We bet you’ve heard the news linking high LDL cholesterol and saturated fat intake (greasy cheeseburgers and premium ice cream) to low sperm counts — while good-fat foods like fish and walnuts are associated with a bigger, better baby-making squad. Our favourite headline (kudos to Maine’s Bangor Daily News!) says it all: Sperm goes limp with fatty foods, while fish perks them up. But don’t stop there. If you’re a man concerned about fertility (or a spouse hoping for a baby soon), we have a do-it-yourself male fertility improvement plan.

Healthy sperm and a robust sperm count improve your odds that a single sperm will survive its ultra-marathon journey and meet an eligible egg. And sperm have different functions. Some act like blockers to stop other sperm, which makes “survival of the fittest” sense for animals with multiple mates during rutting season, while others are sprinters designed to beat a path to the egg. More than half of a guy’s sperm are the sprinter/swimmer type and those oval heads need to be strong enough to break through an egg’s tough outer layer.

So giving your sperm a healthy “makeover” makes sense for every couple trying for a baby. If you are younger than 34 and have been trying but haven’t conceived in 12 months, or if you’re age 35 or older, talk with your doctor. And take these steps, starting today, for super-swimmer sperm:

Eat less (like none) of the bad fats and more of the good ones. Eating lots of saturated fat — found in red meats, processed meats, full-fat dairy products and many snack foods and desserts — can reduce sperm counts by 38 per cent, and slow the swimming ability of the remaining 62 per cent. But getting more omega-3 fatty acids from fish like salmon and wild trout means higher counts. To get more omega-3s you can also take a supplement of 1,500 mg DHA (the most active omega-3) daily for 10 weeks, then cut back to 1,000 mg a day.

Hang out at the farm stand. Filling up on fruit and veggies protects sperm quality and quantity by revving up your body’s defences that keep them healthy.

Add vitamin D-3 and zinc. Plenty of vitamin D-3 helps sperm swim better and faster. Aim for 1,000 IU a day from a D-3 supplement. Add 12 mg of zinc a day for a healthy sperm count and superior shape. Find zinc in your multi; great and healthy food sources include poultry, beans, cashews and no-fat, no-added-sugar yogurt.

Get that laptop off your lap and your phone out of your pocket. Surfing the web or checking email with a Wi-Fi-connected laptop humming in your lap is bad news for sperms’ swimming skills and the precious DNA (yours!) cargo they carry. Phones may hamper male fertility, too.

Keep cool where it counts. Sperm production needs temperatures cooler than the rest of your body, which is why hot tubs, a fever and even a desk job can torpedo your count. Take standup breaks at work, let them breathe, and make the switch to boxers from briefs. Tight skivvies can reduce sperm counts by up to 50 per cent. Cyclists, mix up your exercise routine, too.

Skip the drinks and smokes. Smoking slashes your sperm count by 13 per cent to 17 per cent and triggers genetic abnormalities; there’s evidence marijuana is also bad news. More than one beer, glass of wine or cocktail a day also messes with sperm quality. After two drinks, sperm get mixed up and travel in weird directions.

Don’t hold back in the bedroom. Daily fun between the sheets improves sperm quality dramatically. Compared to several days of abstinence, daily intimacy reduces DNA damage in sperm by about 30 per cent.

Chocolate builds muscle strength

The world's most expensive piece of chocolate, from Knipschildt Chocolatier, is a $250 dark-chocolate truffle with a French black truffle inside. Fortunately, you don't need to spend big to get big muscles from dark chocolate. Turns out that in addition to its blood-pressure-lowering, cavity-fighting, heart-loving, blues-chasing powers, a double dose (we advocate 1/2 ounce or less twice a day) every day of dark (not milk) chocolate revs up power stations called mitochondria in each and every cell in your body. That makes your muscles stronger and increases your endurance.

What is it about chocolate? It's packed with flavonoids, a plant-based chemical that's a PRO at ANTI almost everything: antiviral, antiallergic, antiplatelet, anti-inflammatory, anti-tumor and anti-Alzheimer's. It's also adept at affecting cell-signaling pathways that regulate the growth, proliferation and death of cells. Megasurveys show that folks who eat the most chocolate cut their risk for heart disease by 37 per cent, diabetes by 31 per cent and stroke by 29 per cent.

How much is enough?

Our favourite is 70 per cent cacao semi- or bittersweet. And no more than an ounce a day, or you'll wander into the dark side of dark chocolate — too many calories and too much fat. (Make sure it takes the place of other calories, so it doesn't add to your total.) If you want to get some of the benefits and fewer calories, even as little as a quarter ounce a day will help make your heart and other muscles stronger and head smarter. How sweet it is!

This slime is not pretty in pink

Our beef with beef gets bigger every week: The triple threat of high saturated fat and iron levels, plus HAAs — by-products of cooking meat at high temps — promotes many cancers, heart failure, impotence and memory dysfunction. PLUS, a new supersize study links eating red meat to a shortened lifespan. But the meat-processing industry itself has handed you another reason to steam some veggies and grill those portabella mushrooms. Ta-da! Pink slime.

What is it? Semi-liquefied scrap meat or trimmings. To ensure this slurry — which the industry calls lean, finely textured beef — isn't loaded with nasty bacteria, it's treated with ammonium hydroxide (window cleaner). The spritz of gas is generally recognized as safe (GRAS) by the Food and Drug Administration; the National Institutes of Health has a webpage on ammonium hydroxide poisoning. Go figure.

Pink slime was developed as an addition to pet food, but about 70 per cent of ground beef sold in the U.S. had it mixed in. Luckily, the recent public outrage was enough to get most American grocery stores to stop that practice (at least temporarily). McDonald's, Burger King and Taco Bell have stopped using the filler, as have many public-school systems. So what's your next move?

•1. Seriously consider abandoning red meat for healthier proteins such as skinless, turkey, chicken, fish, nuts, quinoa or beans. Pink slime or no pink slime, red meat is still a quick way to shorten your lifespan.

•2. Amp up your veggie quotient, including veggie burgers that rock; try different ones until you find what you love to grill regularly!

Ask health questions at doctoroz.com. Drs. Oz and Roizen are authors of YOU: Stress Less. Order it at StarStore.ca