Gordon Brown apologises for going to the toilet

The Prime Minister issued a dramatic apology tonight after a Sky news crew filmed him through a frosted window engaged in what he later called ‘relieving his bowels’.

The incident happened when the Prime Minister left the campaign trail temporarily to disappear indoors, locking himself in a small room in order to secrete a pungent substance from his bottom. Sky news footage shows the blurred image of the Prime Minister squatting on a porcelain device and temporarily lowering his trousers during the three minute procedure, during which he crudely wiped away residual traces of the substance using a roll of what looked like paper. The Prime Minister made an immediate apology and said he felt ‘ashamed and penitent’ for his actions. He later returned to the room in question and spent the next hour painstakingly cleaning and polishing the porcelain device in an attempt to remove all traces of the damage, and to remove any odour from the room.

Opposition leaders have been quick to criticise the Prime Minister; David Cameron called his actions ‘depraved, sick, and totally unacceptable. This disgusting act is typical of the hypocrisy we have come to expect from Gordon Brown; he shows one face in public, while in private he is creating this unsightly and foul smelling so-called ‘excrement’’. Meanwhile Nick Clegg said ‘This is exactly why Britain deserves a breath of fresh air – this outrageous episode is typical of the old parties’ disdain for the electorate.’

Some commentators have even suggested that the Prime Minister may have engaged in this action several times recently, although Labour Party headquarters were quick to describe today’s events as an isolated incident.

Mr Brown said tonight that he had not intended to offend anyone, and has written to party members assuring them that there will be no repeat performance during tonight’s live televised debate.