April 12, 2006

...it's a fuel tank for a sex machine. This t-shirt, available from Deez Teez, isn't exactly our style - but it's damn funny and might pair well with that "Mustache Rides 25 Cents" mesh cap you picked up at Urban Outfitters during a weak moment. Plus, we we can't help but think it's the perfect vehicle to hide your Beerbelly stealth beverage dispenser in plain sight.

From the Deez Teez site:

This Ain't A Beer Belly It's A Fuel Tank For A Sex Machine
That's right! And the tank is full baby!

An old school favorite saying brought to you by DeezTeez.

This quality t-shirt is yellow/gold with brown print. A great looking tee. Enjoy!

This shirt usually runs for $15.99, but you can get it for less than twelve bucks during their Tax Break Special. Pick one up and browse through the other funny t-shirts (we're partial to the Team Ramrod shirt from Supertroopers) at Deez Teez.

March 10, 2006

We've got a lot of experience with bottle cap openers, but we've never seen a bottle opener cap before. As part of our never-ending quest to be able to open a beer bottle with every single piece of clothing, we present to you the OpenerHat.

The OpenerHat™ features a bottle opener built into the brim of the hat. One size fits all thanks to the velcro closure. This is a very tricked out hat and sure to excite any recipient!

All of the hats typically retail for $25, but it seems you can pick up an OpenerHat of your very own for $15.95 right now, which is worth every penny for our typical days out in the sun (we've told you about our problems with UV resistance).

Check them out at CoolerGadgets.com - now we just have to figure out how to use the opener without taking off the hat and bursting into flames.

January 27, 2006

A couple months ago we announced the release of some items of Liquor Snob clothing without much fanfare. We got some feedback from people who said the original shirts looked a little too busy. Fine, you want simple? You get simple. We've come up with two t-shirt designs that are utter simplicity - no logos, no gimmicks, no fancy fonts. It's all about the truth in advertising with these babies.

So what are your options? Well, there's the Intern tee ($14.99), so you can proclaim your devotion to the Liquor Snob cause without having to be bossed around the office by yours truly. There's the Snob tee ($15.99), a nice gray t-shirt that will tell the world know just where you stand on the issue of liquor consumption. And then there's our personal favorite, the Liquor Snob hoodie ($27.99), which comes right out and says it like it is, you drunk.

Oh, and we also made a Liquor Snob onesie ($9.99), which is a must for every tyke since they act like little drunks anyway, all weepy and stumbly and prone to vomiting. Check out all these products and look out for other updates in the future, at the Liquor Snob store at Cafe Press.

January 18, 2006

The Beerbelly
Refillable bladder/sling system for stealthy beer consumption
Typical Price: $49.95 for the full rig plus a "Pleasure Extender" ice pack and cleaning kit. (Buy Now)
Original Coverage: The Beerbelly: Sexy AND Functional

We've been looking even more bloated than usual lately, with a beer belly that would put Homer Simpson to shame. We don't mind, though, because our expanded waistline is due to The Beerbelly. What is the Beerbelly, you might ask? Think Camelbak with beer in it, designed to be worn up front and simulate those extra pounds you usually pack on after the beer's already inside you. Actually, we've been wearing ours to the gym, and you should hear the compliments we receive about the weight we lose every time we go!

The harness is surprisingly comfortable, even when you've got the bladder completely full (it holds 80 oz, or 6+ beers) and it looks very realistic when you put it on, at least from a distance. We're not sure if it would survive a pat down from a suspicious security guard, but luckily the Beerbelly Tips & Tricks page offers some ideas for how to sweet-talk your way out of an uncomfortable situation with someone in a position of authority:

This is a medical device that I think we’d both prefer not discussing or viewing in public.

My wife is pregnant and, as part of our maternity class, I have to develop empathy by wearing this thing around in order to look fat and give myself backaches.

Department of Homeland Security. We’re testing a new stealth form of body armor to protect our undercover agents overseas in the Global War on Terror. Don’t make me shut this place down.

It’s full of urine, so step back or you’re gonna be sorry.

Want a beer?

Or, of course, you could go for the sympathy vote and swing your sling around to make it a "Beer Hunchback."

We think the Beerbelly is a cool product, especially if you're someone who balks at the idea of paying nine bucks a beer at a game, twelve bucks a cup of soda at the movies, whatever. The only trade off is the chance that you might be caught muling PBR into the Chronicles of Narnia...oh and you have to be OK with looking like Al Roker in the bad old days. But is it worth paying $49.95 for the kit?

Well, let's think about it scientifically. Let's say you're going to a football game, where beers tend to run somewhere in the neighborhood of $4-$7. If you're paying the average beer price ($5.50) for 80 oz of beer (5 of the 16 oz beers), the amount held in the Beerbelly, you'll pay $27.50 altogether. Plan to do that at more than one game, and suddenly things are getting expensive. If you buy the Beerbelly, you'll pay $49 for the rig, and let's say six bucks for the beer (we're feeling high-end today). That puts your total at about $55. So on a purely fiscal basis, if you plan to use it twice or more, it'll pay for itself.

And even better, going beyond the purely monetary aspect, the thing is just cool. It's comfortable, you always have a beer on you, and yeah you look a bit rotund but you feel like you're putting something over on the people around you. If you're smart about when you fill up your cup, you won't get caught, and since you'll be the only one with beer around at all times, you'll be the most popular guy around, even though you're sporting the Celebrity Fit Club physique.

January 12, 2006

We're not big fans of jewelry unless you can use it as a bottle opener, but we've found the best way to accessorize for your love of beer this side of piercing your liver. An artist in Vermont (our home state...Green Mountains 4Eva) is making jewelry using real beer cans, and they look surprisingly cool...not like the crap we usually see that passes for "jewelry" on a lot of drinking sites. We were so excited about these we showed them to one of the interns, and her response was "Why the hell would you want a Pabst Blue Ribbon ring?" and our response was "Why the hell wouldn't you?" Of course, we fired her on the spot.

Here's what Dana Roth has to say about her beer can creations:

All of our Beer Can Jewelry is made of sterling silver & aluminum beer or soda cans that I (or a close friend) have personally drank from. The aluminum is secured to the jewelry with sterling rivets & protected from damage by ledges (on the rings) or caps (at the end of the bracelets).

Available jewelry includes rings, thin bracelets and large cuff bracelets, including labels from Bud, Rolling Rock, Miller High Life, PBR, Guinness and Boddingtons, among others. Oh, and you can get soda can ones too, but come on.

Rings are available for $30, thin bracelets for $60, and it's $80 for the cuff bracelets, but it's worth every penny for the beer enthusiast in your life. Go to D-LiciousMetal.com to find a list of retail locations, and if you can't find any nearby you can order online from Elsewares. If you're thinking about getting some of these for that special someone for Valentine's Day you should order soon, because they can take a couple weeks to be created and shipped.

December 27, 2005

We're not exactly fashion mavens over here at Liquor Snob, but we've always been fans of combining liquor with clothing...case in point are our bottle opener flip flops and belt buckles, and the whiskey stains on most of our shirts. Now you can wear your liver-abusive tendencies on your sleeve, or on your belt anyway, with the Flask Buckle from Urban Outfitters.

Unbuckle BEFORE You Drink? The order sounds just as backwards to us as it does to you, but that’s the theory behind this flask belt buckle from Urban Outfitters. Be careful, though: in some states, a flask counts as an open container violation inside a vehicle.

December 2, 2005

If you ask us, and people often do, the beer belly gets a bad rap. What could be better than a spherical expression of your love for beer, peeking out from under your shirt? We think this was summed up best a by a t-shirt we once saw that said "When you have a tool like mine, you have to build a shed over it." And since the beer belly is a gift from nature, we all knew it wouldn't take long for man to synthesize it. Enter The Beerbelly.

Normally we wouldn't be that excited about buying a beer belly, especially since we've buying our own on the six-pack-by-six-pack installment plan for years. The Beerbelly isn't just a fashionable accessory, however...it is purely functional too, as a way to smuggle your favorite drink wherever you go without being noticed. Here's what the Beerbelly site has to say:

Now you can take up to 80oz. of your favorite beverage wherever you go... Even where "they" don't want you to!

The Beerbelly is made up of a neoprene “sling” and a polyurethane “bladder” with a tube for dispensing. The bladder is held in an insulated pouch in the sling which is worn under your clothing for concealment. When worn, it looks just like a beerbelly.

So you're telling us we can develop the divine curvature of a Marlon Brando AND smuggle beer into movie theaters, sporting events, concerts and churches? We can't think of anything better than that. You can get the full Beerbelly package, including the product itself, cleaning tools and a spare ice pack, for $49.95, or you can get the Beerbelly alone for $34.95. Looks great on women too, as long as you don't mind people asking when the baby is due.

November 30, 2005

You asked, and we listened. Just in time for the holidays, we bring you the Liquor Snob Intern t-shirt. The best of all worlds...you can wear the flashy t-shirt and be the envy of your friends, without having to take all the abuse we heap on our real staff. The shirt, available at Cafe Press, is made of white cotton and comes in all sizes from Kids' Small to 4X-Large for only $14.99.

We picked the shirt we did because it's affordable for when you buy them as gifts for everyone you know, but this isn't some cheap shirt that's going to fall apart the first time you wash it. According to the Cafe Press site, this is the most comfortable t-shirt ever - "Our 100% cotton, Hanes Authentic Tagless T-Shirt is preshrunk, durable and guaranteed." That's right, it's tagless so you won't have that itchy little bugger tickling your neck when you tip your head back to take a drink. How's that for foresight?

We've set up a whole Liquor Snob store over at Cafe Press, so you can trust the quality of the goods and the guarantee of good service. Currently, the only products in there are the Intern shirt and a very cool Liquor Snob hoodie are in there (the hoodie runs for $27.99 and is great for keeping warm when you "fall asleep" on the way home from the bars...and we should know). We'll add more products as time passes and inspiration strikes, but we wanted to at least get the store started before the holidays.

All we can say is if you buy Liquor Snob gear for yourself and all your friends this year, you're guaranteed to be the best-dressed drunks in your town.*

Update - December 8 is the deadline for the cheapest shipping option...make sure to order before then if you want to save on shipping.

* - If you want confirmation, just send us a picture of you and your friends in your shirts...if yours is chosen we'll post it and tell the whole Internet how handsome you are.

November 22, 2005

Be the sharpest-dressed kid on your block with new t-shirts from the Scotch Blog. Not only are these shirts 100% cotton and functionally fashionable, they also say "Malt Whisky" across the chest in a font reminiscent of the one used by a certain Magical Kingdom reigned over by a six-foot-tall mouse who will remain nameless. The shirts come in sizes L and XL, and retail for $12.95. There's a limited supply, so put in your order now.

Also, the fine folks at The Scotch Blog are also giving you a chance to win a Malt Whisky shirt for free, and don't worry...if you buy one and then win, you'll get your money back (or another shirt). All you have to do is tell them why you deserve a free shirt...sounds simple enough to us.

The winner, selected by a panel of judges of my selection will soon be stylin' in one of these high quality 100% cotton class acts.

I'm partial to humor, but originality goes a long way with me, as I'm sure it will with the judges.

Don't let the contest stop you from ordering:
1. If you order your shirt now and end up winning, I'll either paypal you your money back, or you get a second shirt free - your choice.
2. What a great christmas gift! Nobody wants one of those disgusting petrified fruit cake things.
3. Really, do you think you are creative enough to win? Why chance it?

October 18, 2005

Love beer? Wear your heart on your sleeve, or at least a keg on your chest, with The Keg Polo from Snorg Tees.

Ready to proclaim your love for everyone's favorite carbonated malt beverage? Let people know about your love for beer by wearing it on your chest. At the very least, you'll never hear anyone ask you "What's your poison?" ever again.

From the Snorg Tees site:

Description:
What you wear reflects on who you are. The Keg Polo will show that you've got class...and like to drink.