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Revised Version of U.S. Constitution Found In DC Cave

At Washington D.C. news conference, held at the Offices of
the Center for American Progress, archeologists working for the
Smithsonian Institution have announced an incredible discovery, a revised copy
of the U.S Constitution dated 1790. This document was passed by the original 13
States with the intention of supplanting the version ratified in
1788. The Chief Archeologist on the project called the document “the Dead
Potomac River Scrolls,” because they were found in a previously unknown cave on
the bank of the Potomac.

According to the scientists, a 13-year-old boy named Zach Emanuel was walking
his dog near the river, threw a stick and and heard some glass shatter. He
followed the noise into the cave and found the document amongst some broken beer
bottles left over from some ancient beer summit. Scientists determined
the cave was once occupied by some ancient cult of prognosticators. Also
found in the cave was and old mens-style tutu and some
leftover yarmulkes from Rahm Emanuel’s Bar Mitzvah.

The cult known in history books as the Progressenes, wrote the document in
English and it begins with an amazingly prophetic preamble,

We the People of the United States, in Order to
form a Union even more perfecter than we did two years ago, do ordain and
establish this brand spanking new Constitution for the United States of America
recognizing that the document approved in 1788 forgot to talk about social
justice.

The over-all document is very similar to the Constitution passed in 1788, it
just adds a few things:

Under the census provision it adds, “if a large group of foreign nationals
come into the country illegally, they are to be counted in the census as not
to appear racist.”

The executive branch articles include a provision that says, “The
President is to enforce all laws equally except in the case of radical
organizations such as the New Black Panthers or other African American
organizations trying to intimidate voters from voting the wrong way. Housing
organizations that commit voter fraud by registering illegible voters multiple
times, cartoon characters, or the deceased are not to be prosecuted, as long
as they are named after the seed of an oak tree.”

It is quite amazing the way these Progressenes were able to see into the
future.

Beyond the prophetic articles and preamble, included in this revised
constitution was a document called “The Bill of Other Rights Which Corrects the
Original Constitutions Wrongs,” these included:

There is not only a freedom of religion but a freedom from religion

The right to health care unless you are a senior (sorry grandma)

We were only kidding about the right to bear arms

There is a right of Unions to be bailed out even if the government has to
take over the entire automotive industry

The right to high speed internet is guaranteed

The government has the right to control free speech on the internet and
talk radio

There us a right to come into the country illegally as long as you
promise to support the Progressenes

The President has the right to play golf during a crisis, especially
if petroleum is involved

The government has the right to redistribute income

There is a right to be a terrorist or to hate the United States as
long as you work with a future president

Some skeptics will tell you that this document is an obvious forgery, I can
even see CPAC Blogger of the year, Ed
Morrissey[1] use this story as part of his daily Obamateurism of
the Day feature. But anybody doubting the pedigree of this document is obviously
taking a bipartisan effort and trying to interject partisanship.

For proof of its validity, just look at the fact that this document has
already been endorsed by the administration. This is the administration that
told us Joe Sestak wasn’t offered a job, there were no earmarks in the stimulus
bill, Obamacare would reduce the deficit, and there would be absolutely no new
taxes on anyone making less than $250,000 a year, why should we stop
believing them now?

Perhaps the best reason to believe that this document is real, is the fact
that the provisions of this revised constitution were put into practice when
Barack Obama became president. If these provisions were followed without a
supporting constitutional document, the press, who is counted upon to be a
watchdog over the government would scream bloody murder, and they have been
totally silent. You see, it has to be real! The document also provides an answer
to those who claim that Barack Obama is some sort of socialist trying to
over-turn the US Constitution. Based on the newly found document he is a strict
“constitutionalist”.

According to the archeologists, there are more documents in the cave,
specifically court precedents supporting the revised constitution, a new version
of the Bible that strikes out any connection between the Jews and the Holy Land,
and a history of Chicago politics, all of which will be released as soon
as they are examined by the new Archeology Czar, scholar Bill Ayers.