Strange friend, past, present, and to be;
Loved deeplier, darklier, understood;
Behold, I dream a dream of good,
And mingle all the world with thee. - Tennyson

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

The History of Ex

I don't get it.

A few nights ago, I had a dream last night about one of my ex's.. the one from back in college.. in 97. In my dream, I was in my room talking with my sister and noticed a lump in my bed. I hit at it to discover someone underneath. The covers were pulled back and it was S. She was happy to see me and we started chatting like old friends. She told me what she's been up to and rolled over to show me her tan, as evident by her white ass. And what a fine ass it was! S was a soccer player in college and had an amazing ass and set of quads. She was more of a fling and I guess can't really be called an ex, but whatever..

I usually have dreams of my first girlfriend/ex. We split in the summer of 97 and I haven't seen her since 2000. For a long time afterwards I was mad at her for "what she did," before I realized splitting up with her was one of the best things that ever happened to me. I kept a Rubbermaid container of our notes, anniversary cards, "just because" cards, (4 years worth!), pictures, etc, and finally threw it in the big trash compactor in 2000. Wiped my hands clean and was through with her.. even though there are a few lingering mix tapes and pictures from my high school graduation.

Of course there were good times and bad and a lot of good memories and I know I've grown and learned from all of them. My first relationship lasted four years and my most recent lasted 2.5 years, with the others not lasting any longer than the last.

But what have I learned? History repeats itself? I move too fast? I move too slow? I'm selfish? I'm not cut out to be in a relationship.. at least not now.. at least that's what I keep telling myself.

I'm sure if I had my dreams interpreted, I'd be told that I'm still hung up on my ex's.. that I need to let go. I've thrown out just about everything from everyone.. deleated emails, email addresses, AIM names, tossed out pictures, notes, cards... and of the stuff I've kept, it's filed away in an unmarked manila envelop or stashed in a box with whoknowswhatelse. What else is there to do?

I've let go of my past physically, but how do I clear myself mentally?

5 Comments:

I came upon your blog because I was thinking tonight that I need a muse and decided to google that phrase.....

Anyway, it may sound a bit silly, but your blog about the History of Ex reminded me of an episode of “That ‘70s Show.” There is a very sweet romance between Eric, who is sort of the main character, and Donna, the girl next store whom he’s known since he was 4. At one point they break up and he wishes he had never known her, because he can’t stand the pain. Enter an angel played by Newman from Seinfeld who does the It’s a Wonderful LIfe bit, showing Eric what would happen if he’d never known Donna. But after each vision, Eric remains firm that he wants to forget it. Finally the angel relents, but says that before he makes it so that Eric never meet Donna, he wants to show Eric all he will be losing, and there’s a rapid montage of happy scenes of him and Donna.

My point being that there’s no point in trying to erase the happy memories. Embrace them and feel good that you have them. All things end, so move on!

I have dreams about my ex's all the time. Not just sexual dreams - but us just hanging out dreams. Sometimes dreams of apologies and admissions of guilt (on their part - never mine. ;)). Its weird and sometimes I wonder what it means ... I would never ever want to be in a realtionship with them ever again but its almost like I want closure - like I want to hear someone say "I fucked up ... and it was a terrible mistake and I'm sorry". But god knows that will never happen.

Jen- found your blog courtesy of Smacca. I'm also from Michigan- it's funny how blogs connect people across the miles. Anyway, you should go read http://www.crazyauntpurl.com, check out her post from Friday, 3/3. She links some music that is really good. Brought me right back to right around 1996- college, friends, drinking, darkly lost loves.