Smartphones of guys who ping too many girls to instantly explode: Android M

In what will come as a major relief to single, committed, married, pregnant, as well as dead women all over the country, Google has announced a revolutionary new feature on its new version of Android, only for the Indian market.

New Pigs On the Block

This feature, aptly titled, New Pig on the Block, is designed to identify guys who ping too many girls. Once the program makes the connection, the smartphone will instantly explode without a warning, setting fire to the hand, face or whatever other part of the body the phone is in touch with (if you catch our drift) at the time of the ping.

A recent study which sought to identify the average profile of this class of people, fondly termed as pingus, found that the common themes emerging were desperation, classlessness and most importantly, too much fluid in their balls. The study also observed that free availability of porn on the internet has not been able to reduce the horniness hormonal imbalance these people suffer from.

A ping is worth more than a thousand stares

Beware of pingus!

Experts say that this tendency to ping random girls (on Facebook and WhatsApp) is currently a trending phenomenon in the country after previous lame-ass-dick-moves like “liking” all of women’s profile pics, inviting them to music concerts, or the old fashioned call-several-hundred-times-till-she-picks-up, failed to yield any concrete results except really pissing off the victimised women.

When NTMN tried contacting some of these aforementioned pingus, we only received responses such as, “Hiiee beautyful”, “Will you go on dinner with me” and “Wait, I’ll send you my nude pic”. This NTMN reporter is still reeling from the aftereffects of the traumatic experience; he’ll be undergoing therapy very soon.

uStalk, iExplode

Apple is expected to follow suit and copy this feature very soon, launching it as its own “uStalk, iExplode”. Analysts say if this happens, the pingus will have to resort to now-obsolete techniques like staring from distance, molesting themselves on the streets, or simply urinating on the streets to assert their dominance.

Beware: Android M can detect your desperation

Google and Android core team is currently working on an algorithm which is able to detect the desperation in a guy’s ping by looking at his history of pinging, patterns in the profiles of the girls that he has pinged, and the speed at which he asks for a date if she even dares to respond.

The prototyping is being done by putting together a sample of the biggest online stalkers, lecherous hornymen and wimps with no backbones. Initial results are positive, with phones exploding like crazy in the laboratory but if this can even work on secret stalkers, only time will tell.

Meanwhile, ladies, be alert. You have been warned. Pingus are armed and dangerous. If they see you online, or offline, or dead, they will ping you, and there’s absolutely nothing you can do about it.

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News That Matters Not is an Indian news satire, social commentary, and general humour website. An international award winning venture, NTMN was active during 2009–2015 and was known for its witty takes on social issues, media, youth, politics, and everyday life.

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