Sunday, March 31, 2013

There were days when she complained and never stopped. She laughed remembering those days. The kid, a decade younger, were a package full of characters. She couldn't be more than amused to learn how they brushed her with all kinds of emotions.

Emotions. She was nevertheless angry at most times. She erupted when things got out of control, but there were times she exploded without warning. She was pretty unpredictable. Maybe, she needed a blood check.

Sometimes, it was the response they gave. When they thought she was cool to play, they became irritating and she was frustrated about it. But when they were a little less than interested about how she felt, she always had the urge to portray silly expressions and the sort. She played fool and live in its paradise.

But as the sun rose in the morning, she wasn't at all angry nor frustrated. She wasn't plotting on rage nor was she remembering the behaviours that disappoint her. She was thinking more about the happier things instead. She counted the number of kids who always made the efforts to learn. They were probably among the naughtiest, but the most enthusiastic. She laughed remembering how they mimicked her with silly expressions when she was angry. They always put a cheer.

Thursday, March 28, 2013

The phone shutted down for two days. She didn't know where it was; she didn't care. She wasn't bothered to locate it. The piles of works awaiting scared her. She didn't want to relate to them. She wanted to escape.

The days crept on as emergence of angry faces popped out of her head - from a colleague, to a friend and even someone dear. She had to face reality. Reluctantly, she dug her pencil case among the pens and pencils searching for the phone. It was not there. She searched her office bag, it wasn't there either. Then, she remembered it was there at the bookstore. Again, she searched her bag. And there it was, black as silence.

She recharged, hoping it would be forever dead still. Please, no new messages, no missed calls. She prayed, typical words she would say. Her hands shivered as she turned it on. Sometimes, she reasoned that she had a choice to leave it dead. Despite all the nuisances she tried to persuade herself into, the phone was finally ON!

Six crazy missed calls and four messages. Should i respond? She had just jumped out of the frying pan into the fire. Oh boy, what had she done?

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

She wondered when, how, and why they have distanced themselves from her. Expectation and hopes no longer lingered around; the simplest of hi became foreign to her ears; the polite smiles washed and fade away. She was, but only transparent - when she overheard them talking to a colleague, or saw them fluttered past like a butterfly, or when they trotted upfront, or they, who were so close to even be known as aliens. They represented the whole twenty-seven.

Why have it gone so wrong? The question troubled her. The impending eight more months horrified her. She had no desire to spending more time together. Space and time had no quality. She wanted to call a quit, if ever. She was willing to let loose. She had never felt this way, and she hated it.

It's not about who's right, or who's wrong

It's not about who's weaker, or who's strong

It's not about who's innocent, or who's fault

It ain't really 'bout that kind of thing at all

It's not about who does it, or done it, or did it to who

Don't matter if the both of you lose

... the lyrics played by her ears. Ain't about pride and self, ain't about the hurt and the lies, she reminded herself. It's all about drama, and love and relationships. It's all about drama, and trust, and making it. If your somebody messed up, you took it in. You held on, and be strong.

Thursday, March 21, 2013

Her eyes glared in fiery red. She insisted on empty drawers. They, however, remained both carefree and ignorant despite being warned several time. Her patience dried out and she finally belched out, "Barnabas, clear that drawer!"

Of all the others, his name was called. Displeased as he was, he mouthed grumbles and comments, while reluctantly pulled out a book and a set of papers, and tossed them into the rubbish angrily. She cooled off to unfortunately catch sight of the book and papers with her name written on them. The fire churning inside her burst and she exploded without warning. She picked them up, walked over, read the name and slapped him with a book.

"Pap, pap, ..." before she gave her third shot, the hands shove her away. The play drew in crowds with cheers. Her face burnt both in shame and anger. She had nothing to lose. She lifted up her hand, ready for her finale, swung her arm and closed her eyes.

She drew in fresh air. It was stiff as a picture but she was greatly at ease. Her immediate response were grievingly beyond unethical. She heaved a sigh of relief; not fighting back were not as stupid as the stupid things she would do. On impulse.

Monday, March 18, 2013

"Stanly, I feel that you have been improving. I'm very happy for you. Don't give up trying and you will succeed." A small yellow note laid on the table of one insignificant boy. The message poked her instinct to a challenge.

She never took notice. She wondered how she had come to be more prejudice than she ever realized - weighing balance unevenly to the one she favoured most to the least. There were plenty to name, those of whom she never spoke of. He was such a boy.

Nothing about him left a positive impression towards her. He was forever disturbing friends - back, front, left and right. He never even own a book! The many times she put him away with his excuses, he would pick up words which made her burn in flame. Yes, he paid attention, but never came to do the maths. So, that was him, the boy who held many promising future...

So, "is he really that bad?" She wallowed in the question.

The boy who secretly picked up lesson from a friend, glistened in wide eyes while she caught him red-handed to have him shy away with mysteries. The one and only one who agreed to her decision without questions. His quick access to decision-making left her with doubts, but he was sincere just as the words from his mouth.

The question was worth reflecting on, "why had they changed, from obedience to rebellion?" The way that she mapped each one of them, both leak and lead clues unknown.

Sunday, March 17, 2013

Her heart beat against her chest as she was ushered to a bed behind the curtains. She could hear them on her ears. She sat on the bed, shivering and mapping wild possibilities. It scared the wits out from her.

Though the curtains hid her, the echoes of footsteps and voices of human encounter were audible from the other side. She was worried even before the turn came to her. Her eyes were actively screening - no signs of tubes. Please, no. She was near betraying herself. It worried her sick. She could take flight.

The doctor peeked in before she was organized. "What's the problem?" She explained and the doctor's response surprised her. "Why worry?" The doctor was indifferent. She was obviously healthy.

She was relieved, but still unsure if the response was fake. No medication prescribed, no advice given. Funny.

Thursday, March 14, 2013

The engine spurred as the car sped into full speed. Her conscience flickered, her driving marked rather dangerously. The thoughts of accidents occasionally visited her; images of crashes and blood slowed her down. She was more alert now than she could be.

A web of emotion wavered expressions of all kinds - happiness, sadness and anger. She rambled pretty much about everything. Then and again, she couldn't make sense the pride of the brood, heartless, claiming honesty without guilt. Were their so-assuming claims acceptable in the context of man?

What if, I refuse to educate the same way they refuse the right for education, exclaiming without real reason to support my claims.

What if, I exterminate their existences the same way they vanish into thin air to let me feel this excruciating pain.

What ifs, and the many cruel and heartless proclamation she was dying to meet. Oh, my! How could such innocence paved way for such sinful intentions that lead her to such vulnerability as this? The assumptions continued to bewilder her.

Sunday, March 10, 2013

The man smiled from a distant, calling at someone near her. She was not bothered. She briskly walked past him and was surprised to be called a teacher. He was not the father of a friend, but in his fifties. She could not recall any connection with him. She pulled herself away.

Her heart raced, her mind wandered. She could not find courage to lift her head up as she walked pass the second time. He read her like book, and summoned a hey in a less enthusiastic tone. She forced a grin and walked away as fast as she could. And there he was, another guy, her age. In slippers! He should be running. Her head mapped out plentiful assumptions.

Her last encounter freaked her out. It took her years to break free from the nest. Should age help her face them, she would not make a run.

Saturday, March 9, 2013

Their discontent was written all over their faces. The wry smiles they featured at short glimpses were petrifying. Their body languages were not alien for her. She read them well.

She was more and more concerned as the clock ticked away. They gnarled in locked lips as she jabbered away. Jabbering?!! Not the word she was looking for. She insisted that they understand. She could repeat.

She never hesitated.

Her persistence was an insult for them. "Oh, the same words, over and over again!" Almost as if they could read her, but to help them if she could. She was not well-received.

The first year, they pampered and lauded her. The second year, they kicked her out out of love. She stood by the windows, only peeking in. Their laughter stole her heart. She questioned herself. Their sincerity was obsolete.

Friday, March 8, 2013

She sweat profusely. The body odour that infused into her nose wasn't pleasant, yet she had to bear with it until the end. She carried a grumbling stomach, while her hands pulled out numbers across the big black wall. She summoned all her energy to belch out as loud as she could. She was tired and shivering. She didn't care.

She had been standing for the past five hours. Her feet were sore. Constantly she secretly slipped them out to catch some breath. If she could sit and rest on golden sands, her heads were moving in circles. Should she close her eyes, they would put her to sleep instantly. She avoided the picture.

The day was tough. Wild horses could not drag her down. All that she needed, and the more...

Wednesday, March 6, 2013

The messages were early. So consistent that it overwhelmed her. Often was she surprised to hear beeping that was immediate to their calls. At first, she was impressed; she picked up her pace and improved. Her joy elevated as each message sent received their replies.

It did not last long, she realized. Replies became cold and reluctant. Questions led by curiosity died, and soon, goodbyes became a good excuse to end each letter.

Hopes were suffocating, but she was persistent. She insisted to wait and not argue, but the wait had become obsessive. It occupied her brain; and nothing else.

Tuesday, March 5, 2013

Her head finally cooled off as she stepped in. She was still disappointed thinking about how they behaved. How could they ever be so cruel? She refused further thoughts. It made her cry. She sat down at her table and a cake sat in front of her. A cake.

Dedicated to you, it wrote. "What is this? Tribute for a dead hero?" She was cynical. They wasted the morning with cupped ears, probably be baking cakes on their heads. She was all the more angry. She set it aside. Their generosity was doubtful; it was only an idea to alleviate the explosion. She was displeased. Her heart was hard as steel. She was not thankful. She bite her tongue off.

"Hey, why do you leave it there?" Her distasteful response was radiating. She set a numb face and remained calm.

Monday, March 4, 2013

The bell rang. She was glad. She finished the last math as mucous continued to secrete in her throat. It was torture. She could not stop recall his comment, they coughed at people's ears. She remembered well, and reminded herself not to repeat the mistake. She did not intend to, but she coughed, and coughed another to relieve her throat.

She buried her face on her palms. "In sickness and in health," she grumbled. Her cheeks warmed to red.

Sunday, March 3, 2013

Oily char kuey teow was not her choice of order, but she dunk for the sprouts and spices that kicked in. The humble dish served in basket brought her rumbling trains of thoughts. She was buried deep and felt disgusted to dig further. She rested her chopsticks besides.

"Why stop?"

One more dish to please her huge appetite, but she could not go on chewing. She washed them away. Coffee in a cup of warm milk comforted her. She quenched herself, let away the wrinkles scarred her.

Saturday, March 2, 2013

She looked at her disapprovingly, yet in no words should she describe. The aftermath would be tragic. She swallowed discomfort and uneasiness as if she was used to them. Had they noticed, they blinded their own eyes. She was surprised.

For a yes or no, they fussed each other, trading doubts and confidences. She watched unamused for play to end. They shamelessly waited for her to respond. She looked back blatantly. She was more surprised.

She made no words from beginning to end. The echoes of her short, comprehensible gestures filled their questions. They were puzzled.

She anxiously waited at the balcony. Her heart drummed with beats. The efforts reverberated through their energy intimidated her. They judged differently. Should they behaved, they could achieve more. And they did, in a surprising way and threw her out of the window.

She looked down from the balcony - from the first floor to eternity. "Where's passion?" She could need a breath of fresh air.