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I don’t understand mid-life orphans. They complain about care giving responsibilities and then, when their parents pass away, they lament about being orphans. They say they feel bereft, unmoored, devastated by life without parents. Don’t they realize how lucky they are? Having elderly parents is a privilege some of us never had.

If you’re a mid-life orphan, you’ve had the pleasure of parents for most of your adult life. You danced with your father at your wedding, you shared your joy with them when your children were born. You were able to show them the person you’ve become, and your children were able to know their grandparents. As your parents aged, you were able to return the nurturing and love they gave you. Instead of mourning the loss of your parents, you should be glad for the time you had with them.

I became an orphan when I was young. My dad died when I was 7 and my mom, when I was 26. I grew up in the 50s and 60s, when hardly anyone was divorced. I didn’t know anyone besides me who didn’t have two parents.

I was 24 when I learned my mother was dying. I was devastated. For months,
I mourned the life events we would never share: my wedding, the birth of my children, the grown up me she would never know. To this day, I have daydreams of conversations with her. “Look Mom,” I say. “Don’t worry about me. I’m OK. I have a wonderful husband and three grown children. I started a business and helped launch an industry. I have a great life. Are you proud of me? I so want you to be proud of me.” I guess we never stop wanting our parents to be proud of us. But mostly, I just wish I could be with her again, for even one hour.

I will always remember the last time I was mothered. It didn’t seem special at the time. My mom had been in the hospital for 9 months. It was my 26th birthday and my boyfriend had done nothing — not even a card. I walked into my mother’s hospital room. “Hi Honey, happy birthday,” she said. I burst out crying. My mother held me and I was comforted.

It was years later before I realized what a gift I had received, and perhaps also the gift I had given. For months I had been managing my mother’s affairs, dealing with her doctors, paying her medical bills, being a grown up. I so longed to be taken care of, to feel like a child again. For months my mom had been the patient, the sick one, depending on others. I realize now how much she needed to feel like a mother again, and perhaps that evening together helped her do that. But mostly, I remember how exquisite it felt to be mothered. Here I am, 40 years later, myself a mother and grandmother, and I yearn for that feeling still.

So perhaps I do get it — why mid-life orphans are so devastated when their parents die. No matter our age, our parents are such a primal connection that their loss leaves us missing a part of who we are. One thing is certain: I will always remember the last time I was mothered, because I know I will never be loved like that again.

You are so right. Mothers can be cherished at every age! I consider myself incredibly lucky to have had mine until my late 50s. (She would have turned 85 this week.) One of my most special memories of her mothering me was when I gave birth to what she knew would be her only grandchild. I was struggling with nursing and was reduced to tears, pumping my milk while being hooked up to a machine like a cow. She cradled me in her arms and cried with me, lovingly expressing that this should be the happiest time of my life. I had so many stories of her in action as a great mother, that I had to honor her by assembling them into a book.

That is such a beautiful story. Made even more beautiful because you were nurtured and comforted just as you became responsible for someone else. As special as that memory is for you, I bet it was one of your mom’s most special memories too. Thanks so mch for sharing.