Saturday, 31 October 2009

There has always been a question whether God's obedient people should observe Halloween or not. Now that my children are grown, I don't observe it. I'm not a big fan of evil scary stuff or scary movies; but when my kids were growing up, it seemed cruel to make them stay home doing nothing when everyone else was getting candy, so I set some rules. No evil or scary costumes or decorations or movies, and we go with them from door to door, and when they were too big to go door to door, they could have a small party if the friends also didn't have evil costumes and there were no evil decorations, only cute Halloween/fall stuff. We had quite a bit of fun doing it that way.

I hoped so much that my husband would be here tonight, able to see the adorable children in their costumes at the door, asking for candy. I get angry at the government for every occasion and special day that I miss without him. It's almost a mourning feeling as if he has been taken away from me. I was promised by the government in the Spring of this year that he would be home before our wedding anniversary which comes in 2 weeks. 4 years. I am now not even sure if he will be here for Christmas. I am drained, always being on the edge of my seat waiting for notification of when my life with him will begin.

I called my lawyer and every government agency I could think of this week, trying to find out where to begin to find someone in the Canadian Embassy, who will search for his paperwork to see if it's lost or what the delay was, since we have passed three dates that we were promised he would be here.

I know that for years I have been being taught that all delays have a purpose, but still I am impatient.

I had 3 boxes of files that I brought home to sort through, and yesterday was like a living nightmare while I was still awake. I was reliving every crisis I had ever gone through while living in the USA. Loss of my husband, home, kids, papers from car accidents, letters insulting me from doctors, medical records, bankruptcy, refusal letter from disability, notes from my daughter's various traumas, disagreement with my bishop, daughter's suicide attempt, her divorce, all the important documents I had to keep for future reference. Well I have no use for those papers now, thank goodness, so they are trashed and I never have to look at them again. I was so exhausted after that, I think I slept for 4 hours before I could get up and get Mom something to eat.

The wind is 100 kilometers per hour yesterday and today...not great for little children with costumes!! Wind also causes positive ions to mess with people's moods, so in areas where there is a lot of wind, you find a lot of alcoholism. Maybe the wind intensified the emotions I felt from that file.

I still have a whole box of files to go through. Pictures of my ex's family, my ex, papers he might want/need, records from my children's education and life that I need to send to them, and I miss them so much, I have only them once since I left USA 11 years ago, so each file is full of tears for me.

Even though I almost live in bed, my life is never boring!

OK...now some GOOD news...GOD DOES PROVIDE! I got an unexpected check in the mail from the government. They said they owed me some money, it was almost $200, so that helped a lot.I found out that every time I use my debit card, I was collecting points that I could trade in for things in a gift book that they offer. I have been collecting points for 10 years, so I now have enough points to pay for either the hotel room for a week for the honeymoon, or for part of hubby's flight here! That has replaced the honeymoon savings I lost during the move!!So I know God is watching out for me/us and providing for us.

Despite the stress, there are many blessings to count. Or as my favorite reading states,

"With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.

Be cheerful. Strive to be happy."

Here is the whole reading.

~~DESIDERATA~~

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste,

and remember what peace there may be in silence.As far as possible, without surrender,

be on good terms with all persons.

Speak your truth quietly and clearly;

and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant;

they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons; they are vexatious to the spirit.If you compare yourself with others,

you may become vain or bitter,

for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;

it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.Exercise caution in your business affairs,

for the world is full of trickery.

But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;

many persons strive for high ideals,

and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.

Especially do not feign affection.

Neither be cynical about love,

for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,

it is as perennial as the grass.Take kindly the counsel of the years,

gracefully surrendering the things of youth.

Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.

But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.

Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe.

No less than the trees and the stars;

you have a right to be here.

And whether or not it is clear to you,

no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.Therefore be at peace with God,

whatever you conceive Him to be.

And whatever your labors and aspirations,

in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul.With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,

I KNOW your prayers are working. I can feel it when I know I am being prayed for. After 4 hours of heavy lifting and sorting (which was so emotional and stressful that it made the pain worse) for 2 days in a row, I was laid out flat for 3 days, then ready to go again. From experience, I know that exhaustion of that type takes me a couple of weeks to recover from.

After the work, I was having such a hard time breathing, and so much pain, and dripping wet with sweat even though it is snowy here, I considered going to the E.R. but was too tired to even deal with their questions and procedures so decided to just go home and get on my oxygen and get my pain meds and go to bed. When I got in the car, the battery was dead. I am thankful for cell phones just for those moments. I am thankful we have a membership to CAA, the Canadian Auto Association, which helps you in times like that, so I called them and a tow truck was sent to give me a jump start. The moment the truck drove off, my car died again, but this time the phone was almost dead, and I didn't have the strength to walk to a place that had a phone, so I just cried in exhaustion and prayed that the phone could work long enough to get help again. I opened the phone, and it DID work long enough to get the tow truck back. Hey! When I broke my toe 10 days ago or whenever it was, I could have used a TOE truck! HAHAHA!!

He gave me another jump start, and I prayed I'd get home without it stopping again. I did. Then my brother took the battery in to see if it could be recharged, and the meter showed it was so completely dead, it should not have been able to be jump started. It should not have gotten me home! Little blessings/miracles rain from heaven.

"In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths. "

Proverbs 3:6

I went to move again yesterday, but since there was only 1 lady helping, I had to do much more lifting, carrying, etc. so I only lasted 1.5 hours, and had to come home and get my oxygen before I could help unload the truck. I haven't been to sleep yet, 24 hours later, due to pain, but I'm sure I will be ok tomorrow and ready to take care of the last load.

I am glad it's done, because every month for 10 years I wanted that sorted and cleaned, but with no help, and with debilitating illness, nothing gets done except the bare necessities for survival for each day, so it got postponed, especially since 8 months here are winter, and too cold to sit there and sort and walk through the mud to move things to a truck. I am just sad that I had to get rid of much more than I thought. I have lost things before due to theft and flood and fire, and this feels the same, but I am thankful for all I was able to keep as well. Its really frustrating that I have to pay so much for a place to keep the things that don't fit into my bedroom. Maybe someday soon we can buy a home with a garage or lots of storage space in it. Then we won't deal with any landlords!

There are some people who read my blog who asked me to share more about what living with lupus/fibromyalgia and more, is really like each day...it's hard for me to list my symptoms each day because to me it sounds like whining, but maybe this post will give those people an idea of how we can do something one day, but not another day, and if we do any activity, we pay for it dearly, and though we LOOK fine, we really are limited. It's a frustrating, invisible disease, and the disbelief of the people in our lives is often harder to deal with than the illness itself. It is a very private battle. The spouse soon has to help so much that you could say that lupus is also HIS disease, because it affects his every decision and action as much as the person who has it...but there are so many things you learn from illness, that if I had to give up what I've learned to be well, I wouldn't trade that. I am writing a post about all that can be gained from suffering. I will post it ASAP.

Monday, 19 October 2009

Well, here is a little bit of good news to lighten my load. 2 of my silly words that I made up and use often were chosen to be published in the new English Slang Dictionary! Here is the link to the story. http://tinyurl.com/ylzkab7 .

Sunday, 18 October 2009

Flat in bed with fever and bad pain for 2 days now. Moved and sorted for 4 hours Thursday, then no slep that night, then 4 hours on Friday in the cold. I also felt a cold or flu coming on but we have anti-viral medicine here in Canada, so I took those and it chased the cold/flu away. We didn't get finished. Now it's down to the hard part where there is almost no space left in the new place, and things that are very hard for me to lose are in the old place, but that's life. It just makes me angry that I paid rent every month for years to keep these things for my new marriage and to sell on ebay and things from my past, annd now I have to give them away anyway. It will make me think hard about wht things I should keep in the future, but some things I think I need to keep until I am SURE that my husband can come here. I sometimes wonder how strong can a man be? Will he just get tired of the cruel government making us wait so long and go find another wife and life? So until I know if I really have a life with him or not, there are things I will need in the future.

I'm dreading getting a lawyer to work out this mess about the landlord evicting me. He was supposed to give me 90 days notice. I don't want any more paperwork or anything to do with courts or lawyers or government, after all these years of fighting to get my husband home. It's so stressful that I won't have any strength left for my husband if I'm in the middle of a law suit. Half of me wants to just forget about this eviction and move on, but the other half thinks of how I have lost so many thousands of dollars in this move, including all my honeymoon money.

Oh well, the Lord will supply. He always has. Now I am asking for quick recovery so I can go back and finish the move.

Thursday, 15 October 2009

I KNOW the power of prayer. I have seen it do supernatural things, especially when many are praying. Therefore, I am asking for prayer. Today I start the multi-day task of sorting and moving out in sub-freezing weather. Would you mind praying that I stay as well as possible, and recover quickly so I will be well enough to prepare for hubby's homecoming? I am thankful for the days of blizzards that let my broken toe heal before I start this big job.

Saturday, 10 October 2009

Just aftering hitting "publish" on my earlier post, I was led to reply to a commenter and friend of mine, Lori Laws. In her latest post, I found a message that seemed as if it was the Lord speaking directly to me. The perfect message for the perfect moment. That happens a lot to me through my heaven-sent internet friends...and so I would like you to be blessed by it too, here:http://www.lorilaws.com/2009/10/really-nothing-compares.htmlWHAT A BLESSING to be strengthened and comforted by the Lord...usually through other people! And the song that is playing on my blog as I post this? "Raindrops keep falling on my head!" Wow, the Lord is SO good, so quick with His comfort, so generous with His strength!Thankyou Lori, and thank you Lord !Sheila

Warning: NOT a Pollyanna positive attitude right now! So if you dislike it when people are upset, and not well enough to think only good of the situation, don't continue reading. (Well, I guess it IS sort of positive to be able to see something positive about blizzards.) I am more positive when I am not so worn down physically. That makes you feel like you don't have strength for a normal day, much less crisises that arise.

I also have a big purple throbbing broken toe that I have to deal with...and that is funny, because it keeps my PERFECT record of breaking an ankle or a toe every time I have ever moved in my life, starting with my first move when I was 8 years old!

My stars! I tried to add a picture here, and the picture was added 15 times! I deleted them all and tried to add a different picture, got the same problem! Anyone else having that problem?

I never thought I'd be thankful for blizzards, but we are expecting blizzards today and tomorrow, then Monday is Thanksgiving here, so I don't have to worry about moving until Tuesday, when I'll start calling around again for a new storage unit and movers and help to sort.

I just realized I will have to get rid of everything I planned to sell on ebay, because the storage unit will be so expensive if I get a big enough unit, that I will pay more for storage than I would get from the ebay sales. This landlord has cost me so much money with this illogical and cruel decision to kick me out for fixing his door!

This landlord has cost me SO MUCH! Being robbed twice, the cost of fixing the door, the cost of paying women to help me sort, the cost of movers, the cost of the new storage unit, and now the potential income from the stuff I hoped to sell!

There goes all the money I needed to spend on going to pick up my husband at the airport when he finally gets here.

All because of his pride-filled temper tantrum of me fixing the door myself after him promising for 8 months to do it. I checked my rights, and I can't sue him for the stuff that was stolen. SO FRUSTRATING! You would think a landlord MUST provide a safe and secure property!!!

I feel like I am losing what very little I have left in this life, and forgive me for comparing myself to Job, but Job's suffering and loss only lasted 5 MONTHS! My suffering has been 30 years and my loss of my home, country, my 3 jobs, my ability to support myself, my first husband, all of his family which I loved like my own; had to leave my children in the USA when I moved to Canada, so I feel like I lost them; have not been able to get back to see them or my grandchildren, so I feel like I've lost my grandchildren, and all that loss started 10 years ago, and what little I brought with me has been robbed again and again so it gets less and less.

I know there's a reason for everything...eager to find out all the reasons from the Lord, which I am SURE He will disclose in time or in eternity. I'm not that attached to my stuff, it just seems to be a symbol of MORE loss, on top of losing my children, first husband/family and my grandchildren. Maybe God does plan to restore all things to me as he did to Job, when my new husband gets here, we will see. I know it will take time.

I thought I found 2 ladies to help move the stuff, I was willing to pay $20 an hour, but they can't help on the same day, so I'm not sure if that would work out. I don't have the strength to do it for more than 1 day. I'll think about it.

I know in a few days I will probably look back at this and be ashamed of myself. Satan likes to work on us hardest when we are already down. Maybe it's easier for him than to attack us when we feel stronger. This too shall pass. I'm just not handling it the best until it does pass. I know He will help me find an affordable place, and people to help, in HIS own time...I guess I just have too much on my plate right now, and this was the straw that broke the camel's back. Yes, I AM ashamed. It could be SO much worse. I do get low sometimes though.

Thank you for being my only friends. You go right to my heart. I am SO grateful for you, and for the Internet.

Thursday, 8 October 2009

You won't believe this, but since I wrote the last post 2 hours ago, we went from a calm day to a full snow blizzard!!! I called the landlord that I talk about in the previous post, and he agreed that nothing can be done in a blizzard, so I have a while to move my things! GOSH! When will I learn not to panic and to just be calm and trust that God has it all worked out before it even happens?

Tuesday was another weird day! First my keyboard died, and I was too sick to go out and get another one. Then I realized the doorknob I installed a few weeks ago did not close 100% tight enough to lock, and I am not good at repairs. It took me hours to put in that doorknob and fit it as well as it fit in the first place. Then about 4 other things went wrong all in a row, which would mean a LOT of hours to fix each one up. After I fixed 2 of the problems, I went into my computer room that I am moving around/clearing out for my husband, and found an old keyboard that will work just fine!

I got tools and started to repair the doorknob. I worked on the doorknob until I was so tired and frustrated I was ready to cry. I stopped and prayed, and said "Heavenly Father, Please show me how to do this because I don't know what else to do!" The idea came into my mind to use "carbon paper", you know the old stuff we used when we had typewriters instead of computers? I didn't even know where to get any! I had the image to use it to measure where the doorknob was hitting the other part of the door. Thank goodness Mom has so much stuff, and lots of OLD stuff, so she had some! It worked perfectly within seconds and I was able to move the screws to the right position.

How do people function without the guidance of the Lord and Holy Spirit? God listens to us and guides us, and is taking care of us. I wish I could get an answer that easily about the delay on hubby's delay, or I should say the delay of the cruel government offices!!!--- or about what would make me stronger! I did have a dream on Tuesday night about what to do to help, but I can't remember the dream, so I am praying to have it again or to remember it! I had a dream like this before I found the D-ribose. (Type Ribose in search box at top of blog to read more about it.)MORE good news, I can now take the D-ribose every day, without it flaring up my lupus! That's going to be a GREAT help! It has my daughter's fibromyalgia under control, and if I can get that one disease under control, it will be so much easier to deal with my other diseases!Something else weird! my mom and I BOTH dreamed about my ex husband on Tuesday night; and that we had no hard or hurt feelings or anything; and were getting along fine! I remember about 3 times she and I had the same dream the same night.I know they say life is a roller coaster, but when changes happen so dramatically within 2-3 hours, it's really shocking.LOVE, Sheila

PLEASE PRAY! I AM PANICKING! I wish I could sue Canada gov't for pain and suffering. They have kept my civilian husband (but working for gov't in the war zone) away for more years than should be legal...and it's been very cruel!

The man that owns my storage unit just called and told me that because I had the door repaired and then charged him for the cost of having it repaired, he wants me out of the storage unit TODAY or he will put a lock on there and I won't be able to get my stuff at all. Well that's stealing my stuff, so I have 5 hours to find a new place, get a police man to guard my storage shed so the landlord can't put a different lock on it, and find a mover to move everything to the new place, which will have to be less than half the space because prices have gone up so much, so I have to go there and start just throwing things away that I hoped to sell on ebay and get money from.

I need my husband here! I need his help, I need his emotional support and physical support to calm me down. I'M SO MAD!!!

I called the landlord back after a little while to give him time to calm down, and I told him I was doing him a favor, because no one else can use that storage shed either unless the door closes, and then he said "I might as well use it for my own stuff." I said "You can't even use it for your own stuff if the door doesn't close! I knew you were as sick as me and after 8 months of waiting, you didn't get anyone to fix it, so I thought I was doing you a favor! If you hired a man to do it, it would have cost a lot more than what I charged you!" So he said "Well, there is a brand new small fridge in there that you can have, but I want you out." I'd better go start moving. I could swear!!

So if I get really sick from today, I don't even know if I will get any decent care! I can't take my oxygen there with me, and I already feel like my heart's going to burst. LIFE GETS SO COMPLICATED WITHIN SECONDS!

I know it's not as bad as what most people are going through, but add that to everything else I'm going through, and it's too much for me alone. I don't have any local friends and I don't know where I will get money today for sorters and a storage place and for movers! I have a storage unit because I only have a bedroom to live in, so I go back and forth often to get items and take items like seasonal clothes and rarely used items and keepsake items...and with 2 people living here, we will need it even more, and I just found out it is 4x the cost for 1/4 amount of space. (I think that equals 8x the cost of what I pay now.)

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