Sour Grapes

...and if the title of this doesn't fucking tell you how it's going to be, then you deserve any offense you take from the rest of this. Class, today we have learned that Garrett does not know anything about the voters of Escambia County. Back in December, after an introduction by a man named Hosea Pittman, I got hired by a candidate named J.E. Jones to run his campaign, and for the last few months we have lived our race by three rules. Rules which we thought we dictated to us by the voters of Escambia County. We thought, based on their complaints, their letters to the editor, and their previous "throw the bums out" attitude, that we should do the following:

1. Run a clean campaign. This included a cap on donations of $100, and not throwing any mud. The closest we came to actual mud throwing was pointing out that Mike Whitehead's "Texas Hold'em" poker fundraiser was patently illegal, and filing an elections complaint against him for his repetitive violations of the Florida Election Law. We stayed out of the ditches on Dorothy Davis' repeated violations of not only the sign ordinances of the Sunshine State, but also her forays against the grain of the US Code of Military Justice. We didn't bring up Robertson's awarding of painting contracts to himself, and we never once brought up Whitehead's involvement in the willful destruction of signs while he was in Louisiana. Fuckers.

2. Be different. Instead of cluttering up the landscape with everything from 18x24 signs to actual billboards, in numbers that would make major corporations swoon from the logo overload, and instead of tailoring our message to match what the audience wants to hear, let's take a different approach. Let's use our money wisely, make some amusing TV ads, and do a website. Let's drop a piece of literature a month, and see how our message, the one the candidate feels strongly about, plays with our voters. Let's be the nice guy who gives them credit for paying attention, not the strongarm prick who bullies them into repeating the party line by rote until they're "one of us, one of us..." Let's be honest and genuine, and see how that works for a change.

3. Rise above. These factors, combined with a dedication to working hard and meeting people, both out at events and in their neighborhoods, should propel us to at least a good number showing, despite the fact that our guy is a relative unknown. In point of fact, that should really work for him, not against, since he remains untainted by the patina of corruption that smears the other old guard candidates. As they are throwing mud and scrabbling for position, we will rise above, a la Feingold's first race, to take a spot at, or near, the top. At bare minimum, we'll keep Whitehead, the only actual criminal running for the office from winning, thus assuring the change that the voters seem to want.

What we apparently did not count on was the blinkered, bovine, butt-plugged ignorance that runs rampant all over the county. We lost. We came in fourth in a four way race, by running the best and most open, honest candidate we could run. We did as we were asked, got verbal and written support in droves, and had good numbers. But when it came time to select their new First District County Commissioner, the voters chose Mike Whitehead, the goon. They chose the fucking criminal goon, the return to the same old shit. Given the opportunity to stop drilling holes in their own heads, they chose to turn the bit a little faster. Once again, I have underestimated the people's propensity to do the wrong thing. What should we have done differently? We should have raised more money, bought more and bigger signs, so we could participate in the prick-waving contest, and we should have fed shovelful after shovelful of pre-made pablum horseshit to the voters in a big orange plastic drum. Do I think we made mistakes? Obviously, I do. Do I think this whole thing was lost by us? No.

And these are my sour grapes to Escambia County, Florida. I hate you people. Fuck you.

Comments

Sour Grapes

...and if the title of this doesn't fucking tell you how it's going to be, then you deserve any offense you take from the rest of this. Class, today we have learned that Garrett does not know anything about the voters of Escambia County. Back in December, after an introduction by a man named Hosea Pittman, I got hired by a candidate named J.E. Jones to run his campaign, and for the last few months we have lived our race by three rules. Rules which we thought we dictated to us by the voters of Escambia County. We thought, based on their complaints, their letters to the editor, and their previous "throw the bums out" attitude, that we should do the following:

1. Run a clean campaign. This included a cap on donations of $100, and not throwing any mud. The closest we came to actual mud throwing was pointing out that Mike Whitehead's "Texas Hold'em" poker fundraiser was patently illegal, and filing an elections complaint against him for his repetitive violations of the Florida Election Law. We stayed out of the ditches on Dorothy Davis' repeated violations of not only the sign ordinances of the Sunshine State, but also her forays against the grain of the US Code of Military Justice. We didn't bring up Robertson's awarding of painting contracts to himself, and we never once brought up Whitehead's involvement in the willful destruction of signs while he was in Louisiana. Fuckers.

2. Be different. Instead of cluttering up the landscape with everything from 18x24 signs to actual billboards, in numbers that would make major corporations swoon from the logo overload, and instead of tailoring our message to match what the audience wants to hear, let's take a different approach. Let's use our money wisely, make some amusing TV ads, and do a website. Let's drop a piece of literature a month, and see how our message, the one the candidate feels strongly about, plays with our voters. Let's be the nice guy who gives them credit for paying attention, not the strongarm prick who bullies them into repeating the party line by rote until they're "one of us, one of us..." Let's be honest and genuine, and see how that works for a change.

3. Rise above. These factors, combined with a dedication to working hard and meeting people, both out at events and in their neighborhoods, should propel us to at least a good number showing, despite the fact that our guy is a relative unknown. In point of fact, that should really work for him, not against, since he remains untainted by the patina of corruption that smears the other old guard candidates. As they are throwing mud and scrabbling for position, we will rise above, a la Feingold's first race, to take a spot at, or near, the top. At bare minimum, we'll keep Whitehead, the only actual criminal running for the office from winning, thus assuring the change that the voters seem to want.

What we apparently did not count on was the blinkered, bovine, butt-plugged ignorance that runs rampant all over the county. We lost. We came in fourth in a four way race, by running the best and most open, honest candidate we could run. We did as we were asked, got verbal and written support in droves, and had good numbers. But when it came time to select their new First District County Commissioner, the voters chose Mike Whitehead, the goon. They chose the fucking criminal goon, the return to the same old shit. Given the opportunity to stop drilling holes in their own heads, they chose to turn the bit a little faster. Once again, I have underestimated the people's propensity to do the wrong thing. What should we have done differently? We should have raised more money, bought more and bigger signs, so we could participate in the prick-waving contest, and we should have fed shovelful after shovelful of pre-made pablum horseshit to the voters in a big orange plastic drum. Do I think we made mistakes? Obviously, I do. Do I think this whole thing was lost by us? No.

And these are my sour grapes to Escambia County, Florida. I hate you people. Fuck you.