Jessica Zucker, Ph.D.'s Bio

Attachment Angst? Pave a Path of Presence

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Parents are
often burdened by internalized expectations surrounding attachment. Cultural pressures seep into our pores,
clogging our hearts/minds with a million different ideas of how we "should" raise our children. Egging women on to
embody unattainable perfection from head to toe, cultural pressures leave us
feeling compass-less and palpably insecure during times when we need to trust
ourselves most. Ubiquitous Super Mommy
messages drain the life force out of genuine connection and intuitive
responsiveness. Laying the groundwork
for healthy attachment relationships with our children may be easier than we
think.

Stripping away
the external frills, media hype, and ever-present "shoulds" of babydom allows
us to wholeheartedly plunge into the basic elements that make up healthy
connection and fruitful development. When we focus our energies on the burgeoning relationship with our
children rather than culturally-bound trends handed down from generation to
generation, we find that presence of mind is one of the most powerful conduits
for connecting.

Here are some
enriching tid bits about attachment and simple steps you can take with the aim
of laying a foundation of health in the relationship with your child.

* * *

Q: What is attachment?

A: Attachment
is the process as well as the quality of the relationship that an infant forms
with caregivers. Initial experiences in
relationship with primary caregivers creates the infrastructure for subsequent
relationships - how the developing child views connection, how she experiences
her self, and the world around her. Attachment can occur with biological and adoptive mothers, fathers,
stepparents, grandparents, and any other consistent person in the child’s
life. Embedded in repeated experiences
of predictable care, the infant learns about trust and security. Growing up in an environment infused with
safety and intentionality ensures healthy social and emotional
development. "Children with a history of
secure attachment show substantially greater self-esteem, emotional health and
ego resilience, positive affect, initiative, social competence, and
concentration in play than do their insecure peers" (Wallin, 2007).

Q: What are some concrete ways to set
the stage for my child(ren) to experience a secure attachment?

A: Research has
found that it is the quality of the infant-caregiver interaction rather than
the quantity of care that establishes the health in the attachment bond. In other words, the caregiver’s sensitivity
to the infant’s gestures and expressions during interactions is of paramount
importance. Number of hours spent together is not necessarily equated with
security of attachment. For example, if
a mother is home with her child full-time feeling depressed, notably
overwhelmed, and appreciably disconnected from her infant, the distressing
quality of their interactions may deleteriously impact the child’s sense of poise
and/or interpersonal security. Having a
nuanced sense of what makes you feel the most present with your child will
benefit the emotional health of the family.

The
caregiver-infant patterns of communication hold great potential in establishing
a secure attachment. Consistent maternal
attunement facilitates the infant’s ability to freely explore the world around
her, engage in spontaneous play, and rely on the caregiver to provide loving
responses. Repeated instances of feeling
cared for results in a child’s establishment of behavioral expectations for
future interactions, inside and outside of the home. Optimally, she learns to expect that people
can provide safety, spontaneity, and continuity.

Security is
further felt when the caregiver illustrates thoughtful actions and mindful
behaviors. These include: narrating for
your child the events of the day as you move from one activity to the next,
prolonged gazing and smiling, cuddling and comforting, skin to skin gentle
touch, as well as calmly and consistently tolerating the variety of affective
states your baby exhibits as she begins to take in the world around her.

Babies often
feel distressed and unequipped to modulate their changing feelings. Infants depend on the attachment figure to
help them manage and tolerate their affective experiences. This requires caregivers to "bear within
herself, to process, and to re-present to the baby in a tolerable form what was
previously the baby’s intolerable emotional experience" (Wallin, 2007). Ideally, during the initial months of your
baby’s life, she learns that caregivers are able to gracefully navigate
challenging moments with love and understanding. Caregiver consistency, responsiveness, and
sensitivity yields infant flexibility, resilience, and a sense of attachment
security.

Q: How do the earliest moments between
infant and caregiver impact future relationships?

A: Healthy
development and attachment security flourish when resonant, competent, attuned,
loving, and consistent parental behaviors mark the initial months of a baby’s
life. Babies bask in a comforting
balance between connection and exploration as a direct result of environmental
safety and trustworthy role modeling. Sensing that the world is a safe place reinforces self-confidence, trust
in others, and a feeling that love and growth are generative. Conversely, when infants experience their
caregiver as threatening or regrettably unstable, fear of closeness can
prevail. Our internal compass for
establishing and navigating relationships is initially arranged through seminal
infant-caregiver interactions. Simply
put, when early life feels melodic and predictable, the world and others in it
feel approachable. The template for how
we come to understand what it means to be in relationship with others is set up
during infancy and into toddlerhood.
These formative relational patterns persist as we journey into adolescents
and adulthood.

Q: How can I prepare to become a parent
who offers my child(ren) a different experience than I had growing up?

A: Awareness is
essential. Having a reflective stance
and carving out time to consider your attachment relationship history can have
far-reaching effects on your future parenting patterns. Research has found that forthcoming
attachment security is more likely when parents have been honest with themselves
about the realities of their own childhood experiences. Therefore, we need not have experienced
perfect, flawless childhoods ourselves in order to ensure our future offspring
with secure relationships. What is
vital, however, is having a curiosity about the realities of how you were
raised, your formative relationships, and how you were impacted by your experiences-
the good, the bad, and everything in between. Reviewing our lives through a raw and honest lens will allow us to more
deeply understand why we are who we are. This type of reflection is a natural springboard for cultivating
additional insight, mourning difficulties in childhood relationships, and
honing aspects of your personhood that may create a more harmonious babyhood
for your children.

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