This article was co-authored by Klare Heston, LICSW. Klare Heston is a Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker in Ohio. She received her Master of Social Work from Virginia Commonwealth University in 1983.

There are 5 references cited in this article, which can be found at the bottom of the page.

Do you want to be a good best friend but don't know how or where to start that perfect friendship? Have you fallen out with your best mate and want to prove how nice you can be if they'll forgive you? No matter what reason you have, this article will help you become a great best friend.

Steps

Part 1

Respecting Yourself

1

Be yourself. Being yourself around someone is part of what makes you all best friends. You are who you are, and your best friend will accept that. Being "fake" could lead you to lose your best friend, and it gets tiring to be someone whom you're not. Be best friends with someone who you know you can be yourself around because it isn't worth it trying to be someone you're not in order to get closer to someone else.[1]

Don't hold things in. If you feel uncomfortable or have hard feelings toward your best friend, talk about it with them. It hurts even more when your friendship is being torn to bits while your friend has no idea how to fix it. Make things comfortable, and you'll both go through thick and thin together.

2

Be your own best friend first. Learn how to respect yourself. If you can't respect yourself, then you can't respect others. Decide what boundaries are important to you and respect them. Not only is this healthy for you, but you'll also get enough practice and experience so that you'll be familiar with this area when respecting other people's boundaries. Understand what values are important to you and stick by them. Seek out others who honor those values because you'll only end up hurting yourself and possibly others if those people don't have the same values as you.

Close relationships with other people — whether it's a romantic relationship or an intimate friendship — teach us a lot about ourselves. Don't be afraid to learn about yourself. If you don't like who you are, it's hard for other people to like you.

Don't judge yourself too harshly. It's easy to hold ourselves to a really high standard sometimes, a standard that is impossible to uphold. If you're a perfectionist, learn to be a little forgiving toward yourself.

Don't be afraid to be vulnerable. Everyone feels vulnerable about some things, right? Don't be afraid to show your best friends the parts of yourself that are vulnerable. They won't care, and if they do, they might not be the right friend for you.

If your friends kindly point out your faults and/or suggest you make certain changes to help your friendships blossom, don't automatically grow defensive or harbor bitter feelings against them. They are only trying to help you become a better person, and you should feel blessed to have such thoughtful friends. Also, if you improve yourself, you'll be able to prevent future friendships from being torn apart.

However, if your friends aren't being very nice to you about your faults and picking on you for it, kindly let them know how you feel. If they refuse to stop, you may not want to spend as much time with them anymore.

Part 2

Building Trust and Loyalty

1

Trust each other. You may find it hard in life and think that it is impossible to keep your best friend happy. To be a good best friend really doesn't take much. All you have to do really is make sure you can both trust each other about really important matters. Don't try to trick or use your friend to your advantage; you need to make them know they can trust you.[2]

Realize that your best friend may have other friends. Trust that you're really important to them and let your best friend have a social life outside of you. A love between friends is never jealous.

To prevent loneliness from biting you, have a small circle of friends. That way, if one friend is unavailable or they turn out to be your enemy, you'll have other friends to support you. It's good to know as many people as possible, but only have a few close friends that you tell your secrets to.

Don't keep secrets. Be open about what's going on in your life and what you hear about other people. If you don't want to talk about something, don't bring it up in the first place. If your best friend insists on hearing and you still don't want to talk about it, say: "You know you're my best friend; if I were going to tell anybody, it would be you. But I'm just not comfortable talking about it with anyone. I promise you'll be the first to know when I'm ready to talk, okay?"

Know that you'll probably go through rough patches. Bear in mind though that sometimes you will have to give them some space so that they can have time alone and think things through. Being a best friend means understanding when a little bit of time alone or space from them can be a good thing.

2

Be trustworthy. If they tell you a secret, make sure to keep it. Never tell someone a secret your friend wanted you to keep. Don't even leak it out to someone you know you can trust. A secret is a secret.

Know the difference between a harmless secret and a dangerous secret. Dangerous secrets not only threaten your friend's life, but it can also affect you as well. Despite the fact that your friend may not want people to know about their secret, it's best to tell your parents or a trusted adult about this. Keep in mind that your friend might have told you their secret because they are tired of keeping it to themselves and they are silently asking for help.

Keep your word. If you say you're going to do something, do it. Follow through with it. You know what they say: Talk is cheap. Let your best friend know that if you say you're going to do something, you don't ever back away.

Don't gossip about your best friend. Don't say anything that might turn into a rumor. For example, if they had a crush, they'd probably be embarrassed if you told someone. Make sure you know your best friend is okay with it if you do tell other people. Things like this are sometimes hard to do, but if you want a solid friendship you have to be willing to do them.

3

Be loyal. Stick up for your friend when they need it. Respect those times when they need to stick up for themselves. Trust your friend and allow yourself to be vulnerable with them. Through ups, downs, and disagreements, you'll still try to work things out and be their friend, truly demonstrating your loyalty.

Say "no" when you need to while still being their friend. A friend of integrity is of great value. Tell them respectfully when you think they're wrong. The journey of life is about learning from your mistakes, not always needing to be right.

If you don't learn to say "no" to your friend, it'll hurt your friendship more than improve it. Not only may your friend grow too reliant on you, but you'll also feel strained and angry.

4

When you two fight, try to work things out so everyone is happy. Don't say mean things, whether it is right in their face or through a text. Apologize, but understand that it may take some time to get over what's happened. Let them cool down and talk to you when they are ready.

Never leave the problem alone and pretend it doesn't exist. It will not fade, and it will eventually pop up again later. It's best to solve the problem while it's small before it grows bigger and more painful.

If you two need help solving your problems, ask your parents or a trusted adult to help.

5

Come through in the clutch. When your friend really needs something done, or a favor, be there for them. Help out. Think of how much they'd appreciate it. You never know when you'll be stuck between a rock and a hard place and might need someone (a good friend, maybe?) to bail you out.

6

Stick up for your best friend. Sitting and watching your best friend get picked on or teased is definitely not going to earn you a brownie badge! If your best friend is getting seriously bullied and you're scared you'll get hurt if you get involved, then get help from a teacher or parents. If you can stick up for them without getting harmed yourself, make sure you do so. Imagine how you would feel if you were being picked on and a friend told everyone to shut up and clear off.

If you or your friend consistently has problems with another person, try not to be childish or immature about it. Don't prank them or embarrass them; sadly, that will only make things worse. Tell an adult what's happening, or simply ignore them. People hate being ignored and eventually lose interest in you.

Part 3

Spending Time Together

1

Spend time with your friend. Hang out on the weekends or plan activities together every now and then, do some homework together, and chat during the break at school. You don't have to live in each others' pockets, but make sure you spend some quality time together with your best friend to make the friendship grow and become stronger.[3]

Know that you'll probably have to sacrifice some of your time and maybe effort to be your best friend. It should feel like something you want to be doing, even when it's hard.

Invite other people to hang out with you. Being best friends doesn't mean you have to isolate yourselves from other people. Sometimes, it's nice to be alone; you don't need anybody else to have fun together. Other times, your enjoyment is increased by including other people into the fold.

2

Share laughs. There is nothing like laughing and smiling to bring people together. Besides, when they're really friends, you guys can laugh at the dumbest, smallest, weirdest stuff and it doesn't really matter. Take time out of your day to appreciate the funny things in life.[4]

3

Learn to listen. Nobody likes a best friend who just talks and talks but never listens. If you're a chatterbox, try to develop good listening skills. Whenever your best friend says something, listen carefully and say something. Don't just say "yeah" and move on. Don't interrupt or fidget continually while they're talking to you. If they ask for advice, listen carefully and give them the best advice you can. It'll earn you respect and of course, make them come to you more.[5]

Be an active listener. Being an active listener means reading in between the lines. Sometimes it means knowing what the other person feels or is thinking before they do. If you're an active listener, you might know who your friend likes before they do.

Know when not to talk. There's an old saying out there: The dumb person talks; the wise person listens. While that's definitely an overstatement, it has some truth in it. Begin to feel comfortable just being with your bestie, not constantly having to talk to fill the silence.

Part 4

Caring For Each Other

1

Care for your best friend. If your best friend is upset, ask them what's wrong. They might not tell you straight away, but they should in the end. If they don't tell you, don't get angry at them: Understand that certain things are private, and trust that they'd be just as patient with you if you were in their shoes.

If a boy or girl has upset them, tell them not to worry because you are there for them and you're not going anywhere. Also tell them that there are plenty more boys or girls out there just waiting to meet the love of their life. Reassure your best friend that they will find someone who loves them for who they are.

Remind yourself that lending a helping hand to your best friend doesn't really cost you anything. It may not be easy to constantly comfort them or find advice to give, but know that your best friend would do the same for you in your time of need.

If your friend is away from home, send them cards or care packages to show that you care. If they're sick, call them and ask how they are doing. Show them you appreciate their presence in your life. Write them notes to show that you care and are thankful for them, and ask about their lives. Share your own stories, but make sure you have time for them.

2

Get to know their family. Our families are really important to us, even if they can sometimes be annoying, rude and pesky. Getting to know your best friend's family shows them that you appreciate where they come from, and that you're interested in knowing the people who are valuable in their life.

Part 5

Being Realistic with Each Other

1

Avoid expectations. If you assume you know what best friends' roles are, you could get disappointed and frustrated. Best friends are the most valuable friends you have, but they can't help or support you in every aspect of your life. Do not expect them to always be there, or expect them to say the thing you want to hear. If you set expectations for your best friends that are too high, it will only leave you disappointed and defeated.

Be your own caretaker. This comes back to being your own best friend and taking care of yourself. If you take care of yourself, you'll never put your friend in a position where they have to come in and rescue you. If you never put your friend in this position, you'll never be disappointed.

Remember that no one is perfect - not even your best friend. Everyone has their own faults, and they need to work through it. Don't be mean to your friend about their faults, but help them work through it while asking for help on your own as well. However, when gently letting your friend know, understand that your friend has feelings, and it's best to only focus on the faults that are the biggest threat to your friendship. Know what faults to ignore/let go of and what faults to help your friend solve.

Sometimes, you need to let your friend solve their faults without your help, unless they ask for your assistance. Constant nagging will make your friend feel stressed and angry, and they may be unwilling to improve your friendship if you're putting pressure on it.

2

Understand that best friends sometimes grow apart. It's natural to stop having chemistry with a certain person. If you grow apart, for whatever reason, just be happy for the good times, and know how lucky you were to have that great person be a part of your life.

If neither of you make an effort to get together, or if you get into fights with them for no reason, then maybe you weren't meant to be best friends. It's not anyone's fault. Maybe you two are too much alike. Who knows? You might just need a break from one another for a few weeks.

Always treat your friend with respect, even if you grow apart. Don't be angry with them, it's truly not worth keeping all that anger locked up inside. Be courteous, kind, and respectful if you have a falling apart. You never know when things might change.

3

Let your friend have other friends, too. If your best friend picks another friend over you, try to be friends with their friend too. Maybe you guys can be a group of friends! Everyone is always looking for new friends. But never, ever leave the old one; your loyalty is what the other person expects and counts on every day.

Best friends will usually also have other individual friends. If you really care about your friend, you will not resent their other friends. Be sure to show interest in their other friends, and join them when asked.

It is best to allow your friend to have their own feelings. You cannot change your friend's feelings. Sometimes they will be sad or angry and not happy. A good friend stands by their friend no matter what is going on.

It depends on why. If they aren't including you because they're mad at you, try to work it out. If they aren't doing it on purpose, I suggest just letting them know you're not feeling included and that your feelings are hurt.

What do I do if my BFF's friend is taking her away from me by bringing up old mistakes and fights?

Community Answer

Your BFF's friend is stirring on purpose with an intent to break you all up. Talk to your BFF to explain what is going on from your perspective and that you don't like it. Talk to your BFF's friend and tell her that the past is over, that raising negative stuff is pointless and that she wouldn't appreciate you raising negative things about her past. If your BFF is better friends with the other friend, she may want to talk to her directly. With luck your BFF will understand but if not, then be prepared for the friendship to be tested by the meddling of her friend.

Tips

Always stick to your word when possible. It's okay to break it if an emergency comes up, but only do so for genuine emergencies and other unavoidable obstacles.

Talk about subjects that are comfortable for your friend. Pop in an occasional question while they're talking so they feel like you really care and are listening. Don't be nosy, but do be interested in what your friend is saying!

Don't try to make your best friend jealous, even if you want more of their attention. Intentionally creating jealousy could cause a deeper rift in your friendship.

If your friend needs your help and you are not able to help them, explain why you could not help them as soon as you're able to do so.

If you know that your friend is being abused, bullied, or hurt, tell a teacher or a trusted adult.

Sometimes people can annoy you, even your best friends. In times like these, just remember that you're best friends, and keep your cool. You can step away and take a brief break from them when needed, but try to avoid snapping at them.

If they move, keep in close contact via email, text, social media, and voice or video calls. You might even exchange written letters! As possible, plan days to get together, too.

Befriend people with whom you share a lot of similarities so you have a lot to talk about with them. At the same time, don't be afraid to push your boundaries and befriend people who have different interests and ideas, too!

Don't be shy to disagree with your best friend. It is unlikely that your friendship will break up over a disagreement.

Throwing around jokes every now and then is fine, but within boundaries. If you sense your best friend is getting hurt by some, even if it wasn’t intentional, talk to them and say sorry. Also let them vent to you sometimes; don't dismiss their troubles by continuing to joke around when they're trying to be serious.

To be a great best friend, always be trustworthy by not sharing your friend's secrets or gossiping about them behind their back. Also, be loyal to your best friend by standing up for them and being there to support them when they need your help. To make your friendship stronger, go out of your way to do nice things for your friend, and make an effort to spend a lot of time with if you can. Just remember that it's OK for your best friend to have their own life and group of friends separate from you. To learn how to show your best friend that you care about them, scroll down!

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Article Info

This article was co-authored by Klare Heston, LICSW. Klare Heston is a Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker in Ohio. She received her Master of Social Work from Virginia Commonwealth University in 1983.

"It helped to realize that just being a friend wasn't good enough to go on with your day and not worry about what happens with your friend after what happened to them. Now I know what to do in order to be a great best friend to everyone. Thank you."..." more

NJ

Narein Jagathessan

Feb 15, 2017

"This page helped me more than enough! the sticky notes advice at the side does give an idea for me to be a better friend after this. Thanks for the unconditional help."..." more

PJ

Precious Johnson

Feb 5, 2017

"This article was a great help to me. I will use it as a tool to guide me into building a greater relationship with my best friend and others."..." more

RM

R. M.

Jan 23, 2018

"This article helped me understand that I might be wanting to be my friend's BFF too much and it may be time to let go."..." more

Rated this article:

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Angie Chavez

Feb 9, 2017

"I liked how there are so many different tips and they each have great answers. I love the wide range of variety."

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Caitlen Lockwood

Jun 4, 2017

"My best friend and I have fights all the time, so I looked on this web and figured it helps. Thanks a lot, guys."

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Anonymous

May 12, 2017

"These helped me to be peaceful. Thanks to the great person who wrote these articles, wish you great success!"

AS

Asha S.

Sep 9, 2016

"The most helpful tip was to never expect from them, think that what we given and what we can give them! "

SD

S. D.

Sep 24, 2018

"This definitely helped me become a better friend to anyone. Maybe I'll make some new friends!"

SY

Shaily Yadav

Dec 11, 2017

"It helps me to realize that our friends are part of our life. We are lucky to have them."

Rated this article:

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Mia Niaina

Jan 9, 2018

"Yes, it really helped me to know my best friend and now I know what I have to do!"

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M. Clout

Apr 4, 2018

"My friend ask me to be a best friend, so I learned how to on wikiHow."