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A household staffer to hedge funder Philip Falcone and his clotheshorse wife Lisa Maria was so physically attractive that he drove the couple mad, forcing them to sexually harass and abuse him, a lawsuit for the staffer claims. Upon his hiring to run the Falcones' several houses, William Gamble was asked by Philip whether he was gay. When he said yes, this apparently sent both Falcones into a mad sexual shame spiral. "Falcone thereafter saw fit to utter homophobic comments directed at gay people in general and [Gamble] in particular," the lawsuit claims. (Lawyers for the Falcones deny all of this and label it "nothing more than a transparent attempt by a disgruntled former employee.")

Falcone's wife couldn't handle Gamble's beauty any better, Gamble claims: According to the suit, she told him his "demeanor did not live up to her idea of what a stereotypical gay man should be, as [he] was not 'effeminate' enough." She teased him on a vacation for wearing bathing suits that weren't skimpy enough, and then once, when she was drunk, "a visibly inebriated Falcone confronted and assaulted" Gamble, "forcibly pushing her hand down his pants to grab his genitals," the suit says, as reported by the Post. "When rebuffed, Falcone struck [Gamble] three times with her hand forcefully enough to leave deep bruises on his abdomen."

Quoting the terrifying straight woman from all gay men's dreams, Lisa Maria then allegedly told Gamble "all he required was 'a good fuck' in order to change him into a heterosexual." When the gang returned to New York, Gamble claims things never went back to normal. At one point, Gamble says, Lisa Maria hissed at him: "If you weren't so beautiful, you wouldn't be here."

Man, if we had a nickle for every time we had to sue someone over how our own beauty broke their minds, we could probably actually afford our lawyers' fees.