August 16, 2006

Fucking Cigarette Wars

Yeah, sure, everyone knows you don’t talk politics or religion if you want to maintain any semblance of civility at a social gathering.

But it’s the common cigarette that really brings out the worst in people.

I don’t care what side you’re on, you’ve got an opinion about cigarettes, cigarette smoke and cigarette smokers. No one is ambivalent about smoking. It is THE polarizing social issue of our time.

So fucking funny in a country where one in three Americans is clinically obese, where 22 million are addicted to drugs or alcohol and where 20,000 of us are killed every year in some kind of alcohol-related traffic accident, it’s the cigarette that motivates ordinarily non-confrontational people to “get in someone’s face” in the name of protecting their health.

Look around your office, your social circle and your family. Smokers might have bad breath and teeth, but they’re loyal motherfuckers. They will hang out with each other, defend each other and make the extra effort to connect with one another in ways that non-smokers never would with others, smokers or not. Smokers have a bond.

Non-smokers, for the most part, will only “bond” in their shared disgust with smoking and smokers. That’s it. Everything else, they’re all over the board. But when it comes to smoking, they can definitely get behind stigmatizing those who smoke. It’s an easy position to take. After all, who could seriously offer a rational defense for smoking cigarettes?

Non-smokers pat themselves on their collective backs for agreeing that smoking is bad. So profound and enlightened are the non-smokers. Pure fucking genius.

Smokers are rocket scientists in their own right, ignoring undisputable scientific and medical data showing an absolute connection between smoking and lung cancer, heart disease, emphysema and just about any other respiratory ailment known to man. Yet, they proudly indulge in their disgusting, dangerous addiction even though it isolates them from some people and offends many others.

Smokers speak of their right to smoke and accept the risks. Non-smokers speak of the astronomical health-care costs associated with smoking-related illnesses that are footed by smokers and non-smokers alike. Smokers counter that the enormous taxes they pay on each pack of cigarettes more than offsets those health-care costs. And so on. And so on.

I’m not going to waste anyone’s time trying to argue the relative merits of either position. People take this smoking issue as seriously as they do religion or politics. It’s just not worth it to get into it.

Instead, I will share the eight, key observations I’ve made in the 15-plus years that I’ve been smoking:

1. Almost every non-smoker I know was a smoker at one point in his or her life. And, AND, I’d say at least one-third of these “non-smokers” have broken down and had a cigarette or two in my presence on multiple occasions.

2. Non-smokers, as a collective group, have more money and education than smokers as a collective group. However, the wealthiest people I’ve known and the smartest and most talented people I’ve known were, with very few exceptions, smokers. Smokers, in my experience, skew to the extremes. Lots of poor, uneducated, shady smokers.

3. Women who smoke are much more approachable and fuckable than non-smoking women. It’s just a fact. Generally, they have a more evolved sense of humor and tend to not take themselves so fucking seriously. Downside: they’re not so hot by the time they turn 40, they do annoying things like smoke in your bed and they often steal your cigarettes and lighters.

4. Smokers of either gender talk way too fucking much. They all have stories, long-winded monologues actually, that go on and on and often don’t have much of a significant point. Non-smokers are succinct, efficient and dress well.

5. A man who smokes and a woman who doesn’t smoke have a much better chance of making a relationship work than the reverse. For whatever reason, non-smoking guys just can’t stand women who smoke. Non-smoking women can be that militant but they’re usually more tolerant for reasons I’ve never really understood.

6. Non-smokers fall into two distinct camps when it comes to the smell of smoke. Either they love it because it reminds them of their glorious smoking past (a rare but enthusiastic group) or they HATE it because it reminds them of their glorious smoking past (a larger and even more enthusiastic group).

7. Never met a smoker of my generation who started because it was “cool” or made them “look older” or “feel grown up.” Almost universally, we started in either high school or college because we liked the buzz. It’s the truth.

8. Most smokers go out of their way to make sure their smoke doesn’t disturb anyone else. We’ve been imposing our own self-exile for years. And we’re fine with it. However, there are a handful of oblivious smokers who either don’t pay attention or don’t care if their smoke offends you. Even smokers don’t like these kind of smokers. But we’re usually too scared to tell them because the oblivious smoker tends to skew large and violent.

Comments

Wow, I'm going to blow your theory out of the water here, Bitter Angry Guy. (a) I am a nonsmoker.
(b) I have never been a smoker. Tried once or twice, but hated that burning-lungs feeling.
(c) I couldn't care less whether someone smokes around me or not. And I'm serious about that.
(d) I'm not the biggest fan about the smell of smoke - but only tend to notice it after the fact, when I get home from a bar and my hair smells like an ashtray or something. If I'm sitting next to a smoker and she/he is talking and smoking, I don't mind it.

I am not sure if we have different type of friends or if you and all your friends are filthy liars.
Smoking for pleasure? This does not happen until you have smoking down. Your little pink high school lungs and healthy cillia did not smoke for pleasure. You did it for the same reason everyone else does- image.

Before reading your post I had never really thought of smoking as a ban subject - you are right on that - we all have opinions of this.

Now let me react to your list:
1. I'm a non-smoker. Never smoked, tried it once and didn't like the taste.
2. The smokers I know aren't richer or brigther than the non-smokers, so... They tend to spend a lot on that habbit though.
3. I don't see the link between smoking and sex (after sex yes, but not before!) - some women are just plain more talkable & fuckable than others, smoking or not!
4. Totally agree with you on that one - must be all the huddling smokers do...
5. I agree with you on this. As a non-smoker I tolerated a smoking beau, but I know guys (non smokers) who can't stand a smoking girl.
6. I hate smoke blown at me, especially when I eat. I do like the smell of a freshly lit cig. Let's just say that I'm happy about this new law we have in Quebec about non-smoking in public places. My clothes (and me!) smell better after a night out!
8. Not sure about "going out of their way" part, but I know that the worst to complain about smoke are ex-smokers.