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} The Oracle has considered your surprisingly good, almost adequate,} philosophical question and is reminded of the parable of the drunk fish} of Arabia.}} One day in a desert land many miles away many centuries ago there was} an unhappy traveller. This man had worked honestly and hard since he} was young, and verily all he had to show for it were a few gold pieces} and the clothes on his back. "Oh verily, what is the point?" he was} heard to moan, and he decided to get well and truly drunk.}} Using his last gold pieces he bought a goatskin of wine. But upon} tasting the wine, he exclaimed "ptooi ptooi, this wine tastes sour" and} verily he did not drink it, and lo! he did not get drunk.}} Many miles across the desert later, he came across a fish lying in the} sand. "Hey! can you give me a hand" gasped the fish, "I'm gonna croak} if I don't get some water soon."}} The unhappy traveller was extremely taken aback by a fish lying in the} sand who talketh, and exclaimed "Why? O fish, why are you in the} desert? and why can you talketh?"}} And lo! the fish answered "If you don't mind, we'll leave the 'why'} questions until later and get me to some water or the 'why' of it all} will become a bit academic."}} The unhappy traveller said "The only water I have is this extremely bad} wine in this goatskin."}} "Any port in a storm" punned the fish badly. The unhappy traveller then} put the fish into the goatskin, threw the goatskin over his shoulder} and continued on his unhappy way.}} And lo! within minutes there was the sound of a great fishy merrymaking} from the goatskin, and there was much fishy laughing and joking and} singing of 'Knees up Mother Brown'. The villagers around marvelled at} this man who carried such fishy sounds of joy wherever he went, and} though the traveller's heart was heavy, he bought happiness to everyone} he met. And there was much rejoicing and standing him of drinks and} meals and roofs above his head, and lo! did his fame spread across the} land and his heart begin to lighten.}} Eventually the traveller reached a distant kingdom ruled by a rather} meek king and a rather aggressive queen who was in an advanced state of} pregnancy. "Get me some oxtail soup and vinegared dried prunes"} commanded the queen, and her servants rushed around in a futile manner} until the queen got bored and had them all beheaded.}} "Why oxtail soup and vinegared dried prunes?" asked the king, but he} was silenced when the queen gaveth him an extraordinarily filthy look.}} Later the queen asked "who is it that causes such merrymaking outside} while I feel under the weather?" Upon learning of the traveller with} the riotous goatskin, she asked for him to be bought to the throneroom.} "Ow" she proclaimed when the heir apparent inside her kicked.}} When the traveller arrived, the queen had already decided that she} didn't want to know the secret of the goatskin any more. This was of} great relief to the traveller, as the merrymaking had ceased, the fish} having died of advanced alcohol poisoning.}} Suddenly glaring at all present, the queen exclaimed "I want some} Sushi."}} "Why?" pleaded her servants, "the country known as Japan hasn't even} been discovered yet, why do you ask for Sushi? And we're hundreds of} miles inland, how can you expect us to get some fresh fish and prepare} it in time?"}} And the queen cried pitifully "it's so hard to get good help these} days. Will anyone give me some Sushi? I will grant any wish for one} plate of Sushi."}} And lo! the traveller said "I have some fresh fish, deeply marinaded in} a vinegared wine. If it would please your majesty, perhaps you would} like to sample my wares."}} The queen sampled the Sushi, and proclaimed it good, and there was much} relief in the palace. "Until-recently-unhappy Traveller" she said, "you} may have your wish. What do you want?"}} "I only want to be able to stay in your kingdom, treated in the same} way I was when I had a drunk fish in my goatskin."}} "It shall be done" said the queen, "and what's more I give you a} marvelous house with servants, and you shall have half my husband's} harem."}} "Hey, hold on a minute" said the king, but another glance from his wife} silenced him.}} And so, the now very happy traveller stayed in the kingdom, realising} that had he insisted on asking the fish "Why?" in the desert, the fish} would have croaketh and his present happiness would never have} happened.}} And lo! his happiness continued until he died two years later of} terminal curiosity.}} As payment the Oracle demands a prawn, peanut butter, and chocolate} syrup sandwich.

> If you would like to receive a printed report of the data your agency> has submitted to the Clearinghouse which includes this year's data> submission, please complete this form, detach and mail it to Radian> Corporation at the prepreinted address on the reverse side.>> In addition, a copy of this report will be sent to the air toxics> contact at center for fart reduction regional office.>> Your request will be processed when it is received by Radian> Corporation. Please allow six weeks for deliver to both your agency and> the regional office.

> Oh Magical, SuperHuman, SexPot, Maxim Mertifolia, whose Ambrosia> annoints the masses who do not realise what a SuperBeing thou art,> and your sentiments are the learning mediums for us unworthy> supplicants, I would give you all I own if I knew where you lived,> and I would even give you my wife for your services as a Celluar> Query Answering Processor......>> Pray Tell the answer to this Humble Question.>> TELL ME A LONG STORY!>> Oh Thank You Oh Mighty one!> I treasure your reply as much as I treasure my life. And if I where> to hold a feast in your honour, there would be no space left at the> table for all the civilised world would be there to see you, and you> alone!> Thank You Master.

} This oracle acknowledges all trade marks.}} > > Continue or retire?}} This depends on whether you are playing Sonic or Sonic II and} how many chaos emeralds you have found.}} Obvoiusly, chaos emeralds confirm to Pauli's exclusion principle} where no two things (Sonic & Tails) are in the same spin and level} at the same time (when the emerald is collected).}} The generalized formula for retirement is inversely proportional} to the number of chaos emeralds in the following formula.} Retire = T+H/(C*R+X)}} Where T is the time so far wasted on the game (in seconds)} H is the time since you last ate any food (in seconds)} C is the number of Chaos Emeralds that you possess} R is the average number of rings that you collect per act.} and X is the number of lives you've wasted in the last T} minutes.}} This should mean that you will get a positive number greater} than zero. Having calculated your possible credibility index} it seems that anything over 325 would lead to you annoying the} hell out of the next member of the family waiting to have a go} on the Megadrive.}} You owe the oracle one box of hedgehog flavour crisps.

} O most lowly of supplicants, ye whose ignorance is verily an abyss of} such immeasurable depths so as to utterly surpass the greatest canyons} in the lands that have been soiled by your feet, the deepest trenches} in the oceans upon which has sailed Man, yea, even the vastness of the} voids of space, into which the eyes of all mankind have peered for all} time and yet seen naught of what is real; Behold!, as for a moment I} draw aside the veil of mystery and unravel for you the arcane truths} that lie behind the answer to all questions such as yours.}} Electricity, as even such as you are likely to know, will flow through} metal, of which powerlines are made, in the form of free electrons.} The speed with which these electrons move, the direction of movement,} and the quantity of moving electrons are the major factors that combine} to form what you know as "current". You learned all of this in your} physics courses, and it is indeed truth.}} Now, O supplicant, you have undoubtedly been informed by persons} speaking with great authority that the utility companies pump} electricity into one end of the powerlines, and that your computer,} which you spend entirely too much time on, by the way, sucks out that} electricity, which is what you pay for every month. You have, no} doubt, also been told that modern electricity, unlike primitive} electricity, the production of which required the frequent skinning of} cats and gathering of petrified tree sap, is of the "alternating} current" type, which means that there is no real movement of charge} through the powerline, only oscillations in the concentration of} charge.}} These oscillations, however, are not, as you have been led to believe} by the many menbers of the Conspiracy, caused by the utility company to} which you pay such outrageous sums of money every month. No, the} oscillations, the very very miniscule oscillations that cause charge} concentrations to fluctuate and, thereby, electricity to flow, are, and} this is the Revelation, CAUSED BY THE CONSTANT MOTION OF BIRDS LANDING} ON AND TAKING OFF FROM POWERLINES. So, you see supplicant, the birds} are not in any danger from being electrocuted by electricity but,} rather, are the sole manufacturer thereof. The utility company, and} this is the Second Revelation, actually GETS ELECTRICITY OUT OF BOTH} ENDS OF THE POWERLINE, since the oscillations start at the birds'} location and spread outwards towards the homes of consumers like} yourself. Many powerlines actually are not in any way connected to} power companies, generators, or power plants, but rather attach} directly to consumer households at both ends.}} And now, O supplicant, I grow weary of explicating the workings of your} tiny, insignificant universe. More important matters demand my} attention.}} You owe the Oracle the skin of Schroedinger's cat, a rod of amber} containing mosquitoes with dinosaur DNA, and seven free electrons.

} The Oracle decides to speak about himself in the Third Person.}} The Oracle adjusts his 1927 Atwater-Kent radio receiver, and tunes in} WGY in Schenectedy. The signal fades out, and he fiddles with the} knobs again, and picks up KYW in Philadelphia. The Fibber McGee and} Molly show is on. Fibber is about to open his closet, as Molly tries} to persuade him not to.}} "KERTHUMBA-BASHCRANGTHUMPPPA-KERPLAPPLE-DAP-KABOINGABOINGAPOW!} BATHUDDLEDUD! BANGABOINGA-WONKABONKA-KAPLOOEYBLATSCH-FLOP. <silence>} BADOI-OI-OINK!" says the closet.}} Miraculously, Fibber finds what he was looking for, and hands it to} the Oracle. It's a seven-inch 78-rpm recording of Rudy Vallee singing} the Maine Stein Song. The Oracle hands it to you, and you realize} that it's all scratched up and no good and you'll have to get} something else, somehow.}} You owe the Oracle a 2127 Ninjaturt-Trabant radio that'll receive} programs from radio stations on the moon.

> O most wise and all-seeing Oracle. Thou who is more witty than Oscar> Wilde. Thou who can write better tunes than Lennon/McCartney. Thou who> can chuck rocks more effectively than a woodchuck, please hear my plea> and answer my question.>> Why doesn't someone make a photocopy machine that works reliably?

} As a Steven Wright wannabe once said, "I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have} a spare copy machine."}} However, this is not strictly a photocopier. For true reliability,} you'll have to wait for the next generation of machine-- the} photoproducer. Photoproducers take multiple pictures of an object and} then recreates it in paper-mache, hard plastic, and aluminum-- very} useful for small batches of widgets and spare parts. In May 2112,} Xerox announces the first self-maintaining photoproducer-- made} entirely of photoproducible parts-- and a sophisticated dedicated AI} to detect part failure, craft a replacement part, and install it.}} A technical masterpiece. Unfortunately, in January 2113, a clerical} worker in a hurry to leave the office for a three day weekend leaves a} mirror in the room with a self-maintaining photoproducer-- and the} controls set for "Reproduce at 90% of size." By Sunday afternoon,} virus-sized photoproducers utterly consume all available hard plastic,} aluminum, and paper-mache, pretty much wiping out civilization.}} So be careful what you wish for. You may get it.

} Hmm, let's add some holy water to this Snuggles bottle and find out,} shall we?}} {Drip, drip, drip...}}} "You dare arouse the wrath of Beelzebub? I shall send for my master!"}} Ok, so it looks like the teddy bear is indeed a major demon. Let's find} out who his boss is.}} "Oh yeah? And how will you do that?"} "Satan shall visit himself upon this world and corrupt the children!"} "And in what form?"} "A big purple dinosaur, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!"}} Well, there's your answer. He's not the devil, but he is one of the} Minions of Cuteness.}} You owe the Oracle the corpse of Baby-Bop.

} T'was not I.}} The Oracle, unlike *some* deities I could name, doesn't play} these damn-fool games. You know the saying, "Subtle is the Lord"} from the Christian religion? Well, that's not me. In the god} racket, subtlety is strictly for amateurs. Let me put it this} way: If *I* had wanted to convert the US midwest into a big} rice paddy, *I* would have moved the whole place bodily to} southeast Asia. It wouldn't have taken any "forty days and} forty nights", either.}} You owe the Oracle enough Lime Jello(TM) to fill the hole} that will be left behind.

} You've contacted the wrong Oracle. You wanted the nice helpful} Oracle who gladly gives straightforward useful advice and asks} for nothing in return.} Unfortunately, you've contacted the naughty big-headed Oracle} who delights in mocking supplicants with flippant replies and} roasting those who offend It in any way.} However, in the interests of diplomacy I will try to do the} job of both.} ---------------------------------------------------------------} "if there is a version of | Sorry, I don't know. You} SQLTCP for DOS that is | could however try asking my} compatible with Novell LAN | cousin the Usenet Oracle,} WorkPlace for DOS version | he's much smarter than me} 4.1" There, I've told you | although he tends to enjoy} what you wanted, though | annoying his supplicants for} goodness knows why you needed | some his own sadistic reasons} me for such a paltry task. | which I can never fathom.} You owe the Oracle a highly | You don't owe me anything,} servile obsequeous grovel and | I'm a nice sort of Oracle you} 500$ for taking up my | know. Bye bye!} valuable time you great | P.S Hope he can help.} oafish wassock. | P.P.S Deep down, he's alright.