What Is A Toxic Mother And How Does She Affect Relationships?

You
dread
family
get-togethers.
A
phone
call
from
Mom
is
usually
an
emotional
minefield,
and
you
consciously
opt
against
having
children
of
your
own
because
parenthood
sure
sucked
for
her.
If
you
find
any
of
these
statements
relatable,
read
on.
You
may
have
a
toxic
mother.
It's
not
your
fault
that
she
is
treating
you
this
way.
You
can
learn
what's
causing
it
to
happen,
and
how
to
move
forward
in
a
productive
and
healthy
way.

A Toxic Mother Can Have Extreme Affects In Your Life - Find Support to Move Forward

What
Makes
a
Toxic
Mother?

First,
it's
important
to
note
that
is
not
your
fault
that
you
have
a
toxic
mother.
Many
people
struggle
with
complex
family
dynamics.
We'll
list
some
characteristics
of
toxic
mothers
below.
It
is
also
important
to
remember
here
that
most
parents
are
guilty
of
a
few,
and
even
all,
of
the
following
traits,
at
least
some
of
the
time.
This
is
normal,
and
most
often
not
harmful.
A
toxic
mother,
however,
will
constantly
or
regularly
display
two
or
more
of
the
following
characteristics.
And
if
you
still
have
a
relationship
with
her
today,
understand
that
you're
not
making
her
behave
in
an
abusive
manner
towards
you.
She
is
making
choices
to
act
in
a
particular
way.

Constant
criticism

Controlling
behavior

Guilt-tripping
and
manipulation

Humiliation

Invalidation
of
your
emotions

Passive
aggression

Disrespectful
of
personal
boundaries

One-sided
relationship

We'll
explore
these
traits
in
more
detail
later
in
the
article.

How
Can
I
Move
Forward?

What
can
you
do?
You
can't
change
your
mother,
but
you
can
work
on
your
relationship
with
yourself.
One
of
the
ways
to
do
this
is
to
set
boundaries
with
people
who
make
you
feel
bad.
If
you
find
that
interacting
with
your
mother
makes
you
feel
worse
about
yourself,
then
it
may
be
time
to
set
some
serious
boundaries
with
her.
If
this
seems
too
difficult,
one
way
to
get
help
setting
these
boundaries
is
to
see
an
individual
therapist,
who
will
help
you
grow
the
sense
of
strength
and
independence
needed.
Whether
you
work
with
an
online
counselor
or
a
therapist
in
your
local
area,
you
deserve
to
be
able
to
process
your
complex
relationship
with
a
professional
who
has
relevant
experience.

The
Characteristics
of
a
Toxic
Mother

This
is
not
an
attempt
to
demonize
mothers,
nor
is
it
meant
to
fuel
feelings
of
hatred
towards
yours.
However,
it
will
be
counter-productive,
even
harmful,
to
make
excuses
for
her
behavior,
and
to
underestimate
the
extent
of
its
effect
on
you.
Also,
note
that
this
list
of
character
traits
is
not
exhaustive.
A
mother
who
consistently
ignores
your
stated
boundaries,
withholds
love,
or
invalidates
your
feelings
in
any
way,
displays
toxic
traits,
and
these
may
manifest
in
more
ways
than
those
stated
here.

Source:
pixabay.com

1.
Constantly
Critical

Does,
"Nothing
is
ever
good
enough
for
Mom"
ring
true
for
you?
This
often
goes
not
only
for
you
but
most
people
and
things
in
her
life.
She
is
perpetually
disapproving
and
a
perfectionist,
as
things
seem
to
meet
her
exacting
standards
seldom.
Your
inner
critic
probably
sounds
just
like
her!

As
a
child,
you
are
likely
to
have
been
criticized
often
and
severely.
More
subtle
forms
of
criticism
would
include
the
apparently
loving
teasing
or
labeling,
such
as:
"This
is
our
lazy
child,"
"She's
clever
but
an
underachiever,"
or
"He's
a
stubborn/naughty
bugger."
This
toxic
mother
is
also
likely
to
spot
the
speck
in
an
otherwise
perfect
offering,
and
her
perfectionism
will
cause
you
to
feel
never
quite
good
enough,
no
matter
what
you
do.

2.
Control
Freak

Controlling
tendencies
sometimes
accompany
the
Constantly
Critical
mom's
behavior.
She
often
has
a
strong,
even
overpowering
personality
with
leadership
qualities.
However,
she
probably
still
issues
you
with
instructions
on
how
to
behave,
what
to
wear,
and
what
to
do,
even
when
it's
completely
age-inappropriate.
She
also
opines
on
many
aspects
of
your
life
and
considers
herself
an
expert
on
these,
despite
well-evidenced
protestations.
Her
tone
of
voice
is
often
all
it
takes
to
either
paralyze
you
or
galvanize
you
into
automatic
action
whenever
you
visit!
This
mother
is
probably
used
to
getting
her
way
with
people
so
that
she
could
display
controlling
behavior
in
most
relationships.

3.
Master
Guilt-Tripper
&
Manipulator

All
these
behavioral
traits
are
inherently
manipulative,
but
some
mothers
display
alarming
skills
in
the
dark
art
of
negative
manipulation.
She
actively
works
to
make
you
feel
guilty
or
responsible
for
her
bad
behavior,
often
when
she
cannot
have
her
way.
She
is
likely
to
be
an
expert
at
honing
in
on
your
emotional
weak
spots
or
'buttons'
like
a
heat-seeking
missile
and
can
play
masterfully
with
your
emotions.
After
all,
she
knows
you
very
well.
Do
you,
for
instance,
find
that
despite
your
best
intentions
to
the
contrary,
you
sometimes
just
react
in
response
to
something
she
says
or
does?
That's
very
probably
the
Manipulator
pulling
your
strings.
She
can
also,
indirectly
or
directly,
blame
you
for
her
problems,
or
hold
you
accountable
for
her
failures
in
life.

4.
Humiliator
and
Saboteur

This
can
be
subtle
or
quite
brutally
direct.
This
mother
will
regularly
make
negative
comments
or
jokes
about
you
in
front
of
family
and
your
friends,
without
regard
for
how
her
words
may
affect
you.
If
you
confront
her,
then
the
toxic
mother's
reaction
is
usually
to
admonish
you
for
being
over-sensitive
or
unable
to
take
a
joke/criticism,
etc.

5.
Invalidates
Negative
Emotions
or
Disallows
Them

This
trait
is
related
to
those
above
when
you
are
being
belittled
or
criticized
for
expressing
unhappiness
with
the
way
you
are
being
treated,
or
for
expressing
any
negative
emotion
towards
her.
In
particular,
expressing
anger
towards
her
is
not
allowed,
or
punished
with
severe
passive
aggression.
You
may
even
be
criticized
for
feeling
bad,
irrespective
of
the
reason.
All
of
this
is
likely
to
result
in
making
you
feel
that
you
had
better
not
share
any
negative
feelings
with
her.

A Toxic Mother Can Have Extreme Affects In Your Life - Find Support to Move Forward

6.
Passive
Aggressive

Passive
aggression
can
be
defined
as,
"non-verbal
aggression
that
manifests
in
negative
behavior."
This
mother
will
not
outwardly
express
her
anger
or
resentment
towards
you,
but
might,
for
instance,
deliberately
delay
an
event,
pitch
up
late
for
an
important
appointment,
or
act
morose
and
sullen
towards
you
for
no
apparent
reason.
The
toxic
mother
doesn't
respond
well
to
confrontation
and
tends
to
avoid
emotional
intimacy
at
all
costs.
She
is
often
also
a
Control
Freak.

7.
Disrespects
Personal
Boundaries

You're
visiting
at
your
mother's
house.
You're
showering
when
your
mother
walks
into
the
bathroom
and
offers
to
wash
your
back.
This
may
sound
innocent,
yet
it
is
not
if
you
happen
to
be,
for
instance,
an
able-bodied
adult.
In
this
case,
her
behavior
is
highly
inappropriate.
Other
manifestations
of
this
trait
could
include
her
opening
and
read
your
private
mail
without
permission,
hacking
your
computer
or
phone
to
read
your
texts,
contacting
your
friends
or
boss
to
discuss
you
inappropriately,
or
showing
up
at
your
house
anytime
and
unannounced.
A
mother
such
as
this,
who
ignores
your
requests
for
boundaries
or
privacy,
is
a
mother
with
attachment
problems
and
a
lack
of
respect.

8.
You're
Her
Best
Friend
and
Closest
Confidante

This
is
not
always
a
characteristic
of
the
toxic
mother,
as
close
and
good
relationships
between
parents
and
children
do
exist.
However,
if
she
also
displays
controlling,
manipulative
and
passive-aggressive
traits,
then
being
her
best
friend
can
be
a
huge
burden
on
you.
Some
toxic
mothers
don't
encourage
reciprocity
and
insist
that
you
focus
on
her
feelings
exclusively.
This
is
a
narcissistic
trait.
Alternatively,
when
you
share
emotional
intimacies
as
she
does,
the
toxic
mother
doesn't
hesitate
to
betray
your
confidence
or
manipulate
you
when
she
cannot
otherwise
control
you.

How
Does
Having
a
Toxic
Mother
Affect
Relationships?

It
goes
without
saying
that
the
relationship
between
you
and
a
toxic
mother
is
unlikely
to
be
healthy
or
nourishing.
Toxic
mother-daughter
relationships,
in
particular,
are
very
common,
with
toxic
mother-son
relationships
slightly
rarer.
Dysfunction
in
this
primary
connection
affects
all
aspects
of
a
person's
psyche
and
life,
and
awareness
of
this,
especially
in
women,
seems
to
be
on
the
rise.

Bethany
Webster,
a
trained
psychologist
and
Life
Coach,
has
coined
the
phrase
"Mother
Wound,"
defining
it
as
"…the
pain
of
being
a
woman
passed
down
through
generations
of
women
in
patriarchal
cultures."
Essentially,
she
argues
that
those
above,
and
other
traits
of
a
toxic
mother,
are
the
result
of
'dysfunctional
coping
mechanisms'
in
patriarchal
cultures.
This
is
a
sober
reminder
that
the
toxic
mother
is
herself
a
product,
not
only
of
her
dysfunctional
upbringing
but
a
largely
male-dominated
society.
That
said,
men
are
not
exempt
from
these
issues.
Elaborating
on
the
definition,
the
Mother
Wound
can
well
be
applied
to
explain
many
men's
life
experiences
too.

Source:
pxhere.com

An
unaddressed
Mother
Wound
gives
rise
to
feelings
of
(adapted
from
Womb
of
Light.com):

Not
being
good
enough

Shame
or
the
consistent
sense
that
there
is
something
wrong
with
you

Attenuation
or
the
feeling
that
you
must
remain
small/powerless
to
be
loved

Persistent
guilt
for
wanting
more
than
you
currently
have

These
feelings
and
an
inner
sense
of
disempowerment
and
worthlessness
are
ultimately
what
will
shape
all
relationships
in
a
person's
life.
It
takes
no
stretch
of
the
imagination
to
see
that
this
influence
is
not
positive
and
urgently
needs
to
be
addressed.
Webster
describes
the
following
relationship
fallouts:

Not
being
your
full
self
because
you
don't
want
to
threaten
others

Having
a
high
tolerance
for
poor
treatment
from
others

Emotional
caretaking

Feeling
competitive
with
other
women

Self-sabotage

Being
overly
rigid
and
dominating

Conditions
such
as
eating
disorders,
depression,
and
addictions

Seeking
Help

Realizing
that
you
need
help
to
deal
with
an
issue
is
most
often
the
first,
important
step
in
any
healing
journey.
If
reading
this
article
is
triggering,
it
may
be
an
indication
that
there's
something
active
in
your
psyche
that
needs
your
attention.
However,
it
would
not
be
advisable
to
tackle
this
one
alone.

A Toxic Mother Can Have Extreme Affects In Your Life - Find Support to Move Forward

BetterHelp
Values
Healthy
Relationships

You
might
not
know
if
the
relationship
with
your
mother
is
abusive
or
toxic.
You
don't
have
to
use
a
label
if
you're
not
sure.
The
goal
of
working
with
an
online
counselor
is
to
take
some
time
to
understand
your
feelings,
process
them,
and
find
ways
to
cope.
Family
dynamics
are
challenging
and
complicated.
When
you
have
a
toxic
mother,
you
may
be
afraid
to
admit
that
you
have
complex
emotions
toward
her.
These
are
things
that
you
can
work
through
with
an
online
counselor
at
BetterHelp,
an
unbiased
listener
who
cares
about
your
well-being.
By
processing
your
relationship,
you
can
learn
healthy
ways
to
cope
and
move
forward.

Many
clients
at
BetterHelp
have
worked
through
family
problems
with
their
online
therapists.
People
talk
through
their
emotional
challenges
with
their
families,
so
that
they
can
heal
and
have
fulfilling
relationships
with
other
people
in
their
lives.
Read
below
for
some
reviews
of
BetterHelp
counselors.

Counselor
Reviews

"I
have
had
three
encounters
of
counselors
in
my
life,
including
in-person
sessions,
and
I
can
confidently
recommend
Dr
Hahn
as
an
excellent
counselor.
He
listens
to
you,
understands
your
concerns,
and
doesn't
downplay
them.
You
are
taken
seriously.
I
didn't
think
online
therapy
can
be
as
in
depth
as
in-person
counseling,
but
with
his
encounters
I
learned
it's
the
counselor
who
makes
the
experience,
not
the
form
of
encounter.
I
will
continue
to
work
with
Dr
Hahn,
and
I
believe
in
his
approaches
and
interventions."

"Erin
has
been
incredibly
helpful
to
me
as
I
navigate
a
tough
situation
with
my
family.
She's
understanding
and
compassionate
and
non
judgmental."

Why
Enlist
the
Help
of
a
Therapist?

It
is
almost
a
given
that
you
will
have
significant
blind
spots
regarding
your
mother's
behavior
towards
you,
even
when
you
consciously
identify
her
as
a
serious
saboteur
in
your
life.
She
is
your
mom,
after
all,
and
at
least
a
part
of
you
loves
her;
critically
thinking
about
her
could
feel
like
a
betrayal,
and
make
you
feel
unsafe
and
upset.
These
feelings
could
impede
and
even
halt
any
self-healing
effort.
Only
a
trained
therapist
will
know
how
to
navigate
these
difficult
waters.

Another
important
point
to
keep
in
mind
is
that
you
have
internalized
your
mother's
toxic
behavior,
meaning
that
you
have
unconsciously
accepted
at
least
some
aspects
of
it
as
'normal.'
You
had
to,
for
emotional
survival.
Most
often,
it
will
take
a
skilled,
astute
therapist
or
counselor
to
gently
point
out
what
is
and
isn't
good
mothering,
and
guide
you
through
processes
to
address
how
this
affects
you.

Licensed
counselors
and
therapists
are
available
at
BetterHelp.com,
an
online
platform
where
you
can
connect
with
someone
who
has
been
trained
to
help
you
deal
with
a
toxic
mother
or
any
other
mental
health
challenge
you
may
be
facing.

The information on this page is not intended to be a substitution for diagnosis, treatment, or informed professional advice. You should not take any action or avoid taking any action without consulting with a qualified mental health professional. For more information, please read our terms of use.

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