On Tuesday, France’s superluxury Hermés opened a shop for gents here. Men’s Wearhouse it isn’t. You shouldn’t think Joseph A. Bank. And forget American Eagle Outfitters. Custom suits can run, give or take a few bucks, $70,000. And we are not talking two pair of pants.

Madison Avenue, in the 60s, face-to-face directly across from its already existing corner location, which specially caters to ladies, is this four-story brownstone renovation. It’s a rental. Took nine months. Rich woods, stone stairs, sliding glass panels, all lush, plush. Cost more than Marie Antoinette blew on Versailles.

“It’s our new concept,” said managing director Federico Sandino. So, is there something like it in Paris? “No.” Anywhere else? “No.” Will other Hermés men’s stores sprout elsewhere in the world? “No.” Not even in maybe Dubai or Tokyo or even Beverly Hills, Aspen, Palm Beach or Newark? “No.”

He explained: “No other city but today’s fashion crossroads, New York, the capital of the world, could such a shop be. These outfits are ‘egoiste.’ Selfish. This can be only in New York.” (He did not add the word “kids.”)

Nice little doodads they got. Like on the street floor, a rouge-colored buttery leather sack. For condoms. It holds three. The Tiger Woods economy size might be on the luggage floor. Anyway, it’s $460 or roughly $155 per shot. Nice for Valentine’s Day. Also, for the man who has everything, a hand-stitched baseball glove — $8,500. In my best polite manner I inquired, “Who the hell buys that?” and was told: “A die-hard Hermés player.”

Sandino donned white gloves to touch a small crystal desk clock, 175 grams of white gold with rubies — $465,000. Tax and batteries not included. “The cost is because it has a complicated movement,” he said. I said, “Honey, for this money that movement should come with a buttery leather five-condom packet.”

Floor 2 featured a showy $30,000 orange crocodile briefcase. “Not showy for a New York man,” you’re told. Also sweet were crocodile jackets. “The king of Morocco has two. One black, one brown. It takes eight animals to make one.” OK, how much? “$148,000.”

As I noted this with my 50-cent Bic pen, Monsieur Simon Xavier Guerrand-Hermés himself, chairman of the board, said: “Who cares what it costs? You don’t come here for a bargain.”

But not everything is insanely expensive. For instance, savvy shoppers with an eye for decent prices could snap up a vicuna coat for only $50,000.

“This is an experiment,” said Xavier Hermés. “An evolution. It will take two years to see if it works.” Right.

VALENTINE’S Day sweets: Tyra Banks: “Being single this day doesn’t suck at all. At least you don’t have to eat junky candies some guy gives you and pretend you like them.”

Alicia Silverstone: “A box of fine European chocolates is better than sex.”

Britney Spears: “Chocolate is as good as sex. To me it’s like an orgasm.”

Sandra Bullock: “Chocolate’s the greatest gift to women ever created, next to men. Chocolate chip ice cream is like cocaine.”

VALENTINE’S Day pickup styles: Per George Hamilton‘s son Ashley: “Seeing a hot chick, my father would make me go over and say I was lost and looking for my dad. I did that at age 6, also 7, 8, 9, 10, up to 21.”

Hugh Grant, after his first hit came out, walked back and forth in front of his neighborhood movie house trying to pick up girls who came out of the theater and might recognize him.

Ethan Hawke: “To entertain chicks at 16, I memorized the first 20 pages of ‘The Catcher in the Rye.’ I stopped at 20 pages because I had no more space in my head.”

The Bee Gees’ Barry Gibb schlepped a pocketful of engagement rings around. His standard line was, he’d fallen in love on sight and wanted to marry this girl he hardly knew.

And Tara Reid? “Twenty times, like an idiot, I’d walk by a guy and give him a look. Keep walking until he noticed me.”

ON the morning radio traffic report: “When the Marine Park Bridge is open, all traffic has to stop.” (Like we had a choice?)