Monday, November 21, 2011

Yes, friends and neighbors, it is the Oven-Door-Blowing
Turkey Recipe, or as we say in our house ...Thanksgiving Dinner!
Various members of my family, and even a vegetarian friend, have made this
recipe for the last 20-odd years and no one's died yet.

Buy A Big Bird(seriously here, the biggest
bird you can find) and a huge bottle of red wine.Stuff It(the bird, people, the bird!)Rub It Down - (again, I am referring to the bird, but what
you do in your own household is your own dang business) It's gonna be
eaten, for the love of God. Let it go out in style!

Roast It
525F uncovered 30 minutessip a glass or 3 of the remaining red wine.

Haul that turkey out of the oven and douse it well with red wine. Soak
a linen towel with red wine and lay it over the bird. Douse it with more
red wine...this bird feels no pain! Cover it with most of a normal
sized roll of tin foil. Think "air-tight," sealed
for the apocalypse, metallic fortress.

Shove Big Bird back into a 450F oven for 90 minutes. Offer whoever
is sitting with you some wine and wait for the oven door to blow open and
flames to shoot out. Look smug as your guest spills wine all over her
shirt. After 90 minutes, turn off the oven. Do not open the
door. Not even for a peek. Kick the bottle, making threats of bodily
injury to anyone who may open either the oven or bedroom door while you sleep.

The next morning, drink a large glass of ice water. Look suspiciously at
the dog to ensure she has not developed opposable thumbs and opened the oven
door in the night. Choke down aspirin and don sunglasses. Take
Big Bird out of the oven and pry off the darkened tin foil. Strip
off the towel. Baste the birdie and re-cover with the tin foil. He
goes back into a 400F oven for 1 hr.