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Criminal arrests set to become profitable for Kent Force

A UK police force has taken advice from popular attraction ‘Chessington World of Adventures’ to improve their profitability during the global downturn.

Kent’s new Chief Constable, Ian Learmonth, said that the idea came about after the previous Chief Constable commissioned a gift shop for their website. ‘As soon as I spotted the police-themed giftware available on our internet site, I knew we could adapt our usual arrest and discharge procedures to include elements of Chessington’s sales know-how to boost our income,’ he said.

‘The easiest part to implement was channelling visitors through our own pre-release gift shop positioned at the exit from the station, using stock from the force’s website,’ Learmonth continued. ‘It offers suspects and offenders such delights such as Kent Police emblazoned mugs or dominoes sets as keepsakes to remind them of their visit. Many of our guests are parents and really appreciate the chance to take their little ones a wooden speed control checkpoint or policeman and dog figurine.’

The Chief Constable has further plans based on his fully-funded fact-finding mission at the theme park, undertaken with the help of his family and friends. ‘Having seen the exorbitant prices they ask for food, I soon realised that we were missing a massive source of income to bolster our turnover,’ he said, ‘so we will soon be installing Burger King and KFC franchises where the first three detainment cells used to be.’

Mr Learmonth believes his initiative can even improve on some of the more basic details. ‘The entertainment is typically all-inclusive at a place like Chessington,’ he said, ‘but we can go one better and will begin charging for any trips in our vehicles, with premium pricing for our exciting new ‘car chase through the streets of Chatham followed by violent takedown and arrest’ ride.’

Mr Learmonth’s most controversial plan is still under scrutiny however, as the logistics of charging an entry fee before admitting ‘customers’ is likely to see arrest figures drop significantly. One recent trialist, taken in for questioning after drugs were discovered in his car during a minor motoring offence, has condemned the new fees. ‘Yeah, I was bang to rights, I’ve held me hands up and they’ve charged me for the offences, but charging me money for the privilege too? It’s obscene! I gotta admit, my youngest is gonna look great in her new ‘wanted’ baby-gro, but thirteen quid each? It’s bloody daylight robbery I tell ya!’