Michael Flynn fired from local KFC after trying to steal secret ingredients

WASHINGTON — Just one month after being forced from his post in the Trump White House, former National Security Adviser and self-professed lycanthrope Michael Flynn was fired again yesterday, this time from his job working at a local KFC.

While KFC refused to comment on the details of Flynn’s dismissal, calling it an internal matter, store employees say it was prompted after managers caught him trying to steal the secret ingredients to the company’s fried chicken, allegedly to sell to Russian intelligence officials.

Security camera footage seen by reporters show Flynn stuffing pieces of both original and extra-crispy chicken down his pants, along with several documents which he claimed would reveal “the real truth” behind Col. Sanders’ military career.

This marks the fourth time Flynn has been fired in the past few years, including as Director of the Defense Intelligence Agency in 2014, as National Security Adviser in 2017 over his ties to Russian Intelligence, and by Russian Intelligence the following week over his ties to Turkish Intelligence.

Flynn’s firing after only a month-long employment at KFC apparently did not surprise any of his coworkers. His career in U.S. Intelligence left him unprepared for such complex tasks as opening a cash register, mopping a floor, or operating a deep frier.

He also received a record six equal opportunity complaints from fellow employees in just a week, allegedly for questioning his fellow workers over their citizenship, sexual orientation, and potential affiliations with international terrorist organizations. He also turned several female customers away over what he called “their unprofessional dress and attire.”

Flynn was also reprimanded after trying to get his son a position at the same KFC store, a violation of company policy, and was further reprimanded after his son took to social media to announce the hiring amid a fifteen-tweet racist rant against Taco Bell.

Flynn is also the latest of several former general officers who have been unable to translate their military experience into civilian life: retired Army Gen. David Petraeus lasted just three months at a Starbucks before being terminated due to “inappropriate” relations with several female employees.

Ironically, the most successful was former Marine commandant James Amos, who has been successfully operating a Virginia Walmart for the past three years, despite a 400% employee turnover rate.