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Topic: Apparently I Give Inconvenient Gifts (Read 12346 times)

OP I think the mom was rude and I think the gift was perfect for the girls.

The only thing *I* personally would do differently is buy individual gifts but that's me,and probably comes from being a sandwich child with two younger sisters and I hated the sharing thing when it came to gifts. But that's me. Otherwise it sounds like you got them a great gift.

Down here in the South we would just call that a "cousin". At least when I was growing up, all confusingly related people or not-really-related people who are neverltheless treated by the second and third generation as if they are family, were given the blanket designation of cousin.

You just made me aware of something.....I'm in the South too and I call the wives of my first cousins "cousin". The mother in this post is more distantly related through marriage and DH has never considered her of any relation to him. May have to do with his feelings towards her- he does not like her and her husband, but to his credit he is always polite to them at Christmas (the only time we see them). He has made it clear to me in private that he wants nothing more to do with the mother or her family than what's "required" at Christmas. Probably why I don't think of her as a "cousin" either.

OP, I'm curious if she was so horrid about any of the gifts from others. Did you notice her commenting about all the gifts? It might be good to try to think if anyone gave her kids something she didn't complain about and find something similar.

Now that I remember, she made some snide comments about another person's gift a few years ago when it was something crafty. Guess no messy, crafty gifts for these kids from now on. I had given books to the girls in the past and that went over okay, but as the kids get older I feel it is harder to pick out a book they would like if I don't know them. They were also given necklaces without a fuss from mom, so I may remember something like that for next year.

I have also given play-dough to other kids. In my experience, every kid loves play-dough and it always seemed to be a great gift. It also assists with working on fine motor and sensory skills which are essential for a child's development. I played with it often as a kid and I lived in a house with beige carpets. The rule was that I could only play with it in the kitchen at the table where there were tiled floors. My mother made it very clear that it wasn't allowed anywhere else in the house. So when I give play-dough or other crafty gifts, I just assumed that the parents will set similar limits for their kids to avoid messes. But every family is different and from now on I will try to remember to ask the parent first before giving these types of gifts.

You were fine. Children (almost by definition) are messy and inconvenient. Mom needs to get a new attitude. Frankly, I pity those children because their mom is self-centered.

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Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bow lines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover. -Mark Twain

I know lots of mothers who might not like play dough or nail polish as a gift. Those preferences do not make them selfish and their children do not require the pity of strangers. Some of then explore their creativity through dance, music, writing, art classes.

Parental devotion is not measured in play dough or nail polish. It doesn't sound like OP has a lot of data on their day to day dynamics and we certainly haven't been given enough information to determine what kind of parent she is or how much she values her kids.

I know lots of mothers who might not like play dough or nail polish as a gift. Those preferences do not make them selfish and their children do not require the pity of strangers. Some of then explore their creativity through dance, music, writing, art classes.

Parental devotion is not measured in play dough or nail polish. It doesn't sound like OP has a lot of data on their day to day dynamics and we certainly haven't been given enough information to determine what kind of parent she is or how much she values her kids.

Yes, all of this.

To be honest, I have just quietly taken away and hidden for years later, or disposed of a few gifts that I just didn't want to deal with at my house. And my house is not a picture perfect postcard, ever.

Pity my kids more when Mum is super-crabby because every last nerve has been worn down by them playing incessently with the noisy toys that all the subversive aunts have given them, than by them not being allowed to use the glitter paints.

I remember having "messy" things at that age. The rule was that newspaper has to be spread on the kitchen tile floor, not carpeted areas. Or go outside.

Continue to gift what you want within reason. No need to twist yourself into a pretzel because every gift can come with problems.

This is a great use for an old bed sheet. Spread it out, let them play for a while, then just gather the corners together to contain the mess and discard the mess. Then you just wash the sheet when needed.

I know lots of mothers who might not like play dough or nail polish as a gift. Those preferences do not make them selfish and their children do not require the pity of strangers. Some of then explore their creativity through dance, music, writing, art classes.

Parental devotion is not measured in play dough or nail polish. It doesn't sound like OP has a lot of data on their day to day dynamics and we certainly haven't been given enough information to determine what kind of parent she is or how much she values her kids.

Yes, all of this.

To be honest, I have just quietly taken away and hidden for years later, or disposed of a few gifts that I just didn't want to deal with at my house. And my house is not a picture perfect postcard, ever.

Pity my kids more when Mum is super-crabby because every last nerve has been worn down by them playing incessently with the noisy toys that all the subversive aunts have given them, than by them not being allowed to use the glitter paints.

The bolded is the big difference to the woman in the OP, though. She didn't just quietly take the gifts and do whatever with them; she berated the OP and was unbelievably rude.

Not wanting to deal with messy stuff does not a bad mother make. But complaining about gifts given to your children, in front of those children, and berating the giver? Certainly doesn't give a good impression.

She could have taken the OP aside and quietly told her that it wasn't it great idea to give the kids messy stuff because they would have to be supervised. But the girls love books and downloading music to their iPods and cute tees with butterflies on them. Maybe we could be in touch closer to this time next year and talk about some good gift ideas for them?

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After cleaning out my Dad's house, I have this advice: If you haven't used it in a year, throw it out!!!!.

She made a sarcastic comment. I do agree it was impolite. I went back and actually read the OP to refresh my memory. I can't say that it really sounds like being berated either. And as far as quietly letting her know ahead of time, without any kids around - there is at least one poster who takes issue with this as well.

She could have taken the OP aside and quietly told her that it wasn't it great idea to give the kids messy stuff because they would have to be supervised. But the girls love books and downloading music to their iPods and cute tees with butterflies on them. Maybe we could be in touch closer to this time next year and talk about some good gift ideas for them?

This would have been perfectly okay with me. The parent is responsible for their kids and their house, so they get the final word in gifts whether I agree or not. I would always respect that boundary. After seeing some of the responses in this thread though, I have learned that some presents are more high maintenance than I thought and will remember to ask the parent first before gifting them from now on.

I don't think people are terrible parents because they don't like crafty gifts for their kids, only very rude when they berate the gift and the giver in front of everyone after the child opens the gift.

She could have taken the OP aside and quietly told her that it wasn't it great idea to give the kids messy stuff because they would have to be supervised. But the girls love books and downloading music to their iPods and cute tees with butterflies on them. Maybe we could be in touch closer to this time next year and talk about some good gift ideas for them?

This would have been perfectly okay with me. The parent is responsible for their kids and their house, so they get the final word in gifts whether I agree or not. I would always respect that boundary. After seeing some of the responses in this thread though, I have learned that some presents are more high maintenance than I thought and will remember to ask the parent first before gifting them from now on.

I don't think people are terrible parents because they don't like crafty gifts for their kids, only very rude when they berate the gift and the giver in front of everyone after the child opens the gift.

Oh, I agree - very rude to behave like that, no doubt. I was mostly agreeing with those replying to posters implying all sorts of things about parents in general just because they disliked a particular messy thing in their house.

I agree with the opinion that the mother was rude. You say 'thank you' for any gift you receive and show due appreciation that someone put thought into choosing it for you. I think since you don't seem to know this family/these girls too well, gift cards would be a very thoughtful gift.

If you don't want to do gift cards, I, as the mother of two boys, have found it helpful to search the store for a girl in the age range of my sons (when they are invited to a girl's party) and ask her opinion on a number of choices that we have chosen from the girls toy area. I always ask the parent for permission to get their daughter's opinion first and give profuse thanks for any help given. I've done this three times and it has worked out well. The girl has always been very helpful and the gift has seemed to go over pretty well. However, I also always include a gift receipt ... just in case.

I know lots of mothers who might not like play dough or nail polish as a gift. Those preferences do not make them selfish and their children do not require the pity of strangers. Some of then explore their creativity through dance, music, writing, art classes.

Parental devotion is not measured in play dough or nail polish. It doesn't sound like OP has a lot of data on their day to day dynamics and we certainly haven't been given enough information to determine what kind of parent she is or how much she values her kids.

I wanted to reply to this , I don't think not wanted to play with nail polish or sand was a parenting fail but saying it in front of her daughters was and IMHO it was rude to kids as well. note: I think the sentiment could have been expressed politely to the girls but "great now I'm going to be painting their nails all day" in a sarcastic tone was rude to the girls too.

I'm only posting because for almost 40 years -- long before we ever even heard the term "passive-aggressive" -- my husband and I have joked about the most hostile thing you could do to someone is to give their kid a snare drum kit that you have to assemble from 100 small, sharp pieces that are covered in glitter.

I am reminded of the time when I was a toddler and was given a toy drum set for Christmas by my wonderful Aunt Simone, another favourite relative. I LOVED the drum set, much to the chagrin of my parents, who decided as revenge to gift my cousins (triplets!) with an entire set of toy instruments for their birthday that following April.

I know it seems mean and PA on the surface but I'm assured it was all done in humour and good fun (and of course the triplets loved the insturments as well) and in the end it was agreed, no more noisy toys as gifts.