Come Along for the Ride...

How my journey as a submissive led me closer to God

enlightenment

I left off about four months ago. We were on the cusp of change. Moving. Changing jobs. Relocating our family. And suddenly our plans changed.

About one week after I wrote my last post, my father died. I knew it was coming, but didn’t expect him to go as quickly as he did. I had the time to say what I needed to say to him. Most of his family visited and he was at peace. He knew he was loved.

My first day at the new job was delayed by a week, because of his passing. I work for hospice, so if anyone understands everything that’s involved in dealing with death, hospice does. They were understanding and even sent flowers to his service. And then everything changed in a matter of a week, that week I was supposed to have started.

I walked into the office on my first day, and the three people who’d interviewed me were no longer with the company. My direct manager, the administrator and the regional director. All gone. The replacements were of a completely different mindset and had little to no concern for me or anyone else, nor for anything other than our numbers. It was like walking into a lion’s den. To make matters worse, I fell walking into a hospital to visit a patient and broke my foot. I’ve been sequestered to a desk since June, when I typically work in the field.

M’s job was not what it seemed either. The director of human resources that recruited and hired him, left after his second week on the job. No one else was designated to train him, so they tucked him away in a corner, watching training videos for three weeks. There was a complete restructure of his department, and his position changed significantly. Needless to say, he’s not happy.

The good news in all of this…we never relocated. It was almost as if God was looking out for us. We were outbid on the first house we liked and the second one had some major underlying issues, so we retracted our offer. It seemed there were all these obstacles around us finding a place to live. I am so thankful. We hate the commute, but we find ways to make it work while we look for jobs closer to home.

All of this turmoil has left me in a strange place. I am still grieving over my father. He and my mother died within 18 months of each other and that’s a lot to process. I really dislike my job and feel that I am being spiritually led to other ventures. I need to cultivate a different career path…one that allows me more time with my children and M. I am happiest when I serve others, and I’ve lost that part of job satisfaction where I am.

So our life has been re-routed. But we are still strong. Our family continues to thrive. And I am ever-grateful to be on this path to ‘whatever comes next’ with my M…even if he won’t stop to ask for directions. I know he will lead us to where we need to be. I know he will help me find who I’ve yet to become.

Like this:

Our time apart was brief. It was simply a time to breathe and account for where we are in our lives. Who we are.

Where we are as a couple. And where we want to go.

The windshield is clean, our path is clear and laid out in front of us. He remains in the driver’s seat and I am his loyal passenger as we drive off into the sunset…into this next phase of us. No big life events planned. It’s just that we have now experienced what life would be like apart, and neither of us wants that.

When he arrived home, things were a little awkward. We were friendly and affectionate, but there was a formality. A hesitancy in the mood. I think we were both shell-shocked from the time apart and we felt weary and worn. Also, he didn’t arrive until 2:00 am, after an 8-hour drive. We were both exhausted. We talked for a bit and retired to bed.

I was drifting off to sleep when he leaned over and kissed me. I opened my eyes and found him watching me as I dosed. He kissed me again. His mouth tasted divine and my lips felt like a magnet, drawing towards his. We didn’t talk. We just kissed each other for a long time. Soft sweet kisses. Open passionate kisses. Slowly kissing. Taking it all in.

I found myself aroused by his mouth. I couldn’t get enough of his lips on mine. Feeling his tongue explore mine. The sweet taste. My mouth watered for more. My body salivated for his touch.

He pulled me to him and we began to make love. His touch felt so good on my skin and even better on my soul. His love penetrated me so deeply that I could feel my heart bleeding for him. For us. Each movement was affirmation that there is not another human being in this universe made for me, as he is. This connection. This depth is something that I was destined to have with my One.

My orgasms were swift and powerful and profoundly meaningful. I found myself, once again, shedding my layers for him. Revealing myself…more of myself. Giving all to him as it should be. I was so overwhelmed with pleasure and joy that I began to weep. Releasing everything as I laid my head on his chest. He breathed me in with each breath and exhaled himself, filling me with the air I need to thrive.

Afterwards, I reflected on our beautiful session, thinking about how amazing he is. How good we are together. And I realized the reason why we are so attuned to each other. I figured out how it is that every time, over a year into this, the sex is mind-blowing, existential and powerful. It our connection and it is our selfless love of each other. Each of us puts the other first…their needs and desires. There is no hidden agenda of me “getting mine” or him “getting his.” It is absolute selfless love and focus on the other person. We demonstrate this in how we make love. And we demonstrate this selflessness in our relationship. Always putting the other first.

This is what a real relationship looks like. A first for me. This is a healthy, happy place that I share with my M who makes it a reality. His love and adoration of me, gives me permission and acceptance to finally love myself. And this love allows me to give him all that I am. It’s a beautiful exchange.

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So a couple of posts back I wrote about the connection with the surname, “Gray/Grey” and the connotation behind the characters. Seems I overlooked one very important character.

Dorian Gray, the OG (Original Gray).

How could I forget the infamous hedonist who sold his soul to keep his beauty and youth?

It was the only novel written by Oscar Wilde and it was not well -received in Victorian London. With its themes of hedonism and homoeroticism, the criticisms of the novel were harsh and dismissive. It caused quite a scandal in those times. (I wonder how it would fare today. I wonder if it would be displayed near the impulse items at Target, just like the new Grey book. Hmmmm….)

Here’s an interesting fact. The book, The Picture of Dorian Gray, was actually based on a real character, a “friend” of Oscar Wilde’s named, John Gray. And Wilde only changed the first name…not protecting the identity of the not-so-innocent, Gray. Being an avid researcher, I found the truth behind this tale is actually stranger than fiction. I never saw this coming.

Here’s a synopsis/comparison of the two Grays:

Dorian was described as beautiful and breathtaking. John was described as an “Adonis” of a man.

Dorian was wealthy and traveled in high social circles. John was of the middle-class, in south-east London.

Both characters led a decadent lifestyle, seeking pleasure with full abandon.

Dorian Gray ultimately kills himself by stabbing his decaying portrait, which in turn becomes him in the flesh and he dies.

For a brief time, John Gray enjoys the infamy of his doppleganger, Dorian, and it is reported that he actually began signing his name, Dorian. He then repents, leaving his Decadent Movement affiliations behind in London, goes to Rome and eventually is ordained as a priest.

WHAT????

Yes, this is how the story…the true story…goes. In summary….one of Oscar Wilde’s lovers is so handsome that he writes about him and his hedonistic lifestyle in a novel, not changing the last name. Said lover enjoys the infamy and then has a complete about-face, and repents. But he is not satisfied to merely repent from his days of debauchery…Instead he packs up, moves to Rome and spends years becoming a priest.

To tie things up (no bondage reference intended) it seems that the real John Gray, was aptly named. He embraced his darkness for part of his life and then turned towards the light. Making him, his life…its own shade of gray.

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Yes! Finally! Spring has arrived in my town. The kids are back in school. The Masters’ patrons have all returned home and the thick yellow pollen has began to subside. The weather is warm and the feel in the house is warmer from the temperature outside and also because M is here permanently. We are blending into a very happy and contented family.

I realized today, that it’s time to open the windows.

Not literally, but as we progress…as our bond deepens, I am beginning to understand that it’s time for me to fully reveal myself. Not that I have been holding back, but there are things I need to release…M already knows this, but I recently had one of my epiphanies that enlightened me.

I enjoy the dense anticipation leading up to a well-orchestrated scene. I love the planning. I love the preparation. I love how I envision the scenario. I love the rush of it all. And equally, I love Maestro’s spontaneity. When I least expect it. When I am not prepared, he brings an afternoon filled with carnal pleasure that makes me a blubbering mess.

Literally.

So I will get a little personal here, but I am one of those lucky gals who is able to orgasm easily and frequently. I find that each time I go there, I lose myself in the moment and shift into a state of hedonistic debauchery. Maestro knows every inch of my body and how to make me writhe and shake with delight in a mere matter of minutes. Today, he took me to a place I’d never ventured before. It was like subspace, but far more primal. I found myself glazed over, breathing like a wild animal, staring deeply into his eyes. I was so overcome by the beast within me, that I was no longer my civilized self. And at that moment, in it’s intensity, I began to weep.

With Maestro, I find that I do cry from our more consuming exchanges together. It usually happens after I venture into subspace, and it’s a beautiful release.

Today was different.

Today, the tears felt more intentional. They were a layer I was shedding, like an animal sheds its winter coat in the warmth of spring. It was a place of pure vulnerability. I felt it. He felt it. And when I tried to retreat and nuzzle into his chest, he held my face and said, “No. Don’t hide. Look at me.”

I tried to look away, but he held my face with a tender firmness that demanded my attention. So we stared into each others eyes. The human and the wild animal, sharing an unspoken trust. Sharing a new level of our life together. And the tears…they fell…one by one…neither of us trying to wipe them away. Both of us so focused on each other that it was a moment that I will never forget. The feeling, like a hunter capturing his prey. His prey could have tried to escape, but chose to stay…in the moment. Chose to let him have her.

I realized once the beast within retreated and I fell back into my civilized self, that I had just opened my windows. My soul was aching to come out. I knew that in that moment, I felt and revealed a part of my soul that had been hibernating for far too long. The winter of my life is officially over. Spring is here.

And yet I sit here, trying to share with you what I experienced this weekend. Trying to figure out a way to put it out there in words that can be understood.

And even I don’t fully understand it.

Maestro arrived at 5:07 am on Saturday morning. He decided to sleep for a while after work before making the drive to me, putting him here before daybreak. Things were different from the beginning. There was a different feel to his arrival. It didn’t feel like he was coming for a visit.

It felt like he was coming home.

And after such a long and tedious drive through the night, he was ready for bed. Or so I thought…

By 6:34 am, I’d had so many orgasms that I felt lightheaded. Each one was more intense than the previous one. The freshly laundered sheets were muddled in a matter of minutes and Maestro was intent on pushing further.

With his hand firmly grasping my throat, he growled, “I am not finished using you yet.”

And he carried on with his intent. Pushing me. Extracting ecstasy at every move. I was almost in a state of bewilderment, almost at my limit, when he relented and allowed me respite…giving me the opportunity to please him…to worship him.

We got little sleep and the kids were up very early. They were excited to see M. They adore him. We spent the majority of the day playing with them…and the babysitter arrived. We decided to grab an early dinner. I could tell Maestro was thinking about something, I could sense it. As we ate, he said, “I am coming here to stay. No more traveling back and forth. This is where I want to be. I have a job offer and it’s time to make the change.”

I was shocked. We had been talking about his relocation, with a projected time frame for the summer. So this was sudden and I was beyond happy. I need this man, this wonderful man, in my life daily…I need to be in his presence, daily.

So we sat there and planned. And he will be here this weekend. This is REALLY happening!

Looking back at the inception of this blog, of my journey at that time…I could have never dreamed that this would happen. I never dreamed that I would ever find the happiness, as I have with him. I never knew I could have the whole enchilada…have my cake and savor it too…

Think about it…I have been blessed with a man who loves and adores me.

And I love and adore him.

He loves my kids.

My kids love him.

He loves and accepts my family (my ailing father).

My family LOVES him.

He is able to fulfill my mind (not easy, I am an over-analytical, people pleaser)

He is able to lead and protect me.

He is able to take me to places I’ve never been.

He allows me to be my wickedly kinky self (as he is also wickedly kinky, even more than me).

And here we go…

My Master, as I am His…His slave.

He owns me, saying I am His most precious possession.

And we are about to embark on this crazy journey together as One.

So again, I am at a loss… a loss of what to say… a loss of the mess I was before.