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Topic: Regretting parenthood (Read 190 times)

I'm not sure if anyone is interested in this topic, but I found this article highly interesting and very brave: this is an issue that dare not be spoken (in my experience, at least). It would be the rare homo sapien who did not have the urge to procreate, but having children in our culture (Western culture in particular, American culture for me specifically) is very, very challenging. Give a read, new friends.

I'm not sure if anyone is interested in this topic, but I found this article highly interesting and very brave: this is an issue that dare not be spoken (in my experience, at least). It would be the rare homo sapien who did not have the urge to procreate, but having children in our culture (Western culture in particular, American culture for me specifically) is very, very challenging. Give a read, new friends.

Don't worry natural selection weeds out the genes those men and women who choose not to have kids. Those that do have kids are the future of humanity, whatever that may be.

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If religions were TV channels atheism is turning the TV off.“Religion is a culture of faith; science is a culture of doubt.” ― Richard P. Feynman'It is said that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. That is true, it's called Life.' - Terry PratchettRemember, your inability to grasp science is not a valid argument against it.

National Geographic magazine, February issue, has a relevant article about children. It is the story about 9th grade kids in a school in Tame' Colombia. They range in age from 13 to 16. They have a serious program that they call Bebe?, Piensalo bien. which loosely translates to; Baby? Think it over.

Latin American countries have a disproportionate number of teen pregnancies. These kids, with their parents consent, undergo a 30 hour course that includes sex education, contraceptive use, and discussions of gender prototypes, domestic violence, and family budgeting. Part of the course requires the student to spend 48 hours with "Estiven". Estiven is a robotic baby that has to be fed every two hours or so, it cries, he needs his diapers changed and must be given loving attention or otherwise he cries. The kids with the robot, which looks every bit like a baby, do not get much sleep, they must use what little money they have to buy formula and diapers................... If they neglect the care that should be given, Estiven will shut down and the kid will fail the course. The course is extended to both boys and girls. That education is working. One of the pictures accompanying the article, shows three thirteen year olds correctly applying a condom to a plastic penis. One of the three is a pretty little girl who seems unembarassed about the process.

I have heard of other, US based, programs, aimed I think unfairly, only at girls. They have to wear a heavy bulge strapped around their bellies such that they look and feel pregnant. The girl must keep that thing strapped to her for a six week time interval. She must live with it while sleeping, while in the shower, at the dinner table, the movie theater, and everywhere else. Just like a real pregnancy. The device has sensors that reveals whether it has been removed at any time, just like ankle bracelets for parolees. That gets the message across no doubt.

The brilliance of either of these programs is often, even usually, prohibited by parents who are more influenced by religious beliefs about propriety, than by affective teaching methods.

My husband and I deliberately chose not to have kids. I feel reasonably happy in life and don't regret our decision. My closest friends chose to have kids. Theirs are currently very young, and at the moment, my friends are pretty stressed and stretched thin. But hey, they have beautiful children that won't be needy creatures forever. At the moment the kids can be demons or little heartbreakers. I so enjoy interacting with them as an auntie. Who knows which of us, me or my friends, will be happier long term. I suspect my friends will have a richer life experience for having been parents, but I still have no regrets about choosing to be child free. Parenthood wasn't right for me or my spouse. And nope, no point here. Just rambling.

Yes, this is a major taboo subject. I wonder if it's so taboo because of the harm and hurt that could result if the kids find out that their parents regret having had them. (Although that's dumb, thinking about the million other ways people screw their kids up)Also, it's hard to admit that you are wishing away something that you really do deeply love, it just screws your life up. I can honestly say that I haven't regretted my kids once, ever. Even when I wanted to strangle them. But if I ever were to have a friend confide to me that they did regret their own kids, I would understand far better as a mom, than I would have before I had kids. Because, even though it's totally cliché, it's also totally true that having kids can be super hard, and they do change your life , at least for a few years, minimum.

This was why my husband and I didn't want kids for the first 10 years we were together. I was pretty adamant. I loved my freedom, my fun, my friends, my money. If I had gotten pregnant before I was ready, I may have regretted it too.

But I do think that a person who admits their regret is very brave and brutally honest, and I would probably really respect their thoughts.

Struggled with my feelings on this. My experience is similar to Dragonia's, we were together 11 years, married 9 before having our kid. I was always more prepared for parenthood than my wife, admittedly, but I absolutely get why people choose not to have kids and would never presume to tell anyone who says that that they'll change their mind. It's a very personal decision and parenthood is tough, and you lose a lot of freedom and money in the deal. I personally find it worth it, but we also waited until we were ready and got to live our lives. I probably would understand these feelings more had we not waited.My wife also admitted one day that she sometimes second-guessed our decision to do so because of the lost freedom. I admit I was a bit put off by it because we had talked so much before going ahead, and now it sounded like she thought otherwise. But I get it. It's just tough to think logically and rationally about a comment like that when you're talking about a little living person who's so reliant on you. And she really is a fantastic mom, so it doesn't affect her love for our kid. There are just some days where you wish you could have a vacation from parenthood, for just a little bit.That being said, it's well worth it.

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"Great, replace one book about an abusive, needy asshole with another." - Will (moderator) on replacing hotel Bibles with "Fifty Shades of Grey"

The statement in the article that regretful parents were often more conscientious than they would have been resonated with me because that’s how I was on the days when I was bored out of my brain with the same stories, the same games, the ties to regular mealtimes, the nappy changes, inability to make an uninterrupted phone call, being unable to binge-read a book etc etc ...

The teenage years as their personalities emerged were so much more enjoyable, and we had a lot to talk about because I went to uni when they were 14 and 17. Our son married and it was such a pleasure seeing him and his wife together. Then, just as life was so settled and happy and I felt we were reaping the rewards of parenthood, they buggered off to Oz and I can’t deny that inside I feel cheated. Being with the grandchildren but being able to give them back at the end of the day is one of life’s greatest pleasures. You have all the good times without the tediousness but we have to do a 20,000 mile round trip to do it. Our daughter, who has never settled with anyone permanently, (met two Mr Nearly-Rights) is the light of my life. I think she doesn’t want children enough to give up her hard-working but exciting life in London and life is so entertaining when we are with her. But only the other day she said she is enquiring about a six-month sabbatical or job-swap in Oz so that she can hang out with her nieces while they are still young. Outwardly I was enthusiastic and of course we would encourage her to have he life she wants, but my heart sank like a stone. Catastrophising everything as usual, I’m thinking, “suppose she meets someone and decides to stay”?

So do I regret becoming a parent? On balance, no, because I can’t imagine life without them and as someone said in the article, “I’d cut off my leg for them if necessary” but life inside my head would be calmer now and I could enjoy myself without worrying what sort of state we are leaving this planet in both physically and politically for them all.

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ESs Rational arguments don't usually work on religious people; otherwise there would be no religious people. House MD

Well, I had two kids with my first wife and then none with my second although I know that she would have like to have had kids, by the time we met it was too late for that, not least because I had already had an operation. (LOL) I never regretted having the kids, although I did regret marrying their mother - a double edged sword, but life is complicated, no? Now I have my first grandchild, a soon to be two year old bright bundle of energy. I cannot tell you how much pleasure it gives me watching her grow up. I have more than a few regrets in my life, but in the end I am the product of my experience and I would not go back and change anything, except perhaps I should have saved more money whe I was younger...