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Tuesday, August 19, 2014

I'm one of those people who turns into an obsessive reader when I'm going through something unfamiliar. When I found out I was pregnant with my son, I read everything I could find on pregnancy and parenthood. I read so much that, by the time I hit my third trimester, my OB/GYN told me to stop reading pregnancy books and start reading lighter material to counterbalance all the heavy stuff that was stressing me out.

When I started heading down the road toward divorce, I naturally reached out for reading material. (And my OB/GYN would be pleased to know that I still follow his advice and add some humor to the rotation.)

Top 10 Books That Helped Me Get Through Divorce

“And then the dreams break into a million tiny pieces. The
dream dies. Which leaves you with a choice: you can settle for reality, or you
can go off, like a fool, and dream another dream.”

I started reading this book the day after signing the
separation agreement. This novel was my way of dipping a toe into the
overwhelming pool of books about divorce. I wasn’t quite ready to jump into the
self-help books that would force me to dissect feelings and motivations and
behaviors. I simply wanted a glimpse of what I was getting myself into with a
twinge of humor. And no one does the heartbreak and humor dance better than
Nora Ephron.

While I originally started reading this book to write a blog post for work, it turned into a valuable lesson in how to nurture my kids as
they cope with their parents’ divorce.

My 10-year-old son’s preferred love language is Quality
Time, which comes mainly in the form of undivided attention during
conversations. Although most of our chats these days revolve around Minecraft
and Clash of Clans rather than the divorce, I know he feels most loved when he
knows I’m truly listening to what he has to say. And I know that my ability to
fill his emotional tank in that way makes him feel safe to talk to me about
more serious topics.

My 6-year-old daughter’s love language is Physical Touch.
She needs hugs and hand-holding and cuddling to get her emotional needs met.
That knowledge was important during all the divorce-related transitions,
especially because a child her age has difficulty verbalizing thoughts and
feelings. She may not have understood why mommy was moving out of daddy’s
house, but cuddling during a movie went a long way in making her feel better.

After sharing the news of my separation with a select few
friends, I was thrilled to find care packages on my doorstep to help keep my
spirits up. Bubble bath, nail polish, sweet treats, DVDs to make me laugh or to
help me cry it out. And this hilarious book.

I can count on one hand the number of books that have made
me laugh so hard I had to put the book down and compose myself. I didn’t think
I could find a book to top the laugh-out-loud quotient of Bridget Jones, but
Ellen did it. (Just ask the poor dude who sat next to me on the airplane when I
was reading this during a business trip. I eventually abandoned my attempts to
stifle my giggles. I’m sure he was thankful he brought headphones.)

Moving out allowed me to start over in many ways. I read
this book shortly after I moved into my apartment, and it helped build my
excitement to decorate my new home in ways that would reflect my new life. I
learned to “see things with fresh eyes” and to remember that life doesn’t stop,
that “now is now.”

"Successful recovery requires completion of the pain
rather than retention of the resentment. You are the only one who suffers when
you don't forgive."

A friend recommended this book very early on in my
separation. I ordered it immediately and sat it on my nightstand when it
arrived. And that book sat there on my nightstand unopened for almost a year.

This book isn’t just a self-help book filled with theories
and advice for moving on after a divorce. It’s a journey through past
relationships, analyses of patterns in partner choices and brutal honesty about
your own role in the destruction of those relationships. It was therapeutic and
enlightening as I revisited relationships back to age 14 and uncovered what I
thought I wanted, what I was actually getting, and what I ultimately want, need
and deserve.

This book ripped my guts out. But not only did it show me
what mistakes not to make in the future, it also helped me recognize sources of
anger I didn’t even know I had and taught me the importance of forgiveness.
(I’m not fully there on the forgiveness part yet, but I’m getting there.)

I read this short book after giving up on online dating. I
can't tell if the author’s stories made me realize my experience wasn’t so bad
or if he scared me into never wanting to try it ever again. Either way it made
me laugh.

I ran out of Post-It notes with this one. Too many lessons
learned to list.

(In the same genre, I read "Stuck on Me MissingYou" by Larry Bugen, which gave an interesting perspective on narcissism.
And I skimmed through “Assholes: A Theory” by Aaron James, which offered very
useful suggestions for "asshole management.")

5 comments:

I loved "Are You There Vodka, It's Me Chelsa"! I read it during my train commute to work a few years ago. Try as I might I could not contain my laughter the more I read...I would be crying on the train at times from laughing so hard.

Oh Roller Coaster Wife, another fantastic article. The list and the synopsis of each book should be a guide for others who are going thru divorce. I must admit the only book I read on your list was 50 Shades and I definitely will not be running to see the movie. I fear the big screen will not do justice to Christian and Anastasia.

Life is what you make it and once again your glass is 1/2 full and definitely not 1/2 empty. Your future is bright and you are so tuned into Big C and Little C. Communication is everything.

Thank you, just what I need. I'm a reader in situations like you and the packed boxes and boxes of books preparing for my divorce and separation prove it. I will be picking some of these up this weekend!