Today's query comes from the comment section of Annie's Mailbox (12-19-13.) In response to a letter about holiday meal traditions, a commenter, Johanna, stated that for years, her brother and SIL have INSISTED on hosting Christmas dinner. They forbid anyone from bringing anything and get insulted/defensive when the other relatives offer to bring something. They claim it's their gift to the family.

The problem? They serve ham. And only ham. No side dishes, no salads, no desserts, no drinks besides water. Just ham, on paper plates with plastic utensils. And while the family sits around gnawing on their slices of ham, the brother and SIL sit there and compliment each other on the wonderful meal.

This is has gone on for years. Johanna noted that these people are well off and have gone to restaurants, so they are aware that most meals involve sides and drinks besides water.

So I ask you ehellions, how would you handle this? I know we've said over and over that it's wrong to criticize someone's hospitality, but this just seems weird. Personally, I think I would just start bringing side dishes without asking permission. SIL's ham-stranglehold on the family dinner only continues because the family allows it.

I think I'd stop going and do my own thing at home, honestly. And perhaps if enough family members refused to join in the ham-only festivities, they'd get the point faster than they would if people argued.

Logged

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars. You have a right to be here. Be cheerful, strive to be happy. -Desiderata

If it were my brother and I was close to him, I would tell him straight out: "Dude, ham only does not a meal make. You need a salad, a potato dish and other drinks, not just water, at the very least. Do you want me to bring some of those, make them yourselves or find someone else to host?" Then again, we are pretty straight forward in my family. Some other family members might just show up with a large salad or side dish the following year.

I can't come up with any reasonable explanation as to why they think this is a good idea. Nor can I come up with any reasonable explanations as to why people have tolerated it for this long. If this was my sibling I'd have told them years ago that this just wasn't on and refused to attend if it had continued.

Most people in our family would have walked out the first dinner, gone to get sides from any store/restaurant/whatever that is open, and spent the remainder of the dinnertime sympathising about the host's finances, since apparently they can no longer afford food.

If you don't want to go to all that trouble, simply going home for dinner or not ever accepting another invitation would be acceptable. I too have to wonder why this has gone on for years now.

Logged

You are only young once. After that you have to think up some other excuse.

I don't understand why everyone keeps going to this. These people can INSIST on hosting as much as they like, but if everyone declines, or someone decides they'd like to host and gives the rest of the family the option, then...tough noogies. It will leave more ham for the brother and SIL, since they like it so much.

That said, in that situation I would stop attending. I think showing up with sides & desserts when you've specifically been told not to is rude (so is demanding everyone come to your home for a meal, and then failing to provide a meal, but retaliatory rudeness isn't appropriate!)

I thin that I would consider sending a message round to the family early on, before invitations/summons have been sent, saying that you plan to spend christmas at your own home but would be delighted to host hose family members who would like to join you.

And if no one takes you up on it, well - maybe they're happy with ham and water.