When I host either a formal or casual event, I am always the last to sit down and eat. For my Annual Boxing Day event which is buffet casual, most food is on the table, but desserts come later. Since I wait for all my guests to be eating, I would be extremely put out if someone asked me to serve dessert.

This would mean I would have to get up from my meal, the meal I spent days preparing, to comply with the request. I don't think it is too much to ask for a hostess to also be able to sit down and eat the meal she spent so much time preparing after ensuring everyone else has a plate.

I have always believed that it is not rude to ask for what you want (within reason) as long as you gracefully accept the answer given to you .

In this case , the Hostess could have tactfully declined . Instead , she did something she did not really want to do , then seethed about it later. This is an E-Hell of her own making .

I have known people like this in my life , seen them say Yes to something and then been forced to listen for hours about the rudeness and inconsideration of the requester . Fer Pete's sake - nobody's holding your gerbil hostage . If you don't want to do it , just say no.

I am of the opinion that all Reba did was ask . Okay , maybe she wheedled a little with " Well , I'm not feeling well so we're leaving early " but to me , rudeness does not come into play unless she throws a tantrum because the Hostess asks her to wait a short while , or tells her "I'm sorry , that will not be possible ."

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The key to avoiding trouble is to learn to recognize it from a distance.

Because there *is* a pressure to give in to requests, it *is* rude to ask certain things.

I think for a lot of people this is internal pressure though. I wouldn't feel pressured to give in to requests, especially not like in the OP. It wouldn't bother me either way, because I value relationships over food, but I don't feel the pressure a lot of people apparently do. That is why I think some of us have difficulty understanding why people give in and then seethe.

Because there *is* a pressure to give in to requests, it *is* rude to ask certain things.

I think for a lot of people this is internal pressure though. I wouldn't feel pressured to give in to requests, especially not like in the OP. It wouldn't bother me either way, because I value relationships over food, but I don't feel the pressure a lot of people apparently do. That is why I think some of us have difficulty understanding why people give in and then seethe.

And in this very specific example of it being buffet and very casual, the couple being adorable etc I just don't see the issue either. It's a shame that it would be viewed as rude.

To me rude would be a sit down dinner with courses being served. While people are all sitting formally at the table one gets up and asks for dessert. That I could see as that would disrupt the flow. But in the scenario the OP portrays? Nope.

Because there *is* a pressure to give in to requests, it *is* rude to ask certain things.

I think for a lot of people this is internal pressure though. I wouldn't feel pressured to give in to requests, especially not like in the OP. It wouldn't bother me either way, because I value relationships over food, but I don't feel the pressure a lot of people apparently do. That is why I think some of us have difficulty understanding why people give in and then seethe.

I think its two different issues though: 1) the request and 2) the response.Just because a person should say "no" if they don't want to do something instead of agreeing and then seething, doesn't eliminate the initial rudeness of the person asking the awkward/rude request in the first place.

Sure many of us can say no, and ultimately it is more gracious then seething. But its a rude position to put the host in: say "no" or change the flow of things to accommodate guests that don't even plan to stay.

And its not about "valuing people over food" because asking a host to stop running a party along a set plan and schedule is not about food, its about centering everything around one set of guests to the detriment of others at the party; in this case it would be valuing this couple over the value of everyone else, yourself* included. And valuing others over yourself isn't some strong, confident role to take, its a doormat position. A host has an obligation to have a fun time at the party they are throwing. Running around getting the next tier of food early without a moment to sit and have a bite of dinner socializing with guests is not gracious hosting. Nor is having to take a hard line on saying "no" to hospitality. The guests are rude to even ask.

To me rude would be a sit down dinner with courses being served. While people are all sitting formally at the table one gets up and asks for dessert. That I could see as that would disrupt the flow. But in the scenario the OP portrays? Nope.

If the dessert wasn't already set out, ready to be served, I see no difference between a sit down dinner and buffet really.(And if the dessert was already set out and ready there would no reason to ask, as it was there ready for those who'd finished their dinner.)

Just because a person should say "no" if they don't want to do something instead of agreeing and then seething, doesn't eliminate the initial rudeness of the person asking the awkward/rude request in the first place.

Oh, I agree, but I cannot control someone else's rudeness. I can control my response. I don't generally feel pressured to do things I don't think are right to do, even less so if I think the person asking is rude. I think people who internally pressure themselves and then seethe are doing themselves a disservice - it's on them, not on the people who made the request.

To me rude would be a sit down dinner with courses being served. While people are all sitting formally at the table one gets up and asks for dessert. That I could see as that would disrupt the flow. But in the scenario the OP portrays? Nope.

If the dessert wasn't already set out, ready to be served, I see no difference between a sit down dinner and buffet really.(And if the dessert was already set out and ready there would no reason to ask, as it was there ready for those who'd finished their dinner.)

This provokes another question: Would it be more rude to interrupt the flow of the party by bringing out the cake/pie before cutting it for the early departures or to serve it with pieces cut out? While this situation never occurred in my family I know my mother and my aunt would have been mortified to serve something that already had a piece cut out.

To me rude would be a sit down dinner with courses being served. While people are all sitting formally at the table one gets up and asks for dessert. That I could see as that would disrupt the flow. But in the scenario the OP portrays? Nope.

If the dessert wasn't already set out, ready to be served, I see no difference between a sit down dinner and buffet really.(And if the dessert was already set out and ready there would no reason to ask, as it was there ready for those who'd finished their dinner.)

For me I think it was weird to not have it all set out.

Not everyone has the space to have everything set out at once. I can think of all of one home I know of that would have the ability to have a buffet dinner for more then 4-6 people set out as well as have desserts set out, all at the same time. Many people (such as just about everyone I have ever witnessed host a party) have to 'change over' the table, maybe do a quick wash up of some serving utensils, put out dessert plates, etc.

It can be done quickly and efficiently, all with a smile on one's face, but its not a small endeavor.

Honestly, if the "flow" of a casual buffet is so rigid that my hostess is unwilling to take a moment to get dessert for the guy who is leaving early because he is taking home somebody ill/fatigued then it sounds more like an ordeal than an enjoyable chance tp socialize. It has a "forced march" feel.

Honestly, if the "flow" of a casual buffet is so rigid that my hostess is unwilling to take a moment to get dessert for the guy who is leaving early because he is taking home somebody ill/fatigued then it sounds more like an ordeal than an enjoyable chance tp socialize. It has a "forced march" feel.

Yeah, this is what I've been trying to think of how to express since this thread started and couldn't. It's like the 'Ta-daaaa, look at my wonderful hosting!' aspect of the gathering is more important than people, and - it just *isn't* to me. I would find that rather shallow.

Honestly, if the "flow" of a casual buffet is so rigid that my hostess is unwilling to take a moment to get dessert for the guy who is leaving early because he is taking home somebody ill/fatigued then it sounds more like an ordeal than an enjoyable chance tp socialize. It has a "forced march" feel.

I don't know. My family does several large parties every year. Generally, all the apps are brought out and devoured. Then the main meal is put out. Once that's done we generally do clean up so that we can actually get to the tables to put dessert out. So someone asking for a dessert early would be a problem. There just isn't a place to put it out, and once it's out, everyone starts eyeing it. On top of that, there's generally at least an hour between the main food and the dessert. It's not a strict timing, but it's time for things to be put away.

Would it matter to people if the dessert was something that had a presentation factor to it? I mean, let's say it was a birthday cake. Taking a piece out looks the rest of the cake not looking nearly as nice. It still tastes fine, but part of the enjoyment is the looks of the thing.