Another Fat Thanksgiving, the Zombie Apocalypse, and My Magic Fridge

Hello lovely people currently reading this blog! To those of you who practice Thanksgiving: I hope you enjoyed a fantastical dinner with family and friends you may or may not be fond of. I, personally, ate what felt like was my body weight in food, which will probably make me gain my whole body weight in fat. YUM!

And to those of you who did not have Thanksgiving: congratulations, you didn’t just gain a bagillion pounds like the rest of us!

I don’t know why people are astounded that America has such a high obesity rate. Have they never been to an “average” American Thanksgiving meal? For example, my family/friend meal (meant for 12 people) looks like this: turkey (2 kinds), stuffing (2 kinds), cranberry sauce (3 kinds), ham, corn, green been casserole, broccoli casserole, sweet potatoes, mashed potatoes, brussel sprouts (I don’t eat those), gravy (intended for everything), pumpkin pie, pumpkin spice pie, chocolate cheesecake, turtle cheesecake, caramel cheesecake, coconut pie (that I tried to serve and totally butchered–I would never make it as a waitress. I suck at serving food and being nice to people. A whole line of careers–out the window!). And, if you are 21 or over, coffee liquors out the wazoo. Yay drunk people!

In my family/friend dining group we have dinner at 3 o’clock, then two hours later we have second dinner, then a little while after that is dessert. Around midnight comes the free-for-all where adults and children alike meander into the kitchen and eat whatever looks good before returning to whatever it was they were doing before. Usually, those under the age of 21 (who cannot drink and, I suppose, are less fun because of it) are shunned to the basement where we play countless hours of video games and sit around in food-induced comas just staring at one another. Just kidding about the staring part, but everything else is pretty much accurate.

The same goes for New Years Eve, except more video games and less ‘actual food’. It’s more junk food that tastes just as good but is less filling. Stuff like: pigs in a blanket (mini hot dogs wrapped in croissants), chips in salsa, Doritos, Lays, mini corn dogs, other snack foods, Coke, Sprite, Diet Coke, Dr. Pepper, Root Beer, Orange Crush, Squirt (the grapefruit pop), Pepsi, Diet Pepsi, the list goes on with the sodas–my Dad has this weird thing about by soda. If it’s on sale, he buys it, even if we have a billion other twelve packs of pop in our basement. He just keeps buying more! Some days it looks like we have begun storing up for the Zombie Apocalypse which doesn’t even make sense because, really, what’s soda going to do for us? Can we use it to ward off the zombies? To make them our friends? To survive? Let’s be honest, none of the above would actually work. I suppose we could turn them into mini-grenade-like things with Mentos. Or we could just chuck them at the zombies and hope for the best.

Me, I’d probably just go into a diabetic coma because I keep chugging so much pop. Hey, don’t judge! What else is a person supposed to do during the Zombie Apocalypse?!

To my average friends, all of whom you’ve met at some point on this blog, my basement fridge is known as “The Magic Fridge”. No matter how many sodas you take from within its white, frigid walls, it continues to stay full. Some days it’s the same with food, though mostly it’s the pop. I can only say that it comes as an immense surprise to all of us on those random, infrequent days when there is very little in the fridge. It’s quite shocking and my friends don’t believe the truth when I tell it to them.