Affairs are the epitome of the erotic and we can learn from them

“Do you expect me to believe that you just slipped inside of her? “Oh, I’m terribly sorry, I tripped over this bench and fell into your vagina?!””

Matt’s wife, Jessica, has recently come across evidence that he’s been having an affair with a woman named Catherine. Do you believe Matt when he says it just happened?

Secrecy

Matt and Catherine met at a bar while Matt was out with a mutual friend, James. Catherine was intelligent, sexy, and outspoken. Matt instantly felt attracted and stayed at the bar chatting with her, way after his friend called it a night. Before leaving, they added each other on whatsapp and promised to speak soon.

When Matt got home, he didn’t mention Catherine to Jessica. He updated her on how James was and went to sleep. The following morning he woke up thinking about Catherine.

Over the next couple of weeks, every time a whatsapp message came through, Matt felt a kind of excitement that he hadn’t felt for a long time. They chatted about music, podcasts, places they’d travelled and places they wanted to go. The messages were becoming warmer, with nicknames, playful teasing and “xx”s on the end of them. Matt reasoned that he was allowed to have friends – big deal if she’s a woman. But he never read her messages when Jessica was around.

Time

Catherine mentioned that it had been a while since they last chatted in person, and it’s a shame because they get along so well. Matt agreed and they planned to meet for a drink after work, at the same time he would usually be at the gym.

On the morning before their get-together, Matt got dressed with more thoughtfulness than he usually does. He considered which boxers and shirt look best on him and he put on his favourite after-shave.

“You look nice”, Jessica said as he left the house.

“Thanks babe.” He kissed her. “See you later.”

Fantasy

All day Matt anticipated meeting Catherine. He remembered her eyes locked in on his; how intensely she listened to him, like he was the most interesting person in the room. He remembered the curve of her hips in her skirt and he wondered what it would be like to spread her legs open to see what’s hidden between them.

Remembering Jessica, he felt guilty and shook these thoughts out of his head. “She’s just a friend” he told himself. But the thoughts came back, again and again.

Selfishness

Matt shut down his computer, and closed his folders. It was time and he felt nervous; he wondered if maybe he should back out of it. But he had promised Catherine that they’d meet and he reasoned that he deserved a night out every once in a while.

“Off to gym.” He texted Jessica.

And turned his phone to airplane mode.

Did it really “just happen”?

You know where this ends up; with Jessica suspecting that Matt’s been different lately and having a look at his phone, hoping to ease her suspicions. Instead she finds Whatsapps: “You’re fucking hot”, “Yesterday was amazing!”, “Dreaming of you xxx”… Four weeks into the affair, Matt says it all “just happened”, like it was somehow out of his control. So, now I ask you, do you think the affair did just happen or do you think that at some level it was pre-meditated?

On seeking the erotic at home

Affairs are the epitome of erotic life; they are shroud in secrecy and they are highly sexually exciting. At the beginning of the interaction, the lovers don’t know if or when they are going to sleep together, but they see it as a possibility and they are open to it. Their intention (as guilt-provoking as it may be) is set.

As destructive as affairs can be, we learn a lot about the erotic through understanding their essential features. There are aspects of affairs that are found in all of them, namely: secrecy, time, fantasy and selfishness. When we learn how to creatively channel these 4 elements of erotic life into our long-term relationships, we experience the excitement of sexual aliveness, without the devastation of betrayal.

Tune in to Let’s Talk About Sex on XFM 100.2 with Melanie Kelly on Thursday 12th July at 9pm, where we’ll discuss how you can use the elements of an affair to create erotic space within your relationship. If the timing’s not good for you, you can watch it on YouTube after the show airs. Subscribe to the YouTube channel to be notified whenever we publish a new video!

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Emma Hogg, Founder of A Life I Choose

Hi! I'm Emma. I’m a psychotherapist who lives, breathes and eats the science of joyfulness, wellness and achievement. All the work I do is fuelled by my deep wish to belong to a world where people actively choose their lives!
A person without choice is an unhappy individual. A person who passionately and resiliently lives their purpose experiences joy and fulfilment daily.
If you’re like me and you see that the more people are consciously engaging in life, the happier our world will be, then we need you to be a beacon of this message by living it! My blog is one of my ways of creating dialogue with you, so that together, we can have a greater impact on our world. x
View all posts by Emma Hogg, Founder of A Life I Choose

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Hi! I’m Emma.

I’m a psychotherapist who lives, breathes and eats the science of joyfulness, wellness and achievement. I’m the Founder of A Life I Choose, a self-development agency that guides clients to amplify their strengths so they can overcome any challenge and create the life they really want.

All the strategy sessions, workshops and talks I give are fuelled by my deep wish to belong to a world where people actively choose their lives! A person without choice is an unhappy individual. A person who passionately and resiliently lives their purpose experiences joy and fulfilment daily.

If you’re like me and you see that the more people are actively engaging in life, the happier our world will be, then we need you to be a beacon of this message by living it! My blog is one of my ways of creating dialogue with you, so that together, we can have a greater impact on our world.

With love x

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