By 50 at the latest…really

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Tag Archive | perimenopause

My current period started only 3 weeks after the last one. I’m not impressed. I liked it better when they were coming every 3 months or so. Every 3 weeks, especially given how heavy they are, is not making me a happy camper.

Still alternating between insomnia and sleeping too much, though I don’t get to sleep much when I’m bleeding a lot. Went to sleep at about 7pm last night and didn’t get up for good until about 6am. Sounds good except that I was up every hour or so to change.

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Still suffering from insomnia and sleepyness, alternatively. Tonight I think it’s insomnia. My brain is firing on all cylinders tonight. The street lights are bothering me at night lately, I don’t know why. I never used to have a problem with the room not being pitch black, and I can sleep easily in daylight. But a not-quite-dark room robs me of sleep. I’ve taken to sleeping in my hoodie, with the hood pulled down over my eyes, which is a ridiculous way to sleep.

The crying jags returned last week. Thought they were going to drive me nuts but they only lasted a day or two. All part of the joy that is my new PMS.

Still haven’t had chips or pop but my chocolate consumption has grown out of all proportions. It’s insane. I’m going to give myself diabetes at this rate, if I haven’t already.

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(OK, so Friday Night is again on auto-repeat but I swear that that isn’t the only thing I’ve been listening to since the last time, auto-repeat or no auto-repeat. Must be something about “Think I’m gonna lose it” that makes me want to puke…I mean, post…my thoughts and feelings here.)

Speaking of puking your feelings, I came across a really great herbalist site awhile ago that had some interesting pages about dealing with the inconveniences of perimenopause, including some advice about experiencing erupting mood swings and emotions “without puking them on our family and friends”. Very sage advice, that.

Anyway, I have prep work that has to be done before I really start to reclaim myself physically, one being that I have to declutter my house in order to have some room to actually work out. Appearance of my home to the contrary, I’m not a 19-year-old frat boy and it’s probably time I stopped living like one. Then I have to actually get real food — which I suppose means I’ll have to actually buy kitchen gear with which to cook. I don’t even own real plates or glasses, let alone a pot or pan. There’s a reason why God invented paper towels and the microwave. But it’s my closet shame…and it’s why I never invite company over.

I have a ton of videos and other workout gear, which will have to do for now. There’s a gym in my building but I’m not a gym person at the best of times. If I can actually get back into some things–walking, yoga, weight training–on my own for the next several months, maybe I’ll reward myself with a personal trainer in the spring or summer. There’s even a gym right near work that might be a good choice. But, given my history with gyms, it would be a waste of money right now (and I’d be a really ornery client if I’m not really motivated). I’m giving myself until April-ish to convince myself that this isn’t just a flash-in-the-pan thing. Ten years ago, I lost 25 pounds over the course of about 6 months or so just by walking alot and eating better — not cutting out all of the junk, not by going to the gym but just by eating less/better and moving a little more. If I can at least prove to myself that I can sustain that again, then I might believe that I’ve turned a corner in my life. Then I can amp it up a little more. For the first time in a long time, I’m not feeling apathy about my physical appearance. Anxiety, concern, tentative hopefulness…yes. But not apathy. I used to take a lot of pride in how I was turned out — hair just so, makeup, dresses, high heels (ooo, I miss those heels). Then I began settling for baggy, nondescript “fat clothes”, sneakers, and low maintenance, short hair. Comfortable but blah. I don’t think I actually own any business clothes or shoes, let alone dressy clothes or shoes anymore. I’ve gotten sloppy, about everything in my life. I have the week off between Christmas and New Years and I plan (among other things) to get my home in order so that I have no excuses for working out or making proper meals. We’ll see how it goes after that.

Walking is boring to me — I need a soundtrack to walk and exercise to or I need company to talk to. Ten years ago, it was mostly Abba on a portable cassette tape player that kept me company on my hour-long walk home from work at night. Later, it was a CD player with a mix of peppy songs. This time, I’ve decided to splurge on an MP3 player so that I can carry more songs and not experience the skipping that you get with a CD player. It’s my last Christmas pressie for myself. The music will hopefully take my mind off the back spasms that I get when I walk too much so that I can walk more. I may also take up tai chi again. I can’t stand long enough to do that properly right now (darned abused back) but hopefully by April I will be stronger. I have a yoga tape specifically for strengthening the back and I hope that will help me to banish the spasms.