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Sunday, September 29, 2013

Sometimes I'm hesitant to post shit on my instagram, because part of me feels like I'm bothering people. That's just how I am. I'm not big on attention at all, but I like to be noticed. So that carries out into my mentality here. I don't understand how people, post selfies, or photos of just anything, but they post like several in a row, or throughout the day. Maybe even more than several and sometimes they even post them all through facebook too! I can't do that.

I'm already like, in my head oh goddd, sorry everyone! I even get to the point where I'm like, oh man, my last photo was a selfie I can't post another one, or damn I posted one yesterday. I'm so not in the mindset of most the people who even use this app. I'm okay with that though, because I enjoy being self-aware in that sense. Then there's people making it a fuckin mirror image, or six photo collage. I can't even grasp it.

But after being hesitant I remember that I don't have twitter. Facebook is standard so that doesn't even count anymore. My only other real outlet to share anything with my friends is instagram and sparingly facebook.

So it hits me that I'm not bothering them and sharing other stupid shit on any other social media site. They should be thankful for this, and then I stop giving a crap.

But those people I'm referring to that practice what I was talking about above, lets pray I never, ever reach that point.

Saturday, September 28, 2013

You want to be a writer, so let this life be your work of art.You are the poet and the poem, the conductor and the orchestra.Write your life like you would read it.Remember that every line within you can be crossed out,every noun not needed, every adjective all wrong.

Throw yourself down unexpected roads,turn right when you want to go left.Remember that it’s okay to take more than one route,it’s okay to be more than one genre.

You’re allowed to sit down on park benches

reading Bukowski at midnight and stand up listening to Kayne.You’re allowed to always wear black when your favorite color is pink.You’re allowed to be a sonnet and also a country song.”

I told the girl filled with self-hate,“It’s okay, this is only the first draft.” ”

Friday, September 27, 2013

I'm not exactly sure what I want to say right now. I'm indecisive on a few random thoughts going on in my head. I guess they both sort of tie in together. First off, the other day my friend at school told me how his girlfriend broke up with him, how she did it and that whole terrible story. The first words that came out of my mouth were "delete her" from everything, number, facebook, and every app you have her on. I tell him this even though it's a struggle for me to do it myself.

He told me no he couldn't, he confessed all the time he spent lurking her, and that he's texted her.

What the fuck! 2013 will be the death of us all. Torturing our open wounds like this is something many of us do and I believe it's going to take a toll on all of us. Technology, and social media make it physically impossible to move on from someone. I figured this out a long time ago, but seeing it first hand, as opposed to me experiencing it myself made me shake my head at this whole generation. Many of us would spend a lot more time with people who actually care about us, a lot more time finding those who are actually right for us, if ties were cut when they needed to be cut.

Hitting the delete contact, or remove friend button has turned into the biggest decision, oh and god forbid you block someone.

This also ties in to how much of a big deal I make something such as a like, or a comment, on something I've posted. Instagram is my favourite thing invented, it's all I use. So for the sake of my point lets say instagram. When someone likes something cool I've taken a photo of, like today for example food and people have liked it. Awesome. But when I put up a selfie, a photo of my face the likes have become so heavy with importance. People who like it are basically saying, they like my face. But who the fuck cares if anyone likes the photo I took of my face. It's my fucking face! I like it! It's dumb, I felt confident enough to put it up and I have to remind myself not to care about other peoples approval of it.

Then I wonder well if I don't care about other peoples approval, why did I even put it up?! It's sick I tell you.

I can't remember the last time I've taken a photo of myself on instagram without makeup. I don't even know if I ever have. I think I have but it most likely wasn't taken no where near how I would if my face was covered up in all sorts of shit.

It's sort of embarrassing to be completely honest. I don't even wear makeup everyday, so I'm not even going to take this and say that I don't feel confident not wearing makeup, I love not wearing makeup. It's just that when I take a photo of myself without makeup, I want to gag. Get it?I would love to photograph awesomely without makeup, I would love to feel awesome about the photo of myself without makeup. That's where the embarrassment comes from. Over the past several months, probably more, people have complemented me on how I do my makeup and what not and I appreciate it.

But in all true honesty I'm incredibly jealous of people who look amazing without anything on their face, like pretty much all of my friends. They think I always put so much effort, but they don't see it as me feeling like I have to..

This got deeper than I planned. My mindset is flawed but I have self confidence guys, don't worry.

Wednesday, September 25, 2013

“when they first go,
let yourself think every selfish, no-good, dirty, angry, filthy, horrible thought. let the waves of anger wash through you. let grief do its work.
do not swallow your tongue
when it turns into a blade.
scream a little, if you have to, but don’t swallow that sharp. don’t.
blame God, if you have to. shake your fist at the sky.
let it happen. he will forgive you.
eat. remember to feed yourself.
shower, if you can. sleep.
kiss your loved ones on the forehead.
recognize how and where love still exists.
forgive tomorrow for never showing up for them.
grab your anger by the shoulders and shake it until it crumbles.
be sad. let your heart be heavier than wet jeans.
feel how much weight there is on your chest.
sit in wonder at how you are still alive, how this didn’t kill you, too.
hold yourself like a child. sing yourself to sleep.
go where the warmth is.
dry your clothes in sunlight, then wear the warmth.
this pain is permanent, but, like a scar, it will fade. a crescent moon on your arm.
make no apologies for what you’ve done to survive.
it is okay to miss them every second.
it is okay to howl at the moon.
pain is an animal with sharp teeth and a soft heart.
wait.
it will get easier.
time will slip its fingers inside of that gaping hole
and pull the darkness out, little by little.
wait.
listen for their voice, whispering,
“I AM HAPPY. WHEREVER I AM. LIVE IN PEACE.”

Monday, September 23, 2013

“I deeply love and approve of who I am.I am worthy of my own-self-love.I love and respect myself at all times.I trust in love.I trust my worthiness.I am worth my weight in gold.There are no failures. I learn from everything I do.I believe that everything is for my highest good and greatest joy.I love life.I listen to and trust my deepest insights.I am worthy of the very best in life.I release judgment and let my life flow.”

Saturday, September 21, 2013

My date on friday went so well. I don't wanna go into detail, which I kind of make a habit of on this blog of mine. But I met him through a mutual friend and I thought I would get to know him, see where it takes me, keep my options open and what not. It went really well, he looked really cute and insidious 2 wasn't even scary. Which means it was really actually not scary cause I shit myself for every other scary movie.

Also, it poured raining and from dinner to the movie I turned into a wet dog.. hair ruined. It wasn't a good look.

"I TOLD HIM. I HAD TO TELL HIM. IT WAS TAKING UP TOO MUCH SPACE IN MY MIND. IT WAS DRIVING ME CRAZY. I HAD TO TELL HIM SO I COULD LET IT GO, SO I COULD MAKE ROOM FOR SOMEONE ELSE."-- Kaci Diane

Today I came across this on tumblr, and it was so relevant and it seriously struck me. I was debating saying something for a long time. Not sure what. I felt like there was more I had to say on what happened and just brushing it off and forgetting about it. Was eating away at me. Anyway, after I read this I instantly wrote up a message to send to him. My intention wasn't to attack. It was to get out, what I wasn't able to get out, before. Because at the time I was biting my tongue and didn't want to act like a bitch but who the fuck cares any more. So I told him exactly what I had to say, in terms of why he was an ass-hole specifically. His response was really polite, and it included a sincere explanation and apology. I'm actually like super okay with what he had to say and I'm impressed with how he handled it.

Friday, September 20, 2013

“He may still love you. He probably does. He probably doesn’t know what he wants. He probably still thinks about you all the time. But that isn’t what matters. What matters is what he’s doing about it, and what he’s doing about it is nothing. And if he’s doing nothing, you most certainly shouldn’t do anything. You need someone who goes out of their way to make it obvious that they want you in their life.”

- you know when you already know something, but you ignore it and continue to be naive because you don't want to believe. This quote reminded me I'm doing that.

I have hangout or "dates" (I dunno) do people actually use that word anymore in actual conversation?

Anyways, I have one or two, or three coming up. And that's all fine and dandy, great way to occupy my time. But I'd drop them all in a heartbeat to see this one person.

It's like all these people, like friends and stuffs. Are texting me and I literally only one look to my phone in hopes of one specific name to show up. No one else's attention matters, as long as I'm hoping to get their's.

If months go by and I'm still feeling this way, something has to be done.

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

“Nothing is more attractive than a person who’s got their act together, who has success written on the dotted line, whose depth holds immense value, whose respect is both earned and given, who knows their worth and can recognize the worth of people around them. Nothing is more attractive than someone who stands, and supports you, as your equal. Or maybe I’m the only one that sees the attractiveness in that?

Don’t settle for less than what you deserve. Cultivate your value, love your worth, never let disrespect diminish your profit.”

Tuesday, September 17, 2013

10 things I wish I could have told myself 5 years agoCheck out the article, they are all amazing but I'll share the ones that stuck out to me.10. You don’t need love, now or ever. You will have your heart seriously broken a few times, but you know what? You’ll pick yourself right the hell up and become even more fabulous than you were before. Do not settle. If you have your own love, and by that I mean you’re okay with being with yourself and you can find happiness in your life as it is, you’ll realize that you are waiting for someone else to come and make your life worth living. But here’s the truth: people will come and go. Love will fade and reignite and you will be headed for nothing but problems if your love for someone is contingent upon what they can do for you. Embrace your independence now, and keep your head high always. There are far better things ahead than you can even imagine

5. One of the absolute truths about life is that people will forget what you did, they will forget what you said, but they will not forget how you made them feel. I cannot stress this enough. Listen to Maya Angelou.

7. You need to work on having a little more blind faith in things– yes, I know, this seems counter-intuitive to all the messages that you’re receiving from society. But there is a difference between taking control of your life by pursuing things that are important to you and learning when to let go and let whatever is supposed to be unfold by itself. It’s a little anxiety-inducing to be blindly led by the universe, but please, please take my word for it: you will be led to far greater places than you could even comprehend to take yourself. Trust it, and go with the flow babe.

8. Stop being afraid of being who you are. At the end of the day, people can hate on you as much as their little cold hearts desire, but what it should all really tell you is that there is some gaping insecurity within them that forces them to be mean to you. You are a bad ass. You are a fantastic person. You are going to do great things, even thought you don’t feel like you’re worth anything right now.

“This is an important lesson to remember when you’re having a bad day, a bad month, or a shitty year. Things will change: you won’t feel this way forever. And anyway, sometimes the hardest lessons to learn are the ones your soul needs most. I believe you can’t feel real joy unless you’ve felt heartache. You can’t have a sense of victory unless you know what it means to fail. You can’t know what it’s like to feel holy until you know what it’s like to feel really fucking evil. And you can’t be birthed again until you’ve died.”

How do you know when to give up?
On anything, not even relationships and friendships. We all know, that's what brought on this question for me though. What I'm getting at is, how do you know if it's just another battle to fight through and face, or you should really, seriously commit to walking away. I mean if you want something bad enough, you'd fight for it. Right? Like that's what you're supposed to do if to you, it's worth it, right?

I don't even know, I don't even think there is a real answer to this question. Honestly, I might have already asked it on here previously. That's a possibility, but I'm not going to take the time to find out so moving on. I just can't stop wondering, if not letting go, will bring me to the outcome I want. I can't help reminding myself that it was too good to be true, and all of this was never supposed to come as easy as I thought it was going to in the first place.

Now that life is ten times more difficult. Is this the universe testing me? To see how badly I wanted things to work out, or to tell me that I shouldn't have gotten so emotionally invested so fast.

Why couldn't I be taught this lesson with someone else?! Than again, I'd be saying that no matter what.

Currently, I have no choice but to back off and re-evaluate myself. That's my only option right now. So I'm going to take it before I do anything else and turn it into an even bigger pile of shit. I can't do anything to fix the situation. I feel like all these pieces are just broken and mixed up and confused that have just slipped through my fingers. I want so badly to be able to fix it. That I can't, brings me a heavy, heavy amount of anxiety.

Someone just please take me back in time, with the insight I have now. Please, I'm begging. Anyone!

Sunday, September 15, 2013

" What if all I want to do is write. I want people to know how I feel and for them to understand me. All of these ideas in my head fade when the ink hits the surface of my leather journal. Wouldn’t it be easier to write my darkest secrets? Because I have no one to listen to me. But why should they, it’s not their responsibility to help me work through my problems, and I am capable of doing that myself. So instead I’ll just write and not worry about what they think. I’ll try.

I want to write about this burning passion that is in my heart, but I can’t find the right words. I want everyone to know about the fire that is slowly consuming my thoughts and my lust to have everything in life and more. Where can you even find the words to express the excruciating pain that it causes, but also the overwhelming joy of having something you can love so much?

It’s not a person I love, nor a thing. Instead it’s an idea. The feeling of freedom as you hear the click of the airplane’s wheels as it prepares to land. The way it slams on the ground and how you can feel the pilot flooring the brake. My feelings rush and slam in this same way. I can feel my heart race and flood with emotions as I try to stop it. I try to put out the raging fire but it’s useless. Secretly I love it. I love feeling so much. It kills me, but brings me life. There are no words to describe it, which kills me even more "

Everytime I wake up, my emotions are at an all time high of either anxiety or just plain sadness. It happens everyday pretty much. It has been happening the last few weeks. Currently this morning I feel incredibly anxious. With life.

Every morning I have to just push through it and keep going till I feel just okay again, later on in the morning or afternoon.

It's as though everytime I wake I'm instantly reminded of why I'm hurt or stressing. I'm waking up from some sort of coma and I can feel all the pain from before I went to sleep rush in.

This is actually the best way I can explain because that's how it feels to me.

I'm waiting for the day I can wake up happy, hopeful, confident, grateful, and positive. But I don't know how close I am to those days, or if I'm even remotely close at all.

I'm also just sick of not being able to forget about it and move on. I'm sick of thinking about it. I'm disgusted with myself that I still yearn for this person more than anything.

Friday, September 13, 2013

I normally don't even share on here when I get tickets to a concert, or if I've gone to one. Any way the ticket my friend bought for me last night (I'm going to pay her back obviously) is by far the best investment I think I'll ever make in an event.

On November 12th 2013 I am going to be in the same vicinity as the one and only Yeezus to watch him perform. He's touring the album I've probably literally, listened to 100 times. No exaggeration there if you knew me on a personal level this summer.

It literally just shot me with instant happiness. I've been waiting to see this man live, for years and years, and I feel like this is the concert I was meant to wait and be patient to get tickets for.

It's going to be such a crucial concert to my entire life, out of all the concerts I have and will ever go to. I'm already calling it being in the top three.

I have nothing but faith in this man, that he will blow my mind.

Like if we're going to be really honest when the opener Kendrick Lamar finishes, I'm probably going to start tearing up. That's how excited I am. And it's in two months. I have no time to mentally prepare.

Thursday, September 12, 2013

Wednesday, September 11, 2013

The best friend responded to the entire story that's been happening the past couple weeks today. She gave me, an ear full doesn't even do it justice. I'm so used to her tough love though, so I handled it. Her points were right, and I knew everything she was going to say. But sometimes I still need to hear it. So I can hear out loud how stupid I am. Some people are really soft and easy with their opinions, when I tell them what's up but she never holds back. As much as I like to cringe before starting getting back my response or say I know what she'll say so why bother, I need it. I need her. As a person.

I'm terribly, terribly sad these days.I'm having trouble sleeping, and I've barely been eating. Which if anyone knows me, is not apart of my characteristics. I don't know what to do, I only know one person who can fix it. Who I want to fix it. I really want to talk to a professional at this point, if I'm going to be completely honest. They're job is to spend the time listening to me and help guide me through how to put up with myself in this state. I can't imagine burdening the people in my life with my feelings any more than I already have. Just writing right now, vaguley about everything I have bottled up, is bringing me to tears.

Monday, September 9, 2013

“The hardest period in life is one’s twenties. It’s a shame because you’re your most gorgeous and you’re physically in peak condition. But it’s actually when you’re most insecure and full of self-doubt. When you don’t know what’s going to happen, it’s frightening.”

Sunday, September 8, 2013

From 40 days of datingHow do you feel about this relationship/project right now?We continued to talk on the grass. He said he didn’t think it was a defence mechanism with me, but that he didn’t think we were right for each other. He said something about me rubs him the wrong way romantically. He said my strong feelings for him deeply worry him, and, like usual, I was moving too quickly. He said if we continued to date he would just fall back into his old habits and that he didn’t want to hurt me. He said I deserve more.

Is there anything that you want to do differently?I told him I understood. However, I can’t deny feeling rejection and pain. I already loved him as a friend. After I allowed myself to open up to him and let my guard down, I’ve started to fall for him romantically. It seems I’ve repeated the same pattern again. I opened up too quickly, empathized too deeply, and I have another failed relationship to add to the list. I don’t know what to do or think at all anymore.

There is this blog I found titled 40 days of dating involving two New York based designers who are both good friends, and tired of their dating habits. So they date for 40 days, with rules such as they have to see each other everyday, answer a series of questions everyday, and go to couples therapy for forty days. This is real, it's not scripted or anything like that. And I am absolutely fascinated by it.

I feel like I relate to the girl in more ways, and it makes me so much more interested in how she answers her questions more then his. She can be controlling, negative, scared to be vulnerable, she obsesses over things easily, a hopeless romantic, who jumps into relationships (or expects it) frequently. Although I still read his regardless cause they're both interesting. They just both have good outlooks on different situations, they're different sides fascinates me even more.

On day thirty-seven, the girl Jessica wrote on her side:

Did you learn anything new about yourself?We talked about how empowering it was for me to “let go” a few weeks ago and to stop trying to define the relationship. In the past I have put too much pressure on myself to determine if the person I was dating was right long-term. If a guy didn’t give himself to me wholeheartedly, I would give up on the relationship out of fear of failure. I couldn’t enjoy dating in the moment.

This stood out to me a lot. If there was ever an issue I had, that related to Jessica's dating habits it was that one. When she says, we talked about, she is referring to their therapy session. Any way, I feel like she was literally speaking to me. That's the biggest problem I have. I realize it, and by then it's already too late because I've already been in this controlling pressure adding rampage. I bet it would feel wonderful to let go, but my first instinct, isn't that. Well, relationship talking. I really need to remember this next time because by the time I'm reminded it's gone. Then that's when it hits me that I really did enjoy exactly what it was, whatever it was, weather it was going no where or not. But then it's over.

I need to staple this onto my forehead or make a wall sized mural of it in my bedroom or something. This also brings me to my next thought, it would also be awesome to talk to a therapist I think. I feel like it would feel amazing in the end, it would be positive and enlightening. I look at it as a way to gain a new perspective, it would be awesome to say things you normally wouldn't say to even your closest friends or family. I would love to do that.

I still feel really weird. I can't put a finger on if I'm sad, or upset, or angry, or confused, or hopeful, or it's low self-esteem or disappointment. It's all of these things. How my feelings are broken down and as to which I feel more or less I couldn't tell you.

Anyone notice I didn't put happy up there on that list?

I'm trying the whole fake it till I make it deal with that emotion. If I just keep portraying I'm okay? I eventually will be? That's how I've heard it works. But I spend more time alone then I do pretending to be happy for anyone, so that's a negative.

I just want to feel okay with the way things turned out. I want to be able to accept it. I want to believe, everything happens for a reason and all that bullshit. So I can stop checking my phone, so I can stop thinking about him, or it. So I can stop beating myself up, or thinking it's all going to change and go back.

I 100% understand why I should let it go, I understand the mindset I need to be in to let it go. But mentally I just haven't been able to, and it's killing me.

Wednesday, September 4, 2013

“That’s why she’s in love with you, you know…There were a lot of other boys, but they didn’t scare her. She rather frightened them, I think. You’re very different. But I think you frightened her, and that’s why she likes you.”

I just updated my schedule to pretty fit exactly how I want it, with the options given. I have Tuesdays, Fridays, and most the day Monday off which is awesome because that's three days to get lots of sleep in. Which is really, all I'm ever aiming for when creating my schedule.

I'm going to try and meet more people this semester. I haven't said this out loud yet but I'm going to try to go to pub night more, and meet more upper year students who are my age. Nothing is wrong with the kids I hang out with now, who aren't. I would just like to get to know more people who I can connect with better.

With that being said, it's also my first year at university single. Which honestly, would be an awesome advantage if I was in a year with other 21 year old's, but I'll try my best to make the best of it. This will be interesting.

Tuesday, September 3, 2013

I need to stop feeling sorry for myself. I need to stop feeling like I've lost something or someone. Like Ive lost this stupid fucking game. I should be able to accept and realize that it's not only his loss but I shouldn't want someone who makes me feel like I'm not good enough. Right now I feel like I'm not good enough. And it's a horrific thought, it's fact that I'm beyond good enough.

Monday, September 2, 2013

Ah fuck. I don't even know if I should be writing right now. I'm so upset right now, if the world must know I'm currently crying as I'm typing this. There aren't even words. I feel like my chest is in pain. Like I just got hit by a ton of bricks. I've never wanted someone so bad, since my ex and I'm putting all the blame on myself right now for fucking everything up. When I shouldn't be. I feel like all I do is keep putting myself out there, and then get rejected. I knew I shouldn't have got my hopes up. I absolutely fucking knew it. Every time I told my friends, I'm not getting too excited because watch what'll happen. It has officially happened.

It works out either I screw everything up, or it turns out they actually just didn't like me but were too lazy to tell me sooner. In this case it's a bit of both. I feel like I tried so hard. I don't think I've ever tried that hard for someone before in my life. I don't think I've ever been lead on so badly before in my life. This is going to be such a major portion of my book you all don't even know.

I know I'm awesome I can honestly and truly say this isn't a major shot to my ego because I know I'm fucking awesome, hot, funny, smart and fun my opinion of myself in that respect has not changed. I promise that. I just hate that I can't get other people to see it and want more of it. I feel like at some point on my blog I've said that line before. I probably have, because it's true. It makes me upset that other people don't see it or in my eyes it's as if they get to see I'm all of those things, and they throw in the towel like: nevermind I actually don't want it. So they recognize it and still don't want it.

I can't help but like replay every decision I ever made this entire time. How I should have done everything differently. It's terrible and it's make this so hard.

I'm vowing to myself to not pursue again for a long time. I don't care if a fucking Ryan Gosling look a like is at my school this year. I want the next person I give any attention to, begging on their fucking hands and knees for me. I'm not accepting anything less.

I feel like you can read my blog from day one, and it's incredibly obvious how much I'm looking for that person, again. My ex was the most closest to perfect person for me I've ever known. It's obvious that, I'm trying every which way I can, I get incredibly emotionally invested from the beginning and I get hurt often and easily. I'm coming to terms with the truth behind this only now. I don't think its a really bad thing, I just think I need to stop putting myself through this so much.

I need to remember that there might be someone out there for me, like okay there probably is.