For Conor

With your soft baby voice I heard you say Mama, mama – what I would do now to hear you say my name again. I remember you calling my name for a little while before all your words faded away. My heart aches now and always will that I did not record you speaking. I had no idea back then that I would wait years for your voice to come back to me. I am still waiting and I always will. I don’t think anyone can ever prepare a mother for the realisation that they may never hear their child’s voice. [Read more…]

Wiping tears gently away from Conor’s little face I pull him in tight, trying my best to hug and kiss away what hurts his beautiful heart. I know that I may not ever find out what plays on his mind when he cries quietly to himself lying on his bed. I lie beside him when his tears flow all too easily and tell him repeatedly “Mammy loves Conor”, holding him tight I do my best to hug all his fears away, hoping if I hug him just tightly enough he will know and he will feel all the love I have for him.

Moments like this are the hardest to bear as I would do absolutely anything to help him speak, so that finally we would hear all the lovely things he wants to say. I never imagined all those years ago when his words stopped that almost 6 years later we would still be hoping, wishing and waiting. In the years since his words faded away, I have learned so much from Conor without him ever uttering one single beautiful word. [Read more…]

Conor’s Autism

I have been asked so many times recently about Conor and how we found out about him having Autism. I usually give the good version and say we found out when he was less than 18 months old and at that time he was the youngest in the County to ever be diagnosed. It is all true but what lead to that diagnosis has been some of the hardest most painful years of my life. I decided to finally write down how it all happened and I may come back later to add more to it as I don’t think I could mentally cope with remembering all that happened and all we have been through all at once so for now I have written my first draft for you to read. It will be in two parts as it is a long story.x I’l post the second part in a week or so , once I have built up the courage to write it. So for now here is Part 1 of Conor’s Autism.- [Read more…]