Yesterday, every passenger and crew member on board U.S. Airways Flight 1549 was rescued and returned home in healthy condition…except Paul Witherstone, who found the in-flight meal “soggy as a six-month old’s diaper. It totally sucked ass.”

After ferries escorted him back to shore, Mr. Witherstone joined other survivors at the Ritz Carlton in mid-town Manhattan–all expenses paid by US Air. Relaxing in the lounge, he only picked at his foie gras and ogled the haricots verts.

“It’s the least they can do,” he sighed “especially after that godawful tugboat ride to the hellhole those grubby rescue workers took me to,” he said, “shelter food? Are you kidding me? After that airline service?”

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