GOP Promises Record Number of Thoughts and Prayers to Combat Gun Violence

WASHINGTON — Following the aftermath of yet another tragic school shooting that has left at least 10 dead in Texas, GOP leaders announced their promise to combat the nation’s gun violence epidemic with a record breaking amount of thoughts and prayers.

“We’ve already sent hundreds out this year,” House Speaker Paul Ryan announced, admitting that the numerous thoughts and prayers sent out after the Parkland shooting in February evidently were not enough to cause change. “The fact that our country has suffered over 100 mass shootings since January 1 is clearly indicative that something else needs to be done. That is exactly why every last one of us is going to devote even more time to cranking out well-wishes and invocations on social media until this horrible problem is fixed. Senate Majority Leader [Mitch] McConnell got a head start on them yesterday before breaking for dinner.”

Ryan went on to dismiss other possible solutions to America’s rampant gun violence, citing the uncertainty of legislative action. “We believe that concrete legislation regarding gun control, mental health reform, or anything else is too unreliable and probably won’t have any effect, so we plan to increase our efforts of doing exactly the same thing we’ve done in the past. We pray that this time it is enough.”