Do You Have a Growth or Fixed Mind Set? Believing in Our Personal Power

People who have a growth mindset and who see themselves as agents in their own lives are more open to new experiences, more willing to take risks, more persistent and more resilient in rebounding from failure.

— Susan David, Emotional Agility

This sense of agency intrigues me. I admit a low tolerance for people who don’t have it. Don’t get me wrong, there are clear victims in this world, but if someone chooses to stay in a bad situation or repeatedly lets other people down and then blames it on external circumstances, I don’t fully understand that. It might be an avoidantattachment thing. I value autonomy and self-reliance. As a coach and human, I am striving to gain understanding and figure out ways to empower others.

Fixed mind-set

A fixed mindset is the opposite of a growth mindset. Fixed mindsets assume our skills or situation are set at a certain level and can’t be changed. For example, if someone believes we are born with a certain level of intelligence and no matter what we do we can’t improve it, that is a fixed mindset.

To me, people with fixed mind sets seem to settle. They accept a certain outcome or ability and do not use curiosity or openness to explore better results. That sense of power or agency gets ignored.

Making changes

We all have challenges. We’ve all wallowed in self-pity or emotional/mental paralysis. I have many times. At some point, futility sets in and we realize this wallowing keeps us stuck (and it sucks). This is where a growth mindset and personal power step in. We can choose to go forward or we can stay mired in this existence we’ve accepted as fate.

I always believe in change or improvement. When I see people make the same mistakes over and over and then complain about it, I think to myself, “You are not chained to this path.” The same goes for those who complain about their relationships or lack thereof. Make a change. Either remove yourself from the relationship or work on it, but don’t gripe and not take any action. If you are single and not happy about it, instead of complaining about there not being any “good men/women out there”, work on becoming the kind of partner you would like to find. Working on our selves is always an option and shifts our mindset.

Two things for growth

The keys to a growth mindset and agency:

Feel secure: Admittedly, it is easiest to see possibilities and opportunities if you are not striving to get your basic attachment needs met. If you do not feel safe, seen, secure and soothed, those will be your primary focus. Although, I believe it is possible to be open to opportunities to create security. It does not have to be left to others to find you and offer that safety. We can create it ourselves.

Take action: There is no growth without action. Just thinking or talking about it gets us nowhere. It’s a step in the right direction to consider change, but nothing gets accomplished if it remains only a thought. The more actions we take, the more empowered we feel. Even if our actions flounder, we still have a sense of taking the reins of our lives. We feel less stuck.

As Benjamin Hardy said in this awesome post on confidence, most people want clarity about their future before they take action but the truth is clarity comes from taking action. The more we do, the more we know and the more confident we feel. We take a step and survive, which gives us the courage to take another step toward our goal and survive too.

We can be dependent and still grow

Agency is important and so are relationships. Humans are naturally dependent. We need other people, but we don’t have to stay stuck because we don’t have someone to lean on. Don’t get me wrong, having a loved one, definitely helps, but if we are open to growth and our own power, everything, including relationships, improves.

Do you push the envelope or accept your fate as fixed? How much agency do you have?

If you have wondered why you or your partner drift away from intimacy and togetherness this course will have answers for you. If there is withdrawing or distancing between you and your loved one and you would like understand why, Is It Introversion or Is It Insecure Attachment? will help.

Are you or your partner an introvert? Does he get tired and want to go home after a few hours of socializing? Does she seem happy to be intimate one day and need space the next? Introverts Explained can help you gain understanding about yourself or your partner.

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I think I want to print out your articles and hand them out as a sort of relationship waiver form. “You want to be my friend?….You are interesting in going out? Here read this first. Sign here to acknowledge that you have read and understand the enclosed material. Thank you.” Seriously. I think it would work. — Guerin Moorman

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Thank you for all the words. You’ve created the magic drug I’ve been looking for all my life. Your blog has transformed my life, and I feel like I am on the brink of a most satisfying fulfilling journey…You’ve made me see everything in a new light. I now feel calmer, able to care better for my toddler, less hateful of people around, and hopeful for my future. I am not so afraid for our marriage anymore. — Shilpa CB

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BRENDA: thank you SO much! Your advice is exactly what I need to do. I am amazed how much you “get” me after only exchanging a few messages!… Again, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. You’ve helped me more than a year of therapy sessions! – Megan on space2live

Megan

THANK YOU….. you just summed up my swirling thoughts into something i can read with out everything else in my head meshing with it. I finally feel like i can explain what happens within without getting distracted. I’m an Introvert with ADD and it makes it so hard to explain quite what im feeling sometimes. — M.G. on space2live

M.G.

your depth of understanding, and talent at sharing it amaze me. Speechless… and for your sharing of it.. Thank you… deeply. *sigh, its like coming back into my body through acceptance….. Sherrie on space2live

Sherrie

During one of the harder times in my life I found Brenda’s websiteand reached out to her. To say the least it has been one of the bestdecisions I have made. Being an extrovert I never quite understoodwhat it meant to romantically involved with an introvert. Brenda doesan incredible job listening, giving in the moment feedback, and helpedme understand the how an introvert functions. She helped explain to methat I am introspective extrovert, and this gave something to identifywith and allowed me t…

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Your words are my lifeline. I sit down to your posts and as I read I can feel my acceptance of myself and my needs grow. Your words validate my feelings about my life, motherhood, relationships and it is something I hold onto. And during the times when I feel like I am not able to be a mother or a wife or a sister or a friend or whatever someone needs me to be, I go back to your words and find some peace…I send your posts to my husband when I need him to understand that I love him but I need …

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“I was struggling with my daughter (16 at the time) and our constant fighting. You said something to me that changed my life! You were speaking about your own situation and you said to me “my child could not handle my emotions”. This was a HUGE “lightbulb moment” for me and it forever changed the way I dealt with my emotions when I was around my daughter!

I am happy to say that things have never been better between my soon to be 18 year old daughter and myself! I honestly never thought we would…

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For the first time in my life I could truly explain, through your words the way in which I experience life and myself. Brenda… It all fell into place. I had found myself and had such a moment of clarity. It felt like such a big weight was lifted off of my shoulders. Finally I felt like it was ok to be me. I was not the only one. I had found people and a little space where I fit in. … I was at work and crying on the inside. Emotions ran wild inside me. I was ecstatic, sad, confused, motivated, i…

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That courage and dedication you so generously share with the world, has inspired me to push myself a little harder, persevere at each task a little longer, dig a little bit deeper to where the answers just “feel” right to both my humanity AND my spirit. Your insights have reinforced my direction and given me additional tools that help me clear my path. I’m wired into my creativity as never before and the new music is pouring out of me faster than I can record and produce it; this is the Un…