I finally stood up to my narcissistic abusive father, but I'm expected to apologise?

For perspective, I'm 17 and about to sit my A levels in a few days. This is a long one lads and laddettes. I'll try to cut bits short.

Friday night, I was asked to drop everything I was doing and cut the lawns for my dad. I ended up accidentally running over the garage keys with the lawnmower, completely destroying them. Turns out we had spares, so I started laughing about it. My dad came out to see what happened and was obviously unhappy about it but didn't seem angry. He comes out a minute later and says I've done a shit job and should do the lawns again. I go back inside once I'm finished to ask him how to put the garage alarm on, and he just starts on me. He called me a "useless piece of shit" and all this. I tried to walk away but he wouldn't let me, so I ended up saying "I'm not taking this from you anymore". Well, he just exploded. Told me to get out the house. I got upstairs to grab my phone and car keys and discovered he'd smashed up £400 worth of MY computer equipment (punched the monitor, smashed the desk mic and snapped my headphones), which I paid for. I tell him "you didn't have to smash my computer up you know" to which he replies "I'll break more than that in a minute". I took that as a physical threat considering his body language. He tried to chase me to my car and I told him "don't you dare come anywhere near me". I had to lock my car and wind down the window to say what happened was an accident but that he overreacted completely. He threatened to cancel my car insurance and told me not to come home.

I went to my grandparents, where I currently am and will be until the end of my exams. He'd phoned them telling his twisted version of the story and was calling me a piece of shit to them. When my grandma tried to defend me he told his own mother to 'f*** off'.

They're on my side, as is my whole family. My grandad was saying he won't ever speak to him again after this. He sent me a long message about an hour after I got kicked out, basically telling me that I'm useless, inconsiderate, ignorant, arrogant, unempathetic, inconsiderate and ungrateful. He said I'm a "pretend adult". He said he didn't think he'd overreacted at all. He said I'm ungrateful because he financially supports me but I show him no respect (I wonder why?). He was blaming me for everything, and most of all said I "must change". Of course I didn't reply.

My mum came to talk to me yesterday, I told her that I'm putting my foot down and not accepting the emotional and physical abuse from my dad anymore. He's a narcissist and has anger management, I'm convinced of it. He's never supported me emotionally ever. He hates what I'm interested in and does everything to stop me doing it (video games, airsoft etc.). Of course I feel for my mum, being stuck in the middle of it, but everyone has a red line and I've snapped. My whole life I've had these bust ups with my dad, but never like this, nor over something so minor.

My mum wants me to apologise to my dad and not say anything to antagonise him further, all for the sake of "keeping the peace". Trouble is, I don't want to apologise, nor do I feel I should. If I apologise now after what he's done to my property and how's he behaved towards me and my family, he'll keep doing it. I know that because all I've ever done is apologise
after he's exploded at me, just to keep the peace, and it's happened again and again. I might not be doing the situation justice in this post but you get the idea.

I'm doing my a levels currently, which is the worst time for him to have done something like this. Whilst I don't want the aggrevation right now, I want to tell him how I feel and the effect he has on me and others, rather than apologising again for some short lived quiet time. I have come to have enough respect for myself, despite his abusive behaviour of the years which have made me feel so low and shit about myself, that I won't put myself in that environment again. My mum has given him what for apparently and I'm hoping my reluctancy to come home might spur her to stand up to him for once.

What I'm asking really is, do you think I should apologise and hope it doesn't happen again (which it will), or do I stand up to him? Whatever the out come, I will get myself to university and I will be fine. I'm concerned for my mum more than anything.

@billybill:
That's what I believe too. I don't trust that apologising will make this time any different. The only reason I asked the question is because of what my mum wants me to do. But yes, you're right. It's my mum's choice to stay with him, not mine.

@Anonymous:
The reason your mom wants is probably because your dad would shout at her for her bad parenting. I know it has nothing to do with her parenting , it's about him.I'm just interperating from your mom's perspective.

If your grandparents are willing to keep you until you start university then that's great. Are you getting a loan for university? Going to give your car back or get a job to pay for insurance? You will need to consider your next steps logically if you want to distance yourself from him.

I completely understand what you're going through. My mom had extreme anger issues and called me all sorts of names and would fly off the handle at nothing. Even had a fist fight with my sister.

I ended up moving out and not speaking to her for 6 months, and then she finally apologised. However, that was easy to do because I had a boyfriend to help me move and I had saved enough for University.

It sounds like your dad doesn't see what he has done wrong or admit to anything, so I doubt any amount of time will make him come around. Christmas may be a big eye opener for him if you're still not speaking.

I am sure its happened all your life and will continue because Narcissist are never wrong ever. I have a sister like this and in my entire life she has never been wrong. I have no relationship with her what so ever.

You just have to do what you have to do in your life. It is your moms choice to live with him or move on.

Odd he was set off by that. Did you do a shit job with the lawn? Did you have an attitude or a big mouth? Do you typically piss and moan and complain about tasks/chores? Or do you show him a level of respect and deference?

Usually in every father’s life there comes a time when his son gets too big for his britches and needs to be put in his place. It happens usually once...and at around your age. Not saying that’s what happened, but something to consider.

@Kingslayer:
I was apparently doing a shit job with he lawn, so I get shouted at for it which makes me not want to do it.

There's more to it though. I understand I can be moody and disrespectful at times, I think everyone can be. My father, increasingly so throughout my teenage years, has dished out verbal abuse and threatened to hit me on numerous occasions. Things like "little s***", "c***', "lost cause" all this kind of stuff. I don't tend to answer back, until now of course. He appears nice and friendly to friends but as I and my family know all too well, he's got some anger management issues with a large dose of narcissism. Something exactly like this will set him off.

Blah, blah, blah. Until you're old enough to support yourself, do as you're told.

Use his azzholery as motivation to get a great career and get your own castle. Until then, do as you're told, keep your head down and make plans to get gone and stay gone or at least return on your own terms.

That's a very sad situation and i'm sorry you've had to go through that! i think it was very brave for you to stand up to him and good on you. Enough is reallyy enough and you need to stand your ground and not apologise otherwise it just makes it seem his behaviour is okay. It's tricky because its your dad but that still isn't an excuse for him to treat you like shit, remove that from your life. Be proud of yourself!

@Anonymous:
While I don't condone the name calling, I can understand a father being upset that his kid can't even be bothered to do an adequate job of cutting the grass, a task that even the dumbest person can do. And since I don't see you as being stupid, I would be thinking that you intentionally half-assed it.

Just to piss him off. Which is why you laughed in his face.

You know, while you believe that "He's a narcissist and has anger management, I'm convinced of it. He's never supported me emotionally ever." have you ever thought about how your actions and attitude are perceived? Perhaps your father is frustrated because he is trying to prepare you for adulthood and you don't really seem to be anywhere close to that? Think about the letter he wrote to you and then take a really good look at yourself and what you wrote here.

Your parents have spoiled you, bought you everything, and you just think it is your due. I would bet that your father is really more angry at himself in that he, and your Mom, have failed in their duty to prepare you to be a man who can be self-reliant. I'll bet he isn't an abusive narcissist when you expect him to support you through school.

@tomodachi58:
Dude, I don't do shit to deliberately piss him off. You're making quite the extreme assumption. Why would I intentionally half ass it? There's no point in that. You can't be assuming I'm spoiled just because I'm annoyed at my dad for his toxicity, regardless of whether he's financially supported me. I make do with what I have, and what I'm given I appreciate. I saved for a year working a pub job to buy my computer only for him to destroy it - you must understand why I would be angry. I'm a shit at times and I know it, but I try to do something about it and learn from my mistakes. My dad on the other hand continues to explode at me for minor things. I appreciate what you're saying but your judgy tone doesn't help.

@Anonymous:
My "judgy" tone? What did you expect, that you would write in and everyone would just agree with you and give cyber ((HUG))s and cute emojis?

I've read your replies to some of the folks who answered you. And I really have to wonder if you really DO learn from your mistakes. But then again, I am not privy to what happens in your household beyond the glimpses you've given us here. I will agree with you that he has crossed the line from exasperation to disgust, and that he is wrong to call you names and disparage you.

But like every other situation that I see people write about here, I always wonder and ask myself "Why?", why is this person acting as he/she does, what could have motivated that action, whether good or bad?

Your father has apparently just given up on parenting you, whether that is temporary or permanent I can't tell. But you have lost any respect that he may have had for you and your relationship is now adversarial. I'm intensely curious as to the dynamic between he and your mother when it comes to you. But at any rate, they have both failed as parents in one of the most important tasks required of a parent - preparing their children for adulthood.

So, DUDE, I guess you have a decision to make.

1. You'll have to decide if you want to be a man and own up to your part in it, and try to repair the damage with your father in some very frank conversations. But I will warn you in advance, if you come into it with the little pissant attitude you've displayed here, it won't go well.

2. Decide that you're going to succeed in spite of him. You're going to show him that you can not only survive but thrive on your own. You don't need his money or help and he can stick it up his arse. Got the balls to do that?

3. Continue with the status quo and hope Daddy's tantrums don't translate into cutting off the financial pipeline.

My circumstances in life were remarkably different than yours, but at 17 I was on my own, making my own way in life. I sort of chose option 2 above. It wasn't easy to go it alone, but there is nothing more satisfying in life to see your efforts and hard work pay off and know that you did it without help and are beholden to no one. I raised my three sons to be self sufficient and prepared them for adulthood.

You think about that when you read this, and try to understand how a man would view you and what you've written here. And maybe you will see the way to go with your father.