Conservatives introducing ‘complete bastard’ agenda

David Cameron has announced that his new Conservative majority government will bring in a series of measures “designed to showcase the hideous bastard that lies within our collective soul”.

The prime minister said this morning “I had a great chat with the Queen on Friday, despite the fact we were both massively hungover from all the celebrating.

“I informed Her Majesty that I was going to be scrapping the Human Rights Act, bringing back fox hunting, ratcheting up austerity, clamping down on welfare, and firing bits of the NHS into the North Atlantic with a trebuchet. For a laugh.

“She was most enthusiastic.”

Many Conservatives have voiced their delirious joy at no longer having to humour the Lib Dems, who were wiped out in last week’s election. Chief Whip Mark Harper confirmed that his first act in the new government had been to organise the throwing of piss-filled balloons at former Lib Dem MPs, as they cleared out their lockers.

Iain Duncan Smith, one of the tories’ most impressively complete bastards, said “The people of Britain have literally given us a mandate to fuck with them as much as we like. How stupid would we be not to jump at that?”

Meanwhile the Labour party has begun the long process of rebuilding itself after a shattering defeat. Interim leader Harriet Harman said “What we need to do is work harmoniously towards a future plan for our party. Which we will do as soon as we have finished writing open letters in the Guardian taking massive swipes at each other.

“Ed? The last time I saw him he had climbed down amongst the rocks along the Thames, and was dragging his stone tablet of promises towards the sea. The tide was coming in quite fast, but he said he didn’t care.”