Thursday, February 25, 2010

Sorry, I have to make this short and sweet. My sister is getting married on SATURDAY! Oh my heavens - how exciting! But i'm feeling really overwhelmed right now - I have been working like a crazy woman all week and then every night I have been driving all over town buying stuff for the wedding. Plus I had to edit a entire photo shoot this week - so that took me a additional 8+ hours..thankfully I just finished so now I need to get the disc in the mail. I'm taking tomorrow off to help decorate the reception hall, then tomorrow night is the rehearsal. I'm so excited to have family in town that I have not seen in a while!!! Ill post pictures of the fun next week - being a Maid of Honor is hard work :)

I also wanted to say thank you to everyone who read my blog on divorce (below) and a extra special thanks to all of you who left me such sweet, encouraging comments. I went to everyone one of your blogs and really enjoyed reading them and some of them were so inspiring to me - so thank you!

Ok - back to work I must go - I have some reports to finish and then I need to go pick up Alexx's tux!

Friday, February 19, 2010

Today I am linking in with Kelly from Kelly's Korner for her "Show Us Your Ministry" I really wasn't planning on doing this, but it is laying heavy on my heart to share my story. I don't really consider it a ministry at all, but just a big part of my life and if it can speak to one person then I have done my job :)

I had a great life growing up - I came from a wonderful family where spouses stay true to one another, grand parents celebrate 50 years of wedding bliss and by your late 20's you have at least one kid with more on the way. This is what I wanted and expected.

I got married when I was 21 - I had dated B for over 2 years and I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. A few months after we were married we found out we were expecting! We were shocked but so excited! Unfortunately, several weeks later, we had a miscarriage. Marriage was hard at first - especially financially, but we pulled through. Each year seemed to get better and better. Finally, in 2006, life was finally coming together (so I thought). We both had good jobs, making great money and things were really looking up. We decided to start trying for a baby, after months of trying I was faced with nothing but another miscarriage. We continued to try and nothing happened. I was dealing with such guilt of "what is wrong with me"?? God created woman to reproduce and I cant even do that one thing - the one thing that so many women seem to have no problem with. We decided to take a break and focus on something else. We bought our first home! I was so excited! It was amazing and the house was perfect. I would day dream about raising my kids there and how to decorate their rooms - I really believed that 2007 was going to be our year! We moved in Jan 2007 and almost immediately things started changing. B was becoming more and more distant. He was doing things he had never done before (like staying out really late on week nights) and his whole demeanor just changed. I had no idea what was going on. coming from a sheltered child hood, him having a affair did not even cross my mind. Finally by the end of March I knew something was not right, and i needed answers. I started hacking into his email and sneaking his phone to read text messages (something i had NEVER done before) and there it was right in front of me - emails from a friend of mine named S to my husband telling him how much she loves him and them talking about going apartment hunting together. I was in complete shock. I remember I just got up and left work and drove straight home and confronted him. He tried to defend himself, but couldn't...he knew he was caught and had messed up. He told me he loved me and me only, but wanted to separate. I agreed and asked him to go to marriage counseling. I was so angry and hurt by him, but I believed that you try everything you can before getting a divorce and I was willing to do that. During those two weeks of separation God showed me everything. I realized he had been spending tons of our money on this girl, that all the places and things he had said he was doing was not true - he was with her. It was a slap in the face. I knew deep in my heart that it was over, but I wanted to work it out so bad. I was ashamed and embarrassed - I never thought I would be one of "those people". I finally put it in Gods hands and told him that I couldn't do this anymore, that I was putting it all in his hands and that if we weren't supposed to be together then He had to do something to end it. It wasn't a week later Bcalled and said he did not want to work it out, he claimed he had ended it with S, but did not have it in him to work on our marriage. He wanted a divorce. I could not understand why. I had given this man everything and loved him unconditionally! That was when God reminded me of my prayer, he knew I couldn't end it, but he knew B could. I had to let go and move on. I filed for divorce and started on my painful journey. A few days after filing I found out that S was pregnant. Not only was I grieving over my divorce, but I instantly felt like he went and found someone who could give him a baby since I had failed so many times at it. It took almost a year for my divorce to go through. I had surrounded myself with my closest friends and family and just took one day at a time. I pretty much had to start from scratch. I kept the house, but 2007 was my worst year thus far.

Over the last 2 years I have dealt with so many emotions. At first, I was just hurt and embarrassed. I spent lots of time just sobbing to God. I was angry - B commits adultry and is now married to S and they have two kids - why is he getting the life I planned on?!? It has been a long road and to be honest it seemed like it kept getting harder and harder - my mind/heart went into defense mode right after everything happened and made me numb to certain feelings and as time progressed those compressed feelings came up and I had to deal with them. And to be 100% honest there are still days/moments where feelings arise and I have deal with them, but now I know how to deal with them. I now know that i'm much better off without him and I do not miss him at all. The worse thing that has come from my marriage is the trust issues I now struggle with. Before I trusted everyone, but now I constantly have to deal with that voice (satan) in the back of my head trying to steal my trust and joy!

I did attend a "Divorce Care" class and it really helped. I would encourage anyone going through this to go to one of these immediately. It is a place of people who are going through the same thing and no one judges. It also opened my eyes to so many different ways of seeing things, and how to completely forgive the man who had (at one time) ruined me. I also did some personal counseling and just spent alot of time just focusing on me.

I can now tell you that I have rediscovered me. I am now so much happier and full of life. I have a wonderful boyfriend who makes me so happy. I still long to have a baby - that is my hurt right now, but I am trusting God once again to give the desires of my heart in His timing. =0)

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

I am FINALLY back! I had a horrible virus on my computer and after days and days of running so many different programs - it has been healed! I never knew how much I depended on my computer until this last week - it has been rough people and im so behind on my work (so i really shouldn't be on here)ha! I must tell you though I witnessed something last week that I have NEVER witnessed in the state of Texas - we had TONS of snow! I mean we had enough to make numerous snowmen, make snow ice cream and even have snow angels! It was amazing. I left work early Thursday because the roads were starting to get bad, but I had to stop and take a few pictures so here ya go:

So many people lost power during the storm - thank you Jesus - i was not one of them! But Chelsea and Mike sure did - so they made their way over on Friday and spent the day with us. I was thrilled cause Alexx was not one to want to spend very long outside building snowmen, but Mike and Chelsea were! Oh Boy! So the neighbor kids built these giant snowmen - the biggest one is almost 10 feet tall.

Well, we decide we want to build one bigger (immature i know!) so we were out there for over a hour and this was the best we could do -So pathetic! haha How those kids made such a big one is beyond me - I guess that's what we get for trying to outdo some elementary kids. But we had fun and doesn't our snowman look like a drag queen?!? haha

I also built this one on my own - isn't he precious?

I am sad to see the snow go - there are little patches here and there, but for the most part it has all melted. I loved every second of it - I even played Christmas music!

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Ok so there are certain words that just gross me out - I was thinking about this today as I was having a phone conversation with a man named Dick Bigelow - you are lying if can honestly say that hearing his name doesnt put your mind just a little in the gutter. What makes it even funnier is he is a cars salesman - isnt that perfect!?!? ha So here is my scribbled list of gross me out words...

Monday, February 1, 2010

What a weekend! I literally flew by and I am exhausted. Saturday night was Chelsea's Bachelorette party! We had a nice time - always lots of laughs when 15 girls are together :) It seriously blows me away that my little sister is getting married! Even more so, that the youngest kid in the family will be the only one married. I can promise you Derek nor I ever saw that coming ha

I also realized this weekend that I am getting effin OLD. Some of the girls that were there were ones I use to babysit and the fact that Sunday morning when I got up my feet hurt so bad from dancing the night before.

Its a typical Monday - lots to do and no energy - so im gonna cut this short - but here are just a few pictures from Saturday night!