"For I know the plans I have for you', declares the Lord..." Jeremiah 29:11

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Fabulous Fall...

It may still be almost 90° here in Central Florida, but I can smell fall in the air. My favorite time of year. Cooler weather, football, being able to open the windows, apple pie and pumpkin everything! Our dogs even get more frisky. It's clearly their most favorite time of year too.

I am a little behind on my updates and for that, I apologize. Although, there hasn't been a great deal to report. I had my cycle day 10 ultrasound and blood work on Saturday. As anticipated, this is a right ovary month, so we sit this one out. One of the other doctor's nurses did my ultrasound. She had skimmed over my chart prior to me entering the exam room and I found it quite interesting that the first question out of her mouth was 'why is it that you are only taking 1/2 a tablet of clomid? I've never heard of anyone taking that small of a dose.'. I think she could sense my frustration, because after I told her I wasn't exactly sure but I feel Dr. D is a bit more conservative with his treatment than other doctors, she said "that can be extremely frustrating from a patient perspective." (um... heck yeah it is!!) She then suggested I schedule a follow up before I left the office, which was my plan and is what I did. My follow-up appointment is set for October 5th. That should be right before my next cycle starts so I am very happy with that day and I am hopeful I will feel a restored confidence in this entire process.

Aside from the ultrasound identifying this as a right ovary month, it also indicated that, as anticipated, the clomid did nothing. I had one follicle on the right measuring 14mm and one on the left that wasn't even worth measuring. Nothing more, not even a bunch of little guys. The ever-so-understanding nurse told me she would note in my chart that we had a conversation about the clomid and the low dosage and that I am 100% on board with upping the dosage or using an alternative follicular stimulator. Yes PLEASE, and thank you!

In case you're unable to sense it through my writing, I am feeling pretty beat up and emotionally drained about this entire process. My mind goes to places I wish it wouldn't; like, what if this NEVER happens. What if I never experience what it feels like to have a life growing inside of me? What if we never have a little boy to watch play pop-warner football on Saturday mornings, or a little girl to pass my first pair of ballet slippers on to? What did I/we do to deserve this? Who will take care of us when we're old? As each month passes, I can't help but do the math: I will be 36 when the baby is born (should any of this actually work anytime in the next few months) which would make me 54 when he/she graduates high school, 58 when he/she graduates college (provided they finish in 4 years) and if they decide to wait as long as we did or have a similar experience, I could be 80 before I have grandchildren. By that time, they probably won't want kids because they'll be taking care of us! I know there is nothing I can do about any of this and I shouldn't waste my thoughts on this nonsense but if I am committed to being completely honest and open, this is it and it's not pretty. In fact, it sucks and it doesn't make any sense and it scares the heck out of me. I wouldn't wish any of this on anyone.

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will, When the road you're trudging seems all uphill,When the funds are low and the debts are high,And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,When care is pressing you down a bit, Rest, if you must, but don't you quit.Life is queer with its twists and turns,As every one of us sometimes learns,And many a failure turns about,When he might have won had he stuck it out;Don't give up though the pace seems slow-- You may succeed with another blow. Often the goal is nearer than, It seems to a faint and faltering man,Often the struggler has given up,When he might have captured the victor's cup,And he learned too late when the night slipped down,How close he was to the golden crown. Success is failure turned inside out--The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,And you never can tell how close you are,It may be near when it seems so far,So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit--It's when things seem worst that you must not quit. - Author unknown

First of all, I will take care of you when you are old. We will both be senile and drinking an absurd amount of wine daily- and it won't matter cause we'll be old! Secondly, Dot had me at 36 and that's worked out quite well :) i love you.