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At this stage, you are generally unaware of any desire to eat a sandwich. Maybe you are watching TV. Maybe you are talking on the phone. Whatever you are doing, you are content to be alive without a sandwich in your mouth.

2. Desire for sandwich registers

You become vaguely aware that something isn't right when a feeling of uneasiness engulfs you like a dark, suffocating fog. You realize that you are going to need a sandwich.

3. Panic

HOLY SHIT!!!!!! YOU NEED A SANDWICH RIGHT FUCKING NOW OR YOU ARE GOING TO DIE!!!!!!!!

This stage comes on abruptly and usually before you have time to even make it to the kitchen, let alone go through all the steps of preparing a sandwich. You feel like your body is imploding into a black hole of hunger and without a sandwich to plug that hole, you will almost certainly perish.

4. Melodramatic journey to kitchen

Hunger has a way of bringing drama to the surface. The combination of hopelessness and self-pity often leads to unnecessary theatrics.

5. Planning

Your sandwich is going to be the best sandwich ever. A sandwich to rule all sandwiches. No matter how many things you put on it, it always seems like there needs to be more things.

6. Creation of a monstrosity that even you will look back on with shame and bewilderment

Hunger has clearly clouded your judgment because your sandwich turns out to be a towering atrocity of questionable meat and condiments that are wonderful on their own, but taken together, create an oozing sludge of nearly inedible failure.

Despite this, you feel like you are some sort of mad genius. You should be on Iron Chef! You are creating new flavor frontiers!

7. Anticipation

This is probably the best stage of eating a sandwich. In this moment, you imagine a kind of nirvana that is not attainable by mortals. Your mind conjures up a flavor experience so powerful that it defies logic. As you sit there staring at your glorious sandwich, nothing else matters.

8a. First assault

You seem to have neglected a few details during preparation, namely the discrepancy between the size of your mouth and the size of what you can reasonably expect to fit inside something the size of your mouth. Your sandwich is cumbersome and unwieldy. If you want to eat it, you are going to have to get creative.

8b. Second assault

8c. Third assault

9. Violence

You finally resort to trying to crush the sandwich with your hands. You stand over it like a caveman, beating it with your fists in a fit of rabid frustration. Condiment sludge squishes out the sides in rivers.

10. Success (?)

The sandwich finally submits to your reshaping efforts. You have reduced your once majestic creation to a festering shadow of its former self, but it is now possible to put it in your mouth! YAY!!!! You think you've won.

11. Resolution

Sandwiches almost always end in one of two ways.

If you made the unfortunate mistake of underestimating your hunger, you will be unable to enjoy the final third of your sandwich because you will be too busy being afraid that there will not be enough of it. Every wonderful bite is filled with the painful realization that it is bringing you closer to having nothing more to eat. You begin to panic. You try taking smaller bites and chewing longer. You alternate taking a real bite and just sniffing the sandwich and moving your jaw to simulate eating. But nothing can reverse the inescapable fact that you didn't make yourself enough sandwich.

Conversely, if you overestimated the amount of free space inside of you, you will be faced with a harrowing battle of man against sandwich. And the sandwich always wins. If you force yourself to finish the sandwich, it will defeat you from the inside. If you give up and leave part of the sandwich uneaten, it will haunt you with guilt and feelings of inadequacy.

I love steps 3 and 4 !!! That is me EVERY meal time, and it doesn't just relate to sandwiches!And you are spot on with the situation about under estimating the amount of sandwich required and trying to stretch it out a little more with small bites! Totally ruins the whole sandwich experience!

Good thing it is almost sandwich time for me! I am soon to embark on step number 4, a step which I had left previously unnamed. I thank you and your greatness for naming step 4 for me, as I would have been quite lost on my own.

There is, however, one discrepancy between your list of steps and my own... my third assault tends not to be mind eating, rather, I usually attempt to karate chop the sandwich in half so as to make smaller portions for ease of mastication, but I usually just get the condiment schlop on my hand.

It's always the potato chips for me. They win every time. I always buy the super-sized bag of rippled chips, but it's too big to eat all at once (although sometimes I do, and then I'm sick for 3 days), but if I leave some to another day, I feel bad for the remaining chips, and guilty that I didn't share my chips with the kids.

It's never-ending.

And I like that you ended at 11. Although in reality it's more like 13 because you kind of cheated with the 3-step #8, which you most probably did to avoid having a #13 in the first place. Whatever.

That 11th step is painfully true. A similar situation comes up in restaurants. If you order a wrap or sandwich, there is always an option for fries. If you get the fries, you will inevitable indulge in too many fries during the sandwich eating process, and by the end... too much sandwich. But if you don't get them, you finish your sandwich only to find about 5-10 fries would totally hit the spot. No win situation.

Son of a bitch. I just read a post about some dude named Cheng and I wanted some PF Chang's lettuce wraps - now I read this and all I can think about is a GD sandwich. OF COURSE I have no bread because my fat ass needed french toast last night.

that's why it's always good to have a sandwich buddy with you. Then you can make too much sandwich on purpose. When you get to the "I'm done" phase you had off the rest to your sandwich to your sandwich buddy (see: dog). Now HE can deal with the NOT ENOUGH SANDWICH problem and leave you a happy camper. *evil laugh* (If you love your dog too much to leave him in this quandary then just substitute dinosaur goose instead) ~Jenn(damn, now I want a sandwich and I don't have a dog ... or a goose.)

That feeling of impending death from too much sandwich is just one step closer to glorious victory. Your job now to keep the sandwich from escaping, leave enough room to breathe, and let your stomach acids inflict upon the sandwich its final, grisly demise.

I've been randomly checking this all night. I tell myself to leave and then half and hour later this creepy little voice in the back of my head goes "maybe she's posted something now...can't hurt to look!" For once those voices in my head were actually right!

There is nothing worse than underestimating your hunger when it comes to sandwiches. I mean, sandwiches take a lot of prep time, and you probably spend a good five to ten minutes making your sandwich, and you eat it in three minutes, and you're left feeling hungrier than you were before.

This so happened to me today! Except I didn't make the sandwich I made people make me a sandwich at the sandwich shop where they make the best sandwiches ever.

But, I underestimated my hunger and I thought I didn't have enough sandwich so I tried to savor the sandwich and eat slowly. But, then my stomach tried to kill me when I tried to finish my sandwich. Now I feel guilt for not eating the last bite.

Poor Poor last bite of Mr. Awesome Sandwich. Its probably going to eat me in my sleep for not eating it. :s

OMG there is only one place in the world that makes PERFECTLY sized sandwiches, and it exists in portland, OR. i'm now 3,000+ miles away from it, sob. however, you are closer, so if you ever get that way...east side deli, look it up, i wish they would ship to my house.

I don't know if anyone already said this, but I hate it when you look in your refrigerator (or in the snow refrigerator outside) and there is NO SANDWICH FOOD and you are forced to make a chip and ketchup sandwich on a raisin English Muffin.

I started keeping alfalfa sprouts on hand a few weeks ago. Alfalfa sprouts and provolone cheese by themselves make quite a tasty sandwich. It does help to put them between bread, but I'm sure it's not necessary. Now I want sandwiches three (or five) meals a day and that just can't be healthy.

I feel the same way about omelettes. I LOVE finding leftovers and just plopping them in the eggs like, "You're gonna be delicious!"The worst is when you have the perfect combination of egg, tomatoes, leftover meat, cheese, and then you get distracted and it burns. My whole day is just ruined after that.

I finally found a good sandwich near where I work, and now it has consumed my soul. All I want is that want chicken salad sandwich. Whenever I make myself a sandwich in the morning I think "Oh, this will be great!" But by lunch time, all I am is disappointed that I won't be having that chickeny goodness. And then I feel bad for not wanting my sandwich. It's miserable.

I was eating a sandwich while I was reading this, and unfortunately the sandwich was definitely not big enough. I WANT MORE! Now I'm all out of sandwich making materials and I'll have to settle on a bowl of cereal or something to make my stomach happy. :(

I Honestly was just thinking before I stumbled aross this site, 'I'm sooo fucking hungry I could eat my own goddamn arm.' And now..all I can think about is sandwhiches.. and I cant make one either because we have no bread!! NO BREAD!! its 5am!! where the hell am I gonna find bread now???!!!!!! ..i think i might cry. :(

Do not surprised if my ghost self shows up in your living room one day, directing you to my sad premature online obituary where it details in gruesome (and pathetic) fashion how I ended up choking to death on -something- from laughing too hard while reading YOUR blog.

No seriously, I was just innocently enjoying my Sour Cream and Onion chips when I decided to visit today.

Near death experiences aren't nearly as much fun as they're made out to be. ):

My husband makes monster salads. He wipes out my entire pantry when he makes one. I try to race to the kitchen before he dishes out my serving cause he gives me enough for a construction worker and then he pours half a bottle of dressing on it.Last night I almost gagged from all of the blue cheese dressing. I had to pretend that I was full, not sick, so he wouldn't be offended.Salads and husbands are sneaky too.

This guy has a serious sandwich karma issue. I wonder what he did to sandwiches as a child to deserve this. And perhaps you could have prevented it by just posting this sooner. Yes, it's all your fault...

Are you pregnant? Because this post perfectly describes "the pregnant woman," or "the breast-feeding woman." Except, it's not just a sandwich that is craved, but a really obscure concoction of things you haven't eaten in a really long time. Loved this post!

I was eating a sandwich while reading this - which turned out to be a great idea!

I was too busy giggling to finish the other half of my sandwich (onion and cheese.... obviously it wasn't a well thought out sandwich) and so by the time I finished reading and laughing - I was hungry again!

...I never make a mutant sandwich. I usually go with simplicity over extravagance. This, of course, means I either choose the classic PB&J or the mouth-watering grilled cheese. I am content with either one.

Though... if I am hungry... I tend to make more than one sandwich. Then I can claim that #11 is true.

honestly the only way the mutant sandwich as pictured could be better was if it was jammed into a toastite and held over a flame sealing it until it becomes a greasy grilled ball of potential intestinal woe.

I'm so glad I found your blog through 20sb yesterday! It makes me laugh more than any other blog I read. Thank you! Being at work while reading it is kind of a kill joy because I have to stifle my laughs.

Love the site. And one day i will make a huge multi-layered sandwich like they have in cartoons like Tom and Jerry. Speaking of sandwiches, and I'm sure this may be old news for some, here's a story about a guy who DISLOCATED HIS JAW TRYING TO EAT A BIG SANDWICH:http://www.aolnews.com/weird-news/article/man-bites-off-more-than-he-can-chew-dislocates-jaw-on-huge-sandwich/19423893

This post seems to be quite the advocate for sandwiches taking over the world. Look at all the sandwich-crazed people you've made lust for another sandwich Allie! Now we're all doomed to be sandwich bitches yet again.

Now excuse me while I submit myself to Step 4...maybe even combining it with 5 because I'm envisioning the goodness that is ham.

Besides the fact that your blog is hilarious (which is a given, just sayin'), I relate so hard to every post. The stuff about thinking about Psycho while in the shower or your constant need to personify inanimate objects or basically anything else you say (love of pet rats, procrastination, staying up until 5am out of paranoia...) = my life.

So besides thanking you for making me laugh like nothing else can, i have to say thanks for making me feel less insane! (or, at least, less alone in my insanity)

It was just after Christmas one year and I asked her if she wanted a Sandwich.

She requested a turkey and salad cream filling.

All was going really well until I decided to go all creative on her and turned it into a super sandwich adding layer on layer of items that were hanging around the fridge. It became far more than a light late night snack as it took on a life of its own. About an hour later I presented it to her. She took one bite spat most of it out and yelled what the hell is this I wanted turkey and salad cream and promptly burst into tears.

I think I may have pushed her passed the "I need food now" stage that women seem to have.....Still the cats enjoyed it which meant I didn't have to clear up the mess....

I can only relate to number 11, but that's enough to make me love this post. Ok, that and the super funny pictures. Plus it's interesting to know how other people feel about sandwiches and how they transport themselves to the kitchen. BUT that's not why I'm writing. I wanted to post my comment under the extreme muscle builder but I was afraid you wouldn't read comments under an older post. Do you get to read them as they're posted or would you have to hunt for them like everybody else? I don't know how blogs work. ANYWAY !!!! It's five fifteen am and the first thing I do is read Bear Chips. That gets me in Laughter Readiness. Then I start on Animals and by the time I come to the Extreme muscle builder and the impaling abs I am laughing the nearly mute wheezy laugh because if I let it rip completely I'll wake up my roommates and I'm crying so hard I HAVE TO BLOW MY NOSE. I'm sooooooo glad you didn't become a doctor!

I am so glad I found your blog (and I don't even like sandwiches! but i sure love pie more than cake). My friend shared one of your posts on google reader and I haven't stopped laughing since. I laugh until I cry or until my stomach hurts so much that I can't take it anymore. My husband loves them too. He says you should make a book. Sell it on lulu.com or something.

I went for a run this evening. This isn't unusual - I run pretty regularly - however this time I experienced level 8 on your very accurate pain scale (disturbing amount of pain, might actually be dying, someone for the love of jebus save me). What did I have for lunch? A SANDWICH. The worst kind of sandwich in fact. Satan's sandwich. Subway. EVIL.

Yay for sandwiches! Except right before you run. I always attempt to eat just a little sandwich, for running energy, but then I end up eating too much sandwich, because I'm so good at making nummy sandwiches. Run + too much nummy sandwich = oy.

You're funny. I'm funny too, but you're just a smidge funnier. Unfortunate for me, but that means you're really, really funny. Good for you! I read your blog while I'm at work, but I try to look serious so that nobody knows I'm not actually working, which results in an awful grimmace/laugh face and strange noises which are actually supressed laughs, but I'm sure my coworkers think I'm a bit mental. Thanks for making me look like a weirdo! I'll read your blog forever. Seriously.

Bahaha, I love this. And your blog, period. I stumbled on your fishing entry and about died laughing, browsed a bit and died again with Spaghatta Nadle, then spent way too long reading your archives. All that to say, you're great, and I'm excited to have a new funny blog to follow :D

There is a third alternative ending that I think you overlooked, and that is the split the difference compromise that always ends in a revenge of the sandwich scenario. This is when you concede that the sandwich is too big to finish and decide to save the remainder in the fridge.

When you return to it, it will have congealed and mixed into a disgusting mess, but you will nonetheless take at least one bite and squinch your face in disgust before admitting defeat and throwing it away.

I just ate a sandwich from getting to step #1 to step #2 in about the time it took me to read the post. Step #5 did not apply, and I skipped steps #8a-9, straight to success, perhaps because I skipped step #5? But step #11 got me in the end, and now I want more sandwich. Alas, 'tis sunflower seeds for now.

Allie, just so you know, Sandwicherie is the highest of art. Your moustachioed sandwich illuminates much of what many sandwich makers have long feared, namely that sandwiches truly do have a life of their own and thus raise the question: is sandwich eating right? or is it wrong to destroy Man's most beautiful creations?Whichever decision your noble discovery forces humanity to decide upon, whether sandwich eating be ethical or not, I am sure we will see each other mowing noms of 'wich crumbs long past any moral quandary. Hunger has no regard for beauty, even that of the sandwich.

If I become demi-champion of the internet, and quasi-rich, I will send you money, okay?

(Don't hold your breath. Unless you can hold it for like a really really long time. I don't want to be responsible for any deaths of bloggers. Especially the funny ones. Then we'd be left with all the non-funny ones, and that would just be sad.)

Damn. Laughing so hard at this blog (especially sandwichy) that now my 'not sleeping' has become "NOT SLEEPING" and I shall have to get up and clean my bathroom and try to determine if I can read more of your blog at work tomorrow or if the company internet Hitler will ding you back to the web and tell my boss I was goofing off. Hey, you try staving off run-on sentences at 3am. -Tiff

I don't even eat sandwiches, and now I want one,.,.. YOU ARE A MONSTER.. the Devil Incarnate. My fridge contains maple syrup old tofu with a fuzzy green sauce and a dessicated chicken carcass. And I don't drive. I know curses, ..., just saying.

I just went back and read every single entry (whilst getting paid - my job is boring) and this entry, along with the things to do with a brick entry are possibly two of the funniest things I've ever read. Loves it!

"Conversely, if you overestimated the amount of free space inside of you, you will be faced with a harrowing battle of man against sandwich. And the sandwich always wins."

Total bullshit. Anyone who ends up in this situation where they've had "too much" sandwich and they're regretting it later is just a pansy.

My local deli has a sandwich lovingly titled the GBMF (think about it) which contains Corned Beef, Pastrami, Turkey, Roast Beef and Brisket with Cole Slaw, Russian Dressing, Swiss Cheese and Lettuce, Tomato & Onion; I can't find an image of it but for a comparison it's three of these, essentially: http://static1.px.yelpcdn.com/bphoto/5rKQl9s4K_SI8lyXQFZjXA/l