Goth's Dinner

Steven Katz, screenwriter for Shadow of the Vampire, has got it spot on. Vampires should be vampires. You can't have people pretending to be vampires if they're not. It's a gross infringement on self-definition. One problem - distance. We know that Willem Dafoe plays Max Schreck as a vampire playing a vampire. As moviegoers we are acutely aware that, whilst what we get is what we see, what we see does not exist - even in a biopic it does not exist NOW. Illusion broken. Shame. If we're looking for bloodhucksters to fulfil our reality fantasy, we need look no further than Goths. Not leeches, they already meet the criterion.

There are not enough real vampires around. The collective psyche needs them, just as they need bogeymen, werewolves and chimerai (mental note: scope for diversification?). Meanwhile we have hordes of Goths - not to be confused with Vandals. Before you start protesting that I'm pointing the finger all too readily yet again, let me tell you: I KNOW GOTH. My mum's one. My stepfather's one. My five year old brother is potentially one (he likes make-up - that may be something else). A brief description for the Unaware:

Goth, aka Gothic Rock: music inspired by the work of Mary Shelley, etc. and the revival of Gothic architecture in the 19th century; a moody, ethereal drone charting the lives and loves of the Undead; classic sujet the mortal male's obsession with a vampiric temptress ("suck me in your double coffin"); itself responsible for a unique clothing fashion drawing on horror, New Romanticism and fetishism: so, mixture of frilly/fencing shirts, shiny, shiny trousers and corsets.

Adherents have a very distinctive appearance. Generally, although not unilaterally, long hair dyed black, white foundation, very black eye make-up, black lips, black nails. A word in favour of real Goths. Real Goths are immaculately turned out; their clothes pristine, their make-up flawless. Messy, smelly kids bored with Limp Bizkit are not the same. Nor is Marilyn Manson, pantomime gimp. Real Goths are aesthetically pleasing, but they're not vampires, not even the ridiculous but oh-so-popular Cradle of Filth. Not by a long chalk.

But there are vampires, who are not necessarily Goths. "Real" vampires, oh yes, mentally ill people who have to use sites like the Blood Drinker's Resource Page. It can't be very good for you. A few years back there was some bizarre story, greedily snapped up by the likes of "issues" mags like Marie Claire (cue reminiscence of articles about poor, downtrodden women in Mexico who risk life and limb smuggling illegal immigrants over the border with the Land of the Free) - the "mysterious" disappearance of the young Manhattan journalist Susan Walsh. Walsh had been investigating, nay, infiltrating a ring claiming to practice vampirism. The Gaze of Suspicion fell on the weirdos who styled themselves as erotic murderers. No shit.

As always, I have given careful consideration to the possible consequences of vampire representation/reality enforcement:

Sales of white make-up will plummet; no longer a necessity as lack of food and hellish diet will ensure "drained" look.

Daylight curfew; Goths will no longer be allowed to hang around the city centre looking tense and pensive, or frequent Mediterranean restaurants.

Equal opportunities: Goth will never again be the province of the white Caucasian. No stipulation of white make-up, no stipulation of white.

Eventually, of course, there will be no-one left to eat. Even if we start breeding victims, there will be so many instances of blood rape, so many new Undead, that there will be no mortals left. Incidental universal immortality, but not enough food to go round. A small price to pay for eliminating the gap between representation and reality.

Who wants to live forever? Goths do. People who profess to be vampires should be vampires. Except my mum, who would no doubt eat my little brother. If I didn't get there first.

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