Trump to Leak Hand Size to Distract from Stealing Candy from a Baby Scandal

Donald Trump sent a letter to a top hand expert claiming that his hand size in 2005 was “totally normal” in order to distract from a congressional investigation which indicates he systematically stole candy from over 150 babies over the past five months.

The letter included a picture of Donald Trump’s hand next to a ruler as well as a listing of reasons why this was worthy of a full week of news coverage. Trump’s Russian troll army on Twitter got the following hashtag trending #OurDearLeadersHandsAreBEAUTIFUL.

This came shortly after it was revealed that Donald Trump spent over $12 million taxpayer dollars using the CIA’s state of the art spy equipment to steal candy from babies whose parents were protesting against him.

Trump once sent a top secret $900 million dollar drone to livestream while he sent Seal Team 6 into an elementary school to steal the popsickle of the child of someone he disagreed with.

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