Sunday, November 1, 2009

Idiot's guide to live among GUYS

Before I dispense my advice let me put a few premises and underpinnings. Being an engineer I like a methodical approach.

First let me begin by explaining what are men’s men. They are the leader of the pack, the alpha male, who are hated by women and admired by men. What one of my friend calls boys boys. That is what every man wants to be, well, at least in the company of other men. They are generally the macho men, the school bully, the sports jock. These rules are for happily staying amidst them. There are hereby referred to as “the guys” or “buddies”.

Second I will give my credentials. My parents somehow always took houses where there were no girls in the neighbourhood (at least in a 2 km radius), they also made sure that none of their friends or colleagues had daughters. To top it all I did my entire schooling in a boy’s school. And if that wasn’t enough I took admission into Mechanical branch in engineering which boasted of a ratio of 7 girls to 193 guys. And my dream run didn’t end there, now I am doing MBA from a college which has 14 girls out of a total of 120 odd people. So I have been around guys my whole life and I have charted successfully these turbulent waters. And this makes me authority on this subject.

So here it goes –

Always underplay your friendship with other girls. Always act like only guys can be true friends, girls are just girlfriend material.

If you are serious about your girlfriend let it be known subtly in the beginning only. And then never ever refer to her again.

Don’t tell your problems. Guys already there girlfriends for that. Unless of course if you need to get your car fixed, or thinking of buying a new stereo system. Those are great conversation starters.

Always overstate your booze capacity and chicks you have scored with. And always understate the time you devote to studying.

Whenever in an argument speak more loudly than the other guy, resorting to logic is futile.

Don’t say anything negative about a guy’s first car or basically anything he bought from his first salary, they are close to the guy’s heart.

Don’t insult or ridicule anybody’s favourite sports team, especially not after they have suffered a humiliating defeat and/or the guy is drunk. In case you still wish to, keep a crash helmet and the ambulance handy.

Don’t order Virgin Mary or Pomegranate Julep when you are out with guys. Trust me you won’t be able to live with the ridicule. When you don’t feel like drinking, stick to coke.

When out with the guys, never accept a call from your girlfriend—unless she's dying or trapped under a burning fuel truck, and if that's the case, make it quick.

Always behave like your date with your girlfriend is a torture you have to put up with.

Never admit openly that you liked a chick flick. Admitting that you cried when Leonardo Dicaprio died in Titanic is Hara-Kiri. Claim that Rambo/ Terminator is your favourite movie even when it’s actually ‘When Harry met Sally’.

Always buy more beer than you think is humanly possible to drink. Firstly Beer is never ‘enough’. Secondly then you are challenging the guys’ capacity.

Always support your buddy when he is telling a story, even in the part where he saved Pamela Anderson from attacking aliens. Remember someday you’ll need it too.

Mess up your room when you are having the guys over. Remember if they need to sit they will remove your dirty socks from the chair. And don’t forget to hide the fluffy cushion your girlfriend gifted you.

Keep announcing that the guy who pissed you off in the college/office is gonna get his face smashed someday. Even if you have never even killed a fly.

Farts are still laughing matter.

Don’t let anybody overtake even if you are driving at 30 on an empty road. Remember Road is the place where you need to show your machismo.

Remember that ex-girlfriends of your buddies are still a no-go zone. Or any girl they told you they like very much, even if they have never even talked to her.

Always divide your female acquaintances as either ‘girls you like to sleep with’ or Sisters. There is no third kind.

Don’t use words like ‘quality time’, ‘relationship trouble’, ‘courting’, bonding’ ‘soulmate’ etc. Not only will the guys not understand it but you may get branded as a freak.

You should not know more colours then black, white, brown, blue, red, orange, yellow and green. Fuchsia is a place in China.

Don’t ever get a guy a birthday card, unless there are pink panties or a pack of tampons with it to complete the joke.

When extremely hard pressed to buy a gift for a guy, gift him a bottle of scotch.

You should always know your buddies preferred brand in alcohol or cigarettes. Not knowing is a great sacrilege which can only be forgiven by buying him that in a Pub 5 times in a row.

It is only ok to sing if you are drunk, otherwise no matter how good you are, you’ll still be laughed at.

Never admire another man’s body. It was only ok till you were 10 and admired Arnold Schwarzenegger or Sylvester Stallone.

Don’t use the word ‘cute’. Let me rephrase, never ever use the word cute. Only in the case you are describing someone’s new born baby or dog. In that case too don’t use it more than once.

You should not have a pet except maybe a dog. A fish is acceptable too but you should give him a Macho name like Butch or Spike. A pet snake would be great if you can manage not getting bitten.

No PDA (Public Display of Affection). Even you can do it in front of other guys they can’t stand it.

Keep your pet names between you and your girl friend only. If they guys get to know that your girlfriend calls you ‘Sweetu’, ‘Chiku’ or ‘Cutie Pie’ you’ll be the laughing stock every time more than 1 of them sits with you.

Never say no for booze to your buddy when he had a really f**ked up day. He might never forgive you if you do.

Never send love or inspirational messages to the guys. Only dirty jokes and MMS are acceptable (assuming the MMS is not having the guy and his girlfriend in it).

You don’t ask for directions.

You don’t tell on your buddy. Even if he’s cheating you don’t tell his girl friend. And you shouldn’t tell the other girl he has a girl friend. Consider this as honour among thieves.

And I cannot stress this enough. Bros before hoes. Always remember, girlfriends come and go, but your boys are always there.

About Me

Forget your personal tragedy. We are all bitched from the start and you especially have to be hurt like hell before you can write seriously. But when you get the damned hurt use it — don't cheat with it. -
Ernest Hemingway