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The Eight Worst New Cosmo Sex Tips

Cosmopolitan is a magazine that women read when they want fashion advice, vagina advice, or tips on torturing men’s penises. It’s the worst thing ever written (including my articles! Gotcha, commenters and bosses!) because it gives women very bad ideas – ideas men have to endure. The magazine recently unveiled 67 new “blow-his-mind” moves and here are eight that we hope no man ever, ever has to experience.

“Sprinkle a little pepper under his nose right before he climaxes. Sneezing can feel similar to an orgasm and amplify the feel-good effects.”
If I see a woman bringing a pepper shaker to bed I’m going to have much bigger concerns. Also, I can’t wait to get my hot, sticky snot all over your face. Sounds romantic!

Women love my, “Bless me!” face.

“Treat him to a series of thrills — flash him, grind on his lap — but don’t finish him off. Go about your day as usual until finally indulging in toe-curling sex that night.”
You mean give me blue balls? You want to give me the most painful thing a man can feel short of actually cutting my balls of. Great, sign me up!

“Rub lotion along your inner thighs, and have him slide his penis in and out between them.”
WHY DO I WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR THIGHS WHEN THE VAGINA IS RIGHT THERE?

“Clip out this article, circle tips you know would push his buttons, and mail it to him anonymously.”
Do you realize how paranoid this would make most men feel? “Oh my God! Someone is mailing me sexual magazine clippings. Is this a hot woman? Ugly woman? Hot man? Ugly man? Wait, does it matter if the man is hot or ugly? No. Yes? Is someone going to do me then kill me? What is going on!?”

“Have him lie face-up on the bed with one side of his body pressed against the wall. Stand above him, lean your back against the same wall, lower yourself onto his penis, and then slide up and down, using your hands for leverage. The angle will stimulate his penis differently, and the view of you riding him sidesaddle will be seared into his memory.”
Take a hot dog and bend it in half. That is exactly what sounds like could happen with this move.

The upside is now you can try all sorts of crazy new positions that literally weren’t physically possible before!

“When he’s close to the finish line, prolong the pleasure by having him pull out his penis and rub it across your stomach until neither of you can stand it.”
Him – I’m about to go.
Her – Bang your penis on my stomach.
Him – What?
Her – Yeah, just start slapping my tummy with it.
Him – Uh…

“Ask what songs he listened to in junior high, and play them during a hookup. It will take him back to that time when he was in an almost permanent state of horniness, triggering his primal urges.”
Right, because R.E.M.’s “Losing My Religion” reminds me of all the raging boners I use to have and not the dead, empty cavern inside of me.