Tribune - Tuesday morning, a glitch in its emergency notification system sent out a “violent intruder” audio and video alert over the school’s intercom and television notification system. The college had meant to issue an alert telling students and staff that the college would close Tuesday afternoon due to inclement weather. “Under normal circumstances, we [...]

Tribune - Tuesday morning, a glitch in its emergency notification system sent out a “violent intruder” audio and video alert over the school’s intercom and television notification system. The college had meant to issue an alert telling students and staff that the college would close Tuesday afternoon due to inclement weather.

“Under normal circumstances, we would have issued an immediate ‘all clear’ message using the emergency notification system, however, because of the malfunction, we could not rely on the system to deliver the correct message,” associate vice president of Campus Safety and Security Robert Koverman wrote in an email to faculty, staff and students after the incident. One man, Joseph Fedorko, tweeted just after 11 a.m.: “Two buildings in lockdown at Columbia College for ‘violent intruder in building’ – including my building. Waiting for al(l) clear. Disturbing.”

Hey I don’t wanna step on the toes of any genius administrator over at Columbia here. I’m sure they hastily threw together took a lot of time putting together their emergency notification system. But maybe it’s not a good idea to have the “School is Closed today” and the “There’s a Violent intruder on the loose that might rape/kill you” buttons so close together so you can accidentally hit one instead of the other? I mean that’s actually what happened. They clicked the wrong message to send to everyone. Whoops sorry guys! Our bad! You’re not actually gonna die today! That’d be like accidentally telling somebody who just won free blowjobs for life that the test results are back and they’re body is full of AIDS and their dick has to be chopped off.

Gotta say though it must have been pretty sweet when everyone got the news classes were cancelled. One second you’re stuffed hiding in a storage closet like a bunch of Mexicans in a trunk crossing the border hoping you don’t get killed and next thing you know you get to play in the snow and day-drink. Sounds exhilarating.