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A Saskatchewan Fisherman reeled in the world’s biggest trout from Lake Diefenbaker earlier this week. There is debate over whether or not the 48 pound Rainbow Trout should actually be granted the World Record or not as there are skeptics out there who believe the fish was in fact genetically engineered to grow to an abnormal size. I just want to say…

WHO THE FUCK CARES?

The real story here is the smokin’ HOT Canadian fisherman. Yes, I said “HOT Canadian”. Oxymoron? Yes. Under all normal circumstances. But normal these are not, and this was no mistake.

Even with that stupid light on his head and fish guts all over his Columbia Sportswear, he’s still a 10. Perhaps he was the one genetically engineered. Perhaps the Canadians have been genetically engineering the world’s hottest guys for years, hiding them in their backwoods territories, waiting for just the right moment to unleash them on the world’s supply of unsatisfied and horny women, in an effort to create genetically gifted, super hot babies with an affinity for the outdoors. Did anyone ever think to question that? No. They didn’t.

No one would ever expect good looking people to hail from Canada…our neutral, and historically inferior, neighbor to the North – a country who has given us Mike Meyers…

Seth Rogen…

Michael Cera…

…NOT one of whom I would ever grant sausage pocket privileges.

In all fairness, the Canucks did send Ryan Reynolds our way, but even he looks a little laden with Downs Sydrome every once in a while. The evidence has been proven time and again – Canada isn’t exactly breeding at a top-tier level…or so we thought. Well, cat’s out of the bag now and he’s just taken down a really big fish. It should be noted that this specimen of a fish hunter has a twin brother. What do you say to that?

I say come fishing in LA Mr. Canada…you’re bound to catch something. And if he can’t make it that far south, single ladies take note: Summer in Saskatchewan… It has a nice ring to it.

I went to Disneyland yesterday. YES, I am almost 30, and NO, I do not have children. Why then was I there? A birthday. When it’s your birthday you get into the park free. And FREE is Someone I Know‘s favorite word. I on the other hand did not get in free, and the idea of paying $69 was out of the question. Good thing Someone I Know found a guy who knew a guy on craigslist, who met us in the back parking lot of a gas station (which is to go unnamed), to sell us a discounted ticket. YES, we scalped tickets at Disneyland. NO, there’s nothing shady about it.

Side Note: It must be one of Disney’s sneaky little perverted jokes that entrance into the park costs 69 dollars.

What I realized in my 7 hours at the park (all I could stomach), is there is a definite divide between reality and what we remember as being real from our childhoods. For instance, Space Mountain is NOT the thrill seeking adventure through a starry sky that I remember from when I was barely tall enough to peek over the “You Must be This Tall to Ride” sign. Instead, it is a terrifying, nightmarish, gut-wrenching experience that left my 29 year OLD body quivering and light-headed. The sign should read: “You Must be This Tall and/or Stupid to Ride”.Needless to say, my days on roller-coasters are over if I couldn’t even stand Disney’s weak attempt at duplicating the Corkscrew. And it wasn’t just the main attraction that did me in… Honey I Shrunk the Audience – WTF? How can it be that I nearly broke the arm of my chair, screamed like I was being gutted, and begged to leave before the show was over, while a group of toddlers sat motionless in front of me, 3-D glasses on, laughing the entire time? And don’t even get me started with Star Tours – Disney’s version of Back to the Future. I broke a sweat, became pale in the face, and was convinced I was going to vomit on the 5-year-old in front of me. Disneyland should never be referred to using the word PARK. HELL is much more accurate and offers a far better description.

To further support my theory, my assumption as a child was that Walt Disney was godlike; a Peter Pan of sorts;a kid in a grown man’s body… As I got older I realized he was more of a grown man trying to get IN kids’ bodies; simply put, white people’s precursor to Michael Jackson. But by the time I was peeling out of the parking structure, onto the I5-North, speeding back to LA, I was convinced he was much more than a pervert. He was in fact an evil entrepreneur; a masochist; a sick freak who spent his time on earth playing with and exploiting the fears of the masses to make billions. It’s terrifying to think he may one day be thawed out, able to then build more Disneylands and sodomize our youth in his free time. Come to think of it, Walt’s life-story could be a new thrilling attraction at his own park – You wait in line for 13 hours because you can’t figure out how in the hell to use a FastPass, only to find out that the ride consists of animating little boys with phallic noses, taking it in the ass from some overweight, carni-looking billionaire, and being trapped in an ice-locker for eternity. Uhhh… I think I’ll stick with Space Mountain.

My experience begs another question: How do teens, frat boys and even some of my friends in their thirties eat pounds of magic brownies, inhale peanut butter and shroom sandwiches, and take large pulls from even larger bongs just seconds before entering the park? How is this even humanly possibly?

If I wanted to piss myself while riding Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride, I would just do so. I know the 3-year-old, whom I heard being reprimanded by his father for peeing his pants on It’s A Small World, would appreciate the gesture. Can you blame him? That ride is extremely long – no one can hold it that long – and disturbing, especially the tour through Asia.

I definitely don’t need to be apprehended by Disney Security because I was caught, stripped down naked, diving from my boat at Pirates of the Caribbean, into the swampy waters, dodging bullets being shot at me by plastic Johnny Depp lookalikes.

These are the things that would happen if I were on drugs at Disneyland. I wasn’t even able to do it sober. It’s all fun and games until someone gets shipped off to the Mental Ward.

All in all, it was a fun day (I was paid to say that), but let it be known right now, on this blog, if my children ever see the inside of a theme park, it will NOT be with their mother.

48 hours ago Jason Mesnick was America’s favorite bachelor, but he went from hero to zero in one hour last night on ABC’s The Bachelor, and I just wouldn’t be doing my hob (hobby job) if I didn’t call him out for being such a DOUCHEBAG.

There is absolutely NO excuse for the maneuver this fickle pickle pulled. I don’t have the energy or the desire to explain it all now. If you have no idea what I’m talking about, try tuning into a reliable news source every once in awhile, like E! Entertainment. I do however have some things I would like to say to those involved:

Melissa, though you are far from the brightest light on the menorah, you’re way too good for this retard. You need to get a little hopped up, make some bad decisions and forget all about that loser. In fact, I know a few guys who would fuck the bitterness right out of you if you’re ever up for it.

Molly, you’re a troll with no spine or self-respect. You and Rhianna should form a club. Maybe Stephen Hawking can join.

DeAnna, you should change your locks and change your number ASAP because this dickhead will definitely be calling you next. Six more weeks with the troll and he’ll be calling every bachelorette he ever sent packing.

Chris Harrison, quit referring to the bachelor as “historic”. World Wars are historic. The Civil Rights Movement was historic. Britney shaving her head was historic. Fickle Pickle changing his mind, though extremely douchey, is NOT historic.

Ty, one word: Emancipation.

And lastly, Jason… How no one ever realized that you’re about 5’6” and a giant pussy, I’ll never know, but kudos to pulling the wool over the eyes of America. If it had been just one girl who wasn’t good enough for you, I may have been able to take this ride. But you failed your first marriage, you failed with DeAnna, you let 24 girls slip right through your hands, you failed your second engagement and the cycle most likely continues from here, so… Maybe it’s you. If you have one friend who kills them-self, it’s most likely them. If you have three or more friends who kill themselves, there might be something wrong with YOU. You catch my drift?

Peace out, Douchebag. We don’t have room for you here in LA, so take that shit back to Seattle and concentrate on making sure your son doesn’t turn out like you.

With all this green hubalub going on surrounding Earth Week, I figured I should do what I’m best at and join the party. Though I prefer the other green holiday…St. Patricks Day (a day where it’s not only okay, but encouraged, to drink ’til you’re vomiting on yourself, in a public restroom, while making out with several strangers, one of whom is dressed like a leprechaun), I guess I can also find a place in my heart to celebrate the birthday of our dear Mother Earth. She should be honored. My own mother hasn’t received even a birthday card since ’84 (and my pre-school teacher made me make that one). Anyway, it’s Earth Week. And if I’m correct (which is rare), yesterday was Earth Day, so Happy Belated Bearthday!

The Green phenomenon is wild. Al Gore makes a little film called an Inconvenient Truth and suddenly everyone jumps on his back, like a clown giving piggy back rides at the state fair. Don’t get me wrong…I love being green, especially since I heard BEER may be global warming’s next victim. And because Leo’s green. I do everything Leo does, but I have my own ideas for ways to go “Green” and help Save the Planet.

Here are my Top 3 (was going to be 5, but I’m feeling a little lazy) Green Tips:

1. It’s no big secret that we should all make efforts to maintain an Earth-Friendly Diet. Smartie Green People tell us to buy local/organic foods, eat foods that are in season, cut down on meat consumption, yada, yada, yada. The U.N. Food and Agricultural Organization blames 18% of greenhouse gas emissions on the production, transportation and consumption of red meat. (*Note: I guess I have to now thank Tyra for her Beef Curtains episode as I have not touched red meat since it aired). Essentially, meat eaters are leaving giant, shit-kicking carbon boot prints on the Earth while Vegetarians are barely tip-toeing on our land. So, yeah, these tips are effective, but I think I have a better solution…something that will make a much bigger impact. Tip #1…STARVE YOUR CHILDREN. That’s right. Chances are your kid’s already a tug-boat, but if not, it’s only a matter of time. Today’s youth has purchased a one way ticket on the Obesity Train, so, starve the little fucker. Yeah, they’ll probably whine and cry at first, but eventually hunger pains subside, the starvation process begins, the stomach will begin feeding on it’s own bile, and then, soon enough, the stomach will shrink and the amount of food the child is then dependent on will drastically decrease. (*Note – if you’re child is a maniac and has been prescribed Ritalin, problem solved… Hungry kids have no energy!) Now, I’m not proposing you starve your kid forever. Every once in awhile, toss the little shit a cucumber or a head of broccoli (locally grown, of course) and teach him/her a lesson in rationing. While the kid learns an important survival tool, AND grows thinner, you’ll be doing your part to keep Earth green. The bonus… Nothing is better than a skinny, self-sufficient child with low energy.

2. Every year the U.S. imports more shit (oil, food, flowers, paper, steel, petroleum, textiles, etc.) than any other country in the world. America is THE bully on the playground, taking all the smaller kids’ oreo cookies, licking the cream out, and throwing the less valued cookie part back in their face. And the fact is, the act of importing directly contributes to global warming. Whether it’s having wild orchids imported from Thailand or adopting an orphan from Russia, the impact that transportation has on the Earth is tremendous. The Smartie Green Peeps tell us to decrease our dependence on foreign commodities. Ha. They’ve obviously never slept on silk sheets imported from Bhaglapur. What everyone should realize by now, is that we have needs, and we ARE America, so our needs are much more important than the needs of others. I have come to terms and made my peace with the idea of taking from those less fortunate. Survival of the fittest, right? How else are we going to power our SUV’s or heat our swimming pools or be able to order the Toro at Nobu? Oh, the dilemma… But there is one thing we can do to lessen the impact our imports have on global warming…BAN CHILD LABOR LAWS and LEGALIZE U.S. SWEATSHOPS. We are the ultimate consumers so why not manufacture in-house? Not only will the cost of Nikes made in our own sweatshops decrease, but we’ll no longer have to import textiles and thus, reduce the U.S. impact on global warming. I’m surprised Walmart didn’t come up with this idea long ago. In fact, every country should do as the west does and BAN child labor laws. Fuck ’em. Kids should work. And they should do it for free, in haphazard conditions, without bathroom breaks and with little food. In fact, if we can enslave the kids who are already being starved, this won’t even be a problem. The bonus…Gap is in the clear, Kids learn the value of a dollar, and preserve the Earth they stand to inherit.

3. Global Warming is caused by toxic gases which are released into the atmosphere. These gases have undoubtedly led to the melting of the polar ice cap at an unthinkable rate. The Smartie Green Peeps are constantly reminding us of ways to reduce our carbon footprint and decrease the amount of toxins released into the air. But what about all those nasty little skanks running around without underwear, spreading their legs whenever some rich douche bag in studded jeans and an Ed Hardy T-shirt gives them a pervy-wink? What about the toxins they’re releasing into the earth’s atmosphere every time they climb out of an Escalade? Shouldn’t we re-focus our efforts to making their brown-eyes “green”? And this brings me to Tip #3…UNIVERSAL CORKAGE FEE (if you don’t keep your legs crossed, put on some underwear and keep your stink hole closed, you will be FINED). What if we shove a permanent cork up Leelo’s stinky pink? What if we sew Brit-Brit’s hot pocket shut like the chick on ANTM? And Paris’s entire lower body, below that disgusting naval ring, should be amputated, Ruinsstyle, just for the safety of the free world and my sanity. This will not only save a good portion of the population, whose hometown was unlucky enough to end up on the Good Charlotte tour, from inevitable STD’s, but will also STOP the emissions of what can only be classified as the “worst of the worst” greenhouse gases. It’s no wonder LA’s covered in a nasty smog. Let’s just say, whatever is leaking from these chicks’ effaces is NOT okay. Why else would the term “firecrotch” have been invented?

So, there we have it… Maybe my ideas aren’t as innovativeas changing out the light bulbs in your house to energy efficient ones or buying a hybrid vehicle, but I’m pretty confident, if we can implement my “green” ideas into our everyday lives, we can make a difference.

If this blog has left you completely unsatisfied with ways you can make a difference, please refer to the following websites, written by the real Smartie Green People who actually have a clue what the fuck they’re talking about when it comes to saving the planet:

Have the producers of America’s Next Top Model lost their f-ing minds? I guess tarantulas and under water photo shoots are soooocycle seven… Tonight’s episode featured the models (if you can call them that) wearing slabs of raw meat as turtlenecks, bras and even panties, giving a whole new meaning to the term roast beef curtains. First of all, I’d like to say that up until I watched this episode I was a healthy carnivore who never really bothered to ask where my meat comes from. Call me crazy, but I guess I just trusted the FDA when they tell me my meat is “Grade A” or “no nasty skank rubbed her nipple on it”. Well I trust no longer. I’ll definitely be rethinking the Kobe Beef Sliders or the New York Strip next time I’m out, and you should do the same. That is unless you like your steak marinated in vapid, anorexic model juice.

Thanks Tyra…I fucking hate tofu.

Not only were the “models” draped in meat, but the photo shoot took place inside a giant Frigidaire in the Meat Packing District of Manhattan which the “models” treated as if it were their own closet of beef couture; clawing, fondling and even straddling the carcasses. Doesn’t that just make you want to zip right on over to Smith & Wollensky’s and order one rare? The photo shoot was uninspired and reminiscent of a PETA ad, but lacking in passion (apparent by the dumb expression on every girl’s face) and lacking PETA’s one saving grace…Pam Anderson’s double D’s. To put it nicely, I was thoroughly disgusted.

At least afterward, the ladies (if you can call them that) had good reason to vomit up anything they’d eaten that day.

That’s what this blog is all about. Essentially I needed a place where I could exercise my freedom of speech, get things off my chest, make fun of people, share my point of view, discuss meaningless gossip, complain about the national climate, and bitch about anything and everything that comes to mind. And hey…it’s cheaper than therapy.

“Cheaper than therapy…”

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Who am I...? Shit. Wow...Okay...I’m a USC graduate, originally from Michigan which is “somewhere in the middle”. I’m now living the “dream” in Los Angeles as a Screenwriter. I write comedy. My therapist says I arm myself with a wicked sense of humor for the sole purpose of avoiding true human connection… I think I just like to make people laugh. I pretend to read the New York Times, but I’m really only reading the captions which do a great job of summarizing the bullshit. I like to have to have my cake and eat it too. I'm not a morning person, but it's my favorite time of day. I don’t have pets because I am still concentrating on being able to feed, bathe and exercise myself. When I accomplish that, I’ll think about getting a dog. I love my family and enjoy rainy days and I had to look up the correct spelling of “exercise” while writing this bio. It’s nice to meet all of you…