It’s still a little unreal to me, to have my son’s acceptance. I didn’t realize it was important to me. I didn’t think I was attached to it.

I know my sons love me, and accept me as they can. They don’t not accept me, but some things are harder than others to learn about me. It’s partly my fault, with protecting them so much, but I wanted them to learn about me and my lifestyle in a more consensual way than how I’ve seen other parents do it.

I don’t want my poly, power exchange, swinging, sacred sexuality priestess, bi, preferences to be in their face. They know little bits and ask questions when they want to. But, they also know that if they ask a question, they will get answered and sometimes they don’t want to know the answer.

I keep asking my daughter in law if my oldest son is ready to hear some of this. She keeps her ear open and so far the answer is no. That’s ok. He saw me go through a really hard time in our poly growth, though I’m not sure he knew it was about poly. He just knew that I was happy happy and then I wasn’t and it had to do with my relationship with Dan. Because he didn’t want to know, I couldn’t really share with them the details, which is probably for the best.

Well, over the last year or so, my youngest has been asking more questions about what it is that we do. A little bit of this a little bit of that. Sometimes my answer will lead him to ask a question without thinking, from being surprised at my answer. This has lead to ripe opportunities of being able to teach him some definitions and lingo of my communities.

A couple of weeks ago, we had our poly pod dinner. We knew the youngest was going to be home alone, and that someone in the pod was bringing their 18 year old daughter. So, we tried to entice him to the dinner with the idea that there would be an available girl to hit on.

He is 23, so 18 is a little young for him. But, he gave us a ‘maybe’ to our invite. Well, because it looked like he actually might be interested in joining us, we let him know that it was a poly pod dinner and our other partners would be there. He paused, then declined.

Later, he texted me and let me know that it was not that it was a poly pod dinner per se, but he’s never met our other partners and it was going to be 10 people he didn’t know. He is an introvert and not ready for meeting so many people. He also let me know that he’d love to support me and if it was important to me for him to meet my boyfriend, he’d go out to dinner with us. As long as we didn’t go overboard with public displays of affection. He didn’t think he could handle seeing someone else do that with his mom.

Thinking back, it took him awhile to get used to see me with Dan. So, kudos for him in knowing what would make this easier for him in his support of me.

Wow. Makes me teary just thinking about it. He likes that I support him with his choices and now he’s going to return the favor. What a son.

In the mean time, the older son isn’t ready. Yet, he doesn’t judge me. He just doesn’t want to share in that part yet. I’m perfectly ok with that. As long as he’s not negative about it, which he’s never been….I still consider him being supportive.

One of the things that I was able to experience during the weekend of Beyond The Love, was getting my picture taken both with my husband and my boyfriend. Unfortunately, I didn’t think to get them done together. That would have been awesome.

But, the fact that I was able to get one done with the boyfriend, is totally new for me. Dan and I have always shared a girlfriend, but this is only the second time that I’ve had a boyfriend on my own. The first one, just wasn’t like this one. I’m really enjoying myself with this one.

So, I’m going to post the pics here. I’m curious to see what it will feel like to see them together.

This time last year, I had the opportunity to have a characature done of us at a Christmas party, and I refused. We had only been for a few months and I didn’t feel like we were solid enough to do something like that. I’m weird. I know.

Last Saturday night, I tagged along with my boyfriend and his wife to a poly social event. Part of me was excited to be trying something new, but the other part of me was nervous because I wasn’t sure if I’d know anyone. It was a lot of fun, but I didn’t know most of the people there, which means I was very uncomfortable to begin with. Some people knew me, though I didn’t recognize them, so I wasn’t sure who to introduce myself to…..not that I’m comfortable with introducing myself anyway.

So, as in introvert that likes to study people, including herself, I decided to watch my actions in such a setting. D’art and Michele had been there before, so knew some of the people. I decided to tag along with D’art, though I did make sure to do some things by myself. I would tag along with him to the smoking porch a couple of times, but stayed in a rocking chair we decided to camp out in for most of our time there.

He made it very comfortable for me to be there. I sat with him, and we took turns in the comfy chair. People would come over and talk to me, or when I ended up on the porch by myself, I ended up having a great conversation there with a guy named Adam.

It was fun watching one guy tell the girl that was rubbing his back, that he was an introvert and her response was ‘oh goodie, I’m an extrovert and I like making introverts uncomfortable.’ She was joking but it was neat watching them interact jokingly with each other. Honestly though, she was a cutey and I would have loved for her to pick on this introvert like that. She would have gotten some purrs for sure. (especially with the mood I’ve been in for the last few days)

We had a lot of fun. I wish there had been an opening on the couch though so that we could have snuggled. But, that probably would have gotten us in trouble with the PG-13 police.

So, as an introvert, I noticed that I did much better sitting on the floor or in the comfy chair and talking with one person at a time. I also did well out on the porch talking to one person. But, at the beginning of the evening when I walked into the house behind Michele and no one was introducing me around…not so good. If I had gone on my own, I wouldn’t have lasted more than a half hour of standing around awkwardly eating potluck foods, standing by myself.

I have to remember to make a point to reach out to other introverts that are sitting or standing by themselves. The bad point is, I saw two people doing this, and I had the idea of going up to them and talking, but I had no clue what to say or how to start a conversation. If it was my event, it would have been easier. ‘Welcome’ or ‘ I’m dawn and this is my home’. But, as someone that had never been there before, I’m not sure how to say ‘hi’ and keep a conversation going. Isn’t that weird?

All in all though, it was a great time. I’m sorry to hear that they won’t be doing many more because they don’t like that many people in their home. I would have loved to have brought Dan.

Have you ever had that moment where it strikes you that you love someone more than they could ever love you?

How do you handle it? Do you believe it has something to do with you? Or just that that is the way they are designed? Or how you are designed? Or?

For me, at the moment, it just is what it is. I’ve had this realization before, and then I forget. When I forget, I start having expectations that they just can’t live up to. I don’t like having expectations of people, and when I catch myself having them, I try to talk myself out of them. But, every now and then it catches me by surprise.

‘If someone loved me as much as I love them, they would…….’, ‘If they really loved me they would know….’, ‘If they truly loved me they would….’. Regardless of how it’s stated in my head, or how I feel about a situation, it seems that my thought process is that I love them more than they could ever love me.

What I have to remember is that we all love differently. Introverts, extroverts, the 5 love languages, our personal filters, what we consider love….all of it effects how we love others. Even our day to day experiences can effect how we love others.

And for all I know, they are asking themselves the same thing…..’do they love me as much as I love them?’. Because they see my actions as different than how they would act when they are in love.

And then the question, ‘what is love?’ begs to be asked.

Wow….I started this little writing to lament over how I love someone more than they will ever be able to love me. That they aren’t in love with me as much as I’m in love with them. And instead, I’ve convinced myself that they do, they just show it in a different way and I need to not be attached to the ways they show their love.

I feel like I should have had an epiphany over the weekend. Beyond the Love 2014 was a HUGE success. The whole polypod was there, many on staff. We all seemed to get along. We had a turnout that wasn’t expected. I was able to handle ‘bouncing’ someone, without a seconds thought.

I didn’t feel like I was constantly nagging Dan for attention, since my boyfriend was there as well. I got to dance, a lot. I had my first professional photo taken with a secondary partner and he was ok with having it taken. I got to play kissy face with two guys within seconds of each other.

People enjoyed our presenters, the classes, the opening/closing ceremonies, the give-aways, the flirt board, the flirt dots, the silent auction. It all seemed to flow smoothly for the most part.

Though, I didn’t get to sit in on any classes this year. Totally my fault. I chose classes that I wanted to see and then didn’t make a point to see them. Maybe that’s why do ‘aha’ moments for me? I was the facilitator this time around, instead of the receiver? I don’t know.

We were interviewed by a reporter. Still no ‘aha’ moments. I said the same things I had said before over the last 15 years.

We also taught a class together on being an introvert. Still no ‘aha’. I just shared stuff that I’ve experienced.

It was an amazing experience. Absolutely, totally amazing. Time spent with both of my partners. Time getting to know some people that I had met briefly before. Meeting those I’d never met before, and spending time with those I had known a long time. Lots of combinations of people.

I think someone was flirting with me. I may have to ask him outright one day, because now that I look back, I think he’s been flirting with me for a long time.

I don’t want to fret too much about not having an ‘aha’….simply because the Universe likes to smack me upside the head if I whine too much.