Sunday, January 5, 2014

Will the Thanks Ever End? Welcome-Taking in an Over-Appreciative World

“You Are Welcome!” as a reply to even a heartfelt "Thank you"seems to be
falling out of favor in this frenzied, informal, digital world.

We hurriedly
reply to the with yet another “No, thank you!”

Will the gratitude never end?
By replying to “Thank you!” with“No, thank you!” may seem
polite enough, but it does not mark the completion of the exchange.

And it can be mistaken for, "No thanks to you!"

Grateful people are happier, healthier long after the leftovers are gobbled up, notes The Wall Street Journal. Yet, how do we know that those thanks have been received? Are we able to be gracious enough to receive them? It seems that in the days of virtual friendships and cyber-commuting the welcome mat has been replaced by the “send” button in a truly never-ending exchange of appreciation that may be full of stuffing.

Linguistics expert Lynne
Murphy notes in her TEDxTED Talk that the British proclivity
for the thankee to “Thank” the thanker back is usually due to the reality that
no one else has anything more to say. In contrast, while Americans have been
observed to have an overwhelming desire to show endless gratitude -- hence,
“Thanksgiving” is a national holiday. Yet, she projects that most likely the
practical depth of such appreciation is relatively shallow. She makes the point
that the latter politeness behavior system is “especially addictive” in the
digital world, such as Facebook.

Are we being informal
because we don’t know how to accurately measure the necessary formality a
situation may call for?

The reply to “Thank you!”
varies across cultures. In some cases it casts a shadow of humility on the
donor, saying that the gesture really did not cause any significant loss or was
not a burden. Examples of “It’s nothing” or “No big deal” or “No problem”
include “De res” (Catalan), “Walang anuman” (Tagalog) “De rien” (French) and
“Nincs mit” (Hungarian). Thanking someone in such a way that is
disproportionate to the relationship can provoke resentment, guilt and even
anger.

Other replies can be
“misunderstood or even misused to exert control over the receiver!” notes
researcher Jeffrey J. Froh, assistant professor of
psychology at Hofstra University in Hempstead, N.Y., in The
Wall Street Journal. Thus,
“Please” as “Bitte schön” (German), “Bevakesha” (Hebrew), “Prego” (Italian),
and “Prosze” (Polish), can be inferred that the gesture is one way, or as
children say in the game of tag, “No tag backs!”. In other cases, the giving
has been undertaken with the intention that it will promote pleasure, such as
“Mi gusto” (Spanish) or “Gerdu svo vel” (Icelandic). The Danish “Selv tak” (Thanks
yourself) and Swedish “Varsagod” (Be so good) makes the exchange more final.

Replying with “You’re welcome”, however, is unique
It can be said, or conveyed through a gesture, such as a bow in Japan or holding palms touching as
if in prayer that is offered in many Southeast Asian and other Buddhist
cultures. There is often a break
in the exchange during which time the cycle of give and acceptance is achieved.
It promotes the idea that the recipient is literally welcomed into the exchange
and deserving of our efforts.

OBSERVER

Lauren Deutsch is the executive producer / director of Pacific Rim Arts (www.pacificrimarts.org), a multi-cultural / multi-discipline initiative through which to explore and promote traditional cultures in contemporary life. She is a contributing editor of Kyoto Journal and writes for numerous other scholarly and cultural print and online publications, as well as public radio and television productions. A student since 1985 of Sosei Matsumoto, sensei, Lauren was initiated as “Sochi” (her professional name) in 1997 by Sen Soshitsu, Hounsai, the XVth Grand Master of the Urasenke School of Tea in Kyoto, and licensed to be an instructor. Lauren can be reached at mailto:sochideutsch@gmail.com.