I’m writing here to confess and also for a channel to voice out, as I have no one to talk to.

I’m confused, lost, and helpless. I’m not here to be judged. To begin with, I know I’m wrong. I need to hear opinions from someone neutral.

I’ve been married for two years to a boyfriend of 6 years. I’m independent and not one of those sticky types of girls. Due to the nature of his job, he is often away and so my character kind of suits him. I have friends describing us as “independent individuals who stay together.”

I have had many guy friends throughout, but they were strictly just friends. We went out 1-on-1 etc. With some closer ones, we may have had physical contact (brotherly kind) — nothing that crosses the line.

Nothing is wrong or different from my husband and me if you were to ask me. We behave the same way day in day out. And then, I met this guy “A” at work.

“A” and I were connected in several ways, and we naturally become close friends and hang around with a group. I knew he was special to me because I told him family secrets, which I kept very deep inside of me way before anything happened between us. It was after a short while that he started having some trouble in his marriage.

His wife wanted a divorce, and he confided in me. We slowly get closer to each other and shared support in many tough paths of our lives. He is charming in his way, and we have many silly, funny moments together.

At this point, he felt like a soulmate, and I wished to have this soulmate around me like this. But things escalated, got out of control. He went overseas frequently, and each of his overseas trips made us grow stronger together as we missed each other more during the absence.

And then he kissed me. I could have stopped there and cut everything, making sure things are on the right path. But I’m not God; I too have feelings. There was a part of me that is greedy, and honestly, I do like him. He sometimes asked me if I will divorce one day and be with him eventually. I didn’t know, and I didn’t have an answer.

Somehow, we had sex. It was a one-time incident. After the deed, I immediately felt a difference in how he behaved towards me, but I wasn’t sure. I then confirmed the differences the next day. I could no longer “feel him,” he felt distant. I’m very hurt, guilty, confused, lost, and helpless. I cried very hard the whole night. I am someone who doesn’t tear easily, so crying that hard is bad.

I don’t know if I’m too good or is my husband “too good.” I was crying beside him (my husband) the whole night, with the lights on, but he didn’t realize at all.

I have no one to talk to, except “A.” I wrote him a long, long, long text while crying that night, telling him how hurt I was. He replied with a few sentences saying he is confused and needs time. I acted cool and said I’m OK and he will be too. He didn’t disappear as he promised.

He sent 1-2 texts each day with simple words that are tough to turn into conversations. He could talk to me if he wants, I’m there. But I can’t talk to him when he’s the only one I could share this with. He chooses to walk away temporarily. The fact is, I’m not OK. I cried for days, often waking up uncontrollably tearing. I’m forced to handle this emotional roller coaster all by myself, and it’s terrible.

Meanwhile, being the usual jovial self in front of everyone else. I hope he could talk more. I hope there’s a proper closure to stuff rather than just walking away. I’m perfectly fine to put things behind us etc. But I wish for a talk about having a conclusion. This uncertainty and insecurity is killing me.

I’m not sure if I will tell my husband eventually about the wrong moment and what I did with this guy. I had true feelings, but right at this moment, I choose not to.

Sex might have made it all too real and now he is in a full-fledged affair.

You don’t say if he has kids or not, but I suspect he does.

I don’t think he could resist you and was just as caught up in the fire as you.

In any event, he owes you an explanation and should tell you what he is feeling, what his source of confusion is because it is hurting you and preventing you from moving on. Tell him you won’t debate him on his reasons, but you have a right to know.

Reaxys, the harsh reality may be that he got what he wanted (sex) and is no longer interested.

He is not the man you think he is. He seduced you with kind words and is no longer interested.

You are crying over a love affair that never was. The ‘real’ person was exposed as soon as you were intimate. Why else would he behave like this? He knew all the consequences up until the moment he had sex with you.

I may be completely wrong and there may be another reason but it doesn’t look good.

Maybe you are not as independent as you think, and maybe you should try working on voicing that to your husband.

Nothing will change unless you make it change. You sound lonely and I get that. But tell the guy you married how lonely you are. Maybe he is lonely also and this is a wakeup call to be less independent and oblivious to one another.

“He sometimes asked me if I will divorce one day and be with him eventually. I didn’t know, and I really didn’t have an answer.”

My guess is that he doesn’t want his heart to get broken so he’s playing it safe until you decide what/who you really want. I’m not saying that if you decide to leave your marriage that this guy will be there for you and/or that he’s the better pick of the two. What I am saying is what you already know: you were not in a position to be getting involved with someone new when you were already committed to someone else.

But why would you even consider divorce if this is nothing more than a fling?

Demitra if he is running now what would he be like during a marriage? Let’s face it, would he even get married? How may men promise to leave their wives and then don’t? Look at what has happened so far, the instant the heat is turned up he’s gone!

Reaxys you are after romance and are in love with love not him. Every marriage goes through ups and downs. Try and make things more exciting with your husband. This whole affair is a mistake.

You say after being intimate with man ‘A’ he became distant. Did he really? Maybe it was your expectations of wanting more depth than he could offer that was the problem. I say this because you seem to have become very obsessed by him, writing him texts and letting him know how hurt you were.

To him you were/are someone married…..when he asked if you would leave your partner you couldn’t say yes, so that didn’t show him you and your husband have issues. You haven’t played it cool because you wrote him so many texts while crying. If you haven’t deleted the texts you sent him have a real good analytical study of your words and learn about yourself from them.

I also think you should write to your husband explaining why this happened and how you feel, but don’t give it to him, do it for yourself. I think you need to understand yourself more and don’t worry about how man ‘A’ feels, because you only want to know how he feels for your own benefit. So it is better you get to know how you feel because to me it seems you could do with some inner strength.

We came into the world alone and we will leave alone. We have to know our aloneness so we never feel lonely, because loneliness can make you depend on another for something that you yourself already have.

To me your predicament is a good learning curve.

Osho Zen wisdom cards, Amazon sell them. They are very beautiful and informative and helpful in giving insightful notions when you hit a road block.

I felt so much better after finding a channel to talk to. Thanks all for the suggestions, comments and hope.

I agree totally that “sex might made it all too real” … for me, and for him.

I have calmed down, no longer tearing, and reflecting on the whole situation with a more logical mind now.

Georgie you are very right, I can’t agree more with what you said. I was too comfortable with “A”, and perhaps obsessed unknowingly. I am guilty of my mistake and yet unable to move out of this comfort zone without him. I am not sure of how I exactly feel, and I need that inner strength to make me more complete. I have yet found an answer for myself but I guess I will know what to do next soon.

I still couldn’t bring myself to tell my husband the truth. But I tried to approach him in another way, like asking for more couple time spent together.

Meanwhile, “A” and I have small conversations but haven’t talked about anything regarding that incident yet.

I am not sure if you are asking me about my relationship. My husband had multiple “affairs” with multiple women over a two to three year period.

I am out of the country for the Christmas holidays because I don’t want to mark the first year anniversary at home and feel sad. I needed the diversion.

That being said, I wish to God my husband had had the balls to tell me that he was unhappy in our marriage. I still hope we won’t divorce but the collateral damage has been like a tsunami. Each has inhaled it in a different, yet profound way.

No one has been sympathetic to me (which I only bring up because they are looking for a reason). It literally only lends to the sense of betrayal when no one looks at you and says, “You ok?” We are five days into a happier place. I know it is one day at a time but my guard is up. I wonder when it won’t be up. I wonder if I will ever trust anyone again.

I would like to jump into this topic if I may. I am a male in my 30’s in a similar situation, troubled by my act.

Been married for 8 years, together for 15. She was my first. I was out of town with friends, drank way too much and messed up. I hardly remember, but it did happen, all 5 minutes of it if even. I am so hurt because this is not something I would have done had I been completely sober.

My marriage is good, we are happy, we have kids and things are not bad. Our sex life is subpar and I have even discussed my dissatisfaction with her as well as discussed our emotional differences several times. Her response is that “this is me, if you don’t like it then you can leave”. I respect that, but because she was my first I have always struggled with the lack of sex and emotional connection or am I expecting too much?

She is not affectionate at all, never holds hands, hugs are bland, even sex feels like an item to be checked off her list. I knew despite of all this I would never cheat on her or leave her, especially since together with kids involved we make such a great team. But damn I am not a heavy drinker but did some heavy drinking that night.

Regardless, I messed up, I got tested to be safe (twice now), don’t know the girl or where she’s from. She doesn’t know me or where I am from so I have no worry there. We will never ever be able to talk to or contact one another and I am thankful for that, but I am so guilty and it is hard to overcome. Drinking is no excuse, but definitely the influence needed to make what happened happen.

I guess in short, I am hoping there is someone alike that I can talk to. I am trying my best to keep this to myself, but the urge to tell her keeps coming on. If I tell her I risk the chance of breaking up our family, our kids do not deserve that, life is good for them. If I tell her I risk her never believing that I was drunk enough for it to happen, but I know how I feel and I know this was a one time, drunk mistake. If I tell her then am I just trying to help my guilt by putting it on her?

This stuff is rough and so hard. I was a stand up husband and father before this happened and came out of it feeling even better about embracing my family, but still struggling to clear my mind.

I know I am not the only good person who made a onetime devastating mistake. This doesn’t make me a bad person, but I feel horrible.

“Somehow we had sex”. Seriously? That’s the best you can come up with. Somehow? We were walking along, we both tripped and ended up having sex. Somehow I think you’re not meant to be married.

If you were a guy telling the story as you did. Then you would have been drawn and quartered by all the posters on here.

I for one find your actions disgusting. Did you not say you were married? Your vows mean nothing. You are shallow and have zero integrity. If you’re looking for everyone to say poor you. I am not one of them.

If you were not happy in your marriage you could have talked with your husband, scheduled marriage counselling, and if all else fails divorce, before having sex with another man.

Tell your husband that you has sex with your coworker then let the chips fall where they may. Your husband did not deserve this.

I just had sex with a man who has pursued me for months. My marriage is dead and has been for years, no sex, no talk, no holidays, really dead.

I was vulnerable to the attention, not an excuse but the reason. When you have no one paying you any attention for decades you are susceptible.

But after we had sex I feel he has cooled down and I feel devastated because he had taken the place of the attention giver in my life. I am struggling to cope with him pulling away.

He is also married but they have a sort of open marriage. I will now pay the price emotionally for allowing this to happen but I feel no guilt where my husband is concerned. If he doesn’t want me he should not be shocked if another person does. Even though it was short lived.

It was February of this year when I met her; this beautiful, passionate, intelligent and hilarious…married woman. It was something at first sight. I ran a meeting at work, and we talked after. There was an instant emotional connection, and things progressed. She would come into my office as I would go into hers. We would chat about all things work related until the day we didn’t.

The tension, the passion, depth, and realness were unparalleled, and this star-crossed lover was madly in love. We started to take lunches together. We kissed dozens of times but so briefly as we had lives that demanded so much of us.

We eventually had sex by the ocean one night while at a work party and then things were suddenly never the same. She and I were apart on separate assignments for two months following that evening, and we barely talked. We saw each other that next day, hugged and shared some meaningless conversation. Aside from a text, I sent here or there and an ambiguous response from her, we didn’t speak for those two months.

We are working together again, and it’s so very different. She’s distant and so short with her words. I wonder if she has worked things out with her husband or if guilt took over as it did for me in those two months. I wonder if it was all self-serving for her and she never had any intentions of leaving her husband. I’m still in love with her, and it’s so difficult to work in the building with her now. I’m actively looking for a new job which was my goal anyway. I suppose I was jaded and fooled, but I believed in some screwed up fairytale that we might end up together. What happened?

SC, I would assume that she is feeling guilty and is pushing you away. You could ask her, but actions speak louder than words most of the time. It is very hard when you connect with someone on that level.

However, maybe now you are seeing the REAL woman she is. Someone who isn’t communicating or taking your emotions into account. Yes she is married which plays a huge role in this and that is part of the gamble when doing this. I think moving on to a different job is the best thing you can do. The more you see her, the longer you will hurt.

One year from now you will still have these feelings unless you get away completely and begin healing your heart.

It could be guilt. Of course, there is some part of it that’s from guilt. This was the risk I knew I was taking, but I took it anyway. But you’re right; I think this is her revealing her true self which is very selfish. It’s all very troubling.

Part of me wants to tell her husband because I’m angry with her and feel horrible that he is oblivious. But I know that isn’t any of my business. Perhaps he isn’t, but I can assume she’s been less than honest with him. Also, maybe I should be grateful that I am me, not her and especially not that poor man. I wouldn’t have ever started that relationship with her if I knew it would become nothing. It’s hard to keep feelings in check when I see her

SC, who knows why she’s acting the way she is. This is what’s troubling you, not knowing. How can something that felt so right, so perfect, so amazing, fall like a house of cards so far and so fast?

Your head is spinning, and your heart is aching. It makes the relationship you had with her, the one thing you thought was right, a lie. She ripped your heart out and stomped all over it, and you don’t know why.Ask her. You need to know and have a right to know. Ask her for a few minutes of her time to talk about what happened. Promise her you won’t debate it or try to reconcile, but you need a few moments of her time so you can move on.

It isn’t losing her that’s the issue, it’s more like mourning the relationship you had, that connection and chemistry you had is now gone. The good news is you can have that with someone else again. Granted, it’s hard to find, but somewhere out there, are other women who can connect with you on that level.

It could be guilt-related, but it can be other things too, maybe even another man. You will make yourself crazy without knowing what happened, so just ask her for a few minutes. As far as telling her husband, I’d think long and hard about that and assess the real reason you would want to tell him. The potential to bring shame and embarrassment and a world of pain on him at your doing is a choice you’ll have to live with. He might even know or has a suspicion, but bringing him into it is not something to do without careful thought and consideration. I wish you luck, and you’re in a lousy place right now. Hopefully, you can get her to talk.

You know, it wasn’t and isn’t that I feel devastated simply because of what we had. It has to do with that notion I had of what we would become. I felt as if I finally found the one. She got me. I got her. We could talk for hours, she rarely if ever had hours to talk. But she made me feel so alive. I thought this was finally my break in love. What I had been holding out for.

We had sex one night. The first and last time. The only time. Then she was gone. She didn’t text anymore or call. We had separate assignments that next wk so didn’t see each other at work for over two months. We are working in the same building, and the texts and calls have started again. We are reconnecting, and it’s screwed up. But I can’t help it. At least I’ve chosen not to. I respond when she texts and answers her calls as she does for me.

She’s still married though. It feels like I’m going through the pains of heartbreak while beginning to fall in love with her again. Ughhh.

I had what you had, almost verbatim. It took nearly three years to talk. We worked together, but it was a big enough place where I didn’t have to see her every day. However, we would bump into each other on the same elevator or in meetings or passing. It was agony for me and nearly hyperventilated each time.

We finally did talk; I reached out to her a few years later after a local incident that affected many just to tell her that I hoped she and her family were all ok and that I didn’t hate her. We didn’t talk about what happened or why I knew what happened and it killed me.

I put so much stock in the relationship she and I had. Then I realized that is what I was mourning, even nearly three years later. It was the relationship that I believed in and felt so whole in that was missing. Of course, she was the reason for it, but it made it less about her and more about the relationship, and thankfully we thought back to another similar relationship I had with someone else when I was in my 20s.

It made me realize there could be more than one great love and there was still hope for me to have that again because when a relationship clicks, there is nothing like it. Granted, that kind of relationship is hard to find but it can and will happen if I’m open to it and not stuck on her.

Anyway, it helped me, and I thought I’d pass it on. I know that pain and the torture that the organ between our ears can bring when we spend much time there on the what happened if thoughts, or if only thoughts, and the reminiscing. It hurts. Heartache is a real thing when you’re going through it.

First of all, there is no excuse for cheating. There is always an option or steps to take before it happens or you put your self in a situation you shouldn’t have been in. You need to tell your spouse and seek to counsel, either individually for your feelings or together.

I am still recovering from my wife’s cheat from two weeks ago. Again, I had no warning signs. She was just in a situation she shouldn’t have been in and didn’t remove herself from it. She let it proceed until It happened. We are seeking to counsel now after two tough weeks. I left twice, and she called me back, and she left once and was back the next day.I will never forget the images of her and that man; it is seared into my brain. Hoping counseling helps. Relying on God to help.

I was kissed at work by a guy that knows I am married. We were both flirting, and one night before leaving he kissed me. I can’t lie I enjoyed it and it made me feel good.

I felt guilty and told my hubby and he was really cool about it. I thought hmmm. Then he told me people accused him of sleeping with a lady he talks to often. He decided to confess when I confessed.

He has cheated on me in the past in a physical way and an emotional way, but I stayed and forgave. I told the guy at work we couldn’t see each other. But after my husband confessed I thought maybe I’d reconsider and he asked me what I wanted, meaning “How are we going to go about this?” I told him I didn’t know, I am not leaving my husband but I am very open to seeing him, and since then I think he might be avoiding me.

I feel like I can’t handle that and I want the attention he was giving me at first, but we can’t kiss at work. I have had panic attacks thinking about him, and I don’t know why. I am in my 40s he’s in his early 30s maybe he just wants a woman, perhaps I just want a man.

I love my hubby but I don’t feel like I can be stepped on again, but we said we’d not divorce no matter what. I don’t want judgement I just need and eat to get it off my chest.

I did not read this whole thread. Once I see someone talking about “soulmates’, particularly a married person that is cheating, I know I am dealing with someone that is incredibly immature.

Is it that hard to understand that if you are married, it is cruel and unfair for you to seek out a ” soulmate.” Did it ever enter your mind ( probably not as cheaters lack perspective and empathy) that your husband may feel that you have deficiencies, as well, that he may be forgo9ing opportunities to find a ” soulmate” outside of your marriage in reliance on the vows you two made to one another?

What about the issue of exposing your husband to STD’s? Assuming you and your husband have a physical relationship, and he does not know about your having had sex with an outsider, you have exposed your husband to the OM’s entire sexual history. Are you so insensitive such that risking your husband’s life is of no concern to you?

“Somehow we had sex” Really? You obviously aren’t happy in your marriage so why not just tell your husband you want out and get divorced?

Instead, you have sex with this guy totally disrespecting your husband and only thinking of yourself. Why create all this drama. Just be an adult and do the right thing.

If you’re not in love with your husband that’s OK, what’s not OK is staying with him and not telling him what happened. He needs to have all the information so he can make his choice as you have already made yours.

Wow, my honest opinion is that you shouldn’t be married. You don’t seem to be bothered at all by the fact that you cheated on your husband.

Instead what you appear to be upset about is how you think your relationship with the person you cheated with has changed, or how he seems to be treating you has changed.

No remorse or emotional response with regards to your infidelity and how your husband would feel.

You sound like you have become emotionally attached to this other person.

The fair thing would be to tell your husband and to let him go so that he at least has an opportunity to find someone who actually wants to be with him, but I suspect that you won’t do that because if your relationship with your co-worker fails then at least you have the standby (husband) available.

Reaxys, I was looking for someplace where I can also discuss the pain I am feeling and maybe hear some opinions on whys and hows. First of all, I see your post is from 2016, so, so much time has passed. How are you doing? Are things better in your life or marriage?

I hope so. While I was reading your post, I felt like you were telling my story. But before I start, I want to address those who are so ready to judge and condemn. Just shut up. You have no idea how it is to feel all alone, unwanted, unattractive even if you have a husband who is supposed to love you and be there for you, as I am typing these words I am unable to stop the tears coming down.

Anyway, I have been married for 26 years, and for the last 19 years, my husband has not touched me or hugged me or kissed me. Yes, I should have left, yes, I should have had the courage to walk away and try to find some happiness, but we all have our issues. My own family lives so far away, and I have no one but my husband here.

So yes, I have been scared of being alone, so I stayed in an unhappy marriage. I keep looking around, and all I see are single people struggling to make ends meet, take care of their children, On their own. So I very seldom see a single happy person, so I figured if I stay with my husband I at least had somebody. I know maybe it sounds pitiful, but that is the truth, so I stayed and still staying. In the meantime, I had this friend at work.

Someone I have known for years. Someone in really like, but have never looked at anything other than a friend. All of a sudden, one day, I looked up, and I saw something in his eyes, and something woke up inside of me. Looks turned to smiles, smiles turned to flirtation, and we started texting. He told me he had a thing for me for years, but I never showed any interest.

I told him I had never thought about him that way, but now I did, and I could not explain. We both said we weren’t looking for anything other than what this was; he told me he was in the same situation, he had no intimacy with his wife, but he said if he were to leave her, he thought she might kill herself.

We both said no matter what happens; we didn’t want anything to happen to our friendship.. then, we were together twice. It was good, fun.. it felt so good to feel wanted. Cared. And then things started changing.

He started giving me excuses about meeting up. But never said he had regrets or he wanted to stop.. That was the only thing I asked of him. Be honest with me. And tell me. You might regret, you might think this wasn’t what you thought it would be, just tell me. And he promised. Then it turns out he was also talking to another friend of ours outside of work.

They were never intimate, but he was emotionally so much closer to her. And after everything came out, he just could not let her go, and he cut me off like I meant nothing. Our friendship meant nothing. And now, not only I lost the first guy I let myself be close to, but I also lost the best friend I thought I had. I know I am stupid, but I miss him so much, but not even as a lover but as a friend.

I know deep down all his words or promises must have been lies, just to get into my pants, but a part of me still cannot believe the guy I have to know For years as a friend, someone I trusted not to hurt me, did all these.

And that is the part I just can’t get over it. But the worst part is that he is running away from me at work. We still work in the same place, but he is changing his hours so he won’t see me.

And all I am thinking is that “how could this be” “why did he do this” not once did he try to talk to me to say he is sorry, or he made a mistake or just to tell me why, even though I tried to ask him. Now I am still alone in my marriage, but an addition to that, I am also heartbroken, and I guess I will never know the answers.

First of all, you are not stupid. Life is to be experienced , and you put yourself out there in order to feel alive again.

As much as you thought you knew this friend, you actually didn’t, an important insight regarding anyone we think we know, including your emotionally distant husband (something to ponder, yes?)

As for your friend, my guess is that he still doesn’t know himself either. It has been my experience that when a person is still actively seeking their own relevance, they tend to move from relationship to relationship and shying away from genuine intimacy in all of them.

In any case, while feelings of sadness are not something we actively and consciously seek out, there is a beauty in sadness when it sweeps through our lives, precisely because it has a way of putting us back in touch with our deep inner self.

This experience of yours can really be chalked up as invaluable. Mainly it will force you to focus on what you really want out of life. Perhaps a new path will open ahead for you. Then again, perhaps you will discover meaning right where you are. Who knows, you may do a little of both. More importantly, you will grow.

Just remember that this experience has and continues to expand your heart beyond its original state; this is why it hurts, it’s expanding, and your ability to love all the more encompassing! When you’re done growing from this experience, you will have evolved to a new level of your being, and your heart-hurt will become a distant memory. Embrace the changes you are going through as much as you can, and know the Universe always has your back.

I had to read back through, and I still can’t find my original post. So I apologize if I don’t remember all I divulged.

An update we are three years post mortem. We are still married, but the tables have turned. I did read one comment about “soul mates,” and if they were referring to me, they could go suck on a hose. See, the last three years were tough on me emotionally and physically. But I am forged steel now. Other people’s opinions of me are their business.

I am sorry about your friendship. We moved to The Cayman Islands during the crisis phase and out of complete fogged thinking. I also met a woefully, unhappy friend. It never got physical, but the tension made me feel alive and young and vibrant.

He would tell me all his secrets, and I would tell him mine. We would meet for tea, or we would go paddleboarding for hours, and when his wife left the island, we would meet at his house and drink wine and listen to music. He always complimented me on how clever I was. And I could see every time he saw me that he would smile so warmly. I pleased him. It felt so good.

I found out on Facebook that his time on the Island had come to an end. A mutual friend posted pictures of the send-off party. I spoke to him every day. So this was only a surprise to me. I was so broken. He was unhappy with his job and decided to go back to his wife in Europe. Lying next to my husband, I would silently cry myself to sleep.

I sent him a nasty letter telling him that it was gutless not to tell me he was leaving. He replied he didn’t know-how. This person that I had bled my pain too, and his in return, didn’t have the verbal skill required to tell me he needed, wanted, had, or whatever to leave. He would send emails every few days, always testing the waters to see if I was still hurt. I blocked him on every medium.

My husband has been trying to reconnect, and he is awkward and not really hitting the mark. But I have dedicated myself to me. If I want to take a trip, I book it. If I want to buy something I do. If I want to start a company that will allow me to travel and my own finances, I did.

I made a decision to stay married for my 16 years old, and now that the power scale has tipped, I made the decision to stay married for many reasons, but none of them are fear.

We are working on intimacy, but as you know, sex for women is in the brain. I tell him that it will happen when it happens. I’m not going to force myself to do anything just so that’s done.

Our daughter went to boarding school this year. I thought I was going to backslide into grief and depression, but instead, my empty nest gives me lots of opportunities to be creative and be happy.

So my advice to you is to take care of you first. Always you. Always first. But I recognize your pain, and I’m here.

Thank you both so much for your kind words and the support I went back and reread the other responses from people with similar experiences.

It seems whatever the reason is until they get what they are after, they say whatever needs to be said to reach the goal, then, that is it. I guess it all comes down to getting closure.

I know that would help, but how do you get someone so nonchalant, so selfish to give you the closure you need so you can start healing. I realize that the part of what I miss is the emotional satisfaction I received due to the attention he was showing me, I get that.

But what I don’t get is how can someone who is supposedly caring for you for years as a friend is willing to sacrifice that friendship for a few minutes of pleasure. I know I don’t have enough life experiences even though I am almost 50, and I feel so naive because I am still stuck on that part, why, I guess that just shows that I was a better friend and a better person in this situation.

I haven’t talked to him in almost three months now. Yes, of course, each day I try to teach myself, I train myself to careless and feel less, but I still have the moments the sadness, and the pain of the loss hit me.

And a lot of anger too, but we can’t make people act or feel the way we want, the funny thing is I was the other woman, so why feel the need to hide things from me. I had no power over anything. I would think that should have given him the Comfort of feeling he can be his true self with me. But I guess I was wrong on that one too. As for myself,

I am trying to find a way to get to know myself and try to figure out what it is I want out of life. The only thing I know is that it feels like I was asleep for the last 19 years and even though he isn’t worth the tears I am still waiting on him, he still helped me wake up from the dream state I was in, and I sure don’t want to go back to that and waste another 19 years.

I just have to find a way to get the strength to go after the happiness I deserve. I just have to figure out how to manage that. Let’s hope I will find the way. T

This thread has been really helpful and cathartic. I came here to share my experience with like-minded folks who went through or going through the same.

I am a married guy for six years. I had an amazing one week of physical intimacy with a single coworker who, in the beginning, was just a good friend. We are both in our 30’s. She ignores me at work now, to the extent that she will talk to my neighbors but not me.

We would have long chats on the phone lasting over an hour in many cases. Great matching sense of humor, and we even texted each other at the same time even she was on business trips. This got really physical for a week, although we didn’t sleep together.

After that, things started changing. For a week, things were normal. Two days after our physically intense event, she said that no one had ever cared for her or remembered as many details about her as I did.

She also said that I am exactly the kind of person a woman wants to be with. However, she said, let’s just stay friends and get to know each other slowly since things moved too fast for her.

That week was fine, but things went downhill from there. I saw that she was visibly distant to me at a group gathering that weekend. She started making the excuse that she is really busy whenever I stopped by her office.

No more IM messages in the office or inviting me for lunch. Finally, what made me realize that she no longer wants to talk was that I called and texted her twice that night, and she never returned either of those (its almost three weeks now).

A week after that, I start to see her previous likes and comments on my social media disappearing. We, too, had promised each other that nothing would change no matter what happens; our friendship and work relationship wouldn’t change, but she decided to change EVERYTHING!

I am ok if she no longer wants to talk but at least have the courtesy to have a conversation and explain why. Ghosting like this, especially when you work together, was really immature, in my opinion. It also makes me feel that there was no respect for all the good times and close conversations.

This whole episode makes no sense to me. Why did she allow herself to get so close to me despite knowing that I was married? And then what made her pull away so suddenly to the extent that she practically ignores me? I guess I will never know.

For women that have affairs with married men, it usually ends in tears.

Rarely do married men end up leaving their homes, their wives and their children, if they have children, with women they have flings with, and for the guy you had an affair with, I believe it was just a fling to him, but I have a feeling that you were getting into this guy 100% and if he had agreed to divorce his wife, that you were prepared to leave your husband for this guy.

After this, fling went to the next level of having sex; he then decided to tone it down because he felt he had too much to lose.

In my opinion and my advice is, cut off all contact and communications with this guy, say nothing to your husband and place this all behind you.

If you feel your husband is not meeting your needs emotionally, then you have to decide whether or not to stay married to him, but seeking solace by cheating and having affairs, especially with married men, will not solve the problem or enhance your life.

The Opinions on this website are only those of individual users. Nothing on this website should be taken as financial, medical or legal advice.

Always seek the help of a qualified professional.

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