This has been such a rollercoaster ride these past four years. My previous boyfriend was amazingly smart, and we inspired each other to adventure.

We ended up in Mexico, both working at a resort doing web design. A year after living there, I started getting physically abused and gaslighted.

He has, on rare occasions, admitted to his physical and mental abuse. He was the only person I knew, my travel buddy, and what I thought would be my protected. It turned into a nightmare.

I informed my father of the abuse, but he loved my boyfriend and would justify his behavior by saying things to both of us like, “When Kat was a growing up there were many times I wanted to hit her, just don’t do it.” Or, “between you and him, it’s 50/50 (size-wise). It shouldn’t be a problem.” Anyway, this went on for another year.

Being called all names under the sun for accidentally leaving his laundry in the wash and not changing it over (trivial stuff) or he would come into my doctor appointments and tell me his take on it instead and would tell me western medicine is not as effective as his home remedies and I was silly and naive for believing in my doctor. I was back in my home town at this time, and my friends and family felt like a safety net. Finally, we parted ways.

I found someone new shortly after. Someone I knew from my childhood and things seemed great. He was so persistent in getting me to move in (I was still living with/in me and my ex’s house). I guess I was hurt and reacted to these acts of bold kindness; I thought it was just because he knew I needed out of that space.

It is a fuzzy start because it was induced with drinking and some bickering light debates. We are both stubborn people, I think. I would get so riled up when he would talk over me when I’m trying to get my point across as if I wasn’t even moving my mouth. He would always claim he knows what I think cause I wear it on my face.

He would ask me why I looked mad when I wasn’t feeling mad. When I told him I’m just tired or whatever my feelings were at the time he would just tell me not to lie to him, he could “just tell.” I fidget a lot and shake my foot or play with my hair. (Usually, I’m tuned into something else or in my on world l) When he asked what I thought I’d respond would be, “nothing really just focusing on the movie.”

He would interrogate me about my day, and I must have done something wrong because I looked nervous or as if I was hiding something. He embarrassed me at work and has had me let go from jobs because of his unsuspected visits and rude behavior to the other staff, meanwhile putting 100 dollar bills in my tip jar at the casino and commenting on it every time someone walked up to the bar.

I’d walk into the lunchroom where he wasn’t allowed, but if a male walked in after me, it was because we were up to something. I would get asked, “who was that guy?” And a lot of the times, I was unaware of that person being near me. I would request a song at karaoke, but if I was bending over and therefor more then a sec. I was flirting, and he would want to leave right away.

I recently lied to him to hang out with a male friend of mine (unromantic). We had been friends since grade school. He was spying on me somehow, and I was caught in a lie. I was trying to avoid a fight. Now you can imagine the backlash I got. I find myself confused, trying to think about when I have been unfaithful when there has never been an incident.

We get caught in these fight loops, and I get asked the same thing over and over again, but the moment I answer with hesitating or change the small word that could be taken slightly different (semantics) then I’m just a lying whore, and he can’t be with a liar.

I was relieved when he broke it off, yet very sad because I was faithful, and I was just tipping toeing in my little world. But when I arranged to pick up my things and my dog, he said he never actually broke up with me and that if I cared about us, I would stay and not give up. But I can’t talk to certain friends anymore. He doesn’t like my girlfriend’s because they got sick of his behavior towards them when he hired them to housekeeping.

I get asked why I choose to be around people who don’t believe in us over him (my father included). Puts down my friends and family, saying that they will never amount to anything as great as him. When I was pregnant and grumpy, he would tell me any girl would be happy to have his kid and that I was ungrateful. (I lost the child).

He still actively wants me to have his baby. I’m scared cause I want to when things are good, so I encourage this when I’m clouded. I briefly come to my senses here and there.

He hired me at the company that he owns and always threatens if we break up he is cutting me a check that day and we will part ways. Last night he kept telling me I don’t care about him, and I should break it off cause that’s what I want to do is be free and be a skank.

We went over this same conversation for over 2 hours. As many times as I tried to reassure him, I care and that I love him, he would say I don’t. Over and over and over. In between, he would mock me and tell me to call one of my many guy friends on hand. Finally, I asked him what he thinks, and he said I broke his heart. And that I’m a bad person.

We actually admitted this is not good, we are unhappy. I am the one who messed up bad, and this is solely my fault, I did lie. I feel as if it was to protect myself from becoming emotionally exhausted as I feel I have been.

If I went to bed before him and didn’t stay in the den with him till he went to bed, he would play loud music and stomp around. This has gone on for a year. I have had a recent episode of blowing up and trying to harm myself (heavily drinking) under the influence once and punching him.

He even had a couple of bite marks. I’m so ashamed of myself for hurting him physically. I don’t remember this incident only what I have been told. I think this is accurate.

I’m at my wit’s end, and last night, it had an ending (one of many previous) I’m feeling lost having no job or living dwellings to turn to. I do love this person I just exposed so much about.

I’m so sorry your life is like this, it’s very close to home as it’s so similar to how my life is.

I don’t know why we let ourselves be treated this way when we know we deserve so so much more. To live a normal healthy life that we enjoy! To not have to walk on eggshells and rehears in our heads what we are going to say in case it is wrong and upsets them. I hate living like this.

But I too love him more than anything even though I know I shouldn’t. I hope we get through this and get to be happy people at the end of it! Sending you huge love and support. x

Kat, no doubt you love him, and he´s really nice, and a cool guy when he´s nice, and you two have very romantic moments and have been living through a lot and make a good team.

But, nothing of this counts if you are being abused like this. His “bad” side, the part of him who is incredibly controlling and abusive, is also a part of him; it´s not something that happens from time to time, it´s him too, and that makes him a kind of ugly and very dangerous person.

When you said that your father said that it´s 50-50, oh, come on!! It´s just so cliche! I read, “Why does he do that?” about abusive partners, and he is so cliche. It´s very unfair to you.May I recommend you that book to you? I feel like it might be very useful to see the situation from an abuser´s therapist’s point of view because there is a lot of manipulation and awareness that they paint as a moment of anger or just going nuts for a while or similar.

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