I mentioned in one of my previous blogs that I rather did not want to do
the whole puking thing, because it seemed like too much of a hassle.

So now that I was in the position where I felt "forced" to puke, because
otherwise I would not be able to move/progress any further -- I found
the whole puking thing rather interesting. It was as if I had found a
'loophole' or 'cheat'.

Where I had previously been quite strict with myself in terms of my food
intake and not eating anything besides that which would 'give me away'
-- I now started indulge in bits and pieces. Because now I could tell
myself that 'it's alright - you can just puke it out later again, no
harm done'. But after doing some 'little' indulging (like say, one slice
of chips, or a taste of something sweet) -- I suddenly had this wave or
more like tsunami run over me, where I just broke down and STUFFED
myself. I had been starving myself for sooo long and not eating any of
the foods I so loved before -- and now with this 'cheat': I just caved
in. I ate and I ate and I ate and I did not stop until I was as stuffed
as I could be. And then the tears came, and the guilt
and the shame and the throwing up. I struggled for a while with that,
where I would constantly move from one polarity to another, from total
strictness to total stuffedness -- where I would deprive myself from
foods for a while and then it would just backfire and BAM binge party.

In a way this was cool to really see how we live in polarity designs, going from one polarity to another like a very bouncy ball.

After having puked so much and it having had an impact on my body where I just couldn't handle puking anymore because of the blood and pain
involved, I got really scared and wanted to stop. I figured that since I
created this condition through deliberately managing my mind to bring about this type of behaviour -- I could now just reverse it using the same techniques again.

I was pretty
confident that I could do this, it made sense that since I created it I
could also uncreate it. Then I got in for a surprise, because it was
not as easy as I thought. In the beginning of my endeavor (as mentioned
in Day 157: Generating an Eating Disorder – The Power of Thoughts
- Part 1 ) adapting thoughts typical to eating disorder behaviour was
very hard as it wasn't automatic and I had to formulate and bring about
each thought very specifically. However, as I had now progressed in time
-- the thoughts were no longer 'forced' and had become completely
automated. So while I thought that I could just 'quickly reverse it' -- I
got faced with quite the opposite. It seemed that no matter how hard I
tried, the thoughts, the images, the emotional
experiences, the swearing at myself -- all those points I took so long
to create and imprint within myself -- just wouldn't stop. They were
there all the time, around every corner, within every reaction -- it had
become my entire reality. Uh oh - crap...

So it was interesting to see how my 'plan' had actually manifested. All the time and energy invested in managing my mind
in a forced way had accumulated in it integrating and becoming me. I
was no longer controlling my thoughts, my thoughts were controlling me. I
got a bit stressed a this point, because I had expected myself to
remain 'in control' and now it was getting clear that I wasn't - how was
I going to stop?

Then, at some point when I was at my lowest weight (about 52 kgs at
1.78m) and I had been doing the whole not eating thing for quite a long
time, we went on a one week holiday by the coast. This was like one of
my biggest fears,
because I preferred school-time over holiday as this was the easiest
time to avoid being around the watchful eyes of my parents. So now I had
to eat breakfast, lunch and dinner with my family
every day -- and generally when our family would go on holidays, we'd
also eat all the 'extras' -- so now I was eating all of those as well.
And I couldn't risk to puke, because the apartment we were in was tiny
so everyone would be able to hear me puke and it would be harder to cover up afterwards.

Everyday I would weight myself, and everyday I would see the indicator
of the scale go up and up and up. I was in complete despair.

Then one day, we were about to eat mac and cheese for lunch -- and in that moment I just gave up.
I had gained so much weight, while I had struggled for such a loooong
time to lose it, and now it was back in a matter of DAYS. I just
couldn't do it anymore - and then I caved and I caved hard and I stuffed
myself and basically went 'fuck it, fuck this shit' and I cried and I
cried. And I always remembered that moment as 'my fall'- almost like I
was an angel that had fallen from heaven, into disgrace.

I never really understood how much that moment had affected me. Only a year or so ago, I was experiencing myself down, depressed
and like a completely failure and I was writing about how I was
experiencing myself and I just couldn't get 'where' this was coming from
-- and then suddenly it just dawned to me - it was still an outflow of
that one moment where I just gave up and crashed, and experienced myself
as a huge failure and after that event, I never stopped experiencing
that point, it just became 'who I am'. It's like the moment never stopped, it was still busy running.

I still tried once in a while to 'pick up' on it again, to try and start
over, but it just didn't work out. So then I turned my back on that
part of my life and slowly but surely went 'back to normal'.