Justice Thomas Rules That He Is Only 3/5s of a Justice

Justice Clarence Thomas threw a giant bomb today into the debate over the Voting Rights Act - by ruling he is only 3/5ths of a justice. Thomas argued that Article 1 Section 2 Paragraph 3 of the US Constitution, which designated slaves and their descendants as 3/5ths of a person for purposes of representation and taxation, stands, despite the 13th and 14th Amendments abolishing slavery and establishing equal protection.

Justice Thomas said: “We have no evidence that Abolition or Equal Protection would’ve changed the Framers’ minds about the 3/5ths clause. The Constitution does not change or “evolve”. Evolution is a myth. That’s why we outlawed it last week. Our founding document says in plain English: slaves and their descendants – and I’m proud to count myself among them – are entitled to only 3/5ths the representation of other citizens. Id est 3/5ths of a vote - whether on this Court or in the polling booth.”

SCOTUS watchers were stunned by the Justice’s opinion. Said Radcliffe Professor Emeritus of Law Chase D. Ambulancia: “I am stunned! Everyone I know is stunned! The entire community of Supreme Court observers, analysts, and bodyguards is stunned. Even Justice Thomas’ one law clerk is stunned. In 20 years on the bench this is the most words he’s EVER uttered at one time!”

Fox News legal beagle Greta Van Susteren saw the ruling as a huge problem for Democrats. “In any future elections they will now need 5 – count ‘em FIVE - African-Americans to cast every 3 votes! Do the math: that’s 1.65 African-Americans to cast one vote. Where you gonna get 1.65 of an African-American? Not gonna happen. And getting 5 African-Americans to do anything together is like trying to lasso Jello. The black vote is HISTORY!”

Critics on the left see the black hand of Justice Scalia in Justice Thomas’ ruling, claiming it’s a transparent attempt to undermine the Voting Rights Act to which Scalia is vehemently opposed.

Appearing on Hardball, Scalia was accused by Chris Matthews not just of racism but believing he’s immune to criticism because of his close relationship with Justice Thomas.

Replied Scalia: “Eh paisan, I can take of myself OK? I don’t need no help from no melanzan’. But it is true Clarence is very very close to me. In fact he lives in my ass.”

A disgusted Matthews asked if he was likening a fellow Justice to a hemorrhoid.

“Yeah”, said Scalia “but one of those good hemorrhoids you kinda squidge around on and they itch just enough to feel nice then quiet down? Listen - I concur with my learned hemorrhoid’s opinion, and I commend him for his selflessness in standing by his judicial conscience. This brilliant ruling underlines that all racial entitlements are flagrant attempts to add 2/5ths back to the 3/5ths clause in criminal disregard of the Framers' wishes. You whiners think the Court’s gonna uphold the Voting Rights Act? Fugeddaboudit! 4 3/5ths votes still CRUSHES 4!"