1. After fifteen years...it happened

Dear Diary…

It has been two months now since my last seizure. I can recall it so clearly, the night before I was out with my boyfriend and his friends to see Jurassic World. We all had a great time, it was an ordinary day everything was fine. For an odd reason that night I was restless, which is rare for me. In the morning I woke up earlier than usual trying to forget about sleep since I knew I could get some later. I talked to my brother and apparently his girlfriend…that’s where it gets all fuzzy. I recall talking about Jurassic World, but then there is darkness. I woke up, my brother and his girlfriend coming into view, they seemed worried. I thought I fell asleep.

“You had a seizure,” my brother said. What? I haven’t had one in fifteen years, I thought. I recall having zoned out periods during conversations and having to repeat the conversation again, but I thought nothing of it. Wasn’t I just tired or stressed from school or could it have been absence seizures? “I called your doctor,” my brother interrupted my thoughts. My neurologist, he had put me on medication because of my abnormal EEG, yes the results came back abnormal, but to have a grand mal seizure? Absence is one thing, but a grand mal?

“Hello Vanessa? You had a grand mal seizure?” I guess I did.

“Yes.” That was the only word I could manage to get out.

“Make sure to up the dosage of your medication to help prevent any more seizures.”

“Will do doc, thank you.” I hung up and looked at my brother. “So I had a seizure?” He nodded. “What happened.” Like I already didn’t know.

“You sat down on the sofa and started seizing and foaming at the mouth. We made sure you were safe and didn’t hit your head by putting you on your side. When you started becoming conscious we asked you a bunch of questions the only one you got right was your name.” I nodded and took it all in. The phone buzzed and it was my mom crying and apologizing for not being home. It wasn’t her fault how would she know? She should enjoy herself for once, she does so much.

The rest of the day is a little blurry I remember my dad getting me soup because I couldn’t eat from biting my tongue, it hurt so badly. That was the only proof that I had a seizure. It wasn’t scary for me, but it was for everyone else. All I have is the fear that it will happen again. Night after night I have a dream that I will have a seizure in school and everyone will see or I will have a seizure in my sleep and no one would know, not even me. I just want them to stop, I don’t want to have this fear, these dreams.

Now I have been steadily increasing my medications and have become a lab rat. Test after test, why did this happen? How can we prevent it? What kind of epilepsy does she have? MRI after MRI, blood test after blood test, EEG after EEG and a trip to the emergency room… more blood work and now an EKG. All the tests come back normal besides my EEG’s. Bursts in the synapses that last at least three seconds, an absence seizure, I shouldn’t be surprised.

Even with all this testing I can’t seem to live normally. I can’t take a normal course load in college I have to be a part time student, but math is the worst. I have absence seizures and miss pieces of the lessons. Not only that, but I have barley any feeling in my legs, even walking is a chore. Although I’m increasing the medication it doesn’t seem to help. I had a partial seizure, which was strange. I couldn’t move my body shut down, it was like an hour long absence seizure, I couldn’t move and couldn’t talk. I would have preferred the grand mal over this because at least I wouldn’t remember it, at least I wouldn’t be afraid. I hope they can figure this out.

At least I have you diary, I must hid the tears I shed as well as the countless breakdowns, at least I can write it all down. This is my outlet. I’ll figure it out one day, I’ll come back even stronger. For now I must deal with the pain, the forgetfulness, the fogginess and the constant fear that this will happen again.