This is a place where I can post family updates and ramble about things as I try to find my way since the recent death of my daughter. Life has completely changed for my sons, my husband and myself. Our faith has been a great source of comfort and we'll continue to rely on it as we press forward.

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The Story of Christmas & Silly Socks

Saturday, May 22, 2010

I was getting tired of the same-ol thing and wanted something to cheer me up so I changed the background on both this blog and my craft blog. I find it to be quite cheery.

So here's a quick update on us:

Karl is still working hard, Justen and Ravyn are still blissfully married and have stars in their eyes, Brandon is finishing up his junior year and did a tremendous job as "Felix Unger" in "The Odd Couple". He sure has a talent! I hope to add photos of this play soon. I even got a few short clips! Austin is about to graduate or "promote" as they are calling it now from middle school to High School. I can't believe my youngest child will be in HIGH SCHOOL!!! When, oh when did they grow up? I still remember when I had one in preschool, one in elementary, one in middle school and one in high school! Boy, that was quite a year having them all in different schools and going and coming at all different times. Now I only have two left in school. Anyway, we are looking forward to a productive summer. Austin and Brandon plan on working on scouting projects and other fun things.

Jessica will be 22 years old on June 3rd! I can't hardly believe it. We are planning a party on June 4th (Friday) so if you are in the area and want to come, email me at fancydancycrafts @ cox . net (no spaces). Or if you'd like to send her a card, email me. *smile*

Unfortunately Jessica is still having a lot of pain. The new medication seems to be helping some and I think that her belly is definitely softer, but she is still in pain. She has been eating less the past few days and she looks bluer. She told me that she felt palpitations (she opens and closes her hand really big to explain what it feels like) so I put her on the pulse-ox and her heart rate looked good but her oxygen sats only went up to 67% at rest. (Her goal is 77% - 78% and normal is: 96% - 100%) That is also on 3 lts of oxygen... she always has it on and we always measure her sats with it on. The oxygen can help bring her sats up by 5% - 10% so it's worth it to keep it on... but it can only do so much.

I've had a few dreams lately, one was yesterday while Jessica and I were sleeping, and I dreamed that Jessica had died. I hurt with my whole being. I wanted to desperately to hold her, kiss her and see her smiling face. As I was waking up my body was hurting from my fibromyalgia so I didn't want to wake up but my heart was hurting so badly that I didn't want to stay asleep. I know that I'll feel that anguish one day and I won't be able to go into her room, wake her up and hold her. I hate having to go through this grieving before she is even gone. And I hate seeing such a beautiful young lady (aka: baby girl) suffering so much pain every day. Sometimes I just want to scream: "My baby is dying!!! She's in pain and I want that pain to end! But I don't want her to go!" I was crying a little as I was waking up thinking, "I'm not ready for her to die.... I'm just not ready!" But when will I be ready? I lie and tell her that I will be fine and for her to go ahead and go to heaven when it's her time. I put on a brave face and hold her as she tells me that she wishes that she was already in heaven with Marcus (her cousin who died 1 1/2 years ago) and Donna (our next-door neighbor who died last Nov) because that way she won't be in pain any more. She tells me that she wants me to make a game room out of her room so that her brothers can go in there and play games, watch tv and remember her. What's odd is that she has always been so protective of her room that she would never let her brothers even step foot in it without yelling at them! But the last year or so if she has been watching something on her tv and one of her brothers has stepped in to ask her something and gotten interested in her tv, she has invited them to sit down and watch it with her. I think that's pretty cool. She knows and yet she doesn't. She seems to get reality and fantasy mixed up more and more. She asks complicated questions and doesn't understand the answers and she repeats things multiple times not realizing that she's told me 3 times already. Oxygen deprivation is a terrible thing.

Oh, did I forget to update what is going on with me? Well, let's see. I've made a few cards (my creative therapy) and have managed to clutter up my whole craft room! LOL I've reconnected with some ooold friends on facebook. One good friend from college and one from high school. It's like we've picked up just where we left off. Actually, my friend from college called me. It was great to hear her voice again! It's been about 10 years since I last saw her and 12 years since I saw her kids. My friend from high school... let's see, it's been ... since I first started college since I last saw him. I don't think I'm going to put how many years that's been. HAHA! But it was great to tell him about my family and to find out about his. Boy, life is sure different than what we had in mind way back then.... but ya know what? It's still good. I grieve and care for a dying "child" but she brings me so many blessings that I can't even count them all. My husband is the absolute BESTEST and my sons are quite amazing. I see them growing and changing. I've had quite a few great talks with them one-on-one or even together. I love it that they feel then can trust me. Brandon wrote something so sweet on my fb page. I sure love that kid! I posted that I was going through a mid-life/identity crisis. He told me how much he appreciated me being his mom and that he can't even imagine not having me as his mom. He actually posted that on my fb wall for all the world to see. Not too many 16 yr old boys will do that. :-) My other sons tell me they appreciate me and that they love me too. I also have a daughter-in-law who tells me that she loves me and what a neat thing that is! I'm also trying to organize my house. I just need a back-ho and a huge garbage bin out front. LOL I want to make my house a haven. I also need it to be presentable for guests in 2 weeks! *gasp!* Thankfully Karl will have a few days off right before the party so he can help do the yard work and get our gazebo lights and fountain working again. (and take care of weeds, etc, etc) I just wish my body didn't hurt so much, could sleep when I'm actually in bed and that my allergies hadn't kicked in and caused my sinus problems. It would help me with all those goals. ;-)

Please continue to keep Jessica in your prayers. We want her to have a great birthday! She has told me several times, "What if I have a bad tummy ache on my birthday?" and "I want to be able to eat some of my birthday cake at my party... what if my tummy hurts too bad?" Of course we always think that this could be her last birthday, but if things continue going down-hill like they are.... I'd really hate to see how bad she would be a year from now. So all good thoughts and prayers are welcomed. Thank you for visiting!