William Ifeanyi Moore: My Money or Our Money

WARNING: This post might cause offense. The faint hearted, sentimental, and overly traditional are advised to check their blood pressure before reading. William Ifeanyi Moore and BellaNaija will not be responsible for any outrage that ensues from reading. Thank you.

Now that we have that out of the way, I want to ask a very sensitive question to you all. In a relationship (marriage), what is your take on the handling of finances? After my rather limited research I came up with two models.

Model 1 (My Money & Your Money A.K.A the water and oil model)
This model suggests that both parties keep their own money in their own account and a joint account is only used for contributions when the need arises.

Model 2 (Our Money and Our Money A.K.A Mi casa, Su case)
This model suggests that both parties put all their money into a collective purse and release a pre-determined amount or percentage to their personal accounts for personal expenses.

Rule: The tipping point is 50% of the total earnings. Once more than 50% of total earnings go into the joint account, it is a Models 2 arrangement, and vice-versa with less than 50%.

So, what model do you follow in your marriage (if you are married), and what model would you hope to follow if like me you are a singleton? I will kick it off with being the first to confess. I am very much unmarried, but I have every intention to live by the Model 2 system. Yes, I said it, come and beat me.

From conversations I have been having about this topic, I have found myself very much in a minority, especially among women. Most women seem to have this idea that, ‘his money is our money, but my money is my money’. To that I say, ‘you are on a bicycle, heading nowhere fast’.
The reasons most people choose to keep their own money are as follows:
1. What if we get a divorce? (It’s a joint account, you can always calculate your contributions and split. Both of you can sign)
2. What if he carries my money to one mistress? (Ermm, you can have the alert sent to his SMS and your e-mail. You will catch him)
3. What if he carries all our money and runs away? (You can set a limit that will require both parties to sign)
4. What if I want to do something for my family or invest in my friend’s business? (This is where communication comes in. You will discuss it. He has family too, when it is his turn, the matter will be tabled as well)

I could go on and on, but it all boils down to one thing; lack of trust. This really makes me wonder. Humans will contribute money with a business partner that they don’t even share kids with, but dread the idea of sharing their finances with their spouse? This not only highlights the fear and tainted expectations we go into marriages with, it also reflects a new found selfishness that our generation has become famous for. Instead of putting the benefit of the family first, we place our own needs in front.

The question is simple: If you don’t trust me with your money, why are you getting married to me in the first place? In my opinion, someone that can’t share their money with you in the world today will definitely not share their food with you when the zombie apocalypse arrives. And someone that will eat your money but won’t give you theirs to eat will consider cooking you when that apocalypse comes. So ask yourself, why are you even going into a marriage to start with? To get your parents off your back? To play out the script written by society? To cure your loneliness? Or to build a life with someone else? Marriage is not by force. If you aren’t willing to go all the way, don’t go at all. It really is a win-big/lose-big game. But to win, you have to go all in.

People that build together, save together. It’s not like Bonnie and Clyde had different safe houses for the loots. A word is enough for the wise. As always, I am just a learner. Don’t mind how strongly I feel about the issue. It’s probably because I grew up in a home with this system and it has worked just fine for my parents. I know no one shoe fits all, so please, tell me what works for you or people you know ☺

About William Moore

William Ifeanyi Moore is an MPharm graduate from the University of Portsmouth, UK. His true passion is in novels and poetry but he cheats on them with movies, plays, and music. He believes sacrifice and compromise is the bedrock of any healthy relationship. His debut novel Lonely Roads is out on 10/12/2015. Blog: www.soulsyrup.space Twitter: @willifmoore Instagram: willifmoore

I have been married for 18yrs with 4lovely children , I come from kwara , Ilorin to be precise , am a Muslim , in Islam it says a man should cloth, feed and shelter , of course a lot of people don’t practice this anymore but I guess I got lucky, I studied mathematics in the uni and I work for me, I have 6 shops in 3states, my parents set me up in business as soon as I graduated , in my home, my money is my money and my husbands money is our money, of course I chip in from time to time if need be but my husband has never asked me about the money I make from my business and I don’t have a specific contribution that I make towards anything , i invest on the assets for the children and I tend to spoil my husband from time to time, I grew in a home where my dad did everything and my mum had a thriving business but her money meant nothing to my dad and I guess I married someone like my dad, he believes a man should feed , cloth and shelter and my money means nothing to him.his money is our money while my money is my money but if for any reason he wants acces to my money, I would surrender it without any issues because he has never denied me.

Glad to hear that works for you guys, but there’s no one size fits all. If my money is your money, then your money might as well be mine too shikena! What’s good for the goose is good for the gander, and I’m not saying this because I need my partners money but based on the principle of being a team in a relationship.

18 years! May Allah continue to grant you his blessings. Sometimes I even pity Muslim men who adhere to the rule that states the man has to feed, clothe , provide shelter and everything for his woman. Not because I don’t enjoy it because it’s rare these days. I grew up in a Muslim home and it didn’t happen that way. Now, I’m married to a man who does it all and I hear people say, u’re lucky. I don’t feel it’s luck, it’s just a man who wants to obey his Lord and I’m enjoying the rights given to me. If need arises, I can give him my money but as long as there’s no pressing need, my money is my money. I’ll invest it for our unborn children.

Lool at all the pre- warnings, the article actually did not cause offence jare trust me we have seen worse lol

Hmm this matter has been causing untold woe in many households o esp for couples who are just starting out and come from different backgrounds. After a lot of gra gra, arguments, spiritual intervention and advice from the elders, hubby and i decided we will both bring a portion of our salaries each month to sort out all our expenses this includes mortgage, utility bills, transportation, food e.t.c hubby earns more than me so naturally his quota is a lot higher but i also bring half of my salary. After we have settled our bills, whatver remains for us is strictly our business o. We usually put some of it to individual seperate savings account and then whatever is left we can do what we like with it. But for our holidays, hubby sorts that one alone o lol. So far this arrangement is working. It will be interesting to see how we juggle it when kids come lol. If there’s anything iv learnt sha open communication in money matters is key.

this go all in thing is not true joh. some people have been on the fence in their marriage and enjoying it that way for years. you don’t have to give all to enjoy marriage. But you probably have to give all to enjoy what true love means. loving someone completely can actually be rewarding in itself even if the person does not love back completely. in any case, some never share all and still enjoy this thing called marriage. to each his own

You are blessed. For me, my husband loves me, but when it comes to finances i contribute more or mostly than he does because i make more money and it doesnt help that his a spender with his money, so i mostly end up taking care of us. I just wish he didnt really have much interest in mine, regardless that I make more., i feel like a man sometimes. I hope things turn around soon because it isnt easy.

Ehen. You’ve touched on what the niggling question on my mind as I read this article (and to the writer – El oh El @ your hypothesis on what might happen with a selfish sod who’s likely to eat you during a Zombie Apocalypse. You, my friend, are not okay… :-))

Back to the matter. When either the wife or hubs in a marital coupling has a spending problem, I think that blows this whole “share and share alike” theory completely apart. And I see your pointed question asking why mistrustful spouses even decided to marry their frivolous other halves in the first place. As a singleton like yourself, I’m constantly hammered with the warning, “there’s no perfect man, you decide on what you can live with and practise the 60/40 rule”. Or maybe the 70/30 rule. Or even the 80/20 one. In other words, choosing what elements are fundamental to you and deciding on the what you can work on in the course of your marriage.

Without endorsing or refuting that principle, I can see why people might have ended up with partners who they can trust to raise a child with or stay faithful to or make pivotal decisions about their lives with… but maybe not trust so much with actual cash in the bank. Not because the man or woman is necessarily evil but just because the person has the sort of nimble fingers that won’t allow them walk past an Apple store or the sales sign winking at them in the windows of Selfridges, without reaching for their credit card.

So…. one might be better working out what works for their particular situation than just applying the general rule of trusting the one you love with all things, come what may.

AMEN!!! to that. I have not been married for 18years but I have been by God’s grace happily married for 8 years and prior to us getting married. I sat with my hubby after a particular incident and explained that we could not have a joint account. To him savings, at the time, meant; anytime i need money and i don’t have $$$ readily available i can just dip my hands into savings and spend it. No thought to; if this is a need or a want. Something i can do without for now pending when i get the funds to get what i want. So i told him we will have to have separate accounts, he completely understood and it has worked for us. Recently, though i brought up the idea of us having a joint account since i see he has made a complete turn around with regards to finances but he said no, and i was ok with that. I actually make more in the relationship and so i pay majority of the bills but although we have separate accounts we still discuss our finances. How much we are saving, and how much we are spending and we hold each other accountable and yes we have a joint account for “Special contributions” Lastly, I know my hubby will gladly pay all the bills if I will let him but i personally believe in splitting the bills with respect to our paychecks and he totally respects me for that. There is really no one size fits all with relationships

My dad has an open hand, while my mum is a chronic saver. Daddy spends his (bills+ random gifts for my mum especially when he travels), mummy saves hers. Daddy then helps mummy spend some of hers lol. The helping of family and friends could come from any one of their multiple accounts. They have separate accounts but it’s definitely an ‘our money’ mentality.

@ the writer, William you are really a singleton and I hope not a simpleton. Marriage is not that simple. You may go in all trusting and mi-casa-su-casa but before long you will start to notice that someone doesnt quite know how to make sound financial decisions and this could be you. I’ve been married 5years and I keep my money to myself because my hubby doesnt make the best financial decisions. I’m frequently bailing him out because I have the sense to save. Imagine if we kept our money together and he had constant access to it? Na our children go hear am na? Same thing as a chic, if i know i dont know how to save or keep money I think the responsible thing the man shud do is keep his away from me … until i ask o! Its not being mistrustful, its just being responsible. If on the other hand, bo

I have been married now for 7 years and in my marriage we follow model 2, it’s our money. Regardless of who is earning more than the other we share the same savings and have access to each others accounts. We actually have the same pin number for all of our accounts. This has really worked for us as we believe in the bible saying ‘2 shall become 1’. I don’t think I would have liked it much if my husband was one of those with the idea that I should not know what he is earning or he gave me monthly contributions as some do. He would have lost out in the end as I’m now earning a lot more than he is. Thank God we put his word first as I can truly say money and communication has never been a problem for us thus far. This has truly helped us in saving towards buying our first house in the UK.

First point to mention is that i too am a singleton and so perhaps what i want is unrealistic upon getting married. I believe if both of you are working you should both contribute. But for the sake of my husbands ego and the very fact he has been ordained as the provider of our household, he can and should contribute more. I would like to invest most of my earnings into child trust funds and future holidays i would like to have. As a show of trust and respect of the premise of ‘two shall become one,’ i believe in total financial transparency with each other and regular discussions as to what happens with our earnings. But marriage is hardwork and unfortunately doesn’t always last. safeguards mentioned are a not fail proofbut are a good way to protect yourself if implemented early and mutually…in essence a pre-nup of sorts.

When there’s ‘genuine’ love shared,money would really not be an issue.Even if one party spends more on the other, the one who caters for the needs wont feel cheated,it just feels like u really love this person and to meet their needs what brings u joy.I don’t know about any other person oh!,but for me,I can barely hold back from my partner(even my siblings),sometimes,i would have finished giving and then go broke(coversface).But there’s this joy knowing you were able to help out. So, ‘genuine’ love shared would always bring out the best in partners.But to each,his own-my2cents

I totally agree with you…….why get married if you don’t trust your spouse enough to save money together…..but on the hand a responsible man should not even allow his woman do that ,it is what makes you a man,but I think saving fifty percent of whatever income u get as a couple is much better than putting all your money together.i wont even put fifty percent sef personally.it is my money!

Good morning dear brother. This is the second time that I come across one of your articles and like the first time I am impressed. My dear brother I commend you for this master piece. I am a lady but I must say the truth. Some ladies are just selfish, and greedy. They want their husbands to spend their money on them but they are not ready to do the same with this silly excuse that it is their duties as the “men”. I have a question to the ladies who think that way, what if you later have sons and their wives do the same would you be happy? We should not do to others what we cannot accept for ourselves. When two persons agree to marry they are supposed to become one, they are supposed to be their brother’s keepers. The husband is not our bank. he is our better half and it is wrong to be selfish towards him. William thanks again for this superb article and keep up the good work. May GOD bless and protect you in JESUS name I prayed, amen. So one love and peace!!!!!!!

Hmmmm,,,,,, yes he is nt our bank bt we are nt his maid either bt most men comfortably sit and watch tv while dia wife cook,, wash,,clean.. attend to the kids need after a long day at work and do nothing to help. So i dnt see why women should share the burden of a man who doesnt share hers. Abeg its all about loving one another. If u love ur wife u will nt watch her slave away and expect her to contibute to the financial needs of the family and if u love ur husband u will willingly help him in the financial aspect because u knw he deserves it. This stuff is both ways not one sided

First and foremost writer u just advertise ursef se u dey single so interested ladies can apply lol.The issue of money/finance is a delicate and sensitive matter.it is the security in a marriage cos most times when the unexpected comes it always has to do with money,men are meant to provide for their family after all person wey go buy goat know se goat go chop,that aside money has to be manage or handle with care and that is why women r the best in this department cos guys una dey make budget for outside runs,and women being the home maker should always snoop from time to time even when u know u r both more than comfortable cos money has no base,is like a visitor who comes and go and is also like Air,every human being wants to feel it while they r alive.

Me house is on fire because of finances. We have separate account and also contribute a non-specified amount to a joint account. Hubby earns a little more than i do, He takes care of the rent, baby’s things, utilities and i do everything food; so groceries, cooking, cookers, fridges, washing machine etc- things that makes my life easier. But the thing is my hubby likes borrowing money from me and he does not repay as he promised – huge sums to small amounts. I took a loan to buy myself a car ( he cannot buy for me), I have him $4,000 for that and up till now, no car no money. I have talked to him, asked him, spoke gently to him, still no response. Sometimes when i ask him, he looses his cool, he says he will pay. It’s been a year now..dunno what to do again ooo

Same shoes…Borrow and not pay back. Plus i will gladly do separate account, DH earns 3X my salary but still borrows from me.. Lie where did all the money go? I take care of myself with my money, he does the rest and I contribute appropriately, Sigh

@married woman chronicles, I can feel your pain. I know that feeling of working and having to use it all to support bills. my hubby is a hard worker and I am happy to support him, if I had my way, contributing to bills will be something I will like to do with my discretion not because there are no options. I cannot wait for this phase to pass. for me, I will like to start adopting model one. we contribute a certain percentage of our earnings to a joint account and have some for myself. I want to spoil myself spontaneously sometimes and not have to plan for weeks first.

Love the intro to this article.lol. This is definitely a big issue in marriage all over the world .But I will say this ..

I believe that number 2 model would be the best if both parties stick to it and commit to it. In any partnership trust is key and especially in marriage that is the only way to roll or you would looking at an ultimate end.while it is nice that a man takes care of the bills always . I do know they nurse resentments about this even if they can thoroughly afford it .just like woman nurse secret resentments that their husbands don’t help them out more with babies and the home,
Everything works when 2 people are wholly and completely invested in it.it always helps men psychologically when they know their partner has got their back (they might not be ready to admit that loll) especially today when women are beginning to make more money than men.i feel that women in our society will be happier to help out if the backlash we get from ourselves isn’t so harsh.

I belive that people do the number 1 model because of fear like the author said.ironically it is exactly that kind of thinking that would eventually lead to the split of your union . (Before I go , we think this works in naija cos the husband and wife do not leave the matrimonial home but it is possible to divorce your spouse emotionally. And that is worse…..

As the sole provider, will you also disclose all your finances to your wife or will you keep your financial details to yourself whike making sure you supply all your family’s requirements? Also, will you still require your wife to give account of how she spends her money to you?

Nice article…I agree with module 2. In marriage the most important thing is trust. We shud b able to share everything and and make decisions together, I think it even brings the couple closer…yes it might also bring arguments and drama but if you guys are really in love then it would be settled in due time. When I get married I wana be able to do everything with my husband and share everything I have with him because at the end of the day we are meant to be One.

i have noticed that men tend to go this way of joint account when their wives earns more than them. my question is will men still support joint account if their wives earn peanuts or their salary is higher? #just an observation#

Come to think of it I would love to hear the feminist perspective on this matter lol. Shebi feminists fight for the equality of the sexes so in this matter both parties should contribute equally right? Abi feminisim will not apply to this ni? Lolol

Though I am not married, but from the little I have seen from my parents I know marriage is about sharing. If you are not willing to be selfless, please remain single.With regards to finance, both parties must be on the same page before signing the dotted lines. Generally, I don’t think it’s advisable to be with a stingy person (either husband or wife) because these little things are like cancer that will eventually lead to divorce. For me, my money is our money!

Clearly an established understanding from the get go and the ability to stick with it,is what the perfect model is,be it model 1 or 2,as long as it works for the both of you as a couple with very clear understanding,is a perfect model cause people are different and live by different rules as long as it works for them.
However,to the African female,if you operate on model 1,and any such situation arises wherein your spouse or partner falls down a financial slide be virtuous a woman enough to support him without grumbling or else you become the reason your marriage won’t work when he gets back on his feet..

What if the husband is not a salary earner (a one man business) and wifey receives salary @ d end of each month and wifey’s tired of everyday “Market is slow”, “business’s not moving” by hubby. what will d wifey do???

been married for almost 2 years . i know my husband’s earnings, he earns more than i do,almost double my salary, he knows my earnings as well.
We opened a joint account immediately after we returned from honeymoon ( the acc is in both our full names and we both get sms and email alerts, monthly statements etc) , we put in the bulk of our salaries every month, (meant as savings but we take from it to pay the rent and other major expenses, family trips etc) and as expected , he puts in 2X more than me.
From the remaining part of our salaries he pays for monthly utility bills, gifts for me and other personal expenses,while i handle the little household expenses, groceries and personal expenses. we have our separate accounts and the monies we had before entering the marriage, with the bulk of the money we came into the marriage with, we opened a joint investment account in a foreign currency ( the account is in both our names, we both get monthly statements).
So far the joint account system has worked for us. it takes a lot of trust and commitment and understanding. also having a healthy mindset about money helps a lot.
There was a time he made a bad financial decision with money taken from our joint account. i advised against the move but he went ahead anyways and we lost a lot of money , tho a little more than half of it was eventually recovered, i was so upset and he was really sorry. it was just a bad mistake anyone could have made. I guess i handled the situation a bit maturely, i didn’t throw tantrums or start a quarrel or anything like that . we had discussions and i let him know how upset and disappointed i was and i saw how sorry he was and how he had learnt his lesson,i offered him support and comfort cos he was so unhappy. we moved past it and moved on. taking all the lessons to heart.
Afterwards i noticed that he sought my advice more and paid a lot more attention to them esp concerning finances. He is a big spender, but he spends sensibly, while i believe in saving more and spending less but we make most financial decisions together. we may not always agree initially but by God’s grace we always find a middle ground. and in cases when i really don’t want him to spend, i try to understand especially when i can see it is for the good of the family.
Above all we always make sure there is a substantial amount in d joint account. we make sure the account balance does not go below a certain amount. So far this method has worked out well for us.
I believe with having a joint account, over time u get a deeper insight into the kind of person your spouse is. when u make money decisions with your spouse over time , you get to know his/her mindset about money and this tells a lot about the kind of person they are. It also increases closeness and trust especially when both parties show transparency,honesty and a high level of trustworthiness concerning money.

For me, its kinda my money is my money and his money is our money. I’m very prudent and can calculate to the last kobo, my husband is freer with cash, so I find out that he has finished cash I expected to last longer by calculation and so have to bail him out.
At first I was miffed and I won’t lie I question every kobo he spends,(his money o) which I know he doesn’t like. But I have realized that its selfish to keep my money and expect him to finish all of his. So I decided to contribute when I can and also see my money as his money.

@William (Ifeanyi) It is really refreshing to hear your perspective on “family finances”. I’ve been married for 10 years (this August) and my husband and I utilize model #2 for the very reasons some of you have mentioned. The main reasons why we gather all of our nuts together and distribute it according to the family’s needs is because we understand that our family (immediate family) comes first. This model has allowed us to make sound financial decisions. It takes the guess work out of “can we afford it or not” because we are both actively involve and aware of where our finances are. I find is very empowering to have a solid partnership with my husband especially around finances. There are no secrets!! Secrets are the devil’s pathway into your married. Unfortunately, I’ve seen situations where one partner is busy taking care of their extended family that they neglect their immediate family. This kind of behavior will create resentment and divide between the couple if communication and agreement is not taking place. The reason I think it’s important for the couple to agree to give money to whomever is because that allows you to think as one. It leaves little room for the “haters” to penetrate your marriage with their negativity. Come together, argue, disagree, then agree to go with one decision as ONE UNIT, then act on the decision. ~ Love Amaka

I’m a singleton but I grew up in a home where momsy did everything. I mean everything. Popsy’s money is his while hers is ours. He used his to chase babes and give while she trained the kids, fed and clothed the family; and she never insulted him.
When I marry, we shall have separate accounts but contribute monthly to a joint account biko. I can’t go through what momsy went through. And yes, you can’t withdraw above a specified amount. Call me controlling (˘̯˘) but I learnt from experience. Some bros are not loyal!

I understand perfrectly where you are coming from. But i want you to know one thing: not all men are the same. Your dad acting in a certain way does not necessarily mean your spouse would spouse will have the same attitude. Please go into your marriage with an open mind, And adopt a method that will suit you both. Basing your judgement on your fathers behaviour is detrimental to your replationship with your spouse

There is no one model fits all, as much I believe that there should be no Financial secrets in Marriage, partners should still have a discussion and decide based on what you know about each other’s personalities, strengths and weaknesses. this is what should be the determinant as to who leads or takes charge’ of the family’s finances.

Some Men are better at it and Some Women are better at it!! If you’re blessed, both of you might bet good at financial planning then it might be a case of who has the time to sit down and do the necessary maths each month/quarter etc.

Like many have said earlier, we are all different and sometimes its not about who spends or earn more but its all down to who is more responsible with finances and who actually enjoys doing things like budgeting, spreadsheets of household expenses etc.

Wow! Really proud of everyone in the comments section. Everyone stated their varied opinions with respect. It’s really refreshing to see this.

In relaxation to the post, one one hand, I believe in baring all; our money is our money. If you and your spouse have one mind, this really seems like the best way to. But I guess this applies to no 1 and any other type of arrangement couples have, if you’re both one the same page, who can argue with that?

On the other hand, I also agree with @Mz Socially Awkward. Adopting what best suites your situation makes a lot of sense.

OH hell no. Model 1 all the way. You keep your money and I keep mine. I am in love not in lust to share my hard earn money. I am thinking with my brain not with my heart. No long story here.PERIOD!! He might even have a secret account for all you know if you make the mistake of going for option 2.

I think I will go for my money is also her moneY.
Firstly am dat kind of dude dude dat loves doing all the spending,so I think my wife will. Just be there for run to when am kind of broke,I dn’t like joint account but I think with love we will be open to each other with our money.

It is not a case of one size fits all. Everyone to his/her method that suits. But there is one issue i will like to address which i presume is an hindrance to some of us adopting the second method.
We should not take into account the negative actions of our parents towards finances. This is because not all women and men are the same. Our spouses may not have the same attitude as our parents in the issue of finances. Basing your judgement on this may hamper and becloud our judgements and reasonings.
For instance, my dad and mum had a joint account which eventually backfired not because my dad mismanaged the funds but betrayed my mum by taking on a second wife which shattered her. The finances were well channeled towards proeperties and other stuffs but when another woman becomes involved, we all know what that means.
Well, it is expected that i have a preconceieved perception of joint accounts and other things as a result of my background. I did not allow that to influence my attitude going into marraige. To an extent it did affect me but with God and my wonderful husband i overcame.

i have been married for 13 years now and we started right from the first day to practice method 2 as we both agreed and neither i nor my spouse has had any cause for concerns.