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Date: Wed, 16 Feb 2000 08:37:53 -0500 (EST)
From: Internet Oracle
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Subject: Internet Oracularities #1149
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=== 1149 =================================================================
Title: Internet Oracularities #1149
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler
Date: Wed, 16 Feb 2000 08:37:53 -0500 (EST)
To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to
participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help"
in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)
Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message). For example:
1149
2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1
1144 67 votes 34nhk 3erf8 6jnb8 2mu85 7ddig 9hr95 28enk 2foi8 5hni4 7tid0
1144 3.1 mean 3.7 3.2 2.9 2.9 3.3 2.8 3.8 3.2 3.0 2.6
--- 1149-01 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Ross Clement
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> I am a 34 year old adult male. I have a bean stuck up my nose, well,
> a chick-pea actually, if you must know. I really don't want to go
> to the Emergency Room, it would be very embarrassing. How can I get
> this damn thing outta my nose???
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} *sigh* I won't ask you how it got there, since I'm omniscient and I
} already know. But honestly, supplicant, this happens every time you
} make hummos.
}
} Fortunately, you do have some options...
}
} [ The Internet Oracle's Top Ten Ways of Getting A Chick-Pea ]
} [ Out of Your Nose ]
}
} (10) Use an electric carving knife to remove your nose. When you get
} to the Emergency Room, no one will pay any attention to the chick-pea.
}
} (9) Withdraw $500 and go to the corner of Broadway and Main, where you
} will meet a "lady" named Yvonne, who has the reputation of being able
} to suck the nickel plating off a quarter. Tell her you want "a nasal".
}
} (8) Buy a plane ticket to Cairo. In the back alleys of Cairo, ask
} around and you will eventually find an incredibly ancient man named
} Hadeem, who is the last man living who can perform the ancient
} Egyptian mummification process. Have him use the iron hook used to
} remove a corpse's brain through the nose to remove the chick pea. Be
} *very* specific about what you want. He is hard of hearing.
}
} (7) Go to the local frat-house and tell the boys you'll buy a keg for
} whoever can stuff the most chick-peas up their nose. After the
} contest, proceed to the Emergency Room. It's far less embarrassing
} being one of 57 nitwits with beans up their nose than being the only
} nitwit with a bean up his nose. Whatever you do, don't forget to stop
} at the beer store on the way home.
}
} (6) Go to see your local gardening pedant. Tell him that you have a
} broad bean stuffed up your nose. He will argue that you couldn't
} possibly have a broad bean up your nose, as broad beans are far too
} wide to fit comfortably in the nostril. Bet him twenty dollars.
}
} (5) Two words: Nose weasels.
}
} (4) Try holistic, non-Western, non-judgmental medicine. An experienced
} acupuncturist knows exactly where to stick a needle so as to stimulate
} the right muscles that will force the chick-pea out like a cork from a
} champagne bottle. However, you may not like where the needle goes.
}
} (3) Use a Zen approach. Do not remove the chick-pea from your
} nose; you must remove your nose from the chick-pea.
}
} (2) Consult you nearest four-dimensional neighbour. If you ask nicely,
} he/she can simply step up a little ways, reach into the offending
} nostril and pull the bean out as simple as you please. For this
} gracious act, take him or her to the pub, buy him or her a beer and
} some pretzels. It's a lot of fun to watch these guys untie the
} pretzels.
}
} (1) If all else fails, you'll have to swallow your pride and go to the
} Emergency room solo. Defuse the situation with humour. When the nurse
} asks sternly why you have a garbanzo bean up your nose, start laughing
} hysterically, and say, "That's nothing! I saw the [insert favourite
} ethnic group here] guy coming around the corner with a watermelon!".
}
} You owe the Oracle some hummos (made by somebody else) and the number
} of a good ear, nose, and throat specialist.
--- 1149-02 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: krc@erythrea.wellesley.edu
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Are those females in all those porno pictures on the Internet
> real? Or are they just creations of computer generated picture
> programs?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Well, it depends on what you mean by 'real'.
}
} Some of the ladies you'll find on those web sites that no nice
} boy should be visiting are marvels of modern engineering technology.
}
} Tens of thousands of dollars have been spent producing mammaries
} more appropriate to a Jersey cow, their cleavage could fairly be
} described as "Silicon Valley", their lips (and, so I'm told, other less
} mentionable parts) are artificially inflated with collagen, their skin
} colour darkened by injesting all manner of chemicals, their hair
} peroxided to the extent that they almost look like albinos, their teeth
} have been polished, straightened, or simply replaced with plastic
} replicas, their eye colour modified by tinted contact lenses, their
} noses straightened, reduced, or, in extreme cases, tied in a knot, and
} if they have one more face-lift, they'll have a beard.
}
} And after the photo-shoot is over, there's usually a few hours of
} retouching in photo-shop before the result is posted on the web.
}
} Not much left of the original, eh ?
}
} In fact, that busty blonde in the 'interesting' pose with the
} baseball-bat, well, his name is George, and he's a 42 year old
} Vietnamese taxi driver from Detroit.
}
} Sorry to ruin your fantasies (or have I enhanced them ?)
}
} You owe The Oracle the phone number of that woman with the Great Dane.
--- 1149-03 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Mike Nolan
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Dear somewhat-un-German Oracle, I asked you this question earlier in
> German, and you must have hired a particularly anti-Teutonic
> incarnation that day, because the only reply I got was an insult in
> fake German. Anyway, for the benefit of the uneducated (that's not you
> at all, of course, merely the vast and unwashed collection of
> supplicants, incarnations and marmots that plague your life) I shall
> translate my question into English.
>
> Here's the original:
>
> Wenn die Erdachse senkrecht zur Umlaufbahn stehen wuerde, haetten wir
> denn immer Fruehling, Sommer, Herbst oder Winter?
>
> And the Uebersetzung ins Englisch:
>
> If the Earth's axis were perpendicular to its orbit, would we then
> always have Spring, Summer, Autumn or Winter?
>
> You may answer in whatever language pleases you, as I have several
> babelfish at my disposal. (And if they don't work, down the disposal
> they go!)
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} No, dear supplicant.
}
} We'd have Ingspr, Mersum, Umnaut and Terwin.
}
} You owe the Oracle season names that don't sound like Ikea products.
--- 1149-04 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Alyce M. Wilson"
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh Oracle most wise and great, whose knowlege is boundless, whose
> sexual prowess is unrivalled, whose speed at eating a bowl of cheerios
> is unmatched: If you are omnipotent (as you most suredly are) and
> Steve Kinzler created you... does that not make him omnipotent also,
> possibly even more so than yourself?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Nonono, no, *no*. Take the French and their TGVs
} for example. The trains weigh several (metric) tons each, never die of
} hepatic cirrhosis, and never grow a ridiculous moustache regardless of
} sex. Yet their creators, the French, weigh a mere 77 kg on average, die
} of hepatic cirrhosis (exactly once, on the average) and invariably
} sport ominous dark bristles on their upper lips, although admittedly
} some of them are just nose hair.
}
} Or, for another example, Douglas Hofstadter created the book
} "Godel, Escher, Bach" which was clever and entertaining and filled with
} insight into the nature of intelligence, well obviously it doesn't mean
} that Douglas Hofstadter is clever, or entertaining, or filled with
} insight into the nature of intelligence.
}
} Likewise, just because I'm omnipotent, it doesn't follow that my
} creator Kinzler is omnipotent as well.
}
} Really, if Kinzler was omnipotent, he wouldn't have to work so hard to
} make a living, he'd probably be a senior systems analyst or something
} easy like that.
}
} You owe the Oracle an omnipotent 'bot for replying to questions like th
} You owe the Oracle an omnipotent 'bot for replying to questions like th
} You owe the Oracle an omnipotent 'bot for replying to questions like th
} You owe the Oracle an omnipotent 'bot for replying to questions like th
} You owe the Oracle an omnipotent 'bot for replying to questions like th
} You owe the Oracle an omnipotent 'bot for replying to questions like th
} You owe the Oracle an omnipotent 'bot for replying to questions like th
} You owe the Oracle an omnipotent 'bot for replying to questions like th
}
--- 1149-05 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Dave Hemming
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oracle most horticultural, who could grow fields of orchids in the lint
> found in the bottom of a used sock,
>
> Why are peaches fuzzy?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Well, I have to take the blame for that one.
}
} You see, the various deities were assigned different aspects of
} creation, and, among other things, I got the stone-fruits.
}
} I'd just finished mangos, when Loki and Thor called round, and
} suggested we pop out to the pub for a quick one. We met up with
} Aphrodite, Athena, and some of the nymphs, one thing led to another,
} and, to cut a long story short, it was threee days later that a very
} hung-over Oracle staggered back to the creation site.
}
} Peaches have been out-of-focus ever since.
}
} You owe The Oracle an effective hangover cure.
--- 1149-06 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Dave Hemming
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Are there any dinosaurs left? I need to get the kid something
> special for birthday.
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
}
}
} Narrator: Hey kids! Are you bored?
}
} Birthday Kid: Piss off.
}
} Narrator: Well you don't have to be bored no more because Veets-co,
} makers of Squirrel-b-ded, the magic flying locust, and "Smile Flavored
} Hello!(tm)" present Dino-in-a-pill!
}
}
}
} Narrator: That's right! With Dino-in-a-pill, you can have prehistoric
} fun any time you want! Just drop the pill in a bucket of water and in
} just minutes...
}
}
}
} Narrator: You can have a "REAL" dinosaur in your own back yard!
}
}
}
} Narrator: With five different species to choose from, it's a party
} waiting to happen!
}
}
}
} Narrator: Nothing is more fun than having your own pet dinosaur!
}
}
}
} Narrator: So order your Dino-in-a-Pill today!
}
} You owe the Oracle "Nymph-in-a-pill."
--- 1149-07 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: krc@erythrea.wellesley.edu
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh Great and virile Oracle, why is it called menopause when it's
> something women get?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} 10) Because the term LEAVEMEALONEDAMNIT was taken by some domain
} name squatters
} 09) What is really scary about the term 'menopause' is that it's
} an anagram for 'enema soup'
} 08) 'Femalopause' sounded too much like an antibacterial soap
} 07) 'get'? It's not a disease young man, damn it's hot in here
} no, wait it's too cold...
} 06) They were going to call it "ThankGodNoMorePeriods", but that
} was too obvious
} 05) Menstruation pauses, D'oh!
} 04) It rhymed with Santa Claus, which seemed important at the time
} 03) PermanentlyLimpism didn't seem to apply as well to females
} of the same age, so they came up with another term for women
} 02) Plato had dibs on all variations of plays on the term
} 'dry cave that isn't what it seems'
} 01) Men decided to give the event a lame name hoping it would
} discourage females from longing a time when they be free
} of The Curse
--- 1149-08 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Tim Chew"
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Doesn't sadomasochism highlight a problem with The
> Golden Rule of 'Do unto to others as you would they do
> unto you'?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Spank me, and I'll answer your question.
--- 1149-09 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly"
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Awe-inspiring Oracle, you are far wiser than me,
>
> How can I be sure to get a job I'll like as much after
> the tenth year as I do on the first day?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Take a job you hate.
--- 1149-10 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: krc@erythrea.wellesley.edu
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Is 1+1 always 2?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Oh, come on, supplicant. Every schoolchild knows that one plus one
} equals ONE, not TWO. You're telling me you were unaware of this fact?
}
} Oh, I get it. You're one of those skeptical types who wants
} "evidence" for everything. Right. Well, here you go, FIVE proofs
} that 1 + 1 = 1:
}
} ======================================================================
} 1. The Algebraic Proof
}
} Let: a = 1
} b = 1
}
} a = b
} a^2 = ab
} a^2 - b^2 = ab - b^2
} (a + b)(a - b) = b(a - b)
} a + b = b
} 1 + 1 = 1
}
} ======================================================================
} 2. The Algebra Teacher's Proof
}
} OK, everyone, now open your textbooks to page ... 103. No ... 102.
} There, now, oh, uh...
}
} Alright, now first let's review yesterday's lesson. Now, to prove
} that one plus one equals...
}
} Why isn't the overhead projector working?
}
} Oh, I see. [plugs it in]
}
} Now to prove that...
}
} Oh. Alright, let me get a new bulb. Just a minute.
}
} There.
}
} Now, first we see that:
}
} a^2 + b^2 = c^2
}
} Oh, uh. Let me get the right book out...
}
} Now first-
}
} Kevin, I've warned you about that once already.
}
} Now, first we see that:
}
} a = b
}
} Then:
}
} a + a = a + b
}
} No, wait.
}
} OK, we see that:
}
} a^2 = ab
}
} And-
}
} What, are we out of time already? Alright, we'll continue tomorrow.
} Your assigned chapters are on the board, just below the "Algebra is
} Fun!" sign.
}
} ======================================================================
} 3. The Algebra Teacher's Proof (Whole Math)
}
} OK, everyone, now arrange your desks in this pattern show here... No,
} wait, uh, this pattern.
}
} Good, now take a look at this stylized drawing of a "1..."
}
} 1
}
} Now, see when I...
}
} Oh, uh, I think I need a new bulb. Just a minute...
}
} Now, see when I draw these arrows, like this...
} |
} \|/
} --> 1 1
} | \|/
}
} There, now we see how a set can both contain and not contain a "1..."
}
} Now, the point is, uh, what is point? Uh...
}
} Oh, are we out of time already? Alright, we'll continue tomorrow.
} Your assigned Group Activities are on the board, just below the
} "Whole Algebra is Fun!" sign.
}
} ======================================================================
} 4. The Political Proof
}
} POLITICIAN #1: Look, all I'm saying is that your claim isn't true.
} You can't say that without me calling you on it.
}
} POLITICIAN #2: How do you know that it's false?
}
} #1: Look, I *know* you aren't Luke Skywalker.
}
} #2: That's typical Washington Insider reasoning. I'm an outsider
} here. My campaign isn't crawling with lobbyists telling me that
} I'm not Luke Skywalker. Maybe you should listen to the American
} people more.
}
} #1: Can you prove that you are Luke Skywalker?
}
} #2: Why don't *you* prove that I'm not?
}
} #1: Well, if you can be Luke Skywalker, then I can be Han Solo.
} And good can be evil. And positive can be negative. And one
} plus can equal-
}
} #2: *I'm* not the one going negative. I promised a positive campaign.
} And stop interrupting me.
}
} #1: You're the one being negative here.
}
} #2: No, *you* are.
}
} #1: Am not.
}
} #2: Are too.
}
} #1: Am not.
}
} #2: Are too...
}
} ======================================================================
} 5. The Religious Proof
}
} ... for the LORD GOD called upon ME to tell YOU, yes YOU, that
} math-AH-matics is of SATAN! Yes, SATAN! For the NUMBERS THEMSELVES
} are of the BEAST, the most FOUL and CRUEL of SATAN'S MINIONS! For ALL
} the NUMBERS can be CREATED with THREE SIXES! THREE SIXES, I say! Now
} look upon this PROJECTION from GOD ABOVE ...
}
} Why isn't the overhead projector working?
}
} [to projector] If you believe in the LORD, be HEEEEEEAAAALED! [thump]
}
} There, now the LOOORD JEEESUS ALMIGHTY has shown me that:
}
} 0 = (6 - 6) / 6
}
} Yes, SIX minus SIX OOOVER SIX. Why, the FORNICATION, the FILLLLLTH...
} the BEAST HIMSELF has CREATED this number from the PITS of the DAMNED.
}
} And look NOW, LOOK if you DARE to ALLOW YOURSELF, UPON THIS projection
} from GAWWWWWWWWD HIMSELF:
}
} 1 = (6 / 6) ^ 6
}
} YES, SIX over SIX to the SIXTH power. Can you feel the POWER of
} JESUS, I ask? Can you? For if you CANNOT, the TEMPTATIONS of SATAN
} will OVERCOME your SOUL, and YOU will be DAMNED TO THE INNERMOST
} CIRCLE of HELL. Speaking of circles:
}
} sin(pi) = (6 - 6) / 6
}
} Yes, the SIN of the BEAST is WITHIN every CIRCLE! The EVIL is WITHIN-
}
} What, are we out of time already? Alright then, we'll continue next
} week...
}
} ======================================================================
} You owe the Oracle a suffusion of yellow.