The End Times Come To Sienna Plantation's Soccer Fields

They put in some ritzy new improvements for the soccer fields in Sienna Plantation, a ritzy suburb in occasionally ritzy Fort Bend County.

But they didn't count on the fire ants. Or the wild pigs.

Officials for the youth leagues sent out an e-mail to parents informing them of their futile efforts to tame Mother Earth.

"In recent days, we've had some unwanted guests at the Camp Sienna soccer fields," it said. "You've no doubt seen the fire ants which seem to have overtaken us! Despite our best efforts, including spreading ant bait twice a week for the last four weeks, we just can't seem to rid the fields of these pests."

Hey, if "you've no doubt seen the fire ants which seem to have overtaken us," then we're guessing they're pretty damn big collections of fire ants.

But ants are just ants. They ain't got nothing on the wild pigs.

"It also appears that a crowd of wild pigs has moved into the Sienna area," the e-mail pleasantly continues. "While these animals typically don't come out into the open during the day, they are rooting up our fields nightly in search of food. We continue to monitor the situation closely and are filling the holes as quickly as possible."

In order to save time, we'll just go ahead with the next e-mail to all the soccer moms and dads:

Hello again!! Is it almost October already?!

Just a few quick notes. First, we're hoping to set a date for the league garage sale. Please tell us if October 17 is A-OK with you!!

Second, a great big Sienna Camp thank you to Bill & Beth, who hosted a wonderful BBQ for our champs last month! Thanks!

In other news, you may have noticed the plague of locusts near Field C. We're working hard on this, and hope our animal sacrifice to Baal will turn the trick!!

Also, the incurable boils some players have contracted are being looked into. We had a sacrifice to another God planned for last Tuesday to address this problem, but the deluge of frogs caused a change in plans. Check the newsletter for updates!!!

As for the pestilence and hail, we have contacted the state organization to see just what is the best way to go about addressing those problems.

Remember also, when the new league schedule begins October 3 (assuming the animal sacrifices can be done in time), we'll be on "B" schedule, not "A" schedule.