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Friday, January 1, 2010

Top 25 Non-Movies of the Last Decade

The past decade has produced some really excellent films. There's been plenty of laughter and tears, anticipation and frights, wonderment and some pretty fantastic storytelling. There's also been a load of turkeys. Movies that don't deserve to be called movies have plagued the theaters. So just to be fair, I've compiled a list of bad movies from the decade I wish had never been.

WARNING: The following list contains movies that might make you hate me for including them on a list of bad movies. Feel free to complain, yell at me or otherwise inform me of how wrong I am. Please note though, I can't be held responsible for my opinions. I just don't have the time to monitor myself.

Let's see that list:

25. Lost in Translation - Now, now, I put this one up high so the shock would subside quickly. Seriously, how many people watched this more than once on purpose? By the time you realize that nothing is going to happen in the film, you're already committed to seeing it through.

Best way to watch this movie: Napping between the first and last five minutes of the film. When you talk about it later, no one will be able to tell the difference.

24. Superman Returns - I'm not as huge a Singer fan as some are. I felt that the X-Men movies were just ok. At the very least though, they were entertaining. How do you take one of the most beloved superheroes and use him so inefficiently? Ask Brian Singer, he'll show you the way.

Best way to watch this movie: Take it out the range and see if it's faster than a speeding bullet.

23. Twilight - Vampires are already pretty lame, but it takes a mastermind to make them sparkle in sunlight. Frankly I don't even understand why teen girls go for this crap.

Best way to watch this movie: With anyone who has read the book, so that afterwards they can defend the source material.

22. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - Hey, you remember when Spielberg didn't just let Lucas control everything? I can't decide what I hated more about it, the way they made Indy so ineffectual or the CGI world they put him in. You know what I'll pass on those and go with the stupid groundhogs which seem to sum up everything wrong with letting grandpa Lucas still make movies.

Best way to watch this movie: Do your best to pretend it's not Indy. Shouldn't be too hard.

21. Ray - Initially I liked it. However it turned out to be one of those movies that the farther you get away from the less you like it. Jamie Foxx did a decent job as Ray Charles, but the movie itself, years later, is just not very good. Certainly it's not one I will be revisiting anytime soon.

Best way to watch this movie: Get out your iPod or a cd, and listen to Ray Charles's music. Skip the movie.

20. Garfield - Bill Murray as the cat himself! How the heck did this go wrong? Maybe if I look at this film from a different light. If instead I were to think about it as an artistic project. In this instance, the creators wanted us to feel about a film the way Garfield feels about Mondays. Hey look it worked.

Best way to watch this movie: Crawl back into your 8 year old mind and go read the funny papers on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

19. A Beautiful Mind - ZzzzzZZzzzzZZzZzzzzzzzzzzzzzz ect.

Best way to watch this movie: There are many reasons to. If you are in severe pain for instance and are prescribed percocet, by all means, since many doctors consider this movie a safe alternative to pain medication.

18. National Treasure - I probably could have filled this list with Nic Cage films, but I'm bigger than that. This one is bad enough for all of them anyway.

Best way to watch this movie: Quote "The Rock" while making shadow puppets eat the faces of those on screen.

17. Ghost Rider - I lied. Clearly one movie is not enough for his hair, let alone Nic Cage's bad career moves. I hear a lot of good things are coming from him in the new year. I hope so. It'd be nice to like him again.

Best way to watch this movie: I suppose you could accidentally put in a different movie...

16. Zoolander - I like Owen Wilson. I occasionally like Ben Stiller. I haven't really liked them together in a film. Zoolander is a movie that for all intents and purposes should be funny. Indeed certain scenes are uproariously hysterical. The problem is, they're all strung together by weak filler.

Best way to watch this movie: Flipping through the channels, stop on the gas fight scene then press on.

15. Brokeback Mountain - Gay cowboys eating pudding was meant as a joke, not a touchstone for cinematic art. It got over hyped because of it's themes, which is unfair, because without all the controversy, the film would have just sat in the back and quietly sucked.

Best way to watch this movie: With a nun.

14. Daredevil - What is it they say about the best intentions of mice and men? Oh yeah, nobody invested any of those in Daredevil. From the costume to the lack of story to the silly fight scenes, it's abysmal.

Best way to watch this movie: It's never too late to get a taste for cosplay. Might I suggest blinding one's self?

13. Gone in 60 Seconds - Ok... I really lied. However in his defense, I would say it's everything not Nicolas Cage's fault. Madam Jolie, excuse my language but what the hell is with that hair?

Best way to watch this movie: I find the car chase at the end is pretty funny in reverse.

12. License to Wed - I knew it was going to be bad and I didn't want to see it. I saw it. It was bad. It made me want to find each member of the cast so I could sock them one.

Best way to watch this movie: I'm sorry but I'm not into self harm.

11. Basic Instinct 2 - Never saw it. Don't need to. I think it's like one of those genetic things. I just inherently know it belongs on this list.

Best way to watch this movie: If you have a female dog, keep her handy. That way no one can accuse you of swearing, when you find yourself saying "bitch" early and often.

9. Little Man - I saw 20 minutes of this when I couldn't help it. Those were 20 of the worst minutes of my life.

Best way to watch this movie: If you have the flu you might as well, since you'll already be throwing up.

8. Scary Movie - While it was the best and most tolerable of the series, even going so far as to offer a few laughs, it still spawned the sequels and subsequent "Epic Movie" genre. For that it must be held accountable.

Best way to watch this movie: Instead of shock treatment?

7. Van Wilder - This movie wanted to be everything it wasn't. A shame since so many funny and talented people are in it. Well not Tara Reid. She's more funny in that sad way.

Best way to watch this movie: As a drinking game. Every time something disgusting happens, take a shot.

6. The Da Vinci Code - The book wasn't that entertaining, merely rehashing old ideas. What chance did old man Opie have?

Best way to watch this movie: It'll go perfect in a double feature alongside a Beautiful Mind.

5. New Moon - Yep. Just as stupid as the first, but this time with less action!

Best way to watch this movie: Lobotomy?

4. Bubble - I watched this because I liked some of Soderbergh's films and thought the idea of releasing a film simultaneously on cable, in theaters and on video, seemed like something that should be encouraged. Taught me a lesson.

Best way to watch this movie: Screw you Soderbergh.

3. Adaption - Seriously, you'd think you'd have figured by now just how much of a lie I told. I was looking forward to seeing it when it came out. Now I feel absolutely nothing one way or the other towards it. It's completely forgettable, which to my estimation, is one of the biggest cinematic sins you can commit.

Best way to watch this movie: Hmm... Watch a different Kaufman film?

2. The entire SAW series thus far - Bit of squeeze but I fit them all in. The first one was predictable and stupid. The second one was predictable and stupid. I watched them because I was led to believe they were better than they were. The third one I didn't want to watch and ended up seeing anyway. It then became law that I would never see one again.

Best way to watch this movie: Gnaw through your leg.

1. Mike Myers films - There where moments when I thought a bit part might redeem him a little. They really can't. There was a time when I could see his name attached to a project like "The Secret Life of Walter Mitty" and feel excitement. Those days are long gone.

Best way to watch this movie: Erase the last decade, pop in a copy of "So I Married an Axe Murderer" and watch selected scenes.

Well, thanks for stopping by. I hope you enjoyed our presentation of "Our Town." We'll see you next time.

Wow..great list. I think that you, like me, just write from your gut and see what comes out in the end. It's the purest form of opinion anyways. Some thoughts...

Mike Myers movies - one highlight reel. When he does good stuff it's funny as hell - Dr. Evil and the Dad from 'So I Married..." but when he is bad he is worse than Jim Carrie.

OMG...Garfield. It had Jennifer Love in it? Bill Murray's voice? I had to watch and felt dirty dirty dirty afterwards. Like when you find out the girl you are dating is not only a hooker but also a man.

I loved Daredevil actually. Like I love the first two Spider-Man movies. I just do. No apologies here. It was made with love. Yeh I said it bitch - love.

Well I would say it's the same thing with Jim Carrey as with Mike Myers. It's all dependent upon the role. I really did love Axe Murderer though. There was a time when I could quote the thing start to finish.

Spiderman needs no apologies. Daredevil... I guess everyone's entitled to love a couple movies the rest of the world snubs.