Chronicles my ten plus year quest for a positive, personal spirituality, highlighting my experiences connecting with God while commuting on the train to Washington, D.C., with a focus on sharing my divinely inspired guidance on this blog and related social media sites.

Like many families a highlight of the fall season for us is a visit to a
small farm with a pumpkin patch to test our skills traversing the cornfield
maze, listening to the grandkids laugh with excitement as they speed down an
underground slide cleverly carved out of the side of a small hill, watch the
pigs race and stop in mid scamper to nibble a bit of the hay, and of course load
onto a tracker pulled cart for a ride to the pumpkin patch to pick this season’s
to be carved Halloween companion.

Yet the trip this year was different, it was the birthday of Ann’s father who
had died a few years ago after a three-year battle with a stroke. Ann loved her
father dearly, his kindness, positive personality, and sheer love of life made
him the center of her world. He loved the Green Bay Packers and taught her at
an early age to love football. Most
of all she loved to listen to him play his guitar and sing.

One of Ann’s favorite childhood memories had to do with her father playing the
traditional folk song made famous by the Carter family, Wildwood Flower. They
shared a sort of ritual with Ann gleefully asking for her favorite song –
calling out “play Wildwood Rose, daddy, play Wildwood Rose. “Runt” her father would
say with a smile - using his
nickname for his tiny, shy, fragile daughter - truly the runt of the family litter - “you know it's called
Wildwood Flower, Runt," as he would begin to play and light up his adoring
daughter’s smile.

I could see Ann’s well-concealed melancholy as she gladly performed the role of the
excited Nana laughing, running, and enjoying the day with the grandchildren. I
could also see the strain of an excruciating week that began with a phone call
Tuesday morning from the Women’s Health Center at our local hospital. The
caller informed Ann that there was an issue with the Mammogram she had taken
the week before, there was an asymmetry detected and the doctor wanted her
in for a more extensive Mammogram along with an Ultrasound - both being scheduled
for Thursday afternoon.

When I received the call from Ann I new instantly something was seriously wrong,
prompting me to ask what had happened even before she relayed the details of her
call. You often here it said that it
is one call that changes your life forever, as I caught my breath and emotions I
realized this might be the call. I asked Ann to go over the Women’s Health Center
call word for word questioning whether the caller had explained what
“asymmetry” actually meant. With her voice trembling Ann said she was really frightened
because it had been several years since she had scheduled her annual mammogram.
She worried out loud asking, “have I waited too long and now this,” as her voice trailed off.

The retest was
scheduled for Thursday a full two days off, an eternity when you are waiting to
determine your fate. Ann said she would call and ask if it was possible to reschedule
it sooner because two days was just too long to wait. I got off the phone and went
onto Google to understand what “asymmetry”
actually meant in lay terms and soon realized that asymmetry just meant the
mass of one breast was larger than the other, a sign that there was an issue
that required more extensive retesting and usually an Ultrasound.

The internet
doctor’s attempted to mitigate the fear and panic that had understandably overtaken most of the women as they searched for some hope to deal with the terror of
waiting for the retest. The sites were full of women baring their souls as
their mind’s bombarded them with every worse case scenario conceivable.
All caught in a what can only be called a hellish limbo.

Thankfully Ann called and had
gotten the test moved up one day, as I could here the nervous panic beginning to
take its toll. Ann knew it would be the longest twenty-four hours of her life.
Mind control is difficult enough when there are no pressing health issues, but
often impossible when the verdict is still out.

The human mind
is hardwired to prepare for the worst and in this case it meant cancer, surgery,
and possible death. Ann who understands all the modern mind control approaches admits
that she lost control early on as her mind prepared her for cancer, getting the family
ready for her death, and planning the videos for the grandchilden to be watched as
they grew up without her.

By evening I
could see that Ann needed a rest so I suggested that she take her migraine
medicine to knock the fear and the worry out for the night. Before she drifted
off to sleep we held each other and prayed. Ann would tell me later that she
prayed to her angels. Ann also asked her dad for a sign that he was there with
her and would protect her through this ordeal.

I woke up and
wrote Ann the note below striving to bring hope and faith back into what was
fast becoming one of the worst experiences imaginable. As we worked to get the
courage to get up and face the day Ann turned and said, “I am going to say a
bad word, really, I am going to
say a bad word.” This is something quite uncommon for Ann – so she paused as if
to gain the courage and said – "this is a bitch!"

With this word I
felt the air clear and Ann seemed to release the pent up fear as her breath
became peaceful. I said with all the strength I could muster, "I cannot agree
more – it is truly a bitch!" Ann looked at me and said peacefully, "I am ready
now, I have told my mind that it has had its say, and I am now prepared to go
on with strength and not as a victim. "

I drove Ann to
work trying to convince her to take the morning off. Ann said she would be crazy having nothing to do. I would
pick her up at 2 PM and drive her to the Women’s Center a few blocks from her
office. I told her that I loved her and that I firmly believed all was going to
be ok, she said she trusted my connection and hoped so. So did I.

She said with a
touch of sadness in her voice, “you
know what is the most troubling thing about this, is that I might have
prevented this if I had only had my routine screening. I was always too busy, I
cancelled my appointment over and over because I was busy at work. If I get another chance I will never miss or postpone my annual screening.” All I could do was nod my head in agreement.

We arrived at
the Women’s Health Center building, a state of the art facility recently constructed
to focus on medical issues unique to women. There was an older couple also waiting
patiently and we watched as the women kissed her husband and nervously made her
way to the exam rooms. Ann went over the process with me – she would go in and have her
Mammogram and then an Ultrasound and would come out to get me when the doctor
reviewed the test results. Ann told me not to worry because they were backed up
and it might take longer than expected.

I kissed her and
said that I would be there waiting for her. I could see the panic making its
way but she regained composure and went in for the tests. I prayed, waited and tried
to read. About an hour into the procedure Ann called me and said she had already
finished the extensive Mammogram and was waiting for the Ultrasound and asked
me not to worry.

After what must
have been another forty minutes I looked up and Ann is coming towards me with
an amazing smile of joy on her face. “I am ok, the doctor said I am ok. It was
a lump in the Mammogram but it did not show up on the Ultrasound." The compassionate doctor had walked
into the exam room as soon as he got the positive results and said to Ann – “First things first – you are ok!” Ann
was ok and in an instant life, hope, future, family, all restored.

As we were
driving home Ann said, “you know the women who went in before me – she was sitting
with her husband when we arrived." I nodded and Ann continued, "well, when I shared with her that I had missed getting my Mammogram last year, she confided that she had not had a Mammogram for over
ten years. She was worried becuase they had just retested her a second time before I talked with her and she was waiting for the
doctor to go over the results together with her husband. Like me she was so
worried that she might have made a dreadful mistake.” I listened knowing full well
that we could have just as easily been on the wrong side of this message.

Later Ann and I
agreed not to publish this story on the blog, but by the weekend Ann had asked me to
publish the story so others who may have delayed getting their breast exams would not
delay further and get them done now.
She felt it was an important message. She looked at me and said – “we need to
understand how lucky we are and be grateful.” I do and I am.

So back to our
Sunday fall outing visit to the pumpkin patch, it had been several days since
the retest - we are tired but happy to be alive and well. The grandkids eye an
antique carousel – a merry-go-round in a large barn at the top of the hill, complete with painted
horses moving up and down with the music and mirrors reflecting the pastoral
scenes - so we make our way to enjoy a ride.

No one else is
waiting so we have the carousel to ourselves. The baby is propped up on a horse
with dad and mom holding firm, the nine year old independently picks his steed
as Ann’s younger daughter opts to sit on the stagecoach type seats, and Ann
finds a horse just in front of the stagecoach and gets on for the ride. I am
videoing the scene thinking that I am grateful beyond words for this moment. Again I
realize for Ann it is her dad’s birthday and all of this must be
bittersweet.

Ann gets off her
horse during the ride to join her daughter in the open stagecoach. Since I am busy
videoing on my phone and not paying close attention I have to rely on Ann’s
account of what happens next. As they sat in stagecoach and took in the ride, Ann looked at the horse that she had
originally been riding when she realized that it had a name painted on the
saddle. Tears came to her eyes when she realized the horse she had been riding
had painted on its saddle in hand lettered calligraphy – Wildwood Flower. Ann told her daughter to
look at the saddle and they both began to cry having heard their dad and granddad
play the song countless times. They snapped the photo that I used to start this
piece to show us all.

After the ride Ann looked at me and said, "it is
the sign I asked for, it is the sign, it is my daddy, and it is his birthday,
and now I know he is with me."