Thursday, June 6, 2013

novice mistakes, 11 weeks, 6 days

First, thank you to all of you for your
incredibly kind and thoughtful words and cheerleading on my last post. Celebrating this
pregnancy – instead of, you know, persisting in a state of completely
paralyzing anxiety – has at times been challenging. But if my laugh-crying is
any indication, I’m getting there. Mostly though, just thank you. I know that
many of you are still deep in the infertility struggle, so the kind words mean
even more. And now, on to the funny!

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I’m no
expert. In fact, the act of simply writing this – as if I even sort of know what I’m talking about – is
bound to induce the M word or some other parade of horribles. But because I am completely
unhingedcalm, cool, and TOTALLY
CONFIDENT, I press on.

So.
Here is a totally non-exhaustive list of completely random things that I did do, and that you should not do, under any circumstances, during
the first trimester of pregnancy. I hope you can learn from my novice mistakes:

1. Riding a ferry

Seriously,
what are you, some kind of deranged masochist? We all know that non-drowsy
children’s Dramamine is a joke.

2. Interviewing for a new job

No
matter that you’re wearing tightly-cinched-at-the-wrists long sleeves under
your suit jacket in 85-degree weather and look like some iteration of a clinically
insane prairie wife. One wrong move could reveal your wrist-bound SeaBands –
literally the only thing standing between you and projectile vomiting. Sure,
whatever, you know they can’t nix you for being pregnant – hello lawsuit – but you also know that would never be the stated reason.

3. Being present – or anywhere within
smelling distance (which, when you’re in your first trimester, is, approximately, 18 miles) – when someone
is eating marrow[1]

I
don’t even know what to say about this one. Just writing it out so disgusts me
that I can hardly continue. It may be true that prior to being pregnant, your
partner has never, ever, eaten bone
marrow. But the first trimester may, inexplicably, find you at a series of pretentious-hipster
restaurants where bone marrow is somehow featured prominently on the menu as
a kind of appalling “appetizer”. And your beloved partner, or one of your
dear, dear friends, will say something convincing like, I mean, seriously, WHEN are we ever going to have THIS again? To
which the only appropriate response swill inevitably be – NEVER! LET’S EAT IT RIGHT
NOW! LET’S ORDER TWO!<everyone
breaks into frenzied and delirious excitement>. If you find yourself in this
situation, I implore you. Intervene! Provide a reasoned analysis. Namely, there will be other times to eat adventurously.
Like, you know, any time, whatsoever,
when you are not pregnant. Like, literally, ANY FUCKING TIME THAT IS NOT RIGHT
NOW.

4. Fiendishly consuming an entire bag of
sour gummy peaches under the auspices of a legitimate sour candy craving that
must be sated IMMEDIATELY

Purely
hypothetically speaking, you may find yourself, in an aisle of a northern
California Walgreens, as your partner, in his most soothing, understanding, but
secretly terrified voice, tries to bring you down off the ledge of mass corn syrup
consumption. In an escalating series of let’s face it, pained exclamations “whispers”
you will assure him that you know exactly what you are doing, despite his
desperate entreaties to PLEASE EXERCISE EXTREME CAUTION since, really, you
haven’t had anything but oatmeal and pasta for days. No matter. You press on,
defiant. Of course, as everyone knew it would, it all ends in four words:
EXCRUCIATING HEARTBURN FOR DAYS.

[1] I know what you’re thinking. Marrow? You can’t be serious. It’s
disgusting, it suggests I only dine in the
lavish castles of medieval kings, etc. But here I am, subjecting you, loyal reader,
to it’s very being. SO. Without further adieu, I invite you to replace marrow
with “anything remotely adventurous that has a pungent odor and looks like the
inside of your elbow.” There. That’s better.

I know, I know. But since getting pregnant, chocolate has totally grossed me out. Anyway, the pink Starbursts and sour gummy peaches were it - you'll be happy to know that I've graduated to ravenous fruit cravings. Lots of peaches, mangos and apples over here!

Re #2: They may not state your pregnancy as a cause for rejection, however your dress may have led them to be concerned that you were a polygamist straight off the compound. And that your husband and sister wives would be pissed that you were applying for a big city job. And then they'd come and make a scene during a deposition or something. It is ignorant, intolerant and possibly true.

Girl, the marrow is unavoidable these days... at least your partner didn't decide to do this weird trendy thing where you pour alcohol into a carved bone, then set it on fire or something, and then slurp it all back like he's doing a Jager bomb. SICK!

Also, sour candy cravings are TOTALLY LEGITIMATE. I ate like a million sour keys during my first trimester and when my hubby chastised me for making the baby stupider, I said crazy things about how I'd prefer to be married to the sour keys.

I will try to heed this advice if I ever become pregnant... especially the bone marrow one! lol

Hope your job interview went well! I have spent so much time worrying that I shouldn't apply for jobs while I'm TTC, but I've decided that I should just go for it because who knows when that could happen.

We must be on the same wavelength - was just working on a little rant about pregnancy and applying for jobs. Anyway, for me the job thing was the same as taking an adventurous vacation - I was putting it off for fear that it would come at the wrong time, that it would interfere with infertility treatments and crazy cycling. At the end of the day, I just went for it. Having been nauseated for most of an incredible backpacking trip, I can say, without hesitation, it was worth it!

marrow? i like pretentious hipster restaurants as much as the next person, but the idea of marrow is so overwhelmingly unappealing to me. when in Ecuador my vegetarian husband decided to when-in-Rome it and eat yaguarlocro (blood and potato soup). the blood is dried (?) and then fried. ugh.