I need to take another hiatus from this place but wanted to respond before I go.

Answer:PAIN

aka

Instinct, compulsion, undoing, mis-association of pain/pleasure, unbearable hurt, trying to take control of what was forced before, addiction, risk-seeking, proving we are bad, devaluing ourselves, many more possibilities and combinations thereof.

I am not married but have been in serious, committed and monogamous relationships. These are only a few of the reasons.

I can only say that it took me a long time to understand that it is nearly impossible to explain to an outsider and especially someone who is close to you.

I might recommend this - can you black box it? In other words, accept that it is not "ok," that it hurts you and that that you don't understand it? That sounds like it'd be very tough to do, but it might give you the most peace.

The only good news I can give you is this - I guarantee you that if he is getting good help and his recovery is proceeding, there will come a point when he will be able/willing/and determined to explore, confront and stop acting out (meaning all avoidant and self-destructive behaviors).

I wish you luck. It's a long road. Try to take care of yourself first and foremost.

I might recommend this - can you black box it? In other words, accept that it is not "ok," that it hurts you and that that you don't understand it? That sounds like it'd be very tough to do, but it might give you the most peace.

Well put! This is exactly what I have been having to do. I think the idea that understanding it will make it hurt less is flawed.

My T gave very good advice to my ex-girlfriend. She told her to protect herself when I would get the most PTSD/reactive. She referred to it as putting on her PTSD raincoat. I thought it was a helpful metaphor.

Acting out usually refers to putting oneself in sexual situations that are not healthy and often not about pleasure. Among the male survivors I know this usually means having sex with other men that is anonymous or generally not entirely respectful. But, a funny caveat - for a lot of straight male survivors, this is easy to identify, but I have several gay survivor friends who would describe some of their own activities as "acting out."

In other words - acting out shouldn't get overly identified with "straight" men having sexual episodes with other men. But sometimes it does, because it seems so f*cking weird to a bystander.

Another caveat, acting out is not about gender - I have definitely acted out more often through casual sex with women.

One more caveat - acting out more broadly (and not specific to survivors per se) also refers to self-destructive or volatile behavior that is usually an attempt to escape pain. So binging on drugs and alcohol or getting into a fight might be included as well.

And a final caveat - "acting out" never means perping others, in my experience. In fact, acting out is usually about trying to undo something bad that has already happened. Recreating the confusion and power dynamic of the abuse but doing so in a way that makes it seem safe or harmless or less exploitative. Perping someone else would not achieve that because it would make the horror of the abuse too real.

But I'm no shrink. This is just how I have come to understand my own past behaviors and its influenced by what I have read.

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