Peter Crouch decided recently the the only way he could make himself any uglier was by losing most of his teeth, and so that's why he headbutted Fabricio Coloccini. With his teeth.

Now sporting a fancy moustache, Peter Crouch has basically turned into Rickety Cricket with his latest venture into human aggressive surgery. It's a new craze sweeping the internet like planking, gangnam style or porn but still he'll get to go home and plead with his mega hot girlfriend to let him sleep in the same bed.

This is a picture of Crouch in 10 years once he's not a footballer and has run out of love potion to use on Abbie Clancy

Referees are genuinely hated by crowds of football fans and are even discriminated against for their visual impairment. It's an evil society we live in, friends, but luckily for Mark Clattenburg he got a standing ovation on his first game back from being not-racist.

The referee was famously recently sort of apologised to by Chelsea, who are absolutely terrified that he sues them but that hasn't put him off. Good old Mark has been refereeing anything he can in the last few weeks to stay sharp - working in the gym to ensure his card awarding hand is super pumped and ready. Or maybe he watched TV and went on the internet. WE HAVE NO WAY OF KNOWING

Wednesday, 28 November 2012

Rafa Benitez was almost certainly hired because Abramovich believes he can get the very best out of his man, Fernando Torres. INCORRECT

Rafa has correctly identified that Torres completely sucks now and has lost the one true weapon - his pace - that he had. This weapon was not as deadly as say, a gun or even a saucepan in the right circumstances, but just because those things have my finger prints on them doesn't mean I used them to kill. I mean uhhhh what missing waitress were you talking about?

Anyway

Abramovich is believed to have been convinced Benitez was his best option after seeing a Gillette advert. The powerful slogan turned his mind to how the new Spanish boss could turn Torres into 'the best a man can get' but it transpires that this is going to be like finding a deodorant can with still a little bit of spray in it, but then the spray becomes air half way through. You're still pleased you have deodorant but it was no where as good as when it was full and didn't miss open goals.

Anders Lindegaard has rightly pointed out that it's about time homosexuality is tolerated in football because it's a natural human instinct and that someone should make a stand! SOMEONE SHOULD BE BRAVE ENOUGH TO TAKE A STAND!!!! But not him. He's not gay by the way

The widely accepted reason that no footballer is openly gay is that football fans are morons and would sing nasty songs and generally make this person's life a lot worse than it used to be. In 2012 this really shouldn't be an issue and if you can get people thrown out of games for abusing people for being not-white, we must be able to get rid of others who don't understand homosexuality. I'm all for this gay hero to come forward but I like how Lindegaard had his hot wife with him to make sure everyone knew that he wasn't gay. Just incase ANYONE wasn't sure

He could also have just been trying to convince one of his Man United teammates that it's totally acceptable to go gay so that he can have his dream threesome. And tbf, I would probably bang Anders Lindegaard if it meant I got to have a go on his wife afterwards. That's what that Meatloaf song was about

By now I think we are all in agreement that the Europa League/Uefa Cup is just about the stupidest cup of all time. The clubs earn hardly any money, it absolutely destroys their limited playing squads and no-one enjoys playing in it. Now Uefa are going bin it! YAAAAY!

The only time that the UEFA cup was good was when Aberdeen finally made it into Europe a few seasons ago, and the only reason this was good was because EVERYONE hates having to watch Motherwell four times a season. IT'S REALLY BORING. Now teams like Spurs, Liverpool and Newcastle who could probably do half a job in the Champs league anyway, have to get all their players injured and not qualify for the 'real' european league next season, or they play their children, lose and look stupid. Michel Platini said:

The Europa League is super lame and everyone can have free ice cream sandwiches if they do 'the crab dance' right now, at their work place.

What a great day for everyone!!!!! DO THE CRAB DANCE CRAB DANCE CRAB DANCE

Tuesday, 27 November 2012

Remember school football? Remember the fat P.E teach shouting from the sidelines, the pissing rain and awful pitches? Remember the linesman fighting with a overly competitive Dad? What?

I thought everyone in Trinidad just chilled out and played steel drums? Not these guys, this was during a cup final between two secondary schools. The linesman didn't give a penalty and the result was an angry fan running onto the pitch to tell him how he was utterly flabbergasted at the decision. Although he told him with his fists.

The linesman fought him off with his fists of fury and linesman flagstick beater. I like how the fan was reprimanded but still the lino wants to batter him. How does that taste? That's the taste of street justice.

Chelsea tried to ruin Mark Clattenburg's reputation. He was found not guilty and probably due an apology, but Chelsea don't do apologies.

"The club regrets not having given more consideration before issuing a statement on the evening of Sunday 28 October. The club also regrets the subsequent impact the intense media scrutiny had on Mark Clattenburg and his family."

That's close enough I guess. Nobody likes to apologise, there is nothing worse than realising you have been a completey wrong about something and made to look like a gigantic penis. A "line has been drawn" under the incident. I wonder who get's to draw the line? How do you apply for that job?

Mark will be welcomed back with open arms to Stamford Bridge but I guarantee he still gets booed. Hopefully he will give the other team a ghost goal, hopefully an actual ghost will appear to haunt John Terry from now until the day he dies. I don't mean like a scary ghost, just an annoying one that turns off his alarm clock or turns up the heat under his baked beans to ruin his dinner. What I've written is utter nonsense, racists don't eat baked beans.

Pep Guardiola is still unemployed and living with his parents. Things will remain this way until Alex Ferguson dies, according to my sources.

Benitez will probably last a few weeks at Chelsea and it's believed that Abramovic will throw all manner of luxurious items at Pep to try and get him to sign -like lemon Source shower gel and slippers. However Pep is only interested in signing for Manchester United said some guy who probably doesn't exist.

I thought Mourinho wanted the Manchester United job? Perhaps they will have a fight to the death? Or a penalty shootout, I've heard Mourinho loves a stint in goals. Maybe they can settle the who's a better manager debate by playing Football Manager. Both have to go Halifax town, the first won to win the Champions League is the winner.

Sky are currently trying to get me excited about Aston Villa Vs Reading, they are going to have to try harder than this.

Monday, 26 November 2012

Having been abroad SEVERAL times, I feel rather cultured. I've been to lots of different countries yet still my accent is totally stupid and native English speakers struggle to understand me. I haven't picked up any European accent at all. Joey Barton has.

If you remember that Steve Mclaren video where he speaks English as though he is foreign to the language, that's what Joey Barton's sort of done here. He is, how you say, talking the words how someone with intermediate grasp of the grammar and sentence structure might.

In his defence at least he's trying to get people to understand him by not using a thick Liverpool accent in French press conferences - it's difficult enough to understand as a native English speaker. As for girls, they should never use thick scouse accents because they make me feel like I'm only being chatted to so her cousin can steal my hubcaps outside. I've foiled your dastardly plan, wench!

I can never tell if I like Hot Chip or not because that 'Over and Over' song has bits in it that sound like a futuristic bee is trapped behind the wall and some of their stuff is pretty boring, but here's a video that made even me laugh. They call me the stone man usually.

I don't want to ruin the ending too much but basically everyone gays up and it's really funny. Also the song is actually pretty cool and not as long as their previous epics. The only people who really like Hot Chip are DJs because people pretend to love it since it's hip, and also Over and Over is long enough that you can run for a piss and get back in time to mix the next track. The other one I used to use was 'Don't Stop Till You Get Enough' by MJ.

Neil Lennon is very professional and that's why he regularly gets very angry with supporters and throws tantrums, like this week where he's decided that he will run away if they want him to! You're so unfair! God!!!!!!!!

Like Jack pointed out earlier, Celtic have absolutely no challenge in the SPL now that Rangers are gone and it must be a really challenging thing to motivate the Celtic players. Apart from the fact that they should comfortably win every game they play and their wage bill is about 10 times of that every other club and they have all the best players there's just no real need for the players to try and their home form has been shite. Lennon said:

But they do want him to and he hasn't gone, so this is a lie. This is like when my girlfriend says 'if you ever try and call me again I will phone the police' but she never does because I still have a key and can watch her sleep at night. Life can be so beautiful sometimes. When I say girlfriend I think I mean neighbour.

When Carlos Tevez isn't busy fleeing the country or leaving his pay check lying around, he's out breaking driving laws and then not providing information to the police.

Tevez was driving in the exotic resort of Morecambe when police pulled him over for speeding but unfortunately for our hero, he didn't have any identification for him. This is apparently very illegal so he got some points and is now banned because he pleaded guilty to having no proofs of person on him. I don't understand why he didn't just google himself on his phone and show them that, or how two policemen couldn't recognise Carlos Tevez. Surely when they say 'do you have any identification?' he can just point at his own face and say 'my face'?

Arsene Wenger was once regarded as one of the finest managers in the world. There were calls for him to be made manager for life at Arsenal and only the stupid would question his decisions during games and in transfers. Now he kinda sucks

Wenger is a giant communist and believes that everyone should be paid around about the same regardless of importance to the squad because it encourages kinship and no-one gets all fancy about the place. And that's why players like Van Persie, Nasri and Fabregas all wanted to leave because when you're that good and realise that you're being paid the same as Marouane Chamakh, something has gone wrong. That would be like if you worked in a hospital as a doctor and the janitor's cousin's son's former room-mate was being paid the same as you. And also he was Marouane Chamakh

Honestly this might be my favourite football related story ever. Man City defender Kolo Toure has been caught out having an affair with a student, who believed that he was a Ghanaian car salesman named Francois. For two years. Ha aha a aa ha haaaa

According to the Mirror, Kolo used to sneak into the Zimbabwean model's house wearing baseball cap and sunglasses, managing to keep the affair going for about two years without anyone knowing.

That picture above is of him getting married to his wife by the way. Did I mention that he got married while he was also plowing this other girl? No? Oh well he did.

“I believed everything he said, I am hurt and confused by it all. Maybe he wanted me to be a second wife. I just don’t know. Everything about his strange ­behaviour now all makes sense.”

So perhaps this helps us better understand why he has such a terrible control over his weight. Not only has he had to put up with two whining women, but he's also probably had dinner with one then been like 'oh I'm just going out.... for a while' and the other one's made him another meal so he has to eat that as well.

'How did he get found out?' I hear you ask. Shockingly, someone recognised him when he was out with his pretend girlfriend. Even though he did his very best to cover it up. Something like this:

Sunday, 25 November 2012

The best thing about Rangers being thrown into the Division Three jungle is that Celtic have stopped trying as hard. When they don't try they lose to teams like Caley Thistle and let Aberdeen sit second in the league.

Part-time chimney sweeper Billy McKay scored the only goal of the game to give the mighty Caley a 1-0 win. Neil Lennon was raging after the game because fans called him a useless ginger prick, only a matter of weeks since they defeated Barcelona.

"I can't repeat it [what fans said] because it is public arena but there were a lot of expletives and heavy criticism, which I didn't think was justified and [there was] a lack of patience with the team as well."

Celtic will still win the league so fans should either shut up or geeeeeeeet out. They are one game away from qualifying for the last 16 of the Champions League and it's hard for them to concentrate on the league without their mortal enemy to be angry against. Imagine Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles without Shredder? It would basically just be a cartoon about a group of stoners surfing and eating pizza.

Oh and well done Caley - they have scored in every single league game so far this season - I read that on the internet so it must be true.

Friday, 23 November 2012

Here's a reminder of the two wonderful videos we have for you this week over in YouTube land!

In this episode of the Fitba Team, I read Jack the story of Thanksgiving and we watch as Christopher Colombus takes his England side to be beaten by the natives at their own game. Also there's a penis joke that we managed to convince Copa90 to leave in

In this lovely video we make fun of a recently unemployed person called Roberto Di Matteo who, as it turns out, is actually from Switzerland and not Italy.

Next week's episode of the Fitba Team will feature a very special guest so we will see you then. TTFN

Frank Lampard's move to LA Galaxy is all but officially confirmed according to some stories on the internet and the only thing holding it back is his desire to see out the season with Chelsea.

The midfielder hasn't featured in too many of Chelsea's games this year because he's basically too old now but at the age of 34 he's just coming into his prime for the MLS! La Galaxy want the England player to replace current hero David Beckham who is set to move on to pastures new once the current season ends and this move will suit Lampard to the ground because America has Taco Bell and that's the only thing he has to eat all of before he can leap.

Great timing by QPR chairman Tony Fernandes as he today attempted to sneak through the sacking of Mark Hughes and almost certain subsequent hiring of Harry Redknapp WHO ACTUALLY KNOWS WHAT HE IS DOING

QPR released this statement about 10 minutes ago:

"The circumstances we find ourselves in have left the board of directors with very little choice but to make a change,"

"The board will now be working actively to put a new managerial structure in place as soon as possible."

That 'managerial structure' has reportedly been in place now for about two weeks while QPR waited for a sign that they should get rid of Hughes, who I can't remember having ever signed someone actually good. The best player he bought while in charge of anyone was Robinho and I don't think he even knew that was happening. With a massive transfer budget to spend over a whole summer, Hughes successfully managed to win 0 games so far this term and actually only avoided relegation by goal difference or something last season. So well done to you, sir!

If he'd have been in charge of a McDonalds it would be the equivalent of hiring people who were fired for fraud from the oil industry and then not understanding why none of them actually tried when he asked them to make burgers.

Over in Belgium a stadium announcer helped a league team save a penalty by using his mystical powers to tell them where the ball was going. True story.

In a fifth division game in the land of chocolate, a second half penalty threatened to undo the home side as they tried to protect a 1-0 lead. Unbeknownst to the travelling team, a secret weapon lay dormant waiting to be unleashed. As the referee blew his whistle the stadium announcer summoned his wizard skills and shouted 'Yo - GO LEFT' (in Flemish or French) and the keeper did and THEN HE SAVED THE SHOT! OH MY WORD. You can watch it here at 31.10

Scholars maintain that we will never know whether anyone actually listened to what this guy said but let's dare to dream. It's like that time I was in charge of a baseball team and ordered my players to hit home runs, and then they did! I am a master tactician and psychologist.

I'm pretty sure this is the first time it's ever actually happened, but Football Manager has finally gotten someone an actual management job! 21 year old Vugar Huseynzade is in charge of FC Baku thanks to his PC based CV.

Huseynzade is from Sweden and has reportedly beaten big names like France legend Jean-Pierre Papin to the job, making the whole thing seem slightly weirder than it already was. Along with some work experience for a sports agency in the USA, the student's CV was otherwise made up of various exploits on Football Manager and this was enough to convince FC Baku that he was their man. They play in the national stadium of Azerbaijan.

I would say that I regret not applying for this job myself after multiple trophy wins with various teams but as you may remember I gave up Football Manager in 2005, going totally cold turkey after it cheated on me. Repeatedly. I have to admit that I have since been drawn back in by unsupportive friends but I think I have enough of a lid on it to not go full retard. Then again that's what I said about my serial murdering spree. The fun is in the hunt!

Thursday, 22 November 2012

Step right up sports fans! Our Thanksgiving Special (it has nothing to do with Thanksgiving) is now live on Copa90! We wanted to do something a bit different this week and that's why you've got a little adventure episode

It took forever to make so we hope you enjoy it. Two videos in a week - we are such champions.

Tuesday, 20 November 2012

David Beckham has revealed that he will leave LA Galaxy when his contract expires in January or February. Whenever the MLS season finishes. He wants one more challenge!

Imagine that photo was of one of your mates. You'd absolutely HATE him, wouldn't you? You'd think 'what is wrong with you man?! Stop doing that!' and he'd try and wear a scarf indoors. YOU SHOULDN'T WEAR A SCARF INDOORS. People in France might not mind however, and PSG have sort of announced that they want to sign him, if only for the £££££££££££££ in shirt revenue he'd generate and it seems sensible enough. The French league is actually interesting now there's some money behind it but he could also move to Australia or China. In Australia everything is upside down and you live in fear of kangaroos while in China they poo on the street and eat white people. And that is just science, my friends.

Arsene Wenger has revealed his secret plan to turn Arsenal into a lean, mean killing machine this January by signing Thierry Henry AGAIN! SCANDAL

I'm all for this because Henry is ace. Who cares if he's old, have you seen some of the goals he's scored this year? They're really good.

And even if he was 52 he'd still be better than Chamakh. Arsenal could just put someone in a crocodile costume on the pitch and get them to pretend to attack people's legs so they get scared and then the team could score 11 goals every game. And they would know this if Arsene WOULD EVER ANSWER HIS DAMN PHONE

Robert Earnshaw, Welsh striking extra-ordinate, is currently that terrified that he might literally die at any minute after watching some missiles blow up directly above his training ground. Did I mention he lives in Israel just now? I should mention that bit

There's some stuff going on in Israel just now and I know that because I read the news today. Oh my god don't you read the news? There's this war going on between Gaza (not Paul Gascoigne) and some jewish people and Israel and stuff is blowing up everywhere. Earnshaw plays for Tel Aviv and has said:

"They say virtually every missile thrown into Tel Aviv is intercepted, but there is always that chance one or two might come through or whatever,"

"We were training, just about to start training and we saw the interceptors - because you don't know where the rockets are launched from - go directly in the sky.

"It was literally right above us and they sort of blew up in mid-air.

Earnshaw is currently side-lined with a hamstring injury but I can't help but feel that a good footballing decision he could make right now would be to FUCKING MOVE AWAY AS FAST AS YOU CAN. FUCKING RUN THERE ARE MISSILES ABOVE YOUR HEAD THAT'S NOT COOL MATE

I also haven't ruled out the possibility that America is actually firing missiles at Robert Earnshaw because they think he's that thing that escaped from Area 51

Paramedics provide a truly amazing and courageous service to people in need and I'd like to just thank them for that. Current Wolves player Adam Hammill wanted to go one step further than me though, and that's why he attacked two of them, whilst utterly shit faced.

Hammill, currently on loan at Huddersfield, managed to avoid being sent to jail somehow after he assaulted two paramedics outside of a night club that he collapsed inside. The fact that he himself had been assaulted previous to the incident is relevant, but so perhaps is the "15 pints of lager and several shots" that he had consumed. That amount of booze is probably enough to get an elephant pissed, let alone an idiot human, and so as the paramedics tried to put him in a wheel chair his immediate response was to attack them, leaving one (a girl no less!) with a bleeding nose.

I bet that taught her! Am I right lads? OI OI BANTER!

But seriously that really sucks, and he says he's embarassed about it. So I think we all learned a lesson today. Adam learned not to physically assault paramedics and I learned the true spirit of Christmas

Please bear with me when I explain that I understand about 10% of all this Rangers tax stuff but according to the news, Rangers won some big court case about all that money they were supposed to owe. Is this good? I really have no idea

Don't get too excited, sports fans, for Sevco are still confined to the gross depths of the Scottish Third Division and that's not likely to change anytime soon, or at least it won't until the SPL inevitably finds a way to automatically promote them. So now it turns out they weren't *really* completely cheating yet the club has been liquidated? And relegated? This is like finding out that the guy your ex left you for turned out to be a total no-hope waster and he sucks, and she got fat and you wouldn't even touch her now and she could have just stayed with you this whole time and you could have been happily married instead! Ha ha! AHahaa aha a ahahahahaah! Ah hahah ah ahaahahahah OH GOD I'M SO LONELY

Monday, 19 November 2012

Raheem Sterling will be rewarded for his dribbles with a contract worth around £30,000 a week, mental.

Sterling has taken the worldEuropeBritainEngland Liverpool by storm this season. He's been dribbling and crossing and setting up goals for his club and thus will be rewarded with a new deal. With 18 months left on his current deal it's panic time. Brendon Rodgers wants to make sure he is signed up before he enters into the last 12 months of his contract and is stolen by a bigger team.

Already an England international, big things are expected of Sterling because he is English and therefore the best young player in the world. If he wasn't already playing for Liverpool they would be offering £50m for him. Sterling looks like such a nice, innocent young lad - then you remember that he has more children than Premier League goals. At the age of 17 he has three children to two different mothers, plays for Liverpool and England, and will soon be on £30k a week. When I was 17 I played Grand Theft Auto: Vice City, a lot. Some would say I wasted my life but they clearly didn't play Vice City.

Mark Clattenburg will sit out his fourth round of Premier League matches - which in football time is about 40 years.

This is still going on? I thought he was innocent? Mark has ruled himself out of this weekends games, saying that he doesn't want to ref with the case still unresolved. I imagine he's just had a few weeks off and realised that working is actually shit. Working is horrid at the best of times, at the worst of times you have 22 players and 22,000 fans calling you a wanker.

The FA are still to make a decision on whether Mark said something racist, or something geordie that sounded racist to someone who can't really speak English. It's believed that a decision will be made at the end of this week. If he is found guilty, he will be banished to referee the Irish League - although most people believe this to be too harsh a punishment.

Spurs could probably have beaten Arsenal this weekend if it hadn't been for Adebayor getting himself sent off in the first 20 minutes. Luckily for him, AVB doesn't really mind and he's proud of his team being absolutely pummelled.

I have a feeling that the third instalment in the AVB rap odyssey is probably going to be required at some point quite soon because Spurs just don't seem to know how to play like the man wants them to. There's no doubting that the man knows his stuff, and his post-match 'we are proud' stuff is clearly just a way to not let his team's confidence drop like a broken roller coaster, but you lost 5-2, man. You got properly done. The only way this could have gone worse for you is if you lost 6-2. Or if you hadn't scored a goal at all.

Hey you know what I was thinking today? Isn't it weird how two totally separate dogs can be terrified of a hoover, even though they don't know each other and have never seen another dog doing so on the TV. Nor have they read any anti-hoover propaganda. That's crazy isn't it?

Mark Hughes has refused to resign and will battle on in his bid to get QPR relegated! Wait I mean, not relegated. Or do I? Does Mark Hughes even know anymore?

The Welsh manager has received public backing from chairman Tony Fernandes up until now, with the milionaire tweeting something about how he's 'really gutted that [his] team is so awful because it cost a lot of money to put together'. Someone should have been there to quality control these guys - Jose Bosingwa has been shit for about four years yet he's one of the main guys. And Rob Green gets signed to live on the bench?! This is like buying Harry Potter lego and then crying when you can't build a space ship out of it. Because you bought little gay wizards instead.

Roberto Di Matteo was having the time of his life this summer - he'd just won the Champions League, he had a permanent job at a massive club and his new signings were tearing up the the opening weeks of the Premier League. Now it's winter he's not good enough!

Roman Abramovich has already started to tighten the metaphorical vice around the Chelsea 'hot seat' and Di Matteo's position is already under threat with the blues only winning 3 out of their last 7 matches! There are confirmed reports that the Italian went absolutely tits at his players after they lost to West Brom but tbd it's not really Di Matteo's fault so much as it's Fernando Torres' fault. That guy just doesn't know what's going on at all and it's also probably not his fault either seeing as Abramovich is permanently convinced that he'll turn out amazing one day. It's like putting wings on a car and hoping it will fly when you push it over a cliff because you saw it on the internet once. All you actually get is a car that doesn't work at all. And a murder trial that takes foreeeeeever.

Snoop Dogg has revealed that he wants to invest in some shares in Glasgow Celtic because he loves the banter, and because he's rich. Sorry about the headline, I feel like you expected more.

The rapper, who I think is now called Snoop Lion, was speaking to someone recently about Celtic and how they were his number one team. As one of the only very famous rappers who likes soccer, Snoop thinks Celtic are the team for him since his main man, David Beckham, confirmed as much to him. He said:

'I got a lot of interest in soccer. It’s not a new thing for hip hop stars to invest in sports teams but it is a new thing for hip hop stars to invest in soccer teams.

'I didn’t catch the whole Barcelona game but I watched the highlights. I know Barcelona are a big deal, and it shows Celtic are a big deal as well.

'I see how passionate Celtic fans are about their team and I could see myself making an investment if any of the board wanted to sell.

'I haven’t really thought how much. I don’t need to run a soccer club but enough of a percentage to get me on the board so I can be heard.

'I want to bring a bit of Snoop to things.

'I am passionate about my sport. The boxes at Celtic would never be the same once I have hosted a party there.'

Well, Snoop, you may have your bling, super models and your hip hop champagne pool parties, but you haven't ever partied until you've been so hammered on buckfast that you get thrown out of the Cat House. That's a VIP area only a few have discovered. Also, until you've tried to shag someone down Bath Lane and stopped to buy a 2am Scotch Pie from Greggs you similarly haven't yet provided party swagger that you can boast to be truly 'world class'.

Or something. Other jokes I could make here would be that currently VIP boxes in Celtic serve irn bru instead of champagne and some other stuff about how the Scottish community could try and act like they know hip-hop stuff while they ride their highland cows to the shops to buy milk. Why don't they just milk the cow? Another problem solved

This picture of Carlos Tevez's wage slip seems to have leaked online in the last couple of days so if you want to know what it would be like to receive a footballer's payslip, here's your chance

It's probably a hoax, and the info on the slip does say that it's from the 08/09 season which is the season before Tevez actually joined City, but what is interesting regardless, is that he lives in Macclesfield. That's like the most unexciting place I could imagine him staying. When I think of Tevez I think he'd inhabit a large cave, a crashed space ship or a small deserted island where he can feast off the prey that lives there but then again, I guess your home is what you make it. So if you happen to live in Macclesfield and get eaten while in Primark it's your own fault. You've had your warning now.

Friday, 16 November 2012

There are only a few men in the world that can say something is cute and not be called gay: Ryan Gosling, the President, war heroes, the cast of Band of Brothers and gay people. But this is definitely the cutest video I've seen since ever

In his last ever game for his club before he retired from the sport, and with his team already losing 4-1, 'Player whose name I can't pronounce' saw his number held up at the 65th minute mark and tagged out for his five year old son. It was very nice, but even cooler was how the other team let the wee boy run up the pitch, pretending to tackle him and falling over until eventually he managed to score on his debut. What hilarity, and how sweet.

One thing to note from this video is that if I took out the bit about the boy being five, the resulting footage could quite easily be described as panic defending in the SPL, and another thing to note is that already this kid is better than Emile Heskey. Australia doesn't count.

Oh hey did you hear about that goal Zlatan Ibrahimovic scored the other day? You know? That guy from Championship Manager? Oh well some commentators from around the world had and here's their commentary on it. It's really nice.

There's a YouTube clip of it, and here's a Soundcloud thing that another site called 'Off The Ball' made. I'm going to listen to that on repeat now instead of the radio, or CDs, or the TV. Basically just anything to hide the screams from outside

Aston Villa striker Christian Benteke has surprised many by not being totally awful but somewhat unsurprisingly he has revealed that he actually wants to play for Arsenal. And that he thought Villa played in London.

The Belgian player has managed to keep Darren Bent out of the Villa starting eleven this year but that won't happen for long, because he already wants to leave:

“Arsenal are the club I love. I like their philosophy of selecting young players and, besides, they had Thierry Henry.

“For me he is the best player in the world and was my boyhood idol.

“I’m not afraid of making enemies at Villa by saying I love Arsenal.

“One can say worse things. I’m a Villa player for now. They’re the right club at the right time.”

I've got to say he's handled this quite well. Sure, he probably shouldn't be letting fans of his current club know that they are a stepping stone because they won't like that, but this guy lives in Birmingham. The fact that this interview wasn't on a VHS tape he sent in from a boarded up nightmare house shows that he's settling in quite well.

Roman Abramovich has apparently finally given up on Fernando Torres and has decided to get a new Fernando Torres in January. One with an untwistable stomach!

Everyone in the world who has money wants to buy Falcao at the moment because other than Zlatan, he's almost certainly the best striker around. Not so for £50million flop Torres who is going to be known forever more as 'that guy who isn't very good anymore'. He's like when you buy a remote control car but don't realise that it can only go 'forward-right' or 'backwards-left' and when you put it on a football pitch you realise what you actually bought was a dildo on a skateboard, and you've been drunk this whole time.

With it becoming increasingly clearer that Mark Hughes doesn't really know what he's doing, QPR have reportedly already agreed a deal with old melty face himself, Harry Redknapp to take charge! Scandal!

Bookies odds are already quite short so if you want to make some money from online betting I'd suggest backing Redknapp quite quickly and if there's one thing I know about gambling it's that I'm shit at it.

The wheeler dealer has been out of managerial work for a little while now and since this job is in London I have decided that it makes perfect sense. Taking charge of that club is going to be like filtering through a box of old toys to find ones that aren't broken, chewed or really lame. Shaun Wright-Philips would be like one of those wishing troll things you get, or half an action man. Was there a black action man? Blacktion man. I should be writing this down, it's gold.

Go go go! It's the new episode of our weekly web show, available on Copa90.

In this week's episode we play 'Socceropoly' - yet another advert for a board game featuring footballers, but this time Jack dresses up. How wacky. Then we have FIFA Future Features where you can learn all about future goal celebrations. Enjoy!

Thursday, 15 November 2012

You might think that football is all glamour and expensive wine but you have to remember that some people live in Bolton. Current people who are aware of this are the banks in Bolton who are now owed about £136million.

The actual figure is £136.5million but I didn't really feel the 0.5 was necessary in describing the level of debt they have accrued. It's largely irrelevant in context with the shocking amount of the situation they are in. It's like telling someone that they look sexy today when you're at their Father's funeral. As awful as that sounds, in my defence she did look quite hot and I thought it might make her feel better, but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have shouted it while they were lowering the coffin into the furnace. Also I shouldn't have been naked

Brazil and Santos striker, Neymar, is widely regarded as one of the best in his business in world football. Luckily for him he seems to have no idea what a penalty is meant to look like

So kids, if you're reading, and if you are let it be known that you have terrible parents, this is how you don't take a penalty. You don't run from 20 yards away and then knock the ball out of the stadium, you jog up and place it firmly in the top left corner of the goal. OH AND THEN IT GOES BOTTOM RIGHT!!! See what I did there? I fooled you. I just scored a penalty against you and you didn't even realise it. You're so stupid

Because sometimes having four of the world's best strikers isn't quite enough, Manchester City are set to pay Liverpool £40million in January for Premier League top scorer, Luis Suarez. HA ha ah a aa

Now I might not be very good at football betting but I would think the odds on Liverpool finishing in a Champions League spot this year are probably quite low right now. Or high. Whichever is worse, is what I mean here. With no strikers on their books aside from the 90% useless Borini, Liverpool's strategy in future matches is likely to be '?' unless this is all nonsense, like Brendan Rodgers claims.

There will be no bidding war. Luis Suarez is staying here."

Well that may be, Brendan, but where did the rumours come from? Exactly. There's no smoke without fire! Unless it's a from a smoke machine. Speaking of which, I really hope that building I walked past last night was a particularly atmospheric disco. The flames did seem quite realistic but I couldn't tell if it was fire because of all the screaming. Shut up ladies, I'm trying to listen!

You've probably already heard this but Zlatan Ibrahimovic scored an over head kick from 30 yards last night. Oh you had heard? I see. Ah well

Now while journalists in the UK were almost literally jizzing in their own face, like when you lose control over a hose, I was just chillin' and acting all cool. Through the grapevine I heard that Zlatan had done something amazing - that potentially he had scored the greatest goal of all time.

I worried. If I watched this goal, and it truly was the greatest goal of all time, would I ever want to see another goal ever again? Would I have to kill myself, right that minute? Would I even have a choice? Would my head fall off through sheer excitement? I was filled with intrigue. And Tennants.

Slowly, my phone found a clip of 'the greatest goal ever scored' and I prepared to reassess my life values. The clip whirred into life and I witnessed it. It was happening! Here it comes! OH MY GOD IT'S GOING TO HAPPEN NOW AND THEN

It's just him fucking booting a ball over his head into an empty goal.

I do stuff like that when I'm fannying about in 5 a side all the time. "OH BUT IT WAS AGAINST ENGLAND" they say. So what? Ryan fucking Shawcross played for England last night - I'd have been surprised if Zlatan hadn't scored a 30 yard bicycle kick.

Wednesday, 14 November 2012

Fulham have beaten Manchester United, Sunderland and even the Inverurie Locos to the signing of new teen sensation "Noe Baba". Who? Fuck knows.

I just googled him to see if he was real and apparently he was born in London in 198,7 and has a BA Hons in fine art - although that might just be someone else with the same name, I guess we'll never know. He looks a bit like Gary Coleman and was actually born in Cameroon but believe me, he's as Irish as Guiness or alcoholism.

Noe is 16 but already Fulham have paid £130,000 for him and I'm sure he will turn out to be great. I'm lying, I fully expect him to delivery my pizza in about five years time. For every Wayne Rooney, there are about 100 Tonton Zola Moukokos. Not literally, that name is mental. Imagine being worth £130,000 at the age of sixteen? My Mum says I'm priceless but I know she's lying.

ECUADOR! Escúchame! Oh weren't the 90s fun? What's the last thing you expect to hit you when you are warming up before a match? A paraglider? Good guess.

Barcelona Sporting Club and LDU were playing each other in the mighty land of Ecuador. Before kick off, Barcelona striker Taca Bieler (which sounds suspiciously like Taco Bell in a Spanish accent) was minding his own business, when TWAT! He was nailed by a paraglider - watch

What this video doesn't show is that the paraglider was actually Liam Neeson. Moments after the camera stopped, he killed every single one of the players because one of them stole his favourite jacket.

Fresh off the back of peeing on things, forgotten Portugal man Ricardo Quaresma has been arrested for attacking a policeman in a court house. I don't know what part of that sentence he thought was a good idea

Currently playing for Besiktas in Turkey, Quaresma was in court as the victim of a mugging he received in Portugal previously. I can't find out what actually happened in the court room but it was enough to make him attack a police officer, which for those of you who don't know, is illegal. I can kind of understand because the other day on the radio they played Scouting For Girls and I tried to run over someone

Lionel Messi and his security team went to full on 'HOLY SHIT' mode this week when an armed Saudi Arabian guard pointed his gun at his face by accident.

The guy didn't mean it but as you've probably found out when playing with plastic guns, it's still scary for some reason when they're pointed directly at your head. I don't know if this is just friendly hospitality in Saudi Arabia but tbh I'm not surprised by most of the things I hear from that place. I'm actually surprised Lionel Messi has survived this long there without being burned as some sort of witch

Footballers are humans too, and just like lots of ordinary people they enjoy socialising with other humans. It's a natural human want. NOT IF YOU PLAY FOR PETERBOROUGH!

Four players went out on the town on Saturday evening and when manager Darren Ferguson found out, he went absolutely tits. All four received two week fines, including record club signing, 'guy I've never heard of' and all four of them moaned about it. A couple of them were like "waaaaaaah but I wasn't drinking" and Darren Ferguson was all "Peterborough is serious business guys - don't you realise?!" and then he looked all mean.

And then he phoned his Dad to ask him what to do next. Or I assume he did. That must be the elephant in the room every single time he tries to tell someone off for shoddy work - "go and get yer dad, son". Well, at least that's what happens everytime I try and explain to a mechanic what is wrong with my car

Zlatan Ibrahimovic has been doing his best to simultaneously wind up people from Liverpool and pay tribute to one of the modern game's great players by saying some stuff about Steven Gerrard.

The Liverpool captain will earn his 100th cap tonight for England and Zlatan knows just what a difficult task this is, but also that he sort of wasted his career:

“Every time we play against Steven, the coach always says to be careful because he is the player that makes the difference.

“But I would like to see Steven in - of course, Liverpool is a big club - but in a big international club.

“I would like to see it also for England, because it is very exciting when someone goes abroad and shows who he is in another competition.

"For me, a fantastic player can make a difference in every country wherever he plays.

Now the thing about this is I suppose is that Steven Gerrard has won almost every trophy he possibly could have with Liverpool - the obvious exception being the Premier League. He also did this with his hometown club, turning down the offers of guaranteed success and money to try and help his beloved club win trophies. They're worth more that way.

Zlatan Ibrahimovic flies around the world buying hotels and kicking people if they don't agree with him. He has won lots of league titles. I think.

I'm not sure what my point is here, I haven't eaten anything all day till now and I've sort of gone in a daze

Tuesday, 13 November 2012

There are reports coming through that Frank Lampard is off to join the other ex Chelsea players in China, because there is much treasure to be found. Really?

Maybe they got confused with him going for a Chinese? You know, because he's fat LOL. I wish I was as fat as Frank Lampard, despite being hideously fat, he has the appearance of a very athletic sportsman.

Why is everyone going to China? Footballers are millionaires regardless, and no matter who goes they will never convince anyone outside the country to bother watching. I can't even be fucked to watch Scottish football and I live here. My interest in the Chinese league ranks somewhere between who is shagging who in TOWIE, and where Donald Trump buys his wigs from.

Rumour is he will be offered £250k a week to eat those gross fertilised eggs and maybe score a few goals. The downside is you have to live in China and not the UK. I'm just joking but I shouldn't say too much, they are going to take over the world soon. I for one welcome our Chinese overlords...

This is a surprise! The case against the professional referee has been dropped because "there is no evidence".

Not a problem when it comes to starting a religion, but a problem when it comes to the law. If you accuse someone of being racist, having evidence usually helps, saying you do not speak English does not.

No victim came forward and there was no evidence presented, yet Clattenburg wasn't allowed to referee for three weeks and somehow this was a huge story.
"I'd like to report a murder"
"Who is the victim?"
"There isn't one"
"Ok..."
"But he was killed by Sir Trevor McDonald"
"Where's your evidence?"
"There is none."
"That's good enough for me. Throw him to the lions!"

Chelsea are doing a Liverpool this year and really trying their best to make everyone hate them. I'm sure Clattenburg saw the funny side. Trying to ruin someone's reputation and career, ha! What a hoot and a holler.

Edgar Davids swore on Goals on Sunday the other day and so I made this video of him. I really hate all these people on YouTube who just download someone else's video then upload it on their own channel to get visitors. MAKE YOUR OWN STUFF, dicks. Some guy tried it once with that Owen Hargreaves video and I sent him a VERY strongly worded email. That's how I solve most conflicts.

Alan Pardew is starting to show signs of his usual managerial trick which is 'do really well when you first take over and then get teams almost relegated'. I really hope that isn't the case, but either way he wants Andy Carroll back to help the cause!

The striker famously moved to Liverpool for £35million, which experts are calling "completely retarded". Pardew doesn't have quite that amount of money to buy him back, and nor would he spend it if he did, but he said:

"He's a Liverpool player and not wanted so at some point he's going to move permanently," said Pardew. "I'd like to think we'll be in the mix for that."

This whole thing just reminds me exactly of when Mr Burns sells the power plant to the Germans, and then buys it back much cheaper because it's clearly broken. "I think you'll find my offer most unfair"

Steven Gerrard has been cleared by medical staff to earn his 100th cap for England, becoming only one of six players to ever do this.

The other players are Peter Shilton, David Beckham, Bobby Moore, Bobby Charlton, and Billy Wright. I know all of those people except Billy Wright so I assume he used to play when everything was in black and white and the average life expectancy was about 34. Pretty much like how Newcastle is now