Last week, many teams whisked by on the strength of baby showers and an abundance of endurance, but this week is a cautionary tale about never becoming comfortable in a boon. After what appeared to be one of the most substantial match-ups of the series thus far, Week 5 has gone kaput, a challenge for all the teams in the league—despite the potential play opportunities of Halloween, aprés-baby shower antics, birthday and pregnancies. Still, there were no real upsets. Team Nobody continued to dominate, while Team I Thought You Hate Hot Pink slipped further into a rut.

TEAM NOBODY

Kylie Jenner

Blog mentions: +45

App mentions: +11

Product shill: 0!!!!!!

New hair (qualified score for Halloween): +3

New face accessory on mag cover: +5

Interview in major magazine: +5

Appearance in Tyga music video: -3

Rob Kardashian

Blog mentions: +2

Bambi and Norman Jenner

Blog mentions: +0

PUBLIC SHIT: +5

Reign Disick

Blog mentions: +4

Total yardage: 77

Performance summary: Mixed news for my ragtag team of celebrity fuckwads: I miscounted Kylie Jenner’s blog mentions last week, awarding her 35 instead of 45 points. To compensate, I am awarding her 10 extra points this week. I’m aware that this is severe coachal misconduct and obvious general incompetence on my part, but that’s exactly what you can expect from Team Nobody! This week, Reign Disick made an appearance as a superhero for Halloween (there is a photo, but I don’t know which child he is, still). But Kylie continues to run the ball relentlessly, making the majority of the baskets and scoring almost all the goals: her “TIME’s Most Important Teens” interview or something came out; she appeared as a zombie in a Tyga video (NEGATIVE POINTS, BELOVED) and she dressed up as both “Snow Princess” and “Warrior Something” for Halloween. She plugged her app like crazy, DID NOT SHILL ANY OUTSIDE PRODUCTS ON INSTAGRAM (WOW), and most importantly, made a crucial triple play involving Norman Jenner and his public poop.

I’m proud just to be here. —Jia Tolentino

TEAM BUSH & THE TUSH

Kendall Jenner

Blog mentions: +26

Rumored new romance: Two! +10

App mention: +1

Corey Gamble

Blog mentions: +4

North West

Blog mentions: +12

Brandon Jenner

Blog mentions: +2

Total Yardage: 55

Performance Summary: HAPPY BIRTHDAY KENDALL! The model and golden child of my team turned 20 years old this week and threw a party that brought all her celebrity friends out—Bieber, Drake, but NOT Taylor Swift. Kendall also made quick use of her last week of teendom with not one but two rumored romances, though those were shortly refuted and didn’t get much yardage. That being said, she’s really the working definition of taking one for the team. And while Brandon Jenner’s two passes might look weak compared to the hustle of his younger half-sister, they were a welcome effort from a defensive who is clearly in his last year before retirement. (Seriously, the dude is saving money where he can, driving around the car that Caitlyn Jenner was using when she got in her headline-making fender bender. The life of a former NFL player is not often pretty, that’s for sure, but at least Brandon’s smart enough to realize now’s not the time to be throwing his dolla dolla bills at any flashy thing that moves a little.) That’s especially true when you look at his step-niece North West, who fumbled a few times and failed to really get the ball down the field, despite all that she had to work with: two different Halloween costumes and a star-making interaction with the paparazzi. Rookie Corey Gamble, on the other hand; well Cor, you’re playing a little sloppy and slow, with nary a red carpet appearance nor any social media presence for weeks. This is the Kardashians-Jenner Fantasy League: get an app or get out.—Kate Dries

TEAM BIBLE

Kim Kardashian

Blog mentions: +31

App mentions: +10

Caitlyn Jenner

Blog mentions: +23

Red carpet: +5 (Logo)

Brody Jenner

Instagrammed Halloween costume: +1

Leah Jenner

0

Total yardage: 70

Performance summary: After the high of Kim’s birthday-baby-shower party last week, I expected our game play to suffer and, lo and behold, we’re back to reality. Good thing is, Caitlyn turned 66 like a pro and made her first red carpet appearance to maintain our winning streak. Look, a W is a W, but I still feel like Kim is starting to go through the motions—dressing up as yourself on Halloween is the laziest costume idea ever (I did it, so I should know). I just hope Kim doesn’t neglect her priorities when baby No. 2 comes. My man Brody participated in Halloween, so I guess that’s great, but he continues to be highly ineffective in the backcourt. Let’s not even discuss Leah, who’s on probation until further notice. All I can do is scream and point in the locker room and try to create plays to put us in peak position to win big. —Clover Hope

TEAM THE GROSS FAN

Khloe Kardashian

Blog mentions: +17

Tabloid cover: +30

Outside product shill on Instagram: -5 points

App mentions on Twitter: +6

Kris Jenner

Blog mentions: +8

Penelope Disick

Blog mentions: +3

Casey Jenner

Blog mentions: 0

Total yardage: 59

Performance summary: Everyone who knows me as the coach who hates losing—I’m one of those guys who prefers to win—but I guess I’ll just have to deal, because disappointment looks like it might just be the new normal. Our team took a dive of 10 whole points this week, and I don’t blame any former fans in the stadium who left before the week was up. Not even Khloe’s People cover and news of her reunion with James Harden could bring us back to those original levels—back when I was a happy coach. And Kris? Don’t even get me started. “Ms. Gamble” never shows up for practice (though one absence was because she had to take her grandchildren to see their father in rehab), and has lost all interest in being part of a winning team that doesn’t begin with K. Team The Gross Fan is looking pretty... gross, and I don’t think it’s going to get better anytime soon. —Bobby Finger

TEAM I THOUGHT YOU HATE HOT PINK

Kourtney Kardashian

Scott Disick

Blog mentions: +8

Mason Disick

Blog Mentions: +3

MJ Shannon

0

Total Yardage: 45

Performance Summary: Pardon my realness in this early season slump, but I feel like the Mets. Or the Knicks. Or any team that begins with such promise, only to see the writing on the wall after a few good goes of it. Each day that parries on, we are a team hanging on by our wits and our will. As a coach, I cannot deny my own folly: I relied on flashy players in the moment but expected they could deliver on their sturm und drang, and am left primarily with my faithful, determined quarterback Kourtney, who is soldiering through with a bum heel and showing us the true meaning of inspiration. Look at the determination in her eyes... the sweat! We are all Kourtney Kardashian. There is hope yet. We have months until the season ends. —Julianne Escobedo Shepherd