well now i should get down to da bidness. i am so happy. im happy alot actually, even when im not feeling happy i try to adopt a good attitude because i know that despite how im feeling i really am happy.

den dares doze times when im just not happy. times like these are not angry, they are not fearful, they are deep dark sad hatred. dont ask me why. because i cant tell you. all i know is thats how i feel. not as an option. i dont want to be near anyone let alone talk to them. everyday conversation is painful. smiling at people and carrying on like everything is just so. fighting back tears and trembling. for the past few years i have struggled with hating myself. furiously. not as a lifestyle, but on occasion. like a wave washing over me. i know its coming. i watch it happen. and i cant fight back.

its a long sad story to tell and a longer one to read im sure. but i think it has something to do with my childhood and then the guilt of my adolescent failures all piled up on top of each other.

the point though is not that im feeling sorry for myself in all the guilt and hate i have dealt with. but joy im currently experiencing for whats seems to be a victorious battle over the well being of myself. with myself.... i beat myself in a battle against myself for myselves well being..... you follow?

so yeah. at this particular time. i am at full capacity for the things that normally trigger such events. only days ago i knew that i was sliding way down and there was no end in sight. but today i sit here cheerful and positive and totally ready for anything the next day may bring. and i dont know why.

i would like to take this opportunity to thank god. for my family, my friends and my church, and everything that we've experienced together in the past ten years, that has brought me to the point im at now.

im sure i will always struggle from time to time with the things that are in me. but i dont fear them. and god has shown me clearly his work in my life. i dont have to wonder if hes there, i dont have to have faith that he will accomplish his will in me. i dont have to know what hes doing or why. the longer i live with him, despite my shortcomings, i will always be able to see where he has brought me from and all he has accomplished in me. theres proof in living.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

pie huh?.? what is the big deal. i like pie....you like pie....some people make pie some people buy pie. some people have mothers who make real pie as opposed to fake pie. me i just eat pie. its all good. i have not had bad pie. i have had better pie. but certainly not bad pie.

i have this hatred of all things not fatty salty or hot. pretty much. meat takes the cake. but even i do eat pie. i love apple pie, peach pie, sugar cream pie, and raspberry pipe. its all good baby! but what i like less than sweet baked goods (other than pie) is baking. while we are on that subject, i love bread. and still hate to bake. baking is most evil, only second to computers.

tomorrow is church dinner night and we are making pie and eggs. yeah i know so exciting right? well its cheap and we already have most of the stuff we need. so eggs and pie it is. but whos to make the pie. matt.

so i tell myself, you can do this. just do it. what do we need i ask myselves. well sirs we shall come prepared. knives, of course we need knives. and all that other stuff, but knives are the most important part.

so i go to this web page and it is obviously like SOME people i know who think that cooking is sacred. first place the butter into the freezer. but the freezer can have nothing else in it but butter so there is no risk of contaminating the butter. the precious butter. in fact it would be a good idea to just buy a new freezer so you can neatly display all of your butter cut into half inch by half in cubes on trays exactly two inches apart on organic wax paper so as to not contaminate the butter with the metal or the inferior by product wax. then baby sit the butter. it needs to chill for ten to twenty five minutes. not less not more but the perfect place in between or else you will not get the perfect crust. on a side note you will need to employ a skilled appliance technician to install an insulated glass front on your new butter chilling freezer with custom insulated rubber glove inserts so you will be able to poke the butter incrementally every five seconds until it is exactly right. so after babysitting the butter we move on to the dry ingredients. if you dont get the butter right the first time dont worry, it happens to everyone. just start all over and spare no time or cost in order to get the perfect butter for your perfect crust.....its a small sacrifice.

place all of your dry ingredients into your food processor. pulse exactly six and three quarter time. no less, no more. or its RUINED. take you perfect butter at exactly the right time from the freezer that you have been poking in you newly altered new butter chilling freezer while preparing the dry ingredients. (you will be required to grow extra arms and hands for this recipe, again, a small sacrifice.) add butter cubes, pulse then add liquid ice. .....?.....? yes liquid ice......WHAT!?!....you've never heard of liquid ice!

what kind of person are you. its not water, its not ice, its liquid ice. and if you dont have it you may as well just give up now.

your ice is now added to the mixture and you will pulse but thrice more. and its ready. stick your hands directly into liquid nitrogen...it will only hurt for a moment i assure you.... handle the dough with your rock solid frozen hand only and chill for somewhere between 1 and 67000 hours. you van never be to sure. when the dough is thoroughly chilled roll it out with a rolling pin shaped piece of frozen aluminum dipped in organic wax and dipped in liquid nitrogen and dusted with flour. and gently place into pie stone pie pan with your freshly frozen hands then......PLACE INTO A PREHEATED OVEN AT 350 DEGREES FOR A FREAKING HOUR!

bake the crap out of that frozen tundra of a pie and let everyone tell you how its the best thing they have ever tasted in their whole life and i hope it makes you feel good.

me. i gots some flour, some salt, some sugar, some butta, and some water. slap it in a bowl throw it in the fridge and bake it for an hour and im gonna smother that stuff in ice cream and wash it down with a big ole glass of milk. cause thats the way its sposed to be.

leave it to people to make life complicated. take a cue from your recipe and chill dude.

Friday, November 13, 2009

"if you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice", these are the famous lyrics from RUSH, in a song entitled Freewill, and i find it so peculiar that this is true. its so simple yet consistently true. in-arguably true. just try not to make a decision. you cant. you could choose neither yes or no but you have indeed decided and thats the point.

so much of our lives is the choices we make. not important life changing decisions but moment to moment decisions that are necessary for functioning on a very basic level. when you are conscious in the morning you choose to open your eyes, stretch roll over, get out of bed, walk, step over toys, make your way to your chosen destination, all while calculation how much time you have before work, then prioritizing your tasks in that time and what clothes you'll wear and food you'll eat.

thats only upon waking and going to the toilet to pee. just imagine for a moment what kinds of choices you make everyday and then the factors that weigh on your decisions. despite the consequences of your actions that were based on choices more choices lie ahead and there always will. inescapable.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

ok people. i know your world revolves around me so let me say " so soddy so soddy"i had no intention of leaving you hangin like that. actually i had originally had no intention of dragging you along at all. but know that we are here i cant bear the guilt of just dropping you cold.

so first order of bidness be my boss. AKA Harley.... which is short for, - hardly does anything. he has been a major source of entertainment lately. for starters he has this look. its this raised eyebrows mouth slinked open whadya go in do dad fer kinda look. he does it when hes mad about something. usually something like him being the boss and me not caring and doing what i want anyway. so then comes the look. then come my less than respectful responses which include but are not limited to....

1. why should i start listening to you now?2.is that just a suggestion or do you actually expect me to do it your way?3.dude just shut up and let me do my job.4. Bite Me!

so about a week ago i perfectly perfected in the most perfect way "his look" ...(i already stole his 'tch'). and so now when things get tense i just give HIM the look. and voila, tension neutralized. also, when i say stolen i dont mean i knocked it off and he still uses it despite my harassment. i mean i stole it. since the day he got mad and i did his look and he laughed now he is incapable of doing his look (cause i have it) because he sees it on my face in his head and he starts laughing which gets me out of trouble every time....

so im not manipulative or anything, but as far as i can tell, i have become invincible to any anger or disappointment from my management. Mwahahahaha!

ahem.....

so, that being said my work has been at times long and miserable, but always fun. i have like the greatest boss i could imagine. so much so that im pretty much spoiled for working anywhere else like ever. i have only had my un-submissive attitude toward all and any authority nurtured and encouraged.....im tainted goods :D

well short and sweet ought to be the best way to wedge this waste of energy into my already insufficient amount of day. STUPID lack of day!

Thursday, October 22, 2009

yeah its a stretch.....but in celebration of my two day streak i had to give a little of myself.

i didnt think much about knowledge today, not as much as i thought i might at two in the morning when i thought about it. but for kicks lets go down that road a moment longer. how long is the literary mile any way? if i say come with me a mile, and so you are required two, how long exactly are you gonna be required to tag along regardless of how dehydrating-ly dry the following text becomes? hopefully its far enough, because despite my horribly misplaced biblical reference which even in legitimate context is horribly misconstrued, i promise to have truly delightful fun for all. so the knowledge. lets get on with it man! knowledge even at its best, is flawed. take the best text books and the most promising scientists research today, give it twenty years and id be shocked and she-grinned i you not only found new material in them, but also corrected material.thats just twenty years, give it a hundred and all of a sudden we are looking like the dark ages back here in the most informational, technological society in history. thats really not saying much is it.

so then theres the "special" knowledge. the knowledge that goes beyond research and basic intuition. this is in the territory of secret age old knowledge that you can not discover but be entrusted with by one to whom said info was previously passed down.

exploring further, in the case of actual knowledge, there is finally divine revelation.it is not flawed, it does not change, it is not discovered, it exists in God. His is the fullness of knowledge. He gives to whom He chooses as He chooses and as much as He chooses. and to whom he gives he also gives the capacity to understand. there is no barrier of intelligence or effort. in the case that he audibly or visually reveals to you in the way that only he, can information he deemed necessary for you to know, you will surely no stand thereafter scratching your head going, "so what now? i dont get it."

the last category i present to you encompasses all of the cases in which people search for, seek after, or claim to have witnessed so as that some secret "special" knowledge is the result. there are too many to name but a few i have in mind are those like dubious conspirators, religious leaders, and the political social class. the list is extensive and these opinions are by no means based on scientific research.....just how i see things. perhaps there are more categories and better argument for and against such a position, but i dont have any interest in proving my case. i only observe and report. theres not much you can say to one who witnesses something and tells you about it besides," i dont believe you." observing something doesnt make what i have to say about it correct, but whats true is how i veiw these things i witness.

the pursuit of knowledge is noble, and fruitful. i love it. unfortunately to this point in my life ive not experienced any divine revelation nor do i have any ties to secret family ordinances (that is, if i did i couldnt tell you.....but i dont) also, i dont really even mind people seeking after meaningless dead end wild goose sort of stuff. after all its that very search that could end up bringing them to real moral conviction. my problem lies with the folks who prey on the ignorant and naive. they give false arguments or testimony and urge people to take serious considerations of their message or suffer the consequences. and thereby holding a power over them as only these leaders posses and can recieve the special knowledge.

so any who, its hunting season. im not hunting of course, but there is some wild game running round the parts. and so i do what i must, and nurture the desire for my young to learn the basic skills of survival.

i think the children have a fairly healthy perspective on animals and thier functions. they clearly respect life but have a strange fascination with hunting and even when presented with the idea of death and blood and these things that are a part the hunting experience they still seem positive . hopefully chandler will join me soon for some sitting. i am planning to watch some deer and explain the basic processes that would take place. and if fortunate enough to see deer on multiply outings work our way up to actually taking a deer and beginning the first steps toward a young respectful hunter. i wont demand my children hunt. but i will try and persuade them to have the knowledge it takes to be effective if they would ever have the need. hunting, gathering, building fire, finding or making shelter. there is much i will give to my children as they become of age and most of it will have some useful application (specifically principles and a biblical moral foundation) but providing for yourself and others in times of crisis are invaluable and unfortunately a growingly less popular area of education. we depend so much on the way the world runs, the way we expect it to keep running. but perhaps there will be a time when in our lives when or our childrens or thiers, that knowledge as important as this will be useful. then again its always been fun just being in the woods and doing manly stuff. :)

i need to close my eyes. this is not cohesive to typing. im outta here.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

i have neglected myself. unintentionally mind you. but this is no matter. i love writing. i dont know what to call it, i dont know what im doing, i only know the feeling i get when my mind spills out into this box. (the one you cannot see of course but the one i am typing into currently, the one you likely are fondly familiar with if you count yourself in the blogging lot. thats the one.)

so as i set out to say i have been longing for this moment that has been for so long without precedence in respect to the demands of my life. but now in this moment i wallow in the freedom and pleasure it is to tell you that which you need not know. things that concern me and not you but that i care to broadcast here for my entertainment and yours.

i have pictures, i have themes, i have entire blogs posts stuck in my head begging to be known. but that requires gathering complete thoughts, organizing them, and painstakingly critiquing very words i chose so carefully. the same ones i would have haphazardly blurted out in mere moments to just about anyone with ears.

-by the way i really like the word tremendous, i really do. :)

so instead of killing the moment i will just give you a few words to chew on and leave the real posting for times when life is more suitable for sitting down and being creative....and painstaking...

what is it about people that lead them to seek "special knowledge". not even for the sake of knowing, rather possessing. knowledge is funny.

when i think of knowledge i cant help but think of the garden and that tree. that tree of the knowledge of good and evil. did this tree have special powers. was it just another tree in the garden with only special significance in the sense that God said dont eat of it? when she ate did she have some magical transforming life experience, or was it just guilt. maybe she ate a piece of normal fruit that she wasnt allowed to because God had said. and when she ate it she had only eaten a peice of fruit, but in doing so had now possessed the knowledge of good and evil.

since the beginning we have had knowledge, but not all knowledge. in pursuit of greater understanding we go to great lengths but with no end. we cannot create life, we cannot stop death when it is at hand. in this vast universe we are limited to our tiny speck of a place. in the thousands of years we have been here we have made huge advances in information and the many uses of it. yet everyday we discover more and more still, yet with that understanding comes even more questions than answers.

i can barely keep my eyes open and work is getting closer by the second, i still have so much more to say, so maybe this can be a two part series, but its hard to say when i will return, so take it for what it is. what is knowledge? why do we desire it? what are the effects of it. these are somethings i will be pondering at work tomorrow. looking forward to it already!