Kent Brockman: For once, a life saved at a Springfield water park, where a quick-thinking second grader performed emergency CPR on a drowning nuisance animal, while dozens of unheroic onlookers just... stood around. Where was Channel 6 news!? Filming gas pumps and their ever-changing prices, which accomplishes what? I don't know. (organizes his papers on the table)

Director: There's eight minutes left!

Kent Brockman: Uh... Did we do gas prices?

Director: Yes!! (Kent organizes the papers again)

Lisa: And for saving that raccoon, I got the opposite of teasing! I bet the Germans have a word for it, like, uh, Gerstronkenplatzen or something. (chuckles)

Marge: I wish the Germans had a word for this terrible traffic.

Lisa: (sad) And so ends the moment being about me.

Marge: What's going on, Chief?

Clancy: Uh... nasty car crash. Can't let traffic through until the cleanup crew mops up this mess, which is a problem because they're stuck in traffic behind you. (someone throws a snow ball at Clancy, and he pulls his gun in response) Okay, who did that?

Marge: We need to get home! I left my father-in-law on the sofa. He's got to be turned.

Clancy: Well, that ain't gonna happen. Not unless you clean up this accident scene! (chuckles) Actually, seriously, could you do that?

Marge: (groans) I don't know... I'm one of those people who doesn't like being traumatized by horrifying sights.

Clancy: Marge, do you know why I became a cop? If you do, could you tell me? 'Cause it's... it's really dangerous! Bu... But these crime scene cleanups, they're totally safe. All the bad people are dead or, uh... at large. So give it a shot! Please. Please, Mom? (Grabs a bucket and a mop)

Marge: Chief, Chief, this is Marge Simpson. I think I'd like to do some of those crime scene cleanups.

Clancy: Oh! Great, great. Hey, I got a job for you right here. Uh... murder-suicide, or possibly a suicide-murder. Just bring a mop and your imagination.

Marge: Hey, it can't be worse than what I've seen.

Marge: Homer, I told you not to eat chili out of the colander!

Homer: Uh... it's pronounced "calendar".

Sea Captain: Yarr, is the doctor in, miss? Little Goldie here is listing hard to starboard. I fear he may have tangled with the wrong plastic diver.

Lisa: Hmm... Could be fin rot.

Sea Captain: Oh no, not the big F! Arr! (takes off his cap) Do what you must, I'll say my good-byes. (to the fish) You were more wife to me than any woman I ever knew.

Lisa: Captain, the diagnosis of fin rot is not the death sentence it used to be. A couple drops of medicine in the water, and he'll be fine! (Lisa puts some medicine on the water and the fish gets cured)

Lisa: Dr. Budgie depends upon me! I have felt the cold breath of kennel cough in my face! I have seen tabbies that were more tick than cat! I know why the caged dog scoots! So when your lizard loses its tail, you're gonna need me to tell you it's gonna grow back.

Ralph: Want some peanuts, Mr. Elephant?

Groundskeeper: Uh... it's a goat, not an elephant, and those are shrimp, not peanuts, And that goat is allergic to shrimp!

Ralph: Your breath smells like "Don't drink that"!

(Mr. Burns is taking one of the hounds to the veterinary)

Mr. Burns: I've never seen him like this. He's so listless. (To the dog) Who's lost the urge to kill? Who's lost the urge to kill?

Lisa: I'll tell you what's wrong with him: You!

Mr. Burns: What? Me?

Lisa: This dog is badly behind on his shots! He's displaying the symptoms of early onset parvo. I'm confiscating your dog, and you, get out!

Dr. Budgie: Is this true, Lisa? Did you let this happen to a creature in your care?

Lisa: (sad) I'm so sorry. I'm so, so sorry.

Dr. Budgie: Pet hamsters need to be played with regularly, or they feel abandoned, and that can lead to stress polyps on the heart. The heart is the seat of love, Lisa. If you'd gone to veterinary school, you'd know that! I've got no choice but to operate, and I need your help!

Lisa: You still want me to help you after I was so arrogant?

Dr. Budgie: Lisa, arrogance is what made the British Empire. Then lost it. Then pretended it didn't happen.

(Homer is trying to bring Marge's feelings back by showing baby videos to her)

Homer: Okay, Marge, sweetie, look at this one! See Marge? The baby laughs every time the toaster pops! (chuckles) It is pretty hysterical!

Marge: That's nice.

Homer: Nice? Something in you is dead, Marge! And that's one crime scene you can't clean up. And all for a fan. A stupid ceiling fan that... Oh, man, that's refreshing! I want my Marge back. (Homer's phone rings) Hello? What is it, boy? Uh-huh. I see... Fine, Marge. You sit here, watch your boob tube, have a beer. That's not how Homer Simpson does things! I have to go help Lisa! (leaves)