The Feminist Mom and the Princess Party

Suddenly the air was sucked out of the room and I waited for the oxygen masks to deploy from the ceiling as the living room nose-dived.

“What?” I coughed out, wide-eyed to my 4-year-old daughter.

“A princess party!” she smiled, cheekily. “And I can dress up as a princess for Halloween!” She took off in a happy spin as I plummet to the soon-to-be-memorial ground below us.

Welcome to my surprising life as a stay-at-home mother of two daughters, who is grasping at the label “feminist” with all her might. I thought my role as the Coordinator for the SPARKteam, which stands for Sexualization Protest: Action, Resistance, and Knowledge, provided me with a shield that protects against anything that is sexualized, pink, princessy, and stereotypical for girls. I was wrong. Really, really wrong.

Let me introduce you to my 4-year-old. She’s the oldest and most graceful of my daughters, with beautiful long, curly locks that bounce down her back. She loves wearing her black tennis shoes, running through mud puddles, playing with cars (especially Lightning McQueen), soccer, swimming, watching baseball, and drawing. Oh, and she wants to be a princess when she grows up. (Yes, I am clawing at the oxygen masks and the under-the-seat life preservers as I gasp for air.)

Let me make this clear as I brace for impact: we do not own one princess movie. My daughters’ favorite movie is Cars and there are more matchbox cars, books, and musical instruments than any other toys in our home.

So where in the hell is this princess party request coming from? Get this: A book. One stinking old princess book in a huge box full of books on Craigslist that we bought for $10. It’s like giving Kool-Aid to a baby and expecting her not to like it. Seriously, one look at that dress, that damn carriage, and the dancing with the prince at the end and suddenly everything changed. Who can battle a singing mermaid, a fairy godmother, a prince, and a beautiful blue dress with glass slippers?

I never called myself a real feminist before my work with SPARK. I mean, I chose to be a stay-at-home mom and homemaker. I believed that real F-cards were handed out to career-or-nothing-types, until I discovered feminists who taught me about real feminism.

SPARKteam Blogger Stephanie Cole said it best in “The Loaded F-Word” when she redefines a feminist as someone who “keeps an open mind, and tries to always be aware of patriarchy and sexism wherever it occurs. She or he also tries to educate others who are unaware, as well as speak up and take action against inequality.”

And my friend Dr. Lyn Mikel Brown, co-creator of Hardy Girls Healthy Women, put me in my place when I questioned if I could be kicked out of the feminist club for allowing my house to become a pink castle. “Feminism gets a bad rap as being one very strict thing, when there are so many ways people are feminists,” Brown said. “My feminism is one that doesn’t turn people away from the honest struggle you are having.”

But, how can I be a feminist and a stay-at-home mother at the same time? Especially when I have failed in the princess debacle?! The answer is simple for me. I follow my gut. I was once on a path to save the world as a high school teacher. Yet, everything changed once I met my daughter. Everything. I left my career as a teacher and moved across the country with my husband to become a stay-at-home mom and homemaker. (Full disclosure, I suck at the homemaking part, but I’m a damn good mom.) Two years later, I had daughter #2 – an identical piece of sass with curls.

It was a gutsy move and the best decision my husband and I ever made. I honor the fact that we’ve scraped by on a one-salary income so I can host play dates, kiss boo-boos, find blankeys, and read stories at naptimes. The monotony of my days is often monstrous and hard. Though it’s not for everyone, I know it’s something I will always treasure.

I have activism in my blood. When I look deep enough, my feminism and my loathing of inequality has always been there. Am I political? Yes. Opinionated? Yes. Strong-willed? Yes. (My husband would say “Hell YES.”) I feel feminism is inherently found in the voice of a mother raising her children, too. I am fighting so hard for my girls to be strong, focused, secure, loving, and determined young women. I abhor a media that labels my girls “tom boys” because they love a good play in the mud or cars.

Real feminism is about choice, right? The choice for me to instill in my girls and others how powerful their lives can be, even if they choose to be stay-at-home moms who let their daughters dress as princesses.

“Why do you want a princess party?” I later asked, when I felt the crash landing had aborted.

“Because I want to be a princess,” she answered.

I shrugged, “But what do they doooo that you like?” I asked, drawing out the verb and trying to crack the code. My daughter shrugged, “They’re princesses, Mommy! They wear those dresses and are pretty. Do you like princesses, Mommy?” I think she already knew the answer… “I think they’re kind of boring. They don’t run and play sports, have fun or draw like you do.”

“Then I can be your princess, Mommy,” she said with the biggest smile in the whole wide world. “I can be all of it.”

Yes, she can.

I learned four lessons that day: First, I have no idea what I am doing. Second, I am doing a pretty damn good job at it. Third, I just may be hosting a “You-Can-Be-It-All” Princess/Cars party in my future.

And lastly, my daughter is one awesome princess.

And yes, I am a feminist.

Dana Hernandez is SPARKteam Coordinator and a current Emerge America student. She worked as a reporter for the Los Angeles Times and taught high school for at-risk boys in East Los Angeles before moving to Maine. She is now a candidate for the Maine Senate for 2012 and stay-at-home mom to her 2 and 4-year-old daughters. She is a mother, writer, activist, campaign manager, community organizer, and soon-to-be politician.

Social Links

Continue the conversation. Please use the links below to share this post with others.

12 Responses

This takes me back to raising our daughters two in the 70s. There I was, all about empowering the girls, changing boys into girls when I read books, changing the ending to fairy tales about princes rescuing princesses, making sure they learned about tools and gears and such from their dad … but still giving them castoff formals and veils to play dress-up along with cowboy hats and Indian vests (no guns) … Feminism is about being able to make choices based on your interests and experiences, not about gender. I know this you will raise independent girls (who sometimes do want to be a princess … with an attitude). You rock!

Top 5 list of princesses that do it all:
5. She-Ra Princess of Power
4. Xena Warrior Princess
3. Princess Leia
2. Princess Bubblegum (go science!) from Adventure Time (hey, I have a 10yo boy)
1. Princess Chulabhorn Walailak of Thailand (She’s real person. And has a PhD, and is a neurologist)

I don’t know why cars would be better than princesses. It’s just another disney money making movie. I think we need to be careful about not being “opposition” feminist (i.e. anything traditionally girlie bad, anything not traditionally girlie good).

We can’t fight the world, but we can highlight (mostly by example) what is important. it doesn’t matter if she is a princess, as long as she is kind, ethical and true to herself. as long as she reads, studies and keeps doing sport. I call my 6 year old the monkey princess because she was a tomboy until she became a princess. now she climbs and jumps just as much, just dressed up in dresses and if possible make up (which I never wear myself)

My daughter was (thankfully) uninterested in princesses for the most part at that age but is now obsessed with ponies, both real and ‘My Li’l” who are insidiously vacuous like their princess counterparts. However, I think letting her have a choice about a birthday party is not failing in your feminism – it’s about not letting your dogma override her imagination. She sounds like a girl who knows her own mind. BTW When my girl ever did talk about princesses, I agreed with her on the fashion side of things (who doesn’t like a new dress?) but pointed out that they are always getting bossed around. THAT was the killer for her

This is why the feminism movement is still being scorned and laughed at in some parts of the country. I consider myself a male feminist, because I feel that women (and men) should be allowed to make their own choices in life.

I have had female coworkers in male-dominated jobs. I have stood up for them when customers preferred me over my coworker, simply because of her gender. I am a firm believer that either gender can perform just about any role in society. I was glad when my high school started allowing male cheerleaders onto the team. They weren’t called that yet, but just the fact that they were there spoke volumes.

So why are girls NOT ALLOWED to be princesses? Dana, why is your daughter’s request to be a princess a bad thing? Why have you not allowed any princess movies in your house? You have controlled your household to the point that you can pinpoint the princess reference to a single book, and that book came in by accident! Why have you been denying your daughter the ability to make a fulling informed decision?

Some women want to be princesses. Some women would rather be the dainty thing that gets rescued by the handsome, masculine prince. Is that really so bad? Some women want to be the princess that kicks butt and takes names. Some women don’t want to be a princess, they want to be the mechanic that fixes cars. Fine.

But don’t take away that choice. Don’t take away that knowledge. If your daughter wants to be a princess, she will be a princess. If she wants to play in the mud and climb trees all day, she will. By not allowing anything that references princesses in your house, you have removed her ability to make an informed choice.

Isn’t that what feminism is about? An informed choice, with no restrictions?

Love this! Before we had kids, my husband used to predict we’d have a daughter who would hide her Cosmo and Seventeen magazines under the bed while I bombarded her with copies of Ms.

Now we have three boys! My husband is a stay-at-home dad, and they are not typical boys–they have plenty of testosterone, but they love music, theater, and books as well as running around getting dirty.

I would have been the same way as you if I had a daughter who wanted to be a princess. I lucked out and had boys! Perhaps you need to get her a copy of “The Paper Bag Princess” by Robert Munsch, so she has a different idea of a princess.

Actually if you bothered to watch the latest incarnation of My Little Pony, Friendship is Magic, you would find it isn’t as “insidiously vacuous” as you think. There is a reason that the show has a huge male audience. The show is well written and the characters all have well developed personalities. The shows creator is also a feminist and it passes the Bechdel Test.

Loved the article and the ensuing comments. It came at a time when my very soon to be 5 year old announced she wanted a princess party and I’m glad I’d read the article first as it allowed me a more measured response, especially when I could see in her face and hear in her voice that she was anticipating a ‘reaction’ from me…..

We haven’t ‘banned’ princesses – we successfully avoided them until around the 2 year age mark when I went back to work and she suddenly discovered them at the childminders. I loved princesses when I was a child, an although I’m aware that they probably played a negative part in my self image, esteem and expectations, growing up, I still became a feminist, and challenger to the satus quo.

Anyway, we have negotiated and the party theme is now ‘Cool princess hero’ party. her dad and she have worked together on a flyer which incorporates images of Rapunzel (Tangled) doing some cool lassoing with her hair; Toph – the blind earth bender from Avatar: the last Air Bender; Merida from Brave (Pixar) – not out yet but we’re so looking forward to it in our house; Fiona and friends from Shrek 3, Tigress from Kung Fu Panda, Coraline and Ponyo (Studio Ghibli).

Not all strictly princesses but allowed us to explore some of the issues surrounding the Disney princess stereotypes – now we are all happy x

About Us

Hardy Girls Healthy Women (HGHW) is a research-based non-profit working alongside girls to create a world where all girls and women experience equality, independence, and safety in their everyday lives.