[sound of a tiger growling]
- HELLO. I'M CHARLIE SHEEN, AND THIS
IS CHARLIE SHEEN'S WINNING RECIPES.
YES, I'M DOING A COOKING SHOW. WHY?
BECAUSE, IF YOU HAVEN'T NOTICED,
I'M "WINNING" TELEVISION RIGHT NOW.
MY PLAN IS TO BE THE FIRST PERSON TO
HAVE MADE AN APPEARANCE ON EVERY TELEVISION
NETWORK, JUST LIKE I WAS THE FIRST
PERSON TO GET 1 MILLION TWITTER
FOLLOWERS IN 24 HRS,
[sound of a jaguar growling]
LIKE I WAS THE
FIRST TO BUILD A ROCKET SHIP TO
CASEOPEA USING ONLY MY MIND TOOLS.
HERE I COME, FOOD NETWORK.
FACE IT. I AM LIVING THE LIFE OF A
ROCK STAR VATICAN ASSASSIN, AND IF
YOU EAT LIKE ME, YOU CAN BE LIKE ME.
IF YOU AREN'T THINKING ABOUT WHAT
YOU'RE PUTTING INTO YOUR BODY, PLAN BETTER.
THE FIRST DECISION YOU HAVE TO MAKE IS
WHICH KITCHEN TO USE: THE INDOOR
KITCHEN, SO IT'S IN THE "COMFORT
ZONE", OR THE OUTDOOR KITCHEN, BECAUSE
THE SPIRITS OF MY ADONIS ANCESTORS CAN
FLY ABOVE ME AND BREATHE FIRE ONTO THE MEAL.
OUTDOOR WINS. I JUST TELEPORTED MYSELF HERE.
I DID IT AGAIN.
NOW THAT YOU'RE IN THE RIGHT KITCHEN,
YOU NEED TO HAVE THE RIGHT TOOLS.
THIS IS NOT A SPATULA. IT'S A COOKING WAND FOR A WARLOCK!
THIS IS NOT A BOWL. IT IS A CAULDRON OF AWESOMENESS.
[mysterious music plays]
ALL GREEN THINGS MUST DIE.
I'M GOING TO START OFF BY MAKING A SALAD.
I GOT THIS TOMATO FROM MY GARDEN.
I GREW THIS. MY FINGERTIPS RADIATE
SUNSHINE, AND I WATER THEM WITH THE
TEARS OF A JAGUAR.
[sound of a jaguar growling]
I WILL RINSE OFF ANY NYMPHS OR DEMONS
THAT GOT ON IT WHILE IN MY GARDEN.
SALAD IS DONE. SOME TROLL IS GOING TO
SAY, "THAT'S NOT A SALAD." OH REALLY?
LOOKS LIKE A TOMATO WINNING SALAD TO ME.
THIS WON'T BE A KOSHER MEAL, NOT
BECAUSE I'M ANTI-SEMITIC, BUT BECAUSE
MY TIGER BLOOD NEEDS MEAT.
I KILLED THIS COW MYSELF.
WINNERS STALK AND KILL THEIR OWN FOOD
WITHOUT EARTHLY WEAPONS.
I'M NOT SOME MOUTH BREATHER IN A
DRIVE-THRU GORGING MY PIE HOLE ON MASS
PRODUCED MONKEY GRUB. MY BODY'S A LOCK
BOX OF DIAMONDS, URANIUM, AND
ASSASSIN NOBILITY.
BEST WAY TO COOK A STEAK...
IS WITH MODERATE TO INTENSE
OBSERVATION.
[bell rings]
DUH! WINNING! STEAK IS DONE.
THERE'S ONLY ONE THING YOU CAN DRINK
WITH A MEAL LIKE THIS.
NO WINE IN SILVER VALLEY LODGE.
THIS IS TEA MADE FROM GROUND DINOSAUR FOSSILS.
NOW FOR A COUPLE MORE FINISHING TOUCHES.
[classical music plays]
I DON'T COOK FOOD, I WILL IT.
[inaudible]
MY HANDS ARE RATED BY ZAGATS.
WHO AM I?
NOW GARNISH IT WITH A SECRET INGREDIENT.
CHARLIE SHEEN.
[sound of a laser]
MMMM...TASTES LIKE WINNING.
[Charlie narrating]: WARNING! THE TASTE OF CHARLIE SHEEN
HAS THE POTENTIAL TO CAUSE YOUR SOUL
TO WEEP AND FORFEIT