Why People Cheat

Understanding the reasons behind infidelity can help you avoid its damage.

THE BASICS

More than 90 percent of Americans believe infidelity is unacceptable, yet 30 to 40 percent of people engage in it. Infidelity is associated with adverse outcomes such as depression, domestic violence, divorce, even homicide. Considering these negative effects, why do people cheat? And is the phrase “once a cheater, always a cheater” true?

Let's start to answer by considering three primary types of reasons for cheating:

1. Individual reasons. The phrase “once a cheater, always a cheater” refers to individual reasons for cheating—qualities about the person that make him or her more prone to commit infidelity. Researchers have identified a variety of individual risk factors, including:

Gender. Men are more likely than women to commit infidelity, largely because men have more testosterone, which is responsible for the strong desire to have sex.

Personality. Those who have less conscientious and less agreeable personalities are more likely than people high on these traits to commit infidelity. (If you’re wondering about your own personality, try this assessment.)

Religiosity and Political Orientation. Very religious people and those with a conservative political orientation are less likely than others to commit infidelity because they have more rigid values.

Source: Conrado/Shutterstock

2. Relationship reasons. People also cheat because of relationship reasons—characteristics about their relationship itself that are unsatisfying. For these people, becoming involved in a well-matched partnership diminishes or eliminates their desire to cheat. "Once a cheater, always a cheater” does not hold true for this group. When they stray, factors about the relationship itself must be examined. Researchers find that partnerships characterized by dissatisfaction, unfulfilling sex, and high conflict are at higher risk for infidelity. Also, the more dissimilar partners are—in terms of personality, education level, and other factors—the more likely they are to experience infidelity.

3. Situational reasons. Others cheat because of the situation: A person might not have a personality prone to cheating and might be in a perfectly happy relationship, but something about their environment puts them at risk for infidelity. Some situations are more tempting than others. Spending time in settings with many attractive people can make cheating more likely. The nature of a person’s employment is also related to infidelity—individuals whose work involves touching other people, having personal discussions, or a great deal of one-on-one time are more likely to have an affair. When the sex ratio is imbalanced (an overabundance of men or women in the work or campus environment), people are also more likely to experience infidelity. Finally, people who live in urban areas, as opposed to rural, less populated regions, are at greater risk—people in metropolitan locations generally have more liberal attitudes about extramarital sex, and cities simply have more people, creating an environment of higher anonymity and a larger potential group of partners with whom to have sex.

How can you protect your relationship from infidelity?

First, talk to your partner about their definition of infidelity. People have different ideas about what constitutes cheating and partners need to develop consensus. It is easier to understand where the boundaries are and what will hurt your partner if you have had an open discussion about it. Most people agree that sex with another person constitutes infidelity but the reaction to other behaviors can be more nuanced. Does going out for lunch with an attractive coworker constitute infidelity? What about sexy chat sessions with strangers online? Open discussions about such questions will help set boundaries and hopefully avoid hurt feelings down the line.

If you are a person who struggles with infidelity, as a victim or participant, it is important to get help, through therapy or books by professionals with advanced degrees in psychology. "Once a cheater, always a cheater” does not have to ring true for you.

No.... they don't. Cheating is only one step above rape and murder in term of social morality. If you can't/don't want to be monogamous then you shouldn't be in a monogamous relationship in the first place. "Pretending" to be faithful is a form of emotional/psych. abuse and it is NEVER done by those without some deep level of somatic narcissism and/or sociopaths features.

OK,this was uncalled for,and rude. If we are making assumptions here,then obviously you must be the cheater. Your comment was rude,and hurtful. I take it personal, because I've been cheated on before. So not only did you offend the person who posted, but you offended those who have fallen victim to a sociopath. Now, if your ignorant enough to make comments like this then I suggest you read up on a different article. Common courtesy ignorant asshole.

No.... they don't. Cheating is only one step above rape and murder in term of social morality. If you can't/don't want to be monogamous then you shouldn't be in a monogamous relationship in the first place. "Pretending" to be faithful is a form of emotional/psych. abuse and it is NEVER done by those without some deep level of somatic narcissism and/or sociopaths features.

Yes, you can be the most responsible person, but still end up cheating. Maybe cheating is the first irresponsible thing you do, but that still doesn't change the fact that you were a responsible person before the cheating happened. You may not be a responsible person to the person you cheated on or the people who know you cheated, but overall, as long as the rest of your life is in order, you're still a "responsible" person overall. Your job or other people in your life who aren't necessarily aware of your intimate life will still see you as "responsible" if you have been a responsible person with them all along, and what you are is usually defined by what other people think of you, since you cannot really be anything without other people. For example, you can think you're a famous person all you want, but you can never be famous without other people....

I wouldn't equate cheating to rape or murder, but I don't see a cheater as "responsible" or honest or worthy of his/her relationship.

If a couple (or however many are involved in the relationship) mutually agrees that sex outside their relationship is okay, then it's not cheating; it's an agreement in which both partners are aware.

If either partner is "cheating," then he or she is doing so despite the knowledge that it may hurt his/her significant other. That is irresponsible. A responsible person faces his/her partner and discusses the issue. A responsible person gives his/her partner the chance to compromise or to work together to solve the issue. A responsible person leaves the relationship if he/she still feels unfulfilled after giving his/her partner the chance to fix things and doesn't drag his/her partner along.

I wouldn't equate cheating to rape or murder, but I don't see a cheater as "responsible" or honest or worthy of his/her relationship.

If a couple (or however many are involved in the relationship) mutually agrees that sex outside their relationship is okay, then it's not cheating; it's an agreement in which both partners are aware.

If either partner is "cheating," then he or she is doing so despite the knowledge that it may hurt his/her significant other. That is irresponsible. A responsible person faces his/her partner and discusses the issue. A responsible person gives his/her partner the chance to compromise or to work together to solve the issue. A responsible person leaves the relationship if he/she still feels unfulfilled after giving his/her partner the chance to fix things and doesn't drag his/her partner along.

Most people in relationships or married couples are usually interested in finding out if our partners are being unfaithful. It is very important to know this information for sure because most affairs go undetected, and there is nothing as good as getting all the closure you need. I noticed some changes in my partner's behavior a few weeks back and became worried and curious. I did a lot of research online and most people suggested hacking mobile phone as a good way of getting proof of infidelity so while searching further came across this video on Youtube, I contacted - INCFIDELIBUS at Gmail dot COM and he was really helpful. He helped me hack my partner's phone and I was able to get all I needed. Just thought I should share with all married people, including those in 'happy' relationships. It is advisable you know what is going on behind your back. Good luck guys!!

Where is the research that demonstrates that people who are politically conservative or religious are less likely to cheat? You've made an assertion--a claim--but failed to cite empirical evidence. That's not helpful.

I assume all this research comes from self-reported data. Self-reports can't be trusted, at all.

What we do know about the religious is that when a city hosts a convention for the deeply religious, the amount of pay-per-view porn ordered at hotels near the convention center increases. Take from that what you wish.

Self-report data are actually highly reliable and valid sources of information about people's attitudes, values, personality, and even illegal or immoral actions. While topics such as cheating may obviously skew responses, you will still get valid data among the noise. For instance, people who have cheated a lot are typically willing to anonymously report they have cheated once (a skewed response), but this will still be larger than people who have never cheated and report zero times. Other methods include indirect assessments, such as asking people if they are willing to think about other people, go out with someone who isn't a significant other, and even willingness to cheat. People are more honest than you would think when it is anonymous. Finally, psych evidence is based upon multiple studies which replicate a particular finding. This indicates the self-report is not biased and there is a real association.

And they keep it "hush hush" because for them, their prim and proper exterior is all that matters. What's sad for their kids is that fostered resentment makes the household ten times worse than one where it is openly dealt with.

If they'd discussed and agreed on the ideas of sex for the sole reason of stress relief, or to satisfy a sexual expression their partner is not 'in to', then it wouldn't be cheating. It is a relationship choice that is coming up more and more in the media and public figures.

Yup! Responsible/moral people who aren't interested in (or for whatever reason not capable of) monogamy simply don't enter into that type of a relationship in the first place. They engage with other non monogamous types instead of lying to and emotionally abusing a monogamous type of person. The key here is HONESTY. Something cheaters have no grasp on in general.

Have to disagree that cheaters have no grasp of honesty. My honesty forced me to confess the things I'd done, and I'm now divorced although I never expected to be.
But the right thing to do is to address the issues with your partner before they get out of hand. Not always easy to do, depending on the nature of your partner & when children are involved. I used to pride myself on my fidelity; now I have an awful lot of reflection & adjustment to do.
I wish peace & happiness to all those who, like me, have found it necessary to read this sort of discussion.

Sometimes you go into a monogamous relationship not realizing the full extent of the disconnect between your two sex drives, and sometimes people's attitudes to sex, or their innate desire level, shift over time due to age, illness, or other reason outside their control.

Should you throw an otherwise healthy and mutually supportive relationship (often with children already) out the window because the disconnect has become a source of strong dissatisfaction? Hardly.

Sometimes, even though on most aspects of couple/family life, there's agreement, it may not be possible to have an open discussion leading to new agreement with the partner on this one subject, for any number of reasons including the other person's feelings of failure and resentment that will poison the relationship further every subsequent day.

Does a responsible person rip apart the family, destroy the happiness of the other person, or responsibly and privately take steps to deal with their sexual needs in the way least likely to harm anyone else they care about?

Revelation/un-controlled exposure does more harm to everyone's emotions, and to a family unit, than responsibly cheating ever could.

Do a favor to the partner with whom you are cheating with. I am assuming you are a man, so please just let her know that you are there only for sex since you are sexually starved at home. If the person agrees to that, then by all means proceed but please don't use/trap a prey, use and throw in trash as soon as your guilt factor kicks in. Or better yet, try to hook up with a prostitute, so that everyone is on same page. Only then can you be called an honest cheater that you guys are trying to claim. Please think using your brains instead of ****

I too have cheated. It isn't always easy to talk to your significant other depending on the circumstances. And sometimes you try to voice your concerns and they fall to deaf ears. Sometimes, good people do bad things :-(

There is nothing like sometimes good people do bad things when it comes to cheating. It is a means to console oneself. If you are not comfortable talking about certain things to your other half then why live with them and that too when it comes to your sex drive ? I bet when you have cheated to your significant half you would also have cheated with the cheating partner by keeping him/her in the darkness about your issues. So that means double cheating. It is very true and logical to conclude once a cheater always a cheater. If you can cheat on your life partner you can cheat on anyone. That is inherently true. So, please go and do some soul searching and don't fool yourself by assuming as a good person because if you thought so, chances are very very high that you will excuse yourself as a good person and indulge in another act of cheating as soon as the window of opportunity arises.

I had cheated on my ex husband whom I was 17 w/a 7 month old and he was 25. I later realised I cheated due to being young and a mom. Went wild for awhile. I confessed bcuz I felt guilty. Later divorced. Tried again but didn't work. I've cheated on husband #2 and confessed. I don't know if I'm expecting or wanting too much or if I'm just bad person. Cheater. My husband of 13 years has changed for worse in last 4 years. No job. Trying for disability. He sleeps all day. He do little help around house. He show me lil to no attention nor affection. Unless it night time and he want sex. I've openly expressed my feelings until im blue in face. I've left him and came back. So am I bad person and cheater? Why can't I stop caring to "feel" loved? To be "shown" love? Why do I yearn so badly for those emotional feelings to be met??

Cheating is inherently the most dishonest and treacherous act, short of murder. It's the biggest betrayal of trust, and it's not a "slippery slope." It's very intentional, even if the people who do it want to pretend that it was an impulsive choice or something that got out of hand. It's not. Cheating is always dishonest, by definition, otherwise it wouldn't be cheating.
Good for you for being honest about it after the fact, but the act itself still shows that you aren't as honest as you think you are.

I don't believe anything listed outside those discussed under "Personality" is valid. People who cheat on their partner are simply just not as good/kind/moral as those who do not cheat. It really is just that simple.

No, it really isn't. That shows a huge lack of understanding behind human behavior. It it right? No. But it is incorrect to think it is always black and white. Years of studies have already proven that wrong.

my heart is totally broken today... i met this guy online 4 years ago from Dubai.. i live in south africa.. we started talking more and more.. one of my first questions were, are you married, he said no... and so our relationship began. After 3 years of talking, skyping every single day, he came to visit me. I fell deeply in love with him. Yes there was some classic red light signs, but i chose not to see it. Everything was so perfect!! He stayed with me for 3 months when he had to return to Dubai because his Visa ended but 6 months later he was back. After our first ever "real" fall out, when i found stuff on his computer, i questioned him and he came out with the whole sack of potatoes, he had a wife and 3 kids. I was devastated. But after long talks I forgave him and we decided to give our relationship a go... We lived together for a year. Even after his visa expired I still supported him. Last night when I got home from work, he was gone. No clothes in the cupbord, just gone!! Not even a note or a call to say "im leaving". I feel sick to my stomach to see what I have done for this man how much i loved him, and this is what he had done. I guess some people just have it in their DNA to cheat and other people (like me) just have it in their DNA to fall for it. I wish this upon no- one!!

I felt like repyling cause I went through something similar (although not that far cause he wasn't married, but he cheated many times in every single way he could: physically, in the phone, computer, and probably while we were in the same place, i.e. bars or restaurants or parties). Don't get stuck trying to find explanations, I've spent a year trying and it took me nowhere. Move on and keep up with your life. Men will always cheat (not all of them). Be wiser next time and don't ignore those red lights you mention(I did too).

Some people cheat because they are on a snipe hunt for happiness. They are not happy with themselves and their lives, yet instead of looking inward (where happiness can be found), they seek it outside of themselves in material goods, substances or people. It's a fool's hunt with often devastating collateral damage. http://lessonsfromtheendofamarriage.com

Your comment is the only statement here that is true. The “reasons” given are not really reasons but more of excuses for not dealing with the actual problem. Sadly many, many lives are irreparably damaged.

I agree with those who say it is immoral. Sex is supposed to be a gift for marriage. Our society has strayed so far from the truth
of what sex is about that it is sad and it took years for me to understand that also due to societal influences. God did not design sex for stress relief, recreational purposes, etc. It was designed to be a beautiful gift for two people in the context of a loving,caring marriage to give to one another. One of the fruits of the spirit is self control. Just like anything else that people indulge in irresponsibly and selfishly there are consequences for. It's time people-all people even the religious-yes because there are plenty religious people also who are not doing the right thing-that I agree with-learn self control. And yes-it is one of the cruelest things someone else can do-is to be in a marriage and pretend to be faithful and puts their spouse at risk physically and emotionally. It hurts many people especially the children involved. Our society is extremely irresponsible in making it seem like the thing to do and some day I really believe everyone involved in condoning and promoting such behavior will pay their price down the line. People want their cake and eat it too and many out there just say well we shouldn't judge them-let them do what they want. Well
in the end they will be judged somewhere else and deal with what they have done and pay the price one way or the other through karma-having it done to them in this life or another and any other ways. If a person was originally fooled into believing they were with a single person but then finds out it is their responsibility to get out of it ASAP. If they stay in it they are just as much at fault.
God's grace is there for people however I don't believe people should go around doing these things thinking they can just fall back on that and that others don't get hurt by what they do.
Funny how little is talked about these days about how sex should be contained to marriage. Too easy to live the other way. Maybe schools should teach self control,responsibility, etc. instead of a lot of other things they teach.
For me-self control is awesome. I feel more in control and it feels great. People aughta try it!!

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What is up with this whole crybaby 'cheating' thing? Boo hoo poor you, you thought you owned a human being and then they went out and owned themselves. Good for them.. You wanna own someone? News flash precious one --Lincoln freed the slaves.

You want someone to love you? Try being lovable and not an ownership bully. If you're relying on a marriage contract to get you through, you're lazy. If your partner is cheating it's most likely cuz you just aren't bringing it baby. Look to yourself and stop whining about 'cheaters.'

Every human owns themselves. If they want something besides you, they have that right. A govt 'marriage' contract does NOT negate your partner's humanity and it doesn't give you 'rights' to another human being. You want devotion? You have to EARN that, not demand it! The days of religious marriage persecution is OVER! Poor you :(

Grow up! Nobody owes you. People change, grow, stagnate, whatever. Keep up. Don't stagnate. Make someone WANT to be with you. Nobody wants to be obligated to 'love' you. It's either real or it isn't. If it isn't no amount of 'you owe me' is gonna get you there.

Sticking to your commitments is not servitude, it's basic honour. If you're cheating on your partner it's because you feel entitled to break your commitments and deceive the people close to you. You'd probably do the same in a business agreement, as long as you could get away with it. And what's worse, is the contempt implied by such attitude, the underlying idea that those who lower their guard and have faith in you are just fools to be taken advantage of.

My very point is to STOP putting 'faith' in people. Let people live their lives without having to bear your 'faith.' Everyone is just getting thru life. Your needs are YOUR needs and if you cant face the realities of life and people then imo one of your 'needs' is to cease having your own greedy expectations of people.

People have an absolute right to live their lives without the overhang of your expectations. Its controlling, whether its commonly believed or not. Marriage in the US is on its way out and part of the problem is childish expectations foisted onto others. People are only human, theyre not your emotional beasts of burden.

I know you dont like that cuz it isnt the Cinderella fantasy we grew up with. Fairy tales are for children and bridezillas.

So basically, you're telling people to live life without trusting anyone, because no one should honor their commitments or responsibilities. Just fuck everything, right?

Along with cheating, I'll just stab my friends behind their backs, too, because putting faith in people is just childish. And we can just all screw each other over, because we shouldn't put our faiths in anyone. Can't expect anyone to fulfill their parts of the contract; can't trust anyone.

No, thanks. In my relationships, whether it be platonic or romantic, I like to give my partner/friend/whoever the chance to resolve things, to compromise, to make things better rather than drag them along and toy with them while they're completely ignorant about what they can do to improve things. If, after discussing the issues, they still don't work things out, then I leave the relationship. Why stick around if the relationship sucks, anyway? You can save yourself from a load of drama.

Yes, people have the right to live their lives as they wish. But when they hurt others, whether physically or emotionally, those others have the right to call them out for being a cheating douche who can't be upfront and honest.

What is up with this whole whining about people who disagree with cheating thing? Sounds like someone just wants to justify their dishonesty and inability to honor their commitments. I like how you've made cheaters out to be poor victims who've been oppressed by their partners. Awww, poor lying, dishonest people who can't just be upfront and leave their partners instead of leading them along. :'(

"If they want something besides you, they have that right." Yes, they do. They have the right to leave their relationship and pursue someone else, but they don't have to be an asshole about it. They can be honest to their S.O. and say "I'm out" instead of pretending everything's peachy and keeping their S.O. in the dark. How about leaving the exclusive relationship, if you're unhappy instead of sticking around in a relationship that's not working out anyway?

If monogamy is something you value, or you have faith in anyone in the human race, it's misplaced. Don't trust anyone to keep their word because they're all back-stabbers that feel entitled to break their own promises on a whim.
70-85% of people are cheaters. Either enter a relationship knowing that you're going to be cheated on, or don't enter a relationship at all. Nobody is honest anymore, and this comment shows that the people who claim to love you and care about the social contract are lying.
Love doesn't exist. It was made up to make desperate people feel like they might, some day, have a better life with somebody that supports them. But only you can make your life better. Other people will only ever let you down. Don't give them a relationship or even sex, they're just going to abuse it.
At least, according to this poster. What a great world to live in.