How To Get Away With Being Emo In A Totalitarian State

In a development that doesn't exactly rival the Berlin Wall or Glasnost, Russia is trying to curb teen depression and suicide by banning the musical fashion statement "emo." They're not joking, or at least we don't think so.

The legislation was presented in the formerly communist country last month, with legislators criticizing emo culture as “negative,” saying it encourages anti-social behavior, glorifies suicide, and causes the mass purchasing of tacky leather belts that split after two weeks, NME reported Thursday.

The legislators described “emo kids” as teens who wear black, have facial piercings, and have moppy hair that “covers half the face,” reportedly. Despite the airtight nature of these legal terms, I think there may be a loophole or two that might allow the beset emos to skirt around the law. Here is a short list of underground tactics the persecuted My Chemical Romance fan can use to avoid arrest, two weeks’ Federal grounding and/or the official confiscation of his or her car keys:

1) Scoffing/skulking/the silent treatment. Since this legislation sounds like it was outlined by parents, fighting it with attitude is probably the most effective technique. How can you be arrested if they can’t even get you to open up to them, dammit!?2) Part your hair. It’s right there in black and white: If more than half of your face is exposed, you don’t qualify. You may want to consult a lawyer on this.3) Be screamo instead. Just add some unwarranted aggression to your volatile emotional cocktail and you are officially one less reason to install a GPS tracking device on everybody’s Volvo. But this will probably irritate them even more.4) Kill yourself. Okay, that was insensitive. But if you’re not on the map, nothing matters anyway, right? It’s called conviction.5) Move to Britain. At least emos there still have protest rights. However, no matter where you go, you will never escape the oppression of flippant white people who don’t get it.