Sassygrrl32

As I’ve pondered this issue for over a decade and am still at a loss as to why I haven’t met any truly good men(I take that back, I’ve met a few but it didn’t work out) who want to stick around for marriage and commitment I get a refreshing new look that it all boils down to economics and partly feminism. You can read the articles here: The Economics Of Sex: Why Are There No Good Men Left? and The Pros And Cons Of Feminism.

I can by no means disagree with the author. So the economical structure of society is the reason I and many other women like me have not and probably will not meet a good man for marriage. From this economic standpoint the price of sex, dictated by women, is at an all time low. Sadly, our society has put such a low figure on sex that marriage and family are all but obsolete in a traditional sense. Gone are the days where men had to work for it. Now it’s available like a drive through. So where does this leave women that demand higher standards? Unfortunately, out in the cold. Men don’t have to live up to the caliber they did in our grandmother’s and great grandmother’s day. There’s no incentive to be better men and they don’t have to work for sex. It’s free. If not by one woman, then by another. This all adds up to zero value for marriage and family.

Even in the christian arena where you might think things would be better it is no different. No church or religious group is going to admit it but this is one battle they aren’t going to win. This is partly why they spend such an excessive amount of time talking and preaching on marriage and family. And why many singles get frustrated and feel left out in church. No one talks about the elephant in the room. The lack of good, marriage minded men who want a traditional family. Instead of the modern family made up of baby mama’s and baby daddy’s. Gone are the days of children having two parents that are married and living in the same house.

If I had children I would be very worried about their future. Not only the future of employment, jobs and inflation but family and honor. What does a young woman today do that doesn’t want to follow societal norms? Her options are going to be far less. If she wants sex she’s going to have to join society and be like every other woman so she gets somewhat of a sex life and maybe if she’s lucky a man might choose to marry her. Women have sufficiently given men all the power. The feminist movement was supposed to empower women and make us more equal. The only thing we’ve succeeded in doing is giving men more power than they had before. This is not to argue that all feminism is bad. I wholeheartedly agree with eliminating injustices in the workplace and under the law. But feminism has been taken to the extreme. Radical feminists pursue stripping away all biology that makes us male and female and any man who refuses to go along with this absurd idea is bashed. But the male bashing doesn’t stop there. Men are bashed for taking advantage of a societal standard that women created. We generated the men we now despise. We fought for total liberation and we got it. Men no longer have to be honorable, respectable or hold jobs. They don’t have to marry or respect the institution. It’s perfectly acceptable to abandon children and have gross disrespect. Women have encouraged this contempt. Some forms of feminism have built an ideological foundation that is anti male.

In terms of marriage and family this has given us a society that no longer value what our forefathers did.

Like most women I didn’t sign up for this. I didn’t sign up for the huge loss of honorable men and wondering like alot of women where the good ones have gone. I didn’t sign up to be single my entire life or choose deliberately not to have a family. It’s just the way it turned out for me and many others like me.

This inspiration came from my ex roommate/boyfriend. And partly my ex husband. For the purposes of this post I concentrate primarily on the ex boyfriend. Even though we are still friends(which my therapist thinks is amazing and now I’m asking myself why) he provides writing inspiration and new things to work through. Albeit negative inspiration.

Drunk defined, Google search: “affected by alcohol to the extent of losing control of one’s faculties or behavior.”

Most of what he said that has caused emotional turmoil were things said when he was drunk/drinking. So I did a little research on this topic after stumbling into it.

After a bit of research it appears alot of people say things they don’t mean or only half mean when they’ve had alcohol. The reason is spirits change the chemical makeup of the brain. Much of what he said had to do with love, etc. and online messages from other people revealed a similar phenomenon with the women not understanding the men they were with. There shouldn’t be any confusion. It’s all drunk talk. It’s possible that some people do mean some of what they say when drinking but most of it is simply drunk ravings/rantings. You know the old adage, “Crying in your beer”, well it’s true.

I read several messages online from women whose men would tell them they loved them and wanted to be with them when they’d had a few too many but when sober would recant their statements. My ex boyfriend did the same thing. One night after having way too much to drink he told me he was falling in love with me. I didn’t put any stock in it and didn’t respond. I’d heard plenty of drunk talk in the past from my ex husband and dad so this was nothing new to me. Later, for whatever reason, I brought it up. Probably to rub his nose in his drunken stupidity but it didn’t get that far. He became angry right off the bat. And on subsequent occasions when it was it brought up. It wasn’t that I got angry because he didn’t mean it(well maybe a little), the fact he wouldn’t admit it angered me. I felt all he had to do was apologize for saying things that could be hurtful because under other circumstances had I truly believed him I would have been terribly hurt when he essentially took it back. Plus, he did what most drunks do and tried to put it back on me by saying this is just what he did when he’d had too much. He did alot of BSing, according to him. That’s not an excuse for speech that could be misconstrued. It also isn’t acceptable. Whether the receiver believes what is being said isn’t the issue. The issue is the person speaking the untruths and trying to deny saying them.

Often times when people are drinking they “cry in their beer” and think about being lonely and wanting someone. They may not necessarily want who their with but they want someone. Of course in a spirit haze they aren’t clear about their intent and realize when sober they should have kept their mouths shut. Out of fear of losing or hurting the person they’re with they either lie or cover it up. My experience was complete denial.

Whatever the scenario, remember that people who’ve had too much to drink often wallow in self pity and loneliness and act stupid. Over time alcohol shrinks the brain so no surprise here. The problem is alot of what a drunk says doesn’t sound stupid so it can be hard to tell if it’s the truth or a lie or something in between. The best thing is not to believe anything they say when impaired. A problem with this forewarning is once you can’t believe something someone says it’s hard to believe anything he/she says and can severely impact trust. And it’s hard to build a relationship without trust.

My advice is to walk away from anyone who starts saying things he/she won’t say when sober. It doesn’t matter the reason. These people are a waste of time. I’m still friends with two people that fit in this category but I know there will never be a romantic relationship. With one, I had hoped that maybe one day there would be but I know for a variety of reasons and excuses on his part there never will be. In all actuality you should walk away from anyone who makes conflicting statements whether drunk or sober. Their words can’t be trusted and speaks very lowly of their maturity level. A truly mature man will not say stuff he doesn’t mean or take his words back later and most definitely won’t blame someone or something else. He will be a man about it. Mature men own who they are and take responsibility for their actions good or bad. This applies to women as well.

Would you take a man seriously when he utters I love you if he’s been drinking?

I’ve been on a roll lately writing about christian dating and being a good wife and today after writing a less sarcastic post than the one before deciding today to switch gears and write about something I know more about. I’ve been loathe to write about this because it’s a difficult topic and I have to dig deep to get through the article without flailing.

Two of the main reasons it is so difficult for me is that my dad(now deceased) was an alcoholic and my ex husband is an alcoholic. My dad couldn’t hold the light to my ex husband’s drinking and I know firsthand how much of a manipulator he is and how he took advantage of my goodwill especially when he wanted a drink. He will go for weeks or months without drinking then hit a runner and drink for days, weeks or even months without letting up. His drinking is the reason I finally left and why I’m now facing alot of truths I never faced before.

The site offers some good advice but I have to disagree with this statement “The majority of alcoholics will not sober up, or consider getting sober, unless faced with serious life consequences.” My ex husband refused to sober up even after the power was turned off, he had no water, no plumbing and no food. He did sober up only because he had no money for it. But he would just sit at the window and stare out of it for hours on end blaming me because I’d left and went to live with a friend of his. At the time his friend offered me a place to live I was living in my car and had been for a year and a half after leaving him. Unfortunately, I’m back living in my car but that’s another story.

I would consider his losing everything hitting rock bottom but perhaps not. And he’s refused to go to AA or get help of any kind.

The one thing my ex husband could do and still does is push buttons. As one friend commented, “You are way beyond button pushing, the dial is turned on high and you automatically go to that setting.” He’s right. The alcohol angers and frustrates me more than anything else. Maybe partly because I had no control with my dad and couldn’t voice my feelings with him because depending on what he was drinking I stayed out of the way. He was verbally abusive and one stone’s throw away from being physically violent if things didn’t go his way. And when he was drinking nothing went his way. Much like my ex husband.

Dealing with an alcoholic is physically and mentally exhausting. When I lost my last place to live I lived with my ex husband for a few weeks because I had no place to live other than my car. After awhile it was so exhausting listening to him complain all night long and his verbal abuse that I got in my car about seven at night and left. With nowhere to go and angry I drove until I was too exhausted to keep driving and fell asleep in a rest area. At first, it was hard. This car wasn’t as comfortable as the last one that I’d lived in for a year and a half. So for the first week or two I had a hard time adjusting. But after a few weeks I got used to it. Even though the car was nearly as big as my last one and was the same as another I’d lived in off and on it was a rather difficult adjustment especially after having a home for a year. Nonetheless, I had to get used to it. And now I’m on my own road trying to figure out how I’m going to get out of this mess. Right now, my car is home and I have to be content with it.

It’s not an easy road when an alcoholics behavior has an extremely negative impact on another’s life and is even worse when the alcoholic doesn’t understand or care what his/her actions have done. But the alcoholic won’t take responsibility for his conduct. He doesn’t even recognize that his alcoholism has any repercussions for another. He thinks it’s everyone else’s problem but this isn’t true. His actions have consequences for those around him.

An alcoholic can’t stop with one glass of wine or beer. They can’t stop until it’s gone. And if they’re anything like my ex they won’t stop for days or weeks. I go into this further in my next post.

To sum up, it’s hard getting an alcoholic to own his actions and get help. They have a bunch of excuses as to why they don’t need help and usually involves it being other people’s problem not their own or like my dad blaming my mother saying she drove him to drink. This was always his justification.

My best recommendation is to seek help from a licensed therapist and go to al anon meetings. I’ve been to a therapist but I’ve yet to be to an al anon meeting.

I’ve spent the better part of two hours trying to figure out what is causing a roar from the rear end of my car. It may be the brakes and on my next oil change at the dealership I will have them check it. My point being, I’m at a loss for the cause and have decided to move on to another topic. One that I know as much about as overhauling an engine.

Before I start, I love this article, if you haven’t read Scary Mommy’s Version on how to be a good wife do read it.

Not that I haven’t been a wife. Albeit what I call an illegal one since we were never legally married. That doesn’t change anything. We still lived together for seven years as husband and wife.

Part of the reason I got to this particular topic was my male friend. When I first came to live with him he said he would teach me how to be a wife because I was never legally married I didn’t know how to be one. Well, he fell down on his duty, he never stepped up to the plate to be the teacher he said he could be. Later when I asked him about it he said I didn’t want to be a wife.

Now this brings me to the question, how does one teach another to be a wife? According to him he was going to teach me to cook, clean, take care of the house, etc. Since I was “unteachable” I should look it up on google and watch youtube videos. According to him, this is all I need. So I went about researching this topic and all I came up with was being a GOOD wife. I didn’t ask how to be a good wife just a wife. Since I have no desire to marry why would I want to be a good one?

According to Roomy the need to cook and clean is all I need. So is this true? Is this the main request from men? That their wives be able to cook, clean and be their maid? Doesn’t this sound like the 1920’s or 1930’s?. That’s something else I’m not interested in.

I digress, back to the point at hand, how to be a wife. Since I have no willing participant to practice my search engine skills on I’ll have to drag my Ken doll and Teddy bear out of the trash. It’s a good thing they won’t have to eat my cooking. Nor will they know if my car is messy(that’s my home, where I’ve been living for awhile). Oh wait, where am I supposed to cook any meals? Maybe I could learn to cook in my car without catching it on fire or blowing it up. Hmmm, I’m not sure about this one. Let’s move on to cleaning. I can’t use a mop, broom, cleaning supplies and have no kitchen or bathroom so don’t have to worry about cleaning those things. Okay, what does that leave? Since Ken Doll and Teddy Bear didn’t give any feedback on the fish I tried to fry in the car(it’s a sedan, btw) and even though I came close to blowing my car up and singed Ken’s hair and burned Teddy’s fur they still didn’t say anything. So test number one: Passed. Next, I thought using bleach and ammonia on the carpet of the car and mopping it like a floor would leave it nice, clean and sanitized. Instead I woke up with sore throat and barely able to breathe and had to make a visit to the local ER. The emergency room personnel thought it was my sick way of trying to get high and tried to get me to enter a drug rehab program run by an actor/comedian for the dumb and dumber. It’s a wonder I didn’t die from pneumonia since I had to leave all four car windows down for over a week in the freezing cold to get the smell out and keep from dying from my serious cleaning concoction. Who knew mixing bleach and ammonia was bad for you? Neither Ken Doll or Teddy Bear said anything. I guess it didn’t bother them. Test number two: Passed with flying colors.

So what else is there? I’ve learned to cook and clean and get no complaints.

That brings me to article one I found online. Blonde, skinny and hot, fits Ken Doll to a tee. The wife list is actually for the gals but since it’s under the good wife search it qualifies to be here. I can watch football on free wifi while chugging back beers. I’m not blonde but Ken doesn’t mind. It’s actually a pretty good article for men. I know a few that could really use reading the The Good Wife List. In all honesty most men wouldn’t know a good woman if she walked up and smacked them in the face.

Here’s another excellent search from google: The Good Wife Guide 2014. This came on the heels of the Clooney nuptials so excellent reading on how to be a good wife. Since it appears they are still married(I don’t follow celebrities) she must have read the good wife guide.

I just mastered Engagement Chicken car cooking style with a little shampoo accidentally thrown in and Ken nor Teddy minded. I call this a good sign if I can stand the messy, rotted odor that’s taken over my car. A tip: A whole bottle of febreze and a whole roll of paper towels don’t get rid of the smell and overbearing waft that comes from spoiled meat. Of course the fact I passed out from drinking a whole bottle of Jack Daniels didn’t help the situation.

I give the author credit where it is deserved. There are no glaring, “Make HER Marry You” articles for men. To this I say, “Right on girl.” Someone needed to say it.

And last but not least, my personal favorite: 8 Signs You May Not Make A Good Wife. Selfish? Ken and Teddy don’t mind. Although I wouldn’t consider myself so. I apologized for the scorched hair and mind boggling aromas that have taken over my car. Jealous? Absolutely not. I don’t mind if other people play with my Ken Doll as long as they give him back when they’re done. And no one wants to play with Teddy Bear so I have nothing to worry about. Materialistic? They got me on this one. But there’s one caveat: I want to win the lottery all on my own, I don’t want him winning it for me. Low libido? They didn’t say anything about one being too high. I surely haven’t found myself or have I?

I’ve read several articles on being a good wife and in honesty don’t see how any of it relates to me. Maybe it’s because I’ve spent too much time talking to my Ken Doll or Teddy Bear about these things with no feedback but heck I don’t need opinions. My own is all that counts.

I wonder if my friend will be proud of my newly found skills.

He would often make flippant, facetious remarks and said that was just the way he is, so for those of you who may think I’m serious, well, I’m serious but only partly. I guess he taught me how to be a good wife after all.

To wrap up, I don’t imagine I’ll be needing to worry about what’s causing the rear end noises, not after all the cooking and cleaning experiments I did in it. All I’m going to have to worry about is finding a junk yard.

This is something I’ve struggled with for most of my dating life. It’s not that I’ve intentionally fallen into these situations or that I didn’t try to find good christian men on the same level as me, I just didn’t for whatever reason meet the best men. Some were downright bad and others were just not right for me meaning we were on different levels when it came to our belief system. Nonetheless, I ended up in the relationships and they didn’t last. It’s not that these men were necessarily bad men they just didn’t share my beliefs. So instead of getting into a good relationship with a good, God fearing, loving man I got into these less than relationships. Some were verbally abusive, alcoholics, mental issues and some needed a Mommy. This is certainly not the kind of man I should have ever given the time of day to but I did. I don’t regret those relationships however there was alot of time wasted. I don’t mourn that I could have met a good man if I hadn’t been with these men because I now realize there’s something within me that needs to be fixed. I just don’t know exactly what it is or how to fix it. And at close to 50 it’s unlikely that I’ll ever figure out what it is. With alot of therapy I may be able to find out the root cause and repair it so I can one day meet the good, loving man that I so desired when I was in my twenties. But I know my chances dwindle as I get older. The good men are all pretty much taken when a woman gets into her fifties and sixties. This isn’t saying it can”t happen because men start losing their wives to death and disease opening up a new avenue of single men. This wasn’t my idea of finding a husband. Waiting until men lose wives. But love can strike at any age.

I’ve accepted that I doubtfully will meet anyone acceptable. And have chosen to pursue a life of singleness filled with travel, photography and doing the things I want to do. People ask me if I travel alone. Some ask if I don’t have someone to go with me. I don’t have anyone to go with me and if I want to explore new places I must do it on my own. I’m not going to sit around hoping that one day I’ll have someone to share this passion with.

This all said, if you find yourself not meeting the right man or when you do meet a good man that you have chemistry and share similar interests with but he doesn’t ask for a second date then you need to reassess your life, yourself and what it is exactly you want. Could your body language be telling a different story than your words? Once you’ve assessed the whole situation either make necessary changes so you will be more attractive to the man you desire or if you’re at a loss as to why you aren’t attracting the right man then it’s time to seek the guidance of a therapist who may be able to help you uncover what is holding you back from the loving relationship you deserve. Be prepared to devote anywhere from 2 to 5 years in this self discovery. The downside of this time is to shy away from relationships until you’ve truly found out the source of the cause.

Be prepared to accept reality. My last therapist said dysfunctional attracts the same. And this makes sense for me. I grew up in a dysfunctional home without any spiritual guidance as a child. My only guidance came when I was a teenager when I attended a private, christian school. By this time all the damage from my childhood had already been done. Much later in life I realized I probably needed therapy but at the time I couldn’t afford it so it was several more years before I got it. And by this time I’d left my ex husband. Since then therapy has been sporadic.

As for online dating, I’m not really a fan. I’ve used it in the past over the course of several years until I met some men at my church singles group. It’s hard to believe that’s been over ten years. Those men didn’t work out and turned out to be game players. That’s when I learned about church hopping. A man would go to one church for the service but to another to pick up women. Most of the men I met online were liars, married or downright psychotic. I realized I was giving my money away but not getting anything in return. For me it was a waste of time and money. I used match.com which I liked okay as for layout, etc. but didn’t really get any responses there. I used several others as well. What I learned about the online dating experience is that it’s almost a must to lie. If you want responses, that is and they’re not worth your time.

I will go more into the reasons why online dating failed for me in another post.

To close, it’s better if you can meet people offline but if that has failed you then you may be looking at online dating as a solution. It works for some but many others it doesn’t. If you go into it with the attitude of just seeing what it’s about and expecting nothing you will be less dissapointed if you don’t meet anyone. And if you do, good for you. You’ve walloped the statistics.

I’m not sure if the first author is being sarcastic but some of her commenters seem to think so. I read some of the things people say and while I’ve heard some of it the rest of it is the most stupid things I’ve ever heard.

One of the things I used to hear when I was looking for a spouse was the gift of singleness. I heard this often and loud. So much so I started to really believe it. I’m still on the fence on this one but in reality finding someone is hard today. It’s that simple. I have a male friend who totally disagrees with this logic and insists that if there were such a thing as a singleness gift God never would have created Eve for Adam. His viewpoint is very simple, he believes that God didn’t intend for people to live solitary lives without a companion/helper. His view may be correct but finding someone today is very difficult. Let’s not mince words about this. Especially if you have certain standards and expectations that you’re unwilling to compromise which in the long run is a good thing. Because you can live happier single than with the wrong person.

Another piece of lacking wisdom which my friend has also put forth and BTW he’s single(divorced) too is, “you’re not looking hard enough”. That’s another gem that many people put out there. Usually by the married folks or those like my male friend who “are not looking and/or don’t want a relationship.” Don’t you just love it when well meaning people give advice with no idea what it’s actually like and in some cases have no idea what they’re talking about? These armchair counselors give advice on how to work on a brand new Ferrari yet they don’ own one.

People can only give advice as to what worked for them or how they met their spouse and taking into consideration that a few decades may have passed since they got married. Alot has changed in just two decades. Think about 3 or 4.

To some degree I probably didn’t look hard enough. I didn’t date as much as I could have and I certainly was no serial dater that some websites promote. But I did my fair share of dating. I just never met the right man. Maybe if I had dated more I would have met him. But that’s no guarantee. The only guarantee here is possibility of emotional and spiritual pain would have been greater. It takes alot out of a person to go through failed relationships. If it failed, it probably was a good thing in the end but it takes time for a person to recover from a romance and get back out there. And the more of these failed romances one gets under his belt the more cynical we tend to get. This is human nature. And this cynicism can ruin a blossoming relationship. Some people can go through them without it ever really phasing them but others like me find it harder to shake off and move forward. Some just don’t take rejection as well as others. Maybe because of a dysfunctional childhood, bad high school years or any number of other reasons but it exists.

Then there’s the opposite end of the spectrum, “love will find you when you least expect it.” This is another polished gem that well meaning offer up as an explanation for singleness. It may be partly true but in some cases like mine, romance found me with the wrong person and years of failures that can really hurt a person’s self esteem and other advice suggesting you’re going to have to lower your standards. So the things I read online about women finally grabbing whatever’s available is to some degree accurate. Do I regret it? No. It was one of the worst, most dysfunctional relationships I’ve ever had. It was also one of the longest, hardest and was never boring. And would I do it again? I can’t imagine not doing it.

Another good one is, “God’s timing is perfect.” This suggests if you just wait the right one will appear. He/she’s not going to knock on your door. Then again you could date alot and still not meet the right one. I have to be perfectly honest here and am probably going to get lambasted for saying this but God isn’t a very good matchmaker. That was never His role. It is your decision on who you date and marry. You can give God credit if you like but doesn’t mean He’s responsible and in my opinion is a gross overstatement to give God the credit in sending someone. This takes the responsibility out of your hands to task this yourself. Granted, we’re not all good task takers. Some do it better than others and sometimes luck, coincidence and well meant introductions are responsible.

To close, the biggest reason I see for this awful dating advice is that the people around you either hear about and know your desire to meet someone and/or have listened to all the complaints they’re willing to listen to. So out rolls this well meaning but awful advice. This is their way of saying, “shut up, I don’t want to hear it. I have bigger problems. So please stop talking about it.” Unless someone asks if you’re single, don’t volunteer the information. This is why they give this advice. Besides they can see for themselves when you show up to church with no one. I understand sometimes people will ask and pursue the topic even when you’re unwilling to. But you have the option of shutting them down with only a word or two.

One might wonder how this crossed my mind in the scope of travel but this is the cool thing about a personal blog, I can write about whatever crosses my mind. You can read Part 2 Here.

Not feeling so well today I opted to do a little reading on my smartphone and came across a couple of very interesting articles. The first When Friends And Romance Mix is a great article about how friends can influence your relationship. There’s one pivotal point not covered here and one in my opinion that is even more important and that is family. I think most people know how good or how bad it can be if family approves or disapproves. If not, let me clarify. Many years ago I was engaged but his family nor mine approved of the relationship and not for reasons you might think. His family wanted someone for him that had parents and grandparents that were college educated with degrees. And if she had siblings they too needed to have a college degree(that wasn’t an issue, I’m an only child) and she had to come from a good family that lived in a nice upscale neighborhood. Essentially, they wanted her parents to be well off. My dad had done very well for us. My Mom was a stay at home Mom doing only minimal outside work instead taking care of the family. This didn’t sit well with my fiance’s mother. She had a full time job outside the home and expected the same for any woman her beloved son was going to marry. My parents disapproved of my fiance from the beginning. Their argument, they didn’t like his job. To make matters worse his brother didn’t like me and my extended family wasn’t fond of him. As you can well imagine the squabbling and fighting soon began and it was bad. My fiance thought I needed to be away from my parents who were possessive and controlling and his parents were the same way. Neither one of us were willing to tell our parents where to go and break contact. It’s hard to break blood ties regardless of how dysfunctional they are. Our parents weren’t the kind of people that allowed limits to be set and they didn’t accept responsibility for their actions. Eventually we broke up. The pressure was too much. But that didn’t end our parents dysfunction. It just translated to someone else.

Another good example: My ex husband and I met a few years ago after my Mom passed and finally parted ways two years ago due to his alcoholism. In this scenario my dad really liked my ex and that heavily influenced me staying as long as I did. My ex was the first man my dad ever approved of and liked. After my dad died my uncle confided that he didn’t like my ex and tried to tell my dad nor did an aunt. My ex once said that while my dad was alive he was the glue that held us together and he was right. Albeit a very dysfunctional relationship because when I got tired of the drinking I’d leave for days at a time. Somewhere deep I thought he’d change.

The point being, that family have an even bigger impact on the relationship than even friends. They’re truly the ones that can make or break it. Whether it’s good or bad. It’s easy to get rid of a negative, overly pessimistic friend who is bringing a good relationship down and if you have such a friend it’s wise to talk to her about the reasons for her dislike. If they’re unfounded tell her you can’t tolerate the negativity and if it persists discontinue the friendship. But make sure her reasons are truly unfounded. If she is a best friend she may see things that other friends might not.

But what do you do when family refuses to accept a good relationship? I have no real good advice for that one. My parents didn’t live long enough for me to have to exercise it. Most men that met my parents ran for the hills as soon as they met. You can tell your family that you won’t tolerate negativity and if it persists you will abolish the relationship. There’s a good chance they won’t listen. The downside is you have to make good on the threat if they refuse to listen. The other downside is if the relationship doesn’t last you could be estranged from your family for years or maybe until they die. This is something you have to tread very lightly with because you don’t want to make the wrong choice. This is a situation where you might want to not only seek pastoral counsel but a private therapist as well. But understand they are fallible. A therapist helped me alot when it came to dealing with my ex husband as well as a roommate. It helped me reign in some of my angry outbursts and hotheadedness to deal with them in a more civilized way. And believe me dealing with my ex husband civilly is close to impossible.

And of course aside from counsel, seek advice from trusted friends, try writing down your thoughts to keep you on track when talking to family and if they try to engage an argument(my mother did this repeatedly especially after her stroke and would go on four hour scream fests) stick to your letter, stay calm and on point and walk away if they refuse to have a courteous conversation. And pray for guidance.

I wrote this before the end of the month. But I will be here for a few more days than I thought I was. I’ve been in this area for a couple of weeks. This is the longest I’ve been in any one spot since I was in Gillette, Wyoming two years ago. I still have a few things to do.

A couple of people here started talking to me. One is a worker(he’s starting another job in a few days) and another guy that comes in all the time with another man. Usually, after being in a Mcdonald’s for a few days people that come in often will start talking to me. My experience with Mcdonald’s is the same people will come in all the time. It was the same in Atchison, Kansas. Which I hated having to leave.

As a followup to the last post, I’ll be in this area for a few more days while I get some things done and wait for the first of the month to roll around and leave. I’ve been able to do okay this month with saving money mostly because I’ve stayed in one place alot longer than I did two years ago. Since I really like this particular Mcdonald’s it makes it easier. If I don’t like the place I won’t stay opting to stay longer at a location I like. The next big one is not getting hassled by managers or the police. If that happens that’s my cue to leave.

In fact, one day I came out of walmart where I’ve been parked for several days and saw a manager talking to a trucker that had been parked there for a few days. I walked around the corner to a store and waited for him to leave since I was in no mood to deal with him. Shortly after, the trucker left. Since then, I’ve seen either him or another trucker that works for the same company parked in the lot for a couple of days and just today I saw two from the same company and if I’m not mistaken the same trucker is back but he parked in a different spot than before. Luckily, even though they have no overnight parking signs posted in the lot it doesn’t seem to deter anyone and people park anyway, sometimes for a few days, like me. I also noticed that some of the truckers use the walmart parking lot as a place to park their cars while they’re out on the road. At first, I thought they were just walmart employees parked at the end of the lot but after being here for a few days realized the vehicles belong to truckers. I guess the manager doesn’t notice or doesn’t know.

I make it a practice in most walmart lots to get out as quickly as possible to avoid being noticed but haven’t adhered too well to that policy here mainly because I’ve been sick. Also, no employees park in the area where I do. It’s mainly used by truckers. And employees seeing you sleeping in your car is where the problem comes in. They will alert their bosses who then make a point of coming up to your vehicle as soon as he/she catches you in it. I’m not sure why employees think it’s their business if you’re sleeping in your car especially with the sorry wages they pay them. Personally, I wouldn’t be making enough to tell my boss so he could hassle someone especially someone who has no other place to sleep. And if the person isn’t bothering anyone like myself I don’t see what the problem is.

Update: It turns out the Mcdonald’s in Mayfield has an outlet that doesn’t work. It was so loose I couldn’t get my charger to go in and stay and ended up leaving and going someplace else where I got a little more work done, watched a couple of my lessons and some TV. All in all, not a bad night. The bad news came this morning. I’ve been battling a sinus infection/throat infection for the past two or three weeks and can’t seem to shake it. It just keeps coming and going.

I’ve been waiting to write this post because I don’t generally give the exact location of where I am. This sounds paranoid I’m sure but since I’m living in my car I don’t want anyone to know where I am exactly.

Today started out pretty well with me having lunch at Burger King. I have receipts for a free whopper or chicken sandwich with the purchase of fries and drink. The total came to $3.69 and I certainly can’t beat that. The total varies from place to place depending on taxes. I’ve spent as much as $4.30 but the average is less than $4.00. After my post yesterday about the harmful preservatives they put in fast food, high fat and processed foods I know I should have heeded my own advice and stayed away but I didn’t feel like eating at subway today. I eat there every day.

I had a light day planned. I was going to fax some documents off and go to the library and work awhile on my sites and watch my website lessons then a little TV after I picked up a new pair of earbuds(mine are going bad). But when I got to walmart they were closed because the power is out. It turns out power in the entire city of Murray and some of the county are without power. Apparently a substation went out. They suspect a lightening strike is what caused the outage. Since without power there is also no wifi service I decided to head to a neighboring town in hopes of getting online. I had already called the mcdonald’s in this town a few days ago when I was here and knew they had an outlet albeit only one outlet in the dining room. It’s a much older store than the one in Murray. The one in Murray in either a new restaurant or has been remodelled. Either way, it’s a really nice one with a 24 hour dining room and very comfortable chairs and color coordinated. I will probably have to go back because I still have to fax some stuff and there’s no office supply store here. Sometimes libraries offer fax services but I like self service kiosks. And some truck stops do too.

Once I get in one Mcdonald’s that I really like I hate to leave it in hopes of finding another I will like. The same thing happened in Sikeston/Charleston, Missouri. The Mcdonald’s in Charleston is a new or renovated one and very nice with the same color coordinated chairs that are so appealing in Murray. The downside and the reason I didn’t stay there very long was the fact that I had to drive 15 miles to get to it from the walmart where I parked and that was using too much fuel. I prefer walmart and mcdonald’s to be close to one another eliminating some of the driving and gas wasting. I didn’t get through this month saving as much as I did by driving alot. I’ve had to stay almost two weeks in one town to save on fuel costs.

I was here in this town a few days ago when I came here to get a haircut. These small towns are very lacking when it comes to salons and other things. When I was in Ridgecrest, California I wanted a haircut and had to drive 80 miles to Victorville(not too from San Bernardino) to get one. Otherwise I would have stayed in Ridgecrest. It was a nice little town.

The other day when I got my hair cut she used something she called hair powder. I looked in the stores for something similar but didn’t find anything. She started putting it in my hair before I could say anything. She said it worked really well for short cuts. I don’t like it. It does allow styling similar to hair gels giving it a hair dryer blown look but I still don’t like it. As with most hair products it looks kind of dirty by the next day and feels even dirtier. And with my situation being what it is I don’t need anything that makes me have to wash my hair more especially since most of the walmart’s here don’t have family restrooms. I still wash it. But I don’t like doing it in front of everyone. Not that I have a problem with anyone seeing me but when I’ve been in one walmart parking lot for nearly two weeks I don’t want to do anything that brings attention to myself.

Some videos online suggest using baby powder to make hair look less greasy. I haven’t tried it so I don’t know but I do know it would be messy. I tried that dry shampoo one time and it was so bad I had to run into the truck stop and wash my hair and I thought I’d never get it out. So I’m definitely not a fan although I saw several dry shampoo products the other day in the store. If I can’t wash my hair for a few days sometimes I will use hair gel which works pretty well. It makes it look kind of wet depending on how it’s applied. I don’t usually wet my hair anymore when I apply it. If the scalp is starting to itch I can use a little hair spray(it has a high alcohol content) and it stops it and also dries the hair out a little.

I just now checked to see if power had been restored to Murray and it has been. If I had just waited a couple of hours it would have been back on and I’m sure the Mcdonald’s there is open now that power is on. But I was getting bored staying there anyway not that it matters since I have to stay in this general area a few more days then I will leave and go to my next stop which I’m thinking will only be about 30 or 40 miles depending on whether I like the Mcdonald’s there. Sometimes they aren’t comfortable, sometimes the wifi is no good and sometimes they’re dining room doesn’t stay open long enough. Very, very few have 24 hour dining rooms but they have to at least close at 11 PM for me to be satisfied and be comfortable. If they’re not I’ll look for another. Another thing I like is having the $1 fountain drinks. Some charge $1.60 or more for a small drink. I feel bad if I don’t order something but when it’s higher I will only order a drink once in awhile when I go in but I usually get food before I leave depending on how hungry I am. Some are super busy and don’t really notice if you buy anything or not. And others have a layout where you can sit on the side and they never really notice you. And some don’t care. Very few have time limits on internet access but some do especially out west. They only allow wifi access for an hour while you eat. Now I don’t imagine they can control it if a person sits in their car accessing the internet if they can. I have done this when I was sick and didn’t want to go inside. One such place was in Franklin, Virginia right after I purchased the Impala and I was coughing real bad. They had excellent wifi I was able to access even though I was at the end of the parking lot.

I’ve rambled on long enough about stuff that most people will not find useful but if you happen to be travelling or living in a vehicle you might find it useful.

Well, I expect to be in Mayfield, Murray, Benton, Calvert City, Kentucky a few more days. The house my ex husband is rebuilding is almost complete and already with a property manager and this will bring in income. Income that will benefit me and hopefully I won’t be quite as strapped for money as I am now. We won’t clear anything the first month not with all the fees the property management company charges and the reserve that has to be met(that’s a starting fee for repairs). So I know I’m going to have to be very saving for the next month but hopefully after that it won’t be as tight as it is now. I’ve done quite well this month and I’m very surprised as I didn’t do this well two years ago but gas prices are cheaper now than they were then. But I added up how much I would be spending if gas were as high as $3.00 a gallon and still I would have saved more now than I did then. I’m a little stumped. There are however a couple of differences. I’m in a different car but the other car was also a mid sized sedan averaging 20 MPG around town and 30 MPG highway which is about the same as the car I’m in now. But actually the other car got better gas mileage at least on the highway. All in all, about the same. The other difference is I would only put enough fuel in it for one day which averaged about $12.00 a day. I also didn’t stay in one town as long. If I remember correctly I only stayed in one place for 4 or 5 days, maybe a week unless the weather didn’t permit me to leave. This all added up to more gas.

This all said I keep a record of what I’m spending every day and if I feel I’ve spent enough for that day I look for ways to reduce the amount. I still have to eat but I’ll eat one of those tuna or chicken salad packs for a dollar. The salmon ones which I like are $1.78 each at walmart. I always shop at walmart because it’s usually cheaper on the things I buy the most. Sometimes I’m so hungry I end up eating at Mcdonald’s before I leave. I try to eat as cheap and healthy as I can which is usually hot cakes and a hash brown or side salads, sometimes plain english muffins. While writing this I decided to look up the nutrition ingredients again. Aside from the fat which isn’t too bad in the things I eat they do contain ingredients like PDSM(anti foaming agent) which is in shampoos to make hair shiny, caulks, etc. and TBHQ(causes tumors, convulsions, paralysis, etc. in lab rats and also said to affect behavior especially those with ADHD and similar maladies) which is found in paints, varnishes, etc. My conclusion, we may as well start eating paint, soap and spar varnish. Although the FDA says small amounts are safe but statistics are that people who eat high fat diets consume a whopping 180% of what is an acceptable amount. And the average american eats 90% of what is acceptable.

The unfortunate downside is I’m eating this albeit not all the time. I wish there was a healthier wifi hotspot. But I have to say mcdonald’s has good wifi for the most part. I just try not to eat too much of it. Unfortunately, it’s almost impossible to avoid everything bad for us because even when we eat nothing but raw vegetables we are still consuming pesticides and insecticides that we all know are bad for us. So to be perfectly honest, nothing is truly safe.

This is one of the downsides of living in a car. I have to eat prepared foods from mostly fast food places. Although I eat at subway most every day so I can get vegetables and eat alot of tuna. In fact, I eat enough fish to float a battleship.

Aside from this fast food is not really cheap but I’m not a big fan of eating in my car. I read online that if you must sleep in your vehicle don’t eat in it too. Another reason for not eating in it all the time and alot of people don’t realize this because most don’t sleep in their cars is that when enough crumbs fall down into the track it will cause failure. I started to notice my last car’s seat starting to act up a little with relatively low miles. My car before that started acting up at 96k miles but didn’t completely fail until 246k(so not a bad run) leaving me to buy another car on the road which wasn’t planned or affordable but with few options since the seat cost $1200 and the shop refused to fix it insisting I’d be better off with a newer, lower miles car. While this is accurate they weren’t the ones paying the monthly car payment or the ones in an upside down loan. This is a whole other story as there’s more to it than just this. But the basic premise is the seat failed, I couldn’t get it repaired and had to buy something else with a loan on it that ended up having my ex husband’s name on it as the primary even though he was never in the dealership. They changed the paperwork he signed. And had him sign it while standing on a street corner in one of his infamous protests and he didn’t have time to read the paperwork. This is all for a different post. Bottom line, it’s not a good idea to eat all the time in a vehicle and spill crumbs down into the seat track especially a power seat.

As for saving money in a car, I’m sure there are others who have better tips than I do. Because most of them suggest eating food from stores but you are very limited in what you can eat because you can eat nothing that will spoil. If you have a van or RV/camper it might be easier.

I ended up off the subject like always and tend to ramble which I try to avoid. I will end for now.