My sister is still fighting the "do I or don't I have a relationship with FOO" battle. She's slowly coming around because she is seeing evidence time and time again that they.will.not.change. She talks to Mother. But limits her exposure to the monster, I mean Dad. (Sorry Gonnabe, I know your STBX has been dubbed Monster but my dad isn't too far behind him.)

There was an issue today. Mother called her and asked her to do something. She said no, she couldn't. Mother responds, "Who said? Your husband? Or you?" Oh I'm sorry, does it matter? The answer was NO.

My sister sat on it a while then called her back up a few hours later. She said, "Did I hear you correctly? Did you really ask whether it was me or my husband's decision? Because I don't think it should matter...?" Mother responds with, "Oh Honey. Let's not talk about it. Forget I ever said anything. So about *insert superficial subject*..." See what she did there folks? Am I crazy? Does that not seem more than a little suspect?

Oh, and I'm using my children for blackmail. If my parents don't do what I want, (Oh puh-leeze. We know who runs the circus over there!) I punish them and use my children as a blackmail tool by withholding them from FOO. Riiiight. I'm 29 years old and you can't respect me as an adult and an individual. So I'm totally going to drop my kids off at your house so they can be sacrificed on your alters of manipulation and abuse. Seems legit.

Everything is my fault. I never realized I had the power to make people do things like blow thousands of dollars on fancy sports cars and then not be able to afford groceries the next week. I didn't realize I had the power to cause friendships that I had NO ties to, to end. I had no idea I was powerful enough to read minds. (Cmon. If I could really read minds or the future, don't you think I would have, Ohhhh I dunno, won the lottery or something?) I had no idea I could make other people that live miles from me, to feel certain feelings. Who knew!!!! Anyone wanna cup of anger or jealousy? A jar of bitterness. A keg or resentment? PM me. I have a store on Etsy. I accept PayPal and all major credit cards.

I watch these nutballs from a distance and I am so.glad. so.glad. (twice for emphasis) that I'm not under their thumbs. That I am free. Yes. I see and hear stuff. It's inevitable. But I shake my head, laugh, go on with an occasional rant, and carry on with my awesome life.

Folks. Don't blame others for your issues. If you are unhappy, get happy. If you are stuck, throw a strap around a tree and pull yourself out. If you are miserable in a toxic situation, please realize, you can get out. You don't have to stay stuck. Don't be a victim in every sense of the word. Find your inner power. Let it propel you into a happier, healthier life. And when people talk smack about you behind your back, smile and know that you're doing what is best for you, what others think doesn't matter.

BS-me, 54; WH (Trac-fone), 55, PD---divorcing
So much for the past and present. The future is called "perhaps," which is the only possible thing to call the future. And the important thing is not to let that scare you--Tennessee Williams

Posts: 14737 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest

20WrongsVs1♀ 39000Member # 39000

Posted: 9:50 PM, June 23rd (Monday), 2014

Choosing to respond mindfully, deliberately, to whatever crazy is thrown at you...that is freedom.

Oh, Aubrie. I am so sorry you are dealing with this from your family, but this:

Everything is my fault. I never realized I had the power to make people do things like blow thousands of dollars on fancy sports cars and then not be able to afford groceries the next week. I didn't realize I had the power to cause friendships that I had NO ties to, to end. I had no idea I was powerful enough to read minds. (Cmon. If I could really read minds or the future, don't you think I would have, Ohhhh I dunno, won the lottery or something?) I had no idea I could make other people that live miles from me, to feel certain feelings. Who knew!!!! Anyone wanna cup of anger or jealousy? A jar of bitterness. A keg or resentment? PM me. I have a store on Etsy. I accept PayPal and all major credit cards.

Made me laugh out loud. I love how you put it!

Having put up with similar stuff from my parents (replace sports car with expensive club membership and you have my dad) I can empathize. I am just glad you're figuring out how it really is not your fault. :)

20, They don't talk to me. And if they do, they get a generic answer, or a nod, and a view of the back of my head. I have learned the art of masking my features and staying very chill when close to them.

I only show my frustration here, with my besties, or with QS. It's usually hormonal or hunger driven. Chocolate usually calms me the crap down and life goes on.

It's just so dang sad. They are so miserable. They cannot be legit nice to anyone. They find fault with everything. I am set up for failure. Doesn't matter what I do. Spent a lifetime trying to please someone who has ever changing rules and expectations. And I don't care anymore. Not my problem.

Cdnmommy, it is amazing isn't it? He has morphed in just the past few months into someone I don't even know. And I don't wanna know. He is scary. And so obscenely bitter and broken. But he is too chicken to look internally. He has a victim that he takes from on a regular basis and he is content. And his victim is mad at me because I deserted her. Sorry. I'm not your supplement. Excuse me while I pull my little B12 self out of your medicine cabinet. Thankyou. .

[This message edited by Aubrie at 8:08 AM, June 24th (Tuesday)]

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

Posts: 7540 | Registered: Nov 2011

20WrongsVs1♀ 39000Member # 39000

Posted: 9:17 AM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2014

I have learned the art of masking my features and staying very chill when close to them.

Fake it till ya make it.

What I'm seeing here is you learning to shrug. Just as you don't have the power to make your FOO do or feel anything, you're finding the reverse is true as well. Seems like you're progressing toward not just masking your features, but achieving a sense of calm in the face of chaos.

Aubrie. This is the easiest problem I've ever seen here. Just get a poster board. A sharipie and a string. Affix string to two adjacent corners of poster board, leaving enough slack to fit over your head.. Write on poster board

YOU'RE RIGHT IT IS ALL MY FAULT

On it in big letters so nobody has to use reading glasses to read it.

Think of all the time you'll save in conversations about it being your fault and you can move onto other subjects or shut them up entirely since they won't have anything else to add.

Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest

BrokenButTrying♀ 42111Member # 42111

Posted: 9:56 AM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2014

Sorry you have such awful FOO but you're really progressing. Looks like you're handling this great now. Really happy for you Aubrie

Madhatters doing well in R.

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.

Posts: 1363 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK

Wayflost♀ 41583Member # 41583

Posted: 10:00 AM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2014

((Aubrie))

I felt like I was reading about my family. My mother recently sent me a series of e-mails about how she is dying because I chose to remove myself from daily contact with her and asked for space.

It's been very difficult for me to actually remove myself from the dynamic. But with the distance I have also come to realize that I have always been "responsible" for every one else in my family. It was a role I effortlessly filled.

You always make me laugh with your spin on it. Thank you for the moment of humor this morning!

"Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly."

Glad some of you got a smile out of the rant. I laugh because rolling my eyes was giving me headaches.

I am content with bring the problem. I am content with "being dead set against fixing the family issue". (Which BTW, I'm not. Just not going to cheat myself out of healthy and authentic in the process) And I'm content with not making the first move. (I did. They just didn't like it.)

There are inconsistencies and lies popping up all over the place. They continue in self destructive paths that would take me all day to elaborate on. But I'll spare you. It doesn't matter. The point is, I cut the rope and they can't take me down with them.

Sometimes I get fed up and rant. Sometimes I still ask "why?". But overall, my path is clear and it's rewarding, even with all the hurt and destruction. Maybe one day when drama happens, I will have absolutely zero reaction. Externally or internally. (Does that really happen?) Sometimes fear still shows its face. But those moments happen fewer and farther between. And your courage soars, and your confidence is built up. And when you're standing in the shower at the end of a long and crazy day and your husband murmurs, "I'm so glad you saw the light and ran." And he looks into your eyes and you realize there are no more walls between you. It's just more validation that this path is the right one, and our direction is correct, and our future is bright.

[This message edited by Aubrie at 10:54 AM, June 24th (Tuesday)]

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

Posts: 7540 | Registered: Nov 2011

itainteasy♀ 31094Member # 31094

Posted: 2:00 PM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2014

Spent a lifetime trying to please someone who has ever changing rules and expectations.

THIS. A million times.

I asked my mother once "How am I ever supposed to make you happy if you keep changing the rules?"

The response I got? She blinked at me, like a deer in headlights, then said "I have no idea what you're talking about" and went on to criticize something else I'd done.

It's so much easier now. I call when I want to talk, and when she ventures into territory I have told her I will not discuss I cut the call short.