K12144

I tend to answer questions like that very honestly--"when are you having kids?" "I'd rather die than have kids." "Are you submissive to your father/significant other?" "I think if God had wanted me to be treated like a child he'd have given me the intellect of a child, but I don't believe I'm automatically inferior to another person because of the genitalia I happen to have been born with." "Don't you think everyone was too harsh on Michael Vick?" "I think torture would've been too good for him." And then after they're well aware of my views and feel like harassing me for it, THEN I can change the subject or refuse to discuss it. It's probably not the right way to do things, but usually when these questions are asked, it's about something I do NOT want to be mistaken for being in agreement with...I'm afraid I'm not very good at evading some conversations without argument!

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valkyre

I think in this case, the bean-dipping is too blatantly changing the subject. I think the bean dip strategy works better in uncomfortable situations where *everybody* would welcome a change of subject. In the case of people who won't let it rest, it's probably better to state outright, "what goes on during counselling sessions is a private matter between me and Fiance."

THEN bean dip!

Perfect.

I was actually going to post about this subject tonight, people that ask invasive questions and WON'T LET UP no matter how polite you are trying to deflect talking about it.

Someone I know has been asking in depth about my sisters reproductive choices and any arrangements that may have been made before her marriage. This particular person "appears" to care on the outside, but is just looking for an opening to criticize or state her own opinions, ones that I don't care to hear in the least.

I think I will now tell this person that the topic is a private one between my sister and her hubby, that I have no knowledge of any arrangements, don't have any opinions or say on the matter even if I did, and THEN change the subject.

Thanks! Didn't mean to turn this into a post about my issues, but you all have really helped here.

Some people just don't know when to shut their mouths.

Juuuust before you do, (or if you get people like this butting in about birth control) did they work in the medical field? If so, they may be trying to give you information that most Doctors don't offer. Most women go on the pill. The important part of this is *it may sometimes take 3-4 cycles before you will know if it's a medication you can tolerate, or one that will cause problems or not cover you sufficiently.* I worked for a Doctor, who told me if I ever went on the pill, to start is no LATER than 3 months before the wedding or sex. My 4th month on the pill I had some issues and had to change to a different prescription. Made me wish I had started 6 months before. SO...there sometimes *is* a method to people's madness, when they ask super personal questions.

SM: So Shatzie, is your premarital counseling teaching you how to be a good submissive wife?

Cheeeeez, your SM and my DM should get together. Sounds like they might be related, though I'm not going to depress everyone with stories of my dear mater. I will say that if anyone had ever asked ME that question, steam would have come out me ears, I tells ya. 'Good submissive wives' don't get things done, and any man with a spine doesn't want one.

If she ever asks that again, just smile sweetly and reply "FH wasn't looking for a doormat or a wet dishrag, and I would be marrying him if he was. Have you tried the guacamole? It's really good."

I am a "good, submissive wife" and I assure you my husband is not lacking in spine, nor am I lacking in brains or willpower. I also get a great deal done on a daily basis.

Everyone structures their marriage differently and while it was rude to press when the OP was clearly trying to change the subject, it is not rude to hold or express opinions on how to form a good marriage, particularly when talking to a daughter/step-daughter.

(cut a bit just to save space)Fiance and I had dinner with Toxic Dad and Stepmom the other night. Stepmom, clueless, decided to ask some *very* invasive

cut to:DAD: Are you trying to change the subject, Shatzie? Your stepmother asked you a question.ME: A very invasive question. Fiance, how was work today?Dad and Stepmom would.not.let.it.rest. I tried bean dipping more, but conversation became very stilted. Was there a better way to handle this?

I think you did fine but am wondering if or how your fiance' answered your question and if he backed you up.

I think the reason you felt the conversation became stilted is because there was more than just insensitivity and/or rudeness going on here. ToxDad and CluelessStepmom appear to actively working together to set a course for your marriage based on theirs marriage and/or their beliefs.

You can sidestep questions w/ beandip or other ploys in social settings as the social setting is a temporary situation and you can then step away from stilted conversation.

Finance's parents are going to be a part of your life as longs as y'all are married or longer if there are kids involved.

So (again just my opinion) at some point you and your finance may (well IMHO WILL) need to sit down with this couple, maybe over dinner and set some boundaries. Finance needs to be the primary speaker too as this is 'his' side that needs to be set straight.

I personally like to begin such a conversation by crediting the guilty parties with noble motives "I am sure you mean well and... we both respect the choices you've made for your relationship which do appear to be working for you two... and we know you both want to extend the same respect to us...." then lay it out.

- We've both decided our marriage is to be an equal partnership (or whatever you've decided) and - We both feel conversations within a counseling session should remain private.

At this point, you're going to find out if this couple will 'agree to disagree' with you both over this pretty fundamental* difference of opinion on how roles are to be established in a marriage.

Depending on how toxic dad is, this may end up being the opening for him to cut son off emotionally or financially so you both may wish to relate this story to your pre-marriage counselor and be prepared for the fall out. You and your finance know these people and y'all may wish to take that into consideration when you select a time and a place. (Like maybe- get thru the wedding with everybody being superficially friendly.)

Or maybe bringing it up now to see how finance will or won't back you up SHOULD be done before the wedding.

BTW * when I said "fundamental", I meant "basic or foundational' not 'fundamental' as in religious- although if they're basing how your marriage should be structured on their religion, maybe before the wedding is also a good time to spell out which church (if any) finance' will be attending... or not as that could really cause an explosion.

There are times when Evil and Snarky want to grab some strawberries, whipped cream, a horsewhip, and ask DH where he put the red leather corset..............but so far they have managed to keep changing the subject instead of saying "okay, let's get the equipment together and go to work on that RIGHT NOW". Menopause has ended the need to be asked about more kids - so now we have had one or two questions about grandkids.

We tell them that we aren't asking because we don't want to think about it until we are old enough to have grandkids - say, seventy or so!