‘The Bachelorette’: Is Brooks just not that into Des?

So, Drew loves Des blah blah blah. Chris loves Des blah blah blah. The show, in some respects, hits all the familiar benchmarks this week. “I love her more than I ever expected! I have no doubt that she’s the woman I’m going to marry!” Then, from Des, a slightly edited echo: “I can see a future with him! He’s so hot!” If you’ve seen one season of “The Bachelorette,” you can rest assured they’re working from the same script (which may or may not be literal) and it hardly needs repeating here. Basically, it’s all snuggling and romance in Antigua, at least until we have to deal with Brooks, aka Grumpy.

Drew and Chris get their time with Des (and those enticing fantasy suite passes). Des says she’s open to moving to Seattle for Chris and she’s okay with popping out pups for Drew. There’s a great deal of kissing, and if I had to choose between these two guys for Des, I’d say she seems comfortable but a little bored with Chris (the bad poet) and a little overwhelmed by Drew, who acts like he might spontaneously bite her head off like a female praying mantis after the deed is done. Not that it really matters, because most of her heart belongs to Brooks whether he likes it or not.

Alas, poor Des doesn’t know what’s coming. She is so glad she’s been able to spend this time in Antigua, so that all the relationships can become that much deeper! Except her relationship with Brooks, which is entirely one-sided.

Brooks sits down with Chris Harrison and admits his head is saying yes yes, but his heart is saying eh. It’s been nothing but amazing, but he forgets Des exists when she leaves the room. At this point, I can’t decide if Brooks is just cautious, if Brooks needs more time, or if he just doesn’t dig Des the way he needs to dig her. “Are you not sure, or are you telling me I’m not in love with this girl?” Chris Harrison asks.

Brooks replies, “Hmm. I don’t know.” So, no. Not in love.

Harrison suggests Brooks hang out with Des in the fantasy suite, because he’s really not ready for the show to go up in flames or watch Des jump off a hotel balcony. Finally, Brooks admits that if he doesn’t feel it yet, he’s not going to feel it. Chris Harrison is clearly in denial. “Are you 100 percent sure?” he squeaks, hoping against hope that Brooks will say, eh, you know, she looks like fun, let’s get married! Chris Harrison (for some reason, I just can’t call him Chris. Or Harrison. He is always Chris Harrison to me) asks Brooks to explain how he feels when he’s in love, in case he doesn’t know what that actually feels like. Brooks apparently associates love with pain, so I’m thinking he doesn’t.

Chris Harrison suggests Brooks is scarred by his parents’ divorce, but Brooks isn’t going down this path. Des ain’t it, Chris Harrison! Chris Harrison asks AGAIN if Brooks can clarify what’s going on in his twisty little head. Yeah, the more you push, the more he wants to go home.

Brooks is already preparing for the tears and heartache. I suspect he knows beyond a shadow of a doubt he was the frontrunner, as it was certainly clear enough to us as the audience, the other guys in the house, and, of course, Chris Harrison.

Chris Harrison tells Brooks he needs to man up and tell Des he doesn’t love her. He urges him to be honest and tell her what he’s feeling. Yes, rub salt in the wound! Drag it out! Tell her how you feel, so she feels really rotten! Then, hand her that “He’s Not That Into You Book” and a pint of Ben & Jerry’s. Maybe a bottle of booze.

Brooks knows he can’t force love, but it sucks to have to break up with someone he feels so strongly about and with whom he gets awesome paid vacations.

Des is like a little birdie about to run into traffic. Today will just be Brooks and I, enjoying the island sun! Holding hands! No stress! She would definitely say yes to a proposal! Hint, hint! But when she sees Brooks, she knows Something Is Wrong. Brooks wants to cry just looking at Des. WORST BREAK-UP EVER, Brooks. Worst. Break-up. Ever.

Rip off the Band-Aid! But no, he wants to tell Des how amazing she was initially (he’s over that now, of course) and how much he’s struggling (pssst, this is not about you, Brooks) and how happy he has been with her (not that he’s happy now). GET TO THE POINT.

Des tells Brooks she misses him every day. Brooks gets weepy, because he doesn’t miss her at all. And this is, of course, about him. Well, it’s a little about him. But I think the rule is that when you’re the one dumping someone, the dumpee is taking the brunt of it, so man the hell up.

Des, not being entirely stupid, starts crying, because even though Brooks can’t spit it out she gets the point. He tells her not to cry and holds her, which is probably comforting and infuriating for Des at the same time.

Just realized — she’s still sitting with her leg over his.

Des wants to know why this is happening now. He tells her it took him a long time to figure this out! And he knew he’d get killer frequent flyer miles to Antigua! She cries some more and tells him to stop touching her. Yeah, I think she’s moving from hurt to pissed at lightning speed, and I can’t blame her at all. She tells him she loves him. “Why didn’t you tell me that earlier?” Brooks squeaks, as if this would make a difference. Because she can’t, dumbass! Do you realize you’re on television at all?

There’s some sitting and some crying and some muttering. Des wants explanations. Don’t do it, Des! He explains he WANTS to be madly in love with her, but, you know, he’s not. She tells him she’s loved so hard and never been loved back! He wants so badly to hug her! Yeah, Brooks, I say let that go. Take your beating and slink away.

Also, you are SO not going to be the next “Bachelor,” Brooks.

“I don’t care that you just broke my heart. I love you,” Des says dolefully, her fake lashes heavy with tears. Brooks wants her to know he still cares for her, like a sister or a potted plant, I guess.

This is still going on. She doesn’t want to talk about it. Heck, I don’t want to watch it. At least when Des sends guys home, she pats them on the back and then ushers them into the limo. Stop hugging him, Des!

Brooks is surprised by how much Des loves him. He’s also surprised that after all this, he still didn’t want to leave her, but he had to eventually. BROOKS, STOP IT. Ah, never mind. He’s questioning himself.

Wait, more examining the wound! He wants to know why she was conflicted. She explains that she was saving her heart for HIM. Jeez, Brooks, stop stabbing the girl in the eye with an ice pick! He tells himself to shut up. Finally, Des tells him he needs to go. More hugging. More crying. Did we really need this in real time? I’m expecting an impromptu X-ray so we can see Des’ heart literally split in two as it happens. Des finally tells him to just leave so she can sit by herself. More hugging!

Finally, he takes off, and Des sits at the end of a pier. She cries. He cries. It’s the worst day of his life! Because, as we know, this is all about Brooks. Okay, I’m being mean. I’m glad he pulled the trigger now, as opposed to doing it later. Of course, I wish he had pulled the trigger a whole lot earlier, when she might have been able to bounce back and move on to another bachelor, but that’s asking too much, clearly.

So, the deed is done. What we sort of expected to happen has come to pass, and I really have no idea what could possibly happen next week. As she says, for her it’s over — as in, no more hunting for a husband on national TV. Maybe she can get really drunk, invite a few friends to hang with her in Antigua, and find some cabin boy to make her feel better. Unfortunately, I think that would be the basic cable version of “The Bachelorette.”