Monday, February 26, 2007

Shopping for Toilet Paper

Today I found myself at the grocery store shopping for toilet paper, or as college kids or anyone else who seems to get embarrassed with these kind of things like to call it, T.P. I always dread the toilet paper shopping trip.

I'm always amazed how many types of paper are available for, well, wiping yourself. I don't think I've once purchased the same brand and type of toilet paper. As I walk into the aisle, I try to convince myself that it's not as hard as it seems, but it always is. Time seems to slow down as I stare into the vast sea of white rolls. It doesn't help that the stock boys like to put paper towels right next to the toilet paper. Maybe it's their little way of getting back at the man. I haven't yet brought home paper towels when I meant to bring home toilet paper, but I don't doubt that a day like that lurks in my future.

As I study the different types of packaging, I try to figure out if 24 regular rolls is better than 12 big rolls, and if 12 big rolls is better than 6 jumbo rolls, or is it better to have a bear on the front of the packaging which apparently indicates that it's going to be soft. I don't know about you, but if a bear were near that part of my body, I would need some toilet paper. It seems it's never possible to buy just a 4 pack of toilet paper, it always has to be a 24 pack, indicating to cashier that you probably never leave the bathroom.

Then there's the question of how you carry the toilet paper out to your car? Do you proudly tuck it under your arm and walk through the parking lot with your chest out, showing the world that your not ashamed of pooping. Or do you put it in a cart? How much does a package of toilet paper weigh....maybe a pound? Do you really need a 4 wheel cart to transfer something that weighs a pound?

Today I went with the 12 big rolls and choose to proudly tuck it under my arm on my walk to the car, oh, it also had a bear on the front. When I got home, I opened the toilet paper and I got a whiff of, well, it smelled like flowers. What I didn't realize until I got home is that I had purchased scented toilet paper, I happened to get Winter Berry Breeze. It made me wonder what my other options were when it came to toilet paper scent. Could I have purchased toilet paper that smelled like, I don't know, the ocean? That's a smell I like. Why does the Winter Berry Breeze scent smell like flowers? Is it because we can't buy fresh flowers in the winter. Shouldn't they call it, "Smells like flowers"? Can one buy the Winter Berry Breeze scent in the summer? Who wants to be reminded of winter in the summer? It also made me wonder what happens when you combine the scent of flowers and....um, well.....poop.

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About Me

A quick little bit about me...I'm an airline pilot living in the Minneapolis/St Paul area. I dabble in writing and am working on publishing on my debut novel. I also moonlight as a charter school bus driver. I'm married to my wife Erin, and we have a beautiful daughter named Amelia, although sometimes we call her Lady A. I'm a pretty happy guy, I guess that's why "they" call me Smiling Paul.