Update: So I no longer work at okcupid. No hard feelings, was just
time to go. So, since it's impossible to change usernames, and
since I, like everyone who's ever asked to change a username, have
no desire to re-answer 600+ questions, my username is now, and will
always be, a lie.

Update: I was wrong. My username is now entirely accurate.

Yes, I can still regale you with the weird tales of human nature to
which OkCupid employees are privy, but they will fall increasingly
out of date after March 19th, 2010.

I once went on a date with this girl. I was unemployed, broke,
killing time, freshly dropped in brooklyn with neither hope nor
prayer, and this unimpressed and surprisingly short girl invites me
to see a band after I send her an email on myspace, despite her
strict warning not to message her on myspace. Anyway, without
expectations, I head down and it turns out we're an hour early for
the music. So it's a summer evening, and we go to drink whiskey and
smoke cigarettes and chat each other up for a while.

Four hours later we've missed the band and haven't left the bar. I
can say, without a doubt, this was the best date I'd ever had, and
this girl was basically girl-me. Sadly, despite my affable cool
during the date, I immediately blew it, probably because I'd just
gotten out of a two year relationship and was, as mentioned above,
unemployed, and had nothing much to do besides pine after a random
stranger. So she smelled the puppy-esque desperation and headed
south for the winter.

But on that date, she played me Strange Religion by Mark Lanegan.
Even now, after all the associations with that first and only date
faded away, this song takes me a little bit out of the day, and
puts me in a sentimental fantasy of delicate romance in a vicious
world.

I would say don't message me if you have a complaint about the
site, but you will. I know you will. So go for it. Also message me
if you meet all of the following requirements:

You...

+ are perfectly self-confident
+ are effortlessly humble
+ are different from other people in this particular respect: you
don't go around pointing out how different and unique you are every
20 minutes.
+ work out
+ have a PhD
+ play violin
+ and trumpet
+ model for victoria's secret
+ are at least 5 years older than I am
+ look at least 5 years younger
+ have cooked at a five star restaurant
+ have mastered kung-fu
+ are willing to watch kung-fu
+ fight crime on weekdays
+ in tight leather outfits (like Catwoman tight)
+ are rich
+ want me to lie around your house or apartment all day in a towel