James Bond resigns from MI5 citing ‘too much paperwork’

James Bond, the secret agent formerly known as 007, has resigned from MI5, citing excessive paperwork, political correctness and boring villain’s lairs as making his life as a government assassin unbearable.

‘When I started out as a hired killer for the UK goverment, I was given a gun and allowed to take out anyone I liked. I fought the real super-villains, who built rocket launching sites inside volcanoes, supertankers that swallowed submarines, space stations and the like – most of them with monorails. On the way, I could have unprotected sex with any woman I fancied. But the assassination of Osama bin Laden shows how frustrating having a license to kill has become.

‘First, the paperwork: all the forms, presidential and prime minister approval. How can I kill evil henchmen when I first have to take a photograph and submit it on a complex web form along with a justification, then wait for three levels or approval? Some of the places I have to go don’t have decent network connectivity!

‘Secondly, the lairs. No volcanoes, no space stations. Run-down compounds in suburban towns with no decent nightlife, and not a monorail in sight! Where is the excitement in killing people in backwater suburbs when you have to walk around once you get there?

‘Finally, the women. It’s not just that that in today’s conflict zones they wear burqas and adultery is punished by stoning – it’s that it’s really hard to get your end up when you know that it’s not just Obama and Cameron watching you on your headcam, but Hilary Clinton is watching too. She keeps giving me instructions to the headset about effective foreplay. I am a spy trying to save the world – I don’t have time for foreplay! It was better when her husband was in charge, believe me!’