Thursday’s TPS Report: Abstract Line Print Blazer

Our daily TPS reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

Happy… Thursday! On days like today — where you kind of feel like you should still be on vacation — I like to wear a blazer, just to remind myself that I’m, you know, NOT on vacation. Today I like this fun white and black abstract line print blazer by Calvin Klein. If you want to play it safe, I think this blazer would look perfect with a simple black outfit — a black sheath dress, or a black top and bottom. If you want to walk on the wild side, though, I’d try adding another pattern to the mix — perhaps a floral scarf worn long and loose around the neck. The blazer is 50% off in the Calvin Klein eBay shop — was $129.50, now marked to $64. Calvin Klein Abstract Line Print Blazer Womens

Comments

I agree. It seems like one-button blazers are more in style right now, but I prefer to be locked and loaded, as they say on What Not To Wear. Three buttons is even better than two, but they really don’t exist besides in my imagination.

I have saved all important documents on a shared folder for the person taking over. Other than that, I have been informing team members from different functions so they are aware of the change. Honestly, my manager has been less than helpful and the person covering my position is in no hurry to take over the work so the transition will be rough for them both. At this point, it’s not my problem.

I also put together two lists:
1) People I want to personally tell my next steps / personal email address (assuming you don’t just send an office-wide email)
2) People I really want to keep in touch with or have helped me in the past whom I want to send hand-written thank you cards to

Here is a list of things to think about:
*Take what you might need with you, to the extent legal/allowed. Examples might include: a list of your bookmarks for frequently visited work-related websites; a list of contacts that you plan to stay in touch with (send them an update, too); titles of articles that you might need to refer back to for research, etc.
*Clean up your computer. We all know that companies can check in on your activities at anytime, so hopefully there is nothing too bad on your computer, but it still doesn’t hurt to delete personal emails, browsing history, bookmarks, personal files, etc.
*Line up references now, you’ll never know when you might need them. (Stop by the offices of future references-to-be and say “I’ve really appreciated working with you while at company XYZ. I hope we can stay in touch, and was also wondering if you would be able to serve as a reference for me in the future.”)
*Get connected on LinkedIn with people that you will want to stay in touch with after you leave.
*Thank the people that helped you out and were easy to work with so that they know what great people they are.
*If you have a good assistant, consider a card or other token of your appreciation for her work before you leave.
*Prepare for your exit interview (search websites for info on this topic). Usually you want to avoid burning bridges, so it can help to prepare for the interview so that you don’t end up blurting out something you’ll regret.
*Delegate tasks that need to be done after your departure to colleagues and follow up with written documentation to your supervisor and/or appropriate colleagues of who is responsible for what. Make sure that people know the next steps and deadlines on everything that you were working on but did not wrap up. The idea is to prevent any dropped balls on projects and to document that you have done so. Don’t assume your replacement will just handle everything unless you have left a list and given a copy to your supervisor or a colleague.
*This won’t always be appropriate or something you would feel like doing, but if you will be replaced and are leaving on good terms, a nice thing to do is to write a brief 1-page document on the must-knows for the new hire and give it to a supervisor or colleague to pass on. Think about the (appropriate to write down) stuff that you wish someone had told you on the first day (good lunch restaurants, when the weekly staff meeting is held, good trade publications to read, how to get tech problems fixed, etc.). Obviously just include basics, nothing controversial–it might help to assume your whole office will read it.

I would add that you should check with payroll/benefits to make sure they are aware of your departure and to collect any information you may need regarding benefits such as a remaining balance in your Flex Spending Account, rolling over your retirement account, collecting outstanding expense reimbursements, etc.

Understand that you are not legally obligated to fill out/respond to an exit interview. I left my first job on very good terms, and I was happy to answer any questions, but I had an awesome boss/mentor. My most recent job I left was not so awesome, and I left the exit interview form completely blank. They also wanted me to sign a statement that basically said that I would not share any company secrets (which was laughable because a- I did not know any, and b- the company is not well-run or well-regarded, so they don’t have any special knowledge their competitors don’t have) AND that I would pay their legal bill if they decided to sue me for allegedly sharing company secrets. I crossed out the statements relating to me paying their legal fees stating that I was not agreeing to that portion and signed the rest.

Quick t/j: I’m going to Denver for a wedding soon. We have one extra day to see some stuff that I would enjoy — really I want to see nature – mountains and hopefully some wild animals like elk and marmots. Any recommendations would be greatly appreciated. I was thinking the Mt Evans scenice road but we couldn’t do this until the afternoon and I hear the weather later in the day is unpredictable. I was also thinking RMNP but I don’t know much more about it than that. Thanks!

No great tips, but a friend who just visited out in CO had a lot of his plans rearranged by the wildfires. Whatever you decide to do, you may want to double check that it is still open to the public, especially if it’s outdoorsy!

The fires out here are primarily contained and were in Colorado Springs and Boulder, so if you go to anywhere near those places, definitely check. But if you want something worry free, I love, love, love Red Rocks which is in Morrison. Great view of the city, especially at sunset and lots of rocks (obviously) and trails to walk. Also, if you do decide to do that, check their website before to see if you can get lucky and catch a concert. The acoustics are awesome and the way they uplight to rocks is magical (at least to me).

As far as animals go, I’ve seen some bats at dusk when I was up there working out, but otherwise, nothing.

With regard to the weather, it’s been really hot here (as it has in the rest of the country), but if you’re not used to the elevation and the dryness, please, please, please keep a bottle of water with you at all time and drink.

Agree with the recs so far! Red Rocks is neat to see and close. Definely second the rec to see a show! Will be hot; very little shade. RMNP and even Estes Park are your best close bets for wildlife, but still hit or miss depending on the day/time of year. Google Mount Falcon Park, it’s near Red Rocks but you drive up higher. Great views of the front range and a little more shade. I take visitors there sometimes as there are easy trails without having to do a lot of incline gain in the hike itself. And iirc I’ve seen deer there, but it’s been a while since I’ve been up there.

If you don’t want to go as far as RMNP, I’ve seen wildlife in Chautauqua Park in Boulder as well. Just deer and rabbits and that sort of thing, but still neat! Great hiking trails (I’d recommend Royal Arch and the Saddle Rock Loop) and it’s very easily accessible and quick to get to from, although I agree with the advice to check and make sure the trails are open from the fires!

Oh goodness, I JUST did this last week on a four-day trip to CO for a wedding! We went to RMNP and totally loved it. It’s definitely worth the drive from Denver. My recommendation is to try and get there in the morning. The higher-altitude parts of the park (up to 14,000 feet) tend to be cloudy and stormy in the afternoon, and the views are clearer and the weather less intimidating in the morning.

Be prepared for windy windy mountain roads. Also, I’d recommend stopping at most if not all of the places to get out of your car and hike. The scenery is really to die for.

If you go to RMNP in the morning, a great way to break up the drive back to Denver is to take route 7 to Boulder and stop in for lunch or tea and a stroll around town.

The weather is usually unpredictable in the high country in the afternoons. Mt. Evans is closer than RMNP, and I’ve seen mountain goats (usually a whole herd of them) every time I’ve gone. What time would you be able to leave Denver? RMNP is about 2 hours away, and that’s the entrance. It takes about an hour to get to the top of Trail Ridge Road from the entrance. Also, the trail/stairs up to the very top is closed right now, but there are other trails to hike on the alpine tundra.

The wildfires aren’t directly affecting either attraction, but the air quality in the font range is pretty bad right now.

I also recommend RMN! I live in Denver and just hiked there this past weekend (and saw plenty of Elk on my hike, including one about 30 feet form my trail). Try the trails around Bear Lake… from there you can go up to Nymph Lake and Emerald Lake on a relatively easy (though uphill) trail, and it’s absolutely gorgeous. Plenty of scenic drives to take at RMN as well. To give you an idea of timeline, last weekend we arrived at RMN around 1 pm, and were done with our hike and back in Estes Park for dinner by 8.

Oh, and I absolutely second Maru’s recommendation to take Route 7 up to Estes Park, rather than 36.

Love this blazer, it would be perfect for a casual Friday with jeans and a ruffle tank top! I just can’t bring myself to buy a blazer when it’s 100 degrees outside… I know, I know, there’s AC, but this would have to stay in my closet until at least November :(

Prepare to nerd out. How do y’all decide which words to capitalize when doing headings in title style? As in: So And So Has Failed To Prove Such And Such. A prior co-worker of mine said he just decided to capitalize every word because he couldn’t think of a very good reason to capitalize some and not the others and because it made consistency a lot easier. I’ve adopted that style, but people still try to fix it back. But really, I don’t see any real reason that And shouldn’t be capitalized above. What do y’all think? If you saw someone do it my way, would it seem wrong to you?

there’s actual grammar rules about this I believe. this is what google found

These are the words that should not be capitalized:
~Articles (the, a, an), unless the article is the first or (less likely, of course) last word of the title
~Prepositions of four letters or fewer (unless the preposition is the first or last word of the title)
~Conjunctions of four letters or fewer (unless the conjunction is the first or last word of the title)
~The particle “to” used with an infinitive (unless the “to” is the first or last word of the title)**

These are generally the rules I’ve always followed, too. It follows the Bluebook’s rule that you capitalize everything except articles, conjunctions, and prepositions of four or fewer letters, unless they are the first word of the heading or the first word after a colon.

In title case, you technically capitalize verbs and nouns, and not articles (the / an) or prepositions or conjunctions. There’s a rule in the Chicago Manual of Style on this (though I don’t have my copy handy).

That said, capitalizing every word can also be perfectly correct – for my two cents all that matters is consistency. The only issue is if you use title case but apply it incorrectly.

I would have written it like momentsofabsurdity did. I would probably notice if a brief came across my desk with headings capitalized like b23 suggests, but whether I thought anything of it would probably depend on my opinion of the rest of the brief.

I think it’s just the rules and there doesn’t have to be a reason for it, exactly. It’s kind of like spelling. Put another way, the Bluebook doesn’t necessarily make a lot of sense intuitively, but lawyers are expected to follow its guidelines. The Bluebook may also have capitalization rules, and I would check there first (assuming that you are a lawyer, of course).

In order to be grammatically correct, the first and last words are capitalized, as are any words longer than 2 letters that are not connector words. This is debated now – some say first, last, and important (so not articles or short prepositions), the “to” of an infinitive, and coordinating conjunctions. I believe this is the generally accepted MLA format, but if you are using Chicago or APA, it is likely different in regards to the smaller words. I don’t think any say that all words should be capitalized, but I’m not positive. That would seem wrong to me and is something I’d notice, especially if I was editing it.

As per the above, except that depending on the context, I might just use sentence case or all caps. But I am also generally pretty anti-capital letters unless it’s absolutely necessary or it’s a defined term.

I agree. I don’t know if it’s a formal “style,” but I use initial caps for less than full sentences, but with no caps on prepositions, articles and the like. E.g., “The Standards for a Motion for Summary Judgment.” If the subhead is a full sentence, I only capitalize the first letter and any proper names. E.g., “The plaintiff X Company has failed to prove such-and-such.”

Yes, using all initial caps would seem wrong to me. There are rules for this sor t of thing and capitalizing everything would make me think that you either don’t know about the rules, or don’t care. So if you were working for me, I would definitely make you fix it.

Early threadjack – There’s a guy at work who’s decided to give me a bunch of nick names. He’s been doing it for a while, but it’s started to get a little weird. It’s not mean, just odd, like, “Hey there, sunshine, how you doin’ today?” The other day it was, “Where you goin’ hot rod? You’re walking a million miles an hour!” (I do walk fast, so the “hot rod” reference is for the car, not s3xu*l in my opinion). Then there was, “I love you kid, I really do, you’re just great!” (except, I’m probably older than you… so it’s just a little weird for you to say that to me). I really think he’s just trying to build camaraderie (and he does do similar nick names/banter with the guys, so it’s not just me), so I don’t want to be mean to him or report it or whatever, but it’s just a little weird in a professional environment. Is there a way to politely but firmly make it stop without hurting his feelings or making it seem like I’m not nice/fun/part of the team?

Hmmm… this is hard… I’m sure people will have really sensible suggestions, but I just wanted to say I commiserate. A client called me ‘hon’ today…

Probably just something firm like ‘yeah, so my name is actually X’ or similar. Depends on your relationship with him.

Maybe the way to figure out how to get him to stop is to figure out why it upsets you. Is it because you don’t like the nicknames he is using? Is it that it’s a bit skeevy? Do you not like nicknames in general? If you can answer those questions, then maybe it will be easier to figure out what to say.

I can’t talk. My team is nickname central and some of them are downright offensive to an impartial observer, but we are all on board with them so it works for now.

Yeah, sometimes when something is pretty outrageous, you have to call people on their sh!t. I have a colleague who is always saying *They* did this or *They* did that, when *we* did this or that, like she’s disowning the decisions. The other day at a meeting, she said that she hated it when people do that and I just laughed out loud and said “You say that all the time!”

Maybe I should take your cue on this. I have a manager who would ask me things like “Do you do X?” (insert random recreational activity) and then follow up with “(insert my ethnic group) people love doing that!” I have never called him out on this.

Okay, this one is so ridiculous I have to ask. Is it like, something that is actually typical of your ethnic group? Or is it something that isn’t typical, or is so broad that saying that one particular group likes it is absurd.

Whenever I hear someone say something like that about an ethnic group or gender, I always always always respond with a “Why would you say something like that?” Never fails to put them on the defensive, make them feel like the @$$hat they truly are and they watch their language.

Kite flying?!? Kite flying?? I’m sorry, I’m literally LOLing at this. What the H? If it’s ridiculous (and not offensive — like Ethnic Group is excellent with money, or Ethnic Group is very suspicious) then I would literally laugh at loud at such a preposterous statement. And express confusion. Confused laughing. But it is so terrible when people are this clueless and tone deaf. Jimminy.

I agree with above, he’s not giving you nicknames, he’s using diminutives to apply to you. Despite the fact that you’re older than him. So you can do what Godzilla recommends. But I also think sometimes doing it back, with just a touch of edge helps, as in

“Thanks kid, that’s great.”
“Of course sport, you know it.”

Make a list of as many diminutive phrases for little boys you can think of and for a couple days play along. And if he doesn’t get the idea (he might just think its funny) say…okay seriously, we’ve gotta stop the name game. I’m running out.

I think if you respond with something like “of course sport,” it would appear that you are fine with dimunitives. I would respond that way to make it a running joke, not if I wanted the behavior to stop.

Since he does this with everyone, it’s likely a verbal tick that he is barely paying attention to. Or a way to deal with having to briefly interact with people in the office. Saying someone is a hot rod for walking fast may be easier for him that saying hello.

I vote for woods-comma-elle’s advice. Figure out why it bothers you in the first place. If dimunitives are mildly irritatating to you in general, this may not be a big enough deal to discuss. After all, in many respects people are mildy irritating. Since he does it to many people, it’s likely not personal against you at all. But if there is some deeper issue, figure out how to address that deeper issue. (Maybe the problem is he disrespects people generally, and the dimunitives are an irritating example of that attitude, etc)

If someone calls you and everyone in the office something like “sport” and you reply with “only call me my name” it sounds as if you are sort of a tightass and not much fun/not willing to be part of the comraderie.

So what? She’s at work, she’s not trying to be part of the cool kids in junior high school. Dude is being annoying and she wants to shut that down. Part of being professional is not to be unnecessarily annoying (oh how I wish more people would understand this) and to rein in unwanted behavior.

Obviously, you are not part of a tightknit work team. There are some differences. IN my office, if you were that person, you’d be left out of team building happy hours, dinners, etc. Part of being professional is also adapting to work well with others. I’m not trying to be part of hte cool kids, I’m trying to be part of a well functioning team.

I agree with Psquared, but I feel like putting the nickname before the relationship (for lack of a better word) that makes nicknames OK is backwards.

When I first started at my current, nickname-rampant, office, I was assigned a nickname that kind of stuck with a couple of guys. I thought it was weird, because they just met me and they were basically calling me “Ana-stizzle.” I didn’t say anything, and I’m glad I didn’t, because as I felt out the office culture, I recognized that would have made me really out of sync. Now that I count most of my coworkers as friends, the stupid nickname doesn’t bother me at all.

Like a couple others have said, I don’t think these are really nicknames, they’re just cheesy diminutives. If it bothers you, and you think it undermines your professional credibility to the point that stopping it is more important than being a good sport to fit in, by all means, call him out.

I’m with you here. I think it’s just a folksy habit that this guy finds friendly. Is this part of a larger issue where this man is not taking you seriously? If not, realize that sometimes you have to let the little things go.

OP here – thanks for the advice, and the humorous quips to use. I do think responding with a nick name would just encourage him, and as mamabear said, yes, I’m sure he thinks all the gals love him at work (there aren’t very many of us though, so his sample size is pretty small!). The tiny dancer comment is even funnier when you realize that I am taller than he is :)

Godzilla’s advice is probably best, to just keep responding with surprised looks and question marks. I’ve done that before, and he’ll usually pick a new name next week, since I’ve given a negative response to this week’s name. I really think he thinks he’s being fun, and most of his co-workers probably think of him as an annoying little brother.

I think I’m mostly annoyed by it because I think of myself as a professional, generally all-business person, so joking about my demeanor is just kind of annoying. The general culture is teasing/jabbing/etc., and I’m not grumpy or serious all the time, but cutesie joking is pretty annoying to me in general. Also, I’m one of the youngest in the office, and one of a few females, so getting people to take me seriously is an uphill battle, and little cutesie nick names don’t help.

Yes, perfect your professional WTF?!?!?! face. After multiple attempts of flashing THE face, when he calls you something especially odd, be direct about it, “Coworker, why do you call me these strange names?”

I don’t know. If the culture of the office is teasing/jokey, then calling out a coworker for conforming to the dominant culture is going to show that you are not part of the dominant culture. If you go that route, make sure you are okay with potentially marking yourself as out of the club. It may seem irrelevant for getting your daily work done, and it is, but sometimes it becomes relevant when raises/promotions/bonuses/layoffs occur. At our office, one third of our bonuses are basically at the owner of the company’s whim.

For reference, nicknames for various people at my office are as follows: smelly, muffin (for a man), meat, Miami, etc. Is it professional? Probably not, but it’s the office culture.

I think the technical grammatical rule is that “little” words (conjunctions, etc.) are not supposed to be capitalized in titles. If I saw “And” capitalized in your title, I might think it looked a little funny, and it’s probably something I would fix if I were being nit-picky. In all honesty, though, I might not even notice if I were reading your work w/o trying to proof it. And if I did, I would care for all of about .2 seconds total.

So you know how a poster said she was freaked out by a dream about a coworker?

So every 2 months or so, my ex who i havent talked to in years pops up in my dream. Its never s*xy, its usually like we are reconciling as friends. we never had “closure” we had a volitile relationship for a few years and he was really emotionally manipulative. Anyway he was in my dream last night, really vivid, and it seriously throws off my mojo the next day. this morning I am all distracted, and honestly, I get really mad that he still shows up! I almost never think of him during the day, maybe once in a blue moon. (but I do when i wake up from one of these dreams)

I wrote this out and realize I dont really know what my question is. How to stop this? how to not let it affect me the next day I guess

Is your subconscious letting him guest star in your dreams because he represents a particular part of you or a way you are feeling which is active again now? As in, your client is being very demanding, which is making you struggle emotionally, so your subconscious says “Aha! Emotional manipulation! I know what that looks like! Volatile ex to guest star on tonight’s episode!” So, maybe the reason he’s making in appearance isn’t really about him at all, but because of similarities in how you felt because of him, and how you feel now because of [something else]. If so, the way to address it is to change the way you handle [something else], which will hopefully change the way you feel about it.

I’m not an expert but maybe it’s because in YOUR mind you didn’t have closure. And he was manipulative.

Perhaps try writing him a letter and at the bottom write something like: “It’s over. We’re done. (Name), you don’t live in my head anymore. I am free to live the rest of my life.” Don’t send it. Keep it for a couple of days then either file it in your personal papers or burn it or tear it up.

I have dreams about my ex-h, like maybe 1x a year. It throws off my mojo too. For one, it brings me down and for two, I feel like I was cheating on current SO even though the dream wasn’t even romantical in the slightest. Takes me half a day to shake the feeling. I find that I only remember my dreams if I wake up suddenly, so I try to avoid that.

TJ: I need some advice. It’s just not something I’ve ever had to deal with. I’ve had an interim boss for the past two years and my new boss will start in a few weeks. So far, everything’s been great in communicating with him but this summer, he hasn’t shown a lot of interest in listening to what we’re doing (huge project, lots of challenges and opportunities, etc.). At the beginning of this week, he sent me and my colleague (interim boss) a draft of a huge booklet of 101 ideas and questions that we are supposed to comment on by Monday. I have read it and I think it’s a really bad idea. It seems more about his ego and making a big splash than about listening to us and working with us. Many of his questions can only be answered by one person and a couple of the issues are in flux because of the huge project. We have been killing ourselves in the past several months and he has gathered all of his information only from our website. I went through and made comments, as he asked, but I think the whole thing is overwhelming and intimidating. I can’t be fired (tenure) but he could certainly make my life miserable if we get off on the wrong foot, but how much can I or should I say? I think my colleague isn’t going to respond at all. This is killing me. I’ve had a knot in my stomach since I got it on Monday.

Can you comment on it but also include a memo “updating” him on what you’ve been working on and letting him know what the priority project you’ve been working on is and what deadlines you’ll have for that? Kind of, “looking forward to talking more about your proposed ideas, here’s what’s in the works that is top priority so you’re up to speed when you arrive. Let me know if you have questions about our ongoing huge project.”

Piggybacking off of this….can you do sort of an in-brief/welcome to dept for him that all the staff attend? What you feel are the department’s top issues, status of huge project, and have each person responsible brief the issues that are in flux? Then propose a plan to resolve issues, etc.? It seems like you have to acknowledge his lame-o booklet…maybe you can say something like “we took your booklet and decided to expand it and look at these issues that we feel need attention. We’d like your feedback on these issues before we proceed.” Or just do the lame-o booklet and prepare an in-brief for him.

Actually he will be the head of our whole division. We have a division-wide meeting planned for about a week and a half after he arrives, based on schedules, ability to be closed down, etc., but he has decided that he wants a meeting on his first day with everyone.

Most of my comments to his ideas and questions have to do with areas that are in flux or where we have challenges or opportunities. There are a couple of big issues (like staffing and student learning) that are completely missing from his booklet, which is just weird. I just feel like the booklet is a huge mistake that will take him awhile to recover from, but I may not be able to prevent it.

I just talked to my colleague. She also thinks that sending out the booklet is a bad idea, potentially harmful to his relationships before he arrives and hurting some people. It’s been bothering her as much as it has been bothering me (and both of our SOs are starting to worry). She said she’s going to recommend to him that he hold on to the booklet and keep the questions for when he meets with the teams and with us and maybe approach things as they come up. That’s what we both think, but we’re not sure if he’ll listen. This is really hard. Thanks so much, ladies, for the moral support and the advice.

I dressed for vacation too, since the only thing on my calendar was a conference call with a client…only to find out ten minutes ago that the client changed his mind and is coming to the office. The partner I’m working with apparently knew that Tuesday, but didn’t tell me, and then gave me a visual once over while frowning.

Luckily I keep an emergency black suit jacket in my office…so I’ll be wearing a black suit jacket (instead of my turquoise open sweater), ruffled white tank top (no way around this, eep), and skinny gray pants. I’ll probably change out of my peep-toe black heels to faux-snake gray heels (yay for keeping my shoes at the office). And I left the curly hair crazy curly today, so maybe I’ll stick in a bobby pin to keep it out of my face.

Ladies, a casual friend or friendly acquantance of mine is dying. I used to work with this woman, about 6 years ago (wow, it does not seem that long). We were work friends – had a lot of the same friends in common, got along well, said hi and exchanged some gossip and she included me in emails with pictures of her kids, that sort of thing, but I wouldn’t say we were close. For example, we probably went to lunch as a group multiple times, but it would have been odd for the two of us to have gone to lunch one on one, or seen each other outside of work unless it was some group event. You know what I mean?

Anyway, she moved out of state shortly after I left that job, and I probably hardly would have ever given her a second thought if we were still in the pre-Facebook days, but we friended on FB a few years back, so we still keep in light touch through that (your pictures are nice, I agree with your opinion on X, that sort of thing). She’s in her early 40s and has preteen or early teen-aged children. She’s been posting on FB about her cancer treatments for a while, and I’ve followed along, but she’s always sounded really upbeat about everything, so I guess I figured things were OK. Just saw a post, shared by her husband (who I’ve never met), that says that now things definitively are not OK.

I feel terrible and like I should Do Something. But what? Should I send her a FB note (I assume that she’s getting plenty), and saying what? Maybe a card instead, if I can find her real address? Or a gift? I honestly have basically no experience with this sort of thing. It’s just terrible to hear this, and I feel awkward, since, of course, it’s not as if we’ve ever been close friends.

I vote for a phone call, if you think you have enough to carry on a conversation. When my mother was dying, it really meant a lot to her that so many people reached out to her. It helped validate that her life had meant something.

Please say something. I can’t think of anything worse than sharing news about your terminal illness and not having people respond. I would send her a facebook note and say:
1) I’m so sorry to hear the news.
2) I’ve so enjoyed seeing the pictures of your children and keeping in touch on Facebook.
3) You are a wonderful person/diligent colleague/terrific mom/encouraging co-worker (whatever fits) and I am lucky to have you in my life, even if only through Facebook.
4) If there’s anything I can do to be of help, please let me know.
5) I’m rooting for you and your family.

Phone call, letter, card, just something to let her know you are thinking of her, and care. Even a Facebook note would be good, if you know she still checks her Facebook page. Try to share some good memories of when the two of you worked together, if you can, something that lets her know she had an impact, even a small one, on your life. Remember when we used to …..? Or, I have such fond memories of when we worked together. Having watched my sister die of cancer, it seemed like talking about good memories really meant a lot to her.

I just went through the terminal illness of a family member. Some of you may remember me posting and asking for resources. Anyway, one of the things that floored us was that after the family member died, we received _dozens and dozens_ of cards, which we nicknamed “Love Letters” saying how much family member meant to the sender, full of happy memories, etc. We realized that the family member that passed away would have loved to have seen the cards _before_ she passed.

So, my advice is not to wait. Send a “Love Letter” now, telling how much she meant to you and that you are there for her. This can be emotionally hard, but it is so cheering to see it…please muster up the courage to send a letter (or FB note) now, before it’s too late. The fact that she’s getting them from others is no excuse not to send one. Send your thoughts. The value is immeasurable.

This x1000. My younger bro is terminally ill. Love letters as the above posters described are priceless for him right now. Tell her you are so sad that she is ill, pick one or two memories involving her and describe them, tell her how much the remembered event means to you or that it was really fun or that you are grateful for that event because (…). He is saving every little kid pal story, every junior high math class memory, every high school soccer game story, coworkers mundane recollections and “i enjoyed working with you because…” messages, old girlfriend notes, notes reminiscing about teachers and books and cars and camping and boy scouts and movies and meals, etc. Follow up with a phone call a week later if you can. Or visit if you are geographically close.

Definitely reach out…I don’t think FB would be a bad idea if that’s the only avenue you have to reach her (a card or email would be slightly more personal). One perspective a friend of mine whose father passed when she was young gave me was that it was nice to have the collection of cards/notes/thoughts people sent for her own sake. When she was older, it helped her better understand who her father was and what he meant to people. So think of your message as not just for her but for her kids as well.

From my own experience visiting a professor in college who was suddenly diagnosed with a terminal brain cancer, it still means a lot during your last however many days to know that you touched someone’s life enough for them to make an effort to tell you. Or at least that’s what my professor’s family told me as I was leaving from what was not the easiest visit to work up the courage to make.

I’ll be staying with an old friend next week when I travel for business, and I’d love to take her some sort of hospitality gift. I doubt she has a lot of space (urban setting), is international (but has lived in US long enough that the novelty has probably worn off a bit, and I’m flying (so bottle of wine is probably out–probably needs to be something small-ish I can put in my carry-on).

I am confused as to wear your friend currently lives. If she is currently outside the US but has spent considerable time in the US, can you bring some of her favorite candies or other specialty foods (I’m looking at you, Trader Joe’s).

When I bring gifts, I usually buy them at the airport after I’ve passed security. I’m big on bringing local candy. The airlines will usually let you on with another plastic bag in addition to your roller bag and tote, as long as it looks like it’s your lunch and you’re going to eat it on the plane. I’ve never had a problem with it.

Well, the airport I’m flying out of is a teeny-tiny regional airport that has one shop, which sells very little besides marginally drinkable coffee. The major local cuisine this area is known for (as I understand it) is moonshine, which does not fly well. I’ll have to be on the lookout for come nice, perhaps handmade textiles, maybe. I like that idea.

The liquor stores here have recently started selling moonshine. Seriously. And no, it isn’t in a plastic milk jug without a label. It comes in different flavors and is actually not bad tasting. But I’m guessing you mean the kind made in a backyard still, not a factory :)

The kind I mean comes in mason jars, and may be labeled “pickled okra.” :-) I write it off as a possibility not because it isn’t the perfect hostess gift (it is!), but because I’m afraid the TSA agents would be jealous. I’ll have to wait for her to visit me to share that particular aspect of American culture…

Mostly lurk, but this was so funny I had to share that my grandfather apparently made the best moonshine in the county during prohibition. The sheriff and judge bought it from him. He continued to make it until a few years before he died because it was apparently so much better than anything else (I was 13 when he died so never actually tasted it).

Vent: Gah! Stuck at jury duty since 7:30 and they haven’t called a single panel yet. I think the judges and attorneys are still on vacation. It’s going to be a really long day if they don’t start calling panels and some of these people out of this room! The troops are getting restless…

Heh. It’s got to be miserable, but I would almost welcome such a day of nothing right now, if I could have my bar review flashcards with me… Also, I’m a teensy bit jealous you got jury duty. I’ve never been drawn, and probably couldn’t get on a jury anyway with my background, but I’ve always though it’d be interesting to serve.

Hey, it’s me again, with another question. This one is a request for some vicarious shopping. I’m jonesing after a coral sheath dress that I could wear to work. I saw one at BCBG a while back, on sale, and am kicking myself for not buying it. It was coral lace with a dark tan underneath the lace; it was just plainly and simply gorgeous. I’ve looked around to see if I could find the same one on eBay or BCBG’s website, but no luck.

All that to say, has anyone seen anything similar? Or it could be a more simple coral sheath, but I would really like one with some sort of a twist.

Size and price range. I did a quick search and it appears a lot of a best options are out of stock which makes me worry that coral is out of season and not coming back (oh no!) but you know me, I’ll keep looking.

Without those price ranges, this one isn’t simple (and its a little more orangy coral) but something about it draws me in. Would look great with a white blazer or sweater over it or a contrasting color.

Okay, so it’s finally warm enough to ditch nylons/opaque stockings where I live, yay! It’s been borderline warm enough for a couple of weeks, but I’m finally off stockings on a regular basis now.

Regardless, I’ve noticed that when I tuck in my camisole plus my blouse (or even just my blouse for non-camisole ones), I end up with bunching around my waist. Before this problem was solved by tucking my blouse and cami into my stockings/nylons, but what can I do about this problem now?

That’s a logical thought, I have tried that, but hanky pankys do not seem to have enough structure to help with that. And they’re my preferred form of undergarments, due to the no VPL, and I find them super comfy.

Could you try pinning it (depending on the material) or maybe some clothing tape (whatever it is called)? Also, you can do the Catholic School thing and use a (hair or other) elastic to tighten the blouse around you. That would lead to one or two bumps, but you can place these strategically (especially with a blazer or such).

Midlaw, I never tried Seattle Sutton’s, but I recently discovered the My Fitness Pal app on iPhone and I love it. It really opened my eyes on eating habits and has prompted me to eat better. You do have to enter everything in that you eat, but their database is huge and it will usually plug the calories, fat, sugar and vitamins in for you. Its free so it might be worth a try. I’m only saying this because I downloaded the app after realizing that I was not eating right and I had no idea where to begin on fixing it–the app is working out really well for me. You can use their website if you don’t have a smartphone.

I wrote about a month ago regarding my mother, who is older, professionally awesome, and after commuting for 9 years with small children to get her bachelor’s degree, couldn’t find a job and had applied to hundreds of places….

She is putting her notice at miserable job of minimum wage TODAY and starting in two weeks in what is basically her dream job, as director of a (well-funded and stable) therapeutic riding organization, at the salary she asked for.

Thanks for all of your good wishes and thoughts…maybe it was the ‘r e t t e s who gave her the karma she needed!

WEdding related TJ so skip if you hate this stuff-
So I’m “planning” my wedding…haha, funny because I honestly just want to have a civil ceremony with mine and fiance’s immediate family. I’m going to be doing this in NY – so for anyone else whose had a NY civil ceremony, how much of a lead time do i need? I don’t even know who can marry me – does it have to be a judge, or can it be at the police station or something? I’d like to do it next month, as we’ve basically been “married” forever so it’s really just a formality…is this a complicated process or not a big deal. any thoughts are greatly appreciated!

The last two are technically religious weddings, but need not actually have any religious content or occur in a religious space–you can find lots of celebrants online who offer nonreligious ceremonies. You cannot use Internet ordination outside New York City and using in NYC requires some paperwork–allow a week or two lead time in addition to getting your license, which has a waiting period (24 or 48 hours).

I am not sure of the details of a courthouse wedding (how far in advance you have to book), but I think Manhattan’s marriage office has a nice website about the process and they’ve done really nice work overhauling that space. Not sure of the residency requirement to marry in NYC if you’re not from here–you may need to get here a few days in advance, but if you’re an NYC resident, you can get your license and perform your ceremony in any borough.

If you want to have the ceremony at city hall (which is what we’re doing in August), you just go down there. You need to get a marriage license ($35) at least 24 hours before the ceremony which is good for 60 days. You can have the ceremony at city hall for $25.

This site should answer most of your questions- the NY City Clerk’s Office, marriage bureau. At a brief glance: 1) get a license- you’ll have to bring ID and go to the City Clerk’s office; 2) Wait 24 hours; 3) have the ceremony done either at City Hall during business hours (no reservations available) or by a registered officiant of your choosing; 4) Mazal Tov!

I bought three dresses recently and need help coming up with necklaces to wear with them.

One is a color-blocked silk shift dress, with ivory, blue and aqua green, with elbow length sleeves. The dress is fairly simple and the neckline is fairly high so I was thinking about maybe a nice bib necklace to dress it up?

I also bought two dresses to wear to a wedding reception. One is a simple black dress with ruching, short sleeves, a fairly high neckline, but shorter. The other is sleeveless green with a cowl-neck that is drapey until the waist and then tighter at the bottom.

Any suggestions? Thanks ladies! I’m generally pretty good about picking out clothes but suck at accessorizing them.

My colleague’s son died, and today is the memorial service. My husband and I plan to attend. It’s being held at a church. Where I’m from (New Jersey), as always brought food for the grieving family so that they had one less thing to worry about. I’m wondering if that’s just a Jewish custom, or if it’s also appropriate for Christian/Protestant services?

I am not suggesting that I would bring food to the church. Rather, I am suggesting I would bring something that I made with me, and drop it off at their house after the memorial service. Anyway, I would appreciate any advice on the etiquette issues here because, clearly, I am not conversant in Christian funeral practices!

So, are they having some sort of reception at someone’s house after the mass? Usually that could be the time to bring food, at least for a Catholic family. Otherwise, we usually bring food around at other times, but not right at the mass, due to the whole “hey we’re at the church/funeral home…what are we going to do with all this food” thing.

I am unclear on the post-service activities. It is a private memorial service for close friends and family. Perhaps you’re correct and we should simply wait a week and deliver a lasagna to them over the weekend. At stressful times, the “parent” (in quotes because I have no children) apparently comes out and I want to feed everyone.

Waiting a week is actually always a good idea. You get inundated with food in the time immediately after a death. But its in the weeks after that life remains difficult and people disappear that are the hardest. A visit with a lasagna and a little small talk and maybe even a bottle of wine in a week or two might be even more appreciated (though I know its hard to delay.)

Maybe it’s regional (Mid-Atlantic) or because I grew up Lutheran (which is Catholic-lite) but post-funeral food was always a thing we did for neighbors, friends, etc. when there was a death. I do think waiting a few days is a nice idea because you get inundated right away but it’s not like you’re done grieving and up for making lunch or cooking dinner a week later.

My experience (Protestant – Southeast) is tons of food brought over, usually in the time between the death and the funeral service, so some of it is used when family and out of town attendees come to the house after the service. Seriously tons of food. When my grandmother died, each of the out of town grandchildren (and there are a lot of us) who’d driven to town for the funeral took home a full cooler.

All that said, whatever the tradition, I don’t think you can ever go wrong bringing food. And I think it would be great to have a new/fresh dish after several days of reception leftovers — so I think bringing a lasagna and a salad about a week later would be incredibly thoughtful.

My family is not religious (my parents were both raised Catholic but we were not) but we very much appreciated the food from everyone who stopped by our house when my father passed away. Chicken soup was an excellent choice, and a cookie tray too, since comfort food was the best. Anything that could be frozen too, like a lasagna, would also be great.

If you get feedback from other people not to do food, the flowers we received were lovely and very much appreciated. I’m not a fan of baskets, but small bouquets of flowers or living plants are good. It’s nice to know that people are thinking of you.

In our church, there’s usually a food sign-up via email or phone tree. Is the family part of the church choir, a Sunday School class, or a home group? Usually the leader of any of those groups will have the schedule for delivering food, dietary restrictions, etc. etc. If there’s a gathering at the home afterwards, you can bring food to that. Food is definitely expected, appreciated, and appropriate, at least in the Baptist and non-denominational Protestant funerals I’ve attended.

I was raised nominally Jewish, but am atheist so religious funerals, and especially Christian funerals, are an anathema to me. I think I’m going to follow TCFKAG’s advice and drop off a lasagna, cookies, and a bottle of wine with them next weekend. That’ll give me time to cook on Friday night or Saturday morning. They live about an hour away from us, so it’s kind of a trek up there anyway.

Are you sure that’s the word you are looking for? If the ceremony is truly anathema to you, I think going is disrespectful. If you just mean really unfamiliar, then I think going and bringing food would be lovely- maybe a loaf of fancy bread if you want something with no transport issues.

It comes from a Greek term that means to set aside, or to put up/away/out of. (anatithemi, in extremely rough transliteration). So it’s a term that has been used, historically, to exclude persons and doctrines from mainstream Christian practice. Particularly strongly practiced from ~ the 300s to about the 11oos.

Not to speak for all Christians, but in my neck of the woods, we generally try to space out the food deliveries so that 100 items are not received in the first week. There is often a “meal train” (websites for this exist), where everyone signs up to bring a meal-one or two meals a week, often for many weeks. Since there is not a shiva where everyone shows up at once, the idea is that the family does not have to cook, but they also don’t have to throw out food they can’t possibly have room to store. Condolences to your colleague.

Many times, the church family arranges a meal for the mourning family right after the service. So, I second the thought of delaying a week or so. Sometimes a group at the church will continue to deliver meals for a while, so I’d check to make sure you’re not going to drop off a meal the same day as someone else.

I have a black Lodis briefbag that I love Love LOVE and used it every workday for ~4 years. I was afraid it would start so show some wear so now I just use it when I go to important meetings and/or one-day business trips, but it is still gorgeous.

A few more weeks to go at my job. Coworker is driving me nuts. There are a host of reasons, but lately the one that makes me want to scream is the audible (hell, loud) sighing ALL. DAY. LONG. Like her life is just. so. hard. (I know it is not b/c she is a massive over-sharerd. Trust me, if something were up, I’d know.) I feel like such a terrible person but this is just the last straw. Please, hive, give me a mantra or SOMETHING to help me survive the next few weeks.

Yeah, she’s probably just huffy that you get to leave and she doesn’t. Or you can tell yourself that her life is unbearable right now because she has to face the prospect of working without you now.

I get this reading facebook posts–scanning newsfeed and thinking, “Oh geeze, cry me a river, you entitled person, you.” How awful is that? I’m not even forced to look at this stuff! I wonder why that annoys us so.

Just to offer another perspective, I am a big sigher and always have been, particularly when I am tired or stressed out. It’s not something I do consciously and I don’t know that I could really control it. Just something odd about my breathing patterns, I guess. Maybe your coworker has similar issues.

This has been a busy wedding season for me this year and the heat mixed with another outdoor one (ceremony and reception!) this weekend has me freaking out. A lot of the dresses I’ve purchased are lined and so way too heavy to work for this one or they’re in a color or fabric that is likely to show sweat. Also needed something that would go with one of the two hats I own–straw and coral. Anyway, just wanted to share a fabulous find I came across yesterday. It didn’t look like anything special on the hanger but wow was it super flattering when I tried it on (I’m pretty curvy but think it would work well for a lot of different shapes). The picture really doesn’t do it justice–there is sort of a coral splotch in there and it reads more “soft pattern” than out and out floral. Anyway, just wanted to pass along to any other ‘rettes who may be facing some hot festivities in the next couple of weeks.

TJ: Has anyone had success contacting a bank about a foreclosed-on property in order to have them take care of issues related to the property? I have a townhouse/row home (no association) and the properties on either side of me are bank-owned and vacant. There are some maintenance issues that are effecting my place. A city official is supposed to follow up with the bank, but the issues are pretty pressing and I’d like to make a call, too. But I have no idea whom to call or how to best get the banks moving! Thanks in advance.

Just a guess, but if they aren’t responsive to the city, they probably won’t be responsive to you. Might want to think about taking a legal route if their inaction is damaging your place. If it’s just unsightly, probably not much standing to do anything.

Second. Unforch, squeaky wheel often gets the grease. Banks are just not good at property management, so getting them to respond may be hard. But having worked for legal in a couple municipalities, you get tired of hearing the same message on your voicemail after a while and start kicking up some dust.

There might also be a housing/building inspection subdivision of the department of housing and you may be able to get them to come out by scheduling an appointment, do an inspection and report the violations to the bank.

Does the bank have clear title to the property yet? If so, then I would recommend contacting both the bank and your city’s code enforcement agency. Be warned though, property maintenance codes are minimum code standards, aimed at making sure the property is not structurally deficient so be realistic about outcomes on that front (in other words – their goal is to make sure that the walls don’t fall down not to prevent the paint from chipping.)

If the bank has evicted the current owner but has not actually assumed title, then it gets harder for everyone. I would then check to see if the real estate taxes are being paid. If they are not, then I would contact your tax collector’s office and speak with them about foreclosing on the property for municipal liens.

As a banker who had a property like this in my portfolio, I’ll tell you what worked:

The local community organization had a blog and the blog posted pictures of the property, a list of complaints and mentioned the name of the local Bank president. Many people have google alerts set up so that when the name of their company or their individual name shows up, an immediate google alert is sent. Our market leader saw the blog post and all the negative comments and we cleaned up the site pretty quick. In our defense, the property was like that prior to foreclosure and we had no control. The blog post went up about a week after we obtained title, so we hadn’t had much time.

So use a blog, if there is one. Otherwise, Facebook posts on your page or on the Bank’s page. Calling lcoal media might work too, if you can get them to bite.

Does anyone have any advice for having one’s car insurance cancelled for moving out of state and not notifying the insurance company? I’m not sure how they found out – maybe from EZPass? I was away for work but will be returning to the state where the car is registered and insured. I’m afraid I won’t be able to get a policy with a new car insurance company, either.

I also got in a minor car accident that was reported to the company while in the other state. I did not file a claim but the other person did, and my insurance company had to pay for that person’s car repairs.

I’m pretty sure you’re supposed to register (and insure) your vehicle in the state where you actually reside. Why haven’t you changed the registration on your car? I’m pretty sure it’s illegal, which is probably why your insurance dropped you. Now you are driving your car without insurance that is illegally registered in another state. I think your best bet is to register your car in the state where you live and get insurance in that state. I assume you kept it registered/insured in the old state because it’s cheaper?

They aren’t too “fancy”, but I use “Lucy Tailor” on East Carmel Drive just off of Rangeline near downtown Carmel. They were able to fix a few items of mine within a matter of days during the week between Christmas and New Year’s Eve and the prices were really reasonable. I think the owner also does custom-made wedding dresses, so she knows her stuff.

Premier Cleaners just down Rangeline on Medical Drive has been quick and reliable for the basic dry cleaning I have.

Thanks. I wasnt looking for anything fancy but local is good. Its nice that there tend to be more local businesses in the area than other parts of the city but it can be difficult to know who to use or guarantee that it’s the same people everytime as the business will be sold but the name never changes. It seems like the dry cleaners/alterations by the library changes hands quite a bit.