Sunday, April 24, 2016

I stayed too late at the track and the sun turned off like
it does here, all at once – at 6:30 it simply topples off the side of the
earth. I started to walk home, long strides with my head down as if I could
walk through the dark, as if I could outrun it.

I wasn’t afraid of the dark as a child. I never slept with a
nightlight. Even now it’s not the twilight that I fear, but what is in it –
just as I’m not afraid of high places, but of the thought of tumbling off of
them.

That sickening kissing sound men make at me during the day
hardly bothers me anymore, but at night it makes my heart pound. The sound of
footsteps makes me hold my breath. I look for other people and for light. I
don’t stay out late. I sleep behind a locked door until the dawn begins to
trickle in.

Tegucigalpa can be a safe enough city if you know it well,
if you stay in its bright, public places, and if you have a car to get around. I’ve
been here eight months and have never been robbed or threatened. But I am
always taking precautions. I hide money in my clothes, come home before dark,
walk quickly and don’t meet strangers’ eyes.

Something happens when the sun sets. The streets become
quiet. People return to their homes. The military police come out and stand
watch under the flickering stoplights, young, bored-looking men with guns slung
over their narrow shoulders. That little pinch of fear in your stomach. That
tightness.

This was a fear I didn’t understand at first here. Nothing
bad had ever happened to me, not really. The dark was just another shade of
day.

I had to learn to fear; I had to be taught. Not the silly,
fluttery fear of imaginations but the sturdier one of possibilities. Of Where are you going and when will you be
home. Of Let’s cross the street here,
right now. My adventurousness had to bend to reality.

The dark is something unignorable, more even for my
neighbors than myself. They feel it breathing down their necks as they rush
home from work. They go to bed early; it hovers over them.

What you can’t see could be anything. That’s who’s afraid of
the dark – the people who don’t know what it’s hiding. The people with thinner
walls or no walls, who can’t afford cars and alarm systems and private guards.
The dark weighs down on them like eiderdown in summer. It feels hot and sour,
like fear, like the memory of what happened to their neighbor, their daughter,
themselves.

I feel something most acutely in this darkness – that violence
is not an equal opportunity offender. It usually strikes the weakest, the
closest to tumbling over the edge. It often strikes in the dark.