NBA draft bust Greg Oden admitted he punched his ex girlfriend in the face and hurt her pretty badly. Couple Oden’s massive career frustrations with heavy drinking and penchant for domestic violence and he is an excellent candidate to become a constant fixture in the prison system for the next several decades. Oden really would be the perfect cell mate. He’ll have stories about his days on top sending dick pics to groupies and the lows of his tibia exploding into dust when he stepped on a corn nut wrong. Oden is twenty-six but already looks older than Red from Shawshank. He’ll have an air of wisdom which will command respect in the yard. He will have to stay away from the basketball courts because in the joint they don’t play that bitch style NBA ball and Oden would surely sever his spine while being boxed out by a five foot Mexican named Nugget.

If there’s any justice in this world, Oden shattered bones from his fingers to his shoulder when he struck his girlfriend. It’ll make him more limber when his new cell block buddies prove that a seven foot tall man can fist himself given the proper motivation.