I
am new to anal sex and enjoy it, despite the embarrassment
of occasional santorum. But I’ve wondered about this for a
while: Is the person receiving supposed to have an enema first?
I’ve heard about people “cleaning themselves out” and I assume
that’s because they don’t want to make any santorum, but is
that the real reason? Am I not being sensitive to my lover
if I don’t have an enema first and there is some santorum?
Is there any anal sex/santorum etiquette that I’m not aware
of and should be following?

—What
Is Santorum Etiquette —Anal Sex Satisfied

Santorum
happens. If it only happens once in a great while, WISEASS,
you don’t have to give yourself an enema before you let someone
fuck your butt. Should anyone attempt to make you feel bad
about a rare santorum moment, just remind him or her that
they’re fucking your butt. While it’s clear that butts
were designed for buttfucking—why would they call it buttfucking
if they weren’t?—your butt has other duties, like holding
up your pants, cushioning your seat, and allowing you to eliminate
waste. Tell ’em to deal. Then jump in the shower and pursue
some other sexual pleasures that don’t involve your temporarily
out-of-commission butt.

If, however, you find that santorum is always spoiling
the moment, you should administer enemas routinely, or take
top exclusively.

Every
porno I’ve seen with anal action (gay or straight) is pretty
much santorum-free. What’s the secret? I’m somewhat of a novice
to the whole back-porch scene, but all of my adventures have
ended up with santorum everywhere. I think some kind of super-enema
must be involved, while my girlfriend thinks all the porn
stars just make themselves take a crap before the shoot. Please
settle the debate once and for all.

—Santorum-Less
Intercourse Must Exist

“Both
SLIME and his girlfriend got it right,” says Ben Scuglia,
editor of Inside Porn Magazine. “Gay porn bottoms take
a nice dump, and they clear the pipes with a nice,
relaxing douche.” Ben recommends Fleet, a disposable enema
kit.

“Porn
buttholes are so clean, clean, clean you could eat off them,”
Ben continued, and you can see people doing just that in almost
all porn videos. “Porn is all about squeaky-clean fantasy;
even the dirty stuff is supervised and choreographed. Nothing
droops a dick faster than santorum slopping all over the damn
place, so porn bottoms make sure they’re clean as a whistle.
Sure, sometimes a dick dislodges something, but that footage
ends up on the cutting room floor.”

Among
the many problems in the world I believe santorum is up there
at the top of the list. Particularly the stain it leaves behind.
Now don’t get me wrong, the pleasure of anal sex is worth
any amount of ruined sheets. But as I get older and the number
of partners I share my bed with increases, the sheet count
starts to add up. I know the old laying down the towel trick,
but in the heat of the moment that’s, well, just so anal!
So how do you get rid of a santorum stain? I’ve gone as far
as using an oxy-cleaner, no dice, and that stain queen who
shows up on Oprah once in a while never mentions santorum.

—Save
Our Sheets

Sorry,
SOS, but santorum stains are almost impossible to get out.
(One dry cleaner I spoke to suggested gasoline and a match.)
Which is why I recommend deep blue, forest green, or dark
gray sheets to confirmed buttfuckers everywhere. Santorum
stains you can’t see aren’t santorum stains you have to worry
about.

Per
your request for santorum-related stories: I worked my way
through college as a professional boy-toy, availing myself
to anyone with a rubber and a couple hundred bucks. Well this
one guy, an older black man, offered me more money if I’d
let him fuck me while “dirty,” as he called it. Needing the
money for lab fees, among other things, I wasn’t in a position
to turn him down. So he would call me a couple days in advance,
tell me to “get ready” (not crap) and proceed to fuck me until
my butt was sufficiently covered in crap and lube, basically
playing in the santorum until he came. As he apparently couldn’t
find another boy willing to placate his particular desires,
I was able to pay my way through college by the virtue of
one guy’s love for santorum. This is my equivalent of the
GI Bill. God Bless Rick Santorum and all he stands for, or
at least God bless santorum and the men who love it and are
willing to pay to play with it. Ah, what a country!

—My
Education Santorum Serviced

The
new meaning of santorum is, what, three weeks old? And already
people are trying to pervert it! Santorum is not an inch-thick
layer of crap and lube all over your ass, MESS. Santorum is
that frothy mix of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes
the byproduct of anal sex. It is never, ever the point
of anal sex. Picture an amber-hued froth, MESS, not an inch-thick
layer of crap. That’s not santorum, that’s just scat.

Last
weekend, traveling to my brother’s wedding, my boyfriend and
I decided to spend the weekend at the Ritz (always better
than staying with family). As is our usual custom, we partook
of many carnal pleasures. Sometimes, to get better penetration
during anal sex, my boyfriend uses a pillow to elevate his
ass. On this particular trip, our romp caused a fair amount
of santorum to spill out and stain the pillow. What would
you consider an adequate tip to compensate the housekeeping
staff for its troubles in cleaning up the santorum stain?
We left $20 for the night.

—Made
an Icky, Dirty Stain

To
hell with the housekeeping staff, MAIDS, what about the next
poor schmuck who has to lay his head down on that santorum-soaked
pillow? For crying out loud, lay down a towel next time, or
fuck your leaky boyfriend in the tub, or fuck him on the floor,
like the dog he is! But don’t molest pillows that we all have
to share, MAIDS!

You
treat Senator Santorum as if he is the only one in the USA
to have that name. Let me inform you that there are other
Santorums across the country. What about children and teenagers
in Santorum families? Imagine them being stuck for the rest
of you life with a sex act for a last name! Or, better yet,
imagine being “holy fucked” with lawsuits from other folks
named Santorum. You’re skating on a very thin ice here, dude.

—Santorum
Is Not My Last Name, Thank God!

Sorry,
SINMYLNTG, but innocent people named Santorum will just have
to deal with it, just like guys named Dick and girls named
Peg and people named Lewinsky. If other folks named Santorum
are angry about what’s happened to their last names, well,
they should direct their anger at the jackass senator himself.
He’s the one who brought santorum down on all their heads,
not me.