Sunday, August 14, 2011

books and boatshoes

i went to frenchies. i found mens size eleven boat shoes and two books. i was thrilled to find the boat shoes, no matter how big they are on my feet. i also am an avid reader, and was pumped to find two more gems to add to the collection. what should i do with my life, and angela's ashes. i couldn't tell if the first was a lame frenchies reject book, i contemplated this at length, because there was a hard cover version and a paperback, not a good sign. that fact alone put it in the 'more than one copy' section along with rejects such as what to expect when you are expecting, of which there was four, in a wide variety of editions. i bought the book. a well spent dollar fifty.
i have a rule not to start one book, before i finish the one i am already reading. it was a common problem as a child and i would never finish the potential earth shattering, however slow to start book i was currently working on. but that is just what i did. i pushed post-it note filled anna karenina to the side and opened back the first page of what should i do with my life.
i still am not sure if it is a suitable frenchies reject book. i think i am too biased and diluted with awe at how perfect the timing was that this book should fall into my hands.
i have underlined and dog-ear paged the shit out of this book. it confronted my fear that if i make a wrong choice now, it will fuck me for the rest of my life.
it talked about this old story of three men who were laying bricks. when asked why they were doing it, the first responds, 'i'm doing it for the wages.' the second guy says 'i'm doing it to support my family.' the third guy says (with what i like to imagine is a gigantic smile plastered across his face) 'i'm helping to build a cathedral.' i want my work to be like building that cathedral. i want to talk about my life and say 'i want to be a good parent', not 'i want three kids and a nice house.'
the stories reassured me that it all takes time. that i shouldn't freak out because i don't know what my passion is yet. that interests form into hobbies or volunteer work, which grow into passions; and it takes time, more time than anyone imagines.
when i started freaking out about all of this grown up business about five months ago, people told me many of the same things i am getting out of this book. but for some reason, these words of wisdom are just starting to click into place now. i guess i needed time to process it all, or time to let myself really hear and understand what my parents and friends were telling me.
i am reading stories of a business executive on wall street who left everything to become a catfish farmer in tennessee. he found his passion at 40. i am half way through the book and smile at how calm it makes me with each passing line.
i am 23 and i am discovering my passions in life. i'm okay with not knowing just yet.