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May 11 A letter to the most amazing body that I have ever called home

I have been thinking about you a lot lately and I just wanted to clear a few things up that have been bugging me.

We haven’t always seen eye to eye.

There have been times, where I wished so much, that you didn’t belong to me. It pains me to say that I hated you, but you know that I hated everything about you for such a long time. It was so unwarranted and you never deserved that.

In primary school I would pray, actually pray, that I would wake up and look different. That all that extra fat on me would disappear and I would just be like all the other kids. That I would have no reason to be taunted with ‘Fatty Miller’ and other awful nicknames that hung around like a bad smell for the next 20 years, even if it was only in my head. That my 4th grade teacher wouldn’t be able to tell me in front of the whole class that when I play up I stick out like a sore thumb because I was so much bigger than the other kids.

I used to reward and punish you with food. If you had been good you got a treat and if you were bad, “I’ll show you!” how useless you are with this whole bag of lollies. I used to use food to numb out those feeling of loneliness and disappointment. Food was never going to fix that but I tried anyway. We have up until recently, had a fairly destructive relationship with food and I’m sorry for that.

As I got older, I started taking risks with you beautiful body. Although you know I don’t do regrets, I am so sorry for some of the things I did to you. I was so insecure about myself, I put you on the line more times than I would like to admit. I think the thing I feel most apologetic about was all that sex we had, with anyone that would ‘have me’ in high school. I think back to some of the dangerous situations I put you in I was just so desperate just to fit in, and feel connected, and normal. If someone wanted to have sex with me I must be worthy and wanted and beautiful right? No, so wrong.

I went off to Uni and continued to mistreat you. God knows how many ciggies you have puffed through and all the other ‘mood enhancing’ ways we partied together. Thank you for getting through all of that without any repercussions. Once again, you have always protected me, even when I didn’t protect you.

I haven’t always trusted you precious body of mine. I have no idea how many times you told me something wasn’t right or didn’t feel good but I choose to trump you and put others needs ahead of yours. I promise I will stop and listen to what you have to say, and trust that feeling you give me in my tummy. It’s easy to forget that no one knows you like I do and instinctively I do know what’s best for us.

So body of mine, really, I guess I just wanted to say thank you. Thank you for always sticking around and looking after me. Thank you for all the behind the scenes work you do for me every day, you have never let me down. Even though I have felt disappointed in you, I understand that was just the mean girl in us. As you know, she is still there but not nearly as vocal as she used to be.

To think about all the things you have let me do, is just mind blowing! How many spin classes and burpees do you think we have done? How many km’s have our legs racked up in our 33 years do you reckon?

Growing those babies, yes it did make me doubt if I did even like you, let alone love you, especially that labour part, good grief! We had some serious rebuilding to do after those “family fun days” that is child birth, but I must admit it left me with a new sense of pride towards you that I had never experienced before.

I promise I will do my very best to love you from here on in and make you so proud to call me your guardian. I get now that you are here to help me do great things, not just to go through the motions until you take your last breath.

I promise I will do what I can to help other people realise their greatness also and live their most beautiful, healthy, happy lives. I promise to do what I can to make them realise how incredible they are also. To guide them to a place where they can see the other side of all that hatred.

I don’t need to ask if you could forgive me, because I know that you already have.

I know you have been waiting for this for a long time and you will continue to look after me unconditionally. I am promising to do the same.

I love you so very much, even if I sometimes I need gentle reminding of that.

I just want you know, that I get it now.

After all this time, you have only ever wanted what's best for me.

All my love,

Yours truely.

xx

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