Scene and Heard: Scene's News Blog

Dick Feagler: Snow storms just aren't what they used to be

Today's topic: Snow…
I was at the coffee shop, and the guys all agree: This snow outside is a goddamned imposter.
Why, back in my day, snow was something you feared more than pinkos. It was the great white equalizer, the frozen monster of blue lips, the sacred chill-cotton of the sky. And it didn’t come in these pansy-ass flakes. Why, in my day, the clouds dropped anvils and machetes on your head. But these days, you might as well smear coco-butter across you belly whenever there's a cumulonimbus cloud approaching. This snow is weaker than Dukakis in '88. ...
And, back in my day, we didn’t have these winter storm hullabaloos on the local television. We had Eskimos. Real Eskimos. The type who ate whale blubber by pail, instead of the ones we have today, who think they’re tough for drinking Drano by the gallon. Our Eskimos ruffed up seals and kicked polar bears in the nads for sport. And they had all sorts of cool words for snow: God's powdered milk; Yeti vomit; blizzard piss; tears of Poseidon; and princess snow angel, back when princesses were actual princesses, with dads who were kings and dresses stitched of silk and peasants.
Why, back in my day, snow was so doggone cold we had to unbutton the rear-hatches of our undies to push out earth-toned ice-pellets. And the snow wasn’t scared of Global Warming, that’s for sure. The snow I remember would funnel liquid nitrogen down Al Gore’s throat to kill time on a Wednesday afternoon.
Yes, if only snow just went back to being cold, all our problems would vanish. Bums would freeze. Minks would go back to being coats and stop eating all our cats. Children would get some tough, frost bitten hands. And I'd stop sweating mayonnaise out my grape smuggler …
This has been another deep insight from Dick Feagler. We now return to our regularly scheduled programming...