Curiosity: Was he being genuine or just polite?

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I met a guy at grad school a year ago (we’re both 24). We were friends until he asked for my number this May. On our 2nd date, he asked if I was just dating casually, or looking for a relationship. I said I was a relationship type of person. He said “yea, I just take a little while to get there and make up my mind about that sort of thing.” I said I understood, and that we should go out and get to know one another because it was too early anyways. At that point, I *THOUGHT* he meant that he took a little time to make up his mind about wanting a relationship with a specific PERSON, rather than time to make up his mind about whether or not he wants a relationship in general, so I thought it sounded fine.

We’ve been on a total of 5 dates now, which I thought all went well. We laughed/joked the entire time, had great conversation, and seemed to hit it off. He came off as a gentleman, and there was no sex involved – just making out/kissing etc. We talked/texted daily.

On our 2nd date, he told me that he’s only had 1 gf, and that it only lasted 3 months – he actually called this a “serious relationship.” While I thought it was strange that he would think a 3 month relationship was serious, I didn’t say anything about it. He said serious relationships are “scary” and he feels like “it’s one of those things you want when you don’t have it, but when you have it you wish you didn’t.” Later, he invited me over to his house. He promised me that his intentions weren’t for sex, and that he just thought it would be nice to stay in, but that if I was uncomfortable we could do something else. I trusted him and went over – he had candles out on the table and we had dinner, cuddled, and watched movies. He made no attempt at any physical contact beyond kissing/cuddling, and kept asking me if I was sure I was comfortable.

4th date: Things got strange. On Tuesday, he told me he was bored. When I said we should do something, he told me he was actually making dinner and hadn’t showered, but that we should do something Fri/Sat. I said sure. On Friday by 5pm, he still hadn’t mentioned anything about going out, even though we talked every single day. I finally brought it up, and he seemed to have forgotten about it bc he said “Oh…umm…well are you doing anything tomorrow?” I was a little upset at this, so I told him I already had plans for the weekend. He told me we could do something on Tuesday or the following weekend “since we had been seeing each other pretty regularly.” I decided to let this slide and not overreact.

He called Sunday and asked if I was free Tuesday and/or Saturday. I said I was free Tuesday, and had no plans for Saturday yet since it was so early. We arranged plans for Tuesday, and he said “we’d see about Saturday.” Tuesday was another great date.

5th date: On Thursday, he texted me saying he would let me know if we would be able to go out on Saturday. Apparently, two of his friends, who were unable to make it to his art show that Friday, had told him they would take him out Saturday to make it up to him, but he told me they were kind of flaky. I said that was fine. On Friday, he asked if I was still free Saturday, and I said yes. On the phone, he said “So did you want to go out on Saturday to see ____ movie or did you want to leave it for another day?” Unsure how to respond, I said either way was fine for me – that I didn’t have plans YET for Saturday, but that if he was busy I would be able to make plans for Saturday and we’d do something another time. He said he had no other plans, and we agreed to go out. His communication style is a bit weird at times.

On our last date (5th), he was asking about my friends, and I mentioned that my best friend got married 2 months ago, and the couple just bought a home.I also mentioned that my friend works night shifts. He said “Wow, that’s quite a miserable life at 24 – night shifts and marriage??” I kind of just laughed it off and didn’t think much of it. Later, he mentioned that he never maintains friendships with females because, jokingly, “you can’t talk to them about sports,” and he told me there was no point for me to have male friends because ” you can’t talk to them about sex and the city.” He was completely joking of course, so I joked back saying “Well I could talk to you about it, I’m sure you’d love to hear it.”

He laughed and said “well if you were my….you know..my girlf…umm you know, then yea, you could.” He couldn’t even say the words “girlfriend!!.” Since it was still early, his hesitation didn’t really bother me. From my perspective at least, this date was probably the best of any we had – we were both laughing and having a great time. Conversation pretty much flowed naturally,He put his arm around me, reached for my hand a few times when we were walking, and held my hand in the theater when we watched the movie. I had no indication that anything was wrong even though I was still feeling that he, in general, didn’t seem as eager to go out as I did when we talked on the phone.

A couple days later, he called me and said he wanted to talk to me. He said “I told you I needed some time to think about it. Well, I feel like if we keep going as we are, that I’d be getting what I want, which is spending time with you, but won’t be able to give you what you want, which is a relationship, and I don’t know if I can commit to anything. You may feel that I have wronged you…”. I said I just wish he had told me earlier, but that it was fine. He then said:

“Well I needed time to think about it. I DO like you as more than a friend, and I will always….(trailed off, paused, then started a new sentence, not sure what he was going to say there). And I really enjoying spending time with you, and I got you a birthday present (I had mentioned that my birthday was in 2 MONTHS), but I don’t want to be selfish by leading you on. I hope you’ll come to my art show on Saturday though.” We have not texted or called one another since then, and it has been 3 days. I know he is not looking for a FWB thing with ME, because he knows 100% that I am not open to it.

Do you think this was just a nice way of saying “I don’t want a relationship with YOU” or did he really mean that while he does like me, he doesn’t want a relationship? Is this really a case of comittment issues? My gut tells me he was being genuine, and just really has a fear of having a girlfriend. Any opinions?

It definitely sounds like he has some commitment issues but you’ve only been on five dates so far so really it is probably too soon to tell where this is going. I would ask him for clarification. Is it that he just doesn’t want a relationship in general or is it that he just doesn’t want a relationship with you or thirdly is he just hesitant to jump into something too soon? If he just wants to take it slow then take it slow. It may not be a horrible idea to start seeing other people while you date him just to keep your options open and distance yourself a bit while things work themselves out naturally.

It’s entirely possible that by taking things slowly you may eventually get there but you’ll need to find out from him if this is a possibility. It may also be possible that he is just looking for a FWB and is letting you go because you won’t be that for him if this is the case then he’s doing you a favor and allowing you to move on to find what it is you’re truly looking for.

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