Month: June 2016

After struggling for years to find a viable career path, local man Seán Cully, was pleased to announce at a press conference in Bellini’s today that he has determined the one thing at which he truly excels: “masturbating furiously”. The knuckle shuffle expert acquiesced that his skill set may not lead to financial and social […]

Newry Crown Court Judge William Smyth made what he called a “very hard decision” to have the “troubled and vicious lunatic”, William Frazer, put down. “Mr Frazer just can’t control himself,” said Judge Smyth, though he quickly added that that the decision to ultimately put the madman down was tremendously difficult for a variety of […]

#5. The Phoenix Providing you don’t sit in a regular’s chair or make eye contact with anyone at all, this is a cracking spot to grab some lunch. The atmosphere, if a little hostile at times, has a real down-to-earth vibe, and quickly takes your mind off that niggling worry that the chicken you’re eating may have […]

Buttercrane Shopping Centre has released the photos of the final six babies in the search for Newry’s cutest baby. In a close and somewhat wide ranging competition that has seen parents falling over themselves to win a small tub of Sudocrem and hamper of miscellaneous shite that the Buttercrane couldn’t shift with a snow plough […]

Newry is refusing to accept it is possibly the ugliest city in the world, despite evidence suggesting otherwise. The roots of the Ugly Tree have been traced all the way back to Barcroft this week, after global dating website POF.com ranked Newry men and women among the least attractive people on the planet. Only 11 per […]

Republican Party éirígí are looking for a second staff member in Newry on a part-time basis to help hold the other end of the banner when holding impromptu white line pickets they have said today. The below qualities is what they are looking for: *Motivated Self Starter *Good at Arts & Crafts *Strong (To hold […]

Two Newry & Armagh MLA’s are to have a no-holds-barred cage fight next month it has emerged. Sinn Fein’s Conor ‘Bone Cruncher’ Murphy will take on Justin ‘I played for Armagh’ McNulty on Friday 1st of July in Bellini’s. The event is being sponsored by the Newry, Mourne & Down District Council who claim ‘such […]

After the substitute debacle in the first game, Armagh has been awarded a second bite of the cherry against Laois in the All Ireland qualifiers. However Armagh manager and demigod Kieran McGeeney has a secret weapon up his sleeve in the guise of American billionaire rapper and record label mogul Jay-Z. The replay on the […]

All Newry pensioners are to be banned from the city centre – because they smell of cats and piss it has been revealed today. The Newry, Mourne & Down District Council has obtained blanket ASBOs that prevent anybody aged 65 or over from entering Newry city centre from 7am to 9pm. Anyone breaching the order […]

American Presidential candidate and possible 45th President of the United States Donald Trump has secretly visited Newry yesterday we can reveal. Mr Trump was in the area to get a new up style by the talented staff at ‘Bad Hair Day’ and meet with local political leaders. Bad Hair Day owner and senior stylist Michelle McGovern […]