Secret documents uncovered by Fingersmalloy.com have unveiled a plot concocted by Representative Nancy Pelosi to, under the guise of a budget cutting measure, merge Planned Parenthood with the Public Broadcasting Service (PBS).

The purpose of this maneuver would not only be to secure funding for both entities–but also to begin providing sex education for children as young as two.

When I contacted Rep. Pelosi’s office, her spokesperson, Iva Madetisup, did not deny the existence of a PP-PBS merger plan.

Both of these programs are not only important to women, but also critical for the survival of the United States. Neither family planning or sex education for toddlers can be left up to individuals. Government involvement is essential.

It’s a match made in heaven. Let’s take ‘Sesame Street’ for example. Instead of The Count counting bats, he can count condoms. Elmo can give breast exams. Oscar the Grouch can pass out morning after pills. This is a mach made in heaven…I mean if heaven were real. Yes I’m sane.

Count Condom

During a speech for Public Broadcasting employees at PBS headquarters last week, Vice President Joe Biden talked about the possible merger, and what it meant for PBS.

PBS is Americana. So is Planned Parenthood. This merger will insure that women’s reproductive rights are protected. It will also insure that young children will not only learn their 1-2-3’s and ABC’s–but also the birds and the bees.

I can only tell you that PBS would not be what it is today without Fred Rogers. And ‘Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood’ will be an essential part of this merger. I’m told Fred is here today. Fred stand up and let ‘em see ya.

He’s dead? Oh God love him. What am I talking about? Well I tell you what, Fred is making everyone else stand up. Stand up for Fred. This is a big f***ing deal!

Oscar the Grouchy Pharmacist

There has been talk that Mr. Hooper’s store will be converted into an organic foods store/abortion clinic. NewsReal will continue to cover this story as developments…develop.*

*Warning, documents obtained by Fingersmalloy.com may be fake, as well as everything else in this story.