DISPOSALIn the event of my dying supremely wealthy I would appreciate a modest pyramid built on the Cornish coast near Penzance. However, in the more likely event of my poverty please cremate me and spread the ashes around my spiritual home of Soho to get lost among the rest of the grime and debris.

COFFINSee Disposal: If Cornwall then a granite sarcophagus should suffice, but in the event of a cremation I would prefer my body to be burned without coffin or any attire.

RELIGIONYou all know my attitude to religion, so anyone wishing to attend my funeral please kindly leave all religious tendencies at the door or risk the spiritual consequences!

GUESTSI would wish for everyone I have ever known to be welcomed to my funeral, whether they liked me or not. I intend for this to be the social event of the year, and if the mix of people can stir old tensions or friendships on my account then all the better. Please arrange the seating in such a way as to provide the highest potential for anything to kick off, whether it be fights or long romances.

MUSIC

READINGS'Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night' by Dylan Thomas.

EPITAPHIf anyone ever lived entirely for the short term it was DB. Here's hoping his topsy-turvy life gives some form of guide to those undecided over whether to follow suit or live for ever in a settled state of tedium.