Soap Opera Scotland's Game of Gnomes - Series Oneby Rab Christie

Genre:DramaSwearwords: None.Description:EPISODE SIX - Beware of Greeks bearing gifts._____________________________________________________________________Of course the wheels of government grind very slowly, especially when recess is upon us. And Scott’s ‘outburst’, as it was seen by most of the One Nation governed media outlets, was put out to grass… ‘What can you expect from people who have no understanding of the importance of government? Who exactly is Scott MacGnome? He has no future as a politician.’ This was the kind of thing that went round the media until the next big thing happened. Which was the crisis in Greece. Again. No silly season this summer. No summer, come to that. Just wall to wall grey. Is this the future? Is this what we deserve? Is this what we’ve brought our planet to? Or don’t you believe in climate change?

As is the case in general with politics, no one bothered to actually think about the things Scott had said, or the things he’d left unsaid. Scott held his resolve, but he couldn’t help but feel a bit deflated. It all felt like such a waste of time. He hated the Dirty old River in Das Capital with a vengeance and he most of all hated MOP’s dusty corridors of power. He craved the reality and the open spaces of the Rural Mountain constituency. But he feared that when he returned there people would have lost confidence in him. What had he achieved so far? Nothing.

‘Dramatic gestures are just that,’ Angus pointed out to him in their overcrowded office as they prepared to head home for the long vacation, although of course it was permissible to do some work while in your constituency, though most of the One Nation MOPs used the time to go on holidays abroad. Greece was off the agenda this year, of course. ‘It’s the crisis, stupid,’ The Prime Mover told his cabinet when issuing the order that no One Nation Party Member should be seen near Greece getting a tan that summer.

Greece was making Gnomeland uneasy. First the Greek government had refused to bow to EuroGnomic pressure and now they were over-run with Gnomes from non Euro areas. No, the One Nation Gnomes would have to go further afield in search of sun and fun. And #TeamMacGnome were expected to stay at home and ‘consolidate’ their positions within their communities.

While Scott was yearning to be home, at the same time he was worried. His constant use of GnomeSM saw that while many people supported him, there was an active (he hoped minority) of people who just trolled his every word with put-downs and negative vitriol. He didn’t fancy meeting any of these Gnomes out in the hills or the village streets of his own constituency. And now Angus was suggesting that he was just a show-boater.

‘Don’t worry,’ Angus said, ‘all I mean is that we have to be a bit smarter. Getting Gnown isn’t always the best way to get the job done. (Did you like that attempt at gnomic humour?) High profile can mean slow progress. Maybe you should stay out of the limelight for a bit.’

For a brief moment Scott wondered whether this wasn’t Angus trying to silence him in order to promote his own cause – then he felt guilty – that wasn’t the sort of way #TeamMacGnome behaved. He realised that in less than 100 days at the MOP he’d started to become distrustful, to look over his shoulder, even in his own party. Power hadn’t corrupted him, but it was threatening to throw him off course.

He needn’t have worried about Angus MacFetchum. He was as straight as a die. Even though he’d nurtured the desire for a political career since he was in nappies, he didn’t like MOP ways any more than Scott did. Angus wanted to change the world for the better. Or if not the world then at least liberate the Northron Gnomes into a nation free and independent of their own where there would be equality and social justice for all.

Angus had heard Scott’s speech in full. He knew there was more to this gnome than met the eye – and he thought he had a way to help Scott get his agenda through.

‘Look, Scott,’ he said, ‘take a break, get back among the gnomes at home. Listen to them – to all of them, those who agree and those who don’t. This is important work that we are doing. But it’s not that glamorous and it might be a long haul. We are in the job of undermining, after all. Of complete re-structuring. We can’t just blow the place off the face of the earth – worse luck – but we can make radical changes all the same. You have the ideas and I have the knowledge of how to work the system. Together we’ll be a formidable team.’

Scott knew that Angus was speaking sense. He knew that his plans to abolish the Higher House of GnomeLords, his plans to get voting done by electronic means rather than the antiquated method of going in and out the corridors – of time-saving efficiency and zero tolerance on attending debates – of the very way debates were carried out – were all good solid plans. But not plans that could be achieved on his own or in the short term.

He knew he had to learn some patience. As we all surely do. That’s one of the gifts of a serial – it teaches you to wait. Of course, so does being out of work in a dole queue, but soaps are much more enjoyable than standing in line, right?

However, Scott was having a problem with patience. The more patient he became the more he feared being smothered by the system. It would never corrupt him but it might consume him. And ‘blow it up’. That sounded like something of a better idea. At least it was a back-up plan. Something he could, if necessary, achieve on his own. But it was, he agreed, rather a dramatic action at this stage.

Scott knew he had to try and change things by peaceful means first. But look where that had got the Greeks? He wondered if there was ever such a thing as a peaceful Revolution? He thought he knew the answer to that one.

He took the train back up to the Rural Mountain Constituency. He mingled with the locals. He got a lot of support but the trolls were still out there gunning for him. For the first time, even in his own homeland, he felt crushed by the weight of hatred One Nation gnomes living in his area showed. He was the brunt of it. He’d made a sacrifice to help his people and now half the people told him he was a self-servicing hypocrite, and half the people told him he needed to get his finger out and take action.

And in Greece the sun burned and people took to the streets. And migrants poured in. And things were happening. In the cradle of democracy a new world order was struggling to be born. An order which stood up against the god of economics and the corruption of political power which had perverted democracy into the puppet of the powerful.

So when the travel gnome got in touch with Scott and suggested that they could re-book his delayed holiday to Greece, Scott decided he would go. Not for a holiday. The beaches were full of migrants and refugees, so he decided he would go to Greece and see if there was anything he could learn. He wouldn’t be sitting on a beach, whatever the trolls thought. And even if he was, he’d be talking to migrants. And when he wasn’t on the beach he’d be talking to the more radical wing of the Greek Gnomic Liberation Party which was struggling to keep the hopes of the people in line with the demands of the economic powers that be. The heat was on in Greece alright. And it was going to be a long, hot summer of learning for Scott. You really have been under a stone if you don’t know what happens when heat and unrest are mixed together on the streets. Explosive times we live in, folks!

We are only half way through this series so maybe it’s time for reflection. In that respect I’d like to say that for those of you who are cynical and really believe Scott must be becoming corrupt by the system – money, power, etc. – I’ll point out what he was doing with this excessive salary. He kept 1/3 for himself – which was about the average gnome wage – he gave 1/3 to #TeamMacGnome central fight for independence funds and he set up a charity with the last 1/3 dedicated to practical causes in the fight against rural poverty. And he paid his taxes on the full whack. How’s that for a plan? Yes, you’re right, he’ll never make it as a politician at MOP.

But I still believe our boy is going to disprove the theory that power corrupts. At least I hope he is. He’s the hero of this Soap Opera Scotland, isn’t he? We’ve got to have someone to believe in, after all, don’t we? We all need a gnome to go to in time of trouble. And for my money, Scott MacGnome just fits the bill. But as I said, we’re only half way through the story and if they don’t like me as a script writer, I’m sure I can be replaced.

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About the Author

G. R. Christie (Rab) is from a farming background. His political awakening started in 1996 with the BSE crisis and matured in 2001 with Foot and Mouth. He then studied journalism and politics and he now combines the pitchfork with the pen – or the crap with the computer!

Rab is familiar to many from his political/cultural commentary/rants on McRenegades and is editor in waiting at Deveron Press – launching in December 2015. He’s having a go at satire with the latest McStorytellers McSerial, Soap Opera Scotland’s Game of Gnomes – Series One.