The idle musings of a former military man, former computer geek, medically retired pastor and now full-time writer. Contents guaranteed to offend the politically correct and anal-retentive from time to time. My approach to life is that it should be taken with a large helping of laughter, and sufficient firepower to keep it tamed!

Wednesday, October 19, 2016

Quote of the day

They can pull an effectively unlimited number of bull**** space-magic countermeasures out of their arses - but they're as likely as not to give themselves a lethal five-dimensional wedgie in the process.

Uh . . . OK . . . if you say so!

I really must try to figure out how to incorporate 'a lethal five-dimensional wedgie' in my next SF novel . . .

"You're not going to try to give me some sort of lethal five-dimensional wedgie, are you?" Spanner said to his highly menacing, supremely slippery, and yet completely restrained prisoner.

Wrench said, with more than a little disgust, "Just what the hell is that supposed to be? I don't even know what that is!"

Spanner replied, "Yes, but it sounds like something you'd try, just because just the name of it sounds cool as hell ..."

Wrench looked Spanner directly in the eyes and said, "Temporal causality and paradox problems come up when you try to do too much with a five-dimensional wedgie, you know, but there are little things you can try ..."

Spanner hadn't noticed up to this point that his underwear was feeling more than a little bit constricting.

Spanner looked at Wrench with a slightly concerned look, wondering what Wrench was going on about, just as Wrench made a mock clapping sound twice. Spanner immediately fell to the floor, writhing in agony as he clutched his family inheritance hoping for some rapid relief.

Wrench laughed and said, "It's actually called The Clapper, but it doesn't give you a five-dimensional wedgie. It also has an emergency activation mode where you make a sound like a clap, but it's just your emergency activation phrase that sounds like one."

Spanner asked with more than a bit of worry and a considerable bit of pain, "So ... ugh ... oof ... what does it do?"

Wrench beamed brightly and said, "Oh, it slowly cuts off circulation in anticipation of a signal to begin applying extreme impact stress across several of its programmed surfaces. It's really not like a five-dimensional wedgie at all ... it's more like a five-dimensional kick in the family inheritance with steel-toed boots, with a swift kick in the coccyx just for good measure."

"And now the release code for the restraints, at least if you'd like to see your future children alive and un-adopted, which is news I'm sure you won't be taking sitting down right now ..."