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Question for you single guys out there. If you had a hot girl sitting next to you and she had a maggot crawling out of her eye, would that be a deal breaker? A possible turn-on maybe? You’re probably wondering why I’m asking you this absurd question. Well because it looks like that actually happens in a scene from the upcoming 2017 horror movie called The Bye Bye Man.

It’s as if The Slender Man and Mister Babadook had some hot sweaty sex and then immediately afterwards, out popped The Bye Bye Man! Now why is this movie anticipated by me? Well – a few reasons. First, as I alluded to earlier, I have a thing for CGI maggots crawling out of hot girls’ eyes. Second, character actor and contortionist Doug Jones (Hellboy 2, Pans Labyrinth) plays The Bye Bye Man. And third, because it looks like a complete clusterfuck of a horror movie and sometimes those can be rather enjoyable.

Oh – and it comes out in January which can only mean good things (for those unaware, January is a bad month to release movies). The acting doesn’t seem terrible, nor does the overall look of The Bye Bye Man – so if you wanna jump on my anticipation train, then look for the release on January 13th. And for God’s sake, don’t say or even think his name until then!

Oh yeah – the body is hot. The constipated face she’s making? Not so much. However, it seems her constipation could be used as a weapon against that creature since she’s literally dangling her ass over it’s mouth. Sorry – that flew a bit off the rails there. But yes, that is the poster for the new obvious low-budget horror film called The Creature Below. And yes, the girl on the poster looks constipated. We’ve established that already. What hasn’t been established is that The Creature Below’s teaser trailer actually looks pretty good! Check out the synopsis for the movie below, with the teaser following after that. It will take your mind off of the constipation face up there.

During a traumatic accident on a deep-sea dive, Olive, a gifted, young marine-biologist discovers an unearthly creature. Losing her dream job, Olive smuggles the creature home, intent on studying it in secret, unbeknownst to her devoted boyfriend Matt and estranged sister Ellie.

Plagued by gruesome nightmares, her fractured memories of what happened during the accident in the depths of the ocean begin to unravel, revealing her symbiotic bond with an eldritch horror far older and malevolent than she could possibly imagine, one which drives her to carry out its sinister will, with deadly results for those around her.

It’s rare that I see a horror movie poster and get a boner. What’s even more rare is when that poster doesn’t have a scantily clad woman on it, but instead has a guy with a wicked guitar and lots of blood. Ok – this isn’t helping my cause. Just take a look at the new poster for The Devil’s Candy and let the horror boners commence!

BOING!!! Ok, now I’m just hearing about The Devil’s Candy, but much like the poster – the movie itself sounds awesome too. Check the brief synopsis below:

“In this creepily haunted-house tale a struggling painter is possessed by satanic forces after he and his young family move into their dream home in rural Texas.“

The Devil’s Candy premiered last year at the Toronto International Film Festival and the response seemed to be overwhelmingly positive. No said date for a release here in the US and no trailer yet (which mildly kills my horror boner), but fear not – because the poster is a good sign of good things to come! Satanic happenings? Metal music? Lots of blood? Yes, yes, and yes please. Stay tuned for more info on The Devil’s Candy!

Fede Alvarez’s Evil Dead remake in 2013 was a breath of fresh gory air as far as horror remakes go. It gave enough nods and winks to the original, but managed to up the gross-out factor X 10 with some impressive practical effects throughout the experience. I still can’t carve a turkey without thinking of an arm getting sawed off. Well now Alvarez’s follow-up feature is finally coming in the form of Don’t Breathe – a movie that’s getting pretty solid early reviews for being a tense little ‘trapped in the house’ thriller.

The teaser poster is simple, but effective. The plot behind Don’t Breathe is about a group of teenagers who break into rich people’s houses to further their own economic status by stealing shit that isn’t theirs. Only problem is that they choose a blind guy as their latest victim and, you guessed it, the tables get turned! Originally titled A Man In The Dark (which I might like better actually), it sounds like a refreshing idea to the someone tired premise of being ‘trapped in a house’. Oh – and it stars Jane Levy who was in Alvarez’s Evil Dead as well.

Blind people in horror movies usually aren’t too successful in their quest to stay alive (I’m looking at you Suspiria and The Beyond), so to have a blind person get revenge on a bunch of kids trying to rob him sounds like a good time to me! As I stated earlier, the early buzz on this is that it’s pretty good, so stay tuned for a trailer hopefully dropping soon and a release date. In the meantime, do as the title says and don’t breathe. Actually, go ahead and breathe or you may have some health issues.

Rejoice! The trailer for the Martyrs remake is here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Let’s watch it!

…….Hmmmmm……So what’s everybody doing for Christmas? Anything good going on in the world of sports nowadays? Clearly if you can’t tell, I’m avoiding talking about the trailer. To start – it can be said that the original French version of Martyrs is one of those films that had a strong impact on me after I watched it. It’s definitely not for everyone, and will most likely turn your stomach in different directions, but the original Martyrs is the epitome of an impactful horror movie.

So what’s my beef with the remake and the trailer? Mostly that it’s the definition of an unnecessary remake. Now, I did hear good things about the Goetz Brothers’ first film Scenic Route, so I’m not going to fault them for trying to tackle Martyrs here. But when you watch the trailer, the editing is choppy and it screams ‘direct-to-DVD’, which after further investigation seems to be the case.

Anchor Bay will be releasing it in limited theaters and Digital HD on January 22nd, but then quickly putting it out on VOD, DVD, and Blu-ray two weeks later. And that my friends is a slap in the face to the original and more proof that there was no need to remake it. So let’s take a look back at one of the scenes from the fantastic original Martyrs and wash this bad remake taste out of our mouths ASAP:

Maybe my finger just isn’t on the pulse of horror as much as it should be, because I either completely forgot or didn’t realize that there was another remake of The Blob in the works. Once attached to Rob Zombie (which would have been……interesting), it looks like director Simon West is going behind the camera to bring our favorite blobby killer to the big screen again.

I believe I’ve let it be known that I hold the 1988 remake of The Blob in the highest regard as far as horror remakes go. It paid homage to the 1958 original and introduced some amazing practical make-up effects for it’s time (not including Kevin Dillon’s hair) that still hold up to this day. Not sure that we really need another rendition or update to The Blob, but it looks as though Samuel L. Jackson will be our main star battling the reincarnated blob.

Not a bad choice, but what troubles me is that director Simon West has said that ‘with modern CGI we can now fully realize the potential of The Blob‘. Granted there was some bad 80’s CGI in the 1988 version, but these days CGI is overused in a lot movies, including horror. As long as those involved with this remake/reboot have fun with it and don’t make things too serious, we might be ok. We’ll know more once a trailer pops up as far as what we’re dealing with though, so until then let’s enjoy all of the death scenes from the 1988 classic (yep, I’m calling it a classic):

One of my worst memories as a child was excitedly running through the park by my house to get to my favorite swing on the playground. That’s not the bad part – the bad part is when I unknowingly stepped on a bee and got stung. Oh the pain that I would incur for about five agonizing minutes was torture to a young boy. And ever since then, I was terrified of bees.

Which brings me to the real point of this post, which is to share with you my anticipation for an upcoming horror/comedy that centers around bees (more specifically: wasps) called Stung.

Lance Henriksen? Giant Killer Wasps? Lance Henriksen?!?! Now, I’m more than willing to push my fear of bees to the side so I can sit down and fully enjoy Stung when it’s released later this year. Obviously it’s not to be taken seriously and is definitely more in the horror/comedy range instead of straight horror. Watching this trailer honestly makes me want to go watch some other giant killer bug movies like Ticks and Mosquito. Get ready for Stung to come buzzing to theaters (sorry for that bad pun) sometime later this year and early reviews from screenings have been positive so far. By the way, did you know that if you do ever get stung by a bee, you should put a mixture of baking soda and water on it? It diminishes the pain and hardens the stinger so it pops out. You learned something today!

I haven’t went on a good rant in a while. And what better place to start it back up than with this upcoming remake of the amazing 2008 French horror movie, Martyrs.

I’ll save my breath about Hollywood and the fact that they can’t come up with any original ideas anymore for horror movies, let alone movies in general. The soon-to-be released Poltergeist remake looks pretty much like a CGI-infused carbon copy of the original. And don’t get me started on this “exact script as the original” version for the Cabin Fever that’s going to be forced upon us soon. But none gets my blood boiling more than the upcoming remake of Martyrs, a truly original and mesmerizing horror masterpiece in my opinion that not only punches you in the gut while you watch it, but makes you contemplate something as important and thought provoking as afterlife. Oh, and it’s got one amazing shotgun blast death scene too.

Tremendous, isn’t it? If you’ve seen the original Martrys, then I don’t have to tell you it goes to places that most American films don’t have the balls to go to. And therein lies the problem with this remake. I just don’t have an ounce of faith that it will take you to where the original went and make you feel what the original made you feel in the end. Martyrs was one of the only horror movies that literally made me sit in silence after I watched it for a good 15 minutes or so. But who knows….maybe the directing duo of The Goetz Brothers (there are two of them, so maybe that’s an advantage) will prove me wrong and deliver something faithful and honorable to that 2008 version. At least they’re not overselling it already and calling it ‘The Ultimate Horror Movie‘ or anything like that.

Going back home to Indiana for the holidays brings me much joy because I get to go to White Castle. And I also get to see my family, but I more look forward to going to White Castle. Only one thing could upstage tasty burgers and a bag of french fries though – and that one thing is a mysterious house of demons located in a lovely subdivision in Gary, Indiana.

A quick backstory for those who are unfamiliar with this house: Latoya Ammons and her three children claimed everything from unexplained levitations to demonic possessions while living at 3860 Carolina Street in 2011. Even a priest swears to have witnessed some of these freaky supernatural acts. So it has to be true if a man of the cloth is vouching for it, right? That’s why I had to witness this ‘demon house’ for myself while I was in Indiana and before I did, I told my loved ones to keep my legacy alive should something happen to me.

So off I went to the mean streets of Gary, Indiana with my two chicken-shit nephews as my backup. As I crept up Carolina street, my nerves were a wreck as I could feel evil approaching. And then I came face to face with the ‘demon house’ and was completely frozen with fear:

Terrifying! And also delicious because I have a hankering for some M&Ms now. Ok, ok – that’s not the ‘demon house’, but it is in the vicinity of it. Now here is the actual ‘demon house’ in all of it’s spooky glory:

The good news: I made it out alive. The bad news: I’m vomiting up pea soup uncontrollably now. No doubt, it’s a creepy house from the outside. Not quite as creepy though as the house next to it with the 100-year-old candy canes hanging on fish wire in the window. Sadly, I didn’t get a pic of that, but you can use your imagination. One intriguing development from the past few months on the ‘demon house’ though is that it is being made into a major motion picture. Everyone involved in the actual events has sold their story and director Lee Daniels (The Butler) will be going behind the camera.

Now do I believe in all of the actual accounts that were said to have happened in the ‘demon house’? No. No I do not. Maybe just the skeptic in me and I honestly do believe in some supernatural entities, but after reading about this story, I did not really come away convinced. But I am glad that I was able to visit the house, even though I do regret not taking a picture in front of it. You know what’s good for regrets though? White Castle.

Dammit. There’s nothing worse for me than having to say that I may have been wrong about something. A few months back, I did a post about the news of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre prequel, cleverly titled Leatherface, being developed and I pretty much raked it over the coals. And then the director (or should I say directors) were announced last week. Gulp.

It looks as though Julien Maury and Alexandre Bustillo have signed on to direct Leatherface. Why is that gulp-inducing news? Because the French team directed one of my favorite and one of the most jaw-dropping horror movies I’ve ever seen called Inside back in 2007. Not only that, but I also dug their artistic take on the vampire genre called Livid in 2011. So what does all of this mean? It means that Leatherface is in good hands and you can proceed to get your hopes up now!

Granted, we still are going to have to relive teenage Leatherface in the 70’s, complete with acne and awkward voice changes – but I honestly feel that if anyone can make this work, it’s this directing duo. Cross your fingers for a minimum amount of studio involvement. And also cross your fingers that Renee Zellweger doesn’t make an appearance.