This article was co-authored by Sarah Schewitz, PsyD. Sarah Schewitz, PsyD is a psychologist with over 10 years of experience helping couples and individuals improve and change their patterns in love and relationships. She is the founder of Couples Learn, an online psychology practice.

There are 7 references cited in this article, which can be found at the bottom of the page.

Couples split up for many different reasons. Sometimes it happens in the heat of the moment, when things are said that we later regret. Sometimes one partner just feels neglected, but the other didn't notice. If you've split up and want to get back together, you can learn how to cope in the meantime and make the changes necessary to heal your relationship.

Steps

Part 1

Coping with a Break-Up

1

Give it some time. You need time to reflect, improve your self-esteem and confidence, and give yourself greater insight into why you want your ex back. You don't want to jump back into a relationship too soon, or you will most likely repeat the same mistakes.

How long do you need? It likely depends on how long you relationship was in the first place, and what caused the break-up. If you just had a big argument, give it at least 48 hours and as much as a couple weeks before you get in touch. Try to cool down so you can have a calm and rational conversation.

Try your best to avoid Facebook and other social media in the meantime.[1] There's nothing you'll gain from constantly stalking your ex to find out what they're doing, or writing depressing updates. You only stand to make yourself look worse and feel worse. Just stay off for a while.

Sarah Schewitz, PsyD

Love & Relationship Psychologist

Sarah Schewitz, PsyD is a psychologist with over 10 years of experience helping couples and individuals improve and change their patterns in love and relationships. She is the founder of Couples Learn, an online psychology practice.

Sarah Schewitz, PsyD Love & Relationship Psychologist

Allow yourself the time to process your emotions. Love and relationship psychologist Dr. Sarah Schewitz says: "We often try to rush through it, but there's a grieving process that happens in a breakup that's similar to someone passing away. You need time to go through that, so don't try to cover it up with drugs or alcohol, or overeating, avoiding, or getting into another relationship right away."

2

Do some self-reflection. The better you understand why you broke up with your partner in the first place, the easier it will be for you to get back together. What did you do wrong in your relationship? What was your role in the break-up? Did your partner give reasons, or did you just get dumped out of nowhere? Try to understand what went wrong.

If you got dumped, Try to thinking about what your partner found upsetting. What did your partner complain about? What drove your partner crazy? Try to remember.

If you were the one who did the breaking up, Try to focus on how you can change to accept the things about your partner that drove you to end the relationship in the first place. Will it be possible to move past these things?

3

Identify what you feel were the major problems in the relationship. Once you've given some thought to your role in the break-up, try to think about what problems the relationship might have that aren't in your control. Sometimes, you can love someone, but circumstances will make it challenging for a relationship to work. It's important to reflect on these types of problems as well, if they're a problem for your relationship:

Work problems

Location or distance problems

Emotional or physical problems

Financial problems

Sexual problems

4

Work on yourself in the meantime. Do what you need to do to find some inner confidence. If you appear confident, you will give your ex the impression that you are certain that you know what you want out of your relationships and your life. Your confidence will express that you are sure in your ability to change and be a better partner.

You don't want to get back in touch if you're feeling and looking pitiful and run-down by your breakup. You shouldn't try to convince someone to get back with you because you're depressed, you should want to convince them to get back with you because you're a desirable partner.

5

Make some concrete changes now. Why should your partner want to get back together with you, if you had problems the first time around? If you can make little changes in your life to show that you're actively making yourself a different person, it will be much more likely that your partner will be interested in getting back together with you. If you've identified things that you know you can change about yourself to be a better partner, do them now.[2]

If you wanted to work on getting healthy, or partying less, toss out your pack of cigarettes and get a gym membership. When you see your partner next, you should have already done these things, not promised to do them "sometime."

6

Reach out when you feel like you've changed. If, after reflecting on your problems and your own role in your old relationship, you feel that you'll both benefit from getting back together, then it's time to reach out and get in touch with your partner to Try to talk it out. Call or text and make arrangements to meet in person, if possible.

If you're not sure if a call will be accepted, send a short letter, e-mail, or note saying, "I've been thinking about you. Would really like to talk. Would it be ok if I called?"

If you feel like you're the same person who got dumped, your relationship might need to end. Don't attempt to get back into a relationship with somebody just because you're sad that it ended. If it doesn't stand a chance of getting better, let it end with some dignity.

If your partner doesn't want to talk, your relationship is over. That's it. You might consider waiting a couple of months and reaching back out, but it's very unlikely that this will get you anywhere. Take the hint and move on.

Part 2

Having the Talk

1

Find a neutral public place to talk. Meet for your talk in a public park, or at an outdoor mall, somewhere you won't have to feel trapped or uncomfortable, but someplace you can also have your privacy and talk without being embarrassed.

Don't go on anything resembling a date. Don't meet for dinner or coffee, or try to have the talk in your old bedroom if you used to live together. It'll rekindle too many old feelings, both good and bad, and won't let you have an effective conversation about your relationship together.

2

Look your best. Try to improve your appearance a little before you get back in touch. You want to look like someone your ex will want to be with. Wear clothes that suit you, get a good hair cut, and groom yourself into your best version of yourself. This will have the added benefit of boosting your confidence and your mood when you do get back in touch.

Since you have improved the way you look, more people of the opposite sex will start noticing you. Likewise, your ex will be surprised to see the change in you and will get curious on what brought on the change.

3

Apologize only if you're actually sorry. If you screwed up your relationship by cheating or otherwise doing something that got you dumped, the first and last words out of your mouth should probably be "I'm sorry." Apologize to your love for the role you played in the relationship ending. Your love will be more willing to make things work with you if you are the first to apologize for the failure of your relationship.[3]

Admit to yourself the faults that you have and the role you had to play in your breakup. Focus in on the problems that caused the deterioration of your relationship, and talk about how you've decided to change and have changed since you were together.[4]

Even if you think the problems were more the fault of your partner, it's important to lead with lots of "I" statements if you're really committed to getting your relationship back on track. Keep things focused on yourself at first.[5]

4

Listen. After you've apologized, then sit back and shut up. It's important to get your point of view on the record, and then it's equally important for you to sit back and listen to what your partner has to say. Really listen and try to understand how they're feeling, not as your partner or as your "ex," but as another person who you may or may not be in a relationship with.

Even if you think you know what they're going to say, or if you think that they're going to be negative, really Try to listen to what they're saying. Try to understand. Maybe you need to hear it.

Try to be objective. Does this person need something you can't give them? Will they be able to be happy with you? If the answer is no, then don't get back together.

5

Come up with concrete plans together. If your relationship faces some serious problems, you need to come up with some compromises or commitments to rectify them, and you need to do it together. Once you've both voiced your specific problems and your feelings about your relationship, talk about what you might do to move forward.

Be honest and be as open as possible. If you want something to change in your relationship, now is the time to voice it. What are your requirements for a new relationship? Think of it like a contract signing.

If something can't be changed, then be honest about it. If you have no intention of spending more quality time with your partner, then don't say you will.

6

Know when to walk away. A relationship is not worth the time and energy to Try to get someone back if they don't want to come. You can open the door, but if they don't want to walk through, you can't and shouldn't make them. A simple "You know, I miss you and want you back. If you want to try again you know where to reach me." Then leave your ex alone. Don't get in touch, don't text, don't message on Facebook. Just walk away.

If the relationship ends, move on and look elsewhere. There is nothing as unattractive as someone who does nothing put pine for someone who has left them, it's almost as bad as those that pine for a relationship they don't have.

Part 3

Making it Last

1

Communicate with your partner more effectively.[6] Communication problems are some of the most common problems affecting couples at every stage of a relationship. Couples who've been married for 30 years often have communication problems. Couples who've been together two weeks definitely have them.

If something bothers you, bring it up right then. Don't wait to talk until you've simmered and gotten more angry. Address is right then and there.

Have regular "state of the relationship" talks. It doesn't have to be a bummer to talk about your relationship if it's a regular thing that you do, not something that you only do when one of you is super pissed.

2

Look to the future, don't dwell on the past. All relationships have road-bumps. If you are willing to try to make the relationship work again, it's important to go back into it without resentment or anger. An important step in doing this is to stop bringing up things from the past in an attempt to "score points" in an argument, or to make your partner feel bad. If you decided to get back together, start looking forward and digging up old dirt.

Make plans to do things together regularly. Making a commitment to your relationship requires that you have specific plans and stick to them. Schedule a regular date night, and set more substantial goals for your partnership as well.

3

Stop doing things conditionally. You shouldn't do something for your partner just because you think they'll get off your back if you do it, or because you want to avoid a fight. Learn to do things because it will make your partner happy, which will make you happy. The more you can act from a place of genuine kindness and compassion, the stronger your relationship will be.

4

Be good, giving, and game. Relationship and sex therapist Dan Savage coined the phrase "GGG," as a common advice suggested to people struggling in relationships. It means that you should be "good, giving, and game" in all things when it comes to your partner.[7]

Being good means you have your partner's best interest at heart. You want to do right by your love.

Being giving means that you are willing to sacrifice for your partner's happiness, provided they're willing to sacrifice for your's.

Being game means being up for things with your partner, within reason. Even if you're not necessarily a big fan of monster movie marathons, if it's your partner's favorite, give it a shot every now and then as part of your pact together.

5

Devote more to your relationship than you did before. Relationships are not a 50/50 deal. They never are. Each person needs to contribute 100% to the relationship. Each should be giving 100% to the relationship. Try to focus more on what you're giving to and putting into the relationship, not on what you're getting out of it. The relationship is a partnership that you must nurture, not something that happens easily while other people put the effort in.

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Tips

As life rarely gives a second chance, remind yourself not to make the relationship worse.

You and your love may want to consider couples counseling if you decide that you want to get back together and resolve your problems.

Don't force a relationship based on how miserable you are without the other person. Sometimes love can be mistaken for fear of being alone. You need to work on your own self before working on the relationship.

Warnings

Consider counseling if you were abused in your relationship and want to return to your lover.

To get your love back after a break-up, start by taking some time to work on yourself and restore your inner confidence. Take concrete steps to feel healthier and more self-assured, like going to the gym regularly or getting more focused at work. This will show your partner that you are capable of growing, which will make them more likely to want to be with you again. When you feel you’ve improved, reach out to your partner and briefly ask if they’d like to talk. When you see them, apologize for anything you may have done to hurt them, and explain how you’ve taken action to change. Then, give them the space to respond fully, taking care to listen closely to what they have to say. For tips from our Relationship co-author on moving forward with a plan for getting back together with your love, keep reading.

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Article Info

This article was co-authored by Sarah Schewitz, PsyD. Sarah Schewitz, PsyD is a psychologist with over 10 years of experience helping couples and individuals improve and change their patterns in love and relationships. She is the founder of Couples Learn, an online psychology practice.

"I'm struggling in a relationship that doesn't seem to be going anywhere. I have sacrificed so much, and he hasn't. I love him deeply and do not want to give up, but if it cannot work out, I wasn't sure what to do. This article helped me to know."..." more

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Mereana Karamaena

Nov 30, 2016

"This is a wonderful site for many. I found a lot of useful information that I need to touch up on. Thanks."

HF

H. F.

Oct 24, 2016

"Really good advice, it helped so much, thank you. Whoever came up with this must be really happy in love."

PC

Pragya Chauhan

Jun 6, 2017

"I broke the trust of my boyfriend, and I want him to trust me again. "