Lord Waffle King

The WHO issued new guidelines today in the ongoing battle against the international COVID-19 pandemic. The virus, which seems to spread in every way imaginable, has left many in a panic as to where they may be harboring the virus. Now, experts say washing your hands alone may not be enough.

It’s common knowledge that viruses and bacteria thrive in warm, moist climates. However, leading health experts are now concerned over the hot, sweaty, moist, succulent crevices that also have a direct interface with our airways. Our assholes.

“We fear that the infected are harboring COVID-19 viruses in their rectal cavities. The virus then, being carried on the hot, musky, rich fumes being expelled from the anus, then fill the air and the lungs of any unsuspecting passersby” leading fart experts from the WHO said in an official statement.

The solution? Bleach. Bleaching your asshole, according to rigorous testing, eliminates all traces of COVID-19 from your rectum and gaseous rectal expulsions. The WHO now recommends bleaching of the asshole at least weekly, up from the past recommendation of every three to six months. For healthcare workers and any others who may be exposed more often, it may even be wise to bleach your ass daily.

We are all in this together, and only with regular asshole bleaching can we defeat this horrible pandemic. Bleach responsibly, and remember to wash your hands.