Wednesday, September 26, 2007

The Swimmer

The first time that you do it, it's like taking a long jump off of a short pier into unfamiliar waters.

Maybe it was something that you always wanted to do. Maybe you were enticed by the sight of all those other swimmers, out there in the water, swimming toward distant shores. Maybe you got too close to the end of the pier, and slipped. Somehow, you got in that water, and when you did, you didn't know what to expect.

You didn't know what to expect, and so you were surprised by how quickly the current moved, by how turbulent the waters could be, by how hard the waves pushed. But you put your head down, and swam and swam and swam toward the far-off shore, and sometimes you even enjoyed the cool of the water and the feeling that you had become, somehow, another being, another species, and the sweet freedom of just bobbing along when the waters were still, of taking the journey slowly, even as you yearned for its end.

And then you arrived, at your once-far-off shore, and you were new and life was new and you looked back across the waters and couldn't believe how far you'd come, how distant was that pier.

You can't even remember what it felt like to take that leap, what it felt like to hit that water.

But you do remember the long, long swim, and how it was sometimes dark and cold and turbulent and frightening. And so it took you a long time to jump back in. If you really did jump, that is. You were pretty close to the edge, so close that the jump was inevitable, but still. Maybe you slipped.

Now you're in the water, and you know exactly what the long swim ahead feels like, you know all about the waves and the current and the cold and the fear and you're scared. Happy, too, of course, and excited, to be pursuing this adventure again. But still, scared.

49 Comments:

Nice. It's true that the distance travelled is a far one. And so you've not jumped off the same pier: you're different now and in a different place. And the swim will be different. Still wet, I imagine, but different :-)

I know exactly what you mean, because as we are working on making that jump, as I watch my best friend with her new baby, I wonder if I'm really ready for it to start all over again after having gotten through the parts that are the hardest for me. I fully expect to be terrified if I manage to fall off the pier!

Oh such a wonderful post. I keep reading all around me about women taking the plunge and I wonder too if I should or not. I think I'm a little too unsure yet...but I can't wait to read your exciting journey that's beginning again.

In tears... I only wish I could express myself as eloquently as you do!Just last night, my oldest (now almost 9!) found my journal from when I was in my last few months of pregnancy with him and his first year... we sat and read it together... laughed, cried... such a special time! Cherish it!

And even more amazing is that the current and water temperature will be completely different, so that even though you think you know what to expect? Yeah, you find out you're in the Indian ocean this time, instead of the Atlantic.

When I saw the title of this post, I so thought it was going to be about sperm. :)

Reading this evoked so many images for me. You reach the shore, chest heaving, arms aching, and a newborn is placed into them needing you like nobody has ever needed you before; except your toddler, of course.

Despite several jumps, and the related challenges, the water still looks deliciously inviting to me, at times.

Rest assured, at this stage, your toes are just tickling the water. The real swim comes in about 8 ish months from now... And the water keeps getting deeper, but you just keep treading and swimming until you reach the other side -- or find a life boat someplace in the middle!

I know exactly how you feel. Sometimes I wonder why I would elect to do all this work just to reach the other shore. Thanks for reminding me of the end goal. Sometimes I find it hard to keep that in sight. It is worth it, isn't it?

I have thought about your ode here a lot. I keep trying to put it into words. But of course it will be different for you.

So I hestitate.

It is hard you know. Don't count of me to sugar coat. What you do know, perhaps... it that you are making a choice to make two people risk their feelings on each other, and they are each your children. It is so much easier to make your child get along with and in the world... than it is ever to make a love-one love and be loved by a love-one.

It is hard to have either feel the pain for even one moment of learning to love. That is really the only part that is legitimately hard.