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Friday, March 11, 2005

Self Analysis

Okay. So, I had this dream a few nights ago. In the dream I was only 20. I had no children and I was not married. I went to babysit for a couple who are real people, but no longer married. And the husband and I had an affair.

I woke up feeling dirty. I HAD to tell my husband, because I felt like I'd cheated! He always laughs at me when I have a dream like that because it seems so silly to him that I take it so seriously. Of course usually in the dream I've cheated and am dealing with the ramifications. I don't ever have actually cheat. But in THIS dream I did. Then I began obsessing over it. I was FILLED with emotion over this dream. I even found out where this husband lives now to make sure he lives no where near me. Which he doesn't. I was beside myself about a stinkin' dream!

So, here's what I've figured out after several days of self-analysis:

1) I am not going to cheat on my husband with someone I haven't spoken to in several years, don't come in contact with, and lives 1000 miles away. Heck, I'm not going to cheat on my husband.

2) It was much easier for me to get all freaked out and emotional over a dream of something that I wouldn't do, than to realize that all the emotional turmoil is really about Sarah. The dream was just easier to feel about, if that makes sense. Sarah's death is too raw, too new.

3) In the past, when I was young and stupid (as opposed to now that I'm older and stupid), and broken or vulnerable, I reacted to pain. I used drugs, I drank, I partied, and most importantly, I became involved in innapropriate sexual relationships. So, now, when I felt broken and vulnerable I DREAMED an innapropriate sexual relationship. It helped me deal about as well as it did way back in the day. Which is, not at all.

So for a couple of days I literally thought I was coming unhinged because of some stupid, stinkin' dream about something I wouldn't even do.

Now, where does that leave me? Well, it leaves me understanding the darned thing, but that's about it. This is where I apperantly lose my councilor skills. I have no idea how to make the images go away, how to more appropriately deal with my real issue, which is Sarah, or how to get rid of the icky feeling I still have for dreaming about doin' the nasty with someone old enough to be, well, my brother really, but that's not the point. And I wasn't married in the dream, I think it's terribly unfair that I should still get the cheating feelings.

I'm left now, still feeling a little off over the whole thing, and not quite sure what to do next. Then again, maybe this is what I do next. I write it all down, get it all out, and move on!

Maybe I should change the name of my blog from "Our Homeschool" to "My So Called Drama". Does that give away my generation?