I Never Had a Boyfriend, Looking to Find Out How I Can Overcome the Fear of Rejection

Asked by Mango08 on 2018-05-8 with 1 answer:

Hello. From the outside I am a perfectly normal girl, with a Masters Degree, with good friends around me, but I am 26 now and I never had a boyfriend. I have plenty of male as friends, but I am so shy I always keep the distance. To be honest I am ashamed to say that I’m a virgin. I did dated guys, we kissed, but when it comes to more I feel shy and scared to say I’m a virgin at my age.

Maybe it’s a fear since childhood as my parents divorced since I was 2 years old, I didn’t meet my dad and my mother told me since a fragile age to focus on my studies, don’t leave men touch me, have sex with me and use me, don’t get pregnant, stay a virgin until I reach 18 etc.

Now she says that all parents teach their children to be careful, and when they grow up they still have sex so that’s not the reason.

Furthermore, as time passed by this fear became worst and now I am 26 years old and I am scared that when I will find a guy that I like he will run off, consider me I’m a weirdo.

This fear comes from the fact that when I was about 20, people were making fun of me, making jokes that maybe I have a disease or I like girls and that’s why I am a virgin. Since than I always avoided to talk about my sex life.

Another problem is that I feel that I am quite unlucky. usually the guys who like me I don’t like them and the ones I like we become best friends and they tell me everything about their life, but they respect me so much they don’t get closer and they end up being with other girls…

I also have low self esteem, even if I done modelling and I am quite pretty, I am scared a guy will run off if I wear no make up because I have big dark circles and small boobs. I also compare myself with other girls and I think I am not as good as they are because at 26 they have plenty of experience with men while me, I don’t have any.

I am trying to find out how I can overcome this phobia of men and where does it come from.

Looking forward of hearing from you !

Thank you (From the UK)

I Never Had a Boyfriend, Looking to Find Out How I Can Overcome the Fear of Rejection

I admire your courage in asking this question. While I understand your concern, you have already been able to show that you know what it takes to have a good relationship. The young men you like are friends because of your character and temperament. The sexual part of a relationship — when it is meaningful — is an extension of good chemistry and connection. You already know how to do this. The next time you are drawn to someone, let yourself feel vulnerable. Here is a video by Brene Brown that I think will help you embrace your vulnerability. Talking about this with a man you are interested in becomes part of the intimacy. When each person can allow themselves to be open to each other you have a real chance to make a connection.

I wouldnâ€™t speculate about the causes as much as I would focus on the correction. You will need to do something different if you want different results. I believe becoming more vulnerable is a risk worth taking.

I Never Had a Boyfriend, Looking to Find Out How I Can Overcome the Fear of Rejection

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Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

Dan Tomasulo Ph.D., TEP, MFA, MAPP teaches Positive Psychology in the graduate program of Counseling and Clinical Psychology at Columbia University, Teachers College and works with Martin Seligman, the Father of Positive Psychology in the Masters of Applied Positive Psychology (MAPP) program at the University of Pennsylvania. He is Director of the New York Certification in Positive Psychology for the Open Center in New York City and on faculty at New Jersey City University. Sharecare has honored him as one of the top 10 online influencers on the topic of depression. For more information go to: http://www.dare2behappy.com/. He also writes for Psych Central's Ask the Therapist column and the Proof Positive blog.

APA Reference Tomasulo, D. (2018). I Never Had a Boyfriend, Looking to Find Out How I Can Overcome the Fear of Rejection. Psych Central.
Retrieved on January 21, 2019, from https://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2016/10/17/i-never-had-a-boyfriend-looking-to-find-out-how-i-can-overcome-the-fear-of-rejection/

Last updated: 8 May 2018Last reviewed: By a member of our scientific advisory board on 8 May 2018Published on Psych Central.com. All rights reserved.