It is not down in any map; true places never are.

Month: October 2006

There was a time when men were kindWhen their voices were softAnd their words invitingThere was a time when love was blindAnd the world was a songAnd the song was excitingThere was a timeThen it all went wrong

I dreamed a dream in time gone byWhen hope was highAnd life worth livingI dreamed that love would never dieI dreamed that God would be forgivingThen I was young and unafraidAnd dreams were made and used and wastedThere was no ransom to be paidNo song unsungNo wine untasted

But the tigers come at nightWith their voices soft as thunderAs they tear your hope apartAs they turn your dream to shame

He slept a summer by my sideHe filled my days with endless wonderHe took my childhood in his strideBut he was gone when autumn came

And I still dream he’ll come to meThat we will live the years togetherBut there are dreams that cannot beAnd there are storms we cannot weather!

I had a dream my life would beSo different from this hell I’m livingSo different now, from what it seemedNow life has killed the dream I dreamed

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it seems pretty fitting that today is halloween, because my life feels like a nightmare.

im in the deepest, darkest depression i have ever felt. it hurts physically.

everything is just confusing as all hell. i still care about him although i want to hate him. as much as i hate him though, i love my kids more. i mean i’ve been with him 8 YEARS! since i was 19. it’s hard. it’s hard to face that it’s over. there is so much there. so many memories, so many little things between us that i can’t share with anybody else because it’s ours. but…it’s over. it’s been over for a long time.

parts of me are still longing for him to ride in on a white horse and save me, to save himself, to save our children, be the man i always hoped he was in his heart and that we’ll live happily ever after, but i guess that is what it is…a fairy tale. it’s just never gonna happen. its time to let go.

i asked him the other day if it was over. he told me that he thought it was. he told me he thought that even though we wanted similar things that we were too different and that i couldn’t give him what he wanted and he couldn’t give me what i wanted. a part of me agrees and another part of me thinks it’s horse shit. we do want similar things, but what makes us different is our idea of how to achieve those things. our priorities are WAY different. he cares too much about what everyone else outside of our home thinks and impressing them and being “the man” in their eyes, more than being “a man” in his wife and children’s eyes. i think you inspire things, he thinks you demand them. he said maybe if i gave him some time. but i think there’s been plenty of that and plenty of chances and i always come up empty handed or with the rug being swept out from under me. i’m done with time and space.

then he said well you know what they say…if you love something, let it go and if it comes back to you it’s meant to be. is he serious? does he really think that’s what i’m hoping for. that i am gonna wait…for HIM? that this divorce and him physically attacking me is just some poetic tragedy? i’m not even going to touch that cause you know, i’m just down right disgusted that he would even risk losing me. it’s like he doesn’t even stop to think that maybe there is some guy out there, some guy that is everything i want and need that will see me as everything he wants and needs and that maybe, just maybe, i’ll move on and be happier than ever and never look back. i guess i should take more notice of that. if he had ever really loved me, or treated me the way i deserved, or been genuinely concerned about losing me, we wouldn’t be in this mess right now.

i cant even talk about the kids part in this right now.

i know no matter what happens, i’m going to be ok. i just have to keep reminding myself and praying for god’s will in this situation. i could use some clarity.
it hurts really fuckin bad.

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I can’t believe I believed
Everything we had would last
So young and naive for me to think
She was from your past
Silly of me to dream of
One day having your kids
Love is so blind
It feels right when it’s wrong

I can’t believe I fell for your schemes
I’m smarter than that
So young and naive to believe that with me
You’re a changed man
Foolish of me to compete
When you cheat with loose women
It took me some time but now I moved on

Cuz I realized I got
Me myself and I
That’s all I got in the end
That’s what I found out
And it ain’t no need to cry
I took a vow that from now on
I’m gonna be my own best friend

Me myself and I
That’s all I got in the end
That’s what I found out
And it ain’t no need to cry
I took a vow that from now on
I’m gonna be my own best friend

So controlling, you said that you love me
But you don’t
Your family told me one day
I would see it on my own
Next thing I know I’m dealing
With your three kids in my home
Love is so blind
It feels right when it’s wrong

Now that it’s over
Stop calling me
Come pick up your clothes
Ain’t no need to front like you’re still with me
All your homies know
Even your very best friend
Tried to warn me on the low
It took me some time
But now I am strong

Because I realized I got
Me myself and I
That’s all I got in the end
That’s what I found out
And it ain’t no need to cry
I took a vow that from now on
I’m gonna be my own best friend

Me myself and I
That’s all I got in the end
That’s what I found out
And it ain’t no need to cry
I took a vow that from now on
I’m gonna be my own best friend

Me myself and I
I know that I will never disappoint myself
I must have cried a thousand times
All the ladies if you feel me
Help me sing it now
I can’t regret all the times spent with you
Ya, you hurt me
But I learned a lot along the way
After all the rain
You’ll see the sun come out again
I know that I will never disappoint myself

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he was drinking again.
out of nowhere he came across the room and he grabbed me by throat. we weren’t even arguing.
then he laughed, in a way that was so sadistic that it made my blood run cold and he said, “what’s wrong honey you look really worried?”

i tried to call my dad, when he called back something happened to the phone. my dad called the cops. there were marks on my neck. he was handcuffed, arrested and taken to county jail. i had to go to the police station and fill out paperwork for a restraining order at 1:30 in the morning and then i have to be court today for his arraignment at 1:30pm after i go to emergency room to be checked out because i can hardly move my neck.

is this really happening?

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i am sure that they are having some sort of reaction to everything that’s been going on between the grown-ups, but it has been relatively calm this week. we’ve hardly spoke to each other. the only argument we did have happened wednesday night while they were at church with my dad, so it’s a little hard for me to understand how their little noggins are processing right now. they surely want not for attention from me, so why have they have been so difficult and bratty this week? they are fighting and screaming with each other all the time. whining. not listening to simple instructions. i wonder if it’s me and i’m just uber stressed and not able to deal with the minor….but the frequency of problems with them just seems to have skyrocketed.

patience is not a great virtue of mine.

i’m pretty sure this is why the lady at the bank now thinks i’m crazy as well. you see, i opened my own checking account, for obvious reasons. well, the kind lady who opened my account failed to tell me that i would have a five day hold placed on any checks i deposited. so despite the fact that i actually have nearly $1,ooo.oo in my account, they rejected checks for my credit card payments, charged me insufficient fund fees and now my credit card companies are charging me NSF fees as well. i went to the bank this morning and pretty much told lady that she needed to get it taken care of, because i was in the middle of a divorce, have three kids that are going through a divorce, i’m emotionally drained and really don’t need any extra added stress over stupid fees they are charging me when the money is in the account. i just about pulled my hair out in front of her. seriously, i could use some xanex or something. the stress level is just unreal.

note to self: breathe…..just breathe.

he didn’t get served monday. turns out my attorney didn’t get the papers filed until wednesday which quite possibly means he’ll be served today.

i really wish he would just move out. him being around just irritates me. anytime i say anything to him, he talks to me like a piece of shit. not like that’s anything new, but now i just don’t care to deal with it anymore. at a certain point you just get tired of being treated like shit. maybe if i explain to him that child/spousal support is retroactive from the date of filing and it might be in his best interest to leave and start paying so he’s not in arrears, he’ll go?

nah, wishful thinking. i’m convinced he lives to make me miserable.

this was a terribly negative post. all apologies. just needed a place to rant.

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friday…. we ordered pizza and wings for dinner. we were supposed to watch a movie. it seemed as though we were going to be civil. then he started asking me what had happened with my attorney. he wasn’t happy that i had filed for divorce. correction, he didn’t get upset, no sadness. he just got pissy. started running his mouth to me. he said some really shitty things. he implied a lot of things that i didn’t appreciate at all and only made me further affirm that i had made the right decision. then, he decided to tell me that he was considering taking our oldest son with him. of course, as momma bear, this set me off. his response, after he had promised me he wouldn’t do this anymore, was to get on the phone with his brother and start talking about me right in front of me. letting me hear what his brother was saying and giving me a really smug smile. i reacted. i shouldn’t have but, i had had all i could take. i went off about how his brother really doesn’t give a shit about him or the kids. where has he been for 6 years. how interesting it was that when he and his fiance broke up a couple months ago, that he made sure to tell everyone what the counselor had said about HER as if it were gospel, but didn’t ask what our counselor had said to his brother. he asked me if i wanted to talk to him and i said no, just to tell him that as long as i drew breath, i wouldn’t forget his part in destroying my family. to make matters worse, his brother, who knows everything and nothing at the same time, decides to go call my mommy and daddy and tattle on me. my dad called me to check on me and asked what was going on. i told him that i had gone off, i had been cussing like a bad girl and yes, the kids were here, but it was after i had been threatened with having my son taken away and after he had purposely called and gotten his brother involved to set me off. then i cried to my dad for about an hour, telling him that i don’t want to be angry, but that it’s just a defense to how hurt i am.

saturday was rough. we went to my mother in law’s to see her friend whose husband just committed suicide. it was just really emotional and we all cried and laughed and remembered better days. then my mother in law wanted me to show her friend this dvd of pictures we had made her for her 50th birthday. it had pictures of all her kids growing up and then there were pictures of all of us now. when we got married, when the kids were born, all of us toasting at a thanksgiving dinner … it was hard to watch. part of me wonders if she did this on purpose. when we finally left, i was emotionally drained. in the car on the way home, he turned to me and commented about how hard it had been for him to watch that dvd and how you forget about all the memories sometimes. we went to dinner with the kids and had a pretty good time, laughing at them and being a family. this is also bittersweet. i came home and took a shower and laid down for a little bit. i woke up to him with his arms wrapped around me, talking his sweet nothings. he knows all the right things to say, it’s just always a little too late. i didn’t respond.

i went out saturday night with my girlfriend since it is “his weekend”. this too was weird. we got hit on by drunk old guys, who got a little too touchy feely for our liking. so we bailed and went to a couple other bars, had some good laughs with the bartenders, saw two bar fights, made a trip to taco bell which led to us laughing so hard at each other that we couldn’t get our order out. for some reason the words: cheesy gordita crunch – are really hard to say when you’ve got a buzz on. they’re just funny. guess you had to be there. we went back to her place and did the whole jammies and girl talk thing. i do adore her.

sunday- she made me spam and eggs and coffee. it was simple and really good. surprisingly we didn’t’ have a hangover and were feeling pretty darn spiffy. after more girl talk and catching up on world affairs and the flavor of love 2, i grudgingly got dressed and left. my mother in law lives about a block away so i stopped by to check on her. having spent a week with her grieving girlfriend, she’s exhausted and i felt bad for both of them. we had a cup of coffee together and i bolted when my sister in law showed up. got home. he told me that he had actually missed me. he said it as if it were surprising to him. weird. got lots of hugs from the kids. we decided to enjoy the nice weather and take the Jeep out with the top down. our oldest son started telling his dad how he needed to be nicer and act more like me and then we would get along much better. he told him that he does “too much stuff the opposite“. he said “mommy cleans and you make a mess, mommy stays home with us all the time and you’re always gone“. ahhh, the things kids say. picked up some stuff to cook out. had one of the kids’ friends over. had a pretty good time. then we sat down to do the bills. this would be his first time doing it … ever. we’re trying to split our stuff up so, it wasn’t fun. i swear the guy needs you to hold his hand to do anything, but yet- he’s “the man”. it’s just annoying. we pretty much just avoided each other after that. he slept on the couch, i slept alone in the bed and things have moved on in their robotic way.

i think he’s going to be served with divorce papers at work today. should make for an interesting evening.

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I had my best friend do a Tarot Card Reading for me last night. I don’t know if it’s because we’re so close or what, but they are freakishly reliable and correct. She did one for me about 5 years ago and everything that she read came to light. The way she reads is to pull 1 card for past, 1 for present, and 1 for the future. Then to do so again to reaffirm or find out what the first card ties to.

These were my cards yesterday. They won’t mean much to you unless you know anything about them. But I had to document this.

PAST:

I think these both have to do with the new job I just started. The first card, represents teamwork, competence in a trade, planning…while the second card shows good intentions, sharing, feeling blessed.

PRESENT:

1st card shows disagreement, competition, and hassles BUT the second card says I am going about it with refinement, being disciplined and self-reliant.

FUTURE: ( 2 Major Arcana)

This is significant. The first card looks a little scary but I just see it as change. I see the lightning bolt hitting the tower and the royalty falling, as the shattering of an illusion, a release….a revelation. And the second card is promising. It tells me I will survive the revelation. It can be a reminder not to despair or give up. It says you have the inner strength to endure and triumph. If you are pushing too hard, you need to withdraw for the moment and be patient. If other people or circumstances are driving you crazy, remember the strength that comes with love and forbearance.

In other news:

after the way things have gone this week and a long talk with my best friend, i’ve accepted what i realized long ago … it’s not just about what he says and does…it’s about integrity and character and he has none. i don’t want to be married to someone like that. bottom line.

so, i meet with my attorney today at 1pm. instead of filing a separation agreement, i will be giving him the money to file for divorce.

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i tried to talk to him about the separation agreement, turns out we couldn’t do much agreeing. actually, i take that back…he was pretty agitated when i told him how much child and spousal support would amount to. that was his big concern. not his family falling apart, but child support. he said: “so basically i’ll give you a paycheck for nothing“. yeh, he’s sweet. then, i started telling him that while i would like to have shared parenting and for the kids to have more time with him than the standard ordered visitation, i was concerned about his drinking and wanted language added to the agreement where he would abstain from drinking during his visitations. this really set him off. he told me this was another way of me controlling him and just trying to get my way. that is was ridiculous. he laughed at me. told me that if i wanted to be nasty, we would get nasty.

blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah

eventually the words all run together. they’re mean, spiteful…they all sound the same.

i know i’m doing the right thing. i do. and it’s not divorce that i fear.

what i’m scared of is the kids only having him to depend on during visitation. don’t get me wrong, i don’t think he’s a bad father, but where alcohol is involved, he sense is gone and it scares me. if i’m honest that’s probably the reason i’ve stayed as long as i have. because i figured if i stayed i could protect them and if we went our separate ways i’d have to trust him……with my children……and i don’t. not where alcohol comes into play.