SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News, November 4, 2012 Edition

“Mr.
Romney is touting himself as someone who can work with members of the
opposing party,” Reid observed. “But let me remind everyone that
it takes two to tango. And I'm not dancing to any tune Romney wants
to play.”

“Voters
thinking of going for Romney need to reconsider whether they want to
institutionalize a stalemate in the federal government,” Reid
advised. “I'm promising right now that no bill supported by a
President Romney will ever get a hearing as long as I'm Majority
Leader.”

Reid
suggested that “the only way I can see us getting anything done is
for Romney to jettison the Tea Party's push for lower taxes and
smaller government. This country has big problems. It will take a big
government to solve them. If a Romney Administration acknowledges
this truth maybe there'll be a common ground from which we can work
for a brighter future.”

In related
news, confident that President Barack Obama will be reelected for a
second term, White House Senior Adviser Valerie Jarret promised that
“those who've gone against us will rue the day. As the President
has reminded everyone, this will be the last election. So, there will
be no need for him to restrain himself for fear of alienating
would-be future voters.”

Warning
Cable from Libyan Ambassador Discounted

The
emergence of an August 15th cable from Libyan Ambassador
Chris Stephens to Secretary of State Hillary Clinton warning that the
Consulate was vulnerable to attack was brushed aside by the
Secretary.

“The
date of that cable was less than four weeks before the September 11th
attack,” Clinton pointed out. “That's far short of the normal
turnaround time for State Department action. We still haven't fully
evaluated the June attack on a British envoy in Libya. So, I hope
everyone can appreciate why we were taken by surprise on September
11th.”

Clinton
also cited “the stupefying ambiguity of Ambassador Stephens cable.
What does 'vulnerable to a coordinated attack' mean? How might that
be different from an uncoordinated attack? And how do you define
'vulnerable?' The Ambassador provided no projection of estimated
casualties or even whether there would be any at all. His message was
maddeningly vague and incomplete.”

The
Secretary offered up the September 11th communications
from the Consulate as further proof of the dilemma she and President
Obama faced on that day. “Yes, the e-mail said the Consulate was
under attack,” Clinton agreed. “But there were no head counts of
the number of attackers, no description of the kinds and numbers of
weapons being used. I mean, even now, almost two months later, there
is no consensus within the Administration on what the appropriate
response should've been.”

Clinton
counseled against “using the tragic events of September 11th
as a rationale for changing administrations. Why discard those who
know the most about the situation? A Romney Administration would be
essentially starting from scratch. Wouldn't it make more sense to
preserve the institutional knowledge we already have by returning the
current Administration for another four years?”

Offer
of Help Rebuffed

Though
hurricane Sandy knocked out power lines across a wide swath of the
state, an offer of assistance from employees of utility companies
located in Alabama was rebuffed by New Jersey officials.

“It's
not that we don't appreciate the gesture,” said a chagrined
Governor Christie. “It's just inappropriate for our state's work
environment.”

The issue
seems to be that the Alabama utility employees aren't union men. “New
Jersey is not a right-to-work state,” Christie pointed out. “Not
just anyone can be allowed to do work that is reserved for union
members.”

Christie
admitted that “putting extra men on the job would speed up repairs,
but this has to be balanced against the rights of unions to get this
work.”

Barring
the non-union workers “was also for their own safety,” the
Governor added. “Jersey unions take their rights very seriously.
They are not averse to enforcing them by violent means if necessary.
Anyone who's seen The Sopranos knows what I'm talking about.”

The
Sopranos was a TV show about
gangsters in New Jersey.

Bloomberg
Endorses Obama

New York
City Mayor Michael Bloomberg endorsed President Obama for reelection.
The decisive issue according to Bloomberg: global warming.

“If
hurricane Sandy has shown us anything it is that all other issues
dwindle into insignificance in the face of catastrophic climate
change,” Bloomberg contended. “While it could be argued that
nothing we could do would be significant enough to avert climate
change, the point is that the President cares. He's on record wanting
the seas to recede.”

“In
contrast, Romney has ignored this issue in order to focus on
deficits, taxes, jobs, and terrorism—all are piffling concerns in
comparison,” Bloomberg asserted. “People who care about the
biggest issue of our time—or any time, really—should vote for
Obama.”

The Obama
campaign is hoping that Bloomberg's endorsement will help lessen the
sting of Vice-President Joe Biden's admission this week that “there’s
never been a day in the last four years I’ve been proud to be his
VP.”

In related
news, Bloomberg praised “the toughness of New Yorkers in coping
with the aftermath of Hurricane Sandy—probably the worst natural
disaster any humans have had to face in recorded history.”

Thus far,
the coping strategies of tough New Yorkers have included raiding
dumpsters for food, defecating in apartment hallways, and looting
electronics from local businesses. One looter justified stealing a TV
from a Coney Island Rent-a-Center saying “they've been looting our
wallets for too long. It's about time we start taking this sh**back.”

Senator
Says Sexcapade in Dominican Republic Legal

Senator
Bob Menendez (D-NJ) rebuffed allegations of impropriety surrounding
reports that he paid two Dominican prostitutes for sex during a visit
to the island nation earlier this year.

“First
of all, prostitution is completely legal in the Dominican Republic,”
Menendez asserted. “Why should I be lambasted for engaging in a
legitimate business transaction?”

As for
allegations that he short-changed the women for services rendered,
the Senator snorted, “get real. I might pay $500 in New Jersey, but
that's not a fair price in the Dominican Republic. When you adjust
for the lower standard of living there and the fact that prostitution
is not illegal I think everyone would have to agree that the $100 I
gave each of them was very generous.”

The
Senator sought to differentiate his situation from that of a
prostitution scandal involving the President's Secret Service in
Colombia earlier this year. “The situations are not the same,” he
insisted. “They worked for the President. Their actions reflected
badly on their boss. They deserved to be fired. I'm a senator. I have
no boss. So, there's no one who can fire me.”

Menendez
expressed confidence that “this attempt by right-wingers to
discredit my choice of recreational activities abroad won't derail my
reelection bid. The voters of New Jersey know me. They know I'm the
one who can best represent their values in Washington.”

Colorado
“Democrat of the Year” Convicted of Theft

Estelle
Carson was selected as “Democrat of the Year” for Jefferson
County, Colorado for 2012 despite being under indictment for stealing
from a 71-year-old wheelchair-bound woman who is partially blind and
suffers from cerebral palsy.

Though
Carson was under investigation at the time Chris Kennedy, chairman of
the Jefferson County Democratic Party, presented her with the award,
Kennedy said she didn't think it would've been fair to allow that to
influence her actions.

“The
award is in recognition of efforts on behalf of the Democratic
Party,” Kennedy explained. “Ms. Carson's theft in no way
diminishes what she has done for our Party. In fact, it's possible
that without the resources she was able to appropriate from this
other person, Estelle might not have been as free to work on behalf
of the Party.”

Kennedy
admitted that she didn't know enough about the specifics of the case
to render a judgment “as to the equity of the redistribution Ms.
Carson effected. Just because a person has disabilities doesn't mean
that they need all the money they have.”

President
Urges Supporters to “Take Revenge” against Romney

In a
campaign stop in Ohio President Obama urged supporters to “take
revenge” against Romney next Tuesday.

Asked what
might be the justification for vengeance Obama campaign spokesperson
Stephanie Cutter explained that “Romney has caused a lot of people
a lot of pain in this election campaign. Voters should have no doubt
that he plans to undo much of the progress the Obama Administration
has achieved over the last four years.”

“His
whole 'get people back to work' promise would re-enslave the millions
President Obama's policies have liberated from the drudgery of having
to go to a job every week,” Cutter said. “Being pushed into a job
may be fine for those willing and able to work, but what about those
who are unwilling or unable? Those with an underdeveloped work ethic
will be the big losers under a Romney Administration. The President
is just trying to remind these people to make the minimal effort to
vote lest they be faced with the more more arduous task of having to
work for a living should Obama lose the election.”

Unpersuaded
that simply voting against Romney—even multiple times—will be
sufficient, some Obama supporters are endeavoring to induce neighbors
to reelect the President in order to prevent them from rioting. As
one twitter put it, “we will make the Rodney King riot look like a
Sunday School picnic.”