Confessions

I’ve been wanting to do a post like this for quite some time, but held back in fear of possibly looking negative…but I kind of think that’s ridiculous, since I’m human and all…and there might be some of you out there who go, “oh thank god I’m not the only one who thinks that way!” 🙂 So here we go…

Forgive me blogosphere, it’s been….well never since my last confession. Is that how it goes? Seriously I grew up Catholic and can’t remember. Anyway…

Confession One: I sometimes feel crappy about being single.

I think the biggest confession I have is that I feel like such an oddball sometimes that I’m not married or in a relationship at 42. I haven’t even had a serious boyfriend for over five years now! I’ll admit it gets really hard reading about a lot of 20-somethings who are already married or getting married soon. You can’t help but wonder if it’s definitely about you (looks, personality, etc).

Now I’ll admit I don’t put myself out there as much as I should…well sort of. You see when the last bf and I broke up I really did put myself out there, joining the TRE (target rich environment) of beach volleyball. Have you ever seen the guys who play? 🙂 But nothing ever came of that, and I really despise online dating. I just spend SO much time at the computer already, the last thing I want to do is comb through weird emails with guys using text speak as their main form of communication. The whole online dating thing is such a huge project…and the thought of doing it just exhausts me. So what’s a single girl to do?

*side note: around these parts being single…even at my age is pretty normal. But here in the PF community it seems like everyone is married by the time they are 30.

Confession Two: I can’t relate!

There are a couple PF subjects out there that I have a hard time relating to, and would have no idea what kind of productive comment to leave.

The first one is about home ownership and mortgages. I have never owned anything…I’ve always rented. I came close to buying a condo once when I lived in Seattle, but didn’t feel quite ready. Then I moved to LA, and although I had a steady job, the cost to own here is outrageous. Then I lost my job and I’ve been living off an unsteady freelance income since.

The point is I have zero clue what it’s like…and I admit to feeling a tad bit jealous when again people who aren’t even 30 own their home. I feel like I’m living in some bizzaro world (this could also be a side effect of watching too many House Hunters episodes).

Another thing I can’t relate to is student loans. At least this is a positive, since I was very fortunate to have my college paid for and a partial scholarship. I do feel very bad reading about my fellow bloggers who are going through having to pay mountains of student loan debt. 🙁

And of course like I discussed in confession one, I have a hard time relating to “couple’s financial issues,” since I’m not in a relationship, but at least with that one I have been in the past…so sometimes I can offer something insightful.

Confession Three: I hate numbers!

Whenever I read a blog that involves a ton of facts/figures/numbers/calculations I totally blank out. Why? Because I hate numbers. I’m a touchy-feely right-brained thinker who likes reading the emotions behind personal finance. But me and numbers are like oil and water.

I totally envy those who can get into this by the way (Pauline at RFI is one of those girls I admire). She posts that if she does this, this, and that, then X will happen. Because of this she is a future-thinker and can really project how much she will need and how much she will make. It impresses the hell out of me!

Me? I like talking about how I feel all the time. lol! How certain events have impacted me (both emotionally and financially). The good news is there is something out there for everyone, right? 🙂

Confession Four: I know jack about investing.

One serious gap I have as a PF blogger is not knowing…or caring as much as I should about the investing world. I have an investment account and financial planner who sends me information all the time, yet I kind of ignore it. I guess this sort of goes along with my hatred of numbers.

I really wish at some point I would get excited about talking about Roth IRA’s and stocks/bonds/mutual funds, but I don’t see that happening any time soon. Sigh…

Confession Five: It’s hard sometimes to read how much money people make.

This is self-explanatory. I think it’s also one of the hardest things to admit. On one hand it inspires me to know it’s possible that with enough hard work and patience, I too can achieve making unlimited income each month, but at the same time I also feel like “ugh, what is wrong with me that I’m making as a freelancer each month what some people are making in extra income?”

One of the biggest demons I have always battled in my life is not comparing myself to other people. I’ve mentioned it multiple times in this blog in the past…yet it’s still one of the hardest things to try and get over. As you can see in each confession it’s a common theme.

When I go for beach runs I often have that angel/devil sitting on my shoulder. The angel is encouraging and fun and lighthearted, yet pushes me when I need pushing.

The devil is a whiny diva. She tells me how tired, hungry, hot, cold, and grumpy she is, and tries to convince me to give up. I sometimes visualize throwing her bitchy ass in the ocean, but occasionally…and just occasionally she overpowers me. I think this week for some reason she has been riding shotgun.

The point is sometimes that lil’ devil wins and she writes blog posts like this…but know that most of the time the angel wins and she will get back to writing happy, positive, self-empowered posts soon. She just needed a little staycacation (she’s smart about money don’t ya know). 🙂

What would you like to confess today, my little sinners? 🙂 Can you relate to any of these?

My eyes kind of glaze over when it comes to hardcore investing as well. I can’t keep track of what all the metrics mean!!! 🙂 It’s hard to avoid comparing yourself to others, but hey… we’re all different.

I totally understand the not married part…and other people’s income…and not being the best numbers person. It’s so hard because there are these benchmarks that we allegedly are supposed to reach by certain points in our lives. The thing that we have to remember is (as trite as this sounds) everyone has a different path. On Friday nights when I am hanging out on my own I try to remind myself of this fact and focus on being positive, but I can’t lie-it’s hard. All of these states of being can change though from: single-married/divorced, renter-homeowner, investing novice-complete expert. You get the picture. Just try not to compare yourself to others, it will drive you crazy and stress you out.

Thankfully I don’t dwell in that comparison game too long before getting a grip. I know what you mean though in that statuses can change on a dime. I mean everyone who gets married thinks they will stay married and that’s not always the case. The grass is always greener right?

I’m just learning about investing as I understand to a certain extent but that’s about it. We are all human and comparing ourselves is natural but when we let it overpower our own lives that’s when it becomes a negative. Numbers to me are just a means to motivate me to find better ways to improve my own goals. I never care what others make, I’m more concerned about HOW they make it, is it sustainable and realistic. There will always be people with more but more doesn’t necessarily mean the most. You are right you are a feeling type of writer and why i enjoy reading your blog. You are unique where I feel I’m just reading about you… and your feelings about life. It’s great when you can connect with a writer for whatever reasons. On being single, well I believe in fate, what will be will be.

I definitely know what you mean. Yes, I understand that everyone moves at their own pace — whether with career development, relationships, and personal growth — but I can’t help but feel a little more wealth envy than I’m proud to admit. With me, it feels like anyone else who blogs about their sad student loan debt has $100,000 less of it than I do and is five to 10 years younger. Sigh…

Appreciate your openness on these topics! I also do not know a whole lot about investing, mainly because until recently I didn’t even have a 401k, let alone a personal investment account 😉 I would also say this comments “and I admit to feeling a tad bit jealous when again people who aren’t even 30 own their home.” you really have to think about where people live. It’s a lot easier to afford a home in Minnesota (even the Twin Cities) vs. some of hte metro areas in California. Like San Francisco…I could hardly afford to rent there, let alone buying a home!

Wow, what an awesome, honest post! I’ve never owned a home either, and I’ve never made even a dollar of side income, though I’m trying to figure that out now. My confession is that I’m really resistant to big life changes. I don’t like moving, changing jobs, starting something new and unknown, etc. Like you say, there’s a battle that hopefully the angel wins most of the time, but not always. Thanks for sharing!

Well I like seeing positive numbers in my accounts, so that’s one thing, but when it comes to a lot of math and calculations…I just didn’t get that gene. 🙂 And that is the beauty about this community…seeing how everyone is different and how they deal with life…and how where they live impacts them financially in a positive or negative way.

Yes that makes sense. lol! I’m sorry you can relate to those student loans. 🙁 Maybe all of us Cali PF bloggers should pool our money and buy a two-bedroom house somewhere. lol!

John S @ Frugal Rules

I love this post Tonya, especially the honesty behind it. I too hate seeing how much others make, well…I hate how I use them to compare myself to them. Its not that I am not happy for them, but I tend to go back to the comparison. In the end, we all have our own situations and we make what we make. Telling that to myself and actually doing that is another. 😉

I can relate to most of these! Although I am in a serious relationship, we don’t really want to get married or have kids, which is odd after you’ve been dating 5 years. It’s just not our thing. I also don’t know anything about investing, I nearly always round up or down when talking about my debt and not to the penny, and I don’t plan on being a homeowner either! I can’t even talk about the income thing…I am just getting back on my feet, so I just need to remember to be grateful everyday and not compare myself to others!

I’m glad you found the path that is right for you! Honestly I think the one I’m most “concerned” with at this point is I’d really like to have a significant other…and although I’m not very traditional and don’t care for a big ol wedding, I’d like to be married at some point! 🙂

Aside from student loans and having met my husband online, I can related to you on most of these subjects. It’s hard for me to hear about people making thousands of dollars in extra income in a month when I’m picking up pennies from the parking lot…it definitely makes me feel like a loser. I can also relate to you about knowing jack when it comes to investing and home ownership. I’m not good at math and hate numbers…I honestly usually skim/skip over heavily numbered/mathy sections of blog posts. I get especially flustered with math word problems or trying to figure money/numbers for the future.

I love this post, so honest and insightful about you. I agree with you that I lean more on the emotional/thinking side to finances, rather than the hard numbers. I agree, too, that it’s sometimes challenging to see people in their 20’s so put together in terms of home ownership, relationships, etc. But for what it’s worth, when I read your past entries (in the least stalker way possible) to now, I’ve really seen you evolve and grow, and you are one of the blogs I value most, because you are so real, open, and personable (plus hilarious!).

Awe thank you so much! That means a lot…and yeah I do think I’ve come a long way in a lot of areas this past year!

Mackenzie Randompath

Great post Tonya 🙂
I can’t relate to investing either; I try to understand it, but my brain just shuts down! I really need to make a concerted effort to learn. And also, I never had student loans either, so I can’t relate to those posts.

To be honest we don’t have much in common but your blog is one of my favorites to read because you are so personable! Everyone can relate to personable 😉 thank you for providing everyone with such a wonderful blog to read!

Yes, I can absolutely understand not being able to relate to others, although not for some of the same reasons as you. Numbers and investing are my life, but since my own dear husband gets a glazed look in his eyes when I start prattling about investments, etc – I won’t hold it against you for feeling the same. I compare myself to others too and it seems like we dwell on those areas where we think we’re not doing as well. Love this post, Tonya. Love the honesty and just go throw that annoying b*tch in the ocean and be happy being you. We all like you! 🙂

Can totally relate to this post. I’m turning 39 in August and not only am I not in a relationship (and haven’t been for over two years now), but I deliberately stopped dating a few months ago when I got real about my finances. I decided that I want to bring something better than a bunch of debt to the table when Mr. Perfect comes along. But then sometimes I wonder if I’m making the right choice by closing that door completely (My little devil sometimes yells in my ear — “You ain’t gettin’ any younger!” What an asshole.) But like in LA, being single at any age in NYC is also pretty normal, so I feel much better about it here than I think I would if I lived in, say, North Dakota.

From what I’ve read, I think you have a great life! And so many people I know who are in relationships/married are miserable, so there’s always that. 😉 So hard not to compare yourself to those imagined versions of other people, though, I know…

And, yeah, it can be tedious and sometimes creepy, but I think online dating is OK. I’ve met a few interesting people that way and know quite a few people who met their current boyfriends/husbands like that. And, just think, if it goes really badly, you can always blog about it! 🙂

I love how you call your devil an asshole. lol! I figured it would be pretty similar in NY. I wonder if I stayed in MI if I would be married by now…but then again I’d be in Michigan. I’m sure I’ll give online dating a try again, but I totally get the feeling of wanting your finances in order…I kind of did the same thing. For one I wasn’t able to buy many “date clothes.” I still hardly have any. 🙁

Haha…what’s with all the confessions lately? I just did a post about the shameful things I’ve done in the past to save $$. I’m with you on the investing bit–it’s embarrassing how large the discrepancy between how much I know about general money management and how little I know about investing. But now that we know these things, there’s nowhere to go but up, eh? 🙂

Great post, Tonya! This is the power of blogging. It can be so therapeutic and what a comfort to know that you’re not alone (look at all these comments telling you so!). I will say that I can relate to being more right-brained and educating myself just enough about numbers to maintain a budget but I’m terrible with investments.
P.S. – as cliche as this saying has become: “the grass is always greener” rings truer the older I get. Your time will come and when it does you’ll know exactly who you are and what you want. And you’ll appreciate it in such a way that further enriches your life. Who knows? Someone out there might be just as envious of your fully independent, L.A. beach lifestyle 🙂
Thanks for sharing!

Very good post, Tonya. I have to say we are the opposite in a lot of ways. I have a house and am in a relationship but I have student debt 🙁 It is such a bitch and I envy people who have no debt. I really need to work on the whole not comparing myself to others. I always feel like I am behind and it really f*cks with my psyche sometimes. I don’t care much for numbers either. I envy people ho can make nice little pie graphs of their progress. Maybe someday. Writing takes a lot of work as it is.

My confession is that while I love my married, homeowner, student loan just barely paid off before age 40 life, I do sometimes wish I could live by the beach and have an evening just to be by myself, and drink wine, and do nothing. I think we all compare our lives to each other in some ways. It’s human nature. Thanks for your confession. I’d give you a hail Mary or something, but I grew up evangelical Christian, so we were taught to stay away from Catholics. Ah that could be a whole post in itself….

Thank you for the mention! And you know what, I don’t like numbers very much myself, my calculations are always approximate and have a good deal of “fingers crossed” added to them. I do blank out when there are weird exponential numbers and complex fractions involved on those investing sites.

I used to get like you around 30 with all the baby/marriage craze going around, and now, it has passed. I don’t know if it is something medias sell you, like you have to be happy at Christmas, but it is gone. And seeing my friends and sister going through divorce in their 30s, well, it is not very nice, but it’s kind of comforting that those people who went for the wrong person for the sake of getting married and having a baby aren’t much better off.

Which boils down to your smart conclusion, the path is your own, so stop comparing yourself. Your weight, looks, finances, personal situation are the result of all the things that happened in your life and if you truly wanted to get married you would have stayed with one of those guys and may be miserable by now.

Financial Black Sheep

Don’t feel bad, everyone is different. I love that you try not to compare yourself to others, because that is the best way to live. Well, at least I think so 🙂

I never thought I would get married, nor did I dream of getting married. I just met my best friend and didn’t want to live without him.

I never had a real mortgage, only a personal loan for my mobile home.

I am not planning on having kids any time soon, which really makes me an odd-ball when it comes to couples and couple-speak.

I clean houses, do side-jobs, and pay for my school without any loans or scholarships. Do I care that others make more money? A big fat no. Would I like to make more money? A big fat yes, but comparing myself to others only brings me down, while focusing my limited time on non-productive things.

I think we can all feel that way about other bloggers–there are instances where we just can’t relate. Especially on the budget front–people living in other areas of the country just have lower living expenses. And it irks me when they make it sound like my style of living is so high because I’m spending X amount on living expenses, and I’m like “that’s a basic two-bedroom!” I also really really don’t anything about investing. I just don’t get it and find it so overwhelming.

I love this. I sometimes have a hard time relating to others, too — I just don’t get some of the weekly recaps of how little people spent at Starbucks or whatnot — but this post makes me really want you to come visit Portland!

Great post Tonya! I think we all have gaps that we wish we were stronger in. I know I have felt very inadequate at times in my first year of blogging. I know so little about how to grow a blog and it seems like everyone else is killing it. I think we just have to fill these gaps in slowly the best we can. But we should really focus on and play to our strengths. People will ultimately love us for who we are, not for who we are not. Thanks for sharing from your heart. (BTW, I think posts like this show your strengths of openness and introspection.)

Ah, I think all of your worries are perfectly normal, but also justified! Owning doesn’t make sense for you, I just happen to live in an area where houses are relatively cheap! Most of our friends still don’t own, especially in Toronto and Vancouver, because it is so far out of the realm of the possible and costs so much more than renting!

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