This year, I will become a better person. That's a low bar. I just can't sit by and watch corporate America outsource jobs. Are you serious? Big businesses are cutting pension funds and health care benefits. They're contributing to the greatest income gap between laborers and management that we've seen since the depression. This year, I vow to do a better job. Of? Joining corporate America in crushing the little guy. I just pray I have the strength to see this through. I vow to wilt like a lily.

I'm filthy rich. Don't tell anyone. What? I've got 28 million so far. But I choose to live like a normal peon. 28 … million?? I can't believe what I'm hearing, little buddy. This changes … wait … 28 million what? Rudycoins. It's a cryptocurrency I created in the john last night.

Boss, what do you mean you're "preparing for the widening of the gap between rich and poor"? Congress is about to force every poor person who wants to claim the earned income credit to endure an IRS audit first. The working poor can't afford lawyers, and they're too busy cobbling together a living from multiple jobs and gigs to do all the paperwork, so ... ipso facto ... I'm not exactly sure how, but I have faith that the money they'll be too scared to claim is going to end up in my pocket. He's devout very-bad-mannist.

Andrea Wheaton doesnâ€™t even notice I'm alive. Good! At your age, you shouldn't be wasting your time on crushes and other interpersonal relationships. Not unless the girl's mom or dad has connections you can exploit. Is Rudy here? You should be 100% focused on building your empire.

Hi, this is Donald Trump. Oh. I'm Mortimer Park. I'm calling to tell you I'm running for president. Ok. Have a good time. What do you mean "have a good time"? Is that supposed to be some sort of backhanded insult? Are you not taking me seriously? Well guess what, idiot, the feeling is entirely mutual. House of Java Cybercafe. Wait ... what? What just happened? Play dumb if you want, loser. It's probably why you're not as rich as I am.

Armstrong, did you feel that earthquake a few minutes ago? I felt nothing, minion. I haven't felt an earthquake since I was a small child. Probably because of the full-body money-clip I've carried ever since then. The wads of bills layered about my body serve to absorb vibrational and impact forces. I once fell out of a fourth-story window and didn't even notice it. The one percent are different from you and me.

I'm about to get rich, Randy. Filthy rich. How so, little buddy? The federal government's going to seize privately owned lands along the U.S.-Mexico border so they can build Trump's wall. But they'll have to pay the landowners lots of money. So I bought a dirt cheap stretch of land along the border. But no one knows where exactly the wall will be. That's why I bought a 1-inch-wide strip of land that stretches from Colorado to Mexico. You're crazy like a fox that's gone crazy.

I'm going to be rich, famous, and irresistible to the opposite sex any day now, Randy. I think you've had one too many hot cocoas, little buddy. No, really. I've written a note for my descendants and buried it in a time capsule in my backyard. Once they read it, they'll time-travel back to the 20th century and genetically engineer my embryonic self. HOJ. They'll bestow me with superhuman charisma, epic good looks, and money-management skills. You're forgetting that to have descendants, you have to be able to get a date.

White chocolate mocha, please. Just the drink? Or the combo? What's in the combo? You get the white chocolate mocha, plus a ham sandwich, plus a bag of chips, for $17. Seems pricey. Of course. That's why I only recommend our premium combos to people who can afford them. One look at you and I could tell you're a man of means. You walk with such a swagger - such regal elegance. I wasn't wrong about you, was I? Give me two combos. Just two? Very. Bad. Man.

In my day, they didn't give free lunches to poor children in school. If your parents couldn't afford to feed you, you went without. When you saw rich kids and their fancy sandwiches, you didn't expect the government to even the scales for you. You pushed them down in the dirt and stole those sandwiches on your own! I think I read about you in "Lord of the Flies."

Can I ask you something man-to-man? Shoot. Let's say you've always wanted to make someone a mixtape to show them how much you care about them. What's the best order? Do you start with songs about how rich you are before moving on to the songs about love? Or vice versa? What order would best simulate sincerity? Very bad man.

Boss, what if I told you I forgot to lock up last night and someone totally robbed us blind? I'd say "no problem," because of your contract. My contract? It allows me to auction off your less vital internal organs to recover any damages you cause me. You really should read the fine print before you sign the papers, minion. I did. But I wrote in finer print that all fine print is null and void. Only the ruling class can use fine print, minion.

Boss, I think I found the perfect woman for you. She's quick-witted and beautiful! She's waiting to meet you. Are you insane? What kind of amateurish operation do you think we're running here? A candidate for any position I offer has to go through three rounds of interviews. If the candidate impresses my underlings, then the candidate gets to have an audience with me. The 1% date differently than the rest of us. What's her FICO score?

Hi, this is Donald Trump. Oh. I'm Mortimer Park. I'm calling to tell you I'm running for president. Ok. Have a good time. What do you mean "have a good time"? Is that supposed to be some sort of backhanded insult? Are you not taking me seriously? Well guess what, idiot, the feeling is entirely mutual. House of Java Cybercafe. Wait ... What? What just happened? Play dumb if you want, loser. it's probably why you're not as rich as I am.

I hear you're running for president as a Republican, Rudy. It's the latest thing. Well, do you have a Sugar Dadd - I mean, a "billionaire patron" yet? What do you mean? It's a well-known fact that Republican candidates who poll in the single digits can compete very well if they're either wealthy or backed by someone who's wealthy. I've been wanting to back my own stooge. It's the latest thing. New announcement, everyone: I'm dropping out of the race.

Come in, minion. What's up, boss? I'm writing a novel. It's a thriller about an intrepid café owner who discovers a map to the lost coffee bean of the ancients. The bean is hidden in crumbling catacombs beneath a booby-trapped Mayan temple. Braving an almost certain grizzly death ... ... the cafe owner sends his obsequious minion to liberate the bean. Wait ... what? But the story really gets going when the evil minion tries filing for workman's comp just because he loses a few toes. Can the brave owner have his government stooge dismiss the complaint before his insurance premium is affected? Stay tuned! I don't think I get one-percenter fiction, boss.

HAHA! I JUST WON THE LOTTERY! I, the wealthiest man in this café, have won the lottery! Can you believe it?! This just goes to show that the rich get richer, and the poor can't afford to boost their odds by buying dozens of lottery tickets. How much did you win? $5. But it's the principle that matters.