Visionary Critic “Oh Mars” Watches Watchmen

SSssssoooooo tooooodaaaay I saaaaaw Waaaaaatchmeeeeeen aaaaaaaand…oh sorry, excessive slow motion is really irritating, isn’t it? I’m pretty damn familiar with the source material – my copy of the graphic novel is a decade strong – but I’m not going to bitch about inaccuracies or what anyone else has been jerking off about for the past five months or so. I really wanted to love this movie, but I objectively put aside the source material and, well, it was a really shitty movie. Period. Aw hell, screw cohesive paragraphs, pardon my bullets…

The opening credits and Jackie Earle Haley are the only things I enjoyed. Haley deserves a fucking Oscar or at least a SAG nod for his portrayal of sociopath Rorschach. I could have watched a three hour movie about Rorschach doing time (his line “You think I’m locked in here with you!?!? You’re locked in here with me!!! – misquote, is the only line that gave me chills). It’s not only a career defining performance but also a genre defining one, belonging alongside Ledger’s Joker. For reals. Jeffrey Dean Morgan, although Comedian is only in the movie for about seven minutes, knocked a ferociously complex character out of the park. In that short amount of time, we hated, admired, and fought alongside the raping, incorrigible Comedian. Bravo fellas, after you two, the movie had nothing.

Matthew Goode, Malin Akeman, and Patrick Wilson are possibly the worst three actors I have ever seen in a movie together. Yes, worse than DJ Skribble, Pras, and Ja Rule in Turn It Up (at least that had Jason Statham). As completely cardboard and impersonal as the prequel trilogy. I seriously didn’t give a shit about any of them. Nor did I give a shit about millions of people being wiped out in the end. How is this possible when Eddie Olmos’ face makes me weep in two seconds flat? Well, because Watchmen had absolutely no emotion at its center; the destruction of NYC becomes simply a half-assed special effects sequence along with the entire finale. ZZZZzzzzzz.

One of my favorite themes of the graphic novel was the examination of WHO the hell would want to put on a mask and take the law into their own hands. This was portrayed with a bulls eye in the case of Rorschach, but no motivation was reflected believably in any other character in the movie. Ozy, who causes the death of millions, was a step away from tying a blonde to the tracks and twirling a moustache; his “villainous” character was that contrived and flat. The movie epically fails at making the audience feel the magnitude of what Ozy did.

Directly transferring the dialogue and aesthetic from someone’s original work does not equal a “faithful adaption” if you completely disregard the thematic elements and complexities of the source material. Snyder, you have a lot of talent, especially for action, but two previous films under your belt does not make you a “visionary filmmaker.” I’ll say it again: Watchmen was utterly devoid of any emotion.

Besides the use of “The Times They Are A-Changin” during the incredible opening credits, the music cues were a fucking joke. People in the theater, including myself, laughed aloud when Cohen’s “Hallelujah” started off the sex scene. “99 Luftballoons” didn’t fit in at all and Hendrix’s “All Along the Watchtower” felt contractual for a period piece. I was ready for them to start playing “Fortunate Son” as Manhattan smoked charlies.

I really hope people who have never read the graphic novel don’t root their Watchmen judgement in this movie.

Crudup, you had an incredibly difficult task and your work should be applauded. Your scenes as Jon Osterman before the accident are great and I’m sure the special effects team pulled what they could out of you for the portrayal of Manhattan…but God damn…the swingin’ blue doctor came off waaaay to much as a cartoon character for me. Maybe I just couldn’t handle not seeing an actor’s eyes, but Manhattan looked like a cut scene in a ’97 Playstation game to me.

Robert Wisden as Nixon, shitty makeup and all, was in the movie a heck of a lot more than he needed to be.

More slow motion than I ever thought possible. The movie would have been two hours rather than 2:45 if the slow motion was left out. Contemporary action movies like Old Boy and the Bourne Trilogy prove you don’t need all that hyper-stylized bullshit if you have solid choreography and cinematography. Both lacking in Watchmen.

If you take my review seriously, please remember that my two favorite movies are Karate Kid and Heayweights. Not as thematically heavy as the Watchmen graphic novel, but cinematically pulled off flawlessly compared to this underwhelming drivel.