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5.30.2016

This is kind of a crappy update post, but where to begin? I have a few things to talk about in the upcoming weeks, actual posts with actual topics, but I've just been running around trying to play catch up in May. If you are on my Facebook you probably already saw the video I posted, but a week ago I started my job! You can watch the video to learn more about that, but suffice to say I'm ecstatic and over the moon, and the past week has been that brain-melting "new job" situation where I try to take in every tiny detail and learn in a manner similar to Tony Stark (it's just how I am.)

May hasn't been a bad month, hasn't been a good month, other than the job--it was mostly just a waiting month. Waiting on the job, waiting on pay, waiting for therapy, waiting to plant my garden due to the rain, waiting waiting waiting. I got a lot of nothing done, but that's why I love my camera. I tend to feel like I do absolutely nothing, until I pull out the photos to edit and realize I've actually gone and spent some time with the earth, which is extremely important for me.

5.13.2016

“There are two means of refuge from the misery of life — music and cats.”
―
Albert Schweitzer

I have no idea why I don't blog about my cats more often. It's a perfectly acceptable thing to do because cats are amazing and part of our families, but I saturate Facebook and Instagram SO HARD with my cats I guess I just feel like my followers already know them, see them, and get enough of them. But I have changed everything now by deciding to blog about Flemeth, my kitten. I have two other, older cats, who were both abused rescues and as such, they have the same personality as me: I will be in the same room with you, but leave me alone. I respect their space and take care of them, but due to their pasts and temperaments they are definitely not "family" cats. (They deserve a good home and lots of love even more for this reason.)

Anywho, as most people know I went through a mental unraveling last summer/fall. I was barely hanging on to sanity....("sanity") and though I haven't spoken much about it, one of the strange thoughts that popped up every so often amid the suicidal ideations and intrusive thoughts, was this feeling that I needed to mother something. I think it might be connected to those feelings of despair, or it might have just been my biological clock ticking--scary--but whatever, the two were happening together, along with 103,357,893,204,500.3 other thoughts and feelings. The idea of a kitten kept popping up and Derik kept vetoing it. (haha like I care)

One day shortly before Halloween, I had, thanks to my wonderful Lieutenant, gotten off work early. I had been a mess, crying and vomiting and shaking and useless. My nerves were frazzled and so I drove almost home, and sat in the parking lot of a grocery store, looking at the KSL pet ads. There was a little grey kitten whose big, bright eyes just sang to me and I impulsively messaged the seller (technically, the "giver"...the kitten was free.) I remember that the ad said the kitten was "for our dad for his birthday but he didn't want it." I had to free this little mammal from the undue stupidity of a moronic person who would give someone a kitten as a surprise present, and from someone else who would turn down a kitten, because how dare you.

“The smallest feline is a masterpiece.”
―
Leonardo da Vinci

The pickup was in Roy, Utah: a good 45 minute drive. I did not hesitate. Keep in mind I'm in some weird psychosis at this point, like sleepwalking but with intense emotions and this voice going BABY BABY BABY HAVE A BABY GET A BABY STEAL SOMEONE'S BABY BABY NOW. I had no idea what to expect or if I was doing something literally insane. And 45 minutes of that later, I walked in the house in my uniform and there was my baby, curled up and sleeping on a woman's chest.

After I held the kitten for a few I was ready to GTFO and go home. I was given a box and put him in it, but on the way to the car the kitten almost jumped out! He was crying in the most terrified little voice and did NOT like that box. I buckled myself in, put the box in the passenger seat, and drove to a nearby stoplight, listening to the sad, upset sobbing before I couldn't help it. I put my hand in the box to comfort him. Immediately he latched onto my hand and cried even louder. I had this thought of, "this cat is going to make me wreck on the goddamn interstate" but I picked him up and put him in my lap anyway. He went from yowling, screaming baby to purring, cuddly, nuzzly little fluff just like that. I know it sounds silly but it was an instant bond. He knew he was safe and I knew he was going to let me love him. I talked to that cat the whole way home, and he mewed and nuzzled me in reply.

I used to be afraid of being a mother to a baby because the life seemed so boring. How can you sit there with this tiny thing and coo and giggle for hours on end? I totally get it, I do, now. I have no fear of that time period. Sure, you go a little stir crazy, but I truly mean it when I say every moment since then has been wonderful with my little Flemeth. Sitting in my room and playing with this kitten kept me going through the holidays. My therapist has even agreed that the act of caring about something small and helpless which depended on me, was likely a huge factor in my slow and steady recovery over wintertime. There were days when I totally faked it and with zero enthusiasm cleaned his litter or bottle-fed him. But I never let the cat know I thought of him as a burden, I never yelled or got impatient. Which is shocking to me, because if you encounter me with people you'll know I have the patience of a true redhead=zero. But anyone who has a bond with an animal knows the feeling I can't exactly describe, this strange symbiotic relationship that benefits both--it truly is like we are family. And taking care of him is something I do with pure love, even if I am tired and crabby (which is a realm I live in). It showed me beyond a doubt that I do have a maternal instinct (even if it's only feline, ha!)

“What greater gift than the love of a cat.”
― Charles Dickens

This cat is no longer my little baby, but he's still mine, and I'm his. He greets me happily every single time I come home. He noses around my bedroom if I'm hanging out in there and the minute I leave for another room, he's right beside me, looking curiously at whatever I'm doing. He sleeps by my head. He doesn't really care for other people (I have no idea how this happened) but anyone can attest, he is crazy about me. I've never had a cat that treated me with anything other than tolerance and a mild contempt, so this was a nice change.

“I meant," said Ipslore bitterly, "what is there in this world that truly makes living worthwhile?"Death thought about it."CATS," he said eventually. "CATS ARE NICE.”
― Terry Pratchett

This is going to be the most ridiculous, crazy cat lady sounding part, but I don't care--this cat is one of the very few things keeping me from suicide. When I think about it, he is usually near me, looking at me with his little fluffy face. Or he's on my lap or batting a toy or nudging me for catnip. I think about how alone he would feel, and that incredibly excited roly-poly "mama's home" attitude he gets when I come back from a grave shift. How he will be sitting in the window watching me, waiting for me. Again, the other cats would probably adjust just fine to a prolonged absence, but other than his real mama I am the only constant this little thing has known and it breaks my heart to think of leaving him. I think about really morbid things--would Derik be able to pay the rent if I die? He'd be fine. What about those who might be traumatized? There are plenty of suicide-survivor therapy classes out there. What about the people finding my body? I'll figure out a way for minimal impact. But I won't get to hear Rammstein again - well, I've listened to them a good 10 years (haha, this is an actual thought...)

Anyway, then I always come back to Flemeth--would he ever understand the sudden disappearance of his redheaded cat buddy? Would he always look out the window or be waiting at the door, wondering where I went? Would he bond with another human? Call me crazy all you like, we've established that I am, but really, those are the thoughts I can never fix with excuses or cognitive dissonance. I think it's safe to say after sharing all of this that I love this cat. And though he also loves catnip, gravy, and eating Box Elder bugs just as much as he loves me, he does love me too.

“Authors like cats because they are such quiet, lovable, wise creatures, and cats like authors for the same reasons.”
― Robertson Davies

Let's talk about hair for a minute. When I first decided to do this I thought I'd make an entry every day, but the truth is, these hairstyles aren't that important or life-changing, haha. I also technically skipped a day today, but that was due to sleeping all day (grave shift, man....one week left!)

So I wanted to share the two styles I've done so far. I'll probably write again at the end of the week with the rest of them. But, I'm actually kind of annoyed with myself. Let me vent.

I always knew I didn't like to wear my hair up, but as it turns out, I am VERY insecure with having my hair up and away from my face (in anything but a bun...how??) I have no idea why this is; in the half-up rope twist, I stopped by my old work to give a coworker cookies I'd made for his graduation, and I fought every impulse in the car to tear the twist out and have my hair down. I mean, it bothered me so bad I legit got angry for a few hours. What the heck??? I skipped over every single possible half up/half down style I saw and liked, and only begrudgingly wore my hair in the side braid the first day. It really bothers me that I'm being borderline autistic about this.

For example, I (like everyone in the world) used to be scared of spiders. But that's silly, because spiders are not dangerous, their venom is overhyped here in the States, and things like car wrecks or carbon monoxide poisoning are far, far deadlier and happen all the time, but people never think of them with the terror they throw onto spiders. So I got over that fear by education and respect for the little dudes. Spiders are actually pretty damn cool. I like 'em. Why can't I reasonably think my way out of my fear of having my hair up? What is the problem here? There's no rational explanation and I anger myself! But after three days of this first world rage, I called it quits and said, you know what, it is what it is, I must be vain, and I can honestly say I have been like this my whole life--my mom told me that when I was a toddler she used to put my hair up in little bows and I would tear them out and started wearing a mixing bowl on my head as an alternative. Some things about ourselves just are, I guess. They are just there and we just have to deal with them. Mysterious and strange, but I haven't resorted to returning to the mixing bowl yet. I might though. You just never know.

Anyway, my preference for having my hair down or in a bun is probably a good thing, for two reasons. Firstly, I have attempted during the past week to French braid, and Dutch braid. (Already tried fishtail braiding awhile ago, haha, no, not happening, screw that.) I still suck at it and I have no patience for it. Almost 30 and not a braider. Oh well. I can't really make a lot of pretty styles without those. And secondly, I have to think about my upcoming job and the fact that I'll be (at least sometimes) wearing a respirator. I don't know how often, but I've already been fitted for it and let me tell you, those cute little side braids and twisty-ponies don't work with tight, face-forming rubber strips all around your skull, top and bottom. It's going to be a high bun every day, that's just how it is. I can accessorize with flowers, but practically speaking, it's no big loss that I can't do an elsa braid worth anything. When it comes to work=bun. When it comes to time off=hair down because I'm a nut.

Am I the only one with these hair dilemmas? I'm curious if it's just me who pulls out ribbons and goes for the mixing bowl....

5.08.2016

Firstly -- Add me on Twitter and follow me on Periscope! I despise snapchat but I'd REALLY love to start getting involved in Periscope and so far only a scant few bloggers I follow use it. :( Do you want to hear my long-winded southern-accented vulgar rants? Yes? Then follow me there! (I still suck at Twitter, not going to lie. But I'll accept it, if it means using Periscope.)

I'm a very low-maintenance person. This is evident if you've ever seen me at the store in my yoga pants, or if you read my low-maintenance makeup post, or if you hang out with me any given day. I'm never sure how often to talk about beauty here, but no time like the present, and I actually have a pretty good excuse right now.

See, I'm a beginner when it comes to styling my hair, and while I think my hair is pretty, it's also pretty boring (haha). It's either straight and down, or wavy and down, with my bangs rolled to the side. Repping this since 2014. I have always been self-conscious of how exposing updos are...I feel naked with my hair up! I worry about how they make my face look, as well as my big ears, and tiny head. I know I'm probably the only one who notices these things, but I'm just being honest! However, I have been inwardly nagging myself to try out some hairstyles for a few reasons other than getting out of my comfort zone. And they are not high maintenance reasons, as usual..they're more practical.

1. I got the job! This means working in a clinic, at a plant, and with a respirator. Gonna have to do something with all my hair.

2. Tangles. It's just that phase. It's a combination of sleeping with my hair down, the length it's getting to, and me not taking care of it enough lately (graves are killing me.) So I need to get it up or risk damaging it more.

3. Summer. Utah is a desert. I can always put it up in a bun, but I'd prefer some versatility for the months of heat ahead.

So I know it's short notice, but if anyone wants to join in I'd love to see! I'll be starting on Monday and trying some (very low-skill level) hairstyle, taking photos, and talking about them on periscope! I would love to see suggestions or have others try along with me. That's all until next time :D

5.04.2016

I know, a fashion post, are you lost?
I have always wanted to join this pretty cool feature on Deidre Emme's blog (I first saw it on Life of Bon, thanks Bonnie!) and was stoked when I got the email. Disclaimer, I am not an experienced fashion blogger or photographer (I literally bought a tripod three weeks ago) and so excuse the amateur photos.
Stick with me and I will figure this out! (Working graves =/= good lighting, just FYI.)

My name's Alex. I'm an EMT in beautiful Utah. I'm also a dual Swedish resident. I have a passion for writing, painting, and speaking my mind. I have PTSD. I play a lot of video games. This is my place for a little bit of everything that I love.