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I Give Up!

I’m having one of those days when I wonder what on earth I’m doing, if I have any freaking clue at all (about anything) and if I really shouldn’t just ditch the whole thing and start all over again.

Have you ever felt like that?

I don’t even know what it is I want to ditch to be honest, but everything just feels … UGH. And I know, I know, the fact that the day is as grey as grey can be and it is also freezing, raining, just plain miserable in general AND the kids have been underfoot whinging non-stop plus I’m sick as well … well sure. None of these things are helping. But it’s more than that. It’s something deeper, more annoying, more REAL.

It’s that voice inside my head telling me –

You’re not doing a good enough job.

Your business isn’t grown up enough.

YOU aren’t grown up enough.

You don’t have your shit together.

It’s all just a big fucking mess!

What on earth do you think you’re DOING?

I suppose the empowered thing to do when these thoughts come to mind would be to bouy myself up with reminders of all the cool things I’ve achieved, how my tribe love me, how far I’ve come and how much I (usually) DO love my business and feel ‘in the zone’, but honestly?

I don’t think it’s always about having to get your game face back on right away.

I think that it’s okay to wallow a little at times, and if not to wallow then at least to WONDER, and ask –

What ARE these feelings about?

Are they just reflective of a somewhat all over the place week in which for various reasons I’ve felt frustratingly unable to do the amount of writing and work I really like to be able to do, or is there more to it than that?

Is there something here I need to actually look at?

Am I hiding from myself in some way?

Is there something that I’m AVOIDING that perhaps I DO need to think about?

(Or, you know, do I just need to smash back another coffee and man the fuck up and do some work?!)

Sometimes – often, actually – when I’m feeling a bit meh and unmotivated and ‘what’s the point anyway’ the best thing really IS to just smash down a coffee and start doing the fucking work. Action begets action, after all. And clarity.

But sometimes?

Those shitty grumpy nobody likes me and I’m not a real adult feelings are there for a reason.

For me the real thing that’s bugging me, if I dig to the core of it and get honest with myself, is I don’t feel I’m ALLOWING my business to grow in the way that it could be. I’m not leveraging my content or creation in the way I could be. And I’m flat out not achieving the kind of growth I WANT to be. Not because I think I ‘should’ be growing at any particular pace but because I WANT to be reaching more people with my message. Making more money, sure, of course, but ultimately I want to see my writing and speaking having an IMPACT on millions of people around the world, and inspiring them to press play all out in business and in life.

My big scary INSANE crazy awesome dream is to be the most successful and well-known female motivational author and speaker in the world.

And the truth? The INFURIATING truth for which I really have nobody to blame but myself?

I’m barely making an impact at all, in the scheme of the impact I want to be making.

Don’t get me wrong; I’m not downplaying the work I’ve done, the lives I’ve transformed, the results I’ve achieved and helped others to achieve as well. I’m so freaking grateful for my community and all that I’m able to do as a result of what the internet makes possible. But just because what I HAVE done and even what I AM doing is awesome doesn’t mean I can ignore the fact that I’m actively NOT fully pressing play all the way.

So here’s the problem beneath the problem though. And I hope that my sharing this with you helps you to maybe find a little more clarity around your own shit, particularly perhaps the stuff you resist that, you know, you want more than anything. So therefore, you know, you largely ignore and don’t take action on.

Obviously.

The PROBLEM with my problem is that I don’t wanna do so much of the stuff I think I need to do to go ‘all the way big’.

I RESIST the whole IDEA of having a grown up business.

I just want to write and speak intuitively and from the heart and create merrily along my way, going with the flow and wherever my soul takes me!

I do NOT want to drive marketing campaigns.

I do NOT want to track (or in any way manage, implement, install, etc) Facebook ads.

I do NOT want to have to network or engage in groups aside from my own ones in order to get my name out there.

I do NOT want to have to show up on multiple social media platforms.

I do NOT want to test and tweak and track my funnels. I pretty much don’t want to test and tweak and track anything, except for tracking my income. I like doing that 🙂

I do NOT want to have to take time to think about writing better headlines so that my emails get higher opens and more people read my stuff.

I do NOT want to have to ‘remember’ to do live Periscopes (that’s the kind of thing I want to just do off the cuff if I feel like it not because I think I ‘should’ do it).

I do NOT want to have to work out how to get more people reading my Amazon books … or any of my stuff …. I just want them to find it and read it!

I do NOT want to have to improve upon my sales processes via any sort of analysis or testing.

I do NOT want to have to figure out how to improve the conversion rate of my free gift or any of my landing pages, nor do I want to have to create landing pages or associated emails or indeed anything associated to anything at all ‘strategic’.

I do NOT want to have to stay on top of emails, messages, task lists or admin.

I do NOT want to have to create, manage or at all worry about setting up affiliate stuff for my business.

I do NOT want to have to actively do lead gen stuff that requires anything except me writing or speaking from the heart.

I do NOT, in a very succinct and RATHER fantasy-based nutshell, have to do ANYTHING except show up every day and work my magic as an artist, creator and revolutionary fucking leader!

I don’t wanna wanna wanna WANNA have to be a real grown-up entrepreneur and do ANY of that grown-up real business shit and what’s more I really ideally don’t want to even have to THINK about or KNOW about it!

I just. want. to. write! And speak! And create! And lead from the heart in a way that feels AMAZING and based on what’s being GIVEN or DOWNLOADED to me and what I know will help people!

And the thing that’s BUGGING me, the reason I’m so grumpy not really just today, ’cause it’s been building up for a while now, is that I know that all of that stuff I just said I DON’T wanna have to do?

I really do have to do.

It really DOES have to be done.

I’ve done a pretty fucking awesome job (if I do say so) flying by the seat of my pants to build my business to 7-figures just by showing up and working my content-creation magic, and pretty much just flinging it out there, but the thing I didn’t tell you earlier about my Big Fucking Scary Insane Dream?

It’s a 200 million dollar dream.

The dream I’ve been GIVEN, the calling I KNOW I will fulfil, is to build my business to 200 million dollars. And I guess once I get there I’ll probably keep going, but right now that’s the number. Which means not only a lot more writing and speaking to come (AWESOME) but a lot of Grown-Up Business Growth Stuff required in order to get my message in front of enough people and create the leveraged products, processes and brand that will take me to that level of financial and personal impact.

So, you know, time to put my big grown-up person pants on, right?

Except –

The only thing is …

I didn’t build this business to where it is now by focusing on grown-up shit. I DID focus on that stuff (all the I don’t wanna stuff) for a good few years and what it got me was a nervous breakdown and near bankruptcy coupled with the LOSS of connection to my true core and message which in turn resulted in me hating my business and almost my life.

So, I did the smartest thing I’ve ever done and STOPPED FUCKING DOING STUFF I DIDN’T WANT TO DO.

And the less I worried about grown up shiz and all the stuff a real business woman SHOULD be doing, and the more I just merrily created on my way?

The more money I made.

And the greater impact I left.

And the faster my TRUE tribe grew.

So …

I don’t know what your thoughts on the matter are, and I’m just thinking aloud here, but doesn’t it seem, I don’t know, KIND OF FUCKING STUPID that I should even SUGGEST that in order to get to the next level (even though yes 1 million to 200 million is a fairly big jump) that I would need to, well –

Stop being who I am …?

Stop doing what got me here …?

HALT the approach that’s not only built me a million dollar biz but allowed me to do so totally on my terms and by doing what I love …?!

All so that, what? I can metaphorically don my shoulder-padded Big Girl suit and start doing Official Biz Shiz just because I see other people doing that and it makes me feel like I’m not a real grown-up and question what I KNOW in my soul to be true??!

Pretty.

Fucking.

Stupid.

Only problem of course with this EMPOWERING talk abut how I won’t back down is that all of that stuff I listed above really DOES need to get done.

I gotta do it.

It HAS to happen, if I want the growth I want.

So do you know what I’m gonna do?

Can you guess?

Isn’t it obvious?!

I’m not going to do any of it.

I mean, I haven’t really been doing any of it anyway. I’ve been SORTA doing it and I’ve been letting a lot of it HANG over me, contract me, and take a really quite ridiculous amount of energy away from me considering that in practical terms I’m barely spending any time on it .

But I’m going to now OFFICIALLY not do any of it.

I’m not going to even TRY to do any of it!

I’m even going to stop THINKING about it as much.

And what I’m going to do, is what any true creator should be doing from as very early on as possible if not sooner, and I’m going to PAY OTHER PEOPLE TO DO THAT SHIT.

All of it.

And then some.

Now I realise this is not revolutionary thinking …

And yes I DO already have a pretty great support staff …

But the truth is my team support me primarily with admin and customer service. I have honestly up until THIS VERY MOMENT still felt that ‘if it’s to be it’s down to me’ with ALL of the business growth parts of my business.

I’ve been the creator / artist / leader who is also then trying to produce and promote her art. And I’ve been doing a fucking terrible job of the latter.

So as much as I could keep doing it …

(badly)

And as much as I do believe you should be ABLE to understand and even dip into every important part of your business …

Today is the day when I officially admit – announce – and accept – that I’m here to create.

I’m here to write and speak and lead and create. From the heart. From intuition. From flow.

And what I BELIEVE in my heart of hearts, when I stop all the noise and all the ‘shoulding’ and just listen within is that the way I will grow my business to $200 million and create the associated impact is by writing and speaking and leading and creating.

So from now on that’s what I’m going to do.

I am an ARTIST.

I am a CREATOR.

I am a WRITER.

I am a SPEAKER.

I am GUIDED from within.

I can READ you and know EXACTLY what you need, what to say to you so you GET it and are TRANSFORMED.

But I am not a marketer.

I am not a lead gen expert.

I am not a sales queen.

I am not very nearly all or perhaps any of the things that an entrepreneur ‘must’ be.

Yes I can do those things.

Yes I can even ‘succeed’ with them if I truly apply myself.

But what I cannot do, no matter how hard I try, is wear every or even many hats in my business and simultaneously show up and steal the show away with my art from the heart.

I know it’s not easy, to let go of the reins.

I know that it’s not always possible, either.

But I also know this –

If you’re an artist, a creator, a leader with a message within then it is NOT just that focusing on that stuff fuels you and is the most fun part of your business. It’s not that you GET to do that stuff so long as you take care of ALL THE OTHER STUFF.

And in letting GO of the ridiculous idea that in order to be a real grown up and run a real business you have to do anything except what YOU were put on this earth to do.

Is this ridiculous, fantastical, extreme and just not realistic, to think you can really build a business and life COMPLETELY on your terms, to think you can be SUPPORTED such that all you have to do is just show up and work your magic?

Probably, yes. Which is exactly why most people reading this will smile at my delusions or simply claim that it’s all very well but it’s not PRACTICAL or realistic.

Which is also exactly why most people born to create and lead from the heart will never fully get to do that, not all the way.

But shoving my calling into a corner while I do busy work just because it ‘has’ to be done instead of simply DECIDING that it can bloody well GET done but not by me, instead of just refusing to back down from anything less than FULLY living my dream?

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