A fictional report of England cricketers trying to escape the ground during their humiliating loss to New Zealand in World Cup

“Guys, you can’t just leave like that. New recruits from Scotland don’t arrive till next Sunday!”

The security at Westpac stadium in Wellington was considerably beefed up on Friday after some English players attempted to run away during the lunch break in the just concluded World Cup fixture against New Zealand.

Luckily, the attempted escape was thwarted by some alert fans who firmly believed that they were not done with the Poms yet. This, however, came as a huge surprise considering the English players had shown a tremendous and uncanny knack of ‘getting out’ in various novel fashions earlier in the day.

Following the event, the English players were locked in a room and chained to the centre in a desperate bid to make them understand the importance of spending time in the middle.

Later, it was learnt that David Lloyd had also joined the gang in this process, and aptly so considering he stated on air, “Come on McCullum, get it done already” when the New Zealand skipper missed the only ball in his insane innings. However, Lloyd wanted written assurances from the commentary team that England would not be made fun of in the future. While most agreed, Sourav Ganguly took his shirt off, twirled it around and tossed it mid-air.

In other news, Geoffrey Boycott’s grandmother, having had enough of all the hogwash, has finally descended from heaven and proclaimed that she indeed can “bat, bowl, field, run, get drinks and even give new imaginative excuses for keeping Kevin Pietersen out better than that”.

Speaking of Boycott, the New Zealand fans are distraught and have decided to boycott all further matches if they are not provided a pro-rata refund if the Kiwis bowl first again.

“We will pay only for the number of overs played in the game. This cannot go on forever! Or even if we bat first that’s okay. But if you finish the match in 30 overs in one game and 12 in another, it is just too much. We demand to have our money back henceforth. Or some procedure to double the scores or something. Can we make it a two innings encounter?” a miffed fan said, certainly not mincing his words.

However, a certain section has agreed to boycott the boycott, if the Poms agree to allow Boycott to boycott the commentary box and view the match with them in the stands.

Speaking of lunch breaks, the Englishmen complained of the food being immensely salty this time around. A furious team manager called for the head of the chief of staff. However, he was made to “eat his words” after the chef told him point blank that he was merely “rubbing salt into their wounds..err..food”.

The dressing room tragedy worsened after the phones of a few players had to be confiscated, as Eoin Morgan was caught making a call to William Porterfield, asking him whether they would take him back in the Irish team. The next call was to N Srinivasan, where Morgan was overheard saying, “Fine, I’ll dance with Krish Srikkanth. NOW can I switch back to Ireland after the group stages?”

The other player who was barred for making phone calls was Steven Finn. Having leaked 49 runs in his 2 overs, he was quite impressed with the Scots, who were able to dismiss seven Kiwi batsmen – a dream he feels should shape the rest of his career. Despite the loss of his phone, the bowler looked adamant about making contact with the Scottish management before England’s next game against Scotland on 23rd February.

The Kiwis, meanwhile, have told captain McCullum that they won’t bowl if Southee doesn’t leave a few wickets for them. The batsmen in turn have made the same aptly clear to McCullum himself. As a result of this tension, the Kiwis have mutually decided that the duo will switch roles in their next game against Australia, making it an even fight.

Australia, in honour of the thrashing meted out to England, are rumoured to be thinking of ‘letting the Kiwis have the next one’. At the time of publication, however, new reports had emerged of a divide in the Aussie dressing room, with some players outraged at the Kiwis for violating their sole right to humiliate England.

DISCLAIMER: This article is purely a work of fiction. Anyone taking offence will be forced to read hundreds of blog posts on ‘freedom of speech’.