How do I describe this blog?
A line from "Old School" with a minor tweak.
"My friends, this is a safe place. A place where we can feel free sharing our feelings. Think of my blog as a nest in a tree of trust and understanding. We can say anything here."

Friday, October 31, 2014

“It is good to have an end to journey toward; but it is the journey that matters, in the end.” – Ernest Hemingway

The journey ends today as my book has been officially released into the wild.It’s been a long road to get to this point with numerous ups and downs but Big Ern pretty much summed it up best as I have learned a lot during this journey. The most important takeaway from this excursion is that I have an amazing network of family and friends, and your support, generosity and all-around awesomeness makes me grateful that I have you in my life. Thank you for everything and I will be forever in your debt for helping make one of my dreams come true. Where I go from here is a mystery but I do look forward to a new set of adventures. And for those of you still chasing your dreams – since we are on a journey theme – don’t stop believing.

Thursday, October 30, 2014

“I laughed so hard sitting on the airplane this morning on my flight from Boise to San Jose! I was crying from laughing too hard! People next to me, behind me, and in front of me kept looking as I had tears rolling down my facial cheeks!” -- Kent Whittig

My book will make you laugh and they say laughter is the best medicine. Unless you have diarrhea. Then you probably should wait on buying my book.

Wednesday, October 29, 2014

I have been so wrapped promoting my book that I forget that Halloween is this Friday. Sweet sassy molassey, this month has flown by. The kiddos went to a Halloween party at Kyle's school and I proudly present The Shifley's Halloween 2014 edition:

Kyle is the Red Power Ranger and Hayden is The Incredible Hulk, and please note that Hayden accessorized her costume with her favorite pink boots. I'm still not sure what they are going to be on the actual day of Halloween as they seem to change their minds on their costumes about as often as political candidates run ads these days. Thanks for stopping by.

Tuesday, October 28, 2014

This is a picture of my grandma reading my book.She's reading the story about how my mom almost killed her.(It's on page 41 for those of you who have the book or you visit this link.) I know it doesn't sound like an amusing topic but trust me it's pretty funny. My grandma almost died and she's still laughing about.

Thursday, October 23, 2014

Alright this one's for my friend Amy Mulligan.You know those Snickers commercials where they say you aren't yourself when you are hungry. Then they have a Snickers and boom … all is well again.Well here's my commercial idea for AdvoCare Spark: You aren't yourself when you have the kids. Then you drink a Spark and boom … all is well again because your mental energy and focus has been restored.

There are some days when I feel like the little germ farmers have completely erased my mind because I do stuff like trying to put both contact lenses in one eye or send Kyle to school wearing his sister’s sweat pants or walk the dog with pine needles in my underwear and have no idea why my butt was so damn itchy during the entire walk (don’t even ask because I have no idea how they got in there but they did.) Amy was kind enough to send me some Spark samples and I felt like I had it together for the first time in a long time when I was with my kiddos. This stuff is awesome. Thank you Amy.

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Congrats to Jerry Barnett for winning Contest #3. Now we are down to the last giveaway. All you have to do is tell me something that is your favorite. Your favorite movie, book, quote, yoga position, Star Wars character, dog, cat, band, book, alcoholic beverage, planet, state, country, sandwich, university in Iowa, hand sanitizer, Seinfeld episode or breath mint. I think you get the idea. Please let me know your favorite with a comment. Thanks.I'll get things started with my favorite shitty movie, "Sorority Boys."

"Well, uh, my name is Roberta, and … I'm addicted to porn and I masturbate constantly."

Roberta is the redhead and the movie is about 3 fraternity guys who are kicked out of their house and dress up in drag to live in a sorority called the DOG house. Yes it's as bad as it sounds but it makes me laugh like an idiot.

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

Where In The World Is My Book Today? Well there have been sightings in Missouri, North Dakota, Texas, Indiana and Florida. So awesome. My book also was also spotted again in Washington and Idaho. I would like to think my book being in Moscow helped the Idaho Vandals get their first win of the season. And regarding the Halloween costume picture, well my friend Michelle said, "I'm more excited to read my friend's new book "Confessions of a Dumb, White Guy," than this guy is to wear his Light-Up Stick Figure costume." Thank you Jay, Bob, Cara, Stephanie, Noelle, Wendy, Michelle and Kden for sharing.

Monday, October 20, 2014

After following my blog for a little bit, someone sent me an email a few years ago suggesting that I should write a book. I laughed it off and basically said, "Thanks for the suggestion but I don't think so." However, it did plant a seed and eventually led me to where I am at today. Writing and sharing my book with the world has been a dream of mine since I was kid in high school but it was just that -- a dream. A dream I didn't think was possible but looking back I realized the only thing ever stopping me was me. The process wasn't always easy or fun but it has been worth it. Having people read my book and share their feedback with me has exceeded my wildest expectations. I don't know if you have a dream that you want to pursue but do it. I'm here telling you to please follow your dreams and make them a reality. Turn those can'ts into cans before it's too late. Thanks for listening and thank you so much for support.

Sunday, October 19, 2014

Hello there. How's your Sunday going? Mine's going pretty good. Thanks for asking. I do that a lot. Assume that you ask how I'm doing. I have no idea where I picked it up. I'm guessing some '80s movie where the main character was some smart ass. My sense of humor was heavily influenced by those movies. Fletch, Stripes & Ferris Bueller's Day Off come to mind. Well enough of that. Some of you might be wondering why I wrote this book and some of the obstacles I faced getting it off the ground. Well if you were indeed wondering that, then you can read all about it as my book's "Introduction" is available for free right here, http://goo.gl/hG0UBE. You might get a few chuckles out of it and we all could use some of that these days. It also gives you an idea of how my book is structured as it's just not a bunch of my favorite blog posts. There's actually some rhyme and reason to the book. Thanks and enjoy the rest of your day.And here's another "interesting" person I found on the Internet.

Saturday, October 18, 2014

So how's your weekend going?
Mine. Not too bad.
Thanks for asking.
I'm not going to share my FB update here today because it's just another reminder about my book signing party and the last time I checked all of my wonderful blogging friends that I visit with on a regular basis don't live near me so I didn't want to bore you with those details again.
Instead, I can bore you with some updates on my book.
Things are going real well.
It has made it's way to some people after I mailed out copies earlier this week and I'm getting a lot of good feedback. I've also sold way more than I expected and to a lot of unexpected people.
I've made 3 trips to the post office and Hayden has gone with me twice. We had the same lady help us both times Hayden was with me and the gal thinks Hayden is awesome. They just chat it up and I just look in awe at my wonderful baby girl. She's such a blessing.
Well that's all for today.
Hope all is well.
Thanks for stopping by.
And here's a picture of my Russian friend.
He's helping me promote my book signing party.
I told people to be there or go out with the love child of Susan Boyle and a bear.

Friday, October 17, 2014

Where In The World Is My Book Today or WITWIMBT?Well it watched the Giants win the NL pennant (not very happy about that since I'm a Cardinals fan), it met Ken Griffey Jr. (I always knew he was a big fan), it made it's way to the west side of Washington state (nice job USPS) and it's hanging out in NoCal (Californ-i-aye). Thank you Chad, Jessie, Anon, Diana, and Dana.

Thursday, October 16, 2014

I think my book is swell but don't just take my word for it. Below are some reviews from people who have already read my book. So if you like to laugh and are into good causes you might like it. A portion of my sales will benefit the Utah Friends of Basset Hounds and the Idaho Veterans Network. I have included a picture of the possible theme for my book signing party. What do you think? Thanks for stopping by.

“If you are ever having a bad day, you just grab this, read a chapter, and life is good again. Laugh out loud hysterical.“

“I just got done reading the introduction to your book. Holy crap...my stomach hurts from laughing at that. How in the hell do I get through your entire book?????? I am not sure, but I am going to give it my best shot!”

“You won't be disappointed with this one and it will keep you very entertained.”

“Overall, a great piece that EVERYONE can relate to in one way or another. Well done.”

“Quirky, non-stop hilarious and profoundly humble life adventures!”

“Matt's sense of humor is always unexpected, deeply funny and he has a gift for it.”

“Oh. My. F***ing. God. Laughing SO hard right now”

“This book is hilarious, heart-warming, and endearing. The author is genuine and shares his flops, foibles, and freak outs being a stay-at-home dad in a really funny way but he also opens his heart sharing his losses and loves.”

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Contest #2 is done and congrats to Cher Campbell Sherwood for correctly guessing I saw my favorite movie “The Big Lebowski” 22 times. For the next contest, I’m going to make it easy on you, just tell me how we met. High school? College? Work? Blogging? Hitchhiking to Canada? A My Little Pony message board? Back waxing convention? Rae Dawn Chong Film Festival? Let me know and then I’ll have Kyle pick a number between 1 and hopefully 1,000 answers for the next winner. Contest ends 10/21. Good luck and the winner gets an autographed copy of my book and a very, very special bookmark.So that is my latest giveaway on Facebook but all of you wonderful blogging friends, well I know I how I met you, blogging. But how did our paths cross on the Internet? DId I find your blog and just leave comments or vice versa? Or do we have a mutual blogging friend? Refresh my memory because I would to remember. Thanks.And here's a weird picture for no reason at all. =)

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Proud poppa moment. Kyle noticed that I was getting copies of my book ready to mail this past weekend. He decided to write his own book to his best buddy Jack and packaged it all up with a nice note to his friend. I love my son. He is awesome.

Monday, October 13, 2014

And the first shipment is ready to go. Thank you, thank you and thank you to each and everyone of you who have helped make a dream of mine come true. This is so awesome. Did I say thank you yet? I am feeling pretty grateful.

Friday, October 10, 2014

I used to do this thing on my blog called Gimme 7 and it was a lot of fun. I don't do it anymore because I'm not allowed to have fun because I'm a responsible adult raising 2 children. =) Anyway I would list 7 things and ask people to give me their 7. Below is one that I did back in 2005. Can you believe that is almost 10 years ago? Damn I'm getting old. And since Halloween isn't too far away I have included a photo of a costume idea. What do you think? Enjoy your Friday.

7 things that attract me to the opposite sex
1) Huge boobs. Oh wait, my wife might read this. Ummm, great personality.
2) She lets me have sex with her.
3) She speaks little or no English, but still lets me have sex with her.
4) She is really good looking, but she still lets me have sex with her.
5) She knows that that I am a dumb, white guy, but she still lets me have sex with her.
6) She lets me have sex with her more than once.
7) My wife reads my blog and knows that I am just kidding about the previous 6 entries.

7 things I say most often
1) Holy Crap!
2) Would you like to Super Size that?
3) Do these pants make my ass look fat?
4) How much extra for the midget?
5) Someone shit on or near the coats.
6) Seriously, I can't believe how big my penis is.
7) I'll have the salad and a glass of your finest Chardonnay.

Thursday, October 09, 2014

How about a video today? Here’s a short & sweet trailer about my book with actual reviews that people have left me at Amazon. The $2.99 price is for the electronic version at Amazon. And if you pause the video at about the 12-second mark you will see a reference to Bea Arthur naked and the movie “Top Gun.” I think it’s safe to say that those two things haven’t shared space on the same page often. Maybe ever.Thanks for your support.

Wednesday, October 08, 2014

So my FB update for the morning is below, and I owe all of my blogging friends a big apology. I just feel like I'm mailing it in because I'm just copying and pasting my Facebook updates from there to here. I'm sorry about that. My worlds are colliding. Thanks to each and everyone of you who stops by because without you I wouldn't be doing this. Have a great Wednesday and I'm grateful for your support.Good morning family & friends. Are you sick of me yet? Happy Shifetober 8th and you know what that means: Who won the first contest? The winner of the first giveaway is … drum roll please … Keven Marion who correctly guessed 83. Nice work Mr. Marion. Yes for the love of fat bassets, 83 times the word basset is mentioned in my book. Your special prize will be in the mail soon. Here’s Contest #2 and this one ends Shifetober 15th: What is my favorite movie and how many times I have seen it? This should be an easy one for a lot of my blogging friends but the tricky part will be guessing how many viewings. Maybe there's a clue in the photo I added. Maybe not. Good luck.

Tuesday, October 07, 2014

I feel extremely fortunate for the life I have and that’s why I am paying it forward with a portion of my book sales. A cause near and dear to my heart is the military. I was born on a military base, I was a military brat, my dad is retired USAF, my father-in-law is retired from the Air National Guard, I served in the U.S. Navy, and I have lots of family and friends who have spent time in the military. Unfortunately, some of our military men and women need help, and, in my honest and humble opinion, there isn't enough being done to get them that assistance. Fortunately, organizations like the Idaho Veterans Network (http://www.idahoveteransnetwork.org) are doing their best to help these men and women and so that’s why I will be donating a portion of my book sales to them.

Thank you for stepping forward when others step back.
Thank you for placing yourself between us and danger.
Thank you for delaying plans for college, marriage, and other opportunities and choosing to serve.
Thank you for braving the unspeakable horrors of war.
Thank you for sacrificing time with your families and missing those significant milestones the rest of us take for granted.
Thank you to your spouses who find themselves living nomadic lives, often far away from the support of loved ones.
Thank you to your children who accept your absence as a way of life and understand they share you with a nation and sometimes the world.
Thank you to your parents who have nothing but prayers to protect you and must now trust you will be safe and that we will offer the best we have to you.
Thank you for continuing to support your country once you leave military service by following new careers and becoming the teachers, clergy, business owners, employees, pilots, civil servants and so much more that we need to be a successful society.
Thank you for involving yourself in your local community, your state, and your country, helping us to solve problems and to create a vision for our future using the skills you learned during your tour of duty.
Thank you for being a conscience to our nation.
Thank you for serving as a heroic example of who we are and what we can dream to be.
Thank you for your service.
-- Written by Cathy Maxwell

Monday, October 06, 2014

My first batch of books will arrive on October 14. Would you like an autographed copy? There are a limited number available because I wasn’t sure how many people would want an autographed copy so I didn’t order too many. Plus, I need a few at my book signing party because from what I hear books are important to have on hand at a book signing party. If you would like the autographed version, please visit PayPal, send $10 to mrshife@yahoo.com, leave your address in the notes section, and I will mail you your book during the week of the 14th. If you would like to send me a check, then send me a message at mshifley@gmail.com and I will give you my address.Sound good?Good.Thanks once again for your support.Hope Monday treats you well.

Sunday, October 05, 2014

You are cordially invited to my house for the official Confessions Of A Dumb, White Guy: Tales About Life, Love And The Risks Of Wearing White Thong Underwear book signing party on Oct. 25. I live in Boise so I understand for some of you this might be logistically problematic but nonetheless know that you are welcome to swing by if you can make it happen. There will be food, music, laughs, and good times. If you would like to imbibe, well you are more than welcome, but please bring your own because it’s just a lot easier that way. If you need directions to my house just send me a text, a DM, or just ask, otherwise I hope to see you there.

Saturday, October 04, 2014

Hello there. How's your weekend going? Mine. Not too shabby. Thanks for asking.Today I'm going to include an excerpt from Chapter 3, The Trials and Tribulations of a Rookie Dad. Hope you like it.

“Well, I was feeding my son and things were going well. He had a nice rhythm going and was just about done when his dad – that's me Mr. Shife – farted something fierce. It was bad. The fat basset howled, the neighborhood cat went blind, squirrels threw nuts at our house, the postman only rang once, and gay men quit buying Barbra Streisand albums (Do gay men still like Streisand?). It was that bad. Anyway, I tried not to gag when the little man coughed and choked. I had to pull the bottle out so he could breathe but kept coughing and choking because he just got big taste of Dad's ass sandwich. Poor kid almost starting bawling right on the spot. Eventually, the brown fog lifted and all was right in the Shifley household. Except for the underwear I was wearing. I had to burn those bastards.”

Friday, October 03, 2014

Happy Friday to you and some more of me marketing my book. Do you hate me yet? Anyway here's a list of the chapters from the book. What do you think? Which one sounds more interesting to you? Thanks for your support. Have a great day.

Thursday, October 02, 2014

So do you know what happened on Jan. 25? Well in 1840 an American naval expedition under Charles Wilkes became the first to identify Antarctica as a new continent, in 1924 the 1st Winter Olympic games opened in Chamonix, France, in 1945 Grand Rapids, Michigan become the 1st US city to fluoridate its water, in 1964 the Beatles had their 1st US #1, "I Want to Hold your Hand", in 1998 Spice Girl Victoria Adams (Posh) and soccer player David Beckham got engaged, and in 2005 Confessions Of A Dumb, White Guy launched.I’m almost embarrassed to share my first-ever blog post but this is coming from a guy who shares stuff like sharting my pants. Yep that’s in the book. So the first post was about dog unemployment rate and the link is right here, http://www.mrshife.com/2005/01/dog-unemployment-rate.htmlOriginally I was just going to write about my adventures with my basset hound Quincy. It turns out a middle-aged basset hound isn’t that adventurous and thus my blog morphed into other stuff like writing about sharting my pants.Enjoy your Thursday, thank you for your support, and if you haven’t entered my contest to win an autographed copy of my book with a very, very special bookmark then do it. The details are on the Shifetober 1st post.

P.S. Some of you are friends with me on FB so I know there are worlds colliding and the updates are the same so I apologize for that but I'm only a man not a machine. Thank you for understanding.

Wednesday, October 01, 2014

Good morning everybody. Happy October or as I am going to call it - and feel free to join in - Shifetober. In an effort to drive you crazy, I'm going to blog every day of this month to promote my book. Hopefully you'll enjoy the ride. Today is a contest and the winner receives an autographed copy of my book plus a very, very special bookmark. Trust me this bookmark is awesome. There will be 4 contests and Contest #1 starts today and ends Shifetober 8th. So here's the question: How many times is the word basset mentioned in my book? I'll give you a hint it's more than once. The person who comes closest wins the big prize. Good luck and thank you for your support.

"He talks about me a lot in his book because well I'm awesome and pretty darn handsome so I got that going for me, which is nice," says Tank dog.