Just Ask Alice

DEAR ALICE: My husband and I haven’t been married very long, but we are not what I’d call happily married. Any advice about how to bring back that lovin’ feeling?
—NEW ALBANY NEWLYWED
DEAR NEW: Many newlyweds quickly discover that they have different priorities and that’s what leads to trouble. For example you may want to buy expensive new shoes and your husband wants more mundane things, such as food. So the solution is compromise—buy the shoes and eat them.
—ALICE
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DEAR ALICE: I was in a grocery store in New York State recently and they had a sign posted saying “Bring your own bag and receive 20 cents off your grocery bill.” When I returned, I brought my wife, aunt and two cousins, but they wouldn’t give me anything off my grocery bill. Do you think this was false advertising?
—UPSET IN WYSOX
DEAR UPSE: Hey, it’s my job to make the jokes. Cut it out or you’ll get me fired.
—ALICE
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DEAR ALICE: Why did Glen Beck end his show on Fox?
—WONDERING IN WYSOX
DEAR WOND: I’m hearing that he ran out of conspiracy theories and those voices in his head stopped talking to him.
—ALICE
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DEAR ALICE: I read that Toyota is going to start integrating Microsoft technology into their cars. Is this true?
—LOW TECH, LACEYVILLE
DEAR LOW: Yep it’s true, and it means that if your car crashes, you’ll have to call tech support to find out why.
—ALICE
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DEAR ALICE: How much longer will it be before we can enjoy a few days of warm weather in a row?
—TEXAS BOY, TOWANDA
DEAR TEX: The good news is that a persistent winter makes for a sweeter spring when it finally arrives. So hang in there a few more days, amigo.
—ALICE
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DEAR ALICE: If the government had shut down last week, would members of Congress still have gotten paid?
—WONDERING IN WYALUSING
DEAR WOND: Sure they would have been paid. It wouldn’t have been all that unusual; they do nothing and we pay them.
—ALICE
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CONFIDENTIAL TO DISCOURAGED IN DUSHORE: Sometimes the best place to look for a helping hand is at the end of your own arm.
—ALICE