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Saturday, November 24, 2007

When I was younger, the passion was MOST important.
It was ABOVE stability.
It was ABOVE respect.
It was ABOVE my own dignity.
It took me 9 years to find out that PASSION does not bring fulfillment. Passion does not equal love.

The passionate life means a series of ups and downs. Thats what makes the highs feel so high. Its because the low was lower than low.

My first marriage was "the passionate life". The highs I experienced with that man were at the very highest pinnacle of physical pleasure. Stoned, drunk and sexed beyond what I thought I could handle. He BROUGHT it every single time. Like an addict, I craved him. I rocked out in blind rages of sadness; unable to see beyond my addiction. Unable to shake my physical need for him. Unable to see how bad he was for me.

He had to take me there to that gulf of misery so that I would enjoy every time he took me HIGH. He knew my every physical desire and knew how to satisfy it. I was madd with lust, having no control over my appetites.

Then, like a pusher that gets arrested, he left me. He moved on. My passionate life spent high as a kite sunk me to the bottom of an abyss where the only way I could go was UP.

I spent a whole lotta time in that abyss. Lonely. Sad yet still hopeful in my "pusher". I knew he wanted to do right. He just didn't have the courage to do it. **heavy sigh**

I came out of that abyss unscathed. In fact, stronger for having been through such tough times. But like any drug addict, I know that my addiction to that man didn't look pretty on me. I'm glad I'm free from the grips of such a toxic love.

Tuesday, October 02, 2007

why do you haunt me even in my MOST blissful moments?
why do you visit my dreams?
why do i feel your touch when it's been four and a half years since i last felt it?

how is it that i'm happy where i'm at... joyful, even... yet still see you in the recesses of my memory?
my first love, that was YOU!
i still feel the tugging in the pit of my stomach when i think of your face.

why do i feel like -- you feel the same way too?

i feel like i'm so connected to you... and that i already know HER because i know you.
she's nothing like me, i know.

sometimes i wonder why our lives crossed paths.
what lessons did you learn from me?
had we known each other in a different lifetime?

'HE' gives me EVERYTHINGG i could ever desire. he plants me with sweet kisses and gentle carresses. he pledges ETERNAL love, as timeless and everlasting as the infinities of the universe....

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

I don't quite know who established the holiday -- but its a great one!

I spent my day LOUNGING at the beach. It was ABSOLUTELY wonderful to sit with my closest family members and just chill out. Play games. Eat. Get in the ocean... and surf. Yes -- I got in the ocean and actually surfed. Eat more.

At first, I thought I was gonna take a hike in the mountains just to "rewire my circuits". Getting into the elements helps to ground me and focus my eyes on things of an eternal nature. Instead I went to the ocean and chilled with the fam... a different, just as effective, form of focusing. It was FAB-U-LUSS!

Monday, May 07, 2007

About 7 years ago, the doctors removed her right breast. Tomorrow, they take her left breast. Through all of this, she is stalwart, brave, courageous even. It brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it. After the masectomy, if it doesn't contain the cancer; if it should spread, she will go through chemotherapy. I feel sad for her and for her family.

Contemporary medicine is not the only option. Why do people think that it is? I grew up in a home where we were very close to the earth. We never went to the doctor. My parents opted to treat us with traditional, holistic, natural healing techniques. I'm grateful! I wish she would try the holistic way. She thinks its too risky. **sigh**

Well -- while she battles the big "c" word -- I will petition the heavens on her behalf. I will call on the Creator's most valiant angels to attend to her and to the doctor's that will work on her.

Monday, April 23, 2007

Husband and I are doing a sort of "renewal" of our vows kinda thing, this coming weekend. It's so much deeper than that but in this forum, that's all I'm willing to give. So on Saturday, we went to Celebrity Tuxedo to rent him a nice tuxedo. I think he's gonna look sharp! I'll post pics later.

My dress is being sewn - bridal satin and green organza. I hope it will look gorgeous on me. **winks** Red is my favorite color but my mama said that I better not wear red... so I settled for my second favorite color... GREEN. It's actually a sage green and it will overlay the white satin. GORGEOUS!!!

My life is so beautiful now... like MAGICAL. I was diggin' in some of my old journals from the former marriage. I can't believe how far I've come as a woman and how I FINALLY see my own self-worth to want more from a relationship. Like clockwork -- when I raised that proverbial "bar", my HUSBAND stepped up to it.

When you raise that "bar", you are telling anyone you let in your world that there are certain deal-breakers; things that you will ABSOLUTELY NOT compromise. If you require total fidelity -- don't compromise that because you think it would be easier to have an open relationship therefore rationalizing that "cheating" DID NOT occur. It requires too much emotion and a portion of your heart and mind will NEVER really trust the other person. DEAL BREAKER!

I wish you could read what my life was like just a couple of years ago.... by going through my journals and sneaking a peek into my past. I love where I am today. I love the man who shares my world. He is THE ONE.

So, the difference in what I had before and what I have now has nothing to do with who I'm with. I'm different TODAY. I expect more and demand more, in turn the people that couldn't keep up with that have exited my life... and the one's that could are still here! The difference is ME!

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

I make it a point to AVOID the spin and outright lies spewed by ALL major news networks. Bill O'Reilly being at the top of my list of newscasters/spin-meisters to avoid!!!! He's talking about the Virginia Tech shootings. He's calling a bunch a people EVIL. Frankly, I think Bill O'Reilly is a whore for the corporations that own him.

The media is taking this way outta control and is using this as a distraction from the dropping dollar, the war in Iraq, the pending war in Iran, a government that is falling apart... you get the picture.

I think the shootings are absolutely horrific. However, there's something funny about this whole thing but I just won't state it in a public forum. Anyway, why do we feed into the hype?

What would happen if we all just shut off our TV's right now and stopped listening to the BOOBS ON THE TUBE?

I would like to suggest that stress levels would drop.

Our focus would be more on our communities and mending our broken families.

We would think clearer and be able to form our own opinions based on our instinct rather than the spin on mainstream media.

Our direction for our families would change from being media-driven to being driven by the need to be close.

The list could go on and on. You can think of better things to do than watching the BOOBS ON THE TUBE.

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

As you know... I'm in OKLAHOMA at a software training conference. Throughout today's training sessions I zoned out and caught up on my snail-mail-pen-pal-writing. So don't ask me what happened today! LOL... That isn't all true cause I did actually tune in for the last workshop.

What I know is that I love my husband dearly. Distance makes the heart grow fonder. (With my ex, that statement DID NOT apply. But I digress...) Husband and I are like peas in a pod. He covenants FOREVER and I feel safe; confident that OUR love will be everlasting. I'm so blessed!

Getting used to the 5 hour difference was easy as 1-2-3. Jetlag is NOT a thing to me. I adjusted real quick-like. The weather here is wet and rainy. Anybody that knows me knows that I love the rain! Even with the wet weather my hair is FLAWLESS. The low humidity sucks all the frizz out.

The Virginia Tech murders has me thinkin' on constitutional rights. There's something fishy about the strange events. Now there's so much talk of gun control. So I have to repeat my logic: "Do more laws mean less criminals?" It seems the more laws they put on the books -- the more criminals we lock up -- yet the same crimes continue to occur. The crime rate appears to rise and really -- more laws DO NOT make less criminals. Written by the hand of God, Moses gave us the Ten Commandments. Oh that we could live by them therefore never having to bump into government.

I finally made it to Tulsa, Oklahoma. I'm here for software training. I left on the red-eye out of Honolulu, Hawai'i on Sunday evening. Arrived in San Francisco Monday morning for a two hour layover. Connected to Atlanta, Georgia. Two hour layover. And now I'm finally in the hotel... relaxing and still on Hawaiian time. Did you notice what was wrong with my flight itinerary? Yes... I flew over Tulsa and went all the way to Atlanta only to make my way back. **sigh**

Oh well -- here I am!

I miss my honey but I won't be here long. I fly out on Friday morning and get into Honolulu at 2pm. Gotta love that. It's like I'm stealing some time or something. LOL...

While I'm away -- husband is visiting with his son. I'm sad that I couldn't be there but that was the luck of the draw. This was the only time his son could visit.

I was bummed that I was in Georgia and didn't get to see any of my family. The layover was way too short for me to even enjoy a visit with them. It's okay though cuz I'll probably be back in Atlanta in August.

Friday, April 13, 2007

I've been so busy. I haven't been able to keep in touch with my snail mail pen pals, much less keep up with my blog. I miss bein' in all a yall business and expanding my mind by reading your perspectives.

I'm gearing up for a 4-day trip to Oklahoma. Any of yall in Tulsa? I'll be there from Monday to Thursday for a conference. I'll probably blog from there -- in fact, I'll probably find MORE TIME there than I do here at home.

My "green thumb" keeps me real busy and I love it. My tomatoes don't need much attention at all. In fact, I have to cut them back three times a week. My beans are suffering from some kinda mite. My father had some organic pesticide on hand which I'm able to use even up until the day of harvest. I love organic stuff!! So I've been watching my beans. Even with all those mites, my beans keep fighting and keep producing for me. I have some tapioca sprouting in a bucket. My pineapples are looking great. The lemon tree does its own thing. I don't even have to water or fertalize it. My garlic started peeking out from under the soil. The lettuce seedlings are breaking through as well. The gardens crowning glory is the Taro Lo'i. It looks great. We planted 2 1/2 dozen plants. It looks great and the fruit from it will last a long while!

Sunday, April 08, 2007

I attended a funeral today. I didn't know the woman personally but was asked to participate in a few musical numbers for the service. I was soooo MOVED by the entire service. I cried my eyes out today.

The story of the womans life is incredibly tragic yet TRIUMPHANT. She passed to the next world giving life to her 7th child. Her friends, her father, her siblings, and finally HER HUSBAND were pillars of strength. Just think -- that man must raise seven children without his wife. His reflections on HOW he met his wife and HOW he knew she was THE ONE had the entire congregration in stitches; in tears.

I sat there at the funeral service, listening to all the speakers and had to reflect on my husband and how he TRANSFORMS my world everyday. He is so wonderful. We have the MOST stimulating conversations about race, religion, politics, 9-11, alphabet soup agencies... LOL...

I have so much aspirations for him, for us. He allows me into his world like that... in a way I have never experienced before. I can PLAN my life, our life, like we will be together forever -- cuz WE WILL. I never have to wonder where his head is at because at the heart of our relationship is his deep committment to US and I am so grateful for that.

Though I spent my Saturday morning at such a morbid function of our human behaviour -- I was reminded of the love of my life. Today, he's my SATURDAY LOVE!!

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

Lately, I've been feeling HUNGRY for knowledge. I don't know if any of you have ever felt like that. I feel famished for NEW things to read. I read one or two books a week. Most of it -- non-fiction. Every now and again, I get a novel in but I haven't read anything that has moved me lately.

I need to stop reading books or watching movies that ALREADY CONFIRM what I believe. Rather, I should be reading things that challenge the capacity of my mind.

I'm super stimulated by all things metaphysical. I have always been that way since I was a child. On both sides of the family -- there were several women that practiced metaphysical theories which include healing, channeling, and even black magic. I would really like to develop the ability to aide in healing.

I feel like I have so little time to learn everything I want to learn. My mother and father are aging and I'm so desperate to know what they know. Both of my parents were taught some of the healing practices that my mothers mother knew and I need to learn that.

Monday, April 02, 2007

Here's a lil exercise for the readers of this blog: Open your iTunes or YahooLaunch and pull up Heather Headley, "I Wish I Wasn't In Love With You". Have that song playing in the background while you read this entry. For some reason, when I feel a lil blue -- I play that song and just write. The following is what came up.....

You just ran across my mind today. I'm wondering if you're okay. We've always had this unbelievable psychic connection. I wonder if its because of how much we used to love each other. Sure, we've gone on with our lives... and I'm doing VERY well, really! But every now and again I get a little curious. My love for you was/is unconditional and the depths went far beyond sexual.

I wonder if she loves you with complete abandon the way I used to. Should I even be wondering these things? I tried so hard for way too long. I don't think they make women like me anymore. I see women give up their marriages for far less than we did. They just walk away -- kinda like how you walked out on me -- TWICE!

I don't regret one minute of what we had.
The longing.
The waiting.
The loving.
The patience.
The pain.
The heartache.
The lustful thoughts of feeling you between my thighs.
The constant yearning in the pit of my stomach -- FOR YOU.
The wondering -- where you've been; who you've been with; did you love me; were you ever coming back;
The struggles.
The missing you.
The pain of you not needing me the way I needed you.
Wanting.Only.You.
Making love.
I don't regret one minute of what went on between us for 6 years.

I don't wanna go back to the day before we met and erase anything.
We met.
I fell in love.
I waited and waited for you to want me.
We married.
We fought.
We loved.
You left.
Two years later we were divorced.

And when we did divorce -- I felt so free. I felt like a ton of bricks had been lifted from my shoulders. You answered my wondering mind.
You.
Didn't.
Love.
Me.
and I just had to deal with it.

I wonder what you're up to. You and I were there for each other for a reason and a season. That's all. Nothing more. Nothing less. Forgive me for intruding. I just wanted to tell you....

Thursday, March 29, 2007

I stated in a PREVIOUS POST how I started my own garden. I can't tell you how fulfilling it is to get my hands dirty in the earth. I spend every spare moment in the yard pruning and maintaining the plant. The tomatoes and the bush beans yield fruit EVERY SINGLE DAY. Can you imagine that? I eat from my garden every day.

I have several bush beans in pots. As tiny as they look -- they produce every day. As they get bigger, I'll continue to move them to bigger pots. I also have some cabbage seedlings and brussel sprout seedlings going.

This is what the bush bean looks like. Didn't the Creator make this world ABSOLUTELY perfect? As always, I am so humbled by God's creations.

Get that garden started because the Federal Reserve Notes that we all work for is about to lose ALL of its value... and you'll need some food in place before it drops... get that food storage going!

**This has been a public announcement by your RESIDENT PARANOID** LOL... Fa reals yall -- like Joseph of Egypt in the Bible -- In times of abundance, save for the lean times.

Friday, March 23, 2007

I said in a recent blog how I HATED the Akaka Bill. In the halls of the U.S. Government, the Akaka Bill in its current version is called The Native Hawaiian Government Reorganization Act of 2007. I say it again: I HATE THE AKAKA BILL. To give you a brief overview, Senator Akaka introduced the Bill to gain recognition from the United States corporation for Native Hawaiians. According to Senator Akaka and his supporters, the Bill would allow for a Native Hawaiian entity to operate and negotiate with the United States corporation OR Federal Government and also with the legally termed State of Hawaii. The Native Hawaiian entity would operate on behalf of the indigenous peoples of Hawai'i and mirror other indigenous tribes within the borders of the corporate United States. ie Eskimo's in Alaska and hundreds of Native American tribes.

There are several ideas in the Akaka Bill that proponents argue will be beneficial to Hawaiians. Here are a few of them:

The Bill will begin the reconciliation process of the overthrow of the Kingdom of Hawai'i.

The Kingdom of Hawaii will gain federal recognition by the corporate United States.

The Bill will force the federal government to provide for Native Hawaiian's in the form of health care, education, employment training, economic development, childrens services, conservation programs.... etc.

If you read the actual bill (click HERE.), it gives a very brief history, in terms of U.S. treaties and Congressional Acts, of the relationship between Hawai'i and the corporate United States. For those not familiar with reading legal documents, pay close attention to the Definitions section of the document. Also, you should reference back to any act mentioned in the Bill. You MUST read the mentioned act in its ENTIRETY. In general, what you see emerging is a mess of legal prose purposely meant to discourage further research. I say, the choice is yours. For me, my mantra is KNOW THE LAW AND BE WELL DISPOSED TO USE IT.

Proponents arguments as mentioned above seem like admirable and noble. On the surface, it would seem that way. Though I could place my own spin on the ENTIRE bill and its verbage, I present my "flip" on just those three items above.

The overthrow of the Hawaiian monarchy in 1893 was masterminded by a very small minority of white American male's. Most of them Protestant missionaries or descendants of the people that came to "save the heathen's". Surprised? Their greed and appetite for land and power and the subjugation of the Hawaiian race orchestrated the events that led to the overthrow of Queen Lili'uokalani (pictured above). It has been just over a hundred years since the OVERTHROW and today's politicians purport to be apologetic. They tout that this bill will RECONCILE and heal the indigenous people of Hawai'i. How? How does a legal document create this magnificent change? A legal document cannot change behavior nor erase the wrong-doings of the past.

Why would federal recognition be good for kanaka maoli (Hawaiian people)? I assume that people look to the federal government for the "handouts" that come with federal recognition. As I mentioned above, the Bill wants to introduce federally sponsored health care, education, employment training, etc. You get the picture. I have several issues with this.

1. It is reminiscent of the 10 Pillars or 10 Measures of Communism as outlined by Marx and Engels. Go google it folks! You'll be alarmed at how many current U.S. Laws are in harmony with Communist thought. All our freedoms will be wiped from our memory's if we continue to progress down this road. Anyway... free handouts is not my idea of a self-determined nation.

2. The legal verbage in the actual Bill suggest that kanaka maoli (Hawaiian People) are native American's. NO!!!! Hawaiians are NOT native American. Hawai'i is NOT a part of the continental United States and federal recognition would put kanaka maoli in this category.

3. Finally, what has federal recognition done for the Indian Nations that exist in the United states? Native Americans are the MOST regulated group of people. If that is the model for what this Bill sees for Hawaiians, I don't wany ANY parts of it! THE END.

To tie this all back together, my final conclusion is that the AKAKA Bill smells like a pair of funky socks on a hot summer day after playing 3 hours worth of basketball. Nothing good can come of the funky, ole Native Hawaiian Government Reorganization Act of 2007. Get rid of it. Kick it out. Kick it WAYYYY out. Get in touch with your congressional representative and ASK them to REJECT this bill. VOTE NO!!! I don't want any parts of it.

Monday, March 19, 2007

I got Grey's Anatomy in the mail on Friday.... the first five episodes. I watched the entire disc on Saturday evening on my i.Mac while husband monopolized the TV in the living room.

Anyway, I probably couldn't give you a review like folks that get paid to do it so I'll spare you my take on it.... or maybe not. LOL.

So there's a hoe that parades around like Miss Innocent. She's "surgeon royalty"... her mother was a pioneer in surgery. There's a "super model" type girl that is trying to shatter the stereotype. She does a great job. I really like her character. There's an Asian doctor -- love her character to death. There's the "nazi", ironically, she's a Black woman -- and she's GREAT!!! i love her character as well.

In just five episodes, I already know the ENTIRE cast and love little things about each of them. I love George O'Malley. His character is such a cutie. In high school, he would have been the guy I was secretly chasing.

Saturday, March 17, 2007

I hate that Hawaiian people are living on the beach while foreign investors over-develop what little land is left... cause the property taxes to SKY-ROCKET and cause the "host culture" to be displaced in our own land.

I hate that Hawaiian "blood" will continue to dissipate.

I hate that the UNITED STATES federal government wants to "qualify" Hawaiians.

I hate the Akaka Bill!!!!!

I despise the Department of Land and Natural Resources.

I hate American "nature conservationists". All they want from Hawai'i is to place more and more "conservation" land INTO the jurisdiction of the United States federal government.

I truly despise the thought of my children and the rest of my posterity having to defend this land and keep the foreigners away from land ownership.

I hate that my generation is lulled by a false sense of security that all will be well -- when OBVIOUSLY our rights, our lands and our freedom is continually being stripped from us. WAKE UP!!!

I hate ignorance!

The other day a caucasian male told me that Hawaiian's should "get over" the overthrow of the Hawaiian Kingdom. It is exactly this attitude that fuels my anger toward foreigners. I'm amazed that he felt he could speak on it.

I hate that a FOREIGN legal system has been imposed on Hawaiian people and my people are ignorant to the ways to navigate through the legal fodder.

I hate that the prisons are filled with Pacific Island people.

I don't want to assimilate into mainstream American culture!!!

I hate that foreigners have NO concept of Hawaiian values and want to impose their own values instead of adopting ours.

Revolution!!! Protest all that is WRONG! Wake up and DO SOMETHING!!! Get involved. Grass Roots is where its at.

Friday, March 16, 2007

Water, directed by Deepa Mehta. I have just added this film to my Movie Favorites list. I was so moved by this film. The mixture of child-like moments and dramatic realism had me laughing and hurting and crying. The stunning visuals of life in India for a widow in the 1930's captivated my interest from the beginning. The culture is so unlike my own, however I can connect with each characters blind faith in religion, culture and tradition.

There is an overwhelming sadness from the beginning of the film that leads up to a bittersweet ending. The film follows a brood of a dozen or so widows as they try to maintain their Hindi lifestyle as it pertains to widows. Widows are considered outcasts and according to Hindu Religious Texts, they must remain so until their death.

The gnawing ache in my stomach, as I watched this film, is that each and every widow could have escaped their fate by just walking away. They were so bound by tradition and culture and religion that they truly believed that God wanted them to suffer so. It is true with women across the globe. We don't have to submit to society's stereotype on what a woman should be. Break free and live YOUR authentic life! (Isn't that the buzz word? Authentic!)

Anyway, movies are a huge market in India. I hear that it dwarfs Hollywood. That means I have a lot of pleasurable movie-going for me in the future. I've watched a few Chinese movies and was equally impressed. The foreign market is definitely where "ITS" at. Foreign films and older films have become my respite. For me, American cinema is just plain WACK! I can't describe it in any other terms. It's sorry! I'm glad Netflix has such a wide variety of foreign films.

So anyway, Ladies... if you're looking for something REALLY good to watch... step away from Lifetime and hunt this film down. It was well worth my time.

Sometimes, I'll be sitting quietly somewhere and suddenly just KNOW something. It's like the TV Show, That's So Raven... knowledge just comes to me.... suddenly and abruptly. It's hard to have the burden of knowing truth because the flip side is KNOWING when someone is lying.

I can hear conversations with no one around me. And I don't actually hear voices. In fact, the only voice I hear is my own. However, it could be a couple hours later or days or even weeks... and snippets of the conversation I heard comes right back to me and I instantly KNOW what's next. This is the hard part... and the part where the lying happens. When that person deviates from what is supposed to happen. I have never been wrong. If they deviate from it and I tell them different. They get a shocked look on their face then deny it.

Saturday, March 03, 2007

I took a test on Tickle.com about the subconscious mind. At first, I was quite surprised with the results but I've become quite aware of its truthfulness. It said that I was preoccupied with family issues.

I've said it time and again that my mother and I have ALWAYS battled. She's very critical of me. In turn, I've treated her in the same manner. I mirror her behavior. Do you know that she said that I should be the bigger person and STOP being so critical instead of her doing it.

I believe that this is the reason I had such a hard time when my mother was on the brink of death. I couldn't let her go because I hadn't resolved any of the issues I had with her. I don't know if I'll ever be able to resolve any of it. She's not really open to it. However, I know I can just put our prior relations in the past and let it drop.

Don't get me wrong. On the surface, it would appear to the general public that my mother and I are quite close. This is not the case. Out of duty I cater to her needs. I cook for her. Clean her house for her. I take her where she needs to go. Whatever she needs -- I am there. That's the surface. On an emotional level -- we DO NOT connect. I don't know how to correct this. I've sat down with her and had OPEN & HONEST communication. It hasn't done anything to transform the relationship.

When she attacks me and criticizes me -- I just swallow it; stand up and walk away. That's all I can do. Due to her physical ailments, the easiest thing to do is BOUNCE. **heavy sigh**

I hope to never, ever pass on this relationship to my daughters.... whenever they come along.... soon!

Wednesday, February 28, 2007

My new iMac arrived today. I haven't owned an Apple computer since the early 90's... when I was just starting college. Lawdie it seems like yesterday. The coolest thing I've found, so far, is that there is no CPU. You just plug this bad boy in and you're ready to go. The monitor IS the CPU. I bought me a lil iPod Shuffle to go with it. I will probably use the iPod only at the gym.

I don't really know what some of the GREATEST features are with this computer. I have only heard good things about an iMac. So I'm wondering -- what are your opinions about the iMac? I'm anxious to find out what this computer has the capacity to do.

I've been adjusting to how you navigate on this computer. I had the toughest time trying to find the internet. Goodness gracious, while the PC "surfs", iMac goes on a "safari". Interesting. I understand what Apple is trying to do. They're trying to revamp and redefine language, so as to create NEW colloquial terms. I get it. That's a subtle marketing tool.

I'm impressed with how clear the graphics are. However, I miss my "right click" abilities. The apple mouse DOES NOT right click.... or does it come with an enhanced version of "right click"? For me, I save a lot of images from the internet. The loss of the "right click" function almost brings my saving pictures to a stand still. **sigh** Maybe I just have to change how I do it.

I'm digging the built-in cam. I've already been playing with my photo booth. It's really fun. The built-in speakers puts out really nice sound. And just the look is so modern... so very classy! I love it. I just have to get used to doing things a different way.

Saturday, February 24, 2007

I watched Funny Girl starring Barbra Streisand, the other day. I ABSOLUTELY loved it! It was kinda long and certain scenes dragged on but for the most part I thoroughly enjoyed it. Barbra ALWAYS selects roles that portray her as ALL BRAINS, LITTLE BEAUTY. I think it's endearing and my mind works much the same way. When you get a free minute, you should go watch it.

When I was growing up, I didn't feel like a beautiful child. Everyone ooh'd and ahhh'd at my cute, fat cheeks and my curly hair and that was the extent of that. Sure, I was a pretty smart girl with an extremely quick temper and I was quite athletic... could play the piano and still do so on occasion. The funny thing is that I'm truly grateful for all the talents I have and the wonderful brain that sits between my ears. I'm even grateful for the great, big, compassionate heart that beats in my chest HOWEVER I just want to be the girl that turns heads when I walk into a room. And they look and stare because of my beauty.

In high school, I was a popular girl because I was all those things above... and I was a sweetheart and was a star athlete. That's all fine and dandy. Really! But I want folks to look at me and think -- "Wow! She's gorgeous!" And then when they get to know me, they'd whisper how graceful I am. I'm tired of being fat, FUNNY GIRL.

My mother has said some VERY hurtful things to me and continues to do so now. The one thing that she's always told me is, "You would be so pretty if you weren't so fat." The phrase haunts me. Here I am, halfway through my Thirty-First year and I'm still plagued by those hurtful words. My fathers brother had all the fat jokes in the world for me. Both grandmothers used to quip at how big I am. It seems that even with all the brains in the world and all the talents and the pleasant personality I possessed; with all my sports achievement, ultimately, the only thing anyone ever noticed was how fat I was.

I've learned to dodge the fat jokes, laugh at them and even throw in a few of my own. As I write this, I realize more and more that I don't have to accept and adopt everyone's perception of me. Really, I should define myself and tell everyone who I am! However, I still revert back to that wounded fat child. I look in the mirror and wonder why everyone decided that I should be the nice, fat, FUNNY GIRL. I've allowed them to define me for wayyy too long. Who I am should be a reflection of what I see in the mirror and how I feel about myself. I DECIDE!

I've been better in the last couple of years. I've really learned to LOVE the woman I've become. I am really comfortable in my own skin. I am a very eloquent, loving, old school kinda woman. The kinda woman that my husband couldn't wait to take home to his mama. I cherish that! I LOVE being the kind of woman that my husband can COMPLETELY rely on. I love being me -- with all my flaws and all my talents and am worthy of all the gifts I receive from the Creator. He made me in his own image. I should be so lucky!

Thursday, February 22, 2007

I've been writing more and more in my journal rather than on this blog. There's something about handwriting something that makes my creative juices really flow. I know I've read or heard somewhere about the connection between the two.

Most of my entries have been about how grateful I am for the life I have, for the husband that shares my universe, for the WONDERFUL family I have. I just can't see my life without any of it. I've been voicing my aspirations as a form of "pre-writing" my history. I decide! As I said in a previous post -- MY UNIVERSE IS DELIBERATE!

Thursday, February 08, 2007

The Hawai'i Boy Lt. Ehren Watada is outta the woods for now. HOOOOORAY!!! I love that he challenges the status quo. Guess what folks? Know the law and be well disposed to use it. That's really ALL that it takes. If you know ALL of your rights, no one can "jerk" you around. Seriously, that's what Huey and Bobby was preachin' back in the day. They knew the weapons laws on the books in California and were able to gague their approach on social change.

IMAGINE! Imagine what kinda country we'd live in if EVERYONE actually sat down and studied the laws that govern them. Ignorance of the law is DEFINITELY NOT adequate defense in the judicial system. It would actually be in your favor to study it.

Everyone has an opinion on the Watada situation. I admire him for the undertaking. Simply put -- BRILLIANT.... and I support him. He's a TRUE PATRIOT.

Sunday, February 04, 2007

I started a garden today. I didn't just buy some potted plants and put it out in the yard. I actually bought some seeds and started some seedlings.

I am so fortunate to be the daughter of "green thumb" parents. Both moms and pops have extensive experience in raising and maintaining plants.

I want to grow my own food! Why, you might ask, am I attempting to grow my own food? There are several reasons that I'd like to list for you that will hopefully spur you into action as well.

Reason #1: GROWING my own veggies is cheaper.I was walking through the produce section of the local grocery store and read quite an interesting sign. It said that produce will be very, very expensive in the coming months due to the unexpected frozen conditions in California. Nuff said.

Reason #2: I'm going ORGANIC... I'm attempting to turn some of my eating habits organic. GROWING my own veggies is safer for consumption. The bottom line is that commercialy grown produce is fraught with dangerous pesticides that ARE NOT safe for pregnant women and children to consume... or any mammal with a pulse. That's right! The fruit is good for you but the pesticides used in raising the fruit is not. Hmmm... does that sound right to you? Pesticides probably leads to cancer as well.

Reason #3: I will MAKE my family self reliant. As a nation, we are so addicted to oil. Commercial farming is reliant on oil to produce food. The heavy equipment used to plant and harvest requires oil. The machinery used to sort and clean fresh produce requires oil. The vehicles used to move the fresh produce from factory to distributor uses oil/fuel. You get where I'm going with this? With rising fuel costs, I'm not gonna wait around for the produce departments to go bare. I'm making my family self reliant. We will NOT starve!

Reason #4: Connecting with MOTHER EARTH! I relish the thought of being so close to earth and reaping the benefits of growing my own food. It is the ultimate science experiment to actually watch Mother Nature "do her thang".

I have a general understanding of how it all works. Seed to plant to fruit to harvest. Well, at least I think I do. However, I don't think ONE can get a complete picture of the process without actually doing it.

I listened to my father lecture husband and I on how it all works and pops was just so poetic about it. I was amazed. It was a beautiful thing! I mean he broke it down on how the seed INHERENTLY searches for light and how starting seedlings in the dark is best because of that reason. He talked about the full moon and how it controls the rise and fall of the water on the planet and why it's best to plan during a full moon... because a plants roots will NOT have to reach deep down in the earth to get water -- the water is already waiting. You don't get that wise WITHOUT actually experimenting on the "word"!

I started a garden today. Cabbage. Brussel Sprouts. Bush Beans. Once I get that started and in the earth, I'm tackling an herb garden replete with garlic, scallions, rosemary, basil and cilantro. I'm so excited.

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?All of the AMERICAN people... your apathy kills me!!!

14. Where did most of your money go?Education!

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?My husbands EXTREME growth in all things spiritual.

16. What song/album will always remind you of 2006?I don't even know... probably Beyonce's, "Irreplaceable".

17. What do you wish you'd done more of?Read & Write

18. What do you wish you'd done less of?Less TV. Less internet.

19. Did you fall in love in 2006?I fall in love with my husband every other week... maybe more frequent than that. LOL... I get all flustered when I think about him. mmm mmm good!!!

20. Favorite book of 2006Angels & Demons was pretty good.

21. What was your favourite TV program?Man vs. Wild on Discovery... House Hunters on HGTV

22. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?I try not to harbor any animosity but there's this one lady...

23. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?A deep tissue massage! My Aunt is a masseuse -- she lives outside of Dallas and she's come to Hawai'i a few times and I STILL haven't gotten my massage. LOL...

24. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2006.Trust in HIM!

25. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year?Tim McGraw... Live Like You Were Dying... I listen to this song when I need an infusion of ENERGY and love for life."I went skydiving. I went rocky mountain climbing. I went two-point-seven seconds on a bull named Fu Man Chu. And I loved deeper and I spoke sweeter and I gave forgiveness I've been denying. And he said, Someday I hope you get the chance to Live Like You Were Dying."

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

I grew up at the foot of these mountains, climbed it's easiest hills and explored her untouched beauty. I understand now why men leave their possessions to seek serenity in the mountains. One can truly center himself in the quiet solitude of nature.

The climb was steep but so invigorating. I wish I could capture my impressions as I walked through the forest. The Ironwood tree's weeped such a sad song. As the winds blew threw her branches, I felt her strange sadness and could hear her speak her pain. Trees and plants are so honest. They have nothing to hide.

My digital camera and video camera were intruders in a world so unspoiled by man. As I forged deeper into her valley, I began to feel so close to mother earth. Birds sang haunting tunes of sorrow. Their melodies were the only sound piercing the quiet still of the forest and I marched in time.

My senses were heightened as I inhaled such fresh air. The sound of trickling water soothed any ill thoughts and feelings that I had entered the forest with. The three hour trek through the mountains felt like a magnificent hug. Like Mother Earth had wrapped her arms around me and confirmed the path I choose to walk on. I have so much to learn. I am so humbled by the grand universe and how I am but a speck in her vastness and yet, I know my life has meaning.

I am so grateful to have been a witness of the Creator's beauty today. Can a work of art be created spontaneously? Hardly! My universe is deliberate!

Sunday, January 07, 2007

Beware the leader who bangs the drums of war in order to whip the citizenry into a patriotic fervor, for patriotism is indeed a double-edged sword. It both emboldens the blood, just as it narrows the mind. And when the drums of war have reached a fever pitch and the blood boils with hate and the mind has closed, the leader will have no need in seizing the rights of the citizenry. Rather, the citizenry, infused with fear and blinded by patriotism, will offer up all of their rights unto the leader and gladly so. How do I know? For this is what I have done. And I am Caesar."

That quote applies today. Since Dubya entered the White House, he has done NOTHING but "bang the drums of war" with "patriotic fervor". America -- WAKE UP!! All our RIGHTS, endowed by the creator, are being stripped of us... and we continue to allow it to happen.

The more I master my weaknesses, the more my destiny is uncovered. My life reveals itself... one step at a time. As I prove to God and the Universe that I'm FULLY capable of conquering the things that would halt my development, the more HE grants me vision into what I am.

Life is PROGRESSION and the laws are the same across the board. Each of us will repeat the same lesson over and over until it is learned. Remember that movie Groundhog Day, where Bill Murray plays a reporter that repeats the same day OVER and OVER. Our lives are similar to that. The scenery might change. The people might change but the LESSON repeats itself... until YOU change. The final chapters in the movie Bill Murray changes his approach to the repetitive day. Instead of his NORMAL, pessimistic antics, he transforms into a man that is GENUINELY interested in people and the outcome of their lives.

I haven't seen that movie in years but I've never forgotten the impressions I felt while watching that movie. Life is PROGRESSION! Learn the lesson then God and the Universe can graduate you to the next level.

Much of the last year I've spent shouting REVOLUTION. I long to raise the worlds level of consciousness where CHANGE is possible. I don't want the contention that comes with revolution however, it may be inevitable. As I've stated in a previous post, my weakness is that I MUST have an antagonist in the story of my life. The sad thing is -- that most people MUST have the opposition to attain the heights of their potential. I want to flourish because that is the natural path I am led to, not because I am motivated to outrun my enemy.

Life is PROGRESSION. What I have today is a result of what I did yesterday. If I want to change tomorrow -- I must change what I do today.