Thursday, January 29, 2015

Rebellion is a dish best served lukewarm.

Have you ever woken up in the morning determined to take life by the balls, only to realize that life is a woman and she owns you completely, at which point you surrender in short order?

Me too.

Still, that doesn't stop us all from pretending we're heroes in our own personal narratives, or that we have any measure of control over the vicissitudes of existence. Take the videos of Lucas Brunelle, daredevil cinematographer and expert bike handler:

He and Benny Zenga have collabo-ated on yet another video, this one entitled "Road Sage," to which I was alerted by the latter party:

I think you'll enjoy this one. Advanced perspective transcendent urban cycling -or- suicidal tendencies cyco-vision. At any rate, it’s a nudge to forgo being a spectator and go for a bike ride.Thanks,Benny

And which, mere moments before press time, seems to have mysteriously and inconveniently disappeared after I went through the trouble of taking screenshots and everything:

I cannot stand the smug error messages you get from websites. "Sorry, there seems to be like a problem, dude. We're totally working on it and stuff." Fuck you. I especially can't stand them when they suggest that something I watched with my own goddamn eyes just moments ago may not have ever existed, because that's both flippant and Orwellian.

This didn't happen back when we used VHS, even if we did have to constantly futz with the tracking.

Anyway, the video starts thusly:

If I may offer the filmmakers a word of advice, you should really stop with the whole dictionary definition opening title thing, because it's trite:

trite adjective \ˈtrīt\: not interesting or effective because of being used too often : not fresh or original

In fact, the above descriptor applies to the entire video, which could be why they deleted it. Predictably, it features all the usual hallmarks of Lucas Brunelle's work. There's the skitching:

The obligatory "Ooh, they ran a light in front of a cop, take that, system!" clip:

The "elbowing your way through a yellow cab Malachi Crunch like a dumbass" maneuver:

Of course, before you fondle a motor vehicle you should always engage in a bit of foreplay. For example, try mounting the sidewalk:

Skidding in front of an elderly pedestrian:

And then groping the bus:

He sure showed that old guy and that bus who wears the "jorts" around there.

Speaking of urban cycling clichés, there's even fixed-gear freestyle, which means Brunelle must have been sitting on some stale footage from 2008:

To be perfectly honest I kind of miss fixed-gear freestyling. Those people used to get sooo defensive when you'd tell them how stupid it was, and somehow they managed to live in complete denial of both BMX and artistic cycling for a good year or two. Then, all of a sudden, they all gave up and bought road bikes--though evidence of the "sport" lives on in videos made by aging people struggling to remain relevant, like this one.

Check out these duders falling all over themselves in traffic like a bunch of Cat 5s (probably because most alleycat racers are Cat 5s):

And thrill to this flagrant salmoning:

At this point I started getting bored, so I skipped ahead to some of the rider interviews, and those made my brain hurt so I gave up.

Now the video's gone.

Sigh...

Speaking of adrenaline-charged thrill rides, a reader informed me of this commercial for the 577-horsepower Mercedes AMG Über-Teutonic SpörtzVagen complete with MILF-Drive and Wank-O-Tronik paddle shifters:

Which the woman in the commercial uses to get to a spin class:

You'd think that if you wanted some exercise on a lovely autumn day you could just ride a bike outside instead of driving to an indoor spin class. Then again, the roads are probably too dangerous for that, thanks to all those rich suburbanites rushing to spin class in their supercharged luxury cars.

I think you call that "irony."

As for me, you won't find me in spin class. I do exercise inside though, and I've been using this workout to good effect (via another reader):

First off, I will gladly take a courtesy cunt. Secondly, my city is having their first ever stupid alleycat race. We are always late to the party, which should have ended before it even began. Note: it is a relatively small southern city, with absolutely zero bike messengers in employment. Thirdly, as soon as that guy started wrapping that band around his neck in the workout video, I thought he was going to start jerking off and be one of those guys. A little too weird for me. There has to be an easier way to choke yourself

Snob, i was going to admonish you for suggesting the E63 wagon was force fed, but you are correct, twin turbo.

When did they do that? the old 6.3 was naturally aspirated.

regardless, the E55 wagon is where its at anyway. well, that and the CTS-V wagon. that thing is a BEAST. BEAST i tell you.

stupid EPA/CAFE standards are turning every engine into a small displacement turbo. or a stupid electric fire hazard like tesla. Thank you very little obama.

i drove the new porsche 991 turbo S recently with its 560hp and can report that its a freaking snooze fest. these new cars all handle too well. they ARE very fast, but they dont FEEL fast at all.

the rental chevy sonic i had this week was MORE fun than that stupid VW BEETLE/Poorshe.

the other problem is weight. all the new standards for safety and all the crap technology make them all pigs. and no matter how much horsepower all that weight is just too much to overcome.

this from the idiot who has been seriously considering a CL600 twin turbo V12 that weighs as much as an aircraft carrier. and is also probably full of the same amount of sea mans from the previous owner. because if you have a V12 CL you will GET SOME.

Morning!! Love to stay and chat, but gotta get going! Me and my “aging” mates have another impossibly challenging day ahead of us …our struggle to remain relevant. “Relevant: having some bearing on or importance for real-world issues.” But first, a short ride over to the cafe for coffee and doughnuts…

does the workout guy have a watterbottle in his shorts? i guess you'd call those shorts right?

funny enough, i know a fellow here in town is trying to "launch" a brand of workout "straps". basically super strong material like a firehose that you can tie around random heavy shit. like found art meets the gym. he also has a similar fucking absurd video that is very cringe worthy.

i swear i'm not trying to promote this. i would NEVER recommend this to anyone. i would only recommend the sales video - particularly the "team building synergy" portion

Crosspalms for early COD.Wrap up on Colorado Springs highlights: Poor Richards pizza, Shuga's for drinks and the Adams Mountain Cafe for breakfast.Snob: I'm with RCT and others from yesterday who suggested you market a Tshirt. It took me ten years to pay off my daughter's private college education and it will probably be 50G by the time Lil' Snob is headed there if not more.Put the Tshirt proceeds into a Vanguard index Fund or marijuana dispensaries and hopefully you'll be okay in the future.

You'd think that if you wanted some exercise on a lovely autumn day you could just ride a bike outside instead of driving to an indoor spin class.

Isn't it obvious? You can't get put on the front row at the spin class if you are riding around the dangerous streets. Because, maintaining/dominating social rank is their job.

And what kind of rock or bridge have you been living under? THE STREETS AREN'T SAFE!!!!! ####If you ask questions to figure out exactly what they are afraid of, the conversation goes nowhere and you are the one with a problem.

Oh now I see why all afternoon my dog has been singing a Freddy Mercury/Lucas Brunelle mash-up homage:

"I want to ride my trite-cycle, I want to ride real trite."

I tried to explain that fat headed goys do not make the rocking world go round, but he wasn't listening.

As for squeezing between cabs, heck anyone riding a Citibike this morning would have done that (and not necessarily by choice) due to the lingering road slush narrowing our arteries like a day old Krispy Kreme.

Haven't pee-rused bsnyc in a while. Disheartening to see readers (or at least the commenters) seem to have forgotten (never knew?) the blog is intended to be light-hearted and fun. We all, regardless of our chosen mode of transport, need to be able to laugh at ourselves. That's why I love the BS. Don't the commenters realize the guy in the last video was just having fun a little fun poking fun at a lot of the wacky "fitness" videos? Reminds me of the republican viewers who actually thought Colbert was "real" Lighten up folks! Not everyone takes themselves as seriously as you do!

A womanwass being evaluated by the cia as a potential assassin...as a final test of obedience, she is given a gun & told to enter the next room & shoot the man at the table. (only obedience was being tested...the bullets were blanks. The cia examiners stood outside the room & listened. Immediately, there were 2 shots, followed by some shouts and the sound of a struggle, ending with some loud thumps. The woman walked out of the room bruised & disheveled.

"What happened in there?", she was asked.

"That lousy gun had blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair"

In the good old days, God would have rained fire and brimstone down upon that Transverse Abominable/Gluteal/Hamstring/Lat/ Forehead Mobilt Sinner, and the world would most surely be a better place. Amen.

She is running late for spin class so of course there is a parking spot right in front of the front door.... because apparently everyone rode their bike to get to spin class. I feel like having a good suicide.

Thank you for the fantastic article. A great place to get information on this topic. I have a presentation next week, and I am searching for such information.I have some some other great resources on the topic belowwww.spinbikesexpert.com

About Me

While I love cycling and embrace it in all its forms, I'm also extremely critical. So I present to you my venting for your amusement and betterment. No offense meant to the critiqued. Always keep riding!