Sunshine Suggestions

Outlandish name-changing T-shirt mogul Sunshine Megatron recently moved to Denver, but since so far he hasn’t liked what he’s seen, he may soon be pulling up his stakes and heading off to parts unknown. Since this town needs as many crazy Cristal-swilling millionaires as it can get, Westword is hoping to convince Sunshine to stay, and we’ve turned to our readers to help us come up with local activities that will help convince Mr. Megatron that Denver and Colorado don’t suck. Here are the responses we’ve received so far, with Sunshine’s responses to a few of them (he didn’t have time to get to them all, since he’s busy launching his new T-shirt website, TorsoPants.com).

In the “I’ll make a man out of you, boy!” category:

I think you need to open it up to activities in the entire state, more than just Denver. I’ll take Sunshine with me on our annual cattle round up in July. I’ve got several horses, from mild to wild, and I am sure I’ve got one that will fit his candy ass.

Best, Beau

In the “Lifetime movie” category:

Dear Sunshine,

I’m going to guess that in spite of your success you don’t feel a whole lot different/better than you did when you were a kid. I’m going to guess that your relationships with yourself and with others still suck.

I’m 61. More than old enough to be your mom. I did something a year ago that changed my life. Why don’t you do it too? You’re only 34. Imagine. Then, it won’t matter where you live.

Lynda

Sunshine: She’s right. I was drinking Cristal and fucking tranny hookers when I was a kid too!

In the “The Dude abides” category:

Sunshine can turn Central City and Blackhawk into the Northern Vegas.

The dude

In the “Who told the Convention and Visitors Bureau?” category:

Dear Sunshine,

I don’t know if I have good enough suggestions to make you stay in Colorado but I do have a few that will help you enjoy it. 1. In spring on a nice day, take a trip to the zoo! My favorite part is the rainforest. 2. Also in spring or summer, take a day or two trip up to Aspen or even just up Boulder canyon, find a very quiet isolated but beautiful spot and listen to some Pink Floyd or Led Zeppelin, or anything you like really. You might have some sort of life-changing realizations up there. You could also take a shorter trip just to Wash Park or Cheesman Park and do the same there. 3. If you have dogs you could always take them to either of these parks, too. Everyday at Cheesman at about 4:30 p.m. or so people illegally let all their dogs run loose and have casual conversations while keeping an eye out out for the menacing white van filled with bored dog-lover haters that give out tickets for a dog with no leash. 4. I shouldn’t make assumptions, but I assume you don’t use the oh-so-handy Denver public transportation too often if ever. Well one day do just that. It’s actually nice sometimes and always very interesting to see who gets on the bus and to make up life stories in your head about all the crazy and even sane people around you. 5. Take a book with you to a coffee shop downtown somewhere and sit and read. If you smoke I suggest Paris on the Platte on Platte and 15th street. And if you don’t, I like Leela on 15th and Champa. Or you could even come to the coffee shop I work at, Daphne’s Deli on 4th and Corona.

Well that’s all the ideas I have right now. Hope you enjoy your stay in Denver!

Chloe

Sunshine: Wow. She just described me and my van (“the menacing white van filled with bored dog-lover haters that give out tickets for a dog with no leash”). Sorry, but I disdain people who let their dogs run wild on the streets!

In the “Shameless self-promotion” category:

Here is one damn good reason for Sunshine to stay in Denver:

The First Annual Park Hill Alley Art Contest, which will encourage residents of our fair neighborhood to install works of art (goofy and otherwise) in their alleys. There will be stupendous prizes for various categories (most creative, most colorful). We’ll even name “Best Overall Alley” -- residents of which will win an ice cream social.

I haven’t checked, but I believe this may be the first contest of its kind in the free world. Perhaps Mr. Megatron could be a judge!

Jack Farrar

Sunshine: This actually seems pretty cool

In the “This person’s either insane, or sent us the wrong e-mail” category:

Dear Sonny,

Have you found your friend yet? I saw Gery last night and said “Hi.” Tonight is VCD and then we’ll go to the studio. Conversly, I’ll be in Moab till Monday, honey. Boat races on leap year and to all a good night!

Clarance Parker

Sunshine: I love Gery!

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In the “We’ve found Sunshine’s long-lost brother, Optimus Rainbow” category:

Sunshine Megatron,

The suggestions to stay in Denver begins! First there are a few points to make. Where, aside from Denver, can you get loaded up in a city on just a few drinks from the bar? Lets face it, our elevation is great. Not only that, but staying will also help you build a tolerance to alcohol, meaning you can go back to sea level and drink your friends, family and loved ones under the table. What better way to greet the people you love than to challenge them to a drinking contest that they are most likely to lose, badly.

To go hand in hand with that, what other city can boast more sin than Vegas? Denver being the most lustful city means a time on the town for rich young studs. Head down to the new club Beta where the sound system is so clear and crisp that the dance music pouring out will absolutely shake and move your body. Beta is bound to be the next biggest night club, if not the biggest night club in Denver. If that’s not enough to convince you to stay, then you can always head around the haunted areas of Denver. The Molly Brown House, Cheesman park at night (though you can get a loitering ticket there) and, of course, good old fashioned, devil-worship capital of the USA, Colorado Springs.

So Sunshine, get yourself a pack of gum, a bottle of rum, some females and condoms and head back to your pimped out pad, bring some friends along like you’re on Entourage and have some fun. Shit, if all else fails you can always drink yourself into a random stupor and wake up the next morning in your boxers and a wife-beater shirt (Ike Turner style) in a cold tube slide. If you’re into nature you could also go four wheeling in the mountains, just before white water rafting, then hit the hot springs and casinos and cruise through the city all in the same day. During that time you may even be lucky enough to see sunshine, gloomy skies, rain, wind and snow. Sound crazy to you? We call days like that “Saturday.”

Stay man, have Westword contact yours truly and have a drink on me,

Jefferson

Think you can do better? Feel free to leave your suggestion below and, who knows, you might just convince Sunshine to stay and even take you out on a celebratory night on the town. – Joel Warner

Joel Warner is a former staff writer for Westword and International Business Times. He's also written for WIRED, Men's Journal, Men's Health, Bloomberg Businessweek, Popular Science, Slate, Grantland and many other publications. He's co-author of the 2014 book The Humor Code: A Global Search for What Makes Things Funny, published by Simon & Schuster.