Wednesday, June 11, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A $300,000 Lamborghini was found abandoned and on fire after crashing into the George Washington Bridge in New Jersey. Authorities are baffled. How did Chris Christie ever manage to fit inside a Lamborghini?

The CDC reports that 10% of all Americans have diabetes. If nothing else, it is the perfect ice breaker for talking to the person next to them in line at McDonald’s.

A mysterious brain illness is causing terrifying outbursts and violent behavior. Or it could have been just losing his primary election that caused House Majority Leader Eric Cantor to go off.

House Majority Leader Eric Cantor lost his bid for reelection to a primary opponent. Ironically, if Cantor had done more to get a jobs bill passed through the House he wouldn’t be wondering where his next paycheck will be coming from in January.

A mysterious brain illness is causing terrifying outbursts and violent behavior. It is tentatively being called “Mel Gibson’s Disease.”

A Seattle doctor has had his license suspended for sexting during surgery. Hospital officials became suspicious when he quit wearing scrubs and instead started showing up for work wearing one of those open backed hospital gowns.

A Seattle doctor has had his license suspended for sexting during surgery. At least we know what Hawkeye Pierce would be like if “M*A*S*H” were set during the war in Iraq.

Arlington, Virginia has banned charity car washes. Apparently the mayor’s wife caught him at a car wash getting a hand wash from a bikini clad woman named Charity.

Cisco predicts that videos will be 84% of Internet traffic by 2018. The other 16% will be just still pictures of naked women.

Cisco predicts that videos will be 84% of Internet traffic by 2018. So when the Internet crashes from overload, people will just have to be satisfied watching the videos they took of their own cat playing the piano and hamster eating a cracker.

Miami Heat guard Norris Cole’s personal chef was shot and killed at a South Beach nightclub. Apparently he was about to be fired anyway for serving a meal to the whole team before Game 3 that caused everyone to choke.

China is reportedly going to deport a “pork artist” who uses ground pork to make political art. Apparently he is hoping to be sent to the U.S. as anyone who is that adept with pork can always find work with someone in Congress.

Doctors say an Alzheimer’s Disease test that is being offered by Rite Aid pharmacies doesn’t work well. People fail the test when they come to pick up their medications at Rite Aid and their prescription account is with Walgreens.

A swim ban was lifted after a shark swarm shut down an Alabama beach this week. It was the first time some locals had ever seen anything like that. Creatures that had a full set of teeth.

St. Louis Archbishop Robert Carlson says that during the 1980s he was was “not sure” he knew that sex abuse with children was a crime. Although he was aware that a woman using birth control was going to go straight to Hell.

St. Louis Archbishop Robert Carlson says that during the 1980s he was was “not sure” he knew that sex abuse with children was a crime. Apparently he didn’t think the part in the Ten Commandments where it said not to covet your neighbor’s goods referred to their kids.

The federal government has declared the New Mexico meadow jumping mouse to be endangered. It must be rare. How many meadows can their even be in New Mexico?

Goldman Sachs CEO Lloyd Blankfein says income inequality is destabilizing. Apparently it’s hard to have a lot of close friends when you are the only one who is flying your private jet to a private villa on the French Riviera for the weekend.

Goldman Sachs CEO Lloyd Blankfein says income inequality is destabilizing. Meaning that people get more than a little angry when you are drawing a $23 Million a year salary by running a company that made huge profits while helping collapse the global economy.

A study says that four in ten Millennials are overwhelmed by debt. The good news is that since they are in their 30s, they have another 60s years to work to try to get out of the red.

Donald Sterling’s lawyer says the 80 year old owner of the Clippers was being “singled out” by the NBA. No one had any idea there was more than one team owner who was a womanizing slumlord who makes racist statements to their girlfriends.

United Airlines has announced sweeping changes to its frequent fliers program. Meaning that anyone not part of the program will have to help sweep out the plane between flights.

United Airlines has announced sweeping changes to its frequent fliers program. Aviation experts were shocked. There are people who fly more than once on United?

Ford and Heinz say they will make some car parts from ketchup byproducts. That’s nothing new. Ford has been trying for years to ketchup to Toyota, Hyundai and GM.

Ford and Heinz say they will make some car parts from ketchup byproducts. The only strange part would be going to the auto parts store and being given a tail light cover that comes inside a condiment package.

The IRS has unveiled a taxpayers “Bill of Rights.” Which is pretty much the same as it has always been, taxpayers have the right to pay their bill.

The IRS has unveiled a taxpayers “Bill of Rights.” Which pretty much says until you have paid your tax bill, you are wrong.

GM is developing a financial fallout estimate from their recent recalls. Which will come out to the amount of money they have lost through bad publicity and lawsuits versus how much the government will give them for their next bailout.

New online startups will make restaurant reservations for a fee. Which means for a mere $20 people can be relieved from the arduous task of making a phone call.

New online startups will make restaurant reservations for a fee. The next innovation will be a site that charges $10 to figure out how much to tip.

A study says that brightly decorated kindergarten classrooms are a distraction. Mostly because when you are dealing with five year olds, a discarded fingernail is a distraction.

A study says that when negotiating to buy a new car it’s best to have an angry expression. Which means if you are buying a GM car to imagine how you will feel the twelfth time you bring your vehicle in to the dealer for the latest recall.

A study says that when trying to get someone to do something it’s best to have an angry expression. Or as we already call that, being a parent.

British researchers say they have genetically engineered mosquitos to produce only male offspring which could wipe out the species. Except for the males who couple up and decide to adopt.

British researchers say they have genetically engineered mosquitos to produce only male offspring which could wipe out the species. Or they could have gotten the same result with a lot less trouble by just swatting them.

Twin boys in Boston were delivered 24 days apart. How bad is it going to be for her husband when most men cringe at having to listen to their wives guilt trip them about going through labor for three hours?

A study says that carrying cellphones in their pocket may be hurting men’s sperm. Which is not a big deal, especially for men who spend so much time looking at their cellphones they never actually get any dates.

The American Medical Association says that cheerleading should be designated as a sport. As opposed to the current status where high school boys just consider cheerleaders a sport.

A poll says a majority of Americans say they are not overweight and are not trying to lose any weight. Which means obesity is not the nation’s number one health problem anymore. It has been replaced by being in denial.

Mona Freeman, the first “Miss Subways” has died at age 87. Ironically, people at the nursing home she was living at complained she never changed her adult diaper and always smelled like urine.

An Arizona couple has pleaded not guilty to robbing Miley Cyrus of jewelry and a Maserati from her California home. No one would have cared if they would have just taken that Teddy outfit she wears while twerking on stage.

Keira Knightley says that “The Voice” judge Adam Levine plays the role of a jerk in a movie very well. As a talent show judge it was very easy. All he did was channel his best Simon Cowell.

Kris Jenner says she doesn’t care that Beyonce and Jay Z were no shows at daughter Kim Kardashian’s wedding. In fact, Jenner would have preferred that Kim and Kanye West didn’t show up either because they got in the way of her getting all the attention.

Olympic ice dancing medalists Charlie White and Tanith Belbin announced their engagement. Winter Olympics experts were shocked. There is a male ice dancer who is straight?

Dale Earnhardt, Jr. says he paid off his first speeding ticket by working at a gas station. Which taught him a valuable lesson in that if you drive fast, you work at a gas station. If you drive even faster, you own the gas stations.

Donald Sterling says NBA officials are a “band of hypocrites and bullies.” Imagine someone having the nerve to try to tell a billionaire sports owner to stop being a racist.

Scientific tests have verified the authenticity of a Rembrandt self portrait that could be worth up to $50 Million. Mostly because the scientists doing the testing were promised some of the $50 Million.

Goal line technology is in place at the World Cup that will help officials determine whether or not the ball entered the goal. It could be used to officially verify all three goals that are scored during the event.

Consumer warnings are being issued for people using their cellphones and credit cards at the World Cup. Although the warning most people should really pay attention to is to make sure they have earplugs for when they sit near someone with a vuvuzela.

Paddles that can help soldiers climb walls are being designed by the Department of Defense based on the feet of geckos. Not only that, but any soldier knows that using them for 15 minutes can save them up to 15% on their car insurance.

A team from Poland won the world’s first computer coding championship. They celebrated by going to a restaurant and each sitting at their own table for one.

U.S. companies advertised more jobs in April than any month in the last six and a half years. No one even knew that convenience stores had been increasing their business that much.

U.S. companies advertised more jobs in April than any month in the last six and a half years. The bad part is that if more people finally start working again, there will be another recession from all the people who will be laid off from their jobs at the unemployment office.

Google Glass has been banned from the Alamo Drafthouse theater chain. Mostly because the only theaters anyone would wear Google Glass to are the ones showing only any of the “Star Wars” episodes.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Some sad news from the world of sports. No, not that LeBron James must still be feeling that cramp to get whomped again by San Antonio. Former Dodger pitching great and Cy Young winner Bob Welch has died at age 57. Sad to see a great athlete go at such a young age. What’s even worse is that I am calling 57 a young age. RIP to a great pitcher, even if he was on the losing side in the last Dodgers World Series win in 1988. You can all just wear Dodger Blue today as your way of sending the love!