By TOM KUNTZ

Published: March 1, 1998

WHAT better way to set up a selection of rib-ticklers and groaners from Henny Youngman, who died in New York last week at 91, than to simply steal some of the one-liner king's own introductory zingers, which he honed over a lifetime of Friars Club roasting and Borscht Belt skewering?

Here goes: Henny Youngman was a real musician, born with a fiddle in his hands and a bow in his legs. He had more talent in his little finger than he had in his big finger. He had such a big mouth he could eat a banana sideways. He and his wife were a fastidious couple; she was fast and he was hideous. He thought of himself as a wit, and he was probably half right. He was an entertainer who needed no introduction; he needed an act. His last audience was with him all the way; no matter how fast he ran, he couldn't shake them.

More Youngman one-liners follow, culled from a variety of sources (probably Milton Berle, too). Remember: It's all in the delivery. TOM KUNTZ

Putdowns

You have a ready wit. Let me know when it's ready.

The more I think of you the less I think of you.

It's good to see you. It means you're not behind my back.

You're one of the main reasons for twin beds.

He's a real pain in the neck; of course, some people have a lower opinion of him.

He's a real gentleman. He reminds me of Saint Paul, one of the dullest towns in America.

Jewish Jokes

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.

In New York's Garment District, a little old man was hit by a car. While waiting for an ambulance, the policeman tucked a blanket under the guy's chin and asked, ''Are you comfortable?''

The man said, ''I make a nice living.''

Camp Hiawatha, Camp Seneca -- that's where the Jewish kids go for the summer. Camp Ginsberg is where the Indian kids go.

Take My Wife . . .

When my wife asked me to start a garden, the first thing I dug up was an excuse.

My wife will buy anything marked down. She brought home two dresses and an escalator.

I haven't talked to my wife in three weeks. I didn't want to interrupt her.

Two dumb guys go bear hunting. They see a sign saying, ''Bear Left,'' so they went home.

I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it really works.

Can you really afford to give anybody a piece of your mind?

Clothes

Was that suit made to order? The guy didn't pick it up, huh?

That's a nice suit you're wearing. When did the clown die?

I like the suit you're wearing. Who shines it for you?

Promiscuity

He's frank and earnest with women. In Fresno he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.

What do you get for a man who has everything?

Penicillin.

A priest is sent to Alaska. A bishop goes up to visit one year later. The bishop asks, ''How do you like it up here?'' The priest says, ''If it wasn't for my Rosary and two martinis a day, I'd be lost. Bishop, would you like a martini?'' ''Yes.'' ''Rosary, get the bishop a martini!''

Doctors

A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says, ''You're crazy.'' The man says, ''I want a second opinion!'' ''O.K., you're ugly, too!''

A guy says to a doctor, ''I'm having trouble with my love life at home.''

The doctor says, ''Take off 20 pounds and run 10 miles a day for two weeks.''

Two weeks later, the guy calls the doctor, ''Doctor, I took off 20 pounds and I've been running 10 miles a day.''