Thursday, June 21, 2012

DAY 44- A Lump in my Breast

Today I went to the doctor to have her look at a lump in my
breast. She obviously couldn’t do much more than direct me to make an
appointment at another clinic for an ultrasound, and of course to assure me
that it’s probably a cyst or a benign tumor. However, like many human beings
who have been in this situation before me, I am confronted by the experience of
the possibility of cancer in a more real and imminent way than before I
discovered the lump. I don’t feel an experience of fear within me at the thought
of an early death or the possibility of cancer and chemo, but I’m going to
forgive these future projections anyways because I may be suppressing it,
keeping it together and ‘staying strong,’ because what’s the point of reacting
in any way, when I don’t know the answer and there’s nothing I can do but wait
for it? However, I cried on the way home from the doctor’s office because of
the experience of self-pity, but also as a release of stress/anxiety from
having to wait three days before actually going to the doctor and getting
things moving.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to pity
myself because I found a lump in my breast and now I have to deal with getting
it checked out and waiting for results.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/desire
pity from others because I have a lump in my breast.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want
people to act differently around me now and then get angry when they act
differently and get angry when they don’t act differently instead of realizing
that I’m projecting myself on to everyone because I am angry at the existence
of cancer and what it does to people and what it could do to me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to pity
myself because of the sad cancer stories I’ve seen in media, television and
movies that I have copy and pasted into myself and judged thus creating and
manifesting this experience of self-pity and being a victim because I have judged
those with cancer in the media, television and movies as sad victims.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge
myself as a sad victim.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to
experience myself as a sad victim because I found a lump in my breast.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to
experience myself as a sad victim because I found a lump in my breast, instead
of standing up within the realization that nothing is different about who I am,
and who I am remains the same no matter what changes in my external
environment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project
in to the future about having to undergo chemo and getting sick and not being
able to work, and identifying that as a sad yet heroic event because of how I’ve
seen it portrayed in movies, on television and in the media.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear
chemo treatments and becoming sick and invalid during the treatment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear
losing my health and having to depend on others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear
having to depend on others because I judge it as weak and limiting.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge
receiving assistance and support from others at certain times where that is
required, as weak and limiting, instead of realizing and understanding that one
must utilize the support within one’s environment when it is required.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear
having cancer.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear
having manifested cancer for myself because of and due to self-suppression.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react
in anger towards the thought of manifesting cancer for myself through
self-suppression because I did not understand or realize how to be any other
way, instead of taking that anger and bringing it Here, and working with it, as
it, toward stopping self-suppression.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the fear of
cancer to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear
dying young.

No comments:

Post a Comment

About Me

Hi, my name is Kimberly Kline (nee Doubt). I stand for an Equal Money System- I stand for a dignified life for all beings and I will no longer accept or allow this system of human greed and self-interest that is causing suffering, starvation and abuse for the masses. Every 'solution' we have tried so far has failed- from the United Nations to the United Church. Individual self-change and leadership by example is where it's at. I humbly commit myself to this process and invite anyone who has respect for Life to join me and walk with me, beside me, as self-willed equals, until all are free from the global compromise humanity has created for itself.
Join Desteni for further discussions about world systems and humanity's place within them. Visit Desteni.org and Equalmoney.org.