So, as you might imagine, I was really excited to stumble across the doorstep of her blog last week. My excitement turned to dismay, which quickly turned to awe, as I read Annie's writing about her husband Gerry's diagnosis of multiple myeloma, a particularly complex form of cancer. Annie's writing is beautiful, funny, and heart-wrenching. And something about it really struck a chord with me.

She wrote about the particular challenges of going through such a difficult time, after having recently moved to a new city. Although Robb and I have been in the Bay Area for a little while now, I totally understood what she was getting at. Neither her family nor ours has the kind of deep-rooted local friendships that we have enjoyed in our previous homes.

In Robb and my case, I think we had been jumping around the country so much (Maryland, Alabama, New York, Texas, back to Maryland, Connecticut) that I think we sort of got out of the habit of making deep friendships. When we arrived in the Bay Area, most of the people we met had busy, full lives, and frankly, we were so taken with the Bay Area itself that we spent most of our time doing solitary activities like hiking and skulking around in the woods looking for tiny hidden artworks.

I think it might surprise many people to hear that both Robb and I are very shy. Sometimes I feel like Mister Darcy in Pride and Prejudice (minus, alas, the great wealth and vast estate).

Bingley was by no means deficient, but Darcy was clever. He was at the same time haughty, reserved, and fastidious, and his manners, though well bred, were not inviting. In this respect his friend had greatly the advantage. Bingley was sure of being liked wherever he appeared, Darcy was continually giving offence.

(Really, though, that's a subject for another blog entry.)

Two days ago, Annie Modesitt wrote the following on her blog:

Yes, it's hard for me, hard for the kids, but hardest for G. I never want to lose sight of that. It's easy to get very "me" centered - how does this affect ME? - but that's a little whiny when the issue is so much more serious for Gerry.

Me having an emotional meltdown does not make the situation easier for Gerry, which is why I tend to have them far away, usually in the car, away from the kids. There are a few friends I feel that I can melt in front of - and I do - but not as many as I had back in NJ and I miss that greatly.

It takes time to develop the kind of friendship that allows you to be a slobbering, snotty-nosed, weepy, red-faced lump and not lose your dignity. Not that I don't do that in my classes, but that's performance art.

I was so moved by this that I left her the following message on her blog:

I've been a fan of your design work for a while, but only stumbled on your blog last week. Strange as it sounds, I found your writings about what you've been going through a huge source of inspiration.

A little over a year ago, my partner fell from a ladder and broke his spine. Six weeks in the hospital, paralysis, all sorts of scariness, learning to do the day-to-day stuff with his new levels of ability....It has been a crazy time.

We, too, didn't have loads of local friends. However, when Robb was in the hospital, my co-workers set up a schedule, and took care of so many things that I just didn't have the time or energy to deal with (meals, cats, errands). Now, that things have settled out, I no longer ask for help, although truth be told, I really could use some.

I wonder, though, if I could ask you for something. I wanted to know it I might quote a paragraph from your blog on ours? Your comment about not currently having the kinds of (local) friendships that allow you to bawl all over people expressed something that I've been struggling to say. Heck, the Performance Art aspect of what you wrote pretty much fits our situation, too.

I admire your use of your car for emotional breakdowns. When things were really raw for me, I developed the odd habit of running into stationary objects with my car. Your method is far superior to mine!

Hang in there! I find that in situations of great stress, you've just got to savor -- really taste and enjoy -- the things that are going well.

To which she wrote back:

Lisa - My heart goes out to you, girlfriend. I cannot imagine what you and Robb are dealing with - which sounds so trite (haven't you heard that about 10,000 times by now? But it's true!)

Dear, you can use ANYTHING off of my blog that you want. Let's email - if I'm near you I'll come and give Robb some knitting lessons and he may turn into the new Kaffe Fasset (if we're not careful...) I'm supposed to be in San Fran area in September. We'll see..

It sounds idiotic, but things WILL work out. You're both plucky, it will suck, but even when it sucks like a hoover, life is beautiful. Put THAT on a pillow...

So, what does all this mean? Who knows? If I had any perspective on our situation, I wouldn't be feeling so scared and weepy all the time. Really, what I think it means is this: Attempting to have anything like a normal social life was so difficult when Robb got home from the hospital that we sort of "turned in on ourselves." I think we really need a couple of friends to invite us out to drink beers and remind us that there is more to life than my little worries.

Oh, and one more thing... I owe an apology to anyone who told me that our blog was really inspiring. At the time, I think I just sort of stared at you with a mixture of discomfort, and incredulity. It took reading Annie's blog to understand what people were saying to me and Robb.

9 comments:

Meet us for beers and I'll tell you about my kids who are functionally illiterate...? Really, the only thing that causes me the slightest bit of hesitation about moving is the handful of friends we've found this last year. xxoo hmc (who's possibly shyer than you, but will go play the ukulele for fifth graders tomorrow)

I'm an admirer of Ms. Modesitt as well. I do love her design and am mesmerized by her style of knitting, which she's demonstrated on the show Knitty Gritty. (I believe I still have the show where she's knitting dog sweaters and hats recorded if you've not seen it...)

And, please let's get together sometime soon. With the warm weather our little deck is just begging to be drunk upon (that goes for DA and Crowgirl, too!)

I have found that I have my best meltdowns in the shower. The kids can't hear me sobbing, my eyes don't appear red and swollen afterwards, and I can exfolliate my skin and my soul at the same time. Feel free to steal this tip.

But please, dear Lisa. Do not hesitate to sniffle and blow snot in front of me. After all, the day I met you, you were ankle deep in goose shit and were absolutely charming. These are the things on which friendships are based. :)

Squeezes -

LW *who is still looking for a 6'10" person with a 20" long neck and 5' long arms (but only a 3' long body) to wear the one and only sweater I ever knitted*

Lisa, I have read a few of your blogs since we "met" on the forum and have been very touched by your situation and Robbs. It is a heartbreaking circumstance, but you have both met it with such grace and determination that it IS inspiring to hear about your everyday trials. That in itself is so brave-to let your humanity be so exposed.

My world was once completely and suddenly blown apart and though it was something I recovered from, the experience has become such a part of my being that I cannot now imagine who I would be had it not happened. I know that the fear is the hardest part. Dealing with all that uncertainty and all the what-ifs. You have a right to rail against the unfairness of it all. Then you just go back to it and do the best you can. I see in your posts that you really DO have some perspective on the situation. Your appreciation for everyday treasures and moments of triumph are the fabric of life. Your support of each other and the love that you show is such a beautiful thing. Somehow, a "new" normal will emerge, and I have no doubt that you will meet these challenges with indomitable strength and humor if also a few tears. I wish you well.

Your blog is really inspiring to me. As someone who's faced a host of my own physical challenges, and as someone prone to those emotional meltdowns, I really identify with what you guys are going through. You face your challenges with courage and honesty and I find your reflections on your day to day life really inspiring.

I love me some beers, and I love good company - and I especially love the two together. I'd go have beers with you _anytime_. Name the time and place - or should I? I suspect we'd find a lot to talk about!

From the other side of the bay, in a loud, disorderly house with a bunch of kids and too many animals is a middle aged mom who counts herself among those made richer by you and Robb sharing your lives with us all. I gotta stop lurking so much and leave more thanks to you for all that you do..

I don't know if I can help in your endeavor to have a more normal social life (normal? I've never had a normal day in my life!!) beer sounds quite lovely-- I do believe I could BART my way over for some-- you've got my contact info-- count me in for a pint sometime soon.

I have also found that the car is a good place for meltdowns, however I have learned to do it while the car isn't moving, as it can be hard to sob and drive at the same time. During our loss I thought I would never find humor again, but reading your blog and seeing the humor you find around you certainly helped me. I have learned to accept my "down" moments and move forward when they pass.