Cappie : No. These are just study aids. It's a sum total of all Kappa Tau knowledge compiled over the last 30 years. These are weapons against the insidious administrations and their C grade point average requirements for fraternity membership.

Rusty : You know, I've never gotten below an A.

All : Boo ! Spitter, get out of here !

Cappie : Ape shall not kill ape !

All hooting.

Cappie : Psychology 303 : from Dr. Freud to Dr. Phil.

Heath : It's like five years old. Got anything more recent ?

Cappie : You'll be fine. Alkin recycles tests every five years to stop people cheating.

Rusty : But isn't this cheating ?

Cappie slams drawer shut.

Cappie : Cheating ? Would our esteemed professors continue to reuse the same tests over and over, knowing full well that future students could easily recycle them ? It's their unspoken gesture of solidarity against the evil administration. I think it's brave that they're doing this. Can I offer you a study aid ?

Evan : Ewcuse me. Hello. Um, Casey, I was wondering if you could help me find a book in the stacks.

Casey : Sorry, already got a study buddy.

Ashleigh : Frannie ?

Frannie : Yeah, no. I'm good. Thanks.

CRU – Library

Evan : Casey, you and I have been through an awful lot the past year. You know, with the misunderstandings, the cheating, problems with my parents.

Casey : Yeah, but we've beer doing better.

Evan : Only because we've been pretending that there's nothing wrong. And sometimes... (sighs) it's not enough.

Casey : Evan, are you... ?

Evan : Listen, because I deserve more, and so do you. And I've been thinking about this a lot lately. And I...We... We can't go on like this. So...

Casey : Your letters. You're lavaliering me ?

Evan : I mean, if you'll accept.

Both chuckling.

Credits

Casey : You're supposed to say congratulations.

Rusty : Sorry, congratulations. What's lavaliering?

Casey : It's when you give your letters to a girl as a symbol of your commitment to one another. It's the first step to pinning, engagement.

Rusty : Oh, congratulations.

Cappie : Oh, look at this! The Cartwright kids. You know, you two should band together and solve mysteries, fight crime. Got the perfect name for it. There's a sketchy janitor who I think is up to something.

Rusty : Casey got lavaliered by Evan .

Casey : Hey, that's supposed to be a secret.

Rusty : Why'd you tell me?

Casey : Good question.

Cappie : Congrats, Case.

Casey : Thanks.

Cappie : Your kids will be very... Aryan.

Casey : Good luck with midterms, Rusty.

Rusty : Bye.

Casey leaves.

Cappie : So when did it happen?

Rusty : Last night, I guess.

Cappie : That means one day till the candle-passing ceremony, and another before Evan makes his presentation on the ZBZ lawn, which means she's still technically "un-lava-ed" for two more days.

Rusty : I still can't believe she's with that jerk.

Omega Chi House

Ashleigh : And I didn't have a date to junior prom, which is when Travis called. Except that he thought he was talking to my best friend Kristen.

Calvin : Yep.

Travis : And Ashleigh was so excited to talk to me that I completely forgot about mixing up the phone numbers. And obviously I forgot about Kristen too.

Ashleigh : And we've been together ever since. He's the best thing that's ever happened to me.

Travis : Aw !

Calvin : So you said. Five times.

Travis : Ashleigh neglected to mention the fact that Kristen is now pre-law at Yale. Ah, the frat house.

Ashleigh : Evan and Calvin moved one of the actives so you could stay for the weekend. Wasn't that nice?

Travis : Thanks, Evan.

Calvin : It's Calvin.

Travis : Sorry.

Ashleigh : He's really bad with names.

Travis : Where can I wash up?

Calvins : Upstairs, right past the bedchamber.

Travis : Okay.

Travis leaves.

Ashleigh : Do me a favor, all right? Don't tell Travis how drunk I got at the military mixer. He doesn't like when I drink too much.

Calvin : Yeah.

CRU - Class

Teacher : There are five stages to the hero's journey. Stage one is the"call to adventure," that's where an act of fate actually chooses our hero. Okay, then...

Cappie comes.

Teacher : Can I help you?

Cappie : Uh, yeah, sorry, I'm late.

Teacher : You're about two months late, Mister...

Cappie : Cappie. Hey, Case.

Casey : I thought you dropped this class.

Cappie : So did I.

Teacher : As I was saying, stage two is where the hero proves himself worthy on a road of travels. We go to stage three, where he achieves self-knowledge usually through a mystical source. Stage four, he confronts his true desires. And then in stage five, the stakes are set. The hero and the world are transformed. Now do we have any examples of that?

Casey : Uh, yeah. Prometheus? King Arthur?

Capppie : "Star Wars" and "The Matrix. "

Teacher : You know, those are really good examples, Mr. Cappie. That segues us perfectly into our midterm essay assignment. We're going to compare and contrast literary and cinematic heroes and their relationship to Campbell's paradigm. You're gonna be working in teams. My T. A. posted your team partner's names on the bulletin board in the hallway. So that's it, you guys. Good luck.

CRU – Hallway

Casey : There's been a horrible mistake.

Cappie : Some might call it fate... Partner.

Casey : You can't be my partner. You've only been to two classes.

Cappie : Uh, three, including today.

Casey : You haven't read the material. This is ridiculous.

Cappie : Do you really want to go against the teacher?

Casey : Fine, we'll write the paper together, but you have to take this seriously. This is a big part of our final grade. It's huge.

Rusty : You're being tutored for Hastings' physics midterm by his teaching assistant?

Dale : I'm actually helping him. Okay, Harville's in my purity pledge group, and he's been trying to find his way back to the path of enlightenment, so I volunteered to help with his "re-virginization. "

Rusty : His what?

Dale : In order to gain a second virginity, it takes significant amounts of prayer and testimony. So in return for saving his soul, Harville's graciously offered physics tutoring. But between you and me, I think he's getting the better deal.

Rusty : But why? You already know the material. Couldn't you have left out the physics part?

Dale : Considering Hastings sprung all the new material on us, i'm just chalking this one up to God's will.

Rusty : New material for a midterm?

Dale : Five new chapters assigned at the review session.

Rusty : Five?! But the review session was optional.

Dale : No, Harville's mine. You can't have him.

ZBZ House – Living room

Ashleigh : That is for a candle passing ceremony. Please don't tell me you're pregnant. That would be really weird.

Casey : Lavaliered.

Ashleigh : Ah !!!!

Casey : I promised Evan I'd keep it a secret.

Ashleigh : Oh, not good at secrets. I get all hive-y. Wow, this is so great ! Maybe one day Travis and I can take the next step too.

Casey : It's pretty amazing that you guys have been together so long . Since high school. And tack on 750 miles of separation to that.

Ashleigh :Yeah, long distance relationships are hard, but that's what makes us so great. It strengthens us.

Casey : Yeah, but... Sometimes some people in that situation would grow apart. Outgrow each other.

Ashleigh : But I owe Travis everything. If it wasn't for him, I never would've gotten into Cyprus-Rhodes. I never would've met you.

Casey : Right! But... And I'm just saying how it's really, really great that Travis is definitely who you want.

Teacher : Hypothetically, but then I realized we weren't progressing fast enough in the curriculum, so I took the liberty of making this a little lesson. Science is a rapidly evolving field requiring the ability to grasp concepts quickly.

Rusty : Isn't it more important, though, that you teach us physics... Sir?

Teacher : It's very simple, Mr. Cartwright. Learn the new material or fail. Oh, and I'll be giving the test in room 407. More space, less cheating.

KT House - Garden

Casey :Don't tell me. You're arranging a Kappa Tau midterm party.

Cappie : Better, a midterm barbecue. For two. Cappie burgers, on account of you picking that Isthmus guy.

Casey : His name was Prometheus.

Cappie : You still like yours with sliced pickles on top?

Casey : Well, one of us has to take this seriously. I bet you don't even have a clue what film hero you want to go with?

Cappie : Keanu Reeves.

Casey : Not a hero, he's an actor.

Cappie : He is a film icon.

Casey : I'll write the paper myself and put your name on it, okay?

Cappie : Prometheus, a most historic greek god dude, who journeyed on a most excellent quest to bring fire to mankind, only to incur the wrath of the odious Zeus, who chained the dude on yonder mountaintop, where an eagle egregiously scarfed the dude's liver out for like... Infinity. Yeah, I full-on read Campbell's book.

Casey : Since this morning? That's impossible.

Cappie : A most bodacious masterpiece with many pages in which I forgoed an afternoon of non-bogus fun.

Casey : This is school. It's not supposed to be fun.

Cappie :Says who? Anything can be fun. And everything should be fun. We had crazy fun all the time when we were going out. Sex, drinking... Sex... Eating pie in bed.

Casey : You... Bought an apple pie?

Cappie : Don't you remember the hell raisers and heartbreakers party?

Casey : That was lemon meringue.

Cappie : Or the pumpkin pecan?

Casey : Halloween. We were dressed up as equine Elvis. You were the horse's ass. Or that weekend when we got arrested for protesting protests?

Cappie : Blueberry cream.

Casey : Cappie.

Cappie : Coconut custard? It wasn't that bad, was it? I mean, not all of it.

Casey : It was never bad. It just was what it was, and then it was time we grew up. Or at least for one of us.

Cappie : Yeah, bummer that one of us had to go and give up on all that fun. Want a bite?

Casey : We should write the paper.

Cappie : Just a nibble.

Casey : If I do, then can we focus on the paper?

Cappie : What's the harm in taking one little bite of an apple?

CRU – Living room

Rusty : I'm not gonna make it. That was just chapter 17. I have four more to go, 36 hours to do it.

Jen K : Rusty, you'll get by. You'll cram and you'll survive.

Rusty : All my life, I was who I was because I was the smartest. I never thought I'd be the guy who just got by.

Jen K : You know what I don't get, is if you're having so much trouble, how is everybody else getting through this?

Dale : But polarity reverses in a sub-quantum flux. Harville?

Boy : I didn't get enough pills. Just midterms.

Dale : Stay with me. I don't understand the polarity.

Boy : Just gimme like two more...

Dale : Come on, Harville!

Rusty : Isn't this, like,prescription speed?

Dale : It's what Harville takes to concentrate. He has a medical condition. That's what he told me.

Rusty : I think he just needs to sleep it off, Dale.

Dale : No, Harville needs to tutor me. So I need to find him drugs. I need drugs. It's as simple as that. All right, I need drugs. Who's got 'em? I'm not a narc. I'm just... Just a guy in a bind.

Dobler's

Casey : We couldn't do this at the library?

Cappie : So we could fall asleep? Libraries are to quiet. Bor-ing! This place is teeming with inspiration. Not to mention refreshing refreshments. Mm, "iblis" has only one "s. "

Travis : Since the Greek system is just an excuse to have a bar in your house, isn't this place kind of redundant?

Frannie : Uh, there's actually a lot more to the Greek system than drinking.

Travis : Sure. How could I forget hangovers and throwing up? Right...?

Calvin : Calvin.

Travis : I'm terrible with names. Babe, do you think you could go grab us two glasses of pinot noir?

Cappie : Un-uh, you just hate how Ashleigh turns into a fake, subservient shell of herself when she's around Travis.

Casey : Same difference.

Cappie : Not unless this is the real Ashleigh, and Travis is just bringing out the person she was always meant to be. Oh, Helva is Egyptian, not Persian. You really should've read the book more closely. Look, my point is,maybe she is finally becoming the person she was meant to be.

Casey : If that's the case, she'd be better off not growing up at all.

Cappie : Could not agree with you more, especially if growing up turns you into someone you're not. Someone pretentious, boring... Pie-less.

Casey : Is this your barely clever, hardly subtle way of commenting on my relationship with Evan?

Cappie : Translation: How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

People cheering.

Speaking Latin :

Cappie : “In wine there is the truth.”

Cappie : Travis? A round for the house?

Travis : Come on, let's go.

Frannie : Bye.

Ashleigh : Bye, guys.

Calvin : Later.

Cappie : Where were we? Oh, stage two. "A hero overcomes obstacles. "

CRU – Street.

Rusty is sleeping on a bench.

Casey : Midterms and you decide to go camping.

Rusty : Three hours? I only allocated 27 minutes for napping.

Casey : Then you'll definitely need this.

Rusty : Caffeine. Trimethylxanthine. I spent all last night trying to learn five brain-cramping chapters of physics. My brain's fried. Forget what I studied last night. I can't remember what I learned three weeks ago.

Casey : You'll be fine. You always are.

Rusty : I busted my ass. I've done everything I could. But i'm gonna fail. The worst part about it, the game's rigged. Old tests, paid tutors for cramming, drugs. College isn't about learning. It's a four-year course on how to get by. Beat the system.

Casey : The illusion is shattered, huh?

Rusty : It's supposed to be the last bastion for education. A place removed from society where you're inspired. Not discouraged. A place where teachers teach and students learn.

Casey : Yeah, and animated deer frolic in the quad. Look, nothing is as simple as you'd want it to be. Just when you think you have everything figured out, someone comes along and complicates things.

Rusty : Someone?

Casey : Or something.

Rusty : So with almost everyone cheating, is it really cheating if you cheat?

Casey : Honestly, I don't think there are right or wrong decisions anymore. Everything is relative.

Rusty : So I just need to decide what's right for me?

Casey : Unfortunately, the hard part isn't choosing. It's living with the choice you make.

KT House – Living room

Beaver : Thank you.

Rusty : Beav seems pretty happy.

Cappie : He got so excited about his history midterm, he went online last night and discovered that JFK wasn't just an airport.

Rusty : And that LaGuardia was a mayor?

Cappie : No one appreciates a showoff, spitter.

Rusty : Sorry. So, I was just wondering if maybe you can take another look in the filing cabinets for me. Honors physics?

Cappie : The cookie jar's empty.

Rusty : I need help. And... And I don't care where or how. I'm willing to do anything.

Cappie : Are you really sure you want to do this? You need to do this?

Rusty : Yeah. I'm positive.

Cappie : You pick the hand with the jelly bean and you go back to your dorm with a burst of fresh blueberry flavor and no questions asked. You take the other one, and you get to see how deep the rabbit hole goes.

Rusty : The rabbit hole?

Cappie : So, Neo,which one do you choose?

CRU - Street

Evan : So do you have big plans tonight?

Casey : I have more work to do on that stupid paper with Cappie.

Evan : And the candle-passing ceremony,that's tonight, isn't it?

Casey : Oh, yeah, yes! The candle-passing. Very exciting!

Evan : So how is that paper coming?

Casey : Fine. Surprisingly well, considering it's with Cappie.

Evan : Yeah.

Casey : On the other hand, he's slightly more motivated than usual. Like he's turned over a new leaf.

Evan : Well, I mean, not really. He still came up with the whole... Keanu Reeves approach.

Evan : No, it's smoke and mirrors. It's parlor tricks. You know, to prop up a lifetime of mediocre grades, getting by and avoiding all expectations. I mean, listen, Cappie is the same guy I knew in freshman year. Okay, he is smart. He is full of potential. At the end of the day, he's going nowhere.

Casey : As opposed to you. And me.

Evan : Cappie will probably be president of Kappa Tau

for the rest of his life.

Casey : Or the social director of a sandals resort.

Evan : You know, in ten years, I plan on being a Harvard law school grad. I know where I want to be, Casey. Do you?

ZBZ House – Dinning room

Frannie : Okay, moving on to new business. Ashleigh... We need to talk about Travis.

Ashleigh : Uh, what about him?

Frannie : We're all sisters here. We look out for each other. We stick together. And to put it mildly, Travis isn't exactly quality glue. You need to dump him.

Ashleigh : If this is about last night, he was just joking. In an unfunny way. He's very dry.

Frannie : Casey?

Casey : Uh, Frannie...

Frannie : He publicly mocked the entire Greek system in front of everyone at Dobler's. Not cool.

Ashleigh : But I thought everyone liked Travis?

Casey : We do.

Frannie : We don't. We lied. Ashleigh, even with such obvious pluses that he's hot and has good fashion sense, his many ass-like qualities completely outweigh his un-ass ones.

Ashleigh : But he's an Ivy Leaguer.

Frannie : Barely.

Ashleigh : He goes to Brown.

Frannie : And now I know this must be difficult for you, so in the interests of helping you out for the short term, I've made a list of viable dating alternatives that won't bring down the house. We have Adam at Lambda Sig. Alan at Pi Zeta. A whole list just for you.

Ashleigh : Casey, help me out.

Casey : Ashleigh, no offense, but you deserve better than Travis.

Frannie : Oh, whoops, look at that! Time to bring everyone else in. Hey, and I have something special for you guys tonight. A candle passing ceremony. I'm so excited!

Ashleigh : Yeah... Me too.

CRU – Rusty and Dale's room

Rusty : “Welcome to the RU answer center. If you have the cash,we have the answers. Press one for English. To continue in Spanish... English literature from Beowulf to The Canterbury Tales, press one. Organic chem and hysics, press two. For dr. Hastings' honors physics 205 midterm, press one.”

ZBZ House – Living room

Frannie : Okay, it's time for our anonymous someone to reveal herself by blowing out the candle. Once around, friendship. Twice, lavalier. Three times, pinning. Four times, engagement.

Jen K : What's five times?

Frannie : Murder. Kidding! Okay, settle, girls.

All : “Now we pass'round the light,let our love glow and warm you. Let our bonds through the years,let our hearts be joined as one...”

Ashleigh : You could have given a me warning before the entire sorority black-balled Travis.

Casey : I'm sorry, I tried to talk to you about this before.

Ashleigh : I just didn't think that you would join the mob.

Casey : Look, Travis isn't remotely right for you. And if you weren't so worried about being single, you'd know that.

Ashleigh : Oh, so you and Evan are perfect together?

Casey : This isn't about me and Evan.

Ashleigh : Maybe it's about you and Cappie. But no one knows how you really feel.

Casey : What are you talking about? We're just writing a paper together.

Ashleigh : If that were the case, why aren't you blowing out the candle?

ZBZ House – Casey and Ashleigh's room

Casey : You're not still upset, are you?

Ashleigh : Nope, in one ear and out the other. Of course on the way, you drilled a big hole through my brain, not that it matters.

Casey : I know how much Travis means to you. But there comes a time when you have to put the past behind you.

Ashleigh : Excellent advice. Maybe you should take it yourself.

Casey : I'm looking out for you.

Ashleigh : Oh, so you're just being helpful?

Casey : Ashleigh... I agree with Frannie, but not because of the house. When you're around Travis, you turn from fun, interesting Ashleigh into boring, horrible Ashleigh. You disappear. And as your friend, I just thought you should know that.

Calvin : Ashleigh, it doesn't matter what your sisters want or what I think. You date who you want to date.

Ashleigh : But Frannie said...

Calvin : No, you love who you want to love. You know, and if that's a problem, you just... You keep your private life private.

Ashleigh : I'm not a very good liar.

Calvin : It's not lying. It's your life. The only person you have to be honest with is yourself.

Ashley : Okay.

CRU – Exam Class

Teacher : 30 minutes left. I suggest that if you haven't begun the essay questions at the end of page three by now, you pick up your test, go straight to the administration, and transfer to something simpler.

KT House – Cappie's room

Casey : "Only the hero is chosen by fate... "

Cappie : "and only he can transcend the obstacles in order to fulfill his destiny... "

Casey : "to accomplish the impossible... "

Cappie : "and to forever change the world. "

Casey : It's... Great.

Cappie : We make a good team.

Casey : Do we?

They kiss.

Casey : Maybe it is fate.

Cappie :I've got a little a confession to make. It wasn't exactly fate that brought us together.

Casey : Define "exactly. "

Cappie : I bribed the T. A. With a few bottles of Sandusky lager if he put us two together.

Casey : So fate was a six-pack of beer? - No.

Cappie : Two six-packs.

Casey : Oh, I don't know what I was thinking. I should have guessed this was all just a big scam.

Cappie : No scam. I just had to convince you that getting lavaliered was a big mistake.

Casey : So I could make a bigger mistake with you?

Cappie : Well, not the words I'd choose exactly.

Casey : I can't believe it. I have a boyfriend, and I was going to give that all up for one of your jokes.

Cappie : This isn't a joke. A joke would be, "a guy walks into a bar... "

Casey : Stop, stop! Be a grownup for once. Have a grownup conversation!

Cappie : A dyslexic guy walks into a bra?

Casey : I can't go back to the way it was. I can't spend the rest of my life protesting protests and eating pie. I have plans, goals.

Cappie : I know. I have them too.

Casey : Really? I know where I want to be in ten years. Do you?

Cappie : I want to be with you.

CRU – Rusty and Dale's room

Jen K : So I was thinking we could go to this Swedish-Indian fusion place. I heard they have the best curried meatballs and smoked salmon naan in town.

Rusty : Jen, do you know how to calculate the surface waves of polymer films?

Jen K : No, of course not.

Rusty : Well, neither do I. But the problem is, I'm supposed to.

Jen K : I don't understand.

Rusty : I forgot what learning is about. Why I wanted to study science. It wasn't about getting good grades. I wanted to learn. I cheated.

Jen K : You what?

Rusty : I got desperate. I didn't know what to do. Well, that's not true. I did, but I cheated anyway. I cheated the school, and worst of all, I cheated myself.

Jen K : So... What are you gonna do about it?

ZBZ House – Living room

Frannie : I am so proud of you. How did Travis take it?

Ashleigh : He was pretty shook up. Very sad.

Frannie : Tears?

Ashleigh : A few.

Frannie : Good. So on to bigger and better things?

Ashleigh : I'm thinking it would be best to take a few days off from guys.

Frannie : Oh, I so understand. The mourning process can be very helpful. Let's talk Saturday.

Ashleigh : I'll be at Dobler's.

Frannie : Excellent. 'Atta girl.

Casey : Ash, is there anything I can... Do...

EXT. ZBZ House

Men singing

“Omega Chi girl, sweet as can be...

Omega Chi girl, look and you'll see...

A woman fair and true and strong...

A woman who's charms are worthy of song...

Omega Chi girl send her my love...”

Dobler's

Rock music playing

Calvin : Hey.

Ashleigh : So I took your advice, and I am keeping my private life private.

Calvin : Good for you.

Ashleigh : But... if I have to keep Travis a secret, what do I do about the winter formal and the spring mixer?

Calvin : Well, if you don't have anyone else, you can always take me.

Ashleigh : You'll beard for me?

Calvin : Strange as it may seem.

Heath : Calvin, you wanna go catch that game? That's playing?

Calvin : Oh... You good?

Ashleigh : Yeah, go. I'll see you later.

Ashleigh on Phone.

Ashleigh : Hey, Travis, I know you're on the plane, but I just wanted to saythat I had a wonderful time, and I can't wait to see you next month in Rhode Island. I love you.

EXT. CRU - Street

Beaver : That movie sucked. I totally guessed the ending.

Cappie : That's not the point. The point is, the hero always wins.

Beaver : So it's like one of the rules?

Cappie : Absolutely. I mean, the twists and turns that they take, that's just to make it interesting. In the end, good will always triumph over evil.