2010

- PIPE GEMS -

The BuzzFile Archives!

By The Unknown Poster

PipeBombers, this is the sacred burial site for ailing and dead BuzzFiles - although it is a sad place please consider it an area worthy of a pilgrimage every so often. Yes the file is huge but the chunks of data contained here are indeed weighty. - ENJOY!

BuzzFile For The Week Of May 13, 2001

Welcome to another edition of the BUZZ files....you can read it any time you want to,you can't over dose, you don't have to fill out forms in triplicate,and the only harmful side effect is snorting milk up your nose. - If unsafe food and sex have turned you into a voyeur, reading Gourmet Magazine while watching the Playboy channel....you have stumbled into the right place....... If you feel that with all the pesticides in the environment. . . any organic gardeneris an oxymoron. ....then my fellow pipers cozy up to the screen and lets get going......it seems I have returned just in time.....The Publisher is attacking Jolly Ol'England -"England is a quaintbut sad place. It seems tired, old and almost worn out. Like the teeth of a 20-year-old horse,England's politicians have lost their bite, and no amount of filing seems capable of fixingthem. ". .. some little woodenpuppet has moved into my office and my coffee cup in the break room has turned up missing.,,,, I was going to talk to The Publisher about it last night, but they weren't at the barthey said they were going to, I must have gotten it wrong....anyway what's the big deal about sittingat his lunch table anyway.... More on that little wooden upstart next week as Ihave uncovered shocking information abouthis past and will present the material shortly..... Also many of you have been wonderingwhere I have been for a while. No it wasn't community service, I have been on assignment forthe Pipe and will present a photo essay next week.....if my luggage ever turns up. I wouldhave been back sooner, but the credit card they gave me turns out is only good at the PipeATM machine, I am sure it was just an oversight.

"All assumptions are wrong. You must remember that in the intelligence world, everytruth is part lie and every lie is based on some truth. If you try to separate the two, youwill only wind up confused and frustrated. "If you are an outsider, you will slowly learn thatthere is no separation of the two; the lies and the truth are just two of the many sides of thesame ever-flipping coin. "If you are an insider, you will slowly and often painfully learn thatsometimes the coin lands by chance, sometimes the way it lands is rigged by you'll never knowwhom, and that sometimes there is not even a coin at all. "If you are lucky and work hard, youwill find some of the truth. If you are lucky and work really hard, you might find the whole truth...as someone wants you to know it. If you are phenomenally lucky and really work your tail off,you might even go on to find the real truth. "But no outsider...and in fact, very few insiders ever...ever...learn the whole real truth."... Former Intelligence Officer

ATTACK OF THE 50FOOT SENATOR

After beingzapped by a beam of light emitted from a U.F.O., Hillary Clintongrows fifty feet high. With her new-found height, she's no longer a pushover, bullied byher womanizing husband and domineering daughter. Now they're the one's who'd better watch out.....

"People always calledHillary the little woman... They'll never do that again."

It was a moonless and gloomy night; the rain fell in torrents--except atoccasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of wind whichswept up the streets (for it is in the city of Washington amid the quaintEnglish Tudor houses of Foxhall village that our scene lies), rattling alongthe rooftops, and fiercely agitating the flag of the capatol thatsteadfastly struggled against the darkness.

The flickering streetlights began to activate and oozed over the horizon,shoving aside the inky darkness, creeping along the greensward, and, withsickly fingers, pushed through the small opening of the NW Washington moteldoor keyhole, revealing the pillaged New York royal socialite, handsentwined, crown asunder, gaping in frenzied desire at the sated, soddenly spentex-president lying beside her, disbelieving the magnitude of the deception, a lone hunchedfigure sheepishly peered into the room. She began screaming madly in hermind, "You lied!"

Suddenly her scream erupted from deep within her throat. The bone-chilling utterancesplit the warm summer night in two, the first half being before the scream when it wasfairly balmy and calm and pleasant for those who hadn't heard the scream at all, but notcalm or balmy or even very nice for those who did hear the scream, discounting the littleperiod of time during the actual scream itself when your ears might have been hearing itbut your brain wasn't reacting yet to let you know. Hillary stood alone. Shaken

Bill Clinton stood on the balcony, his robe open to the world and gently rested hisbloated belly on the rusted railing and watchedas the pink convertable sped it's way onto the highway. He smiled, knowing that she would never reallyleave him and struck a match. "damn it Denise" he shouted, angerly throwing the cigar intothe night, "bring me a dry one".....

END OF PART ONE - Next week...."The Probe"

HENNY IN THE HOSPITAL - Part One

I know many of you are curious about Hennypenny and his stay in the hospitalrecently. Rumors have been runing wild on the pipe. Everything from lyposuction to gender re-assignment. I asked him to pen a little about his experience....TUP

...would you ask Pacasso to draw a particular sized pic with colors to match the drapes ? never mind...Jeezzzzz 1:) In Hennyvile we have a small Hospital.. I know , I know, the big boys say their day isover , that they are not economical ...well, fry my grits, anyone of you threadsters think the BigHospitals are giving it away ?....not since Jesus served food...not on your life....which often it is . Give me the small hospital every time for the normal things that go wrongwith the old body. For the special things guess you are stuck with the big 'uns. But god save yourimmortal soul if you go there alone or with out a bank book that would embarrass a Banker in itsriches. Let us just agree ,big Hospitals suck .......and go on with it Here ,we all know eachother and see each other socially. This could , of course , have some implications if you gothere for claps...but my gracious no one in Hennyville would have THAT.... do you figure ? Isay we know everyone well that's not really true , some of the nurses come here after beinghanded around like the last cold biscuit at the thanksgiving dinner. Why, Hell we all know ,drugs , but the big hospitals and their personnel managers refuse to tell you that a pastemployee has a problem , like trying to sniff up the white highway line between Atlanta andsnellville or that she held the chief surgeon hostage for two days in the OR , until thedarvoset ran out and he stopped riding her around the room on his back.... You find thesethings out later, of course, standing on the roof of the hospital trying to get the bitchnot to jump with the only really good C0 2 monitor in the building. Hennyville Hospital, assome wag smarted off , "bet they iron your sheets," well yes , fart face, AND they hang themout to dry in the sun when they can...Nothing like the smell of warm nurse AND warm sheetswhen you are feeling down an low. My operation, went well ; three and one half hours of deepsh*t course I was out for the whole thing, but I bribed the Or nurse to tell me the jokesthey were telling over my body. Once the Doc referred to my stomach as "climbing Mt. Suribatchiagain"and as most do made several runs on the nurses in the room. The next afternoon , whenhis colleagues were standing around I whispered to him that I didn't want it to get out butthat I had been awake most of the time but couldn't talk...and should I tell anyone. thenwhen I chastised him for hitting on the girls and making fun of my stomach, he sorta foldedan sat on the edge of the bed. He said," Jesus Henny! why didn't you say something. Iremarked that it was hard all the pain an all ,getting a word in through his sexual innuendo.I tried to hold it ,but Walt looked so bad that I was afraid he might pass out...I smiledand he jumped up and said well, then lets see about those stitches.....folks this is freeadvice , Never , never , ever piss off the Doctor while you still have stitches in your fanny.No matter how good a Hospital is ..and this is good , no great ! They will have someone around,usually someone they would like to get rid of but the government won't allow it. Age, stupidity,color, gender, or lack of information, and that single person is dedicated to killing you.with the best of intentions , mind you, but deader that Hillary's heart . Mine visited methat last day hours before I left...last chance I reckon. She came in the person of MissErika Von Hindenberg, a woman of such clouded past that some had heard her refer to the"Prague Spring" as great times ! She had come to the Hospital as a Head OR nurse , butmonths of calling each Doctor" Herr Stupid "and telling them that her mentor would havenever done it that way, had all the cutters telling their patients to take an aspirin ancall in the morning. I mean things were getting desperate. They promoted her to head chargenurse and the last morning she drug the head of O2 services into my room and the followingtook place..Had I know what I now know , that her mentor had been Dr Mengles of German andlater south American fame..never would I have spoken with such authority to her. but it wasthat strong voice that evidently won the day for me ..I wondered at the time why she clicked her heels and said " Ver gates"Jah volk Herr Gropenfurrier, and looked all misty eyed whenI yelled at her. The last day the Doc wanted to send me home with oxygen for at least a month .....end of part one.

The "Pipebomb"Green Gardners

CrewBall - Anyone can planta veggie garden, hell, all you need is water. My pride and joy's are my Hazle-nut tree's........I planted them not really knowing what I was doing. I Found out that you need at leasttwo of them to make one produce and after five years i am getting about 2 cups off the one tree.You have to plant them about 20 feet apart for the reproduction thingy.. I can tell when the nutsare ready to pick when they begin to fall off the tree in the fall. I planted a " Granny " appletree near-by about the same time and it also is doing well. It's cool to see the deer come in theyard and stand on their hind legs trying to get to the couple of apple's I leave up high for justthat purpose. ...... ........."Henny Crew...errrr have ANY children. ?....we had to give up on Hazle nuts they just grew like weedsa and kept jumping the fence into other things ...damn I hateanything that grows so fast you can't control it ..don't you ? "Henny, are we on the same level here? For the last 5 years I've been fighting off ice storms,droughts, Japanese Beetles and any other varmit who thought they could get away with messinwith my nuts.:) It has been a pet project of mine and the last time I checked there are stillonly two of them...hell, I still don't know which one is the male or female. Untill two yearsago I wasn't sure they were going to make but they have. Last year was my best crop of nuts everand by the looks of them this year it promises to be even better. Obviously you know somethingabout them that I don"t. Care to share? "

lauratealeaf - We have a Buckeyetree in our front yard. Itis great shade but it's hard to keep any grass growing. Some one who lived in our house before usplanted some pretty daffodils and tulips and other pretty flowers and shrubs that I can't identify.My sister stole that gene from me I guess. Just talking about flowers makes me sneeze

Flapsup - My main focus is tonot go near, contemplate, or even consider a garden. My wife is threatening to do something thisyear and I don't have the heart to tell her that it is 3 months too late for the plants she lovesand just the right time for the plants she hates.

ENTERTAINMENT

J-Lo update posted this week byour Kitten withan article about littleJenny bareing more than usual in a little home movie...bad Jennifer....I suspect that's whyPuffy dumped her, I mean come on.....he has his standards. Anyway, the women on the Pipeare upset and think Jenny poo should be scorned for her bad girl behavior: ...I agreewith Phoenix, she just needs agood spanking....and maybe you should walk a mile in her thong before bashing her.

Kitten - "Heh HehHeh. So the nipple queen now worries that people won't think she's a virgin anymore? Don'tdo the crime if you can't do the time, j.lo."

SunnyUSA -"She is soover-rated and full of herself.... I really don't see what all the hype is about her. She has noclass that's obvious - and because she wore that HO - topless dress at the Oscars she got verylittle TV/press coverage because it was obscene to show audiences ...... That stunt backfiredon her plus you are the company you keep - and apparently she likes slimey company. ....How long till we see scum Clinton and her dining together? "

YOU KNOW YOU ARE ADDICTED TO PBN WHEN

1.Your kids call you by your PBN screen name.2.You change your PBN ID to something very short like " ME" so you can bethe fastest "POSTER".3.You know what the word "TOSS" MEANS4.Your spouse leaves you messages on threads. 5.You subscribe to magazines that have " PBN Material" items. 6.You meet all of your friends on PBN. 7.You sit online all day and have aquired "PIPEBOMBBUTT". 8.You kids have quickly learned "in a minute" translates to "get it yourself my buttis velcroed to the chair"9. Your toddlers know how to prepare their own breakfast. 10. You wake up and your dogs run get in the computer chair! They know where your going!! 11. You have your groceries delivered because you afraid of missing out on a thread.12. Instead of a TV in your kitchen, you've moved the computer there, so you won't miss thechance to post while fixing supper. 13. You keep a porta potty by the computer.

Most disturbing honors of the week go to MisterDawg thisweek for this little gem.........Erika on fitness: "By thetime that is spent posting, I'd imagine the repeated conservative poster is at least 35 poundsover weight, probably closer to 50 pounds overweight. It's the GOP conservative theme. Theymust have an intake calorie of 10,000 daily to fight of the liberals who average 2,500 calorieintake. This caloric reductiion, as seen by the GOP, is nothing more than evil. A imit offreedom. Every GOP American has the God-given right to be 50 pounds over weight and drive a SUV"........Rosie onDisneyland: - "The last time I was there will be the last time I was there!When my grandkids ask why all that touchy-feely crap is going on between the samegender, was the time I decided to leave and never go back. It galls me to seeheterosexuals making out in public and I have asked quite a few to calm down orleave Pat's bar! Most of the homosexuals I saw were doing foreplay in front of thekids. Yukkk!"......austin also onthe Magic Kingdom - "I justgot back yesterday from Disney World. Twointeresting things happened while there. We use to stay at one of the resortsnamed "Dixie Landing." We didn't see any signs referring to Dixie Landing. Weasked a Disney Bus driver and he said Disney changed the name and it is now justpart of Port Orleans resort. Then at MGM Theme Park, there is an attraction thatuse to feature a shoot-out between Chicago Mob guys depicting the old Mob days.All of the characters were Italian and the there was a real life actor featuredthat spoke with an Italian accent. They had changed the script and now the villainis a white cowboy. My wife noticed this and told me she noticed it. I have hertrained to notice this sort of thing. Is this PC or what?"

MOTHER'S DAY

Another Mother's Day came and went this week and to honor all the Pipe Mothers out thereI am selecting the following post:

SHENANDOAH"I hug my Mother in my thoughts! And if an award were given out for the "Mommy of Mommies", I believemy wife would win it, hands down. Happy Mothers Day to all of the Mommies of Pipebomb! My hat's off to you all!"

...and of course a Mother's Dayresponce from Erika: - "...Mothers day was beautiful, as it should be. If a mother has done a goodjob, the seeds of hatred are dead. Werealize that our emphasis lyes in our ability to produce thinking children, withouthate, hypocracy, and prejudice. ......Mothers do not teach hatred and prejudice. Those are Godly attributes. Whatdoes that have to do with politics?"....no comment.

Has the BUZZ File helped you?...that was the question we asked this week and hereare a few of the responses.

June - 43 years oldI had lost interest in intimate relations with my husband until The Buzz Files.I thought something was wrong with me. Now we are intimate like whenwe were first married. I can't wait until our vacation. I will print out the files and pack them!

Stella - 58 years oldMy husband is so loving now that I have found sex fun again.He is like the "young buck" I married years ago.

LynnI had a full hysterectomy at an early age and due to that a lot ofphysical changes that I wasn't mentally ready to deal with.The Buzz Files have put that smile back on my husbands face.When somebody asks 'do they work?', my husband willsmile and say, "Oh yeah does it ever!"

Liz - 42 years oldMy husband has found new life with The Buzz.Thanks to The Unknown Poster, our life is now perfect!

DisclaimerI am not a raving fundamentalist, a statist, a theorist, a theist, a theosophist, an egoist,fascist, communist, humanist, apologist for political or religious groups, or any other "ist"which you may be tempted to hang on me . If, for a while, the ruse of desire is calculable forthe uses of discipline soon the repetition of guilt, justification, pseudo-scientific theories,superstition, spurious authorities, and classifications can be seen as the desperate effort to"normalize" formally the disturbance of a discourse of splitting that violates the rational,enlightened claims of its enunciatory modality.

Buzzfile Week Ending 7 April, 01

Greetings everyone....despite the efforts of many .....welcome toanother edition ofthe BUZZ File.....asking: "If you went fishing for rubber boots, and accidentally caught afish, would you throw it back?".....PaPa's got a brand new bag.......Feral52 just couldn't resist and posted thishorrid picture this week. ....look, I am bagged for everyone's protection....and ribbed for pleasure too.....BREAKING.....Collision of US Plane and Chinese Jet fighter now blamed on the distractionof rich Texas Oil men civilians on board.......Before we get into it this week, I want to layclaim to the name "Puff Daddy"...turns out Sean doesn't want it anymore...could it have alittle something to do with Jennifer not around to say "who's your Puff Daddy" to?....hmmmm........I don't think he is over her yet....Sean, was spotted this week buying a faux fur coat for aChihuahua.......let's see now.......who owns a Chihuahua?...oh ya....Jennifer.

"If Frankenstein had just had decent day care, things might not have turned out the way theydid. Having a dad who was working all day, a mom who was never home, no brothers to speak of (or anyhe could claim without some type of DNA testing), grandparents his dad used for body parts --Frankenstein, being an only child, just needed the nurturing hands (feet, and other usefulappendages) of decent daycare. There is something to be said for good ol' two parent,traditional family-life. Imagine being born a 40-something conglomeration of otherwise useless,currently unneeded organs, lacking spiritual guidance, forced to leave the crib after thelightening strikes, thought of as incredibly ugly, really tall, somewhat stupid, with thesocial skills of the dead, and no place to go after school. And dad, being the mad scientisthe is, abandoning his creation while he tickers in a dark dungeon. If only he would havesought out decent day care, where dozens of other children (and a few 40-something conglomerations) hadthe comfort of regulated, paid-by-the-hour attendants who could feed him, teach him how to playcards with the other children, let him sleep in a row starting at 2 pm for approximately one hour,and keep Frankenstein amused with plastic junk until dusk when the Baron would pull the Cadillacaround back to take his wonderful, 6 foot 10 inch monster home for involuntary retraining in thereal world."

PIPEBOMBNEWSANIMAL KINGDOM

There have beenmany new posters joining the ranks of Pipebombnews lately and I have been invitedto explore the terain and post a field guide to the various critters that dwell and roam thisstrange land. We don't want anybody to cark it or come a gutser. Now I'm no drongo and, as fit asa Mallee bull, so I have taken special care to protect myself. Most of these animals won't bite unlessyou poke them with a stick. So I am going to try and poke them with a stick. While new species arealways being discovered and classified, the following should be of general assistance to atraveler. Spending time in this wild kingdom is enough to make anybody hit the turps.

1. - Postus Lastsecondus...Very common especially towards the end of a thread. Very quick and hard to pin down. Usually notaggressive unless provoked. If you catch one put all your weight on this animal, andendeavor to slip the rope under its top jaw and not get your hand bitten off...

2. - Proxy Respondius....Slow and usually very tame. This is usually a very aggresive poster, buthe's got a belly full of skinks so he shouldn't give you any problems. Their plodding pace isindicative of a mild disposition. Don't be deceived though, they have been known to take down full-grownLastsecondus' with their persistence. Use caution. , Imagine this big jigger runningthrough the scrub, chasing you down!

3. - Lowball Indecisivneus...Identified by their quick pseudo-strike, they make all themotions of striking at their foes, but they lack the decisiveness to actually cause any harm. Mayfool some into leaving them alone by their sometimes rapid pseudo strikes, but rarely ever drawblood. Can be ignored for the most part as harmless...but be careful muckin' about their nest.

4.- Lowball Winocerous...a close relative of the above species, but are easily identified bytheir annoying call. "bahhh..wahhh" Easily the most disliked of the fauna to be found on the Pipe...they are a dying breed due to their inability to find mates. Like the above, they can be ignored asharmless and can be tracked by their discarded tinnies scattered in the brush.

5. - Threadicus Snipeinteruptous...An odd duck, rare but visible at times, this strange animalattracts the above species, then attempts to drive the Posturous away. No one can explain why they dothis. By Crickey these scare me!

6. - Scammerius Grandious...A sly animal who entices it's prey with fake news articles. Theyare rare, but dangerous animals. They are hard to spot, and harder to catch. Beware and use extremecaution when responding to their posts. These run so fast that I had to drive flat out like a lizarddrinking just to keep up with them

7. - Extensionus Stupideous...Very common poster who bump threads and will give you a fair suckof the sav! Found throughout the Pipepastures. These creatures leave their smelly excrement in the most traveled places, but are too numerousto control. This is the reason we recommend boots when traveling in Pipebomb domain.

8. - Pinkus Superviserious...The elusive and sub-dominant species in our domain. They are seldomactually seen, but evidence of their presence is found as a liberal pink area in the normally neutralcolored political pasture. Their high pitched cry is listened to by all the other species, and rare is theanimal who will challenge them. If you do challenge them best be cautious as theirpostings have been known to give headaches. Best left alone.

9. - Lurkus Stinkus...A common species of poster, which is known to emerge suddenly fromits lair, bite the unwary, then these yabbos scurry back to their hole. Best to avoid them, and please...do not feed (argue with) them.

10. - Porno Postorus Immatureous...Seldom seen, but most annoying with its odious posting droppings. They are rarely spotted because they are usually caught, and released elsewhere.

11. - Newby Innocentius...A friendly little guy and an earbasher, they come right up to you and nibble yourgoods! They are protected under rules polices, and are not normally dangerous, but are unpredictableand should be treated with reasonable care. These sly creatures will surely give you a technicoloryawn unless you take care.

12. - Posterious Adversarium...Two different animals all together.Crickey! These critters are really hard to understand. They seemto follow each other and feed off of each others posts. While they will hunt and post alone they reallyheat up when the other is near. Known to scent their territory. Best to just observefrom a distance.

13. - Flammus Everytimus Ad nauseum...these are the last of the species we arediscussing. They are real wobblies and quick to anger, and slow to respond to a calming voice, but can betamed with reasonable attention. Do not provoke. Best to avoid if possible, but if cornered,do not panic...they sound viscous, but are a toothless little Galah. They quickly tire and will soon leave on theirown. Keep your eye out for these creatures, and your visit to Pipebomb world will be rewardingand fun.

What's In Your Local Paper?

The Publisher's Poll this weekasked a very simple question..." What's News In Your Local Paper?"....posters had not so simple answers:

swampgas My local paperhas for the most part turned into a liberal rag......2 or 3 times a week the front page story isabout the celebration of 'diversity' and 'multiculturalism.' We have a mostly white population inthe area and the local universities along with their propaganda arm...the local paper are tryingto force it down our throats through 'brainwashing techniques' on the front pages. I know ofseveral people who have canceled their subscriptions because they're fed up with it.

lauratealeaf "our localpaper is the Stars and Stripes and it is about the military over here for the most part. It does giveus the national news and some local from the states. But, usually the headline news stories are aboutsomething that is happening in the military. For example, in today's Stripes the headline articles areabout the second body being found at the Scotland crash site, the Kosovo mortar attack and the troublein Macedonia. Since the American military is made up of Americans from every state (well, probably notMassachusetts) the "local news" here can have much larger implications."

kiwinews "My neighborhoodpaper's a monthly and its main story is about amassive facelift for a buttugly Seventies SocialistConcrete shopping/apartment complex. Interestingly it finally admits what the rest of the world hasknow for thirty years - overcrowding in UGLEE architecture makes people aggressive - DUH! Shoppersstay home - DUH! A concrete "conversation pit" (rememberthem?) in an outdoor mall space collectstrash, urine, and broken ankles. .....So maybe there're larger implications to the "ding dongfuglee concrete's dead while fuglee green glass marches on" story, I don't know. "

Erika "My newspaper is the IdahoStatesman. Our annual legislative session ended yesterday and if you are interested in viewing theactions of the most republican state in the nation, you can visit it at www.IdahoStatesman.com.Idaho's legislature is 100% white and 89% republican. Politics must require hostility because therepublicans are heatedly fighting each other. "

cricket "Our local mulletwrapper is mostly involved with reports of 9 inches of rain overnight after weeks of drought. Alsonew rules for boaters to protect the manatees. And our Sec of State Harris was at a repubbie functionlast night. That's about it for excitement around here. "

Interested in taking a look at hometown papers...check out this link...I would like to make aregular feature in the column of a local news story, so if you run into something interesting inyour local paper please send it in to me.

- PIPE GEMS -

JHman on Hill findingreligion: - "Perhaps now finding herself old and ugly, deserted by what little of a husbandshe had, with no real relationship with her daughter. She feels the stirings of emptyness in hersoul and seeking spiritual enlightment she grabs her bible and dashs to the be amongst those whoworship the true and living God in hopes of finding that guideing ray her heart so despratelyseeks. She fights her way to the forfront in hopes of a blessing, grasping for that touch ofheavenly redemption and divine solace....but then again maybe not. ".......Banshee on RogerClinton:"Roger Clinton is an example of white trash that Senator Robert Byrd (D-WV) wastalking about when he mentioned the White "N" word on TV recently."......Alysarah on Girl Scouts: "Yegads! Is there anything liberalism hasn't corrupted? How wonderful that Girl Scouts can now get abadge for coping with stress. I'd rather have my granddaughters in the Boy Scouts"... JHman makes it in the Gemstwice this week also on Girl Scouts: "From the GirlScouts to the Garbage Scouts. Just what I want my daughter dressed up like ahiphop slut bringing home badges on how to hate her father and other males in the family. Noton my watch! ".....Shenandoah "Civilianscannot comprehend the incalculable damage Clinton has perptrated on ourArmed Forces."...

"We have a President who stole the presidency through familyties, arrogance and intimidation, employing Republican operatives to exercise the tactics ofvoter fraud by disenfranchising thousands of blacks, elderly Jews and other minorities....."

Half-empty bottles of Southern Comfort scattered throughout a sparsely furnished suburban livingroom. The smell of week-old vomit lingers in the stale air. A woman, passed out in her own filth,is sprawled in the middle of the room, erupting into violent convulsions at an hourly rate. Hershaking hand reaches to click on the Buzz File, and a handsome bagged man appears on thescreen. Her life is forever changed.

That passed-out woman was me, a few months ago. My life had fallen apart. All I had was alcoholand head lice. It was that day, that day I first laid eyes on your blank eyes, that I decided toget myself back on track. I owe it all to you. Yes, things were difficult, but I knew that you'd bethere for me, every Thursday. You got me through it all. I owe my life to you, Mr. Unknown Poster.When The Buzz File went off the net the other week, I was devastated. By then I had conquered myaddiction to alcohol and had moved to a penthouse in New York City and started wearing a bagmyself. But life was not the same without you. The only thing that kept me going was the hopethat you would have a new column, a place to bring laughter into the hearts of millions andinspire other alcoholic crackwhores like me to go straight. Alas, there was no article. And,until the highly disappointing Cecil B. Demented last year, there were no new movies either. Youabandoned me, TUP. Why?

The loss of THE BUZZ left a hole in my heart that will never be repaired. I tried, oh god,I tried. I've read every one of The Publishers' editorials, I've even (gulp) read the short cutson another site. While porno movies are enjoyable, they don't compare to you . I yearn to see yoursweet bagged face again, to hear your joyful laugh just once more. Every night, I cry myself to sleepwhile thinking about you. You've done so much good, just by coming into our computers every week and sharing your lifewith us. America needs and loves you. I don't wonder why America is going to hell in ahandbasket. I know why. It's because there's a hole in America's collective heart. In thehole's place used to be you. I implore you, on behalf of the United States of America andGod, to stay to the net. With your help, the world can be a place of peace and harmonyonce again. We love you.

anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

I know.....I know.....

.....Well that's it for this week Pipers...join us next week for"A Day At The Beach".....The UnknownPoster.

Buzzfile Week Ending 31 Mar, 01

Hello fellow posters and welcome to the Buzz File......Your one-stop shoppingfor meaningless drivel. The K-Mart ofsatire, The Chapel of Contempt in our Cathedral of Politics... powered by California PG&E... ...... The smoking lamp is on..... If you ever wonder if someone gets addicted to counseling.... how could you treat them?....then you are at the right place...... ....BREAKING.....George W. Bush is very concernedabout Dick Cheney's recent health problems. Now Dubya knows he's only a heartbeat away fromthe presidency.........submissions to the Buzz, as always, may be sent through the pipe withthe word BUZZ in the subject line.............PUBLICSERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT...(via Feral)...actress Winona Ryder arrives at the 73rd annual Academy Awards....no comment.... we have a full platethis week so let's get going.....

Our look atChelsea ....I know I know you are expecting another rash of Chelsea jokes like "What doyou get when you cross a hillbilly and alesbian? Chelsea."....but we at the Buzz do not stoop to low humor...we were going to bring you breakinginformation about that creepy little Pepsi girl thanks to the sluthing of Feral52, but ourfeature article this week isthe result of weeks of work and hundreds of man hours.......... WORLD EXCLUSIVE...lost for over a decade at the bottom of the box of Hillary's billing records an old TeenBeat magazine has been discovered and has fallen into the hands of our source who we onlyknow as shallow larynx. Afraid for his safety, he has sent in the following shockingdrawings that were stuck between the magazine pages..... Yes.....fellow pipebombers.....at long last......Chelsea's Lost Refrigerator Drawings. have been found....we here at the Buzz are not psychologists and present the artwork without comment.

- SHAKESPEARE for PIPERS -

lauratealeaf - "I have oftenwondered what the great writers of the past would think of the internet and our news forums........wonder what Kipling and Shakespeare would do with it?" ..... scooby - "If we took allthe great thinkers and artists out of history and plonked them down in our age, there wouldnever have been any Renaissance...."

Sun Times: - Sounded like a lark; a play about friends watching television staged...in a living room. But what you get is some sloppy and some achingly intimate work froma very good group ofactors (notably Jesse Jackson and Bill Clinton, who turns in one of thoseperformances you'll talk about for a long time). The story is merely a pretense for characterstudies which are, most often, successful. The action moves around and through the living room to thebathroom and youhave to focus hard to catch all the dialogue. But it's worth the work. The work needs breathingspace and by the time you have read this, director/writer The Unknown Poster should have tamed his venue,bringing the actors' voices up and the music down. If you are a fan of the Cassavetes films,this is a similar experience; quasi-vérité. Be warned; this is a bilingual work and you needto understand what the two bilingual characters say to each other.

Variety: - Though for all intents and purposes this is a very basic play about two peoplewatching television, it also has flashes of brilliance both in the text (whereplaywright The Unknown Poster revels in words, whipping their sounds around with the same relish as,say, Toni Morrison) and in the staging (also by The Unknown Poster who pulls lovely, simple imageryout of virtually nothing). However, it is about five minutes too long with two completelyextraneous scenes at the end which turn what is a mature, efficient dissection of arelationship (like we've all had or seen) into a drah-maw. The acting across the board ishuman and, a word I've never seen used for theatre, approachable. You move forward in yourseat for these people and the actors - Jesse Jackson and Bill Clinton - keepthings even. Worth a look because we'll be hearing more from this playwright.

The splashdown went down without a hitch and for those of you with Windows Media Player installed you can have a view of the lone Astronautat the controls of the Mir duringit's desent: Oh! No!....here is what somepipers had to say about the event this week.

Flapsup"In a few shortmoments, lost in the depths of the Pacific, the MIR will become a mere...memory...mired in themud of the deep blue sea, mirrored in the minds of mere men...forever mired in mud... merelymusing MIR"

- PIPE GEMS -

GrannyK"In the categoryof things you should never admit on the internet, it was SUCH a lovely day here that Iput on my bathing suit and worked on my garden when I got my cooking done. Love these spring days.......don't worry Granny your secret is safe with me....... Monitor on MadCow Disease: "I'm not the black helicopter tinfoil hat wearing conspiracy type, buthas anyone else wondered if maybe these animal diseases aren't being spread to herds onpurpose? Peta has been known to do some really outrageous things, but even this would beover the edge for them. But still, I can't help wondering. It's certainly turning morethan a few folks into vegetarians. "........best Hillary bashing picture and comment of the weekgoes to Banshee forposting thispicture along with comment: "Her Lowness, Hillary the Socialist, living in splendor,pontificates to her subjects."

Kitten Update........Kitten checked into the Pipefrom her Asia tour this week. Not to say hi but to postanother Cannibal article.....and this one......"They got the priest eater in the philippines who is now running around loose. They gotthe dayaks down south doing their usual. Now they got the babyeater up in taiwan acting like aliberal. In a 1000 mile span, three different kinds of cannibals! Must be something in the air!" ..."G R E E T I N G S - F R O M - S I N G A P O R E ! ......"I could not be happier - just checking in from my favorite sing-sing cybercafe and am happyto report that this place is cleaner, prettier, richer and stronger than I remember it three yearsago! Go Singapore!!!! Meanwhile, I guess cannibal business isn't confined to Indonesia. So,not only is Singapore surrounded by pirates, it's also surrounded by cannibals. How doessuch a place manage to stay so nice??? ....oh oh!.....now she is seeing them everywhere."

Greetings Pipers!.....And welcome to yet another edition of the Buzz file....the onlyinternet column that asks..."if you were the only man left on the planet and Hillary the onlywoman....would you?".....before we get going, I want to take a minute to offera Public Service Announcement. ..... BREAKING......Space Shuttle Crashes Into Mir Space Station Due To DistractionOf Civilians On Board ....... The Buzz everywhere this week is the falling stock market. I don't really worry aboutit as I put my moneyinto Gary Coleman memorabilia and kangaroo meat years ago. If you haveinvestment tips to share with your fellow posters....email me....I may not be with you next weekas you all know Mir willbe coming down later today or tomorrow and I am in the flight path. For those concerned, or justwant to watch and see if I get hit, you can follow the re-entry at MirEntry.....and remember.....they say it carries a mutant space fungus....also this week.......The state of Vermont has firmly abolished gay weddings in their fair land this week...no news about gay wedding planners though....... THE AUSTRALIANS ARE COMING THEAUSTRALIANS ARE COMING.....yes the 2001world KingKangaroo touris coming to America and we are attempting to gather and print here an itinerary...so far all wehave gleaned from his posts are stops in Los Angeles, Kansas City, Chicago and Toronto......many are wondering if he is mobbed up.......stay tuned.

"Life is like a box of chocolates -- a cheap, thoughtless perfunctory gift thatnobody ever asks for; unreturnable, because all you get back is another box of chocolates. Soyou are stuck with this undefinable whipped mint crap that you mindlessly wolf down and thereis nothing left to eat. Sure, once in a while there is a peanut butter cup or English toffee, butthey are gone too fast and the taste is fleeting. So you end up with nothing but broken bits filledwith hardened jelly and teeth-shattering nuts. If you are desperate enough to eat those all you havegot left is an empty box filled with useless brown paper wrappers."Cancer Man (X Files)

SURVIVOR

Well the game went bust, but I think we did learn a few things about ourselves. With that inmind I offer the following essay on the social dynamics and inner personal relationshipsthat developed here on the Pipe.

Total presence breaks on the univocal predication of the exterior absolute theabsolute existent (of that of which it is not possible to univocally predicate anoutside, while the equivocal predication of the outside of the absolute exterior ispossible of that of which the reality so predicated is not the reality, viz., of thedark/of the self, the identity of which is not outside the absolute identity of theoutside, which is to say that the equivocal predication of identity is possible of theself-identity which is not identity, while identity is univocally predicated of thelimit to the darkness, of the limit of the reality of the self). This is the realexteriority of the absolute outside: the reality of the absolutely unconditionedabsolute outside univocally predicated of the dark: the light univocally predicatedof the darkness: the shining of the light univocally predicated of the limit of thedarkness: actuality univocally predicated of the other of self-identity: existenceunivocally predicated of the absolutely unconditioned other of the self. The precisionof the shining of the light breaking the dark is the other-identity of the light. Theprecision of the absolutely minimum transcendence of the dark is the light itself/theabsolutely unconditioned exteriority of existence for the first time/the absolutelyfacial identity of existence/the proportion of the new creation sans depth/the lightitself ex nihilo: the dark itself univocally identified, i.e., not self-identityidentity itself equivocally, not the dark itself equivocally, in "self-alienation,"not "self-identity, itself in self-alienation" "released" in and by "otherness,"and "actual other," "itself," not the abysmal inversion of the light, the realityof the darkness equivocally, absolute identity equivocally predicated of theself/selfhood equivocally predicated of the dark (the reality of this darknessthe other-self-covering of identity which is the identification person-self).

It thus relativizes discourse not just to form--that familiar perversion of themodernist; nor to authorial intention--that conceit of the romantics; nor to afoundational world beyond discourse--that desperate grasping for a separatereality of the mystic and scientist alike; nor even to history and ideology--thoserefuges of the hermeneuticist; nor even less to language--that hypostasizedabstraction of the linguist; nor, ultimately, even to discourse--that Nietzscheanplayground of world-lost signifiers of the structuralist and grammatologist, but toall or none of these, for it is anarchic, though not for the sake of anarchy butbecause it refuses to become a fetishized object among objects--to be dismantled,compared, classified, and neutered in that parody of scientific scrutiny known ascriticism.

Rebuttals are, of course, welcome and can be sent to the BUZZ.

Quotes of the week....George W. Bush..... ``A lot of times in the rhetoric, people forget the facts. And the factsare that thousands of small businesses -- Hispanically owned or otherwise -- pay taxes atthe highest marginal rate, because most small businesses are not incorporated, they're soleproprietorships...,''

``We thought it would be so subversive to take someone who's real, and maybe alittle vilified, and try to make everybody love him.''......-- TREY PARKER, co-creator of ``That'sMy Bush,'' a comedy series about PRESIDENT GEORGE W. BUSH.

" How would you like to be beheaded and eaten by a scumbag named WeeWee? "....Kitten

As everyone knows, our Kitten has been keeping us up-to-date on the little Cannibalproblem going on in Indonesia. Boy has she been keeping us up-to-date. You may remember herquote from last week:

"I know few people care, but the f***ing cannibals are getting away withit. They know no one cares. Obviously Indonesia cannot be invaded but there should be sanctionson cannibal-made goods or some darn thing like that.".

Well....I put out the word for anyone who had suggestions of possible Cannibal made goods andpromised a mention in the Buzz this week to anyone who sent them in and withthat in mind:

From: mgc1122To: The Unknown Poster

Thought I'd take you up on a list of potentially cannibal made items. They are mostlyfood items and include: Head cheese Foot longs Rump roasts Bloody Marys And, if we are seriousabout this stuff, we should surely have an "arms" embargo (get it?). .....ya, we get it

Cannibal Editorial.......But are Cannibals getting a bad rap? Aren't they just people who are fed up with otherpeople? When they eat a clown, does it taste funny to them. Certainly there is danger inpassing a Cannibal in the woods. But Certainly they have manners like the rest of us and neverleave the table until everyone's eaten. Or if arriving late to dinner I imagine they receive acold shoulder from the host. When they watch television wouldn't they laugh like us while watchinga celebrity roast?.....Their children attend schools as we do and like us, butter up theirteachers. I say it is time we embrace our diversity. If two Cannibals are sitting by a fire andone blurts out "I hate my mother-in-law", we should empathize and say "so try thepotatoes"...I just wonder how Martha Stewart would host a Cannibal party. Thanksto Feral52 for finding andposting this article showing we have arich history in eating our own here in the US as well.

Cannibals in the news.....A Filipino cannibal who killed and ate a priest said people should no longer fear him because heturned vegetarian during his time in prison. Noberto Manero has been released from jailafter serving a 12-year sentence for murdering the Italian priest. When he was freed, he saidhe wanted to move to an area where there were few priests, claiminghe "no longer has a taste for men of the cloth".....article

People who eat People

People. People who eat peopleAre the hungriest people in the world. Some parents, fed up with being parents, After tanning their children's hide, Fried all the meat inside, And fed starving children their children.

Miners are tough and stringy people. They're the hungriest people in the world. With one person, one tough and stringy person, A feeling deep in your gutSays you were starved, now you're not. No more hunger and thirst, Be the first on your lifeboat to eat people. People who eat peopleAre the hungriest people in the world.

Kitten and Monica.....Kitten also reported this week on a thread that she "accidentally" bumped into Monica Lewinskion the streets of New York recently. I contacted The Real Monica handbag company and attemptedto verify this story, but only received the following reply:

"Ms. Lewinski is a famous person and people follow her all the time trying to initiatecontact. Unfortunately, people are always "bumping" into her either accidentally or on purpose. Wecan not and do not encourage strangers to approach her".......If Kitten has "accidently" bumped into you....email the Buzz...we want to hear about it.

THE PUBLISHER

The Publisher Weekly Editorial......The Publisher graced us this week with a look at the California power crisistitled California - HereIt Comes.

....."Gray Davis was hiding in a bunker in deserted downtown Sacramento, meeting withthe brain trust who had only 6 months earlier assured a nervous populace that there was noreason for alarm at the constantly increasing brown and blackouts"... ....

As it is the policy of the Buzz to offer equal time we present the following rebuttal.

phoenix: - Here we go again. I thinkall of you are being quite selfish. If you knew how much it costs to keep my hot tub going properlyyou wouldn't be so quick to criticize. Is it too much to ask that you all chip in just a little? Ifit wasn't for our great state most of the rest of you living in "lessor" type states would bedeprived of the culture and cutting edge politics that we export. I think a little gratitudeis in order here. I am shocked! Outraged! That The Publisher would whip you up into thisfrenzy. For without our high tech industry he would be relegated to handwriting his editorialsand sailing them out his office window as little folded airplanes. If you all would put yourenergies into say a battery drive, or as I have previously suggested, adopt a Californian, maybejust maybe, when this mess is over, we in the land of milk and honey might forgive you.

- PIPE GEMS -

Bestpicture posted on the pipe this week goes againto rustynail.... ..looks like Feral52 has a little competition in the graphics department.....On the "Worse Country Song Titles"thread Keri piped in withthese: "Worst title? Santa if You Want to Keep the Beer Real Cold, Put it Next to My Ex-wife'sHeart. Also--I Can't Get Over You Till You Get Out From Under Him"...... scooby on manhood -"He's got big balls, she's got big balls, but I've got the biggest balls of them all!"....very well scooby, but what about Janet Reno?..... Flapsup on the Bill forMayor of NYC - "They'll have to quit calling it the "Big Apple" because with Clinton it'll justend up rotten to the core. .......... gopher on theOscars: "I don't usually watch. I only like to see what kind of clothes they wear.... or don't wear as the case may be! Whatever happened to the nice sexy dresses that they usedto have. Left a little to the imagination! Now everyone and their dogs can see their appendixscar (along with all the goodies). The types of clothes they wear reminds me of a guy who goesaround bragging about his "equipment" or how "good" he is. If ya gotta brag, ya ain't got it!(or you're at least worried)".... IncaDove"The people I findmost annoying are those who are smug in what they believe-- smug believers, smug non-believers-- the most annoying people in the world. I generally find they have very little to be smug about. They overestimate themselves.".....well, that's your opinion.

Best Tit for Tat of the week

MisterDawg "God Kill the Queen!!!!!! I've found that pouring a gallon of bleach on the mound will accomplish that "

QueenElizabeth1 "MisterDawg, How Many Gallons of Bleach would it take to clean out your Filthy mouth?? "

Letter to the BUZZ of the week......edited...

Dear Unknown Poster, It has been so difficult for me to tell you this, but _______, I ______ you It's amazinghow much those _____ little words can mean. Yet they're not nearly enough to describea heart that's _______ with ______ and ______ only for you. When I think of the ______ we'll_____ together, I'm filled with ______ and _____. I only want to make you ______, and I wantto show you how much I ______ about ______. I want to know you're _____ forever, and that you'rewilling to _____ ____ with me. Please tell me that you _____ me ______. If only there werestronger ______ to ________ what I feel for you, but for now, I ______ you will have to do. Butimagine how wonderful it will be when ____ _____ you. Love,______________

Dear _____,You are more ________ than the _________ as the rising sun shatters the gray and castsgolden ribbons upon the horizon. _________ are more enchanting than midnight's silverstream, disrupting the _______ with life, magic, and light. _____ and_______ more alluringthan a siren's song. You sing to my ________ and _______, calling ______ to _____-. You have allthe grace and ________ of an ______ in flight, spreading _________ and _______- everywherewith a promise of forever.

Love,The Unknown Poster

That's if for now and as Confucius would say.... "Crowded elevator smell different to midget."...until next time....The Unknown Poster

DISCLAIMERThere is an extremely small but nonzero chance that, through a process known as "tunneling," thisarticle may spontaneously disappear from its present location and reappear at any random placein the universe, including your neighbor's domicile. The Buzz will not be responsible for anydamages or inconvenience that may result. The subatomic particles (electrons, protons, etc.)comprising this article are exactly the same in every measurable respect as those used in thewriting of other articles, and no claim to the contrary may legitimately be expressed or implied.Because of the "Uncertainty Principle," it is impossible for the reader to find out at the sametime both precisely where this product is and how fast it is moving. The most fundamental particlesin this article are held together by a "gluing" force about which little is currently known andwhose adhesive power cannot therefore be permanently guaranteed. Despite any other listing ofthis article contents found hereon, the reader is advised that, in actuality, this articleconsists of 99.999999999999% empty space.

Greetings once again Pipebombers! Welcome to a special edition of the BUZZ. You wouldhave to be living in a cave not to have heard about our intrepid Pipebomb survivors and "TheGame". This week you all get to meet your Survivors, learn a little more about it, and seewhat has been happening on the island of Cyberbonga........ But first ....many haveguessed, but no one got it right...... The winner of the Pipe Best Looking Babycontest was no other that our own Dogpatch cutie....little Daisymay ....thanksto everyone who sent in the pictures.....now on with the Survivors..... Feral was at itagain this week with this little graphicgem pictureand this one....and this one.... on theSurvivor game...... Dasisymay" Ican't tear myself away from this darn computer...hubby is looking at me with "that look" because Ikeep jumping up and running to the office to check in here and see what is happening with the"Survivor" game. I'm hooked!! "....us too Daisy.

Although many sent in their applications, only a few made the final cut. Justwho can survive....who has what it takes to survive the pipe?......You will remember from last week that the Survivor that sent in the best Haiku aboutthe Pipe won immunity from this weeks vote off the island....and the winner is.....

ok it might not be in exact haiku form, but we felt it was from the heart.....

Lets meet our survivors, see some of the haikus and what they had to say....My fellow Pipebombers. I am please to announce the following list of PipebombSurvivors. These brave posters will battle each other and suffer the taunts and mocking of thosewatching. Who among them has what it takes to survive the pipe?. CongratulationsSurvivors, you made the first cut and are players....you have already survived

1- Brynna7 - "Taught myself to use computer! That wasn't from being asurvivor--that qualifies as a miracle! "

2- Lauratealeaf - "I aminterested in playing your game survivor because it sounds like something that I can put on my resume .... Thank you very much, and most sincerely," "I'm in Lucyredboots....We are gonna have to playthe way we did in the back pasture with the neighborhood gang.....lots of big sticks forweapons and horses racing around after us and a stream to leap over"

4- Badeye- "I want to playthe "Survivor" game to hear at the end the screams of my fellow players agony,and the lamentation of their women and children. Haiku entry PBN Opens Wide Into it a Conservative Slides Liberals in decline

9- Rosie - "I want to play survivor to see if I have what it doesn't take to survive. My haikuis dedicated to Hennypenny so that if he plays he will help me survive. " Hennypenny is A diamond in the rough With a gold plated heart.

10- Nitewind -"I wouldlike to TOSS my hat in the ring for your SURVIVAL Challenge. I have as referencesholding my own and better against TOS the Liberal Media, Liberal Posters alongwith a few wayward Libertarians and Conservatives anywhere for over 3years. Besides I would really enjoy having a competition of sorts with ourAussie Buddies also, if they got the SPINE to join :)"

11- SunnyUSA" I'dlike to test my 'survivor' skills in your little pipebomb challenge. > I'm notsure what the challenges will be, but I'm willing to try my best and > find away to beat some of the liberals/or friends on this forum. This is a > prettyinteresting study in human dynamics and psychology and I think we all >secretly like to think we are all survivors, but rarely get tested in real >life. (or we have no idea we were being tested, till it was 'over') I >recently saw Cast-a-Way so I know 'how to make fire' and 'crudelysharpened > tools' and I'm good at 'talking to myself' LOL ...and then there is my > 'winning personality and smile' butyou'll have to take my word on that! > I'd like to play! :)"The PipeBomb Haiku for Immunity: From all Walks of life we Sit to Post Facts, Fights, Laughs or lurk Pipebomb's more fun than work!

12- USVisitor(JJ)" JJ has brought transportation to our cyber island asindicated by this picture he postedof his gallant steed." Haiku: A Bit of Brit grit, Is what is needed to win, When the war begins.

13- Flapsup -" Okay...sign me up for survivor, because I can be as incorrigible, conniving, > cunning,and scheming as the next bomber, not to mention trustworthy, loyal, andbrave. All for fun of course. "Pipes are roads The bombs of thought Art of words

While sailing the South Pacific on BillMayer's private yacht, the SS"Hillary" a storm suddenly attacks theboat. As the boat breaks apart, the survivors grab and claw at the lone liferaft. The Publisherjabs at them with his oar and shouts "get away...you will swamp my dingy"....As the Survivorstred water, the dawn reveals a smallisland rising from the shrouded mist in an eternal fog. Our group of castaways pull themselvesonto the deserted beach. The sandis littered with wreckage and the bodies of their dead fellow travelers. A quick head count ofthe living reveals our 13 survivors. While Survivor SunnyUSA and SurvivorScooby check the pockets of the dead, one of the figures moves....... It isalive! Horribly disfigured from the accident and unable to speak, it is quicklywrapped in Palm leaves. Apparently there is a fourteenth survivor.......Takingstock of their meager supplies, they find three blankets, 500 pounds of moldypotatoes, three matches, a box of Phoenix's cheezy romance novels, a case of libertarianpamphlets, a blow up love doll, and a knife. There is ample drinkingwater and firewood available.......Where the beach ends, a dark andforbidding forestlooms. Strange animal noises can be heard in thedarkness. At the forest edge there is an alter of some sort, indicating that theisland is indeed visited from time to time by the bloodthirsty dreaded Bongas. Next to the alter is acrude sign written in Bongaleze pointing toward a path that reads NADREG!

(the following was chosen by the luck of a draw) Survivor SunnyUSAvolunteers to take care of the "mystery survivor"....... Survivor Lauratealeafrefuses to live in the crude shelter the group builds on the beach line andconstructs a treefort above the camp in a tall palm...... Survivor USVisitor shows an amazingability to catch fish...... Survivor Badeye has a problem with the food and develops a gas problem....... Survivor GrannyK dives for the knife and neatly tucks it in her waistband........ Survivor Nitewind displays an amazing ability to build fires by rubbing sticks together........ Survivor Rosie finds that she is a very good sand castle builder........ Survivor Sandpaints, (along with her Tweety who also survived), feelsdizzy most of the time, (might be from a head thump due to the shipwreck).... SurvivorCrewBall hears voices and is very good at swinging on the jungle vines....... Survivor Flapsup has discovered he really likesto sing.......Survivor Scooby is scared of the dark but finds he has the ability to swing on junglevines.......Survivor Brynna7 thinks it's just fine on theisland and doesn't ever want to leave.....and Survivor Swampgas...well, he may have a dark andmysterious past.

The island....week 1......The survivors have spent the week building their shelter and forming alliances. While the gameis fairly static, (see rules posted in last week's BUZZ), and revolves aroundvoting one of their own from the island, to keep it interesting and have some fun, we are goingto incorporate some of what the Survivors do and say on the island of Cyberbonga. After all,like real life, your actions or inaction's.....affect you.....no you can't magically find a radiobut we will pay attention to realistic actions.......The following are comments made thisweek by some of our survivors on the threads. This week the survivors failed to burythe dead from their shipwreck. This unfortunately allowed one of their members to contractthe dreaded Bongaitis disease. It is quite fatal and drawing a name fromthe hat....Survivor USVisitorhas perished. But as the cycle of life and death goes on, due to the excellent care bySurvivor SunnyUSA, the Mystery Survivor has healed enough to take his place among the group.....he is revealed to be......Survivor Hennypenny...... Also I have received an email that one of theSurvivors may be planning.....a little thinning of the competition.....I am calculating the oddsand will figure it into the next week Survivor report.

Reply 80 - Posted by: lauratealeaf on Saturday, March 3 - 08:36 PM SunnyUSA......I will be scouting for a lime tree for you. That will help our 14th survivor's wounds....and a little bit of palm frond tea will help stench the flow of blood.

Very good Survivor lauratealeaf. Without someone trying to find medicine, the mystery survivor wasgoing to die today. As a result of your action, the mystery survivor will feel a bond withyou which makes survivor SunnyUSA jealous.

Reply 72 - Posted by: Sunny USA on Saturday, March 3 - 08:26 PM I'm glad I am going through the pockets of the dead with scooby....we recover some pictures,money, ID's and some advil still in a container and not water logged....I'll save this forthe mystery survivor and anyone else who may get sick.

Survivor Sunny, it is realistic that someone had Advil in their pocket. Your Advildoes indeed make a difference. He will be quite grateful to you, however, Survivorlauratealeaf is jealous.

Reply 136 - Posted by: GrannyK on Sunday, March 4 - 06:01 AM "...Survivor GrannyK dives for the knife and neatly tucks it in her waistband..." She pretends to awaken, yawning, after having been out all night scoutingfor medicinal herbs for the badly wounded, helpless unknown survivor. The light ofthe moon revealed the thrilling sight of the yada-yada-yada leaves, which causeintense silliness when applied as a poultice, though their curative powers are well known... She tucks the leaves around the badly wounded survivor, and slips away into theunderbrush again, following the mysterious call of the rhino-chicken, known for it'svicious beak, slashing spurs, eagle eye, and tender, juicy, moist delicious flesh...

That was nice of you Survivor GrannyK. Your poultice will indeed help heal themystery survivor. He will be most grateful and feel a bond with you. Survivorlauratealeaf and Survivor SunnyUSA are, however, now jealous.

Reply 112 - Posted by: Flapsup on Saturday, March 3 - 10:48 PM Our freshwater supply is meager. First thing in the morning I will move fartherinland. It has rained here recently so I will look for a stream along the downslope ofthe mountain. I ponder my fellow survivors and wonder if they realize the true dangerhere. They frolic now like children in the forest. Can't blame them. We were on the raftfor days. I gaze at the palms slowly swaying in the sea breeze and feel my eyes gettingheavy and thanks to the mist that covers the peaks of the mountain, the hag is hiddenfrom my vision. Tomorrow is a new day. We must find water...we must.... Flapsup's Map

Very good survivor Flapsup. You have indeed discovered a fresh water supply. Also youhave discovered a deserted wooden fort type structure built of giant logs with a forty foot highlog swinging gate built to keep something out. Directly in front of the gate is an uprightsturdy wooden pole. You are also correct, there is no way over the lava or over the volcano. You have,however, discovered the steps leading to the top of the Volcano.........I am concernedabout you smoking the local island weed though. You do realize that the Bongas make Zombiepowder out of that stuff?

Very well CrewBall. Consider yourself cursed. Here in the native islands of the Bongasyou are starting to go native as your Bonga blood no longer held back by the confines ofpolite society begins to boil. Your mind drifts back to the old stories told to you byyour mother and you hear the Bonga songs in your head. You cast aside the clothes youwore and fashion a native Bonga warrior thong and penis sheath.

Reply 17 - Posted by: Rosie on Wednesday, March 7 - 09:03 PM I hope I don't wake up dead! Or better yet, you guys better hope I don't wakeup dead! The mystic powers I already have will intensify in the hereafter makingyou all shudder and huddle together in fear. There will then be no winners andeach of you will beg for an early vote but none of you will be able to vote andyou will be floating in cyber space forever, known as CYBER HELL! THE ROSE KNOWS!

Rosie, I am appointing you island moral officer

The first vote........

It has been a week since the band has been stranded . They have gathered this day tovote one of their fellow castaways to sail off on a small raft to look for help. Withweary shaking fingers they turn and point to......Survivor Nitewind ...Thetribe has spoken.

With great ceremony, Former Survivor Nitewind is put on the crude raft and forced at spearpoint into the openocean. As the raft slowly drifts out of sight and pulled by the tide, the lastthe island survivors see is the small raft crashing into the reef. They turn grimly away andstare at the now rumbling volcano as the sharks slowly circle the wreckage....Survivors GrannyK and Rosie pour a little of their Bonga Berry hooch on the sand in the memory of their fallen survivor.......next week's blind draws.....someone falls asleep on fire watch.....the volcano must be apeased.......a discovery is made?

This week's immunity challenge......This week immunity challenge: Attached to the altar at the end of the beach is a dried MonkeyPaw. Tethered to the Paw is a note written in Bongaeze. First survivor to decipherthe note, gets the Monkey Paw, immunity from next week's vote, and perhaps more...First email to me.

Kiwinews, who is floatingoff the island and observing, wrote the following theme song for our survivors... The Ballad of the Pipebomb SurvivorsOK Here it is in the key of F major- The ballad of gilligans..ooops Pipe Bomb island Just squat right down, switch on your screen and give your mouse a click We're gonna tell a tale of a PipeBomb Game and tell it pretty quick (With no ref'rence to "Slick") The game is a mighty simple game, with really simple rules: Pretend you are stranded on a cyber isle with posters and no tools (conservatives and fools) Next week things'll start getting rough, we'll vote on who gets tossed. Last person on the isle will win the others will have lost. (>DUH, others will have lost!) So here they are assembled on our Pipe Bomb Desert Isle: With Granny Kaaay And Badeye too... (deedledeedle deet deee) The Village mayor Laura T... Miss USA (woo woo) And Flapsup And surely more... that just won't rhyme... THAT OUGHT TO HOLD Y'ALL FOR A WHILE!!! HEY!

Thoughts to survive by........Brynna7 Thoughts to Survive by~~~ 1. Rule of survival: Pack your own parachute. ----- T.L. Hakala2. Whenever you are asked if you can do a job, tell 'em "Certainly I can!" and get busy andfind out how to do it. --- Theodore Roosevelt3. There isn't a person anywhere that isn't capable of doing more than he thinks he can. --- Henry Ford 4. Our greatest glory is not in never falling but in rising every time we fall. --- Confucius 5. It's not the size of the dog in the fight that matters, it's the size of thefight in the dog! ---Anon. 6. The difference between perseverance and obstinacy is, that one often comes from astrong will, and the other from a strong won't.--- Henry Ward Beecher 7. Never, never, never, never give up. --- Winston Churchill 8. Patience and Perseverance have a magical effect before which difficulties disappearand obstacles vanish. --- John Quincy Adams9. The difference between a successful person and others is not a lack of strength, nota lack of knowledge, but rather a lack of will. --- Vince Lombardi10. There is only one way to succeed in anything, and that is to give it everything. --- Vince Lombardi

HENNYVILLE

There have been so many letters to the BUZZ lately about having the Mayor sendin more writing, that I asked him to pen something on the survivor game....The following is un-edited and as submitted in true Hennypenny style.....here it is and thank you Mayor.

Hennyville, Sunday , feb. 28th 'Morning Shirley' ...damn it, Henny you come in here ,every morning for what , the last 10 years and every time youcall me Shirley, and then I say ,'my names not Shirley' and you say hi ! Rose. Lets end this crap, OK ? What do you want , Green eggs an Ham ? Well gee, Rose who stole your Fun Bunny ? and wherein the hell is the crowd ? Sam , Judge ,Oops, where in the hell is everybody else ? Well, Hennythat's what rose is mad at I suspect.... YOU, " Me what have I done now , Rose ,I ask, looking ather with my best pitiful look.Is my bill to high. I know ! a customer gone an died on you and stiffed you..errr so to speak. " 'Henny watson you have driuven me into bankruptcy.'' Judge will you handleit for me ? This fool has run off all my customers, with that cyber shit he has been spouting allweek. First it was Gladys, then Mel and Susan. Yesterday none of the police came in and all thenurses been going over to that damn dikes for breakfast. All because you mentioned that Survivorgame on Pipe bomb. The whole crowd is either watching and choosing up sides or playing. Noneof you have good sense, your mother knew it and Rosalie wears it like the curse of Job. Hennyyou have plumb ruined me and are driving me to the grave, Doc...Oops, get your fanny over here;I am dizzy and gonna faint. " Looking at me and smiling , Oops ,t'he family man of medicine',as we often call him , said," Rosie , you are on your last legs kid , no more greasy sausageand eggs shall ever pass your way again . Fellows guess we best be getting our monogrammedcoffee cups and moving them down the street to Nells Place. Right Doc, the food is bad butthen so are them hooters of hers. Y'all ready ? quiet now , don't want to disturb the fadinglady . You have never seen a faster recovery , Rose is back behind the counter having decidedthat she ' reckons she can make it till the end of the day". Mel has just come in , said hewas just voted off the island , what ever THAT means, seems he was lied to by , he said ,whathe thought was a sweet little old lady. thing won't get better between me and Rose till thingsimprove around here . That will come with more customers...and if they are depending on beatingthat 'sweet little old grandmother', thing should be back to normal in Hennyville by next week.

Hennyville , coffee shop, Feb 20th Some thing happened on the telly the other night , something about cooking a pig , it was on the survivors show, that tacky thing that most of ushave never seen , the temoprary postman was in the coffee shop talking about the programand how they couldn't start a fire , or dress a chicken or pig. of course NOBODY inHennyville could understand any of that. Hell, in the Miss Hennyville contest last year , I'mnot sure but I think is was the winner that cooked off chitlins as he "talent". But here no onecould see how helpless people like that were ever chosen for the trip. . ..but never havingwatched the show, I would have to bet they screwed up cooking the pig ...even though, EVERYBODY in Henniville can cook one of the damned things...Heck, I saw the ministers wife out inthe back yard chassing a goat the othet day...but now that I think on it , don't remember itever showing up on the menue...wonder why she were chass....errrr......they are still talking about that mercy killing at the coffee shop last week....the state police done ask the chief if the man had been charged...and Sam told' em," hell the other fellows he's dead, you want me to hold him for trial?"....boy did theyscream like a naked homo in a knife fight, He finally had to tell them he was just joshing them. ..but best I know Jethro is still plowing . There would be NO sense in jailing him before thecrops are in the barn, hell , this ain't Atlanta...where would he run to ? No place betterthan Hennyville,...even if you have to stand trial to stay there. What kind of bond wouldYOU ask a fella like that to put up ? Watch FOX if you want the truth : anything else ifyou just don't care.

- PIPE GEMS -

Little JoeLieberman onHill: -"And speaking of not pretty, oy, what is going on with the junior Senator from NY?I mean I've passed her in the hallway and she has said really hurtful things to me like "Getout of my way you little Christ-killer" and "Hey splinter-boy you got a match?" I have to duck into my office just to wipe the tears away before that nasty fungus sets in again.And did I tell you she is gaining weight too, her thighs rub together so noisily as she waddlesdown the Senate chambers that even the Democrats are calling her cricket behind her back. "......best picture found and posted this week goesto Banshee forthis picture....ThePublisher onBill and Hill - "How on earth does a sane person sell pardons using stupid family membersas the conduit and then proceed to actually loot the White House in broad daylight and expectanything but disaster? "......I thought the definition of insane was doing the same thingover and over expecting a different result....oh, nevermind...... Kitten (again onCannibals): "I know few people care, but the f*cking cannibals are getting away withit. They know no one cares. Obviously Indonesia cannot be invaded but there should be sanctionson cannibal-made goods or some darn thing like that."....guaranteed mention inthe Buzz next week to the best list of suggested Cannibal made goods sent into me....... mgc1122 on the demiseof liberal internet sites: "But the drumbeat of the left continues. It says thump, thump,thump (liberalism is taking over America). Thumpity thump (buy the NY TIMES, if you don't,who will?). Thump, thump (Watch CNN. We can't afford to lose our flagship network.)"

Letter to the Buzz of the week

My wife hates the fact that I am always using my computer. She wants me to do somecrazy things like go out to dinner or the movies with her. How can I make her see what'sreally important in life?

I know. Can't live with, can't live without them.

Thats it for this week kids.....can the Survivors make it another week?....will they "go native"....will the Publisher pull the plug....stay tuned....TheUnknown Poster

DisclaimerWARNING: Do not print this article. This article uses Chinese mind controlfonts. No survivors were harmed during the preparation of this article.

Hello again Posters! .... If you wonder what color a smurf turns when you choke him...orwant to know why abbreviation is such a long word...you are at the right place. Welcome once againto another edition of the BUZZ file. As always submissions can be sent to the Pipe with the word BUZZin the subject line......On with the show.....BREAKING...... George Bush shaken and upset atthe lack of straws at the first state dinner held at the White House this week....... best commentand picture combination that says it all without having to say it all goesto Rustynail for thiscomment: "Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton, D-N.Y., answers questions raised by her husband'slast-minute pardons "......attached to thispicture. .....Hollywoodvixen Neve Campbell has seen the light......It is always refreshingwhen one of the Hollywood elite finds religion. They just want to share their joy with the restof us. She will star in and co-produce the new movie ``Understanding Virginia,''. A thoughtprovoking family drama about a good hearted hooker-stripper that is convinced she is carryingGod's child....isn't that nice......Are we in a recession?....reports of W mothballing AirForce One for Greyhound One .....After much consideration, the judges here at the Buzz havedeclared a winner in the "best looking baby" picture contest.. .THE WINNER......Sureit would be easy to name the poster, but I think I will wait until next week....this way youcan all guess.

SPOTLIGHT POSTER OF THE WEEK

LAURATEALEAFInteresting...I went to a bazaar last weekend. I found Polish pottery and a Chinese rug.........I can just imagine how a Clinton Pardon Bazaar would look.......A kissing booth starringBill's butt with Eleanor Clift first in line..........A sausage stand with all sorts ofunidentified links......and lots of Erika type posters crowding in to get their cut.........A fun house.........which looks like a trailer......with a pop-out Monica....who shows her thong........A Lincoln bedroom replica with Hollywood stars bouncing on the bed.........A China Town.....where Clinton's Commie friends can buy and sell our nuclear secrets......and, the donors can drop off their favorite sets of China for Hillary.....An El Caminobooth, with Bill Clinton's old car on display, with the special grass in the back forsmoking and other activities.......and lots of game booths...like Kill the Babies dart games........And all the porta-potties will have tin cups installed next to the toilet paper fordonations for the Clinton Library..........And a petting zoo, with all of Clinton's favoritefemale friends, available for petting, for the right price......there will be music byClinton's favorite black minstrels.......There will be a White Water dunking booth........starring Webster Hubbell......it's really easy to roll him into the water.....Adress-up booth with a cardboard mock jail where everyone can put on their orange prisonsuits and ankle chains and pose for pictures......

Ok Pipers. We all watch the show......we all have opinions. I am, of course, talkingabout SURVIVOR II, The Australian Outback. I propose the following: Those interestedin playing SURVIVOR, "The PipeBomb Wasteland",, emailthe BUZZ. Please putBuzz in the subject line. Please include a paragraph on why you want to play so wemay use your words against you in some form ........ Starting the following week, theplayers will email their vote as to who they want voted out of the game to thePipe. The results will be sent to me for posting. Forming alliances, cheating, bribes....anything goes.... the object is to be the last one standing........ We may even comeup with a few surprises along the way in the form of mental challenges....... The winnerwill coincide with the last Survivor show about thirteen weeks from now........how boutit?.... Anybody think they got what it takes to survive the Pipe?...or are youchicken?........

RULES:

Object of the game is to be the last one standing....just who could survive......A Pipebomb Princess?....a liberal?.....a (gulp) Libertarian?....does a conservative stand a chance, forced to form an alliance with a McCain voter?

If you want to play, send in an email to the BUZZ. Write a shortparagraph either about yourself or why you think you will win.

Just like the real game, we will choose 13 survivors from the list. The listwill be presented here next week if not before on a general pipe thread. Ifless than 13 want to play, we will go with however many submit. Each week theplayers of the game will email the Buzz with their one vote and vote off oneof their fellow survivors. If a player fails to vote, it will be counted as a vote againstthem. When it is down to the final two. The vanquished survivors will vote thewinner. Some weeks may have immunity associated as the result of a challenge.

To keep it fair, all emails will go through the Pipe and the results thendown to me for posting here.

There are no other rules other than proper decorum on thePipe as per existing Pipe rules. Coin flips decide any tie.

Each week the Publisher will either set up a public poll or you may linkto this page for a general discussion thread. As we do not want many duplicatethreads running, try to keep to one thread to discuss the game. We will work thebugs out as we go along. This way those posters that are not playing the game canjoin in with their comments...... That should be interesting.

First Immunity Challenge Week 1:This week's immunity challenge. The person that sends in the best original Haikuabout the Pipe along with their letter saying they want to play gets immunityon next weeks vote. That means the winner of this challenge can't be voted offnext week.

Good luck Surivors

ThePublisher put up a poll thisweek to test the interest of playing the game here on the pipe and as of this writing 65% respondedthey wished to play. Here are some of the comments on the thread.....priceless.

Alyssarah Have you heardabout the next planned "Survivor" show? Six men will be dropped on an island with 1 van and4 kids each for 6 weeks. Each kid plays two sports and either takes music or danceclasses. There is no access to fast food. Each man must take care of his 4 kids, keephis assigned house clean, correct all homework, complete science projects, cook, dolaundry, etc. The men only have access to television when the kids are asleep and allchores are done. There is only one TV between them and there is no remote. The menmust shave their legs and wear makeup daily, which they must apply themselves eitherwhile driving or while making four lunches. They must attend weekly PTA meetings; cleanup after their sick children at 3:00 AM; make an Indian hut model with six toothpicks,a tortilla and one marker , and get a 4 year old to eat a serving of peas. The kidsvote them off based on performance. The winner gets to back to his job.

hennypenny Sunny...I hate todisabuse you of any preconceived notion...but the Libertarians ARE a tribe. Granted they are on the way DOWN the evolutionary scale , they point at the sun each morning and grunt, For a long while Ithought that a man,. Say with a Zippo Lighter, might come along and they would follow hisleadership. But alas no, they have stuck with small clay images of William Buckley and a smallnebish they have named Browne. I say if you are going to worship false gods Do it on the train ,not in the station...YOU KNOW that sucker ain't going anywhere.... but then that's what keep themgoing the blind faith in the belief the station will roll as well as the engine.The most dangerous team would be one of War,Erika, Bundy,Link and CABoner. they could grabeach others tails in their mouth as they do on the site , circle up and become impenetrableit reason or rational thought...In other words they could just .....stay the same !

POLITICS

"Tonight's special is chicken almondine and fresh fish.""The chicken sounds good, I'll have that," Hillary says. The waiter nods. "And the vegetable?" he asks."Oh, he'll have the fish," Hillary replies.

I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm getting bored with theClintons and Jesse Jackson. Itjust seems that the scandals don't have the punch they used to. Many postersare sending in items to post on the Buzz. Mostly on Clinton politics. Iwant to take the time this week to offer some advise and tips for submitting. Asmany of the political stories are the same old Clinton scandals there is a problemkeeping them fresh and alive. Here are some suggestions and tricks that my fellowpipers can employ in their writing.

PUTTING THE PHRASES TO WORK: WASHINGTON DC 1 Mar (PBN) -Formerpresident Bill Clinton lied yesterday and hid in his office when roving bands of liberal youths rioted according to informed sources. Clinton had noimmediate comment and blamed Republican right wingers....according toinformed sources. The ex-president flatly denied that he was behindthe roving bands of liberal youths and the riot torn Harlemneighborhoods. As Harlem was gutted by fire Clinton again issueda wholesale denial ....according to informed sources......try it yourself, it works.

Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and George W. Bush were set to face a firing squadIn a small Central American country. Bill Clinton was the first one placed againstthe wall and just before the order to shoot him was given, he yelledout, "earthquake!" The firing squad fell into a panic and Bill jumped over thewall and escaped in the confusion.

Al Gore was the second one placed against the wall. The squad was reassembledand Al pondered what his old boss had done. Before the order to shoot wasgiven, Al yelled out, "tornado!" Again the squad fell apart and Al slippedover the wall.

The last person, George W. Bush, was placed against the wall. Hewas thinking "I see the patternry here, just scream out a disasterand hop over the wall." As the firing squad was reassembled and therifles raised in his direction he grinned and yelled, "fire!"

While Beef industry execs and cattle producers beg for new cattle diseasenames, a recent Pipebomb poll asked: What is the best way to preparebeef? Beef is no different than politics with this group and no solidconsensus could be agreed to. However, a majority did lean towardgrilling. Here are a few of the comments.

swampgas - "Broiledis very good if you baste it with Worcestershire and butter. .... I had a friend who wouldeat his steaks raw. He would get hungry and go to the grocery store and buy a steak andeat the thing without cooking it. I saw him do this numerous times and he never got sickfrom it. "

Alyssarah -"We wereout having dinner with a bunch one night and I ended up sitting next to a vegetarian. I hada slab of beef that hung over the plate while this vegetarian boob picked at her saladand prattled non-stop about my sinful eating habits. Then she made a mistake. She asked me if I knew of a "healthy" potato chip. Without missing a chew, I told her I wouldn't know because Ididn't eat junk food. She decided to leave me alone after that"

hennypenny - "Stripa whole Tenderloin, stick cloves of garlic cut into wedges(3 per clove) all over the damnthing (about an inch apart) roll in fresh cracked pepper , salt lightly...brown on allsides in hot frying pan (the one you hid from your wife) chop up a mix of veggies ( onion,celery,g. pepper,carrot what ever) put meat on top roast for appx 25 minutes (med rare)allow to sit for 10 min. throw it out and eat the veggies ..they are good for you...remember what your mom said......actually slice out the bias about 1" thick....serves four,( preferably the other three women) Make a hollandaise sauce (orbetter a Bernai?se); Potatoes Anne , Caesar Salad, and a Aussie Merlot...if youcan get them to get their feet out of it."

CrewBall -"Grillingis the best way to do beef, but If you must cook it inside try rubbing a little coffee grinds(Iprefer Folger's crystals) all over it. Try it!! You'll like it!! "...steakal la Juan Valdez Crew?

lauratealeaf".....I fixed a roast once in the microwave. It was actually delicious. The recipe called for redwine. It was very tender and flavorful. I haven't ever done it again because I figuredthat it was a freakish occurrence.....".......a microwave,,,,okey dokey.

Well I want in on this one too. I wish to share my own Baked Meatloafrecipe with my fellow posters.

Mixing Instructions:Before you start, sample the whiskey to check for quality. Good, isn't it? Now goahead. Select a large mising bowl, measuring cup, etc. Check the whiskey again asit must be just right. To be sure whiskey is of the highest quality, pour onelevel cup into a glass and drink it as fast as you can. Repeat.

With an electric mixer, beat 1 cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 tsp. ofthugar and beat again. Meanwhile, make sure that the siskey is of the finestquality. Cry another cup.

Open the second quart is necessary. Add the 2 arge eggs, 2 pounds of bef and mix. If beefgest stuck in the beaters, juse pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the whiskey again,checking for toxscisticity. Next sift 3 cups of the salt or anything: it reallydoesn't matter. Sample the whiskey. Sift 1/2 pint lemon juice. Fold inchopped butter and strained nuts. Add one babblespoon of the brown thugar,or whatever color you can find and wix mel.

Grease oven and turn cake to 350 degrees. Now pour the whole mess into the covenand bake. Check whiskey again, and go to bed.

Quotes in the news this week

``You and I are two people who will never mesh, never see eye to eye. It was a bad TVshow. That's all it was.'' -- television bride and Playboy pinupDARVA CONGER, in a Larry King Live appearance with her former game-showgroom RICK ROCKWELL......The Rock has it bad for Darva.

Hillary - "No. You know, I never knew about Marc Rich at all. You know, peoplewould hand me envelopes, I would just pass them. You know, I would not have any reasonto look into them. I knew nothing about the Marc Rich pardon until after it happened."......I haven't heard so many you knows since listening to a NBA player discussthe theory of relativity.

George W. Bush - "You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able topass a literacy test.''....very informatory George!

Entertainment

Babs....... BarbaraStreisand poses with the American Film Institute's Life Achievement Award . I know myfellow Bombers can't wait to join in on the festivities. Look for Babs accepting the awardlater this Spring on FOX.......one more face lift and she will be wearing a goatee......from the looks of how she is hanging over her dress these days, Shirley's referencelast year may be coming true. ....she is turning into a universe into herself......Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?..... Loose lips around theneedy people lover are hinting that poor Babs is sort of, well, letting herselfgo. Reports of her not letting anyone near the stage buffet tables before shegets her choice cuts.......NOT ONLY THAT.....But, poor Baba may be onthe outs with hip designers......seems no one wants her to wear their clothesanymore. Is she buying off the rack these days?

Dancing machine........You say you liked JenniferGrey and the way she wrinkled her nose and squinted her eyes in Dirty Dancing?.....theoh-so-cool dance numbers and Romeo and Juliet sub-plot?... Me too..... You see.... I canrelate to these cheese 80's dance movies. When I was a teenager I was a street-smart bigcity kid who moved to a dull, Midwestern town where dancing was banned. Then I had a chanceto give a speech to the town council to repeal the ban. And there was this preacher thatsort of ran things and he wouldn't let us kids dance. That's why I am excited about thefilm shoot of Dirty Dancing 2 staring Ricky (is he or isn't he?) Martin and Natalie "StarWars" Portman getting close to production. Dirty 2 will be filmed in Miami ....so watchfor some Latin heat this time round......Natalie is easy on the eyes, but she isno Jennifer (prenose job) Grey.

- PIPE GEMS -

Badeye's comment last week "Give me a 45 year old divorced woman over a 19 year oldnymphet every day of the week. Its so much more fun, when both parties know what the hellthey are doing".... forced him to make this public plea this week:

OPEN MEMO TO FORTY FIVE YEAR OLD DIVORCED FEMALES OF PIPEBOMB.The emails are overwhelming my company's server. Please accept that I'm married,and "No, I don't do road shows", I'm "not available for Tupperware parties" andlast but not least, I will not "relocated to Southeast Asia".thanks, Badeye

BluesDukeII on the failedimpeachment: "Yes, ma'am. That good-for-nothing, "thank you, sir, and may I haveanother?" Gang That Can't Shoot Straight on Crapola Hill just huffed...and puffed...and blew their own House (managers) down. How pathetically simple it was for theSenate Republican'ts to vote yes knowing so bloody well that the whole damned CrapolaHill contingent of them did everything in their power to keep the whole of the evidenceand not just the Starr Report from being seen even by the bulk of their own party. Theythought they could come out smelling like roses for Voting On The Side Of TheAngels - when they did the most work to stack the deck against it. (Words he'llwish he'd never emitted one day if Republican't voters in his state find theircojones when his re-election turn comes up: You are not going to stick us withthis garbage. - Trent Lost, to Henry Hyde.) ".......Kitten on Cannibals: "Lookhow scummy and malicious these Dayak cannibals look. I can't stand them. Too bad therearen't any pictures of them eating their victims. I think they got in trouble for doing itin front of cameras last time in 1999 and now do their evil under cover of darkness. "....Kitten, we all realize you are going to Indonesia in a week or so and understand yourapprehension. But you need to get over your fearof head shrinkers andCannibals. Perhaps if you met one, sat down and had a talk you would see that they arejust people too............THE CRYSTAL BALL........ ericbl "My predictionis that Hitlery will save her political career by dumping Slick like a ton of bricks. Everyliberal in the country will run to her side. Over the next several years, we'll hear nothingbut how this great woman sacrificed her life for her country by staying with him throughouthis Presidency".........and my favorite of theweek.....Flapsup onthe Burton/Sphincter investigation - "I'll have to look up Scottish lawto make a determination on the chances of success".

Chain Letter to the Buzz of the Week

Dear Friend, This chain letter started in Reno in the hope of bringing relief and happiness to tiredbusinessmen. Unlike most chain letters, this does not cost any money. Simply send a copyof this letter to five of your businessmen friends who are equally tired. Then bundle upyour wife and send her to the man whose name appears at the top of the list, and add yourname to the bottom of it. When your name comes to the top of the list, you will receive16,487 women, and some of them will be "dandies". Have Faith "DON'T BREAK THE CHAIN!!!!". One man broke the chain and got his wife back.Sincerely, A Tired Businessman

That's all the space I have this week....so long for now pipers...... look for another funky fresh Buzz file next week. Andremember.....A day wasted is not a day wasted!.....TheUnknown Poster

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BuzzzFile Week Ending February 24, 2001

HELLO AGAIN bombers. Welcome to another edition of The BUZZ. Submissions can be sent to thepipe with the word BUZZ in the subject line .....Joint poster pictures of the week honors goto FERAL52. Picture. Lookreal close at the tree. Maybe if enough of us ask him, Feral will put up a web page of hisgraphics, some of them are just classics.....andto ZEFAL for this disturbingpicture of his pets......I have gotten quite a few entries for The Buzz "best looking baby" picturecontest. Will announce the winner next week. And a note to Phoenix, no! we have no intention nowor in the future of doing a "Men of Pipebomb" calendar, so stop sending in your pictures. Jutto wet your whistle a tad, here isone Dawg sent in on athread: Dawg -baby picture-he isthe little goober on the left....isn't he cute......finally I have been able toobtain an actual drawing of themuch reported Orgasmatron that has been reported on so many recent pipe threads. I am includingthe drawing here and caution readers that the pipe does not endorse building and experimenting withsuch a devise without direct scientific medical supervision. While this devise has the potentialfor good, I shudder to think of the consequences should this technology fall into the wronghands...BREAKING....I was wondering how to give a nod to the National Enquirer for the cash for pardon work theyare doing and found a thread quote this morningfrom poster O6"so far the enquirer has notmissed on any of its Clinton related stories but the big name papers have sat on the news orwaited until everyone else published. Seems to me this little gossip sheet is turning intosomething unique today which is a real newspaper which reports newsinstead of making it up."....couldn't agree more. That said, let's open this week with the words of Hill....thankyou NationalEnquirer....The BUZZ File believes in equal time. If you have a position insupport of Hill and Bill on pardongate, please sendit in to me for possible inclusion next week.

"I was very disturbed to learn that my brother, Hugh Rodham, received fees in connectionwith two clemency applications,".... "Hugh did not speak with me about theseapplications."...

WELCOME TO HENNYVILLE

The following was sent in Anonymously from a poster with the following commentattached: .... " Hennyville must be an interesting place, kind of like Cat On A HotTin Roof meets Whose Afraid Of Virginia Wolf in sign language with Greek subtitles. ....henny'spost is interesting as it contains certain cultural lessons about the differences between yanksand rebs".....I agree and here it is.

HENNYPENNY: ..... thingsare quiet in Hennyville, since the murder, course some say it were a mercy killing an all, being ashow he wer' a Yankee. It was just his bad luck to criticize the good old boy, before he had had hiscoffee. I mean to come all the way in the coffee shop, put down your carpet bag and yell at a ol' boythat he had to come move his truck cause it were in the next parking spot, May not even get by theinquest as anything more than suicide. I know that's what the consensus of the coffee crowd wouldbe . I know two fellows that didn't even stop eating their grits, and in some ways I don't blamethen, it's so hard to get the seasoned just right and warm at the same time. The just kept on'aforking them in, even after the gun went off. Yankees are just plumb stupid sometimes, the dumb'estperson in Hennyville could have told him, if'en he had ask, another bad trait, as I see it with theYankee, he sends his mouth to try and do a days work ,in five minutes.: that talking to Jethro at all,was at best problematical, but trying to mouth him to death wern't gonna work a'tol.before he had hiscoffee. They were right. Things went pretty fast, but I think the shot came right after the fellowsaid , "up in New Jersey, I'll tell you, we wouldn't put up with this for a minute. And I'll bedamned , by Jesus if I"m gonna put up with....." Think Jethro mumbled ," and you certainly shouldn'thave too.." ......When the smoke settled, there was Jethro drinking his coffee in peace, and the restof the shop finished their fixing's maybe a little faster than normal. Some Atlanta hot shots aretalking hate crime , buy first they got to get a true bill, and actually I don't think hate hasanything to do with this it was more serious than that ..it was about having your morning coffee inquiet. and not giving Jesus' opinion to astranger.

POLITICS

"The politician stared back at me, his power and confidence almostoverwhelming. Down below a female paused warily at the senate entrance. I kept the camerarolling. They were beautiful, those 'Politicians in the Mist'"

A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood.......Well Hill finally rolled out of Bill pal Vernon's crib into her newlyremodeled digs in DCthis week. While Mac-daddy Vern counts his silverware, and eagle-eyed media puppets look the otherway, the watchful eyes of Pipers had this to say: FERAL52 madea welcome basket with one of his gems. And TEDWARD hadsome decorating advise: "I have a few decorating tips for HiLIARy !!! Perhaps in the living room anice picture of Marx, in the bedroom one of Che Quavera, and in the bathroom one of Lenin. For the kitchensome nice hammers and sickles. For the diningroom table some nice RED China. What fitting accessories forThe MARXIST QUEEN OF THE UNIVERSE !!!!! ".......Washington social circles are welcoming Hill intotheir fold like a group of ileagal aliens congratulating a buddy who just made itacross the San Diego freeway. We'll see how longthe party lasts....my bet is she is pushing against a door marked pull......Eleanor Clift had it rightthis week: "the Clintons are a gift that keeps on giving"

Geraldo......Thanks to Keri for posting an eyeopening jaw dropping article this week on --Geraldo. Pipers want to know just why he won't disclose hisrelationship with Denise Rich. Could it go deeper?.....Could Denise have had a hand in making the newlittle Rivera?....lots of questions...but bombers are patient.....perhaps science will develop enough sothat Geraldo can be put in a jar and studied....I just hope they remember to poke holes in thelid..... Phoenix weighed in with anew first person Mickey Sipllaine type Geraldo drama this week: "Denise was already in my office whenI got back, curled up like a sleek cat at the end of the leather sofa. All curvy long legs that theminiskirt couldn't start to cover. And a neckline it didn't try to. Two perky breasts flaring out in aprimal challenge, her stomach flat until it made that delicious swell outward into her thighs and asalways, that mane of dyed raven hair framing a face that was too pretty for her own good. She lay thereand crossed her legs like she was at a tea party and let me have the full impact of that little eye inher navel that never blinked and just looked at me with an unrelenting stare.".......Geraldo (jerry)Rivera...Private Eye?....why not.

Obits.....Sharp dressing humanist Khalid Abdul Muhammad, the outspoken ex (TOSSed) Nation of Islam racial whoorganized the Million Youth March is dead. Known for his teaching of "Jews are the'bloodsuckers' of the black community"..... calling the Pope: "a cracker" .....and brotherhood ingeneral he called on "blacks to kill all the whites in South Africa.". He called the CatholicChurch full of "homosexuality and pedophiles." And perhaps best known for supporting ColinFerguson for killing whites, saying: "God spoke to Colin Ferguson and said, 'Catch the train,Colin. Catch the train.' "....... His last act of brotherhood was to form the recent racist NEWBLACK PANTHER PARTY and protest with fifteen of his followers in Jasper Texas. ......Dead of a strokeat 53......or is he?....there is an underground buzz getting louder that there may be something hinkygoing on.

Eleanor and Bill....Ok I give up. They are all doing it now. This timeon Eleanor "sloe eye" Clift andBill via a recent post on her sticking up for Bill..... if he did have an affair with Denise. Onlyspace for snipets...there were probably more, I didn't go back to look....that might be a good thing.

Ladybug: - " She wanted to run herfingers through his salt and pepper hair..."

DakotaKid - "A coy smile playedacross Eleanor's crusty lips as she thought back to her White House days with Bill.... Eleanor wascrushed. But still, servicing Bill with a bag over her head was better than nothing. She placed thebag over her head, and sat on the mattress, waiting for Bill. ..."

Lucyredboots - "She felt ablush come over her face as her chest was moving up and down fast with every breath...."

Hennypenny -"Coyly lifting her onegood eye, she gazed at the face of her beloved...none notice , none felt his demanding urge to mate withher here, now , could they hold back a moment longer . The predictions were next, a worthy prelude tothe orgasm she felt coursing through her body."

Political quotes......Eleanor "Rodham" CLIFT on pardongate: "Actually, it's all a plot to drive up the price of his(Clinton) memoirs, in which he will promise to tell all about his bad behavior."

Willie Gary, Jesse J attorney on the tabloid search form more lil' Jacksons: "We think (theseoffers of money) is extortion," "We think it's about persecution rather than prosecution, aboutinjustice rather than justice. For anybody to seek information, to seek dirt so bad that they wouldoffer blood money or extortionary money, it's a sad day in America." ........ Thanksto Banshee for findingthe article and this comment "Ifanyone knows what extortion is it is Jesse Jackson ".

Bill Clinton.... "I am accustomed to the rough and tumble of politics, but the accusationsmade against me in this case have been particularly painful because for eight years I workedhard to make good decisions for the American people."...ya, he worked hard all right.

"no way," .... Manhattan U.S. Attorney Mary Jo White onletting Denise Rich leave the country.....wouldn't it be great if they catch her in some sort of disguise tryingto slink out.

CULTURE

Queen from Butcher Holler........LucyredbootsFound andposted this article on Country musicqueen Loretta Lynn recently. Itgot me a thunking. From the Article: "We're talking about powerful classics such as "You Ain'tWoman Enough" and "Don't Come Home a' Drinkin' (With Lovin' on Your Mind)" and controversialstandards "The Pill," "One's on the Way," "Rated X", "What Kind of Girl (Do You Think I Am?)" and"Success....... Ms. Lynn, never one to mince words, is afraid that today's big-money glitz andglitter, not to mention the lucrative pop crossover trend, has stripped the genre of its humbleintegrity. " . They don't make em like this anymore and I pose the question....Is countrymusic dead?...... I would like to get Bluesdukes take on the situation. Maybe he will link tothis on a slow night....might make a good thread for some of our younger pipers.....and bring backsome memories for us older ones as well.

It's Cold in here........As if NYC doesn't have enough to worry about these days with Bill and Hill, a new controversy issweeping the high rent fashion/retail district. No don't worry, Hill isn't coming out with a newblack pantsuit designer line. The fuss is over nipples. Should or shouldnot mannequins haveerect nipples? I have asked the publisher here at PBN to post a poll to get our opinion, butas yet my emails have gone unanswered..... Apparently this in no joke as some of these fauxbeauties can cost over a thousand NB dollars...(that's New Bush)......... "If we're showinga Jil Sander suit, you can't have two dots poking out," one designer said recently. WhileBanana Republic has gone nipple free, trendy retailers are fond of Xena warrior princessta-tas..... Our last week feature girl Britney "they are too real" Spears is now the maindesign model for Adel Rootstein known as the maker of the Rolls-Royce of dummies....(dummiesas in mannequins, not Britney Spears, I know that was a little confusing)......Designers arehard on the protrusions as well. Reports of covering them with lipstick, filing them down, oras Simon Doonan of fashionable Barneys says "the easiest way to deal with it is with a cotton balland a Band-Aid,".......Barney's of Dallas reports complaint letters from men "admonishing usfor arousing them."....

"I felt my torso being lifted. And, then, my face mold being taken off. Oh,light at last. A female face came into view. "Oh, she's a cutie", she said. "

Some of these new lifelike dolls are getting a following of their own. Several stores are reportingthat eager male customers are wanting to purchase the dummy instead of the clothes.... If you areinterested in learning more about mannequins or wish to read stories about mannequins from a mannequinpoint of view, Isuggest "IMannequin" or "Homeis where the Window Is"........Mannequin rights groups are starting to form and this April protestsare being expected at Neihart Montana to try and stop their annual Mannequin Snow Jumping event. Eachyear thousands gather to witness the sliding demise of various plastic people as they are thrown downthe mountain.

Art world......``I shut myself up and I did all those paintings in a couple of weeks, up the wholetime on cocaine.'' -- Actor/artist DENNIS HOPPER, on some of the items in a new Amsterdamretrospective of his art work.....also making art news thisweek is German artistHenri Alain Unsenos and his yard art.....Makes me want to get out and do some gardening.

Hold that Tiger......I'm a man. I am proud of it. Like most men I enjoy sports and theannual Sports Illustrated Swimsuitedition that is due out later this month. Unfortunately the editors at SI have decided to forgothe usual female skimpy suited fare and have entered the politically correct publishing world. .... Iissue this warning in advance of the up-coming spread as I want to warn my fellow male pipebombers thatfeatured along with the babes will be tigertamers Siegfriedand Roy. Chat room traffic-talk is this move is apparently a nod to the gay community.....is nothingsacred anymore? ..... Other than giving beauty tips and leg shaving lessons to the girls I can't imagineany reason for them to be in there, but nothing much surprises me anymore.....now we will have to endure"those" looks from magazine sellers wondering if we are buying the mag for the girls or the guys......well , there is always the doctor'soffice. 2001 cover

Models do to eat..... Polish designer Arkadius Weremczuk made fashion news this week in London when the gutsy designer becamethe first to team up with the product placement advertising wizards. Featured productswere bananas courtesyof the South American Banana industry. "models and bananas just go together" said one excitedrunway watcher. The shows continue for the next week....speaking of supermodels....badgirl NaomiCampbell was banned from an exclusive London boutique this week after yelling at the workers waiting on her. Apparentlythey didn't open the door fast enough for her. According to Reuters, Naomitold staff they "should have recognized her immediately and opened the door faster".

EDUCATION

After class......Report from Roy City Utah this week that a 30-year-old female high school teacher wasarrested for trading grades for painkillers from her students. Drugs of choice, Percocet,Darvocet, and Loritab. Be interesting to see if this one hits the evening news.....Insteadof free day care for pregnant students, maybe a little of the government pie should go to teacherrehab......NEA has no comment.

Channel One.......Well let's take a little looky see at what is going on in the classrooms these days. You sayJohnny can't read, that may be true....but he sure can watch TV. Clinton's dream of classroominteraction with the entertainment industry has come to pass. A recent report using Clifton HighSchool, in a white middle class suburban area in New Jersey, related a typical day in theclassroom...... Start, - teach turns on the class TV..... hip hop music followed by governmentcommercials to fill out forms for special aid, followed by a Mountain Dew soda pop commercialfeaturing mountain bikes (for sale). Then a Twinkies commercial. The news starts with an exposeon the Pope and how he says he is sorry for all the wrong the church has done. Time for anothercommercial. Pokémon!" and Join the Marines. And it goes on for twelve minutes, day after dayafter month after year. An ex Channel One executive remarked:.... "The biggest sellingpoint to advertisers [is that] ... we are forcing kids to watch two minutes ofcommercials... . The advertiser gets a group of kids who cannot go to thebathroom, who cannot change the station, who cannot listen to their motheryell in the background, who cannot be playing Nintendo, who cannot havetheir headsets on."......

Channel One is a 12 minute current events show, which contains 2 minutes ofcommercials. Channel One provides schools with 19" televisions, 2 VCR's, and a fixed satellitedish which picks up only Channel One signals.

Channel One reported $346 million in1999 ad revenues, 2000 figures are not available but believed to have doubled. GOVERNMENTINDOCTRINATION: A study at the University of Wisconsin-Milwaukee, concluded thatbroadcasting Channel One takes up six orseven days of instruction over the school year and costs American taxpayers $1.8 billion annually...it's much more now. Channel one is owned by Primedia..WHO ALSO OWN JoeCamel.....In writing this piece I got hold of and viewed a copy of theChannel One news feed for this week. No mention of scandal, Clinton is loved in Harlem, PresidentFox of Mexico is close to getting illegal aliens made into US citizens (it's a good thing)...and themost liberal blather you could imagine.....I know it's silly to ask, but I wonder if the NEA, receives any contributions from Primedia?...... Channel One is currently in 12,000 schools with eight millionstudents getting their liberal indoctrination...er I mean news....every day...... Here isChannel One contact information on-line. Forthose adventurous enough, check out their web page forstudents....WARNING....may cause conservatives to spontaneously retch, and be sure to click on theNEWS!......Just wondering out loud, but if most kids don't read newspapers, or watch the eveningnews, could this be their major source of news and current events...no couldn't be....... If youhave a child in school, you just might want to pay attention to the TV in the corner during yournext parent teacher conference.

- PIPE GEMS -

JHman On Clinton's pardongateexplanation: "Once his lips start moving, you know he is lying.This is the same guy who shook hisfinger at us and looked into the camera and said"I did not have sex with thatwomen" ......DAISYMAY oncows: "here in East Tennessee we have "friendly cows". We live in the country and have cowsgrazing up to our fence lines. There have been many occasions when the little buggers havemanaged to wiggle through the wire fence and sashay into my garden. I didn't even give it athought when I saw them, I went after them hollering and chasing them until they left my yard."..... that reminds me of a scene from David Copperfield Daisy..........Bitz on Pardongate: Why Bill andHillary are SHOCKED! (wink, wink, nudge, nudge) SHOCKED I say,at the news that her brother received $400,000 in exchange for a pardon fromBill Clinton....... Badeye on sex: " Giveme a 45 year old divorced woman over a 19 year old nymphet every day of the week. Its so much morefun, when both parties know what the hell they are doing"........THEPUBLISHER on Bill &Hill "For reasons only a team of trained psychotherapists could determine, Billand Hillary have embarked ontheir post impeachment careers invoking an inflammatory manner akin to appearing at an NAACP conventionin white sheeted KKK regalia. ".......haven't seen 'Hannibal' yet?....readthis article that Lindorf found (insertyour favorite Tony Hopkins impersonationhere)......ERIKA on science: "It'snot bad enough that Texas oil men are running nuclear subs, they are also pumping out inner oil thatwill alter our (EARTH) rotation. As they deplete the mass, our planets weight and mass changes, andaffects the gravitational pull. The theory is not proven yet, but think about it. Maybe the scientistsare too afraid to announce it. ".....someone needs to stop those Texans!

Letter to the Buzz of the week......

"My friends all tell me to leave my husband. He is addicted to nyquil, spits on the floorand abuses our pets. The other day he shaved the cat and covered it in cooking oil... then heinvited six friends over for a greased cat catching contest. They wound up having a power pukingtournament in the den and making a bonfire in the front yard with every stick of furniture in thehouse. I'd leave this instant, but there is a small problem, I still love him. Whatshould I do?"...signed Love Fool

Look, men work hard all day. They need to relax once they get home. Lighten up

So long for now.....Will Sami and Austin get together?....Is Pilar stealing Julian's silverware?. ...stay tuned.... next week....same pipe time, samepipe url.....The UnknownPoster

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BuzzFile Week Ending February 17, 2001

Greetings pipers.........A couple of quick items before we get going.... Wullhullo mommy....The Buzz file MOTHER OF THE YEAR award goesto "Hannibal" actressJulianne "BoogieNghts" Moore who revealed this week that her co-star Tony Hopkins had taught her threeyear old "Cal" how to impersonate Hannibal Lecter. "He does a really good impression fora three year old" Moore said and continued "now you can say, 'do Tony' and off hegoes...".......well isn't that nice..... Julianne on guns: "I hate guns. .......Iespecially hated loading them because I would get my skin caught. Plus guns are awfuland they are dangerous."....what a mom!.... And what an example she sets for herson... ....Hopkins on the film: "Now if people are repulsed and terrified, so be it,I understand that as well. It is not everyone's taste -- if you forgive thepun" ...... Former first intern Monica Lewinski is the belle of the dot.com ball anddoing well these days...... While Clinton was showingher the proper way to take "dic"tation and thinking about baseball, Monica was thinking about hernot so little anymore handbag business.....I prefer to think that she just wanted a man to lookup to......as other dot coms go belly up, the kneeling one and her entrepreneurial skills aregetting noticed. Sales are doubling every quarter....This girl has quite a head on hershoulders......MonicaLewinski trivia......Answers at the end of the column.......(1)-what lipstick does sheuse. (2)-Where are her handbags made? (3)- How much do her handbags cost?

POLITICS

Hillary poop......With a dose of timely fortuitous circumstance, a friend of mine visited Washington D.Clast week. As my face is so easily recognized in high society, political circles and Vegascasinos, I asked him to poke around for me up at the Senate building. We scrambled to preparethis expose last week, but time would not allow the meticulous redundant fact checking andsourcing that is the standard here at the Buzz. The extra time revealed shocking new insightsinto the working relations Hillary Clinton (D-NY) has with the capital staff. No not the politicalstaff, I'm talking about the vendors, elevator operators, and maintenance crews that keep our senatebuilding going. Names have been changed to protect the innocent. You may all remember the "noeye contact rule" that Hill has established with her staff. Apparently, the building workersare now diverting their eyes every time they come into contact with her. Some are starting to bowand slightly courtesy. Hill doesn't get the joke. GAS: Can Hillary take the pressure ofbeing a US Senator? Hill is getting areputation for cutting the cheese in the most in-opportune circumstances. Elevators, walking downthe hall, and especially when she laughs........" soemthin' muss haf crawled up inside her an'died, cuss it all t' tarnation. Lo'd did that room stink! We is still tryin' t'git thet smell outtath' bathroom, dawgone it. ah doesn't knows whut she is eatin', but it sho'nuff don't agree wifher." So says Manny the poor unfortunate soul charged with cleaning one of the main Senatefacilities after a visit from the Senator from NY......... That's not all....... Whilewe all know her appearance is taking a tumble these days her lack of personal hygiene is carryingover into polite society as well. Overheard talk is filtering down from loose lipped Senatestaffers to building workers that she doesn't care where she "lets one go". ...... Like her no eyecontact rule, everyone is just supposed to pretend she didn't do it. "she is trying to put mein an early grave" one un-named elderly southern Senator was overheard as he burst out of a Senatemeeting.

As one giggly tour operator said on the QT "her ability to reallythunder one out is getting legendary. It's catching on with the staff here. Noweveryone is doing it. Every time she walks by, if you can, you try to squeeze oneout"

DIPLOMATIC PROBLEMS: Talk is going around of an embarrassing luncheon recently for visitingdignitaries of several Middle East countries...it deteriorated quickly. Once Hill started,everyone joined in. "It only took about 15 minutes and no one could hear the guest speakerover the toots of gas passing through the various diplomatic rectums. A few minutes later the odorfrom the gas was so strong, that one by one, the guests headed gasping for the door. Soon only onesnoring Egyptian Cultural Ministry official was left sleeping in his chair." So says oursource.....an off the record official was heard to say, "It may be a U.S. custom to 'letone go' in public, but in France, we keep our flatulence to ourselves. Typical U.S. imperialism. Thenation that dropped the Smart Bomb now tests the Fart Bomb. They were wet, squeaky, and baritone , itwas disgusting. Hillary needs to see a doctor"......Does Hill need medical attention?..... oris it as some are wondering that she was so taken by this behavior while visitingtheRoyal court inEngland, that she is attempting to copy it and establish herself above the Americanpeasantry........Hill is not unaware of the copy-cat gas passers and we can only wonder if sheis silently uttering under her breath..."we are not amused."

Ah-nuld .......What Arnold really wants to do is direct....the entire state of California. Now thathis music career is on the rocks and hecan't quite cut it in the action roles.....The left took it's first body blow against theRepublican heir apparent to the Governor's seat in California this week before he gets a chanceto be the "Running Man"....... Movie monthly Premiere magazine has takenon Schwarzenegger. Thelarge one (and his lawyers) are flexing over a five page spread hitting the racks this week. With"Arnold the Barbarian" as the title, the story paints muscle boy as a seedy Clintonesque Hollywoodgroper. .....the article claims that Arnold was caught giving oral sex to a female cast mateduring the making of Eraser.........that's not all......Has Arnold been exercising with other womenwhile Maria frets?........plenty of unnamed sources cast not so subtle doubts on his ability to takethe stress of politics.......DRUGS: not content to just play the sex card, Arnold's suggesteduse of steroids is also coming into play.....a spokesman for Mr. Universe said "We're moving on,"."Arnold knows who he is, his wife knows who he is, and I think his fans know who he is, and that'swhat's important."........don't worry about them Arnold, we know who you are too......hasta lavista Davis.

Bush.....While W andDick "Slim" Cheneysteamroll through their agenda untouched by scandal, web pundits are having a bit of funwith the smiling Texan these days. One of the best is Prisnonerletters to W......George Bush and Texas fever are sweeping the fashion industry as new Bush inspiredfashion atire isbeginning to be seen strutting down Paris and NY runways. Not to be missed is a cute little bitof work done over at The Presidential PalmHelper......There is a serious scientific study being conducted to determine if W is infact a Chimpanzee? Check it out and you be the judge.....be sure you click on the pics, I'm surethey will start to show up on Pipe threads.George W. Bush orChimpanzee?. .....my favorite.

Arms race......KingKangaroo posted a disturbingnew look at a long thankfully forgotten reminder of the cold war this week......Or was itforgotten?.....KK's article post revealed secret plans by Australia to develop an ATOMIC BOMB in thelate 1940's. University of Newcastle academic Wayne Reyonlds is claiming Australia agreed to allowBritish nuclear tests and worked with the British at the Australian National University because theythought the British would then give them the bomb......."the sheer thought of Australia with such adevise chills me to the bone" a New Zealander is quoted as saying. "those blokes can't hardlyput a bicycle together on Christmas morning let alone build a bomb"...well he hopes so........Someare speculating that secret tests continue today in the vast Australian Outback...... Do the Australianshave the bomb? If so, how would this change the delicate balance at the bottom of theworld?.......TROUBLE DOWN UNDER:..... as everyone knowsthe Australians have long dreamedof wetting their feet in the clear waters and unspoiled beachesof New Zealand, of fattening their sheep on thelush grasses of the lower Island's fertile grasslands..... PROBLEMS....The beaches of Australiaare becoming less and less safe, "A 5 meter shark ate a man in full public view at one of Perth'smain beach" as MrPeabody recently wrote. Another recent posting contained this chilling statement: "Sharkskilled more people in Australia last year than anywhere else in the world and the country had thesecond-highest number of attacks. "....that's not all..... Saltwater crocodiles were spottedswimming the streets of Cairns on Australia's northeast coast, after high tides, reporteda recent article....... could thisconcentrated grouping of attacks and animal madness be a direct result of secret dastardly A-bombtesting?.......MORE PROBLEMS....."The [Australian] government plans to slash welfarepayments to New Zealanders living in Australia in a move that will save A$1billion" according to another recent article. Alreadytheir grip is tightening and some wonder if some in the Australian government envy the strong Kiwi dollar.......New Zealanders living in Australia, will be unable to claim theirpayments unless they become permanent residents of Australia..... The vast amount of untappednatural resources of New Zealand wet the lips of the moreaggressive capitalist kings of the island continent. Talk is they are gazing greedily over thewater. Can kangarooland continue to feed itself as the population of Australia swells withtheir open welcoming immigration policy? Could the kind and gentle people of nuclear-free NewZealand ever pay enough tribute to satisfy (appease)the Australians under a nuclearthreat? Maybe KK's recent A-bomb comment "And it would keep those pesky New Zealanders in theirplace too." tells all.

TECH

Better stop cursing as you hit the wrong keys, Saint Isodore may be listening. After a two yearwait, the Pope has popped for a Saint for your keyboard. Saint Isidore of Seville is now the patronsaint of Internet users and computer programmers, according to the Vatican. Saint Is:) is said tohave written the world's first encyclopedia in the seventh century. I guess the servers in theVatican named Raphael, Michael and Gabriel needed spiritual cyber company. Look for a MSpromotional tie in.............Those little emails we all get from FOXYVIXEN wanting you to clickhere for pictures, just might be Public Enemy numberone Osama bin Laden.Apparently Ossie is posting encrypted, or scrambled,- photographs and messages on popular pornweb sites that may contain "blueprints" for attacks...Combine this with the Saint Isodore storyand it's taking all the fun out of porn......I Robot Bug.....Sandia National Laboratories has tested a microbug....withlittle sensors!. About a quarter inch long, these cute little critters can crawl underdoors. These aren't just play things. They carry about as much computer power as the computeryou are reading this on.........What is that smell?....Interested in smelling like a T-Rex? Comingto a museum gift shop near you soon.....Scientists working on dinosaur smell arama have found a wayto make the exhibits more realistic. Now you can experience what the extinct ones smelled like.

``We investigated a number of smells at first, but the reality of the smell ofdead, rotting flesh was so off-putting, we figured we should go with the smell of the T-rex'senvironment instead of its breath,''... said a spokesman.

Maastrichtian Miasma, as the perfume is being called, isa "boggy, acrid, earthy scent. reeking of rotten meat and infectedwounds". Plans are to drench exhibits with the smell......that's nice.......Dale AirDeodorizing Ltd. of Lytham in northern England, which created the scent for themuseum, specializes in aromas for museums and zoos. Other fragrances by this company in the pasthave been, jaguar urine, cesspits, boiler rooms, wild stags, and garbage.....pity the neighbors.

SHOWBIZ

Ooops I drank it again.....I wonder if Pepsi is aware that their new girlBritney Spears is drinking Coke in her dressing room?...Speaking of her dressing room, Here is alist of her required items (by Contract) to be in her room during the tour she just finished.......12 -One liter spring drinking water, 1- quart Cran-berryjuice, 6- cansof coke, 8- bottles of Gatorade (mixed grape and orange), 1- carafe of hot water, 1- tin eachInternational foods French Vanilla and Suisse Mocha, 1- fresh deli platter with bread, 1- fresh slicedfruit plate, 1- fresh veggie platter with dip, 1- small salad with eggs, mayo, and albacore tunaonly!, 1- box of altoids (red), 2- bags of Cool Ranch Doritos and WOW Doritos,....that's just her privateroom. The band room subsists mostly on water , a snack tray and a little fried chicken......... The bigquestion that everyone is buzzing about lately is "are they real?" or has she had a little stageenhancing surgery. Well we here at the Buzz aren't doctors, but we have compiled a few before andafter pictures and will let the good posters at PBN decide for themselves.....

If you have any questions About Britney's breasts, want to make suggestions for her wardrobe.....orare just a fan andwant to chat......... Britneyis managed and can be contacted through her manager Johnny Wright and can be reachedat (407) 826-9100. Johnny, or JW as we like to call him, is often very busy but Tim Miller, herproduction Manager, is at the same number and Jeannie can put you right through. If you are havingproblems reaching Tim (he has so many meetings you know), you might want to try his pagerat (877) 713-5361, or of course his AOL account at TMILLER906@aol.com But what if Britney is on theroad or on her bus?.....Look, we all realize that Britney has such a hectic schedule you might have totry and reach her on the road through her tour manager, Richard Channer at (718) 978-4151, but as hetravels so much also and rides with the band sometimes, his production assistant (Rob Brenner) might beeasier to reach on his mobile phone at: (973) 568-0720,...... and of course there is always Rob's emailat RBRENNER65@aol.com....... Make sure you say hi for me and just for fun you might wantto record a song with her!

Survivor II Roundup.......While Jerri and Colby are playing is that your foot? under the communal blanket, poor overweightaging Mad Dog "butch" Maralyn wasTOSSed leaving the twenty somethings to start eating their own soon.........Mad Dog was counting on herbest friend Tina and fellow aging cast mate to stick with her. Of course Tina had to keep to her"secret" promise instead. A secret promise?........"I tell you, once I kind of knew my time wasup, I tried to get in as many good sound bites as I could." from Maralyn's final words...........meanwhile over in Kuchaville......the lazy Harvard law student, Nick, is surely the next togo. His camp decorating skills aside, (learned while he living in San Francisco?), the rest of thegroup is culling the heard for strength......... In a true Lord of the Flies moment next week, a beastis killed. We can only hope there is a cave somewhere nearby and a good sturdy pole. Why the strongerOgakor tribe hasn't yet realized they could raid the Kucha camp for their supplies and women is beyondme......This is natural selection at work, pity they don't realize that the mental challenges arecoming......will the meek inherit the outback in theend? Will Paul Hogan show up to plug his new CrocodileDundee movie? Paul is quoted as saying "..... I said to myself, "Self, what movie arefans starving for more of? What glimpse at cinematic artistry can I give them this morning that willbring joy to their lives?" The answer came to me suddenly, as if by Divine inspiration! "CrocodileDundee 3," .... now there is an outback survivor....I can't wait!

Celebrity quote of the week......

"Hanoi" Jane Fonda - "I am happier now more than I ever was with a man."

I'm not a First Lady but I play one on TV......Poor Delta Burke. Playing the First Lady on NBC's DAG isn't getting her the respectshe thinks she deserves. While walking her designer dog with her $500 designer leashthe former designing woman was shocked that a woman was going to cut her little poochy's favlifeline to the star after their darlings got tangled. It's snubsville in the park now....... andlittle Delta isn't invited to the other pups prancing park parties anymore.

Fashion,"Puffy", Denise, and Katherine.Hip hopster Sean ``Puffy-that gun wasn't mine'' Combs, didn't let a few little legalproblems stop him from introducing his new oh-so-hip clothing linethis week in NY. After pulling a little trick on PETA, Puff Daddy trotted out several hot hot models inbits and pieces of fur.....PETA IS TICKED as the puffer told them he was fur free...... shirtless modelsin mink vests, Persian lamb overcoats, crocodile pants and slinky ostrich chinos shared the runway ......meanwhile.....across town...... Penthouse Pets and porn stars served (and it is being saidserviced) as hostesses and ushers for another clothingline Private Circle Word isthe two shows hooked (hookered?) up later to compare notes.......forget the NY society A list.....thehot ticket in town is where ever Puffy shows up...Just how hot is Puffy you ask? Well he brokeup with this yesterday......POLITICAL FASHION:on the political fashionscene, Kitten had this to say aboutNY gadabout DeniseRich and her new society look: " Look at those bulging folds of fat hanging out from her armpitsand that 56-year-old cleavage and those booming hips. Butt-Ugly! "...armpit fat?....MEOW.....Poster Rustynail found andposted another picof the toast of NY....Our own favpolitical gal Katherine Harris is turning heads in a full length Mink fur coat she pranced aboutin this week...some wags want to know where and from who she got it.....but we know don'twe pipers....the rumor that just won't die keeps following poor Kat like one of Hillary's farts. Thistime poster little JoeLieberman jumpedin (YET ANOTHER) Katherine Harris thread:

"Why Mr. Vice President I had no idea and despiteyour impressive Rolling Stone cover photo my heart belongs to the justly jouncyand not so jesuitical Jeb.

But Kathewine we could fool awound and no one would know! Pweaaaaaseeee! Tipperthoaks up enough sauce to fwoat a battleship, she ain't gonna know!

I'm sorry Mr Vice President Jeb is my main cookie, nookie monster, if you knowwhat I mean. He's my Orio Boy - sure knows how to put the icing betweenmy cookies, hooooo hoooooo baaaby!....oreo boy?...good grief...will this story never end?

And on a thread about a three hundredyear old "Penis" shaped cup that the British havefound, SunnyUSA feltinspired to write:"....she (Kate) felt her pulse quicken, and her chest heaved slightly.... her mindwas flooded with the thought of him (Jeb) gulping from the Manly Cup - for her love runnethover for him in so many ways.....Sunny!..my my.

- PIPE GEMS -

Badeye on Clinton playing golf at aall white club: "Since Clinton has been called "The First Black President" wouldn't it be correct tosay he is this Country Clubs "Token"? "........from the samethread Crewball writes: "FranklyI could give a dang. Never could understand why people would bother chasing a little "white" ball allover the place in hopes it would find a hole in the ground, in this case, called a cup.".... It's simpleCrew, in Clinton's eyes golf is a metaphor for sex. ........... mgc1122 on Donna "we can't letthose white boys win" Brazile:"Brazile would be the perfect choice for the D.C. government -- givenits historical penchant for electing racists, drug addicts and criminals which reflect a large part ofthe constituency. "............... mgc1122 on themedia:" The stink from the "most ethical Administration" is causing some of the left to gasp forair which causes them to lose the vacuum pressure which held their lips tight to Clinton's ass the last8 years. ".... Kitten on foreignaid: " It is as if all aid has to pass through the bowels of some monstrous governmental animal toenable the excrement to be delivered to the poor. "........Erika on Government: "Say 250years ago in New England that a bunch of cows were using and defacating in the river. Five milesdownstream a homesteader and their children drank from the water and washed their clothes. And thenthey realized what was going on and wanted it stopped but the rancher said no. They go for mediationrather than kill, and the only mediation was a form of government. How do you feel about governmentin that situation? "....look Pa, here comes another one!

......Point - CounterpointFrom the right - hennypenny onClinton: "There has never been, or is it likely there ever shall be a human with both the criminalmind , twenty years of practice and the collection of such a vast number of similar roaches . Couldany man bring together the likes of criminal crud that this man has? Could any nation ever have itsvarious arms of government so compromised and lent to such a vast criminal enterprise as the Clintondynasty ? What else remains to be compromised ? What has been used IN this enterprise ? The FBI. theCIA,the IRS, the Justice Dept.the White House, the Senate, congress , the State Dept, the CommerceDept. Unions , Foreign Spies, Foreign Nationals, and NOW Foreign Crooks. After looting , trashingleaving the Washington on the heels of Midnight Pardons for all the riff raft he has know or workedwith or through for the last 8 years....EVERY DAMN ONE OF THEM AND MOST OF THE PRESS SHOULD BE INJAIL... we should NEVER stop looking at the deeds of these people. "....and from the left astudied reply from - ....War"TimRussert is another Clinton c*** grabber who cannot let go. He, Burton, you, et.al. can't abide by thefact that Clinton won. Live with it... ".

Buzz Letter of the Week

Dear Buzz, What is it like to work at such a respected news institution? Signed A fan.

Many posters are asking what it is like work here at "control" as they like to call it. I'm swornand restricted by an Oprah like contract from talking about specifics, but I can talk about myinterview as it was before I agreed to it. Only later did I discover why they wanted the names andaddresses of all my relatives. The first thing you notice on entering the pipe, and yes, it is anactual pipe, is how dark it is. But as your eyes adjust, you realize that it's the flat black paintthat disoriented you. You are led through a series of passages, each indistinguishable from the nextand lined with odd high tech outlets covered in black tinfoil, until you find yourself alone in a smallroom. It's black as well and a glow from the ceiling sort of lets you see the bones in your hand ifyou hold it up. I got a memo about not looking directly at the light so I don't do that anymore. Afterhooking up to the electrodes, a voice starts asking you questions. "how much water is there in theMississippi river?" and stupid math questions like asking you to count backward from a hundred....stuff like that. I must have gotten sleepy as I dozed off. I haven't actually met anyone here asall contact is done through little slots in the wall. We are paid in electronic script, which is goodfor ordering things from our pipe store that are delivered through a series of pneumatic tubes. Thereare mirrors everywhere. Sometimes I think people are watching me. I got a memo about not going nearthe mirrors. It makes me feel safe. It's secure employment though. I have them by the short hairs....two year contract! Boy did I get the better of them.

Lewinski trivia answers.....(1)- Club Monaco Glaze, (2)- Louisiana, (3)-$90-185......And a specialnote to all you "lurkers" out there, please feel free to send in your suggestions..."setyourself free"...Until next week, your undying light at the end of the cultural tunnel.... The Unknown Poster

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BuzzFile - Week Ending Feb 9, 2001

Think Superman is full of himself? Think Batman needsto "get over it?" You are not alone and welcome toThe Buzz.....Items can be sent to PipeBombNews withthe word BUZZ in the subject line or email me directly..... I want towelcome JJ back to the US from his stint in Europe. Rumorhas it he was bleaching sparrows and selling them as canaries to Welch coal miners and Euro-trash PETAactivists......I'm still trying to get to the bottom of it.....Speakingof PETA, if you haven't heardtheir singing cows yet, you're missing something.. "we want to stay togetherwe don't want to be your leather"...makes me hungry!...... Before we get goingI have some late breaking bad news to report. Gothrocker Marilyn Manson will not bereprising Gene Wilder's role in the Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory remake thatdirector Tim "Sleepy Hollow" Burton isdoing. "I see Willy Wonka as Satan ...." Manson is quoted as saying...... I can'twait to see Burton's vision of the OompaLoompas. ......People For The Ethical Treatment of Oompas, PETOL arealready stamping their little feet.......This is one film shoot I will be following foryou and as WW said in the original - "The suspense is terrible....I hope it'll last".

POLITICS

JESSE JACKSON:

Bomber gto posted thefollowing this week on a Jesse money scandal thread and it was just too good notto lead with:

>>> > > Due to the great consternation caused by the revelation ofmy act of >> > > procreation, I accept my obligation to give an explanation tothe >> > > population for my act of copulation. I gave in to temptation, forthe >> > > anticipation of sexual gratification, that I could not obtainthrough >> > > masturbation, which resulted in my fornication. I acceptedher >> > > invitation, and provided her with excitation, stimulation, >penetration, >> > > replication,and liberation. She provided lubrication (to avoid >> > > inflammation) and I wore condomsto avoid contamination. She cried >for >> > > duplication but I insisted upon termination, inspite of her >fascination >> > > with variation. >> > > >> > > This has caused me greataggravation, and the agitation and >provocation >> > > of the media has resulted in myhumiliation, denigration, and >> > > degradation. My wife is considering castration, whichwould require >my >> > > hospitalization. Pray that this matter will find culmination inmy >> > > sanctification and rehabilitation so that my plans for nomination to >my >> > > ultimatevocation will not result in revocation and termination. I >hope >> > > this proclamation hasprovided illumination and verification and will >> > > prohibit furtherprovocation.

That's not all Jesse has to worry about these days. Just what is hedoing hanging around a suspicious Division Street Bathhouse in Chicago...hmmmm......Buzz beatChicago little birdies are hinting of television crews staking it out. Pity the poor youngreporter picked to go undercover........This story isn't hot, it's steaming.....all Ican say is stay out da saunas.

Former Viacom and HBO chiefexecutive FrankBiondi, music-industry power broker Allen Grubman is on the 30th floor. JerrySeinfeld is in negotiations to lease the 55th floor right under Clinton. Can't youvision Seinfield under his office poking the ceiling with a broom...."hey, quietdown up there".

Barry Diller, USA Networks' offices on the 42nd floor. Entertainmentexecutive Frank Biondi is now a venture capitalist on 46. Stanley Jaffe,of The Accused, is on 52. Director Robert (Kramer vs. Kramer) Bentonis on 26. Allen Grubman's law firm represents everyone from Madonna toSpringsteen, is on 30 and 31. Mr. Case and Mr. Pittman of AOL, have offices onthe 27th floor. Hedge-fund manager Mark Kingdon is on 50. Celebrities from ChrisRock to Arsenio Hall share the elevators and building intercom wasssss uppppbanter.

"It's a building for currently successful scoundrels ?. You haveto have the money, but it's not really high-class." the Observeris quoting a NY broker as saying.

Buzz is that the other tenants have gotten over their initialstar shock of having Bill for a neighbor and have figured out that intense FBIsecurity checks will have to be done on all of them including their staff.....look forseveral FOR RENT signs in the windows.........should make for some interesting buildingmeetings.....

Must have been the neighbors that ran Tina Brown out of the buildingto take her not so hot anymore "Talk Magazine" to low rent space. Thenagain, Bill and company are setting up shop in her old office space.....swappingone set of trash for another? Chat room traffic is wondering if WJC wants to bethe new JFKjr dandy of NYC. Sorry Bill, the Kennedys' made their money honestly inbootlegging, not White House yard sales toChina. As Kitten stated on a threadrecently "they will be seated next to the kitchen" most everywhere theygo. New Yorkers, like children, can be so cruel......Thanksto clay for postingwhere Bill Inc., is getting his foundation money. Can yousay DeniseRich? ....sure, I knew you could.....Sounds like Billy Bob is making hismove on the entertainment industry via his Rich B*****.

MeowRep Dan Burton (R) thought he was going to grab all the headlines with hiscall for an investigation on Billy's new sugar mamma. No so fast.......SenArlen"Ira Einhorn" Specter (R-PA) smelled ink and wants in on the Denise Rich investigation as well. All Burton could say was "I wish him well"...yaright. ...Maybe W should concentrate on his own back yard for a while instead ofmunching popcorn with TK.

JEB AND KATHERINE:

"Oh the weather outside is frightful" .... Fun inthe snow with her ex? Has Katherine been making snow angels with the enemy? You be thejudge. Her snow man ex pulled off the ol' damsel in distress bitsaving her. Katherine and her mysterious case of the slope vaporsaside, let's just hope Jeb has plenty of ice cream in the refrigerator. Hemight need some consolation. "Theirs was a love that transcended time, ranroughshod over moral dogmas, guffawed in the face of adversity, rent asunder theshackles of social convention and took a sledgehammer to the crumbling walls ofreligious doctrine: a passionate love, a tender love, a selfless love, an undyinglove."....sheesh...now they have me doing it.

TECH

For those using Juno, and there are millions, you just might wanna take a teeny tiny look at thefine print at the bottom of the I ACCEPT button. You will be agreeing to downloadingtheir software that will replace your screensaver and you will be giving a right to: "initiatea telephone connection from your computer to Juno's central computers" anytime they want. There are also worries that third parties can also gainaccess......... "JUMP"...."might as well Jump!". VanHalen was blaring from loudspeakers as a hacker broke into a Nebraska policebroadcast while a man was threatening to leap from an overpass. Police Chief Don Careywants to know who did it. Here is a clue for you Chief.....check the high school......Badhacker!.......Bill, the ultimate white guilt guy, Gates is feeling the need to connect withthe rest of us and wants to play a game. You can go head to head with him on a stockpicking contest......winner gets $5,000......sounds like a fair game to me. Details onMSN....wait a minute....he owns MSN.

CALIFORNIA

CALIFORNIA HERE I COME:You might be thinking this section is devoted to the energy crisis......yawn......No pipers there isanother storm brewing in the land of milk and honey. I'm talking about Mickey, Donald andGoofyville. Disneyland is opening it's longawaited "CaliforniaAdventure" today. One thing many are wondering......why have a California Adventure inCalifornia? For the price of the family ticket, you can drive to the real thing. California wine andcheese industries are wringing their hands at the idea of expansion of "California Adventure" intothe Euro-Disney park.......Imagine introducing the French to real wine and cheese.

Silicon Valley is absolutely fuming that there is no attraction celebrating the high-techindustry. The Dot-com Ghost Town has been suggested. Rumors of unrest are boiling overin the city by the bay city with an always vocal special interest group. They are complainingthere is no nod to them in the park. I'm not saying who they are, but let's just say theyaren't Boy Scouts......... There are more important things to give the suits gray hairthough. Apparently one of the rides caught on fire and the park had to be evacuated during atrial run at the IMAX. In this case it was OK to yell fire in the theater. For those that arefamiliar with the Disney parks, word is it isn't all that different from other parks. Forinstance, the Bugs life and Muppet rides are copies from Orlando as are others. Pipers are hinting on suggestedattractions for the park. "Donald Duck's Crazy Crack House" and "Drive By Street" seem to be theleaders. DINING: The ABC Soap Opera Bistro on Main Street will allow you to eat in a mockup of the emergency room of General Hospital......Ijust hope they didn't get too creative with the table ware.....at least they lifted theban on alcohol.....$43.00 per person....and that's just in the door.

Main park has it's worries too.....Recently a glitch in the lovable Pirates of theCaribbean ride caused a woman and baby to, shall we say, have a bad experience. "Yo hoho...A pirates life for me"......Maybe it had something to do with Pirate Karma as the ride waspolitically correctized. Now the plundering pirates are chasing the women of the town offeringflowers instead of.....well, you know......Just how old is that ride anyway?.........Heads willbe turning, Linda Blair 360s, at the new nightly parade starting April 1st. For some reasonDisney execs have decided to do away with the cute family oriented Electrical Parade with dancingcharacters.......Oh there will be characters all right, but dead ones brought back to life by hightech Star Trek like lights........let my Sleeping Beauty creature live............some are wonderingif they are going to pull Walt out of the freezer and defrost him. The pay-per-view revenue wouldbe excellent!......lets see now, there are Gay days at the park, man as life giving God throughtechnology in the parades, the park is now politically correct.......It's only a matter of timeuntil Transvestite day appears on the program.......there is already a move being made by anti gungroups to stop the Jungle ride from shooting blanks at the hippos.......For fun, call their park officeand try to get an official tour for your in uniform Boy Scout troop these days......the magichas been fading for years........

HOLLYWIERD

Even more problems for ABCDISNEY

Johnny Knoxville, star of the MTVseries "Jackass," droppedout of a starring role in a pilot for Disney-owned ABC. He left only days after Sen. Joe "sorelooserman" Lieberman, D. Conn., (remember him) called "Jackass" "irresponsible" and demandedthe show be taken off the air or toned down. Joe Lieberman calling "Jackass" irresponsible. Nuffsaid.

SURVIVOR II:MrPeabody our ex-patriotliving Down Under was hinting on a recent thread that "he heard" that the SurvivorII cast was living in "caravans" while the cameras were off. Well, all I know is I'm proud ofour American survivalists. My bookie, er....source in Vegas, says the money is moving off ofRodger toward Jerri.....I'm not issuing a buy order yet, but stay tuned. Survivor quote ofnote: "It's a mammal, I can't do it," Kimmi, the annoying Survivor chick. on beingoffered cow brains. All was not lost, as in the end, the echo of "The Ogakor tribehas just lost the immunity challenge. Kucha rules!" could be heard thundering throughthe Australian Outback. Survivor Elisabeth Filarski iscausing quite a stir these days as it is being said that she had a little something-to-do withall the Reebok nifty gear the Survivors are using. Could it be her internship at Reebok whileshe attended Boston College? People are wondering, not out loud yet, but wondering just thesame about how contestants are chosen. Rumors are wild at Reebok hq. Hold all betsPipeBombers! The fix might be in.

CrusinTom Crusie andcutie pie wifey Nicole are on the outs according to reports and recent postingby US Visitor. But what Pipersare wanting to know.....what's thereal reason? Maybe this picture of Nicthat Sunny USA found explaines why she didn't "do" it forhim. Bombers aren't waiting for the reason, as speculation is poor Nicole had a "Mission Impossible" fromthe start.....Is Tom sneaking out to buy Disco records?....Maybe the best acting Nicole has doneis that of a beard......Alte Hawg wants toknow in a post: "Come to think of it, why did Cruise love to make movies about the Navy. Couldit be that he was attracted to all those young men in those tight, white pants. Or perhaps itwas the snug living quarters aboardship.".....talk has Tommy boy playing "Top Gun" withRichard "man-candy" Gere....but would it work? Two decorators in ahouse might be one too many......Late Wednesday Tommy made it official amid even more rumors. This timeRussell "Gladiator" Crowe on the lips of wondering celeb fans......what's to happen to the two littledarling designer adopted kids they bought?......keep an eye on ebay.......time will tell.

Caged HeatSultry Deborah Norville tradedher peek-a-boo plunging neckline for county red and white stripes this week. She joinedher cell sisters to bring us, via "Inside Edition", the true day to day life of being aprisoner. "I want to find a solution" said Norville. She will be in lock down forseveral days and we are all waiting for the jailhouse gossip. Off camera talk is that shehad to be moved to a semi-private wing of the jail as the other prisoners were getting alittle hot. And I'm not talking about the TV coverage. Already elected to thecelebrity "legs" hall of fame, Deborah is sure to be a hit in the day room. We can onlyhope there is an evil warden running a secret prisoner call girl ring and it will hit thevideo rentals.

WHINING CELEBRITIES:

Whitney don'tbogart that joint Houston is doing her best aging song diva bit these days and peopleare wondering out loud just how bad her drug problem is. Herlittle Hawaiianvacation issue just won't go away. According to local prosecutors, Whitneydoesn't "always love" living up to her court agreements. No fines have been paidand she is not submitting to court ordered evaluation. It should be all right though, I hearshe is getting counseling from Robert Downey Jr (wink).

How do you follow playing God? James "The Rockford Files" Garner, and for those of you oldenough, "Maverick" fame has tossed the tie-dyedJerry Garcia garb of the hip voice of "God" of the recently departed God the Devil andBob. James is rumored to be taking a role as a US Supreme Court Justice for a new fallshow. JAG creator DonBellisario is putting together a West Wing type drama centered on the court. One can onlyhope they try to adhere to the fair and balanced coverage of political views that the producersof West Wing have established. If anyone wants to send me their suggestions for casting theSupreme Court, I'll think about posting them here next week and send them on to Bellisario. Goodluck James..

QUOTES:It's almost as much fun looking attheir mugshots As listening tothem whine.

"Passing the vodka bottle around. And playing the guitar. I've always done the same...I eatall the wrong things, I drink all the wrong things, I smoke all the wrong things. My metabolismis that way." Keith Richards. A definite Libertarian.

"No. I don't want to be known for my coochie. If I did that, it would say that's all I'vegot. I want to be known for being and athlete, a writer, a sportscaster. Besides, I think mostpeople think I'm pretty to look at like a car not a sex object." Supermodel Gavrielle Resseon posing nude. Just keep telling yourself thatGabby. More Wisdom of Supermodels.

"Girls who put out are tramps. Girls who don't are ladies. This is, however, a rather archaicusage of the word. Should one of you boys happen upon a girl who doesn't put out, do not jump tothe conclusion that you have found a lady. What you have probably found is alesbian". Fran Lebowitz

"The great thing about L.A. is the tremendous diversity. There is no other place in Americawhere you can see the ocean, snow and desert all from one vantagepoint." -- BERNARDPARKS, LAPD CHIEF.....whatcha smokin chief?

- PIPE GEMS -

KingKangaroo on 50 way to upsetliberals...."Send Ted Kennedy a voucher for swimming lessons ... with a partner!" ...FROMTHE SAME THREAD...... Ladybug - "Goout on a boat with an environmentalist for a day of whale watching, when you come across a pod, grabyour bag of rocks start throwing them toward the whales and shout, "Go away, get out ofhere." ......."Stupidity is as Stupidity does" Awardto theseguys as 357MAGNUM postedrecently.......and from theleft: Erika Writes on a recent happy birthday thread toRonald Reagan: "Bush, like Reagan, willagain give the most back to those who need it the least And when shortages occur, Bush will cutsocial programs for the poor to make up for it. Then he will talk about how Christian he is. You'dthink someone would figure out this pandering to the rich. There's no decency in it. Justcorrupt greed.".....No cake for you.

LETTER OF THE WEEK:

In answer to your many, many solicitations (at least two or three), your lacrimoniousimportunities, and even your questions, here is the selected letter to the Buzz this week:

Dear Buzz File,My sister just married a junkie with AIDS, so my father bought aThompson sub-machine gun on the black market, and went looking forhim. The cops picked him up and sent him to jail, so my mother appliedfor welfare. My other two sisters went to work as streetwalkers in aneffort to help support mom and me. As a result, we make too much moneyto be qualified for food stamps. My mother finally got a job as a chickenplucker at the local Chicken Delight Drive In. But she had to quit after aweek because she found out that she was allergic to eggs. Anyway..my problem is this....shouldI wear a red dress or a black dress to go along with my blonde wig and purplelipstick..to look for work next week? My friends say that its just alittle too much. I really value your opinion...so let me have it ! Signed, Confused

Dear confused, The important thing is you have a strong family base to rely on. Good luck.

As a certain poster on a certain other site would say "giggle giggle".....until nextweek.... word out....and props to our homies on Central.....Happy Birthday RR and Happy Trails Dale....YourTrashmaster TheUnknown Poster.

DISCLAIMERAny reference to persons living or dead is purely coincidental. No electrons were harmedduring the creation of this article. The views expressed in this article do not necessarilyreflect the views of PipeBombStaff management or their advertisers. The author would like toacknowledge and pay tribute to Stanley Kubrik, Kirk Douglas and all those who were involvedwith the making of the film classic "SPARTACUS". Any resemblance between the written views andthose of the Pipe, my terminal, or the view out my window are purely coincidental. Any resemblancebetween the below and my own views is non-deterministic. The question of the existence of viewsin the absence of anyone to hold them is left as an exercise for the reader. The question of theexistence of the reader is left as an exercise for the second god coefficient. (A discussion ofnon-orthogonal, non-integral polytheism is beyond the scope of this article.)

BuzzFile - Week Ending Feb 01, 2001

Political Gossip:

The water coolers of America are abuzz with the political/romance rumor of Jeb Bush and Katherine Harris. What started as an eighth grade girls locker room joke has been spreading....fast!

Not even the mighty PipeBombNews has been able to escape the heat. And I'm not talking about the Florida sunshine. Our own Phoenix has been waxing romantic on Harris threads with such tidbits as:

"In the fading light of a dying day filtered through the window blinds of the executive office, Jeb stood over his sleeping and spent desire . He was surprised at the serenity that filled him. In this light she looked a woman half her age, which was exactly what he wanted. Snubbing out his cigarette into a half eaten sandwich, he drew closer to her. Blowing softly below her shoulder her hair drifted like blowing snow to reveal her tattoo. He sat there tracing the J and B over and over with his finger until he could feel himself fill with desire. She must be his. He would tell her that night, when she came to him again. With wobbling knees and a swimming head, the Bush-stud rose unsteadily to his feet and approached her, like a pyroclastic flow, and ready to erupt."

When contacted, Phoenix related that his inbox is filling up with prose from other Bombers such as:

"She scuttled accross the cold tile floor in that kinky arthropodian manner that he so loved. Barefoot and bereft of modesty, her bittersweet masque in place, she drew ever nearer to Jeb, his breathing now ripping the air like a lusty locomotive. Release me from this infernal passion, oh you saucy kitty..." - Anonymous

It's hard to write that bad, but as SunnyUSA stated on a recent thread "those tanned Florida loins" can't keep their hands off each other. Jeb better watch out though, rumor has it Kate may be playing both sides of the political fence with an ex....in the snow.....brrrr........golf clap!

High Tech:

Shhhh! Here comes RumorBot. Gossip-Seeking Robots to Roam Internet ``The idea is to track and analyze, in real times, online newsgroups, chatrooms and lists,'' Stephane Perino of Agence Virtuelle told New Scientist magazine. Sending an email isn't like leaning over the backyard fence.....But that's not all to worry and fret over in the high tech world this week. AOL is rumored to be quite worried about Eastern Block countries having cracked it's Instant Messenger code.

Oh Those Whining Celebrities

Celebrity quotes of the week:

``Think about it, he's the son of a famous mum, dad and grandfather. His self-identity could be knocked constantly, because he may have to work harder to make a name for himself as a lot of people will have the attitude, 'Oh, he's from that family -- everything is an easy ride for him.'...... ``In two years' time I want to be able to take my son to the park and not have to explain why 20 people with cameras are running after us,'' Zeta-Jones said in an interview with the TV Times. - Catherine Zeta-Jones on precious Little Dylan growing up.

Jennifer Lopez On the little problem Puff Daddy is going through in court. '''My way of dealing with it is not even knowing what's going on. I don't know half the things they say or half the things they write or the rumors out there. Don't care. Don't care to know. Don't ask anybody what's going on,'' . Well she's no Marvin Gaye.

Television:

The internet water cooler is glub glubing away while couch potatoes try to pick the winner of The Australian Outback" - c'mon you know you watch! Gossip has it that the smart money in Vegas is going with Rodger. Wait a minute...smart money in Vegas? Anyway, the real question is what about Survivor III. Look for South America or African Rainforest action in the making....can't wait for the vine swinging Tarzan action myself....and remember.....you heard it here first!

Music:

A long standing musical mystery was answered this week as crooner Tom Jones finally owned up to the origin of "Delilah". ``I couldn't find a rhyme for Delia, but then I had a flash of inspiration and came up with Delilah,'' he told reporters. ``I put my heart and soul into that song -- and that is how 'Delilah' was born.'' Speaking to . Hmmm...my my my.

Movie Buzz:

There is only one word on the lips in Hollywierd this week and it's 'Hannibal'. No , not the elephant riding, town raiding, woman stealing barbarian. This conquering gourmet is the long awaited sequel to "Silence of the Lambs". Sans Jody. Directed by Ridley Scott of Alien/s/3 fame, this film is rumored to be half drama half horror. I don't want to give the film away, but think 'wild boars' starting Feb 9th. Oh, and some movie reviewers are "claiming" they received a copy of "The Joy of Cooking" along with the preview tape. As the good Doctor might say "goody - goody".

And remember Bombers....we look through the internet trash so you don't have to!