“Look, I know we’ve had some problems the past couple years, but you can’t just leave me like this.”

“Look, yourself. We’ve been having problems ever since we got together.”

I thought No, that isn’t right, we got along very well for many years. When I verbalized that thought there was only silence.

Then, “Yes, many years together. When you were younger you were actually willing to listen to my advice. Have you considered that we might have been together too many years?”

“No, I’ll admit I’ve never considered that.” I was silent for just a few seconds before saying, “What are you planning to do?”

She then said the thing I was dreading. “I don’t know. I think we need to get a divorce.”

I laughed at that — probably shouldn’t have, but I did. “We’ve never been officially ‘married’ so we can’t get a divorce.”

“Then we’ll get a separation. I’m sure I can show how I’ve helped you over the years and you’ve done nothing for me.”

“Helped me? What, how, when?”

“Don’t you remember Julia?”

I thought and finally came up with the image. “Oh, yeah, the Latina chick with the big…”

“Yes, and what were you going to say to her?”

“One of my best lines: ‘I’ve had quite a bit to drink and you’re beginning to look pretty good.’ That’s worked wonders for me.”

“And I stopped you from sounding stupid, right?”

“Sounding stupid? You gave me some silly thought about her ‘feelings.’ Her feelings, for goodness’s sake.”

“And, after you followed my advice, how did that night turn out?”

I hesitated long enough that she knew the answer and she reminded me about another possible conquest. “How about Melanie — remember her?”

“Oh, yes, she was so hot.”

“And your best effort was what?”

I thought and finally said, “That was easy. She had curves everywhere so I just said, ‘All those curves, and me with no brakes.’ That always works.”

I couldn’t see her, of course, but I could tell she shrugged and then said, “Nope, didn’t work and you refused to listen to me that night so you slept alone. You’ve also used, or tried to use such lame things as, ‘Would you touch me so I can tell my friends I’ve been touched by an angel?’ or, ‘Do you like jigsaw puzzles? Let’s go to my room and put our pieces together.’

“Face it, none of those lame things worked. The only time you got anywhere with a girl was when you listened to me.”

“And I suppose you think that’s because of your input?”

“You arrogant, narcissistic, animal. Where would you be without me? I’ll tell you where — alone. And that’s what you deserve. I’m leaving.”

Her aura floated toward the front door, slipped through the crack between the door and the frame, and was gone.

“Yeah? Well, go, I don’t need you. A real man don’t need no stinkin’ feminine side getting in the way all the time!”