Nixon Recommends

Nixon*Mart - Needs More Nixon!

I'm not unfamiliar with protest movements. I've had to endure groups of smelly, unwashed, communist-influenced, sign-waving malcontents for almost my entire political life. So naturally I am pleased as punch to see the right muster a similar movement, complete with frothing-at-the-mouth hysterics and semi-literate troglodytes whipped into blind rage at a liberal President.

I love the fact that these inbred nincompoops are out there holding racist, hate-filled signs, threatening violence and irritating the liberals. But most of all I love how they've adopted the Nixon way of creating and spreading the biggest and most outrageous lies possible. I built my political life on telling ghost stories about communists lurking in corners, so it warms my heart that these savage dimwits have chosen to resurrect socialism as their monster, and I admit to an admiration of the sheer audacity of this strategy.

Now, of course the whole complaint of these Tea people is completely baseless. President Obama is no more a socialist than Eisenhower or I were. The yelping and gnashing of teeth at this health care reform is a clever ruse to hide the real cause of anger, because even these Tea Bag nitwits understand that the health care reform is really no more socialist than Medicare, Social Security, the National Parks system, the CDC, or the money the federal government spends on schools, roads, and protection. No, the real burr in the saddle of these Tea people is the fact that Obama is a mulatto. After all, it's not a coincidence that the whole Tea Bag movement is filled with conservative, middle-aged, viagra-popping, xenophobic white men.

The danger, however, is to the Republican Party as a whole. This Tea Bag thing is a tricky issue. The GOP needs to keep the extreme reactionary lunatics happy, but can't risk alienating the vast, moderate Orthogonians out there. Embracing the Tea people, with their racist anger and violent tendencies, could turn off the rational center of the country. On the other hand, denouncing them as fanatical bigots could trigger a George Wallace type of candidate in 2012.

It's a tightrope for the GOP. But before the hammer falls the sight of this group of wild-eyed waterheads shouting about socialism brings a nostalgic warmth..