A Day In The Life Of Kristen Stewart Wearing Gloria Estefan’s Pants

May 24, 2012

Una dia de feliz para hoy cual es jueves!

Welcome, internet travelers!

I have noticed a marked uptick in site traffic starting yesterday. Sure, I think a lot of people are out there scouring these webz of inter to read my previews for June’s movies, but there seems to be a reinvigorated blood lust of viewing pleasure for one article I wrote in particular and that in particular was from almost a year ago…

You may remember a paparazzi taken photo shoot of the Wantess running to what seemingly was a post-office to get her passport or something. In these glorious photographs K-Stew was wearing a black Phillies’ t-shirt, which is in stark contrast in fandom wise for the Orioles or the Dodgers or whatever other baseball teams she randomly wears paraphernalia of, and a pair of THE SKINNIEST JEANS TO EVER SKINNY!

I wondered why this was happening that a lot of people were suddenly clicking on that article. First, it is a good article. I think I have some rather whimsical lines in that article. If you don’t remember it then take a look yourself. It’s pretty pretty pretty pretty funny. Although, I am happy people are clicking on the old article and hopefully getting a chuckle or two as well as an eyeful a plenty of Stewart in the tightest pants of all time… what I begun to realize is that people were looking for Kristen Stewart in “pants”… just not those pants…

THESE PANTS!

They wanted to see Kristen Stewart in THESE PANTS!

Ahhhh… I get it, internet. I get it.

Yes, the Empress of Wanting IT has been strutting around the Cannes Film Festival in these PANTS(!).

You really have to admire Kristen for her dedication to fashion and to promoting the movie On The Road.

I mean Kristen Stewart actually went out and stole Gloria Estefan’s pants and wore them all around Europa as a sign of her thievery. Kristen Stewart is a pants pirate! She broke into the Latin singer/songwriters abode or adobe or condo or whatever and stole the glitziest pair of splatter art pants she could find before the attack chihuahuas got her.

You rascal, Stew.

Guy – Those are wonderful pants!

Kristen Stewart – I know. Thank you. I wanted them.

Guy – I didn’t know that Jackson Pollack made women’s pants. Or at the very least unisexual skinny jeans. Or pants for a tall and slender child.

Kristen Stewart – Her closet. Gloria Estefan’s collection of pants from her closet and these were from her 1993 world tour supporting the release of her album Mi Tierra, which in English translates to “My Tierra”. One of the better tours.

Guy – Hunh?

Deal with it, Estefan!

You’ve been Stewart-ed, Kristen Stewart-ed!

*Mumbling from the guy in the blue suit* (He looks like a mumbler. Tell me he doesn’t look like a mumbler!)

Kristen Stewart – Que? What? I can’t understand anything you’re saying because when I wear these pants all I can hear is Gloria Estefan’s magical tune “Reach” which was off her platinum selling album Destiny and was also the official theme of the 1996 Atlanta Summer Olympics.

Kristen hums a few bars of “Reach”.

Kristen Stewart – Also, you look like a dildo in that suit. And I don’t listen to dildos.

STEWART-ED!

KRISTEN STEWART-ED!

Ya big dildo!

TURN THE BEAT AROUND!

LOVE TO HEAR PERCUSSION!

TURN IT UPSIDE DOWN!

LOVE TO HEAR PERCUSSION!

LOVE TO HEAR IT!

LOVE TO HEAR IT!

LOVE TO HEAR IT!

LOVE TO HEAR IT!

LOVE TO HEAR IT!

LOVE TO HEAR IT!

LOVE TO HEAR IT!

TURN IT UP, TURN IT UP, TURN IT UPSIDE DOWN!

TURN IT UP, TURN IT UP, TURN IT UPSIDE DOWN!

TURN IT UP, TURN IT UP, TURN IT UPSIDE DOWN!

TURN IT UP, TURN IT UP, TURN IT UPSIDE DOWN!

TURN IT UP, TURN IT UP, TURN IT UPSIDE DOWN!

Motherfuc-adslkfj-er!

I bit my lip! I hate when I do that. I was just carelessly singing away and bit the inside of lip.

Now, it will never heal because I’ll subconsciously draw my teeth to bite it again and at the same time I won’t be able to stop licking it.

Damn you, Estefan! Now, I’m really glad I stole your pants!

Hmmmm… what else is there to do around here besides sing 90’s Gloria Estefan hits?

Where did Kirsten Dunst run off to?

Kirsten Dunst?

Where are you?

I want IT.

Where is that minx?

Hmmmm… Is she over this way?

Where is that Kristen with the Irsten?

Oh, there she is!

Right behind you. The sexy you who is reading this and staring directly into my WANTING IT eyes.

Yes, right behind you. Kirsten Dunst is literally right behind you.

Don’t believe me? Take a look for yourself.

Ahahaha… she’s not right behind you. I made you look though. I WANTED to make you look. So I could take a look at that sweet dumper you have. Yeah, that’s right. Dumper. It’s sweet. I want IT. And we have fun. We would have more fun if you would let me get my hands on that dumper of yours, but let’s go bag us a Kirsten Dunst first.

I’ll go walk over there and get her.

Dramatic hair throw.

Sun glasses engaged!

Stewart out!

Let’s walk guys.

Doo doo doo bee bee bee I’m walking through this splendid country.

Whoops.

Got sidetracked hunting Dunst. Signing some autographs for the fanzies.

Caught you looking at the ole’ Stewart Slammer back there. That’s what I call my dumper. The Stewart Slammer.

Stew Slam for short. Kind of sounds like a tennis tournament.

No, it’s cool. Take a picture, it will last… oh right you are taking a picture of my butt.

I’m having a great butt day in these Estefan pants. That woman knew what she was doing making these pants.

My butt feels like it is sitting on a throne of seemed leather and artistic glory.

I want IT for my whole body.

Do you want a mini fashion show… for the PANTS?!

Ok.

BAM!

The Stewart Slammer!

Sounds like my professional wrestling finishing move.

What what? In K-Stew’s butt butt?

BOOYAH!

Crotch shot of my, Kristen Stewart, crotch!

Technically, that could also be the Stewart Slammer. Once you’re in, you never get out. If you know what I mean.

And that is my ankle and foot.

I don’t think I have any clever names for them.

Maybe… the K-Stew… eh, whatever. It’s my fucking foot.

What was I doing again?

Right?! I was tracking a Dunst.

Hmmm… I see her. She’s right behind you again.

I want IT.

Kristen Stewart (KS) – Got you, bitch.

Kirsten Dunst (KD) – Hi, Kirsten Stewart. What did you say?

KS – It’s Kristen. I said… hmmm… nothing. I’m going to hold you pretty tight because that’s how I like it.

KD – You’re weird, Kirsten. Don’t my boobs look big today.

KS – They do and it’s Kristen.

KD – Kirsten, you have some silly pants on. Why do you wear such silly pants?

KS – I stole them. I stole them from Gloria Estefan because that’s what I do when I’m invited to other countries. I’m a wild child raised with a wolf. And it’s Kristen.

KD – You’re so tiny, Kirsten.

KS – Kristen…

KD – I could easily fit you in one of my many suitcases, Kirsten. We could travel together. You’re just so small that I think I could take you every where with me and no one would say a thing. How did you get this small, Kirsten?

KS – I want you to pronounce my name correctly. It’s Kristen.

KD – Kirsten, I’m not a big person. I am dwarfed by many of relatively average size. Did you see me in Spider-Man? I was a lot smaller than Tobey Maguire and no one has ever said, “Look at how huge Tobey Maguire is?!” So, you’re really quite tiny, Kirsten. It’s like you were made just for me to take around like a little doll and play with your hair and put you in dresses and have tea dates together and drink champagne and go to dances and fly all over the world and sometimes slum it at Coachella dressed as a homeless person. What do you think of that, my precious Kirsten?

KS – You’ve got a screw or two loose, Kirsten. But it’s Kristen and honestly a lot of what you said doesn’t sound too bad. Hmmmm… how long do we need to stand around here taking the same picture over and over again? I’m getting kind of bored.

KD – Me too, Kirsten.

KS – It’s Kristen. If you’re bored and I’m bored then let’s get my shades on and get out of here.

Um… You feeling better Jordan? Or didja take more cold medication than you shoulda?

Whatever, I enjoyed this even though my stoopid phone wouldn’t load the pictures. I’ll read it again on Monday when I’m back in the office in front of my super speedy office pc with extra large monitor screen, and just giggle all over again.

So thank you Jordan, for feeling better and overdosing on medication and giving me multiple giggles.