Perhaps you recall last season’s London Fashion Week when Christopher Kane, the visionary designer of a million non-basic gals’ fashion dreams, introduced jewel-encrusted Crocs that not only high-low’d the reviled footwear but gave them, perhaps, a little healing crystal aura for your tootsies.

Guess fuckin’ what? THEY’RE BACK on Kane’s Fall 2017 runway, this time SANS rocks but PLUS furry trim. Do you think you can handle it? Does the bear claw/house shoe vibe intrigue or repulse? Have we moved too far into, or too far past, the ugly-shoe vortex for any of this to matter?

It certainly takes a specific kind of strong dresser to pull these off, though I’m more interested in their contrast to the other shoes in the collection, which are pointed, strappy winklepickers that DEEPLY intrigue my new-wave leanings (as do most of the garments, which seem to have been inspired by Andie from Pretty in Pink), but also act as a cheeky response to those who might have deemed his Crocs too hideous to fuck with. The opposite of a comfort shoe is one that literally binds, or at least mimics the binding, so what do we want? Will we ever be happy? Also, BLAINE, HIS NAME IS BLAINE?