A recording and a-muse-ment of my virtual trials and travails in the metaverse.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

A Guide To Responsible Meeroo Hunting

omnomnom!

Since the Meeroo Liberation Front [MLF] has become active, led by the anarchist @BritishMeeroo, Meeroo aficianados have come under increasing attack. We have been splattered with fake Meeroo blood while sporting our Meeroo winter coats; we have been hounded in the press; we have been misrepresented and misquoted. We, the responsible Meeroo Eaters, would like to ease public fears that we are monsters, bent on destroying Meeroos willy-nilly for our own gain and pleasure. Nothing could be farther from the truth.

Know Your Prey

This is not a Meeroo! Despite superficial similarities, the above is a part-human Furry and not to be confused with a Meeroo! Please use this handy Meeroo Identification Guide to ensure you are well-versed in the appearance of your prey.

Domesticated Meeroo are not permissible nor acceptable prey. Any Meeroo that is not wild, including ranch-bred Meeroo, is not a legitimate target. Please only hunt wild Meeroo; those that have escaped and those that have run away from their neglectful, disinterested owners. You wouldn't want a cute little girl like this crying because you shot her pet Meeroo, would you?

Hunting Responsibly

We have established that the wild Meeroo is the only acceptable prey. Let us talk about the ethics of Meeroo hunting.

Many Meeroo escape back into the wild because of the inattention and neglect of their owners. Whether through lack of food or love, Meeroo escape and cause environmental havok in a similar way to the rabbits of Australia or the wild pigs of Hawai'i. Like wise, when wild Meeroo herd together, they are more susceptible to disease, weakening the herd and transmitting the diseases to their young, who grow up afflicted. This is not healthy for the herd.

Wild Meeroo are often desperate, pitiful creatures, following people around, clinging to their ankles and moaning. Starving Meeroo are a very pitiful sight - they may take to assaulting vehicles at traffic stop points, smearing a dirty rag around your windshield while pressuring you for money for "cleaning your windshield"; they may hang around stores where women shop, panhandling berries and frightening children. They have been known to engage in gangsterism and hoodlumry. They may carry ticks or other parasites.

For these and many other reasons, we believe in hunting Meeroo. Certain guidelines should be observed in order to be a responsible Meeroo hunter.

Rules for Good Sportsmanship in Meeroo Hunting

1. No domestic Meeroo should be hunted. Enjoy them and study their ways. Do not lick your lips around domesticated Meeroo or make comments about recipes or tastiness; you may frighten them or their owner. Restrain yourself. Remember, some people have pet cows, pigs and chickens too.

2. Meeroo should not be indiscriminately hunted from helicopters ala Sarah Palin. Responsible hunters do not hunt for the thrill of killing. Real hunters do not mass murder animals for "sport."

3. Only hunt as many Meeroo as you can reasonably eat at one time or freeze for later. Do not overhunt Meeroo. There will be a plentiful supply owing to the transient nature of human affections (and the price of berry bowls). Be patient; if you hunt them, they will come.

4. Wild Meeroo have a huge range owing to the dearth of indigenous virtual flora from which to feed. Never hunt Meeroo in the same area twice in one season. Range far and wide while hunting Meeroo in order to give the species some "breathing room."

5. Utilize all parts of the Meeroo, not just prime cuts. Remember, this animal gave its life for you to live so please treat a dead Meeroo with respect. Collect the bones for soup; the hooves for gelatin or buttons and the tendons and ligaments for bow strings, boot laces and woven mats. The tails may be added to a variety of fashions or worn simply as a different type of Furry attachment. The hollow bones of the Meeroo make excellent flutes and whistles; claws and teeth may be used as jewelry. Meeroos are small, but a coat made from Meeroo hide is very warm, snuggly and weatherproof. They also make stylish purses and handbags.

6. Use weapons that will stun a Meeroo until you administer the coup de grâce; terrifying the Meeroo while it is already in pain is a bad spiritual thing. It will also taint the meat with excess adrenaline, making it "gamey" and "sour." Remember, you are not a murderer; you are a responsible sportsman and hunter. Do not toy with your Meeroo but dispatch it with the utmost haste and care. A hunting bow will ensure that you maintain your woodscraft skills; a small club may be carried to stun a Meeroo weakened by an arrow until the finishing blow.

7. Never ever hunt immature Meeroo. The sense of this should be apparent. It is against the law to hunt immature Meeroo. There is not enough meat on them to make it worthwhile anyway.

With these simple rules, one may hunt Meeroo in a responsible and conscientious fashion; far more responsibly that the consumers of cows, pigs and chickens do; hunting only for food, not sport and dispatching the prey in a swift and humane manner, utilizing all parts of the Meeroo.

Remember, you are a Hunter in direct contact with your prey, unlike the consumers who passively accept the plastic-wrapped loaves in the grocery as some kind of natural form of edible animal. You have accepted the reality of Life and participate in it fully. Honor the Meeroo for the bounty he gives you.

Here in Canada, we're a bit behind on the Meeroo hunting craze. It seems there is still trouble trying to get local officials to supply a hunting license for wild meeroo. However, due to these problems, game wardens are accepting a jackalope hunting license as an alternative equivalent for meeroos.