The stories of being talked into sex on the streets as shown at public agent is something really crazy! The beauty of doing lesbian love for the first time. It's all about lesbea this time.

I think I'm retiring this identity now. It has served me well, but I want to tell other stories.

If you have found this site and it has been helpful to you, I am happy. I am happy that my experiences with my husband's addiction have been useful.

And to anyone who might find it for the first time, please know that God is with you. In the most difficult times, I've been able to feel God's hand holding me, carrying me through.

I can offer no better advice than this from pg. 164 of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous:

Abandon yourself to God as you understand God. Admit your faults to Him and to your fellows. Clear away the wreckage of your past. Give freely of what you find and join us. We shall be with you in the Fellowship of the Spirit, and you will surely meet some of us as you trudge the Road of Happy Destiny.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

My husband spent the first night at home last night in about 10 days. Not because he wanted to or anything...it's not like he likes me or whatever. He just felt really sick and didn't have anywhere else to go.

I am his safe haven. I wish he were mine. Maybe one day, he will be.

I have found serenity in this situation. I cannot change my husband. I cannot even change his heart. His rejection of me is hard, and it makes me sad sometimes--I just don't believe it's really him rejecting me. It's him in his sickness, not him.

Every now and then, I see a tiny glimpse of my real husband. It's far away, like he's across a field, inside a house, behind a door. I can see him peeking through a tiny window. He's still there, just kind of trapped right now.

My love is patient, though. It is also kind. It forgives, protects, trusts, hopes, and always endures. I'll be waiting for him on the other side.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Please, God, help me to let go of this situation with my husband. Please help me to remember that it is out of my control and no amount of crying, stalking, cajoling, or other manipulations will change his course of action. Help me to trust that he will change when he is ready to change.

God, please grant me some release from this anxiety. My stomach is churning, and I am having trouble concentrating on the work I need to do for myself. Please fill me with the energy and motivation to take care of myself.

Please help me with wisdom and discernment in this situation. Please help me to understand, to the extent that you would have me understand, what is going on with my husband right now. Please help me to see when it is time to get out of this marriage, and help me to exit with some kindness and grace. And if it is not your will for me to leave, please help me to see my husband through your eyes, God. Help me to see that he is a very sick man, and help me to respond to his sickness from a place of love. Gird me for the battle, God, and keep me strong. Please grant me the power to carry out your will and to discern what it is in the muck and mire of this situation.

Please, God, help my husband. I am not sure what kind of help he needs, but you are. Please protect him from the darkness that is encircling him right now, and help him to wake up to his true calling. He is a wonderful man underneath all of th effects of his sickness, and please, God, help him to see himself as I see him. Help him to recognize the sweetness and strength that is in side, and help him to utilize it to get himself out of the corner he's gotten backed into.

It is my greatest desire that my marriage work. More than anything in the world, I want my husband and I to grow together along spiritual lines, to get old together and to raise a family together. I want to sit by his bedside when he is an old man, and I want many, many more years of falling asleep in his arms. If it is your will, God, that he be removed from my life, please help me to release him. Help me to have faith in your plan for me, and please help my heart to heal.

Thank you, God, for giving me people to support me while I'm hurting and place I can go to feel safe. Thank you.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

My husband didn't come home last night. He showed up this morning at 7 a.m. I get lost between when he is bamboozling me and when we are having communication problems and when I am paranoid and when he's trying to hurt me on purpose and when I'm deliberately misunderstanding him because I like to feel the special pain I get when I'm being hurt by him. It's comfortable and easy there.

This part is the hardest part yet, I think. I am afraid of other women, and I think my husband might be enjoying me being afraid. We both feel like we owe each other a lot of hurting.

I made this site private because he's been reading a lot, and he is particularly upset about my posts about marriage counseling, which I understand. I should have considered how he might feel if he read my posts about our private counseling sessions. It wasn't my intention to hurt him, but I see how it happened. I don't really know what to do next about this stuff.

I needed to write tonight, though. My husband has been scaring me with the spectre of other women. Maybe he's actually screwing around with other women. I've been crazy and he's been crazy, and all this not coming home and not calling or leaving a note is a new trick that I'm not ready to learn. I am in a lot of pain, and I don't know how to make it stop.

That's not true. I know how to make it stop. I have tools now. I have a lot of people who love me and who will take care of me when I am hurting. It's going to take time and be hard, but I will get better. There will be a way out.

When he finally came home this evening, he said that he wants us both to commit to trying to respect each other's feelings more. I am glad he's noticing that my feelings are getting trounced, and I am happy to try to respect his feelings more as well. I keep asking him to tell me specific things I can do to be more supportive, and he's not able to tell me much. I asked him for a few specific things, like showing me physical affection, holding me when I'm having a hard time, and trying to control his anger from turning into an outburst, and in spite of how bad the last few days have been, he has been trying.

I love him. He's hurting me, and I love him. I want this to stop, but I'm not ready to stop it. I don't know where I lost my will to leave, but it's completely gone right now.

I'm doing the best I can, though. I only have a little work to do tomorrow, so I'm planning to sleep in, go to yoga, eat good things, take a warm bath, and go easy on myself. I'm having a rough time, and I got some good advice from my sponsor tonight about being kind to myself. I know how to take good care of me, and I'll put it to work tomorrow.

Monday, May 4, 2009

I am feeling real insecure in my marriage right now. My husband and I had a lovely day together yesterday, but there are a lot of things that aren't right. I'm not right and he's not right, and we aren't able to communicate about it very well at all.

I feel like my heart is going to explode. I hate this feeling. I have therapy today and a meeting tonight, and I'm sitting at the prayer center I like right now. I'm trying to turn this stuff over, and I'm having a real hard time. I want to find someone to help me work through these things. Maybe I can find someone here to talk to me.

Thursday, April 30, 2009

Please help me. I am hurting. Please take this hurt away from me, and use it as a portal to come closer to you.

Please help me to see my marriage more clearly. Please help me to understand if there are more lessons for me to learn in this relationship, and give me the strength to sustain the hard times. Please strengthen my heart, God, if it is your will for me to leave my husband. I want to be with him, forever, and I will not have the strength to leave him on my own.

Please help my husband and I to see each other through your eyes and to treat each other the way you would want. Please help us to have patience with each other.

Please reveal to me my weaknesses and character defects. Help me to see where I am not submitting my life to your will for me, and increase my faith and my willingness to turn it all over, even my marriage. It is my most precious thing, and I am afraid of letting go. Please help me release it to you...all of it.

"America is now wholly given over to a damned mob of scribbling women, and I should have no chance of success while the public taste is occupied with their trash – and should be ashamed of myself if I did succeed.”