How does an independent woman (with borderline control issues) learn to let go and give up some of that control?

Hi you guys. Lea again. These days, with all of this in-hospital-out-of-hospital-scary chemo stuff, I have been struggling with a role I haven't played since childhood—being truly dependent. All my life, I've been an independent woman. I love order, schedules (I was the roomie in college who made the cleaning chart. I told everyone what their chores were and when they needed to be done by. I even included boyfriends on the list!) I didn't get married until I was 32, and before then, I was never the girl who would date someone just for the sake of not being alone. There were many years where I did not have a guy in my life during the Holidays and Valentines Day but I knew I was ok because I could take care of myself. Well, that is all changing and I don't think I like it too much! Billy is in charge of making sure I take my pills, of escorting me to the clinic. He's even going to be in charge of feeding the dog. I'm convinced poor Kimo is going to starve to death! (Sorry Billy; I love you!) I can't drive because of the medication, so

Hi you guys. Lea again. These days, with all of this in-hospital-out-of-hospital-scary chemo stuff, I have been struggling with a role I haven't played since childhood—being truly dependent. All my life, I've been an independent woman. I love order, schedules (I was the roomie in college who made the cleaning chart. I told everyone what their chores were and when they needed to be done by. I even included boyfriends on the list!) I didn't get married until I was 32, and before then, I was never the girl who would date someone just for the sake of not being alone. There were many years where I did not have a guy in my life during the Holidays and Valentines Day but I knew I was ok because I could take care of myself. Well, that is all changing and I don't think I like it too much!

Billy is in charge of making sure I take my pills, of escorting me to the clinic. He's even going to be in charge of feeding the dog. I'm convinced poor Kimo is going to starve to death! (Sorry Billy; I love you!) I can't drive because of the medication, so he's in charge of that, too. Billy is also the guy who has is responsible for making sure we adhere to all of the food restrictions/requirements. He has to make sure that we keep our little hotel room super clean because my immune system is obviously pits, and they've given him lots of advice about how to do that. But, HELLO, are you talking to Billy about cooking? The man who has been in a grocery store twice since we started dating? Billy, as my driver? He drives too fast! And clean? Billy does not even see the dog hair all over the rug. Besides, what about me? Those use to be my jobs and I was pretty darn good at them. They told me I would feel sick; they didn't tell me about the helpless feeling that goes along with the physical sickness. It makes me feel guilty to be so needy and dependant.

Also, I am so incredibly grateful for my perfect match donor but what if for some reason she decides not to show up the day she is scheduled to donate her bone marrow? I could die because all of the chemo has wiped out all of my cells. My life is so dependent on her. My life is a whole new schedule on when to eat, take my pills, and the hourly (yes, you read correctly) blood draws. That is not the schedule I created. I either need to let this all go or find new ways to be independent. I'm not sure which to do, or even how.

I certainly know I am lucky to have my caregivers, my donor, and my support system. I appreciate them all—I do. I also realize none of us have any true control over our lives, but the superficial things (like what time everyone should leave for the movie or what to make for dinner) makes me feel a bit of comfort. I am at a loss here, guys. Any ideas?