The Daily Mail published a disturbing report alleging, via leaked texts, that Kathryn’s reckless behavior may have endangered her children’s health, both in utero and beyond. If these allegations are true, this bottom-feeding piece of white trash should never have contact with her children again. But even if they aren’t true, her abominable behavior throughout all four seasons of Southern Charm has continually shown her true colors–and they, like her outfits, are unbecoming, unfit for public consumption, and downright ugly.

Following is a refresher course that all Kathryn apologizers should be required to take. It will re-examine Kathryn’s immaturity, irresponsibility, lies, delusions, embarrassing outburts and violent rages. She is despicable, and it not because she is young, it is not because of drugs, it is not because Thomas corrupted her, and it is not because Thomas didn’t fulfill his drunken “promise” to put her on easy street for the rest of her life. Kathryn is despicable simply because she is rotten to her very core.

SEASON ONE

We hear about Kathryn before we see her. First we see her belongings strewn about Whitney’s bedroom, indicating that she has spent at least one night with him. Next we hear Will Folks (Thomas’ political consultant and editor of FITSnews), suggest that Thomas, in order to shore up his political career, should abandon his playboy ways and pick one woman to settle down with, and that woman should be Kathryn. In his talking head, Thomas refers to Kathryn as a “celebutante” and tells us that Kathryn is a scion of two very old South Carolina families, making her a suitable mate. Even more impressive is that when she was a page in the South Carolina Senate, she was known as ‘Senate Barbie.’ Obviously this moniker was a nod to her superior intellect and political acumen.

Kathryn makes her first appearance at a pool party wearing Ginger’s outfit from Gilligan’s Island and sporting a shade of red hair that even Belle Watling would find garish. She and Thomas flirt and the next day she wakes up in his bed. This is the first indication that Kathryn may be a bit promiscuous, which doesn’t make her a bad person. She possesses plenty of traits that make her a bad person, but promiscuity isn’t one of them.

The next reference to Kathryn is when Craig admits to Shep that he has a “kindergarten crush” on her. Of course Craig would use a juvenile phrase like that. It appears that Craig has invited Kathryn to a group beach outing, but once she gets there (wearing a fringed bikini that would make Sissy from Urban Cowboy proud), she ignores Craig and cozies up to Shep. At Republic that night, Kathryn is all over Shep and he tells her he “wants to take [her] home and use [her].” No girl could resist such a chivalrous proposal, so when Shep asks her if she wants to stay at his place, she immediately says yes. At this point I can understand why people might be inclined to feel sorry for a girl who appears to suffer from such low self esteem that she’ll go home with anyone who pays her a skerrick of attention. If that was the case, I’d feel bad for her, too–but as we soon find out, low self esteem is the last thing from which Kathryn is suffering.

Cut to Jenna’s pool party. Kathryn arrives and after being blown off by Danni, a drunk Thomas is feeling vulnerable and zeroes in on Kathryn. This is the first time you can see Kathryn’s cunning and manipulation on display. She tells him he hurt her because he didn’t call her after their one night stand. Then she asks how could he do that when HE put HER in the position of possibly becoming pregnant. Thomas admits they had unprotected sex, but I’m sorry. Kathryn put herself in that position just as much as Thomas did. People can whine and cry about the double standard for men and women, but this is the reality–if you don’t want to get pregnant, you as a woman are in charge of that.

Thomas, however, falls for Kathryn’s victim act and insists they get a pregnancy test. Kathryn says she doesn’t want to because she’s “not ready to find out.” That is a lie. She doesn’t want to take a pregnancy test because she knows she’s not pregnant, and only told Thomas that to manipulate him into paying attention to her and doesn’t want to be found out. They get an EPT on the way back to Thomas’ house, and–lo and behold–after Kathryn refuses to let Thomas into the bathroom with her, the test reads “error.” Kathryn is good. She knows it’s going to be negative, so to keep Thomas on tenterhooks, she does something–dips it in the toilet, pours alcohol or soap on it, whatever–to ensure it comes up inconclusive (just like the paternity test for Saint will, a couple of years down the road).

Thomas’ drunken ramblings in the next scene lay the groundwork for Kathryn’s (and her crazed minions’) delusional expectations. He tells her that if she got pregnant, she would have his entire fortune behind her, and their child would have a wonderful life. Kathryn, knowing she’s not pregnant (yet), lays her plans.

Thomas and Kathryn go to the doctor, because Kathryn wants to know “for sure” whether or not she’s pregnant. In the scene she makes up something about having abdominal pains, but the doctor confirms that she is not pregant. Thomas is impressed by how poised Kathryn has been throughout this pregnancy scare–of course she’s been poised–she knew all along she wasn’t pregnant. They go for drinks and Thomas tells her he thinks she’s an “old soul.” She avidly agrees with him, and this would be laughable except… Kathryn, like Mephistopheles, IS an old soul. In fact, I’m sure Satan has dispatched Kathryn to wreak havoc on the world many, many times over the ages. Faust should feel fortunate that he made his bargain with a kinder, gentler demon. Thomas was not so lucky.

The show has barely begun, and already Thomas’ new girlfriend is my hero. In the face of Kathryn’s tired “as a mother” and “my family” blatherings, Ashley Jacobs looks her in the eye and tells her exactly like it is: Kathryn is a baby mama at best, a mere egg donor at worst. The egg donor comment was a little harsh, but since Kathryn has no compunction about getting down in the mud with anyone, anywhere, turnabout is fair play.

Just like Thomas’ dinner party in Season 3, this scene takes place a few months hence, so we have to backtrack to see how this Kathryn/Ashley confrontation came about. It’s three months earlier, and everyone in Charleston has broken up: Shep and his Relationshep woman, Chelsea and Austen (we already knew that from last year’s reunion), Danni and her fiance, Liz and JD, and–thankfully, mercifully–Naomie and the loathsome Craig.

Shep brings Chik-fil-a to Cameran, who is almost 9 months pregnant. What a good friend!

He laments that the girl he found on his dating show was not into him after all–of the five nights he was in New York to see her, she only spent two with him. He points out that if someone really wants to see you, they’ll do it, come hell, high water or a nuclear meltdown. Except I think he said “nucular,” which is shocking coming from the usually erudite Shep. Mispronunciation aside, he is right, and with a shrug of his shoulders has moved on. Cameran thinks he needs to start dating women his own age, which as of today is 38. Cameran is wrong. She just heard Shep complain that the NY girl went home at 11pm instead of staying out until 4 in the morning with him; this alone should tell her that the last thing he needs or wants is a 38-year-old woman. Unless said 38-year-old woman fuels her drinking binges with blow and can hang with Shep for the long haul. Cameran, as always, needs to shut up.

Shep has a new beach house, and Cameran suggests he throw a party to celebrate his birthday. This is obviously a set-up for that scene from the preview clips where Naomie and the rest of the girls go at JD over his breakup with Liz. It looks like Season 5 is off to a rollicking start!

Kathryn has an unflattering new hairstyle as well as a new apartment where she can play Mommy to her children. Her number one enabler Danni shows up and is aghast at the bruise on Kathryn’s arm that was caused by Thomas’ insistence that she succumb to random drug tests.

Kathryn will never change. Here she is, acting like a victim because she is required to take drug tests in order to see her children, when her drug use is the reason her children were taken away from her in the first place. But for poor, blameless Kathryn, everything is always Thomas’ fault–and Danni just sits there nodding and clucking and enabling.

Kathryn may have to suffer the indignity of drug-testing, but she has emerged the victor in one aspect of her and Thomas’ custody agreement–he has to fire the nanny. Kathryn hates the nanny for some nonexistent reason her sick addict’s mind has concocted and has demanded she be let go. Never mind that the nanny has been nurturing and loving the children for the last year or two–she wounded Kathryn’s ego, so she has to go, the children’s stability be damned. Kathryn is as awful as ever.

Over at Thomas’ new kid-friendly house, he and the nanny are discussing Kensie’s schedule. He’s not happy about her imminent departure, but since Kathryn is an unreasonable monster, he had to appease her any way he could. Enter his new girlfriend Ashley, who we’ve seen all over social media for months, and whom I, for one, am very curious about. Kathryn has also heard about her, and snipes to Danni that it’s a good thing she’s a hospice nurse, because those skills will come in handy for Thomas. Because he’s old, I guess. Enabler Danni snickers as if Kathryn has just said something clever.

Naomie arrives at Chelt-sea’s salon, ostensibly to get her hair done, but really so she and Chelt-sea can catch us up on the status of their respective relationships. Craig and Naomie have finally broken up, because Craig is a sniveling dilettante and Naomie is an ambitious, intelligent young woman. Chelt-sea and Austen are no longer seeing each other because Austen quit his job and had no problem freeloading off Chelt-sea and using her for booty calls after boys’ nights out. He also started dating one of her friends, which was the last straw for Chelt-sea.

We hear Austen’s side of the story as he and Shep enjoy oceanside beers; he is confused because he thought he and Chelt-sea were exclusive, but she backed away. Then when she heard he was dating her friend Victoria she cut him off completely. Shep says something about having your cake and eating it too, which in this context I guess means that Chelt-sea can’t keep Austen at arm’s length and then get upset when he starts dating another girl.

The bottom line is that I don’t really care, because I’m as bored by Chelt-sea and Austen this year as I was last year. Single Chelt-sea seems like she’ll be a lot more fun and interesting to watch.

Whitney and Shep meet up for coffee of all things, and Whitney tells Shep that Patricia has a gentleman caller and may be engaged, which explains the giant rock she was sporting in the opening montage.

We get some insight into Whitney’s poor-little-rich-boy upbringing when he tells Shep he found out about one of his mother’s marriages via a telegram he received while at boarding school in England. No wonder Whitney has issues.

They discuss Shep’s birthday and settle on the idea of having a party at Shep’s house. Shep calls Craig to see if he’ll help with the cooking, since Craig is a master chef and all. Craig agrees, and the stage is set for what will hopefully be another drama-filled Southern Charm dinner.

Thomas goes to visit JD, who is living in the guest house after his separation from Liz. JD has gotten into some financial trouble and he was tired of dealing with “nonsense” at work, then coming home and not getting the support he felt he deserved from his partner.

Thomas can totally relate. JD says Liz told him she’s no longer in love with him, and I can’t wait to hear her side of the story. If that preview clip of Naomie and Chelt-sea calling JD out for being a cheater and a con-man is any indication, it should be a doozy.

Craig and Shep meet at the butcher shop to select meat for Shep’s party and drink whisky. (I’ve had this thought before, but this scene in particular makes me wonder why Whitney’s roommate from My Big Fat Fabulous Life would move to CHARLESTON to live in a sober house. Charleston seems like the least sober city in the world.)

Craig asks who is coming to the party, and of course it’s going to be all the recent exes, along with Kathryn, Thomas and Thomas’ new girlfriend, whom Kathryn has never met. Given Kathryn’s historic inability to keep it together–ever–Shep’s party should be an awesome shit show.

While Shep and Craig are bumbling over how to operate the grill, at Thomas’ house, Ashley is modeling outfits to wear to the party. It’s the first time she’s going to meet a lot of these people, and she wants to dress appropriately, so she selects…this?

Thomas scoffs at the suggestion that the shorts may be a little too short (and tight), so this is what they decide she should wear. Bring on the catfights! Thomas points out that Ashley has “beautiful manners,” something he didn’t see “very often” from Kathryn. This, in Whitney’s words, is a bit of an understatement.

Shep and Craig have no idea what they’re doing with the grill, and when Austen arrives he questions the lack of appetizers to snack on. Craig is acting like a little bitch as usual, and it’s funny that the show is trying to set up a potential food disaster as the basis for the drama at dinner, when across town…

All the girls have gathered at Naomie’s awesome new house for pre-party drinks and gossip. Any food problems will shrivel into nonexistence in the face of the actual drama these girls are ready to bring. Naomie is pissed at JD because, since he wanted to attend Shep’s party, Liz is stuck at home watching the kids. I don’t get why Naomie is so outraged about this–if Liz really wanted to go, couldn’t she just get a babysitter? Naomie is ready to “lose her shit” if JD even mentions Liz. Chelt-sea isn’t too concerned about seeing Austen, which–duh–because everyone knows the real issue is how Kathryn is going to react to seeing Ashley for the first time.

It’s ironic that all of these girls are calling Ashley thirsty when one of them got on the show by screwing almost the entire cast, one got on by dating an abject loser she obviously couldn’t stand, and a third is a Survivor alum as well as a Southern Charm cast member. Those who live in glass houses… For some inexplicable reason everyone is rallying behind Kathryn, assuring her they’ve got her back and congratulating themselves on their girl power moment. Because nothing bonds women together more than ripping another woman to shreds behind her back.

Ashley is right to be concerned about the full moon as everyone heads to Shep’s, but alas, since this was a standard catch-up and set-up premiere episode, we’ll have to wait until next week for the the drama to unfold.

First there is some housekeeping to get out of the way. If there is one thing TLC excels at, it’s giving us heaping helpings of exposition that we don’t need. Elizabeth is a nervous wreck waiting for Andrei to get out of his immigration interview. It’s a wasted scene because–surprise!–Andrei was approved. Now Elizabeth can start to stress about Andrei meeting her family.

Luis has purchased an engagement ring for Molly but wants to give Olivia a heads up before he proposes. In another wasted scene, because we already know that Olivia is less than excited about this marriage, she tells Luis not to rush into it before she and Kensley get to know him better. Here’s a heads up Olivia can actually use–Luis and Molly have already rushed into it, and the engagement is a fait accompli. Luis points out that whether he proposes to Molly right away or waits to do it, they’re still going to be married within 90 days. And there it is. We don’t need to see any more scenes in which Molly’s family express their reservations about Luis. We already know they don’t like the idea of Molly marrying him, so either show us how he wins them over or show us how he proves them right. Just move it along, people.

In Thailand, cowardly, broke, weasel David takes off his engagement ring before he video chats with his daughter, Ashley. He hasn’t told his kids that he’s engaged to Annie yet, but pussyfoots into the water by telling Ashley that Annie says hi. Ashley asks, “Who’s Annie,” maybe because she’s trying to get in a little dig about her father’s parade of Asian girlfriends, or maybe because she really has no idea who Annie is. She’s never spoken to or seen Annie, and she suspects that she’s a figment of her dad’s imagination. To prove her wrong, David drags Annie over to the computer and forces her into an awkward conversation with Ashley, in which Ashley asks her if she can do nails. You know, because that’s what every Thai woman does–nails. And ben-wa balls, but it would be a little creepy if Ashley asked about that.

Turns out that Annie can do nails, and she shows Ashley her own to provide a sample of her work. Poor Annie. First she has to cook for Chris and Nicki and maybe give Chris Thai massages by the pool, and now she’s expected to do David’s daughter’s nails. I hope the water buffaloes were worth it. I don’t see how they could be. Annie tries to hold up her hands but David covers up her left one so Ashley won’t see her engagement ring. After they hang up David explains that he wasn’t trying to hurt her, he just didn’t want Ashley to see the ring because he hasn’t yet told her about their engagement. Annie asks him why he’s lying to his kids and David responds that he’s not lying, he’s just not telling them everything. This is one of the many reasons why David is a loser. Not only does he have no money and no shame, he has no balls.

After the fallout from their fight about Nicole’s shady and deceptive ways, she, Azan and May go to the beach. Nicole thinks a beach day is a good way to show Azan how great of a family they can be. Okay. Because there is no better way to solve problems than sweeping them under the rug (or the sand). There is a camel on the beach (maybe they’re trying to sweep their problems under the magic carpet), and when Azan climbs onto its back, Nicole tells May to watch “daddy.” It’s really unnecessary for Nicole to prompt May like that, because clearly the child has already been thoroughly indoctrinated into the Azan-as-daddy thing; when Azan climbed onto the camel, an alarmed May cried, “daddy–noooo!”

When Azan admits being a parent is harder then he thought, Nicole asks him to imagine how hard it is to raise a child and have a JOB at the same time. Azan used to have a job, but Nicole called and texted him so much while he was working that he got fired. Azan wants to get another job because he, like everyone else, doesn’t like not having any money. His feelings don’t concern Nicole, who is happy to send him money in exchange for his being available to text and talk to her 24/7. It’s okay with her if he gets a job, as long as the job he gets meets that one criterion. Of course no job will, so she has him over a barrel. How does this simpleton have the mental wherewithal to be such a cunning, manipulative monster?

Speaking of monsters, Her Imperial Highness Evelyn of Claremont has dragged her consort David to the tuxedo shop. HIH Evelyn is concerned over the fact that she and David have been arguing so much over the wedding planning but chalks it up to them both being stubborn, which is half right. David has the gall to want a blue tuxedo instead of a black one, which HIH Evelyn will not tolerate in the classic, vintage wedding she has been dreaming of HER WHOLE LIFE. Evelyn’s lack of irony is astounding. David thinks her age contributes to her irrational need for control, but I’ve got news for him–it is not Evelyn’s age that makes her a tyrant. It’s the fact that she’s a tyrant that makes her a tyrant, and she’s not going to grow out of it. David agrees to wear a black tuxedo, and I wish he would understand that every time he gives into one of HIH Evelyn’s petulant demands it’s just going to reinforce her belief that no one should dare to question her imperial edicts.

With the issue of David’s tuxedo settled, the bridal shop worker brings up the groomsmen. Uh oh. If you recall, HIH Evelyn not only expects David’s friends and family to fly to America and find and pay for their own accommodations, she expects them to rent tuxes. Since David has the audacity to disagree with her about making them spring for their own attire, HIH refuses to discuss the issue. She cannot understand why she can’t be just a little bit selfish on her wedding day of all days, which is HER day that, again, she has been dreaming of her WHOLE LIFE. It’s pretty clear that Evelyn feels entitled to be selfish every day of her life, and the wedding is just an excuse to ramp it up to titanic proportions.

David points out that HIH is marrying someone from another culture and it would be nice if she would compromise a little bit. But HIH reminds David (again) that he is in ‘MERICA now and it’s time to toe the line. What a charmer.

Molly is taking Luis to Woodstock, Georgia’s version of the beach. Talk about culture shock.

Molly has packed a picnic and it’s kind of sad when Luis asks her if she comes to the beach sometimes, and she replies that she’s always wanted to but never had anyone to go with. Aww. Well now she has Luis, and he is going to surprise her by proposing, despite Olivia’s misgivings. It’s sweet how surprised Molly is when he gets down on one knee and presents her with the ring. Of course she says yes, and they share an embrace on the sad little beach that is kind of a metaphor for this relationship. Molly has been lonely and is happy to have someone to share her life with, but I think she is settling for a murky Georgia lake instead of holding out for the turquoise waters of the Caribbean.

Elizabeth and Andrei are in a pub celebrating his visa until Elizabeth brings the celebration to a screeching halt by badgering Andrei about whether or not he’s going to “forbid” her to go out on girls’ nights once he gets to the US. He is fine with her going out with her sisters or her girlfriends on special occasions, but not until like, 4am, and not to the club. What about her bachelorette party? Andrei says it’s fine if she goes out for dinner and has a bottle of prosecco, but Elizabeth doesn’t consider such a staid outing to be fun. She’s worried that Andrei is going to expect her to be a submissive, old-world style wife and not the freewheeling American woman she is. She’s willing to compromise, she says, amid a series of blinks and tics that belie this statement, but Andrei is going to have to alter his expectations, too.

I’m a little concerned about Andrei’s control issues. He makes them sound kind of reasonable by saying Elizabeth can go out with her friends and family as long she sticks to certain parameters that he lays out. But this is an excuse for Elizabeth to say to herself, “well he didn’t forbid me to go, he just wants to know where I am and who I’m with because he’s worried about me.” This is slippery-slope thinking. Hasn’t Elizabeth ever watched Investigation Discovery?

In Thailand, David and Annie are having a joint bachelor-bachelorette party. From this segment we become privy to yet another of David’s long list of shortcomings by learning that he’s a bad drunk. With each revelation it becomes more and more baffling that Annie continues to contemplate moving across the world with this “man.” Annie says that whenever David drinks he can’t control himself. She is embarrassed as he dances through the streets and annoyed when he questions why she is sitting across the bar talking to her friend. Um, she’s talking to her friend about you because you’re acting like a jackass.

I’m glad Annie’s friends are there for her to vent to, and I’m proud of her for getting in David’s face about his sloppy behavior. Obviously she’s not going to dump him yet because we’ve already seen previews of her on the plane to the US, but the fact that she’s standing up for herself in this situation is a good sign. Annie tells her friend she’s worried about going to America with David–another good sign.

Nicole and Azan are at the market–again. They spend a lot of time in various markets. Azan is teaching Nicole to shop for vegetables so she can cook healthy meals for him in America. Not surprisingly, Nicole says she’s used to the kind of vegetables that come out of a can, which sort of explains why she mistakes green beans for peas, but not really.

The next stop is the chicken man. Nicole wonders why the chickens are still moving, apparently not realizing that they are picking out a fresh chicken that will be killed and butchered right then and there. This is too exotic for Nicole, who escapes outside for some fresh air. The Moroccan market sure is different from the Piggly Wiggly in bumfuck, Florida!

In Georgia, Molly has invited Olivia to have lunch with her and Luis so they can all spend some time together. Olivia is on reasonably good behavior as Molly asks for her help in planning the wedding, but it all goes south when Luis tries to feed Molly in an overtly sexual way. Olivia is repulsed and states that her mom and Luis are “gross,” which in this case is true. Olivia and Luis’ relationship is already weird because Luis is closer in age to her than Molly, yet he’s going to be her stepfather. It gets even weirder when Luis tells her she needs a “real” boyfriend, which kind of comes out like he thinks she needs a boyfriend to loosen her up sexually. Eww. Molly immediately puts the kibosh on that, telling Luis that Olivia is too young, but Luis disagrees. Molly is dismayed that Luis is not acting like a proper father figure, but–duh–he’s 26 years old. She thinks they can find a way to parent together, or at least that Luis will respect her wishes as a mother and behave accordingly.

It’s Josh and Aika. Josh looks mighty weathered for a 43-year-old (meth?), and he needs to take those tragic gauges out of his ears. Of course he wants Aika to model because it’s his dream to have a model girlfriend/wife. HIS dream. Here we go again with an over-the-hill wannabe model and some backwater talent agency in the boondocks. Did Josh learn nothing from Paola and her Oklahoma City modeling career? Doing local car commercials and gigs as a Fireball girl in the greater Phoenix area sports bars is not exactly what aspiring models dream of doing. And to Aika’s credit, she’s not at all interested in modeling but just going along with it to appease Josh. (Also to her credit, she immediately realized that flip flops are more suitable for the supermarket than hooker heels.) Aika is not the problem here–Josh is.

And who is this modeling agency employee throwing bitchface at poor Aika throughout her audition?

The agency tells Aika they would like to work with her, but when Aika says she’s planning on getting pregnant in a year or two, they immediately rescind their offer. This is a master stroke by Aika. She doesn’t want to model and gets out of it by simply telling the truth that her priorities are being a wife and mother, which to Josh should be above reproach if he’s actually interested in a wife and not a piece of arm candy. Nicely played, Aika.

Ugh. Her Imperial Highness and David are at a bakery to taste wedding cakes. HIH is going to throw David a crumb–get it?–with this one detail because she doesn’t care about it that much. How magnanimous. David is happy to get his way, but soon finds out that as a subject of the imperial realm, he’s probably never going to really get his way when Evelyn tells him they can’t afford the cake. Instead of feeding all the guests expensive wedding cake, HIH decrees that they will order a fancy cake for the wedding party only. Everyone else can settle for Betty Crocker or a lump of coal because, as HIH graciously points out, it’s not about them anyway.

I’m surprised David and HIH have to be so frugal for this wedding, what with the family band and her red-hot solo career. HIH is happy that her and David’s parents are helping them pay for the wedding, but if I were David’s parents, it would take about 2 minutes of watching this smug little despot emasculate my son before I pulled the plug. I’m sure they’ll be appalled when they meet her in person, so maybe they’ll be able to talk some sense into David before it’s too late.

Azan’s aunt–the woman who has opened her house to Nicole and her daughter–has made a traditional Moroccan dish for Nicole, who rudely scrunches up her face at it. It’s a sheep’s head, and since a sheep’s head is outside her usual fare of chicken nuggets and cheetos, she refuses to eat it. When Azan forces her to try it–after all, it’s the first time to his knowledge Nicole has ever not been hungry–she takes a tiny little taste then spits it out right in from of the aunt. Unbelievable.

Luis and Molly’s brother Jess are playing pool when Olivia and her friend join them. It seems like Olivia is warming up to Luis a little bit–maybe a little too much, because Luis feels comfortable enough to inquire into her sex life. When Olivia says she’s way too young to think about marriage, Luis asks her if she’s just with her boyfriend to f*** him. Gross. Gross, gross, gross. Then he asks her if she knows the Spanish word “agarre,” which he translates as meaning, “when you wanna f*** you should f***. Even more gross.

Olivia reports this conversation to Molly and Molly is horrified. When she tries to tell Luis that having that type of conversation with Olivia is inappropriate, Luis just shrugs and says Olivia should be able to do whatever she wants with her body. This doesn’t bode well for the future father-daughter relationship.

You know it’s going to be a tiresome episode when the first shot is of a bedraggled Peggy walking down the hall. Anything that has to do with Peggy is at best boring and at worst infuriating. Or being that this is a reality show, maybe it’s the other way around.

After hiding in her room all day, Peggy has decided to come to Lydia’s room to talk. She is upset over last night, because while Peggy can be rude AF to anyone and everyone, she is hypersensitive to any perceived slight. This time she’s upset because Kelly made an “insensitive” comment about her father. She did not. When Peggy ridiculously said she was going to have her husband call Kelly’s husband to resolve their conflicts, Kelly retorted that she was going to have her dad call Peggy’s dad. Peggy of course thinks Kelly meant it as a cruel reminder that Peggy’s father is dead, but Kelly’s response was a perfectly suitable playground rebuttal to Peggy’s initial juvenile threat. Kelly might as well have said, “I know you are but what am I?” Peggy is utterly unable to grasp contextual situations. Her jokes don’t land, her conversation is awkward and her interpretations are off-base. Is this season almost over so I never have to see or hear about Peggy Sulahian again?

Lydia has planned a final Viking-themed dinner for their last night in Iceland and instead of joining the other women on the bus to the restaurant, she is stuck at the hotel ministering to Peggy’s misconceptions about the previous night. How tedious. In addition to whining about Kelly, Peggy is upset that she heard Meghan’s baby crying in her room while Meghan was next door partying with the other housewives. First of all, it’s none of Peggy’s business. Second, Meghan brought a nanny with her so she could hang out and party with the other housewives, and third, it’s not a crime to let a baby cry. Peggy whips out what she thinks is some kind of vindicating evidence in the form of a pointless video she took with her phone. It contains the sounds of drunken laughter and not much else.

Lydia doesn’t understand Peggy’s point of view, but decides she’ll forgo the dinner and stay at the hotel with her. That Lydia–what a saint.

Meanwhile, everyone else arrives at a rustic dining hall where a chorus of woolly sweater-clad men waits to serenade them with traditional Icelandic music. Despite Tamra’s frantic admonitions to not eat the potatoes (God forbid!), the women dig into their lamb shanks and manage to behave with a modicum of decorum. Except for when they all scream “Skol!” at the top of their lungs. The very best thing about this episode so far is when the master of ceremonies–and everyone else–completely ignores Vicki when she asks, at the top of her lungs, whether they’re going to whoop it up. Then, realizing no one is going respond to her tired “catch phrase,” she tries to save face by doing a clownish vaudeville-esque double-take. If we’re going to stoop to vaudeville mugging, let’s go all the way and drag Vicki Gunvalson off the stage once and for all with with a giant hook. It’s beyond time.

Shannon primly insists that “it’s fine” Tamra and Vicki are getting along when she really wants to blow a gasket. Tamra urges Vicki to apologize to Shannon for what she said about David beating her and Vicki does, but in typical Vicki fashion, the apology means nothing because she is only offering it to appease Tamra. Shannon gets that there is zero sincerity or sentiment behind the apology because Vicki always qualifies and/or minimizes her wrongdoings. Vicki says she’ll “eat some humble pie” and in her mind, that is truly all she is doing. She thinks Shannon’s need for an apology is completely unreasonable since she doesn’t think she’s done anything wrong, but she’ll suck it up and be the martyr because all she wants out of life is peace and tranquility. God, go away Vicki.

Tamra and Vicki rehash their issues AGAIN and I’m so disinterested I can’t type another word about it.

Peggy has decided to go to dinner so Lydia, who organized the whole thing, doesn’t have to miss it. She arrives in a floor-length red ball gown that is totally inappropriate for the occasion and immediately starts in on Kelly. It is a crying shame that Kelly has been attending anger management classes, because if anyone deserves a full-on Kelly Dodd assault, it’s Peggy.

There are few things on this earth more torturous than listening to Peggy Sulahian trying to articulate her position on anything. It’s like she’s an actor who’s been given a script but keeps saying her lines at the wrong time so they don’t jibe with anything that’s going on around her. She pulls out her video of nothing and attacks Meghan over the baby’s crying, which makes Meghan cry. Naturally everyone leaps to Meghan’s defense over the unwarranted indictment of her motherhood and goes after Peggy. Vicki feels sorry for Peggy because the other women are ganging up on her, but Peggy brought it on herself. She is abrasive and rude and it’s high time she got called on it.

Peggy’s great friend Vicki may feel bad for her, but since Vicki is determined to weasel out of any confrontation by repeating, ad nauseum, that it’s not her fight, she slinks away from the table and cowers in the bus. Vicki is above all this petty bickering, don’t ya know–all she wants is to promote peace and love. And her insurance business.

Back inside, Shannon is comforting a teary Meghan and telling Peggy she’s done talking to her. Stupid, interfering Lydia thinks Shannon is going off the rails again when Shannon is just rightfully fed up with Peggy. Peggy exacerbates the situation by making a dig about David not being “loyal” to Shannon because he lied to her about his and Diko’s cancer conversation–GOD, JUST LET IT GO ALREADY! Shannon is on the verge of going ballistic but Tamra interjects to call Diko is a little bitch, and Kelly stands up and delivers the long-awaited line, “if you’re going to throw BOMBS, I’m going to throw NUKES!” Welcome back, Kelly Dodd! And with that, Peggy is out. Thank God.

Somewhere within this mess Peggy goes over to Meghan and attempts to apologize to her (I think) and Meghan is kinder than she needs to be. She says she understands that whatever Peggy was trying to convey about the baby was lost in translation, and that Peggy is odd. but she still can’t forget that Peggy brought it up and is hurt by it. Peggy doesn’t deserve Meghan’s understanding after calling her a giraffe while insinuating she’s a neglectful mother. Fuck you, Peggy.

Peggy joins Vicki in the bus, vowing to take her own car back to the hotel and her own “jet” back to Orange County. She is upset that Vicki abandoned her and dismisses Vicki’s yammering about being “a businesswoman, a mother, a grandmother” with a bored, “yeah, we know.” Indeed we do, Peggy, and this is the first and probably last time I’ve been on board with anything you’ve said.

The next morning, a hungover Kelly calls Vicki to report that Peggy has “bounced.” Back in the OC, Meghan and Jim are putting together invitations for the candle launch party, Lydia’s mother is sprinkling mashed potatoes with fairy dust, and Vicki is giving Briana the lowdown on the Iceland trip. Briana calls her mother out on every single one of her machinations, and it’s a joy to behold.

Tamra accompanies Shannon to the doctor, who tells Shannon her hormone levels are low. Shannon took herself off progesterone and estrogen, which may account for her weight gain, mood swings and general emotional instability. The doctor advises her she needs to start taking them again, along with topical applications of testosterone “down there,” which will help remedy a low libido. Shannon protests that she doesn’t have a low libido, David just isn’t interested. Tamra jokes that of all the things Shannon will be putting “down there,” her husband won’t be one of them. She says the remedy for that is divorce. Astonishingly Shannon takes these statements with a sense of humor, cracking up alongside Tamra. There’s hope for Shannon yet.

Next Vicki and Peggy meet to discuss Vicki’s cowardly behavior at the Viking dinner. Peggy is still upset that Vicki didn’t have her back and Vicki offers one of her typical self-serving, Mad Hatter explanations for why she was right to not get involved. It’s the exact same argument she gave Kelly last year, and it’s just as disingenuous now as it was then.

Shannon and David share a painful exchange that forces Shannon to finally admit that David is totally checked out of the marriage. She just wants to know where she stands because the limbo they’re living in now is torture for her. Thank God these two finally separated.

Next week: The season finale! No more Peggy Sulahian after next week and the reunions, because I guarantee that Peggy is a one-and-done. Yahoo!

As Nicole and Azan are leaving Casablanca, they make a pit stop so Azan can show Nicole and May its famous mosque. Nicole couldn’t be more disinterested. Two-year-old May is better able to grasp its architectural impact than her mother, whose only concern is that she and Azan will be able to sleep in the same room when they get to his aunt’s house in Agadir. She has heard that unmarried couples can sleep together in private homes in Morocco, and has no compunction about forcing Azan into the awkward position of asking his aunt to openly disrespect her culture. She’s a randy one, that Nicole.

Elizabeth lands in Ireland, and is immediately on edge when Andrei says he has something to tell her. This scene has already been teased ad nauseum, and in true TLC-style, it’s a complete nonevent. The thing Andrei has to tell her is that his interview with US Immigration will take place two days hence. Control issues aside, Andrei is cute as a button and he and Elizabeth seem legitimately in love.

Since Molly works all the time, Luis spends a lot of time with her daughter Kensley. He likes kids, and he and Kensley seem to have a sweet rapport until Luis starts badgering her about how she feels about him becoming her new padre. She tells him in no uncertain terms that she already has a dad and shows her burgeoning diva-ness by telling him exactly how it is: “You’re not my dad. I don’t love you. Sorry.” Ouch.

In Thailand, it’s the day of David and Annie’s traditional engagement ceremony, and guess what? David is nervous because he has to shell out cash he doesn’t have to the entire village. No wonder the villagers have been so welcoming to him. What a sap. Like I called last week, David has borrowed more money from his friend Chris to get through the ceremony.

It’s time for Spanish David’s welcome to America party. Evelyn’s aunt, clearly recognizing the foundation of a solid marriage, thinks they make a great couple because they’re easy on the eyes. David tells everyone that he wants to live somewhere warmer, like Virginia, for a few years. Coming from Spain, he’s not looking forward to months of cold and snow, and he thinks this is the time for him and Evelyn to have adventures and new experiences. He is absolutely right, but Evelyn’s family is horror-struck at the thought because, in Evelyn’s father’s words, such a move would be a “deathblow” to the family band. Are these people for real?

When David reasonably suggests that they could get a replacement for Evelyn for a couple of years, her mother reveals how Evelyn became the insufferable monster she is by saying, “Evelyn IS the band.” Evelyn tries to shut down the conversation by saying it’s making her angry, but David reminds her that he’s not asking her to go to Spain, just to another state. The band’s mouth tightens with displeasure at this affront to her authority.

Fortunately Mikayla (sp?) walks in and Evelyn’s wrath turns from David to her. As Mikayla calmly tries to explain her concerns about their hasty marriage, David and Evelyn gang up on her. Evelyn says that by not trusting her judgment, Mikayla is disrespecting her. David chalks up her attitude to being a lonely spinster, which makes Mikayla cry. This douchebag move makes me think that maybe David and Evelyn are a match made in heaven, after all. Mikayla and Evelyn hug it out, but I think this one-sided friendship is doomed. Evelyn obviously expects Mikayla to toe the line when she lays down the law, and is only tolerating her rebellion in order to ensure her wedding pictures have the proper composition. The best thing that could happen to Mikayla would be to get out of Evelyn’s shadow and find some friends that appreciate her honesty and thoughtfulness. #TeamMikayla.

In Dublin, Andrei’s casual attitude towards his upcoming visa interview is making Elizabeth nervous. If he is denied, she would have to move to Ireland. The horror! I truly do not get why these people are so dead-set against moving to Europe. The Philippines? Sure. The DR? No-brainer. Thailand? Okay. But Europe? I’m scratching my head.

Wait a minute. Nicole and Azan have just arrived at his aunt’s house–a woman Nicole has never met. Nicole expects Azan to ask a woman she has never met, whose hospitality she is taking advantage of, if they can flout the rules of her culture and have sex in her house?? Nicole has no shame.

Azan’s family is extremely welcoming to this clueless blob, and immediately envelop May with love and affection. Do they have Child Protective Services in Morocco? If so, Azan’s family should call them immediately and get custody of May, who might actually have a chance in life if she gets away from her clod-hopping disaster of a mother.

Azan, visibly squirming but feeling that he has to knuckle under to Nicole’s wishes, asks his aunt–in front of the WHOLE FAMILY–if he and Nicole can have their own room. Why would he agree to making such a brazen request? How does Nicole bulldoze everyone around her into getting her way? Why are her family and Azan so susceptible to her manipulation? It’s maddening.

Thank goodness for Azan’s aunt, who denies the request. Azan breathes a sigh of relief, and Nicole congratulates herself for not complaining or getting angry at the denial. Wow, Nicole has really grown. Azan claims he want to have sex with Nicole, just not in his aunt’s house, surrounded by his family. I don’t think Azan would want to have sex with Nicole on a desert island after ingesting a triple dose of Molly and a fifth of tequila, but that’s just me. Apparently they did have sex during Nicole’s last visit to Morocco, but I have a vision of Azan squeezing his eyes shut and gritting his teeth as he perfunctorily performs the act, praying to Allah for it to be over soon. I just don’t get what Azan’s endgame is.

David and Annie are back in Thailand, having drinks somewhere with a spectacular, panoramic view of the city. How can David afford a place like this? Oh–he can’t. They’re meeting Chris and his wife Nikki there so Chris can pay the tab. Not only is Chris paying the bar tab and footing the bill for David’s entire romantic folly, we learn that David and Annie will be living with him and Nikki when they get to America. That’s because in addition to having no money, David has no apartment, no house, no car and no bank account. I give David credit for being such an unabashed loser, but what exactly is Annie getting out of this relationship?

David, Annie, Chris and Nikki discuss the living arrangements once they all return to America. Even though Chris extended this offer to David without consulting her, good sport Nikki tells Annie she and David are welcome in their home. They will have private quarters in the basement and full kitchen privileges, just like in an SRO in San Francisco’s Tenderloin district. It’s even better than a Tenderloin SRO because they will have their own bathroom. All Chris and Nikki want in return is for Annie to cook them Thai food and maybe give Chris Thai massages by the pool.

Wait–did I just hear that? Did Chris actually just ask Annie if she’ll give him Thai massages in exchange for her room and board?! Dear God, this has to be the last straw. Annie has accepted 2 baht of gold instead of 11, a lowball dowry and two small water buffalo instead of a proper dowry and a nice, big water buffalo, and endured David’s endless grousing about his inability to afford the expenses associated with their engagement as well as his physical attentions (yuck). She is leaving everything she knows to go to a strange country with a man who has no worldly possessions and no way of supporting her, where she will be unable to work herself. And now, not only is she going to be a guest in the home of virtual strangers, she is expected to earn her keep–and work off David’s debt–by giving massages to this creepy, red-faced lech?? At this point, Annie AND Nikki should run away as fast as they can. I’m actually kind of sick to my stomach right now.

David does not say a word during this exchange and leaves it to Annie to deny the request. What a pussy. David does not have a single redeeming quality, and the only thing I want in life right now is for Annie to get up from the table and never look back. And I thought Mark rousting Nikki out of bed with a train whistle was bad. What a naive lamb I was back in Season 3. Honestly, how bad can Annie’s life in Thailand be if she’s willing to put up with this nonstop humiliation?

Molly takes Luis to meet her father, who surprise, surprise, is not receptive to their relationship. Molly thinks he just needs more time but Luis understands that he has not been accepted and probably never will be. Poor Luis–first Olivia, then Kensley and now Molly’s father. Thank goodness for Jess, who’s just happy to have some help taking care of the lawn and a buddy to drink beer with all day.

Elizabeth and Andrei prepare for his visa interview by role-playing. She is the stern interviewer and Andrei is himself. Elizabeth is unhappy with his cavalier attitude and Andrei is frustrated with this exercise because Elizabeth is grilling him. This doesn’t bode well for his interview, but this is TLC, and all the tension and build-up being created around this interview will be for naught when his visa is granted 5 or 6 episodes down the line.

Azan, Nicole and May are eating out. Nicole reminds Azan not to order any vegetables for May and surprisingly, Azan pretty much lets this slide. That’s because he has more important things on his mind, like where he and Nicole will live once he comes to America. Nicole’s father–and Azan’s sponsor–wants them to live separately before they get married. Azan initially seems concerned because he will have no friends and no job once he gets there and will be sitting around the house, but it turns out that is not the real issue. He wants to live with Nicole to keep tabs on her. He doesn’t trust her because–get this–SHE cheated on HIM! Not only that, but when she got back from Morocco last year, one night she took off her engagement ring before going out with a friend because she wanted to feel “free” for the night.

In their interview, Azan is shocked when Nicole reveals that friend was a guy. Nicole tries to say he was just a friend and it was no big deal, but Azan’s issue is that she told him she went out with girlfriends that night. Nicole stops the interview and demands to be de-mic’d. She follows Azan outside and pleads with him listen to her. It sounds like they’re both crying and I’m amazed that Azan seems genuinely upset over her betrayal. Can he possibly have real feelings for her?

Josh, who we haven’t seen in a couple of weeks, is going to the airport to pick up Aika, who emerges from the plane looking like an Asian blow-up doll come to life wearing pink hooker pumps, a micro-miniskirt, and full make-up complete with fake colored contacts. Maybe she and Paola shop at the same store. Nothing like a wholesome girl to bring home to mom–or in Josh’s case, a house full of roommates. Here’s yet another one who has been less than honest about his circumstances in the US. Aika wonders why he’s picking her up in a jeep when he promised to buy her a Porsche. At least David has been forthcoming about his penniless loser-dom.

Poor Luis is bored being stuck out in the sticks with no friends, nothing to do and Molly working all the time. He video calls his family and even though he tries to put a brave face on his circumstances, his loneliness is evident. The Family Luis (tm Pedro) encourages him to hang in there and love Molly’s daughters and family even though they don’t accept him at the moment. Luis agrees to try, even though it’s not as easy as that. Poor Luis.

Evelyn has decreed that it’s time for her and David to send out their wedding invitations, even if they have to stay up all night to do it. She’s not a rigid despot, she just likes things a certain way. What Evelyn means when she says a “certain” way is “her” way, which includes demanding that David address his envelopes in cursive. Really?

David makes the mistake of pointing out that it would be easier to have a website rather then sending physical invitations, which of course it would, since most of his guests are coming from Europe. In a controlled fury, Evelyn responds that a website would NOT be easier, since the invitations have already been printed. Remember, it’s HER wedding and it will be done HER way, with the fluffy pink invitations she’s been dreaming about her WHOLE life.

David blunders again by broaching the subject of accommodations for his friends and family. Evelyn refuses to ask her friends and family to host them because in Claremont, NH–the only corner of the world that matters–people don’t feel comfortable inviting strangers into their homes. Except for Pastor Tim, who had no problem putting David up for 90 days.

Evelyn scoffs at the idea that she should put any effort into finding David’s wedding guests places to stay because there are cheap hotels in the neighboring towns. Is he aware that if they stay in other towns they will have to rent cars to get where they need to be? She is actually annoyed that they might not come to the wedding just because, after spending thousands of dollars to travel to the US and shelling out an extra $100 to rent a tux–per Evelyn’s edict–they are still expected to find and pay for their own accommodations. Someone needs to tell this little bitch to go jump in a lake, pronto. Evelyn is a monster, created by an insular community of marginalized fanatics and parents who worship the ground she walks on, who have all deluded her into believing her mediocre warbling is some kind of great talent.

Josh and Aika arrive at his home. She changed clothes somewhere along the way and, incredibly, looks even more whorish than she did when she got off the plane. Aika sizes up Josh’s roommate like a piece of meat, giggling that he is a “big, handsome man.” Red flag. Josh’s skeptical friend Joe shows up and after presenting Aika with a cheesy Welcome-to-America kit, proceeds to grill her about all the men she was talking to online. Welcome to America, indeed.

Back in Morocco, Nicole and Azan are meeting for lunch to discuss Nicole’s wanton and deceptive ways. Since Azan only trusts Nicole “like, 40%” he wonders if marrying her is a good idea. The answer is, it’s not. Nicole assures Azan that she’s told him everything and he can trust her. For some reason he agrees to give her another chance, and that’s it for this week’s episode.

Is this episode really going to be all about Vicki’s phony health scare? This pathetic attention whore will stoop to anything.

Peggy is hovering over Vicki, barking instructions at the physician who is trying to ascertain the problem. Apparently the Armenian way is to bulldoze your way through a situation you know nothing about in an effort to make yourself relevant. Shut up, Peggy. When the doctor asks Vicki if she has a heart condition, she whimpers that she’s under “cardiology care” but doesn’t know what for. Let’s get this straight–Vicki is not under “cardiology care;” she visited a cardiologist to undergo a series of tests, then milked the results that she had a heart murmur for sympathy. Making people feel sorry for her is the ONLY reason she had those tests, and the only reason for the nonsense viewers are currently being subjected to.

Tamra, no slouch in the fame-whoring department, realizes she’s missing a golden opportunity for some camera time and brushes past the medical team to take center stage on Vicki’s bedside. Dr. Peggy thinks there is too much commotion and tells the other housewives to leave the room, which prompts Kelly to snap her fingers in Peggy’s face and tell her to let the medics do their job. Brava Kelly–exactly.

After hotelier Fridrik lays down the law and reports that the medical team will leave if the women don’t stop congregating around Vicki, Lydia leads a group prayer. Why do the producers feel it’s necessary to broadcast every one of Lydia’s lame prayers? And why is Lydia always the one saying the prayers? Did the false messiah who is getting rich off the stooges who attend her megachurch imbue her with some direct line to God? Probably, in order to keep the donations flowing, and of course Lydia believed it because for all her blather about sparkles and rainbows, Lydia is arrogant.

Kelly continues to diagnose Vicki as having an anxiety attack, and has had enough when Peggy shushes her yet again. Nobody puts Kelly Dodd in a corner! Kelly’s diagnosis is probably pretty accurate. She is no stranger to drinking binges and understands–like fellow whoop-it-upper Vicki should–that anxiety is a by-product of alcohol withdrawal.

Tamra reports that Vicki is being taken to the hospital, then snickers when Vicki emerges from the room in a wheelchair with a robe over her head. Even as she calls out the ridiculousness of Vicki’s drama queen antics, Tamra must feel some grudging respect for the OG’s ability to hijack an entire episode. Right now Tamra is wondering who Vicki’s shame-ectomy (tm Stassi) doctor is, because he or she does excellent work.

As Vicki is whisked away by ambulance, the rest of the ladies go to dinner because, as Meghan reminds them, they have to take care of themselves, too. Meghan assuages any guilt Kelly might feel over the guilt-trip Lydia just laid on her for not immediately going to the hospital by admonishing her that she needs to eat. Meghan’s priorities are in the right place. So are Shannon’s, as her first question upon sitting down to the dinner table is what kind of vodka is available. As much as Tamra makes snide comments about Shannon’s drinking, she is making the right choice for her weight loss journey by opting for vodka over wine or beer. Everyone knows vodka has no carbs, which is why it goes so well with Adderall.

Peggy calls Diko for advice on whether to go to the hospital to be with Vicki. Diko tells her to go, because that’s what she told him to tell her a couple of minutes ago when she called him before the cameras were there.

It’s funny how Vicki felt the need to cover her face with a robe when she was leaving her hotel, which is situated exactly in the middle of nowhere, but doesn’t as she being wheeled into a hospital in the middle of somewhere. Maybe, just maybe, a paparazzi or two will be hanging out by the ER.

Back at dinner, Shannon places a special food order, as I’m sure she does every time she goes out to eat. High maintenance, thy name is Shannon. A debate ensues about who is going to visit Vicki and when they should do it. Kelly insists they all take shifts while Meghan flatly declares that she’s not going. The ghost of last year’s dune buggy accident hospital-gate arises at her statement, but before it can be fully resurrected, a sulky and self-righteous Peggy approaches the table. She is going to the hospital RIGHT NOW because that is what she told Diko to tell her to do. Kelly wants to go, too, and is annoyed that Peggy won’t wait until she finishes her dinner. I want Peggy to keep digging at Kelly because I am desperate to see an old-school Kelly Dodd-style takedown of this self-important twit.

Upon learning that Vicki will be returning to the hotel once Peggy gets to the hospital, Meghan hilariously orders a casserole for her. Remember how Vicki snuffled her way through one of the reunions, justifying her odious behavior by saying she was just trying to get someone to show their concern over her fabricated predicament by gifting her with a casserole.

Everyone goes to Shannon’s room for cocktails–even recent heart patient Vicki–where she and Tamra have the long-awaited tete-a-tete. Tamra once again tries to impress upon Vicki how hurtful it was for her to spread the rumor about Eddie being gay. Vicki thinks she did nothing wrong, because, after all, Tamra was spreading rumors about Brooks. This is a typical Vicki rationalization. Tamra wasn’t spreading “rumors” about Brooks. She told Vicki and everyone else that she thought he was a bad guy because he WAS a bad guy. She was trying to be a good friend to Vicki by warning her not to be taken in by him. Vicki STILL sees that as some sort of betrayal, even though Tamra turned out to be right, and spread the Eddie rumor in retaliation. Vicki’s position is indefensible, and the only person who sees it is Shannon, who is on the verge of apoplexy during Tamra and Vicki’s conversation, repeatedly sputtering that Vicki is a “fucking liar.” Which she is.

Vicki has the audacity to be upset because she feels Tamra chose Eddie over her. Um, Eddie is Tamra’s HUSBAND. This attitude is symptomatic of Vicki’s pathological need to be the center of the universe. Her delusion is on display when she tells Shannon that she doesn’t have a vindictive bone in her body. Please. Every bone in Vicki’s body is comprised of a mixture of vindictiveness, desperation and tears. Even Briana recognizes that Vicki has no compunction about hitting someone below the belt when she feels wronged by that person, and isn’t above making something up to achieve it. That, my friends, is the definition of vindictive.

[Ugh–Bethenny Frankel is on WWHL. When will Andy learn that no one–but NO ONE–finds her amusing, charming or entertaining?]

The next morning, everyone is hungover. Kelly has had it with Peggy’s constant shushing and lecturing, and wonders why she can’t understand anything Kelly says. Just like Kelly’s daughter Jolie, Peggy is constantly asking her to explain what she means. Thank goodness someone in this cast is picking up on this shtick and calling Peggy out for it.

Lydia explains, via a hand puppet show, that Shannon is the reason for Tamra and Vicki’s continued rift. Lydia needs to STFU as much as Peggy does. Shannon–tightly wired as she may be–is the only one who sees Vicki for what she is and refuses to indulge her. She deserves respect for not caving in to Vicki’s machinations and histrionics. So again, STFU Lydia. Shannon is not being ridiculous–you are.

Peggy pouts in her room and refuses to respond when the women knock on her door. Materialistic Peggy must really be down in the dumps if she’s skipping a shopping trip! Why would they want Peggy to accompany them anyway? She has no sense of humor, doesn’t understand their language, and when she’s not being a wet blanket, is downright rude. Peggy sucks.

NEXT WEEK: The ugly Americans continue to drink and fight their way through Iceland. I feel like this has been the description of the upcoming episode for three weeks in a row.

I missed last week because of my grueling work schedule, but nothing much happened anyway. Luis and David arrived in America, some major red flags were raised by Andrei’s control issues, and we met a new couple–Josh and human Kewpie Doll Aika.

This week began with a major seismic shift as Nicole actually displayed some wisdom regarding Azan’s treatment of her. She doesn’t want him to treat her badly in front of May because she is concerned that May will grow up thinking it’s okay for a man to treat her just as shabbily and dismissively as Azan treats her mother. She probably read this insightful tidbit on a greeting card or in one of the “Chicken Soup for the Soul” shlock-fests, but I give her credit for giving some thought to her daughter’s long-term emotional health. Only a little, though, because Nicole also wonders if Azan is parent material–something she probably should have ascertained before she encouraged May to call him Daddy.

Luis and Molly’s younger daughter are chattering away in the car on the way home from the airport as Olivia maintains a steady teenage sulk. The younger daughter–Kensley?–asks Luis if he likes their house as they pull into the driveway. Considering that Luis’ house in the Dominican Republic didn’t have running water, I think it’s safe to say it meets his standards.

Elizabeth meets with an immigration attorney before she leaves for Dublin to visit Andrei. They applied for their K-1 Visa seven months ago and she wants to know why they are still waiting to find out if it’s been approved. The holdup could be that Andrei has been arrested at some point and failed to disclose it to on the visa application, or it could be that he overstayed a previous tourist visa by six months. Whatever it is, it’s clear that Andrei has some kind of skeleton in his closet, the revelation of which hopefully TLC won’t drag out for several episodes. After her meeting with the gloom-and-doom attorney, Elizabeth thinks she and Andrei might have to come up with a Plan B.

Evelyn is driving David around her podunk town, and is miffed that David is not excited about settling there permanently. Her fanatic’s smile falters for a moment when he tells her that he prefers living in cities, but quickly returns as she glosses over his feelings, naively convinced that he will adjust and learn to love it. After all, what city could compete with Claremont, with its one breakfast restaurant, Evelyn’s family band and the accommodations offered by “Pastor Tim?”

Evelyn’s cult is throwing David a party to welcome him to America, but Evelyn is concerned that her friend Michaela–the only voice of reason in her life–will be standoffish. After all, she had the nerve to ask Evelyn if David just wants a green card. David scoffs at this notion. “She knows I’m coming from Spain, right?” Bingo, David. He’s not after the American dream, because he was living the Spanish dream in Granada. Evelyn reveals her ignorance by telling him there’s no such thing as a European Dream and David corrects her, saying that there is, and it’s called quality of life. I love David. What is he doing with this fluffy Christian quisling?

I thought David and Evelyn were going to be boring, but as Evelyn’s selfish, childish and arrogant true colors are coming out, I realize I was wrong. David is concerned that Evelyn is demanding that his friends–who are traveling thousands of miles and spending thousands of dollars to be at their wedding–shell out $100 to rent their own tuxes. David rightly thinks it’s rude to require them to do so and that she shouldn’t be so rigid. Like the spoiled child she is, Evelyn is outraged that David’s friends think they can dictate the details of HER wedding. She finds it frustrating that since she is face-to-face with David, she can’t just hang up on him when he displeases her, as has been her modus operandi thus far. Welcome to adulthood, little girl.

Clearly Evelyn, throughout her sheltered life, has been led to believe she can do no wrong and when she doesn’t get her way she becomes an entitled bitch. When David points out that weddings in Spain are more laid back, Evelyn cuts him off by sniping that they’re getting married in America. David reminds her that she’s marrying a foreigner and might want to give a little consideration to his culture. I like how David stands up to Evelyn, and at this point he should probably realize this pouty Bridezilla has some major growing up to do and postpone the wedding. But he won’t. They never do.

Speaking of men who make bad decisions, David and Annie are traveling to Annie’s village to speak with her parents about the dowry. The villagers put on a show to welcome the foreigner and grease him up for the dowry conversation. Annie’s parents request 500,000 baht, but for some reason settle for the 50,000 baht David is offering plus two water buffalo. Have we stepped into the 18th century? David sports the familiar hangdog look that settles on his face every time he finds out how much it’s going to cost him to purchase Annie. First it was 50,000 baht, then it was 11 baht of gold, and now it’s two water buffalo. Where does it end? David is in way over his head. Clearly this is a financial transaction that David doesn’t have the finances for, so why is Annie still hanging in there? And why would her parents sell their daughter to a broke, middle-aged shlump when there can’t be a shortage of American men with low self-esteem who can actually afford an Asian trophy wife?

Nicole and Azan are discussing parenting techniques over dinner. Nicole tells Azan that if he doesn’t like the way she does something, rather than just tell her not to do it, he needs to discuss it with her. She lords her status as May’s mother over him, but Azan feels that if she wants to thrust him into the role of father, she needs to respect his opinion when it comes to raising May. His point is brilliantly illustrated when the waiter sets a plate of french fries on the table and May goes into paroxysms of delight. (French fries in Morocco?) Azan thinks May should eat healthier foods, but Nicole defends what is surely a steady diet of chicken nuggets and fries because frozen food is just fine. Well, sort of. Frozen broccoli is just fine. Frozen fish and chicken are just fine. Frozen pizzas and fish sticks are probably not.

Azan is used to home-cooked meals, as is the Moroccan way, but Nicole insists that she can’t cook for May every night because, unlike Azan’s female family members, she is not a stay-at-home mom. Azan reminds her that his sister works and points out, as he is wont to do, that Nicole is just lazy. This brings him to her promise that she would make some lifestyle changes by going to the gym and eating healthier foods, which is just a roundabout way of saying that she promised she would lose weight and she didn’t. Nicole didn’t lose weight for the same reason she stuffs her daughter full of junk–Nicole is just lazy.

David and Annie are at a water buffalo farm. David is dismayed to find out that it will cost 75,000 baht to buy the big water buffalo her family covets–he was thinking more like 35,000. Once again, he gulps at the mounting costs of this romantic escapade, and settles for two small water buffaloes. Annie is a suspiciously good sport about David’s inability to meet the expectations for her dowry. Is this all a game to fleece a desperate foreigner? Why else would she and her family settle for 1/10th of the desired cash, a couple baht of gold rather than the customary 11, and two small water buffaloes that may not be up to the heavy work on Annie’s parents’ farm? Hmmm.

After all these concessions Annie may not even make it to America, since David used their airfare money to buy the water buffaloes. What happened to David’s generous friend who was introduced in the first episode? Ten to one he’ll be back next week so David can hit him up for more cash.