Slough fights off Paris, Tokyo to take top food award

Residents of the town of Slough in Berkshire are celebrating this morning after it was announced that it had leapt ahead of exotic locales such as Paris and Tokyo as the global location with the most desirable cuisine.

The award, presented at a star-studded ceremony at Butlins last night, is said to take into account the number of Michelin three-star restaurants in each location, as well as other factors, such as a ‘significant’ reduction in the number of mice, rats and other vermin found in kitchens.

Donna Plumber, proprietor of Donna’s Kebab’s, one of Slough’s many restaurants that was highly commended by the judging panel said: “We haven’t had a rat in here since early September. Or was it mid-October? Either way, we almost certainly didn’t chop it up, cook it and put it into a kebab for an unsuspecting punter to buy. Oh no. I’m just glad the judging panel have taken the time to recognise that fact.”

Meanwhile, the judging panel have reacted angrily to reports that it was less than even-handed when making its decision.

“Look,” said Marcus Higginbottom, Head Chef at Truffles restaurant, London, and a member of the panel, “I don’t know where these reports have come from, but suggestions that we were all set to give the award to Paris before having a boozy night in Slough are completely inaccurate.

“And even if they were true, can you really tell me that there’s anything that tastes better than chicken and chips at 2am after a night on the beers? No, I thought not. Gastronomic perfection – even if it does need 7 pints of Stella with Tequila chasers to appreciate it.”

Jean-Pierre Toulon, Head Chef of Le Grande Fromage, one of the most highly respected restaurants in Paris said: “Oh, for Christ’s sakes. If we’d known that was all it took, we would have got them hammered at the bar and ordered in a bargain bucket from KFC.”

Slough resident Bertie Sandhurst, 56, insists that the news is great news for Slough and everyone who lives there. “I think this is great news for Slough and everyone who lives here,” he said, wiping burger sauce away from his mouth. “We’re fed up of everyone laughing at us because we live in Slough, and thinking of The Office. Now we can take great pride in our kebabs, burger shops, and fried chicken outlets and truly say they offer the best cuisine in the world. Up yours, Frenchies!”

Blogroll

Subscribe to hear The Oracle Speak

The Oracle Speaks is yet another overly-sarcastic, satirical news blog. The views represented on this site are, let's face it, not to be taken very seriously.

However, if taking things seriously is your thing, then it's probably worth pointing out that these views almost certainly aren't shared by the poor souls who actually employ the blog's writers in the real world.

Did you know, by the way, that nothing said in this blog is even remotely true, and that none of the quotes used here by persons either real or imagined, were ever said by anyone, ever? You didn't?

Well, that bit IS true. In fact, the only thing on this entire site that shouldn't be taken with a pinch of industrial-sized salt is this disclaimer. Got it?

If you would like to contact The Oracle Speaks for any reason, please e-mail us or get in touch via Twitter or Facebook. Alternatively, find out where we live and knock. Bye!