The man fell like a brick, twitching and groaning in a heap on the ground. Madara frowned, putting away the Nerf gun he'd been holding to his back. "I don't think he's unconscious." Sakura bashed the man upside the head with her frying pan. "Now he is." [AU. Crack!fic. Language Warning. Prequel to "Operation: EDUCATION."]

I do not own Naruto, Nerf, or the following Dr. Suess characters: The Cat In The Hat, Red Fish, the Yawning Yellow Yak, Thing One, Thing Two, Little Cindy Lou Who, the Grinch, Jo-Jo, and Sam I Am.

IMPORTANT NOTE: The sequal for this will soon be out, if it isn't already when you're reading this! It's called Operation: E D U C A T I O N, so please look for it under my stories!

Enjoy! :D

Please read and review!

"Uzumaki, what the hell are you doing with my cousin?"

It all started with that one question.

And Neji finding Naruto about to screw Hinata, but that was beside the point.

"U-um…w-well, you see—"

"N-nii-san! ! W-we were j-just—"

"Uzumaki, you are dead."

And that was how Haruno Sakura found herself harboring a fugitive.

~oooOOOooo~

"Naruto, what the hell did you do this time?"

The blond was sitting on the couch in her apartment, the shit having been thoroughly beaten out of him. He removed the ice pack from his jaw for a moment to flail his arms around wildly as if it would help prove his point.

"Neji-teme just, like, hit me!" he cried. "For no reason!"

Sakura shot him her best 'are-you-really-trying-to-fool-me-with-that' glare. Sasuke snorted.

"I DID NOT! !" he yelled back, holding the ice pack to his badly-bruised cheek with one hand and jabbing a finger at Sasuke with the other. "There is NOTHING I would ever steal from him! Does he have a bagillion boxes of ramen? I THINK NOT."

"Kid, what is it with you and ramen?" Kisame asked irritably.

"DO NOT MAKE FUN OF MY RAMEN, YOU CREEPY FISH-MAN-PERSON, BECAUSE YOU ARE JEALOUS THAT I HAVE RAMEN AND YOU DON'T, SO, THERE."

"Dobe, you're a fucking dumbass."

"SHUT UP, teme!"

Sakura sighed and rubbed her forehead, grimacing to herself.

She had been sitting there in her apartment, minding her own business, when suddenly Sasuke buzzed in from the bottom floor, demanding that she let him in because he had a beaten-up Naruto in tow. She had grudgingly pressed the button to allow them to come up to her room. Then, apparently, as the two were ascending the stairs (and arguing), her landlord's guests had recognized their voices and confronted them to see what the hell they were up to.

Turns out, her cheapskate landlord — a man by the name of Kakuzu — and his buddies knew Sasuke and Naruto. Hell, two of them were even related to Sasuke. So, interested, they accompanied them up to Sakura's room.

And thus was how they arrived at the current situation.

"Both of you, just shut up!" she yelled, fed up, and knocked the pair upside the head.

Naruto whined and shrunk down further into her couch, cradling the ice pack against his newest injury. Sasuke scowled at her, receiving an equally deadly glower in return. After an intense glaring contest that spanned for nearly two minutes, the Uchiha grunted in irritation and turned his face away childishly.

"Tch. You're annoying."

"Yeah? And you're ugly; I don't see that changing, either."

A few of her landlord's fuzzy buddies — a group of guys and one girl that called themselves the "Akatsuki" — snorted in amusement.

"Now, Naruto," she said calmly, looking down at the cowed blond, "explain — slowly what happened."

"M-me and Hinata-chan were talking in her room about this n-new super-cool movie," he began shakily, eyes wide and earnest. "Then Neji-teme busted in and, like, freaking punched me!"

"Naruto…" They all recognized the tell-tale female warning tone.

Except him.

"It's true!" he exclaimed. "He just barged in and hit me 'cause me and Hinata-chan—"

Insert glare, trademark of one Haruno Sakura.

"—were about to get it on!"

She sighed, shaking her head incredulously. "That sounds a bit more accurate."

"Figures," Sasuke muttered.

"Excuse me, teme!" Naruto huffed. "At least I have a girlfriend!"

Sakura eyed the youngest Uchiha as she was contemplating ripping his throat out.

"And you would, too, if you weren't a lying, cheating, whoredog."

His eye twitched.

It was common knowledge (but apparently not to the Akatsuki people, judging by the looks on their faces) that Sasuke and Sakura had dated years ago.

It was also common knowledge that he had screwed around with some bitch by the name of Karin while they were dating.

It had taken two years of glaring, insults, death threats, and half-assed apologies for them to become friends again. Naruto was still pissed about what had happened, but the three of them were as close as they'd been before.

"Are going to strangle and most likely murder each other someday?" Sakura supplied dryly, interrupting him. "Yes." She flat-out ignored the gaping looks given by the gang people and delivered Naruto her best scolding look. "Naruto, what have I told you about trying to knock up your girlfriend while in the house that her father and anal cousin live in?"

His head drooped, and he grumbled something too low for her to hear. She crossed her arms over her chest, glaring at him.

"What — you mean, like, other than 'I'm gonna kill you'?" He appeared to think deeply for a moment, his face screwing up. Then, it was as if a light bulb clicked. "Oh, yeah! When he dragged me through the house to throw me out, he started saying some shit about how I was 'idiotic scum' that wasn't good enough for his precious cousin, or whatever. Said I'd never live up to the Hyuga name, so I should just save them all the trouble and end it with Hinata-chan." He huffed, scowling at thin air. "The bastard."

"What?" Sakura hissed, the expression on her face scaring him. "He said what?"

He swallowed loudly. "H-he said—"

"I know what he said, Naruto!"

"Th-then, why did you—"

"It was rhetorical, dobe," Sasuke grunted, rolling his eyes.

Normally, Naruto would've yelled at the black-haired man for insulting him. Right now, however, was not a good time.

Not with a fuming looking-like-she-was-about-to-blow Sakura standing over him.

"That arrogant little son of a bitch!" she growled, fists clenching. "I outta tear him a new asshole!"

The blond winced as she punched a wall.

"That's coming out of your—"

Kakuzu wisely chose to silence himself when Sakura turned and glowered at him, her face screaming 'DEATH'.

"You know what this means, don't you?" she growled, cracking her knuckles and glaring at nothing in particular.

"What?" Kisame questioned, currently the bravest soul in the room.

"Time to initiate Operation: FUN."

She received an onslaught of blank looks.

"Operation…Fun?" Hidan echoed, face scrunched up in a 'this-bitch-is-crazy' expression.

"Yes. FUN. F-U-N. Fuck Up Neji."

The look on Naruto's face was priceless.

"…um, Sakura-chan, I don't—"

"His FACE, Naruto. We're going to fuck up his FACE."

"…Ooooh."

She suddenly gave an unholy smirk, the gleam in her eye scaring most of them.

"Operation: FUN, commence."

Operation: FUN

Fuck Up Neji

Written by: Haruno Sakura

o1. Gather materials.

Requirements: money (if caught), mad ninja skillz

"Dude, I seriously have a bad idea about this."

"Kisame, cease your mindless worries. Let us gather the supplies on the list and return, lest Sakura-san call and berate us for failing to follow her orders."

The freakishly-tall blue-skinned man shot his partner in crime a wry look. "You're only going along with this because you and all the rest of you Uchihas hate the Hyugas."

"Hn."

Itachi continued walking coolly, handing over a long messily-written list. Kisame frowned down at it.

"What the hell does she need half of this stuff for?" he mumbled, grimacing. "A Nerf semi-automatic rapid-fire dart blaster, a frying pan, a shopping cart, and fuzzy handcuffs? What the fuck?" His eyebrows furrowed. "And what the hell does she mean by 'obtainable through other means'?"

He looked up to find Itachi gone. He glared at nothing in particular.

"Sir, are you trying to smuggle a shopping cart out of the store?"

"Of course not."

"O-oh! Uchiha-san! I didn't even recognize you! Is—is there anything I can do for you~?" Giggle.

The blond grinned at him, going back to his binoculars. "You signed up for it, man."

"Cat In the Hat—"

"Damn it, Haruno, I hear you!" Sasori snapped.

There was a long pause.

Then:

"Cat in the—"

Grinding his teeth together angrily, he slammed down the button on his walkie-talkie and growled out his next words lowly.

"Red Fish. To Cat In The Hat. I read you."

Deidara nudged him.

His eye twitched. "OVER."

"Red Fish, are you in position? Over."

"Yes," Sasori hissed. "Over."

He and Deidara were decked out in all-black, including two streaks of black face paint on each cheek. Sasori holding the walkie-talkie. Deidara wielding binoculars, a sketch pad, and a pencil. Spying on the Hyuga house/mansion. And they were both lying amongst a thick cluster of leaves.

In a tree.

A fucking tree.

"Has the Yawning Yellow Yak completed the map? Over."

Sasori sighed and glanced over at Deidara, eyeing the box shapes he was drawing in the sketch book. "Almost done?" he demanded.

Deidara frowned, still looking through the binoculars as he sketched blindly. "Almost," he mumbled. "Give me a sec…" He paused to glance between his drawing and the binoculars a few times. After a moment, he grinned. "Got it."

"Red Fish to Cat In The Hat. Yawning Yellow Yak has finished the map. Over."

Sakura crouched behind the tree Sasori and Deidara were in, Madara at her side. Both donned solid black attire and black ski masks, and both of them clutched somewhat large duffle bags in their fists, fingers curling and uncurling impatiently. Eyeing the guard's post by the main gates nearly fifty feet away, Sakura raised the walkie-talkie to her lips.

"Cat In The Hat to Thing One. Do you read me? Over."

"Loud and clear," came Sasuke's annoyed reply. "Over."

"Position? Over."

"Position confirmed. Ready to go. Over."

Thing One and Thing Two — a certain blond-haired fellow — were hidden in another tree on the opposite side of the gates, binoculars at the ready to spot any reinforcements. Like Sasori and Deidara, they wore all black and bore black war paint on their cheeks.

Sakura clipped the walkie-talkie to the waistband of her pants and signaled with two fingers for Madara to follow her. The man gave a short nod, calling upon his awesome ninja skills to refrain from making a sound. As they approached the guards' post, pausing a few times when the two guards looked around suspiciously, she motioned for him to circle around and come from the other side. He slipped away, blending in with the shadows. She pulled out her super-secret weapon and slowly crept up to the closest of the two. His back was turned to her, and she saw her chance.

She clocked him over the head with a frying pan.

The guard crumpled to the ground, out like a light. The second guard whipped around immediately, going for some form of weapon that she couldn't see on his belt. He froze as the muzzle of a very large gun was pressed against his back.

"Drop it."

Sakura grinned widely behind her mask, mentally congratulating Madara for his badass moves. The guard slowly reached for what appeared to be a night stick and let it fall to the ground.

"The radio, too," the Uchiha said calmly, spotting a walkie-talkie on his belt. Grudgingly, the guard set it in the grass. "Now, kick them away." As soon as the man did as he was told, Madara Taser-ed him.

The man fell like a brick, twitching and groaning in a heap on the ground. Madara frowned, putting away the Nerf gun he'd been holding to his back.

"I don't think he is unconscious."

Sakura bashed the man upside the head with her frying pan.

"Now he is." She could practically feel his smirk as she checked inside the tiny building beside the gates. "As I thought."

Madara poked his head in to investigate. The small room contained only a wall-sized desk packed with monitors displaying different areas around the compound, two computer chairs, dozens of messy papers, a half-empty box of doughnuts, and two Styrofoam cups of coffee.

"This is where they watch the grounds and house with cameras," Sakura explained. "There'll be no one here to see us, no, so we're good." She glanced at Madara. "Do you have the sleeping bags?"

He smirked and produced two black sleeping bags from his duffle bag. With a nod, she led the way out of the guards' post and back to the two men they'd knocked out. They carefully duct taped their wrists and ankles together, unzipped the sleeping bags, slid each guard into one, then dragged them into the bushes. Madara took an extra moment to make sure the men were hidden before joining Sakura at the gates and following her lead in throwing his duffle bag over. The girl gripped the black bars and heaved herself upward, making it a couple feet up before gasping slightly when her foot slipped. He caught her by the waist and steadied her, fingers remaining sturdy until she had successfully pulled herself up and over the gate.

"When did you become such the accomplished trespasser?" Madara teased as she dropped to the ground on the other side, following her over.

He eyed the front door warily. "Did you also take Breaking-And-Entering 101? Because I doubt the Hyugas left their front door unlocked."

Sakura pulled off her ski mask and flashed him a smile. "Of course." She unclipped the walkie-talkie from her waistband as he removed his own mask. "Cat In The Hat to Thing One. Position retained? Over."

"Thing One to Cat In The Hat. Position still confirmed. Over."

"Cat In The Hat to Red Fish. Is Yawning Yellow Yak at the ready? Over."

"Red Fish to Cat In The Hat. Confirmed. Over."

"Cat In The Hat to Yawning Yellow Yak. Locate the Grinch; don't let him out of your sight. Over."

"Copy that. Over."

Deidara held up his binoculars, searching every window for a glimpse of the Hyuga.

"Saku— er, Cat In The Hat, this is… Teme, what am I?"

"You're Thing Two, dobe."

"Oh, right! Uh, Cat In The Hat, this is Thing Two. Are we gonna get Hin— um, Little Cindy Who out?"

"Sam I Am to Cat In The Hat," came Kakuzu's voice. "We are at the southern wall, awaiting your orders. Over."

She nodded firmly to herself. "All teams, hold your positions. Maintain radio silence unless there's an emergency. If teams needs to contact one another, switch to channel seven. Over and out."

Sakura turned down the volume of her walkie-talkie just in case and clipped it to her hip once more. The last thing she and Madara needed was for Naruto to radio them while they were sneaking past a bedroom. After a quick glance around, the pair darted up to the front door and crouched down. The Uchiha clicked a flashlight to life as his partner pulled out the map Deidara had drawn of the house.

"Alright," she whispered, studying the notes scribbled in each box-shaped room. Some of it was incomplete — Deidara couldn't see everything through windows with a pair of binoculars, after all, even if there was a damn lot of windows. It was good enough, though. She tapped a place on the map and ran her finger along the paper. "When we go in, there'll be a hallway on our immediate right. Down that hall, the third door on the right, Dei says is a bathroom." She folded up the map and stuck it in her back pocket, retrieving a lock pick. "We'll go there first."

Madara, watching with approving amusement as she expertly picked the lock. Slowly, cautiously, she pushed the door open and poked her head inside. The coast was clear. She signaled for Madara to follow, then quietly slipped into the house. He tailed after and closed the door carefully behind himself.

The interior of the house-mansion-thing was decked out in whites and off-whites. Their all-black attire and her pale pink hair stood out painfully. Luckily, however, there was no one around to see. They quickly crept down the hallway to their right, counting the doors. Sakura peered inside the bathroom.

Empty.

Good.

She stepped inside and flattened herself against the wall to allow Madara to follow. Once in, he gently pulled the door closed. The lights were out, and the moonless night streaming in through the window only served to make it darker. Without so much as glancing at one another, they turned their backs and began stripping.

"Your lack of discomfort with the current situation surprises me," Madara remarked quietly, tugging his shirt over his head.

"Yeah," Sakura muttered, shimmying out of her black jeans. "Well, you're not looking, so it doesn't really bother me."

He grunted in amusement, balancing on one foot to pull a shoe off. "You are an interesting girl. My cousin is truly a fool for what he did to you." She shrugged, bending over to grab her new clothes now that she was down to only her undergarments. "Not all Uchiha are as ignorant as him," he continued over his shoulder, successfully removing his other shoe. "Despite the impression you may have received, most of us are quite polite. And educated." Sakura snorted. "In fact, to prove it to you, I should like to accompany you to dinner when this is all over."

Sakura paused, thrown for a loop. She turned to face him incredulously, the stupid maid dress she had to wear clutched to her chest to cover herself. Sensing her movement, he turned as well, pants on but shirt and jacket in hand.

"I met you maybe two hours ago," she said in disbelief. "Now you're asking me on a date?"

He gave a smirk, crossing his arms over his (naked) chest. "I gave you my reasons," he agreed in amusement.

Sakura sighed, shaking her head and turning her back on him again. "Fine. But if you screw it up, I'll hate Uchihas forever. All Uchihas."

"Very well," he murmured, chuckling as he turned to give her some privacy. "With my family honor on the line, I can promise you that you will not be disappointed."

He raised his arms above his head to tug the shirt on, much too lazy to slip in on and redo all the buttons. Sakura laughed as he slid into and buttoned up his butler jacket.

"Cocky, are we?" she teased, dress on and hands on her hips, facing him again. He turned to look at her, amused by the way her tomboyish stance and attitude directly contradicted her feminine attire. "Save the flattering for later," she laughed, pulling on an uncomfortable-looking blond wig. "We have to pose as a maid and a butler right now."

Madara smirked, then grimaced as he donned his own rather itchy brown wig. She took his flashlight and clicked it on and off at the window twice.

A very confused-looked Hyuga Hatori frowned as a rather odd pair — a maid and a butler, it seemed — walked past him. He blinked, scratching his head as they sent him blank looks and scurried past.

Why did Hiashi always have to hire the weird ones?

He sighed and continued along his way, shaking his head incredulously.

Sakura glanced discreetly over her shoulder, nodding to Madara when she saw that the Hyuga had gone. They hurried down the hallway, then turned down another, counting doors.

"Five…six…seven…eight."

The pair paused outside of a door on their left and exchanged a meaningful look. The girl tried the doorknob. It was locked.

"H-hello?"

They tensed. The voice came from inside the room; it belonged to Hinata. Sakura swallowed and pitched her voice higher and gentler than usual.

"Hyuga-sama, we've come to change your sheets."

"O-oh…um, Otou-san has locked my door. If you need to come in, you'll have to g-get a key…"

"Oh, no worry," the happy-go-lucky sounding Sakura chirped. "I've got one right here." She picked the lock. Madara smirked. "We're coming in Hyuga-sama; are you decent?"

"Y-yes."

Sakura pushed the door open, quickly shutting the door behind Madara, to Hinata's surprise. The poor girl stared at them with wide eyes.

"S-Sakura-chan?" she stammered, face going pink. "Wh-what are you—"

"Forgive me, Hinata," the normally pink-haired girl said, pulling out something from behind her back. They'd left their duffle bags in a hall closet so as not to draw suspicion. "But I have to do this. It's for your own good."

Hinata took one look at the thing Sakura held out in her face — an exclusive signed copy of Icha IchaParadise she'd managed to convince her former history teacher, Kakashi, to lend her — and flat-out fainted. Madara lunged forward to catch the girl before she bashed her head on a side table, sighed quietly.

"So, this is why you needed the book."

Sakura gave an unholy smile. "Yep. Plus I want to read it."

He chuckled, shaking his head incredulously as he rose to his feet, carrying Hinata bridal-style. "You are an interesting girl, indeed."

She made a shooing motion at him, pulling open the window in Hinata's room. "Go. Take her to Sam I Am and his team. I'll radio Yawning Yellow Yak to confirm the Grinch's position."

The amusement was evident on the man's face as he carefully maneuvered the Hyuga and himself out the window, landing on his feet outside. Sakura followed him out, shutting the window behind her, and pulled out her walkie-talkie as Madara went off to do as she'd said. She turned the volume back up to normal level.

As Madara approached the south wall of the compound, he spotted Hidan and Kakuzu up in a tree, the latter holding a pair of binoculars and a walkie-talkie. He said something that the Uchiha couldn't make out, and moments later, Kisame joined them up in the tree. Together, the blue-skinned man and Hidan lowered a lawn chair tied up with chains onto Madara's side of the wall. The links were wrapped around the back, sides, and bottom on the chair multiple times, firmly tied to one of the arms to hold it in place. He nearly snorted.

"Put the girl in the chair," Kakuzu instructed as he drew within hearing distance. "They will pull her up and over the wall; the others are waiting below to secure her."

Madara felt his lips curving into a smirk as he did so, watching to make sure they didn't drop Hinata. She had it all planned out. He waited a moment after she disappeared on the other side. Kakuzu followed the poor girl with his eyes until Itachi, Pein, and Konan pulled her from the chair safely.

"She's secure."

Madara gave a firm nod and jogged back to where he'd left Sakura.

o5. Locate target.

Requirements: all-black clothes, binoculars, walkie-talkie

"Yawning Yellow Yak, has the Grinch's position been confirmed? Over."

"Yeah. Are you still at Cindy Who's room? Over."

"Positive. Over."

"When you leave the room, go left. He's in the third room on the left side of the hall. Over."

"Over and out."

Sakura turned the volume back down and waited patiently for Madara's return. When she spotted him only moments later, she opened the window and began climbing inside. He followed.

Hyuga Hatori shook his head and rubbed his eyes as the strange pair from before passed him. Again. He frowned, watching them. They seemed to glare at him as they walked by, scaring the poor man.

That was when he decided that maybe going back to his room and staying there for the rest of the night was a pretty good idea.

The first thing Sakura and Madara noticed as they approached Neji's room was the older Hyuga man standing by the door, attempting angrily to open it.

"Neji, unlock this door," the man growled. They recognized him as Hiashi Hyuga — Hinata's father and Neji's uncle. No reply came from inside the room. They were arguing about something, it seemed.

And that was when Deidara chose to radio them.

"Careful on your way to the Grinch's room. His uncle is standing right outside and — oh…" He apparently recognized them in their disguises, standing only twenty or so feet away from Hiashi. "Um…" They received no further reply.

Hiashi eyed them warily, having heard the message. "Who are you?" he demanded, studying their outfits. Before Sakura could give the names she and Madara had agreed on, he spoke again. "I don't remember hiring either of you. What are you doing in my house?"

He didn't sound happy.

Sakura swore under her breath.

Alright, they'd just have to knock the man out as quietly as possible —

"Hiashi? What's going on?"

Apparently, half the Hyuga family had been listening to him bitching his nephew out. And now they knew that there were intruders in the house. And they were coming this way.

Fuck.

Sakura and Madara turned tail and fled in the other direction, grimacing as they heard Hiashi call for security. They wove through four or so hallways before the Uchiha suddenly grabbed her arm and dove into a hall closet, quickly shutting the door behind them. They held their breath as, a moment later, they heard the sound of five or six sets of footsteps rushing past. They waited for a long moment.

Nothing.

Sakura slumped back against her partner in relief. "I'm going to kill Deidara," she whispered so quietly that he almost didn't hear. He chuckled at the venom in her tone.

She shifted her feet to turn to the door, surprised to find it caught on something. She looked down and found their duffle bags. Ah. So, that was how Madara had known they'd be safe there; he'd remembered it as the closet they'd stored their bags in. She picked them both up and handed one to him, cracking the door open and peering out into the hallway.

No sign of anyone.

Breathing a sigh of relief, she crept out and closed the door as Madara followed her. They shuffled down the hall silently in the direction of Neji's room, not quite running. Sakura was forced to count doors when they reached his hall once more.

Hinata's is the eighth, and his is three down further. So that make's his the eleventh.

Thankfully, Hiashi was no longer there. Probably off searching for them and a shot gun, or something. Sakura tried the door.

Still locked.

"Hyuga-sama?" she called, pitching her voice higher again.

"What?" snapped an irritated voice from inside.

Oh, yeah. Definitely the Grinch.

"We've come to change your sheets."

"They were changed this morning," he growled.

Sakura paused, exchanging a frown with Madara. Damn. That wasn't part of the plan.

"Are you sure?" she chanced.

There was silence inside the room.

Then, the sound of the door unlocking.

It opened, and there stood Hyuga Neji, glaring at them suspiciously.

"Who—"

Sakura decked him.

He went down like a sack of potatoes. Madara caught him reluctantly, not wanting the sound to alert anyone. They glanced around, then dragged him into the room, accidentally — or not — banging his head against the door frame before shutting the door.

Quickly and quietly, Madara unzipped his duffle bag and pulled out supplies, handing them to Sakura one-by-one. She duct taped his wrists and ankles together and tied a bandana over his eyes. Smirking to herself and earning a chuckle from her partner, she stuffed an old pair of black socks into the Hyuga's mouth before duct taping it closed.

"I didn't get to use my frying pan or the Taser on you, you asshole," she whispered to the unconscious man, frowning. "You just had to be stubborn and lock your door." Oh, well. At least she got to punch him.

Sakura smiled. "I stuffed an old pair of Naruto's socks in his mouth and duct taped it closed. So even if he does wake up, the stench and taste will knock him back out."

"Come on, Sakura-chan! My socks aren't that bad!"

Sasuke snorted.

Their entire group had joined back up, all of them decked-out in all-black — except Sakura and Madara, who were both still in costume but without the wigs. Hinata had been dropped off at Sakura's apartment and placed on her bed. Neji had been zipped up in a black sleeping bag and thrown into a shopping cart, which they were now pushing down the street. The metal beast made a lot of noise, and it surely wasn't providing a very smooth ride. Despite that, Neji had yet to—

Their eyes were all drawn to the sleeping bag as it growled and thrashed. A second later, it froze, groaned in what sounded like agony, then lay still.

"Told you." Naruto went bright red. "Sasuke, which house is it?"

The youngest Uchiha grimaced, eyeing a familiar building distastefully. "That one," he grunted, nodding to a large white house.

Sakura glared as she spotted the name on the mailbox. Hebi.

Home of their creepy former biology teacher, Orochimaru, his freaky "assistant," Kabuto, and his adopted children — Zaku, Dosu, Kin, Suigetsu, Juugo, and, most importantly, Karin.

Sasuke knew that house well. He still had nightmares about it.

He led the way around the house and to the back yard, reaching his hand over the gate to unlatch it. They all filed in silently, casting cautious looks at the dark house. Kisame and Hidan heaved Neji out of the shopping cart and unzipped the sleeping bag. The Hyuga's face was contorted in pain despite being unconscious and the corners of his eyes were wet, as if he'd smelled something absolutely horrendous. A black eye was beginning to form from where Sakura had punched him.

"Ne, Sakura-chan," Naruto spoke up, seeing the black eye. "I thought we were gonna, like, fuck up his face. Isn't that the name of the plan?"

She shrugged. "I came up with something better. But, hey — I still decked him."

She produced a number of items from her duffle bag and tossed a large, gray, deflated thing at Sasori.

"Blow that up," she instructed. He glared at her but did as she said. (This woman was damn scary, after all.) "Alright. Somebody strip him."

Sakura sighed in irritation, earning a few glowers. "You guys are such chickens."

"Then why don't you do it?" Hidan growled. She glared right back.

"Fine."

She dropped to her knees beside the Hyuga, muttering under her breath about always having to do everything. Without so much as batting an eye, removed the duct tape from his wrists and ankles and yanked his shirt over his head. A few of them choked.

"You're actually gonna do it?" Naruto squeaked, wide-eyed.

Sakura glared, tugging off one of Neji's socks. He wasn't wearing shoes. "Since none of you pansies are doing it."

"But you're a girl," Deidara sputtered.

She shot him a flat look. "Thank you so much for explaining that to me. Now I can finally move on with my life." She pulled off his other sock.

"What are you—"

Konan was cut off as the girl undid the button on his pants and yanked them down. A collective gasp sounded.

"Sakura-chan!" Naruto choked out, blushing massively. "Th-that's—"

"Good lord, you crybabies," she hissed, standing. "Was that so fucking hard?" She glared at Sasori. "Is it blown up?"

He grunted, getting Deidara to help him move the twin-sized air mattress in front of her. She dragged Neji onto the mattress, pushing his arms up over his head.

"Am I going to have to do this on my own, too?" she demanded, holding up a grass skirt and a coconut bra.

Cue a collective "PFFT" as many of them tried not to laugh. Sakura rolled her eyes and dropped to the ground again. Madara helpfully lifted the Hyuga as she pulled the grass skirt up and around his waist, then clipped the coconut bra on behind his back. She latched on a pair of fuzzy handcuffs, to a few of their concerns, and duct taped the chain of said handcuffs to the air mattress to secure him in place. After duct taping his ankles down to the mattress, removing the bandana from his eyes, pulling off the tape from his mouth, taking out the socks, and smearing lipstick all over his face, she stood to admire her work.

Perfect.

It was becoming increasingly harder not to laugh, lest they wake up the "family".

Madara, Kisame, and Hidan helped her carry the Hyuga to the large pool and place him on the water. Before pushing him off to float in the center of the pool, Sakura pulled out a yellow glove and slapped him across the face. He flinched, groaning and grimacing. When he finally cracked his eyes open (why was one of them throbbing?), he found Sakura chucking a rock up at a window, wearing a maid outfit.

What the fuck?

Who were the other people over there? What were they —

…why was there a draft?

And where was he?

And —

…

…

…why the fuck was he wearing a coconut bra, a grass skirt, and fuzzy handcuffs? And what was he doing on an air mattress in the middle of a —

"Who's there? !"

He paled considerably.

Oh, no.

No.

It couldn't be.

His worst fears were confirmed as Sakura smirked at him, waved her fingers, and sped off with her henchmen. The back door of the house flew open, revealing a certain pissed-off, creepy, hissing, high school biology teacher.