Denzil’s van parks up outside, the music stops, and Denzil exits his van and enters the pub, leaving a disabled sticker on his van.

Scene 4 – Nags Head, Bar, Afternoon

Sid is cleaning a glass, he secretly spits into one of the glasses. A younge couple just entered the pub, look on in disgrace.
Sid – What? Like I’m the only one who spits.

As the couple departs, Denzil enters.

Denzil – Alright Sid
Sid – what’ll It be Denzil?
Denzil – Well, I want a pint of larger, But In here, I’ll settle for a pint of spit juice.
Sid – cheeky….
Denzil – Any of the boys been in.
Sid – There was trig, obviously, but he’s left.
Denzil – Gone to feed the ducks has he.
Sid – Yeah, he’s taken some of the sandwiches from the kitchen.
Denzil – He’ll get done for poisoning the fish, How olds that tuna?
Sid – About a month.
Denzil – I had some of that yesterday.
Sid – Then you’re a dozy bugger.
Denzil – When’s Mike’s hearing, get some decent grub back into this place, I liked you better in the cafe.
Sid – The council have demolished the cafe, environmental health are tired of closing it down.
Denzil – With you off the food register, a lot of hospital beds will be free.
Sid – Oh, a lad was in here earlier, said he was an old mate of yours.
Denzil – A lad, are we talking Jimmy Nail lookalike or a David Tennant.
Sid – neither, he was a younger lad; you’ve not got a kid have you.
Denzil – No, Corinne was never a maternal women, she was like Pat Phoenix, a goby cow.
Sid – Maybe you’ve fathered a kid you never knew, you know, like on one of them long lost family programs.
Denzil – doubt it’s a kid, if it is, tell him I’ve gone to live in Germany.
Del and Rodney enter.
Rodney – I didn’t mean to start a fight, it’s that old lady’s fault, she kept staring at me.
Del – She had a lazy eye you dozy little twonk, give me a Dutch duchess cocktail, and half of larger for roddy here.
Denzil – Trouble in paradise Del.
Rodney – (laughs) – Huh, Paradise.
Del – Big fight broke out in the market, coppers V traders.
Denzil – Not again, what’s it over this time.
Rodney – Monkey Merton has been selling urns.
Sid – And they put him away for that, how bad are they?
Rodney – No, he was using the urns to hide drugs, honestly, drug dealing in the market; can people get any more stupid?
Denzil – Lot of people do that don’t they, Ice scream vans, pubs, strip clubs.
Sid – Do you fancy some grub Del.
Del – I’m not paying for food here, not when there’s a tenko down the road.
Denzil – Right, I’ll see you lot later, footballs on, Man United V Everton.
Del – TTFN Denzil.
Rodney – Bye.
Denzil – See you around lads.

Scene 5 – Mulberry Estate, Night

Nige, with a rucksack over his back, is walking towards Denzil’s flat.

Nige – What a chuffing toilet?

Scene 6 – Denzil’s Flat, Living room, Night.

A cheerful Denzil enters, carrying a four-pack of larger and a box of crisps. He switches the TV on and throws himself into the armchair.

Denzil – This is the life.

There’s a knock at the door.

Denzil – This isn’t the life.

Nige continues to knock on the front door window, until the bottom half of the window breaks, causing Denzil to jump out of his seat. Nige enters.

Denzil – What the bloody hell?
Nige – Alright bruv.
Denzil – Oh no, please no.
Nige – Or hello as some people say. Oh great, just in time for the football, and look, beer and crisp on tap, what a warm welcome.

Nige sits in Denzil’s chair and begins drinking the beer.

Denzil – What the hell are you doing here?
Nige – I came to see my brother.
Denzil – I thought you had another year in the young offenders.
Nige – Nah, I finished my stretch about two months ago.
Denzil – Would you like to do another?
Nige – What?
Denzil – There’s a row of cars out there you can nick, if you get a move on, you might make it back for tomorrows mid-day bang up.
Nige – I’m not going back, I’m on the straight and narrow, and where else to spend it, than with my big brother Denzil.
Denzil – I thought you were living with Johnny before you got sent down.
Nige – So did I, but I got home, found two puffs living in my room, and Johnny said, “If you want to stay on the straight and narrow, go down and stay with Denzil, he’s nice and boring, he’ll see you right”.
Denzil – look I’m very…. Boring, I’m not boring.
Nige – Oh, no, your not boring, I told him, even thought he never goes anywhere, never does anything with his life, and never seems to want female attention, doesn’t mean he’s a man in a grey bubble.
Denzil – OK, I’m a man in a grey bubble, a grey empty bubble, not even room for a worm. Keep walking, you’ll find a shop doorway to sleep in, and then tomorrow, you can get back on the train and go back to Manchester.
Nige – Liverpool.
Denzil – Whatever.
Nige – Oh right, so you’re just going to throw me out, into the cold dark night.
Denzil – Yes, are we clear on that?
Nige – Come on, please, I’ll pay rent.
Denzil – How?
Nige – I don’t know, I’m a good pickpocketer.
Denzil – Sorry Nige, but there’s no room here for you, beside, Peckham’s hardly the Costa Del Sol.
Nige – Come on, please, I can’t face another night on the street, people walk past and look down their noses at you, your freezing cold, and the only way of keeping warm is to piss yourself, my piss always comes out warm.

Nige looks sad, leaving Denzil torn.

Denzil – Alright, you can stay for one night, and tomorrow, I’ll put you on the train my bloody self.

A delighted Nige steals Denzil’s beer and lounges on the coach.

Nige – Nice one bruv, have you got any bacon in the fridge?, I’ve not eaten all day.
Denzil – (angrily) – Smoked bacon and egg do you?
Nige – Nice one.

As Nige gets comfortable, an enraged Denzil walks into the kitchen.

Scene 7 – Nags Head, Afternoon

Nige is sitting with a group of girls in the corner, Sid watches on from the bar.

Sid – Lucky fella

A cheerful Denzil enters.

Denzil – Pint please Sid, I’m celebrating finally getting rid of….

Denzil’s good mood vanishes when he looks across the room to Nige.

Denzil – Bloody hell.
Sid – Your brothers certainly one with the ladies isn’t he. Where should I send the bill?
Denzil – What?
Sid – Well he’s been ordering booze all afternoon, it’s come up to almost £30.
Denzil – £30, the bloody….
Sid – I’ll leave it with you then.

Denzil walks over to Nige.

Nige – Oh, alright bruv, you don’t mind if these lovely ladies come back to our flat after do you?

Denzil grabs Nige and pulls him away from the table.

Denzil – One, It’s not our flat, It’s MY flat, Two, I’m not letting you turn it into a brothel, and Three, why aren’t you home by now, I saw you off this morning.
Nige – Oh that, I had a change of heart.
Denzil – Well change it back.
Nige – Come on, how long has it been since you last bunked? these girls aren’t fussy.
Denzil – Listen toad, I’m not into young lasses, well, not young lasses with potential boyfriends and big fathers anyway.

Rodney and Del enter.

Nige – Del Boy, I’ve got them three boxes of mushrooms for you mate.
Del – Oh cheers, he’s like a mini me your brother Denzil.
Rodney – Two Dels.
Denzil – Imagine.
Del – Yeah, at this rate, Rodney will have to go down the job center.
Rodney – I do that every day, just clinging onto the hope of real employment.
Del – Very funny
Rodney – Eh, I hear your having a party tonight.
Denzil – (shouting) – What?
Nige – housewarming.
Denzil – My house and you’re not staying.
Nige – Thanks bruv, I knew you’d come round, c’mon. Rodney, let’s pick up some booze, I know a bloke.

Nige and Rodney exit.

Denzil – And I thought you were irritating.

Del frowns.

Sid – Think of the rent, if your little brother moves in with you, the rent will come to nothing really.
Denzil – Oh yen, and if he moves in with me, my flat will become the second home to Chief bloody Wiggum, brilliant.