24 December 2013

Raw and Exposed

Being me is hard. I am not merely one person with one simple set of rules, opinions, visions, or way of being. I am complex, I contain multitudes of feeling and I find myself staring inside at the deepest parts of me sometimes, wishing I could pull them out and deconstruct them and turn them into something simple. I do understand, however, that this is what makes me who I am. It just sucks sometimes.

I feel things so deeply. I feel with such incredible intensity at times that it's almost unbearable. My soul contains energy that just doesn't seem possible, or of this world. And it's always there. I can't contain it yet letting it out hurts almost as much as trying to dissolve it, because it continues to regenerate.

I wish my soul had an off button, or at least a pause button. Even having a minute or two of space for me to breathe and not feel it so deeply would be a welcome break.

But yes, again, I do realize that this is who I am and what makes me tick and what creates the good and positively wonderful parts of my being. This is why other people walk with me, because my light shines so brightly. I do realize this. I know it. I see it. And fuck, how deeply I feel it.

And it's really hard.

It's hard to have such an unfathomable amount of love inside my heart and hold it out with complete understanding, respect, gentleness and just give it away because I know that it is the right thing to do. It is absolutely the right thing to be kind, compassionate, empathetic and completely supportive of a soul and ask nothing in return because you truly want to see that soul shine.

Because you know their soul deserves it. Because you want to see it shine just as brightly as yours. Because seeing someone you love see their own soul the way that you see it is a reward in itself. Because knowing that your own light can bring much needed healing to them. And you do it with no expectations because it's the right thing to do. Because you feel in your heart that perhaps those pieces of yourself do not belong to you, but were placed in your care in order to be freely given so that another can grow.

It's the absolutely right thing to do but it still hurts. I am raw and exposed and it's not something I can help. It is as it should be, for if it weren't meant to be it wouldn't exist. Cutting off my arm would be easier than shutting it all off and trying to contain it. I have no option but to be open and vulnerable and allowing myself to just give it all away.

And I continue to give it because it's the right thing to do. Because I have no other option. That is what love is. It does not discriminate and it doesn't allow you to mold it according to what your ego wishes it to be. It just is.