Open Letter

Dear Nancy Grace,

June 2007

Scary news: Do you realize that in the time it takes you to read this sentence, three blond-haired, blue-eyed boys will be kidnapped by panty-hose-wearing pedophiles released from prison because of legal mistakes made by idiotic liberal judges?

Just kidding, Nancy! Lighten up a bit, sister girlfriend. Every time we watch your show, we think the whole world's going to hell. We know it's not all apples and cinnamon out there —just ask the folks who live in Baghdad, New Orleans, and next door to Ron Artest —but you make the world sound like a pretty terrifying place. Psycho killers. Sexual predators. Terrorists. Mitch Albom.

You know what's really terrifying, Nancy? Bill Maher in a hotel bathrobe after four fingers of scotch. Marty Schottenheimer calling plays in the fourth quarter. Ralph Nader for president. Those are the things you need to be frightened of, not a death-row escapee hiding under your Cutlass Ciera.

And we haven't even gotten to your coverage of Anna Nicole. Look, we had sympathy for her, we really did. She lived a sad life. But did you really need to treat the death of a TrimSpa spokesmodel like the JFK assassination? You're working for CNN, Nancy. Leave the tawdry gossip where it belongs —Entertainment Tonight, Access Hollywood, Inside Edition, Dateline NBC, 20/20, Extra, Anderson Cooper 360?, Hannity & Colmes, Fox & Friends, America's Next Top Model, Charlie Rose, and The NewsHour with Jim Lehrer.

So we've come up with a list of ways you can improve your show. When you get through tracking that serial hamster rapist, take a look.

1. Stop being so shrill. Nancy, we know you're angry about the judicial system, but you tend to scold and hector your audience like we're all sitting in detention. Try to mellow out a bit. Take deep breaths. Visualize things that make you happy: Scott Peterson writhing in an electric chair. O. J. Simpson poked by a lethal injection. Larry King getting struck by a crosstown bus, and you getting his time slot.

2. Get some classier guests. Sometimes it seems like the folks you talk to are a Who's Who of D-list ambulance chasers with bad teeth. Maybe it's time to bring on some credible legal scholars and raise the tenor of your show. Let's talk judicial restraint with Ruth Bader Ginsburg. Or constitutional law with Laurence Tribe. Hell, let's talk about tequila booty shots with Sir Mix-A-Lot. Even that would be an improvement.

3. Try to remember the whole "innocent until proven guilty" thing. We didn't go to law school, but it actually turns out to be kind of important.

4. Fix the hair. Hmmm, how do we put this politely? Your hair, it needs to look a little, um, less like a Lhasa Apso with electrodes strapped to its genitals. There, that's pretty polite.

5. Do something about that Glenn Beck guy. Where did Headline News find him? Did he win a contest? He seems to have walked onto the set from the hot-dog stand at a Home Depot. When he talks foreign affairs, it's like watching a drunken kangaroo try to roller-skate.

Good luck, Nancy. And don't feel like you have to do all this for us. Do it for JonBenet.

Sincerely,

GQ

P.S. Seriously, that Glenn Beck: Does he have naked photos of Anderson Cooper or something?