Breakthrough: government researchers announce extraction of blood from stone

New Brunswick — In a completely unprecedented breakthrough, a team made up of researchers from both federal and provincial authorities has announced that they have successfully managed to coax non-organic mineral aggregations, commonly called rock or stone, to discharge a mixture of plasma, proteins and specialized oxygen-carrying cells, also known as blood.

“We were surprised with the results, honestly,” said head researcher Jonathan Beauchamp. “We’ve been trying to perfect this for years, but it wasn’t until an intern suggested placing the stone under increasingly intense pressure over a number of years that we finally succeeded.”

The researchers have told The Manatee that the Canada Revenue Agency and various student loans offices have been the most interested in their work, but that a number of government and private agencies have expressed interest.

“People have been claiming to be ‘too poor’ to repay their debts since debt was first invented,” said a CRA official who preferred to remain anonymous.

They went on to add, unprompted, that the first debt in history was probably incurred by a lazy hunter-gatherer who was too lazy to hunt or gather and instead asked more successful hunter-gatherers for free hunks of mammoth on credit.

“Anyway,” they continued after several more minutes of unasked-for exposition. “Now that we’ve demonstrated that you CAN in fact get blood from a stone, we anticipate all debt-holders will immediately begin the repayments they’ve been voluntarily withholding despite obviously being secretly wealthy.”

National Student Loan Service Centre spokesperson Tabitha Jablonski told The Manatee that her department is likewise certain loan holders will no longer have an excuse once this research is finalized.

“We at the NSLSC have been setting recommended monthly payments based on our certainty that most former students are simply holding back,” she told our reporter (while holding up signs begging us not to hold her responsible because she doesn’t set the policy, they just make her talk to reporters in order to pay of HER student loan). “We know that every student is bombarded at graduation with multiple 6-figure salary job offers. So if they can’t come up with the $700 per month we’re looking for, that isn’t our fault.”

The Manatee’s science team has so far been unable to reproduce the researchers’ results. They were briefly excited to find blood on one of their stones, but it was quickly determined that it was leftover from an office game of “dodge rock.” More updates as they become available.

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