and other things I like to yell about

Diary of a Guilty Wife

I heard Steven messing around in the kitchen. Dishes were clinking and water was splashing and then he was yelling, “What’s wrong with the sink?”

I yelled back, “I don’t know. What’s wrong with it?”

“It’s not draining!”

“It was fine a minute ago.”

“Well it ain’t fine now!”

I thought for a second and offered, “Is something covering the hole?”

I hear him sigh. It was an annoyed sigh that says, ‘of course nothing is covering the hole. The first thing I did was check the damn hole. I’m not an idiot.’

“No.”

Removing food and God-only-knows what from the hole is about the extent of my plumber-knowledge, so I say nothing back. After a few more minutes he yells again.

“I bet those kids put something down the garbage disposal again!”

“Yeah, probably!”

The kids are constantly shoving large quantities of food down the drain. I don’t know exactly what happens to it, but it messes up the garbage disposal and then nothing drains. Steven has to clean everything out and he gets angry and yells a lot and then once it’s clear he walks around like a fat cat. We play along and sing his praises and the kids promise to never put food down the drain again.

Oh, and did I mention that when I say ‘kids’ I mean ‘me’?

Yeah, I’m the one that’s shoving large quantities of food down the drain. Every time. Every single fucking time. Me.

I don’t know why I do it. Even while I’m doing it, I hear my wonderful husbands dire warnings. “Too much food stops the thing up. Don’t shove food down the drain!” But I think to myself, ‘This is just a little bit of food. It will be fine.’ But it never is. It’s never fine.

This time what had happened is I had cleaned out the fridge. I pulled out some old steamed cabbage. It was wet and it was pretty soft so I thought the garbage disposal wouldn’t be a problem. I didn’t give it a second thought.

Now, Steven was stomping past me and I knew he was going to yell at the kids.

Here’s one of those defining moments famous people and “good moms” are always going on and on and on about. This is the moment that proves if you’re a good mom and a good wife and a good woman. Or if you’re a coward and a bad mom and an all around shitty person. This is the moment that’s gonna make you or break you. This is one of those times you’re gonna look back and say “I did the right thing!”

Or…ya know…not.

At least I tried to make up for it. After he yelled at the kids I hung back and whispered to them, “Daddy didn’t mean that. He’s just angry. Don’t worry guys. Who wants ice cream?”

I’m sure the ice cream helped dissolve the image of Daddy’s hateful saliva spattering all over their stunned little faces, and they won’t need therapy at all. Thank goodness for Rocky Road, amiright?

He worked on the drain quite awhile. I put the kids to bed and sat in front of the t.v. trying to think of a way to tell him. I could play dumb and say, “Whaaaaat? It was the cauliflower?! Oh, I can’t believe that!”, but I’m a bad liar.

I could just tell him what happened, but then he might get hateful saliva on me and I already washed my face.

I decided that I would tell him during sex. Just, ya know, work it into the conversation.

“Oh, yes, shove it in there…like I shoved that cauliflower into the garbage disposal earlier.”

The thought made me start laughing and then my dear sweet husband came around the corner. “What’s so funny?”

“Nothing. What’s that in your hand.”

He held a smelly contraption under my nose. Inside was a pen cap and 2 Lego heads that had seen better days.

“Kids play in the sink again today?”

Yes, as a matter of fact, the little monsters had been playing in the sink today! Well, hallelujah, thank you, Jesus! And to think, I almost gave myself away.

I learned a really important lesson today. I learned that, in every situation whether you’re right or you’re wrong, honesty is the best policy. But for a happy marriage one should always follow a large quantity of food down the drain with a Lego chaser. Ya know, just in case.

“Oh, yes, shove it in there…like I shoved that cauliflower into the garbage disposal earlier.”

LAUGHED SO F’IN HARD- OUT LOUD… this whole post. My husband had to come see why I was laughing so hard. It’s not unusual for him to find me talking out loud to my computer screen. He gets worried when I’m in my blogging world.

AND yes, we used to have major issues with the garbage disposal. Thank GOD, he finally replaced it- the old one was so loud and didn’t do anything. Hence, why food was backing up… Also, our bathroom and tub sinks. “Damn it, can you try combing your hair and throw in trash can before showering, and washing it down the drain?”

I can’t blame the kids on that one (they have their own bathroom) or HIM (he’s bald.) DAMN IT. I can’t even blame it on our dog and his baths. He’s a hair dog and not fur. His hair doesn’t come off- you have to saw and use scissors and shave to get that hair to go anywhere.

Uh-uh- that’s not mine. Who’s is it then? Uh, the neighbor’s drain, drained into our drain? We do live in a condo with shared plumbing, right?