Bin Laden Shooter To Release Sex Tape

VIRGINIA BEACH, Va. — Former member of elite Navy SEAL Team 6 Robert O’Neill has announced the pending release of his debut sex tape in a press conference today. Better known as “The Guy Who Shot Bin Laden,” O’Neill has carefully cultivated his media image over the past year to match the unparalleled dedication to selfless service that is a hallmark of the SEALs.

“After my publicly lauded performance in Abbottabad, multiple book deals, and ‘military adviser’ status on Fox News, a sex tape is a step in the right direction,” O’Neill said at a press conference in the Top Secret SEAL Team Six Team Room.

“This film, titled ‘The Money Shot,’ is in keeping with the finest traditions of quiet professionalism and in-your-face sexual performance,” said Fox military analyst and retired Army Lt. Col. Ralph Peters. “It’s got it all. High production value, smooth transitions, totally rocking soundtrack, and right after he climaxes, they feature an exclusive behind-the-scenes look at the selection and training of our nation’s best trained operators.”

According to SEAL Team Six Publicist Clarence Kimball, the two-and-a-half-hour sex tape features multiple segments of just SEALs lifting weights and high fiving each other.

“We wanted to make sure we got the ambience right,” Kimball said. “So we’ve got a full spread in Vanity Fair with Rob all greased up and flexing. Rob’s a true showman; we used the same photographer that did Kim [Kardashian]’s ass.”

Admitting the sex tape is a departure from the usual steady stream of publicity Naval Special Warfare has received over the past few years, O’Neill remains confident the video stays on message.

“Yes, this tape is graphic,” O’Neill said. “There are multiple, multiple, close-up shots of my chiseled body performing a variety of obscene acts. But this visceral display of sexual power is a sure way to keep Tier 1 Special Operations relevant and on the front pages, where it belongs.”

When asked if the sex tape and ensuing media frenzy could possibly have a negative effect on the perception of special operators or the American military as a whole, O’Neill responded from behind a large stack of Navy SEAL memoirs, telling reporters, “Isn’t media attention why everyone wants to join the teams?”

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Bert Brrrrt is one of the few infantrymen that knows how to write. His best ideas come when he's squatting over an overflowing slit trench oozing into his boot soles. In his free time, he brews beer and volunteers to carry the 240, because he's an American hero.