How to deal with this shame?

I started working on my self love and I've been doing great until today. I felt really ashamed of myself. My relationship broke a month ago and I tried to save it. That is what I am ashamed of. My ex broke up with me and although she said clearly that it is over, I was trying to give her good enough reasons not to end it. I was even ready to wait for her to develop feelings for me again, no matter how much it could take. She didn't change her mind at all, as she said, she has done. I feel ashamed of myself for that. I feel ashamed for being the weak one, trying to patch things up, doing whatever it takes in order to save a relationship instead of being strong and stable and just let it go or even end it first. For things to be even worse, she's almost 3 years younger than me and that kicks me even harder. Someone younger already being at that point and I, as an older partner, am not. She's 20 and she's handling it like a pro, she was the one who ended the relationship in the first place, and I, a 23 years old, wasn't even able to have enough self respect to just say "Ok, bye" and just move on. I'm sick of being that weak ass wipe and turning into one whenever I develop feelings for a partner. I'm a man and I should be acting as one, and not just anyone, like a really powerful one. Of course, this experience will ring in my head as long as I'm alive and it will be a constant reminder to never hold onto people, but what I want to know now is how to deal with the intense feeling of shame. I feel like she turned out to be more of a man than me and it's horrible. I don't want to always be the weak, pathetic one in a relationship of any kind. It's not me and it should have never been me . To make things even funnier, I was like she is and even more "powerful" regarding those things when I was younger, even younger than she is now (She's turning 21 in December). I used to be like that at 19, barely 20. Now that raises the question, why would my Inner Being let me take a fall that low and live like the exact opposite, which is what I've been doing while in a relationship with her? It seems like the relationships turn me into a coward which is the exact opposite of who I am and I despise it. I don't see a point there. If there was a lesson to be learned, I could learn it while being more stable and complete, it didn't have to turn me into a little bitch in order to teach me.I already learned that when I was younger. There really wasn't a real need for me to go through this at this age, it feels like being crippled. Besides, look at her, she stayed stable and knew how to love herself enough to just cut me off and shut her feelings down in a second. That's what I'm talking about. That used to be me. And because I see myself there, but not playing that role, that is why it hurts so much.

Replies to This Discussion

Hey, I just read your post and I wanted to give you some insight. I'm actually 24 years old, and I know the pain you've went through. I messed up my last relationship too. There were some circumstances within my case though, but that's not important. What you need to know is that there is NOTHING wrong that you are doing. Processing emotions, going through the grief, is a natural process. You don't have to turn off your emotions in order to be strong. In fact, the fact that you are processing this pain, not ignoring is telling of your own STRENGTH. There is nothing wrong with emotions and feeling how you are.

Two years ago, when I went through my break up, I completely broke in two. That was the lowest I had felt in a long time. I didn't know who I was anymore and I hated myself. I had tried, a lot of times, to contact the guy I loved and make up for what I did. But they went unanswered. I was depressed for months. I was so desperate to have him back and I would have done anything. I had to grieve for that relationship like a death. It took me a year to recover and another to grow my independence and self-worth for myself and have a relationship with me. It took me a while to make sense of what had happened and to learn on what I needed to do next time for when I am dating again.

Besides, don't think you are "older". You're not that much older from her and trust me, we 20 year olds still have things to learn. LOL. Anyway, just wanted to let you know. This time could be used to search yourself. To find the version of you that you want to be. Take your time and don't stress.

Thanks for replying, it's very kind of you. I'm glad to hear that you're doing good now.

You see, the problem with my situation is not that I had feelings. It's that I didn't know how to be above them instead letting them be above me. About three weeks before the breakup, me and my ex had a fight. She complained about me in that fight a lot, told me some really serious stuff and it all pointed at me as the one who is responsible for the relationship falling apart. We didn't break up that day simply because she was on a vacation with her mom an sister, so she didn't want to end things over the internet, she wanted to do it face to face. We didn't see each other live for next three weeks. I spent those three weeks stressing over the situation, thinking day and night about it, trying to work on myself vibrationally and find any possible way to make things work. She on the other hand, stopped contacting me and lived her life to the fullest. I'm not kidding. She decided the moment we had a fight that she won't allow that situation to ruin even an hour of her time, let's not talk about anything bigger than that. That is one part of the problem. It's that she was able to just move on instantly, like nothing happened and live her life absolutely normal, and I on the other hand, lost my shit over it instead of being strong and stable like she is. The bigger problem is that I used to be like she is now when I was, as I mentioned in the post, even younger then she is now. That hits even harder, realizing that I could do it as a kid when I was supposed to make mistakes, and now, when I'm adult and should be acting like that, I make those childish mistakes. She found a new partner after just two weeks after the breakup and they're together for almost a month now. That's how in control she is. Now comes the even worse part of the problem. This is not something that happens for the first time. It happened with my previous relationships. It was always me that gets dumped and it was always me trying to fix things up and being afraid of it all ending, and on the other side girls that have been more male in that moment than I was. Now, check this out, this is going to be good. I realized that when my relationship with last girl before my current ex ended and said to myself that it won't happen again. I was aware of it very well. And then, when I started this last relationship I even reminded myself of it, just to be alert. But after some time it's like I forgot that it ever happened. I turned into that horrible little bitch without even noticing. It all happened all over again. As I mentioned in the post, I don't see why did my Inner being drop me that low, I already learned that when I was younger. There really wasn't a real need for me to go through this at this age, it feels like being crippled. Besides, look at her, she stayed stable and knew how to love herself enough to just cut me off and shut her feelings down in a second. That's what I'm talking about. That used to be me. And because I see myself there, but not playing that role, that is why it hurts so much.

Your Inner Being doesn’t do it, you feel that way when you focus on the lack of what you want. Law of Attraction gives you what you focus on. Your Inner Being holds you up in the highest regard, empowering you and focused on what you want. You have the freedom to judge yourself but your Inner Being will never do that. Whenever you feel negative emotion they are there with you reminding you to come back to who you are. They know you always can come into alignment and allow what you want.

Then why would I fall down from being strong and stable to being the weak and soft excuse for a living being ? I didn't think about that until today, but it's really defeating when I connect it all as I did in the post and the reply I wrote on Mallie's comment. I never wanted to become anything near that. I have a clear picture of what kind of person I want to be in every aspect, and then something like this happens... you get my point...

You offer resistance to feeling strong when you judge anything as bad, judge yourself and focus on lack of strength, lack of feeling loved and accepted, lack of appreciation, lack of everything working out for you and lack of better-feeling emotions.

Understand that shame is a toxic gift you give yourself through your unconcious and concious programming.

You are creating the narrative, the story, that induces these feelings of shame.

If you can reframe it, you can change your experience of it.

As a starting point, Maya Angelou famously said "Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better".

So you did the best you could at the time. Now you know differently, you can do differently. Let yourself off the hook for the past and just focus on doing the best you can right now.

In break-ups, one member often does better than an other (and generally it's the one that calls time), simply because they had already come to a place of peace or acceptance with the choice they were making. Whereas the other is playing catch up and is less prepared.

But you are telling yourself a story that keeps you trapped in feeling bad "I was older, I should have been better, more in control". "I'm older, I should be able to shake this off" etc etc.

What if you changed that self talk to something better. "I just wasn't prepared. And I'm frustrated because I don't think I gave her my best self... but it is what it is... I understand and respect her choice and I will take the lessons with me to the next relationship".

It's not necessarily going to be one conversation in your head but you do have to commit to reframing the thoughts as you become aware of them. That's where mantras and affirmations can help "I wish her well and thank her for the lesson" and then feel the love by focussing on the lesson and what you are taking from it, rather than the outcome of breaking up.

Understand the law of attraction is at it's essence about the stories we tell ourselves and choosing narratives that help rather than hinder. Events will happen to us, the stories we build about them will define our experience of what comes next. Your current story isn't helping you. Reframe it so that it does.

I get your point. I know about reframing. I also look at the situation as you described I should. It's just not that she taught me the lesson, she was more of a messenger sent to me from the Universe, because I knew all that stuff already, I just suppressed it somewhere in my mind and needed to be reminded of it.

About me being older, it's not just that she is younger. The real problem is that I knew all that. I knew it when I was 19. The real question is, why did it happen to me to forget it and have to relearn it now, instead of just keeping the knowledge I gained the first time.

I'd like to give reply to what you wrote. I know that our emotions are the most perfect spiritual compass we could take assistance from. Of course that we're not supposed to feel good all the time, I mean, there is a wide specter of emotions for a reason, we're meant to feel them all and take guidance from experiencing them, so feeling bad is not end of the world, it could actually be an alert from within that something has to be taken care of.

I felt weak because I was the one that was broken after the relationship, she wasn't. I look at that as not having full connection with myself emotionally, not being stable. If I were, I would simply accept it as it is and just continue to live a full life, like she did. I know it takes courage to reach for love, but the fact is, I took all my self love and redirected it towards her, which is something she also told me I shouldn't do.

As for my Inner Being, it confused me with this. I'm not even mad about it, I'm really confused. You see, all that stuff that I'm going through now, I went through and knew back when I was 19. I can recognize this feeling, that's why I'm saying it. So simply said, it taught me that once, but then, for I don't know what reason, it's like it erased it from my mind and now I'm learning again what I have already known before. I don't see the point behind it, that's why the age is bothering me. Ok, I learned it at 19, why couldn't I just strengthen and improve that knowledge over these past 4 years instead of forgetting it and having to relearn it all over again. Just imagine how far would I reach if I never regressed.

As for learning a lesson, I can't view it as a lesson entirely, simply because it's something I already knew. I could see this experience as the Universe sending me a messenger to give me a message in order to remind me of all that stuff. I did not include the details, but the relationship wasn't so much one sided. It was beautiful until I started to lose self confidence and self love. She's very spiritual, so she noticed it and tried to help me awaken my self love. It all actually got complicated because I didn't have any love for myself and she started viewing me as dependent on her, she claimed to feel like "an emotional teacher" to me. After 2 months of talking and trying to bring it all out of me, she started to feel smothered by me and claimed that the relationship started to drain her emotionally and energetically. She said that she's breaking up with me because "She invested her energy in me believing that I will make a progress to at least reach the zero on the scale, going to plus would be easy then, but I didn't even move from the minus." and that "She lost herself by trying to save me. She tried to save me, but instead, I pulled her down to drown with me." And now, from the perspective of a person that possesses self love, I can't blame her. I wouldn't feel comfortable in a relationship with me from that period either. Although, I'm the type of person that just refuses to give up on others, I would stick until that person finds a way to rise, but as kind as it sounds, it may not be a good thing, maybe I should redefine with myself when it's worth to stick and when to walk away. The point is, she did love me, don't think that she didn't, but the things that I wrote happened.

Oh, trust me, she wasn't faking it. I've met some people in my life that are able to cut others off like it's nothing, She did tell me that it affected her and that she "needed a recovery", not from breakup, but from the relationship, because it "drained" her. If she was suffering, she wouldn't be able to end the relationship and start a new one within 2 weeks. I used to be able to cut people off in a second, and that's what's making me feel bad now, because I seem to be unable to do that now. Also, I'm furious at myself for still feeling uncomfortable when I see her on the internet, it gives me the feeling like I'm unable to control myself and get over things. No matter what it is and how big things got, I'm the person that gets over it in a week at the most. It's always been like that. And now, it's almost a month and a half after the breakup and I'm still experiencing that uncomfortable feeling. I'm feeling disappointed in myself because of that, because I've always had absolute control over my emotions and now it's like I'm not even able to control myself. It feels defeating. Yes, I know, I should change my point of attention and focus on good things instead, but that would be pushing the problem under the carpet. My emotions belong to me and no other person should be able to get them moving unless I allow them to.

To make things a bit more complicated, listen to this. I focused on transforming my life in an amazing way in past 2 weeks and it's been going really well, I've even seen some really great signs of it in last 3 days and then there's that feeling. That gets me thinking about how I'm not able to have full control over myself and it takes some time to get back to being me. I read a quote, something like "The Universe always gives you what you want, but then it test you, to see if you're worthy of it". And I'm imagining if this bad feeling is the test from the Universe, since it started giving me the stuff that I want.

I know I may be annoying with my talk, I really don't want to be that guys that gets more and more negative while people are trying to teach him the truth, but this I write is just what I'm seeing from this situation.

Thank you for replying and being patient with me, best of luck, happy manifesting :)