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I always want to start my blogs with “Hello.” I think from now on, it’d be more appropriate to start my blogs with “Welcome back.”

“Welcome back.” Wow, that does sound better.

“Welcome back.”

“Welcome back.”

As the wisest of wise men, I often get questions from lost and terrified readers. They are lost–they are terrified. I’m here, though. Today’s blog is a mail bag. Eat this, internet.

I hear that you are the know it all to every question to man. Well sir, I must know, what is the origin of name for the beloved chocolate candies, M&Ms? -Ben, Denton TX

Well, Ben. I gotta say I love M&M’s, and I’m assuming you love them too. One of the “M’s” was for Forrest E. Mars Sr., creator of the M&M. The other M was for Bruce Murrie, son of then Hershey president William F.R. Murrie.

What? You wanted a joke? I don’t joke about M&M’s. I also don’t joke about dogs, terminal illness, and water. Water just isn’t funny.

I was watching “That 70’s Show” last night and Bob gave Red a pair of shoes and Red stated that shoes are an inappropriate present between dude friends. What are some other examples of this phenomenon, which I dub “bromance gifts”? Dan, Plano TX

Oh, what a fine show. Yes, there are a few things a man should never give another man as a gift. Here’s a quick list:

1. Sex and the City DVD’s. (Really, these shouldn’t be given to anyone, man or woman.)

2. Erotic undergarments

3. A framed picture of yourself

4. Clothing of any type not affiliated with a sports team or favorite band

5. Syphillis

6. A hug

Are you calling me a coward? Jack, Sweetwater OK

Listen. No. But if I was, it’d be ok, because I’m never wrong. If I make a character judgment on a person, I’m right 100% of the time. Watch this:

Bad.

Good.

Bad.

Good.

Bad.

Misunderstood.

So, eat it. You are a coward, Jack from Sweetwater OK.

Hello Kyle. I have a friend here in my hometown of Denton, TX that keeps sending me notices every time he posts new material on his blog, and it’s getting incredibly irritating. How do I stop this?Paul, Denton TX

Paul, you get the fuck over it.

Kyle, for years now me and my wife have been having great sex. Recently, though, with economic stressors, tension in our marriage has risen and I’m afraid the fire has gone out. How can I please my wife sexually?

What music do you listen to while you make love? I’ve found that I like to listen to a lot of different types of music, depending on what kind of sex I want. If I want romantic sex, I’ll listen to something with a little more of a sultry tone.If I want passionate sex, I’ll listen to more aggressive music. If I want dirty sex, I’ll listen to something particularly naughty. Other than that, if I want generic, just above mediocre sex, I’ll listen to The Rolling Stones or Bob Dylan, you know, shit. [Editor’s Note: Kyle doesn’t really have sex, he “Kyles.” So next time you’re swapping manly stories with your friends, just say “I was Kyle-ing this chick last night” or, “I was givin’ her the Kyle driver.”]

Hey Kyle, remember that one time you and I got to level 26 on Nazi Zombies? That was awesome. Sam, Denton TX

Yes. It was. I’m not even going to make a joke about that because I also don’t make jokes about art.

This economy is really worrying me. I just don’t know what to do. I’m scared about my future and the future of my family. What advice can you give a provider when faced with such unsure times?

Chris, Fort Worth TX

Chris, my first advice to you is to not quit your job. Also, don’t get fired from your job. If you’re laid off, simply shake your head no, hand your pink slip back, and continue working as if nothing has happened. Your superiors will either be too confused or afraid to kick you out. How many people do you know that refuse to be laid off. None. You will from that point on receive your payment in cash, directly from your boss’s terrified wallet.