Last Sunday I posted some links about Kentucky Fried Chicken and I realized I haven't had any of their fried chicken for decades, so it seemed like the perfect fit to go and sample some KFC food for this week’s edition of Fast Food Friday. Cluck yeah!

Fast Facts

Usually the nutritional information is listed on the website of the fast food restaurant. KFC has a calculator where you have to put in every individual item and then it calculates everything. The first pull down menu didn’t have the Three Piece Big Box Meal and it was real confusing trying to find all of the items and it really pissed me off so I just clicked the fucking thing off and went and checked my facecrack page for the 300,734th time of the day to see how many likes my latest post got. Suffice it to say that this food has a shit-ton of fat and sodium in it and it’s about as healthy as eating a brimming bowl of ass cancer topped off with two scoops of dirt from John Keats’ grave. Oh and the cost of the Three Piece Big Box Meal is $8.54.

How Fast Is It Really?

It only took three minutes which is pretty fast, but did you see how bright the fucking sun is today? It’s brighter than a precocious child overdosing on Ritalin and that’s just one of the many things I hate about this time of day that some people refer to as, “daytime.”

The Myth

This is how the Three Piece Big Box Meal looks on the KFC website. I find it strange that they don’t picture it in a box, but at least it’s not a fucking calculator so I guess it’s got that going for it.

The Reality

The Cole Slaw

There’s actually four components in the Big Box Meal, the cole slaw, mashed potatoes and gravy, a biscuit and three pieces of chicken. I thought we’d review each component separately and I started off with the cole slaw. This is very tasty cole slaw and it’s prepared just the way I like it, really crispy and crunchy and just a hint of sweetness. This is actually some of the best cole slaw I’ve ever had, so we’re off on a good start!

The Biscuit

Okay, things went slightly downhill with the biscuit. The first thing I tasted was salt and that’s not what I expect to taste when I bite into a biscuit. The next thing I tasted was quite a weird moment, this is going to sound strange, but it tasted like the smell of a house being built. I swear I’m not making this up. You know that smell of paint and dust that’s in the air when a house is being built? That’s what this biscuit tasted like and it kind of freaked me out feeling like a construction site was going on in my mouth so I put the biscuit down and promptly moved on to the next component in the box.

The Mashed Potatoes and Gravy

At first glance when you pop the lid off of the individual serving of mashed potatoes and gravy in the big box meal, it looks like a layer of shiny diarrhea mucus jelly on top of some sort of a white substance. I reluctantly put a forkful of this concoction in my mouth and it literally had no taste and the consistency of it was like warm snow. It was like eating nothing but the sight of the shiny diarrhea mucus jelly made me realize that this was like eating an episode of Seinfeld that had a bad intestinal problem combined with a cold. Not a pleasant dining moment at all. Time to try the chicken.

The Chicken

The first thing you taste when you bite into the KFC chicken is the crust which pretty much just tastes like salt. It was kind of a biscuit déjà vu moment. They claim that the crust is made with 11 herbs and spices. Well after the first bite I think that six of the spices are salt and that the remaining five herbs are also salt. The chicken itself isn’t horrible but it’s really greasy and there’s a scary layer of chicken fat on the bottom. So if you enjoy salt, grease and chicken fat, congratulations, you’ve hit the taste bud lottery.

Is This Shit Really Finger-Licking Good?

If you like licking grease off of your fingers, then it truly is. Personally I ran to the bathroom and put the hand sanitizer bottle to good use!

Fast Food Rating (Four Fingers Down The Throat Is The Worst, None Is The Best)

Two fingers down the throat—This wasn’t the most horrific thing I’ve eaten while sampling fast food (I don’t think anything will ever beat this) but the chicken was really greasy and salty. However the cole slaw was very good and at least the rest of it wasn’t a calculator, so it’s go that going for it. We’ll see you all tomorrow!