Too many coaches try and ruin kids. I have heard so many stories. What should be happening is increasing the love for the game. As former players we should do the right thing, always. So many want the biggest fastest most athletic only to find when they get a little older they leave and go into other things. Intentionally trying to destroy a kids ego is pathetic. People say athletes should be loyal, why when the coaches are not. I have seen some great/good players sit lately and their mentality is almost destroyed. All because the one they look up too ignored them or acts like they do not exist. I have seen these kids totally fall apart and cry......coaches don't care. In all honesty coaches should have to have kids before they coach kids. It might change a little.

Soccerout wrote:Too many coaches try and ruin kids. I have heard so many stories. What should be happening is increasing the love for the game. As former players we should do the right thing, always. So many want the biggest fastest most athletic only to find when they get a little older they leave and go into other things. Intentionally trying to destroy a kids ego is pathetic. People say athletes should be loyal, why when the coaches are not. I have seen some great/good players sit lately and their mentality is almost destroyed. All because the one they look up too ignored them or acts like they do not exist. I have seen these kids totally fall apart and cry......coaches don't care. In all honesty coaches should have to have kids before they coach kids. It might change a little.

Unfortunately this does happen all too often, but some of the blame lies with the parents as well. Too many are willing to pay to have their kid on the best, highest-level team regardless of coach. Some of these kids are getting pushed too hard, too early. I mean really, why are we ranking girls soccer teams in elementary school? Is that for us or them? My advice is choose your coach wisely even if that means not playing at the highest level at age 8. Stress love of the game vs winning. My dd is older now but, in her younger days, she stayed loyal to the coaches who believed in her. Stuck with the same team for five years and that meant playing in PPL (the horror) for two years. Guess what? She's no worse off for it. Still loves the game and is now playing ECNL. Like the previous poster said, the best thing you can do is foster her love of the game. The rest will take care of itself.

Soccerout wrote:Too many coaches try and ruin kids. I have heard so many stories. What should be happening is increasing the love for the game. As former players we should do the right thing, always. So many want the biggest fastest most athletic only to find when they get a little older they leave and go into other things. Intentionally trying to destroy a kids ego is pathetic. People say athletes should be loyal, why when the coaches are not. I have seen some great/good players sit lately and their mentality is almost destroyed. All because the one they look up too ignored them or acts like they do not exist. I have seen these kids totally fall apart and cry......coaches don't care. In all honesty coaches should have to have kids before they coach kids. It might change a little.

A few ways to look at it...

1. Soccer is a sport / pastime for you child to have fun, play with friends, and grow. Hopefully while they're doing so they learn teamwork, dedication, and the value of friendship.

2. Soccer is a microcosm of the big world and your child needs to learn that it's a dog eat dog existence, perform or your out. Soccer is a trial by fire and if she can't cut it then too bad.

3. A combo of 1 and 2, if you child just wants to have fun then have her pay Rec where hopefully the coaches aren't under pressure so are nice guys. If she's competitive then play select but be aware of what you're getting into.

All that being said, I don't think coaches are "trying to ruin kids". Some, like you said should be nowhere near children, they have no understanding of how a developing mind works. They especially don't understand the mind of a young girl. Remember these are 25 year old guys who typically have no children and no training in psychology so all they know is how they (as boys) learned the game through negative reinforcement, punishment, and extinction. Watch most practices and you'll see the following:

Suzy makes a bad cross with her left foot, the coach yells at her. A few seconds later she makes another bad cross with her left foot, he yells louder so the whole team can hear. Suzy is now embarrassed and rather than trying to improve her left foot she will now avoid it and use her right. If the coach keeps forcing her to use her left you'll start to hear "Do we have to go to practice today?" in the car. The coach thinks Suzy is soft because she's shut down. Hell that's how he learned. But he doesn't realize that Boys respond much different than girls.

So now after a few weeks of the coach yelling at the girls not performing the task correctly he's emotionally split the team into those who can do the skill and those who can't. In his mind the ones who can are his "good players" and the ones who can't are his "not good players" and starts treating them differently. So what's his next move? punishment... "If you guys can't get this right you're all going to have to run" (push ups, sit ups, etc.). He thinks the pressure placed on the whole team will create peer pressure for the girls and they'll learn the skill. Most of the time it backfires, further splitting the team.

How could he have avoided all this? By knowing that Suzy would typically respond better to a moment of one on one instruction and a few "great job Suzy" when trying the cross. Now Suzy knows that performing the skill makes the coach happy and will try her best to do better.

Think it's BS? Go work out with you wife and see what happens when you yell at her to lift more or run faster.

What separates some of the teams from the others? They play as a team, want to win for each other because they're unified and want to win for their coach.

Also remember that these coaches are under pressure from parents. Everyone says it's about development but talk to parents after their team has lost 2 in a row. Talk to them after a girl makes a mistake and loses the game and I bet you hear "why was she in?" Read the forum and you'll see how concerned parents are about development Watch how many teams survive being relegated or God forbid have to go through QT again. Look at how PPL is talked about, like it's some leper colony where girls and team are sent and never heard from again. Given this, how many times is a coach in D1 or ECNL going to go out of there way to help player 16 on a team? It's sad, it sucks, but it is what it is. Maybe if we, as parents just allowed the girls to play things would change? But then again when parents are paying $4000 a year how many are ready to just sit back and enjoy the ride?

BTW I was writing this as the previous post was going up (sorry for some of the repeat but I guess it means they hold true)

__________________________________________________"Behind every kick of the ball there has to be a thought" - Dennis Bergkamp

Yes, db10 is not ProDallas ; ) and it's this kind of thoughtful post that has helped me re-think how I try to approach my own daughters' athletic efforts. It's easy to get sucked into the competitive tone often shared on these pages. We all want what's best for our kids and to provide them the resources to maximize their potential. But, I'm letting go more and trying to shift my approach and the good news is, I can see it working. It's less stressful for me, too, which I'm enjoying.

I coach, and I know plenty of good coaches. We do it the right way. No my kid did not get cut, we pulled her from 2 coaches because of what they are doing to the game. Good very knowledgeable player who has been belittled and/or embarrassed. For what? What did it accomplish? If your a coach....you should be developing until they are 11/12. After that refine and then choose who you need to. I get a better feeling when I keep kids that came to me and I develop them. Not take them from someone else.

Love all the inputs! When kids are 12 and under, it should be ALL about development and having fun! Who can develop, motivate and build confidence in my DD to prevent me from having to pay an additional $200+ for outside training/development. I've not heard of many coaches doing that, but one I can think of is JM from the Kicks. He's probably the most fair coach out there! He develops, motivates and plays the girls fairly...Yes, he's with a small club, but it's all that's needed until the kids get ECNL/DA age. Thanks to everyone for the inputs. Please keep these things in mind when paying your Select/JDL fees.