PARIS, FRANCE (Fat Cyclist Fake News Service) – Three agencies integral to the sport of professional cycling held a joint press conference today, in order to make a number of important announcements regarding the 2007 Tour de France.

“First and foremost,” said Patrice Clerc, President of Amaury Sport Organization (ASO), the promoter of the Tour de France), “I want to be the first to congratulate whoever wins the 2007 Tour de France. You are truly a great champion, and ASO thanks you for making our business possible. While we do not yet know who will win the Tour, I feel it is vital we acknowledge that person as the pinnacle of strength, conditioning, and personal sacrifice he undoubtedly must be.”

“Next,” continued Clerc, “I’d like to take this opportunity to accuse the aforementioned winner of using unscrupulous and nefarious methods to obtain this prize, and hereby accuse him — whoever he is — of doping.”

An Open and Shut CaseDick Pound, Chairman of the World Anti-Doping Association (WADA), was on hand to elaborate.

“When was the last time we had a Grand Tour winner who was not eventually accused and — at least in the court of public opinion –convicted of doping?”

Continued Pound, “Our problem, in the past, was one of timing. We keep waiting until after someone has won a grand tour to make insinuations. By then, the public has gotten behind the rider and we’ve got a public relations nightmare on our hands.”

“Really, it’s very simple,” said the Chairman of WADA. “Follow my logic, if you please. Every single rider at the Tour de France is a superior athlete. If one person is able to beat all these other people, that person must be doing something the others aren’t doing. However, everybody knows that every single one of these athletes is doing every legitimate thing he can to be the best racer he can be. And since every racer is doing every allowable thing, but only one person can win, the person who wins must be doing something that is not allowed.”

“And what is not allowed?” asked Mr. Pound. “Doping is not allowed, that’s what.”

Concluded the Chairman of WADA, “I think it’s time we stop beating around the bush and be direct about this: If you win the Tour de France, you are a doper. Pure and simple. So while I admire the future winner of the Tour de France, I have nothing but contempt for the unethical way in which you will go about winning.”

New Features in this Year’s TourPat McQuaid, President of the International Cycling Union (UCI) announced that in conjunction with this preemptive dismissal of the winner of the TdF, several useful and interesting new features will be added to the race.

“In addition to having the team car following the race leader,” said McQuaid, “we will now have a police car, just in case he tries to make a break for it. We will also have GPS-based location transmitters sewn right into the yellow jersey.”

“The award ceremony will have some new drama, as well,” said McQuaid. “In addition to the stuffed lion and the yellow jersey, the holder of the maillot jaune will be handed a pair of ceremonial handcuffs by myself and Mr. Pound, and then we will slap him.”

“The final ceremony will be even better,” concluded the UCI President.. “In addition to the traditional pomp and prizes, we will also have law enforcement personnel, a judge and prosecuting attorneys on hand to serve notice of arrest, a search warrant, and in fact begin the arraignment proceedings. It will be spectacular.”

Racers React“I suddenly don’t feel so well,” said Ivan Basso, following the press conference. “Also, I have a pain in my knee and my goiter’s acting up. I intend to race still, but frankly don’t see my prospects as all that good.”

“My back is killing me,” commented Alexandre Vinokourov.

“I feel a general sense of malaise,” noted Iban Mayo, though nobody asked.

Final WordConcluding the presentation, Christian Prudhomme, Director of the Tour de France, said, “I’d like to make a couple of final points. First, I’m afraid that once we strip the outright winner of the Tour de France of his title, the second place winner will be promoted to the winning spot and is thus a doper as well. And so on and so on, until we’ve had our fun.”

“Second,” concluded the race Director, “All of this is null and void in the event of a Frenchman winning the Tour.”

Fatty,
You’ve outdone yourself. I hope these clowns don’t read this or they MAY think this story is a good idea!
I’m so tired of the circus surrounding pro cycling. I used to be a huge fan, but now don’t even care. They’ve ruined it for me.
It’s still pure when my buddies and I get together for a ride, but the conversation is never about the pro’s anymore. My wife and I are going to be in Italy during the Giro – we aren’t even going. Coming from a guy that went to the TDF every year from 96-99, that says something about the current state of interest.
Lurch

Boy that sums it up well, No-Longer-an-Ounce-of-Fat Cyclist. It would be even funnier if it weren’t so sad…..
BTW, I was away and could not comment on your April Fool’s blog. Yes your wife did an excellent job on the makeup except that a fall like that would have induced tremendous swelling. Had you laid down under the teeter and allowed her to drop one end on your head first, I think you would have pulled it off…..

FC’s reply to DP- I don’t think they’ll be coming back next year. Not with UCI status anyway. I think they’re going to have to start all over and start working up again.
I guess they might have a shot if they start throwing around a lot more money. But since that was the problem this year…I think we’ve just seen about all we’re going to of the TOU.

i’m pretty sure of it. I think they probably decided it wasn’t worth the hassle. While Miller can be generous Utah (mostly LDS) businessmen are kind of notorious for being cheap. There is no way he was going to take over for missing sponsors. And so what if they were short some sponsorship. all they would ahve had to do is advertise it like the Tour of Georgia did. Me and Bob are pretty miffed about the whole thing to say the least. Last year really was great and the teams seemed really happy with how things went. And the community seemed to really support it. I wish they would at least go back to teh Thanksgiving Classic.

Good Laugh. Everytime I see or hear Mr Pound I feel they should reverse his name and then everybody should line up and take it in turns to as Nike put it “Just do It”. I’m probably naive but I still reckon there are some good clean cyclists out there and given the chance I’d still get out and support the race(s).
Barry mentioned the teeter totter – is it still in the back garden or has it been placed out on a trail somewhere.

There’s hope for me yet. As teh disqualifications progress, eventually they will be calling on all 43rd teir riders to step up. I’ll certainly get the green jersey and maybe even get to wear the yellow for a few days in the first week. Of course I’m sure that the green jersey competition is also subject to the same tainted chemical racing.

Eufemiano – email me with some initial advice and I’ll call you to fine tune the program once I get my call up to the big show. I’ve already had a thickshake straw sewn into my left fore arm ready for your first training session.

FC – My attorneys say it may be possible. But only if you submit a list of questions pre approved by dug & Rick Sunderlage (not his real name). My legal team seems to have asweet spot for the both of them.

I have listened to everyones musical selections and purchased a couple of them through iTunes… Awesome stuff, thanks fatty… if anyone missed it go back and reread everyones comments and listen to all the music then download and go ride your bikes..

A funny post. An officer in the Sail Training programme I was a part of 12 years ago once made the comment that unlike team sports, sailing a wooden schooner does not require losers in order to create a winner–i.e., that success can be achieved through working together, where the adversary is the weather (which could certainly kill everyone on board) and not another person. Which seems to be a way of thinking that is less prone to finding ways to cheat as competitive sports (and indeed, how can you cheat? you cannot conspire against the sea and win). Which is what I love about riding–while racing against buddies seems to be instinctual, the best part about riding for me is the smells, and the sounds (why I don’t listen to music while riding), the sights, the sensations, the talking…
you can’t dope that.

Did anyone else catch that there was pro cycling shown on NBC this weekend (US Cycling Open or something like that… didn’t get a chance to actually watch it since it wasn’t my TV)? You have to buy a special channel to watch anything more than highlights of the Tour de France and here is a race on network TV… could this (hopefully) be a sign of things to come?

Mrs. Coach – It’s too bad they had to raise the sponorship pricing so much as well. There’s an obvious balance in pricing things and perhaps this time they simply priced themselves out of some sponorship.

Bummer about your favorite TdF rider. But hey, you never know–maybe it’ll come out that Fuentes posed as a Red Cross volunteer and talked the very charitable Ullrich into donating blood in exchange for a sugar cookie or something. But you’d have thought Jan would catch on after six or seven times.

When I was teaching high school, I had the privilege of asst. coaching track and swimming. (They were desperate.) At the risk of revealing that I’m a complete cornball, I learned from that experience that racing’s not about the winners. I know, I know; it’s so trite. But the truth is that a lot of us who love pro cycling don’t watch bike races to see who wins. I watch for the beautiful gesture–le beau geste–the moment when a rider makes a decision to go for broke and show what he’s made of. To forget about the endorsements and the contracts and the BS and put everything he’s got into right here, right now. It’s that Bugs Bunny “This means war” moment. It happens somewhere in almost every stage of every race. And it makes it all worth it.

Anyone watching the weekend’s Tour of Flanders will have seen more than enough crashes and at least one beautiful moment. My favourite was Boonan on the Muur. He looks across at the bunch, then launches a devastating attack, gaining several bike lenghts in seconds. Then blows completeley after about 30 seconds. End of his race.

I still enjoy watching the tour even though it’s really the tour of commercials. Is the entire world so corrupt that nobody even sees it anymore? Can’t we have maybe a 100 commercials and the tour too? If I leave the room for 1 minute I come back to watch 10 minutes of commercials (the same ones that just played a minute ago) God help us all. And by the way…why is the picture quality so bad for this program? Don’t they have high def nowadays? even the Andy Griffith reruns look twice as sharp.

[...] With all of the controversy at this year’s tour, in think this article written in April is just perfect: 2007 Tour De France Winner Stripped of Title. â€œFirst and foremost,â€ said Patrice Clerc, President of Amaury Sport Organization (ASO), the promoter of the Tour de France), â€œI want to be the first to congratulate whoever wins the 2007 Tour de France. You are truly a great champion, and ASO thanks you for making our business possible. While we do not yet know who will win the Tour, I feel it is vital we acknowledge that person as the pinnacle of strength, conditioning, and personal sacrifice he undoubtedly must be.â€ [...]

This is marvellous. Michael Rasmussen is the real winner of the Torture of France. Afterwards there is no race between athletes in a fair competition, it will be a question of who has the best relations to the ASO-organization.
Today we have seen the second best winner, but the best was “Kyllingen”.

I just stumbled across your April fake news story… OMG how funny?! I have not laughed so hard in so long. Talk about irony. You just can’t make this stuff up and even when you do it’s really sad that it turns out to be the truth.

[...] Fat Cyclist Â» Blog Archive Â» 2007 Tour De France Winner Stripped of Title 2007 Tour De France Winner Stripped of Title â€œReally, itâ€™s very simple,â€ said [Dick Pound,] the Chairman of WADA. â€œFollow my logic, if you please. Every single rider at the Tour de France is a superior athlete. If one person is able to beat all these other people, that person must be doing something the others arenâ€™t doing. However, everybody knows that every single one of these athletes is doing every legitimate thing he can to be the best racer he can be. And since every racer is doing every allowable thing, but only one person can win, the person who wins must be doing something that is not allowed.â€ [...]

I was wondering what’s up with that bizarre gravatar??? I know 5am is early and I’m not wanting my best at that hour, but I hope I don’t look like this! I’d however make that face if I’m asked to do one hundred pushups. lol