Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Why The Dog Track is The Perfect Date

Those of you are used to the wine ‘em and dine ‘em philosophy are probably thinking “No girl is going to sleep with you if you take her to a place that is populated by drunken reprobates and illegal immigrants.” Well, no girl who doesn't charge by the half-hour, anyway. But if you know what you are doing, you can make a girl fall in love. Here’s why:

Any girl that will go with you to the track - dog,horse, or otherwise - is down-to-earth and can appreciate going somewhere other than an expensive restaurant or bar on a date.

If she knows this is where you are going, it probably means she likes you and is not using you for said expensive meal or drinks. Since the most expensive drink at the dog track is the $2 draft Heineken.

The track is original. Nobody thinks to go there, due mostly to its seedy stigma. Unless you are dating one of my retreads, you will be the first guy to ever think of taking her there. Girls like originality.

Most girls have never been to the track, and therefore will be interested in at least trying something new. And when people ask her “Have you ever been to the track?” she will immediately think of you. Almost as good as being her first lay, if you ask me.

Taking a girl to a place that features dollar hot dogs does not make you look cheap. It makes you confident. How? It says to a woman “Look, I’m not trying to impress you by throwing money around. I’m trying to have a good time with you. If that’s not enough, then I’ll find someone else.”

If you know what you are doing, you instantly become the teacher and she the student. This makes you a sort of authority figure, believe it or not, and allows you to talk to her with total confidence. Girls love confidence almost as much as they love authority. This does not apply if the girl knows more about it than you, but would you really want to date a girl like that anyway?

It is interactive. You are not stuck at a table talking about college or your career or the stupid thing your roommate did last week. You can talk about what a pig that last horse you bet on was, and how much money you could win if the pig you bet on in this race wins. Much more entertaining, trust me.

Girls get excited if they win. You will almost always get a victory hug if she is successful. They even get excited when they are close to winning, and they will often share their excitement with you. Either way, they will have fun.

If you win, it is a date where you could actually come out ahead. And maybe you can buy her something cute but inexpensive with your winnings. Like a souvenir baby-tee or an empanada.

If you are losing, like I almost always do, they get to make fun of you in a semi-flirtatious way. Like, “Hey, I’m better at this than you are and you’ve been doing this for how long?” It’s kind of like letting a girl win at pool, but unintentional. And much more expensive.

You will be the best looking guy there. Unless your date is into welfare recipients, there won’t be a whole lot of competition.

Similarly, you will not be distracted by other women. Unless you are into overweight chain smokers, your attention can be focused on your date and the dogs.

It is a very cheap date. Most tracks don’t have an admission much more than two bucks, and even if you buy your date food and beer you are unlikely to break the $40 rule. As long as you control your gambling losses and do not get suckered into placing her bets. If she says “I didn’t bring any money,” say, “What kind of idiot doesn’t bring money to a racetrack? Lucky for you, they have ATM’s here.” I don’t mind paying for dinner, but no man should be forced to cover a woman’s gambling losses. If she is bothered by this, she is not worth the time anyway.

My only advice of something to avoid: Do not bet too much and do not get too into the races. Remember, the focus is the date, not winning money. If you are a compulsive gambler, the track is probably not a good idea. And don’t act like you know too much, or she may start to think you spend all your weekday afternoons on the rail.

The only downside: This may be such an informal, let-s-have-fun event that you may risk being thrust into that most ungodly of places, the friend ladder. Since so little money is being spent on her, and she is having to place her own bets, there is no pressure to sleep with you. That being said, most girls have decided whether or not they’d fuck you within five minutes, so if you are fortunate enough to be in that first category this will impress her in ways you cannot imagine. You will come off as creative, confident, and unpretentious. And those are all traits that quality girls are looking for. If she is unimpressed or feels like she is too good to spend time in a pari-mutuel facility, then she is just the sort of stuck-up snob you want to avoid anyway. So take a beautiful girl to an ugly place, and see what unfolds. You may thank me later.