Families & Friends Of Addicts Support Group

Addiction affects more than just the individual. This community is dedicated to the families and friends of individuals suffering from any form of addiction. Mental health professionals are increasingly considering alcoholism and addiction as diseases that flourish in and are enabled by family systems. Family members react to the addicted person with particular behavioral...

My husband relapsed again.

My husband is an alcoholic. he seems to have a relapse about every other month. This time it was drugs. He went to the ER with a (genuine) migraine and was prescribed vicodan. He took all ten pills the next day before 4PM. I spent the whole day nursemaiding and enabling- making sure he didn't fall, preventing him from calling his boss five times in a row to tell him the same thing, cleaning up all the things he spilled, making sure he didn't fall asleep in the bath...

After I had figured out what happened, I wrote him a long letter describing what had happened, how it made me feel and where I think we need to go from here. We'll discuss it when he's fully sober.

Today he's shaky and detoxing. I got ready to go for a run and told him to stay out of my ativan because I knew he would be tempted to use it to ease his withdrawl symptoms. He said okay no problem. I went to count the pills and out of thirty that should have been there there were only seven. He admitted to taking "maybe five or seven" that morning but swore he had no idea where the other sixteen or eighteen went. Yeaaaaaaaah right mister, tell it to the judge.

I locked the rest of my pills in my car and went running. I'm trying hard to focus on taking care of myself and not dwelling on his poor choices but I'm just so frustrated. The man has so many thirty day chips I'm considering doing a decoupage piece with them to hang on the living room wall.

My husband is on his second round of opiate abuse. He went to detox is Jan for Roxicodone, he stated vicodan around April now his in on percocets. All started when he hurt his back the year before. I did the same thing enable, nursemaid when needed. He has &quot;gonna stop&quot; &quot;gonna wean off&quot; so many times in the last 9 months I can't count. He left they other day he said HE was tire of ME! I play detective alot and am up his ass about it alot and I realized that the other day that I need to stop. So I started 2 days ago walking and just trying to keep busy or doing something for me. It's a start anyway. Good luck and God bless. Praying has helped me ALOT, I ;ll keep you in my prayers

My husband relapsed a million times during his nearly 3 year addiction to meth. I was a total enabler although I didn't even realize it at the time. I don't know what advice to give or what the solution is. All I know is that sometimes they sober up - my husband has been clean for over 9 months. I know that I couldn't have survived without a good support group like this forum. And definitely pray because the only thing that can pull someone out of the depths of hell is God. Also, it's a wonderful thing for you to start taking care of yourself. It's small steps in that direction that can begin the ball rolling in the right direction.

Everyone quits in their own time I would imagin when hubby went to Dr. He didn't mention is addiction problem.
This is what I learned being married to a drug addict.
Keep all your own drugs hidden and don't drink in front of alcoholic.
Keep purse hidden and anything you don't want missing.
Don't control what AH is doing.
Don't call work for him or cover for him.
Don't stop him from drugging, many addicts have only one day chips. Although its a choice to some degree there are several factors also.
Let AH be responsible for his own addiction.
Set boundaries of what you are willing to live with. Don't expect AH to quit drugs and thats it he's cured. Do incourage him to get help. Be prepared to separate if his drug use continues no one can live with constant lies and wondering if you come home will a TV be missing.
Don't say you'll leaving and not do it.
Read the bookGet Your Loved One Sober: Alternatives to Nagging, Pleading, and Threatening.
Know that addicts will lie in order to get their drugs and stay out of trouble.
To quit a addiction takes a life time you never know when they will relapse my AH has been clean up to a year and relapse.
Take care of yourself eventually you learn to detach with love eventually you will know in your heart when to give up or not.

My husband and I were married for 11 years. He has relapsed so many times I finally lost count. We are now separated and he is currently living with his parents. My husband is 44 years old and has been an crack and cocaine addict for 30 years.

I hate using the word relapsed. Relapsed implies that your addict is sober and then fell off the wagon. I have learned by attending AA/NA and Al-Anon meetings and reading that in order for an addict or alcoholic to relapse they would have had to been working a program of recovery.

Addicts lie to everyone including themselves. If an addict/alcoholic is not working the 12 steps, does not attend weekly AA/NA meetings and does not have a sponsor - my belief is that they are not walking the road to recovery. You CAN NOT make an addict or alcoholic walk down that road if they do not want recovery. Saying and doing are two separate things. When we try to force someone we love into recovery, we become insane and full of anger, rage and hurt when they refuse to work their recovery program.

Relapse is a choice not an accident ~ Big Book of AA.

Please remember, that the addict has choices and so do you. Just for today, try to make the best choice that you can for your own life and allow others in your life to do the same. ~ Courage to Change (Al-Anon).

Take care of you and remember the serenity prayer.

Step 1: &quot;We admitted we were powerless over alcohol/drugs that
our live had become unmanageable.&quot;

Step 2: &quot;Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves
could restore us to sanity.&quot;

He is working a program. He attends AA three times a week and talks to his sponsor daily. The last two relapses were one-day affairs, the previous one I found out he had been drinking on the sly for two months while attending meetings (but before he had a sponsor.)

I just don't know how to get us out of this cycle. He's sober 59 days out of 60, but that's not good enough for either of us.

I disagree as to it being a choice only. There have been huge strives made in addiction and they now know there are many factors that come into play. Check out Smart Recovery or Stanton Peele website. Plus there are others.
I forget the satistics but a I think it is around 45% of drug addicts also have other mental problems. For my AH its ADHD which after doing alot of reading and talking to a counselor. My AH uses drugs to treat the ADHD and he doesn't even know he's been doing this for years. This is why he can be clean for longer periods only to use for a short period and then be clean again.
I am not a big fan of AA its recovery rate is only 5 % to 15%.
It has been shown that addicts who use cognitive behavior therapy have a much better sucess rate.
Problem is AA has a strong hold on this country and it takes along time to change people minds and $$$.
I'm not saying all of AA is bad because it does help some as does Alanon.

In the 50's thru early 70's people who did drugs were called junkies and folks who drank called wine-knows. Society views on addiction has drastically changed since those times. Today we call the addiction a disease. When the BB of AA says that it is a choice, I honest believe that relapse is a choice. An addict can see the &quot;bud&quot; signs and knows when he/she is craving. At this point the addict can pick up the phone and call his or her sponsor. He can go to a meeting. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different results.

Treatment therapy can work in conjunction with the 12 step recovery program of AA/NA. You are correct Katrinka 15% of the problem is the addiction and the other 85% is psychological and other factors. Some addicts/alcoholics are &quot;constitutional incapable of being honest with themselves or others&quot;. They refuse to be honest with themselves or their loved ones. In reality they love using their drug of choice.

My point here is that they (addict or alcoholic) are not ready for recovery and no one can make them become ready, not even a psychologist or addictivealogist therapist. AA/NA is based on attraction and not promotion. The addict or alcoholic has to hurt enough to want what AA/NA sober member have. The gift of sobriety and peace of mind.

My husband has a psychologist who specializes in addictive disorders. He sees this doctor weekly and is currently taking prescription anti-depression drugs, and his bi-polar issues.

When he uses or &quot;relapses&quot; it can make his psychological problems worse. That roller coaster ride of lows and highs (DOC combined with the prescribed anti-depression and bi-polar drugs) can literally drive him person insane.

The body and mind can only handle so much. My hopes and prayers are with you. There is noting you can do for your husband except pray that he can find his own way to his path to recovery.

I think your humor regarding his amount of &quot;30 day&quot; chips speaks for itself. I'm in agreement with Katrinka regarding AA, and I might as well lump NA &amp; CA with it. Perhaps a good place to begin for those who have no foundation whatsoever, but hardly a place where one should end up. Your mentioning &quot;Ativan&quot; brought back memories. I had a mild stroke when I was 25 and was prescribed this medication. I took 2 and felt wonderful. My then wife, Louisa, a Registered Dietitian flushed them saying she preferred to get me back in sync by changing diet and behavior. She also &quot;knew&quot; then I had an addictive personality and did whatever she could to prevent substances, even coffee, caffeinated products in the home. It worked. I don't deal with high blood pressure today and that was 27 years ago! Louisa has moved on, but her methods of recovery has stayed with me all these years.

I wish I could stay &quot;in sync&quot; without any drugs! I've been dealing with severe clinical depression since early childhood and I rely on a delicate balance of drugs, diet, exercise, and therapy to stay sane and healthy. I take the ativan very very seldom but I have to keep it on hand in case I have a panic attack. That's how I happened to not notice twenty three missing pills until it became an issue- who knows how long he's been stealing them?

I know I was flip about his AA chips, but I don't think I'm ready to give up on that program. His father has nearly 25 years sober in AA and it really turned his life around. From going to open meetings with my husband, I've seen a lot of people who seem to have achieved peace and happiness in their lives in addition to lasting sobriety.

I think we're heading into a pretty dark time. I checked his phone when I got home from work and he hadn't called his sponsor yesterday- the first day he's missed since he got this sponsor. We'll see if he decides to go to his friday meeting tomorrow or if he finds a reason to flake out.

But in the meantime, I'm keeping up with my life- today is a weight lifting day! I'm going to see if I can maybe add a few pounds to my shoulder press by doing them standing instead of seated. My work schedule is such that I won't really see my husband until Saturday, as I leave for work before he gets home in the evening, return after he's asleep, and he leaves before I wake up. So I've got plenty of &quot;me&quot; time to do what I want and be productive at work

Thank you for sharing. I was abused as a child and suffered from anxiety and diagnosed as Manic Depressive Disorder with Bipolar &amp; Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I was also given Prozac and Depokote, I think that's how it's spelled, but I had to leave them all to the wayside. Interesting how I was willing to take illegal drugs and not legal ones. I just don't want anything messing with my head. God made me so I'm leaving it up to Him to fix me. He can do it, too! I'm not against meds, but I am just believing, for me, He can do what's needed in my life.

Sounds great that you're staying on top of things and into your own health. I give you lots of credit for the exercising regimen you're involved with. I try to walk and about 3 miles a day and it seems to do this body good. Also it is good for my need to use that time to meditate, too.

I surely hope your husband will do what is necessary to rejoin a healthy lifestyle. I would encourage him to continue and from my end, I'll be sending up prayers. Having both can certainly help! Be Blessed

I've been in and around the programs of AA, NA and Alanon since 1980. My first husband went to meetings, had a sponsor, called him every day...but would still drink every few months. It's called his &quot;pattern&quot;. Alcoholics are not necessarily daily drinkers. I heard one guy speak and he only drank 3 times in his life, but every time he ended up in a different city and had no clue how he got there. My husband was not &quot;working a program&quot;. He was playing a game since everyone said he should go to AA. After about 10 years of this he went to a rehab and the director of the program who was also a &quot;recoverying&quot; alcoholic told me I could not consider my husband to be &quot;recovered&quot; until he had FIVE years continuous sobriety. That is how long it takes for the brain to &quot;recover&quot;. He also told me to expect NOTHING the first year that is how long it takes for much of ANY change. You are not working a program until you change your life...make it past 30 days. Your husband has a pattern and he's going to do it until something makes him stop. So, just move on with your life. By the way, you talk about &quot;me&quot; time. Are you in Alanon? That is the best way I found to get a life while my first husband drank.

My husband went to several rehabs and yes he was told you need to be clean for 5 yrs for his brain to recover, but he was also told his times between using will grow longer as yrs go by. I have noticed that this true. In the last 3 yrs he went to one rehab when he got out he stayed clean about 2 months went back to using crack for about two or three months. Left and went to Salvation Army finished program and stayed clean for about 4 months. Used again of and on for about 3-4 months. Went to California did some one on one counseling stayed clean for about 9 months, came back home and used for about 3 weeks and went back to not using. Its now been 3 weeks and he went back to California. His using is growning less and less and times of not using longer. Plus he does better if he's not in the area we have lived for over 20 yrs.

I'm pretty good about having my own life. There is an alanon group nearby. I'd been resistant to going because I really don't consider myself a codependent and I'm not interested in blaming myself for his problems. But I had might as well try it if I can fit meetings into my schedule.

I have been trying to take an active supportive role in his sobriety by attending open/speaker meetings with him when my schedule permits. Could that be enabling his pattern- should I stop being involved and just go back to total uninvolvement- like &quot;I don't care what you do because it's all a sham- I'll give you support and encouragement when you've shown you deserve it by staying sober for a year&quot;? That seems pretty cold...

I thought the same thing about Alanon, but I was wrong. It's NOT about him. It has nothing to do with him. And you don't have to be codependent. That word has been so overused and given a bad rap. Anyway, Alanon is about you. And how you can &quot;detach with love&quot;. So, what you do does not seem cold. Try it. I knew one woman in Alanon who's alcoholic had died 10 years prior and she was married to a man who never drank. But she stayed in the program, because it helps in all parts of our lives. If you go to enough, open/speaker meetings, I'm surprised you haven't figured out that's just his pattern. I would not go to meetings with him. What's the point?

Katrinka. They also say in the program, that if you don't get the program, sometimes the program gets you. Seems to be true in your husband's case. And I firmly believe in &quot;people, places and things&quot;. If I had it to do over, I would have had my second ex move out here, I never would have gone back to our hometown to be with him. I have seen too many people finally find recovery with a combination of program, rehab and moving.

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