Sunday, October 12, 2014

i <heart> nfl: jay cutler

Well it's Week 6, and already no team remains undefeated. Since it's October, the NFL is reminding us that breast cancer is also undefeated, and are apparently content to cure it through awareness instead of research. It was supposed to be a lightly-bruising week for the NFL PR depeartment, as the pre-tainted Mueller report investigating the Ray Rice incident has yet to come out. But lo, a casting call for the Will Smith-starring film 'Concussion' has been announced in Yinzburgh. Let's enjoy this game while it's still around!

You know, I thought my week sucked.

TNF:BEARD BOWL I! While resembling your standard Thursday night bloodbath after the first quarter, as Indy put up 24 while the Houstons laid a goose egg, it most surprisingly was not. The Houstons fought back to within a score, and Texas was driving down the field within the two minute warning. And then Ryan Fitzpatrick fumbled the ball and the game was over, no doubt because of the lack of 'Holding onto the Fucking Football 101' course offering at Harvard.

Sun 1pm: (Brooklyn or my place): The Minny Vikes, the first team with the dubious distinction of being the first to start three different QBs, host the D'town Lions, the perennial snatchers of defeat from the jaws of victory, so look for the usual NFC North hilarity factor, especially with Megatron sidelined and a decent rookie QB starting for Minny. My Bodymore Ravens visit the NFC South punching bag TB Bucs. While the J-E-T-S are at home against the Broncos, their offense may be delayed due to the time zone difference. The Factory of Sadness could soon be manufacturing outbreaks as the Browns host the towel-laden Stillers. The Bagels host the Panthers in a contest to see whose defense went down the shitter the fastest. While the actual game might not be so bad, I'd much rather watch a beer chugging contest between Tom Brady and Kyle Orton.

4pm-ish (Lucky 7s, Jersey City): Really wishing I had an ATL Devin Hester jersey, I'll be on the road (PATH actually) to Jersey City, where I'll take in the Falcons/Bears game with a bunch of Bears friends of mine. Perhaps my Dirty Birds could gain an advantage by bringing their smartphones on the field, as da Bears have been instructed to ignore those Twitter terrorists. The DC Redskin Potatoes travel to the only state that doesn't think their name is offensive, and will proceed to be defeated by a QB who is still concussed. Will a stout Seattle secondary prevent Dez Bryant from bailing out Tony Romo again? Does Richard Sherman shit-talk in the woods?

SNF (My couch or a gutter, depending on the outcome of the previous game): In a divisional battle between two surprisingly competent NFC East rivals, the Philly Iggles host the NY Football Giants in a matchup that hopefully features a plethora of Manningface.

MNF: I just checked Stubhub, and the price to see the Santa Clara Niners visit the baseball-crazed city of StL was a cool 11 bucks. That would be totally worth it to see the imminent firing of SF coach andnoted spazz Jim Harbaugh, but apparently the Frisco front office does not want cake now.