The Countess Collection: Part Two

YOU GUYS. I thought I was done with ol’ CLu, but there are just MORE clothes from her, ahem, “Collection” that I have to talk about. Plus, this season on RHONY, a necklace Lulu re-gifted to everyone’s second favorite Crazy Eyes, Ramotional Singer, from her Countess Collection* has been such a dramatic story line, that I thought we needed to take a second look.

* WHERE can you even find these Countess Collection accessories? I searched high and low on evine.com (aka about 30 seconds) and could only find the piles of rags she’s claiming are “clothes.”

I love when my super wide-legged neon pants hit right at my ankles, to maximize the unflatteringness. image source: evine.com

Sorry for the shitty photo quality, but that’s actually on the good people at Evine, which I am guessing is some sort of poor man’s QVC. I just don’t understand… where would one wear these pants? A BBQ at Don Ho’s house? A going-out-of business party at your local JoAnn Fabrics? When clothing looks this bad on the freaking MODEL, I would say the cut might not be the best.

oh yes, everyone is sitting around in their best Countess Collection garb talking shit about the lastest Louis Vuitton gaffes. image source: lipstickalley.com

What if you are at that Don Ho BBQ and it gets cold when the sun goes down? Well, don’t fret! Lulu has the perfect solution- more blankets disguised as clothes!

I AM guilty, your honor, of looking fabulous! image source: evine.com

This fancy little number is FAUX suede, which seems like such an odd fabric choice? I imagine that wearing it feels like you are wearing unfilled couch cushions. I am getting major pomp and circumstance vibes. Honestly, I think the model could ditch the jeans (or more likely, blue snakeskin Countess Collection jeggings-brand pants) for some fishnets, hooker heels and a jaunty little grad cap and ta-da! A slutty graduate costume!

Last, but certainly not least, we have the companion piece to the lace monstrosity from the previous post:

yes, these are shoulder pads made of lace, thanks so much for asking! image source: evine.com

Where to even begin? I mean, look how uncomfortable the model is. You can almost read her thoughts: Donna, just like five more minutes of wearing this Victorian death shroud and then you can rip it off, tell the Evine people to go fuck themselves and leave this horrible business forever! You worked TOO HARD to whore out your talent for the goddamn COUNTESS, Donna!

The shirt is also available in white, which allows you to more accurately see all the ways it will definitely be the most unflattering item you put on your body since… any other item of the Countess Collection:

Cropped lace overlay!

Shiny material hugging midsection!

Elbow-length lace loose sleeves!

Well, my friends, all cheaply-made thrown together disasters must come to an end. Here’s hoping for a jewelry or resort line for the Countess in 2017!