I’m going through a period of repose and it reminds me of the Japanese philosophy of Wabi Sabi. It touches on the three main buddhist teachings of impermanence, suffering, and emptiness. I suffered, I changed, and what come’s next can be found in the emptiness.

When I go into repose, suffering no longer effects me, my past has passed, I let go and when a person let’s go – the emptiness shines through. A new cycle begins. A new direction.

I wrote about my two-seconds with emptiness and without going into too much detail all I can say is WOW. Possibilities. Infinite possibilities.

Sinshwan: The only viable move is to not move.

That’s what I feel while in repose. To not do anything until I gather enough faith to see it out. To me personally, visualizing an outcome is in exact proportion to your faith. Until I have a clear visual – sinshwan bitches. Sinshwan till my little hearts content.

I’m now up to 121 members which means I’ll have an extra $1,000 added to my monthly budget. I sent out one email promoting the membership deal and it sold 17 memberships. My suffering can no longer affect me, I can take a deep breath – now I must incubate.

I am the picture of a working Wabi Sabi.

I’m like grass. I grow, I prosper, but just as I start to really reach, someone comes by swinging their big blade around and chops my head off.

In the meantime, the tall grass sits on their sunny perch looking down at me bowing their heads. “Don’t reach too far Melanie.” They all say. At least not yet. Not while your vision is still incubating.

I’ve been incubating all day and you know what? There’s no place I’d rather be than here in my room. Seriously, no place.

Which makes me wonder why exactly, am I going to Thailand for 5 weeks when I can see and learn all about it from here? From the safety and comfort of home?

Oh yeah, emotional connections. Learning through experience. I can practice Wabi Sabi all I want when I get back, only this time aged and changed to fit my new scale of beauty. A bit more ragged and refined.

Learning without having an emotional experience is like having two hands grow out of your heart trying to feel itself but never being able to. Just like a blade of grass getting its head chopped off. You’ll never see or understand anything. You MUST experience it through emotions.

You must sit. Then experience. Than sit some more. Each cycle is necessary. Each cycle no matter how redundant it may feel like to you, is a necessary step.

Waitressing from the ages of 18 – 28, necessary. Working at Massage Envy – necessary. Working in my own little stink-hole office – necessary. After each leap, there is a fall. There is a period of rest. Some leaps require more time to climb while some rests require more time to sit.

And with each new vision, the clarity of that vision is in exact proportion to how well you can clearly define yourself. How well and how authentic your actions fit in with your truest intentions. To know faith is to know yourself. It’s no easy task. Trust me, it taken 10 years of waitressing for me to realize what my truest intentions were; To drink and be merry. But as it is with all dreamers, I was never content. I knew something was missing but I never sat still long enough to figure out what it was. I was always being pulled either by friends, or an empty wallet.

In a few weeks my new therapist will work Tuesdays and Wednesdays which leaves Saturdays and Sundays as the only two days I have to work each week. All clients during the week will be by request only. In two – three months, I’ll have at least 150 members and once I reach 150 members, I can play out my vision. My vision in which my little business will tip itself into success. It starts with hiring a sixth employee to work my weekends. I’ll be free. Free enough to see even more visions.

When you take yourself out of stress, out of work, out of responsibilities, only then you’ll start to think clear.

If you’re broke, have no money – you’ll not think clear. If you pity yourself, feel inferior, are jealous of others – you’ll not think clear.

Thinking clear means finding your faith and it feels a lot like falling in love. You fall in love with your potential. You see yourself plainly. And if you don’t like what you see, you have the sight to see it and change it.

I’ve always been in love with myself. Ever since I can remember, I’ve always loved myself. I love who I am. I don’t know what it’s like to feel any other way, so I can’t teach anyone to love themselves when I don’t know what it’s like not to.

But I do have high’s and low’s. When a low hits, it’s because I stopped trusting myself. I stopped seeing my potential. My dreams remain in an untouched fantasy world and my head gets chopped off by people’s judgements along with my own self pity. Waitressing for 10 years left me with a perpetual headless corpse of a dreamer unfulfilled.

But no matter what happens to me, I’ll always find my faith again. Always. I mean, that’s what faith is for, right? Always being there?

People give up because they think it’s too late for them, or too much work, not enough reward. Let me just tell you, from all my years as a headless corpse – follow you damn heart and quit ur bitchen.

And until you have a clear visual, sinshwan mutha fucka sinshwan.

Sinshwan is where the biggest changes happen. As long as you know how to do it properly. The way to do it is said in this post. The totality of this post is the way into understanding transitional periods of incubation. A real turning of the chapter, you know?

It’s hard for me to say that 10 years of my life can fit into one chapter. But where there is no change, there is no need for incubation. Where there is no heart, there is no mend. Where there is no faith, there is no awareness of yourself. And where there’s no awareness of yourself, there’s no reflection, no understanding, no conscious development. Drink and be merry. Stay busy.

What’s in my head is so freaking hard to put into words. But I swear as if my life depends on it – authenticity and awareness of character is the center of courage, where it all begins.

Know your heart.

And my heart just so happens to be taking me to Thailand with a beautiful person in less than a month.

The ground evaporates under me and mists into cascading flowers floating all around.