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(in her 40s)

A Guide to Hanging Out With Cloth Ears.

It’s Deaf Awareness Week, so as yours truly has cloth ears, I thought I’d do my bit to help with that awareness. I lost my hearing after having a baby and have to rely on hearing aids to hear. There’s more on that in this post here. However, even with hearing aids it’s a day to day struggle trying to hear sounds and conversations. What would help people like me, is if people were aware of the ways that would help us with our hearing issues (and in turn help you).

So, here’s my tips for when you’re with a deaf person:
– ensure you’ve got your deaf friend’s attention before talking to them
– make sure you’re talking in their direction and don’t turn away in the middle of talking to them either. If you suddenly need to grab something that’s in a different direction to your friend- stop talking & start again once you’re facing them again. Otherwise, you’ll be wasting your breath.
– don’t cover your mouth. I can’t lip read, but this still makes a difference for me. I guess we all must subconsciously lip read slightly.
– speak clearly and not too fast, but not so slowly your friend might want to slap you for patronising them.
– if your friend has asked you to repeat yourself, please make a concerted effort to speak louder. It’s surprising the amount of people who don’t do this. You’ve been asked to repeat yourself because you’re not speaking loud enough for them. Repeating what you have to say in the same volume is pointless.

– as hard as this can be sometimes, when with a group of friends, try not to speak over each other/at the same time. It’s so hard for someone with hearing problems to keep up with everything that’s being said. Our brains have to work twice as hard to differentiate sounds.
– background noise is also a nightmare for people with hearing loss. It’s hard enough trying to understand what’s being said to you, but when your brain is picking up on other noises, it makes it so much harder.
– when out in a pub or restaurant with your deaf buddy, try to pick tables that have a wall behind some of the seats and ensure your friend gets one of these. Sitting with a wall behind you rather than the whole pub/restaurant limits the amount of “external” noise going in your deaf friend’s direction. Therefore, it will be easier for them to hear.
– try to ensure your deaf friend is included in the conversation when out with a group. It’s incredibly isolating being deaf sometimes and if they’re being quiet in a group situation, it’s probably because they’re struggling to hear.
– it’s worth remembering that the bigger a room, the taller the ceiling and the “emptier” it is (for example has a lack of carpets, curtains, big objects) the harder it is for people with hearing problems to hear. Small, cosy rooms are winners for us cloth ears.
– assistant dogs for the deaf & hard of hearing wear burgundy coats (just thought I’d add that as is worth knowing).

– NHS hearing aids are amazing. Without mine, I wouldn’t easily be able to work, socialise, hear music or hear my daughter laugh. They have given me my hearing back for free. Long live the NHS.

– most of us hate using phones. Contact us using any other method if possible.
– feedback on our hearing aids are a nightmare and incredibly unpleasant. Bear this is mind if you get too close to them (hugs are fine for example, just not with your head resting on our ears). Shouting and any sudden loud noise can also cause feedback.
– we can’t get our hearing aids wet. There’s amazing (and expensive) little computers inside them. Computers don’t like getting wet. That’s why you might see us swiftly getting our umbrellas out at the first sign of rain. So no spontaneously chucking us into the pool on holiday, OK?
-deafness seems to be the last remaining disability some people think it’s ok to make fun of. Maybe rethink mocking your hard of hearing friend for their disability.
– please don’t equate deafness with stupidity. You’d be surprised how often this happens. We’re not stupid, we just didn’t catch what you said.
– please don’t get frustrated if we ask you to repeat what you said. I know it’s not fun having to repeat yourself, but it’s a lot less fun being deaf. We haven’t chosen to have bad hearing, we promise we’re not mishearing you on purpose. It would make our lives a lot easier if we didn’t have to ask people to repeat themselves. Thanking you.

-never EVER say “it doesn’t matter”. What a deaf person gets from that is “you’re not important enough to repeat myself for”
– don’t be afraid to ask us anything about our hearing issues. The more people are aware of deafness issues, the better it is for everyone.
Please feel free to share this post, to help raise awareness.

Hayley, your last point really got to me. I’ve for sure said, “It doesn’t matter” when my dad or father-in-law (both hard of hearing due to firearm use near their ears) has asked me to repeat something. Being a talkative person, I often say more than necessary–so I make an assumption that if someone asks me to repeat myself it’s because they weren’t listening (and maybe what I was just filling space rather than communicating meaning). But the key is awareness. Maybe I did say something inane. But I should let these wonderful people in my life decide for themselves if I’m boring rather than making the decision for them. As usual, you’re making me think. Thank you.

Yes, it’s very upsetting hearing “it doesn’t matter”. What’s annoying is that person managed to say “it doesn’t matter” loud enough of me to hear, so why not just repeat what they’d said at that louder volume. It does refer back to my point of deafness being very isolating. I miss hearing the inane things. It’s quite often the little things that matter. Thank you so much for reading & it’s very encouraging to hear you reflect on this. Thanks Angela (oh and don’t worry plenty of people say “it doesn’t matter” and am sure I’ve done it in the past myself) xx

Excellent advise. Just wanted to say that there are hearing aids that don’t have any feedback when you’re hugged or a loud noise occurs, and with Bluetooth connection to your mobile phone so you CAN have conversations easily with them. Of course the NHS do not provide those but they are worth saving up for.

WE all need reminding of disabilities, and how we can communicate more efficiently. Deafness is a very hard one, a bit like a bad back. No one can see the disability. Thanks for reminding me what needs to be done.

Some great points Hayley; we often joke about my dad being deaf in one ear (“Mom’s finally broke him after all these years…”) but it must be difficult for him, especially when we’re out in social situations which may be a bit noisy We have to remember to be a bit more sympathetic!

What a great post! I’m definitely sharing this. I understand some of your points personally. I’m not deaf but was once told that I have a discrimination disorder. What that means is that when there’s a lot of noise around I’m unable to discriminate one sound, like a voice from the background noise, so anytime I’m in a public setting it often just sounds like a lot of static around me. I’ve missed a lot of conversations in my life.

That’s a really informative post Hayley, some of these I already knew, because one of my good friends has hearing impairment, but other ones like the walls behind tables is so simple when you know it, but not something we would never think about.
I remember watching this advert once on Youtube done by Samsung where they set up cameras and for a day this lad called Muharrem got to experience what it was like when everyone spoke to him using sign language and you should have seen the look on his face, it brought tears to my eyes, what a difference for him.
Looking back now, I would much rather have been taught sign language at school thank French as it would have proved more useful.

So much good advice here. My Dad needed his hearing aids to be able to hear anything, so I got used to many of the points above. Background noise was such an issue for him as his aids amplified everything! I love your bit about being deaf, not stupid. So true. I notice people do that to those in wheelchairs or with cerebral palsy and such as well. Different does not equal less.

Lots of useful points. But speech is about bonding as well as exchanging information. If I get asked to repeat myself I may have genuinely forgotten what I just said. It really doesn’t matter. It’s more about sharing time & space with others. Don’t assume such comments are insults. Probably more common than you think.

Reblogged this on Words To Captivate ~ by John Fioravanti and commented:
Hayley Beasley discusses her hearing loss and offers suggestions of practices to implement and to avoid when in the company of a person who is hearing impaired. Please, read on…

I understand, Hayley. My wife, Anne was born with a 75% loss in both ears and that has degenerated to 100% loss in her left ear and 99% loss in her right ear. She never learned sign or went to a special school for the deaf – she wanted to operate and communicate with everyone – so she became a lip reader. Now in our sixties, she finds it harder to lip read due to her eyesight deteriorating with age. The Facetime feature on the iPhone is the only way she can talk on the phone – so email and text messages are vital to her. Thanks for putting this issue to the forefront – it is an important part of being an inclusive community and society.

Your wife sounds like a very special lady. It’s things like this where modern technology really comes into its own and thank goodness for it. Thanks so much for reading, sharing and telling me your story x

Yes, she is special and fights hard for what she wants. She went through the regular school system and graduated with an English degree from the University of Waterloo – without any of the technical assistance available to hearing impaired students today. She wears one of the most powerful hearing aids on the market in her right ear – and that gives her about 10% hearing in that ear. Her inability to use the phone held her back from advancing in the insurance industry until the Internet came along with email capability. Then she was able to advance. In her retirement, she teaches Insurance Degree courses several times throughout the year.

I don’t have any issues hearing, but I still prefer quiet places. I was out for lunch yesterday in a noisy restaurant and kept wishing for some noise-cancelling walls! For the same reason, I don’t like pubs on Fridays and Saturdays. Too much loud music and chatter, I can barely hear myself think.

My high school had a program for deaf students, and I became friends with some of them, so I learned a lot of these things through experience and through watching their struggles. It’s incredible how many people make fun of the way they talk, and how many people treat them like they’re stupid, like you said. It’s very frustrating, and very sad because like many other people with disabilities, they’re just like other people aside from it!!

Great advice, Haley. My hearing is not what it used to be and I find it very difficult to be in noisy environments and I hate it when my husband repeats something loud and slow, like I’m a moron. Your post has made me even more aware of how I can help someone with a hearing loss more sever than mine. Thank you!

This is excellent advice for all of us, regardless of the level of hearing impairment we struggle with. My wife tells me that I don’t listen to her all the time. I’m gonna share this excellent post with her… but I still don’t know if I’m going to be able to hear her telling me to take out the trash while I’m watching reruns of Mad Men;)

A thoughtful and caring post. So many folks simply don’t know how to deal with someone who is hearing impaired. In consequence hurt feelings and misunderstandings abound. This post should assist everyone to further understand.

These are great. Attention, attention, attention! That’s KEY! And yep…I detest phone calls. Horrible reception and the like just sounds like loud banging to me. And when my dogs bark its a sensory nightmare!

Hello Haley. Just thought I’d say hello as I too have a hearing loss. About 10 months ago i lost the hearing in my left ear due to sudden hearing loss…my hearing just disappeared. Since then I have been having issues with tinnitus, sensitivity to sounds, dizziness, pressure in my ears etc…Your post above is so great to help people understand a little about how simple things can really help with communication difficulties. I cannot hear in background noise, and always spend time looking for a suitable table in a restaurant – usually a corner is good for me, and i make my boyfriend sit on my hearing side, practically next to my ear! Also, it drives me crazy if anyone tells me that something they’ve said doesn’t matter! I feel like i have a long way to go with explaining these issues to my friends and family (i don’t want to feel like a burden)…It is only my boyfriend who i have taken time to explain everything I am experiencing to – he wouldn’t dare tell me that something he said ‘doesn’t matter’ 😛
I’m glad I’ve found your blog, and look forward to reading more about your life.
Take care
– Carly

I’ve just been checking out your blog. That’s crazy about suddenly losing your hearing like that! I hope you get some kind of resolution. I get tinnitus, dizziness, pressure in ears too. It’s not fun & so hard to make people understand what it’s like. Thanks so much for stopping by x

Hello. Thank you for reading! I am keen to make connections with anyone who has similar hearing issues to me. I haven’t met anyone who also experiences the pressure in their ears. This, for me, is so uncomfortable, and I hope that one day it will lesson, or that I will get used to it. Any suggestions of ways to cope with hearing loss, pressure etc, are always welcome 🙂
Anyway, take care
– Carly

The pressure thing only started about a year ago, so I’m sorry I don’t have any advice on that. I think that might be where I grind my teeth at night though. Does anti-inflammatories help with the pressure for you?

Hello again. That’s so interesting that you said about your teeth grinding. This is something I’m currently having physiotherapy treatment for, as I really believe the pressure in my ears is related to my problems with jaw caused by teeth grinding. Please let me know if you have any more info on this in the future ..I’ll keep you posted too!
Take care
Carly

A daily battle I have with myself. I’ve got to the point where I now make an effort to tell me I use aids to make them aware and if I ask to repeat it, it’s as I didn’t hear… I sometimes feel that I’m being a bother … but I’m glad it’s just not me… ppl seem to think now I had aids I can hear them regardless.. and I just can’t..

Oh my gosh yes! To so much of this! I am not deaf, I know this because I was struggling so much I had my hearing tested and it’s within normal range.
The moment someone talks over background noise, or two people (god forbid more!) talk over each other, or someone covers their mouth, I am lost. I can’t keep up with conversations in the office, never mind in a pub, and that’s in the normal zone – I really feel for you.

Pregnancy huh? It certainly takes its toll on us! I’ve just recently found out it caused me to develop an autoimmune disease. Fun & games 😐

Pregnancy can properly fuck one up. Sorry to hear about your autoimmune disease (I’m also lucky enough to have one of those too).

Eurgh, also so sorry you struggle with your hearing too. That’s so weird that you’re within normal range. Well, I say that, but a friend of mine also really struggles with her hearing and went for a test and it’s absolutely fine. They’ve suggested that as she lives in a very noisy house (3 kids all under 8) and the noise stresses her out, that her brain is literally shutting her hearing down a bit, so she can cope with all the noise a bit better. I’m not saying this is what’s happening with you at all, but it is strange what our bodies to us sometimes.