My hubby expects sex everyday!! Please help me!!

Erinn - posted on 04/18/2009
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I really need help! My husband has the highest sex drive of anyone i've ever met! We have a 3 year old son and 5 month old daughter and i'm up very early everyday with 2 young children while he sleeps in (he's unemployed right now) and at the end of the day (despite my major exhaustion level) he expects me to be in "the mood" and if i'm not and just wanna get some sleep, he gets pissed off at me because he expects sex EVERYDAY and miss just one day and there's an argument ready to happen! :*( I really do love him and desperately WANT my marriage to work, but I feel like my needs (of sleep) are being totally ignored!! This is not fair to me and all I do these days is cry. Can someone PLEASE help me??

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There have been times in our relationship where my husband's drive was higher than mine and vise versa. So it's pretty safe to say, I've been on both sides of the stick and can empathize with both your situations... What I've found is, the way were react in our "marriage beds" is often an indicator of situations going on in our lives. Your husband may be reaching out to you physically (needing to feel needed) because he is burdened by the fact he is currently unemployed. He may be hurting deep down over not being able to provide for his family and needs reasurance that he is still the man in your life. I know this is probably not the answer you were hoping to hear but I encourage you reach out to him in the way he is reaching for you (heck, even surprise him by initiating it)... remind yourself that this "season" is only temporary. I'll be praying for you guys!!!

hi hav just read all these replays all i can say is thank u God 4 giving me my hubby we dont hav much pysicial contact as my hubby has asd high functioning autism but he gets up at 4 am cleans all downstairs every day before going 2 work he doesnt earn much but hasalways provided 4 me and r 2 children who still r at home i am a christian my hubby is not walking with God but God hasnt left him just so grateful 4 what he does 4 me dishes cooks meals i suffer with arthritis had a complete organ failure but God spared my life Gods blessings r new every morning thank him 4 his faithfulness its hard going living with 2 people with asd yet so thankful 4 all i hav in christ rejoice in ursaviourx

Angela's suggestions are all good. I know with my own dear hubby, when he was unemployed I would come home from work, the house was trashed, no dinner started (but this was a blessing in disguise ;)), no homework done--and I quietly seethed. THEN, when I got dinner going, cleared a path through the house, got homework started, got baths done, and got them into bed, the LAST thing on my mind was sex. My husband believed that since he couldn't make me happy by working, he could at least perform sexually. As a matter of fact, during this time, he announced that we hadn't had sex in two weeks, so he might as well leave, the marriage was over. I was driving 60 miles one way, brought work home with me every night. I was on beyond exhausted.

Chris, you say you are on this forum to learn--well, here goes ;) Dr James Dobson once said that sometimes the sexiest thing a man can do is do the dishes. I want you to understand and tell all your buddies that if they would help share the burden a little bit, you just might get lucky more often. Women can't switch the mood on and off like men. We are made differently. A woman needs to feel like things are all right in her world to be in the mood, and a guy wants sex to MAKE things right in HIS world. Can you see a conflict brewing here?

Honest, open communication between a husband and wife is crucial. Also, might I add, proper Biblical teaching. The Holy Spirit wrote through Paul that Man is, as head of the household, ordered by God to (1) love his wife more than he loves his own body. You want sex? Take a look at your wife. If she has that dead look in her eyes as she is cleaning up your mess, she needs help. YOU are her help, just as much as she is your help. Pitch in and help clean, give the kids a bath, read them a story. Women have been led to believe they are supposed to work all day, cook and clean all night, then jump into bed like a vixen. This has resulted in stress-related illnesses that will pop up at the most inopportune times. Heart attacks in women are at an all-time high. If you are a Christian, you, as husband, are also responsible for your wife's spiritual condition. Paul talks about women asking questions of their husbands at home. This sounds terribly sexist, but, if you look at it from God's perspective, it isn't. The husband is to make sure his wife and children fully understand the Bible and are on sure footing with the Lord. You will stand before God and give answer for why or why not your wife's spiritual condition is so shaky.(2) I Peter 3:7 says: 'Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honor unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.' If a husband is NOT treating his wife as she needs, your prayers will not be answered. And notice this says dwell with them according to knowledge. This means you are supposed to KNOW what your wife needs. I hear men say 'my wife is a mystery.' That's YOUR fault! Get to know why she cries all the time--why she groans when you want sex--men, wake up! (3) I Timothy 5:8: 'But if any provide not for his own, and especially for those of his own house, he hath denied the faith, and is worse than in infidel'. Everyone goes through joblessness, but that shouldn't last long. We don't always start off at the top of the ladder, we have to work our way up, which takes time. But if you are just eking out a living and this goes on year after year, you are not providing. When we were raising our children, both my husband and I got second jobs. He would work all night at a convenience store and go to his regular job at a lumber yard in the morning. This is what a man does for his family.

Aren't you glad you responded, Chris ;) But this is just a little food for thought. Instead of cranking up the old porn, roll your sleeves up and help your wife. I can just about guarantee things will go smoother.

Ahhhh Sex! Unfortunately, men need sex more than we do! They can't help that urge but they can control it in a healthy way! Sex is a stress release for men and the fact that they can please their wife gives them a boost in ego. Since he is out of a job right now, he is needing that boost! I have to ask, when you have sex, how good is it? Is it the tired, hurry up kind, or is it thought out and thoughtful and romantic? You and your hubby need to re-evaluate the sex thing. Your needs have changed, and his needs have changed. You need more sleep and he is in need of more sex so what to do? When I had my youngest, my husband and I bought the book "Sheet Music" by Kevin Lehman and man, did the sparks fly!!! I was a tired, worn out mom with a 5 month old baby, a 3 year old, and a 7 year old but I found the time to have good sex with my husband with the help of this book. It deals with the emotional and physical needs of a couple. It shown men what women need (including sleep) and women what men need. I would suggest you get the book and read it TOGETHER. Since he seems to be overbearing in the sex situation I would say you have to initiate good sex first. Men can go 72 hours physically before their testosterone gets too built up again. I would suggest taking the time to prepare yourself for sex and ask your hubby to help you. tell him you want to give him a special night but you need help. Ask him to help out with the kids that day so you can prepare yourself. Be flirty all day with him and build up his anticipation, when time to hit the sheets comes, go take a warm bath and get relaxed. Slip into something sexy and then take the time to fulfill your husbands sexual needs, I am sure you know what he likes, give it to him! I have read that sex is a meal and if you take the time and energy to give your husband a 4 course meal, he will be full and satisfied and have no room for seconds! The next night the urge for sex will not be as bad because he will still be "full" that is where you can get your sleep!!!!! Since he is so demanding it may take a few nights of this, but it is worth it in the long run, then when he is not so sexually frustrated, he will be able to see past his own needs and start working towards fulfilling yours, the nagging for sex will turn into romancing you for sex. Good luck and seriously, get the book! unfortunately, he can't see past his own needs right now so you must be the one to make the first move, give him what he needs, which is you, and his heart will be softened and then you can work together to resolve the issue. Through out all of this ask God to help you have the energy to satisfy your husband, He will guide you and help you get through this hurdle.

I used to think this was a problem. I just had to reframe it a bit and ask to have some needs met too. First of all, I realized that after 15 years and 2 kids under 5 my husband still found me sexy and desirable. I have sex 7 days a week whether I want to or not. We did have to compromise a bit on vaginal sex because I can't physically take 7 days a week of piv sex no matter how gentle he is. We only do that 3-5 nights.

I offer him my hands mouth and breasts. I talk sexy to him and wear something he likes to see me in. I make him feel like a man who is desired and wanted. He knows I don't want it all the time but it makes him feel so happy and special to know I go out of my way to make some nights all about his pleasure.

I can tell you this, our marriage is so much better! He is loving and attentive and kind. He helps with dinner sometimes and let's me sleep in on the weekend or takes the kids to the park so I get a break. He knows if I am rested he gets more of what he wants so it's win win.

On nights I am really tired I have a bit of coffee or an energy drink so we can have sex. It doesn't have to take long if we don't want it to! If I don't want vaginal sex I do most of the work with my hands etc, then let him finish inside of me so I don't get sore and worn out.

My hubby works hard at a job he hates to provide for us. Sex from me makes him feel appreciated and loved and connected to me so I give it to him.

My family life is better and he is more helpful because he is so happy! If I want help with the kids he doesn't say no because I don't say no to him at night anymore.

Give it a try ladies, you might be surprised by how loving and helpful your husband is if you give him what he wants. I am glad I decided to turn things around.

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Bryophyte - posted on 02/16/2014

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Just wake him up in the morning when the kids wake up. Both of you can tend to the kids and all chores should be split in the middle since he is unemployed. Tire him Out during the day that way you are not as tired. Most men are like children, if he is laying around the House all day with nothing to do of course he is going to get bored and only think of sex. If he refuses to help then im sorry to say that unless you accept that things Will stay the same or Only get worse from Now on and make peace with that, you marriage Will most likely not last no matter how badly you want it to. You both are miserable Now and unless he changes, then thing Will only go downhill from now

Well, Teri, it sounds like God has spoken to your husband to give him wisdom. You may not SEE the spiritual fruits yet, but I would imagine they're coming. I thank God EVERY day for speaking to my beloved--albeit a little late ;)

And Angela, don't envy those older nuns, pity them. I used to work for the Catholic Conference and one of our duties was to go visit the Sisters Infirmaries, their name for the old folks home for nuns. They were depressed and lonely. They had given their lives, but the end of their time wasn't happy. I felt terribly sorry for them. AND, my boss was a former nun, and a high ranking one, too. We talked for hours about the on-going affair she had with another priest in a very important political seat. She left the order, but he didn't. A lot of tragedy being hidden.

Families are God's gift to us. Sometimes we'd like to return the package saying 'no thanks' ;) But in the end, we realize what a beautiful treasure He gave us, and how lucky we are.

You are exactly right, Angela. If I KNOW my husband has 'ulterior motives', I am not near as impressed with the help. I wish I could take the top off men's heads and pour our thoughts and emotions into them so they could FEEL what we do. But, here again, this is where the Holy Spirit said 'live with your wife according to knowledge'. When we marry, we are supposed to be one flesh. But how CAN we, when neither of us understands the other? When I was younger, I would think what WAS he thinking? Now, after 40 years of marriage, I am understanding--a BIT ;)

Paul was all about self control. He showed this by being celibate. Now as far as I know, he was a healthy adult male, and must have certainly have had 'urges'. But he didn't have a wife, he couldn't have completed his mission having to worry about a wife. But the point IS, he did it. Men CAN control themselves, but it takes effort. But the benefits of taking the 'Me, me, me, me' out of our lives and putting our spouse first far out-weighs anything we might feel we have lost.

Carla’s put it so much better than I did! My issue was that I was looking at it from the wife’s point of view – rather than the husband’s point of view! So yes, approaching these strategies as a wife and deciding you’ll “reward” the husband with sex for the scenarios I’ve suggested - isn’t really going to work – for the reasons I stated. However, if you, as the HUSBAND, decide to put into practice those things I’ve suggested, then guess what? It’ll probably work!

But note – I say “probably” – there is no “definitely” with this! Please do NOT get busy with the aim of getting sex and making it obvious as you do so! Comments like “I’m only doing this so you’ll do something for me” etc…. will hardly impress and comfort the lady. Nothing is more demoralizing to a weary wife than a husband who says at bedtime “Hey! This isn’t fair! I did X, Y & Z for you today and you still won’t succumb to my advances!” Because, pretty much whatever you do for the home and the family won’t ever be as much as SHE does. But since Rome wasn’t built in a day, it’s good to make the effort – it gets you both on the same page with your relationship.

With my own former marriage it continued to be a problem. The fact is, I was only “valued” for my skill and willingness as a sexual partner. He didn’t particularly like my company in any other respect. Even when I agreed to sex, he often found fault with my technique etc …. Any husband who puts sex over and above every other aspect of a relationship isn’t really in any position to complain when his wife is less than willing or enthusiastic.

Sorry Chris P - this is a Christian Forum so porn isn't a solution we can accept. Thank you though for trying to give some insight from the male point of view.

I totally agree that unemployment has a lot to do with it. My own former husband was unemployed throughout our 8 year marriage. It may be psychological - if they're not "providing" materially they feel they need to assert their masculinity via sexual performance! Especially when you remember that sex costs nothing so it's a treat that isn't affected by the fact no earnings are coming into the house ....

But identifying causes often brings about unhealthy or unequal solutions .....

For example, if your unemployed husband simply quits the morning lie-ins and helps out with the kids and the housework ....

Or even if he helps with the kids and the house without giving up his morning lie-ins ....

If he makes the effort to look for and apply for work ....

If he gets a job interview ....

If he can produce lively topics of conversation and communication that have nothing to do with sex - show interest in you as a PERSON ....

All of these situations are possible scenarios where you might "reward" him with sex .... Sounds great, yes?

Except sex is supposed to be a mutually enjoyable activity - equally rewarding for both of you! Any of the above situations where you "reward" him with sex will make him feel like a child who's been give $1 for washing the dishes ....

So you need to communicate with him and explain that sex is SUPPOSED to be a treat for BOTH of you and that you'd feel you were selling him short if you submit to sex simply to keep him quiet. Ask him if sex is so important that he'd prefer poor quality sex on a regular basis to mutually enjoyable sex on a less regular basis. By "poor quality sex" I mean sex that isn't so great for one of you.

I think your problem is not sex, but your husbant's unemployment. It gets men's sex drive boosted, as sex gets men's ego boosted, which is at a low end when men are unemployed (the extra free time also helps). . i am currently unemployed, want sex more than once per day, but my wife is only willing to have sex twice a week, and that's a maybe, so, i know what you face. Btw yes i am a man, in this forum, but i am trying to improve my relationship by understanding women's point of view.

There is no way to minimise your husbant's sex drive down ( well except maybe from those pills they gave us in the army that do that). What your husbant can do, is realise that you are not his property just because you are his wife, divert his energy so that he respects your desires. What he has to do is learn to google, find porn, and leave you alone hald the days of the week. Its very hard to say that to a man and have him accept it, especially when it comes to sex, so its easier to "point it out" without many words( you find the best way according to your type of relationship)

I would LOVE to know what is so magical about sex at evening time or during the night! Does anyone know the answer to this? I have already suggested in my previous post that Erinn might initiate lovemaking at a different time of the day and I hope and pray this works for her. However, if my memory serves me correctly this "sex at night" preference was a huge issue with my first husband. I tried the daytime sex thing and it was good! I was happy, satisfied and the, er, conclusion was much swifter than at nighttime! That's another reason why I preferred it during the day (or first thing on a morning is especially good!). But unfortunately for me, he still wanted the night time "service" as well.

It was "normal" for him to continue for several hours (if it was a nighttime session) and I was so weary. I once said I just wanted to pop downstairs for a drink of water (we had no bathroom upstairs). I went downstairs, had my drink, cleared the couch and laid on it, covering myself with 2 heavy coats for warmth. It was 3am. After an hour he came downstairs looking for me - offended, outraged, angry and making it clear that the only way I would be forgiven was to go back upstairs and take up where we'd left off. I was in tears.

And so it went on. It got to the stage where I was begging for morning sex before we'd gotten out of bed. He started refusing saying "You're only asking for this to 'get it over and done with' thinking you won't need to do anything later on tonight!" If I rested through the day to conserve my strength and energy, he'd complain the housework wasn't done!

I know that feeling I'm pretty well in the situation now. My partner isn't quite as pushy any more. I make it simple i'm busy with kids all day on my feet I finally get a rest i don't have the energy plus i've had 2 c sections so very tender. I understand your partners probably feeling depressed and unwanted. But he should know that's not the case. It's not that you don't care or want him or anything. couselling might be good if he's open to it. But I doubt it men can be stubborn. But he needs to be encouraged to help out and also go out once in a while get some sunshine for a pick me up. But he cannot expect you to do everything and then have the energy for that too.

at least your husband wants you mine has not for years now not getting any better but first things first you are a human being and a mum i he can't help you out then he needs to understand that you are tired and need rest and getting up earlt to your littleones a marriage is give andtake both ways and helping each other and communicating which my husband knows just does not care don't let your marriage get like this i have treid not to it is just him

all i do is cry because my husband does not want any sexual contact is this down 2 him having aspergers am i meant 2 live like this the rest of my live i am only 47 i feel so alone also have son with aspergersxx

hi, I sympathize with you, I know what its like to really need sleep. I know this will sound really simple but its true, you need to TALK to you hubby and let him know how you feel and that you love him but you need SLEEP. this is only temporary, things will get better. Lord bless !!

It's hard when they don't realize your needs. It is exhausting when you have 3 fighting for your attention. Sometimes our husbands don't understand how pulled we are. It is not that you don't want to be with your husband, but every night wow, who can hold up to that. Have you told him your feelings about it and that it is not that you don't want to be with him, but that you have no time for yourself and it is hard to want sex when you feel like you are neglecting yourself, maybe he could let you have some time to yourself several times a week so that you could relax and maybe feel like having some quaility time. Because to me you can have sex everyday it may not be any fun. But if you could take the time to really be together not just sex, but romance it would be more enjoyable for both of you. I think if you entice him with some of the things he likes, you know what that is he may be more open to the idea of quality not quantity. Try it I think you will enjoy the time too.

You must start with communication. You have to talk about it. Both of you have something to say and both of you needs to listen to what the other is saying. Believe me, being the mother of 4 kids, I FEEL you exhaustion! You need to set aside time for yourselves. It has to be planned like a date. Arrange care for the children even if it is just for a" night in". You can make that time very special and sensual. It will mean a lot more than just "going along with it to avoid a fight". Set aside a day every week if possible. Give him something to look forward to. As the kids get a little older, your exhaustion won't be at LEVEL 5! But you do have to talk it out with your husband. Be frank, honest. Good luck!

My husband was unemployed for 4 1/2 months. It is a very hard time for a man who knows he is not able to support the family. Sex is a way for your man to get support from you. It is psycologically like communication is for a woman. You would be upset if he went a whole day with out talking to you! I am not saying it has to be everyday, but you did take a vow to cherish him, and he is needing that from you right now. Since he is not working try getting him interested in the morning, or when your kids are napping.

try bribing.... for everything he does for you, he gets something in return. such as if he gets up with the kids and lets you sleep in, he'll get something in return, from my experiance and talking to other moms, most men just don't feel it's their responsibility to take care of the kids so long as you are at home AND the more a man does for you and shows you he loves you by doing these things, the more likely YOU will be in the mood too.

I had to add another book to the one I suggested earlier. "Sheet Music" by Kevin Lehman deals with identifying the differences between the male and female sex drive and also gives you different sexual ideas, tips, and tricks to make sex life more fun. There is another great book on sex called "The Book of Romance" by Tommy Nelson this book also deals with the sexual differences between men and women and it goes through the Song of Solomon and teaches why romance is important in a marriage and how to solve conflicts that come up from time to time. Both books are very informative and they are VERY fun to read together..........

I think that Catherine was dead on most times I think sex is not about the actaul sex to a man it's about feeling needed and wanted by there wives and sometimes when you feel like you have sex out of obligation that need is not met because they feel like it rejection from you even if you "give in "so it may sound unfeminist of me but I feel like you need to approach his need at this time with more of an open heart and I am sure you might start to look forward to these moments even when your tried and dont feel like it. I can tell you love your husband and it may seem harsh for someone to say just do it and enjoy it your husband really might start to feel more able to help and more intune with your own needs because he's good he feels loved and wanted and able to do more for you it most likely is just something he needs now it wont last forever i will pray for you hope i didnt sound to a do whatever your husband wants kind of woman but hopefully we all have spouses that put there needs in front of there own and try to do the same in return sometimes on partner just needs more

My heart goes out to you. I've been on both sides, too. This too shall pass. You're in my prayers. My advice would be to talk to him during the day when he isn't in bed, and let him know you are exhausted. Talk when there is no one around and you can get your words out without raising your voice. Keep your voice calm even if he raises his. Let him know what your needs are. Ask if you can have sex every other night or so. Or during the day when the kids are taking a nap. There has to be times other than late at night when you are exhausted. Just talk to him and be honest with your feelings. Let him know you love him but need time to sleep, too. There has to be a medium somewhere.

Erinn, my heart goes out to you! A few years back I was with little kids and my husband was unemployed. It was a terrible time. I was exhausted with taking care of the kids day and night and then worrying about money. All I wanted to do was sleep when ever I could. It was the only time I didn't feel sad. I'm not sure how we got through that time but we did. It was like a vicious circle, I was tired and gave all myself to the kids, then my husband would feel rejected and was short tempered with me and the kids, then I began to feel bitter towards him and him towards me. Communication is huge! Try to work something out. Maybe he can take the kids for 2 hrs. during the day and you can take a nap. Take turns getting up in the morning, every other day you can sleep in. Talk about a time when sex is better for you. It doesn't have to be at night after a long day. (just some suggestions). My kids are getting older now and my husband is working. Both have made my life easier but we still struggle at times. We are currently doing the "fire proof" book. Have you seen the movie? It's not easy but good things can come from it. Hang in there! I'll be praying for you!!