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Welcome to Watch List, where we identify five things on TV to watch while you stay at home and celebrate CINCO DE MAYO! Awwww yeah! The greatest holiday of all! You don’t know what it even commemorates, all you know is you get to consume all the Tecate and fresh tamales you want! WOOHOO! VAMANOS!

AMERICAN IDOL – 9:00PM (FOX) Tonight you get Lady Gaga and whatever outfit Lady Gaga had stitched together from items found in a Lower East Side apartment building Dumpster. I actually like Lady Gaga. She can sing, her songs have good hooks, and she doesn’t give a crap if you think she’s a complete freak for walking around with 70 dead bats stitched together and draped over her body. No one in this final Idol grouping has that kind of fearlessness. They’re all just so… plain. Gaga will school them all. ANTICIPATION: NO PANTS!

MODERN FAMILY – 9:00PM (ABC) Tonight’s the big one. Yup, it’s the Hawaii episode. A bold gambit, given that the whole “family vacation” storyline has been a shark-jumping stable for decades now. But the “Modern Family” people were like, “You know what? We’re so good, we’ll do it and get away with it!” And if they show Sofia Vergara in a two-piece, then by golly, they will. They definitely will. ANTICIPATION: TWO PIECES!

BREAKOUT – 8:00PM (NatGeo – An NBC/Universal network) Tonight an armed robber escapes from jail by hiding in the back of a furniture truck. Now, is that not them most ingenious escape method of all time? Not only does he break out of jail, but he does so while sitting comfortably in a Barcalounger in the back of a truck. The only smarter move would be hiding in the back of the TV/Beer/Sleepnumber Bed truck, assuming such a thing exists. Which I hope it does. ANTICIPATION: COMFY CHAIR!

BIKER CHICKS: LEATHER AND LACE – 9:00PM (NatGeo – An NBC/Universal network) According to the guide, “Women who live in the world of bikers experience sexism and violence.” I’ll say! The sexism is right in the show’s title! Tonight, biker grand dame (which is a British title, I think) Jennifer Chaffin marries John “The Mongol” Ely. You got nothing to worry about when you got a husband named The Mongol. He’ll treat you right. ANTICIPATION: VROOM VROOM!

WEIRD OR WHAT? – 8:00PM (Discovery) This episode is called “Cocaine Mummies.” Whoa. What does that mean? Are they mummies preserved in pure cocaine? Did cocaine cause them to wrap bandages around themselves and walk around very slowly, making groaning sounds? I want to know. I want a cocaine mummy for my own. ANTICIPATION: COCAINE MUMMIES!