Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Knot Another Word...

KnottyLa's villainy began at an early age. As a child she would creep into her brothers' room and implant suggestions while they slept. Suggestions like "you will fear your sister and do her bidding" "you will worship your sister and cater to her every whim" "Speed Racer sucks. You would rather watch Little House on the Prairie because they named the lead character after your sister" and "you are a cute little bunny and LOVE carrots". Now, not being one to boast about her accomplishment, nor admit her failures, she would never tell you if her nocturnal manipulations ever took or not, but she would go as far as to suggest that all three of her brothers have excellent eyesight, and they tan very nicely.

While in her pre-teens, she came to the realization that doing all the work of her villainy was boring and time consuming, not to mention physically taxing. So she tortured enlisted her brothers as her henchmen, all without them knowing it. She always pitted the two against the third in her clever knavery. To this day, her minions, not unlike the Sith, always number two. No more, no less.

Her plan was going splendidly!

In high school, though she always auditioned for the lead, she was always cast..yep you guessed it...the villain. Sophomore year she went out for Cinderella, and was cast The Evil Stepmother. As a Junior she auditioned for Eliza Doolittle, and was cast as, well...Eliza Doolittle (there's no real villain in My Fair Lady). And as a Senior, Grease WAS the word, and La was Rizzo.

Once she became an adult, she realized that her wickedness must be subdued, else she could not function in society. So she did her patriotic duty and enlisted in the military, which was an excellent outlet for her. It provided a means in which to plot and stratregize, utilizing her excellent problem creating-then-solving skills while feeding her need for adventure and excitement, and she quite excelled.

However, La may, from time to time, when faced with "breaking in" a just-out-of OTC, barely wet behind the ears butterbar noob in the form of a fresh-faced 2nd Lieutenant, have been known to send said noob to base supply for a yard of flight-line, or to AGE to get an electronic pallet stretcher. Ahem...

Not all was smooth sailing on La's road to world domination. A few years back, Momoze, one of her 2 beloved feline minions, deserted her by succumbing to cancer. And since La must have 2 minions for her evil plan to work, all of her villainous activities ceased until she could find a new one. And Momoze, in his infinite wickedness, send her a dog as his replacement. A DOG! What good is a dog at evilness. I'll tell you...NONE WHATSOEVER. They're so honest and loyal and good-two-shoes, it made her sick. Nope. No 4-legged henchmen could ever aspired to the nefarious underhandedness as that of the feline persuasion. Besides, the lack of opposable thumbs had become quite a hindrance.

La wasn't born evil, you know...just merely wicked. However, it was the introduction novelty yarn to her life that made her truly evil. Now, she is completely merciless. While entertaining her remaining long-suffering cat with a laser pointer, instead of putting the "light of all amusement" away under a chair or behind a door, she just makes it vanish into thin air, perplexing poor tortured feline endlessly. Sassy has been known to search for her beloved light for hours afterwards. And it only gets uglier from there.

With maturity came subtlety and her desire for world domination. When no one's looking, she'll rough up the funfur in the bigbox stores, and then just leave it there for some other unsuspecting knitter to deal with. At her LYS, she's been known to take all but 1 ball of a dyelot even if she didn't need all of them.

And now...NOW she taunts unsuspecting knitters with beautiful yarns, and then updates her shops so infrequently and with such a paltry amount of yarn, that only the quickest, strongest and most determined survive the feeding frenzy. She is a master of misdirection. She mixes addictive substances into her dyes and creates colorways that visually addict her customers to her yarns, all the while distracting them from her true intent with witty banter, amusing anectdotes and biting snark. She and her two magnificent, malevolent minions have set the fiber world (excuse the pun) a-spinning, and they don't even know it...