Friday, October 21, 2005

Unhappy With World Series Matchup, MLB orders “Do Over”

After marinating for 24 hours with the idea of a World Series matchup between the Chicago White Sox and Houston Astros, Major League Baseball officials have officially declared a “do over” for the playoffs.

A MLB representative issued this statement:

“We’ve determined that a playoff series between the White Sox and Astros is not in the best interests of baseball. We have declared a “do over” and everyone will once again vie for the championship beginning on Monday. In addition, we will be adding Pedro Martinez to the Red Sox, and Roger Clemens and Andy Petitte to the Yankees.”

Insiders say that poor attendance records are the main reason for MLB making this unprecedented move. The Astros and White Sox had the worst numbers among those teams eligible for the playoffs. The White Sox in particular stood out, ranking in the bottom half of the league for attendance despite having the best record for most of the season. This compounded by a roster full of players no one could distinguish from a kid on a milk carton had MLB executives wanting to change their sox, and pull off the biggest baseball scandal since 1919.

If the World Series went as scheduled, ratings in the major markets of New York and Los Angeles were expected to be totally nonexistent.

A scientific poll of males 18-34 in NYC revealed that 0% of that prized demographic was actually planning to watch the World Series.

38% of them were planning to spend that time watching Laguna Beach with their girlfriend.

21% planned to catch up on the latest gossip on Gawker and Blogebrity with their girlfriend.

16% said they would masturbate like they normally do from 8pm to 11pm

10% said they were going to get drunk and commit hate crimes against blacks and jews.