Tag Archive: honesty

Thank you to everyone who read a post, tweet, or story. It ment the world to me. You allowed me to be the person I wish I was; strong, opinoiated, brave, outspoken, and whole. You gave me a community when I felt so very isolated and a soapbox to reach out across the globe. I have made friends and connections that I would never have dreamed possible, but mostly being this version of myself helped me live with who I really am. I am a coward. I am weak, broken, and easily manipulated. I cannot lie to you or myself anymore so I am bowing out. It comes with tears, I am sure there will be a void where Jess aka b00kreader existed within me, but I cannot be this person so I have to let her go. Please do not feel I have lied about everything because I haven’t my name is Jessica, I went to grad school in South Carolina, and I am a postdoc at DFCI, but I am tired and beat down not scrappy and hungry. The part of me that is so ashamed of not being the person I presented to you is still happy I tried even if it was only a virtual try. Thank you for letting me pretend with you it was amazing while it lasted!

Lauren had spent her entire life smiling and nodding consciously attempting to avoid ripples or hurt feelings. However, the last six months had left her with the impression that people viewed her not as nice but… weak. Each ya sure left a sour taste in her mouth, every grin was made of plaster, and her figurative camel’s back was a single straw from breaking when it crossed her mind. Rumors of my niceness have been greatly exaggerated she thought as the fake happy slipped off her lips and faded from her eyes. Suddenly Lauren couldn’t wait for the next person to mistake her for nice, or weak, or… good.

We are nothing so much as a collection. A collage of thoughts or feelings that, for better or worse, define us.

My collection is a series of sour notes strung together in a way that fools the ear into believing it has heard a song. I am the discordant melody that plays in the dark to alert you of the danger not so far ahead. Beware, I cry as I introduce myself. Run, I caution as our conversation begins in earnest. To know me is to smile at the devil.

I am a broken thing. It is this which best describes me, not my height, hair and eye color, or zodiac sign, but the pieces of myself which litter the crooked path I have tread. I lost my ears to the lies they told me, my hands to those takers who never gave back, my heart to lost love, and my back to the ones I supported. Still the torn soles of my feet venture forward, tentatively seeking safe purchase. Even now the fire in my belly lights my eyes constant in its hunger for answers, and in my mind I hear that nameless tune, which I mutter on endless repeat, that is my life’s story.

When I think of myself I see the splintered shards of a dropped vase. The shattered pattern which is, in its self, whole just different from the glass ornament it once was. Do not react to my brokenness. Make no attempt to fit the fragments back together. For, each loss changes me and each scar redefines me. So let the key change in this song of mine, the melody remains the same, but flee before the entropy I so ardently embrace.

Because I know, not what will emerge from the next moment of destruction, only that Pain walks with me and he is jealous of my attention.

Quote from Janet Fitch's book White Oleander

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I wrote this after watching White Oleander, the movie, based on Janet Fitch’s book of the same name. I bleed for the Astrid character in salty tears. I love this story. I envy the strength in the characters and their ability to know who they are. I hate this story. I despise that we as a people can hurt children in such spiteful and uncaring ways. I am inspired by this story.

Sometimes I lie. Little white lies which can never actually hurt anyone, I tell myself. This however begs another question. Why lie? If the non truth is so insubstantial that it will A) go unnoticed and B) make no difference then…why not the truth? Honestly, it is because I can, and the slight power buzz over shadows any fear of getting caught.