10 ways to be a fabulous grandparent

by
Melanie Haiken

Do things, don't just give things

It's tempting to buy the latest toy or game and see your grandchild's face light up, and that's fine. But experiences you share are often far more meaningful – and will create memories that last a lifetime.

"My grandchildren eagerly open birthday and Christmas cards to see what experience we'll be sharing. Two of my grandsons love trains, so we took a three-hour Amtrak trip and had some fun adventures in the little town of Sedalia, Missouri, then rode home again," says Cathy Svacina, a grandmother of 12.

Document these experiences so they stay in your grandchildren's memories. "I took pictures and notes and made up a little picture book for them, and they have relived that trip over and over," says Svacina.

Even a day of babysitting is worth commemorating, she adds. "I'll take pictures and we come up with a fun story that we make into a book. And when we read the book together, we laugh and have so much fun all over again."

Don't be a burden

Be careful of the common pitfall of overenthusiastic grandparents: Making more work for the new parents rather than less.

Amy Goyer of the AARP says she hears from many disappointed grandparents who wonder why they don't receive more invitations to visit their adult children and grandchildren, seemingly unaware of how high their expectations are and how much effort and work they're making for others.

As your grandchildren get older, think of ways to spend quality time with them that are helpful to the parents, not intrusive or requiring a lot of organization and planning on their part.

"Come up with fun experiences where all they have to do is show up," says Goyer.

Avoid playing favorites

Fawning over the dimpled baby while ignoring – or worse, snapping at – the rambunctious 3-year-old sibling is a classic grandparent faux pas.

It's near impossible not to be struck by the adorableness of whichever grandchild happens to be in the cutest stage. But every child will go through difficult and angelic times, and your job is to love them either way.

"Kids are really smart. If you only seem to like them when they're on their best behavior or in an 'easy' phase, they'll know this and be wary. It's the grandparent definition of the fair-weather friend," says Goyer.

The best way to combat favoritism is to make sure your visits include one-on-one time with each grandchild. Kids tend to be at their best when removed from sibling competition, and it's much easier to get to know a shy child if you're the only one to talk to.

To make the most of your time together, tailor your activities to your grandchild's interests. Bring a truck-crazed 4-year-old to a nearby construction site; take a princessy 6-year-old to tea.

Take the lead

It's your job to stay in touch with your grandchild or grandchildren. If you expect them to do it, you'll be disappointed and frustrated.

"It's age-appropriate for kids to be thoughtless about staying in touch. If you want the relationship, you have to be willing to do the work," says New York therapist Sharon O'Neill.

Remember birthdays, of course, but celebrate other special occasions as well. Send Valentine's and Halloween cards, or host a valentine-making or costume craft day if you live nearby. Document these and other experiences with photos and videos so your grandchild remembers them.

Follow your grandchild's milestones closely and ask to be included if possible. ("He just walked? Can I come over and see?" for example.) Acknowledge achievements, from learning to ride a tricycle to the fifth-grade science fair, and request demonstrations.

Ask if you can bring artwork home to put on the fridge. Attend sports games, plays, and dance performances. Cheer loudly, bring flowers, and take everyone out for ice cream afterward.

"As your grandchild grows up, she will remember you as the grandparent who was always there to cheer her on, and that's priceless," says O'Neill. Remember, this is your chance to do it all over with just the fun parts.

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