Jean Shinoda Bolenís groundbreaking early work, most notably Goddesses in Everywoman, helped a generation of women realize their potential and their value. Half a million copies later the book still affects the lives of women.

In her latest book, Crones Donít Whine, Bolenís playful sense of humor and keen insight combine to offer women thirteen qualities to cultivate. Engage in these small practices and youíre bound to be a happier person, whoís doing her bit to make the world a better place.

"These qualities are not cultivated overnight," Bolen writes. Crone years are "growing" years, when women can devote their time, energy, and creativity to what really matters to them. Bolen offers us a blueprint: Crones donít whine; theyíre juicy and they trust their own instincts. Meditating, not groveling, and choosing the path with heart, crones are fierce about what matters to them. They speak the truth with compassion. They listen to their bodies, reinvent themselves, and savor the good in their lives.

Thirteen brief essays to turn to again and again, in bad times and good, alone and with others, because "Crones Together Can Change the World" as Bolen points out in an inspirational, call-to-arms bonus essay. This, along with Jeanís personal musings and a rallying call to men to become crones as well, complete Crones Donít Whine.

October 2003

Excerpt:

Chapter 1
Crones Donít Whine

TO BE A CRONE, you need to let go of what should have been, could have been, might have been. You need to silence the whining in your head that will come out of your mouth next. Whining makes you unable to live in the present, or be good company for anyoneóeven yourself. Whiners assume they were and are entitled to a different life from the one they have. Whiners do not see that everyone has had a share of the bad things that happen to people. Ungrateful for what they do have, whiners cannot enjoy the present.

Juicy Older Woman Rule #1.
Crones donít whine.

What was, was. What is, is. Plain and simple. You may have gotten the idea that you were supposed to marry and live happily ever after, have had perfect children, and (since the Womenís Movement) also have had the perfect career. And here you are. Whatever happened or didnít happen before now is what was. You canít live it over. The past is the past. Menopause marks the end of the childbearing years. This and other realities are what is.

Grief is not whining. Even whimpering is not whining. Maybe some body part is not working well or is painfulóand you are doing what can be done, medically and otherwise. You may have financial limitations. Whatever it is that you are struggling with can be told to people who need to know, want to know, or as updates to friends with whom you share the ongoing story of your life.

However, crones donít bore others with a litany of their symptomsóorgan recitals or tales of woeóthat have an air of performance or bragging. A crone knows she and her troubles are not the center of the universe and knows other people have problems, too. A crone doesnít indulge whining children, or whining inner children. Especially her own.

A whining child is a wheedling one: she wants something that is not going to be freely given. What she wants may not be good for her (whatever it is that the whining child in the supermarket wants her tired mother to buy for her, for example).When she gets it, satisfaction is fleeting. It was another small act of extortion and appeasement.

Older women who are not crones might not whine and wheedle outright or tug on you physically like a child in the market. But emotional extortion and appeasement, fleeting satisfactions, and general unhappiness are the same pervasive patterns. The tugs are emotional ones: need, entitlement, suffering, justification, a tone and energy conveyed and felt through the voice. Conversations with a whiner are depleting. Other people feel trapped and respond insincerely, stay away, and feel guilty.

Change begins with insight. If you recognize yourself in this description or are considering the possibility it may fit, you can do so in the privacy of your mind. An honest appraisal is not an accusation; it is a working diagnosis, a starting point to help you with unhappiness. Are you feeling sorry for yourself? Have you fallen into a state of "poor me" resentment? Have you lost your sense of proportion? If so, what might be your equivalent of, "I cried because I had no shoes, and then I met a man who had no feet"?

As we grow older, especially if we are outer-directed, it is not difficult to find more and more to whine about. This poses a risk of a negative transformation into the archetypal martyr-mother (a woman who is one now, was not always so, after all). With perspective, humor, and wisdom, however, the potential to whine that is in us all when we might want other than what we have, doesnít take us over.

My friend Jananne, who heard me say that "crones donít whine," laughingly told me how she resisted the temptation to call me up and whine when confronted with the daunting task of unpacking and beginning a new life. Instead, she play-acted an exaggerated version of her whiner, with just herself as the audience, and then kept on with what had to be done. This is the same friend who caught me complaining and made up a song, "piss and moan and bitch, piss and moan and bitch, piss and moan and bitch and groan" to the tune of the folk dance, "Put your little foot, put your little foot, put your little foot right down. . ."

One whining variation is expressed as acerbic wit or sarcasm directed toward a person (often an "ex") or an institution. At first, it seems very different from outright whining and then the similarities begin to show. The past is continually injected into conversations in this way. Friends try to change the subject when they can, preferring not to be a captive audience to the latest insight or outrage. Like the outright whiner, she is not able to let go of what was or accept what is.

Some whiners lie awake at night, going through reruns of past incidents in which they felt poorly treated. This can become a time to wrestle with letting the matter go, if only to get some sleep. If such is the case, there is something you can do until you fall asleep. It will also be a means to hear the crone. Just breathe slowly and pay attention to your breath. Listen to words the crone would say to you (as you say or think them to yourself) and then listen to what she says about herself.

Breathe in. That was then.

Breathe out. This is now.

Breathe in. I am.

Breathe out. Peace.

The inner crone has an observing eye and sensitive ear. Once you know her, she will catch you whining or feeling sorry for yourself. Once caught, the jig is up; whining is conduct unbecoming a crone.