Posted!

Join the Conversation

Comments

Welcome to our new and improved comments, which are for subscribers only.
This is a test to see whether we can improve the experience for you.
You do not need a Facebook profile to participate.

You will need to register before adding a comment.
Typed comments will be lost if you are not logged in.

Please be polite.
It's OK to disagree with someone's ideas, but personal attacks, insults, threats, hate speech, advocating violence and other violations can result in a ban.
If you see comments in violation of our community guidelines, please report them.

How to move on from a relationship

Published 6:49 p.m. ET Feb. 1, 2016

Buy Photo

The end of a relationship is never easy but it can be an exciting time to learn and grow.(Photo: RENATA PARKER/Contributor)Buy Photo

I’m not sure exactly when things went wrong with P.C., but a breakup was inevitable.

His charm that had first captured my heart no longer held my attention. His whistling became annoying and his jokes were no longer funny. With time, maybe things could change. After all, it was only the first grade and we were both only 6.

But the breakup was clear. It was time to move on.

Since the first grade, I’ve had my share of breakups. I’ve been dumped and I have dumped. It hurts, and moving on is never easy.

While the end of a relationship is a vulnerable time for both parties, it’s also an ideal time to understand who you are and determine the kind of person you want to spend your time with. Luckily, there’s help for that. Greenville-based master relationship coach, author and dating columnist Tonja Evetts Weimer is a nationally acclaimed expert in building healthy relationships.

“The first important issue is how you hold the breakup,” Weimer says. “You can let it contribute to a sense of self defeat, even sinking into despair, or you can choose to frame it as a moment to grow. You may be breaking up the picture you had of yourself as a couple. You may sometimes feel like you are breaking down inside, but the bigger truth is, you are breaking out of an outdated mold that doesn’t fit you anymore. It may feel painful at first, but ultimately, it’s liberating. Be excited for your future. Take time to reflect on the lessons you’ve learned from this relationship. You’ve earned your clarity and wisdom. You deserve and you CAN have a relationship of love, kindness, and support.”

After a number of unsuccessful relationships — 4,369 to be exact — Mike Cohen, a chiropractor in Fort Lauderdale, Florida, decided it was time for professional guidance to help him find “the one.”

“I have a coach for everything that’s important to me, like working out and playing golf,” Cohen says. “But I didn’t have a coach for what was most important — finding the right person to spend the rest of my life with.”

Cohen enlisted the help of Weimer to identify what was important and define his relationship deal breakers.

“I kept settling for things that weren’t workable,” Cohen says. “I was going from relationship to relationship looking for all of the ingredients I thought I wanted in one person.”

And then he had date 4,370. It was Cohen’s last first date.

“The bottom line is you have to believe in yourself,” says Cohen, who is now engaged. “Believe that finding the right one is possible.”

Not too long ago while attending a local event, I found myself sitting not far behind P.C. and his new bride. He looked happy. She was loud and proud and shared his passions for rabbit hunting, word games and lots of fast food. He had moved on. I was grateful it was without me.

Take stock of yourself. Use this emotional time to galvanize yourself Where do you want to go from here? What are you willing to do to get there? What are your strongest assets? How can you put them to the best use for you?

Redefine your purpose. What one step can you take today that will take you closer to it? Having a purpose makes you magnetic. Start with this: What have you always wanted to do? What held you back? What steps can you take to remove the obstacles in your way? When will you start?

Engage in activities and projects you love. Breakups are perfect spaces in time; unique moments to be used as a catalyst to do some things you always wanted to do but perhaps had been putting off. If you were in a rocky relationship, it probably ate up a lot of your energy. You might not have had the enthusiasm to try new activities, or re-engage in some of your favorite old ones. Doing activities or projects you love builds your energy and your confidence. Those qualities make you very attractive.

For additional guidance, Weimer offers one-on-one relationship coaching and says her book, “Thriving After Divorce: Transforming Your Life When A Relationship Ends,” is a helpful resource after any breakup — not just a divorce. For more information, visit www.tonjaweimer.com.