The Mill has often wondered what it might feel like to be bested in single combat by brooding, whispery-voiced, ankle-rippling Manchester City manager Mark Hughes. The Mill imagines it might all happen so quickly. There he is, stepping out from behind the doorjamb, jaw set, the enormous head almost entirely square. There's a moment of recognition, then of panic, and then something close to exhilaration as the Mill's pale, flaking neck is clenched within his grey-suited armpit, and a single huge, cold, shovel-like hand begins to scour the Mill's scalp like an industrial sander. Then a faint smell of high-class male grooming product, a string of muttered oaths and a final grunt as the Mill is sent spiralling across the Eastlands players' lounge lobby reception area, caught perfectly on the twisting mid-air volley by a single bulging Italian calfskin loafer.

It's a scenario that somehow seems a little closer this morning, if not for the Mill then perhaps for want-away elastic-limbed Brazilian spectator Robinho and his collection of slightly-too-large beanie hats. According to this morning's Mirror, Robinho has told his Manchester City team-mates that he wants to leave and take up watching Barcelona from a seat high in the stands surrounded by sycophantic second cousins.

"Of course he talks to us about it," Roque Santa Cruz told Catalunya Radio, which is Spanish for "Catalonia Radio". "And the players are cracking jokes about it in the dressing room," he added, laughing uncontrollably and doing his best brooding whispery-voiced Mark Hughes, the one that everyone always really laughs at and keeping on doing it for ages even though the whole dressing room has fallen silent and people are coughing and looking away and pretending to be getting changed and then, with a horrible sense of foreboding, feeling a single cold, shovel-like hand on shoulder.

Also today, Chelsea "will have to smash the British transfer record" if they want to buy Atlético Madrid's Sergio Agüero. Alex McLeish has lined up "a £1.5m raid" for West Brom's Graham Dorrans as part of his ongoing Scotland-West Midlands ethnic fusion project. And Gaizka Mendieta has lifted the lid on the frankly quite weird-sounding "beer and Mars Bars culture" during his time at Boro. "At Middlesbrough the beer used to flow in the dressing room the moment matches were over," he whined. "They used to eat Mars bars and chocolates, and when I said something about it they'd fire back, claiming it was to give them energy."

In the Sun, Harry Redknapp has finally reached the end of his tattered and bulging black book and dipped back in at random to offer Al-Arabi's Lomana LuaLua a £40,000-a-week deal at Spurs, but only after trying to get the woman who answers the phone at the Wing Ha to play in goal for a bit and ordering a couple of mini-cabs. LuaLua scored two goals last season in Qatar.

Glen Johnson is doing the horse placenta treatment and apparently staying in the same Belgrade hotel as Robin van Persie. "The treatment is going well," Van Persie said last night, clutching a reeking, yellow-veined, hunk of fetid offal to his leg, his wallet, his grasp of current medical science, and finally his forehead to cure those vague, creeping feelings of having being caught up in something slightly foolish.

Fulham are planning to spend £9m on Fulham's Brede Hangeland and Fulham's Roy Hodgson, at the suggestion of ... Fulham's Roy Hodgson. "Talks between Hodgson, 62, and club chief executive Alistair Mackintosh are progressing," says the Sun.

Liverpool have signed 14-year-old Dave Moli from Luton. "We mustn't stand in the way of young players," said youth officer Gregg Broughton, stepping out of the way of some young players.

Spurs and Portsmouth both want to sign Marseille's Hatem Ben Arfa who has fallen out with Didier Deschamps and his shiny black leather jacket. Ben Arfa has accused Deschamps of "breaking his balls". Deschamps says he didn't break his balls, they were already broken and actually he was only trying to fix them and he may have slightly chipped one while he was doing it but it's not his fault if his balls are actually quite badly made and frankly quite cheap in the first place.

David Ngog could "throw Liverpool into further turmoil" if he opts to accept Cameroon's offer to play in the African Nations Cup. "I need some time to think about things. I'm very flattered," he tittered behind his perfumed handkerchief.

In the Mail, David Beckham could miss the MLS Cup final after being pictured hobbling about in Los Angeles "with a special fitted shoe", not a fancy one made of butterfly wings and vanilla pods and designed by P Diddy, but one of those clumpy Alan Partridge fashion show surgical boots.

Ruud van Nistelrooy has "issued a come and get me plea" to Spurs and Manchester City. "I want to play. I still haven't spoken to Manuel Pellegrini because I'm still recovering but when I am ready I will speak to him," he yawned, still not really ready even though by now he's just fiddling with things and making sure the gas is off and wondering if he should change his shoes. Redknapp is also understood to want to sign England Under-21 goalkeeper Scott Loach.

And according to Sky Sports News, via Goal.com, Gennaro Gattuso won't be going to Manchester City for a short-lived and ultimately disappointing final payday just yet. "I have had no contact with Manchester City at this moment," said his agent Andrea D'Amico, making JLS-style phone-mime gestures and looking imploringly, but also, he hopes, somehow sexily, into the camera as he's bundled off the stage.