this is some what long. but a classic. hopefully i dont offend anyone :S

Englishman, Irishman and scotsman on a building site - sitting on top of the building having lunch.
The englishman looks at his lunch and says " jam sandwiches again, if my wife makes me these again tomorrow i'll jump off this building"
The Irishman looks at his lunch " damn cheese sandwiches again , i get this tomorrow am going to jump off this building"
The scotsman looks at his lunch "corned beef sandwiches, if i get this tomorrow am going to jump off the building too!"

so next day and the 3 of them sitting on the top of the building and the englishman looks at his sandwiches "Jam again!?" and he jumps off to his death.
The Scotsman looks at his sandwiches "corned beef again?!" and he jumps to his death.
And the Irishman looks at his and he has cheese again and jumps off too.

afew days later at the funeral the 3 wifes are talking.
The englishmans wife says, " if i knew he didnt want jam i would have made him something else"
The scotsmans wife says "if i knew he didnt want corned beef i would have made him something else too"
and the irishmans wife looks at both the wives and replies "my husband made his own sandwiches!"

"Come forward Englishman and choose....death or mobo" thunders the chief.

The englishman draws himself up and puts his shoulders back. " I am a proud man and I choose death!"
The assembled pygmies gasp....there is silence.
"The englishman chooses death" says the chief, " right lads, death it is.....death by mobo!!!"

The Australian Poetry Competition had come down to two finalists; a
university graduate and an old aboriginal. They were given a word,
then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was 'TIMBUKTU'
First to recite his poem was the university graduate.
He stepped to the microphone and said:

Slowly across the desert sand,
Trekked a lonely caravan
Men on camels two by two
Destination - Timbuktu.

The crowd went crazy! No way could the old aboriginal top that, they
thought.The old aboriginal calmly made his way to the microphone and recited;

Me and Tim a huntin' went
Met three slappers in a pop up tent They were three, and we was two
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the
> "Chicken Surprise"
>
> The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.
> Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the
> pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes
> looking around before the lid slams back down.
>
> "Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.
>
> He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for
> it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes
> looking around before it slams down.
>
> Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is
> happening, and demands an explanation.
>
> "Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"
>
> The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."
>
> Ahh. so sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck"

13. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed,
is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," said the vet, "let's
have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy"

14. Two elephants walk off a cliff... boom, boom!

15. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

16. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can
you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster,
go for it."

17. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5
people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my Mum
or my Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think it's Colin.

18. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery
acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the
other one off.

19. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving
today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.'
So that was nice."

20. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in
several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore."

21. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a
small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and
rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night

The following may be of help to first time visitors to Scotland for those that are travelling from Down South (Englandshire way). Please find below a list of DO's and DO NOT DO's in our fair country. I hope they are of some help in allowing you to understand our social rules and etiquette.

It is considered bad manners for tourists to pay for drinks in Glasgow
Pubs. The biggest person in the bar (referred to as The Numpty) will be only too happy to pay.
i.e.:
BARMAN: That will be twenty pounds sir.
TOURIST: The Big Numpty over there is paying.
BARMAN: That will do nicely sir.
BIG NUMPTY: Welcome to Scotland.

In Highland pubs always ask for plenty of water when drinking the local
single malts, this tells the locals that you like it so much that you want to make it last longer. After your first sip announce to everyone in the bar in a loud voice "This is pish!" from the Gaelic Piesh Na' lavvy meaning Water of God.

Thurso is Scotland's largest hypermarket and multiscreen cinema complex
and is only a short taxi ride from Glasgow.

The Scottish Police force actively encourage tourists to take their hats
as souvenirs.

Braemar is famous for its miles of sandy beaches and has some of the best surfing in Europe.

Balmoral Castle sits on top of Ben Nevis near Sauchiehall Street in
Edinburgh. There is a cable car from Edinburgh zoo to the top of Ben Nevis. Because of its height it offers all year round skiing and there is a revolving restaurant on the roof of the castle.

Often you will see men in bowler hats marching about playing the flute
and banging a drum. This is a multi denominational religious ceremony and the object of this procession is to collect pictures of religious leaders which must be stuck to the drum. Any images, particularly those of the Pope will be greatly appreciated.

There is a nocturnal thistle called a "Spiky Jessie" which is found on
Calton Hill in Edinburgh. As these flowers only open at night a trip up the hill is recommended. Just tell a taxi driver that you want to go up Calton Hill to take pictures of the Jessies coming out and he will be happy to oblige.

The Latin inscription on Edinburgh's coat of arms says "You'll have had
your tea?"

The most popular hotel in Glasgow is called The Barlinnie.

Old people are banned from Scottish towns on Tuesdays and Thursdays. If
you see any gently restrain them until a police officer arrives. This may also provide an opportunity to get a hat as a souvenir.

Glasgow operates a policy of plain clothed street bankers. As it is well
known that carrying small change can tear people's pockets, these bankers will approach tourists and ask if they have any spare change. Once given this money they will exchange it for coins or notes of a
higher denomination. In order to deter criminals, these Banker often
dress in a scruffy unkempt manner but they are all highly trained in finance.

Edinburgh zoo has an adopt an animal scheme and tourists may take home any animal they wish.

At many beauty spots you will find musicians playing the bagpipes. They
are employed by the Scottish Government to provide tourists with spending money which can be found in bowls beside them. Feel free to take as much money as you want.

William Wallace escaped the army of Oliver Cromwell by jumping over The River Forth at Perth on a motorbike.

If you go to a concert by The Royal Scottish National Orchestra it is considered impolite not to shout "Hoots!" during quiet sections of music.

Celtic are known as the Gers due to being formed by Gerry O'Malley a
Fruit importer who was the first man to introduce citrus fruit to Scotland. So if you walk into a pub filled with people wearing green and white say
"Up the Gers, I'm proud to be an orange man!" and you will receive a
warm welcome.

Policemen are known by the old Gaelic word "keech"

"Jobbie" is a word meaning a lot of effort has gone into producing something i.e. when you have enjoyed a meal, tell the waiter that it tasted like a great jobbie.

Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover he can't believe. He forces himself
to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirin next to a
glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack
sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Jack
looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. He
takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in
the bathroom mirror, and Notices a note on the table:

"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping-Love you!"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the
morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks "Son...what
happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 am, drunk and out of your mind. You broke some
furniture, puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the
door."
"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose and
breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh THAT! Mum dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to
take your trousers off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, you tart, I'm married!

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss' car.
(d) One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
(e) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.

8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
(a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
(b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
(c) Another set and we can hit the showers!

22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing:
i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone.
Hang up if necessary.

24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend"
have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was occurs.

25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.