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This week I went shopping with my girlfriend and for the first time it wasn’t a horribly isolating and depressing experience. That was because we weren’t there for me. My girlfriend had spotted a pair of boots that she wanted to buy and she brought me with her to pick them up. She tried them on but wasn’t convinced she liked them. I didn’t think they were that great. While she was trying them on I spotted two pairs of boots and two pairs of heels that I liked. She asked for my opinion on the boots and I told her they were “alright.” She didn’t take them. She was starting to look around. Then I made a mistake.

“Why don’t you take something like this,” I said, pointing out one of the two pairs of boots I liked. She tried them on and liked them so she bought them. I felt a little sad. I couldn’t afford the boots. Even if I could afford the boots she wouldn’t let me wear them when we are together which wouldn’t be so big a problem except we are always together. It was fine though, I was happy she found a pair of boots she liked and even proud that she took my opinion into consideration.

When we got home she got to try on the boots and walk around with them to make sure she still liked them. Then she got to show them off to her friends. That’s when I started to feel robbed. I did the leg work. I found the boots. My girlfriend got to buy them and wear them. She got to model them for her friends. I didn’t get to do any of that. All because I am not viewed as a woman by them. Not that I believe shopping or trying on clothes is inherent or exclusive to women. I know plenty of men who shop as much or more than some women I know. But who would let me model a new pair of boots for them or any clothes meant for women.

“Why would they want to know about that?” my girlfriend said to me one day making it clear that everyone we had told disliked the fact that I am trans. I have been robbed of an experience that I am forced to watch my girlfriend enjoy and all because to most people, I am a man. I am not, though. I am a woman, even if no one can see it.

I am in that state in my relationship and transition where I am trying to negotiate with my needs and my partner’s needs to try to find some middle ground where the relationship can survive but both our needs are met. I’m sure many have been here and there are many success stories and many break ups, so I won’t go into much detail. She doesn’t want to be dating a trans woman but she doesn’t want to break up. I can do or dress however I want as long as I keep it away from her. This is among the reasons why I have been living most of my time as Male even though I am trans and Identify as a woman.

I recently asked her to take me shopping for only the third or fourth time. I need to go with her because I don’t feel comfortable looking at female clothes without a person who is perceived as a woman around. I would take a friend but I have exactly one real friend in town and he is male and doesn’t know I’m trans, yet.

I was excited. I was looking for a new jacket for the upcoming winter season and some jeans to go with a pair booties I had recently purchased. So I was on my way to buy clothes that she wouldn’t let me wear in front of her. We had just entered the store when she started acting differently. She kept walking away from me while we were trying to look at clothes. She kept her back to me nearly the entire time. Every time I tried to get near her she would walk away faster. She hardly said anything. I wasn’t really able to look at the clothes because I spent the entire time trying to walk beside her and she spent the entire time trying to get away from me.

This wasn’t the first time it has happened either. While shopping before she always tries to distance herself from me. She often refuses to hold my hand or even stand next to me. Which both makes me feel isolated but also kind of negates one of the main purposes of having her there with me. This usually ends with me upset and discouraged from ever going shopping again (though I usually go back after a while) and I often end up just ordering things online.

(In case you are curious, I ended up ordering a pair of jeans of the internet but because the sizing system was confusing I ordered two sizes too large. The second order fit well. I’m still waiting on the jacket. It should be here fairly soon)