I love avocados, sometimes (read: daily) stand on my head to get my creative juices flowing, and I could listen to The Beatles sing, “I’ve Just Seen A Face” everyday, for the rest of forever.

Wondering what goes on here? Yup, so are the rest of us.

1. I am a lifestyle photographer. I have the most remarkable clients in the world, and I share their images here to inspire us all to live life with greater love, meaning and joy.

2. I am a writer. This blog is full of many of the curious thinks I have thunk.

3. I am a speaker and life/business consultant. I post upcoming speaking engagements and consulting information here as well.

4. I am most fulfilled by my work as a wife and mother to my 4 sons, one of whom now lives in Heaven. I share bits and pieces of our journey here on this blog. Including our ongoing struggle with grief, our experiences with ADHD and SPD, and our solid faith in a God much bigger than the challenges we face.

But ultimately, I hope that this blog is about something much bigger than all of that.My dream is for this blog to be a place where real life comes to be celebrated and enthusiastically embraced. Not just the pretty stuff, with tailored hems, clean lines,and the new colors for spring . . . but everything else, too. The frazzled mornings, broken hearts, crazy dreams, messy kitchens. . . even the fear, failure, hopelessness and devastation. I want this blog to be a place for every bit of what makes us all living, breathing, feeling human beings, experiencing together this remarkable thing called life.

May this be a place of passion, purpose, laughter, tears, friendship, encouragement and inspiration for us all.

In 2010, our perfect *”Baby Gavin” returned to Heaven after losing a courageous battle with **Pertussis (whooping cough). We are eternally and profoundly grateful to the thousands upon thousands (upon thousands) of friends and strangers from all over the world, of all faiths and creeds, who united with our family in prayer during Baby Gavin’s horrific illness and who grieved with us and continued to petition God in our behalf during the dark days following his tragic death. You may read Gavin’s story as it unfolded by visiting my old blog here. I am committed to sharing my ongoing struggles with grief and our journey toward joy here on the new blog. I am always humbled and amazed by the continued outpouring of love and support. Thank you for sharing in our journey and inspiring us with your unceasing love! God is good!

*My brother Gavin passed away unexpectedly in 2007. With all these Angel Gavins, it can get a little confusing at times, so just know that when I refer to “Gavin” I’m referring to my wonderful brother. When I refer to “Baby Gavin,” it is in reference to my perfect son, both of whom I cannot wait to see in Heaven!

**You will periodically see me blog about The Sounds of Pertussis campaign. I am an unpaid spokesperson and am only compensated travel expenses where applicable for my involvement with this important cause. Join our fight against this deadly communicable disease at www.soundsofpertussis.com or like us on facebook at www.facebook.com/soundsofpertussis.

When you really love something, when you really, truly, madly, deeply, passionately LOVE something, it’s always shocking to wake up one morning and realize how long that thing has been gone from your life—how far away it feels—how foreign—how . . . irretrievable. When you finally find the courage and resolve to go after what you’ve lost, when you finally realize that life without it is worse than the horrifying reality of what will be required to get it back, there’s a part of you that believes that once you “jump back in,” you’ll be simply overwhelmed by the utter rightness of it all. “I’m home!” your spirit will cry!

Here’s the truth that I have found: It will hurt, this process of righting wrongs, of chasing our bliss, of restoring what was lost, of building what we hope has the potential to be. Once you’re in the thick of all the searching, it will be hard, and it will hurt. You’ll feel clumsy and unsteady, insignificant and small, and the journey will feel very, very long and unyielding. To paraphrase Robert Frost—the woods will seem dark and deep and there will be miles and miles (and miles) to go before you’ll sleep.

But where there is love, there is light. And light, my friends, is ALWAYS worth fighting for. Once you get back in the ring, the entire universe will begin to conspire together for your good—in absolutely miraculous ways. And out of nowhere, you’ll start receiving signs. Trust them. These signs will validate the stirring in your heart, and they will give every ounce of the courage you need. My sign was delivered to me by a stranger. In the exact moment my heart needed it the most:

“Please come back to the web. If only you knew all the people that you were encouraging, lives you were touching, the way that God uses your pain to shape others lives, to comfort those who feel the same. I know you will probably never know the depths of the way that God is using you, your story, your writing, your talents, your gifts, your trials, your sufferings….but I do hope and pray that you come back and process more with us. There needs to be more hope and truth out here on the internet….and more voices like yours. Thank you for all you have done here…you are a gift and a blessing and a teacher and a mentor and even in a way, a friend. Thank you.”

I’ll be back to writing (blogging) tomorrow (well, and today, as it would seem).

~C:
I couldn't agree more with the stranger who wrote you. My little sister just lost her baby girl at 23 weeks, and I have been sending her links to your amazing posts, in hopes that they will help heal her broken heart. Love your writing, you are amazing! September 10, 2013 1:45 pm

Aussie Sarah:
I need you Nat and am so pleased. thank you xxx September 10, 2013 2:14 pm

alisha:
You. Are an angel. I am so happy you are back. xoxo September 10, 2013 2:38 pm

shari:
every time I'd think, "Man, I wish Natalie would blog again...I miss her writing...I miss FEELING deep things when I read her writing..." I'd stop myself and think, "wait, that's pretty selfish. she's busy. she's got a LIFE she's living...if she doesn't want to blog, or have time to blog, that's OK..." but selfishly I'd still yearn for your blogs anyway. hey sister, you've got a gift. and I 1000% agree with the message from the stranger. my life has without a doubt been changed because of what you've chosen to share here on your bloggy blog. and i'm gonna be selfish. but at the same time, hoping that it helps you find happiness and joy as well :) xoxo from HB September 10, 2013 2:58 pm

natalie:
Sheri, You always have such a way of making people feel like they matter. It is one of your most godly attributes. I want to be more like you, my friend. Thank you so much for your constant and unyielding support. xx N September 10, 2013 9:22 pm

natalie:
Aussie Sarah, I need you too. We all need each other, don't we? I wish we'd all be better about admitting that and reaching out in more genuine ways! I think the world would be such a different place if we all were simply willing to admit how much we need each other! September 10, 2013 9:24 pm

natalie:
Chelsea, What a WONDERFUL thing to say. Thank you. It means so much to hear you say that. September 10, 2013 9:24 pm

Christy Tyler:
Glad to see you back here friend. :) xoxo September 10, 2013 10:33 pm

Alison:
Natalie, I saw your post pop up on my FB feed and for a second I thought "who"? And then I realized how much I missed your words and your positivity and images and I was so glad you gave me a reason to remember you. Welcome back. September 11, 2013 3:16 am

Claire Atherfold:
I totally agree! We've missed you :) You are such an inspiration to so many and I am so thankful your spirit and courage was called back :) September 11, 2013 6:45 am

Tom Barrett:
Dear Natalie,
Thank you so very much for sharing this! I have been down in the dumps for such an extended period of time, but this raised my spirit. I thank you for that!
I fully agree with all you have said. Please continue to share with everyone, as that is the true way of Nature and of Nature's God!
God Bless,
Tom September 11, 2013 7:45 am

Making Peace, That is Our Work. | EMMA LOU:
[...] day. But, I can’t, it’s not like me to not acknowledge days like today. After reading Natalie’s post about how important it is to write, how much it helps all of us, I decided that today was the day I [...] September 11, 2013 9:22 am

kimberly oyler:
i've missed you so much!!! so glad you are back!!! (and you should know that i don't use exclamation points very often.) September 11, 2013 3:13 pm

Jennifer:
yay! You have been such an inspiration to me. I know it's not always easy to put yourself out there, but please know that we're all struggling right alongside you with our own struggles, and fears, and vulnerabilities - and sharing it makes us all stronger in our search and journey towards the light(s) in our lives. I'm looking forward to reading more from you :) September 11, 2013 5:34 pm

Christie:
Hello, thank you. I'm very happy to hear this. You will always be that fresh air my heart needs when it feels heavy. My oldest daughter started school this week, its something i've never done - let someone else care of her, It hurts because i love her so much, but i know we will learn together. She will love me more for letting her grow! Welcome back, missed you! XO! September 11, 2013 8:08 pm

Kate S.:
So grateful for the stranger that sent you that, because you are a huge inspiration to me and I want to keep myself surrounded by inspiration! September 12, 2013 12:52 pm

natalie:
Kate! I want to keep myself surrounded by inspiration, too! I love this reminder! I'm going to be more eager to seek out inspiration moving forward! xoxo! September 12, 2013 9:46 pm

natalie:
AHHHHH! Christie! First day of school is sooooo hard! Especially the FIRST first day of school! I feel for you!!!!!!! But you will see her learn and grow in such astonishing ways! Hang in there, woman! xoxo September 12, 2013 9:47 pm

natalie:
Jennifer, AMEN. I really don't know what more to say than that. Just the most heartfelt AMEN there ever was!!! xoxoxoxox! N September 12, 2013 9:47 pm

natalie:
Kimberly! I use exclamation points all the time!!! But they are ALWAYS warranted, so it's ok!!! THANK YOU! Your comment made my day!!!!! !!!!! !!!!! xoxoxo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! September 12, 2013 9:48 pm

natalie:
Tom, THANK YOU. It's such a beautiful reminder that we should embrace what is in our nature. . . Sometimes I forget that and feel small or unworthy. But why would I feel unworthy of what is naturally inside of me? God has given me a voice. I should use it with love, humility and joy. September 12, 2013 9:55 pm

natalie:
Alison, This comment was very touching and a good reminder of the way we can reach out and bless one another's lives. . . just by doing what we do. . . Thank you. A stranger got me writing again, and I think you, another stranger, have served to help keep me writing. . . lots of love to you. September 12, 2013 9:57 pm

Silke/Germany:
Thanks to this stranger, it could have been me. I missed you too and thought if she hasn't posted today I'd e-mail her :) I don't usually intrude on people's silence. Great to see you back and posting xx September 19, 2013 7:05 am

America:
I am so glad you're back! I look forward to reading your posts. Thank you for putting yourself out there in such an honest and vulnerable way. I too have missed your posts! September 19, 2013 11:17 am

natalie:
I love you, sweetest Siike!!!!! I WILL come to Germany and officially meet you one day! September 20, 2013 2:22 pm

natalie:
America, You made my day a little brighter. Thank you! September 20, 2013 2:24 pm

Leisa:
Thx for this.
it was so refreshing and real :) Mahalo!
-sounds like you're in a good place being back here on the rock :) July 3, 2012 4:27 am

Sarah:
Amen. Thanks for starting off my day with such a refreshing perspective. July 3, 2012 4:36 am

Jo Thomas:
You have a way of making topsy-turvy seem normal and achievable and even quite an adventure. Beautiful thoughts to finish my day with and be inspired for tomorrow, thank you times thirty four! xxx July 3, 2012 4:53 am

Annie:
Can you hear my heart singing? See my tears glistening? Feel the depth of my gratitude? I love you Gann. July 3, 2012 6:22 am

Kate:
Perfect and poignant. Thanks for continuing to teach, so that we may all learn to breathe a little more. XO July 3, 2012 6:47 am

Amy Paulson:
Oh sweet Natalie...I love you. And I love every last word here. Cannot wait to hear more about your time in Hawaii. Praying you enjoy soaking up EVERY last second. And that book proofing goes SO well! July 3, 2012 7:08 am

Camille:
Sweet Mercy!! This list is perfect. I want to post this list all over my house and at work....for everyone to see!!! July 3, 2012 9:58 am

Megan:
This is perfection. Absolute perfection. Can I just please move to Hawaii now? July 3, 2012 10:08 am

Marsha:
Thank you Natalie for sharing this. I needed to read this today. xx July 3, 2012 6:08 pm

Kendall Souter:
These are perfect.. truly.. please type them in a neat scroll-y font, frame them, and display them in your home, regardless of how long the frame may need to be.... My ultimate top two (because you were dying to know) :)
Worry is nothing more than praying for what you don’t want.......HOLY MOLY.. SCARY just how true this is!!!
Being in the ocean is the best practice in mindfulness there is.... FACT: I ALWAYS feel closest to God in our near the ocean...
Truly though, thank you for these!!! July 4, 2012 10:19 am

Anna Packard:
I love this post! It's like those framed posters you find at Target full of inspirational statements, except WAY better because it is full of your personal truth. This post inspires me to try meditating again. July 7, 2012 9:38 pm

marjorie:
reading this came in the nick of time. was just about ready to lose it what with clients, another bad date, etc. i hope you don't mind - i just sent this to two friends (with credit given to you). you made an impact on this person's life and i say thank you. July 27, 2012 9:48 am

My journey toward authenticity began the day my son diedthe day I died. (I can tell you from the bottom of my soul, they are one and the same.)

And there I was.

There I was. . .

(Deep exhale here.)

Nothing remained, aside from the physical form of the woman I had once been. Inside of that? Nothing was the same. When you come to THAT moment (that we all pray to God you never will) you have exactly two choices.

1. You die.
2. Or you don’t.

Physical death, yes, I suppose would be a third alternative (a thought that EVERY mother who’s walked where I’ve walked has entertained, even if only in an especially weak and fleeting moment), but I’m not speaking of physical death. I’m speaking of emotional death. Spiritual callus. The armor of the soul. Survival. Safety. The opportunity to disengage from the excruciating pain. The promise of relief from the acute, unrelenting torture. Option number 1, you die. See?

Option number 2, you don’t. BUT HOW DON’T YOU? HOW?! HOW?!!!! AND YES I’M SHOUTING NOW. I’M SCREAMING AT THE TOP OF MY BROKEN HEART. HOW DON’T YOU JUST CLIMB INTO THE CUPBOARD UNDER THE STAIRS AND BURY YOUR HEAD IN THE SAND? (Yes, my cupboard under the stairs is at the beach. Apparently. And yes, I’m done yelling at you.)

How?

You submit.

And that’s how.

You submit.

You own your nothingness before God and yet your “everythingness” within him. For we are, each of us, nothing and everything all in the same harrowing yet joy-filled breath.

The moments after Gavin died horrified me. Horror. Times infinity. To the power of a million. For all the obvious reasons yes, but for one you rarely think about in specific. Eventually, friends, you have to walk away. You have to hand your dead child over to a stranger, and you have to walk away. I’ve never felt so small. I’ve never felt so afraid. I couldn’t do it. I moaned. I cried. I held him as tightly as I could. I probably screamed out loud, though I don’t remember for certain. If I didn’t, I should have. I’d certainly earned the right.

I’ve never been so acutely focused (before or since). I was completely keyed in to the moment I was in, the feelings I was experiencing, the fear that engulfed me. And amid all that terror, amid all that submission, amid all that awareness of my nothingness before God, I found something.

Myself.

No longer was I a woman who was born in 1981, had lived a while, and was having this experience in a hospital room in the Pediatric Intensive Care Unit in 2010. I was Natalie.

I felt connected to myself in a whole new way. Connected to my divinity as a child of God, a literal spirit daughter of The Creator of Heaven and Earth and all things that in them are. I was Natalie, and Natalie, this me, SHE had the strength required to walk away. SHE had the faith required to move through this moment (and every one that would follow). SHE had the perspective I lacked. SHE had the courage I desired. SHE knew God in a way that I had never dreamed possible.

I held her hand, I kissed his face, and I walked away.

Over time, I’ve come to know her better. Learning she existed was half the battle, now getting to know her learning to become her will win me the war.

Authenticity. It’s a practice, not an art. A journey, not a destination.

Mysea:
I cannot read anything you write without a well of tears filling my eyes... God bless you for not hiding in your fear/anxiety and for blessing soooo many others with your thoughts and words. Can't wait to meet you! February 9, 2012 7:19 am

Jen Williams:
My friend referred me to this post. You are an amazing writer! And I too love photography and love the feeling you have captured with your header picture! I lost my 10 year old son 8 months ago and can push the YES completely button you created with your writing of loosing a child and the feelings that come from that moment on. Thanks for sharing your story! February 9, 2012 8:06 am

Kiera Haddock:
You've heard the words thousands of times so I'm not sure how to make mine stand out or come to life in any way. That being said, I am so inspired by your thoughtfulness, your approach to life, your attitude, your writing skills (and photo skills), your deep connection to yourself, and your honesty. I am following this series very closely so thanks in advance. February 9, 2012 8:17 am

Angela Bougher:
I lost my youngest son a little over a year ago. He was 3 months old... I'm still a mess. I appreciate your blog. you are an amazing woman to walk through your loss with such strength and life. I admire that and hope someday I am able to walk with half of what you possess. February 9, 2012 8:34 am

Shari Hanson:
i've said it before, and i will say it again. you, miss natalie, are a SHINING STAR! i love you. xoxo February 9, 2012 8:49 am

Shefali Lindsey:
Natalie, this is so beautifully written and something I need to hear. Just yesterday, I said OUTLOUD to my husband how I needed to be more authentic. I needed to stop trying for perfection. I have to learn that learning to let go, live and being true to yourself are the first steps to a more fulfilling and liberating life. I love every ounce of this post, and I think you are one amazing woman. Thank you! xoxo February 9, 2012 8:55 am

shannon kelley:
I am crying. Love you and know that you are SUCH an inspiration and I pray that I can one day be like you:) February 9, 2012 9:05 am

Kim Orlandini:
You inspire. This makes complete and utter sense. It isn't until horrendous trial strikes that we find out who we really are, who we truly can become. I love you. February 9, 2012 10:51 am

Monica:
Natalie - your words have such meaning and power. You are the strongest human being I know. I am so grateful for the blessings you bring into my life on a daily basis. I cannot wait to hug you again dear friend. February 9, 2012 11:32 am

Jamie:
As usual your words blow me away. I have not lost a child, but I have lost many pregnancies, and while i didnt get to kiss their faces, know their personalities, or feel their warm sweet breath against my cheek I loved them. WITH.MY.WHOLE.HEART.
I do not compare my loss to yours...there is no comparission. Loss is loss and it all hurts, and it hurts deeply. A life changing hurt that requires you to grow. Either inward to self, or outward and into God. I am slowly beginning to realize that the pain I faced, I allowed to shape me, drive me into self...for too long I have been bound by fear, anger, jealousy, bitterness, regret, shame, sadness, bewilderment. Some I knew were there, others I didnt. I have been on this long journey for a very long time it feels like. This path of genuine self discovery. God has been there leading as I'd let him, but the most stunning realization was how angry I was with Him. I am certain that my journey and yours started about the same time. I believe God is allowing that to be so for many women, to raise up a standard of women who KNOW who they are and can weather any storm that approaches from any angle. I believe He is using our stories to knit us all together across all the land...a network of Godly women who KNOW how to LIVE. Who have had expeiences shape them and therefore have wisdom to share with others.
Thank you for being so willing to share your heart, wide open, overflowing, and pouring it out for us. You are a treasure & I am blessed each day to "know" you!! XOXOXO February 9, 2012 12:32 pm

Ashley Lisonbee:
Hey Natalie,,,,,I feel your pain, I hope life since then has become more sweet. I have been through very difficult refining times that I too didn't think I would make it and now I am grateful. You are inspiring. Luvs,Ash February 9, 2012 12:37 pm

Aileen Reilly:
amen. and THIS is a series i cannot wait to follow. love you. xo February 9, 2012 1:14 pm

Melanie Toutai:
Natalie, I echo the so many thousands of others who love you and respect you and thank you for your inspiration and amazingness. But I ask you this, how do you find your authentic self if you haven't yet traveled down those dark roads, or had a horrendous trial? xx Melanie February 9, 2012 2:01 pm

Mickisha:
Thanks for the incredible food for my soul Natalie! As always, you kick my butt off the hamster wheel of life:) I wish you didn't have to go through what you have to become the person that you are at this moment, but you sure are awesome! February 9, 2012 9:20 pm

Erin H.:
Well, you just kinda tugged on that little string that sits inside my heart and spoke directly to me. Wow... good morning! Honestly can't wait to give you a big ol' hug in Vegas. February 10, 2012 5:54 am

wendi solari:
You have GOT to stop making me cry every time I come here! You're killin' me, smalls. I love your words and that you share what you learn, as painful as it may sometimes be. It is a gift you give the rest of us. Have a peaceful weekend. xoxo February 10, 2012 7:56 pm

Emily:
You never fail to do it every.single.time. You help me take a moment and reflect and think and examine my life and who I am and who I ultimately want to be. Thank you, a million times over, for putting yourself out there for my benefit. February 10, 2012 9:49 pm

Lisa:
I've been reading your blog since before Gaven was born but have hardly commented. however, this topic i feel incredibly passionate about. Living an authentic life is truly living. I have discovered this and done and lived more in the past 2 years then i ever even dreamed possible. It's COMPLETELY worth the jump. February 11, 2012 12:10 pm

Oriana:
ok....im admiting something : YOU ARE MORE WISER THAN ANY HUMAN BEING..../other than me.. :) :P February 13, 2012 10:00 am

Liz Shelts:
I can feel a glimmer of what it must have felt like Natalie, your words so expressive so intensely real touch me reading this, with tears streaming I feel your pain, but am truly struck by the beauty you seem to have found discovering yourself through little Gavin's death, I am in awe that someone so little and new had the power to help his mother see herself and truly feel and see herself for the first time, he was definitely sent from GOD! Your Angel!
in his name-
Liz February 13, 2012 12:55 pm

Tricia:
" For all the obvious reasons yes, but for one you rarely think about in specific."
Recently I was struck with fear, worry, & anxiety... Over health scares, the "what ifs" and my greatest fears, something happening to my babies.
I thought mostly about the one thing you referenced most wouldn't. I imagined having to walk away- having to let go... I imagined I would be wailing & I couldn't imagine being able to do it. I am amazed once again by the grace that God has poured out upon you through every mothers worst nightmare. I don't know how you did it. But I'm in awe of your strength, as always... I haven't visited the blog recently... But once again I'm left in tears.... Psalm 91 has been a huge comfort to me through my anxiety & you are a shining example of how God promises to carry us in the palm of His hand. I am living each day, holding my loved ones close, & remembering that none of us are promised tomorrow, and refusing to let fear rule me.
Thank you again, for opening your heart. February 14, 2012 1:18 am

sarah:
I am so sorry for your pain. Your words, and soul brought tears streaming down my face. I will pray for you, and your sweet heart. February 21, 2012 10:40 pm

natalie:
Tricia, God DOES carry us in the palm of his hand. Absolutely. Thank you for this beautiful reminder. And honey, as my mom would say, "don't borrow trouble" worrying about what COULD be. You'll miss out on what IS. And I'm living breathing proof that you simply cannot afford to miss a single second. xo, N February 28, 2012 6:31 pm