The original title of this post was, “CIBC fucked me and didn’t buy me dinner first”. I started thinking that perhaps that title didn’t express the situation fully.

If this offends you, change the channel. I could care less about offending someone who works for this worthless bank. This is a post about my experience, not yours.

For many years I have delighted in the fact that I have not been CIBC customer. I have, in the last 20 years, witnessed a level of incompetence that could only be rivaled by a brain-addled dog trying to breed a snail. From allowing massive over-contributions to TFSA’s, to botching a basic transfer of an investment account…and please do not even get me started on the tellers!

Very recently, I spent 45 minutes of my life trying to convince one CIBC collections agent that the person they were looking for could not be found at my office number. No joke, this person demanded I provide proof that the telephone number they called had been mine for the last 15+ years!

<cue circus music>

In 2011, CIBC purchased the credit card assets of CitiBank.

<Wait, what?!? I have a CitiBank Mastercard>

Uh oh.

In August 2011 I received a letter saying:

“At some indeterminate time in the kinda/sorta future, we’ll send you a new CIBC credit card. Please be a good little lamb and activate it.”

Gotta admit, I was a bit gobsmacked by the loose time frame I received, and to be sure, I was none too pleased with this turn of events. I really didn’t want to be a CIBC lemming <cough> client. However, I held out hope that this might be a good thing and decided to wait. Not one of my shining moments of fore-thought.

Along comes January 2012. I get home from a day at the office to see that a message is waiting for me. It’s CIBC calling, I am being requested to activate a card that I have not yet received. Hrmmm. Time to call these guys, I suppose. And call I did…

Me: Dials number and follows voice prompts.

CIBC CSR: THANK YOU for calling CIBC my name is FRED. HOW can I HELP you?

Me: Hi Fred, I’m confused about a message that was left on my voice mail. Perhaps you can shed some light on it?

CIBC FRED: SURE!!! WHAT seems to BE the PROBLEM?

Me: Um, well, FRED, I am being asked to activate a card I do not have. Nor have I received one as yet.

CIBC FRED: REALLY? Are YOU SURE you haven’t received YOUR NEW CIBC PLATINUM MASTERCARD?

Me: Yeah, I’m sure.

CIBC FRED: We’ve had CLIENTS that don’t open THEIR mail.

Me: Ah, well…no, I open my mail.

CIBC FRED: ARE you SURE.

Me: Yes, Fred. I am certain.

CIBC FRED: WELL then, your new CIBC PLATINUM MASTERCARD must have been lost by CANADA POST.

Me: Erm…

CIBC FRED: YOU SEE, Canada Post LOST a whole batch of new MASTERCARDS that we sent out in NOVEMBER.

Me: Wait, what? November?

CIBC FRED: YES, November! In FACT your MASTERCARD was mailed out on or AROUND November 5th.

Me: And it took better than two months for someone to ask me why I hadn’t activated my card as of now?

CIBC FRED: WELL, we have been busy following up with EVERYONE from the CITI MASTERCARD purchase.

Me: Ok, Fred…I get it. (me thinking: You are too busy trying to emphasize the right words in your script to do your damn job)

CIBC FRED: I’ll TRANSFER you to the MASTERCARD department so you can get a REPLACEMENT CARD. They will BE HAPPY to help you.

Me: Actually Fred, I can’t look into that at the moment but I will call back later tonight.

CIBC FRED: OKEY DOKEY, THANK YOU FOR CALLING CIBC and have a nice day.

As a side note, Fred was really beginning to annoy me and I had a kid to pick up from school. I figured it could wait.

When I got back from picking the kid up from school, guess who had called and left a message about me activating a CIBC PLATINUM MASTERCARD. Really? What was this, nag by voice mail? I decided to wait on my call back until I got soothed by my spouse.

What ensued was a clusterfuck of epic proportions. Not only did the CIBC rep not give a flying fig that the whole batch of new CIBC Mastercards were lost, but pointed out to me that I was the only person who seemed to care about this fact. They also intimated that if I was really concerned I would have called them a week after the Mastercards were mailed to follow up. I responded with two very simple points:

1) Did I receive a letter indicating a solid date of when the new Mastercard was to be mailed? NO, I did not.

2) Am I the client, or is CIBC the client? I am the client, it is YOUR job to provide service.

The CIBC rep then responded with, “Well, the card can still be used until the expiration date. If that’s what you really want to do”. My instant response was <HELL YES>, “Thank you, I will do that. I will also consider whether I wish to continue to do business with CIBC. Thank you so much for providing such clarity”.

You ever miss the days of slamming the phone down with petty satisfaction? I did that night.

You might be asking yourself why I didn’t just get a new card and card number. I asked that too. What I came back with was pretty simple. I had a purchase on this card, that required me to present said card to collect the purchase, and, I have had the same number since the 90’s…dammit, I had the blessed thing memorized! My reasons may seem small and petty, but they felt right to me.

Fast forward to April 19, 2012. CIBC Liberation Day!

Lo and behold, my card no longer works. According to the “manager” I spoke to on the CIBC phone lines, my card had been “dis-activated”. What the hell are you talking about, “dis-activated”? Then, the “manager” tells me she “empathizes with me”. Lady, you can’t even pronounce it, much less use it. I looked at my supportive spouse, and I started to laugh at the “manager” on the phone, and softly pressed the END button on the phone.

Me: Well, that tears it.

Spouse: What’s going on?

Me: Just taking care of something, one sec. (logging into online banking and paying balance on CIBC Mastercard and writing confirmation number down)

Me: We are no longer clients of CIBC, you want to call? I’m not sure I can be calm with the CSR.

Spouse: Call after supper, you’ll be better by then.

Me: Ok.

And call I did.

The lovely gal was “sad” to see me close our account, and hastened to remind me that I was still bound by the CIBC Mastercard Agreement. I pointed out that as I never had a CIBC Mastercard in my possession, nor did I ACTIVATE a CIBC Mastercard, the Agreement could be argued by my lawyer. She then noted that I would still be bound by my CitiBank Mastercard Agreement, to which I laughed at as well. Since my Citibank Mastercard had been “dis-activated” by CIBC, that same agreement was also null and void. Sorry Pun’kin, not gonna work. All the systematic billings that were set up, have been stopped…all three of them.

Pun’kin: Please destroy the Mastercard.

Me: I will gleefully chop it into little bits as soon as I have that last purchase in my hands…and I’ll mail you the wee bits to prove that I have done as you asked.

Pun’kin: (a bit less cheery) That won’t be necessary.

Me: Thanks so much, buh-bye!

So, why the title of CIBC versus Porn? As far as I’m concerned, CIBC showed as much sensitivity to their new Mastercard clients as the guy that uses spit as a lubricant in a porn. Both are the same rank of disdain and lack of concern for the person they are going to fuck.

Side note: The names of the CSR’s have been changed to protect their privacy. The company name remains unchanged to protect others.