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Topic: Honeymoon fund dilemma (Read 18479 times)

No one is "insisting anything other than a check or GC is inappropriate" (or if they are, I missed it).

I guess I just read it that way, since multiple people in the thread recommended a check or GC as an alternative to the HM registry (after OP said she likes shopping, so I don't really know how this is a solution to her problem), and several people gave reasons why the tangible gifts suggested wouldn't work or why they wouldn't like tangible gifts. I don't know how to read those responses, other than as a suggestion that only check or GCs are acceptable to some people.

The word "acceptable" doesn't make sense here. Some of us are saying that if you want your gift to be surely appreciated, it would make sense to give the HC what they said they wanted rather than what *you* think they should want. It's not that no other gift is "acceptable." But for me, why spend time and energy and money on a gift the HC will not truly want or enjoy?

I know you like to shop, but in this case the hc has chosen a honeymoon registry. Instead of giving to this fund, send them a check for the amount you want to give.

sounded like you meant because the couple didn't register for anything except the honeymoon, the OP should presume that they don't want tangible gifts. And actually, your more recent remark that

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if a person truly wants an experience, well, something "tangible" is not going to be as appreciated.

[/b][/color]I respectfully disagree. That was my point: that someone's registering only for "experience" gifts does not mean that that is all they "truly want" or that they will appreciate tangible gifts less. (And vice versa for those who register only tangibles -- that doesn't mean they wouldn't love experience gifts. We did).

In your formulation, there is no room for the couple that would love for the guests to choose gifts themselves, and therefore either register only sets and patterns and perhaps a few other items, or don't register at all. I know you definitely are NOT saying the guests MUST choose only registry items or give cash. But the presumption you suggest seems to pretty much amount to the same thing.

Gellchom--quote in red wasn't me--that was turtledove. So, your response is aimed at the wrong person.

I never said that the couple wouldn't love to get other gifts. In my last reply, I actually stated that OP can always buy whatever she wants to send.

Yes, absolutely, you both did say that the OP should give whatever she wants to give. I tried hard to acknowledge that in my last post:

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I know you definitely are NOT saying the guests MUST choose only registry items or give cash.

But as I also said:

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But the presumption you suggest seems to pretty much amount to the same thing.

I think that's what is frustrating LETitbe, too. What some of us are hearing is a "yes, but": "Sure, you can give whatever you want -- but you presumably want to give the couple something that they want, and the way to do that is to give them what they registered for, or, if you don't want to give that, give cash." And as LETitbe said, there doesn't seem to be much difference between that and just saying that a considerate guest buys only registry items or gives cash. Maybe that's not what you mean, but I think you can see how it might seem that way.

The word "acceptable" doesn't make sense here. Some of us are saying that if you want your gift to be surely appreciated, it would make sense to give the HC what they said they wanted rather than what *you* think they should want. It's not that no other gift is "acceptable." But for me, why spend time and energy and money on a gift the HC will not truly want or enjoy?

Latching onto my word choice while ignoring my whole point is disingenuous (and, yeah, that's a lot for a literature major to say ). The OP said she would like to give a tangible gift, yet person after person suggested cash, a check, or a GC, while attempting to discredit any attempt to give her reasonable suggestions for what she wanted to give (a tangible gift that the OP would also enjoy). The OP obviously wants the recipient to enjoy the gift she gives, but that doesn't mean she has to bend to someone's request for money. Thing is, we'd all love money, everyone can use it, but gift giving involves a relationship- which means the giver and the recipient are important.

Yes, absolutely, you both did say that the OP should give whatever she wants to give. I tried hard to acknowledge that in my last post:

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I know you definitely are NOT saying the guests MUST choose only registry items or give cash.

But as I also said:

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But the presumption you suggest seems to pretty much amount to the same thing.

I think that's what is frustrating LETitbe, too. What some of us are hearing is a "yes, but": "Sure, you can give whatever you want -- but you presumably want to give the couple something that they want, and the way to do that is to give them what they registered for, or, if you don't want to give that, give cash." And as LETitbe said, there doesn't seem to be much difference between that and just saying that a considerate guest buys only registry items or gives cash. Maybe that's not what you mean, but I think you can see how it might seem that way.

Yes, exactly. I feel like I'm being nasty by continuing to repeat this, and I *promise* I'm not! I give cash or, at the very least, off registry *ALWAYS*, but I think it's a little frustrating that people are telling people that you can't give a gift off registry, or that people won't be grateful for it. I think that's really sad. We should be teaching people to appreciate the effort (unless, of course, it's back handed, like some of the examples, i.e. "I know you said you don't like to cook, but you definitely need an apron and a Kitchenaid, I know best!")

Yes, absolutely, you both did say that the OP should give whatever she wants to give. I tried hard to acknowledge that in my last post:

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I know you definitely are NOT saying the guests MUST choose only registry items or give cash.

But as I also said:

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But the presumption you suggest seems to pretty much amount to the same thing.

I think that's what is frustrating LETitbe, too. What some of us are hearing is a "yes, but": "Sure, you can give whatever you want -- but you presumably want to give the couple something that they want, and the way to do that is to give them what they registered for, or, if you don't want to give that, give cash." And as LETitbe said, there doesn't seem to be much difference between that and just saying that a considerate guest buys only registry items or gives cash. Maybe that's not what you mean, but I think you can see how it might seem that way.

Yes, exactly. I feel like I'm being nasty by continuing to repeat this, and I *promise* I'm not! I give cash or, at the very least, off registry *ALWAYS*, but I think it's a little frustrating that people are telling people that you can't give a gift off registry, or that people won't be grateful for it. I think that's really sad. We should be teaching people to appreciate the effort (unless, of course, it's back handed, like some of the examples, i.e. "I know you said you don't like to cook, but you definitely need an apron and a Kitchenaid, I know best!")

I agree. I'm a little concerned about saying that the gifts that will be "most" appreciated are the ones that are from the registry.

That wasn't my case at all. I truly appreciated all my wedding gifts. But the ones I remember most were the ones that were off registry and were things that someone took the time to select for my DH and I. I was over the moon with all the china and flatware place settings I received and still use on a very regular basis. But I was just as thrilled and honored by the gifts that demonstrated that someone took the time to select something unique for us.

I think the takeaway is to give whatever you want to give, and to be thankful for whatever you are given. I just think it is naive and self-centered to expect that your (general) gift will or should be more appreciated because of the thought you put into it. I don't think there is anything wrong with preferring to be given what we said we prefer, whether that is flatware or handmade quilts or zipline adventures. It doesn't make us shallow to not want for ourselves what you want to give us. You might hit the nail on the head with your off-registry "this is what I want to give them" gift, and that's great! But if your motivation is to be thought of as "Sally - she never buys from the registry but always finds just the right thing!" I expect you will be disappointed with the reality (although hopefully you will simply be graciously thanked even though your thoughtful gift goes into storage).

There isn't anything wrong with gifts that go into storage for awhile. (I assume it's something you want to use someday if it's in storage rather than given away.) Not all wedding gifts are even expected to be used much in the early years (like the size 2T baby gifts I mentioned above). Some are to be there waiting for you when you move into a house, take over family holidays, have a family, etc. No one is going to give you dishes, flatware, stemware, and table linens for 12 or more then! Wedding gifts are sometimes experiences or consumables, which is fine, but traditionally they are for your whole marriage, which hopefully will be for a lifetime. Now that I think of it, my daughter gave her brother and sister-in-law a wedding gift of a beautiful Passover seder plate with a note saying that she hoped that they wouldn't use it for a long time, because she hoped they would come to us for Passover for many years. They hadn't registered for it, and they loved it, just like I treasure the gorgeous Steuben bowl (we would never have dreamed of registering for that, if it even had been possible) my own brother gave us more than if he had bought us a place setting of our china.

That's another reason that just-for-right-now gifts are unappealing to many givers. If that's the only kind of gift a couple wants, it seems like they are shortsightedly thinking wedding-honeymoon, not long lifetime together. Getting married, not being married. That's why I especially dislike honeymoon registries. Is the idea to spend more and more on the honeymoon, depending upon how big the fund grows? I would think a couple had better judgment if they budgeted an appropriate (for them) amount for their honeymoon and saved the extra money for the future or something important they need.

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I don't think there is anything wrong with preferring to be given what we said we prefer, whether that is flatware or handmade quilts or zipline adventures.

You're right, there is nothing at all wrong with that (although I do part company on your statement that guests are "naive and self-centered" to believe that putting thought into a gift won't be appreciated; it always should be, even if the gift misses the mark. If not, then I think it is the recipient who is being self-centered, valuing only their own preferences over someone's sincere effort to please). But how do you communicate a preference for a surprise or a family heirloom? Or even just if you don't want all your wedding gifts to come from the same 3 vendors? That's all I meant -- not all couples prefer registerable items. I didn't, and I don't think my daughter does, either -- I think she is planning on registering very little for exactly that reason. And that's why I don't think that the more courteous and considerate choice is always a registered item or cash.

I do agree that if I know that a couple only wants what they already selected for themselves, then I will give them that or cash, not something else I select. But I also admit that although it wouldn't be a big deal, I wouldn't be super impressed with their attitude. I know you think that I shouldn't feel that way. But consider that perhaps some of your guests do, too, and whether or not you think that they should, there isn't any way to control that.

That helps and does make sense. Ours is a first wedding for both of us, though I am on the older side for a first-time bride (i.e. over 40 - my fiance is 10 years younger). If it makes one or more of our guests happy to give us a gift and they are so moved, then I'm not going to rain on the parade, but in general I just want our close people there. If I want new sheets, I can buy them. And I definitely do NOT want people to give us money, which is why I was disturbed when I read elsewhere that not registering is some kind of "signal" that you want cash.

Aside from on this board, I don't think it is.

Actually, there are people who think that, and there are wedding-advice publications/websites/etc. who *say* that.

But I agree very much with you here:

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You know your friends and family and they know you. Presumably they love and respect you and will know what you are like and won't look for ways to find fault with you. I wouldn't worry about it sending any sort of a signal to not register. And congratulations on your upcoming marriage!

I was one person who got flak for not registering. But there was a shower involved, and I think *that* is what was sort of unfair/inconsiderate of me. A large group of people were invited (family tradition--people who weren't invited were insulted), and they had no ideas. They wanted guidance, and I didn't give it to them.

If you're not having a shower, people won't focus on the registry as much.

But they may give you money (or gifts) anyway. If you start to get very much pressure about gifts from the family (which you may not--you have a close group there, and they know you), maybe consider naming something. Like, tell them all you want something edible, something -they- love and want to share with you. And then they can buy you expensive olive oil or organic jelly. Tell them it's because you want to eat it up and throw the container away, or something. In other words, instead of continuing to push them away from what you -don't- want them to do, steer them to something that they -can- do that is acceptable to you. Or gadgets, or something (but edible stuff, it's hard to get expensive, and it does go away).

The other thing w/ gifts is that people like to give stuff you might have around to remind you of them. I have wedding presents that do that. And ones that don't.

Like one thing I have is a set of tray tables that are really beat up by now, but I won't give them up. I would *never* have registered for them, and they were THE most useful shower gift I received.

Actually, there are people who think that, and there are wedding-advice publications/websites/etc. who *say* that.

Exactly! And it is the very last thing I want. I would rather register for kitchen gadgets than have people think that we want them to give us money.

I totally get what you are saying here:

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The other thing w/ gifts is that people like to give stuff you might have around to remind you of them. I have wedding presents that do that. And ones that don't.

And if anyone saw something that made them think of us and that they knew we would love and cherish (whether or not they were actually right about that), I'd be touched and pleased. I have a good friend with whom I exchange random presents throughout the year that we jokingly say are "late birthday or perhaps early Christmas" presents .. because when we see something that is just the right thing, we buy it, and the next time we are together, the giver brings the gift. That's how I wish the whole world worked, but I get that it doesn't. And of course I've never not gotten someone else a gift for their wedding, but I have always had enough notice that I could keep my eye out for a few months until I figured out what it would make me happy to give them and I've always found something (for people I don't know as well, I go with registry items).

It feels weird to direct people toward anything material when what I truly want is for them to take the time out of their busy lives to come to our wedding and give us a hug - and that's all.

But anyway. We aren't having a honeymoon fund, to get back to the thread. I honestly find them off-putting. If someone asked what we were doing for our honeymoon and called ahead to the hotel/ship/restaurant and had them deliver a bottle of wine to us, that'd be awesome but if not, we'll be fine with our own budget.

That's another reason that just-for-right-now gifts are unappealing to many givers. If that's the only kind of gift a couple wants, it seems like they are shortsightedly thinking wedding-honeymoon, not long lifetime together. Getting married, not being married. That's why I especially dislike honeymoon registries. Is the idea to spend more and more on the honeymoon, depending upon how big the fund grows? I would think a couple had better judgment if they budgeted an appropriate (for them) amount for their honeymoon and saved the extra money for the future or something important they need.

I just wanted to address this. For some people (like me and like most of my friends who have gotten married in the past 10 years or so), there is no "need" for any tangible gift or for money. I was financially secure with a well-furnished household and I was marrying a man who was financially secure with a well furnished household. We both have stable retirement plans and savings and yadda yadda yadda. Again, we didn't register at all and had a very small wedding, but we didn't "need" anything and if anything need to pare down our possessions, not add to them with tangible wedding gifts. We can always accumulate more fun experiences, however. That isn't "short-sighted" or "wedding-honeymoon over lifelong" focused of us. It is our reality that we don't need or want wedding gifts as part of our longterm financial plan. We also don't want or need any more tangible items.

My husband is a pastor and his church gave us $XXXX in gift cards for concert tickets. We are thoroughly enjoying the experiences they gave us. We didn't expect anything from them, and very much appreciate the gift. Had they given us a handmade quilt, well, we would have appreciated it but really, we already have probably 30+ quilts, many of which we gave away to GoodWill. We are simply "experience" people.

I think I understand the concept about giving something for later. I just don't agree with it. For a couple of reasons:1. If someone isn't hosting big events right now because they are in an apartment or smaller dwelling, it is unkind to expect them to store a bunch of stuff they don't have room for because you think that they will need it "some day".2. If someone isn't hosting events because they are younger and will "grow into" that responsibility, the odds are pretty high that by that time they'll be established in their jobs, etc and will be able to buy their own stuff to their own tastes.

Look, I get it at a high level. I got lots of things for my wedding that I don't use every day. (Like all the platters). I registered for most of them. Because I knew what I needed. I was 28 years old, DH was 31, we'd been living on our own for 10 and 13 years respectively, living together for 4 years , owned a home for over 2 years. I knew exactly what it took to host family Christmas. I'd done it. It's a bit insulting to insinuate that I don't know what I'm going to need or that I just don't know any better. Most brides aren't naive 18 year olds any more. In Canada, the average first-time bride is at least 29 years old.

I knew what I needed. I knew what I didn't need. And, if I didn't need it, I wasn't going to store it for 10 years on the off chance that the one I already had broke. In 10 years, I'll buy another one.

Finally, I don't mean any of the above to mean that you have to buy from the registry. But, I think that some posters, like TurtleDove, are getting a bad rap here for suggesting that the couple may actually know better than the giver what the couple wants and needs. Sure, you may hit a home run. And you may not. One of the best gifts I got was a set of beer glasses, chip & dip set, and serving tray that all had the logo of my favourite football team. I love it and I did not register for it (mostly because I never saw anything like it anywhere I was registering). But the people that bought that knew me and my DH well enough to know that I am absolutely wild about that team, that we are season ticket holders and that we do not miss games ever barring some extremely high-priority event conflict. If they just knew me well enough to know "lmyrs likes football" they may have bought the same set for another sports team. And, it would have been donated somewhere pretty much immediately. And the whole thing could have been avoided if the giver just contacted someone who knew me better and asked what would be appropriate.

That's what I was getting at way earlier in this thread. That it's fine to go off registry. But, if you don't know the couple well enough to know that they're going to love it, you really should find someone who does know them well enough. Or you're just guessing and that's not really "putting a lot of love and care into choosing a gift for the couple". That's deciding what you think they like and buying it. I don't think you can say that you've put a whole bunch of thought into a gift for someone if you haven't even bothered to find out their wants, needs and interests.

And, finally, I'm also not a huge fan of the idea that anyone (not just brides & grooms, but birthdays, etc) can just return a gift to the store if they don't like it. That is absolutely true, but now, you've not only gone and gotten them something that they don't need, but they have to go and do work to return or exchange it at a store that hopefully is somewhat convenient to them. It kind of devalues the gift if the recipient has to do a bunch of work to receive it. (I don't know how to say that without coming off like a brat, but I hope that people understand what I'm getting at there.)

"Oh, I don't even know what to suggest to people as gift ideas. I'm just so flummoxed by the whole thing anyway, and I'm really uncomfortable with gifts of money. People should just come without a gift. Honestly. I suppose if someone really wanted to get us a gift, they should pick something they think will be really, really useful, or else something they just think is beautiful. It will be fun to be surprised, actually. But honestly? I'm uncomfortable with the whole gift thing anyway, so I'll be just as glad if people don't give us a wedding gift."

You have 45 people or so, right? So that's about 25 households, maybe? Start saying that stuff now, and it'll trickle around.

And people will probably get you gifts anyway, no matter what you say, but at least you'll get useful, beautiful, and meaningful stuff (even if you do send some of it to the Goodwill).