Your hair is thinning and you’re a fatty

I would never- ever- criticize my girl friends’ appearance (at least not to their faces). Even if “Jane” clearly packed on 20 pounds (sans a pregnancy) or “Jen’s” hair looked frizzy and fried and out of control, I would not tell them- period.

And that’s a two-way street. They would never criticize me.

Guys, on the other hand, have no qualms about dishing out the criticism. It’s a way of bonding, I suspect, since they’re not going to get all soft and sweet with one another the way we females may. The way males relate to one another is unlike how (most) females interact.

I’ve always noticed this dynamic among men, and started thinking about it again last night. To set the scene: I was at a friend’s house watching the Giant’s game. The guy to girl ratio was about 2:1. Conversation, as it often does with this group, turned to (good-natured) teasing. The guys ribbed one another for weight gain over the years (that spawned from talk about who would win a belly flop contest) and compared hairlines (who was going bald/gray faster and what hairline change was the worst). Not one of them said a negative word to the women in the room.

Bashing appearance is OK for men since they’re not defined by appearance the way women are. Men do not suffer from anorexia nearly as often as women and most don’t invest the time and money women do in fashion and beauty regimes. An ugly SOB just goes with it, showing off his personality, his smarts, his wallet (or his “toys.”)

My friends (who are not ugly SOBs, I may add), like many I know, are brutal, yet no one takes offense. Everyone laughs at themselves- and at one another- and no one crosses the line (no offensive, inappropriate or too-close-to-home jokes).

It’s a dynamic that, as a female, I could never understanding, but one that seems to work.

I have a friend who is going bald on top of his head with a wicked receeding hairline. I tell him all the time that he should grow out his back hair (which by the way is practically a jungle) and do the comb forward from his back to his head!! I rip on my friends all the time… and trust me the make fun of me plenty too.

I have another friend who has the two front attack as he calls it … huge receeding hairline in the front and a big bald spot in the back.

Another one of my buddies I ask him all the time if he has a forehead or a movie screen up there…. I mean the thing is HUGE!!

The Germans learned all too well that the two front attack doesn’t necessarily work and I do believe, with many thanks to modern day medicine, there is relief in site and the perhaps the allies will be making landfall shortly!

I’ve got a friend, for sake of argument let’s call him Tokyo Tom, he’s also got quite the forehead on him, and it just keeps getting bigger by the day. I mean, that thing’s so big, it’s practically a fivehead!

I tell him all the time he should rent that thing out as advertising space, so he can at least try and turn a profit from his genetic shortcomings…

“Bashing appearance is OK for men since they’re not defined by appearance the way women are.”

I’m sorry, but just look at the ads in any men’s (or really, any) magazine, or the guys on The Real World, or ads for things like the Bowflex. There is definitely the same kind of pressure on men to conform to a specific standard as for women. This problem is just recently getting more attention since, as you say, less men suffer from easting disorders but those numbers have been growing and it is a real byproduct of societal pressures.

Men are certainly not defined by appearance to the extent that women are, but they are pressured in the same ways.

Anyway, what’s the overall point of this? That guys are honest with each other?

Redheads just do things better. We don’t allow ourselves to go bald or even grey. We’re also much better lovers. Unfortunately, we’re generally weaker than everyone else. For example, this ‘Big Cat’ guy could probably maul me in about 3-4 seconds. Tokyo Tom though, we could take him out no problemo.

since when arent we guys defined by our physical appearance? What, all of these guys are going to the gym for male bonding? Believe me, men are just as vain if not more than you ladies! We just arent as supeficial about things as you are! But we are deinately defined by our appearance and we are definately concerned with it as well!

Eating dissorders amongst men are on the rise? Is this actually documented somewhere?

Also, I really don’t feel that we can blame societal pressures for the eating dissorders of either sex but rather, one’s lack of self esteem and inability to cope with the realities of dealing with a population of people of all shapes, sizes, colours, etc.

The difference is that men are jousters and gamesters, verbally as well as physically. You’re going bald. Oh, yeah? You’re getting fat. Pass the pretzels. I’m going to the fridge, you want another one? Life hands us all a bunch of reality jokes. So we laugh.

Ha – you got a laugh out of me. Fortunately for you though, I am a passivist. Ghandi and I were quite tight and in fact, walked together during the Salt March. I don’t know him, but I’d watch your back for Tokoyo Tom.

I’d have to agree with you about being skeptical that eating disorders among males is on the rise. I can promise you that not one of my male friends has an eating disorder. In fact, we all went on a tubing trip a few months ago, and I have the pictures to prove it!

As much as I like sharing personal photo albums, the thought of viewing the photos of what I perceive to be documentation of overweight persons in bathing suits, based on your aforementioned discription, repulses me.

JTG – Sounds like your male friends may have another kind of ‘eating disorder’. I got a bunch of buddies & let’s just say, the ‘AFTER’ picture would require a much wider lens than the ‘BEFORE’ one.

And I’ve got an original joke for you to use on this ‘Tokyo Tom’ (no relation) fellow. Next time you’re busting chops on the size of his forehead, you should CASUALLY ask him if it’s a forehead or a movie theatre! Gets guaranteed laughs every time!

Kristi – I have to disagree with you on one point. Men do face harsh societal judgements daily about their appearances, especially from women. If you want evidence of this, go to Match.com or Cupid.com and under “men seeking women 35-45″ in the 12054 or 12110 area codes, it seems that many of the women who are under 5’5 are only seeking guys over 5’9 or 5’10. They don’t want to consider a guy who is 5’5 or shorter. (I’m only focusing on this group of women, since it’s understandable that taller folks might want to meet folks who are closer to their own height.)

Am I wrong here in wondering if there’s a double standard at work here? While guys in general have always been derided for focusing on the size of a woman’s chest /overall looks instead of appreciating her intellect/personality, it seems like it’s far more socially acceptable for women to openly use a guy’s height as a primary factor in whether to date him or not.

It seems men and women can judge each other and the opposite gender with equal harshness, but they do so in different ways and sometimes with more “cover,” depending on what is considered socially acceptable / socially conditioned behavior.

JTG … I didn’t realize your group of male friends account for the entire male population of the world. HELLOOO…hasn’t anyone noticed the male skinny jean fad lately? I’m not saying it’s becoming a sweeping sensation and ALL men are going to have to substitute the burger for the colonic, but sometimes you don’t need a scientific study to prove something. The proof is in the pudding. (or lack thereof.)

Good point Amanda. And, I think the skinny jeans example is an excellent one. The fad certainly didn’t catch on and I for one, found them exceptionally uncomfortable. Perhaps JTG is one of the few who are still trying to keep the skinny jean fad alive. Either that, based on his “Captian Obvious” notations, he lacks the sheer knowledge to truely understand the dynamic of Kristi’s topic.

Amanda most men are not as vain as women and that is why they are able to joke around with eachother. Men who are secure in themselves, confident and stable are able to interact as adults with other people (men and women). I for one don’t just joke around with my male friends but also my female friends. Anyone for me is fair game as I would expect I am for them as well!!

I am glad that you do not discrimminate and equally share verbal (I hope) blows w/ your respective friends. But tell me this, what do your friends have to say about you and in such, do both make and females jab you back?

Oh of course they jab back!! I can take a beating. I get made fun of for the clothes I wear (name brand only… mainly Lacoste). They joke around about my weight… my bad luck with women… pretty much everything!

Some men seem to have a trick mirror its ok for them to be fat , grey receding hairline, big nose etc As far as I AM concerned if you have dont have anything nice to say dont say anything at all I had an ex that told me I had back fat IM 5’7 105 LBS AND made a list of all that is wrong with me anyhow,,,,,,,,,,,,,,hes history !Im certain hes still making lists of others its like the ex bashing blog it just shows their level of immaturity and thats why they keep ending up alone time after time,,,,,,,

I also think woman are more tactful in helping other woman and men out instead of saying why are you dying your hair gray hair shoe polish black? A woman will gently say maybe a lighter color wouldnt grab Its ok to be honest but tactful and constructive not brutal ,,,,,,,,,,,,,

You’re heavy, wear only Lacoste shirts, and you have bad luck with women. One of your friends has a bald spot AND a receding hairline. Another one, you’re encouraging to get a combover from his backhair to his head (???). And the last one has a forehead that resembles a movie theater.

I’m sure you guys are just beating the girls off with a stick!

No wonder you guys sit around and make fun of each other, it sounds like there’s quite a bit of material to go around!

Seriously though, that’s great you guys are comfortable enough to all joke around and not have anyone take it too seriously. Nobody should take life too seriously, you’ll never get out alive!

I have to disagree with you kristi, I do tell me friends if they are putting on the lbs, or if their hair needs a good conditioner. I believe honesty is the best policy, and I want to know what is not looking 100% on me. Appearance is not everything, but the better I look the better I feel.