5 Songs To Have Sex To This Valentine’s Day

For Valentine’s Day, I got a playlist for everyone out there who is tired of listening to their partner’s heavy breathing and incessant throat-clearing while fucking. May Cupid do right by you all as you lay the groundwork for some high-quality boning, whether you’re donning a whipped cream bra or a pair of lambskin chaps- all of these songs ensure that it’s ALL coming off.

The number one spot is always going to belong to this song. Forever. For. Ever. F.O.R.E.V.E.R. Turn the lights down, light some scented candles, crack open a bottle of something delicious and turn this song up. If you don’t have anyone to fuck, do everything I said and just watch the music video and go to town on yourself. You deserve it!

2. Led Zeppelin, “D’Yer Mak’er”

If you’re in the midst of a fling or about to have a playful romp with a friend, this is the song you turn on. It’s the best song for amateur bedroom stripteases. Bonus points if you can play it on vinyl.

3. Little Green Cars, “The John Wayne”

Do you loathe the person you’re attracted to the most? Then the rousing drums will make your eventual fucking all the more intense. Blame your attraction on the object of your affection, just like a modern-day Mr. Darcy!

4. Iron & Wine, “Such Great Heights”

If you’re a virgin, this is the song that should be playing in the background when you finally lose it. It’s so slow and sad and it is a perfectly good excuse to feel emotions as you penetrate/get all penetrated for the first time.

5. Delta Spirit, “California”

Two words: Ex sex. If you’re in denial about not being in love with someone anymore, playing this song during sex will make you cry and feel terrible about yourself. But it’ll also ensure that you never fuck’em again! Also your Pavlovian reaction to this song will be self-loathing, but you’ll get over it.