Movie appeal

John Tucker Must Die

John Tucker Must Die Blu-ray features mediocre video and solid audio, but overall it's a poor Blu-ray release

Three ex-girlfriends of a serial cheater set up their former lover to fall for the new girl in town so they can watch him get his heart broken.

For more about John Tucker Must Die and the John Tucker Must Die Blu-ray release, see John Tucker Must Die Blu-ray Review published by Casey Broadwater on March 22, 2012 where this Blu-ray release scored 2.0 out of 5.

John Tucker Must Die Blu-ray Review

I wish he would.

Only 5% of Hollywood movies are directed by women, so it's unfortunate that one of the most prolific female directors--former Hill Street Blues
actress Betty Thomas--has consistently produced awful and/or immediately forgettable films, from The Brady Bunch Movie and Private
Parts to Dr. Doolittle and Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel. In 2006, she brought us the tedious teen movie John
Tucker Must Die, which tries to mash up Heathers and Mean Girls but only makes a mess. Unfunny, lifeless, and totally out of
touch with actual teen culture, the movie somehow raked in a modest haul at the box office while simultaneously being pummeled mercilessly by
critics. I'm not going to bother getting into the obvious disconnect between what audiences want and what specialized film writers expect from "good"
films, but let me just say that even among movies of this sort--lightweight comedies for and about horny teenagers--this one is extraordinarily
empty-headed. I can only surmise that under-18 audiences flocked in droves to see Jesse Metcalf--the hot young gardener from Desperate
Housewives--baring his washboard abs and prancing about with mock-embarrassment in a skimpy red thong. Hilarious.

Metcalf--who, notably, has done little since--plays the titular John Tucker, a Richie Rich jock, the uncontested king of his high school domain, and the
kind of uber-popular meathead who's a hit with the ladies even though he's an arrogant, triple-timing d-bag. (Possibly because he looks "somewhere
between an Abercrombie model and a Greek god," but more likely because dating him is akin to receiving an instant, all-access pass to the elite crowd.)
Unnecessary Spoiler Alert: John Tucker doesn't die, although you'll quickly wish he would. His main offense here--besides being a total tool--is
that he's simultaneously dating three chicks and somehow keeping his cheating a secret. This being a thoughtless teen comedy, each girl fits neatly
into a tidy stereotype. Heather (R&B singer Ashanti) is the leader of the cheerleading squad, Beth (Sophia Bush) is the earthy vegan would-be activist,
and Carrie (Arielle Kebbel) is a CV-padding overachiever who belongs at least a dozen clubs, along with running the school's TV station. There's also a
fourth girl--the film's real protagonist--in the mix. Kate (Brittany Snow) is the unpopular new girl in town, who "likes old Elvis Costello, listens
to obscure podcasts, and reads Dave Eggars." This is told to us as evidence that she's "deep," but you could've fooled me; she acts like just another
chirpy blond with an iPod full of Top-40 hits and a subscription to Teen Vogue.

After a volleyball brawl gone wrong, the four girls end up in detention together, where Kate convinces the others to join forces and get even with
Tucker instead of squabbling amongst themselves. And behold! A new girl-power super-clique is formed! Sadly, instead of going edgy and smart and
maybe even a little dark here--as the film's title disingenuously implies--John Tucker Must Die opts for fluffy, goofy, risk-free nonsense. What
might've been an intense high school battle of the sexes proves to be little more than an half-hearted skirmish, fought primarily with lame pranks
intended to make Tucker look like an idiot. (Which he already is, but whatever.) The girls trick him into appearing in a herpes-awareness ad. They get
him to sneak inadvertently into a female gym coach's hotel room, wearing naught but the aforementioned thong. They spike his protein powder with
estrogen supplements, causing him--overnight--to break down into defensive sobs on the basketball court, weepily confessing to his coach that he feels
under-appreciated, that his nipples hurt, and that he's worried his thighs look fat. (Forget the impossibility of the estrogen taking effect so quickly;
what does it say that screenwriter Jeff Lowell so cavalierly equates womanliness with an inability to control one's emotions?) The girls have a eureka
moment when they realize the best way to get back at Tucker for breaking their hearts is to break his by manipulating him into falling in love
with Kate--who's popularity is now skyrocketing--and then having her ditch his sorry ass. No surprise, it doesn't go so smoothly, especially not after
Kate begins developing real lovey-dovey feelings for the dope. There's also a thinly developed love triangle featuring Tucker's grungy younger
brother (Penn Badgely), but it's too inconsequential to matter.

This is one of those teen-pandering, PG-13 productions that was stale-on-theatrical-arrival, so you can imagine how expired it feels now, some six
years later. The script barely tries, pieced together from gender cliches and stock high school scenarios. The plot plays out with an impossibly dry
predictability, and the gags--both physical and verbal--fizzle out and fail to generate any laughs. What's the allure of such sub-mediocre material? I
honestly don't know. The best I can guess is that it has something to do with the film's young cast, comprised largely of regulars from The CW. Of
course, when you hire CW actors you get CW-caliber acting, and none of the female stars particularly shine here. Brittany Snow has a perky, Reese
Witherspoon-ish good-girl-ness that's blandly palatable, but I can't think of a single thing to say about her co-conspirators that couldn't be better
explained by watching five minutes of Gossip Girls. As for Jesse Metcalf, he's your standard-issue hunk-of-the-month, and it seems his time is
up. I don't think John Tucker Must Die was a wise career move, though I doubt Metcalf ever had it in him to be another, say, Channing Tatum.
Speaking of one-time celebs who've faded from the limelight, Kate's MILF-y mom is played by none other than Jenny McCarthy, who, appropriately
enough, received a Razzie Award nomination for Worst Supporting Actress.

Note: The disc includes both the theatrical version and the "unrated" cut, which is all of ten seconds longer.

I'm not going to say that John Tucker doesn't look any better on Blu-ray than it did on DVD, but the difference is so negligible that even if you
were the movie's biggest fan--I judge not--I don't think it'd be worth upgrading. To put it simply, the film's 1080p/AVC-encoded transfer looks lousy, and
I'm almost entirely certain that 20th Century Fox just recycled an old high definition master--probably the same one used for the DVD--instead of
striking an all-new one. The image is spongy and perpetually soft, with little in the way of what might generously be called "fine detail." Even closeups
tend to be blurry, so you can imagine what wider shots look like. It ain't pretty. Color is decently saturated, and the contrast balance is okay, but the
overall palette--in combination with the over-bright lighting at times--is gaudy and flat-out unappealing. And then there are the various print issues and
compression quirks. Occasionally, the picture seems to judder around inside the frame--not wildly, but noticeably--and the film's chunky grain structure
is often overlaid with harsh, bluish chroma noise. Ugly.

20th Century Fox must've sold this title to every market imaginable, because the disc includes no less than ten foreign language dubs and an almost
ridiculous selection of subtitles. The disc defaults, of course, to the original English track, which has been given a DTS-HD Master Audio 5.1 surround
sound presentation. The audio fares better than the video quality, but this is still a merely serviceable mix. It does what it needs to do--give us
understandable dialogue, a modicum of ambience, and a few peppy pop/rock song--and that's about it. There are also a handful of quiet directional
effects, but the surrounds channels are mostly used as bleeding room for the music. It works.

An unlikely candidate for a high definition re-rerelease, the teen comedy snoozer John Tucker Must Die nevertheless sneaks onto Blu-ray, where
it will doubtlessly land in Wal-Mart bargain bins before summer. I'm really not sure who this one will appeal to anymore. The fourteen-year-olds who
went to see it in theaters in 2006 have probably forgotten who Jesse Metcalf is by now. Fans of The CW may want to check this one out to see some of
their favorite one-time stars, but all others should avoid John Tucker at all costs.

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