Labyrinthine Complexities from Lovers to Friends

It has come to this phase where I need to let my gut’s thought out again in writing in this personal blog of mine. Over the years, it has been the only outlet for me to let loose everything that has been buried deep down where no one ever knows of its existence.

It’s been slightly over 3 months since my last updates & I can’t sustain the enormous strength needed to keep it under control anymore. Emotions have taken over & succumbed to the inevitable – Silent Screaming in this blog!!

It’s been a frustrating few months trying to calm my volatile emotions with regards to my ex-wife’s free spirited happiness.

As some of you may know that we went separate way on mutual agreement after taking in great consideration of our daughter Aria Sheza. Our divorce is a peaceful process. There’s no screaming, fighting or war of words between us. Both of us agreed that the need to be friends is very important & essential for our daughter, for her happiness during her growing up years. Now she is happy with her life & I’m happy for her too. However, even though we are divorced, the love I have for her is still quite strong. My love for her is eternal & nothing can ever change it. The feelings I have for her is still the same when I married her back in 2004. I love her. Sadly to say, in December 2009, we step down our married status from lovers to friends.

For the sake of our daughter, we become friends & all the feelings I have for her are buried silently in my torn heart. It isn’t easy to become just friends when you still have feelings for her. The fact that I still see & communicate with her on weekly basis doesn’t really help soothing the pain I’m carrying daily whenever she communicate or meet me regarding my daughter. In fact, I really do miss her a lot. Every time we communicate, I felt happy & excited but the thought of us not together is a mental distress for me. There’s nothing I can do to make all these better for myself. I can’t stop the friendship because of my daughter. Sheza’s future depends on this friendship. There’s no other ways that I can do to change how I feel for her. Looking at it, the mental suffering that I can’t escape for the rest of my life will eventually eat me up slowly.

To make matter worst, I don’t have the ability & will, to open up myself to another person as I have stop believing having to be loved by another person wholeheartedly. I have been twice bitten by love; my previous 1st engagement & this marriage. I have lost faith in people’s love. They are not eternal as I would like them to be. I will never put myself in this situation ever again & with that, it’s been decided that I’ve pledged myself to be single for the rest of my life. My last 2 updates did mention on this in detail.

To add sugar on this, lately, she has been dating for the few past months. It’s been 3 years since the separation in November 2008 & she’s entitled to date anyone. I truly understand her needs to date anyone. Any man who has feelings for a person would be hurt & sad when the person he has feelings with dates another person than him. Every time, I see her updates in facebook about dating a guy, I felt so sad & hurt. I can’t even do anything about it but suffer in silent.

Looking at the future, vision of it is a very scary thought for me. How do I cope when she finally found a potential future husband? How am I going to control my emotions? Am I going to be this vulnerable for the rest of my life? Will Sheza be happy in the inclusion of a step father in her life? Will I ever trust him to take care of my daughter? Will I be ever feel happiness again? There are a lot of questions about the future that I don’t know.

There’s no solution on what I’m going through now. My daughter’s future & my ex-wife happiness is all I care about even though I’m in the verge of mental distress. This is indeed a tough phase to break through & I’m really struggling with it. Sometimes I wish there’s someone out there who are in the similar situation like myself. I would like to meet this person on how he overcomes this situation. Maybe there are one in 10 million people similar to my situation. The problem lies with me, not my ex-wife or my daughter. So I don’t blame them but myself, myself, myself!!! Why do I still love her? Am I wrong to love her? How I wish I can control love feelings! Nobody can!

3 Replies to “Labyrinthine Complexities from Lovers to Friends”

Salam. Searching a person by the name same and came across yours. Maybe by now you are fine and have proceeded with life. However, if you are still struggling in doing so, I want you to know that there are many single dads out there and as for me, I have been a single mom since 2004. I have two teenagers, a college daughter and sitting for PMR son. I would like you to share with you the pleasure of life bringing them up all this while but don’t know where to start … Anyway, what you are going through is normal … How one feels at twentyish, thirtyish, fortyish … At each period of time, we see and feel about life differently. But then again, our biological response to life, talking about gender, is different though … Something for you to think about. Anyway, I must say that you are a great dad who cares so much about your daughter. The key to hold her since you don’t live with her is to be her friend too. You must also learn to let go and have trust in her. We do make mistakes and she is also like us, bound to make misstakes too. Be there for her when she needs you but never let your love for her blind you; leads to destruction for both of you. As for my children, my ex- hubb and I continue to bring up our children like any other parents with so much love and care; he supports them 100% financially from far and I update him with their progress in life. As far as I know, I would like to think so…, they are secured children who grow up with less complications. They even join their step-mother and half-sis now and then. The sibling bond is getting stronger as she grows up, will be 3 years old at the end of this year. The last time they met for break fast, the half-sis refused to let my children go. We have obligations and I have no hard feelings but wishing for the best for everybody, him and his new family. I have found life to be more interesting than ever. Yes, very lonely not having a partner … keeping myself busy by enjoying myself doing ‘routine’ deeping in the pool, not only I have regained my shape at such a matured age, but also I make friends with people. It makes me feel good though … I hope somehow I have managed to enlighten your day. If not, I wish you all the best in life.

Brother brother, I want to write longer but since there’s no response to Sheila’s post, I think you’ve not check your site up, hope the re-billing for hosting and domain are off and on on auto man.

Anyway, I didn’t search for your name like sheila did but for some internet business thingy. I hope you well. And I hope you’ve been proven wrong, even if you assume there is 1 of you in 10million, people, there are 6 billion people in the world… Come on man. There must be one, if you want me to show you then contact me. I’ll let my fingers rest now.

We tried to look for your email contact but it does not seem to be available on your blog. So we are contacting you via a comment.

On behalf of the National Library Board (NLB), we would like to invite you to pledge your blog to the Singapore Memory Project (SMP).

We find that your entries about fatherhood especially would be a great addition to the Singapore Memory Project.

We think your blog would offer a different perspective. Whether your posts are an account of your daily life or an expression of your thoughts, our project hopes to find a home for these memories so that it can help build a ground-up understanding of Singapore.

The SMP is a national initiative started in 2011 to collect, preserve and provide access to stories, moments and memories related to Singapore. For more information about this initiative, you may wish to contact Mr Patrick Cher at patrick_cher@nlb.gov.sg or read the FAQ.

Yours sincerely,
Krishna

[Simulation Software & Technologies (S2T) Pte Ltd. is the officially appointed vendor for SMP for the period Nov 2012 to Dec 2013.]