Going out with more than four people sucks. No more birthday meals, no more ‘celebrations.’ They suck. –BA Special Projects Editor Scott DeSimon

Given the quote above, I’m clearly not the only misanthrope on the Bon Appetit payroll. I’m also not the only one who finds going out to dinner with a large group of people stressful. When you extend the group past four, all sorts of issues pop up, from determining the seating to worrying whether the food will arrive all at once to splitting the check. As a certified curmudgeon, I’m kept up at night by things like these.

Restaurants hate large groups. I’m not talking about parties that have been arranged in advance with set menus and deposits and all that. I’m talking about a group of 12 that descends upon the restaurant unannounced. The kitchen gets stressed, the servers freak out, and the group rarely walks away happy. I saw a story a while back about a group of 47 college kids who showed up without a reservation. The restaurant accommodated them, but at the end of the meal they all asked for separate checks. 47 SEPARATE CHECKS! If I were the general manager, I would have called the police. Not because the group committed any crime, but because I would have been moments away from hurting someone with an immersion blender.

When I go out to eat with a large group, my biggest problem always occurs when the check arrives. The BA Foodist, a.k.a. the magazine’s restaurant and drinks editor, Andrew Knowlton, says splitting the check evenly ”is for teenagers.” Sorry, Foodist, but I disagree–partly. As a former server, I know how much of a hassle it is to split checks on multiple credit cards. In that respect, Knowlton is totally right. In fact, I applaud the restaurants that limit check-splitting to two credit cards. If you know you’re eating out with a large group, it’s your responsibility to hit the ATM ahead of time and grab some cash. But I disagree that diners should have to split a bill evenly when they’ve all ordered different amounts. It’s perfectly fair to expect individuals to pay just what they owe and not split everything equally like at some Communist tribute banquet. If my buddy orders three $15 cocktails and I opt for water, why should I have to subsidize my friend’s drinking problem? I’m not saying I want to split checks down to the penny, but come on, let’s all pay our fair share.

Tipping is another sticky issue when it comes to dining in a big group. My problem arises when everyone ponies up for their portion of the bill, I leave a nice tip, and the server ends up getting 15 percent anyway. What happened to that extra money I threw in? Did it just disappear into the wallet of a cheap friend? I sure hope not. You know when I don’t have to worry about stuff like this? When I eat with a normal-size group of people. I won’t get into situations where the gratuity is included in the bill, but let me just say that I think large groups should add extra cash onto the tip if it’s not set at 20 percent (or whatever level you usually tip). Servers work harder when they have to deal with large groups, and they should be handsomely rewarded for their efforts.

Luckily, I have the perfect solution to this whole group-dining mess, and it doesn’t involve tipping, check-splitting, or reservations. It’s simple: If you’re going to eat in a group, do it at home.

Want to weigh in on the group-dining discussion? Let me know your thoughts in the comments below.

Based in Los Angeles, Jason Kessler has written for television shows such as NBC’s The Office, True Jackson, VP on Nickelodeon, and The MTV Movie Awards. Photo by Matt Armendariz.