The gemarah (nedarim 20b) mentions that one of the reasons for having beautiful children is due to having relations "as if forced by a demon". Rashi there explains the term as either indicating that the act is performed forcefully or in a completely covered way as if hiding from a demon. This is codified in the halacha (shulchan aruch, orach chaim 240:9) where it is explained differently as either performing the act in fear or under duress.

I would like to understand this concept

How did this go from being a 'segulah' (charm) for having beautiful children to a compulsory halacha?

What is this business with demons? If the intent is to perform the act in any of the ways described above, why not just say so? What relevance do demons have over here?

Why does the shulchan aruch explain the implications of 'being forced by a demon' differently than Rashi? Where does he get this explanation from?

Why, in fact, must one perform this mitzvah in a way that wold seem like it is against his will? Usually we are encouraged to be happy in our performance of mitzvot, why not here?

What is the woman's role here? Should she also feel compelled by a demon?

This does not seem to conform with the behavior of Rav when he slept with his wife (brachos 62a).

Note, I realize that this question deals with a topic that may be viewed as immodest to discuss publicly. I tried to keep the language as prim as possible but if you'd like to edit to make it more tzanuah please do so
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user1668Nov 12 '12 at 14:44

It was clear to me in my own chasan class, as well as a reinforcement session I had with another rav later, who was a talmid of R' Henkin, that I was not encouraged to follow this halachah. I still don't understand what the fact of it being in SA is actually supposed to mean.
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yitznewtonNov 12 '12 at 16:11

3 Answers
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It is not a compulsory halacha but rather a recommended practice for someone who is concerned with his soul, as stated at the end of the Sif - וצריך בעל נפש ליזהר בהם.

There is a perspective (like it or not) that part of the sexual act involves accessing urges that are less than holy. Yes marital union is holy etc, but it borders very closely with some of our basest urges, which the torah proscribes indulging in. This dual nature is rare, seemingly only found with the sexual drive and the drive that underpinned prophecy/idol worship (cf. Yoma 69a). If one was not aware of the 'demonic' pitfalls then performing the act in accordance with halacha may miss the greater point; which is that you need to be careful, you're playing with fire here.

My guess would be that he is offering his own advice on how to deal with your yetzer in this situation. It is in the same spirit as that of Rashi, meaning that it acknowledges the danger inherent in the act and prescribes practical steps to avoid improper behavior.

No one is saying you can't perform the mitzvah out of joy, but there are many mitzvot that we are cautioned to take very seriously (davening for example).

Simply put the woman does not have the same restrictions because her yetzer hara is not the same as a man's. That's not to say that a woman does not have restrictions imposed on her to prevent her from indulging in base sexual desires, this just isn't one of them

My guess would be that this falls in line with the gemarah (Kesubos 17a) about amoraim who would dance while touching a kallah because they felt no inappropriate sexual desire toward her. Rav may have conquered his baser sexual instincts and was able to relate to his wife in a purely holy way during the act of sleeping with her.

@JimThio to the best of my understanding there is not mitzvah to get married per say, the mitzvah is to be fruitful and multiply. However since a man cannot do that in an appropriate halachic way without being married the mitzvah is seen as a 'heicha timzah' or means to an end.
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not-allowed to change my nameDec 2 '13 at 2:30

mitzvah means God says do it. Is it? Heicha timzah means you do it so you can do what God says. Am I correct here? In what ways men can't reproduce in halachic ways if he is not married (and have concubines instead, for example)
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Jim ThioDec 2 '13 at 3:59

@JimThio though techincally he may find ways to have children outside of wedlock the preferred way is through marriage. It is not the only means to the end, though generally the Rabbis have put the kibosh on the other ones.
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not-allowed to change my nameDec 2 '13 at 4:24

It is known that something desired is called the face and what is not desired is called back [he then goes on to describe the idea of being face-to-face with G-d at the giving of the Torah]. And now [i.e. not just at the giving of the Torah, but today as well] every material matter has to be in the manner of "back", like the sages say regarding marital relations "as if a demon is forcing him". And all the more so other matter. Not like the world things that this [i.e. marital relations] is a disgusting thing because it requires immersion in the mikva afterwards - this is not so - rather it is a great/important thing and also above it is a great/important thing so how much more so concerning eating and other things that it has to be as if a demon is forcing him but he should not say that "he is not able to eat etc.". And then [his relationship with G-d] will be face to face.