"What it must look and smell like when a movie brain vomits. Truly worthless."
-Variety

Monday, May 31, 2010

Short Reviews - May 2010

Welp, another long and turbulent month comes to an end. For some reason I keep getting Bokeem Woodbine and Boaz Yakin confused. Maybe I'm a little scatterbrained, maybe I'm just a latent racist, mabye I'm a little scatterbrained... what was I talking about? Oh, right. I'm just so glad they finally got rid of the riffraff on the Rotten Tomatoes show. What a hassle. But my question is: why is Alfonso Duralde still on the show? In other news, I don't want to spoil it for anyone, but in the season finale of Breaking Bad, Hank makes a full recovery and opens a pawn shop in Las Vegas with his father, and his son Big Hoss.

Oceans - Why does this feel like that film they show you at the end of Soylent Green?

Sleepless in Seattle - As timely a message as ever: people with allergies shouldn't breed.

Kites - Brett Ratner presents... crap? Any reason to think otherwise?

Second Best - This movie's a loser.

Scott Pilgrim vs. The World - I kinda hope the world wins.

The Hard Times of RJ Berger - Ah, is there any more beloved cliché than a guy in school getting pantsed in front of gawking students and faculty? It sorta happened to the geek in American Graffiti. It definitely happened to the protagonists of Weird Science. A cinematic rite of passage, if you will. Why wasn't my school experience like this? And are there ever repercussions? Do the pants-ers get called into the principal's office? Do any of them come out of the closet? I just hope the fat kid that's Berger's best friend isn't actually just a ghost that only Berger can see. So cliché.

Inception - With a $200 million price tag, the Warner Bros. execs are hoping it doesn't suck.

Two Girls and a Guy - Nice try, Toback, but Jerry Bruckheimer's still not going to give you a job. Turteltaub's got National Treasure 3, Pirates 4's taken... G-Force 2 might be open, though!