When you are in a relationship one experiences both the good and bad of it. The Joy, the happiness, the anger and the anguish.

Different emotions which are felt at the various stages of your life as you experience help one grow. Even though certain emotions that you feel may be more intense then the other it is necessary to work through each and every one of them to be able to fully understand why they were there in the first place.

In this installment I will be focusing on these two emotions Anger and Frustration and how it can hamper or strain a relationship if not dealt with properly.

Crying and screaming are inborn mechanisms which a child uses to deal with it’s negative feelings. As he grows older he is able verbalize better and may start using words to express how he feels on top of showing it in his actions.

It takes time to learn how to handle the different emotions and our kids look towards us to teach them the skills to deal with their own outbursts. They look upon us as mentors on how to deal with the anger and frustration they feel therefore it is all the more important we need to model the correct behavior.

ANGER

A strong feeling of annoyance, displeasure, or hostility. It can drive a person insane at times and behave irrationally.

Frustration

The feeling of being upset or annoyed as a result of being unable to change or achieve something.

The kids and I experienced watching a parent behaving badly at a car park a few months back. A father was shouting at the top of his voice at his crying toddler. He was using vulgarities and threats on him while the elder kids and his wife were looking on. It was really appalling behavior and the kids and I were starring at the spectacle that was happening in front of us.

I rushed the kids away from the scene as I didn’t want them to witness more awful language and behavior. While we were walking away I took the opportunity to explain to them what they saw was a parent who was behaving extremely badly in public and shared with them my thoughts on such an awful display.

I told the kids that even though the child may not be on his best behavior and may have done something wrong it is no excuse for the parent to vent his anger and frustration on him and embarrass himself and the child in the process.

It is NOT OKAY. Even though it is valid to feel angry because the child is misbehaving it is NOT OKAY to misbehave yourself. Two wrongs doesn’t make a right and the parent was not showing a good example on how to behave properly.

Harsh/vulgar words should never be use on others as it will only cause the other person to feel resentment toward them and that is why I will not use them especially on the kids even when I am angry and disapprove of their behavior.

Threatening to “throw away the child” and saying words like ” I regret that you were ever born” really feels like putting a stake through the child’s heart and should never have been said. There is no way to take back words once they have been blurted out from the mouth.

It doesn’t make the situation any better and only works to increase the tension and anxiety of that both parties feel. By behaving in such a way ,the parent shows that he doesn’t love the child enough as he doesn’t take into consideration the child’s feelings. There has been a communication breakdown and nothing is being done to repair it.

The parent has inflicted irreparable damage to the bond that he has with his toddler and indirectly showed to the other older kids that by being menacing you can force others to behave the way you want them to and make them submissive due to fear.

He showed the wrong notion that is okay to take out your frustrations on kids when you are an adult. He didn’t address the root of the problem and the issue that he had with the toddler were left unresolved while he taught bad behavior to the other kids.

This is certainly not the way a parent should be behaving!! ( Recalling the scene that I witnessed reminded me that I too need to pay attention to my feelings of anger and frustration least I end up a Monster parent like him.)

No doubt handling a child throwing tantrums is challenging it is not an excuse for the parent to take it all out on a child and belittling him in the process. I know first hand that it can be frustrating being unable to get the child to stop throwing a tantrum. The child is unable to communicate well how he feels and cries and screams non-stop. Nothing that you do seems to be able to pacify him and the situation only magnifies as the seconds tick away.

It is never easy dealing with a whiny/ screaming toddler but by showing your anger it doesn’t make the situation any better. Instead it is a clear indication of you been defeated in handling it.

The kids have felt the brunt of my anger and frustration before and they do know the reason why I have behaved in such a way and even shouted at them at times. I know that I’m not perfect and sometime fail to curb my own anger at times.

However as I learn from my failed experiences I gain tolerance and also show the kids how to validate their own feelings without causing hurt and harm to others.

8 Comments

ForeverfriendsOctober 22, 2014 @ 6:51 pm

This is a burning topic. It is really frustrating especially dealing with a child who turns a deaf ear to your words or doesn’t respond to your words, till you are at the top of your voice. My boys, especially the elder one is such. He even talks back. At times, he tested me beyond my limit till I explode but I never swear as this is seriously wrong and it definitely affects what comes out from a child’s mouth.

@Shook,
It is never easy for us especially when the kids can be really stubborn. What I have learned so far that by talking softer and focusing on one bad behavior at a time makes it easier to help the child correct it.

ForeverfriendsOctober 25, 2014 @ 4:51 pm

It’s good that talking softer works on your kids. My senior doesn’t. A few times, my sister in law could not stand my senior ignored my soft talk till she stepped in with harsh approach and loud voice. She has loud voice. And, my senior obeys.

What helps me (sometimes!) when dealing with a whiny toddlers or (now) kindergartener, is to understand their developmental levels. A lot of times I see a meltdown being the result of something – too much sensory input, hunger, exhaustion – and understanding that makes it a little easier to cope with.

There are times Matthew behaves too much. There are times I lost my temper and really say harsh words on him but in the end, I felt guilty and think that he is just a toddler and it is normal to behave like that on his age.

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