Just so you know, assuming you have some form of currency, it's virtually impossible to go hungry in New York City. Sure, if you lived in Zone A during Sandy you had some problems, but as far as snow goes it's a total non-issue. There are people selling food everywhere. All the time. Like, every kind of food you can possibly imagine, and many you can't, and for prices that amount to some pocket change.

Of course, after reading that I shuffled into the kitchen for a snack, and discovered to my horror that I was OUT OF TRADER JOE'S® CASHEW MACADAMIA DELIGHT TREK MIX!!!

(Specialized is currently suing Trader Joe's over the use of the word "Trek," on the grounds that when people think of large American bike companies that sponsor dopers they eventually think of Specialized.)

After my initial panic I calmed myself by remembering that I can always trek schlep downtown and eat a horse in Central Park, but no thanks to new mayor Bill de Blasio my horse-eating days seem to be numbered:

Yeah, great freaking idea to replace the horses with electric antique cars that will silently overtake you when you're riding in Central Park. At least I can smell the horses coming.

By the way, I have no problem whatsoever with beasts of burden pulling carriages around Central Park, and I was also amused to note that if you take this story and replace the word "horse" with "bike messenger" it's still completely accurate:

The horses built this country. Now they're just working a leisure job. It's not even like, hard work. They do a run cause it's 20 minutes, they sit around for an hour, they eat. It's exercise for them. If you take away the horses' jobs, what's going to happen to the horses? There's already thousands of horses going to slaughter in this country every year.

Actually, that's not entirely true. You also have to replace the word "slaughter" with "Portland."

@bikesnobnyc Hard to say from the picture. I would recommend taking it to the dealer and have them do a proper inspection. Have a great day!
— Specialized (@iamspecialized) June 14, 2013

To be honest, this dismissiveness kind of annoyed me. I'm a semi-profesisonal bike blogger with dozens of readers! I bet when Fat Cyclist drops his Specialized they give him a free frame replacement and a handjob. (I just made the first-ever Fat Cyclist/handjob reference on the entire Internet, and I'm as proud as I am violently nauseous.) You know, because he raises "hundreds of thousands" of "dollars" for "charity."

Whatever.

Anyway, between the possible crack and the litigiousness of the company who put their decals on the thing I've been feeling increasingly uneasy about riding it, and so the other day I decided to take matters into my own hands. It looked like the clear coat had sort of bubbled in the area of impact, and so I figured if I scraped it away I could see if the thing was actually cracked under there:

(It's extremely liberating to attack an overpriced crabon frame with a glass scraper, I suggest you try it immediately, preferably on someone else's bicycle.)

By the time the decal started coming off I figured I'd gone far enough, and so I leaned in and squinted:

It's hard to tell from the shitty smartphone picture, but it looks like maybe there is indeed a crack there, which I've outlined using Highly Sophisticated Graphic Image Technology:

Of course, at this point (or really before this point) a smart person would simply take this bicycle to an expert for analysis, but if I was a smart person I wouldn't be riding a crabon bike in the first place, now would I?

No I wouldn't.

In any case, stressed and going totally anal over your Fredcycle is no way to go through life, and I realized that, even if the frame wasn't cracked at all, by worrying away at that spot on the top tube it eventually would be, and that basically I'm behaving like a paranoid mental patient trying to dig an imaginary microchip out of his forearm. I also remembered that I recently received these lavish San Marco bicycle saddles, for no other reason than I'm a noted bike blogger:

The red one, a Concor, is all velvety, and I'm not sure what I'm going to do with it. As for the white one, a Rolls, it gave me an idea that has been the downfall of many a bike dork:

"I think I will build a bike around it."

For is that not the pinnacle of dorkdom, using some small component like a derailleur pulley or a water bottle or a scrap of handlebar tape as an excuse to put together an entire bicycle?

In this case though I figure I've got a whole bike's worth of parts on a frame I'm now embarrassed to ride, as well as an ostentatiously "vintage"-looking saddle. Plus, deep in my parts closet, I've got a frame that is not only begging for a "vintage"-looking white saddle, but is also far less embarrassing than a Specialized, which is a pink frame with the name "Faggin" on it:

(The Faggin, coming out of the parts closet.)

Back when we were younger carefree Brooklynites living on flat terrain this was my wife's singlespeed runabout, but since moving to the New York City hill country and obtaining a Workcycles smugmobile the Faggin has been consigned to deepest storage. Conveniently, my wife and I are the same height (well, she's probably taller but I like to say we're the same height because it makes me feel better about myself), so the thing more or less fits me, and so I think it's about time I eschew the overpriced superlight Taiwanese crabon and put some mediocre pink Italian steel between my legs.

Of course, I intend to keep the badly chipping pink paint, and besides the white saddle I will make no attempt whatsoever to "restore" the bicycle or render it in any way "attractive." Instead, I'll just move the parts over from the Specialized and replace only what I can't kludge or otherwise force onto the thing.

Then I'll take the plastic bike, strip it completely, re-decal it as a brand new Pinarello, and sell it for a shitload of money on eBay.

Speaking of saddles, I am still quite comfortable on the Brooks Cambium:

(Dead Christmas trees are more seasonally appropriate than disembodied hands.)

Though on the last couple of rides I seemed to be detecting a slight and occasional creaking from the saddle rails when I shimmy up towards the nose of the saddle to unleash my awesome climbing power. I asked Brooks if they'd heard of this happening before, and they told me they had not, and to their credit they neglected to add that it's probably because I'm such a fatass.

Anyway, I'll schpritz some lube in there and see if it goes away, and I'll let you know if it works just as soon as some of this goddamn snow melts.

The lines around the corner here in CO are for weed. We had a flood a few months back and I lost most of my tools and all my spare bike parts, I'll take that saddle. P.S. my vanity plate would be "666-FTW."

...years ago when we had a blizzard in NYC, i was walking on my block in now posh fort greene around 3am when a man approached me with a box, opened it and showed me fish jumping around inside... he asked me if i wanted to buy fish.

...had i had an apt with a kitchen, i would have been able to enjoy fresh fish in the middle of a blizzard far away from the sea.

The lower case on my lawn mower engine had a rather nice crack in the side of it. So I drained her, hoisted the ol' girl like so many Tn murdered does, gouged that bitch out and filled 'er up with JB Weld. Works great.

If you're standing in a line that goes around the block, I guarantee you made some mistake of judgment. (That includes liking shitty bands, seeing movies right when they come out, and being interested in sports.)

Shit, what are people going to do when there's an actual problem?

The lines I would say are a barometer of fear and docility, and they probably correlate well with obesity. (i.e. It snows and the first thing they think is OH NO, HOW WILL I EAT?!?!? when a more likely problem is how to keep warm with no electricity)

Okay, Snobbetino, you now have your Gran Bel Giro bike with that, "telaio rosa." Now you just need to dorkify to the max with the full-on maglia rosa w/bib shorts combo and snear as only Gilberto Simoni could snear during his prime years.

If that pink Faggin really was the Lady Snob's single speed, how come the derailleur thread thing on the dropout wasn't removed as was the fashion of the day? If, as I suspect, it's really your frame, and has been all along -- you needn't be ashamed or embarrassed about it in this day and age.

The securing of the chain is exemplary, but somebody did a really shit tiling job on that wall.

What are those stains on the Brooks saddle? No, on second thoughts don't answer that, but you might want to shy away from white saddles in the future. Or at least desist from riding naked.

On the same bike, the valve on the front wheel is handsomely lined up with the letter "I" in "Gatorskin". The rear valve, however, (obscured by the seat stay) is, I would guess, aligned with the letter "R" in "Gatorskin". This really isn't good enough, is it?

Finally, how come you haven't installed disc brakes on your dead xmas tree bike? Road discs are all the rage.

...huh, i never realized that the business in my neighborhood with the sign that says BIKE FRIENDLY, and which has no bicycle parking outside whatsoever, mean that you can walk in with your helment and get a discount.

...i think i'll just start walking around with a helment strapped to my head... that way i get the discounts and ward off attacks by access-a-ride whales.

If you walk around with the helment on, they'll try to load you into that access-a-ride van (aka the short bus).

Anyway, last night I learned that if you walk into a bike friendly business (the LBS) while wearing your winter bikeen clothes, they'll look slightly amused, but they still won't give a discount on a new helment.

Also, I ordered a small digital scale and a hanging scale from Amazon today. They are purportedly for Pinewood derby car building (but really only the small one). I can't wait to weight my bikes on the hanging scale (never done it before).

By the way I've had like 3 LOLs today just from reading, and then remembering twice, the mere fact that a frame exists that is pink and says Faggin on it, and it came that way, i.e. nobody painted it on there as a joke, or a slur, or a gay pride declaration. (Though riding or parking it anywhere will likely be interpreted as the latter.)

Snob - I bought a velvety red Rolls saddle a few years ago when they were reissued and found that it bled color like fresh blue denim on white leather car seats.

Maybe they've gotten the dye right since then, but before you use your favorite $10000 rapha pants/bibs you got for free, put on a pair of old pants (shants?) that you're planning to throw out anyway and ride around on the red saddle for a bit.

BTW Snob, as an actual honest to lob structural engineer, I don't know that I'd have done anything different than you did. I Would guess that the average steel, Ti, or AL frame is way stronger than needed with the only weak points being tube intersections and George Hincapie's handlebars.

Crabon? Forgetaboutit. It's computer generated voodoo on PhD levels. That scratch/crack could kill you, or worse, force you to buy a new plastic frame.

"...but this thing happened in New York City recently where people love to form ridiculously long lines for no reason (it has something to do with gentrification as far as I can tell), and apparently yesterday morons were waiting on lines that wrapped around the corner to get into Trader Joe's..."

New York is only now catching up with Baltimore and Washington DC. For decades people in both those towns have been going berserk at the hint of snow.

I dunno bout the white rolls on the Faggin. The frame has tons of chrome, and the seat has gold. The frame logos are yellow, no white anywhere on it.I think black seat and tape would look better.If you do rep/run/rub the white seat, that Fizik perforated white tape would be good match.I would set the Faggin up with fatter tires, ideally skinwalls. Hammered steel fenders. And slightly more relaxed riding position.

Snob..no wonder you sucked at racing of the bicycles. Try shifting your scanus back when climbing instead of forward. You will make better use of your glutes and hamstrings that way. Only go on the rivet when you want to get low and aero.

Not aguing that I sucked at racing bikes, but I also didn't just start riding them yesterday either. I adopt different scranus/saddle positions during the course of a climb, including occasionally removing my scranus from the saddle altogether .

We've had a steaming pile of cheap bike messenger laughs today. And you know -A bike messenger is a bike messengerof courseof courseAnd no one can talk to a bike messengerof courseunless, of course, the name of the bike messenger, etc.

Faggin, Fah-jeen. Gotta love it, it's Italian. I don't know, I looked it up on the smarmyphone wikipedium and it said faggin was pronounced Fah-jeen. In addition to resuscitating the death machine, then I go inside to watch Bama throw away the Sugar Bowl. I don't care, after about a thousand of episodes like this and this and from a fellow poster, this The Bear is rolling over in Elmwood anyway. Stay Classy, Bama. Ps and after Auburn flames out against the Insult to the First People, the sorority sisters from both schools won't be able to give their panties away, much less sell them for $20 bucks. Kanye rant mode off.

There is plenty of work to be done for the humane treatment of horses, though you are right about so many slaughtered. Tethered to a carriage and walking on cement all day is stressful to horses. NY carriage horses are probably stabled underground and never have a chance to be in a green pasture.

Per yesterday's post, the pumping accessory in question is called a "crack pipe" at least it is here in America's Armpit. The reason AeroFred wanted 116psi is because he rides Michelin Pro 4's. All Freds ride at max pressure which for some reason is 116 on that particular tire. As far as your crabon frame goes, give the questionable area a tap with a quarter. If it sounds "dead" compared to the surrounding area it's probably toast.

My dog wishes to point out that no one refers to canapés as messenger d'oeuvres. He wonders what's up with that.

I think he's just messing with me. He viewed the current Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee in which Mr. Seinfeld interviews Louis C.K. and they observe about ghost bikes that "sometimes it doesn't work out."

Now he just asked me to inquire "what's the deal with observational humor, anyways?"

I like the idea of the Faggin. 80's RACE BIKE, too heavy to be a real race bike.Nice lugwork and columbus tubing, but it's not made by anyone that impresses people, and noone won any races on one, so it has no value to collectards.

Plus it's pink, has rainbows and says Faggin.

If you have to get all flaming with the saddle/tape, I'd go full flaming with world champ rainbow tape.

Unlike steel, titanium, aluminum, you can actually repair cracked crabon frames to be stronger than new. Calfee does it. Even Canadians do it.My favorite Faggin model frame was the Flamer. Fabulous.

Yes, I survived the ice storm, thank God for Rob Ford, who, for once, decided to do nothing. Now the city council is all arguing about who decided to do nothing first, and some idiots want to bring in the CDN army in case the US senses our weak underbelly and attacks through Niagara Falls. They will never make it past our fortified Casinos and stronger beers.

That bike'll be tight. You'll be out there, getting your Faggin on, that nice fat white San Marco Rolls all up in yer scranus.... You'll be like Walter White, just out there living yer large ass life like each day might be yer last..

I know Specialized hasn't really done anything to earn a break, and the "Have a great day" was wonderfully ill-judged, but I wouldn't say they were actually dismissive. I mean, is it fair to expect them to produce a diagnosis based on a photo without actually seeing the frame itself?

About Me

While I love cycling and embrace it in all its forms, I'm also extremely critical. So I present to you my venting for your amusement and betterment. No offense meant to the critiqued. Always keep riding!