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Centuries

After about a week of bliss the flashbacks started again. It always starts at night. I have no idea what triggers me, and it’s not a standard dream or nightmare it’s something startles me awake and then the memories come flooding back in. It’s the nature of the disorder, I understand that, but that doesn’t make it less frustrating.

I’m actually starting to wonder if it isn’t my BPD triggering my PTSD flashbacks. I discussed it briefly a few weeks ago with my aptitude toward self sabotage. Life has been great, nothing to complain about outwardly, and then this happens. Although, maybe it’s just a memory I haven’t properly grieved yet? That tends to help when little fragments pop up. I guess I’ll have to take time to write down the entire memory and see if that helps. These new episodes are different memories than the previous ones, that is at least encouraging.

I will figure this out, dammit! It’s a part of my life, but it’s not going to control my life. I REFUSE to let it take over again, especially now when things are so good. I’m not going to mess this up anymore than I already have before treatment. This is the life I’ve always wanted and just because I have it now I’m not going to let my crazy take it away from me.

Anyway I’m running mega late and really didn’t have time to do this right now. Lol. I really just had this new song from Fall Out Boy shuffle into my playlist getting ready this morning and it really fit my situation perfectly. If my flashbacks could talk they would sing this song. “You will remember me for centuries. This is supposed to match the darkness that you felt, I never met for you to fix yourself.”