Herb McIntosh, Florida forecast specialist for the Weather Channel, agreed, gauging it “much more likely than not that a sexual innuendo will be made by Saturday afternoon, just in time for tourists to deplane and strip down for the fun.”

Not everyone was optimist for the sexually suggestive weather, however. Steve Mencheimer, of WLRN, Miami’s NPR station, suggested that all the hot weather talk of was “a little premature.” In his blog, Sunny Daze, Mencheimer advised that, while it’s possible to see some really steamy beach weather in time for the tourist rush, “I wouldn’t be surprised if the day droops and dumps some cold water on everyone’s party.”

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Atlanta, GEORGIA—In a report issued today by the Centers for Disease Control, the nation’s top pain and suffering experts confirmed that somewhere, somehow, something will probably sting you before you die.

The report, widely expected yet still shocking, painted a stark picture of a sting-prone culture fundamentally lacking in sting awarenes. While the report gauged it “about 60% likely you will be stung, depending on where you live and how active you are,” more alarming is the breadth of stinging things included in the report’s findings.

“Everyone knows about bees, wasps, and jellyfish,” said Dr. J. Harlan Levy, chief stingentologist for Bnai Israel Hospital in Bethesda, Maryland, and co-author of the report. “And odds are, one of them will sting you.”

But, Dr. Levy cautioned, few of us are aware of the high prevalence in our lives of entities with equally painful stinging potential. Jalapenos, for instance. According the Dr. Levy, “you cut them up for a salsa and then go and take your contacts out, and bam—that stings like a sonofabitch.”

Among the report’s other lesser-known stinging entities are:

• Ants

• Electric eels

• Ground balls

• Curt emails

• Parental belts

• Fraternity paddles

• Nettles

• Sea nettles

• Undercover FBI agents

• Theater critics

• Forgetting your safe word

• Spilled hydrochloric acid for some reason

• Little icy bits in the wind

• Your conscience

• Band-Aid removals

• Unfortunate lemon juice

• Nurses

• Belief in the Cubs

“We should all be on guard against each of these hazardous annoyances,” Dr. Levy urged. “Unless you want to get stung. Which you probably will.” The report points to disproportional risk for minority groups, as well, such as African Americans and police mace, or Mexicans and rubber bullets.

Vigilance is key, agreed CDC Spokesperson Von Roebuck said. To illustrate his point, Roebuck offered a frightening scenario: “You’re sitting in an airport watching CNN while you wait to board a plane, and suddenly, out of nowhere and without any real reason at all, Anderson Cooper interviews Sting. Why would CNN do such a thing? What possible relevance or usefulness could there be for it? We don’t know, but there you have it. You’re stung.”

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Your House, YOUR STATE—Okay, listen up. Here’s how this thing’s going to go down. I scream you. I scream you awake. I scream you pick me up. I scream you hold me. I scream you put me down.

PICK ME UP PICK ME UP PICK ME UP! What were you thinking? Remind me to scream you about that later.

I scream you no apparent reason. You’d like a reason, wouldn’t you? Well there is none. But I scream you anyway.

I scream you my binky. I scream you put it in my mouth. There, was that so hard.

Ope, binky fell out. Did you see the GODDAM BINKY FELL OUT? What kind of parent are you? Can’t keep a binky in a baby’s mouth.

I’m hot. I’m HOTTTTTTTTTTTTT! And I MIGHT BE HUNGRY!

You need to do something here. I won’t even tell you what it is. Fucking do it! Do this thing now! This mystery thing must be done NOWWWWWWWWWWWW!

Hold on, I need to breathe.

Okay, now, now, NOW WHERE WAS I? Oh yes, screaming you.

Did you check my diaper? You should check it. Don’t sniff it. CHECK IT! CHECK MY DIAPER! But that’s not the problem. Oh no. You have no fucking idea what the problem is. I scream you now. I SCREAM YOU TO DO SOMETHING!

Make your head hurt? Raise your blood pressure? I screamed both them.

I don’t want to eat. I scream you to TAKE THIS NIPPLE AWAY! I scream you. I totally scream you right now to take this nipple away.

I scream you deadly diseases. I scream you colic and croup and acid reflux. I scream you lazy eye and I scream you to the ER. I scream you fever and reactions to the vaccinations you gave me, for which I also screamed you.

Okay, I was hungry after all. Now I want to sleep. Yes, I will sleep. Why don’t you trust me? Put me down in the bassinet. There, I’ll just lay here. Now, now guess what.

I SCREAM YOU GET ME OUT OF THIS BASSINET! Did you hear that through the monitor? Did you hear me scream you?

I scream you all night, if I have to. I scream you to the whiskey bottle. I scream your neighbors to child social services.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Chicago, ILLINOIS—It was reported today that local freelance Chad Ferrier, 32, was gaining both acclaim and notoriety at advertising agencies across this city for his equal passions of copywriting and check cashing. Many clients of the one-time Senior Copywriter at RR Donnelley speak of him asboth “relentless in his pursuit of excellence for your brand” and “a guy you can count on to cash your check the day he gets it in the mail.”

The attention is generating industry buzz. Yet it’s also causing Ferrier, shown at left engrossed in his work, a fair amount of distress, sources close to the advertising superstar are saying. “His home life is suffering,” said Paulette Wilson, account supervisor for Killian and Company and someone close to Ferrier. “He’s always either honing copy, or headed to the bank.”

Ferrier is known for his insightful, market-savvy, and creative approach to copywriting and as the rare find in a freelancer—one who approaches the brands he is working on with the passion of an in-house writer. “He’s never satisfied with lackluster headlines or brand-shallow content,” said fellow freelancer Marc DuPont, a designer, “and he abhors direct deposit.”

Scottsdale, ARIZONA—The Dial Corporation, a subsidiary of Henkel International and producer of the beloved Twenty Mule Team Borax brand, will slice a critical division of its workforce in half, according to sources close to the company. The sources, who requested anonymity due to the sensitivity of the information, claim Dial has been devastated by a “perfect storm” of international credit woes, souring consumer confidence, and high grain prices leading to skyrocketing costs for mule feed.

Sources inside the layoff planning produced photos of the brainstorming process. One such photo, above, shows executives concepting a new version of the brand with its diminished workforce.

By the company’s own numbers, sales for the 100-year-old brand of borax detergent have been dim. But few were expecting such a sweeping corporate response. Neither Dial nor parent company Henkel North America offered comment. A hastily produced press release offered no insight, except to laud “our wonderful mules” and how Borax would never be the same without them. Cryptically, the press release noted that “our competitors on the whole have much fewer mules, some of them no mules at all.”

It was not immediately clear which mules would be let go, or if there would be a severance package. Henkel employs over 8,000 people in North America alone, at least some of them presumably wondering if they would be sharing the 10 mules’ fate.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Chicago, ILLINOIS—Buoyed by the presidential election, millions of poor, disadvantaged, and hungry children are growing increasingly excited about the Obama relief effort surely underway to alleviate their suffering, aid groups who work with the urban poor said today. Children here in Obama’s hometown, as well as those in urban centers across the nation, are giddy from the election of a community organizer, an African-American, and a man whose family was once on food stamps. Though they admit that the giddiness could be from lack of nutrition, experts agree that the children are abuzz with news of food, aid, and opportunity.

“I heard Obama brought oatmeal and Kit Kats to Cabrini,” said Ricky Gates, 10, referring to the Chicago public housing Cabrini Green. “And the Kit Kats had golden tickets in them for everyone to go shopping for free!” Ricky, who lives in Chicago’s Southside, inferred it was only a matter of time before Obama got to him.

Another Chicago youth, Tyrel Amanadou, 11, declared that “ain’t no way” Senator Obama would get elected president and “not get us some help up in here.” Tyrel added that he was “still scared of Thug,” referring to a pit bull chained in the basement, and that he wassure Obama would do something about that situation too.

Marta Fairhouser, director of the Chicago food shelf First Resort, said she shares the children’s excitement. “Obama in the White House and children still going without? It’s unthinkable.” Fairhouser did acknowledge the children’s zeal might be premature. “It just might not come until inauguration day,” she said, “but the relief trucks are probably being stocked ahead of time so that on Jan 20, it’s go time.”

As for little Tyrel, he has big plans for himself that include “being president of something,” as soon as he gets himself a drug-free home, a decent place to go to school, and a bullet proof vest. “But it all begins with Obama,” he concluded, sitting in a chair where he can look out the window, where he plans to stay until the trucks arrive.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Don’t give me that look bitch. All fat and like 30, and hatin on my cleavage. My cleavage ain’t the problem here. What you doin at a Gnarls Barkley show anyway? Snackin, that’s what. So take your evil eye and better walk on home, or else. Because you know I could steal your man for at least four or five days.

Probably longer.

Men be men, and they like what I got and what you don’t. Like a dental hygiene degree from Metro Tech. Oh, and also my smoking hot Bally Fitness bod and tramp stamp right above my tight little ass. Where’s your tramp stamp? Probably on your forehead, from the girly magazine your husband has to lays over your face so he can do his business on you. Fact, honey: he’s lookin at someone who look just like me. Only not skanky.

Do you know what I could do for your man? I sure as hell ain’t gonna nag him and make him call me every ten minutes about the “honey do” list. Not unless on the “honey do” list is me. I’d be on top of the list, like I’d be on top of him.

He’d come like ten times in one night. That’s why he’d be back for at least three more nights. Then I don’t want his sorry ass around anyway—I just do it to show you who’s boss here: my wrinkle free stomach and pretty blue eyes and coal black hair and my little sexy nose.

I party, too, like your man used to before he met you and got chained to the kitchen sink. I’ll do a sex on the beach shot with him—then I’d do another, and this time hold the beach.

You know he’s lookin at me too. Even if he’s holdin your hand, and pretending to listen to you blab about why you feel fat—he’s still lookin at me, like when he takes a drink or says nothin’ botherin him. There is something bothering him—his chubby down in his pants from lookin at me. And that’s how I steal him, by just being sexy, which you can’t be.

Or I might just give him a handjob in the porta-potty.

You’ll be all cryin and screaming and making a scene. You’ll throw his stuff in the yard, but who you kiddin? You’ll take him back, but you’ll be sad for the rest of your life.

Well you shouldn’t have looked at me like that.

And even when he come home after I kick his sorry ass out, it won’t ever be the same for you. You’ll be all lookin at wedding pictures and wondering, “How could he do it?” Well, I’ll know how he did it, because I’ll be there—and he’ll be doin it to me. For four or five days straight.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Prescott, ARIZONA—In what Senator John McCain is calling the “upset of the 20th century,” his campaign is claiming victory tonight over longtime rival and former governor of New York, Thomas E. Dewey.

“We sure showed them what a comeback looks like,” said a beaming McCain in front of cheering crowd at his outdoor rally cum victory party. “In Chicago, they even printed up the newspapers putting me in the political graveyard. Not so fast!”

The upset was of monumental proportions, as no national or even state poll had McCain ahead of Dewey. It was as if the race was completely off the national media’s radar altogether.

McCain’s top campaign advisor, Steve Schmidt, was far from magnanimous in the victory. “The straight talk express does it again,” he told stunned reporters. “We got more votes than this guy, fair and square.”

In other national election news, Senator Barack Obama was well on his way to becoming the next president of the United States.

Monday, November 3, 2008

Barack Obama exuded a frontrunner’s confidence today, telling a Virginia crowd that “nowhere in history is there any event that even slightly suggests we won’t win this thing.” The Democrat then told the huge crowd of supporters, estimated at 100,000 or more, to go and vote if they could find the time but not to break their backs about it, and then to “get home and chill that champagne, cuz it’s in the bag people.”

McCain: Fine, I Don’t Want It Anyway

Republican John McCain told a Florida crowd today that if the country was going to be that way he would just go home then, and that “I was just faking all along that I even wanted it.” McCain told the seemingly stunned crowd that if they loved Obama so much why didn’t they just marry him and have six kids and live in the White House happily ever after? “Yep,” McCain wrapped up his speech, “I’m right where I want to be: angry, bitter, and headed home for a nap.”

Biden: Obama “Sho Is” the Best Candidate

Saying he has particular respect for how Obama “treated his grandmammy,” Biden praised the Illinois Senator as his “brother from another mother” and said an Obama/Biden White House would be no jive, very clean and well-spoken, and shit, dog.

Palin: Even the King of France Agrees

Republican Vice-Presidential candidate told an Ohio crowd that she had talked with the King of France, that he was really very nice, and that he agreed Obama was a socialist terrorist. “That nice king called all the way from Montreal to speak his mind,” Governor Palin said to the cheering crowd. “Kinda makes ya, you know, think a little, huh?”

Guilliani: 3 + 6 = 9, and You Know What 9 Goes With!

Former New York mayor and McCain supporter Rudy Guilliani fired up a Pennsylvania rally this morning with a strong national security message. “I was in a 7-11 today,” Guilliani said, “and boy you add 2 to that 7? With Obama in the White House? No sir.”

Hilary Clinton: There Could Still Be an Assassination

Mrs. Clinton told a Wisconsin rally she was “just saying” that some nutjob could get at Obama, and then, you know, the sound of that tragedy would be like 18,000,000 cracks in the glass ceiling crashing down. “It might even come after the election, and I could get the 3 A.M. call. Brrrrrring brrrrring.” The Senator then looked over her notes a moment, reached beneath the podium, and produced a flask. “Crown Royal anyone?”

Al Franken: It’s Not About Me or My Balls

Minnesota’s Democratic challenger, facing down a feisty incumbent Norm Coleman as well as a surprisingly strong independent Dean Barkley, said at the race’s final debate last night, “It’s about the middle class, not about why Senator Coleman’s hands are massaging my balls.” Franken, the former comedian turned political activist, added that “Homo says what?” To which Coleman replied, “What?”

Ted Stevens: Alaskans Must Unite Against Outsiders by Drinking from the Jug That’s Being Passed Around

Alaska Senator and convicted felon Ted Stevens told a passionately adoring crowd that “the signs are at hand, and outsiders are approaching in their helicopters.” The senator’s speech, broadcast over the state’s loudspeaker system, urged Alaskans to make one final act of defiance and take a big drink from the jug that that would be coming their way soon enough. “Mothers,” the Senator said, “don’t cry, don’t make it worse for your children. Be strong to that we can do this together. Uncle Ted commands you!”

Elizabeth Dole: I Put the ‘God’ in ‘Godless’

The Republican incumbent senator stepped up her criticism of challenger Kay Hagan, citing alleged backdoor meetings and money transfers between Hagan and a PAC known as Godless Americans. Dole told a small rally that “she knows where God belongs—in every headline across North Carolina, right before the word ‘less.’” Mrs. Dole said “Godless godless godless, so godless godless. Kay Hagan godless godless.”

Thursday, October 30, 2008

A Crapload of Places, US—The 2008 elections have engendered a saturated media environment obsessed with the presidential election and Democrats’ chances of picking up a filibuster-proof Senate. Lost in the blizzard of coverage are some very important ballot initiatives in several states. Here are some of the sometimes surprising issues voters will be deciding across the United States on November 4.

Idaho: Second Life Initiative

Gives unborn fetuses the right to bear arms.

Supporters: Men.

Chances of passing: 100%

Sticking points: Legal scholars uncertain if fetus has subsequent right to shoot abortion doctor in self-defense.

New Jersey: Proposition Threesomething

This controversial measure asks the state to have a three-way with the waitress. Only, you know, if you’re into it.

Supporters: Those really pushing their luck.

Chances of passing: Depends on how drunk state is.

Sticking points: Waitress known to have slept with Rhode Island.

Massachusetts: Proposition 69

Prop 69 is actually a measure to fund parks and trails restoration, with particular focus on the Berkshires, but neither proponents nor detractors seem to care.

Supporters: Both partners.

Chances of passing: Pleasurably high.

Sticking points: Much debate over whether “it actually works” or if “someone ends up with an awkward angle and can’t enjoy it.”

Arkansas: Measure 2

Measure 2 would tap state monies to fund education for the next ten years at levels guaranteed to keep class sizes limited to 25 students or fewer.

Supporters: Fuckin communists.

Chances of passing: Over many, many dead bodies.

Sticking points: We just gave those kids some money five fuckin years ago, plus the principals are all fags.

Ohio: Initiative 50/50

Locally called the “Split the Difference” Initiative, this measure would once and for all clear up all controversial social issues: Gays can marry but only after a 30-day waiting period to make sure they aren’t just doing it for the sex; abortions are legal in the first trimester but the woman must spend a night in a spooky house on the same block that a sexual predator lives on (the predator must give the block notice if he's going to attack the fetus); handguns are illegal except in the defense of semiautomatic weapons; affirmative action is banned except in professional sports; and taxes can be raised but only for education, and every affected child has to say a prayer in school first, and it has to be a real prayer, not just for ice cream or a Wii or something.

Supporters: Independents.

Chances of passing: Currently 50-50.

Sticking points: What would we get mad about anymore?

Oregon: Right to Lifetime Healthcare

A progressive initiative declaring that healthcare begins at conception.

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