This time of year

It used to be my favorite. It still is really but since my mom died a few years ago in November, it puts a bit of gloom over crunchy leaves, pumpkins and the holidays.
Every year around this time, I feel myself check out from life. I am aware of it. This morning over coffee my husband comes out of nowhere with "I'm not letting you do it this year". I looked at him sideways because I wasn't sure what he meant and he says "your mom".
I burst into tears. He didn't know it but I've dreamt of her the last two nights. Last night's dream was so vivid that I woke up a bit rattled.
I'm resolved that I will never stop missing her. I've accepted the void she left and have gone on living but man I miss her.
When I was a kid I would be in bed at night and think I dunno how I'll survive when my parents and grandparents are gone. I literally didn't know. Now I know that I did in fact survive losing them all but I will never be the same. I will live and laugh and love but those voids left behind by our loved ones will never be filled.
My mother in law told me today that when we dream about people that have passed away, it's their way of reminding us that we're loved and not forgotten.
Mom, I love you too and there's no possible way I'd ever be able to forget you.

Comments

I haven't dreamed of my mother in a long time, so that worries me. Is there something wrong with that? I'd like to think not. I dream of my father on occasion, not sure why him more. I loved them, their lives were taken way too early. I have no siblings, it's just me now.

Of course you will never forget her! The pain will ease some, and in replacement of the pain, will be her arms wrapped around you. Guiding you, cheering you on and that ruffle in your hair, her kiss! She will always be there with you! It is even ok, to talk to her! She hears and knows all!! Hugs my friend! Feel her!

I lost my Dad when I was 17. The pain is as fresh today as it was then. I just don't think about him as often as I once did. We're all different in the way we experience and react to life's challenges. In my family, we choose that anniversary to celebrate the joy and pleasure those who were dear and aren't with us now brought. One sentiment doesn't fit all. I wish you peace. I wish you the ability to reach for those memories whenever you need them.