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Saturday, October 29, 2011

Stand or Lean: taking your own crisis on.

Its been an interesting couple of weeks. I had surgery on my spine a few weeks ago, which was kind of tough enough. During that time, I had another unrelated traumatic event happen, which was really frightening. It put me on precarious footing while I was trying to heal. I wasn't really sure which way was up, and I found myself confused and isolated, longing for the reality of the situation to be different.

I didn't want to be in this situation, I feel like I've worked hard to get to a place where my life is relatively calm and drama free. I'm finally more financially stable, my kids are for the most part happy and comfortable, and their dad has settled into his new life well. We are all sort of trundling along, and I had found myself thinking, great! We did it!

And then the shit hit the fan. This isn't a post about the particulars of that situation, but what followed; how to wander back out of the wilderness of unexpected trauma or crisis without getting swamped. Or, if you are swamped, (I did at one point say "I'm out of my depth. This is too much."), how to find the help you need to get back on your own two feet and start walking again.

The Oogie Boogie Man - he's BACK!

There is a fine line between being needy and asking for what you need, between being held captive and defined by the crisis and facing and processing it.

I think so often when something happens, we bury it down deep, knowing that we don't want to send other people into crisis, or upset those around us that we love. Sometimes we get concerned about how our story will impact others, and so we hide it.

There are other impetus for hiding or boxing up something that happens, sometimes we think if we ignore it, it will go away, its impact, its importance, and then we can just get back to normalcy.

But that's not really how it works.

I know that looking right at the thing that happens is terrifying. I also know that its the only way to push through and heal.

When I was younger, I had PTSD from some childhood trauma. As a result, I used to see bogeymen. I was afraid of the dark. Most kids are afraid of the dark, so even if you didn't have PTSD, you can probably relate. Every once in a while our imagination gets away from us, and our anxiety about what MIGHT be, even if its terribly impractical, gets the better of us.

That's called surrendering to the contingency. Fear of what might be takes over and paralysis ensues.

This is where you stare down the thing that scares you.

And sometimes, you have to do that with some help. Sometimes the thing that scares you is just too big to be tackled alone. And I guess the next question would be, can you look for support without dragging others down with you? Can you reach out for contact and connection but still look for your own feet?

Can you own your piece of this, knowing that ultimately, the responsibility for healing is yours alone?

Can you do that without alienating and martyring yourself?

Can you find the friend that can listen and allow yourself space to process what you need to trusting that they are holding space for you? Yes, I'm talking about crying, snotting into your hankie, and making some tea. Can you let a sympathetic ear be an ear and a hug, and move forward from there?

Crisis is like a whirlpool, it wants to drag you in to the bottom, and when you are there, the weight of it can be oppressive. We often want to lay in the bottom of it and have company down there.

I guess I've been working on accepting that its okay to be in the bottom of the whirlpool, sometimes things happen in life that create crisis like that. But can I be there without letting it define me?

Ask for help. Then, try it on your own.

Can I look around and say, well, its appropriate that I'm upset and in a hard place, because I just went through something that was scary, out of the norm, something that shook me. But I don't have to live here. I need to see, with open eyes, that which is real, look right at what happened, and at the same time, let go of my personal indignation, my fear, my pain. I can take this time as an opportunity to practice acceptance instead of another obstacle placed in front of me.

When the bogeymen of my past presented themselves, I had to learn that, in the end, it was my job to dispel the myth of them. They existed because of something real and frightening, but ultimately, I had to decide if I wanted to be stuck in the box of the fact of them, or let go and move on. If I'm not willing to own my own fears and try it on my own, I'm choosing to stay right where I am.

It took a while, but I decided that when I found a place that was full of fear, my job was not to hide, turn on the light, or have someone look behind the shower curtain for me. My job was to take a deep breath, breathe out slowly, look right at the thing that scared me, and walk toward it. Into it. Through it. Out of it.

I took to walking around the house in the pitch dark on purpose, finding the longest, scariest, most circuitous route I could to wherever I was headed in order to prove to myself that my fear, no matter how real it was, no matter how honestly it was come by, should not own me.

One day, I walked to the bathroom in the middle of the night and didn't realize until I was tucking back into bed that it hadn't occurred to me to be scared. Something had shifted.

I didn't do it all alone, I had to lean, but in order to conquer it, ultimately, I had to stand alone and face the demon all by myself. I had to want to heal enough to find courage.

One of the best parts of that adventure was realizing that people who care for us don't always know how to help us best. We often impose on them the idea that they should know what we need, isn't it obvious? Something terrible happened. You should feel and act this way automatically.

I think we often forget that everyone has their own triggers and fears, their own construct defined by the life that they lived. And whatever situation we find ourselves in may very well trigger the fears and concerns of those who care for us.

It takes time, but eventually, you can walk on your own.

And they can't give you what you need unless you ask for it clearly. This is asking for what you need rather than being needy. I think neediness comes when we need help, and impose on those around us some sort of fantastic idea of how people should give to us or support us. Now you are just compounding your issue, you've been through something tough, and you are now looking for your family and friends to come to your aid in the way you most need them, but you aren't asking for what you need. You are choosing to stay in the bottom of the whirlpool, hoping someone will lay down there with you.

What a wonderful opportunity this has been to learn once again to stand on my feet and walk through the dark. Thanks to those who stood on the other side, encouraging me.

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Currently, Jonathan spends his northern hemisphere winters as the Training Manager for the Ski & Snowboard Schools of Aspen/Snowmass and as an Examiner and Alpine Committee Chair for PSIA-Rocky Mountain Division. In the other winter (deep south), Jonathan works as a trainer for the Rookie Academy and an examiner and education coordinator for the New Zealand Snowsports Instructors Alliance. Click on the photo to view Jonathan's You Tube channel full of inspiring skiing demonstrations!

Kate's Team 2016: Physical Conditioning: Bill Fabrocini

Bill Fabrocini PT, OCS, CSCS, and former physical therapist and strength coach of Olympic Snowboard champions Gretchen Bleiler and Chris Klug. Bill is currently the rehabilitation and conditioning advisor to the Chivas de Gaudalajara professional soccer team n Mexico, and strength coach to professional cyclist Tejay Van Garderen. Click on the photo to explore Bill's Tumblr blog, filled with videos on conditioning for athletes.

Kate's Team 2016: Mental Coaching: Thomas Crum

Thomas Crum is an author and presenter in the fields of conflict resolution, peak performance, and stress management. He is known throughout the world for his interactive live presentations and his three best-selling books. Recent clients include the NFL’s Miami Dolphins and the Navy SEALs. Click on the image to read more about coaching by Tom Crum.

Kate's Team 2016: Training Partner: Kurt Fehrenbach

Kurt was a member of the 2008 National Alpine Team and is currently an Examiner for PSIA RM and a verifier for Aspen/Snowmass. He and Kate have been training and adventuring together for over eight years.

Kate's Team 2016: Mentor - Megan Harvey

2-term National Alpine Team alum, Megan was the first person to step in and help me believe I could achieve my goal of making the National Team. Megan combines an incredibly giving heart, with an insatiable drive and problem-solving bug. Megan has taught me how to be a great trainer, how to give my time to others, how to be an integral part of the ski school. She has taught me about budgeting my time, how to be professional in this industry, and how to help others. She is also willing to give it to me straight, working with me both on and off-snow. Her no-nonsense direct feedback is to the point and never couched in cuddles or bubbles. She has an opinion. She shares it. I do what she says. Megan is one of the most incredibly dedicated, giving, loving, caring people I have ever had the pleasure to meet, and I am grateful to count her amongst my friends, and honored to have her as an official member of my team.

Kate's Team 2016: Bootfitting: Brent Amsbury

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Read it from the Begining!

Heros and Inspiration

These are people who I am learning about who inspire me, make me feel like I'm not crazy to love what I do, and who broke trail ahead of me so I can ski, too...

Bill Brigs:

The first man to ski the Grand Teton, he skied it alone, with no witnesses. But a newspaper plane took him to the top the next day and the evidence was still there: solo tracks in the snow from the top of the Grand. "You dream up what you want to do with your life..."

Stefano De Benedetti:

"In the Perfect Moment, I was so concentrated there was no space for other thoughts. When you want to make a turn, and you are at the top of a steep vertical wall, I mean, when you are in the situation that if you fall you die, everything changes. You think very much about turning. You think very much about WHERE to turn. And you do all this in a very special way.

You act like a different person.

You act with all your self.

You are making a completely different experience, and in some way, you are discovering yourself.

This is the magic of the mountain. You can except to die for this. You don't wanna to die. But to live so close to the possibility of dying, you understand what is really important, and what NOT.

And this makes you a better person. Its probably the highest moment of my life because in the perfect moment I was, or I felt to be, a little superman."

Anatoli Boukreev:

An incredibly accomplished high altitude climber and guide, Anatoli also pulled off one of the most spectacular high altitude rescues single handedly in a blinding snowstorm after having not had significant rest for 35 hours and after summiting Mt. Everest. He saved the lives of three climbers from his team, the ill fated Scott Fischer Mountain Madness expedition in 1996.

"Mountains are not stadiums where I satisfy my ambition to achieve, they are the cathedrals where I practice my religion...I go to them as humans go to worship. From their lofty summits I view my past, dream of the future and, with an unusual acuity, am allowed to experience the present moment...my vision cleared, my strength renewed. In the mountains I celebrate creation. On each journey I am reborn."

Snow Report

Visit this great site for the MOST detailed info on freezing temps at different altitudes, and make better decisions in the back country!

Links To Visit

Quotes That Help

"We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves strong. The amount of work is the same." - Carlos Castena

"A life in harmony with nature, the love of truth and virtue, will purge the eyes to understanding her text." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

"We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts. With our thoughts, we make our world." ~ Buddha

"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" Mary Oliver

"You are right where you need to be. And where you need to be to learn what you need to learn is not always comfortable and can be quite unpleasant." Amy Keefer

"There is nothing new in the world; everything has been done before, sometimes hundreds of times. But our perspectives always change. There are always new perspectives." - the Dalai Lama

"Chronic remorse, as all the moralists are agreed, is a most undesirable sentiment. If you have behaved badly, repent, make what amends you can and address yourself to the task of behaving better next time. On no account brood over your wrong doing. Rolling in the muck is not the best way of getting clean." - Aldous Huxley

"The Chinese character for "Crisis" is comprised of two characters: the character for "Danger" and the character for "Opportunity"."

"Take your face out of your hands and clear your eyes. You have a right to your dreams, and DON'T BE DENIED." Ben Harper

"Praise and blame. Gain and loss. Pleasure and sorrow come and go like the wind. To be happy, rest like a giant tree in the midst of them all." - Buddha

"Failure is not falling down, but refusing to get up." Chinese Proverb.

"A venturesome minority will always be eager to set off on their own, and no obstacles should be placed in their path; let them take risks, for godsake, let them get lost, sunburnt, stranded, drowned, eaten by bears, buried alive under avalanches - that is the right and privilege of any free American." - Edward Abbey

"Whether you think you can, or think you can't, you're right." -Henry Ford

"If you are walking along with nothing but a bamboo cane, and someone attacks you with a sword, you should take their sword from them. This, then, is already your victory." 15th Century Martial Arts Master (from the book Secret Tactics of the Martial Arts Experts)

"Those who say you can't shouldn't get in the way of those who are doing it" - unkown via Alyssa

"Somewhere, someone is training harder than you are. And when you meet them in head to head competition, they will beat you." No Fear

"Its not nearly as High and Tight as you think it is, Kate" - Josh Spohler