We read Us Weekly, Star, the National Enquirer, Life & Style and In Touch this week — so you didn’t have to. You’re welcome.

We found out that poor Bachelor Sean has been torn apart by two women, Tori Spelling is still good for tabloid sales, Demi Moore steals from her family (boyfriends, mostly), Neil Patrick Harris is going to have a hetero wedding, people are talking about Blake Shelton and all kinds of other really real stuff you’d have to read to believe.

Us Weekly

Us Weekly

Sean, our favorite “Virgin Bachelor” – which we assume is his superhero identity now – is torn between two women. This little spoiler indicates this season of ‘The Bachelor’ will end in a violent and bloody girl fight with the very cherry Sean in the middle. But, as frightening as it sounds, it should be way more interesting than the traditional “on one knee” finale.

We took a moment to check out the exclusive photos of Kourtney Kardashian’s post-baby vacation. We were expecting unicorns and dancing gnomes in this fanciful “post-baby vacation” because we’ve heard that having a new baby is about as far from a vacation as it gets. There are no words for what we saw, but now we just feel cheated.

It’s fun to get an inside view of all the hottest dresses, parties and gossip from the Oscars. But if you can’t be a fly on the wall – or think that seems like a really gross thing to want to be – it’s even more fun to make up the hottest gossip from the Oscars. There might even be a Mad Libs-style app you can use to randomly match up celebrities to fabricated stories, all without having to wear a tux or spend way too much money on shoes. Just a suggestion for Us Weekly.

Kate Middleton says the baby has been kicking. Has anyone checked David Beckham’s schedule from a few months ago to see if he had an opportunity to cross the the Duchess’ chamber door? Wills doesn’t seem like that much of a footballer. (We feel so British when we call soccer football.)

Star

Star

The now notorious claims about Tori Spelling’s $300 million divorce piqued our curiosity. Did she really catch Dean with other women? And does he have a sick obsession with porn? Obviously not BBW porn since he supposedly taunts Tori by shouting cruelly, “You’re too fat!” And, really, who *would* get the kids. But, since Ms. Spelling’s life is already pretty public, there aren’t many secrets yet untold, so ...

We did get pretty excited to hear about Jen and Justin’s “Oh, baby!” Oscars surprise, but then we remembered the tabloids have writers who knock up Jennifer Aniston with fake babies on the regular. If she was preggers every time they said she was, she'd make Octomom look barren.

Speaking of kids, in a family drama, seems Demi Moore may have stolen daughter Rumer’s boyfriend. This is juicy news indeed. Did she just stuff him in her purse and quickly walk away? Maybe she wore a disguise and worked out a whole boyfriend heist scenario. Either way, it’s definitely amusing to see the Willis-Moore family getting all Greek. How very literary of them.

Drew Barrymore could be working on baby number two. In a lair with a lab assistant and Mr. Potato Head parts? That's the best way. Unless they're just saying she's having a lot of unprotected sex. Is it okay if we don't think about the girl from 'ET' doing that? We had enough trouble scrubbing the image of her dancing on Letterman's desk from our minds.

National Enquirer

National Enquirer

The Enquirer had the inside scoop behind bars. They found out that O.J. Simpson was attacked in a vicious prison riot. The whole thing was caught on camera and someone was even kind enough to send a photo of the razor sharp knife that was used to slash him. A knife and O.J.? Karma never takes a day off.

Meanwhile, a 622 pound man says that Kirstie Alley saved his life. It’s possible we should just leave you with that. Or help you imagine the unfortunate man laughing off the calories while watching her stints on ‘Dancing With the Stars.’

Mindy McCready’s autopsy has a secret. Look, we saw ‘Faces of Death’ through our fingers at enough slumber parties in the '80s to know that snooping in the details of anyone’s autopsy is really wrong and rather gross. How about we let the tortured McCready rest in peace already.

In a very en vogue shocker, Neil Patrick Harris has called off his gay wedding. A source said he was tired of all the fru-fru frills and scheduled appearances of Liza Minelli and Bette Midler. So apparently, he and his fiancé will be having a non-gay wedding with traditional decorations and an annoying DJ and our drunk Uncle Carl.

Life & Style

Life & Style

It doesn’t seem very stylish but it is life, and it says Blake Shelton has allegedly cheated on Miranda Lambert. They’re country stars, but this rumor is rocking their marriage. We see what you did there, L&S.

People are talking about Shelton and a 23-year-old singer, so that means something totally happened. Unnamed "people" are always right about this stuff. You know, mostly. In general.

Jessica Simpson is filled with joy because she’s having a baby boy. We spent all day on that poem. We’re surprised the people at Life & Style didn’t think of it first. Ok, they used all the same words, but their poem is shorter. They have a magazine, they should have written a haiku. Anyway, Jessica Simpson is having a boy. Which is good because not a lot of happy words rhyme with girl.

Melissa Gorga of ‘Real Housewives of New Jersey’ is fighting to save her family. That’s how they do it in New Jersey. If you’re having family trouble, they put you in a cage and make you fight it out. The lawyers don’t make a lot of money there, but the family law cases are super fun to watch and Atlantic City bookies make a killing.

We took a look at the hottest celebrity hair from the awards season red carpets. It was really gross to look at pictures of what the vacuums picked up after the red carpets were cleaned. You have to be pretty damned obsessed with celebrities to want to look at photos of their fallen red carpet hairs. It was ... not hot.

In Touch

In Touch

You won’t believe this, but Bachelor Sean has been tricked by the ladies' lies. Apparently, all the ‘Bachelor’ girls are not what they seembehind their sweet smiles. It’s almost like people on reality TV are really really fake. What's next, InTouch? You gonna ruin Christmas by telling us Santa's a myth too?

And of course Kris Jenner’s drinking is out of control. She’s spilled a margarita on herself every night for the last three weeks. Frequently, in the morning, she lets her mimosa just dribble down her chin. And, according to the magazine, no one in her family can remember the last time she didn’t wear a splash of something boozy on the front of her shirt like an accessory.

Bethenny Frankel has a revenge body. There were a lot of pictures, but we still can’t tell you what exactly a revenge body is. She must be cold a lot though. Isn’t that what they say about revenge bodies? They’re cold dishes. Or something.

Finally, no one can figure out what happened, but Melissa and Teresa from ‘Real Housewives of New Jersey’ have made up. We're thinking maybe it involved a virgin sacrifice and a volcano. But since both of those things are tough to come by these days, it was likely just some manufacturered "nice" for ratings. Except wait, this is a reality show. And we know they wouldn't lie to us.

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