Wit and Humour from the Flatlands

Thursday, January 29, 2015

1. A nursery school pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it
was dead.
'How do you know that the cat was dead?' she asked her pupil.
'Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move,' answered the child
innocently.
'You did WHAT?' the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
'You know,' explained the boy, 'I leaned over and went 'Pssst' and it
didn't move'

2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
Five minutes later.....'Da-ad....'
'What?'
'I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?'
'No, You had your chance. Lights out.'
Five minutes later: 'Da-aaaad.....'
'WHAT?'
'I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??'
' I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to smack you!!'
Five minutes later.......'Daaaa-aaaad.....'
'WHAT!'
'When you come in to smack me, can you bring a drink of water?'

3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief,
finally asked him 'How do you expect to get into Heaven?'
The boy thought it over and said, 'Well, I'll run in and out and in
and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's
sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!''

4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was
tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he
asked with a tremor in his voice, 'Mummy, will you sleep with me
tonight?'
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
'I can't dear,' she said. 'I have to sleep in Daddy's room.'
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:
'The big sissy.'

5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the
children's sermon.
All the children were invited to come forward.
One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat
down, the minister leaned over and said, 'That is a very pretty dress.
Is it your Easter Dress?'
The little girl replied, directly into the minister's clip-on
microphone, 'Yes, and my Mum says it's a bitch to iron.'

6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year
old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the
shower.
She said, 'Mummy, you are getting fat!'
I replied, 'Yes, honey, remember Mummy has a baby growing in her
tummy.'
'I know,' she replied, but what's growing in your bum?'

7.. A little boy was doing his maths homework.
He said to himself, 'Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.
Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine....'
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, 'What are you doing?'
The little boy answered, 'I'm doing my maths homework, Mum.'
'And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?' the mother asked
'Yes,' he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, 'What are you
teaching my son in math?'
The teacher replied, 'Right now, we are learning addition.'
The mother asked, 'And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that
son of a bitch is four?'
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, 'What I taught them
was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.'

8. One day the first year teacher was reading the story of Chicken
Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken
Little tried to warn the farmer.. She read, '... and so Chicken Little
went up to the farmer and said, 'The sky is falling, the sky is
falling!'
The teacher paused then asked the class, 'And what do you think that
farmer said?'
One little girl raised her hand and said, 'I think he said:
'Holy ....! A talking chicken!''
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, I'm Mr.
Sugarbrown's daughter.'
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, 'I'm Jane
Sugarbrown.'
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, 'Aren't you Mr.
Sugarbrown's daughter?'
She replied, 'I thought I was, but mother says I'm not.'

10. A little girl asked her mother, 'Can I go outside and play
with the boys?'
Her mother replied, 'No, you can't play with the boys, they're
too rough.'
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked,
If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?'

11. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.
She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut,
eating a snack cake The barber says to her,
'Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin..'
She says, 'Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too.'

Friday, November 7, 2014

Children Are Quick
____________________________________
TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this child)
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree,
but also admitted it.
Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.....
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's..
Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.

(I want to adopt this kid!!!)
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
__________________________________

Saturday, September 6, 2014

For those who love the philosophy of ambiguity, as well as the idiosyncrasies of the english language

1. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila...... floor.

2. Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

3. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes? (Creationist joke and the main basis of their argument)

4. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. (Creepy paedo joke going around the BBC?)

5. What if there were no hypothetical questions?

6. Is there another word for synonym?

7. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

8. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

9. Why do they lock gas station toilets? Are they afraid someone will break-in and clean them?

10. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

11. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

12. How is it possible to have a civil war?

13. If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

14. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

15. Whose cruel idea was it for the word 'lisp' to have 's' in it?

16. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them? (only available in the usa)

17. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

18. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become disoriented?

19. Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God? (Yes, cos insurance companies don't pay out! Also in multiple deity societies do you have to specify in the claim which God performed the destructive act?)

20. Why do shops have signs, 'guide dogs only', the dogs can't read and their owners are blind? (The signs are Marmite scented, allegedly. Also, I was once invited to a deaf persons disco night! They really did get the vibes!)