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Thursday, December 13, 2012

My Head.

My head’s clouded by thoughts I
can’t separate from the dense pieces of abstracts. I feel lost, and alone. I
have this longing inside my heart I can’t figure out. All I know is, I’m tired
and I have to bleed what my heart’s weeping every second of its waking hours,
or else I’ll pass out for good or if not, go insane.

I observe the world not as a
routine to kill time or to contemplate what the philosophy books have taught me,
but rather to see through the overt, pricking through the obvious and conclude
the concealed other things beneath the surface. And what I have seen skew my
perception, making me ponder of how dissimilar the people I just knew from the
people I thought they were. As I have tried to live my life the way I used to,
people, incognizant or deliberately, starts to peel away from the costumes they
adorned with glamour and pesky pretentious. “The shows over”, I thought to
myself, only to find that everything’s just a warm up and the show has just
begun.

Everything in this world is
subject to change, whether they like it, they don’t like it, or they don’t
know. Life, is not staying in one place for the rest of your earthly definition
of eternity, not even going from place to place to give justice for why we have
to eventually turn to ashes and remnants only utile to the lowest species this
world has, when all our years, we strive to carpe
diem by finding the fictional stair towards self-actualization. I myself
will also be swallowed by this world one day, but my thoughts wouldn’t dive
with me, six feet below the earth.

People doesn’t change overnight,
they change in the speed of light. I have tried hard to avoid change, but just
like others, it struck me like a thunder with a wind as its disguise. I savored
it for, I no longer can measure. It consumed me, it’s ecstatic, and every fiber
in me felt like it effloresce into something invincible yet naïve. From the
moment the phylogeny is through, I wished it never happened at the very first
place.

I am changing together with the
people, with the world and everything in between. Every day is a fashion show
of ‘how-long-can-you-pull-together-that-sanity-of-yours’, and the world’s long
pavements are the runway. Everyone around me is a stimulus to my impending many
changes yet to come, likewise, I am theirs. But, I still can’t figure out why
some of the people I value and almost love,
decided to change and eventually leave me hanging in the air, when I never gave
them any stimuli condescending to their egos. Next to my first fear dying, is
my fear of oblivion, and they had just served it fresh from the oven, right in
front of my face.

I trust too much, that’s my
biggest flaw. I trust them because I care for them, and I want to give myself
the opportunity to devour to a friendship I can watch and screw life with, only
to find that, we’re not on the same leaf, people change, and they just did.
Sure, vulnerability is not my cup of tea, and it’ll never be, but I will never
be tired of gambling. I’ll die one day, and I’ll be forgotten, two of my fears
entwined in one, and just as my observations, my thoughts, my beliefs and my
argues evaporate together with my footsteps, I know I have lived my life under
none of the many roofs of people’s how it should be, but my own.

This journey is still long,
longer I hope. So for now, I will keep pacing, and will still keep observing.