‘We Meant What We Said,’ Says Blood-Covered Senate Leader

WASHINGTON—Declaring that the president had been warned about naming a justice during an election year, a defiant Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell reportedly held up the severed head of Supreme Court nominee Merrick Garland this afternoon while standing in front of the Capitol building.

WASHINGTON—In a move aimed at blocking any attempt by President Obama to appoint a new Supreme Court justice before he leaves the White House next January, Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell reportedly had his hands and vocal cords surgically removed Thursday to prevent himself from holding a hearing to replace the late Justice Antonin Scalia.

WASHINGTON—Admitting that it might be nice to just relax and take it easy over the next several weeks, Supreme Court justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, 83, was reportedly debating Friday whether to cancel her upcoming winter vacation plans to scale the world’s second-highest mountain, K2.

WASHINGTON—Trading legends they had heard about the old chair as they gathered together a safe distance from the abandoned, dilapidated structure, a group of neighborhood teens reportedly stopped while passing through Capitol Hill this afternoon and spent several minutes throwing rocks at the heavily overgrown, long-vacant Supreme Court seat.

WASHINGTON—Having followed the media coverage surrounding his nomination to the Supreme Court, 63-year-old appeals court judge Merrick Garland reported Thursday that he is actually pretty uncomfortable with the number of political analysts who have been casually pointing out that he will die relatively soon.

WASHINGTON—Moving quickly to begin the process of filling the unexpected vacancy on the Supreme Court bench, President Obama spent much of the weekend compiling a shortlist of gay, transsexual abortion doctors to replace the late Antonin Scalia, White House sources confirmed Monday.

WASHINGTON—Finishing off the judicial pragmatist with his signature Flying Hammer Of Precedent, John Roberts reportedly dove from atop the Supreme Court bench Tuesday and delivered a final knockout blow to Stephen Breyer to retain the title of Chief Justice.

WASHINGTON—Following decades of debate over the constitutional right to same-sex marriage, the U.S. Supreme Court today handed down a 5-4 ruling in favor of the most buck-wild, balls-to-the-wall gay pride parade this country has ever seen.

WASHINGTON—Following the Supreme Court’s landmark decision making same-sex marriage legal nationwide, sources confirmed Friday that only 47,000 social justice milestones need to be reached before the U.S. achieves full equality.

‘Rules Are Rules,’ Say Those With Deeply Ingrained Prejudices

WASHINGTON—Following the Supreme Court’s landmark ruling that bans on same-sex marriage were unconstitutional, the nation’s homophobic bigots reportedly conceded today that “rules are rules” and announced that they were going to pack it in.

WASHINGTON—Following the Supreme Court’s decision to uphold crucial portions of the Affordable Care Act, citizens across the country reportedly took a brief break Thursday from waiting on hold with their insurance providers to celebrate.

WASHINGTON—Following weeks of declining performance within the nation’s highest judicial body, the Supreme Court announced Thursday that it has sent a struggling Associate Justice Samuel Alito down to a lower federal court.

WASHINGTON—Anxiously anticipating the Supreme Court’s decision on the issue, the nation was reportedly on edge Wednesday as it waited to see whether the court would legalize gay marriage now or in a few years.

WASHINGTON—Reaffirming a deeply traditionalist definition of the institution of matrimony, Supreme Court justice Samuel Alito issued a statement Monday declaring that marriage can only strictly exist between a man and the tempestuous sea.

WASHINGTON—Crowding around a small glass incubator in their personal chambers for a better vantage point, all nine members of the U.S. Supreme Court reportedly gathered Tuesday to watch a brood of baby justices hatch from their eggs.

CASTLE ROCK, CO—Nearly 45 years before he is to be appointed to the Supreme Court by the 51st president of the United States, Lucas Bevins, 8, reportedly spent Thursday afternoon ripping the legs and antennae off of a grasshopper he found in his bac...

WASHINGTON—After months of deliberation, the U.S. Supreme Court opted today to leave the ultimate decision on whether homosexuals should be allowed to marry in the more than capable hands of states such as Texas, Alabama, and Georgia.

WASHINGTON—Following two Supreme Court rulings today that allowed homosexuals in California to wed, extended federal benefits to same-sex married couples, but stopped short of calling gay marriage constitutional, the nation celebrated what is, techn...

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Son, We Need To Talk About This Supreme Court Obsession Of Yours

Son, could you come in here for a second? Well, I'm sorry, but that newspaper's just going to have to wait, because we really need to talk. Son, your mother and I have been worried about you. Your grades have been slipping, you've been spending less time with your friends, and you've been shutting yourself in your room for hours at a time. Now, I know it may make you feel uncomfortable to talk about it, but this Supreme Court obsession of yours has become a problem.

You can debate with me and defend yourself all you want, but it's evident to your mother and me that your interest borders on unhealthy. The Supreme Court is all you talk about. You lie awake at night making up fantasy scenarios about what kind of decisions William Rehnquist might make in the matter of Jill L. Brown, Acting Warden v. Charles Payton. I mean, you get more excited about the first Monday in October than your friends do about Super Bowl Sunday! Son, you shouldn't plan your life around the start of the new Supreme Court term.

Okay, name one thing you do, besides sleeping or eating, that doesn't involve the Supreme Court. Bassoon lessons don't count. Your mom and I make you take those. If you had your way, you'd be up in your room, cutting pictures of your favorite justices out of the Washington Post to add to your mural, which is another thing we need to discuss.

It's perfectly natural to go through a Supreme Court phase. I went through one myself when I was your age. I remember spending hours in the library poring over orders of the Court. I spent nights lying in bed imagining I was presiding with Warren Burger or John Jay. I even had quite a collection of court drawings from the Furman v. Georgia case thatwell, I think I was able to get them because my friend's dad knew someone who knew a lawyer. No, son, I don't still have them. My point is that I know what you're going through.

But here's the difference: Even though I was an enormous fan of the Supreme Court, I had other interests. I read mysteries. I went to movies. I kept up on the appellate and state courts and played basketball with friends. I had some of my favorite opinions up on the wall, much like you do, but I also had a couple of pictures of hot rods and a poster of Mia Farrow. Look at your roomthere's nothing but collages of court justices through the years. Your floor is covered with printouts of opinions and dissents. You spend all night on the Internet holding mock Supreme Court hearings in the chat rooms. I don't want to say it's not normal, but I do think it's behavior we need to evaluate.

Well, because it's affecting your school career. When you fake being sick, it does. Do you think your mother and I are stupid? Do you think we don't know when Court TV airs major Supreme Court decisions? Son, everybody is interested in what the Supreme Court has to say, but you can't skip school just so you can watch the outcome of United States v. Galetti. Why can't you be more like everyone else and read it the next day on page 42 in the newspaper?

Your mother and I thought if we talked to you, we might be able to show you just how far you've sunk into this Supreme Court obsession. But it's clear I'm not getting through to you. From now on, no Supreme Court of any kind. No decisions, no dissenting opinions, nothing. We're taking away your computer, and I'm going to talk to the school librarian, so if you think you can look at Supreme Court information at school, you've got another think coming. If I catch you with so much as a stay application, you'll be grounded for a month!

You're still free to read about the appellate courts, and of course I won't take your law reviews. I know it's not the same. But if you behave, maybe your mother and I will let you have your copy of Closed Chambers after a month or two. This isn't easy for me, either, but crying isn't going to help. Let's see if you can stay away from the Supreme Court for six months. Yes, six months. No, you will not die.

Don't be so dramatic. The Supreme Court is the most important judicial body in America, but it isn't everything. I'm sure you'll find plenty of things to occupy your time. Well, you'd better, because for the next six months, you are going to be Antonin Scalia and Sandra Day O'Connor-free, whether you like it or not.