"Do as I say, not as I do." It's the primary directive of every parent, chain-smoking doctor and well over half the members of Congress and you can now add the Fantasy Golf Report to that list as the ability to stay out of my own way has completely escaped me. Last week I ranked Henrik Stenson #1 but justified not picking him because I thought he was going to win a tournament that won't be played for another eight weeks. Instead I decided to go a bit rogue and pick Brooks "Ooh my rib, it's broken" Koepka who promptly withdrew after eleven holes on Sunday while Stenson pocketed a fat second place check (which would have been a winner's check if he hadn't putted like an over-caffeinated lumberjack).
Apparently I was the only one who didn't get the memo that Stenson was a lock as half of the forty-seven players in my one and done league picked him along with 42% of the players in the Golf Channel's fantasy golf game.* And again it should be noted that I'M THE ONE WHO WROTE THE DAMN MEMO TELLING EVERYONE TO PICK HIM!!! To quote Bill Murray from Stripes, "what the hell's the matter with you?!? Stoooopid!" But I can't dwell on that. I have to move forward and, continuing with the theme, be the great American golf forecaster that is inside of me.

"Who cried when Tom Watsonlost the British Open?"

Of course that's not going to be easy this week as we head to a TPC course which means that any random Ben Curtis, Martin Laird or Steven Bowditch can win it (seriously, those are the last three winners). To make matters even more difficult, this tournament has only been played at TPC San Antonio since 2010 so any intel that preceded that (like Zach Johnson's back to back wins in 2008-09) is suspect. With those excuses now part of the record, I feel completely confident in advising you to pick Matt Kuchar for the following three reasons: (1) His last three finishes at the Texas Open are T4th, T22nd and T13th and that is about as solid and consistent a track record as you're going to find on this random result producing course; (2) He is a mortal lock to win at least one tournament a year and he hasn't put one on the board since the RBC Heritage last April so he's due; and (3) It feels like he's not quite keeping his head above water in the steadily rising talent pool of guys like Jordan Spieth, Dustin Johnson, Rory McIlroy, Bubba Watson, Henrik Stenson, Jason Day, Jimmy Walker, Patrick Reed (you get the picture) so you might as well take a shot with him at a tournament where those guys either aren't in the field or might not be giving it their undivided attention. For our sleeper pick this week we're going with Daniel Summerhays because we love guys with names that make them sound like an evil rich kid from a John Hughes movie. If only his first name was "Blane." Beyond the name thing, Summerhays was a runner-up in San Antonio last year and recently finished T10th at the Valspar and T17th at the Honda Classic which is good enough for us. Now do what I do . . . and pick who I pick . . . and make me proud.

Last Week's Report Card: B

I said refer to the footnote dammit!
(Sorry. Still have my vacation hangover and I'm a tad more ornery than normal).

* Kudos to the Golf Channel for providing a free on-line game that actually makes sense (unlike Yahoo's) and requires at least a modicum of critical thinking (unlike PGATour.com's). My only issue is that they occasionally attach an LPGA event to it in an effort to prop-up viewership of the tournaments they show on the weekend when they get bumped-off the PGA coverage by the networks. That's fine but no one really has any clue about LPGA players so it's mostly a guessing game as opposed to the exact science proffered on this website. And that brings us to this week's FGR temptress - Sandra Gal from Dusseldorf, Germany who is currently the 48th ranked player in the world and our pick in Group 3 of the Golf Channel's game for the upcoming Kia Classic that I might actually tune in for now that I have a rooting interest. (I am such low-hanging fruit for TV marketing).