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Author
Topic: I don't want this life. (Read 38204 times)

I've tried so hard to put up a wall of strength. I've tried to reach out to others and offer my hand in help, but they don't even care enough to reciprocate. I'm not worth their time. I'm beyond sick and tired of helping people who could care less about me. I'm tired of always being too trusting. I'm sick of this fucking occupation that's told me I'm expendable. My livelihood and everything that comes with it is nothing more than sand in an hourglass, slowly moving toward the inevitable. Fuck my sacrifices and everything I gave up. I am a fucking number to them that is straining their budgets while they lose billions annually to waste, fraud, and negligence. But I know it is my fault for everything. My fault for putting myself in this situation in the first place, my fault for being a fucking idiot and not protecting myself, my fault for my own mistakes that will forever haunt me until I finally quit fighting to live and cease to care.

"Losses, losers and more. Gain of life's pleasures. Cohorts listenbehind the doors to a life meaningless, less than 0 in me, all my walls,falling down. Pains aloft. Misery.I'm sure that the lessons were learned. I'm sure that the punishmentswent well deserved by the pawn in the plan.Walk from me everything, systematically.

Tell me what I'm supposed to be.Tell me who I'm supposed to be.Tell me what it takes to ascend.Tell me what it takes to live.

Patience, pleasures and rewards, come in due time. Stare at the sun,I'm bored. In a life meaningless, soaking up all of me, like the crossyou worship - life is loss, look at me. I'm sure that some day we'll wakeup. I'm sure that some day we'll wake from the dream.Of success and focus...tunneling to the light glowing deep inside ofme.

Please write some specifics that have ground you down into this depression. I read through your history. For example you said the diagnosis destroyed you career and future plans, but didn't offer details. Also, that your family will forever be ashamed. And that you will never find a partner. You are seeing the darkest outcome in every sphere of life. This is a serious depression and needs attention. The post above seems specifically to do with work. A lot of us can relate, for sure? What is it specfically? Earlier posts, I got the impression that your career plans in your opinion cant work out now that you are hiv+.But, in this post above, sounds like your job is on the line..I appreciate the poetry and feel the pain and anguish.But all the members here can give you empathy and advice and encouragement a little more constructive, perhaps, if you spell out some of the present challenges.

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“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

I was in a rare opportunity before my HIV diagnosis to save a whole lot of money with almost no expenses. The reason I joined the service was to come out of it with enough saved that I could feel secure. Before my HIV diagnosis, I was living in government quarters and receiving free food. I didn't need to buy furniture because it was provided also. Transportation, everything was provided. So, I saved over $2,000 (around 95% of my pay) each month. I was on track for $100,000 by the time I got out of the service around my 25th birthday. I liked the simplicity and minimalism because I wasn't being tied down by possessions, as I had in the past. It allowed me to live more freely and make moving both while I was in the service and when I got out an easier proposition because I could literally fit all of my belongings in a few suitcases and duffelbags, all while having a ton of money growing and 100% medical coverage at no cost to me. After my HIV diagnosis, I was forced to move back stateside, where pay is significantly less. Also, I was incorrectly told I would not be allowed to live in government quarters because of that and would need to find an off-post residence (ie. apartment). Because I had rid myself of all my belongings before I joined the service, I was now back in the same position. I bought thousands of dollars worth of new furniture, spent even more on a new car - and I didn't want any of it. But I was sort of pressured into buying these things from family knowing how much I had, and being still in a state of shock and extreme depression from my recent diagnosis and total life change - I wasted tens of thousands of dollars. Given that my main goal was saving money, I felt I had wasted all of my sacrifices and wasted years of my life for what? The chance to put myself back in a situation where I have a ton of bills and am forced to fork out the majority of my paycheck just to live? I didn't want that, I wanted to succeed, and I knew I had a golden opportunity. That's why I joined, that's why I did what I did. HIV changed all of that. Maybe you won't understand.

I was adament before that I would get out. I didn't like the military or it's rigid structure and discipline. I did it for the benefits and because I had no real options when I lost my job in 2008. My family wouldn't help me, and the housing market collapsed which I just happened to work in with no college education to fall back on. I also had an apartment full of stuff which I had to do something with. That led me to wanting to never be in that situation again, never be tied down by possessions again, never need to ask my family for help again, and be totally independent and self-reliant, and successful. I was determined. Now, because I have all of these bills to pay, this apartment of stuff I have to maintain, i'm back to the drawing board. I found out I would be unable to re-enlist unless I reclassed, which means re-training for a completely new job which would force me to move again to another base for months, possibly up to a year. Then after that, I would be needs of the Army, and could be moved anywhere in the country. I'm currently home and near my family after having been gone for years. I want stability and security, and the realization that I won't have that is extremely discouraging and stressful. If I get out, what will I do to get by? The economy is fucking terrible still. I still don't know how my medical will be covered. So, I'm just facing a lot of uncertainty and I feel like I wasted so much and blew my only shot to be successful as I saw it.

Ok I understand completely, infact! What a rotten bum deal by the military. And now, back to expenses, stuff, and no savings, all this uncertainty. There is no way to sugarcoat it. There is no pollyanna response I can offer.

Maybe just the reality. You are young and are learning some things at least. For instance, recreate the mefist determinism that you had in Europe again in the USA. If you felt pressured to recreate a household, but resent it, well, you seem to say nobody cares about you, but you did something under pressure by people? Nobody held a gun to your head about a new car. New? How big is the apartment, and why? How much stuff did you buy and why? You wanted a spartan life. What happened?

Otherwise, I think you should settle into the now and start getting answers about so many different things.If you like the stability and insurance of the military job, maybe you should stick around and see where it might lead. If in the near future, it means a move to another location, see if theres a way to pare down. Yeah, it will be at a loss, but if it leads to a steady military job in another location and a chance for some of the savings you like, that would be going forward.

Sooner or later you have to think of long term plans for a livelihood. Are you sure the present position can't be a stepping stone? If you need to retrain, what do you want to do?

You are young and you shouldn't throw away all your twenties thinking you've made irreparable mistakes. Everyone makes mistakes. Even big ones. Still, you got a job, you have moxie, you have discipline. Can you slowly mix some important new things into your life - like a sex life or love life, and making friends? Anyone can have friends if they make a point of it.

« Last Edit: October 30, 2011, 05:28:50 PM by mecch »

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“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Its just that your post is so dark and filled with frustration. What kind of response do you want here? I think you have some heavy anxiety to deal with. That's not saying there is no reason to feel anxious. Of course there is. But going forward you have got to create a few spheres of life that can return something good to you, when one or another is going badly, or filled with stress.Look at it this way. You do have a job. You do have insurance. You have a home and a little cash in the wallet. So the glass is half filled at the moment.

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“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

I see a lot of me in this post. I got therapy and an antidepressant from my psychiatrist. Finding the 'sweet spot' with the medication is the difficult part. It works. You need an antidepressant..it works wonders and will help you get through this difficult time in your life. Life is UNFAIR and all of us have been through that sort of up and down you are going through. When you've been knocked down in life you have but one choice - GET UP! STAND-UP! TAKE A STEP FORWARD! Come-on, you can do it. Everyone gets knocked down. You are a wonderful man regardless of your ambition, drive and whatever ticker tape you have running in your head that someone put there and you bought into. You are not your ambition, just as you are not your HIV. Those emotions are there, but they are not you. If you were given breathing room, you undoubtedly would choose not to hurt yourself.

Go take the time and get medicated.

This reminds me of how I would get the flu and suffer for 6 weeks when had I seen the doctor in the first three days I would have cut back my suffering by 5 weeks.

I just wanted to thank you Mecch and 73599 for your wisdom and encouragement.

What initially prompted these negative thoughts and feelings was learning that after 6 months, my job was still overstrength and will be for the foreseeable future; meaning I wouldn't be able to have the luxury of still living here and keeping my job. I guess I had just assumed I would be able to and rationalized that I didn't want to move anymore. The other was that I've felt inadequate after having been through some tumultuous relationships with family, friends, and girlfriends. I've just been tired of placing these other people higher on my priorities than myself, because it's only caused me more pain. Tired of being ignored by people and feeling like I would always be there to help them in a hearbeat, only to be rejected and isolated from them.

As far as my job, I do have a few options. Their is a program that is tailor made for service members in similar situations as me. Some jobs are understrength and are incentivized with bonuses. The contracts vary from 2 to 6 years. The longer the contract, the larger the bonus. The one that looks the most promising is in intelligence, and also offers the largest bonus at $16,500 for 6 years. That would put me at 10 years of total service and halfway towards retirement (eligible for a pension and free healthcare for life after 20 years of service). I would be able to retire at age 41. In the mean-time, I would have a steady paycheck with excellent benefits and comprehensive health-care coverage at no cost (no premiums or deductibles). The downside is that I would have to move again for training and a new duty station thereafter. There are many more rules and laws to follow and there is far less freedom and privacy. The rank-and-file, disciplined, and rigid structure has never been something I liked, but the benefits are clear.

My other option is to simply seperate from the service next year upon completion of my enlistment. This is what I had originally planned to do, but I did so with the idea I would have at least $100,000 saved at 25 and no medical problems. I might have only half of that by next year. I know I'll be eligible for at least some medical benefits because I was diagnosed on active-duty, which is service connected. I don't know to what extent, although I would presume most of my medical costs would still be covered. Determination of eligiblity for benefits and compensation doesn't begin until 6 months prior to seperation. If I was to get out, I would likely go to school full-time as my tuition would be 100% covered under the G.I. Bill, and I could receive a monthly housing allowance each month if I was a full-time student to help cover the cost of living (for up to 3 years). There is more long-term uncertainty in this option, but more freedom and stability as far as where I live and what I choose to do. I could try to work part-time or also pursue a full-time government position in I.T. (my field) but without a degree and extensive work history, there's no guarantee, especially in this economy.

To summarize, the pay is good and steady, the benefits are outstanding, and I would be able to retire with a pension at a fairly young age. However, I would also have to move yet again and live away from my home and family; giving up a lot of my freedoms in the process. Going to college would allow me to earn a degree in something I was truly passionate in and enjoyed, but wouldn't offer any guarantees or stability as far as pay and benefits. I guess if I truly loved the military, it would make this decision a lot easier, but I don't. I joined because I felt it was the best thing for me to do, and I feel it may still be the best option given my circumstances.

Focus on the positives in your life not the negatives. I know easier said than done but just remember there is always somebody who is worse off than you. Be thankful for another day. Take one day at a time otherwise you will just overwhelm yourself and stress yourself out. It will not do you any good to harp on things that you cannot change. LIVE IN THE HERE AND NOW. You are NOT alone. Also remember just as others said HIV does not define a person. Chin up!

Sometimes I feel exactly the way you do, and it's hard as hell. Two months ago, I attempted suicide, and when I was in the psychiatric hospital, I suddenly had this realization that I had to take control of my life and make it what I wanted it to be. Shame, guilt, and regret are useless emotions, and I refuse to let them control me any longer. Life may turn out different than what I had planned, but damn it, I'm going to make sure my life turns out good. You can do the same. My heart goes out to you.

I'm doing as well as I ever have since my diagnosis. HIV no longer controls my thoughts or my life. It is essentially on the back-burner. I do what I need to in order to take care of myself. It took me a long time to fully come to terms with all the change I've endured this past year, but I finally have. In the process I've learned a lot about myself. I've realized I have more strength than I ever could have imagined. I'm going to be separating from the service next November, and I'm ok with that now. I'm not going to stress over the things I cannot control. As another poster mentioned, when one door closes another one opens. I have some great options and benefits at my disposal. Nothing was stopping me from achieving the things I want but my own self-imposed limitations, and that's no more. It's been great to be close with my family again and be apart of my two year old nephew's life. I don't regret anymore. I know that everything I've ever done I wanted at that point in time. Life is unpredictable and can take us down many paths. It is a precious thing which we should make the most of for we only live once. It's all fallen into place.

"Everything will fall right into place. When we die, some sink and some lay. But at least I don't see you float away.It all will fall, fall right into place."

I'm doing as well as I ever have since my diagnosis. HIV no longer controls my thoughts or my life. It is essentially on the back-burner. I do what I need to in order to take care of myself. It took me a long time to fully come to terms with all the change I've endured this past year, but I finally have. In the process I've learned a lot about myself. I've realized I have more strength than I ever could have imagined. I'm going to be separating from the service next November, and I'm ok with that now. I'm not going to stress over the things I cannot control. As another poster mentioned, when one door closes another one opens. I have some great options and benefits at my disposal. Nothing was stopping me from achieving the things I want but my own self-imposed limitations, and that's no more. It's been great to be close with my family again and be apart of my two year old nephew's life. I don't regret anymore. I know that everything I've ever done I wanted at that point in time. Life is unpredictable and can take us down many paths. It is a precious thing which we should make the most of for we only live once. It's all fallen into place.

"Everything will fall right into place. When we die, some sink and some lay. But at least I don't see you float away.It all will fall, fall right into place."

Fan-freaking-tastic! I'm glad you got yourself to a better place. It can be a struggle, but it's so worth it and the satisfaction of having pulled yourself up by your bootstraps is priceless. The satisfaction of not only knowing, but also accepting yourself is equally priceless.

You may still have some dark days ahead - we all go through that from time to time - but now you know you have the strength to work though it and come back out into the light again. I'm really happy for you.

"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Thanks Ann. I couldn't have done it without all the tremendous knowledge, advice, and wisdom I received from the members of this forum. This is my support group, and I'm grateful for it. Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to offer their words of encouragement to me over the last 10 months. It feels great to finally live again.

This is pretty surreal, but my father passed away last night. He went into cardiac arrest and his heart stopped for 25 minutes before they brought him back. He fought hard enough to stay alive so that his family could be there and see him one last time. He died peacefully and with dignity, but we are so shocked and devastated. 23 years is not enough time to have with my dad. He was my "rock" for nearly my entire life. I could turn to him for anything. When I was diagnosed, he was the first person I called. The shame I felt was for him, because I wanted nothing more than for him to be proud of me. He was the smartest person I ever knew and taught me how to be a man. Failure was never an option when I was growing up because he knew what I was capable of. Yet he was so loving. I feel terrible for having hardly seen him the last 9 months since I have been back home. I spent Thanksgiving with him and he even came down to see my new apartment a week ago. I hope he was comforted knowing his youngest son is self-reliant and independent, just like he raised me to be. He had a way of always making me calm. I remember the day I left for basic training, and telling him I couldn't go. I'll never forget what he told me: "Son, I know it's hard. But you need to do this. Sometimes you just have to jump with both feet forward." I knew then that he was right (as he always was). It was one of the hardest goodbye's of my life. I wish I didn't have to say my last one's. Dad, thank you for supporting me, helping me, and raising me. I hope that you were as proud of me as your son as I was of you as my father. I will miss your comforting embrace, your witty sense of humor, and your unconditional love. You meant more to me than anything, and you will always be with me. I will miss you more than words could ever explain. I love you so much dad, and I always will. I know you've given me the strength to persevere through anything, but it will be so much harder without you here. Without your words, your guidance, and your comfort. Rest in peace dad. You will forever be apart of me.

dbp, I am so sorry for your loss. Your father sounds like a wonderful human being, man and father. It sounds as though a very big part of him will live on in your heart, and someday you'll be able to pass that wisdom on to your own children, and perhaps nieces and nephews.

Please know that we have your back as you go through the next week or so. Keep putting one foot in front of the other and you'll get through it all. Your father was and will be proud of you.

"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Sorry for your loss, dpb. I never had a father on whom I could count, so cherish those memories and he will continue being your rock. That he may always give you strength, as you continue moving forward, as you have.

Sorry for the loss of your father - he sounds like he was a strong influence and support in your life. It is wonderful that you all had the relationship you did.

Having lost my father fairly quickly 8 months ago, I know how difficult it can be. My father and I were also close, he was my support in so many areas of my life, and always provided a listening ear - we talked every morning before I would leave for work and several times each day.

I find my comfort in reflecting on the great times him and I shared and knowing that I can still hold conversations with him - or sometimes I simply sit and let him know how much I miss him.

His passing has actually fueled me to try to live my life in ways that I know would make him smile - and to try to emulate some of the qualities he possessed. To me, that is the best tribute I can continue to give to a man that meant so much to me.

Know that you can lean on members here for support - and continue on knowing that you have friends here that are willing to listen.

My family has completely broken apart. I've tried to be neutral, but somehow I ended up being the middle-man and being attacked for it by 3 of my siblings and their spouses. Told to go to hell and that they will not attend my father's funeral. Told me they never want to see me again. Told "fuck you, fuck you, fuck you." Now I'm the asshole. I'm the bad guy somehow. I don't even want to be here anymore. I don't want to go to my father's own funeral now. I am sick to the point of nausea, migraines, and aches. I want to shut off my phone, delete my e-mail, delete my social media accounts, change my name, and shut down. I've lost the person who was closest to me in my whole life, and now my relationships with most of my family has been severed permanently. I have only a few people I even can consider family now. I want to go home, go into my apartment, and shut myself off from the rest of the world. I don't want to talk, I don't want to see or be seen. I don't know if I will be able to live like this. Just when I get to the point when I've accepted my life and my mistakes, I somehow become public enemy number one when all I wanted was to stay neutral and keep the peace between siblings. The stress and ache I feel is almost overwhelming. I have nearly lost everything, and I don't want to have it back. I don't want to talk to them again. I don't want to love them again. I don't want to be loved again. I want to fade into oblivion without a word.

When I read your story it was, as if, I had written it. I know what your going thru, the guilt, The shame for "letting yourself and your family down", the feeling like a failure, the feeling like you waisted the life you were given. I also feel all of that. I wish I could offer some kind of wisdom that could say to take these feelings away. No one should have to endure these thoughts and feelings. I have wished that I could go into a deep sleep permanently and I let myself get to the point that I could not trust myself.

I hope one day I will find the solution for me and I pray that you will too. I know this does not change what your feeling, but know that your not alone. I waited too long before seeking help. It cost me 72 hours of my life and freedom. Being watched and told when and where I could eat, drink, smoke. I was allowed 1 five minute call per day after the first 48 hours. I felt like a criminal. Please don't let it get to that point. So many people here, begged me to seek help and I waited till it was almost too late. I am now seeking help in changing my thought patterns and I pray I will find someone that can help me accomplish this goal.

My father's sudden death has caused a chain of events which is literally tearing our entire family apart. I've somehow become public enemy #1, stuck in the middle, who was only trying to be neutral. There were some outstanding issues that were directly related to my father and other members of my family. My father's problems are now our problems, and it has escalated to the point of almost hostility. This is so, so surreal. I cannot believe it. I want to go home and shut myself off from the rest of the world.

2011 has been without question the most difficult year of my life. It began with the news that my cousin I grew up with had attempted suicide in early January and was hospitalized in critical condition. Three days later I was diagnosed with HIV on my mother's birthday and informed that I would be sent back to the United States; prohibited from ever serving overseas again. A week later, on my 23rd birthday, I had to work a 24 hour shift in absolute terror. Firmly believing every second of that shift that my life was over and everything I had worked for was for nothing. It wasn't long before I would come to find out that the girl I had been with for 10 months had infected me and lied to me about nearly every aspect of her life. She stopped answering my calls and abandoned me, as did another close person in my life when I needed her the most. I flew home and met my family at the airport. Head held low full of shame, regret, humiliation, and despair. I had to inform my command of my diagnosis when I arrived and sign documentation stating what I would and would not do as an HIV positive soldier. I then had to sign the same documents again with a case worker, and my doctor. Told I could no longer live in government quarters and had to live in off-post housing when I had no vehicle, no furniture, and no previous intentions or preparations of acquiring them anytime soon. I blew through half of my savings that I worked so hard for. Hastily spent tens of thousands of dollars. Diagnosed with Ankylosing Spondylitis (a type of arthritis that affects the spine/hips) and osteopenia. Was accused by a relative of "using my disease as an excuse to take advantage of my family" after getting upset that this individual retracted her offer to help me at a time I needed it, but didn't want to accept it. Fell into deep depression, and considered suicide for the first time in my life. Fatigue was overwhelming and I soon lacked energy, aspiration, and ambition which was once my main motivation in life. Relationship problems. Disclosure. Being told during a breakup by my ex-girlfriend that she hoped she could use her humorous qualities to "land a guy that didn't have HIV and wouldn't be dead" before her. Family problems. Screaming. Fighting. Overreactions. People I expected to be there for me completely absent when I needed them. Then a few weeks ago, just as I think I finally turn it around, I lose the person I was closest to in this entire world: my father. My rock. Somehow, as quickly as he passed, my family begins attacking eachother, and I'm in the middle of it. Told they never want to see me again and to "go to hell" and "fuck you, fuck you, fuck you" only days after my father had died. All this over nothing. It was a complete overreaction, followed by manipulation of others to believe I was this terrible person who told certain members of my family that they couldn't attend my father's funeral (which was not the case at all). Now, I've either been disowned or have disowned the majority of my family. I have only 10 months of guaranteed income. Beyond that, I am facing unemployment and insecurity.

No, I will not miss 2011 at all. But after all the hardship, I am still here. If I have gained anything, it is that I am stronger and more resilient than I ever could have imagined. I'm trying to turn a new chapter and put this unthinkably horrendous year behind me. I hope that 2012 is better for all of us. Happy New Years, everyone.

But after all the hardship, I am still here. If I have gained anything, it is that I am stronger and more resilient than I ever could have imagined. I'm trying to turn a new chapter and put this unthinkably horrendous year behind me. I hope that 2012 is better for all of us. Happy New Years, everyone.

Relationship problems. Disclosure. Being told during a breakup by my ex-girlfriend that she hoped she could use her humorous qualities to "land a guy that didn't have HIV and wouldn't be dead" before her. Family problems. Screaming. Fighting. Overreactions. People I expected to be there for me completely absent when I needed them. Then a few weeks ago, just as I think I finally turn it around, I lose the person I was closest to in this entire world: my father. My rock. Somehow, as quickly as he passed, my family begins attacking eachother, and I'm in the middle of it. Told they never want to see me again and to "go to hell" and "fuck you, fuck you, fuck you" only days after my father had died. All this over nothing. It was a complete overreaction, followed by manipulation of others to believe I was this terrible person who told certain members of my family that they couldn't attend my father's funeral (which was not the case at all). Now, I've either been disowned or have disowned the majority of my family. I have only 10 months of guaranteed income. Beyond that, I am facing unemployment and insecurity.

Not only did HIV change so much about your present, and future plans, your pop died. So all this relationship drama is just too too much. Really, how can people, girlfriends, family, be so STUPID and CRUEL, when confronted with a death or a shocking illness!! You really did not need this as the icing on the cake.If your dad was such a great guy, and raised you, a great guy, I am hoping that some in the family will eventually come around. Meanwhile, you are just going to get wiser and stronger and be a better person than all these people and their immature acting out. I hope you do find better people, we all need the best people, or at least kindness and simple human empathy. I'm visiting my ancient grandma these days and she has always always had this simple dignity towards others, even when other family members could be such jerks. I hope you discover the other pearls in your family, I'm sure there's another to be found.

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“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Wow..almost twin sons from different mothers here. 23 years living w/ AIDS and to what end, eh?I too wish at times I could just go to sleep and never wake up. I self-committed this past Spring because I knew my thinking wasn't right. I would never commit suicide as I've seen first-hand the path of destruction it leaves behind. That being said, I had a t.i.a. two years ago. No debilitating side effects. But has left me pondering the "what-if's" and "what-now's"...Like others before have written: put one foot in front of the other, seek professional help - that's what they're there for. So for now, I walk. Get fresh air. Go downtown to the library and read a book. I will be volunteering at a local film festival..all trying to keep connected and maybe make new friends and keep me out of "myself' if for just a night, day or a few hours. WE can be our own worst enemy.

dpb Just read this entire post rather carefully. I am really sorry for all that you have gone through over the past year. It just sucks. Period. Dealing with a HIV diagnosis and ALL that it entails can be overbearing to one's soul. Yet alone, deal with a death of a close dad, family issues, job issues, etc. So sorry. In a lot of ways, as other's have also stated - I have seen you in me. You are not alone in that regard! You hadn't posted in awhile and I am now just reading this so just thought I'd check in and see if you are doing okay. I hope 2012 is treating you a bit better.

i was just recently diagnosed, and turned on to this site and found your posts about two weeks ago. i've read through almost everything and would like to talk to you if you're up for it. reading what you've written is like reading my own thoughts....

i'm not too familiar with this site yet and i'm pretty sure what i'm typing here is visible to the world, and i'd rather not broadcast everything just yet.

i don't know how to get in touch - maybe you could help me with that - if you're interested....

Hi astoriaguy11 ... welcome to the forums . After you have posted 3 times you can send and receive personal messages , so after two more post you will be able to send dpd a message that is private . Hope this helps .

I have read over your thread and feel for you. In fact I just lost my dad as well a little over a month ago.

I used to work for Disabled American Veterans, and let me advise you that if you contacted HIV in service as well as your ankylosis, and the other thing you said, all of these as you indicated are service connected, not only can you get compensation for them, but full treatment at the VA to include meds. If given enough of a percentage in disability they will also pay for schooling (tech or degree) which will mean no school debt and the ability to obtain employment in the civilian sector. Be sure to make copies of all your medical records before exiting the military. Let me if you'd like more info.

Everyone's life is the one they've created for themselves. We all feel guilty or cheated at times. In reading you story you seem to have a lot going for you. Not only things that will spiral you upwards in the civilian world but also as far as your health and HIV treatment. Start making a list of your blessings (don't need to write them but do begin a resume' ,I bet it will impress you ) , by this I mean strengths , positive qualities and attributes. Then begin a plan . As difficult as it may seem make a plan or two,one for staying in the service and one for leaving. The act of making and the feeling of having ,a plan, in and of themselves will be a relief. I've been on the skids many of times. One thing to remember is never be afraid to ask for help. Read the many posts in these forums as I have been doing. there is a lot and I mean pillars of support in just reading the posts and accounts of people's lives wwith HIV. You and I are lucky in that we've found a wonderful place. I've especially enjoyed Ann's Blog about life in general with HIV. I am with you when it comes to guilty feelings and fear. Being much older , 54 , I know that I must have plans in place and begin to live a more regimened life. Keep all informed and keep seeking counseling. ad astra per aspera

i was just recently diagnosed, and turned on to this site and found your posts about two weeks ago. i've read through almost everything and would like to talk to you if you're up for it. reading what you've written is like reading my own thoughts....

i'm not too familiar with this site yet and i'm pretty sure what i'm typing here is visible to the world, and i'd rather not broadcast everything just yet.

i don't know how to get in touch - maybe you could help me with that - if you're interested....

-- astoriaguy11

Astoria, welcome to the forums. I'm sorry to hear of your diagnosis, but rest assured that you have come to a great place for support and information. I'd be more than happy to be of any help. Feel free to message me anytime. With that said, I hope you're doing alright. Keep your head up, and remember to take care of yourself. As a wiser man once said: "This too shall pass."

I have read over your thread and feel for you. In fact I just lost my dad as well a little over a month ago.

I used to work for Disabled American Veterans, and let me advise you that if you contacted HIV in service as well as your ankylosis, and the other thing you said, all of these as you indicated are service connected, not only can you get compensation for them, but full treatment at the VA to include meds. If given enough of a percentage in disability they will also pay for schooling (tech or degree) which will mean no school debt and the ability to obtain employment in the civilian sector. Be sure to make copies of all your medical records before exiting the military. Let me if you'd like more info.

All the best, Heidi

My sincere condolences for the loss of your father, Heidi.

Thank you for the advice. I've already submitted my pre-discharge disability claims with the Department of Veteran's Affairs recently, as well as an application for the Vocational Rehabilitation & Employment program which you were referring to. I also applied for the Post 9/11 G.I. Bill, which is another great educational benefit at my disposal. And yes, I contracted HIV and developed some form of autoimmune disorder/spondyloarthropathy while on active-duty. I was also recently diagnosed with osteoperosis. Their are other conditions as well that will hopefully be service-connected. I have a copy of my medical records. I'm awaiting examinations from civilian doctors for the VA disability claims.

Everyone's life is the one they've created for themselves. We all feel guilty or cheated at times. In reading you story you seem to have a lot going for you. Not only things that will spiral you upwards in the civilian world but also as far as your health and HIV treatment. Start making a list of your blessings (don't need to write them but do begin a resume' ,I bet it will impress you ) , by this I mean strengths , positive qualities and attributes. Then begin a plan . As difficult as it may seem make a plan or two,one for staying in the service and one for leaving. The act of making and the feeling of having ,a plan, in and of themselves will be a relief. I've been on the skids many of times. One thing to remember is never be afraid to ask for help. Read the many posts in these forums as I have been doing. there is a lot and I mean pillars of support in just reading the posts and accounts of people's lives wwith HIV. You and I are lucky in that we've found a wonderful place. I've especially enjoyed Ann's Blog about life in general with HIV. I am with you when it comes to guilty feelings and fear. Being much older , 54 , I know that I must have plans in place and begin to live a more regimened life. Keep all informed and keep seeking counseling. ad astra per aspera

Thanks for reaching out.

I'm doing much better now than when I wrote much of that. I'm not currently seeing my psychiatrist, but I can always schedule an appointment at any time. I'm still a work in progress. After all, I was diagnosed with an "adjustment disorder with mixed emotional features" including depression and anxiety. But in retrospect, I know I've made significant strides. I tend to focus more now on what I can control and not what I can't.

"Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the strength to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

The Serenity prayer greatly influenced my father's life. He not only believed it, he lived it. Although I am not spiritual or religious by any means, that way of thinking is what has helped enable me to move forward. I try to look at my mistakes as an opportunity to learn and grow. I'm grateful that I have been afforded that privilege. Although challenging and painful, the experiences I've had have made me a stronger, more resilient, compassionate, understanding, and wise individual.

"Failure is the key to success; each mistake teaches us something." -Morihei Ueshiba

I still battle with guilt and regret from time-to-time, but ultimately, I find a way to get through it. One foot in front of the other. I remember him telling me once that the only constant is change. I understood it, but couldn't relate to it then. Change requires adjustment; adjustment requires acceptance. I realize now how simple yet profound and important that lesson was.

"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Wow! You are stronger than you ever thought! Please be strong and push against this circumstance; I will do the same. We are both strong resilient men who are capable of leading our lives in the midst of much adversity.

Wow! You are stronger than you ever thought! Please be strong and push against this circumstance; I will do the same. We are both strong resilient men who are capable of leading our lives in the midst of much adversity.

Thanks 735, and here here! I hope you're doing well, and are continuing to persevere in the face of tribulation. We will not allow this disease, or any other hardship for that matter, to defeat us.

I really appreciate that, friend. Being able to help even one person relate to the same challenges they may have experienced or currently are, and articulate them in a manner that can help them overcome it - is one of the most gratifying feelings ever.

I'm indebted to everyone who has taken the time to offer their encouragement, sage advice, and unwavering support. Thank you all.

Thank you for all of your help and support over the last year and a half, Ann. You've given me some great advice during many times of need.

You're welcome. It's nice to know I've been of some help.

How are you? I hope you're feeling better than you were a few weeks ago. I know that feeling of having to start over numerous times - I think I've finally got it right this time (about time too, I'm nearly 50).

"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

One way out is for people suffering how to adjust to being HIV+ to work on seeing HIV as a virus. Just that. All the social meanings put on it, all the emotional meanings, all the moral ones - this makes life miserable but its ALL in people's heads. Including our own. So one way out is to empty one's own head. It might take time. But you'll have the bigger awareness of the world and a vastly reduced ability to feel shame - OTHER people are trapped in their little worlds and too bad for them, bird brains, if they have a problem with HIV and HIV+ people.

« Last Edit: August 07, 2012, 09:01:12 AM by mecch »

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“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx