Pages

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Love.

The kind of love that you witness in the movies. The tortured affairs, the unparalleled passion, the laughter, sweetness, and heartbreak. It is something I always thought belonged to someone else. Someone who's life was simpler. Someone who was more beautiful or smart or funny or charming. For two years after Tallulah was born I actually beleived that true love did not exist outside of the bond inherent in parent/child relationships.

And then there I was. Dancing again. I rediscovered not only the woman inside of me that was aching to be released but my inate passion for dance that had been laying dormant for 3 years. And I fell in love. Though it is difficult to see where the dancing ends and the love begins. And maybe that's the way it should be. When I watch the movie "Walk the Line" I see 2 people who are so inextricably bonded by their mutual passion for an art that to separate the music from their love is impossible.

In the last 4 months I have been battling my feelings. I question their reality, their logic, their reason, when in my heart I know that love defies all of these brain driven aspects. A friend told me recently that to watch us dance was to see a connection so seemless it was like seeing two people become one. If that isn't real, what is? But it's dark, and it hurts, and it falls apart and comes back together. More often than not I am wishing that the feelings would just go away, simplify the situation.

It was only this morning, after far too many swoops in this amor rollercoaster, that I realized how truly blessed I am to have found this feeling at all. Tremendous torment withstanding, I wouldn't trade any of it. I have said several times to whatever shoulder I was crying on at the moment that I was afraid to let go. That it takes my breath away thinking that I may never feel again the way I do when I am with him. And I still feel this. We are not together. We may never be again. But I feel outrageously grateful that I have felt, truly and sincerely, with every cell in my body and every fiber of my spirit, an all encompassing love.