Posts by vendilion

It doesn't mean ask me the same question again. Or five times consecutively, for that matter.

It doesn't mean that you should ask "What do you mean you don't know?" because as we have clarified, I mean I don't know when I say I don't know.

It doesn't mean that I want to be lectured about how I'm supposed to know about these sorts of things.

It doesn't mean that I am being "difficult" with you.

It doesn't mean that I am hiding something from you.

It doesn't mean that I am refusing to talk to you.

It doesn't mean that you should get frustrated and irritated with me.

It doesn't mean that there is some sort of organised conspiracy to withhold information from you.

It doesn't mean that something is wrong, and even if it did I am not obligated to tell you what is wrong. I will tell you if I want to tell you, not if you want me to tell you.

It doesn't mean that you should get angry at me.

"I don't know" means I don't know.

That's your answer. It's what you're getting.

Now fuck off and leave me alone.

DontThrowYouAway 192

For N’s who use “I don’t know” to feign ignorance:

“I don’t know” doesn’t mean:
- I do know on some level, but am just afraid to acknowledge it because it will hurt my fragile ego
- I do know, but don’t want to take responsibility for it (otherwise known as lying)

“I don’t know” means:
- I don’t know

wampipap 21

My gosh. Mother used to do this, but so do I. She never took any responsibility for anything. Usually by blaming others, but if it wasn't an option she'd say that she didn't know what/how/why this or that happened. She couldn't handle anybody thinking she isn't perfect.

I'm afraid if I make a mistake people will put me down. So sometimes at work I do this to avoid confrontation. Different reason, same effect.
Need to work on that.

Thank you!

guys-cry 162

I feel you
My Ndad ends up drawing conclusions himself when I say ‘I don’t know’ or he’ll reply with ‘there’s always a reason’ and keep pestering me until I give him a ‘reason’, then he starts analysing what I’ve said and still have something to say.

colors32 45

Dude I thought I was the only one. My step mom would always ask me something that I literally don't have an answer to."Why did you not throw away the old food in the refrigerator" "I don't know" "no you DO know there MUST be a reason" like there's no big underlying reason and anything else I say would just be taken as an excuse so what's the point.

cinderful 80

This is effectively “Why did you not pre-cognitively read my mind and do the thing I would eventually be mad at you for not doing even though I never actually asked you to do it”

They’re effectively asking you “Why do I feel this way inside?”

RocoTheLoveMonkey 3

Nice post

KatOnApAth 1

This!

notmixedtogether 40

I had an ndad and am raising three kids. I always answered with “I don’t know” out of fear of giving the wrong answer. I was expected to know things I had never heard of.
My kids answer “I don’t know” often when it means “I didn’t feel like it” but don’t want to say that. I would way rather them say “I didn’t feel like it” instead of “I don’t know”.
I check in with their mom often to make sure I’m not a narcissist and actually working towards them feeling comfortable telling truthful answers. It will serve them much better in life than being scared to answer. Parenting is hard as fuck.

Wiggy_Bop 22

*Parenting is hard as fuck. *
Congrats on being brave enough to take on the challenge. I never wanted that level of responsibility, taking care of myself properly has been difficult enough.

techiejames 9

taking care of myself properly has been difficult enough.

No truer words ever!

notmixedtogether 8

Secretly, I’ve always felt like I teeter on the edge of sanity and being an adult. Like any moment I could tumble don’t the hill of not paying my bills, mumbling constantly, and shitting my pants. But, I met a very sweet lady who has three wonderful kids and as long as I’m not tumbling down that hill I’ll do my best to provide and be caring and loving to them.

Selfinflictedcharm 12

Parenting IS hard as fuck.

I have known a few Ns who will claim to know everything better than everyone else (which is literally impossible), but then get frustrated and angry when someone doesn’t understand what they’re trying to say — as if we are all stupid, incompetent, and tiresome, but also simultaneously required to be able to keep up with weird leaps of logic, follow complicated subjects without issue, and “know everything,” (in addition to being psychic and prescient).

“I don’t know” is SO misused (and sometimes underused). If more people (in general) would genuinely admit that they don’t know something, instead of making shit up to be “right,” it would probably solve a lot of problems.

I try to demonstrate for my kids that it’s ok to not know something and then to admit that I don’t know. (Like “hey, why do fish have shiny scales?” “That’s a good question! I really don’t know. Why don’t we try to look it up?”)

We gotta reclaim “I don’t know” from dbags who use someone’s lack of knowledge as a bludgeon to punish them so that, hopefully, maybe, someday, the next generation(s) won’t be so terrified to admit that they don’t know something. Then, when we can admit that we don’t know or understand something, we can start to actually seek out real answers.

(Sorry if this got a little off-topic and soapboxy. It’s one of my pet issues.)

CinnabarVolcano 1

I agree, completely.

prozacgod 10

If it's an important subject I tend to reply with "Well, what could you do to know better, or to learn about it so you could know"

If the response is "I don't know" again, just help them explore their options. It's a learning opportunity. "Learn how to learn" if you will.

notmixedtogether 7

This is smart. It’s more the stuff like “why did you just punch your brother in the face” or “why are you riding your bike without your helmet”.
These are rules they fully understand (they are 8 and 10 and have had these rules forever). So “I don’t know” is really a stand in for “he is an asshole as deserved to get punched” and “helmets suck, fuck your rules!”
I’d really prefer they tell me how they really feel. Hearing a fourth grader say “fuck your rules” while infuriating, makes my anti-establishment side very happy.

Spadesqueen 9

I ask, do you really want to know why I did xyz? What is that knowledge going to do for you?

GGSillyGoose 4

This times 100. Sometimes it is a real mistake but it is always a question you can't answer. I usually say I forgot.

rbnthrow_away 3

Obviously you're in cahoots with GE and you're conspiring to wear out her refrigerator so that she will have to purchase a new one sooner.

LameIIes 18

Yeah I thought this was normal parenting lmao my dad always gets so angry at me if I say “I don’t know” so I’ve taken to saying “I’m not sure” instead, seems to work for some reason

DragnoDragno 8

It works because then they can keep talking giving you reasons why you should know and show you how dumb you are for not knowing the "obvious" answer.

"you" doesn't mean YOU but you in general. :)

Wiggy_Bop 4

"I'm not sure" implies you have given it some thought or are still thinking about it.

accio07 11

And when you give them a reason they say, "that's not a good enough reason." Well it's good enough for me.

techiejames 8

You reply after enough nagging:

IT'S BECAUSE OF YOU!! I am the way that I am because of you. You have raised me to be this way.

Got that all the time from my dad. I still remember the heightened anxiety and rising tension in my gut it gave me. Truly traumatic :(

GlassCloched 1

It made me anxious and it made my brain hurt at the same time. I can remember thinking “where are you going with this stupidity?”

switchedatdivorce 78

For me:

It doesn't mean "yes, but I'm too afraid/stubborn to say it."

Everything I said was a lie, so even if I said No, I meant 'yes." If I said "I don't know" my Nmom would go "that means 'yes'!" If I stayed silent, that meant 'yes.' If I texted her No, that meant 'yes.' Eventually I just stopped replying. Then was told my silence was rude and offensive and I should reply when I'm asked. So I told her "Why? everything I say is a lie/wrong/rude/disrespectful/will get me yelled at in the car. Might as well not say anything."

She didn't like that too much.

WhoRUAgain 27

Ugh the yelled at in the car thing, I’m an adult and I always make sure I’m not in the car alone with my nparent whenever I see them. Noooooo thaaankssss

switchedatdivorce 25

Like I would say something to someone, Nmom would giggle and I thought it was fine.

Get in car.

Nmom: WHY DID YOU SAY THAT? THAT'S NOT WHAT PEOPLE NORMALLY SAY, IT WAS SO WEIRD. DON'T EVER SAY THAT AGAIN. IF YOU SAY ANYTHING LIKE THAT AGAIN I'M TAKING AWAY YOUR PHONE!

guess I'll shut up forever.

WhoRUAgain 17

Yeah, everything’s fine.
NMom: Hey! Why don’t we go shopping? We haven’t spent very much time together lately!
As soon as we get there, she locks the doors and lays in. And then after when I’m crying says, well I can’t have you go in there looking like that! (They’ll think I made you cry!)
No shopping. Just yelling. Ugh the worst.

life-boat 10

My ndad wonders why I don’t like spending time w him. I’m always wondering if I’m going to get yelled at when I get in the car with him.

I almost always get yelled at when I get in the car alone w him

DigitalGarden 14

My dad always says "I'm not trying to be mean" now when he talks to me. He is better now, not having us kids in the house, and always wonders why we think he is yelling at us. Dad, it is because you spent years and years yelling at me. Sorry I can't erase years of ingrained reactions.

Firelord_Putin 4

Me too! I hate spending time with ndad because he always yells at me and makes me cry.

It was a problem recently when he showed up to my college graduation. He previously promised that he would give me the car he took away from me for four years as punishment for a fender bender upon graduating.

Well he comes and I am instantly afraid. I can’t look at him or speak to him because of how much he abused me my whole life, obviously (even recently over the summer he twisted my wrist and threw my plate of food on the ground). So of course I can’t even look at him. And then after graduation I text my emom asking where the car is and she said I was “hostile” to my dad (because I didn’t speak to him) and that he’s not giving me the car anymore.

I tried to explain that I’m afraid of him and she told me that I need to forget about it and have an adult relationship with him. Ugh. I just can’t bring myself to do it, I hate him so much.

life-boat 2

This is true

Wiggy_Bop 1

I hear you with the yelling. Fighting was a daily occurrence in my house while my parents were married. Not a day went by without some sort of argument between my ‘rents. And when they weren’t fighting they were yelling at my sis and I about something. More me than sis. 😕

kschnei 10

My N-stepmom would always wait until she was taking me somewhere (school, sports, etc) to find something to yell at me about, knowing it would make me upset before getting to my destination. She didn’t take me to school very often but every time she did I’d end up walking in the building crying. Ugh.

CacatuaCacatua 5

I KNOW! If everything I say is wrong or rude or offensive or not good enough, then I may as well just do exactly what I want, and stop caring about her opinion.

Because her opinion is always that I'm wrong and bad, it's a worthless opinion to me. In that it has no utility for me.

switchedatdivorce 3

Exactly so if my opinion is so undervalued, well, don't be surprised if you stop hearing it!

My Ndad used to complain about everything and everyone to me to the moon and back. Again, I stopped replying. Why? He wasn't listening to me when I talked to him, all he wanted was to talk. Of course, he wanted me to talk as well, only agreeing with him. When I stopped responding (with passive-aggressive sighs and eye rolls when I was REALLY not giving a shit) he started asking me wtf my problem was. I told him "if I have nothing to say, then I will not say anything." Had to say this TWICE to get him to get the fucking hint.

Bipolarruledout 2

Last time I ghosted her on text it was "your silence speaks volumes." She still pays for me and my engineer brothers phones! She gets a reply every 2 to 4 weeks depending on how much money she's given me since I left (She knows I'm having a hard time since leaving her and desperately wants me back and calling my phychs and doctors and saying I'm suicidal isn't working). Now Ironicly in person it would always be "Well you just have an answer for everything don't you?!" Well what can I say you've got a reader on your hands! Now when I was a child I had some hearing problems but wasn't allowed to say "what?" for some reason...I was always being sent to my room seemingly for saying something rather than doing something wrong...and I don't mean an insult or insubordination... just weird shit. Then they were surprised why I never wanted to leave it as a teenager.

/And yeah well aware how fucked up the whole money dynamic is but she really upped the ante this month so I probably owe her a visit and a home cooked meal. I'm just now starting to learn how to play the game. //And I'm awesome cook and she misses my meals.

WhoRUAgain 67

Man, this struck a chord for me. I learned to just make up shit that sounded plausible on the spot and say it with confidence. Whoa, as I was typing that I was realizing why I’m so good at that. I used to work with kids and when they would ask “why” I would spin these crazy stories out of nowhere that sounded possible so they would always believe me, and all the adults would ask how the heck I came up with that stuff so fast. Hmm... you’ve left me with lots to ponder.

AnalogGenie 16

I attribute some of my improvisational powers to my NMom's parenting

Meddygon 12

I've recently made strides in breaking the habit of having an explanation for everything, even if I know no one will ask.

Wiggy_Bop 1

I always feel the need to explain myself when I fuck up. I wish I were Catholic, so I could go to confession. “Father forgive me for I have sinned. I put the ketchup back in the fridge without properly tightening the cap. I have again failed as a human being and am not fit to live in polite society.” That kind of stuff, lol.

Jessimaebelle 10

Yes, same here. Ah man. It is either that or get the belt. Make up plausible bull shit > getting hit with leather

life-boat 6

I’ve gotten hood at this too. Just because little details could set my dad off

DigitalGarden 6

Yup. I'm crazy good at making shit up now.
Gotta find a use for that somehow.

onebee 5

Yeah well... Im maybe a little bit too good at it. Sometimes I just make some shit up and 2 seconds later I’m like “shit, that’s not true I actually wanted to say this and that”

bz_212 4

I do this all the time! It's like I need to say what I think the person wants to hear out of fear they'll mock me or berate me for my true thoughts.

jessofthejungle 5

ME. FREAKING. TOO. No wonder my parents don't know me at all - they never wanted honesty, they were happy to hear whatever I made up at the time that they wanted to hear. And no wonder I've struggled with my sense of self - I spend so much time being what other people want me to be. Telling them what they eat to hear.

My mom hit me with a "we always promised we would be honest with each other" on Mother's Day. I've literally never been allowed to be honest with them because my feelings and insights are constantly rejected.

Every time I come to these realizations, I also realize how fucked up I actually am. They lied and built me up, telling me how strong I am, when I'm not strong at all. I am completely dependent on other people. There is so much work I have to do on this front. How did I put up with being treated like this for so long?? Thanks for posting.

WhoRUAgain 2

Hey, you are strong. You just need to find it in yourself instead of just being told you are, and I know for a fact that you’ve got it in you. You can learn to be independent, and to grow and learn what it is to truly be yourself and not what others (or your parents) told you you are.

I know I’m just an internet stranger, but I honestly know how that feels. And I’m in my mid twenties and after many long years of being uncomfortable and working on it I know exactly who I am. There is hope, and you’ve just reached the first step. Realizing how fucked up it is that you had to become this way to survive.

But you know what? You aren’t lost, and you’re not alone. A very wise person told me this and it has helped immensely. When you find yourself having these realizations, feel it. It’s going to be a lot, but feelings are like waves, it’s really intense at the top but ride with it instead of fighting it, feel it. It’ll hurt. It’s not fair. But every wave will get easier. Maybe not right away, but it really does get easier.

I believe in you. And you can be yourself, I promise. Maybe not right now, but once you are safe, it gets easier. :)

Wiggy_Bop 3

Agree. We are all a LOT stronger than most people in so many ways. I have excellent ‘soft skills’ for instance because I can read people and their moods easily. And I’m always diplomatic and try to see both sides of situations. Try to focus on what you do well. I know it’s difficult, believe me, due to the way we were all raised, with the nothing was ever good enough for our parents. That’s THEIR bullshit, not ours.

Tiny_Tinker 4

I too am occasionally disturbed at how well I can tell a believable lie. I don't stand well to scrutiny, but the initial sell is usually good enough.

Bipolarruledout 0

Yeah you gotta start to nip that, it's not good for you or the kids and Wikipedia is a thing.

teacherturnedsahm 57

With my mom it was, "Stop saying 'okay'." She'd be yelling at me and telling me what was wrong with me or how I was being bad and I'd say, "Okay." I wasn't trying to be rude or "talk back." I was just trying to get through the blow up. I had three options. One, say okay and agree with her even though in my head I was screaming how she was wrong. Two, say nothing anf have her say, "Answer me! Don't you have anything to say for yourself?" Or three, say how I really felt trying as hard as I could to not sound disrespectful and try to get my point across. That was usually the worst choice. I guess I would also try aplogizing as she yelled or I'd cry which would be replied with, "You should be sorry. You are sorry, a sorry excuse for a daughter. You should cry." Or, "Why are you crying? I'm the one who should be crying after everything you've dine to me." Or, "Of course, cry and try to make me feel bad."

No, bitch, I have feelings that matter too! I needed someone to help me learn about life when I was a teenager, not constantly tell me how awful I am and that I'm not supposed to feel bad because you feel bad.

Sorry you're dealing with this. I'm hoping you're still a kid and will be able to move out soon. Everything gets better although the memories are still there.

alexagraphical 18

Whenever I'd cry I was "making her out to be the bad guy" or "laying all of the blame at her doorstep" and I "can never take responsibility for anything, everything is always her fault" or, and this one is my favorite, I was "killing her".

A lot of your comment resonated with me. I'm sorry that you had to go through that too.

UVtears 13

Whenever I cry I'm just putting on an act, even though it's usually when it's just me and her.

Or she will treat it like drama and sneer and tell me to just go to my room.

One time when I was still an adolescent, she made me cry so hard before dinner time, and her tv show was on, she took a look at me holding my bowl crying and said, "Can you go somewhere else and cry? Just go eat in your room."

(Always being thrown to my room. And then yelled at for being a shut in.)

But whenever she cries, well, she has a reason and by god you must allow her to.

FYI I'm 25 and moved back in with her after 6 mos free because she's falling a lot and no one else wants to help her and she can't afford someone to. Even my half sister wanted to have her put in an old folks home when she was only 62 (65 now) and I should have just let it happen, I think.

dorothybaez 6

You still have that option.

UVtears 2

Oh do I? r/thanksimcured Seriously, you don't know how incredibly cold that sounds given what is going on in my life right now and what my life has been.

What would you recommend if we're super low middle class and rely on each other for each other's income, as she's divorced and can't work and I work parttime? And my half sister has since estranged herself from me, as well, for daring to tell my mother that she had considered putting her in a home? So I don't have any backup or funding for this because my sister is like, "I don't give a fuck about any of you anymore" and moved out in the middle of nowhere.

TL;DR My whole family is fucked up and that kind of line just... it's like when people tell me "oh just don't worry then" when I tell people about my anxiety. It's frustrating.

dorothybaez 4

I didn't mean to offend you. But I am a pretty cold person.

Bipolarruledout 0

Whenever I cry I'm just putting on an act

Whooh.... you sure you're not a narc?!

But mines a covert, she made my stepfather do all the discipline so she could step in and be "good cop" and soak up all the praise... But not till after the fact.

UVtears 2

You misunderstand. IN HER EYES, whenever I cry, I am surely just putting on an act.

Please don't call me names. I thought this was a friendly subreddut where I could finally open up about my experiences and you're calling me a narcissist.

jnmothersdaughter 6

Holy shit my mom was the exact same way.

Firelord_Putin 6

Whenever I cried as of recently my ndad would always threaten to call the police because I guess he felt he couldn’t hit me anymore and that was the only way to make me stop.

Imagine calling the police on a crying adult. Wow

theNATALI3 4

my mind is blown rn bc what you said describes my mom 100% too

contextISeverything 3

Wow, flashback to, “Okay is not an answer. Things are NOT okay. You have to take this seriously.” Okay was not agreement with her. I had to say, “Yes, Mom.” Okay was a disrespectful answer.

I just stopped crying. I didn’t cry for years. People in my family died and I didn’t cry.

teacherturnedsahm 3

Sorry to hear, but know you're not alone.

CacatuaCacatua 3

Ow. Right in the childhood.

I need to start saying the affirmation right to her face:

I can't make you feel fulfilled. I can't fix your self esteem issues. I can't be whatever it is you think you need. You're an adult, I'm not your parent. I can't satisfy you the way you want and I have no intention of trying.

mamaBEARnath 47

I say “I don’t know” to get out of a lot of uncomfortable situations and confrontation from my SO or boss. It’s so automatic since that would be the answer I’d give my NMOM and EDAD because I didn’t trust that they wouldn’t emotionally punish me and I played the role of ignorant youngest child. It was easier. It was basically emotional survival.

froghazel 20

I did this, too! I would always say "I don't know" to Nmom when I DID know the answer, but know she wouldn't like it.

kschnei 4

At that point she either doesn’t like you saying “I don’t know” and or she doesn’t like your answer so you get in trouble either way. Saying “I don’t know” was just the easier option.

deusnefum 19

Ditto. "I don't know" means I don't have the energy, wherewithal or desire to deal with you right now.

LeftoutLacey 6

Same here

sasha--chan 5

I do this too, all the time. My parents constantly put me down and make me feel like shit for not informing her about every single thing in my life, and if I don’t tell her something and she finds out later, I’m a “liar” and a “diseetful” person. Whenever I’m in the car with her she asks stupid questions like “do you think it’s Good to lie?” And “what else are you not telling me?” And I just say “I don’t know” because I really don’t want to deal with this every day.

My life is my life and I can decide what to share with you and what to hold to myself, whether I’m 17 or 50. Stay out of it, if I want to tell you something, I will.

angela_bee 46

My grandma slapped the shit out of me one time when she shrieked "What do you mean you don't know?" at me and I responded "I mean.... talks super crazy slowly I.........dooooooon't.......knowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww."

Ask a stupid question you get a stupid answer.

awneekah 16

Play bitch games, get bitch prizes, that's what I say lol

Danka84 34

My mom used to tell me "I don't know is not an answer." Ummm yeah it is. Why does my mom treat me like absolute dog shit and my brother and sister like saints? I LITERALLY DON'T KNOW.

kschnei 16

“I don’t know is not an answer.”

So I would sit there in silence for 10-15 minutes while she waited on my answer that I was trying to come up with while also hoping she would just drop it (which never happened) because I literally did not know!

CacatuaCacatua 4

You're recovering my suppressed memories for me. Ow.

Danka84 2

Exactly!

Taylor_2011 6

Yeah.... I was looking for this one.

Danka84 13

This is the first time I've commented on anything in this subreddit and I just have to tell you all how comforting it is that it's not just me. At least I'm not alone. So I'm sorry you all have shitty parents, but I'm also a little thankful that I'm not the only one.

Taylor_2011 8

I couldn't agree more. There is something weird about seeing the exact same situations you went through, even weirder seeing the outcome of these instances in our own personalities. Shit like this made a pathological liar, I would say anything to just end the conversation with my parents (mostly my mother) and that method of dealing with tough situations carried itself outward. Hope that you are long out the house like I am, and hope you are able to; not forgive, but accept how we were raised and move forward past that. Cheers brother/sister, hope your week is great.

Danka84 2

Unfortunately I'm not out of the house. She's basically bedridden and my husband and I are taking care of her. I'm constantly thinking "Where are your saint children now?!"

CyanRyan 4

heard this exact thing from ndad all the time, lmao

so200late 22

I used to have to hound the shit out of friends weeks before we'd make plans to hang out to satisfy my mom. "How many people, will their parents be there, what's their parents cell numbers, are you going to go anywhere else, what are you going to do, when are you going to leave/be back?...etc." I don't know wasn't acceptable but who knows this crap weeks ahead? Plans change.

DigitalGarden 15

"I never stop you from going anywhere! You could have gone out with friends. You stayed home because you wanted to."
No, I stayed home because I couldn't appropriately answer questions and therefore never had permission to go out. Sigh.

givemefruitsalad 20

The same goes for "No".

madman42q 27

"No" doesn't mean "maybe"

"No" doesn't mean "I'll think about it and get back to you"

"No" doesn't mean "I'm not sure, so pressure me some more"

"No" is a negative response to a question or request. It means "No". It is a sentence by itself.

No. Ne. Nein. Nee. Non. Nyet. Iie. I'm multi-lingual, motherfucker. I shouldn't have to do a version of "No" in every language like that Cat in the Hat song to make you understand.

yellowstar93 19

"I don't know" became my default response to Ndad when he would interrogate me over why we don't have a great relationship & why I avoid being around him because giving him the actual, truthful answer would lead to getting lectured and patronized over how my feelings are wrong so yeah

jessofthejungle 1

Preach.

Yiskra 19

God I can relate to this a bit. Had a teacher in high school that had this whole "I don't know isn't an answer." That woman was horrid and would totally tear you down if you refused to back down from "I don't know." Made me temporarily hate sciences (normally my favorite) because this woman couldn't get off of her high horse.

I ended up walking out of her class one day because of said fuckery. This was apparently all my nmom needed to bring this into her own repertoire. Except it was "I don't know is only an answer if you're stupid."

TattyTot 12

But wait...isn't it a teacher's job to identify what it is their students don't know and fill them in? I don't know should be the answer they seek...

Yiskra 7

She was.. not very effective. She didn't teach there for long.

Heinekencobra 3

Thank god. Was the new teacher any good?

Yiskra 6

It was one of the coaches. He wasn't necessarily a great teacher but he was at least a decent person. Could have been worse.

Edit- I graduated HS the year the coach took the position. So I was just ready to be done and pretty okay with just the decent person aspect.

SpookySunshine 5

it was "I don't know is only an answer if you're stupid."

My covert Nmom didn't phrase it quite that way, but that was the implication. She preferred that I say, "I don't remember." Which just confused me as a child--how can I not remember something I never knew to begin with?

Since then, I've realized that "I don't remember" is her excuse for everything. She doesn't take responsibility for her words and actions because she doesn't remember them... Yeah, mom, that makes it all okay. /s

Bipolarruledout 1

My Nmom is also a teacher but a specialist so she works with every student in the school... Turns out my new best friend's Nmom is also a specialist at the different school... EXACT title! Small world... or at least this town is!

Yiskra 1

Jeebus. Run.

Sine_Wave_ 1

Wait, she was a science teacher and would chastise a student for not knowing something? Scientists are the ones most likely to say they don't know! Willing to put money down that's why she teaches high school; she'd be a rubbish scientist.

Yiskra 1

Oh hell yeah she would have been!

Sine_Wave_ 1

It's rather amazing, actually. A good scientist is very much restrained when they are making a point, because they have to be able to back up every single claim with evidence. A scientist can't say anything is even probably true without showing there is that possibility. If they say something with certainty and can't back it up when challenged, their career goes up in flames, and they can't be trusted anymore.

Yiskra 1

Oh I know. This is part of why I love science. You have to be able to back things up and science rarely deals in absolutes since it's ever changing/evolving.

RBNRandom1111 19

There were times when, even though I really didn't know, I made up complete bullshit excuses just to avoid this shitshow. The way I looked at it was, I was going to eat shit either way. But saying, "I don't know.." meant that I was going to eat more of it for longer.

Wafflebot17 14

I though this was normal. I had to know everything that happened around me and be able to explain everything, not knowing what happened at any time could definitely lead to trouble. I still have a lot of issues with being confronted by anyone, I feel like there are no right answers only less wrong answers and it can be hard to fit in any environment with an authority figure of any kind.

Bipolarruledout 1

I've always felt like that at work to the point where I end up knowing my bosses job and getting piled on with more work.

cpbaby1968 13

My ex husband was this way. If I said “I don’t know” he would ask me the same question repeatedly but worded slightly differently each time then if I answered one of his questions (because it was worded differently) he would pounce “I thought you said you didn’t know?” and I would be harangued for days.

outintheyard 5

Reading this made me question whether I may be an N. Sometimes I have to ask my husband a thing repeatedly, only worded slightly different in order to find out what's really going on. I always thought he was withholding information and it was my job to get it. (I only do this when it pertains to me in some way- as in relating to our plans, etc..). Example: Me: "Are we going to do something with your parents for their anniversary?" My SO: "I don't know." Me: "Didn't your sister just call?" SO: "Yeah". Me: "Did she mention dinner plans?" SO: "She said maybe we would go to .......". Me: "Oohhhhkaay, so it could be a possibility then right?" SO: "I guess".
You get the picture. Am I wrong to do this? If I don't, then come Sat. night, my SO will lay it on me that we need to meet everybody 45 minutes away in 90 minutes when I am elbows deep cleaning out the chicken coop or something. Am I a narcissist?! Help?!

cpbaby1968 3

No. I think that’s different. He wasn’t trying to find out plans, he was trying to find out information to use against me because, obviously, I was lying to him when I said “I don’t know”.

"I don't know" does not mean "I will slowly figure it out and give you the answer you want if you keep asking"

cbatta2025 10

My NDada is like this and terrorized/interrogated us our whole lives. Threads like these trigger me into feeling rage, I’m 50 years old and have been NC for 5 years, he’s suck a DICK. LOL

throwawayasfuuuck 9

My covert ndad hates hearing "I don't know" or "I will try."

Because there is no such thing as not knowing. Apparently there is also no such thing as trying, only doing, and you either do bad or do good.

Fucking N's and their "A or B, there is no C" logic.

syylveons 8

"Oh, you don't know? Hmm..." - said by my NGma in her very sarcastic "I think you're lying" tone, alllll the time. I think it says a lot more about how they use "I don't know".

vlm0325 7

Yes! I’ve had this same behavior happen to me. The thing is, sometimes their comments are punctuated by slaps to the face and other violent behavior.

klymene 7

I was once thrown out of Easter dinner because I didn’t know what I was going to do during the summer after graduating high school. Even if I did know, it would have been the wrong answer anyway.

afr33sl4ve 7

This triggered some bad memories from my mostly blacked out childhood. I wish I could send it to him, and he respond to it by taking it in. Alas, pipe dreams are only just.

Thank you for sharing.

DeutschUberAmerikkka 6

OH MY GOD I'm not the only one

I HATE this shit. My mother will not take no for an answer, so growing up whenever I wanted to say no I had to say some variation of "I don't know" over and over and over until I could eventually distract her into doing something else or until I had to cave in and do what she wanted

God just reading that first line gave me anxiety lol

WesternSol 6

Holy shit. I just had an argument with my parents in which they accused me of stone walling because I didn't know what to say. I asked them what they wanted and they were like "What do you think we want?" and I'm like "I've got no clue". That argument lasted from like 9 to almost 2 am

ZenMommy 6

Oh my gosh, I got such a profound sense of relief, reading this! This is exactly what I experienced as well, and it's left me with an obsessive need to "know" and if I don't, I get very panicked.

I found out much later that there is an interrogation technique that is very similar to this, and it's very effective at breaking down a mind and getting the victim to begin to spontaneously volunteer ALL information before the interrogator/parent even asks.

Do you or does anyone else find themselves with the bad habit as adults, of telling people way too much information now?

Bipolarruledout 1

Funny you should ask....

Jessimaebelle 6

Solidarity OP. I'm sorry. I know this as well as you do. "what do you mean you don't know?! It is right here, what is the answer!! Do you even know how to read!?" Ah man, hang in there you're doing a great job. I've gotten that so ingrained in my head that I never say "I don't know" I can't, I start sweating and getting really red faced and shakey. Even if I am at work I still have to say "I'm not sure, I can find out and get back to you in 10 minutes." One time I said "I don't know" to a cop and had to smoke like 3 cigarettes to calm down from freaking out so bad even though he only asked me if I knew where I was going. HA!

ChatteringCyclops 6

And sometimes there's a reason why you don't know something. Like, say, you're only 8 when Nmother grills you on your understanding of her mental illness. Or maybe you're only 14 when she begins complaining that E/father won't have sex with her anymore.

I will tell you if I want to tell you, not if you want me to tell you.

So much this! Nmother assumed (hoped?) I'd become sexually active by my mid-teens. She'd ask for details in this creepy, pseudo-confidential tone. We were gal-pals, after all! Plus you're supposed to confide in your mother. (Yep, she wanted it both ways.) When I had none to offer, she'd get mad that I was holding back. "You don't trust me!" Of course I didn't, but that was never the point.

vendilion 4

I made the mistake of bringing a friend of the opposite sex to a family dinner out once. We never actually ended up being that close, but literally every single day for more than a year afterwards he would ask me if I'd spoken to her lately, and get irritated when I refused to talk about her and complain that I don't talk to him any more.

Now it's all "Do you ever talk to girls? Are you seeing anyone lately? What's going on? Why don't you tell me these kinds of things?" Maybe because I got a years-long invasive and inescapable Spanish inquisition the last time you became aware of a girl in my life, Dad.

Bipolarruledout 1

Supposedly my Nstepmom used to look at my brother in the shower to see how things were "progressing". Luckily my Nmom is a total prude.

poohbear1025 6

My Ndad literally screams “WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DONT KNOW?” And growls at me. It’s funny now at 28, terrifying at 13.

poroburger 5

ugh, is it weird that i can relate to this post so much but... the other way around?

i mean i'm struggling a lot to accept others' "uh, i don't know..." type responses because i got used to it but with a different meaning: all what you've enlisted here, OP. couple of days ago i had a hard time to understand - and i'm still uncertain about the whole thing - that my friend didn't give me cold shoulders or she is not mad at me at all. she just... doesn't have a clue about something, being all honest and such? phew.

n mother usually brushes off me by saying "i don't know" and means she's refusing to talk to me, she's "not in the mood" to reply, she doesn't give a damn about me. or she's fed up with my bare existence at the moment and is irritated but plays this game of avoidance. she expects me to be a mindreader and to know what she exactly means by "i don't know". in addition, she casually told me a few times that sometimes she just enjoys to see if i'm anxious because not getting any feedback or information. she loves making me angry, finds it funny...

this whole emotional abuse/manipulation SUCKS!

naniiamo 5

Ugh I was told that I don't know wasn't an appropriate answer, then I'd get yelled at more for claiming I don't know something cause I mean obviously that means I'm just trying to avoid trouble.

Ariandre 5

Lol. I read that to my N and got a lecture on how "I don't know" is rude and a mindless lazy cop out. HAhaha. Just goes to prove how right your list is..they just can't deal with it.

weremound 5

Nmom always asked, “What do you mean you don’t know?” Like fuck am i supposed to say to that? I obviously cant re-respond with i dont know. Uch.

laceydrevv 5

My ndad did this when I lived at home. He’d respond with “you’re the only one who does!” Until I’d make up some bs answer and then he’d still find a reason to be mad.

DigitalGarden 5

Growing up, we were not allowed to say "I don't know". I think we would have gotten less flack for swearing.

I was always shocked when other kids told their parents "I don't know" and their parents didn't have much of a reaction.

adriskoah 4

Or, ask me the same thing six different ways.

awneekah 4

I used "I don't know" as a way to avoid answering questions I knew the answer to, but was too afraid to say out loud. One too many times being hit, and as a 21 year old who doesn't necessarily want to press charges on the person they live with, I still use it as an emotional survival tool. It's still bad enough that I am afraid to tell my SO how I'm really feeling sometimes. I know he would never hit me, but the fear is so deeply embedded in who I am. I'm getting better though.

LikeSammiches 4

I can relate to this for sure. This was the start of a fight where I “attacked” my mother which led to her blowing up, having a breakdown (both of which were my fault of course) and ultimately started us on very limited contact. I still get anxious thinking about how I couldn’t provide her a satisfying answer that day... because I couldn’t possibly not know something. /s

Yaya46 4

My husband and I met when we were kids.

One day he asked me how I became such a good liar.

I told him it started with " I dunno".

He was so damned confused.
So I told him the next time Motherrrr asked me a impossible question to pay attention.

Few weeks later she asked me a impossible question. ( He was with me)
I responded honestly with "I don't know ".

All hell broke loose.
In order for me to shut her the fuck up.
I had to lie . Because that's always better than honestly not knowing.

Shadow-Prophet 4

My parents always tell me "'I don't know' isn't an answer!!!" but yes it absolutely fucking is. I usually end up having to scrap together some made-up but good-enough-sounding answer to appease them because if I keep telling them I don't know, they get insanely angry and start yelling and threatening shit.

tigertigar 4

My favorite exchange with Nmom during a family car trip listening to talk radio:

Nmom (hears a French phrase on the radio): Tigertigar, you took French in high school. What does “Je ne sais quoi?” mean?

Me: “I don’t know.”

Nmom: Of COURRRSE you don’t. You don’t know anything. DO you know ANYTHING???

Me: The phrase translates to “I don’t know.”

Nmom: (dead silence as everyone tries to stifle their laughter)

webelos8 4

My husband has to keep reminding me that "I don't know" is an acceptable answer to a question.

Serenescence 3

I would dread trying to explain things to my mother because of this. When she would ask me things I didn’t know, she would get so angry at me for saying I didn’t know. She would then blame me for not telling her anything, and it would be all my fault that I couldn’t talk to her because I “refused to communicate” whenever I couldn’t answer a question.

paulxombie1331 3

Holy shit my whatever he is to me ndad yells at me for hours and proceeds to verbally and physically attack me because he swore when I said I dont know to anything I was automatically hiding something sometimes I just dont know.. sorry im not plugged directly into google to give you every answer you want

Been nc for more than a year with those people never going back

vereelimee 3

I don't know means some of those for me. It does mean don't talk to me. It means I am withholding information.

It depends on the situation but "I don't know" is one of my go to grey rock phrases.

I'm sorry that it's not working out the same for you. I do tend to need to repeat it a dozen or so times before the N gives up.

I wish you all the best.

evensky_stevensky 3

This hits hard. My mom would literally fire question after question on things my child mind hadn’t even considered (“why are you doing x? Don’t you realize how that affects me??? Why are you doing this thing? Do you not care about us?!?!” Looking back I realize it was all projection...)

When the only answer I had was I don’t know it was like pouring salt on a wound for her. She hated that answer, but I think it was because it was the only one she had as well in her own life’s struggles.

But of course she had to take that shit out on me...

TheoWren 3

Yup. I was always “hiding something.” Or playing dumb. “You’re smart, you know what you did wrong!”

Yes, that’s my SOLE purpose in life. I’m out to deceive you, because that’s what I do.

HarvestTime9790 3

They don't understand "I don't know".... that's why they can never say it themselves (at least not earnestly).

svensk100 3

My counselor said that "I don't know" is often the result of a wound in the experience of thinking. So fuck the n for fucking with your thinking experience. That type of harassment as you detailed in your original post denies the reality we experience

marielove91 3

My ndad hit me for saying I didnt know. It was like a trigger phrase.

gfuds 3

HOLY FUCKING SHIT I LOVE THIS. These quotes are almost exact quotes from my dad.

One thing I was almost trained to do was include "yet" in my sentences. "I don't know yet." "I can't do it yet" I was never allowed to "want" to do something for the sake of wanting to do it. If I didn't know something, I was yelled at and hit. Saying "yet" was a defense mechanism for me that helped me escape in the short term.

My dad is a fucking nutjob...

shipmate87 3

My ACoN wife did this to me quite a lot: "what do you mean you don't know? There MUST be a reason!"

I have been wondering if she is also a narc

sageberrytree 3

Amen to this.

Magnesium1994 3

THIS!

phobiawolf 3

I don’t know what I don’t know

MrsBigC 2

Aaarghh, that really hits an nerve with me. For a long time, I felt like I owe her (and others) answers. I felt bad when I didn’t know something, which is completely stupid, because what I don’t know I don’t know 🤷‍♀️ Repeating the question is such an annoying reaction. Drove me nuts! It led me to inquire not enough, because knowledge about something would lead to an inquisition... Staying uninformed is an annoying habit, that I’m currently overcoming because I don’t allow anyone to grill me anymore, so knowledge is nothing to fear anymore ;)
Thanks for your post, especially the wording!

LiquifiedBakedGood 2

For the love of fuck could my mom not tell me “yes you do” when I say I don’t know

Politeazfyck420 2

I hate that so much! My moms always like yes you do know! Stop playing dumb! Stop avoiding my questions! You’re being mean to me! So selfish!
Ugh I hate that shit

vegablack 2

This struck me as a poem, bravo!

FlyingKiwi72 2

In my family, the "I don't know" thing is kind of flipped. My NMom uses the phrase a lot to avoid giving straight answers to perfectly innocuous questions. For instance when my dad is making her afternoon tea he might ask her what she wants to eat with it and she'll say "I don't know". He's then expected to work it out, and of course whatever he decides will almost always be "wrong". She's played this "I don't know" game with me too in the past. It's part of the N thing of expecting you to be a mind-reader and then yelling at you when your psychic powers are inevitably found wanting.

Oddly, I don't use this line as much myself (although I'm sure I have at times - I certainly favour vague and evasive answers to her interrogations). My favourite thing to say is just "Hmm". It's a good "grey rock" expression and she absolutely hates it, probably because it gives her nothing to work with. Many is the time I've used "Hmm" to avoid giving her a piece of my mind, or arguing with her over some stupid demand. Basically my strategy if she's making a demand is to say "Hmm" or "OK" and then procrastinate until she gets tired of waiting and does the thing herself. Or if she's lecturing me about what to do or where to go when I'm out, I say "Hmm/OK" and then completely ignore her and do my own thing.

Having said that, I have a few memories of her screaming "Why?" at me when I was little, and I probably said "I don't know" then.

Wiggy_Bop 2

"I don't know" was one of my Mother's favorite answers, along with, "I'll explain later" or the classic "You will understand when you are older."

harleypark 2

I just had the "I don't know" argument with my ndad earlier today. I needed this.

MusicalCereal 2

I certainly understand that feeling, when I left my Nmom's religon she berated me with "You have to choose a religon," "You have to decide what you are," and I guess I don't know and agnostic wasn't the answer she wanted.

When I was younger I didn't know how to cook things, do certain things she was always angry with me even though she never taught me how to do things first. I don't know isn't acceptable to a Narc because perfection is everything to them, and their idea of perfection is "knowing everything."

Gimmeafix 2

Actually... I discovered the power of the unknown attributes of "I dont know" like 1 month ago... I use that answer all the time for my nmom forced questions, it's so damn usefull

Gemini_PI 2

I hated when teachers, managers, or any one in an authoritative position tried so hard to be philosophical or inspirational with this shit. Listen Karen, just because you don’t like when people don’t have the answers to everything, doesn’t mean you need to berate them. You have two hands. google this shit yourself if you need an instant response.

My nDad and nStepmom trained me to never say it, because "I don't know is not an acceptable answer!". Even if I really didn't fucking know.

Starlightbeach 2

Another one is asking "why" when they're told "no." "Why not?" Because I don't want to. "But why not?" Because I said No! "But why??" it's all just a way to try to argue you down. Then if you get frustrated at this point they think you're unreasonable and the didn't do anything wrong. This is when I'm supposed to say things like "I don't want to continue this conversation." Or "The topic is closed." Or even "Don't ask me that again." Although that last one might not be as effective as the first two. "Why" just like a little kid, actually.

WarningTooMuchApathy 2

@ my parents

ChainBlue 2

OMG. That is so my Nmom.

Tiny_Tinker 2

Maybe TMI but my very first period was super super light, so I had seen my underwear but I wasn't sure it has been an actual period or maybe I missed a wipe. It was seriously hardly there.

She saw it in the laundry and demanded to know if I'd started menstruating and I honestly wasn't sure.

I got a derisive, "What do you mean you don't know? It's like if you're pregnant, you are or you're not. HAVE YOU STARTED YOUR PERIOD OR HAVEN'T YOU!?"

cicisbeette 2

While all of the above is true, I've sometimes found that "I don't know" can make a handy "Mind your own damn business."

DJBESO 2

triggered

FartingPickles 2

When I started self harming, I didn’t know why. Mom and sister followed me through the house asking why (once they found out), I kept saying, “I don’t know,” and it didn’t stop until I made up a reason, which was my sister (not her fault - but she did it too). Then it was why that’s wrong. They got off my back after that at least.

But holy crap, if they were so worried you’d think they’d of at least gotten me help.

SturgePloobin 2

My favourite was "How can you not know?" Or "Do you actually know anything?" or just "I don't know" back in a mocking tone. I wonder why I have trouble communicating with people...

ladyguineapig 2

This hits me right in the feels. My Nmom used to do this to me all the time growing up. She would continuously ask me the same question expecting a different answer.

Razdaspaz 2

“Google it”

ottovonballsack 2

YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

KatOnApAth 2

Good customer service: I don't know and don't have the information but let me find that for you or put you in touch with the person that does have that information.

tameasp 2

Thank you. Very well said, I've been trying to figure this one out for myself and I might quote you in the near future.

Hotdogs-Hallways 2

Ooof, this one resonates for me.

I’m like, it doesn’t matter how many different ways you ask me the SAME DAMN QUESTION! I still don’t know.

Then I get to hear responses like , “well then what good are you??”

Edit: This mostly happened with my mother, who apparently needs gossip to survive. I never seemed to have the answers she required, simply because i would never have thought to ask someone such invasive questions.

ThunderRaven 1

NDad would do that really insulting tone as he mocked me. "I don't knaaaaaw!" It made me so angry I had to resist the urge to punch him.

He behaved really childishly if he didn't get what he wanted.

Nmom would ask me over and over. "What do you mean 'you don't know' !?" Then she'd yell my name as if I was hiding something from her.

I had no explanation as to why the toilet clogged, but she thought getting angry would unclog the toilet.

When I do have answers, I'm a "smartass" or I think I'm so smart I can just do [x random thing] all by myself. If I have an answer to one question, I should have the answer to all of them.

So I stay silent. But apparently, silence means I'm deaf. Deafness prompts more yelling and more abuse.

No winning with narcs.

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