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Knowing When You Are Onto a Good Thing

My Open Letter to the ‘Playful’ Mr Charles Saatchi

Dear Mr Saatchi

Having read about your plans to divorce Nigella Lawson in the media, apparently the same way she found out herself, I would like to congratulate you on the 10 years of marriage you managed to get away with. In your [under]statement you say that you “feel very fortunate to have had such a lovely wife for many years”. And some.

It was fairly clear to most of us that you were punching well above your weight, seemingly both figuratively and literally, with Nigella. I’m assuming you have some lovely hidden qualities that made her marry you in the first place because I don’t think it was your looks and she doesn’t appear to need the money. You did well, and many men (and possibly quite a few women) would have given their right eye to have bagged the foxy, flirty Nigella who also makes fabulous food; after all, what’s not to like? However, you cocked it up big style.

Why do some men just not realise when they are onto a good thing? Consider yourself and the Ashley Coles of this world who seem happy to trade what you’ve had the good fortune, against all odds, to get for the sake of a dirty frolic or a ‘playful’ throttle. You are idiots.

We now hear that it is you who is divorcing her. Well of course it is (the best defence is attack after all). Apparently you are a bit miffed that she wouldn’t come out and say it was OK to rough her up in public. What a bitch eh. Of course it wasn’t what it looked like, just your regular “playful tiff” that involved you squeezing your hand around her throat and tweaking her nose (the latter presumably straight from a quaint Just William kind of era); the kind of behaviour that goes on between consenting adults in a “passionate” marriage all the time; in a very public restaurant; in front of paparazzi. If that’s the kind of jolly japes you get up to under these conditions I imagine life is a real hoot behind closed doors.

Obviously I believe you when you say that these actions “were not violent” and that you could have just as easily been the victim in the incident. I really do, although it is a bit tricky to figure it out from the photos. Or the facts. Or from your subsequent behaviour. Presumably she ‘asked for it’?

Well all good things must come to an end and while Nigella’s life may be lacking in a bit of ‘passion’ for a while I think she’ll be OK. With all the hot weather we’re having I’m sure she’ll appreciate being able to discard the scarves and polo necks that tend to be the essential wardrobe of any woman who’s in an abusive, sorry tactile, relationship such as yours. Apparently you didn’t even like her food anyway and for that reason alone we can deduce that you are a moron.

You still claim that you weren’t violent to her. I don’t wish violence on anyone but if you should ever find someone being playful with you because of all their passion I hope that you will see what it’s like on the receiving end and realise that it’s not such a blast after all.