What, Mom? Yeah, I got first aid and my bruises are all treated. The splinters were pulled and the burns have been bandaged. Yeah, I'm fine, thanks for asking. And I got some sleep. Yeah, I knw we got past 17 Grand thanks to all that doggerel. Glad I could help, sweet of you to say so. No, I haven't gotten cards or letters. Rapaireposted another boat song. I'm glad you liked the rhymes. You know I allus will do what I can do. No, actually, no-one else has said anything, but that doesn't mean....Mom!! Not the bamboo rod!! They don't deserve that! They wus busy!! Please, cool off, wouldja? Here, let me get you as martini...

If you'll pardon the digression into muysic releated tales - over the weekend I found about 20 verses to Ton O' Bedlam-- so I'm gonna mix and match and pick and choose and come up with my "own" version.

Gotta an invite to sing at an open mike at the church saturday - and have a gig at the Hudson Valley MayFaire first week of May. So it's timely.

Didja hear about the time Jesus was out walking around Heaven incognito, and he wandered into a small, obscure section of the Heavenly City. Down a quaint alley he heard hammering and sawing and, having spent part of his life as a carpenter, he was interested and walked down to the door of a small shop.

There inside was an old, bearded man, his gnarled hands using a plane to smooth a board. Jesus said, "That's nice work, old man."

And the old man replied, "Yes, I enjoy it even here. I only wish that my son was here to work with me. He was a very special person, though...he wasn't human. And I haven't seen him in many, many years."

And a light dawned in Jesus's mind, and he said, choking back tears, he exclaimed, "FATHER!"

Yeah, there are a whole bunch of us. Uncles of the Lens, Great-Aunts Twiced Removed On Uncle Worsel's Side of the Lens, Natural Children of the Lens, Unnatural Children of the Lens, Orphans of the Lens, Adopted Children of the Lens, Foster Children of the Lens, Best Friends of Sisters of the Lens' Best Friend's Boy Friend's Neighbor of the Lens...just lots of us.

In August of this year. The Hadron collider http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Large_Hadron_Collider will be switched on and power proton particle streams at such velocities that their mass will exceed that of a couple city buses and create a collision that may open new doors to an understanding of particle physics, dimensions, black holes, dark matter and the search for the elusive Higgs boson.

I've been aloft in gale and breeze, All across the Southern Ocean, But a defter dodger ne'er I seed Than Higgs, the absent Bosun. He'd sign the sheet, before we sailed, And promise work a-plenty, But searching for him down below, The bosun's bunk was empty. He warn't on deck, nor up aloft, Nor in the locker round, He wasn't curled up by the gun. He was nowhere to be found!

One night off the Newfoundland shoals All hands were called for watches, The fog had grown as thick as mud Which before had just been patches. The chaplain was even sent aloft, From the stabbd yard to dandle, Thinking from there, he'd be more apt Some miracle to handle.

But no-one took the topmast perch, As we cruised the fog-blind ocean. That weas the station, at such times, Reserved for the old ship's bosun. We mighta had a chance that night, Through pea-soup fog a-gliding But no-one saw the Hadron's lights Before we were colliding.

Our ship was never built for such, A trader, not a fighter, And most of the hands went down with her, That poor Hadron collider. I lost a lot of friends of mine, In the freezing, midnight ocean; And I curse until the end of time, "Goddamn that Higgs, the bosun!!"

No question. It is just not at risk, and hence does not need to be saved. The dignity of the First Vowel shelters ALL the letters from harm. This is the secret behind the fact that every other letter is always happy to form a phoneme with the First Vowel. Other vowels, with less dignity (I am thinking in particular of "Y" here") do not enjoy such universal support from their colleages in the alphabet industry. There are, for example, axes and oxen, but nary an yxe.

A recent partial transcription of various Linear 'B" fragments from anciant Crete have been rendered thusly:

And it shall come to pass, that the Great Vowel Shift shall come over the world, and the First shall be Last, and the Last shall be First. There shall be no more axes and oxen, but yxes and ixun shyll flierosh bunuyth the vyelts of the huyvuns ynd yll shyll bu ys irdyonud.

I think you write heresy, good MM. You are, after all, a man of Ms. Your transcript strikes me as finctional -- it could not be authentic. But for it to be heretical, it must not only fly in the face of alphabetical orthodoxy, but it must ALSO pass the test of violating the doctrine of a religion.

I am half-tempted, therefore, to found yet another religious organization, the Church of the Alphabet, with its Order of the Vowels for those who wish to dedicate their lives wholly to the Purposes laid down so long ago by the Deus Alphabeticus, and the Order of the Consonants for those laymen who wish to particpate only part of the time.

Ideas for services, prayers, hymns, and doctrinal lessons are welcome. If someone could come up with a mess of absolutely improbable tales about the divine interference of the Alphabet God in the lives of ordinary mortals in ancient history, which we could then present as historical fact, not to be questioned, it would be really great.

Well, personally, I am always in favor of people getting laid. But as far as the Church of the Alphabet is concerned, we are concerned with higher things, and leave such decisions up to the individual.

Ah, MM, you have laden me with exertions this morning. I have consulted with the eldest of the Alphabetic Elders concerning your excellent questions. They offer the following guidance:

What is the Canon of the Church of the Alphabet regarding such writings as "On Beyond Zebra"?

The Church encourages exploration of Alphabetical Glory in general, but admonishes adherents not to resort to heretical combinations or to lightly abandon the centuries of wisdom that are inherent in the modern alphabet.

What is the stance of the Church on Syllabic writing, heiroglyphs and Pictographs?

Deus Alphabeticus has worked many wonders over the millenia while perfecting Its Best Begotten Alphabet, the one which we are now famililar with. These ancient wonders are not to be made less of. However, it is clear that such works were early trials at revealing Alphabetic Glory, and are not substitutes for the Real Alphabet as we now know it. In evidence of which, you will find that there are no children's songs reciting the Pictographic alphabet, are there? Such a song is impossible -- it would never scan. (Little dog, big dog, three-quarters of a square, Thing lilke a tree with wavy hair. Something kind of like an ampersand but bigger, arrow pointing at a 45 degree angle, circle with lines coming out of it, lady-face-looking-right... it's hopeless!)

(Were Pictographs the results of pre-celtic mathematics?)

They were a pre-enlightenment effort by ancient peoples to discover the Glory of the True Alphabet, but not a successful one.

Most importantly, what is the Church's stand on dipthongs?

Thongs of all kinds are encouraged as part of the Church's policy of encouraging ecumenical brotherhood with other religious organizations such as the honorable Temple of the Golden Globes.

So, ah, what about things like the intermixing of "I" and "J" or the use of "W" as a vowel? What about Hebrew vowels, which can be an important sticking point? Are there Secrets hidden in the Vowels, such as the one supposedly contained in the first four vowels of the Phonetic Alphabet: Alpha Echo India Oscar?

And what does the Church teach about shifting vowels around -- the so-called "vowel movement"?

All letters are brothers, good Rapaire. The First Vowel who speaks for Deus Alphabeticus himself has pronounced this as the First Lesson. In His Heart, there is even room for the unlettered (shudder) and the un-alphabetized.

But, within this generous and benevolent love, the True Alphabet is first among equals, and those letters are more brothers than the ones you mention.

As for vowel movements, of course there have been many throughout the glorious History of the Church. The Elder's Wisdom in this regard is to accept vowel movements as part of life, but not to foment or particularly encourage them. The Elder's guidance in this respect is, if you must make vowel movements, do so in private.

In this respect there is a common wisdom between The Church of the Alphabet and that of the Christians.