Monday, March 30, 2009

Tigers pitcher Dontrelle Willis has been placed on the DL with an anxiety disorder. You’d be nervous too if your team’s key off-season acquisition was Adam Everett.

Kevin Durant has said he wants to be in Oklahoma for a long time. Then again, even a week feels like a long time in Oklahoma.

Plaxico Burress is allegedly frightened of spending the next three and a half years in jail. Then again, show me someone who isn’t scared of going to prison and I’ll show you someone whose sphincter sees more traffic than the Holland Tunnel.

Jerry West has rejected the Los Angeles Clippers’ request to help turn around their franchise. Instead, West plans to focus on a far less challenging project like turning Smurfs into gold.

Professional golfer Annika Sorenstam is reportedly pregnant with her first child. For those of you keeping score at home, credit her husband Mike McGee with a hole in one.

NFL commissioner Roger Goodell wants to expand the season to 18 games. His proposal has been received warmly by fans across America, including thousands of sadomasochists living in Detroit.

Former Kentucky Derby winner Alysheba was euthanized over the weekend. In related news, Wal-Mart will have glue on sale all week long.

NBA owners have approved a rule change whereby teams that have an extra player on the court will now receive a technical foul. The change could be devastating for the Sacramento Kings who have been playing with nine men at a time just to stay competitive.

The Detroit Tigers have upset some Roman Catholics who are unhappy that the club's home opener against the Rangers is scheduled during holy hours on Good Friday. We can hardly wait to see their reaction when Texas nails their pitching staff.

Joba Chamberlain’s fastball is nearly 10 miles per hour slower than it was last year. If it drops off anymore the Yankees are going to have to start timing it with a calendar.

Michael Vick has reportedly been working on a book while in prison. In fact, it should be completely colored in another week.

A minor league baseball club is selling a 1.7 pound hamburger that comes with lettuce, tomato, nacho cheese, chili, salsa and crunched tortilla chips. In related news, David Wells has just signed with the team.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

James, Bismarck, ND Subj: Baseball face-off Which batter/pitcher combination has faced each other the most times in MLB history?

That distinction belongs to Ty Cobb and Walter Johnson who faced each other 368 times over a highly entertaining 21 year span. It may surprise you to learn that Johnson got the best of Cobb during their first eight years in the Big Leagues, holding the Georgia Peach to a .222 average. However, that all changed on August 10, 1915 when The Big Train got severely rattled after hitting Detroit infielder Ossie Vitt in the melon. Cobb soon surmised that Johnson was fearful of hitting opposing batters and he began crowding the plate during his subsequent encounters with the Senators ace. “From 10 inches or so back of the plate I moved in until at last I was standing right against it, and even out over the plate with my bent knees and arms” Cobb later explained. “With the plate tucked under me, I was giving Johnson only a few inches of target. It was cheating, if you will, but also strategy. I was gambling that Johnson would be so afraid of hitting me that he’d work to the outside corner.” His instincts paid off and Cobb averaged .435 against Johnson from 1915-1926 to finish with a .370 lifetime average against the Hall of Fame hurler.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

It’s time for another hilarious episode of Sports Talk Weekly, the show that trashes athletes and sports via animated shorts. This week’s installment takes aim at Alex Rodriguez, Plaxico Burress, Chuck Norris, Kobe Bryant, President Obama, and much, much more! Check it out by clicking here.

Monday, March 23, 2009

Miguel Tejada will likely be placed on probation for lying to Congress in 2005. No word yet on what Congress will get for lying to America since 1776.

Lance Mackey has won the Iditarod Trail Sled Dog Race for the third consecutive year. The only thing better than winning the Iditarod is not being in Alaska in the first place.

Charles Barkley believes the NBA will soon face labor trouble. And if there’s one thing Charles Barkley knows about, it’s being in trouble.

Special Olympian Kolan McConiughey has made headlines by boasting he could beat Barack Obama at bowling. Why stop there? He could probably also beat George W. Bush in an IQ test.

Hulk Hogan is reportedly working on his first book. Reading it, not writing it.

Kimbo Slice has announced he plans to take up boxing, calling it his “first desire.” Oddly enough, our first desire is to see Kimbo Slice hit so hard that he has to fart through his mouth.

The Los Angeles Clippers are reportedly looking for a new general manager. Well, you have to start somewhere.

The Detroit Lions plan to retire the number 93 in memory of missing player Corey Smith. The Lions are still unsure how they will honor their missing defense, offense and special teams.

A Binghamton University fundraiser has accused two athletic department officials of offering her money for sex. Sadly, she wasn’t offended by the offer, she was offended by the amount.

Shaquille O'Neal recently tweeted at halftime in a game against the Wizards. The only thing more amusing than reading his updates is imagining how a man with hands the size of a small child can somehow type on a Blackberry.

A 62-year-old Florida woman named Unni Haskell recently recorded a hole-in-one on the first swing she ever took on a golf course. That commotion you hear is the sound of golfers everywhere throwing their clubs in the trash.

Arizona State guard James Harden is still undecided on the NBA. That’s quite a coincidence since the NBA is still undecided on James Harden.

Andruw Jones is expected to sign with the Texas Rangers as a backup, and given his girth, he should be able to backup seven positions at once.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

It’s time for another hilarious episode of Sports Talk Weekly, the show that trashes athletes and sports via animated shorts. This week’s installment takes aim at Terrell Owens, Alex Rodriguez, Barry Bonds, NASCAR, the World Baseball Classic and much, much more! Check it out by clicking here.

Monday, March 16, 2009

The Detroit Lions are reportedly on the lookout for a quarterback. In related news, Detroit fans are on the lookout for any kind of money back.

The Oregon Urology Institute is offering a March Madness-related vasectomy event over the next month, so even if your team doesn’t make the cut, you still can.

The Netherlands shocked the world by defeating the Dominican Republic at the WBC. Of course, the real shock is that they were able to play baseball at all in those little wooden shoes.

Ray Lewis has signed a seven-year extension with the Baltimore Ravens. The rest of the country is expected to sleep much more soundly knowing exactly where he is.

The NFL has decided to maintain their tradition of showing a Detroit Lions game on Thanksgiving. After all, you can’t enjoy Thanksgiving without a big turkey.

Pacman Jones reportedly got in a fight during an episode of Pros vs. Joes. Frankly, we’re just impressed that he wasn’t taping an episode of Pros vs. Hoes.

A judge has ruled that Michael Vick must pay his own way to his upcoming bankruptcy hearing. Ironically, he may have to take a Greyhound to get there.

Plaxico Burress recently picked up four traffic tickets in a single day for speeding, improper display of tags, improper lane change and improper window tinting. All things considered, we’d still rather have him behind the wheel than riding shotgun.

The NBA is considering rewriting its traveling rules. That sounds to us like four steps in the right direction.

British Gas has signed a $20.8 million sponsorship deal with the country’s Olympic swim team. We’re curious to see how things work out since oil and water seldom mix.

There’s growing concern that the Sacramento Kings could end up moving to Anaheim. Based on their roster, we’re guessing that concern is coming from Anaheim.

Former WWE wrestler Andrew Martin was recently found dead at his Tampa home after a neighbor reported he appeared motionless for several hours. Police initially dismissed the call since they receive several reports a day just like it regarding John Daly.

Martial arts legend Chuck Norris is considering running for President of Texas. If elected, Norris plans to save money by replacing the electric chair with a swift roundhouse kick.

Friday, March 13, 2009

George, Spokane, WASubj: Having a ballWhere does the term "Caddy" come from?

The word has been attributed to Mary I, a colorful Scottish monarch who lived from 1542 until 1587. Although Mary was born in Scotland she was raised in France where the resident royals attempted to make her feel more at home by creating a lavish golf course for her personal amusement. Naturally a queen can’t be expected to carry her own clubs, so she was assigned French military cadets to perform the task for her. Mary liked the idea so much that she brought it back to her ancestral homeland where the name eventually morphed from “cadet” to “caddy.” The rest, as they say, is history.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

I recently had the pleasure of appearing on Speculation, a seriously hip call-in show hosted by fellow sports junkies Dave Golokhov and Matt Cauz. You can listen to my segment by clicking here. Simply follow the link to the archive section beneath the Speculation logo.

Monday, March 9, 2009

The Golf Channel attracted more than 800,000 viewers for its premiere episode of The Hanley Project starring Charles Barkley. An out of shape hooker hasn’t attracted that much attention since Heidi Fleiss.

The Cincinnati Reds have invited Barack Obama to throw out the ceremonial first pitch in a game against the White Sox. And if he can hit 50 mph on the radar gun he’s also been invited to join their pitching staff.

The Knicks recently gave statistician Al Marchfeld a gold watch to commemorate his 60th year with the team. After six decades of having to watch the Knicks they should have given him a purple heart.

The Oakland A’s have come to terms with Nomar Garciaparra. The free agent shortstop is expected to sign a contract as soon as he adjusts his gloves, fiddles with his hat and taps his cup 27 times.

Bengals linebacker Dhani Jones has signed on to host a new travel show entitled Dhani Tackles the Globe. We’re impressed: most of his teammates aren’t even allowed to leave the U.S.

LeBron James was recently caught on camera farting on the Cavaliers bench. It’s just one of many reasons Mike Brown keeps him on the court for 40 minutes a game.

Jim Edmonds spent the weekend judging a stripping contest at a restaurant in St. Louis. It sounds like pop flies aren’t the only thing he’s shagging this spring.

Darryl Strawberry has admitted he would have used steroids if they were available during his prime. That is, assuming he could have snorted them.

The Yankees new stadium includes a field-level seat that costs $26,000. Sadly, that’s just how much a 6 square foot patch of real estate costs these days in New York.

Alex Rodriguez will have to undergo a second surgery in November to fully repair his injured hip. We hope for A-Rod’s sake that his doctor performs better in the fall than he does.

Topps is on the verge of introducing a new 3-D technology to their sports cards. Baseball fans will now be able to watch their favorite players scratch their nuts with more life-like clarity than ever before.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

It’s time for another hilarious episode of Sports Talk Weekly, the show that trashes athletes and sports via animated shorts. This week’s installment takes aim at Tom Brady and Gisele, Derek Jeter, David Beckham, Tommy Lasorda, A-Rod, Mickey Rourke, Michael Phelps, Stephon Marbury and much, much more! Check it out by clicking here.

Monday, March 2, 2009

Adrianna Lima has hinted she may be pregnant with the child of former Clippers guard Marko Jaric. You know, he always was a good penetrator.

Stephon Marbury has finally joined the Boston Celtics. In related news, the Celtics now have cancer.

The New York Yankees have announced that rotund hurler Joba Chamberlain will start the first game at their new stadium. That is, assuming he can fit into it.

Alex Rodriguez is reportedly preparing for a hostile reception in his spring opener. And that’s just from Derek Jeter.

New York Mets infielder Fernando Tatis was pulled from the line-up after waking up at 3:00 am with a sore right palm. It sounds like that wasn’t the only thing being pulled.

Tom Brady and Gisele Bundchen were reportedly married in a Los Angeles Roman Catholic church. Given their respective dating histories it’s astonishing the holy water didn’t boil over as they walked by.

The City of Los Angeles is allegedly shopping for an NFL team. Something tells us that team is not the Detroit Lions.

Derek Jeter is reportedly dating a 22-year-old college student. At the rate he’s going he’ll be married to an embryo by the time he’s done his career.

73-year-old NCAA basketball player Ken Mink has been declared ineligible after he failed Spanish. In his defense, Spain didn’t even exist when he was born.

Nationals general manager Jim Bowden has resigned after being accused of skimming signing bonuses given to Latin American prospects. Luckily it’s Washington though, so he’s still one of the cleanest guys in town.

About Me

Ryan Murphy's humorous articles and sports-themed jokes have appeared on more than 170 radio stations and 40 newspapers across the U.S. and Canada. He recognizes that life is hard and that's why he's here to help. Send in some questions and he'll offer some advice. On anything. Well, almost anything.