"What it must look and smell like when a movie brain vomits. Truly worthless."
-Variety

Tuesday, February 02, 2016

Short Reviews - February 2016

The Boss - I am now officially sick of that computer-assisted special effect where someone gets violently thrown either against a wall or some other short distance. We get it! We've seen the Messin' with Sasquatch commercials!

Hail, Caesar! - See? Now this is how you cross-promote! Did you see the ads for Channing Tatum on an all-new episode of something called "Idiotsitter"? Genius.

Hannibal - ...that's it! That's why Ben Carson acts so weird! He must've had the top of his head taken off like Ray Liotta!

Identity Thief - Man, what it must take to piss off a screenwriter... hmm! The Ted Cruz story. Might be a good project, Craig!

Independence Day: Resurgence - Wait a minute... Whitmore's still president? I guess the 22nd Amendment might seem a little frivolous after such ... hoh boy... after an alien attack of global proportions, noting or pertaining to a long poetic composition, usually centered upon a hero, in which a series of great achievements or events is narrated in elevated style. Hah! I did it! I described something without using the word 'epic.' DAMN IT.......

The Jerk Theory - A kid decides he's going to get the girl by acting like a jerk. Nice theory and all, but this is a movie we're talking about. Movies that are jerks just get shunned. Take the Transformers movies, for example. Or how about the Atlas Shrugged saga? Now see, if I was really good, I'd post the question to my reader, Newsweek style: if movies were like people, which movies are jerks?

The King of Comedy - You know... everyone talks these days about the various "hacks" that people should know. What about Shelley?

LBJ - I always thought this would be a great Oliver Stone pic with Steven Seagal in the lead... oh well.

Now You See Me 2 - With an older, wiser Harold Potter... now that's casting magic!

Jiminy Glick in La La Wood - According to my ultra-reliable inside-the-beltway source, David Lynch was so moved by Martin Short's portrayal of him that Lynch is going to shoot some extra scenes for the Blu-Ray release of The Elephant Manin which Dr. Treves is riding in a horse-drawn carriage at night, just going along that one-lane dirt road with naught but the finest state of the art lantern of the time illuminating the path, so it seems as though the road is stabbing the night like some kind of sinister scalpel... you get the idea

Neighbors 2: Sorority Rising - Well, the trailer certainly had something. You think it's going to be a movie about Chloë Grace Moritz's character, and then the cast of Neighbors 1 shows up. Will it hold up? Will Moritz lose half her audience with the live-action The Little Mermaid?

The Nice Guys - Well, Russell Crowe's not going to be happy about finishing last; that much I know.

Old Fink - ...sorry, I just wanted to keep this link. Somehow I get the feeling that that's not going to be the title, but what do I know?

Pride and Prejudice and Zombies - Why, Jane Austen must be spinning in her grave. Too bad her corpse can't rise from the dead and eat some Hollywood brains

When the Game Stands Tall - I was originally going to devote this space to lament the observation that we seem to be running out of movie titles. But on a more upbeat note, surely someone has compiled a list of movie titles with five words?