s in my guests! I'm a lawyer, doctor, I know the repercussions that will have! Lawsuits and paper work for years! And the kids! How will I put them through Yale - yes I know how young they are - can't be ready too soon. So Doctor, what I’m asking you to do is to come to my home and sterilize my grill. No, the fire WON'T do the trick, I need you to come over here and certify that it has been cleaned. This is a big dinner. An IMPORTANT dinner. If anything goes wrong, I'm going to lose a lot of money and a lot of very important friends. Ok, you're really not going to come over? Alright. I guess I'll have to solve this myself…. rubbing alcohol is a sterilizer right? I think I have one of those old diabetic syringes around. So I'll just going to load the burgers up and it should keep the meat safe right? What - no - you're no help. I've figured it out. I'll just take care of it by myself. Good day.

Susan: Besides, I told him the Lexus was in the shop…
(She yells to Annabelle in the other room)

Paige: Who’s Bradley?

Susan: Bradley’s the newest addition to our office, I thought it might be nice to have some one on one time with him before the party tonight. I figure he might catch on to our unofficial first date when I have him come in for a glass of wine before we go-What do you think; blue mini skirt, cream tank, black jacket? Red mini skirt, cream tank, black jacket?

Paige: Neither. (Paige looks down at her book)

(Susan rolls her eyes subtly & yells to Annabelle in the other room)
Susan: Belle darling! My credit card’s here for you on the kitchen table…

(Annabelle yells from the other room)
Annabelle: Oh, and a pack of Newports mom?

(Susan pulls a fresh pack out of her oversized louie vuitton and throws it on the table next to the credit card… )

Susan: Alright honey- Done, and done!

Susan: You know Paige, it’s just the way the world turns these days…You’re either a filthy rich man like you’re father, trading in for a younger model, or you’re a sexy, lazy man shopping for a classic woman like myself…

Paige (monotone): Also known as a divorced mother with alimony

Susan: …and I’m in mint condition. You know, like a classic car-
Just another toy they’ve always wanted… It’s really one of the perks to being a bachelor these days…

Paige: (monotone & in question) Just when you think you might be doomed to loneliness, you find yourself in the market for cougars with condos….?

Susan: Paige (She finally looks at her, with a pause) I am a self-sustainable, gorgeous woman…why the attitude?

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

(Angie packing another box. Boy comes back from the kitchen with a rag)

BOY
Stove is finished.

(Angie is distracted by a picture)

BOY
Angie the stove is finished.

ANGIE
Hmm. Let me see.

(Angie drops the photo and observes the stove. She turns to the stove to the side, and reveals dirt)

ANGIE
Did you not think of wiping the side?

BOY
I don’t think your landlord is going to rip apart the stove to examine mildew that’s been growing there before you moved in. And then charge you for it.

ANGIE
How many years have you lived here?

BOY
…None.

ANGIE
How many man-dates did you have with Mr. Landlord, that you know what he or he isn’t capable of charging? Tell me. Tell me your secrets with the relationship with this city. Your little treasure chest of a city. Not my city. Not the city that I’ve been brooding in for five years, not the city where I poured more bile and blood into my work than you ever did back in San Francisco, not the city that everyday when I wake up I hear the foot steps of millions of people with purposeful goals in life, which tends to remind me that I am the foot steps of lost causes. You are right…this is not my city…this is your city…this is your apartment…this is your landlord…and that…that is your stove. So you can do whatever you want with it.

BOY
Okay…I’ll clean the side.

ANGIE
You come three thousand miles away to do what? To make this move three thousand times more difficult. You have to scrub harder than that.
(pause)
Have you seen my photo?

BOY
What photo?

ANGIE
I had a photo in my hand. It’s not in my hand anymore.

BOY
I wasn’t aware of a pho…

ANGIE
Where is it?

BOY
I…

ANGIE
Where is it?

BOY
I don’t know where it is!

ANGIE
You don’t understand. It was in my hand. I was…I was pinching it. I was squeezing it. Where is it? You know where it is!

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

PEDRO
I learned how to use power tools at an incredibly young age. My dad had this gold lookin hammer that he’d, um, he’d never let me use because he said it’d be too heavy. Pedro, no lo toques, el oro te daña el corazón…porque pesa. [Pedro, don’t touch it, gold ruins the heart, because it’s heavy]. It wasn’t real gold though so I don’t know what the hell he was talkin about. (Pause) We’d build all sorts of shit. Stuff we didn’t really need around the house. A trashcan out of wood… A, a whatumacallit, rack-thing to dry clothes off of. Except Pa made it especially for Mami to use for her underwear. The only thing that touches her intimates, is my wood. Verdad, Clara? She’d call him cochino and bring us dinner to the garage. Then, one day my dad said we were gonna make something big. And that I could use the hammer. Shit, what are we making, Pa? He gave me the hammer, spent the whole day building this huge box with me. What’s it for, Pa? Keep hammering. It’s huge. Pásame el screw… It was fucken brutal, not knowing what that damn box was for. But I got to hold the hammer, sooo… it didn’t matter, right? I guess. But fuck. It was fucken hot in that garage too. (Pause) And I hate my father. I remember his face, calm, concentrated, looking up at me and smiling like we did all the time building shit. (Pause) And that day, he left the hammer out and he packed the rest of his tools up. He packed up all his shit, and he left me the hammer. And he left. And that box sweated in that garage for eleven fucken years.

MAMI
Pedro!

PEDRO
My Ma calls me home when she needs someone to fix things at her house. And she still has that fucken box and the same fucken hammer.

PEDRO
At first you were just on vacation, building a boat on some beach somewhere.

PAPI
Really?

PEDRO
Yeah…I was a little kid. I was stupid... to me, you were building a boat and you were going to haul it back here for us to use. But…when that ship sailed and you were gone a year… I figured you went to Vegas to make more money for us to live a better a life.

PAPI
I did go to Vegas a couple of times.

PEDRO
But not for us.

PAPI
No…

PEDRO
Anyway, after two years I thought you had been arrested.

PAPI
For what?

PEDRO
I don’t know, the reason changed after the years.

PAPI
For something bad?

PEDRO
Not at first. Stealing from an old lady, breaking into a white family’s house with your tools… Some lame shit like that. It got worse the more time you stayed away. Pedophilia, first-degree murder.

PAPI
That bad, ah?

PEDRO
What you did was pretty fucken bad, Dad.

PAPI
I know. Shit, your mami. (Dad hides in box, disappearing. MAMI comes out with a box of letters. She tosses them in the box.)

PEDRO
What’s all that?

MAMI
None of your business. (She exits)

PAPI
(Pops his head out) Ah, I remember these. Love letters. From when we were young. Your mami, she was…mmm. She got my (whistles) rigor-mortis pretty fast.

PEDRO
Papi, ya.

PAPI
Well, it’s true. Something about the way she smells, still smell it a little. (Sniffs) But she’s mostly dried out. But mmm… and when I’d taste her—

PAPI
Yeah, it’s hard to stick with just one of them. They’re nice but so casual. “Hi, how are you? Wanna have sex with me? Thanks.” That’s nice only the first couple of times. But your mami, ah, she tortured me. Made me work hard for it. Made me a man. (Pause) What?

PEDRO
Then get back in it, or wherever you came from. Vete pa’l carajo, man.

PAPI
(Gets a letter) Read a couple of these and I’ll be back.

MAMI steps out to read the letters, she’s more like a memory:

MAMI
(Sweetly) Ay, Pedro. Pedro Mártir. Mmm… (Pause) Leave me the fuck alone, okay? I already told my pa’ about you and he’s got his machete ready. And I don’t care what he does to you, okay? You look at me with those eyes, like a demon, like haunting me. And I think you should leave me alone. Yo soy una virgen, okay? I don’t take that stuff lightly. And you come around here, I know what you want. Get me pregnant…on purpose. Keep me around with you forever. Take care of me. Make love to me. Cook for me from time to time and hold me in your sleep. Vete pa’l carajo! I’ma go to college, see the world, oiste? Not gonna get stuck in a house with babies…But I do want a kid…one day. A boy. Or a girl, but boys are better; they listen to their mamas. (Pause) But we won’t be having any babies anytime soon, and if you come over here again asking to take me out or sit on the couch and look at me the way you do with those eyes and that smile and smelling like you do, making me wonder what you look like sin pantalones, then I will get my dad’s machete and shake what my mama gave me, my hand right down there and I’ll take care of you, not in the sexy way, okay? So you better leave me alone for two more years until I get out of community college. Then we can talk. Maybe. (She grabs another letter, it’s from him. She does a “man’s” voice) But, Clara, I love you. (Pause) Pfff! That’s it? That’s all you wrote back? Caramba! Everything I said and then you write that and what do I do? Date you. (Shakes her head) Like a tonta! And we danced and we fought. And you—we made our mistakes and we forgave. And two years later we got married and two years after that we had Pedrito…And for eleven years we laughed and danced and fought and made love. Thank you. (She exits)

PAPI
You don’t remember? My flamingo lamp that I won in poker? (Pedro shakes his head) Here.

PEDRO
I don’t want it.

PAPI
Loosen up. Turn it on. (Gets two beach chairs out and a cooler) Sit down with me and let’s have a couple of beers.

PEDRO
In there?

PAPI
Why not?

PEDRO
That’s your, your dead space.

PAPI
It’s not contagious. Come in. Pull up a seat.

PEDRO
(Pedro sits, opens a beer)

PAPI
This stuff…is my favorite kind of gold.

PEDRO
It’s alright.

PAPI
No bebes?

PEDRO
No mucho.

PAPI
That’s good, papito. Good. I’m surprised.

PEDRO
Why is that?

PAPI
It runs in the family…plus, you got a belly.

PEDRO
A bell—

PAPI
I’m just saying, you said you weren’t married so ain’t no woman cooking up that stomach… And you don’t drink? You don’t do much then, do you now.

PEDRO
I take care of Mami.

PAPI
Ah, pues. A toast (holds up the beer) to your beautiful mother. (They clink bottles, Pedro puts his down). I told you how good your mother was right? Firm and determined. My heart was always true to your mother.

PAPI
It doesn’t really matter where I was, papito…but where I’m going.

PEDRO
Whadd’you mean?

PAPI
Where are you gonna send me, Pedro?

PEDRO
Ah?

PAPI
It’s up to you. If I go to el cielo con Papa Dios or you know down where to suffer.

PEDRO
I don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about—

PAPI
Ok, I’ll ask again later. But the decision is yours. If you wanna send me to hell or to peace, jefe. Damn but I hope there’s corona in heaven, you know? You know how the Bible talks about we’re gonna put our crowns before him… I’ll put my corona in front of him, papito…and I hope He…I hope He likes beer is what I hope.

PEDRO
Nah…He likes wine and shit.

PAPI
(Laughs) Maybe we could change His mind.

PEDRO
So you’re really dead?

PAPI
Yeah, Pedro. I’m a dead mother-fucker. You get it, cuz I used to (whistles) with you mom.

PEDRO
You better cut that shit out or I will send you someplace dry…like a white woman’s pussy—

PAPI
Ahhh, no! No! Anywhere but there!

PEDRO
Damn, we’re messed up, Pa.

PAPI
Yeah. We’re only human though, you know?

PEDRO
That’s the thing though, you weren’t human to me.

PAPI
No?

PEDRO
Nah. You were my rock. You were something so big to me. Strong. Funny. You had your woman and you took care of us. And you had fun doing it.

PAPI
I was a loser, Pedro.

PEDRO
Not to me.

PAPI
Yeah well, I didn’t make much money. Then, that summer, I lost my job.

PEDRO
So get a new one.

PAPI
You know what a pain in the ass it is to get a job out here, Pedro?

PEDRO
Yeah, but—

PAPI
No. No, hear me out because you’ve had it a little easier.

PEDRO
I don’t want to hear about how times were hard for you—

PAPI
Well I’m telling you anyway. I worked on a farm most of my life, move here with a family, had to get work quick. Shitty jobs are fine when you’re starting, but when you keep getting placed in that position, those positions where no one respects you because…they don’t even notice you. Damnit, I speak English. Didn’t matter. Working alongside white college kids that are there just for party money. Spend their tip money on blow or bud or fucking cigarettes…And it’s hard to hold it against them because they don’t know any different and it’s hard not to because they don’t know how different it can be. It may not seem like it, but I’m proud, papito. And when I couldn’t build us something good, well, I went down. I went to all those places you said. Everything you’ve imagined of me is right. I’m a low-life. So I left and did what I was good at and I got out of your way.

PEDRO
You ran away. I was a little kid, I didn’t know. I didn’t see anything wrong with you. Why…why wasn’t the look in my eyes—the innocence—the trust—fucken…awe of you…why wasn’t that fucking enough, Pedro.

PAPI
I don’t know. I’m sorry.

PEDRO
Fuck. Mom took extra jobs until I could keep up. I was fucking eleven. And I had to wait till I could do something to help. That’s—I suffered until I was sixteen and could fucking do something about it finally. Help her out. I don’t need a woman, I got one to take care of…Yours. Fucker. And she still loves you. She kept this box. This stupid, ugly, ghetto-ass box that you made, knowing you were leaving and only death would bring you back. Man, fuck you. How do you let your kid make your casket with you, that’s sick. Go to hell, Pa. Go to fucking HELL, okay?

PAPI
Is that what you want?

PEDRO
(Pause) No.

PAPI
Then burry me out back. Put me in the box and burry me out back. And talk to me whenever you want.

PEDRO
I don’t know. I have to think about it.

PAPI
Okay. Then think.

PEDRO
But I want reasons. I want fucken excuses. I want to know why you did all this. What you did out there without us? How you missed us…You’re gonna be quiet now? (Kicks the flamingo) This fucking flamingo, fucken—FUCK!

MAMI
Pedro!

PEDRO
Ah?

MAMI
Qué tu haces gritando solo?

PEDRO
Nothing.

MAMI
Ay comida aca’tras.

PEDRO
Yeah, I’m coming.

MAMI
(She comes near him) Pedro. Pedro, mírame.

PEDRO
What?

MAMI
He was your Papi, Pedro.

PEDRO
So what?

MAMI
He was everything I loved and gave me everything I love.

PEDRO
Yeah…good for you.

MAMI
Ey. Era humano. And whatever sins he did against us, he did against our Lord and he must live with that forever, para una eternidad.

PEDRO
Good. I want him to live with it.

MAMI
You shouldn’t have to live with his sins, papito. They’re not yours. Let them go. And stop drinking this beer like it’s coconut juice, okay? Got me worried and you’re already getting fat.

PEDRO
Ay, Mami!

MAMI
Ay, Mami qué? Get out of this box—this garage. You’re here all the time—

PEDRO
You wanted me to fix the casket—

MAMI
Looks pretty good to me. He’s not gonna know the difference.

PEDRO
You ask me to come here—

MAMI
Yeah, well, now I’m asking you to leave. To live. To lose some weight, papito.

PEDRO
I’m not that big!

MAMI
No…so why don’t you grow up, ah, become a man—

PEDRO
I always was one—

MAMI
Well then take a few steps back, and do all the shit you missed out on and then grow up. You were always waiting for him to come back. Well, he’s back now, okay? Safe and sound. Now, get out.

PEDRO
Ma—

MAMI
You heard me, get out, get a woman, go to college, get a hobby, una pasión. You need some passion in your life, for something, for someone. For life. Vete.

PEDRO
You want me to do all that? And leave you alone?

MAMI
I’m not alone. I’m gonna burry your papi out back and grow chilies out of his plot and make dinner for my new boyfriend.

PEDRO
Your new boyfriend—

MAMI
Ey, till death do us part, and I put in my time. Conoces a Don Gregorio from down the street?

PEDRO
Yeah…

MAMI
I’m going to make him a nice juicy flan, lots of canela sauce—

PEDRO
Okay, ma’, I don’t, that’s fine. You go do that.

MAMI
Yeah, I’m gonna do that, and I don’t want you here to hear okay.

PEDRO
Got it.

MAMI
Okay. Thank you, papito. Te amo, ah?

PEDRO
Yeah, me too.

MAMI hums as she goes inside.

PEDRO
You still there? Pa…Pa, you still there?

PAPI
(Takes a while but then pokes his head out) Yeah. Damn that was hard to hear…Don Gregorio…

PEDRO
Pa.

PAPI
Yeah?

PEDRO
She’s gonna put you out back.

PAPI
I know…I’ll probably hear her screaming with Don Gregorio…preciosa, she always knew how to get me back.

PEDRO
Pa, here’s your hammer.

PAPI
No, I gave it to you. You keep it. Use it. And…when you need advice, you come out back, me oyes?

PEDRO
I’ll visit you…but I’m not asking for no advice.

PAPI
Okay.

PEDRO
What you did was fucked up.

PAPI
I know.

PEDRO
What else do you want in there with you?

PAPI
Um…an extra six pack…?

PEDRO
What else?

PAPI
A picture of your mami on our wedding day.

PEDRO
Uhuh.

PAPI
Your diploma—

PEDRO
Don’t got one.

PAPI
Get your GED, bruto, c’mon.

PEDRO
Alright.

PAPI
Y dame un abrazo, coño.

PEDRO
I will in a minute. What else do you want?

PAPI
You know what I came for…

PEDRO
Yeah. I’m giving it to you, but don’t get cocky, I’m not giving you much more.

PAPI
That’s all I need.

PEDRO
Alright, I’ll be right back. (Goes to get the stuff, while he does this, Papi gets nice and comfy in the casket). Here.

PAPI
Ah, thank you.

PEDRO
Pásame el screw.

PAPI
What you gonna build, papito?

PEDRO
Get in.

PAPI
I am.

PEDRO
Lay down.

PAPI
Hey…

PEDRO
What?

PAPI
You said you were gonna give me something else.

PEDRO
Ah, fuck. I forgot. Yeah. Stand up. (Papi drops all his stuff inside as he stands up. They hug.)

Monday, September 13, 2010

Ellis Lee
JAY WALKER AND THE ECHOES
Set: Round table with red, flannel table clothe. Two wooden chairs with bowl of biscuits and two glasses. Polished Frigidaire in background stocked with milk bottles.
Characters:
Peabody- Fifteen-year-old with striped tee shirt, blue jeans and crew cut. Grass stains on both knees. Southern accent.
Paul- Big-boned and talkative thirteen-year-old with striped tee shirt and blue jeans with torn pockets. Southern accent.
Scene 1
PAUL is sitting in a chair to the left of the table staring at one of his ripped pockets and shaking his head in disapproval. PEABODY enters stage right and walks to the refrigerator and grabs a bottle of milk. PEABODY walks over to the right chair and pours out a glass of milk for himself and then PAUL. PEABODY sits down.
PAUL: Ma said you were gonna take…
PEABODY: …I know, I’ll do it later.
PAUL: You should do it now, (Mock woman voice) “there really is no time to dilly dally.”
PEABODY: Shush up I’ll do it in a second. Did you hear about Jay Walker?
PAUL: You’re changin’ the subject…
PEABODY: Alright.
PEABODY Exits scene left. PAUL sips his milk. Sound of dog barking and laughter followed by stern “NO.” Dog whine. Door slams. PEABODY enters stage right, takes seat to right of table.
PEABODY: Now, did you hear about Jay Walker?
PAUL: Who in the heck is Jay Walker? And why do I care? Does he hang around the Walkers?
PEABODY sips his milk.
PEABODY: No that’s old Nate Archers gang, there over in west Norfolk, I’m talkin’ about Jay Walker, that kid who won the talent show two years back with that cover of that Wildwood flower song. He said it was his, but it sure sounded like an old song to me, way before the likes of us were born, pa said so too. But he might as well have wrote that song cause he did the best damn…
PAUL: Peabody, ma’ll hear…
PEABODY: Now I was sayin’ something and you completely interrupted me, how do you get friends if you don’t let a word in edgewise on their behalf, you got what they call a domineering personality and you’re trying to domineer the wrong person, now let me finish.
PEABODY sips his milk.
PAUL: Alright, I was just trying to look out for you, you cry over the soap way more’n me.
PEABODY: Shush up, you cried for longer’n a Willow last time you swore.
PAUL: Did not.
PAUL sips his milk.
PEABODY: Did too, as I was sayin’ Jay Walker sang this song and he wooed everyone; every girl at the end was reaching up to him like he was the first cherries in July. And he knew it too, he would charm a girls pants off…
PAUL (giggling): Now why’d he do that?
PEABODY: Girls n’ guys do that thing I don’t know how to say it to you but they do a thing that you’ll see soon as you divide your pants size by 2.
PAUL: Shush up!
PEABODY: Stop interruptin’ Jay Walker was walking lightning and he knew it. He would have a girl in his room and then the next night have a different girl and then the night after that another girl. And all these girls were falling head over heels for Jay Walker, but to him they were just notches on his belt.
PAUL: Did he have as many notches as I have?
PAUL lifts shirt to show belt.
PEABODY sips his milk.
PEABODY (smiling): Three times that, only his didn’t count how many salamanders he seen. He would go about takin’ all these girls out then dumping them for the next girl that came around. His manager, pa called him a good man named Foster, told him he had better fall for himself to spare all these girls that were coming in to meet him. Well, then he got on that Dick Clark show and from there he began a national tour, he was pretty big, you sure you ain’t heard of Jay Walker?
PAUL: Nope. I’d tell you if I did.
PEABODY: Alright well he started getting real big and the girls kept coming, and his manager kept getting angriern’ angrier. ‘You better do them all a favor a fall for yourself, you’re leaving your own little trail of tears.’
PAUL: Did he ever get his comeuppance?
PAUL sips his milk.
PEABODY: I’m getting to that, be patient. Well, one day he was in Memphis playing a show and he was getting ready in his room. This next part no one but his manager really knows but this is what pa said. As I was saying, he was getting ready in his room and he started looking at himself. He’s putting on all his flashy music gear with his shiny suit and satin neckerchief and suddenly he’s just taken with himself. Like he was a dog looking at a steak only he was both the steak and the dog. He can’t stop staring and he’s looking good.
PEABODY sips his milk.
PAUL: You don’t never look at yourself in the mirror and get taken, I’m the Green Lantern in front of the mirror every morning.
PEABODY: What…? No. He wasn’t pretending and he wasn’t fooling, he was actually taken with himself. So taken with himself that he had apparently chipped his tooth and broke his nose against the mirror trying to kiss himself. His manager walked in and he was a bloody mess kissing himself, trying to get past the wall and get inside the reflection to be with himself.
PAUL: Nuh uh, there ain’t no way he did that. Why would he cut himself open on his reflection? Why wouldn’t he just kiss his arm or something?
PEABODY: He didn’t want to peck himself he wanted to kiss like a boy does a girl with himself.
PAUL: But he’s not a girl.
PAUL sips his milk.
PEABODY: He was to himself…
PAUL: Maybe he thought that he was a boy and his reflection was a girl, and he thought he was kissing the girl form of himself.
PEABODY sips his milk.
PEABODY: That’s stupid, he’s the same person on both sides of the mirror.
PAUL: Maybe he thought he was the person he actually is and he was trying to kiss the celebrity with all the make up and the glory.
PEABODY sips his milk.
PEABODY: That makes more sense, but I guess we’ll never know, his manager walked in and saw Jay Walker in a mess of himself and called the ambulance. The ambulance people drove him to some nuthouse outside of Murphreesboro. He is forbidden from looking at mirrors so he can’t see himself and now he’s real sad.
PAUL sips his milk.
PAUL: Imagine the girl you thought was real pretty didn’t like you and thought you were real ugly, or worse didn’t notice you at all and they put you in a straight jacket for it. Now imagine that that girl is yourself. That’s one dill of a pickle.
PEABODY: You’re telling me.
PAUL and PEABODY finish their milk.