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How the sexes handle hurt

In our quest for happiness and ultimate life satisfaction, we encounter struggles that we try to figure out. Clark Kent & I decided to collaborate to answer some of the questions that men and women struggle with one another. We wanted to demystify the age old question about not understanding the other sex. We started with some of the stereotypical questions of what we think our genders do wrong when listening and communicating with the other sex. Clark’s answers have the male symbol (♂), mine have the female symbol (♀).

Perception:What are some of the differences between men and women in handling hurt?

♂ Every man or woman experiences things that alter what perception of illusion that is what is felt within. The more pain experienced the greater the capacity for love to take its place. When a man is hurt or is hurting another it is because of the choices he can’t see! I had to break someone’s heart who meant alot to me, when she learned everything I had done, and did to myself I then tried to make it work with her. But what I had to learn from this was that the more I came true inside myself the more I was able to see this very pain in others. I could see her pain and I was forcing her to see it without her permission to obtain it. This was not what I wanted for her I wanted her to be happy.

You have to take what shattered pieces of you that you have and remove those life situations to live your life more fully. All pain has to be embraced, all flaws accepted, all regrets uncovered, all of it. It doesn’t happen overnight and it doesn’t happen in your thoughts it happens outside of them. If you are with someone, male or female, it does take you to remove all forms of judgement, lies, etc. to be able to hear another! You can run from those that you feel are dangerous or you can stand your ground long enough to allow them to see themselves through your eyes. It takes this if you want to be in love, it takes this if you want to understand another, it takes this to heal inside yourself what you wish to heal in others. Love has no end of depth it only has the surface that you can see with your eyes and then sink to realize you will always float and be able to breathe more than you ever had. In general we continue to seek answers in others rather than seeking them inside ourselves. You will need to listen deeper to accept all things inside yourself before you will hear it in others!

♀ What blunts a women’s ability to see things for what they are is that we are seeing things that affirm what we want. Only after time passes, do we start seeing things for what they are. Generally, it is after a painful experience do we see the full extent of the distortion. We want to believe that what we are creating in the relationship is for the betterment of the person and ultimately the relationship. We don’t want to believe that what we created in the world could be distorted, diseased, or dysfunctional. It would mean accepting a definition of ourselves that is contrary to what we know of ourselves and what social and biological realities we face.

Communication style: Why can’t my he/she communicate with me so we can make this relationship work?

♂ A man will still pick up the communication habits of the father or mother or variables of both. It isn’t that he doesn’t love you unconditionally, but the place of love he experiences through sight keep him from hearing himself. If you never are able to communicate what your truths are, then you will play a role as you were taught or are willing to learn from your partner. This is how it has been and how it will remain until this core of thinking can be eliminated in either one. It is not something you have to repeat, it is not something you have to make as a choice to live your existence under this.

All those broken pieces that were me I had to pull together to create something out of it. I had to take the corpse I was and put something beautiful together out of it. I didn’t know where to start and I didn’t know where I would end up. I met someone who watched me go through this, something in her love in a friendship that was placed allowed me to be as honest with her as I hadn’t been with myself but in essence it allowed me to be honest with myself beyond anything I ever knew possible. You can change the vibrational love within you by this very acceptance of knowing something deeper is before you!

♀ The lack of self-awareness is gender neutral. From your insights, it seems that men learn a communication pattern from their environment and model that behavior that he was exposed to within that environment. Where, women adapt their communication styles based on situational experiences. Women learn earlier on that expressing ourselves releases some of the emotions that can create negative and maladaptive thinking if it’s unexpressed. As we go through relationships, we have expressed some of the painful emotions and cultivated a support base to keep us from repeating some of the pain we wanted to avoid. The difference is that we have outlets to express emotion and can synthesize the negative emotion and at least not repeat those same emotional triggers in the next relationship.

Often times, though, we keep trying to tell men what we want them to be, what to do, & how we want things; instead of just listening. If we just listened to men, we would let them get out their raw, pent-up emotion and let their truth emerge. In their truth emerging we might see our truth. If that isn’t aligned, we can begin searching for the person who is designed for us. In many relationships, I have failed to listen to what they were saying and I realized way down the line that it was an illusion that I assisted in creating. Their lies became my lies.

This is a very well thought out article with some interesting insights. It has made me stop and think, particularly back to the end of my marriage, and I’ve realised how true a lot of this is. My ex-wife tried to create a mould that suited her instead of listening to my needs.

At my end, I tried to please her too much. I bent a little too much. I compromised far too often. I gave an inch, and kept giving inches and she took miles. And in the end I gave up having an opinion because I knew that ultimately she would always get her own way. Whenever she asked me what I wanted, I felt toward the end that it was only so she could make change my mind to what she wanted and make it look as though it was always my idea in the first place.

Thank you so much for your thoughtful comments! Sorry you had to go through that! Unfortunately, there are women and men that seek to create their environment and include their husbands/wives as accessories or furniture in a room.

My friend… In giving of oneself so freely we actually become misplaced ourselves inside. In other words you became passive to her cause you agreed so much and did so much to appease her this was something you couldn’t see or experience for yourself. She saw this as something that was not what she experienced in her life and assumed you no longer wanted to interact to understand. Not sure if that is accurate but I did something similar. And from going inside myself I realized that is what I didn’t do for her. I didn’t give her the feeling of connection even what in me felt as understanding it was far from it! I couldn’t go back now and change that but what I did was remove myself from that role of playing I want to be who you need to be and you will be who I need you to be.. Ultimately you don’t know yourself to even know how to play such a role. It is undiscovered as long as you are with that person. It is like you said in reflection that who, want, when, where and need truly come more into focus. I am sorry for your loss my friend. Hopefully you are finding your way now to bring what is before you in knowing!

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