It's becoming increasingly difficult to push a conservative agenda when these wild things called statistics, history, facts, and not being an asshole keep getting in the way. A Republican slip: When you say "no new taxes" and mean only for your boss.

Sunday, January 29, 2012

The False Liberaltarian

There comes a time in every man’ life, where he must let go of childish things and stops being a fucking idiot – Harriet Tubman.

Libertarian n. – A pseudo-progressive who whose ideology is synonymous with the Tea Party, but refers to said TeaBaggers ignonimously.

Ron Paul. rEVOLution! Ron Paul 2012!

What RonPaulians today and the Paulistas of Rio de Janeiro share is the blind perpetuation of inequalities and regression under the guise of revolution and equality. The rationale of the average RonPaulian relies on 4 points: 1. Ron Paul wants to end our imperialistic, invasive foreign policy, while establishing a “golden rule” in matters of national defense (undoubtedly wears a WWJD bracelet).

2. Ron Paul said something about weed.

3. (Rick Perry supporters can stop at 2) End the Fed!

4. (covers ears) na na na na na, I CAN’T HEAR YOU!!!

I like Ron Paul. Whoops, I said it, but like is definitely a relative term in this instance. I think he’s an exceptionally intelligent individual, particularly when taking the rest of the GOP presidential field into consideration. However, I think Stalin, Hitler, Rand, Kaczynski, Bundy, Louis IVX, Zedong, Columbus, HIV, toxoplasma gonii, and Edward Nigma are all brilliant in their own right, yet they are still all assholes.

I have three main issues with libertarians.

1.They don’t know they’re libertarians, and thus refuse to admit they are assholes. They join in on the condescending epiteths by which we refer to Tea Party Republicans despite the fact the philosophy by which the Tea Party draws inspiration is laden in Ron Paul’s own history. They also somehow align themselves with a progressive movement, while the dogma of their philosophy is one of regression, from an evolutionary standpoint and from a political standpoint.

2.This is where the libertarians piss me the fuck off. rEVOLution?!?!?!?!

Ending the War on Drugs would save billions each year in federal dollars, as well as generate billions more if marijuana was legalized and taxed. Not to mention, this would free up our overcrowded prisons and stop proverbially feeding personal drug use gremlins after midnight and turning them into full-fledged sociopaths. Love.

Ending foreign wars. Yes we may pay for it at the gas tank, but it’s difficult to reason that bombing countries that about 80% of the population oppose our presence is the best way to prevent terrorist attacks on our soil, or promote the freedom of locals. Egypt. Bahrain. Syria. Libya. If the citizens want to change their government, they’re perfectly capable. Yes, ending foreign aid to some countries does seem rather selfish, but taking into consideration that only miniscule amounts of the aid we send make it to those who need it in the country, I can definitely see his point. What good is it to give billion dollars to help with famine if the local militants just use it to buy new gold-plated AK47s with a picture of Mickey Mouse on the clip? Do I think there should be an indefinite revocation of foreign aid? Hell no. However, we need more direct routes to those who need it, and ending our foreign wars does free up troops necessary for those deliveries, as well as adequate funds to aid those in need. Love.

End the Fed. Bernanke and the boys did nothing to prevent the economic collapse in ’08 and without much speculation, once can easily draw the conclusion that they were indeed an important part of its propagation. Paul is right in that we can’t keep printing money like it’s a Kardashian clothing line or a preschooler trying to learn how to spell his name. This unrestricted lending played its part in the creation of banks too big to fail and did nothing as predatory lending and credit default swaps spun us into a dismal twister that would make Helen Hunt’s dick hard. Love.

That’s all folks.

Is Ron Paul a racist? That may seem direct and accusatory, but because those 80s newsletters, I think it’s something that shouldn’t go unmentioned. Yes. I believe he is. However, I’m sure all the other GOP candidates are as well and despite what you may believe about yourself, go to this website <> and you may find some things out about yourself that you didn’t know where true. Ron Paul is a product of a different era, one where racism wasn’t condemned, nor was it even laissez-faire. Racism wasn’t blatant. It’s heuristcally programmed in his neuroanatomy and there’s nothing that is going to change that in his old age. But that’s not why I think he, and his followers are total dickwads.

Let’s go to each issue.

Gay marriage: Ron Paul believes that it is ridiculous that the government regulates marriage in the first place, leave it up to the church. While I agree with him, making a verbal agreement not to fuck anyone else and share your shit with somebody shouldn’t be legally binding, he is using this as a cop-out. He knows marriage will endlessly be regulated by the government, and in a Christian nation, homosexuals won’t have equal rights at the court house or the local preacher’s mansion… I mean church. No love.

Schools: Ron Paul thinks taxes are unconstitutional. Since this administration has the lowest revenue in the last 60 years, the rich are paying lower effective tax rates than in the day of Reagan, and billionaires are paying lower tax rates than school teachers, austerity is obviously not the way to go. Republicans have long cut funding drastically to public school funding, then used the poor functioning of the public schools as logic to privatize. It has always humored me that a parent will refuse to pay a higher tax rate to make public schools more functional, modern, and safe, but then spend MORE money on a private school, but wait they won’t make kids learn evolution there--something Ron Paul also doesn’t believe in. A study conducted found that countries with progressive tax rates are generally more happy. Would you rather be zillionaire in a country whose infant mortality rate is similar to that of the Ivory Coast and 41st internationally or a millionaire in a country with the lowest infant mortality rate? Trick question, you’re not a zillionaire, and America is 41st internationally. The fact of the matter is, America’s infrastructure is failing at an incredible rate, 50% of public schools didn’t meet federal standards, while 33% were deemed dangerous to students with respiratory issues. If you can’t afford private schools, no Love.

Disaster relief: Just as in foreign aid, Ron Paul rejects domestic aid as well. In shrinking the government down to the size of a quark, in a RonPaulian world, Joplin, who accrued over $1 billion in damage due to tornadoes, more than the entire town’s income combined in a year, would go wanting. Flooding in Vermont? Forget about it. Earthquake in Washington? Nope. Wildfires in Texas? The Rick Perry protocol. Damage in Virginia? Wouldn’t even hold aid hostage over the national debt like Cantor. Love?

Minimum wage, labor laws, and federal regulations: Unconstitutional. Before I continue, I want to mention that libertarians, or constitutional whores, make the leap of faith that a bunch of guys over 200 years ago, starting their first country, have more knowledge about government than we do using all of history as a reference. I guess this is the same group of people that believe a Grand Unified Theory of Everything was given to us over 2,000 years ago, so it makes sense. I digress.

This Tea Party, libertarian philosophy of labor without regulation and trickle-down economics is exactly why we have the federal regulations and tax codes in place today. Adam Smith, a brilliant philosopher of the early 18th century ** believed that markets could self-regulate and there would be an invisible hand that would hand out benefits to workers as a natural operation of the free market. Let’s ask this 19th century factory worker what he thinks of self-regulating markets and worker conditions, “Owwwwwww.” There it is folks. Unionization became a necessity because manufacturing conditions were unbearable, wages were insulting, and people worked insufferable hours to remain poor. This is what gave way to a middle class in this country. Nowhere in history has this Tea Party philosophy been successful in economic growth, handing out benefits to workers, or leading the way to less income disparity. What Ron Paul doesn’t take into consideration is history, and the fact that canon of capitalism is not now, and never has been to hand out benefits and fair wages. It has ALWAYS been unrestricted profit. Profit over people, that’s it. So if you’re occupying Wall Street under a libertarian flag, go home, find a copy of Atlas Shrugged, make sure to fold the papers nicely, then wipe your hypocritical ass with them. So in a way, the free market did regulate itself, by becoming so horrendous to the average person that rebelling became imminent and thus regulations were imposed.

Oh yeah, and he denies climate change is exacerbated by humans, despite consensus of about 97% of scientists worldwide.

3.All these RonPaulians have access to the internet.

So please, let libertarians be libertarians and assholes be assholes, but stop pretending there’s a difference. I have no problem with you being a selfish, delusional prick, but at least own up to it. And in the words of Shakespeare, “dare do all that may become a douche.” Ron Paul 2012.