Sunday, October 20, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

David Bowie has been named the “Best Dressed Person in British History.” They used the term “person” because they weren’t sure if his Ziggy Stardust days qualified him as a man or woman.

David Bowie has been named the “Best Dressed Person in British History.” Apparently William Shakespeare pretty much shot down his chances when he showed up on portrait day wearing that horse collar.

David Bowie has been named the “Best Dressed Person in British History.” At least from the front. Pippa Middleton would have won easily if they had just chosen from pictures of the back side.

Dick Cheney says he feared assassination by hackers shutting off his heart device while he was Vice President. At the same time, George W. Bush was afraid hackers would use technology to kill his Tamagotchi digital pet.

A report says that Alex Rodriguez paid more than $300,000 to buy evidence linking him to doping. Prosecutors are more interested in knowing what the Yankees were smoking when they bought his contract for $250,000,000.

A report says that 2013 was one of the least extreme weather years ever in the U.S. In fact, it has been so mild that the Weather Channel has started issuing severe drizzle warnings and hazardous cloud alerts.

Pope Francis I is selling his Harley Davidson motorcycle to raise money for the homeless. Which is bad news for the nuns who got to take turns as his motorcycle mama when he biked over to the Sturgis rally every year.

“The Fifth Estate”, the movie about WikiLeaks has bombed at the box office. Ironically, the theater receipts are the one thing you won’t find published on the WikiLeaks website.

A Chinese couple has been arrested and charged with selling their infant for money to buy an iPhone. If they needed the money that badly, all they had to do was wait a few weeks and get the kid a job working for Nike.

James Baker says the Republicans must become the party of hope. Democrats agree. They all hope that Ted Cruz wins the party’s nomination for President in 2016.

Researchers have developed a deep sea Internet to collect data to analyze the ocean. And mainly because spending any time as a crewman on a submarine is a lot safer when everyone else has access to online porn.

A survey says that UK parents blame technology for their children only walking an average of five minutes a day. Mostly because that’s the time they spend walking back and forth to put their iPhone on charge.

Scientists have raised concerns about a U.S. plan to spend $60 Billion on nuclear weapons. Which asks the question as to why anyone wanted the government shutdown to end after only 16 days?

Basketball great Bill Russell was arrested for carrying a loaded gun in his luggage at an airport. Apparently he is trying for a comeback with the Washington Wizards.

A violin played on the Titanic as it was sinking sold for $1.7 Million. The bad news is that it was bought by the entertainment director of Carnival Cruise Lines.

Texas gun owners staged a gun rights rally at the Alamo. Apparently they are trying to demonstrate that if only the troops at the Alamo had guns they could have won and…oh, never mind.

China has dismissed a college professor who advocates free speech and democratic reform. Apparently they want someone who is more forward thinking. Freedom and democracy is so Ming Dynasty.

J.P. Morgan Chase has struck a tentative deal with the Department of Justice to pay $13 Billion for bad mortgage securities. The bank is just telling the DOJ to take it out of the next round of taxpayer bailouts they have coming to them.

3,000 people took part in a run with the bulls event over the weekend at a horse park in Georgia. Everyone participating had an incentive. The fastest ones won prizes, the slowest were able to qualify for disability.

3,000 people took part in a run with the bulls event over the weekend at a horse park in Georgia. Apparently they wanted to give the same chance at being run over by a bull to people stupid enough but without enough money to afford a trip to Pamplona.

A former Boeing executive was indicted in a bribe scheme. It was the most money involved with extortion concerning an airplane since the airlines started charging in-flight fees.

A report says the UK Royal Mail was valued 50% higher than its recent sale price. Which if that was to happen with the U.S. Postal Service, the government would have to be paying the buyer about $10 Billion a year to take it off our hands.

A report says that half of all fast food workers rely on public assistance to get by. The other half of public assistance goes to people who regularly eat fast food.

Holiday hiring is expected to increase this year. Unfortunately, the businesses that will be hiring people will be the Unemployment Department, soup kitchens and homeless shelters.

A report says that some federal workers who were furloughed may double dip with unemployment insurance as well as back pay. Even members of Congress may double up on their wages by taking bribes from lobbyists as well as dipping into their campaign funds.

A Level 3 outage disrupted east coast Internet traffic over the weekend. Apparently Level 3 means that the outage affected the three most used parts of the Internet. Video games, social networks and porn.

A report says that kids in California are drinking less soda. Apparently it leaves a bad aftertaste following a few bong hits and a bag of Oreos.

Brain scans show that retired football players exhibit “profound” brain defects. Apparently they are almost as bad as the brain defects exhibited by men who sit in front of the TV all weekend watching football.

A study says that “traffic light” labeling in cafeterias, where foods are labeled green, yellow and red depending on their health benefits make for better nutritional choices. As opposed to fast food restaurants which would be better off with the labels “Nuclear waste”, “Hazmat” and “Toxic site”.

A report says that nearly 800 surgical tools were left inside hospital patients since 2005. The worst part for those patients is having to try to explain to the TSA why they keep setting off the metal detectors at the airport even when they are stripped down to their underwear.

One Million fake Xanax pills from China were seized at an airport in Switzerland. Which is good they were confiscated before they got to U.S. airports because people need the real anti-anxiety drug when going through a TSA checkpoint.

A study says that too much texting may leave college kids sleepy. How bad of shape are our kids in that too many key strokes with their thumbs is enough to knock them out?

A study says that too much texting may leave college kids sleepy. Especially when they are texting booty calls at three in the morning following an all night keg party.

Stephen Baldwin says his faith cost him some movie roles. But not as much as the faith of the producers who hired him thinking he could actually act.

Kris and Bruce Jenner reportedly will not file for divorce until “The Kardashians” ends production. Which means they see enough episodes from the divorce proceedings to start another spinoff.

Stephen Baldwin has paid $100,000 of his delinquent tax debt in New York, meaning he still owes $200,000. Entertainment experts were shocked. How did Stephen Baldwin make enough money to be taxed $300,000? (Two Stephen Baldwin jokes on the same day? That must be a first...)

Casey Kasem’s wife says the radio personality has only a few months to live. To which he called in a dedication to her for “The Bitch Is Back”.

Dodger ace Clayton Kershaw was offered a lifetime contract from the Dodgers for $300 Million which he reportedly turned down. Apparently he wants to hold out for enough to afford a two bedroom fixer upper in Santa Monica.

Dodger ace Clayton Kershaw was offered a lifetime contract from the Dodgers for $300 Million which he reportedly turned down. Apparently the offer was made before he took the mound in Kershaw’s season ending 9-0 shellacking.

The L.A. Times has banned letters from climate change skeptics. In fact, the only thing they are more sure of than the impending doom of humanity from global warming is the demise of the newspaper.

The L.A. Times has banned letters from climate change skeptics. To show how strongly their convictions are, they are still taking letters from Clippers fans who say their team has a shot at winning the NBA Championship.

NASA says it is 99.998% certain that an asteroid will not hit the earth in 2032. Mostly because there won’t be enough of the planet left to hit after the one that gets us next week.

NASA says it is 99.998% certain that an asteroid will not hit the earth in 2032. Mostly because the only thing they are more certain about is that NASA will be defunded and closed by the government by 2014.

A new watch called Tikka claims to be able to count down the time of death of the wearer. Which means taking a bad enough licking will make it stop ticking.

A new watch called Tikka claims to be able to count down the time of death of the wearer. Larry King has been wearing one for years, only when he bought his it was still a sundial.

A new watch called Tikka claims to be able to count down the time of death of the wearer. The question is, what happens to the person wearing it when the battery dies?

Microsoft has unveiled an app for gift cards for purchases on its digital content market. The most poplar request so far is for another operating system besides Windows 8.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Well, my Dodgers finally lost in six games to the dreaded Cards. I guess it’s Go Sox! for now. I’ll just lick my wounds and wait til next year. Don’t make me wait that long to send the love!