Commentary and Fantasy Sports Advice

Explaining the NFL Playoff Teams to girls who watch the Bachelor

Every time I write a football blog my girlfriend reads it and has no idea what I’m talking about. So this week I decided to explain the personalities of each of the remaining 8 NFL playoff teams to her as if they were contestants on the Bachelorette and get her to pick former Bachelor/Bachelorette contestants that match.

The Dallas Cowboys
Face of the franchise: Ezekiel Elliott, Running Back
If Dallas was a contestant on the Bachelorette, they would be:
Age: 21
Occupation: Internet millionaire
Best Attributes: Young, hot and confident
Worst Attribute: May be too immature

A bit more about Dallas:
The Cowboys are led by two rookies, Ezekiel Elliott (above) and quarterback, Dak Prescott. They have the second best record (wins vs. losses) in the league but most experts are not picking them to win the Super Bowl because of their inexperience. Will you take a chance on the young stud?

Bachelor Show Comparison: Haley and Emily
We’re using both guys and girls for these comparisons. Haley and Emily represent Ezekiel and Dak with their youth and spunk (and abs) and also the immaturity.

The Green Bay Packers
Face of the franchise: Aaron Rodgers, Quarterback
If Green Bay was a contestant on the Bachelorette, they would be:
Age: 29
Occupation: Quarterback
Best Attributes: Charming and fun
Worst Attribute: Doesn’t talk to his family.

Bachelor Show Comparison: Well this is obvious. Jordan Rodgers
When Jordan said that Aaron didn’t really talk to his family, my gf asked me if that hurt Aaron’s reputation. HELL NO! I don’t own an Aaron Rodgers jersey because of his family values. I own his jersey because he’s a league and Super Bowl MVP. He’s so good that last week he threw a pass 60 yards through the air for a touchdown and nobody was surprised.

The Atlanta FalconsFace of the franchise: Matt Ryan, Quarterback
If Atlanta was a contestant on the Bachelorette, they would be:
Age: 33
Occupation: Engineer
Best Attributes: Nice, smart and friendly
Worst Attribute: Kind of Boring

A bit more about Atlanta:
It’s not that the Falcons are boring to watch (they actually have the best offense in the league), it’s that they basically have no interesting personalities on their team. Statistically speaking, Matt Ryan should probably win the MVP award this year but he may not because there are sexier choices for the media to pick (namely Rodgers and Brady).

Bachelor Show Comparison: Jared Haibon

The Seattle Seahawks
Face of the franchise: Richard Sherman, Cornerback
If Seattle was a contestant on the Bachelorette, they would be:
Age: 25
Occupation: Boxer
Best Attributes: Tough and successful
Worst Attribute: Kind of a dick

A bit more about Seattle:
The worst thing about the Seahawks are their fans. They’re like girls who didn’t even watch the Bachelor 5 years ago but now they’re like the BIGGEST FANS EVER and won’t stop talking about it and you’re like “where were you five years ago?”.

Bachelor Show Comparison: Josh Murray

The New England Patriots:
Face of the franchise: Tom Brady, Quarterback
If New England was a contestant on the Bachelorette, they would be:
Age: 34
Occupation: Doctor
Best Attributes: Rich, handsome, smart, successful, basically perfect.
Worst Attribute: Possibly a cheater.

A bit more about New England:
Tom Brady and the Patriots playing football is as unfair to everyone else as it would be if Tom Brady went on the Bachelorette. They are so likely to win that it’s actually boring to cheer for them and you’re better off picking an underdog to cheer for.

Bachelor Show Comparison: Sean Lowe

The Pittsburgh Steelers:
Face of the franchise: Antonio Brown, Wide Receiver
If Pittsburgh was a contestant on the Bachelorette, they would be:
Age: 27
Occupation: Rock Star
Best Attributes: Flashy, exciting, great dancer
Worst Attribute: Parties too hard

A bit more about Pittsburgh:
Not only is Antonio Brown near the top of the league in receiving yards and touchdowns, but he is also at the top of the league in penalties and fines for “excessively celebrating” those touchdowns.
I can watch these all day. LOL at this one:

Bachelor Show Comparison: Nick Viall

The Houston Texans
Face of the franchise: Brock Osweiler, Quarterback
If Houston was a contestant on the Bachelorette, they would be:
Age: 26
Occupation: Lawyer that represents the oil industry, or something else that people hate.
Best Attributes: None
Worst Attribute: All kinds of terrible. That guy that just needs to go away. The fact that they are down to the final eight and he’s still there infuriates you.

Bachelor Show Comparison: Fucking Olivia

The Kansas City Chiefs
Face of the franchise: Alex Smith, Quarterback
If Kansas City was a contestant on the Bachelorette, they would be:
Age: Unknown – he hasn’t had enough screen time for you to know
Occupation: Maybe a teacher or a waiter or something
Best Attribute: Above average at everything
Worst Attribute: Spectacular at nothing

A bit more about Kansas City:
If you saw Alex Smith as the face of the franchise and thought to yourself “who’s that?”. Don’t worry, that’s how everyone feels about the entire Chiefs roster. They aren’t bad (in fact they are quite good), they’re just, forgettable.

Bachelor Show Comparison: Chase McNary
I bet you don’t remember that he came third…

I hope this has gave you some enlightenment on the personalities of the 8 remaining teams in the NFL and inspired you to cheer for one of them to win the Super Bowl!
Let me know who you want to win in the comments.