The wooden bench had turned out to be a bad idea, as the beginning of the first frost escalated the startling cold that was quickly creeping up and under her skin.

January didn’t seem to notice much, as she was lost in thought. She was annoyed with herself…more like in disbelief…how could she not have seen the signs.

She had loved this man for more than half her life, but somehow she had missed it.

Earlier that day she had spoken, on the phone, with an old friend…a friend who had brought it to her attention that Jack had been using throughout their life together. She knew that he smoked weed, but cocaine? Or as her friend had kindly put it, whatever drug was available that day.

She had always blamed the weed for his mood swings, his fits of anger, and his sudden outburst of violence. She herself had become co-dependent, wanting him to smoke so that he would be numb enough to be kind to her.

She had fallen into the vicious cycle of the poor pathetic wife who deserved what she had accepted. She despised women like this, but yet she had become the spitting image of just that.

The first snow of the year. The air was crisp with the hint of winter, causing her breath to catch in her throat, but yet so pure, allowing her thoughts to drift into promises she had told yourself, but had not kept.

January wrapped her leather coat tightly around her. Although she was cold, she had the softest warmth radiating around her. She was at peace. She knew she had done the right thing.

She knew she had hurt Jack…Christ, it had hurt her too, but she knew he deserved to know the truth. The truth was freeing because it allowed her the freedom to be honest with not only herself, but with him.

However, she was still haunted by his eyes, the disturbing contour of his face as she had told him.

Her only concern was where to go from here.

He had always been strong, but she was worried for him because she knew that he would have a hard time. After all, he was an addict and addicts weren’t good with dealing with change.

She knew they would have to change everything about their life. She would be in and out of hospitals for the next couple of months. This would put a definite toll on their marriage.

But she was confident in the strength of their relationship, after all, they had over come his addiction…

Jumping, January turned, startled by the sound of the opening of the front door.

“Jack…”

“Sweetheart…I am so sorry I left you…I’m home now and I will never leave you again.” Jack pulled her into his chest, tightly holding her, gently smoothing back her hair from her face as his tears fell.

Autumn, a time when the leaves changed from green to yellow to orange and then red. The days were warm in the mornings, as the nights escaped into the most certain chill.

This time of year had always been January’s favorite. Moving to San Francisco had been his idea, but now that she had warmed up to it, she too loved the quaint city with all its undying charm.

Standing out on their balcony, with her faux-fur coat wrapped around her body, fighting to keep her warm, but desperately failing, she watched the city lights flicker in the distance. Jack seemed to be spending more and more time away from their home and from her.

She perniciously had too much time on her hands to think. She didn’t like when her mind drifted over to the darker side, but it had been hard not to lately.

She missed him so much that her heart ached. She knew in her heart that she was losing him, but she couldn’t compete with this. She had to let him go, but she didn’t know if she had the courage to do so.

She had always hated that stupid saying, “If you love someone set them free and if they are yours to keep, they will come back to you.”

She lay there, in her expensive Donna Karen suit, carefully watching him, as his chest slowly went up and down with each reserved breath.

January knew she should change her clothes and grab a bite to eat, but she was afraid. She was afraid to leave his side.

In the past, she had taken life as it came. In other words, she hadn’t taken it seriously. Not until today.

Jack stirred, moving only slightly in his bed. Startled, January hastily pushed the lock of hair away from her eyes…digging in her purse for a bobby pin, quickly shoving it in her mouth, and nervously pushing her hair behind her ear.

Starring intently, only inches from his face, she waited, waited for him to wake.

“Jack Honey…can you hear me? Jack?”

The room fell silent once again…nothing could be heard, except for the breathing machine, as it went beep, beep, beep…driving January mad.

She wasn’t a religious person, although she had been around plenty of people claiming they were, but she needed to get her voice out…she needed God to listen to her prayer.

“Dear God, please bring Jack back to me…I promise to love him more and help him to get clean and stay clean.”

They both lay in bed, exhausted, but satisfied by their late night excursion.
January cuddled up closer into Jack’s arms, nestling her head in between the nape of his neck, just under his ear, as her slender fingers gently glided over the dark hair that now appeared on his chest.

At first, she had thought she would hate the thought of her man having a hairy chest, Jack had always been a clean-shaving guy, but over the past few years, he had let it go. January loved it.

“I love you, Jack…you know that, right?”

“Of course, Sweetheart. And I love you too, with all my heart.” He said, bringing her lips up towards his, kissing them tenderly this time. “Why do you ask?”

“I just get worried sometimes…that’s all.”

“Worried about if I love you?”

“No, worried that it won’t last. It’s all too perfect and when everything is perfect there is always something that comes along and ruins it. It seems like I am never completely happy and when I am, it is taken away from me.” January sadly said, stretching out her long legs from under the sheets.

“Baby, I love you now and forever. That’s all that really matters for right now. We have the present…that’s all we can be certain, we can’t foresee the future, Sweetheart.”

The last few days had been anything but perfect, maybe perfect was too strong of an adjective, the last few days had been more than exhausting.

January closed her eyes for a moment, reflecting back on their conversation. It hadn’t gone well, with Jack storming out of their high-rise apartment.

This had been more than two days ago and she still had not heard from him. She knew he would be mad, but he was more than mad, he had been furious.

She remembered when they had first visited the city of San Francisco, now their home. She and Jack had just gotten married. He had applied to the city as an Engineer, just on a whim, not really expecting to get the job, but he had.

She couldn’t have asked for a better life, now that Jack was clean. But now it seemed their perfect, picturesque life had shattered into a million different pieces.

Tears slowly spilled down her face, as she quietly opened her eyes. It was a dreary, over-cast day, but when wasn’t it over-cast in the city.

Looking across the bay, she watched as the tour boat took the nostalgic guests across the ocean and over to the Rock…Alcatrass, making her ponder…had she made the right decision telling Jack. Only time would tell.

Reluctantly, she continued brushing her long blonde hair. She knew what was in store for her this evening. She had been anticipating this moment for some time. At first, she had been excited and vigorously her excitement had turned to a worrisome anxiety.

She smiled into the mirror, realizing she looked as perfect as a human-being could look. She had always been called beautiful, but she hadn’t seen it, not until this very moment.

Her eyes sparkled. Her skin was flawless. Her hair shinned under the dim lighting. The only thing missing was her smile. She tried smiling at herself, but what came back to her through her reflection was nothing more than a solace, grim, stare.

She thought to herself, “What if he doesn’t feel the same way? What if she had changed. She knew he had changed, but what if no longer loved her?”

She knew she would surely die of a broken heart, but seriously, who really did that.

“January, you are a silly girl, very silly indeed!”

It always amazed her how quickly her self-doubt appeared, even as she stood in front of the full-length mirror admiring her beautiful red-satin Armani dress.

Casually watching my foot steps leaving the softest of impressions in the sand, making me ponder over my life and the choices I had made. I had been called co-dependent before, but hadn’t fully understood the meaning behind it. Surely, I wasn’t the one with the problem. I wasn’t the addict.

I was normal, I had followed all the rules. I was a good girl, growing up in a well-to-do family in the suburbs, eating most my vegetables, attending church on Sundays, not talking back to my elders, graduating from high school and eventually graduating from college with honors and two Masters’ Degrees to show for all my hard work. I was the one following all the rules. I am not the one with the problem.

But, today my therapist told me a different ending. I was just like the addict, I was addicted to covering up for the addict. I was trying to save him. I loved him and to be honest with myself, I loved him more than I loved me. Just like an addict loves their drug of choice more than themselves, more than their wife, more than their mother, and more than their children. They would die for their addiction, just like I would have died for you.

But I’m not the addict, you are.

January set down her pen, reaching for the box of tissues, as the tears streamed down her face. Today had been one of the hardest days of her life and probably ever to come again. She had to say good-bye to Jack, he would kill her if she let him. He was drowning and pulling her down into the current with him.

But she was a survivor, she was stronger than he. She had the will to fight and gain back the control she had relinquished on the day she had accepted his drug addiction, thinking she could save him and not knowing she couldn’t, but no more. She wanted to live and she knew now that she must face these demons on her own and without Jack.

He was waiting for her, as she pulled up. She pretended not to notice him sitting on the grass in front of her apartment, but she felt his gaze burning a hole through her soul.

She thought if she looked down, playing with the callous on the palm of her hand, he would get bored and look away, but when she raised her head, peeking up and over her lashes, she caught his intent stare.

His eyes were black…black as the night.

She knew he was mad, but she didn’t care, well maybe a little, but not really. What the hell did he have to be mad with her anyway. She was the one who should be mad.

After all, he was the one who had broken up with her. Maybe she had broken up with him, but he had deserved it. He was going down a path she didn’t approve, nor did she wish to partake.

“Did you think I would just go away?”

“Jack, I’m too tired to deal with this right now, besides your high.”

“Damn it January. You always say that, but I’m not. I quit using, just like you asked me to.”

“That’s bullshit, Jack and you know it! And the least you can do is to tell the truth, for once in your life.”

“Maybe, I just did a little.”

“Exactly! Like I said, goodnight Jack.” She ran up the stairs, quickly looking down at him. She didn’t want him to see her tears, but it was too late.