The real reason Hinata taps her fingers together, why Naruto loves ramen, and Itachi's only weakness. A collection of random stories slightly on the dark side of humor. Not for cannon fanatics. Now with Spiffy quotes at the begining of each chapter...

Final
Chapter!
Ironically
Enough
A/N- This
is last chapter for the story; I had the idea while watching Orphen.
Kabuto, who I think is one coconut short of a tree, muses on his
master.
My father
taught me to work; he did not teach me to love it. - Abraham Lincoln

A round pair of
spectacles glimmered in the dim of light of the infamous base.
Kabuto walked down the fire lit hallways –ever present smirk in
place – as he thought about the snake sennin's latest acquisition.
Sasuke Uchiha... certifiably the single most angst ridden teenager in
the world, and a major pain in the ass. He was almost impossible to
train! The brat would get all huffy when he failed in a technique
and mutter about how he had to get stronger. Privately, Kabuto
thought the Uchiha was just stupid.

The boy didn't seem to
understand that sheer power wasn't everything. It took finesse,
skill, and a certain amount of animal instinct to achieve true
greatness. Take the three Sannin for example. Tsunade-hime's
astounding talents stem from her amazing
chakra control and medical techniques. The toad hermit was almost
nothing but animal instinct backed up by experince and hard won
skill. And of course, Orochimaru had
the perfect blend of everything... his repertoire of jutsu was
second to none in sheer size, and he had practically become
the snakes he was so famous for summoning.

Kabuto stuck his hands in
his pockets; thoughts drifting to his master. Orochimaru was a
puzzle, and all doctors enjoyed a puzzle. The white-haired medic
knew for a fact Orochimaru wasn't gay, having had
his own advances brutally refused. Contrary to popular
belief, the man was not a pedophile. His main concern with Sasuke's
body was that it wasn't disfigured by the time he took it over.
Orochimaru did have his pride, after all.

Then there were the
fan-girls. The Sannin could have his pick of any sound female in the
village – even the lesbians – but it was as
if the man had no libido! If an
overzealous girl threw her self at him, she would soon be missing her
head. Despite the rumors of virgin sacrifices and Orochimaru's
tongue, Kabuto knew his master wasn't into that. At first the medic
thought maybe the man wasn't fully intact, but that theory was tossed
out the window recently.

Kabuto was about to walk
past a stone door, but the absence of any presence gave him pause.
It was Orochimaru's office, and he was usually in there around this
time planning invasions and what not. Today he was suspiciously
absent. Curiosity peaked, the ninja whipped his head around and
scanned for others. All clear. He carefully entered the room and
closed the door. Kabuto may have been Orochimaru's most trusted
servant, but that didn't mean Kabuto was his confidant.

He didn't know why the
man was obsessed with immortality, or why he had such a vendetta
against Konoha. He had no clue as to the whereabouts of the snakes
sex drive... much to his chagrin. It was certainly a mystery as
to what they were going to do for the next three years.

Kabuto eyed the file
cabinets against the wall. He left the desk and tried to pick the
lock with a kunai. It didn't work; Orochimaru obviously used ninja
proof locks. The tiny keyhole seemed to mock him, and Kabuto
growled. He was smarter than this. With a bit of ingenuity, Kabuto
took off his glasses and pried off the short plastic end cover. He
straightened the curve and jammed the now sharp end into the slot.

Smirking, the medic
popped the latch and gained access to the paperwork. Detailed maps
of Konoha, lists of families, and even the addresses of favorite food
vendors were stored in the cabinet. Kabuto wearily flipped through
the papers, searching for something – anything – that would give
him some insight to the deranged sannin.

His gaze flickered over
to a glowing clock and he cursed. Kabuto had spent over fifteen
minutes reading a file about mysterious drug trafficking, which was
interesting since he had no idea Konoha had drug dealers. The medic
slammed the drawer shut with a bit more force then necessary. The
metal cabinet rocked, causing a jar of pickles to fall off and
shatter on the floor. Brine flooded the floor
to Kabuto's dismay. The medic couldn't think of any jutsu that
could clean up this mess. Orochimaru was going to maim him.

Mentally the medic nin
started going down a list of people to blame the spill, and therefore
the intrusion, on. Sasuke would be
ideal if it weren't for the fact the boy hated everything to do with
the snake summoner. The raven haired genin would be the last one to
enter Orochimaru's quarters alone. There were a few others that
roamed the underground lair, but Kabuto doubted they would be stupid
enough to allow themselves to be framed.

While Kabuto was trying
to figure out who could be tricked into a set up, the pickle juice
was making it's way across the stone floor. Salty liquid inched
along, winding beneath a tiny crack in the wall.

Shaking himself, Kabuto
replaced his glasses and leaned down, watching as the juice leaked
under the wall. Obviously it wasn't a wall, but a hidden door. What
was Orochimaru doing with a door that didn't seem to lead anywhere?
The ninja glanced back at the clock. He had spent far too much time
in the office already, but what could one more minute hurt? Kabuto
couldn't find a doorknob or secret switch; he had picked up and
fiddled with every idiotic trinket on the table and cabinets.
Nothing.

With a groan, Kabuto
realized he would have to do the single most undignified thing he
could do in the situation. He hit the wall. When in doubt, smack
it. Two solid thumps later, the stone shifted and slid away,
revealing a shrine of hate and anger.

Mounted on the far wall
was a dart board with a picture of a woman on it. She was a grass
ninja judging by the forehead protector slung around her neck, and
much hated. Orochimaru had written several expletives in red marker
around the photograph, and had thrown darts in her eyes and neck.
Kabuto balked at the sheer amount of killing intent lingering in the
room, even after the source had gone. He nervously walked around the
closet sized room, examining voodoo dolls and containers of snake
venom. Who knew Orochimaru was one for witchcraft?

There was a small,
leather bound notebook shoved under a stack of old papers that drew
the medic's attention. Kabuto snatched it out and flipped it open,
surprised to see that it was a journal from when his master was still
with the Leaf. Flipping it open, Kabuto scanned the first few pages
that were mostly complaints about a
mission to the Hidden Village of the Grass. Then things got
interesting.

Gods! There is a
Kunoichi here that's going to drive me insane! Her name is Xian Si
and everytime I come out of a building she's there! EVERY FREAKING
TIME! I think she's stalking me. I just wish the stupid woman in
charge of this place finds that scroll the Old Man asked for fast.

Kabuto skipped forward
several pages, annoyed that he was pressed for time. He would have
liked to take the book with him, but if Orochimaru saw it was missing
he would not be pleased.

The old bat of Grass
finally gave me the stupid scroll. I don't see what's so special
about it, other than it's ridiculously huge for a technique scroll.
I would compare it to my Snake Summons, but that would disrespect
Manda. Apparently this scroll is top secret and was put in the
Hidden Grass for safe keeping, but I... The medic's eyes widened
at the information, but he once again skipped ahead. Xian. I
hate that woman with all my heart. Her stupid blue hair and purple
eyes will haunt me every night. Literally. The bitch volunteered to
escort me back as a show of good will. Imagine. Escort. Me. The
day I need an escort is the day some old geezer chops off my arms.

Kabuto snickered
and continued, noticing that the ink was different. Orochimaru must
have started the next entry some time later. I SWEAR IF THAT
WENCH CALLS ME OROCHI-KUN ONE MORE TIME I CAN'T BE HELD RESPONSIBLE
FOR WHAT I'M GOING TO DO TO HER! I am certain she was watching me
sleep. I summoned a snake and had it watch her all night. The woman
is insane. War or no, I really want to kill her. If we don't get
back tomorrow I will. She's looking at me right now... oh gods. I
think she's trying to flirt with me.

I did it. I finally
did it. Now I wish I hadn't. It was wonderful seeing the red
ribbons trickle out her mouth, until she said those fearful words.
"Orochi-kun, why didn't you want to be my snake in the grass?
We could have had a... wonderful time. I'll be waiting for you,
always." Then she died, and I know I am condemned. When I die,
that thing will be waiting for me in all
her mini-skirt glory. There is really only one choice, for
which I know the Old Man won't approve of, but I refuse to
meet that trollop again. So I commit myself to the search-

At the sound of
approaching footsteps, Kabuto replaced the book and rushed out of the
hidden room. He was surprised to find it was not Orochimaru who
entered the office but a lowly chunin, who looked like he had just
run ten miles. The man panted and looked up at Kabuto, "Urgent
news from Konoha. Where is Orochimaru-sama?"

"I don't know... try
the training field." Kabuto replied as the man rushed off. He
shook his head. Whatever it was could wait, he had new information
to fit into the jigsaw that was Orochimaru. Plus, he could now blame
the pickle spill on that chunin that just came in.

As Kabuto left with his
hands in his pockets, everything was coming clear. Orochimaru hated
Konoha because it sent him on the mission to Grass. He sought
immortality because he never wanted to see that Xian girl again, and
he had no sex life because it made him think of her...

Kabuto decided Konoha
must breed them insane. After all, he was the only normal ninja he
knew to come out of the place, and he was adopted.

THE END.

What did you think? It
was a bit short, but I wanted to get it out before school starts.
Why does snake-freak have a jar of pickles in his office? Why not?
I like pickles juice more than pickles.

I want to thank
everybody who's read the story to the end, PARTY!

Credits:

Ashmido-mask, AKA Ashmo
who took on the job of editing these!

AND ALL MY WONDERFUL
REVIEWERS!

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Coming Sometime This
Year...

The Sequal:

Dreams of Demons

The author would like to thank you for your continued support. Your review has been posted.