Monday, August 19, 2013

31 Plays in 31 Days: Death by Death

Death by Death

(Mike Death, cloaked in his black cloak with his face obscured, sits in
a break room drinking coffee and playing on his phone. Cory Death enters
dressed the same.He pours himself some
coffee and sits across from Mike.)

CoryHey
Mike, what’s up?

MikeNot
much.Busy day.How are you?

CoryGood, good.I’m just banging through my caseload, you
know?Feels good to get all the shit off
my desk.

MikeSounds nice.I’m totally stalled on the Texas high school
thing.

CoryDude, you gotta just do it
man!This is a big break for you.You gotta show the big man what you’ve got.

MikeI know.

CoryYou know he gave you that one to
test you, right?

MikeDo you think so?

CoryDude! They are totally grooming
you for bigger things!

MikeShit, really?Oh man.I wish you hadn’t told me that.

CoryWhy?

MikeI just don’t think I can handle
the pressure.

CoryYou are taking this way to
seriously, dude.Look, walk me through
the case.I’ll help you out.

MikeSeriously?

CoryAbsolutely.

MikeOk.So there’s this Texas football team.Seven of them need to go.Now, it’s up to me if I take’em all at once
or if they go one by one.Tragedy either
way, right?

CoryRight.Totally.

MikeBut the big man, he doesn’t want
a blood bath. He wants something quiet.Something that maybe will be the stuff of urban legends.

CoryDo able with one, maybe two, but
seven? In this day and age?What is he
thinking?

MikeI know right?I mean, I know he’s been doing death for a
long time, but he is so old fashioned.If I, let’s say, kill them all one by one on the same road at the same
time of night all under unusual circumstances then maybe MAYBE there will be a
rumer or something running around, but in no time flat Buzzfeed will have an
article debunking the rumors, there will be a website devoted to their
families, and on and on.It’s just not
like it was in the sixties and the seventies.I mean in the nineties I could get legitimately cool and spooky deaths
going –

CoryYou were a legend at it!

MikeRight?But now it’s all different.If the boss doesn’t catch up to the digital
age we’re all sunk.

CoryHey, you just gotta show him how
it’s done man.Take his ideas and twist
them to fit your style and the needs of the time.I know you can do it.

MikeBut if I mess this up –

CoryYou won’t. trust me man.You’ve got this.

MikeThanks Cory.You’re the best.And I bet you’ll be managing this whole death
floor in no time.

CoryHey man!I’m just trying to help you out.

(Mike Death exits.Sheila Death enters.)

SheilaHey Cory.

CoryHey Sheila.

SheilaAre you going to the big party on
Friday?

CoryTotally!I’m bringing my famous crab cakes.

SheilaThose are totally deadly!I eat too many last time.

CoryAre you bringing your boyfriend?

SheilaGod!Don’t remind me about that asshole.

CoryDid you break up?

SheilaNo.As if.He should be so lucky.No, we’re
on a break.I’m going to hit on Tony
from pet deaths to make him jealous.

CoryTony?Pet deaths? Sheila, no one could be jealous
of Tony and no one could be jealous of anyone from pet deaths.

SheilaYeah, but Tony’s so nice and
harmless.Not to mention, I heard he’s a
secret lady killer.

CoryTony? No way.Tell you what, hit on Barkley from Auto
Deaths.He’s creative, funny,
spontaneous and he’s got a sense of adventure.And he’s good looking.

SheilaBarkley? Well, ok.If you say so.Thanks Cory!See you at the party!

(Sheila exits.Danielle enters.)

DanielleHey Cory, what are you doing? Hiding
out in here?

CoryNo, just drinking my coffee.

DanielleI feel like hiding.Dirk is prowling the halls.

CoryDirk’s not so bad.

DanielleHis breath is.

CoryTrue.

DanielleHe comes up behind me and he breaths
heavily and waits for me to say hello.Then he says: “Hi Danielle.I’ve
still got a case of the Monday’s…careful…you might catch it…”

CoryYou know, if you feel like he’s
harassing you, you can do something about it.

DanielleNo, it’s not that.He’s just annoying.

CoryAre you sure?

DanielleI am.

CoryThen I think you should just
tell him.If you let Dirk irritate you
it’s just going to build up until you say something you don’t mean.

DanielleThanks Cory, you’re the best.

CoryAny time.

(Danielle exits. Cory sits back and drinks his coffee. Death enters.)

DeathCory?

CoryYeah.I’m Cory.Hey! Nice suit.Is it
custom?

DeathIt
is.

CoryI
totally got mine off the rack.

DeathIt
looks well on you.

CoryThanks.
So, I don’t think I’ve seen you around.Are you new here?

DeathNo.I’m very old.

CoryAh.That’s what it’s like working for a big
company, isn’t it? What floor do you work on?

DeathRight
now I’m working here.

CorySweet.I always wanted to be a floater, but I don’t
mind being here on diseases.

DeathHow
is work going?

CoryGreat.There was an uptick a while a go, but I’m
almost all caught up.

DeathDo
you specialize?

CorySmall
pox.

DeathYes.Yes I thought so.

CoryYou’ve
been watching me?

DeathI
have.

CoryAm
I up for a promotion?

DeathOf a
kind.

(Pause.)

CoryAh
crap.

DeathI’m
sorry Cory.

CoryBut
I’m just starting to do well.

DeathYou’ve
always done well.

CoryBut,
I’m not finished yet.

DeathYou
are.

CoryNo,
I’ve still got some folders on my desk.

DeathWe’re
going to suspend those cases and hand them off to other departments.

CoryNo,
one more.The doctor in the lab in
Russia.

DeathIf I give you one more, it’ll be one
more after that and another after that. Where will it end?