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Friday, May 18, 2018

I have been very guarded with
my feelings during this pregnancy. Partially, because I was so very open and
vulnerable with how I felt during my pregnancy and delivery with Canyon.

Anyone
who has followed my blog would probably wonder why after such a difficult
pregnancy and delivery, many emotional breakdowns, health problems and most
likely a midlife crisis, why would I even consider getting pregnant again? Six
children is enough, plus I had Canyon at the ripe old age of 42, which was
already pushing the biological clock. Why take it all on again? The answer is
simple. Canyon has literally been the glue of our family, the constant joy and
laughter. He’s everyone’s best friend.

We all love seeing the world through his
eyes, through his language and laughter. He’s such a light in our family that I
have had love literally overflowing in my heart and I wondered, “Could I do it
again?” This ride is just too good. Let’s
bring on another little bundle of joy and see the blessings he or she can
bring.

Of course, I was certain I’d get
a she. After five boys, a girl can
slip through, right? Timing is everything. It was my time to have a girl. God
knows my heart, He hears my prayers. Let’s get Eden’s sister here after all. I went all in,
full faith, full on prayer, full on power of positive thinking and bam, she was
coming!

From the start, I’ve tried to be very positive.

(after getting my hair done last week)

Even when the morning sickness came and my bedroom started
spinning, because most days getting out of bed still is a major accomplishment.
Finally at around 10 weeks, the morning sickness was so bad I had to start on
medication, which left me even more tired, but I could do it. I know how great
the reward. I am a very driven person with many personal and professional
goals, but they could wait. I have physical fitness goals, but they could wait
too.

I knew what I was getting
myself into, but everyday, I do have to pick myself up. I can do this. I’m
strong enough. This was the right decision. I have so much support. My husband is
amazing.

I spent a lot of time outside, taking long walks and spending time
with my kids at the park. I found so much comfort in nature, in the wind, in
the sun, with birds. I felt like everything around me was there to comfort me,
to be my friend and send me encouragement. I would call my sister or mom and
tell them about my experiences, how the world around me was lifting me up and
validating what I was going through. It was amazing and magical.

(This painting really spoke to me.)

This little
girl I was carrying was full of love and the world was already celebrating her
arrival. Everybody, even the cashier at the store told me “You’re having a
girl. Oh, it’s obvious by how you’re carrying her.” My dad’s friend, a gentle
kind man who is very quiet spoke up one day and confirmed what he'd been feeling, “It’s a girl.” Everyone around me seemed
to be having the same impressions as I was.

When I found out I was having
a boy through a blood test at 12 weeks, it really shock my faith. You’d think
by now, I’d keep that window open, perhaps I could be having a boy, but no,
this was really tough for me. What happened? Why was this very special request to
have a girl denied? I immediately pushed away my intuition. It had failed me.
It was difficult not to become cynical. I didn’t want to see anymore birds,
especially humming birds which at the start of my pregnancy were around me all
the time. If you’ve read my book Starving Girl, you know I have had very special experiences with nature. I feel God
everywhere. I listen to my heart and follow promptings. Finding out this next
baby was a boy, it was like my personal inner guide had been completely wrong.
Would I ever learn to trust in my instincts again? Not trusting my intuition,
questioning my ability to read into the experiences around me, wondering why I
keep dreaming about this little girl and
I was told her name – I had to say good bye to her – forever, because this is the
last time I’ll be pregnant.

Boy. Hello, little boy. I want to know you. Who are
you? Are you alright? Do you know I love you? Even though I’m having a really difficult
time, I really do want you? I know your patient with me. I love you.

I’ve had a whole lot going on
emotionally, mentally, spiritually, physically, but I’ve stayed close to my
mom, my sister Becky, my husband, several close friends and when the days are
too tough, I reach out to them (or most of the time, they’re already there
reaching out to me). One very difficult day, I was very sick and could not get
out of bed when a neighbor came over. She recently returned from a mission in Africa and came to check in on me. She sat at my side and
poured out her heart, how she made it through nine pregnancies, how she relied
on God as a mother, how everything works out even during the difficult times.
Her visit felt like a gift from God and her faith still lifts me when the difficulties
of pregnancy take over everything. I’ve had visits, texts, encouraging
messages, food, love, support and more. I ran into a friend at the grocery
store who didn’t know I was pregnant yet and when I told her, she wrapped her
arms around me, offering encouragement and love. “I’m so proud of you,” she
said. I felt her love and support to the core.

(I'm wearing my feelings on my shirt. I love this guy so much.)

I’ve never been so sick, so
tired, so worn out, but not
overwhelmed. No, I’m very focused on my children right now, on loving those
around me, on taking long walks and reconnecting with nature and birds, water,
sun and wind.

I’m slowing trusting myself, trusting God knows what’s best for
me and trusting I’m strong enough to do this. I would do this again. I want
this precious boy and he knows that. I feel the baby moving and I tell him “I
love you.” He’s already brought joyful anticipation into our home. The kids can’t
wait to hold him, play with him and love him. Life is a beautiful path, not always
the path we thought we’d be on, but nonetheless, it’s simply beautiful.

What is My Dear Trash?

After I was sexually abused, I felt like trash. Through God's love, I was able to find my worth again. My Dear Trash is about finding value where others may not see it, in ourselves, in our world, in our unborn and in our relationships and with God.

View the book trailer for my memoir Starving Girl by clicking on the image below.