From deep within the catacombs of the Batcave, Bruce Way...I mean Batman writes about his neverending quest to remove the cancer of evil from Gotham.

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

It seems that I have been “flamed” by Kon El (aka Superboy). To the right is a photo I found of the younger El. Looks like he's stopped wearing that mullet, finally. The image was hard to obtain as a Google image search of Kol El required me to wade through masses of "fan art".

Kon you will be happy to know that most of these were homoerotic images.

I personally had no idea that you swung that way but I wish you luck in your alternate lifestyle.

Your obvious comeback is to insult my relationship with Robin. So let’s get it out in the open: I can’t stand him. Goddamn little know-it-all punk! Always trying to show me up!

My only love is the city of Gotham......and occasionally Catwoman. But not Halle Berry, she’s gross. I prefer the Lee Meriwether version or maybe the Salma Hayek version (which only exists in my dreams). She’s a sweet piece of tail (ho ho).

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Monday, November 07, 2005

Weird internet happenings Bat-blog-buddies. I was put onto this website by a close acquaintance, who I will call Al. No that’s too easy…let’s call him…Fred. The comics are on the “weird” side to say the least. Sometimes I wonder what Al Fred has been doing on the net.

On the site I found this comic:(Note: This is only the first half; follow this link to read the whole thing)

It’s like they took my life and put it into a comic strip.

ps: for those who care, Ra's Al Ghul was just preparing a written press statement through his publicist (who is also Tom Cruise's sister)

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

So I’m blogging today from the steppes ofMongolia. Let’s just say the internet of Mongolia is not as good as the internet in downtown Gotham. I’m once again on the trail of that Lover of Lazarus Pits: Ra’s al Ghul.

He’s up to some nonsense or other after he finally saw Batman Begins on DVD. All I got was a intercepted email communication that said:

“…going to sort some of this s*it out”

I figured that he must be up to no good so it was the first bat-plane to central Asia.

I want to thank everyone who helped on that riddle*. It was in the old jar factory by the docks. Unfortunately the Batmobile was getting its regular service and by the time I ran down there a few places around Gotham had been lasered. Oops.

* to the person who suggested "the Daily Planet Building", are you in cahouts with the Riddler?

I have been alerted to a crisis on infinite earths by Batblog buddy Bip (thanks Bip). Well maybe not “infinite” but at least four or so earths.

Green Arrow, the Flash and even Robin have all disappeared from the blogosphere! In the alternate universe called “Marvel” the mutants have been falling as well. Tony Stark (who was just “outed”), Sue Richards (Invisible Woman played by Jessica Alba in the poor movie adaptation), Dr Henry McCoy and criminal Madeline Pryor have all met with similar fates.

These meta-human-blogs now stand silent, their final words echoing endlessly in the void of the internet…

Flash

Hey guys, whadya think of my new banner?...

Beast (McCoy)

Research calls - as does Will & Grace. I must admit that I'm a fan. The ensemble cast are brilliant!...

Pryor

I'm sending this holy pain in the ass back to limbo first thing in the morning…

Sunday, October 16, 2005

What’s with the angry people? Even the spammers are nice (considering all the shit they get for being evil bastards). It’s bad enough with all the violence in the world without people getting all pissy on the internet. Don’t like my blog? Then move on to the next one retard.

But you know what? I’m Batman, motherfucker, and I don’t need this shit from random blog readers. Alfred had to dig a broken knife tip out of my shoulder this morning (maybe it was yours, anonymous comment-leaver) and Mr fucking Freeze managed to get away after he set an apartment building on fire (yeah I know I wasn’t expecting it either).

As a vigilante I am allowed four uncontrollable fits of rage where I can beat someone to the brink of death, per year. So just fucking watch it! Oh and I turned on the anti-comment-spammers option. Take THAT evil-doers!

With “Angry Batman” all stowed away following his rant, “Cheerful Batman” will take over.

Hooray for the Steelers! Because of their black and yellow colour scheme Batman is a fan of the Steel Curtain. I also follow the New Orleans Saints (even more so this season), but they don’t have a running back called “the Bus” (not that Deuce McCallister isn’t cool).

Like I mentioned above Mr Freeze was up to no good the other day. It was his usual brand of diamond heist: Freeze a few people; snatch the stones; make some kind of “super freeze ray” to take over Gotham. Yawn. So I swung in for the take-down and just when I was expecting a pithy one-liner and his freeze-gun, out comes a flame thrower!

As a vigilante superhero you have to be ready for anything, but come on! He’s not called Mr Flame. Turned out later that he had mugged Firefly for the flame-gun. I had to rescue all of these people from a building the Freeze managed to torch (that was also when I got knifed by an over zealous henchman).

Sunday, October 09, 2005

Wooooooo-oooooo-oo-o

What a party! I must have been out of it for weeks. Man last thing I remember was this redhead wearing…I dunno some kind of “plant dress” thing…offering to buy me a drink. So I was all like “sure” and that’s the last thing I can recall.

Robin said he found me by the river with a stupid grin all over my face and my wallet empty. Lucky I had all my Bat-stuff in my other pants.

See it was one of those gala fundraisers that I have to go to and get liquored up to maintain my appearance as a billionaire playboy… shit! Um…sorry that should say “Brazilian playboy”, that’s right my secret identity is Brazilian. (He he he, suckers).

Robin’s been going to all the local haunts to try and find out stuff about this “plant woman”. I have been drinking raw eggs blended with B-vitamins. Yes it does taste that gross.

So while Robin’s out and about I though I’d stop the old blog and see what was happening…

Vegeta came by and said:

I'm In the Batcave now let's glue some nipples onto all your costumes Muwhahhhaaaaa! Now let's see what's on your computer ok what's with all the pictures of Supergirl in compromising positions

Oh grow up Vegeta. And those pictures are not for other people to know about.

Well, I have to say, it's certainly about time. I was wondering when you'd post again. I was getting worried ^_^.

TTYL ^_^

First I’m worried because people have been reading this regularly and I have been so damn lax. Secondly, the always welcome, Bluelily18 included some strange code: “TTYL ^_^”. My Bat-computer can’t figure it out. It seems I have another nemesis who sends me crazy codes.

Finally 122272 came past and told me that:

[My blog will] be in a totally different area than yours (mine is about penis enlargement reviews) I know, it sounds strange, but it's like anything, once you learn more about it, it's pretty cool. It's mostly about penis enlargement reviews related articles and subjects.

Penis enlargement is cool? People review penis enlargements? What is a penis enlargement-related subject? Yes that will be in completely different area to my blog which has, to this point, yet to mention or review penis enlargement. [God forbid this guy becomes one of my nemeses].

I am so sorry that I have had so much down time bat-fans, but I’m back now and criminals had better……

I swear to god I am going to go over to Arkham and review their locks!

I laugh at all the criminals who are now complaining about petrol for their get-away cars. Ha! As I mentioned before I drive a converted (or pimped) Toyota Prius. As such fuel shortages do not worry this Dark Knight.

I have been doing some research. If my calculations are correct then the Steelers are looking good to take AFC. I have pre-ordered my new jersey and it should be here soon. Here is a crude artist’s impression. Very, very crude.

Well that killed ten minutes of “downtime between robberies and murders here in Gotham. So long and keep your nose clean!

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

No I’m not being sour. I can handle being knocked out of the top spot by Spielberg (not you Cruise, I’m watching you…freak). But a cheap version of a cheap comic! Pffff.

Hey who busted up a drug ring on the other day? That’s right me! Straight back from San diego and I busted in there threw a few batarangs around (I didn’t even need to throw, I just thought “what the hell”), it was great fun.

Why was I in San Diego? You are at a blog written by Batman and you don’t know? I go every year. I put on my costume and walk around am no one even notices. Just be safe I pad the suit with a couple of pillows (and sometimes I put on a fake goatee). I buy a few items but mainly go for the autographs.

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

I finally caught a screening of the latest flick about my life “Batman Begins”. As mentioned the other day I am already rolling in royalty-money so I knew it had to be at least OK.

It was awesome! David S. Goyer you are the greatest writer since…I don’t know anyone else who has adapted a decent comic? Who wrote Blade? Oh, you did. Well that’s it then, you are the greatest. You are without precedent. You are the Muhammad Ali of comic book screenwriting.

But I have to warn the casual viewer about a few things, the aforementioned liberties.

While it is nice to believe that I am, in fact, playboy millionaire Bruce Wayne; that is just a fanciful theory. Wayne has been seen at the same galas and parties that I have had to rescue from the clutches of countless villains. Not to mention all the times I have saved Wayne from kidnapping.

Sure the death of his parents would give him motive, thinking about them everyday, wishing that he could have saved them, living in the empty shell of his life, trying to fill that space with justice by saving the people of Gotham, night after night watching what his parents strived to…

Um, anyway I’m not Bruce Wayne, end of story.

Also my first car was a (short-lived) second-hand Honda Civic that I painted black with house paint.

I was wrong to say that this movie had nothing to do with Joel Schumacher’s hideous versions. Chris Nolan inserted a veiled homage to Schumacher with the subtle, yet distracting, addition of Katie Holmes’ nipples. Those who say that they didn’t notice them are lying.

This is the coolest Batmobile yet. It is much, much, much cooler than the last two cars from the “nipple-flicks” and also much cooler than my Bat-Honda.

I wasn’t sure if I liked it at first, but I am so sure now. Apparently they made these as real cars and they can do everything that you see in the film. So I may have to make an offer on one.

For those of you who are wondering, I currently drive a converted Toyota Prius (you do NOT want to run out of gas when chasing criminals). And The White Stripes, Get Behind Me Satan is currently in the stereo.

Monday, June 20, 2005

Like I’m going to tell you! I’m Batman fer Chrissake! Oh, I’ve been staking out the mob-house down on the pier. Jeez, guys.

That stuff about the mob-house was a joke by the way. All mobsters down at the pier you are not currently under surveillance. Or are you? No, you’re not.

Or are you? No. I’m just messing with ya.

But seriously, stay outa trouble.

So imagine me, “the” Batman. Stern, dark, shadowy haunting the nightmares of the criminal underworld. Now imagine me grinning from ear to ear like the Joker, holding wads and wads of cash (which I may swim around in later) after this weekend’s takings of the new Batman movie.

Adrian kindly wrote and said: “Batman Begins is the best comic-book based movie ever made. In my opinion. Unless the sequels are better!”

Thank you Adrian. The bat-team here enjoys feedback.

I believe that with the line “Unless the sequels are better!” Adrian is implying that the sequels ARE better. But the sequels haven’t been made yet, unless Adrian is talking about the J. Schumacher “nipple-flicks”, Batman and Robin and Batman Forever, in which case Adrian is crazy (or Adrian is a pseudonym of J. Schumacher).

This can mean ONLY one thing. Adrian is some kind of time traveller! Trust me I’m the world’s greatest detective.

I personally have yet to see the new film, but I am told by Bat-friends (and some people I shook down for evidence) that it is a “visually stunning piece of film noir”.

Thursday, June 02, 2005

It's been some time hasn't it. I'm gonna pull out the old "I've had a cold" line that every blogger uses when they've been absent.

Actually I've been discussing with my lawyers about the merchandising rights for the new Batman film. With my completely non-biased opinion I suggest you go and see it. Many, many times...with lots of friends, or at least lots of people (if you have no friends).

I would like to apologise to Walter. I'm sorry Walter, we couldn't get an answer to your cartoon book question. I suggest going to a comic store and asking the sweatiest, greasiest, most rotund person there (failing that the goth-looking stick figure who is also greasy and will sniff at your question in disgust) and ask them...they'll know.

The other day, to change the subject, Robin and I went out for a Sprite as our secret identities, (no I will not tell what they are Riddler, stop emailing!).When I went to pay for them my card declined (I knew satellite TV in the Batmobile would put me over the limit).

Well it had been a long day and a stupid shouted at the clerk: "Don't mess with me pal, I'm Batman!".

The Clerk was like: "Dude, you so are!"

I was madly motioning for Robin to get the memory gas. Sometimes I wish I could just SMASH stuff up like the Hulk. (If the Hulk can get his haircut at a normal barbershop, then why doesn't it come off when he's fighting badies?)

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

I may be the World’s Greatest Detective, but even I cannot help young Walter.

If anyone knows, you will!There was a moment in JLA history where someone with great powers took you all into the turbulent mind of a child, who could be seen in the middle of a swirling chaos in his own mind... who turned out to be the Joker.What WAS this a part of? I have a feeling it was "Tower Of Babel" but I can't find it!Help, Batty!

Perhaps you can help dear reader?

My memory of events tends to get clouded given the numerous moments the timeline is changed.

I’m fairly sure that Tower of Babel is the one where I get kicked out of the JLA (don’t think I’ll forget a thing like that Aquaman!). But I don’t know if I remember being stuck in the mind of a child. That happened to Robin and the Young Justice crew a few years back though. He said something about Impulse (Kid Flash) beating the Joker in there.

Ps. Walter’s previous comment was:

Ah, nipples.I remember them well.

So we all know where Walter’s priorities lie (in terms of remembering stuff at least).

Monday, May 16, 2005

So the headline read: Major crime busted up by the “Batman”

Wanna hear how it went down? Mr Freeze was trying to steal the world’s oldest diamond from the Gotham Museum of Natural History. He had frozen everything, including the guards, with his freeze ray thingy. Somehow he had modified his armour so that he didn’t need his helmet anymore.

Robin and I smashed in through the skylight and then surfed down the backs of two dinosaur sculptures that happened to be in the same exhibition hall. Freeze’s thugs were dressed as hockey players (no irony there) but luckily we had our bat-ice-skate-boots on. We wasted the thugs but Freeze zapped Robin after yelling out “You’re not taking me to the cooler” in a barely comprehensible accent. I really should have seen that coming and just punched him (or whacked him a bat-a-rang or something) the second he started to speak.

It’s like that bit from Steve Zissou: “You never say, ‘I'm gonna fight you, Steve.’ You just smile and act natural, and then you sucker-punch.”

That was awesome. Shame it was Mr Freeze though because the nipples on my bat-suit hardened up like you wouldn’t believe.

Yeah I’m just yanking your chain. Here’s what really happened.

A bunch of guys botched a bank raid and had a bunch of hostages. I told the police to wait until it was dark (which only took an hour). I threw some smoke bombs around, used infrared goggles (not even bat-goggles) to find the guys and take them out methodically one by one. After they realised that it was me a couple bolted for the door but Batgirl got one and Robin got the other. Nice and clean.

No theatrics, no one-liners, and no nipples showing (at least I didn’t see any).

Playing on the Bat-Stereo: Fly My Pretties (a band from New Zealand I was alerted to by a batblog reader)

So, back in Bludhaven again. Had to pick up my Welcome Back Kotter DVDs that arrived at the apartment from Amazon.com. And my mail was piling up. Actually if you're reading this Oracle (who am I kidding? Of course you are) could you do a search and take me off the 100 or so mailing lists I seem to be on? I have no idea how I got signed up to Martha Stewart's Female Hygeine Monthly. Maybe I should have a little one on one with Robin next time I'm in Gotham.

Nightwing, dark hunter of the night, is currently listening to and enjoying Employment by the Kaiser Chiefs.

Sunday, May 08, 2005

>>Oh my God, I just went to see H2G2G (that’s Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy). It is so flashy and cool effects. I recommend it to anyone who doesn’t mind a classic work being tampered with. If you are one of the people who complained about Tom Bombadil in LOTR then stay away.

>> H2G2G is just a speed bump however. Star Wars III is coming!!! The trailer looks good, the reviews are good, and everything else looks great!

>>And Narnia as well!! Oh, I am so excited.

>>Apparently there’s another Batman movie coming out too. I went off those after the “Alicia Incident” (thank god no nipples on her suit!).

>>In Gotham news: Robin did some stuff with Batgirl over at Arkham; Nightwing has gone back to Bloodhaven (Blūdhaven?) to catch up on some “stuff”; and the Big B is out of town with some international terrorism dealy with Vandal Savage. Actual crime has been pretty low. Batgirl been taking care of all the gang stuff anf Robins been beating on the odd thug but the GCPD seems to have most of it under control.

>>Do you guys have the Hullaing Jesus Widget (actually Hula Girl with Jesus as an option) for Mac OS X yet? You have got to get it. Hours of fun!!!

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

The other day, after a tip from Oracle, Nightwing and I put aside our differences and went and busted up Killer Croc. The tip-off told us where he was hiding, a newish apartment down by the river. It was quite nice, a lot of room, balcony, and a ledge, outside the windows, that is perfect for lurking on; I really like these old warehouses that have been changed into yuppie apartments (I may have to invest in some).

You always want to take Croc by surprise, so we observed him through the French doors. Croc was sitting on his couch wearing a Minnesota Vikings hat, a Jervon Kearse Titans jersey and pants (thank god). His new plasma TV was showing the NFL draft on ESPN. I always thought Croc was a Saints fan.

Croc reached for some nachos and spilled greasy cheese down the front of his jersey. He roared in anger and NW and I decided it was time to break this up.

Croc looked genuinely surprised to see us. A “biff” and a “pow” later and he lay unconscious on the floor. We decide that this set-up was too good to waste and grabbed a handful of nachos and watched Aaron Rogers finally be selected by the Packers. I prefer the Bears; they have a gritty determination that appeals to me.

Anyway, three games of Madden later (Patriots 2: Bears 1, I hate the Pats), Croc started stirring; we decided that instead of having to carry him ALL the way to Arkham we would just leave him with a warning.

Last night it was actually really quiet. In fact nothing happened. I love those nights because I can swing around or drive the Bat-Mobile really fast down the highways.

Just for laughs I went down to one of the dives near the docks and shook down some guys. You got to keep the criminals cowardly and superstitious. Then I went home and mucked about on the internet. I replied to Superman’s TWENTY emails about the agenda for the next JLA meeting, (Christ on a stick! Who cares if the paper is doubled sided or not!).

Oh and I see that Oracle has put up a post. Batgirl is still quiet but that’s her thing I ‘spose.

Monday, April 25, 2005

Loading…

>>Preparing for communication from Oracle…<< >>God, Batman and Nightwing have been arguing since last weekend. At one point Nightwing was yelling “I didn’t ask to be born!” (What does that even mean?) I just wanted them to ctrl+alt+shut-up (*lol*).

>>Any how, just when it was about to come to a head I threw them a distress signal about Killer Croc. KC wasn’t up to anything; I just couldn’t stand them fighting each other. They teamed up and bust Killer-Croc-head and now the house is peaceful again (for a while at least).

>>The big Bat has invited all of us to post on his “Blog of the bat”. I was the one who put him up to this so I thought I should help out. I am more than just a computer generated face you know.

>>I’ll post some more after I read what they guys are saying over at Slashdot.

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

Alfred and I get back from the A-city to find my cave is a mess. There’s beer cans everywhere! Someone (probably Robin) has been downloading Destiny’s Child and Kelly Clarkson MP3s onto the Bat-computer and Bat-iPod.

Also there are twinkie wrappers and half drunken bottles of coke under the seats in the Bat-mobile (which no one was allowed to drive). And someone has replaced my new Beck CD with Avril Lavigne in the Bat-Stereo.

Why does Batgirl have a big bruise on her forehead? You know Oracle is going to tell me everything so you may as well confess right now. And it doesn’t take the “World’s Greatest Detective” to know who put chocolate fingerprints all over my bat-suits.

Also Nightwing, I will speak to you later about certain “images” I found in the Bat-computer under a file called “Dick’s Stuff Keep Out”.

Hi, Nightwing here. Bru- I mean Batman's away at the moment attending a monofilament convention in Alantic City. While he's away I'm looking after the kids. Batgirl is causing me grief. I don't think she can see through her costume: I had to watch her walk into a lamp post today.

Is it too much to ask that there be at least one barrista in Gotham who can brew me a cup of java without burning the coffee? And what's with this frothy muck on every damn cup of coffee? If I wanted froth I'd hang a bowl under a dog's mouth. I sure as hell don't want it in my cup of joe.

So last night I get this “cryptic” message given to me by James Gordon. It had been thrown through the GCPD window attached to a big green question mark. (I wonder who it could be? Killer Croc?)

The message followed the old formula: "when is a something like a something else?". This time it read:

“When is 14a Stoutmire St like my secret headquarters?”

Christ Gordon! Do I have to do all the work?

Robin, bless him, was still trying to make out like it was hard. He was all like “Hmmm, maybe we should put it through the bat-computer” And even when the computer spat out “WTF!?” Robin was still saying things like “Maybe it’s a trap”.

It SO wasn’t a trap.

Seriously though, how much is the Riddler paying his goons to dress up in bright green tuxedos?

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

Stuffo, the “entertainment” arm of HowStuffWorks.com–a website often visited here at the Batcave–has outed me and a handful of other do-gooders. If we are to keep fighting the good fight we can’t have some “vigilante” website going around telling people who we are!!! For Pete’s Sake!

Still, Spiderman, whoa! 28 people know your secret identity? Yeah, I know I have revealed myself to 43 people…sorry, that should be 43 people know I’m Bruce Way…let me start again, a lot of people think they know who I am. But I’m going to cut that number down with some memory gas in the next few weeks though.

I think the Joker has been tampering with my word-processor. There are green lines everywhere. They tell me “Sentence Fragment”, yet this confuses me because “Sentence Fragment” is itself a sentence fragment. Confound you Joker!

You see this is what makes me THE Batman and other people merely superman or aquaman. I don’t sell out! You don’t see me schmoozing with big celebrities like SOME people. See I’m all subversive and underground culture and internet stuff. Some big shots just don’t understand that you can wear the mask AND be cool.

At this point I’d like every one to forget the work of Joel “nipples” Schumacher. When they signed me as creative consultant I didn’t know that the director would be hitting on me the whole time. I just sleep gassed him every time it got too awkward though, perhaps I gassed him one too many times.

Of course I don’t want anyone to forget the Bat-toosie which gained pop-icon status when the lovely Uma Thurman danced it in Pulp Fiction. Yeah, she was Poison Ivy in that terrible Nipples-made movie but you can’t hold that against her, look at Kill Bill.

I loved that movie (both Vol.1 and 2), although I probably would have stopped her from actually killing Bill or anyone else for that matter. Like Catwoman, I could make her see the error in her ways, and after a short stay in Arkham, she could be rehabilitated into society. Sigh…

I’m going to watch DVDs on the Bat-Xbox now.

Keep safeThe Batman

ps. no, I am not jealous of Superman!pps. Big bat-shoutout to Dark Magician 25 for never giving up. You see Jason, the Dark Magic was inside you all along...

Monday, April 11, 2005

I have decided to use the enormous power of my bat-computer to do more than just unravel the evil schemes of my many nemeses. With my new high-speed internet connection and a Blogger account (thanks Oracle) I can take the fight for good to the information super-highway.

I hope that with this blog I can show more of my human side. I have always maintained that criminals are a cowardly superstitious lot but that means it’s just that much harder to communicate with them. Sometimes I think that maybe I should just get rid of the cowl and the cape and talk to them one on one, really show who I am and maybe that will change.

But then I realise it is so much cooler being all angsty and hiding in the shadows and such.

Ah, my MS Outlook mail system has informed me that another crime has occurred. I will return… (sssssshhhhooshhhh)…oh, smoke bombs don’t have the same effect on the internet as they do in abandoned warehouses.