I go out to bars and clubs with my friends and we always have a good time. But I never have any luck with any of the girls there (getting numbers, having a good conversation, etc.). By the end of the night, I usually let the alcohol get the better of me, clam up completely, and duck out without telling my friends. It’s unbelievably cowardly, but it’s how I lick my wounds.

I know this is because “clubbing” is not me. I don’t want flimsy one-night flings or laissez-faire dates. I can’t do small talk and I probe way too much; I think it frightens most girls. I’ve only had serious relationships and I think I emanate that when I’m talking with girls I’m interested in.

I’m successful at everything else I put my mind to but fail miserably at dating. I’m sure part of that is because you can’t “put your mind” to romance. I need some advice on where to look for girls who appreciate the intensity and probing. I do it because I really want to know them, learn about them and understand them — it’s interesting. But I think I come off more like the Spanish Inquisition.

I’m deathly afraid of being a hermit. Any advice?

An Intensely Tense Man

Dear Intense Man,

I see Venus square Saturn in your chart and I think you are being hard on yourself. It’s as if you think there is something inherently wrong with you. I believe this is the core of your problem, rather than your intensity.

I’ll elaborate for clarity. Venus is related to attractiveness, and Saturn is related to restriction and insecurity. Put these planets together in a chart, and insecurity about one’s desirability is inevitable. And if you doubt this, re-read your post. You’re afraid you scare girls, you call yourself a coward, you say you are “failing miserably,” you have wounds, and you fear becoming a hermit! And all because you aren’t fluff?

Well, obviously you know that plenty of people have no interest in the superficial, so you can see right there this makes no sense. It is YOU rejecting you. It is you giving yourself a hard time.

How? By showing up at these bars, when you know it’s not your style. Or at least not the way you’re operating when you’re out there. In other words, you are playing another man’s game.

Try this, Mr. Scorpio Moon: next time you’re out, shut your mouth! You should also go alone, and stand on the periphery like the rest of the Scorpios. Back to the wall! Now scan. Scan the room for the woman who interests you and stay sober, why don’t you? So you can be effective.

When you see her, the one whose energy you like, put your tractor beam on and pull her towards you. Make her come to you. Know why? Because you need all the help you can get. And if she comes to you, she’s interested, yes?

And you know you probe, so what did I say? Shut up! Less talking, more listening. You’ll learn more than you ever did with the questions and she’ll be all fascinated with you — a man willing to listen to her, which believe me, is as rare as hen’s teeth.