Hunt: Waiting Times For NHS Privatisation ‘Unacceptable’

Jeremy Hunt has claimed waiting times for international business interests to privatise the NHS are ‘unacceptable.’ The Secretary of State for Health made the remarks whilst delivering a private £15,000 keynote speech to a business and health conference after it had been reported that a hedge fund operating out of the Cayman Islands was forced to wait almost three months before it could take over a multi-million pound contract running the NHS’s in house temporary staff supplier, potentially losing the company a fortune in the process.

NHS representatives reported millionaire banker Max Headlong, who runs the hedge fund from his yacht in the Cayman Islands, had repeatedly pleaded with UK health officials that he was losing almost £30,000 a day but hospital management were so overrun with other companies attempting to buy off bits of the hospital as they worked that they were unable to come to Mr Headlong’s aid. The banker commented, ‘It was a living nightmare. I was getting the sweats, headaches and dandruff. Sometimes I couldn’t even sleep. Buggeration! I was losing almost £30,000 a day. Over that period I must have drunk at least two bottles of scotch a night. It played havoc with my constipation and I had to send my wife out in the Bentley to get some Imodium but the silly cow went and crashed it. I must have lost £45,000 that day so now, although I have the contract, I’m still suing the NHS. These ridiculous waiting times for NHS privatisation must come down now or someone rich will die!’

Mr Hunt has always publicly denied that he plans to privatise the NHS claiming that his remarks in a book he wrote titled ‘How I Plan to Privatise the NHS‘ have been taken out of context. Speaking to guests at the lavish business banquet set up by Optum (the health insurance company to which both David Cameron’s ex minister for health and the current head of NHS England have professional connections) he rattled on, ‘We are not reallyprivatising the NHS, we are simply allowing business interests to slowly seep into sectors of its burgeoning health market that can no longer run at a profit. There is a difference. Though, as we all know, it’s purely in the spelling. Always remember, this exciting opportunity has only come about after years of purposeful mismanagement and underinvestment on both my part and the parts of successive lying little enemas just like me. I would also like to take this opportunity to raise a cut-crystal glass to the BBC News departments for their relentless, irrational criticism and scaremongering of the health service, without which, all this would have been a great deal more difficult.’

Defending further claims that he would sell his own mother he quibbled, ‘That is absurd. It would be far more cost effective to rent her to the NHS as a broom and mop dispensing unit whilst simultaneously floating her organs on the stock market then by investing the revenue gained in this initial floatation, fund several lucrative tax-free offshore banking practices until waiting until she was no longer profitable, i.e. dead, before liquidating her assets, harvesting her remaining parts and selling them to Chinese commercial investment entities for a healthydividend.’