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"People in our culture have a morbid tendency to avoid blame, because they do not wish to take the trouble to change their conduct in any way: blame-avoidance and blame-transference are therefore endemic amongst us. These are substitutes for repentance and renewal."

BEHAVIOR RESEARCH PROJECT (Texas) 1951

"Man sacrifices his health in order to make money. Then he sacrifices money to recuperate his health. And then he is so anxious about the future that he does not enjoy the present; the result being that he does not live in the present or the future; he lives as if he is never going to die, and then dies having never really lived."

Humans, we recently became aware that one or more of your number published a plea that you no longer refer to solitary mass murderers as "lone wolves".While we wolves have not seen this publication and therefore cannot give it due credit, we, the wolves, wish to enhance the theme with information and thoughts by which you, with your self declared intellectual superiority might benefit.

First, we remind you that you are animals.Oh? Think not? What are you then, plants? Stones? We find it curious that an animal which bristles at being called an animal uses so many comparisons to other animals.You say someone eats like a pig, is stubborn as a mule, reproduces like rabbits, and drinks like a fish. Yet you say someone is brave as a lion, has a memory like an elephant, is agile as a mountain goat, sly as a fox, wise as an owl, and noble as an eagle. Even one of your classic civilizations credited us. Remember the legend of the two infant brothers raised by one of our female wolves? Of course, when the boys grew up Romulus murdered Remus and went on to found Rome. We suspect we should have seen that coming.But doubtless you can think of more examples.

Second, as animals you, like any other species of plant or animal exist only through the relationship you have with your environment.Sure, you have developed endless technology to intervene between you and the normal variations and processes in "nature".But in truth, you are the Apex Invasive Species, you are the Apex Predator on this planet.You have spread your teeming masses to every livable continent on this planet, despoiling everywhere including Antarctica.Your "pesticides" are found in the body fat of almost every species no matter where they are.You claim to need these pesticides to assure your crops. Yet every year you throw out millions of tons of food before it ever reaches the market. Why? It's not aesthetically pleasing. Or, you want to ensure high prices. Your plastics are found in the dead bodies of animals you will never see.

You came into our forests, thriving ecosystems for a broad spectrum of biodiversity, and you stripped them bare for an extremely narrow ecosystem you know as pastureland to raise cattle and sheep, animals which require huge amounts of fresh water and which emit even larger volumes of deadly methane gas.You then force these animals into slaughter houses where, if they are subject to your religious laws such as kosher or halal, you slit their throats and let them stagger around in their own blood until they collapse. Of course, most of you don't do this; you allocate the dirty work to butchers who will wrap the meat in pretty packages for you.You cannot stomach the reality of getting food for yourself. You eat some and throw the rest away. Our cousins, the coyotes, have long known they can subsist entirely on the dumpsters outside your restaurants and fast food joints.

You came into our forests to kill us when in fact you destroyed our food source and laid out a buffet of cattle and sheep we had little choice but to take our sustenance from. You gas our dens to kill our children so they will not grow up to sustain the balance with our prey animals such as deer and elk, animals you want to kill for your own amusement or because, having killed their natural predator they have become overpopulated.You claim hunting is to "put meat on the table" when the money you spent on a hunting vehicle, fuel, high powered rifle and ammunition, hunting license and tags would keep meat from the local grocery store on your table for many months if not years.No, you just enjoy feeling the power of killing an unarmed animal as in those "canned hunts" so popular in States like Texas. You kill an average of 96 African elephants a day, taking the ivory for trinkets and leaving the animal to rot. You kill scores of rhinos yearly taking only the horn the powder of which you think will make your pitiful penises erect. You de-fin live sharks, leaving them to die a miserable death of starvation while you cook the fins for soup. You torture bulls to death, even setting their horns on fire for your amusement. And, sadly, the list goes on.

You raise populations of fur bearing animals, including "Man's best friend", in cages to electrocute them for your fur trimmed fashion garments and soft gloves made from dog skin.

You "introduced" us (we call it "returned" us) into parts of the northwest United States to show how good you are, how ecologically advanced you are. What happened?The ecosystem quickly began recovering. Streams that had become fast moving torrents yielding flash flooding and unsuitable conditions for fish, beavers, and a multitude of other animals began returning to a state which supports the balance of life. How so?After you had trapped and shot us to near extinction the deer and elk were then free to wade into the wetlands, where they had been vulnerable to us as they sank a bit into the mud,and eat the young shoots growing there.Those shoots would have grown into the plants that stabilized the stream, keeping it from eroding the banks and making the water unlivable and dangerous.As we returned, the deer and elk avoided those young shoots and the streams returned to a livable ecosystem. And now you want to trap, gas, and shoot us again.

Recently one of your "intelligent" hunters shot and killed a family therapy dog from ten feet away.He claimed he thought it was one of us.Apparently his only familiarity with us comes from the Big Bad Wolf type cartoons you scare your children with, just as the only familiarity so many of your self-styled "cowboys" have with cattle is the drawing of Elsie on their milk carton.

We know of no other animal which kills for enjoyment on the scale you do. You even kill each other in massive numbers.You gut programs that help people live healthy and educated lives in favor of programs to develop even deadlier weapons for killing each other. No other animal on the face of this Earth is so consumed by and dedicated to the mass extermination of its own kind. No other animal on the face of this Earth claims divine sanction from some spiritual being as the justification for exterminating people who do not believe in or worship this particular being.

For these reasons and many more we, the wolves, demand you cease and desist from calling your murderers, whether killers of a few or killers of many, "lone wolves".That is a despicable slander against our good name and against our long standing place in nature.In fact, we can think of no greater slander than calling one of us "human".

I often wonder about the future, even though I know it is a fool’s errand to do so. We seem to be in ‘free fall,’ and the bottom is probably some way off, but one day we will come to some form of landing. It could be a crash landing, or perhaps things will crack but heal and maybe, and perhaps we can learn from what we are going through at this time. I have my doubts, but there is always hope.

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I was born in Lexington Kentucky, and raised (during my early years) in a satellite town just outside of Lexington called Georgetown, where most of my family is from. My mother was a elementary school teacher, while my father worked for the local water treatment plant. They met due to my grandmother (my mother's mother) working as a receptionist at the water plant. My parents married in 1989, I was born in 1993, and they divorced in 1995. I don't even hardly remember them being together. They were both in their mid to late upper 30's when they had me, and I was their only child.

My mother is an exceptional woman. She was raised as a Baptist preacher's kid which was of course, an incredibly abusive home. She was the oldest of three, and was the one child that for some reason got the full brunt of all the physical and verbal abuse of her father. Of course on the outside to the general public he was a model citizen, yet in the home he was an abusive hypocrite. Her mother on the other hand, was more simply another victim, yet her silence in the face of this abuse was still essentially compliance nonetheless. Yet despite her situation in the home, she was able to greatly excel greatly in school. School was her only safe place, where she could excel and be rewarded for her efforts, as opposed to back home which was torture. She loved school. So much so, that as far back as she could remember she decided that she wanted to be a school teacher. Never did she ever consider anything else. Schooling was her life, and she would later go on to put herself through college and get a masters degree + in childhood education. She got herself a job without anyone else's assistance. She had to learn how to act like an adult in the grown world and to fend for herself at an early age, since her parents were never any real advocates who would be there to look out for her. My mother dedicated her life to inspiring and helping young children. Because of her tremendous success in the face of adversity, she holds others to the highest standards. I can honestly say in all the years that I've known her, that she has not once ever lied, ever cheated, and has always abided by the rules. She's never even had a single speeding ticket. All of this isn't to say that she's somehow 'perfect'. My mother isn't without flaws (and trust me, there are plenty. Mostly due to her abuse as a child, and the horribly traumatic experiences she's had along with me over the years), but the point I wish to emphasize here is that she is the very definition of a survivor. She's good hearted (even though she has her moments that I'll explain more about later), is extremely intelligent, and has a strong will with a capacity to succeed. She has always been the one advocate I've ever had in my life. Without her, there'd have been no way I ever could've survived.

My father on the other hand is a different story. My father was raised in a situation far worse than my mother was. More so I'm guessing than any of us will ever truly know. Whereas my mother's father was a religious hypocrite, my father's father was just about the lowest thing that ever crawled out from under a rock. At least my mother's father pretended to be a moral upstanding citizen. My father's father on the other hand was unapologetically open about his lecherous behavior. He was proud of it. (in fact I would even possibly go so far as to say he was a complete sociopath) My grandfather was a wife beater, who never worked a day in his life, proudly said "that's what I have the b**** here for", was an open racist who never referred to a black person as anything other than the 'N' word, physically and verbally (possibly even sexually, we don't really know) abused his children (specifically my father), and despite all of this was somehow never on drugs or alcohol and grew up in a kind loving family (once again, possibly just born a sociopath). I don't know my father's true history since he rarely would ever talk about it, but what I do know is that he was abused in numerous was by his father all through the years, and never received any assistance for it. My father absolutely 'loved' his mother though, who constantly coddled him and 'took care of him' all growing up.

Now, as for my father himself, there's a lot that happens to be a major mystery about him. As to what exactly 'caused' his behaviors that I'm about to express to you, I don't truly know. I don't think this can simply all be blamed on the abuse he suffered, as we are all ultimately responsible for our own actions. Nevertheless, there are a number of possible contributing factors about him that should be taken into consideration. I'll merely describe his behaviors themselves, and mention some possible causes. Just keep in mind, these possible causes are not definitive. Having said that, lets move on...

My father had an explosive temper. He never became physically violent, but he would brake things, throw things, pin people down and yell at them, and scream till he got red in the face. And these outbursts of his could easily be brought on by the most mundane things. There were numerous times in which he showed absolutely no signs of empathy towards other people. (i.e. he got angry when I was a baby at my crying so he nearly chocked me to death by stuffing tons of bread to my throat to shut me up, laughed hysterically when he taught me at the age of two 'how to shoplift' from Wal-Mart, was obsessed with revenge and getting even with people and would set out to destroy their lives in any way possible and would haunt them till the day they die, etc.) Now, my mother thought that he was just lazy and incompetent (possibly due to his own lazy and incompetent father), but at the same time he showed signs of possibly suffering from something else. Like I said previously, we don't really know. What we do know however, was that he had extreme difficulty remembering and following directions at work, and in doing chores at home, and in keeping up with basic things like bills and other typical adult errands. It wasn't just that he was lazy (don't get me wrong, he was lazy, but there seemed to be more to it then that), as he showed numerous signs of simply having mental difficulty keeping up with and completing basic tasks. And it certainly wasn't intelligence, cause if you engaged him on the right topic he'd quickly be able to show above average levels of intelligence. Yet of course these same problems carried over into his schooling as well. This is why my mother and I (and a number of psychologists) have considered him to have possibly been born with a strong case of Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD), on top of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). He was officially diagnosed at one point with Explosive Personality Disorder (EPD), but other things that have been considered are Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD) and Sociopathy.

Now beyond all of that, my father was also a tremendous nerd. And I mean NERD. I'm talkin' old-school nerd, before nerd became somewhat cool. He loved all things superhero's, comic books, etc. He was a tremendous Star Wars / Star Trek fan, and loved everything Science Fiction and Fantasy. But most of all, he LOVED movies. He considered himself a 'movie enthusiast' and a 'movie collector'. He always had an entire wall of his house (biggest wall he could find near the TV) with shelves and shelves stacked full to the brim with movies. He would spend countless hours just sitting down obsessively watching movies (and TV shows btw, but mostly movies), and if anyone ever tried to break him away from it and bring him back into the real world to deal with any real world problems, that's when he would lose it and go into one of his explosive tantrums. He was a total Escapist. For those that don't know, an escapist is someone who in some way tries to 'mentally escape' into 'another world' in their head. It's basically what nerds do when they 'play pretend' in their minds and imagine themselves in whatever fictional world they (or someone else) dream up. In many cases, this is brought on as a learned defense mechanism in order for abuse victims to 'mentally escape' an otherwise inescapable situation. Of course at the same time we all do it to an extent whenever we go watch a movie or read a book, it's just a bit more extreme in these cases. So that is essentially my father.

Still with me so far? Because we've only scratched the surface. So now that my parent's stories are outta the way, on to my own back story in the next entry...

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soft whispers, as trees rustle, dancing to the wind's beat. as oceans hustle, mountains slowly move, and the distance of valleys grow smaller, its time and not even land or sea will come
in between of what's mine

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This is going to be a weekly blog series regarding my own journey of total life transformation.

We all have things in our lives that we wish we could change, things we could improve. However my story is a story from the absolute bottom up. There are many things I could say in regards to how and what exactly led me to be in the situation that I'm in today. I could probably write a whole book on this subject alone. Nonetheless, I feel it necessary to start this out by sharing the highlights with you as to where exactly I am in life at the moment, and what exactly led to me being here in the first place.

(note: I will most likely post another entry this week that goes much more in-depth into my backstory, but I figured I'd begin with the highlights)

My name is Richard Lee. I'm a 24 year old white male living in Lexington Kentucky. I have no friends. I have no family. I have no love life. I have no job. I have no formal education beyond high school. I have no driver's license or car. The only person in my life is my mother, whom I live with currently. I'm still fully dependent on her at the moment, and yes, this causes great strain and humiliation. I have Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD), have suffered with Social Anxiety and Social Phobia, and have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) due to childhood sexual abuse I suffered at the hands of my own father. I've struggled all through school (not because of lack of intelligence, but because of the psychological issues listed above), and have struggled maintaining a steady job as well. The severe depression that has accompanied me all through my life due to the issues listed above, has lead me to spend many years contemplating suicide. Self-loathing became my natural state. In order to cope with the pain, I would mentally escape into 'other worlds' inside my head, mostly from nerdy sci-fi fantasy crap and such. I slowly and steadily withdrew from the world, and started to reside more and more inside my own head. Experiential Avoidance became my subconscious go-to mechanism, a reflex response, to any stressor. A psychologist once called it a minor form of 'Disassociation', that's common in sex abuse victims. In fact I'm still a virgin, and have only ever had one 'girlfriend' for a brief time back in high school. The whole idea of sex actually scares me to some extent. I'm rather conservative in regards to that whole subject. And yet unfortunately at the same time, I'm an absolute hopeless romantic, a total sucker for romance related anything. This of course causes some of the greatest levels of pain, knowing (or at least feeling) that I'll never know true love. I'd like to for once in my life be able to understand and experience what is supposed to be the greatest of all emotional connections. Though it's undoubtedly unfair to drag anyone into this mess of a life. To even consider such nonsense at my current state is just laughable at best. At the end of the day I'm just a loser nerd with no family, friends, job, or education, living with my mother. What's worse is, no one knows or understands any of this. When they look at me they simply see a good-for-nothin' lazy mooch living off his mother's income who won't just go out and get a job. And when this stuff is explained to most people, they simply say things like "the past is the past," or "get over it and move on." I don't wish to just make excuses, but I can't just dismiss my psychology and 'get over it.' It's not that simple. Essentially, I'm all alone. No one understands. And no one seems to care.

I'm so sick of this life. All I want is the same things that most people have that they take for granted: Family, friendship, an education, a career, love... Something to be proud of. Some sense of accomplishment at least. I want to be able to die one day knowing that someone will miss me. That I made some sort of impact that benefitted the lives of others. To not feel so ashamed of myself all the time...

I've spent so many years trying to avoid my problems, because it was all just too much to bear, but if I continue down this road I'm on I'll lose all of my 20's holed up in a room in my mother's house avoiding the world. I'll be the very definition of what people mock and make fun of when they joke about 'loser white virgin nerds living with their parents into adulthood.'

That's why I am changing everything right here and now. I don't need to just fix a few issues in my life, I need a total life transformation. A self-metamorphosis if you will. I'm starting this blog as a means of charting my progress, and hopefully so I can get some good advise and healthy feedback and encouragement from some of you.

So with all that being said, these are my ultimate life goals:

To reach a state of total independence

To get and sustain a good job

To go back to school and major in Psychology (hopefully even a doctorate)

To begin a good paying career helping other people like me overcome psychological trauma and abuse

To become the right person for and find my soul mate, wherever she may be

To start a family, to actually have a family some day

And to become ever-more spiritually attuned to the things in this universe (I know I haven't touched on this subject yet, but I promise I will in later entries)

I realize that this is just a free blog on UM, and that starting a weekly blog series on such a huge long-term endeavor may best be served some place else, but many of the people on here have become like family to me. Maybe it's because I have no friends or family of my own that I'm so quick to draw such emotional attachments to people on a computer screen, but nonetheless that's how I feel. I couldn't think of a better place to open up and share all of this with then here with all of you.

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I always have two feelings every day no matter what I'm going through at any given moment. A feeling that something negative is going to happen, and the need to be ready for it. I feel like many of the events that are happening in my life mixed with the knowledge I've gained only strengthens this idea. I mean if it were up to me completely I would live the rest of my days somewhere comfortable with my life just enjoying being with her but I feel like even she proves it. She is so strong even physically Its one of the things that attracts me to her so strongly. I feel like once a certain list unknown to me has been fully checked off something insane is going to happen to test our strength in survival. Or, I'm more crazy than I ever imagined and I should get on medication.

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As the sun lowers to the twilight today, so closes the last evening of summer. Tomorrows sunset will be the first of autumn. The fullness of summers reapings are fully over, the tangs and heat of canning are almost done. The last of the summer plants are now being tucked in and protected to let them fully yield out in the next few weeks.

Now comes time for cleaning before the last harvest. The recently culled and cleared beds need to be tucked under the first gatherings of fallen leaves for their winter mulch blankets. Perennial and bulb beds are being planted in and watered in and mulched in just as tenderly as the spring seedlings- now are their weeks to take root and snuggle down. Trimmings and cuttings and deadfall brush that has piled up over the summer is ready for some chilling season bonfires.

The last brush of summers heat is flaring out good and hot, and mellower embers are looked forward to. Now comes the mellower harvests of seeds, and curing off squashes and bulbs and such. The harvest of fallen leaves for mulch. Taking in the fallen fruit from the trees and shucking them off to winter grazing areas for the wildlife.

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Siri made me laugh out loud this morning. I got up early and drove 50 miles to Des Moines to have my misbehaving car checked out. Westside Auto Pros is in a weird location, so I used the MAPS app to ensure I didn't get lost. As I pulled into the parking lot, Siri announced "Arrived at destination, Westside Auto PROSS". It took me by surprise and I started laughing like a fool.

Westside Auto Pros is a topnotch auto repair shop, with an odd twist to their service. It's like checking into a hospital: three reps seated behind a long counter, tapping away on keyboards, wearing rockstar headphones with wraparound mikes. "We'll run some tests. Help yourself to beverages in the waiting room".

Apparently my car is in very serious condition, possibly requiring an overnight stay.

So, I made the most of my complimentary rental car, starting with the Waukee YMCA. I walked 4 miles on the indoor track and worked out in the weight room. There was a toddler's gymnastics class in the gym, with about a dozen little kids hanging from bars and falling backwards onto the mats. The highlight was a rousing rendition of "Itsy Bitsy Spider".

Afterwards I drove to Winterset, home of the famous covered bridges of Madison County and the birthplace of John Wayne. It’s a cool little town, nestled in the forests and farm fields of rural Iowa, like a Norman Rockwell painting come to life. I saw a young kid with schoolbooks walking down the sidewalk. He waved at me as I drove by. How often does that happen? Made me feel like Jimmy Stewart.

I visited the home where John Wayne was born. It was kind of emotional for me, because my Dad was a big fan of The Duke, as were many from his generation. He represented the America we all long for, where the good guys always win with honor.

Then, after asking for directions from two different people, I drove the winding, bumpy, one-lane road through the woods to Clark Tower, a memorial to Caleb & Ruth Clark who were among the very first settlers here. From the top of the tower you can gaze across the hills and imagine life 150 years ago. A crowing rooster in a barnyard across the valley really set the mood.

And then Westside Auto Pros called me. They said they were still diagnosing, but for sure my car would have to remain under their care overnight. They sounded hopeful that my credit card would soon be maxed out.

DISCLAIMER: This is a work of pure fiction… While I am using actual places, every single thing else is entirely made up and solely a product of my rather strange mind… This is not meant to be a comment (pro or con) on any person, place or thing that I mention or show. It is solely done for (hopefully) humorous effect, and does not reflect the opinions, attitudes or beliefs of any person, organization or group – myself included. It is intended entirely in fun and should any person, organization or group take offense at anything I write, infer or that they believe I infer, I apologize fully and will gladly change, remove or retract the offensive “bits”. All factual information included in the following was gathered from purely public sources and/or my own personal knowledge, based on having actually been there (and so noted at each instance).

UM’s Field Offices in the Pago Pago (American Samoa) area.

When the Lapita people first settled the Samoan island in about 1500 BC (ish) they discovered ruins of many buildings and empty beer cans left behind by the migrating tribe of Neanderthals who had been searching for “Polka Paradise”, giving UM a legal (ish) claim (of sorts) on the Islands… Or so it is claimed by the UM Department of Highly Improbable Archaeology… Rather than contest the issue with the (rather frighteningly strong – and irate looking) Samoans, UM decided in the “spirit of international cooperation” they would forgo their “claim”, settling instead on operating a small – but vital – administrative center on the island of Tutuila, near the current port town of Pago Pago.

The Admin Annex complex is actually buried deep under the mountain and consists of many miles of narrow twisting corridors, small cramped offices and a surprisingly large open cavern meeting place where many dances, flea markets, public meetings and Polka Parties are held. It also serves as the testing ground for UM’s world famous and much dreaded (by our allies at least) Military Assault Pogo Sticks – which are manufactured at the top secret factory located 10 floors below (don’t worry about the location being included here – no one would ever guess what the top secret password to the huge vault doors hidden behind the large fern plant in the lobby is)

As all of you are no doubt aware, this Admin Annex is the Second(fifth, nineteenth and fifty second) stop on your UM enrollment ordeal process, and it is here that your carefully completed enrollment packet of 1,273 clay tablets are studiously scrutinized for completeness, incoherence, spelling, proper Hittite grammar and proper use of a number two stylus on UM approved surfaces (i.e. mud from the Tigris/Euphrates Rivers)(this is all subject to the customary bribes to have the scrutinizer “overlook” any irregularities of course).

Pago Pago is also the main call center and delivery point for its world wide network of Pizza parlors. A simple call here from anywhere in the world (on the UM highly secure communications network of tin cans and string) will promptly get your favorite type of pizza baked and then lovingly packed in cases made of reused tuna cans, and dispatched to you on the backs of giant sea turtles (guided by a group of Lemur jockeys imported from our new offices in Madagascar). Delivery in 6 months (ish) or none of yourmoney back, guaranteed! Just get out that official UM tin can on a string phone and dial 0333-66382-88391-993424547346120473-777322940523321 extension 5 and your fresh (ish) piping hot (maybe once upon a time), delicious (ish) pizza will soon be crawling it’s way to you!

The Admin Annex is the home and workplace of one of UM’s most hatedhatedleast liked beloved employees Myrtle “Do It Over” Dunagin, who as you all know is in charge of checking off this station on your Enrollment Check-List. Myrtle has been lording over working here in the Office of Forms, Regulations, Bureaucracy and Pizza Deliveries for most of her adult life, or at least since 1815 when she showed up at the door and took over was hired… While she is neverrarelyoccasionallysometimesonce and a whileoften always a charming and pleasant person it would probably be best not to mention her hunchback, excessive body hair, peg leg, hook for a hand, halitosis, and that rather remarkable scar that runs across her very large nose and hairy chin(s). Although – if she likes you – she will regale you with countless hours of tales of her exploits as a blood thirsty piratebuccaneermercenarylegally ambiguous adventurer merchant sailor in her youth. And hey fellas! After a long and tumultuous (often violent) affair with UM’s Chief Head Flogger Maximus "Knuckles" Yu-Benswattted, Myrtle is now single! While the cold broken hearted lady politely declines to comment on exactly why UM’s most talked about “couple” is no more, she can often be heard to mutter (in flawless Hittite which she is surprisingly fluent in) over her flagon of grog that “he was just too much of a @%$#&@* softie”… Could you be stupid enough to be “the one”? Just give her a wink the next time you see her and find out!

The Pago Pago Admin Annex offices are always looking for new hires. Among the many benefits to living and working here are a pleasant tropical climate, warm sunny beaches, friendly locals and a laid back relaxed atmosphere (except at work where roving flogger constantly wove up and down the lines of chained office workers “encouraging” them – unless you work for Myrtle in which case it gets really stressful)… The only requirements for being transferred here are that you hate the outdoors, hate the sun, hate the sea, hate the warm sunny beaches and hate being around anyone – including yourself. So if you enjoy being sequestered in a small cramped, moldy, slime encrusted cell only to be let out to an even more cramped, moldy, slime encrusted office cubical, being fed only week old sardines, and never being allowed outside or to see the sun, and earn next to nothing in the process, then this is the place for you!

Next stop on our Tour will be the UM Offices in Ulaan Baator, Mongolia! Stay tuned!

(Second Disclaimer: American Samoa is a place I’ve always wanted to visit. I’ve met many Samoans – mostly during my time in the military – and found all of them to be very pleasant, friendly people (though rather frighteningly large and strong) and have the greatest respect for them. This was written in fun with no intent to offend, and it is my sincerest wish that it is received as such.)

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In Japanese folklore, some yokai were once human, an animal or even a household. After being wronged in some way they manifested into a malevolent force seeking out revenge such as the Tenome. As legend goes, a blind old man was attacked by thugs while travelling down a road. The robbers viciously beaten the elder and left him to die alone. In agony, the old man cried out a curse wishing to had eyes to see their faces before succumbing to his injuries. After such resent-filled death, his spirit refused to rest and transformed into a Tenome.

Legends described this yokai as a ghost resembling an old man with no eyes as they were now coming out from the palms of his hands. Tenome wanders around open fields, graveyards and country roads at night seeking out those who killed him. The yokai would stick out his hands in front of his face to see, yet not knowing the faces of his attackers along with a blinded rage, anyone unfortunately enough to cross his path became a target.

In Japanese folklore, comforting Tenome meant certain death. The yokai was faster and stronger than a human and could track its victims by scent if they evaded his sight. Stories mention Tenome preyed upon people where he sucked all the blood and bones out the person leaving behind the skin. Most legends may mention how to fight off yokai, however there are few options to defeating this spirit other than warding, sealing or exorcising it.

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It's been a while, hasn't it. Well, today, I have something to share with you that has proof. At least 20 pieces of footage, shot on a classic Nintendo 3DS. Let me just go ahead and explain the backstory.

Two months ago, me and my family took a trip to Disney. It was a Tueday, and the rain ended up flodding the parking lot, so we stayed inside of our hotel room. I had brought my ChromeBook with me. I forget exactley what I was doing, something in my Google Drive, when I stumbled upon a backup of my old 3DS' SD Card. On it, I found footage of an event I had long forgotten.

Summer 2014,

.Me and my friends, Dylan, Jaden, and Thomas were getting ready to get our 3DS's and play some Pokemon. It turns out that Jaden had brought some of his Pokemon Cards. However, we took one look at them and noticed that something was wrong. At least 90% of the cards were fake. Some were easy to tell, as they had attacks that did ridiculous amounts of damage, or had a staggering amount of HP. Others weren't so easy, leading a small group of kids like us to call some of the real cards fake, and vice versa.

Eventually, all of us left Jaden, who had spent good money for some of those cards, over at a little area with beanbags (this was filmed at a summer camp.), while we sat at a table and discussed everything. Over the course, of that discussion, Jaden began acting very paranoid, and often left his area to interrupt our conversation. A peice of footage even shows him frantically yelling at us at one point.

(NOTE: Please don't take my verbose writing as my attempt to sound smart. I just like to play around with words and try to make it sound complex :P)

Be This Friday, in my Film Class...

I make my way through the labyrinth of desks to my seat, squeezing my way through students who are packed together like sardines. Settling myself down into my chair, I take a gander around the room, observing my peers. Part of my heart sinks as I observe the new classmates. These aren't the same students from last year, you see. These are newcomers who had advanced from the beginner film class they took the year before. The fact that they're newbies isn't the problem, you see. It's that the film students of yesteryear, whom I came to appreciate the presence of, had all graduated. Not only that, my previous film partners, all one grade lower than me, refused to take film class this year. To be quite frank, I don't blame them. My school's Movie Production program is favored by who I consider some of the shallowest pupils my school has to offer. By their attitude and demeanor, I can only assume that they're partaking in the program in hopes of gaining stardom among their peers, and so they can eventually admire their own self-centered faces on the big screen of our school's auditorium. I, on the other hand, enjoy film making for the sake of viewing things in different perspectives and playing with ideas. So basically, although this may sound (and most likely is) narrow minded, I feel like I'm the only innovator in a class full of narcissists.

Anyways, one of the class officers, we'll just call her Stacey, barks at us to form two separate groups. The group I'm in is ordered to go out to the school quad, for a group activity. As we settle ourselves in a circle inside this grassy space, I try to make chit chat with my fellow students. They of course, take to ignoring me. Perhaps because I'm somewhat idiosyncratic with the material and social norms of society, they see this as some sort of evil and therefore shun me for my own individualistic ways. I must assure you, that although the alluring vastness of my mind has rendered me socially maladjusted, I am not in the least unaware of my tone. Therefore, and damn me if my judgments show folly, my classmates are at this moment shrouded in stifling clouds of their own egos. I must say that I was beginning to feel flustered the more and more I thought about my classmates' bigotry.

Stacey takes out a ball of white yarn, and explains to us the rules of a very simple game. While standing in a circle, one of us takes the ball and states one of their interests. Whoever raises their hand in shared agreement gets the ball of yarn tossed to them, whilst the thrower holds on to the string as it unravels in the air. Overtime, as the yarn is passed around to one another, this forms a complex web of unbearably simple interests. As the yarn was being passed from student to student, I couldn't help but think to myself how shallow and simple-minded these people were (although I'm probably no better), after they ignored me in an attitude of arrogance that seems to have encrusted their hearts. I couldn't bear their responses: "My name's Bob and I like playing video games!" "My name's Johanna and I like to ride horses!" I decided that I'd challenge their train of thought. Once the yarn had reluctantly passed to me (by the only student in the class who seems to have any respect for me) I opened fire: "My name's (blank) and I like to pace around my room and think!"

Just so you know, I don't actually spend my time pacing around my room and thinking. Although I do frequently use music as an outlet to daydream, which causes me to go from here to there around my bedroom, since motion stimulates my thought. I said this though, to see how they'd respond. Sadly, they didn't exceed me expectations. The whole class was silent, except for a brave girl who said "Me too!", perhaps being the only one smart enough to realize it as a joke. I kid you not, my peers had absolutely no idea of what to make of my statement. It was as if their faces were saying "This isn't a part of the script!". A student to my right leaned over and told me "Just say that you like air!", like he was trying to save me from my socially awkwardness and his classmates from an abstract perspective.

Needless to say, I felt very pleased with what I said. I had introduced to my classmates' minds a different thought for once. Hopefully they'll see me as even more mysterious, and be even more careful to ignore me next time, for I don't wan't anything to do with them anyways.

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This was a status update, but due to size and I know it's not done yet felt blog would be better.

This happened Sunday 20th Aug 2017, 7:30pm.

MIL to be came over here last night unwelcomed, to demand the desktop computer she gave Michael back. BANGED (I mean banged like when you're punching something banged) on the door (door bell broke years ago) yelled at me to tell him. Again she called Michael a FING SELFISH PRICK, because he told her that it takes hours to transfer things if he has to give comp back. That's one of her go to lines.

I rang local police station and they told me I can't get a restraining order out unless she harms one of us or our property more then twice. First time is assault charge only. We can tell her to leave or refuse to answer door and have police removed her.

Considering when Noel was in the local hospital near me (5/10min walk) she "forgot how to get to my house" so Michael could give her a lift home, she found our house yesterday in the dark. I have her phone numbers blocked on my phone and deleted her friend request on Facebook.

I got told by the police station that her threats aren't seen as something they deal with!

That homeowner (dad) has to be first to tell her to leave then police if she doesn't listen or he's not home.

Basically until the person harms you or your property atleast twice, you are powerless.

We know she'll be back sometime this week to try again.

When she comes back part of me so badly wants to say YOU'RE BANNED AND NOT ALLOWED HERE LEAVE! Then slam the door in her face. I will however be recording everything said if I think to grab phone at the time to do so.

Dad said he's going to padlock the front gate (instead of it just closed, back gates are pinned and locked to) again so she try getting in here, it used to be padlocked when he had the medium he owned out front. She wouldn't be able to jump it its too high for her to.

Thurs is her birthday, so it'll be Weds or Thurs she returns.

I'm angry she's free to verbally abuse because the law sucks.

That's why I wanted a restraining order to stop her being able to contact or come near, but got told no.

I know if I really wanted to I could get her to the point she would lay a hand on me, but I'm not that type.

In one way he still has to in directly deal with her, Will hasn't been read by lawyers yet and Noels court case is still going but that's through Noels lawyers who have Michaels number.

Michael says don't answer the door to her. I think she's heading for Psych break because of everything she's done is biting her in the A.

We legally can psychward her if we feel she's a harm to herself or others (great psychologist I had told me that) and Michael said go for it (even he wanted me to get AVO out on her).

I don't want to unless it gets really bad, because her dogs only have her (as in people they know well), lost Noel, Michael moved out so they would have been grieving that and would stop eating etc from stress if they lost her for a day or more.

Best we can do is call police to tell her to leave. Gate was shut so she would have lifted the pin and opened it to get in here. To me closed gate is DO NOT ENTER WITHOUT PERMISSION, but she and her crazy self things the rule doesn't apply.

Michael thinks she'll be back when he and dad are at work, in the hopes she can get me to let her in or grab it.

Not happening there's no love or any good feelings to that woman, she's his mom and that's it is how I see it.

Michael says he thinks she's losing it, she told him pick up his dart board so she could rent his old bedroom out. He did and day later she rang to ask had he been to her house.

The exact words one of the local (where I live there's one in one area and another in a different area, both close to me) police stations told me last night when I called. I said so threats to KICK MY A** THROW ME BY THE SCRUFF OF MY NECK! YOU WON'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT while trying not to have an Anxiety attack. That they're (AVO/restraining orders) very hard to get now.

She can verbally abuse and threaten us with no legal ramifications, because there's no physical harm or damage.

The law is fudged up that's for sure.

I have abusive notes (Michael gave permission for me to share and show my psychologist) from her she wrote to him before he moved out of her house.

We're talking nasty stuff calling him lazy, selfish etc and playing the dying husband/ his dad card to try to get her own way. He works 5-6 day weeks 10-11 hour (Sat is 4 hours if he gets called in) days and she does nothing yet calls him selfish etc.

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In times of trial, I often find myself with a great desire to escape or ignore the problems I face. Although, I know this is not the best course of action, I usually feel no need to fight this desire because in the past, I have had great success with this method. In many cases, I have ignored my problems and they have resolved themselves or someone else found a solution without me even seeking help. I know my luck in this area is bound to run out eventually, but I feel like I want to test it. I want to see just how lucky I can get by ignoring even life’s greatest challenges. It seems crazy, psychotic even. But I need to know. When my luck runs out, perhaps I will begin to regard my issues in a more attentive way but until then, we shall see.

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I haven't been to UM forum in.... years? I'd have to check the dates. It's been a long time.

Off to see if it's the same science vs. religion debating, photo manipulation revealing, conspiracy theorizing, it-wasn't-a-ghost-it-was-probably-swamp-gas-from-Venus (ha!) -ing place it was back then.

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I like to practise random acts of kindness - to help make a difference. It can be anything from just making a spontaneous, passing and complimentary remark on what someone is wearing (I love the colour purple) or offering to let someone go before me in a checkout queue. Giving is its own reward - it's enough, a good feeling i.e. I don't expect anything back. So what happened here took me by surprise....

One day I was cycling down a high street when the bike chain somehow jammed/went back on itself. I duly walked the bike to the pavement, turned it upside down (sitting on its saddle) whilst I attempted to disentangle the greasy chain. I was somewhat surprised when a man offered to do this for me! (It was a dirty/oily job!) I explained that it would mean him getting his hands dirty but he didn't mind! He fixed it for me and I gratefully thanked him. He was very cheerful and didn't seem to mind that his hands were now covered in black grease, as were mine.

So I then realised I needed to get my hands clean. I saw a nearby cafe and walked the bike to these premises, thinking I could slip into their toilet and get cleaned up. With my hands so dirty, I thought I would just risk leaving my bike propped against the shop, i.e. unchained....hoping it wouldn't get stolen for the short time it took to get cleaned up. Then, to my amazement, 3 teenagers (it seemed from nowhere but, obviously, they had been watching what had occurred) approached me, smiling, and offered to watch my bike as I went in to clean up! This totally blew me away and was beyond what I could ever have expected or hoped for....it seemed so unusual and blessed! Of course I thanked them and got cleaned up.....

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assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something

To be sure, there are other definitions of trust, but for this particular blog post, I’m focused on the one above.

I have a friend (whom I will call Theatre Gal) who has been going to therapy for a few weeks now. It’s something she sought on her own, but is very much needed as she comes from a very problematic family, to put it nicely. On the whole, it seems that the sessions she’s had have been good ones. At least until last night. She’s had to schedule her appointments in the evening because she cannot take time off work in the middle of the day and she works in another city at least thirty minutes away (on a good day).

Last night around 7:30-ish, I receive a text from her that she’s sitting in her car angry and near tears. Through several text exchanges I got the story of what was going on. The therapist had forgotten about their appointment. I can only assume that the doctor keeps normal business hours, but returns to the office for any evening appointments. Mondays aren’t the usual day for TG to have her appointment, but last week the therapist told her that that was the only day open for the evenings. Everything else was booked.

Long story short, TG has lost faith in people when even her therapist cannot remember that they have an appointment together. They were, ironically, supposed to talk about trust issues last night, as well, so that doesn’t bode well for the future. At least in TG’s eyes. TG also stated that the therapist is always late to their appointments; 15-20 minutes late. While this is never good on a professional level, I assume that TG gets her full hour or however long their appointments usually last.

I hope that the therapy sessions do not end because of last night. I am very fond of TG and do not wish, under any circumstances, to end the friendship, but the problems she has are more than I can help her with on my own. She needs a professional to talk to, with at least one friend to give the extra support. I want to help her regarding trust, but I don’t know how. Or even if that’s something I should try taking on myself.

While I relied solely on the definition of trust from the Merriam-Webster dictionary because of the long history it has of being a reliable dictionary. However, one word I saw in other definitions that is missing from the M-W definition is reliability. I’m not sure how important that part is. Do they go together? Can you trust someone who is unreliable? Is it possible to trust a person even taking into consideration that they might not be reliable?

I just want to help her grow into the young woman I think she’s got potential to be. She’s only a little younger than I was when I started to forge my own path. It’s not too late even at 30.

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My dad is in his mid 50s, he is, as I said in the description, a hard drug user and has been since he was 12. he has also been a diabetic since he was 4 years old and he does not take care of himself like he should. Anyway, He is stubborn and has never spoken of aliens before, he has actually made fun of my friends for believing in aliens in the past. Fast Forward to late last summer: I called my dad one night when I got off work (like usual) around 10pm. He wasn't slurring like he does when he drinks and he wasn't talking fast like he does when he is high. He sounded very normal but started talking about "people" being in his apartment he said they came in "through the walls" and that they just sat on the couch. He described them as "cool" and "interesting" I assumed he was on acid and had friends over, so I brushed it off and told him I would call him in a little bit. About an hour later I called him and he was very short with me and said he would call me back. Then just before midnight he called me and he was absolutely hysterical panting like a dog yelling at me telling me to call the cops because there were "intruders" in his apartment trying to hill him. He hung up quickly and I immediately called the police and told them he was a drug user that I thought was either high or was having a blood sugar crisis. After I hung up with them I called my dad back and he was still hysterical I told him the police were on their way and I told him I was on my way too he told me to not come there out of fear for these things following me or seeing me and trying to harm me. The police showed up and he hung up with me. About a half hour later, an officer called me and said they were taking him for a psych eval at the local hospital. He also told me that when they got into my dads apartment he was naked, sweating and swinging a large knife at them telling them there were people in his apartment. The officer said they searched his apartment and found no one. He told me to come see my dad in the morning when he had calmed down, he said my presence may upset him more than he already was. In the morning I went to the hospital and my dad, who by this time had calmed down because the nursing staff gave him downers, told me about what had happened.

He said, "These things walked through walls and into my apartment! they looked exactly like people, just like you and me. They just hung out on the couch they didnt talk, blink or nod or anything. You're gonna think in ****ing crazy but they put messages into my head to communicate with me! They were really chill and interesting at first, but then they got really upset and I got a really negative feeling and they started chasing me- I ran all the way around the neighborhood naked in the rain running from them and they followed me back to the apartment! Then they just disappeared when the police showed up! It was the scariest thing that has ever happened to me!"

He said he couldn't remember what their names were but they called them selves "something that sounded like The Couscous" (that wasn't it but he said thats what it sounded like.) He said they were there for 14 hours. Also, it did not rain that night, and my dad literally CANNOT run due to his health, he can barely walk on his own. I completely thought he was high and hallucinating. The more I thought about it and talked to him about it, even weeks later, after his high would have wore off he still fully believed it happened and he has never believed in aliens before this. A few months later it happened again. Not as bad and he said they didnt stay as long and they weren't threatening at all. Now just the other day it happened a third time! I called him and he was whispering into the phone and said he had another "intruder" and he was calling the cops. I was out of town and called my sister and brother to go over there. By the time they got there he was still freaked out but was slightly calmed down. The cops never showed up so we don't think he ever actually called them. He told my sister that he found "a kid hiding in his bathroom and it was the child of one of the visitors" when I talked to him he referred to the kid as a "stow away" He said something about how the visitors still didnt speak but they transmitted messages to him mentally and the female visitor wanted him to keep the child but he said he couldn't even take care of himself let alone a child. Then they left. He didnt seem as freaked out or threatened by these "visitors".

Can anyone please tell me if my dad is crazy or if this might actually be happening to him? I have a hard time believing it, but at the same time, I don't know where he would have gotten this kind of info from. He only has a home phone. an old school radio and a tv that only gets literally 6 channels and he has no way to get on the internet (he has literally never been on a computer or smart phone in his life.)

Here is everything I know about these things from the info he gave me, if it helps:

The first visit (i think) it was 2 or 3 males. the second visit Im unsure of gender. the third visit it was a child (unknown gender) and a female.

They walk through walls.

They don't blink, speak out loud or respond in any way. They only send messages from their mind into his.

They look exactly like humans

They don't let him listen to his radio or watch TV.

He said his cat hides when they are there.

If it happens again or he gives me any other details I will post about it. Thanks for reading and please, comment or message me if you have any idea what might be happening to my dad.

I was an Anglican curate when I saw the sun spin. It happened like this. One of the teenagers in the parish had been to Medjugorje and suddenly got keen on the Blessed Virgin Mary. He joined a Medjugorje prayer group and twisted my arm to go with them on a visit to the Bosnian town where the Virgin Mary was supposed to have been appearing to some local youngsters. I resisted, pleading poverty. Then someone in the pilgrimage group wiped out my excuse by offering to pay my airfare.

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I have lost people very close to my heart throughout the years but they all seem to have paled to the grieving I am still experiencing from the death of one of my best friends almost 6 months ago. I am not sure why, but her death seems to have hit me harder than my own father's death and a friend that I thought of as a mother.

She and I were close in age, I was 1 1/2 years older. We saw each other at work almost every day and hung out when we could on our days off. I walked into her office every morning and we talked about what was going on in our lives. She had divorced 3 years before and remarried within 6 months so a lot of times we discussed her relationship with her new husband and how they were adjusting to each other.

It still hurts to see pictures of her, and I cannot bear to take her number out of my contacts yet. I still have our last texts we sent to each other the night she died. I seem to be doing well and then someone or something reminds me of her and I find myself grieving anew. I often wonder if her death has hit me harder because of being close in age and the death being very sudden.

I know that everyone grieves differently but I feel like I'm still going in waves of grief and I'm not quite sure why. I did not post this to get sympathy, I simply needed to talk about it. But if anyone has insight I would be willing to listen.

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Michaels mum is making threats saying I'm not welcome she's going to kick my A pick me up by neck scruff, that I have a face like a sour lemon, she hopes Michael never has the good sense to marry me. I'm a Fing lazy cow, I don't care about Noel (she says I didn't say hi I did) that I better not go crying to Michael he won't care. If I come back she'll grab me by scruff neck throw me out. I'm selfish don't care about my dying father in law, I got moody she said (bring up past) girlfriend instead of fiancé. Dads too ducking lazy to help her. All cause I said no to hanging pair of her socks. She's having a bpd lash out. Plus she threw my 2 containers in her trash pile saying they're trash. He'll be outta here before long. She's pulled this before, she'll pull it on him when he goes out to. Last time she banned me he just stayed over my place. All I said was if it's Michaels I'll hang them. She went you'll Fing hang them don't be rude. You'll hang them or I'll kick your ass. I hang his during week doesn't matter who's they are you'll hang them you're selfish cow. I gently put them on counter and she went off. She kept going. She's pulled this before, she'll pull it on him when he goes out to. Last time she banned me he just stayed over my place. All I said was if it's Michaels I'll hang them. She went you'll Fing hang them don't be rude. You'll hang them or I'll kick your A. I hang his during week doesn't matter who's they are you'll hang them you're selfish cow. I gently put them on counter and she went off. She kept going YOU WILL HANG THEM OR I'LL KICK YOUR A. IF YOU DONT LIKE THE RULES LEAVE AND DONT COME BACK YOURE NOT WELCOMED HERE. She goes in normal tone still more washing that needs to go out DONT YOU DARE THINK about putting on airer. She's either snapped out of it or it's intermission. When we left she was in her husbands room yelling at him. Shes going to send him to hospital from stress, he's dying of Cancer and she was yelling at him since she couldn't yell at Michael or I

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We live in a society that thrives on the promotion of the idea that we all have a purpose in life; this concept is instilled into our heads at a early age via t.v show, books, games, movies as well as the people around us. It is presented in a manner that makes it seem like there is this special little nook just waiting or even seeking us; that somehow some mysterious person is going to follow us and at some point say something like "You passed our test..you have been chosen..." or something along that line.

We have basically been trained from childhood that we are supposed to spend our lives searching for this mystical purpose that will somehow make our entire lives make sense and that from that point onward we are just going to be this awesome hero or something.

But..that doesn't work, does it? I mean it sounds very encouraging and nice but the sad fact is that millions of us, including myself, have fallen into that psychological trap. To be short, I do not think we have any purpose whatsoever rather we end up fulfilling many daily purposes. For example I used to work for an elderly neighbor, I was there for the "purpose" of doing things she couldn't do for herself such as laundry, cooking, cleaning, shopping and other tasks. My "purpose" for that time, was to do specified tasks. Then I go home and I have other tasks to do. For example, if I am the only one home at the time, my "purpose" is to do a few things that might be needed.

What I am trying to convey is that the very idea of "purpose" is rather transitory and temporary. Purpose is not something grand or life-long but merely tasks that need to be done and if you happen to be around or, in many cases, hired to do that then -for that parcel of time- your "purpose" is to do whatever it is that needs to be done. In fact we have many "purposes" daily including parenting, yard work, pet care, student studies, etc.

I wasted much time being seduced by this erroneous lie that as I went along doing what I had to do that I would somehow discover or stumble upon something that told me "This is your destiny. This is the purpose for which you were personally born for". This is not to ever say that what you do is pointless, not at all, I am just saying that whatever you do is to fulfill a task, obligation or promise. If you happen to be around to do those things then that is what your "purpose" for the time being is, to do whatever you were told to do. Once that has been accomplished then you go on to other things that you need or wish to do.

This what I think kids should be taught in school, that the concept of "purpose" is nothing special or mystical, it simply means there are things to do and if you are willing, qualified and able to do them then go ahead and do them. Forget the mysticism and fantasy, that is for movies and games, if you have that "to-do" list then your purpose for the day or at least the time being is to try to complete that list.

In short, purpose is a personal invention, a concept we attach to objects as well as to ourselves. It is not something that is waiting us or bestowed on us by some fairy or other-worldy thing, it is something we undertake and when that is done we go on to other things.

This is not to imply that what we do is unimportant, it just means we all do similar things, there are millions of people right now working in cubicles or behind desks, there are millions who are shuffling documents or giving shots to pets or serving meals in a cafe.....if you happen to be there and you are asked/told to do it then that is your purpose for the time being.

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Several weeks back I got notified by one of Linda's (stepmom) co-workers about a cat named Toby the Gray Tabby. Dad and Linda went off on vacation then when they came back we adopted/rescued him. At first he was scared and went into hiding. After a few days he felt comfortable enough to come out and interact with us. Toby is 3-4 years old and very affectionate and has a bond with me. He's already had the snip and sometimes he's a complete spazz. He likes to run around without even being triggered into doing it.

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You go into your classroom at college. You see a girl crying quietly. You approach her and ask what's wrong. She looks at you and you notice that she looks exhausted, dark circles around her red eyes and it looks like she'd aged a little too. She says with a very painful tone"I'm tired of traveling in space and time. I can't do it anymore. I just don't want to. I want to be like everyone else".

Would you believe her? Would you think that's she's crazy? What would you do?