Queen To Unveil Guaranteed Penis Size

THE Queen's speech will today outline plans for a minimum guaranteed penis size for everyone over the age of 21 and universal access to free chocolate custard.

The guaranteed minimum is expected to be around seven and a half inches

In her last parliamentary outing before the general election the sovereign will set out a legally-binding timetable for you to give up work and go and live forever on the Island of Champagne and Sticky Buns with either Sienna Miller, Hugh Jackman or Stephen Fry if all you want is a chum.

The government's wide-ranging legislative programme will also include a radical new bill that will make everyone who works in banking and finance really, really, really, really, really nice.

A Treasury spokesman said: "The bill has two specific purposes – one, to make bankers really nice and two, to stop lots of horrid bad things from happening. We're calling it The Lovely Bankers, No More Bad Things Bill (2009)."

Meanwhile the Flood and Water Management Bill will give councils the right to snoop on clouds and fine them up to £5000 if they attempt to rain outside their catchment area.

And a new Social Care Bill will help to protect the savings of Britain's elderly by setting up a network of new towns that look exactly like Guildford in 1954.

All goods will be sold at 1954 prices and residents will enjoy the same lifestyles they had 50 years ago, including the right to chase Pakistanis down the street with a broom.

The Treasury spokesman said: "We're also going to pass a law requiring us to halve the budget deficit over the next four years."

He added: "I know it is, but at this stage in the proceedings none of it makes the slightest fucking difference anyway."