Hi! My name is Ebba and I'm 20 years old. I´ve had eating disorders since I was 12 years. I was treated for that from that I was 14 until I turned 18, when I finished the treatment voluntarily because I did not feel that I received any help that gave permanent results. I have during this time tested almost all the help that is available: I have had conversations on an eating disorder unit for several years, both psychologists, nurses, doctors and occupational therapists. I have been holspitalized several months with gavage and I have also received day care, but none of these treatments have helped me.
In 2011 my situation changed compared with the past, I have felt even worse mentally and I started with new unhealthy eating behavior. I'm worried about my health and have been for a very long time now. I have tried to change my behavior myself for a very long time without success.
I turn to you in Desteni because a friend of mine told me about you, and it was when she met people in desteni in Africa she became FREE from her eating disorder. I just want to leave Sweden now, I can't stay here and watch me destroy myself.
I would love if someone can get in touch with me if you feel that you want to tell me more about Desteni and how I can help myself through this and become FREE!
Love and freedom <3

Cool that you've come here to share your current situation. There are some points to know about what we do here. See, Desteni is a platform of Self Support, which means that we apply tools with wich we are the ones that take Self Responsibility for our current reality, to walk a process of Self-Support through Self Forgiveness, writing ourselves to freedom and understanding what it is that it means to live in Self Honesty.

Now, due to your current experience I suggest that you first realize that here you will be supporting-you, this is a process that each one of us have willed ourselves to walk/ apply with the tools mentioned above. This is then to explain how it is not that the current situations you'll be facing will be 'erased' or 'removed' magically, no. Here we support ourselves with all the material that is shared, we read/ hear the interviews, watch and read each participants' vlogs and blogs who are also walking this process of Self Correction wherein we all face our reality, what we have accepted and allowed ourselves to become to take a definitive stand to support ourselves.

With this, realize that coming here will imply applying you: writing yourself, writing and applying Self Forgiveness, reading the forums is of great support as well to see how we apply the tools and how the process of living it goes hand-in-hand with this process of taking Self Responsibility.

For now, the process is then to ground/ support yourself through understanding that it is possible for us to correct our current patterns if we will ourselves to do so. No one else will do this for you, but yourself. Thus, I suggest to realize that this is not about wanting to run and hide from yourself now. In this process we face ourselves full-on through exposing/ revealing to oursleves through writing what we have accepted and allowed ourselves to be/ become. Thus, breathe through this, share it so that we can support you when necessary on providing feedback on your writings and as you go walking this.

What Desteni is about is able to be read all over the forum, check out the articles in the homepage. Suggest you browse through the topics Writing yourself to Freedom, wherein you can also open up your thread to share your writings, check out Sharing Self Forgiveness to see how that works as a written and lived process. We list all our blogs and vlogs as we go publishing them which you can also browse through to get a more tangible feedback on what walking this process implies.

I suggest that you take your time to do this, read through it, go writing for yourself is stuff comes up as you read and if any questions arise within any of the threads, you just leave the question/ comment for further feedback.

Here you get the tools and support to support yourself - so, suggest you take this opportunity to do so to finally see how it is that we have craeted all our disorders and can in fact stop and live a self-corrective process to start finally living, which is what I could say equates to being 'free' yet within taking into consideration a principle that is lived/ applied and considered at all times: what's best for all.

You can use the search button to find any keywords that you could use to support yourself within the specific points you're facing at the moment.

Ebba, great to see that you are here now!
I know its hard but as I said, You can do this, anyone can - I mean even I was able to stop and stand up from my self-created hell and if I can, you can!!!!!!
I'm still here to support, whenever you're having trouble understanding something, just send me a text.
You are the one who has to do the practical job but we are all here to support you as we support ourselves.

As you know, there aren't such a thing as a quick solution and no one can do it for you, realize that you have the courage and you are the directive principle of you, don't allow the mind to control you.
What you are going through right now is tough and it has become an automatic behavior - so don't be to hard on yourself, this will take time - I am still working on the exact same points as I did in the beginning, but I realized that a behavior that we have lived according to for almost all our life will also take time to change and then you also need to create new behaviors that actually support you and you physical body. Don't give up, know that you can start over in each and every breath - Ive been starting over at least a hundred times! It will become easier as well, even though I am working with the same points Ive been (as you know) come a far way. I found that changing my practical application was the easiest part, its all the thoughts, feelings and emotions that will take time to stop and learning how to stop the thoughts/feelings/emotions is something we all work on and will take several years.

You have the courage, stand up and become a living example for those that go through the same as you, I know that you don't want to see anyone else going through the same hell as you and when I realized that I also found it easier to let go. Allow yourself to live for you, this is the only life that we know of.

I will admit that the process of stopping the self-abuse is really hard. But it's much harder to continue living like a zombie trapped in our own thoughts.
Never hesitate to call/text whenever - I answer as fast as I am able to! Keep pushing, you can do it Ebba!
And welcome! /Malin från MHE-Kliniken

I just want to leave Sweden now, I can't stay here and watch me destroy myself.

Another thing to realize Ebba - is that changing your environment through "going away"/"leaving sweden" isn't a solution at all.
Nothing changes just because you change your environment, you need to change and face how you experience yourself in the environment that you are in right now.
You will, just like I did before, delude yourself through thinking and believing that you can "run away" from your problems and experiences as emotions, thoughts and feelings through going some place that are different from your current occupation - realize that YOU are the ONE creating your occupation/your reality and your world - through the mind and how the mind interpret the situations that you are facing,
so what I suggest is for you to;
1.Make out/take a look at what it is that you see in your world and your reality that result in you experiencing it as if you don't want to take part of it.
2.What of yourself do you see that you want to run away from/hide from/destroy.
3.Forgive yourself for what you've blamed yourself for-instead of realizing that it's not about blame - but finding a way out/a solution.

Ebba - Nothing changed because I went to the farm in South Africa, I changed myself through directing myself and my world/reality. No one did it for me, I just received the tools that I needed to be able to support myself to change!
HUG!!!!!!!!!!

Hi Ebba, great that you came here to support yourself. Eating disorders are the worst type of self-created hell, I'm also dealing with one, among other things. The support you will get here is priceless in terms of real caring, not that pretend I-get-paid-for-my-work shit that therapists try to give you