Hearts and Souls

A collection of thoughts, feelings and emotions that touches your soul.
A train of thoughts, combined with poured-emotions and sheltered feelings...
An outlet for those hidden desires, fantasies, and dreams dedicated to those large-hearted softies (pero feeling tough) individuals.

Monday, March 06, 2006

SOMEONE SPECIAL

Your eyes hide something insideSomething beautiful and shyYou got a deep soulThat hides the real youA true heart that suffersWith everything in lifeYou open your white wingsWith the desire to reach the skyBut no matter how far away you flyYou seem to get lost not on the skyBut deep inside your mind...

You're mine

I dreamt about you for so long, now i've found you. I'll take you with me far away. Where no one can find us. We'll be fine. You're mine and no one else's. I'll belong to you. We move so fast they can't catch us. We'll fly so high, with not a worry in the air we breathe. We can float together in the water and think about the times we were not here. I could stay in this place forever. Thank God, you and me are together. Come here, come inside and then you'll see just how much you mean to me. Ly down, you act so still, I'm on the edge, in for the kill. Now to calm me, sit here and kiss me. Hold me tight, don't let go

Sunday, March 05, 2006

What's your deepest fear?

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadiquate.Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us.Your playing small does not serve the world there is nothing enlightenedAbout shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.We are all meant to shine like children do.It's not just in some of us, its in everyone.And as we let our own light shineWe unconsciouly give other people permission to do the same.As we are liberated from our own fear,Our presence automatically liberates others.

JOY

Spark in the darknesssudden bright light,freezing everything in sightas if to last a lifetimeembrasing my heart's desire.

What a joy being by your sidestealing pictures of youwhen no one's looking at me.And in the silencesteal glances of your smile.

I find stars behind the street lightsI see comets under the shadeand through my words. . . kiss you.

Touch that brings back memoriesthe feeling of your body close to minewas a feeling beyond space and time.When I think of it,my heart just jumps out crying. . .screaming for that feeling to return.But now that you're goneit'll have to cry and scream some moretill it can't do no more.Coz now that you're goneIm in my bed all aloneWriting helpless love songs.

Now I know that in life,you make mistakesYou'll have to take risksjump straight into chancesfor mistakes can never be undonerisks carry consiquenceschances don't pass by twiceyou'll have to start a new.For every second chance is a new begininga new page in the book of life. . .my life.

And now the joy I felt oncemay never return again.Or it can, but never again with my joythe one that has got me going through this madnessthe hand that lead me through hell's fireand through the great haven of soulsthey call heavennever again. . .or so I think. . .

(I wrote this for a certain special someone.the italic was contributed by a friend.)

Thursday, February 23, 2006

Wala lang... relate.

I was browsing true my email(which im supposed to shutdown already) when i saw photos of a former... should i say...half friend, half love.

I met her one evening in Iligan, she was from a city I used to be in. she was beautiful, and the first times you'll see her, you'll feel like "this is it!", "she's the one!" sadly, there were circumstances that didnt allow for it to happen. we were like talking the whole night, and everytime we get the chance to. there were four of them, she was with her cuz and a common friend whom introduced me to them. then came other friends who got into the stir and her attention was divided,.. that night i saw her cry, i dont know what was the reason why she did, but as i was looking at her i wanted to cry with her, to comfort her... anything just to make that stop... damn i dont even know why i felt that way when the truth of the matter was i just met her a few hours ago. as the night ended, we parted ways(cant explain what just gotten into me but while writing this i just took a deep breath like the kind when you just finished crying). and they went home to were they came from... davao. and it was a very long time, a year even, before we saw each other again.

memories arise from my heart felt sadnessimages of yesterday that should have been forgoten,emotions i can never explain nor understandfeelings for a girl from that distant land.

we, the kind of man that i am, i managed to get her number, and we continued on texting and calling, there were times when we talked like its the last, celphones was my bestfriend at that time, most specially the charger! she calls at 11pm and we'll talk for like until 5-6am. and i never get tired of talking nor listening. i was with her for just a single night, yet i feel like even a life time is not enough for me to be with her, i to know everything that happened to her before we met, i wanna know her life, i wanted to be a part of it. everyday that passed i wished to see her, or pray that on my way to school she'll just show up. lame you can say that, but frankly i didnt give a shit of what people think that time, i was happy as anyone coulb be.

yet far as you may, i still continue to prayone day will come that we will be together i say.and when that day comes, ill be the happiest manfor the day has come, we've met together, becoming as one.

why aren't we together you ask? well, the time that we met, i was in a relationship with someone, whom i had discovered wasn't worth the sacrifices for she's the one that cheated on me, anyway, for that reason that i was in a relationship, i was forced to call it off. and she stopped calling, and texting. but i couldn't stand it, so i opened my window... or in your words... email. then after a year (right after i discovered that my reason for leaving the girl of my dreams just cheated on me) i had the chance to go to davao, there we had our chance and as she promised, from her texts and calls, the very moment we saw each other (this was only the second time) she gaved me a hug i can never forget, even now while writing this the feeling just spreads through my vains.

it is the diffrence of what you wantand what is expected of you.from what you need, and whats good for you.from who you love,and who loves you.

but as the time passed, now i can see that she has gotten over me, and that she has already a good life. i cant contest on that, not when a life with me means a greater sacrifies on her side. i dont ever wanna see her cry.

Message for the bottles

" As we grow older, we learn that even that one person that wasn't suppose to ever let you down, probably will. You will have your heart broken, probably more than once and its harder everytime. You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken. You'll fight with your bestfriend. You'll blame a new love for things an old one did. You'll cry because time is passing so fast, and you'll eventually lose someone you love.. so take too many pictures, laugh too hard, and love like you've never been hurt.. because every minute you spend, mad or upset, is a minute of happiness that you'll never get.."

Dear Husband:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I'vebeen a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it.

These last two weeks have been hell.. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or any thing. Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone.

P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!Your EX-Wife

Dear Ex-Wife

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say anything nice. Whe! n you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work itout. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone.

Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have thefulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was bornCarla. I hope that's not a problem.

another one for the broken hearts

a great loss has come to me... and again it has. for what i had just started to build my dreams with (again) has crumble into ashes... many trials and problems we have passed, and yet this last one got the better of us.

the tide going agaisnt us and the world with it. maybe she wasn't the one for me... but she was who i want. maybe she wasn't the one i need... but she was the one i treasured most.

and now, she might not be the one i hold, the one i embrace, the one im with, but she'll always be here...inside me.

A love letter... from the one who got away

Hi! How are you?

You know what? I thought of you today. I don't know how, in the midst of my most hectic days, thoughts of you manage to squeeze their way into my mind. I don't know how you do it, considering that I haven't heard from you for four years now. Come to think of it, I didn't even realize until now that it has been four years. Four years, so many "relationships" since then, and yet, I still go back to you.

I know, it's not your fault we're not even friends anymore. After all, I was the one who changed numbers and didn't tell you. But please understand that, at that time, I thought it was the best way to go for both of us. I couldn't get the closure that I wanted, because I knew you were just a text away. Besides, back then, I was considering dating one of my closest friends seriously, and the only way I could possibly do that without going crazy was by cutting you off. I’m sorry for that.

I remember how we met. It was the most unconventional of ways. Thanks to our new modem, everything started with a simple, "ASL please," and ended with, "Can I have your number?" And though I regarded you then as nothing more than a group of words that, once in a while, grazed my computer monitor, you managed to jump right off the screen and change my life in a way that no one else was able to do.

I was the ultimate cynic before I met you, and I know I shouldn’t be reminding you of this, because you know this so well. I was the girl who was terrified to commit, terrified to lay her heart out on the open, terrified to gamble, for the weirdest and most confusing reasons.

Actually, now that I had so much time to think about it, my phobia back then can actually be summed up in four words: fear of getting hurt. I was so petrified at the thought of getting hurt, that I made people believe that I regarded them closely, but actually dealt with them at arms' length. I never let anyone get close enough to hurt me. I originally planned to do the same with you. Of course, you wouldn't allow me. That was one of the reasons why, I believe, I fell for you.

My love life, predictably, has a very sad and sorry cycle. Guy X falls for me. I fall for him. He tries to get close to me. I place him at a safe distance. He tries to get closer. I push him farther away. He gets tired of trying. I get tired of myself. We let go. I try bitterly to move on. I meet Guy Y, but I can't deal with him too well because I'm still moping about Guy X. And the cycle repeats itself almost automatically. I know that to be happy, you have to gamble, but I was never a good risk taker. Not until after you.

You were unlike any guy I've ever met before. Well, you were antipatiko and suplado, even maldita! You were a spoiled brat who was used to getting what he wanted in an instant. Admittedly, I was a spoiled brat too. So we clashed. You hated all the things that I loved, and I loathed all the things that interested you. It was a match made in hell. But somehow, for some unknown reason, you stayed put.

I still don't know how you did it. Well, you did start by texting me once every week. Then you called me once a week. Then the calls and the texts became more frequent, until it got to a point that I was too busy texting you to pay any attention to my classes. I was spending 250 pesos a week for prepaid call cards, which I thought was fair enough, since you were spending the same amount in two days. Plus, my phone's batteries, which used to last all day, was drained in two hours max.

Not long after, somehow, someway, you managed to pull the rug off from under me. And before I even knew what was happening, I had been swept off my feet.

I remember just now, how the simplest of your gestures can make me so giddy. I remember how I was when I used to wait for your call. I used to shudder in anticipation of hearing your voice, literally speaking. And when you text me, it was like nothing else mattered-at all. My former room mates even used to tease me about it. They told me they can always tell when you send me a text message, since my face automatically lights up when I see your name appear on the screen.

I can vaguely remember the kilig feeling, but I know that it felt like my insides were turning to mush, my muscles were dissolving in electricity, and butterflies were hammering against my throat. I know, they don't sound too good in print, but they are, in actuality, the best feelings in the world.

I remember, still quite vividly, how the mere memory of your laugh was enough to make me smile, and how the mere sound of your voice had been enough to brighten up the darkest of my days. I remember looking forward to waking up every morning, because I knew it would be another day to communicate with you. Somehow, deep down, I knew I was falling for you. Somehow, however, I tried to bury them to the deepest recesses of my heart in the hope of vanquishing them forever.

I remember quite well how you told me, countless of times, how much you loved me. Unfortunately, I am also constantly reminded how cruel I was. Because every time you said you cared, I always found ways to avoid answering back. I'd tell you, "I like you as a person," or I'd say, "Mushy!" It got to the point, however, that I got tired of making up ways to avoid your question that I just told you, "You know I can’t answer that right now." I'm so darn stupid! I would always have to stop from banging myself against the wall when I remember how badly I treated you. And, I know, no matter how many times I tell you I'm sorry, nothing would ever change anything.

You asked me once why I liked you. And I told you, "Because you make me happy." And you know what? You really did. You made me happy, in a way that I never thought I could ever be. I thank you for that.

To tell you honestly, I don't remember how you look like. I can only remember certain aspects, like your braces, and your smile, and the feel of your hand on my back. But I do remember, so very well, the sound of your voice, your musical laughter, and sadly, even the distant and angry tone of your voice as we neared our goodbyes.

Maybe I'll never forget you. Maybe I'll never live down the fact that I had you-but I let you go. Was it that, or was it that I had you, but I did not work hard, did not fight hard enough to make you stay? I don't know. I don't want to think, and I don't believe that now is the time to rationalize about these things. Because the truth of the matter is, you're gone.

I hate living this life, knowing that I'll be thinking of these "what if's" for the rest of my life. I hate wishing that I could turn back time, so that I could correct all my mistakes, took all the risks I should have taken, and reached for your hand when you held it out for me. But it's too late for that, and it's not even plausible anyway.

I can't help but wonder, once in a while, how you're doing. I wonder if you're happy, or if some lucky creature is making you happy. I wonder if you still think of me, or even just remember that I exist. Because I think of you. Every single day, against my will, against my better judgment. I've fooled myself long enough to believe that you're not important in my life, not essential to my existence. I'm tired of my own masquerade. I just want to acknowledge the fact that yes, you have touched my life, even if I have acknowledged this too late.

A lot of people say, "There are many fishes in the sea." They weren't lying. I found that out myself after we separated ways. I dated like hell when you said goodbye, trying to numb myself from the pain, trying to ignore the emptiness that was left with the vacuum that you created in my life. But you know what? At the end of the day, it was still you. I couldn't find the special spark that I found in you, not even in better-looking or funnier or smarter or richer guys. They didn't have the magic that you had. They couldn't make my insides melt with a smile. They couldn’t ease away all my pains with a call. Simply put, they were not you. Yes, they were many, but none of them was you.

I wish you could see me now. I believe I can safely say that I'm a much better person now than I was four years ago. I have a better perspective on life and love. I don't make up fights anymore just to make things interesting. I don't make up stories anymore to test how much people love me. I don't play mind games anymore. And when I feel something, I say it. I'm not afraid to love anymore. I'm not afraid to get hurt. I'm no longer afraid to take risks. I just wish you were here to see the new, different me. But then again, that could never happen, no matter how hard I try to wish for it.

You know what? Because of you, I promised myself a few things. I promised myself that I would never be afraid to fall or get hurt. I promised myself that I would take risks, seize opportunities, and conquer my fears. I promised myself that I would never settle for anything less than butterflies.

I used to believe that when you lose someone, you'll get a chance to meet them again. I used to believe in second chances. Losing you has taught me that there are no second chances in life. When you meet someone, and you are given that chance to change their lives, you have to take hold of that opportunity, because that is the only chance you've got. You have your chance, and that's it. You have to make the most out of it, and then let go when it's time. People come and go, and you have to live with it.

I constantly have to remind myself that you've done your part in my life. You taught me the lesson you came to teach, so you have to leave. I have to move on. I shouldn't wait. But I can't help it.

Hell Freezes Over

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following: Answer Submitted: First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different Religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the tem rature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it?If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you", and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is, therefore, extinct ... leaving only Heaven. Thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God." This student received the only 'A'.

LOSING THE WORLD

I HATE idle time. Past hurts resurface and you experience what you felt before. Weeks and weeks have passed since the love of my life left me. She gave me three main reasons but she says the list goes on. It was a Friday night when she broke the news to me. I was at her place and she just came out and told me that it was over.

I feel so rotten. Last I heard from her, she's been seeing a couple of guys already. Maybe the only good thing that came out from this break-up are the songs I was able to write for her. But I'd gladly give up writing good songs if it would make her come back. What good are songs if they were inspired by heartbreak? I'd rather have a love present than good heartbreak songs.

Damn. I miss her so bad. I miss her smile. This was what drew me to her. She has that perfect smile that could make anybody melt deep inside. I miss her scent. I miss the way she walks as she glides onto the pavement as she drags her feet. I miss the way she laughs. I miss the way she leans toward me to have me kiss her nose. I miss waking up beside her. I miss the way she leaves notes for me. I miss calling her baby. I miss hugging her. I miss kissing her. I miss holding her hand. I miss taking care of her. I miss watching her sleep. I miss running my fingers through her hair. I miss making her laugh. I miss teasing her. I miss loving her. ... I miss the way she loves me. I miss the woman who showed me what true love is. I miss how being loved feels like. I will never be loved the way she loved me -- that's for sure. That's what makes it even more painful. What really bites is that the moment I realized that I'd want her to be with me until my dying days, she had let go already. I will never forgive myself for being so dumb.

I have my share of not being able to hold the other end of the line and I definitely have my regrets. I regret not showing how I really felt. I loved her. She's that one woman in my life that I can truly say that I loved so much that it hurt. But it was me, I never showed her how much I cherished having her in my life. I loved her and I showed it to her but she wasn't satisfied... she was right. I know I could've given more. I know I could've showed her more. I was too scared to. Past relationships have brought me to this and I feel bad that I came to this. If only I believed more and loved more, maybe she wouldn't have decided to leave. Maybe.

In the end, all I had were regrets and apologies for my lack. I'd like to take this chance though to say sorry for all the things I did and didn't do. I did realize a lot of things and that is why I'd like to get this out...

I'm sorry for neglecting you. I'm sorry for acting weird whenever I was out of town. I'm sorry for failing to say 'I love you' at times before putting down the phone when we went beyond years. I'm sorry I failed to say good morning whenever I got up. I'm sorry for being stubborn. I'm sorry for not staying with you the whole night whenever I had gigs and you were around. I'm sorry for getting the last bite/piece. I'm sorry for making you feel "not enough" when you were more than enough. I'm sorry for putting up a fight when we had misunderstandings when all I had to do was stop, think, and say "sorry." I'm sorry for not showing how I really felt. I'm sorry for not showing up enough at UP. I'm sorry I wasn't always there to help or comfort you when it came to schoolwork and school problems. I'm sorry that I didn't put up a guard when someone was trying to take you away from me. I'm sorry for not sending enough sweet messages to your mobile. I'm sorry for not being all that mushy. I'm sorry I didn't hold your hand enough whenever we walked around. I'm sorry I didn't write enough letters for you. I'm sorry I gave delayed gifts. I'm sorry I didn't shop enough for you. I'm sorry I didn't wash enough dishes. I'm sorry I didn't tell you often how beautiful you really are in my eyes. I'm sorry for not embracing you enough. I'm sorry for not telling you enough that I value having you in my life. I'm sorry I didn't get to dance with you enough on the kitchen floor. I'm sorry I didn't cry enough whenever we fought. I'm sorry I wasn't that responsible then. I'm sorry that sometimes, I missed out on the little things. I'm sorry I was selfish. I'm sorry I didn't help pay the bills. I'm sorry that I wasn't all that imaginative in thinking of things to do with and for you, traveling with you, making a mix CD for you with songs about love, writing a little book about us, drawing doodles for you to keep, writing a song for you that was inspired by your love and not because I lost you, and lying beside you on the beach.

I'm sorry I didn't let you know that you are the most important person in my life. I'm sorry that I didn't assure you that I wanted it to be you forever, early on. I'm sorry that how I loved you wasn't enough. I'm sorry that I realized all of these a bit too late. There was a phase after the break-up that I desperately hoped for things to go back to how it was. I hoped to wake up from this bad dream. But of all the people I'd expect to give me a wake up call, it was her. We had a couple of conversations where she reminded me that it was over. I shouldn't expect anything from her anymore. I had nothing to come back to. But still... The one that gave it away was when we talked the other day. She told me that she's been dating. It's been less than two months and it was too hard for me to accept that the person I've been with for more than four years has been going out already so soon. I told her that it seemed so soon but the answer she gave me crushed everything I held on to... "Hello? It's been two months already!" I've been on the other end suffering from what happened and there she was dating. She has the right, but I wasn't dating because I was hoping. I didn't want to throw away four years that easily. But I was mistaken because it was that easy for her to get on with her life and that was the last nail that shut the coffin of hope.

Now what? I'm here writing about a love lost as if it would do me good or would it? I have thought of giving up but as they say, "while there's breath, there's hope." It's just hard to wake up each morning being depressed, then the thought enters your mind that, "I'm here in pain and she's somewhere else happily moving on with her new guy." Imagine how painful it is to feel that, every waking day.

I pray that none of you will experience what I went through. I've gone through a couple of relationships already and nothing can compare to the pain of having the person you love so dearly, stolen from you.

I'm not that strong a person when it comes to love. If I didn't have God in my life and my music, I would've killed myself already. Without her, I didn't see any more reason to live. Call me pathetic but that is how I feel.

I have nothing else to do now but write. Write about my emotions. Write about my life. Write about anything just to keep me sane. I am still alive and I will continue to write.

I just hope one day that we'll end up together. I pray that our paths may cross once again and when that day comes, we'll never have to part again. Right now, I will just have to wait and see. It hurts to be away from her and hoping is not as easy as it is said. It is really difficult to have to hang on to uncertainty when every time the phone rings, someone knocks on the door, someone sends me a text message on my mobile, or an e-mail, I'd wish that it's her. I'd wish so badly for it to be her.

It hurts that when the time came that I finally found the person I'd want to spend my life with, she lets go of what we have. I've never felt this degree of wanting someone so bad that you see a life with her and that you cannot imagine yourself with anyone else anymore. I didn't want freedom any longer. I wanted her.

It would've been easier to let what happened pass if she didn't mean anything to me or if love wasn't something that I strongly felt for her. But she was my world. She was my muse. She was my everything. And I was happy. That is why it isn't easy. It isn't easy at all.

Now, I sit here unable to move on and simply hanging on to a hope that is quite unsure. Until my prayers are answered, my heart would be an empty vessel because one Friday evening, I lost the world. And my life has never been the same.

PARTNERS AND MARRIAGE

I have never met a man who didn't want to beloved. But I have seldom met a man who didn't fearmarriage. Something about the closure seemsconstricting, not enabling. Marriage seems easierto understand for what it cuts out of our lives thanfor what it makes possible within our lives.

When I was younger this fear immobilized me. Idid not want to make a mistake. I saw my friendsget married for reasons of social acceptability, orsexual fever, or just because they thought it wasthe logical thing to do. Then I watched, as theyand their partners became embittered and petty intheir dealings with each other. I looked at oldercouples and saw, at best, mutual tolerat ion ofeach other. I imagined a lifetime of loveless nightsand bickering and could not imagine subjectingmyself or someone else to such a fate.

And yet, on rare occasions, I would see oldcouples who somehow seemed to glow in eachother's presence. They seemed really in love, notjust dependent upon each other and tolerant ofeach other's foibles. It was an astounding sight,and it seemed impossible. How, I asked myself,can they have survived so many years ofsameness, so much irritation at the other's habits?What keeps love alive in them, when most of usseem unable to even stay together, much less loveeach other? The central secret seems to be inchoosing well. There is something to the claim offundamental compatibility. Good people can createa bad relationship, even though they both dearlywant the relationship to succeed. It is important tofind someone with whom you can create a goodrelationship from the outset. Unfortunately, it ishard to see clearly in the early stages.

Sexual hunger draws you to each other and colorsthe way you see yourselves together. It blinds youto the thousands of little things by whichrelationships eventually survive or fail. You need tofind a way to see beyond this initial overwhelmingsexual fascination. Some people choose to involvethemselves sexually and ride out the most heatedperiod of sexual attraction in order to see what ison the other side. This can work, but it can alsoleave a trail of wounded hearts. Others deny thesexual side altogether in an attempt to get to knoweach other apart from their sexuality. But theycannot see clearly, because the presence ofunfulfilled sexual desire looms so large that itkeeps them from having any normal perception ofwhat life would be like together. The truly luckypeople are the ones who manage to become long-time friends before they realize they are attractedto each other. They get to know each other'slaughs, passions, sadness, and fears. They seeeach other at their worst and at their best. Theyshare time together before they get swept into theentangling intimacy of their sexuality.

This is the ideal, but not often possible. If you fallunder the spell of your sexual attractionimmediately, you need to look beyond it for otherkeys to compatibility. One of these is laughter.Laughter tells you how much you will enjoy eachother's company over the long term. If yourlaughter together is good and healthy, and not atthe expense of others, then you have a healthyrelationship to the world. Laughter is the child ofsurprise. If you can make each other laugh, youcan always surprise each other. And if you canalways surprise each other, you can always keepthe world around you new. Beware of a relationshipin which there is no laughter. Even the mostintimate relationships based only on seriousnesshave a tendency to turn sour. Over time, sharing acommon serious viewpoint on the world tends toturn you against those who do not share the sameviewpoint, and your relationship can become basedon being critical together.

After laughter, look for a partner who deals with theworld in a way you respect. When two people firstget together, they tend to see their relationship asexisting only in the space between the two ofthem. They find each other endlessly fascinating,and the overwhelming power of the emotions theyare sharing obscures the outside world. As therelationship ages and grows, the outside worldbecomes important again. If your partner treatspeople or circumstances in a way you can'taccept, you will inevitably come to grief. Look atthe way she cares for others and deals with thedaily affairs of life. If that makes you love her more,your love will grow. If it does not, be careful . If youdo not respect the way you each deal with theworld around you, eventually the two of you will notrespect each other.

Look also at how your partner confronts themysteries of life. We live on the cusp of poetry andpracticality, and the real life of the heart resides inthe poetic. If one of you is deeply affected by themystery of the unseen in life and relationships,while the other is drawn only to the literal and thepractical, you must take care that the distancedoesnt become an unbridgeable gap that leavesyou each feeling isolated andmisunderstood.

There are many other keys, but you must findthem by ourself. We all have unchangeable partsof our hearts that we will not betray and privatecommitments to a vision of life that we will notdeny. If you fall in love with someone who cannotnourish those inviolable parts of you, or if youcannot nourish them in her, you will find yourselvesgrowing further apart until you live in separateworlds where you share the business of life, butnever touch each other where the heart lives anddreams. From there it is only a small leap to thecataloging of petty hurts and daily failures thatleaves so many couples bitter and unsatisfied withtheir mates.

So choose carefully and well. If you do, you willhave chosen a partner with whom you can grow,and then the real miracle of marriage can takeplace in your hearts. I pick my words carefullywhen I speak of a miracle. But I think it is not toostrong a word. There is a miracle in marriage. It iscalled transformation. Transformation is one of themost common events of nature. The seedbecomes the flower. The cocoon becomes thebutterfly. Winter becomes spring and lovebecomes a child. We never question these,because we see them around us every day. To usthey are not miracles, though if we did not knowthem they would be impossible to believe.Marriage is a transformation we choose to make.Our love is planted like a seed, and in time itbegins to flower. We cannot know the flower thatwill blossom, but we can be sure that a bloom willcome. If you have chosen carefully and wisely, thebloom will be good. If you have chosen poorly or forthe wrong reason, the bloom will be flawed. We arequite willing to accept the reality of negativetransformation in a marriage. It was negativetransformation that always had me terrified of thebitter marriages that I feared when I was younger.It never occurred to me to question the darkmi racle that transformed love into harshness andbitterness. Yet I was unable to accept thepossibility that the first heat of love could betransformed into something positive that wasactually deeper and more meaningful than the heatof fresh passion. All I could believe in was thepower of this passion and the fear that when itcooled I would be left with something lesser andbitter. But there is positive transformation as well.Like negative transformation, it results from a slowaccretion of little things. But instead of death by athousand blows, it is growth by a thousandtouches of love. Two histori es intermingle. Twoseparate beings, two separate presence, twoseparate consciousnesses come together andshare a view of life that passes before them. Theyremain separate, but they also become one. Thereis an expansion of awareness, not a closure and aconstriction, as I had once feared. This is n ot tosay that there is not tension and there are nottraps. Tension and traps are part of every choice oflife, from celibate to monogamous to havingmultiple lovers. Each choice contains within it thelingering doubt that the road not taken somehowmore fruitful and exciting, and each becomesdulled to the richness that it alone contains. Butonly marriage allows life to deepen and expandand be leavened by the knowledge that two havechosen, against all odds, to become one. Thosewho live together without marriage can know thepleasure of shared company, but there is aspecific gravity in the marriage commitment thatdeepens that experience into something richer andmore complex.

So do not fear marriage, just as you should notrush into it for the wrong reasons. It is an act offaith and it contains within it the power oftransformation.

If you believe in your heart that you have foundsomeone with whom you are able to grow, if youhave sufficient faith that you can resist the endlessattraction of the road not taken and the partner notchosen, if you have the strength of heart toembrace the cycles and seasons that your lovewill experience, then you may be ready to seekthe miracle that marriage offers. If not, then wait.The easy grace of a marriage well made is worthyour patience. When the time comes, a thousandflowers will bloom...endlessly.

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

A clean,white sheet,a paper to write and put a mark on.Pencils and pens,perfectly complement it.Rhymes and phrases, lines and drawings,bring out the color and purpose of both.In the colorful and magical world,but in reality, still ponders and filters the marks on it.Looking for the Pastel,that will bring forth the canvassed APRIL.