​stitched into the fabric of lifesome of us towards the centerwhile others are at the peripherydoes placement even matter

intricate patterns wovenfrom colorful threadswith large swaths ofdull gray in between​i am cold without this quiltwithout all beingsbelieving they belongregardless of perception

Stitched into the fabric of life, I believe I am at the center when a lecture, talk, or class goes well. When I’m healthy and can breathe, talk, sing for long periods of time. When I can do all the poses in yoga class. When my hair is newly cut and colored. When I’m dressed a certain way. When I have the perfect answer for patients and friends struggling. When my daughter is open to affection and animated in conversation. When my partner understands and applauds my spiritual practice and professional life. When I feel closely connected to Mummy and less irritated. When I write a meaningful poem and blog post. And so much more.

Anything short of this is failure, unpleasant, unacceptable, a problem that triggers banishment from the center to the periphery. Does placement even matter?

Sometimes I see myself in intricate patterns woven from colorful threads. Sometimes I’m surrounded by large swaths of dull gray, an island far away from any vibrancy. Comparing mind also stiches others into fixed positions on this quilt.

As hard as these last few weeks have felt with unwelcome physical symptoms, fear of permanence is worse. A self who will not channel talks with any compassionate healing or creativity. A self who will not survive and enjoy a women’s retreat on the ecstasy of sound and silence. A self who will not sing and sound a certain way again. A self who will not enjoy and embody yoga. I feel a gentle warmth blanketing body and breath with mettā (lovingkindness), karuṇā (compassion), khanti (patience), paññā (wisdom), and saddhā (faith).

i am cold without this quilt, without all beings believing they belong regardless of perception.

Then standing, feeling the exchangeOf energy between this bodyAnd its surroundingsInvisibly connected to all lifeThe possibility of universal benevolenceAlways a choice despite chaotic patternsThe last week and a half were challenging. From viral gastroenteritis to a cough and cold, from asthma like symptoms to worsening muscle strains, from irritation, impatience, disappointment, and exhaustion, it felt like illness was taking up permanent residence in the body. There was so much self-identification with dis-ease states and the mental formations they invoked. There was also a frantic rush to swat the emergence of each new symptom with a medication as if it were an annoying fly that would never go away. Killing it was the only choice.

​Or was it?

As I start to regain some mental clarity and physical strength, it feels important to reflect on what created more suffering, and what eased the suffering. (The word choice of suffering is very personal. If it rubs you the wrong way because you may have a heavier, incurable illness or stress that feels more significant than what I am sharing, feel free to substitute suffering with another word.) Identifying with any symptom, dis-ease or mind state was painful. Trying to overcome it with wholesome mind states like kindness, compassion, even joy was also deceptive, because I wasn’t allowing true feelings like irritation, impatience, and disappointment to throw big tantrums. I wasn’t allowing the fear to be felt, the dark cloud of doubt to be seen and known. The choice to reach for certain medications for relief was wholesome, but there was a subtle aggression against the body for misbehaving and falling apart. The belief in permanence of it all was so strong, that the urge to control the situation felt paramount.

When I chose to feel the cough and compromised breathing with gentle compassion, surrendered to supine meditation posture and gravity, released a known timeline for healing, and reached out to others for loving, healing energy, something changed. There was less identification with an invincible or dysfunctional, in control or chaotic, mindful or mindless, compassionate or critical being. Most days there was a certain percentage of each one.

We live as if everything is black and white, a dualistic mentality that does not allow for shades of gray or degrees of uncertainty. We are healthy or sick, balanced or crazy, paying attention or clueless, kind or vengeful. Is it possible most of us might just live in between the two extremes, always trying to build a reliable house on one side so as not to fall into the abyss between two cliffs of ego?

The need to know, to have things planned and figured out is strong in me. It’s a survival mechanism based on causes and conditions. Now there is recognition, compassion, forgiveness, wisdom to cushion each fall into the abyss of becoming.

The karma of now always offers two choices, suffering and the end of suffering. Robert Frost wrote that two roads diverged in a yellow wood. If you are anything like me, you might see trails in the wood well-trodden in the past from deeply ingrained patterns. There aren’t just two roads, but many paths.​Through meditation, Qigong, wise friends, writing, or whatever your support systems might be, may you feel connected to all life, the possibility of universal benevolence always a choice despite chaotic patterns.

What is this in between placewhere the darkness has not yet dissipated,and the light is still far away-unpleasant thoughts, feelings, sensationsclouding the moment and passageto freedom on the other side?Give me a pass, a spiritual bypassto get the hell out of here quickly.It’s not safe; there is nothing to see.

What if I stayed awhile, rippedup the plane ticket and just noticedthe bags half packed, the warm clothesof compassion, patience and truststill hanging in the closet,the gentle invitation to be with what’s hereone minute, one hour, one day at a time?Could I be carried slowly by an invisiblebenevolence to the other side?

The dawn is breaking, a light shining through.Is it truly morning, a heart awakening,reaching the other side?Does it really matter?Deep bows to the in between placefor supporting this inquiry, this journeythat’s not as linear as I once thought,but a meditative spiraling into the unknownfor purification over perfection,for freedom instead of false promises,for something that can’t be seenbut is deeply felt till it’s readyfor the sacred unveiling.

You are safe now. There is nothing to fear. No one to blame. You know what is coming. There are no surprises. Sickness, aging, death. Compassion, beauty, joy.

It’s so easy to get caught up in the story line. Who are the characters? Where does it happen? How and why? Do the details matter that much?

What do you want to remember most? Is it worth the energy to even hold on to these words? Can you let them go, trusting they will return to you in some form: a conversation, a feeling, an image you can’t explain right now but intuitively sense has great meaning?

I have never hidden any part of this Great Mystery from you. You see what you need to see, hear what you need to hear. You aren’t missing out on anything. You are who you are, where you are because it’s where you need to be. There are no accidents.

Trust me on this one. Have I ever disappointed you? Lean into the moment. What would it mean to surrender to the waves?

Would you drown?

Or could you float?

*****

I see you, Mara as doubtin her dreams, as dukkhaduring the day. She doesn’t need to stay small, sad, scared. She is free, for now. When enough nows add up to eternity, she will be free forever.

Doubt appeared at work, home, and in the to do list when I was speeding to get things done and forgot mindful embodiment.

Doubt emerged when I was feeling inadequate in all my roles, when I projected these shortcomings onto my daughter and demanded more of her.

Doubt turned up with the holidays arriving as I was thinking of family, the distance between the way things should be and the way they really are.

Doubt can feel like a thick fog as the mind fires questions like shots in rapid succession, desperately searching for target answers. The mind hates uncertainty. It needs to know, now!

I sat with doubt in meditation, noticing thoughts, feeling the feelings, breathing, sensing the internal wind’s urgency to know. Feeling the zafu, yoga mat, and ground beneath me, the presence of enlightened ancestors surrounding me, this is what I heard:

I see you, Maraand no longer have to believeyour thoughts that keep mescared, small, stuck in a stoneprison where I cannot seethe Buddha touch the earth,cannot hear him whisperEhipassiko, ehipassiko.

Doubt, I see you. I don’t have to answer all your questions. I can answer some questions when I feel embodied, able, ready. The other questions may not need answers, but loving awareness and wise acceptance.

​Notes:

Mara- The demon who tempted the Buddha prior to his enlightenment. Doubt was Mara's final attempt to discourage the Buddha from believing his True Nature.

​Ehipassiko- Pali term for 'come and see for yourself'.

​Sakyamuni- Another name for the Buddha, born in Sakya, from the Sakya tribe.

​Prajnaparamita- The 'perfection of wisdom', the mother of all buddhas, the nature of reality.

I asked Mother Earth what dedication to Dharma practice might mean for me when change is inevitable. This is what she said:

Lazy summer days have ended.The nights and mornings grow cold.Like mood rings, leaves are changingcolors on fingered branches waving before the final farewell.Dry leaves and dirt echo each footfall,footfalls of ancestors and generations to come.What you hold can shatter and cut like glass if grasped too tightly,can tickle and tease like feathers floatingaway before the distracted self can notice.Soon rains will fall, winds will howlannouncing your place in the season.Will you yearn for the summer sun or gather around the heart’s hearth,warmed by stories of resilience, sustenance,​and how to survive the long winter.

I’m committed to paying attention and offering what’s needed, not because I have to, but because I want to. The difference between 'have to' and 'want to' is the difference in perception between a finite or infinite supply of joy. What am I guarding? What do I have enough of?

At 44, roughly half of this landscape life had already been cultivated. Which seeds need to be nurtured? Which weeds need to be pulled and discarded as compost for new growth?

I’m content without having answers. With ardency, I only need to know what's needed now.

Like sculptures, our bodies are molded around the hourglass of time. We’re stuck in our ceramic selves, eyes fixated on grains of sand falling, and wonder why we can’t move, can’t get to where we want to be.

When we yearn for the summer sun, may we gather around the heart’s hearth, warmed by stories of resilience, sustenance, and how to survive the long winter.

​It’s our first full day in Paris. I’m feeling joy after viewing Monet’s Le Bassin Aux Nymphéas at Musee d'Orsay​, marveling at how water lilies must have inspired him the way they inspire me. I’m also feeling gratitude after lighting a candle, chanting metta for all beings everywhere, and appreciating the diverse currency inside a glass box at Notre-Dame.

It’s not until we are walking to our hotel room, bellies content with Häagen-Dazs, that my husband stops abruptly.

“Hey, do you know what this charge is on our credit card?”

I open my purse and quickly realize my wallet is missing. Flower! (My substitution for the F word.) I must have left it at the Orsay gift shop after buying some post cards.

We rush to our hotel room and start to call the credit card companies. While my husband and daughter comment on the unfortunate turn of events, I’m doing my best not to add extra arrows of self-judgment.

As we make our way back to Notre-Dame, I listen to my husband tell our daughter that the probability of recovering anything inside the wallet is less than 5%. Call me a naïve optimist, but I still try to communicate with the one who found the wallet in a language beyond English and French. I try to appeal to his/her heart.

May you be happy.May life support you in mysterious ways.May you feel safe.May you know peace.(May I forgive you.)​

OK, so the metta is not entirely altruistic.I’m hoping to get some part of the wallet back, to be compensated for the good intentions I practiced at Notre-Dame. Earlier, I opened my wallet to take out a dollar bill and dropped in in the glass box to join the prayers for peace by others who have been here before. Maybe I left my purse open long enough for a pickpocket to grab the wallet, or left it on the glass counter as I took out my phone to take a picture.

I check the information desk at the entrance inside Notre-Dame. The lady behind the counter shows me three black wallets, none of which are mine. I also revisit the donation box. Still, no black wallet. Feeling tired and defeated, I rejoin my family to figure out dinner plans. We decide to try a falafel place my cousin suggested. It’s about a twenty-minute walk from here.

Once we sit down with our falafel wraps, I feel like there is still something missing. I practiced self-compassion and forgiveness for the one who found the wallet. What about the others who lost their wallets? The woman at Notre-Dame showed me three other black wallets. I’m not alone. Others experienced this, too. I take the opportunity to widen the circle of compassion.

May other travelers who lose something major feel safe.May they find solace and support.May compassion be an antidote to self-judgment.May they know peace.​I take my first bite into crispy falafel balls dressed in tangy tahini sauce, cabbage, cucumber, and eggplant tucked inside a pita bread. Yum! Dear Universe, thank you for the blessing of these experiences. I lost my driver’s license and major credit cards. I lost an identity, worldly wealth, and gained the currency of compassion.

This flurry of snow thoughtsinside my mind-globe is continuousno room for sunlight, warmth, peace.I’m stuck inside a pattern I can’t controlunless I see the woman trapped insideand the one holding the globe--the choice to shake it up againor cradle the scene in her hands,till all the cold flakes have settledand quiet serenity abounds.This poem was written before November 8, 2016, before Donald Trump’s acceptance speech after winning the 2016 Presidential election. It still gives me some a sense of peace and hope. Though there is so much uncertainty filling our collective hearts, and we are experiencing a whole range of emotions from anger, fear, disappointment, hurt, and doubt, we don’t have to stay stuck inside a pattern we can’t control.

At my Mom’s yoga group, we sat in a circle sharing our reactions. It felt like our cozy lives were being shaken again and again, so much that I was quivering from a flurry of snow thoughts and a contracted belly of fear. I felt a little bit of warmth and grounding as we sang “This Land is Your Land” to all the illegal immigrants, LGTBQ community, Muslims, Jewish people, women, children, and men everywhere without exception.

Through the power of song, words, and prayer, I don’t have to be a woman trapped inside this mind-globe of post-election confusion. I can also be the one holding the globe, cradling the scene in her hands till quiet serenity abounds. This quiet serenity cannot come from hate or division, but only from acts of kindness and compassion seeking to unite gender, racial, ethnic, sexual, and class diversities.

I still don’t know exactly how the recent Bodhisattva vow I took to be mindful of wise speech each day will help to heal the hurt in every heart I meet. Do I need to do more, say more, be more?​Driving to work Wednesday morning, I found myself sending metta to both Donald Trump and Hilary Clinton, to all beings everywhere who want to be happy, well, safe, and loved exactly as they are. Friday morning as I was driving to work, I heard the following metta prayer waiting to be spoken for myself and all beings everywhere:

May we make space for all that is moving through us.May we be kind.In the words of Diane Ackerman from her poem “School Prayer”:

I will honor all life—wherever and in whatever formit may dwell—on Earth my home,and in the mansions of the stars.Billions of beings, one Earth, one home. May we all be kind.

All these discrepancies in life,jagged rocks in my way when I'd rather walk a clear path.May I trust this moment to teach me,to thaw this frozen self,completely melting into a riverflowing over and throughthe unwanted parts of you and metill there is nothing leftbut a natural scene of beauty--river embracing rocks over centuriesand sometimes dissolving them.The car that cuts you off. The dead-end relationship when you’re too tired to look for a detour. The prediction of rain when you crave a dry and sunny day. The body screaming for attention when you just don’t have the time to listen.

All these discrepancies in life are like jagged rocks in your way when you’d rather walk a clear path. The usual tendency is to avoid the problem or try and manipulate it like playdough. How much of your time is spent trying to bulldoze through those jagged rocks, cover them up, or search for an easier path? How much energy does this consume? Might this energy be conserved or used in healthier ways?

When I meet a patient with a chief complaint of fatigue, we discuss his/her sugar intake, sleep pattern, activity level, caffeine, alcohol, and substance use, life stresses, and possible underlying medical conditions, medications that might contribute to the fatigue. What I am discovering in their stories and my own in enlightening. So much of our energy, our wellbeing is depleted when we are fighting life rather than flowing with it. Our poor bodies are stressed and strained by all the bulldozing, covering up, and frantic searching.

Sogyal Rinpoche writes, “If everything dies and changes, then what is really true? Is there something behind the appearances, something boundless and infinitely spacious, something in which the dance of change and impermanence takes place? Is there something in fact we can depend on, that does survive what we call death?”

So many of our fears stem from a mistrust in the path directly ahead of us, especially if we are anticipating discomfort from difficulty. What if we can engage in practices that prepare our hearts for anything? This doesn’t mean we should like what is happening, or that we shouldn’t take the necessary steps to protect ourselves and create healthy boundaries when needed. It does mean we can learn to trust this moment to teach us, to thaw this frozen self, completely melting into a river flowing over and through the unwanted parts of ourselves and others. It does mean that we can try and release stories of a small, separate, and fearful self into the lap of Loving Presence.

As you read this, you might be wondering, “These concepts sound wonderful and liberating, but where do I begin?” I began this journey ten years ago by walking into Insight Meditation Center in Redwood City, CA for a beginner’s class on mindfulness meditation. Since then, it has been one incredible journey allowing my prayers to be “the bridge between longing and belonging.” (John O’Donohue) ​Wherever you choose to begin, please offer up your prayers on wings of fireflies into the darkness of uncertainty, trusting that the Universe will answer with luminous love. May all these discrepancies in life, jagged rocks in your way become the way. May you flow like a river embracing these rocks over centuries, and sometimes dissolve them in the lap of your own Loving Presence.​

It’s interesting to notice all the times when your mind leaves the present for the future, even though the boat has never left the harbor. Constantly anticipating large swells of waves, whether your boat is adequately equipped with emergency gear in case it capsizes, whether your lifejacket and wet suit are on or nearby, just in case.

Sound familiar? How much of your fatigue is caused by a true medical condition, acclimation to daylight savings or jetlag, excessive caffeine late in the day, too many carbs in the diet, or not enough exercise? Does the stress of anxious thoughts play a role in your fatigue?

There’s a deep wisdom in knowing what constitutes your wet suit and life jacket when the waves rock your boat (even if the waves are factitious). A stress or spiritual toolkit can be a life saver. The following are some ideas of what you can put in your toolkit:

-lots of laughter and smiles throughout your day-some form of creative expression-healthy nutrition-pleasurable exercise, stretching-mindful breathing-time outdoors-time spent with supportive people or animals you love-soothing touch-spiritual practices (prayer, yoga, meditation)

You can modify this toolkit in any way you like, adding things that are helpful, subtracting what isn’t useful.

What do you do when the waves are particularly large and unforgiving, when the waves leave you dizzy and disoriented, when your boat is far off course from True North? You’ve already checked your toolkit, but finding the right antidote to your distress only adds to the confusion.

In these moments, I find it’s best to keep the practice simple. Where is it easiest to locate my breath in my body? Am I exhaling fully to breathe into the here and now? Is my breath kind? Is it delivering messages of understanding and trust to all my stuck places, or adding more tension with judgements?

If these questions sound complex, you can distill the questions down to one question. Where are my mind and heart right now? Your thoughts might be in past regret or rumination, future worry or planning, or daydreaming. Trusting in the safe harbor of the present moment where life is most vibrant can be just the buoy you need in any given storm. Knowing if your heart is open or closed can also give you clues to what might energize or deplete you.

When all is said and done, I know that mindfulness is my lifejacket. It helps me float above waves of aversive thoughts and aligns me with the present moment. Metta is my wetsuit, keeping me warm against the bone-chilling criticism of how things should be, how others and I should be. Together mindfulness and metta are exactly what I need to travel in the direction of fearlessness, to orient my mindheart to True North.​What helps you travel in the direction of fearlessness, to orient your mindheart to True North? May this post inspire you to ask the question, and listen patiently for the answer.