In a landmark ruling, Burnley Borough Council has banned happy hours in the town’s pubs and clubs based on the disputed claim that happy hour patrons tend to overindulge in cut price drinks and end up knocking seven bells out of each other.

“Happy hours are an honourable idea,” said Councillor Alf Roberts. “But here in Burnley they inevitably result in bouts of booze fuelled violence which results in a massive strain on local resources. The people just can’t be trusted once they’ve got a few beers under their belts. The sad reality is that Burnley folk are as mental as anything when they’re sober, in drink they’re even worse and it does nothing for the town’s reputation. It’s reached a point where innocent people are getting their heads kicked in just for being anywhere near a pub. It’s unacceptable – it’s a sin and a bloody shame that people can’t enjoy a relaxing drink without fear of getting battered from arsehole to breakfast time.”

“I think the ban is a great idea,” said A&E nurse Annie Wilkes. “I’m sick and tired of patching up drunken brawlers. I’m tempted to jack it all in and move somewhere in the world where I can get a bit of peace and quiet. Like Syria, or Afghanistan or something.”

Local Burnley hard man Jimmy Proctor was unavailable for comment as he was otherwise occupied repeatedly smashing a Blackburn man’s face into a fruit machine.