This is an open and unfiltered diary-style journal
on the life of James Robert Smith.
This blog will contain sometimes graphic experiences (both beautiful and ugly),
sometimes stark insight, and all honest and factual documentation of dreams, diet, activity, and thoughts.

Pages

Friday October 28 2011

Waking up at 12:42 p.m. to Margot tapping at my bedroom door. I told her we could spend some time together before she had to go to work...she really wanted to show me her Halloween costumes...but of course I’m getting interrogated up front with questions pertaining to what I did last night after she left and the little Leonard Cohen style segment I wrote in the blog yesterday...

“I’m just talking out of my ass, Margot. You know me. I write stuff.”

She leaves...then returns...dressing into a French Maid, a sexy black cat, then disco Barbie.

Cuddling in the bed—it always feels so proper and natural to be cozy with her. Oh god, she’s holding pleasure…then sending shivers through my entire body. I attempt to touch her down there but she blocks me because of her period...

Her: “Should I go to the bathroom?” [insinuating to take out the tampon so we could have sex]

Me: “I really want to...but we shouldn’t.”

And we don’t. But I still try to offer as much affection as needed. I still feel connected...I still care...I still love.

She’s standing by the door now—ready to leave. Our conversation reaches dark conclusions of that its more upsetting to tease ourselves (to pretend) than to not even see each other at all.

...

Banana. Orange Juice.

My car’s been in the shop all day and it’s ready. She takes me to retrieve my car...

The 90’s Pop station on Pandora radio—The Cranberries, “Linger” providing the soundtrack for the rainy ride there. We hold hands and exchange our feelings despite the unspoken gloom of knowing a distance will be growing between us.

Me: “You’ll always be so sweet in my head.”

Grilled Cheese with Tomato. Potato Chip Trio. Lemonade.

3 hour shift at China Wok—its super busy tonight.

Ice Cream Cone.

Cod Fillet Bites. Rice with Onions and Mixed Vegetables. Bud Light.

Finishing Catfish [2010].

“They used to tank cod from Alaska all the way to China. They’d keep them in vats in the ship. By the time the codfish reached China, the flesh was mush and tasteless. So this guy came up with the idea that if you put these cods in these big vats, put some catfish in with them and the catfish will keep the cod agile. And there are those people who are catfish in life, and they keep you on your toes. They keep you guessing, they keep you thinking, they keep you fresh. And I thank God for the catfish, because we’d be droll, boring, and dull if we didn’t have somebody nipping at our fin.”