Sunday, September 30, 2012

Rock bottom

November 3, 2011

I knew when I woke up that morning, this was it. By the end of the day, everything in my life would change. I was tired completely exhausted.

--Growing up, I was an extreme perfectionist. I liked to get things right the first time, I mean, no one wants to fail, but I really could. not. fail. or my life would be over. I strived for the perfect grades and anything under a B was completely unacceptable. These were my own standards. I remember taking Greek at Barton. I was a religion major and Greek was offered but not required. All of my other friends were taking it so I decided to try it out. It was hard. I made a B that semester and my professor told me that she really believed that the second semester I would make an A, just to give it a shot. Well, the second semester I made a B. I cried. No, I bawled. Full fledge 2 year old temper tantrum crying, snot rolling, choking every breath and had I not been in the car heading to my big sisters house, I would have been on the ground kicking and screaming. I did what any girl would do when she was disappointed in herself, I called my best friend. See, Paige and I have this special relationship, one where we can both tell each other exactly how we feel, good or bad, about the other person and we move on. Well that day I needed comfort. I needed my best friend to tell me that I wasn't a failure and just because my best didn't get me an A, I didn't give up, I still tried my hardest and that was something to be proud of. Instead, I got "Andrea, really? Dry it up, I mean this is so stupid. You're crying over a freaking B. I don't want to hear it. Its not like you failed, I don't see what the big deal is." Click. (Looking back, I deserved it. We are still best friends-ha!)

A marriage between husband and wife takes both husband and wife to work. One person can't do all the work while the other does what they want to. They both have to want it to work. There has to be communication. There has to be care and concern for each other and each others needs. There has to be trust. There has to be honesty. There has to be love. You see, that morning, I wasn't necessarily tired due to lack of sleep for the past month. I was tired of giving my all, trying my best, and it still not being enough. I had done everything possible, more than any wife should do, to make her husband happy and it just wasn't enough. I tried being ok with relationships he established with other women, knowing in my heart there was more to it, all the while he claimed they were just good friends. I tried buying him things I knew he wanted, I tried giving him space, I tried blaming myself and nothing seemed to make anything better. Every bit of life was sucked out of me and I was at rock bottom.

Two months before, my Mother in Law gave me the "fireproof" journal so I had been praying and doing special things for Brandon daily. I had also kept a journal of letters each day, praying for our marriage, telling him how much I loved him and how much I wanted so hard to be able to trust him and our marriage to work. It was very humbling, especially when I didnt feel like all of this was my fault, but none the less, I wanted our marriage, or what was left of it, to work. I couldnt fail. How embarrassing would it be to be the first of my friends to get a divorce? I would feel so guilty for having this huge wedding and my family spending all of this money for the perfect day for our marriage not to last. I should've known better. Hind sight is 20/20.

That Thursday morning I went to work. I didn't stay long before I knew what I had to do. While I had dropped everything, family, friends, events, for him, he couldn't put me first. He couldn't give me the attention and love that I deserved. He compromised our marriage for the last time. There was only one thing left to do. I called Brandon and told him he needed to meet me at home. I left work. On the way home I called Brandon's mom, who knew everything, and 5 words came out of my mouth that I never thought I could say. These 5 words brought me to my knees, left me lonely and helpless. These same 5 words were my road to recovery.

My mother in law answered the phone and before she could even say hello, with tears in my eyes and a huge lump in my throat, I cried out, "I can't do this anymore."