Question

My brother is gay, but hasn't come out yet... I don't want him to feel like he needs to hide this!

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I realize that this might not be the most appropriate forum to post this question on, but all the other forums seemed to be dating sites and not support sites. We've always been 95% sure he's gay, but recently my brother in law noticed he was keeping another facebook account in order to hide his secret from our family, I can only assume. We found out he's had a boyfriend for quite some time, and has caught wind that my BIL was looking at his other facebook page and blocked him. It makes me sad to think that he can't share his relationship with his family, and I know it's got to take a lot of emotional energy on keeping this secret. I totally understand that he might be afraid of everyone's reaction if he were to come out, but my family and I have all talked about it openly and everyone agrees that we're fine with it, and we wish he felt comfortable to come out. I'd love more than anything to meet the man that is making my brother happy, but I'm not sure it would be appropriate for

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First, don't push. A lot of times gays aren't ready to come out of the closet and pushing just makes them want to hide longer. Maybe there are conversations that he's had with others that make him think that he won't be welcome or loved. Think about previous conversations with family members. has anyone ever made a remark or a joke? Said something about an actor/athlete/politician/etc. that is gay? The best thing to do, if you REALLY want to confront him, is to say something like, "You know, if you ever need to talk, I'm here for you. I love you and just want you to be happy." Or something similar, and then leave it. It's not your place to decide when he comes out. Also ask yourself WHY it's important to you that he comes out. What purpose does it serve you and your family. If it's more to satisfy curiousity, or settle your mind, then keep quiet. If so then you're pushing your agenda onto him. But he will tell you when he's ready. Just let him know you're there for him unconditionally.

I think you need to let your brother decide when it's the right time for him to come out about whether he's gay or not. Your BIL should not have been snooping in your brother's life. There maybe a reason why he's not yet shared the fact that he's gay and has a boyfriend. Maybe the fact that he's gay isn't really in the closet , maybe he's just not yet ready to introduce his boyfriend to everyone? Just because he hasn't made a formal announcement that he's gay doesn't imply that he is hiding it.

Hurrah, so happy that suddenly everything has worked out so well and so easily. Totally got the wrong idea when you wrote this: (quote from original post))"recently my brother in law noticed he was keeping another facebook account in order to hide his secret from our family, I can only assume. We found out he's had a boyfriend for quite some time, and has caught wind that my BIL was looking at his other facebook page and blocked him". ya know cos thats different from "oh he saw a photo by mistake" but whatever, now Bil can get unblocked and happy families can resume. Wonderfull ending and totally agree another persons sexuality in this day and age shouldn't be an issue. So nice when there is a follow up and a happy ending on these Q&A's .
Good luck to y'all

We then ended up talking on the phone for a while. He was surprised, but not angry or offended. He was glad I said something to him because he had been wanting to for a long time. Our conversation helped him come out to the rest of our family later that day, and he was pleasantly surprised that no one made a big deal about it, because it's not a big deal. Straight people don't need to make the dramatic announcement that they're attracted to the opposite sex, right? It's just unfortunate that there is still a societal stigma attached to being gay. In time, maybe...

First of all, it was never, EVER about stalking or gossip. My brother in law asked to borrow my brother's phone because his was out of battery, and when he unlocked the screen, there was a picture of my brother kissing another man with the caption "best boyfriend ever." My brother in law quickly left the screen and made his phone call because he KNEW it wasn't his business and he didn't want to invade my brother's privacy. So how dare you assume that we were snooping or how we were talking was somehow gossiping! And just to update everyone, I ultimately decided to let my brother know that I knew he was gay. Thank you for all the advice, but at the end of the day I had to trust that my brother and I have an awesome relationship and I knew him very well. So he had time to process if he needed, I texted him saying that I loved him, and that I knew he was gay, and that it didn't phase me in the slightest. I then let him know that when he was ready, I'd love to meet his boyfriend.

me to make the first move. I've also met some people whose parents have approached their son/daughter stating that they already know they're gay, and they're fine with it. In the cases that I've mentioned, the person who was in the closet feels a great sense of relief. Has anyone else had this happen? If you're gay, how would you prefer to come out? Would you have been ok with a family member outing you? Thanks!

"my family and I have all talked about it openly and everyone agrees that we're fine with it"
Thats nice... for you. In your brothers shoes I would not be so happy that my family were happily discussing my sexuality behind my back. I would absolutely not choose to volunteer information about my love/sex life as I would fully expect it to be the subject of future and further discussion.
I get that you all support him and want him to know and right there is your answer, Support HIM. Not his sexuality, not his fave colour, not his football team, support HIM.
Let your actions show your intent. Facebook stalking, gossip, judging him (ALWAYS been 95% sure), these things don't help him feel respected.
I'm sure you all care for him deeply, but just because you are all happy sharing personal information at this level doesn't mean he is.
Get some basic boundaries in place. You can absolutely love and support a person without needign to know about their sexual preferences.

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