Please, I repeat, please, DO NOT use the $1, $20, $50 or the $100 bills as they have pictures of former slave owners on them! Send them all to me and I will dispose of in the proper manner!!! Do not just throw them away as they need to be disposed of properly and I am certified to do so. E-mail me for a discreet method of transfer.

Thank you for your patriotism.

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How Government Works

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert.

The government said, “Someone may steal from it at night.” So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.

Then the government said, “How does the watchman do his job without instruction?” So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies.

Then the government said, “How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?” So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports.

Then the government said, “How are these people going to get paid?” So they created the following positions, a time keeper, and a payroll officer, then hired two people.

Then the government said, “Who will be accountable for all of these people?” So they created an administrative section and hired three people, an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.

Then the government said, “We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost.” So they laid off the night watchman.
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Very Lost

An American and his wife were driving in Canada and got lost. Finally they came into some city. They saw a gentleman on the sidewalk, so the gentleman pulled up to the curb, and the lady let down her window and asked, “Excuse me, sir. Where are we?”

The gentleman on the street replied, “Saskatoon, Saskatchewan.”

The lady rolled up the window, turned to her husband and said, “We really are lost. They don’t even speak English here!”
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A knight and his men return to their castle after a long hard day of fighting.

“How are we faring?” asks the king.

“Sire,” replies the knight, “I have been robbing and pillaging on your behalf all day, burning the towns of your enemies in the west.”

“What?!” shrieks the king. “I don’t have any enemies to the west!”

“Oh,” says the knight. “Well, you do now.”
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Why did ISIS blow up a KFC?

Because they thought they were attacking an American Colonel.
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The orthopedic surgeon I work for was moving to a new office, and his staff was helping transport many of the items.

I sat the display skeleton in the front of my car, his bony arm across the back of my seat. I hadn’t considered the drive across town. At one traffic light, the stares of the people in the car beside me became obvious, and I looked across and explained, “I’m delivering him to my doctor’s office.”

The other driver leaned out of his window. “I hate to tell you, lady,” he said, “but I think it’s too late!”
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Clearing the Church
The 2000 member Baptist church was filled to overflowing capacity one Sunday morning. The preacher was ready to start the sermon when two men, dressed in long black coats and black hats entered thru the rear of the church.

One of the two men walked to the middle of the church while the other stayed at the back of the church. They both then reached under their coats and withdrew automatic weapons.

The one in the middle announced, “EVERYONE WILLING TO TAKE A BULLET FOR JESUS STAY IN YOUR SEAT!”

Naturally, the pews emptied, followed by the choir. The deacons ran out the door, followed by the choir director and the assistant pastor.

After a few moments, there were about 20 people left sitting in the church. The preacher was holding steady in the pulpit.

The men put their weapons away and said, gently, to the preacher, “All right, pastor, the hypocrites are gone now. You may begin the service.”
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A southern minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great expression he said, “If I had all the beer in the world, I’d take it and pour it into the river.”

With even greater emphasis he said, “And if I had all the wine in the world, I’d take it and pour it into the river.”

And then finally, he said, “And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I’d take it and pour it into the river.” Sermon complete, he then sat down.

The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, “For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365: ‘Shall We Gather at the River’.”

Yes, the ex-president has been called for jury duty in Cook County and confirms that he will attend.

A judge writes:

As a judge, I’m required to refrain from partisan politics, but I can’t deny that it would be pretty cool to have President Obama in my jury pool. “Is there anyone here with strong feelings about the justice system?” Obama raises hand. “Yes, Juror 44, can you please elaborate?” Eighteen hours later . . .

Other comments have been less restrained!

Given that ex-presidents get heavy protection for life I wonder if the S S will allow a not-yet-convicted criminal in the same bui;lding let alone room with him. Indeed I wonder if there will be room for anyone else in the courtroom after they get there

In a train from London to Manchester, a tourist was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment. “The trouble with you English is that you are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. You think your stiff upper lip makes you above the rest of us. Look at me ... I’m me! I have a little Italian in me, a bit of Greek blood, a little Irish and some Spanish blood. What do you say to that?” The Englishman lowered his newspaper, looks over his glasses and replied “How very sporting of your mother!”

Judy Wallman Trump, a professional genealogy researcher in southern California, was doing some personal work on her own family tree.

She discovered that President Donald Trump’s great, great uncle, Remus Trump, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889. Both Judy and President Trump share this common ancestor.

The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows in Montana territory. On the back of the picture Judy obtained during her research is this inscription: “Remus Trump, horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889.”

So Judy recently e-mailed the President for information about their great, great uncle, Remus.

Believe it or not, President Trump’s staff sent this response back.

Remus Trump was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory. His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to government service, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed.”

1. My wife and I divorced over religious differences. She thought she was God and I didn’t!
2. I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3. Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.
4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5. Don’t take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6. You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9. I’m not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
10. Out of my mind ... Back in five minutes.
11. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
12. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
13. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
14. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
15. Being “over the hill” is much better than being under it!
16. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
17. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
18. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
19. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
20. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
21. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
22. Ham and eggs ... A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
23. I smile because I don’t know what the hell is going on. J