Jimmy McMillan’s Beard Wins Gubernatorial Debate

Rent Is Too Damn High Party candidate Jimmy McMillan dazzled viewers of last night’s gubernatorial debate with his beard: a synthesis of steampunk, Santa Claus, and Chester Arthur.

McMillan also wore black gloves, a style tip that reporters Lois Romano of the Washington Post and Nicholas Confessore of the New York Times both mentioned in their write-ups. Confessore says the debate “verg[ed] on farce,” while Romano seems slightly relieved that nobody came to blows. “Miracles can happen,” she wrote as her lede.

Some highlights of this most important event in New York’s increasingly sad, strange political history:

Andrew Cuomo spent the whole time just laughing and laughing, cuz it was all so stupid.

Charles Barron, who is a city council member, wanted to talk about racism in the New York Police Department, because he’s a stick in the mud. Where’s his funny brothel jokes?

Green Party candidate Howie Hawkins talked funny, or so says New York Post columnist John Podhoretz—who thought he was watching “The Gong Show” instead of the debate, because he and his television live in 1977. But Podhoretz didn’t see Jamie Farr anywhere, banging on shit or whatever Jamie Farr did on that show, so it must have been the debate.

Republican candidate Carl Paladino “seemed stiff at times,” and nervous. Also, twitchy! He talked about how hard it is to be “passionate” in a world that regards you as “angry.” Paladino is becoming emo.

Chester Arthur—a 19th century New Yorker—returned from the dead to ask Jimmy McMillan for his beard back. But McMillan just repeated, “rent is too damn high” a bunch of times, until Arthur went away.

“For Texans, this is something that maybe gets forgotten by some of the rest of the world, that Gov. Connally was shot at the same time,Michael Kors Outlet,” he said, noting that Connally’s chest wound could have been fatal.
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