Why Am I Invisible – A Response

Some bloggers check their “stats” weeklydaily hourly to see how many visitors have come to their sites, how long they stayed there, what posts they’ve read, how they got there, etc. For many bloggers, these stats are a constant source of anxiety. I am very grateful that for whatever reason, most days they aren’t anywhere on my radar. I do, however, occasionally log in to my statistics tracking tool to find out fun things like if anyone in Abu Dhabi is reading my blog (Shout out to Abu Dhabi!) or if my ex-boyfriend is using the computer at the prison where he works to check on his ex-girlfriend (Yeah, I totally see you, buddy).

Another fun fact my stats show me is what search engine terms people are using that result in a visit to Resourceful Mommy. This fall tons of readers found me while trying to find out how to make Jake and the Neverland Pirates costumes, and I’m fairly sure that everyone who has ever compared the MobiGo to the Leapster has stopped by here at least once. Anyone who Googles hey look I’m naked will find me at the top of the recommended sites thanks to my idiotic post title after an even more idiotic technical error. My apologies to all of the thirteen year old boys googling that phrase and finding me. Major bummer.

Most of the time the search terms that bring people to my site either make complete sense like the Jake costumes or are laughable like the naked reference, but this week I saw that someone came to Resourceful Mommy after googling “Why am I invisible to my husband.” When I saw that search term it felt like the wind had been knocked out of me, my first thought – why would Google send her to me!? Turns out that Google suggested that she read my post about the shirt with invisible sleeves, which she apparently did. But my very next thought was even more upsetting – I pictured a woman sitting at her computer, tears streaming down her face, desperately turning to Dr. Google to find out what was going wrong in her marriage. I wanted to pick up the digital thread leading back to her and tug on it until I found something connecting me to her. Did she get anything out of my post? Did she at least laugh? Did she curse Google for confusing invisible sleeves with invisible wives?

I don’t know if she’ll ever come back here – maybe if she wants to know why kids need vegetables! – but if she does, I want her to find this response to her question.

1. You are not invisible. I see you. I tried to see you more clearly, but the internet is weird like that so I couldn’t really see you, but I’ve certainly been thinking about you.

2. Your husband sees you, too. I have no idea what’s going on in your marriage – it may really really suck – so I’m not going to take away from that. But he sees you. You know what else? Like all of us, he’s got a lot on his mind. My husband once walked right past me while I was lying naked on the bed, and while you can see from my “hey look I’m naked” post that that’s not necessarily a terribly exciting thing, he is a smart enough man to know it was going to get him something fun. And yet he walked right by me. What would cause a man to walk right past his naked wife? I’ll tell you what it wasn’t – It wasn’t that he doesn’t love me, doesn’t desire me, doesn’t enjoy being with me. It wasn’t even that he didn’t see me. It turns out that he was thinking about putting sodas in the fridge so that I’d have cold caffeine waiting for me in the morning. So let’s change you being invisible to him being distracted.

3. While I’m happy that Google sent you to me, I want to change your search term from “Why am I invisible to my husband” to “How can I help my husband see me?” We probably aren’t going to really answer the “why” although I’m putting most of my money on distracted/stressed/busy/hurt/dealing with stuff inside his own head/tired/overwhelmed/hungry. What we can answer is a question my best friend asks me all the time – Now what? Earlier this week your answer to “now what?” was to turn to Google. When I’m feeling ignored by my husband, my “now what” is often to shut down, get quiet, hurt myself with my thoughts about his motives, get angry. None of those things are productive. However, when I instead use that feeling to motivate me to try to reconnect with him – and yes, it apparently takes more than throwing my naked self on my bed at night as he walks by – it tends to result in great conversations, time spent enjoying each other again, and relief. Deciding to put it on yourself to help alleviate the problem when it feels like the problem is his or at least his fault is so frustrating. I am the queen of “but I’m RIGHT,” so I get that. Right there with you. But trust me that feeling better feels better no matter how you get there.

Maybe today you’re Googling “sexy lingerie” or “top Christmas presents for men” or even “divorce for Dummies.” I’ll probably never know. But I hope that whatever it is, you’re in a better place than you were in when you found me. And I hope that if you find me again, this helps.

Oh my goodness. I’ve had my share of ridiculous search terms – I still feel bad for everyone who Googles [cutest boobs ever] and finds our calendar – but I haven’t had any that ever made me think so much as this woman’s search did for you. I hope she finds the answers she is looking for.

This post makes me sad for the woman who felt she had to search for those answers, I hope she found what she needed and finds her way back here to see that people do care and understand.

At the same time, this post makes me proud to be your friend. Anyone who cares enough to reach out to a stranger who stumbled across her site from a Google search is the right kind of friend to have. I love you!!

Great post. It breaks my heart to imagine a sweet lady googling why she feels invisible to her husband. I would love to take her out for wine and ice cream! lol! This is my first time reading your blog, and its amazing! I know she is a returning reader and fan like I am!

Men are blind, that’s all there is to it. I think they day dream a lot or something. This post reminds me of a bizarre “damn you auto correct” screenshot, lol – everybody is thinking something different at the same time.

Ok. I’m crying now. I love you for writing this post. I love that you CARE enough to write an entire post for a woman that you don’t know with certainty will ever find her way back. But if she does, Amy is here for her….and so are the rest of us.

What a great post! I love the creative twist on checking stats [yes, I do that too] and the anonymous trail of visitors. It’s a double sided issue to not have to face every person who ‘walks’ int the shop. Thanks for addressing that anxiety and issue!

Well, I don’t now if it was my search you found, but I do know your blog is what I found today, and now I sit tears streaming down my face. I did search “why am I invisable to my husband”, whether today or the one you found before (today is not my first time searching for answers), I am grateful to have read this today. I asked him to encourage me. Nothing. I told him I feel invisable. Nothing. Ivisable goes with nothing, right?

I’m glad you found this post and I’m glad you’re still searching for answers instead of giving up. I hope that you are not invisible to your husband and that something works to create change in your marriage, but regardless this is what I can say to you. Encourage yourself. Believe in yourself. SEE yourself. Do the things that you love and surround yourself with people that love you. At the end of the day, we only have ourselves – even those of us in wonderful marriages with amazing friends can really only rely 100% on ourselves – so focus on YOU.

Perhaps he just doesn’t know how to articulate what he’s feeling. Maybe ask him to write down what he’s feeling, and you’ll do the same? Exchange and read it elsewhere, if the face-to-face isn’t too much!?

Amy, don’t stop blogging. You are an INCREDIBLE writer. And I love your honesty. Sometimes I don’t see my husband because I’m pre-occuppied with the next item on my To-Do List. And sometimes he’s too pre-ocuppied with what happened at work that day. It happens to us all. Marriages ebb and flow. But the one truth remains: We must focus on us before we can expect anyone to see us fully. Once again, don’t stop blogging. Your words are too powerful not to share.

While things are “better”, there are still things wrong. This blog, as well as the responses from caring people (I won’t use “stranger” at this point! LOL) has certainly helped boost my self esteem. I am never going to get some of my needs met through this man love and married. He was not completely honest about what he was “bringing” to the marriage, and it has left a vacuum. We are seeing a counselor tomorrow so we can try to get him, my husband, to understand what I mean when I say I feel “invisible”, “untouchable”, “unloveable”. No searches for sexy lingerie, or Christmas gifts for men, just going through things I had saved to my desktop-this being one-and realizing God does have his plan and that reading this blog, commenting to you, then coming back were part of something bigger to help build some kind of bridge for my husband and I. I will let you know if he ever understands what it means to “see me”
Blessings,
Michelle

Our thoughts are with you, Michelle. Good luck with the counselor tomorrow.
Amy is right that “feeling better feels better no matter how you get there.” I will add that sometimes you have to let go of the injustice and the wrongs that were done to you in order to move past them.

[…] Most of the time the search terms that bring people to my site either make complete sense like the Jake costumes or are laughable like the naked reference, but this week I saw that someone came toResourceful Mommy after googling “Why am I invisible to my husband.” Continue reading… […]

I know it was me all that time ago that did that search. I had been crying out to God that night and your right I had tears on my face and he didn’t care,but I did that search just to see what would come up if someone had any insite on it or what perspective that they had. I know I did that search because thats how I found you. I read your response months ago and agree with some of it & some of it helped my prespective. There are other issues at play with my husband I guess I shouldn’t get into here. I will leave it there. I just try to love & serve him best I can. I am very lonely in the marriage but I have days its harder to handle than others. I do know Jesus is the only one who will not let me down and I try to look to him to forfill all my needs when my husband is not in so many ways.

This is not healthy. A woman should NEVER perform for a man in order to be seen. Whether it’s in the context of marriage or not it is a terrible message. As if the reason she feels invisible is somehow her fault and so on top of every other expectation placed on her shoulders “make myself visible to my husband” is added for her to carry. Because of course she isn’t enough as is.

If he isn’t looking he is losing and as painful as it is to not be seen by the person you love the most it is not worth your performing for his attention. You are enough and his inability to see you has NOTHING to do with who you are and EVERYTHING to do with who he isn’t.

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About Me

Hi, I’m Amy Powell, the managing partner and content creator here at Resourceful Mommy. I’m a forty-something wife and mom of two teenage sons. My favorite things are Jesus, coffee, everything internet, traveling, and a good craft beer. Here we will talk about topics that help simplify family life like self-care, marriage, parenting, & organization. I’m looking forward to connecting with you. Learn more.