DEATH, GRIEF AND GUILT

Two of the common emotions that any death brings about, are grief and guilt. Grief or sorrow is understandable, since someone who was there has passed away. But what we underestimate is the guilt factor.

Why do we grieve the loss of a person? Obviously because we loved that person, we had a particular relationship with that person, that person was important to us, we were attached to that person, that person was useful to us, that person was a part of our daily life, we knew that person for many years, we were dependent on that person for a whole lot of material and non-material things etc. The reasons why we grieve are many and vary from individual to individual, as also with the closeness of the relationship we shared with the dead person. Basically, the closer we were the more we grieve. Our attachment to the dead person determines the degree of our grief or sorrow. If someone close to us died, like our father, mother, brother or wife, we would be shattered and deeply sad for an extended period of time.

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However, if some distant acquaintance died, some distant relative died, or someone unknown to us died, we would just say “So sad” and get on with our lives, without bothering too much about it. The lesser our attachment or relationship to another person, lesser is the grief. If someone was totally alone in this world without attachment to any friends or close relationships like a sanyasi, such a person would probably never grieve, irrespective of who died. But since most of us are ordinary humans and are bonded to so many people around us, it is not possible for us to escape grief and sorrow, when some of these people whom we are attached to, die.

While grief is natural and is also therapeutic in relieving all the pent up emotions and stress associated with death, guilt is another emotion which is not so healthy, that frequently arises with death. All of us lead hectic self centered lives, and are always busy with our own interests, our jobs, our close family members, our hobbies and other pursuits. When someone is alive, although we know that all of us have to die one day or another, we tend to take others around us for granted. We know their time will come, but we think it will be in the distant future. We know that we should be spending more time with our close relations, but due to various pressures of work and other activities, we tend to overlook them or ignore them, or have a working relationship with them. When parents grow old, most children are in their youth and are struggling hard with their professions, their families and their children. And as a result they are not able to spend enough time with their parents. In their minds, they tell themselves that when they get free of their involvements, they will spend some time. But time is not our slave; in fact, we are the slaves of time. And when one or both parents pass away, the individual is wracked with severe guilt, when he or she realizes that the person is no more, will never ever come back and there is nothing that can be done about it. We rue and regret all the opportunities we missed, where we could have spent more time with the dead person, given him more gifts, listened to his or her complaints patiently, been sympathetic or empathetic, and made them feel more comfortable and happier.

Time robs us of many people before we have given them what we want to. If we feel that we have done enough for the dead person, there is no guilt. But, if in our minds we feel that our expectations or the expectations of the dead persons have not been met, guilt is sure to set in. And in many cases, with time the sorrow and grief diminishes, but the guilt keeps on increasing. “I wish I had done this” or “ I wish I had not spoken harshly” or “I wish I had gifted something for his birthday” or “I wish I had taken my father on a vacation” are some of the thoughts that harass us day in and day out.

How does one get over the grief or guilt? Grief is not unhealthy and it will slowly melt with time. Even if we want to hold on to the grief, it is not possible. As time passes, the intensity of the grief will automatically wane. The grief of death is like standing close to a furnace. One the first day, it is a hundred percent. By the second day, it has already become ninety nine percent and keeps reducing as the days pass. This is similar to someone who feels the heat close to the furnace. As he goes away from the furnace, he obviously cannot feel the same intensity of heat. When he is very far away, there is no heat at all. Grief is similar to this. If your grandmother to whom you were very attached died thirty years ago, can you feel the same grief which you felt on the day she died? It is not possible.

As far as guilt is concerned, it is not so easy, as time may not reduce one’s guilt. There are two ways to tackling guilt. One is to assume non-doer ship and say that whatever happened was destined to happen, it happened through me and I am not the doer. There could not have been any different situation because that is what existence had destined and designed. The second way to get rid of guilt is to realize that the person who is causing us guilt is no more; he has gone on to a different realm where there is no pain, anger or sadness. For the dead person, whatever happened on earth when he or she was alive is like what happens to us in a dream. If we were to insult someone of slap someone in our dream, would we carry the guilt when we woke up? Of course not. Similarly, for the dead person, this whole life was a dream from which he or she was woken up to a new reality. Hence what happened to him or her when they were here is similar to what happens in a dream. Today, to the dead person, all that occurred has no value or significance. And even if we cannot get rid of our guilt, it would do us well to know that when we die, whether we like it or not, our guilt and all other emotions will also compulsorily die with us.