Nothing like a funeral to remind me that this life, the only one we get, is precious so I had better live it and share it with my loved ones rather than trying to appease an impossibly narcissistic sky bully.

When the empty threats of Hell don't work, hire extras from Men in Black films to make the procession seem more intimidating. You could always try imitating the more charismatic televangelists with their extreme changes in pitch too, Ray.