5. Chaz Bono: "I'm glad I touched Carrie Ann. That sounds really wrong. But you all want to know where I touched her, don't you?"No! Okay, maybe Bruno is curious.

4. Len [on Carson’s Viennese Waltz]: "It was like childbirth — terrible while it’s happening and a joy when it’s over."Wait, isn’t Chaz the transgender contestant … Len, are you telling us something?

3. Carson: "Pirates are basically guys running around in tight pants, open shirts, looking for jewelry. Um, I think I can handle that."Pirate Eye for the Straight Guy!

2. Tom [after the DWTS pro troupe’s opening number]: "You can never go wrong with lightsabers and spray tanning."Point to ponder: What would Luke and Han look like in sequins and spray tans — and who would be the better dancer?