Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.

Saturday, October 6, 2012

A Baby Story Part 3

As one could imagine, the majority of my function at our
pregnancy appointments is to provide emotional support to my wife while trying
not to alienate our caregivers through ill-advised jokes. This has gone
somewhat poorly. When the doctor was discussing pain management with my wife, I
interjected that after much soul-searching we had settled on a 1920’s-era
combination of morphine and scopolamine known as “twilight sleep.” I was met
with a blank stare by the physician and a rather unsavory look from my wife at
which time I decided I could be of best of use by reading the billing codes on
the back of her chart.

As a mental exercise I began placing these billing code
descriptions into three distinctive categories: insulting codes, unnecessarily
specific codes, and codes that could also double as the name of a rock band.

We will begin with the insulting codes:

Incompetent
Cervix – This seemed unnecessarily condescending in my personal
opinion. Pregnancy is intense enough without being told that your “cervix is
incompetent.” What is the treatment for such an ailment? Remedial courses? Conceptual
tutoring? Interestingly enough, the cervix is the only part of the female
anatomy to earn this designation. While other components can be “injured” or
“abnormal” only the cervix can be so unskilled as to be unemployable. Someone
needs to take a stand before they start billing for “ovarian ineptitude” or
“fallopial maleficence.”

Obesity – This
condition’s proximity to “pregnancy confirmation”
could lead to some awkward conversations. I can just see the doctor walking in
and saying, “Well, you’re not pregnant so we have had to change your diagnosis
to ‘Level 3 Fattie.’” Keep mind, there is still a separate diagnosis for
excessive weight gain during pregnancy so the medical staff has dug themselves
quite a hole with this one. Perhaps something easier to swallow like “girth of
an unknown origin” would soften the blow.

Unnecessarily
Specific Codes

I did think that it was interesting that there is a code for
vomiting, another code for nausea, and a separate code if you feel nausea while
you are vomiting. Now I am not an expert on the human body, but it is rare for
me to experience vomiting without feeling some digestive uneasiness. To further
complicate matters, there is a fourth billing code for a “vomiting pregnancy.”

There are also some interesting billing codes under
“Pregnancy Complications.” Most notably there is a designation for “Prom <
24Hrs. Prior to the Onset of Labor,” and while this could potentially spell
disaster for any high-school senior I am not sure it needed a specific
code.

Band Names

GERD – while
actually an acronym for gastro esophageal reflux disease, this would look
fantastic on a tour T-shirt and the acronym could be easily altered to
something more cutting edge like Gringos Eschewing Racial Division or Gateways
Encroaching Relative Darkness. As a bonus “GERD LIFE” make a great knuckle or
stomach tattoo.

Blighted
Ovum - This could work for a punk-band or a Norwegian death-metal
conglomerate. Any use of the word blight outside of a potato famine has instant
cache and the name provides the snicker-worthy acronym B.O.

Uterine
Scar – this could easily be assigned to an all-female grind-core
band or a group of twenty-something frat guys with maternal abandonment issues.
Either way the debut album cover should feature a Cabbage Patch doll festooned
with throwing knives.

Vulvar
Lesion – while undoubtedly an unpleasant condition, the band’s
popularity could help educate their young male fan base and dispel the notion
that a vulva is the optional bug screen for a Volvo sedan.

Transverse
Lie – this has Emo-core all over it. The name suggests the
incongruity of deception and begs the possibility of a concept album about a
break-up with each song named for a stage in the grieving process.

All the time in high school I spent trying to come up with original band names and I just now realize what a goldmine medical codes are. I can only assume there is a separate designation for injury by a trolley car still on the rails?