Trying to solve problems like Maria

Seriously though, I just spent 4 days in Westhampton courtesy of my job. They rented us a house and seeing as I am but a lowly assistant, I jumped at the chance to go. Stay in a free house near a beach? Yes, please! The funny part was when one of the other assistants in my group was getting a headcount of who was coming, most higher-ups who declined did so by saying “No, thanks…I have a house in the Hamptons”. Love it! Also…Works for me! Spending time at a place someone else shelled out for keeps with my lifestyle (the lifestyle of mooching and seeing how far I can get without working especially hard). So how far did I get? Westhampton, the least-well-known and least-exciting Hampton, but a Hampton nonetheless. If I worked a smidge harder I might have had the chance to get run over by Lizzie Grubman in a trendier Hampton (sorry, my Hamptons references are few and far between, I’m scraping bottom here with la Grubman references). But it was fun. Pictures to be uploaded soon. Pictures of the free tennis court, pool and soccer field on the grounds of the free house. I also have a picture of one of those “Punished Child” dolls, you know, those faceless dolls that stand up about yay-high and are meant to face a wall or a chair and look like a crying toddler who is being taught a lesson? That was somebody’s idea of decor! I can’t think of anything better to put in a house that will get heavy foot traffic, can you? Apparently in one of the (eight!) bedrooms, there was also a clown doll, but someone had the good sense to store it in a closet. Money might buy you a house in the least-well-known Hampton but it won’t buy you the good sense not to decorate it with scary dolls.

So now that I’m well-rested (courtesy of my generous employer) I feel that I owe it to them to work hard and prove I don’t take their generosity for granted. Which I will do. Another day. But first, puns! I don’t think I’ve been pulling my pun weight these days, so I’m going to try harder. And so…a few upcoming shows from the punniest summer line-up you’ve never heard of:

Who knew being a shepherd was such hard work? Well, the producers at Animal Planet had a hunch, which is why their newest show about the daily life of Irish sheep rounder-upper Patrick O’Day, called Everything I do, I do for Ewe is tearing up the Nielsen ratings.

We all love E! and VH1 for their edgy talking-head style shows that take jabs at everything from current events to celebrity style. Sure, it’s easy for taboid journalists and comics to get a word in about this stuff, but what about architects? Join HGTV and a panel of all-stars including Frank Gehry, Richard Meier and Philippe Starck for their take on celeb culture on Snarkitecture.

Native American comedian Chief Busted Gut doesn’t want to wound your knee, he’d rather tickle your funny bone. His apirations to gain celebrity on the comedy club circuit will warm your heart and we have no reservations about this new Bravo show entitled Career Sioux Asides.

We all know and love the Supernanny and Nanny 911, but did you know that model-actress Rebecca Romijn is quite the babysitter too? But lets just say her rules are pretty lax and she can’t seem to say no! Find out what happens on ABC’s newest celeb-reality show where Rebecca’s charges run wild in Romijn Let Us!

Have you seen these ads for Israel? There’s a montage of swimming pools, beaches, historic temples, hotels, beaches, horses, beaches…and then the tag comes up “Go Israel!”… “Who knew?”

It is the best thing ever ever. Since pretty much every New Yorker, not just tourists who shop in Chinatown, owns an “I Heart NY” shirt or tote, obviously there’s plenty to say about the wonders of positive PR. But “Who Knew?” kills me every time. I’m pretty sure that the PR people are winking at us with that tag (I wonder if this commercial is being show all over the country, or just in heavily Jewish populated areas? I guess Israel already has the support it needs in Jewish-heavy areas like NYC, so maybe it IS being shown all over to make more people aware…but still, I can’t help but think that NY is the main target for this since we tend to be cultural beacons and taste-makers and whatnot. Humbly cultural and taste-makey, of course. We will make Israel the new Hamptons!)

But honestly, and I’m not racist or Anti-Semitic (just ask Becky, who made sure I was well versed in the goings on within the Jewish community in Worcester, MA by bringing me to Purim and getting me a keychain that says “Falafel! Official Snack of Israel” so I’d have cred) but on the train this morning, Roommate Jeff and I couldn’t stop coming up with other alternate taglines that might have been passed over in the brainstorm that could have been just as appealing.

Go Israel! I been going since I’m nine.
Go Israel! Better than Cats!
Go Israel! You hold the key to our lox.
Go Israel! I know a nice doctor!
Go Israel! A little shmear of heaven.
Go Israel! J.C.C. what we’re up to!