11 True Presidential Spin-Offs of Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter

With the recent success of shows like Ancient Aliens and films such as Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter, it's safe to assume that nothing is off limits, not even history or our national icons, from receiving a pop culture twist. It is only a matter of time before Hollywood continues the trends with films like Betsy Ross: Samurai Seamstress or the epic story of Pocahontas: Werewolf Princess. I will likely spend the first few days that I teach about the Civil War proving to my students that Lincoln was not a vampire hunter. With that in mind, I felt compelled to create my own list of presidential biopics, but, unlike Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter, these films are based on historical fact and not fiction.

James Polk, also known as the “Black Horse” candidate (not because he had “forest fever” like Jefferson, but because he wasn’t a well-known candidate), was the first President to oversee a nation that was literally “from sea to shining sea.” Polk expanded America’s territory when we crushed Spain and Mexico in the Mexican-American War, and finally fulfilled our “manifest destiny.”

Andrew Jackson was the epitome of a “kick your ass first, ask questions later” kind of guy, and he carried those qualities into the White House. His temper was legendary, and was known to have taken part in over one hundred duels in his life. Jackson even carried a musket ball that was lodged his torso from a prior duel for his entire adult life. As President, Jackson even brutally beat a man unconscious with his cane because he had attempted to kill him with a pistol. God forbid if anyone would ever make an unfavorable comment about Jackson’s late wife Rachel; he wouldn’t hesitate to beat some respect into them. This aggressive temper might come in handy in the present-day, and would certainly earn our President the respect throughout the world. Honestly, who wouldn’t like to see our President beat up someone who disrespected our country?

If your first thought is “Who?” you’re not alone, and if you know they were Presidents, I will bet that you can’t identify a single thing that either of them they did while in office. Millard and Franklin are by far the most unknown Presidents in history, which is why, if you ever have the opportunity to become President, you have to conquer somewhere or do something. Otherwise, you will end up the name of an elementary school in some Midwest town, or as the answer to a Jeopardy question.

William Henry Harrison is often considered one of the worst Presidents in history, but I disagree. Harrison gave the longest inauguration speech ever on a cold and rainy day, and he fell ill immediately after. He would spend the first thirty days of his term in bed before he died. So, he didn’t do anything as President and it also means that he didn’t make any bad decisions either (which is better than many other presidents who made horrible decisions while in office). Harrison’s thirty day term may be the shortest in American history, but it is definitely not the worst.

It is quite commonly accepted that Thomas Jefferson had an affair with a slave named Sally Hemmings, who also happened to be his wife’s half-sister (let the Jerry Springer chants begin). It is even believed that Jefferson fathered children with Sally. However, for some reason, Jefferson’s descendants still have a difficult time accepting the fact that their demigod ancestor would ever have been intimate with his property (even though her beauty was praised by many of the other founding fathers).

Buchanan still remains the only bachelor President, and the reason he remained unmarried may be the fact that he had an intense “bromance” with a Senator named Rufus King. The two men were inseparable, literally, which earned them the nicknames “Aunt Nancy and Miss Fancy” in political circles. It has even led many historians, including myself, to believe that James Buchanan may have been our first gay President.

It wasn’t a secret that Ulysses S. Grant liked to drink. In fact, he nearly drank himself to death while serving in the West prior to Lincoln appointing him General. During the Civil War, when other Union officers told Lincoln of Grant’s excessive drinking, Abe responded with “Find out what Grant drinks and send a barrel of it to each of my other generals!” Who cares that Grant couldn’t remember his victories the next day?! He would drink and fight, and win.

When anyone discusses William Howard Taft, usually the first topic that is brought up is his weight. President Taft has the unfortunate recognition of being the heaviest President ever, tipping the scales at a beefy 350 pounds. He was even humiliated when he once got stuck in the White House tub. Even though this “trust buster” and future Supreme Court judge did do many things which warrant our praise and admiration, he will forever be known as the only president to push 300 pounds. This makes me wonder what New Jersey Governor Chris Christie’s legacy will be…

Everyone in school learns about how “Woodrow Wilson’s Fourteen Points led to the creation of the League of Nations, which will ultimately become the United Nations,” and this is true, but what you don’t learn is that, in 1919, Wilson suffered a horrible stroke leaving him bedridden for months and incapacitated. This is a secret that was kept from the public and even most of his cabinet, excluding his physician and a few close friends. Edith Wilson is believed to have communicated the President’s wishes, but is also the reason why many people believe that it was Edith running the country and not her husband.

George Washington was famously eulogized by Henry Lee as the “First in war, first in peace, and the first in the hearts of his countrymen.” But, what many people don’t know is that George Washington was also the first one to hit the dance floor. He was an avid dancer, and whatever event he attended there would be dozens of women who would wait in line for a dance with him (which couldn’t have sat well with Martha). Though there were no dance battles in colonial America (that we know of), we can assume that the “Father of our Country” could have also been the first to do the “worm,” “pop and lock” or even the “dougie,” he was definitely the first person to ever “Georgie.”

Grover Cleveland is often known as the only President to serve in nonconsecutive terms and the only to be born in New Jersey, but not many people know if the child he fathered out of wedlock with a woman named Maria Haplin. In 1884, the news that he was fathering a child that “might” be his was revealed and exploited by his opponents. There is no doubt that Grover and Bill Clinton would have been great friends, since both seemed to enjoy women and in large quantities.