14 months later - need to tell my story as I am struggling with grief

I have identified that I am very angry. I was four weeks early and I spotted. So I went to my doctor and had an ultra sound. Everything was "fine". he said "take it easy today and you'll be fine".

A few days later my water completely broke at 3 am and we were only 37 weeks. I got to the hospital and they said my water didn't break because I was "dry". Yet I know it broke, they did additional test and agreed. However, I was 3 weeks early and they said my cervix was not ready. I started contracting within the hour. They were between 2-3 minutes apart and we were admitted.

By noon I was barely a cm. My doctor (who called and had not come in) said I needed to start the Pitocin drip now (which would be the best to get my contractions on track) or wait till 5 pm when my doctor can come and administer Pitocin differently, which may not work. So I was told that if I wait, chances are I would end up over my 24 hour clock and have a csection. No non medical opitions where given. I was put on Pitocin and experienced a tremenous amount of pain as my child was "far up" and hitting into my back/hips. I had back/hip labour the entire time. Pitocin made it worse. What made it even worse is that they would not let me get up and walk around or move. They had trouble keeping a monitor on the baby so I could only lay a certain way. With back and hip labour it made the baby crush my back and hips over and over. I felt so bad for the baby.

The baby was doing fine. Although I was very upset that he would be experiencing intense contractions. This was emotionally tough for me. We were three weeks early so our support person was on the other side of the country. My husband and I were alone for most of the time. Although his mother came at some point and helped him.

By 5 when my doctor showed up, I was 3 cm and could move down the hall to the birthing suite. He said we should restart Pitocin and keep the dose high. It looked like I could still deliever vaginally but he kept saying I should get an epidural to make it "easier". I had several converstations prior to this and on this day about how I did not want any interventions or drugs. It felt like he was pushing for one.

By 9 pm I was 18 hours into my delivery. 17 hours into contracting. 9 hours on Pitocin and could barely rest between contractions and I had ZERO pain relief. I wanted a natural birth free of medication. Pitocin was bad enough as it was. My doctor had visited a couple of times to let me know I was at 4 cm but that it would be another 6-7 hours on Pitocin to get me to 10 cm. He said that it would be about 2-3 hours of pushing after that and that I would not have the strenght so I had to have an epidural. When I said no to the epidural he said "epidural or guaranteed c-section, only opitions". I had no choice. I felt like a failure. Like I couldn't do it. Simple thing like giving birth that women have done forever in a bush/on a table/at home... I could not do. He won, I got an epidural. My husband tried to be supportive - but didnt' understand why I was fighting pain relief so much.

It took an hour for the epidural at 11pm. It was terrifying as I have a fear of needles. I felt so guilty that I was experiencing pain relief but my child was still facing intense contractions while I got to lay there.

At midnight they began talking about how the baby was starting to show signs of fatigue and was starting to have a slower response after the contractions. I asked what was happening and they said it was fine.

By two I was 6.5 cm but that it would be another 3-4 hours on Pitocin to get me to 10. Plus 2-3 hours of pushing. My doctor was tired and said the baby was still having a slower response. I asked what this meant and was told "it could be the cord is in the way, choking him or something else". It was never explained and the nurse and doctor would talk in low voices like we were not there. I am upset that they did not talk to me about the issues and we basically laid there and waited for a c-section.

At 3:30 and at 7 cm the OBGYN was called, walked into the room towards the monitor and did not acknowledge me. He looked at my child's stats and said "You will have your child by c-section in 30 minutes, I'll give you a minute to take that in". And that was it. I am angry that it wasn't explained why and that no alternatives were given or explained. It felt like because it was 3:30 am everyone else just wanted to go home.

The experience of being wheeled in to a bright room and placed on a cold slab is a nightmare. It felt like an out of body experience and couldn't be "really happening". No one talked to me. They just did their thing. The curtan was up. The doctors asked if I could feel anything. I've had so many nightmares about this since. Then the doctors talked about their golf game and all the c-sections they have had in the last few days. Then I felt alot of intense pressure and my baby boy was taken. He was not born, I did not give "birth". He was not delivered... he was removed. The nurse said he looked wonderful and was very active. Passed all the tests and was breathing well. So why did I HAVE TO have a c-section? She wrapped him up and put him on my shoulder so I could kiss him. Asked for our camera to take a picture. When we said we were told we couldn't have one in there she said we could have. And then she left with the baby. My husband went with him and I was alone in a room full of people trying to get through the process and go home. No one really addressed me. My body was stuffed back together and stiched up. Like I was never pregnant.

Afterwards, I was told the baby would be in the room waiting for me. I returned to the room and my husband said our son was in the NICU and they said we were close to a shift change and I would have to wait "an hour" to go see our son. We waited three hours with no updates. My husband had to go talk to them several times to finally get someone to take me to see my son five hours after he was born. All my dreams/hopes of being with him and nursing within the first hour were gone. They said he was completely healthy but wouldn't explain why he wasn't able to be with me in the room. I had no say or knowledge of what medications or treatments they were giving him. When I said I wanted to try to nurse they said not now and told me they were going to give him a bottle later. I explained that I would be nursing so they did not have any authorization to give him a bottle unless I was unsuccessful and I would personally cup feed him if need be. As I had a premature nephew who was cup/tube feed for eight months and understand the procedure. The nurses said "it's alot of work to cup feed and we are busy". I was firm and he was cup feed. The next visit I just decided to try breastfeeding and he latched on right away. We got the nurse who said (from 5 feet away) "looks good, you are fine". And left.

It took over 30 hours for me to finally meet the doctor who was treating my son in NICU, eventhough I asked several times to speak to whomever was treating my son to find out what they were treating him for. She said he was perfectly healthy and left the room. I recieved no answer as to why he wasn't with me and what treatments he was recieveing. I never saw that doctor again.

I was allowed to visit my son for brief periods every three hours. I was not allow to participate in his first bath but able to witness it. I had very little time with my son because the NICU was "busy". I felt as though I had to be forceful and aggressive to be heard or to be allowed in as he was not a "critical" case. They gave him a pacifier after I had asked them not too. I felt like they did that to calm him when I should have been there to hold him or comfort him. I was just down the hall and not doing anything but pumping and worrying.

Two and a half days later, he was brought to my room "because we are over crowded in NICU and he is perfectly healthy". Finally I had time with him. It felt like it was too late and that the bond we had from pregnacy was gone and I was just a new "nurse" to him.

In addition, seeing a lactation consultant was part of my birth plan and something that I made clear to each nurse I spoke with. I continuously asked if a LC was availabe and told that they woud get her to come see me. In the interim I was given everyone's option that any latch is a good latch and he's fine. It took two days to find out that they no longer staff LC's and one was never coming. I had one nurse who told me this and was nice enough to sit through a feeding and give some advice as a mom but was not trained in LC.

The nurses kept telling me my milk was in and he was fine. However I could not pump milk and he would feed for an hour and I would have to cup feed afterwards. I was released from the hospital because "we need your room, can you go home". I went home and began a 14 hour cluster feed with my son. We were on the verge of going back to the hospital at 5 am when I was so exausted and my son had been screaming for 6 hours when I finally felt my milk come in and he drank. That was the first moment that I felt our connection from pregnancy. That is when I felt like a mom. That was our magic moment that I hold on to. When we created our bond and he fell asleep in my arms, content. That's when I became his mom.

I am angry. I am angry that my doctor was barely there and would barely talk to me other then to say "you can do this or have a c-section" but not explain what other options there could be. I am angry because the OBGYN acted like I was not there. I am angry that during the hardest time in my life the Doctor and OBGYN were talking about golf and how many C-sections they had this week and dismissed my questions. I am angry that I was not involved in the treatment and care of my son. I am angry that they told us "no camera's in the OR" then asked us where our camera was to take a picture before they took our son to the NICU. I am angry that I was lied to about an LC. I am angry that it took 5 hours to hold my son. I am angry that everytime I wanted to see him they would roll their eyes and be bothered to take me down/get him to me. I am angry that he had a pacifier and almost a bottle. I am angry at myself for not producing milk or being strong enough to have him naturally. I am angry at my husband for being so damn sweet, he tried so hard to be supportive but said all the wrong things and doesn't understand. I am angry that I was alone alot in the hospital because my husband had to work. I am angry that this is my experience and nothing will ever change it. I am angry that I did not participate in the birth of my son. He was not delivered or birthed.. he was "taken", "removed" like an appendix...

I am angry that no one understands. I am angry that I have to go through this alone, although I have family and friends that love me. I am angry that I didn't do anything wrong, read all the books about doing it right - and I wasn't good enough.

I am angry that one day I will have to tell my son about this and I wont know how to. I don't know if I can ever talk about it without getting upset.

I am SO angry that this increases my chances of another C-section. I am hoping for a VBAC and know that I am going to stress during my next pregnancy about this. If I have another C-section we are done having kids. What if I have another boy and really want to have a girl? I cant risk major surgery with two kids who need me. Its a VBAC or we are done. It puts way too much pressure on having a girl next. I am so angry. I am so anxious. I am ... so consumed that I am not myself. It is eating me up inside. Look at what I put my son through? Was I even meant to be a mother?

I have identified that I am very angry. I was four weeks early and I spotted. So I went to my doctor and had an ultra sound. Everything was "fine". he said "take it easy today and you'll be fine".

A few days later my water completely broke at 3 am and we were only 37 weeks. I got to the hospital and they said my water didn't break because I was "dry". Yet I know it broke, they did additional test and agreed. However, I was 3 weeks early and they said my cervix was not ready. I started contracting within the hour. They were between 2-3 minutes apart and we were admitted.

By noon I was barely a cm. My doctor (who called and had not come in) said I needed to start the Pitocin drip now (which would be the best to get my contractions on track) or wait till 5 pm when my doctor can come and administer Pitocin differently, which may not work. So I was told that if I wait, chances are I would end up over my 24 hour clock and have a csection. No non medical opitions where given. I was put on Pitocin and experienced a tremenous amount of pain as my child was "far up" and hitting into my back/hips. I had back/hip labour the entire time. Pitocin made it worse. What made it even worse is that they would not let me get up and walk around or move. They had trouble keeping a monitor on the baby so I could only lay a certain way. With back and hip labour it made the baby crush my back and hips over and over. I felt so bad for the baby.

The baby was doing fine. Although I was very upset that he would be experiencing intense contractions. This was emotionally tough for me. We were three weeks early so our support person was on the other side of the country. My husband and I were alone for most of the time. Although his mother came at some point and helped him.

By 5 when my doctor showed up, I was 3 cm and could move down the hall to the birthing suite. He said we should restart Pitocin and keep the dose high. It looked like I could still deliever vaginally but he kept saying I should get an epidural to make it "easier". I had several converstations prior to this and on this day about how I did not want any interventions or drugs. It felt like he was pushing for one.

By 9 pm I was 18 hours into my delivery. 17 hours into contracting. 9 hours on Pitocin and could barely rest between contractions and I had ZERO pain relief. I wanted a natural birth free of medication. Pitocin was bad enough as it was. My doctor had visited a couple of times to let me know I was at 4 cm but that it would be another 6-7 hours on Pitocin to get me to 10 cm. He said that it would be about 2-3 hours of pushing after that and that I would not have the strenght so I had to have an epidural. When I said no to the epidural he said "epidural or guaranteed c-section, only opitions". I had no choice. I felt like a failure. Like I couldn't do it. Simple thing like giving birth that women have done forever in a bush/on a table/at home... I could not do. He won, I got an epidural. My husband tried to be supportive - but didnt' understand why I was fighting pain relief so much.

It took an hour for the epidural at 11pm. It was terrifying as I have a fear of needles. I felt so guilty that I was experiencing pain relief but my child was still facing intense contractions while I got to lay there.

At midnight they began talking about how the baby was starting to show signs of fatigue and was starting to have a slower response after the contractions. I asked what was happening and they said it was fine.

By two I was 6.5 cm but that it would be another 3-4 hours on Pitocin to get me to 10. Plus 2-3 hours of pushing. My doctor was tired and said the baby was still having a slower response. I asked what this meant and was told "it could be the cord is in the way, choking him or something else". It was never explained and the nurse and doctor would talk in low voices like we were not there. I am upset that they did not talk to me about the issues and we basically laid there and waited for a c-section.

At 3:30 and at 7 cm the OBGYN was called, walked into the room towards the monitor and did not acknowledge me. He looked at my child's stats and said "You will have your child by c-section in 30 minutes, I'll give you a minute to take that in". And that was it. I am angry that it wasn't explained why and that no alternatives were given or explained. It felt like because it was 3:30 am everyone else just wanted to go home.

The experience of being wheeled in to a bright room and placed on a cold slab is a nightmare. It felt like an out of body experience and couldn't be "really happening". No one talked to me. They just did their thing. The curtan was up. The doctors asked if I could feel anything. I've had so many nightmares about this since. Then the doctors talked about their golf game and all the c-sections they have had in the last few days. Then I felt alot of intense pressure and my baby boy was taken. He was not born, I did not give "birth". He was not delivered... he was removed. The nurse said he looked wonderful and was very active. Passed all the tests and was breathing well. So why did I HAVE TO have a c-section? She wrapped him up and put him on my shoulder so I could kiss him. Asked for our camera to take a picture. When we said we were told we couldn't have one in there she said we could have. And then she left with the baby. My husband went with him and I was alone in a room full of people trying to get through the process and go home. No one really addressed me. My body was stuffed back together and stiched up. Like I was never pregnant.

Afterwards, I was told the baby would be in the room waiting for me. I returned to the room and my husband said our son was in the NICU and they said we were close to a shift change and I would have to wait "an hour" to go see our son. We waited three hours with no updates. My husband had to go talk to them several times to finally get someone to take me to see my son five hours after he was born. All my dreams/hopes of being with him and nursing within the first hour were gone. They said he was completely healthy but wouldn't explain why he wasn't able to be with me in the room. I had no say or knowledge of what medications or treatments they were giving him. When I said I wanted to try to nurse they said not now and told me they were going to give him a bottle later. I explained that I would be nursing so they did not have any authorization to give him a bottle unless I was unsuccessful and I would personally cup feed him if need be. As I had a premature nephew who was cup/tube feed for eight months and understand the procedure. The nurses said "it's alot of work to cup feed and we are busy". I was firm and he was cup feed. The next visit I just decided to try breastfeeding and he latched on right away. We got the nurse who said (from 5 feet away) "looks good, you are fine". And left.

It took over 30 hours for me to finally meet the doctor who was treating my son in NICU, eventhough I asked several times to speak to whomever was treating my son to find out what they were treating him for. She said he was perfectly healthy and left the room. I recieved no answer as to why he wasn't with me and what treatments he was recieveing. I never saw that doctor again.

I was allowed to visit my son for brief periods every three hours. I was not allow to participate in his first bath but able to witness it. I had very little time with my son because the NICU was "busy". I felt as though I had to be forceful and aggressive to be heard or to be allowed in as he was not a "critical" case. They gave him a pacifier after I had asked them not too. I felt like they did that to calm him when I should have been there to hold him or comfort him. I was just down the hall and not doing anything but pumping and worrying.

Two and a half days later, he was brought to my room "because we are over crowded in NICU and he is perfectly healthy". Finally I had time with him. It felt like it was too late and that the bond we had from pregnacy was gone and I was just a new "nurse" to him.

In addition, seeing a lactation consultant was part of my birth plan and something that I made clear to each nurse I spoke with. I continuously asked if a LC was availabe and told that they woud get her to come see me. In the interim I was given everyone's option that any latch is a good latch and he's fine. It took two days to find out that they no longer staff LC's and one was never coming. I had one nurse who told me this and was nice enough to sit through a feeding and give some advice as a mom but was not trained in LC.

The nurses kept telling me my milk was in and he was fine. However I could not pump milk and he would feed for an hour and I would have to cup feed afterwards. I was released from the hospital because "we need your room, can you go home". I went home and began a 14 hour cluster feed with my son. We were on the verge of going back to the hospital at 5 am when I was so exausted and my son had been screaming for 6 hours when I finally felt my milk come in and he drank. That was the first moment that I felt our connection from pregnancy. That is when I felt like a mom. That was our magic moment that I hold on to. When we created our bond and he fell asleep in my arms, content. That's when I became his mom.

I am angry. I am angry that my doctor was barely there and would barely talk to me other then to say "you can do this or have a c-section" but not explain what other options there could be. I am angry because the OBGYN acted like I was not there. I am angry that during the hardest time in my life the Doctor and OBGYN were talking about golf and how many C-sections they had this week and dismissed my questions. I am angry that I was not involved in the treatment and care of my son. I am angry that they told us "no camera's in the OR" then asked us where our camera was to take a picture before they took our son to the NICU. I am angry that I was lied to about an LC. I am angry that it took 5 hours to hold my son. I am angry that everytime I wanted to see him they would roll their eyes and be bothered to take me down/get him to me. I am angry that he had a pacifier and almost a bottle. I am angry at myself for not producing milk or being strong enough to have him naturally. I am angry at my husband for being so damn sweet, he tried so hard to be supportive but said all the wrong things and doesn't understand. I am angry that I was alone alot in the hospital because my husband had to work. I am angry that this is my experience and nothing will ever change it. I am angry that I did not participate in the birth of my son. He was not delivered or birthed.. he was "taken", "removed" like an appendix...

I am angry that no one understands. I am angry that I have to go through this alone, although I have family and friends that love me. I am angry that I didn't do anything wrong, read all the books about doing it right - and I wasn't good enough.

I am angry that one day I will have to tell my son about this and I wont know how to. I don't know if I can ever talk about it without getting upset.

I am SO angry that this increases my chances of another C-section. I am hoping for a VBAC and know that I am going to stress during my next pregnancy about this. If I have another C-section we are done having kids. What if I have another boy and really want to have a girl? I cant risk major surgery with two kids who need me. Its a VBAC or we are done. It puts way too much pressure on having a girl next. I am so angry. I am so anxious. I am ... so consumed that I am not myself. It is eating me up inside. Look at what I put my son through? Was I even meant to be a mother?

1) Thank you for taking time to read this. It helps to just get my story out

2) My son is a healthy, happy 14 month old. We laugh and enjoy every day. But in the back of my mind and in quiet moments I am overwhelmed with grief and regret. I am hoping one day I will be okay with all of this.

3) We have only recently weaned off nursing, I think this is the reason I was able to get through everything. Now that nursing is over - it brings everything back.

Just a note -

1) Thank you for taking time to read this. It helps to just get my story out

2) My son is a healthy, happy 14 month old. We laugh and enjoy every day. But in the back of my mind and in quiet moments I am overwhelmed with grief and regret. I am hoping one day I will be okay with all of this.

3) We have only recently weaned off nursing, I think this is the reason I was able to get through everything. Now that nursing is over - it brings everything back.

wow. I can understand the anger. that is a horrible birthing experience. the thing to keep in mind is that the ends justify the means. the fact that you have your son healthy and with you means that you did what was needed of you , and now you have the amazing job of being mommy.
on that note I would copy this and give it to that damn Obgyn! it pisses me off to read stories like these. they kept.my son away from me for 8 hours before I could see him and ny that time they'd already bottle fed him without my consent. he never could figure out how to latch on. I felt like a failure especially with the feeding consultants telling me that if I could bf then I was failing my child. be strong!

wow. I can understand the anger. that is a horrible birthing experience. the thing to keep in mind is that the ends justify the means. the fact that you have your son healthy and with you means that you did what was needed of you , and now you have the amazing job of being mommy.
on that note I would copy this and give it to that damn Obgyn! it pisses me off to read stories like these. they kept.my son away from me for 8 hours before I could see him and ny that time they'd already bottle fed him without my consent. he never could figure out how to latch on. I felt like a failure especially with the feeding consultants telling me that if I could bf then I was failing my child. be strong!

Your story is one that is heard too many times. It's heartbreaking that hospitals have become an industry that revolve around doctors schedules. Some hospitals are amazing and intimate while others are cold and similar to a factory. What you went through isn't right and no woman should ever have to deal with this. Hopefully as people become more informed they can help change childbirth back to an amazing natural experience that it should be.

Your story is one that is heard too many times. It's heartbreaking that hospitals have become an industry that revolve around doctors schedules. Some hospitals are amazing and intimate while others are cold and similar to a factory. What you went through isn't right and no woman should ever have to deal with this. Hopefully as people become more informed they can help change childbirth back to an amazing natural experience that it should be.

Sounds horrible. I had a similar situation with my first. It was completely the doctor, hospital and staff. My second whom I chose to have a c section with was so much better experience. Different doctor and different hospital. So much better. I suggest looking into a better doctor and also finding a better hospital that will support you and your choices. Good luck.

Sounds horrible. I had a similar situation with my first. It was completely the doctor, hospital and staff. My second whom I chose to have a c section with was so much better experience. Different doctor and different hospital. So much better. I suggest looking into a better doctor and also finding a better hospital that will support you and your choices. Good luck.

I totally understand how you feel I had a section and I felt the same way as if nothing went right and I dont want to have another child if I can't have a vbac another c section will not feel right. The pain alone can be unbearable. But, unlike you I didn't have to deal with rude hospital staff. That alone can depress a person. Do you see anyone about this?? If not, you should to get this out.

I totally understand how you feel I had a section and I felt the same way as if nothing went right and I dont want to have another child if I can't have a vbac another c section will not feel right. The pain alone can be unbearable. But, unlike you I didn't have to deal with rude hospital staff. That alone can depress a person. Do you see anyone about this?? If not, you should to get this out.

I understand how you feel and I understand the anger and regret. I just want you to know that I was able to VBAC with my 2nd and it was amazing. I don't feel like I really healed from the 1st experience until I had 2nd the way I had dreamed. Just know that you feelings are very valid. Next time you get pregnant or even before you get pregnant find a doctor is does VBACs regularly and who is very supportive to women who want to VBAC. I was a nervous wreck my whole second pregnancy worrying about another c-section, and I am due with #3 and worried about it again. Thanks for sharing your story and you are not alone!

I understand how you feel and I understand the anger and regret. I just want you to know that I was able to VBAC with my 2nd and it was amazing. I don't feel like I really healed from the 1st experience until I had 2nd the way I had dreamed. Just know that you feelings are very valid. Next time you get pregnant or even before you get pregnant find a doctor is does VBACs regularly and who is very supportive to women who want to VBAC. I was a nervous wreck my whole second pregnancy worrying about another c-section, and I am due with #3 and worried about it again. Thanks for sharing your story and you are not alone!

I am going to get chastised for this I'm sure, but I have to advocate for the devil here. I understand that you got treated like a pile of poo by the staff, and your son was unnecessarily separated from you. By all means, be upset about that. But it seems that what your dwelling on is kinda, well, completely pointless. If you are still holding onto anger that you had to have the c section in the first after more than a year, you might need to talk to a professional about it. Yes, women have been giving birth for hundreds of years. The other half of that thought is that they died trying. Often. More often, their babies died. Honestly, as a FTM, did you really never consider that as a possibility? Would you have genuinely preferred delivering a sleeping baby? I understand the need for a birth plan, but this is exactly why health professionals roll their eyes at them. Their job is to make sure you and your baby leave that hospital alive, period. In my opinion, everytime that happens its a success. Again, not to dismiss the fact that they did treat you poorly, since it seems like they did. You can't control what birth has in store for you. Please don't beat yourself up or think of yourself as a failure; you sound like a great mom! 14 months of successful breastfeeding is an amazing accomplishment! I have a friend who wanted several children, but had to have a radical hysterectomy after delivering her first. I know for a fact if she could go back and opt for the c section, she would! She truly has no options now, and lots of regret. Her baby will never get a sibling. So allowing this experience to tarnish your future pregnancy experiences is tragic. I have another friend who had a first time birth similar to yours, but just a few days ago had a successful, drug free VBAC. As you learned the first time around, anything can happen, good or bad. I hope you can heal from this and move forward.

I am going to get chastised for this I'm sure, but I have to advocate for the devil here. I understand that you got treated like a pile of poo by the staff, and your son was unnecessarily separated from you. By all means, be upset about that. But it seems that what your dwelling on is kinda, well, completely pointless. If you are still holding onto anger that you had to have the c section in the first after more than a year, you might need to talk to a professional about it. Yes, women have been giving birth for hundreds of years. The other half of that thought is that they died trying. Often. More often, their babies died. Honestly, as a FTM, did you really never consider that as a possibility? Would you have genuinely preferred delivering a sleeping baby? I understand the need for a birth plan, but this is exactly why health professionals roll their eyes at them. Their job is to make sure you and your baby leave that hospital alive, period. In my opinion, everytime that happens its a success. Again, not to dismiss the fact that they did treat you poorly, since it seems like they did. You can't control what birth has in store for you. Please don't beat yourself up or think of yourself as a failure; you sound like a great mom! 14 months of successful breastfeeding is an amazing accomplishment! I have a friend who wanted several children, but had to have a radical hysterectomy after delivering her first. I know for a fact if she could go back and opt for the c section, she would! She truly has no options now, and lots of regret. Her baby will never get a sibling. So allowing this experience to tarnish your future pregnancy experiences is tragic. I have another friend who had a first time birth similar to yours, but just a few days ago had a successful, drug free VBAC. As you learned the first time around, anything can happen, good or bad. I hope you can heal from this and move forward.

Totally agree with you. I had almost the exact experience except they DIDN'T do a Csection when they should have my daughter was left in there with no fluid for 48 hours which was not good she ended up getting a very bad infection in her body and I wS not allowed to hold her bc of all her IVs they ended up releasing me and keeping her for 2 weeks. I don't dwell on it I'm thankful to have her alive and healthy and she's 4 now!

Totally agree with you. I had almost the exact experience except they DIDN'T do a Csection when they should have my daughter was left in there with no fluid for 48 hours which was not good she ended up getting a very bad infection in her body and I wS not allowed to hold her bc of all her IVs they ended up releasing me and keeping her for 2 weeks. I don't dwell on it I'm thankful to have her alive and healthy and she's 4 now!

You are wonder mom! My delivery was nothing like yours and I can't imagine what you went through. As I read your story I thought of something my dad once told me.. " sometimes you should just focus on the destination not the journey". Your journey to a healthy baby boy sucked but the destination was so worth it. I know dad completely contradicts the sage-like wisdom of Miley Cyrus. ( it's all about the climb). As far as telling your son... He will understand. My mom had a terrible delivery with my brother. Similar to yours in ways. Brother was born dead and had to be revived and is now deaf in one ear. He is currently an aviation mechanic and makes stupid money. Point is ... He is alive and doesn't care how crappy his journey into this world was. He hates that mom didn't get what she wanted but is glad he is here to hold his niece. He told me during labor that he couldn't do what women do every day. Feel better and try not to let this incident determine if you hAve another baby.

You are wonder mom! My delivery was nothing like yours and I can't imagine what you went through. As I read your story I thought of something my dad once told me.. " sometimes you should just focus on the destination not the journey". Your journey to a healthy baby boy sucked but the destination was so worth it. I know dad completely contradicts the sage-like wisdom of Miley Cyrus. ( it's all about the climb). As far as telling your son... He will understand. My mom had a terrible delivery with my brother. Similar to yours in ways. Brother was born dead and had to be revived and is now deaf in one ear. He is currently an aviation mechanic and makes stupid money. Point is ... He is alive and doesn't care how crappy his journey into this world was. He hates that mom didn't get what she wanted but is glad he is here to hold his niece. He told me during labor that he couldn't do what women do every day. Feel better and try not to let this incident determine if you hAve another baby.

While I appreciated the latter half of your post and the concern for your friend's experiences - You have just encapsulated all the reasons why women with post partum struggle to find support and understanding in one sentence "But it seems that what your dwelling on is kinda, well, completely pointless."

I went into my experience with a very solid understanding of labor/delivery and the possibility of a c-section. Although I wanted a natural birth, the minute they said he was in jeopardy I agreed to the section (not that I had much of a choice). I had a medical doctor review my charts and tell me that my csection was not necessary and that there were many opportunities to try something else to avoid the section. He was surprised at how medication was pushed and I was not permitted to try any "alternatives" that would be both safe and practical. He also said that the csection was not necessary at the time I was told I had no choice. He said the baby's charts showed that the baby was getting tired - but that he would not have rushed the gun. I had time left and was dialating well.

I have a nephew who was born at 26 WEEKS. He LIVED in an incubator for months. We could not hold him for almost six weeks. He lived in the hospital for 5 1/2 months and was tube feed for 8. He has cerebral palsy and may never walk. He has so many health issues we are still uncovering four years later. I understand how lucky I am to have a healthy son. I understand why my nephew's birth was much more traumatic then my story.

HOWEVER I cannot control that my body and mind are reacting so dramatically to my birth. I did not think I would ever experience PTSD, or any form of depression/mental issues. I have no history. I consider myself well supported and grounded. I have never reacted to anything like this before. I actually spend my life assisting others through stressful times and conflict. I always believed I was mentally tough and major issues never bothered me. I could always work through it. It is beyond me why it affects me so bad that I cry at night. That I cannot talk about this. That my own family cannot understand/relate.... I am experiencing physical pain, it is unbelievable how it affects you.

So I go on a message board to seek out people who may be experiencing PSTD or may be able to relate understand.. and get told

"But it seems that what your dwelling on is kinda, well, completely pointless."

There is a reason people love to tell their birth stories. I do not consider my birth story to be pointless. Maybe your birth story is pointless to you. Maybe you walked away without a scar, concern or care in the world. OBVIOUSLY my story meant something to me. My treatment by the medical staff was terrible. But if I dont talk about it, how am I ever going to get passed the anger? I actually sought assistance from a counselor who said the best thing would be to right out my story, with all the emotion that I have bottled up, and share it in a safe environment. He even suggested a site for women with PSTD. I came here to share my story and find support.

Why are you on a post partum forum if you think that dwelling on it is "pointless". If I could "get over it" I would. It would be wonderful to not have this hanging over me. Instead I am trying my BEST to work through it. And then I have to deal with people who dismiss it as "dwelling". Getting it out - sharing the pain - those HELP.

This is the reason it took me 14 months to finally post this. I was so afraid of getting hurt by people who do not understand.

And FYI - I work for the Health Care System and have brought my concerns to the right managers/directors and know that positive change is happening because I told them my story. I can guarantee you that for most health professionals - its not just get you in and get you out. Some people actually care about other people and their experiences. Avoiding complications from a C-section - very important. Avioding unnecessary MAJOR surgery - very important.

I am trying to make peace with what happened, prepare for what might happen for my next child, and educate people on what I went through.

All I can say at first is... WOW.

While I appreciated the latter half of your post and the concern for your friend's experiences - You have just encapsulated all the reasons why women with post partum struggle to find support and understanding in one sentence "But it seems that what your dwelling on is kinda, well, completely pointless."

I went into my experience with a very solid understanding of labor/delivery and the possibility of a c-section. Although I wanted a natural birth, the minute they said he was in jeopardy I agreed to the section (not that I had much of a choice). I had a medical doctor review my charts and tell me that my csection was not necessary and that there were many opportunities to try something else to avoid the section. He was surprised at how medication was pushed and I was not permitted to try any "alternatives" that would be both safe and practical. He also said that the csection was not necessary at the time I was told I had no choice. He said the baby's charts showed that the baby was getting tired - but that he would not have rushed the gun. I had time left and was dialating well.

I have a nephew who was born at 26 WEEKS. He LIVED in an incubator for months. We could not hold him for almost six weeks. He lived in the hospital for 5 1/2 months and was tube feed for 8. He has cerebral palsy and may never walk. He has so many health issues we are still uncovering four years later. I understand how lucky I am to have a healthy son. I understand why my nephew's birth was much more traumatic then my story.

HOWEVER I cannot control that my body and mind are reacting so dramatically to my birth. I did not think I would ever experience PTSD, or any form of depression/mental issues. I have no history. I consider myself well supported and grounded. I have never reacted to anything like this before. I actually spend my life assisting others through stressful times and conflict. I always believed I was mentally tough and major issues never bothered me. I could always work through it. It is beyond me why it affects me so bad that I cry at night. That I cannot talk about this. That my own family cannot understand/relate.... I am experiencing physical pain, it is unbelievable how it affects you.

So I go on a message board to seek out people who may be experiencing PSTD or may be able to relate understand.. and get told

"But it seems that what your dwelling on is kinda, well, completely pointless."

There is a reason people love to tell their birth stories. I do not consider my birth story to be pointless. Maybe your birth story is pointless to you. Maybe you walked away without a scar, concern or care in the world. OBVIOUSLY my story meant something to me. My treatment by the medical staff was terrible. But if I dont talk about it, how am I ever going to get passed the anger? I actually sought assistance from a counselor who said the best thing would be to right out my story, with all the emotion that I have bottled up, and share it in a safe environment. He even suggested a site for women with PSTD. I came here to share my story and find support.

Why are you on a post partum forum if you think that dwelling on it is "pointless". If I could "get over it" I would. It would be wonderful to not have this hanging over me. Instead I am trying my BEST to work through it. And then I have to deal with people who dismiss it as "dwelling". Getting it out - sharing the pain - those HELP.

This is the reason it took me 14 months to finally post this. I was so afraid of getting hurt by people who do not understand.

And FYI - I work for the Health Care System and have brought my concerns to the right managers/directors and know that positive change is happening because I told them my story. I can guarantee you that for most health professionals - its not just get you in and get you out. Some people actually care about other people and their experiences. Avoiding complications from a C-section - very important. Avioding unnecessary MAJOR surgery - very important.

I am trying to make peace with what happened, prepare for what might happen for my next child, and educate people on what I went through.

Thank you for sharing your story. I could not imaging going eight hours and not being able to BF. You are not failing your child! The fact that you love your child so much that you tried and that you wanted to share that with him is what is most important. You are a good mom!

Thank you for sharing your story. I could not imaging going eight hours and not being able to BF. You are not failing your child! The fact that you love your child so much that you tried and that you wanted to share that with him is what is most important. You are a good mom!

I am glad u were able to talk to the leadership team. I want u to know that what they did and how they treated was unfair and not right. I have a something I want to say and I hope everyone reading this will see what I am trying to say. I am not sure how to say this so I will just say it. I can't have natural births. I am on my third pregnancy which also means my third c section. I have only experienced labor once and ended up with a c section. Turns out I have a small birthing canal. Before you start feeling to sorry for me. Let me just say how much I hate physical pain. even before I was pregnant. I do not feel cheated out of the birthing experience with my children. I understand why you felt the way you did it makes sense. I would be angry too. I just hate reading about how u felt like a failure for not being able to deliver natural. In my eyes I thought you did. you went through so many hours of labor that I know I couldn't have handled.
so please see that in my eyes, a women who has to have c sections. You did it! Your a great mom. O has for your husband ten to one he didn't even know your mad at him or even why try talking to him
Good Luck with this pregnancy

I am glad u were able to talk to the leadership team. I want u to know that what they did and how they treated was unfair and not right. I have a something I want to say and I hope everyone reading this will see what I am trying to say. I am not sure how to say this so I will just say it. I can't have natural births. I am on my third pregnancy which also means my third c section. I have only experienced labor once and ended up with a c section. Turns out I have a small birthing canal. Before you start feeling to sorry for me. Let me just say how much I hate physical pain. even before I was pregnant. I do not feel cheated out of the birthing experience with my children. I understand why you felt the way you did it makes sense. I would be angry too. I just hate reading about how u felt like a failure for not being able to deliver natural. In my eyes I thought you did. you went through so many hours of labor that I know I couldn't have handled.
so please see that in my eyes, a women who has to have c sections. You did it! Your a great mom. O has for your husband ten to one he didn't even know your mad at him or even why try talking to him
Good Luck with this pregnancy

I am glad u were able to talk to the leadership team. I want u to know that what they did and how they treated was unfair and not right. I have a something I want to say and I hope everyone reading this will see what I am trying to say. I am not sure how to say this so I will just say it. I can't have natural births. I am on my third pregnancy which also means my third c section. I have only experienced labor once and ended up with a c section. Turns out I have a small birthing canal. Before you start feeling to sorry for me. Let me just say how much I hate physical pain. even before I was pregnant. I do not feel cheated out of the birthing experience with my children. I understand why you felt the way you did it makes sense. I would be angry too. I just hate reading about how u felt like a failure for not being able to deliver natural. In my eyes I thought you did. you went through so many hours of labor that I know I couldn't have handled.
so please see that in my eyes, a women who has to have c sections. You did it! Your a great mom. O has for your husband ten to one he didn't even know your mad at him or even why try talking to him
Good Luck with this pregnancy

I am glad u were able to talk to the leadership team. I want u to know that what they did and how they treated was unfair and not right. I have a something I want to say and I hope everyone reading this will see what I am trying to say. I am not sure how to say this so I will just say it. I can't have natural births. I am on my third pregnancy which also means my third c section. I have only experienced labor once and ended up with a c section. Turns out I have a small birthing canal. Before you start feeling to sorry for me. Let me just say how much I hate physical pain. even before I was pregnant. I do not feel cheated out of the birthing experience with my children. I understand why you felt the way you did it makes sense. I would be angry too. I just hate reading about how u felt like a failure for not being able to deliver natural. In my eyes I thought you did. you went through so many hours of labor that I know I couldn't have handled.
so please see that in my eyes, a women who has to have c sections. You did it! Your a great mom. O has for your husband ten to one he didn't even know your mad at him or even why try talking to him
Good Luck with this pregnancy

I think Strawberry hit it on the head. So many women create too many expectations for birthing in their mind but for the most part, it will never be what you dream about or expect. There are way too many variables. Just be glad that your son is healthy and don't dwell on the past. Its not healthy for you, your family or if you have another.

I think Strawberry hit it on the head. So many women create too many expectations for birthing in their mind but for the most part, it will never be what you dream about or expect. There are way too many variables. Just be glad that your son is healthy and don't dwell on the past. Its not healthy for you, your family or if you have another.

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