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Author
Topic: Well Bless My Back Door (Read 7278 times)

True to his word, Matty the Damned had an appointment with the Almighty Frau Eva yesterday to discuss amongst other things, his blood pressure. She gave him medication for it and some free Valtrex for anal herpes.

And, seeing as it was a cold July day, she took the opportunity to look up my bunghole. Well, she and the medical student that was sitting in with her. A slightly bug eyed and diminuitive young Indian chap whose name I can't pronounce. So I've designated him Nervous Indian Student.

Now unlike many, Matty the Damned has no problems with having his pooper prodded by doctors and nurses. Considering that a sizeable proportion of the male population of Boolaboolabongbong and surrounding districts have examined his little treasure on numerous occasions it seems a bit precious to carry on when clinical types want to take a gander at it.

So I promptly dropped trou, assumed the position on the examination bed, presented my succulent flesh daisy and under Frau Eva's heavy browed and watchful eye, Nervous Indian Student donned latex gloves proceeded to make a hesitant examination. It went something like this:

NIS: Um, ok just relax.MtD: Oh I'm relaxed honey.NIS: -hesitates-MtD: No need to be shy. Many have gone before you. Come on Fingers, get into it!NIS: Um, great, ok um um. -prods lightly-MtD: Good lord son, put some muscle into it! The fucker will stretch a mile before it tears an inch. Bigger things than your digits have been in there.Eva: Ok, I think I might take over now.

Honestly, you wonder how they're ever meant to learn anything.

Shortly after this something strange happened. Something that has never happened in any medical appointment I've ever had.

Eva: So, have you had sex since last I saw you?MtD: Yup. I've been fucking my friends partner.Eva: Using protection?MtD: What do you reckon?Eva: Of course. We'll do a full STD screen. But I'm required by law to have a discussion with you about disclosure.MtD: What?Eva: Disclosure. Your obligations under the Public Health Act 1991.MtD Fuck me dead, don't tell me you've bought into this bullshit as well . . .

That's right. Fucking disclosure. During a doctor's appointment. It's not enough that every second thread of the cretinous prattle that passes for debate in this place is about disclosure, now I'm copping it at my medical appointments. Not once in the 17 years that I've been going to STD clinics have I ever been asked about disclosure.

It turns out that since there's been a spate of prosecutions down here regarding failure to disclose, doctors now have to "have the chat" with their HIV positive clients. For legal reasons. It's utterly outrageous and I place the blame squarely on you people.

That's right, you lot.

Just because people are too drunk, stoned or just plain fucking dumb to insist that their partners use condoms is not a reason that the rest of us have to be subjected to this disclosure drivel on every possible occasion. Everywhere I go there's some fool chattering on about disclosure.

To quote Aunty Doxie, it's starting to get on my last gay nerve.

But enough with the angry rant. I should have my blood test and other results back sometime next week. Provided I've not dropped dead of a rage induced stroke.

I would have love to been there when you disclosed. ("Mark, Bill, Tim, oh Tim twice, John, Fred, oh I was with him three times. He's good. Tracy, and the mate I don't remember his name but I do his member.")

Roughly roundabout somewhere in the eighteenth or nineteenth century, Sodomite begat Homosexual out of moral, medical and legal models, bequeathing him Identity, who inbred with Nuclear Family and Industrialism to spawn Homophobia.

Now we all know Matty was laughing his ass off going out the door. Picking on that new intern like that. Matty, you should have let him get to know first. Two fingers up your bum is in no way getting to know you.

I'm sure you flirting with NIS definitely made for good conversation with him telling his own version of your appointment. And how dare Frau give you the disclosure chat, now that just sucks. Now, how would ya like a little Queen in ya?

Oh they were atrocious. We finally settled on a result of 190/120 and the Frau made threatening references to hospital. I uttered profane refusals, she issued me with some stop gap medication to reduce the immediate risk of stroke and flicked the matter back to my GP, Lady Jane for a more considered review.

"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

For some strange reason this reminded me of the poems 'CATS' is based on...probably because of the mystery cat...but in this case 'MyCavity'....sorry, that really did just pop into my head.And if the students can't take it,they shouldn't be in the job! (but please, no more foreign doctors in UK please, we'!re having a little local difficulty!)And that is NOT intended to be offensive to vast majority of hard working dedicated medics EVERYWHERE, just English humour trying to deal with the situation

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I know i'm going to enjoy the party in the afterlife, but do you all mind that I'm going to be VERY late!!!

Matty,You brave soul! Legs high in the air - defying gravity. Yet, ye who yonder the regions of Matty's "out back", beckons from within...a small faint voice..."pull me out"! I am sure the NIS was trying to grab the rope.

Nothing in the world can take the place of Persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent. The slogan 'Press On' has solved and always will solve the problems of the human race. Calvin Coolidge

I'm sorrry OFFS get a sense of humour! OK, you have the right to express your opinion but PLEASE, take this thread how its meant, with irony....Sorry just POTF with people who cant cope with the 'twisted' method of coping with this. I dont offend deliberately but for Fs sake, no harm or offense was meant..........

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I know i'm going to enjoy the party in the afterlife, but do you all mind that I'm going to be VERY late!!!

I have been LMOA from the first post of this thread. My sides hurt so bad! Oh shit!If it helps you my demon friend, I was found to be criminally hypertensive at my last review as well.Does the equation of 210/106 mean anything to you? Tee Heeeeee........I had a "pap smear" on the 25th of June, by Rachel, and am sad to report that I hollered HEY! HEY! HEY! ..loudly three times as she continued to jack the aperture of the speculum........... loudly claiming all the while, that my "cervix was hiding"!! HAH..and HAH again.My perfectly regrown hymen was ruined. Alas I am worth nothing on the open market.Bless my cherry....it has been fouled again.......Damn the nine years of chastity.

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No Fear No Shame No StigmaHappiness is not getting what you want, but wanting what you have.

I had a "pap smear" on the 25th of June, by Rachel, and am sad to report that I hollered HEY! HEY! HEY! ..loudly three times as she continued to jack the aperture of the speculum........... loudly claiming all the while, that my "cervix was hiding"!! HAH..and HAH again.

hehehe.... at least you limited yourself to a polite "hey"! eh? The last time I was faced with a ratcheting speculum I shouted something more along the lines of "OW! WTFFFFF!!!!!" Damn they get carried away with that thing! I'm sure I saw a speculum in the Tower of London's dungeon display. Sheesh!

"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Well Lisa, I think I have you beat. I know I had sex right after Clinton was elected the first time. I think that was the last time anybody has dallied in my valley.

So, that means its been WAY too many years. I regrew my cherry, for all the good it did. Now, unlike MtD's "flesh daisy," I have a condemned label - and the cherry has mysteriously turned into a prune?!?

And people wonder why I get excited at the thought of an anal pap smear.

And how are the butt flowers, MtD? Shall we be giving 1-800-Flowers a little competition any time soon?

(Hilarious story, btw)

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"Love is always patient and kind. It is never jealous. Love is never boastful nor conceited. It is never rude or selfish. It does not take offense and is not resentful. Love takes no pleasure in other people's sins, but delights in the truth. It is always ready to excuse, to trust, to hope, and to endure whatever comes." - 1 Corinthians 13:4-7, adaptation in A Walk To Remember

Well the whore's blossoms had healed by the time Frau Eva and NIS had the singular honour of looking Matty the Damned squarely in his brown eye.

The Frau loaded me up with 10 free Valtrex tabs and took an HSV antibody test. I'm told that even if I'm antibody negative I may still have herpes. I'm pretty sure it is herpes. I've had just about every other STD known to man and beast (and probably a few that haven't been discovered yet) so it seems appropriate.

Your poor little chocolate starfish! He must live in fear, or is he the undoing of MTD?

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Roughly roundabout somewhere in the eighteenth or nineteenth century, Sodomite begat Homosexual out of moral, medical and legal models, bequeathing him Identity, who inbred with Nuclear Family and Industrialism to spawn Homophobia.

Matty, I have an idea that your own personal LPT port is much like the briefcase in Pulp Fiction. A mysterious golden light must shine when people open it.

At least, that's how I'm imagining your appointment... Frau Eva and NIS gazing at your butt with this heavenly light shining upon them as they gaze upon your plumbing with awe and wonder. That makes me happy.