Ghetto girl: Man, I can’t believe he did this! I mean, we was in this relationship for like two weeks, and now he be tryin’ to dump me! He was all, “Yeah, we’re over.” I was like, “What you talkin’ about?” Then he was all, “I’m taking you off my Top 8.”Passerby: He took you off his Top 8? Oh, hell, no.

Teen girl #1: Last night I thought the lights were flicking on and off in my room.Teen girl #2: Was there something wrong with the electricity?Teen girl #1: No, I realized it was just me opening and closing my eyes.

Teen tourist girl #1: The Late Show! The Late Show!Teen tourist girl #2: We have to go see that! I can’t believe The Late Show is here!Hobo: That show is bad. Very, very bad. It will take you to hell. Repent for your sins now!Teen tourist girl #1: Run!

Hipster #1: And the funny thing was… she had no curtains, right?Hipster #2: Yeah?Hipster #1: Yeah, and I mean I wasn’t entirely comfortable with that, but what was I supposed to say, “I’m not comfortable with my penis in your mouth right now”? Hipster #2: Obviously you weren’t gonna say that!

Hipster #1: I can’t believe you went home with that fat NYU chick last night.Hipster #2: Yeah, I was out-of-my-mind drunk. But I totally vindicated myself immediately after.Hipster #1: Yeah?Hipster #2: We must have woken up her hot blond suitemate when she screamed out “Oh my God, fuck me with your giant cock!”Hipster #1: And how do you know?Hipster #2: Because afterward, she passed out, and I went out to her living room to have a smoke, and her roommate came out in her PJs to join me for a smoke. Then I banged her on the couch.Hipster #1: That’s awesome.Hipster #2: Yeah. The funniest part was, I snuck back into her room when she was passed out and stole some condoms from her drawer. Hipster #1: You’re a horrible person. Hipster #2: I know.

Guy #1: So she looks at it with all the sauce, and goes, “That’s not Italian.” That’s her whole classification system: everything’s either Italian or not Italian.Guy #2: Good thing the library doesn’t use that system.