Engaging Submission within the Black American Muslim Marriage

Some of the most hostile discussions I’ve witnessed have been between Black men and women during their discussions about relationships. It gets heated. It gets nasty. It gets dirty. Black American Muslims often get into heated conversations about gender roles, power struggles, and family instability. Black dysfunction is a sore topic and often people blame the strong black woman, the independent black woman, the mouthy and insubordinate Black woman for the break down of the Black family, and therefore community. That, as well as the men who don’t know how to be men. So, many find the answer within Islamic traditions, texts, and 1400 years of scholarship. This is the idealized version of an Islamic marriage where men are protectors and maintainers and women are devoutly obedient.

We don’t have statistics for success rates of Black American Muslim marriages, largely due to the number of Islamic marriages that are not registered with the state. In a major urban center, one counselor who does pre-marriage counseling told my husband that about 75% of the marriages end in failure. Has the advice we’ve been given worked in the past few decades? Will it work, even if everyone tries to comply with the traditional gender norms of the obedient wife and husband who protects and provides? Our expectations are not always grounded in our cultural, economic, and social realities. The truth is, most of us enter our marriages with poor relationship and communication skills. Instead, we talk about rights and obligations. As for skills, we tend to overlook that.

I know I’m going to get some push back, but I had some thoughts about infantile notions of marriage within the Black American Muslim community. I think the notion that an adult Muslim women must obey their husbands, shut their mouths, provide sex, and cook food is a gross simplification of the formula for creating a happy husband. I’ve heard a number of Muslims cite works such as “The Submissive Wife” or “Fascinating Woman,” advocating mythic submission based on the Bible without acknowledging some of the nuance in these books, and some of the problems. They are just proof that women should obey and stop complaining. They catalogue gendered emotional needs, without considering that not everyone is the same. For example, on the notion of respect. Both men and women want to be respected. A healthy marriage is built upon mutual respect and love. One cannot disregard and disrespect the feelings of a partner without expecting a build up of resentment. And how does that resentment get expressed? Either through passive aggressive behavior or confrontational behavior.

Sometimes we tend to look at a hadith or Quranic verse and think that we have the entire prescription for a social problem. But without context, we may not understand the kulliyat (big picture). The other point that becomes important is that perhaps Muslims need to look beyond rights and rules and look towards ethics, or rather a way of being in the world that embodies the sunnah of our Prophet (s.a.w.) . While I am not qualified as a mufassir (commentator of Quran), I am aware that some authoritative scholars have interpreted verse 4:34 in various ways, including in a way that does not entail that a woman has to obey her husband’s commands, but God’s commands. Many scholars have qualified what is allowed in with the “beat them” with a “lightly” in parenthesis, to others who have looked to the seerah (prophetic biography) to outright prohibit wife beating. The reality is that there are Muslim traditionalists who will still uphold the right of a husband to hit his wife with a miswak (a tooth brush), and even some Black American Muslims who would argue that a smart mouthed woman could get a back hand to the face. I have even sat in a Arabic khutbah where the immigrant imam did say that a man can hit his wife, just not in the face. But the majority of American Muslim scholars are against domestic violence. I personally cannot even entertain the idea of wife beating as part of a healthy marriage, let alone a right that would help foster love and mutual devotion.

I think that some men are taught that their spouses only respect them if the wife is immediately compliant. At the same time, this expectation leaves many intelligent women who may have legitimate reservations also feeling disrespected by their partners. Men are not the only ones who need respect. Everyone wants respect. We feel respected when someone listens to us and takes our feelings into consideration. So, while the Quran acknowledges the degree that men have over women, it does not mean that they always wield their privilege over their wives in a way that belittles them, infantalizes them, and emotionally harms them. If you really like your spouse as a person, would you treat them in a way that makes them feel like a child or treat them in a way that you wouldn’t treat an animal?

This raises the question as to something being allowed in Islam, but not necessarily being the best thing to do. Commanding someone and making demands, from a point of privilege and entitlement can breed a lot of ill feelings. Just as a woman may find that an indirect approach to her husband will yield success, a man may find out that asking his wife, “Do you mind making dinner?” may leave open some space for her to say that she feels ill that day, she is tired after a long day of work and maybe take-out would be best. But the demand for dinner may leave a woman feeling a yoke of oppression, as opposed to the husband appreciating the home cooked meal, rather then feeling entitled.

While some people choose to conform to the idea of an obedient, subservient, and submissive wife, some of us choose to have an engaged surrender, or submission. And there are happy marriages where the wife is an equal partner and the husband does not feel his manhood threatened by his wife telling him something is a bad idea or to occasionally pick up take out. In fact, one of the most pious women I know has a marriage built on a model of mutual respect and consultation.

10 thoughts on “Engaging Submission within the Black American Muslim Marriage”

As far as the American black marriage, one could look in psychology for the answer, if you don’t know the tricks, people’s who do can you look like a pasty. imagine the free slaves, for the first time you taste freedom, untill reality settle in, You had nothing, it became worse, each mean of advancement in your life was more than you can bear. with nothing you and your wife migrant with dream of a better life, including kids, seperate by poverty, education, and hope. the invisible hand appear, no jobs, no work, for the black man, to his woman, free public housing, welfare, something is better than nothing, condition became worst for the black man, a constant struggle with sanity. no matter, the convo come up welfare, our own home? with a clause, you can’t have that black man living with you, PROJECT, aka population control.
generation after generation born, nothing worst than feeding a stray cat, why the need to look for food, the daily struggle to have a sense of identity, freedom. the funny thing is it was the white woman who need the strength and courage aka Women Rights, vote ect. Black men are women, and black women are men, head of the black dysfunctional black family. nothing is free, their a price to pat

As far as the American black marriage, one could look in psychology for the answer, if you don’t know the tricks, people’s who do can you look like a pasty. imagine the free slaves, for the first time you taste freedom, untill reality settle in, You had nothing, it became worse, each mean of advancement in your life was more than you can bear. with nothing you and your wife migrant with dream of a better life, including kids, seperate by poverty, education, and hope. the invisible hand appear, no jobs, no work, for the black man, to his woman, free public housing, welfare, something is better than nothing, condition became worst for the black man, a constant struggle with sanity. no matter, the convo come up welfare, our own home? with a clause, you can’t have that black man living with you, PROJECT, aka population control.
generation after generation born, nothing worst than feeding a stray cat, why the need to look for food, the daily struggle to have a sense of identity, freedom. the funny thing is it was the white woman who need the strength and courage aka Women Rights, vote ect. Black men are women, and black women are men, head of the black dysfunctional black family. nothing is free, their a price to pay

This raises the question as to something being allowed in Islam, but not necessarily being the best thing to do
This is so insightful. It is possible to ruin your health on a diet of technically halal McDonald’s food and destroy your finances on loans that are Islamically legitimate. You can just as easily ruin your personal relationships while still being “Shariah compliant” in your behaviour. Not breaking the law is a low, low bar and we should hold ourselves much higher.

I like the way that Ali Gomaa (grand mufti of Egypt) addresses the matter of domestic violence: even if there was permission for physical discipline in the past, it simply makes no sense for people like us in the times we live in. He has a statement on his website that discusses the evolving status of women and changes in the ways we should deal with conflict. (I’m reluctant to post the link because it might lead to my comment being filtered.)

Salaam alaikum,
Thank you Bin Gregory for your thoughtful comment. I agree that not breaking the law is a low bar. Thank you deepwatrcreatur for your link to Ali Gomaa’s opinion on domestic violence. It is nice to see our traditional scholars do have some sense. I’ve read some of his other fatwas and he is a very sensible and thoughtful mufti, masha’Allah.

the human mind can easily shoot an arrow and then paint the bulleye around it, when do you factor in the social environment? We all know what it take for a happy marriage, I agree. but economics of the past, was a factor, and a cause for the seeds growing today

I like to share the statements of people like Sh. Ali Gomaa because his authority is widely respected. But our community also needs to develop greater regard for statements such as this blog post where women express their relationship expectations. Ultimately we are renegotiating these gender roles with each other, and fatwa is only telling us the bare minimum of what to expect.

Rules for Commenting

This is not a free speech zone.
I will not tolerate comments racist comments, those insulting Islam or any other faith. I will edit or delete comments with personal insults, foul language, slander, or offensive statements. My blog is for thoughtful and insightful discussion on difficult issues. It is for constructive dialogue and positive change. I appreciate your input, as long as it is respectful and well thought out (this includes preaching or making disparaging comments about this blogger or other commenters' character). If you would like to know why your comment was not accepted or have a grievance with how I treated your comment feel free to email me.

Copyright
Please do not copy and paste entire articles in other forums and emails. A short selection and link is more appropriate. If you would like for others to read the blog, please link back to my blog. I would like to know how did people discover my work. If you use a sentence or quote in my blog, please provide attribute the work to me.