Case Number 22409: Small Claims Court

Salon Massage

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All Rise...

Judge Bill Gibron is now fully prepared to open his own pleasure palace.

The Charge

The Ins and Outs of Erotic Massage, Early '70s Style

The Case

After spending one of the most memorable nights of his life with a
professional masseuse named Sonia (Elisabeth Volkmann, Red Heat), a reporter (Felix Franchy,
Der Kommissar) returns to Munich with one goal—find this woman and
discover/re-experience her many sensual secrets. Somehow, he convinces his
editor to let him travel to all the massage parlors in town in hopes of locating
her. What our hero doesn't know is that Sonia is now working for salon magnate
Maurice (Lukas Ammann) and is really not interested in monogamy. In fact, she
has a standing invitation to come to Paris and show the French a thing or two
about the "hands on" approach. As our hero moves from place to place,
he runs into a blousy mother and her naïve daughter, an Asian hottie who
has horrible memories from her past, and sundry variations on the same theme.
When he finally finds Sonia, their relationship appears destined to fail.
Naturally, a massive orgy solves all problems.

Let's get one thing straight right up front—Salon Massage is
one talky bit of carnality. Talky…talky…TALKY!!! While men are
groping women and the ladies are lounging around their gentlemen's generous
pubic hair, we hear nothing but chatter. Chatter…chatter…CHATTER.
It's like phone sex without the phone…or the sex. Indeed, the most
arousing aspect of this entire movie is its relatively short (85 minutes) run
time. Otherwise, we get carefully controlled snapshots of smut that wouldn't
look out of place in the latest Abercrombie and Fitch catalog. Yes, there are
some unfortunate full frontal moments—the Me Decade redefining the notion
of (and need for) intense personal grooming—while the bedroom follies are
on the decidedly dull side. Since faux fornication is not really an
option—this is a movie about MASSAGE, after all—we are stuck
with faked fellatio and far too many scenes of men/women manipulating each
other's lower bellies.

Indeed, if insinuation was an art form, German softcore expert Eberhard
Schroeder would be Picasso. This is one filmmaker who can sure allude to
possible perversion. As his characters rattle off facts and figures about the
fine art of folding flesh, he gives us lots of blurry visions of possible
pleasures. All the women here are pre-plastic surgery selections, none of them
offering the kind of fake rubber regression of today's ballooned bimbos. Indeed,
one of the most intriguing aspects of this film is how odd some of these
supposed sexpots are. Make no mistake, however: the men are no better. All of
them are clearly seeking product placement for the next "Dry Look" ad
campaign and wear fashions that would make Lady Gaga weep. In addition, their
body types could best be described as "in desperate need of a
sandwich" while their acting is—well, it's no worse than the lax
ladies we have to deal with.

Indeed, all Salon Massage tries to be is a men's magazine with
motion. There's no real sense of purpose other than implication and sexual
simulation—and there's very little of that. In fact, all you will really
get out of this near hour and a half experience is a primer on using your palms
to please your partner. Gentle pressure, rounded motions, and focused fumbling
are key, as is lots of soft focus fluff. When viewed in today's XXX saturated
world, a place where adult actors strive to be machines, not real men and women,
this all looks rather silly. But there's an underlying sense of innocence and
passion that plays right into a certain male mindset—say the brain circa
the 10th grader? Something like Salon Massage becomes perfect Skinemax
fodder if for no other reason than its non-threatening, teen boy tenets. If you
can get past the constant yakking, you might actually enjoy it.

As for the technical aspects of this release, Mya Communications has some
explaining to do. The image here is awful, like a recently unearthed copy from a
dingy basement that was basically thrown into the optical printer and then
tossed on DVD. There are scratches, dirt, and other issues ever-present. While
the cover art offers an explanation about the aspect ratio, let's make something
clear: 1.66:1 is barely 16/9, and the end result here is more full screen than
wide. Indeed, any HD set-up will find the film occupying much of the
middle—and little else. The Dolby Digital Mono is okay, if nothing
spectacular. The Italian language dub is clearly substituting for some
other-language-speaking cast members, and the rough ADR can be annoying. As for
added content, there is none.

Unless you include lectures as a necessary part of your Euro-trash lewdness,
skip Salon Massage. It's not a bad film for those in need of instruction
in the art of the rubdown. For others, it will offer little to
rub…out?