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This week the top 9 contestants on American Idol wailed and whimpered their way through the songs of Elvis Presley. Even guest mentor Adam Lambert couldn’t save this show from being a torturous ride of badness from beginning to end. While a few of the contestants did well enough, overall it was one of the worst nights of American Idol we’ve ever had the misfortune to watch.

American Idol Top 9 (FOX)

We always expect Crystal Bowersox to knock it out of the park and this week was no exception to the rule. Bowersox wisely followed Adam Lambert’s advice to go electric for her performance of “Saved” and the song choice suited her well. Honestly though, we’re actually starting to get a little bit bored by Bowersox. We know she’s going to be fabulous, but now is the time she needs to push it way harder. We don’t just want to watch her and say “that was terrific” – we want to hear her sing and be stunned into silence by her performance.

Andrew Garcia was one of our least favorite of the night with his take on “Hound Dog”. MTV.com’s Jim Cantiello called it “cruelty to animals” and we have to agree. We love that Adam Lambert didn’t pull any punches with Garcia during rehearsal. “It’s boring,” Lambert told Garcia. “I was bored. I’m going to be totally honest with you. I know I can be straight up with you.” Sadly, Garcia apparently didn’t learn anything from Lambert’s words of wisdom when he took to the stage.

We were angry when Tim Urban actually didn’t suck completely on “Can’t Help Falling In Love”. We’ve been bashing this guy since the beginning and the past two weeks he’s actually managed to not have the worst performance of the night. We don’t agree with Simon Cowell that Urban has gone from a “zero to a hero” – but we humbly admit he is improving. That being said, he still sounds like a cheap knockoff of a drunken karaoke singer.

While Lee DeWyze impressed us a bit with his rendition of “A Little Less Conversation”, we still think he needs some serious lessons in vocal control. Still, we rate him probably second or third for the night.

Aaron Kelly‘s “Blue Suede Shoes” was a yawn and we’re pretty sure he is just continuing to skate through based on the “cute” vote. Kelly is the guy we consistently forget exists, which is just about the worst thing you can say about a singer.

We’ve always had a bit of a thing for Siobhan Magnus, just because she’s a little bit “different” than the usual Idol contestant, but her “Suspicious Minds” performance was trivial and uninspiring. Magnus has had her moments this season, but last night wasn’t one of them.

Michael Lynche gave us a happy moment with his version of “In the Ghetto”, but our love for Big Mike is starting to wane. He’s got a great voice, but it’s beginning to feel like he’s kind of a one-note performer. Even so, he still stands out among the guys as one of the few who does have a decent share of natural talent to work with.

Simon Cowell called Katie Steven‘s performance of “Baby, What You Want Me To Do?” “shrieky and annoying” and we’ll jump right on that bandwagon. We’re done with Stevens and we hope the American Idol viewers will be too as soon as possible.

The judges were not impressed with Casey James and his boring-as-hell take on “Lawdy Miss Clawdy”. We frankly wanted to fast-forward through it after the first few notes. We don’t hate James, but we feel he’s another contestant getting by on the “cute” vote. Then again, there are plenty of music industry ‘stars’ out there doing the same thing and making buttloads of cash.

We’re glad Adam Lambert was around this week to give us some entertainment on American Idol, because the contestants failed for the most part to do anything of the sort. We can’t wait until Lambert takes the stage tonight to show these losers how it’s really supposed to be done!