Campaigners in last-ditch effort to patronise voters

Campaigners for both sides of the Scottish independence debate have been out in huge numbers in a last-ditch effort to patronise voters.

Across Scotland campaigners armed with only signs and spurious emotive arguments have been roaming the streets, attempting to find undecided voters to treat with condescension.

“This is the last push now,” said Judy Brent, who works for the ‘Yes’ campaign. “We’ve been patronising people for a whole year, but it’s vital that we keep it up just that little bit longer so that no voter has the opportunity to be treated like an adult who can make up their own mind.”

“You there!” she shouted after a man cycling past. “Would you rather be rich beyond your wildest dreams with oil revenue or have the NHS turned into a giant chain of Tescos? Because that’s the choice you’re facing. Vote ‘Yes’!”

‘No’ campaigners were also keen to talk to voters as if they were children. “What will happen with independence? Nobody can know, because that’s in the future,” explained Gordon Brown to a group of Labour supporters. “We can literally have no idea. What if there’s a hurricane? Or a big robot shark that could kill everyone? Those sound like pretty big risks to me, and yet we’ve heard nothing about them from the ‘Yes’ camp.”

Alex Salmond was also out in force. “This is a once-in-a-generation opportunity to speak down to the public and resort to base populism,” he said, waving the Scottish flag in front of a massive crowd. “If we don’t make the most of it then we’ll never be able to patronise the electorate in quite the same way again.”

“The only way to ensure change happens is to stick with the status quo and aggressively vote down change,” argued Brown, before adding, “Do you want me to explain it in smaller words?”