Hello! I haven't blogged in a few days because I've been so busy with homework. I can't do integration at all, which was what I planned to do today, so I decided to just take the day off after I finished my Bio Holiday Assignment. Hm, this post shall be center aligned since it's mostly pictures.

Went to the airport on my birthday to fetch the little bitch after her dance outing.

We went to Swensen's for my birthday lunch!

Selfies on a DSLR? Hmm

Soup of the day was seafood soup which tasted good. I love creamy soups.

Cheese sticks muahaha my favourite, everywhere

I ordered the Double Cheese Beef Burger. Big mistake! I don't like beef haha. I love McDonalds' cheeseburger so I thought I'd love this even more - look at the cheese and the thick beef patties! But no, I thought the beef taste was too strong. It was juicy though! If you can stand the very distinct taste of beef, get this - but if you can't, stick to chicken or fish!

Mom got the Ocean Treasures Salad. She seemed to like it! Very healthy I guess. She gave me some of the fish but they were kinda tasteless.

Hm this was the Baked Spaghetti Bolognaise. I didn't get to taste it but it sure does look good. If the meatballs taste like the beef burger patties though... heh no thanks.

Farah ordered the Sourdough 49ers Chicken. It looks damn good, I wish I got this as well. It has succulent chicken with chewy bacon, topped with melted cheese, in between two soft sourdough bread. Heavenly. I had only one bite, but damn, this was a beautiful dish.

Apple crumble for dessert! I've overcome one of my biggest phobias. Basically, on one of the previous times I visited Swensen's with my fam, several years ago, we ordered the apple crumble. When I wanted to push it over to my sister, I grabbed the handle. The really, really, really hot handle. And I was too much in shock to let go, so I held on for almost three excruciatingly long seconds. So yeah, my hand burnt and then dad asked me to put ice on it, which made it feel so much worse but at the same time so much better, I don't get how that was possible. But yeah, I was upset for quite awhile. Phobia over, though!

Free ice cream because it's my birthday!

What is this even - I look like a cat and Far looks... fierce.

Nad sucking on a cherry hehehe

This was on Christmas Eve, the day after my birthday. We were at Sakunthala's for my post birthday lunch and the butter chicken and sweet & sour sliced fish was delish ugh ugh my taste buds were in heaven. We went to Jurong Bird Park afterwards because River Safari was fully booked for their boat rides >:(

A huge ass vulture

Pretty flamingos! Smelly and noisy but beautiful.

Penguins muahaha. Penguins are so cute! I fell in love with penguins after watching Mr Popper's Penguins the other night haha

Macaws so pretty

Pelican looking sideways at me :)

The little bitch was in a mood

Emu! I thought they were extinct! Imagine my surprise when I saw several emus ALIVE UGH I have been lied to my entire life.

Hola. I woke up quite late today and had lunch, did some homework and then did some exercises. I felt dizzy afterwards so I lied down, but then I felt nauseous so it was just horrible. I'm okay now, done for the day so I'm just sitting here and being unproductive for the rest of my waking hours. I was about to sleep last night and I thought of a really wonderful topic to blog about but now I can't seem to remember what it was... I tried lucid dreaming but I failed terribly. I got to that stage where I can't feel my fingers but I wasn't dreaming either.

I was thinking of how life would be if life went exactly as I would've wanted it to go. I'd be much happier I think. If I were more organised, hardworking, smart, skinny, good at saving, blah blah blah I could go on forever, I think I would be so so so different. I think I'd dress differently, maybe with lots of skirts and shorts because goddamn Singapore is so hot, but with my current obesity problem I'm stuck with just jeans all the time. I'm really envious of people with high metabolism, those who eat a lot and don't get fat even when they don't exercise at all, and those who lose weight simply by not eating. Why can't I have it easy? Why is everything so hard for me? I'm just not strong enough for anything, I swear. I am never enough.

Mom paid for tuition today. I start on 1/1/14. I'm very angry and upset, I want to cry and die. As I mentioned in the previous post, it's a class of 3. My teacher's gonna be a Mr Chia. I am not good with new people! I remember how awkward it was when I enrolled for math tuition in late Sec 3. I first met Mr Lee and I was so scared and nervous. He turned out to be a nice old man, so I'm cool with that. Now, not only do I need to meet a total stranger for a teacher, I also have to meet two other seventeen year olds!! And I'm really bad at Chemistry so I bet everyone will be totally judging me because I'm taking tuition for freaking J2 Chem when my J1 Chem knowledge is almost non-existent. (But hey, I did my Chem TYS for Stoich today and I got 25/26!! 1 mark gone because I didn't know that C2H6O is propanone. We haven't studied this, right? Not my fault, then!!) Mom just told me she's not free to send me to my first tuition centre UGH HOW CAN SHE DO THIS TO ME. I have serious issues meeting people or talking to people I am about to have a massive breakdown. I want to cry really bad, okay let's change topic.

I wish snails could talk, so I can help bring them to their destination, like maybe across the road or the walkway.

SCREW YOU PUBERTY. Yes, I did just change the topic again but I'm so mad! Puberty usually makes people hot or beautiful or sexy or both, but it made me fat and ugly and stupid and disgusting! I used to have a 19.7 BMI, c'mon, that's so close to underweight (kind of) and now I'm just fat and disgusting like I ate a lot throughout my life but only started getting fat in secondary school. And my skin used to be okay, like zero acne and now I'm hideous. Screw you puberty, screw you. Actually, since my parents are such experts at kidnapping me and bringing me to places I don't want to go to (eg. anywhere outside home), it wouldn't be that hard for me to keep me in a room with just a bed, bathroom, water and a small gym, and a digital weighing scale. If they keep me there for hmm 3 months, I think I'd only sleep for the first month and finally just start exercising and when I see results, I'll most likely continue and then come out hot!!! I just really don't need school in my life right now.

I really want Red Velvet Hot Cocoa from Coffee Bean.

If I had the choice, the money, the freedom, and the courage, I want to go travel. Actually, no nevermind I'll make another post about travelling later this week or next week.

I wanna plan my wedding. I'm really excited about getting married - or really, I'm excited just thinking about being loved enough by someone that they want to marry me! I want a nice dress and nice cake and nice makeup and a personal trainer like a year before I get married haha so I'm gonna be beautiful on my wedding day. I really love Elie Saab. His dresses are just p e r f e c t.

I've just begun watching My Mad Fat Diary. There's only 6 episodes so far, and the next season starts next year so I'll just watch it after As. Hahahahahaha dad just promised to give me a thousand for every A I get for A Levels. If I get straight As, $5k. Wowowow but that's impossible. It'd be great to even get a thousand. I got $200 for my A for Malay. I should've gotten $1400 since I got 7As, but hm I don't really like extorting money from my dad so whatever, it's cool although I'm broke right now. Ah, gotta go.

I've had so many different blogs. Four to be exact. And sometimes when I read all those all posts, I see how much I've changed, how much I've matured (not much, but you know what I mean) I used to blog in different fonts, different colours - all in one post. Of course, what I blog about has always been the same. I'll talk about my day and everything that happened. Pretty boring, it makes me wonder why some of you still read my blog.

I have to admit that I'm a complete emotional mess these past few years. I think there must have been some point in my life when I was happy but I just can't remember that. I don't have memories of a time when I was truly happy. Not one bit of darkness or sadness in my heart. Just pure innocence and happiness. My life kind of went downhill after Sec 2 and I keep hearing Nabs' voice when I think about that. I hear her saying "She used to be so outgoing and confident and loud" and I think I can remember that. Just a fragment of my life that I remember. I even ran for class chairman position. I recall myself ending my speech with a "Vote for me, because I'm awesome!" Of course, I didn't get the position but it was a good experience. Haha I became a sad person afterwards. I don't know what happened, I just found myself in a deep dark hole and I couldn't find a way out. I couldn't remember how I got there. And just when I thought things couldn't get any worse, the floor beneath me dropped and I found myself further away from freedom, further away from happiness. I struggled so hard to climb out and reach my happiness but eventually I just gave up. Some days the sun was shining really bright and some days it was just gloomy and dark. Some days I felt like nothing at all.

The five pillars of Islam are:

Shahadah: declaring there is no god except God, and Muhammad is God's Messenger

Solat: ritual prayer five times a day

Puasa: fasting and self-control during the blessed month of Ramadan

Zakat: giving 2.5% of one’s savings to the poor and needy

Haji: pilgrimage to Mecca at least once in a lifetime if he/she is able to

If the determination of how religious one is based on the five pillars of Islam, then I'd say that I'm 60% religious. I'm not really religious but somehow religion is the only thing stopping me from killing myself. I'm a coward as well so that can be one of the factors why I'm still here. I don't get why people say it's a very selfish and cowardly act to kill oneself. I mean, I'm pretty sure it takes a lot of courage to actually do it. And how is it selfish? Yes, you did it to end the pain you're going through and that process makes others around you suffer. But you're supposed to care about them when they never cared about you when you're the one suffering? I guess it's an exaggeration to say that people never cared, but why do I feel so alone then? There's so many people who have been there for me and I'm constantly thankful. Wow, my mind's in such a huge mess.

Anyway, I'm almost done with Hart of Dixie. I think the next episode is next year. So yay me for finishing two and a quarter seasons within two weeks. I should start homework and revision soon. Maybe next week. Less than 3 weeks to school re-opening I think. I hope I don't go crazy next year.

Why is it that it's much easier to remember the mean things people say to/about me than it is to remember the nice things people say? (I miss Japan so much and the Japan Trip people!!!) Back in Japan, I was walking with LKM and he said, "What makes you think that? You're not fat at all." And I was just thinking what his definition of fat is... I'm obviously overweight and I completely don't understand how he can think I'm not fat at all and it actually looked like he really meant it. He's so nice.

I'm sick now. It makes my days even worse because I wake up much later and I feel so tired all the time. I haven't been sick in a year or more. I feel like crap. I've been typing up this post for over a few days. I don't even know what was the purpose of this post.

I'm jealous of people who have ambition. They what they want to be in the future, so they have goals and a sense of direction in life. The little bitch wants to be a doctor, Farah wants to be an economist, Nabs wants to be a paediatrician, Fayy wants to be an architect and it's all so wonderful to know what you want. While I'm just... doing whatever to get through the year, every year. I just want direction in life, something big to aim for. A major life goal. Like how Zoe (from Hart of Dixie) has been working her ass off to become a cardiothoracic surgeon and it's that kind of determination that I want to have. But without motivation and an end goal, how do I get there? I know people always say that life is about the journey, not the destination. But if I don't know where that destination is, then the journey would be pointless, right? It's frustrating. I remember during orientation, Nasrul who was my AGL (God, I swear I miss my Triton day(s)), asked me what subject combi I was planning to take and when I said BCME, he said that that's the "doctor" combination and at that moment, I was thinking that wow, maybe I could be a doctor. But then lectures and tutorials started and immediately, I knew it was unrealistic to even dream of being a doctor. I was never smart to begin with. I was always lingering somewhere at the bottom of the cohort. I did quite okay during my first couple of years in primary school. Top in Malay, 2nd/4th in class. Then I got to upper primary and had difficulties with science. Graduated primary school with a PSLE aggregate of 243 and AA*AB and I forgot what grade I got for Higher Malay. Dad chose TKGS for me and I dreadfully attended school and it was shitty knowing how stupid I am. I don't study much, I've always been a slacker. Always being the last few in class for exams. And finally after a lot of last-minute studying (I was watching Vampire Diaries like 3 weeks before my O Levels, c'mon), I got an L1R5 of 12 (raw) That's 7As and 2Bs. Minus CCA and HMT points, I got an L1R5 of 8. And I managed to get into MJ. I was so happy because I loved it here. I loved that it's so close to home. But studies... I'm a total failure. I'm so terrified of 2014 because it's probably gonna be the hardest ever - obviously - and with my lack of motivation, I'm so scared that it'll all go to waste. That I'm gonna screw it up and end up as nothing. A complete waste of space. A flaw in the universe.

I've been doing research about universities. I always tell myself that I don't know what I want in life, and that I don't even want to be in university, but I find myself doing research, what the hell! I really just want to get out of here, out of Singapore. But I'm not sure I'm welcome overseas either. With the amount of racism and xenophobia, I'm almost certain I won't be accepted in any other place. Singapore is my home, and as much as I hate the weather, I just have to stay.