i never wanted kids. the number of times i fantasized about being a mom as a young girl was -2. ladies at church would ask me to "babysit sometime," and i would smile and nod, then pray they'd never call.
when i found out i was pregnant, 2 days before my 1 year wedding anniversary, i cried. not happy tears. i clung to marty, terrified, and tried not to think about anything at all.

the next day i went on a run. we lived on oahu , and let me just tell you that sweating in hawaii feels like secreting sticky glue from your pores. i ran my normal route to the end of laie point, cursing the hawaii sun because i was so freaking hot. i was so uncomfortable i started to worry. not about myself, about something else. then suddenly a feeling rushed through my chest, shocking me and relieving me all at once.

love.

fierce, crazy love. a desire to do anything and everything to protect my baby. and i know this sounds incredibly dramatic, but the fact is, it was dramatic. the change was so night and day, i could hardly believe it myself. the fear i felt finding out i was pregnant was replaced by love and curiosity. what would it possibly be like to become a mother? it became something i definitely wanted to find out.

when i look at this post--that is waayyyy too long because i suck at editing sometimes---when i look back at the families i photographed in 2011, that is what i think about. how family changes everything even when you don't want it to. its a miracle and a curse, and its the most beautiful power i've ever witnessed. it will always be my favorite thing to photograph.

this has been an incredible year. i found film. i found my voice. i found joy in shooting again. i still have so, so, so far to go to reach my goals. but at least i know i'm walking along the right path. tripping some, and even falling down sometimes---but moving in the right direction.
i hope you enjoy this sampling of wedding images from the last year. there were so many that got left out, and it breaks my heart! but i have to edit myself somewhere right? if you're reading this blog, please know that i appreciate you, i care for you, i might even love you. one thing is for certain, i wouldn't be where i am with out you.

want another little tidbit of info? peeing your pants at the beginning of a family photo session doesn't have to ruin it. no, not me, silly, one of these little boys who will not be named, but who was not phased even a tiny little bit, just so you know.
Getting to shoot in new to me places in my now home state of Colorado keeps me feeling alive. Getting to meet other local photographers like Andrea and her family keep me feeling at home, even when everything feels big and unknown.

ATTENTION!!!! WE HAVE HAD

SOME MODELS FOR THIS

WEEKEND'S WORKSHOP

CHANGE THEIR PLANS AND

NOW WE NEED TO FILL IN THE

GAPS! LOOKING FOR A FEW KIDS

AGE 4-9, AND ONE BABY AGE 6-12

MONTHS. MODELS MUST BE

AVAILABLE THIS FRIDAY

FROM 3-5 AND ACCOMPANIED

BY AT LEAST ONE PARENT.

PLEASE SEND A RECENT PHOTO

TO photography.yan@gmail.com.

THANK YOU!

i'm telling you, this field of yellow flowers was the stuff dreams are made of. and so when i went back with another wonderful client the day following this shoot, only to find the each and every yellow flower plowed and churned into dirt by a ginormous tractor, i was angry, sure, but i also thought "you were too good for this world yellow field." hahahhahahaha.

and i know. you're not just, "whoa, get a load of that field." you're also kinda thinking, "whoa get a load of adorable sebastian," and of course, "get a load of sebastian's drop dead gorgeous mama." how could you not? =) they are even nicer on the inside than they look on the outside. i feel so blessed to have such wonderful clients.

i had a good feeling about this shoot. from the minute i talked to kollin and stephanie on the phone i could sense we were all on the same wavelength. especially when they said they had a secluded "wildlife," location tucked away in the middle of stephanie's neighborhood. double especially when they said they had a golf cart to take me there. good thing they saved the harmonica as a surprise, if they had told me about it before hand, i might have paid THEM to let me photograph their love.
one other thing you should know - kollin MIGHT be the kind of guy that goes in monthly to get his haircut by a girl he has a crush on for an entire YEAR before they ever get together. and all that time steph thought he was just diligent about hair maintenance.