Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Heavy and light

My heart is generally a million places at once. Sometimes my mind can keep up with it, mostly it trails behind. I usually have to take time away from my world to sort out whats going on in my heart. Burdens are heavy, heavy things to carry. Thorns in my flesh, and the thorns in others keep my mind wandering long into the night, usually subconsciously. I am in a pit of despair and on a cloud of joy, and truthfully, I just want this semester to be over. It seems like things that would normally be taken lightly are taken hard, and things that have great importance are overlooked. I feel like im in a whirlwind of obligations and deadlines and dreams, and did I mention that all I can think about is having a little girl? My desire to want to have a baby has gone from practical to mandatory to practical again. Waiting, waiting, and waiting. And pleading with time to slow down too. I need more time, and less time and no watches because I cant even tell time. Did you know that? Most people don't. I suppose that now that im a teacher I should probably TEACH myself how to do that, but we are children of the digital era and I dont have time to waste in the first place. In the meantime, this is called a stream of consciousness, and if you are one of the 2 people that has read my writing since the livejournal and mydiary days, you'll know that im quite fond of these. You just write, and you dont stop, and eventually you get out whatever it is thats weighing you down, and if you are me, thats how you pray too. And also, if you are me, you correct your spelling and grammar errors as you go along, because you are a little bit obsessive compulsive and have very little grace sometimes. Speaking of Grace. Nevermind.

We all are really living life in the fast lane and I really feel helpless over it. Sometimes I just wish life would slow right dowen, sometimes to a halt so I can just enjoy life'es pleasure instead of thinking what to do next on my list.

I love this, it is just percisely how I pray and write. Also, the little girl (baby) need is overwhelming. I had been fighting it for awhile until my husband said, why? why are you fighting so hard to not want this desire that God has put on your heart. So once, we didn't fight it. I found out last week that I am pregnant...wow, so now starts the scary journey that I have been hoping for and putting of simotaniously- and I couldn't be more excited. Love this blog, and knowing that I am not the only one struggling with her head to catch up to a heart that can seem far to immersed and complex sometimes.

You guys should so have a baby! The sleepless nights are amazing....I want you and Omar to take Conrad over night one night while he still requires 3 or 4 feedings- not to make you not want kids right now, but because it's so fun I can't even stand it! Sarcasm. If you're overwhelmed now, wait until your whole universe is centered around your baby.

I remember when we decided to "make" Conrad- and then that night, i was like "Oh sh*t, what if it REALLY happened this time-" and it did! So much fun! And SO scary too.

Can't wait for you guys to have one of your own! I know you're waiting for God's timing though, and when it comes you'll be so happy, excited, ready, and freaking out.

I had my heart transformed at the age of 17 by a God who stopped at nothing to make His love for me known. I am broken and imperfect, but because of His love I am whole. I am learning how to be a human being, though often times I feel like an alien. Fortunately, God has given me a loving, patient husband who understands what its like to have one foot in heaven and the other on earth. We make a dynamic duo, if I do say so myself, and I couldn't be more excited to see our life unfold. In the mean time, I am learning how to trust, to love authentically, and to be where I am...wherever that is.