Daily observations on whatever comes to mind. (Look for a lot of posts on food and gratitude. ;)

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Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Mom

I had the best kind of dream last night. My mom gave me a great big hug and told me not to worry, that she knew.

Two days ago, the writing prompt for my 750 Words entry was "The last time I saw her, she..." Of course, the first person who popped in my mind was my mother. She contracted cancer when I was 18 years old and died from it in 1991 when I was 20. I'm afraid I wasn't the ideal daughter during this time, and it's something I've regretted my entire life since, my only life regret, in fact. I loved my mother, our relationship was fine, but when she got sick, I distanced myself from her. In hindsight, I can plainly see why I did that, but it doesn't change how she must have been hurt by it, and how ashamed and awful I still feel about it.

In my writing entry, I fiercely apologized to her and expressed all the things I should have said to her and all the things I should have done for her at the time. I wondered if she knew that I loved her, if she understood what was going on with me and forgave me for it. My mom sacrificed a lot for us, my brother and me, and I failed her at the worst time of her short life.

Last night, in one of those lucid dreams that feel amazingly real, she walked up to me with a knowing smile and gave me the warmest, most loving hug. I could feel the warmth of her body and smell the scent of her unique self. I could feel the love she felt for me and I returned it. We just stood there, holding each other, and that was the dream.

UGH! Here you have me bawling at my desk as I was just looking for a way to spend my last 10 min before leaving for our 4 day weekend! Well I dont know if it was my pregnancy hormones or not, but I feel dearly for your pain and regret. And I honestly believe that your mother really came to you in your dream and knows what you feel in your heart and wants you to be at peace finally.

Thank you, Loralyn. It was a cathartic experience and I'm out on the other side now. I appreciate your compassion..you are a dear friend. Enjoy every single moment with both your daughter *and* your mother. Happy New Year!