Family must be told of his drug abuse

Wednesday

May 30, 2007 at 12:01 AMMay 30, 2007 at 10:10 AM

Carolyn: My marriage is headed for divorce. My spouse is involved with abuse of prescription drugs. Do I let my spouse's family know of the abuse so they can be on watch, or will they think I am an angry, resentful ex? There are children involved whom I don't want alienated by my in-laws.

Carolyn: My marriage is headed for divorce. My spouse is involved with abuse of prescription drugs. Do I let my spouse's family know of the abuse so they can be on watch, or will they think I am an angry, resentful ex? There are children involved whom I don't want alienated by my in-laws.

-- Ohio

Dear Ohio: Are your in-laws on the defensive? And if so, have they always been like that, or did you put them there?

If it's their standard reaction to receive bad news with their dukes up -- and punish innocent kids for it -- then there's some insight into your spouse's problem. It's also a warning to shield your children by enlisting the help of

an envoy.

Think of the one person in your spouse's family whom you know to be more reasonable -- there's always one, isn't there? -- and tell that person. Explain, too, your reasons for sharing the matter this way. Absolute transparency is the only card you can play.

If, on the other hand, their history with you would be the cause of their skepticism, then you need to acknowledge that history. In other words: Eat dirt. Make it clear you wouldn't blame them for suspecting ulterior motives, but that, given the serious circumstances, you hope they choose instead to trust you. Again, transparency is your only play.

I say that because silence isn't a real choice. Continued, unmonitored drug abuse would put your spouse and children at risk of physical harm; that trumps the emotional risk.

Hi, Carolyn: I have a question that has been bugging me for a long time: How do you help friends talk about something difficult without risking the possibility that if you hadn't brought it up, they never would have had that difficult thought in the first place?

For example: My best friend recently went into early labor. I know that many women in this situation would (unfairly) blame themselves for a premature birth. If my friend is feeling that, it's something I think she would want to talk about, and I want to make it easier for her by bringing it up. If she isn't feeling that, however, I certainly don't want to send the message that she should be.

I often find that many months later, friends bring up topics that I was afraid to raise, and then I wish I had been there for them at the time. Thoughts?

-- Trying To Be a Good Friend

Dear Trying: The trick of raising difficult issues is to be comfortable doing it.

It isn't your only option, though, which is fortunate given how few of us are naturals at it. You can also have the tact not to raise these things, and instead establish yourself as someone who is there, who listens, who doesn't judge, and who chips away at the kind of fear that makes people keep to themselves. As they trust you more, they can come to you on their own.

Or not. Maybe the most important thing you can do is trust them and recognize that sometimes people deal with things in their own way, in their own time, and appreciate friends who don't push.