Friday, January 20, 2012

Gingrich Wows Phony Christians with Wounded Dignity Gambit

Hippocrassee Beach, SC. Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich brought the conservative Christianist crowd to its collective feet of clay twice last night with a stunning display of ersatz wounded dignity and feigned umbrage at John King's unbridled temerity in opening the 137th Republican debate with the offer for Mr. Gingrich to address allegations made by his 2nd wife that he had requested she participate in an "open marriage." Said the candidate:

“I think the destructive vicious negative nature of much of the news
media makes it harder to govern this country, harder to attract decent
people to run for public office. I’m appalled you would begin a
presidential debate on a topic like that.”

“Is that all you want to say, sir?” King asked.

“Let me finish,” Gingrich, retorted. “Every person in here knows
personal pain. Every person in here has had someone close to them go
through painful things. To take an ex-wife and make it two days before
the primary, a significant question in a presidential campaign, is as
close to despicable as anything I can imagine. My two daughters, my two
daughters wrote the head of ABC and made the point that it was wrong,
that they should pull it, and I am, frankly, astounded that CNN would
take trash like that and use it to open a presidential debate.”

“This story did not come from our network,” King replied. “As you
also know, it is the subject of conversation on the campaign. I get your
point, I take –”

“John, it was repeated by your network,” Gingrich interrupted. “You
chose to start the debate with it. Don’t blame it on somebody else. You
and your staff chose to start the debate with it.”

Mr. Gingrich, who worked tirelessly to destroy, humiliate and remove a sitting president for having an extramarital affair while he was himself engaged in one at the same time, spent the rest of the debate firing off answers from atop his high horse to the delight of all in attendance.

Said audience member Robert E. Lee Ewell:

"I was a Santorum supporter until Mr. Gingrich put that uppity Juan Williams boy in his place a couple days ago, but this seals the deal. Newt didn't just shoot the messenger, he napalmed the messenger, then shot him full of holes, then ran over him with a damn tank.

"If these media types want to ask questions about politicians' sex lives, they should start with the Democrats. Hell, Barack Hussein Obama is ruttin' a black woman in the White House! We believe in redemption, as long as you're right with God. And by that I mean white and Republican, like Jesus."

About Me

Kona Lowell is the author of The Solid Green Birthday & Other Fables and Don't Pet the Sharks: Advice, Observations & Snark from the Big Island, Hawaii. Also a musician, Kona's newest project is No Empty Sky, the CD titled "Empire."