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Wednesday, May 16, 2012

As God Pleases, As God Wills

I really struggled to finally write this. But I knew I could put it off no longer.

You can stop praying. My period started last night.

I was expecting it since the weekend, when PMS (emotional symptoms) was FIERCE. I thought it was going to last all week, because I wasn't really expecting my period until later in the week... but it would seem aside from the obvious "I'm not pregnant," my luteal phases are also hovering around 9-10 days.

I shed a tear. Just one. Last night, in bed, after praying the St Rita Novena. I know I shouldn't expect anything more at this point... I allowed myself to go there, to hope, and it was nice. While it lasted. I do not regret the hope.
I do regret publicizing this entire cycle and its "signs," and getting all of YOUR hopes up for me. I shouldn't have asked you to pray. I'm sorry.

I looked at my husband earlier today and told him I just wish we could go to sleep and wake up at age 50. It would be so great!
He said that I should just tell people not to tell me anymore when they have these "feelings" or premonitions. But I said no. I won't do that. If God feels the need to push someone to think about us, or pray for us, or let us know something... who am I to stop them from communicating it? Yes, it hurts more in the long-run. It always hurts more when so much of yourself (and so many others) is invested in the outcome. But I think I can appropriately call myself a Pro at handling suffering now.

There's a reason we were all meant to pray together the past week and a half... and I don't know what it is, but I am SO HUMBLED and SO THANKFUL that it was for little ol' me. Thank you.

I want to put infertility behind me. Clearly that is not "as God pleases, as God wills." And so, like a lesson in obedience, I will continue to follow His lead.

I am new here, too, and I agree with the others: never feel ashamed for having asked for prayer. Or for hoping. I am 44, married almost a year, and today is my CD1. I hate it, too. But praise God!! In all things - in good and bad - just keep praising Him. He has you very close to His heart. God bless you, and your witness. It helps my heart to hear other women express the feelings I have felt so alone in. God is good!!

You are not the only one who goes through it. I cry everytime when my period comes. I have been dealing with infertility for 10 months. All I want is a baby to love and care for. Why do some people can have 10 of them and we can't just have one to love? I just try to put a smile on my face and be positive.. Its Gods time not ours :) Love you and I am praying for you

I think I speak for everyone when I say that not a single person regrets praying for you. And pray we did. And pray we will continue to do. I'm so sad that this particular cycle was a bust for you, but you know what? No prayer is unheard or ineffective. God is outside of time and all of those prayers ARE being channeled in the right direction for you. For whatever cycle that will be the right one. For whatever child that is meant to be yours.

I am so very sorry. I was praying for you and will continue to pray for you. Please don't ever feel badly for telling us about your cycle/signs/hope...God has brought us all together and we are all here to pray for one another through it all...the highs and the lows (damn you CD1s). And besides, regardless of if you tell us about what's going on, we will still pray for you!

Like I said, I have been and will continue to pray for you. You are so awesome and way stronger than you give yourself credit for!

I'm sorry, TCIE. Please don't feel bad for asking us to pray for you. I include you in my prayers all the time, so really it's nothing out of the ordinary :) You are an amazing woman and an inspiration to me.

We will always pray for you and you DH, but honestly first of all I am sorry your emotions feels so trampled on right now. You inspire to want to trust God more, you bring him joy! Your maternal heart is touching thousands of people and like all the great saints before you the desolation can be so very hard but know that in times of sorrow or joy, we will be here (at least in the blog world) for you! Your feelings matter, your dreams matter, and your prayers matter. It is always darkest before the dawn and you have done your spiritual work knowing that God is the sunshine that brings true warmth to your soul!

So sorry! I was praying for you too and do not regret it for one minute. I hate that you apologized for asking us to pray for you. It was an honor and always will be an honor to pray for you. And, I second what JBTC wrote... I will continue to pray and hope for you no matter what... you can't get rid us that easily.

So sorry! I was praying for you too and do not regret it for one minute. I hate that you apologized for asking us to pray for you. It was an honor and always will be an honor to pray for you. And, I second what JBTC wrote... I will continue to pray and hope for you no matter what... you can't get rid us that easily.

I am so very sorry, TCIE...but I am not sorry for praying for you in the least! You should never feel you have to apologize for asking for prayers! Though I am fairly new to your blog and your story, I have gathered that you have been through SO much and your strength in even asking for prayers is inspiring! I will continue to pray that God hold you and Mary will comfort you right now and always!

I am so sorry about CD1. But you, and the other commentors, are right...tons of prayers are never a bad thing...God is definitely doing something with them, even if we can't see it. I am glad you don't regret sharing this with us and asking us to pray. I am honored to pray for you. And by no means do I intend to stop!! :) I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!

Don't regret asking us to pray for you! :) We are all happy to, and really, all were probably already doing so, we just ramped it up. Things come in three - it always takes 3 months of doing something to make a baby, so I am praying that this month was just a titch too early, next month could be it. Hugs.

Second the point that you can't apologize for asking people to pray for you; and, that I'm praying for you anyway. I am troubled by the idea that God wants you to hope continually for something that He does NOT intend to give you. I know God teaches us through suffering; but not through torture. At least, not through torture He imposes - he allows our suffering as a result of personal and material evil, but he never holds the instruments of torture Himself. Maybe there's more to it than that...maybe He demands that you pray for this intention ad nauseum, and then He will fulfill it (or bring some other great grace) for which these prayers are necessary. That's possible. And if you're sure of your way, then keep on (and stop apologizing for asking for our prayers!).

But I have to say - I can't speak to the divine inspiration of any particular people involved in your life. But people have had "God put it on their heart" to tell me things that were absolute BS. Maybe they had eaten some bad Tex-Mex, maybe they felt guilt about something else and displaced it, maybe they felt sympathy for my situation and didn't have the self-restraint to be simply considerate but felt a vain compulsion to dispense advice. But I have had people insist upon praying and advising me in ways that are little short of malicious and NOT the work of a benevolent God, and advise me (and friends) to do things that range from the pointless to the imprudent to the occult, all in the name of acting as God's messengers. Claiming that mantle is a very engaging temptation for Christians. I would take another person's claim to bear me a message from God (however evidently sincere) with a very, very hefty grain of salt. You never know what errors in interpretation or formation may have informed their conclusions. Kind of them to offer, but you have to use your own judgment. And if you are, then, of course, Godspeed.

Praying and thinking of you regardless the outcome. For a baby, for strength to deal with your lot. You're an inspiration to me. I think of you often even though I do not know you!"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see"

I'm so sorry! You have always been in my thoughts and prayers! I will continue to pray for you in a special way!

My hubby and I would love to be able to concieve too. But I am 45 now. We will be celebrating our 5th anniversary June 16th, 2012. I have endometriosis and two surgeries behind me. Still, despite all the surgeries, praying, and hoping we still haven't been able to concieve! I keep wondering, what is God's will for us? Should we keep trying, hoping, and praying? I feel so disapointed and discouraged.