Why on God’s Green, Natural Earth Has No One Figured Out How To Make Healthy Pizza!?

Disclaimer: This is supposed to be funny and satirical. Can’t believe I actually have to tell you that, but some of my readers didn’t get that…not sure why they’re still my readers…enjoy.

Does it ever bother anyone else that pizza, the most delicious food on the planet, is also one of the worst things to put in your body?

I mean seriously, how much crueler can life be?

You are a classic American, so you work hard. I mean REALLY hard. Like ridiculously, incredulously, insanely, hard. And after a long day’s work you want nothing more than to come home, kick your shoes off, plop on the couch and watch TV.

Don’t they have a name for that? Oh yeah, the American dream.

And while you watch reruns of American Idol (because you’re truly THAT American) you get it in your head that you deserve some pizza.

With all it’s beautiful goodness. It’s intoxicating aroma. It’s mouth watering glow. The way the cheese is glistening just right. Ahhhhhhhhhhh yes…pizza….

Best of all, you thank the stars and stripes that you can call, text, or damn near telepathically think in an order form the endless number of establishments salivating at the opportunity to hand deliver it right to your door!

AND THEY DON’T EVEN CARE IF YOU ANSWER IN YOUR UNDERWEAR! (I know this from experience).

The whole process is divine. The Greek gods of old couldn’t even imagine this level of righteousness.

However.

There is one glaringly awful part.

After you’re done dipping your crust in garlic sauce, and the entire XXL box is empty, even though this was a solo venture, you realize.

You’re fat.

And I’m not talking like you’re actually fat. Your weight and appearance really have nothing to do with it.