Friday, March 4, 2011

I DON'T KNOW HOW TO FEEL.

If I should be sad, or mad, or forget, or live, or breathe, or stop, or listen, or cry or laugh.. If this is silly, if this all makes sense, if it's fair, if I'm wrong, if it's wrong, if it's nothing, if I should move, if I should stay, if I'm feeling guilty, or if I'm hating, if I'm hated, if the world's spinning, if it stopped, if I'm under water, or dreaming, or in inception, if I'm lucid. I can't decide whether to talk or to shut up, to sleep or to clean. & I don't want anyone to ask because I'm not sure if I want to talk or if I want to yell, or keep my mouth shut, or whisper, or for it to go away. I can't decide if I'm keeping it here, if I'm lingering.. If I want to blog anymore. I can't decide where to turn or where to lay. If I'm happy, or annoyed. Do I forgive? Do I forget? Is there anything to forgive? Is this even anything? Am I stabilized? Am I referencing past shit experiences to something so wonderful? Is this everything wonderful? I'm not sure if this makes me a pussy or a bitch, or weak, or strong, or stupid. Am I over-analyzing? Over thinking? Am I even thinking? Is this a proper mind state? When was the last time I ate? Am I saying what I want to say? Should I ask more questions? What sort of questions.. why questions! I'm not sure if I'm good enough, or if I'm amazing. Do you care? Are you hurt? Is this what is expected? Is this what you want? Is this nothing? Are you bouncing as hard between thoughts as I am? Are you annoyed with me? Is this even anything? Should I not have said anything? Should I have stayed quiet?What is wrong? What breaks the rules? What causes pain? Am I supposed to be angry at every sentence spoken? Am i supposed to be here, right here. Why here. If it's too hard, is that good reason? Is there more to this than it being too hard? Is crying while you're typing completely pathetic? Is Botch pathetic. Is this blog pathetic. Do I come off as an over-sensitive person who can't keep emotions in line? Do I come off the way I want to? Is this right for me? Should I even care? Do I care? I'm not sure if I cared before or if I stopped caring, or if ever at all for a second of complete mind shut off I have. I just want to be good enough, just good enough, for me. Or maybe not even good enough! Why good enough. Why not surpass that? & why let other things affect what IS good/great enough. That's not proper either, or.. maybe it is. I'm not sure of what I want or what I want to take. I'm not sure if this is right, if I should leave it alone, or embrace it.

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COMMENT:

Consistently making a mess of things, she's either "funny" or "weird". Botcho usually finds herself awake for too long despite her love of sleep. She's busy exploring the world with a taste for fashion, concerts, breaking rules, hair dying and pizza. She only calls herself a writer in an attempt for her blog to make sense. For all business inquiries, you can contact her mom.
syntifik@hotmail.com