October is on us. The banshees are howling. The werewolves are loose and the zombies are prowling. And yet the great horror of this Halloween Is the Whopper that renders your excrement green! It’s the stuff of your nightmares, but nonetheless true That Burger King’s putting the “Boo!” in your poo. Was a scientist ever [...]

The Book Club members gather and refreshments start to flow. They serve a fruity Chardonnay, a Riesling and Merlot. They compare their Francis Coppola with cheaper Two Buck Chuck. They reminisce on younger days when people drank Cold Duck. Of course I can’t be certain, but to judge from how it looks, if they changed [...]

There was scintillating brilliance in the era of Voltaire. The spark of the Enlightenment was somehow in the air. The philosophes would gather in a neighborhood café, Where they’d then proceed to jack their brains on fifty cups a day! They were scientists and thinkers, intellectual machines! And they owed it to the potion from [...]

I’ve tried my best to eat for health, but now I’ve paid the price. According to the latest news, there’s arsenic in rice! I’ve kept my fiber intake high, I have since I was ten. And only to be murdered by the likes of Uncle Ben! From here on out, I’ll live on fries and [...]

Bloomberg’s brought back prohibition! Jumbo drinks are now taboo! Crooks and mugs are on a mission, Brewing bathtub Mountain Dew! Need some hefty Coca-Colas? Mr. Pibb, the drink of sin? Go out back to Joe Carolla’s. Knock three times, he’ll let you in. Sunkist sells like liquid crack. There’s Sprite for those who’ve got the [...]

The nation’s growing more obese, As scientists and doctors warn. They’ve notified the health police Of Oreos with candy corn! Their color’s got a neon glow. They’re packed with sugar by the ton. Their fiber content’s extra low, And no one ever eats just one! The CDC is quite alarmed. They’ve issued warnings all must [...]

We’re a family operation, And our mission’s very broad. We do more than peddle chicken, We enforce the will of God! We’re the guardians of righteousness, So here at Chick-fil-A, We approve of love and marriage, But condemn it if it’s gay! The law is in Leviticus, Right there in white and black. (There are [...]

I’m eating again at Los Pollos Hermanos. The chicken’s like nothing I’ve tasted before! So spicy and tender, I go on a bender And down a whole bucket, but still I want more! When I first took a taste, it was instant obsession, A powerful habit I just never shook. My insatiable cravings now lead [...]