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Tosches: Dumb states united for Romney

By Rich ToschesThe Denver Post

Posted:
11/11/2012 12:01:00 AM MST

Updated:
02/15/2013 03:21:37 PM MST

In this time of great division in our land, when the political disunity seems insurmountable and the nation needs healing, I almost hate to bring this up, but here goes: How come all the dumb states like Arkansas, Texas and Alabama voted for Mitt Romney?

Don't get me wrong. I love dumb people. Heck, I'm probably one of them. I'd slap a big 'ol NASCAR sticker on my car, if I had a car. Or a driver's license.

The trend began early Tuesday evening as I settled onto the chair I had fashioned from two milk crates, a rolled-up sleeping bag, and some plywood scraps. My wife, Becky Cindy-Jo, had once again beaten me to the centerpiece of our living room ensemble: the duct-tape-patched Denver Broncos' beanbag chair.

I had barely fired up our 1970s console-style TV — which can be converted into a fancy, modern "big screen TV" by sitting really close to it — when CNN projected that Kentucky had gone to Romney. I don't think they had even voted yet.

When Kentuckians blew out the last coal lamp and buried the last canary or "carbon monoxide detector," a staggering 61 percent of them had voted for Romney, apparently sharing his dislike of small class sizes and those relentless swarms of teachers.

Moments later, Mississippi went to Romney by a 55 percent to 44 percent margin, with the polls closing early so people would have some daylight left to get the hounds all cranked up for the evening raccoon hunt, which is generally followed by a few rounds of Mississippi Bingo (they don't use numbers).

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Obama countered with a solid victory in Massachusetts, the state Romney called "my state" because, as I understand it, he recently purchased it. Romney came back with a landslide victory in Georgia.

Let's review. Massachusetts, home to Harvard and MIT: Obama. Georgia, home to Honey Boo Boo: Romney.

Tennessee then rang up a giant 59 percent to 39 percent vote for Republican Romney. Tennessee, as you know, was named by Spanish explorer Juan Pardo in 1567 when he came across a Native American village named Tanasqui, which means "people whose houses are on wheels."

Next to go for Romney was Alabama, which, according to the 2010 U.S. Census, saw only 80.9 percent of its residents graduate from high school, ranking it 45th out of the 52 or 53 or however many states we have. (Mississippi is No. 1 in that category, with 21.2 percent of its folks having failed to graduate from high school.)

Obama then claimed Minnesota, the nation's top-ranked state with a 91.2 percent high school graduation rate. (Kids there study a lot, mostly in the morning as they wait for dad to thaw the motor oil with a blowtorch so he can start the car and skid them to school.)

Romney quickly countered with a landslide win in Louisiana, ranked 46th in college graduation rates with only 20.4 percent of its people having a degree. On a more positive note, 87.4 percent of them can debone a possum in under 2 minutes using only a stick and their teeth (tooth).

Halfway through my third bag of fried pork rinds, the trend was clear. The dopey states were going big for Romney. The smart states were all Obama. Take that college graduate-ranking thing. The top 15 states in that category are Massachusetts, Maryland, Colorado, Connecticut, New Jersey, Virginia, Vermont, New Hampshire, New York, Minnesota, Washington, Rhode Island, Illinois, California and Hawaii.

Every single one of those states voted for Obama.

From the bottom of the college graduation list we have West Virginia, Arkansas, Mississippi, Kentucky, Louisiana, Nevada, Alabama, Tennessee, Indiana, Oklahoma, Wyoming and South Carolina. On that College Ain't For Me list, only Nevada failed to vote for Romney — likely out of respect for Nevada Democrat and Senate Majority leader Harry Reid, who later this month will celebrate his 200th birthday.

And, of course, Texas — 49th in high school graduation rates, trailing only Mississippi — also went huge for Romney.

As a footnote, Texas election officials said some 43,500 write-in ballots for George W. Bush were rejected because the Crayon scratchings were outside of the box.

Rich Tosches also writes a column for the Colorado Springs Independent.