No problem living up to the title ‘master of the remote’

Published 4:52 pm, Saturday, August 13, 2011

I was quite specific when I agreed to write this column. I told my bosses that I must have the freedom to write whatever I wanted. I would not waver from this position nor be relegated to a lower mission in life. I was to be unencumbered in the pursuit of truth and wisdom.

I have not departed from this stance. I knew there would be days when we would have to face the very foundation of truth in some of life’s rather weighty issues. Today is that day.

One of the most pressing issues facing the American family today is who should be in charge of the TV remote control. You see, I’m not afraid to tackle the real issues of society. You can depend on me to deliver the truth.

And the truth is — the man of the house always should maintain control of the remote. This really shouldn’t even be an issue. Women have the makeup to apply to the face, but they don’t come close to having the makeup to handle the remote. Without man, every family in America would lose the art form of watching TV.

My wife has no idea how to even work the remote. She was staring at it the other day and she asked me, “How do I record a program?”

I looked at her in disbelief and told her, “This is a little above your pay grade, but listen closely. Select the program you want to watch and press record. Did I lose you along the way?”

Of course, she has no idea this was just basic training. She still doesn’t know she can set a recording for a future date or set a recording for an entire season of shows. That would require a lot of teaching time. Anyway, it’s better to leave those things in my hands.

Men treat a remote with respect. A woman will lay the remote down and not touch it for hours, absolutely downgrading its usefulness and its family purpose. A man lovingly holds the remote from the time the TV is on until it is turned off. He will operate all functions during the evening without watching a single commercial.

The wife is content to watch commercials and bawls like a sheep when you turn back to your program of choice just a little late. You would think a crime had been committed. Yet the time away from the program allows you to check up on the scores or see part of a game. And you can’t leave the game until you see how a certain play turns out.

The wife has no idea how you can record two programs at once while watching another that was already recorded. She would be willing to let you watch some show you don’t even care about watching before she would watch a recorded show.

She doesn’t understand the art of watching five football games at the same time. She doesn’t understand the intricacies of finding a rhythm that allows you not to miss a single play among five games. In fact, she has the nerve to sit there and tell you to pick a game and stick with it. Are women crazy?

My wife has finally given up on wanting to use the remote, but she hasn’t given up on telling me how to use it. I keep telling her that the remote is part of my mission in life. She asks, “How do you know that?”, and I reply, “Because working the remote is the only thing in the world I’m really good at. Don’t take that away from me.”

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Thought for the week: We could learn a lot from crayons ... Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names, and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box.