My ADHD

I want to address my own issues in this journal, so that one day I can look back and go: I overcame this obstacle, and I am now a better person because of it. I struggle a lot, and some days are worse than others. I -do- have an issue, and something that I would consider a struggle in my everyday life.

My issues:

Forgetfulness: I feel like this one is the most detrimental to my health. I can’t seem to retain anything anyone says to me, unless I -IMMEDIATELY- write it down afterward (and sometimes I forget where I wrote it down). This makes it hard in my line of work, considering I’m the office manager of a real estate business, and my desk is riddled with notes and reminders. However, I know that I am extremely forgetful, and it’s something that I can concentrate on. Daily check-lists (which consist of THE most simple things, such as: prepare cofffee, run check deposits, eat, drink, etc). Because I can get distracted so easily, things tend to go in one ear and out the other.

Goal for myself: memorization. Remember my check list, go over it over and over until I can finally see it in my head. Do not look at the check list, and challenge myself to complete it without looking at it. This will be tough, but I think it’s something I can improve.

Lack of routine: Another huge thing that I can’t seem to overcome. Every morning I wake up, I do it all out of order. Let the dogs out, make coffee, take a shower, etc. I cannot, for the life of me control a routine. This makes my life a bit chaotic, and something that I really want to focus in on as I age, especially when my husband and I are really considering having children (I feel routines are really important for kids). My husband thinks it’s adorable, but it’s something I feel I really need to address. I want to be the best mother ever, and for this to happen, I have to acknowledge my own downfalls, and not necessarily fix them, but tune them up. Does that make sense?

Goal for myself: follow and set a routine DAILY! Decide on an outfit the night before (this will be huge and something I will forget to do). Decide on a mug for my coffee for the next morning. Decide on socks. MAKE decisions prior to when I have to make them.

Time management: I think this one works really well with lack of routine and forgetfulness. Actually, scratch that, I think my entire list bounces off of each other, because, well, it’s a list, and I’m not very good at that. Anyway, where was I? Oh, time management – I AM HORRIBLE AT THIS. I am constantly running late, even if I wake up super early. Something that I’ve noticed is that I get distracted by the smallest things. A piece of string on a sweater that I’m wearing, I will focus on that goddamn string for 15 minutes without realizing I’ve sat there for 15 minutes, wondering where that string came from, can I cut it off without the whole thing unraveling, how should I fix it? etc. I really infuriate myself sometimes, and it’s something I actually get mad at myself about. How can something so simple to someone be such a huge deal to me?

Goal for myself: this is something that has worked for me in the past, and SURPRISE! something I did not commit myself to. Music. I used to carry around my ipod and let it play, and when one song is over, I had to move onto the next thought. This limits my time to do things within 2-3 minutes and used to help a lot. Naturally I haven’t done it in forever.

Laziness: It seems contradictory to say that I have laziness while suffering with ADHD. You would actually be surprised how TIRED I become after my brain goes through hundreds and hundreds of topics, over and over, always running 100 miles an hour, to the point that I become mentally exhausted. When I get home from work, I’m either restless (meaning I did not do enough to exercise my brain and I have too much energy), or I just want to lay down on the couch and binge watch Netflix, all while ignoring my daily house chores that my husband gives me. I would also like to say that forgetfulness + time manage = laziness, because I concentrate on one thing for hours and realize I have not moved from that spot, which makes me feel super lazy and guilty (usually video games).

Goal for myself: do things that don’t interest me as much. When I say this, I mean play video games that don’t capture my attention for hours. I don’t mean to do it, I really don’t, but it’s something my husband and I fight about. “How can you sit at your computer for 8 hours and do nothing, including to remember to eat?” I need to really prioritize things in my life and that while some video games help me (slows down my brain from racing so much), they actually harm me because it’s like numbing myself and then all of a sudden being pulled out of it, which results in weird funks.

Now, in my list, I have talked about everything that I do wrong. I need to focus on the things that I do WELL, but since I’ve been so low with my mother’s attempted suicide, I can’t seem to even think about anything but her. I know that I have a lot of downfalls, and I know that I have a lot of upfalls (is there another word for that?), I just can’t think of the good right now… maybe another day.

PS: I’ve been at work for an hour and a half and have not completed anything on my checklist. Goddammit.