30 Responses

Since there is so much more to parenting then giving a bath and cooking chicken nuggets, I guess I don’t understnad the whole theory of co-parenting. You aren’t involved with your child if you dont’ do each and every chore half the time. “play time” is key in developing so many aspects of the child, especially motor skills, which is just as important as bathtime if not more so. As long as Dad isn’t out every night bowling, golfing and playing poker, fighting over who does what seems like a lot of wasted energy to me.

I think the key issue here is to treat your partner like a partner and never “questions his (or hers) ability to do the tasks properly”. If you are treating your spouse with that much disrespect, you have bigger problems than the divisiotn of child rearing chores.

Never question?…Never?!…Not even when on the nights you work he doesn’t make a vegetable for your two year old’s dinner because his reasoning is “She never eats them.”? If I say, “But she will never eat them if you don’t at least put them in front of her.”, am I being disrespectful?

I’m sorry, but I do think it’s possible to question each other and still be respectful.

OK, this is one of my pet peaves. Co-parenting means that he gets to make decisions about the care of the children too. That is the piece that some tend to forget…
I think it is possible to question respectfully. “HOWEVER” I have seen lots of Mommy’s who question respectfully, but do it incessantly. This brow beating – even when done with a smile can have an impact on your husband & his willingness to want to do these tasks. He is not a child – & ladies, sometimes you need to bite your toungue. Yes, even when he gives them fries & nuggets on his dinner night.
My husband does half the work, & I let him do it his way. As long as the kids aren’t playing nakid in the snow or running through the house with lit matches & knives, I honestly don’t sweat it.
On the veggie thing – we serve raw veggies every night, baby carrots, romaine lettuce, celery,etc. On other nights, it’s pears & apple slices. My kids don’t eat many cooked veggies either, as long as they eat them raw I dont worry about it.

By the way – no way would I allow an article like this let him off the hook – the key is understanding when to speak up & when to shut up. we both work full time & our kids need both of us to take care of them.

Please-I wish the energy and money of these studies went to something worthwhile! Co-parenting,my patootie. Although I strongly believe that parenting is an EO Position,let’s face it folks-most mothers do most of the nitty gritty work. We are the ones with the mental calendar of all events,needs and locations of keys,shoes and important things. Men and women should share the diapers,meal prep and all that mundane but VIP chore list but is it ever really equal???

@kvp, I agree. But at the time I was working three or four nights a week, which set a bad precedent for the three or four nights I was home. That’s not “co-parenting”, that’s good cop, bad cop. I also did not expect him to force her to eat them. My only question was, “How will she ever eat them, if we don’t put them on the plate?” I still think that is a valid question, asked in a respectful way. I will agree, it’s not totally about the vegetables. It also had to do with my husbands desire to avoid confrontation with a toddler at all costs.

There are things he feels strongly about, that don’t bother me, however I still back him up. If you are going to “co-parent” that has to be the first rule. I think the problem is when parents question each other in a disrespectful manner in front of the children. That never works, whether you’re co-parenting or not.

@dgc – No. Don’t question his _judgement_. If the kids had cake for dinner one night it absolutely wouldn’t harm them.
I work with all men. I learned the hard way if you question them like that, they will refuse to do the task since they feel they can never get it right. Better is to stop and ask “will it matter in a week, will it matter in a month, will it matter in a year?” If it doesn’t matter in a year, it doesn’t matter. If it does, a much better approach is to say “I know, getting her to eat her vegetables is tougher than storming the Marne. I have a tough time with it every day. I was secretely hoping that you would come up with a brilliant solution. Do you have any suggestions how we can change this situation before our daughter develops rickets?” That way, you are setting up a partnership dynamic to tackle a long term fundamental problem instead of coming across as questioning his ability to parent.

dgc – I agree with your last point. I think it is fine, even healthy to discuss different approaches. However, not in front of the kids. We always try – not always successfully – to have a united front and approach to issues.

Conversation begins:
Me: What did you guys have for dinner last night?
Him: Chicken nuggets and potato smiles.
Me: Isn’t that the fourth time this week?
Him: Yup. She eats it.
Me: No veggie?
Him: Nope. Why bother, when she doesn’t eat it?
Me: But, how will she ever eat it, if we don’t put it on her plate?
Him: I don’t know. Guess I should put some on her plate.

Conversation done, no debates, no pyscho babble…just quick to the point, clear logic.

@lizzee – my husband keeps the schedule, does most of the chores, and almost all the cooking and shopping. He works from home, so it is easier to fit in during the day. What made it happen was me letting go and letting him do it his way. He pointed out – wisely – that it was not a good use of resources for both of us to keep the mental lists. If I wanted to do it, he would let me. So we split the concerns. I monitor clothes and shoes and other longer term items. He takes care of the day to day supplies. I do doctor’s appointments since I can actually plan my schedule 6 moths out. He does all emergency medical. He is the first contact for the daycare facility. As many other people pointed out, it works really well if you are willing to give up control in order to give up responsibility.

Hmmmm. Aren’t we supposed to be equal? No offensive to men but being the play mate is about as helpful as being the 2nd child. I agree with the previous poster who said that they should spend time and money on something productive, not this backwards movement junk. It’s easier to let the woman do all the work and, unfortunately it’s easier for women to just do it than fight with the hubby.
A united front though IS essential. Don’t forget that though when your kids grow up.

I can’t speak for anyone else but in my situation, how my current ex-wife saw me as a parent — before and after our divorce — apparently was less about how many chores I did and far more about a perceived lack of respect/consideration I had showed her while we were together. It was as if all the laundry , dishes, ironing, diapers, sick kids (and wife) etc etc that I took care of during our marriage never existed.

It wasn’t until we participated in evening co-parenting sessions after we split up (via Colonie Youth Center, as an extension of North Colonie’s Banana Splits program) that I began to understand how poorly my ex-wife viewed me as a husband/ father during our marriage.

Rightly or wrongly, this perception was what primarily informed her opinion of what kind of “co-parent” I would be. One of the first exercises our CYC counselor worked on with us was to allow my ex-wife to cut herself some serious slack by understanding our different parenting approaches didn’t necessarily mean hers was 100% right and/or mine was always wrong, thus requiring constant policing & correction. Conversely, I also had to do a much better job of listening/recognizing what my ex-wife was trying to say behind all her “nagging” — which is all I had been able to hear before the CYC sessions.

I don’t know if these CYC co-parenting sessions would have helped my ex & I salvage our marriage, but I have no doubt it would have helped us along the way if I/we had learned how to argue/criticize/communicate with each other more constructively.

More importantly for the present, I do know the the self awareness I developed through the CYC co-parenting & individual sessions w/ Karen Beetle ( one of TU.com’s regular holistic health bloggers) have already helped me become a more resilient, patient and considerate partner in any future relationships — the kind of person I failed to be in my first marriage.

I read the original overview of the study – – and then went to look at the actual study at Ohio State University. INSTEAD of reading this study – – I saw that a separate study shows something completely different:
Researchers found that supportive co-parenting helped children who have difficulty regulating their behavior and attention levels!http://researchnews.osu.edu/archive/effortcontrol.htm

You can often find one study that conflicts and refutes a different study – and in this case, it was as the same research location!

Please notice the most important phrase in this entirely made up and created story or fantasy…”Hints at”,,it doesn’t say “Proved”…and I totally disagree. I was married for 29.5 years to a wonderful Woemen who left me for her Father after her mother died and he being a Metro Male Wimp worked very hard in breaking up our marriage..that aside….I worked nights (2300-0800) for 11 years to avoid paying excessive child care fees or ransoms..We had two girls, both of whom I thorougly enjoyed bottling to potty training, and this was before the movie “Mr. Mom” came out by 6 years or so.. I did everything with the “girls” and found not one problem, or difficulty in maintaining our “martial relationship” other than once my wife admitted she was a bit jealous when she and the girls were doing things and they wanted “Daddy” to play to..But I was usually asleep when that happened..

So as with most studies coming out of the Colleges today I find this one to be just another load of anti-male bunk and as usual failed to find or state the real underlying reason for the difficulties in the marriage..It just “hinted” and for that word alone and admission, I’ll call a full “BS” on this story….Maybe they should have done the study from the point of the average woemen being totally self absorbed and selfish instead of targeting the male…once again!
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PS. My daughters and I still have a fantastic relationship and they suffer no mental problems because I was responsible for a lot of their rearing in the beginning..Mom really got to show her stuff when they were in school and homework and their budding relationships with boys and men as they had “all girl, all nighters”…