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Sunday, December 12, 2010

Is it Strange?

Is it Strange?

Is it strange that I love taking transit sometimes? The sight and sounds. Smell not so much. The grind of the track, the shakes and sways.

I was watching this show once with the millionaire matchmaker. She said- if they don't say I love you in the first six months, consider moving on. I wonder if this is true. That one should. Then I question- do I have too much love that it just doesn't add up sometimes. Should I stop. I don't know if I'm in the good or the bad. Like the day, the feeling, that breathlessness won't come anymore. I'm I wanting more than just the norm. I don't do default. Boyfriend said I'm high maintenance. Is this true? Maybe I'm asking too much from him? Am I giving too little. I didn't tell him that kinda hurt me. I tend to believe I don't ask for much. I don't complain when it's not needed. Maybe the perception of myself is not as fantastic. He kind of complains more than I do. Things I know he knows that he shouldn't really be complaining about. Now I wonder do I hold back for asking anything ? Ignore this statement? I'll most likely let it go.

Is it strange that I want to forget and start over again. That's I once believed I loved someone. Is it strange that I fell in love with more than one person? Would it be strange if I didn't tell them anymore that I miss them- not just them- anyone? Is it strange that my heart says I love you. And my voice no longer wants to speak it cause they never say a word? And then it slips my lips- and I get nothing in return. I always doubt 'us'. I never want to doubt - ever - not with love again.
I doubted when i saw no effort. I doubted when I ate with him. I doubted when I was in that city. I doubted when he squeezed me in his arms. I doubted when I was on that beach. I doubted when he said wanted nothing more. I doubted when my lips met his. - so much doubts with them. But they are not you. Is it strange if I wonder - if they doubt about me and them? - time passes and I wonder for a moment if they realize that they had fallen in love with me after the fact of their doubts - silently they keep that to themselves. They look in time to time on me- and not say a word. Even I will never know of their love for me. They miss me- and I will never know- and in turn I will never tell them - that I miss them too.

But my love returns to me. My words escape my heart and I draw them back. Unforgotten of heartache and breaks. I throw away doubt when they arrive like junk mail. I strive for success as I'm surrounded in failure. I want to be a power couple with the person I love. I want my children to know that their parents have strived for extra in what life has presented them in their lives. That nothing is impossible. I want to lead my kids by example. Not just push the pressure to be successful on them. I don't ever want my kids to cut my dreams short, or they will feel it. But they will know that they were one of my life goals. That they were wanted. I have my own goals. I want them to pursue happiness, because so many have failed in the pursuit of happiness as they chased the numbers and riches. Money is good- but happiness is better. Any monkey can make money- making it and loving what you do - is smarter than the average man who chases the trail just to pay the bills. Everyone has bills. Money will always be made and lost. What you feel during that time is time you will never get back. I rather lose my time to happiness.

I'll never forget that I loved you. It was time well spent. There should be no doubts now.