Dating, Slut Shaming & the Post-Coital Fist Bump

In honor of me coming down with the flu, we’re going with a little classic Bedhead today. This piece originally ran on “The Buzz: Good Vibrations Online Magazine” on September 25, 2012. It’s an all-time favorite of mine.

You’ve just had an awesome first date. Really awesome. So awesome that you are now lying in bed basking in post-coital glow. Which of the following do you say to your date?

a. Wow, do you usually do that on a first date?
b. Wow, I never do that on a first date!
c. Wow, I wasn’t expecting anything like this, you sure surprised me!
d. Wow, you don’t waste any time, do you?

Trick question, they are all wrong. If you selected any of the above answers please stop dating immediately. I mean it. Cancel any pre-existing dates. Suspend any online dating memberships. Make your mom stop giving out your number to eligible singles. If you have any flirty g-chats going on right now just close the window- do it! I’m totally serious here. You have identified yourself as undercover slut-shamer and must be taken out of rotation before you can hurt anyone.

Oh slut-shaming, indulged in everywhere from the school-house to the house of Representatives, I’d say it’s giving baseball a run for its money in terms of being the National Pastime. In the last year alone the US has seen high-profile slut-shaming at the hands of Rush Limbaugh and Bill O’Reilly as well as a nationwide slut-shame free-for-all that erupted against Kristen Stewart. The practice is infuriatingly ubiquitous but just in case anyone out there is still unsure of what we’re talking about, slut-shaming is the act of making someone feel guilty or otherwise inferior due to their sexual desires or number of sex partners. I consider it another really awesome side-effect of rape culture. It is mean and makes people feel like crap. In case I’m not being clear about it, allow this awesome 13 year-old girl to explain.

No one deserves to be slut-shamed. There is not a time when the practice is appropriate. Doing it always makes you wrong but there are a couple of times when it is straight up “express train to hell” worthy, and in my opinion, to your partner post-sex is one of those times. Why would you want to do that to someone who you presumably just had a damn good time with? Someone who has just made themselves vulnerable to you? Someone whose body I’m willing to bet not an hour earlier you were running your hands all over as if you expected to find the meaning of life written in braille on their ass? Why would you devalue everything about the time you spent with that person by calling into question their morals, values and frankly, aptitude for choosing partners? For a lot of folks, dating is fraught and stressful enough without worrying that their allies with abruptly turn into adversaries, especially while everyone is still naked.

So, here’s what I propose: Respect. Respect for yourself -don’t act like a douchebag. Respect for your partner -don’t say horrible things to them. And, my personal favorite, respect for what just went down (some pun intended). Let us review the salient facts: 1. You just had an awesome first date! Do you know how rare that is? 2. You just had sex! Basically, the two of you are rock stars and should be getting down like Akon. Whether you spend the rest of your life with this person or never see them again, whether they are your new FWB or that friend you just realized you probably shouldn’t have sex with, hold the space for the badassery that just happened. Enjoy it. Honor it. Celebrate it. To that end, I’m a fan of a little something I call the Post-Coital Fist Bump.

In case you’ve been trapped under something heavy for the last few years, the fist-bump is a not-so-distant relative of the high-five, it is pictured above and has, in recent years, been popularized by President Obama. Of note, the fist bump is recognized as a sign of respect (Yay, respect!) One of the things I love about it is the way it conveys camaraderie. I’m a huge fan of Sandra Daugherty’s Sex Nerd Sandra podcast and something she mentions often is “Team Fun”- the idea that when we’re in bed we’re on the same team and we’re there to have a good time with each other. The Post-Coital Fist-Bump is a way to recognize your team and acknowledge its job well done. It’s fun, it’s a little silly and it’s a great way of saying to your comrade in sexy arms “That thing we just did – awesome! We rock! Go us!” What about that doesn’t sound fun?!

So, now that we’re clear on respect, awesomeness and fist-bumping do we think we’re ready for slut-shame free dating? Let’s see.

You’ve just had an awesome first date. Really awesome. So awesome that you are now lying in bed basking in post-coital glow. Which of the following do you say to your date?