Sunday, August 31, 2008

As some friends and I were sitting in a restaurant watching the Thursday Night South Carolina College football opener, we got side tracked talking about Tropical Storm Fay and the way she was kind of like your drunk ass cousin.-She started off all wobley down near Cuba. She looked like she had an Idea on where she was going to go, mostly swiping the West coast of Florida but then due to all the rum she must have had down in the tropics, began swaying over across the middle of the street/ errr state. She nicked Ft, lauderdale and Miami and drenched the Orlando area. It was like she constantly had to take a leak. She just kept peeing/ errrr raining. -She cut out off the State into the Atlantic, but she wasn't done Partying. She hung out over Melbourne and Cocoa while she constantly told them how much she LOVED them. " I LOVE YOU MAN" she would say. Meanwhile Melbourne and Cocoa were sober and thinking to themselves I wish she would just sleep it off.-She got her second wind and went off across North Central Florida into the Panhandle constantly just raining and peeing her way over the northern part of the state until she just kind of withered out into the South Eastern United States.

Friday, August 29, 2008

An off duty police officer was driving his car down the road when he spotted a truck towing a trailer. On the back of the trailer was a "for sale" sign and a phone number. The off duty officer was in the market for a trailer and dialed the number as he was following the vehicle. He spoke with the owner of the trailer who advised that it had recently been stolen. -The person who stole it did not bother to take the for sale sign off the trailer. The off duty police officer called his buddys and followed the guy until the on duty police pulled the driver over and arrested him for the theft. Criminals are stupid.--A single father whose son is 13 years old, called in to Lex and Terry. The father sells various stuff to department stores for a living. One of his product lines are Mannequins. The problem he was calling in to get advice about was that he recently walked in on his son and his sons friend. they were both naked and each of them had their own naked mannequin. Obviously a disturbing thing to walk in on. As Lex and Terry were questioning the father on the particulars, it came out that the mannequin the son was with had a wig and makeup while the manequin the other kid was with was of the bald headed alien looking kind. -Basically it turns out the son's friend was the wing man in this situation. Just sad to be a wing man when its Mannequins that you are picking up. ALSO quite amusing.

Friday, August 22, 2008

My goodness Usain Bolt is a fast dude. where do you sign up for that kind of speed. I want my genetics re-constructed or something. Living life as a slow white dude is something I am used to now, but damn, to just think about having that type of speed -it makes me want to believe in re-incarnation.-I guess when I was signing up for re-incarnation, this past life, I must have got in the line for good looks and smarts, Not that you cant be good looking, smart AND fast, I just didn't get that particular line.-Hopefully next time around I will pay attention to the various re-incarnation lines and will not miss the small print at the bottom. (This line will allow you to be born in America, blah blah blah - but unfortunately you will be slow as mollasses at running) -

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Somewhere off of the coast of Australia a Baby Blue Whale thinks that a Yacht is its mother.-This is sad in the sense that eventually that Yacht is not going to be able to fulfill the Blue Whale's needs. It is sad because the Blue Whale will probably die, while the people on board take pictures.-It is also funny, because somewhere, a Blue Whale thinks a yacht is its mother. Live with the opposite of everything, and you will be quite the sage.-There is no good without evil just like Funny exposes Sad.

First of all, lets talk about my infrequent posting.- I have not been an every day guy like I want to be. I have multiple reasons for not posting as frequently lately. None of those reasons are important, however I want to lay it out. -One of them is that I have been extremely depressed and don't feel my funny much, and mostly what I want to write here in this space are the following. 1) FUNNY 2) INSIGHTFUL 3) AWESOMENESS. -Second, I don't mind writing about feelings and downer stuff at all. Some people have an issue with that, but not me, not in this thing that is my blog. BUT, and its always a BUT involved , and here it is: I don't want to come off as an all the time downer guy, so here and there, a downer post if GOOD but to much downerness, and even I don't want to read all that bullshit. -So that is why I haven't written as much lately, also I have been riding around in the car much more then I care to do, and not sitting at the desk writing up money as much lately as My checkbook would like. When I am sitting at my desk writing up money there are more opportunity's for me to write stuff in my blog.

Monday, August 18, 2008

Hello Fay, Thanks for not coming directly towards Miami. I Appreciate you doing the west coast thing very much. Be gentle with them, but you know, not to much... spit out a few shingles and clay tiles if you will. Knock over a few trees and blow some stuff through some peoples windows. -Try not to spawn any of those Nasty ass twisters.

Sunday, August 17, 2008

Just did the long drive back from Gainesville. It was a new personal time record of four hours and forty eight minutes. Thats one stop for gas with relatively light Sunday afternoon traffic.

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I am always sad when I drop my kids off at their mother's apartment. I think about all I am missing, and everything they are missing. Then I get in the car and just go. I watch Florida zoom by the windows and remember the miles and miles of Orange Groves that used to populate the Orlando area when I was a kid. Those groves are mostly gone now, just like my old married life. Both the groves and our marriage were a victim of cold snaps and economics.

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The snapshots of their lives are full color prints, loaded with fun, but they are still just snapshots. Having them down here in Miami was awesome. They loved riding around on the Metro Mover, and we mixed in some Chucky Cheese, the pool, the beach, a Dolphins and Marlins game and some movies, along with some boredom as they watched T.V. and I worked. They also witnessed the drubbing we took in Softball.

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Today as we woke up in the hotel room in Gainesville and I knew I would be dropping them off and doing the 332 to the 305, I was grumpy about it. I always am a little grumpy on the Sundays when I am leaving them to come back to my new life here in Miami.

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I think you take a beating in softball the same way you take it in life. You keep playing, you play your position as best you can, when you get your at bat, you try to hit it hard and also where the other guys aren't. Thats me, driving my car past the old Orange Groves, fielding my position and trying to hit it where they aint. Occasionally mixing in a little Chucky Cheese and riding the Metro mover.

Friday, August 15, 2008

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Pushing buttons is important to little kids. We have button pushing rules around here, since we have two button pushers, and generally only one button to push at a time. -On the elevators when we go down, My daughter has the outside down button, and my son has the lobby button that you push once you get in the lift. Going up, My son has the outside button and my daughter has the inside button.-At ATM machines we have to take turns pushing the screen and various buttons that process entails.-If button pushing gets out of whack, for example, if I should accidently forget and push a button myself, then their is discussions and paybacks, and all kinds of out of whack button pushing penalties.-When they go back to their mother I am going to end up standing around in hallways waiting for an elevator that has never been summoned. My button pushing skills are slowly diminishing. Its like my button pushing abilities have a cast on them right now, and when it comes out of the cast when they go back to Gainesville, I will have to re-build my ability to push buttons myself.

Friday, August 8, 2008

Thursday, August 7, 2008

SON (AS HE IS LAYING ON TOP OF MY CHEST WHILE WE ARE WRESTLING): -- "Dad, you have hair inside your nose." ME: -- Yes I do.SON: -- You also have boogers.ME: --Yes thats where I keep them, there, and also underneath the couch.

Saturday, August 2, 2008

I was a part of a really bad softball game tonight, Sure, I didn't walk any one as a pitcher. I only had two at bats and stroked a double and a single, both line drives, but the bottom line is we lost 18 to 5. Again we were run ruled. thats what we do. We did drink beers and talk shit afterwards which, all being equal thats the part this team is pretty good at.

Friday, August 1, 2008

Having a rain storm hit while you are at an outside bar in Miami, means the following: First of all, you pay up your tab. Then you go inside, but the inside is packed out the wazoo. As soon as it trickles down a little, you go back outside, so now its just you and the bartendress, that still happens to be working the outside.-She is glad to have someone to talk with and pour for.-If you get some old school music in your head, say, "Rocket Man" from 1972 by Elton John and you start singing along, cause it makes you feel good, that would be a good and decent end to your Thursday Night.-If the other people that trickle out of the inside, because the rain subsided and they sing along with you , then all the better.-

-Life can suck but even when it does, it will give you spurts and pieces of not sucking.