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The World Cup is over. Paul the psychic octopus was spot-on again — Spain won the trophy and the Dutch have been advised to take up kick-boxing instead of football. South Africa will be remembered at least for another month for providing the ama-visitors with a lekker jol. We were just kidding about the lions roaming around in our gardens, but not about how many wives our President has. And we were definitely not joking about that annoying plastic horn. It’s fucking loud when blown directly into your sensitive ear drums, right? Haha, quit bitching, we told you to bring ear plugs.

Anyways, now what? There are more vuvuzelas than people on the planet and still more being manufactured by the minute in the sweat shops fair trade factories of China. Unless you’re a South African from Soweto who has been blowing his vuvuzela at weekend football games long before the World Cup and has no intention of stopping anytime soon, what the fuck are you going to do with your plastic souvenir? I have a few suggestions:

Self-defense A few days after the trophy has been carted off to Europe and FIFA has evacuated with its brand of instantly ruthless justice mostly aimed at ambush marketers, non-FIFA related crime will once again top the list of cheerful braai conversations. Except now we will be regaled with tales of how our mate John chased away three surprised would-be hijackers by fiercely blowing his vuvuzela in their general direction. And how Mavis irreparably injured a sexual predator by impaling him on her son’s vuvuzela and then continually blowing her one in his ears until the cops came. Five days later.

Poop scoop Dog owners are quite lazy about picking up the steaming piles of excrement their pooches happily leave all over the park. If you’re not planning to touch your lips to your vuvuzela again, you’ll find that it’s a nifty turd-removing utility.

Sex toy I’m not suggesting you insert the horn and blow it. Unless you’re trying to inflict a similar injury to the one Mavis unleashed on the remorseful sexual predator who needed three surgeries just to remove the thing. However, when the vuvuzela becomes the popular porn prop it was destined to become, we will all understand its true potential as a sex toy. Or probably just appreciate its less annoying but titillating entertainment value.

Multi-faceted funnel Ever run out of petrol and have to walk / hitch a ride to the nearest garage and then finally get back to your stranded car only to realise that without a funnel, most of the petrol you just spent your last ten bucks on is destined for the tarmac instead of the tank? You wouldn’t feel like such a moron if you had a vuvuzela-funnel. Any other scenario where a funnel would come to the rescue has vuvuzela written all over it. Beer drinkers have already found the vuvuzela to be a very handy bong. And I suspect Paris Hilton will continue to hide her weed in one.

There are many other useful things you can do with your potentially obsolete vuvuzela. I just felt a moral obligation to give you a few pointers. I’m all about creative options for the crime possessed and sex obsessed. You’re welcome.

Namaste, morons. And well done South Africa, you showed dem how to make da circle bigger. Back to work.

The Moron

Follow my unholy joyride at your own peril. Be warned, careless insults and gratuitous profanity buzz around these pages like flies about a dead llama. But you will also read unbelievably profound wisdom that will completely blow your mind and make you come back for more. Or shoot yourself. Your choice.

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