The Department of Homeland Security’scolor coded rating system leaves many Americans confused about how alert we should be for terrorist attacks. The official order of how likely an attack will occur is Green, Blue, Yellow, Orange, and Red. What is the reasoning behind this order? Obviously red stands for danger, but what makes orange more frightening than yellow or blue? If the government’s goal is to simplify their warning system in a time of panic there should be no ambiguity as to how much trouble we’re in. That’s why a new, improved system is needed: The Homeland Security Advisory System Monster Scale.

The goal of the Monster Scale is to make it crystal clear how likely a terrorist strike will occur. Each level of likelihood is assigned a monster and the scarier the monster, the more we should be ready for an attack. News stations like CNN and MSNBC can use the Monster Scale icons in their news bars to keep the public informed. Unlike the US government, we will spell out exactly why each monster was chosen.

Terror Alert Frankenberry:
The only way he’s going to get you is if you eat too much of his goddamn cereal. Relax.

Terror Alert Mummy:
He’s so slow, you’d have to be pretty oblivious if he killed you. As long as you aren’t putting yourself in dangerous situations the mummy is no problem.

Terror Alert Zombie:
Ok, slight problem here because there are usually a lot of them, but they are still slow and with proper lighting and equipment (ie, shotguns, torches) you should be ok.

Terror Alert Wolfman:
This guy is bad news. He typically kills a lot before he’s done, but at least he can only operate at night under a full moon and has a distinct weakness (silver bullets).

Terror Alert Dracula:
You are totally fucked because unlike all the other monsters, Dracula knows what he’s doing. He can turn into a bat, charm the pants off women, and usually employs any number of other monsters to help him. He sucks your blood, not because he likes doing it, but to survive. The worst part is that even though you might kill him via the wooden stake or forcing him into sunlight, he’s probably converted at least a dozen vampire sleeper cells before you’ve polished off your crosses.

The Homeland Security Advisory System Monster Scale was developed by Brian Olexy and Ben Garvey.