Wednesday, June 04, 2003

Impress Your Mom Day!

Moms want to know that their little girls and boys have grown into big, strong women and men who can drink a shitload. So go and pay your Mom a surprise visit. When she greets you at the door, she'll say "My Goodness! What are you doing here?!" Or maybe, "To what do I owe this honor?" if your Mom is hilarious. Put your hands on her shoulders and say, "Take a seat Momma. I want to show you how good I am at drinking now."

She'll sit down on the edge of the couch and look up at you, standing in the middle of the living room fishing through your backpack, and she'll have anticipation twinkling in her eyes. Pull the can of Budweiser from your bag with a broad flourish. Then hold it out to your Mom and say, "Would you like to inspect the can for any hidden wires?" She'll either laugh or she won't, it doesn't fucking matter.

Now, explain to her exactly what's at stake here. "Momma, when I was younger, I wasn't very good at drinking beer and over the years I've gotten much better. Looking back at the person I once was, I find that person laughable. Youth was no excuse. I should've been better at drinking. You and Father must have been so disappointed in me.

"I flew out here today to show you that you were a good mother to me and I wanted to give you a chance to see all that you have to be proud of before you die soon."

Then hold the can in position to be popped open, take a deep breath, look your mother in the eye and say "Check this shit ya'll." Then pop the can open and slam that shit down your throat like it's gonna stop a car crash. When the can's empty, slap it into your skull until it's a disc and then fling it like a frisbee at your aged cat. Then say, "Aw fuck yes!"

Your mother will rise slowly and extend her arms to you, her lips quivering with joyful sobs. Take her to you and hold her. She is your mother and she is proud of you. Not just for what you can do, but because you want her to be proud of what you can do. This, ultimately, is the real evidence that she was a good mother to you.