Tuesday, August 30, 2016

I know, surprise surprise the laziest woman in politics isn't even trying. But really, it seems like whoever writes her social media posts for her used to put a little effort into making them coherent, didn't they?

Here's her post about Hillary Rodham Clinton:

Leave Hillary Alone, Bullies Aww, c'mon guys, give her a
break. Anyone can be out of commission.... for weeks on end... whilst in
the heat of battle for the highest office in the land.

Um, okay. But she absolutely has not been out of commission for weeks on end, so I'm not sure what point you're trying to make.

Okay, that's 24 days on,, seven days off, including July 4th weekend, with multiple events on most days. Including visits to hostile territory on the 14th and 31st. When has she been "out of commission?"

By the way, this took me about 10 seconds on Google to find.

No press conferences for nearly a year? No scheduled campaign events for days upon days?

Okay, I'll give you the press conference thing. She really should hold more. Or some. But she's giving interviews pretty much every day to some reporter or FOX employee so it's not like she's incommunicado. And when are these "days upon days" that she has no events scheduled? Since you're too lazy to type "Clinton campaign schedule" into the Google, let me give you this link: https://hillaryspeeches.com/scheduled-events/
If it's not too much trouble, you could click on it and see all the events she has scheduled for almost every day in the coming month.

No statements, no answers, no accountability, no problem. Layin' low to
run out the clock before November, but you're SEXIST for noticing it.

Jeezus Christ, you're too lazy to pronounce words correctly when you're TYPING them? "Layin' low?" Seriously? Just type the fucking G. (See how I spelled out "fucking" even though in normal speech I would probably have dropped the "g" and pronounced it "fuckin'?" Wasn't that hard!)
Also, you're not sexist for noticing it. You're delusional for noticing it. You're delusional for thinking it's a real thing. You're either an idiot or a liar for mentioning it.

And you're MISOGYNIST for questioning a female's fitness. Good thing
media didn't hound the crap out of '08 candidate John McCain for his
decades-old military medical records or I'd guess them to be hypocrites.

What? When? When did the media ever "hound the crap" out of John McCain re: his military service? When has the media ever been anything less than deferential to John McCain when it comes to his military service? Maybe you're thinking of John Kerry? I mean, the media didn't necessarily trash Kerry's military service, bu they sure as hell enabled the slanderous pricks who did.
The only person who has EVER had a problem with John McCain's military service is your buddy Trump.

Leave Hillary alone! All that email-evidenced yoga, and wedding
planning, and cookie-baking-grandma-duty wears you out. Believe you me.

Okay, I get that it wears you out. Serving half a term as governor wore you out. Ten minutes of debate prep wore you out. But Hillary's schedule is goddamm insane and she isn't wearing down. She isn't worn out. She comes bounding onto each stage with that phony smile plastered on her face, gives her stump speech with the same fake enthusiasm night after night, then jumps on a plane headed to the next town like a god damn rock star. And I know this is what every candidate fro president does, I'm not saying she deserves any special credit for doing something Bob Dole was able to do, but still. Where the hell would you get the idea that she is worn out?

Heck, even those of us claiming to be fit as a (seasoned?) fiddle, hit
bumps in the wellness road. Even I. Especially I. (Remember Piper's
middle name is "Grace"; mine isn't.)

Wait, her middle name is a real name? So you are familiar with real names? You didn't have to go with Brisket and Rock and Peepee and Dweezil?

Rock-running recently, I tripped over my own two feet and crashed &
burned face-first. I recovered with the doc's SuperGlue, and now any man
who asks "what happened?" I'll refer to as just a mean ol' SEXIST
bully.

Yeah, that's a totally
sane reaction. Someone expresses concern (or curiosity) and you respond
by calling him a sexist bully. Completely what a normal person would
do.
Also, I don't know who this guy with the super glue is, but I
don't think he's a doctor. You can sniff glue with him all you want,
but I wouldn't get into his van!

Glad for Hillary's protective media's precedence. The next woman
running for POTUS has no need to answer to much of anything, for we've
got weddings to plan, and Down Dogs to do, and cookies in the oven! So
just leave us alone, boys. - Sarah Palin

None of that made any sense. I've read that through a dozen times and the best guess I can come up with is that you think the press is giving Hillary a free pass? Or going easy on her? Or something like that? Maybe?
I don't know. But seriously, Sarah, you've got to put a little more effort into this. It's like you're not even trying.

Monday, August 29, 2016

Person #1: Jared Vallorani, the CEO of Liberty Alliance,which is some bullshit website thing to scam frightened right-wingers out of some hard-earned monies.

Jared Valenti has an idea you guys! He's got a scheme to, I guess scare gay people into, um, not being gay anymore? Or something? I don'r know, here's what he has to say about his brilliant idea:
(via: .Joe.My.God.)

Dear fellow Christian and Patriot, Our nation is reeling. I turn on the
news and see Bruce Jenner being celebrated for wearing a dress.

I'm not sure you know what the word "reeling" means. Our nation was "reeling" in 1861. We were "reeling" on 9/11/01. seeing Caitlyn Jenner on TV is just annoying. Not because she's a trans person, but because she and every other member of that gross awful family are annoying.

Women on Instagram exploiting their bodies for fame.

Well that has certainly never happened before!

Until the advent of social media, no woman had ever capitalized on her sex appeal!

The music industry is selling sex, drug use and explicit language to our children.

Whaaaat?!?!?! Musicians selling sex and drugs?!?!

What is this world coming to?

I see riots in our streets, as men throw rocks at police and vandalize
public property. Protesters stomping on and burning Old Glory. I see
“race” issues getting worse instead of better.

I was going to laugh about the idea of riots being something new, but why is the word race in quotes? Seriously asking. I can't figure out why the implication that race is something that doesn't really exist or that race-based problems are not really about race, or what is the point he's trying to make?

Anyway, here's his idea. Or the prelude to his idea.

Maybe you feel like it’s hopeless to save our nation. In 70 AD, Rome
came and sacked Jerusalem. They burned everything to the ground, just as
it was foretold by the prophets.

Which is almost as dire a situation as we are facing now, what with Cait Jenner and all.

They burned everything to the ground, just as it was foretold by the
prophets. But yet a remnant remained. Today in America, there are still
millions and millions of Bible-believing Christians throughout our
nation.

Yes, in fact, according to a recent ABC poll, Eighty-Three Percent of Americans identify as Christians. That's quite a remnant. So maybe you could stop acting like a persecuted minority all the time?

The homosexual population? Less than 3%. Transgenders? Less than .3%! Why are we scared?

Exactly! What the fuck are you people worried about? "Straight" Christian people are the majority in this country. Quit being such whiny babies. No one is suppressing you.

We are the MANY, they are the FEW. We need to take back our streets,
take back our cities and take back our nation for the Glory of God!

Take back our streets? Other than Castro Street, heteros are pretty much the majority on every street in America. And I've been to the Castro and let me tell you, the gay folks are not hostile to us. They have no problem with breeders walking down their street.

Pictured: What Jared Valenti thinks every street looks like right now.

Also, I'm not really sure that God needs 'Murica in order to feel glory. I mean, he lives in Heaven, right? Isn't that pretty much the best country in the world? (Sorry, Sean Hannity, but it's true. Heaven beats America.)

Okay, let's just skip ahead. past the doom and gloom and self-pity, to this doofus's brilliant idea.

But it’s not too late. It may feel like it is, but I assure you,
Christian citizen, it is NOT! We need to visibly show the nation that we
are here and we are not going away quietly. You have seen the Jesus
fish on cars for many years now. But we are more than Christians. We are
Christian Patriots! That’s why we need your help. We want to see 1
MILLION cars on our streets and highways with this emblem.

You know, because that's not blasphemous at all. Conflating our Lord and Savior with the earthly authorities of the US of A. It's not like God has ever demanded top billing or anything.

We are not hiding. We are right in front of you and we will not lay down
and allow any more of this foolishness to destroy our country

We're here! We're not queer! We're driven by fear!

I want every Christian Patriot in America to get the Star-Spangled
Fish Emblem for their vehicle. Can you imagine driving through town and
seeing 5 out of every 10 cars with the emblem on it?
I assure you, they will take notice! Just like in any game, when the
defense makes a big play, it strikes fear in the heart of their
opponent.

I'm a little confused as to why you think that an LGBT person would see your Jesus/America fish and find it frightening. Is he supposed to think "hmm, that person loves America, as do I, and he's also a Christian, like most Americans. . . .Ye Gods! I've got to get out of here!"

Or maybe the LGBT community isn't the "opponent." I don't know. But whoever the opponent is supposed to be, I kinda doubt they're going to be scared by the cheap easy gesture of putting a magnet on your car. If you're trying to scare people, you've got to try a little harder. Maybe incorporate something that people are actually scared of. Like snakes. Or ghosts. Or Floridians.

Or dolls. Dolls are scary.

See? Way scarier than a fish.

Or, you know, if you're really married to the whole fish motif -

There was going to be at least one other person who isn't even trying, but it's getting late. Part II tomorrow, I guess.

Wednesday, August 24, 2016

Apparently, there really is a parallel universe, similar to our own but also different in a Bizzarro-World kind of way. And, much like the Demogorgon, Donald Trump has seemingly slipped into our dimension from the "upside down."

It may interest you to know what news Trump brings from the parallel world. Well, glad you asked! It seems that in the dimension Trump is from, the main reason that Bizzaro Chicago has so much crime is that the Bizzarro Police has been handling its citizens with kid gloves.

Pushed
by Fox News host Bill O’Reilly to provide specifics on curbing violent
crime in cities like Chicago, Donald Trump said Monday that he would
simply put “tough” cops in charge.

“So, specifically, specifically. How do you do it? How do you do it?” O’Reilly asked. “I know police in Chicago,” Trump replied. “If they were given the authority to do it, they would get it done.” “How? How?” O’Reilly pressed.
“You have unbelievable—how? By being very much tougher than they are right now,” Trump said. “They are right now not tough.

Well, I guess it depends on your definition of "tough." Is it "tough" to chase a kid into a backyard and shoot him in the back?

I don't know, I would call that pretty cowardly.

This guy would seemingly disagree.

But extrajudicial executions are only happening in OUR dimension. In the upside down, police are afraid to do much of anything, lest they be - I don't know, disciplined in some way for killing an unarmed citizen?

Also, in this universe, Trump is leading in the polls!

I could tell you this very long and quite boring story but when I was in Chicago, I got to meet a couple of very top police.

I believe the departmental ranks go: Lieutenant, Captain, Very Top.

I said, ‘How do you stop this? How do you stop this? If you were put in
charge,’ to a specific person, ‘Do you think you could stop it?’ He
said, ‘Mr. Trump, I would be able to stop it in one week.’ And I
believed him 100 percent.”

He said that and I believed him completely. Uncritical credulity is a desirable trait in a president, right?

O’Reilly: How? Did he tell you how he’d be able to stop it?Trump: No, he just wants to use tough — he wants to use tough police tactics, which is OK. You have people being killed.

Pictured: The not-tough-enough tactics currently employed by police.

O’Reilly: All right. So your tone is pro-police.Trump: You have to give them back their spirit.O’Reilly: How do you stop the bad guys from attacking them?Trump: By giving them back your spirit and by
allowing them to go and counterattack. I mean it’s ridiculous what’s
happening, they’re not respecting the police anymore, and the police are
afraid to do anything […] they don’t wanna lose their job.

Huh! That's weird. See, here in our universe, pretty much every day there's a new hashtag on Twitter with the name of someone killed by police. And every day, it seems a cop is put on "paid administrative leave," not charged with anything and then welcomed back to the force.

Pictured: Police officers who did not lose their jobs. And don't seem "afraid to do anything."

“It’s a little bit like, we could win the war a lot more quickly if we’d let our generals do the job properly.”

Hm, that sounds familiar. I'm guessing we should probably bomb Chicago back to the Stone Age?

Michele Bachmann: I'm advising Trump on foreign policy

The
former Minnesota congresswoman attended a fundraiser in the state for
Trump on Saturday, where she revealed to the press that she has his ear
on foreign policy. “He also recognizes there is a threat around the world, not just here in Minnesota, of radical Islam,” she said, according to MPR News.

Oh my God, really? Because all this time I was thinking it was just Minnesota! Are there really other places in the world where Islamic radicals might be a problem? I mean, you should really be advising both candidates with that kind of inside knowledge!

God, imagine being "advised" on foreign policy by this nut!

The person whose approach to diplomatic relations with the state of Israel is based on fear of being cursed.

Who wouldn't want to be advised by a woman so astute that she thinks this guy is heterosexual?

I imagine a lot of conversations like:

"Mr. President, there's a situation brewing in the Middle East!"

"What is it, Secretary Bachmann? And don't say the Anti-Christ!"

"Oh. Um, never mind Mr. President."

Could you imagine? You're the President of the United States, you call in your foreign policy advisor to ask about rumors you're hearing about a possible new terrorist threat and you get something like:

"Now think carefully, Mr. President. Did this beast have seven heads or ten? And were there crowns upon each of his heads when he rose from the sea?"

Thursday, August 18, 2016

Here’s what Apple CEO Tim Cook had to say about it in a long interview published this weekend in the Washington Post:

We’ve said at 40 percent, we’re not going to bring it
back until there’s a fair rate. There’s no debate about it. Is that
legal to do or not legal to do? It is legal to do. It is the current tax
law.

Oh, a fair rate? How does fuck you percent sound? You know, it's sickening enough when your average company hides its money offshore because they don't want to pay taxes, but Apple? What kind of business do you think you'd have right now if the United States government hadn't spent millions and millions of our taxpayer dollars to create and develop the internet? You think you'd be selling a lot iPhones if the internet didn't exist? How would iTunes work exactly? Would there be little iTunes store in the mall where kids could go and have a guy pluc their iPod into a bigger computer and transfer the mp3 to their device? Or maybe the stores coulf=d sell songs pre-loaded on zip drives. Or cd-roms? Maybe it would look something like this?

Libertarians in general drive me up a fucking wall, but when I heard that there was a subset known as "Silicon Valley Libertarians," my head almost exploded. These assholes wouldn't have anything had the federal government not built the electronic infrastructure their businesses rely on, but once they get rich they seriously start thinking "I don't need no stinkin government. What's the government ever done for me?" And they send their money offshore and we let them get away with it, because while they sure as hell aren't going to send their money to the IRS, they will send it to your friendly neighborhood Congressman, who will go to the wall defending the poor put-upon "job creators."

“I’m optimistic that, in 2017, there will be some sort of corporate tax
reform,” he said. “The U.S. needs to invest more in infrastructure — so
what would be great is if they take the tax proceeds of a corporate tax
reform and invest it in infrastructure and roads and bridges and
airports.”

That's right. The roads, the bridges, the airports, they're perfectly willing to hold all of that hostage until they get whatever it is they consider a "fair" tax rate. The roads their employees use to get to work, the airport where their private luxury jets take off and land (safely, thanks to government empoyees like air traffic controllers), not to mention good old fashioned shipping ports without which their products would never get from the slave camps factories in China to the US markets, they are perfectly willing to let all of those things fall further into disrepair until they get their way.

I'll agree with Cook on one thing. There definitely should be a corporate tax reform in 2017. We should start by taxing profits held in overseas shell companies, and collecting the interest on all the taxes that these assholes have evaded over the last decade. Then eliminate all the other loopholes these corporate parasites use to avoid paying any income tax. And from now on, we jail the CEOs, Presidents and CFOs of companies that engage in tax evasion. That's the kind of corporate tax reform we need in this country.
Failing that, we should look seriously at torch and pitchfork reform.

Wednesday, August 17, 2016

I will give a prize, and I don't yet know what that prize will be, to anyone out there who can explain why this is supposed to be funny, or what the joke is supposed to be.

Okay, so it's a guy shouting "Social justice!" while kicking over a table of chintzy Washington DC souvenirs while a policeman with a medieval mace, a Sikh man, an 18th century British soldier who may be a lady or may be wearing the wig of an aristocrat, and a guy who will be performing in Guys and Dolls this evening at your local dinner theater look on nonplussed.
Also, there is a tank. And a tiger. And a lion.
Oh, and a snake. Wait, two snakes.

So what's the joke supposed to be?

First, a bit of background. I became aware of this "comic" "artist" a couple days ago when Wonkette featured some of his nonsense.

His nom de douche is Relampago Furioso and he cleverly entitles his series "politically Incorrect Comics," so you get an idea of just how frightfully clever he must be. Most of his comics seem to center around scenarios like: a man tries to be friendly to a female co-worker. She is bothered by his friendliness and has him fired. The end. Which is hilarious because this is totally what happens all the time! You know, a few months of staring at her boobs, a few unsolicited shoulder rubs and an insistence on daily "hugs" and the next thing you know, she's on the phone with HR!

Yep, if only American women were more like this fictional Cambodian beauty, wandering up to strange foreign men and offering to date them, then cook for them and then probably do sex with them. But nooooooo. . . they're too busy scheming to get innocent men fired for no reason because in America, women have all the power and men are just helpless pawns in their sick little games.

Oh, and also climate science is some sort of religious cult? Or something irrational? I guess?

Seriously, if anyone can explain to me why that first panel is supposed to be funny and/or what the joke is, I will definitely send you a prize!

Saturday, August 13, 2016

Paul Weller pretty much started the English Mod revival of the late 70's with his first band the Jam, but since I didn't hear of them until San Francisco got a new wave station in the early 80's, I'm counting them as an 80's band.

Then in 1983 he went in a whole new direction with Style Council, sounding like "Young Americans"-era David Bowie or maybe Culture Club?

Then embarked on a pretty successful solo career, sounding a bit like Imperial Bedroom-era Elvis Costello.

As far as I know, he's still recording and performing music, I've lost track of him completely.

Thursday, August 11, 2016

Sean Hannity has a blog.
Or someone has a blog that Hannity puts his name on. I'm pretty sure that Hannity would have a hard time producing an actual blog by pounding his balled up fists into the keyboard

Take that, liberal elite!

Anyway, here is some of the brilliant insight you'll get from Hannity's blog.

The mainstream media’s shameless pandering to the Clinton campaign
has been on full display since the Muslim father of a fallen soldier
gave a speech at the DNC, blasting Donald Trump for his stance on
immigration and Islam.According to MRC,
In the four days following his speech, the network evening and morning
news shows spent a whopping 55 minutes and 13 seconds covering the
story….Unfortunately, the same cannot be said for the news coverage for Pat Smith and her speech at the RNC.Smith—who
lost her son in Benghazi under Hillary Clinton’s watch—gave an
emotional speech at the convention which was mainly ignored by the
media.In the 14 days after her speech, the network news shows dedicated just 70 seconds to her address.ABC, CBS and NBC should be ashamed of themselves….

Hmmmm. . . the media spent more time talking about the father of a young man who gave his life for his country, a man whose name you can't bring yourself to mention, than they spent on "Benghazi mom" Pat Smith.

I'll need to verify this photo.

Anyway, how could this be? How could this possibly have occurred? Hmmmmm. . . .

Hmmm, maybe - and I'm just spitballing here, but maybe it might have something to do with the responses of the candidates? Maybe?

Okay, first Pat Smith literally said that she personally blamed Hillary Clinton for the death of her son. And Secretary Clinton opted to be a fucking grownup, say nothing, and not make the situation worse. So there wasn't much of a story other than "lady at RNC says a shitty thing about Hillary, followed by every other speaker at RNC saying shitty things about Hillary."

On the other hand, Kizhr Khan rightly pointed out that you have sacrificed nothing for this country and wondered whether you had ever read the Constitution. Which isn't exactly character assassination or slander or whatever. Most of us have not sacrificed for our country. I certainly haven't. And I'm guessing most Americans have never read the Constitution. I was a history major and I managed to graduate without slogging through it.
But Donald Trump, ya boy, instead of mirroring Hillary's approach decided to go with the tried and true "5-year-old throwing a tantrum" tactic.

Hey, it's a classic for a reason, amirite?

First he insinuated that Mr. Khan couldn't have written his own speech, then he talked shit about his wife. Which is what made it a news story.
Then, when given the chance to clarify, Trump said the most preposterous, laughable, and just stupid nonsense about how he believed that having been successful and having :built great buildings" were sacrifices he had made for a grateful nation. Which made the story "Holy Shit, Can You Believe What a Delusional Buffoon Trump Is?"

So I'm not really sure that the networks are the ones who should be ashamed.