I’m gonna summarize to keep this short...
He groomed me as far back as I can remember, at least since I was 5 if not before then. Then around 10 when I hit puberty, he would smell and lick my used panties whenever I stayed the night over there and leave me money... around 11 was when the molestation started. I was 11 years old when he started convincing me to let him eat me out... I was 12 years old when my body first betrayed me and came when he did it... I was 12 years old when I was told that I enjoyed it... I was 16, almost 17, when I finally told him enough. I was 17 when I had a full blown panic attack when I attempted to let my serious bf give me oral. I had just turned 20 when I was diagnosed with ptsd. I am going on 23 and I still have trouble at times letting my husband down there...

I hadn’t seen my uncle since I was 17. And yet I still feel panicked when I smell his cigar brand somewhere or see an elderly man who looks similar.

Out of curiosity I looked him up, and I saw that the source of his Information came from my county death records database. He died sometime in the last year. The relief I felt made me want to cry, and yet I feel terrible for feeling happy and relieved that he’s gone. He was a terrible man, and I wasn’t the first child he’s molested (long story for another time). But I feel like I’m released out of a prison I’ve been in since I was a child. And yet at the same time I still feel like it’s gonna happen again...

Oh yeah I fucking feel that way too. I did have to "forgive my rapist" (I can't think of a better way to say it) because I decided that'd it make me feel more in control and taking back power from him. I felt like my rapist was still being allowed to leave a measure of control & power over me by letting his raping me influence how I lived my life and that was something that I have exclusive absolute control in making happen.

I still hate the guy and might even be tempted to kill him on sight for everything he put me through. He doesn't deserve my energy or a single thought.

Thank you all so much. I have no idea where the guilt part of his death is coming from, maybe because I feel like I’ve been wishing it for years? I really don’t know. But I will try to focus on my happiness and relief of his death. I have a very young daughter, so even though it is a dangerous world out there, I am also happy that that is one less sicko who I know would have hurt her if given the chance. Thankfully I don’t think he even knew she existed, but I always feared he’d find out where I had moved to... I will try to embrace my happiness about his death rather than focusing on the bad. It’s good to know my feelings are legitimate and I’m not a psycho for being happy about it, lol.

I think it has a little to do with the grooming and also that you’re a good person. I’m sure it’s difficult to navigate through your emotions right now and most people’s immediate reaction to death is sadness. It feels almost morally wrong to be happy that someone is dead.... but I’m glad he’s dead. I hope you don’t feel guilty for being happy anymore, because what he did to you was unforgivable. There’s nothing wrong with you being happy.

You and I are the same age. It just makes me cry thinking about all the hours of despair and guilt and confusion you’ve probably been through.

I wish you the best... I know that fear you have- that you might accidentally run into him or he’ll suddenly show up around the corner. I still feel it sometimes myself with my own upsetting past, but I hope you come to feel at peace because he’s rotting in the ground where he should be.

We are taught from a young age we are supposed to feel sad when someone dies. The fact you RIGHTLY feel happy and relieved goes against everything you've been taught, may possibly be the reason you feel guilty.

yes. your feelings are 100% valid. incest and molestation is evil, and I’m so happy that you don’t have to fear this monster any longer. I wish that death could undo ALL of the hurt a person causes when they were still alive, but it’s a start.

perhaps your guilt comes from a need to soothe that brave little girl inside your psyche who endured such trauma. we are always told that it’s never, ever the child’s fault, but sometimes as children we internalize that (wrong) belief anyway and it’s really hard to release ourselves from feeling shame and responsibility. but recognizing these complex feelings helps you see that you are on the right path. especially now that you have a daughter, you may experience this process in a different way going forward. and that’s absolutely normal, too. feel your feelings, and be honest with yourself. you don’t have to hide anymore.

have you considered a professionally-guided support group specifically for people who are survivors of this type of abuse? I know it may seem like “reliving the past” but the results don’t lie, and it may help you continue to heal. The ones that Susan Forward mentions in Toxic Parents sound especially productive and forward-focused.

You know what, you know better than anyone (or at least as much as his other victims) that it his death is good riddance.

You know what, not only you are right (and in your right) to be happy, but I am personnally relieved that he is dead since I have children and that guy will never be able to molest them. Your victory is to have survived and keep fighting for your share of happinness, and not only the share he allowed you to get... your whole share.

Be happy, enjoy everything in life, if not today, someday, you aren't in a hurry. You can be proud of yourself..

You know what, not only you are right (and in your right) to be happy. I am personnally relieved that he is dead since I have children and that guy will never be able to molest them. Your victory is to have survived and keep fighting for your share of happinness, and not only the share he allowed you to get... your whole share.

Thank you for sharing this... sometimes I look at my abusers fb page quietly from afar to see if he's still alive (also a family member btw). I often wonder how i will feel when he does. In my heart, I don't know what it is I'm waiting for...closure maybe? There are so many feelings but I shut them down before I manage to identify them. Hang in there, you're never alone.

To me, I would probably address it eventually. Pushing away the thoughts and feelings from trauma is a coping mechanism. You can protect yourself for a little bit while it’s raw but if it were me, I’d tackle the thoughts and feelings with a therapist when I’m ready.

I felt relieved when my father died. And guilty. And it didn't help that others thought he was pillar of the (religious) community. What did help was a couple of people in the extended family who knew about it. So I knew I wasn't crazy. Or at least not delusional. They also told me he'd been whipped like a dog when he was a kid.

From what I gather, and whilst obviously this doesn't apply to all abusers, they justify it by convincing themselves that the other person wants it. I read an interview with a rapist who was saying the person was dressed sexily, and kept looking at them, and that showed him that she wanted him to do it. Mental gymnastics to justify their own despicable behaviour is all around us.

I'd add that children can get easily confused about their sexuality. Children need well meaning adults to show explain the world to them, which makes them extra vulnerable and trusting. Children are naturally curious, and can go along with something that aunt or uncle so and so told them to do because "you can trust aunt so and so."

What I've read from ernest accounts of some victims is that the psychological harm from molestation by a family member doesn't start with terror and revulsion, but with confusion, then shame, then it gets more and more corrossive as you get older. And it can take a long time to grow. Its like a toxic seed planted in your soul that slowly sends out its thorny vines. Having had a bad sexual experience when I was 13 (not to the OP's severity by a long shot) I can say that the bad feelings came after it had happened, and got worse with time.

As a parent I think its important to recognize that the warning signs can be subtle early on.

I'd add that children can get easily confused about their sexuality. Children need well meaning adults to show them the way of life, which makes them extra vulnerable. Children are naturally curious, and can go along with something that aunt or uncle so and so told them to do because "you can trust aunt so and so."

Whether you have feelings or not towards a child, YOU make that choice. Holding back on your urges isn't that hard if you try. No one is perfect, but our society should be way past this kind of stuff. Glad OP is doing better and has a life but this is a terrible thing to deal with as a kid.

You have nothing to feel guilty about. There are some people, like your abuser, that do not deserve to live. He should have died a long time ago. He should have died the day before he ever laid a finger on you or anyone else. It is a shame that he lived to hurt others so deeply.

The mind games that an abuser uses to control and to ensure that no one ever tells are what may be causing some of that guilt. Those times you tried to make sense of it in your head, the threats or lies he was telling you to keep you quiet, all the nice things that people said about him who didn’t really know him for the monster he was, all the times he seemed normal and maybe even fun.... all of those things make us question if maybe there was some semblance of a human under the evil acts. The guilt is for the loss of life of a human. Here’s the thing though- he had no humanity. The only humanity that he ever portrayed was a self-serving facade in order to carry out the heinous acts that he committed. People may feel guilty for rejoicing when another human dies, but he was just evil in human form... so rejoice and feel relieved and don’t let anyone tell you different! I hope his death brings you peace. Hugs!

For me and my person, I look at it this way: I’m relieved he’s gone because now I don’t have to hate him. He deserved my anger and my hate, but both of those emotions weren’t good for me. My hate and anger didn’t harm him, only me. And now he’s gone and I don’t have to hate him anymore. I’m relieved he’s gone because he can’t ever do this to anyone again. I’m relieved he’s gone because now I don’t have to fear running into him or hearing about him. I’m relieved for him that his sad existence is over and, maybe, if there is an afterlife, he has to reckon with his actions or at the very least learn and grow from them. Relief is a much better feeling than anger. My logic may be flawed but it works for me and you are more than welcome to borrow it.

I hope my abuser dies soon. I see him occasionally at family events and everyone thinks he is so smart and charming and ‘why doesn’t he have a woman in his life’ - cuz he prefers little girls. I look forward to the day he dies for all your reasons

Not everyone knows but his mom does and she also knows it wasn’t just me - but she won’t let him be excluded because of past mistakes - families can be so messed up. I’m okay now. I just anticipate his death will be good for me

I’m very sorry for your pain. I’m not sure if this is comforting in any way at all, or just scary.. probably both.. but in my line of work, i have seen that there are a lot of criminal cases with people like your uncle. Everything you’ve described is unfortunately a somewhat common occurrence within families in the world.

But what is uncommon is the strength of the survivors of this type of abuse-You are part of that elite few, and sharing makes other victims feel less alone and less unsure/unfamiliar of their memories and pain, which means a clearer path to healing.
Wishing you peace now and happiness moving forward.

My last therapist was actually (happily) surprised at how well adjusted I am for all the things that had happened to me. She was actually shocked by the amount of horrible things I told her and yet I’m able to mostly function even without my meds and was able to form my own life.

You must be an exceptionally resilient human. Some people struggle with far less and still understandably spiral downward. Whatever you’re doing, keep it up. Your daughter is lucky to have a strong mom.

I would be worried if you didn’t have an extreme reaction at some point! It’s definitely the type of thing people become suicidal after. But I think processing trauma can come in some very dangerous forms like self harm and suicidal ideations...what matters is that you successfully process it, and come out alive on the other side.

You have every right to feel relieved that he's dead; him being a blood relative means absolutely nothing. No need to feel guilty. Sexually abusing your niece, and most likely other people too, is on another level of sick and screwed up. It takes a truly awful person to do that. He was a piece of shit. The world is a far better place without him. I am personally very happy that someone like that is finally dead. Good riddance to that disgusting excuse for a human being.

I just want to hug you! Your story is so so so similar to mine, but mine was with my adopted father beginning around 3 (first memory) until 17 when I left home (I graduated a year early to get out) I have not had any contact with him since 17, except I have had to see him a few times at weddings and funerals. However, I've decided I will no longer allow myself to be in situations like that. I'm 28 now. Any slightest thought about him brings on the bad dreams. In recent years my dreams shifted from what used to be running away from him as he tries to hurt me, to actively engaging and wanting the events to take place. The recent dreams screw me up the most because I have never wanted attention from him like that. I was only recently diagnosed with PTSD as I finally realized I needed to seek help. Last month he was hospitalized and it sounded very severe. I wondered if his death would change anything for me. I cant help but want him to face the end. I often wish I would have told authorities so that he could have received justice. Instead, my mom just divorced him and left (after 35 years of marriage) and at the time that was the most important thing to me. My brothers said he pulled through and is no longer in the hospital. Part of me feels like some portion of anxiety might leave if I knew he was no longer out there, yet realistically I realizes it likely won't change much. I'm worried it may mess me up even more because the little voice inside my head will tell me that it's over and that I need to stop letting my childhood affect me even though it does. When I left home I thought everything would be okay because it was over. I couldn't understand the pain, panic attacks, severe anxiety, suicidal thoughts or self harm that was occurring after I had already left. I would think, "I'm not even there anymore. What is wrong with me?" Now I realize what it was. I'm thinking his death, whenever that may be, will just be another trigger with little resolution.

I hope you know you're not alone. I didn't mean to take your post into my own. It is just nice to share with another person with a similar background. You're already stronger than you know.

A few years ago I found out an abuser of mine (a baby sitters son) died of a stroke at age 33. My mother told me while I was completing paperwork for her. She looked baffled when I replied to her, “that’s great,” and casually asked her whatever information I needed next to complete the forms in front of us.

I hope this doesn't make you upset, but I have a little girl and I want to make sure nothing like this ever happens to her. You said he started grooming you at 5 and then doing the underwear thing at 10. Why did your parents let you stay the night at your adult uncle's house? Did you have cousins there? Where were they when this was happening? Why were you alone with him at 5? My daughter is 4 right now, and I want to make sure I don't miss anything a family member might be doing. But at the same time, I just can't see any real reason why she would be left alone with any of them for any reason, even innocent ones.

My family was a little weird, my grandparents were my parents to me, so my “aunt and uncle” were actually my biological grandmothers sister and her husband. Her kids were grown but she barely got to see her own grandkids and so she adored me. My aunt was like my grandmother to me, and my uncle like a grandfather, spoiling me, making cookies, all that good stuff, and kids stay the night at their grandparents all the time, so the staying the night or staying summers wasn’t really seen as weird despite it just being us. It seemed normal, my aunt took me shopping, my uncle taught me how to drive, it just looked like a girl spending time with her grandparents.

The grooming he was very sneaky about. Just made it seem normal to literally everyone.. Everyone thought his last victim was a one off thing (it was a neighbor child, a bit older, around 14 or 15), he was in therapy for 10 years before he started grooming me. My mom feels immense guilt when she finally learned what happened, thinking it’s all her fault cause she never thought he’d do that to his niece, and especially not with my aunt just a room away. The grooming started with an occasional touch, getting me used to his hands touching me, pretending it was an accident that his hands hit my chest or thigh when he walked past my chair, and secret keeping. It started out as what seem like an innocent “let’s go get ice cream before dinner, don’t tell your aunt or mom” kinda things. They got more frequent too. He’d also build my trust by buying me a shit ton of stuff. Whatever I wanted, I got. He was even the one who bought me my first prepaid phone. The thing is, with the grooming, there’s not really anything I can point out that would’ve been seen as off except for the pretending to hit my thigh by accident. Cause my best friends real grandparents did the same sort of spoiling and I know for a fact that they’ve never done anything. He did also build his trust his my parents too though. He’d help them out with money or even seem worried about my well being about too much tv or not having many friends and stuff.

By the time I was 10, he spent 5+ years building my trust and getting his reputation as a “good guy” with my family and his community. That’s what they do...

The only thing I can say to look out for, is mental health issues such as anxiety and depression. I have genetic depression, my bio mom, my bio grandma, and even her mom, all had depression that started at the same age (around 11), so I don’t know how much is genetic and how much is environmental. You’ve got to keep your own trust with your child higher than any predator might though. I know part of the reason I never told anyone was because I didn’t think I would be believed (he also told me I’d ruin my aunts marriage and stuff like that). Be sure to believe them no matter what right off the bat. It didn’t help that when I was raped at 15 by my brother in law and told 6 months later that my mom didn’t believe me at first.. she did after a couple days, but the damage was done and I felt I couldn’t come to her with my uncle... being desensitized to certain things may also be a clue, at 12 years old when it was time for “the talk”, I didn’t care, I wasn’t grossed out, just told my mom I already knew from kids at school and didn’t want to talk about it. I wasn’t squeamish at all to gore like I was a year before even though she started letting me watch R rated movies (supervised) at age 12. I had no gross reaction to sex scenes in them either when I used to think it was gross not long before. I was just... indifferent.

Unfortunately all that stuff can be signs for after things are already happening, I have no signs for grooming because of how sneaky he was and making it all seem normal to everyone.

I'm not OP, but being vigilant and recognizing that this does happen and acknowledging that family members are the most likely culprits is a huge first step. You are absolutely on the right path to protecting your children. Most parents won't even let themselves consider that a family member could do this; they don't look for warning signs, and they don't take it seriously when their children come to them. Talk to your daughter about it in terms she will understand. Make clear what and where is inappropriate touching. Even if it's awkward. Make a safe word. That's what my parents did for me, and so when my uncle abused me when I was six-ish, I called my mom and told her that I missed her and "wanted to play with the dollhouse with her." My parents rushed home, and I was never alone with my uncle again. They didn't handle it perfectly, but I don't know what would have happened if they hadn't had those discussions with me.

No need to feel guilty. My grandfather died a few years back, and while he didn't abuse me, he did abuse most of the other women in my family. Fuck not speaking ill of the dead, I hope he rots. If you think it would help, maybe you could like donate to RAINN in celebration of an abuser leaving the world?

It's one of the biggest anti-sexual assault organizations in the US (not sure if you're American or not). They run a hotline for people who have experienced sexual violence, and, according to Wikipedia, "carries out programs to prevent sexual assault, help survivors, and to ensure that perpetrators are brought to justice through victim services, public education, public policy, and consulting services."

My twin brother was violated by what we thought was a friend of the family and told him if he told us we he done he'd kill us and him. I felt the closeness that we had drift away after that. He resented me because I didn't go through what he went through. Needless to say that we want to kill this motherfucker now more than ever. We found this out on my brother's deathbed. So in short, it okay to feel relieved that he is dead.

I was 19 when I told my mom. Her and her sister were estranged at that time (mental illness is a bitch). We went to go see my aunt on her deathbed and it took all my mom had to not kill him. I specifically asked her to not even say anything since we weren’t there for him, we were there to say goodbye to my aunt. She respected my wishes but wouldn’t even look at him. She too is happy he’s gone.

Don't feel guilty that a horrible human being can't hurt anyone physically anymore. Easier said than done, but you have nothing to feel ashamed about.

As far as your body betraying you, you wouldn't blame yourself if you flinch from pain. It's a strictly physical reaction, and no matter what he said it doesn't mean you enjoyed it or wanted to feel that even if it felt good.

I hope you continue to heal, and if there is a hell I sincerely hope that bastard is roasting right now.

I'm glad you shared this and got it out. I'm so sorry you went through that. I truly hope you can move forward and find peace.

I was raped and beaten by an ex-fiancee. I found out a few months back that he's been in and out of a coma for about 10 years after picking a fight with the wrong guy and being beaten nearly to death. I've definitely experienced that mix of guilt and relief.

I could have written this. My uncle abused me from when I was 10-16. He served a short time in jail and then was back, and I always worried I would run into him somewhere. When he finally died, I was 29, and the weight it lifted off of my shoulders was huge. That said, every time I think I’m “over” the abuse... it seems to pop up in some unexpected way. For example, when I was pregnant and did not give consent to a routine episiotomy, and the doctor said she was going to do it anyway. This was in an appointment weeks before my delivery date. The loss of control of my body triggered me and brought up memories of the childhood abuse.

I’m glad your uncle is gone and you can relax more now, but just because it happened years ago doesn’t mean your brain is done dealing with it, so don’t feel badly if you need to re-examine those thoughts and feelings at later stages of your life. My daughter is almost to the age I was when the abuse began, and it’s bringing up old feelings again. Thankfully I see my therapist at noon.

That said, every time I think I’m “over” the abuse... it seems to pop up in some unexpected way. For example, when I was pregnant and did not give consent to a routine episiotomy, and the doctor said she was going to do it anyway. This was in an appointment weeks before my delivery date. The loss of control of my body triggered me and brought up memories of the childhood abuse.

As a survivor, that shit never leaves you. You just get better at dealing with it.

I was thrilled when I found out my sociopath stepfather was dead. Because he was a shitty human being who liked to torment people. There was no reason to be sad a person like that was dead. So I wasn't.

I had a similar experience, when he died a cousin posted the usual praying for him, RIP and that an angel died and the usual BS. I got so mad! And responded with:

‘Pray for the victims, ask peace for the inocents. Angels are those who even when in need help others. The ones that take advantage of the defendless will never rest in peace. In peace will be the ones that were afraid of their silence. Now we can breath.’

All of the sudden a LOT of my cousins started liking and commenting in the status. It happened to almost all of us. So sad that we learned that after the fact. And when we compared stories uncovered a huge secret on our family which is now separated in bands.

It's ok to feel happy and relieved that he is gone, please don't feel guilty about it.
My stepfather who abused me from age 9 to age 17 died 3 years ago from cancer. I'm 34 now.
I hardly ever saw him as I avoided visiting my mom's place, so I would only see him at big family gatherings.
I saw his health decline each time because of the cancer, and I felt a mix of pitty and relief.
When he died only relief remained. I felt guilty about it at first too.
But since I still have nightmares and jump out of the bed middle of the night thinking someone crawled in my bed, or I wake my husband up while completely shaking thinking something is in the bed. I have a feeling of 'fuck it, it's good he's dead, I'm 34 and what he did many years ago is still messing with my head.
No more guilt for me, and hopefully no more guilt for you too.
I wish you all the best, and a happy life, you deserve it!

It's ok to feel happy and relieved that he is gone, please don't feel guilty about it.
My stepfather who abused me from age 9 to age 17 died 3 years ago from cancer. I'm 34 now.
I hardly ever saw him as I avoided visiting my mom's place, so I would only see him at big family gatherings.
I saw his health decline each time because of the cancer, and I felt a mix of pitty and relief.
When he died only relief remained. I felt guilty about it at first too.
But since I still have nightmares and jump out of the bed middle of the night thinking someone crawled in my bed, or I wake my husband up while completely shaking thinking something is in the bed. I have a feeling of 'fuck it, it's good he's dead, I'm 34 and what he did many years ago is still messing with my head.
No more guilt for me, and hopefully no more guilt for you too.
I wish you all the best, and a happy life.

While I can not help you overcome your anxiety of smells and random fears, those lessen with time. I can tell you that it is ok to feel positive things towards a normally negative event. It seems contradictory to feel happiness at a death but honestly... it was a bad, bad man that deserved a far worse punishment than death. I’m so sorry you have felt the things you have felt, and struggle with things that should be lovely but I am glad you are here, and married and hopefully surrounded by love and patience and understanding. I hope you have a good relationship with your psych dr’s and keep working towards resolution. Be strong and don’t feel bad about your happiness! He stole it from you long ago and perhaps you can see his death as releasing what is rightfully yours in the first place.

Wow. Thank you for sharing this story. It's stuff like this that makes me want to support sexual assault foundations, title ix work-- all of that. God bless you and I truly would like to wish you an amazing life. You deserve to be happy and to forget that demon ever existed.

Thank you :) it’s been many years since it’s stopped but it’s still so hard to share. I think because of the long time it went on and the grooming may still be in place... I still feel like telling me story is betraying his trust (I know it’s not and he was horrible and it never should have happened at all, but he instilled that so early in my life you know? I was so young when he made me think it was all ok and I could trust him I literally grew up with that notion in my head). It’s easier to share my rape story than my assault because the rape was rape and that was it. It was someone I was supposed to be able to trust (my BIL) but there was no grooming, no promises, no build up, just the rape. My uncle spent years upon years trying to make me into an obedient quiet little girl before starting..

I'm so sorry for you and I hope you keep doing progress with your ptsd.
About your story, just because he was family doesn't mean you have to love him or respect him, since he clearly didn't do the same! It is completely understandable that his death is a relief to you and you shouldn't feel bad, because in the end he was an awful person.
I wish you all the best and good luck.

Sending a soft fuzzy blanket and a hot comfort beverage of your choice.

My kidnapper ex who threatened murder-suicide had me terrified to visit an entire state, and I checked obits for about a decade hoping she had finally given in to suicidal tendencies. Maybe I should feel sympathy for her mental illnesses, but I don't.

I gave my uncle a black eye when he got handsy with me at 13. He didn't have an opportunity after that to do much more than ruffle my hair, but he abused his daughters so badly they still have anxiety and depression. The youngest and brightest just dropped out of college, unable to concentrate.

I am so angry on behalf of all of us. I hope the world continues to change and get safer, and that people who abuse and molest face consequences.

My brother didn’t know what he had done to me until me and my mom told him why we were happy about his death. My brother says he feels robbed of a good murder. I think my brother seriously would’ve killed him too, that’s why I never told him when I gained enough courage to tell my mom. I think he very seriously would’ve gone to kill him.

I was 17 when I got together with my now husband, he knew from the beginning what happened and that I was very messed up because of it. He’s always been very patient with me. Like my mom he’s respected my wishes to not do anything about it. Even now I will still have trouble and he tries his best to understand. If he sees me panicking over a smell he just holds me and moves me along past it. If we’re having oral and I tell him to stop that I just can’t, he knows why and he does right away and holds me. Sexual is not my only abuse I’ve been through, I had a very hard childhood, so he’s very patient all around. He lets me talk when I want to and doesn’t force me to either.

I don’t see why it’d be morally wrong to feel relieved if I were you, it’s a person who ruined a part of your life and left visible, lasting damage that is now imparing your life quality, potentially for the rest of your life (Idk how effective therapie would be in this regard, if there even is such a thing).

The fact that he’s been part of your family shouldn’t be a reason to feel bad about it, the fact that he abused the “easy access” to you as a young, maliable person should be even more of a reason to not feel about about your relief, it’s one of his most important responsibilities to restrain himself in that regard. People argue that pedophilia is something you’re born with and I won’t attempt to argue on that because how would I know, but the moment you act on those urges is when you lose the right for sympathie, especially from your victims.

You have my best wishes in overcoming those memories and getting on with your life in freedom and best of luck with your marriage too!

I hope that just like that and never allow that to happen again, it happened to me once and I'm sure that if someone else tries to touch me I will not hesitate to hurt him or kill him with my own hands. and I'm glad that your grandfather's bastard has died

You might get something out of this song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gVws52PPvEA and/or the mountain goats in general. Their frontman and primary songwriter wrote a lot about his physically abusive stepfather. Check out the album The Sunset Tree.

As an adult human, I do like receiving oral when I’m ok mentally. He’s very understanding when I tell him to stop though. He knows that that means my brain is going back there and I can’t. He never goes down there without my clear permission either. Having him down there at times I think has actually helped me in a way. Slowly, I’m starting to associate the feelings with my husband, who I actually trust and know loves me, rather than my uncle.... I don’t rush it though.

That's wonderful :) I hope to get to that place someday. At this point in my life, I don't have sex. Period. It took me several years to realize it was okay to not have sex with my partner until I'm ready. I'm glad you've found such an understanding partner, and the slow shift of association makes perfect sense.

Strangely I was the opposite. Not only was I abused by my uncle, but once I was raped by my BIL (another story for another time), and he took my virginity, I became extremely promiscuous. I honestly can’t even give a completely accurate number on the amount of guys I had sex with.. unsafe too. Thankfully I was lucky enough to have never caught anything.. I guess I was just so defeated that it didn’t mean anything to me anymore.

I don't think it's strange at all. I think your reaction is very common, though I can't relate to it at all. I definitely associate only trauma with sex and have my entire life due to abuse by multiple men, so I have had zero interest in it. It's always been very traumatic even with my supportive, patient partner, so we are taking a indefinite break from trying. I'm really glad you didn't get anything, and have made such progress. :) Be proud. You deserve it.

When a monster dies we celebrate the fact he will never get to terrorize anyone again, not feel sorry that the little human in there died too. Fuck him. Be happy. Next time you smell his brand of cigarretes laugh, cause that piece of shit can no longer hurt you, and now you have time to heal.

I mean, you should choose something that's meaningful for you, but I think what's important is to take the fear that this will happen again and set it free, and other overwhelming emotions too. Try to take the edge off them. Of course they don't vanish, but anything that makes you feel like you take back a bit more control can help.

And, for some people the only sadness they might elicit is the grief over how they could've lived a decent life, and yet they chose to hurt and violate others instead.

Don't feel guilty for feeling happy and relieved he's gone. When my rapist died I felt nothing for a long while; or rather, I didn't allow myself to feel anything because what I felt was relief. I was glad he was gone. That fucked me up for a long time, because what kind of asshole is happy their dad died? Then I realized, after many tears, that I am allowed to hate him.

I also hate people who say,"don't speak ill of the dead." Why not? I couldn't speak ill of him when he was alive. And don't fucking tell me I have to forgive him! Don't put that shit on me; he doesn't deserve my forgiveness.

So you go on living, MamaRamos1991. Your abuser is dead and gone. Go and live the best goddamn life you can. That will be you victory.

Please continue to tell others as you are able so that those like your late uncle (and possibly hapless enablers) are less able to distract us all from the fact that we must always, in the back of our mind, be duly questioning any hints of possible harm from the greatest danger to children:

I'm happy he's dead, and I like to think I'm a kind and loving person who strives to make the world a better place for all of humanity...all of humanity except that guy. Fuck him. He'ss dead and that makes the world safer and better. I support your happiness about it.

Wow, absolute disgusting what he did to you. And that's why you should not feel a shred of guilt for feeling relieved thst he's dead. He was your family, someone who you'd thi k you can trust, and he used that trust to abuse you. I'm sorry that you went through all that and still cary the demons from it. I hope one day you'll be able to let it in the past.

I hope Vampire Bill took care of him. You have every right to be relieved, even happy. (hug).

Human beings have a very complicated relationship with sex. We're the only species that has sex for emotional, intimate reasons-not primarily to procreate. I hope I'm not being an idiot here, but I just want to 'simplify' (for lack of a better word) the matter with a what if.

What if your Uncle was a guy that didn't sexually abuse you but gave you alcohol and/or recreational drugs on a regular basis, and started partying with you at that age? You'd have fun at the time, probably feel grown up and special.
Then, as you grew older, you'd realize you'd actually been abused. But you wouldn't feel guilty. You'd KNOW you were a kid and that it is ONLY your uncle's fault. You wouldn't feel like you had to explain it to yourself or anyone else that you were drinking alcohol and getting high. No child is ever responsible for shitty, selfish, abusive adults that break the rules of humanity. Some people are morally retarded, it's not on you, at all, ever. <3

Wow, I did not expect this to blow up the way it did. Thank you all sooooo much for all the support and trying to help me with the guilt part. I also did not expect the amount of people who could relate so well... I knew that sexual abuse was a problem, but this opened my eyes even more to just how common it really is. I feel for all of you, and my heart goes out. These kinds of people are evil, and those that abuse children are even more so. Everyone, just please keep fighting, and get help, even if it’s just on and off therapy like me (money problem don’t allow me to have constant therapy but some is better than none). We are not alone, I see that now.

Don´t feel terrible for feeling happy, you have te right to feel happy and free especially after what he´s done to you. Death isn´t a punishment, it´s the natural course of existence. There is nothing to feel terrible about.