Born in Sài Gòn, Việt Nam in 1970, now living in the US as a claimed and renamed TRA

*bounce

iBastard, Vietk and Kevin have put up their thoughts on “the bitter adoptee” with dead-on comments about how dehumanizing, invalidating and misleading it is to be referred to in such a condescending way. I don’t have anything new to add, but do feel the need for a little bouncy rant.

iBastard’s post provides an interesting example of how labeling can be used to tip the scales, polarize a subject and all but put a stop to balanced dialogue. Like iBastard, I’m not sure whether all the bitter/happy adoptee mess is by design or a natural occurrence. Something tells me it’s a little of both with a touch of opportunism involved.

In any case, it’s a distraction that forces those of us who are critical of our adoptions and/or adoption in general into a defensive stance. It’s something we can’t ignore as an attack on our credibility, so while we’re busy defending ourselves, those wishing we would disappear can supposedly go about their business mostly unchallenged.

Throw in some divide-and-conquer strategies drawing a line between “good” and “bad”, gather as many “good recruits” as possible on your side and let them help you quash the rebellion. In the meantime, conflict and resentment builds up inside the adoptee community breaking down trust between us. As a result, the division become wider and is reinforced.

After countless exchanges that seemed to have made little difference, for me, it’s no longer a productive discussion. Sometimes, it feels too much like having to justify my very existence, and I’m just not going to do that anymore.

Hi Sume,
Great post.
Ignoring is what I try to do.
I will not let people dictate to me how I should feel about MY adoption.
I feel what I feel.
I lived it.
Only found you recently – look forward to catching up on your blog.
Hugs, Possum.
(Aussie adoptee)
xx

You are so right. We each have individual experiences, some great, some not so great, some not so bad, and some terrible. And we have the right to feel differently at different stages in our lives about our adoption and how it has affected us. Sometimes I am angry that I was taken completely outside of my tribe, and I identify strongly with those who were intentionally torn from the tribe in an effort to eradicate our identities (although I don’t think that was my personal case, I empathize very strongly with those for whom it was). Other times I am able to accept that my birth mother made the best choice she could under the options she was given. Sometimes it hurts alot that I only found my birthfather after he was dead, and sometimes I think that’s okay because he is the one who didn’t even acknowledge my existence to his family (he told them he had a son “somewhere” but neglected to say that the son had an older sister and that they were “somewhere” together). Sometimes I’m really angry with the abuse I suffered with my adoptive parents, and other days I recognize that they were doing the best with what they had, they had a lot of issues and not much support, and that they made alot of sacrifices for us.

We each have the right to work through our feelings, the good and the bad, and not have any judgment or shame put upon us for having those feelings. We didn’t choose to be born and we didn’t make the choice to be adopted, we just have to live with the consequences of our parents’ choices. At some point we have to accept those choices in order to survive too, but we don’t have to like them or agree with them all the time. And we have an opportunity, perhaps even a responsibility, to be honest about all these mixed up feelings because it may help to inform adoptive parents and birth parents so that they can consider the consequences and issues that arise.