36, single, and starting all over again . . .

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Sometimes the truth is hard to swallow (pun intended)

I recently read on the Sex, Lies & Dating in the City blog that in order to find out how a man really feels about you, you need to sleep with him. At first, I was in disagreement and thought it was a ridiculous post. But then I realized that it’s true. It seems strange that a guy would want to sleep with you once and then go cold. First time sex is always less than spectacular so why wouldn’t he want to keep up his ruse so he could continue getting in your pants? I assume that would be too easy. Part of the reason a guy has sex once and then loses interest is because of the conquest. He met the challenge. It’s not so much about inserting A into B, it’s about getting what he doesn’t already have. And, if he’s a decent catch, he knows there will be others, and the pattern will continue until he still has feelings after the orgasm.

Who knows what keeps him interested afterward. Who knows what keeps me interested in a man long-term. It‘s either there or it‘s not. We can push each other away sooner rather than later by being needy, desperate, insecure, etc. but if it‘s not there, the relationship would eventually end anyway, and frankly if it is there, we tend to ignore negative traits.

I don’t believe that most men do this on purpose. I mean, who says to himself, “I’m going to spend several hours and lots of money on this chick just so I can awkwardly bang her one time!” No, he is interested, he likes you, but until sexy time, he doesn’t even know to what extent. Now, the guy you meet for a first date who, after 30 minutes, starts implying sex? That’s the guy who is just looking to fuck and that’s that. I think it’s pretty obvious, personally.

He may spend time on you, take you out, call you, make you feel like a million bucks, but until you sleep with him and see how he responds afterward, you really don’t know how he feels about you, and frankly neither does he. For me, this means not getting excited about someone until after we sleep together. It means having fun with dating, keeping my options open, and not even thinking “relationship” until the condom is off. Luckily, I’m not hung up on numbers or concerned with the number of notches on my bedpost.

If you are looking for a relationship it makes sense to not have sex too soon, though. It would probably make it easier to weed out those dudes who just want to get laid if you spend time getting to know them before adding sex to the equation. I would want to do whatever I could to diminish my chances of a dude bolting after sleeping with me.

If a man is into you, it won’t matter if you have sex the first five minutes or not until after five dates. If he’s not into you, he’s gonna bolt, and you probably won’t know what he’s going to do until the deed is done. If you listen to what he says before you sleep with him, truly listen, it’s likely you will have an idea. We women tend to ignore those things though, and not until he’s gone do we consider that maybe it wasn’t our best idea. But, that doesn’t mean you should have sex before you’re comfortable with it. To me, sex isn’t a game. It’s something you do with someone you have feelings for and want an intimate connection with. Unless, of course, it’s just for sex.