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Chicago On The Internet: ‘Mob Wives’

August 16, 2012 3:00 PM

(credit: YouTube/VH1)

(credit: YouTube/VH1)

By Mason Johnson

How is Chicago presented on the Internet? Via mass amounts of research (watching YouTube), Mason Johnson examines Chicago’s Internet presence and answers that very question as if he’s an anthropologist. Except he’s not an anthropologist. He’s an idiot.

A few years ago, reality TV–in all of its horrendous glory–proved something everyone’s always suspected: New Jersey is a wasteland. Thanks to Jersey Shore, all our baseless ramblings about New Jersey were confirmed. We pointed, we laughed, we judged.

Then, like some sort of giant, devastating wheel of fiery karma, New York was besieged by Mob Wives. Loud, intimidating women who sound like Al Pacino and would beat you bloody in a public restaurant without a moment’s hesitation.

Then the same thing happened to Chicago. As if our murder rate and flash mobs weren’t punishment enough, we were plagued with Mob Wives Chicago this year.

What does Mob Wives Chicago say about us? Let’s watch the “supertrailer” and see.

If you made it all the way through that video, you might want to go take a shower before reading the rest of this…

(credit: GABRIEL BOUYS/AFP/Getty Images)

Admittedly, I’m a bit late in the Mob Wives game. I don’t own a TV (don’t feel sorry for me). Regardless! Here are our expert judgements:

Where are all the men? I mean, I get it, most of them are in jail or dead, but there’s gotta be one or two around somewhere. My only conclusion–which I think you’ll agree makes perfect sense–is that these women have adopted the praying mantis behavior of eating their lovers. I suspect that they don’t only eat their physical bodies, but their souls too.

Either that, or men can’t stand to be around them. Is it surprising that the men they know are in prison though? If I were married to one of these women, I’d probably take prison over living with them too.

But these women aren’t without their own unique intelligence. The line, “If they deleted you off their facebook, have a big party,” should be made into a t-shirt. I would get that embroidered on a canvas and hang it above my toilet. Words to live by.

“I would hit him in the head with a shovel,” is less impressive. I don’t believe for one second that she has ever held a shovel in her life.

Be warned: If you invite them over for dinner, don’t use your good china. They will throw it, it will break, don’t say I didn’t warn you.

They fight a lot. There seems to be no reasonable explanation for this. One could garner that it’s for dominance of the group, but that seems too logical for this group of wonderful ladies.

And yet here I am, judging them, these volatile ladies. Could my life possibly be in danger?

(credit: YouTube/VH1)

Probably.

Regardless, what does this say about Chicago? We all know Chicago has a long history of organized crime, from Capone to Dillinger, but is organized crime still a problem, and is Mob Wives Chicago proof that it still exists? Probably not. Especially since it’s a reality show which, more often than not, doesn’t resemble reality at all – especially when you have news posts declaring one of the stars a joke. If you want to know about Chicago organized crime, it’s probably best to avoid reality television and instead ask an expert like, say, the head of Chicago’s FBI office. The mob is here, there’s no doubt about that, but they’re not a bunch of middle aged women throwing glasses at each other in downtown restaurants.

So ladies of Mob Wives Chicago, I only have one thing to say to you: Please don’t hit me on the head with a shovel.