Revision as of 21:25, February 14, 2011

The Year: The future

*Woosh!* *Pew!* *Pew!* *Kablam!*

[Space. Starship USS Kelvin approaches a CGI lightning storm, its many polygons a'twirling and a'flashing. Scene shifts to the bridge on the Kelvin, which looks futuristic but not messed up and weird. This means it's a human starship. On the bridge are a bunch of humans; male and female, all terribly attractive and healthy and virile. Off to one side is one not-human, who probably is considered a real catch to whatever species he/she/it happens to be. In the Captain's chair sits Robau who, appropriately, is Captain of the vessel]

Crewman: "Captain, we're approaching a Plot Contrivance."

Captain Robau: "I thought we were here to investigate a lightning storm."

Crewman: "Sensors indicate that it's a Plot Contrivance now."

Captain Robau: "Good. Lightning storms are dangerous, even out here in space. I'm just glad it's a regular Plot Contrivance and not one with Mining Ship from an Alien Culture from the Future coming out of it."

Crewman: "Captain! There's Mining Ship from an Alien Culture from the Future coming through the lightn...Plot Contrivance!"

Meanwhile, on board Mining Ship from an Alien Culture from the Future

[Scene is a lounge in a bondage bar, less the thumping music and the greasy broad in the corner with the riding crop and bored eyes. Compared to the sexually integrated Kelvin, it's Sausage Party. Everyone in the bar is a butch dude in leather. Must be 'bear night'. And they've got odd piercing holes, odder tattoos and oddest body-mod'd pointy ears. The, um, let's say Romulans are into some freaky shit.]

Angry Elf: "Oh, yeah? Well this is a mining ship! Come over here or we'll smelt your entire crew! Close Threatening Channel!"

Crewman: "Closing Threatening Channel!"

[Threatening Channel is closed]

Back on board USS Kelvin

[Bridge. Crew continues to be attractive. Solitary not-human crewmember continues to be not-human]

Captain Robau: "Well, we clearly don't stand a chance against Mining Ship from an Alien Culture from the Future. What I will have to do is go over there and talk this out."

Crewman: "Are you sure that's wise?"

Captain Robau: "C'mon! I can't lose. I'm Captain Robau, the most famous of all Starfleet officers."

[insert uncomfortable pause]

*Woosh!* *Pew!* *Pew!* *Kablam!*

Captain Robau: "Knowing that nothing will go wrong, and that you here on my ship can do nothing if the something that can't go wrong goes wrong, when I go to Mining Ship from an Alien Culture from the Future, monitor my lifesigns for some reason. Captain Kirk's Father, you have the Con. If I'm not back in Arbitrary Amount of Time, evacuate the ship."

Captain Kirk's Father: "Come back safe, Captain. I'll introduce you to Captain Kirk's Father's Wife, who is on board this heavily armed warship for some reason and is also Pregnant. And in Labor. It's a good thing my commitment to duty puts me here, on the bridge, rather than down in the medical, um, place, being supportive to Captain Kirk's Father's Pregnant Wife Who is Also in Labor. I'm sure that I will have many years with both her, Captain Kirk's Father's Pregnant Wife Who is Also in Labor, and my son, Captain Kirk's Father's Pregnant Wife Who is Also in Labor's Son, who I have not met but surely will."

And...back to the Mining Ship from an Alien Culture from the Future

[Still on the bridge. Or somewhere. Precipitous falls and no railings abound. Also, the floor is all wet. It's not a particularly classy bondage bar]

[Angry Elf tosses a, um, let's say hologram in the air. An image of a dopey looking ship appears and rotates futuristically, but with artifacting and stuttering, because even in the future wireless lan is shit]

[Ignoring Captain Robau's question the, um, let's say Captain of Mining Ship from an Alien Culture from the Future, a Badass, interjects while sitting in his Badass Chair]

Badass in the Badass Chair: "What is the Stardate?"

Captain Robau: "Uh, I don't know. Tuesday?"

[Captain Robau looks around]

Captain Robau: "Anybody got a SpaceCalendar?"

Badass in the Badass Chair: "Rawr!"

[Badass in the Badass Chair totally goes all Hulk and runs a spear through Captain Robau. The spear has a switch or some shit on it that, when pressed by Badass in the Badass Chair, has other friggin' spears pop out of it. Or something. In any event, it's pretty badass]

On USS Kelvin

[On bridge, Crewman (and Also Crewman and Also Crewman II and Crewman Again But a Different One) gaze agog at the badass action that they are in no way a part of]

Crewman: "Wow. It's like we're watching a movie..."

Also Crewman: "The Captain is dead."

Crewman: "...flatline."

Captain Kirk's Father: "Open fire!"

[Fireworks, explosions, THX certified, blah, blah, blah. Audience now has ADD. USS Kelvin gets its ass handed to it by a remarkably well armed mining ship]

Captain Kirk's Father: "Abandon ship! I will dally here momentarily to engage the self destruct, which will destroy this starship and would also kill me, if I didn't have a seat waiting for me on one of its many spacious escape pods. And I will also set the cruise control, so that I don't have to make Ultimate Sacrifice."

[USS Kelvin gets more ass handed to it, crew evacuates. On-screen, the only thing that's still working and not smoking or sparking, Captain Kirk's Father's Pregnant Wife Who is Also in Labor appears while enroute to escape pod or something]

Captain Kirk's Father's Pregnant Wife Who is Also in Labor: "Captain Kirk's Father, I'm having a baby! You should come with me, in the Kelvin's unarmed, slow, unmaneuverable and defenceless escape pods. There's no way a vessel that just killed our Captain for some reason and didn't break a sweat kicking our asses would possibly go after pods such as these. Just set the cruise control and come be with me for the rest of your long life!"

[Cruise control, labeled 'Product of Lucas Industries, Stardate 1959', blows its fuse. Captain Kirk's Father, who wants to be with Captain Kirk's Father's Pregnant Wife Who is Also in Labor, has to fly the ship manually into Mining Ship from an Alien Culture from the Future, which will be hell on his insurance rates]

Captain Kirk's Father: "Sorry, Captain Kirk's Father's Pregnant Wife Who is Also in Labor, but it looks like I'll have to crash in to Mining Ship from an Alien Culture from the Future, which proved completely impervious to our weapons, to give you the time to slowly drift away from the ship that our ship can't hope to destroy. I'm making Ultimate Sacrifice to save you."

Captain Kirk's Father's Pregnant Wife Who is Also in Labor: "...and also our son, um, Captain Kirk's Father's Pregnant Wife Who is Also in Labor's Son!"

Captain Kirk's Father: "Oh, the pathos!"

[Missiles and lasers and shit. CGI impacts other CGI. Explosions. Mining Ship from an Alien Culture from the Future is temporarily in no real danger at all when its critical design flaw, having a ship crash in to it, proves to be a minor inconvenience. Captain Kirk's Father's Pregnant Wife Who is Also in Labor floats away with Captain Kirk's Father's Pregnant Wife Who is Also in Labor's Son in escape pod. A little 'Captain Kirk's Father's Pregnant Wife Who is Also in Labor's Son on Board' sign can be seen in the back window]

Ten Years Later, Earth, Iowa

"Go ahead and do it. Dead or alive, you're coming with me."

[Brat steals stepfather's classic Corvette, speeds, is chased by a robocop that isn't RoboCop (or perhaps it's just a cop) who rides a hoverbike that isn't nearly as cool as it should be, and drives the 'Vette off a cliff at the end of a road that simply ends at a cliff, for Abruptly Simplified Character Backstory. While doing so he survives by jumping backwards faster than the car is going forwards. After defying physics, Brat defiantly states that he's "Son of Captain Kirk's Father"]

Still Ten Years Later (On, um, let's say Vulcan)

[Several Vulcan children are in a classroom, if Vulcan Children's Classrooms are giant, poorly lit vaults with golf ball-esque dents in the floor for some reason. Three Anonymous Vulcan Children approach an Anonymous Half-Breed Vulcan Child. Half Vulcans are easy to distinguish from pure ones by their eyebrows, which they both have, and their pointy ears, which they also both have]

Anonymous Half-Breed Vulcan Child: "Don't pick on me. Due to the conflict between my emotional human side and my rational Vulcan side, it's like I'm all torn between two worlds or something."

On Vulcan, Slightly Later

Spock's Father: "I'm disappointed in you. You don't act like a, um, Vulcan. Which you aren't. Not really. But you are. The choice is yours; be either the Vulcan that you aren't, or the Human that you also aren't. You have to accept who you are. We certainly won't. Because Vulcans are so rational."

Spock: "Oh, the pathos!"

On Vulcan, Sometime After That, With a Now Adult-Sized Spock

[Scene is a hallway, with a Giant Desk that has Vulcans of Average Size behind it, framed as a Dutch Angle. Spock stands before them, looking up at them as they look down on him, both figuratively and literally, in whatever the opposite of a Dutch Angle is]

Vulcan of Average Size Behind Giant Desk: "You did pretty well, here at Vulcan School, considering your limitation. As such we accept your application to Important Vulcan Place, half-breed."

Spock: "I'm running away and joining the circu...um, Starfleet!"

Back in Iowa

"Your lips say 'No', but your eyes...also say 'No'."

[Tall Cool Drink of Water in a Starfleet uniform walks into bar that in no way is good enough for her fine fineness. Young Jack Nicholson, at bar, sees her]

Young Jack Nicholson: "I'm disheveled and drunk and male. Therefore, I think that I'm in your league."

Tall Cool Drink of Water: "I'm not interested."

Young Jack Nicholson: "Would you be interested if I mumbled and slurred some more?"

[Fight ensues, Young Jack Nicholson gets the shit kicked out of him, resulting in very little actual damage besides some scratches and a bloody nose. Segue enters bar]

Segue: "I've seen your scores for some reason. They are off the chart. You are special. You could be great. You should follow Destiny. You have a choice. A choice in Destiny. Also, you sound like a cut-rate Christian Slater and you look like Hank from The Venture Bros."

Young Jack Nicholson Cut-Rate Christian Slater Who Looks Like Hank From The Venture Bros: "If it's 'Destiny', do I really have a choice? Captain Pike, what is Free Will in a universe where one's path is unalterable?"

Segue Captain Pike: "See? You're really all smart and stuff, just like Giant Thugs in Starfleet Uniforms who just mauled you. You should join Starfleet, where the best people go to follow their Destiny. Just like Giant Thugs in Starfleet Uniforms did."

Cut-Rate Christian Slater Who Looks Like Hank From The Venture Bros: "The school that accepts only the best Mankind has to offer wants a drunk buffoon?"

Captain Pike: "Starfleet doesn't want what you are. They want what you can be. Destiny. In Arbitrary Amount of Time you can be Captain. Captain Kirk. Captain Kirk. Captain Kirk. Do you know about your father?"

Cut-Rate Christian Slater Who Looks Like Hank From The Venture Bros Kirk: "Was he the best star pilot in the galaxy, and a cunning warrior?"

Captain Pike: "Yes. And by 'yes' I mean 'no'. Your father served as Captain for fifteen minutes and lost a third of his crew. In, say, a hundred and twenty-seven minutes, you can lose a bunch more than that."

Iowa, the Next Day

*Rebel!* *Fight!* *Fight!* *Destiny!*

[Kirk rides his non-hoverbike out to SpaceDock, which is in the middle of a farmer's field in Iowa for some reason. Music swells. Kirk chooses Free Will to follow Destiny. Approaching Starfleet Shuttle from Starfleet Academy that's visiting SpaceDock, he sees the pilot, who is Captain Pike for some reason]

Kirk: "I'll make Captain in Arbitrary Amount of Time that's less than Arbitrary Amount of Time you mentioned to me earlier."

[Kirk boards Starfleet Shuttle from Starfleet Academy, sees Tall Cool Drink of Water in among about twenty other people in Starfleet uniforms. Guy Who Looks Like Guy Who Was Not-The-Rock in Doom Movie enters ship, sits beside Kirk]

Guy Who Looks Like Guy Who Was Not-The-Rock in Doom Movie: "I'm quite neurotic. Also, I'm running away from a messy divorce. In a related note, my nickname will be 'Bones', because that's all my ex-wife left me after the divorce which I'm running away from. That, and the muscles."

Kirk: "Bones, we are now friends."

Guy Who Looks Like Guy Who Was Not-The-Rock in Doom Movie Bones: "Yes. We are. Because if there is one thing that I know, it's that whiny strutting assholes are best friends with muscular neurotic doctors."

Three Years Later, Space

[Mining Ship from an Alien Culture from the Future just sits there. Waiting]

Angry Elf: "Badass in the Badass Chair, another Plot Contrivance is opening up, and a ship that looks like the one we asked Captain Kirk's Father about years ago is coming out of it. Also, except for your missing chunk of ear, we haven't changed at all. And in all this time, nobody has mopped up all this water."

Badass in the Badass Chair: "I recognize the pilot. It's Guy Who Played Leonard Nimoy in The Simpson's Episode 'Marge Versus the Monorail'."

Angry Elf: "Good thing, too. My angry face was starting to cramp up."

Badass in the Badass Chair: "Capture the ship and bring him to me. Be menacing."

Guy Who Did the Narration for In Search Of Guy Who Played Leonard Nimoy in The Simpson's Episode 'Marge Versus the Monorail': "Capturing me is illogical."

Meanwhile, at Starfleet Academy

[Kirk chases pussy]

Slightly Later at Starfleet Academy

*Woosh!* *Pew!* *Pew!* *Kablam!*

[Tall Cool Drink of Water enters her quarters, which she shares with a Girl Who is Green for Fan Service. Girl Who is Green for Fan Service, who is heavy petting Kirk, gets Kirk to hide behind bed]

Tall Cool Drink of Water: "I am coming back to my room, after spending my day working hard at school, decoding high-level Important Information communications from alien races for some reason. Also, I'm so comfortable that I'm taking off my tight shirt as I'm talking."

Girl Who is Green for Fan Service: "I'm not hiding something."

Tall Cool Drink of Water: "You're hiding something!"

[Girl Who is Green for Fan Service runs out of room. Hoots are heard from the hallway. Kirk, cover blown, shows himself]

Kirk: "Hi. You just caught me making out with your trampy friend. Are you in love with me yet?"

Later Still, at Starfleet Academy

[Kirk cheats on a test]

Later Still, at Starfleet Academy, Later

[Scene, Starfleet Academy courtroom. Everybody in Starfleet Academy is in attendance. Kirk's judges for his court-martial at a school are ten of Starfleet's highest ranking officers for some reason]

Spock: "You cheated on a test."

Kirk: "...a test I could not win."

Spock: "That's the test."

Kirk: "Losing is a test?"

Spock: "Yes. It's a test to see how you deal with failure."

Kirk: "Have you seen my backstory?"

Spock: "In failure you learn to deal with your own mortality."

Kirk: "Have you seen my backstory?"

Spock: "Still, you are in trouble, and it will take quite the Convenient Occurrence to happen before you'll be seeing the outside of space from the inside of a starship."

[Crew boards USS Enterprise, which is so shiny and new and state of the art that it's crewed by cadets for some reason. Lens flare ensues. Kirk rushes to the bridge to tell the Captain Important Information he overheard from Tall Cool Drink of Water earlier, who is also on the bridge, being gorgeous. Captain Pike, in addition to hanging around in bars in Iowa, visiting shipyards in farmer's fields, and piloting Starfleet Shuttle is also Captain of the Enterprise for Plot Convenience]

Kirk: "Captain! Mining Ship from an Alien Culture from the Future is the same Mining Ship from an Alien Culture from the Future that killed Captain Kirk's Father!"

Mining Ship from an Alien Culture from the Future, Vulcan Orbit

*Woosh!* *Pew!* *Pew!* *Kablam!*

[USS Enterprise bamphs in from, um, let's say Warp Speed, sees the wrecks of other starships, is attacked by Mining Ship from an Alien Culture from the Future, but isn't destroyed because Badass in the Badass Chair recognizes the ship]

Crewman: "Sorry. Changing Threatening Channel to early Twenty-First Century American English for some reason."

[Threatening Channel changes to early Twenty-First Centuray American English for some reason]

Badass in the Badass Chair: "*Ahem*. Hello, Captain of the Enterprise. I have Guy Who Played Leonard Nimoy in The Simpson's Episode 'Marge Versus the Monorail'."

Guy Who Played Leonard Nimoy in The Simpson's Episode 'Marge Versus the Monorail': "Hi."

Badass in the Badass Chair: "You will come aboard or I'll destroy Vulcan for some reason."

Captain Pike: "Sure."

Badass in the Badass Chair: "No tricks now."

Captain Pike: "Scouts honor."

Badass in the Badass Chair: "Me, too. Close Threatening Channel!"

Crewman: "Closing Threatening Channel!"

[Threatening Channel is closed]

On Enterprise

Captain Pike: "Okay, here's the plan. We're going to rush him on his giant, indestructible ship. Anybody here an expert in hand-to-hand combat?"

[Kirk and Harold from Harold & Kumar volunteer]

Captain Pike: "You're the Captain now, Spock. There's nobody else. Except Kirk, and it's not his turn yet. I'll take Starfleet Shuttle over to Mining Ship from an Alien Culture from the Future and drop Kirk, Harold from Harold & Kumar and, um, let's say Redshirt off on the way, where they have to knock out the thing that's drilling in to Vulcan for some reason. Not 'they have to knock it out for some reason', but 'it's drilling in to Vulcan for some reason'. Also, we're taking Starfleet Shuttle because drills from Mining Ship from an Alien Culture from the Future block our transporters for some reason. And also our communications. *Cough*"

*Woosh!* *Pew!* *Pew!* *Kablam!*

Kirk: "Cool, extreme sky diving!"

Captain Pike: "You'll have to rescue me, if my plan to go to an alien ship with a malevolent crew that just destroyed a bunch of our ships doesn't work out. And also Bones is the Ship's Doctor now."

[Space, falling, computer generated excitement. Kirk and Harold from Harold & Kumar land on the drilling thing. Redshirt lands somewhat lower down. And on fire. Fight ensues with Romulans that spend their days inside the drilling thing that's hanging on a multi-kilometer long chain from Mining Ship from an Alien Culture from the Future. Also, they use swords for some reason. Luckily, Harold from Harold & Kumar has a cool katana. Kirk and Harold from Harold & Kumar disable the drilling thing]

On Mining Ship from an Alien Culture from the Future

Badass in the Badass Chair: "Give me the Treknobabble to deactivate the Treknobabble that protect Earth so that I can dump some Convenient Chemical That Makes Plot Contrivances for Some Reason on it!"

Captain Pike: "No. Also, why are you doing all this?"

Badass in the Badass Chair: "Well, it's a funny story, really. My home planet, um, let's say Romulus was destroyed by its sun, which exploded."

Captain Pike: "And so?"

Badass in the Badass Chair: "Guy Who Played Leonard Nimoy in The Simpson's Episode 'Marge Versus the Monorail' tried to prevent it with Convenient Chemical That Makes Plot Contrivances for Some Reason, but didn't. He only managed to save the rest of the galaxy."

Captain Pike: "So, let me get this straight, you're mad at a guy who tried but couldn't manage to save your planet from an exploding sun by changing that sun to Plot Contrivance, but who managed to save the rest of the galaxy?"

Badass in the Badass Chair: "Obviously."

Captain Pike: "And you're mad at us because...?"

Badass in the Badass Chair: "Because you sat there and did nothing while Guy Who Played Leonard Nimoy in The Simpson's Episode 'Marge Versus the Monorail' failed to do the thing with Convenient Chemical That Makes Plot Contrivances for Some Reason in the exploding sun by changing that sun to Plot Contrivance after he arrived too late to be on time!"

Captain Pike: "Oh."

Badass in the Badass Chair: "I was so mad that I was driven mad. Mad with maddening madness. Mad enough to attack Guy Who Played Leonard Nimoy in The Simpson's Episode 'Marge Versus the Monorail' after his failure to be punctual. Mad enough to sit and wait for twenty-five years for my chance to take Convenient Chemical That Makes Plot Contrivances for Some Reason from him and make him watch while I destroyed his world. And also I plan to destroy the Earth with Convenient Chemical That Makes Plot Contrivances for Some Reason while, um, Kirk watches!"

Captain Pike: "Why him?"

Badass in the Badass Chair: "Because Captain Kirk's Father wasn't Guy Who Did the Narration for Guy Who Played Leonard Nimoy in The Simpson's Episode 'Marge Versus the Monorail' when I came here at the wrong time, making James Kirk's participation in this escapade purely tangential!"

Captain Pike: "Oh. Instead of all that waiting and shooting and capturing and genocide and further planned genocide, why didn't you just head back to Romulus when you first got here and warn them then, helping Guy Who Played Leonard Nimoy in The Simpson's Episode 'Marge Versus the Monorail' to try again with, like, a hundred and twenty-five year headstart?"