Cell-phone drivers are driving him up a wall

The Times-Picayune ArchiveA proposed new law by La. Rep. Austin Badon would make this illegal.

In the movie "Repo Man," the winsome philosopher named Miller proclaims: "The more you drive, the less intelligent you become."

Unlike most modern philosophical tenets, this one is not subject to debate or interpretation. It is an absolute. Therefore, anyone who has lived in New Orleans for any appreciable period of time has certainly witnessed the decimation of our collective intelligence.

"Repo Man" came out in 1984. It was so long ago that Kenny Stabler was still on the Saints, you could smoke on airplanes and Music Television actually had music on it.

Hard to imagine.

And there were no cell phones. Which brings us back to the stupider you become when you drive. Miller never encountered a harried soccer mom in a Land Rover negotiating a parking spot off Magazine Street outside of Whole Foods while talking on the phone to her sister-in-law who just got laid off of her job.

Talking on the phone while driving is dumb, plain and simple. Humanity managed to survive without doing so for three-quarters of a century. Somehow the species not only survived (polio was cured, drinking water was fluoridated, organ transplants were perfected, etc.) but even thrived (Chuck Taylors, Cap'n Crunch, Farrah Fawcett, etc.)

Of the last 100 stress-inducing incidents I have been subjected to by other motorists, 99 of them have involved a driver on the phone. And worse: 98 of them were paying so little attention to the road -- and to me -- that they drove on unencumbered by their own moronity, unaware of what a menace to society they are, thereby compounding my agitation sevenfold.

The only thing worse than a moron is a moron who doesn't know he is one.

By the way, I don't think "moronity" is a real word. But you get the picture.

And let's be fair and honest: In 99 of the last 100 times in which I have blithely strayed into oncoming traffic while behind the wheel, I was also on the phone. Or watching TV, listening to my iPod, reading the newspaper, eating a Big Mac, taking notes for a story or clipping my toenails.

Or all of the above.

Don't try this at home.

The point being: Folks simply aren't paying attention on the road anymore. How many times have you seen someone stop at an intersection where there is no Stop sign, only to see that they are on the phone and puzzled, confused and catatonic, as if they were strangers in a foreign land rather than, say, at the intersection of Royal and Marigny?

Or that they are gabbing away while they're trying to find an address and they slow down to 3 m.p.h. as if physical inertia will somehow bring them clarity and focus rather than, say, hanging up the phone and ending the conversation in which they are telling their spouse that they cannot find the address -- that they must be on the wrong block or on the wrong street or maybe they wrote the address down wrong -- when, in fact, what they are is on the phone. Getting stupider by every minute they purchase from Verizon.

The testimonials are dizzying. And so are the streets. And maybe one day, they will be safe again, if Austin Badon has his way. And I have mine.