Gregs-list.org. Jobs: TV-video/find talent. Trained polar bear for commercial. Search. Advertising Executive of the Year. 2006. Gregs-list.org. Results: EXPERIENCED, trained polar bear available for freelance work. 20 years of commercial, film and television experience. Advertising Executive of the Year. 2006. Multiple awards, including an Oscar, a Clio, and a Blue Ribbon at the Los Angeles County Fair. Advertising Executive of the Year. 2006. Recent clients include Tyler Perry, Burger Queen, Taco Alarm and Animal Planet. Advertising Executive of the Year. 2006. My day rate is six endangered seals and two fishermen all doused in oyster sauce. Please send details about your project and note whether your skull is sweet or tangy. Advertising Executive of the Year. 2006.

If you had roaches and didn’t want anyone to know … … So you smuggled a flock of birds into your apartment to eat them … … And then you got a cat to get rid of all the fat birds … … And then got a dog to get rid of the cat … Would you tell anyone? Hypothetically speaking.

The suit-animals tossed me $85 in coins today, Rosencrantz. They gave you $84.50. So? Do you assume that makes you better? Do you not have even a flicker of doubt about that whole system of self-worth measurement? Suppose it had come down against you, with me getting 50 cents more? It could've easily happened ... ... And by your system, that'd make you inferior. Shouldn't you be shining my shoes?

What do you mean, what tsunami? The one in Japan! Don't you ever watch the news? No I don't watch the news. The news gonna tell me: politicians corrupt? Nature kill people? People kill people? Celebrities act like fools? Only the names and places change, but the story always the same: we fragile animals here for just a minute before we gone; and while we here, we sometimes wreak havoc, but sometimes we help each other. Only you can make ignorance sound wise. Thanks, dawg. But lots of people can do that.

The Galapagos woodpecker uses sticks to help it obtain food. Would you call that "unnatural"? Of course not! The woodpecker is an animal. It's "natural," so anything it does is also natural. Man is also an animal. Mankind is "natural" too. So everything we do, from using sticks, to creating so-called "artificial" sugar, is also natural. You are so not giving up diet cola. Would you ask a woodpecker to give up his stick?

Lemont travels back in time to fix his life. U.C. Berkeley Dormitories Freeborn Hall. Sasha Mitchell will be here in a few minutes, carrying a teddy bear. She'll say his name is "Lemont, Jr." For some reason, that won't scare you. That's because you and she are meant to be. 16 years ago, I took her up to my room and totally screwed it all up. But you can fix it. Do it right and you'll save us from a lonely life of misery. ... No pressure. Screw up, and the rest of your life will be worthless.

The problem with you Republicans and you Democrats is you're all corrupt elitists! We should vote EVERYONE out in office and put REAL PEOPLE in charge! Just like the animals did in that book "Animal Farm." Um … did you FINISH reading that book? Not really. Why?

How in the heck did you domesticate these killer wolves? I spent a semester abroad in the '80s. I climbed Mount Kilimanjaro where a guru taught me the ancient art of wolf hypnotism. That's AMAZING. Not really. When you think about it, everytime the man domesticates an animal, there's hypnotism involved. No, I meant I thought you were much older than that. You were in college in the '80s?!

Lemont Brown's Credo Page 2. This, I believe: People are good. Yes, we're the only species that wrecks other animals' habitats. But we're also the only species that loves other animals so much that we keep them as pets. ...AND as dinner.

"Technology finally caught up to the vampire Roxanne's dream. She had a baby, and the prophecy came true. "She became invulnerable. She walked in the sun. She knew the taste of garlic twisty bread. "…But she'd never read the WHOLE prophecy. "If a single drop of blood from any animal, living or dead, touched her lips, she would lose it all again, forever. And her APR would shoot up to 29.99%. Fine print's always a killer.

You gonna what? I'm gonna take this little doggy home. Just for the night. I mean sure, her canine teeth are really long, her eyes are glowing red and she might be a vicious, blood-thirsty wolf… …But she's all alone and she needs me. OH! That reminds me, we gotta talk about yo' taste in men. Grrrrr.

The knife is special. Sacred. Fwick. 10,000 years ago, when man first tied a piece of sharp flint rock to a wooden stick with leather… …We stopped fearing the lion and the wolf. We stopped fearing anything. …Except other men with bigger knives. Well, yeah there's that... Fwick.

How could you eat that poor sea kitten. Sea what? Fish are no different from this kitten. They've got feelings, they've got… …tails… you wouldn't eat this kitten, would you?! Of course not. Kittens don't taste good with hot sauce. PETA isn't really known for its sense of humor.

The young slave Frederick Douglass has an odd dream… Are we lowly animals to be abused at will? Master tied Aunt Hester to a beam and stripped her bare. Then, with his face red with fury, he slashed his whip down and down until the soil below was saturated with blood. I feel you, Dog. I can't even go into a 7-Eleven without the guard lookin' at me funny. ...You poor fellow. An' if I try to get a small business loan? Forget it.

Scientists discovered a possible cure for baldness in mice. When they make a massive wound, the scar tissue that grows over it has new hair follicles. They think gaping head wounds could work for humans, too. Lemont, I'm still not smacking you in the head with this bat. I thought you were my friend.

What do you see when you look at that cloud, Susan? I see a giraffe. What do you see, Lemont? A snake. Hundreds of snakes trying to pass a "minimum wage raise"… …that would actually cut the pay of workers who get regular tips while giving huge tax breaks to the filthy rich. ...Also, a giraffe.

Say what , Lemont? I said, months ago I was visited by a version of myself from the future. He told me that time travel, travel to other worlds and travel to alternate realities is possible, but only in our dreams….