What did you do last night? Did you go to bed early? That's cute. While you were sleeping, Beyoncé dropped a new album on all of our heads, complete with 17 music videos and a song "featuring Blue Ivy," thus eliminating the need for Christmas this year and forever, because now we have a new holiday on December 13, and it's called Beyuletide.

Her fifth LP is titled Beyoncé, which of course, because why would you call an album anything else when your name is Beyoncé? Jay Z, Drake, Frank Ocean, and the aforementioned Blue Ivy make guest appearances, and Chairlift's Caroline Polachek wrote an early favorite, "No Angel." Her early-summer jam "Grown Woman" was just a fake-out, though, and appears only as a bonus video on the deluxe edition.

The big question here is how in the world did she keep this a secret? Do you think she just assassinates anyone who even thinks about leaking tracks, because she can read minds and murder people with just a tilt of the head? I've never been more convinced that she's actually in the Illuminati.

Beyoncé is out now, so you know what to do--skip work and stay home to DANCE. If you want to try before you buy (who ARE you?), Bey has posted 30-second snippets of all the videos on her YouTube page.

Now excuse me while I go listen to this ten times in a row. Don't call, don't write--I'm busy.