[Frank is driving around the city at night with a laundry basket in the seat next to him]

Frank: My name is Sergeant Frank Drebin, Detective Lieutenant, Police Squad. There'd been a recent wave of gorgeous fashion models found naked and unconscious in laundromats on the West Side. Unfortunately, I was assigned to investigate holdups of neighborhood credit unions. I was across town doing my laundry when I got the call on the double killing. It took me twenty minutes to get there. My boss was already on the scene.

[Frank and Ed are interviewing a witness to a shooting]

Sally: Well, I first heard the shot, and as I turned, Jim fell.

Frank: Jim Fell's the teller?

Sally: No, Jim Johnson.

Frank: Who's Jim Fell?

Ed: He's the auditor, Frank.

Sally: He had the flu, so Jim... filled in.

Frank: Phil who?

Ed: Phil Din. He's the night watchman.

Sally: Oh, if only Phil had been here...

Frank: We're sorry to bother you at such a time like this, Mrs. Twice. We would have come earlier, but your husband wasn't dead then

[In the police crime lab, Olsen is showing Drebin a ballistics penetration test by shooting a a row of VHS tapes in boxes on a shelf]

Ted Olson: If the holdup man had been where Sally Decker said, the bullet should have penetrated deeper. Let me show you what we did. These guns are identical to the one that killed Jim Johnson. Watch carefully as I test-fire this gun into these videotapes of Barbara Walters' interviews. As you can see, it completely destroys the Burt Reynolds interview, and everything from Bo Derek to Paul Newman. But only up to the point where Barbara asks "Is it difficult to love?" Now, let me show you what happens when the gun is fired from 3', which is the distance Sally claims the shots were fired from. Notice? Complete destruction, right up to the point where she asks Katherine Hepburn what kind of tree she'd like to be.

Frank: Well, maybe we're just gonna have to get our own evidence first-hand.

Ed: I don't understand Frank.

Frank: Well, let's say a new merchant moves into the neighborhood, opens up a shop.

Ed: All right.

BOTH: A new merchant moves into the neighborhood and opens up a shop.

Frank: Then let's say: that merchant attracts a certain couple of thugs who demand payments.

Ed: All right.

BOTH: That merchant attracts a certain couple of thugs who demand payments.

Ed: That's a good plan, Frank.

Frank : [about a rock] Where did it come from?

Ted Olsen: That's very interesting, I have a theory about that. As you know Frank, billions of years ago, our Earth was a molten mass. But for some reason, not understood by scientists, the earth cooled, forming a crust, a hard igneous shell. That's what we scientists call "Rock".

Leo: We heard you had a bad accident. It's too bad you weren't protected.

Frank: The way I look at it, you owe me a hundred dollars for that window.

Rocky: Us? I don't know what you're talking about.

Frank: [shows the rock] So how do you explain this

Leo: Well, billions of years ago, the Earth was a molten mass...

Frank: It took me two weeks to find Stella's apartment...she had neglected to give me her address.

Norberg: That car was a classic, a '68. Do you suppose the widow would take $1,500 for it?

Frank: All right Eddie, let's go over it one more time. Where were you last night?

Eddie Casales: I told you a dozen times, I was at the movies.

Norberg: [after coming in] I got the sandwiches here.

Ed: All right Eddie, you went to the movies. Now what did you see?

Edddie Casales: I told you, I don't remember.

Norberg: Who had the egg salad?

Ed: [mimicking Eddie] I don't remember.

Norberg: Somebody ordered it.

Frank: You don't expect us to buy that.

Norberg: But I already paid for it.

Eddie Casales: Why don't you give a guy a break?

Norberg: Thanks a lot.

Eddie Casales : What's the charge?

Norberg: $4.58.

Ed: What are you trying to do, insult us?

Norberg: Okay, $3.50. Coffee's on me

Eddie Casales: I told you, I went to the movies, I fell asleep, I don't remember.

Frank: You don't expect us to swallow that.

Norberg: All right, I'll eat it! But I don't think it's fair that I should have to pay for it. [walks away]

Ed: All right Eddie, let's say you did go to the movies.

Eddie Casales: Okay.

ALL: You did go to the movies.

Frank: Then let's say you were nowhere near the Club Flamingo.

Eddie Casales: All right.

ALL: You were nowhere near the Club Flamingo.

Frank: Then, explain this to me. [shows him the matchbox]

Eddie Casales: Well, you take this little cardboard stick out with sulfur on the end, and you rub it on the edges, and it makes fire.

Frank: [narrating] When I got home I received a call from Mimi Du Jour, she wanted me to come to the club right away. Since I had no idea where the Club Rightaway was, I suggested to go to the Club Flamingo. She agreed.