This recipe is crazy easy, crazy boozy, and crazy cold. You know you're about to die from living in a boiling sewer swamp of oppressively hot stank. It's like walking around inside a muppet — you know those things are as dirty as they are wet from puppeteer hand sweat. That's what it's like. It's like walking around in Animal's armpit on the day he decided to switch to Crystal deodorant.

Anyway, this is a great way to start a recipe post.

Let's get down to the main event. You love alcohol and you love cold treats — why not combine that into a heat-busting main event. You can eat this for breakfast, lunch, and dinner (if you are gross and awesome), or you can save it until the evening and swim in a vat in it (if you are grosser and even more awesome).

You need an ice cream maker and these delicious ingredients:

2 cups water

3/4 cup sugar

1 1/4 cup prosecco or champagne

1 tablespoon lemon juice

It's so easy, okay. You just boil the water and sugar, and then simmer for ten minutes. Then, you let it cool completely, and then pour it in the ice cream maker. Stir in the prosecco and lemon and freeze. Done and done. Enjoy, my little steamed dumplings!