sobriety

I have a confession. I really, really fucking love Tony Robbins. Dude is a master modern motivational orator, and I dig his empathetic, vulnerable power vibe pretty hard. At SXSW in 2016, I went to see his documentary film I Am Not Your Guru on the advice of a friend who said it was the best thing she had seen at the festival. The film covers Tony’s annual Date With Destiny event in Boca Raton, Florida, a 6-day retreat that promises people all kinds of life changing magic, but essentially what he’s selling is hope. I came out of this film not having any idea about the real man behind the icon, because it very much presents him as an all-knowing, all-healing guru to the maximum power. Tony Robbins, the public figure, the self-help god of public speaking and riling people up in their own self interest, has a magical, infectious charisma that is enchanting to watch in action. The way people respond to his magnetism and emotional outpouring is astounding. By the end of the film, I was totally glamoured. I’m definitely the target market for things like this, a person who has a deep and constant drive toward self exploration, personal growth, and emotional expansion by whatever means necessary. I am deeply motivated by hope in my own life, because I know what it feels like to feel totally hopeless. I don’t know that he has everything definitively figured out, but he’s on to something. In my book,…

Hi, my name is Sinclair, and I’m high maintenance. This term is generally used in a rather misogynist way to describe a needy woman who requires a lot of care from her (typically male) partner in the form of time, money, or effort. Women who demand emotional connection and care, attention, intimacy, or other forms of human interaction are often deemed undesirable because really, who has time for all that work? My recent understanding of this condition hasn’t come from being in a partnership with anyone, but from being fully with myself, without any adulterants, no escapes, no distractions. Just me. On my own. Doing life. Since being sober for three years from 2011 – 2014, I’ve spent the better part of the last three years in an on again/off again relationship with booze. A lot of things contributed to my thinking that this time, alcohol wouldn’t do me wrong like it had so many times in the past. I had done hundreds of hours of talk therapy. I had coping mechanisms that were healthy. I had a support system that was solid. I had done multiple years of my whole bad ass life full of events and parties and travel without drinking and loved it. I had taken my self esteem and self worth from the bottom of the valley to the top of the mountain. I liked myself. I had become a person of integrity, responsibility, and reliability for myself and the people I love. I was healthy…

HELLO THERE

My name is Sinclair, and I also go by Lotus on the playa. I’m a music obsessed web designer and writer from Austin, Texas, and am now living that nomad life in search of my dream.

I make Spotify mixtapes and write impassioned, openhearted confessionals about music, film, doing life, dating, singledom, love, and learning how to be a better human through repeated epic failures, self compassion, and gratitude.