OPENING CREDITS

Sarah : ... so that’s two boxes of the holiday macaroons. On behalf of
the Brownbirds of America, I salute you. (blows on bird whistle and gives a salute
with a flutter at the end of it)

Ross : Admit it Chandler, you have no backhand!

Chandler : Excuse me, little one, I have a very solid backhand.

Ross : Shielding your face and shrieking like a girl ... is not a backhand.

Chandler : I was shrieking .. like a Marine.

Ross : Alright (stops Chandler in his tracks on the stairway) here,
watch me execute the three "P"s of championship play. Power hah (swings at Chandler
with his racket from one side), precision shoo (swings at Chandler with his
racket from the other side), and pinache (delivers a backhand to SARAH who walks
into the stairwell at the wrong time, she screams, Ross and Chandler react in
horror)

[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler is at the little table, Monica, Phoebe and
Ross are on the couch, Rachel is on the arm of the couch, Joey is on the seat]

Monica : You broke a little girl’s leg?

Ross : I know, I feel horrible, okay?

Chandler : Says here that a muppet got whacked on Sesame Street last
night. Where exactly were you around ten-ish?

Phoebe : Have fun! (starts to sip coffee) Oh, wait, no don’t! I forgot,
I am totally against that now.

Joey : (pulling on his coat) What, me having a job?

Phoebe : No, no, I am against innocent trees being cut down in their
prime, and their, their corpses grotesquely dressed in, like, tinsel and twinkly
lights. Hey, how do you sleep at night?

Joey : Well, I’m pretty tired from lugging the trees around. (kneals
near the couch) Hey, Phoebe, listen, you got this all wrong. Those trees were
born to be Christmas trees. They’re fulfilling their life purpose by, by making
people happy!

Phoebe : Really? (looks to Chandler, who is prodded visually by Joey
to back him up)

Chandler : Yes. Yes, and uh, uh the trees are happy, too, because for
most of them it’s their only chance to see New York.

Gunther : (behind the bar, instructing Rachel) ... and after you’ve
delivered the drinks, you take the empty tray ...

Rachel : Gunther, Gunther, please, I have worked here for two and a
half years, I know the empty trays go over there.(points to an area near the
end of the bar)

Gunther : What if you put them here? (puts a tray down near the coffee
machines)

Rachel : Huh. Well y’know, that’s actually a really good idea because
that way they’ll be closer to the mugs. You know what? You should have the other
waitresses do that too!

Gunther : They already do. That’s why they call it "the tray spot".

Rachel : Jeez, I always heard ’em talk about that, I sorta just thought
it was like a club they went to, oh god, I’m sorry.

Gunther : It’s alright (she walks away) ... sweetheart.

[Scene: SARAH’s bedroom, decorated with space shuttle posters and all things
planetary, SARAH has a cast and Ross is bedside]

Ross : So, this must be ... kinda neat for ya, huh? I mean, your dad tells
me you get a couple of days off school and you, uh, you don’t have to sell those
cookies anymore.

Sarah : Well, I kinda wanted to sell the cookies. The girl who sells
the most wins a trip to space camp ... and gets to sit in a real space shuttle.

Ross : (playing with a stuffed space shuttle) Wow, you, uh, you really
like all this space stuff, huh?

Sarah : Yeah. My dad says if I spent as much time helping him clean
apartments as I do daydreaming about outer space, he’d be able to afford a trip
to the Taj Mahal.

Ross : I think you’d have to clean a whole lot of apartments to go all
the way to India.

Sarah : No. The one in Atlantic City. Dad loves the slots. He says he’s
gonna double the college money my Grandma left me.

Ross : Huh. Well, good luck to Dad. Say, how many more boxes would you
have to sell in order to win?

Sarah : The girl who won last year sold 475.

Ross : Yeah?

Sarah : So far, I’ve sold ... 75.

Ross : 400, huh? Well, that sounds do-able. (gets out and opens his
wallet) How much are the boxes?

Sarah : Could you pull the curtains open for me? The astronauts from
the Space Shuttle are gonna be on the news. Since we don’t have a TV, the lady
acRoss the alley said she’s push hers up through a window so I could watch it.

[Scene: apartment building hallway, Ross enters holding a box and approaches
a door, knocks on it, and the camera view switches to from within an OLD WOMAN’s
door looking out at Ross through a peephole which opens up, after Ross knocks]

Phoebe : Well, I, I thought alot about what you said and um, I realized,
alright, maybe I was a little judgemental. (notices the tightly bound tree)
Yeah. Oh, but, eww.

Joey : Oh, now Phoebe, remember, hey, their just fulfilling their Christmas
...

Phoebe : Destiny.

Joey : Sure.

Phoebe : Yes.

Joey : Yeah.

Phoebe : Okay. (somebody walks by with a sickly, brown tree) Yikes -
that one doesn’t look very fulfilled.

Joey : Oh, that’s uh that’s one of the old ones. He’s just taking it
to the back.

Phoebe : You keep the old ones in the back? That is so age-ist.

Joey : Well, we have to make room for the fresh ones.

Phoebe : So, what happens to the old guys?

Joey : Well, they go into the chipper.

Phoebe : Why do I have the feeling that’s not as happy as it sounds.
(Joey motions behind Phoebe where the brown tree is being thrown into the chipper,
dramatic choral music in a minor key swells up as the tree is shown being eaten)
No NOOOO! (Phoebe watches in horror as the chips fly out the other side) Oh!
(Phoebe buries her face in Joey’s shoulder

Ross : No, but, uh there’s coconut in the uh, Hannukah Menoreos. Tell
you what, I’ll put you down for eight boxes: one for each night. (Chandler mouths
"okay" and makes a disgusted face) Mon?

Monica : Alright, I’ll take one box of the Mint Treasures ... one ...
and that’s it. (to Chandler) I started gaining weight after I joined the Brownbirds.
(to Ross) Remember - Dad bought every one of my boxes and I ate them all?

Ross : Uh, no, Mon - uh, Dad *had* to buy every one of your boxes *because*
you ate them all. But, uh, y’know I’m sure that’s not gonna happen this time.
Why don’t I just put you down for three of the Mint Treasures and just a couple
of the Rudolphs?

Monica : No.

Ross : Oh, c’mon now you know you want ’em.

Monica : Don’t, don’t ... don’t do this ...

Ross : (walks over to her, with a devlish look) I’ll tell you what,
Mon. I’ll give you the first box for free.

Monica : (she reaches out, almost touches the box Ross is offering,
then draws back suddenly) Oh god, I gotta go! (she bolts out the door)

Ross : (chases after Monica, with a smile) C’mon, all the cool kids
are eating ’em!

Gunther : (as he is walking through the tables, training Rachel) And
when you have a second later, I want to show you why we don’t just trap spiders
under coffee mugs and leave them there.

Rachel : (cRosses to join Chandler on the couch) I’m training to be
better at a job that I hate! My life officially sucks.

Joey : But Rach, wasn’t this supposed to be a temporary thing? I thought
you wanted to do fashion stuff.

Rachel : Well, yeah! I’m still pursuing that.

Chandler : How, exactly are you pursuing that ... y’know other than
sending out resumes like, uh, what two years ago?

Rachel : Well, I’m also ... sending out ... good thoughts.

Joey : If you ask me, as long as you got this job, you got nothing pushing
you to get another one. You need the fear.

Rachel : The fear?

Chandler : He’s right. If you quit this job, you then have motivation
to go after a job you really want.

Rachel : Well then how come you’re still at a job that you hate? I mean,
why don’t you quit and get "the fear"?

Rachel : I don’t know, I mean, I would give anything to work for a designer,
y’know ... or a buyer. Uchh - I just don’t want to be 30 and still work here.

Chandler : Yeah, that’d be much worse than being 28 and ... still working
here.

Gunther : (from the bar) Rachel?

Rachel : Yeah?

Gunther : Remind me to review with you which pot is decaf and which
is regular.

Rachel : Can’t I just look at the handles on them?

Gunther : You would think.

Rachel : (cRosses to the bar) OK, fine - Gunther, y’know what? I am
a terrible waitress. Do you know why I’m a terrible waitress? Because I don’t
care. I don’t care. I don’t care which pot is regular and which pot is decaf.
I don’t care where the "tray spot" is. I just don’t care. This is not what I
wanna do! (pauses) So I don’t think I should do it anymore. (pauses) I’m gonna
give you my weeks’ notice.

Gunther : What?

Rachel : Gunther, I quit.

Chandler : (to Joey) Does this mean we’re gonna have to start paying
for coffee?

COMMERCIAL BREAK

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s apartment, Ross and Chandler are at the kitchen
table]

Ross : Okay - 12, 22, 18 (Chandler, who is supposed to be adding figures
for Ross, laughs at the calculator) ... what?

Chandler : I spelled out "boobies".

Monica : (enters from the bathroom) Ross, put me down for another box
of the Mint Treasures, okay? (searches the case of cookies) Wh, where are the
Mint Treasures?

Ross : Uh, we’re out. I sold them all.

Monica : What?

Ross : Monica, I’m cutting you off.

Monica : (frantic) No, no, j- just a couple more boxes. Look, it’s no
big deal, alright? I’m - I’m cool. You gotta help me out with a couple more
boxes!

Ross : (clears throat) Okay, the other night, I was, uh, leaving the
museum just as "Laser Floyd" was letting out of the planetarium? Without even
trying, I sold fifty boxes! That’s when it occured to me - the key to my success:
the munchies! So, I uh, I started hitting the NYU dorms around midnight? I am
selling cookies by the *case*. They call me (in a "Bill and Ted" surfer-type
voice) "cookie dude".

Troop leader : Who’s next? (walks to Ross, who is frantically writing
on his form, she notices and clears her throat, gaining Ross’s attention)

Ross : Hi there!

Troop leader : Hi. And batting for Sarah: Ross Geller. 872. Although,
it looks like you bought an awful lot of cookies yourself.

Ross : (clears throat) That is because my doctor says that I have a
very ... serious ... nougat ... deficiency.

[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe and Ross are on the couch, Chandler is in the
seat]

Chandler : Tell us what happened, (in a weird voice) Bronwbird Ross.

Ross : Well, I lost. Some little girl loaned her uniform to her 19-year-old
sister who went down to the USS Nimitz and sold over 2000 boxes. (Rachel enters
from her interview at Fortunata) Hey, how did the interview go?

Rachel : Uchh, blew it. I wouldn’t have even hired me.

Ross : Oh, come here, sweetie, listen, you’re gonna go on like a thousand
interviews before you get a job. That’s not how that was supposed to come out.

Phoebe : This is just the worst Christmas ever.

Chandler : You know what, Rach, maybe you should just, y’know, stay
here at the coffeehouse.

Rachel : I can’t! It’s too late, Terry already hired that girl over
there. Look at her. (motions to waitress at bar) She’s even got waitress experience.
Ugh. Last night, she was ... teaching everybody how to make ... napkins ...
into ... (Rachel says something unintelligible in a high pitched whine).

Ross : (to Chandler and Phoebe) That word was "swans".

[Scene: the hallway in front of Monica and Rachel’s apartment, Phoebe, Chandler,
Ross and Rachel are walking in]

[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is sitting at the little table, Ross, Chandler
and Monica are on the couch, Phoebe is sitting in the chair]

Rachel : Here we go, serving my last cup of coffee. (as Ross leads others
in singing "Pomp and Circumstance", she brings a cup to Chandler) There you go,
enjoy!

(All clap)

Chandler : (quietly, to Ross) Should I tell her I ordered tea?

Ross and Joey : No. No.

Rachel : Umm, excuse me, everyone, uh, this is my last night working
here, and, uh, I just wanted to say that I made some really good friends here,
and uh, it’s just time to move on. (Gunther runs to the back room, crying) Uh,
and no offense to everybody who uh, still works here, but you have no idea how
good it feels to say that as of this moment, I will never have to make coffee
again.

MR. Kaplan, Jr : Now Mr. Kaplan Sr. likes his coffee strong, so you really
use two bags instead of one, see? Now, pay attention, cuz this part’s tricky:
see, some people use filters just once ...

CLOSING CREDITS

[Scene: in front of Chandler and Joey’s apartment, Ross walks and SARAH hobbles
on crutches to the door]

Ross : I’m ... I’m sorry you didn’t get to go to space camp, and I’m hoping
that maybe, somehow, this may help make up for it, okay? Presenting: Sarah Tuttle’s
Private Very Special Space Camp! (opens the door, and Chandler and Joey are jumping
excitedly from behind one of the recliners covered in tin foil, there are planets
and stars everywhere, Chandler and Joey show off the decorations)

Sarah : (to Ross) Really, Mr. Geller, you don’t have to do this ...

Ross : Oh, c’mon, here we go (lifts her into the chair and takes her
crutches) stand by for mission countdown!