WITH THIS ROSE, I THEE BED: BACHELOR PAD (EPISODE 2), BY THE NUMBERS

Ah, a new season of Bachelor Pad. Can you feel it? Can you smell it? Because it feels like a cold sore and it smells like a Turkish bath. By golly, it's swell. And it appeals to all audiences, no matter your race, creed, gender, or sexual orientation. Just half of you have to say you're watching “ironically.” That's fine. Your friends were already exposed to your fine-tuned sense of irony many moons, 1 OkCupid profile, and 5 seasons of The Secret Life of the American Teenager ago. Oh, look at me jumping right ahead to the numbers. I just can't help myself! It's like counting the presents under the tree! (Or so I hear from my less-ironic gentile friends.)

So, by the powers vested in Chris Harrison (spoiler alert: that's ALL the powers), I present to you Bachelor Pad Episode 2, by the numbers:

Number of potential winners: 18

Number of contestants: 19 (it's the kind of math only Bachelor Pad can do)

Dollars on the line: 250,000

Number of twins: 2 (Fake out! Bet you thought I meant pairs of twins. And you said one. And you look stupid because obviously there are 2 twins in a set of twins! HAZAAH!)