The Blair Witch Project

A Film Review by McCutcheon

Not so long ago three young filmmakers
set out in search of a dark and evil legend that haunts a heavily
wooded region in Maryland. They never returned. But the film they
shot was later found, developed, and edited by Haxan films.

The footage the guys at Haxan films put together
was just released and is currently scaring the shit out of people
in theaters across America. Pax Acidus called them up for a feature
article. They wouldnt talk to us. Unofficial reports are that
the film company boys are out in Hollywood, relaxing poolside, snorting
cocaine off bimbos breasts.

Not easily discouraged, the Sloth came up with
a brainstorm. He sent McCutcheon out into the deep woods armed
with only a laptop, tape recorder, little food, a sleeping bag and
loads of wine and drugs. The idea was to have McCutcheon get an
exclusive interview with the elusive Blair witch.

McCutcheon never came back. But his laptop and
tape recorder was latter found. The Sloth entered the journal entries
on Pax Acidus.

Day One:
Not much happening. Just hiking through the woods. Smoking those
joints you rolled me. Fuck they are strong. Im so stoned I
dont know where the hell I am. You ever notice how cool nature
is? I found all these rock piles and stick figures hanging from
these trees. Nature is fucking cool man!

Day Two:
Little chilly from the sleep last night. Came across some more stick
figures. Plus all these kids voices. Man was I stoned. To help fight
the chill I start on the wine.

Day Three:
Passed out and slept soundly. Woke up and there was this weird slime
all over. Kinda like in Ghostbusters, but not as much. Im
too hungover to really care. I light another joint.

Day Four:
I drop the acid. Wow. Micro dots are powerful. I come to a house.
There are hand prints all over the place. This is cool. There are
voices and distant drumming in the background. Not as good as an
Orbital concert but what do you expect from the middle of nowhere?
Im kinda horny. I hope that witch is hot.

Day Five:
Still trippin. I took three Mitsubishis an hour ago. They
havent kicked in. Im still hanging out in the house.
The witch and I might throw a rave out here. The cops will never
find this place.