The Indignity of Sharing A Bicycle: Saddle-Borne Scabies (Just Kidding!)

Sorry, but I have no interest in Dave Matthews or in Specialized bicycles, both of which make me think of fraternities, ratty baseball hats worn backwards, and plaid shorts with flip-flops worn right up through October. Therefore, when you put them both together the repellent effect is synergistic and I run screaming the other way.

Actually, that's not entirely true. My kid rides a Specialized, but it's just a gap bike for when his Vanilla is ready in 20 years. Sacha White's team of clairvoyant artisan bike-fitters use foraged herbs, sooth-saying, and lasers to accurately predict a child's adult proportions. Unfortunately, they can't predict future bottom bracket interfaces, so by the time the bike's finished it will already be obsolete.

Speaking of people who listen to Dave Matthews, check out this duder using the Citi Bike as his personal office and receiving a "high five" for doing so from his erstwhile fraternity bro:

("Duuude, that's aaah-some!"--Sneaker-Blazer Guy)

Yes, Citi Bike has profoundly altered the face of New York City cycling, telecommuting, and duder high-fives, though the system is not without its growing pains. (I mean the bike share system. As far as I know there's not a system for duder high-fives, though maybe they do find each-other via some "duder app" so they can slap hands during rush hour. I wouldn't know, I was never in a fraternity.) See, here's what the Citi Bike app looks like on your handheld smart phone device. I'm the blue dot, and I'm standing right at the station:

See how the bike share station balloons are two shades of blue? That's supposed to indicate how full or empty they are. So when I headed to the station to which the green arrow is pointing, I naturally assumed it was half-empty. (Yes, half-empty. I'm a pessimist. If I were the kind of optimistic hand-slapper who through things were half-full I'd be listening to Dave Matthews and spinning on a docked Citi Bike right now, waiting for high-fives.) However, as it turns out, it wasn't half-empty or half-full. It was totally empty, save for one bike with the seat turned around, which means that shit was broke:

Also, as I approached the station, I witnessed a woman checking out the very last working Citi Bike, and here she is salmoning away as she cradles her cellphone to her shoulder:

My first instinct was to give chase and insist she surrender the Citi Bike on the grounds that her behavior was highly illegal and if she didn't I'd turn her in to the NYPD. My second was to un-dock the broken Citi Bike anyway, since as far as I could tell all that was wrong with it was that it had a flat tire. So why not just "rim" the fucker to the next station and swap it out for a better bike? It's not like it's my bike, so who cares if I trash the wheel?

But then I realized that was silly, since there's a Citi Bike station roughly every four feet, so I might as well just walk to the next one. Here's me heading downtown to another dock:

("15 bikes my scranus!")

This station was also far emptier than the app indicated, but there were two working bikes:

However, when I approached, this guy told me the station wasn't working:

"Who the hell is this guy and what does he know?," I thought to myself as I inserted my key and discovered that he was exactly right.

By this time I'd inadvertently walked halfway to my destination, and a reasonable person would have simply said "Fuck it" and continued to do so. I, however, am not reasonable, and at this point I wanted a Cit Bike out of spite. In fact, I was prepared to continue walking past my destination if necessary, stopping only at the first Citi Bike station with a working bike in it, or at the Staten Island Ferry, whichever came first.

Fortunately, at the next station, I spied a bike waaay in the distance:

Actually, there were two bikes, and a guy in a green shirt was staring at one of them as if willing it to un-dock itself:

I was ready to fight him if necessary, but it wasn't, and I finally checked out a bike and rode it a mere ten blocks to my extremely important recreational beer-drinking appointment.

As far as I know, the guy in the green shirt is still there.

By the way, there have been a lot of complaints about Citi Bike, but how come nobody is outraged by the wanton seductresses who parade their wares at each station?

I assume they loiter there in order to take advantage of the sorts of rubes who think things are half-full. "Hey there, tiger. My Citi Bike key isn't working. Could you check out a bike for me? I don't want to be late for my waxing appointment. If you wait here for me I'll let you inspect it." Then they ride off into the sunset, never to return.

Actually, maybe that's what happened to green shirt guy.

At any rate, once I had my Citi Bike, I joined what in New York City these days is actually shaping up to be something like a bicycle rush hour:

Though as soon as the light changes, the attacks begin--and not the Cat 6 attacks, either. No, I mean the "dooring" attacks, visible in the distance:

Note the silver car parked in the buffer, and how the passenger flings his door open and leaves it there like it's trawling for tuna:

Note also the New York State plaque indicating the driver is a judge or something (I didn't actually stop to look at it and my shitty photography renders it unreadable) and thus part of a vast anti-cycling conspiracy:

I also attempted to get a shot of the shitty passenger responsible for the dooring attempt:

Sadly I failed, but I did at least get a shot of the numbnuts in the passenger seat:

Honestly, I don't really care if these guys want to sit around in the middle of traffic rubbing their schlongs because they're in the government mafia, but could you at least just close the fucking door please?

Fuck you very much, I appreciate it.

Next come the attacks from the pedestrians:

I suspect that at least 75% of the people who complain about sidewalk cyclists have no idea that they're actually walking in the fucking bike lane:

("Loving these new green sidewalks!")

I also suspect that the guy in the business casual attire is schlepping a duffel bag full of body parts:

As for this guy, clearly he found himself on the wrong side of the scaffolding, didn't want to walk over the grates lest he fall through and join the C.H.U.D.s, and so now he's making his phobia your problem:

He'll be penning an angry anti-cyclist screed to the New York Post as soon as he gets home.

Inner tubes are notably rare on other high-performance vehicles, so why are we still using them on bicycles? While they're not always the easiest to set up, I can't think of many good reasons why most riders shouldn't go tubeless.

I dunno, belt drives are rare on high-performance motorcycles but that doesn't stop the bicycle tech geeks from "foffing off" all over them. Also, other high-performance vehicles go 100mph and have tires that weigh more than my entire bike; meanwhile, I can fold up a bicycle tire and stick it in my jersey pocket. So maybe we're still using inner tubes on bicycles because they work and you can repair them like a million times, and also this:

The biggest obstacle to widespread acceptance of tubeless, however, continues to be convenience. While you can easily swap a tubed tire in less than five minutes, stubborn tubeless tires can take far longer and sometimes require a compressor to properly seat the bead. Then there's the messiness of sealant — especially if you blow a tire off the rim.

Sounds really fucking annoying. It's remarkable how inconvenient the cycling industry wants the bicycle to be. Plus, I don't think any of those high-performance vehicles (whose owners never repair their own flats anyway) require ejaculating sealant into the tires on a regular basis. I certainly don't squirt Stan's into my car tires, and I didn't do it when I had a motorcycle, either--though my motorcycle did use inner tubes.

Sure, I do like the tubelessness on my mountain bicycling cycle so I can keep my tires all mushy, but on a Fred bike it just seems like a pain in the scranus.

Nevertheless, clearly it's only a matter of time before every Fred bike has electronic shifting, hydrolic dick breaks, a gigantic pain-in-the-ass press-in bottom bracket, and impossible-to-mount tires brimming with spermy sealant, so when it breaks you'll have to bring it in to the local dealership for a "diagnostic" and have your tires mounted and spin-balanced with a machine.

I hada rental boingy boingy mtn bike, scratch that, 29er, and I got a puncture in the rear, whilst descending, and it went spsssschhht and sprayed my hairy legs with some uber goo, and it dried, and it looked like I had foffed off in the shower for a few days afterwards. So I did.

I can think of at least four good reasons for not going tubeless on the road: (1) Have to buy special wheels, (2) have to by special tires, (3) mounting and inflating tubeless tires is often a pain in the ass, and (4) standard tires and tubes work pretty well about 99.9% of the time.

I would happily go tubeless I were to buy a new road bike and it came with too-blay tires and wheels, But I am not going to rush out and buy expensive new wheels and tires for my fred sled just because James Huang and Lennard Zinn choose to prattle on about the joys of tubelessness.

"...stubborn tubeless tires can take far longer and sometimes require a compressor to properly seat the bead."

Ha! I can't tell, is James Wang Chung trying to talk me INTO tubeless or OUT of it? It's like those TV ads for drugs that list a long litany of what can happen to you if you're stupid enough to take them. "Risks of Scranusib include heart palpitations and possible death. Contact your doctor immediately if you experience dizziness, erectile dysfunction, explosive diarrhea or painful sores while taking Scranusib. Those with shingles or heart problems, such as having no heart, should avoid Scranusib" etc.

My Madrone came with Hutchinson tubeless tires and while you can ride them a little under inflated for comfort if you wish, they are a pain in the ass to change out due to a flat. And, they are 88$.My next bike will have Mavic rims, 800 spokes triple crossed and tubes.

Bikesnob, SRSLY, it's time to take inventory of what this blog is all about. It's called bike snob for Lob's sake, and here you have people taking about how badass recumbents are, and how sexy their riders are once you look past the socks and sandals.

Pinche tubeless. Just what I need, some sperm-a-goo to baste myself in while I'm rolling around on the ground trying to wrestle my tube and tire back on the rim. Sealant has been known to cause Scranusid, btw.

huh, and here I thought WIWM is the only one obsessed with my sex life.

21 year old is addicted to the schmeckle. 50% of the time we ride with anger, 25% of the time we smoke hella dank herbs, the other 25% she talks incessantly and drives me to the brink. I'm not sure how much more I can take. Almost not worth it, almost..

Also, she is truely terrifying behind the wheel of a car.

28 year old artist moved to Portland. She is already selling work. I am going to go visit her soon. I really like her, though am not as sexually attracted to her. I generally find I am more attracted to women that I have no interest in talking to... sometimes I wish I could have four women, each optimized for one of the four types of love.... four Greek words for love: affection, friendship, eros, and charity

My ex came at visited me recently. I don't think I will ever get over her... the rare hot redhead... I think she can tell when I am almost going to forget about her. I am powerless to resist her.

Snob's story sounds just like the last time I was in London, and couldn't find a working bike for love nor money one morning. When the system works, it's great, but don't rely on it for getting you somewhere on time...

Greeting Dooth, Speaking of Citi Bikes, Wikipedia reports that there are 535 bike-sharing programmes around the world comprising of and estimated 517,000bicycles. Except for NYC, that's a good thing, right? P.S. "The countries with the most systems are Spain(132), Italy (104), and China (79)." It is definitely a Cat 6 world.

Howdy JB, As you are no doubt aware, there are a few very vocal anti-car bicycle cyclists out there who believe no motorist is a friend and will condemn any motorist, bike rack or no bike rack. "THERE ARE NO GOOD CARS" You know what I mean.

Ha CJ you must have really done the redhead wrong cuz that is exactly how I torture my ex-boyfriend. At about the right time I text him a picture of my kitty. Drives him wild because he loved my kitty & misses her something awful. Approx. 5 minutes later he calls on both the cell and office phone. I ignore all calls and let them go to voice mail. Precisely three days later I call him back with a casual, "What's going on?" Repeat every two and 1/2 months. And it never gets old, so you might as well get used to it.

So why is the Citibike app so inaccurate? Latency issues? There can't be that much activity to empty half the stable in such a short time. Why the heck can't they display an actual number instead of just shading the icon? Also, maybe those wealthy people who don't like the program are willing to just check bikes out and keep them out and just pay the rent. Kind of a stretch, I know, and leaves the begriming racks themselves, but if people encounter unavailability and uncertainty for just a few weeks they may swear off it altogether.

Is this good enough for the winy blog readers that post asking for the "old" BSNYC back? It sure reads like it! I loving reading whatever BSNYC writes in this blog. Be thankful before it goes BYE BYE. NIGHT, NIGHT TOFRUMTMUE...

They gots loaner bikes in Paris and Lyon. Great for tourists- except- you gots to have a credit card with a microchip for them to work. Oops- that means us 'Mericans are just shit outta luck. Sorry. They didn't do it on purpose.

You did have a very great experience. I do not actually bike everyday but, there are just times when I'd love to bike to go to work. The person on insensitively open his door was not really right. He could have hit the person. I hope that those people who are also driving cars should respect cyclist. -www.naturasil.com

Sponsored Linkway:

About Me

While I love cycling and embrace it in all its forms, I'm also extremely critical. So I present to you my venting for your amusement and betterment. No offense meant to the critiqued. Always keep riding!