ASK AMY: Girlfriend's smoking and sugar habit causes worry

Dear Amy: My girlfriend is very sweet and kind. She smokes and consumes way too much sugar by drinking soda. She doesn’t like to smoke around me so she often cancels or truncates our time together, so I only get to see her for maybe an hour or two at a time. She does have a stressful job, but her lifestyle certainly doesn’t help. She is often tired.

I am a healthy person. I have a disabled son who lives in a group home and needs me to manage his care. I am really his only guardian. I am the only person available to help my elderly mother. I lost my father at my age (57), because he didn’t take care of himself.

I have explained this to her and she promises to quit and be healthier, but she doesn’t show me any improvement.

I don’t want to tell her how to run her life, but I do need someone I can grow old with. I believe that she (like a lot of smokers) is unwilling to see the heartache her habit might cause to people. She admits she is an addict but has not responded to books or courses I show her on how to stop.

I feel I must have some concrete action or I might need to just take a break so we can consider what we want to do.

— Lost in Iowa

Dear Lost: You cannot run your girlfriend’s life, and you probably cannot coach her successfully into better health habits, unless she engages as a full participant. She is addicted to smoking, and — until she wants to and is able to kick her addiction — she will smoke, regardless of your harsh judgment.

People who love addicts have tough decisions to make. You either continue to encourage your girlfriend to get healthy while detaching from her unhealthy habits, or you acknowledge her right to live her life the way she wants to, but without you as a witness.

It’s called a nonnegotiable, and it goes something like this: “Your smoking has an intolerable impact on me. I can no longer be your romantic partner as long as you’re smoking. I hope you will be able to stop, but that is up to you.” (I’d leave her sugar consumption alone for now.)

And then you take your break, and let her make her own choice.

Dear Amy: My best friend and I are both 17. Last summer she broke up with her first serious boyfriend. Ever since then she has been going out with multiple guys in their mid-20s.

She lost her virginity to a random man she met online, and has been having mental breakdowns increasingly.

She doesn’t tell any of the guys she has sex with that she is underage. I’m worried she will get hurt with these strangers, get pregnant or catch a STD.

She recently disclosed to me that she was sexually abused as a kid by her grandfather, and I think this may be affecting her now.

She has depression, OCD and is being tested for bipolar.

I’ve talked to her about her mental health, and ask her if she thinks these flings are healthy for her. She agrees that they aren’t, but says she needs the rush she gets with these men. Then once their fling is over she is ashamed, and really depressed. I don’t know how to help her, and I am really worried about her.

— Concerned Friend

Dear Concerned: You are a stellar friend, and your concerns are valid. Your friend seems caught in a vicious cycle. She is using sex to try to medicate her own depression, and — as she is seeing — this only makes things worse. And, as you note, the consequences of this behavior for her could be quite stark.

Please, please urge her to talk to a counselor about this. If she already has diagnosed mental health issues, as well as a history of abuse by a family member, she should definitely keep up with her treatment, including talk therapy.

Dear Amy: “Upset” was concerned that her husband’s ex-wife was beneficiary of his retirement account. You questioned the fact that the beneficiary can’t be changed.

Amy, I have a pension from a government job. You name the beneficiary when you retire, and I assure you it is set in stone. I hope they take your advice to see a professional estate planner.

— Retired

Dear Retired: I’ve heard from dozens of people about this. Many report being locked in place.

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