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Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Heather and I went to the Light Up tonight at the Civic Centre and toured the Festival of Trees. It was only -18 outside, but it was snowing and it reminded me of Midnight Madness shopping in Smithers every year when the snow is falling, people are all bundled up and drinking hot chocolate wandering mainstreet. It made me feel nostalgic. And Yes, that Snowman is dressed like a Pirate! Ho-ho-Yarrr!

I have decided to jump on the bandwagon. Yes, it's true. I have decided to declare myself A Nation Within Canada. Why not? If the government will recognize the contributions the Quebecois have made to the country, then why can't it recognize my contributions? I pay my taxes, I have thrown thousands of dollars into the economy with my post secondary education, I'm a good person who cares about others, I send out public service announcements when there are things the good people of Prince George need to know about. I would say I make plenty of contributions.When the motion was first put forward to recognize Quebec as a nation within Canada I was under the impression it was a territory sort of thing, as it, the Province is a nation within Canada, but then Premier Campbell said the Aboriginal should be given the same recognition and talk shifted from Quebec as a province to the Quebecois as a people. Therefore, since it no longer appears to be a question of physical land, but a question of people, I declare myself a nation within Canada.Welcome to Jessicadia.

Apparently Christmas will cost $18,920 (and 59 cents) this year. Well, that's what I read on MSN this morning. They ran a story about what the 12 days of Christmas would cost in today's world. That's up $571.72 from last year apparently. Who knew? Seems a little extreme, though, doesn't it? So please, I don't want anyone to go overboard this year...I'll be satisfied with just 10 days of Christmas...12 just seems excessive!

Sunday, November 26, 2006

that's right. out of ginch and out of socks, and I didn't have any coins for the washing machines downstairs, so I washed all my ginch and socks in the kitchen sink. It's not like I couldn't have got quarters, but the machines only take OLD quarters, as in, before 2000. Anything newer just gets spit out, so it's ridiculously difficult to get enough quarters to do a load of laundry. I hate the machines. I need to figure out something different to do here because laundry in the sink...well, it's not a lot of fun. Though I did save close to 2 bucks....so maybe it's got its perks...hmmm...aside from the wrinkly fingers I now suffer from....

I dreamt that I was going to England. It's getting pretty foggy now that I've been awake a little while, but from what I remember at first it was Bill and Jessica and myself planning the trip. We drove to Edmonton to catch the flight, and then it changed and it was me and Maureen...but our flight didn't leave until 1am or something like that, so we were trying to kill some time in Edmonton. It was and Edmonton I've never seen, and even though it was nighttime, it was still bright as day. I remember being so happy. I dream about going to England a lot. Every month or two, but this time was different because I have my passport now, so I wasn't scrambling to find it or terrified that I would be stopped by customs. I had packed really light and was totally ready to go. I was so excited to get there. I must have been on the verge of waking up through parts because I was aware of having tried before but never made it because of not having my passport. I couldn't wait to get there again...but I woke up before I did...I tried to go back to sleep, but couldn't. I want to go back.

Friday, November 24, 2006

I don't know what's the matter with me. I'm feeling so lonely and blue. I feel like I should write about what's bothering me, but the last thing I want to hear right now is "it will be alright" or "don't worry, things will change". I just feel like such a failure when those words of encouragement don't help at all and it just makes me feel worse, so please don't. I think I'll just cry for a while and maybe that will wash things away.

Thursday, November 23, 2006

I was walking through Sears this evening and felt so terribly lonely. I know, what a silly place to be lonely, but I was. The store wasn't very busy, but it wasn't deserted either. They were playing Christmas music, which under any other mood I would be furious to hear what with it being November 23rd, but it was an instrumental version of some Christmas carol and it reminded me of something. Some Christmas from years ago I go, not a specific time or a specific memory, more of a collage of all of the Christmases since I've been old enough to shop on my own. I saw a couple I know shopping, but I know them individually, so to see them as a couple made it seem really sweet. They were laughing and talking with someone they knew and I walked on by without saying anything. They didn't notice me anyway. I kept walking around the store looking at the tacky decorations and equally tacky Christmas cards and thought about how much fun it would be if I were spending an hour browsing the store with my special someone and actually enjoying the browsing. And I felt very peaceful, and very lonely all at once.

The title of "boyfriend" and "girlfriend" is a tricky one. The point I'm getting at is that technically, Brad is my boyfriend. We are not married, so he is not my husband. We are not engaged, so he is not my fiance. The issue I have with the term is the broad spectrum of relationship stages it encompasses. To me, he is more than my boyfriend, yet, how do I get that across to people? The term "Partner" sounds so...lesbian. Yet, boyfriend, to anyone who is not familiar with the specifics of a relationship, sounds unstable. "Boyfriend"s come and go. How is it possible to get across to someone who doesn't know you that a relationship is secure when the term boyfriend has been used? I ask because I fear the term "boyfriend" may have sabotaged my chance of making a move in life, and I'm worried about doing damage control. Thoughts?

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Talking to my good friend tonight on MSN. She told me that things are going amazingly well with her new boyfriend, something I was delighted to hear, especially because she had been dating a guy I commonly refered to as Dickface...and when I say "commonly" I mean I refered to him as Dickface when I was talking to her about him, or my friends, or my parents, or, well, pretty much anyone. So things are going really well, they've known each other for about 6 months, and I guess he knew from day one that she was the one for him and was determined to get her. And now that he has, he's not letting go. She told me they're looking at buying a house in the spring and looking at engagement rings! I'm so glad that she's found someone who makes her so happy, and that loves her daughters and that her daughters love...it's wonderful to hear. It does make me wonder though, what makes it "the right time"? Most of my friends who are married were dating their partner for around 5 years before they took the next step, but then you hear about people like this who just know from the get go. How do you know?

Feeling super grumpy at the moment. I had a pretty good day at work, but I find my hold on sanity here is so precarious that at the drop of a hat I can be pissed off. It just takes a small something to set me off and make me totally angry and completely throw off the decent day I was having. Today, that thing that set me off was something that went wrong in my 5 oclock cast and then the way a co-worker dealt with it. I won't go into further detail here because, well, I don't know who reads this and I don't want to say something that I will regret later. Needless to say, it was rude and uncalled for and I'm choked. Partly because I didn't say anything. I know I SHOULD have said something, but honestly, if I had, it would have turned ugly on both sides. But it still bothers me when I don't say something after I've been spoken to rudely. It reminds me of the way I used to let people walk all over me and I hated being that person. Now I stick up for myself...well, most of the time, anyway. I guess it's a matter of picking your battles. Still, it pisses me off, and now I'm grumpy and really aggitated. ARGH!

For all the good it did last time, I'm going to say once again, wish me luck! Yet another application thrown out there...who knows...and who knows if it's even a viable option for me as a job. But I can't help but think what's the harm? Even if it's not an ideal job, there's no harm in applying, right? Who knows. I'm actually back to liking work a little more, and hopefully things will keep getting better, but that just means I'm back to making a choice between work and Brad again. Ok, so it's not really that much of a choice, afterall, I don't love work anymore and I hate PG and always worrying that I'm going to get mugged on my way to the car from my apartment, and I want to start a life with Brad again, so it's not much of a choice, but it's more of a choice than it was.

I'm looking for a friend, an old friend to be exact. I've reached the limits of my internet stalking capabilities and still haven't found her...and trust me, I'm good at this. I met Kezi when I was still in highschool: grade 11, I think. We would write long emails and councel each other over relationships and life. Sounds pretty nurmal, doesn't it? Well, the difference is she lived in England and we met over the internet. Maybe not as weird as it would have sounded 7 or 8 years ago when we first started talking. We really hit it off and kept in touch for about 4 years when Maureen and I went to the UK in May. We ended up making a stop off in Kezi's city and sleeping on her floor (all of the hotels in the city were full becaus eof some sort of convention, who knew?). Now, I'm trying to find her to try again to say...well, hello. But I don't know where to go from here. So I guess I'll just throw it out there...Kezi, if you're around and happen to stumble across this, Jess says Hi! And drop me a line or a comment or something... (oh, she had a rottweiler named Lucca last time I saw her, hence the picture)

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Well if this isn't one of the strangest winters I've seen in a long time, you can call me the Pied Piper...I guess it hasn't been too strange here exactly, but a few weeks ago there was the snowstorm in Smithers with widespread panic that PG would follow suit. Then a little snow, which melted for the most part, then the crazy wind last week, and crazier wind over the weekend, and now a steep drop in temperatures expected and a full on snowstorm this afternoon. I had to sweep about 2.5 inches of snow off of my car when I left work at 6, and it had only started snowing around 3:30 or so...the snow was falling so heavily I couldn't see more than a block ahead of my car. It was very odd. All I can say....I hope some asshole is enjoying my two back tires...and my enjoying them I mean I hope they spontaneously combust and leave the person careening into a ditch where they will not be injured, but will be totally fucked over for transportation.

Being the industrious little squirrel that I am, last night I set the few remaining dirty dishes from Brad's visit into the sink to soak overnight. A time saving measure...soaking=less scrubbing. Apparently, however, my tap has a leak.I stumbled out of bed this morning, turned on the radio as I always do, and went to the kitchen to turn on my coffee maker....and thought, "What the hell, my foot is wet...why is the floor wet?" Because my sink had apparently overflowed throughout the night due to the constant drip of water. With a less than mental groan, I went to the closet and got my mop and set to the task of mopping up the lake in my kitchen. Apparently my kitchen floor has a slope to it too because the water had seeped under the fridge. So there I was, in my ginch and bra, moving my fridge at 7:35 this morning wondering just who was laughing at the irony of the situation (in trying to be clean and save time I ended up losing even more time than it would have taken to just scrub the dishes in the first place).And, for some reason, the part that bothered me the most about the whole experience, was that when I went into the bathroom to finally have my shower, I looked in the mirror and saw that I looked tired, rumbled, with greasy hair sticking in every direction...generally pretty crappy indeed, and I thought to myself "why, if I have to do something as awful as move my fridge to mop up water at 7:30 in the morning, can I not at least look hot while I do it?"

Sunday, November 19, 2006

You would think, after nine months of doing this, it would be easier to say goodbye. You'd think we would be used to it by now. But it gets harder each time he leaves, each time I leave. It gets harder to say goodbye and to just let him go. Despite the promises that we'll be together soon, that the next time will be more permanent, it still breaks my heart to watch him leave.

Saturday, November 18, 2006

Tonight is Brad's last night here. We went to the BX to watch the UFC fights (ps. Georges St. Pierre KO'd Matt Hughes...SNAP!!!), which was a lot of fun. I'll be the first to admit I don't know a lot about the sport, especially the technique, but I really love watching it. Whenever people find that out about me then tend to look at me with a look that says "you just like it because Brad does" and I'll admit, I only started watching it because he did, and it's really not the sort of thing I would have thought I would approve of, much less appreciate, but I do. It's extremely impressive how physically prime these guys are! And you can really tell the guys all respect each other...there's very little trash talk, it's more about getting into the best form you can and doing the absolute best you can physically, not trying to psyche out your opponent. It's pretty exciting too...Seriously, I challenge you to go to a bar where the UFC fights are playing and watch the whole event and not get a little swept up in the thrill.

(*ps, for girls who think it's a boy-thing to watch...think about it this way: totally ripped, sweaty men in their ginch...nuff said)

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Prince George was damned close to blowing away last night, or at least that's what it seemed like. For several hours I was pretty sure I was back in Saskatchewan. Winds gusting up to 90 kilometers/hour...pretty decent. Brad and I were watching house and the lights started to flicker...I was getting ready to have to bust out my candles. Unfortunately I have a very meager supply of candles at the moment. Luckily, BC Hydro* prevailed and the power did NOT go out...well, for me anyway. Apparently about 6000 people in the city were without electricity until around 4 this morning, but I must say, kudos to Hydro crews for getting things up and running so damn quick! That's impressive really.

(*For those outside of BC, BC Hydro is our electricity company, so-named because our power comes from generators hooked up to dams: water power, ie hydro)

Monday, November 13, 2006

I woke up yesterday morning still congested and feeling cold-infested. My left eye kept watering too...and it didn't stop watering, but instead got all red and puffy and gooey. Yup...I got pink eye. Lord knows where I got it or why, but I'm not impressed. I mean seriously, who gets pink eye?! Other than me. And I can't even remember the last time I had it...I think I was about 7 or so? This is just stupid. But, luckily, I am dating the most wonderful man in the world and he's been nothing but sweet to me, taking care of me, making suggestions for how to deal with the discomfort, and insisting that I'm cute, even though I'm pretty sure I look more like Quasimodo.

Sunday, November 12, 2006

I had a dream last night that I told off a certain person. I flat out told him he was a worthless sack of shit and didn't deserve anyone's time. He was (probably understandably) a little upset by my comments, but it felt really good to tear a strip off him and tell him that I didn't trust him, that he treats other people like shit, that I think it's disgusting how he lies to everyone even those he claims to care about, and that he needs to grow up. I told him I had no use for him and that he could just go away. I love that I always get the chance to say whatever I want in my dreams and be as harsh as I could ever imagine...that I can let my inner-evil-bitch run rampant and no one actually gets hurt.

Saturday, November 11, 2006

Just a quick update: Brad arrived safe and sound (if not a little tired) last night and we had dinner of BP in the living room and watched Ghost Whisperer before going to bed. It's snowing today, but it's a wonderful day because it's our 2 year anniversary today. Sigh...my apartment looks so much better with him in it!

Friday, November 10, 2006

This is what I found when I left my apartment bound for work this morning. Yep...some asshole shithead fuckers stole my back two winter tires. As Bill put it, it seems to be the capper to a shit-week. I've been so careful too...making sure the club in on my car, making sure there's nothing visible inside it so there's no temptation for theives to break in, and what happens? Some little shits decide to take my tires. For the record, I am sick of this town shitting on me. Stating for the record: I hate Prince George very very much today. And, to top things off, just as soon as I got off the phone with the RCMP, I got a call from the ND in Swift who wanted to chat, and me, feeling like a doofus, had to tell him that I might have to go suddenly because I was waiting for the Police to arrive because I've just had my tires stolen. Oh the up-side, a HUGE thank you to Hartley for offering to help me out financially with the replacement, to my Mum who said "oh for shit sake!" when I told her and who then told me not to worry they would help me out, to Brad who told me he would take care of it, to Mare who repreatedly offered her help from the Okanagan, to Carol who offered to get me a really good deal of replacements, to Bill for buying me a gigantic Chai Latte, and to Wil for picking me up and driving me to and from work today. Without those who are willing to go out of their way, I would probably be a sobbing mess right now. As it is, I'm just pissed off. (oh, and the jack...not mine...don't know where that came from, the cops figure it's stolen too...nice of them to leave it behind)

Thursday, November 09, 2006

Here we go...one more sleep! Brad gets here tomorrow! Tonight is clean sheet night, I vaccuumed the house and did the dishes and, well, that's about all I have the energy for. The other good news? Tomorrow is FRIDAY!!! WOOT! I love Friday! And hopefully *fingers crossed* they'll have some sort of decision on the news director position tomorrow...or at least some progress. That would be really nice. This is getting very very exhausting, and to be honest, I don't know how much longer I can do this for. I know it wouldn't be so bad if the newsroom systems didn't keep crashing on us, and if I weren't so friggin tired all the time, and if I hadn't gotten sick. Then I'm sure we could handle having only three people for a little while at least...but everything together...well, it's just way too much to ask. So I've got my fingers crossed and god willing, I won't have to throw a fit in the newsroom...not that I would EVER do that...hahaha...uh...hahaha.

Still feeling pooey today, but not nearly so much...just tired. uber uber tired. But the good news is, only ONE MORE SLEEP! till Brad gets here. Hopefully, if it's two then that's alright too because I would rather he took his time and stayed overnight somewhere if the weather gets crappy on the roads.Yesterday, around 4:30 or so, Paul Mann, the big Suit of Vista came to the station. He wandered by the newsroom and, upon seeing me came in and said he didn't think he'd met me yet. I said no, introduced myself and shook his hand. Seems like a nice enough guy, definately a sales person...maybe I should have told him I'm rife with germs...?

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

I guess it was bound to happen. Things have been so stressful at work, and I haven't been sleeping well at nights, so it was really no surprise when I started to feel really crummy yesterday at work. I started on the Cold-fx yesterday afternoon but by 8 last night I felt like shit. Sore throat, exhausted, achey and my skin hurt. I went to bed early too...just after 10. But by 4 this morning I woke up fully fevered. I think the fever broke around 5. I guess I somehow dozed off again but work up at 7, just in time to call Bill. I felt so stupid calling...it's Wil's day off, so I really couldn't take the day off...but I also knew I would probably pass out in the shower if I had to get up and go to work at 9. So I called and said "I have an absurd question" and asked if I could come in after lunch. He said that was fine. So I slept until 11, got up, forcefed myself some pasta and cereal bars and a little bit of coffee, had a shower, got dressed and went into work. I hate being here and risking making everyone else sick, but there really isn't any other choice. We're totally stuck. This is what happens when a company is totally understaffed. I must give shout-outs to Pope and Whitey who both generously donated their packages of Cold-fx to me...which I think are working a little. If nothing else, just as a boost to the immune system to keep me from getting worse. So, here I am at work, feeling like poo, wishing I could be home, with an array of vitamins, pills, advil, water, and tea spread around me. And seriously, when I tell my mum, she's going to be right pissed off at the station for putting us in a situation where we're so understaffed that someone with the flu can't take a day off.

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

I SHOULD be sleeping right now. But, quite clearly, I am not. I hate insomnia. It's been a very long time since I actually couldn't bring myself to fall asleep, no matter what I tried, and thus, I had forgotten how unbelievably frustrating it is! Obviously Counting Sheep aren't all they're cracked up to be...look at this guy, he's pissed off!

Monday, November 06, 2006

It's a good thing I recognize that I'm too old to go trick-or-treating for halloween, or it would have been more like this:It's Monday...and thank God it's over. Talk about hitting the brickwall...I ran headlong into it about 30 minutes after getting into work today, and I got there 15 minutes early. I was so hoping to feel refreshed after my weekend of loafing around, but apparently not so much. Oh well, tomorrow is Tuesday; a day that I have generally always sort of liked...not sure why, and pretty sure that's going to change soon, but for the time being...oh hell, I can't even pretend to keep my chin up. I hate work. Booo...LALALALALA

Sunday, November 05, 2006

Still in my jammies...it's 2 oclock. Yup. That's about the kind of day this is shaping up to be. If I feel ambitious enough I MAY go to Wal-mart...possibly. Hard to say at this point. I just got off the phone with Mare after a 2 hour and 17 minute conversation. I miss her. She agreed that she should have been there last night and we would have whooped it up.

I went to Wolf Fest 3 tonight...David Lee Murphy with the Poverty Plainsmen opening the night. It was...well, it was alright. I feel so disatisfied with my social life right now. I really enjoyed talking to Jessica, Kelly, and Christina...but it gets a little frustrating for me to try to talk to people at concerts because I tend to have a hard time hearing when there are lots of people around anyway, and when it's really really loud, it makes it even harder. I really wanted to talk to them...but...oh well. And I was so greatful for them being there. I'm finding it increasingly difficult to go to social things because I always feel like I'm the odd one out. Most of the commonplace-staff-stuff that goes on is mostly just guys. I like it when GLo comes out because I can talk to him: he's married. The other guys are either too touchy feely, or they just don't give me the time of day, which I can only imagine is because I'm taken. So, unless GLo is there, or Pope, I only have Heather to talk to. She's great to talk to, but she spends a lot of time with Docc, which is totally understandable, what with their being, well, whatever they are...but it doesn't leave much for me to do other than sit around. Which is, ultimately, why I don't go out very often, and why, when I do go out, I generally come home early and feeling a little melancholy.I feel like that tonight, though it's not because there weren't many people there. Like I said, I really liked talking to Christina and Kelly and Jessica, but well, it was so loud it was a lot of work to have a conversation. I wanted to dance, but there was no one to dance with...and, well...yeah. I don't know. I guess I'm just lonely. I miss Brad. And I miss having Mare at these things.

Saturday, November 04, 2006

I talked to Brad tonight briefly, and became very homesick. Strange to be homesick when you're sitting in your livingroom, but it happened. I was homesick. He went to Swift Current for the weekend and was hanging out with Nick and Kim and joking around. He's never all that talkative when he's in Swift, usually, I assume, because he's around other people. The guy's got an image he's gotta uphold. haha. I don't know. I just wished that I was there. That I was hanging out with them too. Sigh. I know that things will happen eventually, it's the waiting and wondering and feeling like I'm hitting a brick wall continually that starts to get me down. There isn't enough coffee or wine in the world to make this work properly.

I decided today, in light of Heather's return home, I would go and shovel her driveway and clean off her car. So, I bundled up somewhat in my new raincoat over a hoodie and my boots and went to go and do a good deed. I went to Whitey's to get a shovel and went over to Heather's where, sure enough, her landlord had NOT cleared the driveway. First off, I decided to clean off her car. There was rougly 7 inches of snow on top of it and a solid sheet of ice on the windshield. But, while I was cleaning off the car, I started to feel heavy drops on my head. I looked up, and sure enough, it had started to rain. Big, heavy drops of rain. So I decided to buck up and deal with it and continue with my snow removal. I cleared a good portion of her driveway. The exersize made me really hot though, so I took of my raincoat and proceeded to get utterly soaked. I ended up giving up halfway through the driveway clearing only enough of a path for her to get her car out. Nothing like half-assed good deeds. Seriously though, this is going to be one hell of a mess if it freezes over night. I hate winter.

Not that it's any surprise to those who know me, but apparently I'm not capable of going to sleep thinking about something without it apearing in my dreams. Last night Maureen and I were talking about Jeff and Erin and how strange it is to have drifted so far from them. I've been drifting for the past, well, three years, maybe more, but every now and again it comes back to me how far we've gone from each other. The last time I saw the pair of them was at Christmas last year. I've heard from Erin a couple of times since, but the only word I ever heard from Jeff came when I wrote to him to ask just how much trouble he was actually in (a lot, it turns out, but, in true Jeff style, he said it was no big deal). That's it. As far as they know, I could have had left the country, had a baby, maybe had a sex-change operation. They would have no idea. And apparently the same went for Maureen; she hasn't heard from Jeff since last Christmas, and only got an email from Erin on her birthday. Now, before this goes any further, in their defence, I haven't written a lot either, so it goes both ways. But it's very strange to think about how far people can drift from each other.My dream last night had something to do with seeing them and deciding I would go for coffee because I would probably never seem them again anyway, so I might as well make the effort this one last time and then forget about them completely. Harsh, huh?

Friday, November 03, 2006

Why yes, yes I am wearing headphones overtop of my toque. That's how we roll at the X. A thanks to G-Lo for helping out and taking the picture, and for piping up and stating totally clearly that we liked and owned the toques with earflaps before they were cool. We are trend setters. Everyone else is a phoney. And to them I say "Take off, ya hosers!"

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

It only took a week and a half...or, I suppose, 10 days, but things have returned to some semblance of normalcy in the newsroom. We have a news program running with which we can compile and read casts (an itsy-bitsy, teeny-tiny, but ever so crucial detail). Yesterday afternoon, for the first time since Friday the 20th, I was able to read a newscast from the computer in the newsbooth and use clips as frequently as I cared to. I was not ashamed to grab the arms of coworkers who walked past the newsbooth and point joyously to the computer declaring (with an emotion edging on hysteria) that we now had, not only a server, but the program Newsroom up and running. Several smiled at me and made comments to the effect of "I think this is the first time I've seen you smile in over a week!" And, I say, no wonder!