Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Hard Rock

This guest Violation post is brought to you by Disinformasiya, editor and second-in-command of Heavy Blog is Heavy. If you aren't familiar with HBIH, it is a fellow metal blog "dedicated to heavy music and all of its friends, featuring metal news, reviews, and other nincompoopery", as opposed to my blog, which exclusively focuses on the latter. You can visit www.heavyblogisheavy.com, "Like" them on Facebook, or follow them on Twitter.

Enjoy!

Newsflash: hard rock is not metal.

Well duh - but seriously, just sit your fat ass down and listen, because clearly some of you need telling.

Wikipedia terms hard rock as "a loosely defined genre of rock music", which I guess is accurate in so far as it makes your mother's panties loosely defined. Hard rockers are so manly. They so bad. Just look at them, with they long hair and they soul patch beards. Your grampy woulda bust a vein if your momma had gone off on the back of some Stephen Tyler ape-a-like's motorcycle, which is why she had to marry your dad.

Truth is though, this was actually a much better outcome, because what I shall now only refer to as 'butt rock' is such bullshit that it's even less metal than Justin Bieber in a dress riding a unicorn. It gave her the opportunity to spawn you, and despite your questionable progeny, you are undoubtedly way more metal than Saul Hudson's retarded top hat.

Let me explain: as is well documented around on That's Not Metal, there is nothing less metal than being a try-hard (as well as its subsidiary categories 'poseur' and 'sycophant'). Jussy B has never tried to pass himself off as anything other than an insipid, sugary buttmunch, and so credit where credit's due; but hard rock, with all its tattoos and flowing locks, is NOT metal, no matter how badly it wants to be - and it does want to be (who or what wouldn't?), trust me.

Case and point: Mr. William Bruce Rose, singer, songwriter, high grandmaster of douchebaggery and bane of my ever-loving existence. "Oh hey, you like, like, heavy music, right? You must love those funny Guns N' Roses guys, they're so bad!" No. Just...no. This insipid dicksneeze has an ego the size of Yellowstone and a destructive capability to match (and by 'destructive' I mean 'the ability to piss off rooms of literally thousands of people"). He probably thinks he has every right to act the big man and throw a wobbly if he doesn't get his way, and that this is an acceptable way to act. Well I got news for you, asshat: getting sand in your vagina over the size of your rider is about as metal as a butterfly fart. Yes, truly metal men like Bill Robinson get angry, but at real things like THE MAN and THE POLICE taking his weed. Would you see him losing his rag over a bunch of grapes?

Axl Rose: From grungy thrash kid to guido mob boss. -Brenocide

Let's compare and contrast with the legend that is Henry Rollins. This man is so disdainful of vapid prima donnas like this that he posts notes such as this backstage at his shows:

So we've determined that these two men are polar opposites. One is metal; one is not. But this isn't about Axl Rose. This isn't even about Henry Rollins. This is about the whole damn package, and you can bet there's more to it than poorly aping the characteristics of metal.

Mattassacre has quite rightly called sex out as being completely False. The opposite sex serve only to distract us from the pure joy that is metal.

So how many times have you seen some so called 'rock star' with a ton of bitches on his arm? What, you think they're gonna play scrabble? No; they're going to bang, right after the show, leaving the oft-bearded roadie to strike their stage and tuck their beloved guitar in for the night. What's more, they play this 'bad-boy' butt rock in order to get these women; this is the end goal - NOT the creation of awesome tunes. The feck is that all about?!

When you are tr00, you pursue only metal. If the behemoth attractiveness of your mighty facial folicles and the pure animal magnetism of your manly aroma are somehow not impregnating every woman within a fifteen foot radius, then so what? Unimportant. Do not - repeat, NOT - compromise your integrity and write "I Would Do Anything For Love". I, for one, will NOT do that...

28 comments:

I liked the song Meatloaf did with Jack Black. Tenacious D is also awesome. What's your opinion on that? I was interested to hear your opinion on Metalocalypse until I saw your Q&A, now I want to hear your opinion on Tenacious D. They're funny and everything, yeah, but musically how good do you think they are? I like them a lot.

We totally agree. Playing for chicks sake is pathetic! Metal is who you are; rock star is someone trying to be something else! However... METAL CHICKS are real fans who are fanatics of the extreme! We have met quite a few who ARE PURE METAL! To all you metal chicks who don't mind banging heads to ugly bald dudes who can shred, you own \m/ We play just for the drive and inspiration that burns like napalm! THAT IS METAL!!!

Believe what you want if it makes you happy. It's impossible to convey body language or context over the internet which makes me unable to show how I'm actually feeling right now. I just think you're simply assuming things based on what you've come to expect from all the 12 year old poseurs you argue with every day.

Hilarious because i myself have made fun of Creed since i first heard them as a teen and try to mock that dudes voice as a generic rock band. I wonder if Rollins still has his TV show........anywho yah this one is kind of a no brainer, you see these jagggofffs on TV and wonder if it was all part of a master plan from the start.Get the image down in the 80s, play in a decent rock band, rake in $$, do blow and bang chicks. Then twenty years later still cash in on that image, you were in that band, rake $$$, do blow, bang more chicks except you met them through your reality TV show that brought you in more....$$$ and.....etc.

All readers that post under the name "Anonymous" and are too frail and weak to represent themselves properly with a title, shall be deemed false metal poseurs for the remainder of their pitiful existence.