Friday, April 8, 2011

Okay, so it's been a year. A lot's changed since my last blog, so hopefully, this is a great update for everyone. There's a lot in this world to be afraid of. Spiders and sharks come to mind, as well as the creepy feeling I get when I'm in the back bedroom of my parent's house. I never thought, though, that a new job would ever cause me this much fear. I'm going to be a soldier in the United States Army. With the news flashes about the war in the middle east, POW flags flying, and the unsolicited comments from a few people who've heard about my choice, it's easy to get spooked. There's always a chance that I could end up in some tiny town in the middle of nowhere with a job that I absolutely hate. There's the chance that I could be wasting my time and come home in 20 years no different of a person than when I left and no closer to any of my dreams. There's the chance that I could be injured, raped, taken prisoner, maimed, or even killed. Yes.....I'm scared. But I'm still going to do it. The number one question that I get asked when people hear that I've decided to join the service is "Why"? Why would I want to give up my life to serve a country in such disarray? Why would I want to take orders, get yelled out, and surrender my constitutional rights for an average paying, very unglamorous, possibly hazardous career. Here are a few answers: 1) "I don't wanna die for you, but if dyin's asked of me, I'll bear that cross with honor 'cause freedom don't come free" - Toby Keith 2) Can you see me as a Nobel Peace Prize winner? The next Mother Theresa? President? Ha ha, I didn't think so. But I do want to be a part of something bigger than just being a wife and a parent. Those goals will come too, but I need to leave more than just a DNA trace of myself behind. This is a job that I can look back on and be proud of. 3) The hospitality industry is shallow, two-faced, and viciously unrelated to it's workforce. In some jobs (Westin) I had people I could trust. In other positions, I didn't. I want to be a part of a team where I know that my comrades and my boss have my back. I want to know that I can count on the policies and rules set forth to be upheld consistently and not just when it suits my manager. I want to work somewhere where I know that my compulsive nature/attention to detail is appreciated and not seen as a burden. 4) It may not be a glamorous life, but I'll never get laid off again. There are so many more reasons for me. I get to travel and see places and things I'd never otherwise see. I can have just enough structure in my life and still get a little adventure. I can be proud of what I do. I can learn new skills and bring my skills to the table. I can let my rank/experience do the talking and not have to re-sell myself to everyone each time I report for duty. I'll be able to provide for myself and my family for the rest of my life. So yes, I'm scared. Can I make it through boot camp? Will I cry? Will I get hurt? Maybe. No one knows. But no one could ever know if I didn't do it and I know I'd regret it if I never tried.

Thursday, April 29, 2010

I realized last week that I am my own biggest opponent in the biggest battle I'll face during my entire life. I'm the one in control of everything and yet I'm purposefully veering the wrong-way down a one-way street of self-loathing, mediocrity, and confusion. I need help with this one.

I was running with my trainer and for some still unknown reason, I made it harder on myself. I did everything wrong and I know now that it was subconsciously on purpose. I started breathing to shallow because I knew it'd make my asthma kick in. I balled my fists so my shoulders would start to ache and I'd get a side stitch. I let my feet land heavy so my arches and knees would start to buckle. I was afraid of how well I was doing at a speed that 2 months ago I'd not have even attempted. I thought, "this should be harder and I should be failing", so I made myself fail.

Matt has been phenomenally patient. I know I'm not always the best client, moody, inconsistent, and probably a little boring, so kudos to him for hanging in there. I wonder why I even bother to have a trainer if I'm not going to let him do his job. It's like paying someone to teach me to sky-dive safely and then cutting a hole in my own parachute before the jump.

I think it's become my safety net to think that so-in-so is shallow for not hanging out with me or otherwise liking me because I'm not skinny enough for them, when really the reason is because there's something about me as a person that bothers them. I'm not sure I'm ready to handle the idea that some folks don't want to deal with my abrasive, defensive, dweeby, off beat personality. Is it easier to just be a big girl? Is it safer? Less traumatic? Will I still be able to use my weight as a defense against those people who care nothing about what I look like but who just don't like ME? Even worse is that it's been so easy to focus on my weight and not address all the other things that bother me about me. I'm not sure that once I reach my fitness goal that I'll like me either.

Saturday, February 27, 2010

I've had my fair share of bad make up days. I mean, high school was pretty much just one continuous bad make up day in iteself. With all our lovely Seattle rain, the running around and getting sweaty, and of course the sappy chick flicks, there's a lot of reason why my make up NEVER stays where it's meant to be.

Today, because I was going to the gym, I knew that I wouldn't need any make up, so I didn't wear any. For some reason though, when I ran into an old friend later that I recently ended on a bad note with, I felt like my face was melting away. It was wretched! We walked past each other a few times without so much as even a glance. Normally, there would be many hugs and jokes and fun recollections of silly things, but that's all gone now. I try to tell myself that we're not going to be friends anymore because we're both dealing with a shift in priorities and that it's all part of the becomming an adult process, but to put it in a teenagers terms, this BLOWS! It's like eating califlower. I'm sure that this is good for me and probably very healthy for my emotional well being, but.................I miss my friend.

I hope they know that I very much care that they're okay; that I miss their sense of humor, the way that one sentence from them would wipe away an entire bad day at work and how sometimes, we could just sit in the livingroom or car together and not have to say a damn thing and it was ok. I hope they know that I think about them a lot but refuse to reach out because I think it'll just lead to either a disappointment for me, or an "honesty" argument that makes it worse.

Time to put that stiff upper lip back on. I think I'm going to go without any mascara for a while though...

Monday, February 15, 2010

There are many people in the world that get a rush from knowing that they contributed to another person's life in some way. It could be big or small, but we all love to do it! Nurses work long hours. Firemen rush into burning homes. Parents comfort their children. While I can't pay anyone to help me (well, I COULD, but I can't really afford it right now), I need some help. Most of you are already crazy busy with families and jobs and your own issues. I'm hoping that by being a team with a few of you, we both can reap the benefits of sticking together and pulling our own weight. Whether it be less stress, more energy, a smaller waistline, or just the joy of knowing that when I get across the finish line that you'll be the first person/place/thing I think of, I want you to feel rewarded for going out of your way for me.

In the next 7 months, I have to lose 2 pounds of fat every week in order to make my goal and be in the Ironman figure show. I'm scared beyond anything I've ever had to do. Firstly, I don't even own a swimsuit, much less one I want to parade around on stage in. I'm usually good in front of crowds, but there's always been a podium in front of me! Confidence itself is actually the smallest battle I'm worried about fighting. It's warding off the pressure from friends who aren't on the same plan or wish that I weren't so they won't have to keep up, dealing with the cravings that literally hit me every 15 minutes or so, and the sloth that keeps me stuck in the body I've made for myself.

I need some help. There are so many of you that are stronger, more confident, more disciplined, more organized, and more willing to kick me in the butt than I am to do to myself. I'd like to surround myself with people who are willing to show me where I'm not performing and show me how I can be better. It can be frustrating when people know you have a weakness and they use it against you or they simply aren't going to show you what you're doing wrong.

If anyone wants to help out on my little journey, I know we both can seize some great opportunities and make leaps and bounds of progress. Two heads are always better than one! For the most part, it would entail meeting work out dates, asking each other about food intake and holding everyone accountable, and being cheerleaders. If you're willing, or even slightly interested, give me a call! I really appreciate you!

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

I love to sleep. I think everyone that I know loves to sleep. It's that crawling into bed, first few minutes while the sheets are still cool and everything is SO comfortable feeling that you get. It's the relaxing, takes all your stress away, helps your forget about your To Do list kind of experience that just makes me happy and last night was one of the best nights of sleep I've gotten in a VERY long time.

I have a friend that I consider near and dear to my heart. They're trying to meet some personal goals and I've been lending a hand. This person also lives at home with family, like I do, and is having some struggles at work. Right now, I'm trying to be a supportive friend and help shed light on difficult situations.

Last night, my friend came over after work ended and we sat down for dinner. Brown rice and Salmon (simply grilled). Matt W. would have been so proud of us! After making dinner and cleaning up around the house a little, my friend and I went through some worksheet I had made to help them study for an upcoming test. Long story short, we got into an argument about what direction they should go in with their work and the personal skill set they'd need to be successful. We were blunt and a little rough, but real and most importantly honest. Honesty can hurt sometimes, but for once, I wasn't afraid to tell the truth. This person has some weaknesses and specific strengths. I told them exactly how I felt. Some of what I said was a little harsh. They had to take a step back, but came right back after a minute into the kitchen and gave me a big hug. We were able to fight and still care 100% about what the other person thought.

After dinner, I finished cleaning up my house, folded some laundry, and played with the dog. My friend decided to stay over, so we climbed into our PJs, crawled into bed and within 20 seconds of getting wrapped into the covers and finding the cool side of the pillow, both of us were fast asleep. It was peaceful. It made me feel safe. I slept through the night for the first time in a long time.

There are few things that are more intimate than spending the night with someone. This time though, take away all the assumptions. Take away all the drama. Take away all the sexually charged energy. Last night, it was just two people that totally trusted each other and wanted to spend time together.

I felt good this morning when the alarm went off. There's a simple peace that's been following me since I woke up and that makes all of the superfluous nonesense that goes on during the day just dissipate. I am happy and I hope to hold on to this feeling for a long time.

Monday, February 8, 2010

Have you ever watched a Beauty Queen smile at the very end of the pageant? I'm not talking about the chick that wins. I mean all the girls standing behind her, clapping politely and shifting their weight from one foot to the other. The look on their faces is one that is meant to support but that really wishes they could go drown their sorrows in the plate-full of simple carbohydrates they've been denied for the 6 months leading up to the pageant.

I'm here to exalt the Beauty Queen smile. Not because I think we need to be fake with one another, but because we need to live in each others shoes for a while. I've had some rough situations with people I love lately because they don't realize how hurtful they're being. It's somewhat my fault in that I try to make people think I'm tougher than I actually end up being, but it's not enough to pass the buck. it would be fantastic if my peers think about how they would feel if they heard any of the following:* God, this sucks that you're so tan. I used to be the tan one.* You're going to run in a half marathon? Do you even know how far that is?* I don't believe that you won't drink with me. It can't be because of your stupid diet! You eat like crap, so it's not like this will make a difference!

The people that said these things may not know how much what they said hurt (although I know one does and he's already apologized profusely! Apology accepted and appreciated). I'm also not trying to complain about being bullied either. This is just a notice about how much criticism, or even practical advice can be really rude and mean when you hear from the other side of the table. I like to think that I'm a tough cookie, but I've cried more this month than I have since I was a little kid and got picked on on the play ground. So to all of you out there who haven't figured it out yet.....wake up!

When someone tells you of a fanciful idea that you think they'll never be able to accomplish, wish them good luck and ask if you can tag along or wear a t-shirt at the finish line. If someone has a goal that gets in the way of your plans or your own insecurities, then offer to be a buddy for their goal so that you can reap the rewards too. Basically, be a back up beauty queen for your friends and family. In the end, we're still all going to be really pretty. :)

Thursday, February 4, 2010

I'm a fighter. Not in the pick-a-bar-fight-just-because or even the provokes-others-for-arguments-sake way. I'm sitting here listening to OneRepublic's "All Fall Down" and it hit me like a ton of bricks how many times I've tried to do something and failed. Sometimes I fall just a little bit short. Sometimes I miss the target entirely. One day, though, I plan on coming around the corner, likely a little bruised and broken, but running head first with heart and spirit ablaze towards the milestones that I've chased since childhood.

Since I was little I've known that there's nothing more valuable than believing in myself. Through all the teasing from the other kids in school, through dealing with unhealthy relationships, to the occasional fight with family, I can always count on me. To others, it may seem like ill-placed faith or unrealistic expectations. We're trained to be totally co-dependant on the people we know. Having healthy relationships with people who love you is great. I have to say that I wouldn't be where I am in life if it weren't for my parents and sister. But when I'm all by myself, buried in work or dealing with a big decision, I need to know that I can count on ME to pull through.

The biggest goals should never scare you. They are the things that push us through all the little bits of crap that life throws at us. What will push you through the little obstacles if you don't have your big dreams behind you? Know that you are never the circumstancial outcome of fate, but the catalyst that propels you through your own life and it's challenges.

There has been many a diet that's been messed up on. How embarrassing is it that I had to move BACK in with my folks after only 6 months of moving out on my own? Still, there's no being jaded, being bitter, or giving up. I'm going to go fall in love like my hearts never been broken. I'm going to train with Matt like every session is my last before the big show and reach my fitness goals. Mostly, I'm going to be happy just knowing that whatever the goal, I can.