You guys, I have a confession to make. Last time I wrote about Kevin Smith, I think I might have been too hard on him. His retirement announcement was ridiculed. Fat jokes were bandied about with an abandon that can only be described as reckless. I even sunk so low as to compare him to a bowl of cheese that someone farted in. Many of you took to the comments section to decry that post as “hateful” and “douchey.” Well you know what? You’re right. I reread the post and I simply cannot defend it. I came across as a petty, mean-spirited jerk. And as 2012 draws to a close, I’ve re-examined my Kevin Smith hatred and, in the words of the English poet Robert Graves, I am here to say “goodbye to all that.” Goodbye to the blind hatred of a man who is a charming underdog at best, and a harmless bullsh*tter at worst.
It is with this newfound outlook that I slid into the couch cushions the other day with a warm cup of joe, grabbed the remote, and turned on Good Day LA (hands down my favorite source for all things newsworthy). And wouldn’t you just know it? They were interviewing Kevin Smith about Clerks 3, which he announced that he hopes to have in theaters in time for the film’s 20th anniversary in 2014. What better way to put my new outlook to the test. The entire interview is embedded below, but follow me after the jump for a breakdown of various snippets.

0:00 to 0:13 – During the introduction of the segment, the camera abruptly cuts to Kevin Smith gesticulating off camera, interrupting Steve Edwards. Smith is wearing an overcoat atop his ever-present orange and blue hockey jersey.

GOD-DAMNIT. We’re 13 seconds in and I already renounce everything I said in the opening paragraph of this post. I am instantly incensed. Dude somehow manages to f*ck up the direction of something he’s not even directing. I cannot wait to see where this is going.

0:34 to 1:10 – Following a clip from Clerks 2, the segment officially begins. Smith makes small talk with host Steve Edwards as they make their way onto the set.

Jesus, can the folksy shtick wait for five god-damned seconds until you sit down? Poor Steve Edwards is trying to quickly herd you on camera so he can go home and spend time with his family and you’ve turned this into a one of Aaron Sorkin’s walk-and-talks, only fatter. Also, I noticed how your coat aligns perfectly with your jort bottoms. Somewhere Tim Gunn just hung himself with a tasteful necktie. Also, way to leave Julie Chang hanging when she asked you to dance, you monster.

1:17 to 2:24 – After an exchange of pleasantries, Smith tells a story about Jason Mewes and dog poop.

RIGHT HERE. This is why you’re the worst. First, you do that thing where you ask someone “How are you?” and then immediately launch into a soliloquy before that person can respond. You know who else does that? Every asshole on the planet. Second, OF COURSE you lead off with a story that features Jason Mewes and diarrhea. At this point, if you’re going to pander this blatantly, just bring a jersey cannon to every interview and shoot the interviewer square in the f*cking face.

2:46 to 2:58 – Co-host Julie Chang points out that, last they spoke, Smith was wearing the same exact outfit. Smith responds to this by saying he’s trying to run his life like Colonel Sanders and Aunt Jemima.

Saying that he’s trying to run his life like the two most beloved tributes to American racism isn’t the offensive part. What’s offensive is that he gleefully acknowledges that his daily wardrobe is a prop meant to perpetuate his whole View Askew empire, which includes action figures, lunch boxes, and bumper stickers. Smith always stays on message because he thinks that if he doesn’t, his fans will stop buying what he’s selling. He’s kind of like George Lucas in that way, except Lucas has the excuse of being an actual retarded person. Attention Kevin Smith fans: This man does not respect you.

3:08 to 4:31 – Chang mentions Smith’s cult following, noting that the green room was packed with fans. Smith makes a joke about doing cocaine backstage. Edwards quickly transitions by complementing Smith on his healthy appearance. Smith says it’s because he smokes so much weed.

UGH. We get it, dude. You enjoy drugs recreationally. And I love the whole “I’m totally serious, not even joking” remark when claiming that marijuana is the secret to his vitality. He’s not serious at all. He’s making lame pot jokes, and then back-peddling instantly when they don’t land like he thought they would. When Edwards asks him point blank whether smoking weed is part of his film-making process, he responds that he’d have never started making films had he been a stoner. See there? He had a strong argument in his grasp – that marijuana helps one be creative – and he let it slip right through those sweaty ham fists of his. Rather, he’s content to just peddle some sort of lazy stoner slapstick that every old white Republican envisions when pulling the lever at the ballot box. You know what? From now on I’m holding Kevin Smith personally responsible for America’s failed War on Drugs. Every time a terrier gets crippled during a botched drug raid? Kevin Smith. Every time a black teenager gets time added to his sentence for having a joint in his pocket? Kevin Smith.
In fact, if there’s only one thing you take away from this interview, please let it be this: Kevin Smith hates terriers and black people.

4:45 to 5:58 – Kevin Smith announces that he hopes for Clerks 3 to be completed in time for the films 20th anniversary in 2014. Edwards assures him that even if the film is terrible, his fans will see it anyway.

YA BURNT, SON. Steve Edwards ain’t care. I haven’t wanted to high-five an old man this much since that time I thought I saw Larry Flynt at a Walgreens (it ended up being a homeless man who hated vagina jokes). Also, every time someone remarks “Can you believe Clerks was made for twenty-eight grand?” like Chang did in the clip above, I want to scream “YES! JUST F*CKING LOOK AT IT.” I’m convinced that the first three thousand went to renting out the Quick Stop for the day and the remaining twenty-five grand went towards retrofitting the director’s chair with hydraulic steel legs.

7:41 to 8:18 – As Smith describes one of his forty-seven podcast specials, Edwards cuts him off to bring on Jason Mewes. When Smith complains that he’s not been given the chance to plug his shows, Edwards continues to not give a sh*t and throws it to Mewes anyway.

Introducing the world to Jason Mewes is the one redeemable thing Kevin Smith has ever done. Jason Mewes is the best. You know that one friend of yours whose spouse you find intolerable? Now imagine that spouse is also morbidly obese and makes terrible movies.Come on, Mewes. You gotta get outta there, man.
The rest of the interview is unremarkable, save for the moment Smith invites Chang to appear on his podcast, but threatens to ask her how many men she’s been with. Steve Edwards shuts down that warmed-over Tom Leykis impression like the god-damned pro that he is, and interview mercifully ends with Smith saying he’s bigger than Bruce Springsteen or something.
Look, guys. I tried. Maybe the lesson here is to focus on the good in any bad situation. Like when that pall-bearer got hit in the nards with a Nerf ball during my grandmother’s funeral procession. To that end, I will leave us with a shot of Jason Mewes. If there’s any justice in the world, 2013 will see the long-awaited ascent of Mewes into the role of the leading man we all know him to be.

haha spot on description. Also I haven’t watched Good Day LA since high school (the last time I’d actually ever have to wake up at 7 am) so I’m trying to figure out when exactly Jillian Barberie turned Asian.

I’m starting to believe Smith has reached Colonel Sanders’ levels of wearing the same thing every time he makes a public appearance. Although, I can’t entirely hate him for doing what just about every celebrity(?) does when they go on an interview, not to fully defend him but the interview isn’t about Edwards, he’s there every day, so it makes sense Smith like most interview-ees would talk more than him, especially if he’s trying to promote something in a limited time frame. That all aside, he is kind of a self-important douche, but I’m in some ways forced to like him, since he is of the rare variety of celebrities that openly and frequently like comics, kinda like if there was a cow apocalypse and you found like a frozen Salisbury steak. I mean, you gotta like it ’cause it’s all you have.

I don’t get the hate for Kevin Smith. At least not in 2012, it’s not like he’s making a lot of movies or a large cultural impact. This just comes off as mean-spirited and petty. You don’t like the guy, we get it. But seriously, there has to be a more deserving target of hate.

I submit to you that there is indeed NO more deserving target of hate than Kevin Smith. Did you know that Kevin Smith financed Bashar Assad’s last campaign with money earned from sales of Silent Bob commemorative roach clips? Look it up, man. I wouldn’t lie to you.

Yeah. With Smith’s laid back persona this kind of feels like watching a rabbit tire itself out by yelling at a turtle. I get the impression that you just want to hate this guy, which is your right, but not really that interesting to read when he’s not actually doing anything wrong. It’s just some guy on a morning talk show, acting like anyone would on a morning talk show.

Chareth, some day you’re gonna look pretty silly when Smith is an international hero due to aliens coming down and demanding a pitch-perfect three hour speech on why nothing should ever be criticized/the finer points of analingus on one’s wife or else they’re gonna blow up the planet and shit.

I don’t see it. Kevin Smith really doesn’t have this huge cultural impact anymore. This isn’t 1996. You’re really not “saving” us from our terribly wrong opinions of Smith. And, since the draw of his last few movies haven’t been that great, you’re not exactly pulling a “lone voice of reason” either.

I enjoy his Q&A sessions though, and Dogma’s still one of the funniest movies ever made. But come on man, no one cares. This is just like that hobo who yells by the laundromat next to my house. He’s mad but no one really gives a shit because it’s not about anything important.

I don’t know if anyone cares, and don’t take this as me telling you not to continue to voice your opinions, but… I only know Chareth through the internet. Not hurting his feelings doesn’t even rate on my list of priorities. If I didn’t think these were hilarious, I wouldn’t post them. I’m not trying troll you, these just entertain the shit out of me.

Also, for all the “why pick on Kevin Smith, no one even cares” people… I hate to explain a joke, but have you ever considered that the less hate-worthy a person is, the funnier someone’s intense hatred of that person becomes? Because that’s pretty much how it works for me.

I’ve got a new column idea to submit then. It’s about how much I hate Jeff, the 80 year old guy that washes the windows of all the businesses that live along my street. He also planted a flower garden next to one of the fancier bars downtown. Fuck him.

It’s not really about his hate-worth, more about his relevance. If Kevin Smith, why not Arsenio Hall? Or Cher? I’ll give Chareth props though; he’s got some solid jokes in there.

irishida- So your complaint is that he is making fun of Kevin Smith, which in your opinion isn’t a valid endeavor, but you’d be ok with Mr. Cutestory mocking Arsenio Hall. Is that because you are SUPER RAYCESSSSSS?
Also, this Jeff you speak of, is he famous? Has he made 15 Hollywood picture movies? Does he have no less than 7 podcasts SO YOU CAN SPEND ALL THE TIME EVER LISTENING TO HIM?
Kevin Smith is a 5/10, would not hang…with.

No I’m comparing the similar irrelevances between said celebrities in today’s pop culture. A search of the Kevin Smith tags on FilmDrunk reveals 2 articles solely dedicated to him in the last 6 months; this one and the other Cutestory one. The last one before that was in May. The one before that was August 2011. This guy’s not exactly hogging the airwaves right now, so the criticism just seems unnecessary, like someone ripping on the Jacksonville Jaguars. Stoooop they’re already dead.

Kevin Smith has a weaker movie track record than that dude who played Stifler.
Seriously.
I fucking hate Stifler, but I’ve enjoyed at least three times as many of his movies (3) than Kevin Smith’s (1).

An apology? I swear to God FD has really changed Vince. 2 years ago that Kevin Smith post would’ve been pure comedy. On one hand the site’s growth really has me feeling proud in a sense but the influx of moral hoity toity’s really is disconcerting!! Is it even possible to do a write up as the “Staf!” or “C-Tates” without someone complaining about it now?

I laughed my ass off at this post and I love Kevin Smith (except Jersey Girl, that sucked balls, and not in a good way). Either I’m somehow morally enlightened and can laugh off almost anything, or I’m just too lazy to be outraged. I like to think it’s a little of both.

My theory on Kevin Smith hate is that since he passed through this glorious momentary window in time when he was able to make a shit load of money by making stupid films with his friends, he kind of ruined it for the rest of us in that regard. For some, it’s hard to watch someone get high all day, have fun, and talk about bullshit in exchange for large quantities of cash and have that person not be themselves.

But at least he is offering goods to the public, even if the goodness of those goods are debatable to some. These days, that’s better than most.

I like Kevin Smith and I can’t believe you subjected yourself to 8 minutes of his promotional nonsense. He’s in danger of ending his film career with a couple of bad movies. Recently he has had made worse versions of movies that came out just before his. “Cop Out” was a worse version of “The Other Guys” and “Hit Somebody” will probably be a worse version of “Goon”. I can’t imagine “Clerks 3″ will be anything but a worse version of “Clerks” or “Clerks 2″.

Don’t want to Incept this situation, but aren’t we spiraling down the rabbit hole of e-hate here when people take up pitchforks and torches against an anonymous comedy writer on the internet based on that writer’s hatred of a supposedly irrelevant overweight filmmaker in ill-fitting jean shorts?

In this world there are two kinds of people: 1) Fucktwats and 2) Gayholes. This has nothing to do with sexuality. A fucktwat is someone who swangs pipe, and a gayhole is someone who takes it. So, there are gay guys out there who are especially rippin’ fucktwats, and straight guys who are especially gooey gayholes. Where they stick their dicks doesn’t matter.

With that in mind, Kevin Smith is undoubtedly a fucktwat, whereas Steve Edwards is a gayhole, and a gooey one at that. You can tell by the way they carry themselves. So, in this exchange, I actually find myself rooting for the fucktwat over the gayhole. Tough call. But, I fear Edwards’ little puppet heart might give out if Fox was to ever remove their giant corporate hand from his ass.

One more thing about Fucktwats & Gayholes: A fucktwat can be neutralized by another fucktwat of equal or greater magnitude.

Take Hitler for example; possibly history’s biggest fucktwat. Yet, Stalin wasn’t too far behind in terms of fucktwattiness, and Churchill and Roosevelt were fucktwats in their own right as well, albeit, relatively minor ones by comparison.

So, WWII is a good example of what happens when three fucktwats tag-team another fucktwat and turn him into a gayhole. It’s not easy, but it can be done.

In other words, Kevin Smith wouldn’t have been acting like such a fucktwat if, say, he were being interviewed by another fucktwat of equal or greater magnitude, like Vladimir Putin, instead of Steve Edwards. Then he would’ve been the gayhole in the equation. See what I mean? That’s how you reign in fucktwats like Kevin Smith; with more fucktwats.

It’s good to see that uninteresting internet bloggers are still remise to write trashy things about people who have left thier houses and made something of thier lives. Cool story bro, I have an idea. In twenty years when people are still watching Kevin Smith films on whatever format they happen to be on let’s take two seconds to see if anybody remembers who you are, you neanderthal.