Mr. Period Returns

Don’t be startled by any biological impossibilities you see on your
way home, bizarre creatures with no rung to cling to in any natural
hierarchy. They are no doubt a result of the improbability shockwave
generated when we agreed with IGN earlier today. Hopefully, these
twilight freaks will crawl away and die gracefully somewhere out of
sight.

Under ordinary circumstances, the only time I think of IGN with any
affection is when I’ve crashed their E3 party and I’m closing down the
bar. Through a thick curtain of well drinks I would watch a stage decked
with shambling, washed-up hags, and raise a glass - technically, their glass - to whatever unwholesome virtues they revere over there. I usually feel pretty good about them at that specific point.

The rest of the time, they are our most cunning foe. They might not be aware of that, but when viewed in this framework their every activity has a sinister connotation.

Reading the fallout from their Killzone review, though, I felt like we were kindred spirits. I heard in those strangled mails the same ululation echoed in my own inbox, that howling assembly I must pretend to tolerate in order to play the gentle host. I’m right there with you, Ivan. The nicest thing you can say about Killzone is that flies real good when you throw it. You were way more polite than we would have been. Indeed, I’m about to show just how impolite we are with a comic sodomizing your detractors. Don’t say I never did anything for you.

Now, one thing they said is true, and I don’t mind letting them have it: sites like yours can’t claim that they aren’t a part, and a critical one, of the “hype cycle” for new releases. If Killzone was hyped, perhaps even over-hyped as you appear to claim, well, you can’t point at Bob and say it was all Bob’s doing. That’s something everybody did. On the other hand, I was there when they announced it as well, and it seemed at the time like a good vessel for the hopes of that system. But Halo Killer? Be serious. There’s only one Halo killer, and I’ll tell you this much: it’s not on the PS2.

I guess I thought the “console wars” as such were over for this generation, which is why seeing them break the flesh in this way this was startling - like the symptom of some forgotten pandemic. Each platform has, by this point, manifested its strengths and weaknesses to such a degree that they are patently obvious to anyone who is not in the throes of some orthodox mindset. Developers can take chances with their games on the PS2 because of the mind-boggling installed base, and it is the RPG enthusiast’s only genuine choice. The Xbox has, in raw terms, the best hardware of this generation and the most robust multiplayer functionality. The Cube has first party titles of exceptional quality. That’s the whole spectrum. There’s nothing odd or unknown about any of it - and if facts like these inconvenience you to this degree, I can only imagine how difficult your life must be.