Friday, April 16, 2010

The Shotgun Oracle: 2010 NBA Playoffs

Playoffs start on Saturday and there are a lot of predictions flying through the air about what is going to happen. People are feverishly picking the winners of each round, series, and, indeed, the whole shebang. Here's the sad part about these predictions: Most people aren't going to get it right. There's just too many possibilities for the playoffs and, admittedly, the targets are moving. However, I have developed an award winning system for predicting future events, and, specifically, future professional basketball events: The Shotgun Oracle The Shotgun Oracle harnesses the power of advanced statistics, scouting reports, runic magic, druidic auguries, and wildly throwing out basically every conceivable outcome to come up with accurate predictions of the future. Pioneered at Delphi, but then really developed by Nostradamus, this tactic of throwing out a ton of different guesses and praying one comes true is the new sensation that should make Love in the Time of Lebron your first stop when it comes to basketball prognostication. So let's see what glimpses of the future we can find! To the metaphorical sheep entrails!

The Cavaliers will win the championship. Lebron James is unstoppable in his best year yet, and now that he has help from the Big Nickname and Antawn Jamison, what could stand in his way?

The Cavaliers will be upset. Lebron's rust, Mo William's vanishing act and the Big Senior Citizen will all prove to be deciding factors when the favorites slip up again.

Sun's inability to speak English will play a key part in the struggle for control of the Island.

Rasheed Wallace will get a technical foul for arguing with a referee.

The Lakers will win the championship. Kobe Bryant is an assassin, and the Lakers are the most loaded team in all of basketball. Too much talent to lose.

The Lakers will be not win the championship. Kobe will shoot them out of a game, Artest doesn't know what to do, and Pau Gasol is simply too neck-bearded.

The Hurt Locker will win Best Picture at the Oscars.

The Magic will win the championship. Their team is perfectly built around Dwight Howard and all the players know their role in Stan van Gundy's system.

The Magic will not win the championship. Any team that requires Vince Carter, Rashard Lewis, and Dwight Howard to assert themselves in critical moments is doomed.

Phil Jackson will play mind games with opposing teams

Tim Duncan will protest a call.

The Mavericks will win the championship. Dirk is as clutch as it gets in the closing minutes of any game and the salvaged pieces of Washington add more firepower to an already super-talented team.

The Mavericks will not win the championship. Because I mean, really c'mon, did you honestly think they were the best team in the league at any point this year?

You will woke up one morning and just feel exhausted. It will be like you didn't get any sleep at all, though you won't remember waking up in the middle of the night or anything.

30 Rock won't be nearly as funny as you remembered it being a couple years ago.

The Hawks will win the championship. The stone-cold guard tandem of Joe and Jamal and the freaky-talented forward tandem of Josh and Al is impossible for any team to effectively match up against.

The Hawks will not win the championship. Their limited offensive repertoire, poor coaching, and reliance on Joe Johnson is simply not enough to go all the way.

The average temperature in the Northern Hemisphere will rise.

Fidel Castro will die.

The Suns will win the championship. You had forgotten how good Steve Nash and Amare Stoudemire can be when flanked with quality role players and playing at lightning speed.

The Suns will not win the championship. If this team was going to win, wouldn't they have done it already?

You will get a hair-cut.

Charles Barkley will be ridiculed by Kenny Smith on TNT.

At least three pairs of people will debate whether Stan van Gundy looks more like porn's Ron Jeremy or Ninendo's Mario.

The Celtics will win the championship. They Big Three are older, but Perkins and Rondo have more than made up for any loss of ground by KG, Allen, and Pierce.

The Celtics will not win the championship. Boston is too old, too hurt, and has a terrible coach and even worse chemistry.

The season finale of Lost will be surprising and mind-blowing in some ways, but ultimately be unsatisfying.