"In this journey the patterns that constitute what we have accepted as Our Reality will be deconstructed through self forgiveness and re-constructed through a commitment of correction to that which is best for all life."

Within this blog, I want to clarify that I am sharing the
points Bernard supported me in as to give back, to share so that the reader can
get the story, the events and flow of things as I did to a degree.

This isn’t
to say Bernard is special or that I am holding onto anything. I am being honest
within this sharing that I did NOT get to where I am, who I am and what I have
learned and how by my own. Giving credit where it must be given, otherwise I am
misleading people and praising myself. The consequences for that is something
unnecessary.

I owe most of everything I have faced and learned and
changed within to Bernard, from my relationship with my partner and everything
that entails, to who I am and understanding common sense, self-honesty and
LIFE.

Continuing to the Final chapter now.

Previously “This occurred and continued throughout my life
over and over and over. This pattern would play out in anything and everything.
From relationships, work, popularity and friends, I mean anything and
everything. “read the previous one here - http://gianjourneytolife.blogspot.co.za/2018/01/fear-of-missing-out-how-bernard_18.html

On the Farm (Desteni farm), at many points in time there
were lots of people here, from 15 to 30 people at a time, people visiting from
all over the world. With many visitors that came to visit, many interesting and
really cool and deep discussions took place, some of them were shattering and
intense, some were very personal for individuals and others were fun and pretty
cool.

But, what would I know. Most of the time I was outside
working, building something somewhere or doing some maintenance work. Bernard
Made sure I was up every morning at 6am, or when the birds started singing, he
would sing outside my room (not really singing) but make noise and call out my
name over and over, till I got up, he would specifically say Giantjie,
giantjie, ARE YOU AWAKE, and I would miserably wake up with not having enough
sleep. As I go outside my room looking like I am waking up with a hangover,
Bernard would say BREATH, and then he would say to me, Be HERE, no need to wake
up, be awake. I would try that but yhea….. Then he would push me to get things
done, he would start with asking, are you finishing these rooms today(we were
building rooms for a while) or something else, I would say well not today, but
we are getting there. But the point is, Bernard made sure I got to things and
needed to be done on the Farm.

The visitors didn’t have to work as I did, they helped and
worked together in specific things, but me, LJ and Fidelis had to do things
every day and had responsibilities to keep things functioning and moving on a
Farm.

So, Bernard had any chats with people and he also had quit
some intense moments with people, these things would occur in the kitchen when
people were there together or in the lounge or on the porch, But I always
missed out, sometimes I would walk in halfway through the discussions, and stay
for a while just to hear something, or to pick up on something, or to get some
cool information I could use. But I was just a little bit too late.

I would hear from Leila or someone else what Bernard just
now shared with everyone something on these points, or those points, or Bernard
did some Tarot card readings for people, or he just explained the universe to
people or someone lol. I would always feel like I missed something out, all the
discussions, all the chats, as I was just outside doing work, building or
maintenance stuff most of my time.

Here, I faced a different dimension of Fear of missing out.
In my first post on fear of missing out I basically say it all, but I am
sharing something deeper here, how I physically had to change my behaviors, my
actions to actually stop the fear of missing out, to see who I am without participating
within those actions, those behaviors.

In 2013, this point was pushed for me, within me one more
time from Bernard just before the time he died. On a day, like any other,
Bernard was planning to have a get together with everyone on the farm that
night to have a nice chat/talk about some very important points, they involved
peoples individual peoples process points and direction and also opening up
more dimensions within existence and what’s at play.

I was all day curious and looking forward to this get
together, as I was expecting something big, I was hoping to hear about
something about me, my process and my direction, where Bernard gives on
guidance, or a brutal self-honesty check. As the evening approached us all
more, Bernard made his way through the farm on a slow passed walk, and he came
to our house, where I was standing in the garden. He was telling people to get
ready and go down in the meantime. Then he said to me, you must stay here and
look after the dogs, they cannot be left alone, plus you need to deal with this
fear of missing out, so you will now miss out… That part, where he mentions the
fear of missing out hit home, I knew I had the fear the moment he said I need
to stay and look after the dogs.

What Bernard said to me made perfect sense, I agreed with a
massive resistance, as I really did not want to stay with the dogs, I wanted to
be IN, I wanted to hear what’s happening at the meeting, I do not want to miss
something cool that could be shared with me or about me. Everyone has gone to
the get together, and I just stood in the garden, trying to listen and hear
what is being said from far away, but the distance was just enough that all I could
hear was mumbling and every time everyone started laughing at once.

Hours went by, and the get together was still going on, I
heard all the talking and conversations in the mumbling form I received them, I
sat outside paranoid and frustrated. It got late and I knew I wasn’t going to
get feedback from anyone tonight, I went to bed to get some sleep, instead of
just sitting there and trying to hear something. I already anticipated that the
next day I will get feedback from Leila and others on what was said, and what
happened, but it will be second hand as my judgement goes.

The following morning, as I woke up and others were awake, I
went to Leila to ask her what happened as that was a long get together. Now I wanted
to fish out anything important, or if anything was said about me, or if there
are some cool new dimensions that opened up I should know about. Her first
words to me was, nothing much, but there was this point on characters that
opened up.

I already felt the pain of what I have missed according to
my perception. Then in that moment what Bernard told me, that I need to work
with this point of fear of missing out, came to me, and I within myself decided
that I don’t care what happened, what I missed out or not, and I made this I don’t
care not to not care for me, but in fact a decision to care about me, and to
stop caring for the mind and the fears. I also had a realization in that moment
that I am walking in this believe that I am less than, I am weak and useless,
that I am vulnerable, that I am not good enough, that I need all the knowledge
and information in the world before I can ever be ready to trust myself,
instead of trusting myself.

I then took it upon myself to MISS out as much as possible
where I knew I was going to go for something or someone just because of a
curiosity to find something, and I started living HERE direct with what is
here, it was challenging, as I stopped making everything personal to me what is
said or done, and I started trusting that I am okay, even if I had to live in a
dark cage and all I ever could hear from this dark cage was mumbling from the
outside and never being able to reach it, I have to be able to be here still,
to breathe and focus on me, trust me, even if something is said about me or
not, it does not define me, I define me in every moment and if I use any and
all information I get and hear to define me, than I am fucked. As I have proven
already how I fuck myself up with what I hear or do not hear, about me or that
involves me, may it be fear, survival, money, relationships.

I am tired of seeking drama, seeking a story, seeking things
that create bullshit and participating within it, defining myself this way is
torture, living according to the information I receive if torture, as nothing
is ever practical or common sense then, it is all emotion based, fear based and
personality based, nothing real, just chasing illusions and creating more illusions,
I am missing reality in fact.

From Part 1 “I will
continue in Part two, sharing more and deeper points as this fear of missing
out went from one polarity to another and finding a balance, also how this
point was pushed even further by Bernard for me to face in specific moments.”

Fear of missing out has been a big point for me all my life.
I would keep myself occupied as much as possible to be out there, to be aware
of everything I possibly can, I had this urge to always be in the KNOW, I must
know, I have to be informed. I always collected so much data as knowledge and
information about people, gossip, and simply human relations.

I did not want to be the guy that finds out later in an
impolite manner about something or in an unexpected way. I wanted to have
control of my environments, of the people and what they think of me, what is
being said about me, what decisions are going to be made or could possibly be
made that might affect my life, so I always wanted to know, this knowledge and
information I gathered over time from many corners of my life would be used in
secret by myself. I would take information I have gathered where I know I am
personally involved, or where I can get involved or what might affect me, and I
would play with the information in my mind as to how can I manipulate and
change certain outcomes, the people and situations to always be that which I
feel save with, where I am sort of in control.

I did not notice at the time that I was living this program
within “fear of missing out” or even how this program worked within a
multi-dimensional play-out.

Why did I fear missing out? Why was this fear within me? I
can definitely say that something happened in my life where decisions were
made, or events happened that I only found out either in the moment and took it
as a shock, as unexpected and it rattled me, it shake my life, it changed
everything to a degree for me personally, it took me from a point of feeling
secure to a point of feeling insecure. Through such an event (may it have
occurred in the first few years of my life here on earth or later on) I now had
this fear which became my compass that always guided me to avoid such
situations/events or circumstances that affect me personally and my security.

Thus I had to become a secret agent for my own life, I had
to gather as much information and knowledge as possible to then have the upper
hand as I would make myself believe. So, I started living my life always focusing on fear, fear of missing out. Because if I miss out then feel
vulnerable, I feel naked, I feel like I have nothing in my hands to play my
cards on the table.

Through this “fear of missing out” I have created a LOT of
stress within myself, always rushing and hurrying up to get somewhere, I have
created a lot of sneaky behaviors to find information from others in
secretive ways. This behavior creates stress and fear in itself.

I never allowed time for ME, and to focus on what I am
creating, I rather lived life in a way where I took advantages of
circumstances. This meant I had to WAIT a lot, because for the right
circumstances to arrive isn’t every day. In the meantime while waiting I am
basically spending all my time fishing, finding information and knowledge and
filling my mind with so much information of nonsense I had no idea what to do
with it except to gossip, to talk and to scheme about others and LIFE all the
time.

This behavior and living created MORE stress and a lot of anxiety, as I
was stressing about missing information and being anxious about getting
information that I can work with, and getting information I can work with meant
it affects me, It had something to do with my life, thus it isn’t always great
news, so anxious and excited at the same time.

When and If I cot information that I believed I could work
with, I would feel like I have a purpose and reason to live, to do something.
This in return means that I was creating events and situations through my
behaviour that even led to me messing up, fucking up and then creating the
knowledge and information to come my way to then work with it. This is pretty
messed up in terms of how so many things are interlinked and connected and how
somehow it created stuff.

Let me simplify this a bit more with an example. Say my mom
and dad are having conflicts/arguing in secret, they do it in their room while
we are sleeping and they think we do not know about it, I would stay up till
late after pretending to go to sleep. Then I would sneak up to my parents room
and listen against the door what is happening, I hear voices but it is
mumbling, so I would get “smarter” and go outside, thus sneaking around
quietly, my heart is pumping hard as I know I could be found out if they hear
me, I am also fearful of what I might hear, so I stress about that. Then I am
outside, I am listening in and I find some words, some information, it has
something to do with money and spending money and saving money and so forth. I
know everything my parents go through involves me, so when I hear money and
problems, I go into a massive insecurity within myself and my future, my
comfort, my life. I go into ALL kinds of thoughts of what ifs and what should I
do or not do.

I then go to bed after this gathering of knowledge and
information, I wake up in FEAR and STRESS, because what do I do now with this
knowledge and information. I start thinking a LOT, I start going into a lot of
future projections of possibilities. Then I start acting, I start living in a
way that makes me feel more secure, I act and behave in ways that makes no
sense to anyone but me. I can’t tell my parents why I am behaving the way I am
as they would then know I was in secret listening to them and their
conversations. Now all day at school and everything else I am doing I am not focused at all, I am not HERE and living, I am in my mind thinking about this
all day all the time, current reality loses purpose, I lose touch with it,am somewhere else.

This occurred and continued throughout my life over and over
and over. This pattern would play out in anything and everything. From
relationships, work, popularity and friends, I mean anything and everything.

If you have read Blog one by now, then the next dimension
will be much clearer for you. This next point is how Bernard pushed me daily
and on many occasions on this point where it hit me real deep and hard and left
me in this weird space of the UNKNOWN.

As a child, every time I heard my mother’s hair dryer blowing
from her room, I would get anxious. The thought would come to mind of, where is
my mother going??

I have throughout time learned that when my mother is doing
her hair, that she is going out. I never KNEW when she was going out, she never
informed me of her going out. I would just hear the hair dryer blowing, and I
would immediately know she is going out and I MUST go with. I would drop whatever
I was doing and quickly change my cloths and get ready. By the time she would
pass my room I would tell my mother I am coming with.

My mother would respond and say, I am just going to go get
some shopping. I did not care, I just wanted to go with, I feared missing out
on something, I wasn’t ever sure what, so I went with to see what it might be. It
always ended up with me just hanging around my mother walking around.

In those moments, I would drop whatever I was busy with,
even if it was something I was already enjoying, like playing a game, or
building with my blocks, or simply enjoying being where I am. In return, going
with my mother, I missed out on what I was doing, dropping it half way and not
focussing on myself, who I am and what I was doing, I was chasing something out
there.

How I developed this I am not sure, but it bled out into all
aspects of my life, with friends, with Girlfriends, with so many things, I
would always drop ME and rather rush to the event, the thing, the place to see
what else is there, fear of missing out. It would always end up the same, me
being here with me simply in a different situation or event or place. Sometimes
it lead to weird things, or not so cool things.

I got addicted to wanting to always KNOW, to always wanting to
be informed, to be up to date to be in the LOOP of what’s happening, even if it
had nothing to do with me, or had any relevance to me, I just wanted to be
there.

For example: I would be cleaning my room, something I
resisted, yet here I am cleaning my room, focusing on me and improving me a
bit more, then I hear that hair dryer blowing from my mother room, I drop the
cleaning, change my cloths and forget about me and my improvement in a single
moment and rush to this other place. Looking for me, something.

Same with wanting to quit alcohol when I was drinking
heavily and having to many hangovers, I would give myself a goal of not
drinking, but as soon as a party starts and I am informed of that party, I drop
that goal and there I GO, and at the party, I drink, because I fear missing
out, I fear missing something. Back at square one.

When I came to the farm, the first week after being here, Bernard
told me that I will probably not leave the farm for about three months, and he
asked me if I can handle that. I looked at him and said YES SURE, that should
not be a problem. I had no idea why I would not be able to leave the farm for
three months. In that time I did want to go to town a few times, and Bernard
would say I can go, IF I can give him a reason that is valid for why I want to
go to town which would mean me not doing my responsibilities and postponing
them, and each and every time I had a reason Bernard would check y common sense
and self-honesty within my reasons.

For example, I would see someone is climbing into a car to
go to town, and I would go to that someone and ask, hey can I come with, that
other person would say sure, yes, you can come with, and I would respond with
saying, OK, let me get my stuff. So I would run to my room to quickly get my
stuff, Bernard would see me running and ask WHERE ARE YOU GOING? And I would
slow down and look at him and say, I want to go to town, and Bernard would ask
why? As I give my reason such as I need cigarettes, then Bernard would say,
just give them the money to get it, you need to finish raking the grass in the
fields today before the rain comes.

This kind of situation occurred each time I wanted to go to
town, I first of all tried to go to town without Bernard noticing me, as I KNEW
he would challenge me and check up on me, so I wanted to do is in a sneaky way,
YET, he caught me each time.

This continued for about 3 months, where I did not leave the
farm. I went through a sort of a withdrawal of some sort, where I got a bit
depressed and angry, as I could not go to town for no reason, YET each time I
was redirected BACK to what I NEED to do, and that whatever I wanted in town,
someone else could just get it for me, so while they do that I do what I could
do best and get things done.

So, by now you must know, Bernard pushed this point
perfectly, if you look at how I used to live out this point and how he then
supported me in facing this missing out point, I was forced to focus on ME and
what I am doing, unlike how I used to just DROP what I am doing to run after
other things in the fear of missing out.

After those three months and a bit more, I started going to
town a lot more, specifically to get my driver’s license that I failed the
first time before I came to the farm. I got it in December 2008 with the farm
support.

Something very interesting changed within me and who I am in
going into town. The first time after three month and a bit I noticed and
experienced going into town a LOT different, everything felt so BUSY and
stressed and tense and heightened in energy, my stomach was turning and I felt
like throwing up. I remember when I went with Bernard he told me to BREATH as I
have not dropped the energy to going to town, so now I can actually experience
what is really going on, the systems and everything in play all the time, as I
used to go to town to PLUG in, I now went to town not plugging in as much, but
was more aware of the plugging in from within me, what I went to town for
previously to support system and programs within me, to keep me upgraded and to
keep my personality in tack by feeding myself in town, the city with mind
consciousness systems.

This is quite interesting. Because I used to go to town to
literally FEED my ego, my personality, to make sure I am still in check, that I
still fit in, that I am not out of date, that I have all the programs upgraded
and working, all my apps are running fine to survive in the system. And after
three months of not rushing to town, going to town within that energy, I felt
WAY out of date, not updated, and wanting to update felt sickening, what I was
doing to myself, selling myself out.

Me not updating myself and my programs and doing the
upgrades that are consistent within the system, just like the apps on our
phones and all their updates occurring the whole time, I lost complete touch
for a long time with the system, I would not shower of bath after doing some sweaty
work, for a few days even, I would simply take a dip in the pool, put the same
cloths on I worked with and wear gumboots that smell like horse shit and go to
town, standing in lines where people would literally move away from me and look
at my gumboots weird. I did not do this deliberately, I simply did it because I
kind of didn’t know better anymore, I didn’t have the upgrades, so I went to
town as I was.

I did this for years, never upgrading, never plugging back
in, never access those systems. I instead went as me, as me requiring only me
to be who I am and living, expressing. It was only possible because of where I
was/am, the Desteni farm, and the opportunity was here for me to live this to
be this, to stand as this and to see what is here, how it works and going
deeper, to in the long run stand as a support for others that might not have
the same opportunity yet facing the same points, such as now, now is the time.

I will continue in Part two, sharing more and deeper points
as this fear of missing out went from one polarity to another and finding a
balance, also how this point was pushed even further by Bernard for me to face
in specific moments.

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Desteni Farm

I'm a Destonian

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that anxiety is the experience of being shit-scared for your own fear – produced for yourself, by yourself – for the reason of scaring yourself to make or not make a decision, so that you can have an excuse as reason why you did NOTHING in spite of the evidence that one should act. - Bernard Poolman