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The Spooky Truth About Spunk: The Low-down on Working in a Porn Store (Part III of III)

We’ve seen some fine examples of low-life pieces of crap thus far, but they can’t be said to compare to this upcoming list of perverts whose twisted, fucked-up inner-selves actually make them dangerous to others.III. Hardcore Customers/Degenerates: The Worst of the Worst.
Take, for instance, the “parent of the year” shopper. We live in a world where some parents are not above bringing their kids to porn stores. Sometimes, it is a mother and her girlfriends trying to bring in a one-year-old in a stroller. Other times, it is a mother with a bit of alcohol on her breath who will leave teens or grade-school kids in the car doing homework and talking, as they unknowingly get closer to meeting a glasses-wearing nerdish man who will knock on the car window and tell them that he “sees their innocence” and fantasizes about exploiting it.

Hell, you could argue that porn stores are doing community service by providing atmospheres where pedophiles and other human garbage can come and be away from schools—that is, if fucked-in-the-head parents don’t ruin that by bringing their kids to these places.

I have no soft spot for unthinking parents. It happens to be a rule that no one is allowed to wait in their cars at porn stores, coming or going. When I find kids outside, I call the parents out: “Will the ‘parent of the year’ who owns a black Chevy Malibu and who brought their teenaged daughter to a porn store please head outside immediately and take your kid off the property before we call the police!” I love embarrassing fucktard parents, the kind that actually deserve visits by Child Protective Services.

But the most dangerous class of porn store junkie is the public crusader class. This broad class is composed of four sub-classes. There is A. the Drunk Crusader, B. the Social Crusader, C. the Exhibitionist Crusader, and D. the Aggressive, Crazed Sex-seeker.

It is not uncommon for porn stores to sell items by announcing in the paper and on websites in ads that porn star “X” is going to be signing copies of her latest DVD, poster, or book at a specific store. If she’s even halfway smart and doesn’t act like a typical “Juice Box” or “Sinammon” as she does on film, she’ll have her own security to coordinate with our store’s security to keep people a certain distance from the sides of the table where the autographs are signed.

If these boundaries are not kept and the porn stars start giving “friendly hugs” to admirers, you can have major incidents of assault or molestation. The aggressive, crazed sex-seeker forgets about boundaries and acts on his impulses. When arrested, they might well say something like: “She’s a whore! She shouldn’t come onto me like that and then turn me away!”

The exhibitionist wants to come out of the rented rooms or the restrooms naked to parade around, perhaps pretending doing so was an accident. They’re so damn unconvincing when caught.

The social crusader loves to talk with other customers, many of whom are uncomfortable with the unwanted come-ons or uninvited small talk from people they don’t know. I don’t know how many times I’ve heard customer complaints for the questions: “Do you do anal?” “Are you into fisting?” “I’m into fingering assholes. How about you?”

As you’d expect, the drunken crusader is a risk due to his inebriated state of mind, in which he seeks some intimate company. Expressly against the rules, he’s ready to prop the door open of his rented room to invite other customers in to stroke him off while he watches his favorite busty blonde pirate movies with what money he has left over after hitting the bars and clubs and striking out with a real girl.

The parking lot loafer is a creepy character, likewise of differing types. They are casual parking lot sex-havers, drug dealers who stop in just to make deals and then split, intoxicated public urinaters, and prostitutes looking for work.

Many a so-called “ordinary couple” I’ve walked up on or spotted in the cameras doing doggie in the back of their Suburban (the same vehicle that took little Colton and Hunter to school the morning before). The drug dealers are gone once you start to approach them, though you may get a “fuck you!” before they haul off. The prostitutes at porn stores tend to be very negotiable before splitting once you turn their offers down. If you accept, on the other hand, it’s off to your place.

You have the unforgettable High-roller Pervos, the kind who want to buy everything in the store, and sometimes things not for sale. Having frequented clubs all night long, they come in drunk and with hot girls paid thousands a night to escort them. These “high clientele” act like they own the place (and they almost do). They also go nuts and get insanely angry when others drop the ball or don’t have what they want…we’re talking red-faced, pop-a-forehead-vein angry.

The last class of pervert is the fecalphiliac vandal.

Some advice: NEVER touch more than you have to in a porn store. The disease-spreading waste of a life known as the fecalphiliac vandal will enter and quietly wipe their dung on the faucets and walls and even drop a load in the soap dispensers. You can see the fingerprint smudges in the waste, no kidding! They are usually quiet and will come back again and again and spend some time in the restroom, but they do tend to spend a decent amount of money at the stores (as though that makes up for it even 1/1000th of a percent!)

Not just the vandalism or theft or shady characters who work there, but the little things in the porn store are disgustingly entertaining, too. For instance, the porn store I worked at went through an expensive supply of restroom sharpie markers to be put on the walls of the women’s and men’s restrooms. Why? Because it’s like all restroom walls in public places—people will write obscenities on the walls.

So the porn store owners got to thinking that since money is going to have to be spent on paint and keeping the walls and surfaces clean, why not try and curb it by letting the sickos advertise and otherwise ask for naughty favors on marker boards that are intermittently replaced? Works like a dream, even though the company spent about $25 a week on new sharpie pens—no doubt half of them were stolen while the other half were thrown away after being used as prostate stimulators.

A single day’s business would bring stuff filling the boards like this…

“Need to be fucked and sucked and treated like a man bitch. Trannies welcome.”

“Need a whore to whip. Will do skanks. Pass code ‘Sally is here.’ Call after six.”

“I will rim you like you never know before. U will be satisfied guarantee. Hairy dudes ok.”

Funny as it is disgusting.

The eye candy is so fantastic, the porn titles so cheesy and funny. But even more fantastic are the reactions when angry customers swear that they won’t ever come back after bitching about a grievance. It never happens. They always come back, like the time a very loyal customer who spent about $150 a night on dildos and gay porn brought back a 10-inch, used vibrator and laid it on the counter uncovered, with bits of excrement still streaked on it. When we wouldn’t take it back, he told us we’d never see him again. But he was there the next night. He bought 3 more of his favorite toys. You better believe it.

Ah, the porn store! Nearly every fetish is catered to. How can it not be so fun? Well, the fun wears off. It wears off first because it’s work, but second because of a boundaries issue; give the masses a little and they’ll take a lot; give them a release and the floodgates will be hard to close; change the rules just a tad, and suddenly, few have any idea of how to act or how to restrain themselves.

If you want to describe the struggle of intelligent humanity with sexuality, it is the old struggle of safety vs. risk, as we’ve bounced back and forth trying to find a happy medium between them. And we’re not done. We’re still learning not to be afraid of our highly variant forms of sexuality, but we’re also still learning about the dark sides of the same. It happens to be the case that the most negatively primal forces stick together, which reinforces the conclusion that we’re not happy with nature alone. The natural order can be as ugly as any unnatural evil ever founded.

We want something better, but we still want our old-fashioned, tree-swinging liberty. The religious call revel-worthy sexual freedom debauchery and evil. And now, to let it sink in that the desires behind the struggle to manage our liberty are not evil, I present to you this unfortunately censored video of bonobos having sex...normal sex, gay sex, group sex, and oral sex. Enjoy.

Comments

I like to think that I have a healthy outlook on sex. I don't care what consenting people do. I'm sure in the eyes of some I'd be a deviant. A woman with a healthy sex drive that is adventurous is frowned upon by many. Uppity girl and all. However, after reading your stories I felt like I needed a shower. I'd probably enjoy a night or two of working in a venue like that for some hands-on anthropology, but if I stayed too long I'd find myself turning back to my misanthropic ways. I find humanity endlessly interesting, but ultimately disappointing.

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