Britain’s polls are gleaming with the jism of Labour’s pre-election ejaculate, with over half the country desperate for another five years of Gordon Brown.

Speaking from his Number10 bunker deep within the bowels of Downing Street, our unelected leader relayed this message to the people of Britain:

“I thank the masses for their vote of confidence in my leadership. I would also like to reassure the population that I am dedicated to working for you indefinitely. This is why, it is my election promise that once you vote for me for the very first time, it will be a lifetime vote. I will change the electoral system so that not you or anyone else will ever be rid of me, I will re-engineer the first-past-the-post system to only cater for a vote for me. The proletariat have for far too long been under the misapprehension that their vote counted, well I bid to take away the dishonesty of that illusion and simply create a system of one vote one candidate. Every five or six years, I will call an election where the masses can all vote for me in the polling booths. There will only be one choice, and that will be me. You see, comrades, this will make your lives so much easier, you will never have to think about other candidates, Tories, Lib Dems or Loonies. Instead you will just have my clunking fist of authority to protect you all from yourselves, you will just have my rules and control freakery, my parades and the ghastly Magda Goebbels necromancer, Mrs Sarah Brown, feeding you all the great PR that you love to lap up without question.

“The new system that I have designed will ensure that the British population will be cast into perpetual darkness and economic turmoil for the next hundred years, yes comrades, there will be some riots, it is to be expected, but of course these will be ruthlessly crushed by the brave Bolshevik warriors and storm troopers. I shall also unleash my wrath onto those that opposed me before my rise to power, those that dared to question my ultimate authority. These vermin shall be rooted out one by one by my loyal Stasi officers and dispatched to the gulags up North.

“Comrades, after the votes are counted by my henchmen, they will relay the results from North to South, from East to West. I will have won the election and there will be celebrations in the streets as the people realise that they have made the only correct choice in voting for me. I have the results right here in my hand. I will make it my mission to introduce more laws that will restrict your everyday freedoms, to increase the surveillance on you, to take away your property, your wealth will be no more. Under the New Soviet Order, there will be no need for the dregs of capitalism, the material consumerist worthless junk which you are so accustomed to. Instead I shall show you greater things, like how to work harder when you are digging in the salt mines, or how to survive for six months on two pieces of bread and a bowl of gruel. You see, comrades, I am here to help you, and I thank you all for standing there and not doing anything whilst I, my commissars and officers have trampled over everything your ancestors fought for. Here, I spit in your soup and there, you eat it up you pathetic wretches.”

After the speech was televised on all channels including BBC1, BBC2, BBC3, BBC4, BBC5, BBC6, BBC7 – BBC45, there were reports of cheers in the streets and flag waving calling “Hail, Comrade Brown. Hail, the great supreme unelected leader of the Soviet British people!”

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