I just met this guy on the internet and before meeting, he says he wants me to ditch the birth control so we can start making babies! VERY unusual for me. He said I can talk to him, get to know him a little before deciding. He is very handsome, very sweet, but I barely know him at all. What do I tell him? He’s in his late 20’s so I’m guessing he just wants to start a family, which I understand, but a baby with someone he just met?! So weird! Angel

Yowser. In all our years of advising people about red flags during dating, this particular scenario has never come up. And that’s because it’s crazycakes with a side order of loony pie for anyone to want to have babies with someone they’ve never met (unless they’re in the market for an egg/sperm donor or surrogate). I’ll let our Manswers crack team knock some sense into you with their answers below. But for the record, I totally agree with them. This guy might be handsome and sweet but he’s also a beer short of a six-pack. Run, don’t walk, to the nearest exit. Change your email, cut contact. No good can come of a man wanting you to ditch the condoms and start a family after a few internet chats. If he wants to know why you’re not interested in housing and nuturing his offspring for the next nine months (and the 18 or so years after that), tell him you’re a person, not a uterus for hire. He should be wanting to buy you cocktails and take you dancing, not trying to wine and dine you into the obgyn’s suite. Also – God knows what his STI status is… what girl in their right mind would throw out protection without having mutual tests? Not you, Angel, that’s for sure. Sheesh. (By the way, for anyone who’s interested, the photo above is from cult blog www.studioarthur.co.uk – check it out for more of baby Arthur re-enacting famous movie scenes, taken by his photographer mother Emily Cleaver!)Love, reality chick

Manswers Man BB says… It’s a well known fact that blokes will say anything to get a gal between the sheets, but this takes the cake, Angel! Rather than just say ‘I want to have have lots of sex please’, which would be blunt and potentially a turn-off he throws the romantic curve ball of ‘I want to make babies with you’. You may be guessing that he ‘just wants to start a family’, but I’m guessing he is playing a well known tune, just in a different key. Run away, FAST! That is unless you are actually looking for a ‘donation’ of the swimming kind, in which case he sounds perfect! Just get the legal stuff sorted before you get down to business.

Manswers Man MrE says… Firstly, I don’t know your circumstances, but are you really considering this? Do you already have children? What do you know about this man? How long have you known him? Were you interested in having children before you met him? There are known cases of men who are compelled to impregnate multiple women due to a mental illness known as ‘reproductive abuser’. They commonly charm and promise the world to a woman, but the abuser loses interest once the child is born. It may not be his motive, but it does bear thinking about. Plus – putting aside the issues of AIDS or STDs for one moment – bringing a child into the world is a very serious commitment and not something anyone should take lightly. Its also a job for two people and one not easily performed should you be left, quite literally, holding the baby. In my opinion, it’s not something to consider with someone you are yet to actually MEET either. We can all fall head over heels but caution in the early stages is definitely called for here. If you want to pursue this path, do yourself a favor and make sure your prospective baby-daddy has an HIV test and is checked out for any STDs before you put your life at risk or that of an unborn child.

Manswers Man Dr Phil says…Umm. I would strongly recommend getting to know each other first. What’s the rush? You don’t know him – without wanting to sound paranoid (actually, no, be paranoid), I would be damn sure there was no ulterior motive!

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9 Comments

My first response to reading your email was a physical one, a little vom in the mouth. Im curious, when you say you chat online is he in the same country as you? Or does he think having a child with you when you meet in person for the first time will get him here no questions asked?
Besides being completely put off by the whole “don’t worry about geting to know the real, round the clock in person you – let me at your uterus” bit, I just can’t trust anyone who would even talk about that stuff before meeting in person. To me its an insecurity thing. He has NOTHING else to talk about already that he’s talking babies?
Run, no wait, seriously…. RUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNN girl – find someone 3D or that you already know in person as well, but ahhh lose this one – it will most likely end as quick as he proposed for it start.

Angel, honey, have a read of what you just wrote. Now picture someone else writing it, and you are reading it as we are – what would your very first thought be? Run with that one. Just in case your natural instinct is blinded by oh, I don’t know, a tall dark and handsome photo of some model cut and pasted, stick on your idiot detecting glasses and……..laugh! That is all this is worth.

Angel, OhMyGod!!!! (and I’m an atheist)
A very similar thing happened to me. I’ll save you the details, but the only thing I can say about my “let’s-have-babies” guy is that he and I had been friends for years; then he became my post-divorce lover, and a mutual friend of ours at that time gave me the piece I needed to fit that puzzle together: my lover-friend was an untreated bipolar…
Men in general don’t want to have babies straight away (some men don’t want to have any babies EVER, such as my second ex-husband). A very family-oriented man will want to see where the relationship is going before taking up such a lifelong commitment. I believe that you’ve got a fair bit of talking with this guy before you ditch him forever, but he certainly shows a kind of control pattern. The ancestral way to keep a woman under control is still called “pregnant, barefoot and in the kitchen”.
All the best, Lola

Ummm, you haven’t met him!!! He hasn’t met you! It’s a no brainer, just cut contact and get on with meeting someone a bit closer to normal….the fact that you’re writing to reality chick is a bit of a worry, maybe you found it flattering that he is talking about such serious stuff with you, and maybe you’re considering your options, but you really need to simply walk (run! run!) away.
If you’re in any doubt, talk to your friends who have babies (do any of them?), and ask them what it’s like to raise a child – it’s hard! I have two little kids with my husband who I’ve known for the better part of 20 years (together for over 10), we are the best team you can imagine and we still struggle sometimes as it’s the toughest gig you’ll face (especially when they don’t sleep…but I digress).
The point is, just tell him you’re not interested…or simply don’t answer him if you find that too difficult. If he changes his story to entice you to meet him, ignore it and chalk it up to a dating anecdote to tell your friends.

Quite apart from all the other concerns about this, my first thought was – will he expect to take the baby? If he really wants to start a family that badly could you be left not holding the baby? If you find after the deed is done he’s a weirdo (a very strong possibility) and you do get to keep the baby, you need to remember that he then has rights to see that baby, and you would be stuck with this guy in your life for years. Is he father material??? Will he respect your rights with regard to the baby? Is he SAFE???

Baby making is a serious business, and should not be done with a complete (or near complete) stranger because he feels the urge – and this guy sets off all kinds of alarm bells.

Yoohoo, people

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