Archive for the Uma Thurman Category

This just in, Uma Thurman is still not a man, despite what her hands have been trying to tell us all these years…and she still confidently put on a bikini, even if there should have been a little resistance on her part, you know a little insecurity, self doubt…negotiations as to whether there were other options for her…but I’ll still stare but more because I’m trying to understand why I have the same bikini body as her…am I the one with the pear shaped problem with high estrogen levels thanks to not taking care of myself…or is she the pear shaped body with high testosterone…or worse..am I Uma Thurman? Or do I just look like her in a bikini…too many questions I don’t have answers for, this is too deep for me this hungover in the day… but I do have the pics of UMA and I Date you to look at them……

Earlier today, when I was fully absorbed in my hangover and not thinking straight, because I live with an obese woman and she has that effect on me….I made a crazy statement about MY BIOLOGICAL CLOCK TICKING CUZ I KEEP SEEING MOMS WITH NICE ASSES ….but these Uma Thurman, man hands, squatting on her yacht, you know ready to drop in a way I think the baby’s head crowning through her bathing suit, or maybe that’s just her mangled twat from other pregnancies, brought me back down to earth……gave me that perspective I needed….parasite fetus in womb is marketed as being natural…but shit is straight out of a sci/fi movie.

Unlike Tarantino, I do not find Uma Thurman hot. She’s built like a fucking tank. Her hands are big enough to make even the biggest dick look like it is tiny and getting jerked off by a jolly green giant, a fetish to some, but not to me, cuz as a dude with a small penis, I only hire hookers with deformed hands, you know all underdeveloped and the size of a 5 year olds’….not that it matters, she’s showing cleavage, and that’s all you sick fucks care about, you’d fuck a AIDS baby in africa without a condom if it had a set of fucking implants.

I never found Uma Thurman hot…that was not until today….I guess she go some good botox, make-up artist, photographer, slimming pants, I don’t fucking know, I just know that her white dress that would suck to get her period in, provided she still gets her period, and isn’t too old to get her period, makes me ignore her manly hands and hard face that I’ve never seemed to get over all these years in trying to figure out why Tarantino was hard for her and put her in all her movies….until just coming to the conclusion that film nerds, even rich and successful onces people consider a genius, are still fucking nerds and get happy when all girls, even average at best with man hands answer their calls. True story.

I’m guessing Uma Thurman is doing the “I can’t get that much work, but China is willing to pay me 100,000,000 dollars to be in a shitty commercial” hustle….Not that this is an ad from China, but it is an ad, and you know when a celebrity starts doing ads, they’re out for the money.

That said, I don’t know what the fuck Schweppes was thinking lining this bitch up with a part that implies sex on any level, everytime she mentions where she wants to have “schweppes” I crings as I look at her man hands that would make my dick look like more of a clit while in the handjob positions….

And I think to myself, why the fuck didn’t they hire someone for the same amount of money, who the general public actually wants to think about having sex, and not just someone Quentin Tarantino used to make use a strap-on for him in exchange for endless roles in his movie…

You see, this is a major disconnect from what the people want and what the gay marketers think we want.

But watch it anyway, you may like it, you know, with the whole closet case shit you’re going through….

I was never a fan of Uma Thurman. There was never anything hot about her, except maybe her big tits, but like all things attached to a woman, they age and end up sloppy as fuck….but I have a feeling that your comic book loving, virgin, tit loving cuz you weren’t breast fed and haven’t played with enough tits, seeing the real deal Uma Thurman is far more exhilerating than the Kill Bill action figure you’ve been stuffing into your ass the last Monday for the last three years, cuz Tuesday is for Rose McGowan, Wednesday Rosario Dawson, Thursday for Sarah Michelle Gellar and the rest of the week is for the other women you see in movies who your delusional ass thinks you are married to because you stapled her pics to your bed…..

Here’s a fucking useless piece of information….this is Uma Thurman’s ex-fiance on the beach with his new girlfriend….she’s in her bikini and looks pretty fucking masculine…I guess this guy is into chicks who looks like they should have dicks….

I just shoved my finger in an 18 year old girl’s mouth sexually and it wasn’t a hit.

I don’t know why, it was impulsive but I am sure it had to do with her perky tits being in my fucking face.

It wasn’t a random attack. I know the girl from around, she works the cash at the pharmacy down the street from me and we talk sometimes, that’s why I was so shocked when she called her manager and had me escorted out after I took things to the next level.

I hate pointing the “blame” finger, I rather stick it in a girl’s mouth/vagina/anus, but she was totally asking for it with those half-exposed fucking tits. Tits I can only imagine Uma once had when she was 18. But now she’s just a sloppy mess.

I decided to go out and get a sandwich and was stuck waiting in line behind what I thought was a normal fat middle aged construction worker. He turned as was looking my direction and I didn’t think anything of it. My hands were full cuz I was carrying some shit and my hair was in my eyes, in one of my gayer maneuvers, I whisked my hair back like some kind of supermodel in a beach photoshoot, unintentionally. This caught the construction workers attention and dude was staring at me straight up llike I was also some kind of bear and we were going to go fuck in the back of his pick up truck. I ignored the looks, ordered my sandwich and when I asked her to put salami on it, the motherfucker licked his lips and moaned “mmmmm, i love salami”. I didn’t know how to react so I did what any normal person would do and followed him to the bathroom to suck his dick.

No seriously, you should never turn down a hook up, but I am not inot that whole gay thing, I just ended up paying and leaving the place feeling like I had just been raped, but with a new ego boost, because if horny gay overweight construction workers want a piece, there’s bound to be a girl equally desperate out there.

Speaking of overweight dudes who like to fuck, here are some Uma Thruman pregnancy bikini pictures from the other day, because I am slow moving.

Uma Thurman brought her big old tits out to play on the beach in a bikini because she’s got nothing better to do and despite boring me, they may excite you and that’s what I am here for, It doesn’t give me much pleasure knowing that some of you weirdos may jerk off to my site, but I guess it’s something I just have to accept and being someone who can’t jerk off to the shit I do, I guess I should be more appreciative of the fact that someone can because sometimes lonely nights of jerking off are better than nights spent with girls crying after having had slept with you because they realized the kind of disrespect they just but their body through out of a lapse in judgement brought on by being dumped by their boyfriend, not that that should stop you, or that you should care why they are doing what they are doing, you just need to seize the opportunity and take everything you can out of that vulnerable girl.

BONUS – Uma Thurman hangs with a fat chick in the age-old strategy to make herself appear hotter and skinnier than she really is. It’s some David Copperfield illusion shit that always seems to work.

So Uma Thurman was at some fashion event and decided to show up in some see through dress and you’re not complaining because it’s been a while since you’ve seen a nipple in the flesh, and this is almost the next best thing, but not really because you are still sitting at home alone in front of your computer, crying on the inside.

I am just teasing man, I don’t want you to kill yourself, but I do know a few people who should probably kill themselves and one of them was this dude I saw the other day having a fucking fit because a dude let his dog piss on his grass. The guy came out of his house screaming and started throwing fists at the dude with the dog and I just stood about 10 feet away watching and laughing because I like watching problems unfold before me, like I am watching TV, even though it was real life. I also went to a bar the other day and wanted to know how much the tequila was, and the bitch just looked at me like I wasn’t even in the fucking place so I moved in on her and asked her if she could speak or if she was just a mute bitch because I could tell she was stupid but didn’t realize she was that stupid, she wasn’t impressed so I moved onto 2 fat chicks who were dancing and asked if they were professionally trained, because that’s my pick up line, feel free to use it. They were doing the running man and had about as much rhythm as my dick coming in and out of erection, which isn’t very much. Either way, they tried to snob me out so I decided to introduce every fucking dude who walked into the place to them like they were famous until they got their boyfriends and friends to come after me and get physical, but not Olivia Newton John physical, I’m talking trying to rough me up….

Either way, here’s Uma Thurman’s tits in a dress that is fashionable to me because it’s see through and I am still waiting for all clothes to be see through. I know you like her because she was Kill Bill and that shit’s as close as movies get to being a comic book and you relate well to comic books.

Here are some pictures of Uma Thurman in a bathing suit. I figured that the site is about bitches in bikinis and I have no choice but to post them. I have been getting a lot of hate mail from people saying that I’ve lost my edge, that I am not as funny as I used to be, that the site isn’t worth visiting anymore and that it’s going down hill. Reality is that it was never really good, it couldn’t go downhill and that I was always rock bottom. The only difference now is that you’ve heard all my stories, you’ve heard all my lame jokes and you’ve seen all the pictures I post on other sites a day before I get them up. I am actually shocked that I’ve been able to convince you 10-15 people to keep reading.

I ran into a guy I hadn’t seen in years the other day. He strapped down, got married, moved to the suburbs, stopped going out, gave up on life, sits at home and watches movies with his wife every friday night because she’s tired from the week’s work and spends saturdays going to flea markets or home depot to buy supplies to fix up their dream home….Either way, dude grabbed me by the collar and told me how he spends his days on the site and that my writing makes him really fucking horny.

I didn’t realize that I was turning people on, especially men I once used to hang out with and the fact that the only person I turn on with my writing is a 300 pound 45 year old dude kinda makes me feel awkward especially when he’s thanking me for changing his life. Reality is that I have never really turned anyone on in my life. I don’t write anything sexy and the girls I have been in bed with blame being drunk and dehydrated for their parched vaginas to be nice and not put added focus on my serious inadequacies.

If you want something to actually turn you on, think White Bathing Suit. These fucking things are always semi see through and revealing and designed for a good fucking time. I am not going to get into her wrist brace and how you’ve got medical restraint fetishes because injured vulnerable girls who are bound by casts turn you on, because that’s not the kind of show I am trying to run here.

Enjoy the tits, I am not even going to talk about her dumpy ass because I’ve already written too much that you won’t read. Asshole.

I was walking home last night and some fat drunk chick in the passenger seat of an SUV was hanging out of the sunroof with her shirt off screaming at the top of her lungs…I felt like it was a sign from god. When I got back online, i saw these pictures of Uma Thurman, who never really did much for me sexually because I didn’t realize her tits were so fucking massive. I can only assume that she is one of those mom’s who still breast feeds her kid because she likes how it feels when he sucks her off…if I was her kid, I’d still be breastfeeding too. Hell, I am a grown man, and given the opportunity, I’d change my diet to only conisist of her breast milk because it looks to me like her tits are a lot healthier to suck on than this hand rolled cigar I was given, that may be rolled up dog shit for all I fucking know…What I am trying to get at is that her tits are fucking solid, unlike her dumpy ass like the fat chick hanging out her sunroof last night…but at least she was accessible…

Speaking of accessible, it looks like her kid is starring at her box dreamin’ of crawling back in there because boys will be boys…and he sees this bitch naked daily and you don’t. Loser….

There was this 45 year old I worked with who was a total dirtbag. She may have been an alcoholic or drug addict, but I can’t hold a job long enough to get comfortable enough to take a shit in the office, so I’d never know. After one company party I somehow got myself invited to, I started up my game, you know talking to her about how I wanted to see her crawl around on all fours in a mini skirt before ravaging her ass, you know light sexual harassment to see if she’d be into it. Somehow I got her enough drinks to get myself back at her place where she proceeded to crawl around on all fours. I directed her by telling her to take off her panties, at which point she turned to me and told me to fuck her. I couldn’t get it up and it was a low point in my sexual career, but I think it fucked her head up more than mine. Three minutes after realizing I couldn’t do what she wanted me to do, she started dancing around the room telling me to take it all in because I’d never see it again. That monday I was fired and that was the end of that. The lesson to learn in this story is to not get hard when a girl is drunk and horny because it will do more damage to her ego than to yours…at least that the way it worked for me.

Speaking of 45 year olds, here are some pics of Uma Thurman’s Tits in a bathing suit, because they are big and I know that big tits is why I have traffic.

Here’s some fetish shit, not because Uma is really all that hot, even if she’s got massive tits, but because she’s got a hose and is hosing herself down. It’s like watching a girl playing in the garden and jumping through the sprinklers on a hot summer day, and by girl I mean someone over 18, I am not into the whole pedophile shit. I never really understood why a dude could sit in a park watching kids play and like it more than he should but that’s really not the point, the point is that this shit is bringing back memories of when I worked at a gas station that hosted a car wash for the local college. All the bitches started off the day in their regular everyday car wash clothes and ended up in their bikinis hosing themselves down. I would say it changed my life for the better but in reality that day got me fired because I kept trying to get them to show me their tits and one of them filed a complaint about me to my manager. It was a good run and worth getting fired over because it was one of those things I probably could never forgive myself for not trying…

I was in a pizza place for some late night eats and 2 jewish kids came in after partying and kept talking about how they should have asked for the bitches they were picking ups’ number but didn’t. They will never see her again and their reward of the night is the chance to jerk off to the thought that they had picked them up, but if they lived my way, they may have got fired but at least they knew there was no fucking chance.

All this to say that Uma may not be a college chick in a bikini, but at least she’s trying…