My Blog

Please join me on a journey from grief to surrender, from fear to empowerment, from uncertainty to.... uncertainty. "When you become comfortable with uncertainty, infinite possibilities open up in your life." ​~Eckhart Tolle

It's happening. January will be our last month in the Bay Area. If this comes as a surprise to you, it also comes as a surprise to me. But sometimes life just happens like that...

Some of you know that I purchased a new construction condo in Denver that closed in November. You may also know that I've been deliberating a move to Colorado on and off for the past 2.5 years where the other half of my family resides, and each time have determined that my attachment to California -- to my friends, my community, my family, the climate, the air, the landscape, the comfort, the familiarity, the ties -- were too strong to break. ​

And yet I bought this condo with the money George had saved, thinking that it would be a good investment. Denver is growing and prices are just within reach, while owning real estate in the Bay Area has become a distant fantasy. The only situation I can afford anymore is to rent a cottage on my sister’s property which, albeit a brand new cozy and well-appointed place, has me pulling out the sofa bed each night while Nova rightfully claims the only bedroom. I refuse to complain about having a nice, safe, warm place to rest my head each night, but it’s been nine months on that sofa couch, and it’s starting to affect my self esteem. I want a big girl bed.

But how badly do I want it? Given Denver’s booming market, I was looking at making upwards of $800/month in rental income. Add that to the difference between the mortgage and my current rent, and staying in California would put $1500 into my pocket each month. This is substantial. Particularly for a stay-at-home single mom who is trying to rebuild her life. Particularly for a woman with Chinese-born parents who has been taught to value financial security above all else. It was a test of confidence, and a test of faith, in the scariest thing of all -- myself.

It was fear against self worth. Not knowing against believing. I had to lay very still, in the dark quiet night next to my sleeping daughter, and feel into my body for the truth. I had to feel into the knowledge that I am worth the investment that moving to Denver will require. That I will succeed in building a new life for us. That the money I spend today will be returned to me tomorrow, because I am going to do great things. I had to be brave, and I had to find conviction. ​I am ready for a new beginning, and there is no need to wait. My new home is waiting for me. What an incredible gift.

Leaving the Bay Area after spending my entire adult life here feels like the end of an era. I arrived in 1999, a wide-eyed frightened and uncertain young woman who looked to the world for validation and acceptance, and became the kind of woman who left her broken marriage and her career at Google to travel the world and pursue the study of Chinese Medicine, a woman who fell deeply in love and survived the death of her spouse and leads her daughter in love and joy, and says goodbye to the only home she knows in order to begin again. It has been a beautiful, painful, magical, exhilarating, heart-breaking and heart-expanding journey. I owe a lot to California. No doubt, a piece of my heart will always belong here. But the journey continues, and the road stretches on.

I will miss you, Bay Area. I will miss you, friends. But I know our relationships will remain as strong and connected as ever. Thank you for all you are and all you have done to support me through these years. I am, because you are.