I’m sorry, I know this doesn’t rhyme, but what the hell were you Wachowski brothers thinking?

Coro: ♪ Lucky there’s a Family Guy! ♪

♪ Lucky there’s a fella sweeter than vanilla, ♪

♪ Wholesome as a piece of ♪

Stewie: ♪ Apple pie! ♪

Chorus: ♪ He’s a Family Guy! ♪

Lois: ♪ His smile’s a simple delight. ♪

Chris: ♪ He lets me see the boobies on the internet sites. ♪

Lois: Peter!

Meg: ♪ He bought me my cute little hat! ♪

Brian: ♪ Yeah, we should have a talk about that. ♪

Coro: ♪ About that! ♪

♪And his hat! ♪

{Instrumental}

Brian: ♪ He’s mastered the comedy arts. ♪

Stewie: ♪ He says, “Look out Hiroshima,” then casually farts. ♪

Lois: ♪ He’s loaded with sexy appeal. ♪

Peter: ♪ And best of all my titties are real! ♪

♪ Have a feel… ♪

Brian: No, thank you.

Stewie: I gave at the office.

Lois: ♪ The Brady Bunch has got their Mike, ♪

♪ And pretty Laura Petrie has Dickie van Dyke. ♪

♪ But who around here could fill those loafers? ♪

Coro: ♪ Well, here’s a happy reply. ♪

♪ Lucky there’s a Family Guy! ♪

♪ Lucky there’s a man who positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

Stewie: ♪ Laugh and cry! ♪

Coro: ♪ He’s...a...Fam..ily...Guy! ♪

♪ He’s...a...Fam...ily...Guy! ♪

Lois: Oh, my, thank you very much. What a welcome.

Peter: I am gonna buy each and every one of you a beer
after the show. Whoa, whoa, whoa, I’m kiddin’ for Christ’s sake, I’m not
serious, that’s expensive! Listen, just the fact that I came up with
the idea should tell you I’m generous. I shouldn’t actually have to
spend any money.

Meg: Uh, can we turn the spotlight down a bit?

Brian: Yeah, it is a little bright.

Stewie: You know, Brian, I just noticed something: with that light shining on you, from that angle, you look a lot like Jamie Farr.

Brian: Well, you got that thing going with your eyes like
Britney does, you know where—you know how her eyes are just, like, a
hair too far apart, uh, almost like there was some immediate post-birth
surgery that should have been done, but it was the South, so they didn’t
have the medical technology?

Stewie: Oh, I see.

Chris: Mom.

Lois: Yes, honey?

Chris: I have a wedgie!

Lois: Chris, honey, wait until the intermission. Then you can fix it.

Peter: Well, we got a lot of fun stuff lined up here
tonight; we got music, we got comedy, we got behind the scenes crap from
the show.

Lois: That’s right. For example, not a lot of people know
this, but in one episode of the show, there was a flashback of Brian
when he was a puppy. Now, they couldn’t find a puppy who looked enough
like him, so they actually built a dog suit for the scene and the actor
inside the suit was Raven Symone, who was Olivia on the Cosby Show.

Brian: Fascinating bit of trivia.

Peter: All right, ok, I’ve got one for you. You know, the sound stage where we shoot Family Guy is the same stage where they shot the Golden Girls back in the 80s, right? And now, one of the stagehands was telling me a pretty intense story. I guess there was one night where they were all ready to shoot and, uh, the audience was waiting and, uh, nobody could find Bea Arthur. So everybody’s freakin’ out and, uh, then
one of the producers runs in and says, “Cancel the show tonight; Bea Arthur’s in jail.”

Lois: Oh my god!

Peter: Yeah, apparently, she had a little too much to
drink before the show and, uh, they found her standing on a street corner exposing her penis to traffic.

Brian: Oh my god!

Meg: Ewww! That’s disgusting!

Peter: Can you believe that?

Brian: Wait a minute. How the hell can Bea Arthur have a penis?

Peter: Eh, special permit.

Stewie: I say, what is it with these actors? They’re perfectly normal people in civilian life and then they come out to
Hollywood and just go fucking berserk!

Stewie: Perfect example. Although, I must say I am amazed
at the language you can get away with on television these days. I was
watching Law and Order the other night and I swear to God, I heard
someone use the word “balls.” And I thought to myself, “My god, that,
that Dick Wolf just does whatever he damn well pleases, doesn’t he?”
Bringing words like “balls” into America’s living rooms. I wonder how
he’d like it if I just walked into his living room and used the word
“balls.”

Brian: Uh, I think that’d be breaking and entering.

Lois: You know, I’m so glad they allowed us to bring
Stewie this evening. The last show we did, we had to leave him at home.
They didn’t allow babies in the theater.

Brian: Well, of course, people want to be able to enjoy the show.

Stewie: I am the show, you lack-witted beaglehead! Oh, what a night that was. My babysitter was a total bitch.