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Author Simulator 2014

Do you have too much free time? Do you gape in awe at the glittering piles of treasure surrounding the famous authors of our time, and think, ‘That could be me!’ It’s definitely NOT going to be you, but the boffins at Intersect have the next best thing: Author Simulator 2014! A whiz-bang PC game with modern 3D graphics and all the bells and whistles of last year’s Ben Murphy Simulator!

Author TalentsGrammar Guru––knows where a transitive verb goesPunctuation Perspicacity––speaks for itselfSpelling Saint––doesn’t need spell checkSally Sitwell––can write forty-eight hours without stoppingCover Designer––book cover looks like a human made itNon-hermit––Ability to Speak to Other HumansTee-Totaler––writes without the aid of coffee, tea, alcohol, and illegal drugsT-1000 Cyborg––uses the power of the Interweb to market books successfullyPretty Paul––takes good author photosSugar Daddy––a spouse who supports your failed writing career and pays the bills

Author Disadvantages: Must choose one for each talent you’ve chosen above!Purple Prose Perpetrator––never met an adjective or adverb you didn’t likeGrammar Blockhead––Nothing is true, everything is permittedFront-Matter Felon––foreword, acknowledgements, author’s note, prologue … bored already. BORED!Cover Criminal––book cover looks like your cat was sick on a newspaper someone left outside in the rainNervous Nelly––can’t write five minutes without checking FB LOLStan the Coffee Author––can’t write without the aid of coffee, tea, alcohol, and illegal drugs, preferably all of themRecluse––collects cats, not friendshipTwit the E-Blaster––only markets to other authors who also only market to other authors who also only market to other authorsRobert Denby––unfortunate skin diseaseBasement Dweller––Mom and Dad want you to get a job

Choose your author’s sex and skin color! Pick a genre for your first book! Smash the keyboard furiously and in time with the music to finish your first book, and another, and another! Done? Not quite––you have to give those books away for free because everyone else is! Keep writing another series! Use more exclamation marks than recommended!

To reach the end of the game and the piles of treasure, acclaim, and constant adoration of Macy’s catalog models, you’ll need to do more than write. You’ll need to fight through a slush pile taller than Everest and a series of deadly bosses.