Bad mood

It’s a long time, for me, since I’ve felt suicidal. All I can feel right now is a sort of shaky strength. If I can’t change my life, I’m going to have to end it.

Living with my mother has become impossible. I’ve tried to be polite about it, tried to think of it as ‘family problems’, but the truth is that if I lived with just my dad and brother, it’d be okay. We’d fall out sometimes and I’d sometimes feel left out or irritated, but I wouldn’t be constantly spinning round like a catherine wheel, angry and frustrated and dangerous and going nowhere.

She says my dad’s poisoned me against her. When I suggest we all try to get on, she says I’m only saying that because he’s brainwashed me. She says I don’t understand. She says my dad is evil and my brother is evil and she doesn’t even credit me with the independence of thought for evil, I’m just an unthinking devotee.

She wants me to take her side. She always wants to hug me, but I don’t let her. I feel mean and cruel but she makes me so angry, I can’t comfort her like she wants me to. She tries to placate me, saying “I’m not angry with you“, but that means it’s her who doesn’t understand. She yells and screams and cries and calls everyone bastards and refuses to have a civil conversation with anyone and she says she wants to die, she says living here makes her want to die, and she thinks that’s not going to affect me because it’s usually directed at my dad and brother rather than at me (apart, of course, from all the times when it is directed at me).

It makes me shaky and nervous and afraid. It makes me hide in my room because I can’t handle all the conflict. It makes me lock myself in the bathroom and take deep breaths as my vision swims. No matter what I say, no matter what I do, I can’t get through to her. She still thinks she’s in the right, and that the whole world is out to get her.

I can’t really cope, when things are like this. I fantasise about stabbing myself, about jumping off bridges, about every method of suicide I can imagine. I fantasise about destroying myself because I’m not allowed to express any anger so it all gets turned inward and I want to tear myself to pieces.

I want to move out, but I’m too scared. It’s sort of reaching a point where it’s move or die, but I’m still indecisive. If I even mention moving out, everyone gets offended. I don’t know if I’d cope, living alone. I gave up driving so I’d have to get endless buses and taxis, and that means being organised and spending money and making plans, and I don’t always feel capable of that. And I just don’t know how to go about moving out. I know it sounds stupid and ridiculous but I wouldn’t know exactly what to do and the sense of the unknown makes me panic.

If I move out, and my family are offended and don’t speak to me anymore, I know it’d be partly good, because I wouldn’t have to deal with my mum, but also it’d be bad. Because it’d mean I’d have no-one. Literally, no-one. My family aren’t perfect but they’re the only people in the world who’d notice if I was dead, and without them maybe there’d be no difference in the world if I live or die anyway.

I’m such a fucking idiot. I just don’t know how to keep living. I know it’s largely a good thing that I sort of feel like staying alive is something to aim for. It’s just, I can’t live like this, and changing my life seems to be a lot more complicated and terrifying than just killing myself.

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Hello

My name is Laura. I was once told that I have cyclothymia. This blog is mostly where I write about living as a person with extremes and instability of mood, and the history of a life that led to the development of those symptoms.

I complain a lot, I'm very repetitive, unreliable, and I tend to contradict myself.

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