Ask E. Jean: Get Me Fitted

I've lost weight and can't find the right bra!

Dear E. Jean: I've lost 60 pounds and finally fit into my lovingly curated wardrobe of vintage suits. The problem is, with my weight loss, I no longer own a bra that fits. I've been measured, fitted, and prodded at every major department store and lingerie boutique in Chicago. They all come up with the same size (34F), but I've been shamed into buying bras that made me cry after wearing for an hour.

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E. Jean, I view you as the last resort. How can I walk around with one of these torture devices strapped to my chest? I've noticed other women constantly fidgeting, hunching over, etc., with their own bras, so I know I'm not alone. Help! —Don't Want to Sag in Chicago

Chicago, my musk melon: Let's start at the top. If you have an extra $2,000 and can afford a trip to Paris, make an appointment with the Einstein of the Bosom: Poupie Cadolle— the world's best bespoke bramaker ( Cadolle.com). She's the great-great-granddaughter of Herminie Cadolle, the genius who reputedly invented the brassiere (displaying her new invention at the Great Exhibition of 1889 in Paris). Here in the States, we have several brilliant bra consultants. At Victoria's Secret, you can have a specialist measure you on the spot (they're opening a new store on Chicago's Madison Ave.). Or do what I do: I take a decent $60 bra, cut it up, pull out the underwires, and resew to my satisfaction (like Audrey Tautou scissoring her lover's clothes into cardigans and bow ties in Coco Before Chanel). My bras look comical, but they feel like tiny angels lofting my turnips on ribbons of honey.

Attention, entrepreneurs! Where are America's bespoke bra-istas? Get on it!