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Between 1 and 99 percent of my blog traffic/the conversations that I have with my peers concern pants and how to get into them, and it’s not because so many Americans have recently experienced weight gain and are having a hard time fitting into clothes which formerly fit fine.

The fact is, most contemporary people aren’t satisfied to just wear their own pants all the time. They want, sometimes, to be in someone else’s pants. They want to get in someone else’s pants. What I’m trying to say here is S-E-X. Pants.

Sex Pants.

I found this picture of a raccoon in someone’s pants. Here’s a fact: Don’t have S-E-X with a raccoon. They are nocturnal and will eat your chickens.

Here’s how to get into pants of your own species. WARNING: THESE ARE 100% GUARANTEED HINTS. DO NOT USE THESE HINTS IF YOU HAVE ONLY CONDOMS THAT ARE EXPIRED/YOU HAVE NOT BEEN UPDATING YOUR RHYTHM METHOD CHART.

1. Go to a bar with a small group of friends who identify as the same gender as you and have similar tastes in dudes/ladies. They should also be hotter than you, to ensure that you will score a dude/lady who is into brains, not brawn. Avoid eye contact with other people, especially people who might be attractive. This is key. No. Eye. Contact.

2. Wear sweatpants as much as possible. See Strategy #1, but also it’s good to be comfy and confident if and when you do encounter a specimen of your preferred gender pronoun. Plus if you sleep over you won’t have to bring a change of PJs, which can seem presumptuous if the deal hasn’t totally been sealed yet.

3. Get a Netflix account.

4. Social networking. Seriously, guys. This is the new millennium, and if you are not dating via social networking tools, you are basically still using AOL to write your grandparents letters about your day at school that they will never read because it’s the 90s and they don’t allow Internet in nursing homes. The more active you are on FB, ‘Space, Twitter, LinkedIn, etc., the more appealing you are to potential mates. This is your opportunity to shine, except that unlike real life, you can just automatically screen out the negative comments.

I invite you to consider today Day 1 of your new pants shopping spree, with a potential guaranteed perfect fit in 30 days or less if you follow my advice. Please feel free to comment with descriptions of your new Sex Pants, as you acquire them.

4 Responses to “Sex Pants: Dating Metaphors for the New Millennium”

I would NEVER have S-E-X with a raccoon, or even consider it. Having had some experience* with raccoons and their vicious nature, I can only imagine any sexual partner would find him- or herself nearly flayed by a series of claw wounds.

*This “experience” was of a non-S-E-X nature. It mainly consisted of watching the raccoons at our old house try to get into the dog food supply. They were relentless.