Learn the warning signs of someone who might become controlling or violent.

Get help. Talk to experts in relationship violence.

If your partner is controlling or abusive, it’s better to get help now than to wait. Controlling or violent relationships usually get worse over time.

Remember: if your partner hurts you, it’s not your fault.

What is relationship violence?Relationship violence is when one person in a relationship is abusive or controlling toward the other person – especially when they disagree about something.

Relationship violence is sometimes called dating violence, domestic violence, or intimate partner violence. In some relationships, both partners act in unhealthy or unsafe ways.

When many people think about relationship violence, they think about physical violence, like hitting or pushing. But people can use other methods to control their partners, like threats or insults.

Relationship violence can include:

Physical violence, like pushing, hitting, or throwing things

Sexual violence, like forcing or trying to force someone to do something sexual

Threats of physical or sexual violence, which may include threatening to hurt another person or a pet

Emotional abuse, like embarrassing a partner or keeping that person away from family and friends

If you feel controlled by or afraid of your partner – even if you haven’t been hurt physically – trust yourself. There are people who can help you figure out what to do next.

How do I know if my relationship is healthy?In a healthy relationship:

Both people feel supported, respected, and valued

The couple makes decisions together

Both people have friends and interests outside of the relationship

The couple settles disagreements with open and honest communication

Both people are honest about their feelings and needs

There are more good times than bad

Healthy relationships have problems, too. But in healthy relationships, both partners take responsibility for their actions and work together to make decisions and sort out the problems.

How do I know if my relationship might become violent?Relationship violence can start slowly and be hard to recognize at first.

For example, when people first start dating, it’s common to want to spend a lot of time together. But spending less time with other people can also be a sign that your partner is trying to control your time.

Try asking yourself these questions:

Does my partner respect me?

Does my partner blame me for everything that goes wrong?

Does my partner make most of the decisions in our relationship?

Am I ever afraid to tell my partner something?

Do I ever feel forced to do things that I don't want to do?

Have I ever done anything sexual with my partner when I didn’t want to?

Does my partner promise to change and then keep doing the same things?

What if I’m not sure if my relationship is violent?It’s okay if you aren't sure – you can still get help. Domestic violence agencies have counselors who are experts at helping people with questions about their relationships. You don’t even have to give your name.

Protect yourself online.When you look at information online, your computer keeps a record of sites you’ve visited. If you are worried that someone may search your computer, follow these Internet safety tips.

Get help.If you have questions or concerns about your relationship, there are people who can help. Start by calling the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (1-800-799-7233).

What about cost?Domestic violence agencies offer free services, like hotlines, counseling, and help finding resources such as housing or lawyers. To find an agency near you or to talk to a counselor over the phone, call 1-800-799-SAFE (1-800-799-7233).

Thanks to the Affordable Care Act, the health care reform law passed in 2010, insurance plans must cover screening and counseling for domestic and interpersonal violence for all women. This means you may be able to get these services at no cost to you. Talk to your insurance company to learn more.

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Page last updated:
Sunday, August 02, 2015