What I learned about mothers-in-law

Maybe my mailing this to her will help…provided I do some judicious editing, of course.

Michael Jones, mjones@stuttgartdailyleader.com

Here, in no particular order, are the top 10 things I learned about mothers-in-law during my own mother-in-law's visit over the past week:

10. Mothers-in-law have ears like a hawk. Specifically a hawk that can barely hear anything at all 99.9 percent of the time but if a son-in-law 99 miles away says the word "mom" and "crazy" in the same sentence they will respond hawklike by shouting "WHAT'S THAT YOU'RE SAYING ABOUT ME THIS TIME?"

09. Mothers-in-law barely take up any space at all when they come visit. By that, of course, I mean that it's amazing how a small woman that barely looks as if she could cast a shadow can appear to have only one small piece of luggage…when in reality that luggage is apparently alive and capable of expanding itself to take up all available space in either a car or a son-in-law's home. Seriously. When she "unpacked" there was only two feet of clear space in our spare bedroom and when it was stuffed into the back of the car I swear to you the car settled down a foot from the weight.

08. Mothers-in-law can eat up to 57 times their weight in sugar-free cookies and/or pie.

07. Mothers-in-law are capable of flooding an entire kitchen simply by being unable to "sit still" and "not worry" about the five dishes in a sink. You may think I'm exaggerating here but tell that to the gallons of water that gushed out from the bottom of my kitchen cabinet and all over the floor. To this day I have no idea where all that water came from. Maybe she packed it in that suitcase?

06. Mothers-in-law are 100 percent accurate at getting the gender of a cat 100 percent wrong 100 percent of the time. No matter what cat comes up for her to pet — without fail — my mother-in-law called the boy cats "sweet girls" and the girl cats "handsome fellas." Every time.

05. Mothers-in-law are secretive. While driving, if you hear a frantic rustling in the backseat of your car that sounds as if your mother-in-law has turned into a giant goat intent on devouring anything in her path should you, never ask what she is doing or 'NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS' will be the answer bleated back at you as chewed-up paper flies toward your head.

04. Mothers-in-law are able to function even while sleeping 88 percent of the day away. There are moments where my mother-in-law was able to carry a conversation along despite falling asleep at least four times during the course of it. Not only did she not have any idea what I was talking about as far as the conversation itself went but she also had no idea what I was talking about when I suggested she might want to go take a nap. "I'm not tired at all. I've been…" Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

03. Mothers-in-law are not fans of driving for hours on the highway, rain daring to fall as we drive along the highway, big trucks driving on the highway in the rain in front of us, big trucks driving on the highway in the rain behind us… let's just go ahead and say that they do not like any part of driving at all other than the part where it's all done and then they can confidently say "That was a lovely trip!" while their son-in-law tries to figure out where his actual mother-in-law went and how this cheerful alien got into her house and housecoat.

02. Mothers-in-law, when provided with a huge challenge such as trying to cut up a blueberry waffle with a knife, will opt to wrestle the waffle into submission and eat it like a pizza all while exclaiming that she has decided to eat the waffle "American Style!" instead of, y'know, asking for a bigger knife. Granted, after the son-in-law foolishly asks if they can provide her with a bigger knife, the sight of her wrestling with a giant steak knife as she battles the waffle is only slightly more scary than anything else he has seen before in his life. Little lady plus BIG KNIFE versus waffle? A sight to behold, people.

01. Mothers-in-law are silly, cranky, petulant, rude, crazy, narcoleptic, loud and scary as hell…and I wouldn't trade mine in for another in the world and I hope she at least got a small hint of the fact that her son-in-law is crazy about her (not the least for the amazing daughter she single-handedly raised after her husband passed away many years ago) and hopes that she gets it into her thick skull that she is NOT alone and that she is deeply and unreservedly loved in this world.

Maybe my mailing this to her will help…provided I do some judicious editing, of course. Here's the version of this column that I intend to send her - let me know what you think:"Mothers-in-law…I wouldn't trade mine in for another…she is deeply and unreservedly loved."

Yep. That cuts it down. She doesn't need to read all the other stuff I said about her. Erm… no, really, she doesn't. DO NOT SEND THIS COLUMN TO HER. She'll misunderstand all my complaining as being complaints and miss the whole point of it all which was… Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz