Nov 23 A Little Bit About Me

I’m Hannah, and until recently I was just your run of the mill 36 year old; married, owner of two Chihuahua’s who are my children, lover of fashion (ok utterly obsessed and bona fide shopaholic whose husband gets seriously annoyed with the amount of ASOS packages that arrive each week), beauty and skincare addict, interior design lover, eats way too many crisps, living my best life in a lovely new home in the suburbs of Manchester. I am also a mother, but my journey of motherhood is a little different to most.

I gave birth to my beautiful boy, Billy, on 29 August 2018 but I never got to bring him home. Following a healthy pregnancy, Billy was stillborn at full term after I had gone into labour that morning. The shock and devastation is something I could never have prepared myself for. Our hearts are shattered into a million pieces, yet bursting with love for our son in a way that we could never have imagined.

I honestly to this day still find myself having moments of ‘was any of this real?’, ‘did that actually just happen, is my baby, my son, really dead?’ ‘Was I ever even pregnant?’ The answer to these questions is a soul crushing yes. Your beautiful baby did die I’m afraid lady and you now need to learn to navigate and process this new life you have found yourself in.

And so my blog is born. I have always wanted to write, for as long as I can remember I have said one day I will write a book or a blog or anything really! But I am lazy and sometimes full of self-doubt, who would actually be interested in anything I have to say?! Perhaps other members of the club that no one wants to join; people affected by baby loss. Or maybe fellow fashion and style lovers? Or ladies on the hunt for the latest beauty and skincare finds? People who love to make a house a home, or all of the above!

I also love to travel and have been fortunate enough to visit some incredible countries and cities with my hubby, so you can expect a sprinkling of travel in here too. And food! I am a sucker for an overpriced poncy tasting menu that costs almost an entire month’s mortgage payment as much as I am a dirty five napkin burger.

I struggled to find relatable content when I first lost my son outside of the charity websites and was met with scores of heartbreaking accounts of baby loss but not much on how life goes on following loss and in the midst of this gut wrenching phenomenon they call grief. I want to document how I learn to piece my life back together and navigate this new narrative of motherhood after such inexplicable loss in the hope that it will help others who find themselves in this position and help to break the silence around baby loss. It is not a swear word or an unspoken subject, trust me you cannot begin to imagine how much it breaks a bereaved mothers heart when people refuse to acknowledge their lost children or what they have been through.

My love for writing began when I was really young. My first experience of this was when I was about eight years old and had to write a poem, for some reason about apples. I don’t even particularly like apples (unless it is apple crumble smothered in custard). Anyway, I wrote a lovely little poem about an apple tree and did a drawing of the said apple tree with my poem written over the top of it. Sounds lovely eh? Well it was and it was pretty good, so good in fact that the teachers accused me of plagiarising it from a poetry book. Erm not guilty! I don’t remember how they discovered I had written this poem myself or how I had such a good command of alliteration at the age of eight but I was proud of my work (and also pretty pissed off at being called a poem thief by the teachers). So after all these years I’ve finally gotten over apple-gate and am putting pen to paper again; don’t worry though this blog will not contain any content about apples and probably not any poetry either.

Me & The hubby (AKA Mr Protein)

So there you have it, a quick intro to the sorts of things you can expect from me. I hope that my blog will offer support to others affected by baby loss and will show the world that those of us rocked by the tragedy of losing a baby are still normal people. You don’t need to be afraid of us, we don’t bite and you can talk to us about our children in the same way you would if they were here with us. We want you to- talking about them makes us happy, they aren’t some taboo subject that you must not mention in case we throw ourselves into a heap on the floor. Spoiler alert, although we definitely have very sad days, most of us do not just sit around in our dressing gowns, with unwashed hair sobbing all day long. Just occasionally. We are still normal, still the people we were before. Our lives have just changed a little, but we’re still in there.

Most Recent Post

Instagram

Friday feels! 🛁 Mindfulness comes in many forms and spending an hour in the tub with a book a few times a week and a few luxury bath products might sound simple but it does me the world of good. Anyone else want to drink my bath? 💖 .
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
#bathbomb #bathroomdecor #cornersofmyhome #mindfulness #selfcare #bathroom #homedecor #interiordesign #lifeafterloss #babylossawareness #bloggersofinstagram #lifeafterbabyloss

A year ago today we said goodbye to Billy for the last time. At 1pm we held a very small intimate funeral for our son, a task no parent should ever have to endure. I recall thinking afterwards that although the service was lovely, it was the second worst day of my life (the day I was told he’d died will always hold that award, hands down). It was a beautiful, sunny day but it could have torrentially rained all day for all I cared. I fit the soap opera stereotype of a grieving mother perfectly. Chic little black dress, huge Chanel dark sunglasses and hair in a sleek ponytail as I mustered up some serious inner strength to get through this. I clutched onto one of Billy’s teddies in one hand, my husbands with the other whilst my mom held onto my arm the whole way through. The surrealness of being inside a hearse with a tiny white coffin with your child inside still sits with me to this day. I felt dizzy and sick and just remember reading the little name plaque on the coffin over and over again trying to calm myself down. It felt like I was having an out of body experience and sometimes, it still does. I watched as my husband carried the tiny coffin in his arms to the stand, a mixture of pride and heartbreak in equal measures. No daddy should ever have to do that and no mummy should ever see it. We listened to the John Lennon song “beautiful boy” because he was. So so beautiful. ❤️ I have always loved this song, especially the line on this post. None of us could ever begin to plan for something like this, not in our worst nightmares. .
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
#babyloss #babylossawareness #babylosssupport #babylosscommunity #babylossmamas #babylosssurvivor #stillborn #stillbirth #stillbirthawareness #stillbirthsupport #stillbornstillloved #stillbirthbreakthesilence #lifeafterloss #infantloss #infantlossawareness #pregnancyloss #grief #griefsupport #grievingparents #grievingmother #bereavedmother #bereavedparents #oneyearwithoutyou

I forgot to share this last week but here are the leaves with the babies names who were taken too soon floating away on Billy’s birthday. The intense gale force winds made this task so much fun. 😂 We managed to have a lovely day on what should have been his birthday and had a very peaceful and relaxing week in our little cottage in Wales. I held it together really well (the days running up to it were much harder) and I’ve been expecting it all to catch up on me this week and hit me hard, but it really hasn’t. I’m feeling more positive and happy than I have done in ages. I guess it’s onwards and upwards from here! 🙌🏻💙🧡⭐️ .
.
.
.
.
.
#babyloss #babylossawareness #stillborn #stillbirth #stillbornstillloved #babylosscommunity #babylosssupport #babylosssurvivor #infantloss #infantlossawareness #grief #griefsupport #pregnancyloss #lifeafterloss

September. Used to be my favourite month of the year, it’s my birthday month after all and we get to enjoy the early autumn days where we start to wear cosy clothes and enjoy pumpkin spiced lattes! But now my birthday will always be 3 days after my son’s funeral so it’s never gonna quite be the same again. It was also Billy’s actual due date on 12 September, planned C section date on 6 September and his funeral took place on 12 September so there are a lot of milestones coming up. But you know what, I’m not gonna dwell on any of these dates. I’m going to simply let them pass by without letting this month be a write off. I’m going to enjoy my birthday this year. Mr Protein said I can have WHATEVER I want for my birthday as last years was so rubbish.... I pity the fool sometimes! 😂 I’m going to enjoy this September, go for lots of autumnal walks, splurge on a new coat and pair of ankle boots and have a really great month. Last September was so utterly horrendous for us and we got through that and I’m looking forward to the rest of this year. I’m feeling so much more positive now that we’ve got the ‘first year’ done. So here’s to a fabulous September for us all! 🍁 🍁 🍁 .
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
#babyloss #babylossawareness #babylosscommunity #lifeafterloss #grief #bereavedmother #bereavedparents #infantloss #pregnancyloss #angelmama #stillborn #stillbirth #stillbornstillloved #mymotherhood #blogger #writer #lifestyleblogger

And just like that, a whole year has gone by. Billy Stardust should be one. And if he was here, I probably wouldn’t be cruel enough to label him with Stardust in his name.... or maybe I would! This year has been the hardest we’ve ever faced. How does anyone prepare for this, let alone get over this. To carry your baby to full term, have the nursery ready, own just about every baby item ever invented thanks to a very enthusiastic nanny! And then, in a puff of smoke it’s over. Over before it ever really began. A life so short has made such a big impact. .
.
I’ll always miss you little one. It’ll never be right that you aren’t here. I always wonder what you’d be like now; cheeky, mischievous, beautiful. Would you be a fussy eater or a total gannet? I bet you’d laugh non-stop, your dad and I are pretty damn funny. I know you would be too. I hope you’re not causing too much mischief up there. I don’t want to hear that you’re always on heavens naughty step when I meet you there one day. Or maybe you can be as naughty as you like up there, it is heaven after all! I promise we will make up for all the cuddles we have missed out on, I’ll never let you go when we meet again. We love you so much. I’ve struggled to say happy birthday because you should be here to join the party, but just this once, happy birthday little guy. We love you more than you could ever imagine. ❤️💙 .
.
Thanks for all of the messages today from our nearest and dearest and all the DMs, the support of those around us means so much and receiving so much love today has meant a lot. 😊❤️
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
#babyloss #babylossawareness #babylosscommunity #stillborn #stillbirth #stillbirthawareness #infantloss #pregnancyloss #grief #lifeafterloss #bereavedmother

For Billy’s anniversary I’ve written the names of all of the babies whose parents I’ve connected with and spoken to regularly over the last year (Can’t tag everyone Instagram has a limit on the number of tags).
.
.
Babies who like Billy were not here for long enough, whose short lives have had the biggest impact. I cried so much when I was doing this, just seeing all of these babies names together, and this isn’t even a fraction of it. There are way too many leaves on my table. Way too many hearts broken here. But there is also a lot of strength here. An ability to fight through the pain, to carry on smiling despite a broken heart. Thank you to everyone who has supported me, made me laugh and shared a bit of dark humour with me over the past year. Thank you to our babies for bringing us together. ❤️💙 I wish so much that these leaves were still on my tree and that these babies were with our families as they should be. .
.
I’m going to scatter these leaves at sea in Wales on what would have been Billy’s first birthday. I hope these little ones cross paths wherever they are and see their names floating away together. 💙💙💙
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
#babyloss #babylossawareness #stillborn #stillbirth #stillbornstillloved #stillbornawareness #babylosscommunity #infantloss #pregnancyloss #pregnancylossawareness #babylosssupport #babylosssurvivor #mymotherhood #lifeafterloss #grief #bereavedmother #bereavedparents #babylossblogger #blogger #lifelossandlipgloss #babylossmamas #oneyearwithoutyou #stillbornstillmissed

My new Billy Bear made by one of my best friends moms, the incredibly talented @thelittlecoverup (aunty Arlene to me!). What a lovely, thoughtful gift to be given at such a difficult time. I’ll treasure him forever. 💙
@thelittlecoverup not only makes these wonderful bears, but also lovely baby clothes. Check her out! .
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
#babyloss #memorybear #babylossawareness #lifeafterloss #stillborn #stillbirth #oneyearwithoutyou #babylosscommunity #stillbornstillloved