Though most people generally accept the existence of Abraham Lincolns as fact, there has been very little scientific proof (beyond photographs, eyewitness accounts, etc.) to confirm it. Until now. This newly uncovered film footage of a Lincoln in its natural habitat provides perhaps the most compelling evidence of their existence to date. If you see one of these in the woods, don’t shoot it. Yes, I’m looking at you, Mr. Booth.

Yesterday I took this photo of the solar eclipse from the muddy, needle-strewn parking lot of the International Cryptozoology Museum, but it wasn’t until later, amid much dubious wood-knocking from celebrity scat monger Loren “Fakey Footprint” Coleman, that I noticed a startling figure in the foreground. Is it a hairy little man? Is it a hobo looking for a kind hearted lady to feed him a hot meal? Or is it the legendary Corn Ape? You decide!

Do you believe in true love? Do you believe there are living woolly mammoths in Siberia? As if for Valentine’s Day, this spectacular footage of a woolly mammoth crossing a river hath created a new spark of wonder in my black heart. I have always and forever remained hopeful that a few of these guys were still hanging around. I gave up on the glyptodon and megatherium, but never on my number one mammal, the woolly mammoth. Or maybe it’s a just bear with a fish in his mouth, and love is fake and woolly mammoths never existed. Happy Valentine’s Day, fake woolly mammoth. I don’t know what to get you.

A large, sad monkey (hereinafter the Yeti) has been arrested by Russian authorities on charges of impersonating a bear, dragging livestock and producing incomprehensible sounds. He looks sad and they should just let him go.

Amid recent speculation that Nessie was finally dead, monster lovers can breathe a sigh of relief. Landscape designer Richard Preston has produced the latest conclusive evidence of a living prehistoric monster in Scotland. Whew.

Check him out. That’s Horseboy over there. He was recently spotted loitering on an otherwise unremarkable street in Aberdeen, Scotland. He’s the latest bit of weirdness to turn up on Google Street Views. (My personal fave? Angry Norwegian Scuba Divers!) London’s Daily Mail was the first to report on the mysterious equine-man’s existence. Who is he? What is he? Is he pals with Bat Boy? The world may never know.

Coleman and Radford are actually on friendly terms; Ben spoke highly of him at our company Christmas party a couple years ago. Nevertheless, Loren bashed Ben for taking a hike a few months ago. Oh, well. I took a poke at Coleman once with hilarious results.