John W. James

Where were you when I needed you?

The saddest question we ever hear is, "Where were you when I needed you?"

That's what people ask when they find out what we do in helping grievers. We're presenting helpful and accurate information on this site, at the time you need it most, with the hope that you'll never need to ask that question.

It's an honor and a sad privilege to be addressing you, knowing that each of you has recently experienced the death of someone important to you. We also know some of you are reading this because of your care and concern for someone who is confronted by the death of someone important in their life.

We bring our personal experience in dealing with the deaths of people who were important to us, and our professional know-how in helping grievers for more than 30 years. We'll help you distinguish between the "raw grief" that is your normal and natural reaction to the death, and the equally normal "unresolved grief" that relates to the unfinished emotions that are part of the physical ending of all relationships.

A basic reality for most grieving people is difficulty concentrating or focusing. With that in mind, we asked Tributes.com to print our articles in a large type font to make them easier to read. Sharing our concern for grieving people, they agreed.

Ask The Grief Experts

Tumultuous relationships usually leave a large residue of unfinished emotional business (Published May 21, 2013)

Q:

My mother died a year and a half ago. I grieved her when she died and think about her often still. Lately though, her death has been weighing on me like it did when she first died. I dream of her and try to talk to her but I seem to be awakened just when I start to say something important to her. I know I have some unresolved feelings, as we had a somewhat tumultuous relationship. But I can't seem to talk to her when I'm awake. I just can't get myself to do it. Why is that? And why did this creep up on me so long after she died? Thank you in advance for your time.

A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Maria,

Thank you for your note and your questions. We believe that what you’re experiencing and our response to it will be helpful for you and many others who are having parallel occurrences.

As you already know and stated, the phrase “tumultuous relationships” indicates that you most probably would have some unfinished business, or unresolved grief, in relationship to your mother. And, as is now very obvious to you, your mother’s death did not finish or complete what was left incomplete. That reality often surprises or confuses people, when in fact, it’s reasonable to suggest that those who had difficult relationships often struggle much more with unresolved grief than those who had a good relationship with someone important to them who died.

The actions of Grief Recovery are specifically designed to help people discover and complete everything that they wish had been different, better, or more, and all the unrealized hopes, dreams, and expectations they had for the future.

As to your comment, “But I can't seem to talk to her when I'm awake. I just can't get myself to do it. Why is that?” The why of it probably relates to the absence of a set of actions to accomplish the goal of making the kind of practical communication that will help you feel emotionally complete.

Those actions are part of the Grief Recovery Method, to provide you with a way to accomplish that goal. So go to the library or bookstore and get a copy of The Grief Recovery Handbook. As you read it and take the actions it outlines, you will find that you will have no problem “getting yourself to do it.”

As to “And why did this creep up on me so long after she died?” There are many reasons, not the least of which is that “unresolved grief is cumulative and cumulatively negative, and since time can’t heal emotional wounds, it only gets worse.”

The dreams you’ve had in which you seem to want to make those communications just aren’t capable of creating the completion you need, so they keep reminding you that the unfinished business is still unfinished.