— “I know what you’re asking yourself, ‘Am I man enough to handle a car this flawless?’ The short answer is no. I tried to be. I grew my beard to unreasonable lengths, trimmed my fingernails with [a] belt sander, ate nothing but lumber for 6 straight days and knocked a polar bear unconscious.”

— “Once this car is taken, every woman on the planet will pile into it, and you’ll be SOL.”