4. Dorky Darth Vader Wannabe, Cartoon Emperor

This one will be pretty clear-cut. We’ll pit the villains of Episode I against VII’s crappy, “new” rip-offs of the villains from IV. It’s the I vs. VII Villain Showdown:Ep. I:The original trilogy’s Emperor, who already gave us nightmares, Darth Sidious:

You may think he's just listening disappointedly; he's actually concentrating to find 5 new ways to Force-kill you, including Force Crucifixion, Force Disintegration and Force Castration! Fine: Force Slice and Force Disembowelment. I know you were wondering.

This guy sucks. He seriously, seriously sucks. He’s so lame a villain I can still feel him sucking even when I’m not looking at him. He is both the reason that Vader doesn’t remove his mask and that Darth Maul barely speaks.

5. Sooooo Many Unanswered Questions

Phantom Menace had one unanswered question, at the end, on purpose, to set up the sequel: "But which one did we destroy? The master or the apprentice?" Only it wasn’t unanswered, because we all knew. Ok, well, that and, "Why doesn't 3PO remember Obi-Wan in IV?" and, "Why isn't this movie better?" So that's 3, then. Now, it seems that The Force Awakens, on the other hand, has adopted this annoying new trend in filmmaking, introduced by Terminator Genisys, called, “I dunno. We’ll answer that in the sequel, probably.” It’s where important, plot-necessary questions just plain aren’t answered. Questions like, in Force Awakens…

-Why isn’t this movie better?

-Why does Poe have so much screen-time?

-Why does Poe’s grandpa or whatever have the secret puzzle piece to the map of Luke Skywalker?

-Why is there a secret puzzle piece map to Luke Skywalker, like it’s Banjo Kazooie or something? That’s really dumb. And for that matter…

-Who the eff cares about Luke Skywalker, anyway? For one thing, if you want to put him in the movie, then effing do it. Giving him a 30-second cameo at the end isn’t some kind of awesome teaser… it’s just stupid. Second, WHY DID THEY TURN STAR WARS INTO EFFING WHERE’S WALDO? Do we care where Luke is? There’s a war going on! First Order is blowing up ENTIRE EFFING SOLAR SOLAR SYSTEMS!!! If Winston Churchill went missing during World War II, would the all the Allies stop fighting Nazi’s and go look for him? Well, I guess they weren’t looking for Luke once planets started blowing up, but it said at the beginning that it was important for some reason… Wait a minute…

-What the hell is this movie about, anyway? At first, the Resistance and First Order are desperately seeking Luke because… who the eff knows? Then, First Order is like, “Meh, eff it. Let’s blow up planets instead.” Then, instead of anyone being all, “Oh, man. Those poor 800 quadrillion people who just died…” they’re like, “Hey Leia, you changed your hair!" and, "Remember how Kylo is our son?” “Hey, where’s Rey?” “Let’s blow up the Death Star!” “I can disable the shields.” “I lied, I can’t disable the shields. I’m sure it’s fine. We’ll figure it out.” “I escaped somehow. Let’s go.” Where the hell did the plot go? I thought we were looking for Luke Skywalker; how did we get to blowing up the Death Star? I keep trying to follow the main characters, but there aren’t any. No character’s decisions are guiding this movie! It’s just a bunch of random events happening around this handful of people, who really aren’t any more important to these events than anyone else.

-Again, how the eff did “Old Man” Han and “New Jar Jar” Finn, with no plan whatsoever, manage to locate that one, specific silver stormtrooper captain in a space station the size of an effing planet, capture her and get her to shut off the shield, all before sunset when the Rebel base was to be destroyed? And when Han and Finn are, like, “Turn off the shields and we’ll throw you in a trash compacter,” she’s just, like, “Ok.” What the eff?

-Why does Kylo Ren think Darth Vader’s melted face is talking to him?

-Wait a minute… How the hell did he get Vader’s head? They cremated him at the end of Return of the Jedi. Why does his helmet/head still exist? Is their cremation technology that bad? Did they get halfway through and then be, like, “Eff it, there’s a dumpster over there.”?

-Han says Maz can help get BB-8 to the Resistance, but… why? They already have a ship and the location of the resistance. Why don’t they take BB-8 themselves? Because Han Solo is scared of Leia? Are you effing kidding me???

-Why would a stormtrooper cast aside his blaster in the middle of a battle to start fighting with a stick?

​“He has a melee weapon, I should have a melee weapon, right? Yeah… Yeah! This makes way more sense!”

-If there’s a nation of Imperial loyalists dressed like stormtroopers, why don’t they just call themselves “the Empire” instead of “First Order?” That’s like a tan/gray-clad, goose-stepping army with swastika armbands preaching of the Master Race saying, “No, no! Of course we’re not Nazis. We call ourselves the ‘Freedom Warriors.’ It’s tooooootally different.”

-For that matter, why not just call it the Death Star and call the movie “A New Hope” and call this “sequel” what it really is, “a crappy remake?”

-Why didn’t they make a real sequel with an original story? -And what exactly is the Force “awakening” from? Was it sleeping? Because nobody in the movie seems to mention anything about this, except this “conversation” between Snoke and Kylo:SNOKE: There has been an awakening. Have you felt it?KYLO: Yup.Okaaaay… -They also fail to mention anything that’s happened in the last 30 years except that Han and Leia had a son who killed some Jedi, and the good guys really suck at disbanding the Empire.

-Really? That’s all that’s happened? To the universe?? In 30 years??? For two:

-How is the Republic (or whatever they called the space government in this movie) this bad at preventing terrorism in the universe? Wait, no, back up. -Why is the Republic this bad at defense in general? This movie has them all sitting together, waiting to be destroyed, together, WITH NO EFFING DEFENSE AT ALL!!! Remember the last time somebody bombed the U.S. Congress while it’s in session? That’s right, it has never happened, because we have security measures like not letting planes nearby and not letting suicide bombers walk into the building. It’s not like this is unprecedented technology, this is the third effing time they’ve built a Death Star! And this time, they’ve had 30 years to prepare! Not only did they spend that time not coming up with a defense against this weapon, or a preventative strategy, like assembling via hologram instead of physically—a technology they’ve demonstrated in EVERY SINGLE FILM—but they also drop the ball on the most obvious and time-tested of strategies: “Don’t let known terrorists/war criminal societies assemble to build armies and super-weapons.” Which brings us back to: -How is the Republic this bad at preventing terrorism in the universe? I mean, it’s not like its any old terrorist group we’re talking about here, it’s the Empire, again. It’s the terrorist group. According to the entire series, and especially this film (at which point, the Empire should already be wiped out), the Empire is the only thing that ever happens. Think about it this way: would we ever let the Nazis rise to power again? Out in front of everyone, same uniform and everything, goose-stepping around, not even trying to be covert? Would we just sit there, watching them gather troops and arsenals until they amass a GIANT NATION and start bombing us??? No, of course not, because now we’ve got our eye on them, and we always will, till the end of human civilization. How could this possibly have happened? That answer isn’t in the film. -And the last one: