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Topic: I Didn't Commit To This (Read 10904 times)

Last week, I was asked by “Gwyneth” if I could attend a showcase featuring her granddaughter, Kathy. Gwyneth is a lady I know and Kathy is her 15 year old granddaughter, whom I know as an extension of Gwyneth. Kathy is a wonderful singer as I have heard her on a few occasions.

I explained to Gwyneth that I was unable to attend the showcase as I had a retirement party to attend, but I wished Kathy well.

Fast forward to this week. Gwyneth stopped me and asked, “what happened to you, Kathy was looking for you at the showcase”. I reminded Gwyneth of the retirement party I was attending. She went on to say, “well she had four tickets that were bought and paid for and people didn’t show up, she was mad”.

I looked at her and said, well, I hope she did well. Gwyneth then said, “of course she did well, but $20 a ticket for no shows is a bit much”. I took that as my cue to depart from the conversation. Her parting words were, “Kathy is really mad”. I walked off.

I didn’t say anything else because I didn’t want it to seem I took any responsibility or was at fault. But the way the conversation went, I felt she either wanted me to apologize and/or offer money for an unused ticket. I didn’t commit to attending the showcase. Was this bad behavior?

I sure hope she didn't tell Kathy you were attending and then either get her hopes up you'd be there, or make it so another person couldn't attend. If she brings it up again, I would be pretty blunt. "Wait, I told you I had another commitment, but you got me a ticket anyway? Why would you do that? I wasn't a no-show, I never told you I was coming!"

You're fine. Since you don't really have a relationship with Kathy, and Gwyneth invited you only last week, I wonder if the 4 tickets were purchased before you were invited and you're a B-C-or D-list invitee after other people declined. Or each participant in the showcase was obligated to sell/buy a certain number of tickets and Kathy wasn't able to meet that goal. It seems really odd that Gwyneth or Kathy really expected you to be there since at the time of the invitation, Gwyneth never indicated that you'd be paying for your own ticket. If she really thought you had agreed, wouldn't she have said something about ticket price then?

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"A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools." — Douglas Adams

OP: "Gwynneth, do you remember when you first asked me if I was able to attend?"Gwynneth: "Of course."OP: "And what did I tell you at that time?"(If her response is anything other than acknowleding that you declined)OP: "No. I declined. I told you at that time that I would be unable to attend. You chose to buy an extra ticket. I told you that I would not be able to attend. There is no legitimate reason for you to be upset with me."

I play dumb with people like this, it's the easiest way to "avoid the crazy".

“well she had four tickets that were bought and paid for and people didn’t show up, she was mad”I bet she was! That was really rude of people to accept the invitation and stick her with the cost of the tickets.

"..$20 a ticket for no shows is a bit much” I agree. I hope she doesn't invite those same people again. Obviously they can't be counted on.

“Kathy is really mad”Poor girl, please tell her I said hello and I'm sorry I wasn't able to attend.

I'm not sure why you didn't say, "What? I told you I couldn't go. And Kathy sure never asked me directly whether she should get a ticket for me."

Feel free to defend yourself.

And no, you aren't in the least obligated, etc. ,etc.

This , I do think if she;s brings it up again you need to say some version of " Gwynne I think you might have confused me with someone else. I told you I want not able to attend the moment you asked me." oe what toots said.

I wouldn't be coy or subtle she either made a mistake or didn't listen or just wants to guilt you for these tickets.

You have no obligations toward Gwyneth or Kathy since you declined from the start.

Did she mention that tickets were $20 per person when she invited you? If not, the same probably happened to other people, who had accepted but once they learned the price, were not willing or able to spend the money. Hence, the no-show / retractions of the invite.

If you invite me somewhere and spring the price at the last minute, I'm bowing out. Some things need to be planned, otherwise I can budget for them. I'm pretty sure that goes for a lot of people.

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"It's not the years in your life that count, it's the life in your years." - Office coffee cup.

I'm not sure why you didn't say, "What? I told you I couldn't go. And Kathy sure never asked me directly whether she should get a ticket for me."

Feel free to defend yourself.

And no, you aren't in the least obligated, etc. ,etc.

This , I do think if she;s brings it up again you need to say some version of " Gwynne I think you might have confused me with someone else. I told you I want not able to attend the moment you asked me." oe what toots said.

I wouldn't be coy or subtle she either made a mistake or didn't listen or just wants to guilt you for these tickets.

I concur. "I don't know why you or Kathy would be upset with me. I told you when you first asked there was no way I could attend as I had a prior commitment. I can only imagine that you must have me confused with someone else."

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What part of v_e = \sqrt{\frac{2GM}{r}} don't you understand? It's only rocket science!

"The problem with re-examining your brilliant ideas is that more often than not, you discover they are the intellectual equivalent of saying, 'Hold my beer and watch this!'" - Cindy Couture

I'm not sure why you didn't say, "What? I told you I couldn't go. And Kathy sure never asked me directly whether she should get a ticket for me."

Feel free to defend yourself.

And no, you aren't in the least obligated, etc. ,etc.

This.

I don't think your reaction was wrong, OP, and certainly not rude. But it's also ok to clarify when someone goes off her rails and blames you for something clearly not your fault.

If nothing else, you could pose it as a question and ask if she misunderstood what you told her when you declined the invite. All I know is I wouldn't have remained silent, simply because this kind of behavior is really offputting.

Is this an isolated incident of "strangeness" by Gwyneth, or has there been more than just this one case?

The reason I am asking is that I had a close relative who suffered from Alzheimer's. As her memory was failing, she would start forgetting things people had told her, just like Gwyneth seemed to have forgotten that you had already told her that you could not attend.

If this is part of a pattern, it is possible that Gwyneth is in the early stages of dementia.

I'm not sure why you didn't say, "What? I told you I couldn't go. And Kathy sure never asked me directly whether she should get a ticket for me."

Feel free to defend yourself.

And no, you aren't in the least obligated, etc. ,etc.

This , I do think if she;s brings it up again you need to say some version of " Gwynne I think you might have confused me with someone else. I told you I want not able to attend the moment you asked me." oe what toots said.

I wouldn't be coy or subtle she either made a mistake or didn't listen or just wants to guilt you for these tickets.

POD. If she did make a mistake, or even if this is isolated behavior, this gives her a graceful way out while still making it clear that you never said you would attend.