Never-Trumper Mitt Romney: Please, Call Me Jeff Flake

WASHINGTON – Thanks for nothing, Utah! Incoming “Republican” senator Mitt Romney started off the new year by slamming President Trump. He criticized the president’s character, and said Trump has lowered the bar for what it means to be president.

“They don’t call me ‘Mittens’ for nothing,” Romney grinned. “I’m taking the gloves off with the leader of my own party. My wife gave me a set of balls for Christmas.” Ann Romney had given her husband a pair of ping pong balls, which suited him perfectly – plastic and lightweight.

“Mr. Romney!” reporters shouted. “Please, call me Jeff Flake,” the Utah senator-elect told them. “I’m looking forward to picking up where Jeff left off.” The remark was an obvious doff of the cap to outgoing Arizona loser, Jeff Flake. Flake had to ditch his reelection bid because he was a Never-Trumper and a first-class douchebag.

“2019 will be the start of ‘The Romsistance,’ of which I am the leader. Democrats can have their ‘Resistance,’ but I will constantly attack and try to undermine the president from within his own ranks. You’re welcome.”

Mittens feels more comfortable publicly trash talking Trump these days, after being so timid in 2012 that he forced the nation to endure 4 more years of Obama and his vacationing wife. Once again, thanks Utah.