The more your thoughts churn, the thicker they become .

Tag Archives: free to me

I have gotten so used to solving dilemmas that I have forgotten, at times, how to slow down. One thing that Motherhood has taught me is that it is a necessity for me to spend time alone from time to time. If I don’t take care of myself by being able to do whatever I want uninterrupted for a reasonable amount of time, I start to feel overwhelmed…and at times, a little resentful that I don’t have space when I need it. (I’m working on that)
I have been gifting myself time alone as of late. I NEVER did this for myself before…and I’ll tell you, it almost drove me insane. I find that long, relaxing baths do the trick to slow me down. To make me take care of myself. My body seems at ease in a bath. If I had a stream out in my backyard deep enough to submerge my body in, I’d be out there too.

I choose a different essential oil (therapeutics) each time I bathe. Sometimes I mix scents. The scent, and the knowledge of how each oil is medicinal soothe me. They relax my body. They slow my mind. They have healed my skin tremendously. I have stopped drinking much alcohol at all. This has helped my skin too. (If you’re wondering why I’m talking so much about the health of my skin, catch up by reading my other blog posts about Dyshidrotic Eczema).

I have been having difficulties with accepting technology lately. I have been feeling like it is becoming an addiction to use a device on a daily basis. I’ll admit that it is mostly my I-Phone which causes this issue. I made a decision to switch from a cell phone with no internet and texting abilities to an I-phone. My husband and I made this leap together. I have had an I-Phone for 6 months. I told myself that I would write an article about the difference in my mind after making the switch. Well, here it is.

The Butterchurn Blog is essentially my journal. I’m allowing you to read my journal, in a sense…because I am typing my direct thoughts here to share with the world. I’m having an online conversation with both you, and myself. I have thought A LOT lately about this online space. Do I really need it? Is it helping anyone? Do I really need to be posting my personal issues onto the internet? The thoughts that came out of my mind as I went through all of the stages of grief over the issues that I have been dealing with over the past year or so… The anger, the pain, the sorrow, the self-loathing, the misery. I’ve written about the depths of my soul here at The Butterchurn. I have been there and back. I was in a very low stage of existence for quite some time. I was healing myself. I did it. I dealt with many of my life’s major issues:

Those were two big ones that I dealt with during the same time frame. I list them on their own, because I feel they were pretty difficult walls to break through. I am proud of myself for being able to survive the misery they have caused me.

I stopped dying my hair. It is salt and peppered, and crazy cool like the band Salt-N-Peppa. It’s great. I love to see people’s reactions to it. Somehow I find that people see me to be wiser than I am. I have accepted that it makes me look older than I am…but that it is somehow representative of my mind. Sometimes I question it, yes. Some days I feel old and crone like, yes. But mostly I embrace it.

Now, be warned…I’m going to say a lot of good things about myself in ‘this here space’ on ye olde’ internet. I want to be very clear that at all times I am constantly checking my own Ego. I was, after all, raised by a Narcissist. (yeah, I brought that back up…still healing, learning and growing…) I do not speak highly of myself here to come from a place of ego…it is more that I am finally coming from a place of self love. Really…think what you will if you think that’s a bad thing. We should all love ourselves. We should all love others. We should not place judgement on others. When we place judgement on others, we should look into ourselves to analyze why what the other person did bothered us…Why did we judge them?

I’ve been doing a lot of self-discovery lately. Lots of psychology going on in my mind. I am feeling my own self worth. I am really getting to know myself, and in doing so, I’m able to be free to be me. Allowing myself to love myself has helped my skin to heal as well.

So, I’m 34 years old. I have a lot of grey/silver hairs that I let be silver. My hair is representative of my state of mind. My state of mind as of late, has been to be sure to take care of myself and to remember that I’m free to be me. I also see these silver hairs as a trophy of sorts. I have been through some wild life experiences. Some painful ones. My hair has grieved with me. Perhaps that’s the cause. Who knows? Genetics are said to play a part in hair color. Why is it a bad thing for a woman of any age to not dye her hair. I’m not digging this social norm…so yes, my hair is also a statement piece. I refuse to conform to the program. That’s about what it is saying, if it could talk, that is.

I have talked about my hair color for so long to get to this point… “I’m not digging this social norm” could be said about my hair, as well as social media. I have had an Iphone for six months. My phone used to stay in my purse. Most of the time I never heard it ring. People would text me and I wouldn’t see it until hours later. I was untethered. Now, I’m pretty much on a leash. In fact, my I-phone is sitting just to my left, for easy access if needed. I see a problem developing here… How can I be FREE to be ME when I’m tethered to a digital device? This is considered to be a normal thing. This is the social norm I’m talking about. We are tethered to our devices. We use them to take photos, record memories, look at our calendars, listen to music, respond to messages, send messages, research, write, talk to friends, read articles, look at beautiful photos, watch funny videos, make funny videos, record ourselves on video, record our children on video, take photos of our children, take photos of ourselves, take photos of everyone we meet which we have befriended…the “Phone” is not just a phone. It is a device. A mini computer.

I mean, I get it. It’s a fun world. It just frightens me a bit, because I’m such a naturalist at times. I prefer to be completely free and untethered and usually outside. I just read a book to our boys entitled “Mr. Tiger Goes Wild” by Peter Brown. I have already returned the book to the library, so I can’t quote its message exactly…but I’ll do my best to relay to you what I took away from the story.

The book, “Mr. Tiger Goes Wild” is about a tiger who gets tired of walking upright and acting proper and being just like everyone else. Mr. Tiger wants to be free. He knows he is different. He stops play, playing along… He stops wearing his hat “GASP! But we all wear hats!” He doesn’t care for small talk, so he roars instead “HOW RUDE!”, He stops walking on two legs “That’s not the way it’s done!!” He stops wearing CLOTHES! “ AHHHHHH Gross!!!!” and eventually his friends get tired of seeing how wild he is being, because they are embarrassed by him and his actions. They tell him to go into the woods and act that way if he wants to, but that he shouldn’t do it in the city. They tell him to go away because he makes them uncomfortable. He makes them question themselves.

Meanwhile Mr. Tiger goes, naked, into The Nature of the Jungle, that is just outside of the city (and society) where he has spent his life. He gets to do whatever he wants there, outside, with the plants and insects and amphibians and reptiles and other creatures who live there. No one is there to watch him or see him, because all of the other mammals are living in buildings in the city. He goes wild. He swims, he plays, he roars, he chases, he leaps, he sings, he plays…

but he eventually gets lonely and bored and starved for interaction with other mammals.

While Mr. Tiger was away, his friends began to miss him. They started feeling bad that Mr. Tiger, now “Tiger” had left because they told him to. They had been thinking a lot about the way Mr. Tiger had acted. Thankfully Tiger came back to the city. He decided to wear the costume they all wanted him to be in so that they would be comfortable with him and accept him. They welcomed him home, a bit free of their guilt over the way they had treated him.

When Tiger looked around, he could see that things had changed since he had been away…animals were walking around on FOUR LEGS! (Yes! That’s the natural way for animals walk!), People were not wearing HATS! (That’s ok! We don’t all have to).

Overtime, the consciousness of the animals grew collectively. They began to accept each other. Tiger eventually became dude-like, and decided to wear comfortable shorts and a floral, fun shirt. He was really loving life.

I hope that our Human Animal Society can take a clue from Mr. Tiger and his friends. The collective minds of the people of the United States (which is the society that I’m a part of) is indeed growing. Our Nation has voted to accept homosexuality. We, the people have begun to stand up (again) against racists. We are becoming accepting of all colors of skin and all nationalities. We grow and learn together, as a nation. I can only hope that we may learn to treat each other with more respect to our differences.

Sometimes (Okay…OFTEN) I dream about being like Mr. Tiger. I dream of going into nature, away from others to be free of the expected societal norms. To be different. To be the change. Being free of technology is a part of this change I’m talking about. I don’t know if I want to have an I-phone any longer, sometimes. Then I realize that it is essentially a mini lap top that I’m traveling with. It helps guide me around, it answers my questions…and I interact with my co-workers through it. So…I feel as if I’m trapped to this side of things when it comes to the quest to be free. How can I be free if I have to be tethered to this device. How could I make money, friends and a difference in my society without it? It seems to be an important tool for our generation. Especially for the entrepreneurs out there… the dreamers. I suppose I have had to accept the fact that technological change has benefited me in many ways. Without the I-phone, I would probably not be as successful as I seem to be becoming in my life.

Since I’ve had this device, I’ve become a business woman. I now have a series of jobs. I write articles, conduct interviews and produce photo and video for The 29349 Inman Times Online. I am a freelance photographer for The Spartanburg Herald Journal. I often use my device to help me on the job. It has become my tool.

The problem with owning this device has become the addicting world of Facebook, but I’ll save that topic of conversation for another blog. I have vowed to myself that I am going to write more. I have been writing a lot, actually…but not here. I’ve been putting pen to paper. I can write much faster here, so chances are I’ll be back soon. I’ll be writing, somewhere… either online or in the old fashioned, natural way.

Thanks for being here. Please leave a comment about how this ‘article’ made you feel. What did it make you think about? I’d appreciate your input. I’m going to be writing more articles, because that’s part of what I’m paid to do now. This is good. I believe that writing more will be good for my soul. Maybe I’ll write more outside…