Advice for Obama on Inauguration Day

Well, here we are at inauguration time again. Those last four years just whizzed by, didn't they? Oh, the fun we had.

John Breneman

Well, here we are at inauguration time again. Those last four years just whizzed by, didn't they? Oh, the fun we had.

The debt ceiling debacles. The filibusters. Congress grinding to a halt instead of doing its job. The NRA coming out of the closet.

And what a fun coincidence that it falls this year on the Rev. Martin Luther King Jr. holiday. That's sure to provoke some hilarious jokes from some of our most intelligent Internet folks.

This just in: Obama is not a fascist, he was not born in Botswana and he is not going to steal your guns. But he does have a dream. It's called making America a better, safer, healthier place.

For help in crafting the historic speech he will deliver on Monday, President Obama apparently has sought out advice from friends, rivals and historical figures alike. And, yes, I have obtained a draft of those recommendations.

From Mitt Romney:

I've learned it is very important to pretend that you care about everybody in the country, and not just those earning above $250,000. And don't attempt any jocularity regarding $10,000 bets. I'm hoping the president will announce legislation to ensure, once and for all, that all the trees are the right height.

Hillary Clinton:

I've already got my speech pretty much written for January 2017. So I don't want to give away any spoilers. Just be yourself and use the day to make America feel good about herself.

Rick Perry:

If it was me, I'd promise to immediately abolish three federal agencies — Commerce, Education, and the ...; what's the third one there? Duh. The Bureau of Alcohol Tobacco and Firewater? Sorry. Oops.

George W. Bush:

The American people love it when you give 'em a bunch of cowboy talk like "bring 'em on," "smoke 'em out" and "dead or alive." The president should also promise to "clear all the brush" out of America's economy. Yeah, clear the brush.

Dan Rather:

He should utilize a lot of colorful expressions. You know, the economy is "crackling like a hickory fire" and Congress is like "a frog with side pockets."

Donald Trump:

Hussein Obama should use the occasion to announce that he was actually born in Kenya, and to resign the presidency effective immediately. Then he can apply to be my "Celebrity Apprentice" on NBC.

Former Missouri Rep. Todd Akin:

He should definitely mention "legitimate rape" at least three or four times. It's political gold. What could go wrong?

Newt Gingrich:

I hear Obama is thinking of stealing my idea for a lunar colony.

Dalai Lama:

Mr. Obama should encourage us all to avoid being so anxious about the future that we fail to live in the present. Also, remind everybody that love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. And that without them humanity cannot survive.

The NRA:

If Obama so much as mentions guns, he should be impeached.

Sarah Palin:

That America-hating socialist should stop palling around with terrorists long enough to promote some of my common-sense solutions to the problems facing all the Joe the plumbers and hockey moms in real America.

Mohandas K. Gandhi:

"You must be the change you wish to see in the world." No wait, he already used that one. Here's another good one: "Intolerance is itself a form of violence and an obstacle to the growth of a true democratic spirit." Yes, and Obama should also promise 20 percent more satyagraha.

Franklin D. Roosevelt:

The president should drop something historic, profound, poetic. I'm talking, "The only thing we have it fear is fear itself." I killed with that one back in 1933. Also, promise America something corny-sounding like a New Deal.

John F. Kennedy:

How about a call back to my line from the year Obama was born, 1961. Remember? "Ask not what your country can do for you — ask what you can do for your country." Either that, or I could totally get behind Gingrich's "colonize the moon" scheme.

Thomas Jefferson:

Sure, but I still think I said it best back on Inauguration Day 1801. "Let us, then, fellow citizens, unite with one heart and one mind. Let us restore to social intercourse that harmony and affection without which liberty and even life itself are but dreary things."

John Breneman, a Herald copy editor and columnist, can be reached at jbreneman@seacoastonline.com (Twitter: @MrBreneman).

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