1/12/2016

Note to David Brooks: What Fucking Evangelicals Are You Talking About?

The Rude Pundit really wants to know what nation New York Times columnist and former serial swirlie recipient David Brooks is referring to in his most recent "column" (if by "column," you mean, "the contemplations of a lengthy refractory period between sessions of jacking off to armpit-fucking porn"). Because, see, if you've been paying attention to American politics and religion in the last, oh, say, 35 years, you know that no one who lives in what we might politely call "goddamned reality" could say, "Traditionally, candidates who have attracted strong evangelical support have in part emphasized the need to lend a helping hand to the economically stressed and the least fortunate among us."

This is in an article where Brooks is shocked to his garters that Republican Senator and presidential candidate Ted Cruz just might be a cruel motherfucker who believes in an apocalyptic vision of America as a barren hellscape of raping immigrants, suicide bombing Muslims, and gay aborted fetuses getting married. "[I]n his career and public presentation Cruz is a stranger to most of what would generally be considered the Christian virtues: humility, mercy, compassion and grace," Brooks mourns, and, no, really, he's dead serious there.

Which fucking Christians in politics is he talking about? Because it sure as shit ain't the conservative evangelicals. Back in 1988, televangelist and man who has lived way too long Pat Robertson ran for president, winning four states and scaring the shit out of the establishment. And that Christian son of a bitch (his mother was a dog) was on a goddamned crusade against anyone who supported abortion rights, opposed school prayer, and said that scientists should determine science. When Robertson launched his campaign (well, technically a campaign to campaign) in 1986, he gave a speech where he described a country that was descending into a morass of sin and disease and communism: "Ladies and gentlemen, what we are facing is not a governmental problem, it is a moral problem. Human cruelty, human selfishness, alcoholism, drug addiction, and sexual promiscuity will always bring poverty and the disintegration of society. The answer for us does not lie in institutionalizing aberrant behavior -- whether that behavior is substance abuse or sexual perversion. And certainly the answer does not lie in once again penalizing the productive sector of our society with high taxes and wasteful spending." And, remember, this was after over five years of Reagan.

Like every fucking bullshit Christian, the solution to poverty was the free market for Robertson, not actual programs. So where the fuck does Brooks get his information when he says, "The best conservatism balances support for free markets with a Judeo-Christian spirit of charity, compassion and solidarity." No. Jesus doesn't say jackshit about free markets. He says take care of the poor. You can pretend that's Christian because you happen to be a free market conservative who believes Christian hoodoo, but that doesn't mean it's "Christian" in the sense of, you know, Christ, the biblical dude.

Other have dealt with Cruz's contemporaries who Brooks views as better Christians (really, David? Mike Huckabee? Jesus would turn that hateful cockknob inside out and dance with his organs). To return to Robertson, after his campaign was finally over, George Bush and Dan Quayle had to kiss fundamentalist ass to get endorsements, pressing their lips to the bright white buttocks of Robertson and Jerry Falwell. The Christian Coalition became a presence in American politics throughout the 1990s. Their existence and their bitch members of Congress were a big reason we had to go through the fucking Clinton impeachment nightmare. And those taintfleas all but accused then First Lady Hillary Clinton of being a witch and demanding her burning.

Brooks writes, "Evangelicals and other conservatives have had their best influence on American politics when they have proceeded in a spirit of personalism — when they have answered hostility with service and emphasized the infinite dignity of each person. They have won elections as happy and hopeful warriors." No, they didn't. They won as hateful motherfuckers who only want everyone else to fuck their mothers just like them. Actually, the evangelicals who do give a shit about the poor are liberals and would rather be crucified than vote for Republican jackals and whores.