I get in my own way a lot. My thoughts discount my ideas. Years of having a low self esteem have caused me to share my stories less with others. Instead I listen, I focus, I make them feel like every bit of what they are telling me matters – because if it matters to them then I can let it matter to me. But why don’t I share more then? If it matters to me, surely they will pay the curiosity and attention in return. Alas, I convince myself otherwise.

I have a weird goal this year. It’s to let others care more about me than I think I deserve. I want to share more because authenticity is a two-way street and the love I pour into others I, too, am allowed to feel.

Have you ever sat back and just listened to a conversation between two men who are acquaintances or new friends? Men, have you listened to yourself in a conversation with a new person? It’s not necessarily surface level but somehow there is still no substance. We tell stories to each other where we always wind up being the hero. We make fun of others that are not there to defend themselves. We tell tales of hookups that almost happened and why the other person is to blame that we did not get any. Or we tell jokes that never get sincere laughter. There is a profound layer of disconnection when many men communicate.

That disconnection can spawn from many sources. Some men may be introverts, who are traditionally slower at letting others in. Some could be tired or lazy and just don’t want to exert energy towards curiosity or compassion. But more often then not the disconnection occurs because of insecurity.

Insecurity causes humans to hold themselves back, to be more concerned with status, and to share less of their story. It forces one to assume more both about the other person and about how we think they feel about us. This leads to building walls, talking defensively, and prevents us from getting hurt. But it also prevents us from connection.

One of my favorite movies of all time is Good Will Hunting. And in one of my favorite scenes, we can see both sides of men in conversation—the insecurity, and the connection. Notice how flippantly Matt Damon’s character is speaking in the beginning. When is the last time you were that way in a conversation? How did you leave that convo: indifferent or insightful?

Then watch the way Robin Williams’ character opens the door to connection. Who was the last person you interacted with that did not let the conversation stay disconnected? How did you leave that convo: indifferent or insightful?

Men we have the opportunity to change the way we speak to each other, but it is going to take courage. Take another man out for late night pancakes and allow yourself to be curious about him. Much like Robin Williams’ character, that may mean sharing some of your own story first, but that’s a risk you must take. As he said in the clip, “Your move, Chief.”

I am excited to announce that I will be doing more programming targeted at men specifically. To read about my new keynote/workshop please click here!

Quick warning, there is some vulgarity in the clip. Please try to push past that and see the deeper meaning. And if the video does not work, here is a link to the video on YouTube.

If there is one thing the election hopefully has taught a lot of people, it is that we are not good at listening to each other. (Don’t worry. This is not a political post. Just stick with me) As someone living in New York City surrounded by millions of other liberals I was stunned watching states like Wisconsin, Michigan, and Pennsylvania turn red. Turns out, I have no idea what it feels like to live in “The Rust Belt” and watch people around me struggle to find jobs and give their families the life they wish they could.

And I watched, after a man played on people’s fears and further marginalized people of color, women, immigrants, and Muslims, almost half of all voters overlook those hateful epithets, further dividing a country that he now has the duty to bring back together. Social media looked like thousands of people all trying to have a conversation with their own megaphone. Most of it was an unproductive hot mess. I would be fascinated to see data about if Facebook posts actually changed people’s minds, or if it just caused us to fall deeper into our own worlds, causing deeper rifts between political colors.

No matter what, what did not happen enough was listening to each other. Politics and religion bring out the worst in us. Compassion, patience, and having an open mind often gets thrown out the window. We are so set in our ways that we no longer regard others’ opinions and stories. If we are ever going to progress, this has to change.

We have all been taught at some time or another what active listening is. For those who need a refresher, active listening means:

Maintain good eye contact

Square your shoulders to face the other person

Do not interrupt

Nod your head a various points

Paraphrase what the other person said before asserting your own, well thought out, response or prior to asking another question.

Those all sound great, and sure, they could work. But I would like to offer an alternative:

Care.

Just care, friends. When you care about someone you naturally lean in, maintain good eye contact, ask better questions, etc. It is possible for you to fake active listening, believe me I have done it. But it is not possible to fake caring. When someone tries to fake caring it is so blatantly obvious (perhaps you watched the Presidential debates?). It’s time to start having better conversations. It’s time to start caring.

People tell me they hate small talk because it is inauthentic and surface. The main way we shift from
small talk into meaningful dialogue is by choosing to car. When humans choose to care about someone else they slow down. Caring people are question-askers, rather than explainers and advice-givers. They practice patience AND empathy.

I am not sure when it became cool to not care, but the phrase “zero fucks” has permeated its way deep into our culture. If you don’t give any fucks, then what will you ever be proud of? It’s time to change the way we interact with each other. Start with your next conversation. Catch yourself if your brain wanders and then reinvest, lean in, share something about yourself, ask a deeper question, reflect about their answer. This election did not teach me that we are not listening to each other, it just reinforced that unfortunate reality. Let us be better humans. Let us care.

It’s hard to write when you don’t know what to say. It’s hard to smile when you don’t know if you’re allowed. It’s hard to laugh when you don’t think you deserve to. It’s hard to speak when you question your every word. It’s hard to trust when you lie. It’s hard to be present when all you do is question. It’s hard to be happy when nothing is enough. It’s hard to move on when you caused a mess. It’s hard to help when you’re not the person who is allowed to help anymore. It’s hard to give advice when you’re a hypocrite. It’s hard to be loved when you do not love yourself. It’s hard to reach out to others when you’re lost. It’s hard to change. It’s hard to be loved. It’s hard to be selfish.

It’s easy to stay where you are. It’s easy to blame yourself for everything. It’s easy to stew in guilt. It’s easy to settle. It’s easy to never question. It’s easy to never ask for help. It’s easy to go at it alone. It’s easy to assume. It’s easy to run. It’s easy to tell other people what they should do. It’s easy to think you know what’s right. It’s easy to find fault in others. It’s easy to follow society’s path. It’s easy to fall into and stay in routines. It’s easy to be selfish.

We all have something we are going through. We all question from time to time if we are doing the right thing. Many of us do not want to be seen as selfish while at the same time strive to live a life where we are happy. Internal conflict is going to happen, but just as my buddy Greg once told me, “It does not make it wrong. It just makes it hard.” And you and I can make it through hard, friend.

Got to love the emergency exit row on the plane, aka “1st class for the working class.” I’m what you would call an “extra healthy” American so I greatly appreciate the extra legroom. Call me weird but getting my knees crushed milliseconds after takeoff by a rambunctious seat recline by the 5’2” middle-aged kindle-reading individual in front of me is not my idea of comfort.

The exit row comes with its responsibilities, though. You have to read the safety brochure to know how to throw the door out and you have to get the rafts floating. You have to actually pay attention to the flight attendant safety briefing because they give you extra guilty looks if you don’t. One of the most disregarded parts of the emergency exit row experience is the question they ask you before taxiing to the runway: “Are you willing and able to help out in case of an emergency?”

That question got me thinking…what if we asked a very similar question to students and our newer employees?

“Are are you willing and able to lead?”

I am very fortunate, I get to speak to thousands of individuals every year and one of the questions I most consistently get asked when I speak at colleges is, “We have a lot of students in our organization who are not stepping up and taking leadership roles when they are available. So what should we do?”

Let’s have a quick moment of honesty; not every student or newer employee is ready to be a leader, at least in the capacity or at the time that we may want/need them to be. And that is OK! Please note: this means students and new employees should still be sought out and empowered to take leadership roles but we need to realize not everyone is looking or ready for that experience. So you need to use your time and resources wisely. That is why I think we need to ask: Are you willing and able to lead? Let’s break that down.

First: Student/Newer employee, are you willing to lead? When we ask this question we are also asking the following questions: Are you excited to lead? Do you have a vision? Do you care enough to prioritize this role? Are you prepared to hold others accountable? Are you ready to make potentially unpopular decisions?

Second:Student/Newer employee, are you able to lead? In asking this question we are also inquiring: Do you have adequate time in your schedule for this? What other leadership experience do you have or have you observed? How do you handle conflicts? Are you good at saying “no?” How do you handle politics and straddling the line of appeasing those above you and pushing your organization’s agenda?

All of a student/newer employee’s answers do not need to be perfect or fully flushed out. There is a lot of value in attempting to lead and struggling at it, as a way of experiential learning. Also, as we all know, we are good at getting in our own way and sometimes we need someone to motivate us to try something new. A good advisor can tell the difference between students who will be overwhelmed by a position and students who are just unsure of themselves. I firmly believe that student/newer employee’s roles are a valuable “leadership residency,” equivalent to a medical residency – just with less blood…hopefully. But rarely do we ask the questions above before a student is in their position. If we did, we, as supervisors and advisors, would be better at setting up our organizations for success because we bring expectations to where there is blind optimism, more concrete thoughts to dreams, and the idea time management into seemingly never-full-enough calendars. If we approached our teams differently, we would see an increase in forethought among our students individually and collectively, as well as a likely decrease in burnout among our student leaders and newer employees.

Supervisors, advisors, and experienced student leaders, it is time to have more honest conversations with your newer employees, students, and peers, respectively, before they take on leadership positions. A little more work upfront will better set up our organizations and communities for greatness. We should ask would-be (or should-be) interested students and newer employees: Are you willing and able to lead?

There are many ways to build clout as a leader. You can be intelligent and competent, have a record of success, talk the talk and walk the walk, get praise from others who are respected, etc. But I think there is one often-overlooked way to earn respect: be relatable.

If you are a “Humans of New York” fan as I am, perhaps you already saw the picture and caption below. Either way, it deserves another look/read because I think it is a perfect example of the power of relatability.

“My students like pro wrestling, so I try to keep up with it so I can talk to them. And if there’s a new video game that I hear them talking about, I’ll go pick it up. The big one now is NBA 2k. I’ve created a player profile and everything. My player is 7’4.” He’s a monster. But anyway, I just want to participate in the conversations they enjoy, because I know there are going to be times when there needs to be a tough conversation. And I want them to know that I cared about them before there was a problem.”

As you can already guess, I LOVE THIS. This teacher gets it. That last line, “And I want them to know that I cared about them before there was a problem.” gives me goosebumps. Tough conversations are bound to happen. However, if you earned the respect of your team, students, and/or children by putting in the work to connect with them and meet them where they are, those conversations are met with more open minds and less resistance.

As a leader it is imperative we remind those around us that we are human. It is also crucial we remind ourselves those around us are humans, too. If we do not, then we place unrealistic expectations on our team and wonder why there is a lack of motivation to go the extra mile. A good friend of mine, CEO of Sunshine Brands and author of CARE Leadership, Peter Van Stralen, recently said, “Care for your teams’ wellbeing and they will care for yours.”

Striving to be more relatable looks different for every population, but it is worth the work. Here are some things I do that students I speak to say they appreciate: I listen to Taylor Swift’s latest album, try to have an educated opinion about the NBA and NHL playoffs, I am on Pinterest.com to see modern design and fashion trends, I use their slang, and I like and listen to “trap music” and “EDM.” Not all of these things I care deeply about, but if you do not like Taylor Swift, we may have “bad blood” (#nailedit). Please note: you do not have to make your student, supervisee, or child’s passion your passion. But you must at least be open to learning and/or experiencing it.

How do you intentionally connect with others you work with? What steps do you take to let others know you are human? If you have not tried to be relatable, what roadblocks keep you stuck in your lane? Who is someone in your life that let you in a little and now you respect him or her more because of it?

Super Bowl Sunday, aka “The Other Christmas” in America. I had my flights setup so that I could get home and indulge in as many dips as possible while watching the game and rooting for any team that had the opportunity to beat the Patriots. Alas the airplane, weather and football Gods had other plans for me because my flights got delayed and jerked around and, sadly, the Patriots won. Fortunately for me, though, on my flight from DC to Syracuse I met an airplane friend – Jesse.

Jesse and I were snugged up in the exit row for an hour longer than we should have been because Washington Dulles Airport (IAD) could not get their stuff together. The two of us looked like two lovable hipsters from Brooklyn with our newsie hats, beards, and horn-rimmed glasses. I forget how our conversation started, but I am glad it did.

Jesse is originally from Los Angeles and he went to school at Humboldt State in NorCal. He studied literature there and met his future wife in the process. He proposed to his wife on stage at a concert of a former hardcore turned singer/songwriter artist. Jesse had reached out to the artist when he heard he was going to be in LA. He agreed and suggested that Jesse come up during one of his songs. That was Jesse’s least favorite song by the artist but beggars can’t be choosers so he agreed. After their engagement he and his wife got married in a barn in central California.

For a few years after undergrad Jesse was a freelance programmer. He would alternate between taking jobs that paid well and jobs that were in the non-profit sector. He is passionate about energy conservation. When that became unfulfilling both he and his then girlfriend/fiancée decided they wanted to go back to school, her for library sciences and him for 18th Century Literature. They applied to a bunch of the same schools, she got into every one and he only got into Syracuse, so that’s where they chose! She received her masters and now works as a archivist for one of Syracuse University’s specialized collections. Jesse just finished is dissertation and is well on his way to being Dr. Jesse.

I asked him why he chose 18th Century Literature as his focus. He said he is actually studying food in 18th Century Literature. So he had read a ton of historical cookbooks as well as other pieces written during that time. He said the reason this fascinated him is because he has found that it is during the 18th Century when culturally based cuisines began to be celebrated and assimilated into other cultures. For example, the signature curry dishes of India started being made in European nations and being referred to as “Indian food.”

We talked a lot about food, which was just fine with me. I found out that Jesse does not really like barbecue, which broke my heart a little, especially because he lives minutes from one of the best BBQ joints in the country, the original Dinosaur BBQ. So we talked about foie gras, sweetbreads, Napa valley wines, how we both want to eat our way around Montreal, and how he hates all beer from New York.

Jesee has taken his passion for food and culture one step further than most with the help of his background in programming. He recently developed a program that tracks what ingredients and colors are most prominent in cultural cuisines. By using it you can punch in the ingredients of a dish and find out what nationality it is most likely derived from.

Other fun facts are that Jesse is obsessed with Soccer. The LA Galaxy is his favorite team and he actually has a tattoo of their logo. Indian is the culture he is the most fascinated by and the country he wants to visit the most. He has been to Burma a number of times because that is where his mother was born. Sadly, though, he never traveled there as an adult who was excited about diving into the culture. He is hoping to find a professor job somewhere in the Pacific Northwest after he is done at Syracuse I hope that whatever tenure-track position Jesse is able to land after completing his doctorate allows him to travel, until then, though, I am just glad we are airplane friends.

I was asked in a recent interview, “What advice would you give to educators who want to inspire students?” In short, my answer was: Stop telling other people’s stories and start telling your own.

Soapbox time. One of my BIGGEST speaker pet peeves is when I hear a speaker quote Gandhi, Martin Luther King, Jr., Mother Theresa, Nelson Mandela, etc., etc. I think it’s easy, hack, and cliché. Educators, we are better than that. I personally feel it’s not the best use of my words because I am none of those people, and nor will ever I be. If I hear one more time that Michael Jordan got cut from his high school basketball team or that Wayne Gretsky said, “You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I may boil over. Shout out to Steve Jobs, Henry David Thoreau, and Eleanor Roosevelt. Everyone who I have listed is amazing. They are heroes, societal game changers, the best at what they did, the most innovative, stupidly impressive and worthy of all of the respect and admiration they have.

But here is what we have to remember, mentors. Today’s students will become us before they become the world’s future heroes. Trying to inspire someone with one of the individuals above makes as much sense as trying to motivate a small boy who wants to be a lumberjack with Paul Bunyan’s story. It’s an amazing tale but it’s unrealistic. Instead, introduce that boy to the local logger who is climbing the ladder of success. Or maybe stop cutting down trees…but that’s a topic for another day.

Please note: I’m not saying we can’t have our mentees and our audiences dreaming big. I am saying that we need to give them realistic palpable examples and steps of how to chase down those dreams.

Quotes are an efficient and effective way to springboard into a point, but speakers who quote these people and then drop the mic are doing it wrong. It is only after we break down quotes and follow them up with examples relevant to our audience that we can lead an audience member to water and inspire her or him to drink.

We do that by telling our own stories, where we succeeded, where we slipped and what we learned from both. Inspiring students with personal and tangible examples of things like: creating change, following passion, being better leaders, making a difference, and/or being more socially and globally conscious will expose them to more substantial true-to-life approaches with to how to start.

Here is the kicker, my fellow educators; your story is good enough. Sometimes we feel the need to tell other’s stories because we are self-conscious about our own not having enough weight. Believe me, that’s the exact reason I spoke for free for 3-4 years. Spoiler alert friends: your story is plenty powerful and way more accessible and therefore will be way more effective in inspiring others than if you try and tell someone else’s. So, tell me your story.

“Ha! I told ya so!”
“I knew that was going to happen.”
“People never listen to me around here.”
“That was so-and-so’s job.”
“I was waiting for XYZ to happen first”
“Oops”

Ever heard any of these phrases before? Ever said any of these phrases before, out loud or in your head? The answer is “yes” to both of those. So with that out in the open, let me ask you this: When does something become your responsibility?

We have become so good at passing the buck and making excuses for why things don’t get done. Believe me, I know this first hand because I am an idea person. You want an innovative way to approach a problem? I got you. You expect me to follow it through to the end and then assess it, too? Whoa there cowgirl, I’m already onto my next idea but you’re welcome for that one!

That’s my unacceptable excuse, what is yours? Are you lazy? Are you trying to fly under the radar therefore you just do what’s required of you and nothing more? Did you forget to delegate? Did you neglect to tell who ever asked you for help that you do not actually have the time? Is it not a priority for you? Are you bitter or resentful? Are you afraid of letting people down so much so that you regularly let people down and spend most of your time apologizing? Are you a member of the “Whoa is me” club? Are you disorganized? Or do you just not care?

I once had a supervisor who had the best hindsight. If the Air Force factored in hindsight in their pilot vision testing she would have graduated at the top of her class. It was super frustrating to work with her. After any event the department put on she would be right there at the next staff meeting telling us all of the things we should have done and made us feel pretty stupid. Most of the time she knew about the events ahead of time and could have easily offered her input before, but rarely, if ever, opted to do so.

We are all part of the “Tired and Busy Club.” Don’t believe me? The last time someone asked you how you are, did you respond with, “good but busy” or “tired”? Welcome to the club. Don’t worry, it’s the largest club worldwide, there’s just no leadership because no one has the time. The bottom line is that we get in our own way and we prioritize poorly.

I most certainly do it! If I prioritized my time better I would: work out, write a rap album, promote myself to corporate audiences, write and film more sketches, do more leisure travel with my wife, not be afraid to have children, and maybe even write a new “Robo Thought” post more than once every other week!

So when does something become our responsibility? Now. It’s time for all of us to step up. If you’re a part of an organization and/or a department that you care about, then everything from the paperwork to the critical feedback to the celebrations is your responsibility. If you don’t care, then leave, job search, resign. Our organizations don’t need people with great hindsight, who think it’s other people’s jobs to make us great, and who do not make us a priority. We need people to be proactive, to provide feedback at the appropriate time and place, and fill in the gaps they see. We need people to take responsibility.

I would love to hear your thoughts about this so let’s start the conversation in the comments section below or tweet me, @JamesTRobo!

I saw Robin Williams once. He was standing outside of a Starbucks on W60th in Manhattan next to a bike leaning on a parking sign and talking on the phone. I realized who he was as I walked past but he was on the phone so I didn’t say anything. Instead I walked about 30 feet past him and pulled out my phone and pretended to text someone. I waited a few moments for him to get off the phone so I could tell him what I wanted to say but then a black Chevy Suburban pulled up, he got in and drove past me.

“Thank you,” that’s what I wanted to tell him. Just, “thank you.”

You see, for me, Robin Williams gave me hope as an actor and more. My high school drama director told me that I played too big to ever be in a dramatic roll. And, he was right because I am a bit of a ham. But he was also “right” because that’s all he ever let me be. Then my senior year he took what I am sure he felt was a risk and cast me as Billy Bigalow in the musical Carousel. After the show wrapped he said he was sorry he doubted me – that I could play a serious roll. I knew I could do it because Robin Williams did it.

We all have someone in our lives that gives us hope that we can be what we dream. I loved everything I saw Robin Williams in. From watching SCTV with my parents to Dead Poets Society to Toys, to his stand-up, to Aladdin to…you get the idea. It was watching him in “Good Will Hunting” that gave me hope, though. So often in our lives we know how much we bring to the table. But, sadly, others only choose to see a sliver of it and make assumptions on the rest. I love being the funny guy on and off stage and I don’t want that to ever change but I also want the world to see me through a wider lens. How about you? What are the other adjectives that more fully describe you that you wish others would also say past the vague “she/he is sweet, nice, funny, smart, etc.” that you usually hear?

All of this comes back to a very powerful word: validation. Yes, it’s important to self-validate but that becomes a whole lot easier when someone who looks and or acts like you accomplishes what you, too, would like to accomplish one day. For some, it’s seeing someone of the same skin color, gender, or orientation achieve a position never thought possible. It’s different for everyone. For me, Robin Williams validated my goals of wanting to become not just an actor, but a person who has depth and range way beyond what his go to jokey-self may allude.

Kanye West said in his song, “Big Brother,” one of my favorite quotes: “If you admire somebody you should go ‘head tell ‘em. People never get the flowers while they can still smell ‘em.” Thank you, Robin Williams. I’m sorry I never got to tell you that in person…I guess I should have interrupted your phone call.