Monty Python Scripts

Stock Exchange Report

The cast:

The sketch:

(Animated sketch, leading us into a studio set; a man is
sitting in front of a non-animated (but cheap) graph labeled 'Stock
Market Report'.)

Voice Over: And now the Stock Market Report by Exchange
Telegraph.

Man: Trading was crisp at the start of the day with some
brisk business on the floor. Rubber hardened and string remained
confident. Little bits of tin consolidated although biscuits sank
after an early gain and stools remained anonymous. Armpits rallied
well after a poor start. Nipples rose dramatically during the
morning but had declined by mid-afternoon, while teeth clenched and
buttocks remained firm. Small' dark furry things increased severely
on the floor, whilst rude jellies wobbled up and down, and bounced
against rising thighs which had spread to all parts of the country
by mid-afternoon. After lunch naughty things dipped sharply forcing
giblets upwards with the nicky nacky noo. Ting tang tong rankled
dithely, little tipples pooped and poppy things went pong! Gibble
gabble gobble went the rickety rackety roo and ... (a bucketful
of water descends on him)