7 Reasons Most People Are Afraid of Love

The story of lost love is one most of us can tell, and the question, "Why do relationships fail?” lingers heavily in the back of our minds. The answer for many of us can be found within. Whether we know it or not, most of us are afraid of really being in love. While our fears may manifest themselves in different ways or show themselves at different stages of a relationship, we all harbor defenses that we believe on some level will protect us from getting hurt. These defenses may offer us a false illusion of safety or security, but they keep us from attaining the closeness we most desire. So what drives our fears of intimacy? What keeps us from finding and keeping the love we say we want?

1. Real love makes us feel vulnerable.

A new relationship is uncharted territory, and most of us have natural fears of the unknown. Letting ourselves fall in love means taking a real risk. We are placing a great amount of trust in another person, allowing them to affect us, which makes us feel exposed and vulnerable. Our core defenses are challenged. Any habits we’ve long had that allow us to feel self-focused or self-contained start to fall by the wayside. We tend to believe that the more we care, the more we can get hurt.

2. New love stirs up past hurts.

When we enter into a relationship, we are rarely fully aware of how we’ve been impacted by our history. The ways we were hurt in previous relationships, starting from our childhood, have a strong influence on how we perceive the people we get close to as well as how we act in our romantic relationships. Old, negative dynamics may make us wary of opening ourselves up to someone new. We may steer away from intimacy, because it stirs up old feelings of hurt, loss, anger or rejection. As Dr. Pat Love said in an interview with PsychAlive, “when you long for something, like love, it becomes associated with pain,” the pain you felt at not having it in the past.

Many of us struggle with underlying feelings of being unlovable. We have trouble feeling our own value and believing anyone could really care for us. We all have a “critical inner voice,” which acts like a cruel coach inside our heads that tells us we are worthless or undeserving of happiness. This coach is shaped from painful childhood experiences and critical attitudes we were exposed to early in life as well as feelings our parents had about themselves.

While these attitudes can be hurtful, over time, they have become engrained in us. As adults, we may fail to see them as an enemy, instead accepting their destructive point of view as our own. These critical thoughts or “inner voices” are often harmful and unpleasant, but they’re also comfortable in their familiarity. When another person sees us differently from our voices, loving and appreciating us, we may actually start to feel uncomfortable and defensive, as it challenges these long-held points of identification.

4. With real joy comes real pain.

Any time we fully experience true joy or feel the preciousness of life on an emotional level, we can expect to feel a great amount of sadness. Many of us shy away from the things that would make us happiest, because they also make us feel pain. The opposite is also true. We cannot selectively numb ourselves to sadness without numbing ourselves to joy. When it comes to falling in love, we may be hesitant to go “all in,” for fear of the sadness it would stir up in us.

5. Love is often unequal.

Many people I’ve talked to have expressed hesitation over getting involved with someone, because that person “likes them too much.” They worry that if they got involved with this person, their own feelings wouldn’t evolve, and the other person would wind up getting hurt or feeling rejected. The truth is that love is often imbalanced, with one person feeling more or less from moment to moment. Our feelings toward someone are an ever-changing force. In a matter of seconds, we can feel anger, irritation or even hate for a person we love. Worrying over how we will feel keeps us from seeing where our feelings would naturally go. It’s better to be open to how our feelings develop over time. Allowing worry or guilt over how we may or may not feel keeps us from getting to know someone who is expressing interest in us and may prevent us from forming a relationship that could really make us happy.

6. Relationships can break your connection to your family.

Relationships can be the ultimate symbol of growing up. They represent starting our own lives as independent, autonomous individuals. This development can also represent a parting from our family. Much like breaking from an old identity, this separation isn’t physical. It doesn’t mean literally giving up our family, but rather letting go on an emotional level – no longer feeling like a kid and differentiating from the more negative dynamics that plagued our early relationships and shaped our identity.

7. Love stirs up existential fears.

The more we have, the more we have to lose. The more someone means to us, the more afraid we are of losing that person. When we fall in love, we not only face the fear of losing our partner, but we become more aware of our mortality. Our life now holds more value and meaning, so the thought of losing it becomes more frightening. In an attempt to cover over this fear, we may focus on more superficial concerns, pick fights with our partner or, in extreme cases, completely give up the relationship. We are rarely fully aware of how we defend against these existential fears. We may even try to rationalize to ourselves a million reasons we shouldn’t be in the relationship. However, the reasons we give may have workable solutions, and what’s really driving us are those deeper fears of loss.

Most relationships bring up an onslaught of challenges. Getting to know our fears of intimacy and how they inform our behavior is an important step to having a fulfilling, long-term relationship. These fears can be masked by various justifications for why things aren’t working out—but we may be surprised to learn about all of the ways that we self-sabotage when we get close to someone else. By getting to know ourselves, we give ourselves the best chance of finding and maintaining lasting love.

Well, the reasons disclosed here truly worth digging into. Along with them, I would like to share one more reason for being afraid of love - Not Knowing the True Meaning of Love! Real love is unconditional and does not notice any mistakes of the front person such that the result is going apart. In fact, it is the permanent positive power that naturally instills happiness and sweetness in a relation no matter how the front person may be. I have actually learned about this at http://www.dadabhagwan.org/scientific-solutions/relationship/true-love-in-relationship/

I agree that true love is unconditional. Very easy to say. Very difficult to achieve.
Unfortunately many people buy into the 'Disney' style of a romantic 'in love' scenario. I too hit this only recently even after knowing that true love is unconditional (IMO) and it turns a love into a possessive need and ones life takes a different path. Then when all falls apart, it takes a while to get back to your own path in life and knowing who you are.
If you're lucky, the feelings of being 'madly in love' will subside and a closer love to being unconditional will arise with someone and you find yourself living with your best friend. This can be wonderful and possibly having a relationship with your best friend may have a better chance of lasting.
We, as a society, still put conditions on love though. We do not allow are partners to be themselves and expect them to adhere to certain rules of a relationship.
But looking for a match on a dating site? Surely that's filling the romantic need that society forces onto us that we're not complete until we have a partner?
I will not stop loving and may have one or many relationships again but I will try to treat each day as a gift and enjoy my time with whomever they are.

Aaaron, would you like to feel real love..I mean only divine love is true...anyone finding love to another ,it is deep search of love ..because it is natural....but she/he find body, talk . then condition apply for false love ...but true love has no condition...love is an occurrence inside then mind will be go end..so fear that unknown energy will destroy to Him(ego),,,so guess dada Bhagwan read to osho but have practical..I ask??

only divine love you will be eliminated ( you will be foud END) and new will be created inside

I enjoyed your post, but for me, love is just not for me. I have been in quite a few long term and not so long term relationships and it's always the same needy, obsessive, possessive, controlling, and/or abusive person over and over. I guess we really do look for our parent. I don't need that.
At my age (48), all the good ones are taken or married. Most of the rest are not even worth the bother. I have found that so many men don't grow up and don't change. I like to call it the high school mentality. They still wear the old jeans,sweatshirts,running shoes and baseball caps etc., They still talk about the same things they did in high school. Right away, if they talk about body parts - I turn a switch off in my brain. I don't want to hear dirty jokes - the switch again. In my life, I continue to change & grow in order to be a more centered,self-aware, balanced & loving person. Sometimes love just doesn't work out. I'm not interested in dating or having a romantic relationship with anyone. A lot of people don't understand that or accept that, & that's their prerogative. Most people will not get to where I'm at because society doesn't seem to put any importance on being happily alone. I would prefer to be happily alone than having to compromise to be with someone. It's always fun at first, when as Chris Rock says: "They put on their Ambassador face", but they are never who they pretend to be. It takes a long time to marinate a relationship with love, commitment, security, joy & comfort. You need maturity, patience & the ability to postpone gratification. The only person in your life who has the power to make you happy is you! I have a few good friends whom I love & who love me. That's all I need. The rest is just a fantasy for me.
In closing, I want to say that this is not for everybody, but for me. There are a lot of mitigating circumstances (information that should be kept in mind when making a decision; "another consideration is the time it would take") for my situation that I don't plan on going into here.

Gee, I think we have dated the exact same men. I could have written that myself. There is a lot more to relationships than what is written here, but something to be said about the dating game when you are pushing 50. Is it about our fears, or about growing up. Let go of disney, let go of the fantasy, start appreciating what you have . A little respect, integrity, maturity and less selfishness, idealistic mentalities . Yes we all have our flaws, our fears, it shouldn`t break a relationship that is based on many other things. There are deal breakers, but love is a choice.

Good points. This article is all me. However, is a man that earns the same exact money as you do, that pulls in less money than you do after child support, and can't contribute half the rent and bills (but pays a pretty decent amount '30-40%', and half the groceries) grounds for "Deal Breaker" status?
My gf of three years loved me, but said I wasn't earning enough because she wanted me to pay at least half.
I felt it was messed up for her to expect that knowing my situation, she knew my situation for three years. I also find it ironic that many men have been providing for many women, or women have earned less than men, but men never kicked their gf's or wives th the curb because she didn't earn half or more. I'm sorry. Call me what you will. But that's BS. Very messed up and hypocritical. She told me she "deserves more". Yes. That's what I got. If I'm married to a woman, and she ages and her body starts getting wrinkly and old, would it then be wrong for me to say "I deserve more", sorry it's not working out?
I'm not trolling, just being truthful and pointing out the blatant hypocrisy and "disney" mentality that most women today have.
They're told NEVER SETTLE. No man is good enough. When they DO date us..they remind us on a regular in their own rude, (female dog -y) ways too how we don't stack up. A LOT of men know that most women are NEVER HAPPY.
Why bother? I went MGTOW
I can't be bothered any longer. This wasn't meant to be a mean comment. But just wanted to show some perspective.

It may very well be all your saying is true. I admit I have fears, certain defenses, and I'm sure I have some fear of intimacy, but I do like my own company & in the past, I was guilty of a lot of romanticizing. I have let go of that.
I don't feel that what I expressed was really heard. I'm not interested in dating!
I have some good solid loving relationships that I feel well with.
Why is there a need to prove to me that we must get back out there and choose to love a man (in my case), and date. It's not as if I'm going to lose that ability. I just choose not to.
I do love several men, just not romantically. One close friend, who's male also enjoys not being in a relationship as much as I do and does not date nor is he interested. I have another male friend who is a confirmed bachelor, but does date. I have a few good women friends too that I love and they do date. My siblings are dating as well (one is in a relationship that started back in August 2013 - the other was in a relationship and now is dating.) I don't judge them for their choices or their beliefs. I support them.
I understand what you are trying to do here with this article is help people who would love nothing more than to be in a loving relationship & are willing to go out there & date. I appreciate that you are trying to help them. It's a great article. I applaud you. Great job. It's just not for me. I'm not saying that at some point, perhaps, there will be someone whom I cross paths with that is a good fit for me, and if that happens,trust me I will stop and pay attention, but until then not even interested in anyone I've seen in years. That's just me.

She (the person who said she is not interested in dating) may well have done so for the same reasons I did - purely from interest! I saw an intriguing article in the side bar and clicked on it, that's all. Sometimes there's not any deeper meaning to it than that.

i want love. i love, love. i think love is thee greatest thing in the whole wide world. i have had trauma happen my entire life. im a survivor of sexual abuse and a survivor of a mother who was drug addicted. after leaving home, i went off to see who i was in this big big world. doing so i found myself in strange places at times. dangerous places. where even more traumatic things would happen. i didnt know it then, while i was doing it...and allowing bad things to happen to me... i was psychologically repeating all the traumas that happened in the past as a child. formed defenses to survive in the world in order to protect myself. i made a lot of mistakes along the way. i lost people. i self-sabotaged. i was on a dark path of self destruction., i hated myself. my family and i became estranged and i could not understand why i felt punished by God. i felt so alone in this world and i wanted to just die. i really did. until one day...i met a man who changed my entire world. and i must say with the past that i have, i am so scared that i will mess this up make the wrong choice as usual and throw away something that may be good for me. im so scared to grow up and be a woman because i had my power taken so many times. i gave over my power alot because i felt that is whats required of me. intimacy and sensuality had been distorted on so many levels for me,..the fog is still lifting. this man is amazing. i believe that im in love. but i go through feelings of intense anxiety and fear that it isnt real. that it will fade that it will not last and will go away. ill be the the first to admit...im here because i want help. im searching...

Wow. I had to check the signature to see if you were the love of my life. She has the same thumbnail sketch of your life, but isn't quite out of the woods. I'm a piece of abused work myself and have nearly tanked the relationship twice from indulging my self-hating fears. So, thank you gor your post. It gives me hope on a rainy March Vermont morning. I will work through these fears and love this woman as hard as I can. I just wanted you to know how much you've helped, if only in this moment. Thanks again.

Your comments very well reasoned and articulate, and it's a shame some think you need to change what you've chosen for yourself.
It's also unfortunate that choosing a single life is so maligned in our culture. We automatically assume there is something "wrong" with that person. Yet yours is just another example of someone making a conscious, reasoned decision about how they wish to live. Your life is not without love, yet Firestone didn't hear that.
I am not as mature as you, but as someone who has also deliberately chosen singleness it is inspiring to hear from someone contented like you. Thank you.

Not For Me -- You are so on target.
Most women who are self-aware have no interest in raising grown men and allowing ourselves to be abused or jump through unnecessary hoops to manage the male ego.

You say all the good ones are taken. I think that's not necessarily true. Many married women are unhappy with their husbands but hang in there due to having invested so much time and effort to train and tame their men.

Our society promotes male superiority, a false notion, and it ends up reflecting in every aspect of misery and dysfunction within families and businesses/workplaces. The idea is insulting to progressive women and men. Yet, if someone deems himself superior, grandiosity and narcissism are sure to follow. It's easy to blame others because they never view anything wrong with them that might require change.

I agree that many marriages are "dysfunctional", and it does reflect in our society. Especially in our babies. There is a lot of bad on bad on bad. It's what was done to them. It's what society and their parents did to them and their parents' parents and their parents' parents. (I'm not denying that we are responsible for our actions.)I believe that we must start with our children. In my experience many people get married or "hook" up with the wrong person just to have someone which ultimately is a disaster.
It's so true that "Many married women are unhappy with their husbands", but also many men are unhappy in their marriages as well.
I'm not taking sides, just wanted to share my side and what is true for me.
You are right that it is still male dominated society, and I feel that women are making progress.
We all have baggage, and in my humble opinion, it's a matter of how well we've dealt with that baggage and healed from it or not. Some people refuse to look at themselves because it's painful etc.,
I enjoy my own company. I am well with being on my own.

if you’re the gemgirl from psychopathfree.com, i got booted inexplicably and there’s no way to get my abuse story back unless they email it to me.aeiaeterna@gmail.com
i’d still like to talk to you!
my email is above.

@GemGirl...
And this is why I went MGTOW.
So Feminism, and the laws created because of feminism, hasn't destroyed the family structure in the last 40 years? It was patriarchal society that destroyed it? That's just nonsense. I know many women that admit to rampant feminist policies destroying the fabric of our families and, in turn, our society. Women want it all these days. If men are so bad, years ago, did you see over 50% divorce rates and men *in droves* leaving their wives and families for all the new vagina he could have had? Not so much. No, most men stayed true to their families. If they did stray (not right at all) they didn't destroy the family over it. The family structure was valued. Today it's all about what SHE wants. Because remember....
"Happy Wife, Happy Life".
F That. Men are waking up and realizing that MOST women today are nuts. Who stands to gain in marriage? Seriously. Now, who stands to lose in marriage? No brainer folks. Men are marrying less. They see the writing on the wall. No amount of man-shaming, and being told to "man-up" won't work any longer either.
I foresee an increase in cat/dog ladies in our Future. You live in this world with others. Don't forget that.

To the person who wrote: "I've watched women, time and again, overlook good men and choose jerks and lowlifes."

When a large pool of men are immature, women may think they can change certain men. Also, lots of women have unresolved issues from family-of-origin.

But do not forget that men also tend to choose inappropriate women, thinking they can rescue the "helpless or wall flower" who is underneath it really a woman with borderline personality disorder. Such women start out very sexual, so many men think they've hit the jackpot -- only to learn the sex was for manipulation and these women don't really like sex as much as using their bodies to exploit men for money or be taken care of due to daddy issues.

So, tell me, why shouldn't I use my vagina as well as my head when choosing a mate?
Men certainly choose their mates with their "smaller heads." I want a man who is thoughtful and caring, a giver like myself. Yes. BUT. I also want a man who makes my pulse race. I don't want two men, just one. I don't see why I should have to choose either/or. I am not an either/or kind of woman. I have a number of NICE men who would like to date me, and some of them I have dated. But if chemistry is lacking, that is no one's fault, but women are expected to choose one or the other. Men don't expect to have to settle for one or the other, so why should we?
I'm 46, and from what I've seen, with the exception of "cougar hunters" who only want a physical relationship, men TYPICALLY look for women who are younger than they are. By contrast, men who are older than I am TYPICALLY look like grandpas, and I (and a lot of other women) are not attracted to that. So don't whine about how women won't date "nice" guys. Be a nice guy, AND hit the gym. You expect it of us...

As soon as my age turned to 47 on Match, I started getting hit on primarily by men in their late 50s or 60s (the age range I stated maxed out at 55). Most of them look like an unwashed, obese Grizzly Adams. These men are deluding themselves that an attractive, fit, thin woman in her 40s would be interested in them.

I first got married when I was 21 because I was passionately in love, had 2 children but soon found out that my husband was bedding other women. So that marriage ended, I then started dating a very close friend whom I didnt love but we had such a good connection, we got married had another 2 children over the 22 years I was married to him I did actually fall in love with him, but he then met somebody else younger than me and that was the en d of that marriage, 9 years have now passed since that happened, over that time Ive never wanted wanted to date anybody, Ive been getting to know myself, and love myself I think once you do that you will be much happier in life. Im now 59 and would like the company of a man again not to live with but to enjoy good times with, and possible intamacy but this time I dont want to lose my heart to anyone.
But how is that achievable.

2 failed marriages with cheaters totaling more than 20 years of your life is enough to make anyone close off their heart. I feel ya.

I don't know if it is achievable. I think many people do enter into relationships where they settle, and on some level they know they are settling, because it gives them a safety buffer where they know they won't lose their heart.

I lead with my heart. I am currently suffering pretty badly from a breakup with a guy that was unavailable (more so than I had originally surmised, apparently,) and yet I gave my whole heart. It's what I do. I'm in, or out. There's no middle ground. And I believe that (for me, at least,) that is the way to go. But I don't know that it's the healthiest way, because I do tend to lose myself, my identity, and the letdown is soul-crushing. Right now, I'm busy deluding myself into thinking that because he told me he loved me, he was in love with me, that eventually we will find our way back to each other. Now, if we are on the same page about love and being in love, that will happen. (I guess time will tell. Not that I have a lot of time at 46, before men that I find attractive no longer consider me attractive.)But after 20 years with my first husband, I found that his concept of commitment and marriage had changed, or perhaps had never entirely matched mine to begin with. He was out; I was crushed. Infidelity, major parenting differences. How could I have foreseen this? I couldn't have. No one saw it coming. Not me, him, my family, no one. Things change. Things END.

Everything ends. Life, joy, pain. There are absolutely no guarantees. You can choose to live your life protecting your heart, and you will protect yourself from some pain, but not all. Or you can open yourself to what could be, and trust. Only you can decide how much you're willing to gamble your feelings, your sanity, for love. You must go in, knowing that one day, tomorrow or in 50 years, by death or by fade away or by divorce or whatever, it WILL end. Are you willing to give up certainty for possibility? Even if you know someday, it IS going to hurt you?
I am. Bring it, baby.

[quote=sexual being]
"I'm in, or out. There's no middle ground. And I believe that (for me, at least,) that is the way to go. But I don't know that it's the healthiest way, because I do tend to lose myself, my identity, and the letdown is soul-crushing. Right now, I'm busy deluding myself into thinking that because he told me he loved me, he was in love with me, that eventually we will find our way back to each other. Now, if we are on the same page about love and being in love, that will happen. (I guess time will tell."

Hi, I'd like to say that I've been where you are and I found that what you are talking about is called 'co-dependency'. Now, that's not to be insulting or accusatory, but simply a suggestion to perhaps check it out. Melody Beattie has some great books about it. You may find yourself in there. Best wishes.

It has been said in many ways, many times over the years, by many experts on human relationships, that there is a critical element to a successful long lasting relationship/marriage: the woman must be admired, adored, attractive to the man, and MUST have the ability to influence the man. The man must yield to his woman's influence. She must be able to impact his decisions and the decisions within the relationship. Not every single thing, but many, and many important ones. She gets a significant say in the direction that the relationship goes. She might not necessarily start with this influence but by being a phenomenal partner in the early stages, and if necessary, leaving the relationship if there is no sign of a commitment coming and not much sign of her influence making an impact. And most importantly, staying gone from the relationship unless/until she gets what she wants in the relationship, and this must be more than companionship and passion. She must stay away if her influence is not significant, lasting, respected. She can't go back for the passion only, or she loses all respect. She only goes back after the man demonstrates he does not want to be without her, and he will give her what she wants in the relationship, because he wants her long-term and he does not want anybody else!

The balance of power in a relationship is so important in order for either person not to be used, played with, dumped when the passion is just not enough to sustain them. This balance of power is essential for the woman. If she has little power or true influence, and she is passionately involved, she is screwed. And considered not so smart. And considered co-dependent. Once you get your oxytocin chemicals deeply involved, you are sucked into a sexual bond that is agonizing to de-tox from. It makes you delusional and hopeful when there is no practical evidence to be hopeful. If this passion is a must, you may end up being a serial dater, looking for passion above anything else, with heart crushed over and over, turning down boring guys who might treat you like gold. If you can afford this way of life, ruled by passion, and can pay your bills and retire on your own terms, then I guess this is ok for you. If it corrodes your spirit over time, then it sends you to therapy to re-examine your trade-offs and choices. Then the question becomes, can you find good compatibility with someone you are mildly attracted to, who can become a best friend and partner, who considers you when making decisions in his life?

Sorry that was a long way to say that making passion a top priority is closely related to codependence and is usually a recipe for repeated disappointment and heartbreak.

Dr Toni Grant (from the 80's) used to say that when women act like men, and make physical attraction their number one priority, there goes society.

Hey, what can I say to that? You're right. I can be a really strong person, between love relationships. But once I'm in one, IT, HE, becomes my whole focus. So, I've read (own) codependent no more. (So, I really knew what I was admitting to before you called me out on it..) And I'm slowly seeing the light through the cracks in my dirty, rose colored glasses. What do I do now, to learn to love and still preserve my identity? Never quite been able to do that.

Soooo, in other words. You believe women should be in total control of the relationship and the man is supposed to go with that? Lol, you are delusional.
Feminism at its worst. THIS is why many men do NOT want to live with women. Period. Smh. Unreal

......what?!? Lol
Do you re-read what you write?
What "Balance of power" are you implying? There is absolutely ZERO balance of power accosting to your comment. Your whole comment is about "the only way to have a successful relationship is for the man to bow down to his woman, find her to be the most attractive woman, and for her to train him? Lmao. Really? Wow, and here I thought we were in such a Male Dominated Society. Women control men, have controlled men, for a VERY long time. Behind the scenes. Just like in Caryn's comment. She spells it out how most women think, either consciously or subconsciously. Balance of power...lol.
"the man must yield to his woman's influence"... lmao.
A real man.......wouldn't ALLOW his (female dog) to pull those stunts, and if she did, she's done. Period.
Your only truthful sentence in that WHOLE comment was the last one. Starting with "Dr.Toni Grant".
Ironically you contradicted your whole comment with that last sentence. Women want to be the Woman AND the Man these days. So you know what I say?
They can go F themselves now!
: D

I love the same as you, I go all in. After marrying and getting divorced because of him cheating, I was devastated. He was such a nice guy and it was totally unexpected. I was so hurt but knew I had to move on. I moved away to a different city to start a new life. I cried for 3 days as I drove from San Francisco to Atlanta. I met lots of guys, as I was still young and in my 20s. Something was wrong with ALL of them. 2 had wives that they never bothered to mention and yes, I did ask. One was on drugs. A couple of them couldn't seem to hold down a job. Met a nice guy at work but turned out he had anger and temp issues and drank too much. By the time I was 30, I thought, "maybe its me" so I became celibate and swore off men for about 5 yrs. Then tried it again, met a really nice guy, started falling in love, then he decided he didn't want to be in a committed relationship, he wanted to be able date others. So I swore off dating again. When I turned 50, I decided I wanted someone to retire with and spend time travelling with so I went on a dating site and decided to go out with one of the guys after talking to him for a few months. We really hit it off. He said he loved me and I told him I loved him too. I then allowed myself to fall completely in love with him. After only 9 months, he tells me that he doesn't think he wants to be in a relationship. That he loves me but isn't "in love". Come to find out, he's on sex sites, talking to other women and saying he has always wanted to sleep with all races of women and he has not done that yet. He is 56, I make triple the money he does, He has an 8 yr old child, I have no children. I helped him move into a nice apt complex, rather than the rathole he had been staying in. I live in a nice house, which I was planning to sell and we were gonna move together. Bottom line is I was a much better deal for him than he was for me. I cooked, cleaned, helped him with everything. Was supportive of his son and even got along well with his ex-wife. She had warned me that he was selfish and immature and I should have listened. So I wasted over an entire year on this relationship (3 months online, 9 months in and still in heartbreak stage). So I think I'm going back to staying solo. I know for sure that if I get into another relationship, I will NOT give my all and I will NOT allow myself to fall totally in love. The pain is not worth the little time of pleasure. I am back on the dating site, looking for "friends" but it seems that they all say they want a relationship. Not falling for that crap again!

Another way of reading your post is you princess were willing to "settle" for someone who was willing to marry a 28 year old woman and raise someone else's two children. "very close friend whom I didn't love but we had such a good connection (read: I could use him)" Oh, you had two other kids so that's ok then... Sorry, you're not some angel that was picked on. One wonders what that second husband would have to say about this.

Men start with the expectation that a woman will be attractive to them, then move on to the other stuff like whether she has a good personality, good values, and so on. But for some reason women are supposed to skip the attraction part and jump straight to the other stuff. This is a ridiculous double standard. Maybe it made some sense in the past when women had to trade their looks for men who could take care of them, but these days most women are employed and pull their own weight. Contemporary relationships are based on mutual feelings and attraction, not some "marriage of convenience."

Men always say they want women who enjoy sex. Well, if a woman is not attracted to you, she's not going to enjoy sex. You have to start with that much.

I don't need a man to support me financially or give me kids. I need a man to support me emotionally and give me unforgettable sex, which for me has to have a romantic love aspect or it is just empty. I have toys. I need connection. But settling for someone who clearly does not care about their health, appearance, etc, does not work for me. After 20 years with pasty flabby couch potato, I have come to the realization that muscular and virile (hold onto your hats for this epiphany:) TURNS ME ON! And I LIKE being turned on. I'm in shape. Why should I give it to Santa Claus when Batman is so damn fine? Sound superficial? It's not. Batman better be a sweetheart, too, like I am. Otherwise, like I said, I have toys. ;-)

Balls on, top dead center, accurate. I am 50 years old but look a lot younger. I am a self assured, self sufficient, relatively happy chick. I look at guys my age and a lot of times, just ask why? Why do they look like and act like they've been ridden hard and put away wet their entire lives. and still hit on us? Frankly, in my industry, I meet a lot of nice guys my age, but I wouldn't date most of them because they just don't even try to put their best selves out there. They'll hit on a gal relentlessly, but never get why they never get a yes from her. My thought is that they don't cause they just don't really care enough to try to present themselves positively. And that's not a datable man. That's a lazy man. Im certainly no Sopia Loren, but I have some pride in how I present myself. I expect no less from a man who may want to ask me out. Im ok with being alone. Settling is not something I can do. I may already have, at this point...

I know a few men who say they are "assholes," but just won't own up to how wonderful they really are. People's image of self can be very skewed. Sometimes we need a reality check.

Oh, and that guy? He came back to me. So I'm going to offer him pain. Because love is great, (we hope,that part is a gamble..) but it ALWAYS ends in pain. Even if we get 50 perfect years together, there WILL be pain on separation at death. But I think the worst pain in life, is to not allow yourself to love, because you are afraid of the pain. "Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something."

At the most superficial level having folks getting into and out of relationships makes for great spending opportunities...the business of business is business and forming or dissolving relationships- or divorce is a great base for marketing products and services...so bring it on- we will sell the illusions and sell you the trinkets to decorate them. Then make sure you buy your appropriate services and products on the way out of relationships. Really a lot of it has to do with the dogma of materialism/capitalism. I live outside the US and notice significant differences in social values and ideologies. Peace

And I'm what she describes as "single at heart." Not "afraid" of commitment, no existential fears goin' on here. My singlehood is, as Dr. DePaulo would put it, the most, fulfilling, authentic existence for me. Others are different, I realize. But it really is just that simple.

Why would a man go for love when he can feast at the trough of free milk from online dating? I truly believe that until men reach an age at which they start to face their mortality (60s), they are immature, self centered, and overly focused on getting sex. They simply do not have the skills, knowledge, or abilities to experience real love, nor do they desire it. The few men that DO want love, and can experience it, are the ones who marry at a young age. That rest of the men go on to have bad marriages and divorce, or remain single and waste the time of countless women that they meet online.

While it is obvious from your post that you think all the problems in relationships lie with men, I wanted to let you know that this runs counter to my experience. I have found that woman have just as much trouble being loving and accepting of love as men. I think you might find this article helpful and interesting: '"Why Am I Still SIngle?" 8 Reasons People Often Stay Single.' - http://www.psychalive.org/why-am-i-still-single/

Sorry, Lisa, but I'm a Marriage and Family Therapist, so I know a thing or two about relationships.

Before I spent last year on Match.com going on dates with 50 men (I clearly must not be too picky if I could find 50 men who seemed interesting enough to go out with), I used to buy into the belief system that you espouse. Now that I've had the repeated experience of being pressured to have sex on the third date with almost every many I went out with multiple times (even the "nice" ones), it is very clear that men have little impulse control and very little consideration for women.

I dated two men for two months without having sex; when I finally felt comfortable enough to sleep with them, they disappeared immediately.

Then there are all the "nice" guys I dated, who turned out to be passive-aggressive wolves in sheep's clothing. When I broke up with after a few dates (kindly, directly, and in a timely manner), they fired off the nastiest emails imaginable.

Let's not even talk about the ones who will only communicate by text message (too many of those to count).

And, yes, I AM picky: That is, I am picky about finding someone with good character. I will only be with someone who is considerate, kind, can communicate directly (not passive-aggressively or angrily, which is very rare), has integrity, and is honest. These basic traits of good character are exceedingly hard to find.

Women are suckers the self-blame that come from your article and all those "Why Am I Still Single" lists that only women read and that contribute to their "low self-esteem."

Have you read, "It's Not You: 27 (Wrong) Reasons You're Single," by Sara Eckel? Sara counters all the lies that women are told about why they are single. Every one of these lies has been hurled at me in my 47 years; finally, Sara explains why women are really single--because they haven't met the right person. I have sent a copy of this book to every single woman I know, and we all agree that it finally states what we should have been hearing all along--that there is nothing wrong with us and that it is incredibly hard to find the right person.

You sound like the typical bitter 45+ year old woman who's recently started back up dating. You expect perfection because of your early dating experience, where you could literally be the shittiest person and still find a guy willing to put up with you and meet these qualifications. Believe it or not someone who fits all of your extremely high expectations could probably find someone with much better qualifications than you. You seem disgusted that these men expected you to have sex with them at some point. If men weren't interested in sex with you at some point they would just go on dates with their guy friends, much cheaper and they wouldn't have to sit across from your bitterness for an hour. You exemplify the example in Lisa's article about pickiness. You are free to choose who to be with, but don't go lying to yourself that its all men's fault that you are single.

So this woman has "extremely high expectations" because she wants a man who is considerate, kind, honest, and communicative and has integrity? What is the world coming to if you seriously think wanting a person who has decent moral values is an unreasonable expectation? And, no, she didn't say she was disgusted that the men she dated wanted to have sex "at some point." She said she was disappointed and disturbed that they wanted to have sex by the third date, presumably before there could be serious feelings or commitment between them.

What you're trying to do here with these accusations of "bitterness" and "pickiness" and "lying to yourself" is shame this woman into doing something that is NOT in her best interest--becoming physically and emotionally intimate with someone who doesn't treat her well and whom she doesn't want to be with. Thankfully, she seems like a smart cookie, and I suspect she can see right through your shaming tactics.

Some people are just PRICKLY types. Some people have tough personalities, don't respond well to rejection, and instead of turning inward to look at themselves, or letting rejection roll off their backs in a forgiving, open manner, they lash out. Lashing out is easier for them. Being outwardly expressive of disappointment in the form of blaming, is an active response. For many, it is easier than self examination, which can cause depression and disillusionment. Forgive these people. Everyone has baggage and carries it in various ways. Some wounds are so deep, from so many cuts over so long of a time, these people may never quite heal or trust again. Tread lightly and gently. Recognize that something has triggered them. It might be your style or method of rejecting them.

Not everyone has a prickly personality, but of course some do. You don't need extra advise, except to tread gently when you sense anger. People are wounded from not getting what they want and need in another person. Not everyone can evolve above his wounds. It's a lot of work, not everyone is up for it.