03.23.10

It’s a bright and sunny afternoon in Austin, TX but down in Hades, shit’s most assuredly frozen over. Ladies and Gentlemen, the Boston Globe’s Dan Shaughnessy has actually written a funny column. In the wake of former Red Sox SS Nomar Garciaparra signing a one-day minor league contract in order to retire in a Boston uniform, Shaughnessy imagines scenarios in which Roger Clemens, Manny Ramirez and Grady Lady take part in near-identical p.r. stunts (“Larry Lucchino said a ceremony honoring Grady would be held at Fenway this summer, but he was evasive when asked if Little™s number would be retired and fitted for space on the right-field facade alongside 1-4-6-8-9-42.”) But the coup de grace has to be Shaughnessy’s fantasy retirement for the played that cruelly dubbed him Gordon Edes’ “Curly Haired Boyfriend”.

“I’ve always had a recurring dream, to be able to retire in a Red Sox uniform,” said Carl Everett, wearing his old No. 2 jersey. “Today I get to fulfill that dream and retire as a Red Sox . . . I always tell people Red Sox Nation is bigger than any Nation out there. It’s good to be back.”

Asked to explain Everett’s chaotic final days in Boston, and the deal that sent him out of town, Sox GM Theo Epstein shrugged and said, “Trades happen in baseball.”

“When the history of the Red Sox is written again there will be a very large and important chapter devoted to Carl Everett,” said CEO Larry Lucchino.

“He was great offensively, great defensively, and most importantly to me, a great teammate,” said knuckleballer Tim Wakefield.

Lou Merloni, another of Everett’s former teammates, attempted to interview Jurassic Carl after the news conference, but Everett head-butted Merloni, then said, “Bye, bye, bye. Anybody from the Globe, get the [expletive] away from me. “