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Cleveland Brown Quotes

Cleveland: Boy, this election's gonna be a tight one.Quagmire: Probably gonna be decided by just a couple of votes.Peter: And here we are sitting here like a bunch of lazy paraplegic cops.Joe: Huh?Peter: Oh, I'm sorry, Joe. It's just an expression.Joe: Ah.

Cleveland: So how's the job hunt going?Peter: It's awful Cleveland, Quagmire blew every gig we got him.Quagmire: It's too bad, I really liked that job working on the Starship Enterprise. (Flashback to Quagmire on Starship Enterprise. He walks to Captain Kirk and whispers.) Dude, you got to introduce me to that black chick.

Quagmire: Hey, hey, hey, hey that's a stroke!Peter: I just tapped my ball, Quagmire. Relax.Quagmire: Oh relax, huh? Look, I just tapped my ball. Oh, just tapped it again. Tap, tap, tap...oh where is it? It's in the hole. Eagle. Yay Quagmire!(Quagmire bends his putter across his knee and throws it against the cart)Joe: Hey Quagmire, you know it's not fun when you're like this.Quagmire: You want fun? Go home and buy a monkey!Cleveland: What does that even mean?Quagmire: I don't know. (voice drops to normal) Boy, we've got a beautiful day for this.

Quagmire: What are you doing?Joe: I'm watching Bonnie undress.Cleveland: Bonnie's your wife.Joe: I like to watch her strip, and pretend she's a total stranger who looks exactly like my wife and lives in my house. Get naked, you strange whore!!

Peter: Who's sober enough to drive?(No one answers.)Peter: Ok, who's drunk, but that special kind of drunk where you're a better driver because you know you're drunk, you know the kind of drunk where you probably shouldn't drive, but you do anyways because, I mean come on, you got to get your car home, right? I mean what do they expect me do, take a bus? Is that what they want? For me to take a bus? Well screw that! You take a bus.Cleveland: I'm that kind of drunk.Peter: (Throws keys to Cleveland) Shotgun!

(Peter, Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire are in the Drunken Clam)Joe: Peter, you're urinating unusually frequently.Quagmire: Yeah, what gives?Shamus: If its gale force peein ya be doin, it could mean ya got barnacles on yer prostate. Best have sick bay check below yer decks.Peter: Wait a minute, are you telling me I need a prostate exam?Shamus: Aye, and soon, before your rudder jams with flotsam, and your droppin' anchor without an order from the captain. (pauses) How are you liking all of these nautical puns?Joe: Cute.Quagmire: Not bad.Cleveland: Somewhat entertaining.

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Death Star Officer 1: Any attack made by the Rebels against this station would be a useless gesture, no matter what technical data they've obtained. This station is now the ultimate power in the universe.Stewie (Darth Vader): That is fantastic! Terrific work! So no weaknesses at all, huh?Death Star Officer 1: N- (considers) no.Stewie (Darth Vader): You, uh, you hesitated there. Is there something I should know?Death Star Officer 1: No, it's virtually indestructable, like 99.99 percent.Stewie (Darth Vader): Uh...OK, wouldn't be doin' my job if I didn't ask what's the .01?Death Star Officer 1: Well, I- I mean, there's this little hole, it was kind of an aesthetic choice by the architect, and if you shoot a laser into this hole, uh, the station blows up.Stewie (Darth Vader): Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, that sounds like a pretty big design flaw there.Death Star Officer 1: No, no, no the hole's only two meters across.Mayor Adam West (Grand Moff Tarkin): Well, that's no bigger than a womp rat.Death Star Officer 1: Exactly. And even to get within range of it, you have to skim along this whole trench, it's not a big deal.Stewie (Darth Vader): Well, I mean, I mean, can't we board it up or, you know, put some plywood over it or something?Death Star Officer 1: Well, that would look terrible! I mean, we got to think about re-sale.Stewie (Darth Vader): Re-sale? Wh-what are you talking about? This property is right above Sunset, the value's only gonna go up.Death Star Officer 1: Lord Vader, your inside references to the Los Angeles real estate market haven't given you the clairvoyance to turn a profit on that condo in Glendale, nor has it- (Vader begins choking him with the Force)Stewie (Darth Vader): I find your lack of faith disturbing. That property is in a prime location, twenty minutes to the beach, twenty minutes to downtown!Death Star Officer 1: (choking) There's nothing to do downtown!Mayor Adam West (Grand Moff Tarkin): Enough of this! Vader, release him.Stewie (Darth Vader): As you wish. (releases the officer, who collapses on the table, gasping for air) All right, so we gonna plug up that hole?Death Star Officer 2: Yeah, we can get it done tomorrow if price is no object.Stewie (Darth Vader): Eyuuuuh...Death Star Officer 2: We'll get estimates.Stewie (Darth Vader): Yeah, get estimates, yeah ha, yeah, yeah ha ha, yeah.