the.lifestyle.artist

Aug 12, 2009

A very dear friend of mine called yesterday (well actually she pinged me on BB messenger) but the result was the same. The guy she once said those three little words to and meant it, was no longer wanting to hear them. They were breaking up, and it broke my heart to hear the pain she felt in losing him. It was not in her nature to be tenacious, yet here she was looking for every reason to pursue him still.

I think one thing women need to work on is not being a victim when it comes to the end of road. As the 'fairer' sex i know we love to play the damsel. We are conditioned to let the guy make choices for us and then weep inconsolably at the outcome. But that doesn't mean we have to be the one drawing the short straw. Oh no..... accepting it is almost half of the battle. Its gaining his respect in one hand, keeping your dignity intact, and its a step in the direction of getting over the loss.

We have all been there. The darkest hour? You know the one. When you're just packing away the groceries and a piece of paper falls to the floor, which turns out to be an old love letter from 'him'. Suddenly the panic and pain hits you in the chest, and the tears you buried surface bringing with them all the heart-wrenching emotions, blazing full colour right there in your kitchen next to the fridge. It totally sucks. He's gone and you feel like you will never, never get through it alone... not without him.

Maybe you're going through this right now? But i can tell you... there is a choice. Even if the 'break-up' is not what you wanted, there is a way to get through it that doesn't have to entertain such drama. As i've experienced my share of heartache, i've realised a few things.... drama begets drama, and usually the thing that hurts most of all is your ego, and fear of loss. If you'll listen here are a few thoughts that have carried me through to see the light at the end of the tunnel. And you can do it, however long you were with him, and however close u were together. The only thing holding you back is limit of the perception you have of yourself and your self worth.

Day 1. You broke up. Maybe he ended things with you or maybe it was mutual but you feel like it was less your choice than his. You'll probably be feeling the ache of loss right now inside. That loss is just a hole where he used to make u feel 'loved' and 'accepted'. Remember that is the ego demanding that you fill that void either by chasing him or by crying, feeling sorry for yourself and generally just moping. Do yourself a favour and realise that this loss just means you have lost your connection to yourself, the person that matters most. How to reconnect with you? Treat yourself like you want the world to treat you... you matter most. Cook yourself an amazing meal, dress up and do your make up, go out with a good book and sit in the sun or in a bar with a glass of wine. Date yourself. Leave room for no one else. You deserve it.

Day 2. You spent the whole night awake and in tears. You don't want to do anything but stay in bed, cry and hug your pillow... well don't, you are not a victim anymore, so don't act like one. The things he has done to hurt you (and breaking up with you is hurting you) can't be repeated now that he is not allowed to be close to you. He is no longer allowed to make you feel as small as you felt when he left you. He lost that right so don't keep giving it to him. The only way to be the victim is if you let your mind decide you are one. And don't pay any attention to the mind and the shallow thoughts it has about how 'weak' you are. You wouldn't let a friend tell you such things, so don't allow you.

Day 3. You woke up and he wasn't there and body ached to feel him next to you. The body is the most treacherous of all. It wants physical contact and your memory of what it was like is causing you real pain because you know its will never be with him again. Ok cut the crap. Firstly if you've been crying all night you will now look terrible and thats no way to abuse yourself for the sake of a guy. And secondly, how do you know you will not feel an embrace that good with someone else. It happened before it will happen again. Take a deep breath, get up and put on some loud, summer tunes that make you feel like dancing and be bold. If you do happen to recall memories of you together picture them small and at a distance, devoid of colour and grainy.... like an old movie. Put on some sexy underwear and blow kisses at yourself. Imagine that some new guy is going to get very lucky one day because u are now free to flaunt it elsewhere after being taken for granted for so long.

Day 4. Burn it or get rid of. I'm not talking material things here. I'm talking about your emotions that lend a sad tear of regret to the relationship. The worst thing that holds people back is thinking that they could have avoided this outcome or that they still can avoid it. I've got news for you.... its happened and by treating it like whats done is done is the only way to get through it faster and smarter AND with his respect. Don't ask him for answers to ask him to consider a second chance. Where you are now will teach you how to avoid mistakes in the future, but with someone else. Because you can only apply these lessons at the time to reap the benefits, not now and not later. Write out a list of things that you won't accept from any guy full stop, and see where he failed you. Take note that he did fail you and how you let him. Promise yourself that you won't let anyone else treat you as badly... and that if he wants a second chance he would have to earn your trust. He is the one being rejected.

Day 5. No contact... for a while. You don't have to cut him out of your life forever. Just for now will do while you sort out yourself and your life. If he is worth it you guys will be friends again. Don't worry too much that you will never see him or speak to him again. Thats being a tad over the top. It may feel like you can never be friends but you don't know the future and feelings fade. If you're finding that you need to call him then just remember that contacting him for anything other than 'polite conversation' makes you look weak and sets you back to day one every single time. No emotional stuff ok? It drains both you and him. He will find reasons to avoid you to keep from 'hurting' you (yes men are idiots). Just keep it light, short and sweet. You want to be his 'cool' ex... not his freaky, stalker, still hung up on him bunny boiler ex.

Day 6. Either have options or none at all. Us girls aren't like men and sometimes we need to close ourselves off to other guys. While this is ok for a while, realise that men operate on the 'options' side of things and so he'll have a head start in the 'seeing someone else' game. If you're ok with that then by all means become a nun and become best friends with your rabbit. However dating can be good for the soul. Just dinner and drinks and mild flirting make the ego happy. Don't fall into the trap of thinking that the first guy you meet is the standard you're stuck with for the rest if your life and this is what has become of you. Imagine you've just be given your first unlimited store card and you're trying it out whatever seems to take your fancy. Just have fun. Later you'll get more discerning at what you want and you'll know in as little as a few minutes if a guy is worth dating, and if he's worth your time/effort or not.

Day 7. Think of where you want to go in your life. Write a list of all the things you want to have, or things that you want to do. Then go and live/get that list. Do something nice for yourself to look forward to or get involved in something satisfying and worthwhile that doesn't involve a guy. Going away is always good or even better start studying (think juliaroberts in pretty woman) or even throw yourself into a business or get creative. Notice i didn't say work? You need to add more round edges to yourself to fill the void in your ego and build confidence in yourself and spend more time with you, not work yourself into the ground! Many girls say that they don't know what to do now. Well use this opportunity to do something you could never have done when you with that guy or with anyone. Go out and just have fun with life. You never know where it will take you and who you will meet ;)

So there we have it. I'm not saying it will only take seven days but i see no reason why it shouldn't. Time is just a concept created in our minds. A minute can feel like a day, and a week can fly by in the blink of an eye.

This post is dedicated to my best and closest friend ,who i can't be there for this week, but i am thinking of her lots! xoxo

2
comments:

Gosh I wish it only took 7 days and you put the process together well! I hope your friend is feeling better, I was with my ex for 5 years and I can honestly say it took me at least 2 years to get over him, their were a lot of emotions involved. But...sometimes not dwelling on the pain helps, but if it never heals it always comes back up. Healing is such a sweet release though! Hope you enjoy your weekend darlin!

LOL. I know i know... i was aiming for shock factor. I've taken over two years to get over a guy but that was before i knew what i know now! And now i know what i know i must say getting over a guy doesn't seem to drag like it used to. In fact its usually healed pretty quickly ;)realistically it will prob take longer but we can always hope!