An Open Letter to People Who Use Their Cell Phones at the Movies

To Anyone Who Has Ever Texted, Talked, or Played Angry Birds on Their Phone at the Movies,

For the love of all that is good and pure in this world, I am begging you to cease and desist. Do me a solid and don't even bring your phone to the theater (and also, don't ever mention the fact that I just used the phrase "do me a solid"). If you're convinced that you have a valid reason for using your phone during a movie, please consult the below list.

Valid Reasons for Using Your Cell Phone During a Movie

1.) N/A

If your reason does not appear in the above list, it's because there are no valid reasons to use your phone at the movies.

Even heart surgeons don't have an excuse; they've got pagers to let them know when something is going down. By using your phone during a movie, you're basically insinuating that you are A: more important than a heart surgeon, B: somehow saving lives by sending that "MOM CAN YOU PLZ BUY MORE CHICKEN FNGERS FOR ME I NEED THEM" text, and C: too cool for a pager. And we all know that none of those things are true.

The movie theater is a sacred place. It transports us Middle Earth, Hogwarts, a galaxy far, far away, and Never Never Land. It lets us stare at Joseph Gordon-Levitt or Emma Stone for 2 hours straight without getting called "creepy and borderline obsessive." It allows us to escape the drudgery of math homework and chores, to forget that we're lonely or bored, to spend Friday night inhaling a bathtub-sized bucket of popcorn. The movie theater is magical—and if you ruin my magical movie theater experience, you better believe that I will not sleep until I have burnt your life into the ground. (But, you know, in a joke-y way.)

When you purchase a movie ticket and enter a theater with dozens of other people, you're basically signing a blood oath to sit quietly and phone-lessly as you all enjoy the film together. So please, honor that blood oath (or face the dire consequences). Trust me, your Words with Friends game can wait.