Bradley Cooper’s girlfriend Suki Waterhouse is 22 years old but looks like a foster care tween who’s seen some things. Cooper is coming in at forty, so based on the numbers this isn’t atypical when the dude is loaded. When guys are accused of statutory rape they inevitably drop the “But she looked 18!” line. By that reasoning, I’d find it creepy if a forty year old dude was banging a chick of age who didn’t look it. Seems like you’re skating by on a technicality. There are no laws against dressing your chick up like a Catholic schoolgirl, nor should there be. I’m sure Waterhouse regales Cooper with stories of the time her and her girlfriends went to Dave and Busters and won the giant bunny rabbit. Or went to the beach and took boring Instagram photos. Cooper meanwhile does a fine job of pretending he’s not sticking his dick in every hostess he meets on the road. Maybe they’re a good match. If they make it another ten years the other women might even stop saying nasty things about her.

The new trailer for American Hustle was released yesterday, and it looks pretty good. I’d like to be a little more optimistic but I don’t have a clue what it’s about, other than a three-way competition between Christian Bale, Bradley Cooper and Jeremy Renner to look like the ugliest guys you’d spot in a New Jersey strip club.

Then again, it also has Jennifer Lawrence and Amy Adams looking like 70s porn stars, so that should count for something. In fact, if there’s an Oscar for that, I hope they both win. Then, when they accept their statues, they can try them out on each other. I know, I’m full of brilliant ideas.

Bradley Cooper and the cast of The Hangover 3 attended the film’s premiere at the Grand Rex Theater in Paris, and he did that thing where he showed up and smiled and took pictures with fans because he’s full of shit. Charm, I meant charm. Then a dozen models showed up and offered him the most insane orgy of his life, but he turned it down because his mom wouldn’t approve. That’s all speculation, but I’m probably not far off.

Heather Graham was also there, and while she’s 43-years and clearly beyond her prime, she’s still hotter than a lot of actresses her age. She should at least be co-starring in Kevin James movies or making cameos on Anger Management. I’ve tried to figure out why she’s not still famous and the only answers I could come up with are that she’s either a sex doll come to life or she has a penis.

JESSICA SIMPSON – is in talks with NBC for a sitcom that “would feature Simpson playing a version of herself in a Curb Your Enthusiasm-style look at her life”. And it can’t possibly fail because improv is the perfect vehicle for this quick-witted legend of comedy. (tv guide)

RUSSELL CROWE – might be dating “burlesque goddess” Dita Von Teese, who has somehow totally escaped her past as a “spread-eagle girl having sex with a popsicle goddess”. For the record, it might not be the best idea in the world for a guy with his temper to date a girl who is super super pale.(page six)

BEN AFFLECK – will have a tough time winning the Oscar for Best Picture even though his movie ‘Argo’ just won the Golden Globe for Best Picture. His best bet is for lots of old voters to think they’re voting for ‘Fargo’. (huff post)

TAYLOR SWIFT – has a crush on Bradley Cooper, so she had Jennifer Lawrence ask Bradley if he wanted to go out with her. The response: “Bradley has absolutely no intention of getting together with Taylor.” So then Taylor asked, “What does he mean ‘no intention‘? So he really wants to date me but thinks you can’t plan love? Oh my gaad, why do guys always have to play these games, why can’t they just be honest!” (radar)

MICHELLE KEEGAN – is an English actress in the new issue of Zoo, and she’s in a bikini but who cares about that? What I wanna know is if her eyes are the same size, and what insect does her eyebrow look like? This magazine is really out of touch.

Zoe Saldana broke up with her fiancé last month after dating for 11 years, and yesterday Star said it was because she and Bradley Cooper were doing it now. They noted that the two filmed a movie together over the summer, and that Bradley Cooper is very handsome. I too am very handsome, so the story seemed plausible.

But now Saldanas agent says the rumor isn’t true, that they’re nothing more than “friends who worked on a recent film.” But if you read between the lines it sounds like they were having sex all the time, and then one day Zoe came to him crying because she was pregnant and Bradley made her get an abortion because, as he put it, “I aint havin’ me no colored baby.”

This Bradley Cooper fella sounds like a real piece of shit! Zoe Saldana is better off without him, I say!