(WITHOUT PREJUDIES) I now know that i will never have any value on this earth along will only ever knowing monents of happiness in my life. I truly do see that life for me is mostly filled with pain an missery and i see no real end in site. This is the harsh relaties as my place on earth and that the only time it will end when it is no longer time for me on this earth. I am not talking about ending my life, only that it seems to me that my life has been so filled with pain and hurt. I wish these things had not happened to me and that i feel this is the way my life was ment to be my fate my karma. Though i go to counsilling and have been going for a number of months know, along with taking my medication the pain still does not go away. The feel of loniness of hopliness and the fear of going back down into the darkness of no dispear, it is so over whelming that it is hard for me to feel anything else. Let alone see or know of anything else. It is a hard thing to come to terms with, but i must as know i see this how life for me is to be and my punishment for living and being born.

what does it matter...! I have been seeing a counselor for over six months now and it seems not to be working. I have tried to keep myself away from people as much as i can, so i could not be kicked back down in the gutter again and again, also to give myself time to heal. That seems not to work either because there will always be someone or something out there ready to kick me back down again and that will never change. So i might just as well just keep puting myself out there and allow the kicking to happen as either way it will never stop until it is my time to not be on this earth. Then i will know i be free of being kicked back down. The more i fight against being kicked back down the more it hurts. The more i try to stand up for myself the someone or thing kicks me down harder and i am just left with the pain of it all and boy it just rocks me to the core. The feeling is just so over whelming its really hard to handle. So i just have to except the fact that this how my life is to and never step out of place or try to fight, yes it will still hurt but either way it hurt. There are just no wins you can't always have the things you need in life to make you hole again The sooner i come to terms with that the better off i will be. (as i said i have no value on this earth) only moments of happiness as i am once again kicked back down. I wish it was different and there was happiness and only wee little moments of hurt, but it's not to be.

i go to counseling for PTSD, aniety and drepression. in short these have happened because i was a was assualted by two people one was with a knife and about six months after with a syringe of blood these happened in about 2004 i have had hards time in dealing with what has happened and talking with people about, well no one could understand how it feels and to the depth it was effected me as a person and i have been in and out of hospitals because i have been having trouble getting my head all around this. In ausgust of last year the police came back wanting be to id the person who assaulted me with the blood. I just didn't want to know or think about.
I had lost friends because they thought i mite give them something at the time i had to have blood test for six month to see is i had got something like aids, Hep B&C the police just brought back all the memerys. I ended back in hospital while i was in hospital my daughter tried to get authory over my accounts and was wanting to get the house for her and her boyfriend. My ex started to talk my then 8yr old some away via the courts and this has taken most of last year in fight this through the family courts. In case he put fourth i had my daughter against me in this, people i thought of as friends where against me and used information that i had spoken to them in the past against me. I lost my son and i know i will never beable to have him back in my care again. but still my ex at any chance tries to keep me out of my sons life as much as he can.
I am in a relationship that at first was really good and suportive, but know he doesn't want to know or understand where i am tring to come from, and see it a it's just me and that i am the problem.

My parents are know also show there lack of so what.
I have one i would call a friend that is know to doing the so what thing.

At every turn the support is just not there. I know that no one can really know truly how it feels.
not even the counselor though she is trained to help.
I could spend for ever going over all the horrible things that have happened over the years even right back to childhood. but it's not going to stop people from tring to kick me back down into the gutter again. that is just my lot in life and nothing is going to change that.
the

there will always be someone or something out there ready to kick me back down again and that will never change.

The more i fight against being kicked back down the more it hurts.

The more i try to stand up for myself the someone or thing kicks me down harder

Hi Fisbie, are you and your counselor working on this issue? I think that it sounds like you could work on your boundaries. What I mean by this is that you could learn where you need to draw the line with people and then learn how to keep people back and now allow them to cross over to you when you say no. This is a skill that can be learned. Also it sounds like you could learn how to recognize toxic people and then keep them away from you. Finally, it sounds like you could learn that you do have power.

Hey Fisbie,
I read your reply this morning and have not been able to reply until now,although I have thought about you all day. I am so sorry for the things you have gone through. I know it takes a long time to get over an assault on you. This may sound bizarre, but in 1990, I woke up to a man laying on my bedroom floor. He was referred to in our area as the "phantom fondler" and terrorized my area for a few years. Before I found him on my floor, I used to joke about him! He would come in houses very early in the morning thru either an open window or unlocked door. Lay on the floor by the woman (my husband was sleeping next to me) and reach up and fondle them. I would joke that he'd probably already been there and I would have smacked his hand away thinking he was my husband. That night/morning, my then 5 yr old daughter came and got in bed with me. We always left the living room light on and I remember it was on when she came to bed with me. Well, I was pinned between her and my husband, crawled down the end of my bed to go get in my daughter's bed and this man just rose up off the floor (it was pitch black) and ran out of the room. It was like a nightmare. I couldn't get my scream out for a moment and when I did, it was hysterical. Called 911 and police came. We were in the kitchen going over what happened. Cop asked if I could tell what he was wearing and my 5 yr old said "jeans". She had tripped over him coming to bed and just got in bed and went to sleep. That SOB fled the room, waiting awhile and realized no one really woke up, turned the LR light off and came back.
I was traumatized by this for a long time. Afraid to go to bed or asleep, kept thinking men I saw out places was "him", etc. After awhile, I got angry. I took on the attitude, you come back you SOB and I'll kill you. That anger helped me get over it. Get mad as hell and say "I'm not going to take it anymore"!
Maybe you need a new therapist. The one you are seeing now is obviously not helping you. Also, unless you signed a Power of Attorney specifically for the sale of your house, your daughter cannot take it. I would also try and find an attorney for the situation with your house and son. GET MAD. Do not let people beat you down anymore! You cannot change the past but you are the person in control of your future. Try and stop complaining, if you are, and you will find more people to support you. Complaining can drive people away, especially if all conversations are about you and your problems. I'm not trying to be mean by saying that, just honest.
I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
Best wishes,
JB

(without prejudices) I hear what you are saying and i guess in away i am complaining to a point. I also know I found it hard to get around my head people still keep doing things, like my ex keep shutting me out of my sons life at any chance he gets and at the end of the day there is nothing i can do about it even though the court orders state shared parenting rights. As for my daughter it's a hard thing to handle knowing the depths my daughter is willing to go to for what ever reason she does these things for and depth of no trust i know have for my own child, plus people expecting me to being there for her. If a straighter had done these things in all rights you would not want to be anywhere near that person as you know within yourself you could not trust this person anymore, but it's my own daughter and that is a hard pill to take. You see it was my own daughter who tried to stab me with the first assualt and my son her brother was there to see and hear all as he was only six at the time. I am at a point in life where i have very little trust in or faith in people. I am very angry about everything that has happened and that continues to happen and a sense of hopliness that there is nothing i can do or say to change what my ex does as it is it also having a negitive effect on my son and his father can not see this or whats he is doing is a payback on me along with his son being hurt through this to and intern he is really starting to resent his own dad.

-So in short i have no value in my exs eyes
the same with my daughter other and someone to use when she feels the need to.
-My own parents make me feel it was my fault my was sexualy abused as a child and should shut up and put up with it.
-My partner in short thinks i'm nuts because i know have a low pain tolerents.
-My partner thinks i should get in with people who have been against me in the court case for my son just so i can them on my side. Think that is using people and this i will not do.

The counsellor exsplains it's that i am like a full cup of tea and every time something negitive happens the cup spills over as my body has had it's fill and to stop a total overload instinctively my mind has put these safe guards in place like PTSD and aniety to stop myself from overloading with it comes fight and fright, anger, zoneouts, memory lose, voices that i think i hear strangers say things or the people that know i think i hear the say some and it's not true, chills, sometime dissiness, tears. Visions where i think i see something move and i jump in fear or i think i see someone coming at me. Nightmares where i lassout in my sleep and scream, but can never make the dreams out other than being left with a overwhelming fear and darkness. Things on TV like blood seems and anyone seeing hurt i feel along with a sense that i live the pain there going through at that time. Traveling i find it hard on my own and to go to far on my own i have not been able to do for about twelve months now and the car doors are always locked and windows. I find it hard to be in crowds and are always on guard and always have my eye on people around in public, someone bumps into me and i jump and zoneout. Aniety or panic attacks where it feels like i'm going to blankout and once it felt like i was having a stroke. I sometimes even forget to breath as the counsellor has pointed out. Total fear and miss trust of anyone or anything even within myself, that one also comes from been betraded by so many people friends and family alike.

I have learn how to work out people really quickly.
I put my faith in animals more than humans.
I like my own company more.

I don't speak to people much about this other than with my counsellor and on message board as people just don't really understand and just think i'm nuts and a fruit cake.

I don't even speak to my partner really about it, as he to dosn't understand and is somewhat not very supportive.

It is a lonely thing to deal with and hard to deal with every second and minute of the day. I even sometimes find it hurts to breath in a sense.

I know one thing though i would not wish this on anyone in no way or shape.

I onces would travel over to the other side of the world on my own.
I would drive for hrs and think nothing of it.
I was somewhat of a out there person.
I sore fear a challenge.
I enjoyed MA15+ movies
I could help people and be there for other and be glad i was of some help.
I was able to adminiser first Aide to people hurt and think nothing of it.
I was a person who would help a strangers in need as other would just walk by.
I had a great sense off family and was quiet happy to put goals on hold inorder to be there for other family members.
If people turned to me for support i would do that and i was happy to do so and think nothing of it.
I once was a very forgiving person.

I still have my sense of helping animals though thats not changed.
I still have my love for living in the bush even more so knowing that i will be away from people more and have animals around me more.

In my ideal world i would live in the country where i had a orchard, chickens, a jersey cow some sheep goats a horse or two. I would help sick or hurt animals and return them back to the wild. I would be mostly self-surfishent and mostly away from people and what people i did know i had a real sense of trust with in them, people of quiety not perfect and with no people that are nothing but snakes in the grass. Plus as far as the eyes could see trees and bushland as nature intended it to be.

Not people who think its ok to use you and not the ones that stab you in the back.
Not people enjoy kicking you down and want to keep you kicked back down into the gutter.
Not people that make you hate life so much you want to end it.
Not people that play head games.
Not people who seem to think that hurting you is ok.
Not people who pretend to support you and then are really just against you.
Not people who twist words and things back at you, just to win or cores pain.
Not people who see you as nothing more than trash with No value no rights or feelings.

-So in short i have no value in my exs eyes
the same with my daughter other and someone to use when she feels the need to.
-My own parents make me feel it was my fault my was sexualy abused as a child and should shut up and put up with it.
-My partner in short thinks i'm nuts because i know have a low pain tolerents.

I could help people and be there for other and be glad i was of some help.
I was able to adminiser first Aide to people hurt and think nothing of it.
I was a person who would help a strangers in need as other would just walk by.
I had a great sense off family and was quiet happy to put goals on hold inorder to be there for other family members.
If people turned to me for support i would do that and i was happy to do so and think nothing of it.
I once was a very forgiving person.

Hi Fisbie, so sorry that you are in so much pain. In the first paragraph ^ there you tell us about what others think about you (your ex, daughter, parents and partner). One thing that I learned a long time ago which has been so helpful to me is that I cannot concern myself with what others think about me, especially when basically, these people are not the sharpest. I think that another person cannot think in the best interest of another person and especially when this other person is not very wise. So anyway, I have learned that only I can make decisions for myself. I listen to what wise people have to say and take this into account but in the end I must think for myself and not leave this very important job for someone else to do. If a person isn't very wise I would never allow their thoughts to dominate over mine.

In your second paragraph ^ there, it seems that you are talking about over extending yourself with others. Like you were there all for them and denied your own needs. This was something else that I learned about. When you grow up having to meet an adults needs and deny your own this is what you continue to do without even knowing it (meet others needs and deny your own). No one can be in charge of making sure that your needs are met except yourself. A person needs to learn how to do this. It isn't healthy at all to always be there for everyone else and not for yourself. There is nothing noble about this. It is harmful to yourself. If you take care of yourself and your own needs then helping others can be managed but it cannot be done at your own expense.