Love and Relationships

What is Love?

Romantic Love. The relationship and the partner is seen through "rose colored glasses." One's partner can do no wrong. This type of love is often seen at the beginning of a relationship.

Nurturing Love. Each person encourages and nourishes the other. Each has nurturing friendships outside the relationship. If one partner ends the relationship, the other will experience grief but not self-destructive devastation.

Addictive Love. The person is totally dependent on another for love, happiness, and security. If the relationship ends, the person is devastated.

Ingredients for a Healthy Relationship

Shared Power. In general, each person has an equal say in the relationship; although at times, one person may have greater say because of expertise in an area.

Commitment. Each person makes a commitment to care about the other person, the relationship, and themselves.

Enjoy Coupleness. The individuals view themselves as part of a couple which brings each more happiness and allows each to be stronger.

Trust. Confidence in your partner and in yourself. Each person is reliable and honest.

Positive Fighting. Each recognizes that at times they will disagree and have developed skills to positively negotiate these disagreements.

Acceptance of Differences. Each person is valued for who they are and what they bring to the relationship. Differences in thoughts, feelings, values, looks, etc., are accepted and respected.

"We"ness. While there are differences, there are also shared goals, values, interests, etc. that promote a sense of coupleness.

Sharing Time. The individuals spend time together sharing thoughts, feelings, and emotions. This includes sharing sadness as well as happiness. Also, time is spent doing activities together (both work and play).

Personal Time. While they relish their time together, the couple does not aim to be close all the time. Each person in the relationship has some independence and privacy.

Curiosity. Each person takes an interest in the other's job and activities. They care about the quality of each other's life.

Embraces Change. Each believes that personal change helps make the relationship interesting and supports the personal growth of their partner.

Something Special. Each person remembers that his/her connection to his/her partner is independent of their relationships with parents, children, and friends and does not allow perspectives from others to govern their attachment to his/her partner.

Maturity. Each person realizes that all relationships go through periods of distance, irritation, or trouble and see these periods as opportunities for the relationship to grow.

Unhealthy Relationships

Not all relationships are healthy. One fourth to one half of all dating relationships involve violence. Dating violence can have many forms. It may start out with mild forms and escalate as the relationship develops.