ToFurkey Is ToFunky

Tofu is not natural. It is a processed food, a highly processed food as a matter of fact. ToFurkey is tofu that is processed over and over and over again. Then it’s processed some more.

Now if you’ll recall I have already exposed to the world that everyone who says they like tofu is lying through their teeth. No person in the history of mankind, from the wheel to the moon has ever actually liked tofu. There is no universe where tofu is appetizing. Those who eat it do so because of peer pressure, insanity or some combination of the two.

Psychologists estimate that 1 person in 10 is completely incapable of recognizing sarcasm. So for those of you in that 10% I’ll take this opportunity to point out that the previous paragraph was a stellar example of sarcastic hyperbolism. It is my favorite way to make a point because, well, it amuses me.

That, by the way, was an example of narcissism.

So back to tofu being a nasty, highly processed food. Most people do not like it’s texture because, well, it’s nasty. In all honesty it is hard to find any fault with its taste because it doesn’t have any. Tofu is like eating Styrofoam, only a less appetizing Styrofoam.

Amy’s, a veg-friendly processed food company probably makes some of the most wholesome mass-produced foods on the market and they process their soy beans nine different ways in order to produce a batch of tofu. You can watch their process HERE. I have a lot of respect for Amy’s but even they get a few things wrong.

In their video they state that they only use organic soy beans which means they are not genetically modified. Genetic modification does not disqualify something from being organic. It should, but it doesn’t. I guess that’s the result of having a President that’s in the pocket of agri-business lobbyists. Or more accurately, four Presidents in a row.

So if Amy’s, a company committed to natural, wholesome food, processes soy beans nine times to make tofu can you imagine how many times less scrupulous companies do it?

Now that you know that tofu is a highly processed food dig this. Recently the History Channel did a segment about how ToFurkey is made. It starts with tofu (which is processed at least nine times) and processes it even more adding tons (literally) of additives and chemicals. You college kids may want to try the Processed Foods Drinking Game – just grab a bottle of Jack and take a swig for each new process. But be forewarned, you may not be around for the end of this video. Check it out and then read on:

After watching that, the pink goo McDonald’s uses to make their McNuggets doesn’t seem quite as gross. An interesting note is that the narrator actually referred to ToFurkey as healthy.

There is an important distinction to make here and it is probably the closest you’ll come to an actual point in this ramble of a post. Thanks to Weight Watcher’s, Jenny Craig, et al along with Hollywood and print media we have confused low-fat/low-calorie with healthy. Low-fat/low-calorie is not pseudonymous with healthy.

Cyanide is low-fat/low-calorie.

Sarin Gas is low-fat/low-calorie.

Weapons-grade Plutonium is low-fat/low-calorie.

E-coli is low-fat/low-calorie.

Herpes is low-fat/low-calorie.

Get it? Low-fat/low-calorie is not the same as healthy. Coconut oil is very high in fat and very high in calories but it is healthier than extra virgin olive oil, canola oil, butter and it is damned sure better for you than margarine. Both the medium chain fatty acids and the calories in coconut oil will ramp up your metabolism helping your body to burn fat cells better than just about anything out there. Coconut oil is a classic example of high-fat/high-calorie being healthy. ToFurkey conversely is a classic example of low-fat/low-calorie being unhealthy. Plus, it just doesn’t taste very good.

So before you start spouting off about how healthy or ethical tofu is I invite you to go ToFurk yourself. We ain’t inner-stead, thank ya.

Stuart is a celebrity chef, food activist and award-winning food writer. He penned the cookbooks Third Coast Cuisine: Recipes of the Gulf of Mexico, No Sides Needed: 34 Recipes To Simplify Life and Amigeauxs - Mexican/Creole Fusion Cuisine. He hosts two Internet cooking shows "Everyday Gourmet" and "Little Grill Big Flavor." His recipes have been featured in Current, Lagniappe, Southern Tailgater, The Kitchen Hotline and on the Cooking Channel.