The List: 17 Jul 2003 (Issue 472)

Cool — sports that you don't even have to raise a heartbeat for. To be honest - and this, my friends, is a true story - my younger brother and I were given croquet and petanque sets by our eccentric parents when we were nine and 11 respectively. Every year after (until we were at an age to really know better), whenever the sun shone, we would take our tranquil sports sets out of the attic, don our grandfather's hand-me-down Pringles and Farahs and ponce around on the lawn. Needless to say, we were both bullied at school and left with very few qualifications. The reality of the cruel and vicious virility of this thuggish world soon hit us.

Sometimes however, just sometimes, I dream of taking up the mallet and ball again. These Pimms-soaked dreams sour quickly when I look at my appalling collection of badly-washed, badly-ironed whites. The next best thing to playing these wonderful games is to go and watch them, so please go, but don't be afraid, there will be many there like you.

The Scottish Croquet Open is the premier advanced tournament in Scotland and is played to a knockout format (with best of three matches in later rounds). You might need to pretend to understand phrases like: ‘Rod Williams just played a fourth turn quadruple peel on hoop 2,’ but you are better off just relaxing, getting mashed on a summer cocktail and letting the sun trickle down your neck. (Paul Dale)

Events are listed by date, then city. Submit listings at least ten days before publication. Sports listings are subject to change, so please check in advance. Listings are compiled by Maureen Ellis.

A football match in the Fringe programme? Has anyone ever seen the like? Indeed, non-league team Edinburgh City will mark its 75th anniversary with a game against the might of Manchester United - and the Fringe office is selling the tickets. Don’t expect Keane, Giggs and van Nistelrooy to be mixing with the festival revellers, though. Instead, ex- Celtic and Man U player Brian McClair will bring his FA Youth Cup winning U19 side to face Edinburgh. The team has already produced three first team starters so you could well spot a Beckham-in-the-making.