The Simple Secret to a Happier Life

In the immortal words of the Rolling Stones, you can't always get what you want. And you know what? That's really okay. Discover how letting go of impossible (and draining) dreams puts you on the path to peace.

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In the 37th week of my third pregnancy, I was cruising right along with no major health problems until — bam — I developed Bell's palsy, a partial paralysis of the left side of my face. I couldn't close my eye, I drooled when I ate, and, worst of all, I couldn't smile normally. Doctors assured me that the condition was temporary, and that my muscle function would return within months. But my progress was slower than expected, and I spent the next year feeling self-conscious and sad. I just longed to look normal again.

Eventually, I went to specialists, did countless hours of physical therapy, and received therapeutic Botox injections (at times, I felt like a human pincushion). It all helped, but my smile was still somewhat crooked. I felt depressed, defeated.

Then, on a visit to my mom's house, I happened to glance at the framed copy of the Serenity Prayer she keeps in her bedroom. You know the one: "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference." Reading those words made it crystal clear: It was time to put my disappointment behind me and focus on the positive parts of my life — my family, my work, the simple pleasures of my day-to-day existence. I had lost something, to be sure, but feeling bitter and shortchanged wasn't the way I wanted to live.

So I quit mourning the loss of the "old me." I finally allowed myself to accept my less-than-perfect grin, and in the process, to make peace with the fact that life rarely turns out the way you expect. And that's true whether it comes to physical setbacks, relationships with people you care about, or even your hopes and dreams for your kids. It's tough to let go of something you want badly, but if you release yourself from the relentless pull of your If only... thinking, a sense of peace, and even joy, will rush into that mental space instead, says C. Leslie Charles, author of Why Is Everyone So Cranky? "When you can just 'be' with a situation," she says, "things usually begin to relax, turn, and reshape — for the better."

Giving up long-cherished dreams doesn't mean you need to deny or disown them. "Your dreams will always be part of you," says Charles. "But getting too focused or obsessed with a goal or yearning can leave you feeling cheated." Letting go, by contrast, means making a choice — you decide not to give in to thoughts and actions that waste your time, not to dwell on what you don't have.

And that can be the first step to a more blissed-out, less stressed-out existence. Read on to learn how to let go of those unrealistic longings — ones that you believe hold the keys to your happiness, but actually hold you back — so you can love the life you have right now.

If you long to be closer to a family member...

For years, Nanci Schwartz hoped for a tighter bond with her brother. "He never saw eye-to-eye with my dad, and is now somewhat estranged from the whole family," she explains. Every time Schwartz tried to reach out and was rebuffed, she was hurt. "The final straw came recently, when my husband and I planned a birthday get-together for our parents," says the 41-year-old from Fruitland Park, FL. "My brother never even bothered to respond to the invitation, and once again I felt completely let down."

Perhaps you, too, have a family bond that's coming apart at the seams. Or maybe you just have a sneaking sense that something is missing in your relationship with your parents or siblings. "No matter what has gone on before, we all have expectations about what our family relationships are supposed to be like," says Lynn Robinson, author of Divine Intuition. "Deep down, we believe that our family should always be there for us through thick and thin." Plus, it's normal to want to draw closer as we start to get older and realize how quickly time is passing, adds Robinson—since the family members you bicker with today may not be there tomorrow.

How to Let Go

Slowly, Schwartz has begun to accept her distant relationship with her brother. "I finally realize that it's not my fault we're not closer," she says. "It's his choice — and looking at it that way has lifted a huge burden from me. Now I can stop spinning my wheels, trying to make the impossible happen. I'm not thrilled with the situation, but it's not going to consume me, either, because there's nothing I can do about it." The (very liberating) bottom line here: You can't ever control someone else's behavior — you can only control your own.

You'll be happier, not to mention more sane, if you focus on the relationships in your life that are reciprocal—the friends and loved ones you can rely on, says Robinson. "Your peace of mind ultimately doesn't depend on the closeness or distance of one person," she explains. "The more healthy relationships you have in your life, the better."

If you've had a long standoff with a relative and you're aching for some closure, consider writing that person a heartfelt and compassionate note, she adds. "Make it simple, not a rehash of past events," Robinson suggests. "Tell them what you appreciate about them and that you look forward to hearing from them on their time and terms." Mail it and let it go, telling yourself that you've given it your best shot. Or write the letter and don't mail it — instead simply use it as a way to release and sort through your feelings. That process alone will make it easier for you to find peace.

If you want to get it all done — and perfectly — at work...

Museum educator Nikki Manning used to feel compulsively driven to complete all her work by the end of the day — and when she couldn't, she carried her anxiety home. "I'd wake up in the middle of the night and begin to write down things I needed to do the next day," says the 27-year-old from Columbia, SC. "My bathroom mirror was covered in sticky notes."

Sure, being a productive and valued staffer is a good thing, but knocking yourself out day after day—whether to achieve perfection on a project or feel "done" — doesn't make sense, since at any well-structured job there will always be fresh deadlines to meet, more paperwork to do, and the like. (It's sort of like the laundry at home — you're never completely caught up.) Plus, if you're consistently working late, you're likely neglecting your well-being, health, and relationships, notes Robinson. Ultimately, the satisfaction that you get from being "on top of things" is fleeting and not a true source of happiness — and it simply isn't worth the steep personal price you're paying.

How to Let Go

Watch what you tell yourself. "Saying things like, 'I'll never catch up,' or 'I'm always stressed,' will overwhelm you further and keep you working late," says Robinson. Instead, she advises, repeat calming (and true) messages such as, "When I clock out at a decent hour, I'm so much more productive the next day," and "Nothing tragic will happen if I turn this in tomorrow morning instead of at 8 tonight."

Try to step back and pinpoint why you're being so obsessive about your job. Could it be that you're avoiding problems at home or other personal issues? That your self-esteem hinges entirely on your career? "Ask yourself, What's missing in my life? What would be fun?" suggests Robinson. Then, make little steps toward positive change — get yourself to the gym instead of staying an extra hour at work, or meet a friend for coffee on the way home.

For Manning, letting go meant carving out official downtime. "I promised myself that two days a week I'd walk away from my desk at 5:30 p.m.," she says. "I literally scheduled time with my husband and daughter so I'd be forced to leave, and vowed not to check e-mails or my BlackBerry at home." Setting boundaries made all the difference. "Now I can sit and breathe and enjoy dinner with my family," says Manning. "I'm still getting as much work done — yet I have a life now!"

If you'd like your husband to be Mr. Romance...

It's a lovely daydream: Your husband surprises you at your office with flowers on Friday afternoon and whisks you off for a romantic weekend getaway. But the reality is that he's tied up at work, there's the Saturday morning soccer carpool to deal with — and, really, who would watch the kids all weekend?

Several years into my own marriage, I would find myself glancing at my husband, Tony, sitting comfortably in his recliner, mesmerized by a rerun of This Old House, and wondering whatever happened to the lovestruck young guy who first wowed me with flowers, gifts, and impromptu weekend trips. Of course I knew he still loved me at least as much as he loved circular saws and crown molding — yet I couldn't help but crave the attention, romance, and affection that he used to shower on me during our first years together.

After a few years of marriage, it's natural to take for granted the good things you have — for instance, trust, companionship, and shared interests — and fixate on what's missing, explains Charles. And that leads to a growing resentment that eats away at your connection, little by little.

How to Let Go

Married life is like a hearty, multi-flavored stew; romance is one ingredient, but so are bill-paying, parenting, and arguing over paint colors. Kids, house, and jobs fill your days to bursting, yet these elements can actually deepen your bond if you work through the challenges together. And when you find yourself obsessing about how your husband isn't as affectionate or spontaneous as you'd like, remind yourself that you're probably not the winsome charmer he fell for all those years ago, either.

Your relationship heats up when you shrug off your assumptions of what could be, adds Charles, and focus on what is. By chucking those preconceived romantic notions ("He forgot Valentine's Day, therefore he doesn't care about me"), you lose the disappointment factor. "Zero in on his positive qualities," advises Charles. "Nurture and compliment his good traits. He'll feel appreciated and will likely reciprocate."

Consider jotting down two lists of your husband's attributes — the ones that you adore versus the ones you can't stand. First, look at which list is longer. Then, rate each item from 1 to 5, with 5 being very important, and 1 being barely important. "Think deeply about what carries more weight for you," says Charles. "Chances are, the good qualities will have higher numbers." In other words, you'll see, in black and white, that your husband's loving and lovable personality traits outshine the difficult ones — and you'll gladly decide then and there to celebrate how wonderful he truly is.

If your child isn't what you expected...

Melissa Leonard, 33, has always considered herself a take-charge, type A personality. "I'm outgoing and I make friends easily," says Leonard, who's the owner of an etiquette-consulting business in Harrison, NY. So she was surprised that her daughters, now 6 and 5, are growing into very reserved girls. "At recess, they often end up sitting on the bench with the teacher's aide instead of playing with the other kids," Leonard says. "It broke my heart to see them act so timid, and I longed for them to get over their shyness."

It's natural to expect your kids to take after you, says Susan Davis, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist in New York City. "But wanting children to be exactly like you is narcissistic," she says. Plus, by trying to make our kids into our clones — just to stroke our egos or fulfill our unresolved ambitions — we're stunting ourselves. "Expecting your children to make your life whole isn't fair to them or you," Davis says. "It's your responsibility to discover the resources within yourself to help make yourself happy."

How to Let Go

For a long time, Leonard believed her girls' behavior reflected poorly on her — a situation she was eager to change. "I worked with them, gave them pep talks, even met with their principal and teachers about getting them to play and not be so bashful," she recalls. Nothing worked, however, and Leonard gradually found peace when she began to accept her daughters for the smart, funny, yet quiet people they are. "I was making myself crazy over their shyness," she says. "So I reminded myself that my girls are not me, and that's okay. They're good, kind girls — and that's more important than how many friends they have on the playground."

When you catch yourself wishing your son or daughter could be different (Why is homework such a struggle for him? Why is she such a princess? Why is he so aggressive?), try to see things from your child's point of view, says Davis. How would you feel if someone continually pestered you about being an accountant when you really wanted to play the piano, or pushed you to be more gleeful when your disposition was naturally serious? "And ask yourself, Is being me the best thing in the world? and Am I trying to get my child to accomplish things that I myself couldn't?" says Davis.

Letting your kid just be herself also helps you ditch the nagging feeling that you've somehow failed as a parent, and gets rid of the guilt about your child not measuring up to some absurd standard, adds Davis. And without all those negative emotions dragging you down, you can focus on getting to know your amazing, one-of-a-kind child even better.

When I turned 40, I took stock of my life — and consequently freaked out because so much of it wasn't going according to plan. I was sure I'd have written a novel or two by then. Not happening. I'd always pictured myself living in a house straight from the pages of a Pottery Barn catalog; instead, my husband and I had recently bought a 100-year-old fixer-upper. And the financial stability I'd hoped for? Forget it. With remodeling costs, we were deeper in debt than ever.

Of course it's normal to feel disappointed if you don't reach the goals you've set. It's also normal to compare yourself to others in your field or to friends your age. "It's the proverbial grass-is-greener thing," says Robinson. "You think, Where have I gone wrong? But things haven't necessarily gone wrong; they've just gone different." And different doesn't mean bad. The real problem is sticking to preconceived notions of where you "should" be and undervaluing the reality you've created for yourself, since that negativity cuts you off from all kinds of amazing possibilities, from career changes to new relationships.

How to Let Go

When you're sizing up your life, try to focus on gratitude. "That way of thinking is what makes the difference between living a life that's difficult and bitter versus one that's joyous and wonderful," Robinson says.

Cultivating this attitude is easier than you realize, says Robinson; just consciously direct your focus away from your so-called disappointments and toward what's good in your life. That's it. (Really.) One easy step to help you get started: Every day, take a minute to jot down several things you're grateful for, big or small ("I had no traffic on the way to work today." "My Pap results were normal." "My daughter gave me the sweetest hug." "I found my other green sock."), and look for the joy and humor in ordinary situations.

Some months after my birthday, I started noticing what I did have: a funny, hardworking husband. Healthy, well-adjusted kids. Some very good friends. Work that I liked, on most days. A big (if needy) house in a vital, family-friendly neighborhood. All in all, I had a life that was full of activity, promise, and joy. The choice was mine: I could either embrace my imperfect world or I could hold it at arm's length and continually feel dissatisfied and wish I had more.

I decided to choose the former. And as I made that choice, my once-essential goals faded into the background of the full, crazy, and chaotic life that I was living. I still work to change things for the better in my life — I'll never just say to myself Who cares? about money worries or my dreams — but I have learned enough to know that sometimes letting go of what I can't have makes life much sweeter.

How I learned to let go

"After 10 years of trying to have a child, I realized that my life with my husband was more than enough to make us happy and that maybe becoming parents was just not meant to be. We've been happily married now for almost 21 years — and have a puppy that we love and spoil! Taking care of him has shown us unconditional love, and that feeling is priceless!" —Cheri Ambrose, 46, East Hanover, NJ

"For 20 years, I tried to create a happy marriage. Then I realized I had a decision to make between living the rest of my life in an unhappy relationship or salvaging what little bit of youth I still had, so I left. I let go of making my marriage work, but I'm holding on to the hope of having another one that is happy and fulfilling. Sometimes it's not about letting go of the dream, but changing the way to get there." —Angie Foley, 43, Princeton, WV

"I've always dreamed of being a famous novelist. But since my career path swerved in a totally different direction—I became a legal assistant — I began journaling and learned to use my writing skills for my own therapeutic benefit and enjoyment. Even though I never became a novel writer, expressing my life through words still gives me that same feeling of escape." —Rebecca G. Swavely, 50, Pottstown, PA

"I wanted to be a lawyer since I was a child, but I got sick during the law school–admission test and had to leave mid-exam. I was diagnosed with a rare sinus condition that caused me to stop breathing. Every time I rescheduled the exam, I had an episode. My doctor told me that stress was aggravating my condition and that I should change my career focus. After unsuccessfully trying to take the test five times, I realized that if I couldn't handle the stress of the exam, I couldn't become a successful attorney. I haven't had an anxiety attack since. Now I'm a commercial bread baker, and I could not be happier with my career choice. Sometimes there's something good to be said about unanswered prayers." —Ida McCarty, 41, Chicago

"I have always wanted to move out of the town I was born and raised in. It's a small town, and by the time I was a teenager, I knew every inch of it. But as I've watched my two daughters grow up here, I've realized how much the town continues to change: New generations bring their individual personalities to the city. I feel nostalgic as I watch my daughters enjoy the same things I enjoyed as a child. They are happy where they are, and seeing them grow up changed my perspective. It helped me realize what a special place this is." —Phoebe P. Sortet, 39, Rock Hill, SC