Monday, February 19, 2007

So, Mr. Martin, it says here on your resume that you spent some time as The Gimp.

From Mattel: Kids will love The Gimp action figure.

Batteries and Ball-gag sold separately

OK loyal readers of D and D (which, it bears mentioning is much cooler than being a loyal reader of D&D…you know who you are.), in the interest of providing a foundation for provocative discourse, we offer the following piece on The Gimp (from Pulp Fiction…you idiots).

How does one become The Gimp? I'm guessing it's not a job that has applicants lining-up. The downside is tremendous, isn't it?! I mean, aside from the almost unthinkable sexually deviant tasks The Gimp is asked/forced to perform, it may be the worst job EVER. I'd like to see that douche bag from the reality show Bad Jobs (or whatever the hell it's called) suit-up in the leather suit for even an hour. Do you think each new Gimp gets a fresh suit? No way. That thing has got to be more stinky than a broken fraternity house urinal (yes - we know what that smells like). And I'm sure you could grow some interesting bacteria samples with swabs from inside the suit and couple Petri dishes. In addition to the not-so-fresh scent, can you imagine the chaffing? OK - so we agree, the suit is bad news in and of itself.

So let's say you dig the suit and you're a freak like that, how do you entertain yourself for the 20+ hours a day when you're not a stinky, sweaty, messy sex slave? I'm guessing that pine box you live in probably doesn't have cable. In fact, a dime gets you a dollar that there's only one room in there - and it ain't a bathroom. Although one's own urine is sterile, I doubt very much that it would be fun to sit around in…ALL DAY LONG. Let's not even talk about #2. You thought Andy Dufraine had it bad crawling through 500 yards of excrement in Shawshank, try being The Gimp. Can you spare a Glade Stick-up for a brother?

Do you think the Gimp was just some salesman from out-of-town who was slipped a mickey? Did he lose a bet? Did he sign-up voluntarily? Did he stroll into the pawn shop trying to sell his collection of turquoise jewelry and fall for the age-old "would you like to see the inside of my small pine box in the basement" trick?

Filling the job of The Gimp would be a tough sell for a recruiter, no? How long after you zip-up the leather funk suit until you realize maybe this was a bad idea? Long before your first lunch break, I imagine. It's not like you're going to eat when the mouth hole is zipped-up anyway. Chances are you're OK with the mouth hole being zipped-up. As an aside, typing "mouth hole" makes me uncomfortable. Forget gastric bypass...you'd lose more than a couple pounds being The Gimp.

So I guess we can all feel better about our shitty jobs…it could be worse…you could be THE GIMP!