Toosday Joe's

Toosday Joe's - 07/22/1307:34 PM

Never hold discussions with the monkey when the organ grinder is in the room.Winston Churchill~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5, and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will transferred to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until someone comes on the line.

If you are dyslexic, press 6969696969.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic-stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.

If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you."~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"

The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't hear the question.

"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated loudly.

The witness still did not respond.

Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."

"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two guys were sitting in a bar getting really drunk. After awhile, just drinking gets boring, so the first guy looks at the second guy and says, "Hey, you want to go up for a ride in my airplane?"

The second guy says, "Wow, you have an airplane? Let's go!"

So they get some more beer and go for a tour around the city in the plane. Eventually they get bored with this too, so they decide to land. The drunk pilot starts circling around looking for a place to land, and he sees an airstrip close by. He says his new buddy along for the ride, "Let's land here. It looks like it's as good a place as any."

So he circles around and goes in for a landing, but at the last minute he swerves and pulls back up. "MAN!!!" he says, "That is the SHORTEST runway I have ever seen! How is anyone supposed to land on it?" But since it's the only runway nearby, he decides to try again, with the same result.

Getting pretty irritated, the pilot says to his friend, "All right, I'm going to try ONE more time, and if I can't land it we're just going to crash and hope we don't die." So they end up crashing, and miraculously neither is hurt.

When they crawl out of the wreckage, the first guy is swears and gesticulates wildly at the runway. "I'm gonna find whoever designed this crazy runway and wring his neck! He must be total moron! No one could land on anything that short!"

The second guy looks around and says "Yeah, but look how wide it is!"~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sending Telegrams

* A daughter sends a telegram to her father on her clearing B.Ed exams, which the father receives as "Father, your daughter has been successful inBED."

* A husband, while he is on a business trip to a hill station sends a telegram to his wife "I wish you were here." The message received by wife, "I wish you were her."

* A wife with near maturing pregnancy goes to railway station to return to her husband. At the reservation counter, while her turn came, it was the last ticket. Taking pity on a very old lady next to her in the queue, she offered her berth to the old lady and sent a telegram to her husband which reached as "Shall be coming tomorrow, heavy rush in the train, gave birth to an old lady."

* And the most famous of them all...

A man wants to celebrate his wife's Birthday by throwing a party. So he goes to order a birthday cake. The salesman asks him what message he wants to put on the cake. Well he thinks for a while and says let's put, "you are not getting older you are getting better". The salesman asks "how do you want me to put it?" The man says, Well put "You are not getting older", at the top and "You are getting better" at the bottom. The real fun didn't start until the cake was opened the entire party watched the message decorated on the cake "You are not getting older at the top You are getting better at the bottom"~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The eight Saddam body doubles are gathered in one of the bunkers in downtown Baghdad. Tariq Aziz, the deputy prime minister, comes in and says, "I have some good news and some bad news." They ask for the good news first.

Aziz says, 'The good news is that Saddam is still alive, so you all still have jobs." "And the bad news?" they ask.

Aziz replies, "He's lost an arm." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Good morning everyboomie.

Oh happy day.

I am off Wednesday and Thursday, so I'm thinking I probably won't go to work on those two days.

That makes today Friday for me. YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

There are two birds in the tree outside my window that are making out, and fondling each other. Good grief!

GET A NEST FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!

Sorry, I don't like looking at their little peckers.

If they were Love birds it might be different.

Sorry, where was I? I completely missed the big anniversary we had over the weekend. Did you guys catch it?

The 44th anniversary of the conspiracy of putting a man on the moon?

I think if that had really happened, they would have brought the man in the moon back, and jailed him for non payment of taxes for the last 4 billion years.

Re: Toosday Joe's - 07/22/1309:55 PM

Hey, Ana! Hope you are feeling better from your mishap! Enjoy your bike ride and run with your sweet dogs!

Good morning, sweet 'Boomies!

Still Monday evening for me....

Daughter's boyfriend has been working out of town for the last year, coming home only on weekends. Well, his company now has him working locally and he was able to move home over the weekend. Daughter is ecstatic, to say the least. Daughter, boyfriend, his parents, and Hubby and I are all going out for sushi on Wednesday to celebrate! It's good to have him home!

Re: Toosday Joe's - 07/23/1305:15 AM

Re: Toosday Joe's - 07/23/1306:10 AM

Re: Toosday Joe's - 07/23/1306:34 AM

Good morning everyone. Took Buddy to the vet yesterday for a lump on his back upper leg. The news was good. It's a fatty tumor and doesn't need to be removed. Today we will go to the store to get parts so hubby can fix the leaky bathroom facet. To all here and all who follow, have a Great Tuesday. Danish, Waffles, and French Toast in the NC.

Re: Toosday Joe's - 07/23/1309:20 AM

Hello everyone! Hope you are all well!

Woke to thunderstorm this morning but it was relatively mild here unlike the rest of the country...didn't have to hide under the bed after all!

One cake down, to be collected this evening, and another one on the go for our grandson Kieran's 18th birthday tomorrow! 18, yikes! I feel old! Friday will be spent baking mini cupcakes for his party on Saturday, so looking forward to that...will be a gathering of the clans!

Re: Toosday Joe's - 07/23/1310:29 AM

Good morning boomies! We had a doozy of a storm last night that dropped buckets of much needed rain. There were a few points I actually got up to look out the window because I was convinced the house would blow or float away.

Sorta, when you come in, I saw this and thought of you feeding your outdoorsies with the racoons: Racoon and kitties

Midgie, puppies have been hugged and your BB pancake plate is empty so I assume you found it. Although I did notice a few diners smelling of maple syrup but I won't name names.

SpaceQ, thanks! Have a great day!

Haroula, Gerry, Venus have a happy day!

Sue, hope all is well.

Connie, glad Buddy is okay. Merlin has a lot of them too.

Mary, glad you got to sleep on the top of the bed. Happy birthday to Kiernan! Time flies!

Re: Toosday Joe's - 07/23/1310:59 AM

those fatty tumors can grow. our one dog has some and had one on his left leg at the joint. it got so big we had to have it removed.hope everyone is having a good day. we went and bought a bushell of peaches last week and froze 17 quart bags full. now i go one freezer filling up with fresh fruit.

Re: Toosday Joe's - 07/23/1311:17 AM

Good morning y'all.

Ouch Ana. Years ago, Bill fell off a loading dock, landed on his tailbone on a pipe that was sticking up. Very sore for a long time. Sat on a donut pillow. Nothing they can do about that.We could use some of that rain Ana.

Connie our first Corgi had a fatty tumor under her leg and we had to have it removed.

Hi Mary. We love a good thunderstorm. Taught Susie to love em also.

Hi Midgie, whatcha up to today? Working?

Hi Darlene. How is CA?

Hey there Harcoula, Space Quest, Gerry, My 10, Venus.

Joe, are you being a peeping tom, watching the birds?

Just made a trip to the bank and am through going out today. Last hot day, then it is supposed to get cooler. Sure could use some rain though. Not gonna happen.

Re: Toosday Joe's - 07/23/1312:13 PM

Terrific Tuesday ya'll

Hubby and I and 3 doggies were up and out early to beat the rain and the heat. Keoki had to stay home and I felt horrible going to the park without him....but it could be months before he can go. We did beat the rain and some of the heat, but the humidity found us.

Then home to smoothie everyone, then made pizza dough and put it in the frig for tonight. Next came sandwich bread which is rising on the stove. That was followed by compiling a shopping list. The last thing on the "gotta get done" list is bill paying. Folks get testy when you owe 'em money. I feel like I've done my work for the day..which is why I like to make bread....I feel a sense of accomplishment that I don't get when I clean.

Joe, I love the quote! That sounds like Soot's "Never argue with a rock."

Ana, how is your back? How are the doggies doing? Next year you can do the challenge again and win it. I love the racoon clip..he is adorable.

Darlene, sounds like a good time will be had by all. Hope daugher's boyfriend gets to stay local.

Midgie, that is sweet of you to take the early shift.

Space, hope your day is wonderful. How is the humidity up there this summer?

Haroula, what's up for you all today?

Gerry, thanks for the coffee.

Venus

Connie, so glad Buddy's lump is nothing to worry about. Lots of dogs seem to get the "lumpy bumpies" as my vet calls them.

Mary, grats to Kiernan! Hope the clan gathering is great. Hubby's family is gathering in Nebraska (middle of the US) this weekend.

My10, fresh fruit is the way to go. I love being able to get it any time I want, as I remember when I was a kid and fruit had "seasons."

Re: Toosday Joe's - 07/23/1312:22 PM

OH Ana! Thanks for that link. That raccoon is sooooo cute! Poor kitties didn't know what to do. Skinny raccoon though. Mine are all like huge puffballs. Must be in a hot climate there. Really loved when the little rac grabbed two handfuls of food and ran off on its back feet! Wow.

Also like the water dish 'washing of the food'. They do that in my water dishes. Last night they were here, probably Mom and 3 or so babies since the food dishes were empty and the water dish was a bog of mud again. Fun stuff. I don't begrudge them some leftover food. At least the racs no longer live in my yard, but come from somewhere else. Was horrible when they were living UNDER my deck and making noises and pooping all along my fence (they choose a spot and go there in huge piles over and over). Easy to clean up all in one place though.

Awwwww. Cute little critters always get to me.

BOYS: The kiddies across the street (firecracker crowd) is now nightly using the intersection as a play yard. First they were just doing bicycle/scooter stuff riding in traffic and causing problems with cars. Then they started to run those huge battery powered cars in the intersection and up and down the street hundreds of feet. This is a BUSY street, most cars going over 35-45 and more. The kids seem to enjoy challenging the cars for the road. Their side street has plenty of room for that play, but they want to do it on my busy street.

So now they are playing 'ball' with a volleyball and using a razor scooter for the bat. They also kicked the ball across the street (3 wide lanes) towards the house of our local Roofer (who has lots of female grandkids about the ages of the boys). Lots of the balls, were kicked OVER moving cars, on purpose, at the direction of one of the kids. Scary. Surprised no cars got hit (except the ones parked on the street). Thank goodness my cars are all in back of the house.

I'm watching them. They seem to be up to no good. Imagine a group of 7 kids at 10:30pm out doing strange stuff, roaming up and down the street, causing noise and traffic scares? The parents don't care I guess. I think the kids were out till after midnight since I still heard stuff going on outside. Guess it's something new for me to watch and complain about.

AND once again (it happens every other week it seems) firetruck and ambulance at the 'compound'. It's another rooming house like the dreaded Apartments. Probably 7 rooms divided in an old house and lots of people coming and going and the ambulance is a frequent visitor. Probably a 'half-way' house for ex drug or alcohol offenders. Most seem to be young (20's) and they come and go every few months. Big turnover there. Police visits and drive bys lots too.

Re: Toosday Joe's - 07/23/1312:56 PM

Happy Friday, Joe!!! Hope work flies so you may get a start on your days off. Thanks for the laughs.

Ana hope the backside is improving as the days go by! Have a lovely run with the dogs and I hope the corner is being kind!

Darlene that is great news about daughters SO!! Hope he may stay locally working. May work fly and everything go smoothly!!

Midge may work fly and be fun!! Hope you enjoyed the BB pancakes!!

Space have a lovely day!

Haroula have a lovely day!

Gerry thanks for starting the coffee. Have a lovely day!

Cailyn miss you and hope that all is well. HUGS!

venus Happy working. Have fun and may all go well.

Connie glad the Vet report was a good one!! Thanks for the danish and have a lovely day!

Mary good to hear that the storms weren't as bad as they thought it would be. to grandson. 18.....wow!!!

My10 wow a freezer full of fresh fruit!!! Sounds delish!! It is a good item to eat also! Have a lovely day! HUGS!!

Bets I hope it cools down and rains for ya. In high school one of my friends was playing hockey at the playground. Well he lifted himself up off the ice and over the sideboards coming down on a stick. The stick went right up his tush. He ended up with a colostomy for about a year while it healed. Poor boy! Bill sure was lucky that day!! Have a lovely day and Happy Gaming!!

Aw Evelynd sorry to hear about the tooth. HUGS!! Hope the meds help and the dentist may fix it quickly!!

L4l you sure been busy already this morning. Enjoy the fresh bread and the pizza tonight. Poor Keoki he must think he really done something bad. Prayers that he heals quickly!!

Sorta and I thought our neighborhood was interesting. Some people right by here were evicted so they came back Sunday night and tourched the garage. The air was full of black smoke for awhile. Why, oh why!!

Re: Toosday Joe's - 07/23/1303:58 PM

Re: Toosday Joe's - 07/23/1304:19 PM

Nan! Your garage torching tops anything that's happened lately around here. Oh dear! People are so weird. A lot of them are dangerous if crossed. I try to be cautiously friendly with everyone around, even the transients and drug pushers. They all seem semi-normal till you find out their 'other' side.

Evelyne, I can empathize with you and that tooth. I bit down on a back tooth awhile back and it hurt for a week. Thankfully it wasn't broken, just aggravated. Hope all turns out OK for you and your toothie!

Dermatologist called. Managed to get me an appoint for August 21 instead of October 26. I guess that's better. Only 6 more weeks to wait. The receptionist said that summer is totally busy since everyone waits till vacation time to go to them. Interesting. Next time I'll try the 'off season' for dermatology.

Re: Toosday Joe's - 07/23/1308:04 PM

I'm counting on everyone here on GB to remind me tomorrow when I complain of pain in my back and all over, etc. that I just spent 2 days and loads of hours mopping my floors and vacuuming the rugs. This time I actually MOVED all furniture on the rugs to get dirt that has been there for probably 10 or more years. Hey, if it's hidden behind the sofa, who notices?

Anyway, I'm dusty, sneezing from dust and fur balls, itchy nose, probably have cat hair in MY hair, but everything looks really nice for once. Wow. Maybe it's a sign that someone important is going to visit me? As long as it's not an EX I'm fine. I keep having nightmares that hubby number 1 or 2, or BOTH drop by with the new wifey and I have to be cordial. Yuk! At least everything is neat and clean.

Re: Toosday Joe's - 07/23/1310:35 PM

Joe, that is a good one. Hubby also tells me to "quit wasting precious heartbeats" when I'm raving about some idiot and wishing I had a tantalus device.

Soot will be spending part of his vacation driving with son and his two boys to Nebraska for a family reunion. It's 16 hours one way and I do not envy him the drive. He used to do it all in one day, but now has decided to listen to his wife and make it 2 days each way. Then he'll be home for a couple of days and Va son will stop by with his 2 girls and 11 month old son for a couple of days on their way back to VA. After that we will have the boys' birthdays and then finally, Soot can go "AHHHH." Of course, a lot will depend on what happens with Keoki's knee. His check up is the Monday they will be driving back from Nebraska.

Dinner all finished. Made homemade pizza and it was yummy. We were late eating cos the storms hit just as I was coming down to make the pizza sauce, etc and we lost power. So, finally got them made and baked and called the boys and son to come for dinner. Son's back is really bad right now. He sat down and says "I'll sit with you guys, but I'll eat later." He often does this as he works nights and doesn't really get hungry til the wee hours of the morning. Per pipes up, "I'll eat later too" and makes a move to go back down to the video game he'd been playing. To Per I replied, "Oh no, you will eat now or you will not eat. I'm eating and cleaning the kitchen and then it is closed for the night." He tried to argue that if dad could eat later, so could he but dad stepped in and told him to stop arguing.

So, with that story, I'm going to bed. Time to put my feet up and go "aaaah" for a bit. Son will be working all day tomorrow and they will leave on Thursday morning. So the next day and 1/2 will be busy ones.