Okay, you crazy kids. Last time on the madness that is The Bachelorette, we left off with JoJo crying and crying and crying in her electric blue evening gown, kneeling outside at an airport hanger, in the midst of the Rose Ceremony. Why? Because she was all set to send cowboy/no expression Luke home, when Luke stopped her and finally told her that, yes, he has fallen in love with her.

Now she doesn’t know what to do, because she may be in love with 4 men. FOUR!!! She says she is “terrified”, because she is almost always terrified, then finally returns to the rose ceremony and the four men.

First, she picks Floppy (Jordan.) Next, she chooses Cartoon-Face (Robby.) Finally, she chooses Chase, whose name is Chase, so he has already been abused enough in life. So, after all that malarkey, Luke is sent packing anyway. He looks absolutely stunned, and this marks the very first time that he has ever had a facial expression of any kind. She cries more as she tells him she was struggling with what his feelings are for her. “I don’t know how to say goodbye to you!”, she bellows. “I don’t either! This is not supposed to be happening,” he responds back, as he enters the sad limo of rejection. He tells cameras from inside: “I don’t even know how to process this right now. I was in love with her, but I didn’t even get the chance TO love her.” She cries more and wonders again if she made a mistake, saying out loud: “I miss him.”

This week’s episode is usually referred to by fans as “Fantasy Suite Week.” What that really means is that this is the episode in which the bachelorette has the opportunity to potentially sleep with 3 different men, on 3 back to back nights. Because you know, that is totally normal and doesn’t screw with your head or emotions at ALL.

Our JoJo gets a private date with each of the remaining 3 men, and during the dinner portion of the date, they are given a “fantasy suite card” that invites them to forego their individual rooms, and spend the night together in the fantasy suite. The cards are always written/signed by host Chris Harrison, because he’s a big giant creep who is probably masturbating in the adjacent room as she and her man of the evening “do it.”

This week, the 3 men and JoJo are in Thailand for this part of the adventure, and JoJo remarks: “So this is the week of exotic overnight dates.” Well, THAT’S an understatement! More like: “So this is the week where we finally get to screw each other off-camera in a private room, and where I get to decide who sucks in bed and who I could never in a million years marry!” So, let us discuss each of the three dates ……..

DATE ONE / JOJO AND CARTOON FACE:

So JoJo and Cartoon Face start off their day by walking the streets of Thailand, hanging out at street vendors and food markets and such. Then they get pedicures together as they sit and talk. They kiss and talk more in the streets as it starts to rain. Later, they have their dinner portion of the date. The food looks delicious. Nobody eats the food.

He assures her that he loves her and that she can trust him always. The creepy Fantasy Suite card arrives on a platter, and JoJo asks Cartoon-Boy to read it out loud. He does. “This is the key to the Fantasy Suite, should you wish to forego your separate rooms tonight. From, Chris Harrison.” Robby is excited to get it on with JoJo, so he says yes to the sharing of the room. JoJo is a horny little thing, so she agrees. She tells cameras that she is in love with him. They enter the room, and the Do Not Disturb sign is put on the doorknob, signaling that massive sex will soon be happening.

The next morning, they share breakfast in bed, and she says to him: “This is our first breakfast together.” She says goodbye to him, they part, and she tells cameras that although she loves him, she is not going to say those words to anyone until the end, when she knows for sure who it is she will spend her life with. (or break up with 5 months from now.)

DATE TWO / JOJO AND FLOPPY-HAIR:

So on date two, which I believe happens the next day after date one, so she JUST got done having sex with another man, and now will possibly have sex with a second man, the next day.

Just sayin’. It’s a little weird.

Anyway, they go hiking together, through all these beautiful mountains and rocks and woods and caves. It is quite a hike, and Floppy is impressed with her active nature. “Wow, look at you! Where’d all that energy come from?” Too bad she couldn’t reply with: “Well, Floppy – it’s the energy a woman gets after just being fucked really good by that other guy on the show. You know – it’s that whole ‘morning after’ glow thing. Cool, huh?”

They go inside a cave where there is a sacred Temple, and no kissing is allowed. This results in boring conversation about how they can’t kiss but they really want to kiss but they can’t kiss. She tells cameras that she is afraid he isn’t ready to commit to her forever.

Later, they have their dinner date. The food looks delicious again. Nobody eats the food. They have a serious conversation, where Floppy tries to be deep, but he’s pretty shallow, so it’s kind of lame. He tells her that he wants to spend his life with her. She says: “That’s what Ben said too. How do you know?”

He says he is a better person with her, and that he sees her face in his future. The creepy date card comes, and he reads it. It has the exact same wording as the one the night before, except it says “Dear JoJo and Jordan”, instead of “Dear JoJo and Robby.” They should at least change the wording a little bit – make a guy feel special. So tacky.

Anyway, he reads it, and says yes to having massive sex. JoJo says: “I can’t wait.” Ewww. They go inside and she comments on how beautiful the room is, just as she did with the other guy. It IS a different room at least, isn’t it? Because that’s REALLY tacky if they are all screwing in the same room, same bed. God, I hope they at LEAST change the sheets before Guy #2 and #3 go in there. Wouldn’t you hate being Guy #3? Knowing you are the 3rd person she might be screwing in one week? Wow.

There are just so many things wrong with this entire set-up. How does she not get confused and yell out the wrong name? Maybe she just sticks with the generic: “Oh God yes!”, or something. Or maybe she yells Chris Harrison’s name instead. So they shut the lights, symbolizing that they are also about to “do it.” In the morning, the same standard breakfast in bed arrives, and I SWEAR TO YOU, she says the EXACT same thing to Floppy that she said to Cartoon Boy the night before. “This is our very first breakfast together!” Yuck. After he leaves, she tells cameras that she is in love with two men at the same time.

DATE THREE / JOJO AND CHASE, WHOSE NAME IS CHASE:

By this time, she must be all kinds of sore down there, so her and Chase take a light walk around town and explore stores and markets and things. The two go to a fish market, where Chase puts a fish above his mouth and pretends to eat it, then gives it a voice and makes it talk. JoJo finds this hilarious, and they giggle like 5 year olds.

Next, they go on a boat ride and talk and laugh. She tells cameras what a great time she is having with him. Says that he brings so much joy to her life. They swim and make out in the ocean. In between the day and night portion of their date, JoJo goes back to her room to change and get ready for the evening, when Cartoon Face knocks on her door to see her. He says he missed her and just wanted to say hello. They just had massive sex, after all, so why not drop by in the middle of another date?

She tells him she is on another date, and he says: “I’m trying not to think about that.” They kiss and talk a bit, then she sends him on his way. The dinner date happens with Chase. The food looks divine. Nobody eats the food.

Chase reads the Fantasy Suite card out loud, she accepts and he accepts. They go into the room which may or may not be the same room she was just in with the other two, and the bed which may or may not be the same bed that probably smells like tacky, reality-show sex by now.

While sitting drinking wine together, Chase decides its time to tell her he loves her, which he has never told any other woman before in his life. He says: “I am 100% in love with you. I know what a burden that phrase carries, and I’m ready to carry that burden.” She looks like she has been hit by lightning and all the color goes out of her face. She says: “Thank you for telling me that. Can you wait here for a minute?” She leaves him on the couch with his sad wine and his sad name, and she sits outside on a bench and starts crying because she doesn’t love him back. She has an overwhelming feeling of doubt.

“I don’t want to hurt him. I wanted to fall in love with him”, she wails to cameras outside. Finally she collects herself and goes in to break his heart. It doesn’t go well. She tells him that she doesn’t think she is in the same place with her feelings, and that spending the night together would be unfair and make things worse.

She should have added: “Plus, I’m kind of beat. I just screwed two other dudes the past two nights, and you’re last, so …. sorry!”

He gets mad and quiet and she says “talk to me.” He says: “What do you want me to say? I just jumped over a huge hurdle to say I love you, and you 100% made me regret saying that. So now love = get the fuck out? That was so terrifying for me to say, and now look at where I end up.” She cries and says she is so sorry. Chase leaves. JoJo chases after Chase.

Get it? Chases after Chase? Cuz that’s his dumb name, but it’s also a verb.

She tells him again that she wanted to fall in love with him and see a future, but she just didn’t. He says dramatically: “I saw it.” Then he gets into a sad van, which isn’t even a sad limo, because I guess they weren’t expecting him to go home so he doesn’t even get the proper limousine all the other rejects got. He tells cameras: “That sucked. That’s like pulling my pants down, just to kick me in the nuts. I should have never said I love you.”

ROSE CEREMONY:

Since Chase was sent home, there is no reason to have the ceremony, but she holds it anyway just to be dramatic. So, now it’s between Floppy, the Former Football Player – and Cartoon Face, the Former Swimmer.

Both are currently some version of unemployed, and both seem like some version of a man-child to me, but hey – whatever floats your boat. Anyway, she tells the two guys that she sent Chase home, and as she says this, Chase appears out of nowhere and asks her to talk. He takes her aside and she leaves the two men standing there staring at each other like dorks. The camera pans to them both wiping sweat from their foreheads at the exact same time – like THAT wasn’t planned or choreographed.

Chase tells JoJo that he came back to tell her he is “proud” of her, and that he isn’t mad at her. Really? Then he says: “I still think you’re wrong. I still want to be yours, and if that can happen down the road, my heart is open to you.”

Another words, when your engagement from this show ends in a horrid break-up 5 months later, call me. They hug and say goodbye, and she cries more, saying it was hard seeing him again. She gives both of the remaining men their roses, and Chris Harrison sits in the Fantasy Suite sniffing the bed sheets.

THE MEN TELL ALL EPISODE:

So this week, there were two episodes of this madness, technically. The “Men Tell All” is this really dumb episode that airs the week before the Finale, where they bring all the men back from the season, and they have a live audience of fans, and they all sit around re-hashing what happened and all the pointless drama of the season. It is totally silly and pointless, and of course, the producers were pushing the whole CHAD IS BACK angle all week-long with this.

The men are introduced and they all take a seat together, except for Chad, who is shown walking out of his private trailer and whistling as he walks in to be introduced separately. The whole damn show is about Chad once again, and the producers just feed the monster. They show all the Chad clips of what happened, then he comes out and sits in the hot seat next to Chris Harrison. They talk about why they all hate him. He says he doesn’t care.

Everyone says Alex put more energy into Chad than into JoJo. Eyebrows Ali says something and his brows grow larger. Everyone argues like pre-teen girls on their periods, and Chad eats from a meat-tray off to the side.

Then Chad reveals that since the show’s taping, he has been “hanging out with” both Grant and Robby’s ex-girlfriends. Chris asks him if he has been intimate with him, because Chris is a perv, and he replies: “They’re both beautiful women, okay. That’s all.”

Someone who I don’t remember existing named Nick B. stands up randomly, takes off his jacket, and starts asking Chad if he wants to “take it outside.” Chad says: “We both have dress shoes on.” That is his response. Nick calls him a coward, and then Canadian Dan pleads with his plastic-looking face that looks like it’s melting: “Must we resort to violence?”

The non-fight fizzles out, and Chris Harrison asks Chad what his problem is with Jordan, because apparently he has a problem with Jordan that we should care about. Chad says that Jordan just wants to be famous and wants media attention. Harrison says: “What about Robby?” because we are now supposed to care what Chad thinks of the final two men on the show.

He says: “I know that he has threatened his ex, Hope. He told her not to talk to press, don’t do interviews, or I’ll come and get you.” The audience gasps, and Grant says “pretty sure that’s a total lie.” Harrison then shows clips of the Chad madness, and the night where ED-Erectile Dysfunction Guy Evan made jokes about Chad’s steroid use onstage, and then Chad pushed him in the theatre.

They played it in slo-mo like it was some important bill being passed through Congress or something – and then they dissected it, discussing whether or not the push was actually a push. Really? Chad says: “It doesn’t show how hard he pushed me. I almost fell.” Again – really? Evan is a twig with beetle-eyes. Chad is a monster filled with protein-shake for blood. What is the issue here? So, nothing at all is solved, just more petty drama and time-wasting bullshit. In the end of the segment, Chad says “Sometimes you pick pickles when you should have had apples.” What? Okay, then.

Up next is Luke, who talks about having his heart-broken by JoJo. He says he was in love with her, and still is. He then says he just wants her to be happy. Chris asks him if he is ready to love again, and he says yes. I think he will end up being the next bachelor.

Chase is next. He says he felt blindsided, and doesn’t get why she asked him to go to the Fantasy Suite only to send him home. JoJo sits in the hot seat and answers questions. She talk with Chase, Luke, and James Taylor, who thanks her and tells her she looks beautiful tonight. That man is so damn classy. They all fawn all over her and tell her she is amazing. Chad watches as he chomps on some unidentified food group. Chad says: “Can I talk? Can I say words?” JoJo gives him permission to speak.

He says: “I wish you luck, but I do know that Robby broke up with his ex days before filming to be on the show, and we know that Jordan is a liar / cheater whose own brother won’t even talk to him.” Everyone boos him, and JoJo says she could go off right now, but “No. He loves this. This is what he wants. He loves the attention, and we’re giving it to him. He’s not even worth my breath.” The men give her a standing ovation, like she just cured cancer.

The rest of this show was just lame crap to kill time. Vinny’s tacky mom standing up from the audience to tell JoJo she made a mistake and should go out with him, then telling all the girls in the audience that he is still single. Then they showed bloopers, which were basically lots of shots of JoJo getting bugs near her mouth or face and then screaming. Clips of next week’s finale were shown. Who will she pick? Who cares?

ON NEXT WEEKS FINALE:

JoJo can’t decide who to marry, so she becomes a lesbian and goes on the next season of The Bachelorette as a contestant instead of as the bachelorette. Chris Harrison invites Floppy and Cartoon Face to the Fantasy Suite for a threesome. Luke stares into the sky, expressionless, until he finally dies of confusion.