Tuesday, December 07, 2004

Republic of Corruption

The Dirty Three

It is now less than a week until the Taiwanese Legislative Election. Taiwan newspapers are abuzz with rumors of who will claim the endorsement from the influential Big Ell’s Blog. It has been difficult for Big Ell to get a feel for the many candidates in Taichung County. Normally Big Ell would back any DPP candidate but with Chen Shui Bian’s gun shot wound causing him to go insane all bets are off. So Big Ell is weighing his options and may even endorse the murdering, stealing, vote buying KMT.

There are over 20 candidates for the many legislative seats in Taichung County. I don’t have time to explain how the electoral system is based. Just believe me when I tell you it is fucked up. My criteria are as follows: the number of junk mail, its quality and the number of traffic snarling campaign rallies each candidate has led. The fact that I can’t read Chinese has been quite helpful in analyzing the election material.

The first candidate is #3. Her caricature looks like a 30 something woman who has had too much too drink. Her caricature is also posing doing that V shaped thing with her fingers that seems to have been engrained into the Taiwanese DNA. She is running for the DPP. Her campaign literature is slick and animated; in fact it is difficult to see what she really looks like. So I will call her No Nose (scroll back up and look at the picture). I have heard that No Nose is also quite connected which normally means strong mob ties; which is always a plus. No Nose’s campaign literature has some English and I believe her campaign platform is as follows: creative, cute, young and some other idiotic adjectives. She has had at least three traffic snarling rallies but the crowds seemed well behaved and are certainly well dressed. She has to be considered the front runner.

The second candidate is #6. He appears to be a middle aged man with a bad haircut and the ubiquitous Taiwan golf jacket. Mrs. Big Ell tells me that #6 is running for the KMT and that if I endorse him I will be looking for a new Mrs. Big Ell. His campaign literature sometimes has a small Taiwan flag (the KMT party logo) but in his latest ads there are pictures of him with President Chen and Premier Yu Shyi-kun. Mind you they both appear to be ignoring him and it looks like the Premier is flipping him the bird. I will take my wife’s word for it and say he is a KMT candidate. He has also sent out more literature than the other candidates and has regular ads on television. These ads are illuminating (not because they run over paid ads on CNN and ESPN) because he seems to be threatening and yelling aggressively at people in some sort of legislature. Apparently, the reason #6 is so pissed is because Taiping doesn’t have a freeway exit (or a nearby freeway for that matter). He is a very angry man and I will call him the Angry Man. Angry Man has also had two rallies with dumb people waving flags in my eyes while I weave through jaywalkers on my 50 scooter. I gave thought to running some of them down in Mrs. Big Ell’s car but he doesn’t need the publicity.

The last candidate is #14 T.S. Young. He looks old with bad glasses but has a sharp tie. I am not sure of his party affiliation but the color of his literature appears to be the TSU colors. The TSU led by former President Lee Deng Hui (who is a Christian and says he will die on his 90th birthday) is all about Taiwan becoming independent and fuck the consequences not to mention Chinese ICBM's. But then again he could be part of James Soong’s PFP; the pro-reunification, sell-out Taiwan for a 1000 NT$ and a blowjob to China party. Who knows and at this point who really cares? There are some pictures of a school so he may be a teacher; too well dressed to be the janitor unless it's a private school. He also has many pictures of the local championship baseball team the Sinon Bulls. His literature actually has five of the teams stars with the biggest star (Chang "Prince of the Forest" Tai-shan 張泰山) giving him an apparent big thumbs up. Mrs. Big Ell thinks he might be part of the family that owns the team. Wow, what a potentially multi faceted candidate.

So there you have it the top candidates from Taichung County; The Angry Man, No Nose and T.S. Young. It is difficult for me to give the Big Ell’s Blog endorsement to only one as I am a difference maker. While No Nose may be tied to the mob her ads make me want to vomit. Angry Man is menacing in a Zell Miller kind of way and I am sure I’d want to punch him if we ever met. I have weighed all of these variables and will go with T.S. Young. For the following reasons: He is old and may die before his term runs out causing some kind of by-election. He has an English name. He may be affiliated with my favorite Taiwan baseball team with the apparent endorsement of Chang "Prince of the Forest" Tai-shan (張泰山). In addiiton, his supporters haven’t had any major rallies that would cause my blood pressure to rise and trigger my imminent heart attack. So if any of you can vote in Taichung County, cast your vote for Young, T.S Young.
Big Ell