You're the only person who started being hostile here. I'm genuine about this: it's clear you're hurt and looking to lash out at someone and you found a target. You know nothing of me or my life but have made multiple personal attacks on account of my perceived age and mental wellbeing. It's people like you who make being on Reddit such a shitshow outside of women-centered communities. What a horrible joke that you think yourself a feminist. I feel bad for the women around you.

Your second point doesn't address why it's ok to place the onus on women to avoid trash. If the act of sleeping with someone who later turns out to be a slut shamer already happened (and usually it's not just the partner but his friends and your "friends") then to me the obvious place to start is to ask why that's an acceptable response in the first place and confronting that attitude, not telling the victim in question to get better at avoiding dumb friends. It's the difference between empathizing first and jumping to offering solutions, many which are probably impractical.

Of course. I'm not disputing that there are warning signs when it comes to shady dudes. But the OP posted here about being shamed for being a whore. I don't find the advice "well just learn to avoid dudes like that" very helpful. Why is the responsibility on her to have to avoid slut-shaming, and not on dudes who are doing the shaming? Knowledge comes before empowerment, not the other way around.

What happens when you don't have the experience to "be responsible" in your words? Taking blame/being shamed is the flip side to personal responsibility and I'm tired of this narrative being applied to anyone when it comes their sexuality tbh

I didn't say there was no difference. I said that placing the onus on women on telling the difference (when men often use very deceitful tactics--see the entirety of /r/redpill) is dangerous and unhelpful.

The only way to get better at doing that sort of thing anyway comes from personal empowerment, and shaming women into "weeding out" the bad ones won't help.

I don't find this advice helpful at all tbh. There's no secret "tell" for someone wanting to take advantage and someone who has genuine interest and I think it's dangerous to sell women this narrative that they should just get better at weeding out bad men. As women we have our own sexual needs and desires and the first step to finding empowerment is to really listen to yourself and don't allow society or men's perception of you dictate what you want. It's important to drown out the powerful noise and encourage more inner dialogue and to do that you have to abandon shame. Shame and sexuality don't mix.

I think you are missing the point. It's natural to feel guilt after learning you benefit from unearned privilege. But guilt is just the first step. You need to move on from it. Most white people do not want to deal with their guilt, thus leading to them to deny white privilege. Some white people wallow in their guilt and again we get nothing productive from it. The ones who are able to identify, deal with their guilt and turn it into action are our allies.

I don't blame folks for taking it personally. It is personal. It's meant to be (or uncaringly) hurtful. What gets me is most white people act like it's the equivalent of dealing with actual racism. Somewhere in the comments section someone tried to compare this with the KKK chanting anti-black sayings. That just blows my mind because if you accept that racism is this hugely awful structural, systemic issue that props up whiteness at the expense of POC, being called a nasty name or the target of generalizations is like the very least of your worries.

When it comes down to it there's no polite way to call someone out on white privilege. Even mentioning the word or naming whiteness makes people apoplectic--see this very thread as an example.

I see a lot of people handwringing like "oh but if you say this stuff in public what about the good white people who are JUUUUST on the fence but totes voted for Trump???" Believe me I WISH there were a way to gather all the hurting POC who are lashing out and shield them from white people. Because I know reading these comments were enough to get me incensed and on most days I'm mostly past the anger phase. At the end of the day regardless if you're a BLM activist or just a redditor like me we're human and error prone. It's going to take "being the bigger person" from white people if we're ever going to move forward.

Bearing the burden of someone's anger is obviously a huge ask especially since you're not even personally responsible, so yeah in that case ignoring it would probably be the best course of action. We need more people of color who are older and wiser and have entered the "Acceptance" stage of racism to shoulder some of the burden but most activists are barely beyond the anger phase so it's a mess all around.

I actually think the term "tone policing" gets abused a lot and in this case it doesn't actually apply. Obviously someone who is so frustrated at their life to be spewing hate like "fuck white ppl" or "fuck men" that is in a bad place, but having your support network (supposed allies) telling you it's not helping others join the cause is like the least helpful thing to say in that situation, know what I mean?

Anger needs to be expressed before there can be healing and reconciling and oftentimes it seems white people want to skip all the anger and go straight to the kumbaya. It's not going to happen.

Sorry, I'm confusing your comment with a bunch of other ones. But still my comment about expressions of venting being "helpful" or "useful" still applies. There's a frustrating need for white people to always frame the reaction of POC in terms of what makes white people comfortable or more amenable to the cause. Which isn't what those statements are about at all.

No one is saying "fuck white people" to help society. Or genuinely thinks that it's helpful in engaging with white people or converting more allies for the cause.

"Fuck white people" is an expression of frustration and anger at oppression and is a form of venting. Generally said among POC-only or occasionally mixed company. It's not about you so don't make it about you.

I usually hang around /r/asianfeminism which is pretty rad. I used to post in /r/asianamerican more but the domination of dude perspectives there kinda turned me off. That's why I appreciate female-centered places like trollx and then every once in a while I'm reminded that as a WOC I can't get too complacent anywhere.