3 Ways You Can Be an Ally to Sexual Assault Survivors

It’s undeniable: In the year since it entered the mainstream, the #MeToo movement has ushered in a history-making wave of awareness and progress. But with every new disturbing sexual assault allegation or—the most stomach-dropping outcome—every time an accused is handed an even greater position of power, it’s clear that there is still work to be done.

Engaging in sexual violence activism can be re-traumatizing and unspeakably difficult, but it’s necessary. So what’s the best way to act as advocate without burning out? We turned to Farrah Khan—a sexual violence activist, counsellor and educator as well as manager at Consent Comes First Ryerson—about getting involved in meaningful ways, staying motivated when setbacks arise and how you can act as an ally to survivors right now.

Know when to take care of yourself:

“A part of addressing rape culture and sexual violence is being kind and generous to ourselves,” says Khan. “It can be as simple as coming to terms with the abuse that you’ve experienced. That can be a part of your healing journey, which can later lead to being able to support other people.” She explains that there should never be pressure on women to become a “spokesperson” for a cause before they feel truly ready to share their story. There are professionally led organizations and activist collectives who are taking action—and while they can benefit from volunteers and passionate advocates—not every survivor needs to transition from trauma to action right away. “Writer and feminist Audre Lorde talked about that, she said ‘Self-care is a radical act,’” says Khan. “So much about abusive harm is about telling us that we’re not good people, that we deserve the violence that was inflicted on us, that somehow it’s our fault. And so, when we’re good to ourselves, we’re actually changing the way in which rape culture has shaped this world.”

Practice speaking up:

Khan suggests learning the basic skills of what to do when someone shares that they’ve been a victim of sexual assault. “We came up with the ‘BRAVE’ model: Begin by listening, respect confidentiality, ask what support looks like to them, validate and empathize.” Part of moving the needle forward is also learning how to safely step in and challenge attitudes that perpetuates rape culture—even when that behaviour is coming from friends or family. “A part of our work is becoming more comfortable with your bystander intervention skills. It’s about saying, ‘Hey, when you posted that meme or when you said that thing about your girlfriend, this is why it wasn’t okay.’”

Combat the feeling of hopelessness:

The dialogue around sexual assault isn’t easy to partake in, especially when a never-ending news cycle would lead you to believe that we’re getting nowhere. Khan says acknowledging those feelings of hopelessness is okay. “We’re in a really hard time with this conversation,” she says. “Remind yourself that it’s okay to have a bad day.” If the bad days become all-consuming, make sure you’re setting limits and boundaries with the negative media that you consume. “Not always engaging with every story that comes out doesn’t make you ‘not a good advocate’ or survivor.” Turning to other survivors and activists in times of need—and building out a supportive community with them—also allows you to have strength in numbers. “As someone who’s been doing this work since I was a teen, what has saved me in this work is knowing that I wasn’t alone.”

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