Portal 2 Quotes: Cave Johnson

Cave Johnson is a personality in Portal 2 who once ran the mysterous labrynth of testing chambers and facilities. He's a reckless, shoot-from-the-hip type who's character adds so much to the game. Below are all his quotes from Portal 2.

Cave Johnson

"They say great science is built on the shoulders of giants. Not here. At Aperture, we do all our science from scratch, no hand holding."

"Science isn't about 'why', it's about 'why not'!"

"Why is so much of our science dangerous? Why not marry safe science, if you love it so much. In fact, why not invent a special safety door that won't hit you on the butt on the way out. Because you are fired! Yes, you, box your stuff! Out the front door! Parking lot! Car! Goodbye! Not you, test subject, you're doing fine."

"If you're hearing this, it's because you're taking long time on the catwalks between tests. The lab boys say that might be a fear reaction. I'm no psychiatrist, but coming from a bunch of egg heads who wouldn't recognize the thrill of danger if it walked up and snapped their little pink bras, that sounds like projection. They didn't fly into space, storm a beach or bring back the gold! No sir, we did!"

"It's you and me against the world son. I like your grit! Hustle could use some work, though. Now let's solve this thing!"

"I'm telling them, keep your pants on!"

"Alright, this next test may involve trace amounts of time travel. So, word of advice, if you meet yourself on the testing track, don't make eye contact. Lab boys tell me that will wipe out time... entirely... forward and backward. So, do both of yourselves a favor and let that handsom devil go about his business."

"Ha! I like your style! You make up your own rules, just like me. Bean counter said I couldn't fire a man just for being in a wheel chair. Did it anyway! Ramps are expensive!"

"Welcome, gentlemen, to apurture science. Astronaughts, war heros, olympians... you're here because we want the best, and you are it. So, who is ready to make some science!? Haha! Now, you've already met one another on the limo ride over, so let me introduce myself. I'm cave Johnson. I own the place. That eager voice you heard is the lovely Carolyn, my assistant. Rest assured that she has transferred your honorarium to the organization of your choice. Isn't that right, Carolyn. [Carolyn] She's the backbone of this facility. Pretty as a post card, too! Sorry fellas, she's married... to science!"

"Congratulations! The simple fact that you're standing here listening to me means that you've made a glorious contribution to science."

"As founder and CEO of Aperture Science, I thank you for your participation and hope we can count on you for another round of tests."

"We're not going to release this stuff until it's good and darn ready, so as long as you keep yourself in top physical form, there will always be a limo waiting for you."

"Say goobye, Carolyn. [Carolyn] She is a gem."

"Alright, lets get started! This first test involves something the lab boys call repulsion gel. You're not part of the control group, by the way. You get the gel. The last poor son of a gun got blue paint! Hahaha... All joking aside, that did happen... broke every bone in his legs... tragic, but informative! Or, so I'm told."

"We haven't entirely nailed down what element it is yet, but I'll tell you this... It's a lively one, and it does not like the human skeleton. Oh, in case you got covered in the repulsion gel, here's some advice the lab boys gave me... Do not get covered in the repulsion gel."

"The lab boys have just informed me that I should not have mentioned the control group."

"They're telling me I oughta stop making these pre-recorded messages. That gave me an idea. Make more pre-recorded messages! I pay the bills here, I can talk about the control group all darn day!"

"There's a thousand tests performed every day here in our enrichment spheres. I can't personally oversee every one of them, so these prerecorded messages will cover any questions you might have and respond to any incidents that may occur within the course of your science adventure."

"Your test assignment will vary depending on the manner in which you have bent the world to your will."

"Those of you helping us test the repulsion gel today must follow the blue line on the floor."

"Those of you who volunteered to be injected with praying mantis DNA... I've got some good news and some bad news... The bad news is, we're postponing those tests indefinitely. The good news is, we've got a much better test for you. Fighting an army of mantis-men. Pick up a rifle and follow the yellow line. You'll know when the test starts."

"The average human male is about 60% water. As far as we're concerned, that's a little extravagant. So if you feel a little dehydrated in this next test, that's normal. We're going to hit you with some jet engines and see if we can't get you to 20 or 30 precent."

"For this next test, we put nano-particles in the gel. In Laymans terms, that's a billion little gizmos that are going to travel into your bloodstream and pump expiremental genes and RNA molecules, and so forth, into your tumors. Now, maybe you don't have any tumors. Well, don't worry. If you sat on a folding chair in the lobby and weren't wearing lead underpants, we took care of that too."

"If you've cut yourself in the course of this test, you might notice that your blood is pure gasoline. That's normal. We've been shooting you with an invisible lazer that's supposed to turn blood into gasoline. So all that means is it's working."

"Just a heads up, that coffee we gave you earlier had flourescent calcium in it so we can track the neuronal activity in your brain. There's a slight chance the calcium could harden and vitrify your frontal lobe. Anyway, don't stress yourself thinking about it. I'm serious... Visualizing the scenario while under stress actually triggers the reaction."

"All these science spheres are made of asbestos, by the way... keeps out the rats. Let us know if you feel a shortness of breath, a persistant dry cough or your heart stopping. Because, that's not part of the test... That's asbestos. The good news is the labs boys say the symptopms of asbestos poisoning show median latecy of 44.6 years. So if you're 30 or older, you're laughing. Worst case scenario you miss out on a few rounds of Canasta. Plus, you've forwarded the cause of science by 3 centuries. I punch those numbers into my calculator, it makes a happy face."

"If you need to go to the bathroom after this next series of tests, please let a test associate know, because in all likelyhood, whatever comes out of you is going to be coal. Only temporary, so do not worry. If it persists for a week, though, start worrying and come see us because... that's not supposed to happen."

"Just a heads up, we're going to have a super conductor turned up full blast and pointed at you for the duration of this next test. I'll be honest, we're throwing science at the wall here to see what sticks. No idea what it will do. Probably nothing. Best case scenario, you might get some super powers. Worst case, some tumors, which we'll cut out."

"If you're allergic to peanuts, you might want to tell somebody now, because this next test may turn your blood into peanut water for a few minutes. On the bright side, if we can make this happen, they're going to have to invent a new nobel prize to give us, so hang in there."

"Now, if you're part of control group Keplar 7, we inmplanted a tiny microchip about the size of a post card into your skull. Most likely you've forgotten it's even there. But, if it start vibrating and beeping during this next test, let us know. Because that means it's about to hit 500 degrees so we're going to need to go ahead and get that out of you pretty fast."

"Alright, we're working on a little teleporation experiment now, this doesn't work with all skin types, so try to remember which skin is yours and if it doesn't teleport along with you, well, we'll do the what we can to sew you right back into it. Right."

"Now, you might be asking yourself, 'Cave, just how difficult are these tests? What was in that phone book of a contract I signed? Am I in danger?" Let me answer those questions with a question. Who wants to make 60 dollars!? Cash. You can also feel free to relax for up to 20 minutes in the waiting room. Which is a darn side more comfortable than the park benches most of you were sleeping on when we found you. For many of you I realize that 60 dollars is an unprecedented windfall, so don't go spending it all on... I dunno, Carolyn, what do these people buy? Taddered hats? Beard dirt?"

"So, welcome to Aperture, you're here because we want the best, and you're it... nope, couldn't keep a straight face. Anyway, don't smudge up the glass down there. In fact, why don't you just go ahead and not touch anything unless it's test related."

"Greetings friend! I'm Cave Johnson, CEO of Aperture Science. You might know us as a vital participant in the 1968 senate hearings on missing astronaights, and you've most likely used one of the many products we invented, but that some other people have somehow managed to steal from us... Black Mesa can eat my bankrupt..."

"Thank you! (I can't believe I'm thanking these people") for staggering your way through Aperture Sciences propulsion gel testing. You've made some real contributions to society (for a change) and for that, humanity is grateful. If you had any belongings, please pick them up now. We don't want old newspapers and sticks cluttering up the building."

"This on? [tap tap tap] Hey! Listen up down there! That thing is called an elevator, not a bathroom."

"Great job astronaught, war hero and/or olympian, with your help we're going to change the worl... [record scratch] The testing area is just up ahead. The quicker you get through, the quicker you'll get your 60 bucks"

"Carolyn, are the compensation vouchers ready?"

"If you're interested in an additional 60 dollars, flag down a test associate and let 'em know. You could walk outa here with 120 weighing down your bindle if you let us take you apart, put some science stuff in ya, then put you back together, good as new."

"In case you're interested, there's still some positions available for that bonus opportunity I mentioned earlier. Again, all you gotta do is let us dissassemble you. We're not banging rocks together here, we know how to put a man back together. So, that's a complete reassembly. New vitals, spit shine on the old ones. Plus we're scooping out tumors. Frankly, you should be paying us."

"Welcome to the enrichment center. [sick cough] Since making test participation mandatory for all employees. The quality of our test subjects has risen dramatically. Employee retention, however, has not. [sick cough] As a result, you may have heard that we are going to phase out human testing. There's still a few things to wrap up, though. First up, conversion gel. [sick cough] The bean counters told me we iterally could not afford to buy 7 dollars worth of moon rocks much less 70 million. Bought 'em anyway, ground them up, mixed them into a gel... and guess what! Ground up moon rocks are pure poison! I am deathly ill. Still, it turns out that they are a great portal conductor. So now, we're going to see if jumping in and out of these portals can leach the lunar poison out of a mans blood stream. When live gives you lemons, make lemonade. [sick cough] Let's all stay positive and do some science. That's it."

"I would really appreciate it if you could test as fast as possible. (Carolyn, please bring me more pain pills)"

"The point is, if we can store music on a compact disc, why can't we store a persons intelligence and personality on one? So, I have the engineers figuring that out now. Brain mapping. Artificial Intelligence. We should have been working on it 30 years ago."

"I will say this, and I'm going to say it on tape so everybody hears it a hundred times a day. If I die before you people can pour me into a computer, I want Carolyn to run this place. [sick cough] Now she'll argue. She'll say she can't. She's modest like that, but you make her! [sick cough] Heck, put her in my comuter, I don't care. Alright. Tests over. [sick cough] You can head on back to your desk."

"Alright, I've been thinking. When life gives you lemons, don't make lemonade! Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! I don't want your darn lemons! What am I supposed to do with these! I demand to see life's manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give Cave Johnson lemons! You know who I am! I'm the man who's gonna burn your house down! With the lemons! I'm gonna get my engineers to invent a combustable lemon that burns your house down!! [sick cough]"