The best of The Spinoff this week

“There are Kettle crisps at Lou’s party. There are RTDs that Marty’s creepy older boyfriend he met on Tinder bought for everybody. But they’re disgusting so Aroha is mixing them with her dad’s bourbon, bourbon she’ll later have to tearfully say she didn’t steal but her dad knows she did because he was also young once.”

“The language used by our politicians is key. People are quick to use metaphors – “turn down the tap” (Andrew Little), “we don’t want their flotsam” (Gareth Morgan), “flood of immigrants” (Barbara Stewart of New Zealand First) – that have the effect of dehumanising migrants by describing them in terms better reserved for inanimate objects. A University of Oxford report found that, internationally, water-based metaphors are frequently used to describe immigrants, along with the use of the term “mass immigration”. Other times we’re less subtle; Winston Peters once called New Zealand “The Last Asian colony” and claimed that the government was involved in “ethnic engineering”. This rhetoric has the effect of removing the human element from immigration, making it easier to say horrific things about migrants and making it easier to propose inhumane actions.”

“1. Stop summoning Satan in your backyard in a quest to stop the sun from rising so you get more sleep

We have all been there, I know. Your baby is six months old and you’re like, it’s OK, they’re still a baby, I can take this lack of sleep a bit longer. Then on your child’s first birthday they still haven’t slept longer than two hours in a row. You blink and suddenly realise you’ve had a year and a half of unsolicited parenting advice and you can’t take it anymore and suddenly you’re in the back garden smeared in blood from a goat you just sacrificed and you’re summoning Satan. It’s OK. No judgement.”

“As a primary school kid, I once chundered a packet of two minute noodles and a cup of frozen peas (my specialty at the time) onto the motorway near Petone. After a particularly gluttonous birthday party at Valentine’s, a carload of us were like Linda Blair in The Exorcist by the time we even reached the summit. Older still, I threw up Red Bull and vodka into the Lower Hutt roundabout after a particularly rough night at The Establishment, known better to locals as The Meat Market.

“Basically, I can measure out my Wellington life in extremely embarrassing projectile vomits.”

2. It’s a newspaper trying to create news in a jokey way, maybe making a point about the awful conditions some workers will submit to for a job. “We placed a terrible ad for a dairy worker. What happened next is jaw-dropping!”

“Would it really work here? Of course it would. Just think cafés for a moment. Until the 1980s the prevailing view in New Zealand used to be that European-style outdoor seating at cafes and restaurants would not work, so councils protected us by forbidding it. Our weather was wrong (I don’t know, too much wind?), our culture was wrong (we’re too indoorsy or something), we didn’t have room on the footpaths. I’m not making this up.

“Talk about a disruptive change. Took less than a year, I reckon, once it started. How long after a decent bike share scheme starts for Queen St and Albert St and High St/Lorne St to fill up with cyclists off to meetings and lunch and shows in the summer evenings? And K Rd and Ponsonby Rd and Victoria St too?”

What they don’t want to talk about: The Greens and New Zealand First. Labour has a Memorandum of Understanding with the Greens but polling suggests that if they can form a government at all, it is more likely to be with NZF. But nobody wants to work with Winston and talking about it makes everyone queasy. Corbynistas in the Labour Party and wider movement are already arguing hard that his surge calls for a move openly and sharply to left. Most of the Labour leadership does not agree and they really do not want that debate to stuff up their more centrist focus.

Dream scenario: A youthquake which powers a surge in support to 37%, channelling the kind of energy that led Jeremy Corbyn to vastly exceed expectations, and leading to a Red-Green government..

Nightmare scenario: Same as last time.”

The Spinoff Media is sponsored by MBM, an award-winning strategic media agency specialising in digital, with vast experience across all channels. We deliver smart, tailored media solutions as well as offering a leading data and analytics consultancy. Talk to us about your communications challenges and how MBM can help bring you success through the power of media and technology.

Sign up to the Spinoff mailing list and win!

Not knowing what's happening on the Spinoff is a true nightmare. Keep your dreams sweet by signing up to our weekly newsletter and keep up to date with everything happening on The Spinoff

Email address:

Leave this field empty if you're human:

Follow The Spinoff

The Spinoff Longform Fund is dedicated to
facilitating investigative journalism. Our focus is on
supporting in-depth reporting on important New Zealand
stories. Your donation will help us sustain this most
resource-intensive form of journalism, ensuring that the
most complex and important stories still get told.

The Spinoff is subject to NZ Press Council procedures. A complaint must first be directed in writing, within one month of publication, to info@thespinoff.co.nz. If not satisfied with the response, the complaint may be referred to the online complaint form at www.presscouncil.org.nz along with a link to the relevant story and all correspondence with the publication.