Thursday Watch List: Comic Relief

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Welcome to Watch List, where we identify five things on TV to watch while you stay at home and crystallize the ginger. LET’S GO!

NIGHT OF TOO MANY STARS – 9:00PM (Comedy Central) Jon Stewart hosts this annual comedy benefit for Autism Education. It’s just like Comic Relief, only I’ve been told it will actually be funny, and will not feature Robin Williams doing a very bad jive impression. Scheduled to appear tonight are Stephen Colbert, Tom Brokaw (so funny!), Tina Fey, Steve Carell, Chris Rock, Lewis Black, Julie Bowen, Cedric the Entertainer, John Hodgman, Jeff Garlin, Ricky Gervais, Jimmy Fallon, Jim Gaffigan, Penn, Andy Richter, John Oliver, David Spade, Sarah Silverman, Triumph the Insult Comic Dog, that one guy from that one show (you know the one), two giraffes, the corpse of Richard Nixon, Albert Einstein, the Silver Surfer, and Santa Claus, who I understand does a killer bit about what it’s like to hook up with a little person. ANTICIPATION: STARSTRUCK!

CLASH OF THE TIGER QUEENS – 10:00PM (Animal Planet) I’m aware that this sounds like the title of a softcore porn film, but it is not. It’s about a turf battle between tigresses at India’s Ranthambhore National Park. Yeah, I now. It STILL sounds like porn. But I swear everything is on the up and up. ANTICIPATION: PORN IS A NATURE FILM WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT IT!

JERSEY SHORE – 10:00PM (MTV) The season finale ends with a massive fight between Pauly D. and J-Woww. Look out! Implants may rupture during the course of the evening. ANTICIPATION: THROWDOWN!

PROJECT RUNWAY – 9:00PM (Lifetime) It’s part one of the season finale, which means it isn’t really the season finale at all. They still have to cut away one person from the final four. I assume it’ll be Michael Costello, who’s annoying, but nowhere near as annoying as his tormentor Ivy, who was brought back in last week specifically to be a moron. If they bring back all the losers again for this finale, I will stick pins in the producers. Ivy is history’s worst monster. ANTICIPATION: SEWY!

THE OFFICE – 9:00PM (NBC) Timothy Olyphant guests stars, presumably to walk into Dunder Mifflin and shoot anyone who displeases him. I like this dark, violent turn the writers have decided to take. ANTICIPATION: BANG BANG!