How do I tell my father I’m pregnant?

How do I tell my father I’m pregnant?

Archived

–,
Wednesday,
October,
17,
2012,(8:12am)

Dear Bossy: I would like your opinion, as well as your readers, on how to tackle a little I have in my life. I am pregnant, not planned but a welcome surprise my partner and I are happy to accomodate, even if the timing is not ideal. Although it is still pretty early, we have started to tell some of our immediate family members and they are all excited, but I am yet to tell my dad and do not know how to approach this. I already feel guilty for not including him sooner and worry there may be some fall out from that, but I am honestly more concerned about telling him. Basically I am shit scared.

Just for some background, my dad and I are not especially close, but there is no bad blood or anything like that. He has lived overseas for most of my life and now has his own family over there, we have had semi-regular contact which has waned over the years due to lifestyle, but he has never indicated he doesn’t care about me or love me. He has maintained interest in my life and placed a great emphasis on things like education and career, and has been extremely supportive financially. So although we are not that close and I care more about my mother’s wellbeing, in many ways I care more about my dad’s opinion of me due to his pressure and financial influence.

So therein lies my problem. I am an adult in a committed relationship, but I am still relatively young (24, 25 by the time this baby would be born) and unwed and definitely not living the dream my dad would have had for me.

I come from a family where no one really tells each other things or talks about how we feel, so I have actually struggled to talk about this to my family with whom I speak every day, so to suddenly breach that with my dad is completely unfathomable. I really don’t think I can.

We communicate a lot by email and it is incredibly tempting to email him, but everyone says that is a bad idea and in my heart I agree… in the long run it needs to be said in person and it needs to come from me.

But I. Cannot. Do. That.

Please give me some advice on how I can being to approach this situation and prepare for any possible fallout.

Thanks.

Bossy says: Why does it need to be said in person? You’re not breaking some dreadful news of a tragedy to him. And even if you were, the phone would still be good enough.

I agree you should not send your dad an email. But he lives overseas. I don’t think anyone expects you to hop on a plane and visit him to break the news. The next best option is the phone. Pick it up, dial his number and say “Hi”.

If you don’t talk that often and mostly communicate by email then he will probably know straight away something is up.

Pretty quickly after you’ve got the “how are you” out of the way say: “I have something important to tell you, I hope you will be pleased for me. I’m pregnant.

If you are having a baby and soon to be a parent you need to start to be a grown up and being a grown-up is about accepting that life is not always easy and sometimes we have to impart or hear difficult news. And you can’t control how someone else will react.

While it would be great if your father was happy for you the fact is you can’t live your life in fear of other people’s reactions. It would be nice to have his blessing but if you can’t, you need to be brave and strong enough to stand up for your own life and your own decisions.

Have Your Say

Firstly, and only if you feel it’s appropriate, talk to your Mum. Without knowing the back story, if they were together for a while, she probably has some experience in talking to him about things, and might be able offer some pointers on the best way to approach it.

Secondly, maybe instead of saying “I’m pregnant” say “You’re going to be a grandpa!” That puts the spin slightly more on him than you, at least initially, until he has time to digest all the information.

Thirdly, there’s a Swedish proverb that says “Fear is a light that gives a small thing a large shadow.” You’re having a baby, and that’s a BIG thing and will affect you for the rest of your life. This phone call is something you’re worrying about, but it will come and go. Your Dad may be upset with you, but that will pass - probably in a week or two once he gets over the shock. But the worrying about it is bad for you, and because of that, bad for the baby. Make the call, get it over with and it will pass. And you may well be surprised how supportive he is after.

Great advice Locust with the talk to the Mum suggestion. And the grandpa conversation. If your Dad is really that upset about such an exciting moment in your life, then that is his problem, not yours, and it would be unfair of him to cast a negative vibe over this event. He also left you guys and lives overseas now, what right does he have to judge you?

Dragon replied to Aussie Locust
Wed 17 Oct 12 (10:08am)

“Fear is a light that gives a small thing a large shadow.” I love that! Great response.

bobagorof replied to Aussie Locust
Wed 17 Oct 12 (10:10am)

I don’t think the father’s opinion will have any bearing on whether they go through with the birth (he didn’t have much say in the conception part ), so it really shouldn’t matter whether he’s upset or not.
The sooner you tell him, the more time he’ll have to absorb the news and come to terms with it. If you put it off, it will only make things worse.

Robbity replied to Aussie Locust
Wed 17 Oct 12 (12:04pm)

Well said AL!! And Bossy of course

OP I will add, sometimes people react badly because, as you say, they wanted *more* for you. However the issue is theirs, not yours. Dont take it on your shoulders - let them react how they will. If you are happy, they should be happy!

All you can do is get on with doing the best you can, for you not them.
I spent years trying to please everyone else - often at the expense of me - because my family were never happy and I wanted their approval. It took a wonderful psychologist to help me see that I was a good person regardless of what my family thought, and I changed the way I reacted to them (stopped letting it bother me).

Funnily enough, my family changed their tune when I stopped dancing to it!!

Good luck with baby, and with grandpa grump. Remember, babies have a way of softening the hardest hearts....

Robbity replied to Aussie Locust
Wed 17 Oct 12 (12:04pm)

Well said AL!! And Bossy of course

OP I will add, sometimes people react badly because, as you say, they wanted *more* for you. However the issue is theirs, not yours. Dont take it on your shoulders - let them react how they will. If you are happy, they should be happy!

All you can do is get on with doing the best you can, for you not them.
I spent years trying to please everyone else - often at the expense of me - because my family were never happy and I wanted their approval. It took a wonderful psychologist to help me see that I was a good person regardless of what my family thought, and I changed the way I reacted to them (stopped letting it bother me).

Funnily enough, my family changed their tune when I stopped dancing to it!!

Good luck with baby, and with grandpa grump. Remember, babies have a way of softening the hardest hearts....

BroG replied to Aussie Locust
Wed 17 Oct 12 (01:31pm)

Your dad already knows.
The End.

Why are you scared? Don’t worry, this isn’t a tragedy and he’ll probably be happy for you (if you and your partner are happy that is).

Hey OP - I truly hope you are not sharing your exciting news until at least 3 months into your pregnancy.

It’s just common sense and simply wise to wait until then.

All the best.

Elisa replied to She-Raz
Thu 18 Oct 12 (12:25am)

I was shitscared when it was time to tell my parents, but here’s how it works. Just make yourself a deal that for the next ten minutes you pretend you’re tough, and then it will be all finished.

He’s on the other end of a phone, so it’s not like he can spit on you. And the advice Bossy gave means that you THROW the request for congratulations at him. No matter how shocked someone is, the moment you say “and I hope you’ll be happy for me”, people will offer congratulations unless they’re assholes. Your dad loves you. He won’t be an asshole when you tell him.

Something to keep in mind, soon you will have a visible bump, and complete strangers will even know you did the deed. Later on you’ll have to give birth, and complete strangers will see your hoo-ha. When a baby gets breastfed, complete strangers will see the mother’s boobs. Part of becoming a mother is learning that your business is everyone else’s business!

Having been estranged from my father all my life, though still in contact a couple of times a year, I can’t see what’s wrong with emailing the news, OP. In familes like ours, distant communication is what it’s all about. Distant, strange, infrequent - or none at all. Better the former.

Advantages of emailing are: you can get it done today; Dad can have his reaction in private instead of fumbling over the phone; he can consider his response by return email; you will have written words instead of strange tones in his voice if his response is less than you’d wish for; you have a bit of distance for yourself to prepare for his response.

Lastly, having been away and emotionally distant for most of your life, don’t place so much importance on his reaction. Believe me, with a dear little baby in your life, your own original family and its short-comings will pale into (relative) insignificance. Oh,and congratulations!

Just go up to him… look him straight in the eyes… and say.. pa! we going to have a baby...but in essence you’re just a disappointment to not only him but the wider community, if you can’t take care of contraception then you certainly cannot take of a child. Anyhow it looks like taxes will need to rise to pay for your welfare support bill for you and your sprog.

Dear OP,
there may have been other things in your life which you have had to struggle to do (eg studying) - how did you overcome that?

It should not just be your will against your imagination (as to how he will react). Your will can, to a degree, enlist your imagination as an ally. For example, tell yourself that you will have the strength to tell him after you have done something else, that you do have control over. Perhaps a foot massage, perhaps breathing exercises, perhaps both.

If you can’t stop thinking about the worst way he could react, reassure yourself that even that you could deal with, and anything better is a bonus.

It is a normal part of the human experience to be a parent. So it is a normal part of the human experience to confront regularly that hard does not mean impossible. You would be surprised at what you can do if you take it step by step.

My first baby was due in December and the way I told my dad was to tell him that he was getting a grandbaby for Christmas. As with Aussie Locust’s advice (above), it put the spin on a new relationship between grandfather and grandchild, rather than on father and daughter.

Telling him over the phone is fine. You also have the advantage of being able to hang up if the conversation is going somewhere you don’t want it to.

You’re having a baby and your dad is going to find out. It will be infinitely worse for you if he finds out from somebody else. The whole “what if?” that comes with this kind of issue will drive you crazy if you let it - put yourself out of your misery, pick up the phone and tell him. Once its done you can move on, whatever the reaction. He may surprise you with his reaction, you just never know.

Ditto to Bossy’s advice. Another option if you feel you may get tongue tied would be to send a hand written card or letter, more personal than an email but perhaps easier than a phone call if you’re that concerned. I’ve known people who surprised soon to be grandparents by giving them a gift - when unwrapped it was a pair of baby booties or a tiny football jumper or something with a note to say that there was a little one on the way.

However you do it, do it soon so the news doesn’t travel to him third hand via a random cousin or something.

i have a really important question for you: are you happy? you seem to want to be happy for yourself but the above sentence makes it sound like things are definitely not ideal. a baby is not something to accommodate; it cannot be checked out of your life.

my underlying concern for you is that in a couple of months or years time you are going to find yourself a single mother. if this happens you are going to need all of the family you have supporting you. your dad is one of those people so be honest with him. if he gets angry and disappointed don’t yell back. instead tell him your own insecurities and hopes for this family you are about to create. he will respond in one of two ways:
a) he will be concerned for you, but willing to try to be happy and supportive
b) he will be upset with you. but if he is the decent guy you seem to think he is then he will come around and love your child too.
bossy is right. you are going to be a parent which is an adult responsibility. you need to be an adult and act like an adult and your dad needs to see that you are an adult too.
i hope it all turns out well for you, your partner and your baby. at least you are not 17 and knocked up. you are 24. you can do this.

Awww..., have a heart, Semiotic. She’s not a a fruitcake, just a scared new mum-to-be.

Yes, you are an adult. You have completed your education and you’re in a committed relationship. It’s therefore hard to imagine precisely why the prospect of telling your father your news has instilled such trepidation in you, or why you think his ‘opinion’ of you might change. You haven’t really explained that part very well.

Is this about culture/morality and you know your father will think you should have married before you had a baby? Is it purely financial and you’re worried he’s going to resent ‘wasting’ his money on your education? Is it to do with his vicarious aspirations for you and his belief that you may be jeopardizing a great career and the life he always wanted for you? Or are you simply a giant wuss and don’t want to ‘disappoint’ him on some vague, generic level?

In the absence of more information, my only advice is to sit down and actually work out why you’re so frightened. Isolate in your own mind what you feel his main issue/s might be and be prepared to calmly address each of those with him and to reassure him if you feel that’s warranted.

Then call your dad. Do it quickly though. You’ve already told other family members and I agree that it could certainly be viewed as both disrespectful and hurtful that you haven’t included your dad before now. Your window of opportunity is closing rapidly.

Tell him that you have some news and you care so much about his opinion that you’ve been worried about how best to approach it. Then just come right out with it. Tell him how happy you are, and ask for his blessing. What happens after that is the lap of the Gods, but if you’re mature enough to have this baby you most certainly need to be mature enough to deal with his reaction – whatever it is. My guess is he’ll be fine, and you’ll have been prevaricating over nothing.

OP, youtube is full of exciting ways to tell relatives about a pregnancy. If you are scared of telling him over the phone or by email, I’d suggest sending a gift to break the news.

Earlier this year my hubby and I also broke the news to relatives. For my MIL who likes coffee, we sent a coffee cup that when it heats up shows a message “Guess who is going to be a grandma?”

For my brother we sent him a card with the 20 week ultrasound pic inside and a teddy bear with “Uncle” on the jacket.

All methods we used resulted in us getting a phone call anyway. We didn’t mention if we were having a girl or boy and our relatives really wanted to know. I just wish I could have filmed the reactions but with so many relatives living in different states and overseas it was a bit too hard to arrange.

If you think your Dad is going to overreact send a gift and let him call you after he has processed the news. That way he is more likely to have calmed down by the time you talk on the phone. On the other hand you may find he actually takes the news well and gets excited!

Congratulations!!! How exciting for you and your partner!
The advice given is great and I would second it. Just call and get it over with. The hardest thing is getting started.
The only thing I would add is listen to lovely, calming music (classical preferably) as babies are quite receptive in the womb.
Calm children are a blessing

Why is email a bad idea?? Particularly if it’s your usual route of comunication. When we were expecting we just flicked off a family wide email that said something like “Hey guys, thought you’d like to know that we’re expecting!” And not much more. Why make such a big deal of it?

I was in a similar situation a year or so back. My parents are Christians so are anti sex-before marriage, however I was sleeping with my girlfriend and didn’t want to lie to them about it. Like yourself my family no longer live in the area so I could have easily avoided the issue until the next time they visited. When I rang my Dad and told him that my girlfriend was welcome to move in whenever she wanted and that I would rather he hear it from me first, he did not judge me at all - but instead told me he liked her and he was proud of not only how I was handling my relationship but also the many other things I had achieved such as keeping a job for several years and purchasing property.

It really is part of being an adult to be able to realise that you do not have to live up to other people’s expectations of you.

Comments are submitted for possible publication on the condition that they may be edited. Please provide a name, you may use a screen name – this will be published with your comment, and a working email address – not for publication, but for verification. The suburb/location field is optional.
( Read our publication guidelines ).

A NOTE ABOUT RELEVANT ADVERTISING: We collect information about the content (including ads) you use across this site and use it to make both advertising and content more relevant to you on our network and other sites.