Where Everybody Knows Your (Brand) Name

S2: Diane, Pearls

Diane may have lost her sizeable inheritance and become a cocktail waitress, but she never lost her haughty airs. Wanting to look like an overeducated tennis-club-frequenting blue-blooded aristocrat, Diane’s jewelry of choice is, of course, a pearl necklace.

Now, I am not a Jew of the JAP (Jewish American Princess) variety. My car has a salvage title, my favorite clothes are from Salvation Army, and I haven’t had a manicure since I went to prom. Don’t get me wrong: I’m spoiled and I won’t take public transportation, I’m just not really a pearls kind of girl. I did receive a few sets of classic pearls for my Bat Mitzvah fifteen years ago, but I’m pretty sure I’ve never worn them. Here are a few more modern alternatives that I would wear. If I had to wear pearls.