Assh*les Unite Against Sodomy

Richmond, Virginia: Yesterday, Virginia Attorney General Ken Cuccinelli organized a rally in front of the state court house in support of anti-sodomy laws. Cuccinelli reached out to groups all over the country in order to bring together the largest showing of assholes to date.

“We really got in there, you know?” stated one of Cuccinelli’s aides. “Just kind of dug in and sort of got into all the recesses. Yeah, we got a bit dirty, but was it worth it? I think so.”

The law in question in Virginia was called the “Crimes against Nature” law, which outlawed anal and oral intercourse as well as sex with anyone under the age of 17. Concerns had been raised as to whether striking down the law would leave those younger than 17 vulnerable to predators. A common argument was to increase the age of consent, but the argument held little appeal to the real victims: the assholes.

Cuccinelli himself addressed the crowd, mounting the podium and addressing the audience in the language in the language of their people. “Pbbbbtttttt pbt pbttt pbbbbbbbbbb”. He concluded his speech with an emotional series of squelching sounds.

Cuccinelli’s argument had widespread asshole appeal. His issue, as he puts it, isn’t with homosexuality, but with homosexual acts, which go against “natural law.” This presents an ideal solution: platonic homosexuals. That is, homosexuality without all the troublesome actions.

In truth, Cuccinelli is concerned for his people. Assholes have a unique stake in the case of anal intercourse and are closely acquainted with the physical and emotional damage it can do. Though this demographic has been, at times, difficult to get into motion, with people like Cuccinelli putting pressure on, the movement has been more regular than ever.

The movement, called Get Anal About Sodomy, or GAAS, attracted a number of prominent assholes to the rally. Among them was neurosurgeon Dr. Ben Carson, who demonstrated his proficiency in the field of proctology by asserting that homosexuals do not have the right to change the definition of marriage.

When given a chance to speak to the rally, he told the crowd, emphatically, “ffffffffrrrrrrrrrrp!”

Another prominent asshole, Sue Everhart, head of the Georgia Republican party, was in attendance. She famously pronounced her support of the asshole cause by saying if same-sex marriage were natural, then gay couples would have the “equipment” to carry out a sexual relationship. This also offered a glimpse into the sex life of Georgia Republicans.

Her turn came after Dr. Carson, and she ended her speech with a loud “brrrt!” that set the crowd flapping.