Do Divorced Dads Get a Raw Deal?

Tom Matlack argues that guys get unfair treatment when they divorce. What do you think?

My friend Pedro taught me pretty much everything I know about being a dad. We both had big houses, important jobs, and angry wives with whom our relationships came to a sudden end. We also had kids; I had two, he had three. He had twins roughly the same age as my kids at the time, 1 and 3. He also had an older adopted daughter, Janet, confined to a wheelchair and with very limited verbal skills.

In the beginning I had no idea how to take care of my babies during my weekends with them, so I watched Pedro with his two toddlers and a special needs child. He did it with patience, joy, and perseverance. From him, I learned to roll up my sleeves and get dirty and treasure the smallest moment of bonding, with my own children and, eventually, others I met along the way.

In the end, Pedro’s ex-wife pursued a job out of state. She went to court to take Pedro’s twins away from him and, having no desire to have anything to do with a special needs child, left him with Janet. Pedro, an attorney, defended his own case—and lost. For the last decade he has seen his twins only on appointed weekends and has been Janet’s primary caregiver.

Dan is a bonds salesman. He lives in Massachusetts, where alimony has no expiration, and has three kids. After his divorce his ex-wife took up with another man, who moved into Dan’s old house with his kids. His ex didn’t marry her boyfriend—she wanted to continue the generous financial arrangement set forth in the terms of the divorce.

Dan got remarried and decided his only means of financial survival would be to quit his job. Eventually Dan hired an attorney who brokered a new agreement that put a time limit on the alimony terms. His ex-wife eventually married her boyfriend—but Dan, who’d been out of work for a year, had no choice but to get a job out of town, away from his kids.

Do dads get screwed in divorce? The stories of these two men, both close friends of mine, reinforced my own personal experience and led me to believe that the answer is, frankly, yes. But we wanted to hear what you think. Here’s what some readers have written in; please add your story in the comment section.

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Men absolutely, and often, get the short end of the stick financially in divorce. There is a big myth out there that men make out like bandits in divorce, and women get left in poverty. This is completely untrue. Ironically, it is this myth that causes women to resist fathers having more parenting time, as the less time the child is with Dad, the more money Mom gets. So fathers get the shaft twice: their time with their children is limited, and they get to pay for being pushed out of their children’s lives.

When I was presenting a workshop at a national judges’ conference I asked those judges whether there was bias in family courts during divorce. Their answer: Yes, but usually it’s against women, not men. Their reasoning makes perfect sense. Society expects mothers, not fathers, to be the natural nurturers. So, if Mom falls just a bit short of the ideal parent, we unconsciously penalize her. In contrast, if Dad changes a couple of poopy diapers, we unconsciously give him extra credit. So if that’s true, then why do mothers more often have custody? The judges explained that it’s not the court’s bias against fathers. It’s men’s bias against fatherhood and dads who run away from their responsibility. Those are the ones who are skewing the numbers. It’s the men who fight paternity or who are abusive who are making responsible fathers and husbands look bad. The fact of the matter is, when men actually want and ask for custody, they are much more successful than some would have us believe.

—Scott Hampton, director, Ending the Violence

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Too often judges and even lawyers have resigned themselves to stereotypes and a perpetuation of the status quo. The result is that the judicial system is prone to assume without proof that the mom should get the kids, that men accused of abuse are guilty of abuse, and, conversely, that men alleging abuse are lying or overreacting.

—Joseph Cordell, attorney, founder, Cordell & Cordell

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I married a guy with less education and in the end I had to pay him both child and spousal support. I know it’s a double standard, but a guy working the system to take support from a woman still feels wrong to me, especially because many items are not taken into account. For example, I have a large amount of student loans but as those were in my name only, none of that was part of the settlement and the payments were not discounted from my salary. In this case I got penalized for bettering myself and he got paid for having a lower earning potential.

—Shelly Walker, marketing director, mother

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Unfortunately, I do believe that dads get screwed during divorce. After describing my divorce to people, they are always shocked at how my ex and I did it so evenly. In the past, men left the marriage first, leaving the wife “helpless” with society feeling bad for her. His payment for the hurt was the house, the kids, and a significant part of his paycheck. Despite today’s new independent woman, men are still expected to pay.

—Monica Cost, mother of two boys

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While the court system claims gender neutrality, the reality is much different. Not only do men have to face the financial ramifications that come with divorce but also have to fight against social prejudice in regard to their children. Fatherhood is the single most important relationship a man can have, and this idea that women are automatically considered better caretakers needs to be examined. Who’s to decide that a woman is a better parent than a man, or that the role a father plays in his child’s life is somehow secondary to that of a mother?

I would say that women get screwed far worse than men in a divorce. The only way men get screwed is if they are the ones who are raising the kids—which is rare.

—divorced mother of two

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Like many other divorced fathers, my voice has been silenced and discouraged by the actions of the courts and my former spouse. We lived in two different cities during the separation when I was trying to get my sons. The process was challenging and expensive. It took more than two years and thousands of dollars to get a standard visitation process, but any small victories along the way gave me hope.

One of the most discouraging aspects is the court system’s focus on the money, not the time, especially if you have a high-profile profession such as a medical doctor. For example, my financial support when first divorced was based on a military officer’s pay, but when I went into residency for specialty medical training after the military, my income dropped over 50 percent. I petitioned the court to lower it until I graduated, but instead, they said I owed more for back pay for my son’s school—the money I was sending “didn’t count.” I was shocked but kept going. When I became a specialized surgeon, the court swiftly raised my support. This has been a 12-year battle, and I’ve seen my kids once in the past three years. My hope is that once they are adults, we can develop a relationship.

My husband was tracked down to pay child support when he didn’t have custody. However, when he got custody of his children and the child support order was switched to his ex-wife it wasn’t as stringent. She went one year without paying. Every time he called the court they couldn’t understand how he could possibly have custody, let alone get support from her. They wouldn’t help him. The courts are not designed to favor fathers.

—Brenda Velasco, Biola University

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My ex-wife told the courts I beat her and the kids, and the judge threw me out and gave custody to her. The child psychologist determined it was a total lie, but the judge still gave my ex full custody. One by one, when reaching the age to choose, the kids came to live with me. When they arrived they were failing every class in school and two had arrest records. One by one I helped them turn their lives around. One is in the Army and served tours in Iraq and Afghanistan. One is married and in college, and the two youngest are in college. For almost a year I have been trying to collect child support for the youngest. I have no attorney, I lost my house, and I am essentially homeless. I did right by my kids and it cost me everything. There is no justice in America and there is no such thing as fathers’ rights.

—Phil Petree, 53, father of four

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Fathers are screwed if and when they fall into the drama games on the part of mothers, which are really tactics used to frustrate fathers. Fathers are screwed if they fail to understand that if they do not do the work and educate and empower themselves they will remain victims to the system and their children’s mothers. I have far too many success stories—including mine (I won custody of my then-7-year-old daughter nine years ago)—to believe that men have to be victims to the system.

—Eric Legette, founder, Fathers With Voices

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It’s been well documented, and reflected in the courts, that children are best served when they have equal and open access to both parents. Add to that a Harris poll reports that “breaking ranks with their fathers, 71 percent of men between the ages of 21 and 39 would give up some of their pay to spend more time with their family.” Given those societal changes, if a father shows he’s been a caring, present, accountable, and responsible parent, especially since the separation, there is an excellent chance that he will be granted joint custody.

In most cases, the court will sign off on whatever agreement the divorcing couple brings to them. However, if the parents are “at war” with each other the situation shifts; the court becomes the “adult” and makes a decision for the family and might side more with the mother. The true key to achieving to a fair and just custody agreement, one that keeps the father in the kids’ life, is if mom and dad can collaborate with each other and put their anger and hurt aside for the benefit of the children.

—Paul Mandelstein, founder, AlwaysDad

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During the process, I certainly felt that the supposedly “unbiased” system treated me in a blatantly biased way. At times, the judge went out of his way to suggest to my ex what she should ask for as well as on how she should respond to certain questions. Although she’d moved out of the house two months before custody had been decided, and that my parents and I had raised our first child while she finished her last year and a half of school, the judge insisted that she was “closer” to both children. It clearly was his biased opinion rather than based on anything objective.

—Jeff, community college professor, father of two

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The reason men feel that they are not fairly treated is often borne out by statistics. For example, 85 percent of non-custodial or non-primary residential parents are men who typically see their children only two out of 14 days. In addition, 40 percent of America’s children will spend at least part of their childhood without their fathers living together with them. This translates to over 21 million children.

There is definitely cultural paranoia about each side having an advantage. Women think men have the advantage because, for example, it is hard to support the average family on a small percentage of the non-custodial parent’s income. If Dad earns $2,500 net and there is one child, in many jurisdictions Mom would only get $500 for support. Understandably that feels unfair to her, as clearly she might need more to support a child.

—Judge Michele Lowrance, child of divorce, divorced mother, author

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In 1985, in Florida, in the middle of a protracted divorce and custody battle over my two children, I was accused of molesting my then 3-and-a-half-year-old daughter, who is now 29. I was arrested, spent two weeks in jail for a crime I did not commit, and went on to spend $150,000 over 10 years of litigation in six different courts in an attempt to reclaim my paternal rights. The ordeal induced me to author three books on how to protect men from false accusations of child sexual abuse, become an activist for parents’ rights, run for office in Florida, speak and give media interviews on this subject matter nationally, go on to obtain my master’s degree in Psychology and the Law, and become a noted expert in this field.

—Dean Tong, forensic trial consultant/expert,

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While my (then) wife and I never made it to the courtroom, I believe that the court system had a material impact on our divorce process. We attempted to work amicably with a single mediator in order to control costs, and as a soon-to-be single father, I lived in fear that my time with my children would be jeopardized; I also feared a crippling financial obligation. It soon became clear from the attorneys that my fears were founded. Whether it was my wife’s attorney’s attitude toward divorcing men or my attorney’s siege mentality, the message was reinforced that I was the underdog and was not expected to survive this next chapter of my life. The unexpected benefit of all this was that it, and the well-being of my children (then 6 and 1), drove me to do all I could to reach a fair settlement with my now ex-wife OUTSIDE the courtroom. Having accomplished that, I’m proud to say that six years later, my children are happy and well adjusted and enjoy the fact that their parents and new stepparents are friends and partners in raising them today.

—Michael, finance professional

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My ex had all the access in the world to his daughter, but he chose to completely avoid her once the new wife came on board. I’ve tried every way I can to get him to reconnect with his beautiful, loving, smart, and extremely capable child, but no luck. He didn’t even call her for her 21st birthday. It’s such an odd and devastating thing. I often wonder how this emotional abandonment will affect her long-term relationships. I know there are quite a few women out there who have experienced the same heartbreak for their children.

—Marianne O’Hare, publicist/producer

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Most men, unfortunately, do get screwed from women who are bitter and choose to use their kids as tools to hold against the fathers. As a woman who has been a single mom for over 19 years, I could be the first one to be bitter, and yet I am friends with both dads today. I truly, in my heart, do not understand women who have such hatred towards men whom they fell in love with once upon a time. Let’s be honest—it takes two to make it work and two to break it, so why be so angry at the other person? Both sides fail, but the children should never be victims.

I hope there are new laws that protect the fathers who want to be a part of their children’s lives and are not only seen as money machines for some of these women who are just too damn lazy and spoiled to go make their own money. For any woman who abuses her status as a mom and hurts her own children to punish her ex, I feel sorry for her because her own kids will turn against her when they get older.

—Helen Georgaklis, single mom

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Most states have gender-neutral laws; however, everyone knows that in practice fathers are not treated the same as mothers. From my experience in the courtroom, judges definitely prefer mothers. Dads get custody usually only when the mother has done something that makes her distasteful in the judge’s eyes or if the dad was a stay-at-home dad who was the primary caregiver. Courts are supposed to make custody decisions based upon what is in the child’s best interests, and of course that is a standard that doesn’t set up a 50/50 custody split.

—Brette Sember, former divorce attorney, author

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My sincere advice is to do whatever you can to get full joint legal and custodial rights, even if it means your children having to split their time equally between parents. Many psychologists advise against this and say the child should have a primary residence, but it is a slippery slope and in the end causes much more damage to the children if you are left out of their lives.

My divorce process began when I became aware of my ex-wife’s alcohol addiction. I could not jeopardize the health and safety of my two children, and when interventions and rehab centers could not help her out, it was time to end the marriage. During the divorce proceedings in 2003, my ex-wife’s addiction was mentioned and the judge told me, “Mr. McLeod, as of 3:00 today, you are the sole guardian of your children.” I was filled with mixed emotions; I knew my kids would be safe in my care, but I had no idea how to do this alone.

My divorce was finalized in 2005 and, tragically, in 2007, my ex-wife passed away unexpectedly. I discovered very few outlets that catered to single parents, let alone single fathers, and it inspired me to create a website designed specifically for single parents, as well as write a book describing my experiences and offering some tips to becoming a successful single parent.

I went through my divorce 13 years ago when I was 26. My ex was 27 and decided that he no longer wanted to be married and walked out on me and my son, who was only 10 months old at the time. He did not help financially with anything—not even food or diapers. Even though my ex left me for a 16-year-old, I did not screw him financially like most women would; all I got was child support and that is all he has paid all these years. For me it is principle. I believe that we should all try to do the right thing and give each other a chance to start over and do what is fair, no matter the circumstances.

[…] Do Divorced Dads Get a Raw Deal? – The Good Men Project – Tom Matlack argues that guys get unfair treatment when they divorce. What do you think? My friend Pedro taught me pretty much everything I know about being a dad. … […]

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Rocky

5 months 13 days ago

Watch the documentary “Divorce Corp” then decide how you feel about all of this.

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Joseph DiGiovanna

5 months 23 days ago

Practice “JURY NULLIFACTION”, Then These Judges Can Start Looking For New Employment!

Thanks for this forum.
I just started uploading my experience of life through being with the wrong person, the worst-case scenario actually and have started posting the horrors of what i’ve been going through for seventeen years (17), read about it at kentozen.com, and tell me I shouldn’t write a book. I posted part 1 of 10 parts, more to come because its not over yet 🙁

I got screwed out of being a Dad to my Daughter during a Five and a half year custody battle, where I was just trying to be my kids Dad and to be the best Father I could be, and I did the best I could for as long as I could, while my former spouse pulled (literally almost) Evert trick “in the book” (so to speak) — falsely accusing me on at least five different times and making over 40 false statements to the court and/or its officials: who were too busy stuffing their pockets with Cash to care… Read more »

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Denys

4 years 1 month ago

I need urgent help. The lawyers don’t seem to be able to resold this case. My x wife worked for the SAPS and she knew all the laws and she used in my lack of knowledge of the law . I signed agreement documents and now I must provide her with a house that cost me what most people wish to pay each month and she can stay there with her boyfriend, husband, girlfriend who ever she wants to stay with in that house for as long as I live. The lawyers tell me that the high court do not… Read more »

[…] This comment was by Steved on the post “Do Divorced Dads Get a Raw Deal?“ […]

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steved

4 years 6 months ago

Haven’t seen my kids in five years. They live on one coast I live another. She took the kids then violated a court order and did it again. In the end I just gave up. The best outcome I could see at that point was her in jail. The worst was much more troubling. I don’t know how I got through the first few years but I did. At first we talked on the phone everyday but as time passed one and then other child didn’t want to talk to me. I can’t blame them. There was no real hope… Read more »

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Kevin St. Germain

4 years 7 months ago

My wife was and is a phycho. We were married for 17 years when she decided to have affairs. I didn’t know the guys were under age until 2 years after the divorce. We had 3 children from the marriage. My oldest son at the time was 14, and came to me about catching his mom e-mailing men and having sex talk with them over her headset while the children were there. She homeschooled the children while getting her early childhood degree from college. While the children were at the homeschool site, she would meet up with them and have… Read more »

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nunya

4 years 8 months ago

I am divorcing my ex, the mother of my two beautiful children. This is the kind of woman that makes every interaction as difficult as humanly possible. I live in louisiana, i’m 29 years old, my kids are 5 and two. I know how to care for them, have established a seperate and accomodating household, and i want them terribly. The only thing keeping me from having them is her. She keeps them from me for several reasons. First, very simply, money. Second to cause me pain. When i do have my babies my oldest immediately starts asking me questions… Read more »

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Jessica

4 years 9 months ago

During the divorce my husband wanted 50/50, but the ex-wife did not agree. They hired a GAL and he also agreed that it should be 50/50, but the judge disagreed. My husband fought and fought for his rights as a father and the judge just would not give him time. Now because of that he is devastated that he can’t spend time with his daughter (he does get 30%) and has to pay more in child support even though we struggle more than the mother. It just doesn’t make sense to me!

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Will

4 years 10 months ago

My wife decided to divorce me after 17 years. We separated two years ago and the divorce is not yet finalized partially because of the changes to pension regulations in Ontario. I get a raw deal because I make twice as much money as her, and because she has to support our kids, she gets the house, spousal support, and child support. Now I make about $10K LESS than she does net. She wanted the divorce but made me initiate it formally. I found out that the person I married was not at all that person, it was mainly an… Read more »

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Robert Bradfield

5 years 17 days ago

I am a divorced father of 2 girls in Michigan. As much as I hate to say this state hates dads. I have been honest about everything I am supposed to be abd had never missed a child support payment. When I became disabled, everyone and their mother tried to have me thrown in jail. My ex got an attorney to div me. She and her lawyer scheduled the hearing on my birthday. I paid her over 4000 in support before it was even ordered. They gave her the house I served my country for the loan forit, 3 cars,… Read more »

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Screwedtwice

5 years 1 month ago

Men are screwed from the very beginning. In my case my ex-spouse wanted her own life and I fought against a divorce for 2 years and I finally gave in. At the hearing I was instructed to pay more than I could afford, but that did not matter. I barely survived for 4 years after that and when I remarried I was much better off when my children grew up. Now my second spouse has put her mother and family first over our marriage and has decided on a period of separation. I have a child with her and it… Read more »

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Anna Minus

5 years 3 months ago

I know not all fathers are useless parents, but this: “In the beginning I had no idea how to take care of my babies during my weekends with them, ” says a lot about why judges might have a bias towards mothers as caregivers. No, it’s not an absolute truth, there are many mothers who are usless as well. The stereotype exists for a reason. Stop whining. Grow up and act like adults. Once the majority of men start acting like caregivers without being *forced* to, judges will come around to treating parents fairly. How often do we hear men… Read more »

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The Blurpo

4 years 3 months ago

“Stop whining. Grow up and act like adults. Once the majority of men start acting like caregivers without being *forced* to, judges will come around to treating parents fairly. How often do we hear men talk about ‘babysitting’ their own children? Wake up, please. This is almost comical.” Whining? grow up? comical? social tragedy are comical and you think you can solve it with the grow up? man up? I think this is the problem men face, social hostility from men and women. If men are struggling they get the ‘ grow up’ rutine. You know what I think? I… Read more »

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New Show Seeks Divorced Dads

5 years 8 months ago

The company that brings you, A Baby Story, Whose Wedding is it Anyway, Mystery Diagnosis… is now seeking Couples Willing to Share Their Stories for a groundbreaking new show. Coming soon to a major cable network, this new television series will explore the psychology of infidelity. This is NOT a talk show; it is a documentary series and will take an impartial approach to the content. The show will use first person narrative and psychological input to educate the viewers on the deep internal issues both parties deal with leading up to an affair and after the revelation. We… Read more »

I can see your point on many of the issues, but sometime these “Good Men” lie. Not everyone tells the whole story. Take your reader “http://onthedarkside.wordpress.com/2011/03/10/divorce-step-dads/”, he does an excellent job of appearing as a sympathetic soul, but I personally know better. I won’t bore you with details right now, but as sympathetic as I am about the real “Good Men” getting screwed, many of those supposed men have more than screwed their ex’s, but as with most, we never like to look at ourselves. Courts no longer automatically side with the women. Let’s face it, men and women alike… Read more »

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The Blurpo

4 years 3 months ago

“I won’t bore you with details right now, but as sympathetic as I am about the real “Good Men” getting screwed, many of those supposed men have more than screwed their ex’s, but as with most, we never like to look at ourselves. Courts no longer automatically side with the women. Let’s face it, men and women alike get screwed in the ugliness of divorce. Unfortunately, statements like what I have read in your forum portray all women as beast and seldom do we get a fair shake in an all male forum. ” Yeah maybe lots of thise men… Read more »

While “L” makes good points, she fails to mention she is the ex wife discussed in my essay. I am glad she has had tthe chance to read my feelings and respond. Maybe the next poor bastard will fare better.
Regardless it was a good exercise and subject that needed to be examined. It remains a shame that men and women can not seperate without one or the other causing hurt & financial damage.
J.K. Dark

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Bill Lennan

5 years 8 months ago

I didn’t get screwed at all – in fact, my ex (and the mom of my kids) has become one of my best friends after our divorce. She asked for the divorce, and I spent over a year with her and therapists trying to hold it together. When I finally got that she wasn’t going to change direction, I decided that taking care of the kids – with 50/50 custody was the goal. She agreed and everything we’ve done since has been to support that goal. I also did enough work to see how I’d contributed to her dissatisfaction and… Read more »

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BS76

5 years 8 months ago

@ Shelly Walker

“a guy working the system to take support from a woman still feels wrong to me”

But I suppose a woman working the system to steal a man’s earnings is perfectly fine. Un-fucking-believable.

“I married a guy with less education and in the end I had to pay him both child and spousal support. I know it’s a double standard, but a guy working the system to take support from a woman still feels wrong to me, especially because many items are not taken into account. For example, I have a large amount of student loans but as those were in my name only, none of that was part of the settlement and the payments were not discounted from my salary. In this case I got penalized for bettering myself and he got… Read more »