Thursday, June 29, 2006

So I go to the first meal here at the conference. I am carrying my tray to where some of my group is already sitting. The lady at the table next to us has already found out we are from Nashville and says "I'm supposed to be looking for someone from Nashville who is blogging with my neice in Texas," just as I walked up. I about started jumping up and down. "That's me!" I shouted. "You're Sarah's aunt!

Sure enough. Sarah of "It's All About Me" had sent her aunt looking and we hooked up the first thing! How cool is that? We have been visiting and I am looking forward to spending a little more time with B and R. They are great folks! Thanks for sending them hunting, Sarah!

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

It doesn't feel special and it may not be special. But I am leaving my husband and my 5 sleeping children to go on a trip. I am going to and Exodus conference-hopefully to learn. I am doing it for 3 young men in particular who, by holding a special place in my oldest daughters heart, have become special to me. These 3 young men, in varying degrees, are questioning their manhood. It is with the hope that I can bring something back for those 3 young men that I go. They are not ready to go for themselves yet, so I go for them. It's also for two men who aren't so young anymore. Two men who because of their gentle caring ways and love for each other, were able to reach out to me and be MEN in my life, while not being men in my life. They helped me get back on my feet when I had to leave my first husband with a 15 month old child because he couldn't be a real man and stop hitting and verbally abusing me. Out of my love for these two men, I tried to witness to them the only way I knew how-judgementally-and in doing so, pushed them so far away that I have no idea what became of them. It is for them, and for all of the men and women who feel isolated and shut out by a church that can't seem to see them as human. Are they sinners? Yes, but so am I. So are we all.

I don't have any more time, but I would like to ask that anyone who reads this pray for the 3 young men J, G, and R. And while I don't even know if the other two are still alive, keep James and Paul in your prayers too-that someone who DOES know how to reach out to them, will.

Monday, June 26, 2006

Our latest visitor-the cat food bandit-caught braving the thunderstorm tonight on his nightly raid. He comes right up to the back door and we didn't seem to bother him much when we opened the door to get pictures of him.

Sunday, June 25, 2006

This is what the granite stone that is to be placed in front of our church reads. It bears the name of the two churches that came together today and speaks of two bodies coming together in one faith, to reach others for Christ. It was a touching gift to our body from the pastor of the body that is merging with us. It is his way of acknowledging the small group of believers that agreed to step out in faith to pursue a vision he feels the Lord has given him.

Sunday, June 18, 2006

I often see myself as the youth that I no longer am. My body just won't agree with the ideas and fantasies my mind conjures. Every now and then the collision between what I envision and desire, and what I can feasibly do is like the bloodiest of trainwrecks inside of me. They leave me wanting to run away from all the age induced limits I have let creep up on me. I want to scream for it all to stop. It isn't that I can't accept those limits, it's just that they set themselves upon me while I wasn't watching. I blinked and all those things I wanted to do, I can't do anymore. It's a Niagra Falls of time rushing away underneath me. If I look down, I can see it flying past, but I have other things to do, so I don't notice it till I need that bucket of youth that was floating in the rushing waters and then it is so far gone I can never reach it again.

I'm feeling it now. I don't know what triggered it, some country song no doubt. When listening to country music, I quite often remember some wild dream I once had to live on a Texas Ranch when I was old enough to move away from home. I wanted to ride horses, drive an old beat up pickup down dusty roads and sit on a rough hewn fence watching the sun set after working with the horses and cattle all day. Now, when I think about such things, while in reality I could do some of those things someday, the romantic notions of finding myself a cowboy are gone and the fun, hot, summer nights notion are long gone. I don't really miss those ideas, but the fact that there is no going back, bothers me. I know I had my whole life before me at some point. But I can't remember when that was.

I want to move. Both physically and emotionally. I want to go for a long walk, but it's too late at night. I want to pack up and move to places I've never lived. Adventure, change, a move out of my complacency. Anything...something. I have an excuse for it all. Why can't we live more simply? Why do we let THINGS tie us down so that we can't fulfill our dreams?

It's after 10 pm. It's been pouring rain. I wish more than anything that I was in California right now where it is 2 hours earlier. Where was I at 8 pm here? What was I doing? Why did I let that time go by? I love sunsets, but so often I MISS them. I get busy and miss them. I hate that. It's time wasted and it will be another day before I have the chance to see it again. Another day to get so wrapped up in the living that I forget to LIVE.

Life is too beautiful to waste. Something about being outdoors makes me feel alive, but so much of our living is done indoors these days. I feel cooped up. The family is hot and wants the A/C on. I want to turn on a fan or two and throw open the windows and doors! I want to hear birds and feel the breeze, the sunshine-yes, even the hot sunshine. Breathing in the outdoors is like breathing LIFE. It is the breath of God. The very air He created. And it is full of all the sounds of life.

I doubt I could ever afford it, but the only place I have ever heard of having an open house year round is in Hawaii. I had a friend that lived there and she had large glass wall/doors that she could slide open. No screens. Just fresh ocean breezes blowing through her house. The smell of plumeria heavy in the air in the evenings. They had an occasional gecko come visiting, but they weren't so unwelcome.

I had the chance to go to Hawaii once. When I was young and stupid. Why is youth wasted on the young? I went-for 2 weeks. I was high the entire time. I barely remember it. Why did I do that? Wasted time. Wasted! I would kick myself if I were still limber enough. Of all the things in the world I could have done! I wasted the opportunity of a lifetime! Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! If only I could redo those stupid years. Why didn't someone tell me I would wake up one day and it would all be gone? Why? Because I wouldn't have listened.

Teens make their own choices and we are at some point powerless to do anything about it. Tell your kids, tell them. Not to "not do such and such" but to know and remember, that life slips by unnoticed, and EVERY choice they make, they will have to live with later on. They will choose. No matter what you do, they will make both good and bad choices. You have to let them too. You have to just let go and let them choose. The best thing you can do is to show them how good LIFE is. Drugs, sex, alcohol, pleasures of the present, are not LIVING. They erase life, they snuff life out, and they leave you with regrets-things you CAN NOT change or undo. You have to show them the alternative. Hike with them. Camp with them. Go see the Grand Canyon, Yosemite, New York City, the beach all the places that represent life and or the Creator of life. Places that inspire awe. See Civil War battlefields, military graveyards, the Alamo, places where people lived, then died, or places that represent people who gave their lives. Have fun with your kids. Fill your home with laughter. Find positive things in your kids and tell them those things often. Don't dwell on a bunch of rules or housework. It will be there when they are gone. Show them how to LIVE! Stand at the edge of a lake and watch the sun rise or set together. Get a telescope and go find a hill in the country to star gaze. Inspire them to find the Creator. Show them how to find Him. Help them to find oneness with the One who created them.

Thursday, June 15, 2006

When I was growing up, we went to a "holy roller" church. I grew suspicious of the goings on as I got into my teenage years and was relieved when the church "moved". I never thought much about it afterward, but looking back now, I learned some valuable lessons there. I learned that freedom in worship can be an awesome thing. I learned it can be taken advantage of too. I learned how to study scripture-to tear it apart and really get to the meat of it. In fact much of that meat is still with me today.

One very important thing that took place during that time is that I memorized scripture. I can't tell you how heavily I rely on that now. Often I don't remember the whole verse or exactly what it is, and I rarely remember where it is found, but it is enough to help me find it. I didn't learn this through Bible drills or Sunday School classes. I learned them through song. We sang scripture. I had no idea how valuable those little choruses would be to me later on. I didn't even know I was learning scripture.

I never think about these things and I don't remember all of them. The amazing thing is that when I do recall one, I remember it almost perfectly.

This morning, as I was waking up, you know those moments when you are first waking up and your thoughts are barely cognizant, much less meaningful, and a scripture song that I hadn't thought about in probably 27 years came to my mind. It was vibrant, complete, and melodious and the more awake I became, the more voices seemed to be added to the chior that was singing it. Before I was even completely aware of the time, I was joining in. As it dawned on me that I was singing a song I should have long forgotten, it also dawned on me that the Lord had put that song in my heart and awoken me to what must have been an angel chior singing it.

One look out my window told me that this is truly a day the Lord hath made. And He wanted me to rejoice and be glad in it.

Bare with me and the phonectic spelling (no disrespect is intended whatsoever) as I break into song again...

Thou hast turned my mourning into dancing for meThou has put of my sack claaawthThou hast turned my mourning into dancing for meAnd girded me with glaaaadnessTo the end that my glory may sing praise unto TheeAnd not be siiiilentOoooh Lord, my Gaaaahhhhd, I will give thanks unto Thee for eeeeeehver.

Saturday, June 10, 2006

I was reading the following and it is like a lightbulb came on. It was one of those things where the words on the surface don't go with what is going on, but inside, God is giving me an interpretation that is right on. I just knew that this is what I have been searching for-the direction I needed.

Funny how is a split second, God can speak VOLUMES to our souls. I kinda think it will be that way when we die and we get glimpses of it here on earth. We will just KNOW. What ever it is we've ever wondered, I believe when we die, we will KNOW. 1 Corinthians 13:12

In my heart, as I read the following words, I knew God was calling me to a new season in my life. I have taken the first steps and it's time to dive in. So here I am, stepping out of the boat of "church as we know it" and commiting myself to the water.

I even wrote about this vision I had earlier this year. I said "I suddenly see the futility of what I am doing, give up and decide it's not worth the battle. I am just too tired and it's not getting us anywhere. We just can't all fit on the boats. I fully expect to sink and die, but instead I find that when I quit fighting and clamoring for the safety of the boats, my life preserver holds me up effortlessly and I am fine." I just wasn't putting the two together. I had based my concerns on some dreams I had aobut 2 years ago about our church being "taken over" by one group or another and I was the lone voice shouting warnings to everyone. Maybe instead of warning me to beware of being decieved, those dreams were warning me of how I would be when our church goes through changes.

Anyway, read on. Thank you to those who have been praying for me and my church through all of this. Truthfully, I had my mind made up to leave, but now I am at peace with staying. God just gave me new eyes to see things the way He wanted me to. Church will never be the same. It is about to become an adventure!

"Friend, will you hoard the last drops of oil in your jug or will you lavish them on others because you have nothing to lose? God has a plan. Be there when he stops by. Bake him a cake. He's got a miracle of grace in store, just for you." excerpt from "Fresh out of Grace" by Barbara Johnson from the devotional book Extravagant Grace.

1 Kings 17: 7-157 Some time later the brook dried up because there had been no rain in the land. 8 Then the word of the LORD came to him: 9 "Go at once to Zarephath of Sidon and stay there. I have commanded a widow in that place to supply you with food." 10 So he went to Zarephath. When he came to the town gate, a widow was there gathering sticks. He called to her and asked, "Would you bring me a little water in a jar so I may have a drink?" 11 As she was going to get it, he called, "And bring me, please, a piece of bread."

12 "As surely as the LORD your God lives," she replied, "I don't have any bread—only a handful of flour in a jar and a little oil in a jug. I am gathering a few sticks to take home and make a meal for myself and my son, that we may eat it—and die."

13 Elijah said to her, "Don't be afraid. Go home and do as you have said. But first make a small cake of bread for me from what you have and bring it to me, and then make something for yourself and your son. 14 For this is what the LORD, the God of Israel, says: 'The jar of flour will not be used up and the jug of oil will not run dry until the day the LORD gives rain on the land.' "

15 She went away and did as Elijah had told her. So there was food every day for Elijah and for the woman and her family. 16 For the jar of flour was not used up and the jug of oil did not run dry, in keeping with the word of the LORD spoken by Elijah.

Luke 6:3838Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you."

Wednesday, June 7, 2006

Okay, this is a SERIOUS brag. My daughter scored-not one-but TWO homeruns last night in her last game of the season, her team won the game, and went UNDEFEATED for the season! The celebrated by dousing the coach-my husband-and doing a victory cheer.

Psalms 51 (I have had this broken, contrite moment before God and He was faithful to cover me with His grace). My favorite verses are 10-12 which I have cried out countless times when confronted with my sin.

1 Have mercy on me, O God, according to your unfailing love; according to your great compassion blot out my transgressions. 2 Wash away all my iniquity and cleanse me from my sin. 3 For I know my transgressions, and my sin is always before me. 4 Against you, you only, have I sinned and done what is evil in your sight, so that you are proved right when you speak and justified when you judge. 5 Surely I was sinful at birth, sinful from the time my mother conceived me. 6 Surely you desire truth in the inner parts [a] ; you teach [b] me wisdom in the inmost place. 7 Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean; wash me, and I will be whiter than snow. 8 Let me hear joy and gladness; let the bones you have crushed rejoice. 9 Hide your face from my sins and blot out all my iniquity. 10 Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. 11 Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me. 12 Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me. 13 Then I will teach transgressors your ways, and sinners will turn back to you. 14 Save me from bloodguilt, O God, the God who saves me, and my tongue will sing of your righteousness. 15 O Lord, open my lips, and my mouth will declare your praise. 16 You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it; you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings. 17 The sacrifices of God are [c] a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise. 18 In your good pleasure make Zion prosper; build up the walls of Jerusalem. 19 Then there will be righteous sacrifices, whole burnt offerings to delight you; then bulls will be offered on your altar.

2. Give a bit of your testimony:

Drugs, sex, and rock &roll. I take the fifth on this one right now. I am okay with telling my story, but there are still people who could be hurt if they knew.

3. Do you have a favorite preacher:

At the moment, I don’t have a very good view of preachers. Unfortunately over the last few years I have seen too many of them go the wrong way. I DO however have TEACHERS that I love and respect-my husband being one of them.4. Best bible study ever done:

The Patriarchs by Beth Moore

5. What do you feel God's call is on your life:

To teach my children to know and love Him and to seek Him on their own. To capture as much of the beauty of His creation that I can. Eventually to write my “story” To reach out to people with addictions, especially those involved in sexual addictions-both hetero and homosexual. They need to know that you CAN get free from it-trust me, when you are in the middle of it, it has such a grip on you that you just want to give up and become what you know you should not be.

Seven Seven's

7 Books I Love:

1. Redeeming Love-My all time favorite having read it seven times and owned /loaned/given out at least 20 copies- by Francine Rivers (pretty much ANYthing by her)2. The End of the Spear by Steve Saint3. A Lantern in Her Hand (can't remember the author, but this is an old book-1930's I think)4. Do You Think I’m Beautiful by Angela Thomas (I think that's the author's name)5. The Note by Angela Elwell Hunt6. My scrapbooks7. Jean Auel books-except for the last one which was a huge disappointment after a long 10-year wait. I read these when I was much younger and dumber and was fascinated by all the research that went into them.

7 Movies I Can Watch Over and Over:

1. Forever Young2. Grease3. The Wizard of Oz4. The Notebook5. Last of the Mohicans6. Any Star Trek movie7. The Phantom of the Opera

7 Things I Say Often:

1. Suuuure2. Meh-Ama-Ru-Ju-Ry-Who are you anyway?!?!?! (The first part of kid's names till I get the right one.)3. ONE…TWO… THREE…(slow count to ten while waiting for compliance from kids)4. Get off my computer!5. Go, empty the dishwasher/clean off the table/advance the laundry/clean your room (depending on whose turn/room it is)6. I wanna scrapbook soooooo bad!/Wanna scrapbook?7. I don’t know. (said like why the heck are you asking me this?)

7 Things I Love About My Spouse:

1. He is stable2. I am completely comfortable with him.3. We don’t fight-even when we disagree4. He works so hard so I can stay home5. He never complains about me-NEVER (although the side effect of this is that I am often wondering what he is REALLY thinking about me)6. I can imagine him putting himself between his family and danger, even if it meant his life. (he is that kind of man.)7. He puts the toilet seat down and has taught his boys to do likewise.J

7 Things I Can Not Do:

1. bend2. use a hammer or screwdriver3. handle bugs, spiders or anything dead (which thanks to the cats we have plenty of)4. keep house5. remember to pray about a problem before I am already fretting over it. (I hate this about myself)6. ride a rollercoaster-I’m deathly afraid of the drop7. public speaking-microphones make me cry

Tuesday, June 6, 2006

There are times when I draw so into myself to find an answer on an issue that I feel like I am turning inside out. The last 2 weeks have been like that. An up and down roller coaster of questioning my belief system. God had already started the process-testing my limits, pushing my boundaries. Then man comes along and explodes the issue altogether-in a way I'm not so sure God meant. I am trying to pick up the peices and fit them back together, but they don't all fit.

And I am not sure if it is pride that keeps them from fitting or if it is a check in my spirit. Part of me wants things to fit the way "man" says it should fit cause it would actually benefit some other things going on in my life right now. Another part of me, for some unexplicable reason says there's something missing.

I have seen both sides of this issue presented scripturally and there is a place for both sides. I'm just not sure I (meaning me and my family) am supposed to be a part of it. People are talking to me like I am letting Satan steal this from me, but I don't know if it is Satan stealing it from me, or God showing me something that no one else sees.

Certainly, I do find myself looking at my motives. I know I don't WANT to find that they are wrong, but after examining them, and being told HOW they are wrong, I still do NOT see them as being wrong.

Walking away will mean starting over in a lot of areas that I felt established and ready to move forward in. I certainly don't WANT to have to start over. Walking away will mean leaving "home" in one sense of the word. It will mean shame to a certain extent because "man" tells me I am wrong if I walk away.

One minute, I am fine. Accepting. The next I am confused. Unsure. Then I wonder if it's worth all the worrying over. But still...I feel...a warning. Like there is a deeper issue at hand that will in time ensnare me. What that issue is, I don't know-I don't even have a hint. I think that's why I wonder if I should listen to it at all.

The Bible says that in the end times, even the very elect will be decieved. This plays over and over again in my mind as I think about this. But am I the elect that is decieved? Or am I being warned not to let myself be decieved?

I am seeking Godly counsel on this matter. It is my hope that he will be seperate enough from the issue to give wise counsel. As a former pastor, I feel he knows scripture enough to base his thoughts on that, my only concern is the doctrinal differences. I am in hopes that he will look past denominational lines on this issue. I DO need to hear from someone on the outside and someone who is not burdened with this issue as I am.

I feel like I am making more of this than I should. Why is such a seemingly simple thing bogging me down so? Funny thing is that my husband, though not in as much turmoil over it as I, is just as confused. He feels the decision has been made for him and that he is being cornered into following along. There again, this could very well just be our pride and resistance to change.

Another funny (in a queer sort of way) thing is that it is obvious that people know my reservations and approach me to talk me out of them. It seems that everyone I care about is already sold on this thing and is excited about it. I can't understand why I am not. It seems like a perfect solution. There is no reason why I (meaning normally I would jump on an idea like this "I") should not be happy with it. Normally I love the adventure of change and I have been begging my husband to let me change something about our lives for several months now. I really want to move-preferably to another state-not because I don't like it here, but because I WANT change. How odd is that?

Monday, June 5, 2006

Is it a product of the times that life seems so complicated?Did God really mean for us to be so confused about how we should be?Sequestered and safe or service to the lost inundated.I feel a deep call to holiness is for mine and me.Yet also to reach out to the lost and love them unabated.God has been telling me that this is how things should be.The church for so long has turned it's back on anyone to it unrelated.It seems to have developed a country club mentality.Is it pride I feel when I sense these things, then when faced with it feel jaded?Is it simply that I felt different and am now lumped as a pharisee?I just can't resolve that this shouldn't be debated.Both a commitment to the lost as well as believers' ministry.Must I really only to one be dedicated?Far from God, those are the hardest to seebrought to the kingdom, emancipated.But Christians too, often in bondage, needing to be free, need care, growth, encouragement, this should not be negatedshouldn't I protect my children to some degree?The influence others have is underrated.Is there no way for both to be?I just can't bring myself to find the two unrelated.

Friday, June 2, 2006

Way of the Master is about witnessing. You may have seen it on Christian television, it's the one with Kirk Cameron in it. They have an awesome way of taking the terror out of approaching people with the Gospel and showing you what to do in many different situations. This million dollar bill thing is a gospel tract on one side. It is OBVIOUSLY not real nor trying to look real. It is simply an attention getting tool. When I got this email today, I just sat there staring at my computer screen in disbelief. I don't, nor will I, usually get political in this blog accept to say that I am a conservative (I can't even bring myself to claim the R party right now because I am so frustrated with them) because I am a bit opinionated in that arena and I find it's better to just keep my mouth shut and my fingers still when it comes to politics. But this takes the cake. I have to ask...Doesn't our government have anything better to do????

June 2, 2006

Millions Confiscated

Today (Friday, June 2nd) the Secret Service seized a large supply of our Million Dollar Bill tracts from The Great News Network in Texas. They told them that someone in North Carolina tried to deposit one in their bank, and that if they didn't give up their supply, they would arrest them. Then they said they are going to seize our supply in California. If you want Million Dollar bill tracts, you had better order them pronto.

Thursday, June 1, 2006

It has just come to my attention that my hard drive is alot like my desk. I went to look for something I had written in the past and realized that I don't know where I put it.

Like the huge piles of paper all over my desk, my hard drive has pictures, junk mail, bills, papers, you-name-it, it's in there. I know I put it there cause I put EVERYthing there. I just don't know how deep or which stack it's in. Instead of not remembering what it looks like-like I have to do with things on my desk-I don't remember the name I gave it. I really should clean it all up, but where my desk (due to the fact that I do clean it up ever so often) has only months of buildup on it, my computer has YEARS of stuff. Where do I begin.........(overwhelmed sigh).

About Me

My gems

These are what make me tick.

Followers

Check your chip at the door.

If you are easily offended, you may want to stop where you are. I am a Christ follower, a human, and a political science major, which you can imagine, makes for an eclectic mix of ideas. I go to church, but I do not believe "religion" is anything more than an institution. Relationship, now that's what it's all about.

I do not see color unless color is thrown in my face. I do not believe in being offended by things people say because we all say stupid things from time to time and sometimes what we say isn't meant to sound the way others hear it. I also believe that the things people say are often colored by their circumstances. Often, very kind people are faced with situations that make their words sharp and coarse.

I don't mind people who disagree with me because I reserve the right to disagree with them. We have a right to free speech and if I want to have it, then you get it too. However, foul language and name-calling are just plain stupid. If you can't disagree in an intelligent manner, then I don't want to hear your stupidity. Know why you disagree and don't just mimic what you've heard from someone else. Think for yourself. Also, find truth. It won't be given to you on TV or in the papers. Blogs will often go way off in the other direction. Find it for yourself and then stand up for it. It does exist.

That being said, THIS IS MY BLOG and I won't have it hijacked by ANYbody. If you don't like what you read and feel the need to spew, you can e-mail me, but you will not be allowed to comment anywhere on my blog. Even if you find a place to, it will be deleted. This is MY place. Go get your own.