Script

Gay Men Will Marry Your Girlfriends

By Dan Gurewitch

INT. VARIOUS LOCATIONS - DAY
GUYS 1-5 address camera, each in a different location:
LIVING ROOM, BEDROOM, KITCHEN, GARDEN and GYM. They're all
handsome, cut, well-dressed men. Extraordinarily confident.
LIVING ROOM GUY
Over time, Americans are becoming
more comfortable with the idea of
gay marriage, seeing it as both a
moral and civil rights issue.
BEDROOM GUY
But there are still many out there
who are fighting against the
cause.
KITCHEN GUY
And as gay men ourselves, we would
just like to say to those people:
fine. Keep marriage between a man
and a woman. And in response, we
will marry your girlfriends.
GARDEN GUY
We'll marry your girlfriends.
GYM GUY
What, you don't think we could?
LIVING ROOM GUY
We'd be the best husbands EVER.
BEDROOM GUY
Have you seen us? We are ripped.
KITCHEN GUY
All of us are ripped. It doesn't
seem statistically possible, and
yet it's true.
GYM GUY
(finishing his last REP)
Because we love going to the gym.
You know who else loves going to
the gym? Your girlfriend.
GARDEN GUY
We will go to the gym with her, and
then after we'll get Pinkberry as a
reward. That sounds like a great
time to us.
LIVING ROOM
Not to mention we dress better than
you. While you were spilling
Manwich on your cargo shorts, we
were inspecting our Oxford shirts
for the craftsmanship of their
gauntlet buttons.
He gestures to a NEATLY LAID-OUT series of OXFORD SHIRTS.
BEDROOM GUY
What do you make your girlfriend
for breakfast, burnt scrambled
eggs? We will make her a quiche.
GARDEN GUY
A motherfucking quiche.
KITCHEN GUY
(showing off FRESH HUMMUS)
With a side of hummus we made from
scratch. Do you even know the
difference between hummus and baba
ganoush? You're a joke.
GYM GUY
And don't even get us started on
dates.
LIVING ROOM GUY
You don't want to go dancing? We
teach a dance class.
GARDEN GUY
Urban Tango.
BEDROOM GUY
You're not on the list for that art
gallery opening? Hold on, we'll BBM
the owner.
GARDEN GUY
Maurice.
KITCHEN GUY
Not in the mood to go to that
Broadway show? We are.
GARDEN GUY
We're IN it.
GYM GUY
Yes we would like to go to that 80s
themed costume party, and no,¬† we
weren't just checking out that
other girl.
LIVING ROOM GUY
Obviously.
BEDROOM GUY
Ew.
KITCHEN GUY
Hummus is chickpeas, baba ganoush
is eggplant. Jesus.
GARDEN GUY
Ever notice how girls always have
us as roommates? That's because
we're incredibly clean and
amazingly fun.
KITCHEN GUY
(yelling over "CALL YOUR
GIRLFRIEND," doing dishes)
We blast Robyn while we make dishes
spotless!
GYM GUY
We're like Mary Poppins with a six
pack.
LIVING ROOM GUY
You don't want to watch her
favorite Bravo shows? We do, and
afterward, we want to talk about
it.
GARDEN GUY
And the only thing we love more
than talking is listening.
KITCHEN GUY
We could listen to your girlfriend
for hours, just reassuring her that
she's not the crazy one, and that
she's totally, 100% right.
BEDROOM GUY
Cassandra is being a bitch.
LIVING ROOM GUY
Also, her dad loves us.
GYM GUY
That's because he's not threatened
by us. In fact, we're playing
squash with him right now.
(LOSING A SQUASH POINT against
an OLDER MAN)
Well PLAYED, Mr. Bennett!
KITCHEN GUY
Now you're probably thinking, sex -
that's where you have us beat.
BEDROOM GUY
(making a "buzzer" sound)
EEEHHHHH!
GYM GUY
We already know how she likes to be
kissed. She thinks it's funny to
make out with us when she's drunk.
BEDROOM GUY
And you know all those sweet spots,
preferences and fantasies that
she's too embarrassed to tell you
or thinks you should innately know?
GARDEN GUY
Yeah, she's told us.
GYM GUY
We even helped her come up with
some.
LIVING ROOM GUY
We could play her like an upright
bass.
KITCHEN GUY
And the kind of threesome she
wants?
Reveal that Bedroom Guy is in bed with a woman AND man.
BEDROOM GUY
Oh, we're cool with that.
KITCHEN GUY
As if all this isn't enough, we're
the shoulder your girlfriend cries
on when she complains about you. We
know literally all of your
weaknesses.
GYM GUY
You are Death Stars, and we are an
army of fabulous Luke Skywalkers.
LIVING ROOM GUY
So remember: we're doing you a huge
solid by being more attracted to
each other than to your
girlfriends.
BEDROOM GUY
But if you stay close-minded about
this, we will take one for the team
and marry the crap out of them.
KITCHEN GUY
So don't make us marry your
girlfriends. Support gay marriage.
END.