STRAIGHT-talking Jane O'Gorman gets to the heart of your sex and relationship problems

Our agony aunt gets to the heart of your sex and relationship problems[GETTY]

My mother was there in the 60s and she remembers it all too clearly. How do I stop her preaching the gospel of sex, drugs and rock’n’roll to my children?

Q: As my mother never tires of telling us, she lived on the Kings Road during the Swinging 60s. My husband and I just ignore her stories of sex and drugs with her famous friends but our two teenagers lap them up, which makes it very hard for us to raise them with good values.

Every time she visits, my mother thinks it’s funny to talk about the booze she drank and the cannabis she smoked. The other day I overheard her explaining to my daughter, who’s 13, all about the different types of recreational drugs – and not in a cautionary way either. My son, 14, is really into his music and loves to hear all about the pop stars (most of them long dead) she hung out with. He thinks it’s funny that they smashed up hotel rooms and took part in group sex, but I don’t like it.

The fact is that she didn’t even raise me herself. I never knew my father and was handed straight to my grandmother the day after I was born. My granny was loving but firm and my life in the suburbs was light years away from the life my mother was leading.

So to have her here, bragging about her past in an effort to impress my children, is almost too much to bear. My husband can’t stand the sight of her either, which doesn’t make my life any easier.

Recently I had a big row with my daughter over make-up and was extremely hurt when she said, “Why can’t you be more fun like Grandma?” How am I supposed to compete?

Some might say it’s a grandmother’s prerogative to be impish with her grandchildren; to offer an alternative to parental strictness. That may be true up to a point, but your mother is going way too far.

Jane O'Gorman

A: As a youngster, your mother only ever pleased herself. Now, as an older woman, she somehow feels she has earned the right to say anything she pleases. I don’t understand how that works, and neither do you.

It sounds as though your mother gets a kick out of making mischief, but for once in her life she needs to look at things from someone else’s point of view.

Bringing up children to be safe and responsible isn’t “fun” – it’s very hard work. And your mother may be stuck in the 60s, but the rest of the world has moved on. Sex and drugs are both far more risky than they used to be.

Today’s cannabis, for example, is far stronger than what was around 40 years ago, to say nothing of the dangers of HIV and other sexually transmitted diseases.

Some might say it’s a grandmother’s prerogative to be impish with her grandchildren; to offer an alternative to parental strictness. That may be true up to a point, but your mother is going way too far.

If she can’t be trusted to behave, you must tighten the rules, perhaps not allowing her to be with your children unless you’re in the room too. Invite her out for a coffee, just the two of you, and come clean.

Explain that you haven’t had a sense of humour failure, but simply can’t have her corrupting your children. Yes, her stories are very funny and colourful, but they’re not always suitable. She may have had the time of her life, but others weren’t so lucky and there’s nothing glamorous about drug taking or casual sex.

If she can’t work out what is appropriate – and I’m sure she can – then you and she are in danger of falling out. Ultimately, it’s your home, your family and your call – and you must do whatever is right for your marriage and children.

Sex matters

Q: Sex with my man friend is passionate but he’s always emotionally detached. He never says that he loves me and I have no idea what he thinks about me as a person. I make all the plans and he just seems to tag along. Sometimes he’s so distant that he’s silent for hours and appears to be in a world of his own. He only really comes to life in bed. How do I inject some communication and warmth into this relationship?

A: Have you actually told this man how you feel or are you reluctant to raise the subject for fear of appearing needy? The reality is that you and he are sleeping together; you’re regularly intimate so you’re entitled to find out what he thinks and where you stand.

If an adult conversation frightens him away, he’s not the man for you. It puzzles me that you call him your “man friend”. Why not partner or lover? If you’re finding this relationship cold and incomplete, you have to find the courage to walk away and find someone new.