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December 2008 - Caregiving during the holidays

Caring for a Loved One With Cancer

The daily challenges of caring for a loved one with cancer can be overwhelming. Often, caregivers feel alone and unprepared for this new role. Also, caregiving duties may include several different roles at once, such as nurse, counselor, motivator, and medical advocate. The holidays can make caregiving even more difficult as you struggle to balance your different responsibilities.

Caregiving During the Holidays

The holiday season is typically a time of traditions, celebrations and renewed connections with relatives and friends. It can also be a demanding time of family obligations and stress. If you have a loved one with cancer, the holidays become even more complicated.

In anticipation of the holidays, the following questions may arise:

How will I take care of holiday preparations and my loved one at the same time?

Will my loved one have enough energy to participate in holiday activities?

How will others handle seeing my loved one?

How will my loved one handle seeing others?

How can I keep my loved one upbeat?

Taking Care of Yourself

Before you can help your loved one cope with the holidays, you need to be to cope as well. This begins with taking care of yourself. You won’t be able to care for your loved one properly if you are feeling depleted. Make sure you get plenty of sleep, eat healthy, exercise regularly, manage stress, and accept help from others.

In addition, you don’t have to feel guilty about thinking of yourself. Your physical and emotional well being is surely a concern of your loved one, who may feel like they are a burden on you at this time. Showing your loved one that you are managing okay and taking care of yourself will help them feel better too.

Keeping the Peace

Cancer can change the way family members relate to each other. The holidays, on top of everything else, can cause added strain. You may worry about having to face relatives and friends during this time. You may feel protective of your loved one and defensive about the care you have been providing.

For your loved one’s sake, it’s important to keep the peace in the family. Now is the time to put family conflicts aside. Don’t try to solve any underlying issues while your loved one is struggling to get better. Instead, try to put feelings aside for now and focus on what is most important.

Unexpected Rewards

When caring for a loved one with cancer, there is no right or wrong way to handle the holidays. Each caregiver faces a unique situation and experiences it differently. You need to discover what works best for your family. To help the holidays go a little more smoothly, you can learn ways to support your loved one. In the process, you and your loved one may experience unexpected rewards of the season, such as forgiveness, courage, family solidarity, and hope.

Tips for Supporting a Loved One With Cancer During the Holidays

Adjust your expectations. The often unrealistic expectations of the holiday season can cause a great deal of stress for anyone, especially for families touched by cancer. Try not to focus on what may be missing or what is different about this year's holiday season. Instead, focus on what the holidays are truly about—a time of sharing with others, being thankful, renewing friendships, and appreciating life.

Take a holiday from cancer. Your loved one may prefer to celebrate the holidays as normally as possible without dwelling on cancer. Try not to bring up the subject of cancer unless your loved one wants to talk about it. Chances are, your loved one doesn’t want to be treated differently or for family members to pity them. Show your loved one you want to spend time with them because you enjoy their company.

Just ask. If you aren't sure how your loved one wants to celebrate the holidays this year, just ask. Don't assume they can’t handle an open, honest discussion. While your loved one may want to be treated as normally as possible, they may still want to keep things simple this holiday. Communicating with your loved one can help everyone feel better.

Include your loved one. Your loved one likely wants to feel as independent and in control as possible. Allow your loved one to decide what they can and will do this holiday. Avoid secret phone calls and whispering behind their back. Instead, work together with your loved one to make decisions about holiday preparations and activities.

Be a good listener. Don't try to tell your loved one what to think, feel, or how to act. Sometimes just being there to listen, without judgment, is the best thing you can do. They might not want to talk at all, and would rather sit quietly instead. Remember, you don't always have to find solutions or fix everything. Just follow your loved one's cues and acknowledge their feelings.

Accept your loved one's bad days. Amidst the joyful and festive tone of the holiday season, your loved one may feel different inside. That is okay. Your loved one can’t be expected to be upbeat and positive at all times. And, putting these demands on them will only cause more frustration, guilt and stress. Give your loved one space if they need it and try not to take things too personally.

Communicate sensitively. Since it is impossible to know what your loved one is going through right now, it is important not to act like you do. Avoid saying things like: “I know how you feel,” “Stay positive,” or “Don’t worry, you’ll be fine.” Instead, you can say things that help like: “You are not alone in this, I’m here for you,” or “I love you and we will get through this together.”

Be aware of side effects. Your loved one may be dealing with side effects from cancer treatment, such as weight loss, hair loss, nausea, and fatigue. They may be worried about how others will react to seeing them. Aside from feeling self-conscious, they may worry about having the strength and energy to get through holidays. Ask your loved one if they want you to notify relatives about it ahead of time.

Remind your loved one that you care.Your loved one may need extra reassurance that they are still needed and loved. Find gifts that reflect who they are apart from cancer (e.g., books, art, music, or tickets to the museum, theater, sporting events, etc). Also, human touch goes a long way. Give them a hug or pat on the back. Show your loved one that you still see them as a person, not as a cancer patient.

Discover new traditions. Try not to put too much pressure on your family to maintain every holiday tradition. Things that seemed important before may give way to new priorities. Plan with your loved one which traditions to include and which to let go of this year. When you focus on what the holidays truly mean to you both, you may rediscover happiness in old and new ways.

NOTE: THIS INFORMATION IS NOT INTENDED NOR IMPLIED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR PROFESSIONAL MEDICAL ADVICE. ALWAYS SEEK THE ADVICE OF YOUR PHYSICIAN OR OTHER QUALIFIED HEALTHCARE PROVIDER REGARDING YOUR LOVED ONE’S CANCER CARE.